weekend open thread – October 22-23, 2022

by Alison Green on October 21, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Lucy By the Sea, by Elizabeth Strout. As Covid lockdowns begin, a woman and her ex-husband isolate together in Maine. It’s beautifully written.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. nnn*

    I would love some advice on turning my brain off so that I can fall asleep. I used to be a ‘hit the pillow and be out in 30 seconds’ sleeper but the last few months I have been lying awake for up to an hour before I can fall asleep. I think the problem is my brain keeps running through whatever has been on my mind that day. Any advice on how to turn my brain off and get to sleep faster? I do know to stop screens an hour before bed, have tried melatonin, and am good about not using the bed for anything other than sleeping.

      1. Argyle*

        Also recommend this. I have the same problem of my brain not turning off, but with NMH I usually fall asleep within the 5-10 minutes.

      2. Cookie*

        Similarly, the older podcast “History of Rome” is excellent for this, and I also love “Boring Books for Bedtime.” My routine is: shower (so my body cools off while I’m drying, being cooler helps me sleep), work on a crossword or read a non-action book for a few minutes in dim-ish light (I bought smart bulbs for this), start the podcast, turn off the lights (from my phone). And I have a white noise machine…I think the sameness of the sound every night helps. I live alone but when I’m staying with family I recreate this and use earbuds so as not to disturb them.

        I had sleep therapy a couple of years ago because I woke up so frequently during the night. The solution involved changes to my waking routine, not my nights…bedtime routine was solid, I just had to shift it a lot later.

        1. Sparkle llama*

          I had the same experience in sleep therapy. If it is an option for you I highly recommend it. My doctor (in psychiatry dept) would look at my sleep logs and tell me what time I was supposed to go to sleep the next week until we got a routine that worked for me. Going to sleep later was very helpful for making me actually fall asleep.

          I would also recommend getting a sleep headphone headband thing. Way more comfy than earbuds and doesn’t disturb my partner.

          1. Cookie*

            It’s a YMMV thing…the sleep headband was so itchy for me!

            I was amazed that the sleep therapist wanted me to stay up later. I was skeptical. But it improved my sleep.

      3. Lady Alys*

        If you happen to be a baseball fan, you could try Northwoods Baseball Sleep Radio – completely fake games, about two hours long each. Described in a New Yorker article as “minor-league elevator music, honeyed with a small-town nostalgia.”

        2. Westsidestory*

          Thank you! I had no idea this existed!

          I have no problems sleeping but adore falling asleep to baseball, which I do frequently during the season. Now I will have something to comfort me during the hot stove lull.

    2. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      There is a free(? Or has a free mode anyway) app I use called Portal that basically just plays nice nature sounds and you can set a timer. I don’t know what it is about it, but I am always asleep before the 15 minutes thunderstorm sounds is up.

      One idea I have seen but not tried myself is doing a brain dump onto paper shortly before bed; write down everything you are thinking of and it’s supposed to help your brain let go of it all – it’s still there on paper if you need it tomorrow. I’d be interested to hear from people who find this helpful; I’d like to try it too!

      1. CanadaGoose*

        Yes to brain dumps. Right before turning off the light is fine, if that’s when your brain is still too busy. But also consider doing brain dumps at the end of your work day (which can include thoughts about upcoming personal evening activities, too).
        Also, are you as active as you used to be? I personally find that complex exercises are good for getting me physically exhausted as well as requiring all of my concentration – crowding out other thoughts. And the effects can last a while – you don’t need to work out right before bed (which is usually not recommended!)

      2. blue giraffe*

        I once tried listening to nature sounds. One of the sounds was rain on a tent. That caused me to immediately want to pee. At least I didn’t have to put on wet boots.

    3. CTT*

      I listen to old podcasts. Having something to listen to but that I don’t need to retain (like a recap from a weekend of Premier League games in 2016) helps shut off my thoughts.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      For me, audiobooks really help. If I try to listen to an audiobook while lying in bed, 9 times out of 10 I’m asleep within 15 minutes. This is extremely annoying if I’m actually trying to consume the content from the book, but I’ve been listening to The Secret Garden (which is free from Apple Books as an audiobook, and which I read in paperback at least 10 times as a kid so I definitely already know what happens) over and over for about 6 months now. I set it to play for 15 minutes in the Apple Books app, and I’m almost always asleep before it stops.

      This probably works less well for people who have brains that are good at focusing on auditory processing, but this has worked for me for years with various audio books, radio plays, and podcasts.

    5. Wannabe Woman in STEM*

      Journal or call someone to talk through your thoughts. If you have no one to talk to, call a warm line that your state offers. It can be good to get your thoughts out of your head.

      1. JSPA*

        There’s a sweet spot for melatonin. Go light on it.

        Evening walk, then no blue light / green light / screens, afterwards.

        Cool the room slightly more than what you’re used to.

        Notepad and pen by the bed, so if you do have an important (or “seems important at the time” thought, you can scribble it down, and go back to sleep.

        Adjusted expectations; many / most people sleep less well with age.

    6. Hello sunshine*

      I love yoga nidra when I’m struggling. You can find it on you tube or insight timer. I rarely make it halfway before I fall asleep

    7. Play Fighting*

      I do a variant of those body inventory relaxation things, but keep it outside of myself. I imagine being in a cozy situation (in my case, camping alone in the woods), and take an inventory of all the things that protect me from the elements and make it cozy. Every night I go through the same list, in the same order, with the same explanations, and it puts me right to sleep.

    8. marvin the paranoid android*

      I always read before bed, but at times when I’m especially anxious, I try to pick something dry or complicated. In general I find that being able to focus on a book helps take me out of my head, but if I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping, sometimes an interesting book will just keep me reading late into the night. There is great soporific power in re-reading the same dense paragraph describing something tedious about seven times and not retaining any of it.

    9. Frankie Bergstein*

      Here are a few things that work for me:
      -yoga nidra
      -body scan
      -progressive muscle relaxation
      -tapping — read Lauren Parnell’s _Tapping In_ for a description about it

    10. Autumn*

      I’m another fan of audiobooks to distract my brain just enough to relax into sleep. I can’t even guess how many times I’ve listened to like the first 5 minutes of Librivox’s Alice in Wonderland, slowed down a couple of clicks. I have a flat little pillow speaker connected to my phone that goes under my pillow directly under my ear which my spouse can’t hear at all. I have white noise going too, an air purifier, which also cues my brain that it’s time to turn off.

    11. EdgarAllenCat*

      I list out loud all the things I accomplished that day to take care of myself. Getting up on time, eating lunch, feeding the cat, etc.

      I call it talking to my anxiety and it helps me get some good solid hours of sleep. Otherwise I may wake up in a blind panic that I didn’t get the mail. Be half way down the stairs before I realize what’s happening.

    12. Sleep, precious sleep*

      I listen to sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube on my phone. I set a white noise app to run all night and the video will play over the top. That way, when the video is over, the sudden silence doesn’t wake me up. I put the phone on dark mode, set the brightness all the way down and leave it face down so the fact the screen has to remain on doesn’t bother me. I prefer videos by Michael Sealey.

      I also take L-Theanine, GABA and Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc along with melatonin and I find the combo works better than any one thing alone.

    13. ASMR*

      I watch ASMR sleep videos. It’s not for everyone, but helps me get sleepy. I also “give myself permission” to stop worrying. I tell myself it’s ok to not solve problems right now. It’s ok to rest now. Both things together help.

      1. Venus McFlytrap*

        I like ASMR roleplay videos because they hit that spot in my brain that feels like it would be rude to have my mind wandering while someone’s talking to me while also feeling like it’s okay to fall asleep because the person WANTS me to fall asleep!
        Sometimes I need something more like white noise though which is where videos where the person isn’t speaking English or “no-talking” videos are useful. I had the absolute worst pregnancy insomnia (less than 2 or 3 hours a night at the end) and ASMRTwix’ videos were the only thing that even slightly worked for me, her videos feature her visiting Japanese spas/salons getting various treatments like having her scalp deep cleaned (it was so nice to be softly spoken to in Japanese, which I don’t speak, while someone washed “my” hair). What’s interesting is that the sounds in ASMR videos don’t affect my misophonia the way they would IRL. No idea why.

        Also agree with permission to put things aside. “No one expects you to solve your problems or the world’s problems at 11 o’clock at night”. You can try making a decisive plan like “tomorrow I will tackle that laundry pile” or “I’ll look up who to call about that leak I think I have” or even just “I’ll think about this tomorrow”. Then gently but firmly remind yourself that the issue is on hold for now. Parent yourself if you must: “I already said it’s time for sleep. No more thinking about that.” Basically the same as if a kid wanted another story or to keep playing. No, we can do that tomorrow.
        Also be kind to yourself: it’s ok if you don’t fall asleep or keep thinking. As long as you’re resting, you’re doing your best. Studies have shown rest is almost as good as sleep!
        I have OCD/ADHD/anxiety/depression and chronic insomnia and these techniques really do work, I promise.

    14. Anonymous Koala*

      Body Scans work for me, or if that fails, listening to an audiobook while playing a calming silent game (I like water sort) with the brightness turned way down low usually works.

    15. RagingADHD*

      I count my breaths backwards.

      If I just want to do a “down the staircase” relaxation routine, I’ll count backwards from 20, telling myself each step down is making me more relaxed (my imaginary staircase is a lovely happy place, of course).

      If my brain needs a job, I’ll count backwards from 100.

      If it needs a harder job, I’ll count backwards from 100 by 7s. Each one being a nice slow, deep breath. If I get distracted by other thoughts I start over.

      Not foolproof, but pretty good. And the more you do it, the more effective it is.

    17. AcademiaNut*

      I find certain types of music are good at quieting the hamster wheel in my brain when I’m trying to wind down at night, typically intricate, mathematical instrumental music (Bach is good). Oddly enough, listening to change ringing (a type of church bell music) works really well; I think it engages my brain enough to distract it from thinking about stuff, without winding it up further.

      FWIW, I’m normally slow to fall asleep, but usually it’s a relaxing mental wind-down with drifting thoughts. It’s the trying to fall asleep with my mind running in circles while simultaneously experiencing ear worms version that I occasionally need to deal with.

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        Wonderful — can you please recommend a couple of good sources of change ringing CDs (or YouTube and so on would be OK too)? On Amazon I see a CD called “Change Ringing from St Mary Redcliffe Bristol” and would be much obliged for other recommendations!

    18. Large and in charge*

      I use almost all of the tricks already mentioned here in my normal life and usually they work, especially yoga nidra type meditations. Now I am super pregnant and suffering from a combination of insomnia and anxiety. I’m working with a doctor who has me getting out of the bed and bedroom after no more than 10 minutes of tossing and turning, and has given me permission to watch comfort TV (i.e. do something that distracts me from the brain spiral). Not allowed to get back in bed until I am hungry for it. And you know what… It’s starting to work, and make it easier to fall asleep when I do get in bed. So, just a thought – don’t lie there stewing for too long because it creates some backwards associations.

      1. Ranon*

        Pregnancy insomnia is a whole beast in itself! I used to just have a migratory sleep pattern, get up and crash on the couch or recliner or wherever I hadn’t tried to sleep yet. Actually worked pretty well!

          1. allathian*

            Oh yes. Mine was from having to get up every hour, on the hour, to pee. Then I’d take 30 minutes or so to fall asleep again, only to wake up 30 minutes later. I was so exhausted that I actually slept for two hours during labor, when my epidural started to work.

    19. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve also found reading a book while sitting in bed works. I just need to avoid anything that will give me an adrenaline rush (thrillers I’m very invested in absolutely don’t work, I’ll get the temptation to stay awake and finish them).

      If after a few pages I realise I’m feeling relaxed, but not yet sleepy, I continue reading while lying down. Out of a combination of more relaxing, and awkward body position (reading with my head turned sideways, or bearing the weight of the book if I try to hold it above my head). I rarely make it to the end of the page, and wake up with the book still on the bed next to me.

    20. English Rose*

      Same sort of advice as others, especially the brain dump onto paper. I use an app called Slumber which I think has a free version, which has a choice between story telling, music and white noise.
      It’s interesting what you say though about your change from hit the pillow and be out in 30 seconds. That was me too. Perhaps the underlying state of the world is affecting those of us who used to be quick and easy sleepers.

    21. Still*

      A podcast in a language I don’t know very well puts me right to sleep! And if it doesn’t at least I’ve learnt something. Usually I’m out within minutes.

    22. Chilipepper Attitude*

      I like the audiobook option, I need something for my brain to focus on to keep myself from thinking. Re-reading books does the same for me and either one are my routine so I’m training myself that the signal for sleep is here.

      I also learned as a teen a technique to relax each body part from my head to my toes. Scalp, forehead, eyebrows, eyes, cheeks, etc. Very specific and small body parts. Focus on each one and relaxing it. When I started this technique I had to repeat the whole body but with practice, I seldom get past my neck before I’m out.

    23. Vio*

      I find reading a few chapters of a book in bed is a great help, but it carries the danger of losing track of time and still being reading at 4am…

      1. AG*

        I’ve had the same issue (problems of an avid reader). My solution was to choose a Children’s/Middle Grade book (somewhere between 100-150 pages). That way I can reach the end if I get too invested, but I’m not up all night long.

    24. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      What helps me an hasn’t been mentioned yet, I think, is: continuing stories of books/films/series in my mind. That really get’s me asleep.
      The fact that I don’t invent a whole new story but can rely on characters, character traits, and surroundings that I am already familiar with, means I don’t have to concentrate very hard, and can just imagine the characters talking to eachother or experiencing something. I also tend to go to the same situation as a starting point for quite a long time, slowly progressing in my continuation of the story.
      Sometimes I forget that this really helps me fall asleep and I toss and turn for ages before I remember, and than I’m fast asleep in less thab five minutes xD

        1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

          Basically, yes! :D
          I don’t have a good enough imagination to write actual fanfics but this slow pace is perfect for me. 10/10 can recommend!

        1. allathian*

          If that fails, I play Tetris in my head. It’s a great way to shut down all the brain weasels.

    25. Sam I Am*

      This is essentially”counting sheep,” but I slow my breathing, close my eyes, and imagine a big, Sesame Street-esque colorful #1, for the duration of the breath. Then the same for two, really focusing on the colors and patterns that I imagine the numbers being colored in. I’ve only made it tp 100 once in my life that I can recall.

    26. J.B.*

      It took me a long time to realize that my insomnia was connected to pain. So do check in with how your body feels and if there’s any pain dealing with that along with the other techniques may help.

    27. Not So NewReader*

      I had to take a hard look at what I was eating. Proteins. We need energy to sleep. Minerals, nothing like a shortage of minerals in our bodies to keep our minds running and running. It helps me to make sure I eat a salad each day more often than not.

      Lately, I have noticed the importance of my bedtime routine. This can be whatever it means to you. I like to make sure my dishes are done. I have several personal care tasks that I “could” skip but it’s better for me if I do them. I have noticed all these little routines send a message to my brain- “Hey the day is winding down here!”.

      Lists are helpful because it’s a place for my brain to dump TO. I use lists at work but I also use them at home often. Lining things up for the next day, seems to help “unload” my mind.

      Make sure your feet aren’t too hot or too cold. Feet at the wrong temp will keep some folks awake.
      If you have some aches going on, consider taking something for them or using a muscle rub or bringing a hot or cold pack to bed with you or whatever idea is appropriate for the concern.

      Life seems to snowball. With age I have felt more concerns about more things. It’s harder and harder to turn the brain off at bed time. I make more of an effort during waking hours to address little concerns quicker. There is some peace in knowing at least I tried to do something where I could.

    28. Llama Llama*

      When I am having trouble falling asleep, I tell myself a story. It’s the same silly story so I don’t really have to think about it. It helps get rid of the stupid thing I was focused on.
      If that doesn’t work, getting a drink helps me as well.

    29. Richard Hershberger*

      Boring music. I am a classical music person. A good classical station can be dangerous, as they might put on something that grabs my attention. But there are entire genres of mood music. I find that anything that might be described as a “soundscape” works great as benign background noise.

    30. Ranon*

      In podcasts I like the Sleep With Me podcast- he’s deliberately rambling and nonsensical and my brain just straight up gives up trying to follow and falls asleep out of self defense.

      Timing of exercise might be another thing to look at, my evening exercise days are always later bedtime days

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        There is a podcast out there of fake baseball games played by fake teams, reported in a calm manner, intended as a sleep aid for fans who find baseball radio broadcasts comforting, but might get too into a real game to fall asleep.

    31. Tib*

      I used to read a particular book every night and when I finished it I would start at the beginning again. It was science for the average person and we’ll written. Just enough good writing to keep me lightly entertained, just enough science to be interesting but not intimidating and I wasn’t reading to learn so it wasn’t boring on the next read.

      Lately I’ve been doing the abcs of tech. I think of as many tech-y things for one letter before moving on to the next. I’m rarely awake for G. I’ve done other alphabet lists but I like this one because I can come up with a lot more words. I think it helps to try and find more than one thing, but don’t spend too much time on each letter. Move on when you’re drawing a blank.

    32. Sloanicota*

      I have a lot of experience with this, after a scary incident I kept replaying and worrying about it at night, so I came up with a whole series of boring-but-distracting mental games to play. I go through the alphabet backwards, name all 50 states, list the months alphabetically, and try to list ten animals that start with a certain letter, then ten birds, then ten fish or reptiles. Anything you can recite from memory is also good. Also, there’s a visualization people swear by, where you picture heat and light coming up from your toes to your shoulders. I had to come up with a little mantra for when I woke up at night (“you are safe and warm and don’t need to do anything right now.”). Good luck.

    33. Camelid coordinator*

      I tell myself, brain, we are going to tackle that first thing in the morning. Somehow that acknowledgment of the problem and tiny action step can get me to stop worrying. Not all the time, but with some frequency.

      Unlike the commenter who likes to read dense things I like to read escapist books or, when I am really having trouble, reread old favorites.

      And here is something very particular to me so it may not work for anyone else. If it is clear I won’t be able to fall asleep or go back to sleep I like to run through my prayer list one by one. I didn’t realize until you asked your question that this takes the focus off me/my worries and may be helping me get back to sleep.

    34. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I feel like a short gentle walk outside helps sometimes, especially if you’re already tired. If you live somewhere you don’t feel comfortable walking at night, even just going right out the door and standing outside for a few minutes, looking up at the sky and feeling the night air can be a good way of letting your body know, “ok, the sun is gone, I’m about to go into my warm little burrow and go to sleep”.

      I also like writing (on paper!) before bed, either journaling, or sometimes I’ll do “dream requests” which is where I’ll make a little request of my brain, like, “tonight I would like to dream of swimming in the ocean” or “tonight I would like a dream of living in a treehouse” and then you start imagining all the lovely visual details or people you would like in your dream. For me, that one is nice because even if I don’t fall asleep right away, it still feels restful-but-productive, like, I don’t just get mad at myself for lying in bed doing nothing while I should be sleeping, if that makes sense.

      I also like the podcast Phoebe Reads a Mystery, though I have to use the timer on my podcast app to shut it off before the ads, because otherwise those will wake me up

    35. Qwerty*

      I find sleep meditations podcasts helpful – specifically body scans and sleep talk downs. My brain focuses on the soothing voice and my breathing until all the other stuff goes away, and then I ignore the podcast and drift off.

    36. Mia*

      I used to design my dress for the Oscars, or walk slowly through my grandparents house in my mind. I’m also a fan of warm milk and a book

    37. Mephyle*

      Like many others have mentioned, I listen to a novel I know well, or my favourite podcasts that I have listened to over and over again. Just to show that we are all different, my go-to story is Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. I alternate between the audiobook and the radio drama versions. My no-fail sleep podcasts are the In Our Time episodes that are about geology or cosmology.

    38. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      What works for me are “dream voyages” – I have some on my phone and some in an Alexa skill published by some health insurance company.
      They place you on a beach or somewhere and a soothing, calm voice tells you what happens (not much). I rarely make it through more than 5 minutes.
      Some audio books or podcasts work as well. For a book, I favor Marcel Proust’s Remembrances of Things Past. Not only is it long (7 books of 20 hours each) but especially the Simon Vance reading is very appealing on voice and diction.

    39. MindoverMoneyChick*

      The Quiet Adventures of Professor Atwood is a great podcast for winding down in order to go to sleep, I’ve been using it for the past couple of months to break the habit of random surfing on my ipad, and it’s been really helpful.

    40. Laura Petrie*

      I play games in my head. Something like ‘I went shopping and I bought’, one word films, musical artists, world cities etc working my way through the alphabet

    41. Eyes Kiwami*

      ASMR and guided meditations–I recommend searching on YouTube for keywords like “stop overthinking” “brain pause” “anxiety stopper” “remove worries”.

      There is also a subcategory of “people quietly talking about something you can zone out to”. This can be a guided meditation like a body scan or visualization, or an audiobook, or even just an explanation of something–I recommend the French Whisperer, he has a whole selection on all kinds of topics from science to history, and it’s on YouTube/music streaming/podcast services so very convenient and you don’t have to watch visuals. The idea is content that is compelling enough to distract you from your thoughts, but boring enough that you can sleep through it and not miss anything.

    42. Some Bunny Once Told Me*

      This is going to run totally counter to what everyone else has said, but when I started having a very similar issue of being completely unable to turn my brain off, my psych prescribed me a 100 mg dose of gabapentin to be used as needed. It takes a good hour to kick in, so I’ll turn off my laptop at 9:30, take my meds, get ready for bed, and by the time I’m slipping between the sheets the drugs have started working and I’m able to fall asleep pretty quickly.

      I just wanted to throw it out there! Any form of audio keeps me awake, reading before bed just keeps me up and turning pages, and meditation has never, ever, worked for me. Drugs, on the other hand, do.

      Also, if you live in a state where recreational marijuana is legal, a 5 mg indica strain edible can also work wonders. I’ve used that in the past, but I currently live in an area where that’s not an option.

    43. Cedrus Libani*

      I also listen to inane chatter, and take a low dose of melatonin – most brands give way more than you need, I order the 300 mg capsules from Nootropics Depot and it’s plenty to send my 200 lb self to sleep.

  2. Dark Macadamia*

    Inspired by Alison’s book rec, has anyone read other Covid novels? How did you like them?

    I listened to “Joan is Okay” on audiobook this year because I really liked Weike Wang’s other book “Chemistry” but found it underwhelming. Just never really connected with the characters and then the Covid part felt almost like an afterthought, to the point I wondered if it was added into a story that had been planned pre-pandemic.

    On the other hand, in 2020 I read “Year of Wonders” which is actually about the plague (inspired by the real village that chose to quarantine themselves) and found it surprisingly uplifting even though it’s a pretty bleak story. The audiobook narrator gave such a lovely performance.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m in the middle of Our Country Friends, by Gary Shetyngart. It’s about a group of friends and acquaintances who gather at a country estate during the early stages of COVID lockdown. I can’t remember if it was recommended by Alison or if I found it somewhere else.

      1. Overeducated*

        I’m reading this too! Long term Shteyngart fan. It’s making me think I should reread Chekhov as a middle aged person who’s actually experienced disappointment – doesn’t hit the same way for a college student….

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Have seen this observation re The Odyssey: It’s about someone in middle age who really wants to go home and sit quietly by the fire with his dog and his wife and never see the damn ocean again. A theme that doesn’t hit so hard with high school students reading it.

    2. Becky S.*

      Year of Wonders is excellent! Imagine living at that time, during the plague, not understandingwhat’s causing it ot what to do about it.
      Company of Liars (Karen Maitland) is vaguely similar and also excellent.

      1. AY*

        Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell is also a great historical novel about the plague. There is an absolute showstopper sequence about how a plague-infected flea traveled from the Mediterranean coast to Stratford and infected Shakespeare’s son. It was breathtaking.

    3. English Rose*

      I recently read a series of books by Katherine Genet starting with The Gathering, which is set in an English village during Covid time and has some interesting reflections on the effect on people – local businesses being closed and slowly reopening, a young couple falling in love and not able to touch and so on. But that’s not the primary focus – they are a series exploring aspects of the old pagan religions in modern day, veil between the worlds shredding etc. Not for everyone but I found them interesting.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      The Sentence by Louise Erdrich is brilliant, and I highly recommend it. It is set in Minneapolis in 2020 and so, in addition to COVID-19, it also discusses George Floyd’s murder and the protests that followed. It is really heavy and emotional but also (surprisingly) infused with wry humor. Erdrich is such a great writer! As a bonus, because the book’s narrator owns a bookshop specializing in works by Indigenous writers (as does Erdrich), it includes a lot of great book recommendations.

      I read Joan Is Okay and liked it (but not as much as Chemistry). It was hard for me to read because I work (non clinically) at a hospital in NYC, and I felt my dread building as she described the beginnings of the pandemic.

      1. SSC*

        Yes! I was just going to recommend The Sentence. A wonderful book. I texted several passages from it to some friends – the lines about motherhood and not feeling competent at it all the time!

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I loved The Sentence but the COVID section honestly annoyed me. COVID was not the focus of the book, so I can see the author not wanting to dwell on it, but it also made it sound like the pandemic ended after two months. That might have been realistic in that part of the country but it just reminded me how irresponsible some people acted during that time and took me out of the story. I’d recommend it as a good book but not a “COVID book.”

    5. Ranon*

      The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi uses the Covid setting to get things going in a clever way that feels grounded in what it was actually like for some folks, and the rest of the book is great fun in a very Scalzi way.

    6. Hiring Mgr*

      This isn’t exactly a Covid book, but there’s a horror novel by Paul Tremblay called Survivor’s Song which is a story about a new virus that causes panic, quarantines, etc.. It was written pre-Covid which makes it even odder.

      1. Cookie*

        Adding it to my reading list. Oddly enough, I love pandemic novels. Blindness by José Saramago, translated by Simon Stephens, was a little too horrifying to read at bedtime, but a great book nonetheless.

    7. isolation activities?*

      Not COVID, but Spanish Flu, with a lot of uncanny parallels: “The Pull of the Stars,” by Emma Donoghue.

      A nurse in a maternity ward in Dublin struggles to care for her patients amid a staffing shortage, while meeting several people who make her reconsider her worldview. It’s beautiful and sad and engrossing.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        My book club’s March 2020 read was “The Murmur of Bees” about Spanish flu. It was very weird reading it while debating whether we should still meet in a restaurant – then like a few days before the meeting everything shut down.

    8. the cat's ass*

      Year of Wonders is an amazing book, and i reread it in 2021. I did a lot of other pandemic related/adjacent reading, and my list included The Stand by Stephen King; The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue; Sea of Tranquility AND Station 11 by Emily St John Mandel.

    9. Rara+Avis*

      Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult. A woman goes on vacation without her fiancé (a NY doctor) and gets stranded. I enjoyed it.

      1. Kate*

        I enjoyed that one way more than I expected!

        Not COVID but general plague-y, The Fireman by Joe Hill was one of my favourite books for a long time.

    10. Imtheone*

      The Madness of Crowds by Louise Penny takes place after a vaccine removes the worries about a pandemic-like disease. The author discusses life during the pandemic when people were isolated in their homes.

    11. ThatGirl*

      I read “Wish You Were Here” this year which brought back a lot of early covid anxiety but it was well written.

      It’s not a covid novel but “Severance” was quite harrowing and well written.

    12. Mephyle*

      Bad Actors by Mick Herron, the 8th novel in the Slough House (Slow Horses) series takes place when covid has been around for a while (maybe 2021–2022). Covid isn’t a main feature of the story, but as in any well-written book, the scenery, setting, and things that have happened to the characters (in this case including covid) aren’t thrown in randomly, but are relevant to the themes, the unfolding of the plot, and the relationships between the characters.

    13. HannahS*

      I read The Kaiju Preservation Society (someone on this site recommended it) and I liked it! The pandemic was mainly part of the setup in the first few chapters and after that wasn’t really relevant due to alternate-dimension stuff.

    14. Imtheone*

      I also listened to Joan is Okay, which I liked. It’s slow, and less about Covid than about Joan, for whom work is almost everything.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      A short story about living in isolation: Too Many Yesterdays, Not Enough Tomorrows in the collection How Long Til Black Future Month, by N.K. Jemisin, has haunted me ever since I read it. One day a person living alone wakes up in a little bubble–part of the apartment she lived in before, with a minimally rendered landscape outside. She can spottily connect to people in similar bubbles through the internet. The whole thing resets to the starting point at short intervals–a bit under a day. It’s a completely new spin on purgatory that really gripped me.

      The whole book is very good, with several stories that play off old classics.

    16. As Per Elaine*

      I’ve forgotten the title, but I read something about teenagers in NYC during lockdown. There was a lot of sitting on balconies. Somehow it didn’t quite do it for me — I’m struggling to remember details, but I think it didn’t really capture any of the things the early pandemic was for me. (Which isn’t to say that it wasn’t a valid representation of COVID life, just that it hit some sort of uncanny valley for me.)

  3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    What gadgets are helpful when someone is temporarily without the use of their dominant hand?

    My dad is having surgery on his right (dominant) hand soon, and we’re trying to figure out the recovery period. He’ll have either limited or minimal use of his hand for a bit while things heal, so we’re looking for gadgets that will make it easier to fumble through his daily routine at home with only one hand, and his non-dominant one at that.

    Any favorite gadgets? He’s retired, so we’re looking for daily home life stuff that will make it easier to do things like put on shoes or open packaging rather than stuff to adapt a computer setup. Bonus if it also makes it easier to do stuff without bending over (he’s still wearing a back brace and on a no more than 15 pounds lifting restriction from a recent back surgery, but we’ve got systems for that pretty much figured out at this point), but doing stuff with only one hand is the priority right now.

    1. Hello Dahlia*

      Oxo brand tools are the best! It’s like the big pencils we used when we were learning to write. My aunt lost her dominant hand, and learned to do everything with the other. I know it sounds weird, but she learned to write by using children’s penmanship books. If he’s determined, he will be fine. Wishing him a speedy recovery!

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      I’m a dedicated flosser so I was happy to discover dental picks after I had surgery on my right (dominant) wrist. Not as good as regular floss but a good stop gap. :)
      I switched to pull on shoes and boots and learned to do up jeans and buttons with my left hand. Everything just took longer.
      I learned to print/write quite well with my left hand but oh the relief when I could use my right again. People are more or less “handed” and I was definitely on the more side.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        In case I wasn’t clear – simplified pull on clothing as well as footwear was really helpful. I could do buttons but sweaters and sweat pants were my friend.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I switched to the flossers with little handles a few years back because regular floss would cut into my fingers and leave little wounds on the sides when my hands got bad each winter. They’ve solved that problem for me, and would also make flossing a one-handed task. I think dad uses a Waterpik, but I’ll check with him to make sure.

    3. Squidhead*

      Plates with tall rims can help provide a backstop for, say, buttering a piece of bread (especially if he can trap the plate or put it on a scrap of non-slip foam so the plate can’t slide away). They make adaptive plates with a backstop on one side, too, but if he only needs it for a few weeks that could be overkill.

      Depending on which hand he uses for bathroom cleanliness, he might want to practice that ahead of time! In general, try searching for occupational therapy resources for specific tasks to get ideas.

      1. Clawdeen Wolf*

        Definitely practice! One of the reasons we struggle with non-dominant hand tasks is simply because that hand is just not quite as strong as the other while we expect it to be. Practicing ahead of time can get you used to this!

        2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          I had a Japanese style commode installed last year, with built-in bidet shower and dryer. Very comfortable.

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Ooh, hadn’t thought about plates. That’s a good point. I have a set of kids plates from IKEA with high rims, so I can certainly loan him those if he doesn’t want to pick up adaptive ones.

    4. Jackalope*

      If he has to wash dishes by hand, then some sort of non-slip mat to put in the bottom of the sink can be helpful. Also, a can opener that can be used one-handed (there are some). And honestly, I’d recommend (since he knows that this is happening ahead of time) spending a day or two trying to go around doing things w/ his nondominant hand to see what is unexpectedly hard and then looking that up online. One thing to note is that most of the time when you’re doing things with two hands, either you have one hand steadying the item you’re working with and making it accessible to the dominant hand (think the dishes example above, or opening a glass jar), or both hands are doing roughly the same thing (think touch typing). There aren’t a ton of activities beyond, say, ASL, that I can think of that involve both hands doing something with complex separate actions. So figuring out ways to do that one-handed are going to get you the most bang for your buck, metaphorically speaking.

      One tiny thing to note: make sure right before the surgery (the night before or morning of if possible) that he trims his fingernails as short as he can make them; tiny nubs with no white left if he can handle it. I have in fact somewhat mastered the skill of trimming my nonfunctioning hand (when I had a broken finger) by holding the nail clippers in my feet, but that sounds like it would be tough for him to manage with the back issues. If he can get them as short as possible, then he’ll have as much time as possible between surgery and either having to figure out a way to manage nail trimming with a low-functioning hand or having someone else take care of it for him. (If he has other periodic things like that which he needs to do regularly, then do the same thing, but for me it was the nail trimming that was impossible.)

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Nail trimming is another good one that I hadn’t thought of! I’ll definitely pass that along. I’ll suggest that he do beard trimming as well. That should be do-able one handed, but tricky with the “wrong” hand.

    5. UsuallyALurker*

      Not a gadget but I’ve noticed that my non-dominant hand began to have more strength and easier movement after I started practicing ASL fingerspelling with that hand. Perhaps it would help him to “train” his left hand some before he has to rely on it.

      1. Sam I Am*

        I’m a musician and was told to do this years ago. I regularly do things like put the key in the keyhole with my left. Practicing is a great idea, as it starts off clumsily but gets better pretty quick.

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      I’m ambidextrous, so my challenge was getting used to using only one hand instead of two on the occasions when one was injured. Rubber mats, clothespins, and extra large binder clips were helpful to hold things steady. (A binder clip holds a toothbrush while you squeeze the toothpaste, for example.)
      I hope he has a full and fast recovery!

    7. Meh*

      Occupational Therapy!! My mom was a hand specialist/OT rehab and made lots of assistance devices for people recovering. Even if you don’t visit one, you can look up adaptive tools.

    8. Meh*

      Occupational Therapy can help! My mom was an OT (specializing in hands post surgery) and made many adaptive tools. Even if he doesn’t rehab with one you can still get tool ideas if you search with rehab/OT.

    9. Seal*

      No recommendations for gadgets, just seconding what others have said about slip-on shoes and shirts. I had rotator cuff surgery on my dominant shoulder a few years back and had the whole arm mostly immobilized for 6 weeks. While I could use my hand I couldn’t use my arm at all for a few weeks, so I couldn’t do things like tie my shoes or button shirts because I couldn’t reach them. It was early summer, so I didn’t need to wear socks, which helped. On that note, you might consider a sock aid that lets your dad put on his socks without using his hands or bending over. There’s also long shoehorns that can help with putting on shoes without bending over. Best of luck to your dad with his surgery!

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe a book holder/stand so he can read without holding up the book? Levenger has some.

      Also, he might want to take a bath before surgery and figure out how much he uses his dominant hand/arm getting in and out of the tub and whether baths are really going to be possible after surgery, even when the surgeon gives the okay (I think surgeons generally don’t want you to soak whatever parts you’ve had surgery on because of the risk of infection, so this issue might not come up until quite a while after surgery). When I fractured my elbow, I realized *while* finishing up a bath how I usually used the injured arm to push up from the bathtub, but I couldn’t really do that — I thought for a while I was going to be trapped in there!

      If a bath won’t work for your dad, maybe install some extra grab bars in the shower wherever his non-dominant hand could grab them easily? Or maybe try one of those bath transfer chairs where the feet are both inside and outside the tub, and you can kind of scootch yourself over the rim of the bathtub and then turn the shower on?

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Luckily, he remodeled his bathroom to have a walk-in shower a few years back. Simplified a lot of this.

        Those transfer bath chairs were incredibly helpful for my grandma, though. I highly recommend them if you need to maneuver in and out of a bath shower combo with any kind of mobility challenge.

    11. Emma2*

      You can get gadgets for opening the lids on jars that you attach the the bottom side of a shelf – you then can slide the jar in & turn it with one hand (opening a tight jar lid with just one hand is quite difficult).
      What does your father normally make to eat? Managing large hot things with one hand can be difficult & dangerous. If he cooks a lot of pasta, one of those wire baskets you put the pasta in in the water (so you just lift the basket out rather than trying to lift and drain a heavy pot) could be helpful.
      Again, if he cooks for himself, one of those mini processors you can use to chop onions, etc, could be useful. It might also be worth making sure he has pans or things that are easy to lift with one hand.
      Will he need to protect the injured hand while bathing? You can purchase large silicone glove type things that are designed to go over a cast and keep the water out in the shower.
      Does he know how to use “talk to text” on his phone (or computer)? It can be very helpful when trying to message or email people with one hand.
      Soaps, shampoo, etc in jars with pumps are likely to be easier to use than jars that he needs to turn upside down & squeeze the product into his hand.
      I don’t know what the solution is, but if he lives in an apartment block with large lidded waste bins, trying to lift the lid and toss a bag of garbage into the bin at the same time is also hard with one hand (possibly just something to keep in mind & offer to do when visiting him).

    13. anonagain*

      Maybe prep a bunch of stuff? In my world that would be taking frozen dinners out of their cardboard packaging, putting shampoo in a pump dispenser, and putting meds in easy open pill boxes.

    14. Firebird*

      A wheeled table or cart to carry things around saves a lot of trips. Prior to that I lined up TV trays and slid things across.

      A wired mouse I could use on my lap with my dominant (injured) hand helped when I got tired of using my non dominant hand. The wire made it easy to haul back up when I dropped it.

      You can get a mouse that is operated with your thumb rather than having to use your arm. How much that would help depends on exactly what the injury is.

    15. Bluebell*

      Amputee here, and here are a few of my tricks: there are spiral elastic shoelaces that make wearing sneakers easier, you can also use the clips they sell in shoe stores or outdoor gear places. Zippers are tough, so coats with snaps or buttons are preferable. There are catalogs with OT supplies that can have useful stuff. I have a one handed pepper grinder I like. Some people use a cutting board with spikes in it to anchor food, but I’ve never used one.

    16. Anono-me*

      It has been a while since I hurt my dominant hand and most ideas have been covered.

      But here are a few more ideas: (Some of which may not be practical. But since you have the luxury of knowing this is coming; you can borrow, jury rig, buy off of cl, and consider then decide what works for your family. )

      Hand muff in lieu of gloves (most outdoor stores carry them).

      Baby wipes (please don’t flush), especially if his back is painful, as twisting the other way can be difficult.

      New batteries in everything.

      Tote bags, lots of Tote bags scattered all over the house, garage and car. So much stuff gets carried with both hands.

      If he drinks pop; a Pop can tab grabber and someplace to wedge the can, (Most cars have can holders that work well.) Otherwise get the bottles and have someone open then then screw the cap back on.

      Motion sensor soap and toothpaste dispensers. (Also good for hair gel or lotion etc. )

      Shower chair. (It is not at all pleasant to loose your balance and try to steady yourself with your injured hand out of habit, then recoil in pain, then fall on your already injured hand.)

      Electric razor; (This one is a guess; but manual face shaving apparently involves making funny faces while pulling on a cheek or nose with one hand and wielding a razor with the other.)

      Roomba or shark. Vacuuming one handed is possible but hard to remember to do and a literal pain with back issues.

      Regular computer mouse if he has a roller ball or other specialty mouse for the dominant hand .

      Automatic car, if he has a stick or motorcycle. (I didn’t have anyone close that I could trade/borrow from an automatic from and wound up off work a little longer as I couldn’t shift.)

      Good luck.

    18. As Per Elaine*

      I don’t think anyone has mentioned an electric toothbrush — manual brushing with your non-dominant hand can be really challenging if you aren’t used to it.

    19. Choggy*

      How about a grabber reach tool so he doesn’t need to bend over or extend himself reaching for something. My hubby has one of these and he loves it.

  4. sulky-anne*

    Hairstylist etiquette question! I’ve started seeing the same hairstylist regularly for the first time ever and I’m wondering if I should give them something for Christmas (I have an appointment in December and I like to get a head start on my fretting). My uncle was a hairstylist too and used to get gifts and cash at Christmas, but that years ago and I’m wondering if it’s a generational thing (the stylist is about my age, I think, mid-thirties).

    The wrinkle is that I don’t celebrate Christmas and don’t know if my stylist does either, but I don’t want to accidentally give the impression that I don’t appreciate them! They’re the best stylist I’ve ever had, so I don’t mind doing something nice for them, I just feel weird about Christmas-oriented giving as a non-Christian. What does everyone else do?

