Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employer wants job candidate to “show loyalty” by not interviewing for other jobs

My partner recently interviewed at a potential employer. The feedback was good, and he has now heard from his recruiter that they are going to make an offer. However, the recruiter also said that the employer asked that my partner “show loyalty” and stop interviewing for other roles while they put the offer package together. I asked if perhaps this was coming from the recruiter who could be protecting his cut, but apparently the employer mentioned it in the interview as well. Is this weird? It seems weird.

It’s weird. And frankly it’s also inappropriate and crappy. There’s no “loyalty” to be shown here. First of all, your partner doesn’t work for this company yet and doesn’t even have an offer from them. I’m sure they’d think it was wildly inappropriate if he asked them to show loyalty by stopping conversations with other candidates because he was considering taking a job with them. Second, he has no way of knowing if the offer, should it materialize, will be acceptable to him. Why should he pass up opportunities with other employers for an offer he might not even end up taking?

If they want to ensure they don’t lose him to other employers, the way to do that is to move quickly and make him an enticing offer. It’s also smart to tell him that’s in process so that he can factor that into his thinking, but how he factors it in is his call, not theirs.

2. My son sent my boss an embarrassing photo of me, and my boss shared it with everyone else

I recently had extensive dental work done that required strong medication, which basically meant I was doped for the day. My 27-year-old son took me and sometime during the day, took a picture of me doped and swollen then sent it to my boss! Unfortunately for me, my boss thought it was funny and sent it to my entire staff.

I’ve already discussed with my son how inappropriate this was and that it was a breach of trust. (Send to your brother, fine. Send to my boss, not fine.) But how do I address this with my boss? We generally have a good relationship, but I’m so upset by this and want to make sure it’s handled professionally.

Agh, I want to have a word with your son — what was he thinking?! How does he even have your boss’s email address, let alone think he should be communicating with him about anything? I am outraged on your behalf.

Anyway, as for your boss: I’m assuming he didn’t realize that your son sent it without your permission, and he probably mistakenly thought that you felt it was all in good fun. That doesn’t mean he should forward embarrassing things without your okay, but that’s likely where he was coming from. If you don’t have reason to think this will come up again, it might not be something you need to address. But if you want to, you could say, “My kid actually sent that without my permission and I was mortified that it got sent around. I’ve obviously spoken with him, but I wanted to let you know for the future where I stand on stuff like this — I find it embarrassing, not funny.”

3. My boss won’t give me her blessing to apply for another job in my company

A job recently opened in my company that would be a promotion for me, with associated new challenges and increased responsibility. I’d be working in roughly the same office with the same people, but no longer under my direct supervisor (I would be her peer). I reviewed the job ad extensively, identifying my fit for the position, and determined that I would be a strong candidate. Using the advice from so many columns and articles, I spoke to my boss about this. I told her I would like to apply but would like to know if I would have her support.

To my surprise, she said no and cited the fact that some experience is required for the position that was not listed in the extensive job description—either in the job duties or required/preferred experience. I was flummoxed.

I am trying to decide now if this was intentional to keep me under her purview (I am a high performer, and she gave me a near-perfect annual review), or if she has provided useful information that will save me the embarrassment of applying for a job for which she knows I would not be competitive. Additionally, I wonder if I approached this wrong, and should have simply told her was applying, rather than “asking for her blessing.” Finally, what are my options going forward? I have a relationship with the hiring manager (my boss’s boss), so I could also ask her directly, but would this be bad form? I may also be useful to know that I work in a small office, have been here for just over two years, my boss is not much older than me and has no intentions of leaving (so replacing her eventually is not a possibility), and promotion opportunities like this come around rarely.

It’s certainly possible that your boss is right about the job requirements, and it’s possible that she has legitimate reasons for not thinking you’re right for the role. But in most cases, the correct response in that situation would still be, “I don’t think it’s the right fit because of XYZ, but I of course understand if you want to throw your hat in the ring.” And also, “If it doesn’t work out, let’s talk about other ways for you increase your responsibilities and keep you growing in this role or another one.”

