daughter’s manager complained to me about her work, boss jokes about me having work “suitors,” and more

by Alison Green on December 30, 2025

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My daughter’s managers complained to me about her work

My daughter is 19 but lives at home. She has had a full-time job at a local daycare center ever since graduating high school. I dropped by her place of employment the other day to tell her something. All three managers were in the front office. I smiled and greeted them with, “Hi. How’s it going?” I was shocked when, instead of the standard response, I got a barrage of complaints from all three about my daughter’s work performance. Apparently, she’s been repeatedly written up for neglect of safety issues with the toddlers in her care and lack of proper sanitation of her classroom. They gave details as to the disciplinary action and warnings they’d given her in the past six months, how many times she’d been written up, how they were at their wit’s end with her, and how close she was to being fired.

I glazed over almost immediately. Seriously, how is this my problem? My daughter is an adult. It seemed that by sharing these issues with me, they somehow expect me to punish her for her workplace sins. I let them know in no uncertain terms that my daughter is their problem when she’s at work, and it’s their job to deal with her performance issues in whatever way they see fit, including termination. They were clearly offended at my response.

Isn’t what these managers did illegal? Or at the very least unethical and unprofessional? Doesn’t an employee have some expectation of privacy in the workplace? At the very least to not have the contents of their personnel file shared with those without a need to know? Who tattles to an employee’s mommy regarding said employee’s work performance? Am I missing something?

It’s not illegal; in the U.S., there’s no right to privacy with this kind of work information. But it’s certainly unprofessional and inappropriate, and I’m glad you told them they should be managing their employee rather than complaining to her mom. (And really, if they’re that frustrated with her, they have a variety of tools available to deal with that, including letting her go.)

It sounds like they were hoping you’d add to their pressure on her — maybe talk some sense into her or otherwise use your influence to get her to improve her performance. But she’s an adult and that’s not an appropriate thing for them to ask an employee’s parent. (Frankly, even if she weren’t an adult, it would still be inappropriate. They need to manage her.)

– 2020

2. My boss jokes about me having work “suitors”

I work in a clubhouse for a community with a high volume of lonely old people. I have always been a conversationalist, and I don’t mind lending an ear when people want to talk, since it’s part of my job. I have a handful of people who I really click with, who I talk to for about an hour whenever they come in. We talk about things like music, fine foods, history, and their youth. It’s incredibly nice and I love that I get to do this professionally.

My boss jokes constantly about my “boyfriends.” It never really bothered me, and I chuckled along, but now when she introduces me to other employees or volunteers, she always brings it up and makes it sound inappropriate.

Many of the people in my “fan club,” as it’s affectionately called by my boss, are older men who are retired and usually single. I have a couple older women as well who I chat with. I don’t wear anything revealing at work and our conversations never go anywhere innappropriate. I never see them outside of work and they have never done anything out of line in any way.

My boss knows my SO, and tells them about how I’m cheating with my “boyfriends.” They laugh it off because I’ve explained and talked about them before, but it still seems odd. I felt weirdly guilty when she was telling a new person at work about my many “suitors.”

I work in hospitality, so I’m always charming, attentive, and polite. I’ve had residents make sexual comments about my figure in the past, and I quickly told them that that is not appropriate and told my boss immediately. She said that I did the right thing by telling them that it was not correct. I feel like I’m getting mixed messages. I don’t know how to address this with my boss without making things awkward with her.

The next time she does it when it’s just the two of you, say this: “Jane, can I ask you not to joke about me having ‘boyfriends’ or ’suitors’ here? I know you’re kidding, but it makes me uncomfortable.”

If she’s a good person, she’ll hear this and stop. But if she continues, it’s okay to be firmer about it: “I was really serious when I asked you not to do that. It feels really uncomfortable to be talked about that way.” You could add, “You were so supportive in the past when I had harassment issues, and so I know you will be sensitive about this now that you realize how much it bothers me.” (Often framing things that way will make people want to live up to what you tell them you “know” about them.)

I hear you on not wanting to make things awkward with your boss (even though she is the one making things awkward!) but you should be able to say this and then briskly return to whatever else you talk about. With awkwardness around this kind of thing, most people, even managers, will take their cues from you and if you demonstrate that you’ve moved on, chances are high she will too.

And for what it’s worth, in addition to this being unwelcome on your side, I’ve never understood why this sort of comment isn’t also seen as diminishing to the older people it references, since the subtext seems to be that age desexualizes people and it feels like a weird patronizing head pat in their direction.

– 2020

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Employer asked me for my SAT scores when I applied for a director-level role

This week I applied for a director-level role and the application asked me for my SAT scores. It has been about 15 years since I took them and I know the scoring has changed since then, but I gave a good estimate of what I remembered my scores being. I applied because it seemed like a very interesting role, but then they came back and asked me to fill out a questionnaire in which I was asked to fill out the SAT score field again, as if I didn’t tell them what my score was on the application just 24 hours ago.

Is it normal to ask for my SAT scores, especially if it’s for a director role? It seems like an easy way discriminate based on age, particularly since they also ask you to indicate whether your score is out of 2400 or 1600 (when I took the test, the highest score was a 1600). Also, I’m not exactly sure what my SAT score has to do with my qualifications for the job as it pertains to knowledge and skill.

Am I right to raise an eyebrow at this? Or is it common? An informal poll of my network found that most people I know have never been asked for this, and this is the first time I have been asked.

No, it’s not normal. It’s actually quite weird.

It’s one thing to use something like GPA when candidates are right out of school and don’t have much of a work history to point to; in that case, it’s an attempt to get some data on candidates who don’t have much of a track record otherwise. But even that stops being useful once people advance in their careers and you can look at their actual work accomplishments.

SAT scores at a director-level role? No. Weird, not normal, and indicative of some very strange thinking going on there.

– 2017

4. I was hurt when the person I’m covering for maternity leave attended our Christmas lunch

I’m filling a maternity leave role with the agreement in place that I will be hired full-time. Over the holiday season, our unit had a Christmas lunch and when we showed up at the venue, the person I’m replacing (who is still on her maternity leave) was there waiting to join us for lunch. I think it’s quite nice of my employer to include her, but I felt a little taken aback as I was not expecting her to be there. I have never worked at a company where they invited people who were on leave for any reason to events like this. Maybe that’s because this is the first office that I’ve worked in where within a month of starting I haven’t felt “accepted” within my unit’s circle. I’ve had very positive feedback from my manager on my work performance, but I feel very lonely at work. Perhaps this is why it felt insensitive to me, as I don’t feel accepted, yet any time “Betty” shows up it’s a big deal.

Again, I think it was nice but I can’t help feel this was a little insensitive towards me. I would be interested to read your reply.

