I’m intensely jealous of my coworker

by Alison Green on September 24, 2024

A reader writes:

I am extremely jealous of my coworker, and I have no idea what to do about it.

My coworker, let’s call her Lacy, and I started in the same entry-level position around the same time (Lacy started a few months before me). We’re similar in age and, while Lacy graduated from a much better university than me, had similar majors.

It was a terrible working environment for a long time due to our toxic manager, and Lacy and I bonded a lot over surviving. Then, about two years ago, there was a total overhaul of our department and our manager was replaced, along with almost all of the team except for the two of us.

Since then, Lacy has been promoted twice and makes almost 50% more than me, and I … am still in the same position. Objectively, I can understand why this happened. Lacy is very skilled and calm under pressure. Meanwhile, I struggle with socializing and really can’t handle pressure. In fact, even after her promotions, Lacy sometimes helps me with the more high-stress parts of my job.

I know all this objectively, but I am so, so jealous of her. When she got her first promotion, I had to leave the building because I was beginning to cry in front of her and our new manager. When her second promotion was announced, I had a panic attack and had to take a sick day. Sometimes, I can’t help but delay tasks that Lacy asks me to do because if she’s so great, surely she can do it herself (I know this isn’t how it works, this is just how I think in the moment). It’s hard for me to say thank you when she helps me out because it just feels like she’s rubbing it in, even though I know she isn’t.

It’s been two years, but I can’t adjust. My manager has talked to me about it several times throughout the years, and no one has mentioned firing or a PIP, but I’m sick of feeling this way. I know that this is on me, but I’m struggling so much. How can I change?

Two things: Change jobs, and therapy.

Change jobs because you’re miserable in this one! You’re comparing yourself to Lacy and having panic attacks over her accomplishments and even doing worse work yourself out of resentment, which risks harming you professionally. It sounds like you’ve been at this job for a number of years — and you’re deeply unhappy. Why not leave? You don’t need to stay and feel tortured.

But it’s essential to also pair that with therapy, because Lacy isn’t going to be the last person you encounter who triggers these feelings. I suppose it’s possible that there’s something specific to Lacy that’s unlikely to come up again — you’re similar ages and backgrounds, you started at the same time, you trauma-bonded together, and so it feels like whatever she achieves that you don’t reflects on you — but your reaction to her success has been intense enough that something is going on internally that’s not about Lacy and that’s likely to pop up in other ways in your life and make you unhappy, even after you’re long gone from this job. That’s therapy stuff.

Meanwhile, though, while you’re working on whatever those issues turn out to be (and it may be a while, because a lot of therapists have waiting lists for new patients right now and because even once you start, progress takes time), you really don’t need to keep trying to power through this.

If it were easy to solve with logic or mental reframing, you would have already done it.

Give yourself the gift of changing jobs. But also give yourself the gift of committing to delve into (with help) what led you here.

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{ 159 comments }

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    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      It was pretty spot on, too.
      There will always be someone smarter, more attractive, wealthier in some way. We just need to figure out how to deal with it in a healthy manner.
      OP, you can be a Lacy too – the best version of yourself that can do all of the things Lacy does. As long as you put the work in. Otherwise, Alsion is right – you’ll just meet another Lacy. Get the therapy and make the changes – the sooner you do, the easier it will be and the faster you can become your own Lacy. :)

      1. StellaPDXAmanda*

        I also thank Alison for her compassionate answer. Trauma bonding over a bad boss is so true. I also had a bit of the green-eyed monster when others would get promoted around me and I was left behind. Best decision I did was go to another company where I am making more money, also getting recognized for my potential into promotions, but also trauma bonding with new co-workers. It is normal to get jealous at times of others successes, but therapy can assist in why this is triggering you in such a way. Good luck!

        1. MsM*

          Or even better than trauma bonding with new coworkers, being in an environment where you’re not constantly bracing yourself for more traumatic developments because that’s what you’ve learned to expect from this place, which hopefully makes it easier to take unexpected developments or times when you need to socialize in stride.

      2. Specks*

        Yes. And the other thing I want to say is that Lacy is a superstar. And some people are just superstars at everything, but most of us are not and that’s ok.

        The key — and I’ve figured this out after a lot of not feeling as good as the superstars or as good as I knew I could be — is to find the right job and environment (and you know, broader life stuff, but that’s not the point here). I was just good and solid in a lot of jobs before I found one that was just right where I know I did the job better than most others, I truly enjoyed the day to day, the environment was perfect. Then I lost that job to a big layoff, but that’s beside the point — I’ve found another since that’s a better fit for my current life situation. But now I know what I like and what I’m great at.

        OP, this job is just not right for you if you’re not happy. You need slightly different tasks or a different environment or a different mindset. Something. If you want to shine at your job, find one that sets you up for shining.

        I do also want to say that it’s ok to not be a superstar at work, period. Work is not all there is to life. Right now I love my job and I think I do an excellent job (again, find your niche!), but what I really want to be is a superstar mother to my toddler. And I could do even better at my job but I’m not interested in that because that’s not my priority. So what else in your life is missing? What would you like to develop instead of or in tandem with happiness at work?

        1. MagnaCarta*

          I realize how this might come across but it might be helpful for OP to hear.

          OP, I *am* a superstar. I am a Lacey. In my current position I’ve been promoted twice in 3 years, with a third promotion possibly on the horizon as my responsibilities are about to expand.

          And — I am sometimes (ok… often) *intensely* jealous of others. I really think that some of us are just more prone to this feeling, and nothing will ultimately stop it altogether. I’m a happy graduate of years of therapy. That means that today I can anticipate what’s going to bring the jealousy out (usually other people getting promoted, sometimes being shut out of “important” meetings) and take the space to let the feelings work their way through. Then I try to reorient myself in a direction that reliably counteracts the jealousy, which usually means leaning further into tasks or collaborations that make me feel secure and useful.

          I say this for two reasons: 1, the goal of therapy is not to make these feelings go away (unrealistic) but it can help you understand them better and find better ways to cope with them. And 2, in my opinion Specks is 100% correct that the best thing you can do is lean into what’s really important to you and where you feel you shine (inside or outside of work). That’s what you’ll rely on at the end of the day whenever those feelings do come up. And therapy can also help you recognize and identify those things :)

          1. Wendy Darling*

            A lot of what I do in therapy now is teach myself to go “Yep, that sure is a feeling! Is it helpful? No? Then we are going to wave hello to it as it goes by and move along.”

        2. Anon for this*

          I was the superstar at my previous job, which I left because I was exhausted. I’m definitely not a superstar now, but I’m much happier.
          Also, I can relate to OP because I also have a Lacy at my current job, and I have to admit that for a while I was sort of waiting to see if she was going to burn out like I did… and she did. After a couple of years as a high performer, she now scaled way back and we’re working at similar levels again.
          I’m not saying the same thing will happen to Lacy or that it should! But keep in mind that there’s so much about Lacy you don’t know, and so much can still change for you.

          1. Crooked Bird*

            I honestly often think people think in terms of “how good so-and-so is at this thing” when the reality is more “how much of themselves so-and-so gives to this thing.” Not saying skills and gifts aren’t a thing, of course, but focus and energy make SO much difference. And it’s each person’s choice where to bestow their focus and energy, aka their life.

            (I used to notice a simpler version of this when I was younger, i.e. people would say “so and so changed so much when she got married”…. when, often, the only thing that changed as her focus, i.e. how much attention she had to offer to the person speaking! It’s often not about who you are but about what you do–what you choose to do.)

            1. Crooked Bird*

              (And of course, sometimes the focus and energy someone gives to something is not sustainable over the long-term. Which is what happened w/ you & the other superstar, Anon, & is what brought these thoughts up for me.)

              (& another thing I’m trying to say is, sometimes your energy level or your personal life doesn’t allow you to give as much to your work as someone else is giving, and that is OK. You don’t know the cost someone else may be paying for their stardom… or maybe they can handle it fine… or maybe they can today but won’t be able to tomorrow. Life is a mystery and comparisons are pretty much doomed to be inaccurate.)

