weekend open thread – August 27-28, 2022

by Alison Green on August 26, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Foundling, by Ann Leary. A young woman in the 1920s gets a job at an asylum for women and begins to unravel the dark truth of what’s happening there.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,261 comments }

{ 1,261 comments… read them below }

  1. Free Meerkats*

    Is anyone here other than me going to attend Chicon (Worldcon 80) next weekend? If so, let’s plan an AAM get together.

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        I’m assuming those attending the Chicon event chose a mtg place and time, like a coffee shop, near the event and meet there. I’m jealous! I think I’m going to start asking for a meetup at every conference I attend!

      2. Free Meerkats*

        Every con has a large bulletin board where people can post things. A simple note that says “AAM meetup at {place & time}” and see who shows up.

        Hitting the road from Seattleish in about 10 minutes.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        No competition costume this year.

        Currently 1000 miles into the drive there, about a thousand to go over the next two days.

  2. Missb*

    I need advice on buying a gift (or not!) for a woman in her early 20s. Recently graduated from college. She’s my son’s newish girlfriend, and the two of them are coming to stay here for a few days. She has a birthday right before they arrive. I know he’s getting her some jewelry (no, not a ring!)

    They’re both outdoorsy, climber types. I am leaning towards a nice bouquet of flowers in their room, but I don’t know. I’m clueless. I raised boys and I’ve always been very practical.

    Help?

    1. Denver Laurie 64*

      Given the love of outdoors, a nice pair of hiking or running socks. My favorite are Balega.

    2. Yaz*

      That’s a very sweet idea! If I were her, I might enjoy a pretty scarf, water bottle, funny / cool tote bag, or nice perfume bottle (not filled)… I think it’s more the thought that counts – you can’t perfectly know what she’ll like or use, but a thoughtful gift shows that she is welcome…

      1. Unum Hoc Scio*

        You can get refillable, travel sized perfume atomizers (about the size of a lipstick tube). They are pretty, useful, and not very expensive. Cheap enough not to be embarrassing for a new acquaintance but thoughtful.

          2. Still*

            Unum Hoc Scio wasn’t suggesting buying perfume. Perfume atomizers are tiny bottles that make it easy to take some of your favourite scent with you when traveling. The girlfriend would be able to fill it with whatever perfume she already uses.

            Plus I actually think that something like a scented shower gel can be a perfectly fine gift. It’s an affordable product that you use up and are under no obligation to keep in the long term, you can also regift it or donate it without it being noticible. Sure, you might end up buying something that doesn’t match the person’s taste, but the same is true of confectionery. I wish people who don’t know me well would just buy me consumables instead of trying to come up with something I will keep.

            1. Dancing Otter*

              Except that shower gel is like soap. It can be misconstrued as a hint, like offering breath mints.

    3. Jennifer*

      How about a cake during dinner? Then it is both a birthday cake and a welcome to our home cake!

      2. Missb*

        I do like the idea of cake! I think that’s best. Someone else below essentially said that a gift may seem like “love my son or else”, and that’s not a bad point!

    4. NLR*

      Flowers seems like it’s more for both of them rather than a birthday gift for her. A birthday cake with writing on it for her is a nice idea and very welcoming!

      1. Filosofickle*

        Right, I would read flowers as part of hospitality — flowers for the guest room. A cake or welcome dinner in her honor will read as more intentional and personal. Have you checked with your son about what would be meaningful to her?

    5. The Person from the Resume*

      I’d say there’s no need. She’s not yet a person you’d consider getting a birthday present for (a newish gf you haven’t met yet) and you’re not actually with her on her birthday.

      OTOH I’m not a gift person. My family isn’t a gift family. Adult kids no longer get birthday gifts. Also gifts are so damn hard. My nephews (18 and younger) get money because that’s a lot easier than trying to find the right thing.

      2. PhyllisB*

        I think a gift would be a nice welcoming gesture. Just keep it low-key. The hiking socks or tote bag sounds perfect. You could check with your son on ideas.
        I would also do the cake, but again nothing super elaborate, just a nice cake with Happy Birthday “Julia ” on it. This would have made me feel very welcomed in my 20’s.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      I rather like the cake idea – it’s personal and thoughtful, but not enough to make her uncomfortable. Check with your son about whether she’d like it in general, and what sort of cake she’d enjoy.

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      Putting myself in 20-something me’s shoes, I feel like receiving a birthday gift from my newish boyfriend’s mom who I just met would be weird. I would skip the gift.

      Flowers in their room is a nice gesture, but let them be “welcome to our home” flowers, not “happy belated birthday.”

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Agreed. Gift-giving can be an awkward swamp to navigate, let alone when you barely know the person and have limited information to go from. I think cake (or flowers) would be a nice welcoming gesture without being over the top.

        1. feline outerwear catalog*

          I would have loved that, my family was not very thoughtful or affectionate but ymmv.

    8. Mid*

      REI gift card is always a winner in my (outdoorsy, climber) book, or carabineers, I always need more carabineers. But for something less $ focused, flowers really are a great option, or cake. Or a card with a little note! Since she’s a new girlfriend, I don’t think you need to do too much.

    9. Atomic Tangerine*

      I think I’m falling in the “gift would be weird at this point in the relationship” camp although you are so sweet to think of this. I do like the flowers/cake or maybe take the two of them to dinner. Just being welcoming and making some effort to make sure she’s comfortable is probably going to be most meaningful to her at this stage. You got this!

      1. Clisby*

        Agree. I would feel strange if I went to stay with this person I didn’t know and she gave me a gift. A cake is a nice idea, but I don’t like sweet food, so then I’d have to figure out how to avoid the cake without giving offense, or eat a tiny slice just to be polite. Dinner is a nice welcoming gesture.

    10. Numbat*

      I think there are some great suggestions, but whatever you go with “small and inexpensive” is best at this stage. Something that says “I know it’s your birthday and want you to feel cared for and welcome” rather than “here is some pressure to love my son and be part of the family”.

      1. Missb*

        This is a really good point, as I mentioned upthread.

        I have met her, ever so briefly. Dh and my other son had a meal with her and my son, so I’m pretty much the only one who hasn’t had much of a convo with her (other than a 4 am drive to the airport).

        So I think I’ll settle on a cake. I’m afraid any gift will overshadow the one that my son is giving, while a cake is simple and yet can be personal enough. Thanks!

    11. Still*

      If I were in her shoes and got a gift from you, I’d then be stressed that now I’m gonna be expected to give you gifts for your birthday, Christmas, etc. I’d probably also wonder if I was supposed to buy a gift as a thank you for hosting.

      I think I’d be wary of setting any gift-giving expectations when the relationship is this new.

    12. Becky S.*

      I agree with those who said to not get a gift. I wouldn’t expect that of someone I just met. A cake would be nice. If I were that age, a gift might make me think I should get my boyfriend’s parents gifts for their birthdays. It helps that her birthday will be over before the visit, even if it’s the day before.

    13. mreasy*

      I think flowers with a note saying happy birthday and welcome, her name is very gracious. I wouldn’t feel weird about a small gift (like a hiking headband or socks) but it’s not necessary.

    14. Chilipepper Attitude*

      Oooh, I just went through this experience!! My son’s new girlfriend bought me a gift and I did not have one for her! And we are not into gifts so I was unprepared.

      I feel like you should be like Sheldon when he got all the gift options for Penny so he could reciprocate in kind.

      Have a birthday cake for sure. And flowers in the room if you like. But maybe also have something small to give as a gift like a cute water bottle or REI gift card just in case it seems appropriate to you to give a gift?

    16. Bluebell*

      I agree that the cake idea is nice, and doesn’t set up expectations. Just ask your son what flavor she prefers. Not everyone is a chocolate fan. (Controversial opinion- I know! )

    17. just another queer reader*

      If it were me, I’d buy or make a nice dessert- cupcakes, flan, something like that.

      Admittedly I’m not much of a gift person, but I think that this occasion doesn’t really call for a gift.

    18. Not Surprising*

      I think doing anything (baking a cake or buying a gift) is unnecessary. She’s a newish girlfriend and it’s the first time you’re meeting, so there isn’t really a relationship there yet. It would never occur to me to buy a gift for someone I have no relationship with (and who I may never actually see again).

      Personally, I would feel weird about having any sort of birthday celebration with strangers.

    19. BellyButton*

      Check out the sales on portland leather goods. I think the perfect gift for a new college grad is a nice leather tote or backpack that will last them forever and loo great for the first job.

    22. Edwina*

      Girls can be practical too!! I second the idea of climbing or hiking socks — you can find really cute and extremely well-made stuff at REI.com. Another thought is a $25 gift certificate to REI! Climbers’ paradise!

    23. JustEm*

      I wouldn’t do a gift, but asking your son if she likes cake and having a cake for the first night is great! With flowers my only caution would be to avoid super fragrant ones unless you know she likes them – if someone put a fragrant bouquet in the room I was sleeping in I’d get a migraine and/an asthma attack (depending on which type of flowers) and if it was a boyfriend’s mom I was just meeting I’d probably be too embarrassed to say anything and would suffer through …

    24. Endorable*

      I am seriously leaning toward ‘or not’ here. Newish girlfriend, coming to stay.. (recent birthday is irrelevant) is in the ‘she should be thinking about a hostess gift’ category. There have been many interesting suggestions for gifts, but no… this is NOT a gift giving occasion for YOU. You are already offering the gift of hospitality. It would be really weird to be giving her a gift too… frankly if I was your guest I’d be kind of creeped out by it. Be warm, and hospitable, and save the gifts for Christmas or her NEXT birthday, if she’s still around!

  3. Yaz*

    Tips to enjoy your weekend when The Thing We Don’t Discuss is draining your will to live during the week?

    1. NLR*

      During the week when you’re at work, what do you wish you could be doing instead? Do that thing tomorrow!

      1. Invisible fish*

        This made me reflect that when I wish I was doing something else while at work, all I imagine is being quiet and alone!! (I gotta imagine better, I guess!)

    2. The Person from the Resume*

      Honestly when I feel like that I give myself permission to have a lazy weekend. No guilt about not getting chores, shopping, cooking done. I read (that’s an escape for me) or watch tv or movies.

      Maybe a nice walk in nature – a park or along a body of water. But nothing that requires a lot of time.

      1. Rose*

        Yuppp, me too! My life has been kind of a mess (no food in my very untidy house, etc.) but my brain is totally turned off on weekends because I’m not trying to DO anything and it’s 10/10 worth it for me.

      1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

        Lol yes! I scheduled 3 days off to do absolutely nothing this week! And while it was boring, I kinda needed boring. I ended up thrifting a bunch of cropped tees, though it’s sort of late in the year for them. I can always get some camis to wear under them for contrast later in the year, though.

    4. Atomic Tangerine*

      I do love a day of doing nothing (with books, pajama pants, coffee and cats) and intentionally labeling it as “self-care” lest my jerkbrain try to make me feel guilty about it.

    5. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I asked something similar here a few months back, and the suggestions I found most useful were physical activity, planning a novel activity to lose yourself in for the weekend, and a “changeover ritual” on a Friday afternoon (eg: a hobby or exercise class that happens on a schedule and helps your brain know it’s time to shift modes).

      The other thing that really helped me though (and this is going to sound a bit… average) is learning to just care less about The Place That Shall Not Be Named. My husband is great at war gaming this stuff with me: after a bunch of “so: abc fails/you don’t manage to xyz – then what?” questions, I realised that I had limited ability to influence the outcomes I was really worried about and therefore continually worrying about them was pointless. I still care about what happens at TPTSNBN, but I care about it 9-5, M-F. If I start feeling sick about it on my weekend, I reject the feeling and tell myself “not now, I can feel that on Monday”.

      We’re so hardwired to be exemplary performers and always on. Giving yourself permission to be satisfied with simply being competent within your allocated hours can be remarkably liberating (and quite likely, all anyone else expects of you).

      1. Elizabeth West*

        learning to just care less about The Place That Shall Not Be Named

        This is how I survived the dysfunction at OldExPlaceThatShallNotBeNamed. Once I left for the day, I tried not to think or talk about it. The drive home was only ten minutes, but I used it as my physical unplugging. Evenings and weekends were mine to do whatever I wished. I was working on fiction during that time as well as a freelance content writing gig, and being able to disconnect helped me focus on it.

    6. Qwerty*

      I found it really helpful to get a “win” by making something. During a really bad job, I ordered a new desk chair that took about an hour to put together and it put me into a surprisingly good mood! I think its the combination of doing something with my hands and also having a product at the end. I’m usually a lot less drained on the weekend if I’m able to knit or crochet a bit on weeknights.

      I plan Sunday as me-day to rest and hide from the world. Any errands, activities, housework, etc get planned on Saturday. Frontloading the weekend on activities and then using Sunday as my recovery day helps me feel more rested going into Monday. Everything is optional on Sundays so its totally ok if all I do is watch netflix in sweatpants all day. I even avoid cooking by having leftovers for lunch and was ordering sushi for sunday dinner for a while.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Love that idea! I think anything that improves my space so that I can enjoy it more later, whether I make it or not, works similarly for me — ordering a new bath pillow, cleaning up a messy corner, etc.

    7. the cat's ass*

      I’m fortunate enough to flee The Place That Must Not Be Named at noon on Fridays, so i generally do some laundry,change into house clothes, order takeout, and i go to bed really early after hanging with the fam and/or watching or reading something really mindless. Then I try to do most of the errand-y things I can’t get to on Saturday, leaving Sunday for fun and rest!

    8. Yaz*

      Thanks all! Ended up spending some good time hanging with my partner this morning, followed by a challenging hike, and takeout from a neighborhood deli. I might have to try my hand at glass blowing soon … :)

      1. Rose*

        That sounds so lovely!
        My husband signed us up for glad Blount for my birthday. We’re both not crafty and I wasn’t overly excited about it. It was SO FUN!!

  4. Quinn*

    I went to an information meeting my county held for prospective foster parents this week and wanted to say thank you to Alison for putting the idea in my head and making me think I could do it. I am working on my application now.

    2. BellyButton*

      Fantastic! My husband and I have been fostering LGBTQ+ teens for about 7 years. They are so vulnerable and it is insane how many parents kick their kids out because they come out, especially if you live in a conservative area.

      1. Rose*

        Do you request LGBT+ teens specifically? How does that work?

        I deff want to foster when we own a home and I’d love to foster within the community.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      That is so cool! I have never gotten it together to do this, but I really admire those who do. Best of luck to you and your future kids. : )

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      This is lovely to read. I personally wouldn’t be able to do it but recognize how important it is for kids who need it.

  6. It's Bamboo O'Clock, Tick-Tock*

    I’ve been really sensitive to a lot of cleaning smells since a few months after I had Covid a year ago. I’ve seen a few other people mention it, but most of the attention seems to be on loss of smell or unpleasant tastes. Anyone else had this issue?

    1. Fikly*

      I’ve been having hallucinations with my sense of smell, hearing, and sight ever since covid (feb 2020) so I have no idea if what I’m smelling is real half the time. Sometimes things seem to smell much more strongly than they should, and I’m pretty sure they are real smells, though. It’s not restricted to cleaning products, can be just about anything.

      No idea what to do about that sensitivity, sorry, but I’m pretty sure you’re not the only one with it.

    3. GraceC*

      A coworker had it in late 2020, and did regain smell/taste after a few months. I believe their issues that lingered (until recently at least, possibly still going on) were the taste of lime being like cleaning chemicals, and the smell of deodorant being like overpowering garlic

      I think the deodorant one was partially solved by wearing natural deodorant, so it seems like the scent problem was being caused by a specific chemical composition that’s common to all mainstream deodorants

    4. Helvetica*

      So, I haven’t had COVID but after I had the vaccine – and after the booster -, I went through a period of being a “super-smeller”. Everything smelled so much more potent, and I have a very good sense of smell already, so it was a bit distracting at times. It passed in a week or two, and maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me but it was weird!

      1. allathian*

        Oof, sounds a lot like me when I was pregnant. I could smell an open bag of licorice in my coworker’s desk drawer, when the drawer was closed and I was standing 10 ft away, and she wasn’t eating it at that moment. I craved licorice, but because my blood pressure was already slightly elevated, I wasn’t allowed any…

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yes!! When I was pregnant my sense of taste and smell would go into hyper gear. I couldn’t even wear perfume because even light scents were too strong. The good thing is it made me not want as much salt in my food and that never went away.

        2. Helvetica*

          Yeah, I’ve heard that for pregnancy but not for COVID vaccine for anyone else. I had no other effects from the vaccine at all, just this superhero sense of smell.

    5. Warrior Princess Xena*

      I personally haven’t but a friend of mine has also experienced a noticeable uptick in smell sensitivity post Covid. For them it’s across the board, not just cleaning things, but it’s definitely there.

    6. BellyButton*

      I have read that COVID has messed with women’s hormones in a way that isn’t understood yet. I have been a hyper smaller in the past and it was all related to hormones. I went a year where all raw meat smelled rotten.

      2. Rose*

        Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Thank you for sharing. I’m not surprised but I am annoyed.

        I have PCOS and since getting covid gained a solid 13 pounds (on a very small frame). Nothing in my habits had changed and I can’t loose it no matter what I do.

        I’d like to be more body neutral but this brought me from “no chub rub” to “chub rub” and I can only wear dresses and skirts (my pants no longer fit and I haven’t had time and money to shop), and both of these things are wildly annoying.

      3. Quinalla*

        Interesting, I haven’t had COVID yet, but the vaccine appeared to interact with my pre-menopause hormone-weirdness in a weird way. The first vaccine not too much, but the second one I was going from hot to cold and back again what seemed like every minute for hours the day I got it, was really weird. I definitely knew others who had fever/chills, but this was another level. It was hot flashes and chills after which I usually get on steroids.

    7. Sundial*

      Yes, my nose is cranked up to 11 since I had Covid in May. I’m a human bloodhound. I have to do things like rinse dishes before plating up a meal, because I can smell the (fragrance free!) dishwasher soap still on the surface.

      I’m used to having olfactory hallucinations due to migraines, but this is not the same. I’m not smelling things that aren’t there, I’m just noticing every little fragrance that used to fly under my radar.

      1. anonymath*

        I get super-smell with my migraines. It’s not olfactory hallucinations, but instead just being overwhelmed by smells (even ones I love, like bacon). My migraines had some hormonal modulation component, and I wonder if the folks above are on to something (covid/hormones).

    8. Roy G. Biv*

      I had Covid November 2020, and still have occasional super sensitivity to strong smells – onions, scented toiletries, alternating with Covid nose “phantom smoke smell;” i.e. stale ashtray smell. These come and go once a month, staying for about 24 hours and then my sense of smell is back to normal. I’ve been trying to track if something specific triggers it, or is it hormonal fluctuations related. So far no pattern detected.

      1. CB29*

        I had COVID in January 2021 and I’ve also noticed the phantom smoky ashtray smell several times (as recently as yesterday), always in or near the laundry room.

        Also for a few months after COVID, cilantro tasted like soap (for me, it never had before) but thankfully now tastes normal and delicious again.

    9. Rose*

      Not cleaning stuff specifically but a lot of more chemically smells are weird now. Taste is pretty much the same.

  7. brain breaks*

    Any recs for

    a) fun British or Irish mysteries / detective stories? (I love Agatha Christie; love Tana French. Love a satisfying story – some darkness is okay, but like some levity/humor too. Doesn’t need to be too *cozy*.)

    b) exciting travel / adventure memoirs, especially by women? (e.g. Wild; Welcome to the Goddamned Ice Cube; Eat Pray Love; etc.)

    c) recent light, fun TV series about pretty people and their drama? : D

    2. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Ooh!

      a) I discovered earlier this year that Georgette Heyer of regency romance fame also apparently wrote a bunch of murder mysteries. Some of them are pretty bad, but they all made me laugh aloud at least once (her use of slang and general cattiness is really on point). My favorite of the bunch that I could get from the library (definitely don’t spend money on them!) was Behold, Here’s Poison.

      b) I haven’t read it as an adult to see how it holds up, but as an impressionable teen, I read Maiden Voyage by Tania Aebi and LOOOOOOVED it. I would immediately have run away to sea after reading it had I not been stuck in a landlocked state.

      c) not really my genre, but I did finally just get around to binging Abbott Elementary, and it’s definitely got both pretty people and drama, with a light touch. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a hard week– YMMV depending on your tastes.

      1. Sarah*

        A) I love Elly Griffiths series about Ruth Galloway who is an archaeologist in Norfolk.

        I also like Allison Montclair’s Sparks and Bainbridge series about two women who in postwar London who set up a matchmaking service and end up solving mysteries.

        If I can add a Canadian to the mix, Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache series about a police chief inspector in Quebec.

        C) i recently watched My Life is Murder with Lucy Lawless as a retired cop set in both Australia and New Zealand.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Sparks and Bainbridge sounds amazing! Checking my library immediately to see if they have it.

        2. brain breaks*

          Just got the first Sparks & Bainbridge from the library! Thanks for the recs! I’ve read both an Elly Griffith and a Louise Penny but for some reason didn’t love-love them. The Louise Penny was an audiobook though which may have been the problem.

          1. S*

            LP can take some getting used to. The first one(s) are very slow, but they are worth sticking with. I can’t do them on audio though

        3. allathian*

          Yeah, Ruth Galloway is great. I’ve only read a couple of those, but I’d like to read more.

    3. Dreaming of daffodils*

      Would an Australian detective series be okay? I also love Tana French and found Jane Harper’s books described as “Tana French in Australia”—I believe there are three, soon to be four, published!

      2. brain breaks*

        Ooh, thanks! I really liked ‘The Survivors’ and ‘The Dry’ by Harper and didn’t realize she had more!

    4. Dont be a dork*

      Have you tried the Miss Fisher murder mysteries? They’re Australian, but I find them and Kerry Greenwood’s other series, the Corinna Chapman books to be pleasant reads. Miss Fisher is both a series of books and a television series.

      I do *not* recommend the Modern Miss Fisher, though. They try too hard and I can’t feel very sympathetic to the main character, who appears to be a very lucky nitwit rather than a clever detective.

      1. Helvetica*

        I was just going to say Miss Fisher. Don’t know if it is still available on Netflix but it is delightful.
        I didn’t mind the modern version, though; if you detach it in your head from the original, it is quite entertaining. But yes, do not start with it.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        If your library has Hoopla, Miss Fisher is also available there for free.
        Also do not really recommend the Chinese version on HBO Max, called Miss S. The story lines are the same, but not the tone. Unless you’re only in it for the costumes. The costumes in the Chinese version are stunning.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          I actually went to check out Miss S just based on the description of the costumes and am loving it so far! Thanks for the tip, I probably never would have stumbled across it otherwise!

          1. Fellow Traveller*

            I’m glad you are enjoying it! It *is* beautiful.
            I have to admit that I am mainly into Miss. Fisher for the amazing chemistry between Phryne and Jack. Sigh. The Chinese version just doesn’t have that same slow burn tension.
            But I do continue to watch it so I can practice my Mandarin and enjoy the visuals!

      3. PhyllisB*

        The Miss Fisher sounds interesting. Who is the author? I’m loving this thread. My TBR list is really going to grow.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      Dorothy Sayers Peter Wimsey books – if you’re in a life+50 copyright country, they’re available on fadedpage.com for free. Several books in you get the start of a very satisfying relationship story that goes across multiple books.

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          A caveat… I have reread a couple of Ngaio Marshes lately, and, even allowing for the time period, have been horrified by the overt and persistent racism. Worse than Christie (who I still love).

          Sayers and Allingham I highly recommend, along with my mother’s favourite, P.D. James, who I sometimes suspect was paid by the word. Simon Brett wrote Charles Paris, a hilariously believable professional actor / detective. Peter Robinson (I believe) is originally from Yorkshire but lives in Canada. Martha Grimes is a bit hit or miss — but her characters are unforgettable. Reginald Hill writes Dalziel and Pascoe. Colin Dexter wrote the Chief Inspector Morse mysteries.

      3. Dancing Otter*

        At least one of Sayers’ books is rather problematic as to anti-Semitism. I just remind myself DS isn’t espousing it, but reflecting the society of the period.
        Also, Jill Paton Walsh has done a good job continuing the series through and after WWII, if you like Lord Peter and Harriet.

    6. strawberry ice cream*

      b) -miles from nowhere by barbara savage
      -lands of lost borders by kate harris
      – A Boat in Our Baggage: Around the World with a Kayak
      by Maria Coffey
      -A Woman’s Way Through Unknown Labrador by Mina Benson Hubbard
      -if you like anthologies/short story collections, “solo: on her own adventures” by susan fox rogers (also a couple of other books: maybe with pairs of women?)
      I have another couple in my bedroom I’ll try to post tomorrow.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      a) The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. It’s good fun, free of graphic violence (any hints of darkness come from reflecting about aging and decline, given it’s based in a retirement community), and a bit whimsical if that’s something you might like. It has a sequel already out and one on the way.

    8. Lead Balloon*

      Seconding Dorothy Sayers. Murder Must Advertise is my favourite. Sayers worked in an advertising agency before she became a novelist and it really captures the feel of the 1930s.

      You might like Ngaio Marsh too. She was writing a similar time to Christie and Sayers.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, seconding Dick Francis. I also like the more recent books by his son Felix, who took a few solo novels to get truly into his stride, but he’s there now, IMO.

    9. Square Root of Minus One*

      For books, I was just reading H.Y. Hanna series (Oxford Tearoom Mysteries) and Rhys Bowen (Her Royal Spyness). I think they’re both worth a try :)

    10. CJ*

      The Hilary Tamar series (Sarah Caudwell) is a lot of fun.

      If you like YA and especially if you like boarding school stories, the Murder Most Unladylike series (Robin Stevens) is awesome.

      I’ve also enjoyed the Daisy Dalrymple series (1920s mysteries, Carola Dunn).

    11. Emma2*

      For travel/adventure memoirs, although this is older than what you have listed so the style is a bit different, you could check out Dervla Murphy. Her first and best known book was Full Tilt: Ireland to India with a Bicycle. In 1963, in her early 30s, Dervla set out on the journey she had dreamed of since receiving a second hand bicycle for her tenth birthday – cycling from Ireland through France, Italy, Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, Turkey, Persia, Afghanistan and Pakistan to India.

        1. Emma2*

          I know – definitely a life very well lived. Her final interview, which was with the FT a few months before her death, is worth reading.

    12. Angstrom*

      Dick Francis mysteries. He was a professional steeplechase jockey, so most of the stories have a connection to the British horse racing business. “Reflex” is one of my favorites.

      1. Lizabeth*

        Second the Dick Francis! I like how he mixes horses with another profession. Always learn something from them.

      2. Daisy*

        Another Dick Francis fan! Proof is my favorite. Personally, I prefer his stand-alone books over the series.

    13. Bizhiki*

      A clerk at the second hand mystery book store in Victoria, BC (sadly defunct now) recommended Josephine Tey for an Agathe Christie/Dorothy Sayer fan in my life, and her books were a big hit.

    14. Irish Teacher*

      Ireland has the Sister Fidelma mysteries (OK, not sure if the author is British or Irish, but the stories are set in 7th century Ireland).

      Otherwise, anything by Anthony Horowitz is awesome, especially Magpie Murders.

      And I’d second Murder Most Unladylike and Josephine Tey.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      a) Ellis Peters’ Brother Cadfael series

      b) Inside by Susan Conrad, her memoir about her solo kayak trip up the Inside Passage

      c) The Morning Show is not always light (at all), but definitely plenty of pretty people and drama, and they all live in lovely houses and work in good-looking offices.

    16. Camelid coordinator*

      I was reminded of the Reverend Mother series by Cora Harrison the other day, about a nun in 1920s Ireland. Also, have you read The Mountains Wild by Sarah Stewart Taylor? I seem to be giving you series set in Ireland, hope that isn’t too far from what you asked for.

      I started watching Virgin River on Netflix the other day, which you might want to consider.

    17. Fellow Traveller*

      For 2) I really liked The Salt Path by Raynor Winn.
      Not by a woman, but Between the Desert and the Sea by Michael Scott Moore was gripping. It recounts his time captured by Somali pirates. Surprisingly funny in parts.

      1. Nitpicker*

        If we are talking TV, also Midsomer Murders (for England) and Murdoch Mysteries (for Canada). Both have been on forever and have amazing casts.

    19. Snow Globe*

      #3 – I just finished binging “Extraordinary Attorney Woo” on Netflix, a fun Korean comedy/drama, with lots of pretty people.

    20. PhyllisB*

      Have you read Carlene O’Connor? She has a series that starts with Death in an Irish Village. I’ve only read two of them so far but I liked them. I’ll have to go peruse my reading list for more. I read a ton of mysteries, but I can’t think of specifically Irish writers.
      Just thought of another one. I believe Tara French is Irish. Haven’t read any of her books yet, but I know she’s popular. Also I enjoy Ruth Ware. She’s not Irish, but she is British.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Oooh, I think I need “Death in an Irish Village.” On the whole, I don’t think Ireland has the tradition of murder mysteries that Britain (or maybe specifically England, not sure?) does and when we DO, they often tend to be a bit darker than the English ones.

        There IS a Quirke series, by Benjamin Black, but…I would not call them anything like cosy. Pretty dark and with a lot of political allusions. I read a couple but got a bit tired of the political/church conspiracies/scandals. Not that they are unrealistic or anything – we had quite a few scandals in the latter half of the 20th century – but it just seemed like every mystery the guy solved had to get into social commentary.

    21. PhyllisB*

      Ugh. I need to read more carefully. I just realized that a; you said British or Irish, and b: you already mentioned Tara French. I’ll drink more coffee to get my brain in gear and chime in again later.

    22. EdgarAllanCat*

      For mysteries, I recommend Rennie Airth and Charles Todd books. Travel memoirs are Round Ireland with a Fridge and Playing the Moldovans at Tennis both by Tony Hawks.

      (Awarding myself bonus points because Tony Hawks is a British comedian – melding a & b.)

    23. Pieismyreligion*

      C) not new, but have you seen Craxy Ex-Girlfriend? Everyone in that show is terrible in their own way. And there’s a singing and dancing interlude in every episode.

    24. Bagpuss*

      A) Margery Allingham and Ngaio Marsh – both contemporaries of Christie – Marsh are mostly straight mystery, quite a few have a theatrical setting , Allingham has more humour.
      If you can find them, Pamela Branch – murder every Monday , and a few others. They were written in the same period and are very funny (one has a household of young, somewhat bohemian friends all trying to dispose of a body and all believing that one of the others is responsible.
      Ellis Peters – she wrote the brother Cadfael books which are gentle medieval mysteries but also wrote modern detective novels. ‘Never pick up Hitchhikers’ is a stand alone and quite funny in places, and then there is a serious featuring Inspector George Felse and in some of the books, his wife and son.
      I agree that Georgette Heyer’s mysteries are nothing like as good as her Regency romances, but reasonably entertaining.
      I wouldn’t say Josephine Tey was fun but hers are extremely good, and she had a sense of humour.

    25. Anon5775*

      For a book, “Sand in my bra and other misadventures” edited by Julia Weiler and Jennifer Leo.

    26. merp*

      for A, have you read any Ruth Ware? might be a bit more grim/thriller-y than you’re looking for but they are fun and I couldn’t put them down

      1. merp*

        oh gosh, and this has been ages but I just remembered a travel book I read years ago called Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven. definitely a wild ride!

        1. brain breaks*

          Ahh I loved Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven! And I also thoroughly enjoyed a couple of Ruth Ware’s. I should see what else she has that I haven’t read!

      1. feline outerwear catalog*

        I enjoyed “Jann” on Hulu, semi autobiographical comedy with Jann Arden about an aging one hit wonder trying to make it in a social media world.

        1. Pennyworth*

          Hamish Macbeth was a brilliant TV series. Agatha Raisin on TV leaves me cold, I think the casting is all wrong.

    28. Emily Elizabeth*

      I’ve been loving reading the Veronica Speedwell series by Deanna Raybourn (which I’m pretty sure was first recommended to me on here!), set primarily in London in the 1880s. Veronica is a lepidopterist who falls into mystery solving with her very good looking natural historian partner, Stoker. There’s lots of wonderful banter, clever mysteries, and an enjoyable odd-couple romantic subplot – very Bones meets Agatha Christie to me.

    29. WoodswomanWrites*

      This isn’t memoir, but you might enjoy the book On Top of the World: Five Women Explorers in Tibet. It’s a profile of European and American women in the 1800s, published by Mountaineers Books.

    30. Wilde*

      I’m surprised no one has mentioned the tv series Only Murders in the Building – it’s like a screenplay Agatha Christie. I loved both seasons so much.

      For light pretty drama I’d also recommend Hart of Dixie, although I don’t know how well it’s aged.

      Ngaio Marsh mystery stories. I loved them because I felt like sometimes I actually guessed the murderer! And the Maggie Hope series by Susan Elia Macneal. An undercover spy in WWII working in London/Berlin/Washington DC etc.

    31. Isobel*

      Seconding Elly Griffiths – she has three series protagonists: Ruth Galloway (forensic archeology set in Norfolk); Stephens & Mephisto (1950s/60s Brighton); and most recently DS Harbinder Kaur.
      Also Catriona McPherson’s Dandy Gilver series – 1930s Scotland, but not too cosy, and Jane Casey’s Maeve Kerrigan series (London-set police procedural, though Casey is Irish and she gives Maeve Irish parents).

    32. cleo*

      For #3 – light, fun tv. I’ve just finished watching the new A League of Their Own series on Amazon Prime and it was so good and so fun.

      It’s a remake of the 1992 movie and like the movie, it’s based on the real life women’s baseball league that was started during WWII. It delves more deeply into existing issues like sexism, racism and homophobia than the movie did, but the overall tone is light and fun.

      It’s not obvious from the trailers but there are several queer players, which is more historically accurate. There’s a couple swoony sapphic romances.

    33. brain breaks*

      Thanks so much to all for all of the many, many great recommendations! So many things on my list now!

    34. Buona Forchetta (formerly Pregnant During Covid but now she’s a toddler!)*

      Another rec for Louise Penny’s Gamache series set in Quebec! I love disappearing into those stories.

    35. Rose*

      Uncoupling! By far the most charming best thing I’ve watched in ages. It’s from the producer of SATC but this time he made it about his own demographic (gay men in their 50s) and I think it lands much much better.

    36. EJ*

      I love Miss Fishers murder mysteries on TV, but the books were hit and miss for me. I am another fan of Dick Francis, Charles Todd and Rhys Bowen.

      But my most favorite of favorites is the Maisie Dobbs series by Jacqueline Winspear, wonderful books!

    37. A Little Bit Alexis*

      Blair Braverman (Welcome to the Goddamned Ice Cube) wrote a book with her husband called “Dogs on the Trail: A Year in the Life” about raising and racing sled dogs. It’s a photobook, but it has interesting information and stories. Blair has some really good Twitter threads and articles in magazines as well – not the same as reading a memoir, but still really good and exciting! I always enjoy her stories about the dogs and followed along during and after the Iditarod when she told stories about the race.

    38. ProducerNYC*

      Not sure if you mean reading or tv/film, but Richard Osman’s Thursday Murder Club series (2 so far) is so delightful a read I can hardly contain my excitement. I just know someone is going to pick it up and translate to big or small screen.
      Scott & Bailey series is a bit older now but stars the fab Suranne Jones & Lesley Sharp as policewomen in Manchester. Still love it. River, starring Stellan Skarsgard and the riveting Nicola Walker was short but mesmerizing- deals with mental health, grief, and has some good police work as well. Echoing the cheers for My Life is Murder as well.

    39. Lilacs against white houses*

      Denise Mina is a Scottish crime writer. I really like her Garnethill trilogy, although some of her later stuff is hit or miss.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      It’s based on a Belgian series called Clan or The Out-Laws. I don’t know how much Bad Sisters deviates, but Clan is very dark and funny.

      I have been watching Father Brown, and a friend recommended the spin-off, Sister Boniface Mysteries, which are both fun, retro comedy mysteries.

    2. Bobina*

      Sharon Horgan is involved so I’m definitely interested! I’ll probably wait for all the episodes to air and then binge it though – but it definitely seems hilarious :)

      1. TPS reporter*

        She is amazing and her co stars are equally good. Catastrophe is another recommendation from her resume

  9. Atomic Tangerine*

    I read Gideon the Ninth (recommended a couple weeks ago) and then immediately read Harrow the Ninth right after because she kind of left it on a cliffhanger. And then it took half the second book for anything to happen.

    Book three comes out next month and it seems she is now switching to a completely different character and I dunno do I really want to invest my time again? Are we going to do another 200 pages of describing skeletons and analyzing our feelings before we find out what happens to our heroines? I do wonder what happens next but I’m not sure I want to commit. Change my mind?

    1. slip*

      ah yeah, I’m excited but also really looking forward to getting back to our main cast. Gideon was such a great narrator, I’m curious how Nona will be.

      1. Atomic Tangerine*

        Yes [[[[[SPOILERS]]]]] when Gideon showed up again in book two I was delighted, she’s so much more fun to read. I think I want reassurance we’ll hear more than a few pages from her in book 3!

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        I don’t know what you mean. Harrow was basically the co-star with Gideon. I wouldn’t count on a “return to the main cast” as Nona wasn’t in book 1 and 2 and the fourth book is named Alecto the Ninth and they have not been introduced yet.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      Yeah, the first book worked much better than the second book for me. It’s all about the narrator voice. I’ll borrow the new one from library, but I wouldn’t bother it if I had to pay (actually, the only reason I finished number two is because I hadn’t paid for it).

    3. Virtual Light*

      Well, given the various kinds of unreliable narrators we have been given, and the truly weird way the first two books ended, I’m not so sure we have any idea WHO will actually be in the new book. Muir is rather devious. Perhaps naively, I am expecting some furtherance of the main storyline. If not, I enjoy the world enough to be happy!

      Maybe wait a while then read some (spoiler-free) reviews before you commit?

    4. Lilo*

      I just couldn’t make it through the first book. On paper Gideon the Ninth should be just up my alley, but about 75% of the way through I just found it a chore.

    5. Double A*

      Woo! I think think this might have been my recommendation as I am recommend Gideon the Ninth far and wide. I haven’t read Harrow yet, I’ve got it on my library list. I can’t imagine it could be as entertaining because Gideon was almost a self contained book with a bridge tacked into the end, so the next book won’t really be a continuation of what was so entertaining about the first book (basically a self contained whodunnit in a Gothic space mansion). And Harrow would be such a different voice.

      It’s interesting that people are calling Gideon the narrator because the book is written in 3rd person! It’s just such close third person that it practically is her narration; when I was in the middle of reading it I remembered it being first person.

    7. The Person from the Resume*

      Actually I’m with you. I will not be reading Nona although I expect the narrator will be more likable.

      [[SPOILERS]]
      I think the 2nd book needed an editor. The book was too confusing and completely unreliable for too long.

      I vaguely understood what was going on (more than Harrow). Harrow was traumatized and misremembering the past events and edited Gideon out and also renaming the new Gideon.

      But I dismissed the “flashback” as hallucinations and skimmed them when it revealed it was more than hallucinations I wondered if I should reread to understand and then decided I didn’t care.

      Also my friend was excited about the reveal Gideon’s parentage – child of a good/king. Whereas I asked her why because both Gideon’s parents were total immoral assholes.

      I’m a sci fi fan and not fantasy or horror so this wan’t the series for me. I think the series could have been better (more enjoyable to me) if it was edited shorter and less confusing. I loved Gideon’s voice in book 1, but the author enjoyed confusing the readers too much and the trilogy has become a tetralogy (and I don’t trust to author to not make it never ending).

      1. Lady_Lessa*

        I read Gideon the Ninth for a book club, and that was one that most of us really didn’t care for. Maggie the librarian/group leader was in the middle of the second one. I was one that did not like it one bit. (But I am looking forward to our discussion on “The Hacienda” week after next.)

        I cheated and looked at the Wikopedia write up.

        Spoiler Alert: It read like the author was using alternate universes to get herself out of trouble with the plotting.

        I like alternate universes in their place, though.

        1. The Person from the Resume*

          The only reason I read Gideon the Ninth was because it was a book club selection. Other than the enthusiast that recommended most thought it was too long, too complicated, and too confusing.

          I like it enough to give Harrow a chance. But I’m done. I suspect I’ll read the plot summaries on Wikipedia just to see how it turns out. That’s a sign that IMO the author had good ideas poorly executed. And when the execution makes for a long and slow, it’s not worth my time.

    8. Ali*

      Haha, I loved Gideon the Ninth, and I also loved Harrow the Ninth b/c I love it when writers take a big swing. Yes, it was confusing, but it sure wasn’t written to a blueprint! The story is just the most original thing I have come across in ages and I find it really refreshing.

  10. Lonely Covidian*

    My husband and I both tested positive for COVID this past weekend. He’s doing well, pretty much recovered. I am on Day 6 of still needing to be in bed 80-90% of the time, had the whole cohort of symptoms, and started paxlovid because of mild shortness of breath. The thing is, aside from people I know who are unvaccinated and my senior-citizen aged dad, everyone else I know who has had covid (which seems like almost everyone) says it was “no big deal” or they were totally asymptomatic. I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy or something for being down and out with this thing and/or for having so many symptoms.

    I’m not looking for medical advice and I know that I am somewhat improving (even if incrementally) but someone please tell me I’m not the only one who got knocked sideways even after triple vax?

    1. NLR*

      It’s a deadly disease that has killed millions, I don’t think there’s anything surprising about it knocking you on your ass!

      1. Atomic Tangerine*

        Oooh I’ve known several people who were laid low despite 3-4 doses of vaccine, and others who breezed through it (or claimed to) despite being unvaccinated, so luck of the draw I guess but you’re not bananas. Feel better soon!

        1. UKDancer*

          Definitely luck of the draw. Most of my (fully vaccinated) team has had it and the severity has varied from “asymptomatic” through “cold symptoms” to “seriously unwell for a fortnight.” The severity seemed to bear no relation to peoples’ general state of health and seems down to chance.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m sorry, this sounds miserable. My husband and I both got it this summer despite being triple vaxxed and it wasn’t nearly as bad as what you’re describing but it was NOT “just like a cold/the flu” even as a mild case. I would think I felt pretty okay and then get completely exhausted trying to do simple tasks, like needing to sit down halfway through loading the dishwasher or something. I feel really lucky that it wasn’t worse, but it was NOT fun.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        It’s worth noting that “mild COVID” generally refers to not needing oxygen or hospitalization, so it can still be pretty nasty.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      +1 to NLR’s reply!

      My own response: Oh, no, you’re not the only one. My covid infection included a respiratory congestion, a raspy voice, and epic fatigue. I remember lying in bed, shutting my eyes, and re-opening them several hours later. Thankfully I did not need hospital admission, a ventilator, or even the asthma inhaler that the urgent-care physician insisted on prescribing for me. I was over the worst symptoms after about 8 days but the fatigue hung on for several more weeks. This could have been because there were other stressful things going on in my life at the same time.

      FYI I’m in the U.S. and was vaxxed (twice). I don’t recall whether I was boosted when I got sick due to the above-mentioned stressors.

    4. thatwordylady*

      While my round of COVID was super easy (I had a worse reaction to the third vax!), my brother and a few colleagues were completely knocked flat by it. I got it pretty early on in our region’s wave, so I don’t know if that’s anything to do with it. My colleague’s entire family got wiped out for over two weeks with it, actually!

      Hope you’re feeling much better soon — it sounds awful!

    5. Indigo Five Alpha*

      I have had covid twice at this point. The first time I only had a sore throat. The second, even though by that point I was double jabbed, I was much worse – not as bad as you, but I felt utterly miserable and stayed in bed a good few days.

      It’s a bloody weird illness.

      I hope you’re feeling much better soon.

    6. PollyQ*

      Pretty much my whole family got it back in April, and although my case wasn’t that bad (mild-to-moderate cold level), a couple of my relatives had nastier cases with high fevers and whatnot. And 2 of my older relatives had it earlier in the year, and were laid VERY low. You are not at all crazy, this is really happening, it’s just bad luck that it’s happening to you. I hope you continue to improve and feel much better soon!

    7. Pants*

      You’re not alone. I volunteered with the health department when the pandemic hit. I was meticulous about exposure until well after the vaccine became available. I received the vax two days after it first became available. And yet, one week after my second booster (fourth shot), the danged bug got me. It wiped me out for three weeks. Hang in there; you will get better

    8. covid really sucks*

      One of my friends caught COVID in April less than a month after getting the booster. He’s in his early 30s, and pretty healthy, and it *really* knocked him sideways for a whole week, and then it took a couple of months for the tiredness to go away.

      I got it two weeks ago, and I was uncomfortable and miserable, but I’ve had worse colds before. I’m underweight, far less healthy than my friend, and had only 2 doses of the vaccine (last one in October).

    9. Lilo*

      I was vaxxed and boosted and got absolutely whammied by the exhaustion and shakiness. I had very few cold symptoms but just extreme exhaustion. I also had some problems with tachycardia for weeks after COVID. From what I have read, none of that is unusual. I’m an active person in my mid 30s.

    10. Bobina*

      Had it earlier this year even after being boosted and it definitely wasnt an easy ride! I made the mistake of going back to work way too early and should definitely have taken 2 full weeks off (rather than the 1). And while I didnt exactly have long covid, after the initial symptoms died down, I struggled with fatigue and really bad headaches for a solid 4-6 weeks after, and then it probably took another 3 months before my energy levels and (cardio) fitness were back to anything like normal.

      So basically, its still out there hitting people hard!

    11. Covid got me good*

      I am on Day 8 of Covid, and it’s been rough for me, too. I’m fully vaccinated and boosted, so I never expected to be taken down so hard by the disease. I was hoping to be fully recovered by now, but I’m not. I still have cold symptoms (stuffed up nose and cough) and a headache since last night. I believe the antiviral medication is triggering the headaches, and don’t even get me started about the metallic taste in my mouth from the pills that makes me nauseous. The side effects from the medication are worse than the Covid symptoms at this late point in the game. I didn’t start the medication when my symptoms were at their worst (fever, chills, shortness of breath), which likely would have been more helpful. I’m also tired and just feel unwell overall. I lost five pounds since the symptoms began due to a lack of appetite. All of this to say, you are not alone! I go back to work on Monday. I hope by then, I’ll be better! I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Asenath*

        I didn’t try to get the anti-viral – by the time I had the energy to think about it, I was clearly recovering. I had the headaches anyway. And that damn persistent cough was the last symptom to disappear. It went on and on.

      2. Lonely Covidian*

        The metallic taste is so terrible! Nothing makes it go away and it makes sleeping even more challenging. I’m grateful for the medication but agree the side effect is a real challenge.

        1. EJ*

          To help the metallic taste, don’t put metal in your mouth. I know it sounds obvious but using plastic forks, spoons etc instead of metal may help your taste.

      3. bratschegirl*

        Not just you by any means. My 90+ dad had 4 shots and got it anyhow, did get on Paxlovid right away and had a very mild case; much younger friends were miserably sick for 2 weeks-ish. It’s a total crapshoot, how it manifests for any individual. I hope you feel much better soon.

    12. Asenath*

      You aren’t alone. Although my case seems to have been easier than yours, it wasn’t fun – and I picked it up just at the point it was recommended that I was eligible for my fourth shot, but hadn’t had it, so it wasn’t as though I hadn’t had my shots, or taken the precautions recommended by the local Public Health. It was just bad luck. I knew the instant I woke up that first morning that I probably had COVID and most certainly did not have a common cold, based on the symptoms and how badly I felt. I confirmed it with a rapid test since I felt too miserable to go out and get a PCR test, and also didn’t have a car to get to the drive-through clinic. Over the first week, I did notice regular improvement, especially after day 2, but I lost nearly 9 pounds that week (unfortunately quickly regained) since my appetite went – I think I could taste food, I just didn’t want to eat it. The second week I felt pretty normal unless I tried to do something like exercise, so I was still pretty worn out – it “took all the good out of me” as we say here – and I’m now totally recovered, about two months later.

      Anecdotal evidence from my corner of the world is all over the map. Among friends and acquaintances who had it (all, as far as I know, after vaccination), it hasn’t been unusual to hear that, say, one of a couple got pretty sick, and the other, testing as a precaution because of the exposure, tested positive but didn’t actually feel sick at all. No one I know personally had to be hospitalize, but some of them were pretty sick at home, and some wouldn’t have noticed they had it if they hadn’t happened to get tested.

      So, as I said, you aren’t alone.

    13. The Other Dawn*

      It’s been different for pretty much everyone I know. I got it from my trainer. Mine was similar to a moderate cold and I didn’t have any of the tiredness or fever. I had a dry cough at the end, but it seemed to go away much faster than a typical cough after a cold. Trainer had no cold symptoms at all, and instead had exhaustion, vertigo, and no sense of taste. My sister had a very bad sore throat (she thought it was strep) and cold symptoms, and was tired for weeks. My friend had mild cold symptoms and was tired for a couple weeks. A couple of my husband’s coworkers were asymptomatic.

    15. Irish Teacher*

      Like everybody else, I know people who’ve had…I was going to say the full spectrum of experiences, but thankfully, I don’t know anybody who needed ICU treatment or who died of it, but the full spectrum of mild-to-moderate. I know some people who were completely asymptomatic and only knew they had it because they tested after being a close contact, some who were mildly ill for a few days and quite a number of people who said it was like a really bad flu, they were very sick for 1-2 weeks and then not really right for another 2-4 weeks.

      And as others have said, there’s no pattern. I’ve known older people who had only mild symptoms and young, otherwise healthy people who said it was the sickest they’ve ever been.

      And this isn’t only true of covid. It’s not unusual for people to have very different experiences of illness or injury for all kinds of reasons.

    16. ecnaseener*

      Yep, my BIL was sick with it for 2 weeks in the spring. Young, otherwise healthy, vaxxed and boosted. He’s fine now!

    17. Melanie Cavill*

      When I got it, I’d had three jabs. I was so weak, I could barely get out of bed for four days. It definitely isn’t just you.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      I think this reflects that for the fully vaxxed, it’s like a bad flu strain. For most people, not that big a deal. Some get flattened. And some wind up hospitalized, or die.

      In the summer of 2020 I caught an enterovirus. From my spouse, and for him it was being tired and wanting to nap for 5 days, followed by a slight dry cough. I had those same symptoms a week later. (Yay, we thought, this means spouse didn’t have an odd-presenting covid but just some sort of tired-cough flu!) And then I woke up with blisters lining my mouth, my hands and feet were swollen, and it was the launch of weeks of misery. Most adults are immune, followed by those who are asymptomatic, followed by those for whom symptoms are very slight–but some of us are special. (I was recovering from cancer treatment, which I’m sure didn’t help.)

      1. Lasslisa*

        What a great framing. It’s easy (for me at least) to forget that “like the flu” includes a whole lot of hospitalizations, because people use it colloquially to mean any old virus beyond a cold.