It’s not unusual to invite former employees or employees who are on leave to office social events; it’s actually a really nice gesture! I’m sure that no one meant it to make you uncomfortable; after all, she isn’t your competition or someone who got you fired or anything like that. People might have even thought you’d enjoy the opportunity to talk.

I think the bigger issue is that you’re feeling lonely at work — but I wouldn’t take offense at their invitation to someone who’s still officially part of their team or see it as a reflection on you in any way.

– 2015

You may also like:
{ 143 comments }

{ 143 comments… read them below }

  1. Junior Dev (now midlevel)*

    I appreciate that the response to #4 is very evenhanded and kind. I think that it’s easy for people who are reacting to something in sort of a weird way to feel piled on with criticism, and it’s probably a lot easier to improve one’s attitude from a place of psychological safety.

    1. allathian*

      Yes, absolutely. This letter was sent in ten years ago (!) and I’d love an update. I wonder how long the LW stayed at this job, and if the situation ever improved. Feeling excluded at work is horrible, especially if you have a history of being bullied by exclusion like I do. My current job and team are great, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

      At my job, people on leave don’t typically attend events like this, but about eight years ago a coworker who was on maternity leave came to another coworker’s retirement party with her baby because they were friends outside of work, and the retired coworker became the kid’s bonus grandma. The new mom’s parents lived six hours away and she’s a solo mom. We joked about how the retirement came at just the right time so that the retiree could babysit the coworker’s kid. But given that they were close friends, it’s entirely possible that the timing of the retirement was anything but coincidental. The retired coworker has kids and grandkids, but the grandkids live in Australia so she doesn’t get to see them in person very often.

      1. TooTiredToThink*

        Absolutely nothing to add, but for some reason (Perimenopause? Stress?) this made me absolutely well up with tears thinking that “Grandma” likely decided to retire _with_ purpose like that.

    2. AngryOctopus*

      I’d just add that LW was covering a leave, so it doesn’t seem that they were at the job for a particularly long time yet. Sometimes people take a while to warm up to new people (in a friendship sense, not a “we are nice to you professionally” sense)!

      1. Another One*

        I think it can also depend on how frequently your office has new people. There is definitely a benefit in my office that we have at least annual turnover of some student workers, so we’re used to welcoming new people in the office and including them in what’s going on.

        (That said, my office would be the place where something like a person on maternity leave showing up to a party could totally happen. Especially something like a retirement party.)

        1. Not Everyone Can Wear Sandwiches*

          Yeah, I’ve been to places where people on parental leave popped into a party. It wasn’t weird, they wanted to catch up / show baby pics / have half an hour of uninterrupted adult conversation.

      2. Princess Sparklepony*

        Especially when the person covering a leave is going to be gone in a few months… but the LW said they were going to be brought on permanently which seems weird since they need to hold the job open for the person who is on leave or offer them a similar job. Not sure how that all works but I know there are rules.

    3. RIP Pillowfort*

      Yeah and I think part of the reason they feel off kilter might be because this isn’t the permanent role yet. They’re still filling the maternity leave spot and that spot is Betty’s role. So it’s understandable to feel awkward about interacting with Betty when she’s still on leave. People are also looking at you as Betty’s fill-in rather than new coworker. It’s also just been a month. That’s not long and in some workplaces you won’t be “part of the group” until you’ve been there much longer.

      I would love to know if things were better after they moved into the full time position after the leave was done. I suspect they might have been better.

    4. TracyXP*

      At a previous company, you weren’t eligible to buy shares in the company until you had been there 3 years and voted to be able to join. I was allowed in and bought the minimum shares, but the stockholders meeting to celebrate new stockholders was going to be about 5 weeks into my 6 weeks of maternity leave. I went and took the baby with me. Everyone loved it. He was in the picture of new stockholders and was joked that the new hires just keep getting younger.

    5. Yes And*

      Agreed. My company puts on a half-dozen VIP-focused events a year, and my predecessor (senior-level role, retired) shows up for many of them. In my first year, I felt weirded out and vaguely threatened by this – like, didn’t they trust me to do my job schmoozing with the VIPs? But now, four years in, that feeling has faded completely, and I’m genuinely happy to see my predecessor at these events. In retrospect, I was still finding my feet in a new job, in my first role managing a team. Once I was confident in my position, those feelings of being threatened went away.

      I hope LW4 got their full-time position and felt better about their employer’s inclusive practices once they were settled in.

    6. Magnolia Cordelia*

      I don’t understand why the OP has a problem with Betty being there. It’s a special Christmas lunch. She’s there to eat and socialize, not to work, and her being in the office has no bearing whatsoever on OP’s job.

  2. Nitwit Oddment Blubber Tweak*

    In the update to #2, she got -fired- for having the audacity to bring up the boyfriend comments?! That’s so much whiplash from the very reasonable advice. That’s a nightmare situation. Clearly this was not a reasonable manager.

    I’m very glad she landed on her feet.

    1. Dontbeadork*

      And she got fired by the new head of HR (her boss making the inappropriate comments). Glad OP managed to get to a better situation. I feel for the employees with OP’s former boss as their HR head, though. Wow.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Me too. It sounds like LW2’s boss was jealous of her social/people skills.
        Just the person to put in charge of HR! /s
        I bet she hid her attitude from everyone above her too, so they had no clue she was like this when they promoted her.

      2. Another One*

        Yeah, I was just wtf. I’m glad she got a better job but I wish she’d have reported the whole thing to corporate because that wasn’t okay and should have been a sign to upper management that this person is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

    2. 248_Ballerinas*

      Glad the LE got what she says is a better job. Sounds like the boss was envious of her rapport with the older clients. I hope the community center finds someone else who can have friendly conversations with the lonely older people.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have to wonder if that boss was just so bad she thought she had already communicated OTHER negative feedback –only she did that via snide comments too.

      My “maybe more to this story” flags went up at the mention of hour-long conversations. But OP wasn’t given specific feedback–and that’s on the manager.

      I’m thinking something like “you need to end non-work conversations in under X minutes because long chats leave other team members carrying too much of our work.” That would have been actionable.

      “Your suitors” is vague. To my GenX ears it’s insulting, but I’m afraid my WW2 era mother said similar things as a compliment.

      Ugh. I seem to have missed that update in 2020, and it was probably best for my mood that I did.

        1. SixTigers*

          I understand, but having an “hour-long” conversation doesn’t necessarily mean she’s habitually nose-to-nose with one single resident for 60 minutes to the exclusion of everyone else.

          When I visit an elderly friend, I’ve seen social aides having what look like extended chats with specific residents but who are also alert to who’s coming in, who’s sitting where, and so on. Sometimes they’ll stay with Resident A and sometimes they’ll excuse themselves and go sit with Resident B. Or they’ll excuse themselves and make the rounds of the room, speaking with several people. Or go visit briefly with a few residents and then return to Resident A. It all depends. LW doesn’t sound to me like someone who’s neglecting residents.