            2. Ellie*

              Some people do just have a lot of raw talent though. Some people are smarter than others. I know its easier said than done, but there is no point in being jealous. It doesn’t change a thing about them, and it only ends up hurting you.

              I had an absolute rockstar on my old team, he was fantastic, witty, humble, and compassionate. But it was so hard to keep anyone else in that team long-term, because he would destroy other people’s confidence just by being there. People would spend three weeks trying to work out a problem, and he’d take a brief look at it with them, and have it all worked out within an hour. He rocked peoples confidence so much that several left the field entirely, thinking that they were terribly incompetent, when they were being told, weekly (sometimes daily) that they were not, they were doing really well. In the end I was only hiring really confident people with high self-esteem, because I knew anyone else would leave.

        3. Details&Pearls*

          I want to second this! It is *okay* not to be a superstar at work. You can still add value to your team. Accepting this has made me a lot happier.

          I have something to add. You can switch jobs and see a mental health therapist per this great advice. You can also consider seeing a psychiatrist. (If no one is accessible to you in town or via tele-health, you can also talk to your primary care physician.)

          Medication has been a very helpful part of my wellness. At first, I was only on a low dose of one medication, and I went from crying a couple times a week to a few times a month. My day-to-day life was just healthier.

      3. Smithy*

        I would add to this list – there will always be someone “luckier”. Luck can encompass those pieces such as being attractive or born into wealth, but it can also include career aspects that can happen where someone gets the chance to step up and into growth roles sooner for reasons that don’t really apply to hard work or fairness.

        The first boss I had who was my age got the role basically because he’d started working there two years before me at a time when they decided to elevate that role to director which had triple the salary. After I started working for him, it was pretty clear that he didn’t have much more experience than me and wasn’t great at managing people. So it was quite frankly easy to be jealous that because of circumstance he was in that role.

        It was only by untying how I felt about him with how I felt about the job, that it was clear that the job and organization wasn’t great. It allowed me to focus on myself and getting into a better job/organization and being less involved in him.

        It was easy for me to be jealous, but by focusing more on myself, I was able to see his situation disconnected from mine. He was making that much with comparatively limited responsibilities which put him in a golden handcuffs situation. Where to continue making that salary, he had to apply for jobs that were just more demanding and his resume wasn’t that competitive. And we did not work a great place.

        It’s been years, and even with growth I still am not making what he was. But I’ve worked for far healthier employers, in more supportive environments and am personally far happier.

        1. Great Frogs of Literature*

          Agreed — I had a similar situation where I had a peer get promoted to boss, because he’d just been there a few years longer. He was a great mentor but only a mediocre boss, and while I wasn’t precisely jealous of him, I was aware that there were things he wasn’t handling well that I could have done better. I hit a — it was partly a glass ceiling, but I think there was some other departmental weirdness — and got a better job. I don’t know if I’m happier that he is at this point, but I’m definitely happier than I would be with his job. I suspect that I make more money than he does. I have a better title and career story, and do more interesting and cutting-edge work, and expect that within the next few years I’ll be able to parlay that into making a LOT more money than he does.

          Sometimes people are luckier. And sometimes the path you take because you didn’t get that particular lightning-stroke of luck is a much better path, at least for you.

          1. Smithy*

            Absolutely.

            I also think for people in their 20’s and 30’s – it’s very easy to forget that most of us will need to work for at least another 30-40 years. And so finding a path that suits ourselves both in and out of the office for the long term is just so much more important than where we are in comparison to someone for a few years.

          2. Bitte Meddler*

            At my last job, someone who was hired 1.5 years after me got promoted before me. This happened last summer.

            He was an in-the-office-all-the-time kind of a guy and, well, he was a guy. The VP of the department and 3/4’s of the managers were men, and they were all very chummy with each other.

            The nanosecond I heard about his promotion, I flipped my LinkedIn status to “open to recruiters” and was out of there in under two months.

            My new role is fully remote, a two-level title bump, and pays 35% more than my last job, which is 25% more than what ex-coworker is earning with his promotion.

            There’s no way I could have stayed at Old Job and done well. In my case, it would have been anger — not jealousy — that did me in.

    4. MFNDL*

      As someone who is working on getting (intentionally) demoted right now, I agree fully.

      So Lacey is better at office politics and stressful situations. More power to her! You are almost certainly better than her at something else. You’re different, and that doesn’t make you worse or less valuable in any way.

      Feeling pressure to promote is perfectly normal in our capitalist society, but that doesn’t mean it has to align with your own goals and values. Or if it does, somewhere there is a role you can promote into that IS perfect for you!

  2. CityMouse*

    Alison nailed this advice. One, you shouldn’t stay at a job that is causing you this much distress but Two, comparing yourself to Lacy isn’t good and you need to learn how to deal with coworkers having success. You’re sabotaging yourself here.

    1. alice*

      I feel like LW would do well to look up “rejection sensitivity dysphoria.” I’m not diagnosing them at all, but they might find some good resources for people who struggle with rejection (whether perceived or real) at this level where it starts to really negatively impact their mental health and ability to do their job. The self-sabotage is so real and feels like a cycle that’s impossible to break, so LW has to remove themself from the situation as Alison said.

  3. Alan*

    Re “you really don’t need to keep trying to power through this”, I love this. I was raised not to be a “quitter”. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve bailed on something. But every time I do, the feeling of relief is amazing. Sometimes something just isn’t a good fit, and it’s okay to recognize that and say “No more”.

      1. Archi-detect*

        yup- they will quit you if it makes business sense, and the mantra of not quitting only makes sense to me for specific duration commitments- i.e. finishing a degree or not quitting soccer during the season. Both people and businesses are changing things and need to be able to move on when that is the best choice for them.

      2. Cmdrshprd*

        I think as with most things there is nuance that is often overlooked in short/quick sound bite quotes.
        To me “Don’t be a quitter.” is don’t quit something/everything just because of the first obstacle you face, like with hobbies/sports/instruments etc…. you need to take give it some good effort and time.

        It does not mean you need to keep pursuing it to the very end no matter how bad you are at it or don’t like it for the sake of not quitting. If after a reasonable amount of time, one or two seasons/sessions/years you still want/feel like quitting, yes go ahead and quit.

        Like don’t quit every job after 4-8 months if things are a bit hard, try to give it a year or two, but some jobs are such a bad fit that quitting after 4-8 months is okay.

      3. MsM*

        Don’t even think of it as quitting. Think of it as pivoting to a new direction. Just because some people use that kind of language in a weasel-words way doesn’t mean it can’t be 100% sincere for you.

    3. Those Aren't the Droids I'm Looking For*

      @Alan: I feel that. One thing that helped me a lot was reframing it in my head as “cutting my losses” rather than “quitting” and reminding myself that the sunk cost fallacy was a real thing.

    4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      It’s not quitting, its moving on. Not everything has to be seen to completion (however defined) before one moves on.

      Yes, OP. You started with she went to a better university. I think you have felt inferior to Lacy for a long time. it’s affecting you physically and mentally. You need to move on to something else.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, leaving a job you’ve been successful at after this long is not “quitting”. People are allowed to leave jobs. Especially if you are consistently unhappy.

      2. Smithy*

        Yup….I know so many people get fixated on certain steps at their current employer because of what feels fair. They’ve been there X time, and therefore deserve Y promotion. But in so many of those situations, the promotion is for a job they don’t want and they’ve lost track of how much money would even come along with the promotion. It’s just fixating on that promotion being what’s right or fair.

        Fighting for a prize you don’t even want to win ultimately only impacts you.

      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        Oh god this. Yes. Why are you hanging in there and making yourself miserable. No one is going to clap at the end.

      2. Seashell*

        Especially if it’s already been two years. Changing jobs too quickly is not going to be an issue at that point.

