Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Pregnant employee is lying about doing her work

One of my employees is pregnant and has been having a long series of issues at work since the beginning of the year. It shouldn’t matter, but just in case, I am a woman. However, I’ve never been pregnant so this is unfamiliar territory for me.

Her work quality and output has decreased dramatically. She went from being my top performer to my worst. She is no longer able to take the same medication as she usually has, so this is definitely contributing. I agreed to reduce her work expectations 25% early in the year, but she is not able to accomplish the reduced workload, either.

We recently had a discussion about not completing certain types of work because I discovered she had not been doing it at all and was lying about doing so (and tried to deny it). We are allocated 20% of our working time for it. She has missed required meetings due to taking a nap. Every meeting we have begins with, “I’m so tired all the time.” She has chronically zero or negative PTO, and will not work late to make up hours or work on the weekend like others’ on the team (despite the negative PTO). Thanks for any tips or advice you have on managing or coaching in this type of situation.

Pregnancy doesn’t turn people into liars. That’s on her.

Fatigue? Sure. Not having the energy to work more hours to make up ones she’s missed? Sure. Lying, no.

I’m curious what your sense is of what drove that. Was she covering up undone work because she was ashamed and lied in a moment of panic? That’s still not good, but you can work with that more easily than a sustained and/or cavalier lie that she committed to multiple times over a period of months.

Either way, it sounds like time for a serious conversation where you say, “I’m willing to work with you. I’ve reduced your workload to 75% of what it was — and what the rest of the team’s is — but I need you to hold up your end it. That means not missing required meetings or clearing it with me ahead of time if you think you’ll need to, raising it proactively if you’re not able to keep up on work so we can figure out solutions, and — and it’s a problem that I even have to say this — not covering up work that’s not getting done and telling me things are done that aren’t. I’m giving you a lot of grace because you’ve been a top performer, and I’m absolutely open to giving you flexibility during this time, but I need you to work with me. Can we have an honest conversation about what’s realistic between now and your leave and how we can make this work? If we can talk honestly about what you need right now and what the team needs, I think we can move forward. But I don’t know how to make this work if we don’t.”

I was going to warn you that there’s a good chance this won’t resolve when she’s back from leave, because the baby is likely to be exhausting and energy-sapping too … but if she’s able to resume the medication she currently can’t take, that might make a difference. (And if that medication is for ADHD, which it sounds like it might be, shame is very often intertwined with ADHD and could account for — not justify, but account for — the lying.)

2. I want to apologize for snapping at my coworker, but my manager said not to

During a stressful situation last week, I responded to a coworker with an unnecessary amount of snark. Specifically, we work with dogs, and I’d just been bitten (painful, but not serious). The coworker said “Oh, yeah, that dog bites,” and I said “Yeah, no shit.” In hindsight, I recognize she was trying to be helpful, but this coworker often rubs me the wrong way, and it was the end of a long shift. Not my finest moment.

Several days later, my manager casually mentioned that the coworker was upset by my reaction, and that he would try to avoid scheduling us together for a few weeks to let things blow over.

I was going to text her an apology, but my manager specifically told me not to. According to him (and another staff member who was present for the recap conversation), the coworker has a reputation for being “sensitive.” He said she would interpret my apology as evidence of people “talking behind her back.” The manager added that he didn’t blame me for what I’d said, and that he would have said something similar or worse in my situation.

I just checked the schedule, and lo and behold, the “sensitive” coworker and I are working a six-hour shift this week with just each other.

What do I do? I’d like to clear the air before seeing her again, and it feels weird to know she’s upset and not apologize. Presumably, my manager knows her better than I do, but I’m not sure I trust his judgment. This is a very casual working environment, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I behaved unprofessionally, and it feels weird not to acknowledge that.

It wasn’t that unprofessional, in a casual environment. A little sharp, sure — but you’d just been bitten. It would be a lot more unprofessional for your coworker to hold that against you and be weird toward you because of it.

