weekend open thread – September 26-27, 2020

by Alison Green on September 26, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: With or Without You, by Caroline Leavitt. After awakening from a coma, a woman discovers that her life — and she herself — have changed.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,257 comments… read them below }

  1. Nacho*

    I’m trying to make sugar cookies, and I’m finding 3 general kinds of recipes: ones with baking soda, ones with baking soda and baking powder, and ones with baking soda and cream of tartar. the rest of the recipe doesn’t seem to change, so I have to assume it’s just a matter of how the final product turns out. Does anybody know the difference?

    2. All the cats 4 me*

      They all act in different ways chemically, but the final product should not be significantly different.

      But! I like my sugar cookies nice and flat so I can decorate them, so I never put in any leavening (soda, or powder, or cream of tartar) and they still rise due to air incorporation when creaming the butter and sugar.

      I don’t bother with leavening in choc chip cookies either. I find the creaming of butter and sugar gives enough rise to the cookies.

      Ummm… cookies. I might have to bake soon!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        My favorite sugar cookie recipe only uses butter, sugar, egg yolks, and flour. I have creamed the butter and sugar by hand in the past (not recommended but it worked well enough), but this year I’m happy to have a stand mixer to do that part!

    3. Anonbeth*

      It has to do with the timing of the rise. Baking powder won’t start to rise until it reaches a certain temperature; baking soda will start as soon as it touches an acid. The recipe with both agents will have two rises (one immediate, one in the oven as the baking soda is winding down). So, probably depends on how puffy you like your cookies and how quickly you can get them into the oven. Source: half-remembered Cook’s Illustrated article on preferring dual raising agents for biscuits!

      2. Firecat*

        A lot of baking powder is twice rising so it rises at low temp then at oven temp. That’s why letting your cookie dough rest impacts the rise of the cookies.

    4. noahwynn*

      Baking soda needs an acid to react with, that’s why you see cream of tartar added in recipes like sugar cookies where there’s not much. Brown sugar is an acid, so a lot of chocolate chip cookies only use baking soda.

      Baking powder is baking soda with a powdered acid. When liquid is added the two can combine. Does the same thing as adding cream of tartar to baking soda. However, baking powder also has a second chemical that creates a rise when exposed to heat in the oven. So usually cookies made with baking powder will be fluffier than those made with solely baking soda because of the second rise in the oven.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think technically the ones with cream of tartar are the base for snickerdoodles. At least, when I was trying to figure out the difference between snickerdoodles and sugar cookies, that was the overwhelming answer: snickerdoodles have cream of tartar and are rolled in cinnamon sugar before baking.

      1. Anonnington*

        I had the same thought when I read that. Maybe snickerdoodles are considered a type of sugar cookie.

    6. Venus*

      Baking powder = baking soda + cream of tartar
      So there are only two types of recipes – ones with cream of tartar and ones without.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Welllllll, sort of. Every baking powder is baking soda + an acid salt. Some brands contain sodium aluminum sulfate, some contain calcium acid phosphate, some have both. You can make your own at home by mixing cream of tartar (potassium hydrogen tartrate) with baking soda.

    8. Germank106*

      You can substitute the cream of tartar with lemon juice. You get the acid that reacts with the baking soda, but they won’t be quite as puffy. I use one tablespoon of lemon juice for every two teaspoons in a recipe.

    9. Tineke in 't Veld*

      I had been without a car for many years, and bought a used gray Honda Civic in 2006 (which I am still driving). My sister asked me excitedly, “What are you going to name it?” I had no plans to name the car (as I did not know this was a thing), but I came up with something she would not keep asking me about it. The car was dubbed Beverly Nondescript. I wish I could convey in this comment how much this cracks me up.

    10. Nacho*

      Turns out the difference is that cookies with only baking soda are basically just pancakes. They don’t rise, they just spread out and become gooey and chewie.

      1. Anonbeth*

        Did the recipe have lemon juice or another acid in it? If not, there was nothing for the baking soda to react with, which means no rise.

  2. Free Meerkats*

    Do you name your cars?

    On Tuesday I picked up my new black Honda Clarity PHEV. Historically I haven’t named many of mine, but someone asked me what I named it. If I do, this one is definitely female.

    And I’m getting some joking comments at work along the lines of, “Got promoted and bought a new car? How cliche.” While it’s true, I’ve been looking at cars for a couple of months now.

      2. Merci Dee*

        My previous charcoal grey Soul was The Gray Lady. In May I traded it in for a 2020 silver Soul, which is known as Rowena.

        Pretty sure my next new car will also be a Soul. Those things tend to grow on you.

    2. Might be Spam*

      My daughter calls her car Stella. My car doesn’t seem to need a name, but my laptop is definitely named Rosebud.

    3. Slugbuglady*

      Last night I bought a 2013 beetle convertible. I named him Goldbug. Anyone else love the book Cars and Trucks and Things That Go? in 2015 I sold an ‘04 named Louise and it was classic red (just like the pig family had); so happy with the newer model.

    4. Well...*

      My family named cars when I was growing up. We had a big red truck named Clifford, and a small Honda named Belle that was bought for me when I was learning to drive but my mom loved it so much she took it for herself. I got to take the white van to school (overall deemed not worthy of a name). Much later I finally did get Belle when I went to grad school.

    7. Amy*

      My wife is someone who names cars, so she called her white Ford Fiesta Button. When I got my blue Toyota Prius mine, I felt I ought to follow suit so called it Stitch. Then we got a black Cube electric bike and called it Zip. For complex reasons, we have traded Button to a friend for the duration of the pandemic and when we got their tiny silver Ford Ka we called it Bobbin. :D

      I am a crafter, my wife is not; no idea why she went with Button! But I enjoy the theme.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I didn’t see the theme at first because in the movie ‘Lilo & Stitch”, the character Stitch is blue. I just assumed it was a cranky car ! :)

    8. SmokeOnTheWater*

      Only the ones with personality. My current car is a good car but basically has as much character as a refrigerator.

      1. One Commenter*

        Ha! We used to call my mom’s old VW van refrigerator…but that was because it looked like one (long, white, boxy) and it took a while for the heat to kick in.

      2. MelMc*

        I never named cars until this one because I’m not that attached to them. My current car is named Thumper because it feels like everyone goes out of their way to thump the poor thing. Thumper got her first scratch within 36 hours of driving off the lot brand new. It was in fender-benders that required body work twice before it was a year old. It feels like people go out of the way to open their doors into her sides. But the biggest mystery is the scratch across the top of the trunk. Did someone drag something over my car while it was in the parking lot? Thumper is just cursed to a life of chipped paint.

    9. Lena Clare*

      I quickly scrolled past that and like, yes of course I named my cats?! Then realised cars, d’oh.
      My first car was a Percy Peugeot, then after that nah.
      But I did name my stuffed toy cat Sir Stanley Arthur Audobon.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      All of them that I’ve ever driven. Including rentals. I won’t go through the whole list, but my first CR-V was a light blue called Mountain Mist, which made me think Scandinavian, and her name was Sif. A couple years ago she was totaled by Stupid Dennis deciding that stoplights are optional while texting and driving. I commented when I went to clear all my stuff out from the tow yard that she was off to ride the hills of Valhalla, and my brain tacked on “…shiny and chrome.”

      Her successor, which was another CR-V (because I walked away from being pancaked between a sedan and a 3/4 ton pickup at 50+mph with a hairline fracture of one rib and that’s it, not even any bruises or soreness) immediately became Nux the Warboy as a result. (I have plushy cheerful red and white blood cells in the console named Larry and Barry. Most of that won’t make any sense if you haven’t seen Mad Max Fury Road but it’s one of my favorite movies.)

    11. WellRed*

      I drive a silver Dodge Caliber I think of as the Silver Scarab. The shape of it reminds me of the stones on my scarab bracelet.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I drive a 15 year old Scion XA it is cobalt blue and is an adorable shape, so I call it the blue Jellybean of Joy

    12. RecentAAMfan*

      When my oldest son started driving he named our Toyota minivan (mostly affectionately) The Loser Cruiser. The name stuck till we finally got rid of it many years later!

      1. Bittersweet_silver*

        I started driving in the family minivan (Toyota Sienna) and it was called the Swagger Wagon! My group of teenaged friends were impressed at the storage, seating capacity, and ability to crank the XM radio :)

      2. Stephanie*

        Haha! When my daughter was in the marching band, and before she had her license, I drove her and her friends to band events often. She was in the drumline, as were several of her friends, so we always had at least one drum rolling around the back of my minivan. Once, when one of her friends was getting in my car, a drumstick fell out and some instruments shifted around–noisily–as she got in. She laughingly said “I’m riding in the Bandwagon!”
        It didn’t exactly become the car’s name, but we would refer to it that way sometimes.

      3. em*

        My sister and her friends called our mom’s van the Loser Cruiser too! It was the Dodge caravan every mom drove in the 90s lol

    14. The Spinning Arrow*

      I do! My first car ever was an old ‘87 hand-me-down from my dad and then my older brother which I affectionately named “Tank” (and he lived up to that moniker!) My second car was a silver Saturn I named Titan (as a nod to Tank and also because I thought it was REALLY clever), and my current car is a bright red Corolla I named Corki.

    15. Lizabeth*

      Absolutely! Generally a play off the car model – CV (Honda Civic) and Tessie (Tesla)

      Except for my Mom’s Geo Tracker – we call it Sydnie after her when we bought it after she stopped driving. She thought it was a little strange but it fits.

    16. Gaia*

      I name my cars after the surname of presidents, states(wo)men, and other leaders. It started as a joke years ago, but it has just stuck. Each car connects in some way with their name (a previous car was Pierce because it was a beautiful and dramatic blue, which someone called “piercing blue.”)

      I love naming my cars. I know some people think it is silly but my car is important to me, so why not name it? Incidentally, while all my cars have been named for men, I always refer to them as “her.”

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My college Civic was Flo (after ‘Kiss my grits!” Flo from the 70s TV show set in Mel’s Diner).
      When I bought camping pickup, he was Hobo …not only because he was a Ranger, but because the first song that came on the radio (college station folk show) was ‘King of the Road”.
      My husband’s Valiant was either “Prince” or “Valiant-she-ain’t” (when breaking down).
      One car was ‘the weasel” because of the license plate assigned.
      The others, no name has stuck.

    18. Jules the 3rd*

      Totally outing myself if anyone is a geek in my home town, but:

      Grey Prius: Bregolad (Tolkien, Quickbeam the Ent’s elvish name. Gandalf was taken)
      Black Jetta: Angmar (Tokien, witch king of Angmar is the lord of the Nazgul)
      Red Honda Civic: Balrog (It’s red, and surely it scares *someone*?)

      My husband decided Ghost In The Shell suited him better with his blue Prius, so it’s Tachikoma.

    19. Sleepless*

      I’m not into naming cars, no matter how much my husband tries to get me to.

      My son is very much into naming cars. His first ancient rust-bucket truck was Old Scratch, but he didn’t have it for very long, so he named his next truck Old Scratch. He loved that truck. He got a license plate for the front (we don’t have front license plates in my state) with a pirate skull that said Old Scratch. And yes, he knows about the “Crossroads” legend of the deal with the devil. Sadly, Old Scratch met his end a couple of years ago. My son has a Subaru Forester that he likes well enough whose name is Susie, but I predict that his next vehicle will be a slightly scruffy pickup truck he will name Old Scratch.

    20. GoryDetails*

      Fond as I’ve been of many of my cars, the only one I recall actually naming was the first one that I bought new (it came after two used cars, a battered-but-beloved Chevy Impala and a beautiful-but-not-very-sound Chevy Malibu). My first new car was a 1976 Chevy Chevette, a little hatchback that kicked off my lifelong devotion to hatchbacks in general (though not to Chevrolets – I’ve been driving Outbacks for the last 20 years). It was bright orange, a very whimsical choice for me (didn’t love the color but it was very easy to find in parking lots), and I called it “Chiclet” because it resembled the candy coating on Chiclets gum. I got a lot of miles out of that little car; drove it from Wyoming to Louisiana, windows open most of the way, blasting my favorite mix tapes on cassette and, after a certain point, propping up my accelerator foot with a bag of ice because the drive-train was so hot it was beginning to hurt. Then from Louisiana to New England, with my father along for the ride (he’d flown to Louisiana to meet me at his mother’s place). Good memories! Chiclet eventually demonstrated the downside of buying cheap, as both the mechanical parts and the body began to fall apart, but I still remember it fondly.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      I do. My first car was named Little Ed (Plymouth Caravelle–if he were a truck, he would have been Big Ed). Then there was Mabel the Mercury, who didn’t last long before her transmission went out. Then Francesco (Buick), and now Oliver (Chevy Cobalt). I haven’t had a lot of cars because I didn’t get my license until I was 32. I knew how to drive, I just didn’t have a vehicle so I didn’t bother.

      My mum names her cars and her current one is Greta. I had trouble thinking of a name for a very minor character in Book 2 so I picked Greta Oliver. :)

    22. RC Rascal*

      We had an early 1980s Pontiac Bonneville that was gray with a burgundy interior. Called it the Gray Potato.

    23. Queer Earthling*

      My spouse has a tradition of naming cars after Transformers. Previous cars were Argent and Offroad. The current one, a green Kia Soul, is named Jazz.

    24. anonymouslee*

      Carlisle was one.

      The other was named after that reporter who fell crushing grapes and became a huge meme, because the car made the same noise at one point.

    25. LuJessMin*

      My first car (1976) was a 1970 Rambler Ambassador that I named Shirley after Shirley Temple Black, the only female ambassador I knew. My next car (1977) was a 1971 Chevy Impala whose name was Laverne.

    26. Joanne’s Daughter*

      My husband named my Saturn Sky Precious and my day-to-day car is Randy (according to the old GEICO commercial it is one of the most trustworthy names).

    28. juneybug*

      Franken-truck – named for a 2000 Dodge Ram 250 truck that was built from three different trucks (but same year, color, and model so you couldn’t tell).
      Razzy – car named for the blue raspberry color that the manufacturer called my 2012 Honda Fit.
      Billy Goat – white rough looking 1996 GeoTracker that could go anywhere in the mountains and not get stuck.
      White Knight – white2010 Dodge Ram 250 truck that saves the day with being so efficient and strong.
      We also name our campers, RVs, and farm equipment.

    29. WoodswomanWrites*

      I hadn’t planned on naming my car, but a friend came up with a name that stuck. I had a silver Subaru and was a park ranger at the time. My car became Silver, after the steed of the Lone Ranger. I always saw Silver as gender neutral. Since then, I haven’t been motivated to name my subsequent car.

    30. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

      We got a GMC Terrain in a really posh champagne color, with colorblock leather seats and a lot of other very nice features. It’s the fanciest car vehicle we’ve ever had, so I named her Alexis after the character on Schitt’s Creek.

    31. Pippa K*

      We’ve named them all. Even our tractor (an orange Kubota called Jaffa) and our utility trailer (Trailer Swift). We’re not nearly as creative as some people in this thread!

      1. NiceOrc*

        My blue Toyota Estima (people mover) is called the Cardis, because people kept commenting on how big it was inside!

    33. PollyQ*

      My sister also just got a new Honda Clarity, and the family has named her “Clarissa.” They’ve also kept the older Honda Accord, whose name is “Yolanda.”

    35. GinnyDC*

      My previous car (black Kia Optima) was Buster. My current car (white Honda civic) is Holly. No rhyme or reason for the names … the names just felt right.

    36. MC*

      My family nicknames our cars sometimes. My white Chevy Trax is “El Huevo”, or “The Egg”. Otherwise, we just call it by the make or model (e.g. The Durango or The Jeep).

    37. Jay*

      When my daughter took over my Ford Fusion hybrid, she named it Frances. After a year she decided it was male and changed his name to Francis.

      1. Sleepless*

        My daughter’s green Jeep Liberty is named Franklin. She says it’s a gender neutral name but that Franklin uses he/him pronouns. Not sure I follow, but in any case he/him has fabulous style. His previous owner, who was apparently also a teenage girl, stuck a few rhinestones on the dashboard. My daughter loves the tiny bit of bling.

    38. PhyllisB*

      Haven’t named a car in years; but when I got my first car in 1969 (a red ’62 Volkswagen with green and blue flowers on her) I named her Ladybug. When I was a young teen my sister had a ’57 Chevrolet she named The Bomb.

    39. Summersun*

      I only drive blue cars. It started as a coincidence–I was buying during the GM strike, and then again during a seller’s used market, and that just ended up being what was available, several times in a row. Once I realized the pattern, I just went with it. So the names are always based on the shade of blue.

      My sky blue R56 Cooper S was Skye, and my cerulean blue FiST is Leah.

    40. Purple Penguin*

      I’ve a Chevy HHR named Squami because the car’s color looks like the chrysomallon squamiferum.

    41. Chaordic One*

      My first car was my parents’ tired old Chevrolet station wagon named “Betsy.” This was followed by a bright yellow compact car that had black stripes whom I named “Honey-Bee” or “Honey” for short. After a while, though, I changed its name to “Lemonella.” Then I had a couple of Honda Civics, first “Cedric,” and now, “Cecil.”

    42. Y'all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?*

      I bought a dark blue Honda Civic in 2017. His name is Bruce (like from Finding Nemo) because his antenna looks like a shark fin. It’s a great car, but I miss my Toyota RAV4 that I drove for over a decade :)

    43. Jamboree*

      No but I’d love to hear about your Clarity. I have a civic hybrid that I love love love. But they’re not making the hybrid anymore – they brought out the clarity instead. I still haven’t seen one in the wild. It’s the same footprint as the accord, right? What are your favorite features? What do you hate? What kind of mileage do you get?

      1. The Automotive Expert*

        I don’t have any info about the Honda Clarity, although it is closer in size to the mid-sized Honda Accord or the mid-sized Toyota Camry. (The Toyota Camry is available in an excellent Hybrid version.) While Honda has discontinued their compact Civic Hybrid, the newest Honda Insight is based on the Civic and features a hybrid powertrain. In years past the Insight was smaller and based on the smaller Honda Fit (or Honda “Jazz” as it was called in some other countries). The new Honda Insight It is quite a bit less expensive than a Clarity and comparable to a Toyota Prius or a Toyota Corolla Hybrid.

    44. Gatomon*

      My silver car’s name is Asuna. There’s nothing special or grand about her, in fact she’s such a bare bones model that she doesn’t even have cruise control or keyless entry* but she’s 10 years old and has only ~32,000 miles, so I keep her rolling. I’m pretty terrible about car care, to be honest, but she just takes it in stride. I think I still have 2019 dirt on her.

      *I added an aftermarket remote start, because screw that noise in this day and age. But she was the newer car I could afford at the time. The plan is to replace her when my student loans are paid off in a few years. I could do it now, but… there’s just no reason to do it. Especially not given the circumstances.

    45. Piano Girl*

      We had a Safari van that was dubbed Safari Joe after the Thundercats cartoon. Our old white truck was named Frank. My parents had an Omni we called Adam. When we got married, my husband had a fancy pickup named Amy. I drove a black Mercedes SUV which I called Baby Car. Apparently my son calls his Hyundai Morning Dawn, I did not know that until just now.

    47. beancat*

      My first car (a borderline lemon from my college days) was named Errol, and my current car is named the Strahl :)

    48. Anon. Scientist*

      My mom named her cars based on country of origin. Yvette was a Renault encore, Lucy was a red Chevy cavalier that I inherited, and I continued with my Mazda 3 (Aiko) and later my VW GTI (Elsa). My mom went on to have a succession of less interesting cars and those names have died out a bit.

    49. RBG - Yeah You Know Me*

      Yes. And they’re all black except JB as it was gold

      1997 Gold Toyota Corrola – JB for James Bond
      2007 black Mazda6 – ‘M’ for ‘M’ in James Bond
      2016 black Honda Accord – Skyfall for James Bond movie

      Next car will be Moneypenny (2026)
      Next car after that will be Vesper Lynd (2036)
      Next care after that will be ‘Q’ – last car because I’ll be 72

    51. Dancing Otter*

      My first car was named Elizabeth (Lizzie) Tudor. She was a 2-door hatchback with a rather anemic horn. Also, my mother was old enough to refer to “tin Lizzies”.

    53. OyHiOh*

      I bought a new Ford a few weeks ago. Drove it 1,000+ miles in two days and decided to call them Freddy. Depending on mood, day, work load, weather, etc, that may be short for either Fredrick or Francesca.

    55. Rocky*

      My first car was the colour of caramel fudge, so became The Fudgemobile. My flat mate’s car was Beige Leader. Now our family names cars from the number plates: so we have Kneebone from KNB, and LNP brought us Lady Pokes Newborns.

  3. Jessie*

    What is the best thriller/crime novel you read? One that has an amazing plot or a twist that really shocked you?

    1. CatCat*

      I don’t usually read this genre, but I read “Gone Girl” and gasped out loud at the most significant plot twist. I was so stunned, I had to back track a bit.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My book club loved it, except me! I spotted the twist early on. (I do read a lot of the genre, that gave me an advantage there.)

      3. PhyllisB*

        The Woman at the Window and Turn of the Key were two that had me gasping. Speaking of Gone Girl, and Girl on the Train; have you ever read a book and hated the main character(s) but still couldn’t put it down? That was my experience with both of those books.

        1. Fellow Traveler*

          Yes! I despised Gone Girl yet was up til 3am reading it. I just had to see how the whole mess ended even though the characters really bothered me.

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Brat Farrar by Josephine Tey. Don’t look it up or read anything about it. Just read it.

    3. AGD*

      I loved Janelle Brown’s Watch Me Disappear; even the parts I anticipated accurately didn’t give me the half of it. Also enjoyed Paula Hawkins’s The Girl on the Train.

    4. allathian*

      It’s an oldie, but when I first read Christe’s The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, I was totally shocked by the ending. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily the best crime novel I ever read, but it’s one of my favorites. Now that it’s almost a century old (first published in 1926), it reads like a period piece.

      I must have been something like 13 or 14 when I read it and I had just graduated from YA books to more adult stuff. My parents never censored what I read, and they gave me the first three books from Jean M. Auel’s Earth’s Children series, which is definitely not YA, for my 15th birthday.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh, Christie is fantastic. The first time I read her Murder on the Orient Express was just divine. I loved The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, too.

      2. Sleepless*

        The Mirror Crack’d was my favorite Agatha Christie book. As with all of her books, the facts are all sitting there in front of you, but she still manages to surprise you.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Me too, and as a plus I went and looked up the Lady of Shalott because of it so I got a favorite piece of poetry from that book too.

      3. Jules the 3rd*

        I was going to say her _And Then There Were None_, but _Roger Ackroyd_ is also fantastic. _Orient Express_, I guessed early.

      5. Stormfeather*

        Yes! This is the book I was scrolling down to check the comments before I posted. ;) Christie is amazing, and this book definitely stands out. As the others mentioned, “And Then There Were None and Murder on the Orient Express” were pretty good for this as well. But as far as good mysteries, I’d say pretty much any of hers are a good choice for the most part (there were a few that I was… “eh” on). I have seen criticisms that when she tried to move from just mystery to adventure/thriller territory, that’s when she wasn’t as great, and I’d agree to a point.

        1. allathian*

          And Then There Were None is a cool book, and to me it definitely reads more like a thriller than a mystery. I have it as a first paperback edition with the old, extremely un-PC name.

      6. Marthooh*

        Great twists in Christie novels: The Murder of Roger Acroyd, Endless Night, And Then There Were None.

        If you like twisty Christies, by the way, you will probably enjoy Robert Barnard’s work, too. There’s always a sharp little bend in the plot, usually right on the last page. It’s not always part of the mystery, but it’s always there!

      7. Chaordic One*

        I’m a big Christie fan, too. That said, I do think that her best books were written in the period of the 1930s through the 1950s. After that, she didn’t seem quite as on top of her game, although the later books aren’t terrible, just not quite as good. Close, but not quite. I understand that her fans at that time clamored for a new book every year or so and and I’ve read that she felt something of an obligation to come out with a new book for them. She certainly didn’t need the money after a certain point in her career. “A Christie for Christmas,” she reportedly said, and her fans were delighted.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, some years she wrote more than one book, especially during her golden age in the 30s and 40s.
          British publication dates:
          1934: Murder on the Orient Express, Why Didn’t They Ask Evans and Unfinished Portrait (as Mary Westmacott)
          1935: Three Act Tragedy and Death in the Clouds
          1936: The A.B.C. Murders, Murder in Mesopotamia, Cards on the Table
          1937: Dumb Witness, Death on the Nile
          1938: Appointment with Death, Hercule Poirot’s Christmas… Etc.

          From 1934 to 1942 she published at least two full-length novels every year. As late as in 1952, when she was arguably past her prime, she still published three novels: Mrs McGinty’s Dead, They Do It with Mirrors and A Daughter’s A Daughter (Westmacott).

          So I can’t really blame her for rewriting some of her short stories into novel form occasionally.

          Admittedly I haven’t read any of the Westmacott novels or Endless Night, but I do recommend Death Comes as the End (1945), it’s a mystery novel set in ancient Egypt.

          An item on my bucket list is to see The Mousetrap in the West End someday. It’s the longest-running play in the history of theater, after opening in 1952 it ran continuously until March 16, 2020, but tickets are being sold again with COVID seating limits.

      8. with a comma after dearest*

        Check out “Endless Night” by Agatha Christie. Very different than her usual style but….trust me, fits the topic of this thread! I’m a huge, huge Agatha Christie fan. Read all her books a million times (well except for the bad ones, those only a few) and they are like comfort food to me by now.

      9. Square Root of Minus One*

        For Christie, I have a soft spot for “Lord Edgware dies”. I was kicking myself for not guessing.

    5. AP.*

      I’ve been on a mystery/thriller kick recently, especially older books from the 40s and 50s. My absolute favorite is probably A Kiss Before Dying by Ira Levin.

      Others that I really enjoyed, all with unexpected twists:
      Most of Tana French’s Dublin Murder Squad books, especially the first two: In the Woods and The Likeness
      The Lady in the Lake, Raymond Chandler (pretty much all of Chandler’s works are worth reading)
      The Postman Always Rings Twice, James M. Cain
      The 9-volume Bernard Sampson series (plus the prequel titled Winter) by Len Deighton

        1. GoryDetails*

          “Does Tana French ever solve the children’s mystery from Into the Woods in another book?”

          Not so far (though I developed my own theory while reading the book, which I adored). I’d rather like to see her provide some where-are-they-now bits about the various protagonists from those novels – but sometimes it’s better to leave it to our imaginations…

        2. AP.*

          I think she’s said she’d like to come back to Rob and the mystery of the kids someday, but she hasn’t done so yet. (Unless it’s in her latest book which comes out next month.)

    7. GoryDetails*

      Perhaps my favorite is du Maurier’s REBECCA – was taken completely by surprise, and loved every word. [Sadly, the more books-with-big-reveals/plot-twists one reads, the less likely it is to be so completely startled; but I still enjoy ’em. Though – ain’t it the way? – I’m blanking on titles and authors just now!]

      I’m also a fan of Tana French’s work, which does sometimes include memorable twists, though it’s the character relationships that I like best.

      1. Jessie*

        I agree. The more thrillers you read, the more immune to plot twists and “shocks,” you become. Most of the time I’m able to guess them early :)

    9. Ahre*

      I’m obsessed with this book called The Things we Lost in the Fire. It’s by an Argentine author named Mariana Enríquez (originally in Spanish) and it is absolutely riveting. Each chapter tells a different story – haunted houses, bad trips on acid, creepy serial killer tours, etc.

      Nothing to do with the movie :)

    11. Helvetica*

      Aside from the classic goodies of Agatha Christie, I recently really enjoyed “The 7½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle” by Stuart Turton. It’s fun, it’s exciting, keeps you guessing and the twist is quite substantial in the end.

      1. Helvetica*

        I can’t believe I forgot but Boris Akunin’s series about Erast Fandorin in particular is amazing, as is Alexandra Marinina’s writing, a bit more pulpy but enjoyable, especially the Kamenskaya series.

    12. Ariadne Oliver*

      All of Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe novels. Love him and his sidekick Archie Goodwin. I also love Georges Simenon’s Inspector Maigaret and I’m obviously a big fan of Agatha Christie. Especially her little Belgian detective Hercule Poirot. As far as more contemporary writers, I adore Louise Penny and I am a big fan fan of Scandinavian authors like Henning Mankell, Jo Nesbo and many others.

      1. Jay*

        I loved the Nero Wolfe books when I was a teenager and now can’t read them because of the casual misogyny. Same for the Travis McGee series, which I also adored. A year or so ago I downloaded one to listen to on a road trip. Couldn’t finish it.

    13. Atheist Nun*

      A new thriller/mystery that is really excellent is The Keeper by Jessica Moor. I cannot say that I “enjoyed” it because the troubling subject–intimate partner violence–is alternately heartbreaking, maddening, horrifying, and frustrating, but I thought the plot was structured really well. The plot twist shocked me.

      I also loved the plot structure and twist in Gillian Flynn’s Dark Places.

      One of the best mystery novels that I have ever read is Trap for Cinderella by Sebastien Japrisot (I read the English language translation). Rather than a plot twist, the author offers alternate, equally plausible explanations for the mystery that will leave you thinking long after you finish the book.

    14. slmrlln*

      I really like China Mieville, The City & The City. It has some alternate reality stuff going on, but in the end it is a murder mystery, and a strange one!

      1. tjan*

        I didn’t even think of this book given the question, but it does fit, and I absolutely LOVED it. Mieville is such a beautiful writer and such fascinating concepts as well.

    17. MsChanandlerBong*

      I absolutely love the first book in Meg Gardiner’s UNSUB series. I thought the plot was clever, the prose was excellent, and it was just the right length. There’s another one I like by Gregory Funaro (“The Sculptor”) that I also thought was good. The gist is that someone is killing people and posing them like famous works of art. I could go on about mysteries and thrillers all day, but I will stop there.

    18. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Oh, so this is somewhat outside your genre specifications because it’s also a memoir (as well as a thriller, as well as other things), but In The Dream House made me gasp out loud in public and laugh with shock, and people were staring :)

      1. Jessie*

        I read it. But it really confused me. She kept building up for a climax, but then nothing big happened. However, the writing was exceptional.

  4. Saturday anon*

    Recently in the open threads some commenters mentioned relatives having stuffed animals that “purred.”

    Does anyone know a good brand name for this kind of toy?

    I know someone who really misses their cat but can’t adopt one right now and I thought they’d really like a substitute. I tried searching on amazon and can’t really tell which are good quality and which are just good photos.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Steiff (of teddy bear fame) have some very cute kittens, although these don’t purr. Some of their animal toys are very realistic.

    3. Lemon Curdle*

      I hope you’re going to check with them first?

      This wouldn’t be welcome for everyone. Personally I would be really upset and creeped out if someone bought me something like this.

      Soft toy: fine. Sound effects: maybe not.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I highly recommend a Gund for a squishy comforting stuffy. My husband got me a HUGE one that we all use as a back rest pillow.

    7. Finny*

      I’d personally get a Jellycat plush in that situation, but then again Jellycat is my absolute favourite plushie brand.

  5. Waltzes with Bears*

    I’m trying to clean a white stuffed bear. The internet told me to use baking soda and let it sit for a few days, but it isn’t any cleaner.

    What would be a better way to clean my bear that uses minimal liquid? Would cornstarch pick up the dirt better?

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Julie and Amanda from BBC’s The Repair shop use some liquid soap/detergent and water, make a foam from it and use that to clean old or fragile soft toys. Unfortunately, the programme never shows the whole process!

      1. PX*

        They might now show the whole process, but the episodes I’ve seen (I binged a lot of The Repair Shop last year) definitely talk about what the process is. Like Chocolate Teapot said, if the toy is very delicate – use only the foam of the soap/water lather, very gently rub it in, then pat out out any excess water – and repeat. The key here is patience, it clearly takes a very long time to get it properly clean and it will probably take multiple goes. I figure thats where they just cut to the finished product!

        1. MysteryFan*

          That’s how my mother taught me to clean upholstery in the olden days, before cans that squirted out carpet/fabric cleaners were invented. Whip up laundry detergent into a foam, and use the foam only to clean the object.

    2. Lena Clare*

      When I’ve cleaned my cats’ stuffed toys, I’ve used water and dish soap, then rinsed and dried on a flat surface. Good as new afterwards :)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure what you are trying to clean off. If it’s just general dust- you could vacuum it.

      If it is actually staining, here’s what I did, I mixed soap and hydrogen peroxide in a pan. I took an old towel and wet it with the mix. Wring out the towel really good so the water is not dripping all over. Then I wiped the animal. I was surprised by how much I got off of it. You can set it out in the sun to dry. If need be, you can brush it out once it is dry.

    5. Book Lover*

      If it is precious to you, and dirty (not just a bit dusty) then you could try a toy hospital

      https://realmsofgold.com/cloth-doll-and-stuffed-animal-hospital/

      They take the toy apart at the seams, wash, then put back together.

      If not really worth the money/effort, I have done a surface wash and even put toys in the washing machine in a delicates bag – but I live in Arizona so they do dry after. The problem with doing this in a lot of areas is that you can end up with mold or mildew in the stuffing I guess?

      1. Violet Rose*

        Yeah, I’ve had good luck washing stuffies in a pillowcase on gentle cycle with mild dish soap instead of detergent. They air-dried fine in California; in colder climates I’d recommend an airing cupboard, hairdryer, or even tumble-dryer if you’re feeling brave. This works best if the toy is made of modern, durable, and short-pile materials; I’d be very hesitant with, say, a vintage handmade teddy bear.

    6. RC Rascal*

      I would try the suds from Ivory Liquid soap. Several readers have suggested liquid soap suds but I’ve always been told it’s best if the soap used is Ivory.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The one key thing I learned washing my daughter’s stuffies is use cold water and never put them in the drier. The heat will age & flatten the fur like three extra tears of love. Laundry lines in the sun will also help whiten. Put near a radiator or hot air vent in the winter.
        And if it stays gray, we still love them.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If it’s a historic stuffie, pay attention to the filling. Sometimes they have wirework. And the filling can be anything from crushed walnut shells to scrap fabric or unspun fiber, none of which is the same after getting soaked.

    7. MsOctopus*

      I’ve heard baby wipes recommended as an effective way to clean plush/upholstery without adding too much water!

    8. Kuododi*

      I’ve never tried this on a stuffed animal however I have always had success with Dawn dish soap. (Grease and stain cutter. If I have a more difficult stain I will make a paste of detergent and baking soda apply directly to the stain then launder as instructed. ) Don’t machine dry until you’re certain the stains are gone. Otherwise the stains will be baked into the fabric. Good luck

    9. Germank106*

      You could try Hydrogen Peroxide in a spray bottle. I used to work with high end sportswear garments and that’s what we used when the garments had stains . I works on all fabrics, doesn’t affect the color and usually gets the stains out. Just spray it on, and let it dry. No need to rinse. If there are heavy stains you might have to spray, let sit and then blot up the stain. Don’t rub – that just spreads the stain.

    10. Aza*

      You can also try just setting it in the sun. This works wonders for stained clothes, not sure about bears, but it’s a low impact thing to try!

      1. Might be Spam*

        I love that song. It gets played at the end of some zoom get-togethers and we all dance with our bears. The first time I brought out my bear, half the group disappeared and came back with their bears (and one Godzilla.)

  6. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    It looks like I’ll be fairly busy soon, so I think it’s going to be mostly loose scenes for me in the near future and figuring out where they go later.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Also, as per usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing. I don’t know why I keep forgetting to put that on the main message.

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I haven’t done any writing in weeks because my job is making me so tired and sad. I really hope that finding a new job will help. I miss it.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m stalled out at the moment, but I’m starting to get feedback and editing notes on a previous project. So I’m trying to see this as “some movement, any movement, is better than nothing…”

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m about to send Book 2 to an editor. That means no touchy until I get it back (groan). It’s only second draft, but I don’t want to wait until I’ve polished it down to where I don’t want to change anything. Better to do it now while it’s still rough. This will give me time to work on my conlang, and I actually want to write Book 3 during NaNoWriMo this year, because I changed my Book 2 ending and now I’m kind of excited about it.

      I also have something I started and shelved in favor of Book 2, but we’ll see. I’m still job hunting and not in my own space and that takes up a lot of mental bandwidth.

    5. Stormfeather*

      This week I’ve actually not been playing much (so far) of the stuff I was playing last week (so much for intending to finish some games before moving onto others XD ). Of course, I guess I haven’t had TOO much chance to play yet because i was busy during the week mostly and haven’t started for the weekend yet. BUT I did get into a fairly long batch of games of Among Us with some friends last night. At first I thought it was kinda fun but not worth the hype, but as we went on (we played for probably between 2 and 3 hours) it just got to be a blast. Very dependent upon who you’re playing with though, I’d imagine, and probably also a lot easier at least with voice chat (muting it obviously during the task portions).

      Upcoming plans: I want to try to get started on the latest patch for Final Fantasy XIV this weekend or at least Really Soon Now which I should have done already (I just tend to get burned out now and then, need a good break, then eventually come back). I’ve heard it’s amazing though. And the I’ve got some other friends that I’m going to try out a game called Genshin Impact with which seems sorta like an anime-style JRPG crossed with Breath of the Wild and sounds interesting. Has Gacha elements, but we’ll see how bad those are. It comes out Monday.

      I also at some point soon will probably restart Pathfinder: Kingmaker, because I heard when it came out on console it added a turn-based combat system option that kinda transforms the game. I’ve been wanting to get back into it at some point after it was patched more anyhow, so this seems like a good time! Y’know, with my copious free time that’s not spent working, reading, or playing the other games I’m playing. ^^;;

      1. Stormfeather*

        Aaaaand this was meant to go in the gaming thread. I’m not really sure what the etiquette is here, since the threads are wildly different. I guess I’ll repost there, and if anyone is able to delete these two comments in the writing thread portion, I’d appreciate it. ^^;;

    6. Can't Write a Lick*

      I’m taking an online course to learn about writing short stories. I have found out that I have absolutely no imagination when it comes to creating a short story out of the thin air. However, I am capable of writing stories that are based on incidents that happened either to me or to someone I know. I had to write a short story about two people who had ended their relationship and then unexpectedly ran into each other. So I based my story on the time that I was waiting for a bus, and when it arrived, the bus driver had to ask a passenger to get out of the bus in order to help me. In my story, I wrote that the guy who got out of the bus was the ex of the woman waiting for the bus.

      For some reason, a high school incident has been stuck in my head. It was the time that a girl was nominated for prom queen, but no one asked her to the prom, and the class advisors had to bully a guy to ask her. He had been nominated for prom king, but he had made it loud and clear that he thought that proms were stupid, and prom kings were stupid, and he didn’t even want to go to the prom. She told me that our class advisors had paid the guy to ask her to the prom.

      I decided that the incident would make a good story. I included dialogue between the guy and the class advisors in which he said that he had better things to spend his money on than prom tickets and a tuxedo and a corsage, and the class advisors said that they would pay for them. (I never would have thought of this if she hadn’t confided to me that the guy had been paid. Everyone in the class knew that he had been pressured to ask her, but I didn’t have the slightest idea that money had changed hands until she told me so.) I also included dialogue between her and her mother that took place four months before the prom. It was based on dialogue between my mother and me that took place four months before the prom, when I was worried about not having a date for the prom.

      I’ve gotten up to the part where he picked her up to take her to the prom. I still have to write about how badly he treated her there (she told me that he refused to talk to her or dance with her), how she hoped that she would be the prom queen and that he wouldn’t be the prom king, and so on.

      Just for fun, I posted what I had written into several websites that check for plagiarism, and I was surprised to find out that each website claimed that my story was plagiarized. It would cost me money to get the details. I am not going to spend that money.

      What I want to know is: (1) Is it a common theme for girls who are nominated for prom queen to not be asked to the prom? (2) How reliable are those websites? Do they tell everyone who posts something that their stories are plagiarized? (3) Is the writing instructor likely to post our stories into those websites to see if they were plagiarized? I would be so humiliated if I were accused of plagiarism.

      Thank you for your attention.

      1. ThePear8*

        I’m not a teacher and different instructors have different practices…but from my perspective as a student unless there’s something in your story that seems weird or very similar to something else, you’re probably fine.
        I do remember in middle school, my English teacher had one lecture where he told us a story about plagiarism to discourage us from doing so…he had a short story a student submitted about a woman who was trying to get on an escalator and her short, tight skirt was restricting her from doing so. She repeatedly tried unzipping it more to loosen it until finally the man behind her lifts her up onto the ledge…and when she scolds him for touching her, he responds “I’m sorry, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I thought we were friends”. My teacher, thinking it was odd for a middle schooler to use the term “fly”, googled “unzipped my fly three times” and sure enough, got an almost identical story where the woman was trying to get on a bus instead of an escalator.
        So if you’re really worried about it, one thing you could do is try googling key phrases or concepts from your story to see if you get anything disturbingly similar. Otherwise, if there’s nothing really out of place or blatantly suspicious about your story, I think you’re fine. Again though, I’m not a teacher so take my opinion with a grain of salt!

        1. Can't Write a Lick*

          Thank you so much for your response! I googled “prom queen no date for the prom” and didn’t come up with anything relating to my story. I then googled “no date for the prom,” and one website showed the following:

          “Some people go with a group of single friends and dance the night away together. Others go solo and enjoy dancing with a few different guys instead of just one. There’s no rule that says you have to be part of a duo to be at prom.”

          I have no idea why someone is claiming that there is no rule saying that you have to be part of a duo to go to the prom, because that’s not the way it was at my high school. Tickets were sold to couples. You couldn’t buy a ticket for just yourself. The only way you could go with a group of single friends would be if you all paired off and bought tickets for twosomes. I guess if you really wanted to go by yourself, you could buy a ticket for a couple and say that you were bringing someone from another school, and then show up by yourself, claiming that your “date” had gotten sick, but I don’t remember anyone doing that. As for dancing with a few different guys instead of just one, I don’t think that would have happened. I don’t think the other girls would have enjoyed watching their guys dancing with a girl who came by herself while they got to sit at the table all by themselves.

          So I guess that enough stories have been written about proms that my story was automatically slammed as being plagiarized. So that means that I have nothing to worry about! Thanks again!

          1. curly sue*

            It’s very context-dependent, I think. My high school absolutely offered singles tickets for formal, but it was $5 cheaper to go as a couple (imagine $20 for a single ticket or $30 for two; I can’t remember the exact price but it was that sort of thing). So naturally everyone paired off regardless of date status – I had a date, but many people just split the cost with a friend and went stag.

            Dancing also tended to be fast music and in gangs / circles, so who you came with really only impacted seating arrangements at the tables.

            With regards to the plagiarism issue, it may not be the prom factor, but the ‘paid to date her’ factor. There are a large number of teen comedies and new adult romcoms based on the “I was paid to go out with him/her and fell for them for real, now they found out and are mad at me” trope.

            1. Can't Write a Lick*

              Thank you! I did find the synopsis for a movie about a guy being paid to date a girl, but the plot of the movie was nothing like what happened IRL. At my high school, the boy was bribed to take her to the prom because she was nominated for prom queen, and it would have been a huge scandal if she hadn’t been able to go. He did not fall for her. She eventually told me that he refused to talk to her or dance with her at the prom. And the only reason the class advisors cared was that she was nominated for prom queen. Did they try to get dates for the girls in our class that hadn’t been asked out by anyone? Of course not! The class advisors couldn’t have cared less about them.

              Since I’m afraid that I’ve derailed the writing thread, I started a thread way below about prom memories. Take a look for it if you like!

          2. RagingADHD*

            They are saying there is no universal rule of etiquette that one must go to prom as a couple, and friend groups are common in many places.

            The sentence is not intended to convey that no school anywhere, ever in history, might have had such a rule.

      2. Professor Ronny*

        The detector we use at my university (Turnitin) shows the phrases that are a direct copy of something else and lets me click on it to see what was copied. That is required since students quote academic material (e.g. citations) all the time.

        It is also possible that once you uploaded it to the first one, it made it into other databases and you were being flagged for copying yourself. I’ve see that happen when students submit a revised version of their own paper.

    7. ThePear8*

      I think I want to get into food writing! I’ve been wanting to start writing on Medium for a while and have had some drafts for articles of various topics sitting around…writing enough to actually feel ready to hit that “publish” button seems so far away though haha…
      But anyway I’m really passionate about food, particularly food tourism and adventurous eating, so I might start writing more in that direction. I recently subscribed to one of those snack boxes that send you snacks from a different country every month, and I’m feeling really inspired to write reviews of its contents. I started a draft, so who knows, maybe I’ll finally be able to finish an article.

    8. Alexandra Lynch*

      Still doing a lot of background reading.

      I’ve pretty much decided that next year’s Major Project will be writing the novel and getting at least one book of it into a form where I can let people look at it. (I know the stuff I have is at least three books and I keep getting hints of side stories related to things in the main timeline.) This year’s project is losing weight (47 pounds so far and three sizes) and while that will probably take longer than a year to finish, after the year I’ll be able to sort of let that run in the background while writing because I’ll be used to the change in diet.
      So I’m doing a lot of reading about women and food practices and religion and beliefs about visions and what was considered demonic and what marks of grace, as well as researching various diseases and what they actually clinically look like/sound like/smell like, and what it’s like to live with and depend on various farm animals.
      It’s interesting. And often gross.
      I’m already aware that my book won’t be to a lot of people’s tastes because when you go back into history and talk about how people did things then, well, classism was baked in, as was misogyny, and medicine was primitive at best and a lot of people died of things that modernly we handle with outpatient care. But it is what it is and it wants me to write it, and I’ll give it my best shot.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to video games.
    I was soooo close to beating the stage 2 boss that will bring me to stage 3′ in Castlevania: Dracula X Chronicles…any day now…

    1. Quoth the Raven*

      I’ve never played Chronicles, but I’ve played Castlevania: Dracula X (just did a few days ago, actually) and I’ve played Rondo of Blood, and in general the bosses do NOT go easy at all! I hope you get to the next stage soon.

      I had been playing Bloodstained, but I took a break from it (I like it well enough, but haven’t been in the right state of mind to continue) and decided to beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D and start Majora’s Mask 3D. I had honestly forgotten how much I love OoT, and revisiting it was very emotional. With Majora’s Mask, I’d played it once about 18 years ago and didn’t care for it, but figured I’d give it another shot now that I’m older. I’m glad I did! I’m really enjoying it this time around, though I’ve had to look up walkthroughs every now and then to figure out where to go next.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Honestly swapping from Richter to Maria makes things a little easier in terms of movement (she almost plays like a metroidvania character) but she is the definition of a glass cannon. I’m currently trying to learn how to pull off Guardian First reliably.

        Also I totally feel you on going back to something you loved and getting emotional. I had the same thing when I fired up the Ace Attorney Trilogy for the first time.
        Speaking of which, I should probably get Edgeworth out of his current conundrum.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      On the advice of someone from this forum, I stopped working on my Guild Wars 2 Griffon and moved on to the skyscale. It’s really cool, I don’t get as queasy with it as other mounts, but it’s really hard on my carpel tunnel.

      1. Nessun*

        I’m sorry to hear that! I do love the skyscale for overall abilities and air coverage (especially in Drizzlewood), but I’ve not noticed a difference in manually driving it compared to other mounts. I hope you get relief for your carpal tunnel!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’ve been fighting off this problem for well over 20 years. I have found that sticking with keyboard shortcuts I do better than anything that requires a mouse. Probably all the piano lessons I lived through as a kid left me with better keyboard posture. So… Guild Wars is a weekend treat.

    3. Generic Name*

      So, I’m not really into gaming at all, but I just made myself a character in my husband’s game “Elder Scrolls”. I know it probably won’t transfer over, but I think I’ll see if I can download it (or something similar) on my iPad. Does anyone have recommendations for games on iPads that are more story-based and don’t have too much blood and gore? No first person shooters. I really enjoyed playing Monkey Island on PC back in the day, so I’d like to replicate that experience. Ideally it would be a relaxing game that kind of guides you through the story like a “choose your own adventure” and less of a mind-bending maze/puzzle game. My job requires a lot of problem solving and planning and analysis, and I like giving my brain a break during my off time.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Have you considered Visual Novels? They’re a very choose your own adventure style if you go by the strictest definition. In the West the term is usually expanded to include Japanese Adventure games like Danganronpa (this one is quite bloody so you might want to skip) or Ace Attorney (does involve murder but has a very good balance of murder-y stuff and being rather ludicrous – don’t be surprised when you’re cross-examining a parrot). Feel free to ask more questions if you’re interested. Personally I loved Steins;Gate, although that one does get quite heavy about halfway through.
        Another good game that should be available on app stores is Detective Grimoire: The Secret of the Swamp. It’s also a puzzle game, but none of the puzzles ever really stump you. Again, this one involves murder (notice a theme here? ^^’) but it’s all very cartoony.
        You could also look into Hidden Object Games. I’ve mentioned June’s Journey here before – mystery game set in the 20’s that also involves some decorating (you get an island to decorate). It’s mostly hidden object scenes with the occasional little puzzle, though they can usually be solved easily.

        1. Generic Name*

          Oooh, I’ve never heard of visual novels. I’ll have to check it out! I appreciate the other suggestions. I’ll have to do some searching in the App Store.