      2. MaddyP*

        Hour long conversations didn’t seem odd to me. My mother lives in a senior community and the clubhouse staff is employed primarily to talk/listen to the residents. There are activities planned but it’s not uncommon to have people show up 45 minutes early because they’re lonely. It seems especially true that the men find it harder to fill their days and spend more time looking to talk to someone and staff are expected to accommodate this.

      3. anonymous worker ant*

        Yeah, hard to say. In my job it’s pretty normal to have long conversations with people who come in; providing that interaction to people who might not get it otherwise is understood as a service we provide, though it’s not a mandatory part of the job description or anything. You won’t get told yo have to have long conversations with members of the public or get marked down for not doing it, as long as you’re generally friendly – but all the same there’s often one or two staff who spend a disproportionate amount of time on this, which does result in other staff having to take on more of the things that absolutely have to get done, which can build resentment.

        And it can also vary wildly based on managers! Some managers are going to value those people for building important connections with our stakeholders; some managers are going to silently mark those people down as skiving and have staff meetings where you practice ending a conversation after a few minutes; the “best” managers are going to appear to encourage the socializing while also silently judging people for not appearing to be on task at all moments, and I wonder if LW had one of those.

    4. WillowSunstar*

      I would say that’s a very retaliatory firing. Sad that it happened but I’m glad she found a better job.

    5. Aggresuko*

      I’m somehow not surprised to hear that she got fired for asserting herself :(

      I find it VERY SCARY to try to do because you never know how someone’s going to react to it. Admittedly in my case I usually just get ignored and not fired, but still.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I usually wait till I’m so fed up, I don’t care if they fire me.
        Sad this has happened more than once.

  3. Irish Teacher.*

    LW1, I am guessing the reason is that she is a very young adult and perhaps because they work in childcare, they are treating her to some extent as a child in their care too. This is ridiculous on a number of levels. If they do not think her old enough to even be responsible for dealing with her own work issues, then why on earth did they employ somebody her age to take care of toddlers?

    Honestly, that workplace sounds like a mess from start to finish. I am surprised enough that a daycare would take on an 18 or 19 year old who presumably has no childcare qualifications. I know in Ireland, you have to have a qualification in childcare in order to work in the area. I know laws differ around the world, but even if it is unregulated, taking on somebody straight out of school seems like a risk. Then they seem to have just written her up for neglecting safety issues and it sounds like either she is the only adult in her classroom or the other adults also aren’t taking proper care of sanitation and child safety. Being so young and presumably without qualifications, I would imagine she would be the most junior adult in the room, so the others would surely be more responsible for things like sanitation. And honestly, keeping her on after more than one mistake with regard to child safety sounds like a risk too. And then…telling mommy as if she is also a child in their care…

    LW3, that sounds about as ridiculous as the doctors here in Ireland who were asked for their Junior Cert. results (no real equivalent outside Ireland – for the UK members, it’s not QUITE the same as asking for GCSE results as I think the GCSEs are taken far more seriously. It’s an exam taken around the age of 15, testing what they learnt in all their subjects between the ages of 12 and 15).

    LW4, I think it would be very weird to exclude a staff member from a social event because they were on leave. She’s part of the staff.

    I think the real issue here is that the LW doesn’t feel included rather than that they are including people on leave.

    1. TooTiredToThink*

      I’m not surprised they’d hire someone so young. Daycares have a reputation of paying notoriously low in the States and to be “just” a daycare worker probably doesn’t require a lot of certifications (I strongly suspect only CPR is needed). Plus in some high schools you can earn various certifications (like I know of a kid who got their vet tech certification while still in high school), so if there are certifications required, she might have even earned them in high school.

      1. Vindicated Iguana*

        Right. And in the US, there is a vast variety of daycares. One center near me only hires teachers with a bachelors in early childhood education, while another will hire 18 and up with no education requirement. Guess which one costs 20x more than the other?

        2. Jan*

          In the UK, you can work in a nursery as an apprentice/earn while you learn from 16 upwards, although most people do a proper college course first. My childhood friend is a nursery nurse and she did her A levels first, then studied childcare for two years before they even let her near a nursery, so she was 20 by then. I think that’s better as it requires commitment and it weeds out those whose hearts aren’t really in it. Care work, whether you’re looking after kids or adults, isn’t for everyone and shouldn’t be taken lightly!

      2. just a random teacher*

        I think it’s reasonably common for high schools to offer early childhood education as a “career pathway” that you can specialize in. I know 2 out of 4 high schools in my district have on-site preschools that high school students work in as part of those career pathway classes. (These preschools are run by licensed adults, and the high school students have 3 levels of classes they can take with increasing levels of responsibility for things like planning activities for the kids and working with small groups under the supervision of that licensed adult as part of their curriculum as well as classroom instruction about developmental stuff and other things you need to know to be a daycare worker.)

        I’m not sure if it’s possible to get the certification you need to be a lead teacher at a daycare by the time you graduate high school or not, but if not I do know it’s something you can pick up at community college, so not totally unreasonable for a 19 year old to have if they got an early start for some reason, and the certification to be an aide takes less than a year.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      From my state’s daycare regulations:
      “Staff” means personnel including volunteers, sixteen (16) years of age or older, who provide a service
      to a child day care center or a group day care home;[.]

      Supervision requires 18+. Volunteers must be 16+. Our school system has a arrangement where students can volunteer at a local special needs summer camp for PE credit. (My son got more of a workout than during school-year PE — no slipping away when you’re entrusted with 2 grade schoolers and surrounded by woods!)

    3. Pastor Petty LaBelle*

      I’m not surprised they hired someone straight out of high school. Nor that they haven’t fired her yet despite numerous issues. Both for the same reason. Daycares are desperate for workers. The pay is so low, not a lot of people want to work there. They have to maintain child-carer ratios. If they fire her they might fall below the needed ratio and have trouble finding a new employee. Which means closing spots at the daycare leaving parents with even fewer options.

      Yeah safety issues. But if the choice is safety issues or no spot at all, guess what happens?

    4. KateM*

      About LW#1: In Latvia, there is one who is the classroom teacher and another who is TA (there are total three people for one class taking shifts as for example our village’s kindergarten is open 7-19). The teacher has to have a degree in early childhood education or at the very least be studying it, the assistant doesn’t need to have anything but a first-aid certificate or something like that. The teacher is the person reponsible for kids’ education (although obviously the assistant helps when there are 20 pairs of little hands trying to do something); assistant would be the one to bring in food and wipe down tables (that’s sanitation) and when they go to a walk then teacher would go in front to lead the procession (being responsible for the planning of their walk) and the assistant would trail and make sure that no kids get lost (that’s safety).

