weekend open thread – October 1-2, 2022

by Alison Green on October 1, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Lost Ticket, by Freya Sampson. Strangers unite to help an elderly man who is searching for a woman he met on a bus 60 years ago. Someone called this a “hug in book form” and that’s pretty much right.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,027 comments }

{ 1,027 comments… read them below }

  1. My Cat's in the Yarn Again!*

    I have a question for the knitters: what is the secret about using interchangeable circular needles? Half of the people that I know that use them love them. The other half hate them because they won’t stay together. I decided to give them a try (ChiaoGoo brand) and there have been several times when the tips have started to separate from the cable. I use the little “key” to tighten them, but they still separate. Am I doing something wrong?

    1. germank106*

      There’s really no “secret” to interchangeables. I like them for the convenience. I love that I can make the body of the sweater using a long cable and the sleeves using a short one without having to change needles. Last year I finished a king size blanket (WTF was I thinking) and connected three long cables in order to have room for all my stitches. I have several sets of Chiaogoo Interchangeables and never had a problem with the needle tips separating from the cable. Did you buy them at Amazon? Lately there has been a bit of talk on Ravelry about counterfeit Chiaogoo needles on Amazon. Luckily Chiaogoo has a very generous return program and a lifetime warranty. You can contact them and they will make sure you get a good set of needles. You can file a claim here: http://www.chiaogoo.com/customer-service/.

      1. My Cat's in the Yarn Again!*

        I got them in my local yarn store, but perhaps I should contact the company for advice.

      2. LittleMarshmallow*

        I’m late to the comment section but am an avid knitter! And hate interchangeables with a firey passion… for myself. In the knitting community I’m in, many also hate them, some are willing to use them for the convenience even though you have to constantly tighten them, and some don’t seem to have issues with them coming loose. My completely unscientific theory is that the people where they don’t come loose either have ridiculous strength to tighten them or… their knitting motion isn’t as twisty. If you watch knitters some move a ton and some barely move at all… I actually think the ones that move less have more issues… because the small twist motions you do to maneuver the yarn is probably unscrewing your needles vs people that do more motions outside of the needles. Anyway, I think knitters should do what works for them. But I’ve not come across a foolproof trick to keeping them from coming loose.

    2. Basic Bisque*

      Yeah, there’s no secret! Maybe you need to try out a few different brands? I love hiyahiyas.

      I like interchangeables because I can have a billion projects on the go at once, without needing a billion different needles.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I use the KnitPicks brand and love them. I think separating is kind of dependent on how tightly you hold your needles and how roughly you manhandle them haha. I do check every row or two to make sure they don’t look loose but it’s rarely an issue. I do a lot of lace and I like that I can tie my lifeline through the tightening hole on my working needle and run it along that way rather than having to manually run it through a row.

    4. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

      I honestly just think they’re cool. I’m a Gen Xer and maybe they remind me of Lego or Meccano? I use Knit Picks or Knit Pro & just really enjoy handling them, the look & feel – I’m gradually replacing all my needles with the new Karbonz (black/silver) because I am a sucker for a good story about how they are light yet durable etc etc etc (“A revolutionary product!! New-age needles made from High-Tech carbon fiber with tips in electroplated brass!”)

      BUT I do find that they separate & the yarn gets snagged (mine don’t do this if I use the little key but I don’t always bother), and there is often a little snag hazard at the join even if they don’t fully separate. The join between the carbon-fibre shafts and the brass tips on my beloved Karbonz is never completely smooth, either, and very fine yarn gets caught sometimes.

      So I’m not too proud to say that for me at least this is about style over substance. But gosh,they’re stylish and they give me such pleasure to work with, where straight needles would probably make me feel like my mum.

    5. Susie*

      I use addi click. It took a few tries to make sure the connection was good, but I haven’t had any issues since.
      I like the interchangeable sets because it significantly reduces the storage space for the circular needles and the annoyance of sorting through them to find the right combo of needle size and cord length (or having to buy something if I couldn’t find the right combo)

    6. EventingForChickens*

      I absolutely love my HiyaHiya sets and have had them for probably close to a decade now. I have had one occasion where a tip loosened by itself as I was knitting and it was the one and only time I tightened by hand instead of using the little grippy thingies.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Yeah, same! I love my HiyaHiyas. I do find you need to use the rubber thingies (and I’m often lazy and don’t, but can usually catch it before it comes apart!)

    7. Gail Steehler*

      I have never had needles come apart (I have Knitter’s Pride). Do you feel like you are fighting and twisting the cable? Maybe try using a longer one and make sure to tightened with the key at the start?? Sorry!

    8. Lexi Vipond*

      Yes, mine tend to come apart if I’ve tightened just by hand, but stay better if I do it with something in the little hole (I can never find the actual key, but a T-headed blocking pin or the tip of a darning needle works!)

      Do you need to try tightening them more than you think?
      If it’s the needle part you feel like you’re not getting a good enough grip on, I suppose any of the friction tips for opening jars (rubber bands, rubber gloves, sellotape…) might work.

    9. e271828*

      I use addi clicks and have never had a separation.

      Are you coiling the cable as you work or for storage? Some makes have a stiff cable that could exert a fair bit of torque on the connection.

    10. Teacher, Here*

      I realized I sort of “untwist” as I knit? I’m not sure how to describe this other than that the way I shift to the next stitch was applying unscrewing pressure. Once I stopped doing that (and always used the key to tighten), I haven’t had trouble. I love my Ciaogoo set — smooth as silk and soooo nice to be able to swap around as needed.

  2. Doctor visit*

    My doctor referred me to a hematologist because my white blood cells are high and my red blood cells are low. I think some of the red blood cell concerns are due to excessive bleeding. Anyway, I asked my husband to go with me to the appointment and he doesn’t want to because he says it’s more of a “female thing.” There is a chance it could be indicative of something else, right? The building is a hematology/oncology facility.

    1. Maggie*

      I guess my question would be why do you not get support for “female” things? If you had a baby or a cancer in a female organ (very different things obviously but just an example) would he not be part of your care for that stuff? I’d be pretty frustrated! It sounds like it could be a variety of things since you’re being referred for testing. Sorry that you are going through that. I hope all is well with your health!

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        My thought exactly. You asked him for support and he refused? Because “female things” are not worth his time? Or he thinks they’re icky?
        That’s not a great attribute about your husband.
        I have no idea about the issue itself, but I hope it all works out, and I really hope your husband steps up and goes with you to support you. If he won’t, take a friend or another family member so you don’t have to go alone.

      2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        ^This, definitely. I guess he doesn’t need your support down the line if he develops prostate cancer? Or an ulcer in his manly stomach?

        It could be plenty of other things anyway. My wife had similar labs, but is trans so it’s obviously not menstruation related. The hematologist looked for hidden digestive tract bleeding first, but that’s not it and we’re still looking.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Yes, it could be indicative of something other than a female thing. Tell your husband that your blood runs throughout your body and not just through your lady bits.

      1. HoundMom*

        I am not a doctor but I can assure you that not all people with your blood tests have cancer or something scary. This is just one anecdote. My elderly father has similar results. It is not cancer but some kind of imbalance in the way nutrients get absorbed in his body. They don’t have a “real” diagnosis for it. Every few months he goes for an hour long iron infusion for two to four weeks. It is not painful or difficult. He doctor is a hemotologist working out of the cancer wing. So it maybe something chronic and not life threatening. He has been doing this for at least three years and he feels great after.

    3. Educator*

      I am sorry you are dealing with this; medical unknowns are hard. The term “female thing” is so ridiculous–because it is straight out of 1950, because support can come from people of all gender identities for all issues, and…because we all have blood. But I think you have a bigger issue than this appointment.

      Depending on where you are and what other paperwork you have set up, your spouse may be the one to make your medical decisions if you become incapacitated. If your spouse is uninterested in your care or unwilling to discuss “female things,” it could be a real problem in an emergency. I think there is a bigger conversation to be had with your spouse about the role you want to play in supporting each other in medical situations so that you can set up a healthcare power of attorney if needed.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Please don’t waste energy right now on your husband’s dumb hangups. Call a friend or a family member to go with you if you want support.

      It could be nothing in particular. It could be an elevated white count from an infection. It could possibly be something more serious, but for right now this is just a precaution.

      Best wishes.

    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Just to put your mind a little bit at ease, AFAIK, most hematologists are also oncologists. I’ve been to the same one for two different issues, one cancer and one not.

    6. Squidhead*

      Yes, there is a chance this is not related to menses, especially with the elevated white count. It’s also fairly unlikely that the hematologist is going to to a pelvic exam right there (they’d refer you back to a gyn) but your husband could step out of the room during the physical exam if he wanted.

      If your husband truly doesn’t want to go, that’s part of a bigger conversation but meanwhile I’d suggest bringing someone with you to take notes/ask questions about the next steps, etc… The visit will probably be some combination of reviewing your previous history and then explaining what avenues they want to pursue, which can get a little confusing with “if/then” types of things (“if the CT scan doesn’t show anything, then we would want to do an MRI”). Your buddy can help you remember to ask things like “what is the CT scan looking for?” “how do I schedule it?” “where do I pick up that medication?”

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband went with me to the appointment where I got diagnosed with breast cancer.

        1. Curmudgeon in California*

          It points out that some spouses are supportive even if the problem is “female problems”.

          2. eh*

            I definitely wasn’t confused about that. Dipthong’s comment is just unhelpful and, quite frankly, rude.

    9. Doctor visit*

      Thanks everyone so very much for your help! He generally is a wonderfully supportive man but just gets oddly squicky about this type of thing. The irony is he himself has undergone multiple surgeries for a laundry list of health issues! I think I’m just going to tell him that attendance at this visit is very important to me and is non-negotiable.

      1. Jay*

        Hope he gets it. If not, can you find someone else? I’ve been that person for some friends and will be again next month when one of my besties has cataract surgery. I was also the secret backup for a friend who was concerned her very squeamish husband wouldn’t make it through the delivery of her first child (he did!). You deserve support from someone you don’t have to take care of during the appointment. Hope all goes well.

      2. Generic+Name*

        I hope his response was just a knee-jerk reaction and he is able to be supportive of you. If that isn’t happening, I suggest finding a family member or a friend who can go with you and provide support regardless of whether your issue stems from having 2 X chromosomes or not.

      3. Ginger Pet Lady*

        He can be “oddly squicky” I suppose. Though he really needs to get over that if he wants to be with women. It’s misogynist. There’s no way around it – men who think women are gross are misogynists.
        He can ALSO step up and be there for you, if he chooses.
        If he chooses not to step up for you because he wants nothing to do with those “squicky” female things, that’s useful information to have a hard think about.

    11. Madame Arcati*

      I’d put the fact that your haematology appointment is at a clinic that also deals with oncology, from your mind if you can. If you were going to a clinic for corns on your feet and it was a podiatry and orthopaedics clinic, you wouldn’t be worried there was something wrong with your bones :-)
      As for your husband, well if he’s going to be a t!t about it then I am sure you have a friend or relative that would go along with you and provide support etc.

    12. Chief+Petty+Officer+Tabby*

      Tell him to bring his ass to the doctor with you to support you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “female thing” or not!

      It’s literally ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! HE SHOULD BE INTERESTED!

      What the ever loving hell is WRONG with him?!

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your husband married a female. He has two choices: support you, or be a crappy person. And there are consequences to being a crappy person.

    14. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      1. There are plenty of things it should be that aren’t “female things” from GI bleeding to something like leukemia or myelodysplastic syndrome.

      2. I’d be tempted to support my husband’s comfort by allowing him to abstain from “female things” in the future by foregoing sex or touching my body if he took this tactic.

    15. bratschegirl*

      I am really ticked off at your husband for letting his childish “eeewwww, lady parts and blood” reaction get in the way of being an actually supportive partner when you’re facing something potentially scary. I also think you need a companion at this visit who will be present enough to listen, absorb, take good notes, and ask good questions, and if he’s too weirded out to do that for you, and so busy cringing that he doesn’t take in what the doc is saying, then you’ll be better off with someone else accompanying you.

      Best wishes for a not-scary diagnosis that’s easily resolved, and for your husband to find the strength to be a true partner “in sickness and in health.”

    16. KatEnigma*

      A “female thing?”

      My husband has gone to all of my gyn appointments to find out why I am bleeding so much (finally) and will go with me to my gynecological hematologist’s appointment.

      Tell him to grow up, even if it IS only a “female thing”

      1. KatEnigma*

        * Meant gynecological oncologist’s appointment. (And non scary. No cancer yet, but am getting a hysterectomy before it develops. My gynecologist just referred me to the oncologist for that part)

    17. Just Reading the Comments*

      Hematologist and oncology sometimes go hand-in-hand. I see a hematologist a few times a year for an autoimmune syndrome of the blood. My hematologist also happens to be an oncologist as are the others in the office. It’s sometimes hard to get past that but after 5 years I am used to it.

  3. cutting cords*

    I’m thinking of finally getting rid of my land line (I know) and just using my cell phone. My question: we have a house with 2 large stories plus basement. Would I have to take my cell with me all over my house so I can hear if someone calls me? That seems impractical. How do other people who live in large-ish spaces do this?

      1. Artemesia*

        I wear my phone in a bandolier phone carrier. I love it — can’t drop the phone or set it down and lose it and it is convenient to have for photos etc. BAndolier is terrific — my 5 year old leather case looks new; just got a new one like it for the new phone. But there are also similar much cheaper phone covers you wear cross body.

        We don’t have a land line — haven’t had for 12 years.

    2. You used to call me on your cellphone*

      No advice about the big house, but I want to encourage you (and everybody) to keep a land line in case of emergency, like hurricanes. A few years ago a person broke into my house in the middle of the night and stole my phone & it was super awkward to contact police in the middle of the night.

      1. English Rose*

        Yes, I keep a landline for emergency reasons only. I think I’ve had one call on it in two years but it’s a handy backup and inexpensive. Also, I must admit I’m a bit of a vintage fan, and I have a reconditioned 1940s phone which I love the look of!

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          Same. And my SO rarely charges his phone (when he bothers to turn it on). It’s impractical not to have a landline for us.

        2. e271828*

          Land lines in most US locations are no longer over copper and have been transferred to VOIP, meaning they are dependent on power. They are also not “inexpensive.” I maintained one until two years ago, and it was nudging $40 a month for a line on which I got few to no calls.

          Cell towers have batteries and are likely to have some performance in a disaster situation.

          If one is very concerned about communications, one gets a ham license, which is not difficult now that they’ve taken out the Morse test.

      2. WS*

        Depends where you live! In Australia, landlines have almost all been transferred to the National Broadband Network, so no power means no landline. Yes, this is stupid, especially in rural areas that are most likely to have natural disasters, most likely to have power outages, and least likely to have good mobile coverage.

        2. PsychNurse*

          Yes– I am in Connecticut. Where I am, there is no such thing as a true landline. Everything is connected through, um (my understanding of technology is very fuzzy) the internet? Or something? So basically, I can have a phone that looks and acts like a landline, but it is connected to a box, and if we lose electricity, we lose the line. I really wanted a landline when my son was young enough to stay home alone but too young for a cell phone. But I just ended up getting a flip-phone cell for him, once I realized there was really no such thing as a “land line” in my town.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m pretty sure our land line uses a voip and so wouldn’t work if all the local power were out.

      4. fposte*

        Though unfortunately most people with landlines these days have cordless phones with bases that run on electrical power. No power, no landline, even if you’re in a system that still runs on good old copper wire.

        1. Russian in Texas*

          During a hurricane, the AT&T box in my Dad’s neighborhood got a short (? something electrical) and the whole neighborhood’s landline died.

        2. Random Biter*

          Yepper, that’s how it is at my house. I keep the landline because so many older accounts like doctors or businesses have my house phone number as opposed to my cell. But if the power goes out the house phone does, too.

      5. KatEnigma*

        If landlines were still ACTUAL landlines and not VOIP, sure. But 99% of “landlines” at least in populated areas are VOIP and go out as soon as you lose electricity. The cell towers come back up at lot faster in natural disasters.

      1. cutting cords*

        Huh. So if I’m on the top level and my husband calls to me from the basement and I go to see what he wants, I’d pick up my phone and carry it with me even though I don’t know if I’ll be gone 1 minute or 30 minutes? It seems like such a hassle.

        1. Maggie*

          I’d probably only bring my phone to do that if I was expecting a call? My apartment is only one floor but it’s very long and so if I care I’ll bring it, but if I don’t care I won’t? Haha never thought about it this much!

        2. Platypus Queen*

          Some people bring their phones with them everywhere, others don’t, but not sure what this has to do with landlines. Unless your house has more than one phone line and your husband is in the habit of calling you on your landline whenever he’s in the attic and you’re in the basement, which would seem…unusual.

          Personally I have hit a point where I tend to have my phone with me most of the time, but I don’t feel any obligation to answer numbers I don’t recognize. If it’s important, they can leave a message and I will call them back.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          My husband and kids tend to just leave a phone in their pocket and so it travels with them throughout any building. I tend to leave mine by my purse and so miss calls.

          We will probably get rid of the landline when we next move. I like it, but once the kids had their own phones it was less useful.

          1. Texan In Exile*

            I hadn’t seen your post when I wrote my wish for pockets but there you go: your kids and your husband keep their phones in their pockets and you leave yours in your purse because women’s clothes do not have pockets and when they do have pockets, the pockets are not big enough for phones.

            Right now, the big issue is saving democracy, but after that, I am back to The Revolution for pockets and potty parity.

            2. Esprit de l'Escalier*

              Yes to pockets in women’s clothing! This is why all my skirts and dresses are at least 15 years old, because back then you could readily find them with adequate pockets (although as the smart phones get bigger, those pockets get more iffy). However, I rarely wear skirts and dresses any more…. My pants all have pockets too but those are still available if you don’t need to be fashionable. It’s really non-negotiable for me.

        4. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          I always have my phone on me anyways because I listen to podcasts nonstop when I’m home, so it tickles me to hear that this sounds difficult, but then again, I don’t put on shoes to go outside in cold weather because it would drive me batty to fiddle with them just to run outside for a few seconds, and I’m sure plenty of other people can’t fathom that either. Basically, if it’s gonna drive you nuts to carry a phone all the time, just don’t do it, or get some wearable that transmits your calls to you, or just keep that landline. Life is short! Don’t be annoyed by physical objects if you don’t have to be!

        5. Texan In Exile*

          If women’s clothes had pockets, this would not be such an issue.

          (And designers – when you do give us pockets, we want them to be big enough to hold a phone.)

        6. Madame Arcati*

          Don’t you have that issue with a land line? I mean, getting rid of a landline isn’t going to make it easier to answer the phone if it rings, will it? You might have had a cordless but the handset is usually much bulkier than a mobile phone. I feel like this problem is the wrong way round!
          Unless you had a landline socket and handset in literally every room, how the heck is using a mobile only going to make like more difficult in terms of getting to it? I mean, this is what mobile phone are for; you can take them with you wherever you go…

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think OP would have a phone on every floor, which actually makes sense. Or at least the floors with living space. She’d probably be able to hear it as it, no need to move it about.

        7. Russian in Texas*

          I don’t carry it around if I just coming downstairs to grab some snack or going to the bathroom or something of the sort. Only when I “relocate” to another room for a longer period of time. But I almost never get actual calls.

        9. Observer*

          I’d pick up my phone and carry it with me even though I don’t know if I’ll be gone 1 minute or 30 minutes? It seems like such a hassle.

          That’s what pockets are for ;)

          Seriously speaking, pockets or a belt clip are a good idea. Also, think about how you handle the landline in your house. Do you have multiple extensions or do you sometimes miss calls?

          1. Gnome*

            well, some of us only wear skirts and most of them don’t have pockets as per other comments. however, unless I’m expecting a call, or actively using my phone, I just leave my phone where I was. mind, I sometimes then need someone to call my phone so I can find it.

        10. Been There*

          I carry my phone with me everywhere out of habit, but if you don’t want to do that you could get a smartwatch that connects to your smartphone. It lets you pick up phone calls through the watch so you wouldn’t have to worry about where your phone is.

        11. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Maybe that’s why women are getting so vocal about refusing to buy clothing without pockets…

        12. LittleMarshmallow*

          That really depends how “connected” you want to be. I guess if you’re concerned put it in your pocket and just keep it on you. If you’re not in the habit of doing that… maybe leave it on “loud” in the center floor of the house and then you’ve got some chance of hearing it wherever you are. Or just glance at it when you pass its home. My guess is, if you miss a call for a bit, the world won’t end. If you are expecting a call or are like on call for work or something just take it with you. Other options: get air pods or a smart watch and just wear that. I don’t have either (cuz I’m a proper millennial that will not answer the phone unless absolutely necessary) so I don’t know for sure but I think you can answer calls on those without being right next to phone as long as phone is nearby.

    4. Ginger Pet Lady*

      That’s what pockets are for, mine is usually in my pocket when I’m at home. It’s been a few years, but I have had some struggles with vertigo, so I do like having mine with me as I move around the house.
      But also, you don’t have a land line you carry around with you, do you? Or one in every single room?
      You can do the same with your cell phone if you want.
      Of course, that might mean turning the ringer on… and I know some people are really averse to that.

      1. cutting cords*

        No, but I have an extension for the land line on every floor so I can easily hear it and answer it wherever I am. That’s the part I can’t figure out how to substitute without having to carry this object whenever I move through my house.

        1. Rosyglasses*

          That’s why I have an Apple Watch – I don’t have to lug my phone but if I’m on a walk or away from it working on chores and my husband needs to reach me I can be alerted.

          1. EJ*

            yes this! if you don’t want to carry your phone, a smart watch makes life super easy!

            personally, I view my phone as “for my own convenience” and if I miss a call or just don’t want to answer, I simply don’t worry about it. I can always callback if I must.

        3. fhqwhgads*

          Unfortunately, the reason landlines are on their way out is because 80% of people already carry that object with them as they move throughout their homes (and pretty much everywhere, in general). I get that it’s not the norm for you, but it is the norm. If you need to be able to hear your phone but don’t want to have it on your person at all times at home, cutting this particular cord may not be the right way to go for you.

    5. ThatGirl*

      Our house is not that big but I do not carry my phone with me everywhere because it’s not a big deal if I miss a call. Is it a big deal if you miss one? If I’m going upstairs for hours I might take it, but not if it’s just to shower or whatever.

      1. Sc@rlettNZ*

        This. If I miss a call, so what? If it’s important they can leave a message or call back. The phone is for my convenience – I’m not beholden to jump to answer every time it rings.

        Back in the dark ages, when I had a landline I’d regularly just let it go to answerphone anyway.

      2. Ali G*

        Yeah I have zero FOMO on missing a call. 90% of them are spam anyway.
        My house is 4 levels (basement plus 3 upper floors) and my phone is typically on the first floor as I go about my day.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup. Phones– all phones– are for convenience. If it’s a huge deal to miss a call, then you carry your phone around, but otherwise, people can leave a message. Like it was in olden times when someone called while we were at the store.

        1. Just Another Cog*

          This! After I balked for a long time, we finally got rid of our landline in 2007. I was a kid in the sixties and it was a scary thought not having a landline. My husband pointed out at the time that we screened our calls with the answering machine, anyway, because of the telemarketing calls that came regularly. We can do that with our cellphones and they don’t stop working when the electricity goes out. I’ve also never been a slave to my phone. I leave it on the kitchen table when I’m home and check it periodically for missed calls/messages. If I’m waiting for a call or text, I do take it with me.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Some people carry their phones all the time. Other people don’t answer every call the minute it rings. People can leave a message.

    7. Platypus Queen*

      Also, assuming you are regularly getting calls you want or need to answer, it would seem more practical to get them via cell phone that can be carried with you no matter where you are, rather than via land line where you have to rush to a phone in a fixed location in your house. Possibly this is just me speaking from the perspective of somebody who gave up her landline years ago and has not missed it.

    8. California Dreamin’*

      If I’m expecting a call, I’ll tend to stick my phone in my back pocket as I move around the house. If I’m working at my desk, I always have it next to me, but if I get up to go to the kitchen or laundry room or whatever, I probably just leave it on the desk. Basically I’ll bring it with me to anyplace I’m settling in for a bit. I am, however, fully conditioned to need to look immediately when I hear a text come in, so if I left it in another room and I hear that ding, I go trotting to get it, lol. We did keep our landline active in case of natural disaster (earthquake country), but we don’t answer it anymore. My neighbor gave me some good advice which is that we put an outgoing message on the landline that says this is not an active number and messages will not be checked but here’s how to reach us.

    9. RagingADHD*

      The great thing about cellphones is voicemail. If you miss a call, you’ll get a notification and a message. Many voicemail programs even transcribe it so you don’t even have to call in and play it back, you can just read the message.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I have only ever used voice-to-text for incoming messages. When I got a replacement android phone last year I had to google around a bit to find out how to set it up for a new brand & model of phone. I find it so much quicker and easier than listening to voicemail and sometimes the mis-transcribed words are very entertaining.

    10. Rara Avis*

      We got rid of our land line 3 years ago (despite living in earthquake country) because it was not sensible to pay the monthly cost for a service we weren’t using. I don’t carry my phone around with me because I’ve never adopted the idea that I need to be instantly reachable at all times. (The exception would be if my kid is out somewhere without an adult.) I also don’t carry my cell phone during my work day.

      1. English Rose*

        “I’ve never adopted the idea that I need to be instantly reachable at all times.” This!!

    11. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Unless I’m expecting a call, I leave my phone in the kitchen or downstairs office. If I’ve been either upstairs for a while or outside or in the basement, I’ll check it for messages.

    12. Squidhead*

      Most of the time in my similar house I do carry my phone around…in a pocket, or I put it on the kitchen counter when I’m downstairs, etc. I’m often using it to stream music anyway. I very rarely have the ringer on, though, so the chances that I might miss a call are still pretty high.

      The chances that an unexpected call will be someone I actually want to talk to are almost zero! If I’m expecting a call, I turn the ringer on. Most of my friends/family use texts to set up calls ahead of time. Businesses–car repair, doctors–I’m usually expecting the call. The rest are scams or election-related (these days). I do wear a fitness tracker that vibrates with texts, which makes it easier to leave the phone on silent. It’s an adjustment, but people can leave a voice-mail or you’ll see the name of the missed call-er and you can call them back if you want. Personally, I don’t return calls if there was no voice-mail and I don’t recognize the number…it’s almost always junk.

    13. Ellis Bell*

      My phone is on silent most of the time because I forget to turn on the volume after work, but I don’t miss calls because my smartwatch buzzes on my wrist whenever I’m getting a call. I can also answer the call through my watch if I want to, but I usually wait and return the call when I am back near my phone. There is a distance limit to my watch being able to pick up my phone though it’s usually fine in the same building. I’m pretty sure you can also answer calls through Alexa if you want to have a few of those on different levels.

    14. allathian*

      We live in a two-story house, with the main entrance on the top floor and the bedrooms in the half-basement. Our house is built on a slope and half of the ground floor (utlility room, sauna & main bathroom) are underground. I either carry my phone in my pocket, or mostly just leave it on the kitchen counter or living room table. I’m not worried about missing calls.

    15. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have an Apple Watch (and this is partly why), but my phone generally is in my pocket anyway, or if I run downstairs for a minute and leave it on the living room table I’m not too worried about it.

    16. PsychNurse*

      I think what most people do is miss a lot of calls! Sometimes my cell is in my pocket, sometimes it’s not. If it’s not, then no, I won’t hear a call if I’m on a different floor of the house. But so what! That’s why voicemail was invented, and I can just call them back.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh boy do they ever. I have to return calls at work and easily 60% of the people do not answer when I call. And they requested a call back. sigh.

    17. Nancy*

      Voicemail still exists with cellphones. Just stuck it in the spot the landline used to be. Or if you have a call coming that you don’t want to miss, carry it. It’s not heavy and can fit in a pocket. It’s really not complicated, so no need to overthink it.

    18. Generic+Name*

      I live in a large multistory house and have no landline. When I’m in my basement office during the workday, I have my cell with me for work purposes. Unless I’m expecting an important phone call that I cannot miss, I leave my phone in the kitchen. I can normally hear it throughout the house. My husband normally has his phone in his pocket unless it’s charging.

    19. A313*

      Not sure about how this works, but I think there’s a way to have your cellphone ring to your home phone when you are home? I’ve always meant to look into this, so it’s on my list! I do have a little anxiety at missing phone calls, with elderly relatives, etc. I have, understandably, failed at training people to call the landline first, as I am so often home. But every time I suggest ditching the landline, it goes nowhere (and maybe has something to do with the alarm system, I think, so there’s that). As time has gone on, I find myself giving out my cell number by default, so there are very few legitimate calls on the land line now.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Big name cell company advertises that they do this but they actually don’t.

        I was sold a cell phone and plan by this company. Your calls will roll from your home phone to your cell. Yeah. Okay. I called months later and a different employee said “we don’t offer that service.” I feel a letter to the AG or BBB coming on.

      2. Pennyworth*

        Try a very specific internet search – like ”how to forward cell phone calls from a model X brand Y phone to my house phone with company Z as cell phone provider”

    20. Hiring Mgr*

      I’ll either carry the phone in my hand, or put it in my pants pocket. The funny thing is though, I’ll usually carry it in my left hand, but my right (front) pocket. Now on top of that, I’ve heard the observation that men usually carry the phones in their front pockets, while women typically use the back. So as you can see there are several options

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Because phones will fit in men’s front pockets but will not fit in women’s front pockets. :(

        1. LittleMarshmallow*

          Agreed… it’s cuz our front pockets suck… it’s not a weird male/female quirk.

          I carry mine in my bra sometimes (esp if I’m talking to someone alone at home on speakerphone)… just because it’s convenient.

    21. Buggy Crispino*

      I have a Bluetooth device that outputs to a regular modular phone plug (you can search amazon for Xlink Bluetooth gateway). When I did away with my landline, I found the point where the landline enters the house to attach to my internal wiring and actually disconnected it. I now plug the gateway into any phone jack and when my cell phone connects wirelessly to the gateway, it sends a signal to the house wiring and any standard phone that’s connected to a jack. I collect old telephones, so I actually have a ton of telephones around the house that I can answer and make cell calls with. The reality is that some of those old phones are way more comfortable to have a conversation on since they typically have a curve rather than just a flat surface slapped against your face. You could always add a battery back up device to cover you during short power outages.

    22. Chaordic One*

      Back in the day, I saw a cute little round flip phone that hung like a pendant from a necklace. More recently I’ve seen people hanging their smart phones from lanyards. Maybe something like that?

    23. StatKat*

      I have cordless ‘landline’ phones that have Bluetooth capability. My cell phone is connected to it via Bluetooth so when my cell gets a call the other phones ring and I can answer them. I have one base unit and several handsets throughout the house. Only needs plugged in to a regular outlet.

    24. cat socks*

      I keep my phone with me when I move about the house so I can take pictures and videos of my cats doing cute things.

    25. Combin*

      So you can get bluetooth “landline” handsets that sync to your cell phone. So you can have multiple receivers in the house and answer any one of them. You can even have them make a notification when you get a text message. Then you don’t have to carry around your cell phone

      1. BookMom*

        Yes, I had that in a three story home when we had one cell phone for the family and it was great! Now I have a Fitbit paired to my own phone which buzzes on my wrist when my cell phone rings anywhere in the house. I can’t answer the phone like you can from an Apple Watch, but at least I “hear” it anywhere in the house or yard.

    26. PhyllisB*

      I have considered getting rid of my landline because it’s basically become an answering machine for telemarketers. My husband said no because then that would cut off our internet.
      The repairman was out here last week because of internet issues, and I asked him about it. He said no, we wouldn’t lose our internet, BUT if we dropped our landline and then later had internet issues AT&T would not offer any support or repairs, so…guess we’re keeping our landline.

      1. costello music*

        ???? i’ve never heard of that. Why would they not? If you can, I’d look a little deeper into that cause that seems like BS. Maybe it’s just AT&T but comcast, at least, will come out.

        lmao that is so stupid—on AT&T not you—if that’s true. Like….. that makes no sense. Of course they should be able to come and help repair. The internet has issues and sometimes that requires a repairman.

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          Agreed. I have AT&T now, and have also had Comcast, both Internet only. Haven’t had a land line since high school, nearly 20 years ago. Can’t say I’ve needed a repairman for much either, but it’s happened…once for each company, I think. No problems, except of course having to click through various attempts to upsell every time I change plans / move / etc.

      2. ThatGirl*

        What? That makes no sense unless you have dialup internet. If AT&T supplies your internet they’re obligated to service it.

    27. Ed123*

      I haven’t really seen a landline in about 10 years. Either carry your phone, place it somewhere in the middle where you can hear it. Ot leave it be and if you miss a call just call back.

    28. bratschegirl*

      I hear you, @cutting cords; I always seem to be where my phone is not. Sometimes that’s because what I’m wearing has vestigial or no pockets, and other times it’s because I’m a dinosaur and still don’t think of my cell as my primary phone, even though the only calls that ever come through on the landline are scams and political fundraisers. Pockets or a belt clip are the best solution IMO.

      We still have a true copper landline got emergency purposes because earthquakes and Public Safety Power Shutoffs (the charming name for when PG&E turns off power to huge areas when there’s wind blowing so their antiquated, un-maintained equipment won’t burn down more of the state than they already have). AT&T is trying like heck to eliminate actual copper landlines here in CA, but so far they haven’t been allowed to. And as in the champagne/sparkling wine debate, if you have VOIP, you may have a home phone, but you don’t have a landline.

    29. Quinalla*

      We still have one basically to give to the bank, etc. so we don’t have to deal with the marketing calls, but it is VOIP like most people said so it really is no help in a power outage.

      When I had kids I started carrying my phone with my all the time. I didn’t like it, but you do get used to it, now it feels weird to not carry it with me all the time. If you don’t always have pockets, you can either carry it in your hand at set down next to you or get some kind of carrier. Or just carry it with you when you are expecting a phone call, voice mail is there for a reason :)

    30. OneTwoThree*

      I have two suggestions here.

      1) I have a smartwatch. When my phone gets a call, receive a text message, alarm notifications, etc. I get an alert on my watch. I regularly leave my phone in one room charging while walking all around my house (multiple levels). I can also control what types of apps send me alerts. I have a simple smartwatch, so I have to go to my phone to answer/ respond/ clear the alert. However, I miss a lot less information without feeling attached to my phone.

      2) My parents have bluetooth handset phones that connect to their cell phones. They look and function like cordless landline phones. They have 3 handsets throughout the house. When their cell phone receives a call, they ring. When their cell phone gets a text, the handsets announce that a text message has been received. If they pick up the handset, they can make a call using their cell phone plan. They have a set similar to Panasonic – KX-TGD863A.

  4. Aphrodite*

    For our friends across the pond, I have some questions that came up for me given how dominant the news of Queen Elizabeth and the other royals has been. These are mere curiosity on my part but I don’t know the answers and all the side drama, including the stories about Andrew trying to get Charles removed as king, made me wonder:

    When she was alive, could the queen have removed Charles from the line of succession? If so, would she need the permission of Parliament or anyone else? Would she have to have a valid reason or could it be just because she wanted to do so? If she did remove him, would William be automatically be next in line or could she appoint, say Princess Anne or even Prince Andrew? Would their families then become the “line” and take over from William’s line?

    1. Educator*

      Parliament controls the succession per the Act of Settlement. In the 1600s, they bucked the traditional succession and brought in William and Mary of Orange. They also eliminated the whole male primogeniture thing for the George/Charlotte/Louis generation in 2013. So my understanding is that King Charles could remove himself, Parliament could remove William as his successor without input from Charles, but Charles could not remove William without Parliament’s involvement.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        In general, in the British system, you can’t disinherit someone from a hereditary title. So you could completely hate your eldest child and think they would be an absolutely terrible Duke, and kick them out of your home while you live and refuse to speak to them, but you could not prevent them from inheriting the title (short of murdering them, which would cause other problems), and you couldn’t move the title to a different child. My understanding is that if someone gives up the title, it then goes to their next heir, so you can’t get around it that way.

        It’s similar with entailed property – you owned he property while you were alive, but it would be inherited according to strict rules – you couldn’t sell it, or leave it to someone else (this is a major part of the plot in Pride and Prejudice, as Mr Bennet’s property goes to a distant cousin at his death, as he doesn’t have a son.)

      2. Madame Arcati*

        Yeah, as monarch you can say, I don’t wanna, but you can’t say who gets to be next, there would have to be parliamentary shenanigans to get that agreed.
        So when Her Late Maj’s uncle, Edward 8, abdicated (because they wouldn’t let him marry Mrs Simpson (gosh the British establishment getting all sniffy about an American divorcee marrying royalty, couldn’t happen now of course…)) it was by default in favour of the next in line, his brother George (6). He wouldn’t have had much influence, if any, in the succession after he’d thrown the (purple, gold embroidered, diamond studded) towel in.

        On a similar note when Princess Diana was still alive but separated from and messily/publicly falling out with Charles, there was speculation along the lines of, can she ever be queen? A bbc constitutional expert or similar pointed out that, without some sort of new act of parliament, she had to be, because the wife of the king is the queen, automatically, there isn’t an alternative.

        1. Venus*

          Although Edward 8’s fondness for the Nazis ended up making that abdication for the best. Some weird rules hurt us, and some become very beneficial in hindsight.

    2. English Rose*

      I wouldn’t give any weight to these stories (which I’ve just had to google) about what Andrew may or may not have done in the past. He’s forfeited any right to have opinions or influence on the royal family.
      On your question about succession, I believe Educator is correct, removal of King Charles, or of William as his heir, would have to be by Act of Parliament, although the King could abdicate of course.
      But unless either of them went completely off the rails, there would be no reason. Charles has been groomed to be king all his life, famously the longest king in waiting we’ve ever had. William seems to be following nicely in his father and grandmother’s footsteps.
      Be interesting for us as Brits though to see whether the late Queen’s death gives impetus to the republican movement, which has never managed to make much headway here.
      I’m in two minds about this. Logically our head of state should be elected, but the thought of a President Boris or similar fills me with dread, and it’s entirely likely given how credulous my countrypeople seem to be by and large – believing all the Brexit lies they were fed, for example.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        Wish someone would tell that to that Simon Dorante-Day bloke who keeps insisting he’s Charles and Camilla’s secret son (born five years before they’re supposed to have met) and was going on about what a kick in the teeth it was when William was named Prince of Wales. Does he not realise that even in the event that he could prove his claim, which I personally don’t believe, as Charles and Camilla weren’t married at the time of his birth making him illegitimate, he couldn’t inherit without an Act of Parliament legitimising him (which I doubt anyone other than him would have any interest in pursuing that)?