But we also don’t know that she will. She could have felt a little stung in the moment and have gotten over it by now. Wait and see how the shift goes. If she seems upset when you’re in-person, at that point you could say, “I apologize for my reaction last week when Florence bit me. It was heat of the moment, and I didn’t mean to sound upset with you.” That’s a reasonable thing to say if she’s being chilly, and that way you don’t flagrantly do the exact thing your boss told you not to do (text her). And if your boss’s concern about texting was that it would be clear he told you she was upset, this way you’re simply responding to what you see of her with your own eyes.

For what it’s worth, if your boss genuinely thinks your coworker would need several weeks away from you in order to cool off about something so minor, (a) there’s a big problem with this coworker that your boss is being negligent in not addressing, and (b) he shouldn’t have told you he’d schedule you separately and then not followed through, especially without saying anything to you. (If he later realized his idea was an overreaction, which hopefully it was, he should have told you that.)

3. My coworker attacked my boss to me

I was at a social event at my job yesterday, saw a coworker, and asked if he was free after the event to touch base quickly. The conversation went off the rails from there.

We started talking about a long-standing issue in my office that impacts both our teams (a problem with our data fidelity that I’m trying to work on), and I was agreeing with him about the issue. Unfortunately, he took my agreement about this to be agreement that I thought the issue was entirely the fault of my boss. He began to attack my boss, going so far as to say he thought he should be fired, as all he does is collect a salary. I was so shocked that I froze and just made “mhm” noises until another coworker came up to us and I was able to change the topic.

I like my boss! I don’t think the current issues are his fault (he only started in his role about a year ago!), but now this coworker thinks I’m “on his side” about the issues, which I’m vehemently not.

I’m now stuck with two problems: first, I don’t know how to deal with this coworker. He’s not well-liked, and his dislike of multiple team members is well known, but I hadn’t been pulled into it. I’m worried he thinks I’m going to help him, and I need to keep a good working relationship with him. I know that I should have shut the conversation down as soon as it started, but he’s very senior to me, and honestly … I was so surprised at what he was saying that I couldn’t think straight in the moment.

My other worry is that this will get back to my boss. We were at a social event, and if anyone overheard, it would have seemed like I agree with the coworker. After the event, I immediately went and spoke with some trusted coworkers on my team about the conversation, and expressed my horror about it, but some of the possible “overhearers” were people who are very senior to me and not one I would go to to debrief about this. Is this something I should tell my boss? Or do I only bring it up if my boss comes to me? I’ve never been in a position like this before, and I really like both my boss and my job, and I don’t know how to deal with this!

I wouldn’t worry terribly that anyone who overheard thought you were agreeing with your coworker. It doesn’t sound like you said anything bad about your boss, and I suspect this isn’t the only time your coworker has buttonholed someone to unleash his grievances. Yes, ideally in the moment, it would have been better if you had said, “Wow, that’s not my experience with Joe at all” or “I really like working with Joe and don’t think he’s responsible for the problems” … but it’s unlikely that at an event where people were having their own separate conversations, you’ll have come across as if you also were trashing your boss. (But if your coworker raises the topic with you again, make a point of saying those things then.)

You probably don’t need to raise this with your boss. The exception to that would be if you think your coworker will try to be a problem for him, in which case it would be a professional courtesy to say, “Hey, I had a conversation that alarmed me and that I think you should be aware of.” But if your coworker was just griping, you can probably just leave it alone.

4. My coworker keeps pushing me to apply for a transfer I don’t want

I recently finished my master’s degree, and it’s no secret at my employer that I’m now underemployed in my position. I’ve been chasing a couple of internal leads for promotion, but so far, nothing has panned out. My manager doesn’t really understand or value my speciality, and she’s stated outright that she’s not interested in having conversations about my career development or in putting me on projects that would get me working on the things I do (and we have several). Our one-on-one meetings are very task-focused, and if she doesn’t have new work to assign, she cancels them.

A coworker in another department, however, has been very supportive of my need to develop my career. Unfortunately, this has manifested in repeated recommendations to apply for a team with a reputation for toxicity, long hours of putting out fires that could have been prevented if the team would do its research, and unpaid on-call time (we’re all salary exempt). On top of all that, their function isn’t really related to my speciality.

