coworkers are secretly bringing kids to work, office is full of whispers, and more

by Alison Green on December 22, 2025

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Coworkers are bringing kids to work but keeping it a secret from our boss

I work in a small, open concept office and I am having issues with my coworker bringing children to work. My coworker “Sansa” has a grandchild the same age as the son of another one of my coworkers, “Arya.” The boys are best friends and they attended the same (all-day) preschool. There were several times over the course of the summer that the boys were present in the office, sometimes for the entire day, between times when their summer camps was not in session and my boss was not in the office.

Arya burned through the small amount of vacation she received when she started working here six months ago, taking care of the boys after my boss found the boys in our conference room and had the office manager talk to Sansa and Arya about how this workplace was not a day care.

This week, the boys started kindergarten (although they are in different classes, since the school has several). Sansa leaves the office at her scheduled departure time of 4 and then goes to pick up her grandchild and Arya’s son from school about five minutes away from our office. She then swings back to the office and drops off Arya’s son. Arya does not leave until 5. Since the boys don’t see each other all day and it’s “better” that they get to spend time together, Sansa stays with the boys in our office until it is time for Arya to leave.

I have asked Sansa if she could take the boys outside or to the park a block away, and she stated it’s only for a hour, it’s hot out, and she can keep them quiet. She spends the entire time standing around in the office shushing them, which, as you might imagine, does not work. I have discussed this with our office manager, but she feels it’s okay because our boss leaves at 3 to go pick up his own child from school and therefore “(Boss) won’t know unless someone tells him.”

What I really want to do is ask my boss if it’s possible to shift my hours to 8 to 4, so I don’t have to put up with these boys running up and down the office shrieking (in happy tones) for the last hour of my work day. I am concerned this request will require me telling my boss the reason I want my hours to shift, and the true answer — “because Sansa brings two happy little boys to the office every day at 4 who do not possess an indoor voice and I want to claw my eardrums out every day” is not very work appropriate.

Wow. It sounds like your boss has already said this isn’t okay to do, and it’s happening again anyway, because of your coworkers’ willingness to intentionally hide it from him, which is pretty messed up. It’s additionally messed up that you’re being implicitly pressured not to speak up, even though there are shrieking kids in your office making it hard for you to work. (Third messed up thing here: There are shrieking kids in your office making it hard for you to work. It’s incredibly rude that Sansa and Arya are allowing this.)

Ideally you’d tell Sansa and Arya that you’re not able to focus while the boys are there, but given that they’re actively doing something they know they’re not supposed to be doing, I’m not sure how well that’ll go over. It might just make them hostile to you without resulting in any other change. And really, while normally you owe coworkers the courtesy of talking to them before escalating something to their boss, they’re not entitled to that when they’re actively trying to deceive your boss.

So I’d talk to your boss and say something like, “I’m finding it’s difficult to focus from 4-5 now that Sansa and Arya have kids in the office during that hour every day, often being pretty loud. Would you be okay with me shifting my hours to 8-4?” That’s a reasonable request, and you shouldn’t have to lie about your reason in order to cover for Sansa and Arya (and in fact, doing so would make you complicit in what they’re doing).

– 2018

Read updates to this letter here and here.

2. My office is full of whispers

I work on a smallish team in a large company. We work in an open plan office, so we are encouraged not to be too loud. However, my manager takes it a step farther. Most of her conversations with my coworkers are whispered, the way you would if you were telling someone a thing you don’t want overheard. It is audible enough that you can tell it is whispering – think stage whispering – but not enough that you can hear clear details.

Sometimes I’m on the other end of those conversations (but not as often as other coworkers) and they often involve criticisms of other departments/projects and general bad news. So when I hear whispering, it is not a stretch to imagine it is more bad news. From there it’s not a stretch to worry that the bad news involves me. Our office has a certain amount of uncertainty about how long the flow of projects will last, is staffed largely by temps, and has a lot of turnover. I try to do my job well but am by no means a star employee, and I usually have no idea on any given day whether I will have a job the next week.

As a result, every time the whispering starts (several times a day) I get incredibly anxious, particularly if I hear anything that sounds like it could be my name. But I don’t know what to do. I can’t not think about it when I can hear it in real time. I certainly can’t tell my superior how to talk. The office isn’t headphones-friendly and is designed in a way where sound carries. I’m medicated for anxiety but this is more situational. Is there anything else I can do?

Ooooh, I would hate that too. There’s something about whispering that catches your ear and is far harder to tune out than normal conversations — and that’s before you even get to the “why are they being so secretive?” part.

I’m sure your boss thinks she’s being considerate. It’s an open office, and she probably figures this is minimizing the distraction to others, not realizing that whispering can be the distraction equivalent of strolling through the office nude.

I do think this is something you could potentially speak up about. Ideally you’d find out first if anyone else is bothered by it, because if there are, several of you can raise it (maybe at a team meeting) by saying something like, “I think it’s great that we try to be considerate of noise level since we’re working in an open space, but — kind of counterintuitively — sometimes whispering is actually more distracting! Could try low voices instead and see if that works better?”

But also, there are things you can do on your own to talk yourself down when the whispering makes you anxious. Remind yourself that you hear whispering several times a day, which means that it’s just the way people there talk, not that they’re doing it so you won’t hear them talking about you.

I do get that when you’re in an environment where you never know if you’ll have a job next week, this is going to be even more anxiety-producing. But really, the problem is that you’re in an environment where you never know if you’ll have a job next week, far more than it is the whispering. The best thing you can do in that situation is to be actively job hunting, so that you don’t feel like you’re just waiting for the ax to fall, and instead are actively taking steps to change the situation for the better and won’t be starting from scratch if the ax does fall. (In fact, you might be better off if you just assume the ax will fall and proceed accordingly.)