        I’m not giving any weight to the stories about Andrew plotting with Diana to get Charles out of the way so he could be regent for William. He’d surely have to have known that there was a good chance (as actually happened in the end) that the Queen would survive until William reached adulthood rendering a regent unnecessary.

        1. londonedit*

          Blimey. Where are all these stories being reported? The Daily Express? I haven’t seen any of them and hadn’t heard about any sort of secret plot by Andrew (who, let’s face it, can eff off).

    3. WS*

      The Queen could have asked Parliament to remove Charles from the line of succession, and they could have done it (they could also have done it regardless of her wishes), plus if Charles converted to Catholicism he would be automatically disqualified. Andrew has absolutely no power or influence in these matters (though, interestingly, Princess Beatrice now does, by virtue of her appointment as a Counsellor of State). If Charles abdicated, the throne can only go to William then George then Charlotte then Louis before it goes back to Harry then Archie then Lilibet and only then would it go back to Andrew.

        1. Bagpuss*

          Andrew is also a Councillor of State as it’s the 1st 4 adults in line for the throne, so currently William, Harry, Andrew & Beatrice.

          1. Despachito*

            What about Princess Anne? She is older than Andrew, isn’t she?

            My little feminist heart is filled with joy that they abolished the nonsense of exclusively male heirs, and that Charlotte precedes little Louis. Perhaps this was not valid yet for Anne in her times? She would make a wonderful queen, better than Andrew.

            1. Ina+Lummick*

              the change from Male primogeniture applies to children born after the law was created (in case Kate + Williams first born was a girl), so Anne remains in line to the throne after Edward’s children (currently 16th in line)

            2. Pennyworth*

              The male primogeniture law was changed well after Anne, and only once Charles has agreed. A great pity as Anne is worth a hundred Andrews, but I think the respect she has earned as the hardest working Royal certainly paved the way for the law change.

  5. Mitchell Hundred*

    I’m almost done reading “The Secret Life of Dr. James Barry” by Rachel Holmes. It’s a biography from about fifteen years ago of a Victorian-era surgeon who was well-respected in his field and generally recognized as a pioneer of modern public health. He was also assigned female at birth and is regarded by many people today as a transgender man (or the Victorian equivalent). It’s a bit frustrating to read about him, because he was understandably very guarded about his inner life, but she still manages to flesh out the story and make it interesting by talking about the era’s social and gender norms.

    2. Despachito*

      I had no knowledge about him, I had to google him up… and it was fascinating.

      There were also several other stories of women either dressing up as men for economic/carreer reasons, or because they were transgender. I admire their bravery and determination, I cannot even remotely imagine how difficult it was to live as a soldier among men and be able to never reveal your physical condition, and to have to dissimulate for your entire life.

      I often think how lucky I am for being born in a period when women are not considered feeble beings unable of any intellectual strain anymore, and of all those who paved us the way at the cost of their own wellbeing. There is still a lot to be desired, of course, but thinking of being stranded in a Victorian society with a Victorian mindset, or back in Joan of Arc’s times when it was a crime for a woman to dress in men’s attire makes me count my blessings.

    3. Jamie Starr*

      You may (or may not) be interested in “Herculine Barbin: Being the Recently Discovered Memoirs of a Nineteenth-Century French Hermaphrodite.”

      Herculine was designated female at birth, but eventually was reclassified as a man. In the late 1970s/early 1980s Michel Foucault discovered Herculine’s memoirs in the archives of France’s Department of Public Hygiene and had them published, along with his introductory essay. Warning: there are very graphic medical descriptions of Herculine’s body before and after her death.

    4. marvin*

      I should check this out! I have an interest in gender diverse people from history. I wasn’t aware of James Barry, so thanks!

  6. marvin*

    I’m looking for closet organizing advice. My apartment has a couple of pretty big closets but I’m not using up the space well. They’re very wide but only have one shelf high up so there is no built in way to stack or organize stuff.

    Does anyone know of a method to create my own shelf/organizing space? The apartment is a rental so I can’t install anything permanent, and I also don’t want to spend too much if possible because I only expect to be able to use this here.

    1. Organizing Fun*

      1. Those hanging shelves that are made of cloth sold at Walmart, Target, etc.
      2. I’ve even put a bookcase with deeper shelves in my closet before and then used organizing bins for underwear, socks, t-shirts, etc.

    2. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      How about one of the canvas hanging organizers that have several parts and hang off the closet bar? They can’t hold heavy stuff but they work well for clothes, etc.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        Seconding those hanging shelves from Target. I bought one made for shoes, so it is very narrow, and I have it inside my front closet. It’s perfect for storing gloves, hats, tissues, insect repellent, etc. It was about $10, and is not very wide (but it is deep), so it doesn’t take up a bunch of space.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      My daughter gave me some old bookshelves that are one foot wide and one foot deep and six feet tall that I laid on their sides on the closet shelf. It gives me an extra shelf on top and I laid another on the floor for my shoes that also makes a handy place to step on so I can reach higher.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      An easy approach is to find a set of shelves or a dresser that fits inside the closet. You could have shelves on one side, and the other for hanging longer items. It’s going to be hidden by the closet doors, so you can go cheap – even a set of metal utility shelves with boxes on them.

    6. Red Sky*

      There are a lot of ideas if you try searching ‘diy closet organizer’. If the space is big enough, just adding a dresser and tall bookcase that you can attach closet rods to will make a huge difference.

      Also, your landlord would probably be okay with you adding a permanent closet organizing system as long as you check with them in advance and get permission. You could even ask if they’ll split the cost of materials. Not saying they’ll go for it, but if they’re reasonable, this isn’t a big deal to ask for, and will improve the value of the property (source: am a landlord)

      If you’re in the US, you can find good deals on both new and used dressers, bookcases, and closet organizers (and their various parts) on craigslist, nextdoor, facebook marketplace and local thriftstores

    7. fposte*

      In addition to other suggestions, I use wooden folding bookshelves from Target, Walmart, whatever. They’re easy to move and repurpose and they’re low enough that I can hang stuff from a rail overhead still.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’m a sucker for those modular organizer things that you can get at Container Store, Target, Ikea, etc. (in varying price ranges and quality levels). There are stacking drawers, stacking shelves, stacking cubes, etc. Since they are modular, I generally find that they are transferrable to different locations and purposes whenever I move.

    9. Angstrom*

      I’ve seen carts with wire basket “drawers” — maybe park one of those in the closet?

    11. Cimorene*

      Similar to other suggestions I have used super affordable cube shelving units. The kind you can buy from target that you can get in two, four, six or eight cube units. And then you can use the fabric cube inserts as desired for additional organization.

    12. SofiaDeo*

      I am looking at purchasing metal, free standing “portable closet” things than I plan to use as plant stands eventually (so metal not MDF, water runoff from plants won’t cause damage). I am looking on Amazon but I am sure other stores carry such things. Easy to put up, no tools needed, shelves are adjustable. Handing rods can be removed easily and aren’t required. Some come with fabric storage cubes, or you can just buy your own if you want more drawers than hanging things. A second set of hands makes these pretty quick & easy, it’s possible to assemble them yourself but takes longer & is trickier.

    13. marvin*

      Thanks for the advice everyone! I should have mentioned that I don’t have rods in the closets and I’m ideally trying to find something that will be a minimal hassle to move and hopefully repurpose. The joys of my local rental market mean that I may not be able to stay here long and will probably have to downsize a lot next time I move. Some of the foldable/modular options people have suggested could be promising.

      1. LittleMarshmallow*

        I have wire cube shelves. You can assemble them in the closet so you can fill the whole space pretty well plus they’re modular so if you need to shape then differently you can sort of build them around things. You can put stuff directly in them or get those cube storage bins. Plus if you move then disassemble quickly and just sort of stack up into a pile of wire squares then just put in a box or wrap them with tape. Throw the connectors in a bag and figure out where they’ll be useful in your next place! I had way too many in my apartment and ended up giving a set or two to a friend when i moved so they’re still getting used even though I’m not the one using them. I still have a small set in my closet that I use for my many shirts because it’s more space efficient than hanging them.

    14. Junior Dev*

      I got some boxes from The Container Store because they allow you to filter their offerings by each dimension’s size, which allowed me to get ones that fit perfectly on the shelves I had.

      I now have a small shelf in the closet and each category of clothes gets its own bin. Tank tops and underwear are folded in thirds and then rolled, which leaves them the right length to stack in the bins. Socks are paired together (unmatched socks go somewhere else and I check for matches whenever I put laundry away). Everything else is folded in a way that allows it to fit neatly in the size of bin I have designated for it.

      If I start to have a bin overflow often I either need to get a bigger one for that category or get rid of the clothes I don’t wear often (if they’re still perfectly good I might put them in storage, otherwise give them away if I don’t like them and throw them away if they have damage).

    15. neurodivergent office queen*

      i follow an adhd-friendly interior design account on Instagram, and she actually suggests not storing clothes in your closet at all. some of us prefer open storage whenever possible to avoid forgetting about things, and benefit more from having different spaces for different purposes. for that she suggests buying a clothing rack and cubby organizer without the drawer, and using the closet space as an office. i understand that this won’t be for everyone, but personally, it’s my eventual goal. best of luck!

      1. IT Manager*

        I took the doors off my closet and put shelves on one side and it’s life changing. I’m never going back to closed storage again!!!! Seeing everything makes me a) keep it tidy b) know what I have before I go buying accidental replacements

        I’ve also gone to mostly open storage in my kitchen too, which looks kinda weird not to have cabinets but works for me.

        1. LittleMarshmallow*

          Oh my goodness… the accidental replacements is out of control in my house… Unfortunately open storage stresses me out because it feels like it’s cluttered (don’t get me wrong… I’m not tidy by any means) but when everything is put away I really struggle to remember what I have.

    16. Pennyworth*

      My SIL lives a house with large closets similar to yours. She measured the space and searched online for sets of drawers that would fit neatly and give the storage she wanted. She now has lots of drawers that look as though they were built in, but actually can just be lifted out and taken with her if she moves house.

    17. DannyG*

      Amazon has a pretty decent selection of different storage systems. Some closed, some open. I have a nice shoe rack that I use in the hall closet as I come in, bamboo, holds 9 pairs. Another cube system in the bedroom for general storage.The big box hardware stores have similar items, as does IKEA. And, they can be disassembled & taken with you.

    18. jleebeane*

      I’m a bit late to the party, but hopefully you’ll see this! There’s a military-spouse blogger out there who focuses specifically on rental-friendly decoration and organizing: https://thehomesihavemade.com/

      She sometimes pushes the boundaries of what I’d consider removable/temporary/rental-friendly, but you might get some good ideas.

  7. Rebecca*

    Fashion help please!

    I’m attending a wedding later this fall and it’s cocktail dress code. It’s a pretty fancy venue and I know the bride/groom and fam tend to be fairly fashionable, so I’d err on the side of more dressy cocktail. I’ve scoured the typical sites (e.g. Nordstrom, Macys) and I feel bleh about everything. Are there any brands you know of that make cocktail dresses that are “fun” either because they come in interesting prints or include details like embroidery or mixed media? I’d like something that is a classy statement dress. I feel like Anthropologie used to make dresses like this back in the day. I’m willing to spend a bit more for better materials/craftsmanship. Thanks folks!!

      1. Panda Bandit*

        Seconding this. I had a great experience with them when I needed a dress for my brother’s black-tie optional wedding.

          1. Rebecca*

            Thanks for this rec folks! I was worried about Rent the Runway my friend received a dress with a broken zipper and stain but it was obviously too late to return and get a new one. Sounds like others had positive experiences so I’ll look more into it.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I attended a wedding where guests were encouraged to dress in 1920s styles. I found great options on Etsy. You can plug in a particular theme and keywords and locate specific styles. I found a dress, hat, and jewelry that were affordable and comfortable, and I got lots of compliments on my outfit.

    3. CTT*

      I’ve gotten some great dresses for weddings at Boden and they love a pattern at that store.

      Also, if you’re willing to really spend some time, you can find interesting/well-made stuff on ASOS. They carry SO much for so many occasions that it does involve a lot of searching, but two of my all-time favorite event dresses that I have gotten a lot of wear out of are from there.

      1. Rebecca*

        Awesome, thanks! I never tried ASOS because I didn’t know what the quality would be like. I’ll give it a whirl!

    4. Jay*

      I like Adriana Papell – interesting embroidery and lovely cuts, not so much prints. Nordstrom carries some of her things and I’ve done better on her website directly.

      Second the recommendation for ASOS. Also take a look at eShakti – they have a wide variety of things – and maybe Modcloth?

      1. SanPellegrino*

        Thirding Adrianna Papell – I got a lace dress that I wore as a more casual wedding dress to my rescheduled wedding reception and I get so many compliments on it.

    7. Masked Bandit*

      The dress I have that would fit this bill is Kate Spade. If you can find an outlet, they’re generally not more expensive than your typical dress at Nordstrom.

    9. Lifeandlimb*

      I’ve had luck with Revolve Clothing (online retailer) and Poshmark (peer-to-peer secondhand selling, lots of designer stuff on there).

    10. Chaordic One*

      If you really can’t find a dress that you really like, follow WoodswomanWrites’ advice and dress up a “meh” dress with with a hat and jewelry. Also consider jackets, sweaters, wraps such as shawls, and also scarves.

    11. BalanceofThemis*

      I bought a couple great cocktail dresses for a wedding at Dillards.

      Modcloth is a good source for fun clothes, but they don’t always run true to size. Read reviews and leave enough time to either return for a different size or get the purchase tailored.

    13. LittleMarshmallow*

      I’m heavier so I do a lot of my dress shopping at Torrid. They do go down to like a size 10 though so depending on your size maybe still an option. They usually have unique dresses and also usually have pockets! Ive occasionally found fun dresses at Old Navy too… which is weird. If I were skinny… I’d love to shop at Anthropologie! Also recommend checking out small boutiques in your area. If you’re “normal sized” they often have really fun and unique clothing!

  8. Free Meerkats*

    Audiobooks.

    What are your preferences?

    Abridged vs unabridged?

    Fully, partially, or un voiced?

    Solo or cast narration?

    1. Person from the Resume*

      Always unabridged. Don’t want to miss anything. Honestly I haven’t really run across abridged since the days of books on CD. The books I borrow from my library are always unabridged. *

      Books are usually solo or maybe two narrators in books with two POV. I think a cast is much closer to an audio drama which I don’t dislike but not what I’m expecting from an audiobook.

      I’m not sure what you mean by voiced but basically someone reads a book to me.

      * Although I did listen to John Barry’s The Great Influenza a long time ago, and it was 20ish hours and way too damn long. I’d call that an editing problem with the book, but that could have been okay abridged.

      I think long and hard before starting any audiobook longer than 12-13 hours, but sometimes I do and it’s worth it.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Fully voiced – every character is read in a distinct voice.

        Partially voiced – usually only one character is read in a distinct voice, all the others are read flat.

        Unvoiced – the book is just read aloud.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          Hmmm … I have no preference. I “think” that most of the books are partially voiced in that the audiobook narrator makes a bit of an effort, but doesn’t overdo it. Since we’re talking about audiobooks as long as the book is well written there shouldn’t be any confusion about who’s speaking so it’s not necessary. But I do recall some books with characters stated to have accents or something unusual in their speech pattern that the narrator inserts into their speech.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Definitely unabridged. Generally I don’t feel like I need multiple actors but my favorite performance I’ve listened to was “They Both Die At The End” which had two narrators for the two protagonists, plus a third one (Bahni Turpin, who is my favorite audiobook narrator because apparently I have one of those now lol) for the third-person interludes.

      The full cast audiobook of Daisy Jones and the Six was fun because it made it feel more like a real oral history of an existing band, but there was a “bonus track” that was supposedly one of the songs from the story and ended up being an extremely bad and repetitive instrumental which was a letdown!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oh, yes, THEY BOTH DIE AT THE END was awesome! (And tear-inducing, but also awesome.) Lovely narration too.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Usually audiobooks feel like, well, just someone reading the book out loud, but the actors did such a great job really bringing personality to the characters. There were parts where one of them would be recounting dialogue of the other and it was just so sweet? Like you had such a strong sense of their relationship from how they talked about each other, in a way I don’t think you’d get from reading the words yourself.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I’m not a big audiobook listener, but when I do, I just want it read as straight as possible.

      Dramatized audiobooks fall in this uncanny valley for me. The acting and use of dialogue and narration are never as fully realized as an actual radio play, but it’s just “actor-y” enough to be distracting.

      Dramatization is interpretation. If I’m going to read a book, I want to interpret it for myself.

      1. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        yup, I want the voiced reading to be as close to neutral as possible otherwise it’s really distracting

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m not much of an audiobook because of auditory processing issues, so usually I only go for favorite books that I’ve read a thousand times and treat them more as background noise. But for me a big exception was Stephen Fry’s Greek mythology series, Mythos/Heroes/Troy, and I’m listening to those (a little at a time) because he narrates them himself and wrote them knowing he would do, so they’re written in a very conversational style that works well. Sometimes I read memoirs from folks who talk for a living and I think those might present a little better in audio as well – Trevor Noah’s felt that way to me, it read weird but i think it would have listened better.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I have similar issues. I can only focus on an audio book or podcast if I’m lying on the couch, preferably with my eyes closed. The only audio book I’ve ever listened to in full was King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, narrated by Sean Bean, because I really enjoy listening to him.

        When I had iritis a few weeks ago and was banned from using screens more than absolutely necessary, and even reading a printed book was difficult, I finally succumbed to listening to podcasts to keep myself entertained. It worked, but only because I had no other choice. I can’t listen to a podcast if I’m working out or doing chores, even something as repetitive as folding laundry, because my mind wanders if it has any excuse at all to do so. I never have that problem if I’m reading.

        I’m glad audio books and podcasts exist for people who enjoy them. They’re great for people with dyslexia who would find it more difficult to get access to information or entertainment without them. But for me, nothing will ever replace reading and I’ll never accept that reading and listening to an audio book are equivalent. Even if it’s just straight reading, you’re consuming another person’s interpretation of the text rather than making a completely fresh interpretation. Obviously this is compounded if you have several narrators, or if it’s more or less an audio drama. Please note, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying audio dramas, but it’s not the same as reading.

    5. Asenath*

      Always unabridged. That is just an extension of my life-long dislike of abridged non-audio books, dating back to my childhood when I thought children’s editions were a bit if a cheat because they left things out, like Reader’s Digest Condensed Books did. Back in the day a LOT of people had those, so of course I tried reading them. I like fully voiced narration, especially with a good narrator who does it well. I make an exception for things like historical biographies, in which I prefer an unvoiced narration. And I usually don’t like a cast narration, unless I’m listening to something like an adaptation intended as a radio play or something, and even then I’ll often prefer an unabridged version.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Excellent cast narration: His Dark Materials series by Philip Pullman.

      I tend to prefer unabridged–but one of our first audiobooks for a long drive was an abridged DaVinci Code and that was fun.

      Two series–The Famous Five and Patrick O’Brian’s Jack Aubry novels–I love with one narrator and hated with the second. The guy was trying to make a rip-roaring tale of adventure at sea into a pedantic reading of Shakespeare.

      When my children were young we had audiobooks of Winnie the Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner read by Charles Kurault, which shall forever be the correct voice for reading those.

    7. Jay*

      Always unabridged. Generally solo narration although I have enjoyed a couple of books with one reader for each of two narrators. Not sure what you mean by “fully, partially, or un-voiced.” I have definite preferences for narrators. I find some voices irritating or distracting. For example, I enjoy Sarah Vowell’s books and dislike her voice. I no longer try to listen to them.

      I’m a USer and I love listening to British narrators. I enjoy this so much I’ve sought out British authors on audiobooks and then looked for others read by the narrators I like. I have listened to a couple of books read by “big name” actors; the best for me is Wil Wheaton reading John Scalzi. Other than that I’m not a fan – reading an audiobook is a different skill than acting and not all actors are good at it.

    8. KarenK*

      Unabridged always.

      For fiction, I like the narrator to either do the voices, or have multiple readers. Jim Dale, who reads my versions of the Harry Potter books, is a master at the voices. Martin Freeman also does an excellent job on the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books.

      For memoirs and autobiographies, I like the author to read, if possible, but it’s not a dealbreaker. For example, George Carlin’s brother reads his autobiography, and Johnny Depp reads Keith Richards’.

      1. Jay*

        I generally agree about memoirs – except for Billie Jean King. The book was great. Her narration was, at times, distracting.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Toni Morrison was/is great reading her own books. Pretty sure she’s narrated the audiobook for almost all of her novels.

        But, yeah, audiobook narration is a skill and not all authors have the skills.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I love audiobooks!

      Unabridged – strong preference, though once in a while I’ve stumbled across an abridged version that isn’t too bad. (When the abridgment means a subset of stories in an anthology, but the stories that are included are complete, I don’t mind as much.)

      Some of my favorite narrators do different voices so well that I appreciate their work even more; it’s especially helpful in long conversational passages that don’t have any other indicators as to who’s talking. Some narrators aren’t as good at that, and with those I prefer a more straightforward reading – better to have no accents or falsetto than bad accents/falsetto!

      Solo vs. cast: I’ve enjoyed both, though most of my audiobooks have solo (or at most 2 or 3) narrators. That said, the full-cast version of GOOD OMENS was a lot of fun – even if I still prefer the original!

      FWIW, my current favorite narrators include Simon Vance, Christian Coulson, and Michael Crouch – they’re in my short list of narrators whose work I’ll choose almost regardless of content, just so I can listen to them!

    10. Person from the Resume*

      My other thing about audiobooks is that I’m somewhat selective about what I listen to. For example, I don’t listen to sci fi with complex world building. If it’s a book with a complex plot or huge cast, I prefer being able to flip back to check things, figure out who’s who.

      Something that frustrates me in audiobooks if if the timeline is important is that I can’t flip back so when the last date time was mentioned because I don’t hold the details of the date/time in my head.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        I listen to audiobooks, mostly from the library and occasionally check out the regular book(both digitally) so I can flip through the ebook for things like that, or to know how character’s names are spelled.

        I don’t have a strong preference for full cast vs dramatic vs. non. Mostly, I want the narrator(s) to not be grating or annoying or monotone, and I like variety.

        I listen to fiction and nonfiction. I was about to say nonfiction doesn’t need dramatization and then remembered I’ve listened to a couple that had some. The best example is Dreams of my Father by Barack Obama. Regardless of politics, I picked it up when he was president because I wanted to know more about him. He does impressions when talking about his family members. I found this especially amusing coming from the president.

        Another book that does is The Nineties by Chuck Klosterman. He does voices for people like Ross Perot when talking about them and there’s a different petson who reads the chapter titles and sidebars which makes it more engaging and useful to have audio cues.

        Graceling by Kristin Cashore was one of the most epic/dramatic full cast recordings I’ve listened to. They even had a bit of fanfare music at the beginning of each chapter, and then an epic voice would say “Chapter X”. It was a bit overkill but I was amused by it, too.

  9. thewriterbean*

    What are your favourite herbs to grow? Or other easy-for-beginners plants?

    I’m in the process of creating some herb gardens here at my new place and it’s the first time I’ve ever had to create herb gardens from scratch. I’m also pretty bad at high maintenance plants, so anything that can add some life to the backyard without me having to do heaps would be awesome!

    For context, I’m in Australia — it’s going into spring at the moment, although it’s currently pouring this weekend.

    1. Missb*

      I’d recommend that you consider planting herbs that you already use. I use thyme, parsley and rosemary a lot in cooking.

      I find that if I grow what I’ll use, then I’m a bit more invested to keeping things alive long enough for me to harvest and use them.

      Of course you can buy little pots of herbs and transplant them. That’s probably the easiest way to start. Rosemary grows quickly so even if you buy a small plant, it’ll get big in no time at all. I planted a small pot of rosemary this spring and it’s already about 2 feet tall, and that’s with very little water this year.

      I did some winter sowing this past winter (involves using a plastic milk carton full of soil and some seeds, out in the elements after the winter solstice.) I threw some rosemary and thyme seeds out there. I have even more of each plant now so that I can plant them out and take out some other things that I don’t need to be growing.

      I dry rosemary and thyme inside by tying twine around them and creating small bundles, and hang them up to dry inside.

      Also consider a culinary bay. I put mine in a very large pot and let it grow. Each spring I harvest some of the new leaves and use a needle/thread to string them like a necklace, hanging them to dry. The plant makes a nice centerpiece in an herb garden, and keeping it in a large pot keeps it from getting too big.

    2. RagingADHD*

      It really depends on your climate and the type of space you have, or the area of your garden where you plant it. Any herb is easy in the right spot and impossible in the wrong spot.

      I can grow rosemary and lavender beautifully on the uphill side of my garden, but not the downhill side, even though they get the exact same amount of sun. It’s just enough difference in moisture / drainage. Mint and lemon balm flourish along one side of the house where they only get a couple of hours of sun, but won’t grow along the other side that’s got too much sun.

      If you want low-maintenance, do a site assessment for the conditions in different parts of the property (hours of sun, direct/indirect, soil moisture, soil composition – loamy, sandy, clay?)

      Then look over the needs of the plants you’re interested in, to see where they want to go.

    3. The Jobless Wonder*

      Basil is hard to kill and comes in lots of varieties. It’s also great if you want to keep it outside in a container in the warmer months and bring it inside during the cooler ones — there’s just nothing like fresh basil-year round. Pinch off the flowers as they begin to develop to encourage the plant to produce more leaves.

      The suggestion for mint is good too, but keep it contained somehow because it can take over a garden. I know someone who kept it in a raised bed, and it spread within the bed but not to the rest of the yard.

      Chive patches are the gifts that keep on giving. Plant some and they should come back year after year. Chive blossoms also make a nice addition to a dish, esthetically speaking.

      1. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

        Came to say chives too! Bees also love the flowers, so we just leave them on the plant until they dry out in mid summer, and then again around now in fall.

        And yes, contain your mint! We pulled us 5 years ago from our balcony containers, yet every spring another few stalks still find their way up. Only the chives can fight back!

        1. Wink the Book*

          +1 to all these. My container herb garden consists of mint, chives, basil, and green onions. Alliums are tough as heck and tasty.

    4. TabbyCats*

      So, I grow some basic culinary herbs here in Canada – you may need to tweak advice on conditions and care, but if you can find a gardening group (uni extension sites, Facebook, seed savers clubs, plant clubs ie lily growers – there’s something out there) that will be good support. You are probably more likely to have trouble with something getting out of control than we are here in -40 country. I don’t know if you start your own – some are easy, some are quite hard, some are just frustrating (like, you start 20 and 19 die…) so I’ll leave that alone. The more common herbs like basil, sage, and thyme also come with a lot of colour and flavour/scent variations. I don’t usually have anything that needs much fuss unless I’m trying to start it or overwinter it; growing season I’ll water and basic maintenance/bug control but I don’t have time for much else!!

      Some herbs here will overwinter with some luck – lavender, thyme, oregano. You wouldn’t likely have trouble with these, though thyme and oregano do tend to bolt in heat. Depending on where you are, that might not be a huge issue. Lavender I don’t use a lot, but it’s such a lovely plant and pollinator friendly that I like having it. Thyme is also a bee magnet, so I usually let some bloom for them and keep some trimmed back for me.

      Sage and rosemary will grow as perennials where they don’t have to worry about winter freeze, and I love them as they are very very unfussy and good with hotter weather as long as they have water. Basil I also like as both cooking and just to have around with it’s wonderful smell, it definitely likes cooler/shade and if you had a low-light space that would be my choice. It’s an easy grower from seed if you need/want smaller plants, it will bolt and wilt in heat. My biggest issues have usually been with wilting; fusarium has been a problem so if you can source resistant plants I would. I adore Lemon Verbena, though it’s an annual here, for it’s *intense* lemon smell and taste (fresh and dried). Lemongrass is also good and both pretty low maintenance.

      I also “grow” – by which I mean mostly pull them out when they’ve seeded where I don’t want them – dill, coriander/cilantro, chives. I have spearmint and regular mint in containers as they are more enthusiastic than I can handle. These days I prefer Mojito mint as it seems best at holding the mint flavour when adding the leaves to water; others tend to a grassy taste.

    5. Quandong*

      It depends a lot on your climate and how much daily sun your garden will get.

      I’m in subtropical Queensland and have a lot of sun where my herbs grow.

      My suggestion would be to take some walks around your neighbourhood and check out what other people are growing, and try the herbs that you see in multiple gardens, and that you like.

      If you have time to maintain plants in pots, it’s easier to move them if they need more or less sun to do well.

      If you have enough sunlight I’d start with Mediterranean herbs that are easily found like rosemary, thyme, oregano, sage, lavender. For the moisture-loving herbs, common mint, Vietnamese mint, sawtooth coriander. I would add a few kinds of basil (African blue basil is great for pollinators), continental parsley, pineapple sage, nasturtium, perhaps winter tarragon.

      You might like to make a herb spiral if you have space for one.

      There are a lot of online suppliers around who will send plants in the post if you can’t find what you want in a nursery near you.

      Good luck! I hope it’s a lot of fun!

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      Seconding the advice to grow what you use. Also, besides what others have mentioned, I like to regrow green onions. If you buy them, just cut away the roots with ~1.5 cm of white, and then put those bits out in the garden (or in a pot) – they’ll make greens again.

    7. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

      I’m in NSW and I honestly can’t keep mint alive. Chives are great. “Grow what you use” is the best advice – I grow a lot of little lettuces/ salad leaves and it’s great to be able to cut a fistful of leaves for a sandwich or tiny side salad w/o having to buy fresh leaves from the supermarket. Tomatoes I’ve found relatively easy and VERY EXCITING (like, omg a FREE TOMATO just spontaneously manifested in my garden!!!).

      A thing I found hard to figure out when I was a new herb grower was when I had enough parsley (eg) to cut some – I kept waiting till there was loads in case I killed it all by taking too much and ended up not using it. This sounds really stupid/obvious, but it grows back! Herbs seem to like being used as long as you don’t take all their leaves in one go.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I grow flat leaf parsley and always let one plant go to seed so there is always some parsley somewhere in my garden. I like to have rosemary as a hedge, I have a tall growing variety that flowers well, which bees love. Fresh thyme is lovely and will grow in dry areas.

    8. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I prefer to prioritise space in the veggie garden for herbs that are either hard to reliably find at the shops, or that I only use in smaller quantities than the usual bunch size. Tarragon and lemon verbena I love and seldom find. Sage, rosemary, thyme and dill I only use a little at a time so I prefer to pick what I need rather than throw out most of a bought bunch.

      Although I use a lot of coriander and basil when I cook, I’ve never found them worth growing where I am. I’m in Aus too (subtropics) and 9 months of the year it’s just too bloody hot – they will bolt almost instantly, shooting upright to flower and the few leaves left are either bitter or flavourless. I’d have to plant so many of them, and be so careful about timing progressive sowings to get enough during the tiny window when they’re still good that it’s just much easier to buy a fresh bunch when I need it.

      When planting, I keep my perennial herbs in pots separate from my seasonal herbs in the garden beds. The tough mediterranean herbs prefer less water and like full sun, so terracotta pots help evaporate excess moisture and can be moved around as the sun changes position throughout the year. The seasonal tender greens need regular water and may need light shade during the hotter periods, so that’s easier to manage in the ground with mulching and stakes for shadecloth. Also, when I’m digging over my garden bed at the end of the season I don’t want to be digging around perennials and disturbing their roots, so that’s another thing to bear in mind.

      Nasturtium is another low maintenance one you could try if you’re looking for visual appeal. The leaves are a little too peppery for me, but it looks pretty and the flowers make a nice edible garnish.

      1. TabbyCats*

        I don’t know if you’ve ever tried this, but coriander seeds added to mixed peppercorns (in a pepper grinder) add a really nice savoury touch. So that might be worth letting a couple of your plants bolt and go to seed! I just let them dry on the plant and then clip off the bunches. Takes a bit of time to separate the seeds and clean out all the plant bits, but I like to have around. It’s still one of my favourite things to have on scrambled eggs – nice taste, and of course I just like the colours in a peppercorn mix too.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I like herbs that flower, because I feel like I’m getting a two for one. Chives are easy, usable and have lovely little purple flowers. Rosemary is covered in blue flowers if it gets very happy.

    10. PhyllisB*

      I hope this doesn’t veer too much towards medical advice, it’s really more nutritional: I went yesterday to for my pre-op workup (in preparation for a hip replacement.) The doctor told me my sodium was low and she wanted to see it up a bit. Can any of you suggest healthy ways to increase my sodium? I do add salt to my food, and I occasionally eat things like salty chips and such. I just don’t add it at the table because I don’t like a lot of salt.
      I find this ironic since doctors have always told us CUT sodium, and I do take blood pressure pills.

      1. Clisby*

        Blood pressure pills can cause your sodium to go too low – my doctor changed my BP medication for that reason. In my case, the BP medicine was compounded with a diuretic, and that caused the problem. I think it’s true that most of us have been urged to cut sodium intake, but our bodies need sodium. We shouldn’t be cutting it down to nothing.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Thank you. Doctor did mention the medication. I don’t totally avoid salt, I just don’t add it at the table. BTW, apparently this posted twice. Sorry.

    11. PhyllisB*

      I’m not sure what grows well in Australia, or what you personally like, but the ones we have that we planted and “forgot ” are rosemary, chives, and oregano. Caution about oregano: be sure to plant in a pot and space it apart, because it will “jump the ditch ” i just had to go pull a bunch of it out of my chives. We also plant basil, but you have to plant it yearly.

    12. Madame Arcati*

      Definitely grow the ones you want to use fresh. Also in Oz I’d think ones that need warmer climes, like basil, would do well (no good outside here in the U.K!).
      Rosemary is hardy and doesn’t need much attention, and makes a nice shrub. Mint grows so well you better put it in a planter or it’ll go everywhere. I’ve also had success with chives, thyme, marjoram, lovage, and parsley, although when we had a spell of temperatures that were hot even by Australian standards, I had to water them daily.

    13. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      One herb I “couldn’t kill” was italian parsley, but it is similar to mint in that it spreads easily so keep it contained. I could chop the whole plant to just above the soil line to make a batch of pesto and the next day it’ll sprout vigorously.

    14. Westsidestory*

      The most important thing to know about growing herbs is grouping them by sun needs and water needs.

      Most of the Mediterranean perennial herbs (rosemary, lavender, thyme, sage) prefer full sun and a well draining soil. Put those together for a “zone.” Mint, chives and parsley love moister soils, and can take a bit of shade. Basil and most annual herbs like sun and regular watering.

      So my tip is to see what your backyard conditions are, and plant accordingly – always of course remembering you can create a “zone” in a big container and just move it to the right shady or sunny spot.

      That said, start with herbs you use the most, add as you go. This season I have basil, mint, rosemary, parsley, and chives as those are the ones I use most as fresh herbs. But I’ve grown about 30 different kinds over the years – it is a wonderful hobby adventure on its own and I wish you much joy of it.

    15. SparklingBlue*

      If you have success with mint, you could try catnip–you can give the leaves to the neighborhood kitties.

    16. I take tea*

      I like lovage, when it grows well it becomes really big, like at least a meter high and sometimes twice that, but doesn’t spread out the way mint does. The taste is strong, use carefully, but it adds depth to a lot of food in the same way as bay leafs. It can be found in most vegetable stock. (In German it is called Maggikraut, I’ve always thought that it is why the stock brand is called Maggi.)

      1. Missb*

        My favorite success at seed sowing was to start some Lovage from seed- it needs a chill period that just doesn’t happen naturally in my climate.

        Despite my success, it turns out one only needs 1 Lovage plant per household, lol.

    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      You can easily grow basil, cilantro and parsley from seed. Just rough up the soil a bit and sprinkle the seeds thinly on the patch of soil. Sprinkle a bit of soil to cover and pat them in. Water lightly every day if possible
      Have fun!!

  10. Languages*

    Does anyone have had an experience of bilingual pre-school (ages 3-6)?
    How “bilingual” do kids end up?
    I’m in a country where english isn’t the spoken language , my husband and I are fluent in English but speak our mother tongue to our child. So kiddo will speak english half the time at school, maybe with friends, and a bit with us (we’re starting to integrate songs and books).
    We don’t plan on staying in such a program in elementary school (the public school is quite decent and cost is definitely a factor).

    1. chocolate zebras*

      It very much depends on how intensive the English is. I’d expect very little learning – a few words/phrases/songs. If the language isn’t continued, it won’t be retained. The best outcome is learning pronunciation, so if the kids do learn English again later, they might have less of an accent.

      1. Languages*

        There are two teachers per class of ten kids, one only speaks english to them, the other our mother tongue, half activities are in English.

      2. Alex*

        I used to work in a preschool with a lot of bilingual kids. I also have a parent who grew up speaking another language at home than at school. It’s generally totally fine. Kids that age pick up English even if their parents don’t speak it at all at home. They can also easily understand who speaks what language. It always amazed me how easily kids can switch in between (especially as someone who struggled to learn second languages).

        I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

    2. AnonyMouse*

      I think it depends so much on the quality of the program itself. My child is in a bilingual preschool but the teachers end up speaking our country’s dominant language a lot. If you want your child to be bilingual, I’d encourage you to make a family language plan. Check out @bilinguitos on Instagram as a good resource.

    3. allathian*

      If you really want your kid to be fluent in English at a young age, what they really need is a chance to use English regularly. You could look into English-language after school playgroups or something, for when your kiddo’s old enough for elementary school.

      Kids learn languages quickly, but they also lose their language skills quickly and pretty completely unless they get a chance to practice the language regularly. To be fair, though, they’ll relearn quickly when they’re older and start learning it at school.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      My nephew went to an Irish language preschool and is now at the age of 4, just after starting an Irish immersion primary school. At the moment, he is nowhere near billingual. He knows the colours in Irish and words like “table,” “chair,” “window,” “teacher,” “homework.”

      I guess all primary schools in Ireland are to some extent billingual. We had to ask to go to the toilet in Irish throughout primary school, a lot of classroom instructions were given in Irish (sit down, turn around, etc; as a teacher, I’ve actually had to consciously change to English for those as my current role is a learning support teacher and one of the things I do is take the students who are exempt from Irish – recent immigrants, children with learning difficulties, etc – during the Irish period) and the roll is called in Irish (1st years in secondary school are often confused as to how to answer the roll as the only answer given in primary is “anseo”).

