weekend open thread – February 5-6, 2022

by Alison Green on February 5, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: All This Could Be Yours, by Jami Attenberg. A family deals with the impending death of their very difficult patriarch.

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ayla*

    Can well-behaved older siblings be at a pregnancy ultrasound, generally?

    I didn’t want my son to be at the scan, but all three of the childcare providers we trust are sick (two with CV-19, one with flu) and I’m not comfortable going without my partner. I’m not sure what we can really do other than bring him along.

    1. Double A*

      I wasn’t allowed to bring anyone, including my partner, to any of my prenatal visits for my pregnancy in 2021 (baby was born 8 months ago). My OB made a comment about being disappointed that my husband and daughter couldn’t be there because of covid protocols, from which I inferred that in normal times, she would have been allowed (she was 2). So I would think it really depends on your doctor and you’ll just have to ask them. I don’t know how much protocols have changed in the last 8 months, and different places have different ones.

      1. Ayla*

        Thank you for this information. My normal OB hasn’t had any problems with my daughter being there for checkups, but this scan has to be done at a high-risk clinic and I don’t know their protocols. I’ll send a message to the nurse. I guess I assumed if a support person wasn’t allowed, they’d have mentioned it; if my partner can’t come I’ll have to cancel the scan so I guess I’d better find out ASAP.

        1. It's Growing!*

          If your pregnancy is being monitored by a high-risk clinic, it is absolutely necessary for you to get this scan regardless of whether or not your partner can come with you. Wanting them there is one thing, needing them there is another. If your discomfort is so great that you’d skip the appointment rather than go without them, that is something you need to address.

          1. Ayla*

            I have talked with my OB who is willing to do it locally if necessary, because she agrees the result of my PTSD being triggered while alone in a completely unfamiliar space would be a bigger risk than missing the slightly more comprehensive information we would get from the other clinic. I have weighed my options and am working within a situation that I know better than others. I am neither reckless nor stupid. Do not scold me.

            1. Jules the 3rd*

              Good for you, Ayla. Set that boundary and stick to it. You know your situation best, and are the best judge of what works for you.

              Best of luck with the scan and pregnancy! And if people tell your their birth horror stories, here’s my anti-horror birth story: I had a little party and it was fun. I got inducted at 12:30am because of gestational diabetes and a really busy day. I fell asleep for several hours. Around 6, I woke up. I got an epidural because with induction you can’t do any of the walking / pain relief, so heck with it. My mom, sister, and sister’s wife were around, with my husband holding my hand. My mom cut the cord, my husband is Not Comfortable with mess. Our kid is a teenager, and totally awesome.

              No lesson, just hope that your experience is good in your own way.

          3. C*

            Plenty of places have you do scans at the “high-risk clinic” because that’s who has the ultrasound machine. You’re not her doctor.

          4. HannahS*

            Wow, congratulations on knowing more about a stranger’s pregnancy than she does, and deciding that you should reprimand her about it. Real, uh, feminist of you.

    2. RagingADHD*

      As long as your partner is there to watch him, I can’t imagine they’d have a problem with it.

      I had to have a couple of checkups with #1 in tow, and at least one where she basically sat on my head during the ultrasound because my husband was working and I had nobody to watch her.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yes, mine was long pre-covid. My area gave up on everything except masks in healthcare settings so long ago, I forget that protocols are still going on.

    3. allathian*

      I guess it depends on the Covid protocols in your area. When they were at their strictest in mine, you were lucky if the father of the child was allowed to attend the birth, and for a person who didn’t live in the same household as the pregnant person, no question of being allowed in the birthing room. This was very hard on professional doulas and their clients.

      When I was pregnant with my son 13+ years ago, my husband attended the ultrasounds I had at 10 and 23 weeks. They had signs posted that older siblings weren’t allowed under any circumstances. I’m not sure what they would’ve done with a single parent who didn’t have any other options, though.

      I guess I’m glad that my son wasn’t present when I learned that I’d had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, when I should’ve been at 10 weeks. My pregnancy symptoms were so mild that I suspected that something was wrong, but I still burst into tears and sobbed loudly.

      1. Ayla*

        This is why I so badly wanted to find childcare for the scan. I’ve had multiple losses, certain issues run in my family that tend to be discovered at the anatomy scan, and I’d prefer to be able to process that without having to be in mommy mode. But I also can’t afford to expose my child (and by extension, myself and the growing baby) to illness. It’s not great.

        I’m sorry for your loss.

        2. allathian*

          Thank you for your sympathy.

          I hate to say it, but the safest and simplest option may be to just go in for the scan by yourself, as much as you’d like to have your partner there.

          Elsewhere on this thread Sarah Bordner posts about her experiences. Talk to the clinic where you’re having the ultrasound about your options, and if they’re allowing children to be present, make your decision based on whether you need your partner’s presence more than your child’s absence, or vice versa.

          Good luck with the scan, whatever you decide.

        3. Middle Aged Lady*

          Good luck with your pregnancy and having a new family member on the way. I am sorry such an exciting—and nervous—time has the extra stress of COVID added on.
          Birth horror stories are the freaking worst! Why people do this, I do not know.
          You have good medical care, you are smart and know to take care of yourself. Wishing you every happiness.

    4. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’ve seen older siblings attend, but it does depend on the COVID protocols these days. I think my doctor’s office aren’t exactly happy about it, but are aware of the realities of parenting, so let it slide.

      My concern would also be about receiving bad news in front of the child, though. But needs must, it sounds like you also don’t have much of a choice (and bad news is unlikely!)

    5. Sarah Bordner*

      My then-two-year-old went to most of my ultrasounds/BPPs. We wanted him to be as involved as reasonably possible to ease the transition to being a big brother. The first time he was a little scared; he seemed worried about me. Of course he had Monkey and Koda with him. (His stuffies.) After talking him through it though, he was excited to go see the new baby and would point at the screen saying, “Sissy!”

      The fetal echocardiogram was similar, but took a lot longer, so he started to get restless. Fortunately, I had packed Goldfish and a new car and new book, so my husband just brought those out one at a time which occupied him.

      My OB encouraged my kiddo’s involvement. (Baby was born in March 2020, so this was all pre-COVID.) Ultimately, you know your kid best. How do you think he’ll do? Prepare him as best as you can. Your partner will be there for him if there’s a problem. Good luck and congrats!

    6. Jules the First*

      Every time I went for mine, I was told that siblings were strictly prohibited…and the only time I saw them make an exception was for an almost-teenager who was translating for his mum. As a solo mum, there are lots of situations where children typically aren’t welcome but I bring mine anyway (including hospital appointments), but a pregnancy ultrasound is not one of them. I suppose if your partner is there, they could take your eldest outside if it turns out to be bad news, but that still leaves you processing the news on your own.

    7. Richard Hershberger*

      Reading the first sentence, I was wondering why you would possibly want your brother at your ultrasound.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I learned I had lost a pregnancy on an ultrasound scan. As tough as it was (my partner was on a business trip to a different continent), the fact that my 3 year old was with a neighbor and 8 year old at school were one small bit of relief as I struggled through the doctor explaining what was wrong and handling my own grief-shocked reaction.

      I’m sorry. That’s not something I would normally share with someone pregnant–unless they specifically asked about bringing young kids along for what is usually, but not inevitably, a fun chance to see the baby. Insurance covers this because it’s a diagnostic tool, and while usually the diagnosis is “everything looks great, and here are the toes” it’s not the only possibility.

    9. Macaroni Penguin*

      I could only bring one person into my ultrasounds. This occurred during the summer and fall of 2021 ( Canada). Maybe call the clinic and ask about their protocols?

    10. Jen*

      My OBGYN just sent an email stating they aren’t allowing anyone into appointments other than the patient.

    11. HannahS*

      If your medical provider is ok with it during covid (mine did not allow any other people to join me at appointments), then sure, bring them along. It’s not an issue if your partner is there to watch them.

    12. A Simple Narwhal*

      My OB currently doesn’t allow anyone in besides the patient, so check with your practice before making a decision.

      1. Sarah Bordner*

        Still? Do you mind if I ask where you live? What state? Maybe because I live in Missouri and we never really went into lockdown, some of us protocols seem a little counterproductive. (Obviously masks are required in all medical settings. Though, just surgical masks which don’t really do anything.) Especially with everything we know now. Not everyone reported it, but John’s Hopkins released a study saying lockdowns only lowered mortality rates 0.2 percent. But as we know were terrible for the economy and terrible for mental health.

        Sorry if that sounded judgmental. It wasn’t intended that way. I also didn’t start out planning to write a whole report. Simply curious that OB’s are still not allowing partners at appointments. Especially when positive experiences during pregnancy (like sharing a scan with the father) lead to better outcomes. The OP sounds like having her partner there is necessary. Though I got the impression her doctor understood and was being accommodating.

        So my post just evolved I to stream of consciousness…

        1. Mary Connell*

          The lockdown was successful in important ways: it limited transmission while the scientific and medical communities developed technologies and treatments.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          In the US the “lockdown” wasn’t ever really a lockdown. So they didn’t do much. In Australia, I’d argue that has been very effective…until omicron.
          Given the extra risk to pregnant people, I’m not surprised OB offices would still have more stringent policies than even other medical settings. They really don’t want extra people.
          That said, every practice is different, and things are going to differ by location. I initially couldn’t go with my partner to appointments at the beginning of 2021. Starting around May, I could. Still can but the office was clear the policy was based on current data and could change at any time.
          They also don’t allow bringing children to appointments, and don’t allow bringing more than one person with you, but that policy was not covid-specific. But again, I’ve seen/heard way too many variations on these policies to count. So the only way to know is for OP to find out from their own Dr’s practice.

    14. Homebody*

      My area goes from 0-1 visitors with an appointment depending how COVID is fluctuating. I don’t know how your clinic is, but a lot of places will allow an extra nurse or caretaker if you request it into the ultrasound room. Depends on your level of comfort, I don’t know if having a second stranger would make it better or worse…but I hope you’re able to work something out.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Same – at my OB’s office partners are allowed at the initial appt to confirm pregnancy and the 20-week scan, that’s it. I don’t believe they’re currently allowing any children in the office. But the only way to know for sure is to confirm with wherever you would be having the scan, as you mentioned upthread. Good luck and I hope it’s only good news for the rest of the pregnancy.

        1. NotRealAnonForThis*

          For comparison w/ “way back when in Normal Times”, I was cleaning this weekend and found the folder I was given with child #2, listing the policies at that time (Child 2 is a tween, and we’re US as far as location, and yes, I apparently need to weed out paperwork more frequently):
          Partners are permitted at appointments unless requested otherwise by patient.
          Siblings are permitted only at anatomy scan, with another adult present to monitor said sibling, and with doctor’s permission. We will schedule these at the end of the day if you wish a sibling present.
          We reserve the right to restrict partners at appointments during flu season
          Please know that the hospital with which we’re associated has restricted visitors and support persons during previous flu seasons, if you are due to deliver between January-March.

          It sounds as it’s more a case of no other option, and I have oodles of sympathy for you there. I also understand the NEED for your partner during fraught medical things very well, and it sounds as though your care team is on board. I’m going to hope it all goes smoothly and well for you, with the older child, the childcare situation at large (i.e. your trusted carers all recover soon and fully), and that everything pregnancy related is “boring”, because its best to be boring from a medical standpoint.

    15. Hannah Mae*

      I brought my daughter, and then my son and my daughter to their sibling’s ultrasound appointment with no problems. Your doctor may have different rules though.

    16. Despachito*

      If you say “I’m not comfortable going without my partner”, do you mean “I am not comfortable making the journey/driving without him” or rather “I am not comfortable being alone in the scanning room”?

      If it is the former, I’d make him and the child accompany me to the clinic and wait outside.
      If it is the latter, I’d basically suck it up because the wellbeing of the child would trump my momentary discomfort.

      But I’d check with the clinic first, because it is possible that they have no problem with it and you will be fine. And if they do have a problem with another person being present at the scan room this will probably extend to your partner as well (and then I’d either let him at home watching the kid or go with me to the clinic and wait with the child outside, thus minimizing the time you’ll have to be alone).

      Best of luck either way. When I expected my second tagged my first everywhere with me, even to the obgyn, but this was long pre-covid. My fingers crossed for you!

      1. Usually a Lurker*

        The OP said above that they need their partner there because of PTSD and their doctor agrees. “Suck it up” is not useful advice.

        1. Despachito*

          Oh, you are right, it was not in the original post but now I see it in a subsequent comment. I am sorry, and I am taking back the “suck it up” part.

          In such a case, I’d think that the partner’s presence is medically necessary,as the OP would not be able to undergo the scan without it, and if there is one more person present, I’d think that the presence of the child would not matter that much (I assume the partner will keep an eye on him).

          Anyway, I’d ask the clinic and explain the situation, and I hope that they will be understanding.

  2. Wink the Book*

    I am making beef stroganoff this weekend. But, I am curious. What is everyone’s favorite noodle dish and recipe?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      If I’m going for classic pasta, I do like a good pasta puttanesca – tomatoes, garlic, capers, olives, anchovies, made with a short pasta that catches the sauce, like shells. Tangy, savoury, salty, garlicky goodness. Pair it with a simply cooked protein, and a garden salad.

      For comfort food – cheesy taco pasta. Ground pork, sauteed until browned, with taco seasoning, sauteed onion, red bell pepper, zucchini and garlic, some diced tomatoes, black beans, diced pickled jalapenos, hot sauce, all tossed with pasta and grated cheese. It would be good topped with crumbled taco chips and toasted in the oven; I usually do it stove top. This is basically a meal by itself, and usually for the next day too.

      If I’m feeling ambitious, homemade lasagna. Marcella Hazan’s bolognese sauce, layered with homemade noodles and a bechemel sauce with parmsesan cheese, topped with grated mozarella before sticking in the oven. The bolognese sauce takes a minimum of 6 hours to make, and it’s a fairly dry sauce, so I parboil the noodles first.

      1. Jules the First*

        Cheesy taco pasta sounds brilliant…going to have to try that one!

        My fave noodle dish at the moment is fusilli tossed with good basil pesto and topped with crispy chickpeas.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      This recipe is a favorite as much because it has childhood memories as for its taste and ease to make. I boil macaroni noodles briefly before they’re fully done, put them in the same enamel and iron baking dish that my mother used when I was a kid, layer sliced cheddar cheese inside and on top, and pour a can of crushed tomatoes including the juice over the top with all the juice. I add salt, and bake the whole thing covered so the noodles absorb the tomato flavor. My very favorite macaroni and cheese dish. For someone who is a major fan of pasta and dislikes cooking in general, this dish with plenty of leftovers is heaven. And I’m going to bookmark this thread because noodles noodle noodles.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Dan dan mian (peddler’s noodles)
      I use vegan mince but obviously traditionally it’s made with meat: fry it in sesame oil, garlic and ginger, then add spring onions and some dark soy sauce.
      In a bowl I make a paste of tahini, sesame oil, chilli oil, and light sauce sauce, then I toss the noodles in that. Add stock over the paste noodles, then top with the mince and more chilli oil, spring onions, and sesame seeds. It’s so delicious.

      2. Generic Name*

        I’m American and I thought mince(meat) was a pie filling with nuts and dried fruits? Is mince something you can buy premade? I’m loving these new to me recipes. :)

        1. Generic Name*

          Did some quick googling, I’m thinking you mean it’s typically made with finely chopped or ground meat. Is that accurate?

          1. Lena Clare*

            Yes that’s right! As UK dancer says, it’s ground meat. I think the original recipe used ground pork.
            We always call mincemeat, mincemeat, to differentiate it from mince (which is actual meat), sometimes called minced meat. LOL.

              1. UKDancer*

                I think the pie filling originally would have contained meat alongside the dried fruit and spices. I know I saw a 16th century recipe which did on a TV show about the Tudors once. I guess the name stuck even though the ingredients have changed. If I’m making mince pies I tend to use Mrs Darlington’s mincemeat as that’s the best in my view.

                1. Barbara Eyiuche*

                  The recipe my mother used came from her English ancestors, and the pie filling had dried fruit, sugar, minced beef (ground beef), and suet. I’m now wondering just how old the recipe was.

                2. UKDancer*

                  @Barbara Eyiuche I’m guessing that would be a pre 20th century recipe. I use my grandmother’s recipe which is from the 1930s (and came from her sister who was in service) and it doesn’t contain meat.

                  I did a brief google and nobody appears to know precisely why the recipe changed to remove the meat but the general consensus appears to be that it was at some point during the 19th century.

        2. UKDancer*

          I think what we call mincemeat in the UK and some other places is what in the US is called ground beef. We tend to call it minced beef or mincemeat but we mean basically a meat that has been put through a mincer. It’s usually beef but can be turkey, lamb or pork. Or indeed a vegan equivalent. You can mince it yourself or you get it already done.

          That which goes into mince pies is also called mincemeat but it’s mixed fruit and citrus peel. You can make it from scratch or you can buy a jar. I tend to do the latter.

          Usually the context indicates what is required.

    4. UKDancer*

      I made a lovely Thai duck stir fry last night which I had with noodles. That was lovely and very easy. I stir fried the duck strips with garlic, ginger, water chestnuts, red pepper and onion and used soy sauce, oyster sauce, sweet chili and stock to make the sauce.

      Another favourite is tagliatelle with chorizo. Very easy, boil the water and mostly cook the dried pasta. Then fry the cubed or sliced chorizo with green pepper and onion. Drain the pasta retaining some of the water in a mug and add pasta to the frying pan. Add some of the water if you need and some pecorino and some rocket. Stir until well mixed and serve with more parmesan and bread.

      I also have a recipe for chicken arrabbiata bake which I usually serve with penne tricolore. This thread reminds me I’ve not done that in a while.

    5. Dear liza dear liza*

      Baked ziti, bc I don’t have the patience to make lasagna layers. Rao’s tomato sauce, ricotta, browned sausage, a little parm, mixed with penne pasta, covered in mozzarella, baked- so delicious. Garlic bread as a side to mop up the leftovers, yum.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Got Rao’s for the first time this week, as I was going to make baked arancini and their marinara was on sale. Really great!

        1. Jay*

          I introduced my folks to it a couple of years ago because it was my favorite jar sauce. When looking back where they lived they discovered that it was remarkably diabetic friendly, which is important for my Dad.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      From Smitten Kitchen, Martha Stewart’s Macaroni and Cheese. Everything you want in a homemade mac n cheese. Sadly my starving teenage athlete discovered he was allergic to dairy, so I don’t make it often anymore.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Two more from Smitten Kitchen:
      Corn, Bacon, and Parmesan pasta is one of the best ways to eat summer corn. A quick easy stovetop dish.

      Parmesan Oven Risotto is now my go-to risotto. You bake it rather than stirring constantly or simmering any second stock pots, and it is delicious. This I made last week, and then the leftovers into baked arancini with marinara sauce.

      1. Pippa K*

        Yes! Someone mentioned the oven risotto here recently, I tried it, and I may never make risotto any other way again.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      homemade mac and cheese with bbq pulled pork mixed in. Yum yum.

      I also just did a chicken pesto pasta this week that was super easy and quick — melt together equal parts of cream cheese and pesto (I used about 6 ounces of each and came out with six servings) with 1/2-1 cup of chicken or veggie broth in a big pan, then throw in a box of cooked pasta (I used bow-ties but whatever), a bag of baby spinach leaves and a pound of cooked chopped chicken, toss together and cook until it’s heated through and the spinach is wilty.

      Every time I go to Costco, I buy a couple of their rotisserie chickens and then when I get home, I rip all the meat off and we chop it up and put it in portioned packets in the freezer, exactly for this sort of thing, so I just used that for the chicken. But if you were starting from raw chicken, you could easily just cook it in the pan, then huck everything else in on top of it.

    9. Cranky lady*

      Umm…everything? I love noodles…baked penne with ricotta, tomato sauce, and mozzarella; fettuccine with mushrooms, garlic, Parmesan and lemon; Korean japchae (sweet potato noodles with vegetables); and Cincinnati style chili over pasta.

    10. Charlotte Lucas*

      I love the Hot and Sour noodles in the Vegan Vittles cookbook (from Farm Sanctuary). But I also love lasagne, too.

      A few years back, Milk Street published a recipe for asparagus with soba noodles & miso butter. It’s become one of my go-to spring recipes.

    11. Chauncy Gardener*

      I just made linguini with sauteed chicken, broccolini, rosemary, lots of garlic, olive oil, white wine and parmesan. It was wonderful!
      I can’t wait to make the recipes above. They all sound fantastic!

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Sure! So:
          3 or 4 big garlic cloves peeled and sliced thin
          4 T olive oil
          6 boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into bit sized pieces
          2 bunches broccolini, chopped to 1 inch pieces (approx 4 c total?)
          Salt and pepper
          dried rosemary crushed up (about 1 T)
          1 to 1 1/2 c dry white wine
          grated Italian parmesan (probably 1/4 c for the sauce and then more to pass at table)
          1 package linguini that you cook toward the end of making the sauce

          Saute half the garlic in half the olive oil until the garlic is lightly browned. Remove garlic from pan and reserve. Add broccolini to pan and saute over med high heat, maybe adding a bit of water if necessary, until almost done. Remove broccolini from pan
          Add rest of olive oil and garlic to pan, cook until garlic is lightly browned, remove garlic from pan, add chicken and cook over med high heat, adding salt, pepper and rosemary. Once pretty much cooked, add broccolini and rest of ingredients, including reserved garlic, except pasta and cheese. Cook until cooked through and melded, then add the cheese and simmer over low heat, stirring until all combined.
          Serve sauce over pasta and sprinkle with parmesan.
          You could make this as a cream sauce and it’s divine, but I’m trying not to eat stuff like that!

    12. Holly the spa pro*

      My go-to is a shrimp pasta with a light garlic butter sauce. It’s so versatile since you can add anything to the base to change up the flavors like capers, artichoke hearts, broccoli, etc.

      I’m also a sucker for a tuna noodle casserole, such a comfort food. My husband has been into making home made Mac and cheese with different flavors/components each time. Im getting a little fluffy but hot Noodle dishes are such a comfy winter food.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I love mac-n-cheese variations :) Pizza mac, taco mac, pulled pork bbq mac is the BEST, I did a spinach artichoke mac with chicken and bacon a couple times, chicken bacon ranch mac.

    13. Charlotte Lucas*

      First – this thread makes me hungrier for noodles than I normally am on a Saturday morning.

      I just remembered another one. A local pizza place makes a “Drunken Ravioli” pizza. Hand-tossed crust, vodka sauce, mini cheese ravioli, mozzarella, & asiago. It’s pretty amazing.

      I haven’t had it in a while, as I started making homemade pizza once a week & only need so much pizza in my diet.

    14. Elle Woods*

      One of my all-time favorites is a creamy shrimp and corn pasta with tomatoes and spinach. When I saw the recipe on Pinch of Yum my first thought was “corn in pasta?” But it really works. I also love any sort of Asian noodle dish with pad Thai and pad see ew being my favorites.

    15. the cat's ass*

      This is a blast from my childhood in MA, where American Chop Suey (no idea why it was called that) was a thing: brown 1lb each ground pork and beef with a chopped onion, add oregano, S&P and add tomato sauce (i go with a jar of TJ’s 3 cheese tomato sauce), and then add in most of a package of cooked rotini. Even better the next day. This makes a LOT, and I will frequently make half the sauce without pasta and freeze it for later use. I’ve also made it with ground turkey and that’s not too bad either. I bring this to work for lunch and people alway want to know that it is, and now i make it for our potlucks (or i used to, pre panini).

      1. GoryDetails*

        “American Chop Suey” sounds a lot like the “goulash” my mother would make – mostly the same ingredients, but she used spaghetti and just the ground beef, no pork. Added a chopped green pepper, I think. I really liked that, but it wasn’t until I got out of college that I discovered that it bore no relationship at all to traditional goulash recipes!

        1. NeutralJanet*

          Sounds like your mother was making American goulash! There’s American goulash and Hungarian goulash–I have no idea why they have the same name, they really aren’t similar at all other than both having beef and tomatoes, but there you go.

          1. UKDancer*

            That’s fascinating and explains why in a book I read recently, the dish being called “goulash” was nothing like the one I make. I was wondering why they were using minced beef and noodles. My goulash (using a BBC recipe) involves stewing steak, peppers, onion, tomatoes, paprika and wine cooked very long and slow. I tend to serve it with rice or new potatoes.

            I’m not sure my version is very authentically Hungarian but I like it which is the main outcome of cooking in my view.

        2. the cat's ass*

          definitely the ACS is a regional thing in my neck of southern MA! I’ve heard it called american Goulash too and the addition of a green pepper sounds awesome.

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            Yup, near Boston native here and ACS (but not called Goulash) was definitely a thing growing up!!

            1. KimmyBear*

              Grew up eating ACS in CT. But my mom’s college roommate was from Boston so she may be the source.

      2. Love me, love my cat*

        Quick, someone help me up! I just fell off my chair. Actually cooked something today and settled in with a heaping bowl and AAM to keep me company. It’s a big bowl of….American Chop Suey. Especially weird since I don’t make it very often, even tho it’s so good!

    16. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      I like Poor Man’s Lasagna. I make our into a hotdish because I prefer it, but it’s supposed to be layered, like a lasagna.
      *2 boxes mac ‘n cheese, prepared
      *1 lb. hamburger, browned and drained (with 1 onion, optional)
      *1 jar spaghetti sauce
      *shredded cheddar cheese, about 2 cups or to taste
      Mix everything together in a pot and heat through, top with a little extra cheese. (For the “right” way, layer the mac ‘n cheese in a 9×13 pan, then layer on the hamburger, then the spaghetti sauce, then top with cheese. Bake in oven at 350 for 10-15 minutes until heated through and cheese melted. )
      I’m not a fancy cook, but my food usually tastes pretty good, is relatively cheap, and can be made quickly!

      1. Anono-me*

        I do a ‘lazy lasagna’ that you might like.

        1 family size or 1 1/2 – 2 normal size bag/s of stuffed ravioli
        1 jar of pasta sauce
        1 bag of shredded Italian cheese
        1 box of thawed and well drained frozen spinach (optional)

        Mix everything, but 1/2 of the cheese, together in a large baking dish. Bake for about 30-45 minutes at 350 °F. Top with the rest of the cheese and bake for another 15-20 minutes.

        1. Clisby*

          I do what we call “slacker’s lasagna.”
          Assemble all the ingredients for lasagna. Except don’t bother with lasagna noodles, they’re a PITA. Cook ziti/shells/penne/something like that al dente.
          Make a meat sauce by browning ground beef and adding a jarred sauce (I like Paul Newman’s and Rao’s.)
          Mix sauce, pasta, a couple of beaten eggs, ricotta, mozzarella, parmesan.
          Put into a greased casserole dish. Put more mozzarella and parmesan on top. Bake until done.

    17. NeutralJanet*

      I like to make an oven roasted ratatouille, cooking it a little extra long so that it really breaks down, and then mixing that with noodles. I usually add sundried tomatoes, and sometimes sausage or chicken. I really just love eggplant and am always trying to find more ways to cook it.

    18. GoryDetails*

      I enjoy many types of noodle dishes, from the very simple – flat noodles with butter-toasted breadcrumbs, for example – to various types of mac and cheese (Buffalo mac-and-cheese is a special favorite) and onward.

      1. TinaTurner*

        I’ve got my occasional craving for “Golden Lasagna” — just lasagna w/o tomato or meat, using ricotta and lots of melty mozz. on top, w/sweet oniion and garlic.

        I’m adding Mascarpone I have on hand to smooth out the grainy ricotta.

    19. Girasol*

      Mom’s special company dish was Graham Kerr’s chicken breasts on linguine. Saute chicken in butter, then take the chicken out and add to the buttery drippings a half pint of heavy cream and several tablespoons of liver pate. Put the chicken on top of a plate of linguini and douse it all with the cream sauce. The first time I made it I thought I’d copied the instructions wrong. Eww, liver! But somehow the combination is heavenly.

    20. Slinky*

      I recently made a dish that was basically udon with carbonara sauce. It was delicious and we’ll definitely be making it again! Recipe to follow.

    21. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I have two: One uses bow-tie or similar size pasta, and while that’s cooking, stir-fry pre-cooked sun-dried tomato sausage slices until browned, remove from pan, add a little olive oil and lightly stir-fry sliced zucchini and summer sausage, add color pepper slices pathway through. Remove, add more oil if needed, then lightly stir-fry grape tomatoes. Drain pasta when done, add sausage and peppers, vegetables, and tomatoes (can also add black olives and or cooked mushrooms), and fresh basil, plus a drizzle of good olive oil. Toss together, breaking up some of the tomatoes. Add cubed fresh mozzarella and toss again. Can add garlic and onion if you want, but I like the fresh flavors by themselves.
      The other isa Hungarian dish. Cook egg noodles, and while that’s going on, stir-fry chopped cabbage in butter until the edges start to brown and it’s tender. Drain noodles, add to cabbage, add salt, pepper, and ground caraway. Use as a side dish,or add sliced, browned smoked sausage for a hearty main dish.

    22. YUM!*

      Beef stroganoff is my all time favorite noodle dish. Or really, any dish. We lost mom’s recipe years ago and I’ve not found a good substitute. Would anyone share theirs?

      1. Wink the Book*

        I really enjoy the Budget Bytes one pot recipe. I always add a bit extra garlic and black pepper and make sure to get the good Polish egg noodles.

    23. Marion Ravenwood*

      Good old spaghetti bolognese or macaroni cheese for me. If I’m going out, then I’ve always got a soft spot for spaghetti alla vongole.

    25. Nerfmobile*

      One of my favorite low-prep meals, and easy to adjust to your personal preference:
      – a bag of mixed frozen veggies (12-16 ounces to serve two) or could obviously prep your own fresh
      – spaghetti or other long thin noodles
      – jarred tomato-based spaghetti sauce (or other sauce of your choice)
      – roughly 4 ounces of soft fresh goat cheese

      Start water for the pasta and put noodles in when boiling. Meanwhile, put veggies in a large skillet and sauté til soft. Add sauce – you’ll want enough to coat the veggies and the noodles and stir, bring to low. When the noodles are ready, drain and add to skillet. Reserve about 1/4 of the goat cheese for garnish and stir the rest into the veggie/pasta/noodle skillet. This will turn the sauce creamy. When cheese is melted and mixed in, dish out skillet content into large bowls or on plates. Top with reserved goat cheese (crumbled or in slide rounds depending on the nature of your cheese).

    26. Professor Plum*

      Oh the power of suggestion. I have mushrooms that need to be cooked. I have a zucchini to spiralize into zoodles. Had to go to the store for beef, sour cream and parmesan. Thanks for tonight’s dinner idea!

    28. Owlgal*

      I made goulash…. well, my own version. Ground beef, elbow noodles, crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, half an onion, half a package of spaghetti seasoning & half a package of chilli seasoning. Brown the beef & drain. Chop the onion. Boil the noodles. Combine everything & mix. Serve with shredded cheese & garnish with green olives.

    29. The Other Dawn*

      I got this recipe from the Epicurious website years ago. It’s my favorite tune noodle casserole recipe. When I visit various relatives out of state and I’m staying with them for a few nights, I usually make it for dinner one night. The bread crumb topping is the best part of the whole thing, in my opinion, so make them fresh. Super easy–just toss the bread in the food processor.

      Changes I made: I never add the mushrooms, since my husband and a few other people don’t like them. I usually use two cans of tuna. I like more tuna, plus it replaces the mushrooms in terms of bulk.

      Tuna Noodle Casserole
      Makes 4 to 6 servings

      1 medium onion, finely chopped
      4 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
      10 oz mushrooms, trimmed and sliced 1/4 inch thick (4 cups)
      2 teaspoons soy sauce
      1/4 cup Sherry
      1/4 cup all-purpose flour
      2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
      1 cup whole milk
      2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
      1/4 teaspoon salt
      1 (6-oz) can tuna in olive oil, drained
      6 oz dried curly egg noodles
      1 1/2 cups coarse fresh bread crumbs (from 3 slices firm white sandwich bread)
      4 oz coarsely grated Cheddar (I just use shredded cheese since it’s easier)
      1 tablespoon vegetable oil

      Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 375°F. Butter a shallow 2-quart baking dish.

      Cook onion in 1 1/2 tablespoons butter with a pinch of salt in a 12-inch heavy skillet over moderately low heat, covered, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes. Increase heat to moderately high and add mushrooms, then sauté, stirring occasionally, until mushrooms begin to give off liquid, about 2 minutes. Add soy sauce and continue to sauté mushrooms, stirring, until liquid mushrooms give off is evaporated. Add Sherry and boil, stirring occasionally, until evaporated. Remove from heat.

      Melt remaining 3 tablespoons butter in a 2- to 3-quart heavy saucepan over moderately low heat and whisk in flour, then cook roux, whisking, 3 minutes. Add broth in a stream, whisking, and bring to a boil, whisking. Whisk in milk and simmer sauce, whisking occasionally, 5 minutes. Stir in mushroom mixture, lemon juice, and salt. Flake tuna into sauce and stir gently. Season sauce with salt and pepper.

      Cook noodles in a 5- to 6-quart pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain noodles in a colander and return to pot. Add sauce and stir gently to combine. Transfer mixture to baking dish, spreading evenly. Toss together bread crumbs and cheese in a bowl. Drizzle with oil and toss again, then sprinkle evenly over casserole. Bake until topping is crisp and sauce is bubbling, 20 to 30 minutes.

    30. Bluebell*

      Over the pandemic I’ve gotten really good at improvising pasta with a cheese sauce. But if I want to make more effort, I love two Smitten Kitchen recipes: pasta w eggplant Ragu (also Uses cherry tomatoes) and sheet pan chow main, which can use a lot of different veggies.

  3. WoodswomanWrites*

    This isn’t seeking advice about The Place We Don’t Discuss on Weekends, just providing context for my question. I have multiple pieces of original framed artwork that used to be on the walls of my office. I subsequently left and started a new role where I’m working from home, and likely will never have my own full-time professional space.

    I like the art but live in a small space where I’ve already got a set-up with one piece of other existing art on each wall. The artwork I had to bring home, five pieces including one large woodblock print, has been sitting leaning against a wall out of the way ever since. I just don’t know what to do with it.

    I’ve seen other homes where people have walls with multiple pieces hung close together and they work for their decor. I wouldn’t know how to go about doing that when the pieces don’t naturally cluster together. Some are paintings and some are photographs, and with my small apartment I’m wondering if they would make the space feel too cluttered. I enjoy the pieces themselves and they have meaning because they depict places that are special to me, including one that was a gift from the photographer. I’m not ready to part with them and may eventually have more wall space when I eventually retire and move in a few years.

    Has anyone else arranged a mishmash of artwork in a small space? Or decide you were okay with just storing some of it until you could display it later?

    2. Really*

      There’s no reason you can’t just try hanging them all and seeing how you feel about it. As far as grouping goes I don’t think there’s just one ‘right’ way to do it. Maybe there are related or contrasting colors or similar frame styles (you could replace some). Or even just what fits together in the space. Or just how a group makes you feel or invoke memories.

    3. RagingADHD*

      The search term you want is gallery wall, I think. There are a lot of design blogs that give different approaches to choosing and arranging pieces, that all seem to look good.

      1. Jen Erik*

        Also worth searching ‘salon-style’. When my daughter was hanging a mix of pictures, we found that yielded more practical advice – with both search terms you get to see a lot of good practical examples, but the latter explained the how-to better.
        We did do the thing of cutting paper to the sizes of the pictures and arranging them on the floor, but the thing that worked well was her husband taking pictures of the pictures and then virtually arranging and rearranging them on a photo of the actual wall on his ipad. (I don’t know how he got everything to scale – young people and their technical wizardry.)
        It does look really well now.

        1. Jen Erik*

          Just to say, when I thought about it, he probably took a picture of the cut-to-size blanks on the wall, then photoshopped the actual pictures on to them.

    4. I take tea*

      We have one wall with several art works on, and I like it. Took some tries to get a good mix though. Try laying them on the floor or a bed to see how they fit together. We also have put up art in some less conventional spots, as over the door frames or inside a book shelf. But our home opt for cluttery but cosy generally.

      I know some people who rotate them, as KateM suggests, but it feels stressful to me.

      1. Sue*

        Yes to less conventional spots!
        I prop large pics against walls. I hang art on doors. I have some tiny pictures on a big mirror.

    5. mreasy*

      I love the look of different pieces hung in clusters, and we do it on a few of our walls. The best advice I got was to try it out on the floor first, then sketch it out so you can replicate the arrangement you like on the wall. You might be surprised at how good things can look once you rearrange them a few times!

    6. Siege*

      I’ve done both. I function best with a LOT of visual noise, so there are multiple art pieces on every wall of my home except one in the kitchen which I covered with tile stickers. :)

      One way to make a gallery wall work is to limit your number and style of frames. I bought a bunch of Etsy prints last year and put almost all of them in very simple black, white, or neutral wood frames from Target. Pay attention to the spacing, and do not skip the step where you make paper mock-ups of your pieces’ size and tape them up. I initially got 31 pictures into a slice of wall but they were too close together and putting six on other walls helped.

      Go off your eye-line. I hang a lot of art low (like, a couple feet from the floor) or high, but you can’t do that if it’s the only piece on the wall. The more you mass art, the less an individual piece is the focal point so you can start doing stuff that’s not recommended for single pieces.

      Fill in with smaller sizes. I really like 4×6 and 5×7 printables from Etsy for this. If you put up pictures in multiple sizes you can direct the eye where you want it.

      And I do have a couple of large, framed posters that are stored because I have no room. Because I have no room, they’re behind the cat tree, turned so they don’t get light. I’m unlikely to rotate them in because they’re poster size and most of my spaces aren’t, but I have them for if/when I change my mind.

      1. Siege*

        And to revisit the gallery wall – the art in mine is totally unrelated and ranges from floral macro photography to night skies to a pencil drawing of a Bharatanatyam dancer. Keeping the frames related means it doesn’t matter what’s inside them. They go together because they mean something to you.

    7. fposte*

      I rotate, but I’m also planning a little more grouping soon.

      IMHO, taste rules on this; if it looks good to you together, it’s fine. If you want to get fancy, you can get new frames/mats that bump up the coordinating even more. For a lot us, we’ll gravitate towards visual styles with some commonality anyway, so it’s often pretty easy to get a theme going or work in a melody/harmony kind of way.

    8. Lady Danbury*

      I had a gallery wall in my last apartment and it worked really well. I used the same types of frames (color/style) on all of the pieces to add an element of cohesiveness. Try playing around with placement by laying them flat on the floor. You can even map out the dimension of the wall using chalk to get a better feel for how they’d fit in the space.

    10. Aphrodite*

      I am a big fan of well-done gallery walls. It sounds like you are talking about that. Mine–I have one in the living room and one in the master bedroom–are composed of various types art, including three-dimensional pieces. There is no theme per se but they are all there because I love them. They all mean something to me.

      Admittedly, I have a strong sense of design so I never plan how to do them but just add items one by one as they come into my life. My first one took four years to complete. Here are some links that can provide good ideas for you but I would say the most important thing by far is that whatever you include should be, in fact must be, things you love.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Links:
        If you go eclectic then use a limited hand on other walls in the same room. Keep it simple so you don’t make the entire room look cluttered and/or messy. Make the gallery wall the star and everything else in a supporting role. You can also go with a theme like sailing or cars or rain or anything you are passionate about but still keep the variety in textures, sizes, frames, etc.

        Houzz: https://www.houzz.com/photos/query/gallery-wall
        Apartment Therapy: https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/search?q=gallery%20wall
        Laurel Bern Blog: https://laurelberninteriors.com/?s=gallery+walls
        DigsDigs: https://www.digsdigs.com/?s=gallery+walls

  4. Poodle wants*

    I would like some advice from the dog owners amongst you about my 5 month old miniature poodle. He wakes very early wanting to pee (no problem) but also be feed his breakfast. If he doesn’t get his breakfast he will get increasingly antsy, escalating to full barking. This has been happening earlier and earlier and he’s been waking at 4am lately. I’m refusing to feed him until 5am. Previously I held out until 6am but it has slipped back to 5am because the barking is too much. Once he has eaten, played and toileted (around an hour) I take him back to bed and he does usually snuggle in and go to sleep for another hour, as do I. It’s not a disaster as I now go early to bed but I’d rather he didn’t want fed at 4am. He seems ravenous at every meal although I feed him the recommended portion size. He is on dry kibble. Does anyone have any advice. I’m getting a lot of “don’t let him be the boss of you” and “just tell him in a stern tone to go to sleep” type chat from my family and, well …. it doesn’t help. Is there anything else I should try? Thanks.

    1. Cedrus Libani*

      You sure he’s not just hungry? Recommended portion size is a decent starting point, but some critters just have a fast metabolism, same as people. It can also vary by season. My kitties are on a portion control feeder, but they do understand that one yowls at the human when the feeder isn’t working, and I’ve found that it takes ~15% more food in winter to prevent early-morning complaints.

      1. Poodle wants to eat early*

        Thank you! It may be that simple. I will increase his portion sizes and see how I go. His meal times have become earlier across the board, i.e. he now has dinner at 5pm ( again … barking) so I will try making that later again to help him stay full all night. I realize I have been treating the portion size recommendations as gospel.

        1. Bagpuss*

          It may be easier to push the evening feed back later, when you’re up and can focus on training and not rewarding barking etc, and that might help with the early mornings as well. Maybe feed a bit more in the evening, too.

        2. Dear liza dear liza*

          You can also give him a sizable snack at bed time. My large breed dog, who is 4, still gets about 1/4 cup of food and a cookie at night.

        3. Missb*

          Yeah our vet always told us about how her lab puppy would need 12 cups of good quality kibble a day.

          Our lab mix- definitely twice the size of a lab- would only eat max 4 cups as a pup (1.5 cups as an adult).

          Up the food amount! But keep in mind that’s not the lifetime amount.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      Ooph yeah thats rough! I would slowly shift the breakfast time. He likely is hungry! Puppies need to eat A LOT initially. So instead of feeding at 4 am, feed at 405 for a bit, then 415, then 430, etc. eventually you can shift it to a later time.

    3. The Dogman*

      How often do you feed him?

      Does he get any treats or chews before bed?

      I would try giving him a little more food before bed for a bit, and if that doesn’t help then maybe a tiny snack bowl once he has been out, then breakfast at the normal time after a snooze.

      He is young, so it could be he is just hungry cos he is growing fast.

    4. sswj*

      When you come back in from his pee break, give him a chunk of carrot, a cookie, or a pinch of his regular food. Not a full meal, just a little. You could also splash some water on the kibble to add more initial volume to his stomach.

      Give him his treats BEFORE he starts barking. If you give in to his noise he’s learning that he just has to keep being loud to be fed.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Check with your vet. Sometimes kibble does not cut it. They are carnivores and do need meat. Mine eats 7 ounces of meat at every meal. I came to this number by trying different amounts. With 6 ounces he lost weight and with 8 ounces he gained weight so 7 ounces is his magic number. He is a high energy dog and he burns those calories right up. (He is about knee high and weighs 60 pounds. The vet says he looks great and at age 13 he can still out run me.)

      While you are waiting to talk to your vet, give him more to eat at night. His food is not staying with him for whatever reason so he needs more food to carry him through to breakfast. You can also work in whole food treats. I switch each week- but my dog will eat carrots, pieces of apple, peas in edible pods and similar things.

      Once you have tweaked his diet and you are satisfied he is in a better place, then you can start to deal with the behaviors. But I am almost guessing the behaviors will melt away.

      Oh yeah, one more thing. My dog does not drink much water at all. So the vet had me add a 1/2 cup of water to each meal. Your dog would need less water than that because of relative size. It’s winter and the heat in the house causes my skin and hair to dry out, my little buddy has to be feeling similar things.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        I have also cracked an egg in my dog’s bowl to add a bit more protein, when I wasn’t able to get his usual XXL food for a week due to supply chain issues.

    6. Dog and cat fosterer*

      I tell adopters to never feed their new pet when they wake up, and you are the textbook reason for this!

      First, I would switch now and feed the pup later in the morning, when you are dressed and fed, and after his walk if that’s possible. He will bark a lot at first but that’s going to happen either way at this point. The amount of food mentioned above is a good thing to consider, as I start with the guide and then feed them more if they are ribby. My adults are sleek so I don’t overfeed, and I judge amount of food based on their ribs which is harder with fluffy fur. I’m used to labs that are often missing the gene to turn off hunger, and they don’t bark constantly so yours has a learned behavior. He may be hungry, but he doesn’t have to bark constantly in the morning about it.

      I feed my pups, adults, fosters and mine by scooping out the daily amount each morning, and feeding them bits throughout the day. Returns from walks are the bigger amounts as they are better scheduled which helps with toileting, and also a few kibbles for random little training sessions and good behavior.

      You can try a special chewing toy as part of your early morning toilet break if that will keep him busy. I would have suggested a frozen kong with treats but in this case I don’t know if any food would be helpful.

      You’re right that your family advice isn’t helpful!

      1. Generic Name*

        I am very proud that I did then when I got my current set of cats. I feed them their wet food at 5pm ish (when I get home for work). I did not want to awaken me early in the weekends, and they don’t! Of course, they’ll start meowing right food at 3 pm, but much better than 3 am.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      I think he’s just a hungry, growing boy. I agree with the folks saying to push the night feed as late as possible and increase the portions. And don’t worry! Just because he’s doing this now doesn’t mean he’ll do it forever.

      1. SnowedIn*

        Maybe he needs to eat more often? Not more overall but smaller portions more often. We have a poodle mix and she has a sensitive stomach and would throw up bile if she isn’t fed often. So we switched to three feedings a day. This works out because I WFH full time and can do a meal around 2:30. Good luck!

          1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

            Yes, this. I feed my adult dogs kibble 2x a day with a snack at noon. Once my last hound puppy reached adult weight (75 lb), I reduced her noon meal to about 3 oz of canned food frozen into a Kong.

            1. Sloanicote*

              Question: does this make your adult dog toilet more often too? I’m not keen to be picking up 3-4 x a day now when it used to be 1 or 2x a day. Considering shifting back to feeding twice a day.

              1. Dog and cat fosterer*

                For me no. I give small bits as mentioned above and one big poop for one dog, and 1-2 poops for the other, and 2 for another, almost always on our walks

              2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

                Not that I have noticed, mine go for a walk right before or after a meal, so there is a ~10-min or so walk for each meal and another 30 min walk to work off the day’s napping when we get home from work. Good quality food with less filler tends to make less to pick up. The small amount of canned food in the Kong doesn’t seem to increase *ahem* output.

                Disclaimer: Hounds are both large and high energy, so if you have another breed your experience may differ.

    8. Assorted Ability*

      Miniature pups can also have low blood sugar. Some folks will put a little corn syrup in their water. A treat when going back in might do the trick as well.

    9. Sloan Kittering*

      So, not like this will solve all the issues, but I wanted to throw it out there because it was SO useful to me: apparently the ideal time to feed a dog is 30 minutes after you *want* him to wake up. I was doing this all wrong and getting annoyed with the dog for not sleeping in, but I wasn’t really working with his biology correctly. They will always want to be fed a little sooner and a little more than schedule, but this might at least give you a sense of what to aim for. (As I said thought obviously this isn’t the crux of your question and hopefully others will have good advice).

    10. Poodle wants to eat early*

      Thanks so much to everyone who has commented. This is so, so helpful and reassuring. I’ve already started increasing his portions and will try some other ideas you’ve suggested. Thank you!

    11. LemonLyman*

      Admittedly all my rescues have been adults so I have never had a puppy but I have found couple of things that have worked for me.

      * I always take my dog out for a pee right before bed. And there’s no water where the dog sleeps. This prevents accidents and the tank is empty so they don’t have to pee in early morning. Then I give the dog a treat when we come in so my dogs have quickly realized that if they run in to their bed and wait, they’ll get a bedtime treat.
      * The kibble serving amounts are a starting point and guideline depending on activity level of your dog, not a hard and fast rule.
      * Puréed pumpkin (found in a can just double check ingredients that you’re not accidentally buying pie filling) is an excellent way to bulk up a meal without adding a ton of calories. Maybe mix in a bit with each meal to help puppy feel a little more satiated.
      * Dogs learn routine very quickly so if you give in to the barking, puppy will think that to get food, he needs to bark. You’ll want to nip that in the bud quickly or he’ll do that for all his meals.

      1. Sloanicote*

        “Dogs learn routine very quickly” ugh struggling with this so hard right now. My boy (recently adopted) seems to really want things to be the exact same every day, and I find that such a difficult thing to deliver. It makes me not want to do nice things for him because I’m afraid he’ll seize on it and start pestering me for that exact thing at that exact time forever and ever amen. Sadly my work schedule varies, and my mental health gets quirky when things start to feel like groundhog day with no deviation ever. I’d like him to work with me and be a bit more flexible on the timing of his walks – and sometimes give me a break when it’s raining or an ice sheet (I have a large fenced in yard so he’s not like deprived of exercise or the opportunity to relieve himself).

        2. Dog and cat fosterer*

          It can be hard with some dogs. The two I adopted are okay with any schedule because fostering can make my life unpredictable, but some of the fosters can be difficult. I’m not sure how to address that easily. Now I’m going to be mulling that for a while!

        3. SofiaDeo*

          Try praising him after a short time of him lying quietly. If yours loves routine, and learns that lying quietly will get praise and some petting, I bet he will do it more often. But I think you will have to do it hourly (maybe more initially) to get him in the habit. Even if you have to command him to “load up” or “go lie down” or whatever initially before the praise.

          1. Sloan Kittering*

            Yes, I’d be fine if his routine was settling down next to me in his nice warm bed until I tell him it’s time for his walkies!! I’m trying to establish that routine … he has a different routine in mind so far : D (he’s a senior dog and a generally calm, mellow breed so I’m hoping he will get there).

            1. Chauncy Gardener*

              He’ll get there! My rescue dog gets two outside times in the morning, plus breakfast. Then I say “Let’s go to work!” And he rushes to the office, usually grabbing whichever toy (or his daily cucumber. Yes, really) to bring with him. He lies on his bed, I tuck him in and we’re good to go for a few hours. And he’s pretty young.
              Just have commands for the various things you’re doing. And dogs do like schedules overall. Try not to take his personality personally. You guys are still getting used to each other! It will all work out!

            2. Dog and cat fosterer*

              Rule of 3s
              It takes:
              3 days for a new animal to calm down a bit
              3 weeks to get into a routine
              3 months to feel at home

              Some animals take a bit longer. But you get the idea, that things will settle! Your experience is extremely typical

    12. Unkempt Flatware*

      An automated feeder on a timer is the only way I sleep in. I can feed three meals with mine on a timer.