– 2019

3. Our director wants us to be “enthusiastic and upbeat” at a town hall which will probably bring bad news

My department recently received an email from our department director that said the following: “I am not typically a rah-rah kinda guy, but I am requesting that we be as enthusiastic and upbeat as possible tomorrow, without it being obviously phony. ”

To fill you in, the smallish company I work for is owned by a large billion dollar organization. The company is under-performing due to our parent company not willing to invest in technology upgrades that are needed to become competitive again. Each year, the employees lose more and more. Our benefits are constantly downgraded, yearly bonuses removed, raises never higher than 1% or less, and that’s just a small sampling of the continual downward spiral of employee treatment. For the last two years, our quarterly “Town Hall” meetings have been coming with reorganization that includes employee layoffs. The last two included laying off individuals who had been with our little company since inception, and it was done without mentioning they were doing it. We would return from the off-site meeting and discover empty desks. All that coupled with continual spending to look the part of a casual tech company, and the continued growth of required job duties has really brought morale down.

So this morning it was announced that a last-minute town hall was again scheduled to go over first quarter, with the instructions I posted above. Can the director really make such a request a requirement? I would appreciate any advice you may have.

Well, I think it’s more nuanced than that. Is he going to fire you if you look a little downtrodden and less than enthusiastic to be there? Pretty unlikely. Might he hold it against you in more subtle ways? Sure. But the other question to ask is whether he’s giving this direction because he genuinely believes it’s in your best interest — for example, he may know that your whole department is being looked at for cuts, and he knows that if people look pissed off or checked out, that’s not going to help. He may also be negotiating for something more for your department and will have a harder time getting it if that’s how you all show up. Or, yes, he might just not be thinking any further than some vague idea of shiny, happy corporate citizens, which is gross.

In any case, I don’t think you have to show up with pom poms, but it’s probably smart to look interested and engaged.

– 2016

4. Sending clients a photo of my dog in a wedding dress

I work in bridal sales, which is a weird world of its own. For 90 minutes I feel like I basically become best friends with my client and then I usually don’t see them again or maybe I’ll see them during their alterations.

I really like some of my brides and after they buy a dress we send them a thank-you card from the boutique. I had an idea of also texting them from the store phone (it’s how we book our appointments) and creating a cute digital card with a photo of my dog in a little wedding dress as a more personalized thank-you. My coworkers think it’s too much, but I think I make my sales by being sweet and actually caring about my brides. I thought it was a great idea because I usually swap dog photos with my brides during the appointments anyway; I live in a very dog-friendly town. Now my coworkers have me second guessing and thinking I’m being weird. They’ve been in sales a lot longer than I have so I don’t know if I should just defer to their opinion.

If you particularly bonded with someone and talked about your dogs, I don’t see anything wrong with sending it! However … what I do think is maybe too much is doing the thank-you card in the mail and this. As a customer, if I were getting multiple thank-you’s, I might feel that was overkill and wonder how much more contact I was going to be receiving. (But please feel free to show us your dog in that wedding dress.)

– 2019

You may also like:
{ 126 comments }

{ 126 comments… read them below }

  1. RLC*

    If the sales associate at a bridal shop had mailed or texted me a thank you card or message with a picture of their dog in a wedding dress I would likely recommend that shop to every “dog-person” friend I know who might be shopping for a wedding dress. What an adorable idea!

    2. Usoki*

      It definitely seems like the sort of thing where you would have to know your audience. As someone who is not a pet person, I think my reaction would at best be a neutral “ugh, marketing” as I quickly throw it away. Depending on how personalized it was, and how much/little rapport I’d had with the staff, I would be paranoid that they’re subtly insulting me by telling me I look like an animal in the dress.

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        Yes, I think it could be a very polarising photo. I would feel a bit sorry for the poor dog — I don’t think animals should be forced to wear human style clothing for our benefit or entertainment, but of course you can Photoshop these things. It would also probably stress a cat out a lot more as cats prefer not to be encumbered by clothes (unless, say, they need it so as not to lick their stitches). The dignity and comfort of the animal is also at stake — Cats Protection in the UK are very vocal about some trends such as harnesses for walking cats and since I adopted my cat from them I learned a lot.

        I think unless you really know your audience, it’s best to stay away from anything that might send the wrong signals.

        1. KateM*

          I’m sure that clothes that don’t let cats to lick their stitches encumber them even more than usual. :)

          1. Amateur Linguist*

            Yeah, but then there’s a cost-benefit analysis to be done. Having a cast on my leg isn’t fun but I put up with it because the doctor made me (and also it allowed my broken ankle to heal). I don’t generally have casts put on for fun, though, because it’s uncomfortable.

            There was a series of TV ads back in the day in the UK where live chimps were dressed up in human clothes and made to act out tea parties on camera. There was, rightly, a realisation at some point that this was rather cruel to do purely for human entertainment. Hence my discomfort at doing it to cats and dogs for advertising or internet clout rather than genuine healthcare needs.

            1. KateM*

              Yes, but that’s the preference of their humans, not the cats themselves. The cats still would be prefer to not be encumbered by those clothes and doubly so if it meant they can’t lick their stitches.

              (I was reacting to “cats prefer not to be encumbered by clothes (unless, say, they need it so as not to lick their stitches)”.)

        2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

          Yes, I think it could be a very polarising photo.

          I would be paranoid that they’re subtly insulting me by telling me I look like an animal in the dress.

          That’s where I’d come down. Essentially, “here’s a dog in your clothing, doing what you do, implying you’re a dog, too.” The risk of unintentional insult is too high IMWO.

          That said, if the same thing were done with a bridal couple of guinea pigs, it’d probably melt my heart. But still wouldn’t change my advice.