    1. AnonyMouse*

      I don’t have specific experience with a stylist but have given a Happy New Year card & gift card as a non-Christmas end of year gift, and it was well received.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      My husband and I both give a cash gift to our hairstylists at Christmas. The guidance used to be the amount of one haircut, but our haircuts are pretty expensive, so that would be extravagant. You could think of it as a year-end bonus maybe. It could be in a thank you card or happy new year instead of a Christmas card. I could be wrong, but I think folks in service jobs do get a lot of holiday gift money, not that they’d hold it against you if you didn’t do it.

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        I do this. I give a generic holiday card and cash that is about one cut or as close as the can afford.

    3. English Rose*

      Hmm… I get a card but now I’m wondering if I should give cash too. Interested to follow this discussion.
      Does the country make a difference I wonder – I’m in the UK.
      (I remember the days when refuse collectors used to come knocking on the door the collection before Christmas and they were given envelopes of cash by all their ‘customers’ but that has long since died off.)

      1. UKDancer*

        I’m in the UK and I don’t do anything at Christmas because I don’t have a close relationship with them. I used to tip my stylist a little but now I have the owner and I don’t because she sets the prices for the salon.

        My father always gives his salon a bottle of pink prosecco at Christmas because he’s got a good relationship with his stylist and the owner (after he had a fairly major operation, they used to let him sit down there if he got tired after doing the shopping (even when he didn’t have an appointment and occasionally drove him home). He knows they like it for the Christmas party so it goes down well.

        I think in the UK it depends how well you get on with them and what the relationship is.

    4. Still*

      I’m not in the US so take this with a grain of salt but the idea of giving someone you don’t have a personal relationship with a gift for a holiday you don’t celebrate seems a bit weird to me. How about you just tip them more than you usually would but not make it specifically about Christmas?

      1. Courageous cat*

        I’m in the US and this would have never in a million years occurred to me to do. I wouldn’t overthink this because I doubt she expects anything at all.

    5. djc*

      I’ve been seeing the same stylist for over 10 years. If I have an appointment with her around the holidays, I will tip extra. But if I’m not seeing her at all in December, I don’t go out of my way to drop off a gift at the salon.

        1. Russian in Texas*

          I also pay about $150 for the cut and color, no way I would top an extra of that, simply because it’s holidays.

    6. Buona Forchetta*

      US here. Stylist and clientele are 30s to mid-40s age range. I give my stylist a year-end thank you tip on top of the tip for that visit. No card, but I do say thank you for a great year.

    7. Russian in Texas*

      I am in the US, and maybe I would leave a larger tip if I had a haircut close to Christmas, but that’s about it.
      But I don’t tip/give gifts/cards to people that I don’t have a personal relationship with, so no to the hairstylist, mailman, maintenance workers (when I rented), etc. I don’t understand Christmas gifts in thus situation, they are just doing their job, and I am already a paying customer.

    9. Nitpicker*

      It’s about “the holidays” rather than Christmas per se so I’m already tipping the building staff and my housekeeper. I only see my hair stylist every two months (I tip him even though he’s the owner) so I give him the same amount that I tip. All these tips go in envelopes with a Season’s Greetings with maybe a line saying “Thanks for all the help this year”. My hair stylist posts the cards he gets around the edge of his mirror. I don’t think that’s meant as a hint – a lot of people display their cards.

    10. Camelid coordinator*

      I usually give my stylist an extra large tip and some homemade Christmas cookies. I make gingerbread just because it is her favorite, actually. (It is nice to have an appreciative audience for baked goods these days.)

    11. the cat's ass*

      I’ve always done a card and cash equivalent to one cut; I only go in about 4 times a year and sometimes my appointment syncs with the holiday and sometimes not, but card and cash go to her at the appointment closest to the holiday, so i can express my gratitude to her for keeping me less feral looking than I’d be otherwise! (I do the same thing with my mail person who is a sweetheart, and the trash pick up folks if i can catch them.)

    12. Bubblewrap*

      When I get a haircut close to Christmas, I double the tip I usually give. It’s not much, but she spends less than half an hour trimming my hair her every 6 weeks so I don’t have a special relationship with her or anything.

    13. Westsidestory*

      A bottle of champagne is what I always give. Something around $20-30 USD. Not too cheap, but not so expensive it won’t be used at holiday time. And everybody celebrates New Years, right? For the assistants (if someone else washes your hair) double the usual tip.

    14. Kay*

      I’ve worked with the owner of the salon for many years – so while I should have been giving a gift, after a few years of just doing a nice bottle of wine I asked if she wanted a gift/tip being as I don’t know her that well. She didn’t care – so I broke etiquette protocol and just tipped what I would any other stylist year round.

      This year I will have a new stylist and I expect to give at least double my usual tip. Guess I best start figuring out what I want to do now that its come up!

      1. Kay*

        Also – I don’t do Christmas either – but any vendor I use gets a year end bonus, which is how I look at this. If I do a card it always references the new year/thanks for all your work this year/and if I do reference holidays it is in reference to the season.

    15. sulky-anne*

      Thanks so much for the input, everyone! If it helps, I should say that I really like my stylist, we have a pretty warm relationship, and I would like to show my appreciation if it’s appropriate to do that. I just don’t want to make it awkward for them if either this isn’t a thing that anyone does anymore or if it seems weird to make the gift less holiday-ish. I’m a little awkward about handing people cash in general. So the intel is much appreciated!

    16. Ellis Bell*

      Box of chocolates and a card. I aim to make it more about appreciation and the only reason I give it in December is because it’s a good time to thank someone for the year. December is also a hellishly busy period for stylists, so I think a bit of acknowledgement doesn’t go amiss.

  5. Frankie Bergstein*

    Last week, there was a really helpful (for me) thread about what you do when you know you need to end a friendship. How do you prep for that type of conversation? What type of conversation do you have? I can post the link in a response to this comment.

    I wanted to follow-up on that to ask: how do you get over the pain of ending a friendship? As the pandemic started, then things opened back up, I made new friends each time. I lost friends each time. (Many friends just stayed the same. Some of the new friends are still friends). The losses are really painful. I do think that the friends I lost were ultimately not healthy, functional relationships that I wanted to keep — they were definitely ones that needed to end, but it’s still immensely painful.

    I think what’s painful isn’t losing these particular folks – the friendships weren’t rewarding – I found myself in a position where I felt like I was serving vs. being in a reciprocal relationship. I think I miss feeling like I had close friends. I think the space (mostly mental) that they left is still bothering me, even as I fill it with new things (running club, organizing activities, hanging out with new folks/maybe potential friends).

    Do you all have any advice on getting through the pain of friendship dissolutions? (I’m the type of person who tends to take things pretty hard, fwiw). Is it odd to be grieving the loss of unhealthy relationships this much? I think they’re triggering a lot of self-doubt for me – like why did these go wrong? Do I just have a broken picker?

    1. anxious*

      It is not odd at all to grieve even the most dysfunctional relationships. Yes, there was a lot that was unhealthy, but you were attached to them, and now they aren’t a part of your life any more. Endings trigger grief, and that is totally normal.

      1. anxious*

        Oops, accidentally hit submit.
        No advice on how to deal with this, but you’re definitely not alone in trying to figure out what went wrong.

        What helps me is planning for the future. Think about how to set boundaries next time you find yourself in similar situations like finding yourself in a non reciprocal relationship. Or even on how you can be a better friend yourself. I’ve lost people, and after all this over thinking, realised that I can be rather critical of things ( like music that other people love, to give an example). Can’t change the past, but next time, I’ll be more mindful of others.

        1. allathian*

          I’m glad you’re doing some introspection here. It can be really difficult to realize that you’re the bad guy for someone else. I mean, sure, some things are dealbreakers for me, too. I could never be friends with a proselytizing member of any religion, or someone with extreme right-wing views, or a person who’s constantly late to everything (because I’m one of those “early is on time and on time is late” people, and I know from experience that I can’t deal with the frustration of them always being late, I’ve ended friendships for that reason alone).

          Matters of taste are just that, I can deal with a friend liking different music than I do, or hating my favorites, as long as they respect my right to like what I like, and don’t insist on playing music that I strongly dislike when we hang out.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I was talking to someone today about romantic relationships. He said something like, “I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the person.” I thought about that when I read your line about missing feeling like you had close friends. If you were “serving vs. being in a reciprocal relationship,” maybe you didn’t actually have the close friendship you wanted. I think it’s quite understandable to feel grief, but it sounds like the grief is for something that this particular relationship didn’t actually provide for you.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Broken picker. Get some boundaries books and read them. This can help you to reframe what friendship should look like. The key is in knowing when it is starting to be too much giving and not enough getting. If you have boundaries that you can articulate, you are more apt to notice when a relationship is running lop-sided.

      Friendship-dissolution. I’d recommend grief books. Learn the causes for grief and the symptoms of grief. Grief is for a lot of things- lost friends, lost jobs, a good car gone bad, or just about anything you can think of. As far as symptoms, using myself as an example, I know that I can dig right into junk food. So one thing I can do is make sure I have healthy snacks laying around the house. The junk food will only make me feel worse and in turn can exasperate my upset because my body does not have enough fuel to cope. Another symptom I have is problems with sleep. For me, the best thing I can do is put myself on a sleep schedule and stick to it like glue. It’s amazing how coping skills can come back the next day if I have adequate rest the night before.

      I think the hardest thing I had to process was that the person was not the person I thought they were. Reality is that not too many people are living up to their fullest potential, myself included. While they were taking too much from me and that was not fair to me, I also was probably not fair in my expectations from them. They could not give what I expected. So the unfairness goes both ways.

      One response to this is to have MORE friends, a wider variety of people. They do not have to be close friends but they should be interesting to you in some way. When I find myself admiring a person less and less, I know to stop and ask why that is happening. It’s usually because they are taking to much from me or the way they speak to me has degraded or some other thing is going on.

      My fav thing to do is to ask myself what lesson I have learned for a given situation. If I can extract any sort of a lesson, I can begin to feel that all is not lost. I can keep the lesson learned and in the future position myself so that this happens less and less.

    4. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I think it’s normal for it to sting and to be caught up in processing it for a little while. Even if you logically know you’re better off without them in your life, on some level it can also feel a bit like it’s your fault somehow and trigger a fountain of self-doubt (you judged them wrong! you’re actually a horrible person and you never knew!). Particularly if they were nasty or manipulative towards you during the friendship breakdown, those feelings can cut deep and stick.

      I cut things off with a long time friend during COVID and he went through the whole DARVO/gaslighting routine. I could see exactly what he was doing, but that still didn’t make me immune to the effects of it. I still felt like I was the arsehole.

      But OTOH I didn’t realise how much I had grown to dread maintaining the relationship, and I felt huge relief when it was over. So for me, focussing the post mortem on all the reasons I was happy to have him out of my life helped me get past the insecurity. And now that I accept the trade-off I am totally cool with being the arsehole.

      What might help too is to remind yourself that very few friendships are destined to last a lifetime or even a long time. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or with them – that’s just often how it is and that’s ok! You didn’t fail at anything and there’s no reason to be hard on yourself.

    5. Colette*

      I think I define friends differently than you do.

      To me, part of friendship is a longer-term thing. So if I meet someone and we click, that’s great! But I wouldn’t consider them a close friend unless I’d go to them for help (which I don’t do easily/often). And losing them would be sad but fleeting.

      But part of that is that I don’t define myself by how many friends I have. I’m ok on my own, and friends are a lovely bonus.

      It might help to remind yourself that, although you want friends, these people weren’t friends you want.

      I’m wondering whether it would be worth a few counselling sessions, if this persists.

    7. grocery store pootler*

      Sometimes it just takes time. I lost a couple of friends when they moved somewhat further away and did an abrupt fade. I had been feeling like we weren’t getting along great for a bit, so it wasn’t astounding that things fell apart, but it still really hurt, and off-and-on, the hurt lasted for quite a while. It didn’t help that every so often spouse or I would hear from them (very casually, not returning to the level of friendship we had had), and each time it would stir up my emotions about it again. Eventually I took some steps so they couldn’t inadvertently trigger all my feelings about it any more, and I think that helped in a couple ways: on the practical side, not getting an irregular drip of unpredictable and painful reminders, and also just recognizing in my own mind that though I wished them well, and I missed them a lot for a time, I no longer wanted to be friends (and so was prepared to block, etc.). That was how I made some closure for myself about it.

  6. anxious*

    Can you share scripts to shut down well-intentioned talk about my body, when I can’t afford to offend the other? It’ll be nice to have scripts that I can use in a cheerful, matter of fact, let’s move on now tone.

    I’m underweight and extremely conscious that this isn’t good for my health (my GP agrees). This comes with a lot of complicated feelings as skipping meals is an unhealthy coping mechanism against anxiety that I’m trying to manage, so I really don’t want to discuss this topic with others.

    I’ve got some extended family that I see every few months for lunch, and occasionally get “oh, you’ve grown thinner” in a concerned tone when they first see me. I also occasionally get a little teasing on how I should eat more. They are nice people and overall the positives from these lunches easily outweighs the annoyance of occasional comments on my weight.

    The worst offence happened to be at a dental checkup). The nurse and dentist were extremely complimentary about how thin I am, and asked my secret. I tried to divert the conversation but they kept returning to the topic, and I couldn’t figure out how to directly ask them to stop without the frustration and anger showing in my tone.

    1. AnonyMouse*

      For extended family, is there anyone within the family who you could talk to one-on-one and ask to spread the word to the extended fam, giving a heads up that you’ve grown thinner (so they don’t exclaim in surprise), but that it makes you uncomfortable and you really don’t want to discuss it?

      1. anxious*

        I feel like asking someone else to bring this up makes it a bigger deal than it is. I just want to say something (in a nice, cheerful tone) in the moment the next time they say something about my weight. No more exclaiming about my weight, no more asking if I’ve grown thinner, and no more joking about how I can afford to take another serve of food at lunch.

    2. Workerbee*

      It doesn’t sound like these folks are worried about how their words and beliefs affect or offend you. I think it’s perfectly okay to let some of your frustration seep into your voice!

      Or be the Grey Rock and tonelessly make it so boring for them that they’ll go broken-record at something else. Deflect, redirect, escape.

      I think my following examples aren’t entirely Grey enough, but I am irate on your behalf.

      “Yes, so you’ve said before. Hasn’t the weather been interesting lately?”

      “Oh, I’m trying to make it a practice never to talk about people’s bodies. You never know what’s going on with someone or how your words can do damage! So, about that casserole Aunt Lydia brought…”

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thank you for this! I’ve been in the same situation recently and frustration was the only thing that worked with my family (cheerful subject change is perfect with everyone else).

        Longer story for OP: I try not to snap in front of my family, because that only reinforces to them that I’m a child that needs disciplining (I’m in my 30s and the best expert on my own body). But with this, I couldn’t help it, because it took me a whole decade to deal with painful eating and body image issues and every comment takes me back there.

        My relatives are very persistent, out of, I suspect, the same predisposition to extreme worry I have. “My GP and I have got this” didn’t work, “I feel healthy and strong” didn’t work, demonstrating healthy appetite didn’t work, changing subject didn’t work, and politely saying “let’s not talk about this” didn’t work either. So I went the short temper way. I think what eventually worked was escalating my tone of voice to extreme frustration and telling my mother some variation of “I’m not going to discuss this with you any further”. The last few times I’ve seen my parents, I’ve barely heard any comments, and it was such a relief.

        OP, here’s a virtual hug, if you want it. Whatever feeling healthy and comfortable means to you, I hope you have all the help you need to get there.

      2. anxious*

        Workerbee, those are good scripts to follow when people are being pushy, thank you!

        Cookies for breakfast, , dealing with pushy parents sounds incredibly frustrating. Virtual hugs to you too, and best wishes for your health journey :)

        With my cousin, it almost feels like small talk. “Hi, how are you, have you grown thinner?” in a very cheerful tone tinged with a bit of concern. And I say “no, I’m just the same”, and they thankfully always leave it alone and are never pushy about it.

        Also, we’re immigrants from a culture where it’s “traditional” to press food on guests, and so while it’s a bit annoying to be asked to eat more, and not be shy, I can deal with that. What I find annoying is the comments that I can “afford to eat more”.

        Conversations sometimes get to the topic of what they’re doing to loose weight… Refusing dessert, going vegetarian, buying fitbits, etc. So they just think talking about weight is as acceptable as talking about weather. I don’t mind one bit when they talk about their weight (that’s their prerogative). I just want to tell them to never talk about mine, and then keep reminding them as needed.

    3. marvin the paranoid android*

      I really appreciate the phrase “What a question!” when asked something inappropriate. Depending on tone it can sound fairly warm and even a bit funny, so I like to have it in my pocket for situations where I want to make nice with the other person. You do have to keep the conversation rolling after, though. For a slightly more pointed version, I will sometimes use “Oh, that’s really personal,” although it kind of depends on the situation and whether the other person has any boundaries.

      1. English Rose*

        Oh I really like “What a question!” Thank you for the idea, this could work in all kinds of circumstances.

      2. anxious*

        Thanks for this, both sound really useful. I don’t think I can pull it off in the warm cheerful tone right now, but I’m going to practice.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      With family I’d probably just go with a “yep” + subject change, and then “I’d rather not talk about my body” or “I really only discuss this with my doctor” if they push (especially with a worry/health focus). Also, depending on how this fits with your health plan and personal preferences, can you make a point of eating something that signals “healthy appetite” to your family? Like if you’re always having a salad and a water that could invite more assumptions or comments than a big sandwich or a milkshake would.

      With the dentist, that’s so unprofessional and inappropriate that I think it’s good for them to get a negative response! I wouldn’t return to a dentist who made non-dental comments about my body.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Oh, or to soften the pushback with family a little more, something like “I know you’re concerned but my doctor and I have this handled” or “I appreciate that but you don’t need to worry” (you can appreciate that they care even if they’re showing it in a crappy way)

    5. RagingADHD*

      “Yep, my doctor’s working on it. Can we talk about something else, please?”

      As with many things, it’s all in the delivery. That could potentially come across snarky, but a firm, cheerful tone should go a long way.

      1. Qwerty*

        Maybe insert “but it’s not something to worry about” at the end of the first sentence? I could see my relatives combining “losing weight” + “doctor” = “scary medical thing causing weight loss”

        I like RagingADHD’s script because you can do breezy blowoffs to the inevitable follow up questions and imply this is a temporary side effect something without getting into details (medication changes, elimination diets for getting diagnosis, etc, if you want to have some of those in your mind as mystery possibilities)

    6. Not A Manager*

      I think there’s a difference between people who are concerned and people who are complimentary. For people who are concerned, as you are, a good response is something like “yes, I’m working on it.” For people like your dentist, who are complimenting you/asking your secret, I think it’s appropriate to hint that this is not a desired result. “My secret is extreme stress.” “My secret is unmanageable anxiety.” Something like that should indicate that this is not a topic to pursue.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. With professionals who say inappropriate things when they’re supposed to provide a service to you, it’s also perfectly reasonable to make it clear to them that their behavior is inappropriate.

        2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          “I’m working on this with my endocrinologist (GP, …). Now can we focus on my teeth so my nutrition is as good as it gets from that end?”

      2. KoiFeeder*

        I once did “my secret is intestinal ulcers” and got “oh, wow, so is there a pill for that?”. I think I should have been lauded for not punching them.

      3. anxious*

        Just thinking about responding with snark makes me feel so empowered!

        I’m going to practice these and remember to use them in situations where I can afford to snark and walk away. So delicious.

        1. anxious*

          So tempted to turn this on cousin.

          Cousin, cheerfully: “Hi, nice to see you! Have you lost weight?” / “you’ve grown even thinner than last time!”
          Me, extra cheerfully: “nice to see you too! not really, what about you?”

    7. KoiFeeder*

      Can’t speak as to the extended family, but as for the dental checkup- been there, done that, got the novelty t-shirt. There isn’t a lot you can tell them to make them stop because they’re so fixated on thin = virtuous and healthy that they genuinely are not hearing what you’re saying, and probably only partially hearing how you say it. I find it… at least amusing enough to be tolerable to grey rock, but that doesn’t actually stop them, they just start filling in what they think your half of the conversation should be in their heads and responding to that.

    8. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I can’t speak to your experience, but when I pushed back at my own dental hygenist’s questions, she told me that dentists and hygenists are often the first people to see evidence of eating disorders (acid erosion of the tooth enamel).

        1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

          True, I was put off by the question immediately. She followed it up with an explanation about seeing the effects of stomach acid on the soft tissues and getting reflux under control ASAP to avoid ruining my teeth.

          I was in my 20s and laughed it off it then. The past few years proved her right when I had several fillings put in :(

      2. anonagain*

        I think the nature of the questions matters a lot. It’s tedious to answer health questions but health care professionals should keep asking them. “What is your secret?” is not a health question and is every kind of not okay.

    9. JSPA*

      For the solicitous: “yes, my doctor and I have it on our radar. But let’s not go into that here.”

      For the misguided praise at the dentist: “please, can we not? It’s a health problem, not a desired outcome.”

    10. Esmeralda*

      Dental office: shut that down right away, if they do it again. Immediately respond, in a calm tone, “please don’t talk about my body, it makes me uncomfortable.” Then cheerfully “let’s talk about my teeth instead!”

      It’s completely inappropriate and unprofessional.

      BTW if they’re doing it while they’re working in your mouth and you can’t reply, hold up your hand so they stopping working, then say, “please don’t talk about my body, it makes me uncomfortable.” Then cheerfully say, ok, you can start back on my cleaning!

      1. anxious*

        I’d love to say something snarky, but in that situation, I was stuck in that dentists chair for 30 minutes. If they’re so unprofessional as to complement me on my “thinness” and not pick up on my discomfort in my polite responses “no, I don’t have a secret”, “I don’t follow any specific diet”, “actually I’m trying to gain weight” (I wish I didn’t say this, tbh), return to the topic twice more. I was afraid that if I say something rude, they would get offended and that would compromise the care I’m going to get. Or just be unpleasant to be around even if the quality of care is unaffected.

        I left them a bad review, and am never going back to them. But I need something in my arsenal to say next time I’m in such a situation. This is really helpful, thanks! I’m going to try variants of “let’s not talk about my weight, and talk about teeth instead!” and keep repeating this instead of trying to give responses to their actual questions.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, I can understand that it’s difficult to push back in that situation, and I’m glad you left a bad review. It’s one thing if a dental hygienist or dentist notices erosion on your teeth and asks if you’re vomiting regularly for any reason, including bulimia, and quite another to assign a positive value to something that is a health problem for you.

          1. Anon for this*

            It’s actually really upsetting to be a person who isn’t bulemic, yet has dentists repeatedly insist on going there due to tooth erosion (starting in early childhood, before you have even heard of bulemia, and are nevertheless subject to intense, probing questions from your freaking DENTIST about your body image and voluntary vomiting).

            Wrong in so many ways.

            First, there’s the “I came in for a cavity, not a life / behavioral evaluation.”

            Then, there’s the clearly-telegraphed “refusal to believe the patient,” upon denial. Intrinsically shitty.

            Thirdly, there’s “talking about vomit is unsettling, and even more so when people are putting their fingers, tools, photo plates and liquids in your mouth.”

            Fourth, there is the implied, “you present kinda female and hefty, why wouldn’t you be bulemic?” Which…no. Just, no.

            It’s deeply messed up that I have to lead out by announcing that I have erosion, but am not bulemic, and that I don’t welcome further discussion of the topic, if I don’t want to go through this fuckery each and every time.

            Any dentistry people reading:

            1. There are all kinds of reasons for erosion (and for accretions).

            2. You’re not eating disorder specialists–no more than the random person at work who has opinions on other people’s diets.

            YES, eating disorders are common, but so’s emetophobia. This topic is important, but it nevertheless ALWAYS needs to be opt-in, not the default (and certainly not an insistent default).

            1. allathian*

              I’m sorry my comment was so insensitive, you’re so right. Dentists should focus on teeth and gums and leave the other parts of the body alone.

    11. Turingtested*

      “It’s actually a well managed medical condition I’d prefer not to discuss.”

      “Ha, I’m sure no one wants to hear me talk about how hard it is to gain weight!”

      As a formerly super thin person I’ve used both of these and the second one got the best results.

      1. Cj*

        I’m not sure if the OP of this thread cares if what they say is accurate or not, but I don’t think the first statement you suggested is true in their case.

  7. Cataract surgery recovery tips*

    I’d posted last round or so inquiring about cataract lenses. My surgery is coming up in a few days!

    What tips do you have for a smart recovery?
    Also, if you had both eyes done (as I will have, a week apart), how did you manage with your new eye and your original eye?

    1. RLC*

      A few points I recall from my cataract surgery around 10 years ago:
      1) You may be given a lifting limit during your recovery. Check before surgery that items you carry regularly such as handbag, backpack, lunchbox, etc., are not too heavy, as you may have to find lighter alternatives for a while. I was fortunate to have colleagues who willingly lifted tools and equipment for me at work, and spouse who carried all the Costco purchases (and our 21 pound cat….)
      2) I experienced extreme light sensitivity and dry eyes for a few years after my cataract surgery. As I worked outdoors I had to switch from regular sunglasses to the darkest lenses legally permitted for driving. The best option I found was online direct from Oakley, to find a style with good coverage from wind and sun, very dark lenses, and durable materials.
      3) To fit my work schedule and my surgeon’s schedule, my surgeries were about 6 weeks apart. During the period with one new and one original eye my near vision depth perception was “off” somehow; much eyestrain using computer monitors. I also had great difficulty correctly interpreting facial expressions during the between-surgeries period; possibly the oddest part of the whole experience.
      4) If possible, try to line up someone to help administer the eye drops which are usually prescribed for a few days after cataract surgery.
      Good luck and hope your surgery goes well!

      1. Cataract surgery recovery tips*

        Thank you so much for sharing your experience!

        I had been wondering how well I’d aim with those eye drops…

    2. Forrest Rhodes*

      Both eyes done, 2 weeks apart, in May 2022. A few random thoughts that might help:

      – The 2 weeks of “one eye done, one eye not” wasn’t nearly as difficult as I’d feared. I did minimal reading/TV/screen for the first couple of days; and once I stopped using the eyepatch, I guess my brain adjusted for the differing vision. It was never a problem.

      – My instructions were to wear the eyepatch for 24 hours after the surgery, then wear it only at night. Attaching and detaching it was a minor nuisance, but not that bad. At my 7-days-postsurgery followup, the doc said wearing it at night was no longer necessary.

      – I was back to reading comfortably without glasses within 48 hours of the first surgery, and driving (with the sunglasses) within about 3 days.

      – I agree with RLC, the eyedrops are important. I didn’t have another person around to help me, so created a time schedule and did them myself; no difficulties. (After a day or so, your aim improves and you get really good at not ending up with eyedrops all over your face!)

      – Also agree with RLC about the not lifting stuff or bending over. This too wasn’t as much of a problem as I’d thought it would be.

      – Had to remind myself to avoid sleeping on the surgeried side for a few days.

      The best thing is when you do away with the patch and start using the surgeried eye normally—it’s wonderful. I found myself spending hours just gazing out the window at the trees (each individual leaf!) and the mountains across the arroyo.

      Hope some of this is helpful. Congratulations to you, and I’m sure you’re going to love the difference!

    3. slashgirl*

      I had cataract surgery in 2017, both eyes, six weeks apart. The second one for my left, wasn’t what they called “ripe” but they did because the difference in prescription between my right eye (post surgery) and left eye was so huge. Also, by the time they did the cataract in my right eye, I was legally blind in that eye–I couldn’t read the top letter on the eye chart. Now? I have 20/10 vision–I can read the bottom line on the eye chart; I couldn’t do that with my glasses!

      What the other posters have said wrt recovery seems to be pretty much average.

      Both times post surgery, when I did the eye drops, I could taste them–and they don’t taste good. What helped, sometimes, was after doing the drops, closing my eye and gently pressing in the corner. Also, the gel I had to use bothered my left eye but not my right; doc said it was a common reaction, but one of the drops worked to soothe that feeling, mostly.

      Before surgery, I was very near-sighted and had worn glasses since age 10–but I didn’t wear my glasses between the surgeries as my right eye basically dominated and I could see fine without my glasses. Which was AWESOME. However, I now have to wear glasses for reading and using the computer–but I was headed towards bifocals anyways. I’m lucky, I’m still able to use the dollar store reading glasses (aka cheap ones) and not prescription. My sister, who had her cataract surgery a couple years before me, needs prescription glasses–she has trifocals–top is no scrip, middle is for computer screen and bottom is for reading, but that happened a few years after her surgery.

      Good luck with everything!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, not the same but when I did LASIK the eyedrops had a “taste” which was weird – the doctor suggested that people sucked on a strong flavored candy when they put the drops in if it really bothered them, cinnamon, peppermint, ginger or lemon.

      2. Cataract surgery recovery tips*

        Wow, from legally blind to no glasses! I understand about having to use readers/computer glasses.

        The eyedrops having a taste was not something I would ever have expected.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Mine were two years apart, but here are some thoughts about the post op in general.
      Agree with the weight limit thoughts. Check out how much your usual stuff weighs. For me, things were much heavier than I thought.
      Use the drops and follow post op instructions to the letter. I still use my moisturizing eye drops every morning, 5 and 7 years post op. Maybe I need to because I’m getting older or maybe it’s the surgeries? Either way, my eyes feel great when I use them and feel dry if I don’t.
      Good luck!!

      1. Cataract surgery recovery tips*

        I will do some weighing and pay attention to my ordinary routine (reaching for dishes, poking around inside the fridge, where I keep certain supplies, etc.).

        Thank you!

  8. Frally*

    I’m looking for a book I once read and enjoyed, but can’t remember the title or author. It’s about a police officer who realizes that many people in the area are dying for no reason. They seem to just stop eating until they’re gone.

    SPOILER ALERT

    Turns out there’s a man who finds people who are depressed and hypnotizes them into letting go- they stop eating and sort of fall into a trance under his control until they die. He eventually comes across the police officer who linked all the deaths (she is now depressed after her mother’s death) and tries it on her.

    Sounds kooky, but it was actually very good. I’d like to read it again, but all I can remember is that the authors name was a pseudonym. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

    2. Libra10*

      I’ve read this book!, it’s really good, but sorry cannot remember the title. I thought it was something like Human Beings, but it’s not.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I just gave the search a shot and couldn’t find it, but I’m not very good at the search thing. It sounds like a super book and would love to read it!

    6. Lcsa99*

      Let’s see if my Google fu worked: could it be A Famished Heart by Nicola White?

      Gonna keep looking just in case

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Google suggested “The Hypnotist” by Lars Kepler. It doesn’t sound super close to what you described but the author name is notable because it’s a pseudonym for a couple who writes together?

    10. PhyllisB*

      I know what you mean. I was wanting to recommend a book to someone that I read years ago
      It was about an attorney who prosecuted a man who was given the death sentence. Well, the prisoner kept maintaining his innocence and kept asking for his help in proving it. Turns out the man is telling the truth so attorney then fights to have man released. This is not a spoiler, it was all on the book jacket. The only problem is, I can’t remember title or author. I kept thinking it was Clive Cussler. And yes, I know that’s not the kind of books he writes, but I do remember that whoever did write this was not writing their usual style. I asked my friend, but she didn’t remember, either. If this rings a bell with anyone, let me know.

      1. ECHM*

        I just heard about a story like this … I thought it was being made into a movie but I couldn’t find any information.

  9. isolation activities?*

    I have COVID, unfortunately, and I’m isolating from my housemates in the office (large closet). Trying to figure out what to do this weekend so as not to die of boredom!

    I’m thinking movies and puzzles. Other ideas for activities that can happen in a room that’s no larger than a twin air mattress?

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      Is TV an option for you? I’d probably read, watch TV, do gentle yoga, and video call or chat people I hadn’t talked with. And catch up on computer-based life admin.

    2. AnonyMouse*

      Audiobooks and podcasts plus puzzles and snacks! I would maybe do some time consuming life stuff that feels productive, like:
      – Organize all my digital photos (make space on my phone, back everything up) and then order prints and physical photo albums – I love making photobooks but it takes a long time to set them up
      – Organize my holiday gift giving plans for this year and do some online shopping
      – Plan end of year donations

    3. Anonymous Koala*

      For productive things, I like the idea of computer based admin, maybe alongside a movie. Things like cleaning up files, deleting duplicates, updating software, etc. Otherwise audiobooks and body weight exercises (if you feel up to it) might be good options.

    4. Liminality*

      I fell in love with cardgames.io during my covid recovery. It has SO Many Games! You can play against a computer, against other people, and if you are on the phone with someone you can “invite” them to play with you and talk while you play. I taught my Mom how to play backgammon on that site. :)
      Also Drawasaurus.org same concept of playing against strangers or people you know. We actually do that one in work meetings when we have extra time!
      Good Luck!

    5. Richard Hershberger*

      I take it you aren’t a sports fan? Because this is a fantastic weekend for (American) sports consumers.

      1. isolation activities?*

        Haha, this is the first I’m hearing of any sports this weekend! I’m not a sports person myself, but I hope you enjoy!

    6. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      If you feel up to it: handicrafts, especially hand-stitching, knitting, crotcheting but also paper-based stuff like origami
      I made a little stuffed animal from felt the other day and tried to learn how to fold some origami animals. Was relatively successful and occupied quite a bit of time.

    7. Pucci*

      Mend clothing – sew on buttons, fix seams, etc. If you have the energy, try on everything in your closet and dresser and sort for donation, etc. Polish shoes.

      Paint like you are a child. Flowers, landscapes, it doesn’t matter, just engage a different part of your brain. See the effects of blending colors.

    8. Anono-me*

      To piggyback on a couple of ideas already posted, chair yoga and organizing and labeling actual paper photos, and maybe scanning them.

    9. looking for a new name*

      Clean out your emails. Write letters (use the computer and print and mail them when you are better). Give yourself a mani=pedi. Plan a trip.

    11. Hey nonnie nonnie*

      If you celebrate Christmas, this is the year to do your shopping ahead of time and be completely relaxed come December. I was in the same situation as you last week (isolating in a small room), so I researched and ordered a bunch of gifts for family and close friends.

      Also did some clothes shopping for myself because, after two years of WFH, I noticed I didn’t have many clothes that are nice enough for the office any more. Plus, like someone said above, mending clothes was something I had put off for a while and now am completely caught up on.

      Hope you feel better soon!

    12. VegetarianRaccoon*

      If you do that sort of thing and feel up to it, I think you could start on holiday greeting card/letters. Don’t send them out yet of course, but you could have them all written, addressed, stamped and ready to go!

    13. RandomBiter*

      I play the heck out of the acrostics and crosswords on Puzzle Baron. They also have logic problems and bunch of other stuff.

  10. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Feel free to share anything that you’re reading right now, and ask for or give recommendations!

    I’m currently reading The Star-Touched Queen by Roshani Chokshi. I’m about 2/3 of the way through and have been enjoying it, although I just got to a tense bit and I’m not sure how it’s going to go from here to the end.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I recently read “The Foundling” by Ann Leary, which I’m pretty sure was an Alison recommendation awhile back. It was really good! Thought-provoking and infuriating (about the history it’s based on). For a lot of the book I felt like the main character was duuuuumb so that made her kind of unsympathetic for me but the story was great!

    2. The cat's pajamas*

      Thank to to the person who recommended Flying Solo by Linda Holmes. I decided to read Evvie Drake Starts Over first, even though it didn’t seem like 100% my kind of book. I listened to the audiobook and enjoyed 90% of it, which is great for me. I have Flying Solo on hold from the library and looking forward to when my turn comes up to try that one, too.

    3. TheraputicSarcasm*

      My Imaginary Mary by Cynthia Hand, Brodi Ashton, and Jodi Meadows. I read it in one day, laughing frequently.
      Young Mary Shelley befriends Ada Lovelace, and soon afterwards the two young women find out they have the power to make the things they imagine real. Chaos, hijinks, shenanigans, and anachronistic references to things like Jaws, Clue, and Blade Runner ensue.

    4. bright as yellow*

      I’m reading (er, falling asleep to the audio book of) the Enchanted places, an autobiography of Christopher Robin Milne. I’ve previously used the Pooh books as bedtime stories, and I’m enjoying listening to the people behind the stories

    5. Vio*

      I just finished reading The Secrets Of Lost Stones by Melissa Payne. It’s a really touching story about two grieving people brought together by a strange but friendly old woman.
      There’s also just about anything by Shirley Jackson but especially We Have Always Lived In The Castle or The Summer People. She had an amazing talent for building atmosphere.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I often read either We Have Always Lived in the Castle or Haunting of Hill House around Halloween, I’m not big on horror usually but I love Shirley Jackson. My favorite of her short stories is “What a Thought”

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        The Haunting of Hill House is one of my all time favorite books. The part where Nell is driving to Hill House and you slowly realize that she is –quite off is fantastic.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I read Redshirts by John Scalzi. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I expected. :-/ Then, I tried to read Foundation by Isaac Asimov (I read Asimov as a teenager but not the Foundation series). I was disappointed by the writing itself, the naiveté of the story and also how much, as a woman, Asimov didn’t imagine a place for me in this future. I’m roughly one third through, but I’m not sure I’ll finish it.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, the early Asimov and Clarke novels are troublesome in this regard. Both learned as they got older, though. My favorite Foundation novels are the prequels Prelude to Foundation and Forward the Foundation, about the life of Hari Seldon as he developed the theory of psychohistory. Both feature interesting female characters who are crucial to the story. I’m stuck about halfway through Foundation and Empire.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Ditto.

        Redshirts had so much potential, but the direction Scalzi went with it didn’t tickle me as much as I’d hoped.

        Foundation was a series of short stories published in 1951. I tried reading it as an adult and found it it so boring because as I recall it was mostly people talking with little/zero action. I never read any more of the series but I suppose that whatever popularity the series has comes from later, better books.

      3. CharlieBrown*

        I tried reading Redshirts at the beginning of the pandemic and had to put it down. It just didn’t connect with me at all.

        I read the Foundation trilogy when I was a teenager, and even then I noticed that Asimove has a style all his own, and it’s something you either love or hate. I never noticed the lack of female characters (as a geeky teenager pre-internet, I’m not surprised) but have read a lot of criticism about that lately. Apparently, the television series based on Foundation does a lot to remedy this, thankfully. I haven’t really read him since high school, but now I don’t think I would. He belongs to a different age.

        1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          Yes, the series addresses it. For example, Gaal Dornick and Salvor Hardin are both women in the series. The first series ends at about the time of the revolt on Anacreon.

    7. IT Manager*

      I’m looking for recommendations – have run out of books on my list and waiting for more Libby holds. Just finished Josephine Tey and Did Not Enjoy. The low-grade racism running throughout was just too much and it wasn’t much of a “mystery”, more like a character novel where I just didn’t care about the characters. I had heard Tey was similar to Agatha Christie novels but did not find this so.

      Right before that, I read Mira Grant – Parasite and Feed. Good books, mostly enjoyed … the author does that thing where everything has to be explained – like… I walked through the door, slowly because sometimes the door sticks and so I always slow down at that door. Could have been 1/3 shorter but the other 2/3 was good!

      Still basking in the glow of the Richard Osmond latest, may just re-read the whole Thursday Murder Club series for now!!

      1. Alyn*

        From Mira Grant, Into the Drowning Deep is fantastic IMO.

        Along the same lines, T. Kingfisher’s The Hollow Places and The Twisted Ones (both stand-alone novels) are very good. She also has a new one out, What Moves the Dead, which is a retelling of the fall of the house of usher.

        Cherie Priest’s The Family Plot is a good read; a lot of people also like her book The Toll, although personally I struggled with that a bit more because I didn’t like any of the characters.

        The Fate of Mercy Alban by Wendy Webb and The Broken Girls by Simone St James were also good.

        1. IT Manager*

          Thank you! I will check these out – love T Kingfisher but didn’t know there was a new book out, that’s lovely.

          Thanks!!

    8. No Name Yet*

      I wanted to say thank you to this list for book recs!

      I just finished the Scholomance trilogy by Naomi Novik, after seeing folks here talk about how excited they were for the 3rd book to come out. I LOVED the series, and after the twists in the third book, am seriously thinking about re-reading the first one.

      I also grabbed the first Hamster Princess book (by Ursula Vernon) after someone here mentioned it, and my 7 year old, wife, and I have all loved it! While I’m happy for my kid to read whatever he likes, it’s always a treat when he’s reading books that my wife and I genuinely enjoy as well. We’re all at different points in the series, but have found them all fun. It’s also neat, because earlier this year I read another book by her that was rec’d here (A Wizard’s Guide to Defense Baking, also A+++ would recommend), which my wife and I enjoyed, but is definitely too old for my kid – he was kind of upset that we were laughing at a book that he couldn’t read, and now he likes being part of the joke!