      3. Tobias Funke*

        In my home we call this “you don’t get points for that” and joke extensively about the more controlling and anxious people in the family sending out our “points” at the end of the month for unnecessary suffering and working harder not smarter.

    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      Yes 1000%! I have stayed in jobs I’ve been miserable at because I was raised with the idea that winners never quit. And that anything could be achieved if you worked hard enough. Which is good in theory when you’re a kid and it’s just that soccer practice got tough, but in practice it can mean you’re an adult stuck at a job you hate that makes you miserable, but you think that you can’t leave and your misery is your own personal failing and you don’t deserve to take the slacker way out of just quitting.

      It’s ok to quit a job that isn’t working out. It’s smart to quit a job that isn’t working out.

      1. Ms. Eleanous*

        Quitting is underrated

        I was in public school the whole way. By second grade, I had figured out that school was really teaching us great skills to work on an assembly line (attendance, punctuality, don’t quit, time in measured rather than skills gained, etc).

        I mentioned this to someone as an adult, and he said he had just finished his dissertation on the history of public education (in Pennsylvania).

        Initially, public education was funded by the factory owners, who wanted a better trained workforce.

        We all have a lot to unlearn.

        1. Bitte Meddler*

          Do you have a source for “Initially, public education was funded by the factory owners…”? Because I can’t find anything that says that.

          The history I’m seeing goes from religious / private schools to federal land grants for public schools to taxpayer-funded “common schools”. There’s nothing about factory owners paying for schools.

          1. Boof*

            Yeah I’m fairly sure originally it was a religious thing (in europe) felt it was important to teach people to read so they could read the bible themselves, then maybe something something french revolution?

            1. NotAManager*

              Yeah, honestly the factory owners had a lot to lose from publicly funded education because it meant a portion of their workforce was otherwise occupied for 6-7 hours a day. Depending on the kind of work being done, school-age children were either employed to work in the factory itself or they were given piece work to be completed at home. Universal public education got such a big push in the 19th century in part because reformers were trying to curb/end child labor practices.

    7. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      Totally! When I reframed it from ‘quitting’ to ‘redirecting to the right thing’ it was much easier to leave situations that weren’t right for me.

    8. NotThatDog*

      My favourite story relating to this is the story about the old man and the old dog on the porch. The dog is laying at the man’s feet and keeps vocalising/yowling/ in discomfort. A person walks past and asks the old man if the dog ok. the man replies “oh he’s lying on a nail” so the second person says “so why doesn’t he just get up? can’t he?” and the old man replies “he can, but it doesn’t hurt enough yet.” I’ve been that dog plenty of times before, and sometimes I still have to remind myself to not be the dog.

    9. ecnaseener*

      Yes! It’s so important to take a step back and ask yourself, why am I continuing to put myself through this optional, miserable situation? Just because I don’t feel like I can leave until I’ve wrangled my emotions into submission? What if I decide I’m allowed to leave anyway, and start a happier chapter?

    10. Harper the Other One*

      +1 – it’s been one of the best lessons I ever learned to know when to stop. OP, you deserve to be someplace where you feel like you can thrive, and where you can get enough distance from Lacy to do the rest of the mental work you need to do to feel your best.

      1. GrumpyZena*

        Similarly, a friend of mine was thinking of ending her marriage because she didn’t love her husband any more, but was conflicted because nothing terrible had happened and he was a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong.

        I said, “so what do you propose, to stay until you *do* hate each other”?

        There is no prize for staying until something is truly untenable.

        1. Hemmy*

          marriage is different than work though. maybe the friend could try reconnecting to her husband, if he’s not a bad person. there are ways to reignite a relationship.
          In work, there’s not that mutual commitment to each other that marrieds have sworn to each other.

    11. anonymouse*

      You can even quit if a job has been good! Suffering isn’t the only reason to quit, sometimes it’s just time to move on. Just because something was worth doing doesn’t mean you have to do it forever.

    12. Not a Girl Boss*

      When I became a manager and was able to witness people from a more detached position, I realized how majorly important “fit with job” is to success. There have been countless times in my management job where I swapped my two worst employees – both floundering, miserable, jealous, underperforming… and they became my best employees virtually overnight. We aren’t even talking about swapping a llama groomer with a monkey trainer. More like, llama brusher with llama trimmer.

      I’ve also had so many employees resist having their roles or area of responsibility tweaked because they don’t want to have “failed” at what they are doing. But why would they WANT to work so hard to be ‘average’ at something? Sure, I guess they get the not-a-failure badge? But I’d rather have the work done well than have someone refuse to admit its not a fit. Think about how much both the employee and the company would benefit if they’d just go work hard at something they are naturally good at? And when someone who’s naturally good at the old job gets to step in and do the old job?

      LW – this is your first ‘real’ job. Its easy to feel like its the only job in your career. But its simply not true. There are sooo many minute variations job-to-job and company-to-company that can totally transform your level of success. Even if the title and job descriptions look similar. Give yourself the gift of trying to find somewhere that your hard work will pay off.

    13. Isben Takes Tea*

      I love it too!

      I think what gets lost in the messaging behind “don’t be a quitter” is don’t let negative feelings from not being immediately successful dictate your choices, but the way it’s often pushed as mentality actually wears away at our ability to make better progress. “I can’t quit” subtly transmutes to “I can’t stop, even if these actions/circumstances are no longer healthy, helpful, or serving my goals.”

      Taking stock of your circumstances and looking at how to change them to have a better outcome (even if that outcome was not your original desired outcome) is not quitting, it’s a crucial part of success!

      1. Dandylions*

        Oh my God yes! I was talking to an in law about his kid and how, despite being 15! she refused to quit a board game and bawled and bawled through the entire game. When I told him this he said he was so proud of how his kids never quit! (Military FWIW). I replied that it was a miserable experience for everyone watching her cry and clearly hate the game and we all just wish she knew when to walk away.

        1. Bird names*

          Fingers crossed that she gets the chance to quit something of her own volition soonish, because it is truly miserable for all parties involved.

    14. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      And it’s not like it’s race or sports season where there is a defined end. You quit a job the same whether it’s been one year or twenty.

    16. Rep (taylor’s version)*

      As someone who was raised similarly, my world was absolutely falling apart due to a highly toxic workplace, and I was so depressed and anxious, I just couldn’t do…anything. Finally, my parents asked what was up (they’d known I was falling apart but not why), I stated bawling and told them and them saying “well, just leave” was so freeing and such a weight off my shoulders. So I did. And I’m forever thankful to them for that conversation.

    17. iglwif*

      Yes!! Years ago I stayed in a job that had turned toxic for waaaaaaay longer than I should have, and there were several reasons but “don’t be a quitter” was a big one. I did quit, eventually, and my only regret is that I didn’t quit sooner.

    18. Gumby*

      I had to quit gymnastics when I was in 9th grade and it was gut wrenching. Not just the whole “being a quitter” thing but I still really enjoyed what I could do of it. However, my injury wasn’t healing, even after taking a month entirely off. And it didn’t make sense to keep doing what I was doing when I was unlikely to progress much further, it was expensive as all get out, and it took up tons of time. I agonized over it, I cried buckets, and it was still the best option. (These days there are options between ‘do this sport for 30 hours each week’ and ‘don’t do this sport at all’ but they didn’t exist, or I didn’t know of them if they did, when I was at the decision point.)

    19. DisgruntledPelican*

      Ugh, yes. Those childhood adages of “don’t be a quitter” and “you made a commitment” seem good in theory but in actually really end up with people learning some screwed up messages.

  4. Nicosloanica*

    This is a good reminder to keep an eye out for behaviors that are not serving you (making you unhappy) and maybe even don’t make sense to you, and seek help with them. When I start asking questions like “why do I feel this way” or “why can’t I stop thinking this” that is the sign to send in the cavalry.