      I will say most of us, even with that level of use in primary school and Irish language classes from the age of 4 to the age of about 18, do not end up anywhere near billingual. I know that is not the same as speaking a language half the time though.

      My nephew has really only started (one year of preschool and the past month of school) so hard to tell what level of Irish he will attain. Given that all his textbooks are in Irish and it is the spoken language at school, I would assume he would come close to being billingual.

      I will add that Gaelscoileanna (schools that teach through Irish) generally get EXTREMELY good results and it is pretty much considered “the thing to do” (send your kid to a Gaelscoil) if you are really ambitious for them. I would sound a note of caution here, as it is likely that the parents who choose Gaelscoileanna are often quite well educated themselves and the children are likely average to high achieving (not always, but I imagine most parents would not send a child who is seriously struggling to a school where he or she would be educated through a second language), all of which may mess with the results – corrolation is not causation, after all. However, for what it’s worth, the two schools with the highest portion of student going on to college from 2017 to 2019 were Gaelscoileanna.

      1. fposte*

        I was really surprised when I learned about Gaelscoileanna, not so much that they existed but how widespread they were, rather than just being a phenomenon of the Gaeltacht. This was from an Irish colleague who’d gone to one in some eastern county I wouldn’t have expected and was bilingual as a result.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        Random question, but what other answers to the register do you need in high school? Aren’t you either present or not able to answer?

    5. Texan In Exile*

      How “bilingual” do kids end up?

      I can sort of address that question. I am a native English speaker, as are my parents, but my father was a career military officer and was stationed in Spain when I was a child. I went to a Dept of Defense school on base, which was taught in English by native English speakers, but we were required to study Spanish language, history, and culture.

      I attended this school from kindergarten to fifth grade and started learning Spanish in kindergarten. In addition, we had a Spanish cleaning lady (this was in Franco’s Spain, which was horribly poor, so even a military family could afford help), who spoke no English, so I heard Spanish from her.

      This start in Spanish has been an incredible advantage in my life. I went on to take Spanish in high school (which happened to be in the Panama Canal Zone, but again, I was in a school run by native English speakers) and in college. I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Chile, selected for that country because I already spoke Spanish.

      I have gotten jobs with international companies based on my ability to speak Spanish. I have been able to easily learn basic French, Portuguese, and Italian because of my knowledge of Spanish. I have travelled to Spain many times, getting around with no problems. Knowing Spanish has enriched my life in ways I cannot even begin to measure.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I would totally agree that hearing/learning another language early, even if you don’t keep it up forever, gives one a huge start in language learning and pronunciation later on. My parents occasionally spoke to me and each other in their native language without formally teaching it to me; I had a a big leg up when I started studying it formally later for many years in school, and I can still read it pretty well and have a good accent in it (though my knowledge of what nouns are masculine and what nouns are feminine is lousy, so I will never fool anyone into thinking I am a native speaker).

        I also spent a year overseas as a small child, and while I don’t remember the language I spoke there well enough to say much, my reading comprehension in it is still pretty good.

        And I also agree that once you know one Romance language, it’s pretty easy to learn/teach yourself the others!

    6. Jay*

      My friends who have managed to raise bilingual kids – or kids who can at least function in more than one language – have used the non-dominant language at home. We’re in the US, so that means they spoke English or French or Greek or Spanish at home, sometimes exclusively. I have one friend who only spoke to her kids in Spanish even though her husband doesn’t speak Spanish. She required them to answer her in Spanish as well. Both kids have traveled on their own in Spain and South America without difficulty; if they’re not truly bilingual, they are certainly more than competent in Spanish. School alone won’t do it no matter how good the program.

    7. Alexis Rosay*

      The possible outcomes of *just* bilingual preschool are pretty limited. Doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile but do have realistic expectations.

      Real-life example: At a language academy where I used to work, we had a student enroll with us who had attended a Mandarin-language preschool. She wasn’t of Chinese heritage, her family just sent her to that preschool because the location was convenient.

      She didn’t study Mandarin again until she enrolled in Mandarin classes with us around age 12. At that point, she had no ability to communicate in Mandarin and had to start from Level 1 with all the other students. In class, she proved to have excellent pronunciation, better listening skills than other students, and she generally picked up things more a bit more quickly. But I don’t think anyone would consider her bilingual just based on her preschool experience.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Not the same as what you’re asking, but my friend has two teen kids that had a parent that only spoke to them in French and they attended a French language school through 8th grade.

      The oldest is very smart, had no troubles, and speaks fluent French and also learning Chinese now. The youngest struggled in school and had anxiety. He was not helped by instructions being in French (he sometimes did not understand school work instructions). He’s way more fluent that any average American kid, but not like a native speaker and isn’t a great reader / writer. One parent still speaks to him only in French but there’s still some miscommunications.

    9. 3lla*

      at kindergarten, bilingual students know as many words as their monolingual peers but because the words are spread across two languages, they are often rated as having less breadth of vocab compared to their peers. this evens out by grade three, but be prepared for some pushback from their teachers at public school until then.

      1. Jessica*

        The studies on this are mixed, FYI. Some have found a vocabulary gap among bilingual kids and their monolingual peers, other’s haven’t.

    10. bratschegirl*

      Various family members have raised bilingual kids, but in those cases they have used both languages at home, and for the most part one parent spoke primarily English and the other spoke primarily the other language. Often kids in this situation are later to speak than their monolingual peers, but when they do start really talking they are able to keep the two languages separate. That’s with pretty much 50% exposure to each language, though.

      1. allathian*

        Yup, can confirm. I was raised bilingual, and I’ve spoken Finnish and Swedish for as long as I can remember. My dad traveled a lot on business when I was a toddler and preschooler, sometimes being absent for months at a time. During those periods, I always spoke Finnish with my mom, and I remember having trouble when I was 4 to adjust to speaking Swedish with my dad when he returned from a particularly long trip. This changed when I went to daycare when I was 5, because the language of the daycare was Swedish. (All of my education, with the exception of a year in the UK in my early teens and an exchange year in France as a college student, from daycare to master’s degree, has been in Swedish.)

        But knowing two languages from early childhood meant that adding a third, English, was easy. I went from a vocabulary of about 500 words, to no longer needing an assistant tutor in class, during the Autumn Term (1st of 3 trimesters), and I got an A on my report card at the end of the school year, graded on the same scale as the English kids who’d grown up speaking only English. I’m willing to concede that I have some talent in languages, though.

        When my husband was a preschooler, his family lived in the southern US for about three years. He didn’t learn much English, mainly because his mom was a SAHM, and he spent most of the time with her. But when he started learning English at school, he adapted a slight Southern accent, which you can hear even now.

        We’re raising our son to be bilingual as well. We speak Swedish and Finnish at home. My husband understands Swedish well enough that I don’t need to repeat what I’m saying to our son for his benefit, but he doesn’t speak it himself. When our son started talking, at first he’d only respond in Finnish. He was a fairly late learner, but he had lots of ear infections when he was a toddler to the point that they temporarily affected his hearing and delayed his speech development. When he went to daycare, he only started speaking Swedish when they had a visiting substitute teacher from Sweden who didn’t speak any Finnish. Now, because he’s in a Swedish-language school, his Swedish is stronger than his Finnish. He’s also picking up a lot of English from YouTube, he’s often able to point out translation errors in the subtitles of the TV shows we’re watching together.

    11. Pennyworth*

      I think you’ll need to speak English at home to get them properly bilingual. I know two families with bi-lingual children, in both cases one parent was a native English speaker, the other parent a Spanish or French native speaker. They chose to use Spanish/French exclusively at home, and English when out or with friends or family members who only spoke English. The kids switched between languages effortlessly.

    12. KatEnigma*

      It depends on the person. My cousin went to a bilingual school (barely… mostly French) in Montreal for all of elementary school and was proficient at the time, but can not speak much French today.

      It won’t hurt your kid, but if you’re looking for lasting effects, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

  11. Jackalope*

    Reading thread: everyone share what they’re reading right now. All kinds of books and reading welcome!

    Someone here recommended Cassandra Clare a few weeks ago, and I’ve been reading some of her books. I’ve made my way through a number of them and I think I’m ready to take a break for a bit, but I’ve definitely enjoyed them so thanks to whoever recommended them.

    1. Forensic13*

      Just finished The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novak and loved it! It’s the final book in a trilogy, so I’ve been really excited for it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        That was incredible. It hit the things I expected, but with new twists that were not only very satisfying, but shifted how I saw the earlier books. That beautiful feeling of “I did not see this coming, and yet now it seems so clear.”

        I just started in on A Deadly Education again.

        1. No Name Yet*

          Someone here (maybe one of you two?) recommended the Scholomance series a few weeks ago, and I just finished A Deadly Education, and LOVED IT! Impatiently waiting for my interlibrary loan copy of The Last Graduate to show up – glad to hear that The Golden Enclaves lives up to the series!

          While waiting, I started reading Spinning Silver also by Naomi Novik, and am enjoying it as well. The combination of her style of fantasy and historical context of being-a-Jew-in-something-like-medieval-Europe is really interesting.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            What if you were a student in a magical high school where you constantly had exciting and terrifying adventures due to monsters trying to eat you, BUT that was horrible and stressful and the only reason anyone would agree to go is that the outside world is even more lethal?

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Your description of Spinning Silver makes me think you might appreciate A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan – it’s a five book series written as the memoir of a bluestocking noblewoman in a pseudo-Victorian slightly steampunk world where dragons are real and the dominant religion of the narrator and her home culture is based on Judaism.

            1. No Name Yet*

              That *does* sound fascinating and right up my alley in multiple ways, thanks for the rec!

              1. AcademiaNut*

                I love this series! The narrator voice is lovely too – it’s written in the tone of an opinionated, independent older woman telling the story of her younger years, and it’s very obvious that she considers social scandal and political infighting as being much less important than studying dragons. Later books have one of my favourite SFF romances, as well.

    2. AnonyMouse*

      I just read Verity by Colleen Hoover and oof I don’t even know what I just read. It has some very graphic and heavy topics, and just generally it was A LOT for me.

      1. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

        Is that the Very Controversial one? I have been meaning to read it since a PhD student of mine told me about it. (Her reaction was very much like yours!)

    3. English Rose*

      I’ve just finished the third in the Thursday Murder Club crime series by Richard Osman, The Bullet that Missed.
      SUCH a brilliant series. Often laugh out loud funny, but with darkness and sadness creeping in, and lots of twists and turns.
      Set in a British retirement village, a group of friends in their 70s and 80s investivate cold cases. One of the friends, Elizabeth, is a retired spy. Highly recommended.
      Now I’m starting on Wolf Hall, not having read it during Hilary Mantel’s lifetime, thought now would be the time.

      1. IT Manager*

        This was just wonderful, wasn’t it? I forgot I had pre-ordered it so it was a delightful surprise (and I missed several meetings wrapped up in it). I literally wept at that scene with Bogdan and Stephen.

        Anyone have recommendations for anything similar? It’s been a long time since I loved something so much as that series. Recently from AAM reader recommendations (thank you!) I’ve also liked the Amelia Peabody books which had a little bit of the same flavor (but not nearly as much wonderful character definition) and the Louise Penny Gamache books (which are also lovely but get much heavier and sadder).

        1. English Rose*

          Yes, me too on the Bogdan and Stephen scene. And the Gamache books are wonderful – I want to live in Three Pines!

          On a much lighter note, I’ve also recently enjoyed a couple of books by Ian Moore – Death and Croissants and Death and Fromage. A hapless Englishman running a bed and breakfast in France, getting involved in all sorts of mayhem. Some similarities to Thursday Murder Club in style. Missing the tenderness, but very funny.

          And have you read the Mary Russell series by Laurie R King? A fantastic reimagining of how Sherlock Holmes’ life would have been if he had a young female apprentice.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      This week, I read : Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri, The Grief of Stones by Katherine Addison and Rogue Protocol by Martha Wells. I only liked the last one.

      Does anyone have recommendations for stand-alone SF novels that are “light-hearted”? I don’t need another series for the moment (still need to finish The Expanse) and I don’t want to read anything depressing.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis, her ode to Three Men in a Boat. (The science is time travel.)

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I have never read Three Men in a Boat, and To Say Nothing of the Dog is one of my favorite books.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Time-traveling Oxford historians must find an execrable giant Victorian vase, or else their research funding will go to Cambridge. There is punting along the Thames, there is a butler, there is negotiation with a cat.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Yes! And I read the one after that. I’m now waiting for the next one from the library.

      3. AcademiaNut*

        On the fantasy side, try Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree. A retired orc mercenary opens a coffee shop – it’s a light, cozy read.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Not the OP, but this sounds like exactly what I need, thanks for the rec!

        2. Science KK*

          I need you to know I sent this book to several friends with THERES A BOOK ABOUT A RETIRED ORC WHO OPENS A COFFEE SHOP.

          I may accidentally start a one shot book club, thank you!

          1. Jackalope*

            Do you mean Legends and Lattes? Because I have a paper copy so can assure you it’s already out (and wonderful).

            1. Teapot Translator*

              Maybe it’s because I’m in Canada? I checked the Indigo website and it’s on pre-order only. :(

              1. Teapot Translator*

                I’ve googled a bit, and it seems they’re publishing a new edition and in the meantime, only the digital formats (epub and audiobook) are available.

    5. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

      I’ve taken a few days off work to stave off burnout & haven’t had energy for anything other than mediocre domestic thrillers (my comfort reading, possibly bc as a childless lesbian they validate my life choices?*) I’ve really enjoyed Jo Jakeman’s The Safe House’ Kieran Scott’s Wish You Were Gone, Rebecca Whitney’s The Hidden Girls and Leonie Deakin’s Gone. But perhaps the most AAM-appropriate is the workplace thriller The Interview by C M Ewan, where a job interview turns into a terrifying interrogation…

      *I know from friends that not all husbands are trying to kill you & not all mothers experience postpartum psychosis, but the world of domestic noir would suggest otherwise!

          1. Bluebell*

            Usually I love Alisons recommendations, but when I finished The Golden Couple, I felt it was lacking. I love books with good twists, but not this one.

      2. Clisby*

        Next you’ll be telling us that visiting a picturesque English village while a fete is going on does not portend death for somebody.

    6. Flightless*

      The Greatest Beer Run Ever by John “Chick” Donohue. First about 115 pages felt like an lighthearted adventure story (which was nice) and now it’s starting to feel like a real war story. I read military history books a lot, and am enjoying it!

    7. llama leggings*

      I tried reading Death of a Gossip by M.C. Beaton, iirc the Hamish McBeth series was recommended here. One of the first people mentioned is a “heavy set” woman, and the book kept mentioning it, like I get it, you don’t have to remind me every other sentence… I had to stop because it felt very body shamey. For people who have read the series, are they all like this? Are the later books better? Should I not have started with one from 1985?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I think I read two books by M.C. Beaton, that one and on from the Agatha Raisin series. I liked some parts of Death of a Gossip; I didn’t enjoy the other one. It felt like the writer didn’t know how to write women except through misogyny (and fatphobia).

        1. llama leggings*

          Thanks, I was intrigued by the concept of the cop who doesn’t want to advance his career but I’ll just skip these then. Oh well.

          1. Jenna Webster*

            I read them all and enjoy them but Hamish is kind of a douche and the women tend to be presented as obstacles to his happiness because they are smart and want lives if their own. Wait, why do I read these?

    8. CTT*

      I’m reading “I’m Glad My Mom Died,” Jeanette McCurdy’s memoir. It is harrowing! But also very process-y; like, I’m learning a lot about the TV industry and child acting. Also, I was reading it yesterday at the pharmacy while waiting to get my flu shot, and one of the pharmacists saw me reading it from behind the counter and yelled “I loved that book!”

    9. Jay*

      Currently reading two, both non-fiction. “Doctors and Distillers” is a light and funny overview of the medical applications of alcohol over the centuries. Also reading “Light of the World” by Elizabeth Alexander which is definitely not, well, light. It’s a memoir about her husband, who died suddenly at age 50. Gorgeously written and compelling. I picked it up Thursday night and read about 75% of it – didn’t look at it yesterday, won’t have time today, will probably finish it tomorrow.

    10. DrKMnO4*

      I just finished 3 different books by Aiden Thomas.

      Cemetery Boys was my favorite of the 3. I started reading it at like 10:30-11:00 pm on a work night, which was a mistake, because I couldn’t put it down. I was always saying, “just one more chapter”. It features a transmasculine lead character and is steeped in Latinx culture. Love it so much and cannot recommend it highly enough.

      I liked The Sunbearer Trials, which is similar to the Hunger Games but with a Latinx context. It also features a transmasculine lead character. The book was good, and I will read the sequel when it comes out, but it felt very YA. Hard to explain that feeling, but if you’ve read a lot of YA novels you’ll know what I mean.

      Lost In The Never Woods was good, but very different from the other two. It is a new spin on Peter Pan.

      Now that I’ve finished Aiden Thomas’s books, I’m reading some of the Ciaphas Cain novels by Sandy Mitchell. They’re set in the Warhammer 40k universe, and are a good blend of funny and serious.

    11. fposte*

      I just read Richard E. Grant’s A Pocketful of Happiness, a reflection on the year his wife became ill with cancer and died, with flashbacks to their earlier life. I find him incredibly charming (I learned about the book from hearing his wonderful turn on the Off Menu podcast), and it’s such a love letter to his very adored wife. I just lost a dear friend a couple of weeks ago and it was heartbreaking and cathartic to weep over it.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Lots of books, as usual, with the notable ones including:

      THE TEA DRAGON FESTIVAL by K. O’Neill, a prequel to the other “Tea Dragon” graphic novels – lovely pastel artwork, diverse characters and relationships, kind plot-points – thoroughly charming.

      HAMSTER PRINCESS: LITTLE RED RODENT HOOD by Ursula Vernon, another in her snarky/funny kids-series about a bold hamster princess and her quests. I really wish these had been around when I was a kid, but I enjoy them even as a senior citizen {wry grin}.

      EVERYWHERE BLUE by Joanne Rossmassler Fritz – a novel in poem form, from the viewpoint of a girl whose brother has gone missing, with all the shock and doubt and different ways of fretting/grieving/coping/healing that such a thing can elicit.

      BOBCAT AND OTHER STORIES by Rebecca Lee – fascinating stories, often involving academia and personal relationships, by an author whose knack for evocative phrases kept me savoring each tale even when I didn’t like the characters very much.

      And some manga:

      HEAVEN’S DESIGN TEAM 6 by Hebi-zou, another informative/hilarious entry in this series about a team of designers tasked with building functional creatures (and, in this volume, some plants as well) based on often-sketchy customer input. (When God is the customer there’s some pressure to get things right.)

      MONOTONE BLUE by Nagabe (whose “Girl from the Other Side” series was deliciously macabre/sweet/poignant). This one’s a standalone book set in a world populated by beast-people who’ve evolved into bipedal, clothes-wearing pretty-much-like-humans folk, while retaining many of their dog-, cat-, and lizard-traits. Most of them are some kind of canine, the main character’s a cat (bored, sleeps a lot, gets hissy very easily – yeah, definitely a cat). And the lizard? He’s the new transfer student, and everyone else is wildly curious about him – except for the cat, who won’t follow where the dogs lead. But then the cat spots something so unique and fabulous about the lizard that he can’t stop himself from getting close… (This one gets into issues of bullying and assault – that poor lizard had some awful times at his last school – but the present-day characters are a lot nicer and things work out well.)

    13. GoryDetails*

      Oh, and a recommendation for a book that’s coming out October 15 – but that I’ve already read in early draft form, as its authors are my sister and brother-in-law:

      ANGEL FALLS by David Surface and Julia Rust – a YA novel set in a small coastal New England town (inspired by Rockport MA), and featuring modern-day teens who stumble upon a mysterious part of the forest where, just maybe, wishes can be answered.

    14. Science KK*

      I’m almost finished with Hidden Figures ( the book that inspired the movie!) by Margot Lee Shetterly and next I’m reading I am not your perfect Mexican daughter by Erika L Sánchez!

    15. Lifeandlimb*

      The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu.
      I recently read the first book in the trilogy, Three Body Problem; it’s quite unusual, but it really picked up in the second half.

    16. Kara Danvers*

      I started Islands of Mercy on audiobook. I usually have a hard time paying attention to audiobooks, but since this one is read by one of my favorite actresses, maybe it’ll go a little better.

      Also reading Because Internet, which is a linguist’s exploration of how the internet shapes language. It’s pretty interesting!

    18. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Just started THE LAST WHITE MAN, by Mohsin Hamid after hearing a glowing review on NPR. It’s about a white man who wakes up one day to realize his skin has turned brown.

      I am struggling with the run-on sentences & haven’t made it past page 4. It’s a short text, but it’s not going to be a short read. Not sure if I can focus as much as needed here. Suggestions or advice from those who have read it?

    19. PostalMixup*

      I just finished The Hidden Palace by Helene Walker. It’s the sequel to The Golem and the Jinni, and they’re both very good! Much more character-driven than I’d anticipated, but I really enjoyed watching the characters grow and evolve across the two books.

    20. Bluebell*

      In nonfiction, I’m reading God is Here: Reimagining the Divine by Rabbi Toba Spitzer, and I like how it pushes against the “old man on a throne” image. Also read a meh domestic noir – The Heights. The Daughter of Doctor Moreau is next on my list.

    21. Filosofickle*

      This morning I finished The House at Riverton, which I liked. Historic drama set in the 1910s/20s, told from the narrator’s end of life. Had enough urgency / what will happen next to keep the pages turning without being stressful

    22. Random Biter*

      Just finished Soul Taken by Patricia Briggs. If you enjoy urban fantasies the Mercy Thompson series is a great one.

  12. WoodswomanWrites*

    I’m interested in hearing about experiences taking the trip of a lifetime that you haven’t really been able to afford but did anyway. That’s the decision I’m looking at right now.

    Years ago when I was younger, I would take solo trips into wilderness, including in Alaska. Older and creakier now, I’ve been wanting to return to Alaska on a guided trip. Most haven’t appealed to me because the groups are large, and they’re based on a lot of travel time on vans/buses, etc.

    I have found what sounds like a dream six-day trip by bush plan to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, with a guide and only five guests, focused on observing wildlife. It’s understandably expensive. The deposit is refundable so I figured what the heck and paid it to reserve a spot.

    In practical terms, it’s hard to justify the expense. I’m fortunate that it wouldn’t require going into debt, but I am playing catch-up on saving for retirement in a few years. That said, I want to take advantage of a dream trip while my body can still do it and with a reputable guiding company that seems to offer trips that are both safe and high-quality.

    I’d love to hear from people about how you did something like this you couldn’t really afford and how you managed to make it work financially.

    1. Weegie*

      Do it! Seriously, it sounds great – and if not now, when? Carpe diem, and all that.
      Not at all comparable, but when I was much younger I was determined to do a year-long round-the-world backpacking trip. I felt I’d missed out as a student by not doing the near-obligatory one-month Interrailing trip round Europe (because I got a job instead . . .), so I wanted to do that and then tack the rest of the world onto it :-) Problem? No money: we were in a recession, and I had two part-time, low-wage jobs and some shaky freelance income. I started planning a year before I went, taking on any extra shifts that were offered and a third job, babysitting, which I could do at weekends and was easy. I had some savings, I stopped doing any activities that involved money, and I sold books and a few other items that I didn’t need any more. Eventually there was enough in my travel fund to let me wander for 4 months, knowing that I’d have to stop off and get a job in a particular country (where I could legally work) for another few months to allow me to continue travelling. This worked like a dream, except the ‘few months’ turned into 5+ years, as I liked my temporary stopover so much. I earned tons of money, developed a career I never would have had otherwise, and got to meet interesting people and do more travelling – so the trip actually took about 7 or 8 years to complete in total, but it was 100% worth it.

        1. Weegie*

          Writing about my travels is one of those things on my Eternal To Do list – I do have a few pieces written, but I keep starting blogs and then abandoning them. One of these days . . .

    2. fashionchallenged*

      Another vote for doing it. I’m curious what the company is? I might want to do this one day!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I found the company searching online with a series of keywords. It was something like “birds hiking guided tours Alaska.” There are many options.

    3. Cordelia*

      That sounds amazing! I’d say do it. You can afford it, in that it sounds like you have the money now and it wouldn’t put you into debt. I’m going on a dream trip (safari) next week, and am in a similar position, I can afford it without going into debt, but I “ought” to be saving for retirement. The way I justify it to my “internal accountant” is that I haven’t had a holiday for a long time, I won’t have another for a long time, I have and will cut down on other things such as meals out, theatre tickets etc to pay for this – and it will be worth it. And I can spend my slightly less well-funded retirement reminiscing! It’s taken me a long time to accept and not feel guilty about things like this, but I work hard, I don’t spend frivolously, I can buy myself nice things sometimes. A close friend told me this last year when I was debating a new bag, but it applies to holidays too!

    5. UKDancer*

      Do it now, you don’t know where you’ll be in 12 months.

      My parents had 2 dream trips in mind, Canada and New Zealand. They went to Canada for a month, touring Vancouver, going up to whale watch in Newfoundland. Then heading off to the remoter parts of the country to somewhere with hides so they could watch the bears in their natural habitat. They absolutely loved it and said if they were 30 years younger they’d want to emigrate there.

      About a month after they got back my father collapsed and was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was lucky he got a transplant so he’s still here. But it means they can’t do that type of long trip again because he can’t get insurance and doesn’t want to be that far from his medical team so it meant New Zealand was off the agenda.

      My parents were so glad they got their Canada trip in while they could because they didn’t know what was coming.

      My major bucket list places are Buenos Aires and St Petersburg. I’m going to do Argentina as soon as I can afford to do it in style because I want to dance all night in the tango salons. I had intended to go to St Petersburg in 2021 but it got cancelled because of Covid. Now I’m not going for political reasons because of his invasion of Ukraine.

      When I’m down I remember the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen there. My favourites are the Maldives (amazingly clear skies and such a blue sea), Norway (cruising fjords and going on a husky drawn sleigh) and Tblisi (because it was a fascinating place)

    6. Asenath*

      A few years before I retired, I went to Australia and New Zealand (I’m in Canada). I made it work financially basically by taking some money that perhaps I should have added to my retirement pot – I had to cash in an investment that wasn’t paying much and basically used that, with some from my current savings to top it off, instead of putting it somewhere safe for my retirement. And I planned, well, not every minute (I chose a combination of organized tours to places I couldn’t easily get to since I don’t drive and unscheduled days in cities with public transportation that I toured on my own) but the spending of every penny while I was going to be away, because my research had shown me they were expensive destinations, and I needed to pay for a lot of travel in-country if I wanted to see a fraction of what I hoped to. I didn’t want to risk running out of money, so budgeting was key.

      I’m retired now, and I never regretted spending that money. While I still could travel I suppose, it does often get harder as you get older, and (in my case) the thought of such a long air trip is increasingly daunting. I always wanted to go to Australia, and now I’ve been there – and to a little bit of New Zealand too, added on a friend’s recommendation and because I thought, well, if I’m going so far, it would be a shame not to go a little farther.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got a small inheritance that sensibly should have been saved or invested, it wouldn’t necessarily have been never-work-again life-changing but was like, house down payment levels. Instead I used it to extend my “gap year” (I was 30 and had planned to take six months off when I moved cross-country) to fifteen months and took a six week trip around Europe because that wasn’t the kind of trip I’d likely be able to do once I started working again.

      And three years later I bought a house anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    8. Jay*

      You can afford it. It’s all about tradeoffs and this sounds like you really want to do it and the tradeoffs are worth it to you.

      I worked in hospice care for ten years. Nothing is guaranteed to us. I had that brought home personally in 2019 when three friends were diagnosed with cancer. I’m now 62 – I retired at the end of 2021 and we took a trip last June that ending up costing about twice what we’d originally budgeted. We went to Italy and Croatia with our daughter after her college graduation and we had private guides and transportation arranged by an awesome travel agent (HMU if you want the name – he’s AMAZING) and it was totally, totally worth it. For us the tradeoffs were postponing our next international trip by a couple of years, so not exactly eating ramen and living in penury. It was still way more than we could “afford” according to our financial plan. DO IT.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      We did a big trip–5 weeks in Hawaii, Australia, and New Zealand–when I freelanced (so set my own schedule) and my husband was finishing graduate school (and so could take a big chunk of time off). That trip was wonderful and I think back to elements of it 20 years later, and I’m so glad that we didn’t shave it down to something smaller to be sensible and put more of our savings toward a new house.

      My physical body tossed a curve ball at me around age 40 that still limits my mobility, and so I say Go Now, while your body is up for this. If you said “I have a ton of debt, and I want to take on more for this” my advice might be different, but you can afford this financially and it should be a wonderful investment spiritually.

    10. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Will it be any more affordable when you have your savings and retire… are you budgeting for these kinds of trips in your retirement plan?

      If not, do it now. And if so, still do it now anyway. Having just watched a loved one pass away from a degenerative condition that progressed alarmingly quick, do not take your body and all the marvellous things it can still do and all the marvellous places it can still take you for granted. You won’t regret $x less in your bank account at the end, but you will regret missing the opportunity.

      Finances can recover and grow at any time; the same cannot be said for our bodies.

    11. Not A Manager*

      I want to be on Team Do-It like everyone else. But only you know how marginal your retirement savings are right now and how likely you are to catch up to your goal in the next few years. (And how realistic your goal is.)

      If your goal is super-conservative and you are already pretty close to it, then you should go on this trip. If your goal is razor’s-edge of what you will need if everything breaks exactly right, and in order to make that goal you can’t have any bobbles between now and retirement, then maybe rethink the trip.

      From your post, I’m guessing you’re closer to the former than the latter. But maybe it will help to ask yourself that. Suppose you go on the trip, and for some reason you don’t make your full retirement goal before you stop working. Would that be a “too bad” or would that be a catastrophe?

    12. fposte*

      I’m a more cautious go for it, but I still lean toward go for it. Do you have a clear sense of what directing the retirement savings toward this will do to your retirement? Then you can evaluate the tradeoff.

      I will say, as a retiree now, I try not to think in terms of “justifying the expense.” That sounds frivolous and Kardashian-esque, but I’m a naturally frugal person in a LCOL area, and I could “but is it worth it?” myself out of doing everything. For you this isn’t a whim–it’s something you have some experience with and a long-time desire for. I would definitely trade a trip later, or a new kitchen, or whatever, to do this now. Is it clearer for you if you think in terms of that? (Or have you already thought in terms of that and really just want some external eyes on your tradeoff?)

    13. Bluebell*

      I’d say definitely do it now! Who knows what may be around the corner, and it’s great that you’ve found a trip you want to do. Back in 2019 I took my niece to Iceland, even though she was still a teen. It was pricey, but I’m so glad we went, and didn’t decide to wait a year.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        In May 2021, just as everyone got fully vaccinated, my mom had a stroke. She didn’t recover. All our plans for special trips we would take her on in the future (she was my father’s caregiver for many years; he died shortly before the pandemic kicked off) came to naught.

    14. the cat's ass*

      This sounds so wonderful and so you that you HAVE to do it! Travel is not practical, and tomorrow is not promised to us. I took a combination work/vacation trip to Japan in the 1980’s (when the exchange rate was terrible) and i have never, ever regretted it. I moved out of my apartment and put all my stuff in storage, and when i came back i moved in with roommates after having my own place, which was an adjustment, for about a year. Picked up a second part time job (young and peppy, so it was easy), and after a year i was back where i started before the trip. It was so worth it.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I recognize some of this from when I up and traveled in the 1980s and ended up living for a while in the country I had planned to visit for just a couple weeks. No regrets for me, either. Doing it later in life when I feel more financially vulnerable is what gave me pause, but I posted lower in this thread that I’ve decided to take the trip.

    15. Lifeandlimb*

      You’ve said it yourself: you can afford it.

      I took a few trips when I first started exploring going outdoors that also didn’t put me into debt, but just barely fit into my budget. I definitely had to cut back on other things to make those trips work. Some of the skills I learned on those trips (as well as the connections) actually came in useful for my second career, later. Not to mention they were SO fun!

      Time and money both run out, but you can’t get back time, whereas often you can make back the money. Try your best to estimate the expenses conservatively ahead of time, and don’t splurge on anything else big right before or after. Memories (and potentially new skills and friendships) are a great investment.

    16. Anon for this*

      Just adding that my parents faced this same dilemma (Macchu Picchu) and decided against the trip. Now their health won’t allow it, and they very much regret not going. Personally, my feeling is that money is something you can figure out (within reason, you can make more of it, or cut spending in other areas) but time is something you can’t ever get back. If it’s not a totally irresponsible decision for you financially, I urge you to go for it! (Sorry, I know you were asking for practical financial advice – don’t have any of that unfortunately)

    17. Katefish*

      I went to France 5 years ago from the US for my cousin’s wedding. It was a bucket list trip, with the attendant debt. My husband couldn’t go because he was deployed, so I went with my mom to Paris and we took a train south to the Marseille area.
      I can’t even describe how much I have no regrets.

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks for all your helpful comments! While my retirement fund has a long way to go and I will be living frugally, I’m frugal already. I’m not on the edge of financial disaster.

      I’ve decided to go on this trip and reading comments here, I’m thinking that since I’ll already be in Alaska, I could extend my time doing other things there that would be cheaper. I’ve figured out that I can cover the flight as well as the required hotel stays before and after with points from my credit cards.

      I like the suggestions of supplementing my income to help make this work. I posted on a recent weekend thread about potentially offering Airbnb Experiences (not lodging) partly with this trip in mind, and will add that to a Friday thread soon to explore further. And for all of you who shared about letting go of travel plans due to poor health and worse, I send my best wishes to you and your families.

      Your feedback is useful–AAM creates such a great community.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        I’m so glad! It sounds like you have a totally rational approach to this decision.
        I’m sure I speak for the whole AAM community when I say, PLEASE tell us about it when you come back!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Sure, the trip isn’t until June next year so it will be a while before I have any news. It will be brief to align with the weekend posting rules. I’ll most likely post about it on my blog and can and share a link for anyone who’s interested.

      4. Cat Wrangler*

        We have had some great Airbnb experiences. We are on vacation right now, in fact, and I just found one for hiking in a private slot canyon with goats—super tempting! If you offer experiences yourself, I hope it goes well. (And I am also on Team Take the Vacation.)

    19. AM*

      My husband and I married very young and didn’t take a honeymoon. So on our 10th anniversary we had a delayed honeymoon and it was so much fun (a dive trip in Belize) we decided to start doing big trips every five years or so. The last was near our 30th – we spent two weeks in the Cook Islands. Because they were celebrations we spent more than we would have normally but have never regretted it!
      I lost my business during the pandemic so money is tighter but we are making plans and often revisit our pics and talk about our previous “honeymoons”. Travel is worth it!

      1. Anima*

        Oi Queen Sally, don’t hit me with wisdom at breakfast time. ;)

        For real, I’m only 35 and I realized this on my own. I almost always pick the memory-makung activity over savig money, though ideally I try to do both. Saving a bit and spending a bit us the sweet spot.

        So I’m glad you’ll go, OP! Have a great time!

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I blew more money that I had ever spent on a vacation in my life on a lesbian cruise (Olivia) around French Polynesia after I inherited some money. I don’t have any brilliant advice about paying for it, but I was glad I had gotten that adventure before covid hit. I saw that the cruise line now offers a payment plan. Maybe one of your Alaska options would as well?

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Good suggestion about a payment plan. The guiding company is sending me an overview of the trip soon in response to my making a deposit so I’ll start there.

    22. IT Manager*

      I’m always struggling with “carpe diam, you might die tomorrow!” and “the WORST thing is to outlive your money”.

      My current feeling is a) do NOT go into debt but b) otherwise, you should do bucket list things now while you’re healthy and also because they live in your memory so you get value now but also the remainer of your life. Don’t wait till the end, you’ll miss all that remembering and sharing and reminiscing.

      I did this for a pretty big trip I couldn’t really afford (but no debt) to Indonesia with my daughter while she was in high school and we talk about it all the time. Worth it.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        You’ve captured my own dichotomy when I ponder things. I appreciate your perspective on balancing the two.

  13. Malarkey*

    Connection, not correction

    Such a simple parenting concept I heard recently but I realize it applies to so SO many relationships. I’m a naturally anxious person and my partner has been having mental health struggles that mean so much more is landing on my plate. Im struggling with connection over correction and frustration.

    Folks who have navigated rough patches in relationships, what got you through? How did you find connection under stress?

    1. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

      I was the person with the mental health issues -just coming out of a very long rough spot. My heart goes out to you – it was a hard ride for my terrific partner. One thing that worked for us was trying to have SOME good/connected times – we could almost always have good talks about books, even when everything else was hard.

      The main thing I wanted was to feel heard so “connection not correction” is such a crucial insight – sounds like you’re a lot of the way there already.

      Good luck. I hope things work out for you & your person.

      1. Malarkey*

        This was such a kind and insightful comment. I’ve been feeling really raw and it means so much to hear your experience, especially the part where we might come out on the other side ok!

    2. Jay*

      “It’s all about the relationship” remains my parenting mantra. That and “choose your battles.” Both also help me in my relationship with my partner. We’ve had some deep and difficult patches that included mental health struggles for both of us at various times.

      I realized that my frustration is usually a sign that I feel responsible for something that’s not mine. I’m not able to fix him or solve his problems. Irritation for me is almost always a cover for grief, and when he’s mired in his own stuff I often feel grief – for his losses, for my losses, for the loss of my idea of our relationship.

      A friend of mine talks about “radical self-care” and that’s what gets me through. I recognize that he is not capable of meeting my emotional needs at that particular moment and I look for other ways to meet them – more frequent therapy, lots of connection with trusted friends. I stopped trying to keep our problems a secret. The details are private; I share the truth that we’re in a low patch and I need my peeps.

      We’re lucky to have enough money to outsource a lot of the daily details – we have housecleaners, we can afford takeout and babysitters, and when my daughter was young we hired a college student to pick her up after school and get her to dance class. And I did relentless triage. The bills got paid. We were fed. The kid was cared for – any extra energy I had went to her. EVERYTHING else went on the back burner.

      I also asked myself if I wanted to leave. I answered “no” each time, and it was still important to ask myself the question so I recognized that staying was my choice and my commitment. I wasn’t trapped – even though there were days I felt that way.

      Gentle internet hugs. So so so hard.

      1. Malarkey*

        Oh my this describes me almost exactly! One kiddo, lots of outsourced help, and it still feels overwhelming and awful many (most?) days. And yet I want our son to have his father. And yet there are good moments. Might be easier if I could feel more hope about the wider world but it feels like there no comfort to be found on any fronts.