      1. GoryDetails*

        So glad to see new fans of “Hamster Princess”! Do check out the “Danny Dragonbreath” books, also by Vernon – they feature more typical-kids-at-school settings, but veer into magical travel and wild adventures.

        1. No name yet*

          Yes, we saw that series and thought it looked promising – glad to know it’s also a good one!

      2. Jackalope*

        Thanks for the reminder! I too read the third Scholomance book this week but it was at the beginning of the week so I’d forgotten. I went back and reread bits of the first two after I finished book three, and she was clearly setting up the twists in book three from the beginning. That was a lot of fun, although I’d forgotten just how stressful the first book was with the characters being in such constant danger. I like the book a lot but it was still stressful!

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        On finishing the third book I immediately picked the first one back up to reread with events of the third in mind. Highly worth it. Incredible both how many little details in the first two books uphold the revelations in the third, and that I did not see them coming. (It’s hard to pull off a big reveal in an ongoing series people love enough to come together and analyze–much more workable in a single movie or book.)

      1. M&M Mom*

        I loved Mystic River. I saw the movie first which the led me to read all of Dennis Lehane’s books.

        1. the cat's ass*

          YES! to Dennis Lehane. My fave of his is “The Drop.” A tight, shocking little novella involving puppy rescue, dirty dealings and Boston weather. Hope he drifts back to writing when he’s done with TV shows.

    10. GoryDetails*

      On the lighter side:

      REVENGE OF THE LIBRARIANS by Tom Gauld, a collection of his cartoons with a variety of bookish themes.

      FIVE GO ON A STRATEGY AWAY DAY by Bruno Vincent, from his humorous series of riffs on Enid Blyton’s “Famous Five” characters, now grown up but still hanging out together. In this one they’ve all started jobs at a new company, with Julian struggling as their nominal boss – and then they all get dragged to a corporate retreat for team-building. Much snark is had as to the ineffectiveness of most such exercises, and the whole thing could have come from the AAM comment section.

    11. DrKMnO4*

      I just read Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune. Amazing. Not quite as good as The House in the Cerulean Sea, but still a very good book.

      It is a heavy book – the main themes are about death and how we deal with it – but not depressing, imo. I cried a LOT, but it felt…good? Hard to describe the feeling. If you cry at the end of movies like Coco, that’s what it felt like.

    12. Squeebird*

      Roughly halfway through Nona the Ninth. I find Tamsyn Muir’s writing fascinating in that I can have no clue what the hell is going on, but I’m still entertained and want to know what happens next…

    13. Lilo*

      I read Ink Black Heart (I got it from the library, because of ethical concerns with the author).

      JKR is in desperate need of an editor. There was absolutely no reason for the book to be that long. It really dragged and the mystery solution honestly could have been anyone. I like solvable mysteries.

      1. Lilo*

        I also recently read The Woman in the Library. I liked the gimmick but ultimately I found the base story irritating enough that I skimmed it to read the frame story. The whole “I know he’s not guilty because I loooove him” is so tired I was actually hoping he was the murderer because the main character was being a complete idiot.

    14. CharlieBrown*

      I just finished reading The Man Who Fell to Earth, which left me feeling….I can’t even think of a good word to describe it. Melancholy, maybe? Anyway, it was a good read and now I wish I could see the movie version with David Bowie.

      I picked up Childhood’s End by Arthur C. Clarke from the library. I read it years ago, but don’t remember any of it, apart from the plot twist. (I also picked up a book on programming in python, but I think I know how that one ends–the butler did it.)

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      Doing my Halloween reading: just finished Frankenstein, got Dracula lined up, tons of short stories, and always finish with The Halloween Tree!

    17. Alyn*

      Just finished The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal; it was okay, but left me feeling dissatisfied. The ending felt rushed, and at least to my mind there were too many questions left unanswered. I’ll probably give it a re-read at some point to see if there was anything I missed, but definitely not my favorite work from her.

    18. RandomBiter*

      Righteous Prey by John Sandford. I’m a total addict of his Lucas Davenport and Virgil Flowers novels, so with both of them in this book it’s win win!

  11. Grief Sucks*

    My mother recently passed. My father is, of course, struggling.

    1) What’s your advice for supporting a surviving parent/spouse?

    2) What’s your wisdom for detaching when there’s not much you can do? (Dad is a difficult person, but it’s mostly him and me for the long haul.)

    1. Just another commenter's name*

      No great wisdom! Try to be a sympathetic listener some of the time. Also encourage your dad to take good care of himself (regular nutrition, adequate sleep, some exercise…). Other times, make neutral comments. If the conversation seems to be getting stuck, try to gracefully remove yourself.

      Grief takes time to resolve. Every person grieves differently. Try to find a balance that includes a lot of kindness and assuming of good intentions.Even a difficult person can have heartache after someone dies.

    2. Limnaity*

      Best advice I have is to create routines. Avoiding repeated negotiations will help diminish friction. When possible, just Do Things and let them be done without comment. (e.g. laundry, routine maintenance, etc..)
      Try not to ask “Do you want…?” types of questions as the only thing he Wants he can’t have. Instead, try to aim for statements. (e.g. I’m making pancakes, if you’re hungry. Or I’m running X errand, I’d be happy to pick up something for you too.)
      It’s a common reaction, when grieving, to hold tight to that pain. Particularly when we feel like someone is trying to talk us out of it. Let him have his pain, listen with little comment when he wants to talk about it, try not to ask him “how are you” type questions.

      I’m sorry that he is not in a position to help you through your own grief. Losing a parent is a terrible thing. And the burdens of caregivers can lead to burnout faster than one might imagine. Remember to seek support where you can.

    3. English Rose*

      I’m sorry for your own loss and grief in this.

      1) Be aware of the thudding reality that comes in the period after the practical arrangements around funeral, managing your mother’s possessions and all of that are over. It’s often the lowest point. People deal with it differently – some want to talk, some don’t. Follow your Dad’s lead.
      2) As others have said, routines are good. And I would include in that regular days/evenings where you go out. Say you have a regular chess game on a Tuesday night or something. You need to maintain your own adult space. And look after your own nutrition etc.

    4. Sam I Am*

      Oh, I’m so sorry, my condolences to you.

      When Dad died I made a point of making frequent calls to Mom. I’m a few hours away by car. The calls were short-ish, and I didn’t ignore the fact that she just lost her husband, though I didn’t focus on it. Specific grieving questions like “what have you had to eat today, anything in the mail you want a hand with, have you -gotten the death certificates-has hospice taken the bed-closed his bank account- practical stuff. I would share how I was feeling, and we would talk,about how surreal it felt. But we would also talk about plans for the day, the week.

      It was a little bit emotional, a little bit administrative housekeeping.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My mother died when I was 23. I had only been married for a few months and I was just so painfully aware of how I knew nothing about how it goes for surviving spouses.

      I recommended to my father that he call/talk with specific long term friends. That seemed to help as they were going through similar things. Finding a peer group or even one peer can be supportive.

      There are grief books and grief groups. If dad is really difficult then this might not fly. But sometimes serious loss can cause people to try things they never would have tried before.

      If dad has a church/religious affiliation you might be able to tap that somehow. Some church groups can be very supportive. And sometimes peers can say things and actually be heard, that you as an off-spring cannot say because you will not be heard.

      For yourself- try not to be his only connection to the world. This is a recipe for disaster. When he encounters a problem, it is okay to refer him to outsiders. My father needed help with his taxes and I had just taken a tax course. I softened my NO by pointing out to him that he had crazy high medical deductions and other things that I had not really learned that much about. He’d be better off talking to a pro.
      It’s not up to you to resolve every problem, it’s okay to point him in a different direction. And bringing in all these other people might tend to soften some of his difficult personality features that he has.

      I am now widowed myself. In my experience the second year was worse than the first year. The first year is full of busy-ness. There is a lot of paper work, bills to pay, and things to sort through. Even a simple estate can go 9 months. But you can start dealing with year number two as you go along. And one thing you can do is to suggest activities that he could attend. I suggested volunteer work to my father. He ended up getting much more enjoyment out of a hammered dulcimer concert or a hockey game. We also did a thing with a steam engine event. (Who’d thunk????)
      I found he would try new things if he had someone to go with. I could not have predicted that one. He was too tired and worn out to take on something long term like a volunteer commitment.

      If he has siblings with a positive relationship, drag those siblings in where you can. If this sounds like a patchwork quilt of suggestions, that is actually what is happening. It’s these unrelated ideas that just work together to help him weave the next chapter in his life. Likewise he may have a neighbor who seems to like him and won’t mind including him in random things. (Some times parents offer a gentler relationship to outsiders than they do their own off-spring. Ask me how I know…..smh.)

      But above everything here, start now, start today with working on the idea that you cannot be his entire world. He won’t manage and neither will you. It’s a bad plan. Starting today look for ways to draw other people, be it friends or professionals, into his life.

    6. Gatomon*

      Try to be kind and remember their grief experience and timeline is going to be different than yours.

      When my dad passed suddenly, my mom kind of fell apart. She probably would’ve benefited from a therapist, but she refused any help. My dad and I didn’t get along (I was mourning the last bits of hope for father I wanted, not the one I had), so while I felt mostly over it in a few months, I’d say it was almost 3 years before my mom was like my mom again. Part of her new stubborn streak was refusing any financial help from me after she was forced to sell their home, so she went through a bleak winter of extreme poverty. I was extremely frustrated by this, but she was an adult and sometimes people just choose to go through things the hard way and all we can do is be there for them. It took a lot of patience to listen to her talk about keeping warm in a sleeping bag and space heater when I could’ve just paid her heat bill.

      Having recently lost my mom now, I could barely figure out how to make a sandwich in the immediate aftermath. Things like autopay for bills if not set up already, grocery delivery and food delivery really help take some burden off. Most of the money, food, help and concern evaporates after a few weeks, but your dad may still be struggling, and that’s okay.

    7. looking for a new name*

      Highly recommend a grief support group. You are grieving a mother, but he is grieving a spouse and it’s good to talk with others who are in that same place. Also sometimes you don’t need to DO anything or SAY anything, just be there puttering around. Do you live close to him? If not, set up a regular calling time or times (and add appropriate others to the call schedule, like he will now call his brother every Wednesday). If he texts, brief texts once a day (if you are the only child). My dad was always a bit worried he would just drop dead and no one would know, so that’s a help. Something you can do together but long distance, like read the same book. Sorry for your loss.

      1. Deliciouschicken*

        Dump out not in. You support him in his grief but get someone else to talk to about your own grief and any frustrations about him. I second the getting him other supports so you are not the only support bearing the full weight of supporting him.

  12. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Please share what games you’ve been playing; as always, all games are welcome and not just video games.

    For those of you who enjoy D&D, I wanted to share a recent discovery that made me think of the blog. Apparently there’s a 5e (and possibly earlier editions as well) deity called Waukeen. The many “Wakeen” discussions here immediately sprang to mind. I kind of want to create a character who worships Waukeen now just so I can laugh to myself every time she comes up in-game.

    1. TheraputicSarcasm*

      We’re in the middle of Mice And Mystics: Downwood Tales. There’s something comforting about being grown-ass adults pretending to be mice who are actually shrunken humans on an epic squeaky adventure.

    3. LimeRoos*

      Lol that’s fantastic, makes me wanna try D&D again.

      Games though! Diablo (D2R) is still going strong. Mr. Roos and I are playing season 2 ladder (my first ladder! wee!) and I love it. I’m running a Nova/Hydra Sorceress and she is destroying things. Mr. Roos is running a Hydra/Orb Sorc until we get through Hell and start doing Terror Zones for sunder charms, then comes the re-spec with whatever element we get first. Aaaaand since we’re ridiculous we’re already level 74 & 80, with a Bowazon and a Barb ready to go gear wise :-D

      And I technically ‘beat’ Cozy Grove! So adorable, so weird, and so sad & uplifting. Still need to get a few bears complete, but I got to do the fun end thing and whatnot. Also the Halloween event is super cool! The whole game is filling my Animal Crossing void without the urge to play constantly, which is great.

      1. MEH Squared*

        Thank you for reminding me that Cozy Grove does seasonal festivities! I love, love, love Cozy Grove and it’s one game I 100%ed because I loved it so much. It’s both comforting and surprisingly touching, and I cannot wait for the sequel to come out.

    4. Richard Hershberger*

      I got that rare Facebook ad that interests me: A kickstarter for Monty Python’s Curricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme, which the ad assures is totally is not a role playing game. I forwarded the ad to my fourteen year old.

    6. Alyn*

      I’ve been playing Banished lately. I like the focus on building, and the fact that once I’ve got a little town set up, I can let the sim run without a lot of interaction/micromanagement, so I can read a book while keeping half an eye on it, for example.

    7. CharlieBrown*

      Honestly, I think it would be great to create a D&D game based on AAM. Instead of getting through a dungeon, you have to get through a cubicle maze, and instead of monsters, it’s all the bad managers and coworkers we’ve seen on this site. Instead of treasure, you want to get to the copy room so that you can make copies of your resume.

      I’m pretty sure Gelatinous Cube is the Coworker Who Microwaves Fish, but I could be wrong!

    8. MEH Squared*

      I’m still playing Elden Ring (FromSoft) on my third character. I’m trying to do a dex build because I’ve never done one, but I find myself straying into magicks. It’s who I am. I can’t help it! Definitely my GOTY and it’s not even close.

      1. MEH Squared*

        Technically my fourth time through the game, but my third character. I did NG+ on the last character for the plat.

  13. Incognito for this question*

    Does anyone have ideas about finding another partner? Living without without intimacy is tiresome but the idea of dating is overwhelming. I’m decades out of practice and torn between what I do want (someone with similar values and some overlapping interests, who shares my religion–or at least does not practice another religion) and what I don’t want (certain political and professional affiliations). I don’t think that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong but I’m also not sure that it’s a good idea for me, personally. My approach to life is probably too serious for me to be comfortable with a light-hearted physical fling.

    It doesn’t help that at present I don’t have a lot of free time to search online or in person. It also doesn’t help that I’m still grieving for my spouse who died after a long illness.

    I don’t feel incomplete or inadequate as a single person but damn, sometimes it gets lonely.

    Suggestions and discussion welcome. Thanks in advance.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      I think it’s good to take it in stages. You’ve said here that you are looking for someone like minded and compatible in a few significant ways. You aren’t looking for a purely physical fling but you’re still grieving. So probably not great for either you or a potential partner to pursue a new relationship directly right away.

      How about just looking for ways to expand your social circle generally? The best way to find a like-minded partner is in a network of like-minded people. Getting more non -romantic connections and support can take a little of the edge off the loneliness. And when you do come across someone you’re interested in, having a richer circle of support can help shield you from rushing into emotional intimacy/dependency before you really know the person well enough.

      Hope things work out well for you!

    2. Rage*

      Oh, I get you, friend. I’m in the same boat, frankly. Well, not all of it, but:
      1. I don’t do casual sex. FWB situations are not for me. End of story. I know my limits.
      2. I’ve been single for well over a decade, but my last 2 BFs just sort of “fell” into my lap. And pushing 50…it’s not easy. (I’ve started to say that I’m not single but actually feral LOL)
      3. I’m pretty happy as a single person, but – as you said – the lack of intimacy (and I don’t mean “sex”) can get very…I don’t know if lonely is the word, but yeah.
      4. I work full time, I am in grad school part time, and I have some volunteer things that I refuse to give up. So, yeah, not a lot of time for me, either.

      But earlier this year I just threw a bunch of my money at Zoosk, Match, and eHarmony and decided to let them do most of the work for me. There are professional match-making services (if you want to pay a couple grand) who can do the same, but with a more personalized touch. I think that the apps (which will often provide some much-needed comedic relief due to some of the truly bizarre people out there) are honestly the most time- and cost-effective options out there. Get a good profile, hold to your boundaries, and let them just do what they do.

      It’s not going to happen overnight. Or even in a week, and probably not within a month. But it works behind the scenes for you while you focus on other things.

      If you had a bit of extra time, I’d suggest a local singles group (we have one here that’s run by a professional matchmaker, she’s awesome). But if not, honestly, it’s gonna be the apps.

      And maybe even start doing some guided meditation specific to inviting love into your life. As a colleague of mine said, “If you don’t have your light shining, nobody else will see it.”

      And – mental health practitioner in training here – you’re still grieving, are you in therapy? If not, figure out a way to make that happen. Because nothing will bork a budding relationship faster than the other person feeling they are being compared to your late spouse. (And I am so very sorry for your loss. Please accept my virtual hugs and healing vibes sent your way.)

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      Get out and socialize, as in with groups and in person. The trend nowadays seems to be to see apps as the source of romantic partners. This is combined with frustration about how poorly they serve this purpose. Color me unsurprised. Join a group centered around an interest of yours and you are guaranteed to have at least one thing in common with the other members.

      1. Sloanicota*

        OP sounds like someone who would be well served looking to date within their church or a wider religious gatherings?

        1. HBJ*

          I agree. I don’t think online dating is a horrible idea, and I do know a couple people who’ve had long successful marriages from that, but I think getting to know someone through a shared interest group is a much better way if possible. Especially since religion is fairly important to OP, I think trying to meet someone through church would be good. Many churches have groups specifically for older people or even a griefshare group that might be helpful.

          1. Person from the Resume*

            Finding someone to date through a shared interest group is not easy.

            I haven’t had much success with online dating, and I haven’t been trying for several years now. I haven’t met anyone to date at in person activities even though I am quite active in them. At least online dating get me someone of the right gender and sexuality for me, available (I’m clear about looking for monogamy). Maybe I lack in person skills flirting skills but really I just don’t encounter many people in person activities that are potential dates.

            That said, I’m not religious and maybe church would work for the OP.

            1. allathian*

              Yeah, my MIL met her husband when they were in their early 60s at her church’s singles club. Both of them had been divorced and mostly single for about 20 years before that.

    4. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      My sister-in-law just got remarried in her mid-sixties. She met her husband when a friend invited her to attend a monthly social gathering at the friend’s neighborhood clubhouse. I agree that finding clubs or groups whose events you enjoy is the best way to meet someone, either directly or through your friend network.

    5. Generic+Name*

      Well, my first suggestion is to honor that you’re grieving, and of course you miss the intimacy of a long term partner. You unfortunately can’t skip past the meeting and then getting to know you parts of dating and relationships and go right to intimacy. Those things all take time. So my suggestion for now is to focus on yourself. Focus on your friendships. I highly highly recommend getting a dog. If it’s sex that you’re missing, there are battery powered solutions to that. :)

      After I got divorced, I did all the things for myself that I had neglected for years. I got back into exercising regularly, I went out with friends, I cooked my favorite foods that my ex didn’t like. At the time, my ex and I had 50/50 custody, and the weeks without my son were very quiet. But I had gotten a pair of kittens who were great company. I joke to my now husband that if I had gotten our dog before I met him I might not have started dating at all. :) She’s a great companion and the 3 pets together mean I’m never lonely.

    6. Incognito for this question*

      Thank you all! I appreciate your human warmth and many good suggestions. No surprises, which amuses my inner Highly Sensible Person (LOL). I’ll keep on keeping on. Will also check back later this weekend to see if anyone else has posted.

    7. JSPA*

      Maybe be intentional about making a couple of close(r) friends? Whether or not you find romance or sex, you’ll have human connection, and someone who puts a sparkle in your eye when they walk into the room. And that’s a healthier way to live (and to make dating / partnering choices) than “lonely but overwhelmed by the idea of dating.”

    8. Angstrom*

      When I was single something I enjoyed was structured social dance, such as ballroom dance lessons and contradancing. It got me out and interacting with a lot of friendly people in a safe environment. If you want, it can also be a safe venue to practice flirting — rotating partners is normal, so you can have a romantic affair for three minutes and move on with no hard feelings when the song ends. :-)

    9. marvin the paranoid android*

      I’m also in a place where I’m starting to seriously think about dating and finding it pretty overwhelming, so I have more solidarity than advice! One thing that clicked for me recently was realizing that what I secretly really want is to passively meet someone and have them do all the work, but that approach has never worked out well for me in the past. So I’m coming to terms with the fact that if this is really a priority for me, the main thing is to invest some time and energy in trying to meet people and accepting that some level of rejection, frustration, and wasted time is probably inevitable. Best of luck to you!

      1. Incognito for this question*

        >…the main thing is to invest some time and energy in trying to meet people and accepting that some level of rejection, frustration, and wasted time is probably inevitable.
        Yup. These are my other hesitations about dating, whether introductions occur online or in real life. Most single-but-looking people probably would agree. Best of luck to you, too!

    10. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I’m in a similar position, except for the sex outside of marriage thing. My wife died about 10 years ago, and I met someone and we were together about five. We broke up soon after the Jan 6 fiasco due to political differences.

      I’ve read the responses in this thread, and my problem is that
      1. I’m not involved with a religious entity (I gave up on religion after my wife died from a horrible disease)
      2. I’m socially awkward, so going out to social events pretty much ends up with me just hanging out alone and not being able to meet new people.

      1. Jessica*

        To address #2, you might look for social events that are a bit more structured. I’m a wallflower at a party, but a fun and capable mixer at a boardgames night (and while I have not found love that way, I have made a few good friends and a bunch of more casual friends). Think about whether there’s any interest of yours that would lend itself to more structured socializing.

  14. TheraputicSarcasm*

    Sending internet support Allison’s way while she’s dealing with whatever has happened. I don’t even know if I believe in vibes, but I’m imagining giving her my super-soothing neck-and-shoulder heating pad from afar.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh dear. I have totally missed this. TS, can you link a reference for us?

      Alison, warm thoughts of hope and good wishes for whatever is going on!

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you, I appreciate it. Short version so as not to be mysterious is that my mom’s prognosis got significantly worse (she has only months). I am grateful for the well wishes but I am also locking this thread because any reference to it right now is painful. Thank you though.

  15. Confused and stressed*

    This is very off topic for what usually gets posted here. I got divorced last December. We filed our paperwork on December 1st, 2021 and it became finalized on march 8th, 2022. In our divorce decree it stated in the maintenance section that I would continue paying for her car since it was in both our names and for car insurance. She got married this week on October 18th and in my state maintenance ends when the receiving spouse gets remarried. I tried to be nice and have the conversation with her. I wanted to do it in person with a voice recording but she refused so we did it through text.
    she said she refuses to believe she is now responsible for the car and its my responsibility. so today i filed a motion in court to have a judge look over our case based on this new information. I will also be scraping together some money to afford to put an attorney on retainer in case i need some extra oomph in court.
    for context: i have been working two full time jobs, 80 hours a week since April of this year to afford her car and the debt she left me with from the marriage. it took her less than 12 months to marry the guy she left me for. that I don’t care about, it just hurts that I’m buried so deep in debt with ruined credit and she doesn’t care to be even a little bit reasonable. do any of you have similar stories or words of advice?

    1. StellaBella*

      Definitely see a lawyer and file a motion to reduce or revise or eliminate the maintenance payments if she has remarried. In this time I assume the title of the car has been moved to solely her name? If not get that fixed. Also take into context the debt burden and talk to the lawyer about this and options to also reduce the debut burden if she is now remarried. Good luck.

      1. confused and stressed*

        the title of the car is still with the finance company because i am making payments. the car is in both of our names. at the time of our divorce she worked a commission only job which she got denied for a refinance. which is why i am suggesting it now using her new husbands income so they can refinance in their names and remove me from the loan.
        I consulted an attorney already who said i was in the right here, and will most likely go back to that same attorney to hire her.
        I filed the motion to terminate maintenance today. she was not thrilled. but it will sit in review for 21 days to give her time to file a response before a judge decides to approve, deny, or schedule a hearing.

        2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

          My first thought upon reading your post was “get started now!” so I was glad to see this update. Call me cynical, but if she got remarried that soon, there may be a limited window of time to clear this up before her status changes again (sorry, was that unkind?). Keep pressing forward with it. It sounds like it may be painful financially right now, but it will be worth it in the long term. Good luck!

        3. Generic+Name*

          It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps to get this fixed. Of course your ex isn’t happy, but come on.

    2. Anon Today*

      I had this exact situation (with a little more drama! I found out he was married when my child’s kindergarten teacher asked if she was having any adjustment issues to a new stepparent) where he expected me to keep paying the mortgage on MY house so he and his new wife could keep living there (I had agreed to this and moved in with my parents just to done with fighting about custody). So I get it.

      I researched the case law and first sent a registered letter with the citation and an indication I planned to rent out the house on X date. He of course responded angrily and got his lawyer to write a threatening letter. I wrote a motion and asked my lawyer to file it – apparently that was enough to get his lawyer to explain why he would lose and we ended up negotiating a move out date about 4 months later than I wanted, but sooner than the court case would have taken.

      In your case I think you have an issue with the car being in your name – you need to contact the lender if you have a car note and see what options you have to get off the loan. For insurance I would think you could just stop paying – but I would check w a lawyer and see what your liability is if she crashes YOUR car while uninsured.

      So sorry – I really have been there. 15 years out, I’ve rebuilt my life and my finances- I hope the same for you!!

      2. Sloanicota*

        It seems like if you’re still basically the owner of the car, and that she’s no longer owed your maintenance due to having a new spouse, perhaps you can sell the car (together?) if she won’t take on the cost. Of course, it doesn’t matter what I think, it’s what a lawyer says. Good luck OP.

    3. Generic+Name*

      Okay, here’s my advice borne out of experience from my divorce and the myriad of legal proceedings since.

      You can’t reason with unreasonable people.

      Follow court orders exactly as they are written, even if the other person isn’t.

      If you want to make a change to court orders, do so through the court (as you are doing).

      Lawyers are very very expensive. Do the math and a cost benefit analysis of how much a lawyer costs versus the savings of not making a car payment and insurance. Are there other issues at play like parenting time? I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers and other professionals over a period of 4 years, but it was worth it because the safety of my child was at stake. If you’re looking at a couple of hundred dollars a month for a couple of years, you can easily spend double or triple that on lawyers.

      How do you plan to pay for your lawyer? I’m paying for mine with a home equity line of credit. I know my ex is paying for his by taking money out of his 401k. Ask your lawyer their hourly rate and also ask what their retainer is. I pay my lawyer monthly, and some months when there are a lot of motions or a hearing, I’ve paid $7,000 in that one month. Yes, it’s utterly outrageous. I would really like to just opt out of all this, but I’m not the one filing most of the motions, and the way the court system is set up means I am legally compelled to respond to motions (even if they’re bullshit and have no legal basis).

      Another option is a lawyer acting in an advisory capacity rather than full representation. You do most of the legwork of writing and filing the motions, but the lawyer looks over your stuff and gives you legal advice.

      1. WellRed*

        It’s a car payment not a child so unlikely to require thousands of dollars. It may be that simply filing the paperwork does the trick.

    4. Confused and stressed*

      I just want to say thank you for everyone who has commented with advice and their own experiences. I appreciate all of you and it helps me feel not so alone. I will be mailing her the papers to serve her on monday and the lawyer that i will be hiring quoted me 2k to start. i owe 24k on the car plus the insurance payments so at least right now it seems like i will come out on top. in the coming months when everything is resolved i will work on an update to let everyone know how it went.

    5. E*

      just wanted to send solidarity. Sorry you had to go through this and are still dealing with her but it sounds like money well spent to get a difficult, selfish person out of your life. Hope you can start working less soon, sounds stressful. Onwards and upwards!

  16. Llama face!*

    I have been waiting all week to share this. It’s a silly thing but I think at least some of you will get a chuckle out of it like I did:

    I was browsing ebooks online and I came across a book where the title is the main character’s name. The titular character, who is supposed to be a hot alien dude, is named… Jo’Aquin!

    You have no idea how desperately I want there to be a second alien character in the book named Wa’Keen.

    P.S. (If this book was written by an AAM commenter I’m giving you props for the inside joke.)

    1. Llama face!*

      For anyone who doesn’t know this classic AAM reference, the post with that story is from 2013 and is titled, “What was your most cringe worthy career mistake”. Just search the comments for “Wakeen” and you’ll find it.

    4. Jackalope*

      I posted this in the gaming thread up top but I was looking through the D&D 5e Player’s Handbook and discovered a deity named Waukeen. I’ve been laughing to myself about that all week.

    6. Crystal with a c*

      Joaquin is a real name of Spanish orgin. Everytime I see “Wakeen” written here I cringe at how disrespectful and clueless it sounds. It’s not the funny joke everyone makes it out to be.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        It’s a reference to someone who did not know that “Joaquin” is pronounced “Wakeen” and thought they were two different people. That’s the joke. It’s mocking someone who didn’t already know what your first sentence says.

      2. Jackalope*

        The funny part was the OP getting confused because they didn’t know that Joaquin was pronounced “Wakeen” because of their cultural ignorance and they had an embarrassing moment when they learned the truth. It’s not making fun of the person named Joaquin, it’s the person who made the mistake laughing at themselves and inviting us to laugh with them at their original ignorance.

      3. Llama face!*

        Okay, I can see how the name and the “Wakeen” spelling used apart from the original context could just sound like people mocking a non-English ethnic name. I’m sorry I caused you offence.

    7. sascha*

      but Joaquin is a real name? Wakeen would maybe possibly be an AAM inside joke but why would just Joaquin be?

      1. thecharioteer*

        Yeah I didn’t really get this either. How is the name Joaquin (or Jo’Aquin) an AAM reference at all?

      2. Llama face!*

        The way I read it, the apostrophe between the Jo and Aquin shows it is being pronounced the same incorrect way that caused the confusion in the original AAM story I mentioned above (where the AAM commenter didn’t realize that Joaquin is not pronounced Jo-a-quin and thought the person they heard called Wakeen was someone else entirely). If the author didn’t add the apostrophe I would have assumed standard pronunciation and not even noticed it.

  17. Be the Change*

    Librarians of AAM, how does e-books collections work? I ask because I’m so disappointed that the Libby e-books available from a favorite author keep dwindling. There used to be about 15 books, including audio and text versions, and now there are only 5. Womp womp. I figure there is a good reason though.

    1. BunnyWatsonToo*

      Short answer is that libraries have to deal with publisher restrictions on ebooks. Many cost much more than if sold to an individual and can only circulate for a limited period or number of checkouts. If a library wants to retain one of those titles after that point, they have to buy it again.

    2. Forensic13*

      My husband actually works at the company that makes Libby and I’ve asked (complained) about this. (He refuses to sneak books in there just for me. Very rude, heh!)

      From what I understand, this is probably some kind of publisher nonsense. A lot of publishers still want to treat e-books like digital ones. So they might have copies that expire after a certain number of reads, or that have other random limitations. If that’s the case, your library may not want to spend money on them again.

      It also could be that your library is buying Libby books in collections and some of these books aren’t in those collections for some reason. You might be able to email your library and request things (I’m not sure if the request feature is back in Libby yet.)

      2. Be the Change*

        Oh my gosh, I’ve probably used the e-books to death myself! >_<

        I still read books 3000 times like I did as a kid. Maybe I reached the reader limit! Sorry, all other readers, I did not know!!!

        1. Librarian of SHIELD*

          I agree it’s probably just that the books have reached their use limit and the people who select ebooks for your library aren’t aware that they expired.

          But there’s an easy way to request a new copy! If you pull up your library’s Overdrive site through a web browser instead of using the Libby app and search for the author you want, you’ll get the list of all the books your library carries, and then if you scroll down to the bottom there’s an additional section that says “Didn’t find what you were looking for?” That will show titles that Overdrive has access to that your library doesn’t have in its collection right now. Find the ones you want and click “recommend.” This sends a message to the person who’s in charge of purchasing the ebooks for your library, and it puts you at the top of the holds list. So when staff sees it, if they decide to re-order it, you’ll get a notification to check it out right away.

      3. djc*

        Before Libby, I used Overdrive. It’s been a while since I’ve checked, but I think that app had a request feature.

        1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          It does. Unfortunately, early next year, my local library is dropping Overdrive in favor of Libby. I’ve tried Libby, I hate it. Heck, my daughter who works for the library hates it, and says most of the library staff she knows (multiple branches) hate it.

    3. Double A*

      I love ebooks because it is almost an hour drive round trip to my library since I live in a kind of rural area. They’re very popular in my area for that reason. But I know they probably are draining my library’s resources. Publisher shenanigans make me sad.

    4. Squeebird*

      Publisher shenanigans as mentioned, and also most of the titles we purchase are licenses that “expire” after a certain period of time so stuff disappears quite often unless we buy it again.

      If the request feature isn’t in Libby yet, contact your library directly to request titles you’re interested in; most libraries will have a way for you to do that. At our library at least, we take suggestions for ebooks as well as print materials. If we know our license expired on something and someone really wants it, we will do our best to buy it again!

    5. TLC*

      Check with your local library to see if they have a Libby alternative. Our library uses CloudLibrary, which has some limitations (won’t work with Kindle eReaders) but also has more availability and shorter hold waits.

  18. lam*

    What’s your favorite one pot/pan fall/winter recipe?

    As the temps cool down I’m looking to switch from salads and sandwiches to something hardier. Bonus points if it is easy to eat on the go and high in protein.

    My go-to is a pound of (spicy) sausage, half a box of (elbow) noodles, and 2 regular cans of cream of tomato soup. Brown the sausage. Season with your heart. Add the cans of tomato soup with 2 cans water/milk (usually do one can each). Season again. Add noodles. Cook til noodles are done (or very much al dented if meal prep). Top with Italian blend Kraft cheese.

    I also made today a bunch of pancake mix, poured into a pan, topped with cooked sausage and bacon bits. Baked til brown and toasty and served with syrup. That was also delish.

    1. Large and in charge*

      Sweet potato peanut stew. So delicious, so nutritious. Diced onions and garlic in olive oil -> diced bell pepper and sweet potato or 2 -> 1 28-oz can diced tomatoes + 4c veg broth whisked with 1/3c peanut butter + 2 tsp chili powder. Salt and pepper to taste. Simmer for 20 minutes. Stir in a bag of spinach and a can of chickpeas at the very end.

    2. Rosyglasses*

      Ooh I am intrigued by the baked pancake! How long and at what temp? I need this tomorrow!!

      Your first dish sounds like what my mom often made growing up – so yum!

    3. UKDancer*

      I make a beef Bourguignon that is very pleasing. Sometimes I make it with venison if the butcher has it in. I begin by frying onion and mushroom in the roasting tin and then set them aside. Fry some bacon cubes / lardons / pancetta in the tin. Then dip cubed stewing steak or venison in flour and add to the tin. I add root vegetables, sometimes potatoes if I’m feeling lazy, about a third of a bottle of wine, a good amount of stock, garlic and bouquet garni. I cook it for about 90 minutes at about 180 degrees (less time if it’s venison). Then I add in the onion and mushroom and see if the sauce needs to be thicker. I then stir it up and taste and add more of anything needed.

      I cook for another 20-30 minutes and then serve either with bread or rice and a green salad. If I’ve included potatoes, then I just serve on its own. It’s really good.

    4. Still*

      I always recommend Roberto The Soup. Google “The Many Lives of Roberto, a Soup” in The New Yorker.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Turkey chili. We have a recipe that goes in a slow cooker but could also be done in a pot on the stove or in the oven on low. Don’t use 99% lean turkey – anything else will do. Brown the turkey first and cook the aromatics. Add whatever chili spices you like – we include some chipotles in adobo. Put in cooker with a couple of slices of white bread (for thickening), beans, and broth – we use just over a cup of broth for 2 lbs of turkey. For extra fun, stir in a couple of tablespoons of tequila and squeeze fresh lime juice over it when it’s done. So good.

    6. Cookie*

      Kabocha squash congee. I have an onion and garlic intolerance, so it’s hard to find soup that agrees with me and also hard to replicate former favorite soups without those ingredients.

      I cook rice (I use jasmine) in about 3-4 times the amount of chicken stock that I’d normally use for rice, along with big hunks of kabocha squash. I’m cooking for one, so this amounts to perhaps a quart of stock, a couple cups of rice, and the smallest kabocha I can find at the store. It’s reasonably easy to peel with a sharp cleaver, just lay it down and slice the peel off it. Add salt to taste.

      For serving I usually add sliced chives or scallion tops, toasted sesame oil, and either a couple of easy-over eggs or some other protein (marinated & sauteed tofu, lightly fried white fish, tiny chicken meatballs).

      When my Chinese friend makes congee it involves pork neck bones, fish balls to serve, and a lot of other ingredients I can’t eat, but I’m happy with my gut-friendly adaptation.

    7. the cat's ass*

      Lemon chicken arugula risotto! Saute the chicken and shallots in a Dutch Oven, throw in arborio rice and grated lemon with juice and chicken broth to cover and fling it in the oven at 350 for 45 mins. Take out and throw in a bag or spinach or arugula with a knob of better and a fistful of parm cheese. So easy and yummy.

        1. the cat's ass*

          the EXACT recipe is on Blogspot Under Sebia Cooks and can sometimes be found on SF gate where it appeared a decade ago. Enjoy!

      2. Alyn*

        Oooh interesting! I do a sausage risotto (1 lb ground sausage) instead of chicken, but I’ve always done it on the stove top and hadn’t really considered using the oven. That would make it a much easier meal! Thank you!

    8. Bubblewrap*

      Loaded Potato Soup

      I don’t have my personal recipe handy, but basically it’s potatoes, bacon, onions, broth, milk, butter, sour cream, and cheddar cheese. Do it in a crockpot. I think I use more potatoes, bacon and cheese than online recipes recommend. End up getting a couple nights’ dinner out of it and is very filling.

      1. Alyn*

        I do a version of this on the stove, but to make it low effort, I use 1 can of whole potatoes, frozen diced onion, a can of evaporated milk, shredded cheese, and bacon crumbles. Empty the can of potatoes into the pot, add an extra half can of water. Smash up the potatoes so you have chunks the size you prefer. Add the onion & bacon crumbles. Simmer for a few minutes (it’s forgiving if you get distracted, just add more water). Add the evaporated milk, bring back up to simmer. Add the shredded cheese, stir until melted in. Remove from heat, pour into bowl, enjoy.

        Spice wise, I’ll add whatever is on hand; celery flakes, parsley, black pepper, garlic, etc.

      2. Cj*

        There is a recipe for hash brown casserole on amandascookin.com that has very similar ingredients. I suppose it’s actually more of a side dish than a meal, but I’ve been known to eat it all by itself.

        It doesn’t have bacon in it, but it has cream of chicken soup, so it does contain some protein.

        1. UKDancer*

          This is the recipe I use and it works really well. I would definitely recommend and it makes great leftovers.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      HelloFresh has a recipe called “One Pan Toscana Couscous Skillet” that I love for fall. It’s couscous, kale, and Italian sausage. Probably one of their best recipes I’ve had in terms of effort vs outcome (you can find it online, don’t have to subscribe to get it)

    11. Girasol*

      Beef stew with root veggies and wine. Or else a fry-up of bulk breakfast sausage with onions and apples (which is also great stuffed into a baked acorn squash but then it’s not technically one-pot anymore.)

    12. Anono-me*

      Favorite can of chili,
      Jiff corn muffin mix (& listed ingredients)
      Shredded cheese.

      Mix corn muffins as directed on box. Turn on oven as directed on box

      Spray oven safe 9×9 pan with oil.
      Spread chili over bottom of pan.
      Sprinkle with cheese.
      Spread corn mix over the chili.

      Bake as directed for corn mix.

      1. VegetarianRaccoon*

        I’ve always kind of low-key wished I could make something like that, but had no idea it could be that simple, thank you!

        1. Anono-me*

          This is a Trader Joe’s Recipe.

          I love it because it seems like a sturdy stick to your ribs time consuming to make meal, but actually the prep time is less than 5 minutes.

    13. There's a leek under the sink*

      My favorite is leek and spring greens gratin. The recipe is from epicurious–you’ll find it if you google (don’t want to get caught in moderation). It’s easy and sooooooooooo good. It calls for arugula and spinach but you can really use any greens you have or enjoy–kale, chard, etc.–to make it any season. Make sure to use lemon zest and not juice though (made that mistake and it wasn’t as good).

    14. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Chili. Can be either a red or a verde. It’s about an hour start to finish, and most of that is letting it simmer.

    15. Book The Wink*

      I love the Budget Bytes smoked sausage sheet pan meal.