        1. Asenath*

          The family doctor we went to when I was a child used to get annoyed at people who turned up saying they had the flu, which we tended, and tend, to use for any respiratory illness including the common cold. “No”, he’d say, “You don’t have the flu. You have a cold. The flu, influenza, is something else.”.

          I used to be very susceptible to chest infections even with the common cold – that same doctor put me in hospital once because I had pneumonia. But I always remembered that no matter how bad my colds were, they weren’t influenza. That helped in understanding what COVID was and wasn’t – particularly when one of the representative of Public Health pointed out that a “mild” case was one that didn’t put you in hospital or the ICU. I knew I could be pretty sick with a respiratory infection without having to be hospitalized.

        2. Sundae funday*

          I had the real flu 20 years ago- I was young, healthy, etc- and it took 3 months before I felt 100%. I was very sick for a week, sorta sick for another, and then it was weeks and weeks of exhaustion. It was the one year I’d skipped the flu shot and I never did again. I always roll my eyes when people say, “I’m not sure if it’s a cold or the flu” because there’s just no comparison.

          1. JSPA*

            There are a multitude of cold viruses, and another multitude of influenza viruses, and the ends of the spectra overlap (especially if you’ve been vaccinated for the flu or had a related strain previously).

            Remember: we slot several (non-covid 19) coronaviruses in under “cold viruses,” that they have also (upon introduction to previously-unexposed populations) been serious pandemics in their own right, and that some people still remain dangerously susceptible to them.

            And therein lies the response to this post: genetics, our own past exposure, and for some diseases, even maternal exposure as well as specific health conditions means we are differentially susceptible to all communicable diseases.

            But also: if you get it from a loved one with whom you share air for hours on end, unmasked, your exposure may well be more extreme than their (probably shorter term, perhaps masked, presumably more distanced) exposure.

            As the higher risk person, I do the in-person stuff where possible…as I’m probably safer as the index, rather than as the secondary case in the houshold. (Plus I have years of masking experience, a highly mask compatible face, and am impervious to suggestions that I de-mask because it’s “safe enough” by someone else’s standards.)

        3. Irish Teacher*

          Yeah, I am bemused by people that say “it’s JUST a bad flu,” because a “bad flu” can kill people. A bad flu would make me think the Spanish Flu, which killed more people than World War I. But people seem to think the flu is just a bad cold.

    19. Chilipepper Attitude*

      Though I tested negatively be each time by multiple PCR tests, my husband has had COVID twice, and my doc says my antibodies show I had it (but not when).

      The first time he had it, pre vaccine, he wound up in the hospital and he was so out of it before that that I had trouble getting him to eat, he lost weight he did not need to lose and had to build back up after. Second time he had it is was more like a slightly bad flu or cold and he stayed in bed a day or two.

      I was asymptomatic. I have more risk factors for getting it and for being made sicker by it.

      So it really varies by person and even each time the same person has it.

    20. the cat's ass*

      It’s not you, It’s COVID! I’m quadruple vaxxed and got it in may. I was really sick for a week, but because i was negative 6 days out, had to RTW. It took me another month to be able to get up a flight of stairs without shortness of breath. And i was SO tired, for about 3 weeks i slept as much as i could.

    21. Nack*

      Oh no, it’s not just you. My husband and I had it last month. We are both 30, pretty healthy, vaccinated, and we were miserable! And I understand the unhelpful comments like “it’s just a cold.” No, sorry, it’s not. I barely had the energy to walk into the next room for more than a week. Those comments were frustrating because they ignored what I was actually experiencing for what people would like to believe about Covid.

      1. Lonely Covidian*

        Thank you for this – you exactly captured what I’ve been feeling about the “just a cold” comments!

    22. Stephanie*

      I’ve had Covid twice, despite being vaccinated and getting one booster. The first time, it was awful. I was extremely congested and got exhausted just going to the bathroom. My doctor put me on Paxlovid, and it made a bit of a difference with the congestion, but I remember telling her that it was the sickest I had been since I had pneumonia 15 years ago. It took me over a week to feel back to myself. The second time, it was more like mild cold symptoms, and I felt better in just a few days.
      You’re not crazy. It’s an often deadly virus, and some of us get hit really hard with symptoms, and some get lucky and only have mild symptoms. Hang in there, and feel better soon!

    23. PhyllisB*

      You are not alone. I’ve had it twice and neither time was bad. I lost my sense of taste and smell for a while the first time, the second time, no symptoms at all.
      However, two people from my church nearly died with it. One was on a ventilator for weeks. Luckily both made a full recovery. I’m just saying that if people are trying to minimize your distress, don’t pay any attention. Just take care of yourself.

    24. Megan M.*

      Not just you. My family caught it this past weekend. We’re vaxxed. I had body aches, chills, sore throat, couldn’t get out of bed for a full day. My fiancé has had it worse – multiple days of being bedridden and miserable. The kids breezed through it except my 12 year old, she also had chills and body aches and felt generally sick to her stomach for days.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      You’re not. I know people who got it and felt fine, and others who felt like crap for a week or more. I hope you’re better soon!

    26. GingerNP*

      Omicron is really good at escaping immunity (both from previous illness and from the vaccines that have been available until this point). We are seeing far fewer people needing to be hospitalized and requiring oxygen etc, but it is still making lots of people feel like garbage for a long time. Somebody else said “it’s a weird disease” and it totally is. I hope you feel better soon!

    27. BellyButton*

      I had no symptoms other than a really bad headache and fever the first few days and total exhaustion that lasted weeks after I tested negative. I would be fine, I would get on a zoom meeting and then by the end of the hour I felt like I would fall over.

      I hope you feel better soon!

    28. cubone*

      I was only double vaxxed at the time but I got it around Christmas last year and it was 10 days of horror. Both my partner and I were completely immobile for a full week. It was horrendous and it really annoys me when all we hear is the “it’s just a bad little cold” narrative.

    29. Elle Woods*

      Family friends had it a few weeks back. They were both vaxxed and double boosted. The husband had it so bad he wound up hospitalized for a couple of days. They’re both doing better now, thank goodness. Hopefully your recovery will swift.

    30. Qwerty*

      Non-covid commiseration: A few years ago (pre-pandemic), a mild cold went through my family. Except for me, who developed pnumonia, was passing out regularly and probably should have been hospitalized, then pulled a muscle from coughing so hard resulting in inflammation acted like a python squeezing the air out of my lungs. Was off of work for a week, worked from home another 1-2 weeks, and it took months for my cough to stop sounding scary to coworkers.

      Everyone else in my family? Just some sniffles for a couple days, maybe a bit tired.

      My point is that normal respiratory diseases affect us differently, there’s a ton of factors and sometimes we just get really unlucky.

      Also, a lot of people I know who said their covid was “not that bad” mean “I expected it to be worse”. Hopefully the silver lining here is that your husband sounds recovered enough to be taking care of you!

    31. Ann Ominous*

      My husband and I got it recently and it knocked us on our asses even though we are vaxxed, boosted, active, and healthy. We slept most of the time for the first 5 or so days, and we’re more tired than usual for about 3 weeks afterward.

      The best advice we received was to not push through anything. If you aren’t sure, err on the side of more rest. Nothing good will come out of pushing too hard. Nothing bad will come out of resting too much.

      And consider taking this opportunity to be very kind to the sick you that needs extra gentleness and care right now. You’re allowed to be sick.

    32. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I know many vaxxed and boosted people who got quite sick with it anyway. Part of the annoying/dastardly part of this disease is how some people feel pretty fine while others are laid low. Please don’t beat yourself up for being sick. I’m glad that you got the anti-viral, and I hope it helps! Rest up, and don’t feel guilty. I prescribe trashy TV, whatever feels comforting to you to eat, and lots of naps. And if things keep getting worse, don’t hesitate to get emergency assistance.

      I wasn’t terribly sick, but my lungs felt yucky enough that I took a course of low-dose steroids (Paxlovid was in short supply then), and I did all my “stuff that we don’t discuss on the weekend” online for several weeks. I didn’t feel normal physically for about six weeks, and even now, I still struggle with brain fog months later. What’s “normal” in this disease is quite a spectrum.

    33. Veronica Marx*

      Just chiming in to say you’re not the only one! I was triple vaxxed and it was hard. I was sicker than I’ve been in a long time and I was so, so exhausted. One of my coworkers had just gotten her 2nd booster when she got it and was even sicker than I was.

      So while most of the people I know were like your group–very mild cases–certainly not for everyone. Sorry you’re so sick; hope you’re 100% soon! For me I turned the corner on Day 7 and finally felt a lot better (not 100%, but much much better), so I’ll hope for a similar trajectory for you!

    34. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      You’re not the only one.

      I had two doses of the vaccine, in February and March 2021, and then what was almost certainly covid in June of that year. It felt like the worst cold I’d ever had in my life, and was “mild” in the sense that I wasn’t hospitalized, and recovered after a few weeks. (At the time, my doctor said they didn’t think it was worth testing, given my then-recent vaccination, so we didn’t.)

      Take it easy, and take as much time as you need. As other people have noted, “mild” in this context means that you weren’t hospitalized, and also the paxlovid is likely to be helping.

    35. Lonely Covidian*

      I can’t thank you all enough for these stories and sharing your experiences. I am currently sitting outside, enjoying the breeze and the tiny hint of fall in the air, and letting it be okay that I just need lots of rest right now. My husband is definitely doing a great job of taking care of me as well.

      I don’t think our society (at least here in the US) makes it easy for people to admit they’re quite ill or take the time they need to recover, so there’s so much pressure to minimize how we feel and rush back to the place-we-don’t-mention or get back to being “productive”.

    36. The Person from the Resume*

      I caught it a month and half ago. I probably wasn’t as sick as you because I didn’t stay in bed although part of that was laying down made my congestion and throat worse so I sat up and tried to sleep sitting up too.

      But I was sick for 11 days. Really sick for 5 days, and missed 5 days of work.

      COVID is no joke. The person I likely caught it from was well enough (only a bit unwell) that they didn’t test until I told them I tested positive. Another person I was with at the same time said she just had a head cold; I told her that she very likely had COVID.

      Lots of people fully vaxxed and boosted such as myself got similarly sick. My friend said she laid on her couch for about a week and missed work.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        Also I had fever of 101 one day; I don’t remember when is the last time I had a fever.

        I had the worst sore throat I’ve ever had, thankfully it was that terrible just one day.

        I also had a full body, doubling/over cough for several days. Also probably the worst cough I’ve ever had. Even when I feeling better in every other way, the cough would just double me over and prevent a good night’s sleep.

    37. MEH Squared*

      I know three people who got COVID after being vaxxed. My brother, double-vaxxed, got it last summer. He was laid out for three or so days, along with losing his sense of smell/taste. He was back to normal after three or four days, except his sense of smell/taste. That was gone for two weeks. One of my best friends got it at a conference in Finland. He said it was like a really bad cold for a few days and that was it. He was quadruple-vaxxed, I believe. At least triple.)

      My other best friend, her husband, and their teenage child got it while flying to Hawaii for a vacation. Their child recovered in a few days, but she and her husband were LAID OUT for at least two weeks. Even when they were finally able to fly back to Philly, she was exhausted and miserable. I think it took a month for it to clear up. They were triple-vaxxed. So, yeah. You’re not alone in this!

    38. Daisy*

      I was triple vaxxed and caught covid two weeks ago. The first two days I was sicker than I ever remember being as an adult – barely could get out of bed, with fever, sweats, and chills. Slowly been getting better, now it is mostly stuffy sinuses and slightly tired.

    39. Yaz*

      I think it just depends. I was bed ridden and hacking up my lungs for two weeks, but somehow missed the brain fog. My partner was sniffly and short of breath for a week with pretty intense brain fog.

      Hope you feel better soon!

    40. Sundae funday*

      I was fully vaccinated and boosted, and omicron steam rolled me. I just kept thinking how much worse it would’ve been if I hadn’t had the shots!

      I do know some relatives of friends who refused vaccination and ended up in the hospital. Some recovered, some didn’t.

    41. CB29*

      You’re not the only one. I’m young and otherwise healthy, with no pre-existing risk factors. I had “mild” COVID in January 2021, before vaccines were available to me. (I later got fully vaccinated and boosted as soon as I could.) Since my “mild” COVID, I’ve had intermittent heart/chest pain every few days, and some instances of irregular heartbeat.

      (Nothing else about my lifestyle has changed in a way that would cause this. If anything, I eat healthier food and get more sleep than before the pandemic.)

    42. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I got Covid four weeks ago despite being double vaccinated and double boosted. It was like a horrible case of bronchitis on top of a horrible case of the flu. All I wanted to do the first two weeks was sleep. Now I am back to work but I still get super exhausted after the least bit of physical exertion, and I still have a very deep cough. I wasn’t hospitalized or on oxygen, but I am 65 and a diabetic so I am sure those were contributing factors. I was prescribed Paxlovid the first day I showed symptoms and the side effects were awful.

    43. AnonInCanada*

      You’re not the only one, trust me. I’m triple vaxxed and I’m still feeling mild symptoms from it even though it’s been more than a month since my last negative test. I still feel rundown at times and have a mild shortness of breath. I hope this will go away soon.

    44. Gatomon*

      I had it once pre-vaccines and once before all could get boosters (so about six months out from being fully vaccinated). Both times laid me out. The first time I had more coughing/chest pain/fever/loss of smell and taste and was classically ill. The second time I mostly had shortness of breath and some fatigue, but it just did not let up. A simple trip up and down the stairs was difficult for months.

      I’m feeling more myself now, but it’s been almost a full year. I’m in my early 30s and otherwise have always been super resistant to colds and flus. I get one maybe every other year normally and a bad one every decade. I don’t know what it is about covid, but it’s got my number for sure.

    45. Rage*

      I had it in July and it was certainly not “nothing”. Vaccinated + 1 booster. It hit me pretty hard and fast (exposed on Wednesday, symptoms by Friday, positive test Saturday morning). I went and got the Paxlovid too and boy did that make a difference! I think I would have been down a lot longer without it. As it was, I only worked a few hours a day (from home) until the next Friday, so about a week for me.

      I’m mostly recovered now, but the lingering brain fog is VERY annoying and is not improving, so I’m reluctantly accepting that I may have “long-COVID”. I’m having difficulty mostly with language, but also concentration. Finding it hard to “word”. Also, I have some recent shortness of breath – fortunately, I still have an Albuterol inhaler from when I had bronchitis in February, so I’ve been using that, and it helps a bit. But [TMI WARNING] I read on the CDC’s site that another symptom is interruption with menstrual cycles and, yeah, I’m definitely off schedule. 2 weeks late as of yesterday (and, no, I’m not pregnant; I have a restraining order against the Angel Gabriel).

      I’ve known people with virtually no symptoms at all and others with very severe symptoms. I’d say mine was low-middle, about as bad as the bronchitis I had. Unfortunately for me, it doesn’t look like I’ll have the complete recovery like I did with the bronchitis.

      Best thing to do is to NOT push yourself. Give your body the rest and time it needs to recover.

      1. Covid got me good*

        Covid caused me to have spotting, on two different days, and my period was not due for over a week. My periods have always been like clockwork. I have no doubt it was Covid that caused the spotting.

  11. Bluebell*

    Slate had a fun article where their writers commented on their regrets for this summer. Anyone want to comment about summer regrets? I know there’s one more week of summer, so maybe people will be inspired to check off one last thing. I regret that I didn’t make it to a municipal swimming pool, though I did spend a good amount of time at my town beach.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I wanted to hike a lot and barely went at all. I did the trail by my house regularly, but it got very boring and is more of a “stroll a mile in the woods” thing that I did just to feel like I was exercising – no cool destinations, new trails, or interesting challenges like I’d planned. On the bright side, this was mainly because I had a really busy summer full of other things like moving, getting a job, and going on fun family outings! Plus I live in an area that will probably have nice weather for another month or two if I can find time to get out soon.

    2. Yeah summer!*

      I missed the fair. My husband had covid during county fair. And state fair is too far away. And furthermore my ultimate goal of entering the sweep the competition event at the fair. There are 20 separate competitions for things like that or flowers, baking, preserves, art etc. I want to spend a year getting all my entries together (ideally getting my kids to do it too). I don’t really care about winning but I do want to enter.

      1. Cendol*

        I also wish we had been able to attend more fairs/rodeos! We missed The Gay Rodeo when it was in town. Maybe next year…

      2. Bluebell*

        We didn’t make it to the town that is 1.5 hours away for their fair that happened during our vacation. But there’s a nice fair over Labor Day we might go to.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I didn’t go to the pub enough! I’m within walking distance of several that have nice beer gardens, but with the heat we’ve been having over the last few weeks, I just decided to lie on the couch and read instead.

      1. Bluebell*

        I spent more time indoors than I wanted this summer, but the weather cooled off when I was on vacation, so DH and I made it to 3 breweries with beer gardens!

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m having the best summer I can remember in years (perfect holidays, lots of time with loved ones, and a newly spruced up garden to enjoy the sun in).

      I’m also having concerns about weird and uncomfortable health symptoms that popped out of nowhere, that doctors want to investigate. It’s taking months to just scratch the surface, and even though it’s likely to be nothing sinister, it scares me that nothing I’ve tried so far has been enough to make it go away.

      I wish I could shut it all out and focus on making this great summer even better, like (so say the more rational people in my family) a functional adult should be able to do. The rare feeling of total relax I had on holiday, before any symptoms appeared, is something I was hoping to be able to hang on to. But my anxious little brain is just not having it.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m having the best summer I can remember in years (perfect holidays, lots of time with loved ones, and a newly spruced up garden to enjoy the sun in).

      I’m also having concerns about weird and uncomfortable health symptoms that popped out of nowhere, that doctors want to investigate. It’s taking months to just scratch the surface, and even though it’s likely to be nothing sinister, it scares me that nothing I’ve tried so far has been enough to make it go away.

      I wish I could shut it all out and focus on making this great summer even better, like (so say the more rational people in my family) a functional adult should be able to do. The rare feeling of total relax I had on holiday, before any symptoms appeared, is something I was hoping to be able to hang on to. But my anxious little brain is just not having it.

    6. Square Root of Minus One*

      Honestly I’m just writing this one off.
      I took my longest PTO in years but we ‘ve been moving, deep-cleaning, repairing, settling in a new place. I have a whole four days left, we’re not done, I’m just drained. Things’ll get better later, but it barely felt like time off at all.

      2. Camelid coordinator*

        I switched jobs and moved house this summer, also. What little breaks I managed to give myself don’t feel like they were quite enough.

    7. Too identifiable for my usual name*

      I’m sleeping terribly, I’ve gone from regular periods every 25 days to no period in well over 100 days which is low-key freaking me out (I’ve been to the doctors and they kind of shrugged and said perimenopause), the heat has cancelled a good few of my plans so we’ve ended up sitting inside instead of going out, one of my siblings got covid so missed our family meetup, the cost of living is skyrocketing, work is stressful, and I’m just sick of being single.

      And yet, there’s only 2 things are really bugging me – one, we haven’t been to a local science museum my kid loves, and two, there’s a free outdoor cinema over the summer and we’ve only been once.

      Hey ho. I’ve had lots of time with my kid and he’s really enjoyed the summer, so could be much worse.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I don’t know if this will help, but I found that perimenopause made me a worse sleeper also. I’ve started aggressively using the air conditioner so that my room is cooler and also wearing ear plugs to drown out the extra noise of the air conditioner, and I’m noticing that my sleep is getting better!

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        Solidarity. I assuming that perimenopause is the cause of my terrible sleep that started a year or two ago. Waking up many times a night and having trouble falling back to sleep especially after 4 or 5 am

      3. Wombats and Tequila*

        Another menopausal citizen chiming in. Yeah my insomnia turned into a superpower. Besides the usual sleep hygiene advice, the single most helpful thing is using a sleep mask. I am much more likely not to wake up after 2 hours and lie there for the rest of the night like a crackhead cosplaying like a mummy. The second most useful thing I do is change to sleepwear and brush my teeth at least an hour before I’m likely to be sleepy, so that when the magic moment arrives, I can go straight to bed instead of doing a bunch of activities involving clothes and sharp minty flavors that will wake me up again.

      4. JSPA*

        I now use waffle-weave toweling yardage in place of a top sheet / cover. Used to use another as a bottom sheet cover, when the night sweats were at their peak. Sleeping in a mest hammock might also work? Only thought of that now.

        Getting enough niacin, and/or 6 hour low-dose melatonin (plus, oddly, long-acting tylenol) also helped.

      5. Camelid coordinator*

        I am with you!! Every month I wonder if this is time I won’t have a 28 day cycle but now that the time is here (day 80 and counting) I am a bit weirded out. But the sleep thing is terrible. I have traditionally been a champion sleeper and need a lot of sleep. Nowadays I am in bed around 10 hours just to cobble together enough sleep after all the interruptions.

      6. Rage*

        Too identifiable: did you have COVID recently? Or were exposed but had no symptoms? The CDC says that one of the symptoms of “long-COVID” is interruptions to your regular cycle. Mine were coming every 2 weeks on the nose (annoying but not surprising) and I haven’t had one since COVID over a month ago.

    8. Bobina*

      Ugggh. One of my favourite food places did a summer pop-up where the menu was all BBQ things. All summer I kept telling myself I’d go, and I kept putting it off. Finally decided I’d do it tomorrow but turns out there’s an event happening so I’d have to pay just to get in and there’d be loud music which….is not what I wanted from the experience. So now I probably wont make it and will miss out on the delicious food. Regret.

    9. StellaBella*

      I wanted to camp more. did it 3 x. Was ill a bunch, then travel for that place in the week, then cracked my wrist with hairline fracture so yeah… not much camping. maybe in autumn

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      My mom passed away last fall. This May, we went to visit the place my mom lived before the pandemic, where I have a lot of positive memories of her, and I did a lot of walking. My ankles hurt, but I figured I was pushing myself in a way that would mean 1-3 days taking it really easy when we got home.

      Right ankle did that. Left ankle lingered, and lingered, and lingered. Saw my PT for a long-planned check-up and she noticed the ankle brace and checked me out, and said I’d hurt a ligament in the arch. Which would slowly heal on its own, but slooooowly. This month I’m at the point where it doesn’t hurt in the morning, and I’m walking the dogs again short distances, but it’s not gone. And I’m realizing a) that quietly staying home and not stressing my foot has been my summer b) that not walking much for months means going up hills on a medium walk really wallops me.

      (We do have a Christmas trip planned, so I don’t feel cheated out of any planned trips. But man, I did not think I was setting myself up for months of limited mobility.)

      1. Tundra dog*

        Lots of sympathy for foot issues here! That can really ruin a summer. I developed plantar fasciitis in one foot in the late winter/early spring. For those unfamiliar, it causes excruciating pain in the heel of the foot, especially when initially getting up after sitting or laying down. I also had a weird, unrelated injury on my OTHER foot. For the first half of summer, I was just hobbling around all the time.

        I finally started PT in early summer, and it is getting better, but I feel like I missed out on a LOT of hiking early on before things got too hot. Now that I can hike mostly comfortably again, it is 90-100 degrees and way too hot to hike, especially with the dog. We did finally get out a bit earlier this month and yeah…going up hills after a whole summer of not much activity was tough!

        I’m accepting that there isn’t much summer left and I’m going to try to enjoy fall outdoor activities as much as I can, and maybe next spring/summer will be better.

        1. JSPA*

          I’m well into my second 6 months of PF. Still flares with any uphill walking. But biking turns out mostly OK (not standing on the pedals or grinding, though!). So too, swimming. Doing more of those. I miss the long walks, but the nature swimming and biking has made up for the need to get out in nature (mostly). And I’ve got all the flat routes figured out. Stairs also turn out to be OK, taken with care.

    11. WellRed*

      I didn’t get into the ocean yet and probably won’t know. I also don’t know why I don’t start my day out on the porch with coffee while the weather allows. At the same time, I am OVER the humidity and lack of rain.

      1. Bluebell*

        Yes, I won’t miss the weather! It finally rained this week but now it’s annoyingly humid. Maybe you can get to the ocean in Sept while the water is still warm?

    12. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      Summer reading challenge at the library. My toddler and I completed the “challenge,” I just never got us back over to the library to pick up any of the prizes (mostly due to some health stuff of my own) before it ended. Of course spending time reading together is the main point, and we did that, but I wish we had completed it all the way.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Maybe you could give yourselves your own prizes for completing the challenge when you’re feeling up to it? Like you and toddler go to a bookstore and each pick out a prize book for yourselves?

    13. fposte*

      I only found out the last week it existed that my local pool lets people in to walk with or against the lazy river, and it’s really fun. So I was able to do it all of once. Marked down for next year.

    14. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have not spent much time on my patio/cooking on my grill! But, the weather is nice this weekend so I’m going to get out there.

      1. Bluebell*

        We finally bought a gas grill this July. Before that we only had a charcoal grill and hardly ever used it. Even though we don’t eat chicken or beef, we’ve used it for fish, paneer, lots of corn, and other veggies too.

    15. Pieismyreligion*

      I’ve not gotten out in the kayak since late spring when I thought I’d be going out weekly or bi-weekly. I joined a meet-up group but never made the outings due to work or family schedule, and sometimes just some plain couldn’t-get-myself-to-go reason.

    16. Filosofickle*

      I was hoping to start dating this summer, while it’s still easy to do lots of outdoor dining and activities. (I’m not sure how else to balance socializing + covid precautions.) But I moved and in the process experienced a re-injury and emotional setbacks. So while it’s been an important summer of self care and setting up a house, it’s also felt like a real loss socially. I also really haven’t explored my new area hardly at all, and that’s a bummer.

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have not replaced my roof. Drought would have been a perfect time, but I honestly had sticker shock at cost increases. And now I’m feeling sheepish about calling the contractor back to find out if he can even fit me in this season, let alone what the price increase will be after a couple more months of inflation.
      I also have not been to the beach once.

    18. Rara Avis*

      My summer was effectively over two weeks ago because schools start early in August here. I regret getting Covid and missing half my vacation.

    19. Overeducated*

      We bailed out on our first family camping trip because we decided to be cheap and go reserve the tent site instead of the yurt, but it was thunderstorming and we reaaaaally didn’t want to set up and sleep in a tent with small kids for the first time in that weather. I regret not reserving the yurt. (We have another tent site reserved at a park closer to home next weekend so we can still squeeze it in, as well as visit the little sandy lake beach nearby, on the very last weekend of summer. Fingers crossed for clear weather!)

    20. Macaroni Penguin*

      I regret that I didn’t take my family to a college level baseball game. Well, technically we did on Father’s Day but it was standing room only. We had tickets to the family berm (bad plan) but couldn’t find any place to sit. We just went home. Then for the second game later in the season, Husband was stricken with COVID. The baby was sick too, presumably with the same ailment. Obviously we didn’t attend that game. We tried but….. regret!

    21. Lore*

      This thread inspired me to go out to the Rockaways yesterday and jump in the ocean. (I did go once earlier in the summer but it was a little chilly and I didn’t really swim). Every time I go, I think it’s ridiculous I don’t go more often—under an hour door to door when the subway is behaving. I left home around 2:30, had a swim, a nice walk on the beach, read my book in the sun, then changed into dry clothes and headed home. Even with waiting 15 minutes for a return train, I was home by 6. And I’m heading to my other regular summer destination next weekend—my partner’s family cabin on a lake. Better late than never. (He’s been without me a few times this summer.)

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        I had been regretting not going to any minor league baseball this summer, and this thread made me say that out loud. So now I am going next week! I am glad you got to go to the rockaways.

  12. Dark Macadamia*

    What can I do to make my hair look nicer in the morning when I shower at night? I’m lazy so a complicated routine or more involved hairstyle isn’t going to work, lol.

    I have fine, thinning hair that frizzes badly in humidity and tends to look greasy very quickly. I used to shower in the morning but that won’t work with my schedule anymore so now I wash at night and let it air dry before bed. I feel like the next morning it already looks unwashed but I don’t want to just wear a ponytail forever! I’ve tried a couple types of dry shampoo (powder and aerosol) and it does nothing for the appearance but adds a gross texture :( Please tell me there’s some inexpensive miracle product that will help me look less disheveled with minimal effort!

    1. Yeah summer!*

      Head and shoulders has an oil reducing shampoo. My hair is similar to your description and I can get 48 hours between washes.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Get a lightweight leave-in conditioner, finishing oil, etc. In the morning, dampen your hair by wetting your hands and spreading some water on your hair (be sure to get the underside too), or use a spray bottle. You want it damp, not dripping wet.

      Work a small amount of your product into your hair, trying not maintain your styling from the night before and not separate your curls into frizzes. Gently squeeze and shape the curls into the style you like. Let that air dry, hopefully without mussing it up too much while dressing or walking outside in the wind. My hair is longish so I loosely tie several hair ties around it to keep it from poofing. When you get to your destination, remove the hair ties and gently reshape your hair.

      I also don’t shampoo every day. My frizzy hair likes to get wet and conditioned, but not shampooed.

    3. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Your hair type sounds very similar to mine. What has worked for me is my hairdresser’s recommendation to wash less (every 2-3 days instead of daily). That stops it drying out and lets my scalp maintain a normal, healthy oil level.

      The other thing was switching to high end nourishing Kerastase shampoo and conditioner. It is expensive (sorry!) but after a few weeks my hair started sitting well enough natural and air dried that I didn’t need to use product or style it anymore. When I add up the cost of all the additional products plus daily washing, it’s actually not that expensive on balance to get the good shampoo/conditioner and use it less. And when I do decide to style my hair these days it holds the style much longer even without hairspray.

    4. Princess Deviant*

      The only thing that’s worked for me is shampoo soap bars! I first tried them a year ago. I was desperate due to menopause making my hair and skin really terrible and greasy. It took about 1 week of using them for my hair to stop looking greasy (my hair sounds a lot like yours – needed washing daily, fine), and now I wash my hair with the bar every 3 days or so. And it’s in good condition if I wash it the night before and leave it to dry, rather than in the morning. Honestly, for me shampoo bars were the miracle product I’d been looking for. Can’t believe I didn’t try them before now!

      1. I take tea*

        I have had really good experience with shampoo bars as well. As Princess says, It might take a while for the hair to get used to it, but well worth it. I wash my hair less often, because it just doesn’t get greasy in a hot minute. Less waste as well, which is a plus.

        Another thing that helps is henna, but it’s not for eveybody.

    5. Atomic Tangerine*

      I’m not really qualified to answer because I literally wear my hair in a bun 99% of the time but this is the internet so I’m weighing in anyway. I dab on some regular conditioner to control the frizzies, and use lots of bobby pins. Add more bobby pins as day goes on, esp if it’s rainy/humid/windy/had to wear an N95 (if all four conditions are met I can probably set off sn airport metal detector by 6pm).

    6. Lasslisa*

      If your complaint is the greasy look (as opposed to the frizz), I might suggest a volumizing shampoo and either a matched conditioner or skip the conditioner altogether (save it for some product/mousse the morning of).

      Volumizing shampoo I’ve liked: Nexxus Diametress really worked to add volume in a way I had not seen in lots of trying, even with the conditioner.
      Now I mostly use Lush shampoo bars (seanik or the lemon rosemary ones).

    7. DistantAudacity*

      I find it helps a lot to put in dry shampoo in the evening!

      I picked up the trick from a Sali Hughes column in the Guardian :) It helps stop the greasiness set in, and also if the powder is the wrong colour all that is sorted by morning.

      Find a kind that suits your hair in terms of weight/volume – they are different! I like lightweight ones for my hair the Kloriane ones, and Living Proof’s Perfect Hair Day Advanced Clean Dry Shampoo (whew!) is top notch for “clean” and not leaving residue.

      1. Pippa K*

        To add another dry shampoo recommendation, I like Aveda’s. Like Dark Macadamia, I’ve found them all to add unpleasant texture, especially the spray ones, but Aveda’s powder formula, which just puffs out when you squeeze it so has no propellant, works better than any others for me.

      2. ronda*

        the 1 time a hair dresser used dry shampoo on me she said you use it right after you dry your hair after washing, not the next day. It looked nice the next day, but I never tried it myself…. so the blow-dry may have been part of it.

      3. Filosofickle*

        The non-aerosol klorane powder is the one that works with my oily/fine hair and doesn’t feel product-y — but YES put it on the roots before going to bed. It stops the oil from even spreading. If you wait until the oil is there, it takes more product and hair is more lank. I do prefer how my scalp feels without any dry shampoos but they are the only thing that keep me from having to wash every day and my hair is happier now that I don’t.

        A reason stylists put it on immediately after styling is to create volume — that extra “grit” keeps the hairs apart and adds fullness.

      4. Dark Macadamia*

        I tried doing dry shampoo last night instead of in the morning and it made a noticeable difference! Yay!

    8. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I have similar hair. Putting gel on it after it dries, then shaping it with my fingers, and letting the gel dry thoroughly, works for me. Even after sleeping on it, it doesn’t get that greasy matted bed hair look. At most, just re-tweak in the morning with damp fingers. If you don’t want a heavy gel, aloe vera Fruit of the Earth works almost as well, and is a non-greasy conditioner. I’m also careful to not have my face moisturizer too close to the hairline – blot any excess off in those areas. That can really grease up your hair.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      If I don’t make sure to rinse with cool/cold water my hair punishes me for that, especially in heat or excessively cold weather.

      I have a hair brush that I keep in the bathroom. (I don’t use it anywhere else.) I spray it with frizz control, brush, and that usually solves things.

      My hair is fine and thinning. When I stopped using shampoo, I stopped dealing with so much moody hair. I now use an organic body wash that I have on my hair also.

      Not a real popular answer but what we eat and drink shows in our hair and nails. This time of year and in the dead of winter lack of water will show in the hair. Unfairly, we have to get in minerals from somewhere. If you add raw veggies to your meals you might see changes that way also. You can also try drinks with electrolytes if you can find something with no sugar.

      I refuse to buy a ton of useless products and I refuse to spend hours doing my hair. This kind of left me with this option of looking at what I was eating and drinking during the day.

    10. A313*

      If you haven’t tried a silk or satin pillowcase, it might help your hair be less frizzy and need less managing the next day. I was surprised this actually works for me.

      1. Ey-not-Cy*

        Yes, to this, I’ve been amazed at how much of a difference a silk pillowcase can make on second day hair.

    11. WellRed*

      “It’s a miracle” leave in spray. You can spray it on your hair after shower and comb through but I also sometimes spray it on hands and run through dry hair if it’s looking frizzy. I don’t think letting your hair dry naturally is helping but you would know what works best for you.

    12. fposte*

      I”m a shower-at-night/air-dry person and sometimes have some similar problems, though the nature of it will vary from season to season. This summer I’m having good luck with using a fairly light conditioner (a Finesse, I forget which one) in the shower and then a leave-in conditioner (Aveda Smooth Infusion) afterwards. I don’t know how your air-drying goes, but I get better results if I brush my wet hair in a more extreme version of my normal style (so more flopping to one side), then do it back the other way, and go back and forth a few times over the next 30 minutes or so while I read or whatever.

    13. BellyButton*

      Have you tried a silk pillow case? it has cut down on my frizz so much. In the mornings I use a de-friss serum on the ends and work up, not getting it into the roots.

      1. JSPA*

        Or loose silk or satin night cap / bonnet, come winter, when “cold room plus warm headcovering” is welcome.

    14. Overeducated*

      You probably are not interested in this method, but my hair is similar and I just keep returning to the pixie cut. It’s the only way my hair looks neat and intentional in the morning without extensive styling.

    15. Girasol*

      I shower and condition at night, air dry, and then after brushing my teeth in the morning, stuff my bed head under the sink faucet just enough to get it wet, towel it off, brush, and let it air dry. That takes some time but not much.

    16. The teapots are on fire*

      I put it in a loose pony-tail bun on top of my head with a scrunchy while still wet and then just run my fingers through it in the morning. And I pretend that means I styled it.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, if your hair lies too flat and you don’t want to raise the roots with blowdrying, then a good old pineapple bun is your friend. I always tip my head upside down to get the most root lift.

    17. Salymander*

      I have rather thick wavy hair that tends to frizz, so I don’t know if my trick will work.

      I wash my hair, brush it carefully so I don’t do too much damage, and twist it into a bun, which is how I wear it to bed. In the morning, I take it down after I am dressed and otherwise ready to go. It will be smooth, not frizzy, and will have just a bit of wave and lots of body. If I put a little product on my fingers and comb them through my hair, it works well. Even better, I work the product in and put it back up until I leave and it stays smooth and nice. I never use a dryer or other styling tools.

      1. acmx*

        I fine, slightly curly hair. I put my hair in a “pineapple” ponytail (on top of my hard, band looped once) and then I wear a gaiter (Buff type) over my hair. You could also wrap it in a silky scarf. I tried a satin pillowcase years ago and I didn’t like how my head slipped in my sleep (or something).

      2. VegetarianRaccoon*

        I think there’s a lot of good suggestions here, but if nothing else pans out for you, here’s one more: try braiding your hair at night after it air dries most of the way, and sleep with braids in. then take them out and do a very brief brush in the morning. should help cut down on greasiness and it’s supposed to be one of the most protective ways to put your hair for sleep, better than leaving it down and much better than a ponytail, in terms of breakage and tangling.

  13. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    My plot bunnies live!!

    Added about two pages to this fic bit that I haven’t touched in ages. (Depression is a meanie face.) And it’s just fan girl me having fun in the sandbox. Omg so freeing.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Last night I cleaned up the kitchen and got enough sleep. Today I paid several bills, vacuumed the kitchen and bathroom floors, exchanged several email messages with friends, had a walk and talk with other friends, and remembered that life can be more than a long slog through gloom. Now it’s time to get enough sleep for a second consecutive night.
      (Depression is not just a meanie face, it’s a devil-on-the-shoulder liar that tells me there’s no need to do housework or chores.)

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      The people that came on the Meetup hike I led were really nice and good company. I was touched that I received many kind comments afterward, both in person and posted on our Meetup page.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve wanted to watch a Premier League football match live for ages, and today I finally get to go. Buying tickets in the UK is ridiculously and unnecessarily complicated, and it took over 10 years of living here to bite the bullet and jump all the hoops. But now we live within a short bus ride of a stadium, my partner and I figured, why the hell not. This should be fun, can’t wait!

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          It’s Brentford vs. Everton today. Hopefully the first of many, I hope to get to see one of the big teams at some point this year (though I know it won’t be easy).

          1. UKDancer*

            Yay go Brentford!! (hope you’re not an Everton supporter). I’m not interested in football much but my love of seeing the underdog triumph meant I took great joy in seeing them thrash United the other week.

            1. Cookies For Breakfast*

              Yes! Now that’s a game I wish I’d seen. I’m holding some hope we may be able to get tickets for the Chelsea or Liverpool games later this year, and even if they’re not the most obvious opportunities for a win, the atmosphere at the stadium is so different from our own country and worth being there for.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My puppy turned six months old and both dogs got celebratory puppy peanut butter ice cream, with green beans on top for my veggie-loving older dog and mixed berries for the fruit-loving baby. They were both so excited, it was adorable.

    6. allathian*

      Our son’s enjoying his new school, and I’m so glad for his sake.

      This morning, our son grabbed the vacuum and cleaned his room without being asked or told to do so. He’s 13, so I’m really glad that he has some standards. To be completely fair to him, his room is much tidier than, say, my home office…

      I had the pap smear screening they offer every 5 years, and it came back clear, yay!

    7. The Other Dawn*

      This morning I happened to look out the side door and saw deer. Mom and her two fawns stopped by for a drink from the stream. I was able to get a few pictures before they took off.

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      Best Good Dog has had good energy lately and has been making lots of new canine and small human friends on our daily walks. He even got invited to a play date at our neighbor’s fenced yard and had a fabulous time running with “the pack”. (He’s a husky, so that’s totally his jam) It was nice to see him having so much fun! It’s been a while since he’s had this much energy, so I’m happy he’s feeling well.

    10. fposte*

      I went out of town, saw a friend, and saw an actual band (in a stand-in-a-bar way I’ve never really done in my life, so I felt belatedly with it). One great thing about retirement is that I’ve been able to keep in better touch with farther-away friends, and she’s a peach.

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I turned the big 50! Had a very nice dinner at a French bistro, and got a complimentary cocktail and dessert (with candle). They were so nice! I took the whole week off and had a spa day. Also, my second mammogram and ultrasound looked okay (apparently I have some asymmetry), which was a relief (although I have to go back in 6 months for additional imaging).

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I actually read an entire book in one sitting last week. Haven’t done that in a long time. :)

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The hummingbirds have been visiting me when I sit on the front porch. I’ve never seen them so close for so long as I have over the last two weeks. I just bought a hummingbird feeder even though it’s late in the summer –finally found one designed to go through the dishwasher!
      After a salamander experience we are looking at getting a small reptile or amphibian to live in our former fish tank.

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Got whimsical — I stopped off at Roosevelt Island and then took a spur-of-the-moment ride on the East River Ferry as a leg of my Manhattan-to-Queens trip home from the doctor instead of doing the whole thing on the subway. I gotta do that more often — it was great!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Fun! I didn’t get to walk there often enough when I was in NYC every weekday.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I know, right? I’ve been meaning to get off the subway and enjoy Roosevelt Island for ages, but it took all summer for me to make myself do it.

    16. Rara Avis*

      Glass blowing class today! We’re all (me, spouse, kid) are going to make pumpkins. It has been on my list for about 5 years and I’m so excited to finally do it!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        This is on my list too! (glass blowing in general but specifically a pumpkin class haha) I hope it’s great

        1. Rara Avis*

          It was great. Can’t wait to see (and touch) the finished product! (Currently cooling down in the annealing oven for pick-up next week.)

    17. Irish Teacher*

      My nephew seems happy with his first days of school. Not that I was worried; he’s a pretty sociable and confident kid. He’s being educated through Irish, so he’s getting immersed in a second language.

    18. WellRed*

      Randomly stopped into my library branch today and scored the new Elizabeth George and the new Grisham.

    19. OyHiOh*

      I saw my art piece at the state fair today! Didn’t win any ribbons but it was awesome to see with all the other work.

      And also, on my way out the door to go to the fair, I got notification that one of my poems won the adult/open class! Small cash prize, and I read at an event next week.

    20. StellaBella*

      I started a fund raiser for a disabled friend and 15 friends so far have donated for her. And I picked another handful of berries off my raspberry plant.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Saw a spectacular sunset last night – lots of clouds in the sky, the heavy rain-soaked kind, though it wasn’t actually raining, and with gaps between where the sky showed through. Mostly dark-grey/cobalt clouds, but on the western horizon the sun was turning them to bright coppery gold, one of the more intense displays I’ve seen in some time.

  14. Chaordic One*

    I’m a big fan of the many British (and a few Australian) TV series that are shown on PBS, but I’ve never come across any Irish series and that has made me curious. Surely there must be some. Are there any that you are aware of that you might recommend? Maybe something that would be available on Netflix or Peacock or something like that?

        1. UKDancer*

          Definitely Father Ted. It’s the funniest thing to have come out of Ireland in my opinion.

          My family still quotes some of the best bits and we love Mrs Doyle, she’s brilliant.

      1. Emma2*

        Derry Girls is so good – I have not finished watching the last season, but re-watched some of the first season and even on a second watching it made me laugh out loud.

    3. Weegie*

      If you like crime, Dublin Murders was really good. Not on Netflix, I don’t think, but viewable various places.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      There are a lot of Irish TV series, but…our TV companies have nothing like the budgets of British and Australian companies so something often has to be picked up by somebody like the BBC before it goes international.

      Some of our TV series include Fair City, which is a soap opera, Normal People, Smother…seriously, find Smother if you can. The first series. It’s a murder mystery across a series. Love/Hate and The Young Offenders are both really popular. Mrs. Brown’s Boys is also popular.

      I haven’t watched most of them ’cause I don’t watch much TV, but those are popular ones.

    5. BellyButton*

      There is a great Australian series on Netflix called Offspring. I loved every second of it and all the characters.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I loved “The Irish R.M.”, which aired in the early ’80s; looks like it’s available on Prime and on Acorn TV (I’m not familiar with that one). The books that the series was based on are also fun.

    8. Lady Alys*

      “Striking Out” was pretty interesting (legal drama) but the first season ended with a cliffhanger and there is no sign that it’ll ever be renewed so don’t start watching if you can’t stand not knowing what happens…

    9. Beverly Crusher*

      Father Ted and Derry Girls. Also Bad Sisters on Apple TV+ is supposed to be funny but it’s brand new and I haven’t seen it yet. But it’s got a great cast and premise.

    11. Isobel*

      In addition to Derry Girls and Father Ted, some fairly recent Irish/ Northern Irish series shown on British TV were Red Rock, Smother, Single-handed, Dublin Murders, Bloodlines and Hope Street. All in the crime/thriller genre for some reason – I guess it’s popular and doesn’t need the huge budgets of period drama for example. Although there was also Quirke – still murders, just set in the 1950s.
      Not sure how many of those are available for streaming but I expect a few would be.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        I suspect the budget is at least part of the reason. RTÉ does not have the budget of companies like the BBC. But it doesn’t fully explain why so many of our most successful series are gangland/thriller stuff.

        Smother is excellent, well, the first series is. The second is kinda milking it a bit and has no murder to solve, just various odd things happening.

  15. Anonymous elder crush*

    Hello commentariat. Much to my great surprise, having been single and happy about that for many years, I’ve recently developed a crush on someone I’ve known as a friend for about a year. We’ve been getting together more frequently and we enjoy each other’s company. We give each other big hugs when we meet and when we say goodbye. While I don’t know for sure, I think there’s a good chance he is starting to feel the same way.

    The tricky part for me is our age difference. Our ages came up in conversation when we last got together. I knew he was older than me, but I thought it was a few years. I’m in my mid-sixties and he’s in his late seventies. While he’s healthy and independent, I can’t help thinking that should we move forward as a couple in our later years, there’s a possibility of becoming a caregiver or generally providing more support for someone in their eighties when I’m still in my sixties.

    I recognize that being younger doesn’t guarantee anything about one’s health and independence, but there is certainly a higher probability of issues arising when one is in their eighties. That’s not something I’m ready for and contemplating it is giving me pause. I’m sure I’d be viewing it differently than I would if we’d gotten together 20 years ago and this was a long-term committed relationship.

    This is just a crush, not head over heels in love, and I know I’ve got a good friend no matter how we proceed from here. I’m not even sure how he feels about all this himself, since my crush is a new development and I haven’t brought it up because I’m not sure myself where I want to go with this.

    I’ve never had age be a factor in considering pursuing a relationship with someone, so this is new for me. Maybe this is a common life stage thing that comes with life unfolding as an older single person. It’s all new emotional territory and puzzling.

    2. Janet Pinkerton*

      Perhaps you could develop a more casual but romantic relationship? Mid-sixties is young for this, but to me this seems like an ideal time for a gentleman caller/lady friend situation. By this I mean that no one is looking for a life partner, but you date and spend time together. Separate homes, separate responsibilities, but still dating. (My grandpa had a lady friend after he was widowed. It seemed very nice.) If he has other family who can assist in his elder care, this has a greater probability of success as a relationship model.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          After my gran outlived three husbands, she stopped marrying her beaux and just went for FWBs :)

          1. Hotdog not dog*

            Mine too, although it was only the one husband. My father was scandalized that his mother had “just for fun” (her term) boyfriends, but she didn’t want any complications with caretaking or adult children’s interference. She was happy, her gentleman friends were happy, and since she was active and very sharp all the way up to age 99, we were happy to see her enjoying life!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              After one dude answered Gran’s phone when I called her and said she was out with other dude and could he take a message, I called my mom (Gran was my dad’s mother) and was like “Definitely not judging, just asking – Does Gran have a harem now or something?” Mom goes “She’s almost 80, let her enjoy it!” I said “Oh, for sure, I’m just entertained she’s got more social life than I do!”

      2. Asenath*

        One of my relatives had a “lady friend” for a very long time! I was quite young when she was first mentioned and asked what the difference was between a friend and a lady friend, besides the fact she was a lady, and my mother, a bit flustered, said something like “well, she’s a very special friend who just happens to be a lady; she and Uncle have known each other a long time.”

      3. Anonymous elder crush*

        Your comment about family for potential future care is a good point. He has two adult children nearby that he’s close with.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      If you can see yourself committing to taking care of him, then go for it?

      Personally, I wouldn’t get intimately involved. *For Me*, notice I am saying for me, I don’t want the additionally complexity. Keep it simple, keep it enjoyable.

      One poster commented on a relative who buried three husbands. This would be my nightmare. I just don’t have it in me to keep going through that.

      I do have a male friend who is very close to my age. After 12 years of friendship, we are starting to have discussions about how in some ways friendship is better than a relationship between SOs. To my amazement he even advised his own friend to keep a good friend as a friend only, not to get intimate. He said, “You end up with so much more if you keep it on the friendship level.”

      And there is a risk of losing a friendship, too, if the SO relationship tanks. Maybe one way of thinking about this is to ask yourself- “if I lost this friendship entirely how big a deal would that be to me?”

      1. OyHiOh*

        I buried my husband in my early forties. There’s a good chance I’ll bury my life partner in my fifties or sixties, if I’m lucky. After that, only the universe knows (he’s significantly older than I am).

        When my husband died, I was intensely afraid of going through those emotions a second time. I signed up for a dating app, limited age range to mine +/- five years, went on a bunch of first dates and found myself constantly comparing them all to my friend. We decided to go on a real date, and the rest is history. Love – the storybook, fairy tale love that caught us both by surprise – makes the knowledge that I am far more likely to bury him than the other way around, ok.

        I know how grief feels, I’ve worked my way through it once, there are many fewer unknowns in this process than there were the first time. And I am younger now than I once was – less afraid, more confident, stronger in myself.

        Not to convince you that you should do three husbands or something, far from it! We only know what we know about ourselves in this moment. Just that what you know can change, and sometimes catch you unawares.

        1. Ann Ominous*

          The pain of losing my husband is pretty much my biggest fear. He’s also order than me, (I’m early 40s and he is mid 50s). My husband lost a wife to cancer before marrying me, and has explained what the grieving process was like for him. It is just devastating and makes me want to hold on and love him all the more. If I was much older, I don’t know what I’d do.

      2. Anonymous elder crush*

        You’ve captured much of what I’ve been thinking about and it’s helpful to hear your perspective.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Here’s an interesting article about this. Google “new york times older couples living apart” and you should find an article from their “well” section from July 16 2021. I’ll post the link in a reply.

    5. fposte*

      We always bring our own baggage to questions, so here’s mine.

      I’m a long-term single close to your age and I really like living alone, so I can’t imagine anything but a FWB arrangement–all the fun and comradeship and none of the imposition. I’ve also been reading Alzheimer’s forums of late (friend in late stage of early onset), and I’ve seen several people agree that in an age-gap relationship they accepted they were signing on to be an early widow, but not to be an early long-term caretaker.

