updates: telling my boss I’m a bad fit, the offer letter, and more

by Alison Green on November 9, 2023

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Can I tell my boss I’m a bad fit for my job?

Thanks so much for posting my letter; reading it back to myself, and seeing it through the eyes and perspective of others really helped me to establish what I was hoping to get out of my question. I realized that the short answer was to give my managers a heads-up that I was looking to leave so they could fill my role with minimal gap between me and whoever takes on this role after me. I have since realized that that is comically detrimental to my own job security and is an incredibly bad idea. I did not have the “bad fit” conversation with my manager, nor do I ever intend to. I’ve realized that this was brought on by my feeling restless and impatient (which I have learned is a trait of ADHD — which I recently received a diagnosis for) with a company that is very large and therefore moves slowly.

Some background information to fill out my first letter: I have a fine arts background and essentially fell into administrative work. Due to the nature and reality of working in the arts (a lot of contract and gig work, low paying, etc.) I have heavily leaned on my admin skills to give me some financial and work stability.

While on the job hunt, I had applied to art instruction jobs, and was hired for a permanent part-time role (on top of the full-time job that I was debating whether I wanted to stick with or not).

As an avid reader of your site, it felt kismet-like that another Canadian artist’s letter asking about how to manage your art career with a more financially stable job was shortly published after my own. This, along with other conversations I’ve had, allowed me to realize that I do really love teaching and pursuing my art career, and that while my admin job isn’t 100% amazing all the time (fact check: no job is, even the ones you love) it does offer me worthwhile things. Because of that, I have decided to stay with my full-time admin job, as it does offer stability through salary and benefits and is a hybrid work model, which I’ve come to learn is something I really value.

Update to the update:

Welp, I’ve been in my role for almost a year and … not much has changed in terms of my feelings towards my admin job. I’ve come to realize that I am someone who likes and needs to care about their work and the industry they work in, so this job isn’t clicking for me. The silver lining of not caring about the content of my job is that I can put my care into other things, like my art practice and teaching! My dream is to be a working artist (paying my bills through teaching and my work), but I realize that that will take some time, so I’m keeping my eyes open for admin jobs in industries more closely related to my education and interests in case something really good pops up.

2. Did I misunderstand my offer letter? (#4 at the link; first update here)

I wrote with a question about a job I hated. I updated saying everything was great and gave some facile advice. It turned out that things were notgreat and I floundered for a while longer. But now, finally, I’m okay. I haven’t analyzed how I got here, but I’m glad I did.

My notes on a job that’s the right fit:

* I feel … just fine. I am not spiritually exhausted on a cellular level at the end of each day. What this looks like in real time is that I come home from work, am tired for about 30-45 minutes as I recharge, then feel ready and happy to join the non-work relationships I have built. I see my friends, I pay my bills, I bought a dehydrator, and it’s kind of fun to make weird little kale chips.

* When there’s a problem at work: it’s interesting, maybe a challenge but not the end of the world. I don’t overthink the issue for hours and days after it’s over. Truly, it’s amazing. A work issue does not immediately cross some subconscious liminal barrier to become a global, catastrophic personal crisis. It’s just something that we are dealing with at work. Doesn’t mean I suck as a person, doesn’t mean my life choices have been disastrous and that’s why I’m suffering.

* I am not lonely. This varies for each person according to what makes you happy, of course. For me, I used to be highly social with an equally high need for alone time. Pandemic made me a full-on hermit. Working with people again was scary but it’s caused me to level-up in every way. It’s been really good for me to interact with others.

* I am growing. What this looks like for me is that I can be myself, and it’s pretty interesting to re-discover who I am. Obviously I need to be a professional, reliable human who is aligned with best practices in my field, but there’s a LOT of room for personal expression in my new workplace. It is a salve to my once-constrained little artistic heart.

* Last — and I hesitate to write this just because I’m so happy it’s over and kind of don’t want to re-examine it — my old workplace was such a bad fit for me. I was always sad, always tired, always angry. Any communication with directors was fraught with tension. I never showed it and have always been super polite and professional, but inside I would rage incessantly about any missive from a boss or co-worker. All that is gone. My new director and coworkers are beyond lovely, and in turn I can be lovely right back. It’s like leaving a bad relationship. The amount of headspace and genuine unhappiness I felt was pretty unacceptable. I love not feeling it anymore. I’m really happy it’s gone.

Thank you, Alison and AAM folks. I had a horrible run, including many years in a job I hated, and over a year of job applications and rejections. We all deserve a job that makes us remember and celebrate our own native worth. Wishing us all the best.

