{ 735 comments… read them below }

  1. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs!

    Last night I finished a book by Rosie Danan called The Intimacy Experiment. It’s a romance novel with fun characters and what I found to be an enjoyable story line. It’s the third book I’ve read by this author and I’ve liked all 3, so I would recommend.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I read The Husbands (suggested here awhile ago) and loved it. The combo of humor and sci fi was so perfect, it kinda felt like if the reboot sequence in The Good Place were a romcom. It’s the fastest I’ve finished a book in months because I got really invested

    2. Blythe*

      I am looking for recommendations! I usually read psychological thrillers, but I also love soothing “slice of life” stories— think Shirley Jackson’s Life Among Savages, Peter Mayle’s A Year in Provence, and Anne of Green Gables. I have a list of thrillers to read, but I am at a loss for these more soothing options. Ideas?

      1. word nerd*

        Any of the James Herriot books!
        My Family and Other Animals by the British Gerald Durrell, describing his time on the Greek island of Corfu as a child (quite funny too)
        My Father’s Glory and My Mother’s Castle by Marcel Pagnol, about his childhood in southern France

      3. RLC*

        Hopwood DePree’s “Downton Shabby”. Hollywood producer moves to England to restore his family’s ancestral castle. Most entertaining and the humor is the wholesome sort.

      4. Cardboard Marmalade*

        For a slice of life rec, I absolutely love Gwen Raverat’s “Period Piece: A Cambridge Childhood”. It’s mostly just scenes from the author’s family life (including some surprising details about her uncle, Charles Darwin), all told with a balance of affection and wonderfully dry humor. If you google it, you’ll find there’s a website that has Raverat’s illustrations from the book for sale, which will hopefully whet your appetite to track down a copy of
        the book itself.

      5. Lady Knittington*

        Names for the Sea: Strangers in Iceland but Sarah Moss; travelogue/autobiography about teaching English in Reykjavik for a year, with a young family.

      6. Shiara*

        The Wilderness Family by Kobie Kruger is a really lovely account of the family’s life in Kruger National Park in South Africa. Her husband is a ranger there.

      7. Falling Diphthong*

        If nonfiction is okay, a comfort read for me is Bill Bryson’s In a Sunburned Place, about Australia. It’s about exploring a place that is familiar to you in some ways and completely different in others.

      9. dontbeadork*

        Alexander McCall Smith’s 44 Scotland Street series or his Sunday Philosophy Club series.

        If you don’t mind pretty gentle mysteries, his Number 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency books are fairly soothing.

      10. goddessoftransitory*

        I love the original Bridget Jones Diary for a fun, soothing read. Also anything by Laurie Colwin, especially Happy all the Time and her short story collections, Passion and Affect and The Lone Pilgrim.

      12. RedinSC*

        Gerald Durrel’s books about his childhood in Greece

        read them long ago but remember them as being really charming

      13. Nervous Nellie*

        I may be late to jump in here, but Diary of a Provincial Lady by E.M. Delafield would be perfect. The narrator’s dry wit about daily housekeeping and grumbling about the neighbors is charming and hilarious.

      14. Margaret Patrias*

        Have you read Maeve Binchy? Her books are set in Ireland, and her characters are fascinating.

      15. epicdemiologist*

        You might like “French Dirt” by Richard Goodman.

        Also, though not a book, “Midnight Diner: Tokyo Stories” fits both your slice-of-life and soothing criteria!

    3. Wow*

      I’m reading “March” by Geraldine Brooks. It’s from the point of view of the father in Little Women, and won the Pulitzer Prize some years ago. I haven’t finished it yet, but it is absolutely fantastic.

    4. Wow*

      I also just finished “Days at the Morisaki Bookshop.” It was just the type of book that should have been right up my alley, but I felt very “meh” about it. I know I am greatly in the minority about it.

      1. word nerd*

        Nah, I don’t think you’re alone at all. I’m into Japan and bookstores, but I found this one sentimental and not very deep.

      2. Daisy*

        I recently finished Days at the Morisaki Bookshop, and the emotions around getting cheated on and dumped spoke to me, but the rest of the book felt a little flat, especially the descriptions of the other books: I felt no interest in reading any of the books the narrator talked about, and never quite got a sense of “home” around the setting.

        I couldn’t help contrasting it with “Bookshops and Bonedust”, prequel to “Legends and Lattes”, both of which are my new repeat-for-comfort reads about people and places that I would be happy to sit and chat with in a coffee shop.

    5. Mobie's Mom Now*

      Working through Canary Girls by Jennifer Chiaverini. Historical fiction, munitions girls during WW I in England. I like it, and I really enjoy this author. She has other historical fiction, and also a series of books about a quilt camp in PA, which maybe sounds boring, but I honestly loved!

    6. Charlotte Lucas*

      Red Side Story by Jasper Fforde. I’m a little over halfway through. And I always love his books, so of course I’m enjoying it.

      1. carcinization*

        I finished that a month or so ago, it was definitely fun and I had no idea where it was going! I did kind of get the sense that he was cramming every possible thing into this book since originally there was supposed to be a trilogy, but I didn’t mind!

    7. AcademiaNut*

      The Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera, which is fantastic. Secondary world fantasy but a modern setting, drawing strongly on Buddhism and Sri Lankan history.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Cicadas Sing of Summer Graves by Quinn Connor: I chose it for the evocative title and stunning cover-art, and overall I did enjoy it, but it was a bit disconnected. Horror/magical-realism kind of thing, but… random? One character had flowers growing out of her hair now and then, and while this turned into something helpful in the story it really seemed to come out of nowhere. The premise had to do with a small lakeside community dealing with concerns about the future, economy-wise, and the past (due to tales of the people who drowned when the previous village was flooded), and there was a lot going on, and yet… I dunno. Perhaps it’s just me, but when a book with “cicadas” in the title opens with the buzzing of *bees* and spends much more time on the bees and their keeper and the honey, etc., than any cicadas – it feels a bit weird. [I really want to post an Amazon review of “Was okay. Needs more cicadas.”]

      On audiobook, I’m listening to The Alchemy of Moonlight by David Ferraro, read by Will Watt (among my favorite narrators, and the main reason I chose the book). And the story’s… okay, with a romantic triangle in which our young protagonist (not yet 18) falls for a handsome doctor and for the not-always-kind nephew of his employer. Oh, and there are soooo many hints of things supernatural to come, though I’m more than halfway through and so far it’s all remained as hints. (And body-parts. The “meet cute” with the doctor involved our young hero having found a severed hand, wandered around wondering what to do with it, and eventually showed it to the charismatic doctor, who took it to the gendarmes, who said it must have been from a bear attack and promptly closed the case. Still, the scene where our hero gazes up in blushing awe at the handsome doctor – while holding a decomposing body part in his hand – amused me very much indeed.) Given the cover-art, I’m rather hoping they do wind up as a happy triad, but who knows? [One other irksomeness: the author does not seem to care about making the conversations period-genuine, so loads of anachronistic slang and turns-of-phrase pop up in the dialog. Oh, well.]

    9. Pam Adams*

      My annual re-read of A Night in the Lonesome October, by Roger Zelazny. I always plan to do the chapter per day reading, but can never resist going all the way through.

      1. AnotherLadyGrey*

        I’m doing this too, although it’s part of a group chat which is forcing me to stick to one chapter a day. It’s my second time and I can definitely see reading it every year. It is such a good book, and Snuff is an Extremely Good Boy.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I put this in my Halloween reading list last year after reading about it on the reading thread! Can’t wait to dive in again.

        2. carcinization*

          One of the main reasons I love the book is that people who love dogs and people who love cats will both be satisfied (and yes, I know it’s not an either/or thing)!

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Just starting my Frankenstein reread; I think it’s my tenth time or so through it? I love finding new things in really familiar texts–this time I’m thinking about how Nature is portrayed in the novel. As an entity, as a force, as landscapes, as a barrier, as an enemy, as a personality type.

      Victor wants to penetrate Nature (with all that implies) and is punished in many different ways for trying to violate all its different guises. It’s bliss to my frustrated li’l essay writing heart.

      1. Cynthia*

        Have you read FranKissStein, by Jeanette Winterson? I really enjoyed reading it as a follow up to Frankenstein – it’s a very odd book, but really works (in my opinion)!

        2. Ali + Nino*

          If we’re all adding Frankenstein -ish Books here may I humbly suggest Frankenstein in Baghdad by Ahmed Saadawi? Also somewhat bizarre, but I actually ended up loving it – definitely recommend.

        3. Bike Walk Barb*

          This month I’ll be reading A Botanical Daughter by Noah Medlock thanks to a past recommendation here. Seems Frankstein-adjacent from the description.

          Theodora Goss has a delightful series about the daughters of famous monsters or monster-creators. It starts with The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter, about Mary Jekyll, daughter of the infamous Dr. Jekyll. In the course of the book she meets other daughters–Diana Hyde, Beatrice Rappaccini, Catherine Moreau, and Justine Frankenstein. The series continues with adventures and we get to know more about each one’s back story.

    11. Clara Bowe*

      I have been on a nonfiction kick lately and am currently reading one of the University of California food studies series, “The Untold History Of Ramen” by George Solt. It is a quick and dirty history that talks about the intersectional collision of imperialism, culture, and geopolitics that created ramen as a dish and a trend. I am liking it so far.

      As for a recommendation, I really encourage people to check out the University of California Press’s website. They have a ton of Open Access books that are free, legal ePub downloads. I’ve got a history of provincial trades and how they shaped commerce in Japan up to modern day queued up next! (Provincializing Empire by Jun Uchida.)

    12. word nerd*

      I’m halfway through The Wave in the Mind by Ursula K. LeGuin, a collection of essays on reading and writing, after someone recommended it here recently. I’ve only read her scifi/fantasy before so it’s interesting to read her thoughts in nonfiction form and get to know her a bit. I’m especially enjoying her literary criticism so far and her poem(?) LOUD COWS, which works best when read aloud I think (fortunately I’m listening to it on audiobook).

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        I read that this week too! I loved her take on the cultural expectations around women’s shoes. All her essays are full of, ‘Aha! You are so right,” moments.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      I am reading the Singing Hills series of novellas by Nghi Vo. Very engaging fantasy; central character is a cleric roaming the world to collect stories.
      The Empress of Salt and Fortune starts with ghosts and magic, and winds up in political intrigue.
      When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain nods to Sheharazade with the need to keep telling the story to stall the listener from killing you. It has a mammoth! I think the last time I read a story with a mammoth was a Magic Tree House book.
      Into the Riverlands is pure wuxia. I knew where this was going as soon as our hero sat down in a little frontier bar to order a drink, reflecting on how normal and mild mannered the other patrons seemed.

      1. Hyaline*

        They just keep getting better—I have few auto buys with books but Singing Hills are absolutely preorders!

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I love this series. The novellas mostly just keeps getting better. Honestly the Empress of Salt and Fortune is my least favorite. So I don’t think readers need to start there

      3. Clara Bowe*

        I love Vo’s work! I’ve really enjoyed both of the full length novels as well, even the Gatsby retelling. So glad others are loving their stuff!!!

    14. Golden*

      I’m reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and am having some mixed feelings! The book does call out that some things will work for some and not for all. I think I (or society) set the bar for it pretty high and it’s not quite living up.

    15. Donkey Hotey*

      most of the way through Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams. Decent albeit slow exploration of the politics behind “well the dictionary says…”

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I finished *Colored Television* by Danzy Senna, about a biracial novelist who gets swept up in the world of television writing for a while. It had a lot of interesting and apt observations and a really vivid sense of place.

      I also read *The Year of Magical Thinking*, a memoir by Joan Didion detailing the awful year when her daughter got deathly ill, her husband died while her daughter was still deathly ill, her daughter recovered a bit, and then her daughter got deathly ill with something else. I can’t speak to how accurate it is about losing a spouse (Didion and her husband seemed to have had a super-close marriage), but the feelings she details that one gets when a loved one is in serious condition in a hospital seem spot-on to me.

      2. Snacattack*

        I will be the contrarian here… I read it a couple of years after my spouse died, and I hated it. I learned very little about what made her husband and daughter special to her, but I sure learned an awful lot about the restaurants they liked…

    17. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m reading daughter of no worlds and pumpkin spice cafe right now. Both are good reads so far with pumpkin spice cafe being nice and cozy for fall

    18. Reader turned non-reader reading again!*

      Okay, so, this is going to sound silly, but: I stopped reading for fun around the time I started college. Then I graduated, and started again for a bit. Then I started grad school while working full time, and I stopped again. Then I finished grad school and started reading for fun again, but then I became a mom. I had literally only finished two (new) non-parenting books in six years. Until two weeks ago!!!!

      What is this miraculous book that got me going again? A Court of Thorns and Roses. Definitely not the most intellectual of books, but oh. my. dog. It feels so good to just lose myself in a book and then stay up too late reading. I feel like a piece of that old me is coming back.

      So does anyone have ideas for similarly quick-moving, emotionally engaging (but not too realistic, I need the escape!) books for when I’m done?

      PS. if I’m being honest with myself, I also got ADHD meds for the first time ever recently. That is probably also part of it.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        If you like the fantasy genre I would recommend Cassandra Clare – City of Ashes is the first in her most popular series. A Discovery of Witches also went pretty quickly for me as well.

      2. Mrs. Frisby*

        I feel like you should definitely add Fourth Wing to your list. I haven’t read ACoTaR yet, but my understanding is that they are a similar type of book–fast paced with lots of action despite being on the longer side.

        They get suggested here all the time (for good reason, in my opinion!) but I’d also recommend the Scholomance series–A Deadly Education is the first one. Fun, fast, engrossing.

        And maybe also The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi. Fun, fantasy/historical story on the high seas with monsters and getting the gang back together for one last job and adventure. It’s one of my favorite reads this year, despite generally not enjoying nautical fiction.

      3. Lizard*

        Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yaros shows up on a lot of the same lists as the ACOTAR books. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I was going to. Definitely not high literature and there’s plenty to nitpick, but there’s a lot of action!

        The Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare (first book is City of Bones) could also fit. I read the first three 5+ years ago, but I remember coming out of the weekend in a daze because I hadn’t put them down.

        The Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs is an urban fantasy series about a walker (a woman who can turn into a coyote) and all of the nonsense/action she gets up because of the neighboring werewolf pack/her vampire friends/the fae etc., I’ve learned that these are not ‘before bed’ books for me because then I don’t get enough sleep.

        The Rook by Daniel O’Malley is one of my favorites. I’d put it in a different group than the three above – there’s no romance plot line. But it’s a creative fantasy novel, and the action starts on page 1. Plot: A woman wakes up surrounded by dead bodies with no memory of what happened. She finds a note in her pocket from her former self giving her two options. She can either escape and assume a new identity or she can take her place in the leadership of a supernatural organization and find out who is trying to kill her.

        1. Flower necklace*

          Mercy Thompson is very addictive. I’m in the middle of the series and can’t put it down. The companion series Alpha and Omega is excellent, too.

        2. Mrs. Frisby*

          I love The Rook! I’ve given that one as gifts to a few people–it’s so fun and action packed!

        3. Bike Walk Barb*

          I just looked up the Mercy Thompson books and discovered she goes to the Tri-Cities area in Washington state. I live in Washington and always like it when I find a book set in my part of the world, plus every once in a while I need a good supernatural + heroine-kicks-ass-a-lot series. Putting it on my library list (which just gets longer and longer each weekend thanks to these threads and all of you).

          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            Correction–she lives in the Tri-Cities. (Which those of us who live here just refer to that way, not as “Tri-Cities area” the way I wrote it above) I read the description too fast.

      4. OtterB*

        Try the T Kingfisher paladin/world of the white rat books. Start with either Swordheart (middle aged housekeeper accidentally acquires a magic sword and control – sort of – of the warrior who is enchanted into it. ) or with The Clockwork Boys / Wonder Engine duology (mismatched group of ninja accountant, assassin, paladin with some lingering demon possession problems, and monk/scholar are sent on an impossible quest.). Follow with the Saint of Steel books beginning with Paladin’s Grace.

        1. dreamofwinter*

          Strong agree – while the subject matter and plot can sometimes be pretty serious in these, they are somehow incredibly comforting. Possibly because there’s a strong theme of middle-aged women competently dealing with all kinds of crap (e.g. in Swordheart there is some inheritance-and-awful-relatives stuff going on) – and that’s super relatable to me. Regardless, I recommend these highly! Tread cautiously with some of T. Kingfisher’s other books as she also writes (very good) horror.

          1. Genevieve*

            Excellent, thanks. And I think you put your finger on the common thread of a lot of the media I’ve been enjoying lately – competent middle-aged women. (Also, functional relationships.)

          2. epicdemiologist*

            Another strong rec for T. Kingfisher (her fairy-tale retellings/riffs are also excellent). And an aside–fans of competent middle-aged women might also enjoy Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        Any of Sarah Gran’s mysteries–start with Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead and read in sequence!

        For more lighthearted fare, perhaps my go-tos, Shirley Jackson and Connie Willis?

    19. Person from the Resume*

      I just finished the audiobook of The God of the Woods by Liz Moore. It’s a thrilling mystery.

      Also a musing on class and women and their roles (in both 1961 when one child disappears and 1975 when another child vanishes).

      There are multiple viewpoint characters and one of the first female NY State investigators Judy, a suspect Louise, and a witness Tracy all have great character arcs shaped by the experience.

    20. dontbeadork*

      Rereading Charlotte MacLeod’s The Recycled Citizen. I’ve been in a “read old friends” mood of late, so I have MacLeod (and her Alisa Craig alter ego), Alexander McCall Smith and Terry Pratchett going all at the same time.

    21. ecnaseener*

      I just finished Julia, a retelling of 1984 from Julia’s perspective. It was very good, thought-provoking, felt like a fresh take on the original without having contempt for its flaws. (Definitely reread 1984 right before Julia if it’s been a while — even with it fresh in my mind, I think I’m going to go through it again to compare certain scenes.)

    22. Namenlos*

      The echo of old books by Barbara Savis. Bookstore owner comes across two unique books that seem to tell the same real-life story from different perspectives and starts to investigate. I’m enjoying it a lot.

    23. Ali + Nino*

      The Pity of It All: A history of Jews in Germany by Amos Elon. Interesting but definitely depressing, and a lot of highs and lows (wow that one Jew seems to have made such an indelible mark on culture! oh wow culture at large, in that time and place, still considered Jews subhuman? really??) I’m about a third of the way through, and I’ll keep reading but …I know it’s only going to get worse :(

      Any other recommendations for books on Jewish history? Any time period and anywhere in the world. Thanks!

      1. HannahS*

        WELL YES ACTUALLY!
        Firstly, kudos. I couldn’t get through The Pity of It All; the pain of it was too much for me.

        I greatly enjoyed:
        Rebbe by Joseph Telushkin. A biography of Menachem Schneerson, and through him the history of the Chabad movement. Fascinating!

        Seyder Tkhines by Devra Kay. A translation of Renaissance women’s Yiddish prayer books, with extensive commentary on their publication history and social role (featuring: literate, economically active women with rich spiritual lives; the hidden “other side” of the male-centered daily prayers)

        The Grammar of G-d by Avia Kushner. Not so much history as the story of the challenges of translation, extremely well-written. The author is a poet.

        Daily Life in Biblical Times by Liora Ravid. A discussion of the social, economic, and legal norms of the Torah era. Not riveting, but I read through it slowly and learned a lot. Some of it seemed…less academically rigorous than I prefer.

        The Rarest Blue by Baruch Sterman. A history of tkhelet, the blue dye originally used for tzitzit. The knowledge of how to make it was lost after the Roman invasion, then searched for several times before being rediscovered. An easy, academically interesting, relatively light read.

        The Talmud: A Biography by Harry Freedman. I actually didn’t finish it because the relentless persecution made it a heavier read than I wanted at the time. But as I recall, it was very good.

      2. Wow*

        A novel rather than non-fiction, but moving and wonderful — The Chosen by Chaim Potok. The movie is fantastic too. It takes place in the context of Judaism, but it’s also about friendship and father-son relationships. A really beautiful work.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Thanks for the recommendation! I tried reading My Name is Asher Lev many years ago and couldn’t get into it, but I think I’m finally up for trying Chain Potok again.

    24. RedinSC*

      I’m about 2/3 through A Peace to End All Peace. by Fromkin

      it’s pretty interesting especially considering world events right now.

    25. Meh*

      I just finished the third book in the Of Flesh and Bones series and I am so not interested in the final one. it was like watching a movie with a giant plot hole; if the person just did one easy thing it would all be over.

      Also finished Throne of Glass and that was super meh as well. I’m not invested in the characters, the whole plot of the book seems unnecessary- for those who have read the series, does it get better? Maas also loves to repeat phrases through her books. By the 10th Adarlan’s Assassin i was over it- she used it 20 times.

      1. carcinization*

        I had to read Throne of Glass for book club and it was not my cup of tea either. The weird thing is that in many ways it was very similar to a book I really do like that seems to possibly have too many ideas instead of two few ideas: Hodgell’s The God Stalker Chronicles. Also about a skinny sexy young thief with a cool animal companion, for example.

    26. Nervous Nellie*

      As it is the season, I had the bright idea to read the Penguin Classics collection of Shirley Jackson stories called Dark Tales. What was I thinking? I loved Life Among the Savages and the short story The Lottery, but was not prepared for this truly frightening series of stories. It says something that The Lottery is not even in this collection. I’ve read the first couple of stories, and am getting used to sleeping with the lights on, thank you very much.

      1. word nerd*

        As not much of a horror fan myself (I get creeped out way too easily), I feel you! I love Shirley Jackson despite my feelings on horror because she’s such a good author, but I’m not going to attempt Dark Tales based on your description. I am planning on reading Jackson’s short story collection Just an Ordinary Day soon, which apparently has a mix of stories so it’s not unrelenting creepiness! I thought about reading Dracula this month and then decided nah, I don’t really feel like thinking about vampires. :P

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Just an Ordinary Day is wonderful! It’s got a mix of creepers and some delightful, lighthearted stories from various magazines that are funny and charming. Like “I.O.U.” where an entire town gets caught up in trading favors, or “Journey with a Lady,” about the train ride of a young boy’s life.

          There’s great creepy ones too, like The Order of Charlotte’s Going, with a twist at the end that should have won an O Henry Award.

          But don’t shy away from Dark Tales, those stories are wonderful too!

      2. GoryDetails*

        Heh! I adore Shirley Jackson – both her domestic-comedy tales and her incredibly dark horror/suspense stories – but I can see how they might be too much! Some of the terrors involve mundane, real-world situations, such as the Guest Who Would Not Leave, while others play with feelings of being lied to and abandoned – and then there are the outright supernatural ones…

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        The Possibility of Evil! So deranged yet so perfectly on point in the character type that could do that…

    27. Bike Walk Barb*

      Thanks to someone’s recommendation I’m working my way through Ellie Griffiths’ series about Dr. Ruth Galloway, forensic archaeologist. I’m up to Dark Angel, in which she goes to Italy.

      Next up will be A Botanical Daughter by Noah Medlock. Seems appropriate for October, per the replies below about Frankstein-adjacent books.

    28. carcinization*

      Still enjoying Duane’s The Door into Fire, will buy the other books in the series even though it’s unfinished.

    29. GoryDetails*

      More seasonal horror/dark fiction stories: These Things That Walk Behind Me by David Surface, just released from Lethe press. Some of the stories were originally published in other anthologies, with several that are new to this collection.

    30. Lizard*

      My ‘bus book’ is Emily Wilde’s Encyclopedia of Faeries. It’s been on my ‘to read’ list for a while, and so far it’s funny and cozy!

      My ‘home book’ is The Unmaking of June Farrow, which I’m really enjoying so far! It’s a magical realism story that takes place a small town in North Carolina. All of the women in June Farrow’s family have gone mad. She’s prepared to be the next and to make sure that she doesn’t pass it on. But after her grandmother dies, she starts to find clues that unravel the source of the madness.

    31. Elizabeth West*

      Finished John Grisham’s The Guardians (liked it) and am still working on Gabino Iglesias’ House of Bone and Rain (like it).
      I also added to my TBR file and started Stephen Graham Jones’ The Only Good Indians.

  2. Nameless*

    A friend & I are supposed to go see a movie, but we’ve been a little stymied by figuring out what we actually want to see. I’m leaning toward The Wild Robot but we’re also both very emotional moms & I don’t want it to make me cry. Suggestions? We’re in LA so whatever you’re thinking of, it’s probably playing somewhere near us.

    1. Me 9908*

      The Wild Robot will make you cry. I’m a teacher and I read the book to my students each year and there’s a few places where the kids (and still me) tear up. But it’s a fantastic book and I want to see it!

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      NOT Megalopolis! Colossal waste of time and money.

      Highly recommend The Critic starring Ian McKellen, however.

    4. Madame Arcati*

      I went to see Lee, about wartime Vogue photographer Lee Miller, the other day and thought it was excellent.

    7. CTT*

      So I also saw Megalopolis and will give a qualified recommendation for it. Not to be too Old Man Yells At Cloud, but after watching 30 minutes of previews for sequels, remakes, and adaptations of existing IP, it was neat to see something that was truly original. It was a hot mess that made no sense, but I enjoyed it and can totally see 20 years from now all the “Megalopolis was a misunderstood masterpiece” think pieces.

    8. Bike Walk Barb*

      This one is a crying movie because it involves missing and murdered Indigenous women but well worth seeing: “Fancy Dance” with Lily Gladstone. I saw it a couple of months ago at the Seattle Film Festival. Gladstone is phenomenal, as is the young Isabel Deroy-Olsen who plays another lead role.

      Looking this up to confirm Deroy-Olsen’s name I got mad at IMDB. Its short intro page about the movie lists neither of these women as “stars”, only men. That absolutely does not represent the actual movie, which is woman-centered.

  3. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been playing Stardew Valley again, and am enjoying getting back into it. I’ve got a new character and having fun with the quest lines that I can do more efficiently now that I’ve figured things out. I’m super close to having my greenhouse and the bus line!

    1. Giz's Mom*

      I’m still playing Elder Scrolls (ESO), but I just started a necromancer character, which is new for me. I’m usually all about rogues – sneaking around, stabbing people in the back. (not sure what this says about me in real life, lol!) It’s a new play style, and I’m enjoying throwing exploding skulls around!

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        The Ordinator mod redoes the skill tree, but it’s great for a necromancer. You can have a party of undead followers based on your restoration skill level.

    2. Jay*

      I’ve started a replay of Dragon Age: Inquisition before the release of the next volume. It’s holds up shockingly well for such an old game! The graphics are unreal for a more than 10 year old title.

      1. Missa Brevis*

        Even DA2 still looks shockingly good, though not as good as Inquisition! I’m trying not to hype myself up too much but I’m very excited for Veilguard to come out

    3. Kiki Is The Most*

      I just learned how to play Flamecraft. Once I heard there were purple dragons and fancy dragons, I was hooked. While there might seem to be a lot ‘detail’ rules/steps, it will start to move quickly as everyone figures it out. I am playing again this week so that I can actually strategize.

    5. AnonymousOctopus*

      I’m so excited that we have a console release date for the Stardew Valley update!! Of course two days before the date was announced I started a new save file—doh!

        1. CeramicSun*

          Switch 1.6 update releases on November 4! I’m excited to see all the new stuff for myself

    6. Namenlos*

      We went to Spiel24 in Essen today. One of the biggest if not the biggest trade fair for board games. We test played seven different games. Great fun!

    7. Quinalla*

      Really been enjoying Knock on the Coffin Lid – it’s a deck builder but with a plot and you can affect things as you go through the loop over and over. It is like if you combined Hades with Slay the Spire. The deck builder mechanics are very similar to Slay the Spire, but it has its own flair as well. I just unlocked the third character this weekend!

    8. Spiritbrand*

      I’m killing time playing City of Heroes until New World has its update. I hope it draws me in again. I really do love the combat in that game, but I feel like there’s nothing to do with it after a while. There’s no “there” there.

  4. Dainty Lady*

    I live adjacent to wildfire country. In the spirit of responsible preparation, I was thinking of getting a fireproof-waterproof safe to put important papers and my little bits of heirloom jewelry in. Does anyone have one, and has a recommendation? Would a gun safe work? (Not that I have one, just asking.)

    1. Double A*

      We live in wildfire country and we keep that kind of stuff in a safe deposit box in case you haven’t considered that option. We keep photocopies of important documents but the originals in the box

      1. Hazel*

        I don’t have one, but I would ask questions about the temps it can withstand. It may not be correct but I was told that some of the cheap ones are flameproof but get so hot you might end up with cinders.

      2. Dainty Lady*

        /feeling dumb/ Why did I not think of making photocopies and keeping them somewhere else?

        I don’t want a safe deposit box but the photocopies are brilliant.