      I’m a little surprised that this is such a big factor for a romantic relationship that doesn’t even exist yet, since there really is so much middle ground between “not dating” and “tied for life and all obligations.” Maybe it would be useful for you to consider that middle ground and ways to be comfortable with it, if it’s not historically been your style; you definitely need to consider that that middle ground may be his style even if it’s not yours, for one thing. But you always have the right to break up with somebody, whether it’s after a week or a year or a decade, or pull back on where a relationship’s going. You can say “Hey, I’m finding that I think about you romantically sometimes. Would you be interested in exploring that?” without promising in sickness and in health until he’s 100 and you’re 90

      1. Anonymous elder crush*

        I appreciate your comment about middle ground. The reason this is coming up for me now, before a romantic involvement is an actual thing, is that I’ve always been open-ended in engaging in relationships with a perspective of “let’s see where this goes and how it evolves.” That’s consistently been my approach rather than deciding a relationship has to evolve in a particular direction.

        What’s new and surprising for me is to have a caveat from the beginning of already knowing there’s a future outcome that I don’t want. I have this lens about aging that never came up before.

        I love your phrasing for bringing it up with him should I decide to do that. I was feeling tongue-tied and your wording is great. Thanks!

    6. RC Rascal*

      Friend of my moms married a long time acquaintance at age 75. He was widowed she had divorced an abusive husband many years earlier. They were married about 8 years until his death but it was a marvelous marriage.

    7. No Nurse with a Purse*

      My friend divorced, successful, mid 50s has thought about this carefully & said she doesn’t want to be “a nurse with a purse.” No relationships with men sho are 10-15 years older. She’s active & vital & knows when she’s 65, a 75 to 80 year old partner won’t be able to participate in golden years activities that she enjoys.

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I think it’s worth putting things into perspective that even if you stick to dating folks also in their 60s, illness and disability can occur to anyone at any time. I think focusing more on enjoying yourself now with whomever most tickles your fancy is at least going to give you some happiness to compensate for the (let’s face it, inevitable) fact that every relationship ends eventually, one way or another. I think it’s possible and ethical to go into this relationship with everyone being on the same page about not ever being expected to take on physical caretaking duties of the other. It’s not wrong to take some time to figure out what you do and don’t want out of this relationship and present that clearly and honestly to your prospective partner. If they don’t like the terms you propose, they can make an informed decision to seek romance elsewhere.

      1. EJ*

        I always think a crush is so much fun. The racing heart, the little side looks etc etc. Take a moment to enjoy it!

  16. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Creative cooking challenge: looking for tasty dinner recipe suggestions that can also be made visually appealing when puréed?

    Currently on leave caring for a family member in their terminal phase and they are on no solids. The whole family is a foodie bunch and shared dinners at the table have always been an important part of family time. Although they are super sweet, grateful and never, ever complain I can’t help but sense their disappointment at what must feel like having a separate mash dinner at kiddie o’clock while the “adults” have a “real” dinner later.

    I try to make a point of stopping what I’m doing to sit down at the table for a glass of wine with them while they eat their dinner early, or at least make a smooth dessert for them to look forward to that we can all share together later (eg chocolate mousse or custard). But ideally at this point in their illness I/we would like to make more single dinners that we can all eat together early, with part/s that can be puréed and attractively arranged so that they can see they’re still having the same thing, just in a different format (as opposed to a defrosted, externally-prepared, something-else mush-bowl).

    Problem is I’m rapidly running out of ideas… there’s only so many meals that purée well and only so many ways you can dress up those plates without sprinkling pretty choke hazards all over them. My biggest hit so far seems to be a deconstructed taco-esque plate, with refried beans layered with melted cheese, meat/tomato salsa purée, guacamole and a touch of decorative sour cream. And the rest of us can have the regular tacos at the same time so it feels inclusive and festive.

    It’s not feasible to do it every single night, but their nights left are limited so I’d appreciate any ideas for including them in more whole family meals and introducing more variety.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      What about polenta (freshly cooked and still soft), topped with a cream based sauce (maybe mushroom and chicken with a bit of brandy). The sauce could be pureed.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Or a deconstructed lasagna – a semolina porridge, topped with pureed tomato/meat sauce, drizzled with a creamy sauce with parmesan and egg yolk in it, and topped with melted cheese. Serve with a pureed zucchini soup flavoured with herbs.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        You know I hadn’t even considered polenta as I always let it set and then fry it up. But loaded with parmesan, soft polenta would make a delicious base for a variety of toppings – thanks!

    2. Laika*

      Hmm. I’ve bought food-grade silicone molds for chocolate-making from Amazon before; it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s molds in the shape of carrots or fish or what have you–I imagine a puree would hold its shape if it was reasonably thick and it might plate up nicely? Not sure if that’s exactly the type of thing you’re looking for precisely, but I hope you get some other thoughtful suggestions from folks and you enjoy some lovely family meals together :)

    3. Atomic Tangerine*

      I couldn’t eat solid food for a month once, and …yeah this is challenging. Also I think you are kind of awesome.

      Twice baked potatoes?

    4. Bobina*

      Ooh, this is a challenge. How soft/non-solid does it have to be? I notice you’ve said puree, but would things like very soft mashed potatoes/root vegetables be okay? Is well cooked rice okay or too much?

      Personally I’d be thinking about cuisines or dishes that are stew heavy? So like, Indian curries (especially the lentil based ones – can cook them down long enough so the dal gets very very soft, or blend it if needed), French stews, hearty soups, Chilli etc. Then perhaps they just get a different accompaniment eg mashed potatoes rather than naan or bread. Could you do something like risotto where you just set aside a portion for them that gets cooked down longer so the rice becomes very very soft? In a similar vein – congee (rice porridge – can be made sweet or savoury).

      Other options: I want to say fishcakes (but crunch toppings/breading might be an issue when cooking?) maybe some kind of savoury souffle? Savoury mousses (all of these are fish based in my head), paté type things? For desserts, a bread and butter pudding can end up quite soft if you add lots of liquid to the mixture but would still be tasty I think?

      1. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

        People use words in different ways so I may have understood wrong. But the way I have learned these things, if someone isn’t able to eat even mashed potatoes, you should call it a liquid diet, not pureed. I think mashed potatoes is a good idea for this, because everybody can then have one component of the main course that is the same thing.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        It’s not so much getting the food super soft (they can still chew), it’s more that there can’t be any lumps in it that might get caught in their throat, as they have trouble swallowing and don’t have enough strength to cough if they start to choke. So mash is fine, but whole veg pieces or risotto/porridge would probably still be too chunky/granular.

        I hadn’t been thinking beyond potato/sweet potato for the mash, but your root veg suggestion has made me think now about beetroot, carrot and mushy peas, that could add some pretty colour contrast to the dish!

        1. Pennyworth*

          Pureed food can be piped into swirls and patterns which would give some eye appeal. Some dishes like souflees and pannacotta are naturally smooth. Soups can be garnished with a swirl of cream.

          1. Pennyworth*

            I just did an internet search – you can buy puree food molds in the shape of different food.

        2. RC+Rascal*

          I had my bite reset and had upper and lower palate expanders; my molars didn’t meet at all so I couldn’t chew for months and was on a liquid/soft/semi soft diet for a long time. Here are some things that worked for me that might work for you:

          Whipped peanut butter is less sticky and doesn’t get stuck in your throat.

          Smoothies. Ideas:
          Spinach, pineapple and banana with 8 z orange or pineapple juice & 8 z water
          Carrot, ginger, banana smoothie with 8z orange or pineapple juice & 8z water
          Blueberry banana spinach smoothie with 8z milk. (Can also use raspberry or mixed berry, DO NOT use strawberries only)

          Tater tot, fried egg, and frozen green bean skillet. Fry the tots in oil in a non stick skillet; add the green beans, then fry the egg and place on top of tots & beans. Sprinkle salt, pepper, paprika and a light sprinkle of parmesan. Can also substitute ripe avocado for the green beans.
          (This was the only “meal” I could eat for a long time. Frying the tots in oil keeps them soft and the runny yolk of the eggs keep things soft).

          The chicken fingers from Chick Fil A are soft.

          Good luck.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I’d definitely look into soups, running the veggies through a blender to puree them. Most people enjoy a good soup. This time of year you can think about cold soups. I used to make a cucumber and mint soup that was so good. (hmm… gotta find that recipe)

      You could inquire about a protein drink for them also. If you can mix protein powder into something that might give you some relief from the brain strain of thinking of things. And there’s also drinks with electrolytes. Check with a doc before venturing into these things, of course.

    6. Not A Manager*

      A lot of (hot or cold) soups can be pureed. A chunky gazpacho becomes a creamy gazpacho, leek and potato soup becomes vichyssoise, lentils and beans can be served whole or pureed. Even fruit soups, which are an interesting start to a summer meal, can be pureed and served with a spoonful of sour cream or yogurt. I’d probably stay away from soups that have meat in them, unless it’s important that your relative get as much protein as possible, because that can interfere with the nice texture of pureed vegetables.

      Since your relative likes the deconstructed tacos, I’d think about deconstructing almost any casserole. Personally I’m not a big fan of pureed pasta, although I’m sure it tastes good, but any casserole that has layers or starch/meat/sauce/cheese could presumably be individually pureed and assembled in layers. Something like a shepherds pie would be ideal for that, since it’s already based on mashed potatoes. And for some reason, polenta or pureed rice sounds more appealing to me than pureed pasta.

      I send my good thoughts and best wishes to you and your family member.

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        I second the suggestion for soups – gazpacho is an excellent summer dish, and has a beautiful color. You could also make beet soups (like a borscht) or as a chilled soup. Again, visually very appealing, and you can add a little sour cream, or even edible flowers, and it will look beautiful. I will look for some pictures and recipes to link to separately. I personally also love pumpkin soup with coconut milk. Again, it has a lovely color, and you could throw on some micro greens to make it look nicer. All of these are meals that everybody could eat together.
        Warm wishes to you and your family member.

    8. Generic Name*

      I make a butternut squash soup in the fall that is puréed and tastes really yummy. Something everyone can eat. I normally make it with a side of toast points with cheese. What about dishes with hummus? Those who can eat solids can eat the normal dippers to go with it.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I make a sweet potato and red lentil soup – the lentils give it a protein boost and puree smooth – as well as a Silver Palate green pea, mint and spinach soup with added chickpeas, also for protein boost.

    9. fposte*

      For me a big issue would be lack of color contrast–I love soup and am reasonably swallowing-competent, but a big bowl of brown is still depressing to me. One possibility to help there is to keep on hand some sauces to drizzle. You’d key it to their tolerance, of course, so you know whether or not BBQ sauce or sriracha would be workable, but there are plenty of red possibilities like marinara, too, and going for pesto or even liquidized compound butter could give a nice green touch.

      1. Souped Up*

        You could puree different components of the soup and ladle them into the bowl in stripes, like a flag. That would help mitigate the whole everything-turns-brown problem.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that’s a good point for the OP. Since I’m not a choke risk I just put cilantro on everything.

      2. Random Bystander*

        Yes–at least put things of different colors in separately. I am on a diet that usually involves protein shakes for breakfast (almond milk + coconut milk + protein powder + mix ins). One of them is cherry amaretto (frozen cherries, almonds, almond extract as mix ins) that the recipe says “add a half cup of spinach, you won’t taste it but the nutritional benefits are great” …. except that adding that spinach changes what is otherwise an attractive dusky pink shake into something of a rather unappetizing color.

    10. Pippa K*

      This isn’t a specific suggestion, but your post reminded me of a good depiction I saw of how food can be made both swallowable and visually appealing for people with various degrees of dysphagia. It’s not something I’d ever thought about before seeing it, but apparently nursing homes, hospitals, etc. are giving more attention not just to the nutrients, but to making it look like food. I’ll link to the tweet in reply.

        1. Expiring Cat Memes*

          This visual is excellent, thanks! I’m going to get a piping bag and try doing something similar (though I’m sure it’s going to take a bit of practise to get it looking that good!)

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Foods meant to be pureed for all of you?
      Vichyssoise, lobster bisque, patés, lentil stew.
      Or partially–mashed potatoes & gravy, cranbery jelly (strained not preserves with seeds) then only the turkey is different.
      Indian cuisine has a lot of soft stews that might be easily adapted.
      And look at jook (aka congee) which is at heart a rich rice porridge.
      You’re sweet for doing this!

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This might not work for dinner, but maybe for breakfast, everyone could have smoothies? There’s one from a Dr. Fuhrman cookbook that’s a puree of greens, banana, cocoa powder, vanilla, peanut butter, and plant milk that tastes pretty yummy.

    13. RC Rascal*

      Eggs Portuguese? The tomatoes & pepper sauce could purée. Can they eat poached or baked eggs that are soft ?

    14. Maverick Jo*

      Gazpacho can appear complex, while it’s quite simple to prepare. Also Risotto is easy, yet incredibly satisfying.

      1. Maverick Jo*

        Also, my daughter had jaw reconstruction surgery last year. Only thin purées that could be “syringed” between a tiny gap.

        I cooked down an entire head of cauliflower, puréed with a little butter, cream, sea salt. It tasted like a bisque.

    15. Girasol*

      A smoothie made with a cup of whole milk and half a cup of whole cottage cheese, and flavored with soft fruit or orange juice, peanut butter, chocolate, and/or vanilla, or some such, and sweetened a little. We’re doing nectarine/vanilla ones this week which look and taste like melted peach ice cream. I love a chocolate peanut butter smoothie. Those have a lot of calories and are pretty high in protein too so they work as a nice drinkable meal in summer.

    16. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      -Curried carrot soup is hearty, velvety-smooth, and a beautiful color.

      -Mediterrenean mezze platter with hummus, baba ganoush, maybe some olive tapenade, labneh, foul, mujadara– tons of excellent, flavorful dips and spreads, just have the pita be optional.

      -same with Ethiopian food, many of my favorites are basically schmear-consistency already and could be made smooth with a quick blitz in the food processor, then just have the injera be optional (yellow split peas/kik alicha is probably the best option if spiciness is a concern)

      -I haven’t ever made it, but there is a Japanese dish that is basically a fish… custard? It tastes better than that sounds, I promise. It uses a savory fish stock as the basis for a delicate egg custard that definitely goes down easy if you like seafood. Chawanmushi is the recipe to search for if you’re curious. It’s the sort of thing that would probably usually be garnished by chopped scallions, but you can make a scallion oil or concentrated scallion puree to drizzle over it instead.

      -in general there are just tons of fancy drizzle-based garnishes that you could investigate to fancy things up. Glazes from meat juices, pureed fresh herbs, fruits or veggies cooked down to concentrate the flavor, flavored oils, probably an entire French encyclopedia’s worth of cream-based sauces…

      Best of luck!

    17. Esmeralda*

      Soups. Butternut squash and apple. Carrot ginger. Roasted red pepper. Cream of tomato. Any bean or lentil soup can be puréed very smooth.

      A nice garnish for any puréed soup is a swirl of crème fraiche or sour cream, or olive oil puréed with a complementary herb (dill or parsley or mint or basil)

      Cold soup is nice too— watermelon-tomato gazpacho, cold minty zucchini or cucumber (make with buttermilk or yogurt or labneh and lemon)

      Make two puréed soups in contrasting colors. Pour them carefully into the bowl at the same time, then make a swirl from each into the other (like a yin yang emblem).

      The rest of the family can have garnishes, sides.

    18. Grey Squirrel*

      Check out Ethiopian wats! Lentils, cabbage/carrots/potatoes, or meat stewed for a long time until it is basically pureed. You can eat them with a fork and spoon or a squishy bread called injera which is also good for people without teeth.

  18. Firebird*

    There must be something I’m doing wrong with my rice cooker. I’m following the directions but whenever I use it, the rice always gets brown on the bottom. How can I fix this?

    From what I have read, the cooker is supposed to stop when the water has been absorbed. But if I use extra water, won’t it keep cooking until it gets brown anyway? Could there be a problem with a sensor?

    Should I just stop the rice cooker instead of letting it finish its cycle? How long should I wait?

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m not sure whether this can help, because my rice cooker goes in the microwave rather than being an appliance of its own. But reviewing how much water you use may be useful, at least so you can rule it out with confidence. With my cooker, when the rice starts becoming stiff and brown at the bottom, it’s always because of not enough water (i.e. the water I added absorbed completely before the microwave timer went off).

    2. matcha123*

      It’s normal for the rice to get a little brown at the bottom.
      As long as you are doing other steps correctly for the type of rice you’re cooking and it tastes and has the texture you’re looking for, no reason to change anything.

      Is your rice cooker the type with a glass lid and one on/off button? If so, it’s very common for that type to be brown on the bottom.
      If it’s a “better” type, like Zoujirushi with all the bells and whistles, hmm…but not impossible.

      Since I don’t have space for an electric rice cooker, I use a pot (a kind of dutch oven one). For my kind of cooker, rise the rice about three times and then pour in the correct amount of water. Let it sit, not cook, for about 20 minutes (a little longer in the winter). Then turn the stovetop flame to high and cook until you hear a boiling sound. When you hear boiling, reduce the heat to low and let it cook another 15 – 20 minutes or until the water is gone and the rice is fluffy. You aren’t supposed to continuously lift the lid to check, but you might want to the first few times to try. Then turn off the heat and let it sit and steam for another 10 minutes or so. Finally, use a ladle to mix the rice and let it sit a little before serving.

      You’ll get some brown on the bottom, but it’s not wrong or bad.

    3. MassChick*

      I’m assuming you mean an electric rice cooker? I’ve used one now for umpteen years (mostly Panasonic brand) and have almost always had perfect rice. I rinse the rice a couple of times, drain and put it in the inner pan, add water up to the marking – I use the plastic measuring cup that comes with the cooker. I turn it on and forget about it for about an hour. Then, if it has moved to “Warm” mode I switch if off. I try not to leave it on “Warm” for too long.
      If there is browning, I would guess you need more water? The measures for the rice cooker may be different than the directions for the specific rice you are using?
      Also, are you leaving it on warm for long periods after cooking is complete? That may dry it out cause the browning.
      But it is possible you have a faulty piece!

      1. Clisby*

        Yes, my daughter has an electric rice cooker and says she never has a problem cooking rice. I have no experience with electric cookers – I use an old-fashioned stovetop rice steamer. (Both of my children could cook perfect rice in it before they were 10.) I’ve never had a problem with rice getting brown at the bottom, but I guess if I neglected it long enough, it might.

    4. Angstrom*

      With our electric rice cooker, the measuring “cup” that came with it for the dried rice was 3/4 of a cup. It’s easy to get the ratio wrong if you forget and use a standard cup as a serving.
      I think a bit of brown is normal — just mix it in.
      In some places toasted crunchy brown rice at the bottom of the pot is a feature, not a bug. :-)

      2. Clisby*

        But shouldn’t the ratio work out the same no matter what you’re using as a measure? For example, in my stovetop rice steamer, the proportion is 1:1 rice and water. It doesn’t matter whether it’s 3/4 of a cup, a cup, a teacup, some random glass – as long as you put in equal amounts of rice and water, it’s fine. This is for white rice – long grain, basmati, jasmine. If I’m cooking brown rice I add a little extra water.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          A lot of rice cookers have lines on the inside of the cooking container to judge the level of water (useful when you’re rinsing the rice first, and it goes in already wet). However, a Japanese cup is 200 ml, while a North American cup is 250 ml, so if mix up the two, you won’t have enough water.

    5. Lasslisa*

      It probably means your rice cooker is overdoing it a bit. I had one that would do this, it didn’t have a keep warm cycle but it seemed like the heating element didn’t cool down very well when the cooking was done. It seemed to help to remove the pot from the cooker as soon as time was up.

    7. Charlotte Lucas*

      Actually, that’s normal & considered the tastiest part in some cultures! I remember reading that when rice cookers with fuzzy logic came out, people in some countries complained that there was no browsing at the bottom. I think it might now be available as a setting on some models.

      It really just depends on the type of cooker you use.

  19. Anonymous seeker*

    Please give me positive stories about attending couples counselling/working on your relationship. My husband and I have been married 3 years, have 2 kids and are having frequent fights. I love him but I don’t feel listened to, he is resistant to counselling and the last time I tried to get him to come the counsellor basically said “you guys don’t have much of a reason for counselling.” I am increasingly unhappy I our relationship but I want to make it work. Please give me hope

    1. Indigo Five Alpha*

      Well, that counsellor seems pretty terrible for a start, I’m so sorry that that was the reaction you got after persuading your husband to go :( it’s such a bizarre reaction to say you don’t have a reason! Frequent fights and you being unhappy are two very good reasons.

      I would strongly suggest going to counselling on your own at this stage. At the end of the day you can’t force him to change, but you can act differently, and I think it might really help for you to have someone in your corner.

      2. Observer*

        This was pretty much my first thought, too.

        It’s still worth trying to find a GOOD couples counselor, but in the meantime / concurrently, separate counseling for yourself can be really helpful.

      3. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Oh, I interpreted it to mean that the counselor thought that the situation had deteriorated to the point that counseling wouldn’t help, not that there were no problems at all. OP, can you clarify?

    2. allathian*

      Go to counseling on your own, if he’s resistant.

      How old are your kids? If they’re young enough to be born while you’ve been married, it’s no wonder that your relationship is in some trouble. The biggest risk for a relationship to end is when the kids are small (toddlers or preschoolers).

      But it has to be said, that you can’t maintain this relationship on your own, and it’s futile to try if your husband has completely checked out of it. How do you think you’ll feel if nothing changes during the next 5 years?

      1. Been and done*

        Leave early/when your kids are young. I am a strong proponent of not letting your kids be collateral damage when trying to save your marriage.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      “You guys don’t have much of a reason for counselling.”

      Because you don’t really have deep problems? Or because you aren’t willing to work to fix them?

      I will third going to counseling on your own to help sort through what you want to do and what you can do.

      1. Anonymous seeker*

        In her opinion, because we didn’t have big enough problems. She did suggest individual counselling for my husband (which he didn’t do). I think we presented too happy and minimised our issues, and that she has certain types of couples counselling that she liked to do and we didn’t fit that mould. I also think she was pretty terrible for undermining us/me and could have said that we weren’t the right fit FOR HER and still encouraged us to see someone else.
        I am planning to be much more clear on our issues with this next counsellor so he doesn’t do the same.

        1. Observer*

          Good heavens!

          That’s malpractice, in my opinion. “Not a good fit” is reasonable. “Not my style so you shouldn’t do counseling” is beyond absurd.

    4. Yeah summer!*

      I agree with seeking your own counseling.
      Also I recommend looking for a Gottman trained counselor. There is a list on the website. Also the Gottman “7 principles for making marriage work” is good basic work you can do together to prepare for counseling.

      1. fposte*

        Gottman has some good books, too, if you want to read up. I’ve found them illuminating for all kinds of relationships.

      2. cubone*

        I follow Gottman Institute on Instagram and I’m amazed at how much I’ve picked up just from their posts. Their approach is really great for a lot of people.

    5. Spearmint*

      I think you need to have a difficult conversation with your husband and express that you are really unhappy, there are no signs of things getting better, and that these issues threaten the survival of the relationship. Some people tend to see relationship problems as “not a big deal” unless it’s made clear that these problems could lead to divorce if not addressed. That’s what it takes for some to take them seriously. I know it’s scary to say something like that to your partner, but it sounds like things are so bad as it is that it would be worth it.

      I’m curious if other commenters agree or disagree with me here.

      1. fposte*

        In one of the Gottman books he recounts a conversation with a husband who says “My wife says she’s going to leave me. Should I take that seriously?” And he’s genuinely startled when Gottman says yes, of course, you’ve probably missed lots of indications that she’s unhappy already.

        1. Observer*

          If this weren’t coming from someone like Gottman, who I am sure would never make up stuff, I would really have a hard time believing this. Because how clueless can a functioning adult be?!

          1. fhqwhgads*

            However clueless you expect a functioning adult could be, double it and that’s the real threshold.

      2. I’m just here*

        I think this is spot on. My marriage was mildly verbally abusive with a checked-out spouse who wouldn’t work through his own issues. Making plans to leave and telling him – but also offering to do counseling – put me in a spot where I would have two paths forward that worked for me. 1) a peaceful life on my own or 2) a healthy marriage with him. His effort – and engagement in counseling with me – were what would determine which way I’d move forward. I told this to him. It was motivating. I also insisted on him doing his own counseling – he was consistently irritable, critical, etc. I wrote about this on Captain Awkward – look for #1218.

        1. Bart*

          I’m Just Here: your letter was one I pointed to when people questioned why I glad from my emotionally and sexually abusive husband! The Captain’s response: “What if nothing is wrong with you and the problem is you’re married to an asshole? ” was so helpful. I hope you are happy and thriving, whatever you ultimately did!

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        It’s one reason I support rare ultimatums*. Because I’ve often heard of people hmming “Yeah, I hear you saying that this thing still annoys y–wait, you’re saying you’re leaving and moving in with your parents?!!!”

        *If the problem is ongoing, this is not the first time you’re raising it, and you really do have one foot on the threshold ready to leave.

    6. BadCultureFit*

      I went through a tough patch with my husband a few years ago and we did couples counseling for about 6 months. It was incredibly helpful but I do think both parties need to be willing participants.

      If he’s really resistant, I second the notion of you doing solo counseling. At a minimum, it’ll make you more confident in your own feelings and needs and better able to articulate them.

      Also remember: you’re right in he thick of it, with two (presumably young)kids in a pandemic. This stuff can be hard! You’ll be ok no matter what.

    7. anniehallfishfernfox*

      I’m sorry your going through this and you don’t feel heard in your relationship. I experienced a similar situation with my last long term partner and, while we didn’t have children together, we co-parented my son. We had so much love for each other, but we argued often. We both saw individual counsellors regularly before we met, and he was an enthusiastic participant in couples counselling. We went together for about a year. Eventually, I realized he didn’t have the capacity to show up in our relationship in the way I needed him to. At that point, we ended it. It was really hard, but I had absolute clarity that I would never feel heard or valued in that relationship, and that clarity is what I needed to move on. I realize this might not inspire the kind of hope you you need right now, but it this was the best possible outcome for me.

    8. Flowers*

      How appropriate this came up today. I brought up counseling to my husband and he refuses. “Fix yourself and everything will be fine.” I feel like I have no choice but to seek legal help now to protect myself

      I wish you all the luck in the world and hope this works out for you.

    9. MoMac*

      Try looking for a therapist who specializes in the Gottman method. The focus is on communication and managing arguments. But there are also expectations of practicing skills outside of sessions. I’m not sure where you are located but you can find someone certified in Gottman at their site. They have a site gottman dot com with a find a therapist page. Good luck!

    10. Couples counseling worked for us*

      My husband and I did couples counseling at about the three-year mark into our marriage. We fought often – like loud, screaming matches – which if you knew us you would probably find quite surprising. Our friends used to joke that they couldn’t imagine us fighting or raising our voices to each other – boy they would have been shocked if they saw our fights. I can quite honestly say that I feel the counseling saved our marriage. The counselor identified that I was mildly depressed and was able to recommend antidepressants. He was able to help each of us see the other’s perspectives and why our actions might be upsetting. We have now been married for 20 years, rarely fight, and are still quite happy.

      I will say that this was the second counselor we saw. We had one appointment with a different counselor, and literally got into a roaring fight less than 5 minutes after our appointment. After we calmed down, we agreed that particular counselor was not the right fit for us and sought a different one. The next counselor was the right fit. So if you do manage to get your husband to go to counseling with you, please push to make sure he understands that it might take an appointment or two with different counselors to ensure it’s the right fit.

    11. Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii*

      You need to find a better counsellor.
      When it comes to psychology there its a continuum of skill and abilities amongst practitioners.

      Some counsellors are terrible, some are ok, some are good and some are great.

      Any counsellor with any sense would never say something like you don’t have a reason for counselling, its incredibly condescending and anyone with training knows that just getting to a counsellor is a huge leap for patients, most suffer in silence. And they are supposed to know that getting to the heart of an issue usually takes time and that people don’t present the root of the problem right away, if they did then counselling would be a very short term advice giving session instead of counselling.

      1. Katefish*

        Thank you for saying this! Totally different context, but I once had a counselor say I didn’t need therapy and have been skittish about going back ever since.

        1. Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii*

          You are most welcome.
          It can take a few tries before you find the right counsellor, don’t give up.

    12. Emma*

      What an awful counselor! I recommend looking on the psychology today website. They have a counselor database. We looked for someone who specialized in relationships.
      My husband and I did about 9 months of counseling recently. It was all virtual. It started out weekly, and went down to every other week, and then monthly, and now none (though we’ll go back as needed), just because we needed it less.

      Talk to your counselor about both your struggles in the relationship and your goals for the relationship. It’s so great that you want to seek help.

      We also have a young child, and there was also infidelity, and this both was instrumental to our recovery from that, but also in teaching us communication strategies, and strategies on how to share the workload at home.
      Thinking of you. Hugs.

    13. Anonymous seeker*

      Thank you everyone, I feel much more positive about things reading your advice and experiences. I have booked an appointment for 9/14 and hubby seems willing if not enthusiastic. I can’t thank you all enough.
      Side note – I plan to feed back on the last counsellor who said we didn’t need therapy

  20. Shoes please*

    Looking for recommendations for commuter shoes (mainly sneakers). I need to wear them to and fro the place we don’t talk about on weekends :) I can change into work-appropriate shoes once I get there, but wearing those while commuting is proving to be really bad for my feet.

    I’m hoping for something that’s comfortable and supportive, but also doesn’t look totally out of place with dressier outfits. Would be nice if it were rain-proof and easy to keep clean, but not a necessity.

    Thank you and happy weekend! P.S. if this is more appropriate for the Friday thread, happy to post it there instead

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I swear by Adidas Stan Smiths and won’t ever buy anything else if I can get away with it. They are the most comfortable sneakers I’ve ever worn and there’s so much choice of colour combinations. If you’re stingy like me, the Adidas website has an outlet section that will most definitely have a few models on sale. I’ve seen them worn with skirts and dresses at smart casual workplaces. Also, they’re easy to clean by wiping with a cloth, which helps given a lot of models are mainly white or off-white.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      Allbirds Tree Runners tend to be commute shoes or work shoes in my circle. I expect most casual/stylish sneakers (in contrast to athletic shoes) would meet your needs.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Yes. I have several pairs of Tree Runners and also Wool Runners, and they’re my most comfortable shoes for walking. And very stylish.

    4. The OG Sleepless*

      I love Skechers for that purpose. They are also fully machine washable if they get dirty on your commute.

      1. Inkhorn*

        +1. You can get ones that resemble ballet flats with beefed-up soles, and they are so cushiony. One weekend walk in those things and I couldn’t imagine how I’d lived without them.

    5. Jay*

      Depends on how much arch support and cushioning you need. Vionic makes several styles of sneakers or slip-ons that have good support and cushioning – I wore their flats all over Europe this summer without a problem. Arcopedico shoes are also very comfy and good for walking and mostly look like shoes, not sneakers.

      My go-to sneakers for skirts are still Keds, which I don’t wear if I have to walk more than about a mile. I have a pair of cute flowered ones and a pair of black ones. I also have Rothys sneakers which I like a lot – they are much more expensive than the Keds, of course.

      Why no, I don’t have a shoe problem. Why do you ask?

    6. Shoe*

      I like the Cariuma brand, they look like Chucks but are eco friendly. They have some dressier styles. They have cork insoles so they mold really well to your feet once you break them in.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I really like my knit slip on sneakers from Athletic Propulsion Labs (APL). They are the Techloom Bliss style. They come in a bunch of different colors, but my favorite for work are the black knit ones with black soles. Very comfortable and light. Unfortunately they are pricey, but well made.

    8. RosyGlasses*

      I love my Vejas! They are sleek and comfortable and often are worn with business casual wear when I see folks out and about. Even today I plan to wear a light summer dress with jean jacket and my vejas.

    9. Sparkles McFadden*

      I like my Under Armour sneakers. Sketchers are also good. If you need more arch support, Vionics are good (if a little pricy) but I like the Under Armour because they are roomy.

    10. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

      If they don’t have to be sneakers I like Merrell Mocs slip on shoes. Super comfortable, good for walking & some are very water resistant

      1. Squidhead*

        Me too! I’ve gone through 2 or 3 pairs of the same shoe (over the last 10-ish years). I like that they are dark colored; light colored shoes always stand out to me and dark colors become invisible. The “men’s” and “women’s” style mocs are similar with some different finish options. I do wish they had a black-on-black option in the women’s smooth-textured moc, but the only non-black part of the ones I have is a the teal stripe/loop on the back. Don’t let “moc” fool you, they have full coverage over the heel and I walk in them like I would in sneakers.

    11. Ann Ominous*

      See if there is a Fleet Feet near you. They don’t work on commission (I think), and are exceptionally well-trained. You’ll try on half a dozen pairs of shoe/insole combos and they’ll even encourage you to take them outside for a walk/run to see what they feel like. I found I was wearing a half size too small and needed way more stability than the shoes I was wearing. I can even feel it in my back and neck!

      1. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

        Ooooh. Good idea! Our daughter’s doctor actually recommended Fleet Feet $50 insoles over the $1000 Good Feet Store custom insoles.

  21. Learning More*

    The Place We Don’t Mention has given it’s people a day off on Sept. 30 specifically to honor the Day of Truth and Reconciliation (we’re in Canada). I would love reccs of media (podcasts, shows, films, books, artists, etc) to explore and learn from. It’s not meant to be a holiday, it’s for reflection, and I want to respect that and build a list of stuff to check out (not just that day, but in the future). I have some knowledge from an online history/current events university course I took last year, so now I’m interested in more specific stuff.

    1. Emma2*

      Alanis Obomsawin, the amazing Abenaki Canadian American documentary film maker, has quite a number of films you might find interesting. I would recommend Kanehsatake: 270 Years of Resistance (about the Oka crisis). Pair it with Beans, a recent indie (fictional) film set during the same time period from Mohawk Canadian filmmaker Tracey Deer – it is an excellent film, a coming of age story, but also a very clear depiction of the experience of the Mohawk people during the crisis.

    2. PX*

      Angry Inuk (and other work from the director might be quite relevant).

      And even though its not exactly Canadian, the film (and there is also a book) Rabbit Proof Fence came to mind as being something that might be related. Its based on Australian Aboriginal children trying to escape the forced settlement they were put in.

    3. Angstrom*

      “The Inconvenient Indian” by Thomas King is a good overview of Native -colonist relations in North America.

      1. Ontariariario*

        Loved this book. It has so much history and cultural insight all while being a page-turner. Next on my list is the Canada Reads winner Five Little Indians.

    4. Bizhiki*

      The Secret Life of Canada podcast on CBC has some great Indigenous episodes. I’m part way through the two-part Kanesatake episodes, and learning tonnes.

      I’m assuming the university course you took was University of Alberta’s Indigenous Canada MOOC, but if it wasn’t, I’d highly recommend that.

      Book recommendations: A Really Good Brown Girl by Marilyn Dumont (poetry), Nedi Nezu by Tenille K. Campbell (poetry), As Long as the River Flows by James Bartleman (a novel, about the intergenerational fallout of the IRSS), Where Courage is Like a Wild Horse by Sharon Skolnick (American memoir of time spent in an Indian Orphanage), Moccasin Square Gardens by Richard Van Camp (short stories), Island of Decolonial Love by Leanne Betasamosake Simpson (an amazing blend of short stories, and songs that you can stream online, and just… all around gorgeous writing), The Gift is in the Making also by Leanne Betasamosake Simpson (short stories), basically anything of hers that you read will be time well spent. Love After the End edited by Joshua Whitehead (anthology of short stories with the added benefit of being queer af). And Embers by Richard Wagamese, which I found most delightful as a section-a-day for reflection type of book. Public libraries should have most of these, but if you’re buying, consider Good Minds dot com, an Indigenous book seller. They also have a lot of curated reading lists for all ages, especially for Truth and Reconciliation Day.

      For MMIW focused art, and tribute to the most beautiful collective organizing process I’ve ever witnessed, check out the archived vamps (moccasin tops) on the Walking With Our Sisters dot ca website, under the “art” tab, and read the “about” sections for background. Their archive is still growing as they process the photos from the wrap up ceremony in 2019.

      If you want more recommendations I can keep going. It depends on whether you’re looking for enough material for one day a year, or the whole year round.

      1. Water Everywhere*

        Seconding The Secret Life of Canada and adding two more CBC podcasts: Unreserved and Telling Our Twisted Histories.

    5. Kate*

      Do you have the Overdrive app and access to your local library?

      The Ottawa Public Library (and I imagine many others) features a huge selection of Truth and Reconciliation-related books every September in preparation for the day. Their selections have been stellar so far.

    6. fposte*

      The Witness Blanket about residential school experiences is an amazing art project; there’s great online information about it at the Canadian Museum for Human Rights, which has some virtual stories and a documentary about it on their website (it looks like there’s a 90 minute version on Vimeo and an hour-long version on YouTube). There’s also a really good book by Carey Newman, the artist.

    7. cubone*

      Non fiction: Seven Fallen Feathers by Tanya Talaga
      Fiction: Kiss of the Fur Queen by Tomson Highway

      Both are easily two of the best books I’ve ever read, especially Kiss of the Fur Queen (really, anything Tomson Highway).

      I also recently watched both of Jeff Barnaby’s (a Mi’kmaq filmmaker) movies called Rhymes for Young Ghouls and Blood Quantum and they are fantastic horror movies I would also highly recommend if you’re into that.

    8. Firefly*

      I just finished Unreconciled by the former CBC radio personality Jesse Wente. Really great read

      Also music? Tribe Called Red/Halluci Nation/DJ Shub, Jeremy Dutcher, Digging Roots

      1. Also cute and fluffy!*

        More music:

        Derek Miller (not the guy in Sleigh Bells, the one from Six Nations), George Leach, Logan Staats, Leela Gilday, Art Napoleon, Mark LaForme, Inez.

        Inez, who also is a public health nurse, and I think she’s mostly retired from her music career now, has a great video called Dancin on the Run, about the Potlatch Ban and a relevant video about the cops being involved with the filming of the video.

        https://youtu.be/QgOluBcedw0

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqiGB_83HLA&t=37s

    9. Learning More*

      Oh wow this is a fantastic list! Thank you everyone, I will make some notes and get started. This should keep me busy for a great while to come. Very much appreciated.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Last year I read a book called “Away from Home: American Indian Boarding School Experiences, 1879-2000”, a history of the practice of taking indigenous kids away from their families and sending them off to be educated – usually with emphasis on English-language, Christian studies, with them being deprived of their native languages and cultures.

    11. NotARacoonKeeper*

      Media Indigena and 2Crees in a Pod are my fave lFirst Nations podcasts.

      In addition to leaning about Indigenous communities, histories, etc , I’ve also been trying to read more fiction by Indigenous authors. Thomas King is a classic – Green Grass, running Water was my entre to his work, but I also recently enjoyed Sufferance. I *loved* Eden Robinson’s Trickster trilogy (and the first book has been made into a series in CBC Gem too).

      If you haven’t browsed the TRC report, I recommend that too, or at least the recommendations. If you’re in BC or in health care, the In Plain Sight report is really well put together look at racism in our health system. It definitely applies to other provinces too! There’s an exec summary.

      I also get that day off as a paid vacation day. Inspired by the One Days Pay campaign, I donate my entire take home pay from that day to a local FN charity; the Indian Residential School Society is also a great place to give. If you can, I encourage you to do the same.

    12. Also cute and fluffy!*

      I love the podcast Metis in Space, which reviews movies from an Indigenous lens.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Omg, I’m loving imagining the real Dr Crusher as being a hardcore Metis in Space fan.
          Also, if you haven’t heard it yet, Danny Lavery had Gates McFadden as a guest co-host on his podcast Big Mood, Little Mood last year (2 episodes in June, 1 of them only available to slate plus, I think), and it was EXCELLENT.

    13. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I cannot recommend enough these 2 podcasts:

      First, the Thunder Bay miniseries from Canadaland. Investigative journalism at its finest, but also just a gripping story.

      After you’re done with that, take a breather with the completely delightful Andi Murphy, whose podcast Toasted Sister is one of my top 3 favorite podcasts of all time, in any genre. She goes out and interviews folks about Indigenous food traditions, and the whole vibe is just so sweet and homey and nerdy all at the same time.

    14. Beverly Crusher*

      If you are into nerd stuff or film, the Metis in Space podcast is excellent and very fun. The hosts are two Metis women who are hilarious and love to talk about science fiction, and they generally discuss one sci-fi episode or film from a decolonialist perspective per episode. For example, a single episode of the original Star Trek or Futurama or Supernatural, or the films Avatar or Lilo and Stitch. (Or in one notable episode, the 1970s film adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ, Superstar, which is not strictly sci-fi but is one of the hosts’ favourite movie.)

    15. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I already commented on this post, but I only mentioned some podcasts and forgot entirely about 2 documentaries I love.

      Dawnland: about Indigenous adoptees in Maine is excellent in that it has a tight focus, but also speaks to the broader context of intentional cultural genocide all over North America (Sixties Scoop, etc). Even more broadly, as a transracial adoptee, I think it is one of the best film depictions of that experience that I have ever seen.

      Rumble, The Indians Who Rocked The World: this is just pure fun and awesomeness, and will not feel pike homework, even though you’ll learn a ton. Honestly, everyone should watch this movie just for the pure joy of it.

      1. Also cute and fluffy!*

        Another vote for Rumble!

        Derek Miller, who I mentioned above, plays Mountain Chief, the fellow that was being recorded by ethnographer Frances Densmore, and Link Wray at the end of the movie where they depict Link Wray inventing the power chord in a chicken coop.

        He also had a variety show called the Guilt Free Zone, and was on tv shows Cashing In and Hard Rock Medical.

  22. Arya Parya*

    Next Friday and Saturday I’ll be going to Disneyland Paris. I’ve been once before, but that was over 25 years ago. So does anyone have advice about which rides to go on, where to eat, how to avoid queues (although I don’t mind queuing if the ride is worth it), what parades to catch or skip, etc.?

    Some extra info: we’ll be staying at one of the Disney hotels. I love thrill rides, the faster the better. I hate haunted houses. So I have some concerns about the Indiana Jones ride. The ride itself looks fun, the theming not so much. We’ll be all adults, so we’ll skip stuff that’s just for kids. But rides for all ages that are good, we’d love to go on.

    1. allathian*

      I don’t like haunted houses much, either, but I loved the Indiana Jones ride so much that I went twice, when I went to Disneyland Paris, also over 25 years ago. I went on Easter break during my 6 months as an exchange student, when some friends came over to visit and we explored Paris together. The queues were pretty non-existent, and my friends and I had the time to see everything we wanted and do every ride we wanted during one day.

      August is summer vacation month in much of Europe, including France, so you can expect long queues for every ride. Even if Parisians leave the city in droves, that’s mostly to escape the heat and all the foreign tourists…

        1. allathian*

          Ooops, so it is… D’oh. Hopefully it’ll be a bit less crowded, but in France, school generally starts on the first weekday of September, so I guess the worst crowds will be over.

          In France, parents can also be fined for taking their kids out of school for what is seen as spurious reasons, like traveling for vacation. Authorized absences include illness (including a family member’s for infectious diseases like Covid), major family events like weddings and funerals, and being prevented from getting to school because of an accident en route.

          Unauthorized absences carry a fine of about 150 euros per day. Repeated absenteeism can carry a fine of up to 30,000 euros, with the parents risking up to two years in prison (sic!).

    2. Aspiring Francophone*

      My husband and I just went for our first visit this past Wednesday! (We live here but had never been – though growing up on the West Coast I’d been to Disneyland in CA several times.)

      If you haven’t yet, download the “MagiPark pour Disneyland Paris” app. It was helpful in easily seeing wait times, and you also can look at previous days trends.

      Are you doing both parks? In the Disney Studios we really liked the Ratatouille ride (unique to Disney Paris) – that one has a single riders option so if you’re ok breaking off from each other you can make it in quicker (for example we had a wait time of 20 min going solo vs 45 min if we wanted to stay together). That area around the Ratatouille ride also has a bunch of French & European food stands themed by region. The prices there were decent for food and alcohol (wine/beer) – 6 euros for a sandwich type prices. They’re lax here about bringing in outside food and drink so we did that.

      The parade at 5:30pm was fun to see though we chanced upon it. And while we didn’t have the energy to catch the 11pm fireworks show, since you’ll be staying at a nearby hotel I think it would be worth it since it’s unique to the 30 year anniversary.

      Have fun!

  23. Princess Deviant*

    Any favourite wildlife you’ve seen lately?
    I saw a fox and a bat while I was out late a few nights ago (foxes’ mating calls are… haunting, to say the least).
    And the other week in the heatwave I put some water out for the birds and the hugest gull I’ve ever seen landed in my back yard, had a drink, then took off!

        1. fposte*

          A few years ago I called the police about cries of distress that I’m pretty sure now was just a fox out for a good time.

        3. London Calling*

          Ditto hedgehogs. Like someone being throttled very slowly and LOUDLY. It woke up three households, all of whom were hanging out of their bedroom windows trying to locate the source of the racket.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        When we first moved this house my child came into the room terrified by what was happening outside her side of the house. It was foxes.
        Their comment the next morning? “Now I know what the fox says: It’s screaming bloody murder!”

    2. Hotdog not dog*

      We have a beautiful Coopers hawk who has been hanging around the yard. I hope he’s after the damn chipmunks who are eating all my tomatoes the day before they’re ripe! Whatever his reasons, he’s a stunning bird and I enjoy watching him.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Oh stunning! I don’t think I’d like to see it kill a chipmunk but still… it’s nature!

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          Well, I don’t want to see it happen, but there are way too many chipmunks. They’re into everything this year- even had one get in the house!

    3. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      A fellow fishing enthusiast suggested another location close to where we were fishing. We got lost trying to get there and hit a dead end on a farming road. Across the field we saw a large grey wolf running from one strand of trees to another. I wish I had the forethought to use my phone to record it, but was star struck watching it.

    4. OyHiOh*

      Saw a male mule deer and a male pronghorn hanging out together. They appeared to be companions, waiting for each other, and so on.

      2. OyHiOh*

        Very!!

        They have somewhat different habitat preferences, and should both be getting ready for rut (deer had his antlers). Maybe they enjoy hanging out at the “local watering hole” together until it’s time to go hollar at the ladies!

    5. Tundra dog*

      We went camping the week before last. While on a hike, we looked down at the creek below and saw a cow moose with two calves. They ambled through the creek and into an area with tall brush. The creek must have been fairly deep there, as it looked like the water came up pretty high on the calf’s body.

      The trail was up away from the creek, up a steep hill at this point, and we were glad for the distance — moose can be really dangerous, especially a mama moose with her babies!

      1. allathian*

        Oh yes. When I was a kid, I saw a bull moose up close. I was riding my bike to school, and he crossed the country road in front of me, so close that I could smell him, maybe 30 ft away at most. He was huge, but luckily he just ran into the forest.

        Next to our lot there’s a small, wild wood. Rabbits and squirrels are a fairly common sight in our yard. One of our neighbors has an outdoor cat, and I suspect it of killing the dead voles we sometimes get on our drive. Cats will kill them but won’t eat them, apparently they taste horrible.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      The most interesting thing I’ve seen lately is a cardinal. Mama deer did not come back this year. The ravine behind the house snakes around through the development and into a nearby state park, so I assume she found a nursery up there for this year’s fawn/fawns.

      1. Cj*

        We usually have five deer at our place. Mom and dad, the twins from the prior year, and new twins. This year we had five older ones right from the start, and I never saw any youngsters at all.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I went camping near a lake a few weeks ago and it was fun watching bats swoop down to catch bugs in the evening! I also saw two deer and a coyote at the trail near my house, which was a bit of a surprise because the woods are surrounded on all sides by residences and roads so it doesn’t feel very “wild” usually.

    8. Katie*

      There is a bunch of turkeys that hang out across the street. They are gobbling quite a bit in the morning and my daughter gobbles back at them.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      I heard an owl last night and my husband, who is hiking up north, sent me a recording of the loon he heard last night. And the little sparrows were making a feast of the grass seed we have been tossing on the bare spots of the lawn. They are very cute and very hungry.

      (And butterflies and bees! All over my garden!)

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Yes! Owls are common round here too. And I’ve been leaving the overgrowth in my (very small) yard so it can encourage wildlife, and I’ve seen more bees, birds, and butterflies lately. Still no hedgehogs though!

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      There are some cute local birds I’ve been seeing, but I haven’t figured out what they are. I tried looking up birds of Queens, but no luck so far. They are black, small/medium sized, with gold flecks (and probably some other markings that I should go look at again).

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        If you can get a good photo of one, you can post it on iNaturalist to be identified.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Thank you both for the tips! I will try that! It’d be cool if they turned out to be starlings — I’ve always wondered what starlings looked like since reading Mary Poppins.

    11. Bluebell*

      So I saw a turtle sunning itself at a nearby pond, along w some ducks. I texted my 20something nephew and shared a photo but forgot to proof my spelling. I was mortified and apologized for sending him a text about dicks!

    12. Jane of all Trades*

      I saw a bobcat recently, which was pretty neat. Also a bunch of turkeys and rabbits. I love seeing wildlife.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Hummingbirds and a yellow spotted salamander were the highlight of this week. A big flock of turkeys in someone’s front yard was also fun. They are such modern day dinosaurs!

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Wow that is very cool.
        So interesting hearing other people say that they saw turkeys! The wildlife of other countries is fascinating.

    14. Reba*

      I passed by a state park in South Carolina, Woods Bay State Park, that is a true hidden gem and I saw a GATOR!

      3. Can't think of a funny name*

        Meanwhile in FL…mowing my grass yesterday and there was a gator in the way…guess that section of the yard will wait until next week!

    15. KoiFeeder*

      God’s Angriest Tube Sock never returned this year (she may have passed away during hibernation, or been eaten due to being oddly colored, or just died of old age- she could’ve been older than ten years last year!) and a new copperhead has taken her territory. It’s another mature female, and she is just the prettiest thing you ever did see. Looks like she’s made of freshly-minted pennies. She’s not half as cautious as Tube Sock, though, so we’ve gotta be careful because she will sun in the middle of the driveway and she won’t give a damn about us humans. It’s odd, but I am proud of the fact that our house has been host to two mature females in a row. Makes me feel like we’re prime territory.

      We’ve also got a new black rat snake in the gutters! He’s about four foot so far, I think he’s a teenage male. I’m delighted to see him, because he’s right up at the house so he’ll eat the northern water snakes when they try to sneak into the koi pond. It’s been a few years since we had a gutter rat snake, and the northern water snakes have been relentless. I mean, I know they live here too, but I’d like them to eat all the other food in the area that isn’t our koi, you know?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          The only year we ever had a mouse problem was the first year after the original gutter snake vanished. And even then it was (thankfully!) a “single mouse in the house” mouse problem.

          To contextualize further, we do not use traps or poison (except that one year, where we did end up using traps). We just don’t have mice. Instead we have fat, happy snakes. I’m perfectly happy with this trade-off!