      2. lady gamer or something*

        If you think you might like strategy games, you could try King of Dragon Pass (or its sequel, Six Ages, though I haven’t tried that yet). Basically, you command a clan ring and you make decisions on behalf of your clan to survive and thrive in the dangerous Dragon Pass. You can decide when to raid other clans, what gods to make sacrifices to, how to resolve disputes between clans and between your people, what things you’d like to buy and sell on trading missions, etc. You’ll usually be given an endgame goal after playing for a while, like a prophecy saying you have to marry into enemy royalty or that someone on your clan ring could become the king. It has a lot of replay value; it’s not the kind of game you “beat” and then are done with.

    4. Stormfeather*

      This week I’ve actually not been playing much (so far) of the stuff I was playing last week (so much for intending to finish some games before moving onto others XD ). Of course, I guess I haven’t had TOO much chance to play yet because i was busy during the week mostly and haven’t started for the weekend yet. BUT I did get into a fairly long batch of games of Among Us with some friends last night. At first I thought it was kinda fun but not worth the hype, but as we went on (we played for probably between 2 and 3 hours) it just got to be a blast. Very dependent upon who you’re playing with though, I’d imagine, and probably also a lot easier at least with voice chat (muting it obviously during the task portions).

      Upcoming plans: I want to try to get started on the latest patch for Final Fantasy XIV this weekend or at least Really Soon Now which I should have done already (I just tend to get burned out now and then, need a good break, then eventually come back). I’ve heard it’s amazing though. And the I’ve got some other friends that I’m going to try out a game called Genshin Impact with which seems sorta like an anime-style JRPG crossed with Breath of the Wild and sounds interesting. Has Gacha elements, but we’ll see how bad those are. It comes out Monday.

      I also at some point soon will probably restart Pathfinder: Kingmaker, because I heard when it came out on console it added a turn-based combat system option that kinda transforms the game. I’ve been wanting to get back into it at some point after it was patched more anyhow, so this seems like a good time! Y’know, with my copious free time that’s not spent working, reading, or playing the other games I’m playing. ^^;;

    5. squeebird*

      I’m back to playing Fallout 4… again… I’ve sunk something like 1300 hours into it but somehow I keep coming back. The settlement building is probably what does it. Maybe it says something about the state of the world that I prefer “lovingly constructing shacks in a retro-futurist post-apocalyptic hellscape” to “dealing with reality”.

      1. Holly the spa pro*

        I recently started a new game in fallout 4 also! This time on the ps4 instead of the PC. Enough time has passed that it feels fresh and fun again. I havent done any settlement building yet because i want to do an institute victory and not burn out on it before then. Im wondering how aggrevating it will be using a controller…

    7. Gatomon*

      I finished The Last of Us Part II last weekend and started Ghost of Tsushima. I’m enjoying it so far. Still pondering the ending to TLOU 2.

      I broke down and invested in separating my home workspace from my personal desktop, since things are just not getting better here. My home office space is totally separate from my gaming and music space as of this evening, and it feels so much better already. (I am extremely fortunate to have two small spare bedrooms.) I fired up Cities:Skylines and let it open my last save… the last save date was March 14. :( I complete forgot about this little city and how hard I had worked on it in the before times. I think I’m going to pick it up again and see how far I can take it!

    8. Jackalope*

      Question for everyone. I’m wanting to play something that has the beautiful scenery of Skyrim but doesn’t involve dungeon crawls or lots of killing things. I’m thinking more of D&D Ranger: The Game, where you get to wander through the wilderness and do quests but not tons of violence (a little bit is okay). Is there anything that exists along those lines that you know of?

      1. Holly the spa pro*

        Maybe something like Spiritfarer which is all exploration and quests. It has some light platforming which is pretty optional. The art style is gorgeous and it is very chill while being engaging.

    9. 653-CXK*

      On my Stella (Atari 2600) emulator, I’m playing MegaMania (Activision) and some game hacks (like Asteroids with vector graphics and Missile Command for trackballs – works great with the mouse!).

    10. lady gamer or something*

      I’ve been enjoying the remake of the Bard’s Tale trilogy. I never played as a kid, but wow, the features that have been added and improved on show some clear love for the game! It’s even got controller support…

    11. Finny*

      Playing Shantae and the Pirate’s Curse on my Switch Lite while hoping I can scrounge up the cash to get all the Shantae stuff Limited Run Games is releasing before the pre-order window closes. The Shantae games are my favourites.

      Also bouncing around between Freedom Planet, where I’m currently stuck, and Goblin Sword, which is fun but I keep dying quick.

      Yes, I love platformers!

    12. beancat*

      I’ve been playing Super Mario 3D Allstars! I wanted it to make me feel like a kid again.

      …mission accomplished. I suck just as badly now as when I was a kid, lol. The controls and camera are fighting me in a way I don’t ever remember from when I was 6, and it’s so frustrating! :( I also tried Sunshine from the same pack, which has better controls that I am also still awful at. I just need to practice more, haha.

  8. Well...*

    My family named cars when I was growing up. We had a big red truck named Clifford, and a small Honda named Belle that was bought for me when I was learning to drive but my mom loved it so much she took it for herself. I got to take the white van to school (overall deemed not worthy of a name). Much later I finally did get Belle when I went to grad school.

  9. Quoth the Raven*

    I’ve never played Chronicles, but I’ve played Castlevania: Dracula X (just did a few days ago, actually) and I’ve played Rondo of Blood, and in general the bosses do NOT go easy at all! I hope you get to the next stage soon.

    I had been playing Bloodstained, but I took a break from it (I like it well enough, but haven’t been in the right state of mind to continue) and decided to beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D and start Majora’s Mask 3D. I had honestly forgotten how much I love OoT, and revisiting it was very emotional. With Majora’s Mask, I’d played it once about 18 years ago and didn’t care for it, but figured I’d give it another shot now that I’m older. I’m glad I did! I’m really enjoying it this time around, though I’ve had to look up walkthroughs every now and then to figure out where to go next.

  10. Amateur Photographer*

    For those of you into photography, what equipment do you use?
    Also, if any of you are content creators on YouTube, what video and lighting set up did you start off with and what financial investment did you make?
    Thanks.

    1. nep*

      Interesting. I’ll be watching this thread.
      I’ve got the most basic Canon, but I am really glad that years back I bought a 50mm 1.4 lens. I’ve had a lot of fun w that. This is a welcome reminder that I’ve got to get out and take more pictures; I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

    2. Queer Earthling*

      I have a Fujifilm FinePix HS50EXR that I got second-hand. It’s a hybrid rather than an actual DSLR but it’s perfect for what I need–mostly it gets used for product photos for my adult toy review blog, occasional doll photography, and cat pictures. It definitely isn’t fantastic for video, though.

      For lighting mostly I try to use daylight. If that’s not an option, since most of what I’m photographing is pretty small, I can just use a phone flashlight that my spouse is holding, but we also have our “fancy lighting” set-up consisting of two $6 work lights with clamps from Home Depot.

      Since you’re interested in YouTube, though, I have to say, it isn’t fantastic at video. Luckily this isn’t a feature I need. If my dolls start moving I’m not going to film it, I’m going to run.

      1. Amateur Photographer*

        Thank you, that’s helpful.
        I don’t know if you’ve seen Ghosts on BBC (it’s a comedy)? Anyway there is an extremely funny scene where the ghosts are trying to communicate with a human using a doll’s eyes and Morse Code! But moving dolls – I get you!

        1. Queer Earthling*

          I haven’t, but that’s hilarious! Luckily my Asian ball-jointed dolls don’t have moving eyelids. I’d be Upset. ;)

    3. Jay*

      Tag-teaming this: what photo editing software do you use? I want to start doing some photo editing. I know they’ll have a steep learning curve, which is fine.

      1. Cards fan*

        I use Snapseed on my phone, which is a nice app for free. I use Luminar for my raw files (or jpeg) on my computer. I like it because it is one price instead of a monthly fee like photoshop or Lightroom, and I’m strictly amateur (so I don’t use it daily).

      3. Queer Earthling*

        I just use Paint.Net, which is free. It’s EXTREMELY basic but it’s usually enough for me to do what I need, which is usually cropping, some color correction, sharpening, and editing out dust and hair. You can also download add-ons for more complex tools, I just haven’t. GIMP is also free, and much more complex, but I find it to be extremely laggy and I hate the name.

    4. D3*

      I shoot landscapes, nature, architecture, macro, etc. Just for fun these days.
      Nikon and sometimes Sony. D810 + whatever lenses I am in the mood for. Lots of Lensbaby, which I find fun and a good boost to my creativity.
      The smaller Sony (a6000) + kit lens + Lensbaby Trio is my “I want options but also want to travel light” gear.

    5. Louisiana Girl in Missouri*

      Just saw this-hope it’s not too late to reply. I use Canon, plus a sigma telephoto lens (I shoot wildlife/landscape). I have 3 lenses and 2 camera bodies (not into a ton of gear, but that’s just me). What really helped me a lot of renting equipment from places like Borrowlenses.com. Before making any type of investment, I rent a lens. I also will rent an occasional lens for a one-off shoot (I did one of my step-daughter’s wedding). I use photoshop (I shoot in RAW, though and I know, I know..it can cause some debate etc etc). I google a lot of stuff and watch a lot of youtube. Digital Photography school is free and has great content, Jared Polin is another (and he reviews gear). Everybody’s an expert, so just take what works for you. (I don’t do lighting or generally photograph people )

  11. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Quilters of AAM, I would love your help! I have fallen down the rabbit hole that is thread research and now I’ve overwhelmed myself. I have a few questions:
    1) For piecing: what threads do you like for hand piecing? For machine piecing?
    2) For quilting, same questions: favorites for hand or machine quilting?
    3) Also, is there really a big difference between the polyester thread brands? Like Gütermann vs Superior thread vs others.
    Thank you!

    1. JenC*

      I have always just used Guterman cotton thread for piecing and Guterman hand quilting thread for quilting but I mostly do everything by hand. My quilting teacher said you should never use polyester thread as it doesn’t degrade in the same way that cotton does, so if you want longevity in your quilts, the thread and fabric should match. Apparently, polyester thread will “cut” through the patches over time. That being said, she did like Coats Dual Duty so who knows. I got some Wonderfil thread which I have yet to try. Quilting can be a super expensive hobby so I mostly try to aim for middle of the road supplies. Many people love the thread from Connecting Threads – I haven’t tried it but their fabric is excellent quality for a low price and shipping to Canada, which matters to me! I think they are a sister company of Knit Picks. Quilting is a lovely, lovely rabbithole to fall into and I think you will be very happy down there!

      1. Anax*

        I’ve also heard the same advice on “matching” thread and fabric, and that Guterman is decent quality. I’m told Kona cotton (at Joann’s) is good quality too.

        (A little adjacent, but on the historical costuming side, I’ve been hearing good things about Burnley and Trowbridge’s silk and linen thread; cotton is never going to have enormous tensile strength because the fibers themselves are so short, so if you’re really worried about sturdy seams, that might not be a bad thing to look into. Probably overkill for quilts, though!)

        1. SarahKay*

          Back when I worked in retail I went to a Haberdashery training day which was absolutely fascinating. One session was on threads, and the trainer there was very enthusiastic about Guterman threads. We got shown at least six different types of Guterman; previously I’d really only used their polyester thread. The trainer also recommended matching thread to fabric, particularly for quilting where potentially you’d want the item to last for decades. He also said exactly the same thing – that polyester thread on cotton fabric can eventually damage the fabric, cutting through it.

    2. SpellingBee*

      I don’t piece by hand so I can’t address that, but for machine piecing I use Aurifil 40 weight. My sewing machine (a Juki) likes it and it was recommended to me by my first quilting instructor, so I’ve just kept up with it. I do all my piecing with the same color (I think Aurifil calls it “sand”), and don’t try to match it to the fabric color as I would if I was sewing a garment.

      For machine quilting I like King Tut, which is also a 40 weight thread. It comes in some lovely variegated colors and doesn’t shed a lot of lint. The only hand quilting I’ve done is big stitch quilting, and for that I’ve used both perle cotton and sashiko thread, although I prefer the sashiko. The brand I use is Olympus. For real quilting by hand you might want to try a slightly heavier regular thread, like a 28 weight, which would show your stitches more than a lighter one would.

      Welcome to the quilting world! It’s a lovely hobby. I like that I can pick it up and put it down as the mood strikes me, or even put a project away for a few months if I get tired of it or frustrated with it. It satisfies both my puzzle-loving side and my artistic side. I admit that occasionally I just browse my fabric stash and look at all the pretty colors, especially in winter when things outside are drab, and daydream of the things I could make. Sometimes I pull out a few fabrics and start a new top, and sometimes I just close the doors and walk away.

    3. Lizabeth*

      I highly recommend Superior Threads website! They are my go to when I have questions about thread etc…they have an extensive educational section.

    4. LALinda*

      Quilter of all techniques here! Thread is rated by weight, which is determined by how many yards of thread it takes to measure a set weight (like a gram). A higher weight number correlates to a thinner thread, so 40 weight thread is thicker than 60 weight. Piecing is best with a 40 or 50 weight thread in a matching or neutral color so the piecing thread doesn’t show in the seams when pressed open. Polyester thread is much stronger than cotton thread and is available in many more colors. Thread used for quilting by hand depends on the look you want and how small your stitches are. Thinner thread is better for tiny stitches and thicker thread is better for a decorative look and when you want a contrasting color thread. Machine quilting thread recommendations can run the gamut of thick 25 weight decorative or variegated thread to 100 weight thread that melts into the fabric and shows only texture. My favorite threads are from Superior— So Fine (50 weight poly) for piecing and King Tut (40 wt. cotton), So Fine (50 wt. poly), BottomLine (60 wt. poly) and Microquilter (100 wt. poly) for quilting. Aurifil 50 weight thread probably is the most recommended piecing thread of hobby quilters (as opposed to professional quilters. Yes, there are professional quilters in the 3.6 billion-dollar-a-year quilting industry.) Have a great time!

    5. Boots from CA*

      Usually I lurk, however, had to comment on this topic! – Welcome to the quilting world. The hobby has saved me many times – sometimes it is the only thing in my life that I have absolute control over !
      Thread choice is truly a rabbit hole – There are many things to consider about thread choice, here’s what I’ve concluded for myself (years of machine piecing and (mostly) machine quilting):
      1) Piecing: 40-50 weight thread, cotton (with cotton fabric) in a neutral color , as already recommended. I use either 50 Wt Mettler (3-ply) and Aurifil 50wt (2-ply), both cotton. To me, the Aurifil 50 wt 2-ply is just a little bit thinner and so doesn’t take up room in each seam – so you’ll get slightly more accurate piecing. There is not much difference between the 2-ply Aurifil and the 3 ply Mettler in terms of strength. Also to note is the Aurifil has less “fuzz” to shed into the inner workings of your machine. (less fuzz = less time having to stop and clear our your machine innards.) This becomes important re: sewing machine maintenance. If you have a fancier machine, the manufacturer will likely have a recommendation on thread.
      2) Don’t do much hand quilting, but when I do, I use Gutermann that is specially made for hand piecing – it has a “coating” that will help let the thread glide through your fabric. **Special warning, in case you hadn’t heard – DO NOT use HAND quilting thread in your sewing machine** – the coating for hand quilting will eventually come off inside your machine and your machine will hate you.
      For Machine quilting, Have used King Tut, Madera, and Superior with good results; agree with the other recommendations in this chain. I’m on a quilting thread diet right now, as I received a large selection of Mettler thread ( 50Wt) that I have been using for quilting. (Want to whittle down my collection before I buy more – Have about 100 spools to work my way through…Thread does age, so you don’t want to keep it around forever and ever – it will break more easily, loose color, etc.)
      3) Don’t use many poly threads, others have shared good information about these.
      Other points to consider:
      -If you don’t have hand quilting thread, you can use thread conditioner on standard thread to make it glide more easily. The conditioners can be beeswax or silicone. Highly recommend if you don’t want to run out to get hand quilting thread.
      – The size thread will help determine the size needle you will need – There’s lots of info on THAT topic – and a separate rabbit hole to explore!
      Good Luck!

    6. Llellayena*

      I’m simple in my thread choice, and since you go through so much of it I tend to go for less expensive options. So I use the basic Coats and Clark for everything associated with my home machine. I don’t do hand quilting. I have picked up other threads for top stitching when I’ve wanted a specific effect (read:shiny!), but it’s selected by color and look, not type. I haven’t had problems yet with poly thread on cotton fabric. For the long-arm, I’m using someone else’s machine so I use whatever they tell me to use because those machines can be picky.

  12. Sep2020*

    My mom’s received a debt collection letter listing paypal, inc. as the creditor. I live with her and know that she did not accumulate this debt. My mom speaks very limited english so I will have to contact the collection agency for her.
    What would you do if you were me?
    I plan to write to them asking for the name and address of the original creditor. Once i have the original creditor info I will contact them to see what’s the fund used for and when.
    I dont even know how a paypal account works. Thanks for you advice.

    1. Anonosaurus*

      I’d check out debt recovery law where you live first, and try to find a free legal clinic (something like citizens advice in the UK). There are sometimes standard letters and things you can download but make sure the advice is specific to your jurisdiction first.

      Also, I’d validate the collection agency first. Make sure it isn’t just a scam. I can’t see how your mom could owe PayPal without having an account with them.

    2. AGD*

      It sounds like a total scam calling itself ‘PayPal’ to try to seem legitimate. (Does PayPal even do credit? I’ve had an account for at least a decade and never heard of that option.) If you do contact them to check, I’d say start at their website rather than any information listed in the letter (which is, at a guess, completely bogus).

      1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

        Paypal does do lines of credit but you’d have to apply for one. It’s possible someone stole her Social Security number or other identifying info and opened an account in her name. See if you can access her credit reports and look for other open lines of credit that you don’t know about. If you find evidence that someone has done this, that’s a crime and you should file a police report as well as putting in a security freeze with the credit reporting agencies and contacting the other creditors to explain that this was fraud.

        Links in a following comment.

    3. Quandong*

      In addition to suggestions from other posters I highly recommend getting a credit check for your mother.

      Also, it might be worth finding out how to check if your mother is a victim of identity theft, for peace of mind. I really hope this is not the situation and that this is just a onc-off scam.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        If you are in the US you are entitled to a free credit report once a year. Since there are 3 agencies you can get 3 reports. Some people space out the reports so they have one every 4 months.

        1. ThatGirl*

          A lot of credit card companies offer regular monitoring and CreditKarma is a free service that provides monitoring and estimated scores. It’s helpful to get the full report but I’d also recommend CreditKarma for more regular updates.

        2. Aphrodite*

          Actually, during COVID, all three credit reporting agencies are offering free credit reports every week. Go here for them: https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

          Also, I have frozen all three of my accounts at the agencies (Experian, which also has a lock on it, TransUnion and Equifax). It is easy to do and I highly recommend it. Be sure to do that for future protection.

          If your mom’s information has been stolen you can also put a 0ne-year notice in her accounts. Go to each of the agencies’ websites. They are good about letting your know all your options.

    4. BRR*

      In addition to running her credit report, which Id do first to see if this was a case of identity theft or a scam, Id look up collection laws in your area. There are rules about when they can call and such. I’d also prepare your mom for possible phone calls.

      1. FalafalBella*

        If this letter was not sent via registered or certified mail, strong odds this is a complete scam and they count on people panicking and sending in some money. I would ignore it – if it is legitimate, the company will send another one. I would, as others have said, check your credit report with one of the three Large credit agencies to make certain someone is not using her identity. Also, do not call the number in the letter purporting to be PayPal if you decide to contact them. Look up the contact info for PayPal yourself to make sure you are speaking with PayPal and not some scam artist claiming to be PayPal.

        1. Natalie*

          Debt collection letters are usually sent through regular mail, in my experience. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t validate the debt, but the fact that the letter wasn’t registered is meaningless.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think my first step would be to pull her credit report, and unless this exact debt is listed on there, I wouldn’t even continue worrying about it – I’d chalk it up as a scam.

    6. Kuododi*

      I’d bet a nickel it’s a total scam. I regularly get “collection” emails/ robocalls from PayPal, Netflix, Dept of social security supposed to be working with Justice Department to address fraudulent activity. (Threatened to cancel my SS#) and occasionally the IRS.

      I find it giggle worthy. Then I will bump email to Spam hell and hang up on the phone calls.

      If your mother would feel more comfortable pursuing the matter, I would recommend the first place to start is to contact these people and insist they provide you a full printout of this “debt” she supposedly accrued. That will go along way to clarify the nature and source of the problem. Also get a copy of your mom’s credit report. (Entitled to one free copy per year) That will allow you to check on the off chance she’s been a victim of ID theft. If that’s actually the case make sure the credit agencies flag her reports for suspicion of fraudulent activity.

      My very best wishes to you and your mother. Kuododi

      1. Dan*

        Email = scam, letter in the mail = legit. I read OP’s use of “letter” as something in the mail which concerns me a little more. But emails that read like they were written by someone without a good command of the English language? Total ignore.

    7. Dan*

      The downside to thinking this is a scam and blowing it off is that if the collection attempt is actually legit, then ignoring it will just make things worse. Once a collection notice is sent out, you’ve got thirty days to dispute it *in writing*. If it’s ignored, then the collection item goes on the credit report. If your mom has otherwise good credit, this can really tank her scores, collection items aren’t taken lightly. The worst thing is that even if you pay the debt after it shows up on the report as a collection item, the score doesn’t actually improve, and the collection item will sit there for 7 years. So do not ignore this, you need to follow up on it. There’s language you can find online that you want to use in your dispute.

      The other thing is… sending out fake collection notices isn’t a well known scam. Scammers aren’t known for sending out letters via the US Post Office (too much work, and you have to buy stamps). So if the letter reads like it was written by a native English speaker and contains the phrase “this is an attempt to collect a debt”, it’s probably legit.

      My ex doesn’t like to pay her bills, and I have collection agencies call me looking for her. Sometimes they’re really vague calls. As much as I don’t want to follow up on them, I have to for two reasons. One, if she opens up lines in my name, well… Two is for job reasons, I can’t have a messed up credit report. Sometimes when I call these places, they start asking me for all kinds of identifying information. Once they go down that path, I explain that I’m returning a call *they* made, and they should have that info on file. I’m not giving out all kinds of identifying information to random strangers, and they’re nuts if they think otherwise. The upshot though is if they’re looking for my ex, my male voice is a reasonable indicator isn’t that of someone with a traditionally female name.

    8. Katefish*

      On the off chance they’re not just total scammers: If you’re in the US, the federal FDCPA requires creditors to validate debts, upon written request of a consumer (i.e. prove they have the right person and the right to collect). Send them a letter/email asking them to validate the debt under the FDCPA and say your mother doesn’t have any record if this account. I wouldn’t bother with this step if it’s a one off/seems scammy. You’ll get more than one notice if this is a real debt owed by someone with your mom’s name.

    9. Sep2020*

      Thank you all for you advice. I will pull my mom’ s credit report first, then contact PayPal for a full printout of this debt.

  13. Teekanne aus Schokolade*

    Add to the book suggestion: has anyone read the “Coma Girl” series? Really enjoyable!

    1. GoryDetails*

      Re “Coma Girl” – hadn’t heard of that; sounds very quirky indeed! A tragic premise, young woman winds up in a coma – but she’s able to hear what’s being said around her (which makes it sound more like locked-in syndrome, something that’s among my worst nightmares), and finds out lots of things about loved ones that perhaps she’d rather not know… I think it’s only available on e-book, right? Would probably check it out if there were print copies; while I do sometimes read e-books I prefer the printed page.

      Some suggestions of my own:

      JACKALOPE WIVES AND OTHER STORIES by T. Kingfisher (aka Ursula Vernon): a truly delightful collection of stories, including several set in what seems like the historic American west but has hints of post-apocalyptic background and impressive doses of actual magic. (In one, the railroads have become local gods, using the descendants of the people who died in their construction as avatars.) There’s a recurring character who’s a feisty, aging witch very much akin to Pratchett’s Granny Weatherwax, and other stories that range from humor to horror – really good collection!

      And for those who, like me, rather enjoy distracting ourselves from real-world issues by reading about epic catastrophes, there’s THE LAST DOG ON EARTH by Adrian J. Walker (author of the marvelous “End of the World Running Club” books): this one has a different catastrophe, nuclear war rather than meteor swarms, but it leaves the protagonists (a dog, who does the majority of the narrating, and his owner, whose thoughts are rather different from those of his pet) in dire straits. Interesting mix of horror and humor.

      Also enjoying the manga series DRIFTING DRAGONS (which has an anime adaptation on Netflix): it’s basically steampunk sky-whalers who use a dirigible to hunt the flying/floating “dragons” for oil and meat. The dragons don’t look like traditional dragons at all (despite some cover-art suggesting otherwise) – they’re more like huge deep-sea creatures melded with eldritch horrors – though the parallels with real-world whaling make them more sympathetic even though the human characters all see them as either threats or (delicious) prey…

    2. Bluebell*

      All of the Stephanie Bond serials are light and fun. I’ve read a few of them, and am contemplating shelling out for Lottery Girl. They pretty much operate on the same arc, but sometimes you just want that comfort reading.

      1. TexasRose*

        The comfort reading I’m enjoying right now is the Donna Andrews cross-genre series about the blacksmith Meg Langslow. The series has won multiple mystery and romance awards, and the 25th book in the series (_The Hawk Always Wings Twice_) just came out this summer. The series may be too light for some, and you definitely have to enjoy the quirks of a large and interconnected family, and appreciate small town Southern living (set sometimes in Virginia, and sometimes in nearby states). Best read in sequence, starting with _Murder with Peacocks_. Within the series, different books have the following settings: undercover in the family software business; attending a convention where her husband is a featured guest for his short-lived role in a cult fantasy (sword-n-sorcery) TV series; revolutionary war re-enactment; a town-wide yard sale; occupying the town buildings that were illegally mortgaged by greedy politicians; organizing a house show as a Christmas charity fund-raiser; and a feral emu round-up. (Yes, Virginia apparently HAS a feral emu situation.)

        1. GoryDetails*

          Oh, I do like Donna Andrews! My favorite of the Meg Langslow books is “We’ll Always Have Parrots”, but they’re all a lot of fun – though sometimes it seems that Meg’s turning her increasingly-huge extended family-and-friend circle into one multi-state animal-rescue and crime-solving consortium!

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I love Stephanie Bond, especially her Body Movers series. I happened to meet her at Book Expo America a while back, and she is absolutely lovely in person, so I buy all of her stuff pretty much as soon as it comes out.

  14. AGD*

    Alison, you’ve inspired me to take another shot at crochet! I’ve been knitting for more than a decade but only ever made one even semi-respectable attempt at this. At any rate, I bought an introductory book and am working through it now, a little at a time. I might get over the learning curve this time! Taking YouTube channel recommendations if anyone has any.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Naztazia has a lot of easy to follow tutorials, from beginner to advanced. Iirc she even has a left-handed basic tutorial.

    2. Lifelong student*

      The Crochet Crowd and Fiber Spider are both great. The Crochet Crowd also has a website with written patterns as well as videos. I find using the two types of media together helps a lot in learning new stitches and in learning how to read patterns.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yay! I am still really enjoying it. I’m working on this blanket, which is much more interesting than anything I’d done yet. I’m especially liking the bobbles.

      https://www.mamainastitch.com/chunky-sampler-blanket-crochet-pattern-wintertide-throw/

      I do have a crocheting question (as usual)! While working on this blanket, I noticed that I somehow messed up a chain stitch many rows back. Instead of having a normal stitch in the chain on the row, I have a single thread of yarn there. (I can take a photo if it’s not clear what I mean.) Is there any way to fix it after the fact (without ripping out, which I have already done too much of)?

      1. Pucci*

        Is it super obvious? Does it mess up future rows? If not, just embrace the mistake.

        A different philosophy is that if on three separate occasions it really bothers you, it is worth it to rip back and fix it.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        For fixing a stitch many rows back, sew with a single length of yarn and a yarn sewing needle to mimic the look of the normal stitch. It might take a couple of tries to get the look you want, so leave a long tail of yarn instead of securely attaching the yarn to the blanket at first. Once you have the look you want, weave in the loose ends of the yarn. You’d be surprised how effective this “patch job” can look!
        I love your pattern!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        If it’s not really noticeable and it hasn’t thrown off your stitch count, I might be tempted to leave it.

        But sometimes an error just bugs me to no end. If I know that for years to come that error will stand out like a sore thumb to me, then I have to go back and fix it.

      4. Germank106*

        Chances are that you probably just picked up part of a stitch and not all the plies. That happens. If it bugs you a lot you can do what Wishing You Well suggested and just tack the piece of yarn down with some thread. If it doesn’t bother you, just call it a design feature.
        I’m finally finished with the blanket for my SIL. I will never use the “I wanna make a blankie” yarn again. SIL loves it, so it’s all good. Now I have another week to work on socks for the diaper brigade.

        https://imgur.com/a/BzQsNMk

    4. Tortally HareBrained*

      Although this isn’t a YouTube channel I really liked the way The Crochet Guru worked through the process of learning to crochet, the site has lots of videos and it was my primary resource when I learned.

      https://www.crochetguru.com/

  15. Director of Alpaca Exams*

    I have a sad question about a pet’s terminal illness. Putting it in a thread so people can easily collapse and skip past.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Our cat is nearing the end of her days. Because of covid, our vet is only doing drop-off appointments for regular matters. However, we obviously want to be with our cat for the final appointment. Has anyone done this in the covid era? Do vets make house calls now? (I think we’d prefer this to happen at the vet’s office rather than our house, if possible.) What should we expect?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Personally I’d say the end of a pet’s life is hardly a regular matter, and any sensible vet should know that. Have you tried contacting your vet to ask how they would handle this?

        1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

          I sent an email but got an auto-reply saying they’re getting lots of emails right now and responses may take a day or two. I’ll try calling during business hours.

          I figured the answer would probably be “It varies, call your vet,” but right now it’s 5 a.m. and I haven’t slept and my head is full of sad bees, and I was just hoping maybe someone here would happen to have some useful info that would help quiet the buzzing so I could go to bed.

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            Last year or so some vets in my country gave an interview in which they stated they actually prefer the owners to be present, because otherwise the pet’s last moments will be very confused, with pets frantically looking around trying to find their owner (the vets did understand why some people would rather not be present, but that’s their experience). So I think you should be okay.

              1. A.N. O'Nyme*

                I suppose a lot depends on the individual pet – I’d imagine some pets have stronger separation anxiety than others. And unlike the meme you reference below they weren’t judging owners (letting go of a pet is a big deal and they made it clear they perfectly understand not everyone can deal with that).

        2. Sleepless*

          Sadly, no matter how sensible we are, we are just as susceptible to COVID as any other human, and just as likely to be asymptomatic carriers that could spread it to pet owners, and that risk does not go down even for a euthanasia appointment.

          I’m sorry, I know that sounds snarky. It has been an extremely difficult six months for us, as it has for everyone. I’ve just had so many people who are indignant that we are taking the same precautions as every other human.

          1. Dog and cat fosterer*

            Masks can be worn indoors and hands washed, so I think it’s reasonable to ask if someone familiar can be present when an animal is euthanised. My cat had a stroke with seizures and I had to euthanize him suddenly, and I was the only one who could handle him (and even then I struggled). Thankfully it was pre COVID, but I needed to be there for my own peace of mind and the safety of the staff.

      2. BlueScarf*

        I’m so sorry for you and your cat. Most vets are letting people in for euthanasias. My sister had to put her dog down a couple months ago, and they brought her in for that. Call and see. If your regular vet doesn’t do it, I don’t think you have to be an existing client for it, so you can ask around.

      3. Whiskey on the rocks*

        Details ahead and apologies if it’s too much…

        I think our vet is making an exception for this, but I was opposite… at the end of March, I wanted to let my dog go at home rather than give him the trauma of a vet visit in his last moments. (Besides not loving the vet hospital itself, he was very big but barely able to walk. Trying to get him in the car for an emergency visit some weeks prior traumatized us both, I think.) Our vet gave us the names of two places that offer this in-home service; one was an actual business and the other was a vet. We live in a rural-ish area so house calls still happen. We took him into the yard to lay under a tree and I held him in my lap while the vet gave him a shot to put him to sleep and then another to euthanize him. She and her assistant were so kind. They wrapped him in a sheet (they kindly suggested I go in the house for that part) and took him to be cremated. He was returned to us about a week later.

        I’m glad we did it at home. He was calm and comfortable. I was not calm but then I didnt have to deal with being in public or trying to drive home.

        I’m sorry about your cat.

        1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

          It sounds like that made the best sense for you, and I’m so glad you could do it that way. I’m sorry for your loss.

          Our situation is the opposite… we’re in a city and would take a cab there and back, so no worries about driving, and I think it’s unlikely house calls are happening here. Our cat doesn’t generally mind the trip or the vet. I have a very strong visual/association memory and would indelibly associate that event with the house, which is especially hard when we’re all mostly stuck in the house right now. And we have a small child and two other cats, so anything happening at home would not be calm or peaceful and we’d be very distracted. So if we can go to the vet’s office, that would be our preference.

          1. Whiskey on the rocks*

            That makes sense. It’s definitely taking longer to get responses from the vet right now, for just about anything, but I hope they can give you some answers so you can decide what to do. It’s hard all the way around.

        2. Anax*

          My folks did the same at-home service for my childhood dog last week; he’s buried with the cat under the cherry tree, now. Old age for both, though it’s hard not to have been able to see them in the last couple years.

          I know this isn’t your preference, Director, but just in case it might be useful to someone else – it does sound like those services are largely uninterrupted by the pandemic. https://inhomepeteuthanasia.com/ seems to be a decent listing, or a vet’s office might have recommendations.

      4. NRG*

        The vet we use for our cats specifically states on their website that people are allowed in for euthanasia visits. Nearly all other matters are drop off only. Since you are up anyway, maybe poke around their website if they have one. Our vet’s website is very well designed and kept up to date compared to others in town, though, so ymmv.

      5. mreasy*

        I’m sorry to say that I have let a beloved cat go during covid, and the vet made an exception to the rule and let me into the room during the procedure. I would confirm with them that they will allow this, but I would hope any vets are compassionate enough to provide for this. I’m so sorry you’re facing this.

        1. Cat Herder*

          I’m sorry everyone’s pets.
          I had to let a cat go as well, in June. I was able to go into the vet to be with him.

      6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I had a friend who was in a similar position earlier in the pandemic, albeit with a dog. Our vet also does boarding so they have a bit of a fenced yard, and the weather was such that they went out in the vet’s yard to both be safer for all the people and also to give the dog a much nicer environment than inside the office for their last moments. (But it was enclosed so random vet-goers weren’t SURPRISE walking into it.) I don’t know that translates well to cats exactly, but basically, a good vet will try their best to be accommodating.

      7. Aza*

        There are some special services for in home euthenasia. It probably varies by company what they’re doing in the age of covid. I would just Google in home euthenasia. We used a service a few years ago and it was the best of a bad situation.

      8. Mystery fan*

        I’m so very sorry. We unfortunately had a recent experience with this and we were both able to be with our cat and hold her when it happened. I don’t know what I would have done if they said we couldn’t be there. Even though she was very sick she was clearly so glad to see us when they brought her into the exam room (they took her in the back to place the IV line). She perked right up when she saw us which made me cry more but also made me so glad we were there because she needed us. That is just my experience and I know everyone has their own feelings/needs in such a difficult situation but for us it worked out as well as it could.

      9. Generic Name*

        I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. We had to put our elderly dog down recently, and we used a mobile vet service called “Lap of Love”. I think they have branches/franchises across the country. They came to our house (everyone wore masks- it’s kind of uncomfortable to cry in a mask) and did the procedure outside. Our dog loved the outdoors, so it was comforting to him. Our other dog was able to roam around and see what was happening and sniff his body. I highly recommend it, and I think we would use that method again for any of our other pets, even not during a pandemic.

      10. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I had a cat die at the beginning of May, unexpectedly from cancer. I did not go into the vet’s office. In that specific case, I wasn’t as upset because I’d only adopted the cat 6 months prior so I wasn’t hugely attached to her.

        There are vets that will come to the house. And since it’s not May and this is not a regular appointment, your vet may be willing to make an exception. You’d have to ask.

      11. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

        We had our cat put to sleep in May due to kidney failure. The animal hospital we took her to would allow one person inside for the procedure, but they had the option of doing it in their outdoor memorial garden where you could have the whole family there. It was actually quite beautiful and peaceful, although crying your eyes out while fully masked isn’t very pleasant.

        I have some friends who are/work with vets, and most are allowing one or two people in, masks required of course.

      13. CC*

        My vet is only letting 1 family member in for euthanasia.

        I ended up having a service called “Peaceful Passages” come & they did it in the backyard with the full family present (since they were not doing inside due to Covid). It was much less stressful for everyone than only one person getting to go at the vet’s office (& my dog didn’t mind going to the vet).

      14. Paige*

        My dog actually passed a few months ago. Our vet had us go into a room with just us and him to say our goodbyes (mask worn and required for everyone). They let us be with him in his final moments if we chose to be. I hope that your vet can do the same.

      15. OTGW*

        I might be late to reply, but we put our cat down in August. Only two people were allowed to go in, so me and my mom did, and we stayed in the room the whole time. We were required to wear a mask, but were able to pull it down a little to give my cat some kisses goodbye.
        I’m really sorry for your loss.

      16. Firecat*

        Sorry about your kitty. I would let your vet know your wish, and offer to mask up and what else would they want? Most Vets prefer owners to be there if the tough decision to put down is made.

      17. I Never Remember My Name Here*

        I haven’t read many replies, but we just went through this. Our area has several veterinary services that do house calls, specializing in the final days (hospice, eutheanasia, etc.), I was able to Google to find the names and then check our local FB groups for reviews and recommendations.

        We scheduled the time for our girl (dog, advanced lymphoma), and the vet came to our home, stayed masked up, and I was able to hold her close while she went. The vet was amazingly kind, provided a hair clipping and a paw print, and while they also offered cremation services, our local funeral home does as well and for various reasons I chose them.

        For us, doing it at home allowed our other two dogs to “say goodbye” – they don’t get closure so much as they immediately realize what’s happened, rather than their friend/pack member going out the front door and never coming back; I wasn’t sure I could handle them continuing to look for her. My beagle is still in a state of depression and that’s hard enough.

        I’m sorry about your kitty, it’s a terrible time without also dealing with the loss of a loved one.

    2. nep*

      So sorry for your situation. I hope your vet office will accommodate you so you can resolve things peacefully for all.

    3. nep*

      So sorry for your situation, Director. Hope your vet office will accommodate you to resolve this in a way that’s as peaceful as possible for all.

    4. Sleepless*

      We’ve been allowing people in the building for euthanasias. I want to give people that option if I can. It’s difficult, because no matter how I try to maintain social distance, I usually end up coming up quite close to the owner at least once, and invariably that is when they will suddenly yank their mask off and start sobbing. If I get COVID, that is where I assume I will get it.

      If you choose not to be present, I know that there is a meme that keep circulating on social media about how horrible it is for a pet owner not to choose to be present with their pet when they are euthanized, but the pets really seem fine either way. The pets really do not seem anxious away from their owners in the hospital…whether it’s for euthanasia, a curbside exam, or hospitalization.

      1. Deanna Troi*

        I’m sorry that people are being irresponsible and taking off their nasks, especially when you have different rules allowing owners to come in during euthanasia. Thank you for what you do. It is greatly appreciated.

    5. LegallyRed*

      I’m so sorry for your pending loss. When it was our kitty’s time back in July, we were allowed to be there. (“We” meaning myself, my partner, and our teenager.) It was the only exception to their no visitor policy. It seems like that would not be uncommon.

    6. CatCat*

      I’m so sorry. When our kitty was nearing the end, our vet gave us info about a mobile vet service that can do in-home euthanasia. It’s called “Lap of Love” and they were wonderful and caring. Looks like they operate throughout the U.S. so could be worth looking into. So sorry <3

      1. Squeakrad*

        I would be surprised if your vet didn’t make an exception for euthanasia. It may be the only want to let one person in and not both of you if there’s more than one. It’s interesting that someone else has posted that owners tend to take their masks off and cry so maybe avoid doing that until you leave the office.

        While we will always choose to have our Cats euthanized at home if possible – none of our cats enjoyed going to the vet – I agree with you that it’s very stressful and the visuals can be hard to put out of your mind. Just as our cats didn’t ask to be born they didn’t ask to be ill so I wanted them to be as comfortable as possible.
        This isn’t a judgment at all – I’m just saying it was difficult to get over the images but given that our most recent baby cat really didn’t like going to the vet we felt it was important to do it at home. But that was before Covid Dash I can’t imagine what would happen if we were stuck in the house in that situation. So I hope you find a vet that you like that will let you come in the office and be with your cat. I’ve never had a cat – and I’ve had many — for whom I didn’t matter that I was there. Every single time they have reached out their paw or laid their head on my hand or some message to tell me that they knew it was OK
        OK I’m not crying you’re crying

    7. Cheshire Cat*

      Sadly, my son had to have his cat put to sleep last week. The vet doesn’t normally let “pet parents” in due to Covid but they made an exception for this.

    8. cat parent*

      I had to put my cat down in June and although all the visits leading to this unfortunate outcome were contactless where I could not come in, for euthansias, they had a special protocol where you could choose to be with your pet. We did all the paperwork ahead of time by phone/email and when I got there, they gave me a gown, new mask, gloves, hairnet, asked me health questions and took my temperature. They had a special route inside the facility someone escorted me through. My city was not in a good place in June at that time, but it felt safe to me. I really ended up interacting with only 2 people inside the person who took my temp and escorted me in and out and the vet, and we were distanced as well as both wearing full PPE. I am sorry about your cat.

    9. Laura*

      I haven’t read the other replies but I sadly have some experience. We lost our cat a few weeks ago and they did let me come in even though owners are not generally allowed in. I waited outdoors while they got him ready (put in iv catheter) and used a long iv to administer the drugs so the vet could stand 6 ft away (and we were both masked of course).

      The vet I used to work for would on occasion do at home euthanasias but only in specific cases- owner was unable to come in or couldn’t physically bring the animal in (I.e. clinic wasn’t wheelchair accessible or older person with a large dog unable to walk)
      Hope that helps! I’m sorry about your cat :(

    10. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Thank you all for the helpful info and kind words. Our vet will let us come in for this, and after they give the last injection, they’ll leave us alone with our cat and we can take our masks off when there’s no one else in the room (which is good, because crying in a mask is dreadful and my partner’s claustrophobic with masks as it is). So we’ve got an appointment for this afternoon and it will be as un-terrible as such a thing can be.

      All the love to everyone dealing with similar grief right now. <3

      2. Sleepless*

        I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were/are (not sure of timeline) able to be with your baby. Thinking of you.

  16. FrenchFry*

    How do you deal with therapy when you don’t trust mental health professionals? I had a traumatic experience when I was involuntarily committed as a child. I won’t go into details, but it’s made it hard for me to trust all doctors, especially psychiatrists and therapists. I have been to a few therapists since then, but they were all either bad or a bad fit, and I never really worked on my mental health problems with them. I mostly just vented about day to day frustrations and family conflicts.

    I hit a turning point when I decided to work on my issues with one therapist I had started to trust and she dropped the ball. She wasn’t awful or anything; I actually liked her a lot. I had had some misgivings about the things she said for a while and then she said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something snapped. It was like the gash had been reopened. I realized I wasn’t just distrustful and anxious about MHPs, but downright enraged at them and the field of psychiatry itself and how dehumanizing, paternalistic, patronizing, and woo-like it is.

    Now, thanks to Covid, I have been struggling with the worst depression of my life, bad enough that I’ve thought about maybe getting some help, but also bad enough that I’m worried that if I tell anyone how bad things are, they’ll involuntarily commit me again. I know my job is a big part of my stress, so I contacted a local vocational rehab agency and they said I needed not only a recent diagnosis of a disability, but if it’s mental, I have to go to therapy regularly (and pay for it myself) to receive their services. (Which is bullshit. You don’t have to be going to physical therapy if you’re physically disabled.) Still, I really could use their help in finding a new job, as not only do they have access to disability-friendly jobs that don’t get listed on job boards, they also offer job training and other assistance.

    I’ve been waffling about this for a while. I am almost compulsively honest, so if I go in there, I’ll probably end up telling them about the situation. I don’t want them to have leverage over me, either by threatening to commit me or refusing to verify my attendance with voc rehab if I don’t follow their treatments. I’m also not thrilled at the idea of paying $100+ in copays every month so I can talk about nothing to someone I don’t want to talk to anyway. Additionally, the middle of a job search seems like a bad time to be revisiting childhood traumas. I feel like if I let someone start poking around in those parts, I’m going to be such a wreck I won’t be able to work. Still, I was thinking about going in before I contacted voc rehab, so… I don’t know.

    Any advice?

    1. Cubicle_queen*

      I don’t have a similar situation, but I did struggle to pick up therapy after having such dissatisfying experiences with our EAP for a few different things (the last of which was prime quarantine/pandemic time), but knowing that I could really use the help. I looked up in my area on psychology.com & picked the person who had the most approachable spiel and who looked similar to an older friend. I thought a lot about who I would feel most comfortable talking to, appearance-wise.

      I also had a lot of reluctance about about investing & then it not working out. A podcast I like is sponsored by BetterHelp, and they promote that you can switch out providers at any time—which was really appealing to me. If I couldn’t find someone local, that would have been my next step.

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I read somewhere that BetterHelp’s providers don’t have to be trained or licensed, though. They could just be anyone who wants to play therapist for some gig worker bucks.

        1. PollyQ*

          Their web site, including their requirements on their available jobs page, says otherwise.

          Licensed by a State Board to provide counseling (e.g., LCSW, LMFT, LPC, PsyD or similar credentials).
          NOTE: Unfortunately, if you are an intern or if you require supervision to provide counseling services, you cannot be a provider at BetterHelp at this time. Also, we are unable to accept substance abuse counselors, school counselors, registered nurses, career counselors, Christian counselors and business/life coaches (unless they have an additional license as a mental health counselor).

          Not affiliated, just a googler.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that!

      I think the most effective way to approach it would be to make your first therapy goal not about the depression directly, but about dealing with the (completely valid) anger and lack of trust that are interfering with getting help for the depression.

      So, basically what you said here about your childhood experience and how it affected you. Learning how to find someone who is trustworthy. Learning how to establish safety gradually, before becoming completely vulnerable.

      I don’t know if that’s an approach you can work with, but it seems to me that treating the anger/trust as a distinct problem and addressing it first, is going to both help ease your stress and allow more direct & effective treatment of the depression later on.

      Otherwise, you’ll try addressing the depression and keep running into the anger as a roadblock.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Can you find a NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) chapter near you? It is really a peer organization so you will find others who have been through the process of needing mental health and they might have recommendations for local doctors and support for you as you look for one.

    4. pieforbreakfast*

      I’m sorry at what happened to you as a child and the trauma that is affecting you now. If seeing a professional seems overwhelming right now I would look for a support group, NAMI or the Trauma Survivors Network are two resource that come to mind. This may help you get comfortable talking about yourself and what you need and get you to a place where speaking to a professional isn’t so scary.
      Also involuntary commitment for an adult has an incredibly high bar to meet, 1000x higher than for a child.

    5. JC Books*

      My heart goes out to you! Depression and trauma are a heavy burden to carry around. Do not give up on seeking the right treatment. You are not alone! I found help through New Life Live. (1-800-new life )
      They have incredible resources that they can connect you to for help. You can be anonymous and just get some advice on how to navigate the process to get disability. They do not judge.
      Virtual positive thoughts to you! Take care.

    6. Venus*

      There are therapists who specialize in helping people who have been abused by the medical system. I don’t know how to find one in your city, but my friend found one (looking at references online and asking around for suggestions?) and it changed his life. The therapists (it was a group practice with different specialties – one discussed past history while another worked on coping skills) had suggestions that were specifically helpful to his past experiences, and as he improved he was able to get medical treatment for things that had been a problem for years so now he’s physically and mentally much healthier five years later.

      It is possible!

    7. It’s me AV*

      I’ve areplied to another comment below about finding a therapist that’s right for you – which can be a process even without past associated trauma – for me looking up local therapists’ profiles on Psychology Today was a starting point for finding a good fit, based on their description of their therapeutic approach.

      What I’d suggest to you is to approach this from the point of view that yes you need help from the therapist, but you have the power as the client to decide if they are or aren’t actually helping you.

      Have a phone conversation when you make the initial appointment and explain directly where you are coming from and what you are looking for.

      I’ve also had therapists where it was just me venting and getting nothing useful back, and feeling stuck. So when I started with my current therapist I explicitly told her that I’ve had those experiences and I’m looking for something different; I wanted constructive conversations and feedback, and she confirmed that that is part of her approach.

      So when you call, absolutely tell them that you need focused help on your current depression and work stress, and do not want to revisit childhood trauma at this time. Mention your fear of involuntary commitment. Their reaction will let you know if they have the right approach, and you’ll be able to get a feel for whether they are responsive to your needs and if you like their attitude.

      The right person will work with you in a positive way and not make you feel like they hold power over you. If you meet with them and you don’t get a good feeling, don’t go back. As an adult client you have a lot more agency than as a child.