    1. ariel*

      Yes! I always feel immense relief (even if it is quickly following by “crap this is hard”) when I seek help from a therapist. To know ourselves can be scary but not as scary as the overwhelming feelings of a panic attack, in my experience. OP, sending you love and strength for your journey but just know that you can become the person you want to be in those tough moments.

  5. Justme, The OG*

    Agree with Alison on both suggestions. But also, kudos to you for being aware of this. That’s a huge first step.

    1. Shirley Keeldar*

      Yes, OP, please give yourself real credit for understanding what’s going on, not taking your feelings out on Lacy (that’s huge, truly!) and working to fix it. This isn’t easy and it’s more than many people are able to do. You are already impressive and this internet stranger has faith that you can get to a place where these feelings aren’t undermining you.

      1. Cmdrshprd*

        Eh it seems that OP has taken in it out on Lacy a little bit. OP does deserve credit for realizing this, but they are not entirely blameless. People have noticed. So for that OP needs to try and get out ASAP, not take the first crap job that comes their way, but start looking yesterday.

        “Sometimes, I can’t help but delay tasks that Lacy asks me to do because if she’s so great, surely she can do it herself (I know this isn’t how it works, this is just how I think in the moment)……..My manager has talked to me about it several times throughout the years,”

    2. Myrin*

      Right? The way OP is talking about this shows much self-awareness and, interestingly, a lot of dignity and maturity. I wish you all the best in all your future endeavours, OP!

    3. A Significant Tree*

      Came here to say this too – it’s so important that you recognized this situation for what it is, OP. Part of why I left my last job was realizing that I was going to become (even more) bitter watching other people get the promotions I thought I deserved. Another part was seeing colleagues (mostly women and visible minorities, of course) who were living that situation every day for years, with varying degrees of job satisfaction. It was just baked into the culture there.

      Changing jobs was really helpful to me. It’s been three years and an improvement in almost every way. I wish you a good new environment, OP.

  6. Yellow*

    Agree with Alison. And be proud of yourself for realizing this is a you problem, and not a her problem. You’re self aware enough to realize that, so I think you’re self aware enough to fix it. Or at least make it much better.

  7. Fluffy Fish*

    OMgoodness op – yes please change jobs stat. I think Lacy is likely a red herring – she’s the embodiment of the fact that this job is not for you. It’s not Lacy’s success – its your perceived failure.

    You have skills, you can be good at your job and find success – but its got to be a different job.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      You have skills, you can be good at your job and find success
      ^ YES YES YES

      It sounds like this may be one of OP’s first jobs, or maybe first ‘real’ jobs (which has it’s own weird pressure). It is pretty normal to get wrapped into feeling like this workplace and this job is the baseline for ALL work and my performance here is the only litmus test for my worth – OP, all of these are lies and there is more out there!

      1. Lauren19*

        YES! Sometimes we get pigeon-holed based on perceptions vs reality, meaning that even if OP did a 180 and was crushing it, can this org recognize that?
        Also, and what I actually came here to say, is it sounds like you need soft skill development. Changing jobs is HARD, but if you have the ability, I’d look for somewhere you can work on these. Somewhere with a supportive, proven manager and an environment of promoting from within. Good luck!!!!

      2. PlusOne*

        Yeah, I agree with this. It’s hard to deal with, but the reality is that OP could be the way better employee and STILL someone else could get two promotions. It happens. We can’t know if that’s happening here, but this place doesn’t get to serve as some ultimate judge of worth and performance.

    2. ampersand*

      Yes! Sometimes when colleagues or friends or whoever move up in positions and you don’t, the lack of movement on your part can feel like failure. Or stagnation, which can also feel failure-y even though it’s not. It can make you feel left behind. Agreed that it’s a red herring and OP needs a new job as soon as possible.

    3. Hyaline*

      This was my reaction exactly–that jealousy over Lacy’s success is a focus that’s “easier” than disappointment or a feeling of failure. (Kind of like anger protecting us from grief or sadness, I think jealousy can protect us from disappointment in ourselves.) But by confronting those feelings, OP can come to see that she’s not failing! She sounds like she’s good at her job, and if she’s not moving up, maybe she’s just not a job that is best suited to her. Find another job! Try adjacent fields! Be successful on your terms, not in comparison to someone else.

    4. Sam I Am*

      This. OP, take the time and energy you are pouring into Lacy and turn it inward. It’s not really about Lacy; it’s about you, and you deserve the benefit of your own attention to grow towards a happier and healthier life.

  8. Crystal Claire*

    Oof. I think a lot of us AAM readers are remembering the LW who was jealous of her attractive co-worker.

    OP, take Alison’s advice and get out while you can. Take care of yourself and consider a career change.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      That woman ended up OK after rehab, moving back in with her her parents and working part time in a field unrelated to her original path.
      And I can see now her origin story. Not being flip. I’m serious. OP is completely miserable in her job. She is unhappy working in a position below Lacey. She is doing worse working in a position below Lacey.
      OP has been told about her reactions to Lacey.
      Yes, OP, you need to change you (meaning your reaction to more successful peers.)
      No, you do not have to do it here.
      You do not have to do it for this job, for this team, for this company.
      You need to do it for you.
      The first thing to do for you is get a new job.

    2. CityMouse*

      That one involved criminal conduct, though (if you remember the last update). I don’t see anything in OP here to suggest they’re going that bad, but this is a clear “steer away from these rocks” moment.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yeah, I think those two situations have a lot of similarities, but this letter is a lot less intense than the “I’m jealous of my employee” letter. Hopefully, a new job and therapy will help this letter-writer, and it won’t rise to the level of new job, therapy, rehab, moving back in with parents, and settling lawsuits

      2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        I remember the part about alcohol rehab and there’s no mention of that in the letter. I’m just pointing out that the woman in that letter had person problems made worse by the work situation. And that OP’s bosses are noticing the behavior and commenting on it.

      3. Smithy*

        Yeah – I think to be fair having issues such as jealous or anxiety in the workplace isn’t wildly uncommon. And clearly this OP is experiencing those issues in a way that’s distressing them, but right now the negative impact is self-directed vs harming someone else.

        Obviously any issue like this can get compounded into something worse. Mental health issues can spiral. Substance abuse can enter the picture. Etc etc etc. But having struggles don’t need to immediately be catastrophized to that degree. Especially in a situation where right now the OP isn’t harming anyone else and they’re not at risk of losing their job.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      For those who haven’t read it, Crystal Claire is referring to the “I’m jealous of my employee and it’s impacting how I treat her” post from February 23, 2017. There were a total of 4 updates after the initial letter. The most recent update (which has links to the letter and previous updates) is “update: I’m jealous of my attractive employee and it’s impacting how I treat her” from May 16, 2019.

        1. Apex Mountain*

          I know it ended up sort of ok but that one was very depressing – every update more and more of the awful behavior came out.

          1. Buffalo*

            Yeah, I was torn on that one. I’ve been to some pretty dark places myself, and so I’m empathetic with someone who wants to paint themselves as the hero of the story, but the updates all seemed to revolve around, “well, then this happened, after *CONCERNING DETAIL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL INFORMATION TO INCLUDE IN THE ORIGINAL LETTER*”

    4. daffodil*

      I will also add that “emotional” reasons can feel like bad reasons to make a decision, but they are just as real as “logical” ones and a change of context can make a huge difference.

    5. ecnaseener*

      Personally, my first thought was Captain Awkward #1327, because that’s what I always think of when someone’s putting up with an optional thing making them miserable. Get in the habit of taking stock of your optional situations, lest ye find yourself pretending to be friends with someone you hate for a full 20 years, inviting her to your birthday parties and all because it never occurred to you to stop seeking out her company.

  9. Parenthesis Guy*

    I think you need to ask yourself whether this career is inheritently high stress or if it is just this position. Will you be facing more pressure and be forced to socialize more if you go up in the ranks? If it’s this career and the pressure will only grow, then you should be looking to see if you can position yourself to do something different.