    13. Owlgal*

      I’ve got a Yorkie. We feed after pottying in the morning. Late afternoon. Before bed. He also gets snacks of those little carrots in a bag. He’s a small boy at 10 lbs (but big for a Yorkie despite a sleek appearance). With small dogs, you’ve got to watch calories because they can gain weight quickly.

    14. SofiaDeo*

      When my dog was a puppy, I did a “modified free feeding”. He always had kibble out as a puppy, and I measured it/logged it daily to verify he didn’t have a sudden drastic change of intake. While the amount he ate varied a bit, I was warned to watch for sudden severe drops in food intake that could indicate illness. I did the same with water, always available but measured to see if there was a sudden decrease in intake. Puppies need to eat more often than older dogs. I noticed mine would play, eat nap…..and repeat, several times a day, his first year. He developed the habit of generally eating “almost” everything now, always leaving a bit in his bowl, like a tablespoon. When it’s time for the refill, I just add it to the bowl. There were a few times my dog was sick (teething, and giardia infection) and I knew almost right away, he stopped eating before showing other symptoms.

      As an adult, he is not a piggy dog and is more on the “slender” side. The vet is happy with his weight and Ive never needed to put him on a drastic diet. He still leaves food in his bowl, I still do this modified free feed. My partners dog, who only got fed X amounts as a growing animal, is a pig who will eat anything and everything. I now have the problem of the other dog cleaning out my dogs’ bowl when we aren’t looking, and I have to put bowls away away overnight.

      So IMO yours is likely waking up hungry. As others noted, the feeding guidelines are guidelines only, and amounts can vary. As long as ypur vet isn’t concerned with your puppy gaining way too much in between visits, extra food should be fine.Also, (sidebar) there are studies out indicating the higher quality of food our pets get early and throughout their life, the fewer health issues and vet visits occur later in life. So also make sure you are getting the highest quality you can afford. Excessive “hunger” in dogs and other animals occasionally is a specific nutrient craving. The dog overeats in an attempt to get enough of nutrient X. If you’re buying the very cheapest kibble possible, this may become an issue at some point.

    15. Gnome*

      In addition to the comments below, you may want to consider crate training if you haven’t already. It is handy for things like this, but also for when great aunt Mildred who is terrified of small dogs comes over (or you are having carpet removed and the workers need to leave the door open).

    16. Clisby*

      Oh, “just tell him in a stern tone to go to sleep”?
      Yeah, sure. That worked like a charm with my 5-month-old (human) babies. (Not.)

  5. Now or later*

    I can use advice about a financial dilemma. I’m about to purchase a used car from a relative. The car is not very old with low mileage and in great shape, and it was her idea because she know my old car died and she wants to help me out. We get along very well, and she’s definitely saving me a lot of money by selling it for less than she could get otherwise. Years ago she loaned me money when I bought my last used car, which was a lot older and cheaper, and everything went smoothly with my paying her back. She’s leaving it up to me to decide the down payment and how much I want to pay in monthly installments, including varying amounts each month and taking as long as I need.

    It’s taken me years to sock away my savings, and my monthly bills are currently manageable. If I give her an amount that is at or near the amount of what’s in my savings, it will mean my monthly payments are smaller but it will leave me without savings that will take a long time to build back up and have for any emergencies. The other option is to provide a smaller down payment but be saddled with monthly payments that will be a stretch because I don’t want to be owing money on this car beyond three years based on my winding down my years in the workforce. I welcome suggestions.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I think it depends on the size of your emergency fund. I go by the common recommendation to keep 3-6 month’s expenses in savings. If you don’t have any extra saved for the car, I wouldn’t recommend blowing your emergency fund on it.

      If your choices are wiping out your savings or being in debt long-term, maybe this car isn’t affordable for you? Your relative might be offering a good deal, but that doesn’t necessarily make it the right deal for you.

    2. Berlin Berlin*

      If the arrangement is just between you and her, can you agree a smaller down payment, and a monthly schedule that would work out to eg 5 years, but that after maybe 2.5 years you’ll use your savings to pay her the entire remaining debt (like a second down payment)? If she’s happy with a longer repayment plan she should also be happy with that, and after a couple of years presumably you’ll have built up your savings appropriately (if this would wipe you out then anyway, then the car presumably isn’t affordable).

      1. Berlin Berlin*

        Should have added: I know you specifically mentioned strength training, and I’ve found it effective for strength too.

    3. Bagpuss*

      Since she is willing to be flexible, would it make sense to set repayments over more than 3 years but hope/plan to overpay?
      You could perhaps aim to put money aside each month (the difference between the agreed payments and what you would pay if you were doing it over 3 years) then pay her a chunk of that every 3 months or so.
      That way, you’d be able to pay it off over three years if all goes well but would have a bit of leeway for emergencies, and even if there are a couple of months each year where you are too stretched and can’t put the full amount aside you should wind up with much less still to pay at the end of 3 years.
      That said, it is also worth thinking about whether it is right for you or whether a smaller/cheaper car is better (or possible!)
      I would not totally drain your savings but look at the figures- maybe there’s a middle point where you use a bit more but not all of them?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t give up your savings. This week alone I shelled out $200 for a battery and $600 for brakes.
      The system I used to handle my mortgage is what I call erring on the side of caution. I refi’ed. I opted to set myself for a smaller monthly payment with the idea that I could pay ahead when possible. It worked out very well. I will be paying off a 30 year loan in about 16 years. I am a big fan of building in some slack for unforeseens.

      In your setting you might even consider a modest down payment and using your savings to pay ahead a little each month. I think the key thing is to set a monthly amount that you will easily meet with no problems each month. Get that part nailed down.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I had to do the same thing, $200 for battery and $600 for tires, two weeks ago :( and mortgage too — I aimed for a smaller monthly payment, but pay additional to the principal every month that adds up to about 4 extra total payments per year.

      2. Now or later*

        I hear you about savings. I had an unexpected four-figure expense last year and because I had savings, I didn’t need to go into debt to cover it. I like your idea about the smaller monthly amount and getting ahead if I need to. I’ve been debt-free for a long time and I’m realizing that’s where my inclination to pay it off quickly came from. However, my relative has no requirement for when I pay the full amount, and I’m thinking now it makes sense to extend the timeline to make the monthly payments more manageable while keeping my savings intact.

    5. Numbers-minded layman*

      As I see it, the only real financial variable here is the interest rate. Well, that and inflation. If it’s an interest-free loan, you pay back the same number of dollars in the end, period. It doesn’t matter at all whether you make a big downpayment up front or just keep that money in your own bank and give it back to her over time: In either case you start with the same cash in your bank, earn the same paycheck over time, and pay back the same amount of dollars in the end. It’s more of an emotional decision whether you want to feel like it’s paid off but have less cash on hand, or want to keep more of your savings socked away in your bank for emergencies.

      The interest rate is the big variable, which isn’t mentioned in your description of the loan arrangement (and is very much a missing piece if you haven’t discussed it with her). If you owe interest on the loan, then the more you pay upfront the less total money you’ll spend on the car: Everything not paid up front will be paid back with interest (and interest adds up — google for a loan calculator). So then it’s more of a financial balancing act whether you want/need cash in the back and are willing to spend more over time (in interest) in order to not have to pay a big sum now; or whether you want to pay less in total by making a big down payment and then having less to pay back over time. They length of time of the payments also matters here — if you’re going to pay it all back really soon, interest doesn’t amount to much, but if you’re going to pay it back over a loooong time, that interest accrues every year on the money you haven’t paid back yet!

      And then, level II: Inflation is a thing. It works like a negative interest rate on the loan. Dollars buy less stuff in the future, and so in reality you come out ahead by borrowing money at a tiny interest rate and paying it back with future dollars that are each worth less to you (the NUMBER of dollars you have to pay back is the same, but because of inflation each of those dollars becomes less and less useful to you in the future so it “feels” like a smaller amount to repay).

      If the interest rate is the same as the inflation rate, the lender recoups the same “value” they started with, once the loan is repaid. If the interest rate is lower than the inflation rate, the money the lender ended up with after the loan was repaid doesn’t actually buy as much as it did before they loaned it out (and the borrower comes out ahead). And of course, if the interest rate is higher than inflation, the lender effectively makes a profit on the loan — that’s often why people lend money. And that’s how we intuitively think of loans working: the borrower has to pay money for the privilege of using somebody else’s money for a little while.

      I hope you find this helpful, rather than arcane, but the point is that inflation and interest rate both determine your advantage for paying now or later — and similarly, whether your relative comes out either behind or ahead once all is repaid. Of course, they just want to help you, so it may not matter to them whether they “make” or “lose” money selling you a car for below-market value, but it’s worth noting, and it definitely can influence your desired repayment plan.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Keep your savings. Set up a payment plan for the 3 years, even though it means a stretch. This is someone who is willing to work with you, and obviously you are very conscientious, so if something arises to make it hard to make a few payments, it sounds like she would be fine extending the payment schedule if necessary.

      If everything works out, you’ll have paid off the loan within the 3 years and maintained your savings for other needs. If you hit a glitch, you’ll either extend the payment terms or you’ll dip into savings at that time.

      What this boils down to is, if you give up your savings and have a sudden need for them, you don’t have a backup plan. If you set up a 3 year payment plan but hit a glitch, you have a built-in backup because your relative is willing to work with you.

      1. tamarack & fireweed*

        Yes, this.

        If you don’t dip (deeper than you are comfortable with) into your savings *now* you still have them in case you need to later.

    7. Now or later*

      Thanks, everyone. My relative genuinely is fine with whatever I come up with, including varying how much I pay from month to month and taking as long as I need to pay everything off. There’s also no interest.

      Your comments are helping me realize that the three-year payment period, which has been my own idea, is arbitrary and a reflection of my wanting this to be over with sooner than later. In reality, my relative has assured me that I can take as much time as I need to pay off the car. I think that by extending the period for payments, that will allow me to keep substantial savings and make monthly payments that aren’t a burden.

      1. Numbers-minded layman*

        One more element is credit reports — I have never done this but I think it is possible for a private loan to (somehow) be reported to the credit-report agencies, so that your timely payments on this private loan can help build credit the same way payments on a bank loan or standard car loan would have, if that is something you’re interested in. That can help with any future bank lending you might be interested in for any other purpose.

  6. Batgirl*

    This is a fitness question. Does anyone have any good advice for strength toning at home? Before moving into my new place I was going to the gym daily because my interim place was cramped in the morning. I was surprisingly pleased at the results I got just from using the tricep/bicep machine and ab machine on low weights. I’m a bit too far away from the gym now, but I liked having the habit and wondered if there was a way to duplicate it at home.

    1. Berlin Berlin*

      I really like 12 Minute Athlete (free app and online resources/workouts with a paid option). It’s what it sounds like, high intensity fairly brief workouts (eg you might do 3 rounds of 6 different exercises for 40 seconds each, or you might have to complete 5 rounds of 20 push-ups/20 squats/20 sit-ups as fast as possible, that kind of thing). Mostly body weight exercises (some of the workouts use a pull-up bar which is great if you can get one, but you can just substitute something else if not). You can get a good workout in a surprisingly short time if you’re pushing yourself, it’s great for cardio fitness, and it doesn’t wreck you (I love Spin, but sometimes it leaves me depleted for several hours!).

    2. The Dogman*

      Kettle bells.

      You cannot go wrong with them really, and lots of guides on exercise routines are online and some on youtube are really good to follow.

      You can pick them up fairly cheaply usually, and second hand ones will be fine, they are just lumps of steel with a handle anyway!

    3. mreasy*

      My husband uses resistance bands and loves it – he started when the gym closed for COVID. There are workouts available online specifically for them.

    4. Cubicle_queen*

      I use Get Mom Strong, which is a paid program, but you can find workouts on her Instagram. She uses mini-resistance bands (wrap around your thighs, legs, and ankles for different lateral movements), long resistance bands (use for arms and upper body; you can even loop it around something stable at hip height or overhead and use a dowel to imitate a rowing movement), and a Pilates ball for core work. Also hand weights for the usual variety of lifts. You can gets lots of burning and muscle-building with just these pieces.

    5. Jane*

      I bought some free weights in a range at my level of fitness and follow along to workouts on YT. I like Caroline Girvan, Juice & Toya, and Mad Fit. But there are so many to choose from. I know others who fully committed to buying the machines, but I’m guessing if you wanted to do that you wouldn’t be asking here, haha!

      2. cat socks*

        I also have dumbells at home and use the strength training workous from Fitness Blender on YouTube.

        1. Longtime Lurker*

          seconding Fitness Blender – great filtering to find just the right level, focus, and duration. If you’re newer to working out with them, I do recommend using the newer videos – advice has evolved over the years and some of the things they say in the oldest ones are not quite true anymore…

    6. J.B.*

      I do better going to the gym, mainly because they have a wide variety of stuff to use with body weight. There’s no reason you couldn’t replicate that at home and I love the suggestions for kettle bells and resistance bands. I would also suggest looking into TRX and medicine balls, then googling different exercises you can do with each.

    7. fposte*

      There’s You Are Your Own Gym, for a great slate of bodyweight exercises. I think the app might be free or low cost. exrx dot net also has a ton of exercises; click on the “Exercise Directory” link to browse.

      FWIW, I splashed out a few years ago on Bowflex adjustable weight dumbbells, and I’ve really liked having them. They’re not perfect for everything (I keep a few smaller hex dumbbells for lighter weight stuff) but they go up to 50 lbs apiece and store compactly, with each having about a 10″x18″ footprint.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I use an exercise ball and a mat for ab work (and legs and arms too). Combined with some exercise bands and simple isometrics, I keep in shape without even using free weights anymore. I used to use them, but I was getting some stress injuries in my wrists and forearms so I gave them up and haven’t missed them.

    9. NeutralJanet*

      I like Alex Crockford’s channel on YouTube! He has some videos with 15 minute dumbbell exercises that have been really great for me to do at home. If you don’t have any equipment at all, he does also have a bunch of bodyweight videos–I’ve only ever tried his upper body bodyweight video, so can’t vouch for the rest, but the one I did was great!

    10. Tacocat*

      You might like a TRX or similar device. It allows you to do bodyweight training at varying levels of difficulty. There are tons of workouts online and you can work from those or do your own thing. It’s relatively cheap if you go the off brand route and stows away nicely if space is limited.

    11. Aly_b*

      I would take a look at Casey Johnston’s Ask a Swole Woman column (now a newsletter) and don’t shy away from some adjustable dumbbells (easy at home) or moving towards a barbell (a little more infrastructure for home use but worth considering). Weight training is the best way to build strength and muscle. She’s got a Couch to Barbell program and e-book out that is a great resource with clear explanations of exercises, and a specific program and set of exercises and progressions to follow.

    12. Searching*

      To my great surprise, I’ve enjoyed the Peloton app (which I use with Chromecast to watch it on our TV). I did a 60-day free trial first, and now gladly pay the $13/mo. I still had some dumbbells but bought a few more to round out my collection. What I like about the app is the variety of classes and instructors. I now find myself doing all kinds of strength training, yoga, some cardio (when weather or travel doesn’t allow me to run outdoors), even occasional meditation. Until I discovered the app, I thought Peloton required that expensive bike or treadmill. I’ll never invest in that kind of equipment, but the dumbbells and yoga stuff have been well worth it. Of course it’s never as good (or as expensive…) as real life classes where instructors watch your form, but so far the classes I’ve taken included decent form pointers.

    13. Kuododi*

      If I am traveling, I throw a couple of resistant bands in my purse and while we are on bathroom breaks for “His Majesty the Royal Daschund” (Genuflect in his presence!!!), I’ll get in a few minutes with the bands as well as walking with the King.
      At home, I use light hand weights as well as different sizes of can goods for strength training.
      YouTube is a fantastic resource for exercise videos covering all skill sets. (beginner to expert.) Best regards Kuododi

  7. Orange Crushed*

    Has anyone ever lived somewhere and they found radon? I lived in the basement for 10 years at my parent’s house and when they sold it, they found radon and had to have a mitigation system put in. Sort of freaking out because of reading about it online. (ie: lung cancer)

    1. Anon scientist*

      Environmental scientist here. I live in an area where radon systems really should be in almost all basements, but I would guess that less than 5% actually have them. If the floor was intact (no big cracks), that lowers the risk. We have far lower risk tolerance than we used to (radon, arsenic/lead/radon in well water), which is good! But many, many people grew up with those as risk factors and turned out ok. You’re also at lower risk in general if your exposure was as an adult or older kid.

    2. Miel*

      This is completely anecdotal, but my mom grew up in southern MN, where probably every house should have radon mitigation systems, but in the 1960s probably none did. I don’t know of anyone on that side of the family with lung problems: two of her siblings are hardcore athletes at age 60, and her parents are 90 years old.

    3. Jen*

      So it’s important to conceptualize risk. Something might double your risk of getting cancer, but it raises the rate from something like 1% to 2%.

      Mitigating that risk is a good thing, especially from a public health perspective where you’re talking about millions of people more who get cancer. But it also doesn’t mean you individually are that likely to get that sick from the exposure.

      A lot of things like that are a paradox. Just because something is definitely harmful and should be prevented doesn’t mean you individually are that likely to get sick from it. So while mitigation is 100% something that should be done, it doesn’t mean you should feel that anxious about it.

      1. Generic Name*

        Right, and one of the reasons to mitigate is because it’s pretty cheap and easy. It’s generally less than $1000 and takes less than a day.

        1. A Feast of Fools*

          Can you expand on the cost, Generic Name?

          My next-door neighbor bought a real-time radon reader and said that the levels were in the 6-7 pCi/L range. We have pier-and-beam houses, so she had her husband put an industrial fan in their crawl space, to blow the air out of the air vents.

          The fan is LOUD and keeps me up on nights when it’s cool enough to open my windows. They’ve told me that radon remediation is in the $10K to $15K range and they’re saving up for it. I think they plan on having foam sprayed on the underside of their floors, sealing the house off from the air in the 2-3 foot high crawl space.

          FWIW, I bought a couple of the mail-in radon tests and my level is a smidge below 4 pCi/L. Their house is maybe 20-30 feet away from mine, so I have no idea why their reading is so much higher than mine.

    4. Generic Name*

      Yes. Both houses I’ve owned in Colorado I’ve installed radon systems. I mean, you can’t go back and undo the past. As an adult, I found out the house I grew up in was on the very edge of an area were houses had high lead levels in the yards due to a nearby steel mill. It was disconcerting, but I don’t seem any worse off for it.

    5. Malarkey01*

      Yes I grew up and live in an area where radon is in every house and no one worried about it when I was a kid in the basement bedroom. Now we have mitigation systems installed as a warranty condition with each house we buy, but that’s still somewhat unusual. Not downplaying the risk but a huge part of the central US where people have basements have also had radon and the risk is still pretty low.

    6. Anonymouse*

      Wondering if anyone has had experience with getting an IEP for a gifted elementary school student. My 3rd grader could be classified as gifted (was reading at 2.5, doing double digit addition in her head in KG, etc). She is bored and frustrated to the point of crying every night, hiding in the bathroom during certain lessons, tuning out during class, etc. Our state (NJ) doesn’t mandate IEPs for giftedness. Obviously we have talked to her teacher and principal with no meaningful effect. I know some people don’t see it as an issue, but as I see the mental health toll on my kid, it really is.

      1. MyFirstComment*

        I don’t have advice about how to get the school to do the right thing. But I was this kid and I want to validate your perception. The toll it takes is lifelong and real. I hope you are able to find a solution and commend you as a parent!

  8. JustForThis*

    Last week I asked for recommendations for fantasy novels written by women. Thank you so very much to everyone who commented! The thread developed into such a rich treasure trove that I consolidated the recommendations into an alphabetically ordered list with comments and commenters’ names here:

    https://etherpad.wikimedia.org/p/female_fantasy

    (I may have overlooked some titles in last week’s long thread — apologies!)

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Thank you for this! I started reading your post and thought “oh, I need to go back and find that” and here it is all organized!

    5. Abaso*

      oh wonderful! yoink!!

      If you’re still looking for recommendations?
      – Anne Bishop’s ‘Black Jewels’ and ‘The Others’ series
      – Patricia Briggs ‘Mercy Thompson’ and ‘Alpha and Omega’ series
      – Andre Norton’s everything
      – Jennifer Roberson’s ‘Tiger and Del’ series

        1. Abaso*

          welcome! awesome :)

          I should probably add that Andre Norton _really_ straddles the line between science-fiction and fantasy a lot of the time. The various ‘Witch World’ series are fantasy but have some sf elements and the sf ones often have a good dose of fantasy.

          1. JustForThis*

            Oh, that sounds intriguing — I enjoy this kind of genre-bending a lot. I’ve added your comment to the list, so that people get a feel for what to expect. Thank you!

        2. Abaso*

          this list keeps reminding me of authors I love :) a couple more:
          – Rebecca Roanhorse’s ‘Sixth World’ series
          – Lilith Saintcrow’s ‘Jill Kismet’ series

    7. JustForThis*

      Just to add: The first novel I picked up from the list was Elizabeth Moon’s _The Deed of Paksenarrion_, which weighs in at over a thousand densely printed pages. Reviews on goodreads tend to be either five stars or one, and I can see why: many descriptions are incredibly detailed (Were you ever interested in the logistics of a mercenary company’s marching order over muddy country lanes? Read this novel!), and people either feel invited into the world, get immersed and soak it all up or feel excluded from the plot.

      The protagonist starts out as a sheepfarmer’s daughter from some out-of-the-way farm, and our understanding of the world is as limited as hers, while it becomes clear from snatches of conversations that there is much more going on. I’m only about halfway through, and I for one enjoy the slow unfolding of a complex, many-facetted world. I was just becoming uncomfortably unsure why a task which she was given was never mentioned again for at least a hundred pages, asking myself whether the author had dropped the ball or I had misunderstood something — and just when I was about to google whether anyone else had noticed, a convincing explanation turned up. An ultimately very well executed and satisfying play with my attention, I thought.

        1. JustForThis*

          I think this was the first time I ever encountered that specific dynamics, and I thought it was cleverly done.

          I very much enjoy the novel, even though much of the second part was rather bleak. I’m at the start of the third and things look slightly more hopeful for Paks now, though I somehow suspect it won’t last.

      2. UKDancer*

        I loved the first book in the series and really enjoyed the military logistics parts. The author is, I think, ex military herself and it really shows in the realism of some of the campaign organisation. I like books where the world building makes logical sense and the world would actually work in real terms. I didn’t enjoy the second and third books very much as Paladin training wasn’t as interesting to me.

        Now you’ve reminded me of the series I must read her other books about Gird.

    8. Claire*

      This is so great! If you’re still looking for suggestions, I like Trudi Canavan (I started with her Black Magician trilogy).

      And if you don’t mind fantasy geared more towards high school, but still a good read, Tamora Pierce and Cinda Williams China. I started with the Song of the Lionness quartet and the Seven Realms series respectively.

        1. JustForThis*

          Thank you! A recommendation for Tamora Pierce on one of the weekend threads several months back got me back into reading fantasy and eventually making this list — so your posts resonate with me!

      2. UKDancer*

        I love Tamora Pierce. I grew up with Alanna and thought the books were brilliant as a teenager. I then rediscovered her in my late 20s and found she’d written other books so I started enjoying the other characters. I think I will always like Alanna the best though.

    10. Ashkela*

      I love that I went to the list and found every single person I wanted to recommend! I love when my favorites are uplifted. And I found some I didn’t know.

      I’ll say that Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey did a trilogy together (Elvenbane, Elvenborn, Elvenblood) before Norton passed. It was supposed to be a quadrology, but Lackey chose not to finish it alone. It does stand as a trilogy though.

      1. JustForThis*

        Oh, that is wonderful! And thank you for the bittersweet story about the co-authored trilogy. This sounds special, and I added it to the list.

    11. Boop*

      I noticed Sherwood Smith isn’t on this list – LOVE her Crown Duel duology. Great female characters, very light romance, some very complex worldbuilding.

    12. Anonymous Luddite*

      In addition to her more standard fantasy Grisha-verse series, Leigh Bardugo also wrote a (currently) stand alone urban fantasy called Ninth House which I adored.

      I’ll also add Erin Morganstern’s Starless Sea. It’s like Neil Gaiman and Charles deLint collaborated to write Myst.

  9. WithADeee*

    Hoping this is okay for the weekend thread, as it is really more family than work:

    My husband has been offered an amazing opportunity on the other side of the country, and we are going to pursue it. I will be staying put for now (with our 3 children – two teens and a pre-teen), as for various job and schooling related reasons it is best for us to wait 6-12 months before we follow him and set up new lives there.

    Has anyone done something like this before? I’m a touch daunted by the prospect of solo parenting whilst working full-time. There will be opportunities for my husband to visit home for a weekend/us to visit him around once every 4-6 weeks.

    What are things I should be thinking of, or trying to set up now, to give us the best chance of making it through this period without putting too much pressure on the family unit? I’ve got a few ideas but I’m particularly keen to hear from anyone who might have done this before.

    Thank you.

    1. Bagpuss*

      I don’t have personal experience but I think there was a thread a couple of weekends ago from someone who was going to be doing the same, but with an overseas post, which may be worth your checking out.

      I would suggest specifically that when he comes back you aim to build in some time for you as well as family time- if you are going to be parenting solo in between, then being able to leave the kids with him and have time for yourself could be really valuable, and it probably won’t happen if you don’t deliberately build it in.

      Also try to budget for some child care so you get some time ‘off’ during the times he is away.

      1. Elf*

        She said 2 teens and a pre-teen, she doesn’t need a child care budget to go out without them!
        That being said, definitely plan for both family time and couple time.
        You should also consider housework/chores while he’s gone BEFORE he goes, both for the two of you and your kids. If things were pretty well split between the two of you, now is a great time to get your children doing a solid share. Try to have the teaching/transition for that happen before he goes so you aren’t doing all the teaching and enforcement. (At a minimum, everyone should be doing their own laundry, making their own non-dinner meals, making at least one dinner a week, and cleaning their own space, plus either giving ownership of a household task like taking out trash or having a rotation for everyone on those tasks). Consider also hiring cleaning/landscaping to make your life easier. Consider who has been doing which paperwork tasks and consider having your husband pick up some more of those remotely.
        Be really clear about standards for chores (for example, what should the kitchen look like after they prepare food)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not a parent but I have done a lot of elder care. My go-to is to build a support network, these are friends/family who agree they will help in some manner. I remember a family member who made arrangements for one or two of her children to go with a relative for a weekend. It gave the kiddo and parent time out from each other and the relative got quality time with the kiddo. Teens can be a little tougher but if an adult does a Cool Activity, a teen might buy-in to a plan like this in order to go do Cool Activity with the trusted adult.

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      I was raised a Navy brat. What you describe is what I thought of as “normal.” From the kids’ perspective, they will adapt. They are plenty old to understand the situation and how it will resolve. From the Mom’s perspective, Navy wives acted as a support group. I didn’t really see this as a kid, but I came to understand it as an adult. I have no practical ideas on how to go about it, but any local support group you can cultivate would help.

      1. Pippa K*

        Also grew up a military brat. Even though that’s not your situation, OP, I wonder if it might help your kids to find it less stressful by contextualising it as “this unexpected but relatively common thing that lots of families do temporarily” – not to minimise the logistical and other burdens that come with it, just to frame it as mostly awkward and inconvenient. I agree with Richard that kids tend to do fine (but to be fair, military kids have the advantage that this is a fairly normal thing that happens to lots of people they know).

    4. BookMom*

      I stayed behind with the kids for several months on our last move. I’d recommend:

      PLAN some fun things to do when your husband is home, preferably with input from the kids, so the visits don’t just turn into cramming in home maintenance or dentist visits or other to-dos when he is home. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It could be as simple as catching up on episodes of a TV show you all like to watch together.

      Let friends help you with carpooling or whatever else you need. Of course you are a superhero but you don’t have to be all the time.

      Video chat instead of just voice call or text. There have been studies with deployed military parents that this is very helpful. (Don’t have the citation but I heard a wonderful CBC program (programme :) ) about it.

    5. Not A Manager*

      My advice is to bring the kids into the planning. When there are big life changes, teens in particular can really push back against top-down planning that “happens” to them as passive participants. Try to make a list of concrete issues that are going to arise (dad used to drive carpool, who will watch the pre-teen after school, everyone needs to help with meal prep, etc.), then sit down with the family to discuss possible solutions. Of course you will have a few backup plans in mind, but you might be surprised at how thoughtful and cooperative your children can be if you loop them in.

    6. so far, not the best day*

      How much parenting/homework help is your husband doing now, and how will that continue? If your kids do something serious, and you want to give a punishment, how will that work? Can you enforce it? How is your husband organizing to have one-on-one time with each kid, so he keeps up with their lives?

    7. University Schlep*

      Not across the country but a significant period where dh was working 16×7 so might as well have been. Literally only home to sleep and change clothes.

      If you have the budget, now would be a good time to work in a maid /yard service.

      Also if your kids do not already do the dinner prep, now is a good time. We started one of the meal kit services at the beginning of covid and kept it for about 9 months. The biggest benefit in that time was that the pictures and the instructions made it easy for my young teens to really follow and by the time we decided that we were finding it too repetitive, they were expert cooks. I started with them just doing all the prep work, I bought a bunch of little bowls and I would come home to mise en place and it made it so easy. Now even though we no longer use a meal service, I menu plan and shop grocery pickup and they do all weekday meal cooking.

      Keep the recipe cards of anything you really like, we have about a dozen recipes we regularly use now.

      Put effort into finding people you can swap rides with for kids activities. This was my hardest piece.

      1. HoundMom*

        I did this for three years. My kids were a bit younger and my husband was able to come home every weekend. I found he was lonelier than I was which was hard. He wanted to talk in the evening and I was busy with kids, dogs, house stuff.

        Have an honest conversation about that. It made a difference if we showed how happy we were when he came home.

        For my own sanity, I lowered my expectations about meals. Soup and bread one night a week sufficed.

        It is tough on both partners in different ways. Treat each with compassion as both of you will feel the distance in different ways.

    8. WithADeee*

      Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to give such thoughtful replies. I appreciate them all, but especially the reminder that I don’t have to be a superhero all the time (something that I’ve fallen prey to before!).

  10. Nora without an h*

    I keep seeing these videos where someone suddenly realizes that their hair is wavy, not straight, and start to embrace this with a lot of products. They usually say that their hair is wavy when it’s wet before they comb it out.
    Is this a thing? Is my hair secretly wavy because when I get out of the shower it’s messy and wavy? I thought that’s just how fine wet hair looks.
    When I dry it after combing it (gently), it’s straight. I love the luscious waves they create in these videos but I’m vary of even trying because they seem to put so much stuff in their hair.
    I know close to nothing about hair styling (as you can tell) so would love to hear your opinions and experiences.

    1. Batgirl*

      Embracing wavy hair is an off shoot of the curly girl movement. Most of modern hair care, and particularly what hairdressers do is aimed at straightening hair – stripping it with sulphate shampoos and smoothing it with silicone conditioners. It’s a spectrum of how much this applies to you. I have wavy hair and I use lo-poo, because no-poo still left my hair greasy, however full sulphates do dry me out and create frizz. Not having silicone was the big difference for me in not weighing down hair. My curl /wave pattern is very irregular so I need to braid it wet to give it shape. I use barely any product to avoid weighing down my hair. A pea size of kinky curly custard, or Umberto Gianni gel mixed with water.

    2. Batgirl*

      You say that you dry it? The drying method is pretty key for whether your hair dries straight or not. Blow driers create straight air flow, diffusers create curls. I air dry mine or use a hood.

      1. LemonLyman*

        +1! And to add to this, if you want to experiment with seeing if your hair is wavy, I suggest trying a curl cream. You can even buy sample sizes as most beauty stores (ie Ulta) or the hair/travel section of Target or Walmart. Wash your hair with shampoo and conditioner as normal and comb out your hair in the shower. After turning water off but before you get out (while hair is very wet) add curl cream into your hair. I add a decent amount. Use a clean cotton tshirt to scrunch it into your hair. Air dry or blow dry with a diffuser. If you use a diffuser, you need to commit to drying fully or it will frizz. Try not to fuss or touch your hair too much while drying or it will frizz or fall flat. Also, don’t brush/comb it once it starts drying!

    3. mreasy*

      My hair is wavy if I don’t comb/brush it and for me it’s all about the cut. I don’t comb, just run my fingers through, use one product only, and scrunch while it’s wet and air drying. I get really fantastic waves! But my hair is pretty short and I don’t think it would work beyond about collar length for me.

    4. La Donna*

      I think it’s less so a “marvel” and they already knew but never styled it that way. My hair is naturally wavy and the more product i put in the more wavy it is (after drying it with a diffuser).

      If I dried my hair like you did with a comb, it would be pretty straight but still have a bit of wave to it, especially at the ends.

      I don’t use a lot of products anymore because I’ve upgraded the type of products I use and it would be expensive to style my hair like that. I use this type of hair protectant spray and a volumizing mousse, the mousse is from Moroccan oil and the protector is from Alkali and it’s called unicorn milk (both smell divine).

      The key to wavy or curly hair is to never ever brush it when it’s wet, outside of when you shower (I brush mine when I was out the conditioner). I put the products in, scrunch my hair a bit, then let it air dry a little then go back and diffuse it dry.

      It’s waviest day 1, then I brush it day 2 and it’s wavy but less so, day 3 is a half up half down day and I wash my curtain bangs and style them.

    5. WellRed*

      I have fine wavy hair and yes, it’s straight if I blow it out. I feel like if you have wavy hair you’d know that? Does it have some natural bounce or is it stick straight? What happens when it air dries? What was it like as a kid? What does your stylist say? Wavy or straight, don’t pile on the products. Fine hair is so easily weighed down.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Agreed! I have fine, thick hair that is wavy in some places & straighter in others. If it air dries, it’s wavier, but product can really weigh it down, or make clean hair look greasy, etc.

    6. ecnaseener*

      What does it look like if you let it air dry without combing it? You should see some waviness there if your hair is wavy. (I don’t know if that’s sufficient for sculpting nice defined waves, I’ve never tried it, but it’s a minimum necessary condition.)

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yeah, I admit I’m a bit confused by this question but I say shower, comb it, gently scrunch it to towel-dry (technically the curly hair people will tell you no towels but to be honest I find them a bit tedious) and then leave it alone and watch what happens. Does the result have any wave at all, or is it stick straight. If there’s wave, you can say you have “wavy” hair if you like. If not, I think there’s lots of techniques to *cause* wave in naturally straight hair, with like, curlers, gel etc. So either way you can achieve this if you like!

    7. Tib*

      I had fine, very straight hair and then it became wavy/curly. I’m very lazy about my routine and how much product I use, but this does affect how much curl I get.

      The easiest way to start is with shampoo and conditioner. I like Ogx and Maui brands right now. I shampoo at the very beginning of my shower, put my conditioner on very wet hair and rinse it off at the very end. You could use a wide tooth comb in the shower to detangle and spread the conditioner through. Then dry your hair with a couple old tee shirts. Instead of rubbing your hair, scrunch the water out. Then let it air dry and see what you get. You can gradually add other curl products and techniques as you go.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Statistically, straight is the most common hair type. I agree that if your hair is wavy, you will see waves when it air dries and it will probably become wavier over time even if you dry it straight with a blow dryer (mine can become straight briefly but humidity or sweat and it’s wavy again).

    9. merope*

      I am going to go against some of the other commenters here about product. I have fine wavy hair. To get to the obviously wavy stage (as opposed to gently wavy or not quite straight), I typically use a leave-in conditioner plus two different gels. My hair is not weighed down or greasy, and you cannot tell by touching it that I have about 2 tablespoons of gel in it. It really depends on the formulation of the products, as I have used some that did make my hair limp and lifeless. However, I’d argue that application technique is equally important, especially no brushing/combing after conditioner/curl cream (it disturbs the waves) and being sure to scrunch in your product so it’s evenly distributed. It’s not hard, just different but it will take more time (I started doing this last summer, so I guess it’s my sourdough starter substitute). You say you’ve watched some videos, and I would recommend Swavy Curly Courtney. She has some good advice for beginners if you want to try out the techniques without spending $$$. Most importantly, have fun with it, if you can. Happy waving!

    10. Charlotte K*

      It’s going to depend on your hair type, curl pattern etc. Some people will find their hair is wavy this way, others won’t. If they’re having to do lots of styling and use lots of products to keep the waves, their hair is probably not actually that wavy. What does your hair look like when you let it dry naturally, without using heat or styling products? You could try the plop method, where you let it dry wrapped up in an old T-shirt (or similar) to enhance the natural curl, and see how it looks that way. The Naturally Curly website has a tutorial on how to do this.

    11. Swisa*

      In the pandemic I’m only of those people. My hair has always been prone to frizziness/poofiness. Using a hairdryer, like I’ve always done, makes it straight but poofy.

      I realized it’s because it has natural waviness. Air drying helped with this discovery. And using the conditioner kinky curly knot today (it’s a leave in but I rinse it out). And I’ve stopped brushing my hair, since that brushes out the wave and makes it poofy. Instead I comb it in the shower with conditioner.

      Once I figured out that part, I’ve added a few other steps (gel emulsified with water while the hair is soaking wet, and also using a continuous spray bottle with mostly water + a little bit of the conditioner to revive the waves on days I don’t wash my hair). And I’ve started getting my hair cut shoulder length and shorter, with layers, so the waves aren’t weighed down.

      But air drying and not brushing were probably the biggest things to start.

      1. Swisa*

        Oh and when combing in the shower, I use a wide tooth comb. And when I get out of the shower, I scrunch my hair a bit loosely using my towel, but then leave it alone. Messing with it too much (vigorously drying it with a towel), disrupts the waves.

    12. Overeducated*

      I’d be very interested in hearing how people with wavy *and thin* hair deal with it. My friends with true ringlet curly hair say stuff like “it must be so easy to have straight hair like yours!” And i respond “you’re either seeing it less than two inches long because it curls beyond that, or you’re seeing it blow-dried and heat-straightened.” I just have never figured out a way to let it dry wavy without looking super messy. When you see attractive pictures of people with wavy hair, it’s pretty much always very thick. I got an amazing haircut that helped once, but it was in another country and very expensive.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Ugh I have notably curly hair – yes it will make ringlets when it feels like it – but it’s thin (both the strands themselves are thin, and I don’t have that much overall). A lot of the classic curl suggestions don’t work well for me because product quickly overwhelms my hair, even though it’s dry as most curly hair is. Basically, it wants to be frizzy and poodle-y. I accept that it’s probably not my best feature what with the constant flyaways and the frizz and that most people with my hair would probably straighten it daily or use one of those permanent straightening treatments. It *can* look nice if I shower every morning and waste a lot of time mucking around with it, but I can’t be pressed to do so. But I prefer to just pull it back most of the time.

      2. cat socks*

        I have wavy and thin hair. When I let it air dry, it has a noticeable amount of wave but it’s also sort of flat and not smooth in some places. I usually blow dry it and then use a flat iron. Or I use the Revlon one step dryer. It’s a lot easier for me to straighten my hair then get it to look good wavy. I considered looking into the curly girl method, but I’m not interested enough to pursue it.

        My hair is long now, but I used to have short chin length hair. At that length I used a diffuser and I could coax better waves/curls out of it.

    13. Emily*

      I think that wavy hair is pretty common, but there’s a lot of variation in how wavy or curly people’s hair is. Especially if it’s fine-textured, the ways you wash, dry, and style it can have a lot of impact on how visible the waves are – some products may weigh them down, while others may help hold or define them. For me, humidity and environmental factors make a big difference too.

      I’ve known my hair wavy at least since puberty (even on days when it’s relatively straight, it will still fluff a little or curl at the ends). The surprise for me was how much curlier I could make it look by adopting parts of the curly girl method.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve got eastern European Jewish hair that if left uncombed when wet is lots of kinks and friz. I don’t want to put products on my hair or fuss with it, and what I’ve found works best is putting it into two braids when it’s wet until it dries. If I want wavy ringlets, I don’t comb it after I undo the braids. If I’m okay with it being more straight, I comb it out. I don’t own a hairbrush, just a wide-tooth comb.

      What I’ve also discovered is that my hair has a totally different personality in more humid climates than where I live in the San Francisco Bay Area which is relatively dry. I grew up in Michigan where I was obsessed with straightening out the friz as a teen. It was a revelation the first time I spent time in the desert and my hair was three inches longer and vertical instead of going sideways. But if I’m out in the rain or in the fog on the coast for a few hours, my hair is once again kinked up and sideways.

    15. Gnome*

      My hair won’t curl or wave without professional help. My daughter’s is wavy, but if I brush it out (especially when dry, for some reason) it is almost completely straight. It might be sheer volume… She has LOTs of hair and its long and rather thick… And the waves are mostly very loose.

  11. GingerSheep*

    Looking for Switch games recommendations ! My household consists of myself (F40) and my 8-year old daughter. We are both beginners in video games, and are looking for games we can play together that are not competitive – cooperative are best, but other two-player is fine as long as we are not pitched against each other.
    Indie games and/or cheap games welcome!
    We’ve LOVED Unravel 2, liked Untitled goose game (finished both games), and found both Overcooked and Moving Out tons of fun but quickly found ourselves blocked in our progression due to our general incompetence. Daughter likes Animal Crossing but I find it very boring. I also like point-and-clicks but have not find any that could accommodate two players.
    So, what would you suggest?

    1. Anima*

      Is Stardew Valley out on the switch? I need to look that up.
      I played solo at first and it was fun, but it’s so much more fun together. It sounds like animal crossing in the beginning, but Stardew Valley gets quite different after a short while.
      There is also a soft combat section in the mines which might be okay for an 8 year old, but I would avoid the lower levels at first. And stay clear from the skull cave, this thing is hard for casual players!

      1. Anima*

        It is available for switch!
        I think you both will enjoy a leveled up Animal Crossing that is Stardew Valley, you might want to become a miner and your daughter a farmer and together you can have a wonderful time!

      3. Sapphire (they/them)*

        Oh, Portal 2 has a co-op puzzle campaign and looks to be available for the Switch, that might be a good one!

      4. GingerSheep*

        I’d heard about Stardew valley and wasn’t much interested at first – it sounded too much like Animal Crossing to me (games that seem more like work than play! ;). But now I’ve read everybody’s recommendations I’m definitely going to give it a second look! Thanks!

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      Here are some hard games to play if you want to do a challenging platformer game—by nature they’ll require retries, but you might enjoy the kind of play and practice involved: Rayman Legends, Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze.

      Mario Odyssey is super fun; one person plays Mario and one person plays his hat!

        1. kmd*

          Rayman Legends is Fantastic! You won’t regret it!

          Kirby and Yoshi games are both usually really great gor cooperative vs competitive play. Or just standalone, when the daughter goex to bed. :)

    3. Zett*

      A super fun game is Death Squared. You have to cooperate and solve puzzles together. It can be very frustrating though! My husband and I can no longer play this game together (haha), but I LOVE to play it with my siblings when they come over.

    4. Holly the spa pro*

      Also recommending stardew valley! The co-op is fun because you can work on the same tasks or do your own things.

      Rogue heroes:ruins of tasos might be another option. It’s a Zelda like game that has co-op. It can be a but challenging but not unapproachable so.

      Don’t starve together is also really fun in co-op. It’s probably a little more challenging than the other two but it’s fun to experiment with different characters to see how far you can get. If you go into it knowing that you will die a lot and just try to get a little further every time, its fun to see how well you can do and working together makes it a little less stressful. High recommendation for playing as wendy if you decide to try it. I feel like she is most approachable for new players.

    5. Forensic13*

      They did a remaster of the Katamari Damacy, which I love. The premise is that you are a tiny alien that has to roll up increasingly large balls of stuff to replace the stars your dad accidentally destroyed. (It’s a VERY silly game.). You start by rolling up things like stationary and candy, and eventually progress to rolling up whole islands! It’s very fun.

    6. Raboot*

      The Lego adventure games would bw great for coop with a child – Lego Star Wars, Lego Harry Potter etc.

    7. GlowCloud*

      I really enjoyed Luigi’s Mansion 3 – it has 2-player puzzle-solving using Luigi’s gelatinous doppelganger, Gooigi, and is pretty easy to complete, while each level was varied enough to keep me amused.

      The LEGO games are also really good for Co-Op mode.
      I played LEGO DC Supervillains recently. Each level has a Story Mode, where you play through with just the characters you’re given, and then that unlocks a Free Play mode, where you can use different characters to solve more puzzles in the level, so you effectively get twice the play-time out of each level. There’s a ton of mini-games you can play to unlock extra characters and vehicles, and you can create your own custom characters, so there’s plenty of fun to be had.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      I’ve been enjoying Baba is You, but I don’t think that’s co-op (feels like it should be, though).

    9. SparklingBlue*

      If you want to try getting your feet wet in open world games, but find Zelda or Skyrim too intimidating, Pokemon Legends: Arceus fits the bill very nicely.

    10. ildrummer*

      “It takes two” is a fantastic cooperative game that my wife and I really enjoyed, and she isn’t a gamer. We played it on the Xbox but it may be available for the switch

    11. clover*

      Snipperclips is a very fun cooperative puzzle game. You play as pieces of paper who snip each other into different shapes to solve puzzles.

    13. GingerSheep*

      Thanks everyone for the recommendations ! There were so many I’ve stopped replying individually, but you’ve all given me many paths to explore, and I’ve just downloaded a whole bunch of demos. Daughter and I are going to have a great time trying them out this afternoon !

    14. MEH Squared*

      I’m late to the party per yooz, but I have two games to suggest. One is Spiritfarer, whose tagline is ‘A cozy management game about death’. You play as Stella, the titular spiritfarer who ferries people to the afterlife. You also gather resources and build things on your boat, plus loads of other things–and it’s hand-drown and gorgeous. It’s poignant and gentle, but I’m not sure if it’s age-appropriate for an eight-year old. There is candid talk about death, mental health issues, and many other issues, but it’s not graphic in any way. Stella has a cat, Daffodil, and that’s where the co-op comes in. You can play as Daffy (as I call him). I played it on PC, but it is on Switch. It’s one of my favorite games of all time.

      The other is Hades, which is a roguelike. It’s bright and colorful, and highly addictive. You play as Zagreus, the son of Hades, and you’re trying to escape your father’s realm. There are over 300,000 words of dialogue and all of it is great. There is so much to do and so many NPCs to talk to! It’s bright and colorful, and no grim material here. I also played this on PC, but it’s on Switch as well. This is also one of my favorite games, but there is no co-op.

      1. A Wayward Spirit*

        I was hoping to see Spiritfarer on here! I just bought the game yesterday and I’m having such a good time. I was looking for something along the same lines as Stardew Valley and it’s really scratching that itch for me! Another one that I just tried the demo for is Phogs, and I think that might be a good one for OP to try as well! It’s about a duo of dogs on a captivating, puzzle-filled adventure. Linked by a stretchy belly, you’ll need to bark, bite and bounce your way through obstacles set across the themed worlds of Food, Sleep and Play, in co-op or single-player. Forage through Food World, teeming with tasty treats. Copied from the Wiki in case I need to say that!

    16. Grilledcheeser*

      I love love LOVE “Sky: Children of Light”. The game is so lovely, the art is beautiful & the music so well made. You get to fly! (And run & skip & walk $ swim). So it’s you flying and coasting around beautiful worlds collecting candlelight and reliving memories of spirits past. You can play entirely solo or you can hold the hand of a friend and fly around together. Some doors and other things in the game will need more than one person but strangers help each other out all the time. There is no fighting, there is no war. There are some bad mean monsters about 75% of the way into the game, but all you do is try to avoid them. You don’t fight them – they can bean you if they spot you, & cause you to lose some candle light, but you can’t die, and you just go back & re-collect what you lost. The game is all about friendship, sharing, helping, having fun. Old-timers help newbies (“moths”) all the time. It is easy to start & play all by yourself.

  12. Loopy*

    I am in dire need of help! This is embarrassing, but I think I have a body odor problem. My husband has kindly but consistently told me when I smell (at my request) and I am at my wits end. I show daily with bar soap and use the strong version of Secret anti-perspirant, and don’t really engage in any heavy exercise. I also have good dental hygiene so I don’t think it’s a breath issue- and I just went to dentist yesterday without any mention of that. I do tend to bundle to the point of being warm indoors however.

    Right now I do not think it’s medical and am not looking for help identifying the cause here, but I am looking for products that really, truly work to eliminate body odor. Soaps, deodorants, anything. I’ve seen a lot of natural products out there and that’s great but right now, I am more concerned about an ASAP solution so I am open to whatever works. Especially as I will be traveling to stay with a friend in a small apartment in a few weeks and really don’t want this issue following me there.

    I also really like the idea of smelling nice once I get rid of the odor. I don’t want to layer scent on top of it, but welcome any product to enjoy a nice smell (lotions, maybe sprays that aren’t perfumes?) once the problem is solved. Fortunately I don’t work in an office where this would cause anyone issue :)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Make sure you are drinking plenty of water. Keep the kidneys and intestines clearing themselves out. The formula I use is I take my body weight, divide that number by 2, the resulting answer is the number of ounces of water I drink per day. If you are no where near close, work your way up slowly over a period of weeks.

      You might gain some traction by adding yogurt in to your diet on a regular basis.

      A few things to check:
      Sometimes clothes get musty because the closet they are stored in is musty.

      I read a story of a man who keep going to the doc for a body odor problem. It took quite a bit to figure it out- it was his RING. He never cleaned his jewelry that he wore all the time. Likewise, clean your glasses or anything else that you wear daily- hair accessories, anything.

      Another odd thing to check is your laundry detergent. Don’t pour in random amounts. Too much laundry detergent builds up and then all kinds of odd things happen. While we are on laundry check your washer and dryer to see if odd smells are coming from there.

      I prefer to use natural products but for deodorant I use Mitchem and I will not change that. I need something that works reliably for me.

      And this last one is a bit woo-woo but I tend to find some credibility to it. Body odor can be tied to a a lack of a sense of belonging, a sense of connectedness. If you are floundering in some way that could be a contributing factor. Floundering causes stress and guess what stress does? sigh. Take a look at your stress levels, are they UP when your husband cues you that a problem is going on?

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I don’t think it’s woo-woo, stress-sweat is absolutely a thing. I can totally smell the difference on myself and my husband between a normal day and a stressful day.
        But – while stress hormones do change your smell, it’s also worth considering what lifestyle changes may be accompanying that stress too. Eg: are you drinking more coffee to get through your day? More alcohol to unwind? More takeaway because you don’t have time to cook? That can also impact your BO.

      2. A Feast of Fools*

        Oh, man, I spent a few months last summer despairing because no matter how much I showered, washed my clothes (brand-new washer, delivered in May), washed my bath towels, etc., I smelled moldy / mildewy. It was the smell that, say, towels or clothing get when they’ve gotten soaking wet and left in a wad or inside a zipped and closed gym bag or laundry bag.