    5. Jane Anonsten*

      Echoing what the others have said about childcare in the US. I worked at a daycare in the 2 year old class during the summers when I was 19 and 20 — I was not the main teacher, but I (sometimes with another 19/20 year old) was usually the sole adult in charge during my shifts. That included changing diapers (first time I ever changed one was in that classroom!) and assisting with potty training. But if there had ever been a complaint about safety or sanitation it would have been swiftly and thoroughly dealt with!

    6. thatoneoverthere*

      Alot of Daycares in the USA are being bought by big corporations. So they are being run on low margins for high profits. They notoriously underpay staff and also charge parents and exorbitant amount. I think I saw on Tiktok (this could vary by region and daycare) that the average yearly cost of daycare in 2026 is around $38k. Its insane.

    7. SundayintheParkwithCuriousGeorge*

      Hmm. My question is why does LW feel it’s appropriate to enter a daycare when she isn’t a client, in order to chat to an employee when they’re supposed to be working. And how frequently do these drop-ins happen.

      This is one of the letters when I’d love to see the opposite side.

      Dropping in to a secure workplace for a chat while someone is on the clock is pretty weird. I’ve never come across any daycare that allows random members of the public to just wander in and out as obviously that’s a huge safeguarding risk. Was this a one-off emergency, or does LW make a regular habit of chatting to her daughter when the daughter is supposed to be working?

      I’m also curious what relationship if any LW has with the daycare owners, that she feels it’s okay to drop by a non-public workplace.

  4. Elinor Dale*

    A company which invites people on leave to their Christmas parties sends the message “we miss you and look forward to your return” – and this is a good thing.

    1. Molly Bloom*

      It is a good thing for the person who is returning.
      It’s kind of alarming for the person who is under the impression that she is going to be hired full-time to replace that person.
      I understand why the LW is having mixed feelings about it.

      1. Susie QQ*

        > under the impression that she is going to be hired full-time to replace that person.

        Where are you getting this? I saw LW4 said their understanding was that they would be hired full time afterward, but I think to say it’s to replace the person on leave is a stretch, unless I missed something.

        Since the employee on leave was, well _on leave_ and came to the office event, I think it’s safe to assume they planned on coming back. So not sure why LW4 would assume they would need a replacement.

        1. Susie QQ*

          OH now I see it.

          Okay I get where you’re coming from now, but still think it’s weird for a temp to think that they’d be hired on full time to “replace” someone who has plans to come back.

      2. Abundant Shrimp*

        To replace the person how? why?

        I read it that LW would be hired FT, *and* Betty would also return from her maternity leave. Why would Betty be let go and replaced by LW? for the crime of having a baby? And, if this were the case, why would LW even want to work for someone that blatantly illegal and discriminatory? If it’s Betty on the chopping block today, it might easily be LW tomorrow. (I really do not believe LW to be Betty’s replacement.)

  5. Maggie*

    The other workers in LW1 went too far but it sounds like a last-ditch effort to save the daughter’s job. LW1 didn’t feel her teen daughter’s employment was her concern but I think a lot of families want to help their (very) young adults develop these skills, especially since relatively few workplaces are set up to support that development. I wish there was an update on this one, hoping the daughter was able to get her act together (with a level of independence suitable for LW1)

    1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      The other workers in LW1 went too far but it sounds like a last-ditch effort to save the daughter’s job.

      They may also have been trying to avoid backfilling the daughter’s job, since that labor market is generally very tight and good employees are even harder to come by. Venting may have been a reaction to being “stuck” with the daughter since the alternatives on the street were (likely) even worse.

    2. Malarkey*

      It was sent in March 2020, my guess on the update was everything was shut down for awhile and mom had all the time in the world to spend telling daughter stuff at home.

    3. Qwerty*

      I took it that way as well, that this was more of a plea for help. The daughter is endangering children! She wasn’t about to be fired for typical teen stuff like being late, but actual safety issues. I’m baffled that OP viewed it as trying to get her to “punish” her teen, calls it “tattling” (a phrase I only hear from literal children), and that her response is “she’s your problem” instead of being alarmed to hear her child is putting children in danger.

      I’m not saying it was a smart move by the daycare or something that I would recommend, but it sounds like these are desperate coworkers not the supervisor, or that someone misheard the OP’s greeting to be asking about the daughter

      1. A. Lab Rabbit*

        it sounds like these are desperate coworkers not the supervisor

        From the letter:

        All three managers were in the front office. I smiled and greeted them with, “Hi. How’s it going?”

        As a manager in this case, your priority has to be the safety of the children, not the employee’s job.

        This is just such a bizarre situation that I’m guessing the managers were either very young themselves or had little to no management training. And if I as a parent found out about this, I probably would not want my child in this daycare, especially if they let such egregious issues just fester.

      2. Nia*

        We don’t know that the daughter was endangering children. We know that three extremely unprofessional poor managers say she is. That’s not a particularly credible source to me.

      3. Jane Anonsten*

        The OP posted in the original comments (as Shiloh) that the owner was one of the people in the front office. And honestly, what power does the owner expect the employee’s mother to exert in this instance? The owner has the power to fire the employee, so it does kind of seem like tattling to me, like “what is the purpose of you telling me about a problem that you have the complete power to resolve?”

    4. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      The letter writer DID post in the comments on the original (it’s down toward the bottom) refuting a LOT of the fanfiction that went on in the comments then (and now).

      (Also, in the last few days there’s been a lot of rather uncharitable takes toward the letter writers of these old posts. I get that Alison takes a (well deserved) break round this time of year but that’s not a reason for us to forget the commenting rules. Also, READ the comments on the originals before commenting because there’s often clarifying information from the writer!)

  6. Looking for Mr Krackle*

    In #1, the LW did come to the workplace and ask how everything is going. It sounds the daughter has been doing a poor job overall, so I don’t have a problem with the managers in this case being forthright

    1. Corrvin (they/them)*

      “How’s it going?” is one of the common greetings around here, with an expected answer something like “All right, and you?” I’ve used it quite a bit and would be surprised for someone to answer with more than a few words– it’s a greeting, not really an in-depth query.

    2. A. Lab Rabbit*

      “How’s it going?” is just meant to be a greeting, not a request for information.

      At any rate, it is highly unprofessional for the managers to divulge all of this information. The employee is an adult. Imagine if the employee were 35 or 45. Would it make a difference? If your answer is yes, then you’re allowing ageism to play a role in your thinking. The fact that the employee is 19 and still living at home has absolutely no bearing on this.

      1. Looking for Mr Krackle*

        Of course it’s not ideal and yes the mom was just making small talk

        But if the daughters job performance is as bad as stated, and there’s children’s safety involved I can understand why they said something

        1. A. Lab Rabbit*

          How is the mom responsible for the safety of the children that are this day care? She doesn’t work there, she doesn’t have a child there.

          The safety of the children is the responsibility of the people managing the place, not the parents of the employees. Again, imagine if the employee were 35 years old. Would you change your tune? I bet you would.