        1. Clumsy Ninja*

          Also considering scanning them and having them in the cloud (if appropriate) for easy access from anywhere or on external hard drives that are easy to grab and take with you if you have to evacuate.

    2. I didn't say banana*

      I live in bushfire country (Australia) and we’re advised to keep important documents in a bag that we would take with us when we evacuate – if your house burns down, you’re going to need ID documents, insurance papers etc possibly before you can go back to the property to get them.

      Also, can I suggest scanning/photographing important documents and keeping them securely online?

      None of this helps with your heirloom jewellery, of course, unless you also want to keep it in your evacuation bag.

      1. Quinalla*

        Instead of a bag, I have a small fireproof/waterproof case with a handle. That way if we are home, we can grab it on the way out and if we aren’t, it’s protected (to a point – as folks said, the safes/cases are only rated to a certain temp.)

        Most gun safes are fireproof and often waterproof – again to a point – but I’d personally go with a smaller handled case as it is much less expensive and likely all you need for papers.

        And yeah, copies stored offsite is a good idea too.

    3. Qwerty*

      I have a small one by Sentry Safe that was $25-50 a few years ago. I don’t know whether it can withstand wildfire temps. I use it the same as you – important papers and a couple sentimental items

      I keep the key inside mine since its just for keeping things fireproof. Growing up my dad had a label on ours that said “NOT LOCKED, paperwork only” so that if anyone broke in they would just look inside the safe for anything they wanted rather than steal the whole thing.

      Mine is relatively small – basically a very thick briefcase, so it isn’t difficult to carry one handed by the handle. My sister has the same one and found it convenient when needing to make swift evacuations for hurricanes, because all of the “too important to lose” items were in one spot.

    4. TeaCoziesRUs*

      We lived in wildfire country for years and were always told to wrap it up well and put it in the freezer! But we just keep everything in one central spot instead.

  5. Free Meerkats*

    Why do people get so worked up over someone turning around in their driveway? Before she died, the woman next door would yell at them, and if she was working in the yard, spray them with a hose. My wife is starting to get the same way, though she just complains to me – I guess my response of, “So?” isn’t what she wants to hear.
    We’re the first two houses at the top of a dead end hill with no turn around at the bottom where you can’t see the Dead End sign until you turn. So they see the sign and turn around.
    I could kind of see it if you had a gravel drive that would require more raking from constant turnarounds, but we both have pavement.
    Thoughts?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you ask your wife what the issue is, maybe when she’s not already cranked off about it, what does she say? I don’t love when people turn around in my driveway because my husband parks in it and our trash cans are in it and I don’t want to deal with the fallout if they’re not careful in their turning around and they hit anything, but that’s never actually happened, and I certainly wouldn’t yell at people about it or spray them with the hose, WTF. At most I might roll my eyes, and I probably wouldn’t even notice anyway.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Hm. I would continue the conversation with my spouse (“ok, I got that part, but why? What is the actual reason that this is an issue for you?”) until he either gave a vaguely reasonable answer or acknowledged that it was just an irrational preference on his part (which would also be fine, god knows I have my own irrational preferences, but I acknowledge that’s what they are), but that’s just me.

        2. Qwerty*

          A better question to ask her is “what should they do instead?” Sometimes not having a better alternative makes it easier to downgrade a reaction from upset to mildly annoyed.

          It sounds like the real issue is that the sign isn’t visible until after you make the turn and the focus should be on addressing that. The point of those signs is so people can avoid turning into a dead end. Also check out Google maps / Apple maps / Waze to see if it knows about the dead end, maybe there’s a way to reduce the number of people getting lost in the first place.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        I don’t love it because I have a very strong sense of MINE, and I WON’T SHARE, but as long as they do it quickly, don’t drive over the grass, don’t leave oil stains, etc, I am not actually going to do anything about it, because I understand logically that it’s silly to get worked up about this.
        Except that one lady who decided to use my driveway while I was backing out of my garage. She was totally oblivious, I was halfway down when she started, and was shocked when I honked at her.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Now, the one neighbor who always walks on the grass (once every couple of weeks or so) while we have real and maintained sidewalk, pisses me off. I usually catch him on the Ring while working, so I never said anything.

        2. RussianInTexas*

          I live in a fairly condensed single family neighborhood with small lots, so that lady had multiple driveways to turn around on, but also many intersected streets (it’s a grid), so it’s not like my house was her last hope…

        3. ReallyBadPerson*

          Years ago, we lived on a very busy commuter road, and our driveway was designed to allow us to turn around, so that we didn’t have to back out onto the road. One day, I was coming back home, turned into my driveway, and saw that someone else had used it to turn around and was headed straight at me. I stopped, motioned for her to back into an empty space and allow me to park, rather than forcing me to back out onto the street.

          Nope. She wasn’t having it. She sat there and laid on her horn. In my driveway. So I turned off my engine, explained why it was better for her park in a space, then let me drive in. Nope. “I’m already late! Just move your car so I can leave.” I replied that no one should back out onto the street, because it wasn’t safe, which is why there were 4 parking spaces parallel to the driveway. She cursed a blue streak, then complied. If we had had a lawn to drive over, instead of a stone wall and some oak trees, she would have driven over it.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’m going to guess it’s because they choose to live at the end of a dead end street for the quiet isolation, and lost people disturb that quiet isolation.
      Would it be possible to move the sign to make it more visible?

      1. Free Meerkats*

        But we’re not at the end, we’re at the entrance to a 2 block long dead end. The sign is where the MUTCD says it should be (I am a retired Public Works Manager.)

    3. Chaordic One*

      Well, it is your (and her) personal space so I can kind of understand why it might bug her. But even so…

    4. Laggy Lu*

      Haha! I am dumbfounded as to why people turn around in my driveway and it drives me nuts. We are on a hill where you can’t see traffic from one side, and there is also a fence on that side, our driveway is long and steep, and there is always cars on the street.
      And yet, people are constantly turning around in our driveway. I care less than it confuses me.
      But there is the occasional idiot that drives on our lawn that pisses me off.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Well, the parked cars make it difficult to do a 3-point turn, though your driveway doesn’t sound like an ideal choice if others are available.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I admit to feeling irked if someone pulls into my driveway only to turn around, but I admit it doesn’t make a lot of sense – as long as they’re driving carefully, anyway: if someone pulls in fast without looking, they’re likely to hit someone.

      As someone whose hobbies include stops at random places (for Little Free Libraries and/or geocaches) I do find myself needing to turn around fairly often, but I attempt to minimize the time I spend on anyone else’s driveway. But some streets are so narrow that I can’t turn around without pulling into a driveway, and if the next intersection is a good bit away, I may use a handy driveway. I am always careful, and I don’t pull in any farther than I need to, and so far nobody’s come out to yell at me – though I have had a few nice chats with the people who owned the Little Free Libraries or geocaches and noticed me hovering in the area {wry grin}.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I think when we do this ourselves “oh, I’m lost, I need to turn around and the only way to do this is to use the driveway” we think of it is a rare occurrence. I think some houses just get those rare occurrences much more frequently than the individual involved, though. (They’re still lost though, and need to turn around!) At our house it’s learner drivers. We are on the driving test route (right between a rare double roundabout and a busy road) and driving teachers love to stop by and use our road to practice manoeuvres because it’s wide, and not busy, so whenever we park up (we park on the road), there’s a learner driver waiting to reverse around our car to park. Our house is a particular favourite because we are equally distant from both junctions. My partner gets really worked up and you can see the driving teacher is baffled by why we would care about their presence for ten minutes. Sometimes there’s an actual queue of them when we are still unloading the car, though.

        1. Phoebe Nix*

          this is the classic thing: when WE do it, we know we are harmless and lost and mean no disrespect/ill intent so it’s “fine” whereas when SOMEONE ELSE does it to us, it feels vaguely threatening/disrespectful :P

    6. Snacattack*

      Hmm, I have no idea! It doesn’t bother me at all if someone turns around in my driveway…but then again I live on a fairly busy street, not a dead end. Don’t know if that’s what makes the difference, but it feels like it might…an expectation of privacy perhaps.

    7. Kay*

      Something tells me that the same people upset that I use their driveway to turn around – I drive a lot, and I have to turn around often – would be the same people pissed off that I did a 20 point turn in the middle of the street to ensure I encroached upon not one driveway nor the personal space of any vehicle, trash can, scooter, plant, street art, etc. Granted – I have never pulled into anyone’s driveway more than necessary to turn around, but there are instances where you miss your turn and a driveway is literally your only option.

    8. fallingleavesofnovember*

      It bugs me a bit because we are close to a dead end and it happens multiple times a day, including with big delivery trucks (that are never for us)…it just feels like a lot of traffic where you wouldn’t expect it. But I certainly don’t care enough to tell people off or get upset about it!

    9. Donkey Hotey*

      I’m with you, OP. A woman a few blocks down from us has orange vines and a chain across her driveway. I thought that was strange enough but there have been reports from other parts of the country of people getting shot for turning around in someone’s driveway. Tragic.

      1. Lala*

        I live on the local parade route and one time the police were having people turn around in our driveway. we objected, and they said they were doing it for safety. but it is our property, it causes wear and tear, there’s potential for someone hitting something in the driveway, we don’t want random people coming onto our property….

        etc etc. it just isn’t the thing to do…we don’t post, but plenty of people here do, including religious buildings. maybe there’s a question of liability too if something happens?

          1. Lala*

            It wasn’t. With the police directing, it was perfectly safe for cars to turn around in the road. It was just easier for all involved to take advantage of the driveway. People, including authorities, can – and do – cite public safety for all sorts of things that are just about doing what they want/making it easier for themselves/or excusing inappropriate (to put it mildly) exercises of power.

            If it was actually a matter of public safety to have cars turn around in our driveway, then that should have been established long before the day of the parade, and procedures should have been followed (which would, I assume, involve a phone call from the police to us).

            2. Reluctant Mezzo*

              I would set up a hot dog stand and see if anyone feels guilty enough to buy. But then, much Ferengi blood runs in my family.

        2. Donkey Hotey*

          I’m not sure where you live or what the geography looks like, but I get the feeling we’re talking about two different things. my driveway is about 30 feet long. To turn around means driving a car length in, putting the car in reverse, and pulling back out to head the other direction. I see no wear and tear or liability issue.

    10. KeinName*

      Here I would like to tell the story of my friend who lives rurally, is into sustainability, and was seeking the house of someone who sold a pair of barefoot shoes for children online. She got the wrong house and had her two babies in the car, turned into someone‘s drive and had the gate shut on her. Making her stuck in someone‘s yard in her car.
      Can’t remember how she got out again but it’s exactly the kind of thing that would happen to her.

      1. WellRed*

        Geeze, how far into the driveway did she pull? I pull in the bare minimum but half my car at least is usually still on the road.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          Some people have gates so close to the road that even in a little Toyota Prius the only way not to go beyond the gate is to pull in sideways, and of course many drives aren’t wide enough for that.

        2. KeinName*

          I think she is bad at reverse driving. Anyway we live in a country other than the US. Though people would still find it strange if you hang out in their yard randomly. Thankfully she got out somehow. And also got the shoes I believe

        3. Seashell*

          I would expect rural areas to have a lot of really long driveways. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an automatic gate in that sort of area, but driveways that are 20 car lengths’ long? Definitely.

    11. ThatGirl*

      We have a shared drive with our next door neighbor, they have a 1 car garage and we have a 2 car so their cars take up the whole part of their drive. Sometimes people pull into our driveway and park for a few minutes and that kinda bugs me because what if we needed to leave quickly? (There is street parking.) But just turning around, whatever.

    12. Is it Friday yet?*

      At night, the headlights through the window is annoying. And the unsettling feeling someone just pulled in when you’re not expecting anyone. I’d say that’s one point for don’t do it at night.

      1. fposte*

        I always just dip my headlights first. I saw a friend doing that years ago,and thought it was a great idea.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          If by dip you mean turn off, I could see that freaking out paranoid people. “Oh my god, someone drove into my precious driveway *and* turned off their lights! Grab the gun, Ken!”

      2. Roland*

        I can see why it would be momentarily alarming but people who need to turn around still need to turn around at night.

        1. Phoebe Nix*

          The main thing I think is to do it quickly and GO. I live at a T intersection and a fair number of people pull over there with their headlights on, facing my house. I’m aware they’re probably lost and consulting a map or they’re waiting for someone. It’s also possible there is something a bit sketchy going on as often they hang out there for ten-twenty minutes, then someone comes out of one of the houses around me and leans through the window for a few seconds and then they go. Drug deals, possibly? I dunno. Probably nothing. But ideally I wouldn’t prefer the road in front of my house as the site for illegal activities for a couple reasons. If someone just bobs in and out/turning around, I have no issue with that. Then again I’m not in a place where that happens super often. I can imagine why OP’s wife started to find it annoying if it happens all the time. You’re constantly thinking “is someone here? Oh, no, never mind.”

    13. Harlowe*

      Our driveway is steep in two dimensions, meaning that it is both curved and on a hill. If you don’t know exactly what angle to take, you will scrape/bottom out and damage both your vehicle and my asphalt. Invited people are taught the proper method.

      Also, people are generally unskilled drivers and tend to hit landscaping. A FedEx guy came flying up my driveway (for what turned out to be a package for my neighbor), then realized he was at the wrong house and reversed at high speed, backing over half my hedgerow which was 25+ years old. Still fighting with the company about reimbursement.

        1. Lala*

          Every single winter, if it snows, someone always goes off this one road that has a curve in it and hits this woman’s stone wall. Every single winter. I can see it. If someone doesn’t realize what the driveway is like and is going to fast, yeah, absolutely. I once got stuck on a (public) driveway, because I didn’t realize how it was configured.

          1. carrot cake*

            But “People do this or that” implies “All people do this or that.” It’s important to qualify, e.g. “People who turn around in my driveway…”

            1. Ellis Bell*

              I mean, the driver who bashed my car door in at the supermarket was not “people who turn in my driveway” but they were unskilled at manoeuvring and there’s a lot of bad driving out there… generally. Generally doesn’t mean “all people” but that it’s a general thing to expect (or insure against) because it happens a lot. That said, I don’t care about people turning in my driveway because, weirdly I always expect things to be okay until they’re not.

        2. Harlowe*

          Not sure what you’re confused about. Most strangers who come up my driveway struggle to navigate it and usually end up hitting my plants when they try to leave. It’s twisty, steep, and not for novice drivers.

          1. Phoebe Nix*

            I have certainly accidentally rolled over the curb while trying to back out of unfamiliar driveways.

      2. Frieda*

        My uphill neighbor was driving down the cul-de-sac too fast on ice and slid into my driveway and then right into my dang porch, moving one of the supports *well* out of place. Not a short driveway, either. I wasn’t home so had to piece together what had happened afterwards but eventually another neighbor said they’d seen him driving through my YARD but thought maybe I knew about it blah blah and I was like: no, Charlie with the DUI(s) from up the hill does not have permission to drive his truck in my yard?!

        I suspect he was going too fast because he was, in fact, drunk but it wasn’t worth the conflict to try to get him to tell me what had happened or reimburse me for the repairs to the porch.

        In my current house the driveway is unusable because the ancient retaining wall has leaned in so far that it’s a white-knuckle situation to even pull in and no one in their right mind is going to try it.

    14. fposte*

      Makes me think of people getting worked up about people parking in front of their houses on the public street. I don’t get super bothered by either of those things, but I have my “People shouldn’t do that!” triggers, and I think most of us do. They may vary from culture to culture as well as from person to person, but ultimately I think it’s common to have practices that just feel unacceptably disrespectful even though they don’t cause any significant damage.

      But don’t tell your wife about my experience this summer when the people who pulled up in my driveway were fleeing the police in a stolen car (they actually then drove between my and my neighbor’s house and abandoned the car when they realized they couldn’t get to the main road from there). That wouldn’t support your point very much.

      1. Autumn Days*

        Oh my, yes, best not think about how they might be fugitives on the loose. My parents had someone tear across their yard running from the police last year, but it turned out to just be a kid running away from a Halloween party that the police were breaking up. The kid and the low fence he didn’t know was there were a little worse for wear and costume accoutrements were left behind, but otherwise all ended well.

      2. Phoebe Nix*

        The parking thing is funny. I’m too close to the turn for parking in front of my house – there’s a sign, it’s a tricky intersection – so I had put no thought into this phenomenon, although I live in a city where people will sometimes come out and scold you/ask you to move if you park in “their” spot. Which I always roll my eyes at (especially if they have their own driveway/garage, which the lady I’m thinking of does), but do generally comply. Then the ‘no parking’ sign came down in a storm and immediately the guy in a huge jacked up truck started parking in front of my house and I was surprised – it *did* irk me! Partly just because I knew it was still a dangerous intersection even if the sign was briefly down, partly because it was a huge ugly truck that ruined my curb appeal, partly because I just – didn’t – like to look out the window and see him there. Just wasn’t used to it, I guess. I’m sure in time (or if it had always been that way) I would have adjusted.

      3. londonedit*

        The parking on the street thing is funny. Here in London, unless you live in a house with a front garden, and you pave over the front garden and pay for the council to install a dropped kerb outside your house (which has its own set of issues in that tons of green space has been paved over to give people their own off-street parking) then pretty much all the residential parking is on-street. Most of the time it’s also permit controlled, so again you pay a yearly fee to the council for a residents’ permit that allows you to park on your street. That’s to stop people driving in from further out, parking on residential streets, and commuting from a station closer in to central London (thereby reducing travel costs). Anyway, there aren’t specific parking spaces, it’s just a free-for-all and you park wherever there’s a space. Sometimes outside your actual house, sometimes further along the road.

        The problems start because you have people who are not from London, or who aren’t familiar with the whole setup, who buy/rent a house or a flat and are told there’s on-street parking outside the property. Which they take to mean they have the right to park directly outside the property at all times. So then they take to the local Facebook group to shout about people parking outside their house, in ‘their’ parking space.

    15. Clisby*

      No idea – I don’t recall hearing people complain about this. Blocking the driveway, yes, but not just using it to turn around. The one that *really* baffles me, though, is when people seem to think the street spaces in front of their house belong to them. I’m not talking about in some private gated community; I mean 0n a public street. Go figure.

    16. Autumn Days*

      I’m the half of the couple who doesn’t care, married to someone who does. The people are only there briefly, it’s paved so they’re not hurting anything or wearing anything out – who cares?

      My spouse doesn’t like it when people stand on our driveway to talk to the neighbors either, so I think it’s mostly a “This is my territory!” thing. Reading this thread is interesting to me because I see it bothers other people too. But I’m with you, I don’t get it.

      1. Phoebe Nix*

        I do think it’s a bit of a primitive territory instinct :P The same people twigged by this are probably also the “you kids get off my lawn!” set.

    17. Unkempt Flatware*

      I don’t know! I’ll never understand that. I am from very very rural America. I grew up with a 1/2 long driveway and so did all my “neighbors”. It was not unusual for someone to come down our driveway thinking it was a road or simply someone else’s driveway. As long as they didn’t drive too fast or carelessly, it wasn’t even worth tracking the event in your mind.

      1. Goldfeesh*

        That’s where I come down on it. A friend’s husband had a flat on a gravel road and a woman called the cops on him when he was changing his tire because he was a couple car lengths from her driveway- not in her driveway. It’s like, “Seriously? You aren’t allowed to change your tire in a rural area any longer?”

    18. KatCardigans*

      Driveway I don’t mind so much as long as they’re not being obnoxious in other ways (music blaring, vape smoke billowing out of the windows). The thing about turning around in somebody’s driveway is that it’s obvious somebody made a mistake, and there are often limited ways to fix that mistake. I am bad at directions and thus often need to turn around, and while I hate turning around in people’s driveways, I have and I always assume they will extend me grace for making an error.

      What DOES grind my gears, though, is that the local middle school changed its traffic pattern this spring, so that police now direct all traffic leaving the school to go to the right instead of letting it go both directions. Our road is the only residential street on the left between the school and an intersection, so dozens and dozens of people do daily U-turns in our road to head back the other way. We’re on a private road and it’s gravel, so there is significant wear and tear, but also makes it really difficult to get in and out for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon! The other day my husband was trying to walk our daughter to preschool in the stroller, and it was a solid 15 minutes before a car yielded so he could get onto the sidewalk. I’m at bitch-eating-crackers levels of annoyance about it.

      1. Phoebe Nix*

        I feel ya, my road is the cut-through to the rental car truck drop off :( First of all, since these are people RENTING the truck, they are often not very savvy with it and tend to go too fast on our residential street. It’s not a cut through people would have known about before everyone started using phone navigation, but now it’s the way google routes everyone, so there’s probably 5-10 big rattling trucks every day trying to make the tricky turn in front of my house.

    19. The OG Sleepless*

      I guess it’s just one of those things that builds up over time? When my MIL was a teenager, a notoriously odd family lived next door to her church, so people were always parking in front of their house and/or barely encroaching on their driveway. 16 year old MIL got thoroughly chewed out by the adult daughter of the family when she parked too close to suit her. The only thing that makes this legend-worthy was that the adult daughter happened to be Flannery O’Connor.

    20. Pam Adams*

      I am also amazed by the people such as my sister who object to someone parking on the street in front of our house.

    21. Bike Walk Barb*

      I love the stories and opinions this question brought out. Reading them, I’m glad I live at the end of a cul-de-sac so people just use the street for their “oops, wrong place!” maneuvers.

      The ones about people being annoyed or angry when someone parks on the *public right-of-way* in front of their private property don’t surprise me. I once left my daughter’s car parked at a friend’s house while we were traveling. After a few days her husband started grousing about someone parking in “their” realm, despite their driveway and garage with plenty of space for their two vehicles. It was okay when he found it was me, but wouldn’t have been okay if it was someone who just lived nearby and needed a spot, I guess.

      The driveways are pretty close together in our little circle and occasionally someone ignores the city’s No Parking sign on the pole between our driveway and our neighbor’s driveway. It’s there because if anyone parks there neither of us can get a car out of the driveway. We all have short driveways and landscaping next to them–there’s no other way out.

      All of this makes me glad I usually bike for transportation or walk to the nearby bus stop, since those are space-efficient modes and I can always get out of wherever I’ve ended up without encroaching.

      1. Pam Adams*

        Once my sister and step sister went on a trip. My sister left her car in one of the parking places at the stepsister’s condo. I guess she forgot to let her husband know, since they returned to find he had had my sister’s car towed

    22. Me... Just Me (as always)*

      I don’t know. we are the last house on a dead end street that backs up to a park & that GPS actually used to lead people to when they were looking for the park entrance. I always felt sorry for folks turning around as our street is old & narrow. Please use my driveway!

    23. Quinalla*

      I can understand being annoyed especially if it happens a lot, but beyond that I dunno. I live on a court, so folks just turn around in the court so I don’t have to worry about this. Whenever I see someone turning around in the court, I assume they got lost and don’t worry about it. I only get mad if they are speeding as I have kids and there are a lot of kids on our road, so slow down jerks!

  6. Squash Suggestions Please!*

    Now that fall is here and it is squash season, what are your recommendations and favorite recipes for cooking squash? And also, what are your favorite kinds of squash? I don’t dislike squash but find it kind of bland, although it certainly improves with butter and salt and pepper. I’m sure there must be other ways to prepare it that I’m overlooking. Suggestions please!

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Sweet dumpling squash is amazing! Cut it in half, remove the seeds, rub the inside with olive oil, then bake it cut side down until caramelized and tender. Put a little butter to melt, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Each half is a serving.

      For the blander squashes, you can make curry, soup, stew, chili, etc.

      And I am a fan of spaghetti squash with marinara sauce.

      1. I Super Believe In You, Tad Cooper*

        Hang on, squash chili? I would love a recipe for that if you have a favorite!

        1. Pam Adams*

          Once my sister and step sister went on a trip. My sister left her car in one of the parking places at the stepsister’s condo. I guess she forgot to let her husband know, since they returned to find he had had my sister’s car towed

    2. HannahS*

      Ok my #1 love is kabocha a.k.a buttercup squash. Sweet, dense, smooth and not at all fibrous. I love it roasted or in soup, but I hear it’s good braised in dashi stock, in Japanese fall cooking. Downside, it is very hard to cut, upside the skin is edible.

      Delicata is lighter in flavour more like a really tasty summer squash. I like it roasted with butter as a side for fish.

      Butternut squash is yer standard, every grocery store carries it. It’s nice roasted, and I do a basic pureed soup (butter, onion, garlic, carrot, celery, squash, water, bay leaf, salt and pepper) but it’s excellent in stews and curries! I often make Smitten Kitchen’s Moroccan stew, or put some chunks in any chickpea-based curry. Or beef stew, too.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Butternut squash is good in chili too, either with or instead of meat.

      2. Jay*

        The buttercup is my favorite too!
        Cook it up right and it can taste like pumpkin cheesecake or even roast Italian chestnuts.
        I do the simplest prep in the world.
        Cut it in half, take out the goop, brush with olive oil, salt and pepper to taste, put in your roasting pan, cover the pan with foil, and bake at 350, cut side up, for between 45 and 9o minutes, depending on the size of the squash. For the last 15 to 30 minutes (again, depending on the size of the squash) remove the foil and it will brown and some of the liquid will evaporate. The longer you do this, the more nutty, the shorter you do this the more sweet and creamy.

      3. Alex*

        This is my favorite too! Buttercup squash and kabocha are actually two different squashes but very similar. I like kabocha slightly more just because it is easier to cut (buttercup has the weird bulbous bottom.)

        I almost always cut in half, roast in a shallow pan of water, cut side down, until soft, and then mash with lots of butter. And in fact that is what I ate for dinner this evening. I find it hard to do fancier things with it just because it is so hard to cut up before it is cooked, and the peel is not edible.

        1. a very large purple elephant*

          my trick for buttercup/kabocha is to either (1) cut it in half and microwave for about 3-4 minutes till it gets easier to cut/peel or if I don’t have a microwave to (2) stick it in a pot of boiling water for a couple of minutes till I can cut/peel it.

      4. a very large purple elephant*

        Kabocha/buttercup is my favourite too! I used half in chickpea curry last night. (onions, chickpeas, cauliflower, kale, squash, tomatoes, spices, raisins).
        Soup, always soup.
        Lazy dessert: cooked squash, mash it, add a dash of cinnamon, a bit of sugar and cream.
        And all the baked goods: “bread” (cake, really), or cupcakes, pancakes etc.

      5. Writerling*

        I love kabocha too! Love eating kabocha dango (a Hokkaido specialty if memory serves), the making part is a bit time consuming but you can freeze leftovers.

        Butternut is pretty much a staple in my house, makes a lot of soup.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      Try Japanese nimono – cut up squash simmered in a soy, dashi and sake broth.

      Squash ravioli with brown butter and sage sauce. As a shortcut, use Chinese dumpling wrappers (the thicker round ones) to make the ravioli.

      Squash soup – sauteed onion, squash, chicken broth, sage and thyme, cooked until everything is soft and then pureed.

      I’ve also made a riff on shepherd’s pie with a base of cooked ground meat, onion, peas, corn, finely diced king oyster mushrooms and diced red peppers, with a topping of mashed squash beaten with some egg. It makes a great dish for packing lunch to work.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m not a big squash fan in general, but I do like Three Sisters quesadillas: squash, black beans and corn!

    6. ThatGirl*

      Cubed, roasted with chili spices, served as taco filling. Or mashed with ancho and a bit of cream.

    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      I have a great recipe for mac and cheese that uses cooked butternut squash pureed with cottage cheese and some cheddar cheese. Delish.

    8. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’m planning to try out butternut squash and beef stew, which is new for me because I generally associate squash with vegetarian meals!

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Acorn squash bowls. Halve, scoop, bake until tender. Fill all or some of:
      -applesauce
      -sausage crumbles
      -raisins
      -brown sugar
      -cinnamon

    10. I take tea*

      I like a squash Wikipedia tells me is called Kabocha. I think it tastes like chestnuts and eat it as that.

      When it’s in season I use butternut in most recipes that call for sweet potato. My favourite is in a stew with canned tomato, beans and/or chickpeas and peanut butter. Season with chili and lime juice. The butternut makes it creamy and the sweetness is balanced by the tomato.

    11. MissB*

      Sweet Meat squash is my very fav fall squash, but it may be a PNW variety. I already grabbed one and cubed it up and pressure canned a bunch of pints. I’ll use that for soups, squash tortillas (um, squash and flour, that’s it) and whatever other puréed squash I’d need.

      I love delicata squash as a side dish. It’s a short shelf life squash so the season tends to be short too. I cut it in half length wide, scoop out whatever is in there and then cut each half into half moons. Roast with olive oil and salt and pepper. You can eat the skin.