      Basically chop and toss the following in some steak seasoning mix and olive oil and bake on 400F for 40 min, stirring twice:

      1 medium yellow onion
      1 smoked sausage
      1lb frozen or fresh trimmed green beans
      1lb potatoes sliced small, or tiny new potatoes

      I make a honey mustard vinegarette for topping. Super easy and fast. If you want extra fiber, roast off some cabbage with it.

    16. o_gal*

      Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

      Cut either 1 really large or 2 small spaghetti squash in half, scoop out and discard the seeds. In a large baking dish, place the squash cut side down and roast at 400 degrees F for about 40 to 50 minutes until they are done – a sharp knife should go through the flesh easily. Use a fork and scoop out the insides into strands so you have shells left.

      Dice 1 small onion and saute until soft and translucent. Then add 6 to 8 oz of baby spinach and 1 tablespoon of water, cover, and let the spinach wilt. Mix in 4 oz of cream cheese and 8 oz of chopped artichoke hearts, stirring until the cheese melts. Add 1 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper. Then stir in the squash strands. Scoop them back into the shells, top each with grated Parmesan or Romano cheese, as much as you like (we like a lot.) Turn oven up to broil, then broil the shells until the cheese on top is melty and/or browned.

      Made these last night and they are so good. Very filling too.

  19. Jessen*

    Is there any way to sort of replicate the benefits of a meal delivery service without actually getting a meal delivery service? I admit I absolutely love the idea and it would do wonders for my stress levels. But I have a lot of dietary issues and I haven’t seen any that really work with those outside of the top 10 or so. Especially not that are actually in my area. I’m trying to figure out how to make food prep not such an incredible amount of time and energy (especially planning time, that’s actually worse than fixing the food) while also dealing with food restrictions.

    1. English Rose*

      How about doing one big cook and saving individual freezer portions for defrosting. I admit I’ve never been organised enough to do this but it would mean the ingredients were under your control.

      1. Jessen*

        See whenever I’ve done that I always end up wasting a lot of food. Usually by the time I’m halfway to 2/3 of the way through trying to do one big cook, I’m far too exhausted to actually finish the job. The planning and organization that goes into making sure you have the time and energy and setup to cook a bunch of food and freeze it and have it ready and don’t run out of energy halfway through the process just seems to be more than I can handle. At this point I almost feel like just trying to eat is practically a full time job that I’m somehow expected to handle on top of already working a full time job.

        1. Cookie*

          I live alone and on weekends I usually cook enough for 2-3 people and freeze what’s left. I’m not trying to cook a month’s worth of food, just one entree (usually not the whole meal). It goes right into the freezer. Some weekdays I have the energy to cook, but if not, there’s food in the freezer that I don’t have to think about. If I grill some chicken, I make enough for two dinners. If I roast a whole chicken, I break it down and freeze some of the meat to add to a rice bowl or pasta (I cook enough pasta for 2 meals and freeze half). Etc.

          I’ve also been known to live on beans, rice, and salsa. When I open the beans I just freeze 2/3 of the can (in two separate freezer containers), and I also freeze rice in dinner-for-one portions. If I haven’t got anything for dinner, I can microwave those two components, add some salsa and maybe some shredded cheese, and I have dinner.

      2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        I do this all the time!
        Some dishes like Chili and Irish Stew work mu h better in large pots. I bought a 20 Liter (5+ gallons) pot just for that. Maki g 4 gallons of Chili or stew does not take much mor work than a single portion. I eat two and freeze the rest. Works best when thawed overnight in the fridge. Then dinner takes just 3 or 4 minutes in the microwave.
        I know exactly what’s in there, make it as spicy as I like it, snd there are no preservatives or artificial flavorings in my meal. And it saves quite a bit of money as well.

      3. MacGillicuddy*

        Instead of one big cooking session for many meals, start smaller, with one recipe that can be made in bulk, like chili. Cook a big batch, eat some for a meal, then divide the leftovers and freeze. It takes a while to build up your supply this way.
        Most one-pot stew-like dishes can work with this method.
        Meanwhile, rethink your definition of supper. Soup and sandwiches are supper. Chicken tenders, if you put in a bag and pound flat, cook very fast. Serve with frozen vegetables and a nuked potato. Scrambled eggs and toast. Pizza with a prefab crust and add your own toppings.

    2. Ranon*

      Private chef? Some will basically do a meal prep style service, and obviously more customizable around dietary needs.

      There are also meal planning services out there in the world but not sure of their usefulness with dietary restrictions. Some of the meal planning apps might help? I tried mealime for a bit and it seemed promising

    3. Gyne*

      Not sure if this is exactly what you are looking for but I have used the CookSmarts and the Forks Over Knives meal planning services. They have a weekly menu with recipes, prep instructions, and grocery lists, and you buy your own foods. CookSmarts can be modified for different diets, but FoK is exclusively plant-based.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      Have you looking into meal plan services? It takes away the guesswork and planning, makes it easier to make substitutions of you need them, and is cheaper since you are doing the shopping.

      I started with cooksmarts (I think someone here recommended it) and thought it was a great starting point. You can swap out meals, change serving sizes, and each meal has different versions too (vegetarian gluten free or paleo). They have lots of videos as well about cooking and food prep.

      I’ve also done sweetpeasmeals but I don’t know if they are still around. But there’s different services out there you can try.

    5. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      For meal planning, I have found that a good place to start is repetition. It is okay to have the same meals on the same days week after week. That means your grocery list and meal prep becomes routine. I realize it might be difficult initially to come up with a week’s worth of meals that meet your dietary restrictions but after that, the “boredom” of the same weekly menu is outweighed by the ease of shopping and prep. After a while (a few weeks? Months? YMMV), adding a new recipe to the mix is easier because you are only changing one thing, rather than the whole menu.

    6. Emma*

      At the beginning of covid, I got in the habit of planning for 2 weeks of meals at a time instead of 1. I also do grocery pickup. I meal plan in a Google document, and then have a separate one, where I copy and paste that week’s meal plans, so then I have a huge list of the previous weeks’ plans for future inspiration.

      I’ve thought about making a grocery list for the 2 weeks of meal plans and saving that too (and just copying and pasting and deleting ingredients I don’t need that week), but that’s beyond what I want to do.

      The meal planning and pickup does still take time, but it’s less than when I was going every week.

    7. Redhaired runner*

      It might just come down to repetition. I meal prep for the week and honestly it only takes me 5-10 minutes to plan the meals while I assemble my grocery list. I usually just think about what I already have and what flavors I want that week. Then I cook everything all at once on Sunday. I do keep a list of recipes I like the looks of on my phone as inspiration.

      1. Jessen*

        Honestly a lot of the planning part for me isn’t just planning what the meals are. It’s planning to have time to prepare food and fix ingredients and planning ahead so you still have time and energy when things are ready to pack and freeze food and planning so there’s a time when the dishes can still get done while they’re not too bad – all that sort of thing. And it’s just Too Much to keep doing constantly.

        1. Julia*

          I have limited energy for meal preparation and shopping & cleaning, especially since the start of the pandemic. What’s worked best for me is having two quick standby meals and limiting the equipment needed to cook & prepare.

          I have to be diligent about avoiding many ingredients for medical reasons so I can’t buy pre-cooked meals.

          My reliable meals are; chicken + pre-cut vegies + baby spinach + rice noodles, with soy sauce & ginger, or rice with same vegies + fish (usually tinned mackerel).

          If I can’t manage these I make toasted sandwiches.

          Good luck with finding something that works for you – I hope some ideas from today will suit you.

          1. Julia*

            Sorry! Forgot to include in meal description that I buy microwave rice & very often use rotisserie chicken, and
            I mostly cook in a wok.

          2. Jessen*

            That actually sounds really helpful, honestly! A lot of my problem has been that I know many people find making a big batch ahead of time easy and simpler. I have not found it to be so for me – the extra work of packaging and labelling food and making sure it’s thawed out later means it’s very common for it to just end up getting thrown out. If a recipe takes too long (even if that’s not hands on time) there’s a risk that at the end of it I can be exhausted enough that just managing to eat is extremely difficult, let alone dealing with the rest. And it can be hard to know how to explain these things to people who don’t deal with them.

            I think things that I can eat that don’t require much prep time do help. Frozen stuff is ok but I’ve found shelf-stable is usually better.

        2. Person from the Resume*

          Yes. If you want to prepare meals for for yourself you got to plan time for the food prep. I recommend the weekends and eat the leftovers during the work.

          Being single and having to do all the household cooking and chores means a single person has double the chores a couple can split.

          The other option is buy prepared food from restaurants or personal chefs or meal device. There’s local meal services where I live. Those local private company/small business may be able to accommodate your dietary restrictions.

        3. Esmeralda*

          Every time you cook dinner or make lunch, make extra. Like, even just enough for one more meal. As soon as you finish cooking and BEFORE you sit down to eat, divide everything in half or thirds or quarters, depending on how much more you made, stick it in tupperwares, stick in the fridge. Eat your meal, then label all those fridge containers, then stick them in the freezer. Because if you put off portioning and freezing til after you eat, you are going to be tired and you will just stand in front of the stove mindlessly slurping up the extras…ok, maybe that’s just me, but you want to be able to enjoy dinner and not have to mess with that chore after you’ve eaten and want to relax.

          Don’t make giant batches of anything if it’s tiring to do so. Don’t plan to spend a couple of hours on sunday cooking for the week if the thought of it makes you want to give up. I love to cook, but I have BTDT. It doesn’t take any more time to cook four chicken thighs than to cook one or two, 8 oz of pasta cooks in the same amount of time as 2 oz of pasta, etc.

          I also use things like: canned clam sauce for pasta (cook pasta, drain, dump in clam sauce, toss), frozen tortellini (throw in boiling water for about 7 minutes, don’t even thaw them, toss with jarred pasta sauce), rotisserie chicken, etc. It is ok to eat breakfast for dinner — bowl of cereal with some fruit, scrambled eggs and toast. It is ok to eat leftovers for lunch. Cold pizza is always acceptable for breakfast or lunch…

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I have had good luck with making those freezer “dump” crockpot recipes. You basically place all the raw ingredients in a large ziploc bag and freeze it. Then the night before you want to cook it, take it out of the freezer and put in the fridge. In the morning, plop into the crockpot and cook all day. It’s magically ready and delicious by dinner time. If you want to get fancy you can sprinkle some fresh herbs on top, but it’s not necessary. I have also frozen small portions of the leftovers.
      You do have to root through the recipes online to get ones to fit your dietary requirements, but they are there! Soup is also super easy to make and then freeze in small containers
      Also, I have found it helpful to realize that dinner doesn’t HAVE to be “dinner,” if you know what I mean. It can be a bowl of oatmeal or cereal or a couple of eggs scrambled with spinach and cheese or a sandwich. Just get some reasonably nutritious food into your body with a minimal output of energy.
      Good luck!

      1. IT Manager*

        Thanks for this tip from a lazy person who spends way too much on take out .., googling this now!

    9. Person from the Resume*

      Repetition – I probably have about 10ish favorite easy meals that make regularly.

      Crockpot – it’s easy to double the recipe and I save 1 container to eat throughout the week 4-5 meals and have 2-4 containers I freeze to pull out in a few weeks or a month.

      Easy cooking with cans – lots of my crockpot recipes call for diced tomatoes and beans that I get out of the can.

      It’s best to plan to shop and cook a meal over the weekend. It takes time, but if you put in the time it’s worth it to have meals throughout the week.

    10. MJ*

      If you have a decent sized freezer, lots of stuff can be frozen if it’s going to be used for cooking. You can prep individual elements and freeze in small portions that can then be pulled out when you’re ready to cook.

      So you can, for example, chop/purée a whole bag of onions and freeze in 1/2 or 1 cup portions. Or if you are chopping an onion for a dish, do a second one at the same time to freeze for later use.

      We freeze: grated cheese (multiple types), chopped chilli peppers, 1/2 cup portions of sour cream / creme fresh / yoghurt, sliced fruit, chopped herbs / garlic / ginger, sliced bread, and more that I can’t remember.

      Sometimes we’ll do a shop then come home and chop/shred/purée everything. And get take away for dinner that night since we are too exhausted to cook!

      Many of the meal services let you see their recipes online without joining. Find some that fit with your dietary requirements, test them and print out copies of the ones you love. When you can, prep and freeze the individual ingredients, then when you don’t have the spoons for planning, simply grab a recipe and the frozen ingredients and throw it together.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I agree about chopping more than you need and freezing onions and bell peppers. They often go in my meals and it’s so fast to open cans and pull onion and bell peppers out from the freezer and cook. You’re not eliminating prep time in this case but you’re moving it to another time.

        But I’m totally into buying pre-cut butternut squash. It comes in chunks larger than I prefer but it’s so much easier to cut those chunks into 4 smaller pieces than cutting up a whole butternut squash. And salad kits too!

    11. Rosyglasses*

      For me I’ve been in that exact space (minus a lot of dietary needs). What has worked for me is to buy faster items to prep. For example, if the meals I want to prep that week include chicken, instead of raw chicken, I will buy grilled chicken breast from the deli or Trader Joe’s.

      I will also buy the pre chopped veg or the Costco individually packed frozen broccoli that takes 6 min to heat, or precooked rice that takes a few minutes. Eventually I will morph back into spending less and using less packaging; but it is what helps me eat more healthfully and prep takes 15 min or less.

      I get used to meat, carb/starch, veg on my plate and the variety is just in what types I prep and put together. And then it gets you in the routine of making your own food and takes the stress out of deciding and prepping and “I should do this or that” and then I notice I have more inclination to try a longer meal or more time for cooking one or two days.

      1. Cookie*

        This is such a good idea. I described making and freezing my own meal components, but if someone’s not into that, buying it already prepped is genius!

    12. TeaFiend*

      I’ve tried some of the suggestions mentioned and found that what works for me is prepping just one day ahead, and do a double prep on weekends. So for example:
      Sunday: cook big batch of curry and a soup. Eat a serve of curry, freeze a serve of curry, soup goes into the fridge for tomorrow.
      Monday: eat the soup, prep a salad for tomorrow.
      Tuesday: eat the salad, prep a pasta for tomorrow.

      This makes it so I never have to worry about what I’m going to eat *that day*, I just get home and heat it up. And then I have the energy to do the food prep for the following day.
      Additional advantages:
      – I have much less food waste
      – I have much more food variety (I dislike food repetition. If you don’t mind it, this system may work even better)
      – If I make more than expected, I can freeze the excess
      – If something happens and I can’t do the meal prep for the next day, I always have food in the freezer

      1. Brrrrr*

        This is an amazing idea! So much of my frustration about weekday suppers happens because I’m just getting home from work about 5:30, later if I run errands, and I’m hungry NOW, and I want to eat NOW, not in an hour when supper will be ready. That’s how my poor food decisions happen (chips for supper anyone?).

        I have the time to make supper, it’s just not at the right time! So I love your idea and will be trying it out a few days a week (I always make extra, love leftovers, and don’t mind repetition). Plus I like the idea of looking forward to a tasty ready-to-eat meal waiting for me at home.

    13. Meal planning ideas*

      When I meal prep, I try to do about 2-3 days worth of meals.

      Here’s an example prep evening for me making two portions of soup and four bases for dinner – main ingredient a pound of minced beef.

      I put two pots going on slow heat, a big one (3-5 litres) and a smaller one (1.5-2 liters).
      Some butter and olive oil in each pan.

      While the fat slowly heat, I chop two-three onions, slightly smaller for the big pot, rougher bits for the smaller pot, a bigger part in the bigger pot. I put the onions in each pot and let them saute on low heat.

      I put my minced beef in the bigger pot (wash my hands), and use a spatula to stir/hack occasionally to separate the meat.

      The smaller pot will be for soup, and I chop and add whatever vegetables I have that can make a soup. Maybe some carrots and celery first (which keep very well), maybe I have leek, or broccoli, or cauliflower, or mushroooms that needs to be used up, or some spinach or peas in the freezer. Some of these work well with potato to bulk up, some can have red lentils (carrot, ginger and red lentil), and some can have a tin of white beans or chick peas, whatever’s in the pantry. I add at least two things, some spice and a stock cube and about a litre of water. Lid on, slow boil, around 30 minutes after adding something like potato or lentils.

      While the soup is doing it’s thing, I keep on separating and slowly cooking the beef. At some point I will take half and put in a third pot/pan (or to cool for the fridge – if so, I want the beef fully cooked), so that I can have a least two different flavors.

      The beef can be the basis of Bolognese (tin of tomato, some milk), chili (tin of tomato, tin of beans), Korean bbq, moussaka, cottage pie, sloppy joes – you can take the same start and make very different flavors, depending on your pantry items and spice collection. If you want some of them to be baked, put the oven on at the start, or do that one a different day and just make the basic sauce the first day. Bulk out the meat with lentils or beans if you want more protein.

      After the soup is cooked, taste for seasoning, add cream or coconut milk if that’s something you like, set to cool while you do some washing up and keep the meat sauce going. Blend it with an immersion blender if you want a smooth one. Put in fridge in portions.

      If you choose something like Bolognese or chili for the meat you can keep the sauce on a low heat for hours if you need a break, it’ll only get better. Season. When it’s done, cool quickly, then in the fridge in portions.

  20. Tiger Claw*

    I live with a roommate who has a pet cat, Mabel. She’s a six year old cat who has always been slender. My roomie gives her strictly dry food. Mabel does not scarf down all her food at once; instead she grazes through the day. She’ll take a few bites and then wander off for a few hours, then come take a few more bites before leaving again. We give her plenty of treats through the day so she’s not going hungry, she just doesn’t eat a lot.

    Lately my roomie keeps saying she’s worried that Mabel is underweight. Again, she’s always been slender but we’ve really been noticing her hip bones through her fur recently. She’s got her annual vet appointment in two weeks and my roommate will ask the vet then, but it’s been non-stop her worrying about the cat. I get it; I’m a little concerned too. But it’s frustrating because I don’t understand why she won’t give Mabel wet food. She has cans of wet food that she saves for the days she has to wrestle with Mabel to apply her monthly flea prevention and clip her claws, as an apology. When Mabel is presented with wet food, she doesn’t wander off like she does with the dry, but will stay and eat the whole thing.

    To me, if she was really worried about Mabel’s weight, she’d start giving her wet food more regularly because the cat clearly prefers it. But when I’ve suggested this, she says that dry food is better for dental health. I agree with this but, with my family dogs, we always mixed the two so they got the dental benefit of dry and the tastiness of wet. But she doesn’t like that suggestion, she just keeps worrying and complaining without trying something new (this is a common trait in my roomie but it’s especially frustrating when this seems like an easy fix).

    So my question is two-fold. 1) what do you do when you’re a cat is underweight, other than trying different food options which my roomie won’t do, and 2) any suggestions for dealing with a roomie who just wants to complain, not actually find a solution?

    1. Rowena*

      1. I would a) get the cat to the vet ASAP and not wait weeks, and b) try all food options to encourage the cat to eat. However, your roommate won’t do that. So there probably isn’t a good answer to this.

      2. “Mmmmhmm, you’ve said.” *walk away* “You should do something about that. Anyway, what about… (insert change of topic here).”. “What are you going to do about that? *listen* OK good, you’ve got a plan/well, seems like you need to make a plan.” *disengage* Or go full grey rock approach.

    2. English Rose*

      Weight loss at this sort of age can be a sign of hyper-thyroidism, which the vet would check for at the check-up. Your roomie needs to keep an eye on how much water Mabel is drinking because thirst can be another indicator.
      Using wet food seems like a no-brainer to me too, sigh. But in absence of that, would Mabel enjoy a different brand of dry food?
      I wonder though, if you both stopped giving Mabel treats throughout the day, maybe she would eat her proper food with more enthusiasm.
      As to suggestions for your roomie just wanting to complain… perhaps some kind of script along the lines of “I understand you’re concerned, the vet’s appointment is coming up soon. What do you suggest you do differently in the meantime?”
      Mabel is a fabulous name for a cat, by the way.

    3. Llama Llama*

      If you want to be agressive ‘Her dental health won’t matter if she doesn’t eat enough food to survive.’

      2. Slightly Above Average Bear*

        Mabel may already be having dental problems.
        I agree that she should be taken to the vet now, rather than in 2 weeks. A cat’s health can deteriorate rapidly once weight loss becomes noticeable.

    4. mreasy*

      Wet food is so much better for cats! For dental health, dental chewy or dry treats will help. I don’t know if there is much you can do, unless maybe sending an article from a good source online about why wet food is better for their kidney and thyroid health, among other things?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I remember a previous thread someone was waxing lyrical about some kind of Virbank enzymatic chews. Maybe those might be worthwhile?

    5. Texan In Exile*

      Turns out that dry food is a factor in cats developing kidney disease. Ask me how I know.

      I don’t know if that’s enough to convince your roommate, but our 14 year old cat almost died from kidney disease. She went into this awful crisis where she vomited violently and horribly for a few days, stopped eating, lost about 25% of her weight, and became completely lethargic. I fed her pureed food and water with a syringe for five days until we could get her to the vet.

      A few days later, the vet diagnosed her with kidney disease. We had to give her subcutaneous fluids daily and medication that she did not like.

      We didn’t know if she was going to survive. And we thought we might have to give her the fluids for the rest of her life, which meant we might never be able to leave town because who can you ask to take care of your cat like that?

      Fortunately, she has recovered and is her loud eating and drinking (no subcutaneous fluids necessary) self again. She is on an (expensive) prescription wet diet, but I wish we had known about the dry food/kidney disease relationship ten years ago.

      Also – we had not been taking our cats to the vet during covid. Our vet had retired and we didn’t like the chain that bought his practice.

      But guess what? Senior cats have special needs! And you need get that senior cat panel because the bloodwork and urine analysis and fecal analysis might reveal kidney problems well before a crisis. Kidney disease cannot be cured but it can be managed. The sooner it is caught, the better.

    6. Qwerty*

      Roomie needs to hear the diet advice from the vet. If she can’t move up her appointment, then she can call them and tell them her concerns so they can give advice. You aren’t going to win the wet food battle but they can explain it to her or recommend higher calorie dry food.

      Cut down the number of treats. Right now Mabel doesn’t see a need to eat her food. She’d rather eat treats. Or mix the treats in with her dry food so that she’ll eat a bit more of it to get to them.

    7. Cookie*

      I agree with the advice to get Mabel to the vet ASAP. Also, wet food is lower in calories by volume than dry food, for what it’s worth.

      My cat hates wet food. He lost weight on it, because he wouldn’t eat it. I tried many different kinds, and he would either ignore it, or enthusiastically eat it for one meal, then refuse it, and many varieties gave him diarrhea. He will only eat dry food consistently. He also hates home-cooked food. My vet gave prescription kibble the okay as long as he’s drinking water, and he does…immediately after eating, he drinks as much as he needs, and then at random times. I know he’s at increased risk of kidney disease, but he was at risk of starving previously.

      That said, he vomits more often than other cats I’ve had; he has tests scheduled to make sure his organs are okay. It’s a journey with this one. I’m monitoring closely and working with the vet. Which I would recommend for anyone whose cat has a mysterious health problem!

      1. Cookie*

        Meant to add: I adopted this cat from a shelter at 7 years old. The previous owner established this dry food preference and it is tough to change a cat at this age. I tried.

      2. Claire*

        I have a cat who is the same way – he refuses any wet food, from the cheapest crap to the most expensive fancy custom stuff, and will only eat dry food. Every few months I get a notion to try him with something new but he just sniffs it, looks at me with disgust, and then ignores it. Every time. He had one episode of bad gastro health stuff a few years back and wound up on IV fluids in the vet clinic for a few days, so he’s been on single-protein dry food for sensitive stomachs at the vet’s recommendation ever since. We discussed the issue of trying to get him onto wet food and they attempted it while he was in the clinic, but it wasn’t successful, so in the end the vet said that consistently eating the dry food with plenty of water intake was the best option He does eat the yoghurt-style treats and drinks plenty of water, and I monitor that carefully, but so far he hasn’t had any further health issues from it.

    8. KatEnigma*

      Have you considered that wet food is more expensive than dry and your roommate can’t comfortably afford it as a twice a day thing, but doesn’t want to admit that?

      The reason dry food only is associated with kidney disease is because cats seldom drink enough water, and need the little fluids they get from wet food. A pet fountain instead of a water dish will sometimes coax a cat into drinking more.

      As with anything, the next time she wants to talk about it, sit her down and say that you’ve given her the only solution you can think of, so you’re done talking about the situation until she either tries your plan or the vet gives her a good reason not to. Then refuse to engage further about it.

      1. Cookie*

        My friend’s cat will only drink from the pet fountain, and he is getting enough water that way. Also he hates wet food and lives on dry…he’s like 14 years old now, so far healthy.

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      My cat has always been small and slim (7 pounds). She’s now about 14 and at her last vet appointment she had lost half a pound!! She did not have a thyroid issue, but the vet said that canned cat food is now recommended for all cats. We had only been feeding her dry. So we immediately switched to canned and she has gained back her weight and is doing really well. She is still a grazer, so we feed her a bit several times per day.

    10. Gnome*

      Try adding a bit of water to a small amount of the cat food. It often makes it smell better to the cat. See if that changes the appetite. For Reasons, our cat is on mostly dry food, but sometimes stops eating as much (of his prescription food) because he wants the other cat’s food… The water helps.

      It doesn’t sound like hyperthyroidism to me, when my cats have gotten that, typically closer to age 10-15, they are ravenous and still dropping weight.

      Perhaps they can call the vet and ask if they should move the appointment up?

      Also, my cats never eat as much when they are getting a hairball. If you are in a place with seasons, the cat is probably shedding more now. Try brushing more and hairball treats

      1. Unum Hoc Scio*

        My pet store cat (yes, I know) is part Himalayan and they are prone to urinary crystals. This has a horrible symptom of blood in his pee. Feeding him wet food from smaller cans (which are rinsed out wit 1/4-1/3 of the can of water into his food) has helped a lot. And, yes, he is a grazer.
        Whether it is urinary crystals or something to do with his/her kidneys, the extra water helps.
        Be sneaky. Try to get the veterinarian visit closer. Snuggle the cat and spoil him/her. Whatever you do is better than ignoring the problem

        1. Gnome*

          That’s why my cat is on prescription food. But there are issues with the wet version. That’s why I sometimes add water to the dry. He also seems to like it better that way.

    11. Morning reader*

      Not a solution for your current problem, but I recommend regularly weighing your cat. That way you can catch sudden weight loss or gain. Can often be the first noticeable sign of trouble.
      As for the roommate, perhaps this would violate your friendship, but personally, I’d just feed the cat wet food myself. You live with her, right? If she was not feeding a child properly, I think it would be ok to sneak the kid some food. Same applies here. (Assuming you know enough about the kid/cat that you’re not giving them something they’re allergic to, for instance.)

  21. sewsandreads*

    Just feeling a little bit excited (and a little exhausted) because I’ve submitted my first assignment for my masters studies! I actually attempted this a year ago almost to the month, but health issues made that next to impossible.

    So here I go, assignment one down, and one more to go in this unit! Sending good vibes to the other AAM readers currently studying, whatever level that may be.

    5. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Congrats! I had started my masters in Fall 2019 (just before Covid) and graduated this past May! It feels great when you finish, trust me!

  22. J.B.*

    Does anyone have fantasy book recommendations for a kid who’s an advanced reader but not ready for young adult yet? Someone turned my daughter on to the Wings of Fire series which will fortunately take a while, then she wants more things with dragons probably although gryphons might work too.

    1. Ildrummer*

      The Dragonriders of Pern is an enormous YA series by Anne McCaffrey and is very approachable for younger ages. I read them when I was 9 or 10. There are some very light adult themes (indications of sexual relationships beyond spouses) to consider in accordance with your parenting values, though.

      1. allathian*

        Mmm. There are also pretty explicit descriptions of sexual violence… The Pern books are essentially bodice-ripper romances in a light sci-fi setting (The easiest way to offend Anne McCaffrey when she was alive was to suggest that she wrote fantasy).

        The Harper Hall trilogy featuring Menolly the harper are an exception, because they’re written as YA.

        Granted, my parents never censored my reading when I was a kid, and I first read the Pern books when I was about 13. They gave me the first three “Earth’s Children” books by Jean M. Auel for my 15th birthday, so they were definitely not worried about me getting exposed to adult themes.

        2. KatEnigma*

          Yeah.. I was going to say there’s an awful lot of sex in Pern… Anne McCaffrey was a romance writer before she went to Fantasy.

          1. Lilo*

            The whole “forced to have sex during dragon mating” thing is somewhat used as a romantic trope which really, really hasn’t aged well.

            I read those as a teen and in hindsight, not the best idea. Some of her other books involve some pretty explicit child abuse as well.

            1. KatEnigma*

              And child abuse that isn’t necessarily tagged as child abuse, either.

              I actually like the series since her son completely took over, and specifically like the series he was writing on his own much better than the ones he collaborated with her.

              This led to my husband and I discussing when we’ll let our own son read them (with discussions as he does) and talking about what we might allow our own kid to read vs what we’d recommend for someone else’s kid.

            2. Ildrummer*

              Wow, I completely forgot about some of these themes. Sorry for the questionable suggestion and thanks for following up with more info.

          2. allathian*

            Not fantasy, light sci-fi. She makes it clear in the introduction of every book that the dragons were genetically engineered by humans, and like I said in an earlier post, she’d take offence if you called her a fantasy writer. I have no idea why, but it was a hang-up of hers.

        3. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          Speaking of “Earth’s Children”, it’s pretty much not worth it after the fourth (“The Plains of Passage”). I was bitterly disappointed in the last three, thinking, “I waited so long for THIS?”

      2. Bagpuss*

        I wouldn’t class them as YA. Depending on the specific book there’s a lot of sex and violence and a lot of very problematic relationships, not to mention low-lower homophobia.
        I read them from a pretty young age but having reread as an adult I wouldn’t recommend them- definitely (re)read them yourself first

      3. KoiFeeder*

        It is NOT a YA series. I mean, I read them in third grade and skipped over the “kissy scenes,” and Ruth the white dragon is a load-bearing pillar of my mental health, but it is very much not a YA series.

        1. allathian*

          Good point about Ruth. The first time I read the book at 13, I *wanted to be* Ruth so badly I could taste it. The other dragons were uninteresting by comparison, but Ruth felt like a real person.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            I’m also asexual. No one (well, no one who isn’t textually wrong or unpleasant) considers Ruth broken for it. The White Dragon was very important for me while I was going through puberty because, hey, someone else has had the same experience! Yeah, they’re An Actual Dragon, but that just makes it even cooler.

            1. allathian*

              Yes, I can see why that’d be the case. I was a fairly late developer, and still saw boys more as potential friends than anything else at 13. I was rather tomboyish, and most of my friends were boys, until suddenly they didn’t want to have anything to do with me when I hit puberty in earnest.

              The first time or two that I read the Pern books, I skimmed past the kissy bits. It did hit me like a load of bricks when I was 16 or so and dealing with my first unrequited crushes, though.

      4. Lilo*

        Adding to the chorus of absolutely not. There is a lot of sexual content, including sexual violence, in that series.

      5. Dark Macadamia*

        I loved the Harper Hall trilogy as a 5th grader and tried ONE Dragonriders book as a teen which basically started with a rape scene. I found it incredibly disturbing and never even tried any of the others.

        JB, I definitely think Dragonsong and its sequels would be great for your kid (there is one implied sex scene in the second one but it’s the kind of thing a younger reader might not even pick up on. I didn’t the first couple times I read it as a tween) but the author’s other books are not YA.

    2. Richard Hershberger*

      I honestly don’t know how to put together “advanced reader” with “not ready for young adult.” Do you mean not ready for chapter books without illustrations? What age are we talking about here? That being said, my kid on the spectrum who loves unicorns is very into the Phoebe and Her Unicorn graphic books. That might fit.

      1. allathian*

        A friend of mine in the US has a daughter who taught herself to read when she was 3 years old, just by watching her brother do his homework. She was fascinated by letters and words, and would read everything she got her hands on, regardless of whether she understood the content or not. When she was 6 years old, she was reading things like Scientific American and National Geographic cover to cover. Fiction never interested her, because age-appropriate content was presented in a format that was too simplistic for her taste. She only got interested in fiction when she went to middle school and was allowed to read adult books.

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          My niece taught herself to read because my brother was reading The Lord of the Rings to her, but wasn’t going fast enough to suit her.

        2. Lilo*

          I have a 3 year old who can read and was an advanced reader myself and something that’s really crucial to remember is that being advanced in reading doesn’t necessarily mean being advanced socially or emotionally. So it’s important to pay attention to content.

      2. J.B.*

        Not interested in the type of themes that tend to be young adult – relationships and definitely not dystopia. More excited about pure magic and definitely icked by kissing.

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          I am out of touch with the conventions of modern YA. I was thinking reading level more than thematic content.

          So how about going all in? An advanced reader should be able to handle Tolkien.

            1. Richard Hershberger*

              That is where I would start, though many young readers quickly move on to The Lord of the Rings.

            2. RandomBiter*

              The Hobbit was probably my intro to fantasy closely followed by The Lord of the Rings and The King of Elfland’s Daughter.

        2. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I’m not current on YA books, but Tamora Pierce might be a good option. Patricia C Wrede as well. Not all YA books are going to have romance and sex, you just have to find them.

          At some point, reading level no longer functionally limits reading, and at that point set the kid loose on the library. If a book isn’t enjoyed, then stop reading it.

      3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        I presume j.b. means the kid reads quickly, has no problem with complicated sentence structure, and understands all she reads but is not yet (emotionally, psychologically) old enough for the topics that come up in YA books, like love, peer pressure, sex (in the widest sense), drugs, …
        My kid is definitely one of those and the only way I’ve found to work with this is have my kid read a LOT of books. Just yesterday in the afternoong we brought 20 books home from the library, and my kid has already read one of them – a novel that has 130+ pages…

    3. Ranon*

      Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C Wrede, categorized as YA but my six year old loves listening to them. Plenty of dragons and tongue in cheek use of fantasy tropes and some delightfully feminist lead characters, no adult themes.

      Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books starting with The Wee Free Men, no dragons but plenty of magic and a great use of advanced vocabulary with definitions baked into the narrative.

      The Phantom Tollbooth is a classic for a reason and has great wordplay for a kiddo who’s getting really into words.

      1. Lilo*

        +1 to the Enchanted Forest series. My mom and I made mousse together after reading that one.

        I don’t know the kid’s age here but I second chatting with the librarian.

      2. Wink the Book*

        +1 To all these woth a maybe on the Dragon Blood series by Jane Yolen.

        But the EnchNted Forest books are A DELIGHT.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      By young adult do you mean the love triangle stuff/relationship angst that tends to crop up? If so…

      Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books
      Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain books
      Nesbit’s Psammead book (on the old fashioned end)
      Susan Cooper’s Dark is Rising Series

      1. Melanie Cavill*

        FYI on this, the fourth Tiffany Aching book gets quite dark. That’s probably the one I’d hold off on for a year or two, based off OP’s request.

      2. J.B.*

        All good ones I remember reading dark is rising. I don’t know that she’d like that because too many humans but Terry Pratchett YA might work well. He also has a book set in discworld something about Maurice (who is a cat) and his rodents, and the Carpet People. I also have some books she might get into if we read the first together.

      3. Librarian of SHIELD*

        +1 for Prydain.

        Has kiddo read any of the books in the Rick Riordan Presents line? It features mythological stories written by authors from a variety of cultural backgrounds, and a lot of them feature very cool mythological creatures.

        I also highly recommend Amari and the Night Brothers by B.B. Alston.

    5. Anon4now*

      Maybe the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini. I admit I haven’t read it since I was 11 or 12 myself but I remember lots of magic, very dragon oriented and not a crazy amount of romance but others might have a fresher memory.

      And if you’re open to one off books, is there a more iconic dragon than Smaug? Big fan of the Hobbit for young advanced readers.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        It’s a good series – I’d also recommend Jonathan stroud – his demon series is really fascinating and I’d peg it about 5th grade level. It’s been years since I’ve read it but I don’t remember there being any of the relationship/coming of age items.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Your friendly kid/teen section librarian at your local branch is dying for you to ask them.

      I make a point now to always take questions like “help me find this book I can’t remember the name of” and “can you recommend books that are this, not that” to my local library staff.

      They get really excited to have a good, interesting question.

    7. Lady Alys*

      Terry Pratchett? Tiffany Aching books for sure, but also just about any of the rest of them – Lady Sybil Vimes keeps a dragon sanctuary after all!

      “The Dark is Rising” series by Susan Cooper.

      And these aren’t fantasy (although there are dragons in the form of Lord Emsworth’s various sisters), but maybe PG Wodehouse? Very lighthearted and almost no kissing.

      1. Clisby*

        I love PG Wodehouse’s books, especially when Galahad Threepwood comes to the aid of a family young’un who’s been banished to Blandings Castle to get them away from an unsavory entanglement.

      1. Llellayena*

        Actually, most of Tamora Pierce’s books would be good. Wild Magic would be great for bringing in (eventually) griffons and dragons, though you might need to start with The Lioness Quartet first for background. While she does occasionally touch on romance/kissing, it’s never graphic and is easily skimmed through without missing the main storyline.

        1. AnonyMouse*

          I think Circle of Magic would be the best fit. Also I disagree that you need to read the Lioness Quartet before Wild Magic, they stand alone very well. The Alanna/Lioness books have the most focus on romance IMO.

          1. Tau*

            I agree with this comment! Circle of Magic has a big focus on found family/platonic relationships which was a breath of fresh air when I found them. IIRC, the first time we get any romance involving one of the MCs is Will of the Empress (so, nine books into the series). The second quartet is a little more adult but the first one would definitely work for a younger reader. I’m always a little sad that I didn’t discover this series until I was an adult because I think I would have adored it as a kid.

            Wild Magic can be read alone (you will miss out on some “omg look it’s X!” squee and also be spoiled for the Lioness quartet, but I read the first book of this and the first book of Lioness in parallel and it worked) and is great if you skip the last book, which introduces a romance with a significant age gap and prior mentor/student relationship that was squicky for a lot of people including me. The good news is that although there’s some overarching plot and some mysteries not answered until book 4, each book is fairly self-contained.

            Other Tortall series: I forget the details of Protector of the Small, but IIRC there’s relationship and crushes in books 3-4 although they’re less prominent than in Lioness. The Trickster series includes a romance although it’s not the main focus (also I just… don’t like those books very much). Provost’s Dog I would probably not recommend for a young reader because it gets pretty dark in a lot of places; the writing style is also not an easy one as it uses a lot of medieval slang.

        1. Hex Code*

          Yeah, I’m like, personally offended it took this far down in the thread for someone to mention Tamora Pierce! That should have been like #1.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Depending on her reading level, Time Cat by Lloyd Alexander is a fairly easy reader about a boy whose cat takes him on adventures to different historical time periods.

      A more sophisticated reader might like The Keys To The Kingdom series by Garth Nix.

      Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea Trilogy doesn’t have any romance per se. It can get a bit scary in my opinion.

      If you can track it down (I think it’s out of print), a book by Gerald Durrell called The Talking Parcel is pure fun, almost no peril.

    10. Bagpuss*

      Stephanie Burgis’s’Dragon with a chocolate heart’ , Neil Gaiman’s ‘Coraline’ & ‘The Graveyard Book’ , some of Diana Wynne Jones (maybe Witch Week as a starter. ) (not many dragons except in the first of these but they are fantasy!)
      Maybe the Earthsea books?
      I would definitely not recommend Anne McCaffrey, a lot of her stuff has not aged at all well

    11. slashgirl*

      You don’t say your daughter’s age but based on Wings of Fire: The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris d’Lacey; there are 7 books in the series and most are fairly long–my good grade 4 &5 readers enjoy them; he also has The Erth Dragons which has 3 so far. Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke.

      From your comments she prefers non human fantasy. Have you tried the Warrior series by Erin Hunter? It’s about cats and there 4 different sub-series. There’s a website, warriorcats(dot)com

    12. KoiFeeder*

      The Flight of Dragons by Peter Dickinson- it’s spec evo, not fiction, so it might be a little dense for your reader.

      A Natural History of Dragons: A Memoir by Lady Trent by Marie Brennan- this is a really good combination of spec evo and fiction, but it may be a little human-heavy.

      Dragonology: The Complete Book of Dragons by Dr. Ernest Drake- okay, technically not narrative fiction, still very delightful.

      The Dragon Chronicles by Malcolm Saunders- this may be a little more dystopian than requested, but everyone wins at the end.

      The Game of Rat and Dragon- I have gone through almost as many paperbacks of this one as I have of the Pern Omnibus. Just trust me.