        Thank you so much for helping me name what’s underneath my frustration and irritation and helping me remember that I do still get a choice here. You are a kind soul to have lifted a stranger’s burden.

        1. Jay*

          We are in a much better place in our relationship now and the state of the world still feels overwhelming to me much of the time. It makes everything harder.

          It took us a long time to get to the “better place” and we both had to do our own work. Even in the worst times I could see he was trying to do his own work. I hope the same is true for you and that you have a “team you” to offer you comfort.

    3. fposte*

      Not quite what you’re talking about, but as I mentioned upthread a beloved friend of decades just died, largely unexpectedly. And I helped their partner out with mortuary stuff, etc. This partner, also a dear friend of decades, is very different from me in many ways, and I can tell I’ve finally obtained some maturity because I was largely able to suppress my stress response of Getting Things Properly Done and just let the living partner handle things they way they wanted. This sounds really obvious in text, but it is amazing how strong that “correction” impulse can be (to be fair, I did work as an editor for decades) and how important it is to say “quiet, correction impulse, you don’t have a place here today.”

      It was probably easier because this wasn’t negotiating a partnership or familial relationship where we had to figure out how to honor both impulses; I could just tell myself firmly this was not about me and learn that grief languages are just as varied as love languages.

      1. Malarkey*

        I have wrestled with this in the past. Why can I be so patient with other peoples mistakes but feel so furious/anxious/helpless when they’re coming from my loved partner? I think it’s wrapped up in my hopes for what my life would be like right now. With a partner and the parent of my child and at this stage of life. I have a therapist and kind friends but I want a *partner*. It’s hard but I’m so grateful for the people sharing their insights on this thread. Hoping to keep hanging in there.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I do think it depends on your person you are with.
      For us, it was the unwarranted, undeserved, softness. For example a soft and kind answer to a harsh or rude question. We could both jar each other and make the other one think, “Wait. I did not deserve that kindness in this moment.” I am kind of hesitant to mention this because it does NOT fit all situations nor all people.

      Loving humor is also a tool. But only if you are good at it and 200% sure Partner will think the joke is funny. Pets are helpful here. Make a joke about a cute thing the pet did. Never joke about the partner or anything they did. I’d joke about some stupid thing I did, but I could in my relationship, it would not bring on a barrage of words nor would it be thrown in my face later. Humor is a YMMV thing.

      Sometimes finding a time out is helpful. This could be a mutually enjoyable activity, such as a hike or a movie. Call it a time out from problems and just enjoy the activity.

      There is also connection from shared history. I was with my husband long enough that I could mention someone who passed decades ago and he would remember that person. This can be comforting to find shared things that you both remember together.

      I think that in times of stress it takes a deliberate effort to keep the connection alive and active. But I also think that this effort does not have to be elaborate or expensive. I have heard it said and found it helpful in my own life – take walks after dinner together. Key part- do it regularly. Talk about the day, talk about lost dreams, new dreams, wins and losses. Eh, talk about what is for dinner tomorrow night. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the repetition, you just keep taking walks together. It could be just a 15 minute walk- the duration does not matter as much as the repetition. Just as connections aren’t built in one day neither are re-connections. It takes time to build up connections, period. The critical part is that each of you show up to do this.

      1. Malarkey*

        Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the reminder to pick up some of the basics again! I love going on walks together and we used to sit down at night with tea to talk to each other. Stress and chores have cut into both of those but they’re worth prioritizing. I love the shared history we have, the many inside jokes, certain behaviors and choices of his that demonstrate love and tenderness. I think the minutiae of parenting and household management are clouding things in a tough way.

        1. Jay*

          Yes to all of that. It’s easy to get lost in the minutiae, especially these days when the pandemic has added extra layers of complexity and anxiety to everything, especially parenting. Whatever helps you feel connected is worth prioritizing.

          We sit down every Sunday to plan our shopping and meals for the week. When the kid was little, we did that after we dropped her at religious school. Coffee, cookbooks, calendars. In addition to keeping our food budget under control and giving us the chance to try new recipes, it helped us keep current on each others’ lives. He knew when I had a particularly long day coming up and I knew when he had his (very stressful) monthly check-in with his boss. The kid is grown and gone now, we’re both (mostly) retired and we still do the meal planning and calendar check, now usually on Sunday evenings since we shop on Monday mornings.

          When the pandemic hit and I was suddenly working from home full-time, we started having cocktails in the living room before dinner. It gave me a nice transition and a reason to completely shut down the computer (and also a reason not to go back to work afterwards since working after I’ve had a cocktail was a nonstarter). It’s become a lovely ritual part of our day and aside from feeling like we’ve become my grandparents I really love it.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Excellent question and great advice here, starting with your own contribution of connection, not correction. I want to share everything said so far with other current or former spousal caregivers! Note that the collective wisdom also applies anyone else helping other close friends or family through hard times. My summary is below.

      From Firefighter+(Metaphorical): Have a go-to conversation topic that both parties can enjoy as a break from Whatever Is the Current Trouble.

      From Jay: Focus on what’s most important (the relationship; the fact that you keep choosing to stay with it; food; paying bills) and what’s not (everything else). I recognized that staying was my choice and my commitment. I wasn’t trapped – even though there were days I felt that way.

      From fposte: Recognize when it’s most helpful to help in the way the other person wants–not in the way that you prefer. (This does not apply in extreme circumstances such as addiction, infidelity, abuse when the other person is stuck and wants only approval to continue their problem activity.)

      From NSNR: It helps when you and the other person share history, are equally commited to your relationship, and are willing to consistently spend time together doing something enjoyable. And that an “enjoyable” activity can be something very ordinary, like walking after dinner.

      From NSNR and also from me: YMMV. Each situation will be its own challenge. The bottom line is for each partner to to meet the challenge and maintain mutual respect. If the other person is unable to be an equal participant, try to get through the hard times without self-obliteration. It’s not always easy, so know your limits and when you have to call in help–or just stop trying. There’s no point in both of you being destroyed!

    6. Pool Lounger*

      Couples counseling, so we had a place we could really talk honestly, with a mediator to help us communicate better. Thinking of everything as “we” instead of “I” helps. Making sure we talk everyday, usually by eating dinner at the table and asking each other about the best and worst parts of our days. Physical touch—when upset, touch each other, look into the other person’s eyes. Hug and cuddle, remember the physical attraction and comfort. We both found Esther Perel’s coupkes therapy podcast helpful.

      1. Malarkey*

        We’ve been in individual and couples therapy for almost a year and it’s definitely better. I could hear his struggle and we spotted triggers for my anxiety. It just… life is still really hard right now and I have a hard time not resenting that I don’t have a full partner right now AND I am not sure when/if I ever will. :/

  14. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    Mine is Hocus Pocus 2 was a decent movie I think.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I was ending the week yesterday down in the dumps yet again, feeling isolated and my work forgotten and unvalued when I got an email out of the blue that I had won first place in a very small writing contest (it was on a very specific topic!). I had entered on a whim in June and forgotten about the whole thing for various reasons. It came with a small prize and it honestly made me feel so much better to see actual, measurable public response to something I had produced.

      3. Susie*

        I started a new knitting project today—a baby blanket. I love the yarn color and pattern the mom to be picked, so it will be a fun project.

        Right now, my kids are in bed and I’m watching some HGTV, drinking a beer from the brewery a friend is about to open, and working on the blanket. My introvert battery is getting recharged.

    3. English Rose*

      It was my birthday earlier this week, and someone I hadn’t heard from for ages reached out unexpectedly. It was so lovely to catch up with her.

    5. Cordelia*

      Strictly Come Dancing is back on TV in the UK! its called Dancing with the Stars, in the US and other places, I think – its the only reality show I watch, and I love it!

        1. English Rose*

          I love a good sequin! And just realised Great British Bake-off also back, so just binge-watched the first three.

    6. Firefighter+(Metaphorical)*

      I have new yarn! Made from recycled linen& cotton (mix d with new wool for stretch/softness) from a local sustainable clothing business I absolutely love.

    7. Irish Teacher*

      A couple of colleagues and I went out to lunch after work yesterday and had a good chat. September is always a busy time in schools and our school has big changes coming from next year – good ones but it meant a fair bit of planning and makes people even busier – so we hadn’t had much time to just chat and catch up with each other.

      The Irish budget was announced on Tuesday and while most of it doesn’t have any great impact on me personally, it’s generally good news all round (even the opposition seem to be struggling to find fault). Some of the best news includes free school books for primary school kids (I know that was the norm in most of the English speaking world anyway, but in Ireland, parents have always had to buy their kids’ school books), an end to hospital charges (which used to be up to a maximum of €800 a year), a reduction in college fees for those who have to pay them (from €3,000 a year down to €2,500, I think), an increase in the grant for the rest of the college student population, an increase of €12 on all social welfare payments and free contraception for women aged 16 to 30.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      The third Scholomance book.

      I like series that know they’ve told the story and end.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My puppy turned seven months old last weekend, and I took her into the grooming salon to get her nails done. When I told them it was her seven months’ birthday, they put a cheapo “Happy Birthday” scarf on her. I wanted her to be a scarf puppy, but every time we’d tried she’d started chewing on the scarf before we even got it on her, so we figured it was going to be a minute yet, but she was behaving with the Happy Birthday scarf! So we gave it a couple more days with the cheap scarf, and no chewing, and then we put on a proper bandana, and no chewing, so now I have a lovely (enormous) dark grey puppy meandering around my house with a bright cheerful yellow scarf on and it makes me happy :)

      (Also, she’s up to 75 pounds yesterday. !!! Probably 45-50 to go yet :) )

      1. fposte*

        As a horse person to whom “Derby” means exclusively horse racing, I find this at first glance a very amusing sentence. I’m picturing footballers galloping down a course with thoroughbreds hot on their heels.

        1. Madame Arcati*

          I understand (as a non-football fan) that the term derby is used for a match between two teams who are located close to each other geographically, like Liverpool and Everton. I’d guess the other half of a north London derby would be Tottenham?
          No idea how, if at all, it is related to horse racing – I assume the use of the term in America arises from the favour horse race, the Derby, which is run at Epsom race course.
          Epsom is of course also famous for Epsom salts aka magnesium sulphate which people put in the bath…the thing with English cultural references is sometimes you can go on forever…

          1. fposte*

            Yes, the US apparently seized on the Epsom Derby, changed the pronunciation, and made it the go-to term for prestige horse races. Now I’m wondering if an Earl of Derby ever attended an American Derby, undoubtedly getting his name mispronounced the entire time. (And Wikipedia tells me that hockey’s Stanley Cup is also named for an Earl of Derby. Guess they were promiscuous, sports-wise.)

                1. Madame Arcati*

                  I was about to ask the reverse – assume in the US it’s Durby?
                  Derby the city is also pronounced Darby in case anyone needs to know.

          2. londonedit*

            Yep, ‘darby’, and it is indeed usually used in football to mean a ‘local derby’; i.e. when two football clubs from the same town or city play each other. I don’t really want to talk about our derby yesterday (Manchester City v Manchester United) but interestingly we also count United/Liverpool as a derby because of the historic rivalry between the two teams.

    12. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Perfect fall weather this past week ao my partner & I went for not one but TWO glorious, day-long bike rides on rail-trail bike paths outside of the city where we live. The air was just crisp enough that you didn’t feel like you were going to die from heat exhaustion but also didn’t need to bundle up in lots of layers, and we saw about 30 turtles, 2 huge herons, 2 chipmunks, a true metric ton of squirrels, 1 groundhog, 1 small red-headed woodpecker, 1 mysterious bright blue bird with a rusty red belly, and a wild persimmon tree, which I’d never seen before. Absolute heaven.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Wow! Having only ever seen them in Disney movies, I didn’t realize what the real version looked like! But google images confirms your guess was correct. Thanks!

    13. Madame Arcati*

      I thought my central heating/hot water was on the blink (so I feared great inconvenience and a large repair bill). Turns out I’d accidentally switched the power to the boiler off (the switch is next to a rarely used light switch).
      So my small joy is that I’m an idiot, but an idiot with hot water and no fearsome expense payable to a boiler engineer…

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you would like a tip: you can get covers that go over switches you don’t want to flip, I have some that you unscrew the faceplate cover and put the faceplate cover screws through them before screwing them back in and some that attach to the screws magnetically and are really easy to move, depending on how much of a pain you want to make accessing the switch. (Mine are all on switches for switch-powered outlets that we don’t want to be switch-powered.)

        1. Madame Arcati*

          Honestly now I know what that switch is actually for (not had the house long) I’ll probably be ok, but that is a very good tip as I hadn’t heard of such things!

    15. Voluptuousfire*

      Turns out the sensitivity I had on one side of my mouth was a cavity in a wisdom tooth. I have to have it out next week, but I’m ok with that. It’s good to know that will likely take care of the issue.

    16. GoryDetails*

      The onset of cool fall weather after a very hot summer, with the beginnings of color on the foliage. (Took a day-trip to southern Vermont and saw lovely scenery – though I also wound up spending more time on dirt roads than I’d anticipated. Still worth it!)

      The delivery of the latest SakuraCo snack box of Japanese snacks: I’ve been getting them for over a year now, and still enjoy the variety (and occasional oddity) of the flavors and textures. May have to stop after this one (they are a bit pricy) but it’s always a small joy to see the new box.

      Oh, and I had the vicarious thrill of seeing a video of my sister and her husband unboxing the first copies of their new book! (Mentioned in more detail in the reading thread.)

    17. Jay*

      Went to my second choir rehearsal of the year. Love singing SO much. Also sang in shul for Rosh Hashanah.

      We went camping! First time in decades – maybe 30 years – and we had a good time. This was proof of concept for a bigger trip this spring and now we know we can do it without arguing and that the air mattress is comfy enough to sleep. Yay!

    18. Madame Arcati*

      Ooooh I though of another! I bought a really nice jacket, faux leather (hang on, they say vegan leather now right?!), unlined so suede-effect side inside and smooth side out, in a lovely mushroom colour. And it was from a charity shop supporting a local hospice charity, meaning I am reusing and as such am envirosmug, I have supported local good works, and it only cost £7.50!

    19. Rara+Avis*

      Had the day off on Monday. Dragged my kid out of the house for a short hike. We had the hills to ourselves (except for a passing coyote) under clear blue skies —and found a few geocaches.

    20. Kara Danvers*

      Hocus Pocus 2 was delightful!

      It’s very October-ish weather in New England today. I spent some time outside in nature, and now I’m home, sipping on tea. Good day :)

    21. Simple Things*

      I am finally able to take bubble baths again, since it has been four weeks since I had surgery (I was restricted to showers only). I didn’t realize how much my stress levels were lowered by semi-weekly tub time. I am so thankful to lie in hot eucalyptus-spearmint water for an hour.

    22. anxiousGrad*

      I ate reindeer stew with lingonberries for the first time yesterday and it was delicious!

    23. WoodswomanWrites*

      At the end of a Meetup hike I led today for the group I founded a few years ago, I received a surprise gift from one of the attendees. He went to his car and brought out me a beautiful landscape photo he’d taken on another hike I led for the group, large and ready for framing. I don’t know him well and it was completely unexpected. He just wanted to say thank you for leading hikes for our group. Such a kind thing to do. I’m going to frame it and display it for sure.

    24. Harriet Jacobs*

      Our high school has a “Unified” team which involves special needs students playing with general ed student “helpers”. I went to watch a soccer game and needed tissues. One of the Phys Ed teachers had built an extension to the front of one boy’s wheelchair so he could maneuver the ball (you really can find instructions for anything on YouTube). I don’t know who cheered more when he scored – his parents, the parents from the other team, his team, or the kids from the other team.
      Throughout the game there were so many examples of kids doing their best to help others. I came home glowing with happiness.

    26. slowingaging*

      Went on a short trip with friends to a bread store, book store, deli and brunch … all in one shopping area. I only allow myself to go there a maximum of once a month. It was fun bringing friends to one of my favorite places.

    27. Overeducated*

      I finally pulled the trigger on an expensive vintage household item I’ve had my eye out for a year or two. Saw one for sale yesterday at what I believe is a reasonable price (not a dealer, just a shopper), brought it home and put it in my living room, and I’m THRILLED.

  15. fashionchallenged*

    I have two 100% cotton dresses. I tried wearing synthetic tights and a primarily cotton spandex blend leggings under these and the dress fabric clings to my legs. I don’t want to buy a spray. Would adding a slip fix this? What material should it be made of?

    1. English Rose*

      Well I’ve never tried this (I don’t wear dresses) but a friend swears by using ordinary hairspray to spray on her tights. Of course if you don’t use hairspray that would still mean buying some.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I used to do that and it does work! That was with the kind of cheap and nasty supermarket mega-hold cement hairspray that could keep nanna’s beehive in place during a tornado though, so not sure if it’d work as well with the fancy newfangled organic vegan silk-soft brush-out nourishing sea kelp and butterfly essence sprays on the shelves these days.

        1. fashionchallenged*

          Thank you English Rose for the tip and what a great reply Cat Memes! I’ve heard about hairspray but one of my concerns is – would your legs become sticky? I guess it “dries” and then is OK?

          1. Expiring Cat Memes*

            I never had an issue with stickiness – you only need a very light touch of the spray.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Yep! That’s part of what they’re for! They can make a huge difference in how fabric lies.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      Are the cotton dresses thin or sturdy fabric? All I know is that whenever I’ve had a mismatch creating static like this there’s little to be done and you have to switch one of the items. I’ve tried the safety pin thing, hairspray, water spray etc. I’ve also tried slips with such limited success I gave up because eventually all three things cling together. Haven’t tried the dryer sheets thing though, or the special anti static spray. It seems to be worse with very thin flowing fabrics though so you might have some luck if it’s a sturdier material. I would probably also try 100pc cotton leggings and tights if you have any of those. Since I started wearing cotton tights I don’t have this issue, but I also avoid buying thin skirts now so I can’t say for sure. Possibly they are bare leg weather dresses?

      1. fashionchallenged*

        One is lightweight cotton so on the thin side, the other is medium weight cotton – much heavier than the other but still the same problem! The thin one definitely is more for warm weather. The other is too heavy for hot days so I’ve saved it for the cooler months. This is a frustrating problem I wasn’t aware of at all! I always see people in photos wearing leggings or tights under dresses and never thought there would be any issue, but you’re probably right that those dresses are thicker cold weather dresses. Darn! Maybe I will try sewing a thin cotton lining layer into the thin dress. The problem I immediately see with slips is that I would need different lengths depending on the length of the dress and I don’t really want a collection of slips! Do you have any brand recommendations for 100 pc cotton leggings/tights? I’ve looked in the past but usually there is at least some spandex blended in, I suppose to help keep the shape.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Yeah I could never get slip legnth right. The tights of choice at the moment are a John Lewis brand 64% Cotton, 33% Polyamide, 3% Elastane. I’ve had similar luck with merino wool where the cotton element should be. I can’t go back to regular tights because although these tights are less ultra stretchy, they stay put far better in terms of gusset slippage. You just have to get the leg length/size right. Falke make a similar type of tights.

            1. Ellis Bell*

              So, my polymer chemist partner tells me that polyamide is just nylon. So nylon seems to be getting the thumbs up.

              1. fashionchallenged*

                Thank you! I will check out those brands. My tights are so old that while I’m sure they are some kind of synthetic fiber, I am not sure if it is nylon or polyester. I do have a merino blend leggings somewhere so I will try that and I will find something definitively nylon based to try as well.

          2. Very Social*

            I’m another lover of cotton tights–thanks for the brand recommendations. At 5’0″ I have some difficulty finding ones that fit right, and my favorites are wearing out and no longer sold! The Falke ones look good, though yikes, with those prices I hope they last twenty years.

        2. Reba*

          You will need a slippery fabric for the skirt lining, not cotton! Cotton will not solve your problem here, which is that the fabrics aren’t sliding past each other (this is what I think is happening based on experience, not static cling but the actual fabric textures. If it is truly static then feel free to ignore)

          Acetate, viscose, polyester, rayon, and silk for the fancy are commonly used lining fabrics. Sometimes in the shop they have a section labeled “lining fabric”!

          1. fashionchallenged*

            You may be right. I am not sure if this is static or not – I am leaning toward what you’re saying about friction. It’s fine standing in front a mirror, which is how I got all the way to work without realizing the problem then had to turn around and go home to change! When walking, the fabric seizes up – this is the best way I can explain – like chocolate seizes when it touches water – and it gets really scrunched up and stuck to my legs and refuses to just hang straight down like it is supposed to. I will do some experimenting! Thank you for listing the different textile alternatives for lining.

    4. mimi*

      Do you use fabric softener when you wash tights/leggings/other synthetics? In my experience it cuts down the static.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      My best slip is made of anti static nylon tricot. I bought the fabric online from Sew Sassyand made the slip with cheap picot lingered elastic.

      1. fashionchallenged*

        I saw this trick online but I can’t bring myself to do it because it sounds messy! Thank you for the tip. I will think about it!

        1. MJ*

          You don’t need a lot of lotion. I use a small amount (less than a dime in size), rub my palms together briefly to spread it out, then run my hands lightly down my legs.
          Think of it more as layering on a microscopically thin barrier of lotion rather than saturating the leggings/tights.

          1. fashionchallenged*

            Ok interesting! I might try this! Thank you! Do you need to reapply or once before you leave the house does the trick?

    7. Sooda Nym*

      If you use dryer fabric softener sheets, try rubbing one of those all over your tights after you put them on. Sort of the same principle as the spray, different application method.

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I have tried everything antistatic but basically have discovered that I just can’t wear tights with an unlined skirt/dress. Slips help a little but no real guarantee for me because if there’s even a few inches down near the knees that the slip doesn’t cover, everything will get all weird there. I have enough basic sewing skills to add linings to my skirts that don’t have them, but it’s boring work, so I mostly just bid a fond farewell to my unlined skirts in the winter.

      1. fashionchallenged*

        Thank you for sharing! Now I know I’ll have to have the length extend the full length of these skirts – what a drag. I might make some slips from the nylon tricot recommended above if I can find the time and try that. If I had known that static cling was going to be an issue – yes, it gets really weird on the leg area, all scrunched up and clinging, yikes – I would have bought pants!

    9. Madame Arcati*

      Microfibre waist slip ftw. They are inexpensive and easy to get in black/white/nude and seem to last well. What is the US equiv of Marks & Spencer?! That’s the sort of source I’d recommend.

      1. fashionchallenged*

        The US equiv is probably H&M and Zara now? Although they are not American companies. I will look into this! It would help me out to be able to buy one already made although the Sew Sassy Nylon Tricot mentioned above looks like a good potential solution and made in USA. Thank you!

  16. English Rose*

    How to make friends as an adult – any advice?
    Over the past few years my band of friends has become smaller – people have moved away, a couple of deaths, shared interests have waned etc.
    I still keep in touch with people who have moved away, and Covid has made us all used to Zoom calls. But I long for a small core group of local friends just to hang out with. Basically, I realise I’m lonely. I’m single, but not looking for a life partner particularly, frienship is more important.
    It feels strange and artificial to be looking to make new friends in my 60s, and I’m not sure where to start. Has anyone else had this experience?
    I’m single, female, based in the UK, in a small city.

    1. Puffle*

      I’m in my 30s, but in a similar situation apart from that (single, female, small city in UK). My friendship groups have waned over the last few years, and while I’m a member of a few local clubs and I’ve joined various Meetup groups, I really struggle to get beyond ‘friendly acquaintance’ or find people to hang out with beyond the parameters of the club/ group.

      I’m not sure I have any useful advice, mostly just commiseration! I’m trying to put more effort into reconnecting with people, and Meetup groups do have the advantage that there’s almost always something social going on that I can take part in, but it’s hard going

    2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I started volunteering, going to whatever events on Eventbrite sounded interesting, got involved in local politics, and that kind of thing. I still don’t have a group of friends like you mean but I certainly know a lot more people locally than I used to.

      1. Asenath*

        I’d agree with this. I have very few friends that hang out together – I’ve never been very sociable, although I do value the ones I have, even if they no longer live here. But I deliberately chose to add on small activities that interest me so that I meet some people. I usually choose local volunteer activities, but during COVID I signed up for any online activities or presentations that sounded remotely interesting – generally free, offered by local interest groups.

    3. Astoria*

      The Meetup app has been extremely helpful for me in meeting new friends and/or groups that share my interests. It is apparently available in the UK.

      1. English Rose*

        Thank you all and I’d forgotten about MeetUp – just checked and there are a few things that look interesting.
        I was also just reflecting, maybe coming at this from the perspective of ‘making friends’ is the wrong emphasis. Maybe it’s more about involvement in interesting things, plus ‘giving back’ (I know how corny that sounds) in terms of volunteering, with friends as a hopeful added extra.

        1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

          Good outlook! I recently moved to a different state in the US, and joined several meet up groups based on my interests and my desire to explore the new area. I went in just hoping to have fun times at the meetups and if I met people for just that day, or as potential friends, that was a huge bonus. and I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve clicked with a few people in one meetup group and we’ve become actual friends (in that we text outside of meetup and hang out outside of meetup, but still do meetup things as well!). Good luck and have fun!

        2. londonedit*

          I’m going to suggest parkrun. Free, timed 5k events at 9am in parks and other open spaces all over the UK every Saturday morning. And before you say no, not for me, I’m not a runner – parkrun is for absolutely everyone. There’s a tail walker every week whose job it is to walk at the very back, so it’s physically impossible to ‘come last’, and in fact this month there’s a ‘parkwalk’ initiative to encourage more people to just get out and walk the 5k. People run, jog, walk, do a combination of all three, bring a dog, bring a buggy, they just do their thing. And even if walking 5k doesn’t appeal, you can just volunteer. They need course marshals, people to hand out finishing tokens, people to scan barcodes at the end (that’s how you get your finishing time if you take part – you have a personal barcode and a finish barcode and they’re both scanned and matched up), and they need people to sort the finish tokens into order after the event. People go for coffee after the event, you see the same people most weeks, and it’s really easy to get chatting to people and to become a regular face at your local parkrun. It’s a fantastic way to meet people, and if you volunteer then you’re absolutely giving something back to the community by helping everyone to enjoy getting out on a Saturday morning.

          1. English Rose*

            You know, I’ve heard all about Parkrun, but never thought about doing one, but you’re right, that might be a really good idea… thank you

    4. fposte*

      I like the suggestions you’ve got; I’d also add the possibility of looking over friend prospects already in your life who are suitable for development. The odd “Oh, they seem nice” person can be suitable for an “I’m having lunch in your area” overture, or the person you always meant to get together with can get an “Okay, maybe we can find time to do this.” I would also strongly encourage a broad generational focus–it’s really nice to have friends of different ages.

      1. English Rose*

        Like this idea, and a couple of work colleagues immediately come to mind. And I completely agree about the importance of different age groups. Thank you.

      2. EJ*

        yes! my BFF was an acquaintance who invited me to her house to visit one day and we spent hours chatting there. I agree that the step to extend an invitation can be daunting, but something needs to happen to allow a friendship to develop from an acquaintance type relationship. good luck

    5. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      If you have the time and energy, have you considered starting a small book club/crafting group/gaming night/walking meetup? Pick a day of the week, source a location that works for you (either host at home if you’re ok with that, or else find a local cafe that would enjoy the extra business on a weeknight, or ask at your local library if they have space that can be reserved for community events); make some cute flyers to post around town; hope for the best!

    6. Jay*

      I joined a choir. I wasn’t looking for friends specifically – I love to sing. I’ve made one really good friend and have a large group of friendly acquaintances and regular social events outside of rehearsals. It’s a lot of fun. This is our first season fully back since the pandemic and it makes me so happy!

      I have also accepted that I’m the one who reaches out to most of my friends and we’re the house that hosts things. I have some theories about why this is – we have one kid who is living completely on her own a long way away and many of our friends still have kids at home and/or have kids who continue to require fairly intensive parenting into their 20s. We don’t have caring responsibilities for our parents, and many of our friends do. My husband is allergic to cats and most of our friends have cats, so even if they invite is, we end up asking them to relocate here. It bugged me for a while and now it doesn’t. I have the social life I want, my friends seem to genuinely enjoy my company, and we have a good time when people come here. I’d love it if there was some grown-up version of the student center where I could go hang out and run into people – that’s the much-vaunted “third space” and we don’t really have that around here.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        Seconding. I’m a bit younger than you but in my choir there is an age range with plenty your age, and it’s very friendly. If you want to say which small city (and I absolutely get it if you don’t!) I could probably find you one as a starter for ten, especially if you are in the south; I do the Twitter account for my choir and we follow/are followed by lots of other choirs and choral-adjacent types.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        “I have also accepted that I’m the one who reaches out to most of my friends”

        I am also that person and for the longest time, it bothered me because I wondered if I might be pestering people who really didn’t want to spend time with me.

        But then one day, a woman who is one of the coolest people I know and whose friendship I treasure – but whom I see almost only when I initiate it – said, “Thank you so much for being an inviter. I never think of doing things but I am always so happy when you do and when you ask me to do them with you.”

        1. Jay*

          Yes! I had someone say something like that to me recently and it was so affirming.

          I’ve also realized that people think I’m busy and that my life is full and assume I will be too busy or not interested in them. This is not true (well, I am kinda busy…) and it helped me understand that people’s decisions are about them, not about me.

      3. English Rose*

        I love the choir idea, but I’m not musical. I know lots of people say they can’t sing, but I really can’t! Great advice though, and also really interesting what you say about being the inviter, and what @Texan in Exile says about it below. Thank you.

    7. MissCoco*

      I’m cheating currently, because I’m in a professional program which makes it much easier, but this also worked when I was single in a new city in my 20s.
      If I think someone seems cool or like they could be a friend, I ask them to do something. I know it sounds obvious, but reaching out can be hard for me to talk myself into.

      Also doing a weekly class or activity group were good ways for me to spark conversations and find those potential friends to “ask out”.

      I’ll second broad generational groups as well, some of my good friends when I was first living in that city were women in their 50s-80s who I met through a pilates class. After a few months of classes it seemed like everyone was really clicking and I asked a couple people if they’d want to get drinks after class sometime, and over a couple years, it became a big part of my social life.

    9. Lifeandlimb*

      The Power of Thrift has a blog post called “How To Make Friends” where she outlines how she made friends as an adult living in a foreign country.

    10. always making friends*

      I’m in my late 30s, no partner, no kids. I’ve been thinking lately that growing up, I expected to make friends for life. And that’s not really the case. There’s always ebb and flow in friendships, some move, some get married, some drift away, and I always have to be making new friends.

      For me this was an encouraging realization, since it helped me realize that I hadn’t somehow failed as an adult by not having more permanent friends; this is just the way of things. I share in case it’s encouraging to you.

    11. Junior Dev*

      Try a few meetup groups and try to find one or two you can attend weekly for a few months. Sometimes it takes a while to warm up to people. When you do go, introduce yourself to people. If you see anyone standing or sitting alone, say hi to them and ask how they’re doing. Remember that everyone at that group has chosen to leave the house and go to a setting where people socialize; don’t worry about bothering people by approaching them.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Oh and you might not make friends right off—try and think in terms of more incremental successes like remembering someone’s name and asking them about something they mentioned last time.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Are you musical? Maybe there’s a choir or city band or orchestra you could join? Or is there some other hobby you like that has local groups?

      The thing you need most for making friends organically is lots of shared time together in a low-pressure environment. Any hobby group with frequent rehearsals or meetings might work.

    14. Nitpicker*

      Coincidentally, the New York Times has a piece on this right now. You can read it online. They have a paywall but I think you get some free articles before you have to sign up.

    15. Chris in Scotland*

      Do you enjoy dancing? The Royal Scottish Country Dance Society has branches all over the UK and beyond. I’ve found that to be friendly, fun and good exercise mentally as well as physically. Many people go by themselves; there’s no need to go with a partner.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m in a similar situation, but in the US. I have had some success (yay!) with being active in my local garden club and other groups. When I meet someone I seem to “click” with, I screw up all my courage and ask if they want to go do something together. Go for a walk, hit a new shop or a farmer’s market or something low key.
      The screwing up my courage is the hardest part for sure! But so worth it.

  17. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

    Genealogy nerds assemble!

    I’ve been fascinated by my family’s history for something going on 40 years now after my grandparents showed me old photographs or mentioned things about their ancestry (including a few famous historical figures).

    Over the years, however, I’ve found that I’m far more interested in the long-forgotten details in the lives of the “ordinary” people I’ve found in my family tree through my research. It really helps that the regional and national archives of my adopted country — where I have roots — are surprisingly thorough over the course of two or three centuries, so I can trace the movements of several of my ancestors from parish to parish throughout their lives.

    Some of the best small nuggets include finding out that my great-great-grandfather lived and worked just a few blocks from my own [place we don’t talk about on weekends], where he was living the day he took what became our family name (and an advertisement in the paper of record at the time stating he’d done so), and finding his father’s military record where it states he got busted for sneaking off his croft with a buddy from the next village over and going into town to drink.

    Any others out there who’ve been bitten by the family history bug? What are some of the small but interesting details you’ve dug up?

    1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      Oh, I should add this one: the same branch of the family had a Bible where names and dates were duly recorded, and in it are two photographs of people that none of the old folks recognized. Based on my research through these same archives, I’ve been able to positively identify the people in one photograph and make a real strong guess as to the other.

    2. English Rose*

      Oh yes I love those small details. I’ve been able to go back several generations on my mum’s side. I found a news item that one of my 3rd or 4th great-uncles had been a horse cab driver in London and had been convicted for “furious driving”. And another had been a textile worker convicted of machine breaking when the industry was threatened by increased automation.

      But oh the frustration of not being able to find those missing links – I’m currently researching my grandmother’s oldest brother. Grandmother is long dead but she never spoke of him and I’ve lately wondered why. I have birth date and have traced him to age 26 but after that, nada, every search is a dead end!

      1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        “[A]nother had been a textile worker convicted of machine breaking when the industry was threatened by increased automation.”

        Ooh, a Luddite! Nifty! I have a Chartist a few generations back – a kind of radical working-class activist in the days before Karl Marx broke onto the scene.

        1. Madame Arcati*

          I am now having flashbacks to high school history and feel the need to express that all the demands of the Chartists are now in place except one (general elections annually). *gives self a gold star and wanders off to see if anyone wants to know why the north west had loads of cotton mills run by Quakers*

      2. EvilQueenRegina*

        My dad had something similar – he’d found out quite late in life that his grandmother had been married to someone else before his grandfather, and they had a child. When my aunt told him that, it made sense of a time when he’d told his grandmother about this girl he’d met at some party, and she’d said “That’s your cousin”. He eventually tried to research his unknown uncle but had never managed to trace him (I think the question arose at some point over whether this uncle was going by a middle name, and Dad had no idea what first name he might have been registered under).

      3. Juneybug*

        Same thing here! I have two younger half-sisters (same dad) who found me via genealogy search. Had one of the sisters not reached out to me, I would have never known they existed (my parents were long divorced with no contact from bio-dad).
        One sister became one of my best friends (we can tell each other anything!). I have visit her three times over the last five years. She’s amazing and I am so glad she did the research.
        The other sister, who harbors grudges against our bio-dad (understandable as he’s a terrible person), does not want a relationship as it’s too much of a reminder of her awful childhood. I can respect that.

    4. Inkhorn*

      I found an old newspaper item about my great-great-grandfather and a dead cow.

      It wasn’t his cow – he found it, already deceased, close to the local schoolyard. Worried that it might pose a health hazard to the children, he took it away and destroyed it … then sent the local council a bill for 1 pound for services rendered.

      The council, after due deliberation, paid him ten shillings.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I got into family genealogy in a casual way – I was content with secondary/tertiary sources, which are far from gospel! – when my sister had her first kid, and found some interesting things, though for the most part our people seem to have been relatively boring: farmers, small business owners, teachers, very few dramatic incidents… Oh, we did have one ancestor who became governor of Michigan. (pause for dramatic reactions. Um… okay then! {grin})

      That branch of the family migrated from New England across to California by stages/generations, so the birth locations and death locations are often wildly separate. Indeed, all the family seems to have a tendency to scatter; careers in the military or in oil-well surveying helped, but at this point my immediate family from great-grandparents to niblings lived on the east coast, west coast, and deep South.

      By contrast, a friend who’s a professional genealogist found that her family seldom strayed from New England and most of them stayed within city limits – quite the contrast. (I envy their distant relationship to the now-infamous Lizzie Borden; much more interesting than my lot!)

      1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        Heh… got deep New England roots on both sides of the family. Dollars to doughnuts your friend and I are related somehow.

    6. Zephy*

      I haven’t personally gone on a genealogy deep-dive, but my mom has gotten into her family history recently. She was adopted as a toddler, and early in the pandemic (when she presumably had nothing better to do than chat with folks on Facebook, I guess), a friend of hers offered to help her locate her birth records, which led to tracking down her birth mom. My biological grandmother was still alive at that time, and my mom found her and got to meet her, along with a couple of half-sisters. “Grandma J” unfortunately passed away before I got to meet her myself, but Mom got a lot of good information from her before that, especially in regards to family medical history, which was the original impetus for wanting to look into this stuff (my mom is approaching 60 and her kids are grown now, she felt it was important for all of us to know if we had family risk factors for stuff like breast cancer and the like).

      She’s since gone down the ancestry.com/23andme/etc rabbit hole, and has found more half-siblings and learned more about her biological father. He died young (in the late 1980s, so he would probably have been in his 40s or 50s), of an unspecified cancer from what she could find, but he also had a son with another woman born 9 months almost to the day after my mom was born, so, you know, I’m betting he wasn’t exactly a clean-living kind of guy. I don’t live near her so I get all of this New Old Family Lore secondhand when she calls, but my God I bet some of my half-aunts and uncles have some Stories.

    7. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I love my scofflaw ancestors. They weren’t usually important enough to be famous, but some of them were locally infamous. There were the mother-daughter-granddaughter trio tried (and acquitted) for witchcraft in New England (the daughter twice!), the father-in-law of the middle one who took up with a floozie and tried to bring her back to his puritanucal town, the great-several-times-geandmother who, with some of her adult children, went on a marauding produce-stealing binge in the middle of the night, another one who was punished for living with a man not her husband, a great×7-grandfather who was too friendly with loyalists during the revolution, another of about the same era who slacked off assigned citizen duties … I seem to come from long lines of people who had “Screw You” as their mottos. The well-behaved ones, as the saying implies, did not make history, and they are just birth-married-died dry statistics. But I find that even discovering a nickname humanizes people from the past – so my Maria Magdalena suddenly becomes more approachable when she shows up as Molly in paperwork.