        It was my 14K byzantine-style bracelet!!

        I wore it all the time: mowing, gardening, washing dishes, taking a shower, sleeping. Sure, it got wet when I washed dishes and my hands, and when I showered, but I always toweled it dry.

        Yeah… no.

        The outside of the gold was dry but the inside of the twisted, interlocking links wasn’t.

        I ended up soaking it in a glass with dish soap, then scrubbing with a soft toothbrush, then using a hair dryer to fully dry it out. I had to go through 2 or 3 iterations of that to fully get the smell out (by finally killing all the smell-generating bacteria!).

        I no longer wear that bracelet 24/7. And, when I do wear it, I clean it thoroughly afterward with jewelry cleaner and a toothbrush, and bust out the hair dryer to fully dry it.

    2. Daisy Avalin*

      One thing that I know has been mentioned on previous posts about this issue is your washing machine – is your clothing/bedding the source of the smell or holding onto body odour after washing, rather than your body? Of course, get checked out by your doctor to make sure it’s not a medical issue, but maybe a washing machine clean might help, or a stronger washing powder? Maybe a medicated talc or similar, to use after washing, might help? Other than that, I’ve no advice, I’m afraid, but I hope you figure it out!

      1. WellRed*

        This us is what I was coming to say. Check your clothes. And just generally, I would probably NOT try the natural products route right now but I’m sure others will disagree.

        1. Generic Name*

          I used natural detergents for years. I decided to try tide, and I’m embarrassed to say my clothes are much cleaner now. The natural stuff just doesn’t work that great…

          1. Juneybug*

            I don’t usually have a smell but using a natural laundry soap caused me to start having more and more of a bad odor over time. It was gradual until one day, I couldn’t stand my smell (it was bad!). Asked others about it and honestly, I smelled like BO per close friends/relatives. They thought I had changed my meds, wasn’t bathing as often, etc. I had not changed anything other than my laundry soap.
            Once I went back to Gain laundry soap, my odor started disappearing. It took awhile to wash all of my clothes and linens (I would use them and then wash them with the Gain soap instead of the natural).
            I had never had anything like that happen before. It was strange.

      3. Wilde*

        Ooo yes to this! If you’re not already, starting doing laundry with warm/hot water also as this is much more effective at cleaning. Think of it like doing dishes – I don’t know anyone who washes their plates in cold water with just a tiny amount of detergent expecting them to get clean. But so many people do this with their laundry?

        Although, if it is your laundry routine, I’d expect your husband to be equally smelly. Good luck, I hope you find a solution asap!

        1. Wilde*

          And if you do think it could be laundry or the washing machine – a bit of diluted bleach will work wonders.

      4. MissCoco*

        Agreeing with this! My partner is naturally not as sweaty/smelly as me, and even with an identical laundry routine my clothes end up getting stinkier than his. Also I wear more synthetics, and they definitely hold on to odor a lot more aggressively than natural fibers like cotton.

        If you do notice armpit sweat (especially stress-related) I like to do a quarterly (or so) armpit deep cleaning of my clothes, especially base layers. A little dish soap and a small amount of hydrogen peroxide and baking soda to make a paste which I let sit 15-30 minutes before washing — this isn’t great for fabrics so I do it sparingly, but it keeps my underarms smelling clean.

        I also use prescription anti-perspirant in the winter when I need sweaters + layers to stay warm

    3. La Donna*

      I am a stinky pit person, always have been! I actually started scrubbing my armpits with a loofah or wash cloth for 20 seconds each and that helped WONDERS. Before, I would just lather with my hands. There are also some armpit masks you can buy that are made from clay that supposedly help pull some of the smell out.

      1. SofiaDeo*

        Try diluted apple cider vinegar directly on the armpits. I dampen a cotton ball, then add ACV. It has worked amazingly for me.

    4. Batgirl*

      We found Perspirex super effective. You put it on at night and only need to apply it every five days or so it’s that strong. It stings going on, but I have a sensitive skin condition and have been fine with it. My partner used to soak through his clothes and this stopped it entirely. I found it useful because I am outdoors a lot, so I am bundled up, but my job is moderately physical so sometimes I can’t get through the day on ordinary deodorant. One thing I will say is that if you’re fairly physical in warm clothing that the “clothes only need to be washed in low temperatures nowadays because of modern detergents” isn’t really true. It only applies to barely soiled clothes. I found I didn’t have body odor, I had clothes odor once the detergent fragrance wore off.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I use CertainDri, which sounds similar. I only apply it every few days but I rarely have to use regular deoderant. It’s more expensive per bottle but lasts for a really long time. There was an adjustment period where I found it extremely itchy but once that passed it helped tremendously with odor and amount of sweat.

        And clothes odor is definitely a thing! Fleece and workout clothes/”technical” material are the worst, but cotton t-shirts can also get unpleasant. I use unscented detergent generally but recently got an odor-controlling liquid (Oxyclean brand but there are multiple options) that you add to the detergent which has a mild scent and that seems to help. I’ve also done the vinegar soak for workout clothes and that helps. I think there are specific detergents for workout clothes that are supposed to help with odor control but I haven’t tried them.

    5. Anon scientist*

      In addition to the laundry: are you wearing natural fibers in your clothing? For me, nylon/rayon whatever really hold onto smells in a way that cotton doesn’t. I have naturally acrid sweat (thanks, Dad!) and if I’m having a particularly anxious/stressful day, my “flop sweat” is particularly stinky. Synthetic fibers will hold onto the smell through multiple washings. Finally, check the armpits of your clothing to see if you have deodorant residue – that will also make things work. You can Google “removing deodorant from clothing” for ideas.

      2. Cormorannt*

        Same! I switched to wearing mostly natural fibers near my skin. Also, try switching to powdered Tide detergent. If you have a front loader you can put it right in the drum with the clothes. It works much better than liquid detergent for getting smells out of synthetics – I had a rep for a sportswear company recommend it over the specials “sports” detergent. It’s cheap, too!

    6. And so it goes*

      Any chance you’re in perimenopause? Suddenly, I’m stinky! Menopause forums report this is just one of those hormonal joys. I now shower before AND after work, and keep an extra deodorant at work to reapply as needed.

    7. Daily reader, rare commenter*

      I know people who regularly use lemon or lime instead of anti-perspirant and swear by it. They rub the peel under their arms, but I’ve also heard of people who use the juice. I’ve tried the peel a couple of times and it seemed to work, but haven’t used on a regular basis.

    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Any possibility you could be experiencing a food intolerance of some kind? As an example, a friend of mine used to have a persistent B.O. issue until they identified a correlation between eating dairy and particularly eye-watering episodes of B.O. It was different than the usual, temporary kind of odor you get in your sweat after eating a lot of garlic. It was more constant and more unpleasant. Eliminating dairy pretty much got rid of it.

      1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        Seconded. I discovered as an adult that I had a food allergy. My personal ‘aura’ varied by the day, correlating roughly with the amount of that food I had eaten that day or the day before. My teenage years might have been less angsty had I known then!

    9. Armpit Anon*

      Does your Secret deodorant say “clear” or “invisible” on the label? I found that the Secret clear/invisible deodorants react strangely with my body and result in odor. At least in the stores near me there is just one remaining Secret deodorant variety that’s not marked clear or invisible, and that works for me.

    10. Claudette Anon*

      I can relate. I’ve been sweaty and self-conscious about odor since my teen years. Mitchum is the only product that works reliably well for me. It seems heavy duty, and I worry about long-term side effects, so I don’t use it daily. I save it for when I’ll be away from home and around other people. And I buy the unscented version because most perfumed products smell gross to me. For days I’m just at home, I use Native brand if I bother using anything. (In my experience, the “natural” brands don’t work reliably well.) I also shave my underarms and scrub them with a washcloth and soap and water (then rinse well) any time I catch a whiff of weirdness. In the hottest weather, I may do that twice a day. But I’m mostly home these days, and my husband doesn’t notice or care like I do. I really do feel for you; it’s an awful, pervasive worry that I may unknowingly stink and offend others. It helps a lot to take the steps I outlined above, and I can mostly relax.

    11. Tib*

      I have a pretty sensitive sense of smell and I can tell when my husband needs to change his bath towel. I can smell the sourness on his skin. But only from really close. It’s not something a stranger would be able to detect. Since you’ve tried so much already, I’d get really scientific. Take 2-3 days, journal everything that makes sense and have your husband report on your smell at regular intervals throughout the day. This could be key, because if he’s only telling you when he notices, there may be times he’s not telling you because he’s busy or forgets.

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Switch to a new deodorant. After a while your body gets used to the same brand/formula. I use Dove, myself. Nutrium or whatever they call it now. Started changing it up when it just stopped working.

      2. The Face*

        This and also switch up your body wash. Also, I found that using my shampoo on my pits every once in a while really removes the odor. I don’t know if it’s because it’s shampoo instead of my sensitive skin body wash, or if it’s just using something different to the usual, but it works. Temporarily.

      3. Quoth the Raven*

        I was going to say this! I just switched to a new deodorant because the one I was using wasn’t really working much anymore and it made a world of difference.

    13. Purt’s Peas*

      How bad is the issue? Husbands can put their noses a lot closer to one’s armpit than friends can.

      And—not expecting answers posted here, these are intimate questions—is it a sweaty smell or an old nasty smell? Does your husband like it at all? Beyond worrying about your stank cloud, do you kinda like it at all?

      This is all to say, if you’ve got a bit of added human musk for some reason, that isn’t truly bothering anyone but your own brain, try switching deodorant brand. And remember that sometimes humans do smell like humans! Even when you add perfume it’s intended to smell good alongside your natural scent; otherwise it won’t produce an overall good smell!

      If there’s some worse smell or much stronger smell, try wearing a new shirt made of natural fibers, without washing it in your machine first—is that any different? Maybe there’s some odor baked into your clothes, or maybe your washing machine is mildewed. Synthetic fibers really, really hold on to smells—I have some awful workout shirts around :)

      For your bundling up, if you bundle to the point of sweating indoors, that might be an issue, especially with synthetic fibers—not getting aired out!

    14. Siege*

      Check your detergent. My partner had this terrible odor periodically that it took ages to trace back to the detergent he was using at home. Turns out, my nose does not like most detergents (unsurprising, I have scent allergies) and this one, while technically unscented, was giving his clothes and body this weird, unpleasant funky smell on his skin that didn’t go away with showering and seemed to be organic because it smelled a lot like garlic and we don’t eat all meals together so it was plausible it was food. He’s switched to unscented Tide and his skin smells great now. I do occasionally get blasts of the old smell, and it’s always clothes he doesn’t wear much so hasn’t washed lately.

      He also switched to a cinnamon toothpaste because mint doesn’t smell good on him for some reason and my morning goodbye kiss was knocking me over. There’s just something about his body where mint isn’t okay, and it’s not personal preference; I have a long history of kissing people who use mint toothpaste and being fine. It’s something about him.

    15. Victoria, Please*

      I like Lume soap and their enzyme cleaner that will remove built up gunk on clothes. Fairly fast fix.

      Good advice from others about staying hydrated and scrubbing for 20 seconds, I am going to try those myself.

      1. Ampersand*

        I also suggest Lume. Their biofilm spray for clothes/laundry is amazing (it’s worked on every single item I’ve used it on, including years-old running shirts that I could never get completely clean, until now), and their soaps, deodorant, and lotions are great. I just stocked up on their products again recently. They’re worth a try—I’ve found that their products live up to the hype, and that’s rare.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      Totally agree with all Not So New Reader’s suggestions and will add another plug for Mitchum.
      Has your husband told you which part of you smells? That would be a good clue to have.
      Do you shave your armpits? If that’s the area that smells, it could help
      Also, do you take a probiotic? That could help if your gut is out of balance.
      Good luck!!

    17. A woman with smelly armpits*

      All great suggestions. A few more. If it’s coming from your underarms and perhaps permeating your clothes — put white vinegar on the underarms of your tee shirts after you wear them while they’re waiting for the wash. You might have to get rid of tops faster, too, sometimes the smell gets in there. Counterintuitively, I actually use natural deodorant — I love Native and they have a plastic free model too. I found with very perfume-y antiperspirants I had trouble smelling when I smelled bad (but others could) and the mixing with the hard core deodorant smelled worse than my sweat would. If you don’t shave your underarms, doing so can help.

      If it’s not coming from your underarms specifically (and even if it isn’t), I agree with the hydration and diet recs about avoiding onion/garlic– I’d add cumin to the list to avoid, too.

      If it’s not a typical body odor scent but more like a fishy scent — there is a medical condition: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/trimethylaminuria/

    18. fposte*

      Oh, that’s no fun; it’s good to have a spouse that will tell you, though.

      I agree that it’s worth having him check out different parts of you to see if he can get more specific about where; it might also be useful to try different times of the day. I definitely agree to check out your washing machine and bath towels. I’ll add to check your masks, if you’re out and wearing those, since I recently bought ones that fit like a dream and smell like fish.

      I would also consider enlisting a good friend for a second opinion. Some people are just supersmellers, and you may smell just fine to most of the world.

    19. Public Health Nerd*

      Great suggestions in this thread. I agree that it would help if you/your husband can narrow down what parts of your body are stinky when, that will help. I used to feel more stinky in my groin at the end of some work days and would have to come home, clean up my leg pits with baby wipes, and then change. Turns out the culprit was a combo of a weak pelvic floor (helped with yoga and panty liners) and non synthetic pants during the day most of the time. And some days, I wash up and change (gah, hot summer days).

    20. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      When my husband uses a scented deodorant, he ends up smelling really bad. Try an unscented deodorant (along with these other great ideas) arm and hammer has unscented deodorant.

    21. Piano Girl*

      I would suggest that you look at any medications that you take. Metformin makes me smell like a fish sometimes.
      I will often switch deodorants. For some reason, Secret will stop working, do I switch to Mitchum. When I switch back, everything seems to work better.

    22. Deodorant options*

      For me, heavy duty antiperspirants caused armpit buildup in my shirts that contributed to odor. I now use Certain Dri roll-on liquid *at night* a few times a week and some kind of natural deodorant (lavanila, megababe, whatever) during the day. For me, this keeps the antiperspirant on my armpits, not my shirt, and works better than daytime Secret or Mitchum ever did.

    23. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I would also suggest you get a second, third and fourth opinion from different people. If it’s only your husband that smells the odor, it might be a him problem…phantom smells from a nasal infection, neurological problem, psychosomatic…

    24. CatCat*

      The crystal deodorant works really well for me. I use the solid crystal. They sell a travel size too, which is handy for on the go. It’s not an anti-perspirant though if that’s important to you.

      As for scents for after you solve the issue, I don’t use a lot of scented products, but I love LOVE Origins “ginger souffle” body cream. It has a very pleasing light, fresh scent.

    25. Paris Geller*

      I sweat quite a bit–not to the point where it’s medical (I’ve talked to doctors about it), but just a little more than the average person. Here’s what I’ve found personally helps:

      1. Running a cotton pad with glycolic acid on it under my arms when I get out the shower
      2. Switching to an aerosol deodorant (hate that this works so well because I know they’re not good for the environment, but this is the 1 thing that has made a difference for me) I use degree but I’ve also found Mitchum works. Stay away from Secret and Dove.
      3. Putting some sort of body glide/drying cream under my breasts before I put on a bra–I’m a well-endowed woman and I definitely find the under breasts area can be a big sweat factory.
      4. Spraying my feet with a foot-odor spray (I like the ones with tea tree oil) and switching out my shoes since I normally wear flats.

    26. Malarkey01*

      Some great points on here. Do you smell after a shower? Do you smell when naked? Can you ask husband to pinpoint where exactly you smell (which embarrassing but having someone smell around you for stinky parts and doing mole checks is one of the prime reasons to get married!)? Try to see if he notices it when you are outside the house too since sometimes a musty smell in the house can make it seem like a person smells worse.

      One other culprit I didn’t see mentioned- how old is your mattress? They hold on to smells and skin and yuck and most people don’t replace them often enough.

      Shoes are another potential spot. You can try inserts and spray or try rotating them more to let them air out.

    27. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My problem was onions! Cooking them got into my hair, my skin, my clothes, the clothes in my closet, towels, furniture upholstery, EVERYTHING. And once I ate them, the smell was in my system for days: onion pee, onionpoo, onion perspiration. So see if there are any foods that make it worse.

    28. tangerineRose*

      When I feel stinky, I spritz myself with a mix of white vinegar and water, let it soak in for a minute or so, then wash with soap.

    29. Cardboard*

      Ok I don’t know if this is common knowledge but I only found out a few weeks ago that the most effective way to use anti perspirant is to put it on at night, right after a shower before bed. Doing this has completely changed my life lol. I never smell bad anymore!!!! Apparently it takes 6-8 hours for antiperspirant to absorb and block the sweat glands and it’s made to last 24 hours. So if you put it on in the morning it won’t have enough time to work, and also your glands sweat a tiny bit overnight which means you wake up already having Having some odor.

      1. Janne*

        Why would you recommend that?
        I would not take antibiotics if I wasn’t sure that I had a bacterial infection. Needlessly taking antibiotics contributes to bacterial resistance and it hurts the healthy bacteria that you have around (gut, vagina etc). You could even get infections caused by this, such as vaginal yeast infections or C. difficile infections in the gut — these are caused by the healthy bacteria being knocked out by antibiotics. If you need antibiotics to get rid of a disease, of course take them, but why take them if you don’t have a confirmed bacterial disease?

    31. Homebody*

      Passing along some tips that my dermatologist gave to me:
      – When you’re in the shower was your smelly areas with Panoxyl or another brand of face wash with 4% benoxyl peroxide. It will kill odor causing bacteria and usually get rid of the smell almost immediately.
      – Get rid of “natural” deodorants or anything with essential oils. Very popular from a marketing standpoint right now but they can cause irritation and make smells worse.
      – Wear loose fitting, cotton clothing.
      – If sweating/odor is new or worsening don’t be afraid to make an appointment with a PCP or a derm, who can help to determine if a medical issue is causing it.
      Hope this helps.

    32. Lady Danbury*

      Underarm BO is caused when your natural sweat mixes with bacteria. Both benzoyl peroxide (BP) and AHAs/BHAs help fight that bacteria. Before I shower, I apply a basic BP face wash like oxy clean under my arms and let it sit while I do any prep like brushing my teeth. Shower as usual (including using a poof or salux all over my body) and then when I get out I apply an AHA or BHA product (usually one of the ordinary’s products, you can experiment to see which works best for you) and let that sit while I apply lotion. Rub it in so that it’s dry and then dry my pits thoroughly before applying regular deodorant (works best on dry skin). I used to have issues with a slight funk clinging to my underarms even after washing and this has completely eliminated the issue.

      I would suggest starting with either BP or AHA/BHAs only a few days a week and gradually building up your skin’s tolerance.

    33. Sparking Stardust*

      Also wanted to add that I found out I have worse body odor on days that I drink caffeine or feel more stressed.

    34. Observer*

      Right now I do not think it’s medical and am not looking for help identifying the cause here, but I am looking for products that really, truly work to eliminate body odor.

      I hope someone suggests something that works for you, but what you want may not be possible. There are many situations where the odor cannot be masked or gotten rid of by products.

    35. Lasslisa*

      Check your clothes. See how they smell fresh out of the wash, but also, change them more often if you can – I remember a study looking at, basically, how bad did people smell in olden days, and frequency of washing was much less significant than frequency of changing their underclothes. (And for modern dress, anything except a coat is probably equivalently close to your body as their “underclothes”!)

      So if you’re re-wearing the same pants or long underwear or bras, try changing them more or at least giving a sniff test before you put anything back on.

    37. Loopy*

      I am amazed by the level of response I got here and really appreciate this community. Unfortunately I have a busy Sunday so I wont be able to reply to everyone, but I do have a sneaking suspicion now that clothes are playing a role in holding on to smells- and I wear a lot of synthetics/blends. Recently we’ve been also using off-brand, cheaper detergent which may also contribute. I am going to switch.

      I am going to also try some of the products and techniques suggested as it can’t hurt though I appreciate everyone helping me realize it may be beyond just that as a solution. I am open to trying various things. Off to do some shopping today to see what I can get started on!

      1. Anonie*

        Good luck with shopping. I exclusively wear natural fibers, avoid blended materials (I can’t stand pilling), and have no luck finding that at mainstream stores, like Loft, Target, H&M, Express, Madewell, Banana Republic, etc.

        If you’re at all looking for advice on natural fiber clothing… I’ve mentally transitioned myself to “investment” pieces and bit the bullet on buying expensive clothing but far, far less frequently. I’ve had great luck with Allbirds (they have clothing now), Sezane (material and quality are A+ – they are amazing with returns and have the BEST customer service I’ve ever experienced), Cuyana (they have a fantastic slim crewneck tee that is almost always out of stock), Everlane (their quality is hit and miss these days and tend to read the bad reviews before I buy anything), Alex Mill, St James clothing (French stripes), and sometimes J Crew.

        I use liquid detergent for sensitive clothing, wash on delicate cold, and hang dry everything. Nothing of mine goes in the dryer.

        1. moss*

          I’m obsessed with cashmere and silk and I buy my clothes at Poshmark. You can get great natural fiber clothing for not much money. Currently wearing a yak/wool cardigan from Barney’s New York that I got for $26.

    38. cityMouse*

      I use a deodorant called Element Botanicals, my favourite scent is Potion (a mild lemon vanilla). It’s a bit chalky but it works wonderfully! What I like is that I can still sweat BUT no stink. I find if I wear an antiperspirant, I stink within an hour, not sure why, body chemistry, maybe? So I suggest trying a “natural” deodorant. Another good one is Dom’s Deodorant. Tried and true, both of them. The key ingredients are zinc and baking soda in the Element. For me, it works very well, and I work in close contact with other humans. No one has complained yet!

  13. Invisible Fish*

    Looking for recommendations: the best noodles to use in homemade soup.

    Issue: noodles tried so far absorb too much of the stock, leaving it more of a casserole than noodle soup.

    Suggestions?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      What kind of soup? I use egg noodles in chicken/veggie soup (broth-based). Don’t cook your noodles in the soup– prepare separately and add later.

      1. Invisible Fish*

        Chicken noodle soup! My partner has decided he must master it… so I need him to hurry up and figure out how to keep those noodles from taking over the soup! ;)

    2. The Dogman*

      AvonLady Barksdale I thnk has hit on it…

      You need to prep the noodles first in plain water, then add to the soup once they have absorbed all (or almost all) the water they can.

      Else, as you have found out, you end up with soup flavoured noodles!

    3. Squidhead*

      We make the soup and the noodles in two separate pots and then combine them in the serving bowls. If we’re making soup that will last more than one day, we only make enough noodles for one day at a time.

    5. beach read*

      My Mom always made the chicken soup without the noodles and then when ready to eat she’d cook some fine egg noodles. She would cook them as she was reheating the soup.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I like whole wheat egg noodles and cook them in the soup rather than separately. However, I do find that they are more “thirsty” than the white-flour kind and can make the consistency too thick.

      I solve this by using less noodles, or a higher proportion of liquid in the soup, and only putting them in for the last 10-12 minutes.

      1. SnappinTerrapin*

        That’s the solution that occurred to me.

        But I’m too lazy to use two pans for one batch of soup.

    7. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I prefer orzos or dot noodles in soup, they get less soggy than flat or egg noodles. And agree with everyone else – cook and store the noodles separately, combine them in the bowl (hot soup will easily heat up cold noodles). You can boil the noodles in broth or salted water, strain them when cooked, and put a bit of oil or butter to prevent sticking.

  14. Bibliovore*

    I need distracting tv watching.
    What has worked
    Great pottery showdown , Mandolorian, Loki, the British version of Ghosts, After Life.
    I have Paramount plus, Disney, Hulu, Netflix and Prime.

    1. Chili pepper Attitude*

      Wheel of time, foundations.
      People love hate the sex and the city reboot, maybe watch so you know what all the love hate is about?

    2. Doctor is In*

      The Americans. Just got hooked. For lighter fare, Queer Eye. Those guys help out people in all aspects of their lives and it’s heartwarming.

    3. The Dogman*

      Yellowstone?

      Kevin Costner being a grumpy old man and rancher… lots of swearing and fair amount of violence involved so don’t watch if you don’t like that sort of thing… but if you liked the Mando you should be fine.

      I describe Yellowstone as “Dallas or Dynasty if it was cows instead of oil and action/drama instead of soap/cheese”.

    4. Swisa*

      Queer eye (Netflix) is like a warm hug. I love watching it when I need a pick me up.

      Great British bake off (Netflix) is similar to pottery throwdown, and is very cozy.

      I also love the Mindy Project (Hulu). I didn’t really find Mindy kaling’s character on the Office that funny, but I heard an interview with her and it made me want to watch her stuff. The Mindy Project is a comedy following her life in NYC as a single woman. Episode are short (20 minutes), and funny. After that, I’ve become a huge fan and watch whatever she puts out.

      1. Swisa*

        And I should say that the Mindy Project is all fictional! It’s just following a single woman character.

        1. Jen*

          I will say that (avoiding spoilers as much as I can) a certain character became very unlikable, probably because the actor became less available, and I really struggled with the show after that.

    5. Charlotte Lucas*

      Have you seen What We Do in the Shadows?

      I liked both the British & the American versions of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.

      1. Cj*

        I tried watching what we do in the shadows after a guy was telling me about it I have a lot in common with as far as what shows we enjoy. I can’t get into it at all

        I did start watching it from the beginning, so figuring out what is going on should not have been an issue. Do I just need to give it more time, or what?

        1. Nela*

          Eh, if it didn’t hook you from the start, I wouldn’t bother. You either dig that kind of humor or you don’t, I think. I liken it to Red Dwarf – it’s very silly, occasionally dirty or grim, and all the characters are barely competent. I like it, but it’s not for everyone.

          I second Dirk Gently, it’s weird as hell but I loved it.

    6. Jen*

      Book of Boba Fett basically turned into the Mandalorian the last couple episodes.

      Seconding Wheel of Time and Bake Off.

      Tossing out a random one: Mozart in the Jungle. Definitely had some flaws but a lot of great music and a lot of silly.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, seconding the Book of Boba Fett.

        Lots of Marvel shows on Disney+. Loki’s certainly my favorite of the ones I’ve seen, but I’ve also enjoyed WandaVision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, What If…?, and Hawkeye. My only gripe with Hawkeye is that we watched it too late, it’s very Christmas themed. Although if you don’t celebrate Christmas, it doesn’t really matter when you watch it.

    8. Charlotte Lucas*

      I know 2 different people who have used a similar question as an icebreaker at meetings. I think a lot of people are in the same boat.

      I use my local library’s recommended lists to find new things, too. But my household loves documentaries, so that makes a difference.

    9. fposte*

      Have you ever tried Letterkenny, Bibliovore? It’s on Hulu, and it’s like Aaron Sorkin wrote a comedy about young Canadian rural folks (they’re self-termed as “The Hicks”). It’s very sweary but, IMHO, delightfully inventive with it, and it’s the only show I’ve ever watched where I rejoice in scenes where people fistfight.

      Many Letterkenny fans also love Schitt’s Creek; I haven’t yet gotten into it (I’m told it can take a season to get into its groove).

      Oh, you should absolutely have a look at Joe Pera Talks with You. That is just the nicest, smartest, most gently paced show ever. It’s on Amazon, though you may need to purchase to watch; clips are available for free at adultswim dot com. As another upper Midwesterner, you might appreciate that it’s a small-town Yooper story.

      1. Aneurin*

        Seconding Joe Pera Talks With You, it’s such a sweet & good-hearted show. I saw Joe Pera described online as “the youngest-looking 90-year-old you’ve ever seen”, and it’s very true: gentle grandpa vibes all the way.

        1. fposte*

          It’s the Mister Rogers of comedies; it sounds sappy but it’s brilliant. I wasn’t sure where they could go with the third season but it’s just lovely.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Blown Away on Netflix: Competitive glass blowing. Similar to GBBO in the sense that it’s focused on the craft over the interpersonal dynamics.

      Welcome to Earth on Disney (Nat Geo): Really good exploration of interesting, extreme environments on Earth. For example the sound episode has free diving when studying whales, so there is no sound of the tank or bubbles to alarm the wildlife. Infrasound at the edge of a volcano. The sound of land tides, the Earth expanding and contracting in response to the moon.

      If you liked Leverage (which to me has some Loki vibe), I recommend Leverage Redemption on Amazon. If you never saw Leverage, I’d start with the original series (Amazon) and see if the first episodes resonate. (It’s one of those shows where a random episode I saw seemed silly, but when I later watched them in order and knew the characters and hit that episode again, a lot of stuff landed differently.)

    11. TV shows*

      Cat People on Netflix. I’ve watched 2 episodes of it and find it absolutely delightful and adorable. It’s about people who love cats and embrace their quirky selves to pursue their passions. I find it very uplifting plus the bonus of lots of cute cats. If you don’t like cats, maybe skip it then.

      Book of Boba Fett (agree with the other poster that the last 2 episodes were basically the Mandalorian).

      The Dragon Prince on Netflix if you enjoy anime.

      School of Chocolate on Netflix. I feel a bit conflicted about suggesting this one. I really enjoyed the creations on the show (way cool) but did not enjoy the very American reality TV presentation of the show (lots of bitchy interview monologues). I much prefer the style of the great British bake-off. But watching for the creations can be quite distracting.

    12. Let me dark and twisty*

      I’ve been watching Murderville on Netflix. If you haven’t heard about it, it’s a procedural comedy but the guest star isn’t given the script so they improvise everything. It has some funny bits, especially when the guest is trying not to break and laugh. The guest star is required to solve the murder at the end of each episode. Sometimes they’re right.

      It is more a screwball comedy than a serious procedural. If you like improvised sketch comedy, this might work. Episodes are about 30-40 minutes.

    13. Double A*

      I went into The Umbrella Academy (on Netflix) with no expectations and was completely hooked. It’s got some of the most incredible art directions I’ve ever seen in a TV show; I literally couldn’t look away. If you’re in the mood for a comic book series, it’s great. And I think of you liked Loki it’d be up your alley.

    14. Melody Pond*

      The Expanse!!! On Amazon Prime. It’s got a really compelling and interesting story, fantastic characters (several well-developed female characters in particular), and it’s one of the most realistic-science sci-fi shows out there. I can’t recommend it enough. The 6th and final season just wrapped up in January 2021, so the entire series is available.

      We’ve introduced several people to it, and I will caution you, they always have a hard time with the first 1-2 episodes. The first episode in particular throws a lot of people and a lot of political background at you, and doesn’t make it as clear as it could be, who are the main characters you need to care about. But the show figures out how to do its storytelling within a couple episodes, and it’s really, really good.

      It will help a lot if you watch this ten-minute youtube video before starting the first episode, for a deeper explanation of the worlds, and who the main characters are (there are no spoilers in the video). And of course you can always come back to it whenever you need a reminder.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNjrI0YvZYA

      But I always recommend – stick with it through the 4th episode of season 1 before you decide it’s not for you. The 4th episode has the first battle between spaceships, and it’s something that the show and the writers do extremely well. My husband was in the navy, and explained to me how all of the three primary types of weapons work (missiles, PDCs, and rail guns), and how they are weapons we either have today in the navy, or are currently developing.

      Everyone we’ve introduced to the show gets really into it by the 4th episode, and now we’ve got several new #ScreaminFirehawks (the name for Expanse fans on Twitter) in our social circle. :)

      1. Melody Pond*

        Whoops, I meant the final season wrapped up in January 2022. I can’t keep up with new year changes. >.<

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Warning, I walked in on one episode and right out — infectious disease plot line was just too close to home.

    15. The New Wanderer*

      I’m rewatching Monk on Prime – I watched the original run on TV years ago and have been enjoying it again.
      Seconding The Expanse (Prime) , although it helps to have read the book series (explains a LOT of the background and while there are minor* changes in the plot/characters it’s pretty faithful). *usually minor!

      On Netflix, Schitt’s Creek, Good Place, Arrested Development, Kim’s Convenience and Grace and Frankie – good comedies with multiple seasons. Blacklist was pretty engaging for a typical action/drama show, same with Lucifer.

    16. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Cooking show competitions are popular in my household, especially Master Chef (and Master Chef Junior), Worst Cooks in America, Beat Bobby Flay, Chopped, and Iron Chef.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin*

      The ’70s British comedy “Are You Being Served?” is still very funny all these years later! You can find a lot of episodes on YouTube.

    19. SofiaDeo*

      I’ve been bingeing Castle on Hulu. Also downloaded Pluto TV (free, but commercials and some dead time) and am bingeing various channels on there, especially Britbox Mysteries.

    20. Excited Law Student*

      Don’t know if you have already watched these, as they are older, but my favorite distracting TV shows are Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Brooklyn 99!

    21. Cj*

      The British version of Being Human. I first saw it on the BBC channel of DirecTV, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it available on Hulu or prime also.

      There is more recent us. version, maybe it is okay also, but after seeing the British version it was just too different and I couldn’t get into it.

    22. the cat's ass*

      Have really enjoyed The Mandalorian/Book of Boba Fett
      yet another call out for Ted Lasso, too.

    24. Spearmint*

      Lucifer is great. It’s a good mix of comedy and drama, and has weird (in a good way) characters. Interesting worldbuilding as well.

    25. sequined histories*

      One of the highlights of my pandemic has been watching Merlin on Amazon Prime. It does end with the death of Arthur, as per the source material, so if that feels like too much, don’t watch season 5–not that I would have missed it for the world

  15. Let me be dark and twisty*

    Did anyone else watched the Olympics Opening Ceremony yesterday? Any thoughts about it?

    I didn’t like all the high-tech graphics that they used. Maybe I’m old-school but I felt like the graphics and all the technology was more to impress for the audience at home watching on TV rather than for the people who were actually there or about the games, as I spent more time wondering what the people in the arena were seeing. Or maybe it was just NBC and the decisions they made to streamline the ceremony for prime time broadcast that made it seem so techy and the livestream from earlier yesterday morning when the ceremony was actually happening would’ve been better.

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Not watching the Olympics as a protest due to the human rights abuses that occur in China.

    2. The Dogman*

      The Olympics opened yesterday?

      Missed that entirely, odd cos even a “no” news person like me usually hears that sort of thing is happening…

      I do find it hard to care about the Olympics since it is so clearly a corporate cash grab event now, all about the branding and sponsorship really, and I hate that professional athletes can go “amateur” for the duration and then back to professional immediately after, makes a mockery of the whole “amateur” concept anyway.

      We should just pay the athletes to compete at the Olympics, since the corporations are making out like bandits the ones who do the actual worthwhile work should be getting paid.

      1. allathian*

        The whole amateur concept is a mockery already. There’s no way amateur athletes could compete against the top pros in most sports, and it’s the top names who are the crowd pullers. The whole amateur sport concept is elitist in the extreme, because to be able to succeed, you need to train pretty much full time, and that requires sponsorship (corporate or government).

        The IOC isn’t paying the athletes, but successful athletes will get bonuses from their sponsors for any medals they win.

        That said, the IOC is corrupt, just like FIFA, and the rest. I’m really tired of them giving big championships to countries like China or Qatar, with their poor human rights records, but I’m not blaming the athletes for that.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          To be able to succeed, you need to train pretty much full time, and that requires sponsorship (corporate or government).
          Or independent wealth. A games of trust funders.

        2. The Dogman*

          Quite correct, the pretense is what bothers me.

          The athletes are making billions in profit for the corporations, the athletes should be getting paid millions in compensation for their time and efforts, and they should all be “professionals” in that sense.

          Same with the USA’s “college slave” sports like baseball, basketball and handegg.

          Getting billions in earnings with zero in out going pay to the teenagers and young people who do all the work and take all the risks is immoral.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        The Olympics aren’t just for amateurs and haven’t been for a long time. Per a quick google the word amateurs was removed from the Olympic charter in 1971 and in 1986, professional athletes were given permission by the International Federation to compete in each sport of the Olympic Games.

        For example I know off the top of my head, Shawn White is a professional snowboarder and makes his entire living from snowboarding completions and related endorsement.

        And also the men’s basketball and hockey team (usual) are full of top tier professionals and have been for quite some time. The NBA and NHL (usually) take a break do their players can play.

        Feel free to be mad that the Olympics changed their rules but nobody is claiming all the athletes are amateurs and they haven’t been for over 30 years.

        It takes full time training to be at the top of your sport in the world. The only athletes not being paid for their sports are in sports that don’t make enough money to live on.

    3. Dog and cat fosterer*

      It’s a pandemic thing. There is effectively no audience in the stadiums, and they didn’t want piles of people in close proximity as performers.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Was going to say, the pandemic would seem to dictate an opening ceremony aimed at television viewers and not live, close-packed audience members.

      2. Let me be dark and twisty*

        This is where I settled with my final decision during my armchair quarterbacking of the night. I did realize there was definitely a ton of limitations in place by the pandemic (and also the fact that it’s winter and verry cold out) so I’m curious what the team would have done had it been “regular times” or the ceremony completely indoors. I imagine it would be more like in 2008.

        But it still felt strange to me, like it missed the mark and was underwhelming. I blame NBC for that, personally. There was a lot they cut out from the prime time broadcast.

    4. WellRed*

      It’s a tremendous accomplishment for the athletes of course, but I feel like the Olympics are waning or should be. Corporate hoo hah, countries spending billions to host.

      1. WellRed*

        And like Dogman points out, letting the pros compete? When the us basketball team was basically a lineup of NBA all stars is when I lost what minuscule interest I had. The Grateful Dead donating team shirts for a team from a poor country? That’s the spirit.

    5. Victoria, Please*

      I am hoping not to watch the Olympics at all, I’m tired of them. No high minded protest, although yay for those who are skipping for that reason. I’m just annoyed by them every two years. I live in LA and I think I may have to take a long trip somewhere else in 2028.

    7. Elle Woods*

      I had it on in prime-time last night mostly as background noise. I’m sure NBC cut a great deal from the actual ceremony so they could fit it in in 3 hours with commercials. The whole thing was really underwhelming. Cool graphics, that’s about it. The music choices they played during the parade of nations were strange (Pomp & Circumstance? ballet tunes?). The biggest oddity to me was the final Olympic flame. No cauldron? Just a torch? Weird, IMO.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I also was very “meh” with the opening ceremonies.
      My favorite opening ceremonies recently was Rio’s in 2016 – it was so low tech compared to other opening ceremonies, but everyone participating just looked so happy to be putting on a show.
      But I’m excited to see many of the events and hear the Olympic stories, particularly the obscure ones.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Just wanted to add one of my favorite Olympic-related things this year: the “Jurassic World: Dominion” ads featuring CGI dinosaurs wandering onto the ski runs or peering at skateboarders at the top of their loops. Makes no logical sense at all, of course, and the movie doesn’t even come out until summer, but I get a kick out of seeing the athletes reacting to their surprise visitors.

    11. matcha123*

      It reminded me of the Tokyo Games this past summer. The way the volunteers waved and jumped to greet the entering countries; Bach’s attempts to use Chinese; use of technology on the stadium floor to create a 3D-like experience.
      I noticed the men standing behind Bach during his speech were doing their best to keep a smile on their faces.

  16. Lizy*

    Anyone else just wanting to know when the Jamaican bobsled team competes? Because let’s be honest – that’s the only thing that matters.

  17. Anon…*

    My toddler tested positive for COVID yesterday. We are so safe. The only indoor public places we go are Walmart and the grocery store. In the last two weeks, his only close contacts have been his daycare provider who is vaccinated and boosted, her toddler which was just tested 10 days ago because he got exposed he was negative), and two other toddlers both who had COVID within the last 60 days.

    He must have gotten it either in Walmart or the grocery store. He wears a surgical style mask (KN95s are too big for him). However, most people in my area don’t wear masks. I am so pissed. My family hasn’t met my son in person because I didn’t think the risk was worth traveling internationally. I haven’t eaten in a restaurant in over 2 years. We have made so many sacrifices, only for him to catch COVID, because someone else couldn’t be bothered to wear a mask in a store.

    1. Jen*

      Don’t beat yourself up, Omicron is crazy contagious. My kid’s daycare has strict protocols and had no cases for over a year then omicron hit and every single class has had a case (no apparent transmission actually at school).

      1. Anon…*

        I feel absolutely horrible that it’s spread in his daycare. I mean the only silver lining is that are all getting it over together so hopefully (and so far symptoms are mild), we won’t need to close again. My daycare provider is vaccinated and boosted as is her husband and the other parents, so it’s really just our kids that don’t have protection.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        I agree. I have been superdupercareful over the last two years also and basically under self-lockdown again since this Thanksgiving, and STILL apparently got Omicron from spending two minutes getting the mail in my building wearing an N95. It is very frustrating, and I do believe it is because my @#$@#$ neighbors will not wear their masks in our shared public spaces.

        I hope your kid is doing well, and please don’t blame yourself — you were trying to be as responsible as you could in a situation where people were being incredibly selfish and not looking out for others’ health.

        P.S. I think I’ve read that they do have child-size KF94s if that would help.

    2. Overeducated*

      I’m so sorry. Toddler parents stand with you in rage. I hope it’s very mild and out of your household ASAP.

      1. Jen*

        I’m a mom to a preschooler and I’m just so tired. Like the moms earlier this week I’ve had to burn leave for daycare closures and sicknesses.

        I 100% support the measures but my kid getting excluded and requiring a COVID test for any cold symptoms is really hard. I had to be on hold with my kid’s pediatrician for close to two hours just to make an appointment and then wait for the test. Other clinics simply had no spots.

        The system is totally overwhelmed too. When my kid had a more urgent issue (ear infection) we struggled to find anyone that had appointments and eventually just begged a favor from a friend of a friend who is a pediatrician because otherwise we were looking at the ER just to get his ears looked at.

        I’ve heard the 6 months-5 vaccine might be here soon and here’s hoping that it’s effective.

        1. Anon…*

          I mean part of why my son ended up spreading it in daycare was that he had a cough. A cough that was intermittent and primarily when he was napping and shortly after his nap. I couldn’t take off work for an intermittent cough. And, my daycare lady wasn’t going to send him home over an intermittent cough.

          The only reason I even got him tested was because there was a second symptom thwt popped up, an I had to insistent on getting him tested.

      2. Anon…*

        Thanks. He has also infected my pregnant daycare provider and her 1 year old as well. So far my son and my daycare lady only have mild symptoms and my daycares one year old is symptom free. I’m praying everyone stays that way, and that if I’m going to test positive that I test positive soon.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Does it help to think that by being careful, you managed to keep him safe long enough that there are vaccines, and Omicron is sometimes less serious than previous versions of the virus? At least the symptoms are mild. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry. Honestly, this virus is so contagious. I have one friend group who is older (70’s plus) and they are all vaccinated and boostered and every.single.one.of.them has gotten omicron. They’re all fine but it’s so interesting that they all caught it this year and not last year when they all weren’t vaccinated yet.
      My husband and I got it last year before we were eligible for the vaccine and we have NO idea where we got it.
      I hope your little guy is OK!

      1. Jen*

        The reason everyone got it this year is the new variant is exponentially more transmissible than the variant circulating a year ago. We’re really lucky this more contagious version wasn’t around before the vaccine as a lot more people might have died. The vaccine doesn’t seem to prevent people from nevessarily getting omicron but it does appear to be very effective in keeping them out of the hospital and dying.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Also incredibly fortunate that the far more contagious variant has milder symptoms, rather than worse symptoms. That didn’t have to be true.

      2. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I recently had it and I’m fully faxed and boosted and wear masks. I’m just glad it was mild.

    4. Jules the First*

      Oh honey, I feel you. My little (6mo) and I got Omicron on new year’s day at a gathering where everyone attending was double jabbed and boostered. Everyone (bar my sister) also got sick, though we were sickest and honestly it was not nearly as bad as the daycare lurgy we currently have. (Silver lining: once you guys recover, you should have a short period of full immunity, so that would be a great time to book a trip to visit the grandparents…)

      1. New car blues*

        That’s because the vaccines likely do not do much to prevent spread but rather a hospitalization and death (per CDC). Let’s hope we are near end. Hang on!

      2. Anon…*

        Sadly, grandparents are in Europe and I am now out of any time off to see them. I suspect I won’t have enough to go until 2023 or even 2024.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Lurgy, a great word. We have had several bouts of random lurgy, and having to go get tests is so disruptive. For a while there, you had to go in person to an urgent care to sign up, and then come back to wait when your slot was close, and still wait 3 hours to be seen. Burned a whole day when you just wanted to be in bed.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I am sorry your little guy is sick and hope he’s better soon.

      If it makes you feel any better, millions more people than we even realize have caught it, despite taking all precautions, because there are so many asymptomatic cases.

      When there’s community spread, unless everyone is constantly being tested every day, you have to assume that a lot of people are unwittingly walking around with it. He could have caught it from someone who *was* wearing a mask. Unless you were being tested constantly, he may have caught it from you, and you could have cleared it before he tested positive. It’s so unpredictable!

      We are all going to catch it eventually. Fortunately, the vaccinations have turned the odds in our favor.

    6. And so it goes*

      I’m so sorry. I understand the rage. I tested positive last month, even though I’m vaccinated, boosted, and never go anywhere without a mask (surgical or better.) I missed about 2 weeks of work, and feel so lucky I have enough PTO that it’s do-able. Hope your little one recovers quickly and uneventfully.

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      It’s just as likely that one of the other toddlers had delta in the last 60 days and now has omicron.

    9. pcake*

      All my friends and their families are vaxxed and boosted, but in the last 5 weeks, many of them have tested positive – more than during the entire rest of the pandemic – Omicron is that much more contageous. Your child could have gotten it from daycare from someone asymptomatic, and absolutely could have gotten it at Walmart or the grocery store.

      For future reference, there are some KN94 masks at Amazon that are more fitted than a surgical mask and available in a child size.

      Btw, tests are less effective with Omicron. One of my friends tested 4 times before getting a positive, and several tested more than once, and all were positive.

  18. Overeducated*

    Any advice on living with and getting past regret? I made a bad career decision a couple years ago, and now the consequences are starting to become much clearer, and it’s absolutely staggering me how much better off I could be not just now, but in the long term, had I made the other choice. (Trust that I’m not comparing to a hypothetical.) This will impact my career for years at a minimum, or the whole shebang, but I don’t want to feel this upset for years. How do you live peacefully with bad decisions as they shape your life?

    (Posting on this thread because I think it’s a feelings question, not a work advice question, but sorry if I misjudged!)

    1. Victoria, Please*

      Since it was only a couple of years ago, is there any chance of a reboot? I have a similar regret and the reason is that it simply never occurred to me to try again (at the time. Many many years ago).

      If there is no chance, then counseling. Also know that you are not alone in making major mistakes, it’s just that this one had perhaps more tangible consequences than some people’s.

    2. Sooda Nym*

      I have a few things that help in these circumstances:
      1. You can’t ever truly know how that other situation would have worked out. Maybe you would have been hit by the proverbial bus on your way to/from work or school had you made the other choice. You just don’t know. Or maybe there is something unexpectedly good waiting for you down the road you are on now, and you just don’t see it yet. You just don’t know.
      2. We often fail to give ourselves credit for the good choices we did make. Take a little time and think about times you made a good decision that has made your life better. One single decision is not the story of a whole life.
      3. In the words of Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better.” You did the best you could at the time, that’s all you can do. But, that also means your job is to do your best now, and spending time mired in regret is not doing the best you know.
      4. Take time to “grieve” what it is you feel you’ve lost. Telling yourself you shouldn’t feel like this isn’t going to make yourself not feel it. You’ll end up piling guilt on top, and that just doesn’t help. Acknowledging that it sucks, and you have a right to feel bad about it for a while, and then working through those feelings can be really helpful.

    3. Sloan Kittering*

      So, I don’t know if this will help, but two things: 1) if you made the best decision you could with the info you had, you can work to forgive yourself for making the so-called “wrong” choice, Picard style (“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”). There are many circumstances where luck plays a greater role than good decision making, so I make a point of noting them as I go through my day. Even in something dumb as wordel, I’ll try to note: oh, I played the word “Frame” and won, but “Shame” would have also fit the facts and if I’d played it instead, I would have lost. Would I have been a “worse” player in the latter case? No, it was arbitrary. So now I’m proud of myself for winning, but it was also still arbitrary. (No spoilers here – frame was not the winning word – and sorry if wordel is not a good example for you but it applies to anything). 2) I try to be proud of myself for risk-taking. It is easy to stay in the same old same old and muddle through without taking any risks. But you limit what is possible by doing so. Even though risks by their very nature imply that you may be unsuccessful – see point number one.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I like the wordle example–once I had the last four letters by midway, but there are more than six English words that end with those four letters and I didn’t guess the right one.

        Living with regret: I really agree with what people are saying about knowing what you knew at the time, and also being the person you were at the time. We change, right answers for us change. Try to forgive yourself for not being now-you two years ago.

        Wrestling with regret: Is this a broad character trait, like you took the cautious root and you always take the cautious root and then frequently have regrets and so you’re mad at current self? If this is really drowning you because it feels like the most serious in a string of similar bad choices, I’d suggest therapy to try and identify and break patterns.

    4. Generic Name*

      I’ve been talking to my teenage son about making mistakes and moving on from them, and I think this fits with dealing with past regret. We make decisions based on the information we have at the time we make them. We normally make choices with good intentions (most of us). And then we get more information and we learn and grow. Hindsight is 20:20 as they say. As the great Maya Angelou told us, “When you know better you do better”. Don’t beat yourself up for making a “wrong” choice.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      First, do all you can to change your future.
      Second, since this is bothering you 2 years later, please consider going to a therapist – temporarily, just to fix this one issue. They have many techniques for this. You’ll need to experiment to find the one that works for you. One technique I tried was to write my regrets on a piece of paper and burn it. That didn’t work. So before I turned into a raging arsonist, I quit that one and tried the next technique: imagining the issue was a balloon and watching it disappear into the vast cosmos. That one worked for me. You might need a different technique.
      Hope you find peace on this issue soon.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      1) Look around with fresh eyes. What opportunities do you have here that you would not have if you took The Other Road? This is an on-going exercise that gives your mind something to do other than beat the heck out of you annnd it could work into some advantages for you in current time.

      2)The friend rule. If you can’t say it to a friend, then you can’t say it to yourself either. Here’s the tricky part, no one is going to police you on this. Either you do it or you don’t. However, your negative self-talk WILL become apparent to others over the long haul. When I supervised, employees who cheered themselves on did much better than employees who beat themselves up. And so it goes in life. Be a good friend to you.