      Pit Dragon Chronicles- Very human-centric, but still good.

      Star Dragon- Her mileage may vary; I wasn’t impressed with the POV humans very much.

      Pip and Flinx series- I started at Midflinx, which I have been enjoying, but I need to actually read the series in order to give you a better recommendation. Check for yourself?

      The Dragon Masters by Jack Vance- this might be a little much, and technically it’s not about dragons persay, but the irony is really, really delightful.

      The Dragonback series by Zahn- okay, I haven’t read this one, but I’ve been meaning to.

      The Last Dragonlord- stuck this one at the bottom of the list because it does have sex scenes and your mileage is going to vary here. I read it around the same time I was reading Pern, and I just skipped the kissy stuff.

      1. Lilo*

        A Natural History of Dragons, at least the first book, heavily involves a miscarriage as a plot point. I would not give that to a young kid.

      2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        Flinx is good. Alan Dean Foster seems to be pretty good at walking the line on content.

        Definitely start from the beginning, otherwise a lot of stuff will not make sense.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Yeah, starting at book seven… I mean, I think I get everything, but I need to get the first book because this is not the optimal way to be introduced to the series!

      3. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        How about David Edding’s Pawn of Prophecy series? (His others tend to get a bit more explicit, but still discreet).

        1. Lilo*

          The but where the rabbit describes the warren being gassed. I read that at 14 and I can still remember being horrified. The cartoon is even worse.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            There are definitely some tough parts, but I read it pretty young (I’m guessing 12 or 13?) and wasn’t scarred. Depends on the kid and how old they are I guess.

      1. EJ*

        That comment was for the dominant hand surgery above, oops

        For fantasy books for kids, my kids love Brandon Mull! Fablehaven series and Dragonwatch series are their favorites, the other series are OK but not quite as engrossing.

      2. EJ*

        I lost my real response to this thread! My kids (6, 9 and 11) all LOVE Brandon Mull! Fablehaven and Dragonwatch are their favorite series of his.

    15. Jackalope*

      Diana Wynne Jones wrote a duology of Dark Lord of Derkholm and The Year of the Gryphon. It’s a lot of fun, although the first book does rely on having something of a working knowledge about fantasy tropes. The second book (Year of the Gryphin) can be read separately though if needed.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I loved her Dalemark Quartet. No dragons but some very cool magic and world building, plus time travel in the last book

        1. Hallowiener*

          I was going to recommend Chrestomanci. Charmed Life is still a comfort read for me, and as an adult, I have a massive book crush on Chrestomanci.

    16. fueled by coffee*

      These may be dated because they are books that I remember repeat-borrowing from my elementary and middle school libraries in the 2000s, but:

      -Dealing with Dragons (Patricia Wrede)
      -The Two Princesses of Bamarre (Gail Carson Levine)
      -Where the Mountain Meets the Moon (Grace Lin)

    17. KatEnigma*

      Don Callander’s Mancer series would be fine. Various creatures come and go from that series and it’s not even as intense as YA. In fact, nothing truly bad ever happens in the series. Of which there are a zillion.

      Christopher Stasheff’s Wizard in Rhyme books are clean and appropriate. His Warlock of Gramarye series is also good, but doesn’t have the dragons and gryphons as prominently.

      After that, I second anything by Patricia Wrede, Tamora Pierce, E Nesbit or Dianne Wynne Jones.

      And if she gets into Fantasy but doesn’t need mystical creatures, David Eddings is my favorite. Start with the Belgariad. The little romance is all “Fade to Black”

    18. AnonyMouse*

      T.A. Barron’s Merlin series sounds like a good fit!

      Gregor the Overlander series by Suzanne Collins, middle reader level, but I read it as an adult and enjoyed it.

    19. Lilo*

      I think Percy Jackson might work. Riordan also has an Egyptian series that I’ve only read the first one of.

      A LOT has come out since we were kids (or my younger sister was little). So talking to teachers/librarians is a good idea.

      1. J.B.*

        Riordan’s Egyptian series has been made into graphic novels for anyone who is reading this and interested in reccs too. And Rick Riordan presents features maybe newer authors with stories fr lot of different cultures (like there’s one about Hindu gods).

    20. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      You have probably already been through the Dragon Masters series, they are a little lower level but they’re fun and there’s like 21 books and counting. The Last Firehawk is another Scholastic Branches fantasy series that was similar, no dragons but lots of other creatures.

      I have the same issue with my son, he’s 7 and has been devouring the Percy Jackson series. I’ve been reading them too and I’ve been impressed with the quality. There is a tiny bit of romance as in, some characters slowly realize how much they like each other over the course of several books and they kiss once or twice near the end.

      Seconding NOT Pern for a kid these days. I personally love Tamora Pierce – those are also a bit more for older kids too as they do tackle things like girls getting their periods and stuff.

    21. Bookworm in Stitches*

      I hope it’s okay to recommend other fantasy series and authors that may not include dragons but are highly rated by student readers.

      Series:
      Aru Shah
      Inkheart
      Keeper of the Lost Cities
      Nevermoor
      Vega Jane
      Dragon Rider

      Authors:
      Rick Riordan
      Cornelia Funke

    22. KatEnigma*

      Also, I forgot until my husband and I were talking about it- Diane Duane’s Young Wizard series. It’s more urban fantasy than strict fantasy, but it’s extremely well written and I like the feel of Hope she maintains. Plus, she edited the early books and re-released them a couple years ago to keep them appealing to a modern kids’ sensibilities. In the first books, the kids are 11.

    23. Girasol*

      Andre Norton’s Moonsinger and Beastmaster books are good stories with magical animal friends but from so long ago that hardly anyone even said the word “sex” out loud then.

    24. 00ff00Claire*

      One of my niblings loves Wings of Fire! They also have some mis-match between their reading ability and their interests/maturity. I can’t think of any books with dragons off the top of my head, but here are some ideas I that come to mind:

      The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle. I’m a little biased because the movie was one of my favorites as a kid. Definitely has some nuanced themes but kind of in the same sense that The Hobbit does, not in sense of romance/dystopia (although there is some romance, I think). Stuff that will probably go over her head but I think the story should be OK age-wise.

      Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM.

      Look into Philip Reeve. It’s been a while since I’ve read any of his books, so I won’t recommend them per se, but I think the Larklight trilogy is aimed at younger tweens and doesn’t have the typical YA themes. I had to google to remember the name of that series, and it looks like he has some newer books that I’m not familiar with. One is called No Such Thing as Dragons and Amazon says it is targeted for 8-12, so it might be a possibility.

      Good luck finding books for your daughter! I’m always on the look-out for books for my niblings and it’s tricky when there is a mismatch between their decoding/fluency/vocabulary skills and their maturity + interests. I try to look for older (as in published longer ago) fiction books aimed close to this nibling’s actual age, because I personally have found that many newer children’s books are written in plainer language. It makes books for older kids more accessible for this nibling but unless the theme/content is just right there’s still a mismatch. Nibling prefers nonfiction, and I suspect this is partly why.

    25. Chauncy Gardener*

      For “vintage” recommendations: A Wrinkle in Time, perhaps? The Phantom Tollbooth? The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Alice in Wonderland?
      No dragons though. Sorry!

      1. EJ*

        I love the Nevermoor series! Perfect for kids, too. I had on my calendar to buy Silverborn, the 4th book on Oct 10th only to find it got pushed back a whole year! Sad!

    27. HannahS*

      Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C. Wrigley (and its sequels)
      The Magic Circle series by Tamora Pierce
      A Hat Full of Sky
      The Hobbit
      Midnight for Charlie Bone and its sequels (caveat–these may not have aged well; I dimly recall liking them when I was about 9)
      A Wrinkle in Time
      Coraline (though possibly not for a more sensitive child)
      Inkheart

    28. Jackalope*

      After thinking about it a bit more, I remembered the Forbidden Library series by Django Wexler. I read it a few years ago and enjoyed it; clever fantasy with random fantastical beings (don’t remember if there are dragons but there are several other magical creatures) and I enjoyed the world. I don’t think it had romance in it, so either it didn’t or it was mild enough to forget. And not dystopian.

    29. 2QS*

      B. B. Alston’s ‘Amari’ books
      Catherynne M. Valente’s ‘Fairyland’ series
      Francesca Gibbons’s ‘A Clock of Stars’
      And maybe Rachel Hartman’s ‘Seraphina’

    30. Anonymous Cat*

      I loved one called My Father’s Dragon and I can still remember the artwork.

      As I recall it, a boy sets out to save a dragon and takes along things like chewing gum for supplies.

    31. marvin the paranoid android*

      I really loved Jane Yolen’s Pit Dragon Trilogy when I was in this category, maybe around 10 or 11. The series is about basically dragon fighting rings, though, so quite a bit of it revolves around cruelty to (imaginary) animals and people fighting against that. I haven’t read the books in years, but I remember them being quite moving and empathetic, although sometimes pretty sad.

      More recently I’ve enjoyed V.E. Schwab’s City of Ghosts, which is definitely middle grade and has a couple of sequels. As the title implies, about ghosts rather than dragons, but very charming. Some kids might find parts of it a bit creepy, depending on general ghost tolerance level.

    32. Bookreader*

      Hello! Something to try might be either the Nevermoor series, by an Australian author, similar to the early Harry Potter books in terms of content. Also Carole Wilkinson ‘Dragonkeeper’ is young kid appropriate.

    33. SarahKay*

      What about the Dragon Storm series by Alastair Chisholm, assuming it’s available in the US? Amazon reckons they’re aimed at ages 7-9, so no romance / sex, but I’m finding them fairly gripping. (Stressed at work, so reading light material currently.) Fantasy, and dragons, so hopefully will fit the bill.
      He’s also written three stand-alone novels, which I seem to recall are specifically aimed at the age just before YA, although more sci-fi than fantasy. Orion Lost, in particular, has an incredibly satisfying scene near the end where all the lead characters suddenly pull together to great effect.

    34. Silence*

      No mythical creatures but the silver brumby series has no human characters
      Some early Mercedes Lackey had griffins
      The hobbit, terry pratchet, Patricia c wede

  23. Teapot Translator*

    I saw on the Inntravel website that there are winter holidays in Europe that don’t revolve around skiing (or snowshoeing). I don’t ski and I do not enjoy snowshoeing.
    Does anyone know if we have something similar in Canada or in the United States? I’m in Canada. Most of what I found online for Canada revolves around skiing, and no one among my friends knows of any hotel (or other type of accommodation) where you can like go out the front door and go walking in the forest (as in, not taking the car to get to the trail). I can drive, I have a car, but it’s not something I enjoy, so it’s not something I want to on vacation. Thanks everyone!

    1. CTT*

      Are you looking for something more organized or just a trip to yourself where you choose-your-own-walking-adventure? If it’s the latter and if you are comfortable with airbnbs, I bet if you dug into some of the categories on their website like “national forest” or “countryside” you could find something close to you. The past two winters I’ve stayed in a tiny-house vacation community in the mountains near me that have trails that start inside the community and gone on some great walks.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        At this point, I’d like to see what the options are and then decide if there’s anything that fits my needs and my budget. I’ll check Airbnb, thanks!

    2. Ranon*

      There are definitely accommodations in northern Minnesota that have that “walk out the door to the trail” adjacency you’re looking for, but in the winter you’re likely looking at snowshoeing or cross country skiing once you’re out the door because there’s, well, a lot of snow! Depending on your timing/ luck with the weather you might be able to find winter hiking that doesn’t take snowshoes if the trails get used enough to pack everything down and there’s not a ton of snow when you travel.

      Are you looking for a winter holiday in a winter environment or looking to get away from winter? What activities inside or outside do you enjoy or would you be looking to do?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I like hiking (there are trails in my province for winter hiking/walking instead of snowshoeing) and I can ice skate somewhat. I’m trying to see if there’s somewhere I can go where in the morning I can go out for an activity and then in the afternoon rest and read a book. So mix of relaxation and activity. Preferably, I can just park my car at the accommodation and only need to drive to go home.

    3. cucumber and dill*

      There are definitely places in the gulf islands in BC that would be like that (you might be walking on the beach), but it might be airb’n’b. Try Cortes Island, the north part of Vancouver Island. Maybe Haida Gwaii. (Caveat: you won’t need snowshoes, but maybe good rain gear).

    4. KatEnigma*

      Rocky Mountain National Park doesn’t shut down in winter. Some trails are closed to snowmobiles and some are just closed if the roads or trails are unsafe to travel, but it’s still open and my husband’s aunt and uncle (retired park rangers) spend many a winter day hiking on the mountain.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I will caution that there are trails that are safe to just sort of wander down with no planning and there are trails where you should pack the stuff needed to survive for several days outside just in case something happens, even if you only plan to be gone a few hours. Knowing which is which is key, and people who aren’t from an area can have a hard time knowing what kind of trail they’re taking. If you’re going to an unfamiliar area, particularly for winter hiking, you definitely want to be sure which kind of trail you’re on before you get out of sight of your rental. Solo winter hiking is definitely a thing you can do, but you either need to be conservative in where you go or do a lot of contingency planning before you leave.

      I’m not familiar with winter hiking in Canada specifically, but as someone who has lived in the American parts of the PNW all of my life, under-prepared hiking is something I’ve seen play out badly here both in real life in minor ways and in a variety of tragic news stories in major ways. Most of the wilderness trails around here are at higher elevations, so would have snow in the winter and not be suitable for casual solo woods-wandering rather than planned hikes where you let someone know your route and when you’re expected back, and take supplies so you can overnight in the woods if something goes wrong. Many of them turn into ski trails rather than hiking trails in the winter anyway.

      I can certainly think of specific tamer areas to do an hour or three of winter walking in the woods that would probably not have snow in my area (unless we got a big snowstorm, of course), but those would be city parks with forested trails and I’d be surprised if a vacationer from out of the area organized a vacation around them or was aware of their existence. I guess you could look at cities in your proposed tourist roaming area and see if any of them have large, forested city parks? Maybe coastal B.C. would be a good place to look, since the ocean would moderate the temperatures a bit? I’ve only done urban B.C. trips in the winter rather than wilderness ones, though.

    6. Brrrrr*

      If your budget allows, it would definitely be worth a call or email to Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge to see how many walkable/groomed trails they have in the winter. They are on 700 acres of land so while of course their website mentions a lot of cross-country skiing, snowshoeing and fat-biking I would be very surprised if they don’t also have walking paths.

      We once spent Christmas at Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel and it was surprisingly affordable. But the on-property outdoor activities there are more limited since they are located half-way up the mountain and don’t have the landmass that Jasper Park Lodge does.

  24. Rage*

    Today is my Stupid-a-versary: the date, 28 years ago, when I married the person who was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me.

    I won’t go into all of the (pretty awful) details, but when I got out 14 months later it was 15 months too late, if you know what I mean.

    Since I believe that we are doomed to repeat history if we don’t study it, I therefore also believe we will make the same stupid mistakes if we don’t make a mockery of them. So I celebrate every year: usually with cupcakes at work and snarky commentary.

    But today is a Saturday, so I’m headed up to Topeka, Kansas for an event called “Station 9 3/4” – obviously HP-themed but not breaking any copyrights. I’m going as Professor Harlan, Preceptor of Magizology at Plainsward Academy of Magic. My train just happens to be passing through the station so I’ll be pushing a large cart piled with cases and crates and one tiny (live) owl in a cage. Promoting wildlife rehabilitation, conservation, and the org I volunteer for (rehab for birds of prey).

    So if you’re in Topeka, and planning to attend the event, come find me today! Wish me a very happy stupid-a-versary and I’ll give you a special gift. :)

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Oh that sounds absolutely AWESOME! (Your day in Topeka, not the 28-years gone “stupidity”)
      I hope you have a great day!
      And since I can’t just up and go to Topeka I’ll just Wish You A Very Happy Stupid-A-Versary from here!! (I’m glad you got out and are living your life well)

    2. Really*

      Happy stupaversary! You got out when you realized it was a mistake. There are many many people who take longer or don’t leave so — be proud of yourself!!

  25. Jazz and Manhattans*

    I am looking for recommendations for a new gas range/stove. We purchased a high end dual fuel (Dacor – gas for the range; electric for the oven) when we moved into our house and it was fine (perhaps one issue for the repairman to come out) but once the warranty ran out all bets were off and we had continued issues until here we are without an oven for months and we have to use the range by using a lighter to light it. I wouldn’t mind putting money into another high end stove but not if we are constantly going to have to fix it. Anyone have a gas appliance that has worked well for them *once it came out of warranty*? It doesn’t have to be dual fuel, I’m thinking that gas range/gas oven would be fine.

    1. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      My Whirlpool builder’s package gas range/stove isn’t has been working like a charm for 12 years.

    2. mreasy*

      If it’s an issue with the pilot light, it should be a relatively easy fix – my crappy rental apartment Kenmore has the pilot go out once a year or so but it’s only once had to have been actually worked on (otherwise just relit). It keeps on trucking for who knows how many years.

      1. Jazz and Manhattans*

        Unfortunately not a pilot light issue but planned obsolescence by the manufacturer. The issue is with the panel that controls the stove. It can’t be fixed.

    3. Not A Manager*

      We got a Bertazzoni when we redid our kitchen about ten years ago. It falls between the standard brands and the luxury brands price-wise. I like the visual aesthetic, and we’ve had no problems with its performance out of warranty (unlike previous stoves by Viking and Decor). This is probably because it has *zero* bells and whistles. You get a gas stovetop and a gas oven, and that’s it. The model we got has a cubby at the bottom that we use for storage, but it looks like maybe a different model would use that space for a broiler or a warming oven. Our oven bakes from the bottom and broils from the top.

      1. Jazz and Manhattans*

        Thanks I will check them out! I’m not about the bells and whistles, I just want something that will last for the amount of money I spend on it! I’m thinking of moving away from the dual fuel as I *think* that concept is better if you do baking (breads and such) and we don’t. Just standard roasting of things.

      2. Rose*

        I also have a Bertazzoni that I will freely admit I got because it is pretty :) I also have a Miele combi steam oven, which I use when I need an oven; I have only used the Bertazzoni oven a handful of times.

    4. Maryn*

      The house we bought came with a high-end dual stove–gas for the burners, electric for the ovens. This Thermador is now nearly 24 years old and has needed zero service in the three years we’ve been here. It’s also by far the best stove I’ve ever used; I’ve had to adjust several recipes for faster cooking times. If something happened to it, I’d replace it with another Thermador in a heartbeat.

    5. Cookie*

      I have the GE Profile dual fuel and I’m pretty happy with it overall. Mine was an open box unit and I had to have a repair service make an adjustment to the convection fan (it was loud) but it’s otherwise been great for the 1.5 years I’ve had it. It has a steam clean oven, an actual iron (not painted) griddle that fits over the middle burners, and a warming drawer. My only issue is that it’s a slide-in, and my old house’s counters aren’t that deep, so it pokes out a couple of inches…which doesn’t affect the performance at all.

    6. Double A*

      Different perspective: We replaced our gas stove not long after we bought our house because it was on its last legs. In the years since, I’ve learned about how bad gas is for the environment both inside and outside and I regret not looking into how to transition to electric. Now we’ve got a perfectly fine stove and it will be another 15 years til I’m willing to make the transition.

      Just something to think about at a time that making such a transition could be feasible.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We recently switched from gas to induction. We are serious amateur cooks and had the gas line extended to the kitchen for the stove about 15 years ago. The range we installed at the time was fine but not great. I’m the baker in the family and I wanted to upgrade to a dual-fuel model, so I started looking around and was surprised to see the info on air quality. We have solar panels so the switch to electricity really cuts down on our fossil fuel use. A standard electric – even a high-end standard electric – would not have met our needs. We LOVE our induction range. It’s just as responsive as gas. It’s way easier to clean The oven is wonderful – it’s bigger, it has more racks, and it’s a convection oven. We had to replace all our cookware except the good ol’ cast-iron pans and it was totally, totally worth it (most of our cookware dates from our wedding in 1984, so it owed us nothing).

        1. CharlieBrown*

          I bought one of those induction hobs that sits on your countertop. The fan is somewhat loud, but other than that it’s great! You have so much more control over the temperature than you do with a gas or electric burner. If I were to buy another house, I would definitely go with an induction stove!

        2. Jazz and Manhattans*

          We’ve thought about induction as well especially as we get older and forget to turn things off! (I blame it on stress…)

        3. Cormorannt*

          Glad to hear this! We are replacing our gas range with an induction cooktop in our upcoming kitchen remodel. I’d read about indoor air quality issues but wasn’t overly concerned: We have a range hood that vents to the outside. I mentioned it in passing to my partner, who is the real cook in our family. He did a ton of research and got really excited about induction so we went for it. We have a lot of cast iron, but we will have to replace a few items. We will also have to upgrade our electrical panel, but we would have had to do that anyway if we ever wanted to get an electric car and put in a level 2 charger.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            I agree about the outside vent. It’s nice not to need it every time I turn the stove on, though.

            We already had the electric car and level 2 charger – and a generator. We installed the generator after Sandy and upgraded the panel at the same time, and when we renovated the kitchen in 2016 we also had the electrician run the circuit for the charger, although we didn’t buy the car for another couple of years. My husband says the most expensive words in the English language are “might as well….”

        4. Unum Hoc Scio*

          TBH We were huge fans of gas stoves but moved to a place that has no gas available. When the electric stove we had died 10 years ago we looked into buying something new.

          We went induction.

          It’s faster to warm up than gas
          The cooktop cools faster than anything
          No humming
          No problem cleaning up.

          The only difference is that ALL your cookware must be magnetic (no aluminum) and that whatever cookware you have works best when it connects completely to the cooking surface. This means that you need to check any cookware with a magnet and, unfortunately, any cast iron needs to be as flat as possible (if it’s warped so that only 1/8 of it touches the cooking surface, it’s not great)

          Seriously, you might want to change your thinking on this

    7. Missb*

      I’m a fan of Five Star dual-fuel ranges. Not Blue Star.

      I put one in my former house 25 years ago. My old house has sold several times since then, including last year. The real estate ads still show the same range installed. It is a 36″ dual fuel range.

      They’re pretty basic – gas top and electric oven. There isn’t even a timer. Or a panel that flips out. Repairs are easy, from parts that are easy to find.

      I just redid my kitchen this year, and bought another one. Difference is that my local high-end appliance store no longer carries the line, so I had to order it direct from the factory. They shipped it from Tennessee to the west coast and it arrived in great condition. The appliance installers had no issues with installing it.

      The 36″ dual fuel model has four burners and a center grill/griddle. The grill/griddle is Lodge cast iron, as are the grates for the four burners.

      The HVAC for the install is a key thing – you need make up air for this type of a range, because the venting required for that amount of BTUs is significant (and code across the US requires it). I don’t worry about indoor air quality. Fan goes on before range top burners get started.

      The cost of the Five Star is half of Viking, Thermador or Miele.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      We bought a Samsung gas range at the start of the pandemic to replace our flaky old range, and it was immediately worth every penny. I don’t see a helpful name/number to give you, but ours has two left burners, two right burners, and a long oval one in the middle that you can use for a griddle (provided) or for deglazing a roasting pan (I assume the inspiration for the feature).

      The one negative is that the broiler is rather narrow, though this seems to be common with gas ovens.

  26. Dwight Schrute*

    Tips for dealing with a person in a friend group who just drives you batty? I do my best to not see them in person but we are in a shared group message and it would definitely be noticed if I left and it’s not an option, but oh my goodness this person just drives me bonkers. Everything you say they have to have a counterpoint for and they blame everyone else for their problems. I’m for sure at the BEC stage with them, how do I move past it?

    1. allathian*

      Can you block this person’s posts in the group so that you don’t see them?

      Can you send private messages to the rest of the group and mute the group most of the time?

      Why is leaving this group not an option, and why is it a problem if someone notices that you can’t deal with that person anymore?

    2. CTT*

      If it’s clear that the others genuinely like this person, I try to think of it as “this person is part of the deal if I want to spend time with people I do like.” Which doesn’t keep them from being annoying, but it reframes it for me and means that I have to find ways to minimize the annoyance (keep group texts on silent so I don’t see their name flash up on my phone constantly, know what subjects to avoid, etc.) because this person is there for the long-haul.

    3. AGD*

      This happened to me too – a circle of friends I treasure, but it includes one person I privately find insufferably self-centered who dominates all conversations. I ended up quitting the group chat, pointing to a supposed desire to cut down on my screen time. I miss the banter with the others, but I was just getting too irritated too often. Not having to think about the person I wasn’t reacting to well has been really nice.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      There is one person in my mom’s group whom I find off-putting (oddly insecure yet attention grabbing at the same time), and I just fully acknowledge to myself that this is the way she is and I can’t change her and remind myself that the the value of the group is bigger than just her. So when we get together or she chimes in on our text thread with some insensitive or inane comment, I just kind of mentally shrug and don’t respond or, if we are in person, nod sympathetically and try to make sure other people can get a word in. Digging deep down for a bit of empathy helped me not let her get to me. Which is unfortunate because I think she really needs close friends, but I find her mentally exhausting so I don’t offer to hang out with her one on one very often.
      But this is definitely one of those situations for me where I needed to realize that i can’t control her, only myself, and I had to reframe the situation to not let her ruin a really great support network for me.

    5. looking for a new name*

      I need to know this. There is a new person in our book club that just grates on me, and they were gone all summer but now they’re back and…ugh.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Can you just ignore their messages? Don’t get drawn into a debate or argument but just pretend their comments aren’t there and engage with others instead. Or does everyone start engaging with the annoying comment and get away from the conversation you wanted to have?

      Otherwise just a lot of “wow” “why are you asking that?” “okay.” “that’s an odd thing to say” … or if you get the sense others are annoyed by it too, “really???”

      1. Jackalope*

        This isn’t quite the same thing, but I had a discussion board that I enjoyed that had someone that was pretty awful on it. Universally recognized as awful but just barely toeing the line enough not to get banned (although I haven’t seen him on there for awhile so maybe that’s changed?). I made a rule for myself that I would never ever get into a discussion with him or acknowledge his comments in any way. That was perhaps easier in my case because on a long topic thread it’s not too hard to have several intertwining conversations all happening at the same time anyway. Sometimes he’d make a comment that I really wanted to respond to. Then I’d craft an answer in my head, delight in my imaginary win, and then not post anything. I don’t know if this will help you or not but I did find it pretty effective in my situation. Again, though, it was an online discussion group so it wasn’t obvious that I was giving him the cut direct like it would be in real life.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          This is great advice! I’m going to use it in my current “jerk in a group” situation.

        2. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Yes. There are two or three people in my long-standing parenting group who I stopped responding to. I won’t answer them directly and I stay out of any thread that I recognize as theirs. I could block them and if they were more active I would. At the moment it’s not worth the time.

    7. Double A*

      Make yourself a bingo card with this person’s annoying reactions. When they do one, chortle to yourself as you check off a square.

  27. Sloanicota*

    Has anyone had success with using more of a life coach or career coach, vs a therapist? As a person in a certain demographic “I’m stuck, do I need to talk to a therapist” is pretty ingrained, but honestly I don’t think it’s a mental health issue so much as classic questions about What I Want in Life. Some of this is job related but more in a quality of life / flexibility way, like “how important is money to you.” Last time I tried to get a therapist my insurance was lousy and I ended up paying them out of pocket anyway, which is what I understand they are all pushing for because the reimbursement rate through insurance is not good (so they will tell you they’re not taking new clients if you say you’re using insurance, but they have space if you’re paying direct). Also, without a mental health diagnosis I don’t think insurance will keep paying for Existential Crisis anyway. But how do you find good non-medical counselors, and is it any cheaper than therapy?

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      For what it’s worth, I don’t think you have to discount therapy as a means of reaching your goal. Therapy isn’t only for crisis or diagnosable mental health problems but can simply present you with a safe space to voice thoughts and ideas about yourself and your life and by that help you figure things out for you. I’d venture quite a few therapists wouldn’t mind working with you on the basis of “I’m not in a crisis but would like to find answers to questions concerning the direction I want my life to take”, especially if you are paying directly.
      I would generally be more weary of a ‘life coach’ or the like because a therapist is a medical professional who is bound by their profession to have your best interests at heart (and can face consequences for not doing their work that way), whereas a life coach is not bound by anything but their own ethics (or lack thereof) and would not face any consequences if they screwed up.
      That might just be my more anxious brain talking than reality, but I’d still be more comfortable with a therapist.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I researched something similar for a family member, and what I found is that once you’re outside of licensed and regulated mental health support, it’s the Wild West. People call themselves coaches, advisors, tutors and their expertise and fees vary wildly. (Also their actual expertise doesn’t seem to correlate to their fees in any obvious way.)

      I utilized word-of-mouth to get some initial recommendations, and then I consulted with the recommended professionals even if they weren’t available or didn’t exactly fit the bill. Those professionals referred me to others that they thought were a better fit. I get my initial recommendations by asking my friends very widely for support for adult ADHD, executive function, life coaching, adult skills, time management and whatever else I could think of. I found a wide range of people offering all kinds of services with no clear connection between the type of service and the actual title.

      The other thing I did was use google to find practice groups and professionals in my area, check out their websites, and call the ones that seemed legit. I spoke to a number of different professionals and I think it’s really a matter of personality and fit, not title or practice area. The person who ultimately worked for my relative was a tutor at a place I found through google, that provides support for college students/young adults with executive function and ADHD. My relative doesn’t fall within that demographic, and their issue isn’t primarily ADHD or executive functioning. But this particular person seemed to understand the issues and was willing to work on them, and my relative is very happy with this support.

      So my advice really is to connect broadly with lots of professionals, screen them through email or chat, and then have a phone conversation. Don’t get hung up on labels or titles.

    3. Beebee*

      Therapy can still be used for that! Personally I’d recommend it over a life coach because a therapist is actually trained and licensed. They are bound by a code of ethics, know what they’re doing, and will help you figure out the tools you need to reach your goals on your own. You don’t need to be in a crisis or struggling to see a therapist — you could go because of a “good reason” like this too.

      A life coach tbh to me has always seemed like a scam. They are not trained and they shouldn’t be making decisions for you as that is ultimately not going to help you in the long run in life. It’s sort of the antithesis of how helpfully guiding someone is actually supposed to work.

    4. Filosofickle*

      I went to a couple coaches before therapy, because I felt that was the better / more expedient way important to sort out life changes. They were helpful in getting me to envision life and work I wanted. I was happy with those services.

      In the end I still needed therapy (and wish I’d done it sooner) as it turns out a lot of my life and career dissatisfaction were rooted in not really understanding myself and needing to untangle identity issues!

    5. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Life Coaches, ugh. There’s no regulation, no generally accepted code of ethics, and often little to no training. And they quite often cross the boundary into practicing therapy without the training to do so.
      I’ve known SO MANY people who have had bad experiences with life coaches. So many of them are “This worked for me, therefore it is UNIVERSAL and will work for you! I know because of my experience!”
      Honestly I would just use a therapist. You seem to think they are only for diagnosed mental health issues, and that’s not true.
      And cost wise, coaches often charge as much as or even more than therapists.

    6. Rosyglasses*

      I am going to be signing up with this kind of coach next month – and I am excited to dig into more of my professional goals and dreams and have them hold me accountable for finding clarity and moving forward. I ALSO have a therapist to move me thru the personal stuff and baggage. I think having both at times when you need additional tools or help is valid and not hoping that one person/type of toolkit is all things for all problems.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here’s a recommendation for an excellent book written by a professional therapist who specializes in helping people find their career and life direction. The book is Awaken to Your Calling: A Guide to Discovering Your Career Path and Life Direction by Randi Benator M.Ed. in Counseling. It’s accessible and has helpful exercises, and could be a place to start without a major financial investment.

    8. Frankie Bergstein*

      My Kaiser insurance gives me access to an app called Ginger, and I worked with a coach on there. I love it! It’s a lot of asking me questions, analyzing the responses, etc.

      I’ve worked on two issues with my coach. We do weekly texting 30 minute appointments (you can do video if you want, but that happens not to be how my insurer has set up my subscription).

      First issue was not being so darned tired all the time from going out too much. We figured out my limits. Then adjusted with more observation.

      Now I’m trying to build community, and it’s mostly updates on how that’s going and what it looks like. So those are kind of odd problems to bring to a therapist – well, the second, not the first – but the coach has been super helpful for me.

    9. E*

      At my old job when I was in charge of HR we had the option for employees to sign up w career coaches. They loved it. I totally believe in therapy but also that career coaching can offer different things such as more targeted and practical advice. Sort of like this blog but personalized! Finding the right coach and approach for you is the key I think. For your stuckness I’d recommend two coaches we really liked: Natalie Jayne and Christine Sachs. I also found it helpful to take the Clifton Strengths test to hone in on my strengths and how to articulate them, and see where to focus my career search. I found it surprisingly accurate. There are also coaches that specialize in that if you find it helpful.

      1. E*

        *home in, for those of you whom this error bothers :)

        I should also say I have no vested interest in either of the coaches I recommended, just liked them.

  28. AnonPPA*

    How do you handle questions on a second kid when the answer is you don’t want tongo through PPA/PPD again? My son was born in 2019 and I had pretty bad PPA. I struggled to find a doctor or therapist was finally feeling better when COVID hit and everything fell apart again.

    So people from family to strangers keep asking if I’m going to have another and the reality is while I love having a preschooler I really don’t want to go through the PPA again, especially since my son is old enough to notice that I’m not okay. But that’s not information I think people are entitled to. When I have expounded people will say stuff like “that might not happen again”.

    Before I had a kid no one asked about a first. Why do people think it’s okay to pressure on a second?

    1. CTT*

      People are really aggressive about only children! (As someone who jokingly calls herself a half-only child (second marriage baby, my sister was in college when I was born), I have definitely experienced some real rude comments from people about how only children grow up weird.) Just say “One is what works for us,” and then quickly pivot to “But how are your kids/spouse/pet/job?” Hopefully most people will get the subject change, and you can always up to “I don’t want to discuss this,” with the rude people that don’t.

    2. Invisible fish*

      “When you have a perfect child the first time, you don’t have to keep trying.”

      That’s from my dad, who said that to people who rudely commented on me being an only child. Say it with a big smile and let people realize what it means on their own. (It really does a great job of reminding people to mind their own business!)

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        This is extra hilarious if the person pestering you is the oldest child (coming from an oldest child lol)

      3. allathian*

        My husband and I have one son, and the few times that it’s come up, that’s what I’ve said. With a smile, of course.

    3. RagingADHD*

      People are nosy, period.

      The best way to not talk about something is to just not talk about it. You decided not to have more children, so that’s all you need to say.

      “One and done for us,” or
      “We’re happy with our family,”
      Or any of the zillion ways people express the same thing. And then immediately start talking about something unrelated. Don’t leave dead air for them to fill up, because they aren’t going to fill it with anything good.

      Yes, some people will be so pushy as to ignore all these clear signals and interrupt you to question why. Because people are nosy and rude.

      I suggest smiling and using your preschooler-mom tone to say something like, “Because we said so.”

    4. AGD*

      Ugh, I’m sorry, this is super annoying and invasive.

      Could you frame it in terms of being done with pregnancy/labor for good?

    5. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Seconding the “Oh we’re not going to have another one. This is what works for us.” accompanied by a bright smile. If they feel like askinh why, a smiley repetition of “It works for us.” And if they go all in on how only-children are unsocial and unhappy loners who will never learn how to care for others etc. etc.
      – either be a brick wall and ignore them
      – or maybe hand the awkward back to them by saying “You seem to have quite the prejudice against only-children. I’d think about that if I were you.” and walk away
      – or, if you’re in a charitable mood and/or with someone you feel you owe an explanation, “Oh we are not concerned about that because we are making sure that our child has lots of contact with other children in day care and play/sports groups, so no need to worry”, again with a big, confident smile on your face

      I’m sorry people are so nosy and judgy and can’t just let others live life the way they feel is best for them.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. Or the classic “there’s no guarantee that siblings will get along, or even tolerate each other.”

        It also depends on the kid. I’m an introvert. My husband’s an introvert, and our son’s an introvert. He has a couple of good friends, but he gets peopled out very quickly. He may be solitary for much of the time, but he isn’t lonely. He’s said so several times, whenever I’ve asked. And he gets along with his peers, and he’s no more selfish than most kids his age, regardless of sibling status.

    6. o_gal*

      I got that a lot. People think they mean well, but they should just keep their mouths shut. My joking answer is “Smart women remember pain.” My more complete answer is “OK, you think I need to give my son a brother or sister to play with. You’re talking to the person whose Mom once said that she had 2 only children. Because my brother and I fought horribly my entire childhood, right through high school. We barely interacted. So is that you want me to potentially introduce in my family too? I’ll get right on that for ya.” That usually got people to be embarrassed and drop it. So my advice is to come up with a quick witty answer and if they are rude enough to continue, find another very plausible reason that you are willing to let people know about, and make it painfully obvious. Maybe you could use something like a friend of mine did – “Oh, you want us to have more sex? OK, that sounds great! Should we do it right now, so you can supervise our attempts to procreate so it ends in pregnancy again?”

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, this. My sister and I are very different as people. We fought a lot as kids, although not as much as you and your brother probably did, and I do remember some good times, too. At some point in our early twenties, my sister said something like “if we weren’t related, we probably wouldn’t get along at all.” Now we have a good relationship, and I know that I can rely on her in a pinch, and she can rely on me.

        1. o_gal*

          Same here, but it’s taken decades. We were still not close in our 20’s and 30’s but since then it’s been much better, and our families even take some vacations together now. Honestly I blame my Mom, but it’s hard to say that, because she was trying to be fair. It’s just that our personalities clashed and he saw things one way and I saw them another. One Christmas (I was 8) I had begged for a new bike for months, and got to pick out the one I wanted, then had to wait until that morning. That morning I get up and there are 2 bikes under the tree. He also needed a bike, so my Mom thought it was fair that she get us both bikes. To him and my Mom it was a natural thing to do. To me, it was sort of a betrayal and made my present a lot less special.

    7. SoloKid*

      I am an only child and love it. Spending time primarily with adults helped me read and mature at a much earlier age.

      I don’t envy the “my sister is prettier” or “middle child syndrome” or “I don’t really want to have them in my bridal party” thoughts I’ve had to hear from my friends with siblings.

      Also, EVERY single set of siblings I’ve seen that had to deal with their parents’ deaths have been nothing but headaches around inheritance/elder care. Every single one.

    8. Good luck*

      “Wish we could” worked great for me. No follow up questions on that one, usually. It was true in my case but if it’s not true for you, you could try my other go-to, an over-the-top “In this economy?!” Now that she’s a grade schooler I also have success with “Have you seen how much this thing eats?!”

      It does get less over time.

    9. Emma*

      We have a preschooler, and previously struggled with infertility. I have wanted a second. But it’s none of people’s business! So when they ask, I say that we’re one and done, because with infertility we may be, but I really don’t feel like a) talking about it and b) people constantly wondering if I’m trying to get pregnant.

      So I feel perfectly at ease telling people we’re one and done even when we’re actively trying. Ask an invasive question, and you can have whatever response I feel like. You’re not entitled to my inner, private thoughts about this!

      1. Emma*

        So in your case I’d just say that you’re one and done because it works for your family. Or your family is the perfect size!

        And if people drill down about why you’re one and done, and you feel like responding, I would just say something about how expensive having a kid/childcare is, and how it’s been stressful raising a kid in the pandemic (because..yes!!!). And if they keep asking, say something like wow, you have a lot of thoughts about this! (Which, really, you can say at any point. Because it implies it’s inappropriate for them to be focusing on it, because it is!).

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        >You’re not entitled to my inner, private thoughts about this!

        Right on, sister! Standing ovation and a chorus of Amens!! MYOB on steroids to these Nosy Parkers. Clearly they need more activities to occupy their vacant minds.

    10. KatEnigma*

      No is a complete sentence. ;)

      But seriously, you could make a comment about it not being in the cards for you, and just refuse to go into any details at all. If they push, call out that it’s strange that they are so invested in your reproductive choices and that you don’t really want to talk about it.

    11. Double A*

      You could say, “There are health reasons it’s not happening and I’d rather not get into details.”

    12. Jean (just Jean)*

      I used to smile broadly and reply, “Oh, that’s up to G-d.” A tad dishonest (I was religious, but not that religious) but It Shut People Up Immediately. This was great because I definitely did not want a more detailed conversation! Fortunately the invasive questions disappeared over time, as my hair turned increasingly gray and our Beloved Only Child progressed from preschool to elementary school and beyond.