    8. Rara+Avis*

      My great-aunt and mom have both done a lot of genealogy. Here’s the best story: my sister-in-law has a distinctive family name. Her mother possesses a kind of quilt chart showing the generations bearing that name. She wanted to add her daughter and granddaughter to the quilt but doesn’t quilt herself, so asked my mother to help. My mom is reading up the generations and finds a name she recognizes— turns out my brother married his 13th cousin.

      1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        A few years ago I discovered my parents were seventh cousins… which only got weirder when that same ancestor turned up in the family tree of a woman I was dating at the time (another expat over here). Turns out she and I are eleventh cousins in two different ways.

    9. Helvetica*

      I used to do genealogy/family research a lot, with my grandfather on my mother’s side. He discovered that in the 1880s, his – our – ancestor was born 3 years after his mother had been a widower. And an apparently charitable pastor seemed to have looked the other way and recorded the child as from that marriage, and therefore as legitimate.

      Also discovered myself by reading old newspapers that my great-grandfather had been a POW (not in the US), as he had been fighting for our country’s independence. He was released. In a twist of fate, two decades later, after my country was occupied, he vehemently supported the new occupying power, which was completely antithetical to his previous activities. My grandmother, his daughter, had no idea about the POW thing, and we suspect that his later life was desperate attempt to not be caught and arrested for his views.

    10. The OG Sleepless*

      My brother inadvertently solved a century-old mystery in our family, the identity of our great-grandfather. He was the son of my great-grandmother’s employer, and when my grandfather was 3 years old he hopped a train to the opposite corner of the country and changed his name. Her family followed him on the train and tried to force him to come home and make an “honest woman” of her, and somebody got shot in the melee. My great-grandmother apparently never told a single soul, and somehow the secret never got out.

    11. ThatGirl*

      My own family isn’t incredibly interesting, but after my husband’s grandma died we learned some dark and fascinating info about her bio father. First we heard one story, then discovered that wasn’t quite true. Long story short he was an actual Chicago Outfit mobster and served time for murder.

    12. slowingaging*

      In a old Christmas card box, price tag 50c. My parents ssn cards with their current address in 1952. .. which I didn’t know. Same box, a letter from my Mom’s boss from 2000 saying how much she was appreciated. So interesting.

  18. Taking the long way round*

    The triumvirate of an autism diagnosis, my dad’s death, and the menopause descending upon me within 12 months, has tipped me over the edge into a mid-life crisis of immense proportions.
    I’m realising who I am (late in the day, hence the name), which is good, but…
    I’m on my own, no kids, and very few friends bc I find it difficult to make and maintain them.

    Any stories of mid-life success, love, health, happiness, friendship, standing up for yourself, new hobbies?
    Especially if you’re a woman going through the menopause or on the other side of it, much appreciated :)

    1. Stellar's Jay*

      I am in peri-menopause and both of my parents passed away a long time ago, so I meet some of your criteria. For me, the hardest part of these events is the fixed permanence of losing parents to death, and losing familiarity and comfort with your own body processes. Add in your autism diagnosis and you are going through so much change and loss. Are you seeing a therapist? Having a supportive person to help you work through grief and anxiety may help.

      I am 55, married with adult kids, and lonely. At our age people may change in ways that are not positive for them. I am trying to remain focused on healthy activities for my body and mind and I am trying to make new friends too. I have gone to a few board game meet ups, and they are good because you have an activity and a topic of conversation to focus on. Have you tried the Meet Up app/website? I have a note on my phone that reminds me of things I enjoy doing and should do more of: walking in the woods, birdwatching, reading, trying new restaurants. I know I can build a better life for myself if I just keep taking small steps forward.

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Thank you. I’m not seeing a counsellor at the moment but I have access to one. I think I’ll go back soon. The point about losing bodily familiarity along with a parent is very pertinent.
        I’m sorry for your loss.

    2. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      I’m so sorry, that is a lot all at once! Losing my dad left me very unthethered for quite a while, but now I’m able to sit with the loss much less painfully. It gets better.

      I can’t speak to menopause yet, but I have a complex chronic illness that toys with me the way my mom’s menopause messed with her, so I can empathize about the uncertainty of body/health changes. It’s stressful to not know how you will feel on any given day, or if you can accomplish the things on your list.

      Regarding the autism diagnosis, I’ve been listening to a new podcast called The Loudest Girl in the World, in which the host, a reporter, describes getting her diagnosis in her 40s. Her experience might help, or at least be a fun listen?

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Thank you so much for that recommendation. I’ll give it a listen. Best wishes.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Any chance your user name is related to The Chicks’ song of the same title?

      Sending you solidarity and good wishes. (My circumstances are somewhat different, but I’ve also had a Lot of Changes in the past, say, eighteen months.) My best advice is to reach out for new activities while also honoring your own self and your preferred ways of doing things. It also helps if you can keep your home comfortable for yourself and maybe for occasional visitors. (Housekeeping standards can be personal! I’m not saying you have to keep things immaculate as per a magazine article or home-staging-for-house-selling.)

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Yes! it is from the D-Chicks’ song of the same name :)
        Thanks for the recommendations. I had a look at MeetUps and have joined the waiting list for a walk next weekend so we’ll see how it goes.
        I’ve been thinking of joining a choir actually. I had an appointment to visit one before the plague, then I got ill so couldn’t go, then lockdown happened! This is a good excuse for returning to that idea.

        1. OtterB*

          Late response. I didn’t have the triple whammy like you did, but I joined a barbershop chorus about 10 years ago now when I was ready for something new and it has been great. It was moving outside my comfort zone, getting some right-brain activity in when my work is all left-brain, and it has been a source of some good friends.

          Book recommendation: Improv Wisdom, by Patricia Ryan Madson. It talks about applying some of the principles of improv theater to life in general, and to remaking your life. I found it really helpful.

    4. Generic+Name*

      I left an abusive marriage in my late 30s and later met and married the love of my life at age 40. I recently got a big promotion at work (reporting to executive level management), and my confidence has generally skyrocketed since I turned 40.

    5. Madame Arcati*

      My dad died a couple of years ago, I am in my forties, I have no kids (that’s just the way life turned out) and although I am in a relationship we don’t live together and no plans to do so.
      I find it helpful to remind myself that just because “everyone” does certain things in a certain way (spoiler alert – they don’t) doesn’t mean my life is the less because I don’t. At the risk of being a bit Pollyanna; I like to think of the positives; I bought this house all by myself and I can have things just how I like. I do things I like to do (such as hobbies – I sew, quilt, sing in a choir, do the gardening ineptly…) without inconveniencing anyone else or reneging on responsibilities. I contribute to society via my job and am valued there.
      You don’t need to value or assess yourself in terms of your relationship to others; you yourself are enough.

      1. Taking the long way round*

        I find it helpful to remind myself that just because “everyone” does certain things in a certain way (spoiler alert – they don’t) doesn’t mean my life is the less because I don’t.

        Oof this hit me hard. You’re very right. That will take some time to process the implications of that. Thank you.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I feel for you, Taking the long way round. Parents are dead, and I’m mostly menopausal, a cancer survivor, single and childless not by choice and thinking, “Is this all there is?” And the pandemic hasn’t helped.

      But in many ways, I am better than I have ever been. I was patient enough to wait and re-connect with my old friends whom I’d lost a bit when their kids were young and they were very busy, and now we’re in better contact. I finally got a regular slate of doctors who help me be more on top of my health. I care less about having to have everyone like me, and cutting down on the people pleasing has helped me to say no more often and to feel less guilt. Before the pandemic, in my late 40s-early 50s, I re-connected with playing an instrument in a musical group and made a lot of great friends and acquaintances of all ages (though covid has put a damper on that) and got a GREAT deal of joy from the experience. I stopped pining for my exes to love me in the way that I wanted but that wasn’t going to happen, and now I have excellent relationships with them — like, I’m able to accept them for who they are and appreciate what we do have without obsessing about what we don’t have. I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s okay if a friendship ends and that I don’t have to “fix” it, even if I don’t like it. I take a lot of things less personally now. I’ve learned that my [place we don’t talk about on the weekends] doesn’t really give a damn whether I live or die, which sucks, but which has helped me develop a better [thing we don’t talk about on the weekends]-life balance without feeling guilty. I get a surprising amount of pleasure from calling my aunts and catching up with them.

      And if you had asked me six or seven years ago, I could never have predicted any of this. I’ve had a couple of crises myself over the years where I couldn’t imagine anything pleasant in my future, but it has always worked out in the end.

      Very best of luck on your journey — I wish you great joy and many pleasant surprises and experiences as you move forward.

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Thank you so much for saying this. I do sometimes think “there must be more than this”, which gets me down, but I do believe that it’ll work out for the best in the end.
        It’s the going through it that’s tough, but I do very much like how you framed it.

    7. Anon-E-Mouse*

      A few months before my 50th birthday, I decided I needed to get involved with animal rescue – something I’d thought about for a long time but didn’t think my heart could handle. At the same time, I decided to learn how to use a good camera, in preparation for a 50th birthday trip of a lifetime.

      After spending all my life thinking I was just a “words” person (I’m a lawyer) with no experience in visual arts (I don’t see very well), I learned that I had a gift for photography. I became fascinated by the practice, studied as much as I could and started volunteering with animal rescue groups as a photographer as well as caregiver.

      Soon, that led me to question my values and behavior. How could I say that I loved animals when I was caring for some (eg dogs and cats( but supporting the exploitation of others (ie farm animals). A trip to a farm sanctuary for ly 50th birthday led to the commitment to go vegan and to use photography to advocate for animals.

      My life was transformed almost overnight.

      I continued working on my photography and within a few years was exhibiting my work in juried shows. One series won a national “Peoples’ Choice” award and became part of a 9-city tour that was seen by hundreds of thousands of people (because it took place in large city parks). A book publisher approached me and I got a contract to publish the work as a book, too.

      Even more important than the impact I’ve had with my photography is the relationships I’ve made through coursework, connections with other photographers and with an international community of animal rescuers and advocates.

      (PS – All this happened while navigating peri-menopause.)

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Oh wow that’s absolutely fantastic!
        Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me :)

    8. Weegie*

      I have exactly the same life circumstances as you, but a little older and further down the path. Losing my dad was very hard, as we were close. I, too, struggle to make and maintain friendships – but those I do have are good ones. The key for me is having a job that suits me (it took a few years to get there!), living in a place that works for me (small, quiet town, but in reach of a city with lots of amenities and opportunities), and having hobbies that stimulate me, some of which are solo and absorb me, and some that give me opportunities to make friends. I have found that if I don’t ‘gel’ with one group or another, it’s best to give up that activity. I find that walking groups are good, as they allow for lots of chats with different people throughout the walk. It’s definitely a process, and often a long one, to find a place in a community. Find out where the interesting people are in yours, and join in with whatever they’re doing – having a specific activity, task or interest to focus on with others has really worked for me.

      1. Taking the long way round*

        Oh I’ve just joined a walking group on MeetUp.
        Thanks so much for what you said – you’ve given me some much needed hope.

    9. Taking the long way round*

      Thank you so much for your responses, you’ve all given me lots of food for thought and made me realise that I am not alone, which has been very helpful in what has been quite a difficult weekend. Thank you.

    10. LittleMarshmallow*

      I don’t necessarily have advice since I’m not quite at menopause yet… buuuuut, I’m 38, female, no kids (and not likely to have any), no spouse/SO, unsure of sexuality, and lost my mother about 16 years ago. It’s a weird time of life because you get to a point where you know that certain “experiences of adulthood” aren’t going to happen for you. I’m in the process of learning to be ok with that and even more… learning not to care what others think of it. I’m fortunate to have a parent left that doesn’t pressure me to do life differently (although his wife is endlessly judgy about it). He knows that child bearing/rearing isn’t for everyone and I have situations that would potentially make it risky. He knows that it’s ok to live your whole life single.

      Finding friends is hard! Mine sadly are mostly from work although I love them dearly! But I found some really dear ones through hobbies too. The fiber art community (knitting, crocheting, spinning, Felting, weaving) and the quilting community are both tons of fun! Lots of private shops have open crafting times and classes where you can bond with people. If you have the desire to learn any of these I highly recommend. You don’t have to do them perfectly to enjoy them. I don’t know where you live but nature based hobbies (rock hounding, mushrooming, hiking, bird or butterfly watching) or other domestic hobbies (cooking, baking, garment making, gardening, woodworking) are theoretically fun too! Heck, try glass blowing! Check your local community Ed program for classes for hobbies. Go alone or take a friend! There can be a lot of freedom in not taking a traditional adult journey. Embrace it guilt free!

  19. PsychNurse*

    I have a question about this site general. It is the norm on AskAManager that nobody gives any details that are even remotely specific. Like, I would be interested to hear what country you’re in– but nobody ever says “We live in Sweden.” They say “We live in a country where English is not the primary language.” Or if someone is asking a work question, they say “I work in a very large and somewhat prestigious industry” rather than “I work in investment banking.” Anybody have any insight into why? (Obviously I know people are trying to avoid getting identified by their coworkers, but naming an industry or a country wouldn’t do that, so there must be more to it.)

    1. Octavia*

      I can’t speak for the OP, but I do this across the internet, not just on AAM. One specific detail like profession or country may not be identifying, but those facts in combination with others that come up in discussion might be (or on other places where someone may use the same user name). Even writing style can “out” someone – famous case is Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman.

      Just my two cents.

    2. RagingADHD*

      1) Paranoia and poor risk assessment. Often the people who believe that they are obscuring their internet footprint are actually leaving a far more identifiable trail than they realize because they are bad at assessing which details are identifiable.

      2) Avoiding derailing or insulting commentary. You can pick any country, industry, or job, and there will be someone with a negative opinion about it that has nothing to do with your question. And they just itching to tell you how awful the place you live / work is.

      Actually, it’s still derailing if the opinions are positive. It’s not helpful if you ask a substantive question and just get a string of “I love Sweden, it’s so beautiful!”

      “I’ve always wanted to visit! I saw a Swedish person on TV once!”

      “As a Swede, do you know if Swedish Fish were invented there?”

      “Don’t call people Swedes, that’s a vegetable. The preferred term is Swedish person or person from Sweden.”

      “No, that’s not a thing, actually. Swede is a perfectly okay term.”

      “Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother the OP!”

      “I’m allergic to Swedish Fish, I almost died when my narcissist mother-in-law slipped one into my Jello.”

      3. SofiaDeo*

        This is perfect. Reminds of how all the sideline pet comments mostly derailed the OP’s question when it was mentioned “partner bought a pet” when it was actually a “partner bought a gun” post.

        1. Generic+Name*

          Omg, yes! I kept reading all the pet-related comments and I kept thinking, “but she said it wasn’t actually a pet”. I agree that sometimes people’s efforts to anonymize their situation just leads to confusion. I’m sure I’m in the minority in this, but I have a hard time following extended analogies of teapot painting or llama grooming or other made up jobs. If you feel that your situation is so unique as to be identifiable, it’s fine to substitute a different job or industry, but I feel like using something generic like “accounting” should be sufficiently disguising bit still be understandable to most.

          1. Patty Mayonnaise*

            The pet/gun thing was tricky though because there were some similarities between the two (expensive and you should have your partner’s consent before bringing it into the home) that the OP alluded to, but it wasn’t clear what exactly those similarities were, so people had to speculate about whether the OP had to care for the item in some way. I also think some people just didn’t read the post closely :) I honestly see why OP changed the item; the comments could just have easily turned into a political discussion. But the pet thing threw people off for sure.

            I’m also thinking about the time when the OP complained about being asked to build something with blocks during an interview but it was later revealed the company was Lego.

      5. I can never decide on a lasting name*

        That’s spot-on, Raging!

        I appreciate two things about anonymization:
        1) Focus is on the workplace problem, rather than the sector. It’s less easy to think – “oh, that’s because it’s in accounting”, or “not relevant to me”.
        2) Less speculation about who the LW is and thus fewer non-LWs being speculated about by random internet users

    3. Irish Teacher*

      I think another reason is just that people find the llama and teapot analogies fun and that keeping it non-specific has become so much the norm here that people just go with it.

    4. Not in the US*

      I am pretty vague about my non-English-speaking country because if I also mention my industry, you could probably find me on LinkedIn! Especially outside of Europe there aren’t so many people who read English-only workplace blogs!

  20. Flightless*

    Does anyone have experience with bringing carry-on luggage on American Airline?

    The only thing that stresses me out about traveling by plane is the possibility of not getting my luggage back. I decided to buy a roller bag that exactly fits the carry-on dimensions so I could keep it with me. Of course then I read about people flying on larger planes (the kind with two rows of three seats) losing their carry-ons when they were checked at the gate because the plane ran out of room in the overhead bins. And then I read about people flying on smaller planes (two rows of two seats) losing their carry-ons when they were “valeted” because the overhead bins don’t fit standard carry-on size luggage. I’ll be going on two larger planes and two smaller planes for my trip, so it sounds like I’m guaranteed to not be able to keep my carry-on with me for half my flights, and might not be able to keep it with me for the other two flights.

    So bringing a carry-on is pointless in my situation? Am I missing something?

    Does anyone have any suggestions on “luggage locators” to buy?

    Thank you!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you have an iPhone, AirTags are great for luggage tracking. But that said, I fly a minimum of ten times a year with checked luggage, and have never had my checked luggage lost.

      1. Flightless*

        I have an android, unfortunately.

        I did read that they only lose like 9 out of 1,000 bags, which hypothetically doesn’t sound like horrible odds, but then everyone I talk to tells me they (or someone they know) had their bags arrive a few days late at their destination (which is bad since I’ll only be staying in a few states for two days each) or had them lost completely. And my brain is like “PANIC PANIC PANIC.”

        1. Octavia*

          Tile does the same thing as Airtags but are Android compatible. Androids have fewer users (so I hear) so it may not be as good as Apple, though.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I do have a friend who used Tile for such a thing before the AirTags were released, and she was pretty happy with them.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I flew American last week with just a carry on bag. The plane had new, more spacious overhead bins, that could accommodate 4 rolling bags and more, based on the bin my bag was in. Both planes were full, and as far as I could tell there wasn’t a shortage of space in the bins.

    3. Forensic13*

      I’ve always put the MOST important stuff (pills, my glasses, money etc) in my carry-on that goes under the seat. That way I can replace even the most annoying things when I get to my destination if I have to.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      “Wherever you go, they sell clothes.” -my brother-in-law, long-time international traveler

      His other advice is “half the stuff, twice the money.”

      Stuff you don’t want to risk even a small chance of losing, put in the carry-on that can fit under the seat in front of you. (Your glasses, prescription meds, etc.)

      I will say that in decades of travel I have only briefly lost a checked bag when the luggage cart carrying it went astray in a blizzard. My spouse did international business travel in the before times and never lost anything.

      Reasons for a carry-on bag:
      a) you don’t need much stuff
      b) you don’t want to deal with the wait for checking a bag/claiming a bag on each end
      c) to avoid the checked bag fees

      Advice from a seasoned traveler to a desperate college student who had misread the time on her ticket: While the check-in desk wouldn’t take her bag, she could take it through security and check it at the gate.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Amen, brother-in-law! I always remind myself, as long as I have my glasses, my medication, my wallet and my phone, I’m probably not going anywhere that I can’t replace anything I forgot if I need to. (Include passport on that list too if appropriate, but it’s been a minute there.)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          One reason I really like the passport card–it fits easily in a wallet, and then your passport is somewhere else and so you are much less likely to lose both at once.

      2. KatEnigma*

        Your BIL must be an average size person. I can NOT just go into a store and buy clothes in most of the US, let alone the world. That was an out of touch thing to repeat.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          He’s actually very tall, and so in many parts of the world off the rack wouldn’t be great for him. But he is someone who goes through life in practical problem solving mode.

    5. RagingADHD*

      There were a whole bunch of stories in July about increases in lost luggage due to the surge in travelers while airlines were understaffed. Even still, losing carryons is much rarer because they are going to be on the same plane. If you think a rare chance of something going wrong means it is “pointless,” then I’m not sure how you navigate ordinary daily risks.

      There are a number of “Android alternatives to AirTags,” and you can find them with that search string.

    6. Expiring Cat Memes*

      IME, if your luggage is taken at the gate to be stowed it is usually given back to you there (not on the luggage carousel). They usually have the bags on the aero bridge waiting as you deplane.

      Also a bigger plane is no guarantee that your luggage won’t be stowed. Since no one in North America seems to want to check in any luggage, if you’re in one of the last boarding zones they’re almost guaranteed to run out of overhead compartment space.

      If you’re handing a bag over at the gate though, you have nothing to worry about – it’s still going on the same plane. When checked luggage gets lost it’s usually because of multiple connections when it didn’t get transferred to the correct flight, had tags ripped off in handling etc.

    7. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      IME, the folks who board last have the greatest chance of having their stuff gate checked at the last second. It’s thereon the jetway when you land, but no one checks to be sure you’re taking the right bag, so be sure you have some VERY VISIBLE way of identifying it as yours (bright colored tags, colored tape on the handles, etc.). If there’s a way to upgrade your boarding group, that should help ensure there’s ample space for your stuff when you board. Good luck!!

    8. acmx*

      What are the aircraft types of the smaller planes and your boarding zones?

      Are you staying in the US? Or do you have codeshares in there with non US airlines?

    9. Jay*

      I fly American all the time and have never had a lost bag. I hate waiting for checked luggage so I usually try to travel with a carryon anyway. As someone mentioned below, the new planes hold a lot more luggage and it’s only the last boarding group that sometimes has to check their bags at the gate. Agree with putting meds, glasses, and electronics in the “personal item” that goes under the seat for added security.

      For smaller planes, they usually gate check, which means they take the bag on the jetway at the door to the plane and return it to you there when you land. I’ve never heard of losing a bag that way, although I’m sure it happens.

      Also remember that losing a bag makes a good horror story. “I flew to San Diego and everything arrived right on time” is boring. No one talks about that. It’s still what happens for the vast majority of people.

      (and just for the record, not everyone can replace their clothes in stores. I was very fat for a long time and could not buy clothing in any mainstream brick-and-mortar store. That’s one of the many things that made travel much much more stressful)

      1. fposte*

        I love smaller-plane gate check–never had a problem, and it feels like there’s lower risk. Since my nearest airport is only smaller planes, it’s pretty common for me to do gate-check for one leg and then overhead for the other. As noted, the main risk is that the overheads are full, especially with the narrower planes, as you note, where only one side can hold the largest carryons. It can be worth considering paying for priority one way or another if that’s how you want to travel.

    10. Retired Accountant*

      You should Google “American Airlines boarding zones”, there are nine of them and boarding early is obviously the best way to get your bag on. Look at the NerdWallet article. At a minimum sign up for the American frequent flyer program; that will get you in zone 6. And there are generally offers to buy earlier boarding.

      I fly a lot, and having my carryon lost is not something that’s ever happened to me or anything I worry about in the slightest. I don’t understand how the tiles help in this situation; don’t they have to be in a certain range to work? And I think 99% of the time if your bag is delayed they know exactly where it is and generally have it on the next plane.

      I just want to clarify that there are two different ways your carryon bags can be “checked”. Some smaller airplanes just cannot accommodate rollaboards. In that case your bags will be gate checked, they’ll put a tear off tag on it and you’ll get it back on the gangway immediately after your exit the plane. Early boarding won’t help you with this, but as previously mentioned the only thing that could go wrong is that someone else could pick up your bag so make it distinctive in some way. The other thing that could happen is the overheads get full, in which case they will check your bag through to baggage claim at your final destination and give you a barcoded claim tag. This is much less likely to happen if you are in Group 6 or earlier.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I did see an article where the blogger was able to convince an agent that their system was wrong and the checked bag was still near the gate instead of in baggage claim as the computer said. It wasn’t “lost,” it just hadn’t been put on the cart from the plane to the terminal. And another where another passenger picked up the wrong bag by mistake.

        But both of those were checked bags at baggage claim. It doesn’t seem as useful for carryons that can only be in one of 2 places anyway. But if $30 makes the OP feel better, there are worse things.

      2. Jay*

        The other thing about being an AA Frequent Flyer is that if you download the app and have your FF info registered, you can track your bag on the app. I forgot about that! I find it very reassuring, and I suspect it helps if the bag really doesn’t make it because you have the info to give to them. You also get better access to their phone service.

      3. Loopy*

        I fly American for work regularly and it’s almost always the smaller plane. I hate checking bags and getting gate checked just because I’m horribly impatient and don’t want to go to the baggage carousel.

        I signed up for AA Advantage just to get the group 6 boarding it’s it’s always worked get me overhead space. I’ve never seen them make people gate check bags due to I overhead space limitations before boarding group 7. If I’m really nervous, sometimes they’ll offer Priority for a few and that gets you to group 4 and you definitely won’t have to worry about overhead space then. I’ve bought it as low as 23 dollars. They don’t always offer this option though but it’s a guarantee for overhead space if you’re able and willing to pay for it. .

        Signing up for Advantage is probably the best bet to spend no extra money and ensure you board before they start gate checking bags due to overhead space limitations.

    11. Not A Manager*

      The airlines put barcode trackers on the bags. Usually delayed bags have been mis-directed, not actually lost, so they know where the bags physically are in their system and they deliver them to you if they are late. That said, it’s a pain to be without your stuff for four days even if you do eventually get it back.

      I try to pack in two bags that both work for carry-on. I put my absolute essentials in the “personal item” that fits under your seat, which can actually be quite large. I’ve seen people bring completely stuffed full-sized daypacks as their personal item. That has never been taken from me or denied, and on a very small plane in the worst-case scenario it fits in the overhead.

      I put the rest of my stuff in a standard carry-on size roller bag and put that in the overhead. If you want a better chance of not being denied, purchase airfare that not only allows overhead luggage, but that also puts you in the earlier boarding groups. They deny luggage space to the final boarders, not the early ones.

      Also, remember that whatever you are wearing isn’t counted at all. I don’t care if I’m flying out of the heart of a volcano, if I need a coat and boots at my destination, I am wearing them onto the plane. Sometimes I’m wearing multiple layers. Bring an empty tote bag in your small bag, and unload the layers into that after everyone has boarded. The plane always has nooks and crannies you can fit small, squishy bags into, even if it’s out of room for hard suitcases.

    12. OyHiOh*

      My children flew AA multiple times this past summer with rolling suitcases that fit carry on dimensions. Importantly, they flew as unaccompanied minors so they had an adult shadowing them, and helping put carry on’s away. Nothing got lost. Remarkably, only one child got significantly delayed on one flight but I think that was strictly due to good fortune.

      I would use airtags or similar as insurance!

    13. Maggie*

      I’ve only had my carryon force-checked a handful of times out of tons of flights. I would recommend getting a bag that holds a couple days of stuff that can fit under the seat in front of you. Then you KNOW you can keep it 100% and should something be lost you have your essentials and couple days of clothes. Alternatively you could pay whatever extra fee it is to get in the early boarding groups to secure overhead bin space.

    14. Meowsy*

      If you don’t have mobility issues that prevent you from carrying a bag throughout the airport, I always bring a duffle, backpack,or other soft sided bag that I can push under the seat. I’ve been able to fit clothes, hair tools, toiletries, a book, and my laptop for a week long trip and still find a way to shove it under there. It’s much more spacious under the seat than you’d think. Even on tiny puddle jumpers, I’ve gotten away with packing the bag in there. I generally do not carry a personal item in addition to the carryon unless it’s a shorter trip and I can fit both under the seat.

    15. Alex*

      I always try to volunteer be one of the ones who gets my carry on gate checked lol! I’d rather check it but I try to avoid paying the fee. I’ve never had any issue with not getting it back, but just in case, I put an extra pair of underwear and T shirt to sleep in in my backpack that I put under the seat in front of me, along with my prescriptions, just in case.

      Once in like 2001 I had a checked bag get lost, but that was a situation where I was switching airlines halfway through the trip.

    16. Rara+Avis*

      I traveled with 6 students on American in July. All of our flights were delayed; for one we changed planes 3 times. We were the last zone to board every time; I had checked my bag and the kids had to gate check. Even with the multiple changes, all of our bags made it every time. Some of the delays were due to short staffing on the ground and our bags still made it. Anecdotal, I know, and it doesn’t help if you’re one of the 9 in 1000 — but they have good systems in place in this technological age (scanning every tag as the load and unload).

    17. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      The only time I ever had to gate check my bag was when flying on a very small plane on a short hop flight. The plane was too small to bother with the cargo handling etc and it was a lot more like taking a big coach bus — they just pulled stuff out of the hold and you picked it up as you left the aircraft.

      Perhaps you could swap to a bag that is slightly smaller than the maximum dimensions? Or get a soft sided bag that is easier to squash for trips when you will be on a smaller plane?

    18. Nancy*

      The only times I have ever gate checked my luggage is when I volunteered to do so. I have never lost any luggage. Millions of people fly every day and never lose luggage. You just don’t read a out them because no one writes articles about how their flight was fine.

    19. IT Manager*

      When you get it gate-checked or valeted, you skip all the routing from the ticket counter to the plane and it’s more likely to arrive on the same plane. Sometimes the bags from gate-check are kept separate and delivered right at the gate, not at baggage claim.

      So, still a better risk to bring only a carry on.

      I’ve had lost or delayed luggage several times but never from a carry-on bag (and I travelled weekly for work domestic and for fun internationally. So thats a lot of carry on bags.)

    20. we almost had it all*

      I’ve valet-checked bags numerous times on American Airlines flights (domestic US) and never had a problem. I don’t see how they could get lost in that situation. As I’m exiting the plane onto the jetway, they’re unloading the valet-checked bags right there and I can grab mine and keep going.

      “Oh BUt somEONE MIght TAKE Your BAG!1!,!!!1”
      I mean, are you exiting the plane with your eyes screwed shut and your headphones jammed up to volume 15 and just purposely NOT paying attention??? If not then you’ll be fine.

      A standard checked bag does have some risk of being lost or stolen (and possibly never recovered), but some people get so paranoid about that possibility that they get a carry-on bag the size of a small car, stuff it well beyond any reasonable volume, and then take up most of the carry-on space on the damn plane (and can’t seem to walk down the plane aisle without letting their Cadillac-sized bag smack into at least 3 passengers).

      Please don’t be that person—pay the fee to check your bag and take a Valium, or pack a reasonable amount of stuff into a normal sized carry on. And then still take a Valium because my god.

    21. Boarding group 6*

      I fly American all the time, am an Advantage member and am always boarding group 6. 99% of the time I only do carry on and if you are in the first wave of group 6 there is always bin space. If you have to valet check because the plane is too small you just get your bag in the jetway after you deplane, no problem, it doesn’t get lost. Last month I decided to check a bag instead and it got lost! I got it back later that day but such a hassle and required a return visit to the airport – Boston Logan. So I will try to not break my carry on only rule again!

    22. Just another Fed*

      I travel A LOT! I have Tile trackers (been using them for years, before the Apple trackers were out) in my suitcases, carry-ons, wallet, etc. Highly recommend just for the peace of mind.

  21. Admiral Thrawn Rocks the Blue*

    From Tallahassee, FL. Last week I posted about my hurricane fears. I’m glad to say Ian avoided here entirely but has stomped through much of the state. I predict this will destroy the existing insurance carriers. They could barely scrape it together to buy reinsurance in June. The state will have to take over backing these companies. Citizens can’t do it all.

  22. Asenath*

    Oh, family history is fascinating. There’s so many little details and rabbit trails that are fascinating. In my case, well, mine and that of one of my sisters, who shares my obsession, we are very nearly sure where one of our great great grandmothers was born and raised. She was born in 1854, which isn’t that long ago, but that branch of the family lived in an area with very poor records, and a tendency for whatever records might have been existed to be stored in flammable buildings heated by wood stoves. We had some leads from later documentation, all pointing to the same general area, but contradictory as to specific locations. I was also spending time tracing down an uncle by marriage’s ancestry, which fortunately led me through areas with better documentation. I sorted out which of the women in his father’s life had been a “companion” (as described in an obituary), which the step-mother who mostly raised him, and which his biological mother (my uncle has been dead for a long time, so I couldn’t ask him). And then I hit a brick wall. The records were good, but they showed that his biological mother hadn’t been born in the region I was sure she had been born. I eventually tracked down information showing that of course she had been born there, but under a surname that she never used as her maiden name – but it was the one in the marriage records. She was born illegitimate, registered under her mother’s maiden name, her mother married when she was about 3 or 4, and thereafter she went by her foster/maybe biological? father’s surname. He witnessed her wedding – but there can’t have been an adoption, because if there had been, her legal surname would have been that of the father who raised her, and would have been used in the marriage records.

    1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      Oh, now *that’s* the kind of sleuthing that makes it a whole lot of fun for me. I got the same feeling when I was finally able to identify the mystery family in one of the photographs I mentioned above — the father, my distant uncle, came to a tragic end in the 1890s, and it was deeply profound to be able to look at the picture and know who it was.

      The whole “uncle by marriage” thing reminds me of a similar one with my great-aunt’s husband; he came from this country as well. I’ve been in touch with his grand-niece, who also had a bunch of mystery photographs, and digging around to identify them led us to a regional museum that has a collection of folk tunes written down in the early 1800s by *another* uncle by marriage. It’s scanned and online so I’ve downloaded it and scraped a few out on my fiddle now and then. It’s fun!

    2. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      I love it when sleuthing uncovers the answers to those kind of questions! Forgotten history emerging from obscurity, and the satisfaction of knowing…

      The “uncle by marriage” story reminds me of my great-aunt’s husband, who also came from my adopted country. I’ve been in touch with his grand-niece out on the US West Coast, and she had a bunch of old photos of people she didn’t recognize. Following up on one of them revealed he was an uncle by marriage to my uncle by marriage, and a court photographer, no less! Mr. Photographer’s father wrote down a collection of folk music in a notebook sometime in the early 1800s; it’s now housed in a regional museum and a scanned version is available online. So I’ve downloaded it and play a few on my fiddle every now and then.

  23. Omicron booster experience*

    Unfortunately I’m removing this because some of the responses are going into medical advice and the topic, as I’m sure you can imagine, is rife for misinformation. I’m sorry! – Alison

  24. Weary Doc*

    Anyone else stressing over loved ones in Florida? I broke into tears after talking briefly with my sister yesterday. She is safe but no power and her house is damaged. I feel helpless to do anything other than tell her she is welcome to hop on a plane and come here.

    2. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I am in the weird position of knowing I have lots of family in Puerto Rico but not actually having contact info for them (thanks adoption!) Hurricane Maria was a really hard time for me and this past couple weeks with Fiona I just haven’t been sleeping well. It’s so frustrating to feel an ache for a place but also not have anyone on the ground there I can actually call to check on.

      1. Weary of noise*

        That would really be hard, the whole country off the grid! I got a phone call from a random stranger the morning after Ian to tell me my sister was safe. He came across her in an area with no service, got my number and called me when he had a signal.

    3. Lilo*

      I grew up in Florida and have lived through a couple hurricanes. It’s weird but when you have nothing to do it ultimately just gets really, really boring. So just keep the connection and be there for a distraction.

    4. fposte*

      Elderly in-law family. And I was just getting over worrying about the Maritimes, which really got nailed with Flora.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Much sympathy to everyone who’s coping with the hurricane damage, whether in person or for relatives and friends. (I have some online friends who live in the hardest-hit areas, so I’m doing some worrying on their behalf myself.)

    6. Anon in FL*

      I’m here in Tampa Bay and my heart goes out to my neighbors down south. The Tampa Bay Times has a round up of places to donate to, including organizations giving out cash assistance to those who need it to help with food, water, and repairs. You might also be able to connect your sister with some of those resources when she’s able to contact you again. Otherwise, unfortunately, there’s nothing for us to do but wait it out, I think.

    7. noncommittal pseudonym*

      My 85-year-old father is down there by himself, as my mom happened to be visiting my sister when the storm hit, so, yes, I’m pretty anxious. No damage to the house, fortunately, but the power is still out, and it’s unclear when it’s coming back on. His only means of communication is his cell phone, and he can only charge it by running the car.

    8. atexit8*

      I lived through 3 days of no power from Superstorm Sandy.
      It was a lesson about being prepared or as prepared as I can be.
      Fortunately no structural damage to the house.
      We fortunately still had running water. That was a concern.
      My house has natural gas for cooking, so after Sandy, I bought long matches to light the burners so that I can cook.
      Outdoor solar lights brought inside for light.
      I purchased 2 Mr. Buddy propane heaters and small propane canisters.
      I purchased equipment so that I can power the cable modem + router and small TV and charge smartphones if I lose power.
      The only thing I still can’t do is run the water heater and the refrigertor.
      That will require additional expenditure.

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      No one I personally know, but I’m thinking of you and all who have been affected personally or had loved ones in the path of the hurricane. So awful.

    10. Curmudgeon in California*

      My mom lives in the central northern part of Florida – like Jacksonville area. I know she wasn’t directly under the track, but I haven’t heard from her either. So yeah, stress. Happens every hurricane season.

  25. PhyllisB*

    I hope this doesn’t veer too much towards medical advice, it’s really more nutritional: I went yesterday to for my pre-op workup (in preparation for a hip replacement.) The doctor told me my sodium was low and she wanted to see it up a bit. Can any of you suggest healthy ways to increase my sodium? I do add salt to my food, and I occasionally eat things like salty chips and such. I just don’t add it at the table because I don’t like a lot of salt.
    I find this ironic since doctors have always told us CUT sodium, and I do take blood pressure pills.

    1. Anon5*

      No idea if this is particularly healthy, but soups tend to have lots of sodium. Would probably be better for you than chips.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Yes, she mentioned eating Campbell’s soup. I’m a huge label reader and already knew it was loaded with sodium. I will try this, but thought I’d throw this out there for other suggestions. I don’t want to eat a lot of junk food. Thank you for responding.

      3. Unum Hoc Scio*

        My mother had to increase her sodium for years (due to heart problems after she’d been on a low sodium diet for decades to help my father, also for heart problems). Her answer? Dill Pickles. Super high in sodium and low in carbs and fats.

        Virtual hugs and support.

        3. PhyllisB*

          Hmmm…I forgot about dill pickles. I was talking to two ladies from church several months ago and they were talking about drinking dill pickle juice (Blech!! I like pickles, but the juice??!!) One of them was using it for leg cramps, the other for weight loss. I don’t think I would care for the juice, but I might start indulging in pickles more often.
          Thanks for the suggestion.

    2. Retired Accountant*

      Without purporting to offer medical advice (which would be inappropriate as a retired accountant), if I want to up my sodium intake before a marathon I drink V-8 juice which feels a little healthier than salty snacks.