I’d go ahead and talk with the hiring manager directly and get her take on it. And if she encourages you to apply, do. That’s a reasonable thing to do; if you’re a high performer who’s put in two years, your boss should not be standing in the way of you applying for other roles. Also, if you think there’s any chance that she’ll try to sabotage your chances because she just doesn’t want you to move out of your current role, discreetly mention that to the hiring manager too (“I get the sense that Jane wasn’t happy when I mentioned I wanted to apply — between you and me, I’m concerned she may fight to keep me where I am”).

And no, I don’t think you did anything wrong by the way you initially approached it. Knowing what we now know about your boss, yeah, it would have been better to just let her know you were applying — but you couldn’t have known that ahead of time.

4. Can I tell a fun story about myself in my cover letter even though it’s not related to the job?

I once had to give a presentation in a swanky hotel in Europe to some of the highest level executives in my company. I was nervous beforehand and worked very hard on the presentation. It went great, and as we were exiting the conference room, we saw the Dali Lama step off the elevator! He stopped and greeted our party warmly before he continued on. I am in the midst of writing cover letters and wonder how would I include this little story which is so much fun? I know it has nothing to do with my skills, but it is a really cool thing that happened to me.

It is a cool thing, and it does not belong in a cover letter. Your cover letter is for showing why you’re a strong candidate; it doesn’t make sense to use the (very limited) space there to relate interesting anecdotes that don’t make you a stronger candidate.

I think you might be thinking that this is a way of showing personality, but you want to do that via talking about relevant stuff that’s related to why you’d be awesome at the job.

5. I found an interview invitation in my spam folder — five days later

I applied for an assistant position at a company through a job board. It was listed as confidential, but the position fit my skills and experience perfectly. I didn’t get a response in the next few days but thought nothing of it, given in the past it’s usually taken a week or so for a job to call me about an interview.

Today, I was cleaning up some stuff in my email account and decided to check my spam folder, which I check fairly frequently (and which recently has been bombarded with phishing scams and other sketchy items). In there, I found a reply email from that job, sent five days ago, asking me for my availability next Wednesday (read: today) for an interview. The signature included the name and location of the company, and my email through the job board was included in the reply, so I know it’s real. I usually am able to catch legitimate emails that fall into my spam folder in time, but this one fell right through the cracks and now I’ve missed the deadline for an interview and possibly the job entirely.

How can I go about this gracefully? I want to explain the situation so I don’t look bad, but I also feel as if it’s embarrassing on their part to point out that Gmail considers their emails to look like phishing scams. I still really want his job and I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity because of something like this.

“I’m so sorry for the delay in responding to you — for some reason Gmail sent this to my spam folder. I’m very interested in talking with you and hope I haven’t missed your window. I can make myself available any time Friday and much of next week as well. Is there a time that would work on your end?”

You don’t need to say anything about Gmail considering their emails fishy (phishy?); they will put that together themselves if they hear this enough (and it might actually just be a fluke that doesn’t require any changes from them). They are unlikely to be embarrassed.

(Interview invitations going to spam was the topic of my very first post on this site nine years ago!)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. New coworker keeps asking if I hate him

In my department, there are only three positions, and one has been something of a revolving door for a couple years. The newest hire in that position is highly irritating. He constantly asks questions then almost instantly forgets what you tell him (these are mostly “what are you doing this weekend?” and “what day is that event you’re going to?” type of questions). His other favorite thing to ask me is if I hate him. This questions pops up at least every other week in different formats and I dodge it as best I can, because quite frankly I do. His latest endeavor is to ask me to go to lunch and no excuse for me not to is good enough for him. Any advice?

I wonder what would happen if you said yes the next time he asks if you hate him? But I suppose that’s not good advice so instead, the next time he says it, say this: “That’s a really odd question to continue asking a coworker and it’s getting exhausting to answer over and over. Please stop asking me that.”