      3) Trust that you are where you are supposed to be. I hope you smile knowingly: So years ago, I was standing here as a young widow, with a stack of medical bills, a mortgage and an elderly dog and NO job. (The thing that concerned me the most was the dog. The innocence of animals and children, right?) If someone said, trust that I am where I am supposed to be, I probably would have slapped them. I did decide that nature abhors a vacuum.
      I decided that if I made an attempt, my life would fill up again but this time with different things.
      Trust that where you are needed most in this world will become apparent shortly. Look for the day where you catch yourself saying, “Gee, if I had taken the Other Road, I would not have X or Y right now!”
      Our lives fill up, maybe not in the way we planned but that is not the same as saying we won’t have a rich and full life. This one is a function of time and not a quick answer.

      4) Forgive you. I seen it written that we cannot truly learn to forgive others until we forgive ourselves. This one may involve a few sessions with a counselor. Or it may involve a good hard cry. The real truth is not many of us get through this life without having one or more serious regrets. This ties right into my 5th point.

      5)Part of your own treatment plan here may include outlining how to make decisions that you are less apt to regret later. This one sent me down a rabbit hole. How do we decide things? There’s the idea of making a list of pro and cons, that some attribute to Ben Franklin. This is very time consuming and how do you know when you are done???? An article caught my eye that was about making decisions in a fast paced world. Under this method we are supposed to find one Very Strong reason for doing./not doing something. I like this method a lot. And I feel good about decisions made under this method, because when I hit that very strong reason it usually jabs me between the eyes and I say “ah-ha! This is my solution!”

      6) Now this one actually annoys me. My mother used to say that most of life is an illusion. Unfortunately we react to what we THINK we see and what we THINK things are. We react to our perception of what is going on and sometimes (most times) there is more to the story or we have the wrong story entirely. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Look over your setting with eyes wide open. Did you really mess up? Did you really mess up as bad as you think? If you can find trustworthy and objective minded people to talk this over with, it might be worth your investment of time. Sometimes our biggest hurdles exist only in our minds, the real life hurdles are actually smaller. Don’t wait another ten years to find out that you missed key points about this situation right now.

      I wish you the best on this. Once I churned through some of this stuff I found that subsequent mistakes were not so gut-wrenching and heart-wrenching to me. I realized I survived Old Thing X and I would probably survive New Thing Y, also.

    7. ODM*

      I thought I’d offer a different perspective than the other commenters, in case it’s helpful to you or anyone else. My default response to feelings of regret or perceived mistakes is to try to argue with negative thoughts, analyze past decisions, and plan better actions. This response turned into a kind of struggle that made me feel worse, and more and more drained as time went on. I’ve recently found the approach of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helpful, which recommends acknowledging and working to set aside negative thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to disprove or replace them.

      If that sounds at all relevant to you (and it may not!), The Happiness Trap is an introduction to ACT that my therapist recommended. I should mention that it’s mindfulness-based, but I’m not at all New Age-y (or one for self-help books usually), I just found it useful.

      1. Still*

        Yeah, I feel like when it comes to regrets, it’s really hard to try to feel differently about them, it never feels good trying to reason with myself.

        These days I just say to myself: yep, that’s a thing that happened, I regret it, I’m sad and ashamed about it, it sucks. And somehow my brain seems to accept that that’s all the acknowledgement it needs to move on to other topics.

    9. small town*

      If you have a moment, Google up the Cherly Strayed as Dear Sugar column called the Ghost Ship. It is about making choices and possible loss, beautifully written.

    10. A Feast of Fools*

      I am 55 and have only $75K in retirement savings.

      Had I made other choices in my life, I would have 10-20 times that amount.

      But I made the best choices I could at the time with (1) the information I had, and (2) who I was at the time. The things 55-Year Old Me can step up and do are things that caused 25-Year Old Me to crumple into a useless lump of chronic depression.

      If I could have stepped up and made (and sustained) 55-Year Old Me decisions, I would have. But I was literally doing the best I could do at the time, and I have trouble faulting myself for that. [I mean, I still have the occasional 2:00 AM panic wakeup where I suddenly regret, deeply, everything I’ve ever done “wrong”, but that’s not my day-to-day way of thinking.]

    11. Public Sector Manager*

      The thing to remember is that the future is never static. Early in my 20’s, I made a couple of really bad decisions, both personally (financial and romantically) and professionally. Much like you, I felt that there was no way I could ever recover and I had doomed myself to a certain life. I spent about 4 years saying “if I had only done this differently, I’d be happier, richer, more fulfilled, etc.”

      What changed? Things I never could have anticipated 4 years earlier started happening. It took my life in an entirely different direction for the better. So to answer your question, the only way to get past regret is time.

      One thing that helped me realize that the future always changes from what we think will happen is the story of Thomas Henderson. He was known as Hollywood Henderson when he played with the Dallas Cowboys. He started his NFL career in 1975, and it was all over by 1980. By 1983 he found himself in prison because of drug use and sexual assault. He got sober in prison. He became a motivational speaker when he got out. He made amends for his past, he gave back to the community where he was raised. In 2000, he won $28 million in the Texas Lottery.

      Tomorrow is always a blank slate. Past regret is just that–living in the past. Life can change tomorrow, and it’s not always for the worse. If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell me to make tomorrow a different day and don’t get in a rut of self-doubt. Just because you think tomorrow will be one way doesn’t make it so. You honestly have the power to change everything about you.

      Best of luck to you. I’m pulling for you.

  19. Expiring Cat Memes*

    How do you navigate mismatched attitudes about gift-giving with your friends and family?

    I am not a gift-giver. Partly because I don’t enjoy shopping; mostly because I am anti-junk and wastage. I prefer to do other things that show I care, like treat them when we go out, host their celebration, cook them a special dinner, or contribute help (financial, time or otherwise) when I know they could use it, rather than just buying a thingy to gift-wrap because it’s an occasion.

    I also hate receiving gifts. They’re seldom anything I actually like or want and I hate that fake social appreciation dance that I’m expected to do, only to find somewhere for the unwanted thing to rot until enough time has passed to throw it out. My friends and family all know this about me, yet here we still are several decades later having awkward one-way gifting on special occasions.

    I know that for some people, the act of gifting is important because it makes them feel good to give. But even though I’ve been very clear about not wanting “things” and giving them other alternatives, I’m inevitably ending up in situations where they gift anyway, they can see I dislike it, get a bit upset, and I feel terrible while having to explain yet again that I don’t want “things” and won’t use it.

    I guess it’s ramping up at the moment as we’re settling into our new home and everyone is so excited for us. It’s sweet and well-intentioned, but I know from experience that if I’m not brutally direct I’ll just end up with more and more useless stuff for landfill or charity.

    Interested to hear the different takes on this.

    1. Batgirl*

      Are you saying that you dislike getting gifts “because it’s not what I want”, or are you very firmly saying “no gifts at all, I don’t want to unwrap anything and I don’t like having new things”. If it’s the former, people are still going to feel compelled to get you something, but just think they could do better. If it’s the latter, they still have a social quandary but they are clearer on the situation. I had a lot of success this Christmas with “let’s not do any gifts” because everyone was broke, but the previous Christmas everyone agreed to Secret Santa. We used an app where people chose the things they actually wanted and we exchanged way fewer gifts. You could also make a gift list of experiences or vouchers, or tell people they could treat you to a spa day or to lunch at your favourite restaurant. A new house is a perfect opportunity to deny gifts: “We are living out of boxes and still deciding what we want to do with the house. You’d be doing me the greatest favour if you didn’t get me any more stuff/take this back.” And stick to it.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        It’s always been “no gifts at all” and lately it’s “again: no gifts at all, ever, and also, I do not want that thing so please keep or return it”. We’d agreed (again) this Christmas that only the grandkids would get gifts, yet there I was (again!) with a heinous wicker planter basket and a huffy mother.

        Now, weirdly, it’s starting with a friend who we moved closer to. She keeps buying me all this random stuff, and plants that I either don’t like or am years away from being ready put into the ground. My house and garden are very personal to me – and out of everyone she knows that quite well, so I’m surprised by it.

        1. Batgirl*

          You’ve been clear and they’re the ones making it awkward! Though possibly your friend thinks plants don’t count.

      2. Sloan Kittering*

        I have also had good luck redirecting the gift impulse into something more acceptable. We’ve done “please don’t bring a gift but a bottle of your favorite wine would be welcome” or “a dish to share” or even flowers, which at least don’t hang around forever. Something you can re-gift without guilt, like a bottle of wine, is good I think.

      3. The Dogman*

        Ask for socks…

        People always need socks so you can re-gift any that are the wrong pattern or colour.

    2. Buni*

      About 10yrs ago my mother suggested / issued a blanket family rule that amongst the over-18s all gifts had to be ‘consumable’ – basically food & drink or lotions / bathroom stuff, very generic vouchers, or maybe flowers for lesser celebrations. The only exception has been good socks. All our lives are immeasurably better.

      1. Constance Lloyd*

        This is basically what my family does as well. Consumables, experiences, or the occasional handmade functional gift. (I knit sweaters, and a sister likes to gift canvas shopping bags she’s embroidered.)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m still grateful to the brother-in-law who formally proposed stopping Xmas gifts on that side of the family.

      3. Elle Woods*

        My family has mostly switched to this too and it’s been really nice. We’ve mostly given each other tickets to a sporting contest or gift cards to favorite retailers and restaurants. We’ll occasionally give each other really nice warm socks or earrings but it’s mostly experiences.

        1. Sloan Kittering*

          I would like this so much but first I need to shift the family away from “opening gifts / watching others open gifts” as the main way we celebrate the occasion. The times we’ve had nothing to unwrap the event fell a little flat because that’s the traditional activity. Ugh.

      4. Coenobita*

        Yes! At a certain point my grandma (now 95 years old) was like, “I am old, I don’t want anything new unless I can eat it, drink it, or use it up.” I think that’s a good guide for most people, even if you are not 95.

        Also, there is ALWAYS someone in my neighborhood Buy Nothing group who will take unwanted food, lotion, soap, etc. I think consumables are generally easier (and guilt-free-er) to give away or regift compared to other types of stuff.

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          My grandmother declared for her last 5 or so years “Anything you give me, you’re getting back when I die!” She held to that too, we mostly got her little figurines that she liked, and we did get them back. It’s nice to have pretty things we associate with her.

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I enjoy choosing & giving gifts, but I live in a small place so totally sympathize. I prefer gifts to be useful or meaningful (or both).

      As everyone has gotten older and had less need for “stuff”, my family has moved to more food gifts, which I appreciate. And just ordering gift crates of local specialties takes me less time than regular shopping. Do you think you could at least move your family to something like that? (Since I am also now the main “keeper of family recipes” for both sides, it gives me more time for my holiday baking, which they’ve made clear is their real interest.)

      I also know families where gifts are only for the kids during the holidays, and the adults pool their money for charitable giving.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      As a gifter, the notion of deliberately disregarding the wishes of someone who has specifically said “please don’t get me gifts” is sort of appalling. I can’t even wrap my head around why someone would do that. Are they … assuming that just because you’re saying it you don’t actually MEAN it or something? It sounds like this has been going on long enough that that shouldn’t be the case, but … cannot fathom.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        LOL, it got very awkward with my Mum this Christmas because I was long out of f–’s to give by the 24th. Essentially it boiled down to her “needing to give gifts because that’s what’s important to her even if I don’t appreciate it! *sniffffffff*”. And I had to say, sorry I don’t, and I’ve been telling you that every year for 20 years Mum. Hope you have a spot for it or a receipt. (But of course, IATA)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          A friend of mine at one point, for actual gift-giving occasions, started saying “For (Christmas/my birthday/whatever) this year, I want gifts for (charity). Anything anyone gives me for my birthday, without exception, will be donated to that organization. If you really want to give something and need some guidance, their wish list is located at (link).” Maybe you could try something like that? That way if what’s important to Mum is to give a gift, and she doesn’t much care about the recipient, then she can pick out gifts for a youth shelter or an animal rescue or whatever cause is near and dear to your heart?

        2. Batgirl*

          So, does she actually take it away when you ask her to? Also, would she be receptive to a list of things you’d be okay with receiving? Something like your favourite brand of shampoo or a gift card? I am getting vibes though that she’s just a shopper who like to pick up stuff on wild impulse regardless of other people’s preferences. I told my future MiL last night that “crystal wasn’t really my thing” because she really wants to buy me something for my dressing table and she keeps suggesting things made out of crystal. Cue: “Oh but you have to, because you’re going to inherit all my crystal animals!” Well… if I have to!?!!

        3. Malarkey01*

          My trick with a mom who cannot seem to NOT get me “something” is to take it, say a neutral thank you, and then I throw it out before I get home.
          I had to really struggle with the throwing away because it’s SO wasteful but I realized a lot of my reaction was centered around the oh man now I have to deal with this thing and have to take it to the thrift store/store it/find someone who wants it and I was resentful that they had thrust that on me. I now have no guilt about thrashing it, they knew you didn’t want it so it’s on them if they ask to see it after the fact, and I don’t even bring it into my home.
          For the friend with the plants I’d be more blunt and say “please don’t give me anything, I cannot accept it, and then when they hand you something say “no thank you”. If a friend can’t respect that basic boundary it’s not your fault their feelings are hurt (moms seem to be a different situation since they birthed us).

      3. Venus*

        My father is a controlling asshole and assumes that buying nice gifts will force us to love him. He’s atheist and celebrates christmas as an elaborate gift-opening ritual. I kept talking about giving away some of the gifts every year and mine slowly reduced until a few years ago it became a donation to a charity (food bank) and I am so much happier. I don’t do gifts with the rest of my family except for consumables.

        I tried doing the list of things that I needed but it was always wrong (frying pan please, no other pans as I have too many of those… oh look! A pan but no frying pan)

        1. Expiring Cat Memes*

          I’ve also found with doing the list thing that eventually you get to a point in life where you’re very particular about the size/shape/brand of frypan and that can totally suck the joy out of shopping for the gift-giver. Or, they keep forgetting that you’ve already been given a frypan, so fast forward a couple of years and you have eleventy frypans you don’t know what to do with.

    5. Sooda Nym*

      I always think of gifts as someone spending their money in a way that makes them happy, not something where anyone should expect reciprocation. But that also means once a gift is given, it’s no-strings-attached: if the recipient wants to throw it in the trash or donate to charity, so be it (there are exceptions – if someone gives you something with sentimental value, you’d truly want to try to return it to them vs. putting it in a dumpster). Sounds like you feel obligated to hang onto things for a while, so you see the gifts as a burden.

      Maybe instead of trying to convince people not to give you gifts (which is not working anyway) you can accept that they are going to give them, because it makes them happy, and figure out responses that work for you, and help you be happy, too. Instead of thanking someone for a gift you don’t want, thank them for thinking of you (assuming that you are truly happy that they think enough of you to get you a gift, this is expressing a true emotion, not just faking gratitude). I think it’s fair to mention if you won’t use something, but then just accept the item, move the conversation on to something else, and dispose of the item later s you see fit. Maybe it would work to say “Thank you so much for thinking of me. *I’m not sure I will use this,* would you like it back, or would you like me to keep it?” (*Or, I don’t have a place to store it, or I can’t eat that type, or I have one already…just a generic truth that fits the gift). Use a completely pleasant tone to convey the gift isn’t a good fit, put the ball in their court, and if they want you to keep the item, then you’ve got your answer, and can do what you want with the gift without guilt.

      1. Batgirl*

        I wouldn’t like to give someone a disposal job though, just because I like to give gifts? There’s something quite unfair about that and you don’t have to gift “stuff”.

        1. Sooda Nym*

          Ideally, yes. The people who are being asked not to give gifts should realize that the “best gift” in that situation is no gift at all. But that’s not happening in this case. You can’t change other people, you can only change your own behavior in response.

          1. Batgirl*

            But surely the best way to help them realise is to go: “Oh you just enjoy that yourself, I wasn’t being coy, I’m fine and really didn’t want anything”, rather than “Aww, thanks you do know better than I do about what I like!”.

    6. fposte*

      Sometimes it’s easier to redirect rather than stop the impulse. Housewarming may be tougher because it’s nonreciprocal, but then again unpacking in a new place makes the “overwhelmed with stuff” narrative pretty understandable for most givers. One possibility would be saying you just can’t cope with stuff, but you’d love a photo or a note (you can set up a Google page if you want to keep it digital) about your friendship or a happy shared time you enjoyed.

      But does your dislike of gift giving mean that you’re also resisting giving gifts to people for whom that’s important? Then it sounds like a parallel where both sides are sticking to their own way of doing things, and I might just shrug and call that one a draw.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yes I could probably get out of receiving gifts but never out of giving them, as there are a few people in my family who take such joy in being given items. I try to have some go-to gifts from small businesses I really want to support, and I buy stuff when I travel that hopefully supports the local economy and also sends a “look, I thought of you on vacation” message. It is hard though I’m not as good a gift-giver as others in my family, and it tedious to buy, at last count, twelve gifts a year, each lovingly wrapped and mailed on time.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I still give gifts, but it’s more random and unexpected than on a predictable event schedule. Eg: I didn’t show up at the hospital with a gift for my friends when their baby was born, but I gave them a hefty gift card several months prior when I knew they had to buy all the baby stuff. That kind of thing.

        1. fposte*

          That still sounds like giving gifts the way you want to, not when the recipient might most enjoy it, though.

          To be clear, I don’t think that’s a horrible thing. I have friends of various gift-giving stripes, including not at all, and it’s all fine (I suspect it matters less to many of us the older we get). But nobody’s righter than anybody else, so I’d focus on mutual tolerance, abetted by strategies for redirection to something you find less burdensome.

          1. Expiring Cat Memes*

            Yep that’s fair; I am insisting on doing it my way perhaps at the expense of their enjoyment. I guess I’ve always figured that for the recipient it’s about being given something, and I want that something to be meaningful or helpful to them. But maybe I’ve got that wrong! Maybe it’s the ritual that’s important, not the thing.

            I guess what logically follows then though, is that if I perform the ritual to make them happy, how do I keep it one-way? Because my concern is that we’ll devolve back into ‘Cat Memes gave me a birthday present, therefore I have to get her one too even if she insists she doesn’t want one’. I don’t know if there’s necessarily a workable middle ground there. But it’s interesting to consider anyway.

            1. fposte*

              Heh, that’s the tricky bit, so I don’t know that I have a perfect solution either. It is very human to think that other people want what you do, and for them to take your doing it to them as enthusiasm for them to do it to you. Or you could end up with an Abilene paradox where neither of you really care about exchanging gifts but you each think the other one does so you carry on with it forever for no reason. (I also don’t think it’s the end of the world if you keep doing what you do now–I was just noting there was a bit of an inconsistency there. I definitely don’t think anybody needs to turn themselves inside out to give the exact gift the exact way that the recipient will enjoy.)

              If you can do it, it might be worth having an open conversation, especially with a good redirection ready if they ask you what you like in gifts. It’s easiest if you can just open up the topic sometime when nobody’s birthday is on the horizon, or well in advance of an holiday gift season. You can go deep if you like, and it might be an interesting conversation: what does getting gifts mean to you? What about giving them? What’s the best part of the experience? Is it important for every occasion and gift (I am a sucker for a pile of wrapped packages, but I’m completely satisfied by one friend who loves to create those)?

              The other complication is that if these are coming from people you don’t feel you know well enough to have those conversations with and don’t see often enough to have a sense of what matters to them, giftwise. For those it might make a lot of sense to stick to your current lack of reinforcement, maybe with occasional mentions of how important it is to you to move away from more stuff and instead donate money to the food bank or wherever. Just don’t do it the moment you’re handing them a scented candle to add to their collection :-).

    7. Nicole76*

      Since it sounds like your mom isn’t going to stop with the gift-giving, would it be possible to direct her to an online wish list so at the very least she can buy something you’d actually want/use? I could see this being particularly useful for your new home – “We set up a wish list of items we could actually use in our new home”. It doesn’t guarantee people will buy from it, but at the very least it gives them ideas on what you like.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’m seeing two possible issues in your post. The first is, some people in your family express love through giving and receiving gifts. The other is, people are violating your boundaries.

      If you really feel strongly that you don’t want to give or receive gifts, and it hurts your feelings that people are ignoring your clear wishes, then I think you need to draw a line in the sand. The issue isn’t that you open the gift and it’s not something you like and then you don’t perform adequate gratitude. That makes it seem like maybe if people keep buying you stuff then one day they will get it right and find something you love (and thereby prove to you that you do like gifts after all). The thing that seems to be making you feel bad isn’t the bad gift, it’s the fact of the gift.

      If this is true, then I think you need to literally not open it. Will this be hard and cause a ruckus? You bet. But after one or two times of handing the unopened gift back and saying, “I know you love me, I’m sure this is very thoughtful, but I Do Not Want Gifts and I hope you can give this to someone who will enjoy it,” I’ll bet the gifting will stop.

      I am in a similar situation. I don’t like to receive gifts, I don’t like to give gifts (at specific prescribed giving occasions – I love to spontaneously see something that I know a loved one would truly enjoy and pick that up). Some of my family is similar and some are decidedly Not Similar. But I don’t feel the same sense of boundary violation that I’m getting from your post, so my response is different. I think that I’m more of an outlier in not loving gifts, than they are in loving them, so I try to compromise. People know I’m not much of a gift person, so they extend me some grace by giving me a wish list, or accepting my somewhat-generic and not very thoughtful presents and hopefully seeing the fact of my trying as evidence of love. Similarly, even though I don’t really like getting a bunch of stuff that I won’t use, I try to see the gifts as little boxes of love, and I express my appreciation in that vein. Then I just donate the things I won’t use.

      1. Bona v Bubba*

        Ah, this makes sense to me! It is harsh but clear, and it makes it explicit that it is not about the item itself and that you are unwilling to compromise in any way on the issue.

        Usual caveats about being willing to accept social fallout of insisting on your way in its entirety, but if this is your hill to die on then this action makes your position unmistakable.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      This kind of thing is so frustrating for everyone involved. We finally had to impose a gift limit for our kids and while some family members have been fine with it, a couple keep finding excuses to ignore or get around the rules. I’m so sick of having to remind them every time (including for like, Thanksgiving which is not usually a gifting holiday!) but I feel like it’s the only thing keeping them from giving even MORE stuff.

      Ultimately you can’t change other people’s actions so adjust your own – the biggest one is that you don’t have to keep crap you don’t want for a polite timeframe! That shit goes straight to a donation bin. Or if you know where it was purchased, exchange it for something you do want. Or if you can, just “forget” it at the giver’s house or explicitly tell them you’re leaving it there. It feels extremely rude but you’ve set this boundary many times, so no one should be surprised when you reinforce it.

    10. Bona v Bubba*

      We have met in the middle(ish) over time. I ask for consumables or for specific things that I actually want. They understand that I am not going to be as proficient at gift giving as they are. I have worked on learning to give thoughtful gifts, including things that are within my comfort zone such as consumables or things that I am confident will be put to good use.

      This is a love languages thing, so it’s not like one side is right and the other wrong. If you love these people, try to work with them toward mutually agreeable solutions.

    11. Bumblebeee*

      Amen. I agree with all that you say. This is the family culture I grew up with. But I married into a family where every birthday and Christmas means dozens of gifts per person. I struggled with everything you mentioned in your post, but particularly the waste it created. My MIL I’m sure also felt upset when she realised I was getting rid of a lot of what she gifted me or for the children when they were very young. But I truly did not want all this ‘stuff’ and hated the clutter it created in my home.

      My husband and I had many debates about this over the years and we’ve come to a place of compromise regarding the number of gifts. I also recognise gifts being an important and fun part of his family tradition and kind of go along with it as best as I can tolerate; but my in laws know not to get me a gazillion gifts for me. It’s totally fine for you to be brutally direct about not accepting gifts. If that is your strong preference, it’s selfish for others to insist on giving you gifts. Gifts being such a strong social practice, though, I do think you will need to have the conversation repeatedly and forcefully to stick.

    12. Anon for this*

      Oh, I feel for you – my family is like this. One of my siblings is a minimalist who loves not having too much stuff around, and one of our parents is a wildly enthusiastic gift-giver, because they are very generous and this is a big part of how they look out for everyone (“Are you sure you don’t need an X? What about a Y? Can I give you this Z?”). I am somewhere in between; I also love not having too much stuff, but I also like finding objects for other people, so I can see where everyone is coming from. It’s caused tension in both directions, because the sibling in question really resents having objects pushed on them all the time, and the parent in question keeps feeling as if they’ve been asked to stop caring about one of their adult children. I’ve ended up having to explain each of them to the other repeatedly. I think it’s starting to work, though, and my sibling in particular is very grateful.

    13. Olivia Oil*

      I’m in a similar boat but honestly I don’t really have a solution. I’m very much an “experiences, not things” kind of person. I have clearly communicated before to people something along the lines of “you having drinks and spending time with me on my birthday is more than enough, don’t worry about buying anything.” But at the same time, if someone really wants to give a gift I’m not going to die on that hill. I will also give gifts to people who I know will appreciate them, even though the process of selecting gifts stresses me out lol. Sometimes it’s more about the gesture than the thing. I mostly gift consumables – they are more likely to get used and won’t end up abandoned in someone’s garage. And if I get something I don’t end up using I donate it.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I think you need to be clear and be willing to repeat yourself over and over.

      I relate to the dozens of gifts per person that one commenter spoke of. We brought the van to bring the gifts home. It was just too much.

      It was interesting that we were the last couple in the group to set up housekeeping but we were the first couple in the group to say, “We do not need more THINGS.” It was interesting to watch the gift lovers process this news. It was sudden hearing loss for these folks. Some of these folks were very interested in displays of expensive name brands and so on. Once I caught on, I found more and more ways of talking about excessive gifting. “We don’t have the space.” “I don’t have time to take care of all this stuff, so I don’t want any more.” “We can’t use it because there’s too much stuff in the way.”

      I think that open and on-going conversation is the route to go. Let them get tired of hearing you saying it, so they can realize how you feel about dealing with it. Tell each person involved that you will stop once the deluge stops.

      Be forewarned. Once the gifting stopped so did the get-togethers. I suspect this was a group of people who did not actually like each other that much.

    15. Calm Water*

      I suck at giving gifts and also don’t want things. Every year my mom asks what I want for Christmas. And every year the answer is socks. Boring socks. Not ‘fun’ socks. She doesn’t like it.

      With a few friends we exchange consumables. One friend and I have it down to chocolate coffee and wine. It’s amazing. Once her kids met me at the door and asked did you bring me a present? Their grandparents tend to spoil them. I looked at the preschooler and said do I ever bring you anything? No. It may seem a little harsh but these kids have plenty and they still like me because I play, we read, I introduce them to age inappropriate music – it’s great!

    16. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      The thing is, it’s supposed to be about what the recipient wants, not the giver. So not giving a gift is inflicting your beliefs on the other person. You may not like what you deem as junk, so you want to withhold gifts just to prove a point? Books aren’t junk. Food items aren’t junk. A nice beverage isn’t junk.

      1. allathian*

        Precisely. But after years and years of receiving unwanted gifts because that’s how the giver shows they care, turnabout is entirely fair play.

        Buying gifts is a burden for me. I’m so happy that I’ve mostly not had to deal with it for years. My dad used to show love by buying lots of gifts, some funny, others thoughtful, for Christmas especially. But as he’s gotten old and frail, he actually suggested that we stop giving presents among adults in our family. Now only our son gets a few Christmas presents, last year it was a new cellphone, some virtual money for his PS5, and clothes, and he was perfectly happy with that. Among adults, we stick to consumables like chocolate and coffee, and our traditional Christmas flower exchange. When we still exchanged gifts, we’d have wish lists of mainly books, and it got a bit ridiculous because we’d either shop online, or buy from a bookstore, books for each other that we could just as easily buy for ourselves.

      2. Despachito*

        ” it’s supposed to be about what the recipient wants, not the giver. ”

        Exactly this.

        I hate surprise gifts. I had a friend who loved surprise gifts.

        I think the ideal thing would have been for me to give her surprise gifts (because this was HER preference as the recipient), and for her to ask me precisely what I wanted (because this was MY preference as the recipient).

        I think the problem with the “no-gifts” rule is that people do not believe you are serious (and perhaps think “she SAYS she does not want anything but if I comply she will be hurt-.) So I think if you redirect their need to get you something to things which are acceptable to you, be it consumables/experiences/a dinner in a nice restaurant, this is most likely to succeed .

    17. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I got really lucky in that regard, the rule for my family was “send me a link to that thing you want and I’ll buy it for you,” or “I will take you out to lunch and shopping where you want,” paired with “don’t buy yourself things in December if you asked for them for Christmas, or before your birthday if you requested them.”

      If you’re dealing with housewarming gifts or similar, can you ask for gift cards? Maybe even for your favorite grocery store or restaraunt? You could use the line “we still haven’t sorted out what we need but we know we need dinners!” Or some snack you like but rarely get for yourself? Alternatively, if you DO know a few things you need, can you make a gift registry so they at least get you what you want?

      But if they won’t stop giving you useless (to you) things even when you say to stop, there’s unfortunately nothing you can do if they want to be offended by it. Just be matter of fact “we’ve discussed this before, and I’m being very literal when I say I will not use gifts because I have what I want already.” You can add “I have asked you to only bring me ___ (some treat or snack you like), why won’t you get me this thing I really enjoy?” If you’ve been very clear and specific, it’s up to them to stop.

    18. Lucy Skywalker*

      Tell your family and friends to make a donation to a charity in your name, rather than giving you a gift to open. If they persist in giving you a gift, i.e., “But it brings me so much pleasure to pick out a gift for you and watch you open it!” remind them that gift-giving is for the benefit of the receiver, not the giver. Tell them that if giving is so important to them, maybe volunteer at a local food pantry.

  20. Pocket Mouse*

    Insurance preauthorization question: if a medical provider submitted for preauthorization on a procedure and my insurance approved it, would it cause problems if I try to get that procedure done with a different provider before the preauthorization expires? Or, if not problems, will there be anything to sort out or update with my insurer in order for the procedure to be approved/covered with the new provider?

    I merely asked a question to the financial team at a provider’s office about how insurance billing/payment would work on a procedure—to be honest, in part because I’m trying to figure out whether I want to pursue it at this provider or try my luck with another provider when the time comes. I say ‘when the time comes’ because I have not even confirmed I wanted this procedure, the doctor I saw cannot provide it until additional steps are taken, and everyone agrees I’m not ready for it… but the financial/billing team just went ahead and submitted for preauthorization. While I’m glad to know where my insurance stands on it, I’m not thrilled with losing agency in the process and will be distinctly unhappy if it throws a wrench in what I decide is best for me. There are enough hoops to jump through as it is.

    1. Doctor is In*

      Usually an authorization is with a specific provider and location/hospital/surgery center. No guarantee that a different provider is even really in network.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Assuming another provider is in network, would they (or I) run into issues with the insurer when they submit for authorization themselves?

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Definitely call your insurance company and provider. The auths are usually for a specific provider, but can often be reassigned. (Easier if everyone is in network.)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Ask your insurance over us!

          But my experience matches Doctor Is In’s–the authorization is for that provider. Or looked at another way, that provider didn’t go to all the paperwork involved for you to say “Kthnxbye” and hand it to someone else.

    3. Really*

      I know for dental there wasn’t an issue. Look at what the preauthorization letter says. More importantly there is usually a time limit for how long it’s good for. After that you would need a new one anyway.

      1. HoundMom*

        A medical procedure pre auth only applies to the doc who did the paperwork. You may have to have the first doc rescind the request. The carrier will not have two pre-auths out there.

    4. FACS*

      I’m a surgeon. The prior Auth us for one provider at a specific institution, period. No real point in getting it until you will definitely proceed and they are time limited. Hope it is not a way to press you to move forward.

  21. Overeducated*

    I think you can’t entirely rewrite how people engage with a widespread social practice on the basis of individual preference. (This is not a statement that you *shouldn’t* be able to or your preferences are invalid, and I agree that lots of gifts ARE wasteful crap; I just don’t think it’s going to happen.) So I say accept this rather than trying to change people. Accept the gifts graciously for what they mean to the givers – a symbolic way of showing care – and find a quiet way to offload them without adding to a landfill if you can. Buy Nothing, Freecycle, and free stuff Facebook groups are pretty good depending on where you live.

    Also, regarding the “fake social appreciation dance,” emphasize the “social,” not the fake, it is a ritual that helps maintain relationships and that is definitely not meaningless. I also think making dinner for someone instead of a gift is based on your own preferences, rather than theirs, and you’d probably like to be recognized for the care you do show rather than have them be upset that you didn’t get them something wrapped instead. There’s a bit of give and take on both sides here.

  22. WellRed*

    Thx to commenters last week for the weed smoking discussion. It’s helped me reframe somewhat. I live with a pot smoking roommate for the first time in years and she’s really ramped it up lately.

    1. Traci*

      Very good point. It’s something professional related that I saw on her LinkedIn profile. You’re right. I can easily nudge the conversation into her professional background and what attracted her to her current position. Convo would feel a lot more natural that way!

  24. YouTube recommendations?*

    My YouTube feed has gone haywire and I think I need to add some new channels to shake things up. What are your favorite YouTube channels?

    1. Jen*

      Bernadette Banner – sewing and clothing history
      Jill Bearup -analyzes fight scenes from a stage fighter perspective
      Binging with Babish – makes the food from movies/TV. Has branched out into more general cooking instruction.

      1. UKDancer*

        I love Bernadette Banner, her choice of language makes me laugh and even as a not sewing person I love hearing about what she’s been working on.

        I also like Reading the Past for history (very entertaining insights from an historian, mainly Tudor and Stuart).

        I like “They Got Away with Murder” and “Brief Case” for classic crime cases from the 20th century and before.

        I also like Emma Kenney’s true crime channel. I don’t always agree with her views but I do find her interesting to listen to. Her choice of crimes can run to the more graphic and detailed so perhaps not for the more squeamish.

      2. Pippa K*

        I love that this list gives the impression you’re working your way through YouTube alphabetically :-)

        2. Very Social*

          +1 to Bernadette and Tasting History! Also Morgan Donner if you like the historical sewing stuff!

    2. fposte*

      I like Baumgartner Restoration, watching paintings get restored as the restorer explains what he’s doing and why. Life in Yakutia is run by Marie, whom I find utterly charming, and who introduces viewers to life in the Russian Arctic. zefrank1 is gorgeous footage about different kinds of animal with informative yet highly comedic narration. I also subscribe to First We Feast but I only watch Hot Ones (“the interview show with hot questions and even hotter wings”), where celebrities eat wings with increasingly hotter sauce while they get some pretty detailed questions thrown at them and end up with some of their most spontaneous interview moments ever. (Plus it’s fun to see who is unexpectedly an absolute beast when it comes to hot sauce tolerance–who would have guessed Elizabeth Olsen, for instance?)

      1. Windchime*

        Seconding Baumgartner Restoration. It’s a great channel, I learn a lot, and it’s really well done technically. Others I like:

        Alexandra Gater
        The Sorry Girls
        Fresian Horses
        DIY Danie
        Tyler and Todd (two young men who are creating an off-grid homestead in Nova Scotia…..this one is really good)
        Cupcake Jemma
        Just Get it Done Quilts

        Lots of Canadian’s represented here. They seem to have a very strong You Tube game.

    3. Elle Woods*

      – Pasta Grannies: Italian grandmothers show you how to make a huge variety of pasta dishes
      – Postmodern Jukebox: musical group that reworks pop hits into different vintage genres, especially blues and jazz
      – Charlie Berens: because I love his Midwestern humor and relate to it 100% (except that I’m a Vikings fan, not a Packers fan)
      – The Small Things Blog: great for hair and makeup tutorials

    4. GoryDetails*

      I like Dr. Hope’s Sick Notes – he hasn’t posted as often lately, but I really enjoy his mix of “life at a hospital” and “a doctor’s commentary on the likely injuries suffered by movie characters in over-the-top fight scenes”. (Also his recaps of anime series “Cells at Work”!)

      Caitlin Doughty’s “Ask a Mortician” videos – there are historical ones about early funeral or embalming practices, modern ones about new options for burials, quirky ones including a recent post on books bound in human skin… OK, not for everyone, but I find her posts fascinating, often quite funny, and sometimes very touching.

      Cinema Therapy: a therapist and a film maker comment on the psychological issues of movie characters, with a mix of humor and in sight – and occasional goofy video-clips. They have a set on “heroes” and a compare/contrast on “villains”, including a Marvel-universe comparison of narcissistic characters – Loki-version and Ironman-version. Oh, and a really sweet look at “My Neighbor Totoro” as an example of exemplary family dynamics. The guys are affable and funny, and not afraid to get teary when talking about their favorite scenes.

    5. Bobina*

      Haute Le Mode (fashion critiques but with loads of analysis/context as well)
      Ancient Recipes (cooking ancient recipes)
      Dont Trust The Internet (basically one show, Julies Top 5 where they try to rank the Top 5 songs from an artist/album and it feels like fun debate with friends).

    6. Emma2*

      Such a good question! I am interested in seeing what others say.
      Some channels I like are:
      Brown Girl Reading (I find that Didi’s book recommendations generally work really well for me, she often highlights books I had not heard about elsewhere – and she has really disliked some of the same books as me, which was part of the reason I first started to follow her recommendations)
      Dr Octavia Cox – she is a professor who discusses literature, the largest proportion of her videos discuss Jane Austen’s work. I find her really enjoyable to listen to and she has added insights to my own reading of these novels (and I do love Jane Austen)

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Tasting History with Max Miller has become one of my favorites. He cooks and talks about historical dishes. He’s very funny too (he has a running gag about hardtack that cracks me up every time). He does a lot of research and gives interesting tidbits about ancient ingredients, etc.

      Somebody mentioned Baumgartner Restoration; I like that one too (and Julian’s voice is very ASMR).

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Legal Eagle for entertaining legal opinions.
      Good Mythical Morning for some silliness.
      Cold War for history.
      Doug DeMuro for entertaining car stuff.
      Stephen Colbert’s night show, it’s too late for me to watch IRL.
      Jill Bearup.
      Biograpics/Geographics/In to the Shadows, all hosted by the same host.
      The Take – examining various TV and movie tropes.
      Honest Trailer and Pitch Meeting – different channels, but both poke fun at movies.

    9. The Dogman*

      Forgotten Weapons. A very interesting delve by Ian (Gun Jesus) into various old, unusual, obsolete or just interesting guns and assorted ancillary weapons like bayonets and swords etc. He covers everything from mainline battlefield weapons to guns built into belts and watches, his channel covers almost anything that goes, or once went, BANG!

      I like the Channel4 8 out of 10 cats clip compilations, some are a bit rude for some folks, but usually very funny.

      Anything with Guy Martin, Fred Dibnah, Jack Hargreaves for info on mechanisms and the UK countryside.

      Bondi Rescue, full episodes on the official Youtube channel.

      AprilWilkerson has a some great carpentry stuff.

    10. Turtle Dove*

      travelers and adventurers:
      Beau Miles – an Australian who thoughtfully creates his own wacky adventures
      Kinging It – a Welsh couple and their converted bus named Custard
      Downie Live – a Canadian train lover with loads of positivity and enthusiasm

      cooking shows:
      Pro Home Cooks – a home cook who makes cooking feel approachable
      Kitchen Sanctuary – another home cook who inspires me
      Great Canadian Baking Show

      I’ll second Stephen Colbert’s shows, and I’ll add my all-time favorite: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. What an intelligent, funny man he is! The Jayleno Fly channel has bunches of his old shows.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      My favorite channel is Friesian Horses. It’s run by a woman in the Netherlands who shares day to day life at a breeding farm for a beautiful breed of black horse, the Friesian. She typically posts five days a week and I’ve been watching every time there’s a new post for several years. For anyone who is interested in human-animal behavior, it’s great to see how kind the people are, and how friendly and happy the horses are to interact. And it’s just a lovely, relaxing escape.

      And when I just need a blast of something funny, I rewatch this YouTube video: “Cyclists chased by an ostrich. The funniest thing you’ll see today.”

    12. Beagles Bark A Lot*

      Cecilia Blomdahl about living on Svalbard with her boyfriend and dog
      James Hoffmann all about coffee that even non-coffee drinkers find interesting. Watch his video on the Brad Pitt coffee maker commercial

    13. RagingADHD*

      Tom Scott, Smarter Every Day, How to Cook That, Absolute History, Adam Savage’s Tested, Last Week Tonight and The Daily Show with Trevor Noah are all great.

      I probably spend more time watching uploads of UK game shows and talk shows though, no specific channel on those.

    14. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Townsends – Lots of 18th century cooking
      Dylan Hollis – Recreates old recipes. Mostly reposts his TikTok vids but has a couple of long-form videos specifically for youtube.
      How To Cook That – Ann Reardon is a chef, baker, food scientist, she makes amazing cakes, tests “hacks” from viral videos, and crazy kitchen gadgets, and advocates for dangerous DIY vids to be removed.
      Lockpicking Lawyer – He picks locks, especially padlocks. Repetitive and soothing.
      zefrank1 – True Facts about various animals, silly and often NSFW but nothing untrue
      Kurzgesagt (In a Nutshell) – Animated explanations for complicated science, especially space and health
      jablinskigames – Jack Black’s channel. Some vlogs, some silly sketches, and his early videos included his kids and actual computer and physical games.

      And the “mad scientist” side of Youtube:
      Cody’s Lab – Things like “recovering platinum from roadside dust” and “hey check out this old mine on my property” plus gardening and other random stuff about chemicals and metals.
      NileRed – He built his own lab and experiments with chemicals. Fascinating but not very rigorous.
      NightHawkInLight – Dangerous experiments with electricity and fire, but detailed warnings and safety instructions.
      PhotonicInduction – He blows up electronics by overloading them. He’s an expert, with serious equipment. Recently back from a hiatus but posts sporadiacally.
      Stuff Made Here – Builds robots and codes the programming to do things like paint a giant mural, make a bow that can’t miss the target, or carve foam with a chainsaw. Few videos but worth watching.

    15. Might Be Spam*

      See Jane Drill is one of my favorites. She’s a carpenter and has the knack of explaining things well. She covers a lot of different crafts besides woodworking and explains tools and products and how/when to use them.

    16. Same old me*

      my current favorites

      emmymade : she tries different recipes
      sheepishly me : Sandi Brock sheep farmer in Canada, love the new lambs
      The sheep game : sheep farmer in Scotland, beautiful scenery
      transcend furniture: giving new life to old furniture

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Li Ziqi who does food & culture demos in Sichuan Province, China.
      Andy Philips, woodturner
      Kittosaurus
      And all sorts of street food vendors.

    18. I take tea*

      For feelgood:
      The Dodo (rescued animals, warning, sometimes distressing pictures of neglect)
      The Owlkitty (short clips of classic movies with inserted cat, really well done)
      Shirley Şerban (a New Zealander who does songs with new lyrics, she began with Covid but has since made other themes too)

      Interesting:
      Broken Window Theory (urban explorers, really quite fascinating. The videos are in English, though you hear them speak German sometimes, but it’s all subtitled)
      Passion of the Nerd (interesting analysis of Buffy and Angel and some other series)

      1. Anima*

        Oooh, I forgot Broken Window Theory! These guys are from my dad’s hometown, they do speak German but do subtitles well (that’s really what they say).

    19. Anima*

      Seconding Bernadette Banner. Also Cathy Hay, although she has a thing with her voice (I believe there is a video about that) and her voice is not everyones cup of tea.
      Ready for some wholesome weirdness? Rachel Maksy! Crafting content that is funny, and she has a dog and a cat who make appearances sometimes.
      I also like Tom Scott, the original channel, short bits about wonderful things around Europe.
      Tim Traveller is seriously underrated, it’s Tom Scott but better, also pay attention to the music here!
      Jago Hazard – makes “Tales from the Tube” meaning the London Tube and much much more, it’s not only trains but also infrastructure. Even if you are not into trains, ist interesting to watch. Also, fine British humor.
      MemorySeekers, also totally underrated. The production value of those videos is insane. Good cinematography, nice audio. It’s about landmarks, mostly in the UK and like virtual tours.
      Rare Earth – just watch it, it’s amazing! Video essays about humans and human life all over the world. Had a big break the last two years but is back better than ever.
      Total weirdness? Map Men/Jay Foreman! It’s bonkers and so funny!
      If you like animals, Clint’s Reptiles and Snake Discovery, but there will be gross things like the vinegaroon, so be warned. (It’s my cup of tea, I like to keep animals with too many legs a pets, but it’s not everyones cup of tea.)
      If you want to widen your horizon further Beyond Ghibli – yes it’s about anime, but mostly art in relation to human life and also rather video essays than anime rating.
      Oh wow, I watch a lot of YouTube! Seems YouTube has been my panini saver, ha.

      1. Anima*

        Forgot Cari Cakez, she makes Seoul vlogs. Nice cafés, cute dogs and and occasionally a cake made in a rice cooker. Cari also has a book channel, Cari can read, but I don’t watch it always, too much young adult fiction.

    20. StellaBella*

      I have a few:
      SUNDAY MORNING JAZZ: Sunny Jazz & Bossa Nova to Chill
      A new one I found on Umbria Italy life Colina in Umbria
      Cafe Music BGM channel
      Monterey Bay Aquarium
      RSA (Uniting people and ideas)
      Acid Jazz Records

    21. Frally*

      I love Aurikateriina- she’s a young Finnish lady who cleans depressed people’s apartments for free. These places are filthy and absolutely full of garbage, but she loves it. She’s so sweet and upbeat, a genuinely kind person. And I’ve gotten some good cleaning tips from her, she really knows her stuff.

      YouTube suggested another Finnish vlogger: Emmi La. She shows her life in Finland. No talking, just subtitles and calming music. Very enjoyable.

  25. Elle Woods*

    – Pasta Grannies: Italian grandmothers show you how to make a huge variety of pasta dishes
    – Postmodern Jukebox: musical group that reworks pop hits into different vintage genres, especially blues and jazz
    – Charlie Berens: because I love his Midwestern humor and relate to it 100% (except that I’m a Vikings fan, not a Packers fan)
    – The Small Things Blog: great for hair and makeup tutorials

  26. goldengrove*

    I know that part of living with roommates involves dealing with other people’s annoying habits, and I’ve had my fair share of roommates who won’t do the dishes/leave hair in the shower/etc., and I’m normally okay with having the awkward conversation about keeping common areas clean. But my current roommate (a subletter who started in December) is taking this to another level.

    Our kitchen table and coffee table are covered in rings from spilled beverages (I literally never use coasters, but I’ve also never left behind so many marks!). This morning I stepped in what I’m hoping was peanut butter that was left on the floor overnight. I am constantly finding puddles of spilled food/beverages that just… haven’t been wiped up. There have been times that I have deep-cleaned the kitchen only to find it covered in food and clutter again within hours (how???). Our bathroom surfaces are constantly covered in assorted toothpaste/soap stains, and there are towels stained with menstrual blood (we’re both women; I know accidents happen; but we also have in-unit laundry so… why????).

    When I tried to have a “We should probably clean the apartment” conversation, she agreed, and then I watched her take a paper towel, wet it with water, and wipe down the toilet and sink without any cleaning products. She was surprised that I wanted to sweep the kitchen floor. I am just truly flabbergasted — this isn’t just someone who is messier than I would prefer, I legitimately think she somehow made it to nearly 30 without understanding how cleaning works (I get the sense that she’s from a fairly well-off family, but so am I and I still understand the concept of soap!).

    I’ll be moving out when our lease is up in June because I am truly at my limit. But in the meantime, I don’t even know how to begin to address this. This isn’t just, “Hey, can you please make an effort to do your dishes within 24 hours so they don’t pile up.” How do you tell a grown adult “If you spill something, please wipe it up” and “can I please teach you how to use Clorox”?

    1. Reba*

      I mean, I think you can say those things and it sounds like you need to! Like, she agrees with cleaning but needs that follow up, “so, ‘cleaning’ means…” I wonder if you could gently but firmly bring it up again and say something like, “look, this is awkward and I don’t want to come off like I’m nagging you, but I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to know how to use the cleaning products we have or how often those tasks should be done. I’d like to just get things more clear between us about the frequency and type of cleaning we need to do. Spills should be picked up immediately or they just get worse (examples).” And show her some of the basics? “When we notice it’s time to clean the bathroom we should use X product on a sponge for the sink/counter, and Y product which is a spray” etc. etc.

      Maybe share some old Ask A Clean Person columns? Make a chore schedule?

      IDK it is perplexing, but if you tried to have this conversation, at least you would be doing all her future roommates a favor.

    2. Purt's Peas*

      How about a conversation like this: “I’m kind of worried about this conversation, because it feels like I’m about to be rude, but I’m really uncomfortable with the spilled food and drinks around the apartment. Like here, and here. I’m worried about bugs, and it’s making me feel unhappy in our shared space. I’m happy to show you the cleaning products I use, but definitely at a minimum I’d like you to wipe up spills as soon as they happen and to sweep the floor after doing stuff with food.”

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      As someone who likes a clean space but is cleaning averse, I feel both of you. (I consider myself messy but not filthy – there is a difference!) But she sounds truly awful. And this sounds like a difficult conversation. I recommend my old friend, the to-do list. A detailed one, listing the room & each task associated with it. But I don’t understand how she’s creating so much mess in such a short period of time. Is she really a set of clones? Time warp?

      1. goldengrove*

        The quick mess mostly comes from attempting elaborate cooking/baking feats and then just… not wiping up when flour ends up all over the counter and some of the batter drips onto the stove.

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      Also, thank you! I was trying to get myself motivated to get around to some of the chores I need to do around the apartment, & this helps!

    5. Generic Name*

      Maybe give her a tub of Clorox wipes and say, “here, use these. I find these are easier to clean with.”

    6. Not A Manager*

      The easy way is to suggest hiring cleaning help on some schedule that you can both afford, and splitting the cost. It will make the next 5 months much more bearable.

      The harder way is to shift the burden onto her. Literally make a list of cleaning chores that need to be performed and when, with a breakdown of what that means. Tell her that she either needs to do those chores reliably, or she needs to hire someone to do them.

      I vote for the first option because I am conflict-averse, but if necessary I would do the second one. Of course if she won’t cooperate you will have a huffy roommate and a dirty home, so you’d need to be prepared to basically abandon the common areas after that and just live in your bedroom.

      1. UKDancer*

        I would definitely recommend having a cleaner if you can afford it. Mine significantly improves the happiness of my life overall. I just have to do a bit of light cleaning and tidying in between her visits and I have the joy of a clean place. I realise this may not be financially viable but if it is I’d definitely recommend it.

      2. Anon in IL*

        Another vote for a cleaner, as a former messy person who has shared living space with other messy people. Even if she wants to change, a tidiness habit takes a long time. You can have a conversation, but if she is only there until June, I don’t know how much progress you will see. Or you could offer to do the cleaning yourself if she pays you.

        1. TinaTurner*

          I once had two roommates and was sure which one left garbage in the sink. But neither would admit it. It’s hard to deal with denial like that.

      3. goldengrove*

        I wish a regular cleaning service was in the budget, but there’s a reason I’m still living with roommates. I am planning to hire one on a one-time basis before I move out, because I want my security deposit back!

