how to respond to “jokes” about age and weight at work

by Alison Green on August 12, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m a manager with several supervisors under me. A supervisor was “teased” by one team member for being overweight and by a different one for being “old.” Prior to these comments, the supervisor had told me that she’s watching what she eats and is trying to lose weight. She’s about my age and although she laughed at the comments made by the two employees, I am not okay with this. Should I say something to them, or address the entire office to let them know that comments about size and age are inappropriate? I have no problem saying something, but I want to choose my words carefully so I don’t go off on anyone.

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Client is pushing religion on me
  • How do we re-contact rejected applicants with offers or interview invites?
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{ 94 comments }

{ 94 comments… read them below }

  1. Ginger Cat Lady*

    People need to understand that jokes can be funny AND problematic. If someone points out that your joke was a problem, the correct answer is not “it was just a joke!” – the correct thing to do is apologize and stop making jokes at other people’s expense.
    Jokes/humor are not a screen to hide your fatphobia, racism or misogyny behind, period.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      This!

      Plus, every joke has a kernel of truth to it (which is why it’s funny to begin with), so even if they don’t believe exactly what they’re saying, it’s pointing to something they believe.

        3. BikeWalkBarb*

          I took that to mean the “truth” part is that telling the joke or laughing at it reveals that the person thinks the underlying stereotype has some element of truth, or it’s revealing a truth about how they think. “I’m laughing at this dumb blonde joke because I’ve known some dumb blondes.” “I’m making this comment about body size because I’ve bought into diet culture and judge people based on appearance.”

        4. Sarah M*

          Statler, Vio and Barb hit the nail on the head. E g., A person doesn’t tell sexist/racist/bigoted jokes unless *they* think there’s some truth to them.

    2. TeaCoziesRUs*

      It might be a joke… but this isn’t a comedy club or stand-up open mic night. Jokes have their place, but it’s not at work.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah. Jokes at other people’s expense aren’t appropriate at work. Dad jokes and other similarly inoffensive jokes might be fine, depending on company culture.

  2. learnedthehardway*

    As the manager, you have a lot of clout here and really need to shut this kind of thing down with prejudice. It’s not a joke to comment about someone’s age or appearance at work. Full stop.

    Age and appearance have real economic implications for people. And that’s over and above the common courtesy of not commenting negatively on people’s appearance / physical attributes.

    1. Nah*

      yeah, if they’re saying this to other managers/supervisors (and possibly in front of their boss?), I’m concerned what they’re saying to their reports and other people lower than them in the company (that may likely not get reported due to company politics). Definitely shut this down asap, OP!

      1. Orv*

        It’s a protected class within certain bounds. Basically you can discriminate against someone for being younger, but not for being older.

        3. BikeWalkBarb*

          Since this concerned jokes about being older I meant the age of the person being commented on was in a protected class. Could have been more clear in my comment.

    3. Judy*

      And what about when the person making the comments is the manager? Every time I ask about an incoming new hire my manager will describe them as older or younger than me (me being the oldest person in the office). Every time she does it I can’t figure out what her point is. So what if the person is 10 years younger or 2 years older? Just feels wrong but I can never think of a good response.

  3. Lab Boss*

    Addressing the entire office isn’t a good idea unless the problem is truly endemic to the entire office. The people who are making rude jokes never think their jokes are a problem and the announcement will often go over their head, and the butt of their jokes is likely to end up feeling like they’ve been spotlighted in a bad way. (Source: I’m pretty fat. When a similar situation happened a boss made a team-wide announcement and it basically felt like they were saying “hey, everyone, see how fat Lab Boss is? Don’t joke about that. His fatness, I mean.”)

    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Damn, that kicks me in the teeth to imagine that. I’m sorry they did that to you.

  4. BellaStella*

    Agree with the advice given. Pull the people who made the jokes into a meeting and clarify it is not acceptable. Make them apologise. Then have a required team meeting to clarify the company policy line on these things for all the team noting it is not ok and will not be tolerated. Note also corporate risk exposure to them all.

    1. Bonkers*

      Make them apologize? If I was the recipient of the joke, and then got called into a meeting with the joker(s) and made to listen to a half-hearted grade-school style apology, I would be so embarrassed and doubly-humiliated.

      1. Pizza Rat*

        I agree. I’ve never seen making someone apologize do any relationship any good. It may very well foster resentment on the joker’s part and make things worse.

    2. dulcinea47*

      absolutely do not make adults apologize, that’s insulting to the intelligence of everyone involved.