      2. CTT*

        Yeah, I know it’s heresy to say on this site, but I do not find it fun or interesting to look at pictures of people’s pets. At best I would worry that they were going to continue to spam me with pet pics as marketing.

        1. Alice*

          How much ongoing marketing do bridal shops do? “Thanks for buying your bridal gown here last year! Do you need another one?”

          1. CTT*

            Lots of companies market that don’t need to, and I think of the bridal industry as one that relies on word of mouth, so it’s not unreasonable to think they might continue to send referral emails or reminders that they sell bridesmaid dresses or other formal occasion clothes.

            1. metadata minion*

              Yeah, I assume that’s also why the realtor we worked with to buy our house keeps sending personalized messages. (People do at least sometimes buy more than one house, but we’re really obviously not in that category!)

              1. alexmegami*

                Yeah, it’s probably in both cases predicated on the idea that if you’re at a life stage where you are having a wedding/buying a home, your friends probably are, too (and older relatives, like your parents, might be looking to downsize).

      3. BlackJack21*

        I am a pet person and this would turn me off big-time. It sends a weird message, like, do you think the dog resembles the bride? That’s just where my head would immediately go.

        1. Hannah Lee*

          Ooh Good point!

          For me, it would be the texting of a thank you after a thank you card had already been sent.

          But then, I generally really dislike being texted by businesses for any reason. I’ll put up with it for time-sensitive transactional stuff (ie my order from the business down the street is ready for pick up now, or the HVAC company I’m hoping could repair my furnace today has a tech whose free in 30 minutes if I can meet them) But I’d much rather everything that’s not personal communication from friends/family goes to my email.

          Basically I feel like texting is synchronous, demanding my immediate attention – like “I’m at the restaurant, are you here? I can’t find you.” whereas email is asynchronous ‘look at this when you have time’ A vendor’s thank you follow up / pet pic would fall into the ‘look it this when you have time’ bucket.

          And sent there, I’d be much less likely to react negatively to the content ie wondering why they’re sending someone who recently tried on a dress at their shop a picture of a dog trying on a wedding dress in their shop and reacting to the obvious stress the dog is displaying in the pic, looking like it’s barely tolerating it.

      4. service workers aren't insulting you*

        I would be paranoid

        At least you realize that this is an irrational response!

    3. EmmaPoet*

      Yes, if you’re at the swapping-photos point, then I think the dog-owning client would get a kick out of it and be willing to send friends on to the business. I would too! Or a cat in a tux (I’m allergic, but I love looking at cat photos.)

    1. Carmina*

      What I came here to know, haha! I suppose if we had, Alison would have linked to it? Maybe republishing is a way to try and get the LW to remember the letter and finally send it!

  3. nnn*

    Sometimes in situations like #3, you can just ask (either the director or your own manager, if the director is several levels above you) what’s up, or what’s different this time that they’re suddenly giving you instructions to perform mood.

    For example, how I’d say it in my own voice to my own manager: “You’ve never told us anything like that before. What’s going on this time?”

  4. Amateur Linguist*

    We had some bad news a few weeks ago about the future of our region and the potential for upheaval with the government trying to put its own stamp on the healthcare system. What helped was the messaging; it was acknowledged that things were a bit shaky, that we’d have to re-assign responsibility for sites to avoid having to make people redundant and that one of the crew was leaving for new opportunities (and he will be replaced; unfortunately we can’t promote the rising star we have because she’s based in the wrong area, but we know our boss will choose the right person). We had the opportunity to ask questions and get honest answers (which may well include ‘I don’t know’, because I doubt even the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, our ultimate boss, really knows either) and there’s a definite responsibility on leadership to make things as clear as they can be in any period of upheaval.

    But I think it might also be the case that things have had to be managed behind the scenes to get everyone into a position where the least impact is had on people’s jobs — and that can be difficult to handle at the best of times. The discussion was handled well on both sides, and my team is management, so we’re generally accepting and understanding of the whims and tangents of the markets and the government. Being engaged with change and working out what to do with it ahead of time rather than just going on the offensive about it is an important skill for anyone, but especially for someone looking to step up themselves. Although I’ve basically seen best practice in action and a mature team who understand the nuances of business and who have probably had to address this with their own teams in the past, it works better when people do engage with the situation as it is rather than what it should be. and are at least constructive in their interactions.

    Sitting there grimly and looking angry isn’t necessarily going to help; it might also create antagonisms where there aren’t any to begin with and make things harder to implement. There is a time and place for hard discussion, but that’s generally not when the direction is being spelled out to people because of factors that may well be beyond their control.

    1. Amateur Linguist*

      (PS, the rising star understands that — it’s actually her that didn’t want to be driving too far away from her established home base.)

      1. Jo*

        I’m also one of those affected by the NHS redundancies. Where I am it is extremely badly handled and we’re getting more of our info from the HSK than Jim and Sam

        1. Amateur Linguist*

          Yeah, that was the problem — it was a rush job by the government. At least the 2013 reforms had an agenda (and were rolled out three years into the 2010 government rather than within a single year); this government seems to be tinkering with the structure too quickly rather than planning things out more carefully.

          Some of the structures were eroded in importance (for instance, the commissioning support units had their contracting and financial responsibilities gradually taken back by the CCGs, which then turned into the ICBs) so the vestigial organisations are potentially a bit rudderless at the moment to begin with. I’m part of the facilities division, Property Services, which is a separate business entity wholly owned by the government but run on commercial non-profit lines, and the changes are actually rationalisations to keep us within the boundaries of the new ICB rather than straddle a couple of different entities. We’re safe for the moment and we’ve survived 2025 without opening the newspaper to find our org has been axed in its totality!