    7. Bumblebeee*

      I judge your roommate. Unfortunately I don’t know if anything you say will make a large difference. She might clean a spill or two when prompted; but she sounds like she’s just not in the habit of cleaning up after herself and likely won’t do it unless constantly nagged. And even then she probably won’t clean to an acceptable standard because she seems clueless. There isn’t really a good solution here beyond moving out because you’ll either be cleaning up after her or monitoring her cleaning on a daily basis. Not sure which is the less unpleasant option for you.

      I would be tempted to resort to mild forms of violence as this would drive me crazy. This is why parents need to make their kids to chores.

    8. MJ*

      I recently came across the blog “a slob comes clean . com” (remove spaces) where the blogger (“Nony”) explains that she just *doesn’t see* messes that normal people do. She has learned that some routines absolutely have to be done every day – whether or not she’s in the mood – in order to keep her home out of chaos.

      Something that might help your situation – Nony did detailed checklists when she started teaching her children to clean bathrooms. They go through step by step exactly what needs to be done. I think she has a bunch of info on how to teach children to clean.

      I would approach your roommate with a “We obviously have different cleaning styles, can I show you what I need you to do so I’m comfortable in our home?” attitude rather than “I can’t believe you’re comfortable living in a pigsty.” Approaching her collaboratively is more likely to get her to listen without getting her back up.

      As unbelievable as it may seem to you, if no one has ever shown her how to clean properly she might not realize it’s an issue. Or she may be embarrassed about being clueless and not want to ask for help.

      I know you said there is no budget for a cleaner right now, so I will highly recommend factoring this into future share rentals budgets if possible. It causes so much less resentment when you know your home will be clean on a regular basis! (Though it is also better when everyone does at least a minimal wiping up after themselves.)

      I hope you can get your roommate to improve a bit so your next few months aren’t unbearable.

    9. SofiaDeo*

      I had a horrible roommate once. I would walk in the door through 4-6 sorta empty beer cans with cigarette butts in them, because she was incapable of carrying the can back into the kitchen with her.

      What finally helped was first warning her, then following through, on dumping any large messes on her bed. If Imhad to move something before I could cook, or use the bathroom, or walked through something, if I had to physically move it, it got moved onto her bed. Since she rarely made it, this meant she had to do some sort of cleanup before sleeping. It took mmm 2 weeks? for her to FINALLY realize she wasn’t the only person living there, that it was a shared space.

      Although my current partner has a lot of “I never learned to do this as a child, and am resisting learning it/doing it as an adult, regardless of consequences.” He came from a “full time housekeeper, never had to do any chores At All” background. So IDK if what worked with my “more normal, taught responsibility” former roomie will work with yours, if they are more like my current partner.

    10. Chuck*

      I’ve been the tidy housemate in every share I’ve lived in and I wish you the best of luck in this endeavour. Saying “we should clean” is far too passive, if you want them to clean tell them directly.
      In our case we made a Google document of every imaginable chore broken down in detail, divided the house into zones/chore groupings and asked our housemate if there were any chores he couldn’t or wouldn’t do and excluded that from his rotation. You could also try having the cleaning supplies set up for your housemate eg, asking them to mop after you vacuum and having mop, bucket and cleaning solution ready to go. You could assign chores based on preference like if someone hates scrubbing toilets but doesn’t mind vacuuming their go-to job is vacuuming. You could prioritise chores by what absolutely has to be done and give your housemate lower priority chores.
      In case none of that works, my advice is to maintain your own room as an oasis and resign yourself to doing whatever other housework needs to be done to prevent the house from sliding into filth. Maybe see if there are any other options to get out earlier like finding someone to take over your part of the lease

  27. Travel FYI*

    Just a heads up to anyone flying into the USA in the near future. Please consider a laboratory covid test seven or eight days before the date you want to fly to the US.

    To fly to the USA, my airline is requiring a doctor’s medical clearance letter dated six days after an Official Laboratory positive covid test. Then a ticket can be booked for the next day. A doctor’s date of diagnosis based on symptoms and a diy home test was not acceptable to establish a start of quarantine date. (It makes sense, but I didn’t find the Offical Laboratory Test Date requirement on the airline website or 800# so I just had an unpleasant surprise. )

    FAQS – Travel due to complicated family situation from a rural area with limited local medical testing laboratories. (Hence the home tests.) Vacine, 10+ days past unofficial start date and symptom free. Stuck, but not stranded in a bad situation.

    1. Miki*

      What airline is it?
      I’m flying Lufthansa in the summer (code share with United) but haven’t seen any specific demands about testing yet.
      I hope you and the family are feeling better.

      1. Travel FYI*

        My experience was not with either of those. I don’t want to ‘bash’ anyone here, so I wont be saying anymore about which airline it is.

        Hopefully you will be negative the at the time (and always) and won’t need to worry about the medical clearance letter at all.

        Thank you. We have been fortunate.

    2. Tali*

      That’s an unusual requirement. Last I heard from the US embassy you needed a negative PCR test 24 hours before your flight departure (with complications like if you fly from Country A to Country B and then to the US, it needs to be 24 hours of your departure from Country B).

      I also heard that you need proof of vaccination if you are not a US citizen. I am not sure how they are enforcing anything at the ticket purchase stage, however.

      Hope you can get where you need to go soon!

  28. Teapot Translator*

    What’s everyone reading?
    I read The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers this week and now I’m finishing up Excellent Women by Barbara Pym. There’s something I don’t get about Excellent Women (the Wikipedia article says it’s supposed to be funny). I don’t find it funny, but I’m enjoying reading it, so it feels like I’m missing something.

    1. fposte*

      It’s been a long time since I’ve read Barbara Pym, but I found her very quietly funny, in that it’s the turns of phrase and sharp observations about the kinds of people her characters are that makes the humor. She’s been likened to Jane Austen because of this. A line I remember decades later is a genteel woman horrified that someone suggested solving a problem (dealing with a leak, maybe?) by using a bucket, and her thought is “Really, did one look the sort of person who would have a bucket?”

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Ok, that is funny!
        I am enjoying reading the book, but I can see I wouldn’t have enjoyed it in the 20s. I will definitely check her other books.

      3. Emily*

        I wasn’t aware of Barbara Pym, but this description is making me want to give her books a try! I love getting unexpected book recommendations from AAM readers.

        I’ve found that for me, some works are more obviously funny (like Shakespeare, or Jane Austen) when they’re read out loud or performed. I saw more comedy in Pride and Prejudice after watching the BBC miniseries.

        1. fposte*

          I may have asked this before when I was contemplating doing this, but anybody had any experience with digitizing the family photos? I’m going to at least try to do them at home, so there’s going to be a two-scanner approach–one the fast feeder, another the flatbed for glued-in album pages. The hardware has been a bit of a saga in its own right, since there are unmentioned accessories that need to be bought and apparently flatbed makers gave up on Macs several OSes ago. But it should be together next week, if I’m lucky, and I’ll start with the side of the still-living nonagenarian aunts and uncles so they can see the old stuff ASAP. But with the fast scanner it almost seems easier just to run all the photos through and sort them digitally rather than to curate 5% or whatever out pre-scan. Anybody have a thought about that?

    2. GoryDetails*

      Several books in progress, as usual, including:

      THE READERS’ ROOM by Antoin Lauraine (translated from the original French): about a woman who works at a publishing company where the manuscript-readers discovered an amazing new talent – but the author of the discovery is reclusive at best, and possibly sinister. Very quirky book so far, lots of humorous bits about the publishing industry, with hints as to what’s going on re the manuscript and its mysterious author – and the copycat crimes that may have been inspired by the manuscript.

      BEHIND THE MASK: a speculative-fiction anthology themed on superheroes and supervillains, with contributors including Seanan McGuire. I like seeing different spins on the masked-crusader/mad-scientist tropes.

      PENGUIN GENTLEMEN by Kishi Ueno: This one’s a manga with a quirky premise – a host club run by penguins masquerading as handsome men. So far it’s as much a treatise on different varieties of penguins and their traits as it is on the business proper; will find out whether there’s an actual plot as I read on!

      JAM by Yahtzee Croshaw: this is a re-listen of the audiobook, narrated by Croshaw himself. It’s a dark-comedy/horror novel about a swarm of flesh-devouring strawberry jam that demolishes Brisbane, with a handful of survivors attempting to avoid being consumed. Lots of humor here, especially regarding the “how would you behave in a science-fiction apocalypse” issues; one character’s eager to lead the charge into starting a new post-jam-pocalypse world, another is insistent that it’s a local phenomenon and they should wait for rescue, a third goes along with whoever he’s talked to last, a fourth wants to document everything at all costs… and then there are the mysterious Americans, giving their names only as X and Y, who clearly know more than they’re telling. [Oh, and Mary, the Goliath Bird-eater spider!]

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I like Pym, but her other books are funnier (that’s just considered her best). Assume a wry sense of humor, though. More thoughtful than laugh out loud.

      If you like Pym, I recommend E. M. Delafield’s Provincial Lady series, starting with Diary of a Provincial Lady. They’re fictional, but based on her life.

      I’m reading Murder at Teal’s Pond, about the unsolved mystery that inspired Twin Peaks.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          But it did take me forever to realize that “inappropriate articles of bedroom ware” in 1929 was a reference to chamber pots, which older houses like hers would still have.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks! The book is available at the library so I’ll pick it up tomorrow. And I will definitely try other books by Barbara Pym. I do enjoy her writing.

    4. Turtle Dove*

      Like you, I didn’t find Excellent Women funny, but I did enjoy it. Maybe it reflected the humor of that era; it was first published in 70 years ago.

      I’m reading the second book in the Joe Gunther series by Archer Mayor. I really enjoyed Open Season, the first one. I’ve also been rereading my favorite Dick Francis books.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Just finished “Yolk” by Mary H. K. Choi, it was good but I didn’t enjoy it as much as “Permanent Record.” The MC makes a lot of choices that are so self-destructive it’s difficult to read at times.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just recently finished Matthew Reilly’s Jack West series, which is sort of Indiana Jones, if he brought his whole family and all his friends along, saving the world? I don’t know how to describe it, but they were very much the kind of thing that Dan Brown was aiming for (puzzles, conspiracy theories, history/antiquities, one guy against the Establishment) and didn’t manage. I really enjoyed the series.

      Currently I’m on a biography of Winston Churchill’s wife, Clementine (which is also the title of the book), and that’s fascinating.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Finished the last Murderbot book. I adore Murderbot, a highly lethal android who hacks its governor module, pretends everything is normal, and spends its time watching the Netflix back catalogue interspersed with needing to rescue the humans around it. Fast paced, unusual protagonist.

      Rereading the second Scholomance novel.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m patiently waiting for the first Murderbot to become available at my library. I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meantime, but I am looking forward to discovering this series.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It’s lovely. And while each story is self-contained*, I was glad I read them in order. The first four novellas form a connected narrative, with a full adventure in one location with separate cast for each.

          * I really hate reading a book that builds up to “And with the cave collapsing around them… tune in a few years from now when the sequel comes out!”

    8. E. Chauvelin*

      I’m reading Dolphin House by Audrey Shulman when I have easy access to my home desktop, where the protected e-galley lives, and The Hidden Palace by Helene Wecker when I don’t, both very good. I completely failed to realize that I’d already read another one of Audrey Shulman’s books several years ago when I requested the e-galley.

    9. Jackalope*

      I’m in the middle of multiple books right now. I’m almost done with The Menopause Manifesto by Jen Gunter; I strongly recommend it for anyone coming up on or in the middle of the menopause transition (I’m in my early 40s so still have awhile to go but it’s nice to have an idea about what will be coming up).

      I also finished Courtney Milan’s Once Upon a Marquess last night (something of a bad life choice; I should have known that, “I’ll just start this book an hour before bedtime, I’m sure I’ll be able to put it down and go to sleep,” was me lying to myself!), and had fun with it. It’s the first book of a series of hers that I haven’t read yet, and I was glad to be able to start it up. (Plus, I’d previously read a short story about this book’s main character’s best friend, and the main character from this book made some appearances that were somewhat cryptic to me. I went back and reread that story [now hours after my bedtime] and enjoyed understanding them for the first time.)

      Lastly (or at least I’ll leave it here for now), I’ve been reading Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Boys quartet, and I finished book 3 this week. I have book 4 and haven’t started it yet but I’m planning to… early next week, perhaps? I love this series and I enjoy her writing, but I find it’s not the kind I can binge read even when I’m truly adoring it. The characters are all so quirky and real, and I like them all. Even the obnoxious ones like Ronan, whom I pretty thoroughly disliked at the beginning.

    10. Emma2*

      I am reading Sitting Pretty: The View from My Ordinary Resilient Disabled Body by Rebekah Taussig. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I cannot recall the last book I read written by a person with a disability (have I read any? I remember reading Jean Little’s works as a child, but cannot think of anything since then). I am finding the book interesting and engaging, and there are definitely moments that make me stop and think about how I might act and respond in a situation.

      1. Bluebell*

        Read Golem Girl – excellent autobiography by a disabled artist. I liked sitting pretty too, but Golem Girl was fantastic.

        1. Emma2*

          Thank you! Golem Girl was not on my radar, but I just looked it up and it looks really interesting. I have added it to my TBR list.

          1. Bluebell*

            Also- it’s fiction, but I just finished How Lucky by Will Leitch and it was terrific. Main character has SMA and is in a wheelchair.

    11. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Jazz by Toni Morrison. I received four of her books for Christmas. Her prose has a style that has taken me a bit to get used to, but she’s drawing me in and teaching me.

    12. the cat's ass*

      Pym can be sort of … austere. One of her contemporaries, the late great Mary Wesley is tons more accessible and is great fun. Her biography (“Wild Mary”) is also great reading.

    13. LadyHouseOfLove*

      I’m reading Angel of the Crows by Katherine Addison. I fell in love with her worldbuilding skills in the Goblin Emperor. She did an equally amazing job with this paranormal universe where Sherlock Holmes is an angel and where angels can cause a nuclear blast when they Fall.

    14. Sparkly Librarian*

      Once Upon a River, by Diane Setterfield
      I needed something “Gothic” for a reading challenge — in this story, the looming thing isn’t a house, but the Thames. There’s an eerie cast over it — an unnamed child who doesn’t speak and might belong to one of a number of families who have lost a child, pre-telephonic age spreading news via word of mouth and newspaper advertisement.

      Thirteen Doorways, Wolves Behind Them All, by Laura Ruby
      Haven’t finished this one. It’s a ghost story, apparently (narrator is revealed to be dead very early on), set at least in the beginning in a city orphanage during the early 1940s.

      The Growing Summer, by Noel Streatfeild
      One of those charming midcentury novels of plucky British children left to their own devices, with shades of E. Nesbit. I appreciated that this one called out a lot of “mother’s work” that was largely (expected to be) invisible, such as how going on a “caravan holiday” meant that Mother did all the same cooking and cleaning work, only with more bother and less familiar surroundings, rather than being able to relax and have fun. When the kids were left alone in the house, they had to work out laundry and shopping and cooking and washing up between them.

      Duma Key, by Stephen King
      I’m a big Stephen King fan, and this is a big Stephen King book. I realized partway through that I’d never read this one! I think I must have skimmed or started it and never finished, because only the first chapter seemed vaguely familiar. Definitely some creepy points, but it mostly explored the relationships of characters, significance of (geographical) place, and how the narrator handled recovery from an arm amputation and traumatic brain injury. It could also have fit the Gothic category.

      The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell: Tales of a 6′ 4″, African American, Heterosexual, Cisgender, Left-Leaning, Asthmatic, Black and Proud Blerd, Mama’s Boy, Dad, and Stand-Up Comedian, by W. Kamau Bell
      I couldn’t get through the first full chapter. The whole introduction seemed like he assumed everyone wanted to know how he got to where he is… but I don’t know any of his work. I picked up the book because he’s a local author, the title was amusing, and I thought a comedian’s memoir would be funny. If you’re not already a Bell fan, I recommend Samantha Irby’s We Are never Meeting in Real Life instead.

      Birdie and Me, by J. M. M. Nuanez
      Middle-grade fiction about siblings finding family support. Big sis Jack looks out for her little brother Birdie, whose fabulous sense of style is not appreciated by his classmates or teacher. Recently orphaned, they bounce between uncles who aren’t much like their mother and either don’t connect with them or can’t handle the responsibility of raising kids.

      The Kitchen Front, by Jennifer Ryan
      For fans of Home Fires, Land Girls, or Wartime Kitchen and Garden: a well-researched novel that pits four English women of varying circumstance against each other in a cooking contest that could change the winner’s life. A war widow with three sons, her estranged sister whose well-to-do marriage is strained, a timid kitchen maid (and the cook she sees as a mother figure), and a chef evacuated from London are all jumbled together in a WWII slice of life.

      Infinite Stars: Dark Frontiers: The Definitive Anthology of Space Opera, edited by Bryan Thomas Schmidt
      Another slot in the reading challenge is “space opera”. I’d planned to re-read some of the Honor Harrington series, but came across David Weber’s short story in this anthology while putting those on hold. Short story collections can be hit-or-miss, but at least the boring ones are over soon. Still working my way through and enjoying it.

    15. Slinky*

      Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino. Kirino is a great writer but tends to focus on the darker side of humanity. This book is no exception. I’m also reading Surviving a Borderline Parent at my therapist’s recommendation. It has been enlightening.

    16. Noxalas*

      Shady Hollow by Juneau Black. A cozy murder mystery set in a small woodland community populated by anthropomorphic animals. The main character is a fox named Vera Vixen who works in an old-fashioned newsroom, and a big portion of the town is employed by the local beaver lumber magnate. It was quick and light.

    17. Good Golly Miss Molly*

      I received a copy of The Green Rider by Kristen Britain for Christmas. It the first book in a series. It is fantasy and I’m enjoying it so far.

    18. Jamie Starr*

      Just finished “The Electric Hotel.” It uses the history of film, starting with the Lumiere brothers, as a framework. I thought it was kind of boring.

      I’m about half way through “Songbirds” (Christy Lefteri), which I’m enjoying so far.

    20. Double A*

      Barbara Pym is one of my favorites! She’s not like laugh out loud funny, but she is humorous in an observational way. My favorite thing about her is that she writes about everyday people who don’t do anything exciting. I actually was introduced to her in college and loved her in my 20s. I’ve read almost all her books; my favorite is Quartet in Autumn. That one is more melancholy than most of hers, but it’s so lovely.

      Also I loved that Becky Chambers series; I’m waiting on the last book from my library. The next book in the series, A Closed and Common Orbit, is my favorite so far.

      I just finished Klara and the Sun, and it was lovely.

      I’m finishing up Ministry for the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson; I read most of it a few months ago but the ebook for yoinked before I finished so I just got it again. It’s nice to read a book with a vision of how humans could realistically deal with climate change.

      I’m also re-reading Middlemarch; I’m reading it on between other books or when I’m waiting on library books. I’ve read it enough times I can dip in and out, but even so often times I just want to keep going! It gets more compelling every time I read it.

    21. Marion Ravenwood*

      The Windsor Knot – essentially the Queen investigates a murder at Windsor Castle. It’s not quite as light as I was expecting and the humour is perhaps slightly more wry, but I am enjoying it so far.

    22. Anonymous Luddite*

      First and foremost: I -adored- Chambers’ Wayfarers series. Absolute undiluted hope-punk.

      To actually answer your question:
      Just finished Rebecca Roanhorse’s Trail of Lightning which was Yet Another Badass Lady Monster Killer, now with a Navajo backdrop.

      Currently reading Joe Abercrombie’s The Blade Itself which is a delightful high fantasy with excellent character driven narrative. It’s quite a relief compared to other *cough*GRRM*cough* popular fantasy this season.

  29. SSNRI Question*

    Hopefully this won’t be considered asking for medical advice…to be clear, I’m not asking whether or not I should be taking this medication, just about people’s experiences.

    Yesterday I took the first dose of a med that has been prescribed to me for anxiety and depression. It was unpleasant (dizziness, fatigue, nausea, headache). Is it normal to have mild side effects to start with that gradually go away as I get used to it? Or if I have side effects now, are they likely to stick around? I take a medication for nerve pain (fibromyalgia) and yikes the first few weeks were rough but I gradually got over a lot of those side effects (plus I take that at night, so I sleep off the remaining ones). Thank you!

    1. Not A Manager*

      This is not medical advice, this is my personal experience. When several family members were started on SSRIs, the docs also prescribed a short term anti-anxiety med to take for the first few weeks to alleviate those side-effects.

      I’m not saying you should demand that of your doc, but if you let the doc know you’re having these issues, he or she might have a good way to manage them. Also I assume you are titrating up and haven’t been started on the full dose.

      1. SSNRI Question*

        Yes I’m starting at the lowest dose possible. After a week I’m supposed to increase it, but I’m sensitive to meds anyway (based on many past experiences) that I think I’ll stay on the lower dose longer than that. If I’m still feeling this lousy on Monday I will reach out to my doctor and ask how long I should tolerate side effects before determining this is not a med for me.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, these types of meds need to be slowly increased over time, not full dose at the start.
        I got sick on these meds because the doc didn’t know that. Also, my side effects slowly got worse over time – so slowly, I didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until months into it and the meds made me obese! I had to stop taking the meds.
        I hope you have much better luck.

    2. mreasy*

      Side effects like dizziness, nausea, and headache are super common for the first couple of weeks with an SSRI or similar, not a doctor but have been on a ton of em. These do go away.

    3. Coenobita*

      In my personal experience, yes, absolutely, the side effects have always subsided after a week or two. Personally, my main symptoms are dizziness and/or headache – I have taken the same SSRI for quite a while but have changed doses and gone off of it/back on a few times over the years. After my most recent dose change, I noticed side effects for about a week before they went away. Good luck! Personally I find the dizziness to be the hardest to deal with (my brain says: this feels like low blood sugar! you need to eat!! and I have to remind myself that no, actually, that’s not what’s going on, this is not an excuse to eat a bunch of sugary snacks).

    4. Tris Prior*

      I had terrible nausea and no appetite when I first went on an SSRI. Also VERY high physical anxiety symptoms. It slowly got better during the first few weeks, the first week was the worst. It eventually went away and now I’m fine.

      1. SSNRI Question*

        The physical anxiety symptoms were BAD yesterday, but I wasn’t sure if it was purely a side effect or actual anxiety over starting a new med.

    5. RagingADHD*

      When I started an SNRI, I had off and on headache and a pretty unpleasant upset stomach for 1-2 weeks, as well as disrupted sleep and bizarre, vivid dreams that left me unsettled the next day. Not nightmares, just…wierd. The dreams & sleep issues tapered off after the first week and seemed gone after a month.

    6. Come On Eileen*

      Yes, it’s been pretty normal in my personal experience. Your symptoms are what happened to me when I started taking Lexapro. Ridiculously tired and headachy for WEEKS. It gets better though and then the meds start working.

    7. Felis alwayshungryis*

      When I started on sertraline, I was warned that there could be a few crappy side effects – things like nausea, insomnia, etc., while it did its thing with my brain chemistry. Happily all I had was a few nights of rubbish sleep and a bit of tiredness (plus a late period, which itself made me a bit anxious!), but I understand it’s generally normal to feel a bit crap for up to a couple of weeks.

      But it’s probably worth checking in with your doctor to be sure.

      1. fposte*

        I used to make this great ricotta gnocchi recipe; the extras froze wonderfully. I need to go back to do that one again.

  31. Hotdog not dog*

    How to find a counselor/therapist?
    My spouse is going through a difficult time. I’m trying to convince him that counseling could be a good idea.
    Short version, both of his parents died recently, within weeks of one another. Their affairs were not in order despite the fact that they were both in their 90s. He and his siblings aren’t able to agree on anything, and the grief and anger is seeping through in all aspects of their lives.
    Should I be looking for a grief counselor specifically, or more of a generalist? (It seems that the grief is just the match that lit the fuse; the issues they’re having were already there.) I’ve already reached out to my company’s EAP and am waiting for a list of potential counselors in my area they said they will email me.
    I’m aware that he would need to make a decision for therapy on his own, I’m just trying to encourage him to try it and help with logistics.
    What are some resources to help determine what kind of therapy we should seek? Adding to the complexity, one sibling is disabled and had been dependent on my in laws for support. We would also like to find resources for him. He’s not receiving any kind of benefits- they’ve literally been caring for him with their own resources for his entire life. He’s never had a job, received benefits, or paid taxes. For now he’s living with another sibling, but that’s not sustainable. None of us has the financial resources to support him, and their parents didn’t leave much behind. (As you might guess, the lack of preparation to care for the sibling is a major cause of everyone’s stress.)
    *the disability is both physical and mental. Had he received help at the appropriate time, he probably could have been independent. However, he’s in his 60s and not likely to be able to change.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      I’m so sorry for your and your spouse’s loss, and that things are playing out in such a difficult way. In terms of counseling for your spouse, my 2c: therapy also isn’t all-or-nothing. Your spouse can try a grief counselor, and then decide that he actually wants to be able to focus more on the family issues and switch providers. Your spouse can also set up trial appointments with a few different providers and see whose style he prefers; this can be annoying work up front, but it can also be helpful to get a sense of what therapy is like and then decide if, for instance, he prefers a psychoanalytic-talking-about-your-life sort of style or more structured CBT. You probably don’t *need* a grief counselor specifically, but if he finds that he’s not getting the support he needs in that area from a more generalist counselor, he can always switch.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Thank you! I’m really hoping to hit the mark on the first try, as my husband is only partially in favor of therapy at all. It’s only because his parents left such a mess (financially, emotionally, and physically- we are also stuck cleaning out a hoarded house) and the siblings are all rehashing every past grievance that he’s entertaining the idea.
        For what it’s worth, several of us did see it coming but there wasn’t any way to prevent it.

    2. bibliovore*

      I’ve got to say that for me the grief counselor saved my life.
      It took me 3 tries to get to him. (first two not helpful)
      One of the reasons is he is a problem solver.
      I jokingly call him my grief counselor/concierge- he gives me scripts to deal with siblings and in-laws and work situations. He gives advice how to continue to care for a disabled in-law in another state (that my husband was responsible because reasons) and services available for a 68 year-old. Advice on grieving while working. etc. etc.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Bibliovore, it was one of your posts mentioning your grief counselor that gave me the idea that my husband might benefit from speaking with one!
        He is resistant to therapy in general, but when I mentioned that maybe a grief counselor, being situational, would feel more like having a consultant than a therapist. He agreed!
        So I owe you and your grief counselor a big thank you for helping to open that door!

        1. bibliovore*

          I hope this isn’t too late. a book that I highly recommend is This Thing Called Grief. It is not dense and very practical. skip to the last chapter.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      This all sounds really hard and I’m sorry to hear it. My suggestion is to avoid narrowing your search when it sounds like there are multiple intersecting issues. If you specifically search out a grief therapist, this may be limiting in growing into whatever areas your spouse may need help with. I would instead look for someone who is more of a generalist.

      In the past I relied on referrals but a few years ago when I was seeking a new therapist, I just searched online with some keywords that mattered to me. I did only one session with the first one I found because we weren’t a good match, but the second one turned out to be fantastic.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Thank you so much. I’m giving myself pressure thinking we have to find the right resource on the first try, and I know that’s just not true.
        Ordinarily my husband doesn’t “believe in” therapy, but I think he’s reached the point where he’s willing to give it an honest try.
        Right now all the siblings are grieving and angry, and it’s preventing them from getting things done.

    4. WellRed*

      Are you able to locate resources to deal with the practical and financial stuff and disabled sibling? That will help, too. It’s more complicated the way the parents handled this, but I imagine the sib may qualify for services, disability, possible SSI benefits.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        We’re trying, but because he’s never had a job or a driver’s license, paid taxes, or been formally evaluated for disability, it’s been challenging.
        I actually deal with financial stuff, including estate work, for a living, and my SIL works for an insurance company. We could both help, but the eldest son, who is the executor, also doesn’t think any of that is “women’s work.” So we’re letting Mr. Genius figure all that out on his own.

    5. Sunshine*

      Psychology today has a list of providers in your area. So many behavioral health providers have waitlists but a decent provider will offer a 15 minute consultation. Getting an idea of their approach and what a session consists of can help. Google “questions to ask a potential counselor

    6. RC Rascal*

      I am sorry to hear of your situation. I had to leave my Big Job in 2020 when my mentally ill mother was diagnosed with cancer and refused to go to the doctor. She was also hoarding and left me with a giant mess. I am an only child so I was stuck with it all. The silver lining was that as an only, it was all my decisions. When you have this kind of mess plus siblings, infighting is natural. Adding a disabled sibling magnifies it. Self Neglectors, which includes hoarding, live their life in denial so it is not surprising no arrangements were made.

      While you are asking about grief counseling, it might be more actionable to find people first who can help address the immediate issues and do the grief counseling later (that’s what I did). There are free lance social workers who can help you navigate the system with respect to the disabled sibling. I hired one when it became apparent my mother was hoarding and was completely unwilling to go to the doctor despite being very ill. Relatives were well meaning, but they DID NOT GET IT. (Relative: Can’t you just buy a box of trash bags and pick things up? Me: No, the house is infested with snakes and on the verge of needing to be condemned. Relative: Huh?) The social worker’s advice was invaluable.

      You might try contacting Adult Protective Services on behalf of the sibling. They have a lot of resources. I worked with them with my mother and there was a lot of information available even though most of it was not actionable for me because my mother was so uncooperative.

      Find a good estate attorney. There are some with a background in Social Work; I would recommend looking for one to help you navigate. You will also need a good accountant but that might come later.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Just my opinion and take it with a grain of salt.

      Let’s say I am sitting in my house and it is fully engulfed in flames. My BFF thinks that getting counseling for the loss of the house would be a good thing for me. But remember I am STILL sitting in the house that is on fire.

      In times of crisis it’s more to the point to deal with the actual matters. Then later, go for therapy to work through the grief and the trauma that happened during and after the main event causing the grief.

      I’d suggest trying to find a mediator for the overall problems. Perhaps they can agree on a person to mediate. Interestingly, this could be a relative who everyone loves and respects, it might not have to be a paid professional.

      The sibling with disabilities can receive services as a protected adult. If I were him I would try to get the siblings to agree on getting a case worker for the sib with disabilities. I assume this case worker would line up options for the family to chose from.

      I went for grief counseling when my father passed and I was trying to do his estate. The counselor wanted to talk about things in the distant past, my relationship with my husband, etc. I could see it was going to be a long and protracted process with no conclusion in the near future. My house was on fire and this counselor was UNable to move quickly or agilely to get me out of my burning house. I had lawyers, banks, debt collectors calling every day and this dude wanted to talk about something from when I was 5 y/o. What a waste of my time and money.

      My suggestion is to use your EAP to get a recs for a good mediator to help find solutions the family can agree on and to help find a case worker to get the sib over to their new permanent home.

      You will know when the dust is settling, then go back in on the grief counseling idea with your hubby.

      As a spouse who had my own version of this deep doo-doo, thank you for being so very aware that your spouse needs multiple forms of support through this difficult time. Over the long run it will make a difference that you understood and tried to take supportive steps.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        That’s very insightful. Another way of looking at it is as if you were trying to do physiotherapy before the broken bone had been set.

        If the siblings aren’t amenable to mediation, I’d suggest a counsellor with expertise in family issues. That can also be like hiring a consultant – they can give insight and tools for dealing with family conflicts, which can be messy and long seated. The counsellor will have seen multiple variations of the situation, and have a broader perspective.

      2. RC Rascal*

        Excellent analysis.

        One point to add: Look into your what your options are in case the sibling serving as Executor boots the ball. You mention he is dismissing your input and this is a red flag. There is a lot to untangle and it requires tenacity and good problem solving. His attitude is troubling.

        Also: Hoarders will also hoard cash money. Not sure if you are still sorting through the house or not but I recommend figuring out a way for a small group of family members to do this in a methodical fashion. I found nearly $10k cash in my mother’s hoard. There was money in every old wallet, purse, coat pocket, greeting card, cigar box, etc.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        I can see how your counselor was no help with that approach when you were dealing with so much. For Hotdog Not Dog, I think there are therapists out there who can be helpful at responding to what’s going on in the moment and be a support with the mess one’s in rather than a detraction by diving into ancient history.

  32. New CR Fan*

    Any Critical Role (podcast) fans out there? I have a question for you. After having heard about CR multiple times, and tried another D&D podcast or two, I finally broke down and started listening recently. So far I’m enjoying it and want to continue, but it’s obviously going to take me ages to be able to make it through all of the episodes. So here’s my question: I started at episode 1 and am going through the first Arc, but I know there are live episodes being recorded now and it also seems appealing to be able to listen to those. Would it throw things off too much to spend a bit of time trying to get myself up to speed on the current adventure (which looks to have 11-12 episodes right now) and then be able to listen to the new episode each week when it’s released? Or would that be okay? I don’t want to spoil everything earlier, but it would also be nice to know what’s happening right now and not feel like I”m *only* playing catch-up. Any thoughts?

    1. Aealias*

      The three campaigns are almost entirely unconnected. So if your question is, “can I simultaneously continue to listen to campaign 1 and ALSO watch the weekly twitch stream for campaign 3”, that’s entirely doable. I personally find it tough to fully engage with both plot lines simultaneously, but that’s mostly a function of my binging tendencies. There is also a distinct pacing difference between early campaign and mid-campaign, which I think also affects my engagement.

      I’ve been working my way through back catalogue for better than two years now, and am still mid-way through campaign two, so I DON’T recommend trying to finish all the previous adventures before jumping into current content. One nice thing about campaign three is that they’re taking… I think it’s every fourth week off? Which makes it easier to catch up.

      Also, the new Amazon Prime show Legends of Vox Machina is a re-write of a MAJOR plot-thread from campaign one, so it’s joyous but spoilerific if you haven’t year listened to the first…6 months or so (?) of campaign one.

      1. New CR fan*

        Okay, good to know. I agree with you on the trying to engage with two stories at once. I’d kind of had the idea that I’d take a break from Season 1 for a bit to get caught up on the new story line (more doable since there are only… 11 or so right now?) and just hit that one as hard as I can until I’m caught up, then go back to Season 1 and start chipping away at that again. (Although I’m currently in the middle of what sounds to be a possible TPK in Season 1 so I might need to get a little further…)

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      Go for it! The three campaigns have some clever little in-jokes for people who know each of them, but there’s no necessary information lost by picking and choosing.
      Another thing is, the three campaigns are VERY different in vibe and emotional tone. I am a Mighty Nein person (haha, my username kind of says that) – I love their tatterdemalion desperation, their cagey co-dependent grief-forged bonding and impostor syndrome. Vox Machina is interesting and I love some of them very dearly, but the dynamics stress me out in a strange way. And I haven’t really clicked with the new folk. So if you try a different campaign and it just doesn’t feel the same and/or you don’t like it as well, it’s not just your imagination!

  33. 2QS*

    Seeking cookbook recommendations for people with limited diets. My reasons are chiefly “I have chronic health issues” and “I don’t want to eat meat.” The combination is basically “vegan, low FODMAP, no nuts.”

    Being this careful means that I feel much better. By this point, though, my meals are getting pretty dull and repetitious. I know almost nothing about cookbooks because there are so few I could make good use of that I’ve never paid much attention. Would love to hear about any that people like that overlap with at least some of my restrictions, if anything comes to mind!

    1. argh*

      That’s a hard needle to thread. I’m curious what you do for protein. My kid is FODMAP, but can eat animal protein and nuts, but not rice, so I’m aware of some of the restrictions. My advice is to go to a library, take out a ton of cookbooks, and look through them for what appeals/matches what you can eat. *one* recipe from each cookbook is a huge success! Write that one down in your own personal cookbook. Also, think about how to sub things out – eg chicken parmigiana isn’t going to work for you, but subbing out eggplant + protein for chicken and vegan cheese for cheese might work. In fact I’m going to the library today to pick up a book on recipes chickpea flour, to see if that has anything useful. Just realize it’ll take time, and experimenting. Also, think about what you’re missing and how to fix that. My kid is a teenager, and really misses “teenage junk food”, so we eventually found that home-made pizza with buckwheat (buckwheat is not a grain, actually a cousin to rhubarb) flour & vegan cheese filled that niche. If you’re missing baked goods, but eat almonds (not sure if “no nuts” includes almonds) paleo recipes might fill that, but they include eggs. (if you eat almond & eggs highly recommend Tarta de Santiago, or chocolate souffle for desserts). But, embrace your library, explore world cuisines. Good luck, food restrictions are really rough.

    2. Generic Name*

      That sounds like a very restricted diet. I agree about the concern about a protein source. I would talk to a dietician, honestly.

    3. Reba*

      From a friend’s experience I understand that east Asian cuisines with some tweaks can be great for fodmap needs! I am really loving the cookbook EAST by Meera Sodha, which is all veg/vegan. I have not tried but have been eyeing THE KOREAN VEGAN by Joanne Lee Molinaro as well.

      There’s also RUFFAGE by Abra Berens — it’s not strictly vegan, but the way it goes vegetable by vegetable might be helpful for building out new ideas for those things you know you can eat.

      Public library is such a great tip!

      As a longtime vegetarian I guess I have just accepted that most cookbooks contain a lot of things I won’t use, lol.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Same on the vegetarian front. I have a lot of cookbooks that require adaptations or just have sections I don’t use.

        I do love Japanese Cooking: Contemporary & Traditional by Miyoki Shimoto Schinner. It’s vegan & a lot of her recipes are adaptable.

        I like to check cookbooks out of the library to look through the recipes before I decide to buy them.

        I also like The Food Substitutions Bible. It gives nice descriptions of ingredients & how to replace them. (Not always possible, but I like seeing flavor profiles, so I understand how an ingredient works in a recipe.)

        As someone who became a vegetarian almost 30 years ago, my advice is to be fearless about adapting recipes on your own. And take notes. My cookbooks have writing all over them.

    4. Coenobita*

      If there’s a particular type of food that you like and that makes you feel good, maybe try finding a cookbook that has a bunch of ideas for that one ingredient? Like eggs, for example, or greens or tofu or whatever. There are specialty cookbooks or recipe sites for just about anything out there! Even if not all the recipes will work for you as written, they might spark some inspiration for livening up your meal rotation.

      1. Coenobita*

        Oh, and I definitely second the library idea. If a particular cookbook turns out to be super useful, you can always buy it later.

    5. La Donna*

      I love making dishes from the Mediterranean Dish (blog) and this cookbook called Jeruselum. Amazing recipes full of fresh herbs and spices, and lots of veggie dishes too. Some have allergins but you can easily substitute or eliminate those.

      I’m a huge fan of making my own hummus, if you can do legumes.

      On the Mediterranean Dish blog, look up “batata harra” – they’re spicy middle eastern potatoes and they are by far one of the most flavorful dishes I’ve ever made. You can sub it with sweet pots if you have a nightshade allergy.

      I also make a lot of soups, and my favorite is currently the following (I don’t follow a recipe, just my own creation): garlic, onion, carrots, celery, broth, coconut milk, lemon juice, and spinach. I cook the garlic/onion first in olive oil, add the carrots/celery, then add the broth. Let simmer for a while, add the spinach, then right at the end add the coconut milk and spinach. Hot tip: I wouldn’t use the low fat coconut milk, tastes like s.

    6. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m really enjoying The Happy Pear at the moment, they have lots of very doable YouTube videos and also cookbooks. They do exclusively plant based and are extremely practical about substitutions and cooking in general. That said, I know little about low FODMAP, so I have no idea if that fits.

      Forewarning: they have lots of energy, which took me a bit to get used to. I recommend starting with something that isn’t one of their 5 minute recipe races.

    7. Suprisingly ADHD*

      There are websites where you can enter what you have in your kitchen, and it gives recipes that use only those ingredients. For example, myfridgefood(dot)com. I’ve had success in the past finding new recipes that way, but I haven’t used any sites long-term so I don’t know how useful that might be for you.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve been on the low FODMAP diet and while it’s not a book, there are a lot of recipes on the website FODMAP Everyday. I haven’t personally tried them, though.

    9. SofiaDeo*

      Try Frances Moore Lappe’s “Diet for a Small Planet” and “Recipes for a Small Planet” for recipes and ideas. There’s some nuts and dairy in a number of the recipes so those would have to be modified, but there’s a lot of others and they are designed to get maximum plant protein benefits.

    10. Double A*

      I think she has a cookbook but I don’t have it, but I would check out Minimalist Baker. Her stuff is almost all vegan, and she has a lot of very limited ingredient recipes. You won’t be able to eat everything she makes, but I think you might be able to find some recipes that would at least give you a little more variety.

    11. anonagain*

      Low-FODMAP and Vegan by Joanne Stepaniak. I don’t have it anymore so I can’t check how many recipes are nut-free.

  34. TinaTurner*

    I’d verify that my existing med is compatible w/the new one. A doctor shocked me by not knowing that grapefruit juice can affect how a drug works; when I asked about that, she made a snarky reply, as if she’d never heard of it. So check your prescription.

    1. UKDancer*

      Yeah grapefruits are weird. My father (organ transplant recipient) isn’t allowed them. One of my cousins had chemo and radio for cancer and she wasn’t allowed them during treatment. They do something weird to a lot of different medications for some reason. I think it’s definitely worthwhile checking.

      1. Sue*

        As I recall there’s an enzyme in grapefruits that gets broken down the same place in the liver as a lot of medicaments meaning it takes up all the space in your liver meaning no space for your medicine to get broken down meaning you inadvertently overdose your medicine.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I find that frightening.

      I had a doc who didn’t know that the oral erythromycin I was taking for acne could somehow conflict with my migraine meds – which he was also prescribing.

      My current doc told me to stop taking BCP immediately, even though I told him his predecessor would prescribe for me. “You’re over 50 and you’re a migraineur. You could die!”

      I appreciate my current doc.

    3. SSNRI Question*

      I’m not sure if this was for me, but if it was-thanks! I did check with the specialist who prescribes my other meds and my pharmacist for how to safely take both.

    4. WS*

      This is a job for a pharmacist! They can check your meds for you if you’re worried or uncertain. (The thing about grapefruit is that the same enzyme that processes grapefruit is also one that processes a large number of medications, so weird interactions ahoy, especially but not only a lot of cholesterol drugs.)

  35. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Gas stations: self service vs attendant

    From reading on social media here and there it seems like the ones where you aren’t allowed to self-serve are very unpopular. Why is that?

    (FWIW I’m in a state with no self-service, it doesn’t bother me very much but just wondering what it is about having an attendant that people seem to dislike)?

    1. fueled by coffee*

      I don’t particularly mind it, but coming from a self-service state, I have no clue how I’m supposed to socially manage the interaction! Every single time I have to google whether or not I’m supposed to tip.

        1. Lady Danbury*

          It’s standard procedure to tip in my country where all of the gas stations have attendants. But I can’t speak to etiquette in the US.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        When I was a kid, my grandma owned a Shell station in northern Wisconsin. It was so fun! The mechanics would break into the coke machine for my siblings and me and give us free soda.

        My (German) grandma had us clean the bathrooms. She somehow convinced us it was fun.

        This was back in the day when apparently, people weren’t nasty in public restrooms? This was also in a very small rural community where everyone knew everyone else, so I guess there was some degree of accountability.

      2. Charlotte Lucas*

        Midwesterner here. The last full-service station I remember seeing was in the 90s. By the time I was learning to drive in the 80s, you had a choice of going to a full or self service pump at many stations. And you never tipped, but you might have the attendant keep the change if you asked them to fill it up instead of to give a set dollar amount of gas.

        I kind of miss full service. It was nice to stay in your car during bad weather or not have to deal with the mess if you were dressed up for something. And it was convenient for people who where traveling with small kids. My mom fell at a gas station a few years back, and she definitely misses full service now.

        I hate the trend to prepay. Gas pumps are a major way that people steal credit card data, so I avoid paying at the pump as much as possible.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I have, but I’m old; it was in the ’70s. Locally owned station. They’d pump the gas and clean the windshields.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Heh! I grew up with old-style full-service attendants – they’d pump the gas, wash the windshields, ask if we wanted the oil checked or the tires topped up, the whole thing. No tipping involved as far as I recall, though a “keep the change” may have occurred. (As a kid I didn’t pay much attention to the finder points of paying for things.)

      By the time I had my own car, most places where I lived/drove had switched to nearly-all-self-serve, and I got used to that very quickly – to the point where, on a visit to a no-self-serve state, I was flabbergasted to have the attendant rush out and urge me away from the pump and back into my car! (At that point I noticed all the signage. I honestly hadn’t realized that no-self-serve was a thing.) That was many years ago, and from that day to this I’ve never encountered another such situation – except for one: I’d run low on gas while in a town just far enough from home that I decided to stop at the first gas station I saw rather than risk getting stuck. And lo! at a perfectly typical-looking gas station in Massachusetts, the attendant came up and insisted on filling the tank for me. And I was uncomfortable. Just, you know, not used to it, and taken aback… If I spent a lot of time in areas with no-self-serve I expect I’d get used to it soon enough (even though these days it doesn’t seem to include all the other amenities), but I really like being able to do it myself – and in most cases it goes faster that way, as I don’t have to wait for an attendant, wait to pay, etc. FWIW.

    4. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I think it’s both the unnecessary step of needing to be served on something I can manage myself, and the minor social interaction required…I prefer to make getting gas as fast and uncomplicated as possible and it doesn’t need extra people involved. It’s like the old joke, how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One…one should be the answer.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Yes, like I could’ve just done this quickly by myself but now I have to wait, and then interact, and then wait again? WHY.

        Last time I was in an area that doesn’t allow self-service, it turned out that the station I stopped at… didn’t have attendants after all? had really lazy attendants? I have no idea but I waited soooo long, read every sign in sight, and debated about searching for someone before finally just doing it myself while worrying the whole time that someone was going to come berate me for it. The next time I did have an attendant and it was just awkward, I’m not used to that type of service compared to say a cashier or a hair stylist so I just don’t navigate it as smoothly.

        The only benefit I can see is that it creates jobs?

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I was reading elsewhere that some places usually only have 1 or 2 people working the pumps and the store. So I can see it being super frustrating to have to wait for an attendant, for everyone involved.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        This! Unless the weather is very unpleasant, filling up the gas tank is an easy, uncomplicated task. It’s not going to be any faster having someone do it for me and it will likely be slower.

        I don’t know how it used to be, but now that you pay at the pump I see no disadvantage to doing it yourself.

        And I wouldn’t know how to interact with this person doing something I can and have always gone for myself.

        Right now if I drive up to a gas station and their CC readers are down, I’ll drive off. That extra is a waste of my time.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I live in a state with self-serve, but my go-to station is the full-service one across from the farm stand. The cost is comparable and for whatever reason, not having to do this one thing has an inordinate “Look, I crossed this task off the list and it wasn’t even hard!” feeling. Like, it shouldn’t be such a high for me but it is.

      Kind of like I had no strong thoughts about dental floss until I got a sample of Glide, and now that’s all I buy–the pleasure is way out of scale to what I would guess.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      Never been to one with an attendant, so I can’t truly compare.. I imagine because people feel that self-service is much faster? I spend literally may be 5 minutes at a gas station, never go inside, in and out.
      And it’s one of those things that I feel awkward to be serviced for. And how does the payment work at the non self- service? Do you still pay yourself? Or do you give your credit card to the attendant? I really don’t like to let go of my card, I wish American restaurants switched to the European system when they bring the machine to your table.

      1. Owler*

        In Oregon, the gas stations I’ve visited are not self-service. You wait in your car for the attendant to come to you, and then they ask what kind of gas you want. You hand them your card for them to swipe in the machine. It’s all very odd to me. I remember when “full service” meant that they checked your fluid levels (wiper and oil) and tire pressure while the gas was pumping into your car’s tank. THAT is full-service to me.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Interesting replies, thanks all!

      Personally I hate pumping gas. I tried to avoid it as much as possible by having my dad/husband/friend who I gave a ride to do the pumping (in the last case I would pay and he was happy to pump so it worked out) pump the gas.

      When I moved here, I was so happy to have attendants. It may be worth mentioning though that I live right across the street from a gas station, the attendants are usually really nice (I dont’ chitchat with them, beyond the friendly hello and have a great day) and have never had to wait long to be served. In fact the only time I’ve had to wait “long” was last week when I decided to fill the tank before the blizzard. and it literally was a minute long wait.

      1. WellRed*

        I loathe pumping gas but finally broke down and started about 10 years ago at age 40. It’s not my favorite chore, that’s for sure. I never found the transaction awkward at attendant stations. It’s simply a business exchange of cash or credit for service.

    8. HBJ*

      The times I’ve been to an attendant gas station, the cost has been more. I’ll save the money and do it myself.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Indeed, fellow Jersey gal! Young me was so confused when I first got gas in a state that WASN’T New Jersey. Like, I understood the principle of how you can put gas in the car yourself, but I was totally flummoxed by how to open the gas cap. I had to ask the dude at the gas station convenience store for help, and I was SO embarrassed.

    10. merope*

      One problem I ran into was that the attendant wouldn’t follow my instructions. I do not “round up” when filling my tank, and many attendants found that very difficult to understand. So, self-serve was easier. It has been YEARS since I was at a full serve station, though!

    11. RagingADHD*

      Slower and more expensive.

      When I lived in an area that had more either/or stations, I would sometimes splurge on full-service, especially if I didn’t feel well. But I was also on a very tight budget so those couple of dollars mattered.

      Around here it seems to be all self serve anyway.

    12. Kathenus*

      I personally love the change of pace of having an attendant in the remaining states with no self-serve (NJ and OR last I remembered) – because in these states the price is similar to that of self serve in other states – so it’s kind of a luxury. But in states with both, full serve tends to be really pricey so maybe that’s why some have expressed dislike? And as fueled by coffee mentions when it’s so unusual for most you do get into the wondering about tipping etiquette which is just one more thing to have to think about (at a time when most of us are just burnt out).

    13. Cardboard*

      I grew up in a state where you’re not allowed to pump your own gas. I didn’t know it was unusual until I moved, hated it at first but then I realized how much time you save by pumping your own. There is soooo muucchhh waiting at full service stations.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I grew up in the time of full service. Connecticut gradually changed over to self-serve. I remember my father driving around looking for a full service station.
      He grew up in Jersey and had strong feelings about pumping gas. “Do it FOR me!!” I am not sure I ever saw him pump his own gas. He passed away in the early 90s.
      When relatives come up from Jersey, I have to pump it for them. Some are actually scared to pump gas, because “it might blow up or something.”

      Someone mentioned self-serve being cheaper. If I recall correctly it was about 5 cents cheaper. People will do head stands to save pennies, honestly. Meanwhile companies were hugely interested in saving labor costs.