      I’m sorry you had those terrible experiences and I hope you find someone who is helpful to you now!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Would it be helpful to break this into parts? If today is a 5 alarm fire of upheaval, it almost seems impractical to sort what happened years ago at this moment. It could be like throwing gasoline in an already 5 alarm fire. I am almost thinking that maybe your best bet is to get a plan to help you through current time.

      In my area at least voc rehab is not what it should be. You’d be better off working at things on your own as much as you can. It might be better in your area, it is possible I am mistaken. People who hire folks usually hire them temporarily. They are not paid much. These employers love to brag that offer opportunities to those who have disabilities, it’s great PR. Yeah, and it’s also much cheaper in the budget. The job boards here probably consist of a list of employers who routinely need a supply of seasonal help. These same employers have been doing business with voc rehab for decades this way. They don’t advertise else where because they don’t need to. Once on disability, the counselors will advise people not to make too much money because people will lose their “free money”.

      I am not sure what advantages accessing their job boards will bring you. I spent a decade in an adjacent arena so I had plenty of opportunity to see what is going on. I did not see people getting to select their jobs- they were told where they would be working. I saw a lot of minimum wage jobs in spots that were hard to fill such as cleaning restrooms. I grew very jaded about our systems and I think you can see why.

      Maybe you would get more out of a life coach. Maybe just getting to a better spot right now is enough of a goal.
      We can’t change our past but if similar things (or things that remind us of previous events) are still happening now, we can take some course of action.

    9. Health care person*

      I’m a therapist. Totally makes sense you would be so hesitant, given your past experiences. Here are some ideas:
      1. The American Psychological Association website has a lot of great resources and info. I just checked, and it has a link about ethics which you may find helpful, as well as good info on coping with and treating various psychological problems.
      2. In general (but check for where you are located), a psychologist, counselor or therapist cannot commit someone to hospital. Only a medical doctor can do it. Also the criteria for commitment for an adult are very stringent and difficult to meet. Your local mental health advocavy organization will know more about your area’s situation, of course.
      3. Depression treatment does not have to include therapy. Antidepressants are very much worth considering and they can be life-saving when they work. The APA website, above, plus probably NAMI, will also have good info on various treatment and self-help options. If you are taking meds, it is possible that a disability insurance company would not require therapy.
      4. Speaking of a therapy requirement, check with other voc rehab places, and, if possible, HR at your job, about your specific disability insurance coverage. Also, local disability/mental health advocacy organizations could be helpful to verify (or not) this information. Might or might not be true. It is less likely to be true if you are managing your mental health with a few days off here and there rather than a longer term leave from work, but check your local law/policies. If you are American, there is a lot of discussion of this on AAM of course.
      5. It is unethical in the extreme to withhold treatment attendance info to force patients to cooperate with treatment. Or to manipulate clients into treatment in any way. Big big grounds for complaint to the registering body of the physician/psychologist/therapist. An ethical treatment provider gives options for various treatment possibilities, discusses pros and cons, and provides info on likelihood of success of the options. If your therapist is unethical, stop working with them (they cannot make you stay), and consider making a complaint.
      6. Most therapists offer the option of a conversation to check for fit, goals, treatment choices before starting therapy. Great option to use.
      7. Depression treatment does not require that past trauma be discussed. It is usually not recommended to do in-depth trauma treatment when the person is otherwise not well (with depression, for example).
      8. Focusing on current symptoms of depression and ways to cope with/treat them is a perfectly reasonable therapy goal to set. Cognitive-behavioural therapists, for example, also tend to be more present-focused and to provide concrete ways to manage symptoms.
      9. A good therapist/psychologist/doctor will be happy to discuss the research evidence behind different treatment approaches. It is likely that they are ethically required to provide validated treatment options, but in any case, it is a perfectly reasonable question to ask.
      10. Your local crisis line is a good option for info on free/low-cost treatments and resources in your area. Also, IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY HURT YOURSELF, CALL THE CRISIS LINE. They can offer you some coping strategies in the moment as well as ways to otherwise get help.
      11. Oh yeah, if you need a psychological diagnosis, usually in North America a psychologist can do that, as well as your family doctor or other medical doctor. Usually therapists/counsellors are not legally able to provide a diagnosis. Disability/mental health advocacy organizations in your area will know the local rules for you. It might also be in the general benefits and disability coverage booklet/website at your work (e.g., for x situation, you will need x form completed and it needs to be done by a medical doctor or psychologist).

      GOOD LUCK!

    10. LGC*

      Normally, I’d say get a therapist, but…that’s not going to work if your problem is with therapists in general!

      I’d probably suggest – if you have someone trusted in your life – that you talk to them about your hesitancy and ask them if they can provide support for you (like – by being in the waiting room for your first appointment). Aside from that, doing some homework and finding therapists that have experience with people like you who’ve been traumatized by the medical system is a VERY good idea, and probably necessary.

      Also, I think you’re definitely right that you shouldn’t try to address your childhood trauma right now. The good news is that a good therapist will not force you to do so, even if and when it comes out in session.

      That said – you’re probably going to hate me for saying this, but you might benefit from a psychiatrist over a psychologist or a therapist. (The difference being that a psychiatrist is a doctor, and can prescribe medications.) From my experience, my psychiatrist mostly worked with me on whether I was clinically depressed (I was) and what medications worked for me (this was a bunch of trial and error). You might need a referral – so you might need to go to your PCP/GP for that. In my case, I’d already been in therapy, so my therapist (who was part of a larger agency) hooked me up with the agency’s psychiatrist.

    11. Anon for this one*

      I was briefly institutionalized at age 5. I was just old enough to understand what I was looking at – it was a roach motel. Children go in, they don’t come out. My birth mother went to jail, relatives claimed me, but I still had years of therapy ahead of me. I dutifully went in every week and got prodded. Am I a happy child who deserves a family, or should I go back in THERE with the other broken children?

      Rage, hatred, and shame? Check. I get it. And in my late 20s, I had a work-related situational depression that I eventually had to admit was beyond my own abilities to deal with.

      Here’s how I handled it. I went to my GP and asked for SSRIs. They may just hand it over. Mine required me to consult with a psychiatrist. That was mostly to confirm that I wasn’t actively suicidal, which I was not. It wasn’t terribly intensive; I went in twice, and then once more as I weaned off. I was asked to do some reading, which is a good idea anyway. I read “Feeling Good” by David Burns, and it’s a good, practical guide to self-therapy.

      If you’re an active danger to yourself or others, better to admit it – committed is better than dead. But if you’re not at that point, you’re not at all suicidal, you’re just having trouble coping. Period. They won’t commit you if you don’t say the S word, and you’re in control over whether you say it.

    12. Rosie*

      Hi, I’m coming to this late but wanted to mention arts therapies, such as drama, art and music therapy (I’m a music therapist). You might find these more accessible as you don’t have to talk about anything in depth if you don’t want to, and as they’re more interactive you may feel more in control. It might also satisfy the requirement of the agency. Alternatively I’ll echo what Health Care Person said below that CBT might be helpful – it’s generally here-and-now and solution focused, and often you sign up for relatively short periods. Any good therapist should also be happy to have a conversation with you about their approach so you can decide if it’s for you. Best of luck

  17. Loopy*

    A friend and I spontaneously decided to make each other hygge kits and mail them to each other. Kind of like a subscription box of themed goodies but curated by someone who both knows and cares more about you!

    For example, my friend doesn’t like hot drinks, which is my #1 go-to comforting cold weather thing-so I wont include things like tea and cocoa in her box but I’m hoping for some in mine! For our project, we are trying to keep it to things that fit in a flat rate mailer box.

    I love the concept of hygge and am also always interested in people’s favorite cozy, comforting winter items. What are yours? Trying to get in the hygge mindset is hard because where I am it’s still hitting the mid-eighties! And always on the lookout for new cozy/hygge things to get for when it’s finally dark and moderately chilly here! (Link to hygge meaning to follow in a comment!)

    1. Loopy*

      I always feel like I fail at explaining hygge- so adding some links:

      https://www.visitdenmark.com/denmark/highlights/hygge/what-hygge

      But also,came across this to read later (I’m already running late and only skimmed it): https://mashable.com/article/hygge-scandinavian-lifestyle-trend/

      If I’m not really using the term right, please someone who knows more feel free to correct me as I probably do use it too loosely. I guess we are just making boxes of comforting, cozy items to cheer us up during winter months, but also ones that are personal to us, and sent by a loved friend, so now I’m curious how close to true hygge this is.

      1. Grapey*

        Hygge is a feeling of closeness to others and the idea of buying items just to create that feeling seems off to me personally. Seems like the term is a mental substitute for “cozy” things the way “minty fresh” sells toothpaste and is used as a mental substitute for “clean”. (Looking at “tourist hygge tours” at one of your links like WTF.) I’ve felt it just reading a card with a nice note from a friend, or sitting close with a loved one in a hospital room, or alone walking down a loud, cold, neon lit city street thinking about a conversation I had with a friend minutes ago – it’s about where your mind is and optionally if you have people with you sharing that mindset.

        Decorate the boxes and write nice notes and don’t overthink the contents would be my material advice!

        1. fads*

          I think that if I were buying things for myself it wouldn’t feel like anything but a friend who lives some distance away buying things she thinks you’ll like and will make you feel good – that would make me feel close to others!

        2. Loopy*

          Yes, the people and closeness part seems a big part of it from that second article and one aspect I rarely see represented! Of course, this year with covid still running rampant in the US where I am- sending hygge boxes IS as close to people-closeness as we can get. So I guess this box exchange is covid-hygge.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Oh what a lovely idea. I think I’ll do this for my friends’ birthdays next month! My hygge things would be books, a subscription to a health/ vegan cooking magazine, cruelty-free makeup, bubble bath, razors, and nice body lotion, new PJs, very posh filter coffee or tea leaves, a cozy blanket…
      My gosh such a long list!
      I really hate scented candles so wouldn’t like that in my hygge box.

      1. Loopy*

        I love how customizable some parts of hygge are since comforting and cozy means something different to everyone! I can never trust myself not to forget candles and often my very poor sense of smell has to be too close to really smell them- so I also would opt out on candles! But gosh, good winter pjs…..

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh man, awesome socks would go in mine. There are so many options there, I’d probably be happy just getting a box full of socks, though that would be true for tea, too. I bake quite a bit, so something fun and easy for the oven that would make the house smell delicious and feel toasty warm would probably also tickle my fancy. Maybe spice mixes for, say, baking or roasting fall and winter veggies would be an idea for me. Certainly good comfy feeling books. I’ll think on this and possibly update more.

      1. Loopy*

        My problem is that I LOVE warm fuzzy comfy socks, but I have so many I can’t justify getting/having any more. My husband gets me the really thick Jane and Bleecker slipper socks they sell at Costco (highly recommend) every few years. I’m maxed out, but man do I love them!

      2. Batgirl*

        I love buying myself and others luxury mix socks: cashmere, merino etc. John Lewis started making machine washable cashmere and I went nuts. As warm as sheepskin and much cheaper.

        1. Loopy*

          Socks as a gift get a bad rep- I love a *good* pair of comfy socks. It never occurred to me others would agree- would make gift giving so much easier!

    4. nep*

      That is such a lovely idea.
      A friend told me a while back that she was really struggling after the deaths of a few loved ones. I sent her a box with a random mix of essential oils, body butter, bath salts, and a couple of other self-pampering items. As well as a type of snack around which we’ve long had a sort of inside joke.
      I like finding items like this at Marshalls.

      1. Loopy*

        That such a lovely gesture. I wish more people curated boxes like this, it’s really thoughtful and unique. I may see if I’m around a Marshalls tomorrow- I was going to start at Target. I love boxes like this since it’s often things I don’t splurge on for myself!

    5. Still*

      How about one of those cake-in-a-jar things, where you make them a cake mix for a favourite recipe? Flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder… Just add the liquid ingredients!

      1. Still*

        Oh, I also always appreciate fancy tissues – when I have a runny nose in the autumn there’s nothing better than the aloe vera kleenex. They’re a bit more pricey than normal tissues but sooo nice to have and so gentle on my nose.

      2. Loopy*

        I will have to look for one of those! I thought about cookies but I like the idea of her actually baking something and having the house smell amazing.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I’ve just sent my friend a treat box for her birthday!

      She mentioned she was feeling and looking old when we spoke, so I sent her:

      Some skin serum
      A sheet mask
      Some anti ageing hand cream
      A lip balm
      Lots of different chocolates
      A packet of Love Hearts

      She just got it today and said she loved it!

    7. Washi*

      If she has the ability to play DVDs, you could get her a cozy winter movie or two. I’m partial to Little Women but obviously it depends on taste.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Mine would include:

      Soft socks
      Lightweight throw
      Flannel nightshirt
      Delicious soup
      Mood lighting (my husband likes string lights on a battery that you can bundle on a shelf; I like small uplights that you can place on the floor behind furniture)
      Unscented candles
      Crossword puzzles
      Unscented body lotion

      I’ve been looking forever for a nice bed jacket. I would love to have a cozy wrap specifically to wear sitting up in bed.

    11. Alex*

      What about one of those microwave heat packs? Filled with clay beads or wheat or stuff. If you’re crafty you can even make them at home.

      I live in a chilly house and often just cuddle with mine, as well as it being nice for aches and stuff.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Summer can be hygge… think about reading on a comfortable chair under a colorful umbrella with a cool drink, after puttering in the garden.
      I love this idea by the way.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh and the question! For winter, an old fashioned hot water bottle with a soft cover so it feels snuggly. (Removeable for washing… good way to give more life to a favorite but worn out sweatshirt.)

    13. Stephanie*

      I always love fancy, scented soaps. And as it gets colder outside, my skin gets drier and drier, so really nice lotions and hand creams would be great, too. Maybe some nice fancy chocolate? Or a really great book.

  18. Amethyst*

    Thank you to everyone who commented under my question last weekend. I had my gyn appointment and it turns out that I’m going through perimenopause. She is keeping me on my birth control pill because it’ll help keep me evened out.

    I’m finding that I have these really awful, upsetting dreams that wake me up. It doesn’t happen every night but it’s often enough where I’m up at midnight or 1, 2, or 3 AM because of it. What did you guys do to alleviate these?

    1. Book Lover*

      The nightmares may not be related to perimenopause, as the pill should work quite well (depending on whether it is cyclical or continuous). You could ask to switch to hrt depending on age? For early menopause (I don’t know your age) hrt is considered a better choice than the pill.
      I am having a lot of nightmares and early waking these days. I am just scared, and without a lot of optimism. Sorry. You could try magnesium at bedtime, depending on your health/any conditions you have. Lemon balm and valerian could be considered.
      You could talk to your doctor also.
      (Disclaimer, I am a doctor but not your doctor, etc)

      1. Amethyst*

        Thanks. I’m 35 and have PCOS. The pill is so I can have regular periods and I’ve been on it for years.

        I happen to have a followup with my PCP on Tuesday so I’ll run the magnesium suggestion by him then.

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      Mine was 3:30, like clockwork. I eliminated coffee and refined sugar and I started sleeping better overall and added a walk in the evening. That helped enough that I recommend it, but it isn’t foolproof. I read The Hormone Reset Diet by Dr. Sara Gottfried and learned a lot and was able to make some meaningful lifestyle adjustments. It is not for the faint of heart – try your library copy first!

    3. Dottie*

      My sympathies! Came here to ask the same question about nightmares. This past month I’ve been unable to sleep like my usual sleep-like-a-rock self. It takes me an hour or so to fall asleep, and I wake up quite a bit from disturbing dreams. I don’t drink or do caffeine already… I might look into the magnesium suggestion. Hope you find something that helps too!

      1. Anax*

        Not for everyone, but melatonin around sunset has been working wonders for me; my psychiatrist says that it seems to be particularly useful for insomnia caused by anxiety and hypervigilance. Hope you find something that works for you.

        2. Amethyst*

          Thanks. I’ll look into this as well. Will/does it still work now that the sun is setting earlier? Asking cuz I’d like to not be sleepy at 5 or something, lol.

          2. Anax*

            Yup, my psychiatrist’s recommendation is to take it about 2 hours before you want to sleep. Sunset is apparently best – it’s literally the hormone your body makes when it gets dark outside – but going based on your bedtime will also work fine.

            She also said that any dosage commercially available should be fine (I have the 1mg from Walgreens). Apparently the data is only solid for <= 1mg doses, anything more than that is probably not risky but also not going to help any more.

            (Obviously, not a medical professional myself, but that's the advice given to me!)

    4. Bibliovore*

      I know how you are feeling. My gyn switched me from birth control pills to hormone replacement therapy. That helped with the vivid nightmares, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, insomnia. Still had the hot flashes.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Birth control pills could cause nightmares. I’d ask your pharmacist about it and ask about adjusting the dose or if a mini-pill with no estrogen might help with nightmares. Use backup birth control methods, if you need to.
      Good sleep hygiene might help you. Diet changes might help. Magnesium might help but it gave me significant gut problems even at a normal dose.
      I hope you find a way to get good sleep.

    6. Phoenix from the ashes*

      I’ve had night terrors as long as I can remember – not all the time, thankfully, but every 3-4 months I have a run of about 2 weeks with them. Or, had, until I went on Prozac a couple of years back and haven’t had a single one. I have no idea if that’s a recognised side effect of the drug, though!

  19. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Writers of AAM: Do you have a favorite self-publishing platform? I’ve used Lulu in the distant past, but it seems pretty clunky and frustrating now. Are there better sites out there?

    (I know I’m potentially selling myself short by not even trying to get it published traditionally, but I frankly don’t have the patience to wait years to go through the whole process of traditional publishing, and realistically I don’t think my novel will appeal to a large enough audience for an agent to be able to sell it.)

    1. Curly sue*

      I had an excellent experience with Draft 2 Digital for ebook production and distribution. I was reformatting and rereleasing books after my publisher closed and my rights reverted, so not something I’d anticipated having to learn, and I found their process fairly intuitive.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I am stuck with Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing. I don’t like them because Jeff Bezos is a greed dragon, their customer service is useless, and and it still costs money to produce a book (don’t even try if you can’t get an editor; I am way in the red), but distribution is free. Once I get out of this trilogy, I will probably try to go traditional with subsequent work.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I use KDP for Amazon ebook sales, and their print option with wide distribution for physical copies.

      For all other ebook sales I use Draft 2 Digital. The royalties are so much better, because if you use Amazon wide distribution on ebooks, they take a big cut.

    4. jolene*

      It’s not “traditional”, it’s “professional”. And there are many smaller publishers who know their niche markets and will be happy to put out books for a smaller audience.

  20. nep*

    Credit score, credit report.
    I’ve never gotten mine. I’ve got no idea what it would say, as I have a far from typical life/financial situation. I’m curious, and I need to know what it says. (I might have been part of a breach of US govt employees information a few years back–was in quite a rough patch when I received the letters about that and never pursued.)
    The sites for getting credit score and/or report require one to give social security number, of course. Are these safe? Should I go through my bank–do banks/credit unions generally offer this as a service?
    I know this must sound ridiculous to some. Having lived many years overseas and then moving back to the family house in the US, well…anyway, it’s odd I know.

    1. BRR*

      You get one free credit report each year from each of the three credit reporting companies. You can get them on annual credit report dot com. Some people do them all at once and some space them out to monitor their report through the year.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. Yes, that’s my understanding–one free per year. I went to that site; I’m just always wary of entering in SS#. But I gather it’s ‘safe,’ then?

        1. Gaia*

          As long as you’re on the official site it is as safe as it can be.

          One thing I would suggest (to everyone) is putting on a credit freeze. You do this directly with each credit bureau. It is free and can be done online. This prevents anyone from pulling your credit without you knowing. If they try, they get an error saying your file is frozen. You have to “unfreeze” it to have it run (also can be done online). It is a great safeguard against identity theft. I keep all of mine frozen and just unfreeze if I need to have my credit ran.

          2. Where’s the Orchestra?*

            Actually have done this for almost a decade now (and tip to parents – don’t forget freezing accounts for your kids as well!). It has actually helped with big impulse purchases because anything that required a credit run had an extra added step (unfreezing the accounts).

          3. Wishing You Well*

            We froze our credit with FOUR credit bureaus. There are more credit score companies than just the big 3. If you freeze your credit, do it with at least the biggest 3.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          You may already know this- at the top of your screen where it gives the address of the website if it says “https” it’s a secure page. I caught my credit union using a regular http on my account. I called and complained.

          Additionally if you go into the page for the “Federal Trade Commission and free credit reports” you can use their links to navigate to a credit bureau.

          1. Anax*

            Yep. Also:
            – Check the “padlock” icon to the left of the icon. A little popup should show that the certificate is valid.
            – I know, it’s a pain, but… I would recommend Chrome as a browser, in incognito mode, when you’re worried about sensitive information. IE/Edge and Firefox don’t fully sandbox their tabs, so briefly, it’s easier for one tab/window to affect another.

        3. Squeakrad*

          Don’t do it on your wireless – do it on your phones system like T mobile or Verizon or on a wired connection. Or add a VPN to your wireless. That’s the only way I transmit any banking information online.

      2. Natalie*

        They’re temporarily allowing people to pull one a week. So this is a great time to pull all three and then get on a regular schedule.

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Some banks and credit unions will give you your credit score for free online. If you do online banking, log onto the bank/credit union’s website and search for “credit score.”

      1. ThatGirl*

        This, and I also recommend CreditKarma, I’ve used it for years, it’s free (ad supported) and lets me know when there are potential breaches, when my score has changed, etc.

    5. A Simple Narwhal*

      Sign up for Credit Karma! It’s free and it monitors your credit and updates your score every few weeks. I highly recommend it for everyone, not only for your scores but to monitor all of your accounts. It notifies you anytime something happens – someone pulls your credit score? Email. New account opened? Email. Balance paid off? Email. It’s a great way to know where you stand and ensure if fraud happens you’ll know almost immediately.

      1. Aza*

        I also love credit karma for monitoring, but just so everyone’s aware, the score’s not always accurate. But for other stuff it’s good!

    6. Sleepless*

      I monitor mine on Experian. Very safe, no issues. They have an app that gives you updates on any changes in your credit rating, balance increases/decreases etc.

    7. BunnyWatsonToo*

      You can also check with your credit card issuer. Many offer free online access to your credit score and other credit information.

      2. nep*

        I’ve never had a credit card. (If ever there were a case when the credit score would come back N/A, it’d be mine…Or in any case, very poor…Because basically nonexistent.)

  21. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Mine is nearing the end of the season. I have some tomatoes that continue to ripen indoors and I need to plant garlic in a few weeks, but otherwise I am spending my time cleaning it up.

    1. Gaia*

      Oh! I hadn’t thought of growing garlic this time of year.

      My summer garden is mostly over. I have a few plants I just put in for fall/winter. Mostly heather and a silver fern. My garden is in pots on my balcony.

      I’d love ideas on what might grow over fall and winter in Oregon. I really want to keep this going!

      1. Venus*

        Hard neck garlic needs to be frozen in the ground for it to grow well the next year. It has a stick in the middle, unlike most of the garlics you buy at a big grocery store which have little cloves in the middle. Soft neck garlic grows in warm climates.

        I started to plant garlic a couple years ago and love it! It grows quite easily provided you plant it at the right time. Put it in when the nights are cold, but a month or so before the ground gets really cold so it has enough time to grow some roots. Plant by individual clove, which becomes a bulb. Then pick in late summer when half the leaves go brown. And cut off the snape (flower bulb) and cook with it! I think the snape is early July but I know to cut them when they show up at the local market.

        Garlic takes up little room and seems to do well. Highly recommended! With the caveat that the drought this summer meant that the garlic split into two cloves (I have hardneck varieties that usually grow 3-4 cloves, I first bought them from the farmers’ market) so I probably should have watered them more, but I still doubled my total. I’ll eat about half and plant the others. And I think they need well-drained soil, so don’t do well in really wet years, but I think that’s true of everything.

    2. Natalie*

      We’ve started making smoothies a lot, so even though the growing season is mostly over I might be planting the latest crop of spinach ever. I already have the seeds so if nothing comes of it, no matter.

    3. Might be Spam*

      My lonely green pepper finally has some company. It looks like there are 4 or 5 more that have set. They are in pots so I can bring them inside to mature. They are staying outside as long as possible because I’m not sure how they would like being moved inside.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      The tiny shed I ordered finally arrived on Thursday! It’s really more of an outdoor cupboard but it will give me a protected place to stash some garden stuff so it’s out of the house. It’s been too wet and windy to paint it yet.

      I have done another round of cutting down my crazy overgrown hedge. It’s not so much a hedge as a linear collection of shrubs and it has been only minimally trimmed the last few years so it was seriously overdue for a haircut. Parts of it were at least ten feet high! I’ve been cutting it in stages in the hopes that I won’t stop it from flowering next year.

      I have also bought a bunch of random plants on a whim from the supermarket in the last week or two. They might go into the hedge but I realised after I bought them that some of them might spread all over the place so I need to do some more research before I plant them. This is especially true for the passion flower and goji berry. Next year I might be buying some large pots!

      I have quite a bit of lettuce that I need to harvest. There are several radishes and lettuces that bolted so I’m just letting them grow to see what happens. Hopefully the weather will be more pleasant soon as I think I might clean up all the scruffy summer plants and try my luck at winter vegetables. It’s often very mild in my garden so surprising things often survive (I had broccoli that kept growing for 3 years before I finally pulled it up). I want to try transplanting the stunted cabbage into a sunnier spot and see if it grows big enough to be edible.

    5. NeverNicky*

      My plans are pretty much the same as yours Venus – autumn is truly here in the East of England.

      I’ve bought some winter pansies which need planting out (if it stops raining!) and I’m trying winter purslane and winter cress so the first of that needs sowing.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Also at the end of summer. I’m just sitting in it to be honest. All the potted plants are inside. I need to weed and mow and figure out how to cover the newly reopened garden bed so it solarizes the weeds. And pull another stretch of landscaping fabric to get compost on it for spring. But maybe not today, I’m looking at autumn leaves under a blue sky.

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      Iguana update!
      It’s Florida here so we are just getting started. Tomatoes, mint, and basil are growing and the iguanas continue to stay away. Yay! I hope they stay away when the tomatoes flower and fruit.
      The kale I started from seeds are still so tiny and only 2 leaves. These might be the two “real” leaves someone mentioned as the way I will know when to move them from the starter tray to the planting bed but they look too fragile to try to move yet so I am holding off.

    8. Alexandra Lynch*

      We’re cleaning up the yard at this point; Boyfriend has gotten all the dead tree limbs into a pile. We were going to cut them into firewood tonight with the new chainsaw but we apparently got a lemon because the chain keeps coming off the blade. Yes, we retightened it. So tomorrow we’re going to take it back and get a different one, because someone is going to have to chainsaw these to get rid of them, whatever we do with them, and he wants to do it so we might as well.
      I also have some galvanized tubs with dirt in them that the previous owners planted flowers in, and I am going to take out the dead plants and put bulbs in them. That will also enable us to put the tubs in the unheated garage over the winter and keep them safe from the squirrels.

    9. willow for now*

      No garden this year, but I am rejoicing that my new home has a small garden. I already know at least 9 things I will be planting!

    10. Girasol*

      Tomatoes and cukes are still growing outside around here. Full season melons are running way late and just now ripening. All the root crops – beet, carrot, potato, salsify – are still in and the squashes are still on the vine, all waiting to be harvested on the day before first frost warning, which could come anytime now.

  22. Frapperia*

    A cat update you say (no one did)? SURE THING. Photo update: https://imgur.com/a/HYiioVO

    She just turned six months. She’s just been spayed and chipped and is recovering from that at the moment so she can’t go out for a bit and I’m trying not to play with her to help the healing process. She also has somehow picked up an eye issue (either an infection or inflammation, really not sure) so I’m having to give her drops, poor bean. Which in reality means I’m pinning her down on the bed and trying to stop her little liquid body from escaping.

    She is just totally gorgeous. I am so glad I have her. I unfortunately have a horrid neighbour who hates me and by extension her so I’m having to be careful with her outside time to keep her safe, but I am thinking long-term – it’ll be almost impossible to sell where I live in the current time, but I’m working hard to save as much as possible so I can get initially a maisonette and then a house.

    She’s very settled in general and I think we are going to be great friends for the rest of our time together <3

    3. Aphrodite*

      Do not let her out later. She’ll get used to being an inside cat only though it looks as though she is already committed to that lifestyle. But please, keep her inside permanently. People do harm cats, and a neighbor who hates you has maybe even more reason to do so. I would hope not but I also would take no chances. (Anyway, I am a firm believer in indoor-only cats.) Access and a cat tree and plenty of windows with birds outside will provide her entertainment.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I also had indoor-only cats. Most of them lived almost 20 years. I second the indoor-only life.

      3. Anax*

        If she seems bored indoors and fascinated by the outdoors, I really recommend harness training; it’s not nearly as hard as it sounds, and it’s absurdly cute. (Jackson Galaxy has a few good videos online on the subject, for what that’s worth.)

        I know it’s more typical in some places to have your cats go out, but goodness, I couldn’t bear the risk. My parents’ cats would come home injured pretty often when I was growing up, and I couldn’t stand to have mine hurt that way.

        Poor babies have been HATING California fire season, though – they aren’t allowed out on walks or on the patio when the air quality is bad, and they have been SO betrayed this year.

    4. Jackalope*

      My cats have been indoors only since I got them about 10 years ago and they are very happy and well-adjusted.

    5. SpellingBee*

      She’s a cutie for sure! Congratulations on your new furry family member.

      Not sure how you’re putting in her eye drops, but here’s a method you might find useful if you’re not already doing it (a veterinarian friend taught me). Kneel on the floor and put the cat between your knees, facing away from you and making sure you can easily reach her head. Tilt her head back a bit with one hand and bring the dropper to the affected eye from behind her, not from the front. Cats will instinctively back away from anything unpleasant or worrisome that comes at them head-on, so this will avoid that to a certain degree. Also, if she does flinch and pull back, she’s not pulling away from you, but backing more firmly into your hold. With practice you can do it in just a few seconds, with minimal distress to both of you.

      1. I take tea*

        Cat updates are always welcome! It’s funny, despite having two of my own, I can always look at cat pictures.

  23. WellRed*

    I’ve posted about my brother’s recent untimely death. Between the sorrow and the stress and all my stomach is a gurgling acidic mess. I’m hoping some will dissipate naturally once today has passed and maybe once I am able to eat more normally but any suggestions that might help? I had tea and half an English muffin but still gurgling.

    1. nep*

      So sorry for your loss.
      I know ginger is good for nausea. Not sure whether would help the type of upset you’re having. Have you tried ginger? Chew it raw, or find some lozenges or chews. (Others might know whether it helps for stomach upset other than nausea.) May you find relief soon.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        Ginger is fantastic for acid reflux, which may be what this is. I use ginger chews made with real ginger sometimes, and it really calms the acid production down.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Dealing with the root cause (grief) will probably help. But if counselling or some such is out of reach right now, I find gaviscon/pepto bismol the best for acid reflux. And cutting out fatty things for me works too. No alcohol, and low-no caffeine may also help you.
      Try to sleep with the head of bed raised more than the foot end. That means resting it on books or something rather than just having lots of pillows.
      And finally a body scan mindfulness meditation might be helpful.
      I’m so sorry for your loss.

    4. Venus*

      I find that stress causes my stomach to be a mess, and someone suggested a daily tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water because sometimes the problem is a lack of acid. I didn’t think so as I clearly had acid effects, and yet it worked. A very cheap option to try, and I had results within a day or two. On the first day I get burpy for a few hours but it settles down, and I use it for a few days just to make sure it works. My reaction is due to stress, so I don’t normally have problems and I found that antacids did not work for me. (I don’t expect others to try this, but if you have the same issues as me then maybe try it as I was planning for a trip to the doctor and a prescription for serious antacids, when all I needed was $2 of apple cider vinegar)

    5. Not A Manager*

      Have you tried regular OTC antacid tablets? I find that all of the normal drug store brands work about the same.

      I’ve been thinking about you and your family this week. Have you decided on the format for the memorial?

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, when I had heartburn during pregnancy, I used generic store brand version of Tums. It’s basically just calcium carbonate.

    6. Where’s the Orchestra?*

      Will sound very odd but hard, non-sugar coated lemon drops can help with upset stomachs. I can’t remember all of the reason but it has something to do with how the sour tastebuds link to your brain.

      (Can also provide some relief for pregnancy related stomach issues when trying to avoid medication.)

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My sympathies. When stressed, I turn to soup. Most comforting to me are wonton soup, matzoh ball soup, or pho …basically the ones where I can just sip the broth at first, and nibble on the solid pieces after I start to feel hungry again. Eating that way helps keep me hydrated in a time where I forget water. And because I don’t make any of them well, it eventually gives me incentive to get dressed to go e for takeout.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Yes, soup. Try starting out with chicken or beef broth, then work your way up to wonton, chicken and rice, or chicken noodle. Then maybe chicken vegetable and/or beef vegetable. Maybe eat it with toast or saltine crackers. Then maybe work your way up to a stew or shepherd pie, or a pot pie.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I would go with something to coat the stomach like some Pepto.

      This is grief. Some people eat without stopping and some people can’t eat a thing. Even though it goes both ways, it’s still grief symptoms.

      Not everyone would agree and YMMV, but if I can’t get much into me I like a spoonful of honey. That seems to help me feel like I ate something without knocking myself out to get food into me. You could drizzle it on the English muffin. It’s kinda comforting too….

    9. OyHiOh*

      When I was dealing with unexpected loss, small nibbles were best. Half a granola bar here, a hard boiled egg there, a slice of cheese a little later. The nausea/tension/gurgling didn’t really seem affected by particular foods but keeping a little bit going all the time helped. So I’d say to get (or have someone get shop for you/order through a delivery service) a range of snack/nibble items you liked before and try to eat a few mouthfuls of something at least every couple hours.

      May you walk in life.

      It’s hard enough when a death is more or less expected but when it’s sudden/unexpected, death completely sets your world on end, for much longer than you may initially expect.

    10. NoLongerYoung*

      My heart goes out to you (won’t tell you how I know).
      My tips are: 1) make sure you are drinking lots of water (not the sparkling carbonated kind… that actually worsens mine). It thins out (or seems to for me) the acid and the overall hydration helps everything.
      2) crackers. I find that even a few saltines/ regular crackers soaks up some of that churning acid. Don’t go a long time between eating. Or a half a banana, a piece of toast, applesauce. Calm, no-stress foods.
      3) Don’t be afraid to get the right short-term medication to help with the acid if it gets painful. Not a doctor, I just let mine get so bad after my husband’s death that I couldn’t keep down water. Stay in touch with your personal difference between “uncomfortable but healing” and “on my way to a serious ulcer and ER trip.”

      And… understand that this is not unexpected. I have different friends that deal with deep stress in different ways. I have found that my brother’s death was the most impactful of all the losses I’ve had (it was unexpected as well). Ask for help and comfort where you can. It may not seem related to your stomach… but I found it was all related, somehow.
      Sending a virtual hug.

      1. MysteryFan*

        I was feeling similarly after my SO died suddenly. I survived on herbal tea, toast and applesauce for a couple of weeks.

    12. Observer*

      If it’s actually acid reflux, tea may not be your best bet. Black tea is worse than green, which is worse than white, if you need SOMETHING.

      Also, any form of mint is great for most stomach issues but is REALLY bad for reflux. So, unless / until you can deal with the stress, it’s probably a good idea to see if you can get a diagnosis.

  24. Anon for this*

    How do you go about finding a therapist who is right for you? Ordinarily, I check credentials and I ask around. But mental health is somewhat stigmatized and while I am comfortable asking who had a great experience with their GP, I really don’t want to do that for a therapist.

    I am in the US. My GP is great but I have had mixed experiences with the people he has referred me to in the past.

    1. crookedglasses*

      My therapist searches have been a bit different because I wanted to be sure to find somebody who had some awareness of things like polyamory, asexuality, etc. I start from the NCSF list to help account for that. If you do have any particular considerations like that, I’d recommend seeing if any related groups or organizations have therapist lists. Or if you want to make sure you find somebody covered by your insurance, their provider list would be a good starting point. Otherwise, the Psychology Today list seems fairly thorough.

      From there, I spent a lot of time poking around a therapists website. What areas do they list as specialities? How do they talk about their approach to working with clients? You’ll start to get a feel for which therapists present themselves in a way that resonates with you.

      From there, you can usually also schedule a fee 20 minute consultation just to see if you click with them prior to committing to a full session.

      Good luck!

    2. It’s me AV*

      I had a whole series of therapists who were unhelpful in different ways. The one my GP recommended, who supposedly specialized in work stress, offered no feedback over several sessions of me venting and then suggested that I “buy one of those books about managing your boss” !

      What worked for me then was a friend who is herself a therapist suggested someone she knows that she thought would be a good fit. Not everyone has that route available, but if you do know someone in the profession you might not have thought about asking them, since they couldn’t treat you themselves of course.

      When I moved to the US I had to start over, and what I found when looking up local therapists was that you can look up your zip code on Psychology Today and it will show local therapists with a photo, credentials, and description of their therapeutic approach. This was super helpful as it let me get a feeling for the person and whether they seem like they could be a good fit for me, and then from there I looked a few of them up some more and had a phone conversation when making the first appointment to explain what I was looking for. That worked out great and I’ve been with my local therapist for about 3 years.

      Good luck!!

    3. Ms Darcy*

      I’ve used the Psychology Today website. They have a “find a therapist” section which is helpful. The therapists ‘ websites are listed for some more in-depth research. The larger practices in our area have bios on all of their providers as well. Good luck in your search.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had good luck with various referral agencies, such as Planned Parenthood (they do a lot more than the name suggests), community women’s centers, or community or county health departments. I’ve also had good luck with recommendations from my church (I belong to a liberal Christian denomination and I’d be reluctant to get a recommendation from a more conservative church). When you’re asking you don’t have to be specific about just why you’re seeking counseling if you don’t want to. You can initially say something a bit vague like “anxiety” or “depression” and ask for someone you’d be comfortable with. I was asked if I’d be more comfortable working with a male or female therapist.

      After you pick someone, if you don’t feel like you have any connection after 3 or 4 visits, don’t be afraid to say that it isn’t working for you and that you’d like to try working with someone else, and then do that. Don’t give up. Sometimes it takes a few attempts.

    5. Anon therapy seeker*

      To find a therapist years ago, I got referrals from people I knew. But when I needed to find someone more recently, I started with keywords in Google for things that I wanted in a therapist. This may seem pretty out there, and not something I had done before, but it was a good place to start from.

      I knew I wanted someone with clinical psychology credentials, who could relate to my Buddhist perspective, and was trained in a technique that works for me, EMDR. So my keywords were “EMDR” “Buddhist” (or Buddhism), “psychologist” “Ph.D.”, and the specific city. Then with the names that came up, I researched them further through their own websites, Psychology Today listings, etc.

      When I met with the first therapist, it was clear from just once session that they weren’t the right fit for me. But the second person has turned out to be fantastic, an enormous help when I was dealing with depression. Seeing her regularly really helped me get to the other side of that, and I still see her occasionally when I’ve got a particular challenge going on.

    6. B*

      You can google therapist/counselor/social worker and your city. Psychology today’s listings are at a pretty high subscription so you might miss out on well established providers.
      The really important piece is your screening of potentials. You should be able to have a brief phone consult. Think about your goals and what you want therapy to look like. Do you want a really standardized clinical approach? Or more eclectic?
      There are lots of lists of questions to ask potential therapists online.
      https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-in-between/201701/how-interview-your-therapist%3famp

  25. Gaia*

    I wanted to thank everyone that gave advice and support two weeks ago when I talked about learning that my mom hasn’t actually been sober at all (I had been told she had been for 10 years).

    It has been a weird and co.pkex few weeks. I ended up not going on my planned visit to see them. I have talked to her a few times since and just don’t bring it up.

    I’m going to see her in person in a few weeks and I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle that. I feel like a coward for not telling her I know, and like a liar for acting like everything is the same as it was. But I just don’t know what else to do.

    Anyway, thank you all for your support and kindness. It really busy very appreciated.

    1. nep*

      That is impossibly tough.
      Just a note to say, remember to give yourself the same support and kindness you’re appreciating from others; no need to add to your burden by using words like coward or liar about how you are handling or reacting to things. Not picking on you for how you expressed that–Just something I noticed as a read your post.
      This is a crazy tough situation and you’re feeling your way through it.
      Peace

      2. PollyQ*

        Yes, absolutely. You’re allowed to take time to deal with your feelings and figure out how you want to proceed, and there’s nothing cowardly or dishonest about that. No one is owed a constant update on your inner struggles.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Until you sort out what you want to say or do, it’s not cowardly to say nothing. Saying nothing when we are unsure is called “wise”. Please hang on to this thought.

  26. DIY haircut*

    Has anyone found a diy haircut tutorial they like/ looks good on them? I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to a salon yet and it has been 7 months. Looking for a long layered cut. My hair is about 7 inches below the shoulders. Thanks

    1. Venus*

      Are you cutting your own hair or have someone to help you? This is critical as I tried cutting my own and it is almost impossible at many angles of the head!

    2. Queer Earthling*

      I used to cut my own hair (now my spouse does it–they’re a former professional) and I always had good results by turning my head upside down, twisting all my hair in one direction and snipping the ends, then twisting in the other direction and snipping a bit. It gave some slight layers (because the twisting makes the strands different lengths) and looked really nice. I did this for a few years, up until I stopped wearing my hair long.

    3. Stephanie*

      When my hair was long, I would sometimes do a trim myself. Here’s how: bend at the waist and gather your hair into a ponytail at the top of your head, using just your hands–no elastic. Then stand up, while holding your hair. Twist the ponytail tightly, hold it straight up, and trim a bit–an inch or so–off the end. Don’t try to take too much off, it will make the layers really wonky. This only really works well if you’re just looking for a trim and a refresh of the layers, not for a more drastic change.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I’ve done this for myself and for my daughter. If you search for “unicorn haircut” you should get lots of options. There are different layering effects depending on where you gather the ponytail.

        I also watched a couple of YouTube videos by a professional stylist who showed how to do a layered cut, but he was using a dummy head. It’s been a while so I don’t recall his name but his videos came up through DIY haircut searches. It wasn’t too hard to modify for cutting my own hair with the same techniques but I’ve been cutting my own hair for years and I’m not fussed if it doesn’t turn out perfectly (if I do it, that is, I hated paying $60 or whatever just to end up a little disappointed with the salon result).

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll check with my daughter for the link she followed and put it in a reply. It came out good for her hair (semi-straight, and a thick mop of fine strands).

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Well, she surprised me again– turns out, she just winged it and did it herself. She parted it down the middle, brought one piece around to each side, and cut it until it looked straight. All the shape is from the distance around her head to where she was holding it.

    5. RagingADHD*

      The Sam Vila channel on YouTube has a lot of helpful tutes. They’re directed at stylists, so it’s a bit different doing it on yourself. But it helps to understand the way the haircut works & the basic steps.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I had good luck this summer with quarantine hair cuts. My hair is medium long — bra band length. The cut I went with was the pigtail cut from Manes by Mell on YouTube. I have a ton of hair, and thought the pigtails would be easier to cut than the unicorn method. There is no way I could neatly cut through all my hair in one fat ponytail.

      The first time I tried to create even pigtails I almost gave up in frustration but after a couple of tries I got the hang of it. I placed the pigtails much higher on my head than she did, because I wanted more layers. I did it over several sessions, cutting 1/2–1″ each time, playing it safe. Later I riffed on the pigtail cut by dividing my hair in 4 pigtails, evenly spaced around my head near the top. It was even easier to cut this way and looked great. It’s still not quite enough layers for me, but better safe than sorry. (I’ve already cut off 3-4 inches.)

      1. Summersun*

        I tried this cut also and got AWFUL results. Instead of smooth layers, my hair looks like a series of stair steps–big chunks of different lengths that don’t blend. I’m getting it fixed professionally this week, it was that bad.

        1. Filosofickle*

          This is what freaked me out about cutting my hair! You can see, with video evidence, how one person ends up with a great cut and another a terrible cut using the same method. And it’s hard to figure out exactly why the difference.

    8. Trixie*

      A favorite YouTube channel, Pick Up Limes, has a video titled How I Cut & Layer My Hair at Home. She has pretty long hair and must have been getting a number of questions on it. Sounds like she was cutting her own hair for years and learn her favorite tips/tricks along the way.

  27. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    How much impact does a Brita (type) pitcher have on the actual taste of water? Our tap water is perfectly safe and to me tastes like the city water I’m used to, but the taste is off putting to someone in my house who grew up on different water (well, I think, but I’m not sure), and we’re not really wanting to spend money on a filtered pitcher if it won’t make any difference in the taste.

    1. Runaway Shinobi*

      We have very hard water so had to constantly descale our kettle. We started using a Brita filter jug for water for the kettle and now only need to descale it once a year. Plus none of that unpleasant film on tea. But it hasn’t made much difference to the taste (which is fine).

    2. NapkinThief*

      We have a Zero Water pitcher and we LOVE it. My husband is notoriously picky about his water, but even he commented on how crisp it tastes! Never thought I would get him to drink anything coming out of a tap. And we save so much money (& plastic) by not getting gallons of water every week.

    3. Squidhead*

      I felt like it helped take the chlorine taste out of city water. We changed the filter every 2 months which didn’t seem terrible but we eventually put in a tap with an in-line filter on the cold water line. It claims it’s good for 10000 gallons (vs 40 for a Brita filter cartridge) and it cost about $100. Plus, no more pitcher on the counter! I think both methods do affect the taste of the water. However, if your person is used to having *more* taste in their well water, not less, then this might not be the fix you need!

    4. RC Rascal*

      Brita can make a huge difference if you have bad water. I used to have a tap filter when I lived in a place where the water was so bad it made ice cubes that changed the taste of Coca Cola.

    5. Not A Manager*

      You could purchase one from a store with a good return policy. Bed Bath and Beyond used to allow liberal returns even if you’d opened and tried a product. Amazon is very good about returns if a product doesn’t work as you’d like, but IDK how you feel about Amazon. Costco allows returns up to a year after purchase, no questions asked.

    6. ThatGirl*

      We use a Brita and I can taste the difference. I don’t mind our tap water but it tastes better filtered, to me. That said, well water has a strong taste and a filter won’t make it taste more like that :)

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      The pitchers are trying to remove minerals, chlorine, etc. If the person in your household actually prefers more minerals, it’s not going to help and will make it worse.

    8. Generic Name*

      I’d try to find out what the difference is between the two water sources, if you can. Like is it well water vs city water? Then it’s probably the taste of chlorine they isn’t like, and a pitcher filter will absolutely help with that. If it’s because the geology of the regions you grew up in is different, that might be a bit harder. Are you in a place where the water tastes different depending on the time of year? If so, a pitcher might help with that issue as well. (Seasonal differences in water often have to do with harmless but smelly Cyanobacteria blooms that happen in the spring, for example)

    9. Helvetica*

      I live in an area with hard water and my workplace has a Brita pitcher but I don’t have one at home. The tap water doesn’t have a taste on its own – and I’m quite sensitive to water tastes – but oddly enough, I find the filtered water to be too…soft? It’s weird to explain but I can taste how soft the water is and for me, it kind of makes it dull and not as refreshing as just getting water from the tap.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      As it turns out, he couldn’t explain the difference to me, so I took a chance and he says the filtered water is a great improvement and will work fine, so whatever it was, it seems to be working. :)

    11. Wishing You Well*

      I strongly recommend filtering your tap water regardless of taste. I have a PUR filter on my faucet for convenience. We used to have a Brita pitcher but it was more hassle than the faucet filter. I have big city water. The allowable, acceptable amount of bacteria and chemicals is high. People with certain health issues really need to filter their drinking water but I recommend everyone filter their drinking water for, at the minimum, bacteria, lead and chlorine.
      Good Health, Everyone.

    12. Summersun*

      Our water reeked of chlorine, and we were blowing through Brita filters like crazy. We got an in-line whole house filter that fixed the chlorine smell, which made showering/bathing more pleasant and stopping beating my clothing to hell in the washing machine. I still won’t drink it, though; it tastes like dirt. Take a big deep whiff of wet potting soil–that’s what my water tastes like.

  28. nep*

    Anyone read Flights by Olga Tokarczuk? (Translated by Jennifer Croft.)
    I’m loving the writing. It’s one of those books, though, where I feel as if I’m missing something everyone else gets…or maybe not…
    Still enjoying it.
    As I often do, I’ll look up reviews and discussions about it after I finish.

    1. VirtualLight*

      I read Flights! I read and enjoyed her book “Drive Your Plough Over the Bones of the Dead,” which had a much more linear narrative and a protagonist I enjoyed. (Animal lovers and people who enjoy feisty independent ladies, that book is for you.) Flights was a little harder to get through. I think there may be stuff there to “get” if you want to get into interpreting how the parts go together – I decided to just enjoy it for the prose.

  29. Anon for this*

    Does anyone have reccomendations or contacts for home health care for a terminal person in the Golden CO area? Would almost prefer to find a personal contact rather than an agency so there is more ability to select and interview the candidate- but will need someone in the next few days.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      contact the local Area Agency on Aging. They should have some names of companies, etc. And the hospital social worker/whatever might have some good suggestions.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yep. Golden is in Jefferson County, so if you google Jeffco (as it’s locally called. There’s also a Jefferson county in Georgia, so make sure it’s the correct state. The area codes should be 303 or 720, or maybe 719) Office in Aging, that should connect your with local resources.