      Nothing wrong with being an out and proud atheist but if you are one, you’ll need to change my line to something without any Divine references, e.g., “If the universe makes it happen.”

      I do wish that I had had the courage to use one of the more assertive/positive lines suggested in this thread. “Our family is perfect for us” and “We’re fine as we are right now” are messages that more people need to hear. Family planning is nobody’s business except for the would-be parents and possibly their chosen reproductive health professionals and/or birth parents. Grrrr.

      1. GreatJoy*

        We have one son. We’d have loved more but health issues meant tough decisions. I use the “We’re done,” with a smile, and get the extremely frustrating, “We’ll see” as a response. Honestly, it makes me see red and much less likely to share any personal information! I have no answers, but a lot of sympathy.

    13. CharlieBrown*

      I would turn it right back on them. “No, we’re not. How about you? Are you going to have some more kids?”

      Yes, this could sound aggressive, depending on your tone, which you would want to adjust accordingly, depending on how rude people are being.

    14. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      There is a simple five word answer to these questions. “That’s none of your business”.

    15. marvin the paranoid android*

      I’m going to borrow my answer from an earlier thread and say that this is the kind of question that “What a question!” was made for, if you don’t feel like directly telling them to back off. I will never understand why so many people seem to think it’s okay to casually ask invasive questions about really personal stuff where the answer is almost guaranteed to be too intimate for the situation. I prefer not to give them the satisfaction of even a cursory explanation of something that they should know is none of their business.

    16. Morning reader*

      I have to wonder where or in what kind of community you live, because I have never in my life heard anyone who wasn’t a close, intimate friend, or an invasively snoopy mother, ask this question. It’s so blatantly rude. I would just stare silently, and let it become awkward.
      It’s possible I never had that question because I was a single parent. Strange that no one ever encourages unmarried women to have more children. Besides the awkward staring, that would be my recommendation, don’t be married and these little annoyances go away.

    17. Jay (no, the other one)*

      “This works for us!” and change the subject. If they persist, a Carolyn Hax-inspired “wow” will often shut them down. You are not obligated to share your reasons with anyone – and FTW your reasons are perfectly valid. There’s nothing shameful, aberrant, or otherwise wrong about having an only child. My husband has two siblings and I have one and all those relationships are fraught and stressful in various ways. My kid doesn’t have siblings. She has friends from babyhood who will be by her side forever in ways my brother will not for me.

      When she was little I got that question all.the.time. The honest answer is “we tried and the resulting trauma and loss almost broke us apart” and that is seriously no one’s business. It happened 18 years ago and I have fairly close friends who don’t know the details because I still can’t talk about it without crying.

      I’m also a mom by transracial adoption and it took me about a while to realize that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation about our family structure. If I was in a good mood, I dodged the question and changed the subject – “I love {kiddo’s} curls! Where did you get those sneakers?” If I wasn’t in a good mood and/or the nosy parker was someone I didn’t need to be polite to, I said “Wow. That’s a personal question” and walked off or turned away.

    18. Unchurched Heathen*

      People asked about my non-existent kids until my hair turned grey. My stock answer was “I haven’t been blessed as of yet.” and “God has not provided.”

    19. Venus McFlytrap*

      Here’s some I’ve used:
      – The only thing that got me through pregnancy and PPD/PPA was knowing I’d never have to do it again
      – I’m prioritizing my actual existing child over a hypothetical second one
      – My age and previous c-section make it more of a risk than I’m willing to take (people keep telling me I’m still young, but I’d technically be a geriatric pregnancy at this point and things only get harder with age in my experience)
      – Where would I put this second baby? My house only has 2 bedrooms
      – Are you offering to be a surrogate? Because that’s the only way this is happening.

      I’ve found that being brutally honest eventually gets the point across. Being pregnant and the first months after were the absolute worst experience of my life (even with an incredible partner and loads of familial support). I don’t regret it for a moment but I will never torture myself like that again. I will straight-up tell people that it was torture. I’m out of fucks to give at this point.

      A softer and yet more somber version of all that is the simple “I’m afraid I can’t have any more children” which will shut down at least some people.

      I’m an only child, so comments about how weird and lonely and stunted only children are get shut down pretty quickly just by reminding the speaker of this fact (heh) and adding that all the mental health problems I had/have wouldn’t have been made better by my parents having to split their attention.

      People might think it’s only the childless/childfree that get the “when are you having one”/”you’ll regret it if you don’t” comments but nope, you can literally still have a weeping scar and have people already be asking about the next one!

    20. Vistaloopy*

      I love all of the responses thus far – any of them are a great way to shut down this question. But, sometimes this question hits harder when you’re not comfortable with the answer (for example, if you really want more kids but are afraid you’ll go through PPA/PPD again). If that’s the case, a good therapist can help you process the aftermath of the postpartum mental illness, which can be traumatic. I am a survivor of severe postpartum depression and psychosis, and therapy was helpful in processing all of the feelings that came about after the recovery (including our decision not to have more than one child). Apologies if I’m reading too much into this – just wanted to offer my support as someone who went through this. And yes, nosy people suck!

    21. Esmeralda*

      I have just one fabulous kid.

      When people asked about a second, I said one of the following:
      Do I know you? (nosy people at the checkout)
      Oh, I don’t think we know each other well enough to discuss that.
      That’s a question. [then silence, let it hang and get awkward]
      Hmm? what? sorry, I drifted off, are we going to get some coffee or what?
      Oh, you never know!
      Hahahaha, yeah, no, I don’t have that kind of money.
      Nope. The one I have is excellent.
      Nope. The one I have is exhausting enough.

  29. Applesauced*

    I recently bought a house and it needs a lot of work.

    There’s a local hardware store with a super knowledgeable staff that we go to with questions. They are really great, except when we run into David who is TOO helpful.

    While I appreciate that David is trying to help and he enjoys teaching, the last time I was in he went off on a 20 minute lesson on the finer points of plastering, took a detour to the paint section to discuss his favorite kind of brush and how to clean it, when all I had asked is “where is the spackle?”

    My husband and I have joked about faking phone calls to get out of these conversations, or trying to find out David’s schedule so we can avoid the store when he’s working.

    Any better ideas to how to shut down an overly helpful salesperson?

    1. Qwerty*

      Get comfortable interrupting.

      You don’t have to stay for the 20min lesson on plastering. Say “thanks, but that’s more detail than I need today” or “sorry, I need to check out now”. You can be warm and friendly while cutting someone off. Grab your spackle and move to the register after you say this. If he’s working the register, he might carry on with his lesson while ringing you up, but as long as things keep moving you are getting what you need, then say “thanks, have a good day!” when he hands you your bag.

      If all this is happening before he shows you where the spackle is, then keep interrupting. “Sorry, we’re off track – which aisle is the spackle in?” “This looks like the paint section – which shelf is the spackle on?” “I don’t need a brush today, I’m looking for spackle”

    2. Morrigane*

      Learn to say no. It’s time for you to start interrupting him. It’s not being rude – he’s the one sucking up your time when you just needed to buy something. As soon as he starts going off-topic, just calmly state what you need and if he still won’t stop pontificating, be prepared to say “If you can’t help then I’ll need to find another staff member who can. Excuse me.” And then walk away.

    3. RagingADHD*

      You interrupt him and say, “Thanks, David, I don’t have time to chat. Just need spackle, please.”

      And if he keeps taking about things that aren’t spackle, you wave politely as you walk away and call over your shoulder, “Okay, thanks, I’ll find it myself.”

    4. B*

      Is he right about the advice he gives? If so- send him to me! The absolute ignorance of the sales people at my two local big “hardware” stores is appalling. The most they seem able to do is look up on their phone to see where the item is located(which I can also do) not what it is, how it is used or if it is the best tool for the project.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Tell him you don’t need help with anything. Then ask the next person you see- just make sure you are a couple aisles over.

      If you get stuck with him, tell him this is a quick thing and you don’t have time to chat. He shows you where the spackle is, you pick something and he decides to chat, you can remind him, “I don’t have time to chat, thanks for the help.”

      One thing I’d target is being dragged all over the store- or even just to one more area. “No, David, I am not walking all over the store when the spackle is right here.”

      Eh, my personality is such that I’d say something- “Well I want to know where the spackle is but I do not want to spend 20 minutes looking at other things that I do not need.”

      I worked a lot of retail. Even though it was a while ago, people were still pretty candid back then. “Don’t show me a bunch of stuff. I need spackle and then I need to LEAVE.” I never did show people a bunch of stuff that they did not ask about so I’d smile and say, “okay, over here.”
      They’d end up talking to me for 15 minutes. lol.

      You could mention it to the store manager. But if it’s a toxic place, David’s life just becomes more hellacious.

      I think I’d land on saying something like, “David, I like you and find you informative. If you ever do a class I’d consider attending. But right now, the BEST way you can help me is to get me out of the store FASTER.”

    6. CharlieBrown*

      I think you need to reframe this from “overly helpful” to “time wasting.” Remember, all the time he’s spending podcasting at you is time he could be (and probably should be) helping other customers. (Spoken as a former retail manager.)

      (As an aside to that—I was fine with floor employees spending a lot of time with customers if they were genuinely helping them. Some people have complex problems, or unusual problems that it takes time to figure out, or just take longer to understand things. It’s perfectly fine for employees to spend a lot of time with these customers. But it doesn’t sound like you’re that kind of customer.)

      It’s perfectly fine to interrupt him. It’s also perfectly fine to just walk away. “Sorry, I’m in a hurry, I’ll ask someone else,” and then walk away and do just that.

  30. Blueberry Jazz*

    How and how often do you clean your hairbrush? I have oily hair and use a very regular brush and a tangle teezer. They both het nasty really fast with the oil and the dry shampoo I use. I want my hair to say fresh longer but don’t know how to make sure my brushes don’t make it worse.

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I often take my brush into the shower with me and lather it in some shampoo. I rinse it, shake the excess water out of it and when I (partly) blow-dry my hair, I aim the blow-dryer at my brush a few times to dry it and then use the brush on my hair

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      This may not be the best method, but I put my brushes in the top tray of the dishwasher and run a cycle without the heated drying. Combs can go in the flatware basket. I probably wouldn’t try it on boar bristle brushes, but it works great on my plastic bristle brushes (which are all inexpensive and easily replaced if it did go horribly wrong).

    3. Chaordic One*

      I douse my combs and brushes with a cheap shampoo (the kind of shampoo that I don’t usually use very often myself because it is too drying) and then I let them sit in the bathroom sink to soak for about half an hour. Then before the water gets cold, I go and use the combs to remove any hair that is stuck in the brush, paying special attention to the where the bristles connect to the brush because that’s where shampoo and dirt (and probably dead skin cells) can collect. When there’s no hair left stuck in the brushes and they appear clean, I rinse them thoroughly and let them air dry. IME hair brushes only last about 3 or 4 years before they need replacing.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Shampoo. And as often as I notice that its dirty. Then, when its losing bristles, or isn’t coming clean nicely, I replace it.

    6. E*

      Do you use synthetic or natural brush? If natural, a lot of the advice here will damage your brush. The Wirecutter recently had a good article on how to clean a hairbrush – you can find it easily online.

      One piece of unsolicited that’s really helped my hair is a silk pillowcase. Supposedly helps distribute oil better. Also makes it less tangly so less need for brushing. Hope this helps!

  31. Liminality*

    I don’t have personal experience, but I did read an autobiography book once where they said a life coach was a good first step, and they moved on to an actual therapist when they realized they were getting into some sensitive subjects and the life coach isn’t held to hipaa privacy standards.

  32. Flowers*

    Not looking for medical advice but ways to immediately comfort an unpleasant side effect from a particular medicine while I try to get in touch with doctors (which could take days).

    The inside of my mouth is sore af from constant tongue biting and accidentally biting the sides while eating or talking. and now anytime I’m chewing I bite it by accident even while trying to be slow and careful. My tongue feels like there’s cuts on it. Google wasn’t much help.

    Any tips on getting through the next 2 days? it hurts to eat and talk.

    2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Oh that sounds painful! Especially since the parts you have accidentally bitten will swell up a bit and thus get in the way more easily…
      I think gargling with a numbing mouthwash could help you. You can find some at the pharmacy.
      Wishing you a quick recovery!

    3. Bubblewrap*

      Soft foods you don’t have to chew much? Mashed potatoes, soup, pudding, small pasta, ice cream. scrambled eggs, protein shakes, oatmeal.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And with the harder foods take the time to cut them up smaller so you do not have to chew as much. Meats that are thinly sliced (roast, chicken, turkey) always taste better to me anyway, but the thin slicing means less work for the teeth/jaw.

        You might also try soups or running things in a blender to eat with a spoon, or drink.
        I have a friend with chewing problems and he looks for ways to soften foods. Crackers to into soups for example. He’ll eat squash but not the skins. Likewise fruits (apples, peaches, pears) get peeled and sliced.

    4. LG*

      I’ve had issues with sores caused by biting my cheeks and tongue. I gargled with Colgate Peroxyl, which eased the pain quite a bit. It’s terrible to keep biting the sore spots over and over, but that’s how it always goes for me. My sympathies, and I hope you can find some relief.

    5. KatEnigma*

      I find that brushing my teeth and using a good mouthwash honestly helps any sore spots in my mouth. (Yes, it will sting like crazy at FIRST)

      1. A313*

        I do this, too. I also scrape the sore with my toothbrush, which of course hurts, but I’m convinced it helps it heal more quickly (by disturbing bad bacteria? by flushing out any food particles?). I also clean the insides of my cheeks with the toothbrush and use a tongue scraper.

    6. LNLN*

      I get relief from swishing warm salty water in my mouth. I use 1 t salt per 1 cup water. You can do this multiple times per day. Also, that mouth tissue is probably swollen, so try an over the counter anti-inflammatory medication. Hope you get relief soon!

    7. yes*

      Oragel or maybe spelled Orajel. numbs up the sore bits. Saved me several times. over the counter, at least where I live.

      1. Librarian of SHIELD*

        Orajel has a mouthwash, too. So if the ointment feels like too much, the mouthwash could still help. I find that it prevents mouth injuries from biting my tongue or cheek from turning into painful sores, too.

    8. Chaordic One*

      Salt water rinse and then foods that you don’t have to chew. Milkshakes, ice cream, gelatin, pudding, broth, consomme, and cream soups.

      1. EJ*

        Salt water is amazing. Also in the hospital oncology patients use a product called swish and swallow that can be found at some pharmacies. It isn’t a prescription but probably kept behind the counter. I would call pharmacies until you found one in stock. That stuff is amazing for mouth sores!

    9. Gnome*

      Maybe get some kind of plastic mouth guard – like for sports or sleep (you should be able to get something cheap that will last a couple days, maybe at the pharmacy). I have a weird thing due to my bite that means I nick my tongue periodically and then it smells slightly… Which rubs it against the pointy part that cut it… And when I wear my night guard (from the dentist for grinding my teeth)it always helps. I’ve put it in during the day at times and let the stupid thing heal.

      Obviously, you can’t do that when you’re at work or out and about, but at home and at night it could help.

    10. Chapeau*

      My doctor recommended pepto bismol (sp?). It costs the cuts and helps to keep stuff out. I just apply it with a cotton swab.

    11. Ruby*

      I have this happen when I eat too much salty food. Happened right before a vacation last time – what a bummer! Honestly what worked best for me was 1) not talking and 2) sticking cotton balls on the affected areas. I’d discard them to eat and then stick in a new set immediately. Canker sore medicine can provide relief as well. But honestly, the best thing is to just let your mouth rest and heal. Hope it heals soon!

    13. Eyes Kiwami*

      There is a gel-type medicine you can put on mouth sores, I got it from my dentist but there are also over-the-counter options. You can apply it with a Qtip and leave it. It feels kinda weird to have something in the mouth, but I notice a huge difference, both immediately–the sensitive area is covered and not aggravated–and if you leave it on overnight, the mouth can heal better.

  34. Tea*

    I got interested in noise-dampening earplugs because of the pow-wow letter, but forgot to write down the brands before it got deleted. Does anyone here have any recommendations for beginner’s earplugs? Preferably some that still allow conversations, just dampen the distracting background noise.

    1. Llama Llama*

      I use Macks and like them. Not really for loyalty but what’s available. I hate Target brand.

    2. acmx*

      Loop and Eargasm were two suggestions.

      Huh, guess I shouldn’t be surprised that a thread on Native Americans went downhill.

    3. Angstrom*

      earplugstore.com has an extensive page of musician’s earplugs.
      I’ve had better luck getting a good fit with foam than with reusables.

    4. mreasy*

      I have to sleep with earplugs because a) city b) snorer and I bought the Loop sleep version recently – they stay in all night and don’t give me as much discomfort as other brands. I mention because two of my good friends have noise sensitivity and use the Loop experience out in the world and love them. (Which is how I found out about the sleep version.)

  35. KoiFeeder*

    Alright, who does acupressure and how do I do it successfully on my face? There’s a point that seems to be really helpful at kicking my intestines into high gear, but it’s also very painful to the touch and even putting light pressure on it it’s difficult to keep up for 30 seconds much less a full minute.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Can you do a very light tapping instead? My chiro taps muscles that won’t relax and they seem to get in line almost immediately. He said one tap per second. Like you are saying here if he put pressure on that same spot, I’d probably create a new hole in his ceiling. But I can get through the tapping well.

        1. Gnome*

          Yes, really. I think there are also special ones, but I’ve had success with a regular one of moderate quality.

  36. time for cocoa*

    Commiserate with me in my struggles to declutter. What is the most ridiculous or inane thing you cannot bring yourself to throw out?

    1. Liminality*

      I have a piece of broken shower tile in my car that I was carrying around to try to match for replacement. (Long story about a near total mental breakdown over plumbing crisis omitted for brevity.)
      The project was completed successfully approximately five years ago, and as of This past April I don’t even own that home anymore.
      So why can’t I just toss this tile shard?
      Mostly ‘cause every time I see it I feel this wash of relief that ‘at least I’m not dealing with THAT right now!’

    2. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Old towels and blankets that are simultaneously too old and worn to still use as towels and blankets and also too nice and clean and fluffy to use as drop sheets or some other useful thing.

        2. Expiring Cat Memes*

          Great reminder, thanks :) I reckon I could easily part with them for that use. Though I want to say that the ease of me parting the animal shelter sans adoptee is rather less certain!

    3. Double A*

      Oh, I have young kids and delusions of how things can be used on crafts. Also one day I want to get chickens. So probably a box of toilet paper rolls and stacks of egg cartons. I swear they will be useful one day!!!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        “Delusions of crafts” is the explanation for almost every useless thing in my house lol

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          >”Delusions of crafts”
          *raises hand* Another self-kidding person with a small stash of mysterious objects.

      3. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        Oh, same! Latest thing in this category – my older kid does martial arts and brings home a broken board after every belt test. Do I have any woodworking skills or any idea what we could do with these? NO, but I’m saving them anyway!

        1. Feena*

          Former karate kid here! We put name and date on the 2 board parts, then laquered them to make drink coasters.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        When my kids were young I diligently saved all toilet paper tubes and shoe boxes. Recently came across a WONDERFUL wrapping paper tube, heavy cardboard, and I couldn’t help going and showing it to my now-21-year-old son, who allowed as how I had guessed right that this wasn’t something he really needed now.

    4. the cat's ass*

      5 salad bowls from the 50’s. They are really small so the salad flops out of them easily, AND i don’t know what kind of finish/varnish is on them so I don’t want to give them to anyone. But i can’t bring myself to use them OR toss them.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      A sterling silver dustpan. It was my mother’s. It’s a lovely piece of Art Nouveau silver which (I presume) was used to sweep up crumbs between courses at fancy dinner parties. I never saw my mother use it. I have certainly never used it. I will never use it. And it sits in my cabinet because a) it was my mother’s and I miss her and b) it’s really pretty and I keep thinking I’ll miss it if I – sell it? give it away? I don’t even know.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        That sounds lovely! Could you hang it on the wall, perhaps? I have an Art Nouveau silver dish (from my grandmother) that I hang on the wall and it looks wonderful. Very 3D and cool even when I don’t polish it.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          That’s an interesting idea! I’ll take it out and think about it. Thanks! I had a set of French copper pots that were my grandmother’s and finally sold them a few years ago because they weren’t usable for cooking and we had nowhere to hang them.

    6. bratschegirl*

      Keys which I can no longer identify. Not to our house, not to my dad’s, might possibly have been a previous house or some long lost padlock or or or… but I’m absolutely convinced that if I toss them, that which they open will then be revealed, and will be FOREVER INACCESSIBLE TO ME and this will be horrible and probably some unidentified small fluffy creature will die, all because I got rid of these d@mn keys.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        My parents moved and downsized. In the process, there was a sandwich size bag of keys. It was a lot. So I spent some time going around and checking keys on EVERYTHING. If it had a lock, I tested keys until I ran out of keys or found the key. I then either labeled the keys, left them in the lock they opened, and then when I was done – I threw out all the keys I couldn’t identify. And then I consolidated all the million key chains.

        Not a single key is missing so far, and my parents don’t even know I threw out a bag full of keys.

      2. mreasy*

        SAME with keys! I just don’t want to possibly never get into… I dunno the secret room full of money I guess they go to?

    7. Cat’s Cradle*

      A non-working minivan. Like an entire vehicle just sitting in our garage. It was my college vehicle and was my first taste of freedom from my abusive family so there’s a lot of emotion tied up in that van. At the same time it was an absolute money pit from the start, lacks important things like antilock breaks, air bags, ac, and, on occasion, tail lights, and left me stranded on the side of the road every 3-6 months when it was my daily driver.

      And yet I can’t abandon it. Sigh.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I bring you solidarity in the form of a 1984 Toyota Camry. It was my first car, and has several important pieces of history involving dead grandparents. It also has a non-working front blower that means it’s wildly unsafe to drive in defroster weather, and has sat gathering moss and degrading outside for 5 years as a result. I know it’s just a car-shaped pile of needs-to-go, but I went through a lot with that car.

        1. allathian*

          Not me, but my husband. We have a 1988 Volvo 740 just sitting in the carport for most of the year. It’s rear-wheel driven and has neither ABS brakes nor AC, and it’s obviously a manual so I don’t drive it. But my husband inherited it from his grandpa, and it has less than 100,000 miles on it, so he can’t bear to part from it. We have 3 other vehicles and could use the space.

      1. mreasy*

        When my husband and I moved, we spent a few hours going through our accumulated cables and getting rid of anything we couldn’t ID the use for. Now we have a bigger box of cables than ever though!!!

    9. marvin the paranoid android*

      I have a giant box of tampons that I will never use and apparently never throw out. They’re individually wrapped but the box is open so I can’t donate them. I can’t help but think that there is someone out there who could use them but I can’t think of a non-weird way to get them to that person.

      1. Jessica*

        I work at a college and the women’s bathroom in our building had a shelf/ledge where I was able to put them, so it was a great way to give this stuff away—for a short time we just became like one of the fancy hotels with free tampons in the bathrooms!

      3. Emily Elizabeth*

        If you’re looking to part with it: where I live there is a charity that creates packs of period products for schools, shelters etc. All they require is that it be individually wrapped so that might be an option. Or I always try random stuff like that in my Buy Nothing group!

      4. marvin the paranoid android*

        Haha, thanks for the suggestions! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get rid of these things, so it’s good to have some ideas. Part of why I’ve been putting it off is that I’m trans (hence not needing them anymore) so openly giving them away or posting that I have them makes me kind of uncomfortable. I’d prefer to just stash them somewhere and run but since the box is open I’m not sure how many people would be comfortable using them.

        1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

          I sometimes leave products on a table in the locker room at work (we have a dozen student workers). They eventually get used, even the hand lotions. Whoever uses them will appreciate them.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          You could phrase it as “a former roommate left these at my house, and I’m not going to use them” as you try to hand them off, if you want an easy explanation for why you have them. That seems like an acceptable amount of social obfuscation in a situation like this, and I’m guessing a shelter or food bank would still take them given that story.

    10. TeaFiend*

      Old clothes from my late teens/early twenties. I’m two sizes bigger now and can’t see myself fitting them ever again, but I can’t let go of them because there are some lovely pieces and I’ll be damned if I ever magically lose 10kg and don’t have those clothes anymore. I’m also way too attached to them to pass them on to anyone close to me.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Oh, this so much. My issue is not just size (both too large and too small), but the fact most of the clothes don’t go with anything I wear now, or would feel plain uncomfortable. Especially the cropped tops and very low-waist jeans I wore in the early to mid 2000s!

        The first time I cleared out the cupboards at my parents’ house, I still ended up keeping a fair bit of stuff. Surprise, I wore almost none of that over the following five or so years.

        I had another go this summer, and still ended up keeping a (now very select) few things I’m attached to. It still seems a bit foolish. I can very well imagine gaining weight again as I age, but does that really mean I’ll want to wear those dark flared jeans I loved at the age of 20 and monitored in stores for months until they went on half-price sale?

        1. mreasy*

          Terrible news, low rise, flared jeans are back in style! They were difficult enough for me to handle when I was in my 20s…this time I will simply wait things out.

          1. time for cocoa*

            I am so psyched for the return of low-rise! I cannot stand anything pressing on my stomach, so mid-rise and high-rise pants are a misery.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        I got rid of a bunch of these in 2017…and then later in 2017 I went on a new medication and very unexpectedly lost 15kg! Aaaaarrrrrrrrrgh.

      3. marvin the paranoid android*

        Oh, I have some of these too. They aren’t actually anything special objectively speaking, they just have sentimental value. I was pretty underweight in high school so it’s for the best that none of them are likely to fit again, but I’ve been thinking about sewing them into something.

    11. E*

      So glad you posted this! A German cookbook my grandmother gave me from early 1900s that is totally falling apart, not in a language I speak, and anyway I’m vegetarian where the author were most definitely not . Can’t figure out the right way to liberate this from my house – ideas are welcome if there’s some place this would be a good donation, but it being in bad condition (spine broken and cover falling off but pages very thin but all still there and intact) makes me wonder

    12. Unchurched Heathen*

      A drawer full of broken watches. My grandmother had one and I couldn’t figure out why. There is no why. and now that I think about it…perhaps a craft project with them.

    13. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      The random rocks I have picked up over the years. Each one reminds me of the place or occasion where I found them. Some have cool features, like hag stones and fossils. Others are from places I lived. I try to find a roundish stone before I move, especially if I think I will never be back again. I have a bowlful now. I’m not into rock painting and most would be unsuitable for that anyway.

  37. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Gardening thread: what’s happening in your green space, or what problems are you up against?

    I recently gave myself a temporary ban on buying anything new for my indoor and undercover spaces. Trying to declutter and also save money so I’m reusing/repurposing/up-cycling what I already have and replanting from seeds and cuttings only. So far I’m very happy with my homemade stake and stick trellises, and some of my sickly plants have unexpectedly started bouncing back well with the right level of attention.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      We finally have had some rain after a summer of drought. I have violets and primroses blooming! I hope they’ll be OK in the spring, but it was such a nice surprise to see them.

    2. Missb*

      I’m already looking forward to my 2023 garden. I’ve been noting what grew well and what didn’t. I’ve ordered in seeds to fill in some holes.

      I was hoping to go out and get some compost on the beds, but have yet to find the time or energy to do so. I’ll have to get it done next weekend in order to get my garlic planted.

      Otherwise, I’m busy organizing my basement, which includes all of my garden gear. Should be busy most of the winter with that.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Weeds. They’re a never-ending struggle in my garden. I spent all of last Sunday morning ripping them out, and I know in a few weeks’ time I’ll have to do it again or the garden will look unkempt.

      Weed killer doesn’t particularly work. It kills some of the weeds that pop up between paving tiles, but then more grow back (I’d love to just retile and regrout, but that’s way too expensive right now). Also, it’s not really a solution in the flower beds, where we do want other stuff to grow. I think the main issue is seeds that get carried by the wind, and I’m clueless how to make things better. Has anyone found their remedy?

      1. Bobina*

        This is one where I think local advice might be more helpful (depends on the weed!) for you. I feel like I push Reddit a lot here, but I’ve found my local area gardening subreddit to be really great for things like this. Or ofcourse, the local garden centre if you have one.

        For the flower bed, some approaches might be: plant flowers that can outcompete the weed. Some kind of ground covering so that they cant root (eg bark)

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Not remedy unfortunately, just commiseration! Half our back yard is pavers sprouting with weeds between the cracks and it’s impossible stay on top of it. I’m in Australia and we’re coming into another la nina summer so it’ll be perfect weed growing weather and also too wet for weed killer to work. But, when it does get a chance to shine our summer sun is fierce so I’m thinking of trying black plastic over the lot for a few weeks to cook the seeds.

        I did buy a tool called a “wonder weeder” though on a recommendation here to try a paver hook. Turns out to be pretty useless on weeds with deep tap roots (which is all that grows in the pavers), but it does work well on young sprouting weeds in friable soil. Bonus: my back prefers that it’s a long handled one you can use standing up. I’d recommend trying something like that for your flower beds maybe?

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I’ve done well getting single-tap-root weeds out with a “grandpa’s weeder”, but that’s in lawn rather than paving.

          For paving, the best suggestions I’ve heard are boiling water (if you aren’t in a water shortage) or a blowtorch if you’re sure the flames won’t spread. I controlled blackberry vines semi-successfully with boiling water at a previous home, by which I mean it worked as well as anything else did. The advantage of water over chemicals is that it’s animal-safe as soon as it cools down. I just boiled a kettle of water, dumped it on the crown of the blackberries in question, and repeated a few times while swearing. Made a nice green cooking smell so it at least felt like I was doing something.

    4. Bobina*

      I’m going to a plant market today despite the fact that I’ll be moving again soon and really shouldnt be buying anything!

      But otherwise I’m kind of intruiged by how my indoor begonia seems to be responding to its new environment. Its getting a lot more light and I think it really likes it, its also sending out loads of flowers which I wasnt really expecting at this time of year!

      Otherwise I continue my quest of trying to grow ginger. I can usually get them to root and start growing okay, but they always seems to get to about 10cm tall and then start dying and I’m not sure why exactly. I googled the symptoms (browning, dry leaf tips) and apparently its either sun scorching (which…seems a bit unlikely) or not liking the water which….not sure if I can do much about if thats the case!

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I’ve found that browning and dry leaf tips are *usually* a watering issue: either too much or too little, the symptoms often look the same. Bulbs can be very fussy about how much water they like and when in their growing cycle, I wonder if it’d help to look into that a bit further?

        1. Bobina*

          Ooh good point. Yeah, its tricky because the leaves are also curled which to me is a classic underwatering symptom – but I’ve been trying to keep the soil moist because thats what the advice I read says so not sure why it should be underwatered! Time to experiment and let it dry out a bit more I guess!

    5. allathian*

      My son’s home on fall break and I took a couple days’ vacation. We planted some bulbs in the garden with my MIL on Thursday.

    6. Rose is a roseis a rose*

      It’s raining! I’m in coastal BC, Canada, and we have not had real rain since . . . June? I finally planted out some seed-grown perennials today in anticipation of them getting a proper drenching overnight. I planted out Russian sage, white sage, coastal mugwort, and Oregon sunshine. I still have more potted things to plant out before it gets really cold, and I am gathering up mature seeds to save for next year (sweet pea,calendula and scabiosa today).

  38. Lifelong student*

    Not really seeking medical advice- I will be discussing this with my provider. I am however looking for any known techniques to avoid a problem.

    The problem is that my arms and hands go numb while I am sleeping- and become painful enough to wake me up when I toss and turn. The feeling comes back into them when I get up or move position. I can’t control what my body does in my sleep and I often find myself with my arms crunched under me. I do have some circulation problems but I have been told in the past that those do not normally cause pain in the arms- although I have had several procedures for circulation problems in my legs. Anyone else have to deal with this? Any tips or questions I should ask my providers?

    1. LuckySophia*

      When I was recovering from a broken arm, a practitioner suggested I sleep on my back with a pillow under my head as normal, but also place a pillow on each side of my torso to support each arm — to keep me from rolling onto my side while I was asleep. Maybe try sleeping like this and see if it prevents you from rolling into a position where your arms are underneath you?

      1. Imtheone*

        I agree. My arms sometimes get numb from some positions but proponents g the lower part on a pillow helps.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I have carpal tunnel syndrome and I use night splints (? Apologies if that’s not word) and it keeps the tingling in check. However, I have never had pain nor has the tongling ever woken me up at night.

      1. the cat's ass*

        came here to say that maybe it’s carpal tunnel? Maybe coming from your cervical spine? Maybe ask your PCP for xrays and some physical therapy? Hope this is allowed.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Ditto!

        For me it’s mild carpal tunnel although if I regularly ride my bike (yay exercise) it’s much less mild. At night when I sleep I always curl up and sometimes bend my wrist.

        Wrist splints that keep you from bending your wrist work great for me to prevent it. I bought one for each wrist at a Walgreens or CVS.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes I need an adjustment from a chiro when this happens. Other times it can be a shortage of minerals or vitamin B.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This happened to me too! I was unconsciously trying to support my back and neck more by using the hand that was on top to push down on the bed while I was sleeping. My big ol’ u-shaped pregnancy support pillow from Queen Rose (am not pregnant, just fat and needing more support while I sleep) did help some — when I’m on my side, I try to remember to stick one arm over the pillow and one arm under it.

    5. Firebird*

      I had similar symptoms that turned out to be caused by bone spurs under both of my clavicles that were pressing on nerves when I lay down.

      Are you getting any temporary paralysis or shaking along with the numbness and pain? When I was vertical my hands would shake when I held a glass to drink. Paralysis occurred when I lay down or pressed my back against the back of my chair.

      Until I had surgery (with wonderful results) I would prop myself into position with sofa cushions and pillows to keep me in the least painful position. I had to make it so I couldn’t possibly move by accident.

      It might help to sleep in a recliner, so you can adjust the angle and may move less in your sleep.

    6. E*

      If you are a side sleeper and this only happens on the side you’re sleeping on, I’d recommend a softer mattress. This used to happen to me bc the pinned arm was effectively having its circulation cut off by being pressed against a hard mattress.

      Also do you look at phone on your back before sleep? This makes my arms tired and numb.

      If it happens to both arms regardless of position though I think you should see a doc

    7. FashionablyEvil*

      Ugh, this has happened to me with both of my pregnancies and it sucks. In addition to more supportive sleeping positions and wrist braces, upper body weight training (especially farmer’s carries) and DIY massage with a foam roller or Yoga Tune Up balls from your neck to your wrists can help create extra strength and mobility on your arms.

    8. Ann Ominous*

      I have thoracic outlet syndrome and my arms go numb with pressure.

      If the numbness happens when you go to sleep and crunch your arms under you, how about taping a tennis ball to the front of your shirt so you stay on your back or side? Or making a pillow fort/wall to keep you from sleeping on your front?

  39. Beebee*

    I don’t know if this is the place to say it but the ask the readers thread from Thursday being closed, then reopened with only a pinned blue comment from Alison is not great. I wish she had made a post directly addressing when and why she did this as it is it feels like she isn’t owning the error in a way where people will actually catch what went wrong. The only thing I saw was a small thread in the Friday comments which makes it feel like she would not have addressed it if someone didn’t ask, and even now is not properly owning her mistake. If someone didn’t know to go and reopen the original comment section, they would not know what happened.

    Just my two cents in case Alison reads this so that this kind of situation can hopefully be avoided in the future

    1. CharlieBrown*

      I feel as if she explained herself quite well in her pinned comment. Perhaps she has rewritten it since you’ve read it?

      2. Dr. Doll*

        Agree. She responded to feedback, fixed something, and explained publicly in the relevant place. That is infinitely more than most people do regarding missteps.

        1. Beebee*

          Oh i agree the comment addressed things but it is under the thread as opposed to it’s own actual post or even an edit to the original post. It feels like anyone who didn’t see it could easily miss what happened — a direct post would have let everyone know what mistakes were made. I know in the past Alison has specifically edited posts to say “hey y’all made a mistake sorry!” and I wanted to express disappointment the same wasn’t done here as it feels dismissive / sweeping under the rug. I truly wouldn’t know anything had happened if I hadn’t noticed the comment count changing on the post.

          1. Dr. Doll*

            This was an ask the readers post. If anyone wants to know more, they click on comments and Alison’s correction is the first thing they see.

            She corrects in the post if she has given an answer that turns out to be a problem.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            How is putting the explanation somewhere else going to be more visible than putting it right there, pinned at the top of the thread, in a highlighted shade, where anyone looking at the thread will see it?

            2. Part timer*

              Because if she edited the actual post and put it at the top there, people who don’t click to the comment section would see it? Are you really being serious with that “how would it be more visible elsewhere?”

    2. Emma*

      Geez. No idea what specific thing you’re talking about, but Alison is a person, and this is a free website. Let her run it however she wants. If it’s not working for you, then don’t visit the website as much or at all.

      1. Aglamant*

        I think you should investigate the issue before commenting. The post was harmful, the comments even more so, and Alison’s actions are exacerbating that harm. She can run the site how she wants, of course, but I’d really hope that “how she wants” isn’t by causing pain and suffering to Indigenous peoples! If it is, then we should all stop reading the site right now, because that it utterly abhorrent.

        1. CharlieBrown*

          Oh, please. Have you read her comment? Her later actions were because she wanted to avoid precisely that: causing pain and suffering. I think you’re being a bit over the top here.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think @Alison should delete this comment before the thread blows up. My own opinion is that she took all reasonable steps given that she was literally in the middle of a family emergency, and she circled back when she was able. The explanation currently on the Thursday thread is quite clear.

    4. Double A*

      I missed this post originally but just went back and read it and it makes perfect sense to me what happened.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I mean, she’s dealing with a family health emergency so I think it’s reasonable for her to shut down the thread to deal with later and then add a minimal explanation when she could. The pinned comment clearly shows that she recognizes the mistake and intends to do better, which is exactly what I would want from someone in this situation (at least as a first step).

      I’m confused by your comment about someone not knowing to go and read it… Like if you didn’t know there was an issue why would you seek it out? If you did open the comments the first thing you’d see is her explanation so how would you not know what happened? I didn’t read any of the comments on that post and her comment still makes sense to me.

    6. Fit Farmer*

      I wasn’t reading the Thursday thread on Thursday, but it sounds like there might be a big disconnect in understanding of what happened, since you have a wildly different view than the replies so far here. I went and looked at the Thursday thread and her note seems…completely mundane, through, sensible, and in fact addresses the concerns you mention (what went wrong that she fixed with deletions and a big note, and that she made a mistake in posting the question for a Thursday open-comment). Perhaps there’s something to do with timing or an issue I can’t see, but regardless I’m pretty sure that few people are interested in discussing it further here on the weekend thread.

    7. KatEnigma*

      Not only is Alison a human, she’s one with stuff going on in her personal life. If you can’t grant her grace and understanding, and want her to flagellate herself to some point that makes you feel satisfied, perhaps you should examine that desire. Because it’s not terribly flattering.

      Personally, I saw that post on Thursday and wouldn’t touch it with the proverbial 10 ft pole. But then about a year ago, I sat in what was supposed to be a reconciliation seminar as part of a larger meeting where they put one token indigenous person at each table who had to listen to non indigenous people tell her how she should feel, and I’m the ONLY ONE who spoke up at how very sorry I was that someone put her in that position and how we were doing to exact opposite of reconciliation… But it’s an easy mistake to make if you’re not living among indigenous people! (The person’s idea this was, I totally judge because HE should have known better, as he’s lived and served on a reservation for decades!!!)

    8. Unkempt Flatware*

      Allison has never ever let us down so she deserved a lot more Grace than what she was given regarding this situation. We have let Allison down so so often as commentariat and she still acts with grace. During this time in Allison’s life, especially, I hope folks will offer her a lot of the grace she has shown us. Give her more time next time.

      2. No thank you*

        What in the parasocial…

        I’m sorry to hear that Alison’s going through a rough time with her family. That’s hard, and I sympathize. That being said, the white lady with a large audience is not the wronged party here. Isn’t it funny how it’s usually marginalized people who are asked to extend “grace” to people in positions of privilege who are “working to get it right”?

        1. fhqwhgads*

          OK but, absent a time machine, what would you have her do? She took it down to stop the spiral, acknowledged she was in the wrong, and apologized. She’s in the middle of a family emergency. Other than not posting it at all in the first place, which is not possible at this point, what would be better to do now?

          1. Beebee*

            The exact thing I originally said — she should’ve at least edited the post, if not made a new one explaining what went wrong. It’s an easily correctable thing that would have made the aftermath of the situation a lot better. As it stands, if you look at that post you’d have no idea why it was not appropriate (unless it’s been edited since to include what the pinned comment said).