          Again, the age of the employee is irrelevant. The managers were unprofessional, full stop.

          1. Pastor Petty LaBelle*

            Your last sentence. That’s it. The age doesn’t matter. This is a work situation and should not be discussed with others. Period.

          2. Looking for Mr Krackle*

            I haven’t mentioned age – you’re the one that keeps bringing that up.

            Yes, the mom isn’t responsible for anything but that doesn’t mean she can’t hear about it though

            1. A. Lab Rabbit*

              Oh, come on. Do you want your boss telling your mom about your job performance?

              Do you want the day care that is taking care of your kids to not manage their employees properly, but to rely on the employees’ parents to manage them? You’re right that there is a safety factor here, but that’s on management to manage.

              1. Looking for Mr Krackle*

                Absolutely it’s all on management. Telling the mom about it doesn’t change that though

                Mentioning it doesn’t mean they expect mom to manage her

                1. amh*

                  It is entirely inappropriate for managers of an adult employee to talk about that employee’s workplace issues with her mother. None of the rest of this matters. There is no justification. If children’s safety were at risk, the managers need to manage. The mother has NOTHING to do with it.

                2. Observer*

                  Mentioning it doesn’t mean they expect mom to manage her

                  Then why mention it? What is “understandable” about gossiping with someone about an employee’s work? Even the parent of the employee.

                  And that assumes, with no reason, that the LW is wrong when she says that they *were* expecting her to do something about it.

            2. Jackalope*

              But age is relevant here because the managers seemed to think that the LW was still responsible for her daughter in a way they almost certainly wouldn’t have assumed had the daughter been older. It’s not a bad thing for parents to discuss things like work ethic with their teenage children, but if someone has a job it’s the responsibility of those in charge of them at the job to figure out things like discipline when needed.

            3. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

              If you make a safety error at work then it’s okay to tell your parents about it? Absolutely NOT. Not then, not now, not ever.

        2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          “Children’s safety is involved!” does not lead to “Does this employee have a mom, grandmother, or other female relative we can appeal to to fix this workplace problem?”

          2. SundayintheParkwithCuriousGeorge*

            That’s disingenuous. The workplace didn’t reach out to the employee’s mother, the mother chose to enter a private and secure workplace where she has no business being, in order to chat to someone while they were supposed to be working. (In my country you’re not even legally allowed inside a daycare unless you have a background check certificate, are the legal guardian of a child registered to that daycare, or have written permission from the legal guardian.)

            IF these drop-ins are a regular distraction it’s understandable to point out that LW needs to stop encouraging her daughter to be unprofessional.

        3. Observer*

          But if the daughters job performance is as bad as stated, and there’s children’s safety involved I can understand why they said something

          Part one and part two of your sentence are actually unrelated to each other.

          If they were that bad, the *appropriate* response was to fire her, not to complain to Mom. The reality is that it’s fairly stupid to think that Mom could do anything, even if she wanted to.

          Keep in mind that if Mom were really just a terrible parent who couldn’t or wouldn’t teach her kid to act like a reasonable adult, what would make any person think that she’s suddenly going to be ready and willing to do something about the current situation? And if Mom is actually a reasonable parent who is being faced with a situation where her adult daughter is putting her job in danger, what exactly is Mom supposed to do about it?

          And that is why I do *not* understand why they chose to try to dump this on Mom.

            1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

              That’s the point. Nothing about mom (LW) makes it reasonable for the staff to talk to her on this subject.

          2. SundayintheParkwithCuriousGeorge*

            “it’s fairly stupid to think that Mom could do anything, even if she wanted to.”

            She could stop dropping by for chats?

            1. Dahlia*

              As per OP’s comment under the original letter:

              “I am not in a habit of stopping by my daughter’s work to “chat.” I had borrowed her car earlier that day as mine was in the shop and I dropped in simply to return the key to her and let her know where I had parked it. I’ve never dropped in to see her at any other time.”

      1. JB (not in Houston)*

        It absolutely should not have, though. It’s a social greeting, not a request for information, and it was unprofessional for the managers to talk to the OP about their employee’s performance.

    4. Cow Whisperer*

      I work in education. I would be highly suspicious of the skill level of the managers if they decided to disclose the issues they have with a relative of mine in response to “Hey, how’s it going?”

      Equally important – what the hell do you expect me to do? Daycare licensing rules are extremely detailed and extremely location based. Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I’m aware of all the details of how to correctly sanitize toileting areas compared to food service areas. It’s as stupid an expectation as expecting a parent to be able to teach their young adult child how to use industrial equipment correctly at home.

      The three managers have a few options. First, they could actively teach their employees how to stay within licencing rules. Second, they could be actively observing and interacting in classrooms rather than complaining at me to do their jobs. Third, if they’ve done their jobs and the employee is hopeless, they need to fire her.

      The only thing I’d do is strongly encourage my kid to find a different job. Being managed by people that clueless isn’t helpful.

      1. Jackalope*

        And honestly, if the LW’s daughter isn’t able to follow the requirements of the job (or chooses not to), getting fired is a reasonable consequence for that. And if she’s fired for reasons she could have fixed but didn’t (because she didn’t think they were that important, for example), then this is a good time to get that life lesson in. Losing a job when you’re 19 and still have a robust safety net is better than losing it later when it’s more likely to have a detrimental effect on your career prospects and could cause you to lose your housing. Obviously we don’t know if the managers communicated clearly with her, taught her the needed skills, etc., but this is a good time for that sort of painful life lesson if it is indeed a lesson she needs to kick herself into gear.

      2. Looking for Mr Krackle*

        I would agree that she needs to find a new job. She doesn’t seem to be doing well at this one.

        But I don’t see how just mentioning these things to the mom means they expect mom to fix anything or do anything at all. Or that the managers aren’t teaching, coaching her etc

        But yes either way it doesn’t seem like it’s working out here

        1. Phone Voice*

          Whatever else the managers expect or are doing, it is inappropriate to discuss an employee’s performance with their family member. Not least if that family member is seen societally as being “in charge” of the employee, such as a parent or a spouse, which really undermines the employee’s autonomy as an individual.

    5. Dahlia*

      So, “how’s it going” is what we refer to as a social script. It is not meant to be a literal question?

      When you, say, go into a store, and the cashier asks, “How are you today?” your answering script is “Fine, thanks,” not, “Well let me tell you about my RASH and my cheating boyfriend!”

  7. CityMouse*

    Asking for SAT scores is wild. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked for them outside of college admissions. I don’t even remember what my score was exactly (I’m in my late 30s and I was part of the transition from the 2 part to 3 part SAT and took it under both systems). Basing employment for a director position on a test you took at 16 is utterly bonkers.