      1. PhyllisB*

        This is not a doctor I normally see, but she did mention that. So it’s possible she’ll change my prescription. Thanks for responding.

    4. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      In the summer to help with dehydration, I’ll often put just a teeny pinch of salt into my morning tea or coffee and whatever smoothies/juice drinks I make throughout the day. I tend to have a high tolerance for the taste of unsalted food, so I have to be pretty intentional about adding it back in to my diet, and for some reason in beverages it’s an easier adjustment for me to make.

    5. Generic+Name*

      Eat lots of processed salty foods? Since you’re on blood pressure meds, I’d see if you can talk to a nutritionist/dietician about it.

    6. Double A*

      I just want to encourage you to take this seriously. My dad was just in the hospital for a week, in ICU for several days, due to low sodium levels. He basically was drinking way too much liquid and also on a medication that’s a diuretic. And also blood pressure medicine. But apparently as we get older we need less water.

      He drank a lot of drinks with electrolytes while recovering (Pedialyte, Gatorade) so you could add some of those drinks to your diet occasionally.

      1. Liz in the Midwest*

        … Helen? is that you?

        (my dad had that exact same situation happen this summer, so I just need to check in case you are my sister :-) )

        But not to derail–yes, absolutely take this seriously. I had no idea how scary and dangerous low sodium could be till this happened to my dad.

    7. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      I have a background (BSc) in food science, and work in medical research now. The usual medical advice around low sodium intake for the general, healthy population has little basis in science, and studies are published every year questioning this gospel, but it’s not translating into practice change. This may not apply to OP because of blood pressure issues/pills, but useful info for others to discuss with their doctor if needed. Citation below.

      My partner and I (30-40s, healthy, athletes) have both been prescribed to increase our salt this year. I had to drink mine in water (so gross, but worked so much better for my body than eating salt and drinking more water), but my doctor also recommended sprinkling salt on cucumber slices, watermelon, tomatoes, etc. Our issues were both about absorption, so it was important to have liquid with our salt, hence the juicy veggies. Soup was also helpful – pho especially. But we had to make sure we were spreading the salt throughout the day – too much salt at one meal just made me more dehydrated. Bodies are weird ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      O’Donnell et al., 2020. Salt and cardiovascular disease: insufficient evidence to recommend low sodium intake. From https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33011774/

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I had low sodium and electrolytes a couple of years ago and my doctor recommended sports drinks like Gatorade to address both issues. I now drink way too much Gatorade Zero fruit punch, which is the only one a like. There are also electrolyte tablets that you can add to water; I’ve tried and liked Nuun Sport.

    9. KoiFeeder*

      Corn chips, maybe? I can’t eat those, but I’ve heard they’re healthier than potato chips but still loaded with salt…

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I developed this issue due to a diuretic (and trying to eat low sodium because of my bp), and when my levels got concerningly low, I was told to reduce my intake of plain water a bit and replace with liquids that had some sodium in them like others are suggesting here. They also wound up switching me to a totally different kind of bp pill that doesn’t affect sodium levels.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And I was drinking too much water (it was a very hot part of the summer).

        1. PhyllisB*

          Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I plan to incorporate some of these ideas.
          My sister, who’s a nurse, had already cautioned my mother about cutting sodium too much, but I didn’t pay much attention because I didn’t think it applied to me.
          If I eat a meal with a lot of sodium (tacos, fast food fried chicken, ect.) I show a 2–3-pound weight gain the next day, so I thought that meant I should cut down on sodium intake. How wrong I was, obviously.
          BTW, I don’t weigh every day, usually once or twice a week, but if weigh in” day happens to fall a day after this kind of meal that’s what I see.

    12. Clisby*

      I once had a low sodium level, after my doctor prescribed me a BP medication that included a diuretic. She wound up prescribing a different BP medicine, and no sodium-level problems since. Of course, that might not be at all what’s causing yours – just mentioning it because you said you take blood pressure pills.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      P.S. While I was trying to get my sodium levels back up into the normal range, I took it as a (temporary–can’t eat like this all the time!) golden opportunity to eat some of the high-sodium things that I love but generally deny myself, like regular canned soups — I had a few delicious meals where I pouring cream of mushroom soup over chicken breasts and making an easy gravy with cream of mushroom soup, beef broth, and a roux.

    14. All Monkeys are French*

      Last winter I was dealing with GI issues and one of my favorite things was miso soup. I kept it simple – just miso paste and hot water in a thermos that I would sip off all day. It was very comforting and I felt like it kept my hydration and electrolytes up.

  27. Ali G*

    Anyone take joint supplements? Do they work?
    I had my first appointment with a PT for my knee yesterday, and apparently I am pretty weak in all my joints from the hips down (might even be arthritis, but we aren’t going that far yet).
    I didn’t think to ask her while I was there (I am going back Monday so I will talk to her before I do anything), so I wanted to see if anyone have any experience taking joint supplements, or collagen and do they actually work?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          So do me and my dog. Funny, but not really. I take it for neck stuff and I give it to him for hip stuff. I just increased his dose slightly(he is 13 going on 5) the other day and boy did he perk up. He’s back to bouncing around and being his silly self.

          I am taking collagen (Great Lakes) for my thin and bruising skin. Yes, I am seeing a strong difference.

          Make sure you set and maintain a daily water intake amount. This also helps with pain and discomforts.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I take glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM daily. I find that if I miss two many doses, I get knee twinges again. My PT recommended it with the caveat that it may not do anything but it can’t hurt, and I do think it helps. Bonus: my nails grow better and I think it may have helped my skin, but no proof of that.

      If you’re allergic to shellfish, be careful which brand you buy. I’m not, but I noticed a few warnings when I purchased my last bottle.

    3. Rara+Avis*

      My husband has taken glucosamine/Chondroitin for many years for his knee and really feels it if he stops.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My husband was fond of pointing out that pets don’t know they are “supposed” to feel better. It’s been interesting watching my animals responses to nutrition. I was keeping a vitamin mix I take for my heart in my work tote bag. Several times I forgot to hang the bag up on something and left it on the floor. This dog rummaged through my tote bag and found the bottle. He took the bottle out and removed the lid. He EMPTIED the bottle- ate it all. He even got the dust in the bottom of the bottle. If I had a different bottle of something else, he would only take the heart stuff and leave the other bottle alone. He knew the difference by the scent.
        I learned to hang up my tote bag.

        (Yes, the dog was fine.)

        1. KoiFeeder*

          See, I could never have trusted Sir Fusspot like that- this was the same dog that would beg for ipecac and eat dead toads.

    5. Helvetica*

      I’ve taken glucosamine every winter for the last 10 or so years, as I have family history or arthritis and my knees hurt. It does help me but at least in my country, I get the kind prescribed by a doctor – so not OTC, which are of course more available but at least not as beneficial for me personally. Not sure how it works in the US but in general, if you want the kind that really works, ask your doctor if there is something that is not OTC.

    6. Holly*

      I have occasionally had weird joint issues and have taken glucosamine and chondroitin (often sold in one supplement) and I do think it helps. It’s not an overnight thing, but I think it’s good.

  28. Lcsa99*

    So from the post last week it seems like a lot of people here have Spectrum service for their internet/phones. Has anyone with the phone service specifically been having problems? I’ve had an issue with signals (its been weak and I noticed the other day I had full bars, went to make a call and it immediately dropped down to two bars) and with voicemail (not getting messages until days or weeks later, and getting messages that I had deleted days ago). Has anyone else been having issues? Is it just me, or is it spectrum?

    1. WellRed*

      I feel like I’ve had noticeabley more trouble connecting but I honestly don’t know if it’s me or the place I’m at having crappy WiFi. I’ve never been able to access the LTE (no doubt a me problem), so it’s extra frustrating.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I’ve turned off the lte option on my phone because I get a better signal that way but it’s still been frustrating.

  29. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

    I am going for only my second-ever eye exam soon (I know, not good). My prescription will probably need to be updated and what worries me is buying glasses afterwards — namely that I’ll be pressured to do so. Last time, I went to a chain store and ended up paying $400+ for glasses on the spot. Later, when I needed a second pair of glasses, I tried Zenni and found that I like the $50 glasses I bought online infinitely more. So, my probably absurd question is… is it morally wrong for me to go to a storefront optometry place again for an eye exam when I have zero intention of buying glasses from them afterward, and really just need the prescription to buy online? Do they count on the seemingly extortionate prices for glasses to pay their rent, employees, etc.?

    1. Voluptuousfire*

      I have the same problem! I bought a ton of frames off Zenni and the like (two pairs are sturdy and were $2!) and I got my eye exam last year at an ophthalmology practice and still have not gotten new lenses for the frames. When I brought my previous frames to a optometry store that did my exam, they got a little pissy with me that I wasn’t buying frames with them, so that still sticks in my head.

      1. Unum Hoc Scio*

        I just went through this! I went to the optometrist, had a significant change in vision and was quoted $750 for one set of lenses not including the frames (yes, I’ve got really bad eyes with the prognosis of cataract surgery in the next two years).

        Taking into account that I would need two pairs of glasses in case one breaks, that would come to over $2000.

        My daughters have used Eyebuy, Zenni, & Kits for years and I ended up using Kits on their recommendation. They arrived yesterday.

        Cost? $277.

    2. A Girl Named Fred*

      Not morally wrong at all IMO. I worked at a small, individual eye doc once upon a time and we had plenty of people just ask to take their prescription with them. We’d give it to them without a fuss. (Caveat here that some salesfolk might be pushier than we were.) The sales of the glasses and things do help pay rent, employees, etc. but at least where I worked the markup was pretty big (so that the doc could actually get reimbursements from insurance companies.) Especially if you’re going to a chain store, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. An employee might grumble a bit after you leave, but life is expensive right now and if you can save $350 for a product you’re equally happy with, go for it!

    5. Elle Woods*

      Not wrong at all IMO. If they ask, it’s perfectly OK to tell them you just want the exam and prescription today and leave it at that.

    6. Lilo*

      If anything it’s morally wrong to tie medical care (which an eye exam absolutely is) to a retail expectation. It would be unethical for them to require you to buy from them or treat you differently had you not.

    8. acmx*

      Nope, get them where you will.

      Reminder that they are legally required to give you your Rx after your exam.

    9. MissCoco*

      I’m a future optometrist, and the reality is that some practices do rely on selling glasses to make rent, but that’s not your problem as a consumer. Vision insurance has terrible reimbursements for doctors (on some plans we barely make double digits back), but that’s not the responsibility of our patients.

      The FTC requires your prescription to be released to you (and most practices are religious about this), but it doesn’t require release of your pupillary distances. If you’ve been previously happy with Zenni glasses you likely have a prescription that’s resistant to some imperfections in manufacturing/centration, but if you switch to progressives I do encourage patients to go to a physical optical to get accurate measurements made that are specific to the frame they pick.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I want to be sure I am reading this correctly.
        I have no-line bifocals. So I should stay with buying them locally?

        1. MissCoco*

          I would recommend it, but there are definitely no-line bifocal patients who are happy with their online glasses. I recommend in person because the prescription needs to sit in a specific spot in the frame to get your full add when reading and still have clear distance vision, and there’s not really a great way to take those measurements without the frame on your face.

          Check with your optical shop, but we allow patients to bring in outside frames and just buy lenses from us, which is one way to get some online pricing benefits without risking the lenses being centered incorrectly or having the wrong prescription in them.

    10. SofiaDeo*

      An optometrist offers glasses as a convenience, you are not morally obligated to buy from them. They are there for the eye exam and issuing a prescription for glasses if needed. Anymore than you would be, if you had eye exams for eye health, didn’t need Rx glasses, and choose to purchase sunglasses elsewhere.

    11. Anono-me*

      Morally you are fine.

      The concern for me is if you have a problem with your lenses an the the eye dr says it is how the store made and fitted the glasses and the store says it is the prescription from the eye dr isn’t quite right.

    14. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I pay for the eye exam, I’m entitled to get my prescription without obligation to buy glasses there, too. You are not morally obligated to pay more than you want to just because they have staff to pay.

    15. LittleMarshmallow*

      Definitely not morally wrong! Most places won’t bat an eye. Tehee. I’ve been going to the eye dr my whole life. Mine just ask if I need to look at glasses today and I just say nope I’m not ready today if I’m not getting them there for any reason, but I would like a copy of my prescription. You’re paying for the exam (or your insurance is… someone is) and the no-strings-attached prescription is part of that. If it makes you more comfortable to ask for the prescription you can say “No, but I need a copy of the prescription for work provided safety glasses”. It gives a viable excuse why you’d need a copy for yourself and still opts you out of looking. But no, with all of the online options it’s totally normal to decline glasses day of. You can also say you need to check your insurance coverage first because you’d heard that some colleagues had issues, if you want more cover stories to make you feel comfortable.

      I actually do usually get mine from the eye dr because my prescription is severe so it’s helpful for me to be fitted in a place that understands my needs. If I go to a place to get glasses and they say “wow” when they look at my prescription, I won’t get them from that place. It indicates they haven’t worked with my prescription much and are not necessarily equipped to give me good advice or understand the ins and outs of a prescription well into double digits. The eye dr I have now is great and is experienced with my type of needs as is her staff of eye glasses fitters and I love them. I’ve had too many sketchy experiences so I’m picky now! It makes a difference and I have no shame about it. They’re my eyes and I’m the one that has to live with and pay for the results.

  30. Pocket Mouse*

    Curious about added sugar listings on nutritional labels in the US. I’m seeing some wildly discrepant labels, and am confused about how this works. Does it have to do with the ratios of glucose/sucrose/fructose, if “sugar” is an ingredient? Might it include non-sugar ingredients added primarily for sweetness? Are brands just really bad at math?

    A case study in jams: I have seen all of the following on jam labels in the last few months.
    -5g added sugar, 23% DV
    -5g added sugar, 20% DV
    -4g added sugar, 24% DV
    -4g added sugar, 21% DV
    -sugar listed as an ingredient, 0g added sugar/0% DV
    -sugar NOT listed as an ingredient (though grape and date juice are ingredients), 5g added sugar/10% DV

    The first four above were even from the same brand of jam! Meanwhile, the FDA says the DV is 50g for added sugar. Any insights??

    1. Pieismyreligion*

      Nutrition labels round down and not up- so if something has 3.7g sugar per serving it will be written as 3g. which explains the sugar-listed-no-percentage bit.

    2. LittleMarshmallow*

      Ah labeling… as much as we try to pretend it’s an exact science because the “government” has “rules”… it’s much a marketing endeavor and the trends and what means what change so fast that the “governments” have a hard time keeping up so companies find loopholes and semantic technicalities all the time that make reading labels very confusing.

      I personally wouldn’t recommend worrying about the DV listed on a label. Use your own doctor/nutritionist/fitness app/Google search advice for what your daily macros should be based on lifestyle, age, size, health needs and whatever else and just use the gram amounts on labels to calculate in an app or something.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        I can appreciate your cynicism, but—with respect—this was a question about definitions and how information is presented, not a request for advice on how to manage my diet. I don’t appreciate the assumption that it was the latter.

  32. NoLongerFencer*

    Fun things to do indoors with 6mo high energy baby? (Stormy outdoors)

    Also, taking kefir post-antibiotics. Any other healthy food ideas to help the gut?

    1. Ellie*

      All of my babies loved playing on my bed. I got to lay down, roll them around, stare dreamily in their eyes, blow on their bellies.

      1. Lilo*

        Just as a note, many (maybe most?) 6 month olds aren’t crawling yet. The milestone for 6 months is sitting up.

        1. chocolate zebras*

          Babies vary. Mine walked (“cruised”) the day she turned 6 months old. No Longer Fencer said “high energy”. I took my cues from that.

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        Ha, yes, I think that’s around the age where “fill the container, empty the container” is a super fun game. Can be any old box, large bowl, or whatever with blocks or balls or any safe objects.

    4. Generic+Name*

      I made an indoor “sandbox” for my son when he was a toddler. Six months may be on the young side for it, however. The sandbox was basically a lidded plastic bin that I filled with dried beans and rice. I put small toys in it that he’d have to dig around in to find and I had small plastic trowels and scoops for him to pour the beans/rice with. I got a wide and shallow bin and it wasn’t too messy. I normally set it on the floor in an old sheet to catch any spills.

      Babies of this age also love water play. Make bathtime playtime with some fun water toys. I’ve seen some really innovative bath toys that you can pour water into and watch it flow down wheels and slides, etc. some are standalone and some stick to the bathtub surround.

    5. SofiaDeo*

      Natto. I started with a teaspoonful in my chili beans, the flavor is really unlike many foods in the US and Europe IMO. I buy it online frozen, and bring it out to thaw the night before. My gut is happier :)

    6. Alex*

      A bunch of old kitchen utensils (safe, non moving parts, non sharp) and some pots and pans.

      And earplugs for you.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Take all the pots and pans and wooden spoons out and spread them out on the floor and let them bang away. Same thing in the bathtub, with you right there, of course.
      Make bread and let them squish the heck out of a little piece of dough.

    8. EJ*

      My kids loved the “exersaucer” that helped them stay upright, jump and spin to various toys. saved my sanity!! my mom keeps a bottom kitchen drawer with plastic measuring cups and the baby grandchildren love it

  33. Reset my mantra*

    Question about how to “reset” my brain to change the name, word that helps calm me in times of stress….
    In college when I was stressed out I would think of my boyfriend at the time, it really helped me and his name became a sort of mantra.. 30 years later I am finding when stressed or nervous his name still comes to me and it helps calm me. but the problem is it didn’t work out and I am now married to someone else! He’s wonderful but I have not been able to get my brain to think of him as a soothing word – the brain goes back to the ex’s name (and what I know is an idealized version of what never really was real) .
    When my folks were ailing I saw them regress to their native language and I am concerned what I will say someday in a similar condition . – it would really hurt my spouse if I were to be calling out someone else’s name in delirium. There have been studies of how pets are more soothing than spouses during stress so I’ve tried substituting the dogs name as a mantra – I think that may work better , but it’s not sticking in my head.
    I understand the more I obsess about it the worse it gets,and I’m definitely recently triggered by recent loss of my parents and a sibling.. but does anyone know how to get my mantra reset?

    1. fposte*

      I would be more inclined to share with my partner that I’ve had this mental habit where my ex’s name is basically “Om” to me at this point. It sounds like your real fear is that your partner will encounter this, and the way to take the sting out of it is to let them know about this particular brain weirdness, that you’ve tried periodically to retrain it, and that it seems like something that’s darker if kept as a secret than just mentioned as a quirky habit. That sounds a lot less taxing than an anxiety-ridden attempt to retrain your brain to a different term in case your partner’s feelings are hurt when you’re dying. (And people can say a lot worse things than an ex’s name when they’re dying.)

      1. Not A Manager*

        Definitely tell your spouse about this. It sounds like you’re undermining the effect of your current mantra by worrying about it so much.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        Haha! My husband’s cousins’ dog has the same name as my ex, which always makes me smile to myself.

    3. SofiaDeo*

      My mantra that calms me is some variation of “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”. Say these short sentences in any order you please.

    4. marvin*

      It might be less stressful if you try thinking about expanding your mantra repertoire rather than trying to banish your ex’s name. Maybe try adding a few other thoughts/words into the rotation along with the original name and see if any of them work for you. It might help to draw on words from other realms of life that you find comforting.

      And try to be patient with yourself about your attachment to the existing mantra. It’s something that has helped you for a long time. I think it’s possible to hold on a level of fondness for it while also expanding your horizons a bit.

    5. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Try a word (or gibberish) that is extremely similar to the name instead of one completely different; it might be the general sound or number of syllables that is easy for you to remember as a mantra after all this time. So alexander could become salamander, or nicholas becomes pickle glass. If it’s a word or phrase that also has happy meaning all the better, but it doesn’t have to be a name.

    6. Bright as yellow*

      I can totally relate. I still default to a memory with my first boyfriend when I’m trying to think of happy thoughts to distract me from current uncomfortable/painful moments. It didn’t work out, and I’ve made my peace with that, but those memories of us hanging out on the lawns just after a thunderstorm are still precious. After 10 years, the memory is reduced to green grass and fresh air and a feeling of expansion and wonder, like I’ve got so much space inside my heart to love this person and to love this Earth. I don’t see his face, n I have no recollection of what he looked like that day.

      I felt guilty when I got into another long term relationship, and no memories with second boyfriend were as powerful as that moment on the grass with my first. As an experiment, I also tried thinking of other memories with my first boyfriend, which are not as helpful. My brain in hardwired to think of that particular moment as my happy place, and I’ve accepted that.

  34. Russian in Texas*

    Weird technical glitch: last week I did something, and the beginning of the sentence does not automatically capitalize, but only on the AAM website. All other websites are fine.
    Chrome browser on Android phone.
    How do I fix this?

    1. Double A*

      I am also having this exact same problem!! Which makes me suspect it’s something about the website.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Mine does this too! I don’t comment a lot of places but I’ve only noticed it happening here

    3. Forgotten username*

      yes!! I noticed it last week and went crazy trying to change my Google keyboard settings before realizing it was only happening on this site. using Duckduckgo on Android. now I have my settings on auto correct but still getting all sentences starting with lower case on this site only unless I manually go back and fix it.

    6. Squidhead*

      I’m pretty sure it started after the site facelift/update. I reported it on the bug page, but I’m not sure whether it’s an intentional change or a glitch. (Android/Chrome here too, with a default to auto-capitalize after a period.)

    7. Helvetica*

      Huh, I use Chrome on my laptop and AAM is one of the few websites where it has never automatically capitalised for me.

      1. Still*

        It’s always capitalised for me before, but last Sunday it’s stopped! Android / Duck Duck Go here.

    8. Weegie*

      Same problem. It does happen elsewhere on my phone (android), i.e. when I’m adding an event to my calendar, but it only started on this site recently. I don’t think it’s something we can fix by ourselves.

  36. Hopeful ex librarian*

    Hi! I’d love your opinions on actual moving companies for moving vs a service like Dolly? I’m still figuring out where I’m going to move to (but I do know it would be from my childhood home to a studio in Chicago, hopefully within a few months), but I want to plan as much as possible before I actually need to have this figured out. I know hiring someone/people through an app like Dolly might be cheaper, but I’d be worried they wouldn’t show or might not know how to move stuff. I don’t have a lot of breakables, but I have a few heavy/big furniture items. I’m wondering if, for the sake of my anxiety, it might be worth it hiring an actual moving company. If anyone has local Chicago movers to rec, I’d love to know!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Unless you’re in dire straits, only move with a bonded and insured company, preferably one with regular staff. Moving is stressful enough, I do not recommend trying to do it super cheaply. You can hire movers without a specific address if you’re far enough out.

    2. Bon Voyage*

      I’ve used both services and highly recommend a real moving company. I got a recommendation from a friend and had an excellent experience–the team was swift, organized, and for a local move, worth every single penny. Dolly was… what I’d expect from the Uber of moving services.

      For Chicago-area recs, I remember Captain Awkward liked her moving co, which Twitter tells me was USA Moving & Storage. In any case, good luck!

    3. Not A Manager*

      In Chicago, I have had excellent luck with Two Guys And A Van. Truly excellent. Don’t confuse the guys and vans with men and trucks. There are several companies with similar names.

    5. Chicago Based*

      Best movers in Chicagoland are Movetastic. Period. If you are honest with your survey, the estimate they give you is the worst case scenario price. I’ve recommended them to multiple friends and they have never had a poor experience.

    6. Jim Bob*

      I used Bellhops once and had a terrible experience. Booked 4 guys and only one showed up – I ended up carrying half the stuff myself and throwing my back out. Do not recommend this type of service.

    7. KatEnigma*

      We used Two Men and a Truck to move inherited furniture from Chicago to Milwaukee and had a lot of good luck. We had a really heavy desk (REALLY HEAVY) with a glass top and they took tons of care. A friend’s daughter used Dolly or similar to move within Chicagoland and did not have a great experience, let’s just say.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      No local recs, but if you can afford to pay a moving company to pack your stuff, that can be really pleasant! My ex had that once through work, and it was SOOOOOO easy! (Just make sure they don’t pack your trash, meds, etc. When they pack everything, they pack EVERYTHING . . . .)

      1. KatEnigma*

        I vehemently disagree. The two times we’ve had to let the movers pack because it was a work requirement have been THE most stressful and the only times in multiple moves that things got left behind and broken.

    9. hopeful ex librarian*

      sorry for the late response, I kinda forgot I posted this!

      thanks for the advice, everyone! :D I will be using movers and will ALSO be checking out those specific recs, all of which I greatly appreciate. I already know my anxiety is going to be through the roof when I finally do move, and having an actual company would help a lot with said anxiety.

  37. Time for cocoa*

    Anybody have good Halloween costume ideas that are really inexpensive?

    My friend Priya throws amazing costume parties every October, with cool prizes. Two years ago she married a guy with a large-breed dog, and he’s a garbage owner who doesn’t train. It jumps on people, mouths on arms, and tears clothing with its nails.

    Historically there’s been a high bar for costumes at this party, but now I have to account for the reality that this dog is going to destroy whatever I wear.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Standard pre-printed name tag:
      Hello! My name is

      Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

      2. CharlieBrown*

        This is often used as a model of the perfect introduction:

        Greet: “Hello”

        Introduce yourself: “My name is Inigo Montoya”

        Explain how you are connected: “You killed my father”

        Set the purpose of this encounter: “Prepare to die”

      4. Bagpuss*

        This is good – you could also consider Shaun from Shaun of the dead (cheap white shirt (with red on it) name badge and trousers, plus a cricket bat if you can borrow one.

        Or a classic Mummy from old fashioned horror movies- use TP or open weave gauze bandages for the bandages- looking more tattered as the evening progresses works fine for this costume.

        Zombie- pick old clothes, add rips for the old mauled by zombies/crawled out of the grave look and invest heavily in fake blood.

        1. crookedglasses*

          Seconding the zombie suggestion. I’ve created a really great skin peeling off effect with liquid latex. put on a layer of liquid latex, let it dry, then begin picking and peeling it away from your skin. once you’ve got it good and foursome go over the whole thing (latex + the exposed pockets of skin) with some green makeup. (fair warning – the latex can be painful coming off sensitive patches of skin or areas with hair. mineral oil helps it come off a little more gently).

          If your clothing gets mangled by the jumping dog, it will only add to the effect!

    2. Esmeralda*

      Get a mechanic’s jumpsuit at a thrift shop, a gimme cap, work gloves (wear or stuff in pocket), and maybe a wrench to whack the dog. Or its owner.

      Haha, how about jeans, long sleeve t shirt or heavy button down, a net, and make a name badge that says DOG-CATCHER.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Brilliant! You could also give the host a joke citation from the local dog pound. Or maybe the business cards and brochures of local dog trainers.

        If the husband aka “garbage [dog] owner” is otherwise a nice person I’d try gently encouraging him to train his dog. As a short person formerly afraid of all dogs, especially large ones (I’m now only afraid of the ones I don’t know) I’m picturing him as some fearsome lout, but it may be that he’s just unenlightened, not evil. Try to think of it the same way as gently advising a small child’s parent to teach the child to use their “inside voice.” People and dogs need to know how to behave in situations in which being rambunctious is not appropriate.

    3. Lilo*

      I actually distanced myself from a friend who had a dog like that.l because I never felt at ease at her house because that dog would just come up and jump. My grandma’s hip was broken by a dog jumping on her like that and it was the beginning of her major health decline. People HAVE to take that stuff seriously.

      1. Lilo*

        (She also insisted on bringing her dog to my house even though her dog tried to attack my cat.)

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        >People HAVE to take that stuff seriously.

        Yes yes yes! I’m horrified when I see people being cavalier about how terrible a fall can be for an elder person. It makes me crazy when I see young people zipping along a sidewalk or hiking path on wheeled devices (scooters, bicycles). Being careful means more than simply avoiding direct physical contact! People also can be thrown off balance if someone flies past them at a two-inch distance. People can also trip and fall when a scooter or bike is carelessly dropped in the middle of the sidewalk. Looking at you, city-wheels-for-rent businesses.

        The event that seems a simple tumble–inconvenient but no lasting damage–to a healthy 20-something can be life-destroying to an older person. Even if a fall is not fatal (e.g. broken hip + being bed-bound = pneumonia) it can produce lifelong pain, limited mobility or range of motion, and the attendant emotional anguish because the victim knows that everything could have been avoided if this one thoughtless person had been more careful.

        I wish I were better at saying loudly, in the moment, “Slow down, folks!” If we’re fortunate, we all will live long enough to become a sharp-of-mind-even-if-frail-in-body elder who still enjoys spending time with friends, walking around, cooking, gardening, playing chess with the grandchildren, etc. Activities don’t have to be ostentatiously athletic to be worthwhile.
        /end rant

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Cheap black T-shirt and leggings/pants, cat eat headband. Gives you a jokey excuse to avoid/not enjoy the dog :)

    6. marvin*

      Full suit of armour? Fyi, a good way to discourage dogs from jumping is to lift your knee so they can’t easily prop themselves up on you. I’ve found that even dogs that are badly trained in general can often be trained to leave me alone if I’m more boring than everyone else.

    7. Anono-me*

      If you are part of a couple, you could be Flo and Jake from the insurance commercials.

      You could also wear normal sturdy clothes and a headband with a blue diamond above it.

      All it takes to be Awsumo the Southpark robot is a couple of cardboard boxes, some tape and a sharpie.

    8. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve gone as a Clearance Rack before. Go to your local department store (Kohl’s, etc.) and get the ugliest, most mismatched things you can find. Leave the tags on for extra authenticity.

    9. Clisby*

      When my son was 8, he dressed as The Dude for Halloween. He already had long hair, wore cargo shorts, some crummy T-shirt, and sunglasses. He collected candy in a coffee can labeled “DONNY”.

    11. Irish Teacher*

      For work, I wear a witch’s hat with a long black skirt and black top. It’s easy and if I want things to be more serious (I am giving a class a test or something), I can just remove the hat and I’m just wearing a top and skirt.

      1. cleo*

        I made a really fancy witches hat many, many years ago and it’s been my go to costume for years. I just go to my closet, pull out some black clothes, put on the hat, and ta da! Instant costume.

    12. I take tea*

      The absolutly quickest, cheapest and easiest fancy dress I ever have had was to stick my head through a ripped duvet cover and my hands out the holes. Voila, I’m an unmade bed. (I did try to rig a pillow case with an old wire hanger as well, but it didn’t really work.) People liked it.

      (Add some teeth and a little blood and you could be a man-eating bed…)

    13. EJ*

      wear white t-shirt with a black letter “P” on the front (made from tape to save the shirt), then eyeblack around 1 eye and suddenly you are a “black eyed pea!”

      my teenager last year made a wearable sign that said “I (heart) ceilings!!” he was a “ceiling fan!”

    14. LittleMarshmallow*

      In high school for “Noah’s Ark” day for spirit week (like homecoming week for a tiny Christian school… don’t ask, just take it for what it is), I dressed as a drowning person cus that’s the kind of person I am, but high school me wore a blue skirt underneath a skirt made of clear and blue plastic wrap that I’d fashioned the night before… then I just wore a normal shirt… you could alter that to be a swimmer or something. Wear a bathing suit or whatever and make a “water” skirt from plastic wrap.

      I was also the yellow brick road for wizard of oz themed stuff. Wore all black, then took yellow construction paper and drew a brick pattern on it which I hung around my neck.

      In college I wrapped my snowflake comforter around me and wore a sign that said “winter”.

      You could be the Willow Ghost from Buffy the Vampire slayer… just wear a sheet over a “sexy” outfit and take the sheet on or off as you wish throughout the night. Or be all dramatic and pretend to die then abandon the sheet like she did in the episode. It’s weird, I know, but hey depending on your demographic it might land.

      Fairy wings are pretty easy to make.

      You could dress like the dog whisperer (so like a regular person) and then just incorporate the naughty dog in and make the pssht at the dog all night. Haha. Maybe bring a toy dog stuffy.

      Farmer: wear jeans and a flannel and carry like a pitchfork (can be cardboard and homemade) or something farmy. Farmers get knocked down by animals all the time. Talk about John Deere all night.

    15. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I’m a huge fan of all the Jordan Peele movies, and after watching Nope, I went out and bought a safety-orange hoodie for about twelve bucks from the workwear section of a box store. I’m going to use some fabric paint or spray paint to write “STAFF” on the back, sew some neon green eyes onto the hood, and wear it with jeans. Cheap, easy, and warm!

  38. Charlotte Lucas*

    Didn’t have a chance to post last weekend, but for those who asked, the chili cook-off was lots of fun. We ended up not voting but gorging ourselves on chili, cornbread, & brownies. And someone from leadership dropped by with ice cream novelties for everyone.

    Here’s the recipe for the sweet potato chili I brought. This is pretty mild, so you can add some cayenne or a fresh hot pepper or two if you like more heat.

    2 tsp. vegetable oil
    1 c. chopped onion
    1 4-oz. can diced green chilies
    1 15-oz. can tomato sauce
    1 c. canned pineapple chunks (packed in juice), drained
    1 c. water
    1 1/2 lbs. sweet potatoes, peeled & cut into 1-inch chunks
    2 large Granny Smith (or similar) apples, unpeeled, cut into 1-inch chunks
    2 1-lb cans kidney beans, rinsed & drained
    2 tsp. chili powder
    1 tsp. ground cumin
    1/2 tsp each salt & ground cinnamon

    Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and canned chilies. Cook, stirring frequently until onion begins to brown.

    Add remaining ingredients & bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to medium-low, & simmer, stirring occasionally, 45 minutes or until sweet potatoes are tender.

    1. GoryDetails*

      That sounds lovely! Though for my taste I’d swap out the kidney beans; I like quite a few types of beans but those are among my least favorite for some reason. I’d guess that black beans would work well…

  39. HannahS*

    Underwear help! My favorites are no longer made. I have a large bum, and I like underwear that fully covers it (no cheeky cuts!) and is 100% cotton. Jockey used to make one cut that fit me well but no longer made/sold in Canada. Bonus if the undies are at least somewhat cute, but utilitarian is fine, too.

    2. MissCoco*

      I recently purchased some wealurre (yes that is how it’s spelled) cotton lace bikinis from amazon. They are full coverage, and I like the wide lace waistband. 95% cotton, 5% spandex, however.
      I’ve also liked gap’s cotton bikinis in the past, but haven’t purchased any in the past couple years.

    3. I take tea*

      Can you get Sloggi where you are? They have several different fits in cotton (and some lycra, if that’s ok). They are also hold up pretty well, I have had mine for years. They do not fit very well if you have big legs, though, the holes could be bigger.

    4. Alex*

      I love TOmboyx underwear. It is expensive, but really substantial material with a wide waistband. I also have a large bum and like a fully covered butt cheek and no wedgie potential. If you want a lower rise cut, get the briefs, and a slightly higher rise cut, the hipster.

      They also have boyshorts, bikinis, and thongs. I haven’t tried the bikinis or thongs, but found that the boyshorts have a bit too much material around the legs for my taste, but they are well made and fit pretty well and don’t ride up.

      1. Underoo*

        Seconding TomboyX! I find the modal fabric comfier than the 100% cotton, though, especially for the boyshort style.

        1. Alex*

          Agree! The modal is lovely. I also have the boxer style underwear but I mostly wear that to bed or sometimes under a dress in the summer, and the modal is great in those too. But the hipster and briefs only come in cotton, as far as I know. (I would totally buy the briefs, which are my fave, in modal if they made it). (Can you tell I have a lot of their products? Lol. )

    5. Generic+Name*

      Hanes full cut cotton briefs. The ultimate in Old Lady underpants, and they’re glorious.

      1. Elf*

        personally I like the Hanes cotton bikinis. They cover my but and don’t do the all-the-way-up-to-my-waist thing which I dislike in briefs

    6. chocolate zebras*

      I bought some TenTree underwear from MEC(on sale). They are comfy, but a bit too big – I’d size down.

      1. CovertTomboy*

        Another thumbs up for TomboyX! I bought just one pair as a test case and have gradually added additional pairs when they have a sale on. They are comfortable and durable as well.

    7. Holly*

      I have exclusively worn Fruit of the Loom Bikini cut underwear sold in packs of 6 or 8 or whatever from Walmart for over a decade now… I am exactly like you – large bum, hate cheeky cuts and need full coverage. I usually buy the not 100% cotton ones as I like some stretch but they do have cotton and I really like the cut – I don’t like the briefs, they come up too high on my tummy for me. I live in Canada too for reference.

    9. Worked in IT forever*

      Have you looked at jockey.com? They ship to Canada. I’m in Canada and have ordered from jockey.com a couple of times because the Bay stopped carrying what I liked.

      1. AGD*

        I was literally in the Bay yesterday getting frustrated over how little Jockey stuff was in store because I am really running low on underwear and none of the other stuff seemed to appeal. Thank you!

    10. Butts butts butts*

      Kate and Vos Classics Brief, sold by Panty Drop (not the Panty Drop Perfect Panty). They also have BoyShorts but I feel like the boyshots get stretched out too much by the end of the day– the below-butt part gets loose & literally drags them down. 100% cotton, sold online. I looove the brief. Sufficiently covers the butt. Extended sizes, and they have a wide gore (no lip slips).

    12. londonedit*

      I’m slightly obsessed with Innersy high-waisted pants. You can get them on Amazon – they are decidedly not sexy but they come in some nice colours which might fit your definition of ‘cute’. They have a very gentle bit of tummy control and they give full coverage and are extremely comfortable.

  40. Teapot Translator*

    What’s everyone watching?
    I’m slowly making my way through Endeavour (because I can only watch one episode/week on the Knowledge Network) and Maigret (first Rowan Atkinson, now Michael Gambon).
    I tried to watch the Dr Blake Mysteries, but the first episode didn’t really grab me.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I just watched an episode. That is very comforting! I think I’ll continue watching, thank you!

    3. MJ*

      We love Endeavor! Other favourites that periodically show up (can’t remember which are current since we have a bunch recorded):
      The Brokenwood Mysteries – New Zealand
      Midsomer Murders – British
      Silent Witness – British

      1. Teapot Translator*

        The Brokenwood Mysteries is not available on Knowledge, but it is on tubitv. I watched a trailer and I think it’s right up my alley! Thanks!