I have no intention of applying with them, and have said as much several times. I’ve also explained why. However, it’s apparently not sinking in with my coworker, who again today advised that I apply for an opening that’s coming up on that team. I don’t know how else to say no, absolutely not, never, I would rather literally set myself on fire than do that job with that group of guys, and I will absolutely leave the company if a move to Toxic Trash Fire Team the only option for “advancement” there. Do you have any suggestions? I don’t know what else to do at this point besides keep up the broken record routine while I continue applying for jobs with other companies.

Keep up the broken record routine while you continue applying for jobs with other companies. “Nope, I’m not interested in working with that department!” “Nope, that team isn’t a good fit for what I want to do.”

And then at some point if you feel like it: “How do I make you believe me when I say I don’t want to work on that team? I don’t know how else to say no.”

But this is one of those problems that becomes much less of a problem if you simply decide you don’t care. Your coworker can keep suggesting you apply to that team, you can keep saying no, and they can’t actually make you do anything differently.

5. Can I ask my previous job to take down old videos I made?

At my previous workplace, a library where I worked through Covid, I was required to create videos almost weekly for our social media pages. There are probably about 40 videos total still up on the Library’s Facebook and YouTube pages.

The problem is that my husband and I are currently in a horrible, aggressive, scary custody battle for his children. Their mother, unfortunately, is struggling with serious mental health illnesses, and their home is no longer safe. In recent weeks, she has begun harassing me online through the constant creation of fake social media profiles. Our lawyer is aware of this, but unfortunately, there is little we can do right now unless she makes an explicit threat. I really hope we can end this case soon, but until then, I am terrified that she’s going to find these videos. Honestly, there isn’t much she could really glean from them, but she’s the type who would absolutely use them to harass and embarrass me in any way possible. Would it be out of bounds to ask my former library to take these videos down? They’re all from 2+ years ago, they are not professional quality in any way, and they truly aren’t anything especially valuable — mostly just short tutorials for craft kits that are long gone.

Explain the situation and ask. Legally they don’t have to agree (since you created as it a work product while you were an employee, they own the videos) but there’s a good chance they will if you explain why you’re asking and especially since they’re for craft kits that the library doesn’t even have anymore. (This would be tougher if they were popular videos that they put a lot of resources into, although even then you could still ask.)

I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Ouija board decor at work

I share an office with two other coworkers who seldom see — I work nights, they work days/my days off — so I don’t know them well. One has slowly been adding decoration to the office that is very understated fandom, that you wouldn’t recognize unless you are also a fan (which I am). That’s fine! But today I came in and they’ve replaced the mousepad with a ouija board one and I am weirdly uncomfortable with that. How can I object to it to people I barely know or see, especially without coming off as super religious (since that seems to be the most common objection to it, but I could not possibly be less religious)? Or am I being way too sensitive not wanting it at work?

Nah, you get to be uncomfortable with it. Some people are uncomfortable with ouija stuff for religious reasons, others because it just creeps them out, and others because they don’t believe in what it represents and don’t particularly want symbols of it in their space. All of those are legitimate, as is any other reason you might have.

Do you see this coworker at all, even just in passing? If so, you could say, “Hey, I really like the (name one or two decorations they added that you do like), but I’m weirdly creeped out by the ouija board mousepad. Would you mind if I brought in a different one, or if we just switched back to the other one?”

Worst case scenario, you just switch it out yourself at the start and end of your shift, but a reasonable coworker will get this and be fine with changing it. Reasonable people will not insist other people use objects that are known to bother others (even if she overlooked that originally).

– 2019

2. My coworker keeps nagging me about drinking diet soda

I have a coworker, a retired doctor from Colombia, who wont stop badgering me or making comments when he sees me drinking diet soda. I am unsure of how to approach the situation because he is a director of an overlapping group to the one I work in, which is much higher up than my position (I’m practically entry-level but I’ve been here for almost a year and a half). Although he was an MD before coming to the U.S., he is no longer practicing and is very into alternative medicine and makes it a point to comment on the things that he believes are bad. One example is that he is strongly against microwaves and will comment if he sees anyone heating up their lunch.