            1. AGD*

              Thank you for speaking up in spite of the number of very defensive comments. This is just my opinion, but I’d say you’ve made an excellent suggestion and I hope that when Alison has a minute to think about it, she takes it. Her situation is horrifying, and how dismissively we the settlers have automatically treated Indigenous people from the start is also horrifying. This request isn’t about trying to make anyone punish themselves in public the way the kneejerk reactions are seeing it – it’s about asking Alison to be a little more careful in a way that would make a huge difference. My heart goes out to everyone.

        2. CharlieBrown*

          Is it possible for you to admit that there could be two wronged parties here–the Indigenous community for the original post, and Alison, for the flack that she’s been getting even after she’s attempted to correct her mistake.

          Alison does have a large readership, and she can actually help bring attention to Indigenous and other issues that might otherwise be swept under the rug. And yes, she can also be an example of how not to handle things, as has happened here. Others can learn from her mistake.

          But I really feel like some people will not be happy until Alison throws herself onto a flaming pyre. If people are that upset, I respectfully suggest that they take a break from reading this blog.

          1. Coconutty*

            This is ridiculously hyperbolic. Nobody is asking her to throw herself on a pyre. Beebee’s original post was perfectly reasonable and measured, and so many people here are responding in wildly disproportionate and accusatory ways. You can disagree with them without acting like a stranger who runs a website you read must be above reproach.

            1. AGD*

              I agree with this. We seldom see angry mocking rhetoric like this on AAM, except if BIPOC are saying “hey, heads-up that this wasn’t very cool and could have been improved upon,” in which case there will be textbook White Fragility trying to shut it down. It’s a big double standard that racialized people are accustomed to, but we’d all be better off without it, and seeing it is dismaying.

          2. KatEnigma*

            This exactly. She made a mistake. She apologized, explained and I assume won’t make that mistake again. She was wrong. Full stop. She doesn’t deny that or downplay it.

            But continuing to harp on it until someone (who is likely not indigenous) thinks she has suffered “enough” does nothing for indigenous peoples. And if you are a non- indigenous person acting this way, shouldn’t you be more careful of your glass house?

          3. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Hey y’all. I appreciate the discussion but I am not a wronged party here and I don’t want anyone to claim that on my behalf. (I’m also not in a position to engage anymore about this right now and likely won’t again on this post.)

          4. No thank you*

            It is certainly possible, but I just don’t think it’s the case. “Wronged” implies someone has failed to live up to their responsibilities. I really don’t think Alison’s audience has an obligation to be extend “grace” to her when she makes an easy to avoid hurtful mistake, rather than asking her to take some pretty standard steps to correct it clearly and publicly. Especially since it’s not the first time.

            This blog has been running for many years and positions itself as offering advice on a number of DEI topics. It’s not unreasonable to ask for basically the principles of DEI 101 to be followed.

            1. Jackalope*

              I think the issue is more that *in the middle of a personal crisis* she posted a letter that was a bad judgment call. And once she realized it she did the best she could, all the while still dealing with the *family crisis* that was going on in the background. As someone who has dealt with similar crises in the past, I can tell you that it makes it hard to concentrate and manage anything outside of the issue taking your whole attention.

              If you are upset about this, you of course have no obligation to keep reading the blog. That’s a choice for any of us at any time. But if you expect people to be perfect you will be disappointed. All of us, including those who have a wide internet audience, mess up sometimes. Particularly in the area of DEI there is no one who fits into every single minority category and every single person I’ve seen trying to discuss these issues online has managed at some point in time to make mistakes around groups that they aren’t in. If you don’t want to extend grace to someone who recognizes their mistakes, apologizes, and does the best that they can to fix up the mistake (again, while in the middle of a personal crisis), then I don’t know what to tell you.

              1. My name is Tim Kono*

                Those in a personal crisis could do various things to mitigate such as:

                Run less posts (AAM does a lot of posts per day)
                Run posts which are not going to create a potential sh.tstorm (a lot of people could see the Thursday post being problematic from a mile away)
                Go back to basics
                Take a leave of absence
                Get someone in to temp run the website/moderate comments
                Post as normal but close comments if bandwidth/no spoons to deal with comments regularly and only have some posts open to comments

                If things outside of this site are that terrible for AAM and her family, then she should free herself up to spend as much time with family rather than at work and dealing with nonsense from comments. When all is said and done, who ever wishes they spent more time at work (& this is work for AAM) rather than being with loved ones?

                1. Jolene*

                  I love a purity spiral at any time, but when the tail starts trying to eat the head it makes the spectacle extra-delicious. The purity police will always turn on you!

        3. Eyes Kiwami*

          Couldn’t agree more. Alison is putting content out there into the world, and trying to advise people what is the right thing to do–she could have easily run a repost like she has in the past, or not put up anything at all. She made a bad call, and she is working to fix it, but it’s completely valid for people (especially Indigenous people!!) to ask her to do more or differently.

          Why does the white lady with the platform get “grace” (from her white-majority audience) for a mistake harming POC? Seriously, getting some critical comments is the mildest form of feedback.

    9. peasblossom*

      I think this is a very measured and careful request to what was a pretty troubling post and set of comments. The fact that there likely should be more said (perhaps as an introduction to the reposted post?) is made evident by the commenters’ responses to Beebee here. The efforts these posts make to privilege Alison’s feelings above any objection, even one as mild as this, is troubling.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I have gotten good advice from this blog, both via Alison and the commenters. I’ve also seen somewhat problematic things from both. She’s a human being with all that implies, good and bad, and has her own blind spots. And yet I do see a fair amount of commenters act like she’s above criticism somehow. I’m happy to extend the benefit of the doubt, and I’m grateful for the blog, but she’s just a person – not an all-knowing advice giving god.

  40. Prospect Gone Bad*

    I am so annoyed that I can’t fix a basic thing. Help! So all of a sudden my phone wants me to constantly and constantly enter and reenter and reenter my google user name and password on anything from youtube to my bank website or even just doing google searches. The internet makes it sounds like clearing the cache fixes it but that didn’t work. Help! This is so frustrating you have no clue

    2. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Sounds like your phone is blocking cookies, maybe? Check out the tools in your phone to see or Google your issue.

  41. Bummed*

    My kiddo is in early elementary. The school had an event that was open to parents. I planned to stop by, say hi, and do the same with the siblings. I entered this kiddo’s room to find my child crying with the teacher standing across the room watching. I was confused and expected her to come over and tell me what had happened but never acknowledged me or my child. There was a verbal disagreement between my child and another child is what my child stated happened and that’s why they were crying.

    In hindsight, I could have asked her what happened, but based on some of my previous attempts at getting her to communicate more have backfired, I did not want to cause issue during the event.

    I’m frustrated in the sense that a teacher saw a child crying and did not acknowledge them. No one did. Even if it wasn’t my child, I find it heartless. I know children need to learn to problem solve and self regulate, but not even all adults can grasp those concepts yet kids are expected to do it? As a teacher, I understand the various balls being juggled, but why they lack of compassion?

    Am I too sensitive to think that if someone is crying, someone would check on them?

    1. KatEnigma*

      The teacher was watching your child- she wasn’t ignoring her. I think she was probably watching to see if she needed to intervene. But then you walked in.

    2. CharlieBrown*

      Little kids can cry a lot, but that’s because they don’t have the knowledge needed to deal with a lot of situations. I feel that if she’s a teacher, she should understand this, and address the situation.

      If there is a history of this teacher doing stuff like this, I think I would pull my kid from their classroom.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      It sounds like there’s some more context about this specific teacher’s interactions with you and your child, but I wouldn’t automatically assume anything negative based on this situation in general. Kids need time to cool down and sometimes trying too hard to comfort them or find out what happened can actually escalate the situation.

      Last week I had a kid barricade himself under a desk and start stabbing the floor/some paper with a pencil. I ignored him and kept teaching. When the class started an assignment I asked him if there was anything I could do to help, he said no, I ignored him the rest of the period. It might make me look really cold and callous but I know this kid has a history of outbursts that could harm him or others, and it was not safe to try to get him out from under the desk with other kids in the room.

      I’m not saying your kid would’ve become dangerous or that the teacher shouldn’t have approached them, just that it wasn’t objectively wrong.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I guess I also wonder if you asked your child how the teacher had responded to the situation, or what else the teacher was doing. Was she literally just standing there watching from a distance, or was she greeting parents/handing out supplies/talking to the other child/etc? Even when I really want to check in with an upset student I can’t just stop everything in the middle of class for them. When I have a kid crying I usually check in with them to show I care and/or suggest a coping strategy, then get the rest of the class working on something before I check in again. An “ignored” crying child is never actually being ignored by me, but they’re not the only student I’m responsible for.

      2. Bummed*

        Teacher here too, I’ve had kids where I ignored outbursts or they want time to process their feelings, but when a parent would walk in and see their child, I’ve made sure to communicate the situation. School is a partnership.

        And I think that’s where other parent and I are dumbfounded, even if she watching it, why not inform me? Why not help a child work through a problem solving process?

        Yes, there’s more context to the interactions. The other parent and I have ignored a lot of issues due to the subjective nature and her being a new teacher.

        1. Patty Mayonnaise*

          I completely agree that the teacher should have acknowledged you whether or not she was ignoring your child. I am also a former teacher and if a parent came in when their kid was crying, we would explain the situation and the strategy we were using and why, even if it was leaving them alone to cry (which was rare!). I find these other comments a tad odd honestly! Sure a teacher might ignore a child crying for various reasons but they should check in with the parent if they come in the room. You could have asked the teacher but it makes you didn’t with the additional context.

    4. Green Lady*

      I think you are jumping to a lot of conclusions based on very little information, and you didn’t bother to ask questions to clarify the situation at the time. You don’t know how long your child had been crying, what had actually happened prior to your entering the room, or what would have happened if you hadn’t entered. And it seems like you weren’t willing to engage with the teacher to address the situation.

      If you are genuinely concerned, the best way to approach this is to ask to speak with the teacher, describe what you saw and how you felt, but acknowledge that you didn’t have the full story, and ask them to help you understand what happened. And then be willing to listen with an open mind. Hopefully, you will be able to get some insight that will put your mind at rest.

      2. Bummed*

        Unfortunately, these types of incidents have been occurring where we’ve met with her and expressed out concern with the lack of communication. We were informed of them by our child and other staff members yet she has not reached out. We met with the principal about this as well.

        I was simply asking about one specific question.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Perhaps she expected you to come over and ask her what was happening, or go over to your child, and hung back precisely because you were hanging back.

      It seems like a very awkward kind of standoff, with your child in the middle of two adults who are both ignoring the child because of differences they have with each other.

    6. Irish Teacher*

      It sounds like it’s the context here that makes it concerning. In general, many people, perhaps most people, would often prefer it not to be acknowledged when they are crying over something minor. Having somebody come check on you or tell your parents you are crying is often pretty embarrassed and I know, as a child, I would generally have been pretty angry if a teacher had done either of those things. Her reaction sounds like it would be appropriate in many situations from an otherwise capable and compassionate teacher.

      I definitely don’t think giving people some privacy when they are upset indicates a lack of compassion or that people should always be checked on if they are crying. I think that REALLY depends on the context. People who are upset often need time alone.

      As regards why not help the child through problem solving, well, it’s not necessary in every situation. Sometimes children are dealing just fine with the issue themselves, even if they are crying.

      But given your previous interactions with this teacher, it sounds like you have good reason not to trust she was making the best decision in the circumstances, especially since you presumably know your own child and know if she is somebody who would welcome an adult’s comfort when crying or if it would be more upsetting for her than the initial problem and presumably, the latter is not true.

      So while the issue in itself sounds like one that could be completely appropriate and even the correct, sensitive, tactful thing to do, it sounds like there is context that makes it unlikely it is in this situation and that the problem is more to do with the overall context and lack of communication from the teacher.

    7. matcha123*

      Early elementary school kids cry about stuff all the time. A teacher can’t stop a class and comfort each and every student the moment they cry. They would never be able to get through a lesson.
      I’m going to take a guess that this is your first child?
      I notice that first-time parents really see their child’s preschool, kindergarten, first grade teachers are secondary parents and they want the teachers to engage with their child in the loving and comforting way they imagine they engage with their own child.

      Of course teachers should pay attention and be sensitive to children’s needs, but parents can have really unrealistic expectations of how much “love” a teacher should be providing their child over other children.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Some people, including small kids, want most to be left alone to get a handle on their feelings. The other person’s feelings about their feelings is a whole ‘nother huge problem to solve. Your child may have asked for this, or the teacher may have seen it work with them.

  42. Prospect Gone Bad*

    Anyone ever find a blog or longer articles or journal type entries about the journey to finding out you had food sensitivities, intolerances, or allergies. I am googling and am finding endless 5-point check lists of the same vague symptoms that don’t say anything specific and it’s not helping

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe see if you can find some Australian sources? They do a lot of work with those issues in Australia.

  43. CharlieBrown*

    Little kids can cry a lot, but that’s because they don’t have the knowledge needed to deal with a lot of situations. I feel that if she’s a teacher, she should understand this, and address the situation.

    If there is a history of this teacher doing stuff like this, I think I would pull my kid from their classroom.

  44. Slap Bet Commissioner*

    Halloween thread! What is your (and/or your kiddo’s) costume going to be this year? Are you doing anything fun that you are looking forward to? did you do creative yard decorations this year?
    Actually going to a friend’s house this year- first time going out for the holiday since pre-pandemic so I’m excited.
    Hubs and I like to do funny but low-effort costumes- and they are usually TV themed, because we watch WAY too much TV. Last time (2019) we went as Fleabag and Hot Priest. This year I think we have finally landed on the McMurrays from Letterkenny (I have very little in common with Mrs. McMurray, but I have to admit I do LOVE a good Gin and Tonic haha).

    1. KatEnigma*

      The 5 yr old finally settled on The Cat in the Hat, so hubby and I are doing an easy Thing One and Thing Two, with tshirts and blue fuzzy wigs off of Amazon. I tried on his costume to make sure it fit, and he immediately complained about the hat.. which I pointed out, he can’t be The Cat in the Hat without the HAT.. LOL

    2. GoryDetails*

      My yard is so horribly overgrown that I’m thinking of strewing it with those fake cobwebs and maybe a ghost or two and pretending I did it on purpose. (“My Halloween yard: only five years of neglect in the making!”)

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      My kids are both being witches and have been running around cackling to practice, lol. I want to dress up but don’t have any good ideas or the time/energy to come up with something so I will probably reuse a simple mermaid costume from a couple years ago (metallic scale leggings and a seashell headband).

      Going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow! It was too smoky last weekend and now of course it will be muddy, but I’m so grateful the rain is finally here.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Haha amazing! 4yo has specifically informed me she does NOT want to be a green witch so we got some body glitter instead :)

      2. bluecheeseandbrie*

        when my kids were young and I needed easy costumes I did either a sun pinned on a blue sweatshirt or a moon pinned on a black sweatshirt. The sun or moon was cut out of the side of a cereal box. I made the moon shiny by covering in tin foil. Can’t remember how I made the sun yellow.

    4. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I do music theme every year because I love Halloween and he loves music. It gets him more excited about the whole thing. So this year we’re doing Elvis! He’s gonna be 1950’s Elvis (Jailhouse Rock) and I am doing fat, 70’s Elvis in one of his white jumpsuits. Took me a couple months of weekends to make the jumpsuit but it looks so cool. We usually walk around the neighborhood and stop at a bar or two before going home to collapse early and watch scary movies. Our cats usually hiss when we come home in wigs so this year will be fun.

      We have a co-op so we don’t do many decorations but we found some monster silhouette decals for our windows that we love.

    5. Irish Teacher*

      Our school is having a non-uniform (for the kids)/Halloween costume (for everybody) day next Thursday. As I have long dark hair and green eyes, I’m taking the easy (and obvious) option of wearing a long black skirt and a black top with gold sort of studs on it and a witch’s hat. I have also bought jelly spiders as end of half-term treats for the kids.

      We get our mid-term break on Friday. This year’s October Bank Holiday falls right ON Halloween, but as a teacher, I’m off for the week, not just the day.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Both kids are participating in group costumes this year. One is going to be Stitch, with a friend dressed up as Experiment 624.

      The other is in a group doing Nightmare Before Christmas, and is Sally.

    7. California Dreamin’*

      I don’t usually dress up and was feeling stumped because my moms group was “costumes encouraged” for our dinner this month. Actually the hostess said something like “wear a scary costume or prop, whatever scary means to you!” Lightbulb moment… I bought a simple dark red dress on eshakti this fall and own flat brown boots. All I needed to buy was the white bonnet and I’m a handmaid. Pretty scary! The other women loved it. One of my teens is dressing as the Monopoly guy with a monocle and a top hat, which I haven’t seen before I don’t think.

    8. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Normally, I’m all over the place…. Astronaut, Gaelic Clan member (I’ve got a kilt and all the paraphenalia), Baseball player, The Grim Reaper (http://alumni.cse.ucsc.edu/~scottn/Death.jpg), ZZ Top, Stereotypical Tourist (that one was cheap and easy. Ugly shorts, ugly shirt, camera, ugly hat, sandals with socks, zinc oxide and sunglasses).

      This year, I’m not doing anything because I’m going to be at ADULT SPACE CAMP!!! WOOHOO!!!

    9. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Normally, I’m all over the place…. Astronaut, Gaelic Clan member (I’ve got a kilt and all the paraphenalia), Baseball player, The Grim Reaper, ZZ Top, Stereotypical Tourist (that one was cheap and easy. Ugly shorts, ugly shirt, camera, ugly hat, sandals with socks, zinc oxide and sunglasses).

      This year, I’m not doing anything because I’m going to be at ADULT SPACE CAMP!!! WOOHOO!!!

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        Oh, for those who are interested in the ZZ Top…

        Cowboy hat
        Wraparound shades
        Fake long beard
        Shabby overcoat
        Guitar Hero controller
        (and my MP3 player in my pocket, blasting ZZ Top music)

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I haven’t come up with anything for me yet, so I’ll probably just throw on some of my Faire garb from back in the day and call it good. On the other hand, I’ve ordered my dog multiple outfits from Target and will be sending him to daycare in them starting this week. (His daycare seems really into Halloween and has been decorated up since late September, and I am absolutely not concerned if a $5 spider-themed tank top from Target does not make it home again or comes home muddy/ripped. I also have a dog that actually likes wearing shirts and will choose to wear them at home if the house is cold.)

  45. Kuddel Daddeldu*

    What works for me are “dream voyages” – I have some on my phone and some in an Alexa skill published by some health insurance company.
    They place you on a beach or somewhere and a soothing, calm voice tells you what happens (not much). I rarely make it through more than 5 minutes.
    Some audio books or podcasts work as well. For a book, I favor Marcel Proust’s Remembrances of Things Past. Not only is it long (7 books of 20 hours each) but especially the Simon Vance reading is very appealing on voice and diction.

  46. Bubblewrap*

    Advice on making an adult daughter’s weekend visits less disruptive? I’m asking for my mom because I’m not sure what to tell her besides the vague “you need to set boundaries.”

    My sibling, Rosaline, moved out of my parents home a few months ago and lives a few minutes drive away now. She is making a habit of “stopping by” to visit my parents on weekends with her boyfriend. Problem is that she’ll say she’s stopping by, but be vague (“some time in the morning”) or specific but show up late (like say she’s coming at 8:30 am but show up at 10:30 am). And she’ll say she’s just “stopping by” to drop off something, but then stay for three or more hours. She also has a key to the house and just lets herself in instead of ringing the doorbell or knocking on the door, so she’s suddenly just there.

    This sucks for my mom, because she usually has plans to get chores done in the morning, but she ends up having to drop everything to treat Rosaline as a guest for a few hours. Then she ends up gorging herself on junk food instead of eating a healthy lunch because she’s starving by the time they leave.

    My mom hates this because it throws her whole weekend off, but she feels like she should be appreciate of the visits because Rosaline has treated her badly in the past and she’s being “nice” now. I think she’s scared of upsetting Rosaline by setting boundaries because Rosaline is the kind of person who thinks the world revolves around her and has meltdowns when people don’t fall all over themselves to do what she wants when she wants.

    So, does anyone have any advice or experience on dealing with this type of thing?

    1. Lcsa99*

      What would happen if your mom stopped treating Rosaline as a guest? Just “Hi, honey, good to see you!” Give her a hug then continue on with her chores or whatever as planned?

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        That’s what I was thinking, too. If Rosaline doesn’t like this, mom can just say something like “oh, I was ready for you when you said you’d be here but now I need to get stuff done. Maybe if you scrub the hall bath while I tidy up the kitchen we can have a few minutes to sit together after.”
        (My mom was the one who liked to do this to be, but it was a similar situation, and I did use this technique, and it did make things better.)
        I also tried to head it off. “Sure, you can stop by around 2:30 and we can talk for a half hour or so. But I’ve got other things to get to after that.” or “You can come by this afternoon, but I won’t be home until after 3 and I have to get the kids to soccer practice by 4:45.”
        The only thing that really worked to fix it was going no contact completely, but these did help.

      2. Tau*

        Honestly, maybe this is a cultural thing but the idea of getting treated as a guest by my own parents when I visit weirds me out a little. Especially if I lived that close by and was there that often.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Oh yeah, stay WAY out of that one. Your mom is a grown woman and if she hasn’t figured out boundaries by now, her child is not going to be able to fix it for her with a bit of clever advice.

      Really, “can’t set boundaries with Rosaline” and “goes to Bubblewrap to fix problem with Rosaline” sound like two halves of the same issue. One half is your business.

      Also, your mother absolutely ought to be able to feed herself lunch even if her daughter popped in unexpectedly. If your mom eats too many Doritos because Rosaline visits, that’s on her not on Rosaline. And 100% not your problem!

    4. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Mom should welcome her daughter by saying, “I’m so glad you stopped by, please mop the kitchen floor, would you, darling?”

    5. Anna*

      Your mum shouldn’t drop what she is doing but carry on her day. Right now your mum is acting like roseline is a visitor: drop her plans and entertain roseline. But roseline is acting like she is at home: let herself in and come and stay as she pleases.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      My only advice to watching a dysfunctional dynamic between your parent and sibling is to try to hold your own boundaries. You can’t fix this by very reasonably telling your mom to set very reasonable boundaries that a reasonable person would reasonably respect.

  47. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    More of a little aspiration for me than a joy but I’m awake and am going to get out of my pit this week. It’s rough and I cannot pin down even to myself why I’ve been too bed-happy these past few days. But a plot bunny has been super nice to me lately, so there’s that…

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Hang in there, Laura H. <3

      One of MY little joys this week is seeing your Little Joys Thread posted!

      Other than that, I've been enjoying some pleasant fall weather and reading in the tub.

    2. CharlieBrown*

      The photography project I mentioned a couple of weeks ago kind of got derailed because of work-related stress and depression, but I finally got back to it this week. It feels good to have a ton of photos to edit!

    3. Onomatopoetic*

      My partner and I stumbled on a small gallery in an unexpected place with some really interesting art.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      Agatha Christie’s play “The Moustrap” showed on my birthday, literally half an hour’s walk from my job and an hour and a half after I finished work. It was supposed to be on back in April 2020, but of course, the world shut down, so I had to wait an extra two and a half years, having been super-excited for it. And then it was resheduled for my birthday!

    5. Girasol*

      We went with two friends to an area where pioneer apples grow and had an apple tasting. The settlers brought apple seeds from all over, grew different apples, and sold them at the railway stop. Then the passengers threw the cores out the windows, making a sort of apple alley along the old track. We tasted until we couldn’t eat another bite – it’s surprising how different they are – and went home with our day packs full. The apple butter from them is yummy.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        What does that do? Is it a thermos and a speaker? Or does it tell you the temperature of the contents? I am intrigued!

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      We were able to sell our old range online, I’m just really glad it’s going to continue being used instead of ending up stripped for parts or in a landfill. Plus we have one that I like way better now :)

      Also, my kids and I are making cheesecloth ghosts!

    8. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Believe it or not, work!

      I’d been beating my head against the wall due to a bug in some code for a week and a half, and I figured it out late this week!

    9. AGD*

      I was looking for a new cozy blanket for winter made of plant fibers (I get rashes from most animal fibers, but also live in a place that gets both cold and dry in the winter where static electricity antagonizes me constantly). That’s an unusual combination. But I found a fantastic one at an absolutely charming small business that produces these things locally and ethically. I am thrilled with it and even got a nice little note from the owner thanking me for supporting them!

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      It came time to turn on the furnace for the first time since spring this week, so with much trepidation I did so on Friday when I’d be home all day and could call repair places if needed. (My gas furnace was installed in 2004, and is due for replacement. I’m planning to replace it with an electric heat pump once the new federal incentives kick in.)

      It started right up as soon as I switched the thermostat over to heat! No issues at all, and the house is staying at a steady temperature just like last winter. Heat pump can stay on the “when I have time/things fall into place” list rather than the “drop everything” list.

  48. CharlieBrown*

    Strunk & White question:

    There was a comment yesterday that said S&W is not a reliable guide, as it’s has a lot of errors in it. I was wondering if someone could elaborate on that. I know it’s not ideal, but as there is no language authority as there are with other languages (notably French and Spanish) I don’t see how there could be errors. I get it if it conflicts with an in-house style guide, but that’s not exactly the same as an error.

    1. PollyQ*

      I wondered about that as well! I also wonder how much of that claim was simply due to language changing over time. The original Strunk is more than 100 years old, and Strunk & White more than 60.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      My understanding (having never seen the thing!) is that it includes a lot of so-called ‘rules’ which don’t reflect how good writers actually use English – either now, at the time it was written, or before that. So mistakes in the sense of instructions which have never actually been true (and which the writers don’t necessary follow themselves).

      Search languagelog or languagehat if you want the more vituperative version :)
      (But also recommendations for alternatives.)

      1. CharlieBrown*

        I don’t really recall that being an issue with S&W. In fact they have a rule that says if you’re going to break the rules, you should first understand the rule, and I’ve always rather liked that.

        1. Calliope*

          The issue is that it states things as rules that aren’t, like don’t split infinitives which was never a rule of English usage followed in regular use but rather one borrowed from Latin and taught as a formal rule. There are other examples if you google.

      2. Tau*

        Having just read one of Pullum’s rants about the subject (the mentioned 50 years of stupid grammar advice), it also sounds like when they delve into grammar they tend to get things wrong. This example is pretty egregious (quoting the essay):

        What concerns me is that the bias against the passive is being retailed by a pair of authors so grammatically clueless that they don’t know what is a passive construction and what isn’t. Of the four pairs of examples offered to show readers what to avoid and how to correct it, a staggering three out of the four are mistaken diagnoses. “At dawn the crowing of a rooster could be heard” is correctly identified as a passive clause, but the other three are all errors:

        * “There were a great number of dead leaves lying on the ground” has no sign of the passive in it anywhere.

        * “It was not long before she was very sorry that she had said what she had” also contains nothing that is even reminiscent of the passive construction.

        * “The reason that he left college was that his health became impaired” is presumably fingered as passive because of “impaired,” but that’s a mistake. It’s an adjective here. “Become” doesn’t allow a following passive clause. (Notice, for example, that “A new edition became issued by the publishers” is not grammatical.)

    3. NeonFireworks*

      One of the guys from Language Log hates it – he has a post called 50 Years of Stupid Grammar Advice that might be a place to start?

    4. ThatGirl*

      Ha yeah I haven’t read it in years, but I was a little surprised too. Not saying it’s infallible – I just thought it might be a good read for someone getting into editing. It’s important to be able to shift between styles and style guides!

    5. RagingADHD*

      I would assume it’s about a couple of things: it is dated and doesn’t really reflect modern word usage. Also, it is very prescriptive, which a lot of people don’t like. It is intended as instruction for beginning writers (it was originally composed for Strunk’s college classes). The principles are good to bear in mind even when the specific examples might not work anymore.

      A lot of people who are good writers bristle at the exhortations to simplify and be plain, and point to the wonderful use of abstraction and wordplay in great writers throughout the history of literature. That’s not the point of the book. It’s not intended for great writers. It’s intended for writers who don’t know what they’re doing.

      Beginning prose writers need to learn to express themselves clearly and make a coherent point. Nobody is going to care about beautiful wordplay if they haven’t the least idea what’s going on. They also need to understand the necessity of editing. It’s not unusual for beginning writers to try to be impressive by making their writing overly elaborate, which comes across as stilted and pretentious.

      I’m a fan, and I think it’s a very useful read. It isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of good writing, and those who push it that way are wrong to do so. I think for the most part, the people who object most strongly are reacting more against the hype than against the book itself.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        All good points, thank you. Maybe this is what they meant–the audience is not for professional writers.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Haha! Fortunately, I think we’re too progressive to want to police other people’s language.

  49. Goose*

    I’ve recently been given advice to run “to something” and not “away from a problem.” This was a in a work context, but I’m looking for advice on how to apply it in my whole life. Is it a matter of developing habits? Figuring out my values and making sure I have things in my life that I’m working towards? What have you found that works?

    1. slowingaging*

      Maybe ask yourself why you running from the problem. Revise it’s name to ‘thing to do’. What would be your ultimate outcome choice. What steps to get there. Is it actually something you should or want to do. Where is it in your life priorities… food, shelter, clothing then what is next?
      I am in the middle of dealing with myriad ‘things to do’ at the other place and in my life. It is EXHAUSTING. I made lists. Literally at the other place an excel spreadsheet with tabs for types of things. Personal life. Samsung notes, to buy, to consider what to do. I also made a list of things I have completed. Somehow that helps moving forward, the fact that I actually have done a whole boatload of stuff. Hope this helps or triggers some ideas for you

    2. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I love this advice. It was given to me maybe 10 years ago at a meditation retreat and I think it’s one of the most simple and effective ways to find genuine, lasting happiness*. How you spend your mental energy tends to influence your reality. Centring your thoughts on where you want to go and what you want to invite into your life helps you be open and recognise opportunities to do that, whereas focusing on problems you want to escape gives those things more prominence and power over your path. When you’re weighed down with negativity it’s hard to see your true options clearly.

      I’ve found it very helpful advice in guiding major decisions about relationships and job changes. If your top criterion in making a decision is “I want something that’s not [this]” then by definition the first viable “not [this]” that comes along is worthy of pursuit – even if it ultimately ends up being just a different flavour of underwhelming. But making your decision “I want [that]!” is far less ambiguous and far more likely to bring you joy.

      It’s helpful in low stakes moments too. Deciding dinner for example: “I don’t want anything too stodgy, I had beef yesterday, I’m not in the mood for spicy…” isn’t a productive way to get food on the table. “I feel like something light and fresh with maybe chicken or fish” is a much more helpful starting point.

      Heavier situation, I recently cared for a terminally ill family member in their final weeks. That end bit was a series of increasingly awful health and quality of life issues. After one particularly bad incident I shifted my thinking away from mitigating all the problems to asking what a good death looked like for them. Letting decisions flow from there instead fundamentally changed those last weeks, paradoxically giving them the very best quality of life until the very best end. And although I miss them with a pain that feels like it’s stabbing its way out through my bone marrow, I am joyful too and can grieve without regret for what we could or should have done differently.

      I guess what it boils down to is that if you’re primarily focused on eradicating problems from your life, at best you can hope to get to neutral. Happiness won’t magically fall into your lap once you’ve escaped those problems, it will take active choices to discover.

      *I don’t think I’m articulating my thoughts well, I just can’t think of a better way to phrase it that doesn’t sound equally condescending or trite. I read it back and it all sounds idealistic and cringey. But I’m posting it anyway because out of any life advice I’ve ever received, no matter what’s going on or how deep my depressive episode is, this bit of advice has always, always been helpful to me. In any case, I hope this input helps (even if it’s helpful in deciding it’s all hogwash!)

    3. MEH Squared*

      I’m actually very much a ‘I don’t want to’ kind of person. What I mean is that I have a habit of defining what I DO want by considering and rejecting what I don’t want. I don’t actually think that’s a problem, by the way, because I continued to hone each ‘want’ past that point until I realized what exactly I wanted to do. In other words, it’s a way get rid of the detritus and keep the good stuff.

      Then, I had a serious medical crisis that I am fortunate to have survived (it’s been called a miracle by my medical team). Since then, I have embraced my body (after a lifetime of body negativity, depression, and anxiety), my life, and friends/my brother. Obviously, I cannot advocate going through that, but the bottom line was that it gave me a clarity about what was and wasn’t important to me.

      That doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to do what I want to do (I’m still me with my bad habits), but I am clear-eyed about what matters and what doesn’t. I care less about what I think I SHOULD want and am focused on what I actually want. Right now, I’m taking the steps to make that idea a reality. And I get support from my friends and brother while I’m working on my plan.

  50. Unkempt Flatware*

    Scripts for helping me shut down self-invitations from my dad who I dislike very much? I don’t want to give excuses like, “not this year” because he’ll use it to negotiate ways around my boundaries. I also don’t want to welcome a discussion of why—trust me that he’s been given all chances to understand why. I’m thinking of something like, “No more visits, dad” or “no, I made a pact with myself that the last time was the last time” or maybe just, “no, please don’t ask again”. But the deeper explanation I sometimes wish I had the nerve to say is, “dad, every time I see you in person I consider ending our relationship completely”. I don’t end it because of my respect I have for my brother who’d bear the brunt of that. I can handle occasional texts w my dad but nothing more.

    All daddy-issue advice is sought here.

    1. CharlieBrown*

      How about “I don’t have the energy for that right now”? Which sounds like it’s true, but also possibly vague enough that he can’t squirm around it.

    2. Anono-me*

      “No thank you.” A friend taught me to respond to unpleasant wanted requests as if they were offered treats that I unfortunately couldn’t accept. It isn’t rude, but it isn’t what people expect and they are less likely to pursue the matter .

      Also, (if you have the type of relationship where it is possible), I would suggest discussing everything with your brother including your desire to go no contact with father. He may be wanting new boundaries, but holding off out of consideration for you.

        1. Unkempt Flatware*

          Thanks! That’s super helpful. “hey Unkempt, I was thinking of coming for Thanksgiving.” “No, thank you”. I really like it.

    3. Generic+Name*

      Ah, boundaries. How is your dad contacting you normally? You said you can handle texts, so if he wants to talk to you more than zero, he can learn you will only respond to texts. He calls, you let it go to voicemail. I assume he does not live nearby. If he asks to visit (via text), you can say, “No, thank you”. If he asks why, you can say, “it won’t work for me” and if he keeps asking, ignore ignore ignore. Only reward the type of communication you want. If he texts something reasonable or normal, respond via text. If he calls, ignore, if he texts something you don’t like, ignore.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If there is some part of the relationship that you are willing to maintain, can you express that as well as refusing whatever you don’t want? “Dad, I value our relationship” – true; you value texting with him and not throwing your brother under the bus – “and it’s better for both of us not to have in-person visits. Let’s maintain the texting relationship we have now.”

      By the way, if all you want to do is text with him, maybe that’s another way to preserve your boundaries. If you’re willing to actually stop interacting with him except by text, it makes it harder for him to argue back and whatnot. But it’s not fair to make him intuit that. Text him something like, “You know, I’ve realized that we actually communicate best by text! I’m going to ask that going forward, you reach out to me by text and not by email or phone. Thanks!” Then send his calls to voicemail that you never listen to, and send his emails to folders you never read. When he pushes back by text, it’s pretty low-cost to keep responding, “yep, but this works best for me. Thanks!”

  51. Firebird*

    I’ve been very careful not to say anything negative about my ex husband to our adult children. I don’t want them to hate half of their DNA and it feels unkind to burden them with the details of my marriage and divorce. What they know about him is unpleasant enough.

    I’ve told them that I would answer any questions they might have, but wouldn’t force them to know anything they don’t want to know. They haven’t asked any questions and I respect that.

    How do I decide what to say about a couple of things that need to be dealt with regarding their father?

    First, I need to get a lawyer and will probably end up in court because he is underpaying court ordered alimony. He has never paid the full amount and I let it go because I didn’t want to deal with him. Now I need the money and he ignores my efforts to get current on payments.

    Second, I’m concerned about the last email he sent me. He occasionally sends me bizarre emails that I ignore, but don’t block, because it feels safer to know when he is thinking about me. Usually they are about conspiracy theories or romantic YouTube videos. He married his affair partner and I’m sure his only regret, is that I got half of the assets. (He wanted to handle my money after the divorce and I told him to ask my lawyer.)

    In the last email, he claimed to be worried about me and that I should have a gun. He also said that he now has five guns. I feel like I should telling someone about this, but he would just claim that he was concerned about me. (Abuse was financial and psychological, not physical.) I think he is just messing with me or wants to show off that he has guns because he isn’t getting enough attention elsewhere.

    But… he is getting older and had a Cluster-b diagnosis about 20 years ago, and they don’t improve with age, especially if I add a court case into the mix. At the time of the diagnosis, he was proud of the fact that they were surprised that he had never been in jail and was still married, and that he should never be in a position of authority to carry a gun. It was part of a psych evaluation when he applied for a law enforcement job and I don’t know if it is recorded anywhere.

    Who should I be telling about this?
    How much should I share with my adult children? I don’t think they want to know, but I don’t want them blindsided either.

    1. Generic+Name*

      Oh boy. This is something I struggle with. I’ve been divorced for 5 years, and am still struggling with my ex in court. I’m counting down the days until my son turns 18 and I can cut my ex off for good. Regarding your concerns about violence, I encourage you to call either the national domestic violence hotline or contact your local law enforcement agency domestic violence number and tell them what you told us and ask for a risk assessment. My ex has said a number of vaguely threatening things to me, but apparently they aren’t considered specific enough to be a problem (he’s never mentioned guns).

      I would tell your lawyer about it and I would tell close friends and family members you are concerned for your safety. I assume your ex no longer has access to your home. If he still has a key or code, change it immediately. You can get cameras and a home security system if you don’t already have those. I initially got a monitored system, but now I have a husband and a dog. :)

      As for what to tell your adult children, if you have a good relationship with them and your ex hasn’t totally snowed them, I think you can tell them that their dad has said some things that make you feel unsafe and ask them not to share anything about your life with him. Do they know your marriage ended due to an affair? If not, I think you could tell that too. It’s not bashing your ex, it’s a simple statement of fact. You don’t have to keep his secrets or defend his honor.

    3. Ginger Pet Lady*

      As for the legal issues, I think you could just give them a simple heads up. “Your dad hasn’t been keeping up his end of the divorce agreement, so I am taking steps to make that happen. I just don’t want you to be blindsided if he mentions it.”
      On the second issue, you could just ask them if they’ve noticed anything concerning because you have seen some things that you’re not sure what to make of them.”
      My advice would be very different if they were children, but as adults I think they can handle a little more knowledge and if you approach it in a very matter of fact way it won’t hurt them. Do they know about his diagnosis? If not, I think it’s okay to fill them in as it can have significant effects for them, too.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        Yes, this. They’re adults, and in a much better position to understand this than if they were kids.

        And I think your tone matters: it needs to be very matter-of-fact, without any hint of judgment. I had to google a cluster-b diagnosis, and I found that troubling. They definitely need to know, and I would handle it just like any other health issue: here’s a thing your dad is going through, it’s having some consequences that I am dealing with, I just want you to know, if you have any questions, please let me know.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Yes, matter of fact and limited–let the kids ask for more elaboration if they want it.

          Not clear to me if they have a separate relationship with him or pretty much don’t see him live. If he regularly emails them, it’s quite possible they received their own emails about gun ownership.

    4. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I agree with the people who say to consult your attorney. I would also consider seeing if custody can be revisited in this regard.

      1. allathian*

        The kids are adults, so custody isn’t an issue. It’s up to them to maintain a relationship with their father, or to go NC if they want to.

  52. Marguerite*

    How do you know if someone is genuine or if they’re playing games? There’s a guy that I’ve been talking to but it’s hard to know what his intentions are. Sometimes we talk alot, other times I barely see or talk to him. Sometimes he’s flirty but then backs off and avoids me. I’m getting a lot of mixed signals. I like him but am nervous that he’s just playing me.

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Still*

      I’m sorry, that’s such a frustrating situation to be in. Sometimes you feel so, so good and then you swing right back to questioning everything. It’s tough!

      I truly believe that if somebody likes you, you’ll know it, without having to ask strangers on the internet.

      Whatever his intentions, he’s making you feel unsure, insecure and nervous. Is that the way you want to feel? I know the flirting and the long conversations feel good in the moment, but I vote for holding out for someone who’ll make you feel good and seen and important all the time, not just when the mood strikes him.