3. Company claims they don’t have a pay range for a job they’re recruiting me for (#3 at the link)

I never responded to them, was particularly annoyed by their “I think you don’t understand” remark. Years pass, jobs pass. Last year, out of the blue, I received a LinkedIn message from “I think you don’t understand” himself. He was trying to get me to connect him with some of the higher-ups at the company where I was working at the time, and he obviously did not remember our interaction. Sadly I was not able to help, I hope he understands!

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    6. Statler von Waldorf*

      I fully agree, reading that update put a genuine smile on my face. Revenge, like ice cream, is both sweet and a dish best served cold.

  2. CatsOnAKeyboard*

    #2 doesn’t feel like it’s with the write original letter/update? I’m not seeing the connection between the ‘is this job offer a bait and switch’ and the ‘job that isn’t the right fit’ language anywhere.

    1. FrogEngineer*

      I believe today’s update is more of an update to the update, rather than an update on the original letter.

        1. Percysowner*

          I read the linked update to #2 and to me it sounds like an update to the update of letter #1, about not fitting into their job, instead of letter #2 about a bait and switch on salary. The two don’t seem to go together.

          2. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Nope, the person who submitted the update is the person who submitted the original letter (and update) that’s linked in the post above. I’ve double checked (and now triple checked).

          3. Hlao-roo*

            The first update ends with:

            I am beyond thrilled to realize that I can leave teaching and find a job in the actual field I love. I look forward to enjoying my days, as opposed to counting down the minutes in a dead-end position. It’s possible! And I’ll update again, once I get that miracle job, LOL.

            The way I read this update, the “job that’s the right fit” from this update is “that miracle job” from the first update and the old job that “was such a bad fit for me” from this update is the “dead-end position” from the first update.

  3. Monkey Princess*

    I hear you #1. I’m living that life too. Gave up a job I loved that paid horribly for an administrative job that requires all of the things my ADHD brain are terrible at, and is generally soul sucking. But which has much higher pay, with opportunity for even more down the line, and great benefits.

    And, I hate to say it, but I think this is just what adulthood is for more people. My parents did it, and now they’re old and retired and have lots of hobbies and I can look forward to that someday. I’m still adjusting to my work not being my life, and closing my laptop after 8 hours, giving me more free time than I had in my last job. And I remind myself that my family now has really good health insurance, and that my new salary was much needed.

    1. Michelle Smith*

      I desperately want that too. I actually enjoy quite a lot of what I do at my current job, but I wish I was doing it about half the amount of hours per week/half the project load and instead had time for the things I really need to be doing – like physical therapy, errands, and resting from doing said errands and the things I really want to do – like not working. Unfortunately, I need my health insurance to stay alive. Here’s hoping that isn’t so tied to full time employment or high earning self-employment some day.

    2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I needed to see this update today to remind me not to tell my boss I’m not a good fit for my job! However, I may at some point to ask if it’s at all possible to make my role part time, which is how I started. (Understanding that the minute I have that conversation, I have to be prepared to be unemployed.) I could handle this a lot better not-full-time. In the end, I will likely quit and go back to self-employment solely so I can work half time, which I did successfully for many many years. Just not yet.

  5. Jennifer Strange*

    Sadly I was not able to help, I hope he understands!

    Gems like this make me wish we could embed gifs in comments, because that is mic drop worthy.

  7. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

    Gotta love people who think your very reasonable disagreement must mean you “don’t understand.” SMH.

  8. Capt. Liam Shaw*

    LW3: I am a big fan of just saying what it will take for them to hire me. I get you wanted a range, and they should give you something in a perfect world. But if you just say I need X/hr or X/year it really makes things easier. I always do it now if they don’t say what the pay is (and to be fair way more employers are more open about pay). I have companies tell me no sometimes, it is okay I didn’t want to work for less than I asked for.

    1. LW3*

      If I’d applied for the job I would have been more likely to do that, but they were recruiting me. Additionally, I’d passed on them in a previous job offer situation due to pay and furthermore they were asking me to spend 30 minutes on a skills assessment without telling me the pay range of the job they were assessing me for. There was no incentive for me to play mystery money games with them.

    2. LadyVet*

      Saying whatever to just get hired sounds like it could lead to a lot of wasted time for both sides.

      But as the LW said, if you’re going to try to recruit someone, you should have a number in mind before reaching out.