      1. allathian*

        Don’t make children apologize either, until and unless they feel remorse. Otherwise it’s just a “get out of jail” card. Likewise, don’t force kids to accept an apology until they’re ready. When someone treats them poorly, they’re allowed to stay mad for as long as they want, even if the culprit apologizes. I think the Christian philosophy of turning the other cheek has a lot to answer for. I only apoogize (for serious transgressions) when doing so makes me feel better regardless of whether the other person accepts my apology or not. (My threshold for social apologies for minor transgressions like bumping into someone by accident, which happens sometimes because I’m clumsy, is a lot lower. I’ll even apologize to inanimate objects like doors when I walk into them!)

    3. BikeWalkBarb*

      It would be more constructive to ask them to do some work on their own to understand why they think jokes about age, weight and other appearance-related things are okay (they’ve internalized a lot of cultural norms and stereotypes), to identify what they’re specifically going to learn or work on to catch themselves, and maybe at some point to share that with others. They need to do harm reduction work on themselves before any apology would feel genuine to others.

    4. Non non non all the way home*

      Please please please do not make them apologize! This is mortifying on so many levels.

    5. Walk on the Left Side*

      Agree with the replies above that making someone apologize is not constructive.

      What could be, depending on the person, is coaching them on how to gracefully handle the situation where someone calls their speech out in the moment. There will be other cases where they say something inappropriate — not because they’re a bad person, but because we all make mistakes and we all have more to learn. They can’t rewrite the past with a half-hearted apology, but they can work on better responses for the future.

  5. CatsNotKids*

    Re: “jokes” – the LW mentions that the supervisor had told her in the past that she was trying to lose weight and I’m not sure why the LW included that information. I mention this because there’s such a thing as being a “good fat”, what that means is either a fat person themselves who volunteers that they work out or that they’re trying to lose weight, in order to be seen as a “good fat”, meaning a person who is actively trying not to be fat so we shouldn’t be too hard on them. Sometimes it comes from the fat person themselves because we are conditioned to think that we only deserve respect if we are smaller, so we want people to know at least we’re trying to change.

    And sometimes it comes from straight-sized people who think more highly of fat people who are actively trying to be smaller or “healthier”.

    My point is that all fat people deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of whether they are actively trying to lose weight or not. It was a bit of an odd detail to include so that’s why I commented on it.

    In this case, I agree with the advice here. Talk to the two people who made those remarks and tell them that commenting on another employee’s body or age, even if it’s meant as a joke or to be complimentary, is not OK. Those things aren’t up for discussion. Even if it’s a boomer joke it’s not OK.

    The fact that the supervisor laughed at these comments doesn’t mean she was OK with it. Fat people develop coping mechanisms to deal with this type of situation, and a lot of times that’s pretending it doesn’t bother you. Don’t assume you know how she felt about it just because she laughed.

    1. renata ricotta*

      I think that detail was included because it is an indication that the target of the “joke” was likely to have been hurt by it, since the person has expressed they are attempting to lose weight. If one already feels dissatisfied with something about themselves, a “joke” about that topic is highly likely to sting (or worse).

      Sometimes in situations like this there are protestations about how it’s POSSIBLE the target was totally fine with it, blah blah blah. It sounds like that’s probably not the case here. And of course it doesn’t matter; those comments are hurtful/offensive enough of the time that they just don’t need to be made at all.

      1. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        I also read it as the target felt OBLIGATED to include that she was trying to lose weight. It is a default defense mechanism whenever weight is brought up.

        1. Plus Size*

          I’m fat and I’ve often felt obligated to mention that yes I do exercise or trying to lose weight and I probably would have in this situation. CatsNotKids calls it “good fat.” I’ve been referring to it as “performative fat.”

          There are still many people who will judge a fat person as lazy, undisciplined, and sometimes downright immoral, promulgating the idea thin people are morally superior, so it’s a common self-defense mechanism.

          It’s tiring

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            It’s like the “deserving” vs. “undeserving” poor in Victorian thought (savagely parodied by George Bernard Shaw in Pygmalion, and later in the musical My Fair Lady) where some people were unfortunate, sent to us by God to test our charitable impulses, and others were filthy vermin.

            In both cases it’s a blend of power tripping, personal fear of having X happen to the mocker, and hypocrisy.

          3. Walk on the Left Side*

            I like the term “performative fat” more than “good fat” here, though “performative” still often feels like it carries a faint pejorative connotation. As long as we remember that this kind of performance is commonly done as a defense mechanism against those people who will absolutely judge a fat person as (literally any negative thing) and not necessarily because the person currently being “performatively fat” actually believes those things.