    I also think you need to give yourself some credit. Your entire team was eliminated except for you and Lacy. If you survived, they clearly think highly of you. It would seem to signify that you’re good at what you do.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      Brilliant point. OP, they did not keep you as an employee for any reason other than it made business sense. You are a valuable employee. Even talking to you about your relationship with or reactions to Lacey is to help keep you as an employee. They value you.
      You do the same and you’ll be fine.
      (But please find a new place.)

    2. SansaStark*

      That’s such a good point about whether the career is high stress or it’s just this position. I thought I was in a fairly high stress career until I changed jobs and found out that no, it was just that my old department needed about 4 more staff members to make the workload reasonable. Now that I’m on a properly resourced team, the absolute URGENCY of every single thing getting packed into a full day is over and I can prioritize more easily.

  10. DramaQ*

    It helps me to sit down and ask myself exactly why am I jealous? Jealously/envy tends to be a secondary emotion with different motivations for it hiding under the surface.

    I was incredibly upset with the new associates starting a couple weeks ago while I am still a technician. I am not jealous of THEM. I am mad because of how dysfunctional the company and my particular department is. They aren’t the cause they are a very visible symptom.

    Being mad at them or disrupting my working relationship with them solves nothing and only hurts myself. I have to be capable of separating the people from the workplace. It is not their fault things are the way they are.

    100% agree on looking for a new job. It is awesome that the culture is improving but it is clear that the previous toxic one has done significant damage to your psyche and it won’t matter if you got promoted to CEO you are likely still going to be unhappy. Deprogramming yourself is hard.

    That is my view on my current job. They could wave a magic wand and grant my every wish but I am still going to take another job as soon as I find the right fit. There has just been too much BS to pretend nothing happened and forgive past sins. Time for new pastures and a new outlook on life/work.

    1. Nicosloanica*

      Yeah, this reminds me of the idea that anger is usually a mask for some other type of emotion you’re not willing to feel (not always, of course, but sometimes I’ve found this to be true). I think jealousy can be the same way, in that you’re externalizing something because that feels better than having to dwell with whatever’s bothering you.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        Also I was reflecting that jealousy and envy are technically different emotions. Sometimes it helps to try and get really granular about what you’re feeling. I googled it and came up with: “Jealousy can include resentment, suspicion, and protectiveness and envy involves a mix of admiration and discontent … jealousy can describe feelings tied to fear of losing something that you have, resentment that someone has achieved something you want, or being protective of possessions or relationships. Envy is a feeling that describes longing for someone else’s things, qualities, privileges, or luck, and the pain of not having them.” (from VeryWellMind).

    2. Ama*

      Yes — I’m not usually jealous of coworkers, but some years back a coworker at my level received a promotion and I found myself absolutely furious that he had been promoted before me. I dug into it and realized that it had nothing to do with him (he did excellent work and deserved the promotion), but he supervised a larger team than I did (my team had been short staffed for over a year at that point due to a hiring freeze) and something about the way senior management worded the announcement of the promotion made me think “well I could have accomplished all that too if my department had been properly staffed.” Which made me realize that my root issue was that I had always felt like I had to fight to get the bare minimum of resources for my team and senior management did not seem to notice or recognize that I was being asked to achieve as much as everyone else with significantly less support.

      It took me a few more years to get out (and I did successfully argue for my own promotion in the meantime) but that epiphany was the point at which I realized I wouldn’t be staying at that employer for much longer.

  11. Observer*

    LW, Alison’s advice is spot on.

    I think that two types of therapy can help you. The first is just to focus on how to change your behavior. Changing your behavior will probably make you feel better. But that’s not the most important thing. What’s really important here is so that you can stop sabotaging yourself.

    But also, yes, figure out what’s triggering you and why, so you can hopefully get to the bottom of this and not need to fight that battle all the time.

    And, yes, change jobs. And when you look at therapy, you might want to look at why you stayed at a job that was so toxic. Because if you ever get caught in another bad place, you want to have to tools to take steps to get out of it rather than being stuck.

  12. Carrot*

    LW – finding a therapist is hard and takes a long time, but it is SO worth it. Please start the process, it will pay so many dividends in helping you feel better about yourself. You deserve a life free from the shadow of these feelings <3 I would reccomend looking into some selfworth workbooks online to work through while you start finding a therapist – they are a cheap and practical way to begin examining some of these feelings on your own, in your own time. You can do this! It sucks to feel like this but it is possible to get free of this!

    1. Skippy*

      My therapist recommends a book called Self Therapy.

      Also, keep going until you find the right therapist, because the wrong one is a waste of time and money.

    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I’m surprised that no one has yet mentioned using your EAP if you have one, OP. I was able to find short-term therapy through my EAP and it has been quite helpful. I only get five appts (have had two so far) but I believe they also can help me find a longer term therapist if I want to keep doing it. If you don’t have the spoons to figure out where/who to go to, OP, check out your EAP and see if they have therapy.

  13. EngGirl*

    Just want to add that based on your letter you clearly know you’re not being the most rational right now. This is the BEST possible time to start therapy, when you know there’s something wrong and you still want to fix it. Do it now before you start to cement the irrational thoughts/behaviors.

    Also just good luck with this. It sucks to be in this place mentally, but you can get through this with some help :)

  14. Dust Bunny*

    Seconding: This job is not a good fit for you, and this isn’t really about Lacy specifically. You’re struggling, and you’re starting to self-sabotage by leaving things for Lacy to do that are part of your job–that will not help.

  15. Despachito*

    OP, I have nothing to add to the advice that was already written but I deeply admire your ability to admit it is a you-problem. I think this is the first step to successful healing. I wish you the very best.

    1. anon for this*

      Likewise. I really feel for you, OP. Envy is natural to some point, but one of my coworkers seethes with it and in her case I don’t think the problem is fixable anymore. When a newer colleague of ours was promoted instead of her in 2019, she came to the optional evening office party but then sat down and cried in the corner. More recently, she got a similar promotion and I was hoping she’d back off…but no. In 2023 she was found cornering the two rock-stars among the new hires on the most junior level and telling them that they couldn’t possibly be that great, that the unit must have been pretty desperate for hires, etc. Envy and insecurity have turned into childish mean-girl behavior directed downward, and I suspect she’s going to be fired.

  16. bunniferous*

    Yes! Get a fresh start somewhere!

    From what OP said I am guessing that it’s the soft skills that OP is struggling with, and therapy can absolutely help with that. As an older person I wish I knew in my younger days just how useful having a solid foundation of self confidence is! If we can honestly project that people pick up on it.
    When I was in college years ago, I took a sociology class-where I learned about a theory called Cooley’s Looking Glass Self. It was a revelation and I believe it changed the course of the entire rest of my life.

    1. Mid*

      Absolutely yes. Self confidence and healthy self image impacts *every* facet of your life. You handle conflicts better because conflicts don’t feel like personal attacks. You handle stress better because it doesn’t feel identity shattering to fail or be overwhelmed because you separate yourself from your work. You can grow and change more easily. You can interact with others better. You can find things where you thrive instead of tolerating things that hurt you. I know because I’ve been through it. It took many years of work, and an amazing therapist, but it was worth every minute and tear and dollar.

  17. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    Sending you lots of compassion, OP. I’m glad you recognize what’s going on and I hope you can move forward in the future.

  18. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “Lacy isn’t going to be the last person you encounter who triggers these feelings”

    I think this is the most important thing in the reply. There’s always going to be someone else higher ranking / earning more / having something else that you don’t have, both at work and in your personal life, and you have to find a way of coping with that.

    In situations where I know I’m likely to come out on the other side feeling down on myself for similar reasons, I try to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. It doesn’t eradicate the problem, of course, but it does help me remember that we’re all just different people doing different things at different stages of our lives. I’m not on the same path as anyone else and they’re not on my path either. Maybe they’re looking at some aspect of my life jealously! Probably not, but you never know what’s truly going on inside people’s heads, nor the ways you might be triggering them in some way just by going about your life.