    3. mlem*

      And if the secret range is higher than the number you proposed, you undercut yourself. That’s why they try to hide it.

  10. LW2*

    Hi. I’m OP for 2.

    The first letter was about the bait and switch. That was just a symptom of the disease, which was me being burned out in my field.

    My update 1 explained that I talked to the director, who was kind but took no action. So, I stayed out the semester but stopped teaching after that.

    Update 2 (this one) was just me waxing rhapsodic about how it’s so great not to be unhappy at work (totally new job). I must have been in v good spirits when I wrote that! I am still at that happy job, still feel seen and appreciated every day.

      1. gmg22*

        Same here! All of LW2’s thoughts about what a healthy relationship with work can look like resonated HUGELY with me, as I’m still in an emotionally exhausting job where I’m trying to figure out how to eventually leave, but in the meantime how to stay on top of things while setting much-needed boundaries.

  11. Ned Schneebly*

    LW2: “A work issue does not immediately cross some subconscious liminal barrier to become a global, catastrophic personal crisis.”
    GOALS.

  12. Dog momma*

    Respectfully, WHY is everything ADHD? Diagnosed or not?
    Being restless or impatient happens to everybody over the course of their work life! Its normal.

    1. amoeba*

      I mean, the LW has actually been diagnosed so it *is* actually ADHD for them? And yes, occasionally feeling restless or impatient is completely normal, and no, that is not what ADHD is. Obviously some people randomly self-diagnose, but this is not what happened here, so it’s completely irrelevant?

    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Hi, I have just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. If you have ADHD, then everything IS ADHD because that’s how your brain works, and, surprise, your brain is in control of everything you do.

      Being restless and impatient is merely one symptom of ADHD. Can neurotypicals also become restless and impatient about their work life? Sure, but it’s a lot more likely for us ADHDers to become restless and impatient about our work lives. How someone gets diagnosed with ADHD is not just the one symptom (restless and impatient) but many other symptoms (look it up, I’m not going to list them here but I’m guessing trouble task switching might be something the OP exhibits (me too), which would make their kind of admin job quite difficult) in combination. And no one with ADHD has all the symptoms and some people with ADHD only have a few of the symptoms but they are pretty severe and really interfere with their lives.

      Also, ADHD is misnamed. While the name uses the term “attention deficit,” it’s not exactly a *deficit* of attention but actually difficulty *regulating* attention. So that’s why someone with ADHD might not get diagnosed with it for a long time (hello, me) because the flip side of being easily distractible is that a lot of us also can be extremely well focused (aka hyperfocused) on subjects or activities we are interested in. It has to do with dopamine and either how our bodies produce it or how they use it; our dopamine systems are a bit wonky when compared with neurotypical brains.

      Why yes, I have been hyperfocused on learning All Things ADHD lately, why do you ask?

    3. Broadway Duchess*

      Respectfully? Because sometimes when people have work-related unhappiness issues, it *is* related to ADHD.

      I have a close family member in his 20s — incredibly smart, engaging, everyone-likes-him-kind-of-person. That kind of personality helped him not get in too much trouble when he repeatedly forgot things. But he SO OFTEN forgot things and lost focus when he was t interested. He just got diagnosed a year ago (*ADHD without hyperactivity) and it has been a revelation for him. He has totally changed how he approaches things and how people relate to him. He said he used to feel overwhelmed all the time but putting a name to that and finding resources has made all the difference.

      It seems like you maybe think it’s a crutch to leap to ADHD, but a diagnosis can be life-changing for that person to understand why they are having negative experiences, including work.
      * side note: ADD apparently has gone out of use, but is more accurate to what my family member has.

    4. Slow Gin Lizz*

      My original comment to this appears to be stuck in moderation, but here’s the TL;DR version:

      Hi, I have just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. If you have ADHD, then everything IS ADHD because that’s how your brain works, and, surprise, your brain is in control of everything you do. Being restless and impatient is merely one symptom of ADHD and I think we can take the OP at their word that they have other symptoms of it too and that’s why they have it.

    5. LW1*

      Some folks below have already said this, and I’d like to echo it specifically from my perspective: when you have a neurodivergence, or disability, or anything outside of what society deems “normal”, your perspective is always through that thing. For me, it’s ADHD (and my other neurodivergences). More specifically, the way that an ADHD brain is set up, if you do not have constant stimulation, or aren’t interested in a task, you are much more likely to be restless and bored. It’s all about dopamine, how your brain (doesn’t) make it, and how you find sources for it. Work related anecdote: a lot of folks with ADHD go into jobs that are high-stress, chaotic, and have constant turnover (eg. paramedics, ER staff, working in kitchens, etc.), because the intense stress can cause a higher level of dopamine when things work out.