          On the other hand, when it comes to black rat snakes specifically, you can’t really put up birdhouses. In rat snake language, those are called “bed and breakfast”s. This hasn’t been a problem for us (plenty of other bird habitat around given that we’re in the middle of the woods, plus the neighborhood roaming cats mean it’s not really wise to have birdhouses), but I understand it’s a dealbreaker for other folks.

    16. GoryDetails*

      A family of turkeys – I see turkeys often (southern NH), sometimes along the woodland roads and sometimes in people’s yards. This batch had fairly young poults, which seems a bit late in the season – I’d seen earlier broods a month or two ago that were better developed than this batch, but it’s been so warm maybe they’ll have time to mature before winter.

      Re noisy/haunting wildlife noises – yeah, foxes can be extreme! And then there are the raccoons – I get a lot of raccoons in my area and when they start to squabble it sounds like a cat-fight turned up to 11.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Yeah, that could explain it – normally they’d only have one clutch in a season, but if something got to the first set of eggs they might lay again.

    17. The Other Dawn*

      I mentioned it elsewhere, but this morning I happened to look out the side door and saw deer. Mom and her two fawns stopped by for a drink from the stream. I was able to get a few pictures before they took off for the back yard. They likely grabbed a few apples from my trees out back before they went elsewhere.

    18. The OG Sleepless*

      I watched an orb weaver spider wrapping up a yellow jacket in her web. I had to sort of think calm thought at myself so I could watch this big spider waving its legs around this stinging insect, but it was fascinating.

    19. Buona Forchetta*

      I don’t know about favorite – but memorable: I just got back from a trip to Tucson and saw a family of havalinas while I was there. Anyone know if they’re native to the American Southwest?

  24. Atomic Tangerine*

    The Pacific Golden Plovers are returning to Hawaii, to my delight. Saw the first of the season outside of You-Know-Where last week.

    Maybe my all time favorite was the time I saw a Night Heron (seriously cool birdie) sitting on top of his own interpretive sign.

  25. GingerSheep*

    Hi resourceful ones! I am looking for podcast recommendations, but have an unusual stipulation : I have a mild auditory processing disorder, and can only enjoy podcasts when the sound is crisp and when there is no overlaying of music or sound effects. Any accents are fine, but no calling guests on the phone or people talking over each other/all at once. My tastes are eclectic, as I enjoy history, science, nature, true crime, and « weird facts » podcasts, but am looking to adding more to my rotation ! Thanks in advance! :)

    1. RosyGlasses*

      Have you tried Schmanners? It’s produced by the prolific McElroys ( one of the Brothers and his wife). Quite delightful and I think will match what you need.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      My favorites are Terrible Lizards, about dinosaurs and their cousins, and You’re Dead to Me, about history.

    4. just another queer reader*

      I enjoy listening to NPR, both on the radio and via podcast.

      My favorite show is Marketplace (it’s about the economy, but actually interesting – they do a lot of people-centered stories). High production value; the only audio overlay is the very occasional foreign language interview.

      Other NPR shows I like are It’s Been A Minute (culture, particularly Black and queer pop culture) and The Moth (recorded live storytelling events – I think the production value is very good though; minimal audience noise.)

    5. Defective Jedi*

      Maybe try Hardcore History, too. It’s one guy (who used to be in radio) talking and they’re really in-depth (aka long) on specific topics, often with multiple episodes for one topic.

    7. Atomic Tangerine*

      Anything in the freakonomics radio network, and especially most People I Mostly Admire.

      Make me Smart (sibling podcast to Marketplace mentioned above), Don’t Ask Tig (comedian answers advice questions from listeners). Business Made Simple if you’re a small biz owner or considering becoming one. Now and Then (US history in the context of current events), Work Life by Adam Grant (sorry Alison it’s in the name!), Hidden Brain, Queersplaining.

      I drive a lot!

    8. Dino*

      The History of English podcast! There’s music in the intro but that’s it. Since it’s about language and how different sounds developed and we’re borrowed, the audio is super clear to help hear the differences.

    11. Juneybug*

      Mayim Bialik (actor from Big Bang Theory) has a wonderful podcast called Bialik Breakdown that might fit your needs.

  26. Helvetica*

    What’s a TV show/movie that’s sort of a cultural phenomenon, in the sense that everyone saw it and really enjoyed, and discussed extensively but you did not manage to get into?
    I recently decided to try and watch Bridgerton and I…do not get the hype at all. To me, the chemistry is flat, tension is lacking, the general ambience is weak, and I did not manage to get invested in the stories at all. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed plenty of shows with weaker storylines but amazing lead chemistry (looking at you, A Discovery of Witches) and this just does not seem to do it for me. Maybe it is also because to me, it lacked the kind of Jane Austenish regency wit and sparkle, which is why I do enjoy Pride&Prejudice and Sense&Sensibility, etc.
    And on the positive – what is something where you realised the people were right about how good it is? I watched the original Ghostbusters and was really charmed by the humour and the fun, and how thoroughly enjoyable it was.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Stranger Things. The first season was okay, and I should have loved it because I am a Stephen-King-loving D&D-playing child of the 80s. I didn’t find it interesting enough to get me to watch any more, but I am very clearly a minority in the world.

      1. Rara Avis*

        My kid begged and begged for Netflix, watched 2 1/2 episodes of Stranger Things, and says it’s boring and repetitive.

    2. PX*

      Lol. Literally most things. Game of Thrones. Bridgerton (although I had read the books before so felt like I didnt need the added visuals). Stranger Things. Most of Marvel (although I lived vicariously through fanfiction for most of that). I spend a lot of time on the internet and feel like I enjoy the cultural zeitgeist around many things but have 0 desire or need to ever watch the source material most of the time!

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      If it’s sci-fi, fantasy, horror or a costume drama, it’s unlikely I’ll get into it, no matter how big a phenomenon it is and how long I try to give it a chance for (cue everything PX already mentioned, and many more).

      Line of Duty got a lot of hype in the UK but I found season 1 boring, and couldn’t continue.

      To the risk of sounding unoriginal, my main “people are right about how good this is” TV series is The Wire. I can’t remember why I initially wasn’t interested, but I’m glad I stuck with it, and even more glad it eventually led me to reading Homicide by David Simon, which is probably the best nonfiction book I ever read.

    4. allathian*

      It’s been a while, but I could never get into shows like Friends, Sex and the City, or Ally McBeal. When they were on, I was pretty much the only person in my all-female friend group who didn’t watch them, and my sister was also a fan.

      One cultural phenomenon that really baffles me is reality TV. I do watch some stuff, but not the relationship things like Bachelor/ette or Love Island. My favorite reality TV shows are Love Your Garden, where Alan Titchmarsh and crew fix up the gardens of people, usually either those who’ve dedicated much of their lives to charity work, or people who are living with disabilities of some kind, and Car SOS, where they fix usually classic cars that have been left to rot in a barn for years when their owners are unable to fix them. Those are feel good shows, but I can’t get into the shows that are based on vicarious voyeurism and public humiliation. I just don’t understand the mentality that craves celebrity at any price.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I watched Bridgerton, and thought it would have been better if it had stuck more closely to the books. The second series really dragged with a plot which isn’t in the book. Nevertheless, it was a fantastic looking series.

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        I didn’t like Friends or Sex and the City. Ally McBeal was ok in small doses. Those were all on when I was in my late 20s so you would have thought they were just my speed, but nope.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I quite liked The Repair Shop, in which Jay Blades leads a team of restorers. It’s a celebration of craft, which I found equal parts intriguing and soothing.

        1. Liminality*

          I really enjoyed the repair shop too! I can’t find it anymore though. :( It had moved to Discovery+, but it’s gone from that platform now. Any ideas where it might be now?

      4. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t get those either. The only one I ever got into was Bridezillas, but that one was so obviously fake and over-the-top it was easy to think of it as just antics.

        I do like those shows where they clean and fix up people’s houses, particularly if they’re super run-down or hoarded.

      5. Despachito*

        Seconded – I am physically unable to watch “reality shows” where people are humiliated – I cringe out of secondhand embarassment and cannot understand WHY on earth some people can find it appealing.

        I never watched Friends or Sex in the city, I never even tried, I guess I am prejudiced somehow. I am a huge fan of BBT though.

      6. allathian*

        Another one that I really didn’t get into was Lost. The first season was great, the second was okay, but I completely lost interest (pun intended) early on in the third season when they just kept piling on more mysteries instead of giving satisfactory solutions to the old ones.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I never even started Lost! I got burned by Twin Peaks & didn’t want to repeat the cycle.

    5. UKDancer*

      Game of Thrones. I tried, I really tried and I liked a couple of the characters but I just hated the way they used female nudity as a backdrop for action with seemingly no thought and I just came away feeling thoroughly depressed.

      The other one was Downton Abbey which was really popular with people at work when it was first on. As someone descended from a long line of working class socialists (some of whom were in service during the 1920s) I found it intensely irritating as it seemed to be way too deferential to the upper classes and preoccupied with their doings. I tried twice and had to spend the rest of the evening playing trade union anthems loudly.

      Line of Duty I did enjoy but then I love anything by Jed Mercurio. Trigger Point is also really good in my view.

      1. Atomic Tangerine*

        My husband got an episode or two ahead of me early in season one of GoT; I was totally lost and just lost interest. After hearing everyone crab about the ending I’m pretty glad!

      2. London Calling*

        I spent most of what I watched of Downton picking holes in the historical howlers (and there were plenty, despite what the PR said). Basically they were Lib Dem bank managers in Guildford transplanted to the early 20c.

        1. UKDancer*

          Downton just annoyed me. The 1920s and 1930s were pretty crap for most people and it annoyed me that people would come away with this image of people living in big houses and having close relationships with their staff when most of my family were working in factories and struggling for every penny and while women (for all the pretty frocks) had far fewer rights.

          I’ve got the wrong politics for Downton and too much of a chip on my shoulder.

          1. Irish Teacher*

            As a History teacher in Ireland, I was utterly BAFFLED a few years ago when people were like “I always wanted to live in the ’20s. Hope these will be as awesome,” because…my view of the 20s is massive poverty, slums, a civil war…etc. I get the impression other countries might have more of a focus on the history of the rich or maybe it’s just too much Downton and similar media. But even then, most of us would have been the servants, not the wealthy family.

            I don’t object to films and books about the wealthy back then, but I am well aware that here, a) people were state building and trying to bring a country together after a civil war (and that was from 23/24 on; the first 3 years were straight up war) and b) most people were living in conditions of extreme poverty and independence barely scrapped the surface when it came to dealing with that.

            OK, the first Free State government DID spend like a quarter of the entire country’s budget on a hydroelectric power station, which supplied something like 70% of the country’s power, which is kinda cool when you think that only a tiny percentage of that is supplied by hydroelectricity in Ireland today, nearly 100 years later. But…the cool part is sort of overshadowed by the long list of people shot dead in a brutal civil war.

          2. London Calling*

            A friend and I have a blog that covers that period, and we used to take bets on what Fellowes would glide over as if it didn’t exist – giving women the vote and the General Strike 1926 being two examples. As for the ‘oooh I’d loved to have lived then’ brigade – no, I don’t think you would, especially if you were a woman. Basically it was several years of Fellowes being given free rein to ride his favourite social and political hobby horses.

            Good costumes, though.

        2. Felis alwayshungryis*

          One of my favourites (albeit minor) was the dad asking Mary “so how’s it all going?”. Contemporary phrasing always sticks out for me. Costumes A+, writing C-.

          1. London Calling*

            It got to the point that before a series started we’d have a list of what would happen.

            Carson would be faced with some new-fangled gadget and moan
            Robert would ABSOLUTELY refuse to do something and then do it two episodes later
            Some contemporary reference would be thrown in (AKA ‘JF’s been on wiki again’)
            Someone would manage to say ‘well, we are in x year, after all.’
            Daisy would moan full stop.

            The Guardian had a great column by Viv Groskop. Miles better than the series, esp in the comments.

      4. allathian*

        I enjoyed Dowton Abbey, but I always watched it as a glorified version of the past, not as it really was. I always enjoyed the stories about the servants more than those about the upper class.

        When you’re feeling too annoyed by DA, watch some Upstairs, Downstairs instead. It was made in the early 70s, and it’s been 20 years since I saw it last, but I think that it’s a more honest look at the period 1903-1930. The show may be regarded as a document of the social and technological changes that occurred during those 27 years, including the Edwardian period, women’s suffrage, the Great War, the roaring twenties, and the Wall Street crash. One story that really stuck in my mind was the family chauffeur who became a Socialist and a champion for workers’ rights.

        1. London Calling*

          Downton annoyed me because of the complete waste of dramatic potential. It was covering a period that really hasn’t been dramatised and took place at a pivotal moment socially, politically and culturally; most of which was skated over in favour of ‘wouldn’t Britain be much better if it was still governed by the likes of me, Julian Fellowes, and all my friends who are earls.’

    6. CTT*

      Since the sequel is about to come out – Avatar. I wasn’t super-interested in it when it came out, and then that awards season basically turned into a James Cameron vs Kathryn Bigelow fight for people who get really invested in that sort of thing (which I definitely do), and I was like “well, I’ve picked my side and it’s the one with a female director and small budget.” And so I never ended up seeing it and felt smug about it (context: 21 y.o. and pretentious).

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        That’s mine too. Even as a life-long sci fi fan (albeit literary and thoughtful than action adventure films) , I remember watching the first film in 3D and checking my watch at 45 minutes because I was bored and being dismayed there was more than 2 hours left.

        I thought it was a pretty film but the plot wasn’t that great. Every time there’s a news update about the sequels, I’m reminded that I won’t bother watching those films.

        1. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

          Avatar is essentially “Dances With Wolves” on another planet.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            And they’re both essentially retreads of the White Man Goes Into the Jungle to Save the Natives of the 30s. (And Avatar is weirdly more of that than Dances.)

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Great visuals; boring plot.

          I remember thinking “so the locals are going to use their knowledge of the planet, and the new guy will use his knowledge of the invaders’ tactics…” and it was “Hey, what if we went and asked our fellow invadees if they might want to fight back with us?” No one is showing this film in a history class because it’s such a good illustration of military tactics in specific contexts.

      2. allathian*

        I’ve never even seen it, and I’m not particularly interested either. In general, I don’t enjoy 3D films, it takes a long time for my eyes to adapt, so even with 3D trailers I risk missing much of the first hour, and I usually have a headache afterwards. Not worth it. If Covid killed 3D movies requiring goggles, I won’t mourn them.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Negative:
      Game of Thrones. I had tried the books and was put off by the slow pace and what felt like sadism toward the characters. TV show fixed the first but not the second.
      Borat. I expected to find it hilarious and didn’t crack a smile once. Seemed like a bunch of hapless bystanders nodding along and hoping the very large, very angry man would go away soon.

      Positive:
      Only Murders in the Building. What a delight! And I am not the slightest bit interested in true crime. It’s just so well executed.
      Ted Lasso. A show that’s like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. I especially will note the Keeley-Rebecca bond which I never saw coming, and love to pieces. Also Roy Kent interacting very intensely with tiny girls, who giggle at him.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Only Murders in the Building is one of the best shows overall that I’ve seen in a very long time.

      2. RosyGlasses*

        Strongly agree with both your positives – those shows are truly delightful and very well made. I would add The Bear is also so very good.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Often the more I’m told I have to watch something, the more I resist it. I waited out OMiTB and Ted Lesso for a long time — and joke’s on me, they were great. I fully resisted Bridgerton, Lost, and GoT.

        My didn’t-get-its are The Sopranos and Downtown Abbey.

    8. Golden*

      The Wire seems to be on every “if you love Breaking Bad, you need to watch this next” list and I just could not get into it. The Witcher (show) was fine, but I didn’t think it was anything groundbreaking. Marvel and Star Wars don’t do it for me either.

      For the positive, it took me a couple tries to get into Stranger Things but I did get there! I really enjoyed the most recent season.

      1. Sparkles McFadden*

        Each season of The Wire has a different focus so you might want to give a different season a chance. One season focuses on the dock workers, another season involves politicians, the next highlights the school system, the final season is the media. It’s the same themes in different venues with varied points of view.

        But…it is kind of draining and not something I’d rewatch unless I was introducing it to someone else.

        1. Clisby*

          I loved The Wire until the last season, which derailed into the whole side-plot of a cop inventing this serial killer idea. It was just too ridiculous.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I was annoyed with the inconsistencies of The Wire. For instance, end of season 1 one character was in the hospital with a tracheotomy after multiple bullets to the chest. Next season first episode, same character was hale and hearty with no scars.

    9. Generic Name*

      Basically every popular tv show? I thought game of thrones was rape-y, Stranger Things is hard to watch because my son is the kids age, Sex and the City- they’re all terrible people….

    10. Constance Lloyd*

      I could not get into Mad Men or House of Cards. Unlikeable protagonists aren’t a problem for me, but I just couldn’t get invested in the characters or their storylines.

    11. Russian in Texas*

      This Is Us. Modern Family. Mrs. Maisel.
      I am not at all interested in the family and relationship – based dramas, sitcoms, books, etc. Unless it’s costumed, lol. I always feel like there is just no plot! For Mrs. Maisel the premise just does not interest me at all.
      Sopranos, The Wire – I did not have HBO when both came out, tried to watch later, and just could not get in to either.
      I gave up on The Walking Dead after the season 3 or so.

        1. Russian in Texas*

          The Walking Dead: catastrophe happens, lots of wandering around, find safe place, safe place isn’t safe.
          Lather, rinse, repeat.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m so curious what you do enjoy watching because these are such widely varied examples!

        1. Russian in Texas*

          I am more of an action, sci-fi, and murder shows person! I feel, for me, the TV needs to be plot and not character driven. Examination of human characters make me uncomfortable. I don’t really want to know any characters intimately.
          I don’t like books that do that either.

      3. Clisby*

        I tried to watch the first episode of Mrs. Maisel 3 times, and gave up each time. Boring. Not even knowing Tony Shalhoub would play one of the characters could lure me back.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          There’s an alternate version of Mrs. Maisel in which Shalhoub and Hinkle (who play her parents) follow through on their season 2 idea to stay in Paris. You lose 2 wonderful actors to occasional cameos, but the characters get to burst out of their rut in a way that would be fun to watch and perfectly on theme with their daughter’s journey.

          Instead they return and are shoved into increasingly bizarre side-plots, including each of them in different seasons being completely unconnected to how continuing your current income is desirable, and there are actions that can undermine that, and you’re in your 50s/60s and so this should be a thing that is not a high-velocity cabbage to the face when cause-effect happens.

    12. the cat's ass*

      I’m not a big TV person, so i tend to come to these shows late, if at all. Stranger things left me cold. Bridgerton, great concept and very pretty, but meh.

      Ted Lasso, and Extraordinary Attorney Woo, on the other hand, wonderful!

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Hamilton. I don’t enjoy the music (and I like rap – I just don’t think Hamilton is good rap), I think the way it’s staged is really boring and unimmersive, and while I love the diverse cast it doesn’t change the fact that they’re just telling the story of a bunch of white dudes whose stories were already extremely well-known and glorified.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          No, just Disney+. I don’t get the opportunity for live theater much anymore and I would’ve been so bummed if I’d wasted an outing on it lol

          1. Patty Mayonnaise*

            Ahh okay! I will say that the staging is more interesting in person, though I definitely agree it’s not very interesting (except for one big exception – Angelica’s song during the wedding where they do the big “rewind” is the most impressive piece of staging I’ve ever seen in my life and it was not captured AT ALL on film). I don’t disagree about the old white guys either!

    14. Dark Macadamia*

      Positive: I didn’t watch Schitt’s Creek for a long time because I felt like I always saw the same couple of quotes/gifs that weren’t very funny and thought “this is the funniest thing in the whole show? ugh” but I finally gave it a try and LOVED it. Fans will often say you have to give it a chance for awhile to get into it but I was hooked from the first episode. I still don’t think the “fold in the cheese” scene is all that great though lol

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Same – it took my hubby and I three false starts before we became addicted. I think you have to get past episodes 1-4 and then it becomes more of a hook than the awkward schtick it feels like at the beginning.

    15. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      I’ve tried a few times to get into Schitt’s Creek & I can’t seem to stick with it. Same with Grey’s Anatomy & Big Bang Theory.

      Severance, Hacks, and The Wire all lived up to the hype for me.

    16. Atomic Tangerine*

      The Expanse. After watching season 1 (admittedly great) I started reading the books and the series just didn’t do it for me anymore. The characters are just so much more relatable and likable in the books and the world building is amazing. It befuddles me that everyone raves about the tv show and not the books.

      Also, after years of hearing how funny and awesome The Big Bang Theory was, when I watched it…it was a sitcom with a laugh track. That type of show isn’t my cup of tea, so that was disappointing.

      1. Russian in Texas*

        The books were fantastic. And yes, 100% cliche, they are better than the series.
        But as far as modern sci-fi TV goes, it’s still head and shoulders above the most, even if it’s behind the books. So everything in comparison?

        1. Alucius*

          It helped that the Expanse authors were also very very involved in the show. One of them (Ty Franck) did a youtube podcast series with the actor who played Amos (Wes Chatham) and occasionally talked about how and why changes to the material got made.

          I watched the show and read the books at about the same time, so the main book characters all look like their respective actors in my brain

      2. Clara Bicarbonate*

        Oddly, I’m the opposite. I honestly hate the way books 3+ are written versus the way the show had adapted them. It helps that I freaking adore the cast.

    17. Texan In Exile*

      Seinfeld has never appealed to me. I have tried, but I don’t think it’s funny.

      And I couldn’t even read Game of Thrones, much less watch it. I get annoyed when the characters’ names are so bizarre that I can’t remember who’s who.

      1. allathian*

        I watched it, but I have no wish to see it again. I even enjoyed the last season that was panned by a large number of fans who loved the earlier seasons.

        But I can’t get into the books, gave up half way through the first one. It’s like I can deal with, and even enjoy, any amount of gory violence on screen because I know it’s fake. But when I read it, I get an emotional, visceral reaction that I never get from visual media. It makes me nauseous and I can’t continue reading, nor do I want to.

    18. TPS reporter*

      I’ve never seen or read any Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. And so bored by Stranger Things and Bridgerton.

      1. Nack*

        Oh I could never get into Lord of the Rings. I have never made it through the first movie without falling asleep- even as a teenager!

      2. Golden*

        How did I forget Harry Potter?! My mom tried to read it to me when I was a child (she didn’t know anything about it other than it was A Thing), and I was like…nah. I’ve never tried to read it again, and maybe seen bits and pieces of most of the movies but am still like…nah.

        1. Despachito*

          With Hary Potter, I was a fan until the fifth book, of both the books and the series. Then… my interest suddenly dropped to zero, and I felt reluctant either to read the books or see the films.

          Oh, and a positive one – I recently fell deeply in love with Penn and Teller – Fool us.

      3. Silence*

        Lord of the rings feels like it uses every tired cliche and trope. It may have been the start of the genra but felt like a remix when I tried to read it.

        Harry Potter I liked the first book but several books later he still reacting like a 10 year old, no personal growth or learning anything.

    19. Sosueme*

      Ooooo, fun topic.
      I recently watched the first episode of Outlander. Meh. I was amazed I didn’t like it, but I found it incredibly boring. I also don’t like Seinfeld. The characters are so mean. On the other hand, I went from not liking Firefly at first to being a big fan.

      1. Russian in Texas*

        I watched the first season of Outlander and read the first book, and didn’t care to continue.

    20. cat socks*

      Breaking Bad. I watched the series and thought it was good, but not amazing as others have made it out to be

    21. Mimmy*

      I could never get into Game of Thrones (much to my husband’s surprise). He occasionally shows me certain scenes if they’re particularly shocking, such as the Red Wedding, and I enjoy those a little.

      Shows that I’ve resisted but then gave a try and liked: House of Cards and The Queen’s Gambit

      1. Clisby*

        I think the British version of House of Cards is awesome. The American version, not so much. That is, I thoroughly enjoyed the first season of American HOC; season 2 was good; after that it was clear the producers/directors had no idea where they were going with this show.

    22. Irish Teacher*

      Pretty much anything that was a cultural phenomonum, except Glenroe in its day. I…don’t really watch much TV. Currently, I watch Fair City and the odd film or documentary (and by “the odd,” I mean…one every month or two). I watch maybe 2-3 hours of TV a week.

    23. Paddy O'Furniture*

      Transparent (Loved Maura, couldn’t stand her children.); This is Us; Top Gun: Maverick; Sex and the City. It took a while before I could get into Midsomer Murders (I found it difficult to get into the English black humor at first, but after a while I loved it).

  27. Still*

    If I were in her shoes and got a gift from you, I’d then be stressed that now I’m gonna be expected to give you gifts for your birthday, Christmas, etc. I’d probably also wonder if I was supposed to buy a gift as a thank you for hosting.

    I think I’d be wary of setting any gift-giving expectations when the relationship is this new.

  28. matcha123*

    When you are learning something new, how do you ask questions?
    Throughout my life, I’ve run into this assumption that we all have questions and we just ask them when we need clarification. And it makes sense, I guess. But I’ve always struggled with asking questions. In school, kids would be teased for asking questions deemed “stupid,” or on something the teacher just explained.

    In my adult life, I find it very hard to ask questions and to figure out what and when I should ask them. Generally, I’ll work through something, then flip through my notes, Google, ponder whether or not I am an idiot, and then spend an hour or more trying to think of a way to phrase my question in a way that makes sense to the person I’ll be asking for help from.

    I guess I should add that as I’m taking a course or something, I am in a constant state of “I don’t know if I get this or not,” so I find it very difficult gauging when to ask for help and when to search a little more on my own.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh this is a tough one. I relate to wondering if my question is stupid or not, too. Some of that will pass with time, so this can be worked through imo.

      I do think there is merit to the question, “What have you tried?”. So generally, I try to do at least one thing before I ask. In some instances working through a second example can help me to gather my understanding. But that second example is not always an option. Yes, try something.

      I had a cool thing come up at one workplace. Neither my boss or I were techies. Okay we weren’t that good with computers. My boss landed on, “If you can’t figure it out in 15 minutes, then at the 15 minute mark call for help.”
      Setting time limits for how long you will search is another idea.

      But as a homeowner, calling for help can mean big bucks. It has taken time but I now have a higher awareness of what my friends do and how much help they can offer. One time my fridge was making loud, continuous noise. I called a friend who has a background in HVAC. He said, “Unplug the fridge, I will wait while you do that!” I saved a repair call and went directly to buying a new fridge. (Probably kept my house from burning down?) All I needed to do was hold the phone next to the noisy fridge.
      Talking to other people is another step to consider.

      Course work, I tend to add more time for struggling. I hope you laugh, but I tend to think that I am taking the class in order to face the struggle. No pain, no gain. Perhaps you can find supplemental materials or the prof can recommend some. You can also post your topic of study here and this awesome group will have some ideas for you I am sure.

      “I don’t know if I get this or not”. Hmmm. I have always felt that if I think this, then by default the answer is “I don’t get it.” Calculus and Chemistry were two subjects where I routinely said, “I don’t get this.” In the end, I had no choice to conclude that these two subjects were just not for me. Because very seldom do I say, “I don’t get this” every five minutes through out the course. Comparing to how you do in other courses, might provide clues. I normally say, “I don’t get this”, so here the frequency of how often I say it is the telltale.

      I do have a tendency to dive too deep on things. For example, if you are taking a general science course, double check to see if you aren’t expecting yourself to understand something on the same level as say a brain surgeon or an astrophysicist. It is possible to dig too deep and cause our own agony. Here you can ask yourself, “What is the learning experience here that is actually expected?”

      I have gone to smaller schools where the profs are very accessible. Sometimes talking to the prof really helped me to get a handle on how much of the course work I should be comprehending. Like when the prof said, “Oh, no, that is a Calc II level question- not this level”, then I knew that I was not as far off track as I thought.

      Last. Self talk. I have trained a lot of people. A lot. The ones with the sucky self talk had a harder time. We think what we tell ourselves does not matter. But it does and in some instances it can even be seen by others. If you can’t say it to a friend then you can’t say it to yourself either. Think. How long would you keep a friend if you asked them if they were an idiot? Not long, right? Don’t do that to your own self. Take some deep breaths. Walk away for five minutes and drink some water or have a small snack.

    2. Lasslisa*

      I think for adults at least, the only questions we’ll really roll our eyes at are if you just weren’t listening and aren’t humble about it. Even if you missed something people are happy to explain (within reason).

      For something open ended like “do I get this or not”, if you feel like you don’t get it I’d take that as a meaningful signal! Keep turning it over and thinking about it and talking with classmates or the instructor, it’ll help you integrate the knowledge so you aren’t just doing plug-and-play (for example).

    3. RagingADHD*

      I ask sooo many questions, not only because interviewing people is part of my job, but in all parts of life because I’m very curious.

      I also frequently blip out on conversations, or otherwise miss things that leave me confused.

      I learned fairly early that I could get rewarded for sounding “diligent” by asking questions very seriously and unapologetically:

      Hang on, I’m not sure I follow you.
      Let me just check my understanding here.
      How so?
      Can we go over that again?
      Can you tell me more about how X connects to Y?
      I think I understand A and B, but I’m not sure how we get to C, can you help me with that?

      And in casual settings, I’ll say things like, “Wait, I missed something. Where are going with this?”
      Or “can you help me?”
      Or “Whoa, I’m lost.”

      At work in other types of jobs or in areas that aren’t interviewing, I assess how long to spend looking for an answer on my own based on

      1) how likely it is that there will even be an answer or solution I can get on my own;
      2) how long it takes to do the thing in the first place.
      3) the time constraints or other duties of the person I would ask.

      So like, spending three hours looking for an answer for a twenty minute task is a bad use of time. Also, If answering this type of question is part of someone’s job description, I’m not going to bust my hump to avoid asking.

      OTOH, if it’s my job description to get things done on someone’s behalf so they can focus on something else, I will go to great lengths to avoid asking them (probably by asking other people).

      I think those early experiences are so important. I can’t imagine a schoolteacher making fun of students for asking questions. Well, I can, but it’s awful. I’m sorry you were put in that situation. People like that shouldn’t be teachers at all.

    4. LG*

      When I teach someone new things, I always end with “there’s no such thing as a stupid question”. Then as soon as they ask me something, I say “except for that question, that’s really stupid”. I have never failed to make someone laugh when doing that. Whenever I need to ask something, I quite often preface it with saying “this may be a stupid question, but…” I find most people will answer that while reassuring you it’s not a stupid question at all.

    5. Laika*

      I struggled with the “I don’t know if I get this or not” feeling a lot in my last school program. Silly to admit but I get frustrated easily when things don’t come to quickly and as an adult it was almost enough to make me quit the course. I found it helped a lot to figure out if I actually needed to ask a question at all–sort of a “figure out what you don’t know and if you even need to know if” thing. In a school course, there’s usually an instructor to teach the class: they’re literally there to answer questions, so keeping that in mind can help ease the feeling of “I SHOULD know this…” (you shouldn’t! No one knows everything, people learn things all the time, questions are normal and natural). But by myself it can be harder to figure out if it’s something I actually need to be investigating at all, and generally I’ve found that just comes with experience over time.

      Giving myself permission to sit with discomfort of not knowing helped a lot. This was really tough for me, but reframing it as, “I don’t know this and I should know this by this point, but I just need to wait a while and the understanding might come” helped a ton. I didn’t get the stressy feeling of, “ugh, I need to be troubleshooting my ignorance”, and once I delineated for myself what I understand/didn’t instead then I could let that guide where I put my energies. (When I did this the first time I thought it would mean I’d spend more time working with the stuff I didn’t understand but as it turned out I just gave myself permission to say “well, this isn’t my jam” and excel at things I DID understand, and the whole program actually got a lot easier, since I continued to passively absorb information about things I didn’t get and eventually some of them just clicked without me wasting a bunch of time on research/Google/question formulation)

    6. TeaFiend*

      Lately I’ve started saying “Okay I think I get what you’re saying, I’d like to just repeat it to you in my own words to check that I do understand” because if I can’t explain it then I don’t understand it.

    7. matcha123*

      Thank you all for the replies. It’s helpful to see how others approach asking questions! Repeating steps back, especially when I’m one-on-one with the teacher might be a good place to start.

      1. Despachito*

        Please factor in that people generally like being asked questions on a subject they understand, and are happy to explain (within reason, of course).

        If you already invested some effort in finding out yourself, I see virtually no reason why anyone would be annoyed (rather than flattered), and if they are, it is a them problem, not a you problem. Ask away, and I bet you will be pleasantly surprised. Most people like explaining things and feeling like an expert :-)

  29. Angstrom*

    I think there’s more general awareness now that people have different learning styles, so teachers are more receptive if someone asks “Could you explain this differently? I’n not getting x…..”. If you know your own learning style, ask for what works for you. Draw it? Relate it to something you know? Have the instructor demonstrate?

    Specific questions show that you’ve tried to work it out on your own. “I don’t get it” sounds lame. “I understand a, b& c, but don’t see how e determines f” shows that you’re making an effort.

    Most people are happy to help someone who’s obviously doing the work to try to learn something new. Newbie enthusiasm can also be delightful. “This is so cool! I’ve got a ton of questions!” will be a gift, not a burden for the right person.

  30. Kate*

    I signed up to take a four day intensive course for an old hobby of mine, and I HATE it. Like I am literally counting down the hours until it’s done.

    I’ve thought (a lot) about it, and it’s not the hobby itself, the instructor, or the other participants.

    I think it’s just that there are very, very few hobbies that I would ever enjoy enough to treat them like a job (9-5, every day, only a short break for lunch, rain or shine).

    Do you have any hobbies you enjoy that much? Tell me!

    1. eh*

      Folding origami cranes.

      I fold a thousand and send them to Hiroshima every once and a while. When I get into it, I can do it to the point where it hurts my hands. I just have to be in the mood

      1. OyHiOh*

        I’ve folded two 1000 crane projects, and started a third, in the past two years. The last time I clocked myself, I could fold one in under four minutes. The problem is where/how to store projects when complete.

        I had no idea I could send cranes to Hiroshima! This nicely solves the problems of want to fold cranes, have no idea what to do with them. TKS!!

        1. eh*

          if you don’t unfold them completely, its super easy to do strings of 100 and then you can get the address from the page for the A bomb memorial/children’s memorial (last I looked anyway, I’ve been sitting on this set of a thousand for a few years cause i keep getting distracted)

          I’ve done..4000? maybe 5000. Some of them were with other people (the first 2 times I did it anyway). I don’t really need to look at what I’m doing and can do one in under a minute, it’s just not always the neatest

    2. Boba Feta*

      Darkroom photography! I can (and have) spend 12+ hour days in there just jamming away. Part of it is that some of the processes are timed and so you literally cannot go home until you’ve finished the batch and put all the chemicals away, but also, for me, the darkroom is almost like a wormhole where outside time ceases to exist, I’m so into it.

    3. fposte*

      I might be with you on this. I really like taking a break from things, and that’s a big point of hobbies for me. I remember when a friend of mine decided after taking a poetry class that he really wanted to treat poetry as an avocation, not a vocation; I thought that was a very shrewd observation.

      That being said, I’ve obsessively played music for that long some days on my own. I just am not sure that my desire to do so would conveniently coincide with the days I’ve committed to do so.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I wish I could do that for miniatures. I would love to go to a mini convention with panels and workshops, but I would definitely want to wait until I can buy things, because I know the dealer’s room would be the death of my wallet, haha. I would like to learn more about building room boxes or houses, especially in terms of kit-bashing (using kits or parts of kits in a way contrary to the instructions).

      Tangentially related, the most I ever spent on a miniature was $80 for a Bodo-Hennig gramophone. It plays music and everything. :)

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I have a couple of friends who recently got into miniatures and the things they make are amazing!

    5. PsychNurse*

      No but I can totally relate. I like birdwatching! (“Birding” if you’re pretentious.). So my husband got me a trip to a birdwatching festival. It was lovely. There were guided walks throughout the day, like 9-11 am, then 12-2, then 3-5pm. I discovered that two hours of looking at birds is PLENTY for a day. But there were many people there who would get up before dawn for a 6am bird walk, and continue until sunset. I was amazed by those people.

  31. rr*

    So, it seems like there are a lot of cat/animal lovers on the board.

    Please tell me about distinguishing stray cats from “neighborhood cats” and making friends with the former (I think the cat in question is clearly not feral, in this particular instance).

    I live on a fairly busy street and we have a lot of cats wandering around. We’ve taken 4, placed 3 that I was able to make friends with – or at least grab pretty easily (though 2 of these didn’t really need much coaxing at all – they wanted to come in pretty badly) and I still have severe regrets and guilt about the cat that I wasn’t able to make friends with despite him coming around for more than a year before finally disappearing. Now we have another cat who I’d like to befriend and who seems like a stray to me. But I don’t really know how to distinguish. He seems VERY scrawny, eats a ton of the food that I put out when he does come (I used to give the cats outside both wet and dry food, but now I only give dry, because one of the cats that we took in had problems with her teeth, possibly from the wet food I fed her while she was outside), and is very, very nervous when I venture out to feed him. Beyond what I think a socialized cat would be at this point, considering that I’ve been feeding him for, oh, more than six months when he comes. But he doesn’t come all time either, or even very frequently (that I see, anyway).

    I’ve checked Craiglist, of course, but is there any other method? Part of the reason we ended up with the cat with the teeth problems is that I was convinced that she would become pregnant if we didn’t take her inside. But it turned out that she had already been spayed. But I’m still convinced she wasn’t anybody’s cat. She was here every single day, day in and out, for greater than six months.

    Also, how do I get this cat to be less frightened of me? I’d sit outside and hang out, but he doesn’t want me to do that and I want him to eat when he’s here, which he won’t do if I go outside. Do I go back to the wet food as temptation? Maybe getting him inside is the more important part than worrying about his teeth. But I’d like to do both and I’m not sure it would matter with this cat, since I can’t even be outside at the same time without him taking off. The only progress I’ve made is that one time I went outside to get something and he ran away, but came back pretty quickly after. Does it change anything that I’d want to place him, not keep him (we really can’t take him right now, for a variety of reasons)?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Feral is a spectrum, and little dude sounds pretty feral.

      Where I live, the rule is that if you have been feeding a cat for 30 days, you have the right to get it vetted and treat it like it’s yours. We also talked to our neighbors to figure out who has seen them, or if they might belong to someone. And if a cat is known to be feral, anyone can take them to the vet.

      If he’s skinny and super hungry, I’d certainly start offering wet food, twice a day if possible, at fairly consistent times of day. I wouldn’t try actively befriending him until he is associating you with the food by showing up on schedule and watching you bring it out.

      As a matter of fact, before you try to befriend him, if he’s intact, I recommend using the wet food to trap him and get him the snip. He will be (understandably) mad at you when you release him, but as long as you are consistent with the food he will come back around. And he’s likely to be a bit calmer and put on weight better after he’s fixed.

      If you have other pets, don’t bring a stray/feral inside until they’ve been to the vet for an exam and shots, and you can quarantine them.

      The very skittish Mama cat that we’ve been feeding for a year and trapped with her babies, is now comfortable enough to come eat inside and be petted a bit.

      It can take a lot of time. For us, once she saw us as a reliable source of food and not competition or a threat, the next stage was to give her some toys and play with her.

      Feral cats are in survival mode and don’t get the chance to play much. When she was well fed and willing to turn her back on us or have a bath in our presence, then she started to enjoy playing with us. She will rub our legs and purr.

      But she still won’t tolerate having the door shut, and she will swipe you if you reach to pet her head. So we just let her do her thing. Maybe she’ll feel differently once it’s cold out.

    2. Qwerty*

      NextDoor is commonly used for lost/found pets. You could also check if Facebook has any groups specific to your neighborhood or one of the neighboring ones, apparently those are becoming popular in subdivisions.

      Check if there are any cat rescues or cat-specific adoption centers in your area that can help you with advice on both making sure a cat is a stray and how to catch him. They’d probably be able to check if the cat has a microchip once you get him and help with placing him.

    3. cat socks*

      You can post pictures on Facebook, NextDoor and Pet FBI ad a “found cat” to see if anyone claims him.

      Can you get a look at his backside to see if he still has his parts? I’ve done that with a couple of cats. If they are not neutered, I assume they are strays.

      You could try the wet food to see if that helps. Instead of being outside with him, are you able to sit behind a sliding door or something so he can see you behind a barrier?

      Another option is to trap him. It may be that he is a feral cat who may not be a candidate for socialization. You can search for TNR in your area. It’s possible a rescue organization could lend you a humane trap. A drop trap works great too. The site alleycat dot org has lots of tips and resources.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Have you thought about feeding some wet food and some dry food? That might give them the best of both worlds.

      You might reach out to a cat rescue place nearby and find out what they recommend.

      Would it be reasonable to act like this is a lost-and-found cat, putting up flyers, posting on NextDoor, etc.?

    5. Despachito*

      I have no advice but I remember a friend who had a cat she considered hers – she acquired him, he lived in her house, was fed by her regularly, and sometimes disappeared for a short period of time but always come back. And then she found out there was another family in her neighbourhood that genuinely thought the cat was theirs – apparently when he disappeared, it was to their house, where he lived, was fed etc.

      After that, I have always been wondering how anyone can tell an outdoor cat coming regularly to your house is a stray.

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      In that situation, I have put a collar on the cat, with my phone number and a note. I’ve done that twice; once I got a phone call from the cat’s other family, the other went unclaimed and got to come inside for the winter. But these were both socialized cats that I could handle.

  32. Falling Diphthong*

    Adjustment to screen-distance trifocals: asking for experience/advice

    Background: I am extremely nearsighted. Started needing bifocals (distance/reading) maybe 12 years ago, and was surprised how easy and seamless the adjustment was.

    At my last optometrist visit we determined my eyes had shifted slightly, and I thought I’d probably wait until next year to get new glasses. But doc mentioned the computer-distance ones as I spend a lot of time on a laptop, and the price was good so I figured it would be worth trying–I’d heard good things. These are actually a trifocal–small print at bottom, screen distance large middle, distance top.

    The large section in the middle is great for the screen–not just clarity, but text on screen is larger. Bottom section for reading would be fine, though in practice I tend to be wearing the old glasses. But I’m finding that I look up from the computer and use distance more than I would have expected, and I’m not normally looking at stuff somewhat above my head. After an hour my eyes hurt, so I’ve been trying to use them for a bit and then take a break. I think I want to just use them sitting at the screen, and swap when I go to make tea or do anything else.

    Complicating factor I hadn’t considered–I tend to move around with the laptop during the day. Carrying the case to my new location is a hard habit to learn. I think I could learn it if sufficiently motivated, and am trying to determine how hard to work at this.

    Anyone have screen-distance glasses? How do they work for you, how was the adjustment? Should I just leave them by the laptop charger and persevere to get in habit of using them at computer? Or is struggle with these a sign that they aren’t a good match for me and I should stick with bifocals, which I just put on my face in the morning and don’t touch until I go to bed?

    1. Lizabeth*

      I got a screen distance only pair (about an arm’s length away – that’s how my main computer is set up) when I first got trifocals years ago on the recommendation of a friend and never looked back. I work in front of a computer all day and very near sighted as well. For my laptop if I don’t have my screen distance glasses on I usually take my trifocals off and for reading books as well – it’s easier and less annoying than trying to read with the trifocals.

      Hope this helps!

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I ended up getting three pairs of glasses. One is for everyday use. The other two are identical prescriptions for the screen and reading.

      It didn’t work for me to have just one set. Both prescriptions are progressive lenses which I love. Like you, I didn’t want to shlep my computer glasses everywhere. This was pre-pandemic and I got one set for home and one for my office. Given that you move your laptop around during the day, it might work for you to have a pair that stay at home and one that you tote with you during the day.

      I understand that getting multiple glasses is more expensive. I’ve made it work with watching for two-for-one deals offered by LensCrafters, and reusing my old frames whenever I need an updated prescription. That’s reduced the expense for multiple pairs.

    3. Girasol*

      I tried trifocals and found myself nodding my head up and down because the screen lens was so narrow. Nowadays I depend on my near-sightedness for close-up and leave the glasses off to sew or read, and use the whole bifocal lens for the computer. That’s working really well, though I’m starting to struggle a bit with sewing without glasses. (And I have had to have long discussions with the optician who assures me that It’s Not Supposed To Work Like That.)

    4. allathian*

      I have computer glasses as well, but they’re bifocals, with the bottom and middle set for computer work and the top for distance viewing, but only up to about 4 meters/13 ft away. I touch type, so I don’t need to see the keyboard clearly all the time, and if I need to refer to something on in small print on paper, I just take my glasses off for a while.

      I got my computer glasses when I realized that I kept craning my neck to look at the computer screen through the reading part of my normal bifocals.

      I used to be fairly nearsighted, but now I can use public transit without wearing my glasses, which really helped, because I can’t wear a mask and my glasses at the same time, they just fog up.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      I have office-distance bifocals, where the top is good for 10-12 feet and the bottom is for reading. They’re progressives, and I can read the screen okay with them with maybe a little tild for tiny print. Then I can get up and do something in the house and not be blind.

  33. The Other Dawn*

    What kinds of heat-and-eat meal delivery services have you tried? Did you like them? I know there have been posts about these from time to time, but I’m specifically asking about ones where the meals are ready to heat. I’m not interested in the ones I’d have to cook.

    The background: I had weight loss surgery about nine years ago. I lost a ton of weight and was eating well. I had lumbar fusion right when the pandemic started. Between recovery; the pandemic; being miserable at work; and the start of new chronic hip and back pain, which is still going on, I’ve gained back some weight and my eating habits are terrible. I have zero motivation to cook, muchless eat right. I buy decent food, either already made or to cook, and it sits in the fridge or freezer, hardly being touched. I have an Instant Pot, which isn’t getting any use anymore. I can’t even seem to manage a rotisserie chicken–I buy it, but then it feels like too much effort to cut it up for use during the week so it sits in the fridge. I pretty much live on pretzels/crackers, homemade iced mocha lattes, the occasional string cheese, yogurt, or eggs (if I’m ambitious enough), and takout.

    So, I’d like to start eating better, but can’t seem to get myself to do it by way of cooking. I’m suddenly seeing lots of meal services in my social media feeds (Factor, Green Chef, Hungry Root, etc.), and figured maybe that’s a way to get myself started and build a little momentum. They look good, but the reviews seem too much on the positive side to be believable. Hardly any negative reviews at all, so the company is likely deleting anything negative.

    The only one I’ve tried, and only because it was gifted to me by my employer when I was recovering, is Freshly. It was okay, but I don’t think I’d spend that money on that.

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I haven’t tried any of those delivery services, but it’s there any reason you haven’t tried regular grocery store frozen foods? I think they’d be less expensive since you’re avoiding speedy shipping, and a decent size grocery store would have a larger selection.

      There’s a lot of tasty, heathy-ish options, depending on what you like. I usually add a handful of frozen veggies, canned beans, or something like that to increase the nutrients and fiber while lowering the overall sodium a bit.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve occasionally found frozen dinners that aren’t bad, but often I find they include pasta, which I don’t eat anymore (weight loss surgery), or are loaded with sugar (can’t handle a lot of sugar anymore) because of the sauces or other things they put in it. Once I factor out those things, I find the selection isn’t great. When I went shopping a couple weeks ago I noticed a brand called Tattooed Chef on sale. They were all plant-based, and there were breakfast bowls and lunch/dinner bowls. The descriptions sounded good, so I grabbed a few. I haven’t yet tried them, though.

        1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

          That makes sense. If rice and legumes are okay you may have more luck looking at Mexican and Indian meals. You can also get shelf stable pouches of rice, quinoa, and stuff like beans or curry that you just heat and eat.

          Even subbing pre-chopped veggie sticks and hummus or topping crackers with seasoned tuna is a step up from just snacking on pretzels and crackers alone. Maybe on a good day you’d be up for tossing a dozen eggs in the Instant Pot? Hard cooked eggs are an easy way to get some protein.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, that’s my main use for the Instant Pot (eggs). LOL I just haven’t been motivated to do it–it’s been that bad! I also use it to make huge batches of seasoned brown rice (similar to Rice-a-Roni), but that’s mostly for my husband. I do eat rice and quinoa, but, like pasta, it will fill me very quickly. I like the idea of Mexican and Indian meals, and I’ve seen those at the grocery store. Thanks–I didn’t even think of that!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I like this idea. It’s not quite as healthy as a rotisserie chicken, but if avoiding the “Ugh, I have to cut this up now?!” feeling is worth it, maybe a container of frozen fried chicken? Dump part out of container into microwave or toaster oven and heat.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Or like frozen white meat chicken strips? Some of them are pre-cooked.

    2. Katie*

      You may have luck in finding a local service. My husband and I used one for a while and were happy with them. (It happened to be our neighbor so we didn’t particularly search to find one).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That jogged my memory. I remember seeing something like that before the pandemic; however, it just wasn’t something I was looking to do at the time. I’ll have to see if it’s still there. There was one just up the road and I’d gone there a couple times, but they’ve moved several towns over. May be worth a drive, though.

    3. Elle Woods*

      We tried Hello Fresh about four years ago from a friend’s referral code. We ordered three meals but only made two; both were easy to prepare and tasty. That said, there were things that contributed to our reluctance to do a paid subscription (TONS of packaging, some ingredients were spoiled).

      One thing I have noticed is that more and more grocery stores are offering meal kits that don’t require much prep at all (mostly heat and eat). You could also grab pre-cut veggies or fruit to add as a side or snack. Might be something to look for at your next trip to the store.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        local restaurants might do this, too! i used to work in one that had pre-made meals for people to order ahead of time, and then pick up on the specific day. i think they had the menu be a couple different plate options, and then the person could pick which one they wanted. the restaurant also has soups to go, which i got a lot when i worked there. :) but the salt in soups might be an issue.

    4. Qwerty*

      I was going to recommend Freshly, but sounds like you aren’t into it.

      It sounds like part of the issue could be nutrition levels – I’ve been there, and its a positive feedback loop where I eat crappy because I don’t have the energy to cook; can’t eat due to a migraine which ends up triggering another migraine, etc. How do you feel about protein shakes? I like the taste of the chocolate slimfast plus it has vitamins. Sometimes its my whole meal, other times I just have a few sips, wait ~30min and then I have the ability to make a sandwich or something.

      The grocery store may have what you are looking for, if you have time one day to look around. My Meijer has trays in meat department that you put directly in the over – some are just meat, like salmon fillets, others might be a chicken breast + veggies. My Kroger has a bunch of frozen dishes in the seafood department, like salmon on a bed of chickpeas and zucchini. Kroger also has pre-mixed stir fry bags in the produce department – I add canned chicken as my protein. I also occasionally see mixes for the instant pot in the meat section at both stores but I haven’t tried them.