    3. Where’s the Orchestra?*

      Check with Agency on Aging (or for anything similarly named in the area), they generally have lots of resources for all things to do with getting older. Also, if the family you’re helping has a primary care doctor, many of those will have Geriatric Resources.
      Google can also be a friend. Geriatric care resources is probably where I’d start.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Hire from an agency! Don’t hire an individual unless you’re an expert in background checks. My family’s experiences with un-vetted home health care people would curl your hair!

      1. Anono-me*

        I second the recommendation to hire from a service. Many year ago I worked in a group home and saw many of my about to be fired for cause coworkers pivot to private hire for private home care.

    5. Gaia*

      Is this person over 50? If so, maybe contact the local Area Agency on Aging. They exist to help with these situations and have so many resources.

  30. AM*

    I posted this last Sunday, but was too late for many to see it. Has anyone else bought a house and soon regretted it? I bought just before covid struck, last November. I was traveling for work immediately after purchase, and had a contractor do ~50K of renovations before I moved in, mostly to the kitchen and master bath. Now that I am living in the house full time, I just hate it. Parking has become a nightmare for me. I don’t have the option to telecommute (I work at a hospital, and am frequently on nights) and a lot of people work from home and rarely move their cars (street parking only; no way to add a driveway/pad). It’s a downtown neighborhood, and crime rates have increased the last few months. I sometimes have to park several blocks from my house and walk home late at night, and don’t feel totally safe. I don’t even feel that safe walking my dog in the mornings.

    I am aware I should really have held out for a house with off-street parking when buying a house, and will do that next time. I have looked around for parking spots I could rent from people with off-street parking, but haven’t found anything closer than several blocks away.

    Is it totally ridiculous to put the house on the market for these reasons, especially after doing so much work to it after purchase? I feel like a moron for buying a house I don’t see myself living in for very long, but it is crazy to me how much covid has changed the neighborhood. I have no clue what the future will bring real estate market wise- right now, houses in my neighborhood seem to be selling quickly (very much a seller’s market, despite the issues I’ve mentioned above). I would love any advice or if you could share your stories if I’m not the only one who has made a giant mistake like this.

    1. Dani*

      Should be easier to sell the house with the renovations but I don’t know if you can get the 50K + original sale price for it. Good luck.

      1. AM*

        Not only that, but the closing/realtor fees are what really makes it unlikely I would even break even. :-( 6% just on realtor fees is so high.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Speak to the realtors that you used for the original purchase, buyer’s and seller’s if they were different. Realtors negotiate their commission all the time, and if these guys just cashed in on the sale six months ago they might be very willing to cut you a deal in order to cash in again.

          1. bunniferous*

            This. Everything is negotiable. And this is very much a seller’s market in my area so you should be able to find someone willing to take you up on that, with the caveat that you will want the commission split for whoever brings you a buyer to be around what other sellers are willing to pay.

            Bear in mind tho that there are tax issues involved in selling a house you have not lived in that long. Basically what this would be is an (unintended) flip. I remember just enough from real estate school to know it is possible taxes could hit you pretty hard. But please do confirm that for yourself with a professional.

                1. Former Usher*

                  I’m not a tax professional, but I believe that the cost of the renovations should add to the tax basis as well, reducing or eliminating any profit to be taxed.

      1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        I concur. While the numbers may look bad initially, you don’t get enough time in this world to spend it miserably, and the sooner you get into a house you’re happy with, the sooner the numbers in that house will start to look good.

    3. Book Lover*

      I would sell if it is still a seller’s market. You don’t know when that will change and when you might end up with a house you can’t sell or underwater. Things are uncertain now and a home you love is important. Maybe plan to rent for a while…

    4. Sandy*

      Hold on to the house for now, rent it out, and rent a place that you like. You’ll lose too much on the place if you sell it now, at least let it build equity for a bit.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Definitely talk to a few realtors, including the one(s) involved in your purchase. They should all do a market analysis, so you will have an idea what the house could bring in it’s current condition. Then discuss their fees and see what you can work out (have in your mind what you would be willing to pay put of pocket to sell it if it comes to that and run the numbers). Personally I would not try to rent because I don’t want to be a landlord, vet renters, etc. and because you should have significant savings in case the tenant doesn’t pay.

    6. Stephanie*

      We bought a much bigger house, with a much bigger yard in 2003. It was a stretch, financially, but we figured that we would be able to grow into it. And things just didn’t go that way. I honestly regretted it shortly after we moved in. We wanted to do lots of work to make it into the house we wanted it to be, but we could never get any equity out of it to do so. We stayed for 16 years, for lots of reasons (kids in school, depressed market, inertia, etc). I ended up absolutely hating that house. We were always broke (because of the initial financial stretch, that become a permanent state of being), the house was just never “right”, and it was a ton of work just to maintain the house and yard because of the size.
      We finally sold it last year and downsized to a house we both absolutely love. I wish we had never bought that previous house, but there’s no going back in time.

      I would, if I were you, contact your real estate agent from your purchase (if you liked working with her), and ask some questions–get the current market value of your house, ask what costs would be, find out prices for where you want to buy (if you choose to do so). Figure out if there is a certain amount of cost you’re willing to eat to get out.
      The work you’ve had done may very well give you enough equity that it is doable, financially. And the one thing you cannot change about your home is the location, so if you hate it now, it probably wont get any better in the future.

      And, if makes you feel any better, my husband and I are now living in our fourth house together, in 24 years. It’s not crazy or stupid to buy a house that is not your “forever house”. If the market is good right now, it’s smart to at least look into the particulars if you even think you want to sell. Good luck!

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Can you rent it out? I’d sell if you can. Parking is the biggest reason I’m trying to leave except our house is a broken mess and we can’t afford/don’t want to do repairs. I can’t even leave my home after 3 pm because I can’t find parking. When my neighbor has a party? I can’t leave period. Going out at night is a never now. I feel hostage in my home.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Also when we were looking, we learned quickly that homes advertised as “commuters dream” were code for no/difficult parking. And that may work for a lot of people who don’t drive and don’t need a parking space.

    8. chopsticks*

      We bought and sold two homes in three years. We liked the first (town)home ok, but because of some street noise we wanted to upgrade to a quieter and larger home. I regretted the second home almost instantly – mostly because it was more of a stretch financially than I wanted, but there were also things about the home I just didn’t like. I don’t think we would have moved again so quickly, but I took a job that would have been a 3-hour commute/day and we decided to sell. Selling the first home we put it on the market right as there was a slump and it ended up sitting empty for almost 6 months before we sold it. For the second home we put it on the market right as the pandemic hit and some major infrastructure problem that made commuting access to our neighborhood difficult. Luckily, the couple that bought our home were already local and wanted to stay in the neighborhood. We used the same realtor for both sales and both purchases and he charged as 1.5% for the sales. Both times we were able to get a little bit more than what we paid originally but we probably still lost out a bit in the end. For a long time I’d just wished we’d stayed in the first home, but c’est la vie.

      We just went into contract on what we are hoping is our home until at least retirement (assuming no major job change in the next 10-15 years), and I can say that at least we were smarter this time about what we wanted, and really took our time waiting to find the right home. I think Stephanie has great advice – talk to your realtor (if you liked her and want to work with her again), determine what you might sell for and what your losses are likely to be, and then decide if you’re ok with that. I would be very inclined to sell and not rent it out given the concerns you already have with the neighborhood.

    9. ampersand*

      I understand! I don’t quite regret the house we bought a few years ago and still live in (we love the area; it was a tradeoff), but we realized almost immediately it was too small for us. You’d think 1500 square would be sufficient; turns out the layout is weird enough that it makes some space unusable and we feel cramped. Assuming things go as planned, we want to move to a larger house next year.

      Definitely don’t beat yourself up over this–I’ve always thought there should be a trial period before you buy where you get to live in the house for this exact reason! You don’t know what will drive you crazy until you’re living there. If the parking situation is detracting from your quality of life on a daily basis and you have the option to sell and it makes sense for you, do it. Now you know that parking is non-negotiable. That’s good info to have for the next place you live.

    10. Lives in a Shoe*

      As someone who has bought and sold approximately 8 houses in 30 years, with a few apartment stints, hating a house takes a lot of energy.

      I am currently sitting in a house which is completely renovated – by me while living in it – with minimal furniture left and tons of boxes and bubble wrap. I bought this house because it was all I could afford after the divorce. For almost 5 years now I have longed to get back to where I really want to live. I finally figured it was close enough to being done that I can push through and get it on the market.

      If it doesn’t sell, I will stay, but I would be very sad. I’m willing to take a risk, and rent for a while, in order to live where I want. So not exactly your situation, in the sense that I haven’t just bought it, but regret is a real thing. If I could have gotten out of it immediately and rented, if I had known what my life was going to be like for the last four years, it would’ve been smart. Listen to your heart.

      1. Former Usher*

        I have to agree that “hating a house takes a lot of energy.” We’ve been in our current house 12 years, and I’ve wanted to move almost right away. We overpaid for it and have had to keep sinking money into it, both of which make it hard to be able to move.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      You’re not crazy. If you’re not happy there, or don’t feel safe there, sell it!

      Owning a home is a pretty big responsibility actually. Homes require a lot of maintenance, yard work, and all sorts of things you don’t think about when you want to become a homeowner.

  31. Anono-me*

    Does anyone know of hair donation places that take healthy hair that is about 6 in long and color treated?

    I’ve been growing my hair out and it’s way too long and getting on my nerves.

    In the past, I donated through a salon and the Stylist that I went to said the organization they worked with was a hybrid model that either used donated hair for kids who needed wigs or made and sold wigs to adults for funds to make the kids wigs. So that organization would take much shorter hair and color treated hair. Unfortunately I can’t ask that salon right now.

    2. SSO Woes*

      I know Pantene had a program but stopped taking donations in 2018 because they had enough to meet their demand through 2022. I think places are stricter on requirements (I think most require 10-12) because there is more hair than needed to meet the demand. When I was looking into donating, Locks of Love’s message was “we’d rather you donate money than hair.”

      My point is, if your long hair is driving you crazy, you can cut it and throw it away without guilt.

    3. Summersun*

      Everything I’ve looked at requires virgin hair. They don’t want color-treated hair because they dye it all to match, and pre-dyed gives unpredictable results.

    4. allathian*

      Hair is the most efficient material for soaking up oil spills. Some salons recycle their waste hair this way. I’m not sure if they’d take hair that you’ve cut yourself, though…

      1. Anonymato*

        I have done the oil spill hair donation – Matter of Trust is the organization I used (Clean Wave Program). My hair wasn’t long enough for some of the other donations. They have easy instructions on how to cut it and ship it – I cut it at home.

  32. Zoom Help, Please!*

    Good morning all! I want to set up a Zoom randomly recurring meeting to chat with family and friends. I scheduled a meeting and marked it Recurring, No Fixed Time. I entered a date and time for the first meeting, but what about subsequent meetings? Do I use the same link, or do I need to tell Zoom when I’m scheduling later meetings? I’m confused! Many thanks to the hive mind for your help.

    1. Esmeralda*

      I can re-use a link multiple times and any day/time from a meeting that was at a specific day/time. However, that’s not the free zoom, so YMMV.

  33. Squidhead*

    In addition to your SSN, these sites will require you to “prove” your identity by asking several questions drawn from your credit info. Examples: have you ever lived in a) Grinnell, IA ) Waco, TX c) Boston, MA d) none of the above. Or: Indicate monthly payment of your automobile loan through Ford motors a) $180 to $210 b) $211 to $240 c) $241 to $280 d) I don’t have a loan through Ford motors. So you might need some info at your fingertips to finish the login process (I can never remember how much our mortgage payment is exactly!). My college address (20 years ago now) has shown up in these questions, which, since it was a mailbox in the student center and we didn’t really use the “street address” of the building, was a little confusing!

    3. JKP*

      I’ve always wondered if there’s a way to remove any of these questions from the rotation. Many times I’m not able to prove my identity and get my credit report because 9/10 they ask me a question about an ex-SIL no one in the family has had contact with in 20+ years, so when I can’t answer anything about her, I’m denied my credit report. I don’t know why these bureaus keep linking her to me and asking me about her.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        It’s called KBA (knowledge based authentication). This means somewhere, associated with your social security/ rental history (and possibly records you can’t see….) there are deep history records. Auto loans, supposed family members, etc. In my case, too, about someone no longer relevant but whose record for things like vehicles is blended. (but not where “I” can see it when I pull my credit reports).

  34. Book Lover*

    Hi! I have some stories from a family member for my kids that I would like to be printed as a book. I tried making it work with Shutterfly but it just isn’t made for text books (or I just didn’t understand how to do it) and it was taking me forever and not workable.

    I would like just one to two copies, it doesn’t have to be hard copy and would be very short.

    Thank you for any ideas. As a fall back I will just put them in a folder, printed out, but I want something more special than that.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      You want one of the self publishing companies. I’ve used Lulu before and have no complaint, but there are a lot of places that print your books for you nowadays with the rise of self publishing. I think I picked out Lulu because it was the cheapest for our needs (novel length, text only, soft cover) at the time. Most of the places have cost calculators so you can see what you’d be paying, but I’d guess between $5 and $20 each, depending on how fancy you want it.

      This is definitely doable! And I think the cheaper options are probably actually less expensive than that much paper and ink + a folder.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        The world is never so bright, so clear, so full of light and color, as it is right after I finally remember to clean my glasses.

    3. curly sue*

      I mentioned this in a thread higher up, but I’ve had good luck with Draft 2 Digital with translating Word files to epub / ebook formats. They’re free if you’re not trying to sell the books; you can just put the file through the conversion process and download the result.

    4. Telgar*

      Some copyshops do simple bindings. Or you could do it yourself, it’s not hard and you can find instructions on the internet. And of course there are always regular bookbinding companies, though that will be a little more expensive, but they do single books or very small editions.

    5. Maseca*

      Late reply here, but I’ve found Snapfish much, much more user-friendly and flexible than Shutterfly for custom books. Most of what I’ve made there has been photo-centric, but their layouts will let you convert whole pages to text, resize photos and text boxes on pages with both types of elements, etc. The experience is much closer to using simple design software like Powerpoint. I’ve made several commemorative books to showcase old family photos and biographies/stories for relatives’ milestone birthdays or memorial services. And best of all, Snapfish always has promo codes and sales, so stuff is often as much as 60% off.

  35. Dwight Schrute*

    Alright everyone I need some cleaning tips! I got a free leather couch this weekend, but it smells like dog. How can I clean it and get the smell out? I’ve tried vinegar spray and leather cleaner already. Any solid ways to get the smell out?

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        I hope not! It’s super comfy and a recliner. I’m hoping that with time it fades or with repeated cleaning. It does smell better after my cleaning yesterday but I can still smell it a little

    2. Ali G*

      Leather doesn’t typically hold odor. The problem is probably the cushions themselves. Try taking the cushions out of the covers and spraying them with vinegar and air out for a few days.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        I don’t think they come out, it’s like one piece from what I can tell. But good to know it doesn’t typically hold odors! Thanks!

    3. Gia*

      Vinegar mixed with linseed oil, buff it on and leave for 20 minutes, then buff off duty clean dry cloth. Repeat multiple times until the odour is completely gone.

      Or saddle soap!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This is weather dependent, but do you have anyplace you could leave it outside in the sun for a couple days?

    5. Stephanie*

      Maybe try sprinkling liberally with baking soda and let it sit for a while, then vacuum.
      Or saddle soap.
      If it smells better after the first cleaning, I think it’s likely that it will get better and better after repeated cleanings.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Remember to vacuum and clean under the chair and inside the recliner flaps. Pet fur gets everywhere. If the chair has legs that would have let a pet sleep underneath, consider removing the fabric on the underside of the chair, where a pet’s back would have pressed.

    6. JobHunter*

      Vacuum all of the crevices as thoroughly as you can to get the dog hair and dander out of the innards of the couch. The hair holds odor surprisingly well.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Another thought, try looking at enzyme cleaners. They’re very specific so read what they break down. Urine compounds are the most common, but I’m told there are ones for dander. I’d be curious to hear results.
        (Why am I posting at 4am? Hello fall allergy season!)

  36. Great British Bake Off*

    Anyone watching the new season? It’s just started on Channel 4 in the UK, and I heard it’s been shown on Netflix in the US at almost the same pace?

    It’s a bit of a weird one this time, since everyone had to quarantine together (7 weeks to film the whole series) plus there was a new host. Won’t give anything away here in case people want to avoid spoilers, so keeping those in comments.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Re Great British Bakeoff: Yep, I just caught the first new episode on Netflix. Was impressed that they managed to get the entire cast and crew to “bubble” together for nearly two months – but it does allow them to go about the normal in-the-tent business without masks or distancing. (I do miss Sandi, but Matt Lucas has a certain charm – though he hasn’t broken out into a chorus of “Master of the House” yet, and I rather hoped he would!)

      The previous season was one of my favorites; I loved the variety of contestants, especially adorable young tie-wearing Henry, and some of the challenges were just amazing.

      1. Ron McDon*

        I wondered if they really were staying together in a bubble for that length of time? I think each episode is filmed over a weekend usually, so that would be 2 months of weekends, but surely if they’re all staying in a bubble together they would accelerate the filming, and film an episode every few days? I don’t know, it just sounded unlikely when I heard that.

        Loved the first episode – my 15yo son laughed his socks off at the Boris Johnson impression at the start. I felt sorry for the woman who knocked the man’s cakes over, she was distraught!

        I thought the first challenges were quite difficult for the first week – battenburg used to be something they’d attempt halfway through the competition because it’s so tricky, and making a bust out of cake?! Really difficult.

        Looking forward to watching the series though.

        1. GoryDetails*

          They really do/did [is it still filming?] all shelter in place for the duration, or so I’ve read; the time may include lead-in quarantine, plus down time between episodes for them to practice the next bakes. In the first episode some of them did talk about the challenges of leaving their families for that long. I imagine it really ramps up the stress, though. [I don’t know if the people who get eliminated have to stay on for the duration to avoid giving things away, or if they can go home right away.]

        2. Great British Bake Off*

          I was following the tag on Twitter, and it was disheartening to find how many people were practically creaming themselves in the excitement of accusing her of sabotage (and faking being upset afterwards), and then again with shouting ‘karma!’ when her showstopper tipped over. I hope she avoided social media during that episode.

        3. Bagpuss*

          Yes, they did it in one block so presumably the episodes were less than a week apart- I think it was around 7 weeks in total , as they really wanted to make it as much like normal as possible- Hollywood Handshakes and all.

      2. Great British Bake Off*

        Can’t say I’m a huge fan of Matt Lucas. Nothing against him, but I find he has a tendency to make everything about himself, liking drawing out the first ‘…bake!’ joke longer than it needed to be.

    3. bassclefchick*

      I loved it! Not really sure about that showstopper challenge though. I would not be able to do that! I’m just wondering how they’re able to concentrate on their bakes when they have a Doctor Who cast member RIGHT THERE!!!

      1. Lemon Curdle*

        To be honest, that’s not what he’s seen as here. I’d say people know him more for Little Britain which was… not good.

      1. ampersand*

        Yes!! We watched it last night and omg the showstopper was unintentionally hilarious. All ended well though. :)

  37. Buggy Crispino*

    It sounds simple, but how do you stop collecting something? I’ve got a small to medium sized collection of retro telephones, and it’s time to stop. But I keep seeing One More Thing that’s different. The “I don’t need it” argument doesn’t work because as a collection I don’t NEED any of them. How do you convince yourself to just stop?

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        Ha ha, Dwight, I think your boyfriend and I might be too alike. But I’m afraid if I collect something else, I would just run into the same kind of addiction there.

    2. Lemon Curdle*

      Maybe you need to do something else with the thing other than buy it? Take a photo, pin it on Pinterest, add it to a Trello board, whatever works for you? That way you get your ‘found thing – do x with thing’ fix without buying it?

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        This is an interesting thought, and kind of falls into the same line of thought that commenter Still mentions below; find a way to kind of finalize what I physically have and move into a different medium that continues that same interest.

    3. Still*

      Just a guess, because I’m not a collector myself, but what if you did a really nice, final photoshoot of your collection? Something that would both feel like a celebration and a wrap-up, and make it annoying to add new items, because then they wouldn’t be included in the photos and throw everything off-balance?

    4. Muriel Heslop*

      Start giving your collection away. Then you don’t have a collection anymore! That is the only thing that worked for my mom, and she enjoyed giving people things they had admired of her after editing her collection to her most special and treasured pieces.

      Your collection sounds cool!

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        If I buy anything else, I would certainly have to start giving things away. I do still love the things I have, and not ready to part with them yet.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I feel you – I have eight vintage Apple computers (1983 to 2008) on display in my home office. For me, it’s a combination of “there’s only one more style that I actually want” (the G4 Cube, sigh) and “I don’t have anywhere left to put any more of them anyway.”

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        I started with a specific item (a “Lucy Phone” the phone Lucy and Ricky had on I Love Lucy) and kind of followed Western Electric’s progression of the changes to the model. Like you, there’s one more that I want, but I keep finding other interesting things along the way.

    6. Llama face!*

      Would it help to do a one in, one out rule? That’s what I had to do with tea mugs since my kitchen storage is limited. And since I love the ones I already have I convince myself out of buying more because then I’d lose a current fave.

    7. PollyQ*

      Can you recast the internal discussion away from “I need it, but I shouldn’t get it” and towards “I want it, but I want the space it would take up more.” Or in other words, you’re making an affirmative choice about how you want to spend your money and the cubic feet of your home, rather than negatively shutting yourself down.

      (Does this make any sense? I feel like I’m not expressing myself well, so let me know if you want clarification.)

    8. OyHiOh*

      At the point where I know I need to stop gathering, I start a “one in/one out” policy. If I find something that different or interesting that I want to represent, then I need to be willing to part with one I already have. This takes will and discipline and probably doesn’t work for most collectors but it’s worked pretty well for me.

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        That’s something I will try. And I think maybe it would help me to know it’s going to another collector who would really appreciate it rather than just sending pieces to Goodwill or thrift shop, etc.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Tapping the same idea, what helped me was to think of getting rid of any two items in order to bring home any new item. Two items are even more work. My impulse buying went way down as the rule applied to everything I bought.

          Another cool thing you can do is make yourself dust it on a regular basis. This cures many purchases also.

          Definitely stay out of areas where you see phones for sale.

          Last, consider limiting yourself to a specific time period, for example x year to y year. My friend was into steam locomotives. So he limited his models to the last of the US locos that came out around the end of WWII. There was still plenty to buy up even with that narrow a window. I got into depression glass and I limited myself to specific patterns and colors. I found that the limitation actually increased my enjoyment of collecting.

    9. KR*

      I take pictures! Then I have a picture of it, take a minute to really enjoy looking at it and admire it, and then keep the picture so I can look at it any time. There’s a bunch of pictures of random things on my phone but I didn’t buy most of the things I took pictures of.

    10. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      If it gives you joy, does not hurt you financially, then continue. I have a minor hobby and store my goodies in banana boxes in the cellar. If I see something I like and it’s in my price range, I usually go for it. I don’t drink, have a motorcycle or go to casino’s or strip clubs. This is my joy.

    11. Piano Girl*

      My husband collected comic books from when he was a child to several years into our marriage. He finally stopped because he felt they were no longer true to the original characters. He still loves the characters (he is currently watching a Marvel movie as I type this). Unfortunately, he now has sixteen boxes of comic books, and refuses to do anything about them. They are disorganized, and I know there is a lot of junk mixed in with collector’s items. I’m worried that I will be stuck having to deal with this after he’s gone. Perhaps when you think about your collection, keep in mind someone will have to deal with it after you’re gone.

      1. Everdene*

        Oh Piano Girl! I understand! My husband is the same. After a decade on our current home he has sold maybe 2000 of the comics he loves the least. He has also bought a 4 drawer filing cabinet to keep safe the ones he loves the most. However there are still at least a dozen paper boxes filled with comics in the ‘maybe’ pile. At least his are organised. One weekend we sat down and created a spreadsheet for insurance and selling purposes. It helped identify duplicates and started off the ‘to be sold’ pile without too much pain. He stopped buying new more 6 or 7 years ago, for which I am grateful, but occasionally an ebay find is needed to complete a story.

    12. Workerbee*

      Just speaking from experience, maybe it’s okay to keep collecting until you truly feel/realize one day that you are full up, emotionally or spiritually speaking, with that particular item. I’ve gone through collecting phases and each time I first dimly, then strongly recognized I was resolving some kind of gap, or loss, or longing that I had.

      Over time, I felt satiated and was able to stop collecting X item, also realizing that most of all of X item was subsiding in a box and out of sight. Then it became time to either pick out the most cherished and let the rest go, or let all of it go, with loving acknowledgement of its service and good vibes for it to bring joy anew to someone else. Or, of course, bring it out, appreciate it, and be content until the decision changes.

      For that’s one thing I had to consciously give myself: That I didn’t need to let anyone else’s schedule or expectations govern my needs. Pressure growing up to get rid of things, societal dictation of what makes for optimal living, etc. Bah! I would feel much better not having to make a decision before I was truly ready AND help recognize and manage the next cycle better and better.

      Also, I’ve honed my organizing skills over the years so things weren’t smushed or falling on my head. :)

    14. Girasol*

      I donated my whole collection to a museum that could use it. That seemed to give me the closure I needed to resist buying the next great new find.

  38. ThatGirl*

    Dog update:
    He’s still driving us crazy. This morning he started whining at 1:30 am. It seems like he’s anxious or distressed but we just don’t know what to do to help. Nothing seems to work. I did buy a thunder shirt and it seems to chill him out during the day, but isn’t helping at night. So, I think it’s time to ask the vet again.

    (And for the record, I only mentioned the water spritzing last time as something we’d tried that wasn’t working. I still don’t think it’s that mean, but it doesn’t matter since it didn’t help.)

      1. ThatGirl*

        What other info do you need? He’s about 9 years old, a rescue, Maltese-poodle mix, we’ve had him for 6+ years and he’s always slept through the night beautifully before now. But it’s been a rough year and his anxiety levels seem high. The very early morning whining started a few weeks ago. Same crate and bedding he’s always had. If we put his crate in the hall he just fusses and whines even more. If we take him out to pee he does, but keeps whining once he’s back in the crate. If we leave him out if the crate he won’t settle anywhere for awhile or stay on the bed.

        1. Generic Name*

          I was going to say it’s not unusual for a dog to have to pee in the middle of the night, especially as they get older. Our pup, who’s almost 2, sometimes needs to be let out in the middle of the night, but she always settles back down when we bring her back in. Maybe he’s in pain? I agree that it’s time to get stuff checked out with the vet.

        2. Dwight Schrute*

          Hmm I’m wondering if he can hear something you can’t hear that’s upsetting him. You’ve done a vet check right? You could try giving him a kong or lickimat after the middle of the night pee to see if he will settle and go back to sleep too.

          1. ThatGirl*

            He had a checkup in August, and labs run in July after a seizure. His eyes seem fine and he’s pretty healthy. It’s possible he’s in some pain or discomfort, but he doesn’t show it during the day at all,

        3. RC Rascal*

          Has the vet checked his vision? I had a cat that started crying at night. Turned out he was going blind. Installed night lights around the house and it solved the problem.

        4. ...*

          Have you checked his ears? could he have an ear infection? This causes excessive whining for my dog until we get treatment

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If it is happening at the same time every night, he may be hearing something you are not. When my mother was first starting to lose her hearing, the dog “started going crazy”…turns out dog heard the smoke detector’s low-battery beep and she didn’t.
      If you are in an apartment, it could also be as simple and unavoidable as a neighbor who is working an early morning shift, or who’s caring for a baby.
      If you are working from home or have a phone with audible notifications, try turning them off before bedtime, even if they’re tiny bongs through headphones.

      1. ThatGirl*

        While it’s typically around the same time, it’s not always – last night it was 1 am. We live in a townhome (end unit, walls are concrete) and silence our phones at night. And we’d hear the smoke detector. But I do appreciate the ideas.

        1. Stephanie*

          My sister once had something similar happen with her dog, and it was the smoke detector warning beep. It was going off at long enough intervals that she wasn’t hearing it (she was asleep), but it was driving the dog crazy. It would beep once, and trigger the dog, waking her up. She’d get the dog to calm down a little. Then she’d fall back asleep and it would happen again.
          I wonder if he might be having some pain issues? Maybe arthritis or something else that flares up more at night? I know he’s been to the vet recently, but if it’s happening with this much regularity, I would probably at least call and ask some questions (my vet is really good about answering questions over the phone to help decide if you need to bring them in for a visit).
          I hope you get this resolved soon, it sounds exhausting and annoying (and the poor dog sounds stressed, too).

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It still might be worth asking about middle of the night sounds for the person whose walls you share. If they are doing off our conference calls with someone in another time zone, for example, you could try teaching the dog to stop announcing when they hear that person’s voice.

          1. ThatGirl*

            The wall we share with our neighbors is concrete and *I* can’t hear anything. I’m pretty sure neither of the neighbors are doing 4 a.m. conference calls. It’s possible the dog is hearing something, I can’t rule it out, but I am about as sure as I can be that he’s not interrupting them.

      3. Deanna Troi*

        This happened to us and was making us crazy, although it was happening at 3:00 AM consistently. Then my husband was talking to our neighbor, who told him that she had a new job where we got home at 3:00 AM. Her house is 400 feet from ours, so we didn’t hear the car pulling into driveway, but our high strung husky heard it. We started using a fan in our bedroom for white noise, and it helped most nights.

        1. ThatGirl*

          We do have fans going at night, I’ve used one for white noise for years. We live in front of a condo complex so it’s not impossible but I have no way to know for certain if he’s hearing something we can’t!

    3. university minion*

      If you don’t currently do it, offer a cookie before bed or move mealtime to later. If you normally feed once per day, switch up to twice per day. Rumbly stomachs are often enough to cause restlessness in the middle of the night.

    4. Wehaf*

      Would you consider trying CBD oil before bed, or when he gets up? I’ve heard good things about it for anxiety in dogs.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I’d consider it, for sure. At this point I’m waiting to hear back from the vet to get her recommendation. And this morning he started in at 4:30, it’s currently 8:50 and he’s pacing around the living room whining.

  39. Lost in the Library*

    Does anyone have any advice for coping with feeling like you’re really, really behind in life?

    A casual comment a co-worker made at work just made me feel like “woah, I’m a loser and I’m not where I should be in life!!!!” She’s 3 years younger than me (29 and I’m 32) and a department head at the library we work at. I’m just here for a 1-year contract position. She made a comment about how she wants to enjoy the last year of her 20s and maybe have a baby with her s/o. Something about this offhand comment just made all of my self-esteem collapse. I never got to enjoy the “end” of my 20s because my dad died and I had to deal with my mentally ill mother. My career isn’t where it should be due to anxiety/depression. I thought that taking this job would put me ahead. It’s my first postion after getting my MLIS. But now, I can’t help but compare myself to someone who is a department head at the age of 29. My contract position ends in 2 months and it looks like I’ll be unemployed for the forseeable future… it’s so hard not to compare myself to her and I just feel like a total loser in all aspects of life.

    I am in therapy, but I’m wondering if anyone might have any book/podcast/etc. recommendations that might make me feel a bit better about my life? How do you stop comparing? It just makes me feel sad that my life seems to be going nowhere. I also just feel so OLD at 32. I truly feel like I’ve missed my chance to find a partner, have a child, own a home, etc. Like, I don’t even have a permanent job!!

    1. Ali G*

      Don’t give in to the “it’s all downhill after 30” crap. I feel bad for her that she thinks she needs to enjoy her last year as a 20-something because apparently every thing sucks after that? Or what?
      I never got the fixation with getting all the milestones done before 30. That’s dumb. Everyone is different. I didn’t meet my husband until my thirties. He was 40 when we got married (we don’t plan to have kids so that’s not an issue).
      Focus on your life and what you want out of it. Get a better job, live your life. What if you never meet someone? So what? I basically assumed I wasn’t going to and focused on my family, friendships, getting a dog, and building a career. I was happy. Imagine when this dude blew into my life and shook it up! I wasn’t looking for a partner, but in living my life I found one. But I would have been ok if I hadn’t.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Same. I remember dreading turning 30 when I was in my mid- to late 20s because of all the stuff I thought I should have achieved by then. Then I got to my 30th birthday and was actually surprised how OK I felt it about it all! I’ll be 33 on Friday and, despite it being a difficult couple of years, I feel a lot calmer and more settled in myself now than I ever did in my 20s.

    2. Janet Pinkerton*

      Okay first of all, it seems thoughtless to complain about aging to someone who’s older than you.

      Second, you should be proud of yourself for getting a one-year contract librarian job right after getting your MLIS! It takes lots of MLISes years to actually get into the field at all. Especially working full time at one library, even on a short-term contract. I have one friend who, five years in, broke in by working at a prison library. It’s rough out there. Your 29-year-old department head probably went right through library school after undergrad. (That’s what I did and my wife did. The people who had actually lived a little life before going were much more well-rounded humans. We both got lucky in our series of jobs—both had right-place-right-time kind of deals that got us in the door. And I’ve literally never worked in the field, just used the skills at my unrelated job. And the skills do transfer.) This contract position does put you ahead of where you were and where you would be without it. It’s just exceptionally poor timing for the rest of the world.

      Next, you have dealt with so much with your family over the past several years. I’m sorry about your dad and I’m sorry about your mom. It’s wretchedly unfair but we all have different starting points and different difficulties. And librarianship is not an easy field. It’s a hard path you’re walking and I’m sorry for that.

      And last, 32 is definitely not too old for those things. There are many women having kids in their late 30s and early 40s. Yes, there’s often medical intervention, but there’s still a baby at the end. (We are doing IVF—no sperm, you see—and it’s a pain but it’s gonna be worth it.) My favorite story of hope is my coworker’s daughter who just adopted a baby at 45. She thought she was never going to find a baby to adopt, that they’d never be picked, and they were! And they have a baby! And he’s named after their favorite meadow! It can happen for you, even if it’s later and not exactly how you imagined it.

    3. Muriel Heslop*

      YOU ARE NOT OLD. Age is relative, sure. But it’s a number.

      Life is not a competition or a board game. There are no set milestones that everyone achieves except the end game. It sounds like you have a lot of things in your life that have been heavy to carry – I am so sorry to hear that. You are working toward being fulfilled, which is always good. I jumped from job to job for a while and didn’t have a career like my peers – but I was running my own race, just like you are. I changed jobs for the last time at 35, met my husband at 36, got married at 38 and had two kids in my 40s. Are those traditional life markers? Sure. Are those the markers by which I measure my life? No. I mean, those things are special to me but lots of people do them. Paying off my stupidly acquired credit card debt? BIG. My special needs son graduating from therapy? BIG. Testifying in court for a student being abused at home? HUGE. The world tells us that we have to hit its definition of success. WE DO NOT. You make your own definitions of success.

      Podcast recommendations: Brene Brown is great. And try Imagined Life. Not only is it engaging, you will hear all of the obstacles that really accomplished people overcame (or didn’t!). It’s really good.

      There is a saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Words could not be more true. Hang in there! And please come back and let us know how you are doing. I am pulling for you!

    4. Dan*

      For stuff like this, the motivation really has to come from within. I don’t think there’s too much in the way of magic words or whatever that makes this all go away.

      I got a late start in my career because I honestly spent just under a decade making some false starts and “figuring things out”. I found something that pays well, I’m good at, and I like, so in many ways it’s loads better than getting on the “normal” path with a job I didn’t like that much because I just went with the flow.

      That said… I work with people do did the normal thing, and got promoted to levels higher than me while being close to ten years younger than me. (We’re talking jobs that pay close to $200k at this point, so these higher positions are *not* nothing to sneeze at.) If I focus on that, I’m just going to be miserable.

      Separately… I have some *very* good friends in their fifties who never had kids due to infertility issues. They did IVF and the whole nine yards. Without the obligation of kids, they’ve got the ability to travel to Europe every year and all that fun stuff. On the flip side, many of their relatives have kids, and don’t have the money for the vacations. The relatives are all like, “oh you’re so lucky, we’re *so* jealous, blah blah blah”. I just looked at my friend and asked, “do your relatives *know* that the reason you have the ability to do this is because you had to make peace with not having something you really wanted, and the thing you gave up is something they have?” My friend’s response was, “good point.”

    5. Courageous cat*

      Yo, I’m 33 and having a lot of the same things. I’ve now been single for two years due to my pickiness, and my career feels so stagnant, like I am not learning anything or getting anywhere with it. My 26-year-old coworker who I’m good friends with, meanwhile, is surpassing me in every stage in life it seems like. It is hard at this age. But even I at 33 know you haven’t missed your chance to find a partner/have a child/etc. A lot a lot a lot can change in the next 1 year, 2 years, 3 years. Think about points in time in the past where you’ve had a lot change in a year. That can and probably will happen again.

      (That said, the pandemic makes all of this much harder, because I am sure we are similarly feeling this: how in the hell is anything supposed to change/how am I supposed to meet someone if nothing ever happens and I can barely leave my house? Annoying)

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      How awful for her that she is peaking in her 20s!
      Seriously, life goes up and down, back and forth. It is not a race to some unknown heights (I know you know that).
      Also, libraries are a bit odd sometimes. We have seen part-timers rise from circ to head of reference and others with years in and skills get passed over for promotions.

      Look what you have done! You got an MLIS and have a job when times are tough and some people never get a library job even with the MLIS. You got your MLIS despite a mom with mental illness and losing your dad and managing your own anxiety/depression. Many people could not do one of those things!

      I don’t know if it helps but I saw this once and it makes me laugh:
      in you 20s you care what other people think of you, in your 40s you stop caring what other people think, in your 60s, you realize they were not thinking of you at all.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t have my first full time permanent job until I was 29. I took 6 years to graduate college and had a shitty GPA. First baby at 35. Still don’t have a home of my own. Didn’t know how to drive til I was 30. Never had the confidence/self esteem to be a “hot young thing” lol.
      I feel like theres more of us than the opposite.

      So, when I think about it, yeah everyone can say I’m a loser……but I don’t feel like a loser (well usually I don’t lol). While I have some insecurities, I learned that we all have our issues and load to deal with in life. There’s no linear way to success (however you define it)

    8. ampersand*

      I get feeling like 32 is old. It’s the oldest you’ve ever been! It actually makes sense to me that people feel old at any age. :) It’s not like we start out at 90 and get younger and therefore understand what old is. And I understand where you’re coming from–I could have written this. At 32 my life also felt like it was going nowhere. At 40, it’s definitely better.

      I was late to get married and have a baby (in my late 30s), and I’ve floundered with a career despite trying. I’ve always felt behind my peers and I still struggle with where I am in life even though I’m overall content. I still have moments where I compare myself to friends or colleagues and find my situation lacking–so I wallow a bit and then focus my attention elsewhere. Sometimes it helps to talk to a friend about it. I think it’s okay to feel bad about this; it can help to acknowledge and work through these feelings vs. trying to just wish them away. It’s difficult when you realize that life isn’t going as planned, and I think that happens to many people (did you read Alison’s post and comments about work sucking earlier this week? I recommend it). Honestly, your 29-year-old coworker is the outlier here, not you. Most people aren’t department heads at 29, and many people delay having children (for all the reasons) until their 30s. You haven’t missed out on everything you want, I promise! There’s still time and there’s a good chance you can and will have the things you want.

    9. Aza*

      Not sure if it’s helpful, but a dear friend of mine had an ivf daughter on her own at 42 or 43. A couple years later, she had a second daughter, same method.

      I think she’s the bravest, coolest person. I know it wasn’t/isn’t easy, but she basically decided to just go for it.

      Point being, there’s more than one route to a full life.

    10. Parenthetically*

      Oh boy so much of this could have been written by me 7 or 8 years ago! (Not that it really matters, but I’m coming up on my 5th anniversary and have two awesome kids now.)

      Be gentle with yourself. Comparison is natural, but your initial “oh crap my whole life is just not where I want it to be or hoped it would be” doesn’t have to be the final word. How can you add to that? What about separating the feelings? “Jane is very successful. She is also younger than me. AND. Her success doesn’t take anything from me, or say anything about my value as a person, my potential, my life path.”

      Sending you good thoughts.

    11. OyHiOh*

      It’s all downhill after your 20’s is nonsense that perpetuates the myth of the child prodigy and the cult of youth. I haven’t felt like I knew/had experienced enough to even begin to make an impact in my community until I hit 40!

      You have a degree which you might luck into being able to use as intended, or you might find yourself using the knowledge and skills gained from it in wildly unexpected ways. Either way, you have a degree which taught you how to research and organize information, and you have professional experience to go with it. Those are incredibly valuable skills to have. You may need to think a bit out of the box to find an ideal niche to settle into but you’re not a human who has “wasted” valuable years; you’re a human who has gained knowledge, skills, and experience, and probably a good bit of wisdom to go along with.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      You stop yourself from comparing yourself to others by:
      scolding yourself/ bribing yourself
      listing off what you have accomplished
      asking yourself WHY you like beating yourself up so much
      keeping a gratitude journal
      ironically, making plans for your OWN future or strengthening the plans you have
      reminding yourself that you would never, ever say this to a friend

      Seriously, if we want to “prove” to ourselves that we are deficient in any manner, we probably will be successful in proving it out to ourselves. If I want to prove to myself that I am stupid for example, I can probably do that very effectively. (how would I know this… let’s see…..)

      The trick lies in the repetition, every time these thoughts start draw from your collection of tools until one tool clicks for you at that moment. Do the best you can to counter the negative thoughts when they occur with a positive thought.

      If we look at a snapshot, like a FB snap shot, we can clearly see how life has cheated us in some manner. But life is not a snapshot. Life is a movie. That wonderful spouse files for divorce. That beautiful child becomes estranged from their parent, the house that looked so gorgeous involves crushing debt. Stories aren’t stagnant, they go on and on. We don’t compare ourselves to others when bad things happen to them, we only compare ourselves when good things happen to them.

      You are 32? It won’t be long and you will start to see time level out the playing field around you. For the moment, you might find it helpful to deliberately cultivate friendships with older people. By that I mean as little as 9 years older than you. Listen to their stories, ask them what they think when it seems like they might have good inputs. Personally, I am making it a life habit to keep a few well-chosen older people around me. They bring in a balance that can’t be found anywhere else. A reassurance? not sure. We do need all different types of people around us and your post here is the exact reason why. Sometimes people can really jar us unexpectedly. It’s good to know first hand that others are having a different life experience.

    13. Bibliovore*

      I was 35 when I got my MLIS. I was a front line librarian for 5 years more years. Do not compare yourself to others. Your colleague may have made a thoughtless remark. As the song goes. Follow your arrow. Grow at your own pace. Seek and volunteer for new opportunities. Don’t spend time worrying about yearly contracts. I was yearly for twenty years.

    14. allathian*

      I spent most of my 20s in college and it took me 8 years to graduate from a 4-year Bachelor + Master’s program (yes, it’s intense, most people do it in about 5 or 6 years). It helps that I’m in an area where tuition up to Master’s is free, so I spent far more time than I should choosing a major, meaning that I got a lot of extra credits I couldn’t really use in my degree. I was in a dysfunctional relationship for most of my early 20s and I was depressed because of it to the point that I couldn’t really focus on studying for a year or two. I got some language credits (languages have always been easy for me) to keep my place. I finally graduated when I was 27, just before the tech crash. After graduation I spent a number of years working entry-level jobs when I wasn’t unemployed. Luckily I had managed to save some money when I was working 30 hours a week as well as doing well in my studies so I had something to live on…

      I met my husband when I was 33, got pregnant at 36 and we married when I was 37, just before our baby was born. I got my current job, my first that actually requires a Master’s degree, when I was 35. We bought our lot and built the house we’re living in when I was just shy of 39 and we’ve been living here for the past 8 years. I’m 48 now and my life now is much better than it ever was in my 20s or early 30s.

      I’m definitely a late bloomer and there’s more of us than you might think. It’s not all downhill after 30. I’ll grant you that finding a partner now is even tougher than it was when I was looking and COVID isn’t making things easier. I wish you well in your life path, whatever form it may take.

    15. Batgirl*

      I was in a position to do all that stuff whenever I wanted in my twenties and I didnt; instincts held me back. When my marriage failed and my industry was hit by the recession, I was 32 and devastated. I felt I’d missed the boat. But if I had obeyed the thirty year old deadline I would be tied to a deadbeat by our kids (and he’d be using them against me) and have my health destroyed by an unrewarding industry. That’s what happened to a lot of clockwatchers I was friends with. Now, I’m in a job I love and about to try for a baby in a great relationship. Not because of a deadline but because its right.

    16. Phoenix from the ashes*

      When I hit 30 it was the worst birthday number ever! Seriously, people talk about 40 being a traumatic milestone, but for me it was 30. I was working in a truly awful job, and so over-stressed and underpaid – and then I got made redundant and things got so, so much worse.

      And then it started turning around. I met my now-husband, moved countries, changed careers to something I love; my 40s are amazing, but my 30s were where my life turned around. What changed, I don’t know, except that I started doing things that were out of my comfort zone, not so much for fun but out of desperation at first.

      I’m very reluctant to say, “take some risks”, but maybe “take some careful risks”, lol? Good luck. It’s nowhere near too late for any of your dreams.

  40. Lemon Curdle*

    Anyone seen either version of Utopia? I can watch the original and the Amazon remake as they’re both on Prime, and am wondering which to start with?

  41. Marian*

    Is it inappropriate for someone in their 30s to wear a headband?

    I always associated it with school days, but given that I won’t be getting a haircut anytime soon I thought I’d experiment with accessories. The options get a lot more narrow the older you get (miss those fun clips and cute bows!)

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      No! I have friends in their 30s wearing headbands and they look great! I think you just have decide if its your style! Enjoy!

    3. Queer Earthling*

      No, but I also wear cute fun clips and bows, and never got over my “goth phase”, so my advice might not be what you’re looking for.

      I’m 32 and just out of fucks to give.

    4. I’d like to look presentable.*

      It’s inappropriate to look askance at someone in their 30s wearing a headband. Wearing a headband? Not at all.

    5. Buni*

      My thinking flipped quite early on from “As an adult, you shouldn’t wear [x]” to “As an adult, you can wear whatever the hell you want and who can tell you otherwise?”.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        50s. I’m not comfortable in the hard standard headband, but every narrow silk scarf I own has at one time or another been tied around my head.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          (And by the way I mean I am physically not comfortable in hard headbands, they look tidy when growing out bangs & layers.)

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Look at the illustration at the top of this page — my phone was so slow to reload that I had time to notice Allison’s headband!

    8. Stephanie*

      I’m in my 50’s, and I wear them sometimes. I say wear what you want, who cares what anyone else thinks?

    9. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

      I’m in my 60’s and I wear one frequently. I even do a ponytail when it’s hot! Do whatever makes you feel good.

    10. Generic Name*

      I don’t see why it would be. One of my coworkers, who’s in her 30s wears them, and she always looks cute. I’d wear them but they tend to interfere with my glasses, and I’m in my 40s.

      It’s funny, I bought into this type of thinking based on stuff my mom used to say. She’s actually a very liberal lady (in her 70s) but she has a lot of old-fashioned 50s era sensibilities. Like hoop earrings above a certain diameter are “for sluts”. Well guess what, I bought myself an amazing set of big hoop earrings for my 40th birthday, and I get nothing but compliments on them. So if you want to wear a headband, wear one!

      1. Llama face!*

        Lol, when I was a teenager one guy in our church said the same sort of dumb thing about hoop earrings (he was cruder about it and said “the bigger the hoop the bigger the h0”) so of course I went to the dollar store and bought the largest diameter hoops I could find and wore them to church the next Sunday.

        1. Llama face!*

          So basically: Unless there is an actual dress code rule you are breaking that has consequences you care about avoiding, don’t worry about people’s arbitrary rules. Wear what makes you happy and comfortable.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Hoop earrings. I did the same thing with black clothes. Only women with low morals wore black. Darn straight, I hit adulthood and my own paycheck and went shopping. Way to go.

        FWIW, I am sitting here with hoop earrings right now. And they are a wider hoop. gasp.

    11. Llama face!*

      One of my coworkers was wearing a (sparkly) headband this week and she’s in her 50s. Rock it if you like it!

    12. Filosofickle*

      I get the question. I recently bought a headband and haven’t actually worn it yet because it does feel a little young on me (in my 40s), especially since I have bangs. But I see them all the time! They are back in style. My curls cascade so nicely in it. Rationally I agree with everyone here that they are a normal thing to wear at any age! There’s just some weird idea in my head I have to kick to the curb.

    13. NicoleK*

      Headbands and ponytails are my “go to” for days when I don’t have time to wash my hair. I’m in my 40s and I own and wear slim headbands.

    14. RagingADHD*

      Bear in mind that most of the articles about “women over X should never wear Y” are written by underpaid interns who are barely legal to drink.

    17. Hazelthyme*

      50 here and WISH I could wear headbands — having anything tied or clasped around my head, however lightly or loosely, gives me headaches within an hour or 2. I did, however, frequently tie one of my trademark scarves around my head for Zoom calls during the hottest, most humid parts of the summer, and always got a ton of compliments when I did.