      One point I do not see mentioned here is a point my father made. He said that this forced the consumer to inhale dangerous gas fumes. I pushed back on that one with saying, “Oh so we should have designated people to get loaded up with toxins instead of spreading the toxin load out?” He had to go think about that.

      Pumps do have little rubber-like collars on the nozzle to protect the pumper from fumes. The problem I see there is that when I pump if I shove the nozzle in all the way so the collar protects me, the pump kicks off and I have to keep restarting.

      This all will probably be moot in a bit as we convert over to all electric. We have an electric charger at work. It’s totally self-serve. You put your card in to pay and you plug your car in to the charger.

      1. RagingADHD*

        The stopper is there to prevent backsplash. It’s not intended to be an airtight seal.

        The reason the pump shuts off when you shove it, is that you are triggering the auto-cutoff that prevents overflows.

        If you are breathing strong fumes, get out of there and wash down the side of your car, because there is a spill somewhere.

      2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

        IDK about other states, but California has had vapor recovery pumps since the 90s that do eliminate about +90% of fumes at the gas pump but its a separate hose attatched with the nozzle that pulls the vapor back into an underground tank …or something like that.

        1. Bad at picking names*

          Yes, whatever regulation California passed made gas stations so much less stinky than the ones of my youth! (In the 90s)

    15. *daha**

      I was living in Connecticut when self-serve became an option. The gas stations would offer a full-serve lane and self-serve lanes, and full-serve cost more, so it wasn’t something I would choose. There was always the risk that the attendant would try to top off to the nearest even amount and end up squirting gas down the side of the car. They used to carry the click-clack credit card impression machine so they could charge the card at the pump, and also change so they could take cash.
      Full service once meant that they would lift the hood to check oil level (and offer to sell you a quart and dispense it) radiator level, and battery fluid level and maybe top off windshield washer fluid. They would check the tire pressure and they would squeegee the windows. In a movie I saw (The Killers 1946) the attendant actually climbed into the front passenger seat to spray the rear-view mirror, but I never encountered that in real life.
      Last time I got gas in New Jersey it was “mini-serve” which meant the attendant just put your card in the pump, the nozzle in the tank, asked you regular or premium, and set the pump going.

  36. beentheredonethat*

    Barbara Pym different view point. Years ago I read alot of her books. The humor is the odd people actions in the big picture of people living. I like her. Probably time to go back and reread them.

  37. Clouds of Odor, LLC*

    For anyone who does a fair bit of driving, have you used the GetUpside app? I usually get around 10 cents a gallon back from gas stations that use it, but it’s not always the cheapest deal; sometimes Walmart or Kroger (Fry’s or Ralph’s in other places) have prices cheaper than the discounted prices at the mainline stores. I think my issue is the area where I live has significantly variable price depending on the specific town or place. What are your experiences?

    1. Where's my pen*

      My husband uses it. He likes it. He’s earned about $40 so far. He drives all over, to locations that vary daily though, so his focus is on the closest station with the highest cash back versus the overall cheapest, which may be way off his planned route. He doesn’t like how sometimes the cash back amounts change in the middle of the day, though. I’ve thought about downloading it and trying it out, but I really only go to one particular gas station, so I doubt I’d get much out of it.

  38. beentheredonethat*

    I really like eating with wooden chopsticks. I feel bad about the throwing them away. I would like to buy a permanent washable set. Suggestions?

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      I have some nice inlaid wood ones. I recommend any kitchen/dining supply shop that carries Japanese tableware. Or an Asian food store with a Japanese clientele. Serrv often carries them, too.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I frequent a tiny local Asian market that has an entire issue of kitchenware. Tons of chopsticks of varying materials and aesthetics, plus all the fancy (to me, it’s actually all super inexpensive) dishes. I’m especially fond of a couple of giant bowls I bought specifically for ramen with a million add-ins. Maybe there’s something similar in your area?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This; every Asian market I’ve been in has a section for kitchen/dishes and they almost all sell chopsticks.

    4. bibliovore*

      You can get cheaper but these are my favorites. I had wash. Pingto Bamboo Chopstick Sets on the Milk Street site.

    5. Miel*

      I got a 5-pack of wooden chopsticks at an Asian food store a couple years ago for $1, and they’re still serving me well!

    7. Anima*

      Yes, Asia Mart or, well, Amazon. We use metal ones that also can go in the dishwasher. These became popular during the panini in restaurants, they seem to be available everywhere. (At least in German, that said.)

    9. Tali*

      Specific kind doesn’t really matter as any Asian grocery will have chopsticks and they are all great.
      Better things to consider are the design you’d like, material (wood or bamboo is nice, plastic may be too lightweight, metal is common in Korea but some may find them hard to use), and length (Korean and Chinese style are longer than Japanese style; some Japanese chopsticks barely go past the back of your hand).

  39. Me--Blargh!*

    *sigh*

    My mom’s office phone quit working (she ditched the landline for a Spectrum bundle), so on Monday, a tech showed up to fix it. I sat in there with him for probably twenty minutes before it dawned on me that neither of us was wearing a mask.

    I can’t get her to understand you CANNOT just let people in the house without masks. In fact, everyone seems to have abandoned them. And she has had people parading through here through the entire pandemic. I’m vaxxed and boosted and so is she, FWIW.

    And now I have cold symptoms. Stuffy nose, sneezing, irritated eyes, and a bit tired for the last few days. No detectable fever, sore throat, or coughing at all. I also tried to shovel the driveway (we’re snowed in) but had to give up. I’m out of shape and just didn’t have the energy. I’ve been staying downstairs, but last night I went up for about ten minutes.

    Should I even bother to test? I have two BinaxNOW boxes I bought at Walmart ($14 each) and got two more in the mail from POTUS for a total of eight tests. But I hate to waste them because WM doesn’t have anymore and I can’t afford them anywhere else. It wouldn’t change anything that I’m doing or not doing other than staying downstairs for the duration.

    What do y’all think? Should I do it?

    1. fposte*

      I’d check the expiration dates on the boxes. Some of them expire fairly quickly, and if that’s so you might as well use it.

      Can you be the person to let people in in future? Have a mask at the ready to hand them if they didn’t bring one.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        I don’t know where my reply went. Probably the filter ate it because I cursed, lol.

        The tests I bought expire in April; the POTUS ones in December, I think.

        She usually tells me when someone is coming, but not always. I’m mad at myself for my lapse in protection. I think the best thing for me to do is get out of here, but I can’t force someone to hire me. I can’t leave until someone does because I have nowhere to go. This situation is not good for my mental health at ALL.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Negative, although I suspect if I’d done it on Wednesday or Thursday it wouldn’t have been.

        She said the tech said he had his shots; obviously, it just isn’t registering with some people that Omicron is contagious regardless of your vaccination status. And I’m a Homer for not putting on a mask myself. *slaps head* D’oh!

        1. A313*

          Maybe post a note on the door about masking and/or hang some masks (disposable) by the door so you can put yours on as well as provide one when needed?

          I’d skip testing if it won’t change anything you’re doing, but I can also see just wanting to know.

          1. Me--Blargh!*

            I do not live in my own house. And I’ve told her before; it does no good.

            I just need to GTFO.

            1. I-away 8*

              Your landlord doesn’t allow you to put notes on your door? That’s a little unreasonable!

              Maybe you could put a note on the inside of your door to remind yourself.

              1. RagingADHD*

                It’s not a landlord, OP lives with her mother, and it would appear that they have different levels of risk tolerance.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I try to keep masks near the front door, so that makes it easy to grab one if someone comes by.

        3. Gute Besserung*

          If you’re still just as symptomatic it doesn’t seem likely to me that you would have tested positive three days ago but negative today. But I’m no expert.

          I know you’re sick and being sick can make anyone grumpy but…I think you’re off-base to make this your mom’s fault. You’re an adult. You can advocate for yourself. You can say “would you please put on a mask?” Or YOU can put one on! It can be hard if you’re relying on a parent financially not to slip back into that “being taken care of” dynamic, but remember that she’s not actually in charge of you, you are.

          Hope you’re better soon! Rotten colds are rotten even when they aren’t COVID.

          1. Me--Blargh!*

            Thanks. I feel a little better today, which is why I didn’t think the test would show anything.
            I’m less mad at her than at myself, but I wish she would take more care. I worry about her too. She’s higher risk than me even though she’s also vaxxed and boosted.

            1. Gute Besserung*

              There’s plenty around that ain’t COVID – I’m the parent of a kindergartner, trust me. Sounds like you got a bit of a cold – we’re dealing with the same over here!

              It’s tough when you don’t agree with someone you live with. All you can do is set boundaries and decide whether the inconveniences you choose by continuing to live with them are worse than the inconveniences you would have to choose in order to live elsewhere.

              1. Me--Blargh!*

                Yeah, probably so. It seems to have receded; going by that and the negative test, I’ll assume I’m okay. But still being in the pandemic means the tiniest sniffle becomes suspicious.

                I’m doing my best to find work elsewhere. There has been talk of moving back to our hometown, which is not doable for me, and I don’t want to stay here either.

    3. Ali*

      Yes, use the test! I have read that you need to have proof of having Covid now if you want to be eligible for possible long-Covid benefits (tax breaks or eligibility for medical trials or whatever) in the future. Look out for your future paperwork-dealing self and take a test!

    4. Overeducated*

      I don’t think it’s a waste to use a test when you’re sick. That’s what they’re for! I’m sorry and hope you feel better soon.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Thank you. I don’t feel *bad,* just kinda run down. Also my eyes and nose feel burny. I can still taste and smell my coffee! That’s the highlight of my day right now, lol.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry you are sick, positive or negative, it’s still gross to be ill.

      But I think if you sat next to him for 20 minutes before it occurred to you, you can’t really blame her for forgetting to say something either.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        I already said I was mad at myself for not noticing.
        I think what’s happening is she’s asking about vaccinations but not registering that masks are also needed. Either that or she doesn’t want to confront anyone.

        1. Starstruck*

          It’s difficult but you do have control over yourself & whether you wear a mask so you can make it your own policy to wear one yourself going forward regardless of anything else that’s happening. I hope that’s at least a little empowering. I’m not sure it does any good to blame your mom other than to focus your anger outwards. Did she hurt you on purpose? (If she made a mistake, didn’t you also make the same mistake?) Is she free to do what she wants in her own home?

        2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Well you didn’t notice either. Maybe she was just being absent minded, as you were.

          1. Me--Blargh!*

            Probably so, but she’s had other people in here without them so I’m inclined to think she’s just not willing to insist on it.

            I can’t understand why I didn’t notice, though; I’m usually so conscientious about it.
            Probably because I’m so stressed. My brain is not working anymore, uggggghhhh.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Btw your insurance should reimburse you for tests now, of course you have to find them first, but they should be covered as of Jan 15.

        1. ThatGirl*

          I’m sorry. If I could send you some extras, I would. There may be options for free home tests or a friend may be willing to send you some. The government has really botched so much of this.

          1. Me--Blargh!*

            Thank you; I still have seven left and probably won’t need more until I find work. Then I can stockpile a bit.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      The ones from iHealth (same as sent by POTUS) are cheaper than binax and generally shipping within a week if you buy from their website. So if you need more in the future, that could be a good option.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Ooh, thank you; good to know. I didn’t get iHealth; is that the orange box? They sent me more Binax ones. I’ll look that up and bookmark their site for future reference. When I get a job I’ll need more.

        Binax was only $14 for two tests at Walmart but they don’t have any right now. I didn’t see them last time I picked up my prescription.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That’s a little harsh as there are other factors to consider. This is part of a larger story and those factors are not mentioned here.

        Having said that, I do think that you can let the anger you feel, OP, motivate you in some positive manner. If you think of anger as a bunch of energy you can harness that extra energy and do something extra for your own self. I get that you can’t shovel, etc. But maybe there is something positive that you can work on while sitting on the couch with a warm lap throw.

        Meanwhile, you could consider asking your mom to put a sign on her door that masks are required. And you could suggest a box of masks by the door. All you can do is ask but it’s something at any rate. If it were me, I’d consider putting a fresh mask in my pocket every day before I started my day. That way I’d have it on me if someone suddenly came to the door.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Having seen more of the replies, it sounds to me like it isn’t about mom forgetting so much as that OP & her mom have a fundamental disagreement about risk.

        2. Me--Blargh!*

          I’ll suggest it to her. I don’t know if she still has a box. I might have some in my car.

          But maybe there is something positive that you can work on while sitting on the couch with a warm lap throw.

          Yeah, writing more cover letters! ;)

      2. Well…*

        No, but her responses are about an unhappiness with her situation (“I just need to GTFO”) and the post was offering a solution to her complaint. And to be fair, she isn’t asking for work advice – she’s asking for medical advice, which is also a violation of your posting rules.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          Only sometimes. Higher up someone is asking about medication, and it’s still there. Yet a thread about recipes was removed right underneath. So ???

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            No thread about recipes has been removed…?

            I’m fine with someone asking for other people’s experiences. My request is that they not ask for medical advice or pose questions that really need to be brought to a doctor. Ultimately the rules are all rooted in what I’m comfortable hosting or moderating on the weekend, and I may draw that line differently than someone else might.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Ah, I just saw the post you meant. It was removed because it was a “here’s an update on my life”
              style post, which we stopped a year or two ago.

  40. fposte*

    I may have asked this before when I was first contemplating doing this, but anybody had any experience with digitizing the family photos? I’m going to at least try to do them at home, so there’s going to be a two-scanner approach–one the fast feeder, another the flatbed for glued-in album pages. The hardware has been a bit of a saga in its own right, since there are unmentioned accessories that need to be bought and apparently flatbed makers gave up on Macs several OSes ago. But it should be together next week, if I’m lucky, and I’ll start with the side of the still-living nonagenarian aunts and uncles so they can see the old stuff ASAP. But with the fast scanner it almost seems easier just to run all the photos through and sort them digitally rather than to curate 5% or whatever out pre-scan. Anybody have a thought about that?

    1. CTT*

      On to curate or not, I think it depends on what you have. If you have a lot of the same type of photo (like, someone took five different shots of the same people at a party, or grandmom just loved that mountain she saw on vacation and used up a whole roll of film on it taking photos from different angles), I think it’s worth doing some culling ahead of time. Since most computers have tons of storage, I think it can be harder to curate after the fact because “it’s not like it’s taking up room” and then you end up with a lot of extraneous stuff.

      1. Reba*

        Another thought on the curation front is using a photo management tool that has facial recognition. If you are ok with the idea of running your family’s faces through an AI, that is! I have waffled on how creepy I think it is, but frankly it’s been really helpful recently to be able to sort my photos by who is in them, and quickly see all the images of Relative A of whoever.

        CTT’s point about languishing digital storage is well taken. Still, though, I think I would probably run everything through the fast feed scanner and then try to be rigorous about going through the images and deleting copies and unnecessary digital versions. I feel like scrolling through digital thumbnails and hitting delete will be faster than physically pre-sorting the prints? But that’s just a guess.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, as hoarding goes, I just don’t worry about digital excess. But I didn’t know there were utilities that could do facial recognition on photos! That might be especially helpful for older stuff where the identification is in doubt. And since a lot of the people are no longer with us, I’m not too concerned about their privacy.

          1. Reba*

            I use Lightroom, which may be sort of overkill for your needs (and does require a subscription). But I understand that a lot of photo management tools offer this now, including Google Photos!

    2. Lifelong student*

      I bought a flash drive thing which allegedly downloads pictures from all your devices without duplicating them- if you have the possibility of having the same picture on multiple devices. It wasn’t expensive- and it did take a while, I assume because it was doing some sort of search before it added pictures. So you could fast scan then use this to do an initial curate- at least then you would not be dealing with duplicates.

    3. Girasol*

      I did ours on a regular scanner, ripping the albums apart as I went, since most of them weren’t the right kind of paper and were destroying the photos anyway. I put the scanner in the living room and got it done while half-watching a dozen movies. Whatever text was in the album went into the titles and I grouped them in labeled folders like “Yellowstone 2001” or “Miscellaneous 2014.” I spent a lot of time cropping the badly framed ones to home in on a subject and adjusting the exposure and color. I took some poor 1950s shots that were just brown haze and managed to electronically pull out images that had faded away in the photos themselves. It took time to mess with each separate one (there were about 2000) but the results are worth it. The digitized photos are better and they’ll never degrade.

    4. Kathenus*

      I’ve been doing ours in phases, starting with prioritizing certain ones for special events/gifts – like my dad’s 80th birthday photo book. But over time I’m trying to do all of them and just sort into groups digitally, since once I get going it’s easier for me to just scan and go versus figuring out which ones to/not to do. I have a flatbed style from Sharper Image – a bit unwieldy to use but can get into a rhythm to some extent. For me personally I’d rather curate digitally, with the caveat that bad quality or almost duplicates can sometimes be easily weeded out as I go as well.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I pre-sorted before I scanned. I had piles of connected or similar photos and I did one group at a time.

      I’d be super careful about putting photos through an ADF (automatic doc feeder). I have seen so many ADFs munch paper with mis-feeds. I assume you have something specifically meant for photos.

      I put mine on the glass and found I could fit 4-6 pics on each scan. It went faster than I thought it would. I printed mine out because this was decades ago. I made booklets and sent them to family (again because this was decades ago.)

      Another thing I had to seriously consider was the scope of my project. I decided to just scan the cream of the crop and let the rest go. I was able to do this on the basis of the level of interest (or the lack thereof) coming from family. I found I cared more than they did. But yes, the older folks were the ones who paid the most attention to my project.

      I ended up reconsidering how much I was housing here. I can’t believe I am saying this but I threw out two 30 gallon garbage bags of photos that meant nothing to me or anyone who was still living in the family. I probably could have sent those pics of the WWII base at Las Vegas to some historical society but I did not think of it at that time.

      Sadly, I concluded that if the original owners of the photos were not that interested in organizing/labeling/dating them, the subsequent owner will be even less interested.

    6. Anima*

      My uncle is retired now and does genealogy for his side of the family and he linked the photos to a family tree. That makes it extremely easy to identify people, since there are photos linked to the tree (minus the ones that are dead but look *just* like some of my living relatives, it’s creepy – these need to be looked at in context). Do you have a family tree and is this a viable solution for you to sort the photos?

      1. Anima*

        I misread. That wasn’t the question! I would curate them before scanning, because scanning takes so long. Fewer pictures to scan = less time. I usually put away doubles and one Motiv, different angles one. I keep the sharp and pretty ones.

    7. MMB*

      This question comes up periodically in Reddit’s genealogy forum. They have some great tips and advice! There’s one software program in particular that people frequently recommend for organizing photo’s. I cant remember what it is, but a quick search would probably turn up the name.

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I am on team curate before scanning. I find it easier to look through and group photos (where I can put them into piles, organize by years or topic, discard those yellowed photos of scenery with no people in the photo, etc.) first.

    9. Person from the Resume*

      Recently I took one of my family’s overstuffed albums and I very diligently put all the photos into 3 Shutterfly books with 4 photos per page and put in captions with what my mom had written on the back and … I wouldn’t do it that way again.

      There’s stupid stuff, repetitive stuff, bad photos of it snowing (we live somewhere it snows every 15-20 years so it’s significant but we don’t need 2 photos of blurry white dots against a dark background. Or photos of the baseball players my family hosted for a few days one year. Or yearly photos of 4-H livestock shows. I imagine that seemed significant the year after it happened, but 20 years later we don’t need a photo of that.

      If I do it again I’d curate it down to important events and memories.

  41. the cat's ass*

    Reading thread!

    What are y’all reading this week?

    Just finished “Finley Donovan Knocks em Dead”, the second in a series by Elle Cosimano. Deepy silly and just the sort of brain candy needed this week!

  42. Lore*

    Government COVID tests: I placed my order right when the program started and got a confirmation that said they’d ship in 7 to 12 days and I’d get a tracking info. It’s been two weeks and I don’t have tracking info. USPS won’t even let me talk to a person without tracking info. The US COVID hotline says they only started shipping 1/28 and the 7 to 12 days started 1/28, and then I can file some sort of report but I’m not sure how since I can’t figure out how to get through to a person at USPS without a tracking number! (Also I know people who received them before 1/28.) In any case, it’s 9 days past 1/28 and I still have no info and am not sure what to do now. Any ideas?

    1. Coenobita*

      If my area is any indication, things are all over the place. Some folks got theirs already (my neighbors) and some haven’t heard anything at all (me), despite ordering them on the same day. I’m just going to sit tight! I did hear that some people got tracking details only a day or so before their tests arrived – it was more of a shipping notification. If you need a test now, you might try asking around to see if you can “borrow” one from someone who got theirs already (and give them one of yours when it arrivces). There’s definitely some of that going on in my neighborhood.

      1. Lore*

        I have one box from my previous stash so I can hold out a little longer but I’m going to be away for a week beginning 2/12 and I don’t want them sitting in my apartment lobby that whole time so was hoping to get some info before I left. Maybe I’ll get lucky this week?

    2. Anon…*

      I placed my order on Jan. 18th, and I still haven’t received a shipping notification. I’m on day 18, and I need them now that COVID is in m my house.

    3. Mimmy*

      We ordered our kits when the program started and we’re still waiting too. We did see a story about this the other day, that people were upset that they hadn’t received their test kits as promised. My thought is similar to what Coenobita says – it depends on where you live. Plus, I think they meant 7 to 12 business days, which may not include weekends or holidays. Finally, I’m sure the winter weather hasn’t helped any. I don’t know if they’re being shipped from regional facilities or one central location.

    4. Olivia Oil*

      Same here. Honestly I knew this program was too good to be true LOL. I was actually surprised their website didn’t say they ran out in 2 hours.

    7. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      There was radio silence for about three weeks after we first ordered, then suddenly we got a shipping notification that the tests would arrive today.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I got mine on Thursday this week. I got an anticipated delivery email that morning, and a delivery confirmation email that evening. No tracking when it shipped.

    11. E. Chauvelin*

      I’m in the same boat. I read that they were hit by the same supply chain issues as everything else. I ordered the day of the soft launch because I anticipate needing to use them before going to my grandparents-in-law’s 70th(!) anniversary party in March and I’m glad I didn’t wait, so I’m just sitting tight. If one of us has a reason to need a test before they arrive we’ll look around locally. Your state may have resources for distributing tests, too.

    12. Gatomon*

      I ordered mine right away, heard absolutely nothing until 1/29 when I got a shipping notice, and then they arrived the next day. I can’t explain it; I would’ve thought my area would be bottom of the list. But given how popular having covid is around here, maybe no one bothered to order them.

      2. E. Chauvelin*

        I actually think that one of the stories I saw about the supply issues might have mentioned that they were prioritizing the areas with the highest levels for shipping.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I got a call from a friend telling me that the website was up and running, the night before it was supposed to be. (???)
      Not only have I not seen the tests, I have not gotten any email that I can expect them.

      I am a bit discouraged because I just saw an article saying if the test freezes then it’s no good. I picture my kits sitting in a vehicle some where and freezing. sigh.

      1. RagingADHD*

        If you didn’t get an order confirmation it might not have gone through. I didn’t get tracking info when it shipped, but I did get an immediate confirmation when I put in the order.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ah good to know. I did get a confirmation email when I ordered. So it could be coming and I just never got an email. Thank you!!

    15. SofiaDeo*

      A neighbor said she got an email verifying they were shipped, and has hers already. We haven’t gotten any email notice yet.

    16. Decidedly Me*

      I ordered them right away and am still waiting. I also ordered some through a state specific program and those came within a few days.

  43. Oakley*

    Suggestions to make more filling meals for picky-ish husband? He basically likes meat and starches. He will tolerate veggies mixed into casserole/soup but no plain veggies on the side. The thing I’m having difficulty figuring out is what else to add- he’s recently developed an allergy to beans, and is allergic to gluten/soy/most (all?) grains (most gluten-free stuff he’s tried in worse gut-wise than the gluten). He currently just deals with the effects of eating bread/noodles but I’d like to try and figure out how to cut it from his diet and still have filling meals that aren’t 75% meat!

    1. Lynn*

      The obvious things that come to mind are potatoes, eggs and cheese.

      Does he WANT to like more vegetables? My husband hated almost all veggies and then he decided to do OMAD (one meal a day) intermittent fasting. An interesting side effect- he was hungry enough that anything tasted good. After going off that diet, he still likes a bunch of different veggies. It reset his taste buds. YMMV

    2. SofiaDeo*

      Does he like spices at all? Bar B Q or other sauces? I’ve had some vegetable success adding something.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Starchy veg? Potatoes, sweet potatoes, winter squash, turnips, celeriac, yucca, plantains are all basically a blank canvas for seasoning and preparation.

      Also gluten free grains – rice, amaranth, quinoa, polenta/grits, buckwheat are also versatile sides that can take a variety of preps from salad-like to hearty and hot.

    4. KEG*

      Potatoes, rice & corn; German potato salad, potato & bacon soup? Rice stuffed pork chops or chicken; hard tacos, taco salad, Mexican lasagna, grits, hominy, will he eat black eyed peas? Will he eat fresh spinach? Stuffed squash?

    5. Not A Manager*

      Layer thin sliced russet potatoes, sliced onions, and sliced hardy vegetables in a casserole and cover with your casserole sauce (canned cream soup, a homemade white sauce, or a cheese sauce). Cover tightly with foil and bake until the vegetables start to get soft, then uncover and bake until brown on top. You can sprinkle with some cheese or breadcrumbs or whatever you like on a casserole before you brown it. You need to keep an eye on this and add more liquid (I like chicken broth) as necessary since the potatoes will soak it all up. Good vegetables for this are carrots, sweet potatoes, fennel, bell peppers, winter squash, parsnips, etc. or even chopped broccoli or cauliflower. Don’t use quick-cooking, mushy vegetables like zucchini. If you use spinach, cook it and wring it out first.

      Stuff cabbage leaves or bell peppers with a mixture of rice, ground meat, and sautéed veggies. Cover with tomato sauce and add a little water or broth to the bottom of your casserole. Cover and bake until the stuffed vegetable is cooked, then uncover and crisp up the top with some parmesan or other cheese. Good veggies for this are mushrooms, zucchini, spinach, eggplant, etc. Some recipes call for uncooked rice and meat that cooks in the vegetable shell; others call for sautéed meat and cooked rice. Use your veggies cooked or raw depending on the recipe.

      If your husband tolerates dairy and cheese, sometimes people will enjoy vegetables in a dairy or cheese broth that they don’t like plain. There are some good recipes online for broccoli cheddar soup, for example. They do call for a small amount of flour to thicken the sauce. If your husband is intolerant, I’d add a few chunks of potato and leave out the flour. I find that I can use a recipe for broccoli soup and substitute cauliflower, or vice versa, or use half and half. Once you see if he likes the basic soup, you could try chopping up some additional veggies (bell peppers would be good) and adding them at the end, after you’ve pureed the rest of the soup.

      I once stayed at a hotel that basically put its lunch buffet leftovers into a soup for dinner, and it was delicious. The base was a thick chicken broth, almost like a thin gravy. I assume that they just made a flour roux and added broth to the right consistency, but you could use corn starch to thicken your broth, or mashed potatoes or potato flakes. It was quite salty and well-seasoned, and probably also had some cheddar or other cheese in it. Then they would literally put in the leftover spinach, chopped cooked mushrooms, broccoli, etc. and correct the seasonings. The soup was always delicious.

    6. Generic Name*

      Can he eat rice? Also, if he’s the picky one, maybe he can at least search out recipes that he thinks he’ll eat. I would also suggest that the person who has more food preferences/dislikes/pickiness does the cooking, but I know this wouldn’t work in all families.

  44. Olivia Oil*

    This past week’s letter about introversion made me think about how social anxiety and introversion get confused a lot. I’m someone who’s socially anxious behavior constantly gets mistaken as introversion. What’s weird is sometimes, when I insist that I do like socializing but sometimes don’t do it out of anxiety, people try to “correct” me and put me in my place by telling me that no, I’m just an introvert and that is okay. This sucks because I’m already someone who doesn’t socialize as much as I would like and I think getting confused as an introvert makes me less likely to get invited out to stuff. I’ve explained that there is a difference between wanting to do something but not doing it because of fear and genuinely not wanting to do something, but a lot of people insist they are the same. Has anyone dealt with this weird attitude?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband actually is sort of the other way around — he’s pretty sure the reason he doesn’t like crowds is because he’s an introvert, but I’m pretty sure it’s a manifestation of his (diagnosed) anxiety and he’s nowhere near the introvert he thinks he is, because that man goes bonkers if he doesn’t get enough social people-ing on a regular basis.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (And I actually just pointed this out to him, thank you, because when I say I’m pretty sure, I actually mean now that someone mentioned the possible conflation, it just now occurred to me in a EUREKA type moment.)

      2. Olivia Oil*

        I was your husband until a few years ago. Attributing your social fears and weaknesses to “I’m just an introvert” is a good way to deny that you have a problem that needs to be addressed. I think I only woke up to what was an actual problem when I realized I was dissatisfied with my social life compared to my truly introvert friends who lived even more reclusive lives than me. (For example, one of these friend’s idea of a good weekend is what I would consider to be the type of weekend I would have if I were sick or recovering from heartbreak: staying in the house all weekend cooking/baking and watching Netflix. Whereas I only opt to do those things as a second resort to going out.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Hah! He is currently off with friends for a gaming day while I am at home with a pizza and trashy murder tv. (I really am very very far to the introvert end of the scale, but I don’t mind crowds as long as all of the individuals in the crowd leave me alone to read my book. He hates the crowd but will talk the ear off any or all of the individuals who approach him at the slightest invitation.)

    2. just another bureaucrat*

      I am a loud, brash, take up a lot of space, talk in front of crowds, no fear of public speaking introvert with social anxiety.

      This confuses people so much. I’ve gotten a lot of no you aren’t you’re clearly an extrovert because you’re loud, you’re not anxious because you just pulled off that meeting and one could tell. I’ve also heard the you can’t really be an introvert if you want any social interaction. I am really struggling with the lack of social interaction due to the pandemic and part of is it’s a skill that’s decayed, and that includes managing my own social anxiety. Part of it is I’m still a human and I can get tired from something but still want it and that doesn’t make me less of an introvert or less of a decent person. I’m lonely and introverted. And that’s ok. You can be extroverted and anxious and that’s ok. And that’s really hard because you’re afraid of a thing you need for the charge and that’s got to be incredibly frustrating for you.

      1. Olivia Oil*

        Yeah, a lot of people seem to misunderstand that external behaviors aren’t always a good reflection of what is going on inside, and that introversion and extroversion aren’t an all or nothing thing.

        This also touched on another pet peeve I have: extremely judgmental people who think they can jump to overreaching conclusions about people, to the point that they contradict people’s own assessment of themselves. *rolls eyes* I actually went on a Tinder date a few months ago where the date (who was bizarre in a lot of other ways) mentioned he suffered from anxiety. I said, “oh! So do I.” And he literally was like, “no you don’t, you seem too calm”. He doubled down when I explained that I had always dealt with anxiety and even went to therapy for it. So odd! I can say for sure that it never occurs to me to contradict other people’s self-assessment, even if it goes against my initial impression of them.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      I think that personality trait assignment, even introversion/extraversion, is really pretty unhelpful day to day.

      For example, I love being with people, but I experience anxiety, and I find it very exhausting to experience anxiety. Am I an introvert? Maybe; I often lose energy by being with others. Other times, I gain it! But I don’t like to think that “experiences social anxiety” is part of my personality.

      At a certain point, people are just very difficult to label with a binary switch, and results of any personality test are about as useful as your as an astrological sign. Most personality tests just have pretty low validity; personality traits can change in the tiniest of circumstances, and repeated tests have different results. The OCEAN personality traits/framework, which does include “level of introversion”, is considered one of the more valid(at least when I was taking my psych classes) and even that is limited.

      Which is all to say, yes, this response is weird. But I’d take it about as seriously as someone insisting that you must match some description of your star sign.

    4. Sunflower*

      I posted this comment before and thought it was worth mentioning here too – I think all this introvert vs extrovert distinction is completely overblown and I think it has very little to do with the common conception of where you get your energy from. I think it has more to do with HOW you prefer to interact with people and what is more natural to you vs the overarching concept of whether you prefer to interact with people or not and that’s why we’ve got all these contradicting titles. Craving friendship and connection is one of the most core things that make us human and is pretty common across all people- but people prefer to do it in different ways.

      I’m someone who would def be considered an extrovert but a lot of the generalizations do not make sense to me. Of course we all need our down time but I actually feel like I like to and need to be alone a LOT/majority of time- more than the world has told me extroverts do. I get social anxiety sometimes and go silent when I’m in large groups. Which leads me to the thought it has more to do with what comes natural to you. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed in social situations- but it’s probably less than introverts are. I also prefer to have larger groups of friends with looser connections vs smaller groups with closer connections. I also prefer to interact with people in person vs online or over computer.

      Something I find to be a huge blind spot in the intro vs extro convo is a lot of introverts find connections online or over messaging systems when they might be technically alone/by themselves, however, these things are still forms of socialization so they’re still receiving this ‘energy’ from interactions, just in a different way.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Agreed wholeheartedly! I think having an idea of your base social needs and preferences is a more helpful than a flat “extrovert/introvert” binary. I think a lot of people end up frustrated when they don’t match up with stereotypical extroverts or introverts, especially when people go “oh, but you’re an extrovert, why don’t you ever invite anyone over to your house” or “wow, are you sure you’re an introvert, you’re always chattering away on the phone” instead of trying to work with that person’s social needs. And then you end up with people gluing googly eyes to every appliance in their bathroom “because they’re an introvert” instead of going “huh. my social needs aren’t being met right now. this is a problem I can solve.”

      2. Jules the First*

        An extrovert once explained it to me in a way that I thought was rather brilliant at conveying the difference: an introvert thinks in order to speak; an extrovert talks in order to think. The introvert therefore recharges (with new ideas, perspectives, energy) by retreating and the extrovert seeks out people. It’s less about enjoying or not enjoying interaction and more about processing and sharing ideas.

    5. ecnaseener*

      Some well-meaning people love to try to comfort you by telling you there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s very annoying when you’re trying to explain that there IS something wrong with you, a mental illness/disorder that’s causing you pain. I don’t have social anxiety but I do have ADHD and this happens a lot. Solidarity and internet hugs. If you’re up for pushing back, you can say something like ‘I appreciate that but actually it’s been really helpful for me to understand that I do have a disorder. It makes things hard for me, but it helps to understand it.”

    6. RagingADHD*

      Disorders cause problems and/or make you unhappy. Like, for some people staying in their comfort zone would preclude doing necessary things like working or getting healthcare. They feel fine but have bad consequences. For others, they want to do things but feel unable to, and are unhappy about it.

      Temperament, on the other hand, is just a comparison relative to other people. There isn’t an absolute scale of introvert or extrovert, but one person may need more quiet time than another, or crave more socializing than another.

      Everyone needs some human interaction, and everyone needs some solitude. It’s just a matter of proportion.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I went through some difficulties a while back. I heard people’s opinions on my problems. They were so far off the mark, it made me think that they were not the close relationship I thought they were. I mean after all, if they were close then they would have a better understanding, right?

      Wrong.

      The only person who continuously thinks about my concerns is ME. Likewise with yourself, you are the number one person thinking about your concerns.

      After much thought, I realized something. It does not matter what people think is up with me. It only matters that *I* know, because I am the only one who can take action steps to help me. I realized that getting lost on the whole train of thought about what other people think, was preventing me from actually doing what mattered. Was it a crutch so I did not have to deal? I dunno, could be. I think it was more to the point to admit how isolated and alone I felt with my concerns. (No one understands me! oh noooo!) I realized that this road would not serve me, it would not get me to a better place.

      We are alone with our thoughts. Always. No one can mind read. No one can anticipate every single thing we think of.

      Getting more to the point of your post: a good general rule of thumb is that people will not force social situations on people who seem uncomfortable, period. The reason for the discomfort does not matter because the end result is the same. So it does not matter if people think you have X or Y concern, what matters is their invite causes you discomfort. They probably want to include you, but are unsure when and how.

      One thing I started doing was saying out loud what I do actually enjoy. I enjoy small groups of friends where I know most of the people. This is me. This is what I enjoy. So I have a friend with a bizillion friends. I would have made out better with her friend group if I could have met them in small batches. I didn’t. Finally one day she said, “you really don’t enjoy these parties we are going to do you?” Umm. no. And she stopped inviting me to the large gatherings. We still see each other from time to time but it is in smaller ways, such as at-home visits or small community projects. Now I am not acting awkward and she is not puzzling over what went wrong with our choices of activities together.

      Another thing I looked at was how often do I want to get together with friends? Given my other commitments if I get together with a friend once or twice a week that is a lot, because my schedule can get full. I figured that if I am tired or stressed because of the other commitments, it’s probably not a good week to plan on visiting with several friends. I am at my load limit for the week. Think about your pacing and think about timing.

      Most anxiety comes from feeling of something being out of control. Your biggest question here is what actions would help you feel things are more under control?

  45. Incoming Principal*

    My best friend’s dad got into a bad skiing accident. He will get surgery in a couple days. I am sad for him and for my friend. Any ideas of thoughtful gifts to cheer him up since he is an avid triathlete who will be feeling down as he goes from training 3+ hours per day to needing a lot of physio rehab for months? These are like my second family so I’m fine spending up to $15o

    1. LemonLyman*

      That’s terrible and I’m so sorry for him. I don’t really have suggestions for an athlete in recovery but gift cards for his favorite takeout would be helpful. Or something that can be applied to many places like Uber eats and Grubhub can be helpful. Maybe a gift ask of some of his favorite snack/treats. I’ve spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital and not having to worry about meals and getting to the grocery store is helpful.

      I might also be projecting here, but also be careful about sharing stories of your own experiences that he can’t partake in. When my sister visited me in the hospital after one of my surgeries, she spent a lot of time telling me all about her trip to Costa Rica and all the hiking and ziplining, etc. that they did. It just made me feel worse.

    2. Miel*

      An active friend got surgery a few years ago, and her friends made her an activity basket with a coloring book, movies, puzzle books, and other things to pass the time while she was stuck in bed.

      I also love the food idea.

      And if you’re in a place to offer to help out with the housework (doing a load of laundry and putting the clothes away, vacuuming the house) or running errands, that would be a nice offer.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Love the gift-basket idea! Maybe add a really compelling trashy read? Sometimes a good book is just what the doctor orderd.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Please excuse my lack of technical knowledge here. My thought is to see if you can find some sort of device that would support/encourage him with his rehab. You can check with the family, you can ask the family to check with the rehab place.

      Additionally, if you wish, you could add more specifics here and maybe some of the readers will be able to tell you about a gizmo or device that they found useful.

      I have a very simple/almost silly example from decades ago. My husband and I fell off a motorcycle at 60 mph. He got the brunt of it and ended up in ICU. They doped him beyond belief and he was disoriented. Once he became a little more oriented he was lonely and bored. My father brought him a radio. I thought that was strange. NOOOO- that was a very good call. My husband loved everything about radios- he had worked briefly in a radio station. He always had radios on where ever he was. He loved listening to NPR and classical music. When he saw the radio in my father’s hands, he lit up like a Christmas tree. That little radio saved him. It connected him to the world, it entertained him, he looked forward to certain programs which forced him to keep his day/time orientation in place so he would catch his desired program. That little radio was on every time I went to see him.

      So very poorly stated, think about supportive gizmos that he might enjoy.

      1. OP*

        OP here
        He broke his tibia plateau and fibula.
        I don’t live in the same city and they are well off, so the meals and cleaning is handled.
        I like the idea of a basket but he will not do puzzles and other things like that. He is a countryman who doesn’t like anything that looks “soft”

        1. Generic Name*

          What about model cars/ships? My husband, a manly carpenter from Wyoming, is currently recovering from surgery, and he’s been putting together a very complicated model ship.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin*

            Or one of (Donald E. Westlake writing as) Richard Stark’s “Parker” series — adventures of a stone-cold professional criminal.

    5. OtterB*

      Late response but adding just in case. He might enjoy one of Lawrence Gonzales’s books on survival, either Deep Survival or Surviving Survival (which is mainly about continuing to recover after the original problem is resolved).

  47. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Anybody have any suggestions for comfortable but dressy black ankle boots that I can *try on* before I buy them? Or possibly just search terms since I don’t know what I want is called? My feet are really picky so a lot of the shoes I try on are just not comfortable. I suppose online+free returns would work, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t actually return them unless they were horribly uncomfortable. I’m in a major US city, so most of the normal chains are available.

    I see a million different black boots, but they are all either A. dressy heels, or B. chunky kombat boots. I want something with the practicality of the combat boot, but the graceful lines of the dressy heels. Real leather would be ideal. An inch of heel max.

    1. Llellayena*

      If you have a Clarks near you or a chain that sells Clarks, I’ve tried on quite a few ankle boots from them and they are currently my daily shoe. I’ve also had luck at DSW. I usually start my search at Macy’s but the last couple years I’ve been disappointed there. Still might be worth a look. I fall over in heels higher than about an inch so I know the struggle of finding a stylish LOW shoe. I tend to like a chunkier heel for stability, but it’s definitely not combat boot chunky and I’ve seen them with a narrower heel too.

    2. Bluebell*

      I was looking for black ankle boots this fall and tried Sierra. They have a lot of options. I bought two pairs online, but neither really worked so I returned them at one of their stores. I ended up buying two pairs there, one which was fleece lined, and then a pair of Earth Origins on clearance for only $15!

    3. LemonLyman*

      Nordstrom has an amazing return policy. I’m immunocompromised so I hate trying in in store and I’ve bought many shoes/boots/clothes from them online and then months later returned the ones that didn’t work. Seriously, MONTHS later. And with no questions asked. They even do “curbside” returns. I use quotes because the Nordstrom by me isn’t actually curbside but just inside the door. But that’s better than having to walk fully inside + it only took a couple of minutes to return. You can even start the return using their app. That’s my best rec. (Zappos is also a great online option with an excellent return policy.)

      It sounds like you might be looking for ankle booties? Something with a small block (not chunky) heel – if any heel at all, ankle height, that can elevate the look of jeans a bit or worn with a dress but isn’t fancy like heels or clunky like combat boots. Does that seem right? I think bigger chunky boots are what’s “in” right now which might be why it’s a bit harder to find the classic ankle. You may also want to be searching Chelsea boots. They’re a little more casual but you might find some that are a touch dressier. They tend to have a slightly higher shaft than a classic ankle boot.

      As for brands, I’ve really liked Blondo, Born, Clarks, and Vince Camuto. I have a pair of Blondo Valli that I love (and are waterproof!) but I don’t think those are made anymore. :( I mention them so you can Google to see if that style of boot is what you’re looking for and maybe can find in a different brand. I just bought a pair of Born boots (style name: Camryn) that are definitely casual but are comfy (but narrow!) with just a slight heel.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Yeah, I think ankle booties might be the right term, but half of my search results still have 4″ heels! I want something I can wear all day and never think about my feet, but still looks nice and kind of dressy. Forgot to mention lace up, because those are always more comfortable with my foot shape. Basically a sneaker with the lines of a dress shoe.

        Chunky boots are definitely in right now. Totally not my style. I want my stomp-y boots to be actual practical outdoors wear and my nice shoes to not have a sole that adds an inch to the width of my foot. Ah well. You always win some, lose some with fashion.

      2. the cat's ass*

        My DD recently wanted the exact same thing, and we scored at Nordy’s Rack. I picked up a new pair of Danskos for work, too. Try them!

    4. Swisa*

      I have the Dansko Leyla’s and I love them. They have a hidden wedge inside the shoe for a slight lift, but they’re so comfortable and sleek!

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Honestly? Sounds like you need to take an afternoon and browse. Go to Nordstrom if you have one. Save yourself the aggravation of getting shoes and sending them back.

      You can also search Zappos for ideas and then go out, but you should probably do this one in person.

    6. cat socks*

      If you have a DSW near you, they have a pretty good selection of shoes. Otherwise, Zappos has free shipping and returns. I have a pair of Rockports that are more on the dressy side and have a fairly low heel. Blonde might be another option, but I find they run narrow. When searching online, I always filter based on heel height and color. On Zappos you may also be able to filter based off material.

    7. it happens*

      Second both the nordstrom and Chelsea boot suggestions. I have eastland Chelsea-type boots (double up is the style name) with 1” heels. Have worn them for years (they get about 2-3 years use for me, I walk hard,) and I buy the next pair on sale before I need them.

    8. PostalMixup*

      I agree with Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack. You can also Google “block heel bootie” to find ones that won’t be like stilettos. I’m not seeing lace-up ones that don’t also have 4-inch heels, but there are lots of zip style that have heels an inch or less. Those are what I get for work – my shoes can have heels no taller than an inch and no thinner than an inch.

    9. Smol Book Wizard*

      Believe it or not, try REI. They have some lovely stuff as well as the hikers – nice streetwear options. I wore my knee-high black leather Merrells for about 10 years and it was the zipper that broke first.

      1. Double A*

        Teva makes surprisingly cute and comfy ankle boots and your job might be able to try them on at REI.

    10. SG*

      I second Clarks. And if you don’t have a local Clarks store, departments stores carry them too, but I would recommend online sellers with free shipping both ways.

    11. Chauncy Gardener*

      Try Googling Naot black ankle boots to see who sells them in your area. Pretty flat, maybe 1/4 to 1/2inch heel? Expands to fit your fit. Very nice quality. And comes in different colors if you’re interested!

    12. Comfortable boots*

      I have boots exactly like what you are looking for! They are extremely comfortable. It’s the Comfortiva Cordia boot.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Yep, that’s the style! Well, I’m not wild about the zipper, but it’s definitely not a dealbreaker. Hopefully they’re comfortable for my feet, which are really picky about the shape of the footbed.

        Better yet, DSW has them, and is not only right next to Nordstrom, it’s right next to another store I have an errand to!

        Thanks all, this has been a great help at giving me places to look.

    13. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for Clarks. I have their Orinoco black Chelsea boots and they go with pretty much everything.

  48. OyHiOh*

    Who all has been following the saga of three cats + 2 humans + 1 box (Tempermental Clusterfuck and friends on FB)? It’s the weekend edition version of Jorts and Jean and just the funniest thing.

    Summary, two adult humans bought a Vitamix blender. When the box arrived, they brought it in and set it down to open after diner. One of their three cats decided to sit on the box, and a 46 day stand off ensued, with multiple alliances forming and breaking over the course of 6 weeks.

    Vitamix sent a second blender, which was handled with great strategy to prevent the cats from cat-napping that box, and this past week Vitamix sent a cat tree and catnip toys as well. Someone at Vitamix clearly knows a marketing goldmine when in falls in their laps.

    1. Elle Woods*

      I have been following the saga! I have a number of friends who work in social media marketing and all are of the opinion that Vitamix is doing a splendid job handling this situation. It’s the kind of publicity that money can’t buy!

      1. OyHiOh*

        MAL2’s last couple posts regarding cat gravity have me in stitches every morning when her posts pop up.

    2. cat socks*

      I haven’t heard of this yet, but will have to check it out! I have three cardboard boxes in my living room that have been there for months because my cats sleep in them. They are just part of the decor now.

  49. DefinitelyAMonica*

    I posted a couple weeks ago about 3 different living situations I was weighing and wanted to thank everyone for the advice. Unfortunately Option 1 roommate went with another person for a roommate, Option 2 ended up being way smaller in person and I declined and the comments on Option 3 helped me see that it really would not work out in the long run. Especially thankful for the advice about Option 3, I don’t think I would’ve realized how much of a mess that was on my own.

    1. Starstruck*

      Did you find an option that did work for you or are you back to square 1? (Sorry I don’t remember if there was a fourth option.) Glad it helped to get some input.

    3. DefinitelyAMonica*

      Back to square one! The whole experience definitely helped me reevaluate my priorities and while I’m still looking, it isn’t quite so urgent at the moment. I’m lucky to be in a place now that I don’t have to move yet but stil hopeful I’ll find something that checks most of my boxes in the near-ish future.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Thanks for circling back with an update. It’s good to hear you avoided the big pitfall of option 3 and no doubt something will work out well for you down the line.

  50. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Recommendations where I can buy socks for large feet? I’m a man who has size 12, 4E width and most socks feel like they’re strangling my feet while wearing them.

    I don’t understand universal sizing that’s supposed to fit size 6 through 12; they’re just are too tight on my feet.

    Dress socks only. Thanks

    1. Grace Less*

      Big and tall clothing stores have socks/shoes in larger sizes. Destination XL had a nice selection of work/business clothes pre-pandemic; I’d guess they still do but haven’t been inside to see.

    2. *daha**

      Hitchcock has them. Search on hitchcock wide shoes for men. (They also carry wide shoes for women.)

    3. Enough*

      Wittmann Textiles for cotton dress socks. they go up to size 13 (shoe 12-13). they have them currently in white and black.

    5. StellaBella*

      Amazon seems to have exactly what you need, not sure that is an option for you. Also try the websites 2bigfeet, oddball, and XLfeet as well. All three have better choices than Amazon from a glance at them.

  51. So Very Desperately Itchy*

    Have you gotten any of the free n95 masks that are being given out through pharmacies and local health departments?
    I picked some preformed ones from the pharmacy and the health department and they feel too big to me. The bottom of the mask goes under my chin all the way to my neck which makes the top press down on my nose and the material is incredibly itchy to me.
    Do you have any ideas on how to deal with the itching? I know they have to be one size fits all and I am glad to have them. It’s just the itching that’s getting to me and it’s so hard to stop myself from ripping it off so I can scratch my entire nose and upper lip.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I’ve been asking at the pharmacies that also do vaccines, but they don’t seem to be here yet.

      Could you wear a cloth mask underneath? Or surgical tape?

      I’m not sure how you’d get a good seal if it fits that awkwardly. It might not be worth the trouble if there’s a big gap.

    2. Generic Name*

      Yeah, I got mine from the library. I haven’t worn them yet (just coming out of my isolation period fro having Covid. Sigh) most masks are uncomfortably large for my face. Surgical masks are unbearably itchy. I ended up buying some Korean masks. Maybe give them to someone who they fit? No other advice really.

    3. SofiaDeo*

      N95’s aren’t all “one size fits all”. Some companies make different sizes. And different brands have slightly different styles. Infind certain shapes/sizes more comfortable than others. I have leukemia and have been wearing them in public during flu season for a decade; Covid turned this into year round. So I have some experience with different styles/sizes.

      And IMO your itching is something to take seriously. You need to wear them somewhat comfortably.

      Unfortunately, the free ones may not work for you.

    5. Quandong*

      It sounds like these are not a good fit for you, both in terms of size and what they’re made of.

      I find Powecom KN95 soft respirators very comfortable and not itchy or irritating for my skin.

      If you want a thorough review of lots of masks, and recommendations of where to buy them, Aaron Collins (mask nerd on Twitter) is great.