            Ugh, society sometimes.

            Signed, overweight over-40 woman in tech.

    2. Llama Lover*

      I didn’t take it as a way of describing the colleague as a “good” fat person – and that’s absolutely a thing. I took it as this person had mentioned they’re trying to lose weight in the past, so this “joke” might have stung more than I would have otherwise thought.

    3. Meep*

      I think you are adding your own insecurities into this and reading too much into it. I read it as simply as it adds an extra sting because she is currently trying to lose weight (and there is nothing she can do about aging). Whether she is trying to be seen as “good fat” or not, there is no indication and thrusting that onto the supervisor is the same as making these jokes – hurtful.

    4. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

      The idea that this sort of thing is okay because some people are “totally fine” with it needs to due in a fire, imo.

      First of all, I very much doubt that this supervisor was “totally fine” with it. Certainly the vast majority of people are not “totally fine” with being the butt of such jokes, despite how they may respond outwardly. Laughing at a joke made at one’s own expense proves absolutely nothing either way.

      Second, even IF some people really are “totally fine” with this kind of ribbing (which I very much doubt), there is absolutely way to be sure which ones they are in advance. It therefore only makes sense to avoid making these kinds of jokes in the first place so as to avoid the possibility (likelihood) of hurting people.

      Unfortunately, there are too many people who believe their own humor is uproariously funny and assume others will find it funny as well. These are often the same people who react defensively to anyone being hurt or offended by one of their “witty” remarks.

      “It was only a joke” translates to “I think it was funny, and if you don’t agree, then either your sense of humor is faulty, your skin is too thin, or both.” NOT true.

      I am reminded of an episode of The Big Bang Theory, in which Leonard ran into a guy who had bullied him relentlessly in high school.The bully reminisced fondly about cruel pranks he had played on Leonard and was astounded to learn that Leonard didn’t find them at all funny, at the time or at present.

      People who make these kinds of jokes are like a milder version of that bully, wrapped up in their own amusement at how “funny” they think they are and oblivious to how their actions affect others. In the workplace, they need to be reined in, and I applaud the manager who wrote in for realizing that this kind of thing needs to be addressed.

      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        There was an old episode of Monk where he had to clear the name of a guy who was a bully to him, and who said, “but you gave as good as you got” when it was clearly not the case. And there’s the guy in Central Intelligence who bullied Dwayne Johnson…

      3. Becca*

        That’s a good point. I wouldn’t say I was bullied in school, nothing that rose the the cruelty that many children and teenagers sadly experience, but I was nerdy, shy and deeply “uncool” by the standards of my peers and occasionally experienced comments and “banter” which wasn’t funny to me.

        Mid-teens I had an unexpected significant rise in confidence, suddenly I was no longer shy or mortified by the comments at and could laugh along and banter back at them all. Once I stopped being so upset I realised they basically fell into two categories. The majority were joking and having fun, didn’t especially care about my feelings either way and likely had no idea how much distress they’d been causing. A smaller minority were seriously angry with life and the jokes weren’t jokes at all but kicking out at someone more vulnerable out of anger. One lad in particular veered wildly between being quite civil and hugely aggressive to me and I concluded that whatever was going on it wasn’t related to me at all. A couple of years later I discovered that his dad had been dying of cancer at the time.

    5. Becca*

      I also interpreted this as the letter writer worrying more because having heard her colleague talk about trying to lose weight she (likely correctly) assumed the colleague isn’t happy or confident in her current body shape and would therefore not find it easy to laugh off teasing based on her weight (even if she pretended to convincingly).

    6. Also-ADHD*

      I think that was included to say that the person was sensitive to that particular issue/kind of insult, not to suggest it would be fine to insult them if they weren’t but to point out that it’s extra bad here and causing that employee even more distress?

    7. WiscoKate*

      The supervisor’s comment about trying to lose weight caught me the same too. I’m also fat, and we’ve been so conditioned to think that we have to justify our bodies that it’s a natural defense mechanism to being teased/bullied/etc. We have to prove that we deserve to be treated well because we are trying to change something distasteful about ourselves.

  6. Guest*

    WRT LW1, I don’t like Alison’s “even if you’re joking around” because that gives the people making the rude comments an opening to say they were “just kidding.” The supervisor needs to say “comments about age and weight are not acceptable and will not be tolerated.”

    1. renata ricotta*

      That’s exactly the point of including the “even if you’re joking” language — to make it clear that the intent is irrelevant, so “I was just kidding” will not be considered a legitimate response.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      You’ve got that backwards. It doesn’t give them an opening or legitimize the “just kidding” response, it preemptively shuts down that excuse.