    18. allathian*

      I wear a headband! Granted, it’s a stretchy ring of cloth rather than a hard plastic headband, but it’s really handy for keeping my overgrown hair out of my face. Next time I venture out shopping, I’ll try to find a couple of black cloth masks to match my headbands. I haven’t been to a hair salon since February and my bangs are long enough to cover my face completely. Last time I wore this hairstyle was in college, when I was too poor to get a haircut more than twice a year. I actually quite like it, although I see a masked visit to the salon in the not too distant future to get my split ends fixed. DIY haircuts are not for me. My husband shaves his head and cuts our son’s hair with a trimmer, but I won’t let him near my head…

    19. Batgirl*

      Im 41 and I wear an Alice band every day, unless my curls are unusually orderly and will stay put. Really young colleagues seem to like my leather bow the best; I like the monochrome with sequins which make me look like Wonder Woman according to the students. Getting older is about gaining confidence in what you like; not about having things ruled out, or becoming more timid.

    20. Esmeralda*

      I hope not. I’m 60 and I wear them! Especially now.

      Check out mary.bands on insta or facebook. Headbands made from men’s ties!

  42. Halloweener*

    Does anyone have a resource or advice to share on tackling a DIY Halloween costume? My 9 yr old son wants something homemade this year and we are looking for a project together. I am thinking moderate difficulty – something we can chip away at over the next few weeks between school and work. In our initial search he seems to be leaning towards Yarny from the video game Unravel. Any advice how we can get started?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This might be way more than you’re looking for, but the google search term is “Yarny cosplay”. You should be able to find something that will help.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It doesn’t take as much to make a kid extremely happy as a parent might think.
      She was thrilled with a Pikachu costume i made a few years ago. I made a shapeless hooded tunic out of yellow fleece, added a tail, put ears on a headband, and found yellow tights to match. We used a Sharpie to draw on zigzags, and a wire coat hanger to get the tail to stand up. (Honestly the hardest part was getting her to take off the yellow face paint at bedtime. That and explaining that I didn’t know how to add a zipper so she could wear the hoodie to school…)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So now you have me thinking. Red long-sleeved hoodir & pants & gloves, red face paint. Get him to cut the ear shape out of cardboard or bend it out of wire, and sew a fabric bag around that to his hoodie.
        Loosely wrap him in the cheapest yarn from the discount store and sew or glue it in place along seams and the edge of where his face shows. Bonus, do both sides zippers so he can get in & out of his clothes. Add big eyes and get him to ham it up!
        (I’m team #YeetTheTreats can you tell?)

    3. Lcsa99*

      Can’t help with tutorials but I’ve done something similar to this for a Hawkgirl mask. Its hard to describe, but if you hold pieces of paper up to his head and cut slits where necessary so it conforms to the shape of his head it should work nicely. Like if you see it bunching up in a corner, cut a slit there, then overlap the pieces so they lay flat or stick up where you want it to; then you can then use that as a template to cut poster board exactly to that shape. Once its cut you can just paint it red and glue on yarn. The rest of the costume should be easy.

    4. Halloweener*

      These are great ideas! We had good luck at the costume store to find a red Lycra body suit. Will be busy with red yarn the next several weekends should be a fun project :)

  43. Muriel Heslop*

    Movie help needed. Our 10 year old son is struggles with anxiety and gets a lot of comfort from reading about superheroes. He loves them! Unfortunately, a lot of the movies are too stressful for him but he really wants to see them. He enjoyed the Ant Man films a lot, and Spiderman Spiderverse was good, but we aren’t sure if there is anything else out there for him. We watched a trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy last night but he turned it off and said it was too much. Any suggestions? My husband and I know absolutely nothing about superheroes (nor do we really want to, but we are watching these with him.) Thank you for any help you can give!

    1. Super heroes!!*

      Can you be more specific on what aspects of the movies he finds stressful? Is it the violence? The imagery of the bad guys?

      We watch a lot of the Marvel movies with our son who is now 10 years old. I would skip the Guardians of the Galaxy (great movies, but I felt the humor and maybe some of the language was more geared towards adults). Check out the Thor movies. I think the violence is a bit less “shoot them up” and more typical of what one might expect of super heroes (super strength! magic hammer!). Thor Ragnarok is one of my all time favorites although it’s the 3rd movie in the series.

      Spider-Man (with Tom Holland) could be better for kids, and a lot of my son’s friends also like Dr Strange.

      We LOVED Black Panther, but the bad guy in the movie is much more complicated and serious than other bad guys in super hero movies so depending on what causes your son anxiety, that may not be a good choice.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        The violence is scary but it is the threat of evil that really stresses him the most. For example, he LOVES the idea of Black Panther, but when we explained slavery to him he started crying and begged us to stop talking about it.

        Your recommendations sound great – I thought Spider Man might be good. And Thor sounds up his alley – more typical superheroes. Thank you!

        1. Diahann Carroll*

          Black Panther isn’t about slavery though, so I don’t know why that would be an issue. The whole point of the film is that Wakanda wasn’t colonized, the people were not enslaved at any point, and as such, Wakandans are extremely self-sufficient with technology that’s way more advanced than any so-called developed nation, and the villain wants to use that technology to take over other countries. Slavery is only briefly alluded to by Killmonger, but it’s not the crux of the story at all.

          1. Muriel Heslop*

            We know that but his clinical anxiety does not. He has a book about Shuri from Black Panther that he reads over and over (she is his absolute favorite) but he is worried something terrible will happen her in the movie. It’s not rational at all! As long as she stays in the book, she stays safe apparently .

            1. TL -*

              Slavery might not be the crux of the story but it’s definitely the crux of the theme. Hopefully your kid is learning about systemic racism and injustice (I know I had covered slavery in history class at ten, if nothing else) but they still may have trouble with the framing in Black Panther and that’s okay.

        2. curly sue*

          The first two Thor movies are a very different tone than the third – very Shakespearean drama, moody lighting, and a fair amount of dark violence in number two especially. (Like, physically dark. No-one on set apparently knew how to use a fill light.)

          Ragnarok is goofy, irreverent, and much lighter in tone, though it does have some commentary to make about the evils of colonialism and empire. I’d start there with a kid, of any of the Thor set.

          I’ve got a fairly sensitive 9 year old, and Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse was right up his alley. It’s animated, which can sometimes take away from the immediacy of the smash-em-ups, and the evil is a little bit sympathetic. (Kingpin is trying to get a copy of his family from an alternate dimension, and doesn’t care that the dimensional gateway is destroying reality.) It’s not MCU, but it is Marvel, and IMO is one of the best superhero films out there.

          1. curly sue*

            Sorry! I didn’t read carefully enough to see that you’d already done Spiderverse! How does he do with shapeshifters? Captain Marvel is a highly beloved movie around here, with both my kids as well as myself.

            1. TL -*

              Oh Captain Marvel is great and it’s not too darkly lit at all!

              The first avengers might be okay, too -loki isn’t evil, he’s a trickster, and it’s high on action but brightly lit and with lots of comedic relief.

              1. curly sue*

                That’s a good point! My sensitive kid wasn’t a fan of parts where the Avengers are bickering — intra-team personal conflict is a bit of a hot button there. (He’s got very black and white thinking, and gets uncomfortable where there isn’t a clearly demarcated Bad Guy and Good Guy in conflicts). But the alien-smashing is great fun!

          2. curly sue*

            Another thought with respect to animated heroes – has he tried Big Hero 6? It’s Marvel but not MCU, animated and deliciously goofy and funny. There’s a bad guy with a sympathetic backstory but a bad case of ‘ends justify the means.’ The only drawback there is that the protagonist’s motivation is the death of his older brother, and we get to know the brother and see the event (a fire, from a distance outside the building). But otherwise it’s college-aged superheroes, madcap chases and silly fight scenes, a ridiculous giant robot friend, and a storyline that’s all about healthy ways of dealing with grief.

            1. RagingADHD*

              My kids absolutely loved this from the age of about 6/7. Extra bonus points that one of the major themes is the young protagonist (about 11-12, maybe) learning to deal with his emotions.

      2. Piano Girl*

        I would definitely recommend Sky High, The Incredibles, Big Hero Six, and Tom Holland’s Spider-Man movies. We were big fans of the Teen Titans and Ben Ten. How about Thundercats?

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Do you have a Disney+ subscription, or would you be willing to try one? They have a couple of options that might appeal – both a bunch of animated Marvel/Avengers episodes that should be a lot lower key than the movies, and also a real life series about people (especially kids) who are doing “heroic” projects in real life, the Marvel Hero Project, if that’s something that would interest him. There might be another real life series too, I feel like they were working on another one but I don’t remember the details.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        Yes, we have Disney+! I will check out the Marvel Hero Project – that sound like something he would LOVE! Thank you!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Sweet! D+ has a whole section that’s just Marvel stuff and it’s chock full of animated series for pretty much every character you can think of, and I saw at least three different real life series too. :)

    4. Dottie*

      Not sure if I could think of any titles from the top of my head, but have you looked at this rate/review website for parents called Common Sense Media? You can get an idea of what to anticipate in movies if you haven’t seen them before, and there are themed lists to know what to watch next (“best superhero movies for kids”).

      1. Super heroes!!*

        SecondingCommon Sense Media! Good resource and there have been several times we’ve looked up movies that we remembered as being fun years ago that we thought would be good to watch with our son only to realize when looking it up how inappropriate it would be for his age group.

      2. Muriel Heslop*

        We do use Common Sense Media but I thought we ask people who really are “into” Marvel and DC the way our son is – my husband and I know nothing and are not into those worlds at all. We aren’t into Star Wars either, and our Star Wars friends have given us great guidance in that area so I thought I would apply the same approach to this. Thank you!

    5. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Older superhero movies? Like the original Superman. Movies were so much less intense back then.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        We watched the Christopher Reeve Superman films and he really loved them, which encouraged him to try more superhero films. We also watch the old Hulk show with Bill Bixby – the special effects are terrible but we all enjoy the storylines. Thank you!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If you liked the Bill Bixby look for other shows from them! Aquaman, the Greatest American Hero, Lindale Carter’s Wonder Woman, heck try the six Million Dollar MSN and Bionic Woman. Knight Rider might be close enough too.
          Saturday morning TV was full of cartoons too.

          3. Muriel Heslop*

            We have watched Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman and GAH – two of my childhood faves. He scoffed at the tech on Knight Rider but we did watch a few episodes. Thank you!

    6. TL -*

      Seconding on needing more information but in general: Disney Channel’s Sky High is good and very much aimed at kids, as is its Secret Society of Secondborns (I might have the name wrong there.)

      Check out Ben 10 from Cartoon Network for a TV show – animated, about a ten year old boy superhero, very fun and light, and unlikely to hit any triggers while still feeling very superhero-y.

      The first Superman movies might be good, and some of the old Batman movies (the ones with Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito, Clooney, Swarzzeneger) are pretty cheesy and somewhat aimed at kids – but they use dark lightning and jump-scares sometimes.

      1. TL -*

        Also! The Incredibles, of course. The villian there isn’t evil so much as a naughty child.

        The first spider-man with Toby Maguire and the first one with Tom Hollis might be good too – less violence, since most of the special effects are flying around city, and the bad guys are either sad-bads or just generic bad, rather than exceptionally evil.

        1. Muriel Heslop*

          We LOVE The Incredibles! And he said he would try Spiderman “unless something really bad happens to Aunt May.” He’s very sensitive and loves her.

      2. Muriel Heslop*

        I will check out these shows – thank you! We thought about the old Batman movies but the lighting is really dark. He commented last night “It’s never really dark in the Ant Man movies so I don’t get that scared.”

        1. TL -*

          I wondered if that might be the case! Then I’d recommend staying out of the DC universe entirely, including Aquaman (unless you want to dive into some of the animated shows aimed at kids, which are pretty good!)

          There are a lot of really good animated shows about superheros – DC, Marvel, and miscellaneous – which it sounds like might be more friendly for your kid. And they go back to the 90s, so a lot of series to try out. There’s one with the X-Men where they’re all in public high school and the plotlines all revolve around high school things, with some super baddies thrown in, but nothing too evil. (Can’t remember the name, sorry!)

      3. TL -*

        Update on the Batman movies – I’d avoid the Jack Nickelson/Micheal Keaton one; the murder of his parents might be hard to take.

        The one with Arnold as Mr. Freeze and the one with Danny DeVito as Penguin would probably be fine; they’re cartoon-ish villians and motivated by wanting/losing family. Jim Carrey and I think Tom Sellack as Two-Face might be somewhere in the middle – they are both more chaos muppets but very over the top and hard to take seriously.

        The Christopher Nolan directed Batman trilogy would be way too much for your kid, sounds like, and the newest Batman movies aren’t great. Wonder Woman would also be a bad fit, but Aquaman might be okay? The villian is suffering from a bad case of sibling rivalry, so not evil. High violence but low gore.

    7. CTT*

      This isn’t superheroes per se, but you mentioned you have Disney+ and in case you haven’t already encountered it: Phineas and Ferb. It has a lot of the same elements (gadgetry! working with friends towards a common goal! an evil(ish, bless his heart) villain who is always defeated!) even if it is not a straight-up super hero property.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh, gosh, Phineas and Ferb for sure! (And if he likes that, I believe Gravity Falls is by the same creative team.)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            My husband is always linking the two somehow, I’ll have to ask him what’s the connection then or is it just that he likes them both :)

    8. Llama face!*

      This might not be quite up his alley but have you seen the french TV series Miraculous? You can get it on Netflix with either dubbing or English subtitles. Two teenage superheroes (one female and one male) and lots of ridiculous and not scary danger. The archvillain turns people’s frustrated talents/desires into their villain superpower and it is usually pretty silly/harmless. Like the aging rock star guy can make people into obsessively adoring fans by playing his electric guitar or the kid who wants to keep partying traps the adults in bubbles so they can’t interfere. The heroes save the day every episode and nobody dies.

        1. Llama face!*

          Sweet! There is a Christmas special on Netflix (which I’m guessing you’ve already seen) but yeah, sadly no movie yet.

    9. tangerineRose*

      Would it help him to read “spoilers” about the movie first? Sometimes knowing what is going to happen really helps my stress level when watching movies.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        Oh, absolutely. He couldn’t even begin to explore these worlds without the books and graphic novels about them – they are also how he fell in love with them. Knowing that everything turns out okay is critical for him. Thank you!

    10. PollyQ*

      There was an early 80’s TV show called The Greatest American Hero that was a gentle parody of superhero tropes that your son might like. Per JustWatch, it’s available on a number of streaming platforms, including Peacock (which is free, but has ads). He also might like the old Adam West Batman series.

      2. Filosofickle*

        …believe it or not I’m walking on air I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee! (Now, try to get THAT out of your head.)

    11. Superhero loving family*

      My kids were both very sensitive to movies and we walked out of many movies from Harry Potter to Spiderman.
      Try the Justice League animated television series, the one that ran from 2001-2004. My kids also liked the animated series Justice League: Unlimited, Ben 10, and Teen Titans.
      My kids could generally handle animation better than live action. Interestingly it wasn’t violence that bothered them, and only sometime the scary stuff. What got them were the emotionally intense moments, especially for my son. That’s why I would stay away from all the live action Spidermans, at least for a while.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        That is great feedback. Yes, the intensity of the situations really get to him. We read the first Harry Potter book and he never really got into it because it just made him so sad that Harry’s parents were dead, his family was mean, and someone was out to get him. He loves Justice League and Teen Titans. I will check out Ben 10. That is helpful about the Spiderman movies – thank you!

    12. Natalie*

      Caveat that I haven’t seen it but husband did – maybe Shazam!? (The exclamation point is part of the title.) It’s live action, came out last year, not super dark that I recall, either in style or tone.

      He also suggested: Teen Titans (cartoon show), the cartoon Green Lantern movies on HBO, Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes or Avengers Assemble which are both cartoon tv shows available on Disney+

      1. Incessant Owlbears*

        Shazam is definitely not for kids in my opinion. To me, it is a movie for adults that happens to star kids. The evil is very, very overwhelming, and there is also a ton of terrible, cruel behavior in school that goes completely unpunished and un-dealt-with by the adults.

        I recommend the animated series Marvel Rising, which I think is on Disney Plus. Although, one of the main heroes lost her best friend, so maybe that might be too upsetting.

        You might want to preview some of these suggestions before you try them out, although I know that doubles the time investment.

      2. Zooey*

        I thought Shazam was a huge missed opportunity in terms of a kid friendly superhero film. In many respects the tone is way more kid friendly than current MCU – quite goofy and fun. But there’s way more violence than there needs to be in a way that pushes it more adult. There’s also a big subplot about child abandonment which I think would be very hard for an anxious child – it’s resolved in the end by his forming a successful bond with his adoptive family but still very sad.

    13. Super heroes! Yay!*

      Maybe the old Michael York version of The Three Musketeers? Campy and wonderful and amusing, and even the villians aren’t that bad, if I recall correctly. I might steer away from the second one in the series of movies because (spoiler alert) one of the bad guys gets beheaded (off-screen). I don’t know if this is something you have time to do, but can you watch the movies first to see if they are ok for your kid (who sounds sweet, by the way)?

    14. Wehaf*

      I haven’t seen it in a long time, so it may not be suitable for a ten year old (might have some more adult humor or language), but Mystery Men is a comedy in which a group of amateur superheroes with underwhelming powers have to save the day after Captain Amazing is captured.

      1. curly sue*

        Ohhh yeah, no – it’s not kid-appropriate (or at least, I wouldn’t let my 13 and 9 yr old watch it). There are on-screen mutilations, and the humour is extremely raunchy.

    15. Thunderbirds Are Go*

      Thunderbirds Are Go – animated series, based on the 1960’s puppet show. Kids with super gadgets ;-) I believe it’s on Netflix

    16. Diatryma*

      This may not be what you’re looking for and I would certainly advise keeping an eye on it, but Archive Of Our Own is a fanfiction site with quite a lot of superhero (and other) content, often well-tagged for content. It’s not all smut all the time– my favorites tend to be fluff and domestic Avengers plus some weird, weird AUs.

    17. Hi there*

      Your kiddo might enjoy “Monsters vs Aliens”. My son picked it out at the library at about that age. I remember being very skeptical but it was good. I think most contemporary superhero movies are going to be a little much for a sensitive 10 year old. How about TV shows? “The Flash” might work for you. There is also a follow-up show for Monsters vs Aliens that is very funny.

  44. Cat lover*

    I hope everyone had a great week!

    I woke up this morning with what is either a mild case of pink eye or a weird allergy. My right eye is swollen at the tear duct until about the middle of my eye (not the outer part). I can open my eye fully and it isn’t crusting or producing discharge, just red and swollen.

    My mom had some medicated drops from when this happened to her a few months back. I also have a hot compress.

    Does anyone recommend anything else? I might take a Benadryl as well. Thankfully Saturday is the only day on my calendar that nothing is scheduled.

    1. Muriel Heslop*

      I had that happen to me a few years ago and was diagnosed with sever ocular allergies. My eye doctor is an MD and prescribed a double dose of Benadryl and hot, wet compress. Mine was much worse than yours – my eyeball was literally bulging out of the socket it was so swollen – and it resolved before I went to bed that night.

      Note: I am not a doctor. Just sharing my experience and positive outcome. Good luck! I hope yours clears up!

    2. MsOctopus*

      If you mean your eyelid/eye…rim? (probably there is a better word for that!) is red/swollen, it might be the beginning of a stye. Styes are usually the result of a blocked oil gland in the eyelid, sometimes combined with bacterial infection—warm compresses can help release the blockage and there are some medicated eyelid wipes you can buy that can help, too. If you mean your actual eye ball is swollen, that sounds like something a doctor should probably check out?

      1. Cat lover*

        Yes, the rim of the eye, not the eye itself. If it doesn’t clear up in a day or two, I’ll go to a doc.

        thanks!

    3. Stephanie*

      That doesn’t sound like pinkeye to me. My kids got pinkeye a lot when they were little, and one of the hallmarks is a lot of crusty discharge. It could be a stye, it could be allergies. If Benadryl helps, it’s likely allergies. If the hot compress helps, it very well could be a stye. I would definitely not use medicated drops unless a doctor okayed them. If it gets worse, I would highly recommend seeing a doctor.
      (I am assuming that you mean that your eyelid is swollen and red, not your actual eyeball. If it’s your eyeball, get yourself to a doctor, ASAP.)

      1. Cat lover*

        Yeah, my mom didn’t think it was pinkeye either! I think it’s a stye- both my parents get these occasionally. I’m going to use a compress for a day or so and phone my doc if it doesn’t clear up!

        Thanks!

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Could you phone an advice nurse in your healthcare system this weekend? That might get you the best/fastest results. Eye problems need quick action.
      I hope you’re much better tomorrow.

    6. Longtime Lurker*

      Sounds weird, but recommended by my eye dr is to boil an egg and use that in the compress. It holds the heat for about 10 minutes, better than the compress alone. Just keep using the same egg for 3-5 days, 1-2 x a day. And then be sure to throw the egg away at the end!

  45. Analyst Editor*

    I just re-read Jane Eyre for the umpteenth time, and am still under the book’s spell; so much so, that I have been scouring the internet for interesting commentaries on it.
    The least satisfactory topic in all my readings across the internet, though, is St. John Rivers. I haven’t seen a convincing account, which really engages with the book and isn’t dismissive (“oh he’s just terrible”) of 1) why St. John make Jane the offer he does, and 2) why Jane feels so drawn to him and so influenced by him. I have my own opinions, but would like to hear those of others.

    1. TL -*

      To 2) I always read it as St. John’s absolute morality seeming quite comforting and reassuring to Jane after the whole Mr. Rochestor events. She had this belief throughout that doing the right thing would lead her to a simple life of comfort and serviceability, and instead it brought her heartbreak and pain. St. John was such a clear beacon of this is right and this is wrong, and doing the right thing brings a simple, good life, and the wrong, a complicated bad life – I read her as latching on to that as the only way out of the muddled painful emotional mess she was in. She did the right thing and it was complicated and messy and I think that very much contradicted her understanding of the world, so St. John was a comfort, in that he could get her back to a much simpler place.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        That’s an interesting take! Mine is, you know how when you meet someone who is superlatively good at what they do – very smart, very strong, very competent, very confident – it can be very attractive? You want that person’s approval and attention, so you start doing things they think are fun, adopting their opinions (not cynically- you really start believing them), following their schemes, jumping through any hoops. I think this is what happened there.

    2. Fellow Traveler*

      Jane Eyre is my absolute favorite book!
      For me, the Jane/ St. John relationship really is about the resilient stoicism of both of these characters. I mean, if you think about it, they are both quite similar- disappointed in love, but determined to move forward and make a worthwhile life. And both they kind of think, “Well, okay, not my first choice, but we can figure this out.” Jane’s perseverance and drive to maintain momentum is omen of my favorite parts of her.
      I never thought St. John terrible or unkind- maybe just aloof and cerebral and a little hurting. a complete opposite from Rochester. And maybe that’s the point.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        I’m glad you like it too! I didn’t as a teenager (“stop suffering for no reason, go be happy”) but I like it very much now. I’m enjoying working through the various movie adaptations, with the 1983 one (Zelah Clarke and Timothy Dalton) as my favorite Jane and Mr. Rochester, by FAR.

        2. Fellow Traveller*

          So may screen versions! I don’t know if I have a favorite one. It’s like I like certain things of this version or that version, but no one version captures it all.
          Did you see the film version from the National Theatre? I thought that was fantastic. There is something in capturing the energy and spirit of the book onstage that succeeded for me much better than trying to capture a more literal version on film.

          1. Buni*

            I’m biased, because I already loved Dalton before I saw* his Rochester (matron). And I love that it’s 6 hours, so unlike a 2hr film / stage show you get the WHOLE book.

            *Technically not true – I saw it as broadcast in ’83, but was quite young and didn’t remember until I saw it again around ’89.

          2. Analyst Editor*

            Never seen it. I saw the 2006 one, and didn’t like it. I forgot which other I’ve seen.
            Basically, I like the 1983 Jane because of how good she gets the flirty part of her relationship with Rochester, and how she projects a certain equanimity, or tranquility, or however you want to call it. For all of her trials and tribulations, Jane is very rational and self-possessed; and that’s what I like about her, and never really saw when I read the book before. I don’t think any other adaptation really conveys the more optimistic/ tendency-to-be-happy-with-what-she-has aspect of her personality.

            Going back to the question of St. John – I think he completely misreads Jane; he sees her actions self-denying (taking the school-mistress job, sharing the inheritance) when in fact she just does what seems natural and right to her; neither of these seemed like true sacrifices on her part, and I don’t think St. John gets that, because they would be sacrifices if he had to make them.
            I read one take that made the case that St. John actually is attracted to Jane; and that he abandons Ms. Oliver as soon as Jane appears on the horizon — but he is so repressed he has no way of articulating this, but her refusal wounds him PERSONALLY – not just his righteous sensibilities.

    3. Pamela Adams*

      St. John sees Jane as a usefuk tool- I’m not sure he ever sees her (or anyone else) as human or as equally important as St.JE. The term wasn’t available then, but I think of him as having no empathy- he is the only real person. If he hadn’t latched on to God and missionary-ism, I could see him becoming a serial killer. (hmmm- time to write some Jane Eyre fanfiction?) I feel sorry for his parishioners-to-be, and feel that Rosamund Oliver had a lucky escape.

      1. TexasRose*

        Not exactly fanfic, but you might like_Jane Steele_ by Lyndsey Faye. An incredible tale of, well, gumption.
        I’ve been reading fluff for months now, and this discussion has inspired me to read the Bloom’s notes edition of _Jane Eyre_ (I haven’t read the original in decades) and then re-read _Jane Steele_.

    4. Buni*

      You have to remember the context of the writing: Jane’s decision to marry her 20+-yrs-older employer in that time and society is already scandalous, before anyone’s even heard of any mad wife in the attic. St. John was written to be the exact antithesis of all that Rochester is – he is capital-R-Respectable, with a godly profession and a missionary zeal. He is sincerely appalled at Jane’s previous ‘unwomanly’ behaviour and offers to marry her as a culturally-legitimate way of redeeming both her reputation and her immortal soul.

      CB – actually, all the Bronte women – were very much about women not sticking in their prescribed lanes. Jane spends her whole life trying to be good, genuinely trying to to fit in and squash down the rebelliousness of her own spirit. Her brief weakness in accepting St. John is indicative of her briefly being swayed to Society’s norms, before remembering to assert herself as the independant spirit CB meant her to be.

      Apols, I’ve loved this book above all others for over 30 years and I have OPINIONS!

    5. Not A Manager*

      I love Jane Eyre. One thing I love are the brief character sketches, especially the ones that show hypocrisy under conventional morality. St. John is not hypocritical, but he’s another kind of contradiction – the person whose morality is so rigid, and so exacting, that he experiences no joy and ultimately brings no joy to other people.

      I think that unlike with the hypocritical characters, though, Bronte believes that St. John’s morality and religion have made him into as good a person as he can possibly be. He says himself that he’s driven by ambition, and he says that it’s only his religion that has caused him to channel his ambition into something worthy. What he doesn’t say, but Bronte shows, is that he’s also controlling, manipulative and sadistic. Jane is absolutely right that if she marries him, she will conceive an unhealthy love for him that he will only scorn, and she’s also right that he will continually punish her for having once refused him. His lonely death is somewhat tragic, but really it’s tragic because it’s the best he can do – hope to unite with Christ in an afterlife, because he can’t make any real human connections in this life.

      I think Jane is so attracted to him because in a way she is re-living her childhood experience with him, except unlike her childhood relatives, he isn’t evil. Everything about him makes her feel inadequate and insufficient in the same ways she felt in her childhood home. He’s strikingly attractive; she feels ugly. He’s rigidly moral; she struggles between the pull of morality and inclination. He could cast her away and allow her to suffer, but instead he rescues her – but only to control her afterward.

      (Her experience with the gorgeous and moral St. John is the opposite of her experience with the ugly and amoral Mr. Rochester, who loves her as she is and makes her into more of herself rather than less of herself.)

      Unlike with her aunt that she can never please, though, St. John continually holds out hope that if only she fits herself into exactly the mold that he demands, she can please him, she can finally be good enough. I think that she’s reliving and trying to re-write her childhood trauma with St. John.

      I deeply dislike this character, because I think he’s abusive in a way that I’m not sure even Bronte fully confronts. Jane really could live the rest of her life in India trying to diminish herself enough to satisfy St. John. I’ve never quite bought into the deus ex machina of telepathy that finally allows her to rescue herself. I wish that Rochester didn’t confirm through the later dialogue that he had been calling to her when she heard him in the garden, because I’d prefer to think that it was her own internal voice that was telling her to get away from St. John.

    6. Crylo Ren*

      I always liked the idea that St. John kind of acts as a foil to Mr. Rochester’s behavior and represents the extreme of Jane’s tendency towards self-control, stoicism in the face of pain, self-righteousness etc. Yes, that self-control served Jane well in that it allowed her to escape a situation with her self-respectability intact – but taken to an extreme – if she had accepted St. John’s offer because it was “the right thing to do” – it would be just as soul-crushing as the alternative (that is, if she had accepted Mr. Rochester’s offer to be his mistress). To me the message is that something could be “the right thing to do” but still “wrong” when one examines themselves and their own feelings.

      As an aside, if you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend reading Juliet Barker’s book “The Brontes: Wild Genius on the Moors”, it’s lengthy but provides a lot of great commentary and insight into the real-life social contexts and people that inspired Charlotte Bronte’s writing. St. John was actually based on a real marriage proposal she received (and turned down) because it was similarly pragmatic and passionless.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Random thoughts typed while being interrupted by the Little Bracketses:

      I think Jane Eyre is a lot about Jane walking between two dichotomies — the prescribed/expected path of outward religion and social conformity a la St. John, and the angry, rebellious, screw-these-bastards-and-their-expectations of pre-conflagration Rochester. You see it in the symbolism all throughout the book — tons of hot/cold, light/dark, day/night, sun/moon, fire/water or fire/ice pairings (lots more too). Jane’s an angry girl who grows into a person of incredibly deep faith and personal integrity, but she has to figure out that neither Rochester’s offer of bigamy/living together outside of marriage NOR St. John’s seemingly pious but ice-cold mission work jives with her understanding of God or herself. St. John is the polar opposite of Rochester, hence his appeal, but Jane has to work out that she’s her own person, not just the plaything or tool of a man, whether that man is the embodiment of fire or the embodiment of ice. The faith element matters a ton in understanding JE — St. John is SO hardcore, SO devoted, that it makes him chase martyrdom. Jane’s staring death in the face when she’s deciding whether or not to go overseas with him. So the question is not only “is Jane willing to die for God?” but “is Jane’s God the type of God who demands that?” And I think she concludes that he isn’t, that she can retain her faith and hold onto her integrity BETTER by not going on a suicide mission. But it’s a long process to figure that out.

      But also ST. JOHN IS THE WORST, GOOD GOD, “INEXORABLE AS DEATH” ISN’T EVEN THE HALF OF IT

      1. Analyst Editor*

        He is pretty terrible, haha; and I think that’s what turned me off of Jane before – like “why are you even bothering with this guy”.
        I do think that there is a certain kind of person who is very drawn by these kinds of single-minded, zealous personalities like St. John. I’ve been in those shoes (Jane’s, not St. John’s) myself so I kind of sympathize.

    8. Buni*

      For everyone enjoying this side-thread, if you haven’t already may I massively recommend you go read CB’s ‘Shirley’? A little slow to start, you have to stick through the first chapter or two, but

      1) a hero I would die for, and
      2) genuinely laugh-out-loud funny in places; includes the best chapter-heading ever:

      XVIII. Which the Genteel Read is Recommended to Skip, Low Persons being here Introduced.

  46. The Mayor*

    Take it from a credit professional, Credit Karma scores bear NO resemblance to what most lenders use. The CK scores are almost always WAY higher than true FICO, Beacon, and Classic scores; it is disappointing to borrowers to find they do not qualify for best rates, due to relying on these overstated CK scores.

    1. ThatGirl*

      It’s still a useful monitoring tool. But my CreditKarma score isn’t dramatically far off – I have scores accessible through Chase, Discover, CK and CapitalOne and they all cover a 25 pt range or so.

      1. Dan*

        It’s not that far off *for you*. These different “services” all have different algorithms for computing the scores. Keep in mind that as a credit professional, The Mayor would have seen what, hundreds, maybe thousands of these scores? And TBH, many of the rates are determined by hard FICO cutoffs, so if CK is overstating a score by 25 points and one is on the edge, one will be disappointed by not qualifying for the best rates.

        For the most part, I don’t worry about my score as a monitoring tool, it doesn’t do me that much good. I’m a heavy credit card user (pay in full each month, I do it for the point) and my score can fluctuate a lot based on how much I used my cards in a particular month.

  47. I’d like to look presentable.*

    One of yesterday’s posts got me thinking. I’d like to improve my personal presentation for video calls; I’ll be doing more of those, starting soon. I’d appreciate recommendations for lighting and sound equipment.

    1. crookedglasses*

      The biggest thing with lighting is to have a consistent type of light source. If you’re using natural light, avoid having any artificial lights on you or the space around you. You can get daylight bulbs, but ideal is to have a consistent kind of light source. That’s for the white balance (when people look very yellow or very blue, it’s almost always due to mixed light sources).

      Indirect natural light is great if you have the set up for it. Sunlight coming straight in is a bit much, but a big north facing window (if you’re in the northern hemisphere) creates beautiful light. Either way you’ll want light coming from front and possibly some additional side lighting. Some side lighting helps create shadows so you don’t just look washed out, but too much side lighting and suddenly you’ve got way too much contrast. Definitely avoid having a major light source behind you though.

      I don’t have recommendations for specific equipment, but hopefully this will help you lose effectively use what you do end up getting!

  48. Ali*

    I think I have a superficial blood clot in my leg. I’m in my early 40’s. PCP appointment on Monday. Has anyone else dealt with superficial thrombophlebitis? How worried should I be, and will I need to be making significant lifestyle changes?

      1. Ali*

        Well, I have this long bruise that sort of traveled in a c-shape line across the front of my calf over the course of a week. Went to Urgent Care, went through some tests, including an ultrasound so I know it’s not DVT, but I do have some of the precursors for thrombophlebitis. Mostly superficial b/c it’s right there on the top!

        1. A313*

          I’m glad you already got some medical attention, and really glad you got the ultrasound and know for sure it’s not a DVT. I only have experience with a DVT/PE, so I don’t really have any advice for you, but it does seem that the superficial clots are less serious. But do keep your Monday appointment!

      1. Ali*

        Thanks! Urgent Care thought it might be an atypical presentation of the Lyme rash, so for a week I went around thinking I had Lyme. Honestly, thrombophlebitis seems like an improvement! But it’s still intimidating. So far my body has only done painful annoying things to betray me. I guess now it’s at the age where it starts to do really scary things.

  49. Jurnee*

    For folks working from home, what do you think is more important with your living space? The location of where you live? Or the layout and space of your home? I’ve gone full remote, but my partner still has to work in person.

    Before COVID, he was in grad school and we moved to a tiny town. I…really hated living here. I hated my job, I hated being in a not diverse place, and I was just biding my time until he graduated. And it happened! He graduated this past month and now he has a job. We have the opportunity to move 1 hour south to the capitol, a much bigger city. It would be a 30 minute commute for him to his new job, but this is a compromise he’s willing to take since he knows how much I have wanted to live where there’s more people who look like me.

    As we look for places though, we have not found anything we truly love. We’ve looked for a month (it was too early) and now we’re about 30 days out from our lease. We’re thinking of just settling because we’re not sure if we’ll find anything we really like. One place is a great layout and has all the space we need, but there’s nothing around it. It is very car dependent on the edge of the city. Another place is not an ideal layout or space, and not really taken care of by the owner, but in a lovely neighborhood where you can walk to many places. I know come winter I will spend a lot of time inside, and this second place feels like a little dungeon. I’m also worried that the landlord doesn’t really fix things either.

    Ideally we would find something that has both location and layout, but I feel like we’re running out of time. We could go month to month here and wait it out for a place we love… or just not move at all. That’s my least favorite option though.

    So if you had to choose (in an un-ideal situation) and you’re working from home, would you choose location or the space of your home?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If it’s winter and there’s covid, what’s in the area isn’t going to matter since you’ll be stuck inside. So, the place where you’re stuck is going to matter much more.

    2. Masked Bandit*

      I’ve been struggling with this too. In “normal” times, I would chose location every single time. But now that I’m going to be home all the time, at least until January and probably after that, I would pick space. I’m living with a roommate right now, which is fine and it’s nice to have company, but I would give anything to have enough space to wall my work off from my life (an office or a corner of the living room or something). As it is, I work in my bedroom and am feeling cooped up.

      Could you stay where you are for another year and then move to the capitol? On the theory that you may not be WFH a year from now?

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Renting right, so this is not a permanent place? I say go for the space for now.

      I own my home and it really feels too large for the two of us (tho not that big) and I was searching for a small apartment in the before times – we can go out, we don’t need all this space!

      Then COVID hit and not only are we working from home and need the extra rooms for that and just for space from each other, spouse got COVID (and viral pneumonia and myocarditis) and I was able to isolate them in the front two rooms and still have one “clean” room for me. I never got it and am so grateful for the space we have that helped make that possible.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’d go for space, too. If the other place feels like a dungeon already then it’s going to be much worse when you can’t go out anywhere.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      Unless you’re worried about issues with your current landlord, I would go month to month and keep looking for a more ideal place.

      I would never again deal with a landlord that doesn’t fix things! In my first apt the landlord tried to tell me the broken furnace was “not his problem”. (!!) And your other option is still car dependent so it doesn’t sound worth the hassle of the move.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I concur with this. As much as you dislike where you are right now, it’s worth waiting until you find a place that’s the right fit. If you already see drawbacks before you’ve even moved in, these are likely going to annoy you even more over time. Having gone through this search for a place, I found that taking the time to find the place that’s truly comfortable was worth it.

    6. Jurnee*

      Thanks all for the suggestions and advice. I think what we’re going to do is go month to month and wait, unless we cave and go for the option with a lot of space but not the greatest location. At least it’s a close drive to the city! My job may go back to not being WFH (although they promised they would keep it this way, but who knows…) but I forgot to mention that I started a new job in the capitol 6 months ago. Moving down eventually would be closer to both our jobs, so we will eventually make it down here. I appreciate the advice!

    8. Bibliovore*

      There are trade offs. I am city person and walkability was extremely important to me.(and I didn’t know how to drive) I was thinking downtown (more expensive and smaller/darker etc) We compromised to further to the edge, on the bus route, 20 minute walk to public library/small grocery/cafe. Turns out- WINTER. Learned how to drive. With Covid and Winter, I am so grateful we went with light and room instead of convenience.

    9. valentine*

      If you’re definitely moving to the city and both places are there, go for the walkability, especially if there is only one car and your partner will be taking it to work. I imagine you’ll want to get out for some air and lovely brisk walks.

      Do you really only have two options, though?

  50. Fellow Traveler*

    Happy weekend!
    It’s been a week and I could use a pick me up.
    I’d love to hear your best joke! Please keep it clean, kind, and respectful!

    2. Llama face!*

      Best…or worst? I’ll let you decide:

      Mr. Snail decided to remove his shell in the hope that it would make him faster.
      Unfirtunately it only made him more sluggish.

      Mr. Snail decided to buy a sports car and have a big red S painted on the side of it.
      That way, when he drove by, people would exclaim, “Look at that S car go!”

    3. Lives in a Shoe*

      Q: What is the pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

      A: R, obviously.

      Q: You might think so, but his true love is the C.

    4. Just Another Manic Millie*

      Did you know that not all of the animals on Noah’s Ark came in pairs? The worms came in apples.

      Where was Moses when the lights went out? In the dark.

      Why were the Dark Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.

      Why is it that whenever you lose something, it’s always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking for it!

      What’s the difference between a scion, a rabbit, a bald man, and a monkey? A scion is an heir apparent. A rabbit is a hare apparent. A bald man has no hair apparent. A monkey has a hairy parent.

      How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t get down from an elephant. You get down from a duck!

      Who is the elephants’ favorite singer? Elephants Gerald.

      Why did the elephant cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.

    5. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My favorite joke doesn’t translate. But one of my old teacher’s favorites has stuck with me all these years:
      Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
      A: Hey, nice belt!

      Wishing you a wonderful weekend!

    7. Pamela Adams*

      My sister and I made up a joke in childhood- 50 years later, it still makes us laugh.

      Two penguins are sitting in the tub. One says “Hand me the soap.” The other says “What do I look like, a radio?”

      Yes, I know it makes no sense whatsoever, but I’m smiling as I type it.

    8. PollyQ*

      This is from twitter user @jazz_inmypants

      [tree falls in forest]

      [doesn’t make a sound]

      GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the–

      TREE: oh sh*t I mean AHH I FELL

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I love all of these! Just what I needed. Keep them coming!
      Here is one I heard recently:

      A duck walks into a bar and asks “Got any grapes?”
      Bartender says “No, this is a bar.”
      Next day the duck comes back, “Got any grapes?”
      Bartender says “Like I said yesterday, this is a bar. We don’t have grapes.”
      Next day the duck comes back, “Got any grapes?”
      Bartender says “I told you, we don’t have any grapes. This is a bar! If you come back one more time asking for grapes I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”
      Next day the duck comes back, “Do you have any nails?”
      Bartender, exasperated says, “No! This is a bar. I don’t have any nails!”
      Duck says, “Good. In that case, do you have any grapes?”

    10. AW*

      I think my dog is a blacksmith, he keeps trying make a bolt for the door

      I’ve just finished making a bird box, next it’s a chicken and karate

      I saw a magic tractor the other day, one minute it’s driving down the road next thing I know it’s turned into a field

      What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

      I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… well, it was just collecting dust

      Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

      I needed a password with eight characters, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

      I would tell you my joke about the fat badger, but couldn’t fit it into the set

    11. Parenthetically*

      A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like to order one…

      …beer, please.” Bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

      “Born with ’em, mate,” says the bear.

    13. gsa*

      I string goes into a bar and order a drink. The barkeep say, “We don’t serve strings here. Now get out.”

      The string goes out side, roughs up and end and ties itself in a knot, and goes back to bar and orders a drink.

      Barkeep says, “Aren’t you that string that way just in here?”.

      String says, No, I’m afraid not.” …

      1. gsa*

        After much convincing the old man went to the hearing doctor. The doctor explained to him that hearing aids would help him hear and better understand what was going on around him. Eventually the old man said yes.

        Once he got home his life was much better. He could hear the birds chirping, and the grandkids playing. He was happy.

        One morning he woke up and could not hear out of one ear. He called the doctor and told him so, and the doctor said come on in we can take a look.

        The doctor looked and said, I see something in your ear, be still I’m going to take it out. With a pair of tweezers, that pulled it out. The old man said what is it…

        The doc said it’s a suppository. The old man said I guess I know where my other hearing aid is!!!

        Told me my this morning by my Great Uncle Charles, he’s 88!!!

    15. allathian*

      Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        When he was told to stop telling stories to children and talk to the adults it was like……..”taking Gandhi from a baby!”

    16. All the cats 4 me*

      I heard Tom Hanks tell this joke on NPR (WWDTM):

      A guy’s parrot is being really obnoxious. The guy briefly puts the parrot in the freezer to ‘chill him out’ (ha ha, that’s not the joke!). Guy takes parrot out of the freezer. Parrot is super contrite, makes abject apologies and promises to behave from now on. Guy accepts. Parrot says “By the way, what did the chicken do?”.

  51. Nicki Name*

    Gardening people, I am clueless and need advice!

    There’s a section of my backyard that got taken over by a blackberry the last couple years. Now I’ve cleared it, and wondering what sort of low-maintenance ground cover I could plant there. It’s in shade most of the time, so I don’t think I can plant grass?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of vinca myself. It can spread farther than you want it to, but if you’re worried about that you can put some edging around the area. In my case I appreciate the way it’s taking over my unkempt yard {wry grin}. It’s low-growing, has glossy green leaves, and has lovely flowers (some varieties blue, some white) for part of the season.

      1. gsa*

        We have some vinca. It’s robust. It has survived for us in SE US for years. It’s kinda like ivy. Once it sets roots, you can’t kill it without chemicals or fire!!!

    2. Natalie*

      Lamium is a lovely ground cover for shade. It’s in the mint family so it’s hardy and spreads easily. And there are dozens of different color variations in both leaves and flowers you can choose from. You might see it called deadnettle.

    3. Anax*

      Hostas are easy and popular; you can mulch around them, and once established, they get pretty enormous. And there are about a million varieties, which can be fun.

      Ditch lilies / daylilies have a tendency to spread, but they’ll grow just about anywhere and have pretty flowers.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Solomon’s Seal and Bleeding Heart are not exactly ground covers, but both can handle shade. There are 2 varieties of Solomon’s Seal, I’m only familiar with “true” solomon’s seal.
      Also, daffodils can mix with vinca, and at least under deciduous trees, they seem to do well with some shade.

    5. Nicki Name*

      Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! I think I’m leaning toward vinca, but it looks like the local garden centers won’t have that or the other possibilities in spring, so I’ve got a while to do research and think it over.

  52. Cheshire Cat*

    I recently moved into a new-to-me apartment and the dishwasher smells strongly of bleach. Any suggestions on how to get the odor out?

    I ran it through 2 or 3 cycles of just hot water (no soap or anything) and then left the door open overnight. The smell seemed to be gone so I put some dishes in it, including some Tupperware glasses, and ran a normal cycle. And…everything inside smelled like bleach when the cycle finished, especially the Tupperware.

    I’ve googled it, and all I can find are directions on using bleach to clean other smells out of a dishwasher. One site suggested using baking soda and vinegar instead of bleach, so I’ve run multiple cycles with baking soda & vinegar. The bleach smell always dissipates afterwards, but it keeps coming back.

    Any ideas on how to get rid of the smell? I’ve been here for a couple of weeks and really want to find a solution.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      Is there one of those cups that holds dishwasher rinse? Maybe the previous tenant put bleach in it?

    2. Ellie Mayhem*

      I am guessing that your water is treated with a higher level of chlorine than you’re used to, and the smell is stronger in the dishwasher due to the combination of hot water and contained space.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. leave one cup right side up so it tends to collect the water and keep it. When the washing is done, take the cup out and sniff.

    3. Katefish*

      I have no idea, but I’d try asking Jolie Kerr of Ask a Clean Person and/or searching to see if she has ideas.

    4. Cheshire Cat*

      Thanks for the suggestions! I just checked the rinse container & it’s empty; and I moved to a smaller apartment in the same building so it’s not just a new place difference. I’ll look up Joie Kerr to see if she can help. Thanks again!

    5. PollyQ*

      Many dishwasher detergents contain bleach, so I’d check to see if the one you’re using does. If it does, then switching to one without it and just using that might fix the problem.

    6. Lena Clare*

      Run it through with water first, then try a wash through with just white vinegar in.
      Failing that, buying a product designed to clean out a dishwasher would be effective.

    7. valentine*

      Run it with just scented detergent, using the shorter cycle and air dry, but instead of the machine air dry, open it to air/dry out.

      You might also try a scented dishwasher cleaner.

  53. Dottie*

    I almost had a panic attack the other week and realized I’ve been too introspective lately. I was/am struggling with racing/intrusive thoughts and nightmares, so I’m now trying to read/watch things that don’t make me (self-)analyze. Does anyone have light book/tv/movie suggestions or general tips on what to do to how take it easy?!

    1. Generic Name*

      The 90s movie version of Little Women is good comfort watching. The Golden Girls is still great TV. Unlike a lot of shows from the 80s/90s, it’s aged really well. I won’t say it’s never cringeworthy, but I laugh out loud in every single episode. Just great writing. The Star Trek series (TNG, DS9, Voyager) is another show I watch when I want something comforting.

      For books, I like reading fantasy for general escapism. Basically anything in the genre of “if you liked LOTR, you’ll like this”.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        +1 for Golden Girls, it’s so lighthearted and funny and one of the few things that can take my mind off of just about anything. On Hulu, I believe.

      2. Dottie*

        I’ll try Golden Girls! I’ve also meant to watch DS9 and Voyager; wrapped up TNG last year and I do miss it. Thank you!

        1. AGD*

          People talk about DS9 being the dark one, and there’s more war and a bit more moral ambiguity, but I found that once it got going, it was warm and welcoming even so.

          1. Generic Name*

            Agreed. I love Sisko’s relationship with his son. Jake is about 13 when the show starts and it follows the father/son pair through Jake’s teenage years and into young adulthood.

    2. TX Lizard*

      I have the same issue at night. I have been reading those cheesy themed mystery novels (Key Lime Murder, Death by Dark Chocolate, etc). If I fall asleep reading it I don’t worry about losing the plot and they are fluffy enough to take my mind off things. I get them on the Axis360 library app and my library had a seemingly endless supply.

      1. Dottie*

        Wow, I don’t think I’ve read mystery novels… I’ll have to give this a shot, thank you! Also, I ❤ my library too!