      On a broader scale, and this is my own reading/interpretation of your comment, there’s also a higher level of diagnosis these days because people are talking about their experiences more. My dad self-diagnosed (which is valid) when my sibling went through assessment years ago. I started doing research and looking into getting an assessment when I talked to that same sibling, and they said, “This is exactly how my brain works”. It might feel like everyone is just randomly seeking out/getting diagnosed with a condition that previously “didn’t exist”, when in reality it always existed, but the testing criteria has changed, and research and understanding of the condition has developed and deepened over time.

      Sometimes it’s a slow day and you’re bored, that’s true. But sometimes, for folks whose brains work differently than what’s deemed “normal”, it is a deep and soul crushing type of restless and boredom.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Hi LW1! Thank you for responding and here’s to ADHD solidarity! I had the experience of telling my mother and brother, months ago, why I thought I had ADHD and they both said, “Nah, that’s normal, that’s how my brain works too.” To which I did not respond but wish I had, “Maybe you both have ADHD too? Maybe??”

        Anyway, I agree with everything you said here too and wish you all the best in your ADHD journey and your career.

    6. gmg22*

      There’s something of a self-sorting bias involved in your response here, no? I would surmise that people who don’t have ADHD are more likely to respond to restlessness or impatience in a job by understanding it as what you describe, then calmly and methodically looking for a new job with relatively few emotional barriers involved. That’s why we don’t see those letters to AAM, because they have relatively little need for advice about how to navigate this particular challenge.

  13. Slow Gin Lizz*

    Hi OP1! I am also someone with an arts degree who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, welcome to the club! I hope you are able to find a bill paying job that works better for you, the one you have does sounds like my nightmare. If you haven’t already started hyperfocusing on what ADHD is and learning All the Things (like I have in the three weeks since my diagnosis), I highly recommend the YouTube channel How To ADHD. It’s been extremely eye-opening for me and I’ve already learned a bunch of tools that are helping me so far (who knows how long I’ll keep using them, though, right?). Best of luck!

    1. LW1*

      Hiya! Thanks for the camaraderie and support. Before my update was posted I had sent in a third update to Alison. I’m not sure if/when she’ll post it, but there’s some good news to it, part of which is that I’m slowly finding my place in my current role at work, and am being given growth opportunities. I’m also working on acknowledging what is genuine work mismatch/disfunction, and what is my ADHD saying “give me stimulation, please!”, and how to address the latter within the context of my job.

      I also went through a big research phase post-diagnosis (I’m still learning and reflecting). The funny thing for me is that in my research of tools to keep you surviving and thriving in a world built for neurotypicals, I learned that a lot of tools and skills that are suggested (day planners, alarms, colour coding, etc.), I was already doing. There was some comfort in that realization, but it also left me feeling a little deflated, like there weren’t *more* tools available to me. As if there is an ADHD/neurodivergence glass ceiling.

  14. Broadway Duchess*

    Respectfully? Because sometimes when people have work-related unhappiness issues, it *is* related to ADHD.

    I have a close family member in his 20s — incredibly smart, engaging, everyone-likes-him-kind-of-person. That kind of personality helped him not get in too much trouble when he repeatedly forgot things. But he SO OFTEN forgot things and lost focus when he was t interested. He just got diagnosed a year ago (*ADHD without hyperactivity) and it has been a revelation for him. He has totally changed how he approaches things and how people relate to him. He said he used to feel overwhelmed all the time but putting a name to that and finding resources has made all the difference.

    It seems like you maybe think it’s a crutch to leap to ADHD, but a diagnosis can be life-changing for that person to understand why they are having negative experiences, including work.
    * side note: ADD apparently has gone out of use, but is more accurate to what my family member has.

  15. Karmaisab*

    #3. Many years ago when I was a youth soccer coach for a kid’s team, I had an unpleasant interaction with a self-important league official. I had asked him a low-stakes question politely, and he responded in a very nasty tone.

    The following year he spammed me with his offer to videotape my team for training purposes, his side hustle. I ignored the first two messages, but I replied to the third: “I guess you don’t remember how you responded to me when I asked about … , but I do. Don’t email me again.”

    Karma is a beeyotch! Then he tried to friend me on LinkedIn years later. LOL! About 22 years ago, but I remember…

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