          I’m really hoping though that the government doesn’t just carve us back up into local clinical trusts — we’ll still probably have jobs because of the importance of maintenance and facilities management, but clinical organisations let their estate go because the buildings were liabilities rather than assets, and we’ve genuinely turned things around — I was at one building for ten years and it’s in way better shape than it was when I started in 2014. So one set of changes that looks bad for one set of people actually benefits another set of people and makes up for years of neglect (because of competing or higher priorities rather than actual deliberate intent, but the result is unfortunately the same).

          However, at the same time, some projects that were begun under the last government are going ahead with our support — clinics to help the survivors of SA be treated in more humane surroundings than their local police station, diagnostic centres where it’s easier to get blood tests, scans etc, and that sort of thing really needs an independent facilities division to manage capital investment.

          It’s a long way from what people think of when they think of the NHS (because a modern system needs a huge amount of infrastructure behind it), but with the government creating Great British Railways to manage a nationalised transport network at arms length from the DoT, you’d think that NHS England could have survived in a form slightly more independent of the DHSC so it can make decisions that aren’t necessarily politically exciting but necessary to make the best strategic decisions and establish some continuity of management. The problem with wholly owned state healthcare is that governments are prone to mess about with it as nauseam simply for their own ends, rather than set things up and let us, who know what things look like on the ground, make better decisions. I don’t know how you square that circle, but it would be a lot better for major capital investment and so on if they could.

  6. Lizzo (not that one)*

    If i bought a wedding dress, then received a message with a picture of a dog in a wedding dress, I would 100% take that as someone telling me “you will look like a dog on your wedding day”

    1. AMY*

      Ha! I thought the same thing. Personally I love dogs but I could see some brides taking it as vaguely insulting. Like, what are you implying with this?? LOL

    2. TotsPotato*

      I assume they meant the dog is wearing a dog costume of a wedding dress. I wouldn’t be offended by that. I would just think it’s cute and quirky.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      This — I know I’m plus size, please don’t send me a picture of a pug in a wedding dress.

      Also, aren’t there some cultures where dogs are considered unclean? Obviously, if LW talked about dogs with the client, and the client ALSO has dogs, this wouldn’t be an issue, but… maybe don’t do this for everyone.

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        Islam — the main culture that I know of — is ok with dogs as working animals, but not pets. There could be some overlap with people visiting a shop selling traditional western wedding dresses (i.e. not going for a ceremony specific to their culture) and those who are uncomfortable with pet dogs, so yeah, this could be a valid concern.

    4. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      I like dogs, and that interpretation is very much there.

      I think OP hits on the dynamic with how the appointment feels like deep bonding. And if that bonding had been two way, then the customer would understand OP’s intentions and that “From Guinevere, these are cute animal photos, in a theme appropriate to something I am about to do. Since I told her I’m honeymooning in Hawaii, a photo of a pug in swim trunks on a beach will probably be next.”

      But the relationship is not actually that warm or deep, and so interpreting the photo far from OP’s intended cuteness is quite possible. I wouldn’t do it.

    5. metadata minion*

      I agree that it’s not the best marketing choice, but why would you assume the company was insulting you? It’s literally their job to make you think you look awesome so you’ll buy their stuff/services.

      1. Bespoke Budget Formatting*

        A few different people in this thread have said they’d think it was insulting, and I’m as confused as you are. It’s a remarkably uncharitable interpretation.

        1. Happy meal with extra happy*

          It’s an incredibly negative immediate assumption, and I feel bad for anyone who has it.

        2. TotsPotato*

          I think that this is one of those times that the comment section does not reflect the public. It’s a very insecure and unkind view to take over something that is nothing. I get that it’s not people’s sense of humor, but to be insulted is just not normal.

        3. Corrupted User Name*

          Thank you for saying that and pushing back on this super weird take. Why would anyone think that a salesperson is intentionally insulting a client with what is clearly intended to be a cute/silly picture? If that’s where your mind goes, I honestly feel bad for you. Even people who are not “animal people” don’t see the world this way!

          1. Allonge*

            Have you tried shopping while fat, not a tech wizard or otherwise non ‘standard’? Looking like a man / woman in the ‘wrong’ store?

            Salespeople insult you to your face. It’s not that rare.

            Different discussion but not everyone will find all dog photos cute either.

            1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

              I mean, I actively dislike dogs and would probably just smile at the pic and delete it.

              And yeah, I shop fat every day and would still not be offended (though I would prefer a cat pic).

        4. Nancy*

          Agree, it’s very weird to think that the store that sold the bride the dress, and presumably wants brides to recommend them to friends and family, would be saying that.

      2. A. Lab Rabbit*

        I think it is less about what the company is saying, and more about the first thing that pops into somebody’s mind when they see that. They would probably have to take a moment to figure out what is going on here. I know I would wonder why they sent this pic to me, especially if I don’t remember talking about dogs in the first place.

        1. Happy meal with extra happy*

          I mean, if it’s part of a “thank you” note, I think various types of anthropomorphized animals are relatively common in marketing. I don’t see why this would be any sort of mystery.

          1. Allonge*

            Neither ‘dog’ nor a common word for a female dog is a compliment though – first associations are powerful.

            ‘Thank you, dog!’ is a message you send to someone you know will appreciate it, not to practical strangers.

            1. Bespoke Budget Formatting*

              But it isn’t “Thank you, dog!” It’s “Thank you, and here’s a picture I think you’ll find cute, which happens to be of a dog in an outfit related to my business.” The idea that the dog represents the actual bride is already a huge leap.

                1. Bespoke Budget Formatting*

                  It’s a dog dressed in a costume relevant to the business. It isn’t “supposed to represent” any specific person any more than a mascot wearing a team’s jersey is meant to represent a specific member of the team.