      1. Windchime*

        I got some KN95’s from Amazon and I like the way they have a snugger fit on my face; however, the ear elastics are so tight that it feels like my ears are being sliced off. Sometimes I am able to stretch the elastic out so that it’s more comfortable, but I’ve had to throw several away because they are just painfully tight on my ears.

    6. WS*

      Because they’re stiffer, they’re definitely not one size fits all. These ones aren’t right for you – you could pad underneath with surgical tape to help it sit forward a little and not contact your skin, but it may not help.

      1. SofiaDeo*

        An N95 needs to form a seal of sorts, doing anything to make it “sit away from the skin” defeats the purpose of the mask.

    7. the cat's ass*

      Masks are so variable. My DD got some free from school, and the earloops are really weird and keep sliding off her ears, leading to the mask sliding off her face. I found some better ones at my local Japanese grocery store, go figure. I have rosacea so all the paper and composite masks just kill my skin, so i have resorted to a snug-fitting cloth mask with an N 95 worn in the filter area.

  52. Daffodilly*

    We have a bunch of family photos from over the years, nine of them, all of them 8X10. I’d like to create a grouping in a hallway.
    BUT….some are vertical, some are horizontal.
    My idea was to get 12X12 frames and use mats so that I could have them in a 3X3 square.
    But I cannot for the life of me find mats that are 12X12 and mat to 8X10!
    Anyone know of a place to buy them that would be cheaper than having custom mats cut? I looked into that and they wanted $15/mat!

    3. fposte*

      Usually mats have an even border all the way around; I think it might be hard to find pre-cut ones that don’t. One possibility if you’re working on a budget is to cut your own mats–I’m not good at the bevel angle with actual mats but I’ve done it with construction paper, and I’ve also wrapped posterboard with fabric for a mat.

    4. it happens*

      Unless you feel strongly that they have to be in a particular time-series order, a mixture of horizontal and vertical photos is great- gives the eye variety. Put a piece of brown paper on the floor that’s the size of the space you’ll hang on and then move the photos around until they look good. You can think of it like a big square or rectangle that you are filling- think of some corners that align and some that don’t. Someone above recommended searching for salon walls for examples. (I have a wall with 16 photos mixed with horizontal and vertical, and two sizes, altogether they form their own piece.)

      1. Daffodilly*

        That’s kind of what I have now, and I’m over it. It looks cluttered. I want to pull everything that isn’t a family photo and have a cleaner, neater look on that wall.

  53. Llama face!*

    Things to consider when moving across country: Advice and tips please!
    I am considering applying for work outside my current location but am trying to get a sense first of how complicated/costly it would be to move.

    What are some surprising cost or things to consider when moving long distance (within the same country)? Anything that I might not be realizing with only short distance moving experiences in the past? How much would you budget for this in general, say, compared to a month’s expenses? Anything you’d advise re: moving in the time of COVID?
    Any and all advice is welcome!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Moving a lot of your smaller stuff by mail is a huge pain. Tried it, would not recommend.
      If you feel you can afford it, it feels AWESOME to pay for movers to pack and unpack your stuff for you as well as moving it. Way less stressful. Just don’t let them pack up the garbage.
      It’s probably worth the cost of a scouting trip to figure out what neighborhood/town you want to live in. Only you can tell what places feel right to you.
      Try to figure out if you’re moving somewhere where you’ll have to pay a realtor for the privilege of renting an apartment. In my nabe, to get a decent place that is rent-stabilized, you will generally need to pay over a month and half of rent to a realtor in addition to any first month/last month/security deposit. And the realtors are super shady here (like the realtors want their payments in cash and/or the apartment is listed as having no realtor fee but really does). Once I realized that was just the way it is, I gave myself over to the process and realized that every time I move apartments in this neighborhood, it is just going to feel kind of slimy.

    2. Lady Danbury*

      Depending on what kind of stuff you have, it may be better to sell/give away stuff and purchase new/used things when you get there. When I last moved cross country, my apartment was furnished with stuff that I had kept since law school. It wasn’t terrible furniture, but I decided that it wasn’t worth the hassle/cost of moving it. I ended up shipping some boxes via greyhound (not sure if they even do this anymore, but it was the cheapest option at the time), then packing my car with the stuff that I decided to keep before driving to my new city.

      Even if you don’t plan to get rid of it all, now is the perfect time to purge anything that’s unnecessary. Whether it’s clothes, furniture, kitchen appliances, etc., think long are hard about whether you actually need it and if it’s worth the cost/hassle of a long distance move.

      Totally agree with taking a scouting trip. Ideally, try to visit target areas/apartments during times that matter to you. For example, if you’ll be working from home, visit during the day to see what the noise level is like. If you’ll be commuting, map out the commute at 8am to see what rush hour traffic is like.

      1. anonPNW*

        I agree. I moved from the Midwest to the Northwest a few years ago. Didn’t own a vehicle, so I knew I’d probably be relying on a courier. In advance, I went through the entire contents of my house. For something to be added to the shipping pile, I decided it needed to be either special, unusual, or more expensive than the combined cost of shipping it and buying a replacement at my destination. This meant that I donated all the furniture, most of the household goods (vacuum, kitchen stuff, etc.), a big pile of clothes, and so on – about 3/4 of my possessions at the time. Occasionally I still go looking for a specific item and rediscover the fact that it didn’t make the cut, but it’s been worth it.

        Shipping was costly and a little awkward – filling out the paperwork and getting everything into their system took up about two hours. and I just had to hope that nothing would disappear or break on the way. Fortunately, UPS did a good job and everything arrived intact.

        I did not at any time think about subtle effects of climate differences locally. Books/papers don’t last as long in the PNW – the air is so wet through every winter that I should have bought a dehumidifier for indoors because I’m starting to see the effects of that. Some buildings can feel damp and chilly for months in a way that is hard to escape. Dry goods in the kitchen also need to be very well sealed. On the plus side, I don’t miss the snow, and my skin doesn’t dry out in the winter if I spend it out here. Also the summers are perfect (excepting last year’s heat dome) and I love the ocean and mountains.

        I also really underestimated how much my interests would shift depending on setting. As soon as there were outdoor trails with stunning views, I got preoccupied with running, which I’d always hated before! I had no idea that this one might have depended on location.

    3. wingmaster*

      Hey there! Since you mentioned you’re applying for work – check to see if they offer relocation assistance, since that will be very helpful. I’ve gotten $5,000 relocation assistance for two jobs I had, and this was about just enough to move me long distance within the same country.

      The first move – I was alone, and had most of my stuff shipped through Greyhound and in my SUV which got shipped too. Then I just flew to the new location.

      The second move (during Covid) – I was with my partner and a cat. I drove my SUV. My partner drove the Penske truck with his car hitched to that trailer. Also, with the second move, I was able to use the remaining of my relocation money towards first full month of rent at the new apartment!

      I’d say the most frustrating thing for me (during second move) was availability of Penske/U-haul trucks. I’d pick a location, and the day before/day of pick up they would tell me it’s in a location that’s an hour further of original location. Companies were saying it’s because of the shortages. If you plan to do this route, I’d reserve to pick up 2-3 days before you hit the road instead of what I did, which was pick up the night before hitting the road. As Squirrel Nutkin mention, if you can afford, get movers to do all the work.

      And to Lady Danbury’s comment – you can easily find things to furnish you new place through Buy Nothing group on Facebook, Nextdoor, Craigslist, etc..which would make your move easier and more affordable. Greyhound also charges affordable rates to ship boxes too, if you think your stuff could fit in a few boxes. You can opt to have Greyhound pickup/drop off from your homes or you can pickup/drop off at the stations to save $.

      If you do have pets and plan on road tripping, Motel 6 allows pets to stay for free.

    4. Florida Woman*

      I second the prior advice about doing a scouting trip and purging items instead of moving them. If you decide to move, it would be ideal if you could arrange a short term stay (like in a friend’s basement or a short term rental) for a month to look at different neighborhoods that you are considering before committing to a year long lease. Moving a bunch of furniture and household belongings cross country will at a minimum cost several thousand dollars. Our furniture is mostly from IKEA and it has never been cost-effective to move. We sell it and buy new (IKEA) stuff in the new place. I’ve bought the same Malm bed in three colors in three different cities! Also it’s worth noting that the new region may have different style or architecture that would make your existing furniture look out of place. If you are taking a car, there are car moving services that (10+ years ago) were much cheaper than driving ourselves and staying in hotels but that may have changed.

      One surprising cost of moving to a different region is clothing. Different climate or different styles/expectations usually means a whole new wardrobe which can be tough to manage if you are also paying for moving/new furniture/security deposit/etc. The first time I moved north from Florida I was shocked at how much I needed to spend on a parka, gloves, boots, etc. and that’s before considering the costs of new and different sports or hobbies that you might want to try in the new region.

    5. the cat's ass*

      Did this a while ago, from LA to Boston and then Boston to SF. We got rid of almost everything for the first trip-it was mostly old student-y furniture which all found new homes and all we really had was boxed of (weeded through) books and clothes, which we shipped. We sold DH’s car and drove cross country in our newer one with our two cats. Moving back to CA we had more stuff-we shipped the 2d car (and stuffed it full of books, things) and we took up about a 1/4 of a moving van for the rest. We again took the newer car and drove across the country with the two cats. Both times we stayed at animal friendly hotels and ate locally and it took us about 10 days to arrive. It was less than 2k for the first move and about 5k for the second including the meals, hotels and car shipping. Good luck!

    6. Hlao-roo*

      I’ve moved long distance twice in the past, both times paid for by my company. Hiring movers makes the move much easier. If you use movers, make sure to set aside the items you want to take with you. There may be a few days (or even a few weeks if you’re moving at a busy time of year) at both the old and new places where the movers have your stuff. As an example, for my first move, I brought my important documents, an air mattress, bedding, some clothes, and my toiletries with me. I arrived at my new apartment and realized I had no plates, bowls, silverware, pans, nothing! I didn’t even have a microwave, so I had a few trail mix meals before I went out and bought emergency kitchen supplies. Also, my stuff was delivered after my new job started, and the movers had all of my professional clothes, so I had to go buy some new clothes. Live and learn. The second move went much more smoothly because I did a much better job setting aside the things I needed.

      Another note with movers, they will not take food, money, or plants. All that will have to go with you. I think most companies have some sort of mileage charge, so a New York to Los Angeles move will cost more than a New York to Chicago move.

      In addition to paying for movers (if that’s the route you go), factor in costs for hotel rooms, gas, meals (if you’re driving yourself) or plane/train tickets, meals, etc. (if you’re taking another mode of transport).

    7. Anonymous Luddite*

      My last large move was 20 years ago, so most of my advice is long outdated.
      All I will say is that I got the “special” drugs from the vet for my cat. I would’ve been better served giving them to my mother who accompanied me on the move than giving them to the cat, who handled it like a champ.
      Good luck!

  54. Kay*

    Removed. Sock puppetry is when someone posts comments agreeing with themselves using multiple user names in an attempt to make it look like their viewpoint has multiple defenders. It’s not sock puppetry to simply use a different name.

  55. Miss my cat*

    My cat looks a lot like the cat in this post. He died three days ago unexpectedly due to a heart attack. I am an adult man and I can’t concentrate on anything and I cry constantly. I have lost my appetite entirely and lost about 10 pounds. I have also barely slept. I wake up every night and start crying, unable to go back to sleep. I miss him so much that it hurts physically. I fear there is something deeply wrong with me that I am grieving this hard. I dont feel like I can tell people how badly this has affected me because they will judge me. Nobody can really help me, but I felt like posting.

    1. Pinkbasil*

      I’m so sorry. I can only say that when I lost my dog I cried for a week. It was so hard and I still miss her but time helps. The love you have for him still lives on and makes you a great person and a wonderful pet friend.

    2. A313*

      I am so very sorry for the loss of your cat. What you are experiencing is, in my experience, completely normal. It does get better. One thing that helped a little, early on, was writing them a letter with all of my favorite memories and my feelings. You might be surprised if you reach out to any of your friends who have pets, that they understand. I am glad you reached out here. I did the same last June, when I lost my cat. The support here was even more helpful than I could have guessed it would be, especially as so many here are cat people; even those who aren’t were so thoughtful. Please take good care of yourself.

    3. Bikelover*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing wrong with you- this is a normal grief process. It hurts and it sucks, but you are are a totally normal person grieving for a soul that you are missing. Please give yourself the space to miss your friend.

    4. Generic Name*

      Oh, hugs. There is nothing wrong with you. You have a pure heart. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

    6. Daffodilly*

      Deep love makes for deep grief.
      Nothing wrong with you. Many of us grieve pets deeply, you are not alone. Grieve your kitty and know he was very loved. Try to eat and drink a little, your kitty boy would want you to care for yourself like you cared for him.

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Nothing wrong at all. My beloved was a piece of my soul and losing her was agony. Relationships like these are special.

    8. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I am sorry about your loss. Sometimes the death of a dearly loved animal seems to open the door for of our un-grieved other losses which we suppressed at the time, or didn’t pay attention to for all sorts of reasons.
      If you have to tell people who you think will be dismissive, just say “There has been a death in my family, I can’t talk about it, thank you for not pressing me for details”.
      If you can’t prepare and eat food, see if you can get some of the drinks for invalids like Sustagen etc that chemists have, you do need nutrition so it’s about what can you actually swallow.
      It is ok to tell your doctor you feel consumed with grief. It is ok to ring the helplines (the Samaritan’s, lifeline etc) to talk to a sympathetic ear about it.
      Give yourself time to get through the shock. There is nothing deeply wrong with you for grieving this hard, but you do need to look after yourself while it is happening. You loved and still love him, he will always be in your mind and heart.

    9. Miss My Dog*

      There is nothing wrong with you! You lost a beloved companion and friend. Grief is normal. Most people understand the loss of a pet and would not judge you at all. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time, get as much rest as possible. I won’t add to the sadness by telling you how much grief I went through with the loss of my pet, but it was similar. It’s only been three days. You need time to heal. Best wishes.

    10. Double A*

      I’m so sorry. It makes sense to grieve pets deeply; we spend more time with them than almost any other creature. I’m around my cats more than I’m around my kids and my husband. I still miss my cat who died 6 years ago more than any person that I’ve lost.
      It’s okay to grieve deeply. Nothing will make it better right now, so just feel it. And if there is someone you feel you could tell, I would encourage you to.

      Something I heard recently that really struck me is that grief is the price we pay for love. It’s lovely that you loved your cat so much. Cats are truly incredible creatures. Sometimes, when my cats are just lounging with me, I marvel that these adorable little predators decided to take up with us, and we get to just hang out with them all day. It’s incredible. I’m so sorry your companion is gone; I’m so glad that he got to spend his life with you. He was lucky to have you.

    12. Decidedly Me*

      A therapist once told me that it’s pretty common (and normal) for losing a pet to result in stronger grief than losing people. It was certainly the case for me! I still miss dog terribly and it’s been years. Right after was really, really hard on me.

      I’m sorry for your loss! Grieve the way you feel it – there’s nothing wrong with that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My husband and I cried harder when our first dog died than we cried when our respective fathers died. It was to the point that we both said to each other, “What is up with us????”.

        One thing to know is that grief is cumulative. Each loss can make the next loss a little harder and feelings run a little deeper.

        Always remember that grief for animals and children can run extra deep because of their vulnerability and their innocence. It’s very easy to say, “I should have done more or I should have tried harder.” We have other generalities that we can come up with also such as “this is so unfair”. It’s more to the point to just cry. Crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps the brain to stay healthy. This makes it very important to tell yourself it is okay to cry, it is okay to feel an actual heart ache, stomach ache, etc. Acknowledge the feelings. “Yes, I have a dull pain in my heart/stomach because I am so very sad.”
        I understand this sounds too simple to actually help- but it can be of help. And that is because we bring the feelings to the foreground and allow the feelings to exist, this helps to release us from the stranglehold those feelings seem to have on us.

        So very sorry.

      2. Cj*

        My husband’s father died on January 18th, and he hasn’t cried about that at all. We had to have our pet cat put to sleep this past Thursday, and he is a wreck over that.

        And it’s not referred grief or whatever you would call it. He was emotionally much closer to the cat than to his father.

    13. Hugs to you*

      Oh, I’m so sorry. But There is nothing wrong with you! You have lost a dear friend, and grieving deeply is totally normal. I have gone through it with many kitties over the years and it is deeply wrenching. You have a big heart. Your kitty was lucky to be so loved. Take care of yourself, and know that many of us here will be thinking of you.

    14. Sc@rlettNZ*

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, please don’t think that. You loved your cat and it is natural to be devastated at his loss, especially since it was so sudden. Your cat wasn’t ‘just a cat’, he was your much loved friend and companion.

      The grief will get better, I promise. One day you will be able to reminisce about him and all your happy memories. Be kind to yourself. Loosing a pet sucks but unfortunately it’s the price we have to pay for the time we spend loving them.

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. You mention that you don’t feel like you can tell anyone. Is there a friend or family member you have shared other hard situations with in the past, or who has lost a pet themselves who could be supportive, even long distance? It sounds like going through such a difficult experience alone is adding another burden on top of the pain of losing your cat. Many people have gone through the sorrow you are feeling. I’m not saying that to minimize your personal challenge, but instead mentioning the potential that there are people in your life who may have gone through a comparable loss, and could offer emotional support. I’m glad you posted here.

    16. Miss my cat*

      Thank you to everyone who responded. I’m in a dark place right now so it’s nice to read everyone’s kind words. I can’t respond to every comment right now but I read every single one and I greatly appreciate everyone.

      1. Sam I Am*

        It’s ok, even if it’s inconvenient. I agree with the comment above that you may be grieving all sorts of things along with the loss you your furry friend. My sincere condolences, I’m sure you were good friends to each other and it is so very difficult to lose your pet.

      2. the cat's ass*

        I’m so sorry. That cat-shaped hole in your heart is very painful right now. Youve lost a beloved friend. Please take care of yourself.

    17. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I feel you and I’m so sorry for your loss. My old girl went for her big sleep 3 weeks ago, and I’m still randomly bursting into tears. I still can’t use the camera on my phone because it brings up the photos from her last day and I just lose it. While I’ve lost pets before, she was just so special and such a big part of my life. It’s amazing how the smallest of critters leave the biggest of holes in your heart and your home when they’re gone. It’s a grief that’s hard to explain to non cat people. And I totally get what you’re saying about feeling like you can’t tell people outside your circle about it… it’s “just a cat” to them, but for us that was our buddy, our comfort, our confidant, the one enthusiastically waiting for us to get home, our reason to get up and human on crappy days. It’s a special kind of devastating grief that we feel compelled to make small, despite how huge the impact of their loss is for us. I don’t know how to articulate that well, but I understand it.
      Try to take liquid food like soup or smoothies if you can, and if you need to, take sick time off work to sleep. Being hungry and tired will make you feel worse. Exercise, read, or binge watch something to distract yourself. The feeling won’t go away, but slowly you’ll have longer stretches between the deepest pangs of it. Sending you much love.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        F….k. Sorry, this is just my name here and I forget that, and I forget to change it when the topic is… expiring cats (same issue when I asked for advice about my old girl). I preemptively feel awful about potentially and inadvertently offending you.

    18. SpellingBee*

      Adding my vote here for there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You’re grieving deeply because you love deeply, and that’s a wonderful thing (the loving part, obviously not the grieving part). Part of the acuteness of the grief may be because it happened suddenly and unexpectedly – we lost one of our kitties that way, and his death hit me harder than the others, who all passed at older ages after a long decline. Don’t get me wrong, it was still terribly hard to lose the others, but I had more time to become accustomed to the idea and prepare myself. Please do consider reaching out to a trusted friend or counselor in real life, and in the meantime take care of yourself as best you can. Sending you peace.

    19. Pippa K*

      I’m so sorry and just wanted to join everyone above sharing this particular and agonising experience of grief with you. The loss of a very beloved pet a decade ago still brings me tears occasionally, but I don’t mind anymore – it’s almost a way of feeling he’s still in my heart and honouring how important he was. Like your loss, this happened without warning, and the grief at the time was the worst I’ve ever experienced. I cried so much my cheeks looked sunburnt, and my sleep was disrupted for a long time. So I don’t think there’s something wrong with you, except that you’ve taken a heavy blow straight to the heart. You have all my sympathy.

    20. ThatGirl*

      We lost our dog shortly before Christmas and even though it wasn’t a huge shock, it still hurt like hell. We both intermittently cried for a few weeks. We are still sad. It takes time. You can and should talk to people who love you – and you should also do what you can to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.

    21. Chauncy Gardener*

      I am so very sorry for your loss. This sounds like a very normal level of grief to me, frankly. Please be gentle with yourself. You will get through this, it just takes time. The grief for our animal friends is so deep I think because our love for them is so pure and not complicated by all that human complexity.
      The best way for me to get through this is to get another cat (or dog, as the case may be). I still am grieving the loss but at least my house doesn’t have that awful emptiness and I have someone else to focus on. YMMV and this isn’t the best solution for everyone.
      Please take care of yourself. We’re all here with you in solidarity!

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        And please post again soon and let us know how you’re doing. You are not alone in this at all!

    22. Anna*

      I hope that posting here helped a little. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing to judge you for. You are simply a human being with emotions going through grief. Be gentle with yourself, let yourself process the loss, and give yourself time, love and grace. It feels unbearable now, but that will pass, I promise. You will never forget, but you will heal.

      I’m sorry for your loss.

    23. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’m sorry you are in such pain. Take care of yourself, especially while you are grieving. Hopefully you will carry with you the kindness and understanding expressed here. Sometimes, between weekend posts, I find myself sending good wishes to the people who have shared their concerns. My guess is that other commenters do this also. This means that you will be accompanied into the week by some anonymous but supportive thoughts.

    24. RagingADHD*

      Sometimes experiencing a loss can trigger grief about another, or all the other losses, in your life. It can be intense!

      There’s nothing wrong with how you feel emotionally, but I am very concermed if you have lost 10 lbs in 3 days, because that suggests dehydration, and extreme physical stress can get you into a real mess pretty quickly.

      I’m sure you tended to your sweet cat very carefully. Make sure you tend to your own physical needs, too.

      I’m sorry & take care.

    25. Clisby*

      There is nothing wrong with you at all. Right now I’m holding my almost 16-year-old cat, who seemingly is in good health for his age, but I can see how much he’s slowing down. I’m dreading the day.

    27. SeaMarie*

      When the time comes and you feel a bit better and if you are someone who takes comfort from such things–Findagrave.com allows you to enter pets on their free website. I created a memorial there for my much loved cat, Snuggles. My young adult son called our cat his “best friend” and truly meant it. Myself and my whole family deeply grieved his death–I didn’t eat for three days and cried so, so much. You are not alone. Link to my cats memorial: https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/146029651/snuggles-jacobson

    28. Squirrel Nutkin*

      There is NOTHING wrong with you for grieving a sweet animal with whom you were obviously extremely close. It just shows that you are a caring, kind human yourself.

      That said, you do need to get some sleep. Maybe talk with a doc about whether you might be a candidate for very short-term sleep aids?

      And please take good care of yourself in all the ways — try to eat something easy to digest even though you have no appetite (junk food or fast food is okay right now if you just can’t manage anything else), bathe or shower if you can get the energy, talk with any of your friends who WOULD be empathetic about how you’re feeling, put on some distracting radio or tv even though you may not focus on it all that much. Just, whatever gets you through the day, you know?

      I am so, so sorry for your loss. <3

  56. Pinkbasil*

    Does anyone have any ideas for a good group game (30 or so adults) that will allow people to jump in and out periodically. We’ve done trivia and Pictionary but wondered if people had other ideas.

    1. Karate Snow Machine*

      Monikers is a very fun one. You can buy the game or make your own cards. Codenames is probably the best for people to play passively. You can also do Codenames X-rated if you are ok with lots of alcohol, drug, and sexual terms.

  57. Sundial*

    My husband broke both bones in his leg as a child, and the random weather-related aches are now constant crippling agony that requires a cane in his late thirties. He is terrified of them telling him it’s necessary to rebreak it, and thus keeps avoiding seeing a doctor.

    Has anyone had an old injury that needed new treatment? What did it entail? I’m looking for anecdotes to convince him to seek care.

    1. Jen*

      My Dad broke his leg near the knee as a child. It didn’t heal quite right. He had a knee replacement and it really helped him out.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      This isn’t quite the same– certainly not as serious– but I used to get stress fractures in my feet. First the left, then the right, then right again, etc. The most recent was in 2014, at which point my new podiatrist insisted on physical therapy and it made a huge difference in how I healed. Granted, your husband has already “healed”, but maybe try PT first for the pain, see if there’s anything in the muscles or ligaments that can be addressed? (My insurance doesn’t require a referral for PT, ymmv.)

      1. La Donna*

        I second physical therapy, but one thing to note is that it takes time and is a slow process. I remember when I was getting it done, some lady was yelling at the PTs because she thought it was a waste of money.

        Plusss they do manual physical therapy, which is their word for a massage :)

        1. fposte*

          It’s also a word for ripping adhesions apart with their thumbs, so don’t necessarily expect it to be pleasant. But I’m a huge fan of physical therapy nonetheless, and I managed to avoid surgery last year with the help of a great PT.

          1. La Donna*

            Ohhh yes, I remember vividly a time they were massaging my calves and I was cursing at them. LOL. those things don’t get as much love as they need!

            I also had some active release technique therapy done recently, also cursing at the therapist. Soft tissue work is no joke

        2. AGD*

          This. PT helped me a lot after a minor fracture, but healing basically meant that the pain gradually receded into smaller and smaller corners of my range of motion until, about two years after the accident, it was gone.

    3. Lasslisa*

      This isn’t specific to his kind of injury, but I have cold/weather sensitivity that’s actually not from the bone – it’s from the way the muscles seize up / tighten / shrink when it’s cold and it puts more stress on everything else in the joint. It seems worth him talking to someone involved with PT at least and see if there’s some sort of exercise or stretching he could do to reduce the strain on the bone/joint/injury. It helped me a lot.

      1. UKDancer*

        I’d definitely recommend physio. A good exercise and stretching regime can do wonders for injuries even those sustained a long time ago and can reduce strain on muscles in my experience. I had a knee injury a few years ago and my physio was incredibly helpful in suggesting how to manage recovery. I’d suggest he try that and see if it can help. A good physio is worth their weight in gold as they will know the correct stretches to help particular muscular-skeletal injuries and be able to tell you if it’s something that needs a more medical approach.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here’s another plug for physical therapy. I have arthritic knees and after multiple injuries for one knee eventually got a knee replacement a decade ago. When my other knee began hurting a couple months ago and I ended up on crutches, I was sure I was going to be told I needed to have that knee replaced as well. But when I went to the doctor, they just recommended physical therapy. With strengthening the muscles in my leg, hips, and glutes, my pain has gone away and I’m back to all my normal activities again.

      If your husband will agree to get checked out, he might find that something like physical therapy, etc. is recommended. I think for many doctors, thinking has evolved over the years from the days when surgery and rebreaking bones was the default. I hope he gets relief soon.

    5. WS*

      It is extraordinarily unlikely that they would rebreak anything after this long. It’s very likely that he’ll need to do physical therapy to correct the muscles in the area and support his bones better – I had two broken legs as a kid and a smashed kneecap (car accident) and had the same thing happen in my mid-30s. Apparently I will eventually need a knee replacement, but physical therapy corrected my gait, strengthened my knees and I very rarely even need a cane now. I started with aqua therapy and moved on to the gym.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My husband broke all his ribs and collar bone on one side in a bike accident.

      When the bones went back together they did not match up that well and my husband was kind of tilted to one side.

      The doc said there was no medical reason to break the bones and rest them, UNLESS, my husband was concerned about his appearance. Longer story made short we both said no way in h3ll to this surgery. It turned out to be an excellent choice. The point here is that bone docs can be reluctant to do unnecessary surgeries.

      My suggestion is off the beaten path, maybe? I suggest going to a nutritionist. It could be that some calcuim supplements and/or some vitamin D for calcuim absorption would be a solution for him. There may be other nutrients that he needs such as support for the muscles that are trying to hold these bones in place properly.

      My father had calcuim deposits inside his knee joint. My father said,”NO more surgeries!”. He was surgery-worn-and-beaten-down. He went to a chiro who also worked heavily with nutrition. He was quite willing to see a chiro and he was willing to work with a routine for taking the supplements. Of course that first appointment he was worried that the doc would send him to a surgeon. So there is no escaping some of that worry about surgery. At the end of the first appointment, my father never gave that worry a second thought.

      It WORKED. But it took time. My father stopped limping and the looks of pain on his face stopped. (I cried tears of joy to see the difference in him.)

    7. Emma2*

      I second all the recommendations of physiotherapy. I have a break that was fixed with an internal plate and screws several years ago. I was having pain in the area and was afraid it could be related either to the original injury or to one of the screws irritating something. I went to see a physio and happily the issue was not equipment related, but rather a completely solvable muscle issue probably related to my slightly favouring the other side in the years since the original injury (I will say my pain was much less severe than your husband’s).
      Would it be helpful to remember that (1) even if the doctor says they need to re-break the bone (which I suspect is unlikely), your husband does not actually have to agree to doing that – he always has the option to decide that his current situation or something else is preferable; and (2) if he is not comfortable with the initial advice he receives from the doctor, he can ask about alternatives (she might be recommending what she sees as a the best option, but you could ask her about the next best option) and he can seek a second opinion elsewhere.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes! They’re definitely not going to sit on him and refuse to let him out the door and break his legs without his permission. :)

        1. ShinyPenny*

          Right! Although as someone with a long history of childhood medical traumas, I think that feeling of fear and loss of power is absolutely understandable.
          In my twenties I always brought a friend with me to my first physical therapy appointment with a new PT. Her specific assignment was to back me up if I said, “Stop.” Body autonomy was not a thing granted to kids in the eighties, and this lead to some pretty bad medical experiences. As an adult, it helped to have a really clear discussion with the new PT about my experiences and my boundaries.
          Mostly it helped to deal overtly with all my baggage, and strategize ahead of time. It really helped to know I CAN walk out if I just don’t like the vibe. I do have skills and power. (Now I know “I will sue you” is more effective than begging.) I can bring a body guard!
          Maybe overtly discussing this type of issue would be helpful?

    8. ecnaseener*

      My dad has run every day for over 20 years now. He ignored various injuries in his legs/knees/groin for a literal decade because he assumed any treatment would make him break his running streak. Just wrapped up all the pulled muscles and janky joints and ran through the pain, the weirdo.

      He finally caved and went to the doctor when his knee got excruciatingly bad. They gave him a cortisone shot and it worked like a charm, he didn’t miss a day running.

      Which is not to say that your husband’s legs can be fixed that quickly, but medicine is always improving so they very well might have treatments better than rebreaking them, and he’ll really be kicking himself for not going sooner!

    9. Generic Name*

      That sounds awful. Even if he went to a doctor and they recommended re breaking his leg, he can decline to do that. Your husband doesn’t HAVE to have any medical procedure he doesn’t want to have. No one will force him. He has to give consent. So he can tell his doctor that he doesn’t want to do that, and what are the other options for treatment.

    10. anonagain*

      PT got me access to aquatic therapy. Basically walking around in heated pools. Amazing in cold weather. Other kinds of PT are helpful too, but I like the pool best.

    11. AnonForThis*

      Here’s my anecdote. It convinced ME to seek care sooner, lol. I hope it helps your husband.
      I have a bunch of broken bones/joints in my legs from a drunk driver when I was young. After the final reconstructive surgery, I was extremely averse to any further medical contact. At all. I got very good at self-management of (constant, randomly changing) pain and disability. Denial, NSAIDS, orthotics from a spectacular shoe store, mobility restriction, canes, crutches, reduced expectations—I was pretty committed to staying away from doctors, much less orthopedic surgeons. It worked pretty well for years.
      However, this is how I ended up walking on a ”new” broken bone in my foot for an entire year. I failed to identify this broken bone because I assumed it was just Same Shit, Different Day.
      Failing to identify this quickly was bad strategy for many reasons. Once diagnosed, it took another 6 months of immobilization for that ‘simple fracture’ to heal. Global deconditioning from 18 months of increasingly reduced movement took many years to recover from. I wish I had realized sooner that my past trauma was affecting my judgement, because my forties would have been more fun.
      My new policy is a lot like Alison’s perspective on interviews: consulting an orthopedic surgeon is a two way street. I’m there for information—Xrays, ultrasounds, CT Scans, and one individual surgeon’s diagnosis. I try to get all the imaging done BEFORE the consult (works pretty well with Kaiser– or they do some in the middle of the appointment). I’m looking for red flags regarding how I’m being treated, and whether this person is toxic or seems reliable. I am free to walk away at ANY point. I commit to nothing. I don’t debate, I just ask questions. I leave with more information, and make my decisions later. I ask all the awful awkward questions out loud. I bring a support person “to take notes” (ha, can’t do that in an job interview).
      My immediate goal is a diagnosis, and to rule out monsters in the closet. Anything else is for another day. Orthopedics generally does have that level of clarity– unlike chronic fatigue, or Lyme disease, or mental health issues, or… I know other situations have the added complications of official denial, disrespect, and obfuscation. But your husband has a history of orthopedic injury, and western medicine loves that objective simplicity.
      I wish there was more awareness that medical trauma is “a thing” with long-lasting repercussions—especially later in the lives of child/teen patients. It helped me to remember that I’m an adult now, and I am essentially a customer. This time I will be able to walk away when I want to—and so will your husband. More power to him!

  58. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

    I imagine the original break was frightening and probably very painful. Luckily if a bone has to be broken and re-set, they do that under anaesthetic – a very different experience! It is also possible that it is arthritis which is causing him pain now, and that is manageable/treatable. Or, it is possible that after the original injury that his muscles were not strengthened enough by physiotherapy, so that is putting extra strain on his leg. I remember a physio telling me that after an injury, the muscles have to be strengthened to be better than they were before, to improve the support they give. It is not too late to appropriately strengthen muscles, if that is what is happening.
    Please reassure him that if he sees a doctor, has x rays etc, and the doc says it does need resetting – he does not have to go through with that if he doesn’t want to.
    Chronic pain is a major factor in causing depression, which leads to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness; if he would talk to a therapist about his fears that might help him a lot.
    Best wishes to you both!

  59. Felis alwayshungryis*

    This is for people living in countries that have been dealing with Covid for a while.

    I live in New Zealand, and we’ve absolutely been a victim of our success in this area in that we haven’t had to worry about it particularly and have experienced comparatively little disruption (at least where I live). Now that Omicron is here and the wave is building, my daughter (and the rest of our family) have already had to self-isolate because one of her teachers tested positive. (She’s tested negative twice now, hooray!)

    How the hell do you make plans and go about your life when you know you could get another ‘ping! Home you go for at least 10 days’ at any moment? What contingencies do you have in place? How do you stay positive and see any point in doing things/looking forward to things?

    (Please no ‘oh, you sweet summer child’ comments. I get how lucky we’ve been so far and not for one second have I been complacent about it. I’d just like the benefit of others’ experience here.)

    1. Quandong*

      I’m in Australia and just gearing up for disruptions at the start of the school year – I expect it will affect my work a lot. I was lucky to be in a state without many cases until late 2021.

      In my experience it’s been a process to adapt to very uncertain conditions and simultaneously grieve the loss of pre-COVID life, and get over the shock of how my government is handling the pandemic now.
      Please be kind to yourself, it’s really a tough situation.

      Living with this uncertainty for me means shopping online more than in person, having a stocked fridge & pantry (including shelf-stable everything) to last about 14 days, all regular medications on hand, plenty of N95 respirators, a kit with medicine, tests, oximeter in case I get COVID, and reliable internet. I live alone so I also have a plan for what happens if I need to go to hospital – it lowers my stress levels to have this in place even if it’s never needed.

      I have had to switch to online work with very little notice and needed to buy equipment so I could keep working from home indefinitely if necessary. It was a flurry of racing around to shops in person before lockdown so if you need anything specific it’s good to buy it sooner than later.

      My friends and I now catch up more by text and phone calls and make plans with the understanding they may be cancelled or postponed. We *really, really* appreciate any time we get to spend in person! Same with my family (we all do too many Zoom calls for work but YMMV around socialising by Zoom or FaceTime).

      Getting outside as often as possible, gardening, and therapy all help me to cope with this situation. It also makes a huge difference to stop following news too frequently during the day.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you get some relief from this stress soon.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Thanks! Yes, I think part of it has been waaaay too much news-following. Life’s improved since I stopped browsing Reddit for sure! There’s a very real sense that the party is over and we’re gearing up for…? I don’t know what. I don’t really handle disruption well – I’m a planner and I stick to my plans! I think that’s what I’m struggling with the most. Especially with sudden daycare closures.

    2. Princess B*

      It’s luck and it’s great leadership. I’m envious, since I’m in the US and we’ve been vacillating between mediocre and abject failure.
      On to your question – during surges, my family hunkers down. We’re all vaccinated (except the under 5s), boosted and wear masks. But still got Omicron (daycare). So we only do outdoor, masked activities during surges. When the numbers look better, we are willing to do outdoor restaurants and other events where we eat/drink. You just decide your risk tolerance and what you have to do (e.g., no government support so we can’t quit work and keep kids home), and do your best. Contingencies- maybe stock up on medicine? My impression is your hospitals aren’t full like ours. But if that’s incorrect, generally we are trying to take fewer risks. Now is not a good time to be in a car accident.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        No, the hospital situation so far is okay. But they’re trying to keep it that way, and have been begging people not to do anything stupid that would land them in hospital (especially ICU). I’m happy to oblige!

    3. fueled by coffee*

      Definitely take advantage of the fact that it’s summer now in NZ — plan as much socializing as possible outdoors: lowers your risk while letting you get the mental health boost of social exposure. This pandemic is the freaking worst, but when the weather is nice it’s possible to go about a relatively normal social schedule just… outdoors. Picnics, barbecues, outdoor dining, etc. Even in northern hemisphere winter, I schedule regular walks with my friends (and otherwise mostly hunker down, except when I have to go into work in person), and it’s been a lifesaver. And everyone understands that plans might need to be canceled; these are the times we’re living in.

      Other than that, stock up on nonperishables that can get you through ~2 weeks of meals + toiletries in case you do end up needing to quarantine; while delivery is great these days you don’t want to be stuck in a pinch while (maybe) ill. And make a plan for what you’ll do as a household if one of you is exposed (maybe the exposed person moves to a basement or guest room until testing negative? Or wears a mask around other family members? Obviously this will depend on if the exposed person is an adult or a young child, but you don’t want to be making those decisions while also panicking about potentially having Covid).

    4. Sc@rlettNZ*

      Fellow kiwi here. We were just discussing this very thing at dinner tonight. We’ve stocked up on throat lozenges, paracetamol, tissues and cat food and now it’s just a waiting game. Once the university students return to Dunedin, Omicron won’t be far behind.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        I also live in a university city in the North Island – strangely the student thing hadn’t really worried me because I assumed they’d all study online, but we don’t have the same student culture as Otago!

        Cat food is a good one to stock up on – it’s been hard to find lately.

    5. Lasslisa*

      There’s the worry about getting it, and there’s the worry about having to quarantine. For trying not to get it, vaccines and outdoor socializing and good masks, and cutting back on unnecessary gatherings. For quarantines… Honestly, where I am there’s not a lot of mandatory quarantine anymore and when there was everyone was doing it, so it’s just been a thing we learn to deal with. Like making plans with my friends when their kids were little – sometimes our plans would get scuttled by a meltdown or a crisis or just an unusually bad night’s sleep, and we all roll with it the best we can, and that is also the attitude for making plans now – maybe I will get the sniffles and have to cancel, maybe not.

      If/when your workplace develops more remote work capacity that also helps a lot. I can usually pivot from onsite to remote work on fairly short notice (not always, and sometimes it means having to ask someone else to do something for me, but sometimes I have to do things for someone else too, we all make it work).

    6. Kate in Scotland*

      Definitely stock up on what you’d need for an infection/quarantine as others have said.
      We’ve tried not to leave anything till the last minute e.g. car service, renewing insurance, just to have some time in hand in case we get sick.
      Personally, I’m still just refusing large events. For small events that are very important to me, I explicitly schedule at least one back-up (e.g. I was supposed to visit my sister at New Year but cancelled because of the omicron surge and moved to half term which is this week, if we cancel this week I’ve got time off pencilled in for March). I honestly find the fact that everything is provisional very difficult as I’m a planner by nature, but everyone is in the same boat.

    7. Quandong*

      I live in Australia where there were almost no cases until late 2021, but several lockdowns without much warning. It’s the start of school term face-to-face tomorrow and I expect there will be a lot of disruptions and necessary isolation very soon.

      The mixture of apprehension, coping with uncertainty, and grieving pre-pandemic life has been draining for me, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself at this tough time. It’s scary and challenging and a marathon with too many surprise sprints.

      I’ve recently gone through another burst of shock and anger and disappointment at the way the authorities have decided to handle Omicron here. I think it’s a lot like riding waves, and I’m trying to keep myself from getting stuck in the highly reactive phase of the waves (not always successfully).

      This is what I’ve done to prepare for possible spontaneous isolation/quarantine in the very near future – it’s what I did to prepare for lockdowns with little notice too:

      1. I bought 14 days’ worth of necessary food and household supplies, particularly shelf-stable items for the pantry
      2. I made sure I had enough of my prescribed medications to last 14 days without requiring a visit to the chemist to get a script refilled
      3. I prepared in case I caught the virus and was told to stay home & manage the symptoms on my own by assembling a first-aid kit with thermometer, pulse oximeter, Rapid Antigen Tests, ibuprofen, Soothers, Hydralyte, saline nasal spray, tissues, lip balm etc (there should be a few lists online about essentials for different households)

      Because I live alone I also made a plan for who to contact and who would care for my pet if I need to go to hospital if I am very unwell – this helps me feel less stressed but it may not suit everyone!

      4. I upgraded my internet to be as reliable as possible for indefinite working from home if necessary
      5. I bought special equipment I wouldn’t usually keep at home to allow me to keep working
      6. I bought N95 respirators so I have suitable PPE when I do return to work in person, and for when I need to go grocery shopping or to unavoidable appointments e.g. unexpected vet appointments
      6. I postponed unnecessary activities and avoided crowds, especially indoors
      7. I changed as many appointments to online as possible
      8. I ordered food and equipment online when I wasn’t able to go to a store in person.

      With my friends and family over the last two years, since we have had varying levels of lockdown and internal borders shut in the country, it’s mainly been sms, email, and phone call catch ups. We make plans with the understanding they may be cancelled at the last minute, or postponed (this was hardest for the people who were trying to plan interstate travel and flights).

      Most of us have used Zoom or Teams excessively so we don’t catch up that way. When it is possible to meet up in person we *really, really* appreciate the time together!

      In terms of staying positive and looking forward to things, I found it really fluctuates, and that’s okay. I don’t think it’s realistic to feel positive when living through a pandemic.

      What has helped me to overall regain balance and not sink into despair, is getting outdoors every day for at least 20 minutes – I took up gardening again after a long time, and it’s been the single best thing I have done for my wellbeing. I also kept going to therapy, which has helped immensely. If I can do something every day that makes me forget the pandemic, it gradually builds my ability to cope with uncertainty and bad news.

      I hope you might find some of this useful. All the best in getting through this next bit.

      (I acknowledge I was fortunate to have enough money in the bank to make these purchases and not everyone has equal access to necessary funds or resources).

    8. Bagpuss*

      I think a combination of forward planning and acceptance that some things are not in your control, and thinking about your personal level of risk and what you are comfortable with.
      So, have some stocks of non perishable stuff – which might include having a stash of things such as a couple of books or toys for your kid so there’s something new for them if you have to isolate.
      Think about how you would get essentials. Do local supermarkets deliver? If not, is there a local support group or could you start one? I am in the UK and when it all started, a lot of communities set up systems so that people who were isolating or shielding could ask for help with shopping or collecting prescriptions etc. Where I live, a group was set up within days of the first lockdown via the village Facebook group – I also had contact with my immediate neighbours and while I haven’t had to self-isolate, I know if I did I would be able to ask them to help by dropping off shopping etc.
      I think for other things it’s a case of recognising that plans (yours and others) may change at short notice and factoring that in , including for anything that you need to pay for, checking out cancellation policies etc.
      Here, a lot of places have made changes to their policies for Covid related cancellations (normally non-flex train tickets can be switched to a new date, shows may offer a refund or alternative date, for instance)

    9. Janet Pinkerton*

      Honestly, a lot of people are really struggling to do what you describe. I have friends who have functionally isolated at home for nearly two years, only rarely seeing family, even. So please don’t feel bad about struggling.

      I honestly haven’t really made plans in two years? Like maybe I’ll have something once a month. I do see a personal trainer twice a week and that’s been a godsend. We have the standing appointment and sometimes one or the other of us will have to cancel, and we just roll with it. I’ve gone on several trips and basically I prepare as well as I can and just make my peace with potential risks. I try to make it so if I have to isolate after, that will be okay.

      And I personally have kind of just stayed positive because there’s nothing else to do? I’m also finally about to give birth after three years of fertility treatment so that has been a real mood boost—I had time to get treatment while working from home and then I could hide my pregnancy from everyone, which I liked.

      Last up, I know we could order groceries for ten days or have someone drop them off for us. Plus we could order basically anything in. We’ve avoided that generally over the past two years because I am not comfortable displacing my risk onto someone who can’t afford not to work in person doing Instacart or Seamless or Amazon deliveries, but I know the option is there if needed.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Congratulations! All the best for the new baby – it’s the perfect excuse for hunkering on the couch and bingeing Buffy (or maybe that was just me). Enjoy the snuggles!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I did as much as I could to control my chances of exposure.

      Of the things I choose to do- I pick the upper level important stuff and let the rest go. I don’t make plans for things that are not necessary. I use Zoom for a lot of stuff.

      Keep in mind that everyone is in the same boat. This means that if you make an appointment for a doc, it’s expected you will call in and cancel if necessary. People do flex because of the times we are facing. The old rigid rules have fallen away, at least temporarily. This means if the car needs fixing, make an appointment. On the day of the appointment you might have to cancel OR the shop may call and cancel. You simply reschedule for another day or if the shop canceled you could try to find another shop. People tend to come together in the sense of working around the need of the moment- such as a quarantine.

      Go ahead and plan what is necessary. Then like a patch work quilt, reconfigure as necessary.

    11. Aly_b*

      In some ways it’s easier for me because I have basically rearranged my life so that I’m always in isolation – work from home, don’t go to restaurants, etc. I see friends but not really during a surge and mostly outdoors.

      From your description though the one thing that has helped me and might be relevant for you is acknowledging the uncertainty in the planing stages. Eg let’s meet up for coffee this weekend if all goes well, and checking in a few times prior to that to make sure. That takes away at least some of the social anxiety brain part of maybe needing to cancel for me. Others have given practical advice but for me the uncertainty of it all has been one of the hard bits, and having that baked in has somehow helped. If things have to change, that’s ok, that was part of the plan from the start.

      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I think the key is to accept that if you make plans, there’s a chance they won’t happen when you hope they will, and that’s how things are at the moment. Two years in here and no one minds when the inevitable ‘sorry, can’t make it, tested positive’ message comes in. With Omicron it’s felt over the last few months like literally everyone (especially people with children) has Covid and I think we’ve shifted into an ‘everyone’s going to get it at some point’ sort of mentality. I think the thing is to keep making plans and having things to look forward to, but not to get too caught up in them so that if they do go awry you’re not too upset – think of things more as a ‘it’ll be nice if we get to do X’

        1. fueled by coffee*

          The one thing I’ll add to this is — please also cancel your plans if you’re sick with something that’s not covid! Nobody wants to get sick anyway, but when every symptom might mean quarantining until you can test negative, PLEASE don’t be the person who pulls the “Oh, don’t worry, it’s just a cold” move, and everyone will be grateful if you reschedule for the next week.

    12. Generic Name*

      In the US, people seem to understand that events can get cancelled at a moment’s notice or people have to back out of something at the last second due to Covid. You make plans but try to be flexible if things change. I had to postpone a work lunch because I was still getting over Covid, and folks were very understanding.

    13. RagingADHD*

      We have been very lucky that none in our family have caught it despite being in a high transmission area with minimal or no precautions enforced in public.

      Nevertheless, the inability to make long-range plans or keep consistent committments has probably been the most disruptive and damaging thing to my mental health. I am highly dependent on external routines to impose structure on my chaotic inner life.

      My only coping mechanism has been to lower my expectations and suck it up. I have been drifting in limbo, losing time, and struggling to stay oriented for the last 2 years, and it has taken a big toll.

      I hope this tunnel of chaos is short for you.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        “I am highly dependent on external routines to impose structure on my chaotic inner life.”

        That struck a chord! I’m a real planner and I don’t like disruption to those plans – like I really struggle with tentative friend dates. Just give me a day and time and I’ll turn up! But yes, I think lowering expectations has to be inevitable – expect disruption (and plan for it) and you can’t be disappointed.

    14. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Thank you to everyone for your wise and kind replies.

      It’s true that we’re all going to have to adjust our expectations and plan for things with the possibility it won’t be able to go ahead. For me, my stress is less about getting sick than the sword of Damocles hanging over everything in my life. (Though I’m trying not to think about what will happen if we both get covid and somehow still have to parent. It was bad enough doing it through a tummy bug when she was a toddler.)

      I’m trying to build a business in the three days a week we have childcare and it’s been hard enough with the usual sick days, let alone a sudden 10 days’ self-isolation. It really screws with my momentum and motivation, you know? And that pushes my self-worth buttons. But I’m fortunate not to have to navigate all this with an employer.

      It probably doesn’t help that pandemic fatigue has well and truly set in, except I ain’t seen nothing yet. It was that letter the other day that made me think of all this.

      I wish you all safety and better times soon.

      1. Frederick*

        In addition to what others said, I think it’s really important to find something to hold on to for hope for the future.
        Every time we’ve gone back into quarantine I have gotten really depressed, grieving the loss of plans that have to be canceled, knowing we can’t go outside for the foreseeable future, being starved of social interaction which magnifies issues with people you live with, losing sense of purpose which affects your productivity. Sure I have all this time I could learn to bake bread, but I have no energy to because what’s the point when I could die from going out to get the ingredients?

        Having some kind of routine like changing your clothes and going for walks, getting sunlight, making food really helps. And take advantage of being outdoors in summer, it is 100x tougher in cold winter. Think of the children’s book Frederick, we need to stock up on happy memories to see us through this tough time.

  60. Ali + Nino*

    Any reformed chronically late people – or life-long punctual people?

    I’m the child of two “time optimist” parents – one more frantic than the other – and I really dislike this trait in myself. I’ve tried setting my clocks 10″ ahead, but that doesn’t seem to help since I know the trick. Setting reminders in my phone helps for appointments/phone calls/commitments. But somehow I still seem to rush at the last minute to, say, get out the door to drop off or pick up my kids.