  8. Pocket Mouse*

    LW 1 went to her daughter’s workplace “to tell her something.” In 2020. Honestly, something’s off in the parent-child dynamic already for the parent to go to the child’s workplace to “tell them something” instead of contacting them by phone. While I do think the other daycare staff were out of line in their complaining to another staffer’s parent and the parent was correct that it is their job to do the managing needed, it does seem like the daughter could really use some help developing professionally and the parent comes off as not only unconcerned but as actively hindering that process. Showing up at your child’s place of employment (a daycare, no less! where staff must be focused on their job for safety reasons, and strangers really shouldn’t be allowed on-site) for personal communication that doesn’t need to be done in-person is already crossing a boundary. Then essentially saying “fire her if you feel that way” pings some alarm bells for financial control issues.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Eh, I can see if mom is out and about thinking “oh I’ll just drop by real quick”. There may be issues with their relationship – very hard to say from a short letter! – but mom is right that daughter’s work management is none of her business.

      1. KateM*

        I cannot really see myself thinking “I will drop by my adult child’s workplace real quick”, but then I alsop can’t see myself thinking “I will just give a fast call to my school-aged child during school hours” and according to teachers, that’s a recurring problem, so YMMV. But as you *can* see mother thinking it okay to drop by real quick at their child’s workplace, can’t you also see the daughter’s managers thinking that this is a sign of a parent who is ready to be involved in their daughter’s work life?

        1. amh*

          I’m not ThatGirl, but I sure can’t. I can see someone thinking it’s fine to drop by at a workplace — that’s not been uncommon in many places I work, but I cannot make the leap from that to “It’s ok to talk about workplace issues with an employee with this person who we do not employee.”

        2. ThatGirl*

          To be clear, I would see that as a nosy and/or overinvolved mother, but I have known moms like that.

          The managers are a different issue, but yes, they seem to see the young adult as a kid who needs their parent to keep them in line.

    2. KateM*

      Agreed, considering that the parent came to their daughter’s workplace during work hours and asked her managers in what seems to have been a staff room how it is going, I can see how they took it as their cue to complain about the daughter. OP crossed the boundary first and managers took off with it.

      1. Popinki*

        I don’t know it’s regional or what, but “how’s it going?” to me is just a generic greeting like “how are you?” or “what’s up?” and not an actual request for information.

    3. Popinki*

      If it’s not the mother’s job to manage her daughter, it’s also not her responsibility to guide her professional development. That’s for her superiors to do by imposing consequences for her actions, and “fire her if you have to” means that LW understands that – if Daughter isn’t willing to improve her work, Mom can’t force her to. “Don’t screw around when you’re responsible for the welfare of children” is an important lesson to learn.

      And I honestly don’t get where you’re getting financial control issues from; my mother manipulated me into staying in low-paying jobs so that she could keep me at home to be her housekeeper/nurse/emotional punching bag so I know from parental finance control.

      Dropping in doesn’t surprise me either. Maybe she was in the area. Maybe the daughter can’t have her phone while she’s with the kids. Maybe it’s a small community where people pop in and out all day long.

      Whatever the reasons, I’m sure the pandemic put these issues to rest in a fat jiffy. I hope the daughter has matured and improved her work ethic and that all parties are doing well now.

      1. Looking for Mr Krackle*

        Yes – good catch. I just looked and the date of this letter was in March of 2020 so I have a feeling none of these things mattered too much in the end

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        “[M]y mother manipulated me into staying in low-paying jobs so that she could keep me at home to be her housekeeper/nurse/emotional punching bag” is exactly the flag I’m seeing in this letter, at least with how it was originally written. Keymaster shared below that the parent was actually dropping off the daughter’s car keys and not just “telling her something” which does indeed change the interpretation – though I still see problems with the parent’s response of “how is this my problem?” While it’s not a parent’s responsibility to *manage* their child, it is their *concern* to set their child up for success in the working world and achieve financial independence.

        I’m sorry you experienced parental financial control, and I also hope everyone from this letter is in a better place now.

        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          How was the OP trying to manipulate her daughter into staying at this job? There’s nothing in the letter to suggest that. If anything, the opposite–the OP seemed to be pretty clear that her daughter’s employment was on her daughter to manage.

            1. Jane Anonsten*

              Getting fired from a low paying job at 19 because you repeatedly made mistakes could very well be a wake up call to a person that they need to get their shit together at work, an essential component of someday having a higher paying job.

              I get that you wish OP had responded “heavens! That is horrible!” before saying that she understands if the daycare needs to fire their daughter. Maybe you’ve never been in a situation where you think you’re being told something inappropriate/on the receiving end of information you suspect is illegal for someone to give you (which is what this question is about: is it illegal for my adult daughter’s manager to tell me about her disciplinary issues at work). It may come as a shock to you but in those types of situations people’s brains don’t always latch onto “how can I communicate that the thing in this inappropriate/illegal information is as bad as the person who is telling me thinks it is.”

      3. SundayintheParkwithCuriousGeorge*

        “Dropping in doesn’t surprise me either.”

        None of these things are acceptable excuses. It’s a massive safeguarding failure (and would be straight up illegal in many places). Obviously random members of the public can’t just “drop in” to a random daycare. And it’s especially ironic that this letter if being run now, in a week when the whole “daycare conspiracy” thing is at its height, leading to lots of scary and potentially violent conspiracy theorists showing up at daycares trying to force their way inside.

        “Maybe she was in the area.”

        So what?

        “Maybe the daughter can’t have her phone while she’s with the kids.”

        Then wait. Unless it’s an absolutely dire emergency in which case phone the front desk.

        “Maybe it’s a small community where people pop in and out all day long.”

        If it is, that makes it much more likely that LW and the daycare owners have a pre-existing relationship (and maybe even that LW pulled strings to get her the job), which makes going to LW much more logical.

    4. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      If you read the coments on the original the mother posted an update where she points out she was returning her daughter’s car keys – something that can’t be done over the phone!

      (And ye gods, the LW was raked over the coals in the comments unfairly then and can we NOT have a repeat??)

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        Respectfully, I don’t think many of us are reading all the comments from the original post now, and probably didn’t all at the time either! I was taking the LW at their word that they went there to tell their daughter something. Thanks for pointing out this detail; it does change part of the interpretation quite a bit, but I still think the LW’s attitude raises some flags – just not as many as with the original text of their letter.

        1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

          What part of her attitude raises flags? Help me out here, I honestly cannot see a single thing she did or said wrong.

          1. Pocket Mouse*

            Expanding on my response to Popinki above, the parent’s response of “how is this my problem?” is… off. While it’s not a parent’s responsibility to *manage* their child, it is their *concern* to set their child up for success in the working world and achieve financial independence. Someone who is familiar enough with AAM to write in should know that parents do play a role in introducing some workplace norms and expectations, avoid interacting with the employer in a “parent of the employee” capacity, and can coach their children behind the scenes.