                2. fhqwhgads*

                  If anything, I’d think the implication is “we serve all brides, even non-humans”, but even that takes too much energy.
                  If a bakery had a picture of a dog with a birthdaycake, does that imply people who buy their birthday cakes are dogs? Or is it “animals are considered cute, here’s one with our product”.

                3. Allonge*

                  Look, I get that you and many others find this cute. Great! That’s what the internet is for.

                  Considering it’s 1000% optional as a business measure, would you want to take the chance that someone finds it offending, hurtful or out of place, as some people said they would? This is not out of context, I am not dissing your liking of that super cute pic of Mr Wobbles in a tie and a hat.

            2. metadata minion*

              Would you be similarly insulted if a sporting goods store sent thank-you cards with a dog wearing a little baseball uniform? The dog is not representing the customer; it’s representing the company if anything.

              The takeaway I’m getting here is that people get really, really emotional about weddings. Which I guess I knew, but this is a direction I would sincerely not have expected it to go.

              1. Allonge*

                I don’t think I would be offended in either case (never been married, not a sports person either). I find dogs dressed up in human clothes ‘bleh’ – not funny, poor dog – what’s next.

                But I think the risk of offending/hurting some people is not worth the two-minute fun that is the intended positive outcome in others. This is internet-meme fun – keep it on the net.

      3. Throwaway for Today*

        You’re unlikely to come back for another wedding dress, though. And rude and insulting salespeople absolutely exist, I can see one of them insulting a client they didn’t like after the sale was completed. And this picture would be sent after the sale.

      4. Miffy the Rabbit*

        Weddings tend to bring out a lot of unhinged behavior, particularly when it comes to how the bride looks.

        1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          Every detail must be perfect, but everything must also look effortless.

          Yeah, you’re not sending your bit of light humor into a relaxed environment full of people ready to find the humor in life’s ridiculousness.

      5. Usoki*

        Logically, I understand that the sales staff exists to make sales, and genuine comments should be part of that.

        Emotionally? Anxiety’s gonna do what anxiety’s gonna do. Remember being a teenager and the staff looked at you like you were wasting their time? Or maybe you went into a high end boutique looking far too lower class for the average clientelle? Or perhaps overweight in a store meant for only the thinnest of sizes?

        Not all sales people are kind or polite. Especially if they’re working on commission, and the easiest way to make you stop wasting their time is to make you feel unwelcome.

    6. HannahS*

      I don’t think I’d take it that way, but I also wouldn’t appreciate it. Wedding dresses are expensive and frankly a wedding dress boutique is offering a luxury service. Call me a snob, but I don’t actually want the kind of casual “LOLOL internet” silliness of a dog in a wedding dress if I’ve just spent several thousand dollars; I want dignified professionalism. To be fair, I’m also really not a pet person.

      (TBH my experience at David’s Bridal was so off-putting* that I made my own wedding dress because, as it turns out, I AM a huge snob and the idea of paying 3500 CAD for polyester off-the-rack made in a sweatshop made me grouchy.)

      *I was alone in the boutique because I squeezed it in after a workday and the attendant put a veil on me and whispered “Your parents are your past…and your fiance is your future…” as she pulled the veil over my head. It was SO WEIRD.

      2. learnedthehardway*

        Agreed. A thank you note should echo the client’s investment and how much the item means to them. A wedding dress is a pretty big purchase for most people, and it’s extremely meaningful to the person.

        A pic of a dog in a wedding dress would not land well with a significant slice of the bridal population. It might not even land well with dog owners – the idea of paws on a wedding dress might be quite off-putting.

        1. Humble Schoolmarm*

          There are also people like me who are allergic and/or slightly phobic. If I hadn’t finished the alterations, I would feel a little bit concerned that if the company was pet friendly enough to be sending out this kind of thank you cards, is there a chance that my dress might end up with dog hair on it or I’m going to get barked at by the “oh, but they’re so friendly!” crew.

      3. Rags*

        Yes, it’s the after-the-fact nature of it that’s getting me. If a love of dogs comes up while working with the bride, show the picture then. But if I got that afterwards, I wouldn’t be insulted, but I would be a little baffled that’s the note the store wants to end on.

        Also getting to me is the LW’s assertion that she’s the only person in her store who actually cares about the brides, which seems like there may be an over-investment in the emotional.

  7. DJ Abbott*

    Re #2, to me, whispering would be *more* distracting than someone walking nude through the office.
    If I saw someone walking nude through the office, I’d assume they had a (weird, inappropriate) reason for it, or they’re having a mental breakdown. Either way, nothing to do with me.
    OTOH, my first year at my job I thought I was going to be fired. Around the time I was getting over that, I got a manager who doesn’t like me and gives me bad reviews. So whispering always makes me wonder what’s next and whether it will affect me.

    1. Can't Sit Still*

      Right? I can ignore someone walking through the office nude. Whispering, not so much.

      Although, there probably would be a lot of whispering if a co-worker walked through the office nude…

      1. JustaTech*

        I had a coworker who *loved* to whisper, often long conversations about not-even-slightly work stuff.
        Yes, our floor was quiet, but it wasn’t that quiet and we had plenty of normal-volume not-work conversations too.

        Eventually I realized this was part of her occasional thing to generate drama. She’s not a total drama llama, but when bored at work absolutely would entertain herself by doing things like whispering.

        When I figured that out I started saying “I’m having trouble hearing you, can you speak up?” Fixed it fast.