      I’m also going to plug frozen veggies as a good thing to keep on hand. Get the kind in the steamable bags, so that you only have to toss it in the microwave. Still not a full meal, but it least has nutrients so step in the right direction. A bowl of broccoli has been my dinner on many occasions…

      1. The Other Dawn*

        One of the grocery stores I go to sells some pre-made meals; however, all of them have pasta. It’s not that I hate pasta – it just fills me up too much and I shouldn’t be eating it anyway. (Obviously shouldn’t be eating the prestzels, either…) I buy them for my husband sometimes, though. The other store used to sell them, and also had meal kits, but they’ve eliminated those since the pandemic. I do have Whole Foods about 20 minutes away, so I could see if their prepared foods bar is back. It wasn’t like time I checked.

    5. acmx*

      ( Freshly but noticed you tried them). Also, HungryRoot but that requires some cooking but pretty simple. But I liked it a bit less. I think they’re trying to be more on the healthy or organic side and some products didn’t appeal as much. But it wasn’t bad. I’ve done HelloFresh and to me, that’s quite a bit of cooking as compared to HR.

      Also, in my area, (Publix) has pre-made meals. Kroger does, too. So maybe your local grocery store has them, too? I usually found them in the deli area and/or meat.

      I have no motivation to cook or think about meal planning. I recently hired a RD to help meal plan and eat better. So alternately, you could follow myplate dot gov (my RD is using that as a basis. I am too lazy atm to do that for myself lol)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve always been amazed by people who can do meal planning. It seems like some big complicated mystery to me for some reason. I don’t enjoy cooking, which I’m sure is a big part of the problem. I used to think I enjoyed it, but really what I enjoyed was watching the cooking channel and picking up the knowledge along the way, thinking one day I’d be motivated to put it to use.

        1. acmx*

          Yeah, it seems complicated to me, too!

          This is my first week with the RD. I’m really hoping to come away with about 4 weeks of meal ideas that I don’t have to think about lol

    6. Asenath*

      I don’t know about meal services as such, but have you thought about looking at smaller grocery stores in your area? We’ve got one that sells heat and serve meals that they make on the premises, and the quality is much better than similar options offered by the major grocery chains. So, alas, is the price, but they’re worth it. Other cities must have similar businesses. A local restaurant does something similar – I don’t mean home delivery of their menu items, although they offer that and full-scale catering, but they have a small range of prepared meals you can bring home and heat up. I think last time I got something from them I had to pre-order and then pick them up, whereas the small grocery has a wider selection available whenever they’re open, and also supply some of their means to other local businesses.

    7. Cindy*

      I started on Nutrisystem near the beginning of the pandemic. I couldn’t convince myself to cook for myself, living alone. I was able to lose weight when I was seriously following the plan and eating a bunch of salad along with the meals. I got tired of that and regained the weight over time. Now I delay the order to be every 8 weeks instead of 4. I order a bunch of frozen meals to microwave for lunches and dinners which I add additional frozen veggies. I use the food bars for mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks. I got tired of the shelf-stable meals very quickly, and now I don’t order them.
      My typical breakfast is toast with almond butter and a banana.
      I recently bought an air fryer, but it still takes more prep time than I’m interested in doing.
      If I could keep myself from pizza and ice cream, I’d probably be able to lose some weight.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      I was looking into this for a family member and found mosaic meals which looks pretty good. It is plant based but they seem to have a good variety of meals.

    9. Bibliovore*

      I am in the same place since Mr. Bibliovore died and I have been experiencing chronic pain issues. AAM commentariat gave me lots of suggestions.
      What has been working sort of for me.
      Having stuff around I like to eat. I am not good at planning 3 meals and 2 snacks anymore. I don’t cook. I can’t face anything Mr. Bibliovore loved. I can’t cook for just me.
      Lettuce just rots in the fridge. I just threw out moldy cucumbers.
      Giving myself permission NOT to eat the healthy way I used to. Only eating what I want. For example a couple days ago for dinner, I had an ear of corn that I made in the microwave for dinner and TJ dumplings.

      Smoothies- Either with protein powder or Benefibre (TMI) One frozen banana, 1/2 cup plain yogurt, 1/2 cup trader joes tangerine juice or 1/2 cup of pineapple/orange juice . (sometimes I put in a skinned ripe peach or some frozen pineapple.)

      coffee latte with sour dough toast and an egg over easy.

      Main meal everyday- might be breakfast, might be lunch, might be dinner.
      Rice either made in rice cooker (the dogs are on chicken and rice right now) or frozen packet of rice from trader joes- about a 1/2 cup.
      An egg over easy OR soy egg (google momofuko soy egg, Food 52,) or a protein like marinated tofu- NYtimes has a marinated silken tofu with soy and sesame recipe or slice cooked brat. (or if I had take out whatever is left over)
      About a half cup of chopped kimchi- my favorite is Mother-in Laws.
      some marinated ginger
      About a t-spoon of chili crunch oil
      If I am feeling vegetables, use stasher bags and chop up kale or zucchini or broccoli rabe and steam in the microwave.

      I heat the rice. fry or cut up the egg. Dump everything else in the bowl while the rice heats in the microwave.
      Mix it together. Sprinkle with furikake.

      Already made tostados with TJ shredded cheese and cowboy beens and chopped tomatoes sometimes is just fine.

      I also give myself permission to eat snacks as needed 1/2 cup of cheerios. or soup dumplings from trader joes or a chunk of parmesan.

      I do move on a lot of food- I get excited at whole foods in the moment or Trader Joes or the farmers market. Then realize I am never going to eat those things. Fortunately I teach and the student workers in my department will take anything. I like the idea of an apple. I just can’t bring myself to eat one. I toss a lot bread.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        So sorry you’re struggling, though I’m glad you’re finding things that are working for you right now. With the breads that keep going bad, maybe slice and then put them in the freezer? They can last a long time that way until you feel up to eating them.

      2. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Bibliovore, first off, thank you for sharing about your loss. Your grief and love come through so starkly, and as someone who has lost a number of folks this past year, including 2 just this month, I really appreciate it, and I want you to know you’re not alone.

        I think the permission to just not eat as healthy as before is such great advice. I know for me sometimes just keeping body and soul together has to be enough– can’t get fancy with the how, and feeling guilty about not eating the “right” things doesn’t help a bit.

        1. Bibliovore*

          If you search for my name in the archive, you can see all the help that I got from everyone here.
          Especially helpful was the book, its okay not to be okay.
          And for me The grieving brain.

        1. Bibliovore*

          oh I wish . The ginger is just jarred sushi ginger. During the worst of the lock-down, I made my own kimchi with lots of ginger.
          Mr. Bibliovore HATED the smell of it. I used to laugh and say “don’t yuck my yum.”

    10. MoMac*

      We did Hello Fresh to teach my son to cook. We did maybe a month and a half but there were a lot of problems with the wrong orders or the wrong ingredients. Next, I did Hungry Root, which I actually liked but DHL was so problematic with deliveries that I had to cancel. I’ve moved now so am considering restarting because I’m closer to a major city. I have been using Daily Harvest, and yes I’m aware of the crumbles issue. Thank goodness I didn’t eat them. I like Daily Harvest a lot. It’s quick, healthy, and easy. The prices have gone up though so I’m wondering if I’m going to stick with them.

    11. Observer*

      Not what you asked, but I think it’s worth mentioning – if you haven’t had this done, you should screen for medical issues and depression. The lack of motivation here is a bit scary. As others have noted nutritional / medical issues can really feed into a very nasty negative cycle.

      Also, a question – what do you actually LIKE to eat. For instance, you mention rotisserie chicken. Do you actually LIKE it, or are buying it because it’s supposed to be good for you? If you do like it, can you find a place that will cut it up for you when you buy it? Or even let you but a couple of pieces so you don’t have the extras staring you in the face, and you don’t get stuck with older food that is a lot less appetizing? On the other hand, if you don’t actually like the stuff I doubt anything is going to get you to eat that.

      So, think about the kinds of foods you actually LIKE. Then see what you can find that requires little to no prep and buy those things. Don’t worry if they are not “perfect”. In this case “good, and edible” is better that “EXCELLENT stuff I’ll never eat.”

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I do like rotisserie chicken. I prefer the breast meat, but I haven’t yet found a place that sells just the breast, so if I buy it, I have to cut it up. There was one place that sells rotisserie turkey breast, but they no longer offer it. I think it’s lure of the price of chicken, if that makes sense. The local Sams’ Club sells it for $4.98. Anyplace else is typically $6.99+ and it’s half the size, which stops me from buying it when I’m in those stores.

        Honestly, depression has crossed my mind. I’ve never been depressed (that I’m aware of), but I know friends and family who struggle with it and I’m definitely starting to wonder. The last two years has really sucked in terms of chronic pain, and it feels like it will never end. I’m working on it with a specialist, though. And work has been miserable for over a year, but I’m working on that, too.

        1. Bibliovore*

          I have a chronic condition that causes joint pain.
          I do KNOW and have confirmed that pain causes depression. That EVERYTHING is just too much.
          Sometimes I just take to my bed like a Victorian heiress.
          It is hard now without Mr. Bibliovore.
          I once shared at a dinner with friends how sweet it was that he woke me up in the morning with an iced gel packs on my shoulder.
          He said that’s not exactly what is happening.
          Turns out that I would wake up screaming in pain.
          He would get up, go downstairs to the kitchen and get the frozen gel pack.
          By the time he came back to bed I was back asleep and didn’t remember waking up.
          Then I would wake up again feeling the cold.. He didn’t feel it was necessary to tell me this was happening.

    12. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I’m sorry, hon, I have nothing useful to add except that it blows my mind that anyone actually cuts up a rotisserie chicken. Join the rest of us animals and just rips hunks of meat off the carcass and put them right in your mouth! If even that seems like too much work, I’m going to echo the folks in the other thread about lacking motivation and suggest checking if depression might be a problem. I also had back surgery and live with chronic pain, and it’s a legitimate trauma to both the body and the psyche. The healing you need may not be just physical. Wishing you luck and sending you my best wishes for health and resiliency.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Haha, actually “cut up” a rotisserie chicken is more like, “rip off the legs and wings, then cut up the breast for sandwiches.” I prefer the breast meat and wings, so I used to either give the thighs and legs to my friend when she used to live close by, or sometimes save the meat for soup. The cats got some, too. But given how cheap it is at Sam’s Club, I’d sometimes just toss the legs and thighs and not feel bad about it.

        The back surgery solved the initial problem, but unfortunately the disc above is now a problem and is also causing hip joint pain. I knew eventually this disc would also need fusion, but the other one was worse. And I didn’t expect this one would need it so soon.

  34. RMNPgirl*

    What do you do when you have no motivation? I’ve really been struggling the last month to want to do anything. I don’t even have the motivation to go do fun stuff let alone the around-the-house stuff I’d like to do. (I do know it’s not depression or any other mood disorder affecting this).
    Any advice on getting some motivation back?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Get checked for allergies or a low grade infection. Go to the dentist to make sure nothing is going on with the teeth.

      Are your rest and hydration levels where they should be?

      Is something running in the background that feels insurmountable, such as a sick loved one, financial concerns, other things?

      How hot is it by you? Heat does me right in. Forget it. It’s been weeks of trying to paint the porch- this is a task that can be done in a day or two.

      Unfairly, a cluttered house can really demotivate us. Can you consider hiring someone to help clean, at least one time?

      Generally when I feel demotivated it takes more than one thing to get me back on track. And that is probably the problem you are seeing, several things are running off course and getting them back feels daunting. First look for freebies, a friend who has a kind word, a family member who is always in your corner. Then branch out. I gave a friend gas money this week to take me to the doctor’s. I might have gotten myself there, but everything just felt hard. So I asked my friend and the day got better after that. Sometimes we have to part with a few bucks to get out of a tight spot.

    2. Lasslisa*

      I’d ask yourself what you DO want to do. Spend a little time sitting with your feelings and the possibilities and see what draws you or sounds pleasant. (Doing this and not falling into an inertial habit like video games or cleaning or phone web surfing is one of the best things for be, when I do it.)

      Maybe you need a little time off. Maybe you need to go walk in a park, eat a bowl of spicy noodles, lie down with a stuffed animal and nap.

      Maybe you want something impossible, like more time with someone who isn’t there anymore, and then that’s a clue too. Maybe do some journaling or call a friend too talk about it. Let yourself spend some time in that feeling/space and grieve, and eventually you’ll want water or a nap, and after that maybe you’ll find you kinda want to get the dishes done.

    3. Not Surprising*

      Are you sleeping well? (Like, deep sleep for however many hours you need to feel rested?) I’ve been having sleeping issues for a while, and my motivation to do things has plummeted because my energy levels are low. I’m doing sleep restriction therapy now to work on getting back to sleeping well.

    4. PollyQ*

      I don’t even have the motivation to go do fun stuff let alone the around-the-house stuff I’d like to do. (I do know it’s not depression or any other mood disorder affecting this).

      Why are you so sure it isn’t depression? Those are pretty strong symptoms you’re describing. I recommend a full checkup with your PCP to make sure there isn’t anything medical going on, and hopefully you’d feel comfortable discussing this with them as well.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, lack of motivation and anhedonia sound like depression to me, barring any physical reasons.

    5. BellyButton*

      I have depression and anxiety. I make myself do something for 10 minutes then stop. Then 15 minutes then stop. I will put on a 30-minute show then I get up and work in a spurt.

    6. Qwerty*

      Been there a lot! Honestly a huge part of it is breaking the momentum, but I get that the advice to just do things sucks in the moment. Today’s funk is generating tomorrow’s funk.

      Free yourself from seeking motivation or wanting to do things. Pick something and do it. You may need to make up a reason or give yourself some form of deadline so that your panic adrenaline response gets you moving (I tend to invite my mom over, because nothing makes me start cleaning faster)

      Do something physical that will make you tired and sleep well. A run, a hilly hike, join a park cleanup day. You want to go home at the end of that day with slightly sore muscles and feeling like you accomplished something. You’ll sleep really well that night, be tired the next day, but hopefully the day after recovery day you’ll feel a little more energy. We spend too much time in our heads and on our computers – science has good things to say about doing stuff with hands to maintain mental health.

      Check your nutrients!! When I’m in this mood, it means my anemia is getting worse and I need a burger. Magnesium is another one that’s tied to attention/focus and apathy – most adults are not getting enough in general, so its easy to fall too low on that one. Don’t forget to take your multivitamin too and make sure you are getting enough water.

      Focus on your breathing for a moment – are you taking shallow breaths? Oxygen levels lead to this too (hey, I’m also asthmatic) and being sedantary can cause our breathing to get a bit lazy. Take a few deep breaths every hour for a few days, see if that helps. You could also try a guided meditation podcast or video – I do those at night when I’m in an funk and it usually leads to better breathing and better sleep, so I’m more motivated the next day. Check if you need to change the filter on your HVAC or open up all the windows and air out your apartment.

      Get moving! Get outside! If you can, go for a walk daily – sunlight, fresh air, plus your blood needs to circulate. Or sit outside – you don’t even after to do anything, just enjoy the moment or people watch and get the outdoor vibes. If going for a walk isn’t possible, pace around your home a bit (works well when on the phone). If cleaning is one of the things that you don’t want to do, this can help make a dent – as I wander, I tend to slowly put things away just because I’m already moving around.

      You might also need a break from your usual stuff. I feel like for years Netflix + crafting was my go to, so when I lost interest in that I was a bit lost. It took a while to find something new to fill the void.

      Most importantly – find something that will make you laugh. Like a good, hearty laugh. That may be a favorite sitcom, a phone call, hanging out with a friend. Those big belly laughs are so good for the whole mind-body connection thing.

    7. Four of tem*

      For me, that’s my most prominent symptom of worsening depression, though that may not be an underlying reason for you. In any case, you’ve started by recognizing and naming it problem. The next part is harder. I’d start by finding something I like to do that’s not too hard and do that. Then go from there. Be patient with yourself.

    8. Observer*

      I do know it’s not depression or any other mood disorder affecting this).

      I’m going to echo all of the people who say “How do you know. PLEASE get this checked.”

      But I’m also going to echo all of the people who are saying that you should check all of the physical stuff. Because the level of “lack of motivation” you are describing is almost always related to either a physical / physiological issue or a mood disorder (whether depression or something else.)

      You’ve gotten some excellent suggestions on both fronts. I’ll add to the list – check your thyroid. That’s something that can create the kind of mood you describe.

    9. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Option 1: Get bored! Hide your phone from yourself, lie on the couch and stare up at the ceiling until you can’t stand it anymore. If you can stand for more than an hour, that’s probably a sign you really needed a break.

      Option 2: Buddy system. Ask a friend to either do an activity with you or to hold you accountable by checking in on you to see if you’ve done it yet.

      Option 3: Trickery (“just 5 minutes”). If starting is the hardest part, set a timer and tell yourself you will only do 5 minutes so it’s no big deal.

      Option 4: Trickery (fake procrastination): think of the thing you least want to do in the world– for me it’s making doctors appointments. Handwrite yourself a note that says MUST DO TODAY!! with that task on it, underlined. Then tell yourself sure, yeah, you will, just as soon as you unload the dishwasher.

      Option 5: Reggaeton. I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven by now that one Bad Bunny song contains the same amount of caffeine as 3 cups of coffee.

      Good luck!

  35. Meh*

    Jones Road Beauty (Bobbi Brown) balm. Has any one tried it? I keep getting ads and they’re starting to work on me. But I was curious about your take.

    1. Resolutely Rach*

      Do you mean Miracle Balm – a tinted balm that comes in different shades?
      I have that and really like it. It’s not a strong pigmented colour, it just adds a nice sheen on my cheeks and lips. I often use it on top of Benefit’s Benetint, which brings a stronger lip/cheek stain /colour but has no sheen to it.
      And sometimes I use it on my eyelids. I will definitely repeat buy, once I have used it up.

  36. Stuck Steven*

    Is anyone playing Disney Magic Kingdoms?

    I started playing last year and got to a point where I seemed stuck so gave it up. Recently picked it up again and the same thing happened. I seem to be stuck.

    1. tiredlibrarian*

      I’ve been playing this for waaaaaaay too long. Usually when I get stuck it’s because there’s a character I need to level up before the next quest kicks in. There’s also a subreddit that’s pretty good – they may be able to help too?

    2. Anonymath*

      I have been playing a few years and have not gotten too stuck, but that’s mostly because I’ve used the online fan-made wiki. If you poke around there you can find an area that shows what quests lead to other quests, and you may be able to figure out what is missing for you that is preventing you from progressing.

  37. Not A Manager*

    I am making a lapghan for my relative who will be in and out of hospital settings. It will be smaller than the afghans that I’ve made before, so that she can easily transport it. On a normal afghan, I’ve worked it back and forth in the shorter dimension, and extended it as long as I wanted. The horizontal pattern runs across the short width.

    For the lapghan, I’m wondering if I should reverse that. It’s more or less meant to run perpendicular to the body – across the lap or maybe over the shoulders. So should I work it back and forth in the wider dimension, and have the horizontal pattern run across the wider length?

    I’m make a ripple/chevron type stitch, so there will be peaks and valleys across whichever dimension I work it.

    1. Fit Farmer*

      I’m not a knitter, but thinking about how materials work, I’d consider how stretchy it will be, and if one dimension will be stretchier than the other. Across lap or shoulders, it’s going to be doing more “hanging” than a larger afghan does, so I bet the stretch might be either beneficial or annoying depending which direction it’s going. For example I’d guess that if worn over the shoulders, stretch is better side-to-side (across the shoulders) rather than being stretched down-the-back with its own weight. And probably the same thing if used on the lap; better if the stretch doesn’t allow it to pull itself down across the knees towards the floor with its own weight.

    2. Nitpicker*

      I’m sure that whichever you do your relative will love it and appreciate the work you put into it.
      It sounds like this time you know how big it will be. Why not sketch it out both ways (scaled down) and see which one you like better?

    3. Lifelong student*

      Is this crochet or knit? Might make a difference. I’ve made dozens of lapghans and afghans and have never worried about stretching. I just make them the size I want to end up with. It depends on how big I want it to be and how I want the pattern to look. I often adjust full size patterns to smaller by figuring the repeats and how it will be used. A wheelchair lapghan should not hang over the arm rest but should cover the lap with some drape. A shawl shape is not good for that.

  38. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

    Hi!

    Has anyone used anything like the dolly app for moving? I don’t have a lot of people to help me move IRL, so I’m considering that as an option whenever I’m ready. I figure they’re cheaper than hiring movers, and I really don’t have that much stuff (I don’t drive so my renting a truck myself isn’t an option).

    Where do y’all get your clothes? My new office is business casual, and I (F) am assuming that means no jeans. I’ve gained a bit of weight in the last couple years so the few non-jeans pants I have don’t fit as well. I’ve had success with local thrift shops (I’ve bought mostly dresses though so far and will go back in a couple weeks for their fall clothes), but would love some recs. I like comfortable clothes over how fashionable they look, and I’m not interested in spending $30 on a pair of pants if I can help it. I usually do my shopping online “at” target and old navy, but maybe Amazon has some comfortable stuff? I don’t think I need to buy a whole new wardrobe, but I do need more options. I’m also looking for shoes that have arch support but are still work appropriate.

    1. Filosofickle*

      I’ve used Lugg a bunch of times for small moves & deliveries — I’ve been generally happy with them and availability has been great. You do pay by time AND mileage so distance will radically increase costs.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        thank you for your input! that’s good to keep in mind, the distance might add up cost.

    2. cat socks*

      Kohls has good options and they always have a lot of sales. When I went into the office, my go to was Ponte knit pants. They are very comfortable. My “uniform” was black pants, a patterned top and cardigan.

      Putting Me Together has some outfit formulas that I find helpful.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        thank you for the resources! :D i think i just need to get used to the fact that pants are gonna cost $30 sometimes…..

        your “uniform” sounds a lot like mine. :)

        1. cat socks*

          If you can, think of good pants as an investment. I wore mine a few times a week and just changed out the tops so I felt like the cost per wear was worth it. Also, I’m short so I would pay a little more for pants that fit without needing to be hemmed.

          JC Penny might be another option. Macy’s too. That might be a little over your price range, but they have sales and peomo codes.

          1. Westsidestory*

            Seconding this. All you really need to augment what you’ve got is a good fitting pair of plain black slacks – spend a little more for a good pair and the extra it might cost to have it tailored to you. Tops you can find second hand or the discounters; choose washable ones to cut down on the dry cleaning. Vary with jewelry or scarves. This will get you through the first few weeks when you can spend more time shopping and observing how your go-workers (and upper tiers) dress for work.

            1. Westsidestory*

              If your in the US, Talbots is a good source for comfy yet stylish work clothes. Not many brick and mortar stores but once you’ve figured out correct size and styling, you can order same style in different colors online or through a mailed catalog. They do have good sales – which brings the price down to manageable levels.

              1. hopeful ex librarian*

                thank you for the suggestions!!! :D

                i’ll get a pair of pants that go with a bunch of tops and just wear them a few times a week, plus any dresses i already have. it’ll be warn for a few more weeks (although fall is my favorite season), so i don’t have to worry about a winter wardrobe just yet.

    3. Annie Edison*

      A friend of a friend literally just posted today about a very negative experience with Dolly. One of their reps dented her airstream trailer pretty badly (she has it on camera so was definitely them). Dolly says their people are independent contractors, so they won’t cover any damage and told her the contractor’s individual insurance should cover the damage. But. They also refuse to release any information that would allow her to contact the individual mover for “privacy reasons.” Dolly is apparently also coming after her for posting a negative review.
      This is obviously anecdotal and I don’t know the person that initially posted, although our mutual friend that shared the post is generally trustworthy and reasonable. But it was enough to turn me off from trying them.
      I have used moving help hired through uhaul’s website four times in the last five years and had a generally positive experience every time. The moving helpers are all independent companies, but it shows rates, customer reviews, and years in business on the website so you can compare. Look for a mover that’s been in business for a while and has a large number of positive reviews. I tend to stay away from the cheapest option too, but ymmv on that

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        oh yikes, okay, good to know @ dolly.

        i did NOT know uhaul had moving help options. i’d only need a couple hours of help, because i don’t have that much to begin with. i’ll definitely look into this as an option!

    4. MaryLoo*

      I used Dolly to move a couch I got from a friend. The Dolly guy had a pickup truck – it was the cleanest truck I’d ever seen! The friend helped the Dolly driver lift the couch into the truck. At my house, a neighbor helped the Dolly driver move the couch into my house.

      I was very happy with the service. I don’t know what it would be like if you had a household’s worth of stuff to move. Dolly might have limits or at least guidelines.

      Also I guess it depends on the driver you get.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        thank you! i’ll definitely be looking into other options in addition to dolly, but luckily i think the only super challenging thing i have to move would be my bed – i inherited it, and it’s kind of a pain to move because it’s so big.

    5. Cendol*

      I used Dolly to move a bunch of times in Chicago! (Long story, but the joke among my friends is that I have some kind of apartment-living curse that follows me from place to place. Am hoping to have broken the curse by buying a house…we’ll see.) No negative experiences to report. The movers were on-time and worked efficiently. It usually took 1-2 hours and cost less than $150 including tips. That said, I was typically moving between studios and 1BRs in adjacent neighborhoods and had minimal possessions that I packed up myself, so ymmv if you’re looking at interstate or cross-city moves or have a lot of stuff.

    6. Wink the Book*

      If you are Chicagoland based (I think I remember that), Movetastic. Period. Best movers in Nothern Illinois.

      For clothes, keep an eye on J. Jill sales and clearance racks. Also, there are a few Eddie Bauer and Lands End outlets in Chicagoland. I have found great stuff at both over the years.

  39. Yeah summer!*

    I’m looking for yard advice. Our neighbors house on one side is angled so the front of their house faces our backyard. I had started to line that part of our yard with hydrangeas. Now I’d like to add bamboo for privacy but I don’t want to disturb the existing hydrangeas. I know I have to plant bamboo in containers to prevent spread. Could I do a bunch of smaller containers so I can squeeze them in with existing plants? I’m thinking the planter equivalent of big gulps.
    Also I want to tear down my deck and put in steps to a stone or cement patio. What kind of professional should I look for to do this?

    2. sagewhiz*

      There are types of bamboo that don’t spread. Assuming you’re in the States, most counties’ extension offices have master gardeners who can advise you. Or a good local nursery (Big Box store garden centers aren’t the best source for such advice).

    3. RagingADHD*

      You mean a container the size of a big gulp drink? Bamboo will bust right through that in a season.

    4. Pieismyreligion*

      Please don’t plant bamboo unless you are prepared to do regular maintenance to prevent spreading. Even clumping bamboo wants to expand. ( it can breach the bottom of a pot and spread under ground, btw) Do your research on bamboo type, what material of planter will be best to use, and what it will take to keep it where you want it, and then decide if that’s doable for you. And for future home owners.
      Signed, someone who’s been battling the neighbor’s bamboo for 20 years.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came here to say this as well. Please please please don’t plant bamboo. It takes over and goes everywhere and you’ll be ruing the day you planted it. As will all your neighbors….

        You don’t say where you are, but could you plant some smaller evergreens in between the hydrangeas? Maybe not directly in between but a little in front. You’d also want to make sure that the hydrangeas aren’t ultimately going to get really huge

    5. Not So NewReader*

      1) The smaller the container the more watering you will need to do unless you live where there’s lots of rain.
      I am kind of wonder about squeezing them in, also. Hydrangeas can be quite the space hogs. Are you trying to fill in with something until they get bigger?

      If you are putting bamboo into big gulps sized pots, in all likelihood the plant will fall over the taller it gets. The weight on the bottom has to be heavier than the weight of the top growth of the plant.

      What I would do is bring a sample leaf and flower of the hydrangea to a nursery or two.
      Find out which hybrid you have and how big it will get. The flower is key- be sure to bring the flower.

      Next ask them what they would do for privacy. If you are trying to work the bamboo in with the plants I am wondering if you are close to the property line. If this is a consideration let them know.
      I am wondering about some lattice work and a nice climbing something… maybe wisteria. But it could be that you are just wanting something temporary.

      2)If you want just loose stones for a patio, then you could probably hire almost any building contractor. And if you want just a plain concrete pad for a patio, again, general person should be able to set this up for you.
      If you want field stones in concrete then you probably need a stone mason because they may need cutting to fit. However a good contractor has a stone mason on speed dial. :) They should have one whose work they are familiar with. If you go this route, ask if there is an example of the mason’s work that you can go see without bothering people. This would be a public space or something visible from the road.

      1. Esmeralda*

        Not wisteria. At least not in the south. It’s climbing bamboo! It will take over. You will curse it.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Think about seasons also. Things like rhododendrons and azaleas keep their leaves over the winter. But if you’re willing to try a leafy perennial that dies back in the winter, look at hops. It’s a surprisingly pretty plant to grow on a trellis, and the hops themselves have uses beyond beer. (Hops pillows are supposed to help fight insomnia for example.) It’s also easy to get rid of when your hydrangeas get big enough.. just offer them on freecycle, and the beer brewers will come out of the woodwork to dig them up for you.

    7. Westsidestory*

      I do not recommend bamboo either! Consider arborvitae for a hedge; they are water thirsty but then so are the hydrangeas. Do not let anyone talk you into skip laurel – it’s bug prone and messy to care for.

      Interview a few contractors for the deck/patio transformation; you will learn a lot.

  40. Anon friend*

    My best friend of 20 years just told me her husband is an alcoholic. She isn’t ready to talk about it, and I get the sense that she’s only told a small group of people this week. They’ve been together for about a decade, since we were 20. Both my husband and I have addiction in our families (alcoholism, opioid, gambling), both bio related to us and not, and so it’s a topic I feel comfortable talking about and being around. But I know that it happening with your spouse is very different than, say, my aunt. I am feeling really stressed and sad and want to figure out how to deal with my feelings so that I can support her. Any advice? We don’t live nearby and visiting her isn’t feasible right now.

    1. fposte*

      I think this gets to individual personalities. My tendency is to assume that if they wanted advice, they’d ask, and if they want to talk about it, they’ll bring it up. So I might go with an initial response of acknowledgment and validation and then check in on the topic gently after a couple of weeks to see if she has an idea of what she wants and that you’ll give silence, listening, or suggestions as she wishes. It may be that all she wants is the witnessing of the fact and that you’ve done what she needs, which may mean you making your peace with the fact that there’s nothing more desired from you here.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      For your own feelings, grieve. It’s a horrible disease that rips families apart. The impact is huge. And like a tidal wave we can’t stop it.

      And how many times in life do we see this. oh my. I had one story just last week. Two people so very much in love, ending up divorced. Then the drinking ex died. Tragic. Cry if and when you need to.

      She may have confided in you because of the distance. With no clues how to proceed, I think just random texts/calls saying, “Hey how’s things with you?” or “Thinking of you today and sending a hug!” is your best step.

    3. Irish Teacher*

      Don’t underestimate the importance of just being there and listening. I’ve never dealt with an alcoholic spouse but when I have had difficult times, people who could be supportive but mostly just be normal with me were the ones who were most helpful.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, maybe you could ask her if she’d like to go to a zoom meeting for one of those with you? Sometimes it’s less scary when you go with a friend.

  41. Suprisingly ADHD*

    Does anyone know how to convince a kitten to eat? We rescued an abandoned kitten from our garden on Thursday. She’s only about 3 weeks, so we would have wanted to wait longer if possible, but Mama never came back. This kitten has been to the vet (yesterday), and aside from conjunctivitis she seems healthy. But since 7 pm Thursday night, she’s only had about 4 oz of kitten formula (3 of them before noon yesterday), a couple teaspoons of kitten wet food, and a couple of adult treats (that was all we had to lure her to the carrier before we went shopping). We also tried kitten kibbles but she doesn’t seem interested in them.
    She was 11 oz when we found her, and already way skinny. Yesterday she was down to 9 oz. But she does play, and she’s happy to sleep in people’s laps or her little box in the cat tent. Any advice?
    She seems to like the wet food best, but is that enough for a cat that doesn’t drink formula or water? And how much should I reasonably expect her to eat?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      I believe you need to bottle feed the . Google “Kitten Lady” for info on feeding your kitten.

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        She won’t drink from the bottle, we tried several nipples. She won’t latch, but she was willing to use the side of her mouth if we dripped a little there. She drank 2 tablespoons the first night, but after that only drank a tiny bit at a time before refusing more. I think she doesn’t like the formula, she won’t lick it off a spoon or plate but she’ll take wet food that way. Just not a lot.
        I found a bunch of Kitten Lady videos while trying to get her to nurse. I like her videos, they had all the details I needed to care for The Little One! She was a very helpful resource when I was panicking about the kitten not peeing or pooping.

          1. Suprisingly ADHD*

            I’ll pick one up when I go out later, I need kitten wipes and a warm block if I can find one.

          2. KatEnigma*

            Yes, I second this. I once had to hand raise a kitten who was probably 10ish days old. We couldn’t get him to suckle. At first it seemed like he was half drowning, but he thrived and lived a long chubby cat life. (The books all swear hand raised kittens are more affectionate. He was NOT. LOL)

    2. RagingADHD*

      If she has lost 2 oz, call the vet again. She may need subcutaneous fluids. She should be putting on weight every day.

      At 3 weeks she should be on mostly formula or slurry, and I’m surprised she could eat the adult treats at all. If you Google a kitten feeding chart by weight, you will find good references on how much and how frequently. The amounts are tiny, but it’s a lot of feedings.

      They need a *lot* of coaching to learn to eat things that aren’t from Mom. She may just not understand the mechanics yet. Do you have any bottles? Will she lick it off your fingers?

      Is she peeing and pooping? Are you familiar with how to stimulate her to poop? She probably needs help at 3 weeks.

      It’s also possible she is very sick and was abandoned on purpose, because a 3 week kitten is unlikely to wander off. (Hope not).

      Kitten Lady on YouTube has a lot of helpful videos for caring for orphan kittens. Good luck!

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        We have been trying bottle feeding with the formula, she drank a full tablespoon each of the first 2 times we fed her. So we know she CAN drink the formula. She just won’t anymore! She started drinking a tiny bit before refusing, now she won’t even lick the bottle or drips of the formula on her lip.
        She was very excited about wet food this morning, she licked 2 tablespoons off a saucer and tiny spoon! But wouldn’t even look at the bottle. I also think she ate a couple of kitten kibbles I left in her tent last night, which I wasn’t expecting! She slept for 8 hours without yelling to wake me, and actually switched which box she was sleeping in so I know she was up.

        1. Cj*

          We took in a couple kittens for my in laws whose mom had been hit in the road. They were only about 3 weeks old at the time. Since they were able to eat canned food and liked it, that’s what we gave them. They did just fine. In fact, the girl lived to be 19.

      2. Suprisingly ADHD*

        Posted too soon…
        The vet knows about the weight loss, I told him when he weighed her. He also said she seems healthy aside from her eye, no breathing or heart problems or noticable parasites. He also gave her deworming stuff.
        I found The Kitten Lady when trying to look kitten feeding/elimination up myself. The Little One has peed twice on her own (she likes terrycloth). But every attempt at stimulating her to pee or poop has only made her angry and clearly caused discomfort.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Well, that’s great! If she’ll eat the wet food, just give her as much as she’ll take and mix in extra water or formula to get her fluids.

          When you stimulate her to poop, are you using a wet or dry cloth? A warm wet washcloth might be less irritating.

          But it sounds like you’re already doing all the things. I wonder if she’s actually a little older than she looks and just super runty.

          1. Suprisingly ADHD*

            Oh, she might go for wet food and formula! I’ll try that next feeding session, I’m worried about her liquid content because she definately hasn’t figured out drinking water from a bowl yet.
            I tried wet and dry cloth, paper towel, and tissue. I’m glad she’s peeing, the lack of poop is still in ok range (my aunt said her littlest kitten took 3 days to start pooping) so I’ve stopped the stimulation for now (she clawed my entire arm last time, it upsets her a lot).
            It’s comforting to hear that I’ve been thorough, I keep worrying that I’m missing something obvious. She could be runty, she was Very skinny. We guessed 3 weeks based on her teeth, only the front ones are in yet.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This happened with Olive when we were fostering her as a kitten — I think 3 weeks may be too young to eat much solid food. The shelter we were fostering her through wasn’t very helpful; I think they are so used to some kittens failing to thrive that they are pretty jaded about it. But a friend involved in cat rescue told me about Nutri-Cal — a nutritional gel with an appetite stimulant in it — and she loved it and started eating (I’m convinced it saved her life):
      https://www.amazon.com/Tomlyn-High-Calorie-Nutritional-Nutri-Cal/dp/B000FO3R6K

      It’s a gel, so she either licks it off your finger or you put some on her paw and she will lick it off because she wants to be clean. Get the kitten version.

    4. Kittee*

      Good for you for taking care of her. I know you said the vet knows about the weight loss, but I would call them again anyway. And if they have no immediate intervention ideas that work, please call a different vet and get another opinion. If the kitty doesn’t eat and drink enough not only will she lose more weight but her kidneys will shut down. She may need subcutaneous or IV nutrition or hydration to prevent her going further downhill. I would not wait another day on this.

      1. merp*

        yep, seconding this. I foster and if they go into fading, you have almost no time to fix anything. better to get them attention now.

    5. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Update: The kitten ate a couple of spoonfuls of kitten wet food, but seems to have decided she doesn’t like formula. I’ve been offering food every 2 hours today, which usually means waking her up. She doesn’t seem to make noises when she’s hungry, she didn’t wake me up at all from midnight to 9:30, so I guess I’m gonna have to keep giving her the option.
      She doesn’t really seem to play, but I can’t tell if it’s because she’s so young, or because she’s weak. I’m gonna see if I can find a cat-safe heating pad or block, she feels very warm sleeping in someone’s lap but not so much in her box/bed.
      So far, our first cat hasn’t reacted badly to the kitten, and they mostly just stare at each other through the tent. Which is a relief to say the least!

      1. RagingADHD*

        Sleeping that long in one stretch, and not making any sound, is worrisome when they’re that little. Please do keep waking her to give food and fluids on schedule.
        You can make a quick heating pad from a cotton sock full of rice and briefly microwave it. Just give it a good shake and feel it all over to make sure there are no hot spots, and put it under a blanket or towel for extra safety.

        Fingers crossed!

      2. merp*

        young babies don’t know how to play, and (I think) can’t really see that well anyway. but yes, she definitely needs a heating pad! they can’t regulate their temp at that age. like other commenters say, definitely continue this schedule even if she is sleeping. she should be gaining weight every day. might help to weigh in grams as it’s clearer than ounces if they lose.

        1. merp*

          adding info because I’m invested now lol: if you can find a heating pad that doesn’t automatically shut off, go with that and leave it on a low. your local shelter probs has recommendations, they almost certainly use them. if you can only find one that shuts off, it’s not ideal but turn it back on at feedings and it should be ok. give her some space where she doesn’t need to be on it so she can wiggle back and forth as needed. also some kittens really love a stuffed animal to snuggle with <3

          also, maybe look up kitten fading syndrome just to know what to look for and what to do. biggest thing are to keep them warm and feed them if they'll take anything.

        2. KatEnigma*

          I used a hot water bottle and refilled it at every feeding. If you can find one with a wool cover, she will like that.

    6. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Kitten timelines:
      At 3 weeks they barely move and are just learning that they have paws. Playing with siblings consists of biting each other, because that is the limit of their capabilities.
      They definitely poop and pee just fine on their own. She isn’t pooping either because she has nothing in her tummy or because she’s constipated. You resolve constipation with more water (can be mixed into food or dilute the formula slightly).
      Kittens can start to digest wet food okay at about 3.5 weeks, but it depends on the kitten. You can syringe feed but don’t put it on the back of their mouth, you don’t want it going into the lungs, put it at the front of their tongue and they should swallow it. Mixing formula and wet food is helpful, but if she’s eating wet food okay then don’t push formula on her because it can sometimes cause diarrhea. In her case she’s losing weight, so give her whatever she will eat. Kittens often hate the bottle at first and will fight it, so I often try the syringe. I have had a tiny kitten suck a syringe dry. Some kittens learn to lap up liquid from a bowl and eat wet food early, others don’t do that until 5 weeks old.

      4 weeks:
      Walking, starting to eat on their own more reliably

      5 weeks:
      Running, and can eat easily.

      6 weeks:
      Eyes change colour, I start kibble at about 6-7 weeks old

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Also: they can’t eat if they are cold. A beanbag in the microwave might be helpful, and warm the food up, preferably to about 100F

    7. Suprisingly ADHD*

      One more update tonight:
      The kitten is eating more, apparently my mom has the magic touch with the bottle and she convinced her to eat 5 or 6 tablespoons of formula over the day.

      We are tentatively naming her Misty, as long as her (eventual) personality fits it.

      She played some today, about half an hour and then another 15 minutes later on. She chased some twine, which is our older cat’s favorite (he only gets to use it to play with a human, to make sure he doesn’t try eating it). Misty enjoyed trying to step on the end of the twine as I dragged it past her feet. She also got really brave and went on an adventure, from one side of the table, under the chair, all the way to the other side. She was very proud of herself.

      Our older cat watched her play from a distance, and after a while he gradually got closer. He was calm when her walked up and sniffed her, she was a little intimidated but was ok since I was petting her head. Since then, the older cat has watched her carefully (from at least 3 feet away), and when he couldn’t find her he searched the whole house, especially by the table where she had been playing. When he figured out my mom was holding Misty he layed right at her feet, so we’re pretty sure he’ll get along fine with her once she has her shots.

      Misty is a shoulder cat! She climbed right up my mom’s shirt to lay on her shoulder, and has since repeated it with other people.

      She also used the litterbox! She kept peeing on the towels and blankets, and didn’t seem to like the litter. We put a puppy pee-pad on top of the litter in the box, and she was ok with that texture. I caught her peeing on a towel and quickly moved her to the litterbox. Later, she used it as soon as I put her in.

      She’s doing so much better, she has energy and is eating, and her eye is cleared up from the prescription. Thank you for all the advice, I read all of it even though I didn’t have time to answer! If she loses her appetite again, I’ll try a syringe, and also get that nutrient gel someone recommended. I also want to get her a heating block, I’m thinking of maybe a rock heater for a lizard tank? I’ve been using pocket warmers and microwave gel pads, but they get cold more quickly than I want, risk getting too hot, and aren’t safe for chewing (right now I wrap them in thick towels, but Misty has started moving them around so that won’t be safe long) Petco says pet heating pads are a seasonal item that won’t be in stock till it gets cold. I remember seeing something that looked good online, it was a plastic brick with rounded edges and turned on and off as needed. Does anyone know what it is?

      1. Kittee*

        Oh this is the best news!!! I came back tonight just to see if there was an update, and I’m so glad it’s a happy one. Sounds like kitty has turned the corner! Good work!!

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Such a great update!!

        For heating:
        If she is walking around that much then she is nearly 4 weeks and should be able to regulate herself now or very soon. So don’t spend a lot of time researching options because it won’t be needed soon.
        Kitten Lady and many others recommend SnuggleSafe:
        http://www.kittenlady.org/heatsources
        https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008AJH9/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=kitte0b-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=B00008AJH9&linkId=4bfcf4667b2a7ff7dc11f24f0727b198

        Food:
        Royal Canin kitten is great for weaning kittens. There is also RC kitten mousse, which doesn’t seem as popular with my fosters but you can try it (if you can find it in pet stores, supplies have been hard to find).

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          Thank you for the link! I’ve been using hot hands, wrapped in a towel to protect her (I have a large supply due to my circulation problems). She is very active now, even attempting climbing and some (very clumsy) pounces. So I’ll probably just use the hot hands until she seems ok without them.
          I will keep an eye out for those foods, but the kitten selection around here is pretty narrow and expensive. I got leftover kibble from someone else’s cat that switched brands, which saved me some money, but I got the cheapest type of wet food, and the only option for formula under $30.

    8. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Follow up question for this morning:
      My (adult male) cat is very interested in the kitten, and shows no sign of aggression toward her. He’s even played “with” her, each chasing the opposite ends of a long twine from 3 or 4 feet apart. He’s been guarding her tent, making little chirrup noises when she comes out of her box (she doesn’t mew right now). And now he’s started making attempts to get into the tent (poking at the seams, pressing his face on the mesh, shoving his head underneath).
      At what point is it safe to allow him to actually meet her completely? She’s not yet vaccinated, and won’t be for about 2 weeks, which seems a long time to have to keep them separated when they’re acting friendly and curious toward each other.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        The immediate need for separation is actually more to protect him from her. Panleuk, FeLV, and a few other diseases are nasty, but she would likely be really sick and he’s a vaccinated adult so unlikely to get sick.

        She likely has gut parasites, and might have fleas. So don’t let him go into the litterbox, nor lick around the bum. Once she’s dewormed then you’re fine to let them be completely together unsupervised (assuming he stays friendly). At this age you can bathe with Dawn (dish soap) to treat for fleas. Even if you don’t see them, it’s good to assume there might be some.

        If she’s pouncing, even awkwardly, then she’s about 4 weeks. You don’t need to feed formula and you can feed any wet food (we sometimes give adult cat wet food if it’s the only option – Friskies has a high protein and fat content (good for cats and kittens) – feed anything but Whiskas). She should be able to regulate her body temp.

        It just occurs to me that 9oz is about 560g, which is actually a really good weight. Your initial weight of 11oz (700g) might have been wrong, because that’s more of the weight of a 9 week old kitten. Super chunky kittens can be 1kg or 16oz at 9 weeks, and they would be 500g at 5-6 weeks. No wonder your vet wasn’t worried about the weight loss – I think your scale is wrong. Sorry for my numbers in grams, but we do all the neonate weights that way.

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          Shes had a deworming treatment at the vet, and 2 sink baths with Dawn. Her fur is very soft and fine, she doesn’t show signs of fleas or ticks.
          She has finally figured out that she likes formula from the bottle, it was just a matter of finding a comfortable eating position. And she also likes wet food, so we offer both at mealtimes.
          She actually used the litterbox on purpose for the first time, so we’re very happy about that!
          You’re probably right about our scale, she weighed in at 15.7 oz today!

          1. Cat and dog fosterer*

            Sounds like you’re all set to allow them to interact, and great that she’s eating so well. You’re going to have a reliably healthy kitten very soon!

  42. ThatGirl*

    What have you done to memorialize pets?

    We had to say goodbye to our beloved dog last December. He was privately cremated and my husband was deeply grieving (I was too, but I am more pragmatic than he is), so we didn’t do anything with the ashes for quite awhile. But I’ve now scattered most of them around our neighborhood, in all the spots he liked to pee. I also have his paw impression on my desk and his collar in a little jar on a shelf.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have two cats in tins on a shelf in my office. One of them has a memorial tree in the front yard – a sour cherry tree because right off the cuff he was a sour old cuss but with a little work he became sweet as pie – and the other did have a memorial peach tree in my back yard, but we had to take it out this summer because it was diseased, and we haven’t replaced it yet.

      My dog’s ashes are also on the same bookshelf – one of her titles was High Ambassador to the Kitten Kingdom – in a decorative wooden box along with her paw imprint, her collar and her favorite scarf (it’s a Penzey’s scarf reading “Choose Love” and I’m sorry someone just started chopping onions in here). I also had a piece of art done from my favorite picture of her that basically surrounded her with flowers. And her name was Angua, so we “joke” that my current puppies (one of whom grew up with her, the other never met her) have a Guardian Angua looking out for them.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My husband (who had raised the sour old cuss cat from literally a foundling at 5-6 weeks old until we had to help him pass at 17) and I have agreed that neither of us wants a funeral service, and I’ve told him that if he goes first, he’s going up on the shelf with the pets gone beyond. He assures me he wouldn’t have it any other way.

    2. comityoferrors*

      I’m so sorry for your loss!

      When my velcro cat suddenly passed away, the emergency vet had a memorial package that I just…agreed to, because I was in shock. I didn’t know what was involved but it actually turned out lovely: a beautiful locking box with an inscription and sentimental items inside. They included her paw print too, and since she was a polydactyl they thoughtfully chose her most-toed paw. They included a little snip of her fur, and a small container with her ashes. It really helped me process things because I felt like it honored her memory at a time when I was grieving too hard to put those little things together myself.

      I also got her collar and tags back. She had a name tag that said “[her name] – I’m lost” in the hopes that she’d be recognized as a lost indoor cat if anyone found her outside. She liked to chew on that tag when she was bored, so it has a bunch of her teeth marks in it. I keep the tag on my keyring. It’s a gut punch sometimes – I didn’t think about how “I’m lost” would change for me when she passed – but worth it because the bite marks remind me so much of her silly little face and how happy and playful she was.

      She got sick very abruptly, within 2 months of my dad’s somewhat-sudden death. They died 6 months apart. So her memorial box sits with his urn and the pictures of him. I always intended to scatter their ashes but never found a time or place that felt right, so they keep each other company.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thank you. I’m sorry for yours!

        We had some forewarning that his end was near, but had not really thought about memorials till the vet asked us. I definitely wanted his paw print and agreed to the ashes thinking it was better to have them then regret not getting them. The service included a nice little memorial card and it was very thoughtfully packaged.

        We also still have his bed in our living room, full of his toys with my husband’s old Legend of Zelda shirt on top (his name was Link). Still not quite sure what to do with that.

      2. hopeful ex librarian*

        i’m so sorry for your losses, but this is lovely. i love that they’re keeping each other company.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Dogs cremated and we kept the ashes on a shelf in the basement intending to scatter at favorite spots, but didn’t. So I think in future I will not set myself up for that.

      Honestly the best thing for remembering Dog 2 is a photo of him and Dog 3 next to a giant pencil sculpture we found in the woods. He is so happy and proud of himself for sitting next to the pencil, while Dog 3 is bewildered. I can see it from here. Dog 1 is in a family photo, and mostly it’s two fond memories with our kids: 5 explaining at extreme length why Dog 1 couldn’t go outside while Dog 1 walked past her out the door; 1 spoon feeding dog treats to Dog 1 and proving the worth of cultivating these beings with opposable thumbs.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      When Pig (my cat) died, I got her a small gravestone from the pet supply place. It had a space to put a small, heart-shaped tag with her dates of birth/death on it that stuck right to the stone. I buried her with her toys in a cardboard box in the backyard and put the stone on top. I kept her little brush and some of the toy mice I got her in Britain from my auntie’s vet. My vet was happy to accept donations of her leftover food and her dishes and doghouse for “kitties in need,” as they put it.

      I took the stone with me when I sold the house and moved. I marked her grave with a small marker I made from a milk container and mentioned it in a document I left for the new owner so they wouldn’t inadvertently dig her up if they did any work in the yard. I opted not to have her cremated; the yard was her domain and I figured she would prefer to be where she lived.

    5. Generic Name*

      After my husband’s husky died, we scattered his ashes at a spot in the wilderness near my husband’s favorite campsite. The vet did an impression of his paw, and I had my dad make a shadow box type of frame for it. The tag from his collar is attached to the bottom of the frame.