            This parent in particular wrote in with a punitive angle for the staff members’ indiscretion rather than seeking how to course-correct on guiding their child from this point forward. It kinda sounds like they don’t much care if their child is fired from this job or succeeds in the next one.

            1. amh*

              That’s a really different reading than I had, and I can’t quite get my mind to see it the way you are. The LW reads to me as someone who is familiar with workplace norms, recognizes that the managers actions are wildly inappropriate and reacted coldly.

              Part of success in the working world and achieving financial independence is independence, including facing the consequences of not doing a good job. We have no idea of any other part of their relationship and it seems like a reach to extrapolate the way you are here.

            2. Turquoisecow*

              It isn’t the mom’s problem and it shouldn’t be. Daughter is an adult. The relationship between employee and employer is not one that requires parental involvement even when the child is a minor. Even if this was a fast food or retail job, the boss should not be talking to mom about schedule, performance issues, training, pay, etc. and this being an Adult definitely means the managers should not be discussing it with mom.

              Yes, mom can be concerned. Yes, mom can maybe talk to their kid about this and offer support. But it’s not mom’s job to train the kid to do a job that mom doesn’t do. It’s not mom’s job to conduct performance reviews. It’s not mom’s job to tell her kid that she’s failing at a job. That is the manager’s job.

              Usually AAM commenters are in favor of “parents should stay out of kid’s workplace” advice so I’m confused by all this mom-shaming. Just because LW says “how’s it going?” does not mean the managers can dump all their workplace woes on her!

              1. Phone Voice*

                Usually AAM commenters are in favor of “parents should stay out of kid’s workplace” advice so I’m confused by all this mom-shaming.

                Word.

              2. Pocket Mouse*

                We agree about the daycare job piece! I’m highlighting what shows up in the letter – what the LW expressed to the daycare staff about responsibility for managing the daughter in the context of her current job is one thing; what they write in to AAM seeking advice on (and how they describe their perspective to AAM) is quite another. Those two separate lines of communication are different.

          2. SundayintheParkwithCuriousGeorge*

            Aren’t you the American poster who moved to England? (My apologies if I’m mistaking you for someone else – obviously you’re American from your language, but I think I’ve seen you make comments once or twice saying that you live in England?)

            England has super strict safeguarding rules, if a workplace might involve children at all everyone who might hypothetically come into contact with a child has to have a DBS certificate and no unauthorised people are allowed in. If this had happened in England LW would not have been allowed to even enter the daycare, she would have had to leave the keys at the front desk.

            If LW was just swinging by for 30 seconds to leave the car keys at the front desk, that’s fine, but LW added that in a comment which most people didn’t see. The original letter implies she just dropped by a secure non-public workplace for a chat while her daughter was on the clock. And obviously the daughter has been keeping a lot of things secret from her mother, which doesn’t scream healthy relationship. The daughter is allowed to keep the fact she’s failing so badly at work private, of course. But there’s a disparity between the daughter keeping her work life so private from her mother, and the mother disregarding boundaries by showing up at her daughter’s workplace.

            1. Insert Clever Name Here*

              You’re mistaking Keymaster for someone else.

              I think part of the thing here is that what is implied by the OP’s action of dropping by isn’t actually universal! As someone who’s had a letter published here, it’s really hard to determine what things people are going to latch onto.

    5. Dahlia*

      LW addressed this in the comments of the letter. She said, “I am not in a habit of stopping by my daughter’s work to “chat.” I had borrowed her car earlier that day as mine was in the shop and I dropped in simply to return the key to her and let her know where I had parked it.”

      You can’t text keys yet, I’m afraid.

    6. Happy*

      LW had borrowed her daughter’s car and dropped off the keys and told her daughter where the car was parked.

  10. Engineer slash manager*

    I seem to recall reading a while back that SAT scores correlate reasonably well with IQ, which employers may not test for by law. So it might be a backdoor way to guess at IQ.

    1. Clorinda*

      Yes, but IQ is trash as a way of measuring anything beyond some specific academic/puzzle-based thinking skills. And even in academia, you wouldn’t hire someone based on their IQ or even reasonably consider their IQ a factor.

      1. A. Lab Rabbit*

        The IQ test is heavily biased toward middle to upper-middle class white people. So asking about IQ via SAT can also be a way to filter out people of color or people from disadvantaged backgrounds.

      2. Engineer slash manager*

        I didn’t say it would be a good choice by the company. Just that it’s a possible explanation. It should be obvious that SAT scores aren’t remotely relevant when hiring (except maybe for a job as an SAT prep course teacher??).

        Similarly, my employer insists on collecting college transcripts from all applicants to all positions, including internal applicants who already work there and graduated from college decades ago. It doesn’t make much sense to me…once someone has two or three decades on the job, I’m not sure why anyone would care what their grade was in Chemistry 101.

      3. Magnolia Cordelia*

        IQ doesn’t necessarily correspond to how qualified a person is to work at a specific job. It also has no correlation to common sense. Case in point: I live in Massachusetts, whichis constantly ranked as the smartest state in the United States by every measure and metric, year after year after year. The people here (the supposedly “smartest” Americans) are notorious for turning right in the left lane without using their blinkers.

    3. mark132*

      Interesting, I actually did take an IQ test for a job about 15 years ago. I hated it, because it was really a test on how well I did on solving weird difficult puzzles. I decided then, I would never do it again. I just didn’t see how it even remotely applied to how well I would perform at a job. I was applying as a Software Engineer, not puzzle solver.

      I didn’t get the job or a call back from the company, so I guess I bombed the test. Based on my conversation with the company I think they placed a huge emphasis on the test.

    4. CityMouse*

      I’d hazard a guess SAT scores correlate more with your socioeconomic status as a teenager. Like many standardized tests, scores improve with test prep. Test prep costs money.

      1. Observer*

        I’d hazard a guess SAT scores correlate more with your socioeconomic status as a teenager.

        Indeed it does!

    5. Antilles*

      Except even there it doesn’t make sense for a director level position relative to, you know, the decade or more of work experience available to review. If OP was fresh out of college, maybe you could argue for the use of it, but not 15 years later.
      I would also just note that the College Board only promises to maintain accessible records for five years and they changed their archive system such that they effectively don’t have any record of scores before 2005. With the letter being dated 2017 and OP mentioning it had been 15 years since they took it, that means OP’s scores did not exist in any verifiable form. If OP misremembers their score, inaccurately wild-ass guesses at it, or even intentionally exaggerates, there’s zero way of knowing.

      1. mark132*

        I do remember my score from a several decades ago, but I couldn’t tell you what my high school or college gpa was anymore, so I bet a lot of people have forgotten. I don’t know what I would do in that situation. Probably take my best guess and move on.

        Cynical me wonders if you just put a high score down and move on.