His office is very close to where I sit, and it all started about eight months ago when he struck up a conversation about why I was drinking diet instead of regular soda. I have a lot of reasons, some personal taste and others because I have an insulin sensitivity to carbohydrates and sugar. I know diet soda is not great, but I will gladly drink it instead of risking pancreas failure and diabetes before I am 30. Although none of that information is anyone’s business except my own, I don’t feel like I should have to justify my choices even if I didn’t have to take my health into consideration.

My problem is that nothing I say seems to deter his comments, even explaining my health reasons. He’s even gone so far as to question if I want children or not (because he thinks the artificial sweetener will affect my fertility). He seemed taken aback when I told him that I’ve never wanted kids, and even if it did have fertility side effects it wouldn’t change my mind. After my initial rebuttal where I made my stance clear, he has resorted to only quick comments like “Still drinking diet?” or “What’s that on your desk?” when he passes by my desk about once a week, but it is frustrating nonetheless. I’ve tried to explain myself, ignore it, laugh it off, and act like it doesn’t bother me, but it has really begun to get on my nerves the longer it goes.

Ugh. He’s being rude. It doesn’t matter that he’s not practicing medicine here; even if he were, he’s still not your doctor, and thus he’s butting into business where he doesn’t belong.

On the other hand, you may have inadvertently signaled to him that you’re fine with all this — the laughing, explaining, acting like it doesn’t bother you, and engaging with him about your fertility all may have reinforced for him that this is a topic you’re okay discussing. So I think you’ve got to make it clearer that you’re not.

I get that there are hierarchy issues in play, but is this the kind of office where you can just directly say to him the next time, “Hey, can you stop commenting on my soda? Thanks.” Or, “I think we’re done with this debate, so can we put the soda comments to rest?” Or, “I have a ban on soda comments now. The window of opportunity has closed.”

If your office culture is such that you really can’t do that, then I’d try to ignore the offhanded comments (looking slightly incredulous that he’s still talking about it might help, though) and only address it if he starts another real conversation with you about it. If he does the latter, then you can say, “You know, I appreciate the info you’ve shared, but I don’t want to keep talking about it.” And then stick to that — if he keeps trying, keep declining to engage.

– 2017

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Changing into biking clothes in the office bathroom

I’m in my first job as an HR assistant. Many people in the organization are similarly young and we’re generally pretty casual. I have been wondering about the social norms around changing outfits in the bathroom.

One of the great joys I’ve found since starting my job is biking home from work. I usually put my bike on a bus in the morning (wearing my work clothes) and change to bike back. We don’t have another space I could change other than the women’s bathroom. There is a bike room in the building, but anyone can enter at any time and I normally run into a male bike commuter every time I’m there.

People definitely change sometimes in the bathroom (I notice someone doing it like once a month), but if I had my way I’d be biking 2-3 days a week. Are there any tips for what I should and should not do? Am I overthinking this?

Changing in the bathroom is fine and normal! Use a stall so that coworkers aren’t walking in on you in your underwear (don’t be these people), but it’s totally fine to change in the bathroom.

– 2019

4. Our new office toilet paper is terrible

The company I work for had a change over in president recently. This president has a much more significant financial background. Computers went from being upgraded on a certain timeline to only if they break and office supplies all got cheap, including tissues and toilet paper.

The toilet paper we now use is very rough single ply, and it’s causing havoc with my body. Over the weekend when I’m not at work, everything starts to feel better, but then I go back at the beginning of the week and it goes back to hellish uncomfortable conditions. I’ve always been super sensitive to things in that area but I’m a loss what to do. I really don’t want to have to carry toilet paper back and forth between my desk and the bathroom in our open office plans. Do you have any other suggestions for what to do?

You can try talking to whoever orders the supplies and asking if it’s an option to switch back to the previous toilet paper, but chances sound pretty good that you’re going to hear no. If it’s truly terrible toilet paper — like less sensitive people are also dismayed by it — then you might have more luck approaching it as a group. (Which will require you to discreetly ask coworkers you’re close to if they hate the new toilet paper too, which is exactly the kind of conversation I would enjoy but you might not.)

But otherwise, yeah, unfortunately I think you’ll need to bring in your own. Rather than carrying a roll of toilet paper about the office, you could put it in a bag or purse, although I realize that’s still not ideal.

– 2018