    3. Stephanie*

      I’m rewatching Friday Night Lights with my husband right now. It’s like comfort food in TV form for me–and I’m not what you’d call a football fan. Parks and Rec is a great feel-good show, and it’s really funny. For light reading, I like the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evonovich. They get repetitive if you read them one after the other, but they’re great escapist, funny books on their own.
      For other things to do, I have to recommend yoga. I offer it up as a solution a lot, and it sounds kind of cliched, but it really helps me recenter and let go of anxiety and slow my mind down. Yoga with Adriene on Youtube is a great resource. She has tons of videos, and all kinds of “types” of yoga to try. Some are as short as 5 or 6 minutes, too.

      1. Dottie*

        P&R was a feel-good show indeed. Always heard of FNL so this might be the time to finally add my queue! You know I was doing light pilates earlier this year due to carpal, but I think I can take up yoga safely now. I’ll check out that Youtuber! Thanks for the input!!

    4. Jackalope*

      I’m into fantasy (as someone else mentioned) although trying to avoid the “save the world” types right now since they’re a bit tense sometimes. Armchair travelling is great and not usually too intense. I love the series Travelers’ Tales which you can often get at the library or from the internet. They have collections of stories around either a specific location or a theme. If things are really rough, their humorous collections are usually pretty light and playful. That’s what I’m using for escapism right now.

      1. Dottie*

        Nice, I’ll have to look into fantasy books. I tend to read more nonfiction, so I definitely need a bit of a palate cleanser.

        1. Jackalope*

          Don’t know what you like as far as fiction but if you want light fantasy you could try Terry Pritchett. Maurice and His Amazing Talking Rodents or the Tiffany Aching series can be good entry points. (No idea of these would be up your alley but I enjoyed them and they aren’t too heavy.)

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Consider kid lit. The Invention of Hugo Cabret is completely charming, both story and art.
          Princess Academy by Shannon Hale. (NOT the expected “princessy” book…politics & economics & cultural expectations are important. )
          Not kid lit not fantasy– “Miss Pettigrew Lives for the Day.”
          Fantasy, the Kedtigern stories by John Morressey.
          Slightly darker, try the novela Fire Watch by Connie Willis, and “to say nothing of the dog.” (Save Doomsday Book for a year when you are ready to read a tragedy again.)

    5. Knapplepi*

      I have been enjoying Ted Lasso with my family (Apple TV +). Free access to the service was the best thing that came out of my daughter’s very old phone finally dying!
      When I need to find a light-hearted book, I love just about anything from P.G. Wodehouse. The relationship between Bertie and Jeeves is very enjoyable!

      1. CTT*

        I just finished episode 6 of Ted Lasso! I am very in love with it. An episode in a sitcom about the Premier League in which there is a World War One related curse is so deeply up my alley it’s bought real estate there.

        1. Knapplepi*

          I have never been more invested in characters more quickly! The background music for Saturday morning chores is English Premier League in my household. We started watching because we love the game, but I believe now we watch because it reminds us that the world is filled with flawed people who grow and change!

    6. Anax*

      I’ve been enjoying historical sewing videos on youtube quite a lot; they’re pretty reliably cheerful and nerdy. Bernadette Banner is a good one to start there.

            1. Washi*

              I’ve just recently gotten into this little Youtube niche! Any recommendations? I’ve been enjoying Karolina Zebrowska, Elin Abrahamsson, and Prior Attire. I like Bernadette Banner and really enjoyed yesterday’s video, but some of the 40 minute sewing ones are a bit much for me. I really love when there’s both sewing and history lessons!

              1. Anax*

                Lots! :)

                Morgan Donner, Rachel Maksy, Pinsent Tailoring, Abby Cox, Sewstine, Mariah Pattie, American Duchess, and Angela Clayton have all been doing enjoyable stuff lately in the same vein. Evelyn Wood is doing some quick, basic tutorials on sewing, if terminology and best practices are interesting. And I really like Not Your Momma’s History, though her channel is a little less “cute” than the ones above – she’s Black and talks a lot about racism and black history.

                I also recommend checking costubeguide on instagram; the folks there put together a “viewing list” of videos in the niche coming out each day.

    7. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I’ve completely disconnected from current events right now and disconnected from social media. My state of mind has improved greatly.

    8. Juniper*

      I have several very reliable feel-good go-to’s for when my anxiety or depression are getting to me and I just can’t get out of my funk. These are “old” but they are wonderful: Dave, The American President, A Fish Called Wanda, Yellow Submarine (the graphics are still amazing!), and School of Rock. Also Arsenic and Old Lace! I also completely stop watching or reading the news. (I’m on week three right now.) Hard to do and I feel a little guilty, but I just can’t function when I get too far into that “the world sucks” place. After a while of the news blackout and feel-good or funny movies, I feel better. I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Juniper*

        Oh, also Gilmore Girls. Start from the beginning of the series, not with the special/movie they made recently. Also Jane the Virgin is great. It has this wonderful ironic “narrator” who shows up completely out of left field.

        1. Dottie*

          Thanks for these suggestions! I watched Jane the Virgin and loved it too. I related so much to so many aspects of it. I’m thinking I’ll have to try to unplug from news for a whole week. I already limit my reading to twice a week, but I still catch news through reddit which probably isn’t helping. lol

    9. Pam*

      I have been reading books by D.E. Stevenson, a British writer, who wrote from the 1930’s forward. Light romantic fiction.

    10. SR*

      You didn’t request podcasts, but I have to share with you this episode of This American Life, which is such a feel-good episode. I especially loved Acts 1 and 2. Google this: This American Life The Show of Delights.

        1. SR*

          I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I did! Act 2 is a recording a kindergartner who is SO excited to get to ride the schoolbus for the first time, and you cannot help but smile. The whole episode is along the theme of finding delight in everyday life.

    11. Casey*

      Whenever I’m overloaded and need something to calm me down and get me out of my head, I like to watch British panel shows (the ones with comedians, 9 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown especially) on Youtube and play Good Sudoku on my phone. The show provides noise and moving colors, and Sudoku gives me something to do with my hands and brain. I am a toddler, apparently.

  54. All the cats 4 me*

    Does anyone else feel like we are nearing or entering a major shift? Creeping climate change, social unrest (long overdue needless to say), the pandemic, polarized political stances…..

    I …. just don’t have a sense that life is going to go back to “normal” and I hasten to add that I think social change needs to happen and that I recognize there is much more that needs to change, I am thinking more about a general sort of expectation that we will “conquer” COVID and go back to how we lived in 2019.

    Maybe I read too much post-apocalyse fiction? It just doesn’t seem like we are going to pick up where we left off – being the most optimistic scenario — more that the quality of life losses are going to continue to occur incrementally, and we will adjust each time, thinking oh, things will get better, this isn’t so bad.

    1. Diahann Carroll*

      Nope. Unfortunately, I believe this is our new normal, and we’ll all just have to find some way to deal with it.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I suspect that 200 years from now historians are going to be writing a lot about this time period. Likely how dumb we were and basically made everything worse for ourselves for no good reason.

      Maybe you should switch to reading about history, rather than post-apocalyptical fiction. Because yes, there are times where things do get pretty bad. I’m pretty sure the people of Rome were not exactly living well when the Roman Empire fell. France didn’t have a good time during or after the French Revolution. The bubonic plague led to extreme social and political upheaval, plus there was the death of 1/3 or more of the population (estimates vary). Nazi Germany went to a pretty dark place and killed millions of innocents because they had the misfortune to be the wrong religion or be disabled, plus there was the whole WWII which killed and destroyed a lot. Things do eventually get better. It may not be measured in a few years, but the arc of history is long.

    4. Lemon Curdle*

      I don’t really understand all of your post, but I don’t think we can or should pick up where we left off. The new normal needs to be better.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      I get you. Are we frogs in hot water, too senseless to jump out (and where would we go?)?
      I struggle with this too and think, what choice do we have but to keep moving forward with kindness, empathy, and hope? I just put one foot in front of the other.
      I had a kind of sinking feeling about 1 year ago, it was like, my life is so good, am I really appreciating it before it all falls apart? So I also focus on what I am grateful for right now.
      And it is too late, the post-apocalyptic fiction I already read is still in my head! But I am not reading more of it.

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        Yes, this! The water keeps getting hotter and we say, gosh, isn’t it warm? Somebody should do something! Yeah and I read it is going to be even hotter tomorrow. Nah, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

        1. Jackalope*

          But how? That’s my problem. How can we take practical steps to make things better? I feel like everything I’ve tried that’s not on an extreme micro level is just screaming into the void rather than changing things.

          1. ampersand*

            Not sure this is the answer you want but: I’m not sure we (as in you and me and other commenters here) *can* do much to influence change. I mean we can keep doing the usual stuff, like recycling and trying to decrease emissions (WRT climate change, though what I’ve read about recycling lately is pretty dismal), but it’s going to take a collective world-wide effort that just isn’t happening at the moment. And we can vote to put people in charge who support these things, but politics are screwy and it’s not a given that will work (and if you’re in the US…sigh). So, I don’t know what we do. Sorry, this is more depressing than I intended. :-/

          2. Not So NewReader*

            My suggestion is to put extra care into yourself and extra thoughtfulness into others.

            Unlike any other time in my life, everyone is feeling shaky all at the same time. This means we can probably give someone an extra minute of our time and they will probably really appreciate it.

          3. Generic Name*

            The biggest thing you can do to enact change is vote. Especially local elections in off (non presidential election) years. The school board, county commissioner, and city council will have the biggest impact on your day to day life.

            2. pancakes*

              And consider getting involved in local mutual aid. People looking after one another’s well-being is a rare thing: radical, pragmatic, and uplifting.

          4. Analyst Editor*

            By being the best person you can, improving yourself, and radiating your positive influence to those whose live you touch, through personal example and generosity.
            I believe that’s the only way.

    6. SSO Woes*

      I’m totally with you. My partner thinks I’m being dramatic. We have a lot of very frustrating conversations lol.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I too love post-apoc literature and movies and I’ve had to dial it back lately. News too, which was starting to resemble the literature. I realized it was becoming like the time I watched a submarine thriller movie while on an airplane – a bad idea to double down on the situation!

      However, there is no reason to think ‘the new normal’ can’t be a better normal once effective treatments/management/vaccine come along for this in the next 6-12 months. Was the old normal really that sustainable? Would people have returned to recognizing the value of personal connections, of community, of making the most of life knowing it can change in an instant? I know quite a few people reevaluating lives/changing jobs/taking on new challenges because they realized they were just sleepwalking before.

      1. Teal*

        I’ve had similar, if not the same, thoughts as OP but hadn’t really thought of the potential for something better. I’ve had fleeting thoughts, esp when seeing the call for (true) racial equality and justice, that hey…other people want to make the future better!

        Anyway, this is my long winded way of saying, thanks for the reminder!

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I definitely don’t think it can ever go back to “normal”. Too much has changed, and we have a combination of people realising things that have been happening all along that they weren’t aware of, and people determined to ignore reality. And it’s not always clear which is which. But that reality is hitting us fast, and we will have no choice but to deal with it.

      My only hope is that we are able to somehow take this opportunity to improve the future, rather than continuing the spiral into chaos and destruction. I’m not optimistic but there are a few encouraging signs out there.

    9. Analyst Editor*

      I don’t think we will go back to normal, as we understood it even a year ago, because I really believe the state we are in now – and this is not confined to just the US – is the logical consequence of certain bad decisions, shortcuts taken, and responsibilities neglected for the last couple of decades. Much is unsustainable, so it must fail; my only hope is it will do so with only a moderate amount of chaos, not much violence, and not much widespread catastrophe.
      But I do believe that there is absolutely, fundamentally, no such thing as a free lunch, and that anything – anything at all- founded somehow upon the denial of reality must eventually fall prey to that reality – either gradually in an ordered, deliberate, and foresighted way, or chaotically and with a lot of nasty collateral damage. I think we are in a period like that now, of equilibration, for good or ill.

    10. eez whiz*

      I’m feeling this so hard right now. BTW I’m assuming you’re in the US like me. It’s become clear to me (over the past few years and especially this year) how many of our systems and establishments need massive overhauls, yet it seems like even under the best conditions all we can hope for is incremental change. And many of those hard-won changes are now being threatened or actively dismantled (climate protection, LGBTQ rights, the affordable care act, abortion rights, voting rights, our democracy in general). It’s truly overwhelming to think about, but I can’t seem to shift my focus anywhere else. Most of the time I can manage my feelings about it, but today I’m creeping closer to despair.

      The election is going to be a shit show, but it’ll be a turning point one way or the other. The only bright side I can find is that people who were complacent before (myself included) are starting to tune in a lot more to this stuff. And once that veil is lifted it’s hard to unsee how bad it is.

      This turned into a real downer of a post, sorry. Just trying to commiserate because talking about it helps me process.

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        I am in Canada, but the US and UK situations are part of me feeling like the water in the bowl is starting to move in a clockwise direction.

    11. 653-CXK*

      I think there will be a lot of plus ça change, plus ça le meme chose despite all of the things that have happened in 2020.

      Politics: no matter who comes or goes in Washington, there will always be power struggles, corruption, featherbedding, etc. It doesn’t matter what the letter is after their name, politicians are always in it for themselves and their well-moneyed contributors, and very few for their constituents.

      COVID-19: The “holy grail” is the vaccine that mitigates or eradicates COVID-19, one that politicians promise the moon and stars that once it happens, we can get rid of our masks, but COVID-19 will still exist in one form or another. People will still complain that it’s a [fill in anti-pandemic screeds here], while others will freak out when someone’s COVID-19 health maintenance is not as rigidly perfect as theirs (and the delicious irony – after all that painstaking effort, they get COVID-19)

      Social unrest: There will be ebbs and flows, with incidents raising ire and fury until someone points out the truth or some other injustice for people to agitate against, with the previous injustice forgotten or swept under the rug.

      Will we return to the halcyon times of 2019? Maybe, and maybe not. There is no such thing as a normal, never mind a new normal. We base our quality of life on our own circumstances, not on an artificial check list – all we have to do is adapt to these changes; if the adaptations improve our circumstances, all the better. Conversely, healthy skepticism, anxiety, and a reluctance to jump on the bandwagon is completely understandable until you get all of the facts.

      tl;dr version: Even with things going on as there are, nothing will really change.

    12. knead me seymour*

      I really had to cut back on post-apocalyptic fiction because I think it subtly instils a kind of defeatist attitude toward the world. I hear tons of people say “well, the apocalypse is here now” when things take a downward turn, and I realize that’s a joke, but I don’t really think it’s a coincidence that most works of fiction about the future are either essentially the same as now or much worse. Doesn’t leave much room to hope for better things.

      Times are extremely hard right now. But times of change and upheaval are also times of great opportunity. It’s easy to feel helpless but we actually do have a lot of power to change the systems that are causing damage, through social organization, creativity and community. Those stories are just not always given prominence because they go against the status quo. Maybe this comes across as hopelessly optimistic, but I think the stories we tell ourselves and each other about what is within our power to change can be incredibly meaningful.

    13. Esmeralda*

      Agree with you, and I don’t read post-apocalyptic fiction. Can’t talk about it with family or friends, especially not my husband as he is already really shaken by global, national, and personal events.

      Yet I don’t feel sad or depressed. I’m an optimistic person, but also rational and analytical. There are actions I can take towards making things better. And there is a lot out of my control, so I let those things go.

      My child suffers from a rare, slow-growing pediatric cancer, which took many years to get under control — and can start back up at any time,”under control” is relative and contingent. So I learned to accept lack of control, a very hard lesson. And I also feel, anything else besides that is just not as bad — it’s the worst thing ever for me, so other thigns seem bearable.

  55. Courageous cat*

    For those following my treatment-resistant depression saga, I started the ketamine a couple days ago! It went really well, the experience was not super overwhelming or crazy by any means, and I’m looking forward to doing it regularly. Apparently with the nasal spray, the effects can still take a couple weeks to kick in, like a traditional antidepressant.

    What was horrible though was the DRIP. Super super bitter and persistent as all hell. I downed an entire bottle of water (and subsequently peed like 5 times while under the influence which was fun) but it didn’t seem to help. Does anyone who use a nose spray regularly have any recommendations of how to ameliorate that? Should I put my head in a different position rather than completely upright?

    1. PollyQ*

      Maybe a drink with a little acidity would help, e.g., tea, lemonade, or 7up? If that doesn’t work, another tactic would be something with some fat, like milk, which works on spicy food.

      1. Courageous cat*

        That’s not a bad idea, I may try chocolate milk first actually because I think its thickness may have a better chance of getting it down faster. Thanks!

    2. Double A*

      I’m sorry if you posted this before, but would you be willing to share what some of the conversations with your providers were to move toward this treatment? My husband’s treatment is barely maintaining baseline but he has pretty terrible psychiatrist who I can’t imagine would be open to trying anything other than bog standard treatment. We’ve paid out of pocket for out of network care but that guy also didn’t seem interested in anything more than tinkering around the edges.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I wouldn’t waste much time trying to convince current psychiatrist. Google ketamine clinic + your city and switch to someone who already prescribes it. They’re few and far between, but they are out there.

  56. Should I get rid of this?*

    I have 2 glass mugs with my grade/ middle/ high school mascot with the name of the school district, mascot image, and years (1988 – 1990).

    The mascot is similar to Washington dc’s football team’s former name.

    Should I get rid of them? Keep them? The mascot never sat well with me. But I have almost nothing from the town I grew up in so nostalgia. I’ve not used them in at least 10 years. I’m packing to move so now is kinda good time to purge things.

    1. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      If they don’t add happiness to your life, you should not keep them. Doesn’t sound like they do. If you get rid of them, will anyone but you know? Is anyone going to ask where they are?

    2. Lemon Curdle*

      Do you need things from the town where you grew up? Might be a cultural difference but where I’m from (UK) that’s not really a thing so it wouldn’t be a reason to keep something.

      I would say a Kondo-style thanks and donate or recycle them.

    3. Not A Manager*

      You don’t have to airbrush out every ambiguous memory from your past. This was the team, that was its name. You can keep the objects if they are meaningful to you, even if that meaning isn’t 100% positive.

    4. Generic Name*

      Do you *want* to keep them? Do they bring you happy memories and make you smile, or do they make you cringe? The fact that you haven’t used them in a decade says a lot.

    5. Brightwanderer*

      If you’re not hugely attached to the mugs themselves for their own sake, could you get rid of them and then see if you can pick up some other bit of memorabilia from that time and place? There’s bound to be Craigslist or local ads or Facebook groups or something where someone might have some bit of school stuff kicking around. You might even be able to swap them.

      But if you are actually attached to the mugs, even if you don’t use them, then keep them. You know what the problems with the mascot are and you’re not waving them in the faces of your guests and complaining about how politically correct everything is these days, right? If they make you smile when you come across them, and if you think they still will in another 10 years, that’s a perfectly good reason to keep them.

    6. LGC*

      That’s…tough. I’m not equipped to tell you how to feel about this, but:

      1) Part of the reason that the WFT’s former mascot was so problematic was that it was displayed proudly, and concerns brought up by Native Americans about the name were dismissed. (Also the large amounts of money generated from merchandise with a racial slur on it, but that’s not relevant to you. Also the fact that it’s a slur, which might be relevant – but there are SO MANY variations on Native American mascots I’ve seen.)

      2) You’re also visibly uncomfortable with the name, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

      3) But they’re also mementos of your hometown, and you do want to keep those memories. And that’s not bad either.

      If I were you, I’d probably just hold onto them as keepsakes and not display them. But I’m a notorious hoarder. So…I don’t think getting rid of them is a bad idea, actually. I feel like whatever you do – short of putting them out in your new home – is the right choice.

    7. Purt’s Peas*

      I say toss them. I come from a town that had a similarly racist mascot, and went through an intense political fight in changing it. Through all that I was thinking: what would I feel if the mascot was a caricature of my ethnicity? That helps remove the veils of normalcy and nostalgia.

      Would I feel ok going into someone’s house and seeing that someone kept nostalgic memorabilia with an antisemitic mascot caricature? A jokey picture of a Jewish banker? I’d understand the value it had to them, I guess, but I wouldn’t feel good or comfortable about that person.

      I also think that nostalgia is a weak reason for something—fine on its own but should usually lose in opposition to another reason. These mascots are dehumanizing, trivializing images of people upon whom the US has visited waves and waves of genocide. I really don’t think it’s worth keeping these.

  57. SSO Woes*

    I got married almost two years ago. I’m an expert procrastinator, and had quite a lot of instability in our first two years of marriage (life, not relationship) so am just now getting around to changing my name. The Social Security Office is closed for in-person appointments since March, so I submitted the required paperwork by mail.

    I am keeping my maiden name and hyphenating with my partner’s name, so my new last name is Mulberry-Wordsworth. This is the name on my marriage license and the name I wrote on the paperwork.

    So the first social security card had my last name listed as Cynthia Helen Mulberry-Wordswort. Clearly missing the last letter of my name. I called the local social security office to ask what to do. They basically told me I need to resubmit the paperwork and that’s all I could so. (FWIW my real last name, with the last letter missing is actually a more common last name than my actual name, but it’s not unheard of with my spelling).

    So I resubmitted the identical paperwork. I included a cover letter emphasizing the correct spelling of my last name. Now I’ve received a new social security card listing my name as Cynthia Helen Mulberry Wordsworth. No hyphen. My marriage license has a hyphen.

    Will this prevent me from changing my name to Mulberry-Wordsworth with other documentation? I really don’t want to submit this paperwork for the *third* time only to wonder what incorrect variation they will use this time. You can only get replacements 10x in your life and 3x in one year. I haven’t called yet because the person who I talked to before was not helpful at all and got an attitude when I (politely) inquired if they could determine how the first error was made. And I’m a millennial who hates phone calls.

    Any advice for (i) whether this will matter or (ii) dealing with the SSO would be accepted with gratitude. :)

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My husband just changed his name to mine so I’m familiar with the process. I think there’s a decent chance that if you go to the DMV with your marriage license, it’ll be fine. I could be wrong — but it could be worth a try if you don’t want to deal with SS again. That said, in my state DMV is appointment-only right now, and appointments are running several months out. If that’s the case, you might as well have SS redo it since you’ll be waiting for your DMV appointment anyway.

      I also think you could call SS and ask them to reissue this without counting it against your limit since they’ve made mistakes twice.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Name changes don’t count against your lifetime allotment of replacement cards, that’s only if you straight up lose it and need a new one. So you’re still okay.

      I’ve changed my name six times, and the social security office got my name wrong on the last go-round too. I was going from Firstname Middlename Maidenname Oldname (where Middlename and Maidenname were both legal middle names and Oldname was my last name) to Firstname Middlename Maidenname-Marriedname (where Maidenname got hyphenated with my new husband’s last name and I was back down to one middle name). They left Maidenname as a second middle name and Marriedname as my only last name, despite the paperwork and me all being Really Really Specific about what it should be, and I had to go into the social security office to get it fixed.

      In my state, the BMV wouldn’t give me my hyphen on my driver license unless the hyphen was on the social security letter/card, unfortunately. Additionally, if your name on your income tax paperwork (1040 or similar) doesn’t match what the social security office has *exactly*, the IRS will pitch a tantrum and your tax filing will be delayed and get flagged for issues. (I’ve had that one happen before too.)

    3. valentine*

      Call them, but don’t ask how the error occurred. For all they know, you want to make a Thing of it. Focus on correcting it and wanting all your documents to match.

    4. SSO Woes*

      Thank you all! I called this morning and (after having to call back 3 times) spoke with a nice woman who said I could fax the paperwork and she would make the correction.

  58. Summersun*

    Newbie to smart phones here, is there a known best kind/brand of protective case? Or does it depend on the phone model? I’ve read good things about Otterbox, but from what I can tell they don’t have a front cover, and I want 360 degree protection. I have a Moto G Power phone.

    1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I always buy a glass screen protector, and then I am less worried about it. I have a Moto G8 plus and so far I’ve just used the case that it came with, although I’m rarely leaving the house these days so it isn’t in much danger. In the past I have bought various cheap flip cases from ebay and they worked well enough for keeping my phone in good shape even though I was taking it out on a construction site every day.

    2. Caterpie*

      My Lifeproof case has been going strong for 3 years. The rubber has started peeling but structurally its about 80% there. It has kept my phone completely safe through multiple ‘hard’ drops.

      I have a phone with a curved screen (which is hard to protect) and I use it a lot, so I’m very impressed with its performance.

    3. PollyQ*

      I’ve been very happy with my Tech21 case for my iPhone, although it doesn’t have a front cover. I did get a stick-on screen protector when I bought the phone, and I’ve also been very happy with that, but I don’t remember the brand.

    4. Aza*

      I have otterbox. I’m hard on phones. Otterbox (I think the series I have is called the defender) does have a front clear part.

      My strategy is to typically get an extra layer of glass (or whatever it’s called) put on my screen by a phone repair place, use the otterbox, and also purchase a water resistant phone.

      I tried out a lifeproof because I preferred the color options but I was really hard to hear (according to my spouse) on calls so I ultimately returned it for an otterbox. I’ve purchased them for 2 phones now.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      I think I’m pretty hard on phones but I stopped using a screen protector at all, my phone is fine.
      I like otter box.

    6. Diahann Carroll*

      I have an Otterbox case on my work phone and a casemate box on my person phone, neither has a glass cover (just the plastic thing to keep finger smudges off the glass), and I drop my phones all the time – the phones don’t have a single crack. And I’ve dropped these phones on their faces many times, yet my screens have no cracks or scratches in them at all.

    7. KR*

      Lifeproof is my go-to. It’s expensive (50-100) but it works. I just upgraded phones – had my phone 2 and a half years and it in mint condition. Completely waterproof and feels good in the hand.

    8. Generic Name*

      I love otter box. I think they’re made here in the US. At least the company HQ is in Fort Collins and there’s a distribution center there too.

    9. SR*

      Otterbox has worked great for me for iPhones. I drop phones all. the. time., and I’ve *never* damaged a phone or cracked a screen. It doesn’t have a screen protector, but the lip protrudes out a bit in front of the screen so it does protect it. And it does a good job of this.

    10. lady gamer or something*

      I had an Otterbox Defender with front cover for my first phone, a custom Tough Case from Redbubble for my second phone, and I’m using some no-name case for my current phone. Imo, I like when the cases have both a rubbery and a hard layer. Additionally, having a “lip” over the front all around the edge of the phone is a must. Although my current case isn’t a name brand case, it has both of these features and my phone has survived many drops and other mishaps with nary a scratch or crack.
      My friends who tried to use my phone with the Otterbox Defender always complained that it was hard to do anything because the built-in screen protector didn’t let the phone detect their touches, but I never had a problem, personally.

  59. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    Anyone ever used contact paper (or sticky back plastic as they call it here) to cover furniture?

    I have an ugly cheap fake wood filing cabinet, the kind that is MDF with a plastic-y finish on it, that I would like to be better looking. Paint seems like it might not be very successful but yesterday I was looking at the Wilko website (kind of like Target but only for household stuff) and saw that they have contact paper designed for covering things like kitchen counters and tables that seems ideal. Anyone ever actually tried it?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’ve used Con-Tact paper in the past – it’s definitely a quick and relatively cheap way to cover something. Might do better on the sides of a cabinet than the top, as it’s easily damaged by anything sharp or hot. (Or put it on top but add a layer of clear plastic or glass, if you want to use the top as a working or storage surface.) Since it’s hard to remove without leaving gum residue or pulling bits of the surface off with it, I wouldn’t use it on anything nice, but for covering the ugly-cheap-fake-wood it should be fine. [Reminders of my college days – and a decade or so thereafter – when much of my own furniture was of that kind!]

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      A couple of years ago I decoupaged the top and front of a dresser, and it was pretty easy even for me (I am not a crafty person). I used Mod-Podge and some sheets of wrapping paper cut to size. It’s held up very well. I found it easier than contact paper, which I have used on shelves and find to be a pain because I can never get it straight and it’s a bear to reposition.

    3. Double A*

      I think it would work, but if you want to paint priming it first would probably help!

      I haven’t covered the outside of furniture with contact paper but have definitely used it to line drawers and the like. Works well on MDF.

      1. A313*

        Speaking of painting, sanding the plastic-y finish first, and then priming, might also help. I always had trouble with contact paper, getting it smoothed out without bubbles. But I can be impatient, so I probably could have done better.

    4. Elf*

      Contact paper works great IF two competent people are working together. Doing a nice job absolutely requires more than 2 hands, but Ive had great results working with my mother or husband

    5. Queen Mab's friend*

      Yes, I have! I recently covered an ugly rotting piece of wooden counter (as a stopgap until I can replace it) with “distressed wood” contact paper I got on Amazon from a company called EeeComing. I wish I could share a picture, it looks so good! At a casual glance it looks real, and though it’s next to the sink and gets splashed/dishes put down on it, it is holding up perfectly after a couple of months. And I did it alone without trouble, just read the instructions and went slow. Sounds like you have little to lose; good luck with the project!

  60. Trixie*

    Struggling with my washer and dryer this weekend. Not collecting lint/pet hair and unsure where the problem is. I keep the lint trap clear but know it can be collecting outside what I can reach. For the washer, looking at plastic pieces that appear to collect lint/pet hair in the wash cycle? I also know some fabrics just hold on to lint and it’s difficult to really clean. One blanket is destined to always have pet hair, apparently.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I have used one of those lint rollers to remove the bulk of it before the blanket (black pants, whatever) goes in.

      My LG front loader has a filter – had to clean it when a foam rug exploded. There’s a you-tube video on how to get to it. I probably need to take a look myself….

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      So for the dryer, you should try disconnecting and cleaning out the dryer vent on the back. My dryer I can unscrew the front bottom and vaccum out as needed, but my dryer is also 30 years old.

      I would pull out the manuals for yours, or find them online and see what they say about cleaning. Sometimes washers have a sneaky lint trap spot.

    3. Casey*

      Our household has 3 Golden Retrievers and 2 long-haired cats, so trust me when I say we’ve run into the pet fur issue.

      My mom ended up getting these things called FurZappers, which you can throw into your washer and/or dryer with a load of laundry. They’re just the tiniest bit sticky, and there’s probably some more physics and chemistry involved there, but they collect nearly all of the hair!

  61. GinnyDC*

    Any multi-dog households out there? I have two cats and just adopted a dog from the shelter. She (the dog) seems lonely–she keeps jumping the fence to visit the neighbors’ dog!–so I’m thinking about getting a second dog to keep her company. Any advice, suggestions, ideas regarding introducing a second dog into a dog and cat household?

    1. Aza*

      We have one! We’ve gone through this transition twice.

      Make sure to introduce the dogs (no cat experience here) in a neutral location- the shelter can help with this. Both times for us the first day or two was hell (with our original dog freaking out with excitement/being an a hole), and then they chilled out.

      A trainer recommended feeding them 2x a day, and not leaving the food down, because even if you don’t see it there’s food stress if it’s down.

      Our biggest struggle with our second dog (both times) was getting them to go potty outside. The first one never fully did, mainly due to medical issues. The second second dog, we eventually had to crate her at night, and did a lot of letting her out with our first dog (off leash- we have an invisible fence) and it seems like he showed her the ropes. When we tried walking her she just wouldn’t go.

      In my experience having a dog that’s the opposite sex of the one you already have is an easier transition.

      Our new dog also struggled a lot with separation anxiety (chewing drywall when we left during the first week!). For that the trainer recommended hand feeding her all her food for a week or two. We still crate her when we leave, which is much less now!

      Both times we got a second, we were so amazed by how much happier it made our first dog to have canine companionship.

      And finally, keep in mind the adjustment period- the trainer said3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months- things are cray the first 3 days, a little better after 3 weeks, and by 3 months the dog has fully adjusted.

      Good luck!!!!

      1. GinnyDC*

        Thanks! This is really helpful! We always had multiple dogs and cats growing up but they were usually related (moms & pups or two pups from the same litter). This would be my first time trying to integrate dogs that don’t know each other, and I am just a little concerned.

        Follow-up question … did you take a class with a trainer? have one come to your house? send the dog away for training? The last dog I had trained I sent away for two weeks of training with a trainer, which was great. But it was expensive.

        1. Aza*

          We did one session with a trainer who came to our house. It was mainly because of the separation anxiety/sheetrock chewing hell in the first week. I basically asked the vet for his recommendations and he gave us the name of the trainer. I wouldn’t say it was life changing, but a lot of simple things that we do use (for example, new dog was chewing a lot of things, and trainer suggested relocating the dog toy box from the corner of the room to somewhere more central- it didn’t eliminate the chewing but she def used the toys more after). The session was $130.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          As with everything else, there are now Zoom options for dog training as well, so you can look out of your immediate neighborhood without traveling.

      2. Nines*

        Hand feeding can help with separation anxiety?!? We got a new dog relatively recently and his separation anxiety when I leave is getting worse.

        1. Aza*

          She recommended it to help build the dog’s confidence. She described it as showing them that you’re going to provide for all of their needs. Who knows if it actually worked! It’s definitely weird at first but the dogs seem to really enjoy it. It’s not something we kept up long-term, just for the first week or two, since it took a fair amount of time, and our pre-quar schedule was especially crazy (got dog in late January).

          She also recommended putting her in the crate with some peanut butter in her kong- something about licking calming them down. She also recommended food puzzle toys, and something called a licki may, basically a big flat mat that you smear with peanut butter that it takes them awhile to get off.

          And she recommended always feeding her in her crate, to make it a happy place, since she originally didn’t want to go in it. That does seem to have worked.
          We’ve kept putting her in the crate when away- I tried leaving her out once a few months ago and she didn’t chew the wall but did chew a foam pillow.

          Our other dog isn’t crated, so it was a new thing to learn.

        2. Dog and cat fosterer*

          Crate training is the best way forward to give them a safe space and keep them from hurting themselves or destroying the home. It takes time and effort to get them used to the crate and comfortable with you leaving. Feeding from the hands builds a good relationship between you, and ideally you make them work for the kibble with training (sit, stay, down, etc) which exercises the brain and tires them out. Walks are also important with separation anxiety, again to tire them out. Also good to break the departure ritual, so they shouldn’t see you getting ready to leave especially if they get a lot of attention right before you leave. Instead you might put the crate in a quiet part of the home (and train them to spend short bits of time in there while you are home) and give them a frozen kong filled with their kibbles and a bit of peanut butter, and then just quietly walk away from them without a word. I put a sheet over the crate so they don’t see me leave.

          Separation anxiety is the hardest thing I deal with as a foster.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have two – adopted the second one as an 8 week puppy when the first one was almost seven. For me, introducing a puppy was super easy mode – my older dog doesn’t really like other adult dogs but she loves puppies, so it took all of three seconds before she was wearing this one as a hat. (Literally. I have pictures, it’s a RIOT.) They are now 6 and almost 13.

      We added two cats later – the older dog didn’t bat an eyelash because she’d been around them all her life (and in fact had her own kitten when she was younger, she’d tuck her nose into his belly and zoom him around the hardwood floors, but he was born FIV+ and didn’t make it very long) but the younger one, who is a sighthound, took some work, mostly just limiting her exposure (the cats had their own room that they stayed in) and very close supervision when they were together. Now, the cats are also almost 6 and one of them avoids the dogs unless they’re in my husband’s office (which is sort of her turf), and the other one thinks she IS a dog and likes to play.

    3. Generic Name*

      We had 2 for a while. My husband likes to have an overlap with an old dog and a puppy so the older dog can help train puppy. We also have 2 cats. Really, the only downside for us was fitting the 2 dogs, plus 2 adults and a child, plus gear for camping in my small SUV.

    4. Natalie*

      We have two and I mainly enjoy it.

      But in your position, I would hold off for a bit – you just got this dog and they’re still adjusting, so you’re not necessarily seeing their real personality. It’s also easier to train one dog at a time.

      If you have any friends with well behaved, friendly dogs and a fenced yard, you can always set up some play dates. And you can stand 6 feet apart from your friend and catch up.

      1. Dog and cat fosterer*

        Yes, I would wait 3 months. As mentioned above, that’s a good period of time for the dog to feel like your place is their home, and agreed that training two dogs at the same time can be a huge amount of work.

  62. Need food advice*

    Does anyone have ideas to make it easier to eat? What do you do to prioritize eating? Or perhaps rather cooking. I am not anorexic, I am not focused on my weight, I am just too tired to cook. Workdays (not wfh) are usually fine, I eat breakfast and lunch, but too tired to really make dinner perhaps half of the days. Days off are worse, sometimes I only eat breakfast and snacks. I am worried and don’t know quite what to do to motivate myself. I don’t need to loose weight, I am 5 feet and weigh perhaps around 105 pounds (I am not sure, I haven’t weighed myself in ages, not entirely sure where the weight scale even is..)

    2. GoryDetails*

      I run into this too, and with no excuse re available time – it’s just easier to skip a meal or fall back on a bag of chips. What I’m trying to do is more meal-planning and prep; there’s more energy setting it up, but once I have a week’s worth of portions on hand it’s much easier to just crack open the next container. I do tend to rely on single-dish meals – stews and casseroles, for example – which can be frozen in individual servings, but I covet some of the nicer bento-box-style containers that encourage two or three dishes in meal-sized portions.

      Preparing individual portions of yogurt, raw or cooked vegetables, fresh or dried fruits, cheeses, and meats can be pretty quick, and can be balanced according to taste. [Easier said than done, if you’re having trouble getting motivated at all, but if there’s a good time every few days or a week, when energy’s up and the mood’s right, you can prep a nice variety.]

      1. Need food advice*

        Thanks! Yeah, I should try to do meals and days off and then freeze. I hadn’t even thought of youghurt but that is easy. Sometimes I do just eat some slices of cheese. Dried abricots as well. Thanks for the advice :)

    3. All the cats 4 me*

      I try to to make double amounts, when I do feel like cooking, and put half in the freezer for those days when cat food seems like the easiest option. Examples: chili, curry/rice, stew, roasted veg/chicken, soup, pasta (stir in some chopped veg when hot)….

      I firmly believe that having homemade soup, in meal sized portions, in the freezer is like having money in the bank. Defrost, heat to boiling, pour over fresh spinach (or other leafy green) in a bowl, piece of toast or some crackers, some fruit for dessert and you are done!

      If you are interested in some simple soups that freeze well, I would be happy to write down a few for you?

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        Oh, and some people swear by the crock-pot. It has never worked for me, cause it just shifts the meal prep to first thing in the day instead of after work, but many love it.

      2. Need food advice*

        Oh, I love that belief! Please do write some down :) :) Thank you very much! (I had never heard about pouring soup over greens but it is worth trying!)

        2. All the cats 4 me*

          Potato cheese soup
          This one is from The Silver Palate Cookbook and is one of my go-to soups. Pick a pot you want to fill with soup. Melt butter (a soup spoonful or so) or add oil. Chop onions and grate (or chop) carrots to fill the bottom of the pot. I like lots of carrots so I usually use one onion and about 8-10 carrots in a pot that holds ummm…. 6-ish liters?). Add onions and carrots to pot on top of butter or oil and cook at a fairly low temp until they are really soft. I sometimes add a splash of broth at this point just to keep the veg from burning if I get distracted. Meanwhile, peel enough potatoes to fill the pot to about 1 inch below the rim (or just wash them if you have new or thin skinned potatoes) and cut into pieces (the smaller you cut them, the more potatoes will fit in the pot and the thicker will be your soup, so its up to you). When the carrots and onions are nicely soft and maybe a little golden, add the potatoes and add broth to cover, bring to a boil and then simmer until the potatoes are cooked. I use Campbell’s chicken broth, no reason why you can’t use veg broth or your favorite brand. Grate some cheese – whatever you have on hand or like (except probably not blue cheese or other stinky kinds!) – you’ll want at least a cup. I put lots of cheese in – I keep tasting it until I think it’s cheesy enough! If you have an immersion blender, take the pot off the stove and while the soup is still warm (careful with the immersion blender – it’s easy to splash the soup everywhere), blend in the potatoes while adding the cheese. You can do this step with a blender or food processor (fish out the potatoes and add just enough of the broth to allow the blender/processor to blend them – care is needed to avoid burns! Cover the lid with a kitchen towel to prevent accidents). Or use a potato masher, and whisk in the cheese after. Done! I like to eat it with Red Hot sauce or Korean chili paste. This soup is excellent to freeze – it will look like it has curdled or split when you defrost it but give it a good stir and it’ll look fine.
          Options
          – Add chopped broccoli and/or cauliflower to the pot just before the potatoes are done so the broccoli cooks, then you have broccoli/cauliflower cheese soup
          – Add curry flavor to the carrots and onions (paste or powder)
          – Pour soup over
          o Chopped ham, chopped sausage (deli or precooked) or bacon…
          o Leafy greens – spinach, kale

        3. All the cats 4 me*

          Sausage Lentil Soup – I picked up this recipe from Epicurious years ago
          Pick your pot; add butter or oil, then chopped carrots and onions. (If you are a celery lover, you can put that in too, but please don’t ask me over for supper! ). Cook till soft, stirring as needed. If your sausage is raw, add to the pot and cook (loose or in bite size slices), try to get some yummy brownness happening in this stage (I would recommend a non-sweet sausage for this soup, and even a spicy one if you like spice). Add broth (and pre-cooked sausage slices if using) to about ¾ of the height of the pot, add lentils – they’ll about double in size so if you want a thin soup, try ½ to 1 cup of lentils, or more if you like thick soup. Add a couple of spoonfuls of tomato paste or if you have a tomato or two hanging around the kitchen, it can be chopped up to go in with the lentils. If you like bay leaves, put some in at this stage. Cook till lentils are done. I like to chop up green beans and add them at the end to cook, along with spinach (or I pour it over spinach in the bowl). I use this soup to use up the vegetable drawer odds and ends. Adding a couple of tablespoons of red wine vinegar to the pot before serving gives it a nice bump.

        4. All the cats 4 me*

          Taco Soup
          Brown ground beef in your soup pot – the more brown-ness happening here, the better the soup will be! If you there is a lot of fat in the hamburger you can drain some of it off at this point. When brown add chopped onions and carrots (and celery, if you must) and cook till soft (add a little broth if necessary to keep from burning). Add your favorite taco seasoning (I really like Victoria Gourmet’s Smoky Paprika Chipotle Seasoning, but you can use chili powder, ground cumin, ground coriander, paprika, garlic – what ever you like). Pour in a big can of chopped tomatoes and some broth – more or less depending on how thick you like soup. If you want beans or rice in your soup add now if they are raw then simmer till cooked. At this point I start to clean out the vegetable bin (sweet peppers, green beans, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, peas, corn) and add them. Grate some cheese (anything but a stinky cheese works fine), stir into the hot soup. If you want to add cooked rice or cooked beans (or canned), add them now. Delicious as is, or top with sour cream, chopped green onions, grated cheese.

      3. slmrlln*

        I do this too, having easy-to-reheat food in the freezer is my backup for when there isn’t time or energy for making dinner. I buy certain things (frozen tamales, frozen buns from the Chinese grocery store) and cook extra portions of other things. Potatoes and pasta do not freeze well, but rice and bread do. Most soups, chilis, and curries reheat well, especially if you freeze them in one-meal portions. My go-to is red lentil soup, and my husband makes a curry with paneer and peas. My comfort food is lasagna, so I usually keep a few servings of that in the freezer too. It takes a little longer in the microwave but it’s worth it on a bad day.

      4. Pennyworth*

        Seconding soup-in-the-freezer – I always have microwave containers of soup ready to go. I like to use recipes that are fairly healthy so I feel I am having a nutritious meal. Current favorite is broccoli and spinach with tahini. It is so green it makes me feel healthy just looking at it.

    4. Aza*

      I find smoothies helpful when I’m not hungry.

      I struggle to eat consistently, but my issue is chasing a toddler and working. I second GoryDetails’ suggestion below. This week I tried premaking breakfasts and lunches and pre portioning them out and it helped a ton.

      Budget bytes’ website has a ton of ideas for meal prep like this, many that you don’t have to reheat (there’s actually a no reheat section of the meal prep recipes!)

      This week I did Budget Bytes’ lemon berry yogurt breakfast bowls (prepared 3), and the “cheese board lunch box” (prepared 4- it’s basically snacks for lunch- it was awesome!). Once I ran out of the prepared portions this week I definitely ate less. It was apparently a good strategy for me.

      I hope you find something that works for you!

      1. Aza*

        And for time commitment, it took me maybe 45 minutes, maybe 30, to prep everything, and I did it on a Sunday night. That includes the time making the lemon curd for my breakfast recipe! I intentionally chose easy recipes because I don’t have time/motivation right now. If I hadn’t made the curd it would have probably been more like 15-20 min.

      3. eez whiz*

        I came here to mention Budget Bytes! I enjoy cooking, but feeding myself well and consistently every day can be a struggle sometimes. I went through a depressive episode last year where it was so so difficult.

        Recently, I actually bought one of the BB meal plans because it makes everything so easy when I don’t have the energy to plan, and it has been so worth it. It covers 4 weeks of dinners, but each meal is 4-6 servings and I’m just making it for me. So I have plenty of leftovers and things I can freeze for the future. Each “week” has been covering about 2.5 weeks of meals for me. Plus the recipes are easy to make, relatively quick, inexpensive, and each week has a shopping list which makes the process even easier.

        The key for me is making meals with plenty of leftovers. Some I’ll keep in the fridge for lunches, and the rest I’ll freeze for when I need something quick or need some variety (the problem with leftovers is I definitely get sick of something if I have to eat it six days in a row).

        I have been doing some variation of this for a while but I was choosing fewer and more complex recipes. I have a cook’s illustrated subscription, and everything I’ve made of theirs has been delicious, but it can be time consuming and hard to pick from all the options. Committing to a meal plan and letting someone else do most of the planning has been a total game changer. I don’t love every recipe but I like most of them and once I get through all of them I’ll be able to adapt my own version of the plan to only make things I like.

        The plans cost $12 but for me it’s been totally worth it. I’ve been spending less on groceries and eating better because I’m doing a lot less impulse buying for vague notions of meals I may or may not want to make that week.

        One important consideration is that this will be harder if you don’t consider yourself competent in the kitchen. These recipes are simple but still require kitchen skills. But all of her recipes are free on the site so it’s easy to browse and decide if it’s manageable for you.

    5. Summersun*

      I have a bit of a soapbox about this issue, because my husband’s family is so rigid and ceremonial about Family Dinner. Why does the evening meal have to be a hot meat, potato, and vegetable? (Not that you personally are saying that, it’s just the usual stereotype.)

      I don’t feel the need to cook at night. Sandwiches, cereal, a pile of crudités–all healthy, “real” food.

      Sometimes I do batch baking on Sundays, making multiple dishes of chicken or salmon with different seasonings, then freezing individual portions. We eat them cold over salads.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      I have a similar problem (and I’ve lost lots of weight in the past… so I have to eat healthy – my go to is chocolate,and that’s not good, either.).

      But the last 4 months of the year is crunch time for us at that w-place, and I wind up being too tired (at 9-10 pm) M-F to “cook.”

      I do bulk cook on Saturdays, like every other. Hearty stew in the pressure cooker or crock pot, (baby new reds, quartered… no peeling; baby carrots – no peeling; very little chopping). I have the snap-lock glass containers, so I fill,seal, and freeze most of them. I also bake casseroles (a ham, broccoli, sharp cheddar, roux/ pasta bake) and divide into serving sizes and freeze most as well. If I rotate what I’m making (say, lasagna, or baked chicken thighs which I then dice and freeze), I wind up with a fair amount of variety. I also roast sheet pans of veggies (olive oil, seasoning, use parchment paper). I can do most of this while cleaning (or reading here…). During the week, I just pull out one for lunch, one for dinner. They are cooked – I just have to warm up. And since I work from home, easy to do.
      I do, however, make a little rule. Eat something – a good lunch (sometimes the bigger meal – stew, or a chicken thigh – combined with some roasted veggies and ramen), before 3 pm. Eat something nourishing – yoghurt, good granola, kale or spinach salad with those chickent

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Hit send too soon – the salads for dinner are just fine. Yoghurt, sala,fruit… I can usually go to sleep easier on a “not full stomach” but I try to eat those at least 2 hours before bed.
        yper
        YMMV but being a little bit of a clock watcher can help – that the “I should eat something” will help you.

        1. Need food advice*

          Good advice! (Though what is baby new reds?)
          Yeah, the clock watch too is good. Perhaps I should make an alarm for time for food…

    7. RagingADHD*

      My go-tos for long workdays when I didn’t feel like cooking in the evening were a) the slow cooker, where I could dump everything in before I left in the morning, and it would be already cooked when I got home, and

      b) Batches of stuff like spaghetti or soup that I could eat all week.

      1. Need food advice*

        Lots of people here on AAM talk about the slow cooker and I have never heard about it anywhere else. Is it an American thing? It sounds practical.

        Pasta is easy to make and easy to make lots of. Good idea.

        1. GoryDetails*

          I didn’t think slow cookers (original brand name Crock Pot, though there are many varieties) was specifically American. It’s basically an electric cooker for cooking at low temperature for a long time. One can do the same thing with a casserole in the oven or on the cooktop, but the appliances have handy temperature controls and insulation. [The multi-purpose gadgets like Instant Pots have a “slow cooker” option, though I prefer my single-purpose slow-cooker for that.] You can load them up in the morning and let them simmer away for 6 or 8 hours (or longer, depending on what you’re making), and it can be very pleasant to get home from a workday to the aroma of nearly-ready stew or pot roast.

        2. Ron McDon*

          We’re in the UK and have a slow cooker – it’s great for throwing ingredients in before leaving for work, then coming home to a delicious meal!