      I like the idea of scattering his ashes at his favorite pee spots. :) My mom put the ashes (still in the box) from her beloved cat in the back of her closet, because he liked to nap there.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Link was well loved in our neighborhood and also loved to pee every 20 feet, so it seemed fitting :)

    6. Sundial*

      Unfortunately I have not been able to do what I had planned. My two Birman sisters are in the small wooden boxes from the crematorium. My goal was to find lapis lazuli jewelry boxes to put them in, since that’s the exact color of their eyes. Unfortunately there were/are sociopolitical complications in sourcing that particular stone, so I haven’t made any headway.

      2. Kittee*

        Sodalite is a stone that looks very much like lapis, without the gold bits. So much less expensive too, and it may suit.

    7. Bookgarden*

      When our family cat passed away, we bought a small outdoor fountain that resembled a peaceful rock garden and buried his ashes under it, under a tree. It was fitting for his personality.

    8. Bleeding Heart*

      When my old kitty died suddenly one evening at bedtime, we immediately buried her in the back yard. A friend gave us a bleeding heart plant that we planted in that spot. She is growing beautifully and I talk with her often.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I bought two personalized keepsake boxes from a seller on Etsy for my girls. The boxes have their names on the top, and on the inside of the lid is each cat’s nickname and their birth/death years. The pet crematorium put their ashes in nice wooden boxes, and made paw prints that are in cases (this was part of the “package” from the place). Inside each of their keepsake boxes are their ashes, paw prints, the cards we received from our long-time vet’s office, and special keepsakes from both, each had a special dish and toys.

      My in-laws buried one of their cats in their flower garden, and bought a stone cat statute to mark the spot.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      We scattered Sir Fusspot’s ashes in the soil of the tomato plants he liked to eat and destroy. I thought he’d be happiest there.

      When a koi dies and we’re able to find the body, we bury it at the top of the waterfall as a sneaky reference to the dragons gate myth.

    11. Mephyle*

      We have Best Dog’s ashes in a wooden urn on the stereo cabinet, along with a photo of her but we don’t use that room very much, so I don’t look at it very often. It’s been 8 years since she left us. The main memorial is that from time to time we retell each other the best stories about the amazing, the weird, the funny, and the smart things she did.

    12. SeaMarie*

      Findagrave.com allows memorials for pets. It’s comforting to create a memorial for them (free) and I return occasionally to “visit” them in memory. Search “Snuggles Jacobson” to see my cat’s memorial.

    13. kiki*

      When my childhood cat died earlier this year, I made a photo book. I asked my other family members for pictures in addition to the ones I had and had copies printed for everyone. I think we all had a positive experience collecting the pictures and reminiscing.

    14. Kittee*

      I’m sorry, that’s so hard. We had to say goodbye to our kitty last September and we miss her terribly. I carry her favorite mouse toy around in my pocket every day. We also have a little box with other toys of hers and the beautiful card our vet wrote. And as I remember things about her I write them down so I don’t forget all the silly, cute, insane things she used to do (Hey! How did you get on top of the kitchen cabinets??). For a previous kitty, I cut and pasted pics of her (this was many years ago, no access to a computer) all on one page with some handwritten comments, and then copied that so it was one smooth sheet of photos and comments. Just to remind me of things.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      I have a shadowbox that I made from my dog’s collar and her clay paw print. I have a tattoo design that I picked out in her memory, but it’s been 7 years and I still haven’t quite worked up the nerve.

  43. Not Surprising*

    I posted here a year ago about how when my eye doctor realized I was getting a new job that offers vision insurance, she acted like I would start buying contacts from her (instead of buying cheaper ones online). You guys said I shouldn’t feel pressured to buy from her.

    So I bought contacts through the online retailer the insurance promotes (saved even more money than where I normally buy from!). When I went to my eye doctor on Thursday, the receptionist wanted to know if I’d already bought contacts somewhere else because my vision insurance account said I’d used my contact allowance. (She seemed annoyed.) When my doctor came into the waiting room, the receptionist relayed that I’d already bought contacts elsewhere (the doctor said “I see…”also not sounding pleased).

    In the exam room, the doctor told me it was good I had vision insurance, because the contact and eye exam would be free. The vision insurance benefits had said the copay could be up to $60, so I said, “Awesome! I thought I was going to have a $60 copay.” She jokingly said she’d go ahead and charge me $60 then. I asked if the comprehensive eye exam I usually get for medical reasons was also covered, and she said yes. And of course she told me to let me know when I needed her to order contacts for me.

    When I was checking out, the eye doctor told the receptionist to charge $60. The receptionist wanted to know why, and they whispered about it. I was thrown off and just paid, but now I’m wondering if she charged me $60 extra since I didn’t buy contacts through her, or if it was a copay for the comprehensive eye exam. (I checked my benefits, which say a retinal scan is only up to $39, but I won’t get the actual statement for a few weeks.) They also didn’t give me my contact prescription like they normally do, so I e-mailed them to ask for it but haven’t heard from them yet.

    I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive, but the whole thing made me really uncomfortable. My previous eye doctor told me he wouldn’t have given me eye exams if he’d known I was going to start buying my contacts online, so I’m worried I won’t be able to find an eye doctor where this isn’t a big deal.

    Do you guys have any advice on finding a good eye doctor? Is it better to get eye exams at someplace like Walmart?

      1. Observer*

        Well, it is a way to make a living.

        My issue is not that the doctor wants to make money. The REAL issue is that they are willing to be unethical about it!

    2. PollyQ*

      I just had a full eye exam & vision test with an opthamologist at my PPO, no nudging about who was going to be making my glasses whatsoever, since they don’t provide that service. If you don’t belong to one of those, your primary care physician may be able to recommend someone.

    3. Decidedly Me*

      I have never had an eye doctor upset that I wasn’t purchasing contacts or glasses from them. I’d find a new doc ASAP.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry you are having so much trouble finding an eye doctor who will help you. You aren’t being oversensitive, they are being crappy. You should request an itemized bill and question the purpose of the $60 charge, because if they take insurance reimbursement they aren’t allowed to just make up extra charges.

      When you call, specifically tell the billing person that you need an itemized statement to submit to your insurance because the records you have aren’t matching up with your Explanation of Benefits.

      They are also not allowed to refuse to provide an itemized statement.

      They will probably reverse the charge so they don’t lose their contract with the insurance company. If not, you can dispute any charge that you didn’t actually receive services for.

      Where I live, the optometrists in chain stores like LensCrafters don’t actually sell lenses at all. They are an independent practice that shares space, and the lens store is run by a different company.

      Opthalmologists (medical eye specialist) may sell lenses also, but they are usually not worried about nickel-and-diming their customers because their specialty practices are so lucrative.

      It may work differently where you are, but unless you need an opthalmologist, I’d recommend trying a chain store. The optometrist can run all the routine screenings for glaucoma and macular degeneration, they just can’t treat it if they find a problem.

    5. ThatGirl*

      Geez, find a new doctor. I go to LensCrafters and buy my contacts there too but they never pressure me.

    6. Pippa K*

      Joining the chorus to say find a new eye doctor! I’ve used both an ophthalmologist with his own stand-alone clinic and the optometrist at Costco (who is independent, just located in Costco) and neither of them cares in the slightest where I buy my glasses and contacts, even though the ophthalmologist has an in-house optician and wide range of glasses, etc.

      You shouldn’t be uncomfortable with your doctor or have to wonder if the care they’re giving you or the recommendations they’re making are based on anything other than what’s in your best interest.

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      What on earth? I’m sorry you’ve met two terrible doctors. If boutique eye places actually expect people to buy their products, they need to be more competitive. I know nothing about what they’re facing as businesspeople but not your problem. Find an eye doctor who has a place specializing in eye conditions and disease as they may be more driven by actually helping. This is how I found my current eye doctor (I have minor correction for myopic) and he was the first to tell me how to care for my young yet aging eyes.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      As an anecdote: Last year my optometrist wasn’t covered by my vision insurance at all. She was willing to try billing to my regular health insurance (we were checking for possible side effects to ongoing medical conditions, so I really wanted to stick with my familiar person who knows me and my history well), did my standard eye exam, and recommended a different local optometrist who very likely took this insurance (he did) and sent me there to get the new glasses filled.

      Which is why this year, with yet another vision insurance carrier, I went back to her. This one she’s covered.

    9. comityoferrors*

      Ugh, this is my nightmare. I’ve been seeing the same opto for 20+ years, since I first needed glasses as a kid. We have a close enough relationship that I give him a hug at every annual visit. He’s retiring soon, and he’s shared some of the financial pressures of the industry with me since I work in health insurance and sorta know the racket. I’m so worried about having to find a new doctor who I trust to actually care about my health.

      I’m sorry your experience with your docs has been so bad. Definitely shop around and look at reviews, and specifically look for terms that are important to you (“welcoming” “feels like they care” etc.) AND for things that signal the opposite (“rushed” “pressured to decide” “reluctant to give me my Rx”). This will be more rare in reviews IMO but I’d also keep an eye out for people mentioning whether they’re transparent about their billing practices or…not so much.

      Since you’re at a new job, I’d also ask your coworkers if they have any recommendations! I’ve found that many people feel more…passionate about their like or dislike of optos and dentists compared to other medical specialties, at least once they’ve encountered a particularly good or bad one. So I’d ask for advice on great experiences they’ve had, but also if you should avoid anyone since that will narrow your search too.

      I hope the third time’s the charm! Good luck!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Maybe ask your retiring doctor who he would recommend as a replacement?

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Definitely find a new doctor. Also, they are legally obligated to give you your prescription(s). They can’t withhold it. Look up the FTC’s Ophthalmic Practice Rules, aka the Eyeglass Rule.

    11. Fikly*

      When I had just moved to where I lived now, I thought one of the lenses of my prescription sunglasses was starting to fall out, and I didn’t want to muck with it and risk damaging the lens or the frames.

      There happened to be an optometrist next to my physical therapy place, so I walked in, and explained the problem. I know from long experience of wearing glasses (and working for an optometrist) that this kind of adjustment should be free.

      Turns out the lens wasn’t loose at all, I had just mistaken how much was hanging outside the frame because the lens was so thick (I have a high correction, even with the extra thin plastic lenses). The optician didn’t mock me for the error at all, said it was totally understandable, and didn’t charge me a cent.

      I remembered that, and when six months later I needed my exam and new glasses, I came right back there, and they were fantastic. Three years later, I’m still using them, always with a great experience.

      TLDR: If you still have glasses, go to a random place for a simple adjustment, and see how they treat you.

    12. hopeful ex librarian*

      i’ve gotten my eyes checked at walmart and the doctors there have been lovely. :)

    13. Esmeralda*

      Wow, that’s terrible!

      I go to the closest MyEyeDoctor (it’s a chain). Optometrists, techs, and receptionists are all very good. I buy my glasses elsewhere— I tried theirs once and was not satisfied with the quality. I get a copy of my prescription— they’re a little bit pushy about “are you sure you don’t want to just check out our frames?” I understand they’re probably required by corporate to ask. And I don’t have any trouble saying No nicely but firmly. Been going to them for years.

      Have gone to them when I’ve had various eye injuries— some they’ve addressed there and some they gave a likely diagnosis and the. sent me to urgent care. Called up the next day too to check that I was ok.

    14. Hatchet*

      Just have to chime in to say that yes, you should find another eye doctor.
      My optometrist happens to work at Walmart, and she’s great! She used to be just next to Target, but moved two miles down the road to Walmart, and I happily moved with her. And fwiw, I’ve never bought my glasses through her or her adjacent store, and she’s never had a problem with it.

    15. Maggie*

      I just go to Pearle Vision and I’ve never had an issue with this. I get an exam and take my prescription. Pay my co pay and end of story

    16. Observer*

      I’m with the others – it sounds like you have had TERRIBLE luck.

      I’ve been to more than one optometrist who sells glasses (I don’t do contacts.) Not one has ever pushed their glasses. Some have MENTIONED it, but that was it and it never came up in a followup, etc.

  44. Decidedly Me*

    Any tips or success stories for learning an instrument as an adult? I signed up for drum lessons as it’s something I wanted to do as a kid and never got the opportunity to. I have no experience with any instruments. I’m not exactly sure what my goal is aside from no regrets over missed opportunities lol! If I enjoy it, it would be cool to be decent at it, at least.

    1. fposte*

      I just started learning recorder at the beginning of the year, and it’s the most mfing fun I’ve had in ages. I think I’ll probably sign up with a nearby teacher for lessons at some point, but I’ve been DIYing so far with decent results. Things that have helped me: good method books, a couple of really good YouTube channels, and occasionally an online forum/FB group. Online playalongs/music minus one can be really helpful; 8notes dot com looks to have some drum tunes in their free playalongs/minus one listings, and I suspect there are other online playalong possibilities that are more drum focused.

    2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Practice, of course, but once you get a little bit of skill, look for opportunities to play with other musicians. Some music lesson places have recitals, or try to put students together in ensembles – take advantage of that if it’s available. If you are a church goer and they have a band, get involved with that. The main thing that helped me as a musician (still amateur) was playing with and in front of others. I spent many years just in my living room alone and made little progress that way. Good luck!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes! Once you get some skills, you can also look for a community band!

    3. blueberry muffins*

      practice regularly. Like 30 to 60 min a day. Regardless of how talented you are/are not the only thing that gets you better is practice.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look for people to play with! I did great on my mandolin until I moved out of the area with the folk group that got together regularly. For percussion, maybe you could find a community band, or a drum circle, or if you’re doing dumbek a group that is teaching Middle Eastern dance might cross over with teaching drumming.

    5. Pennywhistler*

      Find other people to play with. The best part of playing with a group is that you cannot stop if you make a mistake- you just have to keep going. Even if you’re only playing every other note, it’s great for making progress.

    6. TurtleMom*

      Chiming in late, but as a music teacher who has taught multiple adult students over the years, you can absolutely learn to play an instrument well at any age! These are the two biggest struggles I see from my adult students:

      1. It can be difficult to carve out time to practice in between jobs, family, friends, other hobbies… Plus, ya know, eating and sleeping. My only advice here is that playing for 10 minutes is better than not playing at all, and playing for 5 minutes 5 days in a row will help you improve a lot faster than playing for an hour 1 day and then not touching the instrument for a week.

      2. Adults are a lot more self-aware than most 5 year olds. It’s easy to get discouraged when you compare yourself to other musicians and assume that you’ll never catch up, but it is also easier for adults to hear what needs to be changed in their own playing which means you can practice a lot more efficiently. Plus, unlike my 5 year old students, your fine motor skills are already fully developed!

      As others have said, try to find others to play with – especially as a drummer! I’ve played in a number of different bands and I would always pick a drummer with a basic style who could match what the group is doing over one with loads of fancy tricks who played like they were in their own bubble.

  45. Almost Violet Miller*

    How do you clean your suitcases? I have both hard and soft shell suitcases that get stains when I use them for air travel. I’d like them to both look better and be cleaner.

    1. BellyButton*

      For hardshell try a Magic Eraser. For soft I mix warm water and vinegar in a spray bottle, spray the fabric and use a soft brush to work it in and get any stains out.

      1. Paddy O'Furniture*

        Be careful with using Magic Eraser. Maybe try using it on an inconspicuous part of the case, like near the bottom, to make sure that it won’t damage the finish. Sometimes the Magic Eraser might remove the finish and you don’t want that as it will look as bad as the stain.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I used a bowl of hot water and Dawn dish soap for a large red soft shell suitcase after it came back from an overseas trip with dirt and grease marks all over it. I sponged it on lightly (not soaking it) and rinsed it the same way, then set it in the sun to dry.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Same, only I also used a vegetable brush to scrub the (decades-old) stains out of mine. My bag is originally pink but parts had become black! But 30 minutes of Dawn and elbow grease and it’s pink again.

        (And because it’s Lands End, I expect it to last for another few decades of rolling along cobblestones abroad, so the cleaning time was worth it.)

    3. Ranon*

      For soft the first thing I do is vacuum them, makes a big difference (and then if you do any wet cleaning you’re not spreading loose dirt around). Hard shell wipe clean with a damp cloth and dish soap.

  46. Zephy*

    So, after being married for two years, my husband and I are finally going on a honeymoon!

    We’re going to Germany; planning to stay mostly around Berlin, with one day trip planned to Hamburg at some point for the Miniatur Wunderland museum specifically.

    We both have experience with airports in general and international flights in particular, but it’s been years – any tips from more recent travelers? Recommendations for gear, gadgets, airlines, airports/routes? We have a plug adapter/voltage converter, and good headphones for the plane ride(s). We also specifically need to fly business class, in a plane with seats that fold down flat – hubs is recovering from back surgery (~1 year out), and he needs to be able to lie down flat for a 14-hour trans-Atlantic flight.

    The exact timeframe for this trip is still kind of up in the air – Hubs is finishing a career training program that ends with a licensing exam, he wants to take the test before we go so he doesn’t have to think about it the whole time or worry about all the knowledge falling right out of his head over the Atlantic, but he can’t schedule his exam until September, and he can’t take it until December 16 at the absolute soonest. I’m hoping we can get over there in the neighborhood of Christmastime. Anything we ABSOLUTELY NEED to check out in Berlin in December or January? We like museums (of all kinds – art, history, technology, whatever) and beer, which I realize does not help narrow down the list of Cool Things To See Literally Anywhere In Germany at all, but if you have a fave (or a warning, about something to skip), I want to know! Given that this will be a winter trip, I’m also very open to recommendations for where to buy cold-weather gear. We live in a hotter climate that doesn’t really “do” winter as such, so neither of us have much in the way of cold gear beyond the small stuff – hats, scarves, gloves. Footwear and outerwear recommendations are very welcome.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Was there a few years back, visiting child working there. Child recommends all cathedrals.

      A conductor got very mad at us for being on the wrong train. (I think it was an express and the tickets were local?) As soon as he realized that despite being very blond we spoke no German and were just confused Americans, he immediately became very helpful, explaining where we’d gone wrong and what we should do next time. On another attempt to take a train somewhere it turned into an express, which was announced in German, dooming our attempt to get off in the town where our boat was.

      So, ask for help before embarking confidently by train, just in case this now goes express to somewhere an hour past your destination.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        We got scolded for crossing against the light in Munich! That is, I assume we were being scolded – I don’t speak German but this old man was shaking his finger at me and speaking loudly and annoyedly.

        Whatever. There was absolutely no traffic coming from either direction on a small side street. We had places to be.

        NB In Spain, all the pedestrians kinda shrug at the same time and jaywalk en masse.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          It is illegal in Germany to cross on a red light, even if there isn’t any traffic.

          I once heard a story of a pedestrian crossing when the red light was on, got knocked over and ended up in hospital. When they recovered, they were presented with a fine.

      2. Zephy*

        Oh yes, I love a good cathedral, we’ll be sure to visit at least one!

        I’m already doing my research on How To Public Transit, good tip about the trains – there is not much transit to speak of where we are, so we definitely need to look up details about how to do that.

        Thank you!

    2. Jay*

      United Polaris has good first class seats – not sure what they do for business class.

      For outerwear, I’d start checking out ThredUp for gear from Patagonia, Columbia, or Northface. We went to Iceland four years ago; in prep for that trip I bought a Patagonia jacket that I LOVE. It’s waterproof (really waterproof), wind-resistant, and has a thin warm zip-out lining that can be worn separately. I paid full price for it at REI because we hike a lot and we live in the northern part of the US. It wears like iron – still looks brand new – and was worth every penny. With this much lead time, though, you can probably find the equivalent for much less on ThredUp.

    3. comityoferrors*

      I have no advice but I’ll be reading with interest since we’re hoping to visit Germany next summer too. Sounds like a blast!

      Congrats on your marriage and finally getting your honeymoon!

      1. Zephy*

        Thank you! I’m so excited. I’ll try to remember to come back for another weekend thread with updates, LOL – I basically only ever read AAM when I’m in the Forbidden Zone, so I always forget about the open threads on Saturday/Sunday.

    4. Random Bavarian*

      I live in Germany (Bavaria) and haven’t been to Berlin in at least five years but here are some some random thoughts / recommendations I had:
      – Weather:
      Winter in Germany is a little unpredictable but I’d stay it’s mostly around 0 – 10 °C (32 – 50 °F). But it can get wet and / or windy, so I would bring a waterproof / windproof
      (or wind-resistant) jacket and plan with layers. There is also talk about not heating public buildings as much as normally because of the current energy market, so keep
      that in mind. I’m wearing sneakers years round and maybe my hiking boots with thick socks on the coldest days.
      – Airports:
      I haven’t been to the new Berlin airport (Berlin-Brandenburg, BER) so I can’t help there. If you fly via Frankfurt or Munich give yourself some time for transit.
      Those are the biggest airport in Germany and both have satellite terminals so the transit can take some time.
      – Timeframe:
      In Berlin is normally one of the biggest fireworks in Germany on New Years Eve. No idea if it can take place this year.
      – Covid
      If you’re vaxxed and / or had Covid, take proof with you. Also bring some FFP2 masks. You (probably) have to wear them on public transport.
      – Day-trip to Hamburg:
      You can get there easily by train. Look for an ICE connection (the fastest but also the priciest). You can save money if you book your ticket in advance. I would
      probably also reserve a seat. Otherwise it could be possible that you have to stand part of / the whole time.
      I really liked the sightseeing and the harbour tour in Hamburg. There is also a chocolate museum.
      – Museums in Berlin:
      I liked the Mauermuseum and the Deutsches Historisches Museum.
      – Misc:
      Don’t be surprised if you have to pay for using a public toilet (normally between 0,50 – 1€).

      1. Zephy*

        Thank you so much, this is very helpful!

        We are fully vaxed and boosted, might get double boosted before the year is out if they’re recommending it for people under 40 (I haven’t checked). Is FFP2 like N95 or is it a different standard?

        If we’re in town for NYE I hope there are fireworks! I love fireworks displays, I’m sure it’s fantastic to see.

        We are planning to fly into Berlin, so I guess I’ll find out what that airport is like. I’ve spent some time in Munich and Frankfurt for layovers on my way to/from Russia in college, and the tiny slivers of those airports that I experienced 10 years ago were pleasant enough, so I hope BER is nice as well.

        1. Random Bavarian*

          Apparently FFP2 is the German standard and N95 the American. I think you can use both of them interchangeably but I’m not completely sure.

    5. Lifelong student*

      A small thing- but very moving. The underground library at the plaza where the big book burning occurred.

      When we were in Berlin there were walks one could take- Berlin Walks. There were flyers at hotels. It was in English and quite good. I look for these in every major city we go to now- better than tour buses.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh, god, I bawled looking down at the bookshelves in the plaza.

        I second the walks – they’re generally free, just tip the guide, plus some of them also have additional more specialized tours that you can do that aren’t free but still eminently worthwhile.

    6. 30ish*

      One thing to keep in mind if you go around Christmas is that it gets dark quite early. Like it starts at 3 p.m. But Berlin is always cool, even in the winter.

      1. 30ish*

        Another thing is that Berlin is quite big with many different boroughs so I would recommend really thinking about where you want to be located. E.g, Northern Kreuzberg could be good because it is central but has much more charm than Mitte where many museums are located. I would not worry too much about clothing, if you are too cold you can buy anything you need in Berlin.

        1. Zephy*

          I think the hotel we’re planning to book is in Mitte, but thank you for the tip! We’re probably going to spend a day in this borough, a day in that borough, and just kind of explore, while treating the hotel room as sort of a “home base.”

      2. Zephy*

        Oh yeah, the extra-short days that far north is definitely something to be aware of. Do businesses tend to close early in winter as well, like could we conceivably be caught out at 6 PM with nowhere to get food or something like that?

        I did a semester abroad in St. Petersburg, Russia in undergrad and it seemed like everything closed at 5 PM year round no matter when the sun rose or set (which it stops doing at certain times of year, being north of the Arctic Circle).

        1. 30ish*

          Not at all, there will be tons of restaurants and shops that stay open late. It‘s a very vibrant place.

        2. allathian*

          St. Petersburg is well south of the Arctic Circle, around 59 N, but it does get dark early in winter (I’m in Helsinki, at 60 N). Around winter solstice, we get 5 hours of daylight if we’re lucky. Usually it’s cloudy at that time of year, so we only get a sort of twilight.

          I spent 3 days in Berlin in the summer 2019, during a heatwave (38 C/99 F). We ate once in the KFC that’s just to the east of Checkpoint Charlie.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Noise-cancelling headphones make the flight more pleasant!

    8. Not giving myself away*

      Perfect timing! I live just outside Berlin and I’m home visiting in the states for the first time in three years. Unfortunately, I’m pressed for time at the moment, but I’ll dump what I can as fast as I can.

      Some thoughts, in no particular order:
      -The new airport is a huge step up from the old ones. It might not be perfect, I’ve only been through once, but the old ones were completely over capacity and it showed. It was quite embarrassing for many Germans, as was the saga of the mismanagement of the project to build a new one. I am so happy it is now finished and functional.
      -Christmas markets! For the whole of December, Germany had gorgeous, warm, expensive, kinda kitchy but wonderful Christmas markets. I highly recommend them. If you like alcohol there are some traditional drinks to try. They are an experience.
      -I love the Pergamon museum! Any of the museums on the museum island are good options, pick as it suits your interests. There are great cafes and such in the surrounding area, too.
      -When we have time, when folks visit, I like taking people to Max and Moritz for a slightly touristy but delicious, very old Berlin style dining experience.
      -It is definitely true that every Kietz (neighborhood/quarter) has its own personality. Do some research about what you want because it will definitely change your experience. It is a huge huge sprawling city.
      -Speaking of big, Berlin has lots and lots of different local public transit options that can be confusing. Bus, Tram, S-Bahn, U-Bahn, Stadtbahn…it can take more than an hour to get from one end to the other, or from one spot to another. The website/app for that is bvg.de . Berlin ist also kinda notorious for public transit flubs, like a train or bus dropping or being late, but that is judged based on German expectations, so you should take that with a big pinch of salt. If they are announcing something, usually it’ll also be said in English, but ask around if you didn’t understand.
      -I’m seeing some stories of people mixing up trains for intercity transport. To give you a primer: ICE=Inter City Express, they are the fastest. IC=Inter City, also fast but not as. RE=regional express, and R is regional. Then, often, there are also S-Bahns, which are commuter trains from the surrounding area or in the city. Any other names (e.g. ODEG) are run by companies other than Deutsche Bahn and are sortof at the RE level. ICE will be more expensive than IC but not by much. The bigger difference is to RE and R (or ODEG etc.). You can always take a slower train with a more expensive ticket, but the reverse is not true. S-Bahn train tickets tend to be city based (so they work with bus, team, Stadtbahn and U-Bahn, all together) and are usually purchased with zones. In Berlin there’s a “Ringbahn”, an S-Bahn that travels in a circle around the city. Inside that ring is Zone A, outside is B and C. And so on. There’s a logic, even though it is confusing from the outside! Tickets are purchased in an office or at a terminal.
      -The Miniatur Museum is lovely! Hamburg will also have Christmas markets. There’s good things to see there too, but I am not as familiar for quick winter visits.

      1. Westsidestory*

        Often in Berlin for business and highly recommend the Swiss Hotel. It’s central and easy walk to good restaurants and the plaza where there may be a Christmas market when you go.

    9. Circuses are Coordinated*

      Frequent transatlantic flyer here- Delta, KLM and AirFrance all have fold-flat business class seats. Delta tends to have older planes where the ‘bed’ is shorter so I prefer KLM/AF. United Polaris as someone else said in the comments also has fold flat. Lufthansa- depends on the plane, some of the older ones aren’t exactly flat.

      I’d start researching prices and routes now to get an idea of when/where routes are cheaper. If you can travel mid-week tickets tend to be cheaper. There’s been more chaos than normal at major hubs but with business class tickets Schipol has priority check-in and security lines. Arrivals is smooth and departure we’ve been fine getting there less than three hours before boarding. CDG is…CDG, would not recommend.

      Good luck and have fun researching cool spots to see!

    10. ghost_cat*

      Another vote for the Pergamon Museum in Berlin. It is breath-taking. We loved in so much, we went to Pergamon site on a subsequent visit to Turkey. I’d also recommend the roof walk on Berliner Dom and registering ahead to get tickets to visit the dome of the Reichstag Building. I liked Charlottenburg Palace, particularly with the Christmas market stalls. If you like imperial history, there is Sanssouci Palace at Potsdam, but it was the king’s summer residence – none of the fountains will be operating and you might also find that many of the garden statues will also be boxed up to protect them from the weather. If you were keen to head south to Munich, one of my favourite day trips in Germany is to get the train up to the Zugspitze. At that time of year, you could also visit Partnachklamm gorge for the frozen waterfalls.

    11. TeaFiend*

      My own lil’ contribution:
      – Christmas markets normally end at Christmas (rather than running all the way to NYE)
      – Berlin has a very cool Espionage Museum (the Pergamom is also amazing)
      – Water in restaurants etc isn’t free, so if you like to drink water be prepared for it to cost you juuust under the cost of a glass of juice or cola. Germans also love sparkling water, so if you like the non-carbonated stuff you have to order it still (stilles Wasser) or without (ohne)
      – Most grocery stores will be closed on Sundays, and most other shops may have very limited opening hours on Sundays
      – Don’t forget to validate your ticket when catching the local/regional transport (like the underground ‘U-Bahn’ or the S-Bahn).
      – The train from Berlin Airport into the city normally takes 40-50 minutes
      – Leipzig is a city SE of Berlin that I think is worth a visit if you plan a few things to do. Takes about an hour to reach by train and has some cool museums/art-stuff (like the Kunstkraftwerk)
      – If someone offers you a rose on the street, don’t accept it (was new to me when I moved here!)

      1. Cheezmouser*

        Also RE grocery stores: you bag your own groceries and bring your own bags, unlike in the US. I was caught without my own bags the first time I tried grocery shopping.

    12. SG*

      If you can find the time for a side trip to Prague, it will be well worth your while! I’ve been all over Europe and few places have the beauty and charm of Prague, and it’s an easy trip from Germany. My fave German city is Munich, although Berlin is a vibrant and wonderful city. In Berlin I recommend the Checkpoint Charlie museum. And learn at least a little German if you can!

    13. bratschegirl*

      Have a wonderful trip! The only thing I will add is that I’m hearing absolute horror stories about the time it takes currently to get from the airport door through security and to your gate for international flights, especially if you’re checking bags. Seems like the old advice of 3 hours before an international flight is definitely not enough right now (though this could be very different outside the summer travel season) so just be aware of that.

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Id avoid LHR if at ALL possible, Im not sure what they have going on there at the moment but Ive been through a few times this summer on both longhaul and EU and its a hot mess. Schipohl isn’t supposed to be much better, but we did a layover there in May and it was fine (but empty. and everything closed).

      I’d recommend a European airline over an American one (exceptions of Delta or AA -United has some truly terrible food) – SAS Scandinavian currently have a sale going from the EU to the US, you may want to see if they have something for the reverse – very nice business class – hubs are Copenhagen or Stockholm. Husband has taken Swiss longhaul and had good things to say about them, and we recently enjoyed our Finnair flight longhaul to Asia and really liked Helsinki for transfer.

      Pop into Uniqlo for Heat Tech under clothing items!

      Can’t remark much about Berlin – we’ve been three times and while it was enjoyable I just didn’t get the vibe, or maybe the vibe wasn’t the one we were looking for. There was this one shopping mall by the burned out church that was full of small and boutique producers we really enjoyed. The Berlin city shop by the Brandenburg Gate has some great gifts. Mostly I think we walked around Kreuzberg and Charlottenburg looking for record shops, unique gorgeous things, or were at gigs in the evenings. I wish I had gone to the Neues Museum, and I believe the new concert hall is now finished, so you may want to see whats on and go to a classical concert or opera!

    15. ex-berliner*

      From Berlin but havent lived there in a while.
      Don’t stay in Mitte. It is a food wasteland, so depressing! Do go to the museums. All the city owned museums can be visited on the same ticket for their permanent exhibits (at least this used to be the case). Check out the opera houses, usually they play crowd pleasers at Christmas and do get booked up but if you buy soon it could be fun.
      Know that everyone can and will set off fireworks for New Years. Drunk people throw fireworks at other people. LOTS of injured people every year. I hate being in Berlin for New Years and try to stay in.
      It will be dark and rainy and feel cold. Plus, it is a walking city so you will be outside a lot.
      You really don’t need to learn German for Mitte. Everyone will be international and not speak German! When you get to the other areas, maybe.

    16. SundayDriver*

      Atlas Obscura has a lot of fabulous recommendations for Berlin. If you like shopping in unusual/crafty kinds of stores, Hackesche Höfe is fun. Seconding also the Christmas markets – so fun!!

    17. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Sorry, one more thing to maybe be aware of this winter is the whole gas/energy supply issue. Folks from/in Germany may be better placed to comment as to what Germany’s plans are at the moment but the limits on natural gas from Russia may impact activities or shop opening hours.

    18. Doctors Whom*

      I love Berlin – lived in the West in the 80s and have been back a few times in the last decade. Some things I loved that have not been mentioned:
      – DDR museum – it’s small and a really enjoyable peek at East Berlin culture – satisfies the Ostalgia curiosity:)
      – The ghost station exhibit at Nordbahnhof
      – Dinner & beer at BRLO, right off the Gleisdreieck station – the place is made from reclaimed shipping containers and while the menu is simple, the food is incredible. Beer is great.
      – On the food front we also enjoyed Kartoffelkeller, because we love everything potato and it was a fun experience.
      – Depending on how you feel about driving manual (and very old manual!) you can do the self-drive Trabi car tours. I think they are near to Potsdamer Platz – they have a bunch of brightly painted Trabi cars and you do a self-driving caravan across the city. We had a lot of fun.
      – I really love the Checkpoint Charlie Haus museum. Checkpoint Charlie area itself has gotten a little ridiculous, but I love the escape exhibits.
      – The Allied Life museum near Oskar Helene-Heim Ubahn is in the old Army MWR theater and old Army library building. They have part of one of the old CIA tunnels, too. As someone who was a military brat during the cold war, I loved it.
      – Go to the RitterSport Schokowelt and you can make your own custom Ritter Sport bar.
      – Someone mentioned the Riechstag dome – there is a restaurant on the roof and dining on the roof of a capitol building was a neat experience. If you get reservations there, they include the timed entry to the dome.

      Be sure to get the Welcome Card booklet with your transit passes – the discounts on events and attractions are quite good.

      Enjoy your trip!

      1. Zephy*

        Oh man, I would love that driving tour – tragically, I can barely drive a very modern automatic. My husband would know how to drive the old manual Trabi (love that, it’s very cute), and would probably relish the experience, I just don’t think his body will be up to the challenge for a while yet.

        I’m furiously scribbling down these food and drink and museum recs, though, we’ll be sure to check those out. Thank you!

    19. Cheezmouser*

      Speaking of Pergamon Museum, my favorite Doener kebab place was near that museum, underneath the overpass right when you exit the Ubahn from Friedrichstrasse station. Granted this was nearly 20 years ago when I was studying abroad in Berlin, but if you’re near museum island and it’s still there, I recommend it for a quick budget friendly lunch.

      There were tons of carts selling bratwurst with mustard on a bun in the streets. I guess it’s like hot dog carts in New York. I tried several and they were always good.

      Visit a Turkish market if you can. I loved wandering the stalls at the one in Kreuzburg every Thursday.

    20. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Late, but as a frequent Miniatur Wunderland visitor, my no 1 tip, just in case you haven’t come across it yet, because this has been crucial to my enjoyment of the museum: Go as late as possible – I’m not sure what their opening times this winter will be, but we usually go during summer on days when they’re open until 1 or 2am.
      We book tickets in advance for a time slot 3-4 hours before closing. It drastically reduces crowds – after midnight it really empties out and you can explore as much as you want, double back, look at things repeatedly, press the interactive buttons 6 times if you want to without feeling like someone else is waiting behind you etc.
      If you stay until closing, it can feel like you have the place to yourself in the last 30 minutes.

  47. Fluff*

    Anyone else going to DragonCon? I am so looking forward to putting “at DragonCon, back on Tuesday” on my out of office. What are you looking forward to the most at the con?

    I have not gone for 2 years (thanks COVID).

    You’ll find me in the EFF forum, costuming (finally got a kiddo interested in building some awesome cosplay – start them young), writing work shop, art and more art. And most importantly finding a huge group where I suddenly can awkward comfortably and nerd out!

    3. The OG Sleepless*

      Me! My (college age) kids and I will be there Monday. If you see a very tall trio, a young man dressed as Francis from Left for Dead with a somewhat ace young lady and a middle aged chick (costumes TBA), give us a shout. We’ll be in the art area too. The director of the art show is an old friend of mine.

  48. BellyButton*

    Last year we sold our house in Texas and bought 30 acres in New Mexico. We are building a house and have been living in an RV for almost a full year now. I AM SO F-ING OVER THE RV! Contractors and builders can be so frustrating. The builder has promised the house will be done in 4 more months, but I am trying not to get my hopes up.
    Has anyone else done this?

    1. YNWA*

      I haven’t lived in an RV but we did go through a home building process. It was a townhome and this was 2003-2004. We were supposed to be able to move in December 2003 but didn’t actually get to move in until March 0f 2004. I think delays are pretty much the norm, especially now.

      1. YNWA*

        And then after moving in, they had to replace part of the flooring in the living room because it was buckling. It was no cost to us, but frustrating.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Decades ago, my father built a house. Yeah, super stressful and lotsa stories. Years later I read that it’s among the top reasons divorces happen.

      I am sure there are a thousand reasons why they are beyond deadline. Do they have a new finish time? Is there a point you can move into the house while they finish things off?

    3. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Are you from NM? If not, the first lesson you’ll learn is, nothing NOTHING in NM will happen on time or even close to it. The land of mañanas for a reason. I love it for that reason.

    4. KatEnigma*

      My in-laws did… Specifically to build and when faced with another delay and builders who didn’t want to follow the contract (because they could sell it for more) gave up after a year and bought a house they could move in to… And almost immediately sold the RV!

    5. Bartleby the Blogger*

      Living it now. I retired in 2020, moved back to home state in 2021 and began the design process, was supposed to start building this spring, then had delay til September waiting for the concrete foundation. Meanwhile I’m living with my octogenarian parents and have actually had the words “You’re not the boss of me” come out of my mouth a couple of times. Builder said it would take 9 months, but at this point I’d be happy if its by the end of 2023. I stopped trying to estimate a move in date, I can’t take the disappointment in the delay. I try to find things to do that make me happy to pass the time here. I fantasize about buying an RV and parking it somewhere remote to enjoy the quiet.

        1. Bartleby the Blogger*

          They are loving it. I can find them movies on demand and with streaming since we have the internet now. And order groceries and anything they want on the internet. Getting internet access was a condition on me moving in. I’m disabled, but lived and worked independently in another state. They are thrilled to be able to ‘take care’ of me although I feel smothered and guilty for feeling smothered. I’ve managed to convince them to see new Drs and their health is so much better than when I arrived. So I’m grateful for that.

    6. Road warrior*

      We are about to start this process but purchased a house to live in while we deal with building our dream house on 7 acres. I feel your pain, we thought about renting while building but with 4 pets a lease would be hard to get. We had paid off the mortgage of our current house so we could afford to purchase before moving.

      Once our current house is sold we will start engaging an architect and builder to get the house of our dreams.

      Hang in there!

  49. Atomic Tangerine*

    I’m having trouble posting my replies to these threads in the right place from my phone and I can just hear my 17-year-old derisively muttering “boomer” every time I make a mistake. I AM GEN X KIDDO HOW DARE YOU YOU’RE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU’RE THIRTY.

    Anyone else feel my pain here?

    1. RosyGlasses*

      Me!! I’ve had three fails – but I think I just have fat fingers that have a propensity for finding the reply button in the wrong thread

    2. blueberry muffins*

      samesies.
      I have an 18-yr-old and am gen-X, but I found the whole boomer thing in very poor taste – we’re not so rude to other groups of people.

      1. PollyQ*

        100% agree. We wouldn’t (I hope!) consider any other demographic slur acceptable, so I (another X-er) see no reason this should be any different.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Is boomer considered a slur?! I thought the term had been around for decades and originated from historians?

          1. Maree*

            I would consider it a slur the way it is currently used. Many words that are slurs are centuries old and were in common societal use.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              There’s a difference between a word with whose usage is currently coming up with negative connotations and a slur.

          2. ThatGirl*

            It’s not a slur, I think that is a bit extreme, it’s not like using any other number of words that are truly offensive – I would say it’s being used derisively.

          3. Observer*

            I thought the term had been around for decades and originated from historians?

            Sure. But that has nothing to do with how the term is currently used. The usage of words changes, and in this case the change has been very much for the worse.

            Google “OK boomer” to see just how much of a slur it is.

            1. ThatGirl*

              It’s not a slur, for Pete’s sake, it’s jokey and derisive but not even remotely on par with actually offensive words.

              1. PollyQ*

                Why isn’t it a slur? Not in its original use to simply label a generation, but when it’s used in an “OK, boomer” way to dismiss someone simply because of their age? No, it’s not as longstanding and offensive as some other slurs out there, but “not as bad” shouldn’t be our yardstick for whether something is acceptable language.

                1. ThatGirl*

                  If someone wants to be offended, that’s their right, but it’s not a slur because Baby Boomer is – has long been – the accepted name of the generation. You can use just about any term derisively or insultingly, that doesn’t make them slurs. It’s a very silly thing to get upset about in my opinion, and it waters down the idea of actual hateful language.

                2. PollyQ*

                  @ThatGirl — I vastly disagree. To me, the damage that “othering” causes in what you’d consider more substantive cases means that we need to be careful not to start down that path in all situations. What makes language “hateful” is the attitude behind it, not the specific verbiage, and insulting people because of their age or generation absolutely counts as hateful, regardless of which direction it’s going.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Um, I agree it’s in poor taste and people shouldn’t do it, but Millennials and their avacodo toast get equally rude treatment from pretty much every other demographic group (and if you think “Millennial” isn’t being used as a derogatory term, please join TikTok and follow any Gen Z accounts).

        1. PollyQ*

          I absolutely agree that Millennial is also used as a slur, and Zoomer will be too soon, if it isn’t already, but they don’t cancel each other out.

          1. Observer*

            Yes. They are all ugly, and it’s time to stop it.

            I think that the fact that each of these tropes exists is proof of something that also gets pointed out a lot. Many of the “differences” we see are more about different stages than actual generations. People have been complaining about “kids these day” and rolling their eyes about “out of touch oldsters” for about as far back as we have records…

    3. KatEnigma*

      Not this week (knock wood) but yes…last weekend at least twice. If I weren’t as lazy as I am, I would move to my PC.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The mobile interface is awkward. Tell your kid from mine to yeet the attitude.

    5. Burnt Eggs*

      When I want to comment, I scroll up to the original comment, hit Reply, and then when the box to type in comes up, I scroll down so I can see the comment I’m actually replying to. Sorry if this is super basic info, but it’s saved me fails since I started double checking!

      1. KatEnigma*

        But if you accidentally hit anything in between – without even knowing you did so- it posts it on the thread you accidentally clicked.

  50. Jackalope*

    So, book thread! What is everyone reading this week? Any recommendations, or requests for recommendations?

    I’m about halfway through The House of the Spirits by Isabella Allende, which I’ve mentioned the last few weeks. I’m enjoying it but I can only take so much of it each day since magical realism isn’t the easiest genre for me.

    1. Bluebell*

      So this week I finished a book that was so bad it was good – The Perfect Marriage by Jeneva Rose. I’m not a lawyer, but even I knew the plot was ridiculous (wife defends husband when he’s charged with murdering his mistress) and the twist was awful. I started The Roughest Draft by Emily Wibberly, and it’s like Beach Read, but the protagonists are 100X more angsty. My holds list is moving along pretty slowly, and most things on my wish list have a 20+ week wait. Anny recommendations for a fun read that maybe came out last summer, and won’t have a waitlist at the library? I like strong female characters, am OK w historical fiction, but not a big fan of SF/Fantasy.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Posted last week but it’s worth repeating. I caved and got a library card and last week read Paul Tremblay’s Survivor Song all the way through in one sitting. I realize not everyone likes apocalyptic plague fiction (rabies this time), but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

      It’s hard to read in here because the light is so low. I’m going to look into borrowing books on Kindle.

      1. Pedestrian Librarian*

        Library cards aren’t caving! They are using your tax dollars to enjoy pooled resources!! ;D

        Seriously, enjoy the eresources! They are fun.

        1. sagewhiz*

          Yes! If it weren’t for the library, I’d not have room for all the books that I do buy, because spending even more I’d be forced to live at the address of This End Up!

          And for those who prefer e-books, they got ‘em. And streaming services and dvds. And music. And free language classes. And interlibrary loans for books your library doesn’t have. It is amazing what you’ll find once you get that lovely little card. All for free!

        2. Elizabeth West*

          But I’m not paying taxes here, lol.
          I got a tiny book light at Target for $5; I have several but they’re all packed. *sigh*

    3. Texan In Exile*

      YES! My friend Jeff Abbott’s new book, Traitor’s Dance (or, “Trader’s” Dance, if you want to go by the spelling of the person who texted my candidate back to tell the candidate he would never vote for a TRADER and I had to tell myself “DO NOT CORRECT HIS SPELLING DO NOT CORRECT HIS SPELLING”) is out and I picked it up from the library yesterday.

      The past few books Jeff’s written have been standalones, but he has returned to the Sam Capra series (which are my favorites). Sam, who is some secret agent with Special K or whatever the deep, dark, badder than the CIA agency is called, lives in Austin with his now-teenage son, who doesn’t know his dad is a spy/killer but has started to figure out something is going on.

      I stayed up late last night to read and am about to return to the book now, even though I have chores. Screw the chores. I want to read.

      BTW, the book is about Russia and spies and defectors and Jeff knows his stuff. He was a history major, including Russian history, in college.

      1. Bluebell*

        I read “An Ambush of Widows” and thought it was pretty good. Maybe I’ll try to pick up one of his series, or another standalone.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I love it when something is so good it keeps you up at night and makes you put everything else off. Enjoy!

      3. Wink the Book*

        I just finished the first part (three volumes) of the Ascendance of a Bookworm light novel series by Miya Kazuki. It’s the source material for the anime that came out a few years ago, and I have to say I am having a surprisingly fun time with it. It’s very readable, and while the main character makes Some Choices, the author does a really good job of setting up the culture conflicts in thoughtful ways.

        I also finished If It Makes You Happy by Claire Kahn. It’s a coming of age story about a young, fat, black woman and how she’s navigating the waters of her own family, romance and friendship (but in fairly non-stereotypical ways?), and generally dealing with the summer before her first semester of college. I ended up loving the main character, Winnie, a whole lot and appreciating how the author navigated the ambiguity of the transition into adulthood and dealing with elders and their expectations and experiences. Honestly, tho, it was just a straight up fun read and I really recommend it.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      A friend gave me this sweet YA graphic novel called *The Girl from the Sea* or something like that about a young teen girl who is rescued by — and falls in love with — a girl selkie (a seal who gets to be human every so often? I guess?) and comes out to her friends and family. All drama is pretty low-key, and all problems are solved with better communication, and it ends on a hopeful note. Might be a nice gift for an LGBTQ+ teen or tween.

      1. GoryDetails*

        The Girl From The Sea is on my want-list – sounds charming! (See also the “Tea Dragon” books by K. O’Neill, gentle pastel fantasy-world stories with a diverse cast – different races (including demi-humanoid fantasy beings as well as obviously-human ones), same-sex couples, someone in a wheelchair – all presented as part of the community. Also, the tiny tea dragons are adorable!)

        Oh, and Jeanette Arroyo’s “Blackwater,” in which the school jock finds himself attracted to the school nerd, with some complications: the nerd has a chronic illness and the jock got bitten by a werewolf. It’s much more light-hearted than it might sound!

    5. Elle*

      I’m listening to Mrs. March by Virginia Feito. Very strange and I’m not sure where it’s going. But I’m enjoying it.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve been on a Jenny Colgan kick — I needed some real feel-good stories, and Jenny is a master of the story about a woman down on her luck who risks her savings to start a small business where she joins or builds a community of like-minded people.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Books I’ve really been enjoying lately include:

      MIRABILE by Janet Kagan, a linked short-story cycle set on a remote planet where a small population descended from Earthlings are attempting to incorporate Earth-genetic creatures into the local ecosystem – with lots of unexpected side effects. The protagonist is a woman in what sounds like late middle-age, who is devoted to monitoring and tweaking (where necessary) the new organisms that develop – and to mentoring the next generation, most of whom seem to adore her. So far it’s surprisingly good fun, not least because after a lifetime of ardent SF fandom I don’t think I’ve encountered Kagan’s work before… It has elements such as cheerfully-elderly folk still doing their work and finding romance, bickerings among different communities based in part on their specific ecological niches and in part on cultural baggage from Earth, and some truly delightful mutations; tweaking Earth sheep to be able to eat the local vegetation resulted in sheep with rich blue wool, and an apparently freakish mutation in Earth-kangaroos at first presented as scary-sounding “kangaroo rex” and then – well, I won’t spoil it, but there’s an on-world community of Australian descent that was delighted to find out what those carnivorous marsupials were becoming.

      SUNDIAL by Catriona Ward, a horror novel in multiple viewpoints with flashbacks. I had some trouble getting into it because the protagonist is a woman in a very abusive marriage – and who has serious issues of her own – and nobody’s very likable at all, but the story has drawn me in. And it has some impressive twists and re-interpretations-of-events that kept me involved.

      And I finished ANGELMAKER by Nick Harkaway, a hefty tome with a delightful steampunk-in-modern-times vibe mixed with a kind of gangster/heist plot, and a collection of characters who became more fun the better I got to know them.

      On audiobook, I’m in the middle of COSMOGRAMMA by Courttia Newland, a short story collection featuring tales with a historical retrospective on the rise of humanoid androids and their eventual rebellion, an inside view of some kind of zombie-like plague, and a drug-user who finds himself encountering his younger and older selves.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        Awww MIRABILE by Janet Kagan. I read her stories in the sci fi magazines when they were published and enjoyed them so much I eventually tracked down the book. Haven’t read it in a while, but I remember it being good fun and sweet. Also science (!!!) saves the day, I think.

    8. The Person from the Resume*

      This week I finished The Siren Queen by Nghi Vo and I feel the same as you. It’s magical historical fantasy in pre-code Hollywood but the magic rules are never clearly explained so the whole book is trying to absorb new knowledge of the world.

      I was not a page turner just because I had to read slow. OTOH it was a surprise. As I was getting closer and closer to running out of pages I honestly had no idea how the author was going to wrap up the plot line. I would recommend it if you think it will appeal to you.

      OTOH for the way I read/listen, I do not recommend the audiobook. It needs more attention than I give an audiobook.

    9. Clisby*

      I’ve just started reading The Sweet Remnants of Summer, Alexander McCall Smith’s latest Isabel Dalhousie novel.