  8. GorbyChump*

    I wouldn’t send the dog photos to every client but if you’ve talked with them about dogs during your time with them why not? That’s what good salespeople do

    Reminded me of a friend whose dog turned 13 and gave him a bark-mitzvah with the appropriate accoutrements

    1. happy red panda*

      Exactly. I’m a total dog person and would think this is adorable. However I’ve also met a bunch of people that either dont like dogs, are allergic, or are afraid of them. I’m not going to show them my pup, either in photos or talk about them. I can see how that would be very upsetting to those folks.

    3. Amateur Linguist*

      Cute!

      My curiosity got the better of me recently and I wondered if I could have my cat baptised. I wasn’t exactly going to dunk her in water (!!) but just see for my own religious curiosity. Stances differ, but the summary I got when I googled it actually made me reconsider. Baptism etc is a human ritual, done to introduce us into a relationship with God and bring us back into the close relationship He wanted for us. It requires a commitment to live as God intended for us to live. Non-human animals are, apparently, part of nature and thus already in a close enough relationship with God that they don’t need human baptism to begin putting things right.

      I found that a deep and meaningful statement. Also, again, it doesn’t involve bathing my cat, so that’s a good thing for her and for me.

      But…a specific bark-mitzvah is cool and I’m guessing the dog was ok with it too because it didn’t stress him out as much as kitty baptism would!

  9. Amy*

    Why reduce your options in a corporate environment? Because projecting displeasure or even contempt at the organization is going to do exactly that.

    If you are unhappy, start looking at other companies. But always keep your options as open as possible with your current employer.

    It reminds me of the story of early theologian who “discovered” silent reading. People were amazed at his ability to read without speaking the words out-loud, taking on the entire text in his head in silence. It was revolutionary for the time.

    There’s a lot to be said for keeping things in our own heads instead of telegraphing them with words, actions or facial expressions.

    A neutral expression with perhaps a few nods will go a lot farther for you than any scowls.

        1. Verunica*

          Ah. That’s an interesting take, then. I feel like we long ago got rid of the attitude that employees should be grateful to have a job.

          1. Amateur Linguist*

            Yeah, but you’ve also got to be able to be professional when handling company uncertainty and difficulties that come from change.

    2. metadata minion*

      I think the concern from the LW here is that they aren’t asked to be neutral, or to keep their understandable anxiety/annoyance/etc. off their faces — their boss has asked them to be “upbeat and enthusiastic”. That sounds like beyond the normal level of “put on your business casual face even though you’re pissed off”.

  10. Smithy*

    Letter 1 puts in context to me the question that’s been going around on social media of whether you’d take a job that’s full time remote for $140k or in the office for $240k. Essentially how much more people are inclined to value a job that allows for greater work-life balance versus just making more money.

    In a small office, this situation sounded entirely untenable – but thinking to larger employment campuses or offices, this does seem like a situation where a situation could accommodate an employee off the clock watching two children for around 45 minutes. Thinking to a larger employer campus, you’d have spaces like a cafeteria that might even be open to the public or at least well removed from offices. Or even in a larger office, thinking about an unused office, booking a remote conference room, or a building atrium/lobby space.

    This isn’t to comment on adults working while also trying to provide childcare in the office, but rather a situation two coworkers found that seemed to really support their private lives. Based on the summer situation, and the amount of secrecy with the boss – I’m not surprised by the results. But more so, it puts into context how much caregivers have regularly made decisions to make less when it affords them flexibility.

    1. Amy*

      $100K pays for quite a lot of afterschool childcare. I’m in a very high cost area and mine is $300 a month a child.

      1. Smithy*

        Just to be fair to the online chit chat on the $140k vs $240k – a lot of those opting for the $140k seemed to identify as Gen Z, and so their reasons aren’t necessarily specific to childcare.

        As an elder millennial who once upon a time ago did work in an office 5 days a week, while I’d take more money – I do also have to question is if these are younger people already making less than $140k (or maybe the online stuff is for $120k? either way). If you’re making only $65k or even $100k – making $140/120k is already a pay raise, plus you get your ideal work environment.

        That being said, what work life-balance is to one person isn’t the same as another. For some it is something like childcare, which can have a dollar amount placed to it. In this case, what these parents were looking for was a convenience that also brought joy and socialization for the children. Sure more money could mean covering more aftercare without financial issue, but that might still be at the expense of convenience and joy for the kids.

        1. BlackJack21*

          I’m an elder millennial, making “only” 66K a year, although that’s actually pretty high for my region and industry. I work remotely 95% of the time. I’d take the $240K in office job in a heartbeat. Yes, working remotely has many advantages and there would be an adjustment period, especially as it relates to a commute. But my work-life balance has gone to hell in a handbasket with remote work. I’d sign up very quickly for four times the money and a good reason to build in better separation between the two.

          1. Just My Imagination*

            Yeah, up until 2 weeks ago when I started a new job, my annual GROSS salary never passed $56,000. And that’s with a Master’s degree and years of experience. So yeah, I’d take $240K in a heartbeat even if it was 5 days a week onsite, and a 90-minute commute each way.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              I am a young GenX and $240k would be 5 times more than I have ever made, I would take it in a second, being in the office wouldn’t even come in to the equation. And I am full WFH and flexible now.

      2. Could be toasty*

        Only $300 a month?? You have no idea what a steal you’re getting. I live in a mid cost of living area and childcare runs $1000-1200 a month for one child under the age of 4.

        1. A. Lab Rabbit*

          This was my thought as well. Child care around here is roughly the same as you’re getting.

          $300 a month is a huge bargain! I’d be tempted to have another kid, lol.

        2. bamcheeks*

          Amy said afterschool care (presumably based on the fact that the two kids in the letter were in kindergarten when teh letter was written, which is typically going to be cheaper than a child under 4 in full-time daycare.

          That said, you definitely can’t quantify childcare in only financial terms. Everyone’s got a line where it stops making sense to have the kids in paid daycare however easily you can afford it, because you actually want to spend time with your kids!