    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      This is true in all walks of life too. I do aerials at a fitness studio and one of the first lessons that you have to learn very quickly is to not compare your accomplishments to your classmates’ accomplishments or you’ll end up feeling badly about something that is supposed to bring you joy. Everyone comes from a different background and their strengths may be completely different than your strengths.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      We usually compare our messy, complex full selves to someone else’s external appearance. Maybe Lacy handles the stresses of the job better than you, OP; or maybe she puts on a professional mask at work and melts down as soon as she gets home and cries into Chinese take-out every night.

      Until you find another job, would it help to imagine that instead of imagining Lacy as some paragon of success? They’re probably equally unrealistic, and it’s easier to say “thanks” to a fellow human being with her own (invisible) struggles.

  19. HR Ninja*

    I agree on both points. While the most important element is getting yourself in a healthier emotional space, this is situation is affecting your future professional opportunities. Currently what type of reference would you be getting from your manager if this is how things are going?
    I’m not bringing this up to try and add to your stress and anxiety. Just food for thought.

    Much luck and healing to you

  20. Skippy*

    Change jobs because this issue is almost certainly holding you back from moving ahead in this one. For every time your manager has talked to you, they have spent time building up to doing it and probably getting input from others on the team, and that is a hurdle that could take years to overcome.

    This is undoubtedly colored by my own experience: newly out of college, I couldn’t understand why someone else was getting promoted and I wasn’t, and I cried when the memo came out promoting my nemesis. When I got another job after 5 years, I found an email between my boss and her boss saying that I had been on a “treadmill to nowhere” and it was good I was leaving. Everyone but me could see it.

    I took another job that was a bad fit to get out of there, but eventually I found my place far from the prestige corner of the industry where I started, and I love my work and forged my own path. I came to understand the interpersonal dynamics a lot better. My nemesis rose to a very high position but wound up dropping out when she started a family, then came back in another capacity off the corporate ladder. Neither of us is where we thought we’d be, and we should have been friends and allies the whole time. Makes me want to go drop her a line.

  21. Heather*

    I think Allison nailed the answer but further for those in similar scenarios… the role isn’t right for you. If you are not moving up when you want to be, and you are still unable to do portions of the job independently after multiple years, you are not right for the role or the tasks required have moved beyond your ability. There are options such as leaving the job as suggested or by gaining more skills via Professional Development or furthering education. Only you know yourself and the organization. Therefore, figure out which option works best and go for it.

  22. Seashell*

    This makes me appreciate that my work usually mentions promotions via e-mail. At least it gives people who didn’t get the promotion time to process it.

    I agree with Alison’s advice. In addition to looking for a therapist, you might want to look into seeing your primary care physician and mention that you’ve had panic attacks at work. They might be able to help you with where to look and give you a referral if one is needed for a psychiatrist.

  23. Van Wilder*

    Agree w/ Alison but would also add: research growth mindset. Take the growth/fixed mindset quiz and learn about the difference.

    I recognize so many of my own emotions in your letter. I was always told that I was “smart” but if I ever encountered anything that I didn’t get right away, I would shut down and start to self-sabotage. Because “if I’m not good at this, am I not smart?” and that would be devastating to my entire identity. Competition and comparing yourself to others are also a big part of fixed mindset.

    I’ve been working on growth mindset for 4-5 years now? I’m still not all the way there but I’m much happier than I used to be, not taking each other person’s success as a personal slap in the face.

  25. Mairzy Doats*

    No jealousy involved in my job, I’m just deeply unhappy and miserable with my current manager. I have been applying to jobs for over a year. I get interviews, thanks to Alison’s book, but I keep “losing” to internal candidates. Last week, I finally got an offer letter, only to have it rescinded two days later. It was a blow (yes, I am aware it can happen), but I came to the conclusion it was a bullet dodged.
    I do have an interview scheduled in two weeks (hiring manager is traveling), so I need to pull up my bootstraps, take a deeper dive into further research on the company and hiring manager, and rehearse. However, today I’m just not feeling it.

  26. Harper*

    Can I just say I absolutely love this statement?

    “If it were easy to solve with logic or mental reframing, you would have already done it.”

    I beat myself up so often over my inability to get over things by mentally reframing them. Of course I would do that if it worked! And when it hasn’t worked, it’s no failure on my part. It means I need to deploy a different tool instead of continuing to blame myself for a perceived failure to reframe it correctly.

    Thanks for this little nugget of wisdom today, Alison. It struck a chord.

  27. nerdgal*

    Since therapists are very busy these days, please talk to your family doctor. Depending on your symptoms, he/she may be able to provide anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds that would improve things. Medication is not the complete answer but that doesn’t mean it can’t be helpful. Family doctors are used to these conversations!

  28. Potsie*

    I think it is important to keep in mind that even if everything about the job is objectively fine (good boss, good salary, interesting work, friendly and competent coworkers) it can still be the wrong place for you to thrive. Being unhappy is enough reason to leave.

    1. Sparkles McFadden*

      It is so hard to get out of the mindset that there *has* to be a way to make this thing that looks good on paper work for you. Not everything is fixable, and some things aren’t actually broken. They’re just not right for you.

  29. Jellyfish Catcher*

    Yeah, therapist and new job. Don’t make a panicked move to any random new job; research it just like you normally would. I would focus on finding a therapist first, so you don’t get derailed by stress and also have a therapist as support. But also trust yourself if the right job offer falls in our lap.

    You have more going for you than you might see right now: you are self aware of your issues – which means that you will be able to change. You’re also competent, derailed by emotional issues, rather than lack of work competence.
    You can do this, you are competent – remind yourself daily with a good affirmation.

  30. A Simple Narwhal*

    I want to offer the OP a lot of compassion, because I see a lot of my younger self in this letter. I was the Smart Kid growing up, who had everyone saying I was going to do Big Things. I went to a good (not amazing) college, and graduated with good (not amazing) grades. I felt shame, anger, and jealousy when I saw my schoolmates graduate with better grades from better schools.

    I graduated into an awful recession, and struggled to get a job. I got a job that wasn’t aligned with my major, and I hated the job and that it didn’t relate to what I went to school for. I saw former classmates get better jobs and hit milestones and see success that I didn’t have. I was jealous of their accomplishments and ashamed at the lack of my own. We all started from the same place, I should be doing better! If they were able to do those things, then I should have been able to do them too, and what I was doing was embarrassing and shameful. I was supposed to be Better. Better was clearly possible, why wasn’t I Better?

    I think we all struggle with that, especially when we’re starting out on our adult lives. We see people we used to be on the same level with now soaring above us, and we feel inadequate. And while we’re all running our own races and will eventually hit our own milestones, the differences in the beginning can feel so vast and so shameful. Someone flying at 500 feet is going to feel like a much bigger deal when your toes are still scraping the ground. Once you’re at 10,000 feet the person at 10,500 feet is barely going to register.

    What really helped me was therapy and a supportive partner. That plus (several!) new jobs over the years that eventually landed me at a job where I can actually succeed. I look back on past jobs where I was struggling (while watching others succeed) and I now see how bad of a fit those jobs were for me, or how I was facing obstacles that were unscalable and I just needed to remove myself instead of attempting to grit my teeth through and hope it got better. The whole “if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree” metaphor really applies here. Stop trying to climb the trees at your job – go find a river. Once you can be a lot happier with yourself, the next Lacy isn’t going to bother you as much.

    Sending OP a lot of hugs and good thoughts.

    1. blueberry muffin*

      I so relate to being the Smart Kid who was supposed to do Big Things.

      Extending grace to yourself and allowing yourself to have support system go a long way.

      Solidarity.