      Butternut is super versatile as most folks have said already. I love a recipe called Creamy Orzo Pasta with Roasted Butternut Squash from Vikalinka. I tend to use chard or spinach or whatever green I have on hand if I don’t have kale, just adding it at the last step to wilt before serving.

      I used some butternut squash this past weekend to include in a Trader Joe’s harvest sauce copycat recipe. That went with some sausage/ricotta/spinach stuffed shells.

      Acorn squash rings are a thanksgiving staple here. I’ve stuffed the halves before too as a veggie main entree.

      About those squash tortillas – they’re really good with some roasted red onion, garlic and butternut squash on top, some cotija cheese, pumpkin seeds and avocado. Super good dinner option.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Ooh! Vikalinka. That’s a website that I haven’t heard of that I’m definitely going to bookmark!

    12. Cardboard Marmalade*

      My favorite is spaghetti squash. I halve it and put it face down in about an inch of water in a lasagna pan and roast it at about 375 till the flesh is soft enough to scoop out (usually this is when the water is gone from the pan and the rind is starting to brown a bit).

      Mash the scooped-out flesh in a large bowl with salt, olive oil, ground cumin, and ground coriander to taste, plus chopped fresh cilantro if you have it on hand. Then if you’re feeling brave and don’t mind the crunchiness, throw in a bunch of pomegranate seeds. (I think sometimes I put crumbled feta in it, too, but if you do this, hold off on adding salt until you’ve tasted it with the feta in, so it doesn’t get too salty.)

    13. Professor Plum*

      Plus you can roast the seeds to use on top of soups and salads. I always use salt plus other flavorings depending on what I want at the time: cinnamon, rosemary or chile/lime.

      1. LBD*

        I have heard that you can also sprout the seeds, like you would for alfalfa or bean sprouts. I have some that I plan on trying out that way!
        I buy my squash at a farm I pass on my (very long) commute to my work location, where they sell them out of a series of lovely open sheds for $3 each. They provide pads of paper and pencils so you can add up your total, and then you drop the money in a padlocked plywood box! Last year I bought about 2 dozen, a winter’s supply of about one per week.
        I also pass farms selling eggs, a creamery that sells whole milk from a dispenser that you bring your own bottles for, as well as their cheeses, a farm stand with amazing produce, and an artesian well on the side of the road where you can fill your water containers with spring water. Before blight destroyed their trees, there was a place that sold hazelnuts.

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        I was going to say “save the goop!” when someone referred to scooping it out above. I just did a pan of spaghetti squash seeds last night in the oven. 400 degrees for maybe 10 minutes, watching so they pop a bit but don’t get too brown. these I did with just salt and pepper.

        There’s a Field Roast cookbook with a recipe for “ranch potatoes.” Has nothing to do with ranch dressing; he recreated the seasoning mix from his memory’s of roasted potatoes at his grandma’s ranch. The seasoning mix is so good that I make it up in batches and sprinkle it on everything: eggs, popcorn, and often the roasted squash seeds. It’s an interesting mix with cumin, celery salt (I just use celery seeds whirled in a grinder since I don’t keep celery salt on hand), paprika, various other spices. Super tasty and it would be really good on any kind of squash.

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          I wish I could edit to get rid of mistakes my fingers made that my brain doesn’t condone.

    14. RussianInTexas*

      Acorn squash. Half it, scoop out the seeds, microwave it, add butter and some brown sugar, eat straight from the skin.
      Spaghetti squash – don’t pretend it’s actually spaghetti. Cook the insides with salt and butter, sprinkle (or pour) grated cheese on it.
      There are also various recipes for the butternut squash curries online that I am eager to try this fall.

      1. MJ*

        My mom used to cook acorn squash by cutting it in half, scooping out the seeds, filling the hollow with milk and a bit of maple syrup (1 tbsp?), then baking. Yummy! (Now I want to go find one and have it tonight.)

        I think she sliced a very thin bit off the outside to give it a flat base to sit on – but you have to be careful not to pierce through or all the milk will leak out.

    15. Indisch blau*

      I love red kuri squash, which might be the same as kabocha or buttercup. Wash, halve, scoop, slice into “smiles”, paint with olive oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper, other herbs or seasoned salt are good too. Roast at 350-400° until done. The skin of red kuri is edible. If the tips of the smiles are too high, I cut the slices in half.
      I was a squash hater. Red kuri converted me.
      The Washington Post has a recipe for creamy butternut pasta, that I really like: cheesy-squashy sauce with pasta. Really easy and delicious. Double the amount of squash called for.
      And another Wapo recipe – don’t remember the name – uses a whole butternut sliced vertically and filled with layers: cranberry sauce, mushrooms, spinach … It’s quite a production, nur a great vegetarian holiday main dish.

    16. StrayMom*

      We came across a new (to us anyway!) variety last week called “Mashed Potato Squash”- the rind looks like a white acorn squash, the flesh inside is white, and we baked it in a pan with a little water. It came out fluffy and soft, and with a little butter and salt, you’d really think it was mashed potato!

    17. Girasol*

      I grew kabocha squash one year and they took over the garden. Nothing but squash vines covering all the other veggies and black pumpkin-shaped squashes everywhere, even tearing down the fence. I used up a lot of them as a smooth soup made with coconut milk and curry spices. Otherwise, I’m a fan of acorn squash stuffed with sauteed breakfast sausage and apples, or else just roasted then buttered and salted and drizzled with maple syrup.

    18. Katefish*

      Roast an acorn squash, halved, with olive oil, a pat of butter per side, maple syrup, rosemary, and salt and pepper to taste – yum!

    19. JR17*

      Delicata squash! I think it’s the easiest, and so good. It looks like a large cucumber, except mostly yellow/tan in color, with some green or orange. You can cut it with a normal kitchen knife. Trim off the ends, cut it in half the long way. Use a normal spoon to scrape out the seeds and goop. Cut the squash the short way into narrow (1/4 in? Half inch?) half moons. Toss in olive oil, roast in the oven. You can cook til the slices are soft or keep cooking til the thinner ones start crisping – good both ways. They are very common near me (northern California).

    20. RedinSC*

      team Delicata squash here.

      slice, brush with olive oil and some salt and roast.

      it is delicious!!!

    21. Bike Walk Barb*

      Many mentions here of kabocha squash soup. I made it earlier this year for a friend who needed to eat only pureed foods after a procedure and it was a hit. So silky! I’ve made squash soups with others such as butternut and I do think kabocha is better.

      Squash is great in quick breads and muffins. You could substitute for pumpkin if you already have a recipe, although a can of pumpkin is definitely an easier and faster way to make the recipe than cooking a squash. But if you end up with leftover squash that isn’t seasoned in a way that wouldn’t be good in a sweet product, use it up in some goodies.

      I’ll share a gift link for the recipe I used from Kenji Lopez-Alt in the NYT in a reply.

    22. carcinization*

      As usual, Smitten Kitchen has some good ideas. I have made the Spicy Squash Salad with Lentils and Goat Cheese multiple times, for example.

  7. GoryDetails*

    Oh, the cats are being gorgeous (again!). Or are they just playing king-of-the-castle over that portfolio-thing that one of them is lying on?

    1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      At first, I thought there was one big black cat, not 2 black cats, in the photo.

  8. Laggy Lu*

    Hey Dog Owners,
    Any experience with Proin to control spay incontinence? Out of nowhere our girl has been having accidents in the evening. She doesn’t even know she’s leaked. We treated for a UTI, but the accidents persist. We are one day 3 of Proin and hoping it will work.
    Any insight is appreciated!

    1. sswj*

      We used to use it until it got to be very hard to get, and the next dog didn’t have that issue. Seemed to work well though!

    2. Anon for this sensitive topic*

      our male German Shepherd was on this just over a year ago. unfortunately he had all of the bad side effects, like increased vocalization, weakness, anxiety and other bad stuff I can’t remember.

      the reason he was on it in the first place is because he had hind leg weakness and had trouble walking. they prescribed it so that he would be able to hold his urine until we were able to use his strap to get him outside so he could urinate there. but it backfired because of the increased weakness meant that he was less able to use his hind legs like he had been previously, so we weren’t able to use the strap under his belly to get him out.

      we ended up having to have him put his sleep about a month later, even though he took him off to medication about 5 days after he started taking it, because he was unable to want with her sign likes even as well as he had been before he was put on the medication, although that wasn’t great.

      however, I will say that we had a cocker spaniel on some kind of estrogen medication over 20 years ago to help her stop leaking urine, and that worked very well without side effects, at least for our particular dog. I have absolutely no idea if that is the same drug as this one, or if it was something entirely different.

    3. PineNut*

      If it doesn’t work for you, if she’s spayed, an anecdote – our dog developed urinary incontinence in the evenings/overnight shortly after we adopted her (as an estimated 3yo), started on estradiol and stopped having accidents within a couple of days – doing great now 7 years later, only one accident in recent years and it was due to UTI.

    4. MissCoco*

      My childhood dog was on it for a few years before her death and it worked extremely well. She was having accidents when napping when we started her on it, and had none after.

    5. Not My Money*

      My 12 yo girl had been on Proin much of her life and it worked great. We switched to Incurin as it’s better for dogs with diabetes. Every once in awhile it seemed like we’d gotten a weak pill or two and she’d leak but it was rare

    6. Turtle Dove*

      Not a dog owner myself, but a friend mentioned that his dog has nighttime incontinence. He said a once-a-week dose of estrogen works great.

  9. Forget the Name I Used*

    I posted a bit ago and don’t know under what name (not my usual) about moving my MIL from her hometown to near us. I took her to a couple of doctor appointments last week. RANT NOW: WHY ON EARTH DOESN’T ANYONE HAVE EXAM TABLES THAT CAN RAISE AND LOWER? Imagine a short 90-year-old woman who can barely do ONE stair, who uses a cane or a walker, trying to step onto the step of the exam table (which has no grab bars to help her pull herself up), get the other foot up, turn herself around, and scoot herself back on the table. I don’t trust that docs or their assistants are trained in the correct ways to assist with mobility. This was an eye-opener to me and will warrant a letter to the board of the health system that operates this clinic. I’m actually looking for an article I found online and failed to bookmark about one woman’s experience with this and how she’d received several injuries from improper assistance.

        1. Generic Name*

          Dumb question, but are you sure they don’t raise and lower? I ask because my son discovered while waiting for the doctor one time that the exam table had all sorts of controls, and in addition to one part reclining up and down, I swear he got the whole thing to raise and lower. Could you ask that the table be lowered to its lowest setting so she can get situated??

            1. Generic Name*

              Ugh. Annoying. Sorry you’re dealing with this! You’d think doctors would think about accessibility!

    2. Knighthope*

      I’ve noticed that if I’m asked to roll from front/back or back/front on the narrow table, some medical personnel will stand close to the table as a “spotter” and others don’t.

      1. Lala*

        I have yet to visit a medical office where they do, and I’ve gone with my grandmother and mother. also hospital beds don’t lower enough. or cat scan or mri tables. i either use a stool when I get on the or table or I just scramble up if nobody has thought of one (I can’t decide if this amuses or appalls the medical staff, but I just find it easier to get it over with.)

        the medical world isn’t designed for short or fat or disabled people, but neither is any of the world (I am sure I am not aware of how badly designed, but even wheeling my grandmother and mother around supposedly accessible places, including medical facilities, made me more aware of how they aren’t.).

        1. Pam Adams*

          I will, if needed, stay seated in the ‘guest’ chair and make the doctors examine me there.

          1. Forget the Name I Used*

            The same article I can’t find notes that patients do not get as thorough of an exam if they remain seated. And…in one of these cases it was a pelvic exam, so needed to lie down.

    4. Blue Cactus*

      At my hospital we’re in the process of replacing our exam tables with ones that can raise and lower. My understanding is that they’re very expensive so to replace everything in all the clinics is going to be a multi-year process and they’re prioritizing the clinics where patients are more likely to have mobility issues (neurology, geriatrics, etc)

      When I examine people with mobility issues I do my best to do everything in the chair unless there’s something I need to look at or an exam maneuver I need to do that will be impossible seated. I think it’s very reasonable to ask for that.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        That’s probably the answer–medical equipment of any kind is astoundingly expensive and “furniture” like exam tables even more so. It’s a major investment for small, private practices.

    5. Jules the First*

      I’m in the UK and literally everyone here from the range of GPs to my physiotherapist has adjustable height exam tables. So they do exist!

    6. Anondoc*

      it always helps to ask when you make the appointment. I am a physician and we have a table that lowers to chair height and that can be raised. We use it for elderly patients, those with mobility issues, and for procedures. It truly is an equity issue. If you decide to write a letter I would mention that. You could also mention the ADA. Seems to be a reasonable accommodation. If the doorways are widened but the patient can’t get up on a table then they are kinda missing the point.

      1. Forget the Name I Used*

        Thank you. I didn’t realize it was an issue until now (never went with her to see the doctor until she moved here), so I will call ahead.

    7. Indolent Libertine*

      My late MIL was very short, increasingly so as she aged and lost height, and weak and wobbly. It usually took at least 2 people to get her onto and off of one of those tables using the slide-out step, and when I was one of the helpers I always worried that I’d either lose my grip and she’d fall, or that I’d wrench something by grabbing the wrong place the wrong way, or that I’d hurt myself in the process. I get the appeal of the storage drawers, but OMG let’s join the 20th century and take dangerous obstacles like that out of medical offices!

    8. RedinSC*

      OMG! I just saw this with my dad at his doctor’s office. who specializes in geriatric care!!!

      I was sooooo concerned he was going to fall while getting on the table.

      I like the idea of writing in. I’ll do that.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      My most recent experiences have been they often do have tables that raise and lower, but often the lowest still requires going up a step the slides out. That said, unless the exam I’m there for specifically requires me to lie down, they don’t have me get on the table at all. Just sit in a regular chair.

  10. Solar-powered generator*

    A friend told me that she was thinking of buying a solar-powered generator for her house. She said it uses a big battery stack that would keep working for 2 or 3 days, and then you could spread out a big solar blanket to recharge it. I had never heard of this and I am now very interested to learn about it.

    It would be such a relief to have a generator for power outages that last a few days, but I don’t have one because I don’t want to deal with a big propane tank, and my street doesn’t have a natural gas line. Fortunately my house is wired to connect with a generator.

    I googled “solar powered generators” and I see that they come in a wide variety of sizes and prices. I would need a model that can provide enough power for my basic needs (heat in the winter, hot water, lights, stove, fridge, wifi, etc). What do I need to know to make such an expensive purchase and hopefully not get ripped off? What kind of professional or skilled trade would I look for who could select the best product for my situation and install and service it? I hope some AAM readers know something about this!

    1. Double A*

      It sounds like what you’re talking about is a backup battery for a solar system. We have solar panels and we have a backup battery (Tesla). You can set what percentage you want to keep in reserve for back up power, and mine actually monitors for things like wildfire threats and will charge itself up and keep everything in reserve for outages. Normally, solar runs my house, then if there is excess coming in it charges the battery, and then when the sun goes down it pulls from battery til it gets to my designated back up amount, then we pull from the grid. In summer months we’re 100% self-powered, in winter it’s more like 30%.

      We have two Tesla powerwalls and a full charge on both of them would last maybe a day of fully-powering our house. This isn’t something where you could comfortably keep your whole house warm; in a prolonged power outage, you’d need to be judicious with power usage.

      Any reputable solar company will be able to advise you on this. It wasn’t cheap, though.

      If it’s something that’s more like an actual generator, like you only charge and use it when you need back up energy, that’s not something I’m familiar with. Maybe there’s something like this that’s cheaper than full solar with battery back up but I’d think its ability to power your house would be kind of limited? That’s the main thing I’d look into — what kind of lasting power does it truly have.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I have seen ads for an actual solar “generator” – I guess it’s more of a huge battery but the idea is it can power household items for a few days. The one I saw had some kind of goofy patriotic name. Seems like a smart idea if it works though.

    2. ronda*

      I got a LuminAID Emergency Solar Lantern , it seems like it takes a long time to charge from a very small solar panel. (this is a personal lantern meant to provide light and charge a phone)

      more/ bigger solar panel and bigger batteries will increase amount of energy you can get, but it is dependent on getting sunlight too.

      Seems like it would be helpful, but might not run a whole house well.

      1. HoundMom*

        We have one that plugs in and can support a few things refrigerator, devices and a couple of lights. It has solar panels that adds to the battery so it does not run down.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      So the “solar generators” are usually not enough to power your whole house. They may be enough to power just a full size fridge for 8 hours. Or a whole bunch of other stuff for a few days. But not all of the above for a few days. They’re also not the sort of thing you install or need to service. You buy it and whatever panels you want to keep it going. Or you can charge it from grid power while you have it, and then only use the panels to keep it charged/recharge it during the extended outage. Some folks use them for camping or RVing. Look at Jackery or Bluetti.
      If the thing your friend was describing definitely is something that gets installed, then that assumes you have solar panels on your roof, and this would be a battery backup system for it. If you don’t already have solar, you’d be looking for getting that as part of your system. But either way you’re shopping for a reliable and quality solar contractor in this case, not for a specific product.

  11. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What are you hoping to get done this weekend?

    I need to send a specific email. It’s going to take me all of two minutes. I’m dreading it.

    2. I take tea*

      I feel you. I have an email as well. It will take a little more than two minutes, but still. It’s asking a half aquintance for a favour, and it feels so imposing.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Does it help if you think to yourself “I’m giving them the opportunity to demonstrate a spirit of generosity and to feel good as a result”?

        I’ve long been reluctant to ask favors of others too. At some point I read someone saying that they take great pleasure in helping other people. I realized I do too; I like being the kind of person others will come to for help. Now I try to think of fulfilling my request as something they might actually enjoy doing so it isn’t 100% for me–there may be something in it for them too. And I always make it a soft ask with easy exit if they really don’t want to.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      I finally put the new stickers on my license plate today. Honestly, I still wouldn’t have done it, except that I had to drive out of state today and I don’t want a ticket.

      I don’t know why I procrastinate even for things that I am looking forward to. I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a year and I still didn’t start packing until late last night. I knew it meant that I wouldn’t get enough sleep, but I do it anyway.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      I have two job interviews next week, both of which require me to prepare presentations, so I really need to start on those.

      I also have to send two emails (not related) and clean my flat, although I am about to get up and do as much of the latter as I can before I have to go out later this morning.

    7. RussianInTexas*

      Clean up the upstairs bathroom and make it useful again. Haven’t used it in years, but need to. I am not looking forward to it.

    8. WellRed*

      Clearing out the rest of my container garden and putting away for the winter. I’d live to drag my brother’s drones out of my basement where they’ve been since he passed four years ago but that may be too ambitious. I welcome extra encouragement (or ideas) on that.

      1. acmx*

        Move the drones up from the basement! Start now before it’s too cold? (IDK if that’s actual possibility, I’ve never had a basement)
        You don’t have to move them all at once.

      3. Bike Walk Barb*

        Do you really have to clear out the container garden or can you leave the plants as homes/shelter for insects over the winter and deal with it next spring?

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Still finishing organizing my garage. All the shelves are up, bins are organized and labeled, and it has been swept. But, after putting the shelves up I decided to remove all of the pegboard that holds tools, garden tools, etc., and put in a track system. I mentally configured it and ordered all the parts last Sunday, so now I have to actually put it all up. Should be interesting to see if it works out in reality!

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I have 11 papers to grade over the next four days. It’s not really that many, but I always have trouble getting started!

      And I still have to do my procrastinated task from last week of getting my apt. bathroom in a condition where I feel like I can bathe there.

    12. Dainty Lady*

      Fill out my open enrollment changes, but I have to wait until my husband is available for consultation.

    13. Elle Woods*

      I need to go through my closet and cull shoes and clothes I don’t wear anymore. Also need to go through my purses and decide which ones to keep and which ones to donate.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Calling my mom. No special occasion or anything, but it’s always a major time investment because she loves to talk.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        This reminded me I’ve been meaning to call one of my older brothers to catch up.

        I put calls on my headset and get things done while I’m talking when it’s an extended call. It’s like having someone keep my company while I rotate the laundry or clean the kitchen or whatever.

    15. Annie Edison*

      I would just like to say that I am working on a small organization project I’ve been putting off for weeks because I thought it would take me hours, but it’s actually looking like I can finish the whole thing in under 30 minutes. It’s so funny what my brain decides to view as hard and time consuming!

      Also, I successfully went grocery shopping today after putting it off for as long as I possibly could (and then some) and am feeling so much more positive about the world now that I have food options readily available

    16. Geriatric Rocker*

      Finally got my hair cut. My hairdresser greeted me with, “Hello! Been a while…since (looks at calendar) February!”

      That explains why I looked like a sheepdog.

    17. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I have to send out minutes, the treasurer report, and a link to the meeting recording (we’re hybrid), and it won’t take that long, but…

    18. Bike Walk Barb*

      I have a whole list of those things in my head. Some weekends I create a “weekend possibilities” list. Specifically NOT a to-do list because then if I don’t do something I’ve set that up to be A Failure And A Bad Thing.

      Possibilities are more open-ended, and I always include some enjoyable things on the list (like “Read Ask a Manager”). With that in front of me I find I’m more apt to check off several items on a Saturday. Sometimes that energy extends into Sunday. If it doesn’t that’s fine; I figure I’ve earned a day of rest.

      This weekend’s procrastination item that I really will do involves swapping the contents of two kitchen drawers and planning for a couple of work trips I have coming up this month since I need to plan for cold hotel conference rooms plus whatever is happening outside in that city.

      Travel-related chore this is reminding me of: We’re heading toward winter coat season and my good coat has holes from the cat’s woolsucking habit. I have to decide if I’m going to do a ton of mending and hide holes with added decorative trim of some kind or give up and buy a coat. One hole is in a particularly weird spot near the armpit. I experimented with a patch that’s a pretty close match but it isn’t my “good coat” now, that’s for sure. I don’t want to turn this into a visible mending project so this means coat shopping, which I don’t love and which I now have just talked myself into.

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      I need to book an eye exam and do my health insurance open enrollment! Been on my list for three weeks. *eye roll*

    20. dapfloodle*

      Checking my non-work email, cutting the cat’s nails, doing a tiny amount of vacuuming (like a few feet squared), putting up laundry. I think the tiny amount of vacuuming will get done, but the other things are probably going to be put off.

  12. blogQuest*

    Suggestions for a blog that is good as background noise? Maybe cooking, home repair, animals (but nothing sad).

    1. BellaStella*

      Youtube has a few I like
      -How to live in Umbria (house and life incl fixing up house building stuff)
      -Italy 4K – Scenic Relaxation Film With Calming Music
      -Fall ambience forest sounds
      -Autumn cozy on youtube

    2. Outside Earthling*

      The Last Homely House. Quilting, crafting, cooking, animals and the nicest woman with the most relaxing voice.

      1. ThatOtherClare*

        In a similar vein, I very much enjoy the sewing videos by Rosery Apparel as background company. Janelle has such a warm and friendly voice, and she somehow sounds happy even when she’s pointing out a mistake she’s just made!

    3. Grey Coder*

      Baumgartner Restoration on youtube! Soothing voice and you learn a lot about art conservation.

    4. HannahS*

      All of these channels put out videos that are about 30 minutes in length

      Cooking:
      Tasting History with Max Miller
      America’s Test Kitchen
      Sorted Food

      Arts and Crafts:
      Baumgartner Restoration
      Bernadette Banner (historical sewing)
      Caroline Winkler (home decor, vlogging; choose home decor videos as her vlogs can be heavier at times)

      Other:
      Nile Red/Nile Blue (chemistry experiments)
      Steve Mould (physics)
      Rob Words (linguistics)

    5. LBD*

      The Ulengovs on youtube.
      They are Russian videographers who travel to remote villages and film people preparing their traditional dishes, often on wood fired ovens. There is no English narration, and conversation is just the sort of casual talk between people who are mostly focused on preparing the food rather than catching up. The first one that I saw resulted in the most beautiful loaf of bread from a wood fired oven. They also show some of the growing and harvesting of food, and the tending of livestock. Very serene and gentle, and surprisingly easy to follow the narrative without knowing the language.

    6. Gamer Girl*

      49dragonflies: Austrian artist, speaking in English, and gently narrating what she is doing to create “junk journals.” Beautifully filmed, very calming and pleasant!

      I would qualify her work more as art books than junk journals, but they are made out of found and recycled materials and also printed papers. She is so lovely and caring with her materials, and her quiet excitement over what she is working on is very motivating for me as background! I have actually started making tags and gift wrap using her ideas and methods, getting an early start on gift wrap in my spare time.

      I haven’t made a whole journal yet, but it’s giving me ideas to ponder about a half dozen beloved but extremely tattered children’s books from my mom’s childhood. I would like to keep them, but all have crumbling/much taped spines and pages are falling out. My goal is to slowly work my way up to using them (by making junk journals out of junk mail and envelopes, etc) to make beautiful journals out of the pretty pages to write memories of my mom, grandma, and I together to pass down to my children (who don’t have any attachment or want to read the books themselves).

      There’s no excessive sponsoring or marketing–she demonstrates how to use her pdf files sometimes or pdfs from fellow creators (purchasable for a small fee), but as it’s her own work, I find it to be a very fair type of advertising, as she never pushes, only mentions, particularly compared to all the absurd products that most channels seem to push if they have sponsors. She also often does challenges, where suppliers (who find old papers, stamps, and other paper ephemera and create interesting bundles to sell online) might send her a packet of found materials and challenge her to make 50 tags or a journal using only the paper materials from the box. These are my favorite, as it gives me lots of ideas for reusing junk papers at home with my kids for crafting :)

      tl;dr It’s a very inspiring, gentle channel :)

    7. RedinSC*

      I love If Books Could Kill. it’s a podcast. I can tune in for more attention or have it in in the background.

  13. I didn't say banana*

    I’m after suggestions for thank you gifts for nurses. My daughter has been in the NICU for 16 weeks and I’d like to leave something to thank a large number of staff. A few weeks into our stay, I bought myself some lip balm, hand cream and cuticle oil as it is so dry in the ward (plus the constant hand washing). I figured it might be nice if I also bought about 15 of each, which I put in a gift box with some chocolates and left for the staff. No one said anything (but I saw the items being used over the next few weeks) so I’m not sure if that was an overstep? Or I didn’t get enough for everyone? I see lots of parents bringing in chocolates so I tried to get something a bit different but I’d love to hear what others think?

    3. I didn't say banana*

      sorry, I may not have been clear. I already have that gift two months ago, but none of the nurses said thank you or anything (that’s not why I did it, but I didn’t know if they even got the gift until I saw some of them using the items). so I’m not sure if repeating that gift is a good idea, or if I should get something different (and if so, any suggestions)?

    4. Kiki Is The Most*

      According to friend who works in hospital, they suggested that any gift is a lovely token. Years ago I had an emergency on a business trip away from home and an ER team saved my life. When I returned home, I sent them a box of goodies from my state with a thank you. I have no idea if it was received well but it felt good to show my appreciation in some way.

    5. AnonRN*

      On a big unit, not all staff might have known which family brought the gift & so didn’t know who to thank. We do like gifts! At the same time, please don’t feel obligated–financially or mentally–to make this a taxing project right now. We also really like heartfelt cards and the occasional update on how the baby is doing after leaving the NICU (I don’t work in the NICU but I believe updates aren’t uncommon). If there is a particular staff member you want to recognize you can ask the unit manager if the hospital has a program of recognition.

      If you do want to bring stuff in, non-perishable, individually wrapped is ideal. Granola bars, candy, cracker snack-packs in a basket, or as you did chapstick/pens/tiny flashlights. Second would be fresh food that’s stable on a table since fridge space is often limited. Cookies from a bakery etc, enough that all shifts that day can have some but it’s understood that they’ll probably only be there for a day. (Night Shift here and I do like it when people bring us our own box of cookies!). The unit may not allow fresh fruit (it brings bugs) but if allowed, fresh whole fruit can be a nice change. But again please don’t feel you *have* to do this. You certainly didn’t overstep by doing it before, and it’s fine to do it again, but a nice card will stay in the breakroom long after all the treats have been consumed!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        When my dad was hospitalized a couple years ago, my sister bought a TON of cookies (she comfort shops) that he couldn’t eat, so we gave them to the nursing staff, who really appreciated them!

    6. Bethlam*

      With a daughter in the NICU, and then with a baby at home after she’s discharged, this might be too much labor, but I’ll throw it out there anyway:

      I also wanted to do a serious thank you for all of the wonderful care I got during my cancer journey. My sister and I love to bake and I found these great medical themed cookie cutters: scrub top, bandaid, syringe, pill bottle, etc. She and I baked over several weekends, I wrote thank you notes for each of the six places, and she and I delivered them last Monday.
      My last treatment was in April, but with my energy level not back to normal throughout the summer, I didn’t get it done until the end of September. However, I was able to include an update in my notes, everyone was thrilled with the cookie trays, impressed with the medical themed cookies, and so, so appreciative of the thank you notes.