        4. Milltown*

          I think Amy meant for school-age kids who were at school until 2 or 3PM, the $300 covers the couple hours of afterschool care until parents pick them up. Not full-day daycare.

      3. I Identify as Tired*

        I was paying $50 per day for my first child and $35 for the second for afterschool care in the 90s. $300 per MONTH is insanely inexpensive! And I live in the midwest, with a reasonable COL!

        1. Amy*

          $85 (50 + 35) in 1995 is about $180 today. If that was covering 2 hours from 3-5pm, I’m really perplexed.

          In 2025, you can employ a nanny for $30- 40 an hour for 2 school-age kids. Nevermind $90.

          I pay for an no frills public school afterschool extension program in the NYC suburbs that’s basically 100 kids running around the gym or playground with a few adults looking on.

          I definitely wouldn’t pay $90 an hour for two kids.

      4. fhqwhgads*

        I’m in a very high cost area and the public-school-offered nearly-impossible-to-get-a-spot-in aftercare is $300 a week. Everything else is more.

    2. wednesday wishes*

      We have this situation in my “only a few people” office. The grandma who works here babysits her grandchildren by bringing them to the office. Its not all the time. We have really really generous leave (almost unlimited) but she won’t take time off to babysit. Although it doesn’t bother me because these two kids are very well behaved, I often wonder why the grandmother’s job has to be put out when the parent’s job does not. Its because she can get away with it here and her child (the parent) can not. Once the LW office put their foot down, plus the limits of COVID (and possibly no after school programs) I am inclined to think this grandma just quit to do the childcare. And I also think that she was still working only because she was able to do it while babysitting for a time – that probably the attitude was, hey if I can make money while babysitting I will do it until they tell me I can’t.

    3. I should really pick a name*

      You can still have pretty solid work life balance when you work onsite.

      The only real difference for me is the commute, I can throw laundry in the machine, and watch tv at lunchm

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        I get a lot out of not having to commute, but I found that I really had to make time to get out of the house because I ended up living in total chaos by April both years I’ve been fully WFH! I have booked a handful of trips over the winter and go swimming every other week so I don’t just turtle up and start hoarding again.

        Also, I think a lor of companies with elements of in-person service delivery have returned to a hybrid structure as a way of closing the gap between workers with in-person obligate jobs. The inequality was starting to become obvious by the time I went WFH capable, and I make an effort to stay connected with my old office and many of the different sites across the region simply because of the divisiveness it caused in 2020-23. It’s a balance and if you’re in a WFH-capable job, chances are you are towards the more privileged end of society anyway, meaning that it’s a good idea to keep an eye out for signs you’re losing touch with the in-person work that it takes to keep us all connected while at home.

      2. BlackJack21*

        My work-life balance was infinitely better when I was on-site five days a week. Yes, it was also a different job at a different company, but I’m still in the same industry and the work is similar. I used to go through my personal emails (mostly newsletters, offers, etc.) in the morning at home while having my coffee. Now that time is spent doing work, while my poor neglected inbox has over 500 unread messages. I would actually take a lunch break most days in the office break room, now I just work straight through and maybe have a snack. When I would come home, I was done for the day 95% of the time unless there was an emergency. These days, I’m resisting the temptation after dinner to do “just a few more things” that inevitably turn into at least an hour more of work in the evening.

      3. Hannah Lee*

        A huge difference for me would be the commute, the ability to schedule home repairs (ie, I wouldn’t have to take 4-6 hours off in a work day to drive home, and wait for the repair person to show up sometime during an arrival window, have them do the repair and then drive back. I could just let them in, let them do their thing while I worked, talk with them a bit, and let them out)

        Plus I could get a dog. I’ve never wanted to get a dog that I’d be leaving home alone 9-10 hours a day.

        1. BlackJack21*

          I never had a pet for much the same reason. I now have a cat who wandered in one day and never left. I *think she somewhat enjoys my presence, but truly as long as the food is available she is good.

          1. Amateur Linguist*

            You can leave cats alone for the day — even overnight if you make the necessary arrangements with timed feeds etc. (My friend who had adopted a ‘lone ranger’ cat — a lot of cats here are outdoor animals, to the point that it’s really difficult to get an indoor animal as a rescue — said he barely saw him except for at feeding time so leaving him alone overnight was a matter of making sure a light was on and meals were laid out.)

            And in days gone by plenty of people who worked away from home had dogs as well — we certainly did. And I’d imagine that a lot of people have them who work outside the home on a day to day basis still. There’s a lot about modern pet culture that forgets about the idea that cats and dogs aren’t children but mature animals, from cutesy costuming to the idea that they can’t be left alone ever, and that’s just not really true.

    4. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      I think the set-up was ideal for “The one who gets off early picks up the kids and takes them to the nearby park for an hour; if the weather is truly terrible they go to an indoor space designed for this which will charge money.” The problem seems to be that the park is outdoors, and the indoor space isn’t free, and the office wins on those two metrics. But not on the metric of your office being okay with this.

    5. some dude*

      i sort of did that. was making $200k, took a similar job at $160K with a shorter commute, less in-office time, and more flexibility. it has been 100% worth it. i don’t miss the extra money, and having my life back and being able to be a husband and father again and not just working all the time has been worth way more than $40K.

  11. Popinki*

    Whispering sets my misphonia off something fierce. I can tune out normal conversation and background noise no problem but little scratchy sounds on the edge of hearing make me want to Hulk out.

  12. GorbyChump*

    Wait, so have all my friends and relatives who have sent me holiday cards with photos of their dogs been insulting me all this time? If I knew they felt this way about me I wouldn’t have knitted them scarfves

    2. Eeyore is my spirit animal*

      Did you make scarves for the dog or the people. I would be impressed if someone made my dog a scarf.