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve been a Buffy fan for years but never watched Angel, so I was following the original airing order to watch both together and kind of gradually lost interest. But then I saw both shows are leaving Prime next week so I abandoned Buffy and am trying to crank through the last 1.5 seasons of Angel because I’d like to finish it but I’m definitely not going to pay for it lol

    5. Chaordic One*

      My local PBS station started rebroadcasting episodes of “To the Manor Born,” and I’m finding it to be comforting escapist entertainment.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        OMG, “To the Manor Born” is the BEST! I was so in love with Richard DeVere and so invested in his and Audrey Forbes-Hamilton’s romance back in the day . . . .

    6. chocolate zebras*

      I also watch knowledge! I really recommend Inspector Rojas: in cold blood-you do need to start from the beginning. Also, if you don’t mind a doc: Just eat it! and this mountain life.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Currently I’m enjoying some new drops on Netflix, including the goofy-but-fun “The Floor is Lava”, the ever-charming “Great British Baking Show”, and the third of the live-action “Fullmetal Alchemist” movies. (I loved the anime and didn’t think I’d care for the live-action version but am finding it surprisingly good.)

      I also tune in to the new seasons of several doctor/fire-fighter/emergency TV dramas, though at this point they are getting a bit same-y and way too focused on interpersonal relationships among the characters, most of whom seem to have no clue at all about why romance at work can be so tricky {wry grin}.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        Oh wow, they’re already up to a third live-action FMA? I remember hearing when the first one was coming out – I adore FMA:Brotherhood and the manga, never got a chance to watch the live-action but might go for it now that there’s more turning up.

    8. Kara Danvers*

      Watched Hocus Pocus 2 yesterday! Almost done with She-Hulk. My husband and I are also watching Quantico, which aired years ago, but we started it a few months ago (we’re on season 2 now) and are enjoying it.

    9. atexit8*

      Dr Blake Mysteries
      Maigret with Rowan Atkinson and Michael Gambon
      Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
      Death in Paradise
      Shakespeare and Hathaway
      Father Brown
      Rosemary and Thyme

      1. Teapot Translator*

        We seem to have similar tastes. I can recommend Sister Boniface Mysteries and McDonald & Dodds.

    13. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Just discovered Stephen Merchant’s “The Outlaws” (BBC), which has been super fun! Loved the new standup specials from Cristela Alonzo & Sheng Wang. Now starting Mo Amer’s show, “Mo,” and either “The Girl from Oslo,” “Echoes,” or “You Don’t Know Me” … all on Netflix US.

  41. Advice about house cleaners!*

    Looking for about housecleaners!

    I’d love to hire an occasional cleaner to come in and deep-clean the bathrooms and kitchen once a month. I have no idea where to start or what to do — my family never had anyone in to clean when I was a kid, we just DIY’d it. A few questions:
    – How clean do things have to be before the cleaners come in? I know, like, take out the trash, and make sure there’s no dishes on the counters. But do we take everything off the bathroom counters? Take bottles out of the bathtub? Get the hair off the shower wall?
    – We should lock up our cats, right?
    – What do we do while the cleaners are there? I always feel so awkward when I’m relaxing and someone else is hard at work (used to work a job where there cleaners came in at the end of my shift, so I was usually just waiting to clock out). But should we be on hand to answer questions? Or take a walk around the block to stay out of the way?
    – Do you ask them about the products? I want something with no strong perfumes (eg no Febreeze) & something that doesn’t leave a residue, because, again, cats. But they’re the professionals, I’m not going to tell them how to do their job, especially if the Chemicals are what makes things clean.
    – They’re not going to judge us, right?

    Trying really hard to let go of the somehow-internalized “women should be good at housekeeping” shame! Thanks in advance!

    1. Susie*

      1. I tidy so they don’t have to move much to fully clean
      2. My dog is in a crate but we usually have the dog walker come while the cleaners are there so the dog is out of the office when they clean it
      3. We are usually at work when the cleaners are there or we go do something fun. If we have to be home, we’ll go to our patio or a bedroom to stay out of their way. I know it feels weird but they are pros—ours can clean our whole house in two hours. I can barely do a bathroom in that time.
      4. I’m super sensitive to scents so I provide most of the cleaning solutions

    2. fposte*

      My personal take–I don’t remove the bottles but do remove the hair, because it’s my hair and therefore I’m the person it’s least gross to. Basically the more thorough you want the cleaning, the more access they should have. Some cleaners have preferences or suggested products; you can absolutely ask them and mention the cats, and it’s quite possible they’ll have specific experience that will be useful.

      Yes, lock up the cats. Less worry for both you and the cleaners. I stay in my bedroom while they clean (they’re in my place for under an hour), which means I don’t need to provide house keys and am more comfortable with having different people in the (small local) service–that way I’m available if a question comes up, too. I think especially the first time you’ll want to stay there. It’s probably more comfortable if you name the structure–“I’ll be working on my laptop in the study to stay out of the way, and if you have a question you can just give me a yell there.”

      I don’t think cleaners usually judge people’s housekeeping; one cleaner I had described it as her mission to un-f people’s lives. As long as you’re pleasant and a prompt payer, they’re going to be happy to do their work for you.

    3. acmx*

      I don’t think you have to take the trash out. But ask.

      You can leave the bottles/counters uncleared, they’ll probably wipe them down. My cleaner has cleaned my shower brush before (that was a little odd for me. It wasn’t expected and barely needed it. I remove my hair from it regularly.)

      I stay when the cleaner comes, just go about my normal day. If they need something, they’ll ask.

      Ask them about the kind of cleaners and if they are pet safe.

      They won’t judge. And who cares if they do? :) (I feel the same but hey, they do this for a living).

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’d never had housecleaners until I bought a house. Initially I hired them for a one-time job, as the previous owners did NOT clean very well/at all before moving out, and I did not have time to clean AND paint AND finish packing. They did a fantastic job and I decided to have them come in every other week.

      -My cleaners take out the trash if it’s pretty full when they arrive, but I don’t know if that’s normal. I didn’t expect them to, or ask them to, but I am fine with them doing it. Dishes off the counter for sure, as much stuff off the floor as possible, minimize clutter on the surfaces you want them to clean. I don’t take things off the bathroom counters or take the bottles out of the tub/shower. If I remember to, I get the hair off the drain cover in the shower, but that’s it.
      -I would lock up your cats.
      -I have a 2 floor house. When they are cleaning upstairs I am doing stuff downstairs. When they come down, I go upstairs. This is just to stay out of their way. Since I mostly WFH and they come during the work day I’m generally working while they’re here. You can be on hand to answer questions if you want, but I don’t know that it’s strictly necessary.
      -You can absolutely ask about or recommend products. I don’t have any strong preferences, so I go with the products they recommended. If I wanted different ones they would use those.
      -They’re not going to judge you. Believe me, they’ve probably seen it all.

      It was initially tough for me to get over the “I should be able to do this/should be the one doing this” feeling. But then I remembered something Captain Awkward says – “Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money.” Neither my husband nor I want to clean, and we are especially not going to deep clean the way our cleaner does. I’d rather pay to have a clean house and spend my time doing something that I enjoy than spending time cleaning and doing a mediocre job and not having as much time for other things.

      If you have any ethical concerns, you might want to look for a locally owned business. My cleaner works for a small business owned by a woman who also is one of the cleaners.

    5. Jay*

      We tidy up and make sure the dishes are done and put away. I do not remove hair or take things out of the shower or off the bathroom counter – they move everything, clean, put it back. If it would annoy you to have them move things, you should put them away. We generally tidy the living room and dining room but often leave magazines or books and they make neat little piles.

      We always crated the dogs when we had dogs. If it would be less stressful for the cats to be locked up, then do that.

      I prefer to be out of the house when they come. That’s not always possible these days so as someone mentioned below we are upstairs when they’re downstairs and vice versa. I sometimes ask them to start in one place or another depending on when I need access to the kitchen or to my office.

      We DEFINITELY talk to them about products. We are a fragrance-free household and at first we provided everything. As they got to know us, they found products that worked for us and now they use all their own stuff.

      They will not judge. They have almost certainly seen worse. If they do, then you need someone else (I’ve never had this happen).

      I had to let go a lot of internalized crap about gender and class – I’m a cis woman who grew up fairly wealthy. My mother was one of the few in the neighborhood who didn’t have a full-time live-in housekeeper; she made do with two half-days. My husband grew up middle-class with parents who would NEVER pay someone to do something they could do themselves and his mother was, shall we say, a bit rigid about cleanliness. The good news is that she taught her sons they were capable and responsible for housework. The bad news was my husband came away convinced that it was only worth cleaning if you were going to get down on your hands and knees with a toothbrush for the grout (not kidding), thought my approach to cleaning was absurd, didn’t often do it himself because it was never the right time to do it “right” and refused to hire someone. I finally told him I could afford to hire someone and I was doing it no matter what he said. He managed to adjust. Quickly. Those first few years were not fun, though.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, I know this type! It’s so very annoying. Like, I know that you think that every frying pan should be scrubbed on the outside too, and every cup should shine and have no tea stains ever. The difference between us is that I actually get the dishes done, I don’t leave them forever and ever waiting for the mythical day that I have the energy to do it properly. You can go ahead and polish the clean dishes if you have the urge.

    6. Maggie*

      You can have it any level of clean when they come. I’ve had house cleaners come with dirty dishes all over my house and clothes everywhere and they’ll clean it and pick it up. However, I would pick up the basics and do the easy stuff and “big chunks” yourself so they can focus on just doing that deep clean. But you can leave it however you want, and no they won’t judge you. I take my dog and go somewhere. Pets def should be out of the way and I would rather just let them do their thing than try to supervise or whatever. And you can ask them about the products. I let mine use whatever products they want but I just ask for no “extra” scented things. Like just clean it, no need to clean it and then make it smell like a candy apple or whatever. Lol.

    7. Bluebell*

      We started hiring cleaners when I hit my early 50s, but had never used them before. I always do straightening and some clearing surfaces ahead of time, and I actually have to tell the cleaners if I don’t want the trash taken out. My spouse and I always make sure that we are gone, and we take the dog with us. It’s a great excuse to run errands during the day. (Spouse is WFH on the day they come. ) The cleaners have my cell phone number, and will text me if they have questions. They come every other week, and it has made a really nice difference in our life.

      1. Clisby*

        We’ve had a cleaning service come in every 2 weeks for years. When our kids lived at home they knew how to straighten up their rooms for “cleaner day.” This wasn’t to clean, but they were required to strip the sheets off their beds and put them in a laundry basket; pick up any detritus they’d accumulated (my son was bad about leaving cups or pepsi bottles around his room); empty their trash baskets; and put out clean sheets for the cleaners. We were hiring them to *clean* – not to tidy up after children. Or us, for that matter. We’ve never had dogs, but I don’t have to corral the cat. At the first hint of a stranger in the house, he high-tails it to the basement and won’t come back until the intruders clearly have gone.

    8. MJ*

      I got a cleaner when I started renting out my spare room, just because of the horror stories I heard from friends in shared houses. I didn’t NEED someone to clean since I was perfectly capable, but oh it was delightful to have everything clean at once. When I did it myself it was usually a bit each day and it never felt clean in the same way.

      I usually put away “stuff” before she arrived so she could focus on cleaning over tidying. And while she started in the bedrooms, I would wash up any dishes (dishwasher was broken) so they would be dry by the time she got to the kitchen and she could put them away.

      I also used her coming as the impetus to change the sheets. My cleaner would have changed the sheets and even done laundry / ironing if I wanted her to, but I didn’t mind doing those tasks.

      I had an independent lady rather than a service, so I provided all the equipment, supplies & cleaning products. She suggested some products but was happy to use what I wanted – as long as I didn’t get ones containing bleach.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Try to keep in mind that this is an employment relationship. You owe them the courtesy due to any professional. That means treating them politely, and not getting in the way of them doing their job.

      In this case, their job is to clean, but not to clean up. I don’t do any “cleaning” before the cleaners arrive (trash removal, hair, bathtub rings). I do “clean up” before the cleaners arrive (pick up laundry, clear off counters, put away dishes in drain rack). The idea is to make it possible for them to get to the real cleaning.

      Some cleaners bring their own products, others use whatever you provide, others ask you to buy certain items. I’m happy with any of that, but if I have specific needs I will say so. I don’t have an in-principal objection to items that have added perfumes, but I don’t like heavy cleaning scents. I ask my cleaners to use unscented or innocuous products. If that means that I have to provide something that they would otherwise bring themselves, that’s fine.

      I prefer to leave the premises when they arrive, so they can do their work in peace. The first time a cleaner comes over, I will stick around in case there are questions. After that, we usually overlap for a few minutes upon arrival, so I can tell them anything I need them to do, and they can ask questions or tell me about supplies they need. We also usually chat for a few minutes.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      1. Do what you can and have the bandwidth to do, whatever that means for you.
      2. My family would crate the corgi, but that’s because he wanted to herd the vacuum cleaner, the housecleaner himself was quite fond of Sir Fusspot.
      3. I hid under the bed until I was 15 and got hit in the face with a mop. Do not do this and you should be good.
      4. Yes! You can and should tell them that you don’t want anything that’s strongly perfumed or going to cause trouble for the cats.
      5. If the one who worked for my family didn’t judge me after hitting me in the face with a mop, you’re good. You likely cannot do anything weirder than I did as an autistic teen.

    11. Fellow Traveller*

      There is no shame at all to hire cleaners! Even if I were good at housekeeping, it’s really a question of time for me, not of ability; the cleaners can get the house clean much more quickly than I can.
      I feel like a lot of your questions you can ask your cleaner directly because they might care about some things and not about others.
      -I do tidy before our cleaners come. Like fposte, I do clean out the hair in the tub because of the gross factor. If someone in the house has had their period, I will take that bathroom trash out before the cleaners come. Some things I feel like they should not have to deal with and a trash can of period products is one of them. I will do the dishes before they come as much as possible, but they have done them if I don’t get to them. The way I tell the kids, the cleaners are here to clean the house, not tidy their mess.
      -I leave the house while the cleaners are there, but I think this varies from person to person. I like to give them space to work.
      -I think telling them what products to use is not telling them how to do their job – it’s just communicating what will work for your life. We provide all the cleaning products and supplies for our cleaners. The only thing they bring is a vacuum and a swiffer.
      – Even if they judge you, if they are professionals, you will never know, so why worry about it?

    12. eeeek*

      My husband and I have paid a housekeeper to clean our house every other week since early in our marriage as soon as we could (barely?) afford it. For us it was cheaper than therapy or lawyers and a better investment to avoid arguing regularly about sharing the work or doing it right. We’ve tried a national company (ugh), a large local company, and “Good Christian Ladies” who listed their very small company in the local paper, who then recommended
      a similar very small company when they retired.
      – Our cleaners have pointed out to us that if counters are mostly clear, surfaces picked up, and stuff put away, it is easier for them to clean and to do the work Very Well. So the canisters of kitchen tools can be on the counter, but dirty dishes or cooking tools should not be. Flat surfaces filled with stuff get dusted poorly. The rule of thumb is that they allocate a certain amount of time per house: if they have to waste time tidying before they can clean, they can only do as much cleaning as they can before moving on to their other clients. It’s better for everyone for us to tidy, but (we’re told, often) it’s okay to ask them to make the beds (we strip them and put out the clean sheets) or ask them to throw a load of towels in the wash.
      – We close the dog in a room where the cleaners don’t go, usually where one of use may be WFH. Prior to the pandemic, when we had dogs who went to daycare, cleaning was also daycare day. Our cat is loose in the house, but these cleaners know him and know his rules.
      – Prior to the pandemic, we were at work on cleaning days. Now that we might be WFH, we generally stay out of their way. They don’t clean our offices (too much to tidy!), so we hang out there. But if I can I say hello, chat a little, and ask if things are working well (cleaning my home-wise) for them. Since I know they’re not making as much money since the pandemic, I’ve been supplying products, so I ask if I need to pick up more products, if the products they’re using are effective, if I can ask their advice about whether I need a new cleaning-related X and if so what they recommend. (“Never Buy THIS Again!” is advice to heed.) The Owner/Lead and I walk around the house together every few months and she points out when something’s not right/needs attention. She adds to my “honey-do” list. (I have done this more frequently with her than I have done with my spouse…)
      – I know the people who clean my house probably think we’re odd. But we’re all very nice to each other and we’re still on their schedule. I never cleaned houses, but I worked as a maid in college. From my POV, unless you’re doing things that are seriously inconsiderate (leaving gross messes, making them clean around you while you’re still in bed, forgetting to provide products, bouncing the paycheck, never giving a raise or a holiday bonus), or you’re otherwise being a jerk, you’re probably not going to be judged harshly.

      Keep fighting that “women should be good at housekeeping” brainworm. Perhaps add “and so many other things…which they have time for when they hire out the work they least like to do.” Or try, “I am good at housekeeping; but just because I can DIY, doesn’t mean I want to do it, or that this is the best use of my time, or that I can’t prefer the results when someone else does it.”

      Enjoy.

      1. Clisby*

        I love having the cleaners come to our house; every 2 weeks we get a reset to a reasonable standard of cleanliness (and neatness, because we always tidy up when they’re coming).

        Fortunately, housecleaning has never been a point of contention between me and my husband, because we both dislike housecleaning and we have similar tolerance levels about how clean a house needs to be. We were in 100% agreement on hiring cleaners.

    13. UKDancer*

      I have a cleaner once per month to clean my flat. It’s a small flat and I can do what’s needed in between. I use a cleaning agency and they mostly send me the same person but all their staff clean in the same way.

      I tidy before she comes and make sure she’s got access to the surfaces she needs to clean. I ask her to empty the bins as one of her jobs because I don’t like doing it and that’s fine. If there’s anything you particularly want done a certain way then it’s good to let the cleaner know that. For example, I take the bottles out of the shower and ask for her to clean the shower caddy.

      I provide the cleaning products, but it probably varies and it’s something you need to discuss with your cleaner or the service you use. My cleaning service charges more if you want them to provide the products and as I’ve got them in the cupboard anyway it’s not worth the extra money to me. My cleaner asked me to get a particular cleaning product because she said it would help, but otherwise she uses what I’ve got.

      I don’t think she judges me, at least she never does to my face. She doesn’t speak much English and I don’t speak Romanian so I’ve no idea what she says behind my back, and it doesn’t bother me either way.

      I think the main thing to remember is that it’s a professional relationship not a friendship. They’re there to do a job just like the decorator or the plumber would be. I treat her with respect as a professional, offer her a cup of tea and say thank you as I would with any other tradesperson. I don’t have a lengthy chat with her because she’s there to do a job.

      I tend to stick around in case there are questions and because it’s usually a day when I’m working from home. Usually I sit in the lounge while she cleans the bedroom, box room, kitchen and bathroom then I move into the bedroom while she does the lounge.

      1. Toads, Beetles, Bats*

        Tell me more about the box room. What is it? I’m intrigued and from an English-speaking country that doesn’t have that term.

        1. UKDancer*

          It’s a very small bedroom that doesn’t really have room for much in it beside a single bed and a cupboard. I guess it was a room people stored boxes in at some point hence the name. An estate agent would probably call it an office or a second bedroom but it’s very small.

    14. PsychNurse*

      This is going to sound so absurd but: The first step once you reach out to a cleaning company or cleaning person is that they are going to come to your house and give you an estimate. When they do that, make sure your house is its NORMAL level of dirtiness! We have SUCH an ingrained idea that we need to tidy up before someone comes in. But then what happens is, they’ll quote you a price, which is of course based on what they see. Then for the rest of your existence, you’ll feel that you have to clean before they come! Be honest with yourself and with them. If there are usually socks on the floor, and in your dream scenario, the housecleaned would pick them up for you, then leave them there for the estimate.

  42. Sunflower*

    Question about cooking spices!

    Do people notice a real difference between cheap and expensive spices? I don’t have a ton in my spice cabinet- maybe 10-15 – but I tend to buy the cheap stuff because why not? If I splurge, are the spices actually better/keep longer or are there certain ones that you should splurge vs save on?

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I do notice a difference, especially in blends & stuff like cinnamon. And the cheap stuff often has fillers or ingredients that aren’t on the label.

      I am lucky to live in a town with an excellent spice shop that sells in bulk. And I go through a lot of herbs & spices.

    2. BRR*

      I notice a difference in some more than others but I do notice a difference. I don’t think they would necessarily keep longer. I would splurge on ones you use the most and if you notice any cheap ones are particularly bad.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I splurge on paprika especially if making something like Hungarian goulash where it’s a big part of the dish – cheap paprika tastes a bit dusty to me.

    4. Elf*

      If you are hoping for spices that will keep better, buy whole instead of ground. Ideally you don’t want to be keeping ground spices past a year, they lose potency.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I notice a taste/freshness difference. Not enough of one to go to extra trouble, though, and unless I wind up in a spice shop (the sort that does NOT sell saffron in a clear jar so you can see the pretty color) I go with what my local supermarkets have. (Recently tend to get Whole Foods, as they have small versions.)

      I would not expect it to last longer, and if paying extra would buy a small amount and try to think of things I could make over the next few months that would feature that spice.

    6. RagingADHD*

      IME, with dried herbs price makes no difference in quality, as long as you check any best-by dates.

      For spices, it can make a difference, but not so big a difference that I am willing to splurge on something I use rarely. Because they all go stale eventually, and then the quality difference is erased.

    7. Pool Lounger*

      I definitely notice a difference. Bay leaves are a big one—you can see the difference between dry, crumbling leaves and fresher ones in the bottle. Cinnamon, Sichuan pepper, dried chilies, paprika, and real saffron are others where I really notice a difference. No point cooking with old, dusty spices or ones with little flavor!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Yeah, I never really saw the point of bay leaves, as we only had the cheap dried version (and kept them on the shelf for many, many years at that). And then one year I got a small bay shrub and discovered the delights of *fresh* bay leaves – a completely different aroma and flavor. And when I dry my own fresh leaves they retain more of the flavor compounds than any of the commercial dried varieties. (Where I live, bay won’t winter over, so I pot it up and bring it inside for the winters.)

    8. Hello sunshine*

      I love penzeys. If there is a store near you I recommend going. It’s an experience. Or mail order.

  43. Decidedly Me*

    Anyone with experience with eSIMs? I’m going to be out of the country for an extended period of time and am looking at data-only eSIMs (specifically Airalo). I have a travel plan on my phone, which has been fine for short trips, but it would cost me the price of a new phone for this one. I’ve heard good things, so hopeful it’ll work! The complicated bit is my current plan. I was hoping that I could just turn off data on my main SIM so I could get incoming texts on my line (incoming doesn’t trigger the travel plan), but apparently there is no way to make it so that SIM doesn’t try to connect to data, so I’ll have to deactivate or remove the SIM itself. Any experiences, thoughts, advice on the situation or eSIMs in general would be great :)

    1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I used Airalo eSIMs in Portugal and the Czech Republic earlier this year and here were my takeaways:

      -make sure you have printed out your QR code at home before you leave and have that with you in your carry-on.

      -make sure you know where to get some wifi when you arrive. I was lucky that both the Lisbon and Prague airports have free wifi, so I was able to set up my sim immediately and use it for googlemaps, but otherwise I would’ve been a little stuck.

      -for whatever reason, I couldn’t figure out a way to make phone calls with my eSIM. I tried skype, google voice, turning on wifi calling on my phone… Nothing worked for me. Not sure what I was doing wrong, but all I could do was email, web search, and google maps– which was still great!

  44. Insurance and ACA*

    I had surgery that is covered under ACA, as long as it’s coded a certain way. Does that mean my plan’s coinsurance does or does not apply? Neither my insurance documents nor the CS line is giving me a straight answer. It comes to about 3k so it’s not a trivial amount.

    1. Llama Llama*

      As a mom of kids with lots of medical problems be prepared for them to deny the claim and be prepared to fight that it truly does.
      Insurance companies are cheapos and find a reason to deny the claim when you infact are fully covered.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        As a former kid with lots of medical problems, I think my parents’ insurance company’s motto is to deny everything the first time around no matter what. Still not looking forwards to having to find my own coverage when the time comes, though.

    2. Generic+Name*

      This is going to be very plan specific, especially since “covered” doesn’t necessarily mean “plan pays it all”. It might mean you owe a copay, or coinsirance if you haven’t met your deductible or if you have met your deductible, you might have to pay nothing.

      My husband had a covered surgery and we still owed several thousand.

    3. Belle*

      What I have found is covered usually means it is included under your plan but you would still need to pay your deductible and then co-insurance costs (vs not included and you would have to pay 100 percent of the cost yourself).

      So for example, if it costs $3000, you would need to pay 100% until deductible is met and then a coinsurance % on remaining amount.

    4. bratschegirl*

      “Covered” usually means that the insurance company will pay whatever their share is depending on the details of your plan and whether you’ve satisfied your deductible (if any) or whether you’ve reached your yearly out of pocket max. It almost certainly doesn’t mean they will pay everything. “Not covered” would mean you’re on the hook for the full cost and they pay zippo.

  45. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Looking for deodorant recommendations! My mom has used Dry Idea roll-on deodorant for 4 decades, and now it has been discontinued.
    What might make a good replacement? She doesn’t like Ban, which seems to be the only other roll-on available. It has to be deodorant & antiperspirant, not just one. I would appreciate any suggestions.

    1. GoryDetails*

      If she’s devoted to roll-on I can’t help – I gave that up the moment I first came across the stick form. Am currently using Mennen Speed Stick, unscented. (It’s marketed for men, but I discovered decades ago that the marketed-for-women-with-scents-and-flowers versions tended to cost more per ounce; I don’t know if that’s still the case, but since I prefer unscented anyway I switched to the marketed-to-men version and never looked back.)

    2. Rosengilmom*

      amazon (US) still has the dry idea roll on, don’t buy it all I need some myself . used it just as long as your mom.

    3. Generic+Name*

      I like lady speed stick invisible solid. If she likes roll on, she might prefer the clear gel type of deodorant.

    5. *daha**

      I’m a guy who uses the unscented Mitchum roll-on. It is an antiperspirant deodorant. There is also a scented version, but I’ve never felt that I wanted people to smell my deodorant, so I haven’t tried it. Last time I restocked I couldn’t find it at Walmart or Target, but got it from the regional Meijer chain. 3rd party vendors carry it on Amazon, marked up by about a third.

    6. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I used dry idea roll on for many years but I switched to the gel version (it looks like a solid/stick dispenser) and it seems to work just as well. I like it because it dries faster than the roll on. Maybe that’s an option?

  46. Zephy*

    Hello!

    I posted here a few weeks ago about my and my husband’s honeymoon trip to Berlin. Tickets are now booked! We’ll be there for two weeks right after Christmas, which means *this* Florida gal needs to find some cold-weather gear, stat. I want whatever I buy to be comfortable and warm enough, but by the same token, I literally need this stuff for eleven days, and then likely won’t need it again for, oh, a year, at least.

    Seeking: Bottom base layer – thermal leggings, tights (footless or otherwise), or long johns.
    Size range: Around a US women’s 14, aka the size ghetto of “too big for straight sizes but too small for plus sizes.” 43″ hips, 38″ waist, 26″ inseam.
    Preferences: machine washable, basic neutral colors, quick-drying, not too expensive, free shipping/free returns ideally. Aiming to buy 2 pair. I have Prime (not open to debates about whether I should have/use prime. bezos can choke, I just need warm pants.)

    1. Alex*

      I like cuddle duds, and Target has a discount version that is perfectly fine, called “warm essentials”. Sometimes you can also find them discounted at Kohls.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I was going to recommend target, cuddle duds, and warm essentials. The thin base layer, not the fleece version – that’s too warm.

        I’ve also gotten a quality warm coat from JC Penneys in the south.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      Looking at Berlin weather in that time frame…are you sure you need that? It looks to average around -5 to +5 Celsius so…between 25 and 35-ish, Fahrenheit. Unless you’re going to be hiking in the wilderness I feel like a base layer would be way, way overkill for that type of weather. Honestly if you’re only going to be wearing it for a few days I’d probably just wear regular pants, make sure I had a decent coat or jacket and boots that won’t let in too much water, and that would probably be just fine.

      1. acmx*

        Yes, a Floridian will need a pair of tights under jeans lol We get a maybe 2 weeks at that temperature. We are cold at 60F. Some of us are chilly at 75…

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Honestly this is something for the OP to consider. How long will you be outside? Will it be windy? Will it be sunny?

        I’m a southerner who went on northerly vacation last year and wound up taking off a layer and carrying it around after I started sweating because I overdid it. I probably was wearing a warm essentials base with a good sweater and good coat.

        It’s a lot harder to take off a bottom layer so a a long, warm coat can make a big difference do you don’t have to layer pants especially if you’re not outdoors in the weather for long periods of time.

      3. Auslaender*

        Wind chill is definitely a thing in Berlin. It might feel colder than that on any given day.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes, I mean there is a wind chill factor but it’s not the Arctic. I tend to wear a thermal vest (Marks and Spencers) under a mid weight jumper and a windproof / rainproof layer. I usually take a pair of thick wool tights to wear under my trousers (Falke do the best ones in my view) but I don’t always need them during the day.

          If you’re indoors especially I wouldn’t expect to need to layer up excessively. If you’re wandering around outdoors at night then it will feel colder because of the wind chill so I tend to wear an extra layer at night.

      5. Britchikaa*

        I used to live in Berlin. It’s unbelievably freezing in January. I’m from London (which is hardly tropical) and my regular winter clothes and winter coat that I can wear quite happily all through an English winter were not up to the job of a Berlin cold snap at all.

        Definitely take thermal tights, a thick coat (or layers) and definitely definitely thermal gloves. I brought cashmere gloves and my hands were just frozen stiff in them.

    3. Defective Jedi*

      Not sure if you use Facebook, but your local Buy Nothing group may be a good resource to borrow or be gifted this type of clothing. Other people have undoubtedly done a similar trip or moved from colder climates and have this stuff in their storages. Viel Spass!

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        I was going to suggest this! I bet you’d be able to borrow something suitable from a neighbor.

        If you do buy, you can get the cheapo versions and they’ll hold up just fine for a short trip, so the most important thing is fit and thickness/level of warmth. I’ve never lived in a Florida-like climate and have been in a place with real winters for several years, and my base layers are pretty legging-like, ranging from Uniqlo (very thin, not sufficient for your needs) to Coldpruf (I forget the price but you’d probably be a bit on the cold side unless your pants are thick) to Patagonia (expensive and durable, slightly warmer than the Coldpruf) to a stretchy fleecey legging from a discount store (by far the warmest and cheapest, generally comfy but the waistband is up to my ribcage). Also note that exercise leggings can double as a base layer, or even a skin-tight layer under long johns, which widens your range of options.

    4. Ranon*

      Duluth trading company is a place to look, they’re quite solid in your size range and good for cold weather basics. I also find good deals on Poshmark.

    5. SofiaDeo*

      Check out cold weather stuff from sporting goods and hunting places, or ski stores. Go for footless base layers, if you have 2 pairs (unless you are exercising & sweating a lot) they can go a week sometime 2, without washing if you let 1 pair hang up to “air dry” a day while wearing the other, with fresh socks daily, I can do this on a 10 day ski trip, 2 base layer bottoms, daily t shirt/undershirt with sleeves of some sort not sleeveless, with 4 long sleeve tops (2 to alternate every other day, 2 to alternate evenings). 2 pairs of day bottoms(one worn on plane), 1 evening. 2 extra pairs of underwear and socks. If you get ski or hiking wicking base layers, they will most likely dry out overnight if hand washed in the sink. Not a hunter so IDK how quickly that stuff dries but I imagine it does. I prefer the ski stuff because, IMO a lot of ski tops (and base layers) are really cute and some go day or night compared to jogging or hunting stuff. if you spill on something, having a top that will hand wash & dry overnight is great, instead of more traditional evening wear made of heavier silks and wools versus the ski version in those fabrics. I personally don’t want to spend time washing underwear & socks so never skimp on those, but washing out a top 1-2 times a week isn’t a huge time suck. If you want to deal with washing undies/socks, look for wicking/quick dry sports stuff instead of the regular stuff you already own. The sports stuff is extremely lightweight, packs well, and you can use them afterwards so IMO the cost is justified (they are procier than regular undergarments) IDK if stores will be open much where you are because of the storm, but Peter Glenn and Dicks are online if not open. Also Google “ski clothing outlet stores online” and you will see a bunch.

      A Floridian will probably *want* base layers compared to someone living further north. I spent several decades there before moving back to the northern Rocky Mountains, and I was freezing in 50 degree weather the first few years. Not to mention if it’s windy at all, and you won’t get the “warmth” you would get from the sun being that far north. Better to do 2-3 layers and remove one, than be freezing in jeans without a base layer if it happens to be windy and overcast.

    6. Circuses are Coordinated*

      Have a great trip!

      Cuddle-duds are warm, soft, and reasonably priced. For layering under jeans it is worth taking a look at the Capilene (not sure on spelling) leggings from Patagonia. They are pricier, but I find the waistband much better versus cuddle-duds. Also they ventilate better, dry quickly, and keep shape well. I have two pairs I bought in 2014 and wear constantly in the damp Northern Europe winters.

    7. StatKat*

      I wear silk long underwear under my pants all winter. It is not too warm for inside but definitely helps cut the chill outside. I got mine from LLBean. If it is really cold sometimes I add another layer over the silk of thicker long johns but most of the time the silk is enough.

    8. Christmas Carol*

      I think it would be rather fun, and a bit romantic, to plan on doing some at least some local shopping in Germany and pick up a sweater or two as souvenir.

    9. Esmeralda*

      How fashionable do you want to be? When I lived in Chicago I wore tights every day, boot sox, hiking boots. Pants or skirt or dress with that. Long sleeve mock turtle tee, chunky pullover sweater, long coat. Silk scarf for next to my neck/face, hat, big woolen shawl which could be wrapped around my head when it was windy or snowy or sleety.

      The aim was to keep my feet dry and to be able to walk a lot in comfort, layers for warmth and to strip off when inside (always overheated), keep my head dry.

      If you don’t go for the nerdy hiking boot look, you could wear doc martens. Pick comfy boots or shoes that are good for walking and that will keep your feet warm and dry.

  47. Sick and Tired in TX*

    I’m disabled and on my husband’s health insurance, it covers him at no cost, but the premium is getting pretty outrageous to keep me on and we’re thinking about moving me to medicare and/or private health insurance thru the marketplace.

    It’s all so confusing, who do I talk to for counseling and comparing plans, are there brokers for this sort of thing? Looking online at the gov website a plan for just me is around $1100 to $1400 a mo…does that sound right? Because dang!! We have an AGI of about $62k and are in a HCOL in TX.

    1. Sick and Tired in TX*

      Or maybe that was the result for both of us. It had me enter info for everyone in our household

    2. Sunflower*

      Your husband probably has an EAP at work- I can’t be positive but they may be able to help with something like this

    3. fposte*

      There is a federal program called SHIP, Senior Health Insurance Program; the Texas version is called HICAP, Health Information, Counseling, and Advocacy Program, and it looks like it has a free phone helpline. I don’t know if you’re talking about Medicare because you’re post-65 or because of SSDI, but the terminology suggests they might be able to help you either way.

      1. Sick and Tired in TX*

        Yes, I have a call into them but they’re pretty overworked and understaffed and can take a while to get back to you. I’m 50 and on ssdi, so eligible for medicare but we choose his health plan instead when I first became disabled. Oct is his plan’s open enrollment period and I’m trying to be proactive as we have to make a decision by the end of the month.

    5. Generic+Name*

      I’m pretty sure it differs by state, but my husband gets his insurance through the state health insurance exchange (“Obamacare”) and his premium is about $300 a month.

      1. Sick and Tired in TX*

        This is where I went (healthcare dot gov) and got the $1100 result. I feel like that can’t be right and has to at least be for both of us since it asked for his information too, but I can’t find anything on the site that says if it’s per person or not.

        1. Morning Dew*

          When you try to get a quote from that website, it will ask you who is in the household and their and your income whether the coverage is just for you on not. Once they have the marital information and income information, it will ask you if the coverage is just for you or you & your spouse. Make sure you choose that the coverage is just for you.

          If you want the government’s help with paying premium, it will recommend you choose “silver plan” so your monthly premium won’t be so high. I don’t know if it’s a TX thing but the monthly premium you mention seems really high considering both of your income.

          1. Sick and Tired in TX*

            Thanks, I was looking for the option to choose coverage just for me, but never saw it. I haven’t actually made an acct yet, just went thru the ‘Will You Save’ link, so maybe that’s it.

    6. asteramella*

      Since you’re in Texas, check out Foundation Communities’ free enrollment assistance! They are based in central TX but will help anyone in the state. They can help you understand whether you qualify for premium subsidies and figure out a plan that would be best for your needs. InsureCentralTexas dot org directs to their enrollment assistance website.

      1. Sick and Tired in TX*

        Thanks this looks very helpful, we’re actually in Austin and support Foundation Communities, I had no idea they offered this service!

    7. Clisby*

      If you’re eligible for Medicare, Part A (hospitalization) doesn’t have a premium. Part B (the part that covers doctor visits, hospital outpatient visits, some other things) looks like it would cost you about $170/month – Medicare would pay 80% and you’d pay 20%. Part D (prescription drugs), if you want it, would vary by plan. Then there are Medicare Advantage and Medigap insurance, which are optional.

  48. Loopy*

    I’m a sucker for a good spiced hot apple cider. Living in Southeast SC, I can find some cold apple ciders but they are too sweet and aren’t what I’m thinking of flavor wise.

    Any tips for kits or something online I can buy to make a really good spiced apple cider? Mulling spices? Anything simple would be appreciated. Also if there’s a way to make this when the cold apple cider is no longer available as a base I’d love to know. It gets good and chilly here past prime apple cider season :(

    1. Not A Manager*

      IIRC, Cook’s Illustrated has a good recipe for hot spiced cider. I don’t usually use a recipe. I’ll toss in some cinnamon sticks, some cloves, and whatever other spices I have around that smell nice. One secret is when the cider has been mulled for a while and you’re ready to serve it, squeeze some fresh lemon juice into it. That adds some complexity and cuts the sweetness.

    2. Drawer full of cake*

      Depends on how particular you are, but I’ve had pretty good success with heating up some regular apple juice with some whole spices (cinnamon sticks, cardamom pods, whole cloves, star anise, and whole allspice are all good if you can find them) and a bit of vanilla extract. Just simmer for 5-10 minutes and strain the spices out. You can also add some lemon and/or orange slices if you’re fancy, and it can be nice with spiced rum if you’re into that sort of thing. In my opinion, the vanilla, cinnamon, and cardamom are the most important components.

    4. Bluebell*

      I haven’t tried it, but Penzeys has mulling spices on their website. My experiences with their stuff have been very good.