          We’ve recently started cooking beef curries in ours – beef, onion, mushrooms, chickpeas (whatever you need to use up, or fancy in your curry), a good quality jarred curry sauce, switch it on and leave for c. 8 hours – it’s a real hit!

      2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        My goto was Risotto. It’s an Italian rice dish, but it could be made in the style of any cuisine–Mexican risotto is fantastic. I think Zatarain’s calls it dirty rice. It’s one of those things that you can get 3 dinners out of easily.

        Learning to make onion soup from scratch was a game changer for me. I like adding gnocchi to it.

    8. OyHiOh*

      So, as a couple people have suggested, examine your beliefs about what a “meal” is or is not. I’ve run into people for whom a “meal” is not a “meal” unless it contains at least one cooked, hot dish. The staple meal of childhood – sandwich/fruit or veggie/something to drink doesn’t count as a “meal.” I’ve met others for whom a meal is not a meal unless it takes place at a table with chairs and requires silverware. So remembering to eat may be tied up in beliefs relating to food but not exactly food and sometimes “remembering to eat” is a simple as untangling yourself from beliefs that aren’t useful to you right now in your life.

      Another helpful thing for me is looking at the number of food cultures that have concepts of street food and small plate meals (dim sum, meze, tapas come to mind, but there are many more). Street food is useful – you’re hungry now, so you get something small now, maybe you have a meal later, maybe you have another small plate later. I don’t think the concept of a “snack” is necessarily a bad one, if you are thoughtful about what you eat as street food/snacks.

      If your habit is to wander through the kitchen every few hours and think “I should eat something” then stock your kitchen in a way that encourages thoughtful, nutricious snacks and small meals through the day

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      I’ve been going through a phase of too tired to even make a bowl of cereal in the evening and meal replacement shakes have been a lifesaver for me.

    12. Anonbeth*

      My sympathies; I have bouts of being this tired. I posted a similar question on the open thread a few weeks ago and someone suggested finding foods that give you good bang for your buck (lots of calories/nutrition with minimal effort). So maybe: spoonful of peanut butter, handful of dried fruit, a microwaved potato with butter or sour cream, greek yogurt, meat jerky, cheese, hard-boiled egg. I find veggies a lot less tiring to eat if they’re cooked, so I got a microwave steamer and some bottled sauce. If budget allows, let yourself spend more to save time: baby carrots, prewashed lettuce, frozen or canned veg; granola bars, protein bars. In the states they sell frozen cooked rice you just need to microwave, not sure if that’s a thing elsewhere.

      My current easy thing is to cook a big pot of rice, lentils, and canned tomato with seasonings, and eat that all week. Weekend meal prep is well and good but if you’re too tired to make a single meal on your days off, how will you have energy to make a week’s worth? The rice+lentils approach you just throw in and walk away. You could look for similar things, where you can make a big batch for the same effort it takes to make one serving.

      Also, I’m wondering if the tiredness is something you can address? I know it often isn’t for many people. But it sounds very hard, from my outside eyes, and I hope you’re able to claim enough energy to enjoy your evenings and days off.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I usually have eggs for breakfast and try to have some veggies.
      Protein is a big deal when wrestling with fatigue.
      I make lunches for two or three days at a time.

      Night time – dinner- was the worst problem as you say because of being tired. I cook ahead on weekends a lot, because I hate fixing a full meal each night. I might have a bowl of sweet potatoes and a bowl of rice to alternate back and forth on. If I am lucky, I have proteins cooked and I can alternate on turkey breast or chicken breast.

      Sometimes a meal in a can is good. I like Amy’s Soups, they seem to be a decent product. I can have that with a small thing and I am good.

      For me, making sure I had my proteins lined up and cooked was important. As I went along I realized my fatigue was at it’s worst on Wednesdays and Thursdays. So Wednesday night became my go-to-bed early night to help myself through the remainder of the week. The weekend must have really lightened my heart because cooking on Friday was less of an issue. Check to see if you have any patterns. So far dinner is a problem, so see if you can get a plan for dinners.
      The thing about fatigue and not eating enough is that the fatigue just gets worse. We have to fuel up. You might benefit from protein drinks, quick, reliable fuel.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Can you get yourself to bulk cook and freeze? Casseroles often freeze well, so do many soups, chili, etc. Or just give up and have canned soup and rolls in the freezer, frozen pizzas, whatever.

    15. Natalie*

      How about some premade stuff? There are decent frozen entrees out there (I find pasta dishes seem pretty consistent), bagged stir fries, canned soup… if the issue is that you’re too tired to cook, then don’t cook!

    16. valentine*

      If you don’t mind having the same meal x times a day and can eat sandwiches, choose a calm time and approach it like packing a lunch. Make x sandwiches and have granola bars/yogurt/fruit or what have you so you can grab a sandwich/other(s) when you’re ready to eat. If making a sandwich is too much, so you eat cold cuts and cheese instead of arranging them in any way. Maybe dip them in a condiment.

      Buy frozen “family”-size meals and a single baking will, hopefully, yield 2+ meals.

      Have more mealtimes, comprised of what you currently consider snacks.

      If you have trouble task switching, set alarms for -30 minutes from when you tend to notice you’re hungry.

    17. Chaordic One*

      Well, I haven’t eaten out since COVID, but when I don’t bring home takeout and don’t feel like cooking I will break down and have a Frozen TV dinner, or maybe a frozen pot pie.

      Sometimes I might make myself an omelette and have some toast (although for some reason I find washing the skillet afterwards to be especially exhausting).

      Another go to is to open a pre-made tossed green salad mix and add in a can of tuna, or chicken, or ham, or maybe a couple of cans of sardines and maybe some shredded cheese or cottage cheese and then stir it all up and add some salad dressing.

    18. Juniper*

      I’m not too tired to cook, but I am too lazy! And sometimes when I’m even lazier than usual :-) I just make oatmeal, and throw in raisins and walnuts. Takes three minutes. Also yogurt (plain) with sweetener, raisins and walnuts. The walnuts are filling. In fact, just walnuts are great when you have to eat right away. Also — I hesitate to say this because so many here said they cook soup from scratch — canned soup. Seriously. I know it’s full of sodium, but if you need to eat and do not have the energy to cook, maybe this is ok every once in a while. I also second the person who said eggs. They take three minutes to scramble and are tasty. Good luck.

    19. Need food advice*

      Thank you SO MUCH all of you for your advice!!! I am glad to report that I made dinner yesterday and 2x breakfast + lunch + dinner today! :D Have a great week everyone!

  63. KoiFeeder*

    Anyone have any advice for dealing with absolute nonsense? I don’t want to vent and get in trouble, but right now I’m so flabbergasted and frustrated that I mostly want to just lay in bed and scream continuously, and that is bad.

    1. SSO Woes*

      The ways I’ve found to deal with anger (particularly at things I have no control over) are (i) rigorous exercise where I allow myself to feel angry while I’m exercising or (ii) journaling about whatever is frustrating me (train-of-thought journaling where I just write whatever I’m feeling without regard to grammar/swearing, etc.).

      I’ve been feeling angry about the state of the world lately and just started doing jumping jacks whenever i see something triggering. It’s actually helped a bit. I realize that doesn’t help folks with limited mobility.

      Basically, assuming you have no choice but to tolerate the nonsense, you need to find a way to process your anger (even if it’s justified) or it will just make you feel on edge all the time. I don’t know what nonsense you’re experiencing, but whatever/whoever it is, it probably doesn’t deserve your headspace.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Drag in your state insurance commissioner or your state attorney general.
          Notify your doc’s office that the insurance company is giving you grief.
          Bring in as many people as you can think of to make noise on your behalf.

          It’s ridiculous that the person with illness has to ARGUE for insurance that they have PAID for. How can this NOT be fraud. Bring in others, don’t try to go it alone.

          1. D3*

            That’s the core problem with for-profit health care. They make more money by denying coverage. So people have to fight for what they are supposed to be getting.

          2. KoiFeeder*

            Technically, they actually gave me a reason for denial of care this time! They want me to lose 25 pounds to prove that I need treatment for sleep apnea.

            My BMI is 16.6.

            This is just really, really stupid. And no, I am not going to lose 25 pounds. I would die.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              yikes.
              This would make me want to draft a document where they agree that if I lose 25 pounds and suffer effects such as death, they will be held accountable for my demise and my loved ones will be [handsomely] compensated.

              Sadly the only thing they would understand in that whole sentence is they were going to lose big money on this one.

              I hope things turn the corner for the better for you very soon!

          3. KoiFeeder*

            And, to clarify, I’ve been working with my doc and the state insurance office folks. So I have a team. It’s just that this was a really stupid insult in the long conga line of injury.

    2. All the cats 4 me*

      I have been wondering this myself. My instinct is that critical thinking skills aren’t used. How do we encourage others to think about what they are hearing/reading and draw logical conclusions?

      1. Analyst Editor*

        I think you have to seek out forums and people who are willing to talk in good faith, and then be ready to devote the time and be willing to entertain really uncomfortable opinions/conversations yourself — basically, cut someone who is willing to engage a lot of slack you wouldn’t cut them otherwise, within the safe space of your little discussion. It won’t be in a Facebook or Reddit comments section, most likely: maybe a friend whose character you otherwise trust, with whom you can gingerly start treading the dangerous areas of controversy or whatever-it-is.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        That’s solidly out of my power here. I can’t make my insurance do anything, all I can do is tell my support team and have them send emails.

  64. HermioneMe*

    As I’m reading this, I’m sitting in the Hyundai dealership purchasing a brand new Hyundai Kona. Color is called Sunburst a kind of sparkling red-orange. I think I’ll call her Sunny!

    Years ago when I was a kid , my mom had a blue Ford Econoline van. She called it Blue Betsy.

  65. Canuck girl*

    Hi all – just wanted to send one more word of thanks to those who commented on my post last week about my concern regarding my mom’s memory. You were all pretty spot on – she’s fine, she sometimes just doesn’t pay attention to what I say, she is juggling many things at work and at home. Also, because of a typo, someone thought I was in my 60s and mom was in her 80s…sorry about that! She’s in her mid 60s and I’m in my mid 30s. Lastly…I realized I’ve been forgetting things too…lol…facepalm…like I totally forgot that I was texting my friend last month about a tv show we both love and two days ago I texted her more or less the same thing and SHE didn’t remember that either lol…we both laughed…I blame the mental load this pandemic has added to all our brains…another facepalm and smh. Wishing you all a good weekend.

    1. ...*

      haha. that was me who thought she was in her 80’s. I was like WELL she is pretty old right!? glad everything is good though!

    2. Morning reader*

      Sometimes I wonder if my daughter is here. No worries, just a lot going on. Let’s FaceTime soon. Text me so I remember. Love, Boomer Mom.

  66. Writer Wannabe*

    Day 2 Aunt Flo and eating lots of liverwurst/liver meat to avoid anemia per doctor’s orders. Doc also recommended Excedrin if symptoms get crazy. Counting down to results of writing contest early Dec. Weirdly I’m scared if I win bc that means my pen name and real name and photo in the press (what if the W-word sees it and gets mad? I like having health insurance etc.). And I’m scared that if I don’t place, it means my writing’s awful. Anybody feel conflicted like this?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I believe she means work – people get super hung up on “the w word” or “the thing we don’t mention” on the weekend comment thread sometimes.

      2. Lena Clare*

        Work – not allowed to be discussed in this thread, but I think we can still actually say ‘work’!

  67. Bloop*

    Hey y’all, thank you so much for your advice on apartment hunting. I have not found a realtor, most I’ve come across said to look on their website for their rental offerings though.

    Question though, anyone lived in a large apartment building? Like 100+ apartments? And has anyone lived in a basement or garden level apartment? Have you enjoyed it? Never do it again?

    1. lapgiraffe*

      Yes to the large apartment complex for three years, had to have been at least 500 units across technically 3 addresses but had a very large (and nice) common space for all three and same garage. It lacked charm and I never made any neighbor friends there, which is odd because I basically make neighbors friends within hours of moving somewhere, but the flip is that the anonymity was nice. Despite the hotel, pre-fab vibe i loved this apartment – I had a great view, fantastic location – and if it weren’t so expensive I would have stayed longer.

      My unit had been recently renovated so no major issues with appliances or bathroom or anything. The hvac system left much to be desired but I think that’s because the whole building was clearly built in the late 60s/70s and that part had not been updated. Really only an issue during heatwaves, but any issue I had the management was prompt and easy enough to deal with.

      Cons is that because in a very desirable location (in the city, very quick walk to subway, major bus stop right outside the door, every conceivable amenity within a block) there was absolutely no negotiating on the rent, they could care less if I didn’t want to renew because they could fill it in two days. Perhaps this is different now if housing stock is plentiful and with covid impact, but it basically meant I paid top dollar and tough cookies if I didn’t want to.

    2. Teacher Lady*

      I lived in a basement apartment in a small building (4 units total). I had two windows, one in the kitchen which let in fairly good light there, and one in tge bedroom that I never opened because it looked right out onto the sidewalk. My living room was really dark (no windows), and the overhead lighting left a lot to be desired. BUT, it was $250/month cheaper than comparable non-basement units I looked at, so as a poor graduate student, it was worth it.

    4. Washi*

      I have! We just moved out of a building with over 800 units.

      Pros:
      -Service requests were submitted by portal and dealt with very quickly because they had several people on call and often on site to deal with things.
      -As someone else said, very anonymous! If you don’t like small talk with neighbors, big buildings are great
      -Concierge – I’d previously lived in a building where packages were regularly stolen, this was a plus
      -Security – I felt extremely safe, partly because of the concierge, partly because what were the chances a burglar would chose me out of 800 apartments? :)
      -If you’re searching from a distance, there are often lots of availabilities, and the building is happy to rent to someone they’ve never met (unlike a smaller landlord where they often want to meet you)

      Cons:
      -The anonymity/transience meant there wasn’t a lot of neighborly feeling, so when I had an issue with my neighbor playing loud music, he had very little incentive to adjust for me, and management just shrugged
      -A lot of big buildings don’t individually meter apts, and instead just divide utilities and bill by square foot. This meant we had no control of our utilities, and no one had an incentive to try to save energy
      -Fire alarms! This might vary by building, but in ours the fire alarm went off about once a month, sometimes in the middle of the night, and then we were all supposed to go outside for 20+ mins.
      -In the pandemic, it got pretty old trying to dodge people in the hall and stairs every time we wanted to go outside
      -The “feel” of a big building isn’t really my thing, it wasn’t very cute or homey to walk through a looong hotel-like corridor to get to my apartment

      For me, a big building can be a good stopping point for a couple years, but it wouldn’t be my first choice as a long-term home. But ymmv, there are plenty of positives and I overall had a good experience with my building! And one more aside, my building had terrible ratings on a lot of apartment websites. As did 99% of the buildings in my area. There unfortunately is not a site with even Yelp-level accuracy for apartment buildings, because people really only bother to post when they have a complaint.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I lived in a basement/below-grade apartment for a year. I would not want to repeat that experience. Some of that had to do with the building’s overall poor maintenance and location.

      The issues that might transfer even to a well-maintained building were

      a) it faced the street, so had a lot of street noise.

      b) it was too close to the main entrance, so there was noise from the buzzer and door slamming.

      c) the small “garden” enclosure in front of the sitting room window was constantly getting peed on by passing dogs,

      d) It was also a popular emergency urinal for drunk passers-by at night.

    6. Stephanie*

      My daughter lived in a garden apartment for a couple of years. It had plenty of windows, so light wasn’t an issue, but they did have problems with ants and spiders, and I think it was at least partly due to being partially below grade. Her living windows faced the main street, and they were the same level as the sidewalk, so she never, ever opened her blinds.
      I don’t think she’ll ever look at a garden apartment again.

    7. LDF*

      I lived in a basement apartment for a year in college. My bedroom faced the backyard so it was private and well-lit, but the common areas and some of the other bedrooms were pretty dark and sad. Also there was a faint dank smell about it, and when I was house hunting last year we toured a very well-maintained basement condo and it also had a faint smell, so I would definitely take that into account. One pro is that it never got too hot, even during the height of summer, and was easy to heat in winter.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Basement walls against hillsides can have moisture problems. Long ago left an apartment after my clothes started mildew in in my closet. I forgot the lesson when I bought this house and my garage has the same problem.

  68. Can't Sit Still*

    Looking for book recommendations: LGBTQI+ vampires & werewolves (or other shifters), preferably in the same book. Romances, mysteries, historicals or SFF are all fine, but no horror (I know, I know). My tastes are varied; I’ve enjoyed the Saint Germain series and the Vampire’s Werewolf Bodyguard. I’m currently reading the Big Bad Wolf series, but it’s going slowly and I’m not enjoying the law enforcement aspect. Authors I enjoy in this genre are Kasia Bacon, R. Cooper, KL Noone, and Eliot Grayson.

    Any recommendations?

    1. Cruciatus*

      Hmm, probably not quite what you want (no vampires or werewolves yet, that I know about) but I’m reading The House in the Cerulean Sea which Alison recently recommended here. I’m not done yet, but so far it’s a gentle book though I’ve just been introduced to the Antichrist, a wyvern, a no one knows what that is, and sprites, and I believe a shape shifter. It’s in the LGBT book section at Amazon.

      What about the Mercy Thompson series? The main character is not gay, but it’s about a shape shifter who is involved in a wolf pack as they fight bad things going on in their territory. There are gay characters, and many supernatural characters like vampires, ghosts, etc. I enjoy this series well enough. There’s quite a few out already too.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Gail Carriger’s “Parasol Protectorate” series is fun; werewolves and vampires and steampunk and more, with some plots edging on spooky but with more of a camp tone. There are spinoff books that may fit your brief even better, including Romancing the Werewolf – that one focuses on a couple of my favorite characters from the main series. [It’s probably more entertaining if you’ve read the previous books, but could stand on its own.]

    3. KoiFeeder*

      I know there’s one called something like hunger pangs or true love bites? It’s got queer poly supernatural beings.

      I don’t really do romances, but I’ve heard a lot of good things about it.

      1. Emily*

        I follow the author of that one on social media! OP or anyone else can look for Joy Demorra if they want to learn more about the book. (Also, it’s not quite out yet – the preorder page says that it will be released a month from now.)

    4. Anax*

      Not vampire/werewolf focused, but I’ve been enjoying Seanan McGuire’s work, which is mostly urban fantasy. McGuire is pansexual herself and includes a lot of queer characters in her books. The October Daye series might be particularly relevant to your interests; the main romance is het and the central conceit involves faeries/changelings rather than the traditional vampires/werewolves, but cat shapeshifters play a central role, and there are quite a lot of major queer relationships and characters, especially starting about 2-3 books in.

      2. Smol Book Wizard*

        yes yes yes Seanan McGuire! I usually don’t like urban fantasy, but hers really work for me. The overall feeling is more… wholesome? friendly? while still exciting and thrilling; there are enemies, but so many good friends as well.

    5. zinemin*

      I have the perfect book for you. :) “Loves Bites” by Ry Herman. Includes LGBTQI+ romance, vampires, werewolves and urban fantasy.

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      If you have novelist through your library you can search for LGBTQ+ werewolves or for anything and it will do a good job!

    7. Dinoweeds*

      You have GOT to read the Wolfsong series by TJ Klune. It is easily my favorite series that I’ve read in a long time. His characters are incredible and the world he builds is amazing The final book comes out in October and I’ve already preordered it from Amazon.

      1. Cruciatus*

        And he’s also the author of The House in the Cerulean Sea that I mentioned above! I should have mentioned the author.

    8. KTNZ*

      While these a follow on from a much larger previous series (i.e. the main characters in these two are children of the main characters of a previous series) Kelley Armstrong’s Wolf’s Curse and Wolf’s Bane fit the bill perfectly. Two teenage werewolves go to supernatual leadership camp and shenanigans abound. Great LGBTQI+ representation, and they’re quick, fun reads.

  69. budgeting issues*

    I’d love some perspective or advice on budgeting and dealing with minor health issues that impact one’s budget. Here goes. For the first time in my adult life I am following a budget (using an app) that works. When I was in part-time grad school, which I completed a year ago, I had a very generous line of credit and things were so hectic, budgeting was the last thing on my mind. I have a full time job that pays alright…just alright. However, creating a budget highlighted just how little wiggle room I have after certain expenses. One major monthly expense has been therapy for anxiety – benefits finished mid-year, so now I’m paying out of pocket, I see my therapist biweekly. It’s actually through therapy that it became clear that I finally have to create a budget and stick to it. However, another added health expense that’s coming up is a specific kind of physio that was recommended for chronic ear pain and chronic headaches. I’m not in dire pain, but this resurfaces every month. They physio is legit, I was referred to him by a doctor, but to address it requires frequent appts over a dedicated period – this clinic has a program developed for this kind of thing. I have some coverage for this through my benefits, but not 100%.

    People, this budgeting is hard. I love spending money on clothes, and cute earrings and other fun useless things , and wish I wasn’t thinking about every dollar spent and yes, I assigned a budget to clothing, but my goodness, between several sets of savings goals to ensure all future and current necessary expenses are covered, and contribution to an emergency fund, and unexpected things like a car repair, I am very frustrated and money is constantly on my mind these past few weeks, mostly because of this recommended physio treatment and the anticipated expense it will bring and now I see how every dollar is spent and sometimes it’s crazy-making.

    I even debated cutting down therapy to once a month, but it took about 6 months to finally get to the bottom of what was driving my insomnia that I’m wary of reducing these biweekly sessions just as I am finally starting to sleep consistently every night. My GP had been on me for months to get a good therapist (it took 4 to finally get to this one that is competent and a good fit) to address the anxiety. I’ll add that I fully recognize that I am very fortunate not to have lost my job during this pandemic, while many ppl are barely keeping things together, getting laid off, facing all sorts of hardships. I’ve been working on finding a new job that pays better but nowadays, that’s a slow endeavor (my entire dept is underpaid, but that’s not a topic for this thread). I was hoping for once this year to have savings put aside for Christmas, but this physio treatment was just such an unexpected curve ball; if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t even be writing here. I even debated putting that off till January, but the ear pain always returns. I wanted to start a fun / vacation fund too (if not for a vacation, then maybe a new couch), but looks like that needs to be put off till next year also. Anyone else dealing / has dealt with competing financial priorities? or constantly thinking about money and being tired of it?

    1. Aza*

      Yes. Sometimes I wish I could just spend without thinking, like so many people do. But I so appreciate the financial security I have. It sucks to not be able to run out and go crazy sometimes, but the security is more important to me.

    2. Morning reader*

      I wonder if framing the budgeting inyour mind differently would help. When I didn’t have enough money, or a budget beyond “don’t bounce a check before payday,” I was constantly stressed about money. With a budget (and enough money to cover the basics with some breathing room), I feel more in control so I worry less about money. It becomes a matter of habit. Tempted to eat restaurant food? Budget says we do that no more than once a week, so no, not tonight, for example. Fewer decisions and less anxiety every time I have a choice because I already have a plan. Perhaps once your budget becomes more habitual it will help lessen anxieties Rather than increase them. A structure that frees you to be worry free within the structure.

      1. Squeakrad*

        Is it possible to have some physeal sessions and then continue on your own? That is what I did with some shoulder issues and it’s worked quite well.

    3. ronda*

      I think you should talk to your therapist about how budgeting is making you feel and try to get help with how to approach it. (‘specially since your therapist recommended the budget process)
      Also talk about the cost of your sessions and if cutting back is a good idea for you. I get the feeling that you think it is not, but you and your therapist should talk about it and decide.

      So with budgeting, things are usually considered needs or wants….. but it is a really a range.
      Food is a need. Rice and beans cooked at home can fill that need at a low cost, so eating at a restaurant is really a want (even tho you are getting food there). So how far are you willing to push the food budget because you want to eat at restaurants? (for me it was really far, before covid)

      I didnt spend on clothes for several years, cause I had a closet full of clothes that I didnt wear.
      Most of the clothes I bought really didnt give me long term satisfaction…..so I really dont buy that many clothes anymore. Could you clothes budget really be more about how shopping makes you feel and are there other ways to achieve that with less cost?

      mr money mustache website has lots of blogs about cutting cost to be very frugal…. I find it inspirational, but I only apply the ones that I want to. For example, get rid of my car and ride a bike will save me lots of $, I would rather drive, but I realize it is more expensive and decided I can afford it. If you like his writing, maybe you will find some ideas that you are comfortable with using in your life.

    4. WS*

      Maybe you could think of it as you’re preparing to enjoy that Christmas/fun/vacation money, but you can’t do that while you’re in pain. The money spent now is an investment in your future health. Also, budgeting definitely gets less onerous the more you do it – right now it’s like a new pair of shoes you’re still breaking it in and they’re not comfortable yet!

    5. Lemon Curdle*

      How many clothes and earrings are we talking? Just a few as a treat or lots because you’re spending your feelings? Not a criticism, just that may change how you approach it.

      If it’s because of how you feel, chances are that prioritising your well-being will make you feel different and you’ll have less need to buy lots of treats.

    6. budgeting issues*

      Thanks everyone, great advice and empathy as always. I read / post here fairly often, but wantes to be more anon for this particular question.

      I will bring this up in the next therapy session. I don’t like having to do that, but if I’m writing about this much it here, it’s worth the time during my therapy appt.

      As far as the amount of clothing…these days, honestly, even that is a question mark, because of wfh, there’s less of a need for cute new tops. And it’s true what was pointed out above…when I am less anxious and key issues are dealt with, whatever they may be, I have less of a desire to shop. Though sometimes, retail therapy is real haha, nothing like a bright cute new tshirt or a trendy purse to perk me up after a bad work week. Now, with fall, I have actual needs because of stuff that’s old. E.g. short boots are falling apart and must be replaced within the next month, long boots might need replacement too unless the sole can be fixed, etc. My car was scratched by some moron in a parking lot so there is spot that is starting to rust that I’ll need to pay for fixing too, before bad winter weather hits. I’ll figure this out, I know I will, and probably therapy will help, I just wish it wasn’t a series of financial choices and trade-offs, it’s exhausting and I hate it.

      1. WellRed*

        *must* you replace the short boots? That’s just for example. I totally get where you are coming from, but I’m very struck by how you keep circling back to the unexpected physio as the current problem at hand. It’s not. Also, I know lots of people use that idea of pots of savings for different goals but you may have too many pots for what you need now. Just my thoughts.

        1. Dan*

          I’ve sort of taught myself to practice “delayed gratification”. Very little that I ever buy must be purchased *right this instant*. When trying to figure out where things are on the need/want scale, I’ll put off the purchasing for a week/month and see how I feel then. Part of that is to train oneself a little bit of restraint and gain perspective. OP says she “must” replace those short boots, but if she waits a month, *what will actually happen?* Wait that month and see how phytologically torturous it was to wait for it. (Was it really painful, or not? It’s truly an exercise, not said tongue-in-cheek.)

          OP uses a lot of flowery language to justify the purchase of new clothing. I wonder if focusing on the *function* of what she’s buying, and what role it plays in her overall wardrobe would help? The earrings may be “cute”, but do they fill a purpose that another set doesn’t? Does OP *need* both short boots and long boots?

      2. LPUK*

        ON clothing – if its always been a source of pleasure for you you may have quite a bit? I had so much I had to rotate our seasonal clothing and I have found that that moment when you unpack clothes that you’ve put away for a while and have more or less forgotten about has a really pleasurable vibe. Someone I knew in work back when also used to rotate her clothes and she said the same thing. Its so easy to reach for the same thing over and over (particularly when WFH) that’s its very easy to forget just what you have, so is there a way you could formalise this by packing away some clothes and jewellery that you bring out again in a month and fall in love with again? You could also get some of that new clothes excitement by putting together outfits in a different, unexpected way from what you have available.
        Finally, give yourself a break on Christmas this year. If I were your friend or family member, I would rather hear that you’d spent money on something which made a tangible improvement to your health than get a gift that I probably didn’t need. Heck, I’d be relieved if you solved my gift problem for you by letting me buy a physio session for you rather than ANOTHER scented candle/box of chocolates/scarf set?book

    7. Not A Manager*

      I think it’s important, if you can, to include a line item in your budget for treats that give you pleasure in the moment. You can’t be in delayed gratification mode all the time for everything because that will make you miserable.

      Unfortunately, you might need to adjust your sense of “immediate treat” to fit your line item. It sounds like you get some real pleasure from trendy impulse purchases. If your “cute shopping” line item won’t allow for the cute top or the purse, could it allow for some retro earrings from a thrift store, or a cute vintage scarf? Only you know what small indulgences will feel meaningful to you, but whether it’s a fancy latte once a week, or some funky thrifted accessory, or an in-game purchase, try to make explicit room in your budget for that.

      I personally would suggest a smaller amount allocated more frequently – a small indulgence once a week rather than a bigger one once a month. But you need to decide what gives you the most wow factor.

      And then I’d suggest intentionally making some room around that indulgence. If you’re only buying the fancy latte once a week, don’t get it from the drive thru on your way to work. Set aside some time and a little bit of ritual so that you can enjoy your indulgence in the moment, and also so that you can look forward to it when you have to say no to yourself about other things.

      Because I’m basically a kindergartener at heart, I will explicitly bribe and reward myself. “I was so good about the budget this week, now I get to have this amazing latte.”

      Good for you, by the way, for recognizing that you needed some assistance and lining that up. Good for you for making these proactive changes that will really improve the quality of your life in the long run.

    8. RagingADHD*

      It’s a small trick, but sometimes I will take unexpected savings from one category and use it for a little treat in another.

      For example, if there were some great seasonal specials at the grocery store and I saved $10 on my weekly shopping, I can treat that as “mad money” by putting it toward Christmas presents, or splurging on a pair of cheap earrings.

      When you are watching your budget closely for a while, you will start to see surprise savings as well as surprise costs.

    9. budgeting issues*

      Thank you! You all gave me some truly good and important things to think about and to try different approaches and I really really appreciate it. I’m always open to trying new things to see what can work better, to make adjustments, sometimes I just run out of my own ideas. I agree that in my case, a constant sense of delayed gratification does make me miserable and a more frequent smaller treat ought to be put in place (and the budget set aside for it of course). I do really need to take a look at my multiple “pots” I’ve got…it likely is too many at the moment and the idea of giving myself a break with the Christmas one brings me a lot relief and makes sense. Thank you again and have a lovely evening everyone.

  70. tangerineRose*

    I plan to look for plants that I can put in my backyard that are pretty and/or interesting, are slow growing, easy to care for (as much as possible native plants that need next to no care), and attract birds and butterflies. I’m in the Pacific Northwest.

    1. Anon bc Location Specific*

      The OSU Extension service has a lot of really informative publications about native plant selection for pollinators, all free on their online catalog.

    2. Anono-me*

      Check craigslist and Facebook for gardeners that are dividing up plants. I have had my best luck with perennials that I have purchased from local garden sales. People who love to garden and are good at it usually wind up with perennials that Thrive and need to be divided. Often times these gardeners will either sell them or give them away by posting on craigslist or Facebook or just having a sign.

      They also usually appreciate if you can bring your own bucket or planter.

  71. Paralegal Part Deux*

    So, I rescued my first cat Wednesday. He name is Tink, and she’s 3 months old. She’s still getting used to me, and I’m still getting used to having a kitting after having a geriatric cat after my Sassy passed away on April 1, 2020. I so wish I could show y’all a picture! She’s so cute. She’s a shorthair tabby according to my vet with a slight mix of calico in there. She’s already bonded enough with me that, if she can’t find me, she cries. I guess she likes me? Anyway, I wanted to give y’all an update on the cat situation since the last kitten got adopted out before I could get to the shelter.

    Wish us luck!

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Congratulations! It is so different to have a kitten after an elderly cat, isn’t it? My 19 year old senior lady passed in January, and I adopted 2 cats just about a year old. I forgot how active and inquisitive they are, all hours of the day and night. Tink is an adorable name!

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        My cat was 16 when she passed, and it is such a huge difference! I had completely forgotten how much kittens are into everything. I about had a stroke when I first got Tink home since she got behind my stove. :/ She’s as sweet as she can be but, dang, is she rambunctious, lol!

  72. Valancy Snaith*

    Can anyone recommend a podcast they enjoy about language? Almost anything will do–accents, phraseology, words, just about anything linguistic-related. For some reason I’m having a hard time digging anything up myself!

    1. Aza*

      A way with words is a public radio show and apparently also a podcast. It’s a little hokey but I do always learn something!

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Does a youtube channel count? Simon Roper, if so. Anglo Saxon stuff mostly, but some other stuff too.

    4. It happens*

      Lexicon Valley with John McWhorter (Columbia Prof with a fondness for show tunes) is a Slate Plus podcast.

    5. SR*

      Not a podcast, but the merriam-webster website (m-w.com) has lots of great videos posted about words — usage, origins, history, etc. Really fun. And their free word-of-the-day by email is fantastic — great stories about the origins and history of the word. You can find all the past ones online for examples. If you look up the recent word-of-the-day entry for “bunkum” (same origin as bunk, debunk, etc.), it’s fascinating!

    7. OyHiOh*

      YouTube Chanel
      Wes Cecil, specifically his Language and Literature series from around 4 years ago (it’s in a playlist all by itself). One hour, layperson-friendly lectures about how language, culture, and literature interact with each other. He covers around 24 languages, if I remember correctly.

    8. Chaordic One*

      Although they’re very short in length, only 2 minutes long, I enjoy the NPR broadcasts and podcasts of “Chrysti the Wordsmith.” You find podcasts of Chrysti’s show at: wordsmithradio dot org.

    10. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      There’s one called Very Bad Words that I listen to occasionally. I’ve also just seen one called Something Rhymes with Purple that looks interesting.

    12. Lady Alys*

      I’ve been enjoying (slowly…) the “History of English” podcast by Kevin Stroud. He started in 2012 talking about Indo-European, and now, at around episode 141, he’s gotten to the 15th century. So, lots of material there!

      I’ve also really enjoyed “Motherfoclóir,” a podcast about Irish and English and how they get along linguistically and culturally. I came across it while reading a blog post complaining about Irish being used as the Generic Fantasy Language(tm) in modern Tolkien ripoffs (episode 101).

  73. Raceway Radar*

    Does anyone who reads/posts here have a relative or friend in prison? If so, any advice for visits? Especially right now while visiting days are cancelled because of COVID-19. Or how to stay connected despite not being able to be together. My relative will never be released and it is hard being away from her sometimes. I’m open to hearing from anyone.

    *if this topic is not appropriate for the weekend thread I apologize

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You might do a little search to see what the prison is allowing. They maybe doing video chats- with rules of course and time limits. Here people can call by subscribing to a phone plan. The call recipient (family/friend) pays for the plan and the incarcerated person initiates the calls. People seem to make agreed times and days for the calls. You will have to write your family member to let them know you have a calling plan and let them know when you will be around to receive their call.

    2. Aza*

      My now- husband was in jail for a little less than a year. We dated for a year, and then he was arrested, and pled guilty to some drug charges. It’s been awhile (almost 10 years!), and obviously jail is different than prison/each place has its own rules.

      I found it really hard to find some of the rules for his place. They weren’t always posted, so it was a lot of trial and error. We couldn’t do in person visits, just these video ones where I’d go to the jail, and basically do a zoom with him, with a telephone receiver. Visiting hours were really limited- they only took place on certain days at specific times. I think he was just allowed one visit a week, or maybe 2? So it was important to coordinate with other people to make sure I wasn’t taking someone else’s visit/them taking mine. Visits would also sometimes change at the last minute- sometimes I’d have to wait a long time, or I’d show up and learned they’d switched it to a different day that week.

      We wrote a ton of letters. In his jail stuff like envelopes or stamps he had to buy, and there was a way to put money in his account (I never did this, but his family did). We could talk on the phone (he called), but it was really expensive, and I think calls only lasted 5 minutes?

      I wrote letters on brightly colored paper, which he liked, because everything was so gray there. Though he asked me to avoid pink- something related to a lot of crazy homophobia (I’m a woman), so maybe ask first?

      At this jail I could send him books and magazines, but they had to come directly from the publisher or a place like amazon. Magazines I think couldn’t have staples? I can’t exactly remember. He also really liked receiving photos in the letters, just a connection with the outside world.

      Boredom was a big thing so things like Sudoku and word searches were helpful.

      At the recommendation of our pastor, we did a Bible study together (called precepts) and it was nice to have something in common that we were both doing. If you’re not religious, sending a book or magazine that you both read would be a nice connection.

      Holidays were hard for people. I had some kids from church color a bunch of things/I sent a bunch of cards. Or maybe you could put some funds in their account for the holidays so they can buy snacks or whatever.

      He said it really helped feeling like he wasn’t forgotten.

      I’m sorry about your relative. It can feel really lonely and isolating, having someone you love incarcerated.

      1. Aza*

        And when I wrote him a lot of times it wasn’t anything profound, just things like what I was doing that day, the weather, just boring everyday stuff. I think it doesn’t matter so much what you say, it’s the contact/being remembered part that’s important. Sometimes I’d include a copy of the sermon from church (they have a printed outline), just random stuff like that.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I don’t have any experience or advise, but I’ve watched my friend go through some of this so I wanted to express my sympathy. It was and is very hard on her.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Do you have any shared interests like writing or art? You might be able to work on a parallel projects, send photographs of what you are working on etc.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      So this was many years ago at this point, but maybe it’s useful.

      My late brother was in prison for most of my life (I’m 45 now). According to my mom, she was visiting him in jail when she was pregnant with me (there’s a huge age gap between me and my siblings–18 years between me and my brother). He eventually landed himself in an in-state prison for five years. He got out, re-offended within two weeks of being out (he and his friends beat up a drug dealer and he had a weapon), and was in a federal penitentiary within the month. In all, I think he spent somewhere around 25 years in various federal prisons (they don’t keep you in one place for too long usually). He got out in 2004, had a good life, and then passed away from cancer in 2017.

      When talking to him after he got out, he said one of the most important things to him were visits (obviously that’s difficult right now with COVID) and letters. Phone calls, too. I remember when we went to visit him in PA the guards told us that so many prisoners are abandoned by their families and friends, and that my brother was one of the few people that had somewhat regular visits (we were several states away so we only went a few times a year and I wasn’t yet driving) and other contact with his family. I have no idea what communication with inmates looks like nowadays, but I’d say to write as many letters as you can.

      Also, as others had said, check the prison rules. Back when my brother was at a state prison, we were able to bring care packages at Christmas (ah, the memories of waiting in line to get in with a huge package for him, which suspiciously had multiple jars of wheat germ…LOL I was too young at the time to know they were using wheat germ to make their own booze in their cells), though I’m sure that’s no longer allowed. We were also able to send books and magazines we’d bought ourselves (I used to send lots of them), but I believe now all books and other literature have to come directly from the publisher or book store. My brother said books and magazines were always, always appreciated, because once he was done with them, he would pass them on to others who never got anything from the outside or pass them on to the prison library; it was a great way to pass the time, even if it’s something they wouldn’t normally read.

      Someone mentioned sending pictures, which is a great idea, but check the prison rules on that, too. Years ago we could send as many as we wanted, but towards the end we could only send a few. Plus, the inmate has to be able to store them all. My brother once sent home a large package of pictures we’d sent throughout the years because he just didn’t have room anymore (cells are very small).

  74. Lemon Curdle*

    If you’ve found positives in this awful situation, how do you let yourself be ok with that? Is it ok to be happy about the good things? How do you deal with the guilt?

    I’ll continue in a comment. If you feel it’s tactless to discuss positives, or to admit to being in any way happy right now when things are also awful, I’d like to respectfully suggest this isn’t going to be the right discussion for you.

    1. Lemon Curdle*

      I wrote a long post and the webpage crashed and I lost it. So I’ll keep it brief. How do I feel ok about the good things (eg no longer spending time and money commuting, my relationship is better) when so many people have died or are suffering including people I know?

      On the one hand of course I’m pleased I’ll be debt-free much sooner (due to losing the expensive commute) and can now work from home full-time when this was considered impossible by my employer before so I’m not spending loads of time and money commuting. Lockdown has helped my marriage as we were living almost separate lives before. But I know it’s not the case for everyone, that I’m lucky to see any positives.

      I donate to charity eg the local food bank (I’m unable to volunteer as I’m clinically vulnerable). I don’t go round telling everyone I’m much happier now. I’m currently signed off sick from work with anxiety, and it’s been easier to let people think it’s pandemic related but to be honest it’s not – it had been brewing for years.

      I just don’t want to be like the woman in The Handmaid’s Tale who tells Serena that Gilead has freed her from her corporate law career and acts like it’s all wonderful. I know it’s not wonderful. But how do I feel ok about the good bits?

      1. Brightwanderer*

        I think you try to bear in mind that how you feel, inside yourself, is not something that hurts other people, regardless of what that feeling is. You take care not to say anything insensitive to others, you keep ring theory in mind (and remember that on the internet/social media you can’t control the direction of your communication through the rings AT ALL, because it’s so easy for anything to be passed on to a wider audience), you allow yourself to feel a little bit happy and hopeful and pleased with the good things that have come to you, but you keep in mind your privilege, and you do the things you’re already doing – work to try and spread some of that fortune to others.

        (Ring Theory: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html )

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Very seldom is something all bad. You may find it helpful to believe that good things happen in bad situations to help us forge ahead somehow.

      Sometimes in a bad situation our minds and hearts are literally starving to find something good, so we may be watching for a good thing and not even realizing we are watching. It’s pretty healthy to look for good things and to rejoice when those good things happen.

      And we have some really great people walking among us. Look at news stories where a family lost a home and people come running with clothing, household goods and some even offer temporary shelter. In the middle of some horrible things, we can see gestures that are so beautiful it can bring tears to the eyes. There is a high likelihood of something good happening in the midst of something awful. And this is in part because other people do care.

      It took me a while, but I now believe that if the universe offers us a momentary reprieve in our grief we need to accept that reprieve. Thinking of it this way, we can substitute gratitude for guilt. In a simpler example (because life has much worse examples), when my husband passed, it felt pretty black here. For days it felt BLACK. My aunt came to visit and she was not one to sit around. So I decided we could pack up my husband’s clothes. I dreaded this task but it was not going to get better by ignoring it. As I pulled the clothes out, she commented that people she knew would use the clothes. I really liked the idea that the clothes would not go to waste and that helped to motivate me to continue working.

      When we got done, I was shocked/upset with myself to find that I was excited about having more closet space. I must be a horrible person to think of that.

      Whoa. Wait. Back up.

      I was so very grateful that my aunt came to help me and was able to help me with this particular project. I was also very grateful that I could give these clothes to someone and they might get some use out of the clothes. It helped to see that my husband’s things were not just wasted. I was happy to have this difficult task behind me and my mind relaxed. It was in that moment with a calmer brain, I realized I had more space for my own things in the closet, I did not even think of having more space when we started. This came after days of nothing but solid blackness, everything was awful every where I looked. It was the first time I felt a flicker of happiness about anything.

      Happiness can creep in quietly and blindside us. We don’t think about that very much, but we are VERY aware of how sad things can creep in, blindside us and hit us HARD. The positives in life use a much softer approach, they enter our lives quietly and expand without us even realizing. Use your guilt as a reminder to be grateful.

      My aunt could not stay long. She had to go back home. She was going to get her test results. We were pretty sure the results would show she had cancer. And she did.
      A million dollars could not buy what she gave me over the few days she was here. I was and still am humbled by her generosity with her time and her energy. In the middle of something horrible we can find something truly beautiful.

      1. Lemon Curdle*

        “It’s pretty healthy to look for good things and to rejoice when those good things happen.”

        I needed to hear this – thank you. And thanks for all you’ve shared here. I also found a great piece on the NY Times site titled ‘it’s ok to be ok right now’.

        Sorry for the brief and insubstantial response to what was a very helpful and heartfelt post!

      2. WellRed*

        My sincere condolences. My brother just passed and it brings me some joy to pass his things on to other people, friends and strangers. Virtual hugs.

      3. OyHiOh*

        My sister and I went through my late husband’s clothes the afternoon of the day of his funeral. I remember the same sense of shock and freedom when we finished – you mean, all this space is *mine??!!!* I can do *anything* I want with the closet/bed/walls?????

        We did it that quickly because she had to fly home, but wanted to take some things with her to make memory objects so mostly we needed to sort what she was going to use. We ended up with what she took home, an enormous pile to donate, and a small box that I wanted to keep.

    3. Ali G*

      While I am definitely coming from a place of privilege, I can see some good for my husband and me.
      First, his formerly very butts in seats employer will institute some sort of flexible work schedule, including WFH. He works long hours and so this means more time together for us.
      It took six months of us in limbo to finally face facts that we are overweight and unhealthy. All the work we are doing and choices we made so we can retire early and “live” are useless if we reach 60 and can’t even walk up the stairs. So tomorrow we are starting a 12 week weight loss and fitness program. We are only able to commit the time and resources to this because of lock down and no commutes for the foreseeable future.
      We’ve also been able to spend time on improving our home and how we use/live in it.
      I think it’s ok to look for the good. If it was 100% all bad for everyone then what would the point of doing anything? We are lucky and shouldn’t squander it.

      1. WellRed*

        Good luck on your fitness journey! I’ve definitely made some healthier lifestyle choices that I wouldn’t have otherwise if not for covid.

    4. Jessi*

      I too am someone who is currently doing better out of Covid than in the before times.

      I was furloughed (Uk) and then made redundant, but that made space for me to look for a new job, which I flipping love, and it’s a 15m walk from my house vs a 45 tube commute.

      I talk about it in terms of finding a silver lining so as not to appear tone deaf, and do my best to appreciate how happy I am now, when many people aren’t and many people are struggling.

    5. Pippa K*

      The singer Amanda Shires put it well, I thought, in an interview with Rolling Stone early in the pandemic: “There are things that I was missing before this that I didn’t even know I was missing.”

      We tend to think in terms of what we lost that we had before (like travel, sob!) but it doesn’t hurt to recognise that “before Covid” wasn’t a perfect world, and not all the changes are losses. I think we *should* be aware of that, and grateful for it where we experience it.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Yes, I’ve found positives.

      We were really struggling the last few years to make ends meet, and I’d been scrimping to prepare for a several family life events (weddings, graduations) that would require cross-country travel. We would probably have wound up with credit card debt that would take a long time to pay down.

      They all got canceled or the guestlist cut. Sad, but a big financial relief.

      Then my work, which has always been remote, has picked up massively. I made more in August alone than I did in 2018, almost as much as all of 2019.

      With the stimulus check as well, we were able to do a lot of deferred maintenance on the house and car, that would have soon become urgent (and in some cases dangerous). We are adding significant amounts to savings for the first time in years. It’s all a huge relief.

      I can’t say I have any guilt. We haven’t done anything wrong. We are doing our best to be safe and protect others.

      My work isn’t profiting off anyone else’s misery – just wealthy people having more time on their hands to pursue personal goals. Or pivoting their businesses online and needing support.

      I believe that when people are hurting, you do what you can to help. And if you can’t help directly, you support those who can. So that’s what we’ve been doing- trying to invest in our community to keep things going.

      At the beginning, before work got busy, I spent a lot of time sewing PPE and donating it to local healthcare workers.

      We have put a good chunk of money back into the local economy by ordering takeout regularly (restaurants were a rare treat before), and hiring/buying from local businesses for that house & car maintenance as much as possible. We enrolled the kids in lessons they can do outdoors or remotely, which are keeping local artists & musicians employed.

      We’ve also supported local charities and maintained our YMCA membership (even though we’re not attending). And we were able to give nice presents to the graduates and newlyweds.

      There will always be times that are good for some and bad for others. And every person will have good and bad times in their life. Even when there’s general abundance, peace, and prosperity, there are folks who suffer and go without.

      The right thing to do when things are going well for you, is share and help others. Whether that’s money, time, happiness, good relationships & stability, whatever. Use your blessings to bless others.

      Actually, that’s the right thing all the time – but when things are going well, you can do more.

    9. willow for now*

      Remember that one scene in Band of Brothers when our guys enter that bombed out French (?) town and the string quartet is set up on a rubble pile, playing something lovely?

      I think it’s fine to find positives in any situation. I laughed like a madwoman at my grandma’s wake because of an old family joke and the prayer ladies.

  75. Cold feet, cold heart*

    Can anyone recommend a pet insurance company that you use that you’re happy with? Or warn against any bad ones!

    1. Loopy*

      Can’t recommend one because we found it didn’t make sense for us after a decent amount of research. However one useful note: one thing I found was when getting quotes, the same info but with different breeds got very different numbers back. We have a ‘pit bull’ breed (staffordshire terrier)- and his breed is in all his vet papers so there’s no getting around it. My quotes for pit bulls versus the same exact info put in for a lab or beagle were sky high. So just something to check- I’d recommend putting in a few different breeds just to check that out.

      1. Loopy*

        Whoops- assumed we were talking about dogs- based on absolutely nothing but pre-coffee brain failure. Apologies for the animal specific response!

      2. Ali G*

        Same here. I found it was better to just create a savings account for emergencies (just like for myself!). When I looked, you still had to pay up front for all vet visits etc. and then submit claims which may or may not be reimbursed.
        Also I didn’t want to have to think about whether insurance would cover an emergency. I have a set amount that is for dog emergencies and we have an agreement on what we are willing to pay for quality of life in care of emergencies or illness. To me that is less stressful than being dependent on insurance which may or may not come through.