      1. Sunshine Gremlin*

        My ex’s mother once told me that she wanted grandchildren (which I am incapable of creating). I told her that she had one: our poodle. So she started crocheting and knitting blankets and clothes for my dog. It was the best possible outcome for a situation like that.

        1. Amateur Linguist*

          Yeah, with cat shelters needing blankets to send home with the kitties (I got two with my cat and she never even looks at them), I’m finally able to try out all the baby blanket patterns I can find. As you can tell from my posts, I’m a bit uncertain about animal clothing unless absolutely necessary, particularly for cats (and don’t get me started on Sphynxes), but blankets are totally necessary and very fun to knit, particularly modular patterns where you need to think about joining!

      2. JustaTech*

        I knitted my friend’s dog a sweater once, mostly because I’d seen a cute pattern but didn’t have a dog (and the cat was abundantly clear on her feelings about clothes).

    3. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      The whole crux of the question is whether there is enough relationship for the humor to hit as intended, 100% of the time.

    4. Amateur Linguist*

      It’s not the actual animal that folks have a problem with, it’s the juxtaposition of a dog with a bridal dress that sends a potentially dodgy message.

  13. H.Regalis*

    For whatever reason, the office full of whispers makes me think of a horror movie, like something classically gothic set in an office. The Cubicle of Otranto?

  14. Raw Cookie Dough*

    It’s been over 2 decades since I purchased my wedding dress but I can assure the OP that if I got a mailed thank you card and a virtual card with a dog in a wedding dress, that would NOT be too much communication for me. It sounds like a perfect, lovely, funny, thoughtful idea!

  15. Olive*

    #4 I think that a professional photoshoot of a dog in a wedding dress would be a cute motif for a store that explicitly advertises itself as pet friendly.

    However, given that this is just the LW’s personal thing, I think almost everything about using the store’s phone to send an extra text with the wedding dress dog is a bad idea. Not just because of the dog, but because no matter how friendly I might have acted with a vendor, if I wanted to be friends, we’d have exchanged our real numbers.

    If a customer wants to meet up at the dog park and gives you their number, that’s a great time to send a thank you text with your dog. Otherwise, let the store finish up the professional interaction.

  16. Jam*

    My office is very whispery too – it’s funny how groups of humans just develop little etiquette rules. I generally find it a bit funny because anytime I can hear what’s being whispered it ends up being something very dull and un-secret.

  17. I Identify as Tired*

    I don’t think I’d go full on with the card with dog pic, but… do you by chance give out business cards? Perhaps you could ask if you could have the pic put in the corner of your business cards? A little more memorable but not full on “why did this person I barely know send me a pic of her dog?” Just a thought.

  18. Beth*

    I know the dog in a wedding dress is the centerpiece to that letter, but is no one else a little worried by LW’s contention that “I think I make my sales by being sweet and actually caring about my brides.”? Either all the other salespeople have a ‘whatever, I don’t care’ attitude when working with clients or the LW is getting more emotionally invested than is the norm. Either way, it seems like it would be an odd place to shop.

    1. BlackJack21*

      I think LW is more emotionally invested. The other salespeople probably see it as more of a business transaction. Bridal attire isn’t an industry where you see a ton of repeat customers, you know? I mean, you definitely can! But, even when that happens, it’s not like these are customers the sales staff is dealing with every month or every year, like other types of businesses. LW’s colleagues might recognize this so aren’t developing as much of a personal bond.

      1. Allonge*

        Or they recognize that not every customer will want a personal bond. It’s great to have the possibility, I am sure LW is appreciated by many!

  19. Leenie*

    I’ve been pretty surprised by the number of commenters suggesting that they’d feel insulted or at least very put off by the dog bride photo. I thought it was kind of cute/not a big deal either way. That said, it’s probably valuable for anyone thinking of doing something similar to get the feedback that a number of people/potential customers would find it to be actively negative.

    1. LinesInTheSand*

      I think it really depends on the overall brand of the bridal shop and the actual card in question. It’ll fit right in with some brands, it’ll be a hard miss for others.

      For me it’s less about the dog and more about the fact that I keep my business and personal lives separate. I don’t want to be friends with people who are actively trying to sell me something. To me, a dog in a wedding dress would read as a pretty transparent attempt to cultivate a social relationship where none exists.

      Regardless, I think the real key here is some people have some pretty negative knee jerk reactions to that image. If it were from a friend, they might be more inclined to afford the sender some grace and goodwill. But during wedding planning when everything is already high stress, a vendor unintentionally annoys you and now you have to swallow that impulse to accommodate someone you just gave thousands of dollars to? I can see where peoplw would be annoyed.

      1. LinesInTheSand*

        *and now you have to swallow that FIRST impulse to be annoyed in order to accommodate someone you just gave thousands of dollars to?

    2. Hiring Mgr*

      I agree with you 100% – it sounds like the LW isn’t going to just send the photo to every customer, but the ones that she clicks about dogs with. I’m male, so maybe I don’t fully understand what it’s like to buy a wedding dress, but I don’t get the problem with a friendly staffer adding some personality when it’s welcome

      Houses and cars are also big purchases with alot of stress, personally I don’t mind if we happen to get along with the car dealer/re agent.

      Consider me baffled

  20. FunkyMunky*

    #2 I’d just wear headphones or ear buds if you can be discreet with those and if anyone asks or reprimands, mention the conversation noise. I don’t know what not headphones friendly means but that’s the best solution

  21. Koekje*

    I disagree with the advice in #4. OP should be thinking about where she can incorporate more photos of dogs in wedding dresses.

Comments are closed.