      All this to say that, while the cookies were a huge hit, the thank you letters made people cry. (I write a good thank you note.) And they’ll be posted on bulletin boards long after the cookies are gone.

    7. FACS*

      Please do keep saying thank you! Often we don’t know who brought a gift but is always appreciated. When I do it I bring something for each shift because the “good stuff” tends to go to the day shift and the evening and night nurses don’t get much. Health care can be rough so knowing someone appreciated your work really matters
      Hope all is well with your little one!

    8. Anonymous cat*

      There was a thread on this very topic a few months ago and of course I didn’t bookmark it.

      (Hlaroo, are you online today and can you work your google magic to find it?)

      I think I asked about things like teas because I thought the nurses might get tired of sweets and want something healthier. The nurses who answered said that teas were nice and they appreciated anything.

  14. MissB*

    One of my kids is adopting a kitten from a rescue group this weekend. I’m thinking of sending a package to him with some kitty stuff. Suggestions? It’s been forever since I’ve had a kitten.

    1. I didn't say banana*

      Maybe some pet blankets? You can never have too many, and the kitten may be picky about other things like toys and treats.

      1. not my usual self*

        What are pet blankets? I’ve had (a series of) indoor cats for over 20 years and was also a dog owner for over a decade within that time, but I’ve never heard of or seen one. I think my mom had one of her dogs sleep on an old blanket that I had taken to camp as a child, but that’s the closest thing I can think of and it started out as a blanket for people. Our animals do have beds though, don’t worry!

    2. Seal*

      A scratching post or cardboard scratching pads. The earlier a kitten learns to use something other than the furniture to sharpen their claws the better!

    3. Jackalope*

      All of my kittens have loved wand toys a TON, so that would be my first recommendation. They’ve also generally liked cat balls, the little ones you can get at the pet store that are about the side of a ping pong ball. If you want to go with something a bit pricier, cat trees or cat hammocks (look on PetSmart for the kind of hammock that has two posts and a little hammock slung between them) are generally a hit, but as I mentioned that can be more expensive. You could also get a variety of wet kitten food; sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what the kitten likes, and getting one can each of different brands, flavors, and styles (pate vs. gravy vs. other), that might help your kid figure out what the kitten likes. But my top rec for the most bang for your buck is a wand toy.

      2. Turtle Dove*

        Seconding wand toys. GoCat Da Bird is our cats’ favorite and the one I give as a gift.

    4. ThatOtherClare*

      No matter what you send, the bigger the box you can put it all in, the better. Cardboard box hidey-houses are maximum kitten fun!

    5. Blue Cactus*

      My kitty LOVES a treat-ball toy – I can adjust the opening size so it changes the difficulty. She really enjoys batting it around and it makes her eat her dry food slowly (it will otherwise be vacuumed up at the speed of sound).

    6. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Agreed with wand toys, small scrunchy balls, and a box. Kittens often want to play at random times so toys for each room is ideal!

    7. carcinization*

      I got a kitten a few months ago and he loves crinkle balls the best (the shiny foil-y type). They’re cheap and light. But I also agree with the suggestion of wand toys!

    8. Strive to Excel*

      Does he have the pet-owner basics? A good litterbox, water & food bowls (ceramic or stainless steel), poop bags (I know they’re for dogs, but they’re a great size for a daily litterbox clean), a cardboard scratchy, and a toy. I might also add a bottle of Nature’s Miracle, if that’s something in stock around you – it’s an enzymatic cleaner that’s very good on cat mess. Kittens are imperfect! If he/you knows what kind of food the shelter uses, some cans/bags of that.

  15. Square*

    My grandma is in the early stages of dementia. She needs reminders to eat and to be told which clothes are weather appropriate. Our whole family is in this weird semi grieving mode because she’s still with us but not fully here. She was fine a few months ago but has decline fairly rapidly.

    I would appreciate any general advice about how we can deal with this emotionally.

    1. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I haven’t gone through this myself, but a close friend of mine is a film maker and made a really moving documentary about her experience caring for her mother who had dementia. It’s called Wisdom Gone Wild, and I believe it’s still available via the PBS streaming service.

      I’ve also heard of hospitals hosting support groups for caretakers, so it may be worthwhile to ask your local medical provider if anything like that exists where you are.

      1. Sparkle Llama*

        The county I live in has a social worker dedicated to supporting family caregivers that includes respite services and support groups so that could be a place to look as well. If you have a local senior center they can probably point you in the right direction if you are interested in that.

    2. I didn't say banana*

      I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. It might be helpful to know that, in the early stages of dementia, the person can become quite irritable and paranoid – their memory is patchy so they move one of their belongings but don’t remember where they put it, so they think someone stole it. Or they suddenly have new rules to follow like having to eat when their family tells them to, which can be frustrating when they’re lucid. This can be difficult to manage. But once that phase passes, they typically live in their happy, earlier memories (e.g confusing their great grandchild for their own infant child, thinking that their husband is alive and just in the next room etc) and things get both sadder and easier for the family that loves them. Your grandma will still be in there until the end, even if she doesn’t recognise you. Wishing you strength.

      1. Kale*

        Something I wish someone would have told me is that as someone with dementia begins to live in an earlier stage of their life, it can bring up unhappy memories that they might not have talked much about before. My husband’s grandma would react fearfully and aggressively if she thought she was in situations from her teen years when her brothers came home drunk.
        Just in case you haven’t thought of it yet—make sure any guns/weapons are stored safely and unloaded.
        Emotionally, I second finding humor where you can. Be patient with yourself and other family caregivers (it’s surprising how hard it can be not to tell someone to “remember” when they clearly can’t). Also, within a family, people can be in really different places around grief and denial.
        Make sure paperwork is in order and maybe see an elder attorney. The last thing anyone wants to do if things get worse suddenly is figure out legal/bureaucratic stuff.

    3. Annie Edison*

      I’m so sorry. I lost my mom to Alzheimers a few years ago and it was one of the hardest times of my life.

      Three things:
      – find moments of humor wherever you can. I still giggle over the day I took my mom out for coffee on a cold fall day. She was at the same stage as your grandma, where she was functional but needed reminders about daily life things. We got inside the coffee shop, she started to take her jacket off, and then got a funny look on her face and zipped it back up again very quickly, as she whispered (very loudly) “I can’t take my coat off because I forgot to put on a shirt!” There’s so much pain in watching a loved one fade away, but if you can find ways to laugh, it does help

      – take time to appreciate the small moments. Touch her hand, and be aware of the feel of her skin. Really listen to the sound of her voice. Be mindful of the moments you share with her so you can savor them later and remember. Keep a journal, either written or via voice memos if that’s more your style, of little memories as they come up

      – Find a support group. The Alzheimers Association was invaluable and it was so nice to be around other people who get it

      Sending care to you and your family!

      1. Annie Edison*

        Oh and I know you’re asking mostly for emotional coping advice but just in case- Teepa Snow’s videos on YouTube are an amazing resource for caregiving and support strategies. Highly recommend checking her out

        1. A313*

          I went to a presentation by Teepa Snow and was very impressed. There are so many facets to know and understand and her coping methods are very helpful. I am sorry you are going through this; it’s hard, I know.

    5. Jackalope*

      My biggest recommendation if you’re in the US is to look up your local Aging and Disability Resources; all states have them and often by region and/or county. I went to a class held by the one in my area for family members of people with dementia and it was so helpful. We met for 2-3 sessions and the teacher taught us a lot about what to expect and options in our area. Just being prepared made everything so much easier for me and made it feel less daunting.

      I will add that if your grandma is just starting to have a serious decline, now is the time to start figuring out next steps. The woman who taught our class strongly encouraged us to look at options like in-home care and a cleaning service. I don’t know if your grandmother is living alone, but if she is this is the best way to help her do that for longer. Even if it’s just someone coming in for a few hours a week it came make a huge difference. I know you weren’t asking about practical steps, but having this in my back pocket helped me out a ton emotionally because I had a thing I could DO (research caregivers, etc.) and it made it much easier for me.

    6. Forget the Name I Used*

      Definitely support group. It will not only help with dealing with the emotions, but also give you great ideas and tips on dealing with issues that may come up.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      In case you have trouble finding a support group, for dealing with the emotions sparked by a loved one’s upsetting medical situation that I couldn’t control, I had some luck with the 12-step programs about relationships, CoDependents Anonymous and Al-Anon. Even though Al-Anon is designed for family members and friends of alcoholics, it really helped me deal with my dad’s situation when he had a series of cascading medical catastrophes.

      I think grieving even though the person is still here is a totally normal reaction. I’m so sorry that your grandma and all of you who love her are going through this. Please take as good care of yourself as you possibly can.

    8. David Rose*

      I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I went through something similar with my late grandma. I saw it was really hard on my mom, but I’m really impressed with how she (my mom) handled it. It sounds obvious, but you really need to be able to wrap your head around the fact that she’s going to change a lot and adapt to those changes. Meet her where she is. Make connections where you can – try singing old songs she used to know, or sharing memories with her as stories without prompting her to remember along with you (she might, or she might not).

      This is more late stage advice but, you may find you need it eventually – if eventually she can’t hold a conversation anymore or remember you clearly, you won’t get anywhere by trying to hold a conversation with her like you would with anyone else, or by attempting to get her to remember you. Instead, again, meet her where she is – tell her about your day, ask about hers and nod along to her response even if it doesn’t make sense or isn’t in any language.

      Towards the end, when I’d visit she had no idea who the heck I was, but she knew she felt loved and cared for. That was what she needed, and that brings me peace when I think about her now.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        So much THIS around meeting her where she is. I described some of our strategies in my reply below. One of the best visits I had turned out to be the last time I saw her. I had my older daughter with me. We look enough alike that she likely reminded Mom of me as a young woman and that seemed to spark a lot of energy. We hugged and talked to her and it was really great.

    9. Cartooooons*

      If you don’t mind some raunchy humor, season 1 of Human Resources on Netflix has a plotline that follows a family in the same situation. You follow the inner lives of the various family members, including the grandmother, dealing with grief and letting go in different ways. It’s like 33% therapy appointment, 33% Abbott Elementary/ The Office, 33% Big Mouth; with a bittersweet but happy ending.

    11. Girasol*

      Think about what time of day to visit. When Dad began experiencing dementia I would go to visit. We’d sit for a couple hours over breakfast when he’d tell me all about his childhood, experiences I’d never heard about. His memory was so clear then. I understand that’s often the case, that dementia patients are clear in the morning and then they “sundown.” Later in the day he’d be saying things like, “Your mother and I divorced. It’s just a good thing we never had any kids.” I learned that dementia let him remake his memories to erase his regrets. That gave me great insight into his character and how he was changing. It was often hard to hear but I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t want to have missed that.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        That’s such a great point. For me, the only genuine long, open conversation I ever had with my grandfather was the last time I saw him, when he already had Alzheimers, but he remembered the things that were important to him from his youth pretty well — his forced service on the wrong side of WWI, his refusal to shoot anyone, and his eventual escape home; his subsequent nervous breakdown (shell shock, I guess they would have called it) and his missed dream of going to medical school; his meet-cute with my grandmother.

        I know my buttoned-up grandfather loved me, but we weren’t close and had never connected on that honest level before. I wish he and my grandmother hadn’t had to go through his Alzheimer’s, but I was so grateful to hear his story in a way that the Alzheimer’s paradoxically made possible. It must be very different with a grandparent with whom you’re close, though.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Get all the professional help and advice you can, and line up care services early. I like Anne Lamott’s take on dealing with her mother’s dementia: her brother said to a nurse that they had no idea how to deal with things, and the nurse just gently asked, “how could you know?”

      It’s not like most people have a ton of practice at this. Reach out and don’t be embarrassed for doing so. Nobody’s doing anything wrong in needing hands to get through this.

    13. Ontariariario*

      I loved listening to a Podcast called Let’s Not Be Kidding by Gavin Crawford, about his experience with his mother. He chats with friends and family, and makes it relatable. Parts are funny, parts are sad, and it helps to not feel alone. I listened to it at a time when I wasn’t dealing with any family with dementia yet still enjoyed it. I’ll put the link in reply.

    14. Shiny Penny*

      When I was going through, I bought a lot of books (that’s my personal coping reflex lol). But it turned out, all I really needed was one: Creating Moments Of Joy by Jolene Brackey.
      I can’t describe how helpful this book is. The focus on love and joy and emotional care (for the patient and the caregivers, too) is just exactly what I needed, and it’s a really easy fast read.
      I always keep a couple extra copies on hand to give to friends when they suddenly have to cope with a loved one developing dementia. It’s easy to find used online, like on Thriftbooks. I hope you might find it helpful.
      Sending good thoughts.

    15. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m so sorry this is happening for your grandma and your family.

      My mom had vascular dementia and declined over years, not months. Sharing some of what we did and how I coped–

      My older sister was very into scrapbooking at the time and made a really gorgeous scrapbook with pictures of her as a child, her young and beautiful wedding photo with my handsome dad, photos from some of their travels, and a page spread for each of their six children. Being a mom was really important to her and she found it fulfilling. If she’d had a major hobby that would have been a topic too.

      The scrapbook became something we could look at with her on visits even after she wasn’t really able to talk. She smiled and enjoyed it every time. To point out the obvious and painful, after a while it was genuinely new to her every time. This was a good thing, not a bad thing, because it’s difficult to come up with things to do during a visit with someone who can’t converse and yet you want to keep visiting.

      Putting something like this or a photo album together can be a family project that reminds you of the woman she has been for most of her life. It becomes something you share with her on visits. And someday you’ll be very glad you have it as something people can look at during a celebration of her life.

      Another thing we did: We all wrote specific memories on index cards. These went into a recipe box (my mom was a great cook). The idea while she could still read was that she might pull one out and read it for herself. After a while these became things we would pull out and read to her when we visited. We’re a big family and I learned things about my siblings I hadn’t known from sharing some of their memories.

      Both of these are ways of spending time with who she has been and keeping that woman alive in your minds. It can be easy to lose some of that as you deal with the realities of diminishing capacity.

      A couple of other tips from our time with my mom:

      At one point she became pretty resistant to “being told what to do”. One of my stepdaughters was helping out as a caregiver in their assisted living (paid by me), just spending time and being able to provide reminders, making sure Dad didn’t mix her a cocktail she wasn’t supposed to have with her medications, that kind of thing. Mom wasn’t bathing regularly, which Dad didn’t say anything about so I was glad we had a helper there who could ask me what to do about it. Mom would have been horrified to know she smelled bad.

      I suggested she use the line, “You wanted me to remind you to take a shower today”. Mom wouldn’t remember that she’d issued no such reminder and it made the instruction something she was giving herself. Worked beautifully on that and other things we needed her to do. (I’ll add that this tactic worked at a specific point, when she had lost enough memory that she knew she was forgetting things and could believe the statement. If your grandma is still cognizant enough to snap at you, “I said no such thing!” and be accurate about that, this isn’t going to work and I’d hold onto it for later.)

      My younger daughter, who was in theater, came up with the idea of watching Mom’s nonverbal communication and tone of voice really closely and responding to that once her speech no longer made sense. That worked beautifully too. If she sounded happy, we made our voices very upbeat, smiled, and agreed with whatever she had “said”. If she sounded sad or worried we commiserated and said everything would be okay in the end (which fit her general life philosophy).

      A final tip came from a friend who went through dementia care twice, once for her mom and once for her husband’s mom, with them on the front lines. She advised me to think of myself as an anthropologist going to visit a culture I’m unfamiliar with. My job was only to observe, not to try to change anything or impose my beliefs or culture on the other person.

      This helped me at times when I really just wanted my mom back and she was fundamentally going, going, gone. No amount of teaching or coaching or reminding would change that. Another family member would get frustrated at Mom for messing up something that they had imposed their own order on. That was unnecessary emotional energy and unfair to Mom; she wasn’t going to remember some system by then whether it was her own or someone else’s.

      The early phases were harder because she was still mostly there and knew what was happening. She’d get angry. I still remember visiting her one day when she was trying to remember something she wanted to tell me. I expected anger when she couldn’t produce the words. Instead she shrugged, smiled, and said something like “Oh, well, I forget things!”. She had reached acceptance. You and your family members may go through a similar arc, from wanting her to be herself, being annoyed when she isn’t, wishing it could be different, and eventually accepting that this is the way things are.

      Knowing she was declining, I also paid a lot of attention to her when I visited. By this mean I didn’t take the time for granted, I didn’t look at my phone or try to hurry through social motions. I was *there* when I was there. I also hugged her a lot. She was in assisted living and after my dad died I don’t imagine she had anyone who gave her simple, affectionate, loving touch. She would relax into a hug and give herself totally to it in a way that was so moving. She needed that.

      This final part may sound strange, maybe a little heartless, maybe comforting. The woman who was my mom packed up and moved away a bit at a time. By the time she died the real woman was long gone. Her memorial service was beautiful and meaningful and I definitely cried. But my sorrow didn’t feel like the sharp pain I imagine I would have felt without that slow loss during the long descent. I’d had time to adapt and get used to not having my mom around.

      Truly wishing you and your family all the best, and the chance to remind yourself of good memories you’ll cherish for a long time.

      1. LuisainDallas*

        These suggestions are so helpful. I know they would have helped me when I mom was failing and I had so much trouble communicating with her. Now, my siblings, my partner, and I are the older generation, so I’m making note of your ideas just in case. Thanks so much.

      2. LuisainDallas*

        These suggestions are so helpful. I know they would have helped me when my mom was failing, and I had so much trouble communicating with her. Now, my siblings, my partner, and I are the older generation, so I’m making note of your ideas just in case. Thanks so much.

      3. Shiny Penny*

        Bike Walk Barb, your post was a thing of beauty.
        You captured a lot of really helpful tips, out of the 80,000 that most caregivers are left with after the fact. I never know exactly how to pull out individual thoughts from the swirling multitudes, beyond “Ooooooo, well…. it’s truly awful, and also a very long act of love, and also very very hard….” Sigh.
        Just wanted to say how much your post touched my heart.

    16. Shiny Penny*

      One of the hard emotional things, in my experience, was that family members were often at a loss about how to connect with my grandmother when they visited her. It was awkward for her, too, because she usually wasn’t sure who these people were, and she wanted to “be a good hostess” but had lost the skills required. If I was there, I could smooth everything out, but if I wasn’t there I knew it was awkward.
      So I made a three ring binder of xeroxed photographs, each enlarged to fill a full sized page protector. I wrote names and other details in big print in Sharpie on each page. I had found the high school graduation portraits of her siblings, and of a lot of kids from her childhood, and of course each of her grandkids, and her wedding portrait— etc etc etc. Whatever I could easily lay hands on at the time.
      As anyone who is familiar with nursing home life can testify, things go missing all the time, so it’s a bad idea to have anything valuable there. Blankets will get washed and then end up in someone else’s room, stuffed animals will vanish, papers will get accidentally discarded (or get spilled on).
      It would be extremely risky to have any original photographs there. So the three ring binder of xeroxes was perfect: easy to make, easy to wipe clean, easy to read the captions, and easy to replace if it got lost.
      The photos offered a lot of cues to visitors, about how to have cheerful and personalized conversations with my grandmother even if I was not there. Even new nurses and CNA’s could bond with her over the photos of her life— and everyone could read the captions out loud, so it was ok if she couldn’t quite explain who all the people in the pictures were. I think this helped maintain her social connections, and helped her feel more comfortable socially as her brain functions declined.
      It definitely helped me feel like I was setting her up for more happy moments, even if I couldn’t actually rescue her from the bigger problem.

      Which is basically my answer to the question of how to cope emotionally with this very hard situation. I just had to focus on the small wins: one more happy moment, and then another.
      I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. It is really hard, so remember to care fore yourself, too.

  16. Might Be Spam*

    Why do people commit to doing something, but don’t plan to do it well or even try to do it well?

    My dance group is performing this weekend and we are short on people because of Covid. This meant that the group leader wouldn’t tell people they can’t perform if they don’t practice.

    We have a married couple that seldom show up for practice. They NEED to practice. They skipped the dress rehearsal last week and the final practice this evening. They planned to arrive 5 hours AFTER we were supposed to practice and still aren’t here. Other members of our group have spoken to them, but they just ignore it.

    I’m afraid that they will ruin the performances this weekend and it will go viral on TikTok. I will have to partner one of them and I’m not physically strong enough to steer someone who thinks he knows what he his doing and is bigger than me.

    Why do people do this? Don’t they ever get embarrassed?

    1. Annie*

      The “why” is a simple as a just for fun vs. pleasurable skill advancement mindset.

      If it’s just for fun, it doesn’t matter if you show up for sessions only when you feel like it, and there’s no embarrassment so long as it remains fun for the participants. If it’s hobby skill building, part of the joy is getting better at it, and that’s when the practice sessions matter and you care about how your performance looks to others.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      This sounds like it’s a hobby? Like the kind of thing people are only doing for fun anyway? That might explain the lack of practice. If it’s stopped being fun for you, would you consider opting out? Or telling the leader the married couple will have to partner each other because dancing with one of them is not much fun for you. If they have power because of low numbers, so do you.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        I understand doing it for fun. We have a lot of people who only come to practice, and never perform. But why do people want to only perform, and seldom come to practice?

        1. WellRed*

          I think you just answered your own question. Who wants the drudgery of practice when you can get all the glory without doing the work.

    3. WellRed*

      Why are you still there five hours later? At any rate, let them embarrass themselves. But do speak up if it creates challenges for you, personally.

    4. RagingADHD*

      They have an entirely different concept of “doing it well” than you do. And if the leader is more interested in having participants than in setting requirements, then it sounds like this couple is actually more closely aligned with the leader’s intentions than you are.

      If you don’t want to partner the guy, you don’t have to.

    5. Myrin*

      Oooh, as someone whose sister could’ve written this only with “choir” instead of “dance group”, I can answer all of your questions because her choir had that exact discussion a few months back!

      Annie above has hit the nail on the head with regards to “why” – they’re just there to have fun and enjoy themselves, not to actually become better at the activity (or, well, “good” at the activity, really).

      The activity performed is also often just a backdrop in the sense that these people want to meet up (and in my sister’s choir’s case, gossip) and the hobby group is a convenient outlet for that, mostly because with that, they don’t have to put any effort into organising a get-together because it’s happening anyway.

      Additionally, they don’t make a distinction between a solitary hobby and one dealing with a whole group. It’s one thing to flail around if you’re all solo dancers, it’s quite another if everyone else’s performance is affected by your flailing, but these people don’t see a difference (whether intentionally or not).

      And, of course, if there’s a performance/stage aspect – as there is with both your dance group and my sister’s choir -, well, they also generally enjoy being in the limelight. And in a choir’s case, it’s often pretty difficult to tell as an audience member whether someone is not hitting their notes or maybe even not singing at all, so it’s not even like there’s going to be an embarrassment factor (although there’ve been performances where even I, mostly tone-deaf, could tell that a lot of the singers went completely wrong several times); I assume it’s a bit different with a dance performance because especially with a smaller group, mistakes are going to be visible, but I don’t know if that’s enough to deter someone who simply doesn’t want to come to practice but still enjoy the stage.

      Is there no way at all for you to not be partnered with this guy? And also, how likely is it that this will go viral on TikTok? Has that happened before? Are you guys well-known? I’m asking not to criticise you – I’m of the exact same mind as you regarding these attitudes – but I do wonder if you might be catastrophising a bit since it would never occur to me to think my sister’s choir’s dissonant quacking is going to go viral in some way, but that would be different if they were even mildly famous in the choir world.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Additionally, they don’t make a distinction between a solitary hobby and one dealing with a whole group. It’s one thing to flail around if you’re all solo dancers, it’s quite another if everyone else’s performance is affected by your flailing, but these people don’t see a difference (whether intentionally or not)

        This is what bugs me–it’s one thing to take up painting or solo dancing or whatever and just do it for your own enjoyment, damn the torpedoes. But when you’re in a group performance setting, refusing to commit to the level of practice needed to perform is really rude, time wasting, and is spoiling everybody else’s pleasure in the hobby.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m guessing they don’t take it all that seriously and therefore it’s not that they never get embarrassed but that they don’t see doing this badly as a cause for embarrassment.

    7. Unkempt Flatware*

      I think it is the same thing as kids who just want to have fun with their friends playing Sport. When they write in to advice columns, they ask, “why do people take fun things so seriously?” People take different things seriously. It’s not done At you.

    8. fhqwhgads*

      There are people who want to do things well, and people who want to do things, and they shall never understand each other.

  17. Goose*

    Shana Tovah! In this new year I’ve decided to get serious about dating with intention, which I think will include asking my all of the Jewish aunties in my life to start setting me up. Problem (?) is I’m not open about my asexuality (I’ve been openly queer for years, the ace part seems like tmi with acquaintances *emoji shrug*.) Is this something I need to do when sharing what I’m looking for, or wait until I get actual dates and bring it up then?

    1. allathian*

      I have no idea how the Jewish side of things works, but for the vast majority of people who are not ace, an ace partner would be a dealbreaker. What are you looking for in a partner?

      1. Goose*

        I mentioned the Jewish aunties because as a 30 something I have a hoard of Jewish women who would love to see me settle down (iykyk), and also I am looking for a Jewish partner.

        I’m open about being ace to dates (I’m clear about it on the apps) but sharing it on my list of non-negotiables seems awkward.

        1. Cordelia*

          it’s different on the apps though, isn’t it? Because potential partners will see that you’re ace and only contact you if that’s something they are ok with in a partner. I’m not sure matchmaking is going to work for you really, unless you have Jewish aunties who somehow know a lot of ace people who have been open with them about this. Otherwise you are just going to get matched up with a lot of unsuitable people. As allathian says, being ace is likely to be a dealbreaker for most people looking for a relationship.

          1. Phoebe Nix*

            I think that phrasing isn’t particularly kind, but more importantly I don’t know enough about your flavor of ace to know what kind of partner you are looking for, OP. Are you looking for a platonic lifepartner? Or can you imagine having a lower frequency sex life but still want children and see them being made the old fashioned way? There are plenty of people who identify as ace but are still down for sex regularly, in which case the aunties may be helpful. But you can express what you want without using the label, because other people are pretty ignorant about it and their responses are unlikely to be helpful. “I need to take things really slow physically and want to find someone who won’t pressure me for more than I’m ready to share” is one way to express what you could want to normies, but that depends on what you are envisioning for the future. “I want to be married, but I don’t want to ever have sex” could be another (and in that case, I doubt think aunties are helpful). Before the pandemic I used to run a meetup for ace people that was much better than online dating. If you ever want to talk offline LMK.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It occurs to me – your “aunties” who know you personally might not be a great resource here, if they might be inclined to get all up in your business about it, but if your Jewish community has an actual, official/professional matchmaker, that might be an option to consider? (I am not Jewish myself, so I have no idea how common that is, but my understanding that at least some areas with large and/or particularly observant Jewish populations still go that route.) They may not ‘get it’ any more than the aunties do, but they might be a little more professional about it, if that’s their formal role. (Or maybe I’m being overly optimistic, heh.)

    2. Ellis Bell*

      That sounds like something you need to pre screen for, along with other biggies like if you want kids, or literally anything that’s such a huge deal breaker that there’s no point meeting. I would guess the Jewish aunties would be great at finding someone who shared your faith or culture, but maybe not so good at finding an ace or open-to-ace partner. Unless they’re hugely skilled at finding out what people’s deal is! I’d probably stick to apps?

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am ace/aro and married (to a guy who is neither) and that is just as unusual as you might expect. I don’t think that this approach is going to work well for you, unless you want to tell all the aunties you’re looking for a largely celibate relationship and then you run a high risk of them trying to “fix” you, a la “you just need to find the right person.” (Which, I dunno, you are sort of looking for a right person, just not the same way I assume people you refer to as “Jewish aunties” would mean it.) Most non-ace folks are dating with an assumption that a developing relationship will eventually involve sex, because that’s the norm. But (in my experience) the longer you let them assume that before you explicitly tell them it won’t, the crankier they will be about it when they finally click. That said – this may be different if you are on the “I don’t really go out of my way to sex given my druthers but if my partner that I love initiates I am happy to participate” end of the ace spectrum rather than the full-on sex-averse YUCK end. If you’re ok with sometimes-sex, you may have a lot more wiggle room.

      I was friends with my husband for ten years before we even thought about being in a relationship and I have no idea why this works for him but he assures me that it does. But we had many many discussions over the years about my ace-ness, like every time our relationship moved a step forward, “you know this will not change that, are you explicitly ok with taking that step and not seeing any change to our current sexual relationship or general lack thereof?” (And the fact that I am about as romantic as a sack of rusty hammers has become a joke for us and our closest friends.)