With the insistent lunch requests: Ideally you’d say something like “I usually read/run errands/(other activity) during lunch, so I don’t usually eat with coworkers.” But if you can’t credibly say that because he sees you eating with coworkers … ugh, I hate to say it but you probably should invite him to join you with them once or twice, in the interests of not being totally unwelcoming to a new colleague. But if you really don’t want to (like if he’s an offensive person as well as just annoying), you could go with “I usually have other plans for lunch.”

With the constant repeating of trivial questions, ask him what’s up: “You’ve asked me that a few times.” “Do you know you keep asking me that?” “I will answer that if you promise to remember my answer and not ask me again in 20 minutes.” (Watch your tone on that last one though; it will feel mean if you don’t say it nicely.)

Read an update to this letter here.

2. I have to eat dinner with coworkers every night on business trips and I’m exhausted

I am new to business travel, and have found that I am expected to eat dinner with my coworkers every night. I have nothing in common with my coworkers and would much rather have time to myself. Being with them 12 hours a day is exhausting! Unfortunately, they sometimes talk about work items during the meal, which is why I am expected to attend.

Is this normal on a business trip? Is there anyway I can get out of attending?

It’s not unusual to have the option of eating with a group of coworkers every night on a business trip — in the “hey, let’s go get dinner” sense, where it would be totally fine for you to say “actually, I’m meeting up with a friend who lives here” or “I’m exhausted and going to head back to my room.”

It can also be an expectation on short trips of one or two nights — in that context, it’s sometimes used to debrief the day or create getting-to-know-you-better time with non-local coworkers who you don’t normally see.

But if these are longer trips, it’s pretty unusual to require/expect it every night — especially if it’s just because people sometimes talk about work. In that situation, I’d expect to see people bowing out or pleading exhaustion. Of course, sometimes no one wants to be the first one to do that, and it can be tough to pull off if you’re junior and/or new. If that’s your situation, though, I think you could still ask your manager or another coworker whose judgment you trust whether it’s okay to skip some of these. (And in doing that, you might discover it’s not really mandatory.)

3. I found out on Twitter that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for

I recently applied for a position that I was somewhat under-qualified for, but the interviewer encouraged me to apply anyway. After a phone pre-screening interview and an in-person interview, I didn’t get a clear answer about when the next steps in the hiring process would be. So I sent a follow-up email after a few days thanking them for the opportunity and asking when I should expect to hear back from them. Given that it’s a government-related job, I know it takes a longer time to come to a decision.

That was about two weeks ago. Fast forward to this morning, I’m on Twitter and discovered my interviewer (who’s a prominent person in this niche community) congratulating the successful hire and welcoming him to the team. I wasn’t expecting to find out about the result that way, especially since I didn’t get a response at all about moving forward or not. Despite my minor devastation, I’m not sure if this is borderline unprofessional and if I should mention my social media findings to my interviewer at all. What are your thoughts on handling this? Am I overreacting and being vengeful?

They should have let you know that they were rejecting you before it was publicly announced. That said, that might not be the interviewer’s fault at all; she may have thought HR had taken care of that and not realized that they hadn’t.

I’d let it go. Or at most, you could email your interviewer and say something gracious like, “I saw your announcement on Twitter about hiring Valentina Warbleworth. While I’m disappointed not to get an offer, I really enjoyed talking with you and wish you all of the best with the new program you’re launching.” (Note that there’s nothing here taking them to task about how you found out, since there it won’t help you to make a stink about that. But they should be able to read between the lines and figure out that someone on their side messed up.)

4. What’s the average raise?

In 2011, you wrote an article citing data that the average raise that year was 2.8%. Do you have any new insights on raises, five years later? My hunch is that not much has changed, but I’m curious to hear your take.

The average raise in 2016 is expected to be 3%, or 4.6% for top performers. It’s interesting, isn’t it? People usually assume it’s much higher. Keep in mind, though, that these are averages and if you are stellar at what you do, in some organizations you can aim much higher.

5. How should I list my student job on my resume?

I graduated from college in December 2014. While in school, I was a student assistant in a campus department for two years. In May 2015, their admin assistant abruptly left and they hired me into that position. I’m about to start a master’s here as well, but my department will be moving to another campus next summer, so I’d like to find a job elsewhere in the university before that time.