    10. Ali + Nino*

      I just finished Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth, the memoir that inspired the popular BBC and PBS series (which I’ve never seen) – I loved it and was so sad for it to end (I also felt like it ended pretty abruptly, but whatevs).

      Would love some recommendations for other memoirs of women doing cool stuff!

      1. Roland*

        In case you don’t already know, she wrote 3 books, not just the one! They are pretty much the same so if you enjoyed it I’d keep going. (Also… highly recommend the tv show!)

    11. Angstrom*

      “The Annotated Big Sleep” by Raymond Chandler. The annotations are fascinating — everything from Los Angeles history to the etymology of gangster slang to insights into the characters.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      The Inheritance Games by Barnes, YA in which a poverty-line high school student living with her older half sib is summoned to the reading of a billionaire’s will. And he left her most of the estate. Why? Lots of clues and puzzles. Fast paced and breezy, heroine is likable, not deep but it is fun. I found the ending (which is setting up the next in a trilogy) a bit head scratching–like I was theorizing that in the past A then B then C, but apparently it was B then C then A? But requested the second book from the library.

    13. The Person from the Resume*

      Has anyone read Nevada by Imogen Binnie? Published in 2013, won a lambda literary award, and just rereleased.

      Wow! I’m reading it for book club and loving it so far. The main character is a trans woman, New Yorker, punk DIY scene, book loving book store employee. I can only relate to the book living part, but the author has amazing descriptions and turns of phrases.

      The dedication says it’s not a happy book, but I’m loving the writing so much I’m enjoying it.

    14. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Halfway through *Call Me a Cab*, a posthumously-published work by Donald E. Westlake that he seems to have written in the 1970s. It’s not his usual crime-themed work, but a pleasant read nonetheless about a New York City cabdriver and the woman who hires him to drive her to LA while she makes up her mind as to whether she’ll marry her fiance. It has some interesting observations about men’s reactions to women’s advancement in the workforce during that time. Not deep, but you could definitely take it to the beach or on a train ride to keep yourself occupied.

  51. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Please post any games you’re playing and how you like them. As always this is not limited to video games, and can be any kind of game you like.

    I’ve been a bit obsessed with Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes this week. I’ve spent a lot of time playing and grinding up several of my characters, and watching how they interact on a map together. I also just recruited a couple of new characters that are some of my favorites from Three Houses, so I’m pretty delighted about that.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My family has roped me into Stardew Valley and I just don’t get it. Any of you who do like it, give me suggestions for how a beginner can learn to love this game. I can’t even figure out why I’d want to do any of the things they want me to do!

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        ooo, i’d love some responses on this too! i like the music of stardew, but i couldn’t really get into the game itself.

        now, the sims? can and have happily played that for literal days on end…..

      2. frontlinER*

        OOOOOH I love Stardew! And this is coming from a person who put down the game for 6 months because I didn’t get it. Then, I picked it up again and that was that. The beginning of the game feels dry, like you can’t do much. But it builds on itself and becomes much more comprehensive. What do you struggle with?
        My advice? Really put a full in game year into the game, start over if you feel like you need to. The beauty of stardew is that you don’t have to play like everyone else, you can just go for it. I recommend starting with a Standard or Forest Farm (easiest imo). Go the community center route, and try to finish the bundles. You can give gifts to the villagers which in turn unlocks special cutscenes and gifts from them. Watch the TV in your house daily. Try to do the quests that you get in your journal.

  52. NoLongerFencer*

    As a new mom, my pet peeve is friends who promise to visit baby at designated time say 2 pm then text at 155 they’re running 45 min late having overslept or underestimated bus wait times. Happened twice so far (both childfree couples) and it’s really annoying bc I’m setting up snacks and working around my pump times. Most of my friends are childfree and I want to be social but it’s really challenging! Anyone dealing with similar?

    1. Texan In Exile*

      I haven’t been the mom, but if one of my mom friends explained how important it was to meet at the designated time because of pumping and baby naps, I would completely understand. It’s a new world for your friends, but I think it’s OK to tell them that you don’t have the flexibility you used to have.

      (Also – oversleeping? Not checking bus schedules? And not letting you know until five minutes ahead of time? I’m – not a fan.)

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Eek! I have 100% been that childfree friend because I’m thinking my friend-with-baby is stuck at home all day anyway. Good to know!

    2. WellRed*

      Yikes! I don’t have kids but I would never presume it’s ok to mess up a new mom’s schedule.

    3. fposte*

      Maybe lay out what your window is so that they know what’s so late they should cancel? And feel free to skip the snacks or ask them to bring them. I especially have some sympathy for the bus people, because they really don’t have any control over this, and if we’re talking weekends and/or a line change that’s really challenging.

      If you’d be comfortable with pumping after they come (not even necessarily in front of them), you can also say “Be aware that if things get started late, I’ll have to disappear for 20 minutes to pump/feed Bubeleh.” The advantage of a couple is that they can entertain each other while you do that.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Just talk to them. They don’t know how baby routines work.

      Or let them come over and hold the baby while you go pump. They’ll get it eventually.

      1. Girasol*

        I’m clueless about such matters and I sure wouldn’t mind if someone said, “That won’t work for me. Baby schedules are complicated! Can we reschedule?”

    5. Freebird*

      Have you told them this? As someone without kids, I have absolutely no clue what a new parent’s schedule is like. I’d hate for someone to resent me visiting them because I got held up due to relying on public transport, when I had no idea it was an issue.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I, too, don’t have kids. I wouldn’t have a clue as to how a new mom’s schedule works. I’m a very punctual person, but as we all know, things happen sometimes. I would hate to think I was severely inconveniencing someone and they didn’t tell me.

    6. Yeah summer!*

      As much as you can grow in comfort, keep your schedule. Feed the baby. Throw a drape over the front and pump away. Let them help themselves to a beverage. This is not the time for flawless entertaining. You have enough to do. People coming to your home should like you enough to be considerate of you.

      1. Yeah summer!*

        Oh one more thing. If you don’t have a pumping bra and don’t want to pay for one. you can cut out holes in an old bra for the pump to insert into.
        Hands free is a lifesaver.

    7. Sally*

      Slightly off topic, but aren’t you pumping directly after nursing? When I had my kids, this is what I did. I built up a supply of frozen milk. Then when I went back to work I would pump during the day but nurse in the morning and at night.
      Babies are way more efficient than pumps, which is why many people’s supply goes down when they nurse fewer times and pump instead.

      I’ve heard of people pumping instead of nursing directly, which I didn’t understand unless it was a factor such as a preemie or other situation.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        That’s not the question she asked and parents do NOT need you questioning and second guessing them.
        I’m glad you did what worked for you. She does NOT have to do it that way.
        And you don’t get to question her choices and complain that you “don’t understand” unless it meets your criteria for when you think it is acceptable.
        New parents get ENOUGH judgement from those in their lives without strangers online going “slightly off topic” to criticize and expect them to justify it.

      2. Pop*

        Lots of reasons one might pump – baby can’t latch properly, parent has an oversupply and has to in addition to nursing directly to relieve pressure, they are trying to increase milk production which pumping does, they are trying to build up frozen milk supply as you mentioned, and there are more. We don’t know the asker’s situation so yes, they have to schedule around pump times.

      5. Emma*

        Bodies are different, kids are different, preferences are different.

        I know plenty of people who exclusively pump or pump + formula, no nursing at all.

        Sometimes it’s a preference, sometimes it’s a medical thing. But definitely something to Google versus question a new mom who’s already made the decision.

        1. Emma*

          And one final thing – I have a close friend who had twins. One was great at nursing, the other was awful. So it really can vary, both by kid, but also by parent. People have their reasons for what they do!

      6. Observer*

        Slightly off topic, but aren’t you pumping directly after nursing?

        Not only off topic – and in fact irrelevant. Also, out of line.

        If that’s what you did and it worked for you, that’s fine. But the assumption that that’s what “everyone” (who, according to you is smart) does is wildly inaccurate. You are also making the assumption that the OP’s question implies that she’s pumping instead of nursing, which is not necessarily the case. And worst of all, based on this assumption you are apparently questioning her decision to do that. Totally inappropriate.

        Before you tell me that I’m / we’re misreading you, note that when a number of people have a similar reaction, odds are that they are right or that you are clearly miscommunication – and in either case, that’s on you.

    8. kiki*

      I think sometimes people feel more comfortable being late when they’re meeting somebody at their home since “they’ll just be at home hanging out, so it doesn’t matter when I show up.” But babies completely change things. I would mention your schedule after setting up a time. Something like, “2 is great because then I can pump at 1:00 and out then down for their nap at 3pm.” And don’t be afraid to tell your friends who are running really late that they should reschedule for another day!

    9. Double A*

      Everyone’s advice about talking to them is good! I also would let go of the idea that you have to be totally present and that the baby has to be awake during their visit. Also that you need to do anything to host!!! Ugh, new moms should not be doing anything to make guests comfortable beyond indicating where the water glasses and the bathroom are.

      If they show up when you need to pump, just excuse yourself to do it. If the baby is napping, that’s fine! You can let them know the rough timing of things ahead of time, but frankly there will be days when they arrive exactly on schedule and that’s the day baby went down for an early nap and sleeps 3 hours. Babies are even worse than child free friends about respecting your careful schedule.

      1. Marinda*

        Maybe tell your visitors an end time, like “I’d love to see you at 2:00 but I need you to leave at 3” or similar.
        Add something like “or I get really cranky if I’m late for my nap” if your guests know you mean it even if making a joke.

        I was a “nervous pumper” so I had to make sure I was in a quiet space where nobody could interrupt me. Otherwise pumping didn’t work as well, because I couldn’t relax. Just the thought of going into another room to pump while my guests were waiting for me makes me think oh HELL NO.

        But it’s hard to just ask people to leave, especially because they’re visiting you because they think it’s a nice thing to do. All the time what you really want to say is Thanks for the casserole, See the baby? We’re doing fine, We’ll get together again soon, Bye!! because you know the only time you’ll get a nap is when the baby is also napping.

    10. allathian*

      Talk to them! I used to have a friend who was notoriously bad at keeping appointments anyway, but it wasn’t a deal breaker when we met in a cafe after work and she sometimes had to work a bit later than planned. She didn’t have any kids, and she visited us when our son was 7 months old. We had arranged for her to arrive when my son was napping, so that we could have a snack and talk without distractions, but she was so late that when she arrived, he was up and eating, and after that less than half of my mind was on her. He’d just started to crawl, so my attention was even more focused on him than it would’ve been when he wasn’t mobile yet.

      She left early, and I haven’t seen her since… It’s been nearly 13 years. I guess she got mad when I rather pointedly said that if she hadn’t been late, we would’ve been able to talk more, and she would still have seen the baby before she left.

    11. HannahS*

      Talk to them! I have a 1 year old and my child and I were not on a schedule at all (different strokes!) so I likely wouldn’t assume that being a new mom meant that times were firm. Texting 5 minutes before is poor form though. I often ask people to text me when they leave, so that I have a sense of when they’ll arrive, and when I’m running late I tell people as soon as I know that I’ll be late. I ask if we should reschedule. Maybe that would work better for your friends– “baby’s on a schedule, so if you’re running late text me and I’ll let you know if we should reschedule.” For best results, let them know at the time of invitation.

    12. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      “I’d love to see you and show off the baby! Baby has a schedule that we’ll need to work around. If you come at 2:00, she’ll probably be awake and fed, so she’ll be at her cutest for about an hour. If you come outside that window, there will likely be baby care interruptions, but don’t worry, you can fold some laundry while you wait.”

    13. The Person from the Resume*

      I think you need to talk with them.

      Side note, though, I would have been upset by this and I don’t have kids. I’m generally punctual and expect people to be generally on time. 45 minutes late would be longer than I have patience for. It sounds like this is a change for you because of the baby.

      Just explain in advance to your friends that the baby’s schedule requires that you stick to a firmer schedule. That they need to be generally on time. And if they text or call to say they’re running too late, stick to your guns and tell them that they’ll have to reschedule.

    14. Observer*

      Are these people who are generally respectful of people’s time and schedules? I’m wondering because some of what you describe sounds pretty rude to me in general. Especially not letting you know that they are running late only 5 minutes before they are due to show up.

      Talking to them is a good idea regardless, but realize that if they are not good about keeping appointments, things may not change much and you are going to have to figure out when to just let go and accept that the visit is not going to be picture perfect and when you are going to have to explain the due to scheduling that you can’t work around you are going to have to reschedule.

      For the people who are normally ok with being on time, I think you need to explain to them that being home with a baby doesn’t mean being without a schedule. And in fact in some cases and respects the logistics make scheduling even MORE important. How much detail you get into depends on who you are speaking to, and your own comfort and personality. But for people like that understanding that this is not just a matter of “Oh, she’s home that day and it doesn’t really make a difference WHEN we show up” can be the light bulb moment they need.

    15. Analyst Editor*

      I think the best solution for all is to decide to be comfortable with having company while you pump, as long as it doesn’t disturb the baby, and making sure company is ok with you pumping in front of them, breast-feeding, changing diapers, interrupting to put baby down, that sort of thing.

      It opens up your flexibility to have people over (and be extra hands to get you a glass of water or something :p) so they’re not in 1-hour windows, which is difficult for any but the most punctual people to take advantage of and enjoy the visit, unless they live very close.

      Also, while it totally is a thing that people without children sometimes don’t really understand the needs of parents with children, and even parents with one newborn don’t understand the needs of parents with toddlers, tardy people will be tardy regardless of how many children they have. I know for me, my having children only made getting somewhere on time MORE difficult, though I have infinite sympathy for others in the situation needing a schedule (which is why if they have very tight requirements, I usually don’t arrange the meetup).

      1. Nora*

        It has never been my experience that it’s difficult for most people to show up on time. Just the opposite, most people can reliably show up at a specific time.

        1. The Person from the Resume*

          Yeah! In my experience it’s not hard for people to show up on time.

          Public transit makes it a bit more difficult and perhaps “underestimated bus wait times” means the buses were running late, but it sounds like they didn’t check the transit schedule until it was too late to start their trip earlier.

          And oversleeping is not a good excuse. Set an alarm if you need to wake up and go or if you’re taking a nap before you leave.

      2. Observer*

        I think the best solution for all is to decide to be comfortable with having company while you pump, as long as it doesn’t disturb the baby, and making sure company is ok with you pumping in front of them, breast-feeding, changing diapers, interrupting to put baby down, that sort of thing.

        I’m the kind of person who would be perfectly comfortable just doing what I needed to – but I wasn’t always that way. And when I wasn’t, it was NOT just a matter of “deciding to be comfortable.” That’s true for a lot of people- telling them to just not be uncomfortable is not always practical.

        As for “making sure” that others are not uncomfortable, the OP doesn’t have any control over what others are comfortable with. Of course, she can talk to them and find out how they feel. But if they don’t react the way you say they should, she still needs to deal with that.

        so they’re not in 1-hour windows, which is difficult for any but the most punctual people to take advantage of and enjoy the visit, unless they live very close.

        That’s just not generally true. I’m not saying that it’s never true, but being on time is not something that’s only relevant to people who have infants and pumping schedules. I mean, most people do manage to get to work on time, and to meet up with people for all sorts of things where someone showing up more that a few minutes after the agreed on time would cause problems.

  53. anon24*

    I know this has been discussed before, but those who moved from one country to another, tell me about it.

    I am sadly not well traveled at all and have only left the US once, but for years I’ve been dancing the with idea of leaving. However, I know it’s not as simple as just packing up and going, and that has kept me here. I have no concrete plans to go anywhere and no idea where I’d go, but the idea is moving in my head from an “I wish,” to an “I wonder if I could pull this off”

    So, explain to me like I’m 5, what would one need to know to move into the early stages of planning an inter-country move. How long did the whole process take, how much did it cost, how did you decide where to go, how often did you visit your new country, what career field you are in and how that worked, and anything else you feel like sharing. Unfortunately I have to spend tonight at the place we don’t mention on the weekends so I won’t be able to interact with any comments, but I appreciate anyone commenting!

    1. UKDancer*

      I’ve lived in various countries in Europe but it’s tended to be for my job. So my company has had posts available in their offices in different countries. I’ve gone for these jobs and worked there. So in my case it was a question of finding a job I wanted in a place I wanted to work and going for it.

      In choosing countries I tend to look at whether I speak the language and whether I’ll fit into the culture. I speak German and French and can get by and conform to societal expectations in the European countries where those languages are mainly used. So that’s influenced my choice. I’ve not particularly ever wanted to work and live somewhere I don’t speak the language although others are more comfortable living somewhere they don’t have the language skills. My cousin works teaching English in a Middle Eastern country and neither he nor his wife speak any Arabic and they seem to get by fine.

      I also look at whether I would “fit in” socially. So I wouldn’t go to Saudi Arabia or anywhere with religion based rules and codes for women that would require me to dress a certain way or constrain what I can and can’t do. As a fairly outspoken feminist and atheist I don’t think I’d fit in well in a religious society. As someone who is left wing in UK terms, I wouldn’t want to be somewhere that isn’t in synch with my personal values.

      These things are important to me but may not be to everyone.

      The other obvious constraint is the visa requirements. Some countries are easier to work in than others. I’d always say to check what the rules are for the place you want to go.

    2. PX*

      In terms of pulling it off, I’d say your first criteria needs to be where can you actually get a job and visa. Lots of people underestimate that getting a visa when you want to live and work in an entirely different country is a very different process than a tourist visa. So I’d pick a few countries that are English speaking for research purposes, and look at their visa criteria to start to get a feel for what requirements look like and how feasible such a move actually is for your circumstances.

      If you still feel like this is something you want to do after that, like UKDancer says, start thinking about cultural aspects (language, society, religion etc) to actually figure out *where* you’d like to go, and then start doing research into that specific country. Reading expat blogs/forums is a top tip as well.

      1. fposte*

        Strongly seconding the visa first approach. It’s important to realize it’s often less about whether you want than country than if the country wants you. For most of us, countries with decent infrastructures don’t want us unless we already have a right to citizenship or if we’re bringing a skill to the country that it’s short on in existing population. Working for a global corporation can mean that your employer will make the case for you, but it may also mean that you don’t have a lot of say over how long you get to stay or which country you go to.

        1. StellaBella*

          Thirding this – get a job which can sponsor you for a visa to live there. I got a job in Europe in 2008, got full residency in 2011 and have been here since – with a 2 year stint in another country in Europe that also needed a visa first then planned the move.

          Check out Internations expat blog for the cuties and countries you are interested in. Look up the local news papers online, brush up on language skills, read the government immigration webpages, and look at companies based in those places that sponsor expats to work there.

        2. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Yup. All of the visa processes I’ve been through have involved either making the argument in as many words that I am useful for the country or that I have enough money to not be expensive for them, should anything happen to me.

          Paramount to true permanent residency was having a job. For me, my original job training was not accepted in my new country, so I pivoted to IT. My new country was looking for people in IT, so it was easier, e.g. the minimum salary required was reduced etc.

          If you’re thinking of going someplace where you don’t know the language, I can only say learn it! Learn it learn it learn it! It doesn’t matter if you are good or if it comes easily to you, the effort means so much, especially if you plan to live there forever. It makes a difference in Visa stuff, too, sometimes. It’ll also help you figure out faster if you like the place you are in for the long term.

        3. Amey*

          100%. I’m an immigration adviser in a country that Americans are often interested in moving to (and I’m an American who did it myself!) and I second everything fposte says here. In my case, I came to the UK to study a degree, and ended up falling in love (with both my husband and the country!) and getting married. The marriage visa process now is much more difficult than it was when I got married 15 years ago – I have friends who haven’t yet managed to live in the UK together because of the catch-22 of the financial requirement. I know others who managed to get work visas after graduating from a UK university but for long-term settlement these need to be good jobs with desirable skills. Much easier to prove if you already live in the UK (not as a visitor) than if you’re overseas trying to come in.

          I do know a lot of people who’ve managed to live all over the world teaching English, that’s the main route that I’ve seen. But you won’t see that in English-speaking countries, and I don’t think it’s done so much in Europe either. My friends have lived in China, the Philippines, Taiwan, and South and Central America (I can’t remember which exact countries off the top of my head).

          I always feel like I’m being horrible about people’s dreams when I say things like this. But immigration isn’t just a hurdle to overcome once you’ve made your plans and I’ve seen so many people disappointed when they’ve got a long way down the road of planning a move.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        Can you legally work there? For most common people the answer is no; the country doesn’t need you to show up and take away a job from their citizen. There are rules and exceptions.

        Research if your ancestry would allow you to become a citizen of your ancestors’ home county. If you become a citizen (have your citizenship recognized) you can work and live there.

        I mostly laugh at the average person who says they’ll leave the country if something happens because I know they probably can’t pull it off. Movie stars and rich people? yes, they can do it because they’re famous and rich and often not actually trying to work in that country anyway.

    3. I'm Done*

      If you’re in the US, DoD (Dept of Defense) has lots of jobs overseas. Check USAJOBS. Also along the same lines, military contractor jobs supporting troops overseas. That’s probably the easiest way to get overseas since the government takes care of everything and your formal residency remains in the US. As a contractor you also pay no taxes on your income. I lived both in Germany and South Korea working for the military as a federal employee.
      That being said, that was after I lived in France and Germany as an Expat for almost 12 years. I didn’t work in France. I had a student visa and took French courses at l’Institute Catholique in Paris. I did look for a job in Paris but as an American it was hard at the time because if they needed English speakers they could hire a Brit without going through the copious bureaucracy of the visa process. Obviously, no longer an issue. I then moved to Berlin because I have family there. I had no issue getting a residence and an unrestricted work permit because the case worker told me that I was practically German since I spoke the local dialect. So I can’t really speak to the normal process. Once I had my permits, it took me six weeks to find a job. But again I speak fluent German.
      Bottom line though is when you look for jobs overseas you need to have some job skills that can’t be easily filled by local employment seekers. If you know a trade like electrician or plumber or you’re in the medical profession or IT, you should have good chances of succeeding. I know that Japan and South Korea has a lot of native English speakers working as English teachers so that’s another option. I would recommend that at minimum you familiarize yourself with some of the countries by visiting them before actually contemplating a move.

    4. spotted snail*

      Another route to go is if you can work remotely for a company, you can get a digital nomad visa in a variety of countries. That allows you to work ~ 6 months in the country at your job you bring with you. Note- I haven’t done this, if my company let me work 100% remote I’d be all over it. Otherwise, I’ve worked in ~ 5 countries on 4 continents, as an academic. If you don’t have a job that would be in high demand wherever you would want to go, I’d look into teaching English, or if you have some experise in something, becoming a teacher and working in English-language schools in foreign countries.

    5. Beverly Crusher*

      How old are you? If you are relatively young, like under 30 or under 25, you might be able to get a working holiday visa in one of a handful of countries. It’d be short-term, like probably less than a year, but still a great experience. Google “Working holiday visa for us citizens”.

      Another option if you’ve the money is to look into studying abroad.

      And definitely think about teaching English. Research which qualifications are most useful abroad and perhaps look into getting one.

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      I can’t comment on work visas, because when I moved from the UK to the US, it was on a fiance visa and when we returned to live in the UK, I sponsored my husband’s visa application.

      Some countries (including the UK) have special work visas with accelerated processing for jobs where there is a shortage of qualified UK nationals. If you search for “UK shortage occupation list”, you will find a gov.uk page with the list.
      In general, however, getting a visa can be a slow, expensive, stressful and frustrating process. The same goes for moving countries in general – but that doesn’t mean that the end result isn’t worth it.

      If you’re being sponsored for a visa either by your existing employer or by an employer in your destination country, the processing may be faster than other types of visa. You may also get relocation assistance with all the many mind-numbing admin tasks (it’s like moving house in the same country x 100) that you have to do when moving to a new country. Moving to a country close to your own or where you have family or close friends will make the logistics much easier.

      If your parents or grandparents have a different nationality to you, you may be eligible to apply for a passport from their country. (However, some countries don’t allow dual citizenship, so make sure you wouldn’t have to surrender your existing nationality if you wouldn’t want to do so.) For example, a lot of British people were able to apply for an Irish passport after Brexit so that they could still have visa-free access to the EU.

      If you retain a US passport or permanent residency and work in another country, you still have to pay US taxes, in addition to paying taxes in your country of residency. (As others in this thread have noted, working for the US government or military is a way around this.) It’s bizarre, but the only way to get out of it without working for the US government or military is to formally surrender your citizenship or green card. I have to pay tax people to handle my US tax stuff, because otherwise the sheer amount of hassle it involves is unbearable.

      In general, it’s a lot easier to move countries when you are younger, because you have less stuff. I moved to the US in my 20s with 2 suitcases and a trunk of books. When I moved back to the UK in my 40s, our stuff fit into a shipping container.

      Talking of shipping – it’s not cheap. We got rid of 80% of our furniture before we moved back to the UK, because we knew it would be cheaper to buy it at the other end than to ship it. (This meant we were without a couch for more than a year.) Unless you are very rich and can afford to send stuff by air, you will be putting everything into a shipping container, which could potentially: 1. Fall off the side of a ship, 2. Get stuck on a ship for weeks because the ship runs aground somewhere or 3. Get massively delayed due to port strikes, general shipping/labour shortage issues etc. Allow at least 3 months for your stuff to arrive by sea. There’s nothing quite as stressful as wondering whether everything you own will fall off the side of a ship!

      In general, the logistics of moving are a lot easier if you can get relocation assistance. (Since I didn’t, the whole process of moving countries twice probably consumed about 3 years of my life in total.) There are companies that specialise in relocation services, so a good first step might be searching for international relocation services and seeing what comes up. Good luck!

    7. anon24*

      Thanks so much to everyone who has commented! To answer some questions and provide some more information, I’m 30, married to someone a few years my younger. Both of our parents/grandparents are American. He works in an industry that potentially could be considered desirable by some countries. I’m hoping to go back to school and change careers which is partially why we’ve been having this conversation now, I am not set on a career path and would like to choose something that would give me the widest geographical range possible, either in the US or somewhere else. I wish I knew how to find a good remote job, but perhaps that’s something I’ll consider posting on Fridays open thread.

      I’m a feminist and skew liberal by US standards, spouse is a little more conservative than I am but not at all conservative by US standards. Neither of us speak anything other than English, I took a few years of Spanish with an awful teacher and can only speak a few phrases that I’ve picked up since then working with a Spanish speaking population at work but think I would do much better learning a language if I was immersed in it or had a better teacher.

      I look at our future in this country and am absolutely terrified. I know getting out is more likely than not something that is not going to happen, but I’d like to start looking into the possibility.

      1. No Bees On Typhon*

        A good place to start might be to look for degrees/courses that you’d be interested in taking at universities in cities/countries that appeal to you. Some countries allow accompanying spouses to get a temporary work permit while the student visa holder is in school. If you like it, you can then apply to stay longer/permanently after you graduate. If you don’t, just go home :)

    8. Trippychick*

      Also, if there are countries you’d be interested in moving to, be sure to visit them first! The idea of what a particular country is like vs. the reality of it might be very different.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Odd one out here, but we sold everything in the US and moved to the UK with four suitcases and without jobs, based on EU residency rights (husband is an EU citizen) at the time. It took us about 9 months to plan and execute (6 weeks to get visas), about $20K, we slept on a friends floor in her flat in London for 7 months, and finally got jobs after 10 (there was some traveling around in there as well).

      This was something we had always wanted to do and had in-demand skills (data and business), but hitting headlong into the local job market was overwhelming/tough and that was after already having lived in the UK twice before for two stints of 6 months and 18 months. It was tough, and we did it, but sometimes I look back and think we were insane. Prior to this I had manuvered into a role in a US company with UK offices and that was a clear no-go opportunity to transfer unless I had made specific connections which I was never in a position to make – so its not always as clear cut as find an internal role in an overseas office and apply for it.

      You are young and flexible, so I would recommend taking a look at some of the common scarcity lists for countries around the world (anything in IT, or data engineering/analytics for sure!). Look at which countries may have age-based opportunities (2 years for young folks sort of a thing). That should help narrow the list a bit. Consider if you want to do a short stint overseas or looking to settle – some countries are better placed than others for the future, or perhaps teaching english for a few years will be enough to scratch that travel itch. And if I may say so, really REALLY look at the healthcare situation as universal healthcare coverage, cost, and quality varies significantly from country to country.

    10. European*

      Is there any Italian ancestry in your or your husband’s family tree, by any chance? Most countries will only grant citizenship to people whose parents or possibly grandparent had that citizenship, but Italy is unusual because there is no limit on how far back you can go. Of course there are other complications and stipulations but I know a lot of people (mostly from Central and South America) who have done this. And once you have an Italian citizenship you can live and work anywhere in the EU, EEA, or Switzerland. Including Malta and Ireland, which are English-speaking countries.

    11. No Bees On Typhon*

      I fell in love with a specific location while on vacation, then found a job here and made it happen.

      I was lucky to qualify for jobs that at the time did not require a local labour market evaluation for a temporary work permit – i.e., my employer did not need to demonstrate that there were no local workers who could do the same job. I originally got a 2-year work permit with an option to extend for a third year, and had every intention of going back to my home country at the end of that time. However, I met my husband a year in and decided to stay. Converting my temporary work permit into permanent residence was a long and expensive process, and I had to prove I had language skills, education, work experience, etc. that added up to a certain number of points, then pass a medical and criminal records check.

    12. just another queer reader*

      I haven’t lived abroad but have some friends who have.

      – teaching English, typically in Asia. I’ve heard South Korea is a great place to work. You won’t make tons of money, but I understand it’s enough for a modest lifestyle. Typically people do this for a few years, not forever.

      – getting a remote job and living in Latin America. Benefits: similar time zone and typically lower cost of living. Downsides: language barriers and bureaucracy. The person I know who does this is doing it under the table, and as far as taxes are concerned he lives in the US. I think he’s on a tourist visa, which is easy to get if you’re from the US. Check out [city/ country] Expat Hub on Facebook for more details.

  54. Bumblebeee*

    What do you think about in bed between lights off and falling asleep?

    I write fictional Wikipedia pages for random characters I make up in my mind. I find this much more relaxing than thinking about what happened during the day as I’m likely to get stressed and anxious.

    1. hopeful ex librarian*

      omg i love this idea!!! somewhat related, i imagine like fanfiction in my head of characters in the shows i watch. sometimes it’s a storyline i wish was handed differently, or something i wish would happen on the show.

      i also listen to podcasts – right now, it’s office ladies, i think because it’s a positive show as i’m going to bed, and i like the office (office ladies are the actors who played pam and angela talking about each episode in depth).

    2. KarenK*

      I listen to the Harry Potter audio books. I can’t listen to anything new, because I’d be too interested and won’t fall asleep. It’s got to be something I’ve listened to several times. Sometimes I switch it up and listen to Lonesome Dove.

    3. Flowers*

      The rare times I don’t fall asleep while browsing my phone (bad I know!) I think about these characters I created and the various scenarios they go through. TMI they’re usually sexual in nature but I always fall asleep before anything happens. I mean literally person A will knock on the door and B opens the door and that’s it I’m asleep

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I play a little game with myself. For each letter of the alphabet I have to think of a country, a fruit or vegetable and an animal that starts with the letter. So for A I might think Albania, apple, and aardvark. I’ve never made it to Z!

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Me too! I just mentally go through my fabric stash and try to imagine which ones look good together.

    6. Katie*

      I tell myself a story. It’s a silly story that I made up years ago about my kids going on a secret adventure to see a dragon. It’s helpful to my brain off the stupid stuff my brain is fretting about.

    7. Excited Law Student*

      I’m a writer (though I don’t get the chance very often) so I like to think about my characters, storylines, plots, etc. I love putting my characters through tough quests and journeys each night.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I furnish and decorate a very tiny, cozy house. If I’m still awake, then I imagine homesteading in it off-grid. I think the background world is slightly “dark ages Anglo Saxon.” If you’re going to be the old wise woman who lives in the forest, you need the right layout and equipment.

    9. Slumber*

      I think about dogs and kitties and bunnies and other friendly beasties all sleeping in their pet beds. It’s calming. Also sometimes remember summer camp, watching shooting stars from the top bunk. And I have an imaginary cabin in the big meadow in Yosemite, just big enough for me, and before I go to sleep in there, the deer and other animals come around and we sit out front in the dusk for a bit.

      1. Not A Manager*

        My late husband used to tell me stories in which I was a sheep who lived in a meadow full of friendly animals. He was a lovely man.

  55. Clock radio*

    My old bedside clock-radio is nearly defunct and I’m having a hard time selecting a replacement. What I want: very good FM radio sound; 2 or more radio-station presets that are easy to switch between; a wakeup alarm that’s fairly easy to set and to turn off in the dark and that can use a radio station for the alarm. It needs to have an easy-to-read digital clock display, but most of them seem to have that. That’s it — I don’t need any USB connectivity or any other features.

    Recommendations (or disrecommendations) will be gratefully accepted!

    1. cat socks*

      I have an older model from Bose that still has FM radio. It has a CD player too, so that kind of tells you how old it is. I don’t know if they still make this model, but that could be one brand to try.

    2. Lady Alys*

      I’ve purchased two different radios made by Sangean and been very pleased with them. I’m pretty sure they make clock radios too.

    3. Scarlet Magnolias*

      Looking for ideas, my husband and I listen to a local radio station (think Fairfield County CT) that is mostly conservative. We are flaming liberals but it’s the only station we can get local weather and news. I can’t abide the weekend DJ (who interviews people and does all the talking) and my husband loathes the weekday DJ who fancies himself a pundit (I can tolerate him but mostly because I think he is an amusing jerk). I’ve suggested we set the alarm so it goes off and turns the radio on only during the news and weather. Anyone else have this problem? I know, first world problems….

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Does the radio station website have a streaming version of its broadcast? I feel like setting up a top-of-the-hour alarm might be easier on a computer or smartphone.

    4. Anonymous Cat*

      I’m also interested in clock radios if anyone has a brand they’d recommend.

      I prefer to be woken up by music rather than an alarm sound.

    5. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Thanks for the good suggestions. I’ve just ordered a Sangean and am really looking forward to it.

  56. Flowers*

    Has anyone ever gone from regularly drinking fancy coffee drinks to straight black? (By fancy I’m referring to things like caramel macchiato or iced mocha or flavored lattes etc). Do you slowly ease up on the additions or just go straight to black coffee/espresso shot and eventually get used to the taste? I’m not against those drinks but for a daily habit they are adding up quickly in money, time and calories/sugar.

    Ironically, I didn’t start drinking coffee til in my late 20s and I stuck to mostly simple black. But the last 4+ years I’ve stopped caring and have just become super indulgent.

    1. Maggie*

      Just do a splash of cream and some SF syrup in black coffee. Tastes great and is still creamy with your chosen flavor.

    2. fueled by coffee*

      I’ve (sort of) done this – still don’t drink it black, but have gone down to plain coffee + creamer. I tapered off slowly, going first from fancy flavorings to just sugar + creamer, then decreased how much sugar I was using until I cut the sugar completely.

      I will say that plain lattes were a good intermediate step between fancy coffees and plainer stuff – because the milk is steamed, it’s sweeter, and I didn’t miss the sugar as much.

      1. Flowers*

        Ah, diet soda is my other vice that I may or may not quit eventually. One thing at a time….

    4. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      Maybe not exactly the same, but I went from putting three cubes of sugar into my coffee to drinking it straight black. To start off, I didn’t drink any coffee for about two weeks, after which I didn’t add sugar anymore but always had a (really small) piece of chocolate on the side to eat afterwards. After about three months I could tell that the chocolate was not needed anymore to counterbalance the taste of the coffee, and stopped adding it.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        It’s been similar for me. I usually have coffee either for breakfast or after lunch, and realised that having it straight after food or with a biscuit / chocolate square means the aftertaste helps balance the coffee’s bitterness. I haven’t sweetened coffee in over 10 years, and now that the post-lunch cup has become a rare occurrence, an espresso with a small sweet treat feels like the ultimate luxury when there’s a chance.

        My indulgence is frothy milk, especially if I can get an iced cappuccino similar to the ones popular in Greece. I rarely buy milk for home, but when I’m having coffee outside, it’s a must for me (sorry, UK coffee fans, but Italian espresso is the only good espresso and British cafes make it way too bitter).

        1. YesImTheAskewPolice*

          Oh yes, an espresso with a single scope of ice cream is one of my preferred vacation treats :)

        2. Flowers*

          That’s interesting – I do eat sweets way too often (cake, cookies, ice cream etc). including coffee drinks. I feel like this may be a (small?) step in reducing these things.

    5. Filosofickle*

      It took me a long time, reducing sugar little by little. For a long time I took my coffee with one tsp of sugar and splash of cream — that was a reasonable compromise for me. Two years ago I switched to black and while I continue to drink it that way I never fully learned to like it. It tastes like sadness. (Weirdly, when it’s iced or in the afternoon black is fine. It’s only hot coffee in the morning that I want the edge taken off of.)

      1. Flowers*

        LOL @ tastes like sadness. When I began drinking coffee, I felt like a badass drinking black coffee. Reducing little by little is a good idea.

    6. WellRed*

      I went cold turkey on the sugar part of coffee after getting diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

      1. Flowers*

        I hope you’re doing well now.

        I’ve been Type 2 most of my life – at varying levels of control. When I began adding things to coffee, I tried to stick with sugar free syrups/splenda/stevia, adding half and half instead of milk etc. But eventually stopped caring about that too.

    7. Cindy*

      I’m allergic to artificial creamers – I break out in hives. I put vanilla into unsweetened almond milk. I usually use only a tablespoon or two in my coffee. It’s low calorie and has flavor that satisfies. This might be a valid intermediate step toward where you’re headed.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I tried no cream/milk and my teeth got darker. I had to eventually start using non-cow milks.

      For sugar I switched to stevia in liquid form.

      Recently I dropped coffee entirely. No withdrawal. It was so strange.

      About 20 years ago, I did go through withdrawal when I switched from regular coffee to organic coffee (both had caffeine). When I switched to black coffee, I mostly had coffee black when I was out. It was hard to find creamer that I could use and there wasn’t a lot of stevia around. Since I was out and doing things I was distracted and less apt to notice how plain my coffee was. I also bought coffee at a certain place that made actual coffee rather than hot water with a coffee color to it.
      I could live with the taste as long as I did not have to give up the caffeine.

      I am older now and I realized that coffee is NOT my friend. So I stopped, cold turkey. I substitute herbal teas.

    9. Just a name*

      I do my first cup with a scoop of collagen and a pat of butter. The butter adds a bit of creaminess and the salt in the butter cuts the bitterness a bit. I occasionally indulge in a non fat no whip mocha, but more as a treat than a regular drink. I also have a Nespresso at home. I could use the frother, but for a real indulgence, I’ll add some Baileys. Mostly as an afternoon pick me up.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Yes, like many of the others, I found myself cutting back, first on the sugar, sweetener or flavoring and then on the creamer until I was drinking black coffee.

    11. Ann Non*

      Maybe you can get a better coffee bean? “good” coffee really needs nothing – it tastes similar to soda. I like to add milk for the mouthfeel, but it destroys some of the flavour of the coffee.

        1. Ann Non*

          Sorry, I didn’t mean literally. It tastes a bit tart and a bit naturally sweet and a bit like citrus fruit. At least the beans I use to make cold brew.

      2. Flowers*

        so, I don’t really brew coffee at home. I stick to mostly DD or Starbucks, and if I make it at home, it’s the instant variety. I do have an iced coffee maker that can also make hot coffee, but I don’t use it very often. I am open to trying different brands (I am partial to Cafe Bustelo….)

  57. Flowers*

    I’ll be contacting a divorce/family lawyer in the coming days. I had quick calls with some a while back but a thorough consultation was upwards of $300 for all of them. I’m finally in a position to pay for one.

    What should I expect out of a paid consultation? I don’t want anything that can be easily googled or found on advice websites like r/, I want to lay out my specific situation and get advice based on that.

    1. RagingADHD*

      That is what a legal consultation is – advice specific to your situation in your location, which is exactly what you can’t get from Google. It’s possible some of the advice might be generally applicable, but you can’t be sure without talking to a real attorney. They will also be able to ask the right questions to find out about special circumstances you may not have thought to ask about.

    2. Hazelnut Bunny*

      I can give experience as someone who has gone through two separate custody cases with attorneys and for a period as pro se.

      Paid consultations are your opportunity to utilize an attorney for your legal plan. Go into the consultation with a list of questions and a thorough description of your case. The more you can hand an attorney on a silver platter, the better they can guide you. Try to be as objective as possible rather than subjective. (This can be difficult in family law.)

      As for the questions to ask, they will depend on if this is solely divorce or if their is child custody. Be prepared to tell them what you want and ask if it’s reasonable or even feasible. I would recommend asking what the retainer and how they intend to bill in the future. Most people do not realize that many attorneys require the retainer to stay at a certain balance. Find out billing specifics so you are not blindsided with an attorney withdrawing due to an unpaid retainer. Family law is going to cost unfortunately.

      Ask them if they see any hurdles in your case. Ask the various ways to handle your case. (Time efficient versus cost efficient versus whatever) Find out what they would do if you choose to retain them. Also, just because you consult them, does NOT mean you have to retain them and vice versa. I consulted several before choosing my attorney. All provided valuable insight I would take to the next consultation and question.

      Googling is helpful but ultimately it does not make one and attorney. This is not an area to try and be pro se if it can be helped. I know my attorney is worth his weight in gold.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A lawyer friend said she always reminded her people to figure out what happens when one or both of you retire. Who is entitled to a portion of the retirement income? (Is there any entitlement?) She felt that this was one step that is easy to skip/miss and causes huge regret later.

    4. Generic Name*

      Many states strive for an “equitable” division of assets. Equitable does not necessarily mean everything is divided halfway down the middle. So if you would like to keep the house, for example, one question to ask is if/how you can make that happen. If your soon-to-be-ex has made any statements about how things will be divided up or how they want the custody arrangement to be, mention that. My ex had a picture of how the division of assets would go that I felt uncomfortable with, and ultimately the settlement was what I wanted.

      In addition to the initial consult, you can choose to represent yourself, pay a flat fee for a certain number of hours for advice, or you can go with full representation. You absolutely can do a divorce yourself, but that works if both parties are reasonable and are getting along. It’s more suited for people with no children and few assets.

      1. RagingADHD*

        IIRC, the house was bought with OP’s mother’s money, so if OP and spouse have been paying on a mortgage or investing their own money into renovations, that could get complicated to unwind.

    5. Jessica*

      To be honest, several 30-min free consultations with different lawyers was more helpful to me than paying for an official consultation. Then when I actually picked my lawyer, I paid him…around $9000 altogether. (My divorce wasn’t terribly contentious, but I also didn’t trust my ex-spouse. And we had to figure out a parenting plan as well.)

      I’m trying to think if an hour of official advice would have actually helped. Are you trying for a “kitchen-table” (agreed) divorce? Mediated? The thing is that a divorce settlement doesn’t really have to be fair or equitable, it just has to be agreed-upon by all parties. A lawyer can tell you what’s standard practice or what the other person’s lawyer is going to tell them to expect, but your individual outcome can still vary.

      I guess the one circumstance where I can see an official consultation being helpful is if you are needing to leave for your safety and want to make sure all your assets are protected before you actually move out. They could help you file the appropriate paperwork with the court to ensure that marital property is frozen until the divorce is final. But otherwise, I’d say that getting just an hour of legal advice before a divorce isn’t going to help much.

    6. Dashboard light*

      Laying out your specific situation is exactly why you’re paying a lawyer for a consultation. It’s not something that can be googled or crowd-sourced. That could absolutely do more harm than good.

      Good luck and I hope everything goes smoothly.

    7. Anon here*

      Michelle Dempsey has a book called moms moving on. Has some guidance on preparing to leave and preparing to talk to a lawyer.
      I would assume it helpful regardless of gender and family status.

  58. Cheezmouser*

    Family drama, seeking advice: my elderly mother-in-law is bedridden and has been for years due to a stroke. My brother-in-law Fergus has been living with her for the last 2 years and is her primary caretaker. My husband Bob and I and our two young children live an hour-and-a-half away. During our last visit 2 months ago, Fergus felt that Bob disrespected him by being arrogant and not listening to directions on how to treat their mom. Quote: “My house, my rules.” Fergus also felt that our children were disrespectful, misbehaving, loud, touching everything, being demanding, and having meltdowns. (Our children are ages 2 and 5.) Admittedly the kids were having a great time playing at grandma’s house and being boisterous, but nothing was broken and we cleaned up before we left.

    Fergus did not say anything about any of this to us while we were there, or else we would have told the kids to quiet down right away. Grandma seemed to be having a great time watching the kids play and also did not say anything.

    Since then, whenever we ask if we can come over to visit grandma, Fergus says grandma is not up to visitors. Finally today Bob confronted Fergus, and Fergus admitted to the above. We are now barred from grandma’s house. Fergus says that Grandma shares his feelings and doesn’t want to see Bob or the grandkids anymore.

    Bob and I don’t buy it. Fergus has a history of being controlling and tempermental. Earlier this year, when Grandma was in the hospital, Bob went to visit her and Fergus barred him from the hospital room. They got into an argument in the hospital lobby (or rather, Fergus was yelling and Bob was trying to reason with him) and nearly got security called on them.

    I’m worried that Fergus will hold this against Bob forever and Bob won’t be able to see his mother anymore. The grandkids won’t see their grandma either. We can’t ask Grandma about her feelings because Fergus won’t give her the phone when we call (he says she’s “busy” even though she’s bedridden).

    Any advice?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, it’s always so hard when there’s somebody needing care in the mix. How is your husband’s relationship with his BIL historically?

      My gut reaction, as somebody currently adjacent to if not actually caregiving, is that the caregiver rules all. It’s incredibly hard to do, and I’d focus on making everything possible easier for the person doing it, even if they’re controlling and unreasonable. Currently it looks like Fergus is the price of having care for MIL.

      So my inclination would be to grovel and apologize. “We hugely appreciate what you’re doing, we haven’t demonstrated that enough, and we’d love to find a way to support you and also to see MIL for visits. Would it be possible to work together on guidelines for that and try again?” Hard as it might be to take, deferring to Fergus would seem to be your only alternative to a court battle here.

      1. Cheezmouser*

        Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too. It just grates a bit because Fergus is the one accusing Bob of being arrogant, disrespectful, narcissistic, etc when all Bob wants to do is see his mom and help. Meanwhile Fergus is the one cursing, yelling, and making accusations. Access to their mom is really the only leverage that Fergus has over Bob. But I guess pride is nothing if we really want to see his mom, so groveling it is!

      2. Maggie*

        Yes, and maybe leaving the children at home next time and having only 1 adult go for 1-1 time seems like it could release the pressure and be something he could agree to.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m seconding “grovel and apologize, because the caregiver rules all.”

        Does your husband want to be right at any cost, or to be able to visit his mom?

        Keeping Fergus happy may be your MIL’s big motivation right now–you should help her to do this.

        1. Cheezmouser*

          I commented below, but it’s very likely MIL has no idea Fergus is doing this. This is Fergus using his power as MIL’s caregiver to punish Bob for perceived slights by not allowing him to talk to or see MIL. Fergus also has a history of being extremely volatile, possessive, and controlling. He’s bullied or attempted to block 2 other siblings from seeing their mom in the past year, and now he’s doing it to Bob.

          Our ace up our sleeve is that MIL would likely be angry if she found out Fergus was doing this (preventing her from seeing her grandchildren!) so we will first try to see if Fergus and Bob can resolve this between them. If not, then Bob and the other siblings will go back to regular visits as if Fergus was not withholding access to the MIL–essentially refusing to play along with Fergus’s power games–and if Fergus makes a stink about it, they will tell on him to the MIL. The siblings are willing to discuss house rules and how to give Fergus additional caregiving help to ease the burden, but they do not intend to allow their brother to withhold access to their mom for not sufficiently kowtowing to him and his ego.

          I should also note that there are power dynamics in play here: Fergus has an inferiority complex because despite being the oldest brother, he is the least “successful.” All the other siblings are married, have successful careers, own a home, have good relationships with each other, etc. Fergus has never had a successful relationship–see above RE: volatile, possessive, and controlling–smokes weed, chose to party instead of work hard when younger, and is frequently unemployed. (None of the siblings have ever held this over him; they’ve actively encouraged him to seek therapy for his anger issues, give up smoking, and find a fulfilling career. They’ve helped him out financially. It’s all coming from inside him.) But now for the first time he has something he can hold over his siblings: access to their mom. Now when he feels “disrespected” by the siblings, he cuts off access to their mom. This likely gives him a sense of power, it’s unhealthy, and it’s why the other siblings refuse to play along.

    2. WellRed*

      How often does your husband relieve Ferguson in caregiving duties? How much do you contribute financially, if it’s needed? Ferguson is behaving poorly but I’m wondering if there’s a bigger problem that needs hashing out?

      1. Cheezmouser*

        We live 90 minutes away and try to visit once every other month. When we’re there, we offer to help with care, clean the house, cook food, etc but Fergus staunchly refuses all help. Bob and his other siblings contribute several hundred dollars every month to cover all expenses, including money for Fergus since his full time job is caretaking. We have offered to contribute more to hire additional caregiving help, domestic help, and physical therapy, which Fergus also refused on the grounds that no one knows Mom’s needs like he does.

        Yes, we suspect that there is a bigger issue here related to Fergus feeling like no one helps, but he also bristles at any offer to help or to hire help.

        3. Cheezmouser*

          I should clarify that Fergus does have help, including 2 part time nurses/caregivers who come for several hours every day. He still complains that he doesn’t get any help and we don’t understand what it takes. We all agree that caregiving is difficult and intense work, and therefore we would be happy to hire additional help to what he already has. That’s the help he keeps rejecting .

    3. RagingADHD*

      Is anyone else visiting or speaking with Grandma? That’s very important.

      Honestly, given the history and the fact that Fergus won’t let Grandma talk on the phone, I would ask him to make a specific appointment when you can call and speak with her instead of this “busy” nonsense.

      Isolating a vulnerable individual and refusing to let other family members communicate with them is highly controlling and presents the opportunity for abuse.

      Another option would be to send Grandma a prepaid phone with several different family numbers programmed in, and send her pre-addressed and stamped cards and stationery so she can write letters.

      If Fergus refuses to set up regular, scheduled calls, and Grandma doesn’t call or write to anyone in the family (not just you) tell him you’re worried about Grandma being isolated and that you’d hate to have to send Adult Protective Services.

      It isn’t going to smooth anything over, but Fergus sounds like a bully and I’d be scared of leaving Grandma alone with a bully.

      If she is in regular contact with other family members, never mind. But the isolation makes my red flags go up.