  8. Orora*

    I have had companies reach back out to me after I wasn’t selected for a position. I never felt like I was “second choice”. I was glad to have options (especially if I was unemployed at the time).

    1. Orv*

      Having seen this from the other side, it’s not uncommon to have multiple applicants we think would work out in the position. Often picking just one of them to send an offer to is an arbitrary choice. It doesn’t necessarily mean the runner-up was inferior.

      1. Antilles*

        Yeah, from the company side, we almost always come away from the interviews with multiple candidates who legitimately meet the bar of “good enough we’d hire them”. We hire (what we think is) the best candidate because we’ve only got one opening, even though the second and third place finisher would usually be a perfectly viable hire too.

    3. Pizza Rat*

      I actually knew I was second choice, but then the first choice didn’t show up for their first day, so I got the job anyway. It was a great position and I’m glad I took it.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        That’s how I got my two favorite jobs. One lasted four years before the place laid off people, and the next “2nd runner up” job lasted almost 20 years, until age and laziness looked even better.

    3. allathian*

      Indeed. Beauty is largely the result of lucky genetics and youth is a temporary thing. We all age at the same rate, one day at a time (although admittedly some people manage to remain youthful-looking longer than others). That said, in spite of ageism, I’m much happier in my 50s than I ever was in my 20s and I wouldn’t go back even if I could. I’d like my 20 year old health and vitality back, but I rather enjoy being practically invisible when I’m out in public. I don’t miss the catcalls and attention from random strangers.

  10. DJ Abbott*

    Having grown up in a fundamentalist area, these pushy types are never satisfied. No matter how much you say no, they keep pushing. The only thing that would stop them is getting what they want-forcing you to join their church and follow their rules.
    Alison’s suggestions are good, but the client might not stop. If she doesn’t stop, LW will have to be firm about not helping her unless she stops.
    If she doesn’t stop then, they might have to stop helping her.

  11. HonorBox*

    Regarding the third letter, I think this is a perfect situation for an employer to be totally honest and open. The truth of the matter is that you really liked more candidates than positions/funding available to hire. Now there’s more funding which allows more positions. Going back to a candidate or multiple candidates that could easily have hired before and asking if they’d be interested now makes perfect sense. There may be some who are perfectly happy in their roles and turn you down. There may be some who have some sort of negative feeling, and that’s OK too. But there are probably more than one who would take you up on the opportunity.

  12. Funko Pops Day*

    Alison, I’m curious whether there’s a point at which the client proselytizing creates liability for the employer. If this was a colleague doing this in every interaction, and the company allowed it to continue without consequences or intervention, presumably they’d be open to a religious discrimination claim for a hostile work environment on the basis of OP’s (perceived lack of) belief? Is there any similar responsibility for the company when it’s a repeat client? Or even a continued pattern from one-time clients?

    1. DJ Abbott*

      Not Alison and not a lawyer, but in our yearly sexual-harassment training, it was mentioned that the employer has a responsibility to stop customers from harassing employees. Maybe that would apply to religious harassment also.

      1. Kevin Sours*

        I don’t think it’s that clear. There is a duty to prevent harassment of your employees and that does not exclude harassment by clients or third party vendor. However if this is a public “must serve” role (as it sounds like it may be) it gets murkier. There is a limit to what you can do to make somebody stop misbehaving and if removing them isn’t an option …

      2. Harassment*

        The company absolutely has a responsibility to prevent a customer/client from harassing an employee.

  13. HailRobonia*

    I was stuck at a work event talking to a client who glommed onto the fact that I have a not-uncommon name that’s in the Bible and he used my name as an opening to “witness” to me. I just smiled and nodded a bit then wandered away when he was distracted.

    1. allathian*

      Yeah, it’s worse when you’re sitting behind a desk and it’s basically the client who controls when they leave, assuming they aren’t disruptive enough that security needs to be called to remove them by force, and that isn’t the case here. The client isn’t physically violent, even if the proselytizing can feel terrible.

  14. Statler von Waldorf*

    There are times when the advice Alison gives here is useful across the board in a wide variety of industries. This isn’t one of those times. In an white-collar environment this might be good advice, but any blue-collar manager who tried this would be in for a world of frustration.

    I once spent eight months at a job being called Fat Larry because I made a joke from a video game in my first week on the job. I am fat, but my name isn’t Larry. I made the mistake of protesting this, so it was my nickname for the entire time I worked there and they used it even harder.