    4. anon for this*

      No advice, but commiseration – Gray-A type here, also Jewish, and well, big mood. I’ve been alternating between ace dating sites (where the pool is so small that either nobody’s Jewish or nobody’s saying so), then Jewish dating sites (where there are many more people but I don’t know what to do about my own semi-ace-ness), and nothing ever results in either direction.

    5. Hyaline*

      Maybe because I’m an Old and have ace friends who met and married spouses and are happily married decades later who didn’t have the vocabulary to call themselves ace, but I kinda think strict labeling can get in the way? As long as you’re open in a reasonably timely fashion about what your needs in a relationship are, I don’t think you necessarily need to “pre screen.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have found that navigating relationships got much easier once I had a label to assign in explanation. In my experience, you can be as careful and open about your needs as you want, and people will still hear “I am not interested in having sex with anybody” as “I am not interested in having sex WITH YOU” and it gets ugly.

        I am not saying that makes sense. It 1000% doesn’t make sense to me and it’s been very frustrating with a lifetime of partners who have dumped me over it. But even with my husband — I didn’t start personally identifying as asexual, like using the actual label, until a couple years after we got married. We’d had many discussions over the years about my “nonexistent sex drive” etc, but it continued to be a low-level frustration to him, until I said something about a conversation with my bestie about me being ace and he went “… wait, what? You’re asexual?” And I was like “…. I mean. Yes? Is this a surprise somehow?” And somehow hearing me actually claim the label just clicked and that was what he needed for it to not be a problem anymore, like we’re now going on four or five years without any more of those low-level frustration discussions about it.

      2. Phoebe Nix*

        Just for me, I have found being upfront about this all is pretty essential. It’s just not going to work for me otherwise, and is an exercise in frustration to go on dates if I’m in a different headspace than the average bear. Many (straight, I find it more common in straights) people assume romance/physicality is the sea we’re all unquestioningly swimming in, so it’s expected, default, and doesn’t need to be discussed. That’s a recipe for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Also, just personally, big picture, I wouldn’t want to be the reason an allosexual person didn’t get what they wanted/needed, or for my partner in life to feel “tricked” in any way. I respect their sexuality just like I respect my own, so I am looking for a certain thing that fits with my thing.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yes – I was thinking about it more while I was out and about today, and basically, I think (in general) allos can wrap their heads around “I’m not interested in sex *right now*” or “I’m not interested in sex *with that particular person*” or even “I’m not interested in sex *with men/women*”, because even people with the highest sex drives imaginable have probably found themselves in at least one of those headspaces at some point. But they can’t really wrap their heads around “I’m not interested in sex *ever, with anybody*” because it just doesn’t jive with their general experience, the same way I can’t wrap my head around what it would feel like to have gills and breathe water. So the response defaults to treating it like one of those other things, because that’s what they can relate to.

          1. Phoebe Nix*

            I find some can accept the sex parts, but I’m also grey-aromantic, don’t even like kissing and that kind of thing, and to most people that would just mean I am not “really” a romantic partner at all. It takes a unique key for this lock, I guess.

      3. Ellis Bell*

        This is a decent talking point because it certainly gets in the way if you’re meeting people offline, in casual or non structured ways of meeting people. But that’s mainly because random people are unlikely to meet what you’re looking for, they are not interested in your niche requirements, and anything that could be called a label is more usually a deal-breaker (but being asexual is really no more of a label than being heterosexual or homosexual, and those labels are pretty helpful in dating!) but only because the chances of someone you met in the wild being a match are lower. If you have huge social networks, where you don’t mind meeting a lot of the wrong people in the search of the right one, and you don’t mind your requirements, labelled or otherwise, getting back to other people in those networks you can definitely do a more long range, unspecified search. It can work eventually if you like that approach However since it sounds like Goose is trying to narrow the field, it makes sense to seek sexual compatibility just at the same time as cultural compatibility. I think set ups and online dates follow slightly different rules; it’s doesn’t have to be a nailed on compatibility, but it’s more expected that people will have put some prior thought into the possibility of being right for each other.

    6. Not A Manager*

      How are you in general “bringing up” being ace on a first date or very early on? If you’re used to pre-screening through apps and stuff and you usually only meet people IRL who are already aware, it might get weird/tedious to have to talk this through over and over with people you don’t know well. And some folks, when you hit them with a new-to-them sexual identity or preference, are intrigued and seem to be open minded or will even tell you they are into it, but then much further along in the relationship it turns out they were just a tourist.

      But if you are generally okay with having this conversation early on IRL, I don’t see that it matters much whether the first date is set up by aunties or any other way. So no, I don’t think you need to talk to everyone in your community about this, just your dates.

      In a small community, though, with strong personalities, it’s likely that after a few private conversations this information *will* get back to the folks who are setting you up. So if you don’t want that, then I’d avoid involving the aunties.

    7. HannahS*

      I’m Jewish and used the auntie network for dates, before I met my husband. I can see your dilemma. Ultimately, unless asexuality is something that the people in your dating pool are open about, it’s not be helpful for others to know. If Auntie B talks to her friend Sarah who’s child Alex is single, unless Alex tells their mother that they’re asexual, it isn’t going to help you for Auntie B to know that you’re asexual, right?

      Honestly, it’s fine to go on a single date with someone, and raise the “What sort of relationship are you looking for?” question, and then speak honestly.

      Do you live in a large enough city that there are LGBTQ+ Jewish groups? I’d start there. If you’re dating other queer people, it’s possible that they’ll know other people they can set you up with, too.

    8. RagingADHD*

      My first thought is that if you don’t want to discuss being ace with the aunties, don’t call on them at all. Because the first person you are introduced to who nopes out because of it is going to go right back to them and say, “Why did you set me up with someone who is so fundamentally incompatible with me?”

      So they will wind up asking you about it anyway.

      The aunties have a network of relationships and obligations. That is why they are helpful, but it also means they have obligations to the other potential partners as much as to you, and may get called out to some extent for mismatches if they are in the dark.

      1. anon for this*

        This will definitely happen. Ace people are my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and fellow humans, and I wish y’all well, but the one thing an ace person is not qualified to be is my romantic partner. So if you disclosed on our first date that would be a hard pass and a 99% chance I’d report back to the aunties.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Yeah, this is what’s going to happen. The well-intentioned “aunties” will want to know how the date went and, inevitably, why things didn’t work out. You can’t reasonably expect your dates not to report back that your asexuality is a roadblock (much less hope or ask them to give the aunties another reason).

          I don’t think disclosing on the first date is particularly helpful – not for the dates but primarily for you! I foresee many many first dates that lead nowhere. The best option IMHO is some type of dating website where you can indicate upfront that this is part of the equation for you. Don’t waste other people’s time and don’t waste your own time.

    9. Literally a Cat*

      Aroace so dating isn’t even part of what I’d worry about, I’d be _very_ honest about it if I were to date though. Sexual compatibility is crutial, and even if you are a sex favourable person, some allos will take it as personal offence if you are not attracted to them sexually, even if they are not the varieble here.

  18. Isabel Archer*

    Cat parents of AAM! Does anyone use a Litter Robot? I’d love to hear some first-hand opinions, good or bad. Obviously it’s crazy expensive, but I’m considering it for an elderly person who really can’t scoop litter any more. Thanks!

    1. Cedrus Libani*

      I have used a Litter Robot for many years. It’s easily my favorite life upgrade. However I will say…it’s a robot, not the litter fairy. Sometimes you have to fix a robot!

      It’s designed to be user serviced. There are informative “error messages” (as different flashing lights). There’s good documentation, including YouTube videos. It’s not that bad…if you’re not afraid to pick up a screwdriver every once in a while. If that’s not for you, then don’t buy a Litter Robot.

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          Pro tip: I’ve found that putting it on a preventative maintenance schedule helps. Once every 3 months or so, take the top part off, remove the stray litter that builds up inside the base, wipe any dirt off the sensors, and consider hosing down the parts that touch the litter (I do that every 9-12 months). That takes care of most of the routine issues, though you may still need to replace parts occasionally.

    2. Sc@rlettNZ*

      Please don’t buy a cheaper knock off. There have been horrendous stories about them malfunctioning and killing cats. From what I’ve read the actual Litter Robots are OK

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I was about ready to give away my husband and his cats, like we had a serious discussion that if he did not improve his litter box maintenance immediately the cats might have to go because I was tired of my house smelling like a cat box and his cats peeing on my dog pillows because their box was dirty. He got a Litter Robot and I never smelled cat box again (except when the first one broke in a way he couldn’t figure out and he took too long trying to fix it before he just replaced it) and have not had any more peeing-destruction issues.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Thanks Red, now that’s an endorsement! How many cats did your husband have when you got it?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Two at the time, now up to 3. The newest one was a kitten, just barely over the size range for the sensors to pick her up when she first came home, but she hasn’t had any problems yet and she’s put on a pound so I think she’s solidly ok now. The other two were already full grown adults when he got it and they adapted right quick with no issues.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      We have the LE4 and it’s magic. OK, it’s not going to do ALL the things itself, but it’s great.

    5. Nothing to Wear*

      I don’t want to hijack this but I have a related, add-on question. If you do get a litter robot, do you still need 1 per cat or can 1 litter robot take the place of multiple litter boxes. The reason I only have one cat is because I really don’t have space for more than one litter box.

      2. Cedrus Libani*

        I have the LR3 with two cats. Long ago, I had the original LR in a four cat house. In both cases, the capacity was around 8 cat-days; that is, it fills up every four days with two cats, or every other day with four cats. If I had more than four cats I might get a second one, just so they wouldn’t have to wait (or flounce off to do their business elsewhere). Four cats was fine…and even with four cats, the house never smelled of used cat food, because the litter box was always freshly scooped.

        1. Lala*

          is it hard for cats who have used traditional litter boxes all their lives to get used to? does it work with all brands of cat litter, so cats don’t have to adjust to new cat litter too?

          1. RussianInTexas*

            My cats didn’t have any issues transitioning. I think any clumpy litter would work fine, but it must be the clumping type. We use Kirkland brand from Costco.
            The cats were fascinated by the LR for months. Every time it started cycling they would run over and stare.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Our cats had no issue adjusting when they were 5. It works with clumping litters, we use the same kind we always have, which is … uh, whatever comes in the purple four-pack at Costco. I’m not sure that it would work with non-clumping litters though.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              The clumping is a must because the way the robot works is to shift out the non clumped litter and dump the clumped into the tray. The purple one is the Kirkland!

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                I know their cat food is the Kirkland brand in a purple bag. I think the litter is an actual brand though. Scoop Away or something like that, Scoop something. :)

    6. Synaptically Unique*

      I’m aggravated with my LR right this moment, but overall it’s usually good. Took a while to find a litter that 1) clumped well enough and 2) I could tolerate (sensitive to perfumes). It helped to set it to the longest delay so there was more time for the litter to harden. I went down to 2 static boxes and 1 LR for 5 cats. Only 4 now, but still have the same boxes. The LR has enough malfunctions that I wouldn’t risk having that as the only box. Found it stuck in the upside down position yesterday (again). I will say that you should skip the fancy bags and their horribly useless steps. I get medium trash bags and slide the back end of the tray inside instead of messing with the little clips. Works fine. Got the carpeted step/ramp instead and it worked much better than the LR steps.

  19. Categorical*

    Simple joys thread? Always enjoy reading them.
    I did a short hike in a heatwave, and stopped at an appropriate point without overdoing it, and still got some outdoor time.

    1. Kiki Is The Most*

      Today at pilates was the first time since I started exercising again that I felt like I was getting stronger. I left with a sense of confidence that I normally don’t feel with exercising. So nice!

    2. Janesfriend*

      I ate my lunch at the beach yesterday, it was still cold (NZ, still coming out of winter) but the sun was shining and the sea was beautiful.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am going to a fiber festival with a friend today, and leaving on vacation Thursday!

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Glad I went to my zoom Alanon meeting this morning. I wasn’t feeling well physically, but it was nice to see friendly familiar faces.

    5. FACS*

      Got confirmation that both sons and partners will be coming home next weekend. It will be darling older sons gf first time in our small town. We have the local arts festival that we can walk to and dinner at an awesome steak house planned. Then a walk in the Blue Ridge!

    6. RagingADHD*

      1) My avocado this morning was absolutely perfect.

      2) I have not been in pain for 2 whole days, and I actually feel like doing stuff. You get so used to the background noise of pain that you don’t realize how much mental energy you’re actually expending to deal with it.

    8. Ontariariario*

      I just finished some overdue cleaning, this morning I picked two bushels of green tomatoes from my little garden with my neighbour for her to make salsa (I kept the riper ones) then I had coffee outside with perfect weather, and tonight I will meet up with former neighbours I’ve known for decades. I’m taking tomorrow easy!

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Got my niece’s birthday present ordered and sent her card!

      Also thrilled that’s cool enough to do Serious Casseroles and Such Cooking: this week I made spaghetti and hot potato salad as my meals of the week. Husband has requested chicken and dumplings for our next set!

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      My six-year-old laptop was showing signs that it wouldn’t last much longer so I got a new one to replace it. Yesterday, I picked up both computers from the place that transferred everything over to the new laptop. Only a few hours later, the old one died for good. Phew.

    11. AGD*

      Accidentally found a perfect little gift for a friend! I have no idea why the gift shop even makes something so weird and niche, but I have That One Friend who will probably accuse me of having had it custom-made. I can’t wait for their reaction.

    12. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Last night my husband and I walked downtown to a bistro we love, and had their amazing burgers, salad, and fries (I’m celiac and can’t eat fries in most restaurants so they are always a treat!) Plus they had the gluten free beer I like that’s been impossible to find recently! We sat at the bar and the energy was just really nice. Then we drove out to a concert in a barn in a small town just outside our city – it’s part of a music festival that specifically chooses venues in rural towns, and I’ve wanted to check it out for years now!

      We’ve been doing a lot of weekends at the cottage, which is always great, but my extrovert heart enjoyed a more people-filled Friday night!

    13. Knighthope*

      Went to the Museum of the Shenandoah Valley in Winchester, VA and saw “Gardens of Glass: The Art of Craig Mitchell Smith” which was fantastic! Highly recommend – exhibit closes October 13.

    14. Old Plant Woman*

      Impulse date with my husband of 49 years. Good food, brew, surprise live music. I love all live music, even not so good. These guys were great. Got some old people rock comments. Great fun

    15. BellaStella*

      I read most of Saturday and slept 9 hrs last night too. I decided to only to bare minimum of cleaning and that I needed rest. I feel so much better today. Today planning a walk with friends to see autumn leaves.

    16. allathian*

      Enjoying the beautiful fall colors, the big 50+ years old maples are especially stunning this time of year.

    17. color my numbers*

      I hate almost everything about cell phones. Speaking with my cousin yesterday, I found that her sister also hates (to the point of almost never using) a cell phone. I feel seen!

    18. Bike Walk Barb*

      I started a beginning hula hoop class last week and went again this week. Super fun with a very chill instructor who tells us if we find something we like and we want to do it in a corner for the whole class we can ignore everything she’s saying up front.

      Last week she taught us a move that involved going up over our heads and swirling the hoop on one hand. On my own this week I figured out how to put both hands up, then switch to the other hand, then back. I was in flag corps in my high school marching band decades ago and am wondering if a tiny bit of muscle memory of maneuvering large things with their own momentum is coming back.

  20. English Rose*

    Read House in the Cerulean Sea, which was referenced (via the sequel) in last week’s column. Absolutely loved it.
    First book for many years I stayed up reading in bed until the early hours to finish it because I simply couldn’t wait!

  21. WoodswomanWrites*

    For anyone here whose life has been upended by Hurricane Helene, I can’t imagine the intensity of what’s happening. This Californian is thinking of you and your community.

    1. Anonymous for this*

      Yes, the level of death and destruction and life disruption is truly horrendous. I’m in southwest Virginia. There was bad localized flooding in two neighboring counties and more extensive devastating flooding in far southwest Virginia — these counties have the same Appalachian-mountain topography as western North Carolina and were in that same direct storm path.

      Where I am, we got very heavy rain and strong winds and half my town (luckily not my half) lost electricity for a few days. The county’s water treatment plant was overwhelmed and we’re on a boil-water notice for at least another week, but when I think about those who took a direct hit I feel very fortunate. Which reminds me, it’s time to boil up another pot of water. It takes less than 10 minutes for 2 quarts of water to come to a boil and boil for a minute, but many hours to cool down.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m so sorry for you and everyone affected. I’ve made a couple donations but it feels like so little.

  22. MuffetTuffetShroom*

    I’m looking for books in the genre of ‘wronged woman cubes back better than ever’. Historical or modern day, no particular cultural setting. Usually the protagonist has been treated terribly by her husband or family or job, walks away (or is forced away), and then builds a much better life life and everyone regrets how terrible they’ve been and/or gets their commupence. I am looking for the happy/satisfying ending. Please share book suggestions! Or if there’s even a name for this genre.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      Your thread makes me think of a wonderful children’s book, The Paper Bag Princess. Not really an adult book like you’re asking for–although I find it entertaining–but it aligns with the genre you mention.

    2. Jackalope*

      I’m currently reading Sex, Lies, and Sensibility by Nikki Payne. It’s a modern retelling of Sense and Sensibility, and starts off with the female lead and her sister being treated horribly by their father’s family. They and their mother are forced out of their house and they end up off on an adventure fixing up an old… b&b, I think it is? Inn? It’s a romance, and does have a happy ending, and I’ve been enjoying it a lot. (Although I did skip ahead to the end just to make sure it turned out “right”…)

    3. Sparkle Llama*

      Maybe what you are looking for maybe not. I am reading through the My Lady Jane series and related Mary series by Jodi Meadows et al. They are rewriting of historical teenage girls stories in fantasy realms. My Lady Jane is the premise – what if Lady Jane Grey wasn’t killed by Bloody Mary and some characters can turn into animals. They are young adult fiction and very fun.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        Ooh, I read that based on recommendations here, and I loved it!

    5. InkyFingers*

      Read a book last month that a friend suggested, a really good read and loved the ending—Undone:A Novel of Betrayal

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      The Change by Kristen Miller! I think it borders on misandry, but the women in it get mad and get even each in their own way.

    7. WellRed*

      British novel, Revenge of the Middle Aged Woman. She doesn’t actually seek revenge so much as her life falls apart but eventually com s full circle.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I really loved Jennifer Wiener’s Good in Bed. I found it very satisfying in the way you described.

    9. Dainty Lady*

      Go old school: “A Woman of Substance” by Barbara Taylor Bradford. Emma Harte triumphs completely.

        1. UKDancer*

          That was so formative when I was growing up. I read it when I was probably too young (about 12 I think) because our school library let us read what we wanted and had no controls. Some of the content went above my head but I loved the parts about her building a massive department store, wearing great clothes with shoulder pads and crushing her enemies. I also loved the sequels about her granddaughter Paula who did the same but with shoulder pads.

    11. GoryDetails*

      T. Kingfisher has some of those, in a fantasy setting: Swordheart features a woman who’s about to be forced into an unwanted marriage in order to control her inherited estate, but she stumbles across a magic sword that releases a near-immortal warrior when drawn. Adventures ensue! There is definitely some very satisfactory comeuppance and a happy ending for our protagonists.

      And Paladin’s Grace has a perfumer who left her controlling husband to take up new work in a distant city, where she meets a troubled paladin whose god has died (think fantasy-world PTSD plus occasional uncontrolled berserker rages) and they find a way to help each other.

      1. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        In a slightly different fantasy vein, Lois McMaster Bujold’s Paladin of Souls qualifies. The previous book, The Curse of Chalion, is useful for context (and wonderful in its own right) but not essential.

        1. Josame*

          I love both of those books. I love how you get to see the changes in Ista from the 1st book to the 2nd.

    13. Dancing Otter*

      You might like “And One Last Thing” by Molly Harper. Not sure about the comeuppance, precisely, but it starts with the protagonist adding a little something to her cheating husband’s client newsletter. He sues for defamation; other women ask her to write similar screeds for them…. Very, very funny. And living well is the best revenge, right?
      Note: I listened to this as an audiobook, no idea how it reads by eye.

    14. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      It’s a bit uneven and got mixed reviews, but I liked “When Women Were Dragons” by Kelly Barnhill, which hits a lot of those notes. It’s the story of women turning into dragons and either escaping their stultifying 1950s lives or raining vengeance on the men who have been mistreating them told from the perspective of a young woman whose aunt dragoned and then was told had never existed.

    15. Chaordic One*

      This is probably a bit obvious and it really dates me, but there is, “The Life and Loves of a She-Devil,” by the late Fay Weldon. The novel was quite a bit darker than the movie that was based on it.

      1. ReallyBadPerson*

        I came to suggest this very book. Yes, it is older, but it absolutely fits the bill! Didn’t see the movie but the book was indeed dark.

        1. Chaordic One*

          I thought the movie was pretty good, too. Even back when it came out the casting of Roseanne Barr in the lead role was controversial (and that was before she had really developed her current bad reputation).

          The producers, directors and casting people all said they had difficulty in casting the part and several of the actors who they thought were good candidates for the role turned down the part because they thought the character was so “unattractive” and that it would hurt their careers. Roseanne was supposedly the only well-known quantity who actively wanted the part and, while she wasn’t exactly what the movie people had in mind, she was good enough.

          1. UKDancer*

            I love the book. There was also a really good TV series with Patricia Hodge, Dennis Waterman and Julie T Wallace who was absolutely outstanding. Julie in particular was exactly how I would imagine Ruth to be. Not sure if it’s still available but it was great.

            1. Chaordic One*

              I hadn’t heard about this, so I’ did some research. Julie T Wallace’s portrayal of the character of Ruth seems to be closer to the character as described in the book by virtue of Ms. Wallace being so physically tall.

    16. carcinization*

      I think some of the Earthsea books were like this… The Tombs of Atuan, Tehanu, and The Other Wind.

  23. Ladybird*

    I need a child friendly Halloween costume to wear that looks good from the waist up. (I’ll be online!)
    No gore or weapons.

    Any ideas?
    I am terrible at makeup and never usually dress up at all for Halloween

    1. Ladybird*

      Sorry, to clarify. I, an adult, all be wearing the costume but needs to be appropriate for my audience of young people!

    2. Tinamedte*

      A witch’s hat + blacken out one of your front teeth + whatever black/long-sleeved top you have lying around.

    3. Can't remember my username*

      A moth or a butterfly – you can get wings easily online, and just weat it with a plain top, and it will show when you move your arms. Very child friendly.

    4. Janne*

      A funny and very easy costume that I saw a couple years ago was someone who dressed up as a Minecraft Creeper. He just wore a green shirt and had a painted box on his head. Not very comfortable but I assume that once you’ve made an impression, you can take the box off.

    5. ThatOtherClare*

      Ghost in a sheet? It’s a cliché for a reason. Easy to do, easy to recognise, and not too scary for younger children but not a ‘cop-out’ on scary if you’ve got some edgy older ones who’d mock you for being a zebra or something.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Black top, cat ears, draw on whiskers with an eyebrow pencil. You don’t even have to mess with the clip-on tail! :)

    7. RagingADHD*

      Ladybug:

      Red shirt, bobble-antenna headband, red circle blush on cheeks, freckles with an eye pencil. Optional: cut out a few black polka dots from felt or construction paper and tape them to your shirt.

    8. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      A ladybird!
      Red shirt with cut out black paper/felt dots, alice band with black pipe cleaners as feelers.
      Easy and child friendly.

      1. anonandon2*

        I assume you mean ladybug, but I love this idea! Or a butterfly like “Can’t remember my username” suggested. So cute and non-scary for the kids.

        1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

          Yes, ladybird is the British name for a ladybug. And since the original commenter also goes by “ladybird”, I found it fitting :D (that’s clearly also where I found inspiration xD )

    9. FACS*

      Do you know a knitter? get a metallic yarn and you can pretty quickly whip up some “chain mail”. My sons had a tunic and help that lasted for years!

    10. Asdf*

      I just got this for my 7yo daughter but would be good for an adult working with kids too. Get a “Pete the cat and his 4 groovy buttons” tshirt off Amazon and a headband or clips of blue cat ears.

    11. HannahS*

      Cat: Wear a black shirt. Throw on a cat-ears headband. Buy the cheapest eyeliner possible at the drugstore, draw a black triangle on the tip of your nose and some black lines for whiskers.

      Waldo/Wally: Red-and-white striped shirt, red-and-white striped pom-pom hat.

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Thank you for sharing that link! What fantastical pieces of art and function! I especially like the parrot pots and the termite one

  25. Anonymous for This One*

    I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today and I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to vent. My sister and I have been having a terrible time caring for our elderly parents in their final years. (Shoutout to PhyllisB! You’ve been an inspiration!) We’ve been unable to locate appropriate nursing home care where they will get their needs met and after having them in several nursing homes brought them back to their own home and we have had 3 different caregivers with rotating shifts caring for them with one of my sisters and myself filling in when they are gone. My sister is retired, but I still work full-time. (We have another sister who lives out-of-state and who isn’t involved in caring for them.) After a full day at work I’m tired and they are just so demanding and needy and need so much help. I can never leave them alone. They are both in wheelchairs and both getting hospice care.

    This week my sister seemed to come down with a cold. It turned out to be COVID. My father and 2 of our 3 caregivers tested positive for it. I started feeling bad on Wednesday, but didn’t test positive until Friday. (And I received a COVID vaccination a couple of weeks ago.) So far my mother hasn’t had any symptoms and has remained negative. My sister has somehow managed to find some new additional caregivers who are not sick and who will come into our home to help with our parents. I think I’m feeling a bit better, but I’m still pretty tired. I’m not sure my father is going to make it and I’m worried about my mother still coming down with it. I just never expected this. I really thought that the planet had pretty gotten over COVID. We managed to get through 4 years without getting sick, so I guess that’s something.

    No medical advice, please. Maybe some commiseration?

    1. a very large purple elephant*

      I’m sorry it’s so tough. And, it really is objectively tough. It’s tiring to have two full-on jobs. I’m not sure where you live, but I don’t think many countries do sufficient care for the elderly. Just know in your heart you’re doing your best. It’s not perfect, but it’s your best, and that’s all you can do.

      Although, it seems like the Covid vaccine worked as intented? I don’t think they *prevent* covid, it just trains your body to deal with it better, so that when you do get Covid, it’s a much milder reaction, which is sounds like you had.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Oh my, that is just so draining. You sound like you are coming close to burning out. The whole thing – caregiving, COVID, hospice – just sucks.

    4. FACS*

      I am so very sorry that you have all this on you. It is a lot. Those who have dealt with this (there are a bunch, even if we don’t talk about it) feel for you and are sending loving kindness. please remember to care for yourself. Even a 20 minute bath can help.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I’m so sorry. It’s so much, and so exhausting, especially when you’re trying to get well yourself.

      I’m glad you were able to get additional help. Can you call a friend just for a good catch up? You probably need someone who can make you laugh.

      If nobody in that category is a available right now, I highly recommend funny animal videos. It seems trivial, but it is 100 percent true that laughter is good medicine. My favorite is “screaming goats.”

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        I second the advice to call an old, good friend or two if you can. Talking about what’s going on can be therapeutic, and yes, maybe they can make you laugh a bit, even in the midst of an awful situation. And I like FACS’s advice above as well about maybe taking a bath. You’re not betraying your parents by taking care of yourself a bit and taking a break. It can feel very hard to relax in the midst of such a chaotic and stressful time, but it’s really good for you to break the spiral of worry and stress and think about something else, even just for a few minutes. You probably don’t feel up to reading, but if you do, maybe read an old favorite book that you find calming?

    7. HannahS*

      I’m so sorry. You’re going through so much, and I’m sure you’ve had a lot of grief already.

      One thing I notice is that you’re feeling surprised, and I just wanted to say that it’s normal to feel that way. Even when people have terminal illnesses or are in hospice, death still can still feel surprising.

      I hope you find comfort in coming days/weeks/months.

      1. Pam Adams*

        Even with knowing someone is in hospice care,the moment when you realize it’s not your job to save them byt to let them go is incredibly hard.

        1. LBD*

          Yes, I have seen people caring for someone who was given months or weeks to live being surprised by that person dying months or weeks later, and even feeling that they had failed to be good enough as a caregiver. All of those caregivers were exemplary in their caring, and there was no failure of any sort.

    8. Qwerty*

      I’m sorry, that sounds very hard. We went through a lot of struggles with my grandparents and it is very draining, plus the grieving process starts while people are still in front of you.

      One thing that made it easier was one of their doctors pointing out they were at the point where its a (slow) race between an illness ending it or a old age causing something critical to fail. Back then the common cold was the most likely culprit, but heath precautions of the pandemic made it the latter. Eventually we shifted from praying they didn’t catch anything to praying that however it ended was peaceful and in their sleep.