  49. Jackalope*

    Our usual gaming thread starter isn’t here, so starting a gaming thread. As always, open to any kind of games. What have you been playing this week?

    1. Generic+Name*

      We played Qwerkle with our teenager the other day and when I went to read the directions, I realized that we had been playing it wrong for years, haha.

      I think we’ll play Magic the Gathering tonight. I have a new deck I need to refine. My husband has this deck that is really brutal.

      1. DarthVelma*

        We’re deeply enmeshed in MTG at my house right now as well. I think I mentioned it last week, but we’re having our 2nd annual Commander tourney. Yesterday’s round 1 matchup between The Reaper King and Elsha of the Infinite was brutal. Long, complex games. And we still have one more game with them today (all matchups are best 2 out of 3).

        1. Generic+Name*

          Cool! We have a couple of commander starter decks but haven’t played the commander style. My son and I are newbies and still learning. My main deck is a single color deck.

    2. Holly the spa pro*

      I picked up Potion Permit and having fun with it. I love the art style and the mini game for making potions. I wish the other mini games were a bit more challenging but it’s pretty comfy and fun and it was only $20 so not too bad.

      I also downloaded the demo for Harvestella and it has a lot of potential. the game is very good looking and I really enjoy the combat and exploration. it looks like the farming aspect is pretty basic compared to something like rune factory but maybe the depth will come later. so far, it’s kinda what I wanted RF5 to be so I may get it when it releases. the eshop has had some good sales in the last couple weeks, it’s been hard to resist :)

    3. Porch Screens*

      I’ve moved on from Hollow Knight to the Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous cRPG! Actually started it up a couple of times way back in the early part of the year and played through to Act 3 or so before getting alt-itis and wanting to roll with a new character, which is a thing I had also done with Pathfinder: Kingmaker (which I did eventually finish early this year). But this time I’m determined to go all the way through with one character before I even think about starting up another game!

      Of course that’s only for the PC. I work nights and often take our Switch to work to play when I happen to have downtime, so I’m not certain if I’ll also start up a new game on the Switch or just stick to WotR for the time being. Unlike my husband I have a harder time splitting my focus between multiple games – it’s part of the reason I finally unsubbed from WoW a few years ago and why I tried, but ultimately put down, FFXIV even though I enjoyed the game. I found that I was spending all my free gaming time with those and letting my collection of unplayed console/PC games pile up.

    4. Smol Book Wizard*

      I’m deep int0 Genshin Impact and so is spouse. I came into it by way of fanfiction and fanart, and have, as expected, “given back” on a03, haha. The gameplay is a good level of challenge for me, and I like the fun of it and the character stuff more than any particular DPS strategy… also since I pulled my dear and capable friend Diluc I am very laid-back about the gacha element.
      It is a fluff game story-wise, or I would have said so until I got to Inazuma. Now it’s dystopian and sad as well as fluff and beauty, and I very very badly want to go fight the ruler of that poor country, and am disappointed I can never get a dialogue option to agree to anyone’s revolution plans.

  50. idiotic Facebook buyers*

    I am selling a pair of brand new true wireless earbuds on Facebook.
    Someone contacted me on Sept. 16 and we agree to a price.
    Then he says, nope, the item is sold for $20 less.
    Those were only available in Plum color. Mine are black.
    He ghosts me from his Facebook buyer’s account until yesterday Sept. 30.
    Out of the blue, he says he wants to meet that morning to buy the earbuds.
    I ignored the flake.
    Right thing to do?

    1. Generic+Name*

      In my experience with online local sales is I’ve regretted it every time I’ve given a flaky person the benefit of the doubt. This much back and forth and changing his mind is not a good sign. I think you are right to ignore from now on.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I had someone flake 2 or 3 times on an item and was about to give up on them when they came to pick it up (it was free so a no-contact pickup). Like a month later she messaged me apologizing for never picking it up! No idea where it ended up but that’s the only thing that ever disappeared off our porch, so weird that it was something we wanted gone lol

    4. Holly*

      Probably! I hate people like that… that said, one time some guy was pulling this crap with me and kept ghosting on picking up and so when he messaged again to set up yet another time (the second or third time), I just said “No, I don’t appreciate you wasting my time ghosting me” and wow did that turn him around – weirdly! He convinced me to give him one last shot (and he upped the amount he was offering as he’d previously haggled me down (selling speakers)) and he showed up on time. Idk!

    5. KatEnigma*

      I have a story about a listing I had where I let the guy talk me into giving him the item FOR FREE (non profit needed this window AC unit) and he still flaked on me 4 times and then was verbally abusive when I told him to forget it then, before I blocked him.

      Block him, not just ignore.

  51. Anon for this*

    Suggestions for jewelry brands for young girls?

    My 8 year old niece is excited to be getting her ears pierced and I want to get her some jewelry. I’m thinking it will need to be true gold, not plated or silver/stainless. She is a NYC kid with pretty sophisticated taste, though still enough of a kid that she’d probably still be excited about something Elsa-themed or anything pink sparkly unicorn, haha!

    Thanks so much in advance for any suggestions!

    1. Observer*

      Yes, get real gold posts or platinum.

      Studs are a good idea for a kid that age – at this point there is a good chance that she’ll wind catching anything that dangles or large hoops on something.

      Does she have a favorite stone or color? That’s usually a good start for decent pair of earnings.

    3. asteramella*

      Automic Gold is a NYC based brand that makes solid gold jewelry. It’s not cheap, but they have some really cute studs with monograms, shapes, birthstones etc. They are also a queer and trans owned business that pays all staff a living wage, and all the gold they use is recycled from old electronics :)

    4. No Tribble At All*

      I’ve heard good things about ComfyEarrings (comfy earrings dot com) which have smooth backs to keep from catching. They’re not as easy to change as “regular” earrings though. I have a pair on order right now!

    5. MissCoco*

      If you’re thinking gold for the body safe aspect and not the niceness, I’d recommend local piercing shops. Many even have online stores these days, and most sell only body safe jewelry, but still more affordable than gold
      Especially for a kid you could probably get a selection of colorful studs or some fun shapes like animals, hearts, or stars/moons, plus they will likely have flat back style, great for sleeping in and less risk of getting stabbed with an earring back during any roughhousing.

    6. Smol Book Wizard*

      Check out SilverRainSilver on etsy! They’re an English company, but the shipping is fast and cheap, and the quality of the earrings is wonderful. They have some cute things but mostly are classic, ageless designs.
      I like their screw-on backs which might be rather difficult for an 8-year-old to manage, but if she has a favorite pair that she wishes to don and forget about, an adult could be petitioned to help.

  52. Jackalope*

    This is a bit late but I’ll see if anyone has any ideas. Thoughts on bicycling sandals for women? I’ve tried to find them, and they are vanishingly rare these days. My old pair is pretty sturdy but I’ve had them for a number of years and don’t know how much longer they’ll last, so am trying to find a replacement pair.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      They’re not clip in, but Teva Tirra are great for cycling. Not going to fall off and nice stiff sole. Very comfortable. I didn’t buy them for cycling but they turned out great for it. I own two pairs, and they’ve lasted quite a few years.

      https://www.teva.com/women-sandals/tirra/

    3. Missb*

      I’ve used Keen’s bike sandals before and loved them. They have a very heavy sole and aren’t so unwieldy that you can’t walk around in them a bit. I used them on a two-week bike trip. Fine for short walks off the bike but I wouldn’t want to hike in them for hours.

      And I assumed they still make the commuter sandals but I’m not seeing them on REI’s website. Hm.

      1. Jackalope*

        Yeah, I’m sad that Keens doesn’t seem to make biking sandals anymore. I’m hoping they’ll start again because they’re a brand that generally fits me pretty well; not enough arch support in their walking shoes, but their biking sandals were generally good. My current aging pair is from Keens.

  53. All het up about it*

    Just diagnosed with ADHD – Inattentive as an adult. Got my meds and so far, I’m not seeing much impact from them. I know some people have to play with meds for ages before they find something that works, but I’ll admit I’m disappointed.

    Any tips for dealing with the disappointment or the whole process? Honestly, so many of the posts where ADHD was discussed in the comments were one of the first clues to my self diagnosis that was recently made official.

    1. Generic+Name*

      I don’t want to veer into medical advice, so I’d talk to your prescribing doctor. Maybe the type of medication needs to be switched or the dosage needs adjusting.

      1. All het up about it*

        I’m not looking for medical advice. I’ve got several appointments set up with my doctor over the next few months where I know we will be talking, evaluating, and experimenting.

        I’m more looking for commiseration for anyone else who’s gone through the process and any tips/suggestions for coping with disappointment.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Well, everybody’s different, but personally I don’t find it helpful or comforting when people sugar coat things or give me BS. So as a compatriot in the Brain Wars, I’m going not going to BS you.

      A major, very common trait of ADHD is a strong tendency to magical thinking. We fall very easily into the fallacy that if we just fix this *one* thing, it will fix everything.

      It’s a lie. We fall for it every time, but it just isn’t true.

      ADHD is a complex developmental disorder with a lot of moving parts. It affects many parts of our lives, and takes a lot of different approaches to compensate for those problems.

      If you are severely disappointed because you don’t see big, instant transformation from the first thing you tried, then you had unrealistic expectations. Maybe that was from picking and choosing online anecdotes. Maybe it was because your doctor didn’t talk to you realistically. Maybe the magical thinking snuck up on you. IDK, but the reality is that your situation is completely normal.

      A *lot* of people need to experiment with different dosage levels or med types. Sometimes, stimulants tend to work better for the hyperactive-impulsive or combined types than for purely inattentive type. For some people, meds don’t work at all, or the meds that work have such bad side effects they can’t keep taking them. (It me.)

      And meds by themselves are not a magic bullet. The things that make your life better are the systems, tools, and supports that compensate for your executive function deficits. The meds make it easier to use those tools, to be consistent, and to get the most benefit. But they don’t do the work for you.

      I am sorry you didn’t get a big change immediately. I empathize, and I understand how you feel. But at the same time, it can be equally disappointing for people who *feel* dramatically different right away, but then gradually realize the feeling isn’t automatically manifesting into changed outcomes.

      I hope you stick with it and find a regimen that works for you, whether that includes meds or not. Don’t let the disappointment get the better of you, because it’s just a temporary pause or turn in the road. Keep at it, and one way or another you’ll see changes happen over time.

      1. All het up about it*

        Thank you for this! A kind reality check really does help. I definitely let myself hope/expect that meds would be a magic and instantaneous fix. On the other side of that now, it seems obvious that wasn’t a realistic expectation to have, but have it I did and now I’ve got to deal with it.

        I do feel like the meds might be contributing to some insomnia, but I’ve got a new plan for this week, to take my pill literally first thing in the morning to limit that side effect and hopefully I’ll see more of an effect during the work day. So the experiment continues!

        1. Flowers*

          I’m surprised the Dr didn’t mention that to you. I always take mine first thing in the morning, or as close as possible. Good luck with it!

          1. All het up about it*

            We did discuss taking them in the morning on an empty stomach. The problem is or was, that I would still often have an empty stomach at say 9 in the morning once I was at the office. So this week is the week of putting the “first” into first thing. :)

      2. Flowers*

        A major, very common trait of ADHD is a strong tendency to magical thinking. We fall very easily into the fallacy that if we just fix this *one* thing, it will fix everything.

        Every single thing you said is amazingly true but I just had to point out – I never realized it was an ADHD thing but OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD it is definitely something I’ve had pretty much all my life.
        “If I lose weight/get a full time job/move to a new place” etc.

        As much as I try to keep realistic expectations, I definitely fell into that mental trap with another medicine (for something unrelated to this).

        1. All het up about it*

          Agree – I’ve had this mentality for most of my life. (Frequently around weightloss!) There are times when I’ve been able to recognize it as a fallacy, but it’s interesting with how it’s popped up, and probably continues to pop up in other more subtle ways!

    3. asteramella*

      I felt zero effects from meds for like 6 weeks while my psych kept gradually upping my dosage—not even side effects like trouble sleeping or dry mouth. I also felt disappointed, since I couldn’t help but hope I’d be one of the people who reports a huge noticeable improvement in mood and executive functioning right away.

      Once we got to the right dosage, I still didn’t really *feel* different emotionally, or experience a huge surge in productivity or anything—I just would feel less scattered than usual during the day and then notice a drop in focus at the end of the day when the effects wore off. I can definitely tell a difference between days when I take it and days when I don’t, but it’s not as dramatic as some people experience.

    4. Tib*

      There’s 2 parts to trying a med: are any side effects manageable and does it help. Your results could be considered positive because it appears you tolerate the med. it could be all you have to do is tweak the dosage. I had to discontinue Ritalin because it made my anxiety worse. Now I’m on Adderall and we just bumped my dosage to the next level. I tolerate it well, now we have to figure out if it’s beneficial. I think it’s really hard to evaluate meds like this because it is a little bit magical. It’s not the type of drug that makes your heart beat more regularly, and it doesn’t directly change your behavior, it makes it easier for you to change your behavior and that’s really hard to test and measure. And I don’t think heart meds have bad days, but you most certainly will even on adhd meds. And If your adhd makes self-assessment hard, then evaluating your meds will also be hard. Also, if you don’t naturally have structure and outside accountability in your life then it can be hard to see the differences between meds and no meds. Being a SAHM of an adhd teenager during the pandemic was my worst productivity ever. I got way more done when he was a toddler.

      So I’m with you. It’s hard and frustrating. It sounds like you’ve got a very organized dr with an actual process. Are you seeing a general practitioner or an adhd or mental health specialist? I’m curious about their process because my dr is a gp and means well, but I’m having to take the lead in finding the right med and that’s hard to do with adhd and anxiety and not knowing how the process is supposed to work.

      It could also be that this med will just help you see the next step and that’s good enough. I started with an antidepressant which made me realize that I very likely had adhd and that I was worthy of knowing for sure with an evaluation. I think my current adhd med is helping me see I need additional support in the form of an adhd coach and maybe hormone replacement therapy. So far my meds make my curious and experimental. I can see where I struggle, understand this is a symptom, and experiment with things to try and improve my results. My time blindness isn’t a moral failure, it’s a symptom that can be managed or honored.

      1. Tib*

        Also, look for other ways to evaluate if the meds are working. I’m not entirely sure this is the right med and dosage for me, but I’m relieved and happy when I get my refills.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I went by stuff like:

          1) The size of the pile of clean laundry that needed folding/putting away.

          2) How long it had been since I paid a late fee on a bill or library book.

          3) How frequently I was going to bed on time.

          4) How many days a week I had to frantically hunt for something (keys, shoes, phone) before leaving the house.

          Things you can track, count, and compare are helpful.

        2. All het up about it*

          Thank you!
          This is a helpful way of reframing my expectations. And I appreciate Raging’s list of items below!

      2. Flowers*

        …. it doesn’t directly change your behavior, it makes it easier for you to change your behavior and that’s really hard to test and measure.

        I really love how this is put. Spot on.

    5. Flowers*

      I’m late and not sure if OP will read this but I wanted to weigh in.

      I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and have been on medication with the dose increasing 3x over the last 15 months. I tried to keep realistic expectations and wasn’t expecting miracles on my first dose. In fact what I quickly learned was that for people who truly have it, you won’t get that “rush” that you think would happen. I didn’t take a pill and get that sudden desire to deep clean my entire home or read the entire tax code but rather it’s a slow change. 

      This is my experience – on the days I don’t take the medicine for whatever reason (not very often though), I feel very tired and just do the bare minimum or procrastinate tasks. When I DO take the medicine, more often than not, it takes a few hours to “kick in”.

      I’ll use this weekend as an example: I didn’t take it yesterday or this morning. Around 5 PM I caved in and took one, and by that time I had decided that I would just eat dinner and go to bed as soon as my daughter went to sleep. It’s now close to 10 pm and I ended up doing a load of laundry, putting another load away, picking up more toys/misc items and did some work for my other job, and looking something up for a friend. I’m still tired enough to go to sleep soon. Otherwise, all weekend any moment that I wasn’t taking care of my daughter, I was mindlessly scrolling and not “productive.” For me the biggest difference I feel is that when I take the medicine, I feel like I can do all the other things.

      All of this is to say – the changes are slow and subtle. Give it at least 8 weeks of taking it consistently before speaking to your doctor about changing the dose or medication. In the meantime, like others mentioned, find tools that can help you. What helped me was paying attention to my moods and the thoughts running through my head at specific times. 

      2. All het up about it*

        Thank you! I’m still reading!!

        This sort of conversation is exactly what I had hoped for and there are so many gems in here to help me recalibrate expectations and truly consider what progress will look like for me.

        I know one of my struggles is that I’m struggling at work and I had hoped meds would fix that most of all. But the truth is some things might not be truly fixable only “live with able.”

    6. ADHDelicious*

      You’ll probably never feel a big, obvious, instantaneous change. One day you’ll just realize things are different, and better, but you’ll still just feel like you.

  54. asteramella*

    I think it was a comment here some time last year that recommended the Bonne Maman advent calendar. It sold out before I could get one last year but I just ordered one for this year and I’m excited :) Thanks, whoever you were who mentioned it!

  55. Westsidestory*

    The most important thing to know about growing herbs is grouping them by sun needs and water needs.

    Most of the Mediterranean perennial herbs (rosemary, lavender, thyme, sage) prefer full sun and a well draining soil. Put those together for a “zone.” Mint, chives and parsley love moister soils, and can take a bit of shade. Basil and most annual herbs like sun and regular watering.

    So my tip is to see what your backyard conditions are, and plant accordingly – always of course remembering you can create a “zone” in a big container and just move it to the right shady or sunny spot.

    That said, start with herbs you use the most, add as you go. This season I have basil, mint, rosemary, parsley, and chives as those are the ones I use most as fresh herbs. But I’ve grown about 30 different kinds over the years – it is a wonderful hobby adventure on its own and I wish you much joy of it.

  56. tangerineRose*

    There are spots in my house, usually smallish, where the paint needs to be touched up. I’m looking for advice about this and/or good places online to find advice.

    Thanks,

    1. RagingADHD*

      What kind of advice do you need? Touch up paint is not complicated.

      Do you have leftover paint or the name or chips? If not, matching it is the only thing that might be a hassle. Other than that, you just get a brush and paint it.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I feel very lost in dealing with this. I’m afraid the paint will look odd or that I’ll spill it or something.

    2. Missb*

      Not sure what your question is either.

      If you have the original paint then it’s easy.

      If you don’t, you can sometimes do a color match. If the spots are super small it may not matter that it isn’t a 100% match but if it’s obvious, then an option is to paint an entire wall.

    3. Just a name*

      If you have leftover paint, you can try to touch up the spots, but sometimes the leftover paint is so old that it won’t match. Try a test spot in a place where it doesn’t show first to check. Sometimes the paint on the walls fades, so even buying new paint that is the same color as the old will produce mismatches. So proceed with caution, and depending on how old the paint on the wall is, you may just need to repaint the whole thing. I was once in a rental and the landlord tried to touch up the walls – but the walls were painted with flat paint, and he used semi-gloss. Shiny spots instead of dirty looking spots. Not exactly an improvement.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        My husband did this years ago in the early years of my marriage. And when he realized it would show and he would have to repaint the whole thing, he painted “Hi” and my name in giant letters on the wall.
        And then tore his ACL so it didn’t get repainted for a few months.
        Ahhhh, memories.

    4. MMB*

      I like using a small craft sponge rather than a brush to match the wall texture. The sponges can be found at Wal-mart or any craft store and have a small wooden handle so that you can just dab the paint on.

    5. Girasol*

      Stray bit of advise from the facilities guys at work: They were patching wall dings and scuffs and then painting over just the patched spots with a quick lick from teensy little roller. I asked how they got the color to match exactly. They said that as long as you get paint from Sherwin Williams and keep the color number you can buy more and it will always match perfectly. So I tried that at home. The paint spot shows up when it’s wet and disappears when it’s dry.

  57. Sparkly Librarian*

    Is it too late in the year for a gardening thread? I’m in Zone 10 and it doesn’t really stop — maybe other coastal US or southern hemisphere climates can join in.

    Just seeded my fall/winter garden: beets, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, peas, radishes. More carrots (although I’m using up old seed, so who knows how many?) Still have pumpkin plants growing that should be ready to harvest at Thanksgiving — my kid is very excited about a pumpkin pie this year. Today we made stone soup and used up some veggie odds and ends, and made applesauce from the backyard windfalls before they could all spoil. And the first of the sunflowers I planted last opened up today!

    1. PostalMixup*

      Here in 6b we’re getting a second harvest of summer squash and cucumbers. The fall crop of lettuce and peas will be ready to pick soon. The tomatoes are still setting fruit. But next weekend we’re forecast to drop into the mid-30s, so garden time is definitely coming to a finish. I’m also prepping a spot to plant native flowers and grasses in the spring, and we’ve got some work to do thinning the day lilies and planting bulbs.

    2. KatEnigma*

      9a here. It’s planting time for winter crops. In fact, we should have had our tomatoes in by now, but time slipped away. I hope your broccoli and cauliflower are separated not just from each other but from the cabbage and brussels sprouts.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I was late with tomatoes this year — got 2 starts in the ground May 1st and a few others over Memorial Day weekend. We’re still harvesting a few here and there but I plan to rip them out in the next month and plant peas in that bed.

        Why the concern about the brassicas? I’ve planted them together(ish – it’s a 4×8 bed) before and have some borage and marigold around, and don’t see too many pests. I did have some aphids on my summer cauliflower, but brushing off the eggs before they hatched helped. They grew beautifully. I’m working with a postage-stamp sized garden plot, which means some necessary crowding, but also not a ton of plants to tend. With the cole crops together, I can rotate with the other plant families.

    3. Girasol*

      6A here. Went out to search through the cucumber tangle for those invisible ones so I could get them picked before they turned baseball bat size. Bonk! The vine had climbed into the tree above and as I looked down I banged my head on one hanging from above. Still have tomatoes. Chard that started producing last spring hasn’t quit yet. Carrots and potatoes are still underground somewhere. Squashes and the last peppers are ripening. The day before the first frost is predicted (about Halloween time here) I’ll take it all in.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I’m envious of your cucumbers! Tried them for the first time this year (a Persian variety) and they did great for a while but petered out and then got crisped in our September heat wave. I’ll try again at a different time if year. Do you feed them anything special?

        1. Girasol*

          We like the armenians with the thin pale skin that have scalloped edges when sliced. I don’t give them another thought once they’re in and have a tomato cage jammed over them to climb on, except to get them (and the zucchinis) out before they grow three feet long.

  58. Owen*

    Also, it’s typically a dry cold in Berlin – much more manageable (waterproof boots not normally needed). It did drop to -15 to -20 degrees C several years ago but that was a particularly bad year. Most important for me in that sort of weather is a decent pair of gloves, but I do have a predisposition to chilblains. And there really isn’t a wilderness to hike in thereabouts (there are lovely forests though).

  59. Courageous cat*

    Thanks for everyone’s help the other week regarding my cat inappropriately voiding on my rugs, but using his litter box to pee just fine – a few of you suggested it could be his arthritis and the way he squats for that particular motion may be hurting his knee.

    I’ve had him on the joint supplement the vet recommended for over a month now, and it hasn’t seemed to help at all. She claims the only other thing she can give him for the arthritis is gabapentin, which doesn’t help him either (side note – since when does gabapentin work on overall pain and not just nerve pain? or is that a difference between human vs veterinary medicine?)

    For anyone with cats, is this true? I kinda refuse to believe the only two treatments for athritis are a joint supplement from Amazon and gabapentin. I don’t even think of joint supplements as a “treatment” to begin with, more like just… well… supplemental.

    1. Girasol*

      What if you put a pet pee pad next to his litter box? It would be more like a carpet that he could stand on.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I’ve thought of that as well, but the problem is that it’s not the litter box that hurts him (he uses it for peeing with no issues), as much as he hurts overall, so he associates the litter box with pain and avoids it accordingly. If I put a pee pad down, he might use it temporarily, but once he associates it with pain he’ll move on (which is exactly what he did with my rugs).

    2. A313*

      You could try adequan. It’s a prescribed medication and takes some time to know if will help. Also, it’s a shot that you administer — I found it very easy after my cat’s knee surgery, but ymmv.

      I like the peed pad idea, above, but I imagine if arthritis is the problem, then you’d want to make kitty more comfortable 24/7.

    3. kyte flyer*

      I don’t know about cat arthritis, but there’s very little doctors can do for human arthritis. (supplements sometimes work, but otherwise, we mostly have joint replacements for humans).

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Same for dog arthritis. Gabapentin isn’t a useful treatment for dog arthritis unless there’s a pinched nerve, but my vet pointed out that after gabapentin they’re pretty much going up to dog valium and at that point your pet isn’t really functional one way or the other (admittedly, once you’re combining gabapentin and tramadol, your pet also isn’t particularly functional).

      2. ronda*

        as a human getting my 1st treatment for arthritis, they started with a steroid shot in the knee ( the joint that is very problematic). It still hurts, but less and the shot helped lots with terrible amount of stiffness I was having in both legs & back. Now we get to see how long the relief last. can only get steroids every 3 months.

        not sure if it is indicated for cats.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I know they’re indicated for dogs, but there’s a lot of complicated risk-benefit analysis that goes into long term steroid use for dogs. Immune system health, tendencies towards certain varieties of infections, so on and so forth. Also, there’s the matter of the injections themselves- is the owner comfortable and capable of performing them, or will they have to go in every three months to have a vet re-up the shot?

          (trying to remember the discussions the vet and I had about Sir Fusspot’s arthritis and joint degeneration- that vet dealt with a lot of working breeds, and knew a lot about that sort of thing and was so good at explaining it, and I am not good at remembering it)

    4. Double A*

      My vet has mentioned to me how very few options there are for cat arthritis. There’s a bit more for dogs.

      But if the issue is pain, then it seems like treating the pain would help?

      1. Courageous cat*

        That’s what I’m saying! I feel like even an Advil-esque type painkiller or a brief steroid course or a cortisone shot or something would be really useful here. Maybe they just don’t have that in veterinary medicine.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Steroids and steroid shots are available, though long-term steroid use in pets is more complex than it is in humans, at least in my experience.

    5. OyHiOh*

      I’ve seen a couple cat owners mention an infusion therapy for cats with arthritis. It sounded like it was still experimental and not available everywhere. Unfortunately, I don’t recall what they said it was called. May be worth a quick journey through Google and see if there’s more info available about if you could access a trial in your area!

      A cat who won’t use his facilities because of pain is certainly having his quality of life impacted!!

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Approved everywhere as of January. I posted a link, but in case it doesn’t go through it is Solensia with Zoetis.

    6. Anono-me*

      Is massage therapy an option? It obviously won’t help with the actual arthritis pain, but it can help a lot with the muscle pain related to arthritis.

      Many holistic veterinary practices have or can refer a massage therapist.

    7. anniehallfishfernfox*

      Seconding Solencia. It’s only recently been approved by the FDA, so you should ask your vet clinic since they haven’t suggested it. It’s a monthly injection, and my floofster has had three doses so far. He was recently diagnosed with advanced arthritis and early stage kidney disease, and so he started treatment for both at the same time. He used to pee outside his box at least once a day, but now it’s maybe once a week or two. His mobility has improved 1000%, and I’m so happy for him:-)

        1. anniehallfishfernfox*

          Wish I could answer that for you, but his treatment is funded by a local rescue organization. Also, I’m in Canada:-). I think you can expect the cost to vary depending on the dosage, which is determined by your cat’s weight, and the clinic fees. Here, these fees can range significantly so shopping around may be worthwhile. Wishing you and your cat the best of luck!

        2. Red Sky*

          Anecdotally, I actually have seen drastic improvement to arthritis hip pain with glucosamine/chondrotin in a previous cat. To the point I was astonished that my lazy couch potato suddenly became the mighty hunter again and would actually run and leap where he hadn’t in at least a year or more. The arthritic hip was due to an old injury, not sure if that would be a factor vs normal aging wear and tear.

          It looks like Solensia just became available to vets in the US 6 days ago, or at least that’s when the annoucement was made. Googling shows there was an article on Goodrx about it earlier in the year so hopefully there will be a coupon or discount for it if it’s cost prohibitive. If, in the future, this becomes a maintenance medication for your kitty you can also ask the vet to show you how to give the shot at home and order the medication online, hopefully at a discount.

          I hope your kitty (and you!) gets some relief soon, please keep us updated

    8. TPS reporter*

      you could try a few different box styles to see if one is more enticing. my cat with arthritis does a thing where she perches her front paws up on the wall of the box. the box overall has high walls.

      gabapentin is like not a painkiller but more of a general anti anxiety.

      could you also try making his stool easier to pass by giving him a stool softener or psyllium husk powder?

      1. SofiaDeo*

        Gabapentin is not an anti anxiety. It changes nerve permeability/transmission. Since pain impulses travel along nerves, in some people and animals it can successfully interferes with the pain impulses being transmitted such that the “pain perception” is absent. Anxiolytics do *not* work like gabapentin does.

    9. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Here in Australia there’s a product called Cartrophen Vet, for osteoarthritis in dogs, commonly prescribed off-label for cats. Four injections over four weeks , then once every three months.
      I have had three cats treated with that, in the last 12 years or so, successfully enough that I wouldn’t hesitate to use it again with another cat. My sister’s dogs have had it also – it had no impact on one, but the others became much more mobile.
      Pain relief is the main thing though, isn’t it! Best wishes for you and your boy

  60. Flowers*

    Is it possible to make night time driving easier/more comfortable? 

    I’ve had my license for a few years now but only started driving daily a little over a year ago and only during the day; night time driving was like 1-2x a year. Now that winter is coming, I will be driving when it’s dark daily for the next several months. It’s a 40 minute drive. There are a few routes from office to home, all of which take me through local, quiet streets for most of the way.

    What makes me nervous is that there’s absolutely no street lights on some of these streets. A lot of them are single lanes and hilly. It feels like my headlights don’t light up the road ahead of me enough. It seems like all of the cars behind me or coming on the other side have extremely bright lights and I have to squint or hold up my hand to block those lights. I guess it makes things easier for the driver, but it messes up my visibility too I think. 

    Is this something I’ll get used to with practice?

    1. Generic+Name*

      If it’s in a rural area, you can use your “brights” or high-beam headlights. Oncoming cars are supposed to turn off their high beams as they approach you, but not everybody does.

    2. Lifelong student*

      I found that wearing yellow tinted glasses- could be clip on if you wear regular glasses helps to cut bright headlight glare. Came in very handy before I had cataract surgery and spouse uses them on night to cut glare even though with no cataracts.

      1. Anono-me*

        If you have glasses, you may want to consider anti glare coating or an upgraded anti glare coating on you next pair.

        if you decide to try wearing glasses; Many hardware and sporting good stores carry amber tinted safety glasses. Usually the hardware stores carry ones that are less expensive and the sporting goods stores carry more expensive ones.

        I think that the price difference is because if a difference in purpose. Usually the hardware anber glasses are for people doing outside construction and home improvement stuff within a very close range while the sporting goods ones are for people doing outdoor activities requireing accuracy at all sorts of distances

        1. Anono-me*

          I would have sworn the second paragraph started “If you decide to try wearing amber glasses…..” . But it doesn’t. But it should. My apologies.

    3. fueled by coffee*

      Oncoming cars are *supposed* to turn their high beams off, but often they don’t, which is super frustrating. When this happens, I find that glancing at the lane lines on the ground in front of me helps me to see the road without getting blinded (obviously keep checking in front of you too and don’t just stare at the ground as you drive! But for the few milliseconds it takes a car to pass, this helps with visibility).

      1. Blue wall*

        Yes I read the looking at the lane lanes advice ten years ago and have done it since! It’s super helpful.

        Some cars just have annoyingly bright (or blue, the worst) lights even without high beams.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I see better at night if I have more rest under my belt.

      If all routes are the same as far as lighting, then try to figure out which one has the least twists and turns to it.

      When a car comes at you with bright lights, you can blink your lights at them to say “hey, high beams!” and you can focus your eyes mostly on the passenger side of the road until you pass each other. I slow down so if I need to make a quick decision at least I am moving slower.

      The thing that was a game changer for me was when my husband installed after market fog lights on my car. You can aim them. So he took my car to a dark parking lot and tried to get them towards the sides of the road. omg. What a difference.
      I don’t think they helped that much with on-coming vehicles but because I was less stressed trying to see in the dark the on-coming light bothered me less.

      I made the same drive for 11 years on dark twisty roads. What got better was I knew the road the way I know the palm of my hand. After a bit I was able to narrow it down to a couple of stretches of road that were the most concerning. Oddly, the hills that looked concerning were not the worst areas of the ride. It took a bit to figure that one out. I had one stretch of road that was wide open, blowing and drifting snow was a huge problem.

      It’s worth the bucks to make sure you have good tires. I may have had my car in the shop a little too often, but it was worth it for peace of mind to know that I had done my best to take care of the vehicle. All these side worries- not enough light, car running poorly, worry about tires can make it feel worse when an on-coming car shows you its high beams. It’s just one more stressor on the pile. I’d suggest a small healthy snack before you leave work so you are not driving on an empty stomach and expending a bunch of energy with no fuel in you.

    5. ronda*

      if the problem is the lights of cars coming up behind you , have you adjusted your rear view mirror? there is a little flip switch on bottom middle that tilts the mirror for night vs day driving.

      1. Flowers*

        No, but I can try that tomorrow! Im aware of the switch but didn’t know that’s what it was for! Thanks!

        1. KR*

          You can also adjust your side mirrors down slightly so you can see when there’s a car behind you but their tail lights aren’t staring directly into your soul through your side mirror. I do that frequently especially for those people who like to sit on your tail.

    6. MissCoco*

      In driver’s ed, we were taught to watch the outside lane line when passing oncoming cars at night. Automatically flicking your eyes down and out gets easier with time, and it really does help.

      Also, use your brights whenever there aren’t oncoming cars, and if you haven’t taken a good look at your headlines recently they may be due for a cleaning (or one may be out, the last time I felt like my lights were super dim I realized I only had one).

    7. WellRed*

      Can you get used to it? I doubt it. I used to be able to drive at night but now it’s pretty iffy. ( since my mid 40s). I can’t see in the dark and the headlights of other cars also bother ( there is also an epidemic of dip wads high beaming everyone). If you can’t see, practice won’t help.

    8. ShinyPenny*

      Headlight quality can be a really big variable. Many otherwise decent cars have very bad original stock headlights! You cannot just assume the original headlights are fine– which is pretty disturbing to me.
      Try googling NHTSA and IIHS and headlight safety (and/or, and YOUR car make/model/year). If I had to drive at night a lot, I would absolutely plan on upgrading my headlights.
      (Those are the National Institute for Highway Safety, and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration–both are orgs that test and rate car safety. )

      1. Flowers*

        Oh wow, I had no idea!

        My car is a lease, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to make any adjustments like that but I’ll definitely look into that.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      It would be worth checking (via a mechanic or knowledgeable friend) that your headlights are aimed correctly.

      1. Stinky kitty*

        Was going to say this. It’s pretty easy to aim them yourself. Usually a
        single screw for elevation and a single for left/right on each light. Search YouTube for a video on how to properly aim and make adjustments.

    10. Chaordic One*

      You might consider replacing your headlight bulbs with something more powerful and brighter. If your car has clear plastic headlamp covers, the plastic can become discolored and cloudy over time which will make them shine less brightly. You might need to have the covers reconditioned. There are various kits and polishes you can buy to do this, but many auto service centers will do it for you. (Be aware that each time you do it, the plastic will grow a little thinner, and eventually you’ll need to replace the covers. But they should last at least 10 years or so.) And yes, as Falling Diphthong suggested, you’ll want to make sure that your car’s headlights are aimed correctly.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        But also, make sure they’re not TOO bright. There’s a big trend to have massively bright high intensity lights, and I *hate* it. People say it’s for their own safety, completely forgetting it doesn’t improve their safety to blind everyone else on the road with your big ol headlights. Looking at you, SUV and pickup drivers especially!

    11. KR*

      Depending on how old your car is, you may need new headlight bulbs. I had my husband install new ones – not even brighter ones just new bulbs of the same type my car came with and I was surprised at how much easier it was to see. Turns out that the bulbs had slowly gotten dimmer. The plastic casing on your headlights may need to be cleaned as well.

      As far as the oncoming headlights, I don’t have a good answer unfortunately. I think a lot of newer cars sit higher up (think crossovers and small SUVs) and that newer headlights must just be brighter. I don’t have an especially low car – just a stock older civic – and I’m regularly blinded while driving.

  61. slowingaging*

    Humming birds like a orange trumpet flower bush near our front door. We were thinking of putting in a feeder near it for the humming birds. We are in Southern California. Suggestions for what works well?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Mix the nectar yourself or if you buy, use clear. The Cornell Lab of Ornithology recommends against the red stuff because there is a lot of anecdotal connection between the dye and increased mortality rates.

    2. Pilcrow*

      Late to this, but my Mom always had at least a dozen birds flocking with a simple feeder (central Wisconsin). Search this phrase for an example “Perky-Pet Favored Pinch-Waist Red Glass Hanging Squirrel-resistant Nectar Hummingbird Feeder”.

      Simple nectar recipe – 1/4 cup sugar, 1 cup water, boil, let cool.

      Clean when mold spots appear, dump and refill nectar if it get cloudy.

      One odd thing we noticed a few years ago was that the birds absolutely did not like the Great Value (Walmart store brand) sugar. Another bird feeding acquaintance noticed this as well.

  62. Winter Vacation*

    Late on the weekend but hoping to get recommendations for a winter vacation (long weekend). We have been to Denver before but I know the area well. They kids have never been to Nashville and it’s been a long time since I’ve visited. I will be taking 3 kids ranging from toddler to schoolage.

    Denver or Nashville?

  63. Margaret Snow*

    LW #1’s letter about Jane needing to be “managed out” puts me in mind of all the times we have had a “difficult” coworker who qualified for firing but the organization was trying to avoid being sued, defamed, or whatever else no-one in management felt like they wanted to deal with as retaliation for the firing.

    If they have a clear, strong, legally supportable case to fire Jane, they should fire her. Their response makes me think either they may not, or Jane has a history of being so troublesome but just walking the line, that they fear she will sue if let go.

  64. hopeful ex librarian*

    sorry for the late response, I kinda forgot I posted this!

    thanks for the advice, everyone! :D I will be using movers and will ALSO be checking out those specific recs, all of which I greatly appreciate. I already know my anxiety is going to be through the roof when I finally do move, and having an actual company would help a lot with said anxiety.

Comments are closed.