What’s the best way to list my student job, if I even should? I feel like it reflects well on me that the same people hired me twice, but the tasks I did as a student weren’t particularly difficult (making copies, setting up events, doing basic research, etc.) so I don’t want to spend too much resume space on them. If it’s relevant, I’m actually still doing all of the work I did as a student assistant, as we no longer have a budget to hire a student to do it.

Also, will having worked here before make me look like less of a job-hopper if I move on before the two-year mark? A former colleague (who helped hire me both times) thinks that it will, but I’ve still only been in this position for about a year, and I’m not sure that being a student assistant really counts for much.

You should definitely list it. There’s value in them knowing your work and choosing to hire you for a higher-level position. You could either list it on its own with just a single bullet point describing the work you did there (if you feel like there aren’t really accomplishments to list) or you could lump it in with the later position and list it like this:

Teapots University
Administrative Assistant, May 2015-present
Student Assistant, April 2013-April 2015

And yes, job hopping tends to be more about the total time spent at one employer, so this isn’t likely to look like job hopping. (Plus it’s a little more normal to move around very early in your career anyway. You’re fine.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m worried I’m in the wrong career

I am working in a public accounting firm right now and I thought this was “the dream.” In high school, I decided not to pursue my dream of medicine and instead go for business because it was the safe route, and medicine seemed intimidating while math was easy. After three years, I graduated at the top of my class and immediately started working as a bookkeeper. After less than a year, I was already looking for new work and after a year of searching I was hired on by a public accountant. I was so excited about my future in accounting that I spent thousands enrolling in night classes to get a degree on top of my diploma.

The work is interesting and the pay is low but keeps me afloat. The big problem is that my heart has never really been 100% into my work and this new job is no exception. I’ve been here for four months now and I am already looking at the classifieds. I also have the burning urge to drop my university business classes.

My parents suggested that I am just setting my expectations too high, repeatedly emotionally crashing and subsequently feeling as though I need to change my career to be happy. They said I need to stop daydreaming about going to school to be a nurse or a doctor and instead try to dream about being an accountant. I may also just be jealous because my younger sister just graduated and is now working in health care. She works part-time and makes more than what I bring in full-time and is in love with what she is doing.

While their advice makes sense, I can’t help but wonder when you are supposed to make the decision that you’ve chosen the wrong career – particularly when you feel like this periodically throughout the year, every year. I won’t always be in the position where I could afford to take out student loans and go back to school full-time, but I also don’t want to be impulsive and end up with a library of degrees and no actual career.

You’ve wanted to go into medicine since you were in high school. This would hardly be an impulsive decision.

Please don’t let your parents talk you out of pursuing the career you want. You can’t “try to dream” about doing something you don’t like, and the fact that they’re advising that makes all the rest of their advice suspect.

If you’re worried that the reality of medicine will be less appealing than the dream of it, start taking classes on the side. You did night classes in accounting while you were working full-time, so you’ve demonstrated that you can go to school while you work. Why not take some classes in medicine now and see if the appeal holds?

2. Boss posted Hawaii vacation photos right after layoffs

Our company recently had layoffs. I was laid off, along with about 20% of our department. We are all friends on Facebook and less than a week after he laid us off, my ex-boss went on vacation to Hawaii and was posting all these dreamy photos of his vacation to Hawaii. This seems to me to be in incredibly poor taste, given that he knows that several of us are now unemployed and have families we are struggling to support. Do you agree or am I being petty?

Nope, it’s in poor taste. I mean, logically it’s fine that he’s taking a vacation — but he should have been more thoughtful about the way it would be perceived by you and your laid-off coworkers.

It was Facebook so he may have simply forgotten that he’s Facebook friends with you, but if you’re going to Facebook-friend people you manage (and I’d argue that you probably shouldn’t), you’re obligated to remember to think about things like that.