    At least I made out better than Ratf***er. I never did find out his real name or why that was his nickname. Even his boss called him that.

    1. Happy Camper*

      I’m so sorry but this made me laugh so hard. Obviously those names shouldn’t be used but as someone with lots of blue-collar friends it is so accurate and your writing about it is so matter of fact!

    2. Rick Tq*

      It is the same with any environment with lots of active or ex- miliary or aviation people. You will get a nickname that will stick until you do something notable enough to merit replacement. Notable good OR notable bad

      1. AF Vet*

        It’s a callsign… and the best have stories attached to them that will make the person blush heavily before starting the story. :D

        The most boring are derivations of the last name. That’s just not creative.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      It everyone takes the approach you are, saying “This is just how it is in blue collar work” then nothing will change.
      And that’s not okay.

      1. Rick Tq*

        If you don’t have a nickname in that kind of environment you are either too senior to be in the field or too junior to be useful. If you can do your job properly you will eventually get a nickname. If you can’t? You won’t last. Besides, you might have many Johns or Mikes or Larrys on a site but only one Fat Larry.. Nicknames make communications clearer in what could be a confusing environment.

        Same with profanity in a kitchen, it is just part of life in a high-stress demanding environment.

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          Like the nicknames in the second Top Gun movie–Bob was actually called ‘Bob’ but they meant it as Baby on board because he was the youngest.

        2. metadata minion*

          Is there some reason the nickname has to be an offensive one to provide clear communication? This sort of thing may also be why you have many Johns and Mikes and Larrys but only one Susan, because we all know the kinds of nicknames Susan is going to get.

          1. Rick Tq*

            If you haven’t been there you really don’t know MM.
            A: Nicknames don’t have to be offensive, just memorable. We had a 6ft+ sonar tech named “Too Tall” and a short mechanic known to one and all as “Squatty Body”.
            B: She may just go by Susan but if there are animation fans she may get tagged with Ginormica (especially if she is a little short).

    5. Orv*

      Reminds me of a guy my dad knew who managed to run over his own leg while launching a boat. He was forever known as “Speedbump” after that.

    6. Brin*

      I agree the context might be different in blue collar work, but is this maybe about equality and exclusion? If everybody has a nasty nickname, and it’s considered fair game where everyone calls each other shorty, fatty, grandpa, stinker or whatever , it feels less othering, might even show a level of community trust. But in white collar contexts calling each other names is not usually a thing, so jokes about weight or age comes across as nastier, and if you are called that you can’t retaliate as easily.

      1. allathian*

        That’s it. Blue collar and military (adjacent) jobs are very different in this regard than office jobs.

        1. Rick Tq*

          Very different is an understatement. Someone coming in without experience means they will be tested for being a good individual partner and a good team member. Now, there are limits to testing newer employees (hazing is never OK) but everyone is tested to see if they can perform to the level required as part of the team.

          Someone who tries to tone-police the environment without being Really Senior management will be ignored at the very least.

  15. The golden typewriter*

    Every time my brother makes a joke about my weight, i say “what an odd comment to make.”

    1. allathian*

      Indeed. I’m glad you aren’t taking his “jokes” without commenting on them, but it doesn’t seem to be helping since he continues to make the jokes. Did he bully you when you were kids?

  16. MadisonCat*

    One of the things that worries me about this scenario, in which two separate team members made inappropriate, unwelcome comments to an older female supervisor, is its suggestion of what in Europe might be called “workplace mobbing” —more than one employee singling out a colleague for harassment or ill treatment. When this behavior comes from subordinates, it also raises the question of their interests in diminishing the status of the woman involved — and elevating their own.

  17. nonprofitpro*

    This shouldn’t be a requirement for your staff, but it is a good reminder to me how important bystander intervention is. I was around someone who was a bit larger and he made a joke when he got in the elevator about his weight. A woman immediately piped up “no body shaming here” and I haven’t heard him make similiar comment and she let us all know her thoughts as a senior VP. I’ve also heard someone who had the most entry level position in the company say something similiar and it was equally respected and I learned from her in that moment.

  18. Crone*

    I left a job because there was a LOT of focus on my age, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. It’s really inappropriate for people to make these comments at work!

  19. ijustworkhere*

    I hear horrible comments in my workplace about anyone over about age 55—“When is he going to retire? Why is grandpa still working? She’s been here since Jesus was a baby.” I think age discrimination is still prevalent and still quite acceptable.

    Even our DEI office doesn’t talk about it—they spend a lot of time on race and gender (and rarely, religious observations), but are completely silent about age.

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