      1. DramaQ*

        Ouch. I relate to this so hard. It’s one of the things I am working on with my current therapist because “Smart kid who was suppose to do big things” was pretty much my entire identity. Then life actually happened. I do not regret choices I’ve made but especially right now in my current position the “I was supposed to be more!” thought rears it’s ugly head.

        What I am working on is trying to reframe things. What I want/need at 40 and after several major life changes we all go through as we grow up is quite different from what I wanted at 20 and assumed I would always want.

        Having a job job is okay! Now that doesn’t mean I need to take being treated like I am here but I don’t need to do “BIG” things. Living my life and raising my kids to be good people is enough.

        I am actually really excited to be sitting for a city job exam and hoping I make it through to get an offer. Yeah it’s a step down in title and it’s not the big grand vision I had for my career but it will be super stable, regular raises along with city benefits and a city pension.

        Hot dang my 40 year old self will take that pension!

        I could have saved myself a lot of depression/anxiety/heart attack and a ton on therapy if I had come to the epiphany sooner that being the smart kid doesn’t have to be my entire personality.

  31. learnedthehardway*

    You need to be in a company and a role where they value what you bring to the table. I think that is the primary problem you’re experiencing – for whatever reason, either Lucy’s strengths are more necessary to the company for which you both work, or your managers value her strengths more and don’t recognize yours as much.

    I would look for SME type roles in your field / functional area, where technical competency is the primary requirement.

    Therapy, like Allison suggests, is also a very good idea – you can focus on getting to the bottom of what your challenges are and/or developing coping strategies to mitigate their effects on your ability to handle stress.

    Another thing I would do would be to work on my interpersonal/relationships/social skills – this is difficult to do without guidance, so could be something to work on in therapy or (as you progress your career) with coaching from a certified coach who specializes in supporting people to build communications & relationship management skills.

  32. Aeon*

    Given how difficult it can be to find a therapist, I would urge OP to see if their company has an EAP (they can get you a referral to a therapist, and sometimes will offer a few sessions on the company dime.) OP could also see what therapy options their state or county mental health department, or any nearby university with a Psychology program offers. Or consider their online therapy options (BetterHelp, TalkSpace, Talkiatry, Circle Medical, Rula, Cerebral, probably many more I am not remembering rn.) They need to talk to someone to get stabilized ASAP.

    It is tough feeling like people are comparing you and your trajectory to your colleague’s. But it sounds like you have very different skills, backgrounds and talents. There is no shame in doing well in the job that you have. But I do think that you would benefit from a new job in addition to therapy. The change of scenery and distance from the expectations that you are feeling so pressured by should help a lot.

  33. Square Root of Minus One*

    I want to add an important thing: don’t wait for her to leave or hope she will leave.
    I have a Lacy. Let’s call her Posy. My feelings were never that intense, but this letter hit surprisingly close to home. The main difference is not promotions, but a few strokes of luck on an already not great fit, and a new director CLEARLY picking favorites.
    Anyway, Posy left a few months ago for unrelated reasons. I still feel like a lesser second choice in my role and am likely to do so as long as I stay in this job.

  34. Diomedea Exulans*

    Alison’s answer is indeed spot on and compassionate.

    Look, it’s not a healthy set up right now. I myself have been in a job for a long time and some people who have joined later than me have been promoted twice while I’m still on the same level technically. Have I felt resentment? Certainly, at times – I do think that an employee of my calibre deserves a bit more recognition (for the record, I do excellent work). Have I felt like crying or got a panic attack when someone else got promoted? Absolutely not! I felt genuinely happy for them. Well, this is where your general feeling towards your role at the company and towards yourself comes into the picture. Despite not getting the promotion I think I earned, I am not planning on leaving. I love my job and my colleagues and keep getting the most interesting projects, and I do feel appreciated. I am also aware that I probably need better social skills in addition my technical skills and there are some additional factors contributing to my lack of success in this respect – I have a bit of a loose tongue, am too outspoken, without much fear of authority and I prioritise my family life over my career.

    Well, excuse my rather lengthy personal anecdote, but my point was to demonstrate the difference between two seemingly similar situations. You always need to measure the pros and cons for staying and leaving. You are obviously miserable in your job and I couldn’t see many positives that would be a reason for you to stay in your job. So, my suggestion is the same as Alison’s. You do not need to suffer through this.

  35. Naomi*

    OP, in addition to Alison’s excellent advice, I’m going to share an exercise that really helped me. It’s from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, and it’s called the Jealousy Map.

    Make three columns on a piece of paper. Column one is who you’re jealous of. Column two is why you’re jealous of this person, as specific as possible.

    Column three is the important part: what action can you take to pursue the thing in column two for yourself? This is why it’s important to be specific: if you’re jealous of Lacy’s higher-ranking job, you could look into professional development that would better position you for promotion. If you’re jealous of her people skills, you could roleplay with a therapist how to handle difficult social situations. Etc.

    Jealousy is telling you that you want something someone else has. The point of the Jealousy Map is to move your focus away from resentment of Lacy and onto what productive actions you can take to get what you want.

  36. Debby*

    I can understand how you (the OP) feels-I went through the same thing. I was passed over for a promotion, and wasn’t even considered-even though I applied for it too. The Hiring Manager announced to all who received the promotion, and I hadn’t even been informed, let alone interviewed.
    I did what Allison suggested, I found another job. And I am so glad I did! It was the best thing I could have done, and can now look back without bitterness.
    Allison gives the best advice :)

  37. Fig Season*

    While you’re waiting on a therapist, and waiting to get that new job, find out if your current job has EAP and make use of the free therapy sessions those programs usually provide.

  38. Csethiro Ceredin*

    I just wanted to say kudos to this poster.

    I think a lot of people have feelings like this, to varying degrees, but fewer are clear-eyed enough to know it doesn’t reflect reality. We’ve all seen plenty of people who convince themselves the things they resent are being done AT them and act accordingly.

    Hope things look up for you, OP!

  39. Dandylions*

    I know the DC area has a long long waiting list for therapy but just a PSA that’s not the case everywhere. In the Midwest I’m able to get into in person (1 hr away) or virtual usually within the same week and sometimes same day.

  40. Cat Tree*

    I just want to add – ask for promotions if you want them. You mentioned never being on a PIP or at risk of firing, but did you ever actually tell your manager that you wanted to be promoted? It’s not universal that everyone wants to be promoted, so they might not have realized you were seeking that.

    A really good manager would prompt this discussion with you. But many average managers don’t do it. So you have to do it yourself. Not at this place, but at future jobs.

  41. Czech Mate*

    I’ve been in your shoes, OP! Here are some things that have helped me:

    a) Yes, therapy. Turns out I have a generalized anxiety disorder. Just know that you don’t have to feel the way that you do. There are resources to help, and they may make it so you don’t feel as stressed every day.
    b) As others have mentioned, it could be that the environment itself is a trigger. You worry you’re not as sociable or good under pressure. Maybe you’ll flourish in an environment where you can focus more on individual work and DON’T need to meet urgent deadlines or hit sales goals. I began to do better when I got out of an environment that didn’t value the skills I DID have.

    Your leaving isn’t a concession; it’s about you moving on so that you can be happy, healthy, and successful. If there’s no room to grow in your current role, why stay? Tons of people leave because there isn’t room to grow, and it doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them.

  42. lemon*

    I love Allison’s great, compassionate advice. Whenever we’re this strongly triggered by work stuff, it’s usually bringing up unresolved issues from childhood, as work dynamics can very closely mimic family dynamics. Just wanted to recommend the book Don’t Bring It to Work by Sylvia Lafair, which looks at how we can better understand our childhood patterns affect workplace dynamics. I’m going through some work stuff right now, too, and this is also a reminder to myself to check this out again.

  43. Nicole Maria*

    Just for the record, that’s not what trauma-bonding is – it’s not just bonding over trauma, it has to do with a specific relationship between abusers and victims (closer to how we use the term “stockholm syndrome.”)