3. How do I explain I need to ride in the front seat without sounding rude?

I just started a new job that I love, and I wanted to ask your advice on a strange problem I’ll be facing. I’ve never traveled much for business and now I’ll be doing so frequently. Much of the travel is by car and while it sounds like I’ll be alone or with one other person the majority of the time, there will be occasions (there’s actually one coming up next week) where three people will be in the same car, sometimes for long periods.

I get VERY carsick riding in the backseat for longer than a few minutes. For long trips, riding in the front is non-negotiable if I want to avoid the technicolor yawn. This is hard enough to navigate with family and friends — I truly hate asking someone else to ride in back so I don’t have to — and I’m worried that with colleagues, it will seem entitled and kind of bratty.

I suppose this is silly, because it’s not like I’m demanding accommodation for a mere preference — and hopefully I can drive most of the time so it won’t be an issue — but if it does come up at some point, how would you suggest phrasing my need to ride in front without sounding rude or entitled?

Just be direct and explain the situation: “I get horribly carsick really quickly when I sit in the backseat, so would you mind if I sat up-front?”

Also volunteering to drive most of the time is likely to make people even happier to accommodate you (as long as you’re a decent driver).

4. Explaining how you know a coworker when you don’t want to share the real answer

A friend of mine had a slightly awkward moment at work and I wanted to get your opinion on it. My friend (let’s call her Serena) started a new job couple of weeks ago and just finished training. Today her former trainer dropped by her desk and mentioned that he had found out that she knew someone working on another floor and asked (in a friendly way) how she knew that person.

The thing is, Serena runs a regular kink discussion group/workshop with a local nonprofit. It’s just adults getting together to talk and learn new things, but it is something sex-related that is not usually discussed at work. She knew the coworker from there.

Serena lied in her answer, claiming she knew the person from university, but I wonder if there is another way to answer this question. (Or any other perfectly innocent question where an honest answer would lead to NSFW topics.)

Vague is good in these situations: “Oh, we’ve known each other casually for a while.” (Few people are going to follow up with “yes, but HOW DID YOU MEET ORIGINALLY?”) Or, “We have some mutual friends.” Or “I can’t even remember now how we met, but I think we hang out in similar circles.”

5. Are my scheduling requirements unrealistic?

I’m going to be job hunting soon, and I want to keep something resembling my current schedule when I get hired. Specifically, I want to ask for the following:

1. Must have two days off in a row (a “weekend”) every week. (I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE split weekends.)
1a. Must be the same two days every week. (Don’t want a random weekend.)
2. Must have one weekday off every week. (For non-work-related things; doctor appointments and such.)
2a. Appropriate manager can select which day.
2b. Must be the same weekday every week. (So I can plan far enough in advance.)
2c. Can be included as part of my “weekend,” or not.
3. I will reject any offer that doesn’t agree to all of the above.

How do I say this without sounding like a jerk? (Am I being a jerk?) When is the right time to mention this, when I apply, or during the interview? (My thoughts are along the lines of, when applying, put availability as “special, will discuss during interview.”) Should I require this to be in writing, especially for jobs without contracts?

You won’t sound like you’re a jerk, but you might sound out of touch and unrealistic. Whether or not you will depends on the norms of the industry you work in, so unfortunately I can’t tell you for sure. Are you in a field where it’s pretty normal for people to have these kinds of requirements, and hiring managers expect it? If so, then great — go for it. But if you’re not — if you’re in a field where this would be pretty unusual — then proceed with caution.

For what it’s worth, though, the way you’re presenting it here makes it sound much more demanding than you actually are. You’re really just saying that you’d like the same two days in a row off each week, and that you want at least one of those two days to be a weekday. That sounds a lot less demanding than the way you’ve written out above, so I’d present it that way if you pursue it.

As for getting it in writing, employers may not care to put this in writing for you, because they reality is that they’re going to want to retain scheduling flexibility if they end up needing it. So they’re unlikely to do something that they might worry would lock them into committing to this forever … but there’s no reason that you can’t send them an email saying “I just wanted to summarize what we agreed to” and then listing it out. That’s not because that will lock them in, but because it can help avoid miscommunications later on about what was agreed to.