    I would love to become a punctual person, I’m just at a loss as to how to get there. Any and all advice appreciated!

    1. Lasslisa*

      Oh, this is a good one for me! I’m a huge time optimist – I remember my commute was usually 35 minutes, so I tried to always allow 45, and one time I was going in an hour early and made the drive in 22 minutes and I could hear myself think “oh, it’s a 22-minute drive! I can set my alarm later!” And was just kicking myself like, no! The best ever is not the baseline!

      I find it often takes “being late” to break the inertia of whatever I’m doing and convince myself I have to stand up NOW. The idea of leaving at 7:50 when I don’t have to leave until 7:58 also just trips me up as such a waste. I have eight more minutes! I can wash some dishes! I can reply to that email! (…ten minutes later… Also, I didn’t have 8 minutes to do other things, I had 8 minutes until I had to be putting the car in drive, but my shoes were not on and my purse was under a jacket somewhere and locking the house does take a small but non-zero time.)

      So, what I’ve started doing: (1) I take the train now, so there is an objective measure.
      (2) I plan extra five minutes in the morning, pack ahead the night before, and try to remember my “standing up time” rather than my “in the car starting to move and look at the clock time”. Ex, the train leaves at 7:54, it’s a fifteen (actually 13) minute walk there, but it takes me a few minutes to get my keys and the house locked up, and actually I need to be there before the train arrives so I can cross the tracks, so I need to be MOVING out the door urgently by 7:34 (20 minutes) before. And when I’m not – if it’s 7:38 and I’m still in the house – I need to hurry and I still might end up sprinting for (and missing) my train, even though it’s “only a 13 minute walk”. Then when I am getting dressed and trying to figure out which earrings to wear and I see it’s 7:30 I feel that panic-adrenaline of needing to GO GO GO
      (3) actively avoid starting “bonus chores” when I’m on a time crunch, the only thing I do between getting up in the morning and arriving at the train station is check for emergencies, get dressed, and go to the station. Need to send my uncle a birthday card? Write it the night before, or run out on my lunch break. Noticed socks on the floor, dirty dishes, floor needs sweeping? They’ll last til evening. Treating those activities as an indulgence rather than a virtue has really helped.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thanks for your thoughts! Interestingly when I work at a cafe and haveto take a bus to relieve the babysitter I have never missed it because I give myself a wide margin of error for being at the bus stop (just across the street!) – like I leave 10″ before the bus is supposed to arrive. So good point re: the train. And totally agree on the bonus chores – that’s where time optimism will get you!

        1. fposte*

          Heh, see, and to me that’s not a wide margin of error, that’s the appropriate departure time. I think non-punctual people, for whatever reasons of experience or wiring, get to the “red zone” of urgency much later than punctual people. I wonder if that’s resettable?

      2. I take tea*

        Oh yes! The “I have ten minutes, I can do this and this and…” I struggle with that all the time. It doesn’t help that I tend to be more “on” when I’m on my way, which means I’m more observant and remember stuff to do better.

        One very helpful tip I got from here actually, some years back, is to time f.ex. the commute several times, to get a better feel for how long it really takes. That way the one time everything went perfectly and took ten minutes less than usual doesn’t get stuck in your brain.

        Another tip I’m still working on myself is seeing the transition time from one place to another as valuable time in itself, a way of practicing mindfulness, if you like. That’s hard, but as Disapparition isn’t something that actually exist, I need to learn this, so I’m not perpetually stressed.

    2. WS*

      My partner has ADHD so I have to be organised for the both of us! The key for me is to have everything ready to go no later than 30 minutes before leaving time: if I need to leave at 10 and take shopping bags, my wallet, the car keys and an umbrella, all those things will be at the door by 9:30. When it’s 9:50 I get my partner moving and then at 10 I can just go. It’s harder with kids but you can still to this to a large extent by having everything else ready and using those 10 minutes as kid-hassling time.

      2. Lasslisa*

        This is definitely one of the things that helped me. When I have a quiet moment, prepping to leave later, and then the transition time needed is less.

    3. Batgirl*

      The setting your watch ten minutes faster thing does not work. Only innately punctual people who tell you to “leave earlier” or “get up sooner” (never!) think that it works. I’ve been punctual for about ten years and I’m in my forties. A colleague recently expressed surprise that I consider myself a late person. The key for me is to find out where your black hole/time suck is. I find it nearly impossible to keep track of time when doing a task, and alerts don’t help because they come mid task and I still have to finish the task that I have been doing too slowly. It’s also stressful to have multiple alarms going off. For me it was mostly a mornings issue, so I a) reduced morning tasks by getting everything as ready as possible the night before, b) created a morning playlist which kept me on task at the right pace. In the early days, I also packed breakfast to eat at work so I could get in half an hour early to eat. Often I was late for breakfast but not work, which is easily solved with a cereal bar while your reputation for lateness is harder to fix. Eventually I was able to accurately calculate how long my journey actually takes on average, and the most efficient time to leave and beat traffic (Google maps is good for this too). Nowadays I have a leisurely breakfast at home and get to work exactly when I plan to.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Great idea re: time sucks – as I commented above we time optimists always think we can squeeze in “just” one more whatever…not so! I like your idea of a playlist. And I try to have kids’ lunches and clothes ready to go the night before, for sure, but sometimes I don’t :( i need to build it into my schedule the night before. It makes mornings much less chaotic.

        1. Batgirl*

          It’s routine, routine, routine. Maybe people who can judge the passing of time well can squeeze things in, or maybe they know they can’t. All I know is if it’s important it’ll be in my routine.

    4. Jules the First*

      Are you sure it’s time optimism and not an executive function issue? I thought for years that my perennial lateness was a function of trying to do too much and treated it as a personal failing and then I was working with an executive coach at work and she matter-of-factly mentioned that it was a shame no one had ever helped me with my executive function challenges and we should work on some better coping techniques for measuring time passing. It was a revelation for me to realise that other people have an innate sense of how long two minutes feels, given that I don’t, but life is a lot easier now that I have accepted that I need outside help to manage the passing of time. I use a lot of timers and physical pacing cues…I have a morning playlist that gets us out the door on time because I know which song is associated with which activity, and other playlists for other time-sensitive task strings. At work I have a lovely little set of sand timers (5, 15, 30, and 60min) that look decorative on my desk but also serve as a visual cue for time passing.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thank you for these ideas, and the suggestion re: executive functioning. Were there any other “symptoms” that led your coach to believe this was an issue for you? maybe I should look into it.

        1. Jules the First*

          I think NotSoNewReader gives a great explanation below of what “normal” looks like. Executive function issues with time mean I am fundamentally incapable of doing this: I can have the exact same routine every morning, down to eating the same meal and wearing the same outfit and without my calibrating playlist and loads of alarms, I can be five minutes late one day and 45 minutes late the next. So if you’re someone who is consistently 5min late, your executive function is probably fine. The other big sign is that I *cannot* be on time just by making an extra effort – I am unpredictably late for everything: meetings with my boss, nights out with friends, doctor’s appointments, flights, movies…and then once in a blue moon I turn up early.

          1. Ali + Nino*

            Thanks for sharing this description, it’s really helpful! I definitely think I fall more into the “consistently and predictably running 10″ late” category.

      2. Lasslisa*

        Absolutely I also have a poor internal sense of time passing. I used to have a lot of arguments with my partner about this because I would always be late getting home from work (he once got mad because “you can be on time to meetings with your boss, but not for me!” and I got to tell him in fact I had been caught up in debugging and late to a meeting with my boss – didn’t realize until she called me – that very day).

        Alarms helped, but also just not starting things that will make me hyperfocus, if I don’t have the time to be immersed. So if I wrap up a task or get out of a meeting and only have another fifteen, ten, twenty minutes at work the rest of the time is “getting ready to leave”. (This includes lots of work activities but only the boring ones.)

    5. La Donna*

      I’m a very punctual person and my husband is not, he’s not bad but usually 10-15 minutes late. I talk to my therapist about it because he just can’t grasp how long things take. He’ll be focused and working and I’ll remind him that we’re leaving in an hour (and when I say leaving, I mean in the car driving out the neighborhood gate. Not getting things packed up).

      Then he’ll get huffy bc he knows we have to leave, and that I’m nagging lololol. Then he continues working for 50 more minutes, and still has to shower and get ready, and we’re leaving 10 min past when I wanted to. Now I just add appointments to his calendar with 2 email notifications, stating where leaving 30 minutes before we actually are.

      My therapist said it’s time blindness. Where you don’t realize how long things take. Totally true for him, especially when he’s working. He’s very focused and just continues and can’t be interrupted.

      As far as what I do, I plan to leave at a certain time and plan my getting ready backwards. It’ll take me 15 minutes to drive to X place, allow 5 extra for traffic or stoplight BS, it’ll take me 40 min to shower and do my hair, allow an hour just in case. Etc etc. then that gives me plenty of time to do what I need to do and by the time I’m ready I have 15 or so minutes to spare.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I love it – secrets from a punctual person ;) This is going to sound stupid but I think sometimes I run late because I don’t want to be bored, that is get wherever I’m going and have nothing to do! You mentioned having an extra 15″ built in based on how you plan – duh, I should just bring a book. Part of why I want to become more punctual is to show respect for others’ time.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I’ll be totally honest: Making it about the people I impacted and respecting their time was not enough to overcome my constant lateness. It had to be about what was in it for me. And what sucked most about being late is how it stressed ME out. I spent the whole way worried about being late, willing everything to go faster, foiled by red lights or train delays. I’d spend the whole way there beating myself up for being late AGAIN. Then I’d arrive flustered and agitated. By making it about reducing my own stress and avoiding that panicked body response, I was able to build the habit and now I’m on time all the time. (Obviously if it doesn’t stress you out as much as it did me this won’t be very helpful!)

          1. Lasslisa*

            Yes! It’s so much more pleasant to have plenty of time.

            I try (though don’t always succeed) to tell myself, whatever email or web surfing I want to do, I can arrive 10m early and then do it there (at the train platform, in the break room at work, in my car parked outside my friend’s home). Never bored in the smartphone era.

        2. Dino*

          I’ve always been punctual, but I was raised by punctual people. I’ve also learned not to start a task I must finish within 2 hours of needing to be somewhere.

          Other secret: I don’t like feeling flustered or rushed. I like having 10-15 minutes to depressurize myself before I have to be engaged with people. So I leave early enough to allow me that time. I write in my journal often during those waits in my car. It’s a nice ritual so I see it as giving myself that to arrive early.

          1. fposte*

            This is very true of me as well. It’s funny how it seems there’s a split between people who feel the extra time is unnecessary waste and people who consider it a plus.

        3. Person from the Resume*

          Phones are wonderful for this. You have something to look at or do if you get there early. Before smart phones, I always brought a book to read in case I was early.

          I think it was discussed on this blog before how some people are late because they want to arrive exactly on time, but that makes them late because they don’t build in room for error. Room for error is … I will aim to arrive 15 minutes early, I will add 5 min to my expected drive time (for a short trip), how much time to find parking plus 5, walking out the door time is 5 minutes before you need to drive off. Yes I might be early but I can read on my phone until whatever starts.

    6. HannahS*

      I go back and forth on being early and a bit late. When I need to re-set to being punctual (and recalling that punctual usually means a bit early,) I do a re-set to being 15 minutes early, not just on time. Like, for the next three months, your goal is not to be punctual, but to be 15 minutes early. Round all times up to the nearest 10 for a car trip and 5 for a walking trip, and then add a 15 minute pad. Include subdivisions of tasks, like paying for parking, walking from the parking lot to your office, removing your coat and powering up your computer, etc.

      So, let’s say I have to go to a doctor’s appointment at 4:00 p.m., and the clinic is in my apartment building on the ground floor. I might think to myself, “It only takes 5 minutes to get there, so I’ll leave at 3:55” which for a lot of time optimists means “I’ll stop what I’m doing at 3:55 and get ready” rather than “I’ll lock my front door on my way out at 3:55.” That plan will make me late.

      Instead, I’ll plan like this for a walking trip: I might want to go to the bathroom before I go = 2 minutes—nope, round up to 5. I have to get ready to go (coat, shoes, etc) = 1 minute–no, round up to 5. I have to travel there (elevator plus walk to the correct unit) = 5 minutes. And I want to be 15 minutes early. So I need to leave at 3:30. Then I have a better chance of seeing that it’s 3:30, getting up, and starting all my “getting ready to go” tasks.

    7. fposte*

      I used to be obsessively punctual; now I’m just pretty punctual. For me it starts in the measuring: there are almost never time units under 15 minutes, and I always round up. I measure the time not from door to door but from home sofa to receptionist’s desk, or sofa to movie seat, whatever. So it’s great that my street gets me to that street in 15 minutes, but it’s 5 to get out of my house and another 5 to find parking, plus time to wander through the maze inside. So Google’s drive time for the route isn’t enough time to allow for the trip.

      The farther away (and more important the appointment), the more of a cushion that gets added to travel time. A doctor’s appointment that’s 3 hours away by Google gets 3 1/2 to 3 3/4 of an hour left from sofa to desk. Bad weather or conditions requires cushion too; I don’t want to be in a position where I feel pressured to drive fast on ice because I’m running late.

      But some of this is just my innate response to time as urgency. It sounds like you might tell yourself that the cushion is a pretend thing and still leave only 3 hours before. If you’re with other people, what happens? Can you move with the punctual crowd for preparation and departure or do you not get your coat on when they are?

    8. Nela*

      I managed to do this. I’m never late to important meetings anymore.

      My main problem is that I’d keep working /painting / reading / playing games / whatever until the last possible moment (because I HATE task switching), and then getting ready took more time than I thought it would. Stopping the previous activity on time was my biggest stumbling block. So that’s the point on which I’m having to put the most focus.

      How I’m doing it:

      1. I do not start an activity within an hour of having to start getting ready to leave. It’s just too risky because if I get into the zone, I’ll lose track of time.

      2. I normalized waiting around. Yes waiting is boring, I hate it, but if I want to be on time, I’ll likely have to wait for someone or something, rather than others having to wait for me. So if I start getting ready earlier than I need to (because I have nothing else to do, since I’m not allowed to start another activity) and just sit on the couch for 10 minutes before leaving, I treat it as a nice pause to rest for a bit, not an inconvenience. I don’t see it as “wasting” time anymore.

      3. Calendar notifications for when I need to start getting ready, when I need to put on my shoes and leave home, and when I need to leave and RUN to the bus station. Hearing those sounds lets me know if I’m ahead or behind schedule.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      In watching people who are chronically late I noticed a few things.

      They don’t have a set routine that they move through each morning. Each day it seems to be a surprise that they need to pack a lunch or wash their hair, etc. I made myself have a plan for the recurring known activities.

      They seem to think that they should remember absolutely everything at all times. I lay things out the night before because I do not think it’s realistic to remember everything each morning. Let’s say I promised to bring in a book for a cohort. That book would go into my tote bag the night before my next workday. Lunches were made and in the fridge. I put reminder notes on my placemat for the unusual things that could not be done the night before.

      They recognize they are chronically late but still do things that are not necessary to get out the door. I have seen people vacuum their entire house, read advice columns, eh, even someone who cleaned the cat box and got thrown off course by the additional time sink. In the morning, I only did the necessary things to get out the door.

      And reality is that even with all this micromanaging I did to myself, there was always an unforeseen, the furnace broke, the dog got loose, the car would not start, there was a major detour due to an accident, I can list off at least 30 things that randomly occurred more than once. So I had to add in time for unforeseens.

      If I happened to be ready early, I’d let myself go get a bit more coffee or read a short article in a magazine. I chose an activity that was short/finite. More currently, there are days where I have a real time crunch and I do not let myself turn the computer on. I can forget to push back from the computer sometimes. Anything that makes me lose track of time is not something I allow myself to do.

      I do believe that if it is not naturally in us, then we have to work to train our brain to focus on timeliness. I think it is not realistic to believe that many people are naturally on time. I think that most people really have to work at it to be on time every day. I know I jumped through hoops to be on time for work. Changing my expectation from “this should be easy” to “this requires a focused effort each and every day” really helped keep me on track.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thanks for your thoughtful answer. This point – “Changing my expectation from “this should be easy” to “this requires a focused effort each and every day” really helped keep me on track.” – makes me feel like my goal is not impossible!

        Your point about routines is well-taken, i.e. lunches need to be made, kids need to get dressed, etc. I prepped lunches, backpacks, & clothes TONIGHT for tomorrow morning – definitely a help when I do it, but I need it to more regular, which is why I need to build it into my schedule. It’s not a surprise!

    10. Hlao-roo*

      I was a chronically early person for a long time (now more of an approximately on-time person) and I am friends with a chronically late person. I was talking to them about it once, and they said “I know when I’m going to be late, but I’m doing a task and for me it is more important to finish that task than to leave the task undone and be at the next thing on time.” Whereas I will either not start a task if I know it’s going to take me too long in the time I have before I need to leave to be somewhere, or will leave in the middle of a task if it’s something like washing dishes.

      For my shift from chronically early to mostly on-time, it’s all about what I want (or want to avoid). I used to think being late was the worst thing in the world, so I always planned my day around important time commitments. How long will it take to get there? When do I need to leave? I’d spend 10 or 15 minutes pacing around my house or waiting anxiously on my couch for the appropriate time to leave or for someone to pick me up. Over time, I’ve decided that being early can be just as awkward/uncomfortable as being late. So I still plan out how long it will take to get to a place and when I will need to leave, but I don’t always pad my travel time as generously and I’m not as fussed about leaving at exactly 7:45 (or whenever).

      My friend and I both have a pretty good sense of time and executive function. The difference is in life philosophy (always finishing tasks before starting new ones vs. abandoning tasks for more pressing tasks) and priorities. If I want to arrive early, barring a terrible accident, I will arrive early. If I want to arrive late, I’ll arrive late. If none of what I wrote resonates with you, look more into the time blindness/time optimism/executive function that other commenters mention.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I used to be punctual before I had kids, because I had much more time margin for things. That’s really the only thing that worked (or works now): building in a lot more margin than seems reasonable. Especially with travel times, like allowing 20 minutes for a 10 minute trip, or 50 minutes for a 30 minute drive.

      I need that margin because somehow I can lose 5-7 minute just walking from one end of the (quite small) house to the door. I have no idea where that time goes, because I’m not stopping and doing anything else. Maybe half my clocks are fast and the other half go slow, I don’t know.

      I set alarms for when I need to start getting ready and when I need to leave, rather than for the event itself.

      TL:dr – overcompensate.

    12. anonagain*

      I had a roommate who was always scrambling in the morning. I think it was down to them looking at their phone while eating breakfast but not budgeting for the extra time.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        My mornings were horrible for more than a decade, mainly because I was bad at getting out of bed. It turned out to be insomnia, which I did not know I’d had as my symptoms weren’t the prototypical ones.

    13. Alexis Rosay*

      My main experience with an off sense of time is that husband and his whole family are time pessimists (which seems much less common than time optimists). They always assume that something terrible will happen and set them back, so they leave huge swathes of time open to get things done. Like they usually get to the aiport 4-6 hours before their flight. I love that my husband is not late for things, but we do disagree about what time to get to the airport.

      I’m very punctual; I became a high school teacher after college so I basically lived and died by the clock. I wore a watch that I referred to constantly, I’d plan my classroom activities down to the minute sometimes. I guess my advice would be to wear a watch and refer to it constantly; it really helped me develop a highly accurate sense of how long things take.

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      So many great suggestions above.
      Where I work, the Union workers have a saying, “Early is on time. On time is late. Late is fired.” As someone who used to be pretty apathetic about being punctual, that phrase has helped kind of reset my sense of urgency to be on time to things.
      It might be worth thinking about what motivates you- check out Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies- she talks about internal and external motivators and how most people find that one works better that others for them. (External motivators are big for me, so I’m more likely to be on time if I’m going to meet someone than if it’s just me getting to work by 9:30am.)
      I do set alarms to get out the door in the morning with my kids. They know when a certain song starts to play, it’s the “school bus alarm” and they need to start getting shoes, jackets, and backpacks. The schoolbus alarm is a full ten minutes before we need to walk out the door, but it always feels like a rush. I think no matter how much lead time I give myself, getting out of the door is just always going to feel like a haul as long as I’m responsible for three young kids as well as myself. I guess that’s the thing… you can be rushed and punctual and being rushed is sometimes a different issue, I think than being late.

  61. Anima*

    Uh, commenting a lot this weekend because I try to give back to the community here, since y’all were so helpful for me the last few threads. Thank you!

  62. Camelid coordinator*

    Anyone watching the Olympics? It is so great to be able to watch different women’s sports in the same day. Team USA has done about as well as expected in women’s hockey, it’ll be interesting to see how they do against Canada.

    1. ecnaseener*

      Women’s snowboarding last night was very fun! In my time zone the events are happening mostly overnight so I haven’t watched a ton.

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        That is the same in my area also. Sometimes events start at 8 am my time, which will only work on the weekends. I missed the snowboarding, maybe I’ll watch a replay!

        1. Lifelong student*

          I find the later hours for the more spectacular sports to be really annoying. I mean things like figure skating in the winter, gymnastics, and swimming finals in the summer. Actually, for most people- at least in the more eastern part of the states, prime time events and shows are too late. People have to be up and moving in the morning- for work or school.

          1. ecnaseener*

            Well, when the events are happening on the other side of the world we can’t really be surprised that the schedule doesn’t work for us! Happily we have replays and YouTube

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’m enjoying much of it. (The women’s snowboarding was awesome! Congrats to New Zealand!) Not so much into the team sports like hockey (which I never can follow, even with visual aids showing where the puck actually is {grin}), though I do watch some of the curling just because it’s so very… different from everything else that it’s kind of a relief. The speed skating can be very exciting, also the luge, and the downhill skiing (with or without moguls). And the figure skating is always fun, with some amazing new talent coming along as the veterans are (probably) winding up their Olympics careers.

  63. Friendship Struggle*

    Any thoughts or advice on what to do about a good friend who is friends with someone who hurt me? I’ve been dealing with this for a while now. I have a good friend who is friends with an awful person who emotionally abused me. This person did things like constantly lose her temper at me, blame me, guilt trip me, even gaslight me. She has also lost her temper and been horrible to others as well. She legitimately has issues and she knows she should see a psychologist to work through her problems. But not surprisingly, I left the group and so have others.

    I am still good friends with someone who is friends with this awful person though. My friend is very nice and kind but is neutral. She also agrees the awful person mistreated me and has witnessed what she did to me and others, but she is still her friend. She still listens to her and supports her even though she has acknowledged to me that this person is needy and is at fault. My problem with my friend is that she probably thinks she’s doing the right thing by maintaining friendships on both sides and being neutral.

    But I feel that by being neutral and not taking sides, she is taking a side, and that is not with me. I can’t depend on her. I can’t trust her. I actually had a long conversation about this with her about why she continues to support this person even though this person has harmed me and others. In the end though, she just says she understands how I feel about this person and she doesn’t expect me to understand why she continues to help this person. She knew this person and was friends months before we became friends, but we became much closer over time.

    However, I do not feel comfortable being as close to her and turning to her because I feel she doesn’t have my back. She is like a best friend but not anymore after that, even though she continues to try to be my friend, reaching out to wish me well, and that. Am I right to just “demote” her from a best friend to just someone in the circle?

    1. Not A Manager*

      How is it harming you that she maintains the friendship? Does she expect you to join in social activities with the person who harmed you? Does she talk about this person to you, or do you believe she talks about you to this other person? I don’t hear you saying that your friend is *doing* anything to harm you other than maintaining a relationship with someone that you no longer have a relationship with.

      If your friend is literally maintaining separate friendships with each of you and not crossing the streams, then I think you are in a position to keep the friendship if you want to and if it benefits you. To do that, you’d need to let go of the idea that your friend should punish her friend for that person’s bad behavior, or that she can’t be a good friend to you unless she chooses a side. If you’re able to accept the wall around your friendship, and the wall around her other friendship, then I think you can continue to benefit from whatever is good and supportive about the friendship you have.

      But if the very fact that she maintains the other friendship makes you feel unsafe and unloved, then there’s nothing wrong with ending your relationship. I would urge you to move away from “Am I right to demote her” or “is she right to maintain her other friendship?” This isn’t really an issue of who is right or justified, it’s an issue of feelings and priorities. Your friend has told you that she wants to maintain her other friendship and that it remains a priority to her. You can’t argue or moral her out of that feeling and that priority. But you get to have feelings and priorities too. If you feel too bad to maintain the friendship, then you need to prioritize your own well-being by ending the relationship.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        I don’t join in on social activities. I’m friends with her and she is friends with X. But it does bother me and ruin my mood whenever things come up about X, like on social media. I’ve just been ignoring her friendship with X until now and she knows how I feel about X and what went down between us. But just ignoring her friendship with X isn’t enough. Thanks for your confirmation that it’s about feelings and priorities. I really do feel awful and full of anger and disgust when X comes up. Also hurt and, honestly, betrayed. Like she witnessed how X treated me but didn’t speak up or do anything, though I fully get that she doesn’t want to create drama or stir X up. She definitely believes X was in the wrong but she didn’t side with me, even making excuses for X (because X really does issues). So I don’t feel good when it comes to her, but she is a good person and I don’t want to lose a friend.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        This isn’t really an issue of who is right or justified, it’s an issue of feelings and priorities.
        I think this is a wise way to look at relationships.

    2. peasblossom*

      I’ve gone through this, and it’s really hard! What helped me was to do two things: 1.) really think about why their friendship bothered me: is it because I’m worried they’ll share information? does it feel like they aren’t acknowledging my pain? am I just feeling mad and petty? any are understandable responses! but once I had a better handle on why I was feeling a certain kind of way, it became much easier to figure out what I wanted and needed to do to maintain the friendship (or would have helped me figure out if I needed to step back); 2.) try to separate my friendship with them from their friendship with the other person. That meant laying some boundaries (I can’t talk to you about person x, don’t answer calls from them when I’m stressed, etc.) and trying to find new patterns and things to do together (go hang out somewhere new, find a new shared hobby, etc.).

      This is all hard work, though, partly because you are repairing your friendship. It’s fine to acknowledge that you may not be in the space to do that yet! And just because you aren’t now doesn’t mean your friendship is done. For me, trying to sort through my feelings and setting my boundaries was a good first step as it helped me get a handle on how to even begin approaching that repair–and if I even wanted to.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        I’m not concerned they will share information. But I do betrayed, because my friend has seen how X mistreated me but is still carrying on her friendship with X, even though technically we have spent more time together. I have told her that X emotionally abused me and she even said “it may have been abuse to you” implying that it’s just my perception and that I’m just saying it because I’m angry with X. But the gaslighting and anger and control are real (X even knows she was wrong but she can’t help it because she has anger issues.) My friend has apologized for saying those things, but I really do feel she is just saying whatever to placate me and she does believe I’m partly at fault (I really wasn’t at fault, what I did wrong was basically not giving in to X and making X angrier).

        This happened a while ago, but I’ve been struggling with the relationship. I do want the friendship but I also don’t want the feelings of hurt and resentment that come with it because of her ties with X. We actually met because of a hobby, and so I’ve just been keeping things related to do with the hobby. But I do feel alone because I can’t talk deeper about other things.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think you’re trying to put rules of logic onto emotions, and that’s why it isn’t working.

          Like the duration of the friendships–that shouldn’t put her automatically on anyone’s side. (Unless we’re talking years vs weeks.) It’s a difference of months. That’s not a logical reason anyone has to side with you, or cut off someone else.

          Sometimes, people change because there were enough losses to motivate them to do the work. Sometimes, people change because someone kept a hand extended through rough times. I have no idea which of those would work for your ex-friend, or if anything would, but your friend isn’t willing to cut ex-friend off for emotional reasons that are valid to her. Whether or not you agree with current friend, that’s what she’s choosing to do.

          I think you want one logical reason you can wield at her, at which point she will realize that you were right all along and do what you want. And that isn’t going to happen.

          Going low contact with her for a time would probably help. (e.g. Don’t look at the social media where ex comes up.)

        2. Tired Of Being The Target*

          I sense that you feel like she doesn’t believe you about the abusive behavior ( “it may have been abuse to you”). I gave up friends who didn’t believe that things were so bad. They could/would not understand that someone would really behave that way on purpose, because they never lived through it themselves or they just didn’t want to believe it.

          I joined a support group for people in dysfunctional relationships that really helps me. It’s nice to be with people who have been through similar situations and I don’t have to feel like I have to defend or explain myself. The support group gives me a safe place to work through my experience and I’m better able to handle being around other people who don’t understand.

          I’m sorry that you are going through this and I totally understand why you need to pull back from people who aren’t supportive.

    3. Daffodilly*

      Time to drop the “if they’re not with me, they are against me” mentality. It’s something that only exists in your head, and it’s not serving you well.
      If you want the friendship to survive, listen to what Friendship Struggle advises above about figuring out the concerns you have and setting boundaries to make you feel safer.
      The friendship may very well change based on those boundaries, and that’s okay. Friendships evolve and change.
      Just don’t imagine that someone is against you when they are not, just because they have other friends you have cut off. Their friendship/relationship is outside of your relationship with Friend, and it’s utterly out of your control.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        I don’t think she is against me. But I don’t feel comfortable confiding in her anymore. I don’t trust that she has my back. I don’t think she is plotting against me, but I don’t feel supported that she is still friends with someone who abused me. There are boundaries in place, as in I only talk about our shared interest/hobby together, and she can tell that I no longer confide in her about other things.

        1. urguncle*

          It sounds like you’ve already partially moved on emotionally from the friendship. You can decide if you care deeply about this and tell her that the nature of your relationship has changed because of her continued friendship, or just accept the nature of evolving relationships.

          1. Friendship Struggle*

            Yes, I’ve moved on a bit. I don’t talk closely with her any more. She’s reached out, and I’m not sure whether to deepen our friendship (and put up with these unpleasant feelings and disappointment that crop up) or just leave it over hobbies.

        2. Daffodilly*

          But….you do think she’s against you? You say that she cannot be neutral and if she doesn’t choose to “side with you” she’s choosing the other side.
          That’s not actually true, that’s something YOU are putting on the situation.
          When you say it in your original post, I believe that you meant it. Don’t claim otherwise when it gets pointed out.

          1. Batgirl*

            It isn’t possible to be neutral though when one loved has been harmed by another. People try to be neutral, and I understand why they try to do it, but the harmed one is never going to feel supported by that, or like it’s a impactless decision.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You kind of have a stalemate here.

      Her on-going relationship with this person makes you feel betrayed. We don’t know what she thinks but her actions look like she thinks you should overlook the abuse. That’s what it could look like, even if she says it’s not.

      You think that she should ditch this mean person because she keeps hurting people. Your friend isn’t there yet. She still thinks that her loyalty to this mean person is going to help the mean friend in some way. She may figure this out in a while or not.

      Are you right demoting her? I don’t think there is right/wrong answer. I do know above all else we have to keep ourselves safe. If keeping yourself safe means stepping back from this remaining friendship then that may be your answer. We don’t get to make other people’s choices for them. But we do get to respond to their choices accordingly. Since this good friend has decided to keep the affiliation with the mean ex-friend, you are free to decide how you will respond to this.

      Older me has come to realize that some of this stuff is just a waste of brain space because no matter how hard I thought about it I never arrived at The Answer. The bottomline is that you lost a friend group and you it looks like you are losing this remaining good friend. That is a whole bunch of loss all in a short time. It may or may not be forever. You might circle back and find your friendships again with these people.

      I’d suggest holding the door open ajar for changes in the future. This type of response also helps me to live with myself as I am not keen on permanently cutting someone out of my life. It makes me feel like crap about me. But for the time being, fill up your time with something else. Now is a great time to start a new volunteer job or start an online course, anything that is new and requires you to concentrate. Another suggestion I have is to think about calling someone who has left the group and see if they would like to hang out and do stuff with you.

      It’s not the same, I get that. But no two friendships are ever the same. And that can be a beautiful thing as we can find friends who truly enrich our lives. So when your good friend calls/texts, it’s okay to be busy or it’s okay to just say “next week, not this week”. It’s okay to control the pacing of how much you see her. And it’s okay to just say, “Every time I see you, I am reminded of what happened. I need space to move past that.” Just like she gets to make a choice here, so do you.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        Actually, this happened a while ago. I left the group about a year ago, but still remained friends with my friend, and we even got closer. But after I had this long conversation with her a few months ago, I kept things at a distance and boundaries in place, like keeping our friendship around our shared hobby instead of anything more. I don’t talk to her about how I feel now. Yesterday something came up about X and ruined my mood for the whole day, and I feel like maybe I do need to just let go of it all. This friendship with her is good but also comes with a lot of unwanted feelings of hurt, resentment, and disappointment, and I think it’s unfair that she continues to be loyal to X all while she had my confidence about X. She knows X was bad and at fault and yet thinks that I’ll be there for her when she hasn’t when it came to X?

        1. NLR*

          This much hand-wringing and bitterness over someone else’s choice of friends is exhausting just to read about, I can’t imagine how much more exhausting it would be to live it. You don’t get to control other adults’ choice in friends. You only get to control your own. If it’s causing you this much angst and drama, let the friendship go and be done with it.

    5. AGD*

      I’ve been through this several times. In a little more than half of those cases, the close friendship was so valuable that I decided to overlook the fact that I cut off the instigator of mistreatment and the mutual friend didn’t. In those situations, I was upfront with the mutual friends: that I was not out to encourage everyone else to disown the person in question, but that I needed to protect myself from how they had been treating me, and therefore I asked remaining mutual friends not to mention me further or mention the person to me. Most of them were really good about this, fortunately.

      In a couple of other cases, the people were closer to the instigator than I was, and I decided it wasn’t worth it to try to navigate that, so I let all the people go.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        In this case, the close friendship was so valuable that I overlooked my friend’s ties with X until now. We did get close, but after our long conversation, I don’t feel comfortable confiding in her. And now this weekend, something came up that I felt so awful that I wonder if I should just let her go because I’m done with dealing with her ties with X.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I cut off a friend of, at the time, 15+ years when I realized that trying to maintain a friendship with them was actively harmful to me and my mental health. My husband, who met them through me, is still to this day a friend of theirs. It took me a looooong time to deal with that, and the biggest thing that helped was that they moved to another state, so now my husband’s only contact with them is online. I still don’t get why my husband wants to stay friends with them, though a large part of it is that my husband has his own mental and emotional issues around maintaining friendships even when they’re unhealthy, but that’s why he has professionals and medication, and he’s a grown man and can make decisions for himself. I set very firm boundaries, all of which he agrees with — I do not hear about his interactions with this person, he does not talk about me or our family or our shared activities with this person, he does not talk to or about this person where I can hear it, and he will not make any efforts to get together and hang out with them in person.

    6. RagingADHD*

      One point that I think is relevant to the situation is whether or not the cruel person X had power or control over you in some way. In other words, is she nasty and vicious to her peers, or is she taking advantage of people who are vulnerable? Did she ever put you in a position where you were dependent on her in order to take advantage? (The analogy of getting someone drunk to assault them, etc).

      Both are bad, but being generally mean to peers is a self-limiting problem because a person with equal power will just cut someone off (as you did). A person who has control is far more dangerous.

      I think in a power/taking advantage situation, a mutual friend is obligated to take sides because of the harm done. In a “peers don’t like you because you’re awful” situation, there’s less obligation because the peers have agency, and the mutual friend may just have a higher threshold for what they’re willing to put up with. They aren’t enabling continued abuse by giving cover to a perpetrator.

      Your friendship and trust are yours to give wherever you like, and you don’t owe it to this mutual to stay close if you don’t want to. But at the same time, I don’t necessarily feel the mutual is doing anything objectively wrong.

      I kind of think perhaps you and your friend have very different ideas about personal boundaries. She sounds like she’s very comfortable having friends she disagrees with and maintaining friendship despite differences (just as she is comfortable being friends with you despite disagreeing about X). Perhaps she is in a better position to give empathy to a needy, difficult person because she has a bit more internal distance from the bad behavior.

      Either way, if you don’t feel you can trust her, there isn’t much way to stay best friends. You have to do what you feel is best for you.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think this is a good insight into the power dynamics, and why “but it was emotional abuse” isn’t the slamdunk argument with friend.

        With roommates, or close relatives, or romantic partners, there’s a more fraught power dynamic than when you say “My friend X eventually turned into a jerk, so I stopped socializing with them.” The power is equal and you haven’t signed any leases together and you handle the unpleasantness by not seeing that person.

      2. Friendship Struggle*

        Actually, X did have more authority. She was the group leader, like the chat leader, and she also just bosses people around. Most people just do what she wants. But not me. I pushed back because she does treat people like they should serve her. She likes thinking she is boss. My friend even experienced it but she just doesn’t confront or say anything. I would speak up, and it’s one of the reasons X gave me a hard time. She felt her control was being challenged and guilt tripped me and gaslighted me, because she felt insecure. (She experienced abuse before, I’m not saying that is why, but that may be where she got that behaviour from. She is toxic and has issues for real.) Like I said, I’m not the only one who she mistreated. I left because I do believe X needs to learn people won’t stick around and let her treat them this way. And I know that X knows she was wrong. And others have also left the group after me because she keeps losing it at them.

        The others put up with it partly because they want to stay in the group I guess. I’m fine with having nothing to do with X but it sucks that X was the horrible one but I’m the one who has to walk away. But actually I’m fine with my friendship with the others in the group. I only feel betrayed with my friend because we are really close and she also witnessed how X was and didn’t do anything. She was my best friend, hence why I feel betrayed and resent that she continued to support X.

        My friend has also said she is used to dealing with difficult people. But on the other hand, she wasn’t the one abused.

        1. anonnie*

          That’s not the kind of power and authority the person you’re replying to was referring to. Being the social leader of a friend group is not the same as taking advantage of people who are dependent on them.

          If you want to cut off this friendship you can. But the language you’re using sounds, to an outside observer with no investment in it, kinda overblown and dramatic for the facts you have shared. This was a friend who acted like a jerk, not someone who abused their power. You don’t need to stay friends with any of them but maybe think about why this is still taking up so much space in your head.

        2. RagingADHD*

          It sounds like X is a bully. Standing up to a bully is hard, so good for you.

          I can certainly understand questioning the character or judgment of people who remain in a bully’s orbit, even after they can clearly see what she’s like. That’s more a matter of principle than of personal loyalty, because one’s choice of friends can say a lot about a person.

          If your mutual friend really feels that X needs help, she may just have a different perspective on the whole situation. But again, you have to be able to trust a friend, and if you can’t, then you can’t.

          1. Friendship Struggle*

            Actually, I did talk to her about how she can continue to support X even knowing what X is like, that it’s about X as a person who hurts people and beyond how she treated me or the others who’ve left. And she basically said she is used to helping difficult people who others have forsaken. So she likely feels sorry for X, as X really does have issues.

    7. BRR*

      I get the feeling you’ve either already but I’ll gladly give your reassurance. Your former friend has stated with their words/actions that they will continue to be friends with the other person. You’re well within your right to decide that’s a dealbreaker for you.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        Thank you. I’ve been mulling over this. On one hand, I value our friendship because she is nice. On the other, it would cause me less emotional stress if we weren’t very close and more like friendly acquaintances. I would lose someone I can turn to and confide in, of course, but I also don’t feel comfortable turning to her anyway anymore.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh my. I feel so bad for you.

          I suggest taking a look at your definition of friendship. If you don’t have one, now is great time to start thinking about it. What qualities make a good friend? Some of this is stuff most people would say, but other things can be important to us because of our setting/life experience/etc.

          I will start here for you. One of the biggies in friendship that I totally failed to pay attention to is reciprocity. Healthy friendships have a back and forth to them. People tend to bail each other, support each other, pick up dropped pieces and so on. I had the habit of giving and giving and not checking to see if the person was doing anything to enrich my life.
          So think about qualities you value in friends.

          Another part of this to look at is the concept of closeness. I have come to see that closeness with friends has variations or different purposes. No friend offers the whole package. I have friends that I can talk about my childhood with, but if I am facing an expensive repair on my house they have nothing to offer for tips.
          Conversely, the good friend who helps me with my house and car problems really does not have much patience for talking about the past. “Well that’s all in the past.” Since he deals with his own life that way I am actually not offended. It’s not personal, it’s his take on life. This good friend who helps me becomes privy to my current financial setting, (“I can’t afford a new X right now.”) And he becomes aware of my silly concerns that I probably would not tell other people. (“I am scared a bird is going to fly into my bathroom fan and I am going to have bird guts every where.” Once he got done laughing, he put screening on the opening to the fan. Well, the birds were pecking at it…..)

          If you spread out with several close friends then you have space/breathing room. If one relationship tanks (fate forbid) you still have the others. I am watching a situation now with a neighbor who is a dear friend but she is winding down her life. I am so sad. However my other friends ask about her and that helps. Plus other friends talk about different things, for example my older friend does not use a computer so we never chat about computers. I save that for different friends.

          Reality is that we need more than one friend to be close with because nobody can fill all needs. Fan out a little bit so the friendship eggs are not all in one basket. This is very different from a friend group- this is something you find yourself.

          1. Friendship Struggle*

            Firstly, I really don’t appreciate the sarcasm. Please respect the commenting rule which starts off with “Please be kind…”

            And secondly, we are still friends. We still are in the same group and still chat on a daily basis. But we’re no longer close like before, where we can talk and make plans and can confide in. So yes, she is a friend, but not a best friend like before.

            1. NLR*

              ???

              I don’t see any sarcasm.

              This is way too much agonizing and external processing for the situation you have described. I don’t think your friend is wronging you but you do. Just end the friendship.

            2. RagingADHD*

              What sarcasm? That was a very heartfelt and personal response.

              It does kind of make me wonder how much of these friendships are happening IRL vs text or socual media.

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        Honestly, that is the situation I feel it’s like! A break up and my best friend remaining friends with my ex even though she witnessed what went down, especially how the “ex” treated me. Thanks for the link!

      2. Friendship Struggle*

        Read the article. Thank you for forwarding! This line resonated with me so much: “By not wanting to choose a side, you chose a side (Greg’s side). When you did that, you stopped being a safe person for Clay, someone who knew what they had been through and someone they could trust to help them navigate the aftermath of a difficult thing.”

        That’s exactly it. She’s still in my life, but I don’t feel safe or like I can fully trust her like before. She’s stopped being a safe place for me, that’s it.

        1. Friendship Struggle*

          Also wanted to add that this article rang true in another way: my friend and I organized an event and I had to make it clear that X was not welcome. Also, this is true: “The abusers of the world know what they did and they know why people are mad at them.” Yes, X definitely knows she is wrong and why I’m mad at her and also why other people have left. She even said she needs counselling (but still hasn’t gone).

    9. anonnie*

      “This person did things like constantly lose her temper at me, blame me, guilt trip me, even gaslight me. She has also lost her temper”

      This person is a shitty friend but none of this sounds so egregious that others around you must shun them. Of course it’s your call if you don’t want to be friends with your friend anymore but it sounds like you’re painting this in your head as much worse than it actually is. The person is a jerk, sure. But it doesn’t sound like your friend is betraying you by staying friends with them.

      2. Friendship Struggle*

        I think it’s because we are so close and she continues to support this person. I’m friends with the others in the group who are also friends with X, but I don’t have any issue with them. I tried to stay in the group for the others, but in the end it was so awful putting up with X. But I don’t feel this discomfort with the others, just with her because we were so close. We are even closer than her and X actually.

    10. Been there*

      She is telling you she “doesn’t expect [you] to understand why she continues to help this person,” which seems very reasonable, if hurtful. You are seeing this as a betrayal, but relationships are complicated. This person who has hurt you is seeking friendship and support from your mutual friend, who needs to do what feels right to her, which for now is being supportive of this person who mistreated you. I get why that’s hurtful.
      You want your friend to just *want* to stop associating with this other person out of loyalty to you, but if that is not what feels right to her, she needs to be true to herself. She should listen to and validate your feelings, but at the end of the day, she needs to make her own decision about this, which is complicated by factors outside of your friendship and your feelings.
      You need to be true to yourself too, which it sounds like for now might mean taking some space from this friend. I recommend you framing it as setting boundaries, and not as “demoting” her — it’s just setting boundaries, which may or may not be permanent, to take care of yourself.
      This stuff is difficult, and I sympathize with you, but your friend is (rightly) seeing this as being about her and the other person, and you are making it about yourself. Which is understandable! I don’t say this to be harsh. I’ve been through a similar situation in my family, and it is very painful, and I get that. But you will feel a lot more grounded and a lot stronger if you take this less personally. Have you read the book “The Four Agreements”? It has helped me tremendously through personal trials like this.
      Ultimately, your messaging to your friend might be, “I understand you are deciding to maintain your friendship with Susie, which is your decision but is also hard for me. What I need to for now is to take some space.” Then define what that means, i.e. if you’ll see her in group settings but not 1:1, or you’ll text but not get together for a while. And then hide her posts on social media if that will help. Good luck!

      1. Friendship Struggle*

        Actually, that was what the conversation we had before was about… now it’s been a while and we are still interacting, though not closely like before where we can talk about deeper stuff. Now it’s just about our mutual hobby, not life. Something happened this weekend, which drew out the past emotional stress in me, and I’m wondering if I should bother strengthening our friendship even though she did reach out. I’ve set boundaries (kept convos just about our mutual interest) and now I’m wondering if I should just not bother anymore.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You know you best.

          How often in life have you asked yourself if you should not bother with a friend any more? If your answer is not very much or not at all- then this is a heads up. The fact that the question even occurred to you at all is almost enough information right there.

        2. Been there*

          Like Not So NewReader says, you know you best. Follow your gut. What value is this friendship bringing into your life? Imagine what it would look like without this friendship in it — would it be less stressful? If you are only talking about mutual hobbies and nothing deeper, then perhaps it’s not worth the anguish the friendship seems to still be causing you. Again, I highly recommend reading The Four Agreements if you haven’t; I know I mentioned it once but it bears repeating. I rarely read anything resembling self-help books, but this is a very short book and it had a huge impact on me.
          Take care of yourself and do what will be least stressful. Good luck!

    11. Batgirl*

      I think I would start by drawing up a better wall between you and this person on social media. It’s amazing how seeing references on social media can keep you just as much in the same headspace as if you were still in physical contact. If you have to cut or block mutual friends, so be it, it’s just online contact. That could remove enough bad feeling to enable a in person friendship, but I don’t know how deep it can be. As for maintaining the wider friendships I think this stuff shows up a big difference in philosophies. You took a stand, you were honest about the effect on you and you have a friend who doesn’t like to rock the boat or give out the same consequences. A belief on consequences Vs endless forgiveness can be insurmountable. When friends sit on the wall there’s always the unsaid element of “well she isn’t like that with me” too, which is also hard to get past. You wonder if your friend would behave differently if subjected to the same behaviour, (i.e. just take it) or if she only cares about misbehaviour which personally affects her. I don’t think either answer will make her your kindred spirit. Maybe your friend still needs to learn this lesson about what to do with an abusive person, because it is difficult to navigate a decision with a harmful person, who also needs help and is probably quite good at being manipulative. Either way, I don’t think it’s odd that your friendship isn’t as satisfying as it was.

  64. Lucy Skywalker*

    What do you do when you call customer service, and you end up with someone whose first language is clearly not English and you have a hard time understanding their accent? Can you ask to be transferred to someone else who you can understand better? Is there a way to even ask that without sounding bigoted or racist? Should you just suck it up and struggle to understand them the best you can, even though you’re clearly already frustrated? My gut is telling me that, unless you TRULY cannot understand them, you need to just grin and bear it.

    1. Mimmy*

      I hope you get some replies because I struggle with this big time. Meanwhile, I’d ask if they could speak up or speak a little slower. Personally, I am a little hard of hearing, so I sometimes mention that too.

    2. BRR*

      My method for dealing with any customer service rep who I’m having trouble hearing is to say I have another call that I have to take and call back.

    3. Kind over nice*

      Blame background noise on your end and ask to transfer. There’s no way to tell someone that and it’s not like they can do much about it in the moment. I always consider that those reps are probably great matches for other callers who are not me. It’s a kindness to both of us to not struggle so hard.

      1. Lucy Skywalker*

        Exactly. A customer who only spoke the native language of that particular representative would need someone who can speak their language.

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      If you can, try as hard as possible to work through it; in my experience working in a very diverse area and industry is that you’ll get quite good at developing an ear for thick accents, short syllables, and other elements of speech that are different to our ears.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        My tips if you want them is to repeat the parts you do understand by saying something like, “okay I think I heard yadda yadda yadda, is that right?” It also helps me to repeat the word as quickly as I can in their same accent (in my head of course) to see if I can break it down for myself. I’ve found it helpful in forming friendships as well.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        Audio engineer person here. I agree. Your brain will be working hard to adjust, and intelligibility should increase even in the very short term.

    5. Lifelong student*

      I was once told that it is acceptable to ask to speak with a native English speaker when you call customer service and have problems. Never did it- but it seems reasonable to me.

      1. La Donna*

        I personally like the hang up and call back approach. As someone who speaks 2 other languages, I would be so sad if someone asked me to speak to a native speaker because of my accent.

    6. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

      I have hearing loss and the combination of that + thick accent + technical or industry jargon = it just doesn’t work for me. They have been reluctant to transfer me, maybe because it affects their metrics (who wants to admit they can’t do their job properly)? I now just tell them that I’m terribly sorry but I just cannot understand them with my hearing loss and I’ll need them to transfer me or I can call back for another rep

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Our phone connections here suck. The audio is terrible. I lean on this fact a lot and I use it.

      I have also said that I have a slight hearing loss and I need to speak with someone else. This is not a lie. I fully expect in 10 years I will be fitted with hearing aids.

      Your gut is not logical in what it is telling you. You call for customer service. If you have no idea what the person said then you did not receive customer service did you? It’s okay to insist that customer service actually provide, you know, service.

      1. Lucy Skywalker*

        The thing, though, is that I usually can understand them, but it takes a lot more effort than if I were talking to a native English speaker. Often, when I’m talking to customer service, I’ve been on hold for a long time AND I’m frustrated about whatever problem I’m calling about. Adding the task of trying to understand a non-native speaker just adds to my frustration, and I don’t see how there’s any way around it without sounding like a bigot.

  65. Cj*

    Being a native speaker isn’t always the issue. I’m in the Midwest, and a decade ago I was at a job where I needed to call many states in the US regarding sales tax. There were a lot of native English speakers in the US that I couldn’t understand very well because of their accent. Its very possible that they couldn’t understand mine very well, although of course I would swear I don’t *have* an accent.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I have sometimes found myself unable to understand people born and raised a couple of hours from my hometown, their accent was so strong. There are a lot of variations & pockets of regionalisms around here.

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