      Covid is pretty much here to stay, just like how we never got rid of the flu. The goal of the vaccines is to prevent the worst outcomes and make it easier to get over. I get the false sense of security – I just had covid and after so many negative tests the past few years I was so confused to finally see a positive one.

    9. Anonymous for This One*

      Thank you for your kind comments. While I’m feeling better, I took a shower this afternoon and it was exhausting. I felt better, but so tired I had to go back to bed for an hour or so. I’m going to give a call to some friends this evening and tomorrow. I’m starting to get an appetite back, but I have that awful side effect where everything tastes funny, sort of metallic like, or like it has spoiled. Not sure what I’m going to eat. I guess just some chicken soup for now.

      1. allathian*

        I’m so sorry. I’m glad that you got some help.

        I can commiserate, my 79 year old MIL is recovering from Covid. Apart from asthma, currently pretty much in control, she’s very fit for her age. Three weeks after diagnosis she’s tired but otherwise fine. Now she’s more worried about her husband who’s showing symptoms. He’s a few years older and frail. So we’re a bit worried to say the least.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I second all the wonderful advice given above.
      Please just be gentle with yourself. I don’t know where you’re located, but end of life care is pretty bad everywhere and in the current youth obsessed culture, dying is viewed very oddly. It’s a part of life! Just do the best you can, and it sounds like you’re doing SO much, and try to take care of yourself as best you can.
      Much commiseration as I have been there as well.

  26. Rent charge buying house in UK*

    Hi – it’s a long shot but has anyone come across rent charge when buying house in UK? I’ve just been told house I want to buy has £4 annual rent charge (nothing to do with ground rent) and it can stop banks lending mortgages on the property even though it’s a tiny amount as it gives a third party access on your house. I’m ok as I am cash buyer using lifetime of savings but when I come to sell in 5-10 years it could be a problem. Thanks

    1. Rent charge buying house in UK*

      My solicitor flagged it as a problem but I wondered if anyone had experience of this.

    2. Mutually supportive*

      Oooh, never heard of it! But Google “UK rent charge” brings up a useful looking page on the gov . uk website.
      Looks like a historic thing

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I also did some googling and it looks like you can apply to pay a one-time lump sum and redeem the rentcharge permanently, which I assume would remove the future issue? But definitely check out the page on the gov.uk website, it has a link to the info about the redemption process, so take a look at that with your solicitor and see if it helps at all.

  27. ThisIsntFobulous*

    Has anybody had experience, good or bad, with getting a replacement key fob on eBay? People keep recommending it to me, but the thought makes me nervous.

    Of course, I’m trying now to get one through my local dealership and it’s a MESS. “We don’t have it in stock, we have to get it from Detroit, it’ll take a week, we’ll call you.” They didn’t. I call back Friday because my programming appointment is Monday. “Oh, it didn’t come. It says there are 200 and something in stock there but I have to call them? Call me back on Wednesday if you don’t hear from me by then.” Which will be TWO WEEKS since I paid them $250 (not including programming) with nothing to show for it! My vehicle is nonfunctional without a working fob, and luckily my mom had the second one which mostly works, but it does weird things and right now I just want *one* that I can rely on and this whole situation is just so so dumb. I’ve already decided that that conversation Wednesday will end with a) my fob in that guy’s hand, b) my $250 back to procure this tiny expensive mfer elsewhere, or c) a really REALLY good reason not to start shouting at people for a refund. But I do need a replacement!

    (Please do not ask me if I’ve tried replacing the battery. Everyone asks me that. Yes! It’s the first thing I tried!)

    1. WellRed*

      This is a fear of mine. That the key fob will go or get lost and then I can’t use the car. Is there a battery and bulb location near you? I believe they do key fobs.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      I got one with the programming kit from car keys express and it was so easy to do and worked great! Cost way less than the $600 the dealership wanted for one. I would also be nervous about eBay for a fob.

    3. A313*

      In my area, I’ve heard multiple times you can get it done at Ace Hardware for much cheaper than the dealership.

    4. Randy*

      I have an early 2000’s Honda Civic and had to buy a key fob several years ago because the lock on my driver’s side door stopped working with my key. Got an aftermarket fob for about $20 off Amazon and did the programing myself. Only took a few minutes, but admittedly needed to read the instructions a few times because you have to press different buttons on the fob/car in a fairly quick sequence. (Dealership wanted to change something like $150 for the fob and programming.) I don’t know if fobs with newer cars are more complicated. Maybe find a YouTube video on how to do it and see if they recommend buying it somewhere specific?

    5. Lifelong student*

      Doesn’t your fob have an actual key inside it? Mine does, in case the fob doesn’t work.

      1. Clisby*

        Mine has that – but the key is only for unlocking the door. There’s no way to use it as an ignition key.

    6. Banana Pyjamas*

      Your key fob should open into a normal key you can use without worrying about programming. Depending on your make a model how the fob opens up to reveal the key will be different.

      My Subaru Ascent fob had a tiny hole I had to press into to release the key. Meanwhile, my Ford Escape has a thumb sized button that slides the key out.

      Also on your one that mostly works, try changing the battery. Before the batter died in my Ascent fob, the car would sometimes tell me the key couldn’t be detected or the fob would randomly lock/unlock the car.

    7. Reba*

      Hardware store or key specialist, not dealer and I personally wouldn’t feel good with eBay. Gooducl getting your money back.

    9. Happy Days*

      Most cars have a way to start the car if the key fob is not working properly. I have a 3 year old Subaru and it involves touching the nonfunctioning fob to the start button. When communication is established the car dings and then starts. My husband has an older Nissan and his car has a slot you put the whole fob into. If you have the manual you could see if it has a section about what to do if the fob doesn’t work. Manuals are also readily available online and can be easier to search that way.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        I just googled make model year when I didn’t see an ignition and a video came up showing how to.

    11. Juneybug*

      What a hassle! I am mad on your behalf!!
      Once you get your refund back, maybe try a mobile locksmith? Many of them now do car locks as well as houses.
      Good luck with all of this!

    12. Shiny Penny*

      In this same boat with my 2015 minivan with a dead battery fob.
      If your fob is still intact, with the dead battery inside (I think that’s required?) try this—
      Depress the brake peddle, and hold it down for this entire procedure. Touch the end of the fob directly against the Start button. (No force is required, just tight proximity.) Slide the fob around the Start button until they establish telepathic contact— a beep will sound. After the beep, quickly push the start button, (with the fob itself OR with your hand), and the engine will start.
      The other comments here illustrate that actually there is no single truth anymore about how cars with fobs function, or what a fob actually consists of. Bummer! But I have read that every car is required to have a way to start even if the fob battery is dead, so it’s worth looking on YouTube for your exact model.
      There’s also a guy on YouTube who has a business providing everything you need to get and program your own new fob. He sends a phone preloaded with the necessary app in case people have paleo phones that can’t cope with downloading the app (ahem). When you’re done, you mail that phone back to him. It looks much cheaper than going through a dealership! I misplaced one of my two fobs during lockdown when I didn’t drive for months, so I plan to go this route at some point.
      Good luck!

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Tiny Soapbox Rant—
        I’m actually really ambivalent about replacing my fob battery because having a dead battery fixes some of the security concerns I have with fobs in general. You do have to use the weird little “door key” to lock/unlock the doors from the outside, but that lives on my key chain anyway. But now I can double check that the door is locked before I walk away from my car! And my fob is not broadcasting my car’s code in a parking lot for bad guys to capture! Or broadcasting/trigger-able from inside the house! And I can carry the fob in my pocket, at work or in a store, without the risk of having my car **out on the street** end up accidentally unlocked or worse. (My neighbor once called me at 6 in the morning quite freaked out because she saw my hatchback WAS OPEN. It had been open all night, due to some accidental button press sometime before I’d gone to bed the night before. There were other times this happened, but that was the worst and I had to just stop keeping the fob in my pocket anymore. Yes the salesman and dealership mechanics had all promised this **could not** happen. I am totally over my bitterness by now, though. Totally.)

      2. fhqwhgads*

        If it’s just the battery they don’t need a new fob at all. Just a $5 battery. The dealer would charge $50 to replace the battery or do it yourself in 5 minutes. The dealer wouldn’t be charging $250 and waiting for parts unless there’s some real reason to replace the whole fob. Or they’re cheats.

  28. Kim Possible*

    Any leads on finding a women’s utility belt for holding phone, keys, pocket knife, etc in different pouches? My excuse is that I’m going as Kim Possible for Halloween but the real need is for when I volunteer at robotics competitions which includes I crawling around the floor to fix the field but also need to have some things on me at all times. I’m on the skinny side (30″ hips, 25″ waist) so having trouble finding something small enough for me that also has usable pouches.

    My options so far seem to be womens’ fanny pack (not the right look plus only give me one pouch instead of multiple) or pure decorative ones with pouches that aren’t big enough for anything. Even the womens belts that don’t serve my purpose have been too big on me, so I think I’ll have the same problem with mens belts. Anyone have ideas? Are there different key words I could search for that would show more of what I need?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know how big the pouches need to be, but you could look at belts for dog training; they will often have a pouch for treats and for poop bags, and the ones for hands-free leashes have a container for the leash as well. There are gardener belts with more pouches/holders but they don’t usually zip shut—dunno if that’s a dealbreaker.

      1. Bethlam*

        Seconding the gardener belts. Many (like mine) have the adjustable belt feature so you can tighten it to fit a smaller waist. Mine also has several zip pockets (like for packets of seeds). It was a gift decades ago so, sorry, no clue where it was purchased. But if you use the term gardener belt in your searches, you might find something that works for you.

    2. acmx*

      Was etsy one of the places you’ve been looking?
      But Lowes has Dickies pouches you can buy that you could slid onto a belt that fits. Also, you could add holes to a belt.

    4. MJ*

      If men’s belts would be too big, could you look at boy’s sizes? That might hit the sweet spot of enough useable pockets plus small size.

    5. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Have you had a look at tool belts? Or tool pouches where you thread your own belt through the loops of the pouch?
      A quick look at amazon under “small tool belt” or “small tool pouch for belt” showed quite a good number of results. Most of them don’t have zippers or other ways of closing them but some do! (for example the kenobee belt tool pouch has a flap and one smaller pocket with a zipper)

      1. Qwerty*

        I was only getting ones that didn’t close (don’t want my wallet falling out) or giant ones. Thanks for the brand of Kenobee, that’s bringing up better results!

    6. Sister George Michael*

      I use a Spibelt that has two zipper pouches, both large enough to hold a phone. And I have Athleta shorts and pants that have a lot of zipper pockets.

    7. anon24*

      Look into EMS belts and accessories. We carry a lot on our belts and there’s all kinds of heavy duty belts and then whatever accessory pouches you want to put on them. Everyone chooses different gear to carry on their belt, from trauma shears to flashlights to multitools to tourniquets and beyond and there’s different clips, pouches, and adapters to carry all of it in different configurations.

      1. Qwerty*

        oh boy, EMS also stands for Electronic Muscle Stimulator, I was not expecting the search results to be so many six packs! Note for anyone else: include “pouch” in the search terms to see what anon24 was recommending

        But thanks, I’m looking into this! Found something that will also let me clip a roll of duck tape to my belt, which is a bonus feature for robot days. I love the idea of configurability!

        1. anon24*

          You’re welcome! If you end up going this route and choose a belt/add pouches rather than a belt with pouches already on it, I highly recommend the Blackhawk Inner Duty Belt. I’ve been an EMT for 6 years and been fighting with belts that allow my pants to slide down my hips or just don’t stay in place and one of the other women I work with recently recommended this belt to me. It’s amazing, a bit cumbersome to get on tightly because it secures with a long strip of Velcro (and also if you’re running to the bathroom quickly it is super annoying because it is not quick to get off, lol) but if you take the time to get it snug, it does not move. Love it. It’s designed to be either a standalone that you can clip stuff to or be an inner belt that an outer belt with pouches attached will hook onto so you can easily take the outer belt off and on when you sit down and not get stabbed by all your gear, but I use it as a standalone.

    8. Yoli*

      Check Lakeshore Learning…they sell these for teachers but I don’t know what they’re called (teacher toobelt?), so you could find the name there and then look on Amazon.

  29. Banana Pyjamas*

    Woodswoman Writes

    Following up on last weeks post about tiny homes.

    I learned of a tiny home resort in MD called Blue Moon Rising. They have an ADA accessible cabin you can stay in.

    1. Pam Adams*

      nice! Most of the tiny homes I’ve seen use a loft bed to maximize square footage, and I couldn’t get in one

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        There is a Queen nook and full size bathroom according to the website. There is still a loft, but in addition to ground level sleeping.

        One of the episodes on Tiny House nation they actually put in a trundle on the main level because the person was too tall to sit in a loft comfortably. They do a lot of Murphy beds. I imagine neither of those solutions would be good for many with mobility issues.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      That’s thoughtful of you to share the link, looks like a beautiful place to check out different designs.

      I was excited about a current opportunity for a spot in a mobile home park because it had so much going for it. It’s owned by a nonprofit focused on affordable housing, meaning I wouldn’t be at risk from the big companies buying up mobile home parks and jacking up rent for the space. They’ve dropped the price and it’s insanely cheap because it’s a teardown, so I could buy it outright with my savings. It’s located at the edge of the property bordering on open space so I wouldn’t be packed in with neighbors all around me.

      However, as I pondered an overnight drive to see it, I had to accept that the timing just doesn’t align with my retirement plans. I would have to pay the monthly rental fee for a few years before I could move. That makes no financial sense, even at the low rate the nonprofit offers, because I’m paying rent at my existing place in the Bay Area with no security that my inexpensive rent will continue. If I could move today, it would be worth investing in buying it and paying to remove the existing structure.

      I really appreciate all the comments to my post. You gave me good things to think about, and I’ll take them into consideration when I’m eventually ready to move. In the meantime, I’ll continue to indulge in looking at what’s out there. For now, it’s a fun hobby and that’s good enough.

  30. Clisby*

    Mine has that – but the key is only for unlocking the door. There’s no way to use it as an ignition key.

  31. Randy*

    Like everyone else, I’ve gotten several letters in the mail about personal data breaches over the years. The latest one is from Change Healthcare about a data breach from February. They’re offering an opportunity to enroll in free credit monitoring and identity restoration services through IDX for two years. I’ve never enrolled in any of the free data monitoring services offered after data breaches before. I can’t help but think, “You want me to give all my personal information to another random company who is just as likely to suffer a data breach?!” But am I missing out somehow? Do any of you guys enroll in the free services?

    I’ve avoided password managers for the same reason. What if there’s a breach and all my passwords are stolen?

    (I did check all the credit reports from the three credit unions, froze my credit at all three, and activated a year of “fraud alerts” for the two that offered it. Of course now I’ve decided I need a second credit card, lol.)

    1. Harlowe*

      There are password managers that allow you to self-host, like Bitwarden. Spinning up the container has a bit of a learning curve, but there’s plenty of beginner tutorials online.

    2. Qwerty*

      Some banks allow you monitor your own credit since the bank already has all of your info. Chase has a free service called Chase Journey, which emails me once a month about any changes to my credit score and includes some details like any new lines opened, my credit used vs available, etc. I think you could probably log in to see information more frequently but I’m not that active of a user

    3. Squidhead*

      I enrolled (and enrolled my spouse) after a breach earlier this year. Just recently we both got emails showing parts of our data (including SSNs) was listed on darkweb sites, so this has alerted us to be a little more vigilant about checking credit reports and we did both place a fraud alert. It doesn’t seem like anyone has tried to use the data, so the monitoring service was our first warning, but it’s hard to know whether anyone will try to use it in the future: for example it included my SSN, a close-but-not-correct birthdate, and an address (that’s actually a business address) I used 20+ years ago. Can anyone actually fraudulently obtain credit in my name with that handful of information?! I’m guessing not?

    4. Reba*

      I think the security benefit of password manager tools far outweighs the risk. The benefit is being able to easily follow best password practices and use strong, random, UNIQUE passwords for every site you use. Most password managers use an encryption structure such that even if they are breached, the hackers get access to encrypted data that is useless to them without the encryption key you have.
      You should also be using 2FA on every site that allows it.

      As for the data monitoring compensation offers, I did one in the past. Nowadays my banks offer some form of credit monitoring and I don’t bother with the monitoring service offers anymore.

    5. ampersand*

      I enrolled years ago in free credit reporting after a similar breach and have found it useful! I get what you mean though—seems like it’s a matter of time before any company’s site/personal data is hacked.

      Regarding password managers, I use one and still think it’s more secure than not using one. No more writing down passwords or not having secure enough passwords because it’s too hard to remember complicated ones. I think the advantages outweigh the potential risks.

  32. Invisible fish*

    This is city specific- if you’re in Houston, what are fun things to do in the area? I don’t mind driving to less highly trafficked areas, like Sugar Land, but I won’t take 45N or other packed freeways. I’m trying to get myself out of a rut and I need all the help I can get.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I haven’t been to Houston in a very long time, but when my folks lived there we’d visit the museums or drive down to Galveston for the seaside, shops, history…

      One hobby of mine that I’ve found helpful in finding unusual new spots: geocaching! If you’re into that at all you can check out the available caches in your area. A geocaching account is needed but the basic one is free, and if you have a smartphone it should have the necessary GPS capability. There are also “Adventure Labs” affiliated with geocaching, but not involving physical caches; instead, each lab will take you to four or five locations where you need to find answers to questions to log each stage. The labs are themed, some historical, some on interesting cemeteries or artworks or – well, whatever the creators want to highlight, and while some require driving from stage to stage, many are easily walkable. If you sign up on geocaching you can download the Adventure Lab app and see if any of the (many) ones in Houston are of interest. [Even plain old geocaching has taken me to parks that I’d never known about before, even though I’ve lived in the same city for 40 years…]

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Hmm, if you don’t want to get on the big highways, you don’t have that many options. The city is so spread out. But:
      Sugar Land has a fun AAA baseball stadium and team if you are into sports. There are few nice parks around the city, like Memorial Park and the Arboretum attached to it. The Arboretum is the particular favorite of mine. Brazos Bend State Park in Fort Bend Co is great too, for a daily trip into nature..
      Right now it’s the season of the various county fairs, look around, you may find some.
      Galveston is fine for a beach, but you really want to go farther to Pointe West for the better beach.
      A really off beat thing is to take a free boat tour through the Port of Houston.
      We have some very great museums too, I am sure you know. On Saturdays George Observatory in Brazos Bend hosts stargazing evenings.
      I also love exploring various “ethnic” grocery stores around town.

    3. Donkey Hotey*

      I haven’t been yet, but the #1 thing in my Houston list is Strange Bird. They offer a mashup of an escape room with interactive/immersive theater that makes me curious.

    4. dapfloodle*

      I miss the museums in Houston terribly. The art one, the modern art one that’s across the street from it, and the Menil are the ones I miss especially. But there are other great museums as well. And of course there’s the Rothko Chapel! And the Twombly museum! And I know you didn’t ask about this, but I really miss eating at/hanging out at the House of Pies!

    5. allx*

      Things to do in Houston:
      1. Inprint (a nonprofit) Writing Workshops and Classes. Moderately priced classes in creative written expression (poetry; memoir; fiction; etc) at the Inprint offices (Main/West Alabama area)
      2. Inprint’s Margarett Root Brown Reading Series. Readings by renowned writers from fall through spring. Considered one of the nation’s leading literary showcases, featuring award-winning fiction writers, poets, memoirists, and essayists. Authors I have heard in readings in the past are Karen Russell, Louise Erdrich, Annie Proulx, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Elizabeth Gilbert, Kazuo Ishiguro, Coleson Whitehead, Sandra Cisneros. The series is very well underwritten and general admission tickets are usually just $5. Reading locations are typically at downtown/near town venues like Alley Theater and Cullen Auditorium.
      3. Thrifting at charity shops. Some of the best: The Guild (on Dunlavy), Bluebird (West Alabama); Catholic Charities (off Westheimer by the curve).
      4. Rothko Chapel. A non-denominational/meditation space showcasing 14 Rothko paintings. Free. Adjacent to The Menil Collection. Rothko Chapel was damaged during Hurricane Beryl and is currently closed but leave it on the list to check out later when it reopens.
      5. The Menil Collection (3900 Yupon). Contemporary art museum. Free.
      6. Glenwood Cemetery. Off Washington. Beautiful treed, landscaped, peaceful cemetery and the resting ground for many past prominent Houston figures like William P. Hobby, James Baker (founder of Baker Botts), and Howard Hughes. Site of beautiful monumental architecture and statues, including the weeping angel.
      7. Spotts Park off Memorial Drive. Best park in Houston in my opinion. Nice place to picnic or just hang out.
      8. Discovery Green Park in downtown—lots of free events, concerts, festivals, gatherings, movies, concerts and more. Also has a splash pad.
      9. Market Square Park in downtown—lots of free events, farmers market, concerts and movies.
      10. Blaffer Art Museum at University of Houston. Always free.
      11. Heartily endorse the excellent suggestion of the Port of Houston Fire Boat tour of the Houston Ship Channel.
      12. Brazos Bend State Park for easy walking trails and alligators.

      I realize I am late posting and I hope that you see this. I will try to remember to repost next weekend.

  33. Bitte Meddler*

    For anyone who has participated in the “text out the vote” events, do the recipients see your personal cellphone number?

    1. Texan in exile on her phone*

      The system I used was online. I logged into that system and wrote and sent everything from my computer. It was not attached to my phone number.

      (But my husband notes that local candidates – who don’t have a lot of $$ – have just given him a list of names and numbers. So it depends on the campaign.)

      1. Bitte Meddler*

        Thanks! I asked the question after seeing your call to action on your latest blog post. :-)

        1. Texan in exile on her phone*

          Wow I am so honored! Thank you!

          And yes there are definitely people who are tired of the texts and calls, but my experience from the other side of calling, texting, and knocking doors is that it is always worth it. Always.

          I have been doing this for more than a decade and although there are always people who don’t want to interact, there are more people who do want to have a conversation and learn more about my candidate. Sometimes, you talk to people who are already planning to vote for your candidate but want to donate. (Yes!) Sometimes, I give people information about the new absentee voting rules. Sometimes, undecided voters don’t want to talk but will take the information about my candidate.

          And for texting and calling, I have always been in programs where we respect the STOP messages. Even with doors, if the name on my MiniVan list has an opponent’s yard sign, I don’t bother knocking and I make a note in the person’s record. None of us have any interest in wasting our time.

    2. Qwerty*

      Depends on whether the organization has received consent from the people it is texting. Having volunteers text people from their personal cell phones allows the org to avoid regulations around text campaigns.

      If the text message is coming from the org (either robo-text or manually entered) it has to have all the normal regulatory pieces like options to unsubscribe, which personal messages do not require. This route will probably avoid using some app that routes the texts through the orgs numbers because the software will be tracking who replies with STOP or gives consent for future messages.

      If you are asking because you are want to hide your personal phone number…perhaps consider the irony as you send unsolicited messages to strangers on their personal numbers.

      1. anon24*

        I am so fed up with the amount of texts, postcards, and letters I have gotten from volunteers from both political parties. I live in a no soliciting community and I even woke up one afternoon (night shifter/day sleeper) to find that someone had apparently come up to my apartment on the top floor of my building to knock on the door and leave a note asking me to call them to discuss a political candidate. They’re damned lucky they didn’t wake me up.

        I wish everyone would just stop. I’m definitely voting, because it’s important, but no text will convince me to vote one way or the other, and honestly every text I get makes me want to vote less and less. I’ve talked to some people who aren’t voting because they feel so harassed they’re just opting out entirely. I feel like it’s hurting more than it’s helping.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          It’s rare for me to see any ads or getting any texts, because usually my state is not contested. But one local race is competitive this year, and omg, the ads! So many ads! Plus, I donated to a campaign and so many e-mails! It’s a whack -a -mole, you unsubscribe from one list, another one sends you an e-mail.
          And texts.
          I wish I could report unsolicited texts and emails to someone. And those people get fined. I consider them a spam, even if they come from the party I am going to vote for.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Whatever. It’s an annoyance that I cannot imagine would persuade people to vote, or sway their vote.

      2. Bitte Meddler*

        I have considered the irony. Thanks for your concern. I get unsolicited political texts every day. What I don’t get are revenge texts, angry phone calls, or doxxed because someone who received an unsolicited political text is actually an unhinged extremist.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Yes. I get texts coming from local personal numbers. I block them mercilessly and report as spam.

  34. Qwerty*

    Has anyone used a GenAI tool like ChatGPT but where your data was private and not used for training? I wanted to try out using it to assist with writing some things because I get stuck on phrasing but it includes personal information that I can’t genericize out. Reseach on this topic is confusing so I was hoping to tap into someone’s personal experience. Or are there settings on ChatGPT so I could ask it things without the data being stored/used for training? I don’t have a strong enough computer to run a LLM locally, but I’d consider trying out low cost paid subscription if needed.

    1. Bitte Meddler*

      I don’t know of any GenAI tool that doesn’t use your data, except the expensive ones that companies have purchased to use internally (hosted on their own servers).

      Are you 100% you can’t anonymize your info? Change names, genders, ages, etc.?

    2. Harlowe*

      I use an AI transcription service in my freelancing, and EU companies are far better about privacy than US companies (I assume due to GDPR). So I’d suggest focusing your search by region.

    3. I used to have a username*

      Qwerty, I just attended a lecture that happened to mention using ChatGPT for private information. The speaker said there’s a mode called Private Mode or possibly Temporary Chat (or both- she was going fast) that can be used for this purpose. It means that Chat GPT won’t use the data for its own learning (and there were a few other things that Chat GPT will/won’t do with these modes).

    4. DistantAudacity*

      If you have an Enterprise Id for CoPilot (i.e. business paid version) your data is not used for training (at least in the EU, which has stricter regulations on this). I don’t know if they have a version that’s suitable for private individuals.

      If you use the «free» version, you pay for it by Microsoft using your inputs.

    5. Almost Academic*

      [Full disclosure, one of the big LLM companies is my place that shall not be named]

      Here’s an article with a table overviewing some of the different major systems, and comparing their data privacy practices (not written by me), that may be helpful:

      https://medium.com/@michael_79773/ai-assistant-privacy-what-claude-chatgpt-and-gemini-users-should-now-7d3f5cae9e5d

      As other posters mention, data practices may vary by jurisdiction given the larger emphasis on data privacy that, e.g., EU has in place.

  35. Harlowe*

    What is your “weird but successful” clean-out-the-pantry recipe?

    Last night I used frozen lobster bisque as a pseudo-alfredo sauce over penne, and it was surprisingly good (but a bit salty).

    Tonight I am making breakfast sandwiches from old muffins, a ham steak, eggs, and shredded taco-mix cheddar.

    1. Blue Cactus*

      I can usually toss together a pasta dish out of almost anything! Pasta for me is the universal dish staple.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Tonight it’s going to be chicken sandwiches from defrosting breasts, “need to eat ASAP” onion rolls, with the side of also “need to eat ASAP” yellow squash and cauliflower.
      Of pantry specific, then it’s canned pinto or black beans over rice. Cook then with enough onion, garlic, spices, some tomato paste, and they are great. Or basic pasta sauce from diced tomatoes, canned mushrooms, can throw in frozen corn, peas, green beans.

    4. LBD*

      I use up bits of condiments in meatloaf. I rinse the mustard and ketchup bottles, add bits of chutney or relish, and other seasonings. I add ground flax seed or wheat germ, and sometimes grated bits of vegetables.
      I use up bits of canned or dried fruit, cooked grains, grated or cottage cheese, etc, in muffins. I have also made cookies with leftover porridge, and I was given a recipe for ‘crumb’ cookies from a group of older women who volunteered with kid’s programs, where cookies were fed to the children as a snack. They would collect all the cookie crumbs left in the packages from the donated homemade cookies, and use it instead of part of the flour in a new batch, as they didn’t want to waste them!
      Yes, there were a lot of cookies producing enough crumbs for more batches of cookies!
      Yes, it was a long time ago, in a different world, where allergies and food safe weren’t a consideration!

    5. AGD*

      I’d finished a jar of roasted peppers and didn’t want to just throw out the liquid at the bottom so I tossed it into a soup with miso and a few spices. It was absolutely delicious.

    6. Mystery*

      Slow cooker chili. Almost any veggie can be added. Ends of hot sauce, salsa, tomato based pasta sauce go in. The accompanying carb can be bread, potato, waffles, pasta, spaghetti squash…..

    7. Generic Name*

      When my granny was dying, my mom, aunt, and I were basically keeping vigil at her house until she died. Being good midwestern women, we decided to clean out her cupboards and fridge. So one night we made pasta with stewed tomatoes. Which would have been fine, but as we were eating, we realized the pasta was fairly stale. So we looked at the box to see the expiration date and discovered a price tag from a grocery store that had closed ten years prior. Eeek!