      By all means, feel free to enjoy the good parts if you want to and can take them for what they are, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for him to start being more reliable. What you see is usually what you get.

      2. MEH Squared*

        Yup. I agree with this. It almost doesn’t matter if the guy is playing a game or not because being hot and cold like this is difficult on its own. I wouldn’t get too wrapped up in if it’s a game, but just focus on whether it’s something you (OP) want to deal with on a regular basis.

      3. I take tea*

        “Whatever his intentions, he’s making you feel unsure, insecure and nervous. Is that the way you want to feel?”

        This is so well put, and I wish a lot of people would take that to heart!

    2. Filosofickle*

      You know they’re genuine when you are sure where you stand and aren’t getting mixed signals. For me, if I’m wondering then it’s a no. That’s not healthy for me.

    3. RagingADHD*

      His intentions are exactly what he is doing. Nothing more.

      If he’s flirting with you, his intention is to flirt with you at that moment because it’s fun. If he asks you out, his intention is to go out with you. Once. He may form another intention later on, but take everything at face value.

      Don’t project a longer story arc onto it, because there isn’t one. If he wants there to be something more, he will do something about it. Unless you want to try asking him out – always a possibility. And then if he says yes, you still have to make sure and keep your expectations aligned with his actions, and not with guessing what his actions might be in the future.

    4. Generic+Name*

      A man who is interested in you will not send mixed signals. You will not feel off balance or wonder what his intentions are. Forget about whatever is going on in his head/heart. Does he make you feel cherished and safe? Does he make you feel good? Not just some of the time, all of the time. Do you want to be with someone who leaves you guessing and makes you feel uncertain and insecure? I assume not. If that’s the case, block and delete and put your focus on dudes who act like they want to be with you and don’t run hot and cold.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      Up and down stuff is a red flag. It’s a no from me, dawg. Who knows what he’s up to but someone who were genuine wouldn’t be wishy washy.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Do you feel that he’s being manipulative? That he’s using the on-again, off-again to make you feel a certain way? That would be playing games. But if you don’t get that vibe, then my guess is that he’s not playing games. He genuinely likes talking to you when you’re talking, and he genuinely doesn’t miss talking to you when you’re not talking.

      If you can accept the interactions that you have and enjoy them, that’s great. If you’re always wondering what comes next or missing what’s not there, then maybe it’s time to move on. But I will say that when I was dating, there were some men who showed up when they showed up, and when they showed up they were fun and I liked hanging out with them. When they didn’t show up, I mostly forgot about them. If you truly can accept him whenever he’s around, and he’s fun for you, there’s nothing “in principle” wrong with continuing that.

    7. matcha123*

      I don’t know if there’s a way, but I know that for myself, when I tried (and failed) online dating, there were a bunch of things going on in my private life that influenced how often I replied to people.
      It was really hard gauging interest and so on. Some people want really flirty texts. Some want immediate responses.
      When I was having a tough time at work, sometimes I couldn’t bring myself to respond to messages. Sometimes I’d respond to flirty messages when I wasn’t really feeling that way.

      I think that most people just don’t really know how to proceed well with online stuff and it’s hard to quickly form a romantic connection with someone over text when the end-goal is a steady relationship. For example, it was easier for me to become interested in guys online through shared interest sites, rather than ones specifically for dating.

    8. Emma*

      I would take whatever he’s doing literally. I used to have a guy who was hot and cold like this. He wasn’t ready for a relationship.

      Then, I met my husband, who was so much more direct with what he wanted. I didn’t have to guess. There wasn’t the up and down – he was into me, wanted a relationship, and was clear about it.

      If someone wants a relationship, there won’t be a lot of mixed signals and being flirty and then avoided. I would assume that for whatever reason, he’s either not that into you, or doesn’t want a relationship. Either outcome is the same. I wouldn’t give him so much mental space (though it’s hard! And sometimes the games, even if unintentional, can really pull you in).

  53. Not So NewReader*

    Heat pumps.

    Anybody have one? What do you think of it? Do you see a reduction in your heating costs?

    And any other tidbits you have will be appreciated- costs, lost space in the house, noise, maintenance, how long have you had it? I think the number one concern for me right now is will it work in Zone 4 (planting zone) or north? If you live in one the lower numbered planting zones and have a heat pump, I’d really love to hear about your experiences.
    Thank you!!

    1. time for cocoa*

      I have a two-year-old Trane heat pump in zone 6A, and it struggles so badly to keep up in the deep winter that we have to supplement the coldest rooms with space heaters. Zone 4 is just too far north for this technology, in my layman’s opinion.

      1. time for cocoa*

        Hit enter too soon. Our electric bills from December through March are usually over $400 a month.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is what I feared. NYS is trying to promote heat pumps. It says “might save up to 30% on heating costs.” If my electric bill goes crazy then where is the savings?
          Thanks for responding, I appreciate the information.

    2. Doctor is In*

      For very cold weather you have to use auxiliary electric heat. Most of the time it is fine. No noisier than standard units. Geothermal is better and quieter, more cost savings, if available.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Technology Connections on youtube has a few videos on heat pumps that do a really good job explaining them. He’s a big fan. I’m significantly more dubious, but still recommend the videos anyway.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I will check this out, thanks. Yeah, I am pretty doubtful myself. I see a lot of statements that say “might” or “could”, which feel like weak promises- or non-promises. My friend is saying that it would cost 14k to put one in her home (much larger home). That seems like a chunk of change for something that “might” help.

    4. Overeducated*

      We have one as part of a mini-split system . I live in zone 5 (I grew up in upstate NY and it’s definitely a warmer climate, but still freezes in winter), so we use it for cooling in summer, heating in the shoulder seasons, and secondary heating in winter. What that means is that when it’s below freezing or cold all day, we turn on the house-wide steam radiators and use the mini-splits for upstairs bedrooms that never warm up enough at night. (We used to need space heaters even with the radiators.) But if it’s only cold for part of the day and above freezing, we can use the mini splits just for the rooms and times we need them. I think this probably helps with efficiency since our house is old and drafty – replacing insulation is on the list, but we want to keep the 130 year old single pane windows – so we don’t have to try to heat a larger space than necessary. So maybe a combined system could be an option?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I suspect that it would end up being a combination system for me here, too. And from seeing comments about not being warm enough, I’d really want to go through a winter with both systems to find out how it plays out, if I did this. But I am thinking this is not a system for me.

    5. KatEnigma*

      I’ve lived in 4a. The gas furnace struggled sometimes and natural gas costs way less than electricity. My Aunt had a heat pump in central Pennsylvania and she was cold and poorer.

    6. Redhaired runner*

      I have a heat pump on my house in the coastal mid Atlantic region. We had an unusually cold two week period that didn’t even come close to what I grew up with in upstate ny. My electric bill was about 50% higher that month than any other month last year.

    7. Imtheone*

      I am wondering about this too. I live in Zone 7, and my upstairs HVAC is due for a replacement soon. I’m also a person who is often chilly.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks for the replies, all!
      I really appreciate it. I have friends who are fired up about this idea and my gut is saying, “wait. slow down. really look at this.”

      I just put in a new furnace about 6 years ago. This reduced my fuel consumption by 40%. (yea). This year I am looking around to see what else I can do. It almost seems like I would be trading a lower fuel bill for a much, much higher electric bill. One site said a 30% cost savings on fuel. As things stand now this translates into about $1200 for me.

      Crunching the numbers, if my electric bill jumps by $1200 then I would just break even. I would not see any savings. And this assumes things stay as they are, which we all know is a very poor assumption, but I need to get numbers from somewhere. :(

      The new furnace paid for itself within the first few years. I knew I would see real savings. And I jumped at the chance. I just don’t get the same feeling about a heat pump system.

      It strikes me that no one is saying “It’s awesome! Highly recommend!”.
      Thank you to all who have put some thoughts down here and I will check back to see if anyone else has experiences to add.

      1. Jackalope*

        This is a helpful thread for me too. I have some friends in my area that got a heat pump and liked it, but we aren’t in such a cold area. I too am still somewhat skeptical that it’s the right choice for us at the moment.

      2. Schmitt*

        From my very limited experience of hearing about them in Germany, it seems like they’re usually recommended in combination with solar panels, which would mitigate the electric bill somewhat (since there is less sun in winter, you don’t cover all your usage).

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have tried to get solar panels here. I have a few hurdles. But the one hurdle I cannot (refuse to) fix is that my monthly electric bill is less than $100. Apparently, they are not interested in helping modest consumers like myself. I am routinely ghosted by solar companies. They find out how much my utility bill is and never call back. sigh.

          The fans of solar energy seem to not know this is happening. People are trying to change over and the solar company won’t answer their phone or email. I can’t be the only person in the US with a smaller energy bill.

          I do appreciate your comment because it makes me think about how people are using new systems together to get results.

          1. Squidhead*

            NsNR, I’m in 5a in NYS and got an offer from NexAmp to “join” (subscribe to) their solar farm. They’re an ESCO; they supply the electricity and National Grid delivers it. They claim they’ll be billing us at a 10% discount to what NG would be charging. We signed up last year but “our farm” isn’t completed yet so I don’t have any actual numbers to compare….but it literally cost us nothing to sign up, there are no changes to our home. Anyway, if you want to support solar this could be an option for you? We are low-to-medium users (our combined gas & electric bill is around $150/month most winters with a forced-air gas furnace) but we want to sell before we would recoup the cost of solar panels.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I tried contacting a group doing this discount program near me. I have yet to hear back. I think I will contact them again now. thanks!

    9. PX*

      I was looking into this a bit recently as I was looking at buying a house that has one. My understanding is the biggest thing to make them work in a cost effective manner is your house has to be *really well insulated*. Think, triple glazing, really good cavity wall insulation etc. I’m in the UK where you start to see some newer houses being built to these kinds of standards, but its definitely not the norm yet.

      So a heat pump on its own (and also – what kind? Air or ground?) – especially if you live in a very cold area isnt likely to be the magic bullet that some people like to promote it as, but in combination with other things – can definitely help make a difference.

      If the biggest driver is heating cost, then the first and “simplest” thing is always going to be insulation insulation insulation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have a super amount of insulation. My friend and I went all through the house. I bought truckload after truckload of the stuff. (pick up truck loads) We opened up every exterior wall and insulated it. The attic has crazy amount of insulation. (I also did windows and doors.) For the amount of oil I buy I am much warmer than I used to be. (Before insulation my floors were 45 degrees in the dead of winter.) But still, the house is pushing 200 y/o. So there is always room for improvement.

        My friend estimated a system in her house to be $14k. I have a smaller house so let’s make a wild guess of $10k. I may have to accept the fact that the next thing I do will not give me a similar ROI that the new furnace and insulation did. I am still thinking though that heat pumps may not be my answer because of my area. It could be that the technology will change and I could reconsider them later if I have not picked another plan.
        Thanks for your response- it’s helpful!!

        1. rr*

          We got mini-splits in a few rooms this past summer (too expensive to do the whole house) and the heat feature was promoted by the company that sold them. Obviously, I don’t know if they will work or not this winter. But either way, I’m really hoping for a rebate for them from our electric company. The company has a program that offers rebates on them (in addition to other programs like interest-free financing for windows and insulation that meet certain criteria). You might want to check into if your energy company has any such programs. We’re doing it after the fact, so it is a little chancier, but I’m still hopeful we’ll see something back.

        2. PX*

          No problem!

          The other thing to consider is what kind of heat pump is being considered. From my research and the numbers you are saying, it sounds like an air source heat pump (which are also the type that can function as air conditioning in summer).

          The other type of heat pump is a ground source (what Doctor Is In above might have called geothermal) and they are meant to be more efficient as a system, but much more expensive and difficult to install (requires you to have land for pipes + digging). I doubt this is what is being pushed, but just in case its something you want to look into…but to be honest, based on what you are saying and what you’ve done, the gains you will make sound like they will be much smaller – and maybe worth waiting to see if the ROI will eventually be a bit better for you.

          I feel like at this point, a lot of the reason people push heat pumps is around going carbon neutral and starting to think about how to adjust for a less fossil fuel driven world. Which while a good and important thing – might not be everyone’s highest priority right now.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I was thinking about the ground source because they are saying it’s better than the air source. I looked at it long enough to see I might be able to put in a ductless system, I guess that would be cheaper. But I have hard pan clay here. It’s a lot like concrete.

            However, I agree with your last paragraph. I don’t want to be an early adaptor guinea pig ($$$). Subsequent systems will be better in the future OR they could abandon a system entirely. I am remembering the whole VHS vs. Beta thing.

            I do think it’s good to keep looking at what is going on. We are finally getting some movement on this problem after decades of complaining about it.
            Thank you for you for your thoughtful post.

    10. allathian*

      The one advantage of a heat pump that no other heating system has is that you can run it like an AC in the summer.

    12. Ranon*

      In cold climates you’re looking at Mitsubishi or Fujitsu, and I’d take any feedback from folks who installed one less recently than five years ago or so as technology has improved a bunch recently.

    13. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I grew up with a house that had one as far back as the 1980s, but we’re in zone 8b. It works really well in 8b! I plan to install one in my current house when the existing (gas) furnace needs replacing so that I’ll have AC beyond my window units. My family home had an “emergency” electric backup furnace that’d get used occasionally in the depths of winter, and in the last decade my stepfather replaced the original 1970s fireplaces with fancy wood-burning inserts and now they can mostly use those for supplemental heat rather than the electric heater on the really cold days.

      However, zone 8 is not zone 4. I mostly just wanted to reaffirm that heat pumps do make sense in some places.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thanks for this. One thing I am noticing here is that even in the better zones, you still had a back up plan for heat. Probably the AC side of the story was a savings also. I think I like the idea of having a back up plan. Thanks for your thoughts here!

  54. Loopy*

    My husband is a casual gamer (Xbox), the kind where he’ll play for a few months then put gaming down for a while. That being said, winter is his slow season at work and when he likes to get back into gaming. So I usually get him a few games for Xmas. Problem is, I have had really hit or miss results with just Googling around, despite my best attempts at research.

    I’m wondering if those who enjoy console games might have some recommendations based on what he has played in the past: Halo, Assassin’s creed, and Fallout are favorites. I’m also seeing a few Fable games and Gears of War. He hasn’t bought any games this year so pretty much any 2022 release is a safe bet. I like this to be a surprise so I’m trying to avoid asking him (it’s a dead giveaway when I do).

    Any recommendations?

    1. Generic+Name*

      Does he have Red Dead Redemption 2? It came out this year I think, and it’s supposed to be good.

      2. anon24*

        Red Dead Redemption 2 has been out for awhile. I have it on PC and I believe the release date was 2018. Often consoles get games sooner. But I second the recommendation, it’s a great game.

        Of course whenever anyone asks me for recs I always plug The Witcher 3 because that is my favorite game ever (close seconds are Skyrim and Witcher 2) but that came out in 2015.

    2. No longer single mom*

      So I just asked my husband who plays most of these and he gave me a list. Feel free to ask me any questions that you want me to ask my husband to answer! If you watch him play, I recommend Immortals or any of the Mass Effect games. Good luck!

      Mass Effects-legendary edition
      Mass Effects-Andromeda
      Immortals Fenyx Rising
      Outriders
      Farcry series(6 is most recent)
      Just Cause series(4 is most recent)
      Halo Infinite(most recent)
      Final Fantasy Origin Stranger of Paradise

      1. Loopy*

        Hi! Thank you so so much! For these, is there any need to be familiar with previous releases to enjoy? I am getting him the newest Xbox so I’d like the get newer games as well, but I don’t want him to be utterly lost coming into a game where it’ll be confusing starting on the latest release. He does appreciate storyline aspects as well.

        1. No longer single mom*

          Lucky man! The Mass Effects-legendary is a remastered version of the first three games that came out a long time ago so no backstory would be missed. There are only one game each for Immortals Fenyx Rising and Outriders so far. My husband says that he didn’t know much about the Final Fantasy game before he played it and he really enjoyed it. The ones which are series would probably benefit from being played through although my husband disagrees on that lol. But he also doesn’t feel that Assassin’s Creed doesn’t need to be played in order if that helps any.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband plays all of those things and also loves the Borderlands series, though they are not new releases.

      1. Roland*

        For Borderlands, Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands came out this year! That would be a good one to show off that new console power.

    4. Deschain*

      Elden Ring is great. And even though it’s a difficult game, as are all FromSoftware games, since ER is new (February 2022), it’s easy to summon people to help you play, which essentially turns it into easy mode (or easier, at least).

      1. YNWA*

        Yes, these are all older games but I am an Assassin’s Creed/Fallout fan as well and have found these games to have a high replay value. You could also try the Borderlands series. The newest ones came out this year: Tiny Tina’s Wonderland and Tales from the Borderlands.

      2. Loopy*

        Hi, thanks! I’m prioritizing newer games so hopefully he can also enjoy the new Xbox he’s getting (assuming older games have slightly older graphics?). Do the newest borderlands games require any knowledge of previous ones?

  55. Fellow Traveller*

    Inspired by the Halloween thread, and because i got great advice last year on costume construction ….
    My daughter wants to be an iPod for Halloween. Pretty easy cardboard project, I think. But… she wants to play music. So my current conundrums:
    – would it be recognizable as an iPod without the ear buds? Somehow just the rectangular iPod seems incomplete to me, but earPods will definitely be more work.
    – she wants it to be made so that her face is in the screen- suggestions for how to fashion the box to achieve this? Shoulder straps? What material?
    – and as for the music- we have some small (maybe three inch cube) speakers we can plug into an old iPod that she can use to play the music, but what makes sense for rigging it to the costume?
    Thanks for any creative input!

    1. CharlieBrown*

      An iPod is such an iconic design that I don’t think you need the ear buds.

      No idea about the face….

      Could you mount the speakers on the sides of the iPod costume, toward the bottom? Maybe put some holes (a bit like a speaker grill?) to allow the sound out? That way, people could hear the music, but the speakers would be mostly invisible.

      I really love this idea! I hope it works out for you!

    2. Redhaired runner*

      For her face you could do some colorful face paint to look like the colorful silhouettes that Apple used to use on iTunes gift cards and advertising. You could also add some colored battery operated lights for pizazz and visibility.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Ear buds: I think it would be cute if she was just wearing some! That would kind of add the visual without her needing to carry around oversized fake ones on a string or something.

      Face level: Yeah, I’d have straps inside the costume at the right height for it to rest on her shoulders. Maybe like the type of sturdy fabric strap that’s used for belts and backpacks? I can’t remember what it’s called but you can get it by the yard at fabric stores.

      Speakers: I’d have some kind of packaging attached to the inside, like a little box it can sit in that holds it in place? Maybe like a zippered cosmetic bag if that doesn’t muffle it too much?

      1. EJ*

        I made straps for a costume with duct tape back to back so it was thick and sturdy but not sticky except for the ends that I needed to stick to the inside of the box

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        The easiest way to get fabric straps that are like a backpack is to just buy a cheap backpack (or re-purpose a worn-out one you already have). This time of year everyone is clearing out the back-to-school stuff that no one wanted, so I suggest swinging by Target, Walmart, and/or Office Depot and getting whatever is available for cheap on clearance. Then she can wear it backwards and attach the costume pieces to it.

  56. L. Ron Jeremy*

    My wife has completed radiation and chemo for anal cancer this past week, but is now having horrible diarrhea as a result. She’s using two extra absorbent Poise pads, but these seem inadequate.

    Anyone have recommendations for adult diapers that work well and easy to remove in a hurry (if needed)?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      My spouse used the CVS equivalent of Depends. I think that we figured out that the 27-item package was the best value. Sometimes we also spread out one or two disposable absorbent pads between him and the fitted sheet.
      Good wishes that things calm down enough that both of you can get some sleep.
      Fist bump of solidarity from a past caregiving spouse. May you be surrounded by good, supportive people.

    2. Chaordic One*

      My parent uses Depend Protection Plus (with “Fit-Flex” technology) and it works well. If you try a different Depend, make sure to get one with “Fit-Flex”. I get them from Costco, which has the best prices in my area, but lately they are no longer carrying them in the store so I’ve been ordering them online from Costco and having them shipped to me. There is no extra charge to ship them by standard UPS. Costco is good about putting a cardboard cover over them so the neighbors don’t see that I’m getting boxes of Depends delivered to me.

    3. WellRed*

      You could also try an online company that specializes in these. Their customer service can walk through the symptoms and make recommendations and I imagine having them shipped is one last thing you need to worry about.

    4. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Getting the right size and fit is important. Too big and they leak, too snug and they’re hard to get on and off (I was helping someone else in and out of them, FWIW). I found the Tena brand ones the best, the waist band was wider, stretchier and had excess material at the top that’s easier to grab at. Not the best for discretion under clothing, but good practically to handle in a hurry or when feeling weak or tired. I would err on a size up from what you think she needs – if the diarrhoea is frequent but she can still usually get to the bathroom in time it’s easier to deal with an occasional small leak than making it difficult for her once she gets there.

      Wishing you and your wife all the best for her recovery.

    5. Squidhead*

      Pro-tip on many adult pull-up style briefs: You can tear them down the sides to remove them. Handy when moderately soiled and she’s trying not to remove all of her pants and socks and shoes, too. Just in case she wasn’t aware!

      If she hasn’t, I’d suggest she check with her provider to see whether there are any remedies for this, either to slow things down or solidify them. (Trying not to run afoul of the “no medical advice” rule and also the “no bodily fluids rule” here, and it’s late so you might not see this anyway!)

  57. WoodswomanWrites, car insurance question*

    Earlier this year, I parted with my ancient Subaru Outback when it had an expensive repair that didn’t make sense to fix. I ended up purchasing a used 2018 Subaru Crosstrek with mileage around 30,000. I figured my insurance would be higher when it was time to renew this month, but I was stunned to see that it was a jump by $1,100. (It’s California where everything is expensive but even here that’s a huge increase.)

    Has anyone successfully negotiated a reduction, or should I just accept that I need to find another insurance company? I ask because I have two other non-auto policies with my current insurer that are low based on having all three bundled. Also, I welcome any suggestions beyond just hunting around online. In the meantime, I’m planning to purchase a month’s coverage with my company so that nothing lapses.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I cut my auto insurance significantly when I switched to The Hartford policy available to AARP members. When my homeowners/renters insurance policy ended I switched that, also.

      Thanks for pointing out that some vendors offer a one-month extension of auto insurance. Good information of which I was previously unaware!

      1. WoodswomanWrites, car insurance question*

        I’m a member of AARP and will look into it. To clarify the one-month thing for my insurance, I will have to sign up for a year but can choose the option of monthly payments. Then I can cancel it after a month.

    2. Missb*

      I think it is worth calling the agent and asking if they can do better than that.

      It could be a popular car to steal (it is in Oregon anyway).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I change insurance companies every 5-6 years. The longer you stay with them the more they charge you it seems. Try to find an agent who deals with many insurance companies. They will shop around for you. My agency has around 106 insurance companies that they deal with. So I go to the same agency all the time but the insurance company changes.

      The agency is local- so there is a connection to the community and a bit of a sense of responsibility that comes with that connection. Additionally you can pick up clues as to how many companies they deal with by the size of the agency- if they have several office locations that could possibly telegraph something about the number of companies they have access to and can choose from.

      (Yes, I bundle also and I am able to move the entire bundle over to the new company.)

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        The longer you stay with them the more they charge you it seems.

        This! They do this fully cognisant that it’s easier for most people to part with a bit more money than to go shopping around.

        My car insurer is on the pricey end, but I’ve learned the hard way that it’s worth paying a higher premium for seamless, minimal fuss service for the few times in your life when you need it. That said, on one particularly offensive increase I called their nearest competitor for a quote (the sales team are usually incentivised and offered an attractive introductory discount) and asked them to beat the other quote if they wanted to keep my business – which they happily did.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I had to change insurance companies to get a meaningful reduction. I’d tried several times with Nationwide, through my agent, to get a reduction, but all they could do was try and find more discounts I might qualify for, or change the coverage.

      Last year I decided to try AAA. I’ve been an AAA member all my life, but never thought about using their insurance coverage. Also, I bundle home and auto. My house was built in 1735 and many companies will not insure a house that’s 285+ years old. I assumed AAA wouldn’t either, but they did! I got a HUGE reduction in both homeowner’s and auto insurance–like almost 50%. I just renewed and my homeowner’s increased only a couple hundred dollars annually and auto increased by only $37.

    5. WellRed*

      Did you tell them that’s too high and ask them to requote it? Insurance companies just automatically renew policies but you have the right to get one requote review per year (at least in my state).

    6. Puffle*

      What I normally do is get quotes from a few other providers and then use that as my leverage with my existing provider. I’ll phone up existing provider and say something like, ‘hey, I really like my policy with you, you offer a great service on xyz, but my latest premiums are $x and other providers are quoting me $y- what’s up with that? Is there anything we can do to get my renewal down to $y? I’d hate to have to switch, but…’

      This has worked maybe 80% of the time for me, though sometimes I haven’t managed to get as much of a reduction as I’d like. Usually if I start off politely the service reps are happy to work with me to talk options and help get the price down.

    7. North Wind*

      I’m now a fan of Geic0.

      A few years ago I moved to another state, to what I presumed was a similar or safer area in regard to car theft. I was shocked when my car insurance skyrocketed. I had been with the car insurance company (Liberty Mutual) for years, had no accidents/tickets/incidents, and asked why the rate increased and whether there was anything I could do to lower the rate. They had no interest at all in even having that conversation. No sales pitch to try to get me to stay with them.

      I shopped around and ended up with Geico, whose rates were less expensive than what I had been paying before I moved. I had some qualms, wasn’t sure if they were a serious company or what customer service would be like.

      Well, around the Christmas holidays, an Uber driver slammed into the back of my car while I was at a stop sign. Geico was absolutely amazing in every interaction. They handled everything. The insurance adjuster was on the fence between having my car repaired and writing it off. I let him know I had just bought new brakes the month before and planned to drive the car another 20 years if it will go that long, and he did have it repaired.

      1. North Wind*

        Oh, and they proactively *lowered* my premium later. I pay monthly for a 6 month policy, and received a notice mid-term (not at the point of renewal) that they were lowering my monthly payment due to lower costs on their part (I think because of lockdown in the pandemic). A few renewals later and I’m still paying the lower rate.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Call an in-person insurance agent/broker local to you. They will do the shopping around for you. The service is free because they get paid by the insurance companies. I saved a lot over anything I found on my own, and it eliminated a tremendous amount of hassle.

      They are then also on deck to sort out problems for you.

      1. Squidhead*

        Very late reply, but I would question them as to why the rate is going up NOW. It should have gone up when you added the new vehicle (or at least it would have here in NY…you insure the new vehicle when you purchase it and the rate changes immediately.) So you could ask them if this rate increase is an error because the timing doesn’t seem to make sense (to me, anyway!)

  58. matcha123*

    I have a number of interests that I want to get better at and that I’d love to talk with others about. But, I find I have a terrible time at expressing what I know in a way that translates to competence.

    For example, I took photography and film in high school. (My school had a darkroom and a room for editing film (VHS).)
    I would like to get involved in groups or even try to showcase my work, but when I am around people who’ve been involved in either for years, they tend to use specialized terminology. Terminology I learned in my classes, but never used outside of class because I didn’t have any friends who were interested in film or photography.

    When I shoot pictures, I know that aperture or f/ will change the speed or amount of light hitting the film (or sensor), but I can’t explain to anyone what does what or how it does it. I just adjust my settings until I get what I want. And that’s great when it’s just me, but terrible when I am with others or when they are explaining their shots to me.

    How do those of you that thrive in using specialized terminology get comfortable with it? I’ve always pulled away from using specialized words because I feel like people tend to overuse them to sound like experts, even if they’ve just picked up a camera for the first time. I also feel like people tend to throw around terms without really knowing what they mean or how to explain what they are doing and just hoping everyone else gets them. With friends who aren’t interested in photography, I explain my shots with, “If I have film that’s ISO 400, that’s good for most outdoor and indoor shots. I have to then adjust the amount of light that hits the film by opening or closing the lens to let in more light. If the lens is open wide, I have to give a faster shutter speed or the picture will be overexposed and turn out white.”

    I can’t say, “I shoot f/1.8 on 200 with a 1/30 sec exposure time” (or something like that), even if this is shorter.
    I have the same problem with coding where when I read the code, I get what they want to do, but I find using the terminology to voice what I know to be incredibly difficult.

    1. Gimlet*

      It sounds like you are uncomfortable with using technical vocabulary because you make certain judgements about people who do that. Can you work on trying to see them more charitably, simply as people who are learning a skill and the vocabulary to go along with it, and that they are just using the right language for the job. With people who aren’t into photography your explanation is fine, but if you are at a class with other photographers using the correct technical vocabulary is just a way to communicate more clearly and concisely. It’s a form of code-switching, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about them.

      1. Angstrom*

        Exactly. When I talk about bicycling on dirt roads with a non-cyclist, I might say “The tires are wider and softer than what I’d use on paved roads”. With a cyclist I’d say “ I’m using 700x38s at 35psi”, because “wider” and “softer” are incomplete information for someone who knows the basics and wants to know the details.
        Perhaps reframe “jargon” as “appropriate level of detail for the listener”?
        For a sailor, “halyard” is actually easier to understand than “the rope that pulls the sail up the mast”.

      2. matcha123*

        Hmm, so my experience has been that certain individuals, who are probably about the same level or lower than me, but quickly pick up the terminology (without necessarily knowing the basics), will then try to force me out of the group or shut down my contributions due to me not using specialized terminology.
        In some cases, I’ve seemingly been coded as “incompetent” because I explained something technical in more simplified terms to another person who wasn’t a specialist.

        I’d like to be more comfortable using terms, but I also don’t need the judgmental tone or assumption of incompetence from people who are comfortable with terms, if that makes sense.

        1. angstrom*

          I understand that being judged is frustrating, but people are going to judge based on the language they hear. If I hear “the wifi thingy” vs. “the 2.4gHz router”, and I have no other information, I am going to use the choice of language to make a snap judgement of that person’s technical knowledge. It’s all I have to go on until I know more.
          If I heard a pilot & copilot running their checklist with “The flappy things on the tail. Check. The flappy things on the wings. Check…” I’d get off the plane. :-)
          The way around that is to use the appropriate technical vocabulary with your peers, while still using simplified terms with non-specialists.
          “Hey Sue, give me a minute here. I’m explaining our wireless network configuration to Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith: When you look at the bottom right of your screen, you should see something that looks like a tiny rainbow…”
          If your peers are giving you grief about having good communication skills with non-specialists, that’s a shortcoming on their part. But there’s nothing unreasonable about expecting colleagues to use technical language that is standard for their occupation.

          As for leaning the terminology, it helps me to understand where the term came from. That way it makes sense and does not seem arbitrary.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Am grinning. My husband had an extensive technical and medical vocabulary. He could send nurses running for a dictionary. (That actually happened.) Matter of fact, people would complain that he talked over their heads. He even got in trouble at work for talking over people’s heads. I had to tell him to dial it back.

      One thing I learned is that if people do not know the terms I am using, then my words are lost on them. So basically a good goal is to use the terms correctly when you are with similar minded enthusiasts.

      We don’t remember because of being so young, but when we started to talk it took a bit before we were actually interactive with others. We see the same pattern again if we learn a new language as adults. So it’s not really surprising that picking up the terms of a specific arena is going to take a moment. Worse, we need people to practice with or at least hear them role model correct usage of all the various terms.

      I think be more patient with yourself. I think nail down a few terms at a time, don’t try to do it all at once. I am interested in gardening. My use of terminology is directly related to what I need for my setting. If I went to Texas, I’d be lost, I’d have a very small basis to relate to what they have growing in Texas because I am used to NY. I’d suggest just learn the terms that have direct application to what you are doing right now.

      The reason I suggest this is that tech changes so much that what is “in” today is gone tomorrow. There will always be new terms to learn. I am finding that there are so many new hybrids out on the market now, I am really not as familiar with plant names like I used to be. I know enough to find stuff suitable for my property.

      Last thought. My wise friend used to say when expanding into a new topic where you have no/little orientation, the thing to do is nail down ONE thing. Get that thing all squared away in your mind so you know it cold. Then add the next thing, check to see where the next thing is in relationship to the thing you have nailed down. Once you have nailed that second thing down then move on to yet a third thing. And keep going like this.

      You might try to find videos online of people talking about the things you are looking at. Just watching them talk might be a source for you to bolster your own vocab usage. Always remember your audience though. Look to see if they are following you or not. I believe my husband’s inroad to his vocabulary usage was because he read so much. He devoured book after book. So he heard people speak through their written words.

      1. matcha123*

        Thank you, this is really helpful.
        I read a lot and remember things by writing them down, but when it comes to speaking, I freeze up. I think watching videos and maybe repeating or reading my own notes out loud may help.
        Will work on taking things in small steps, thank you!

    3. kina lillet*

      Maybe it’ll help to consider the social group rather than “what jargon to use.”

      If someone is into photography and asks you what settings you used, you know: 1, they’re curious about the settings because they like the process and want to know, and 2, they don’t need an explanation of how film exposure works.

      That’s the reason you don’t use the longer non-jargon with someone who’s an expert. They don’t need to hear the explanation and frankly it might sound patronizing! Using specialized language isn’t really “shorter,” it’s more precise if you want it to be—your non-specialized version is vague and wouldn’t answer the specific question about settings—and it allows for deeper and more interesting conversation since you know you have common ground established of knowing what an f-stop is.

      But that doesn’t mean you need to rattle off all the jargon in a row. It’s a conversation and the jargon can be a tool but it doesn’t have to be. It’s perfectly ok to say what you mean. In this case it sounds like you’re saying: “I shot this on ISO 400 film, and I went on instinct for the rest.”

      1. matcha123*

        With your example of a more expert person asking about my settings, since I’m rarely in that position, I never pay attention to that part.
        I make adjustments as I go along and don’t really remember what I did. Which, is fine when it’s just me. But when I’m asked about things, I can’t give an answer that sounds like I understand how the parts work with each other. Being on the spot makes me forget everything I know, because again, I rarely ever speak to other people about my hobbies.

    4. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I work in a medical field. Adjusting the terminology and detail of the explanations is something I do constantly, and it’s a good skill to have! The way I explain things to a patient who is an electrician is absolutely going to be different from how I explain them to a patient who is a nurse. And explaining something to a newly diagnosed diabetic is going to be different than discussing the same concept with someone who has been managing their diabetes for 20 years. And it should be! Peoples education, career, and personal experience means they all are bringing something to the conversation with me that needs to be respected. Using very basic explanations can be patronizing to someone who has been dealing with their diagnosis for more years than I’ve been at this job. I have to meet them where they are.
      Don’t think of it as using jargon, think of it as adjusting your language to the best way to communicate with the individual you have in front of you.

  59. Anonyme*

    I would actually look at some of the ski resorts. They often have other winter activities, equipment to groom walking trails, fireplaces for warm drinks, hot tubs etc….

  60. Chesster*

    Dinner help! What are you having tonight?

    What should I feed my family (5, including 3 kids 4-10). No allergies.

    1. UKDancer*

      Spaghetti amatriciana tonight. Very easy recipe. I fry onion, mushroom, pancetta / guanciale with a little fresh chili and then add a tin of cherry tomatoes and a pinch of sugar. Served with tagliatelle and parmesan. It always works well for me and I like my version better than the commercial sauces.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      Sunday night is clean out the fridge/ leftover night at our house, so we are just eating whatever we can forage.
      But…. I made the Pesto Turkey Meatballs recipe that was posted in Smitten Kitchen this week and everyone loved that. Even the three year old ate the squash component of the recipe.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Grilled chicken, chickpea salad (chickpeas, green pepper, red onion, tomato, cumin and coriander seed, lemon juice, olive oil, salt), rice, yogurt cheese (Greek yogurt drained under pressure until it hold it’s shape, mixed with herbs and salt). I have a veggie kid who won’t eat the chicken so making sure they get adequate protein from the other stuff.

    6. Miss Dove*

      Meat soup from short ribs with onions, carrots and potatoes. It’ll be lunch all week after it’s dinner tonight.

  61. Cj*

    On a semi regular basis, a commenter here asks what wildlife you’ve seen lately. I didn’t see it this week, so I’ll be the one to ask this time, and add a couple of my own.

    About 3 months ago we had a woodchuck show up on our acreage. He has a burrow in the dirt floor of our beat up Quonset shed. His name, of course, is Chuck.

    I’ve never seen a woodchuck before, other than the ones that live some sort of fenced in habitat they have for them about 20 miles from us. I don’t know if he escaped from there and made his way to our place or what. I thought they lived in groups, and he is the only one we have seen. We live in South Central Minnesota, so kind of the western edge of where they live in the US.

    We haven’t seen him now for about a month. I hope he is okay and is just hibernating or something.

    A couple weeks ago one of our dogs came nose to nose with a baby possum at 3:00 in the morning. I don’t think the dog would have hurt him anyway, but the possum hid in a gap that is between the house and the steps, so he was safe.

    Many, many different types of birds have stopped here for a rest on their way south for the winter. There’s grain left in the fields that dropped off during harvest, so there’s lots for them to eat. We also have a creek and a slough on our property, so we have water birds that stay for a day or two.

    1. OyHiOh*

      My parents have a family of woodchucks in their yard, west central WI. We’re on multiple generations of the family at this point. They disappear in the winter and show up, grazing in the yard like tiny cows, every spring.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Normally we have only one; however, this spring we had a family of three woodchucks, presumably mom, dad, and baby. They were adorable. One day we noticed something in the window of the barn (window is plexiglass and has a big hole in it). I ran to put my glasses on and when I got back, there were two woodchucks in the barn window, just hanging out, while the third was grazing on the lawn in front of the barn. They hung around our yard for several months. Now it’s just one and he (she?) still comes out to graze every morning. He seems to like it under the gym–it’s one of those pre-fab sheds and there’s a gap underneath the entire structure big enough for him to fit under. Whenever I come outside, he runs back underneath and peeks his face out to watch me.

    3. Bluebell*

      I couldn’t believe it, but I saw a coyote lope through the conservation land behind my house! We have lots of bunnies in our neighborhood, so it wasn’t a huge surprise.

    4. Lexi Vipond*

      I had no idea that a woodchuck and a groundhog were the same thing – although to be fair I know a woodchuck only as something which would chuck wood if it could, and a groundhog only as something which predicts the weather. But it’s nice to learn something new!

    5. Cruciatus*

      I realize I’m late on this, but my kitty boy, who is scared of everything and can only go outside supervised, apparently thinks the deer who pass through the yard are his friends (and isn’t scared of them. He’s scared when I sneeze. If a sock is on the floor. If you crinkle a bag of snacks). It was dark outside but when I called out to him to come back one of the deer sort of growl/snorted at me! My cat’s tail was huge upon his return but he seemed to love seeing his deer friends as he wanted to go right back outside. It’s just so weird the deer don’t scare him!

  62. Sabine the Very Mean*

    Cleaning thread: what chore makes you feel the best? For me it’s clean floors. I love being able to walk in bare or socked feet without getting crumbs on my feet. I also love when I come in the kitchen and see all my clean dishes piled on my dry rack—more than I love seeing cleared counters, no dishes, and dishes put away. For some reason, seeing all my drying dishes and a clean counter is better than totally cleared.

    1. AGD*

      Making the bed. If the bed is unmade, I start feeling like everything in my life is totally out of sorts. If the bed’s made, things are calm and under control, and then climbing into it at the end of the day is the best.

      I also enjoy cleaning the kitchen, and most decluttering.

    2. acmx*

      It would be cleared horizontal surfaces. But since I’m practically incapable of accomplishing that, then a clean bathroom sink.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Clean sheets! There’s just something cozy about getting into bed with nice, clean sheets. It’s not like I leave them on the bed that long regardless, but it just feels nice the first night after I changed the sheets.

  63. Llama face!*

    Can anyone recommend a flavourful meat lasagna recipe? I am in the mood for baked meals since we are getting our first snowfall today (yes, I’m crying on the inside). I have ground beef- mince for you folks in Europe- as my meat option. Please share if you have a good recipe!

    1. dear liza dear liza*

      For me, the secret is adding sausage and using a flavorful tomato sauce. I especially like Rao’s.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      My family did a lasagna cook-off a couple years ago where we tried a number of recipes over the course of a winter. Our favorites were one called World’s Best Lasagna (it’s on Allrecipes, it’ll come right up if you search) and Martha Stewart’s meat lasagna recipe. Both call for both ground beef and Italian sausage, which I think is kind of key. Both were really delicious!

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