    6. Observer*

      I seem to recall reading a while back that SAT scores correlate reasonably well with IQ,

      I would love to see that citation. *Every* item I have seen that has reasonably solid information says otherwise.

    7. Your Local Password Resetter*

      They seem like they’re roughly testing for the same thing anyway. Both are designed to test school children on general knowledge and puzzle solving skills.

  11. Frances*

    #1 In this case I agree with the mother. The daughter is an employee there and it is the supervisors responsibility to decide whether she stays or not. I mean do they hope mom will talk to her? Maybe but at this point the daughter is the adult. And these people cited various mistakes within six months which shows that this place needs to revamp the staff to who is responsible for what in the organization especially in daycare where there are rules and regulations. And I wonder since the daughter is nineteen years old where is she in her job and what she is really supposed to do. But it is your daughter’s job to find out. Maybe she is doing more then she can handle. When I was in my teens I made some mistakes as a camp counselor that led me to almost be fired by the time I was eighteen. It makes me believe when I think about it I needed on the job training, which is something many of these organizations didn’t bother back when they hired people for cheap labor. They would just call several meetings before camp started and I was expected to absorb everything. Now I know some places require at least some kind of certification and coursework and training before working with children. Maybe that is better because at least you went through some training.

    1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      VERY much agree with you. The mother is showing a lot of wisdom by refusing to get involved! The employees should never have said a word about her daughter’s job concerns to her.

      And ‘how’s it going’ is a rather common generic greeting across both sides of the pond. I have NO idea where people are getting the notion that it’s an attempt to ferret out confidential information.

    2. Phone Voice*

      Yes this. When I read LW’s account I internally cheered for her for not being the kind of pushy overinvolved parent we read about so often!

  12. Ess Ess*

    I would find it a ‘red flag’ for a company NOT to invite on-leave employees to the social events. While on leave, they are still employees and performed work during the year so should also be able to participate in the rewards that come with the job.

    1. Susie QQ*

      Yeah, I assume the invite went out to all employees, which of course includes someone on leave. As a manager I wouldn’t go out of my way to reach out personally to someone (personal email or phone) because I treat leave as a zero contact time. But if someone on leave saw the invite in their email and accepted it, I’d be thrilled!

      (It occurred to me that it’s also possible that this person had the event on their calendar before they went on leave.)

  13. SihayaTX*

    #4, I’d take the inclusion of the employee on leave as a good sign. This is how they treat everyone, and it’s a sign for how they’ll treat you one day. I notice you said that you’re replacing this person, but that’s not permanent. If you go full time, that will be another role, separate from theirs. Her return to the office and her social circle is foregone, and she’s part of office life. So you want to get take the cues from all the folk who think they’re great, and get to know them before they’re back, pick their brain for workplace pointers, & etc. (I realize you’re competent to do your job, but everybody wants ways to improve in their *specific* workplace).

    Some offices have really strong friendship groups that are very slow to form. I suspect that’s where you are. I also suspect things will improve a little as soon as you turn full-time. At the very least they’re waiting to see you past your 90 days. But until then, keep guarding your comments to remain professional like you have – like don’t complain that the circle thinks the on-leave worker is great. That doesn’t imply they think you’re not. Not at all. Patience, and keep making money. Good luck.

  14. mark132*

    #3, Asking for SAT scores is so strange. They are at best moderately useful for what they were intended, but for a job, potentially decades after they were taken seems to be meaningless. I would guess the employer was looking for a way of finding out how “smart” the applicant was. But using the results from a test taken on a single Saturday morning likely decades ago seems a poor way to determine that.

  15. MissMuffett*

    My daughter is 19 and worked at a preschool/daycare over the summer as like, a floater. She helped the classrooms keep ratio when teachers took breaks or even vacations. She certainly wasn’t certified as a teacher the way the others are – who all hold degrees in early childhood development. But she was as responsible, at times, for the kids and their wellbeing.
    This is at the preschool she herself went to, which is at our church, and where we know the Director and see her at church. Which is to say, probably closer ties to her job than the average parent.
    And still – I would never have expected to get a litany of her issues if there were any. I agree, I would be saying to them, you need to address these with her and provide whatever consequences are necessary. It’s your relationship with her.
    Fortunately, at one point after summer was over, I just said to the director (who is somewhat of a friend) that I was so glad she hired my daughter, she had had the best summer and just loved the kids, etc, she told me she had never had such a diligent 19 year old employee and she had a job there whenever she needed it. (Which any of you with teens may know the feeling of, oh my kid is a better person in the world than at home sometimes!!) So ofc that was so nice to hear but if there had been issues I’m sure she would have just stayed more neutral and not shared them.

  16. Analytical Tree Hugger*

    I find LW1’s response of, “…okay? So, do something about your employee’s performance issues” super refreshing!

    Yes to appropriate boundaries and parents letting their adult children be adults.

  17. lifebeforecorona*

    LW2 really grinds my gears and the LW getting fired added to it. I really hate the whole “work wife”, “work husband” culture. It’s unprofessional IMHO when most people are there to work. Having someone trying to imply another kind of relationship between her and the clients is disrespectful to both parties. It seeps into other areas, I had someone refer to a co-worker as my “boyfriend” because he was always hanging around because he was low-key stalking me. It’s hard to maintain boundaries when social labels are used in a non-social environment.

    1. Leenie*

      That update is absolutely abysmal, with the LW’s boss becoming head of HR and promptly firing her. That’s what you want in a head of HR – someone who makes inappropriate passive-aggressive comments about the people who report to them instead of just giving them direct and actionable feedback. Sounds like the LW moved on to a better job, so good for her. But what a nightmare.

    2. Magnolia Cordelia*

      The only time when I can see it being okay to call someone your spouse when they aren’t is if you’re both actors playing a married couple.

  18. It's Marie - Not Maria*

    Regarding SAT Scores – sure I can see asking someone fresh out of college for those, but 15 years afterwards with an established track record? Beyond weird. And what if, like me, you took the ACT exam rather than SAT? ACT was very commonly accepted back in the 1980’s when I was applying to colleges. I doubt they want my 40 year old scores.

  19. Mark*

    #4, we have never NOT invited someone on leave to join us for the annual office dinner/party. In fact, we’ve even invited recent (within the last six months or so) departee’s if they were a long-term employee and left on good terms.

  20. Magnolia Cordelia*

    I just read the update to the 2nd one and I’m confused. How exactly is refraining from making “boyfriend” jokes creating negativity for the new employee. Am I missing something?

    1. Your Local Password Resetter*

      It sounded like old boss just didn’t want to deal with the complaint. Actually pretty common for people to turn on the person pointing out the dysfunction, instead of the person who is ithe actual problem.

  21. Magnolia Cordelia*

    But there was nothing to “deal” with. All she had to do was to stop making the boyfriend jokes. I’m still confused.

Comments are closed.