    8. dapfloodle*

      Quiche or fried rice, depending on the specific ingredients. Of course, there are also omelets/pizza. But I guess fried rice happens most often.

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Omelettes with leftovers etc in them. Stirfries. Pastas. If I have leftover meat with a sauce/gravy, I saute onions and other vegetables then add the cut up meat and sauce. Quesadillas and burritos. Cheese covers and unites a multitude of “kitchen sink” foods!

  36. Blue Cactus*

    Craft thread! What are you working on?

    I finished a cabled blanket I’ve been working on for over a year this week, just in time to cast on for my best friend’s wedding shawl! I’m so thrilled to make her something gorgeous to celebrate her and her fiance. Bonus is that I finally had an excuse to buy the Fleegle beading tool, which I would highly recommend to any knitters who want to do a lot of bead placement in knitting!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just got back from the fiber festival and acquired too much fluff :)

      Current projects:
      I’m crocheting a queen-sized blanket of hexagons for my guest room (because it sounded more interesting than buying different-colored sheets and also my husband told me that navy and green couldn’t go together and I felt the need to prove him wrong) – I’m crocheting the hexagons in strips (sort of) and I’m currently on strip 18 of 24, then I have to stitch them together and add a border. This one is my main focus because I want to get it done before I lose momentum :P
      I’m spinning a braid of purple-and-green fluff, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it when it’s done.
      I found some old WIPs that I’m never going to finish a couple weeks ago and have a giant yarn tangle wound onto my weasel that I’m working on detangling (that counts, right?) so I can finish frogging the WIP and re-wind the yarn to put it back in the stash.
      I’m getting ready to prep the yarn either this afternoon or tomorrow to start knitting a pair of socks for my husband.
      I also joined a mystery knitalong for a cowl that started on Monday, but apparently forgot about it until the first clue landed in my mailbox, so I also theoretically need to swatch for that and get started on it.
      I have a set of towels on my rigid heddle loom (1 down, working on #2, there’s 4 planned for this warp) that I need to get back to.

      1. Qwerty*

        Apologies for spamming you with questions – your crafts sounds interesting! Are you saying that you make your own yarn from fibers or does “fluff” refer to delightfully fuzzy yarn? Turning fluff into yarn sounds super cool, I’d love to learn more!

        I just looked up a heddle loom and now I badly want one despite not having a use for anything recommended to make on it, it just seems relaxing!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I mean fluff as a generic term for wool or other fibers that I plan to spin into yarn, yes :) I learned to crochet when I was 5 and to knit when I was 22 or so, and I took up spinning and weaving both earlier this year. I’m not terribly coordinated and have some joint trouble so I struggle with properly operating a traditional foot pedaled spinning wheel, but I have two e-spinners (an Electric Eel Wheel Nano2 and an EEW 6.1) and love them both. Aside from the rigid heddle loom, I also have an antique floor loom – I was scheduled for a workshop on how to use a multi-shaft loom a couple weeks ago but nobody else signed up so they rescheduled it to November.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Yesterday, I finished a quilt-top that will go to a DV center once it’s quilted.

      I’m SIX ROWS from finishing a pair of knit socks. Cabled socks. I’ll be really, really glad to get those done.

      What I *should* be doing is sorting and packing both knitting and sewing stuff for my impending move… I am definitely in SABLE territory for both: Stash Accumulation Beyond Life Expectancy.

    3. Qwerty*

      I’m making earrings with the FIRST robotics logo to give away at the next event. They are fun and dangly and are forcing me to learn how to use my 3D printer.

      With cold weather coming it, I’m also getting back into knitting baby blankets for Project Linus.

      Appreciate the recommendation of the beading tool! Never tried adding beading to knitting but I’ll probably spend the next 30min getting ideas on Pinterest :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Haha, spinning tools and accessories are what have me impatiently pestering my husband to get the 3d printer up and running :)

      2. Blue Cactus*

        It’s so fun! Especially lovely for lace, the beads give the fabric a little more heft and weight and it really enhances the drape. I recommend Fire Mountain Gems for an unreal variety of beads.

    4. Knighthope*

      I’m working on my second Sashiko from a kit. It’s a great way to try some of the many stitching patterns.

    5. HannahS*

      I am nearly done a new Kiehlo dress, in plain black cotton-spandex. I shortened it due to fabric restrictions, so it’ll hit just below the knee. All I have left is the neckband and hems. I LOVE this pattern; this is my third one and I have fourth one cued up next. It’s almost as easy as a t-shirt to make, very very comfortable, easily adapted for weight fluctuation, and looks pretty classy.

    6. Not That Jane*

      Weather blanket with hexagons for each day, at my son’s request (crochet). We’re about halfway through the planned size, so it’s starting to look “real.”

      Also trying to think of small things I can make as mini crochet day brighteners for my volunteer gig at the hospital. So far I’ve made a few small crochet flowers to hand out when someone happens to be asleep when I visit… but I’d love to branch out to small mandalas or something?

      1. Zephy*

        A friend of mine has cranked out about 30 little amigurumi/crochet cats. Extremely cute, very versatile. I don’t crochet so I can’t speak to how difficult they are, but she’s made multiple of them in a single day, so I don’t imagine they’re that hard? I think her plan is to hand them out in lieu of/in addition to candy for Halloween.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you look on Etsy, you can find amigurumi patterns for all KINDS of little stuffies.

    7. AGD*

      Bought cotton yarn for a baby blanket. It’s light gray, which is slightly boring, but will also be non-risky in the washing machine. Playing around with possible patterns now. Probably alternating lace squares of some kind.

    8. Zephy*

      My SIL is due with her first baby in April, so I want to cross-stitch a birth announcement for her. She and her husband are into bugs, and since this will be a spring baby, my immediate thought was “wildflowers and pollinators.” I’m not finding a premade pattern that’s exactly what I’m looking for, so I guess I’ll need to freestyle it. I just picked up cross-stitch last year, so I’ve only been at it for some months and maybe this is a really ambitious project for someone at my level, but it doesn’t seem that hard.

  37. Double A*

    Tl;Dr: I’m looking for tips for the easiest possible home composting options.

    We live in the country on 5 acres, so have plenty of room for a home composting set up that would not bug the neighbors even if it was stinky or attracted animals, but of course would not want either of those to be an issue. I don’t garden (maybe someday) so for now this I just to redirect food scraps from landfills. I just scatter the compost once it’s decomposed.

    I have a closed spinning barrel type composter but it’s kind of gross to load and unload and I’m not very good at balancing what I put into it. I got it because I was concerned about critters getting into the scraps. Since I don’t like the barrel, we probably compost like 25% or less of our scraps and I’d like to improve that.

    Tips?

    1. GoryDetails*

      When you have the space, cold-composting may be the easiest option. Set up a couple of bins (wire fence panels, wooden pallets) to contain them, and just dump your food scraps in one. If you have a supply of fallen leaves you can mound those up nearby and scatter a layer over your scraps, but you don’t have to. (You can omit the fencing, too, and just make a compost pile.) When one bin gets full (or pile gets large), start putting your scraps in the next bin/pile, and let the first one settle on its own. Might take months or even multiple seasons, depending on where you live and how many scraps you produce, but it will eventually be reduced. (I use this method myself; as a single person I don’t create tons of food scraps, so my pile doesn’t grow very fast, and I just leave it to melt away on its own. Eventually I may shovel it out and start over, but as of now I don’t need to give it a second thought.)

      Now, if you want garden-safe compost, you’d need to be more careful about layers and internal heat and whatnot, to kill off microbes. But if you’re just scattering the resulting dirt it doesn’t matter so much – though you might wind up with volunteer tomatoes popping up!

    2. office hobbit*

      My setup is incredibly simple and takes almost no maintenance from me. Caveat that I don’t compost meat or dairy, but I do compost eggs. I also assume critters get into it, but I live in a fairly dense residential neighborhood and critters are already around eating from my neighbors’ bird feeders etc., so I don’t think I’m attracting anything that wouldn’t already be here. (But I did put the bin as far from my house as I can.)

      I don’t want to send a link into moderation right now, but look up “lee valley compost brackets” and “this old house compost bin.” What I built looks basically like that. To balance wet and dry materials, I add torn up egg cartons and packing paper from online orders. Cardboard will also compost, it just takes a little longer. I don’t really bother with turning it, maybe once every several months. If you add things in layers the worms will take care of it.

      You can also look up lasagna compost or sheet compost–other super easy compost methods. I converted some lawn to flower beds this way. It doesn’t sound like you need that for gardening purposes, but there may be something in those methods that you can adapt.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Ours is nothing fancy – a big plastic trash barrel with holes drilled in the bottom and a tight fitting lid.

      We let things rot down in there until they are no longer tempting to animals, and then dump it in a big pile in the back to aerate and mix with the yard waste.

      We don’t worry too much about the recipe, but we do throw shredded paper and other “browns” in from time to time, and of course the yard waste is full of dry leaves.

      There is a lot of noise out there about the “correct” way to compost, but honestly as long as the worms and things can get at it, it doesn’t matter all that much unless you’re in a hurry and need it to go fast. It all winds up the same way eventually.

    4. Can’t Remember What Name I Use*

      I compost using two large Rubbermaid trashcans with lids (handles lock the lids in place). I drilled rows of holes about 2 inches apart around each. Start using only one – dump your compostable food scraps along with some grass clippings, leaves and occasionally sprinkle with water. I stir it with a metal rod (I think it was a dandelion puller in a previous life) about once a month. Because the lid is secure, I occasionally lay it on its side and roll it around to stir. At some point, I switch to putting new scraps in the other can so the compost in the first can cure – that will take many months.

      The first year the cans were outside but that was not ideal in winter so they now live in my garage. I used most of my first batch of compost this summer in a new flower garden.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve had a backyard bin for many years, shared with my neighbors in my building. Like you, the purpose is to divert waste from the landfill that doesn’t take time fussing with it. We avoid putting in meat and dairy, but fish bones and everything else such as coffee filters are okay. We typically have five people using it. It filled up only once when we had seven.

      Everything decomposes in place. We use the method of layering “browns” over the food we dump into it. You could use dead leaves, straw, etc. I’m in an urban area and my next door neighbor has a large tree that drops its leaves in the fall. She’s happy because I rake them up every year. I put a year’s worth of dried brown material in a metal garbage can, and then toss a handful into our compost about once a week.

      We’re using a plastic vertical bin that sits on the ground. When you set it up, the key is to put metal mesh on the bottom and on the lower part of the sides to keep animals from digging under it. (I’m assuming you don’t have bears, which would just be a compost buffet.)

      I looked online and found the one we have, the Soil Saver Compost Bin, still going strong after 15+ years. We drilled a few extra holes in it when we set it up to increase airflow. Another one I see that’s the same style is the Temu Outsunny Garden Compost Bin, which appears to have more holes for air.

      Where I live in the SF Bay Area, the moisture in the compost and winter rains are enough to have it do its thing on its own. If you live in a very dry climate, you’d want to add a little water periodically.

      As a naturalist, I love our compost bin. I enjoy watching the whole process and the tiny critters crawling around and it requires zero maintenance. Good luck.

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      We have a worm bin in our basement, which I find quite easy if you are just doing vegetable food scraps. Before that, I just dug a hole in my backyard and buried my compostable food material. My sister in law, who is a Master Compostet, recommended it as the simplest way to compost.

    7. Samwise*

      I have an open bottomed compost bin. I almost never take out compost, I’m just aiming to keep compostables out of the trash. I don’t turn it. I don’t stir it or wet it or worry about greens and browns. It just cooks down, especially in spring and summer. NC piedmont, it’s warm and humid.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That’s pretty much my system also. If you’re not planning to use the compost for anything, letting it do its thing works fine. I add dead leaves occasionally just to speed up the process a bit so it doesn’t fill up with multiple people using it.

    8. HannahS*

      If you’re willing to spend money on the easiest possible solution, there’s a type of bin called a Green Cone. It’s essentially a basket that is buried underground, with a pest-proof cone-shaped bin on top. It’s designed so that you can chuck in almost all kitchen waste including dairy and meat, without worrying about “balancing” with yard waste. If your goal is to simply divert food waste, something like that is probably the lowest effort option. We actually had very large ones in various outdoor spaces on my university campus. It was a bit stinky in hot weather, but not worse than any other garbage.

    9. JR17*

      It’s expensive, but the Lomi countertop composter looks like the easiest option. It’s like an appliance – you add scraps during the day, press a button, and have dirt in the morning. But I don’t know how much volume it takes vs how much volume you produce.

    10. Daphne*

      Gross to unload finished compost?

      Does it have enough drainage and ventilation holes? Finished compost should be pretty similar to soil. It should not smell or be too soggy or have fragments of uncomposed scraps in it.

      My suggestion is to get a second turning barrel. The best compost stations have multiple bins. You fill up one, then you stop putting new stuff in it (but keep rotating it) and start filling the second one. Note of fullness–make sure there is still room for the contents to mix around when you turn it. If you really produce a lot of compost, you might need a third, but it doesn’t sound like you produce that much.

      By the time the second one if full, the first one should be completely done, look like soil, not smell, and not be any grosser to handle than a similar volume of garden soil. So you empty it, and it becomes the one you fill. Then you just alternate which one is decomposing while the other one is getting new scraps.

      An option I have used successfully with no smell or grossness is an open top and open bottom enclosure of some kind. You can just nail some 2x4s together into a square. Again, you need two. The open bottom allows excess moisture to drain to the ground below. The open top makes it easy to toss new scraps in. To make it unattractive to critters, you bury the new scraps with finished compost or soil. When it’s buried, it doesn’t smell, so the critters don’t see it as a source of food. You need to bury it well, however, with a few inches of soil on top, not just a scattering. Leaves are good as part of the covering layer, but they aren’t enough on their own to contain smells and make it uninteresting to critters. These bins need to be stirred now and then, which is a lot of work and kind of a downside. You can also toss some worms into bins like this, which will accelerate the decomposition. The worms find their own level to have burrows and come to the surface when new food arrives. As I described above, you fill up one, then you start on the other and alternate as each is finished.

  38. Happy Counter*

    Search for “Green Cone Solar Digester System”. It might be more than you need, but for ease of use combined with no mess/smell/critter attraction, it could be a good fit.

    You could do a DIY version of it, if you don’t want to buy the system.

    You could do a simple trench method, but that has potential mess and critter problems.

    Yay for composting! I do three different types myself, but I’m a keen gardener in a community with a curbside composting program.

  39. anon24*

    TL;DR My cat has pretty much stopped using the litterbox entirely, I’ve run out of ideas, and I live in a disgusting home that smells like cat urine and I’m ashamed and feel like I’m losing my sanity

    I’ve had issues with him in the past deciding that he doesn’t want to use the litter box and would rather pee in front of the box, or on a towel in the bathroom, but it was always temporary or if I just kept the bathroom door just and closed off access he would go right back to using his box.

    Now he absolutely refuses to use it. He’s been peeing on my carpeted floor, and I have spent so much money and literally dozens of hours scrubbing urine out of it. I’m a renter too, so if the landlord finds out I’m going to get evicted. It was mostly in a specific spot, so I piled a bunch of things over the spot so he couldnt physically get to it, but now he’s just peeing other places. Every room in my apartment has been peed in, he’s peeing on my stuff, my entire home smells like pee, my stuff smells like pee, I smell like pee.

    I cannot figure out why he’s doing this and it is absolutely destroying my mental health. I work 16 hour shifts and I absolutely dread coming home because I know I’m going to be scrubbing cat urine out of my floor when I get home. I had a complete breakdown yesterday and could not stop crying. I hate the smell of cat pee. I hate having a dirty home. I can’t function when it’s not clean or if things don’t smell good. This has already been the worst year of my life and this is just not helping.

    He’s acting like he’s afraid of the litter box and gets extremely anxious every time he goes near it. I’ve tried changing litter, buying a different box, moving the box, coaxing him into the box, giving treats/love/pets around the box. He does not want anything to do with it.

    I don’t have a vet because I recently moved and I cannot afford to take him to the vet right now because I have a razor thin budget and just had a $2,000 car repair that I had to work dozens of hours of OT to pay off, but I contacted a vet anyway to set up an appointment and am waiting to hear back.

    Until then, does anyone have any recommendations? He seems very anxious the past few days but not ill or in pain, and it’s been an off and on issue for so long I don’t think I need to rush him to an emergency hospital. I’ve tried Feliway in the past and it never made a difference. I am tempted to lock him in my bathroom to at least contain the mess to one space that doesn’t have carpets, but I’m also worried that it will make his anxiety even worse because he panics if he is confined.

    1. GoryDetails*

      You really need to get him to a vet, if you can manage it – and if not, perhaps see if any local rescue organizations can help. It sounds as though he may have a health problem that causes pain during urination, which can make a cat averse to litter boxes as the original “source” of the pain. If it’s a urinary tract infection it might not be that expensive to treat, but whatever it is, the cat’s in distress.

      [If you’d moved recently, or acquired another pet, or had some other situation that might cause stress to the cat, that would be worth looking into, but from what you posted it sounds like a health problem.]

      1. anon24*

        I moved in April after my ex left me. My ex was my cats best buddy, and when we were together we were home a lot and my cat got a lot of attention. Now that it’s just me I have to work a lot of hours and I’m not home very often. So I think that is some of the issue, but I do agree that I’m worried about it being a urinary tract issue. If I don’t hear from the vet by Monday afternoon I’ll give them a call and see how soon they can get him in. I hate seeing him stressed out and obviously I don’t want to be dealing with this.

    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      Can you try a cat leash? I’ve had a cat, and I’ve known others, that would only go outside.

      Our cat was originally an indoor cat, but after I had babies she started peeing usually in their laundry or on their board books, but also in my laundry, my closet, and a certain pair of my husband’s shoes. Once she was allowed outside, she stopped doing all that.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      So sorry, this sounds awful.
      I just can’t see any way to start fixing this until he goes to the vet. There will very likely be labs needed, so it probably will have that added expense.
      The fact that you are seeing him act afraid of the litter box makes it seem most likely that it’s a health problem (a UTI if you’re lucky, urinary calculi if you’re not). That IS the way they show pain. If it was more mental upset from life changes, I doubt you’d be seeing that.
      Maybe you can call all your local animal charities and humane societies looking for very low cost emergency vet care, or a grant to help with the costs? Or ask friends/family for a loan?
      I have also seen some pretty drastic price differences between urban vets and vets out in the boonies. If you are able to drive or get a ride, prices away from urban centers might be easier to pay?
      Otherwise I hate to say, it might be reasonable now to surrender him, to get him healthcare quickly and alleviate his suffering.
      Sadly, the very best outcome— a UTI that resolves quickly with antibiotics— may still leave you with a cat who won’t use a litter box. That can so easily become a firm habit/fixed trauma response, which can be really difficult and time consuming (or impossible) to reverse. Especially because the unavoidable lingering smell of urine in all those different spots will be a persistent invitation. (Finding a barn-cat home is sometimes the only way to avoid behavioral euthanasia for cats that end up habituated to spraying in the house. Sorry to bring up the worst possibility.)
      Again, so much sympathy, and best wishes.

      1. anon24*

        Thank you for this! I did check online with the local humane society a few weeks ago and they don’t cover care for advanced issues like urinary problems. The issue seemed to resolve itself then but started back up about a week ago. Worse comes to worse I’d consider surrendering him to my ex, but I wouldn’t give him up to anyone else. He’s 8 and is generally very people shy except for my ex and I and I think it genuinely might kill him to be rehomed. He’s also terrified of the outdoors except going out with me on my balcony (he was a stray and he’s hated the outdoors since we found him as a kitten) so being an outdoors cat wouldn’t be a great fit for him. He likes to observe the world from the comfort of his window and blankets :) Aside from all this, he truly is just the best cat and I love him so much.

        At this point I am prepared to go into debt if I have to. Its obviously not my first choice, but if I have to get a personal loan or run up my credit card I will. He can’t advocate for himself so he needs me to do it for him. I honestly feel like a failure for letting it go on this long but it seemed like it was getting better and it’s just been a year. It’s easy to convince yourself to push things off a little longer when you personally are to the point of partially living off of free food at work and looking up food banks.

        1. Unkempt Flatware*

          In the meantime, apply apple cider vinegar liberally to a cotton ball and rub on his front paws twice a day. He’ll lick it off and it will help address some urinary issues.

            1. Unkempt Flatware*

              Yes, it is. This was recommended by my vet when my last cat of 23 years was struggling with a similar issue and there was a gap between when I could get him into the office. Not sure what kitty answers’s issue is.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          If you really can’t afford it I would suggest surrendering him to your ex–it’s terrible but he knows and loves her. But she’d have to be able to afford taking over his care. This does sound like a vet issue.

          You’re not a failure! This is a hard thing to deal with! Our cat has stomach issues that keep going on and off and we’re about to try a third medication and hoping it will work because either it’s incurable or he’ll need surgery and…

          You aren’t doing anything wrong. You’re advocating for your beloved pet and working hard for him.

    4. tabloidtainted*

      This is almost always due to pain or illness, and his reaction to the box suggests pain. Cats are extremely effective at masking. You will not realize how much they’re suffering until it’s absolutely impossible for them to hide it.

      Until you can get to the vet (and this is an urgent vet situation), let him find that “one spot” where he likes to pee again and then see if he’ll go there if you’ve got a pee pad on the spot. Layer up the pee pads as much as you need to—they’re great for soaking up the urine.

      1. I didn't say banana*

        I agree, until the problem can be solved, you need to cover your carpet in something protective. Disposable mattress covers (for kids beds), washable picnic rugs, old towels, puppy pee pads etc. Maybe he has to be shut in one room but your mental health needs protecting.

    5. kitty answers*

      I’m so sorry you and your cat are going through this. It sounds so stressful and miserable for you both.

      I agree with the other commenters that you should see a vet as soon as you can.

      Your cat’s stress is almost certainly playing a role in this. A vet explained it to me like this: just how humans’ digestive system is affected by stress, a cat’s urinary system is affected by stress. The change from having people around all day to being home alone most of the day may have been stressful enough to be a factor (and continue to be a factor). At this point, your cat’s stress is probably also caused by not being able to hide his waste and by sensing your mood, so those stressors will improve once the urinating can be fixed. But if you find the condition doesn’t improve even with treatment, he may be stressed by being alone. If your cat would be alone less and have a happier home environment if you surrendered him to your ex, I think you should seriously consider that. I’m sorry. (On the flip side, if your ex now has other pets or loud or stressy household members, then that would likely be worse.) You know your cat’s personality so you’ll know what he needs.

      I also think this is worth going into debt for. And please do not feel at all bad about using food banks for yourself. I donate to mine so that people won’t have to choose between feeding themselves and taking care of other necessities, and if you were in my community, I would want you to use the foodbank so you could care for your cat.

      Also, is it possible to ask your ex for help paying? Disregard this completely if your ex is dangerous. But if it’s only shame or pride that’s keeping you from asking, I would ask. If I were in your ex’s shoes, I wouldn’t want our pet to be suffering if I could help it. Again, you know the situation and I don’t, so ignore this if it’s not applicable.

      Finally, my cat was diagnosed with chronic idiopathic UTIs recently, which means they’re probably caused by stress and he’s supposed to eat a prescription diet forever. For reference for you, the emergency vet visit was about $300 (would have been closer to $500 if they could get a urine sample to run another test, but my boy was “too wiggly”). When he had a second flare-up, I think it was about $200 at my normal vet. I’m in a medium sized city on the west coast. The prescription food is expensive, about $3 per 5.5oz can, but it has completely helped (the second flare-up was a month after his initial diagnosis, and after I changed some things up to ensure he gets enough water in addition to the prescription diet, he hasn’t had another flare-up for over six months now).

      Good luck, and again, I’m very sorry.

    6. anon24*

      Thanks everyone for your replies! I actually ended up calling off work tonight because I wasn’t feeling well and was around to keep an eye on him and he really wasn’t acting his normal self and seemed to be getting worse, so I loaded him up and we’re at the emergency vet now. There’s about a 6 hour wait so I’ll be here all night, but hopefully we can figure out what’s going on.

        1. anon24*

          Just got home a little bit ago. We’re both exhausted :)

          Urinalysis came back clean, so they think it’s anxiety and maybe some depression. I’m glad that it’s not physical in nature but also I feel like that also might be easier to treat and get past. They gave me gabapentin for now to help treat any real or imagined pain he’s having and also to help sedate him a little bit, and also the names of some vets that are good in dealing with behavioral issues and said to call first thing Monday morning, tell them what happened, and try to get an appointment ASAP.

          Since we’ve been home he actually looks a little better than he did before I took him in. He’s still definitely a little anxious, but it looks like the normal post vet roaming the house he’s done his entire life. I personally have not been feeling well and spent the whole vet visit running off to the bathroom vomiting from what I think is either from a migraine I’ve been fighting or just plain stress from wanting him to be healthy, so I pre-emptively called off work again for tonight (sorry captain, lol) and am planning to just spend the day snuggling and giving him as calm and relaxing a day as possible.

          Again, thanks everyone for all the good advice. I’m going to try to make a conscious effort to calm down about the whole situation so that he doesn’t pick up stressed or angry vibes from me and we’ll get through this as best we can. He and my other cat are kind of all I have in this world right now and the thought of rehoming him just kills me.

          1. Frieda*

            I’m glad you were able to get some peace of mind, at least.

            I also had a cat who peed on clothes and boy, I hear you about that awful feeling of smelling like cat pee out in the world. Just a couple small suggestions for that end of things: if you can keep one part of your home cat free (maybe the bathroom? A spare shower curtain rod might serve as emergency clothes storage in a pinch depending on your bathroom) and store clothes in there, that may help short-term. We also put clothes in baskets up high where the cat was less able to get to them. Plastic bins would also work – you could go “capsule wardrobe” and keep most of your clothes out of rotation for a while in bins and store the ones you’re using day-to-day outside of the kitty’s range.

            You may have tried all of this so ignore me if that’s the case but it can be a little bit easier to manage the situation if you can control that one infuriating aspect.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I came back to this because I’ve been thinking about it, and I see that you’ve updated and are at the vet. I really hope they figure it out and can address the issue easily. But please remember to put on your own oxygen mask first. It sounds like maybe you and the cat would both be happier if your ex took custody.

    8. Phoebe Nix*

      I agree with the idea of covering the carpet/walls. Is there *any* pattern to how he pees? Maybe you can use that. Mine occasionally pees on plastic bags full of things she thinks smell like litter so I would set up a plastic bag area with a tarp/pee pads all around if she started refusing the litter box, while working it out with the antianxiety meds. If he’s happy enough in one room with a window and cat tree I agree about keeping him there while you work this out. I’m sorry you ended up at the emergency vet for what I agree was unlikely to be urgent, and I hope this community of well-intended cat lovers didn’t push you to rush to urgent care; kind of the worst of all worlds, in that it’s generally more expensive than a vet visit and often not as thorough since they’re looking to put out fires not manage a chronic illness :( Have you tried very different types of litter boxes? Enclosed/not enclosed, very different types of litter – for the baby fosters I just use an XL tupperware lid full of feline pine because they’re still figuring it out and climbing in/out can be a barrier. If he’s decided he’s mad at the box something that feels very different from the box might help. With a tarp down it would still be less mess than the current situation. I assume you have the (relatively cheap) enzymatic catpee cleaners – they will smell the old spray and it reinforces the behavior otherwise.

    9. strawberry lemonade*

      Saw your update and hoping that things are improved. I also really recommend Anti-Icky Poo as an enzyme cleaner—it’s really really effective and hopefully can help you feel better in your space.

    10. Girasol*

      Once you’ve ruled out medical issues, what about Feliway to reduce his stress? If the move and losing your husband stressed him badly and he’s acting out, Feliway might calm him.

      1. Retirednew*

        I can recommend feliway, especially if the gabapentin doesn’t have much effect. We have a cat who is chronically anxious who gets up at night in hell’s or pee next to the box. Gabapentin helps a little bit, but with his finally worked is a comfort zone plug-in that we leave on all the time in the bedroom. She’s much calmer and has a good appetite.

      2. anon24*

        I’ve tried Feliway in the past and it never seemed to have any effects at all.

        We spent most of the day in bed together sleeping. He was very content. I woke up around dinner time and was doing some things when I heard litter being moved around and he was in his litter box happily peeing away. I’m not holding my breath that it’s a miraculous fix and we’re all better, but I’ll take any small steps in the right direction.

        1. Former Continual Cat Pee Cleaner Upperer*

          We had a beloved cat who peed around the house. The vet prescribed special food to assist with urinary tract health and Clomicalm tablets to help with stress. Maybe leave on a tv or radio when you’re at work to help reduce sense of loneliness for kitty. Wishing you all the best! You are doing great and will get through this hard time!