    It’s not that serious since it’s often used the way it is here colloquially, and I know I’m just being pedantic, but I also want the correct information out there!

  44. Momma Bear*

    Also, while I 100% agree that OP should seek therapy to help them with how they got here, OP should also not discount how good a change of scenery might be. I’ve had jobs where I was just a poor personality fit and for whatever reason never could paddle my way ahead. I moved jobs and *I* did not change, but the perception of me is entirely different. Lacey found her pond. OP should go find the pond they belong in. Just because they started out together doesn’t mean they have to continue together.

  45. Serious Silly Putty*

    One analogy that helped me to get out of a situation that seemed fine to others was that I was a freshwater fish in a saltwater tank: it didn’t matter that beautiful fish were thriving around me; the fact remained 2my environment was toxic *to me*, so I needed to leave.

  46. Leo McGarry*

    I could have written this letter 5 years ago – I was in a unique role at my organization, where there was only one other person doing that job, and we worked together very closely. We started on the exact same day, and we had about the same level of experience coming in.

    Through a combination of being in the right place at the right time and the fact that her skills aligned better with that specific role, she kept getting promoted faster than I did. She got better feedback than I did. I was good at my job! But if I won a department award, she would win a company award.

    It was miserable. I felt like I could never win, and I could never really feel successful because she always did just a little bit better. I cried out of frustration a lot. I left that job after 4 years because I couldn’t take it anymore.

    And you know what? She was better at that job that we worked in together, and she had a set of skills that the organization really cared about. But all of my jobs since then have valued the things *I* excel in – I’m now the person getting company-wide recognition and opportunities. And my career has caught up to hers (she’s now the head of widgets at a small startup, and I’m driving widget strategy at a large company).

    Alison’s advice is spot on. Admitting I needed to leave was hard. Leaving was hard. Processing my feelings about the situation was hard. But from the other side, that internal work was so worthwhile.

  47. DJ*

    It doesn’t sound like this type of workplace suits you. You will thrive much better in another workplace that suits your working style more. Best of luck in looking for and securing a new job!

  48. Girl Friday*

    I agree with therapy, not only to equip yourself with tools to help, but to potentially get a diagnosis and treatment for something that may not necessarily be a mental health development but also neurodivergence. It’s common for undiagnosed people to feel left behind even if we objectively know the reasons why, but it helps to work through and understand that it’s not a moral failing but that your brain works differently. And there is a full, fulfilling life after that! Good luck, letter writer, and I hope you find a path to thriving.

  49. Tokumei*

    I only point this out because I haven’t seen anyone else post it yet—I think that therapy will be of great help to the OP, and one thing to discuss there or consider before that is how much the OP might compare themself to others.

    It jumped out to me because I struggle with similar issues—I noticed that OP mentioned Lacy’s university being “much better” than hers as a part of the fundamental background of her relationship with Lacy, which seems to lay the groundwork for the feelings of jealousy. Speaking only from my own experience, having been raised by parents who actively compare you to others, or having been in a highly competitive or comparative environment, like a school that celebrates class rankings openly, might be related to OP’s propensity to compare herself to Lacy and feel that she comes up short.

    While the saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is simplistic and obviously not very nuanced, it does tend to be true in situations like this. I continue to work on unlearning the compulsion to categorize my colleagues and friends by comparative markers such as “they went to a better college than me” or “they have a better job title than me” because 1. what even does “better” mean? (better to who? better in what way?) and 2. it doesn’t help me at all to think these things. I have a lot of empathy for the OP and I wish them the best in overcoming this!

  50. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    Jealousy by itself isn’t a bad thing, it’s what you do with it that counts. There’s positive and negative speech.

    ‘I’m jealous of X because she’s able bodied and I’m not’ is fine. ‘And I’ll just look to things I CAN do and excel at them’ is positive. ‘And I’ll refuse to talk to her until she acknowledges her unfair privilege’ is wholly negative.

    Mind reset. To solve the problem you need to reframe it. Getting out of that job in this situation is a must because it’s really really hard to reprogram your brain when it’s being set into negativity every single day.

    Additionally, try a mental exercise that I picked up from Captain Awkward. When you see someone, anyone, look for something that’s good. That headscarf she’s wearing is beautiful. The lady smiling at a bird flying overhead is beautiful. The guy who’s wearing that awesome backpack? You get the jist. Obviously keep these in your head and it’s difficult at first but the more you do it the more your brain will go into positive as a reaction- and eventually it’ll see the positives in you as well.

  51. hiraeth*

    Sorry to be pedantic, but trauma bond actually has a different and specific meaning to how it’s being used here. It’s not bonding with a person over a shared negative experience. It’s a strong emotional bond formed *with the person who caused you harm*.

  52. Coffee Break*

    I’m smiling at this post because it’s entirely possible that Lacy looks at the OP thinking “Wow, OP handles change so well! They’re so flexible and adaptable! I can only embrace changes that I’ve decided to make myself, because that’s the only way I can retain a sense of control/safety. If anything unexpected happens I just can’t cope, so I disengage mentally and try to get away as fast as I can. How ironic that this shut down looks like I’m calm under pressure, when it’s actually the opposite! I wish I could be more resilient like the OP.”

    My point is everyone has anxieties, including Lacy. It’s part of the human condition to a greater or lesser extent. Your anxieties -such as showing stress under pressure- might not be as evident to others as you think they are just as Lacy’s aren’t evident to you. You just can’t know what triggers others from the outside. Alison has excellent advice but this is also something to bear in mind.

  54. CubeFarmer*

    Late to this party, but…

    Alison’s advice is great! It’s time to move on. LW is probably never going to feel settled in her company until she outpaces Lacy, and, seriously, that’s not going to happen.

    LW needs to worry about herself, and not Lacy. Focus on her career and life goals and not worry that someone might be outpacing her. Someone is always outpacing you. Someone is outpacing Lacy.

    I’ve felt this intense professional jealousy twice in my career. Once, about 20 years ago, when a colleague who started after me got tapped for an opening in another department. In reflecting on the “why” behind that, she was working much harder and on more complex work than I was. Honestly, I was also in a point in my life where I wanted to focus on life outside of work. The second, was much more recently when I was passed over for a promotion. The reason I was given was that I didn’t have an advanced degree, but I think the real reason was a lot more complex. This started a fire under me, and within a few weeks I had hatched a plan to return to school, got colleagues’ support, and started my program the next academic year.

  55. TQB*

    Echo the props for recognizing your issues, OP, and Alison’s advice. Just to emphasize the importance of both the new job and the therapy, when i was in a similar situation, I did not address it. Ultimately, even people I thought were friends were put in a position to not support me and the next minor goof i made was my last and I was shown the door. While I was almost instantly relieved and happy to be out of that environment, many of the feelings remained, plus they were compounded by the real-life and not at all imagined rejection by people I respected. It took longer to emerge from that hole than it would have had i addressed my personal issues with therapy while looking for a better work environment.

  56. Michelle Smith*

    I am (was?) jealous of one of my close friends. Therapy did help quite a bit, as did talking to her so she understood why I was pulling away. I hope that you’re able to find a new job where you feel supported and can do your best work. Sometimes stepping away really is for the best.

  57. DreamersScheme*

    Currently working through this right now realizing I have shut down and have kind of iced out a colleague (trying to figure out how to resolve that). Still in therapy working through this and with a career coach, and in the process of hatching out my exit plan, because the role is also not working. Also recognizing that I want my job to be a “good-enough” job so I can focus on my life outside of work and not feel super intense all the time, especially as a recovering people pleaser and “smart” kid. But there’s also been some recognition that the structure of the environment, lack of consistent staffing and just overall culture I’m working in (the team is great generally) does not really feed my energy, plus starting during the pandemic was not a good mix. But as they say, there is no where to go but up and I’m patiently waiting to find something that aligns with what I need going forward. Kuddos OP, things will shift as you put in the time to focus on you and on healing that little annoying voice.

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