      2. Cheezmouser*

        Yes, their younger sister lives there and was the primary caregiver before Fergus moved in. She has clashed with him repeatedly and is in the process of moving out. Their other sister visits regularly (every other week) as she lives 45 minutes away and owns her own business (ie she doesn’t work a regular 9-5 and doesn’t do overtime on the weekends like Bob does). Another brother visits once every few months as he has time (he travels for work frequently).

        We thought of the prepaid phone idea but we assume Fergus will throw it away/not give it to Mom. I guess we could try it anyway and see if we’re wrong?

        So far Fergus is only denying access to Bob.

        1. LG*

          Can you ask one of the other siblings to speak to their mother and ask her directly whether it’s her idea or Fergus’s to ban Bob from seeing her?

          1. RagingADHD*

            This. Fergus may be lying to her. If she is in contact with others, at least you can get messages through.

        2. Irish Teacher*

          I think you need to talk to the younger sister and find out how she feels/what she thinks the mother feels. Does SHE think grandma doesn’t want Bob around? Did grandma say anything to her about the kids being loud?

          If there is somebody else there, then that at least gives you a chance to check up on what Fergus is saying and find out if Grandma is actually refusing to take Bob’s calls and Fergus is being polite by saying she’s “busy” rather than “she doesn’t want to talk to you” or…if Fergus is preventing Grandma from talking.

          To be honest, the former strikes me as unlikely as given what you have said about Fergus’s personality, he doesn’t seem the type to soften the message. But the fact there are other people visiting is reassuring as it means Fergus is not in complete control here and you can probably get more information from others.

          1. Cheezmouser*

            Yeah, good idea. I find it hard to believe that Grandma is really bothered by the kids and doesn’t want to see or talk to Bob.

            1. Grandma was a stay-at-home mom who raised 3 girls and 3 boys. I doubt she’d be bothered by laughing, screaming, running children.

            2. Grandma has never been too busy to talk to Bob, her youngest son. In the 20 years since her stroke, she has never declined to take Bob’s call. The only reasons where if she was in the bathroom or getting physical therapy, but she would always tell Bob so and call him back. Then after Fergus feels that Bob disrespected him, all of a sudden she is always “busy.”

            3. Fergus explicitly told Bob that “Mom hasn’t been busy. I’ve been telling you this because I don’t want you talking to her after the way you treated me.”

            4. What grandmother doesn’t want to see her grandchildren?!?!? We’ve been over with the kids since our older one was a baby, and she has never complained about noise, behavior, mess, etc. Our bigger one made a “I love you Grandma” card, which hangs on the wall in Grandma’s room. Now all of a sudden, after 5 years of visits, she is extremely bothered and no longer wants to see them?

            So, Fergus is intentionally blocking Bob from seeing or talking to their mom, has explicitly said he is doing so to Bob, cited Bob’s “disrespectful” behavior and the kids’ behavior as the reason, and claims Grandma agrees with him. I would bet my entire life savings that Grandma has no idea why Bob hasn’t called or visited recently. If there is any truth to Grandma agreeing with Fergus, it was probably something along the lines of Grandma saying “whew! that was a lot of excitement” after our last visit and Fergus, already feeling slighted and disrespected by Bob, latching on to that as “proof” that Grandma agrees with him about no more future calls or visits.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          Re the phone: When my mom moved in with my sister during the pandemic, all technology became too challenging for her. (She stopped driving, which I could see; also stopped signing into Facebook which she used to like, because her old computer, set up in her new room, seemed too complicated.) And they gave her a new smart phone in place of the old Jitterbug on which she did understand how to call us. I could only talk to her by texting the younger household members that I wanted to call, and then calling with someone there to help her answer the phone. So I knew other people were right there listening.

          And here’s the thing: I honestly believe that this was on my mom, and everyone else attempting to accommodate what she said she wanted. Maybe the Jitterbug would have been too confusing now, or maybe she liked the idea of bonding with grandchild over learning to use a smartphone, or maybe she just went along with the new phone she couldn’t use because she didn’t want to make waves. Probably all three were in play.

    4. Lifelong student*

      Sounds to me to be ripe for elder abuse- I would talk to an attorney/protective services/other appropriate agencies. Do you have a way to communicate with her doctors or attorneys? They may not be able to give you information- but that doesn’t mean you can’t give them some!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I’d agree. I read somewhere that more abuse happens in homes than in nursing facilities. Care giver burn out is a top reason.

        Sadly, I was with Fergus almost up to the end. I have done a lot of elder care. Schedules and orderliness are unimaginably important.

        How many siblings are there? I think I counted 4. Four hundred a month is not much when caring for someone winding down their life and there is not a lot left over for Fergus to have money for himself. When I was taking care of my husband I was running about $6K per month in out of pocket medical. This does not include the household bills, it’s just for his health needs. If I wanted something for myself- forget it. And -oh yeah- neither one of us was working.

        I picture Fergus as being in over his head. This is bound to bring out the worst attitude and lousy approaches to family members.

        Sadly, while money was going away like dust in the wind that was the least of our problems. The medical “care” he got was absolutely alarming. And the doctors’ cavalier attitude to the intensity of what an average day looked like for us was appalling. And they never ask how the caregiver is doing.

        And so the stage is set for huge burn out. I am not saying what he did to you guys is right. I am just saying I understand how this happens.

        The fact that sis is leaving, the fact that you (all) are not allowed to see her, to me is all kinds of red flags. Seriously consider talking to other sibs and thinking about getting adult protective involved. The sis who is leaving is in the best position to talk about what is going on in that house right now- getting her buy in to talk about this and help is a wise move on your part.

        A person who is totally bedridden needs round the clock care. This is not possible for one person to do on their own for any length of time. A team of care providers is necessary, this is a situation ready for abuse, even if the abuse is “neglect”. (People don’t always think of neglect as abuse but it is.)

        1. RagingADHD*

          I read it that each sibling is contributing several hundred dollars a month, not one hundred each.

          And they have offered to pay for nursing & domestic help but Fergus refuses. He is only overwhelmed because of his own stubbornness, not because the resources aren’t available

    5. Cheezmouser*

      Thanks all for your comments. An update: Bob talked to his older sister and was reminded that Fergus did the same thing to her last fall, where she was barred from seeing their mom even though Big Sis was the one who arranged for their Mom’s care, the nursing staff, the disability benefits, the medical appointments, etc. Their relationship still hasn’t recovered. Fergus also bullied Little Sis so that’s why Little Sis is moving out (she lives with their mom too and was the primary caregiver for a few years prior to Fergus moving in). Now he’s doing it to Bob because…. I guess Bob is the only remaining sibling left to alienate? Other brother isn’t around enough to be bullied and locked out.

      Anyway, Big Sis agrees that it’s likely their mom has no idea that Bob and the grandkids are banned and would be upset to learn this. She has no intention to allow Fergus’s behavior to continue. Big Sis informed Fergus that she intends to go visit their mom next weekend regardless of Fergus’s blockade because next weekend is college football kick off weekend and the family has always gathered at their mom’s house every year for it. Therefore Big Sis will bring her kids, Bob and I will bring our kids, there will be food, and we all intend to operate as normal. Fergus can join us or hide in his room. We will all take care of Mom while we’re there, so Fergus can take a break if he wishes. (Big Sis and Little Sis both have experience with caregiving for their mom, so it’ll be fine.)

      Bob and I will also lay out stricter behavior expectations with our kids in advance and have a plan for handling meltdowns outside the house where it will disturb Fergus less. We will all clean up after ourselves and do our utmost to ensure that our visit is not a burden on Fergus or their mom.

      Big Sis will also have her husband there, who is a 200-lb ex-Marine and can keep the peace should Fergus try to get into a physical altercation with Bob. We recognize that visiting despite being banned may provoke Fergus, but we refuse to play along with his controlling behavior and are betting that their mom would not allow it either if she knew. (And would be confused/upset why no one came over for kick off weekend.) We all agreed not to mention it to her for now. I’m of the mind that so long as Fergus keeps his beef between him and Bob just between the two of them, then I won’t say anything either, but if he brings our kids into it (Fergus yelled loudly to Bob about the kids over the phone, with swearing) then the gloves come off and I will mention to their mom “it’s such a shame that this may be the last time in a while that the grandkids will get to see you. They love coming over but Fergus said it was too much for you, so we’ll be leaving them at home from now on.” (This is a woman who was a stay at home parent, raised 6 kids, and routinely stays up past midnight. I don’t buy it that she’s upset by kids being a bit loud.)

      Regarding comments above on finances: Financially the monthly payments cover all the household and medical costs, plus a few hundred leftover for Fergus. It’s less than what he would make if he worked outside the home, but he’s also getting free room and board in exchange, and we’ve all agreed that he will inherit the house when the time comes. Most of the costs are covered by Grandpa’s pension, veteran benefits, disability benefits, social security income, etc. I’ll put it this way: Fergus has enough money each month to buy himself all the medicinal weed he smokes, so he appears to be fine. It’s not his siblings’ fault if he chooses to literally blow all his money instead of saving it.

      There are 2 part time caretakers that come for a few hours each day to relieve Fergus but he just hovers and criticizes them instead of taking a break. He doesn’t trust them, even though they are experienced professionals. Their little sister also lives there (for now) and was the primary caregiver for a few years until Fergus moved in. So he does have help, even though he complains that he doesn’t.

      1. Cheezmouser*

        The more I think about this, the more I realize that it’s not about the MIL at all. MIL is just the bargaining chip Fergus is using to punish his siblings when he feels they are disrespectful or not sufficiently groveling to him, due to his inferiority complex. Any attempts to reason with him or compromise are seen as further disrespect. No amount of groveling will be sufficient because it just reinforces that he’s in the right, feeds his ego, and encourages him to revoke access to the MIL the next time someone “disrespects” him. We need to nip this now because he’s learning that it’s okay to use the MIL beat the other siblings into submission.

      2. Pennyworth*

        If Fergus is smoking a lot of weed his behavior might be related to weed-induced paranoia.

    6. CTT*

      Is it possible to visit without your kids? I think some of the commenters are raising good concerns about potential elder abuse but it also could be that Fergus is really stressed and not handling it well. If you can visit again, going without the kids as a distraction could give you a clearer view of what’s happening.

      1. Cheezmouser*

        It’s not really about the kids. It’s about Fergus feeling “disrespected” by Bob. “Examples” cited by Fergus include:

        *Bob picked up our toddler and wanted to put her on the bed next to Grandma so she could see Grandma better. Fergus reminded Bob that Grandma’s leg hurts. Bob said “okay” and put our toddler back on the floor. Fergus felt it was disrespectful that Bob even tried to do that (disrespectful to Fergus, not to Grandma) because it violated the house rules (which Fergus did not tell us about)

        *Our bigger kid wanted to pick up one of the large figurines in Grandma’s room. She started touching it. Fergus said don’t touch it. We asked Grandma if it was okay and Grandma said she prefers it to be left alone. Our kid said “awww but I like it” but put it back and left it alone. We were disrespectful because we didn’t listen to Fergus the first time and checked with Grandma (even though the figurine belonged to Grandma) and our kid was “rude” and “out of control.”

        *Fergus was getting frustrated and raised his voice at Grandma. Bob said that there was no need to raise his voice. Fergus found that disrespectful of Bob.

        *Fergus called Bob and said “I need you to listen to what I have to say” and then ranted at Bob about the above and more, with swearing and accusations of Bob being arrogant, narcissistic, and disrespectful. Bob was silent throughout, listening. When Fergus was done, Bob said “okay, can I talk now?” Fergus found that disrespectful. “You could tell I was done by the pause! Why are you asking me?!? You’re just like our dad, trying to take the high road. Don’t say that to me. This is exactly what I’m talking about.”

        For these instances of disrespect toward Fergus and more, we have been barred from talking or seeing Grandma indefinitely.

        1. Double A*

          Hm. If you all took the caregiving out of Fergus’ hands, would he have any other means of supporting himself?

          It sounds like he’s being a martyr and a bully. He’s trying to isolate your mother-in-law. These are shading into abuse. I would definitely check with adult services. It may be best for the other siblings to discuss how to remove MIL from Fergus’s care, which it sounds like would involve evicting him from the house and estrangement. Not that you have to do this, but I think it’s important to explore the option and see what it would take to wrest control from him.

          Caretaker burnout is real; caretakers must take advantage of the relief that is afforded them in order to avoid it and Fergus is not doing this.

          1. Cheezmouser*

            I don’t think he’s trying to isolate their mother. I think that’s a side effect of using his power to control access to her as leverage over his siblings. See my comment above about the power dynamics in the family. For the first time, Fergus has power and control in the family and a way to make them “respect” him (even though they haven’t been disrespectful). If he doesn’t feel sufficiently respected, he blocks them from talking to or visiting their mom.

            No, if Fergus was no longer the caregiver, he would be unemployed and homeless. He has employable skills, but his volatile temper makes it difficult for him to stay employed for long. He has very little savings. I think it will be extremely difficult to remove the MIL from his care. He’s already resentful; if we did that, we would likely never see him again. He would feel betrayed and would hold the grudge to his deathbed. (Despite his behavior, his siblings do love him and would regret to see him disappear.)

            The siblings are not concerned that he is abusive to the MIL; he considers her care his primary mission. The reason he moved back to the state and became her primary caretaker is because he believes their deceased father came to him in a dream and charged him with taking care of their mother. He packed up his apartment and drove across the country to move in 5 days later. The MIL’s health has improved under his care, so there’s no sign of elder abuse. If anything, Fergus’s care of her is overzealous, where he refuses to allow others to help.

            1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

              Uff, even if, as you say, Fergus is currently a good caregiver for his mom, I would have serious qualms about leaving a vulnerable elder in the care of someone who has a violent temper and stands to gain an entire house from her demise.

              1. Ginger Pet Lady*

                Seriously, I was SCREAMING this as I read it.
                1. He’s got a volatile temper
                2. He’s isolating her from everyone else
                3. He will inherit the house
                it’s terrifying to think of what could easily come from that.
                Time for Big Sis who holds power of attorney to remove him as caregiver and rearrange the will so Fergus doesn’t stand to profit from her death, at least not as much – he inherits equal to everyone else. Otherwise she could die from neglect or an “accident” at his hands.
                If that means he ends up homeless and unemployed, so be it. That’s on him for not controlling his temper and getting his life together.

              2. Cheezmouser*

                Oh, I didn’t even think about that. No, I’m not concerned about Fergus harming the MIL for the house. It’s not in the will that he will inherit the house. The other siblings just agreed on their own that they would forfeit their share of the house to Fergus since he’s the one caring for the MIL. (Because they love him and recognize his hard work caring for their mom.) But it’s not written down anywhere.

                Also, everything he does is to protect her. He is extremely possessive of her well being. If he wanted her gone, then all he had to do was stay silent and do nothing last fall when the doctors discovered cancerous cells in MIL. In fact he was the one who sensed that something was wrong, took her to see specialists, got second opinions, was there at the hospital for the surgery and nursed her back to health afterward. He loves his mom and takes pride in her care. He has a volatile temper but he is not physically violent. He just yells, screams, and says really nasty things to people (but not usually the MIL).

  59. shaw of dorset*

    Does anyone have recommendations for places that sell short sleeved, collared, button up shirts? Don’t have to be dressy, just colorful and comfortable. I’m AFAB but that only really affects size not shape. Live in America. Thank you!

    1. MacGillicuddy*

      Try LLBean or Lands End. If you’re not too curvy, check the men’s sections as well as the women’s.
      Also Old Navy.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Seconding L.L. Bean. Their clothing is high quality and you can return anything for a year after purchase for a refund, even if you’ve worn and washed it.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I just saw a slew of them in both the men’s and women’s sections of Target. It’s still hot down here, so the summer patterns were in clearance but they still had them in earth tones and neutrals on the main racks.

    4. The OG Sleepless*

      JCPenney has some cute ones from their St. John’s Bay label. I bought two of them this year.

    5. Pocket Mouse*

      If you’re on the smaller side, look in boys’ sections too. I’ve found some shirts like you describe (that I love!) at The Children’s Place and Gap, and have also browsed the teen boys’ sections when I can find them. I forget what they were called—maybe ‘young men’s’?— but searching online will help with figuring out which stores have them.

  61. This is Me*

    This weekend I’m on a solo trip for the first time in my life for my birthday. It’s been wonderful, but the worst part by far has been dining in public alone. Is this a thing? Why does it feel so wrong? Any thoughts on combatting that anxiety?

    1. KatEnigma*

      My introverted husband loves it. He likes to read at restaurants in peace.

      I, OTOH, try to be grownup about it, but am happier if I just get take out and bring it back to my lodgings.

      Happy Birthday!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I am with your husband: bring a book and enjoy my meal.

        Are you not introverted? I wonder if this is an intro/extro thing, where extroverts are getting cues that they should be engaging with those around them in this context (meals, especially sit-down meals) and not being able to do that makes for anxiety?

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, I do the same thing when I eat out – bring a book. On the other hand, sometimes it’s nice to go back to the hotel and eat while watching TV.

    2. PollyQ*

      That’s a very common anxiety; don’t feel bad for sharing it. Feel free to bring a book, magazine, or a tablet & read or surf. If you’re feeling a wee bit more social, you could try going to a place that serves meals at the bar. The bartender will probably chat with you a bit, and fellow diner/drinkers may as well.

      1. This is Me*

        This is what I ended up doing! Sitting at the bar was great. Especially after having a drink myself, making small talk was that much easier. Thanks so much!

    3. Kiwi Bob*

      Happy birthday!

      Yes, dining in public alone is a thing. And yes, it feeling wrong or anxiety-provoking is also totally a thing.

      I absolutely adore going out for brunch alone. I take a book or read the cafe’s newspapers or simply enjoy people-watching while I’m waiting for my food.

      Evening solo dining, on the other hand, feels very different for me.

      Repetition/practice helps. If this is your first solo trip then some things are bound to feel unusual simply because those things *are* new and unusual to you.

      I’ll occasionally really lean in to it while on holiday, treating it like a date with myself (if that doesn’t sound too weird!) – a glass of wine and whatever food I like. I might take a book as back up.

      More often, though, I’ll be away on a work trip and, like another commenter here, grab some really delicious take out food to eat in my hotel room.

      Enjoy the rest of your trip!

      1. This is Me*

        Thanks so much! The people watching has been top-notch, especially sitting at the bar and bonding with the bartender over people’s silliness or strangeness.

    4. PsychNurse*

      I love it! The only advice— and I’m sure you already do this— is bring something to do. And not just your phone to scroll through! Bring a real book. Or, bring a notebook and something to study. Maybe people will think you’re working on writing a book.

    6. Filosofickle*

      A lot of people are uncomfortable with it, it’s a thing! I don’t mind it, but I do manage how many full sit-down meals I do solo. Like, on a long weekend in Manhattan I went all out on one dinner, but did it on the Thursday because Friday and Saturday feel like date nights, and the other meals I did things like a picnic in the park or takeout. I might choose to eat at the bar or a communal table. Taking a crossword puzzle or a book can help, but a lot of places are too dark. Timing also makes a difference — people are more likely to be out alone around lunchtime or happy hour time so I feel like there’s more camouflage, and then fill in around that with light snacks in my room..

      1. This is Me*

        Yes, the ambient/dark/mood lighting is what kept me from bringing a book for dinner on my own. Luckily people in general are a nice bunch so it was easy to chat or meet new people if I felt that urge. Thanks so much!

        1. Anonymous Cat*

          If you have a Kindle, you can adjust the lighting in it so that you can read in dimmer places.

          You might be uncomfortable sitting there with a flashlight of a book but at least you can find out how the story ends!

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I agree. I have the Kindle app and I read in bed every night with the lights off. My standard setting is a black background with white print. It’s not nearly as bright as the white page with black text.

    7. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      I have this too, at least for diner. What helps me is going a bit before or after the main mealtimes, so that it’s easier to chose a table that’s more off center/secluded. I also prefer it if there’s an outdoor seating area, esp. with a nice view, or a streetside table, for people watching.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      Congratulations on taking a solo trip for your birthday! What a wonderful gift to yourself. I do that almost every year for my birthday as well.

      Dining alone is something that can feel strange at first. Like many things, it gets easier with practice. Perhaps it would be helpful to see it with the same view you’re using for your other solo activities on your trip.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I go on vacation by myself (usually to Disneyworld) several times a year and I love it. I read pretty much the whole time I’m not actively walking, on a ride or in a show, including in lines, on transportation, in restaurants. Usually I get through 2-3 books a day. (God bless e-books and the ability to carry a gazillion books in my purse.)

    10. spotted snail*

      a very good book, or a seat with a view that’s absorbing (whether that is the sea or how dressed up/down people are)

    11. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve never done it myself just because I know I would feel weird sitting in a restaurant by myself. Plus I’ve just never had the occasion to do it. My husband, however, has done it plenty of times. He works for an aerospace company and he used to have to meet a courier at the airport every month to pick up hardcopy documents. Afterwards, he would go to Friendly’s or a diner for lunch. He said it felt weird at first, but then realized nobody cares or even notices. He’d bring a magazine or surf the net on his phone. He enjoyed being by himself and decompressing.

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I love dining alone. I don’t need to take anyone’s preferences but my own into account. I can eat at my own pace. I can eavesdrop to my heart’s content. I usually bring a book but I rarely get any reading done. The only times it’s ever been “weird” have been when very well-meaning servers strike up conversation because they think I’m lonely or something. They’re very kind, but I’m good.

      It feels less weird if you sit at the bar. You don’t need to drink alcohol. If you choose a busy-ish bar, you can watch the bartenders make drinks while you eat. And if you’re so inclined, you can sometimes talk to your fellow bar patrons. I once traveled solo to Bermuda, took myself out for sushi, and talked for hours with the woman sitting next to me.

    13. kiki*

      I really enjoy it! I dress up for it, lol. I try to look like an incredible, mysterious woman who may or may not be a spy. I reframe it in my mind from, “Wow, are those people wondering why I’m alone???” to “Wow, people are wondering what brings a glamorous woman like her here.” I also usually bring a book to read.

  62. Tell me about Australia!*

    I hope this doesn’t elicit major eyerolls among my Aussie friends here but I’m OBSESSED (said in Kim’s voice, obvi) with Kath & Kim and I have questions about a few tropes or common things I see. Some may need you to be familiar with the US and Aus:
    1) How popular was the show while it was on? Did families enjoy it equally like we did with Friends or Home Improvement or Seinfeld?
    2) How do Footy Franks compare to our regular hot dogs? Kim really seems to be chomping through those things like they require some might. Hot dogs can be chewed by those with no teeth over here.
    3) What is a bumbalina? Kim makes several references to what seems like a toy that looks like a butt but google is failing me.
    4) Does Target seem nearly identical here as it does there? From the show and my subsequent exploration online, it seems like they are the same exact store but are not associated in any way.
    5) Do you call all your meals tea?

    1. TeaFiend*

      LOL Absolutely hilarious to think anyone outside Australia would enjoy Kath and Kim! I’m so pleased.
      1. It’s a national phenomenon so I think it was very popular in it’s heyday (couldn’t say whether it was to the same extent as the shows you listed though). Everyone knows a few K&K references.
      2. I’ve never had a US hot dog but our hot dog buns do require a bit of chewing, as do the hot dogs themselves… I wouldn’t recommend an aussie hot dog to anyone without teeth.
      3. I’ve got nothing. Maybe an older Australian can help you here?
      4. Yeah they seem to be much the same, though Target in Australia doesn’t do groceries. They may sell a few snacks but that’s about it.
      5. Tea is dying out as a term in Australia and we’re switching more to saying lunch/dinner. Up to the 80s/90s people would normally say tea to refer to the evening meal (I think even earlier it may have been any larger meal after midday), but as the American cultural influence has grown we’ve sort of moved away from it. They still say it a lot in the UK and Ireland though.

      2. London Calling*

        Loved Target. When my mother was alive (she lived in Brisbane) I’d visit for her birthday in September and hit Target for summer clothes rather than carry a big suitcase halfway across the world. When I returned to the UK she’d pack them up and send them sea mail and there they were, all ready for the UK summer.

      3. Tell me About Australia!*

        Oh I spend hours watching on a non-stop loop! It’s on Netflix here. I also like Glitch about the people who rose from the dead. I hope it never leaves Netflix because it’s not on US DVDs.

    2. Australian!*

      1) yes it was very popular! We watched it as a family
      2) as far as a I can tell, I think footy franks are similar to US hot dogs, but they are smaller – also called cocktail franks. They have a very tough outer casing. Back then, you’d have them at kids birthday parties and just dip them in sauce (tomato ketchup) – no bread or anything. Not delicious, in my opinion!
      3) no idea! I don’t remember this from the show
      4) never been to US target but here it sells homewares, limited clothing, limited beauty, toys, etc. No groceries beyond some chocolates… it’s ok, just a very functional kind of shop… I never understand when I see Americans get excited about going to Target, like on TV or instagram! The stores are not affiliated in any way, I don’t think.
      5) this would be regional as well as generational, and also an indicator of socioeconomic background … mostly we have brekkie, lunch and dinner or tea. However, some people call lunch ‘dinner’. And tea can also refer to afternoon tea. But most likely you get invited for ‘a cup of tea’ (afternoon tea) or ‘tea’ which would be the evening meal. We never say supper – to me as a kid when I read American books I thought supper must be a second, light meal, after dinner and maybe just before bed LOL. And lastly, Australians loooooove brunch on the weekends, but it’s not usually a boozy affair, just your smashed avo on toast with some poached eggs and some lovely coffee (we’re snobby about that!). Kath & Kim surely mean ‘tea’ as the evening meal.

    3. Big fan.*

      1) My family from grandmother to children show Kath and Kim. We do have a very different programs to the American one though. If you are seeing Kim’s ‘second best friend, Sharon’ that is the Aussie version. We also loved the precursor show, Big Girls Blouse, which was amazing.
      2) We have hotdogs/frankfurters but those are different. We call them Cheerios in my state. They don’t need to be cooked and are a staple of children’s birthday parties. Widely considered a food of poorer areas. They are often handed over to children in supermarkets and butchers. Especially when heated they are easy to chew, I think the joke is that she is greedy & has terrible table manners.
      3) I vaguely remember these. I think it is bumblelina. Referenced plush toys. I think they are beanie babies but different, with the resulting price bubble and sense that collectors would make a fortune. I think that is why the jokes about Brett not taking them in the divorce. The joke being that they were worthless and only considered valuable by not very stylish people.
      4) I believe your Target is more like our Kmart (cheaper goods). Our target is one step up from Kmart in quality and price, but not a high end department store. Tends to sell workwear for example, rather than just casual clothing.
      5) names of meals are very regional. Where I am (small town in the bush, mainly farmers) it is brekkie (breakfast), morning tea/smoko, lunch/dinner, afternoon tea, dinner/tea. Normally people who say lunch have dinner in the evening and people who say dinner have tea in the evening. Smoko for a mid-morning snack and cup of tea is pretty old school.

      1. Big fan.*

        Not a Kath and Kim thing but as you asked about ‘tea’ I humbly present a song by the chats – ‘Im on smoko (so leave me alone)’. Lol. A window into the mind of a tradie :)

      2. Tell me About Australia!*

        What about calling nurses Sister? Is this a throwback to when hospitals were all Catholic or something? Is it A Thing all over?

        2. Lexi Vipond*

          I had a look in the OED, which says that the word was used in the documents setting up St Thomas’s Hospital in London in 1551, and similar documents for other hospitals, and that it’s probably carried over from the religious houses which predated them.

          A sister is generally the nurse in charge of a ward or similar, not just any nurse. (A few years ago they all changed into charge nurses or something like that, but a few years later I think some of them changed back again.)

      3. PollyQ*

        4) The reason Americans get excited about Target is that everything’s still pretty affordable, but it’s all nicer, more stylish, and better presented than a store like Kmart, which is bankrupt and down to 3 stores in the whole US.

  63. Jackalope*

    Random cookware question: I have a beloved summer recipe that involves putting some eggplants in a pan on the stove and scorching them. No other ingredients, no frying or anything. (I then do other things after they’re scorched.) As you can imagine, this is very rough on the pan, and my old pan that I’ve been using for this (which at this point is exclusively an eggplant scorching pan) is about to bite the dust. I’ve tried cast iron and it sticks too much. Any ideas on a material or type of pan that would be able to survive this kind of abuse?

    1. Filosofickle*

      Not exactly what you’re asking, but is there another method of scorching that might work, like grilling or broiling? Or doing it on an open flame, like when tv blacken bell peppers directly on the gas burner?

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Yeah my knee jerk reaction was do this on a grill. (As I was initially reading I was half expecting the question to be “it gets really hot inside doing this, would grilling work?” and was preparing to say “yep”.)

      2. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        That’s exactly how I make baba ganoush, just put the eggplant right on the gas stove burner, no pan, and DO NOT WALK AWAY.

    3. Esmeralda*

      Broil or grill. You can also line your pan with foil. I have a correctly seasoned cast iron skillet and I now use foil (or just broil or grill) things I need to burn/blacken— usually if it’s a small amount of whatever.

    4. TeaFiend*

      Sounds like an Ottolenghi recipe I’m obsessed with. Cast iron, when seasoned correctly, won’t be causing this issue. I’d suggest seasoning it more and adding a bit of oil to the pan when you’re scorching the eggplants, even if it’s not in the recipe.
      Alternatively, try using the hotplate of a bbq or broiling them in the oven.

    5. Anono-me*

      I may not be envisioning what you are doing correctly, but would a panini press or quesadilla maker work?

    6. Jackalope*

      I’ve thought many times of doing it on a grill but unfortunately we don’t have one and I don’t think it will be in the budget in the near future.

  64. Cordelia*

    I’m going on a safari!!
    Never done anything like this before, and am wondering about clothes. I understand about not wearing bright colours, but various things I am reading are saying dont wear white, blue, grey…does everything need to be khaki-based? trying not to buy too much new.
    Any tips on clothing? its South Africa, in October – mostly jeep based but some walking. I have plenty of camping and walking clothes but dont seem to have the right colours! thanks v much

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Why the color limits? Is it an animal thing so you don’t stand out? Or is it a “don’t look like a poacher / game warden” thing?
      Personally, I would stick to the guidelines that the safari company provides exactly for any time in the bush and save the fashion for after hours and when in town.

      1. Nathalie*

        It’s mostly to avoid insects, honestly – bright colours attract them. Black and blue attract tsetse flies. I’d avoid those colours everywhere, as the insects obviously don’t stick to the bush.

        You don’t need to wear just khaki, but as far as possible I’d stick to natural tones and lighter shades. Pastels are OK, usually. White is OK if you don’t mind it turning grey after a couple of hours. Keep fabrics lightweight and breathable, and in natural fibres. Layers are your friend. Long sleeves and legs will help avoid insects too.

        1. Cordelia*

          thanks, that’s really helpful – I hadn’t actually realised that about the insects, I think I thought I was trying not to draw attention to myself from bigger animals!

      2. Cordelia*

        oh I’m not worried about fashion! it’s a fairly basic tour and they haven’t really provided any guidance about packing, so this is what I’ve been getting from various online sources, but as some of those are companies trying to sell their safari gear, I was wondering how much I really needed

  65. Adman's daughter*

    A bit of fun– what ads & commercials are you seeing a ton of? Too much of? What’s memorable? Are there any jingles that stick in your head like bandaids?
    The old Bandaid (R) jingle is what started my family on this last night… my Zoomer turned around from doing dishes and said “WHAT did I just hear?”

    1. London Calling*

      UK here. No doubt I watch too much TV, but ads for Pure Cremation (with a rather creepy bloke), Verisure burglar alarms with what I can only describe as acting school dropouts – worst performances ever. Creepy bloke is popping up in those, as well. Clearly there is a pool of ‘couldn’t hack it in acting, will do ads instead’ people. And they are on ALL THE TIME.

      Derek and June in the Sun Life funeral plan ads. He’s always handing her a box of parsnips for some reason, no doubt some subtext I don’t get.

      1. London Calling*

        Pure Cremation had one ad that thankfully they seem to have dumped – a cartoon of two old men strolling along and one of them saying ‘I HATE funerals!’ like they’re a barrel of fun for the rest of us.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      Kars 4 Kids- the most annoying commercial of all time and it’s always on

      Empire floors

      Oscar Meyer bologna song

      1. Anono-me*

        “K A R R kars for kids” is the worst. Yes it made me remember the company, but with such hatred and loathing that if I am ever in the financial position to donate a ‘kar’ that I will never donate it to them.

      2. Generic Name*

        Ughhhh the flooring commercials. The tune for the jingle is absolutely atrocious. It’s in a minor key and sounds super flat, and the singers sound super whiny as they sing it. Plus the clunky “dun dun” at the end. Just why?

    4. YNWA*

      “I want to break freeeeee” the Norwegian Cruise Line ads. It plays about every third ad on Hulu lately.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      For awhile I was getting a ton of Kraft mac and cheese ones that involve various premises where kids are being rowdy and then their parents give them mac and cheese and Enya’s “Only Time” plays. They’re so funny and also made me realize that I’ve moved into a different ad demographic lol

      For jingles, I know a lot of boomer ones because my dad would sing them all the time when I was a kid (I’m a millennial) – so I often have songs for like, bologna and Mystery Date stuck in my head despite never having seen the ads they came from

    6. Super Anon*

      I have a bunch of old TV jingles permanently stuck in my head. Like, everyone from the Chicago area from a certain era, if you say five-eight-eight-two-three-hundred, I’ll respond “EMPIRE!” and probably mention a free Wilson Michael Jordan basketball :)

      I also fondly remember a Burger King commercial and Chex from elementary school (“dub-dub-dubble beef topped with double cheese – WHEE – order two double with regular fries and your soft drink’s free” to the tune of row-row-row your boat… also, “I-I-love-love-double-double-chex-chex…” to I don’t know what tune). These somehow regularly pop into my head even 30+ years later.

    7. Zelda Gilroy*

      You know you’re getting old when you hear the songs of your youth with lyric changes used to sell arthritis meds!

      I heard a great use of “I’ll be watching you” to advertise an alternative search engine to the “G” one that collects the searcher’s data.

    8. bratschegirl*

      Here in CA a massive ad push started back in the spring for a proposition (written by the big online gaming companies like Draft Kings and FanDuel) that would allow and tax online sports betting. So there are the pro- ads and the anti- ads and the pro-the-alternative prop ads and I’m about ready to throw something big and heavy through the tv screen and we don’t vote on it until November. And they’re making liberal use of the ad-sandwich technique that’s all the rage these days, where they show Ad A followed by Ad B followed by a full reprise of A. Ugh.

  66. WellRed*

    I’m hiring for a quick one time small cleaning at my apartment, small independent operator owner. Do I also tip? Do people usually leave when they have cleaners or just stay out if the way in another room?

    1. YNWA*

      I leave just because it’s awkward to be there.
      I also tip if it’s a one-off, if it’s a bi weekly thing I don’t tip but I give extra at the holidays.

    2. Yeah summer!*

      I feel it’s better to leave. I’d get in their way and feel like I should be cleaning too.
      I also cleaned houses in college and I don’t remember people ever being there when we cleaned.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I always stayed, but in a room they weren’t cleaning. I WFH and they were coming during my work day, so I just stayed in my office with my dogs.

    5. Lifelong student*

      Is this a one person operation or small company with employees. I would use the same theory I use at hair salons- don’t tip the owner- but maybe tip the employee. Theory being owner sets the prices while employees do not get the same reward for the service and often have expenses they pay for the job.

    6. Cordelia*

      I’d tip, for a one-off cleaning.
      I’ve been there when they arrive, showed them around and then gone out locally while giving them my phone number and saying to call me if they need to ask anything. Far too awkward with them being there, probably for them too – I preferred to just let them get on with their work

    7. Not So NewReader*

      If you are going to be cleaning with the person, then make that clear at the time you set the appointment. You can add,” I need help pushing furniture so we can vacuum underneath” this would be a great example of what you expect to do with the cleaner.

      If you are not going to be cleaning with them, then just stay out of the room they are working in. “I’ll get out of your way!”, covers this one. Not many people like to be watched for even feel like they are being watched while they work.

    8. North Wind*

      I used to have a regular cleaner, every other week, and they came during the work day. I wasn’t WFH then, and I’m trying to remember the set-up – I’m sure I didn’t give them a key when we first started, but I came to trust them enough to leave a house key with them eventually. I would never stay home while they cleaned in any case, because it was a studio apartment and there was simply no room for me and a cleaner. I did tip them every time, because they didn’t charge that much to begin with.

      I’ve moved since then, and no longer get regular cleaning, but have had a few one-off deep-cleans. In these cases, I stay at home. I WFH now and so I busy myself with that. I show them around, ask them how they would like to proceed (most folks have a preferred routine), and let them know that I’ll stay out of their hair, in whatever room they’re not currently cleaning.

      The apartment is big enough that if I’m working in the living room I can’t even see them working in other parts of the apartment, and when they’re ready to do this room I move back to the office (where I can’t see them cleaning the living/dining room). I do think it would be awkward to be in the same room while they clean – no one wants to feel like someone is looking over their shoulder while they work.

      Also, the few times I’ve had a deep-clean, multiple people have come to do it. I find that less awkward as well than if it were just me and one other person. They chat to each other while they clean, and I’m engaged in my work.

  67. Bluebell*

    Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on parameters for picking a beach vacation house next summer. After some discussion, it seems like 3 different units will be the answer. I have mixed feelings, because it will definitely mean less informal interaction. I also ceded some of the research duties, and said I’d choose where my family would go, and send links to places nearby. I may still try to find a house, as the idea of a high rise condo with one small deck just isn’t my idea of a relaxing vacation.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I didn’t follow that discussion last week, but I remember the original post. We’ve done family vacations where there were separate units/hotel rooms but one dwelling was larger and had a public space. For example, everyone is in a regular hotel room but one family has a suite with a living room, or everyone is in an efficiency studio but one family has a casita. The public space in the larger unit was then designated the “party room” and we set it up with music and snacks so that people could gather there.

      You need to work out details like does everyone get a key to that space, what are the rules about entering when the occupants are sleeping in the bed area, etc. and also who pays for it. I assume that the more you spread the costs of that unit, the less territorial the occupants could reasonably be about the public space. In our case, as the family elders, we paid for the upgraded space ourselves and set the rules of engagement, but it was a nice way for the family to hang out informally.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks for the idea! I might try to broach this. I think part of the issue is that all three sisters are similar in age, and might want the bigger space. I think I’m the most likely to be willing to pay for it. What might happen is that I might get a bigger house with a hot tub, and maybe an extra bedroom so that anyone who wants to stay over there for a night or so can. One extra twist that I wasn’t expecting was that the 18-year-old is planning to bring her boyfriend, but who knows if they even will still be dating after their first year of college, which just started.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Similarly, my husband’s family has rented condos in a complex (sometimes high rises or mid rises, sometimes standalone units in a compound like setting) where there was a separate community room you could rent. The best had a kitchen and tables (and a private restroom) as a space for communal meals, but people hung out in the rooms whenever they weren’t actively doing other things. That way no one has to share their “space” and it maked splitting the cost less loaded. With those set ups, you just have to determine whether or not they allow outside food and drink- that part of the family holds them every other year and this year’s location didn’t allow outside food, so we ended up with rented picnic pavilions and wasn’t ideal in a really warm location. (The siblings also rotate who organizes it each time)

  68. Llama face!*

    Low risk hobbies/activities/social outlets during COVID?

    Does anyone have any recommendations for things I could do this fall and winter that don’t involve being in a room with unmasked folks for long periods of time? My social life is lacking but I’m struggling to find things I could do that are not plague generators.

    Considerations: I’m a poor student so money *is* definitely an object, I live in the Canadian prairies where winter is very long and cold, I don’t have a car, and my province has zero COVID protections in place- all attempts to prevent getting sick are on my end with no supportive community policies. Also our health system is actively failing atm. :'(

    Any suggestions appreciated!

    1. PollyQ*

      I don’t know how easy something like this would be to find, but I’m in a small group of social Slackers who watch a movie “together” online once a week, while commenting in a text thread. I find it super-enjoyable and have seen a lot of movies I wouldn’t have otherwise.

      1. Pennyworth*

        During Covid lockdown a friend of mine used to do art gallery ‘tours’ online with a group of like minded people. I guess you do similar stuff with any topic that interests you – visit museums, historic places, tourist destinations.

        1. Llama face!*

          Hi Pennyworth, do you have any idea how the group part of that works? I have seen some online art/museum tours but they have just involved looking at pictures online or watching a video-style virtual tour. But the tours I saw didn’t have any way to make them interactive with other people.

      2. Llama face!*

        Weird, my reply to you seems to have vanished so reposting it.

        Hi PollyQ, that’s a nice sounding idea. I have one friend I do monthly online movie dates with where we watch something together on Netflix and video chat at the same time. But a movie group would be neat!

    2. RagingADHD*

      I mean, anything in a Canadian winter is either going to be outdoor sports (which may prove logistically difficult without transportation), indoors (which you don’t want to do), or online from home – in which case you could participate with anybody, anywhere in the world.

      What kind of things do you like to do?

      Are you willing to be indoors and wear a mask yourself?

      Are you willing to flex your participation according to how your community transmission numbers change?

      Would you be willing to attend events where everyone is vaccinated? Some clubs / groups require proof of vax regardless of whether there are official mandates.

      Are there any other students in your classes who mask consistently? They might be a good resource to talk to.

      1. Llama face!*

        Hi RagingADHD, I’ll try and answer your questions:
        1). I am flexible on topics (willing to develop new inexpensive hobbies, areas of focus) and already have fairly eclectic interests. I read a lot and love learning new things. About the only thing I’d say I strongly dislike is watching sports.
        2 -4). I am only comfortable indoors with universal masking due to the extended high transmission rates in my community. My community is in denial about reality- which is that locally we are in the middle of our deadliest year for COVID so far- and there are 0 indoor in-person groups or activities I have found here that require either vaccination or masking. Unfortunately our transmission rates are looking like they’ll only be going up further as fall approaches. :(
        5). My schooling is a distance learning format with optional in-person campus attendance but most people do their work from home. There is no interaction at campus (literally, it’s the rule not to disturb other students) and usually there’s only one other person there when I’ve been there. I don’t know any of the other students. Not entirely my choice, btw: I had only two school options due to the funding I am getting and this was the one that had the most relevant courses.

        By the way, if you know of some interesting and healthy online communities I could look into joining, please pass along recommendations!

        1. just another queer reader*

          I am in a different city than you but a similar climate. You may have already exhausted your options, but I’d recommend looking again for student or community groups with good COVID precautions. (For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed that queer groups often are more COVID cautious; if you’re not part of the community per se, there might be events that are open to all.)

          Fall can be pretty pleasant – is there a bike group you could join? Some brave souls bike all winter long!

          The way to make friends is repeated low-pressure interactions. If you make a point to say hi and have positive interactions with your neighbors and coworkers, you might have new acquaintances!

          All the best to you! Making friends as an adult is hard, and even more so during pandemic times.

          1. Llama face!*

            Thanks, I will keep looking and also thanks for the tip re: queer groups tending to be more COVID cautious. I am asexual so it tends to be a toss up whether people consider me categorically in or out of the community, but of course that wouldn’t matter for an open event.

            I have a bike- and have used it, hmmm, maybe three times in the last 5 years? Definitely rusty! (me, not the bike) I know there are biking groups in the city but the ones I’ve seen are significantly more advanced in their cycling skills. They have very impressive leg muscles! But it may be worth checking if there are any beginner groups in the area.

        2. Kittee*

          Have you looked at meetup.com? Many meetup groups are online because of COVID, which means you can join one that’s happening many places in the world. I just started looking, and since I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for, I just browsed topics and groups. There are a lot of different things going on! Hopefully something would spark your interest.

        3. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          I am not personally into Dungeons & Dragons, but one of my coolest besties swears by it, and I recently learned that there are multiple apps for playing it online/remotely with people. The two apps for doing this that I’m aware of are called Roll 20, and D&D Beyond.

          Volunteering is also generally a good way to meet interesting people. I realize that outdoor opportunities may be difficult to find in the winter, but maybe there’s a local kids’ hockey team (yes, apologies for the Canada stereotype!) that could use a friendly assistant, or canvassing for an upcoming election.

          I also participated in multiple zoom-based book clubs over the pandemic, but eventually had to give them up due to zoom fatigue (I was also taking multiple zoom-based writing workshops, so…) I think if uou can’t find one to join, that would be an easy thing to organize yourself, either by posting on social media or putting up a flyer at the local library.

    3. Perpetual hobbyist*

      This isn’t necessarily a social hobby but I love knitting as a fun distraction in the winter months! It can get expensive but can also be done cheaply depending on what yarn you choose. If you have a local yarn store in your area they may have a knitting group you could join (although of course they may or may not be masked).

      1. Perpetual hobbyist*

        Even just going outside to a park and knitting can be nice change of pace (in the fall while it’s still warm enough to be outside) and can even be a good conversation starter!

  69. slowingaging*

    Cooking prep survey. Do you pop or trim your green beans and why? I am not committed either way.

    1. PollyQ*

      Depends on my mood, but I tend to just trim the “heads” (i.e., where they were attached to the vine) and leave the rest. The “tails” are edible, and that’s the way fancy restaurants serve them, so I figure it’s good enough. I’m not sure what you mean by “pop,” which I guess means I don’t do that.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Depends on the type of bean and how mature they are. If they are stringy, I snap them so I can pull the strings off.

      If they are the tender French haricot type, I just trim the stem end.

    3. Llama face!*

      I break off the stem end and the tail because that’s how my mom taught me to do it growing up. Not sure why the tail needed to go.

      By pop, do you mean popping off the ends or popping them open so they are more like the “french style” green beans you get in a can?

      1. slowingaging*

        My Grandma always popped green beans from her garden, which meant near the end of the bean, you break it off. This usually happened sitting on the front porch. Suddenly I found myself popping the beans and I usually trim them with a knife. I was trying to decide which was the best way and why.

        1. Llama face!*

          Ah, I see. Then my family and I are definitely poppers and not cutters. I’ve never actually tried cutting them.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      We do not pop green beans, we snap them. :)

      Why on earth would you dirty a knife and a cutting board when you just need two bowls to snap, and you’d need the bowls anyway unless you have enough room on the cutting board for all the green beans? Or just snap straight into the cooking pot? Plus you can take two bowls over to the TV or out to the porch, instead of needing the table for the cutting board.

      I’ve never tried cut vs snap for speed.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        That’s what I was going to say. They were called snap beans where I grew up in my youth. I’m pretty sure the ride canned and frozen beans (and less fresh beans) have transitioned people to calling them green beans, though.

      2. PollyQ*

        Because if you grab the beans in bundles of a half-dozen or so, you can cut off all their tails in a batch, which I think may be a little quicker. It does dirty an extra knife & cutting board, but I have a dishwasher, so it’s no big. I also feel I lose less of the bean if I trim rather than break off the end.

    5. Fit Farmer*

      The stems have never felt all that eatable to me, so yes I remove the stem end (Italian-style flat beans).

      I froze I guess it was a half bushel last year, and if I remember right the fastest method I came to was to grab a bean from the container with my left hand as I pinched/snapped the tip with my right-hand fingers, and just kept doing this all in the container (the tips just drop back into the container and filter to the bottom) until my left hand was full of snapped beans, and I then dropped the entire handful in a bowl. Keep hands as close to beans as possible. Repeat until done…

      If I were just doing a handful for dinner, I might snap them individually or line them up and use a knife, but we actually rarely eat fresh beans — all the beans are snapped and blanched en masse and then cooked out of the freezer when we want to eat them.

  70. Chaordic One*

    I end up doing one or the other, but I’m not really sure why I do what I do when I do it. Not much help I’m afraid.

    2. ShinyPenny*

      But a blue ribbon entry in the genre!
      Zero specificity, and yet somehow high on the implication scale. The reflective conversational tone will contrast nicely with things going off the rails later, in the vein of The Twilight Zone.
      I would read that short story :)

  71. Lcsa99*

    I know there have been several threads about moving cross country lately so I apologize if this has been asked. If you’re mailing most of your stuff and flying, is there a reasonable way to move houseplants? We’re kind of assuming my mother will have to leave them behind/give them away but she’s getting rid of so many other things, if there is a reasonable way to move her plants that would be nice.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How many, how big? If you’re talking a few or small ones, you can carefully wrap and pack plants into a sack or box to carry on the plane; I frequently bring back small plants in my carry-on luggage from vacations (I know, my husband thinks it’s weird too :) ). I’ve also ordered plants in up to 10” pots online that have traveled fine through the mail, as long as the pots/dirt are carefully wrapped and padded- the larger ones have all had the wrapped pots straight-up taped to the side of the box, with bubble wrap, paper and those air packs tucked around the leafy parts for protection. Any that can’t be shipped or carried in their current pots, she can at least try to keep cuttings to start new plants at home – wrap them in damp paper towel and then plastic, and then tuck them into an envelope and those can be either carried or mailed. (I just mailed baby spider plants to a couple of friends this weekend in plain old bubble envelopes, for example.) If you’re mailing plants over the winter, I would suggest putting those break-and-shake hand warmers in to keep the plants from freezing.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        She might also with some types of plants have luck in unpotting them from their pots, rinse most of the dirt off the root structure, and wrap the roots up in damp paper towel and plastic wrap, to take up less space than moving the whole pot/dirt/etc, but I’ve not tried that with plants that weren’t cuttings.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I get plants by mail order, so I don’t see why you couldn’t. You’ll want to put them in plastic pots or bag the root, and put each one in its own box. The box should be a close fit.

      If they are tall, you should stake them. The foliage should be cut back or bagged to prevent it rattling around and getting crushed.

      Water them well, and they should be fine to be in the box for a couple of days.

    3. KatEnigma*

      First, check the destination State’s regulations to make sure it’s not illegal. Certain States are strict about some plants and a couple others are strict about all plants.

      After that, I would suggest cuttings from the plants rather than the plants themselves, wrapped in something to keep the roots damp, either in her carry-on or sent via courier- My SIL once sent us and most of the family Christmas cactus she had cultivated from her grandmother’s plant. And of course the mail order plant sellers do that all the time. But anything other than cuttings would be cost prohibitive to me, at least, because they would have to be sent via 2 day at slowest.

    4. Bumblebeee*

      It’s never occurred to me to move house plants because I’ve only lived in countries that have strict rules against bringing in plants!

  72. mdv*

    I have spent the weekend attacking the piles of papers and boxes of paper collected in other parts of my house and dumped in the space I’m using as a home office (formerly the spare bedroom), and organizing what remains into some new IKEA Kallax cubes. This feels like a MASSIVE accomplishment since some of these things have been gathering for 7+ years. There are a few boxes of stuff that I have to keep around until I can ship them to my brother halfway across the continent, but it feels so nice in here, I actually *want* to be in here! Just had to share this great feeling with my AAM community.

  74. inkheart*

    I did not see the usual writing thread, so I will start it. With a confession. I am afraid to start writing. What if it’s no good? What if someone figures out I am talking about them? What if I di it “wrong”? Any advice for just getting started?

Comments are closed.