  40. tabloidtainted*

    This is almost always due to pain or illness, and his reaction to the box suggests pain. Cats are extremely effective at masking. You will not realize how much they’re suffering until it’s absolutely impossible for them to hide it.

    Until you can get to the vet (and this is an urgent vet situation), let him find that “one spot” where he likes to pee again and then see if he’ll go there if you’ve got a pee pad on the spot. Layer up the pee pads as much as you need to—they’re great for soaking up the urine.

  41. I don't post often*

    I have a weird problem, and I will take any suggestions!

    I live on a quiet street in small town. Children ride bikes, neighbors walk, the “after dinner” time period sees us congregating in yards discussing happenings and days events. We love it.

    Here is my issue: My next door neighbor is a sweet old lady who is married and has lots of family, but is clearly lonely. When I see her, she talks non-stop, without breathing (I am not kidding!) blowing from topic to topic, while I nod. I want to be a person she can rely on to talk to (because the thought of being elderly and lonely just breaks my heart), BUT I only see her when I do not at all have time for such discussions. Think: In the morning while I am walking the dog and the school bus is coming in 5 minutes, or when I am going for my exercise walk during my 45 minute lunch break (timed just right so I can walk, shower, dress, grab food and be back on Teams for video calls).

    I am not sure how to be friendly, a smiling face for her, but also set some clear boundaries….. Any ideas?

    1. Ali + Nino*

      I think you have to just keep it moving. Smile over your shoulder and wave as you continue to run here or there, if you do have time for a couple minutes chat make that clear when you start, and then stick to your own established deadline, etc. You mentioned that she has a lot of family, so presumably she’s not lacking opportunities to speak to others? Whether or not those are fulfilling conversations/relationships seems like a burden you don’t need to take on. just my two cents!

    2. office hobbit*

      I think you can just say you’re on a schedule! Keep it moving like Ali + Nino says, plus something like “I have to run so I can get back to work on time, nice chatting!” And if you see her after work or on the weekends, you can indulge her more then. Hopefully she’ll remember that you’re the nice neighbor who has a strict schedule and she’ll get used to your shorter workday hello’s.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Look, if you really want to undertake this project, tell her you can’t stop to talk now but you and she should go for a walk soon. Pick a clear time that you’ll meet her. Do not give her your phone number or invite her over.

      You’re going to need to set your boundaries upfront – “I have to pick up the kids at 4, so we have about half an hour before I need to get back.” If you do this, you can decide afterward if that was a one-off or if you have the energy to do it again occasionally. You’ll need to be kind but firm about not being available outside of your scheduled time together.

    4. Old Plant Woman*

      Sounds like you are a kind loving person and want to be a bright spot in her life without going flipping batty. My mother in law was not lonely or needy, but she did love to talk! So I got good at saying… Gotta go. Work. Kids. Going now. Big smile, wave. Walked backwards while she was talking. Bye-bye. There’s your boundaries. Then if you want, take her a couple oranges or a bunch of grapes that you thought were really good or ask her to show you her foxgloves. Phone timer goes off and you have to rescue your roasting veggies. Could be great fun

      1. I don’t post often*

        I love the phone timer idea because that’s a very clear cut thing and a helpful thing for me.

    5. LBD*

      Other suggestions here are good. Just to add, some people seem able to inhale a limitless amount of attention for their conversations, so you have to set limits or end up resentful and impatient with them, which doesn’t help them. Decide how much time, and when, you can focus on them, and stick to that. If you find it difficult to focus on such a one sided conversation, perhaps keep a mental ‘talkative elderly neighbour’ bingo card?

    6. Pam Adams*

      Maybe skip/cut short the exercise walk for once if she comes out. Stop, chat, and see if you want to set up something longer term.

  42. Oct 7*

    Here we are, just days away from the first anniversary of Oct 7. I can’t believe it. Not at all what I thought – or hoped – it would look like a year later.

    How are you feeling? Do you have plans to commemorate the victims and hostages, or to help evacuees and families of the fallen? What is helping you these days?

    For those who have also been coping with an unfathomable year, please know we are stronger together – we have somehow been through hell and we will make it back, better than before.

    1. Not That Jane*

      I’m just feeling heartbroken that it all started on Simchat Torah last year. May favorite Jewish holiday :(

      1. Oct 7*

        I’m so sorry to hear that – it’s a beautiful holiday and I hope this year you can reclaim it in some way.

      2. Song*

        If it helps, I’m in the same boat. I’m working today, but I’m taking Friday off -I got the feeling I’d be significantly more useless then.

    2. Roland*

      I won’t be going to work but not sure what I will be doing. Probably at least some demonstration but beyond that I have no idea how to cope.

      1. Oct 7*

        I would take the day off if I had the PTO, but alas…good for you going to a demonstration. The major one in my city is being held indoors (probably for safety reasons) and has no space for additional participants. I don’t want to take part online, I want to be with people in person …so maybe I’ll still find something.

        1. Roland*

          I’m in Israel so definitely a different calculus when in comes to demonstrating. Tragic that it’s not safe in many countries to stand in a crowd and say Bring Them Home.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’ve been weighed down by heartbreak. So much destruction on all sides! Is there no way we could have avoided all this? These thoughts plus a flareup of an otherwise unrelated physical ailment kept me away from Rosh Hashanah services, but I am determined not to miss Yom Kippur.

      I also plan to attend one of the two “talk about it” sessions at my congregation early this week. I don’t expect to resolve anything but, as you said, it will be good to be with others. I like what you said about people being stronger together.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Yes, there is one very, very obvious way that this all could have been avoided but I don’t want to get into it here and now.

        I hope the Yom Kippur services will bring some peace of mind and soul.

      2. AGD*

        Me too. I’m absolutely horrified and have been for a long time and couldn’t make myself go to Rosh Hashanah this year. Some of the things I was taught as a child about Israel have turned out to have been heavily stretching the truth, and I’m still trying to put this all into context, and media perspectives have been so scattered that some days I don’t even know how to think about it all. There’s not a single demonstration in any direction I feel comfortable joining, so I’ve been hiding and doing nothing, and that makes me feel like a coward.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Hard same to all of that. I can’t go to services this year and it makes me really sad.

  43. Night terrors of partner*

    This might be veering into medical – please ignore if so. I would like to ask how to handle being the recipient of inadvertent ‚hits‘ by someone having a night terror in bed next to you. Have you had that happen? Did it affect you or were you able to let it go?
    According to my internet research, it must happen quite a lot since those who have a night terror move a lot. But the advice is always about keeping the sleeping person safe. But who would like to sleep next to someone who lashes out during the night?

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I built a pillow & cushion wall between us. Sleeping in separate beds is also an option.

    2. The OG Sleepless*

      Not night terrors, but my husband has a bunch of difficult parasomnias and I finally had to move to the guest room. If you have that option, do it and don’t think of it as a bad sign for your relationship. From the convos I have with pet owners, I end up being privy to a lot of people’s sleeping arrangements. There are lots of people whose relationships are totally fine who don’t sleep in the same room, for all kinds of reasons.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I keep separate bedrooms because of sleep incompatibility on several levels – temperature (warm vs cold), schedules (I rise and retire early, he’s a night owl), mattress preferences (rock vs marshmallow), his inability to not be loud as hell when he comes to bed combined with my inability to sleep through it or get back to sleep efficiently when woken up. If you can’t safely and comfortably sleep in the same space, and separating the sleeping space is an option, give it a shot. It doesn’t cast any shade on the quality of your relationship. :)

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Very similar here. I need consistent early hours, extra warmth, and a soft mattress for my pointy joints. Managed to pair off with a person who goes to bed at 5am, likes to stay cool all night morning, and wants a firm mattress for back support. Separate bedrooms has been wonderful for us. Also means easier to manage when only one is ill.

    4. allathian*

      I wouldn’t. Neither my husband nor I have the night terrors, but both of us are restless sleepers. We’ve slept in separate beds for most of our 15-year marriage. Before we married, we were in a long-distance relationship for nearly 4 years and both of us could live with occasionally sleeping poorly.

    5. Generic Name*

      I can’t tell if you are already in a relationship with a person with night terrors or are maybe contemplating a relationship with someone with night terrors. For me, I would not voluntarily sign up to be accidentally (or on purpose) hit in the middle of the night. I went on a few dates with a guy who had a drinking problem. Once I realized that he likely was an alcoholic, I decided to stop dating him. I barely knew the guy, and I wasn’t about to sign up to either be his recovery cheerleader or an enabler/ignore the problem. If you’ve just started dating someone and they’ve told you “I have night terrors and I might hit you in my sleep” I think it would be very understandable to decide that’s a dealbreaker to you. And if the person you are dating is trying to make you feel like a bad person for opting out of a relationship for that reason, that would be a red flag for me.

      If you are currently in a relationship, then I’m sure there are online forums for support.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Of course nobody reasonable expects you to lie there and get whacked repeatedly. IDK if that’s what your partner expects, but if so, they are being unreasonable.

      There isn’t a universal recommendation for what to do because anyone in that position has to decide for themselves whether the frequency is worth the hassle of rearranging their bedroom setup.

      Do whatever you need to do to sleep safely and comfortably.

    7. Night terrors*

      Thanks all for your perspectives. It just happened for the first time (after 2y of relationship). So trying to process it and be safe.
      We‘re both non-drinkers btw and I wouldn’t sign up for any of these kind of sleep disturbances. Sadly we also don’t have a spare room but that’d be the way to go if it happens more than once.

  44. Tricky Subject*

    Ok, tricky question. My driveway was once, long before I lived here, the site of a tragedy in which some children were killed. This was more than eight years ago now. There is a little roadside shrine there, with fake flowers. While difficult to mow around, the shrine never bothered me because my neighbor was involved in the incident so it still seemed relevant, plus I saw at least once, several years ago, a family come to refresh the flowers. That neighbor has since moved away and nobody has refreshed the flowers lately. From exposure and sun, it gets extremely shabby and like I said the grass grows all up in it, but the debris makes it hard to mow, so it doesn’t look great. I’ve been contemplating putting a flower bed there and moving the “shrine items” (a now-empty glass vase full of sticks (maybe the stems of previous dried flowers?) and the remaining fake flowers) to the middle of the flower garden where they will be less obtrusive. Would that seem disrespectful of me to do so? Would it seem better if I put of my own expense a little statue or something? I do not know this family although I know they are immigrants.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      This is your property and it’s been at least several years! I think you’re okay to do whatever you want with it. I could see you being reluctant if it had only just happened, but even then they would need to ask you before putting things on your property. It sounds like it would make you happier to be super respectful of the spot(I really don’t think you have to though!), but you could do that while putting something nice, like flowers or no mow ground cover plants, that also pleases/suits you.

    2. Flower*

      Your post really moved me. I started reading it thinking you were going to ask if it was okay to remove the shrine completely. But no — you just want to move it a little. I think that would be fine and lovely.

      1. Tricky Subject*

        If I had never seen the family come, I probably wouldn’t be as conscientious about it, but because I have I feel differently. Plus, I live in a minority-majority area, and the people killed are all part of that cultural minority (I am not personally) so I always try to be extra sensitive about things that impact them. I know they have it very hard in lots of ways, and then this terrible tragedy.

    3. Bookworm in Stitches*

      Would you like a flower bed there? As a gardener, I know this is going to be work to upkeep. But if you would actually like it yourself, I think go for it. I happen to have a little angel statue in one of my gardens. It’s from my parents’ home, they’ve passed on. I don’t have it in remembrance of them, mind you, as I have other of their garden pieces. Just saying there are nice angel garden statues out there. There are also very nice ones that have children. Costco had one with a child lying on their stomach reading a book. I’ve seen ones where a boy is playing with a dog. So remembering the children but it doesn’t need to be an angel at all. If you wouldn’t mind spending the extra money, that would be nice. Take the vase and the artificial flowers and put them next to the statue, but make them less noticeable. After a year, if no one has refreshed them, move them to a shelf in your garage. A year after, you can move them along. Since you’ve accommodated the families this long, I think holding on to the items as you transition the area would be something you could be okay with. Oh, and if possible, have something that blooms at that time of year in case someone visits. Hope that doesn’t sound too maudlin. Sorry I rambled and thank you for your compassion for these families.

      1. Tricky Subject*

        I think that’s my issue – I wouldn’t want to buy the “wrong” statue – I’m pretty sure they’re Christian but I don’t know how they would feel about angels or something overt like a cross, nor do I know much about the children involved or what might resonate … but I don’t even speak the language these people do, so it’s not as if I could ask them if I found them. I also don’t even know that the original family lives here any longer; maybe they’ll ever come back. As I said, the neighbor who was involved (who is the one who told me about it) also moved away now. This thread has made me decide to wait until Dias de los Muertos is passed and then proceed with the flowerbed plan, and maybe think a little more about the idea of a statue or plaque.

        1. Autumn Days*

          My suggestion is to go ahead and remove what’s there – I wouldn’t suggest removing anything that was placed there recently, but I think, as in a cemetery, it’s nice when someone takes away the things that have become old and faded. Most of those things are usually intended to be temporary. I would skip the statue or plaque, but I think a flower garden there is a really lovely idea.

        2. Bookworm in Stitches*

          I googled Dias de los Muertos. Sounds like marigolds are often used in their remembrances.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I would salvage one item from the shrine that is still in good shape. Maybe the vase or if there are a few fake flowers that are not too faded. Use that in addition to a few things that are more weatherproof or that you don’t mind renewing occasionally. You can do more plastic flowers if you’re willing to replace them over time, or maybe some pretty weatherproof metal ones. If you want to landscape or whatever, do that, but I don’t think you have to.

      I think the key is to maintain some kind of special marker there, and to have SOME continuity with the old shrine.

  45. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    If you choose to pay for a news subscription – which one? I’m specifically looking for news, not games or other features, and specifically national, not just local – I’ve been using CNN for a while and they’re finally starting to paywall a lot of their content. Just considering other options before I default to continuing with CNN. (Alternately, are there any reasonably reliable sources for national news that don’t paywall yet?)

    1. sagewhiz*

      After cutting the cord and moving to a smart tv several years ago I discovered how to free stream both MSNBC and CNN! (As well as the fox in the henhouse and some others): livenewsmag dot com. Saves me tons of $. Added bonus, I can stream from my tablet or phone, too

    4. One of the many librarians*

      I pay for the Guardian online; yes, it’s a British paper but the US edition is excellent. I also get the digital NYT through the college library, so it’s paid but not by me.

    6. Generic Name*

      NPR. No paywall. Donate if you can/want to.

      I used to read the cnn website as a daily source of news, but I stopped when they started with the paywall. I assumed it was because I use an ad blocker, which in case anyone who has influence over this is reading my post, I got the adblocker because the ads on most websites are so intrusive that it interferes with the functionality/readability of the content. I grew up in the 80s and I truly don’t mind ads. I watch the ads on YouTube, I have the cheaper version of Hulu and Disney with ads. I listen to broadcast radio (ads). But when ads keep me from accessing a site, that’s when I go with the blocker. Some sites won’t let you view their content with a blocker, which is their prerogative, but that doesn’t make me turn off my blocker; I just find another source.

    7. Shiara*

      We pay for The Week, a physical magazine that aggregates national and international news and comes out roughly weekly.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Great suggestion. Another long-time The Week subscriber here. I don’t generally subscribe to things, but The Week is definitely worth it!

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I really like The Week too for digestible news.
        I also recently discovered that my library has it available via Libby so I can read for free.

    8. Pam Adams*

      I pay for and read the Washington Post and Los Angeles Times. I rotate around a couple other local Southern California papers as well. Journalism and journalists need support.

    9. Ron McDon*

      Not sure if Readly is an app in the US as well as the UK (where I am), but you pay a monthly subscription to have unlimited access to thousands of magazines and newspapers.

      I signed up for several free trials (which are usually 3 months plus!) and am probably going to gift annual subscriptions for some relatives at Christmas as the value is really good. For each account you can set up 5 or 6 readers, so you can share the subscription with your family!

  46. Horse peeps*

    Horse lovers—What websites or publications do you read? I’m looking for good ways to reach folks interested in a home with property suited to building a horse barn. Thanks!

    1. sswj*

      Search for FB pages for horse-y things in the town your property is in or is closest to. There are also several Horse Properties group pages that might be useful.
      The Chronicle of the Horse is a national publication with classifieds, and there may also be regional or local papers (thinking of The Aiken Horse).

      At the risk of telling you your business, do you know that the land is suitable for horsekeeping? A lot of places have local codes for how many livestock/acre, or even whether livestock are allowed. Also the property itself needs to be pretty flexible for layout. Building a barn is the least part of keeping horses on acreage.

      Apologies if I’m preaching to the choir here!

      1. sswj*

        Adding in that the Chronicle has a message board Forum. I haven’t been there in quite a while so I don’t know if they allow that kind of posting, but they could certainly answer any questions you might have. Just … beware of strong personalities! :p

    1. nnn*

      I can see posts from you above. But if there were additional ones, Alison has said she will remove posts that don’t follow the rules at the top including “slice of life”/venting posts. Could it have been that?

      1. Lifelong student*

        Thanks- I was venting- did not know that was allowed. Will try to rephrase and ask next week- it is an issue which may affect many people and I would like to know how to solve it.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I see two posts by you, each under a different thread. Try expanding the comments and using your browser’s “search” function to look for your screen name, and you should see them.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      It’s possible it went into moderation and Alison isn’t monitoring as closely right now? There are certain words that could cause this, or if you included a link. Also if you posted 2 things in a short timeframe maybe the site thought you were spamming?

  48. RMNPgirl*

    How to help my cat with wearing a cone?
    My cat and I ended up in the emergency vet hospital last night because she had a wound that I was concerned was infected. Turned out to be an abscessed wound that ruptured. They sedated her and shaved around it and then cleaned it out. She’s now home and has to wear a cone plus get liquid antibiotics twice a day.
    She’s just freaking out about the cone – keeps backing up, shaking her head, trying to grab it with her paws. I did buy a soft cone on Amazon that will arrive later today which I think will be better but I’m sure she’ll still be unhappy. Is there anything I can do or do we just have to get through it?

    1. GoryDetails*

      Can’t help re the cone, but your post reminded me of this entry from the EPBOT blog about making a quick “recovery onesie” from an old T-shirt; will post the link in a reply, or search for EPBOT plus “New & Improved DIY Cat Onesie: Skip The Cone & Make This Out Of An Old T-Shirt, Instead!”. They made their onesies for cats who’d just been spayed, so I don’t know if it would cover the area of your cat’s wound, but thought I’d mention it in case it’s helpful.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Similar — one of my dogs is a body type that doesn’t lend itself well to cones – she’s big and long-necked, so the cone doesn’t actually stop her from getting to anything and a cone that fits her is so large as to be unwieldy to have her wearing around the house. So when she got spayed, instead of the cone, we had her in doggy pajamas to cover the surgical wound, and it worked a treat. (The butt flap unbuttoned and tucked up on her back for when she needed to relieve herself.)

    2. ThatOtherClare*

      I know it sounds cruel, but you know what’s going on and she doesn’t- so the best thing you can do for her is to steel yourself and maintain the integrity of the wound using whatever means necessary. If she manages to poke and scratch at the scab, she’ll have to be in the cone for longer. You have to take the pain of being the bad guy for a bit for her protection. Every cat hates the cone. It won’t be the first time she’s worn one though, she’ll have had one after she was neutered prior to being sold. So she knows it’s coming off soon – she just hates it with the fire of a thousand suns, that’s all.

      Other than that, cats do feel embarrassment, so she’ll appreciate some dark corners and spaces big enough to hide in with her cone, since she won’t be able to get into her usual cosy haunts. A blanket over a coffee table or laundry rack in a warm and cosy corner might work.

      Also, she might find it awkward to get down to her food and water if they’re at floor level, so you might consider raising them up a few inches if that’s the case.

      Get well soon, ms cat!

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This might be what you’re already doing but in case not: you can buy much smaller, more comfortable cone collars than the ones that vets send them home in — we used this one for Hank and he was much happier than in the big one:
      https://amzn.to/3NfIGFb

  49. Harriet J*

    A friend called with wonderful news – after years of trying she is 3 months pregnant!
    Any suggestions on how to be supportive while living thousands of miles apart?
    I don’t want to start sending baby gifts, but I do want to show that I’m thinking of her and wishing her a healthy pregnancy.
    She is currently traveling a lot, so gifts like fresh fruit aren’t a good choice.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      A nice card once in a while. Maybe a food basket with no fruit, but things like herbal teas and other long lasting food items?

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Phone chats where it’s safe for her to express anything on her mind. There’s a lot of good, I’m sure! But also likely worry and perhaps complicated feelings (if she’s having a horrible time with pregnancy, etc.). And it often falls to the woman in hetero relationships to do the vast majority of prep—deciding which products to get is a HUGE undertaking—so reminding her she deserves logistical support from her partner, if she has one, and offering logistical support yourself if you have capacity to take some on.

  50. Closing an account*

    Maybe this isn’t okay for the weekend, but it feels personal to me. I haven’t used my linkedin account for years and would like to close it, but I need to enter the (long forgotten) password to close it and I have not been able to update it. I’ve been in a forgot-password// get-verification-code // enter-new-pswd loop 3 times now, and it never succeeds, although I believe I am copying the newest pswd correctly the 2nd time. What am I doing wrong?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Are you meeting all the requirements? Usually when this happens to me it’s because they require a special symbol but it can’t be the one I chose type of thing. Or maybe you inadvertently reused a previous password? Also I think sometimes copy/paste doesn’t register in password fields so even if it looks like it copied it might not be able to “read” what you pasted?

      1. Closing an account*

        Usually in that situation, the page tells you what it requires to be included in a pswd and what it doesn’t accept – either initially or after you break one of their rules — and this one didn’t, but I will try again.

      2. Closing an account*

        I’m not sure what I did differently, but yay, I closed the account. Thanks for the tips!

  51. Awkward Weirdo*

    This might be a bit of a difficult question to answer but…

    How do you get better at comforting people/being helpful when people close to you are having a hard time? I know it varies a lot depending on the person and the situation, so I will just ask for general advice. But I (a woman, if it matters) have always been extremely awkward and clueless as to what to do when others are in emotional distress. I guess I’m scared of doing or saying the wrong thing, I don’t know. It used to scare me so much that I avoided emotional connection and most of my friendships when I was younger were very much on the surface level.

    Now I’m a grown adult and I have certainly got better, mostly by observing others be awesome at it. I have no problem maintaining successful friendships and relationships. But I’m finding myself in a situation now where someone close to me is having a hard time and I’m feeling lost again. Is this a common feeling? Any tips? Thanks!

    1. Sloanicota*

      I think the first thing is to realize that most people don’t feel “good” at this. With a few exceptions, most of us feel awkward or uncertain in these circumstances (even if it’s not evident from the outside). But we try to show up anyway, however imperfectly, because we love the person. My main guidelines are 1. Ring theory – comfort in, dump out – so making sure it’s “not about me” and that I’m not adding any stress to the situation … kind of “first do no harm,” I guess. And #2., don’t make assumptions. Don’t assume you know how they feel, what they need, what’s normal. If in doubt, ASK them in a low pressure way. “I would love to drop off some premade meals for you, and you don’t need to come hang out if you don’t want to, would that be okay or is your fridge full? I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.” Make space for however they’re feeling and hold that space for them.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      No one ever feels like they’re good at it every time. It’s okay to not be good at it. Some tips:
      1. Listen. Listen. Listen. One thing I noticed going through my own hard times (sudden death of a sibling, cancer, divorce) is that people rarely listen. They want to say. They want to give me a pep talk. They want to fix. The few who listened, validated, and let me cry, rant, rage, etc were the ones that made a difference.
      2. You can’t fix. You can’t change the past. Don’t try to explain WHY you think this is happening, particularly if you think it might have been preventable. When my brother had colon cancer, someone said to him “colon cancer is why I eat LOTS of vegetables! I never want this to happen to me!” while he was still in the hospital after surgery and I was aghast at how unhelpful that was. Don’t offer suggestions unless asked. No one needs a sales pitch for your miracle MLM herbs, your tips for coparenting after divorce, or your cool idea for a creative funeral.
      3. Remember the ring theory. The person having a hard time is the center. Close family & friends are next. More casual friends next, etc. Support goes in towards the center and the rings closer to you. Complaints, whines, struggles, etc go to the rings outer to you. Do not ever set it up for them to have to comfort YOU.
      4. Ask what they could use. And not in an “if there’s anything you need, let me know!” way. I had people text me “I’m heading to the grocery store, can I get you anything?” – and pick up what I needed. I had a family member ask me if it would be more helpful to bring dinner to the family in the evening, or bring me lunch during the day. (And since I was alone all day recovering from surgery, I picked lunch. My husband is the cook for dinner most nights anyway.) And when my best friend came over every week for the 6 weeks of my cancer treatments, she would always ask “do you want to talk about medical stuff or anything and everything BUT that?” And my cancer surgery was 2 weeks before Christmas, so several people asked if I needed help with preparations for that. (One family member brought over wrapping paper and wrapped all the gifts with me! Her idea, and something I hadn’t thought of yet.)
      5. Do SOMETHING. Say SOMETHING. Don’t ghost the people in your life through hard times because it’s hard for YOU. Their hard times are not about you. I lost a few friendships that I thought were good friends, because they just stopped talking to me completely when something hard happened. That hurt.

      1. allathian*

        I’m so sorry for your losses, including the friendships. That said, some people are so self-absorbed that they don’t know what to do when they aren’t the focus. Others are so afraid of being seen as *that person* that they avoid those in their friend circle who are going through a tough time because they don’t want to be a burden but also have no idea on how to help, or are afraid that the person going through tough times would ask for something they aren’t willing to give. I guess I’m in the latter category.

        About a year ago one of my friends lost her 8 year old daughter who died suddenly in her sleep. I know she had epilepsy and I guess that she had a fit in her sleep and stopped breathing or swallowed her tongue, although I’d (obviously!) never ask. I signed the sympathy card our friend group sent, but I didn’t reach out to her in person because I had absolutely no idea what to say. When she started posting in our friend group again, and especially the first time we met last summer, I asked in general terms how she was doing but didn’t pry. I also wouldn’t have felt up to running errands or cooking for them immediately following the tragedy, so I didn’t volunteer for any of that (one of our mutual friends did).

        But as a consequence of keeping my distance, we’re no longer as close as we were before the tragedy, even if I still consider her to be a casual friend. Losing a child is a life-changing experience and I’m never getting my old friend back, and while I regret that, I’ve also accepted it because I honestly don’t know what I could’ve done differently, if anything.

        It’s hard to be the friend of someone who’s experienced a tragedy like the loss of a child, in part because it’s so hard to know when it’s appropriate to ask for support from them for lesser things. Other deaths are also tragic, but the deaths of parents and grandparents are a part of the “natural order” of things where older generations die before younger ones. Sibling deaths may be among the hardest because they’re the longest relationships most people have.

        When has the tragedy receded enough into the past that the friend is able to contribute by giving support, not just taking it? Obviously the answer to that differs, and some grieving people may never be able to carry an equitable friendship again where they’d be able to give support to someone else going through a hard time.

        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          I think you’re overthinking it. People absolutely can be supportive friends after experiencing big losses. Pay attention to how they’re doing. Pay attention to when they are showing interest, compassion and offering help to others.
          Don’t let your friend’s losses define them in your eyes.

    3. Harriet J*

      I copied this from the advice column Asking Eric. It was a reader’s response to a similar question.
      “In response to Walking on Eggshells about saying the right words to folks going through tough times. Yes! “I love you, I’m sorry, I’m here” are wonderful! As someone who had two children with disabilities to raise, lost a relatively young husband suddenly, along with many other big life issues one after the other to navigate, please add to the list: “You’re doing great!” That was music to my ears. Also: “Let me help you with…” or “I’ll be there to…” And then show up.

      I was never good at asking for help but, oh, when it arrived how wonderful it was! A meal, help with packing, another set of hands. Beyond the kind words, actions speak the loudest.”

  52. acmx*

    I have a yard statue that was broken. Looks like it might be cement? I’m thinking of gluing the two halves together with a type of Gorilla glue unless someone knows of a better adhesive to do it. Thanks!

    1. ThatOtherClare*

      I don’t have a direct answer for you, but ‘A Manual of Mending and Repairing; With Diagrams’ by Charles Godfrey Leland (available via the Gutenberg Project) is a fantastic free resource for this kind of thing.

      https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/61786/pg61786-images.html

      I scrolled down to the chapter on and found 3 recipes for repair cement just on page 137. I have no idea whether they’re any good but at least it gives you some more options to choose from.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      There’s a website “this to that” where you type in what you are trying to glue together, and it tells you which glues would work. It’s amazing!

Comments are closed.