        1. Squeakrad*

          We thought of that but we’re not very committed to having a savings account for specific purposes. After spending thousands of dollars on a old is cats cancer surgery we committed to a plan for our young cat. It’s about $1000 a year but covers everything including regular visits and one package of flea control per year. And it turned out she had to have expensive dental surgery that was totally unexpected we were very glad we had the plan is it paid all but $50.

          Only you can decide whether it’s worth it for you,Whether you would pay a lot of money to help a sick cat – some people wouldn’t Dash and whether you have the will power to create a savings fund. We never want to go through what we went through with our oldest cat a few years ago. There was no doubt that we would spend the money but it was a big ouch.

          All that said the big companies are Trupanion which has gobbled up a lot of smaller companies and Pets Best which is what we have.I believe there’s also Nationwide for pets but I don’t think they cover as much as certain things are excluded.

          If you are considering it it’s best to do it when your pet is young and doesn’t have any pre-existing conditions. Once they’re excluding pre-existing conditions then I’d say it’s almost not worth it.

          We get a discount through my husband’s work – he’s in the union Dash so we decided to commit to the insurance. If you are considering purchasing pet insurance, one advantage of Trupanion is that they will usually except billing from the vet directly.

          Good luck with whatever you decide.

        2. Squeakrad*

          We thought of that but we’re not very committed to having a savings account for specific purposes. After spending thousands of dollars on a old is cats cancer surgery we committed to a plan for our young cat. It’s about $1000 a year but covers everything including regular visits and one package of flea control per year. And it turned out she had to have expensive dental surgery that was totally unexpected we were very glad we had the plan as it paid all but $50.

          Only you can decide whether it’s worth it for you,Whether you would pay a lot of money to help a sick cat – some people wouldn’t Dash and whether you have the will power to create a savings fund. We never want to go through what we went through with our oldest cat a few years ago. There was no doubt that we would spend the money but it was a big ouch.

          All that said the big companies are Trupanion which has gobbled up a lot of smaller companies and Pets Best which is what we have.I believe there’s also Nationwide for pets but I don’t think they cover as much as certain things are excluded.

          If you are considering it it’s best to do it when your pet is young and doesn’t have any pre-existing conditions. Once they’re excluding pre-existing conditions then I’d say it’s almost not worth it.

          We get a discount through my husband’s work – he’s in the union Dash so we decided to commit to the insurance. If you are considering purchasing pet insurance, one advantage of Trupanion is that they will usually except billing from the vet directly.

          Good luck with whatever you decide.

    4. TPS reporter*

      Healthy Paws has been pretty good so far. It’s easy to file a claim electronically. They’re a little slow but they cover a lot. I tend to take in older cats who require surgeries and hospital stays so it has really helped with those big bills. It doesn’t cover routine check ups or pre existing conditions, so get it early before your pet has been diagnosed

      1. Belle*

        We also have Healthy Paws for our cat and it has been great so far. The cost is only $20 a month and has a low deductible (we got it when our cat was a kitten). We have used it several times, such as when our cat jumped from a high place and hurt his hi. It doesn’t cover his annual well check but covers everything else once our low deductible is met.

    5. Squidhead*

      We’ve been happy with PetPlan for 3 cats in the US. Two of them are pretty healthy and the plan does not cover preventive care, so their premiums are just peace of mind for us should one of them get sick. The 3rd cat, however, has had 2 life-saving hospitalizations that we couldn’t have afforded and would have had to euthanize him. This is exactly why we have the insurance.

      The coverage is all reimbursements, so you do need to lay out the cash to your vet up front, but the reimbursements have arrived fairly quickly (within one credit card cycle, usually) which works for us.

      1. Squidhead*

        Coming back to add that cats (I think) are cheaper than dogs by a LOT. Each cat’s premium is <$300/year with the multi-policy discount. The one cat's first surgery and hospitalization was nearly $10,000USD, so we figure that we've definitely come out ahead on his care! With the other 2, we feel the peace of mind is worth it but a dog policy might tip the scale the other direction…too expensive for just "peace of mind" and better to just put money in a savings account.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This is very country specific. In the US, pet insurance is not necessarily all that helpful and you’re much better off just saving cash. My understanding is that pet insurance in the UK is much better and seriously worth considering. I’m not in the UK.

    7. Pamela Adams*

      We looked at Nationwide’s pet insurance- it showed up in my work benefits package- but it didn’t make sense.
      What we do have is a wellness plan with Banfield Vets. It’s kind of a pet HMO that covers routine care, including blood work and annual dental. Other expenses are discounted, but that’s less of an issue now that our two Jack Russells live parallel lives to prevent fighting.

    8. Summersun*

      I had VPI. Every single time we tried to make a claim, they screwed us around and magically decided it was a pre-existing condition. We paid premium after premium, and got literally nothing for it. I will never use pet insurance again. Now we set aside pet-related expenses as part of our monthly budget.

  76. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Sorry for the double post (but related to the new kitten), but does anyone have any recommendations for indoor toys for kittens that will help keep them entertained/occupied?

    Her favorite toy right now is an old fashioned ribbon on a string type thing, but I can’t be home all day with that one. So, I need something she can play with on her own while I’m at work.

    1. Cruciatus*

      It’s so hard to say with cats; what one cat loves, my cat probably is probably indifferent to. My kitty boy prefers milk rings to any toy I’ve purchased (I know he plays with them because I always have to sweep them out from under the fridge, stove, and couch). Sometimes he goes after his toy mice, and he likes his catnip toys that are oversized so he can kick it, lick it, bite it. What about a ball on a track toy? I have a circular one that also has a cardboard scratch pad in the middle and it’s something a cat could play with at any time. You can usually buy an inexpensive bag of different toys until you start to see what kind of things your cat likes–things that roll, or things with strings, or toys that crinkle, etc. As a lifelong cat owner, I recommend buying just a few things to start because the minute you think you’ve find the perfect toy your cat will let you know you wasted your money.

    2. CatCat*

      My kitties have a crinkly tube and one just loves running through it, jumping on it, and jumping over it. She can entertain herself for quite some time with these tubes.

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        I may try this one. She seems to like the crinkly noises the ball makes on the one toy. She needs to be entertained during the day so she kinda sleeps at night.

    3. Flower necklace*

      Ping pong balls are great, as long as you can keep them from getting stuck underneath furniture. When my cat was a kitten, he loved chasing after them.

      When I was a kid, we had a cat who loved bouncy balls. He would pick it up in his mouth, take it up the stairs, and watch it slowly bounce down. He was such a smart little cat.

    4. cat socks*

      She might be a bit young to feel the effects, but mine love Yeoww catnipt toys. I’ll keep them scattered around the house for them to find.

      I also have toy mice that they like to bat around and chase around.

      I’ve seen the Ripple Rug online but don’t have fun. You can hide toys underneath it.

      Tower of Tracks or something similar where they can bat around the ball.

      Sheer Fun For Cats – it’s just a sheer piece of fabric with crinkly edges and I’ll hide toys under it for them to pounce on.

  77. question about returns*

    I bought too much of a product (yarn) at Joann Fabric. It’s a lot of yarn and it was in separate orders so I emailed them to find out if I could return it all in the same box or if I needed separate boxes. They emailed a reply telling me they would refund all of it and I don’t need to return it – “Feel free to keep, donate, or discard the yarn.”

    That’s generous of them but I wonder why a store would have this policy. Feels like they would lose a lot of money this way! Anyone know? (I have done one other return with them where this did not happen so I don’t think it’s an across the board policy.)

      1. question about returns*

        Could be but I just did a different return with them about 2 weeks ago and this didn’t happen.

    3. RagingADHD*

      It means the cost of the shipping and processing exceeds the profit margin on the product.

      The craft stores are booming right now, it’s just not worth the trouble for them.

      1. Anonbeth*

        Yup. Many fast fashion companies are similar, in that they’ll accept returns and refund you but will just trash the product. Nice that Joann’s doesn’t keep up that facade and lets you keep it.

    4. Pamela Adams*

      Chewy, the pet supply company does this, and I have also had it on some products from Amazon, Walmart, and Target. I think it’s a combination of COVID and the costs of restocking.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Stores are stuck right now. My friend went into a well-known dollar chain store. He wanted to return a fan that did not work. It was an OBF- out of box failure, which happens sometimes. He was rudely told he could not return it and they could not help him.

      Well they saved $12 by not giving my friend his money back. But they have lost hundreds if not thousands of dollars worth of business PER YEAR for who knows how many years as my friend refuses to go into that store again.

      Clearly the problem was he had touched the fan and they did not want to deal with that. This is understandable. Assuming the retail is 3x their cost, we are talking about a $4 fan that they can just write off. They saved $4 and lost a customer. Not a long term plan.

  78. Gatomon*

    How many cups/plates/bowls/silverware should a person have? I’m looking at replacing all these things, but I’m not sure in what quantity I should purchase.

    When I got my first apartment in college I picked up a set of 10 glasses, a dish set (service for 4) and two very basic sets of silverware that I believe amounts to service for 8. Over the years I’ve lost 2 of the glasses, and it feels like I’m always running out of spoons or plates or bowls. I live alone, but my mom comes over to cook and visit sometimes now. I’d add on to my plate set, but my Corelle pattern has long since been discontinued.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Have you checked EBay or Replacements dot com for your discontinued pattern?

      I have no idea about amounts, because I’ve always been the person who winds up with everyone’s handmedowns. So I’m always getting rid of excess dishes.

      Spoons, though – there are never enough spoons. Ever. I don’t know why, and I don’t know where they go. Tons of forks, not enough spoons.

      I’ve bought extra spoons at least twice in the last 6-7 years. Bed Bath & Beyond and some of the big-box stores have racks where you can buy cutlery by the piece instead of in sets.

    2. Cruciatus*

      For some reason I bought things in 12s. I don’t know what I was thinking as I’m just a single person. It’s too many mugs and I will probably sell most of them at a garage sale one day, but with the plates and silverware it’s actually worked out OK because now I can fill the dishwasher up and I’m not running out of dishes constantly.

      And if I lose or break things I won’t feel the loss too much. So 12 is probably too much, but 8 felt like too little, but I believe Corelle was having a sale and sold the plates/mugs/bowls in packs of 4, so I bought 3 just to have it. 10 wasn’t an option with that sale.

      Also, if you’re particularly fond of your Corelle pattern check out replacements dot com. I have purchased items for my mom to fill in some gaps of silverware and casserole dishes that have been lost or broken over the years. They do sometimes have sales, but you never know how long they’ll have the merchandise. But might be worth a look.

      1. Ron McDon*

        We also have 12 of everything – knives, forks, spoons, plates, bowls – enough for when we have guests and/or so we can fill the dishwasher and still have things to eat off.

    3. Generic Name*

      I think it’s considered “normal” to have enough dishes/cutlery for place settings for 6 people, but if you never have anyone over and don’t mind doing dishes all the time, you can have as few as one place setting, really. But if you feel like you’re always running out, get more. :)

    4. tangerineRose*

      What I did was start to shop for items when I found that I was running out of them before the dishwasher was filled. It does make it harder to get a specific pattern, though.

    5. Chaordic One*

      With dishes and glasses I think it is O.K. to mix and match. If you have Corelle I think it is O.K. to mix it up with a different pattern. Maybe you could find a another pattern in the same color. When I needed to add in some more dishes, I just bought plain white Corelle Classic dishes. (The original pattern I bought had also been discontinued and I am tired of it, anyway.)

      1. Belle*

        I did the same! We bought plain white Corelle as we needed to replace and actually now have all white after many years. The nice thing is the plain is almost always available and goes with lots of decor, so as we repainted it always worked. We have 16 plates, saucers, cereal bowls and regular bowls. We went with this amount because we host Thanksgiving now for our parents and family and just use our white Corelle. My mom actually thought it was China and then realized it was Corelle and brought some herself.

    6. Enough*

      I did everything in 8s when I was first starting out. Upped to 12s when I had a family. In fact I have two sets of everyday silverware (one set of 8 and one set of 12). I ordered extra spoons (50% more) when I got my last set and should have gotten extra knives. I have dishes in a set of 8 and the Corelle ware from when the kids were little and use it all. Even though we are now back down to just 2 I find that I need most of this. We have a dishwasher and it takes a while to fill it up.
      Also recommend replacements dot com. Also for the Corelle ware consider getting an all white set and do a mix and match.

    7. Gatomon*

      Thanks all!! It looks like replacements dot com does have at least a few of the matching dinner plates in stock. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for some of the smaller plates and bowls too. Maybe the best option is to just add until I feel I have enough? (“Enough” would probably be running the dishwasher when it’s full ~90% of the time, instead of when I’m out of everything again. I think this would save at least one load a week on average.)

      I hate having mismatched things, so I think I will start over with my silverware and glasses – they are not special. :)

      1. The teapots are on fire*

        I get the best deal on Etsy for replacements, so check there, too. And think about whether the all-white Corelle coordinates with your pattern and then you can go to town and have a kabillion of everything.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        My mom has some nice dishes, but the glasses are very deliberately plain, because they break easily. She can pick up another box that match or nearly match at any Target, Walmart or department store.

        I always thought that was a good idea.

    8. GoryDetails*

      If you have access to thrift shops you could check there – sometimes they’ll have sets or individual pieces. (Yard sales, too, if that’s a safe option where you are.) And unless you really, really want the set to match, you can just pick up single items in any patterns you like; even if you’re setting the table for company it can be fun to have an eclectic mix of styles. [I think I started out with a settings-for-eight set of dishware and cutlery, whatever was cheapest at Montgomery Ward – remember them? Over the decades, as one pattern dwindled I’d pick up smaller quantities of plates or bowls or forks/spoons from various sources. As others have mentioned, I find it most convenient to have enough on hand to let me fill the dishwasher before I run out.

      A friend of mine started out in his first house with ONE set of dishes and silverware. He didn’t really cook, and any entertaining he did involved sending out for pizza or having the friends-who-did-cook bring something, so he felt no need to use up space with extras. He’d just wash the glass, plate, and cutlery after he used them, and that was that. Sometimes I envy that choice; he never had a sink full of dirty dishes {wry grin}.

    9. Lissajous*

      I live on my own, and I have a combination of Actual Proper Dinner Set Stuff, sharehouse accumulations, and additional crockery. I don’t really eat dinner (lunch is my main meal, which is usually at the office – I worked out a long time ago that I found cooking dinner for one every night very irritating, so I do a big cook for the week on a Sunday), so that may affect your numbers a bit.
      Proper dinner set: I generally go with 8. My table seats 6, so 8 is enough to have people over for dinner plus a couple of spares for whatever – extra sides, something gets broken etc. My set is dinner plates, side plates, and bowls.

      Additional: Bowls! Not related to the actual proper dinner sets! Breakfast bowls I have 7 or 8? Enough to get through the week if I don’t need to run the dishwasher. Plus another 4 in a larger size for weekend breakfast featuring piles of fruit with porridge, or for pasta or soup or whatever. Both of these started with 6, but years in sharehouses and varying ability to acquire replacements have varied the numbers. (Maxwell and Williams Sprinkle – bright, cheerful, long out of production, and it’s a testament to their sturdiness that I still have as many as I do.)

      Cutlery: I have a proper set which is in 8s, I think. My everyday cutlery is sharehouse accumulations – there are enough spoons to get through the week, but only just. (Both because there are vastly more forks than spoons, and because spoons is what I use most.)

      Sharehouse accumulated plates and bowls are used for the cats, on the basis that they’re the most likely to get broken. I’m planning on doing kitchen renos once I have enough dollars squirrelled away, and at that point I’ll deal with the sharehouse stuff I don’t want anymore. Until then, they’ll do!

      Basically, stuff for hosting: how many people do you feed at one time? That number plus a couple spare for sets. Stuff you use every day: how often do you do the washing up/run the dishwasher? For me, I need about a week’s worth of stuff. That gives me a decent dishwasher load. Usually I end up running it a couple of times a week, but not always. (As mentioned, it’s mostly only breakfast bowls for me, and maybe small plates from a bit of toast or other snack in the evening. So no heavy soiling or meat – not the stinky problem it might be otherwise!)

  80. MsChanandlerBong*

    Has anyone ever had horrible symptoms and later found out it was a medication side effect? Long story short, I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and gastroscopy b/c my symptoms were so severe. I had to cancel due to a last-minute change in the hospital’s COVID testing guidelines. In the meantime, my PCP enraged me by not sending my prescriptions to my new mail-order service for eight days after the mail-order company requested them (and they sent multiple requests). I ran out of my Protonix, a PPI used to treat GERD. I didn’t want to fill it at my local pharmacy because then my mail-order company wouldn’t be able to get my insurance to cover their fill, so I just didn’t take it for a week. Miraculously, my symptoms (which had been DAILY for over a year) went away.

    I need to find something else for the GERD, as I have had non-stop heartburn since my last dose of Protonix wore off, but I am happy not to have severe GI distress every day. Has this happened to anyone else? I am thrilled to avoid the $1,000+ out-of-pocket costs of the canceled procedures.

    1. Anon for this one*

      Quite a few years ago, when I was suffering from depression, my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant called “Celexa” in combination with another anti-depressant. I had been on the other antidepressant for a while and had noticed an improvement with it. The Celexa was supposed to help the other anti-depressant work better, although I never really noticed any significant change during the time I took Celexa. At about the same time that I started the Celexa, I came down with an annoying cold, mostly a runny nose and sore throat that wouldn’t go away. It didn’t seem that bad, so I kept going to work and to my regular counseling sessions with a social worker. It was my social worker who made the connection. I didn’t have a cold after all, the runny nose was a side-effect from the Celexa, the sore throat a result of the constant runny nose. So I phoned my doctor and stopped the Celexa with his approval, but continued with the other anti-depressant I was taking.

    2. Enough*

      Milder but my daughter had a constant stomach ache from taking Claritin. And I got dizzy from using aspertame in coffee.

    3. Alex*

      My mom was once put on a medication that caused her blood sugar to skyrocket. Before then she had no symptoms of diabetes whatsoever. Fortunately it turned out she didn’t really need that medication and as soon as she stopped taking it her blood sugar went back to normal.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Yes, I finally figured put that my poor circulation and swelling feet were due to (or being exacerbated by) my ADHD stimulant meds.

      Switched to a non stimulant, gone.

    5. Girasol*

      Company physician gave me a pack of Flexaril samples for a back strain. I took the stuff and I was gone. Every few hours I would wake from a sort of dream state with no idea how I had got to where I found myself. I’d be at work in the morning and then a moment later I’d be home after dark. I woke up in a mall miles away, scared because I didn’t know how I got there or how to get home. And then I was laying on my back on the living room floor with a bag of purchases beside me and no idea what happened. I did manage to keep up with the doses for several days that mostly vanished from memory. Then I woke up completely, realized what was happening, and threw it all out. It still gives me the creeps. Something awful could have happened but it didn’t. At least I don’t think it did.

    7. Summersun*

      I thought I was having circulation problems, but it turned out that my numb/tingling hands and feet were a side effect of my Imitrex. I switched to Zomig and have been fine.

      In regards to your specific problem, I took Protonix for several years for GERD. My gastro weaned me off because my kidney labs started showing reduced function, which is a known problem when you use PPIs for an extended period of time. I felt hopeless because it was the only medication that gave me any relief. I’ve since become able to control it with lifestyle changes (quitting dairy and sugar, losing 50 pounds, and doing 16:8 IF). Best of luck to you.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I have kidney disease, so I am technically not supposed to take it, but my GERD is so bad that the doctor was worried that I would end up with Barrett’s esophagus or esophageal cancer. So I’ve been on it for seven years! My trigger foods are very odd. I can drink water and get heartburn from it. Lettuce, grains (like rice and wheat cereals), and orange juice are also among my top triggers. Funnily enough, I don’t get heartburn from spicy foods (like something made with jalapeno peppers).

    8. little bitty kitty*

      My dad nearly had major surgery for something that turned out to be a medication side-effect. Luckily the potential side-effect was caught by a new GP just before surgery, medication switched, symptoms mostly gone and holding, 10 years later.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was on a particular insulin. He was waking up at 2 am with a blood sugar of 40 (extremely low) and ravenously hungry- eat a Thanksgiving meal hungry.
      He quit the insulin and the low blood sugars stopped and the extreme munchies stopped.

    10. Finny*

      I was put on Abilify when my shrink thought I was bipolar. He put me on 45mg per night, which is, or was at the time, technically an overdose of the stuff. I took it (though I’m not bipolar–autistic, yes, bipolar no), and it gave me terrible restless legs. I got off the Abilify over ten years ago, but the restless legs have continued ever sense. It sucks.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A long time ago, yes. In the late 80s/early 90s there was an antihistamine that eventually got yanked & reworked because it was giving people heart palpitations. I looked it up: Seldane in the US, Triludan in the UK, Teldane in Australia. I figured it out myself after reading news articles –a roommate had bought it over the counter in Europe and put it in the common closet when back from the trip. So it wasn’t even on the market here to be a blip on my doctor’s radar. Scary… they sent me for a transesophageal echocardiogram, which said I was healthy. Two weeks later I was volunteering in a musty basement and took a tablet…bam. Two days after that I read about it.

  81. Can't Write a Lick*

    Do you remember your high school prom?

    At my high school, it was called the junior prom. I didn’t especially care for the name, because either it implied that there was also a senior prom (there wasn’t), or that it was for juniors only (it wasn’t). I think it should have been called the junior-senior prom, because at least one person in each couple had to be a junior or a senior at our school. I suppose it was called the junior prom because every year, the junior class was responsible for organizing it.

    A lot of junior and senior boys asked freshman and sophomore girls to go to the prom with them, meaning that there were a lot of junior and senior girls who had to look elsewhere for dates. Tickets were sold only to couples. You could not buy a ticket just for yourself. If you didn’t have a date, you could go to the prom with other friends who didn’t have a date, but all of you would have to pair off and pretend that you were in couples when it came to buying tickets. All of the dances were slow dances. No fast dancing or dancing in circles of kids.

    Theoretically, the junior and senior girls were free to ask freshman and sophomore boys to take them to the prom, but it just wasn’t done. There was some sort of stigma attached to couples where the girl was older than the boy. I remember a girl in my class who was a new girl when she was in the fourth grade. At her old school, she had skipped a year. She asked a sophomore boy to take her to the prom, and she made a big deal out of going around and reminding everyone that she had skipped a year and telling us that the sophomore boy, while a year behind us, was actually a little older than she was.

    The dateless junior and senior girls that really wanted to go to the prom resorted to asking their cousins or sons of their parents’ friends to take them. Then they pretended that their dates were “boyfriends who went to another high school.” I was one of those girls.

    Nominations for prom queen and prom king were held at the beginning of the school year. Five girls and five boys were nominated. Couples were not nominated. You couldn’t be sure that the boy and girl who were a couple at the beginning of the school year would still be a couple in May. It was always assumed that the girls who were nominated wouldn’t have any trouble getting asked to the prom. In my junior year, one of the girls who was nominated wasn’t asked. This was brought to the attention of our class advisors, who pressured a boy who had been nominated for prom king to ask her. (The boy had complained loudly and often about this, saying that proms were stupid, and prom kings were stupid, and he didn’t even want to go to the prom.) Everyone knew about this, because the boy made a point of complaining to everyone about being forced to go to the prom. The girl confided in me a few years later that the boy had been paid to take her. She said that when they were at the prom, he refused to talk to her or dance with her.

    The school made a huge deal out of the prom. When I was a freshman and sophomore, about a week before the prom, the teachers would ask, “Who is going to the prom? Raise your hands!” There were always some girls in my classes who had been asked by juniors and seniors. They would take turns going to the front of the class and telling everyone who had asked them, and what color dress they would be wearing. There was no stigma attached to not having been asked to the prom when you were a freshman or sophomore, but in January of my junior year, I cried to my mother that I didn’t think that anyone would ask me to the prom, and I was dreading feeling humiliated in front of everyone. My mother convinced me to ask my cousin. I did ask him eventually because none of the boys in my class asked me.

    It was a tradition at my school for girls who were going to the prom not to show up for classes that day (prom was always held on Friday night). It was because they had to go to the salon to get their hair done. I was furious when my mother insisted that I go to my morning classes. She said that she would pick me up at school and take me to the salon. It was because I went to school that morning that I found out what happens to junior (and presumably senior) girls on prom day. All of the teachers asked, “What are you doing here? Aren’t you going to the prom? Don’t you want to go to the prom?” I would tell all of them very cheerfully that yes, I was going to the prom, and my mother would pick me up later on.

    What are your prom memories?

    1. Pamela Adams*

      I managed to escape mine- I was on the weird, geeky side, and went to some dances, but with friends. This was the late 1970’s.

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        How did the teachers act? Did they make a big fuss over the girls who went, while humiliating the girls who weren’t asked?

        1. Person from the Resume*

          OMG, no. Honestly that’s creepy.

          I didn’t go to my prom which was in 1992. It was held on a Saturday night; skipping school was unnecessary, but also would have never been allowed by school staff for something so frivolous. I’d say no one noticed I didn’t go except someone delivered the fancy glasses that were gifts for the seniors to me the next Monday.

          You’re story is super strange to me. Like the adults care way too much about who’s going and the whole system really is full of patriarchy (dates required, boys can ask younger girls, but girl can’t ask younger guys which leaves the girls out.).

          Also selecting the nominees for king & queen months before the prom seems weirdly unnecessary but again makes a bigger deal prom than should be paid attention to a school dance.

          1. Can't Write a Lick*

            “I’d say no one noticed I didn’t go except someone delivered the fancy glasses that were gifts for the seniors to me the next Monday.”

            I don’t know about that. To me, it says that someone thought it was a great idea to give the seniors their gifts at the prom because everyone would be there. And when it was pointed out, they had to come up with a Plan B. So someone (and possibly someones) knew exactly who wasn’t at the prom.

            Girls were allowed to ask younger boys, but they didn’t because of the stigma, not because of any school rules. But that was just my school. A friend told me that she asked her younger cousin who went to the same school to take her to the prom (he had a different last name, and no one knew that they were cousins), and she told me that his friends said to him, “A senior girl asked you to the prom? Wow! That’s so cool!”

            I know that nominees were selected months ahead of time, because I distinctly remember crying to my mother in January that I wouldn’t be going to the prom in May and saying that a girl in one of my classes was nominated for prom queen, so she would be going. I really don’t see a problem with the nominations being held so far in advance.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Aw, prom. My junior year I went to our Winter Formal (all grades 9-12, girls ask boys) and Spring Prom (junior/senior only, anyone asks anyone). For prom, I asked a swim team friend since no one asked me. We went in a big pack with a bunch of theater/band kids and had an absolute blast. Dancing with him was ludicrous and gave me a neck-ache, as he was 14 inches taller than me. But we laughed all night and had so much fun.

      My senior year rolled around and based on how awesome both events were previously, I was excited to go again! And…I didn’t find a date to either one. I wasn’t dating anyone and all my guy friends were snapped up early. At my school, the girls were aggressive about locking in their dates months in advance for both. I was devastated! A few weeks before prom one of my good guy friends was shocked to find out that several of us didn’t have dates. He said he was sure he could find someone. A week later he came back and said yep, you were right, there really is no one. My best friend ended up being asked literally the night before by some rando at a party, which made me even more sad. (We all had dresses, because we assumed we’d go.) But her date was a total bust and she ditched him to join our little group of friends at the After Prom, an overnight casino party at an event hall. We ended up really enjoying ourselves, and it was kind of nice to be stag. It wasn’t the prom my teenage dreamer heart hoped for, but we still had fun that night.

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        That couldn’t have happened at my high school, someone being asked to the prom the night before, because they wouldn’t have been able to get tickets. It appears that your school was like my school – even if you went with a friend or in a big group, all of you had to present yourselves as couples.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I am pretty sure we were allowed by the school to go solo if we wanted, but socially that was not acceptable!

    3. Alex*

      Wow–that all sounds really stressful!

      Our prom was for seniors, although seniors could ask underclassmen to be their dates. I didn’t go, because I was vehemently against dances and fancy dresses, lol. All of my friends went and assured me they could arrange a date for me, although I’m pretty sure people went without dates as well, but I just really didn’t want to. The expense was so much! Between tickets (which I think were like maybe $50?) and a dress I just thought it was a big waste of money that I didn’t have.

      I have no regrets–my friends all said it was really lame.

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        “I didn’t go, because I was vehemently against dances and fancy dresses, lol.”

        Ha ha! That sounds like the guy at my high school, except that he was vehemently against tuxes.

        “All of my friends went and assured me they could arrange a date for me,”

        He had no need of a friend or anyone else arranging a date for him, which was the difference between the boys and the girls at my school. Any freshman girl or sophomore girl who hadn’t already been asked would have been thrilled to go with him! A lot of junior girls who hadn’t been asked would have loved to go with him. He was nominated for prom king! He was popular! Everyone’s parents liked him! He just didn’t want to go, although he did allow himself to be bribed in order to go.

        “although I’m pretty sure people went without dates as well, but I just really didn’t want to.”

        At my school, you couldn’t go without a date/friend. Tickets were not sold to just one person. I guess you could have pretended to have a date and bought a ticket for two, and then show up alone and say that your date got sick, but no one did that. No one would have danced with you. You would have spent most of the night sitting at the table by yourself.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      The first time I heard of EDS was at my highschool prom while one of the caterers relocated my hip.

      I don’t know if he’s out there or if he reads this blog, but wherever you are Mark, thank you.

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        Do you mean Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome? If so, this is the first time that I have heard of it. Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Hey, I ended up having a great time. Mark let me have an entire one of the full-size chocolate bundt cakes and an icepack post-dislocation, told me about a bunch of Ehler’s-Danlos resources that I accessed later, and when the teachers tried to heckle me into dancing again he ripped them a new one.

          I was also one of the few people who went to prom solo, and I really only went because my mom had already gotten so excited that she picked out a dress. I figured I was gonna dance for a bit to appease the teachers and then hang out in a corner with my book and decline the alcohol and/or drugs that people smuggled in.

    5. Anon, Here*

      Ugh, prom. I didn’t go my senior prom because I’d had a miserable time when I went with a senior when I was a junior. I had to convince the swim coach/teacher that I wasn’t going because I didn’t WANT to; he offered to find a senior guy to take me. Actually, it was kind of sweet of him, but misguided. Frankly, looking back and looking now at the focus and money spent on it all, it seems like too much pressure and adult themes are put on prom, and many, if not most, of the prom-goers are still too immature to handle it all well.

      My date for the prom when I was a junior didn’t tell me in advance that he’d booked a hotel room for afterwards, as had a bunch of his friends in the same hotel. When I realized we weren’t heading towards my home and he told me where we were going, I just kept saying “take.me.home.” Which he did. Leading up to the prom, we had been dating, which had pretty much fizzled out by that night, and that was the final nail in the coffin. Found out later he had cheated on me some weeks before with a girl I worked with while I was grounded for a weekend; she told me, as she felt badly about it. I don’t miss high school!

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        “I had to convince the swim coach/teacher that I wasn’t going because I didn’t WANT to; he offered to find a senior guy to take me. Actually, it was kind of sweet of him, but misguided.”

        I’m wondering if the swim coach tried to find dates for all of the girls who hadn’t been asked. Because my class advisors couldn’t have cared less about the many girls who hadn’t been asked. (When they fixed up the girl who was nominated for prom queen, that was before I asked my cousin to take me. As far as my class advisors were concerned, they didn’t give two hoots about me or the other girls.)

        And you don’t even know if he would have succeeded in finding someone for you (assuming that you wanted to go). And, if he had found a boy, would that boy have been gracious and polite? Or would he have told everyone that he was taking you to the prom only because the swim coach bullied him into it? We don’t know!

        I’m sorry for what happened in your junior year, but thank goodness he took you home.

    6. Girasol*

      After attending a few high school dances I didn’t find the idea of a prom as enticing as my childhood Barbie-and-Ken games had suggested. Our little school held dances with a local band that could play Light My Fire really well and a couple other songs sort of. So they would play their signature number, attempt a second song, and then call for requests so that someone would shout “Light My Fire!” and they could play it again. Boys would line up on one wall, girls on the other, and they would whisper and point across the cafetorium at each other. We had a handful of actual couples who danced in front of everyone but the floor was always pretty empty. I always imagined the prom being pretty much the same: people squirming in uncomfortably formal outfits, too embarrassed to dance, pasted against the walls and listening to “Light My Fire.” It might have been completely different but that’s how I remember the prom I didn’t go to.

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        I obviously don’t know what happened at your prom, but that’s not what happened at my prom. Couples danced together, hardly ever stopping to take a break. They all looked like they were having fun. Even the girls who came to the prom with their cousins had fun, because they thought that it was more fun being at the prom than sitting at home alone. When you go to a prom with a date, you expect to dance, not to stand against a wall and stare. Proms are different from regular school dances, where it’s customary to show up without a date.

    7. Anon, Here*

      It sounds like your school handled it particularly badly — what’s with the teachers asking who’s going, etc.!? And not letting students go without a date? Too much interest and influence from the adults here!

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        I know! I don’t know what got into those teachers. I remember crying to my mother in January that I was already worried about one of my classes. That class consisted of five students, including me, and I had had the teacher previously, and I knew that she made a huge fuss about the prom. I told my mother that two of the kids in my class would be going with each other, and the senior boy wouldn’t have any trouble finding date, and the girl was going to go because she was nominated for prom queen, and I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I was the only one in the class who wasn’t going. That’s when she told me that I could ask my cousin.

        As for not letting students go without a date, it was customary at my school to sell prom tickets to couples, and I really don’t think that there was anyone who really wanted to go by himself/herself. I have no problems going to a restaurant or the movies or on vacation by myself, but I wouldn’t want to go to a formal dance by myself where I would know ahead of time that everyone else there would be part of a couple.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I went to exactly one school dance in my life and it was in the seventh grade, heh. No prom or homecoming or anything else for me. (Nobody asked me, but I also just generally didn’t care if I went or not, and not going seemed simpler.)

      1. Can't Write a Lick*

        It seems that your school was low-key about it, and that’s good. I wouldn’t have cared about not going to the prom except for the huge fuss the teachers made about it, and what I posted upthread about worrying about being singled out as the only kid in my class who wouldn’t be going.

    9. OyHiOh*

      My school (conservative Lutheran high school/college campus) did not have “prom.” We were too good and special to have a “prom,” not to mention, a “prom” implied dancing would be had and we were too godly and special to allow students to dance.

      We had Senior Banquet instead, which was a wild misnomer. The Junior class planned the thing. You couldn’t attend unless you were a high school Junior/Senior, or in the college division – but Freshmen//Sophmore girls could attend if asked by an older boy. Very rigid gender lines. Older girls *never* brought younger boys to Banquet (well, I brought my younger brother, my Senior year) and same sex couples were absolutely forbidden.
      By now, the question must surely be, well what did this “senior banquet consist of, if not dancing!?!?”

      Naturally, given the godly/special/goodness and kindness attitude of the school, it probably will not surprise you to learn that Senior Banquet consisted of a sit-down “formal” dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town.
      I assure you that the only thing formal about the meal was that the girls had to wear formal gowns (why yes, there was a strict dress code, why do you ask?????) and the boys had to wear a *suit.* Not a shirt and tie, not a blazer and dress slacks, a *suit,* and corsages for boys and girls both were sold on campus as a fundraiser for the next year’s Banquet (the majority of students lived on campus as boarding students and most didn’t have cars so getting your flowers on campus was about the only part of this that made any sense at all. After an oddly silent dinner (no speeches, thank goodness, but also no music because that might lead to dancing), everyone went back to campus for GAMES and ENTERTAINMENT consisting of middle school fundraising carnival type games in the gym!! How fun! Still no music because that might lead to dancing. It was just as unbearable as you are probably imagining.

      Our “fun” tradition related to Banquet was, the next day (Banquet was always on a Saturday) the girls wore their formals to *church.* How charming!

      If there are any refugees from that school who recognize in this description their own Senior Banquet, I am pleased to make your acquaintance ;-)

      1. OyHiOh*

        I should also note that my understanding is that in the twenty plus years since I left, I’ve come to understand that the policy about dancing has become slightly less strict. I believe the PE teachers even started teaching square dancing as part of the physical education curriculum! So it’s quite possible that Banquet has become a somewhat less dull affair in more recent times.

      2. Can't Write a Lick*

        “We had Senior Banquet instead, which was a wild misnomer. The Junior class planned the thing. You couldn’t attend unless you were a high school Junior/Senior, or in the college division – but Freshmen//Sophmore girls could attend if asked by an older boy. Very rigid gender lines. Older girls *never* brought younger boys to Banquet (well, I brought my younger brother, my Senior year) and same sex couples were absolutely forbidden.”

        Wow! This sounds just like my high school, except that no one at my high school would have brought their older or younger brother. Instead, they brought their cousins or sons of their parents’ friends, and those boys were told to pretend that they were the girls’ boyfriends. I don’t know if same sex couples were forbidden. No one at my high school was out of the closet at that time.

        The boys at my school couldn’t wear suits to the prom. They had to rent tuxedoes. But then, they weren’t boarding students, and their parents had cars.

        Your saying that the girls wore their formals to church the following day reminded me that on the Monday after the prom, the girls who had gone showed up at school with their hair as untouched as possible since Friday night (so that we could all see the remnants of their wedding-cake updos) and wearing their dead corsages. The ratty hair and dead flowers were the all-important proof that they had gone to the prom.

    11. Lost in the Woods*

      My prom was not that long ago (relatively recent college grad). I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and every year my principal would hold a senior class meeting and ask the class if this was going to be the year they made her happy and decided not to bother to throw a prom (she retired two years ago, and to my knowledge no class ever did). It was open to juniors and seniors. Some people took their boyfriends from other schools (we had two other Catholic schools which were co-ed but much larger than ours, and two very large public schools in the area, so you could date if you wanted to make an effort), but a lot of people went with a group of friends, which is what I did. We nominated the prom queen (she was sole ruler) candidates about a month in advance, and my group of friends (the geeky crowd) decided to nominate one of our own – she didn’t win, but our weird and goofy campaign posters were hilarious and did cause the student council considerable annoyance (they took prom ludicrously seriously -apparently we were meant to pretend it wasn’t a popularity contest). I got my dress on overstock.com – it fit except it was a tall size, and I’m 5’2, so my friend’s mom who was an excellent sewist helped me hem it. I still have it actually! Haven’t had the opportunity to wear a floor-length beaded dress in a while, and I’m glad I didn’t spend very much money on it. My group went for the dinner, stayed for about an hour of dancing, and then left at around 9 and went to one of our friends’ houses to watch movies and eat donuts. It was actually super fun and I have very fond memories of it.

    12. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Meanwhile at my high school, they searched any vehicle arriving at the venue (to make sure no one was smuggling in booze) and had monitors in the bathroom (because there had been a snorting-coke-off-the-sinks-incident in the 90s.)

      You could go however you wished (alone! with a group! same sex partner! no one cared) but there was a sit down dinner served and the tables seated 12, so everyone had to negotiate their party into multiples of 12. If they were big they’d have to divide; small and you’d have to find another small group to fill your table.

      Usually the highlight of both junior and senior prom were the pricey debauched afterparties. For junior prom it was a one night thing; for senior prom it was often a whole weekend at a hotel or something. Both were sex/booze/weed soaked affairs.

    13. RagingADHD*

      At my school, it was just called “prom” and the juniors “hosted” it for the seniors. So the juniors did the planning, fundraising, and decorating.

      I don’t recall the teachers ever taking any notice of it, except in logistical terms – scheduling the room for the decorating committee, chaperoning, etc. I think we were allowed to work on committee tasks during study hall, but otherwise everything happened outside school hours, like the other extracurriculars.

      Nobody got time off to get their hair done. I’m pretty sure it was on a Saturday night. And nobody did class presentations about their dresses. Sorry, that’s just wierd.

      Some folks went with friends or in groups. I don’t recall a lot of gossip about who was taking who, except among close friends. I didn’t date much, but I did get asked jr year by one of the senior boys, which was very surprising and rather thrilling. We started going out after that. He promised to take me the next year as well, but of course by then he’d gone off to college and we’d sort of gone off each other.

      When senior prom rolled around, he was pretty lackadaisical about answering my calls, and I was livid when he was late picking me up. Eventually, I got a call that he’d been at the beach all day drinking with his buddies. My BFF and her date picked me up, and I wound up dancing in a big group with them most of the night. It was mostly fast dance music, with a few slow dances. I remember “Melt With You” and “The End of the World as We Know It” were still in popular rotation, but not new.

      My date did show up, properly dressed, in time for pictures. The formal portraits were really the big deal of the evening, as far as traditions go.

      The big thing I remember was that somehow all the popular girls decided that big poufy formals were “out,” and knee length cocktail dresses were “in.” And everyone except me, my BFF, and maybe 2 other girls got the memo. So we were there in our Gunne Sax and Laura Ashley taffeta floofs, and everyone else was super-sophisticated.

      I never did figure out how that social grapevine works. Seventeen magazine was all about the floofs, all the stores were all about the floof. I guess all the other not-popular girls spent more time eavesdropping on the hot clique? No clue.

    14. Summersun*

      Mine was held a month after one of the cheerleaders died in a car accident. All the jocks got stumbling drunk, hijacked the DJ table, and weepingly dedicated an hour of bad karaoke to her memory. We left early.

    15. 653-CXK*

      Attended neither junior nor senior prom – I just wasn’t interested, and the rigmarole and stress of getting ready, renting a limo, getting pictures, and watching some of my former classmates acting like drunken louts wasn’t worth the ticket price.

    16. CTT*

      omg, that is a nightmare!!

      My school was huge so we only had a senior prom. We lived in the DC suburbs so we went into DC for dinner (an administrator selling tickets asked where we were going and when I said a place in DC, she gave me the hairy eyeball and said “you know, people used to go to dinner in DC for prom because you could drink at 18 there.” And I was like “okay, but you can’t now, so…”). I picked a cool sushi place and when we walked in, a group of people in their 30s saw us and immediately yelled “PROM! WHOOOOOO” and they applauded us as we came in. Afterwards, we had time to kill and went to the Lincoln Memorial and took pictures. Prom itself was lame, but I’m glad we had such a fun time beforehand.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      OMG, some of these experiences sound like nightmares. It sounds almost like a hold over of debutant parties.
      They were still doing those when I was growing up. I was very clear with my parents that I would find that highly embarrassing. End of that problem.

      I skipped my proms. I did not know that many people who went. (Out of a class of several hundred people.) Of the few that went, they had little to say about the proms. I do remember one popular girl crying because no one asked her. She was really pretty and very sweet. It really tugged at my heartstrings. The reason no one asked her is because everyone assumed she was asked a while ago and she was all set. I guess she did finally get asked.

      I do remember lots of drama with some people saying, “There will be no prom and no yearbook because no one wants to help set these things up!” Seeing that, I was less wanting to get involved. Our school was good at being apathetic or maybe that was just what the 70s were.

    18. apples or oranges*

      We had a junior prom and senior prom. No real rules about tickets or anything. It was pretty chill and a bunch of people never went to the dance.

      Our student council did a lot of fundraising throughout the year to provide free tickets/etc for students who wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise.

      I went with a date for my junior prom and that was my first kiss and I remember being wildly disappointed by how wet and gross it was. Teenage me really wanted a foot pop like Anne Hathaway had in The Princess Diaries and I was more disappointed by that not happening than the bad first kiss (priorities, okay).

      For senior prom a bunch of my friends pooled our money together to get a limo and we all went as one big group. The two highlights I remember were everyone freaking out when Crazy In Love and Toxic was played (they both came on after slow songs and the transition from awkward swaying to everyone jumping around went from 1 to 100 real quick). And also my friends and I having our limo stop at McDonalds and feeling super fancy for being in a prom dress and eating chicken nuggets and milkshakes. lol youth.

      I have fuzzy yet fond memories of it. Prom is a fun event for high school and because when you’re 16-18 you don’t really get many opportunities to dress up and pretend to be fancy. But it wasn’t a life defining moment for me anything.

    19. Anna*

      This sounds like hell to me. I am not living in the US and only knows these traditions from movies which I ment were over the top, but apparently not.. In my european highscool we had a graduation party, everyone signed up for themselves, of cource a couple came together, but most of us just went and met our friends at the party had fun went home

    20. voluptuousfire*

      I was the only person who went to my prom solo. I didnt have a date and didn’t bother with one. Apparently we had a prom comittee and I only heard about it once they called the prom comittee up to the DJ booth.

      I dont really remember much but do recall girls changing out of their prom dresses into club wear to go to the megaclubs in Manhattan afterward. This was the mid-late 90s, the era of Tunnel and Limelight and Peter Gatien and club kids.

  82. anonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*

    Has anyone done IUI? My partner and I are trying to research both in terms of what to expect, how the process goes, what ducks we need in a row, etc. Normally we’re both really good at researching but so far it seems like everything google says is super vague. Is that normal and it’s very dependent on your doctors and specific situation so it has to be vague? I’m finding myself very unsettled that I don’t have enough info or where or how to begin or even what we should be researching.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Hey! As a longtime infertile person and veteran of the wars, the quick answer is: it depends. Unfortunately, the success rates of IUI depend heavily on your specific situation (male factor, female factor, unexplained, whatever) and to a lesser extent your physician, so it depends. If you can give a little more information on your specific situation I might be able to point you in the right direction!

      1. anonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*

        Thanks. The type of info I’m after is more like: where do you start? We’re both women so the male factor will be donated. Is step 1 with your own doctor and ask for a referral? With a fertility clinic specifically? Do any regular obgyns do it or is it basically go directly to a fertility clinic, do no pass go, sort of thing? Do we start with a bank? We’ve read up plenty on likelihood of success, but the types of stuff I’m not really finding is more like order of operations on picking various providers, expected timelines (which I know can vary but like…what is a normal ballpark), how do you actually align all the timing of when to do things, that sort of thing.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          OK, yes. Your best success is going to be with a reproductive endocrinologist. I know occasionally some OBGYNs do it, but they don’t have good success rates because it’s not their wheelhouse.

          Begin by getting a referral to an RE and discuss with them. Almost certainly they’ll advise that the partner who’s going to carry will get some testing done, but any ordinary fertility clinic will be well-versed in female couples and they’ll be able to advise more specifically to your situation. You can certainly start looking around at sperm banks in your area, if there are more than one, but your RE’s office will be able to advise on that as well.

          The big question is medicated or unmedicated. Unmedicated just means that the IUI will be performed on the appropriate cycle day and they’ll let nature take its course from there. Medicated means that the partner will take something like clomid to encourage egg production. This is going to depend heavily on your RE, your personal medical history, and your own desires. It’s not uncommon to start off with 1-2 unmedicated and then move onto medicated if there’s no success.

          It’s hard to say expected timelines because it’s all so very personal. For some couples it works on the first try. For some it works never and they need to go to IVF. Most REs will advise that couples with no other issues will make 3-5 IUI attempts before moving to IVF.

          1. anonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*

            Thank you sooooooooo much. This is so helpful. Timelinewise I think what I’m wondering is more like from the time of the first appointment with the OB and getting the referral to the RE – to the time when someone *might* be pregnant (knowing full well it might take a few tries), but if it works within say 3 attempts, is that ranging potentially 4-8 months from point zero? Or more like assume we won’t even get to that point for a year? Something more between? Longer?
            I really really appreciate the info.

            1. Valancy Snaith*

              Oh, goodness. I’m not in the US so I’m not up on how long referrals take there, and COVID has thrown a big wrench into the way most fertility clinics work, so I’m sorry I can’t help from there.

              But I can say that generally once you are an RE patient things tend to move along pretty quickly. If they’re opting to do bloodwork and ultrasounds, budget 1-2 months for that (because the tests have to be done at certain days within the cycle, and if you missed that month already, you gotta wait), but once the results are back they can generally get the ball rolling fairly quickly. Some REs will ask that you wait a month between attempts, some will let you go right ahead and try the next month. As a very, very ballpark estimate, I’d say that if you’re lucky and everything lines up, you might have one IUI under your belt six months from the time you receive your referral to the RE.

  83. Girasol*

    After the haircut discussion above I want to note that a FlowBee is a pretty good pandemic hair cutter for short to medium length hair. My husband bought an ancient one at garage sale and I finally tried it. As hokey as it sounds, that vacuum cleaner hair cutter actually works. It took a little time for me to get the hang of it, but it didn’t result in a bad haircut, just a slow one. Alone I can do a medium length layered cut (to the collar in back, top and sides shorter) almost as well as a good professional cut and definitely better than some poor professional cuts that I’ve paid good money for. I mention it because I just found out that those things are still for sale on the FlowBee website. I was looking for replacement parts for ours (the plastic is brittle, it’s so old) and found that not only is the kit still available but they also sell an inexpensive little high powered vacuum to go with it if you prefer that over a floor vac. With all the hoses and cords of a floor vac plus a FlowBee in a tiny bathroom it’s like being caged with a giant octopus, so I might have to get us one of those.

  84. Jaid*

    Ah, I’m cooking corn using the Nero Wolfe technique of tossing unhusked ears in the oven at it’s hottest for 40 minutes and it smells sooo good. (I did remove the dirty parts of the husk and trimmed the silk off the ears). Now for some butter, salt and pepper.

    Anyone else find recipes in novels, mysteries, etc, that they followed with success?

    1. Lemon Curdle*

      I plan to try Erin Morgenstern’s cinnamon sour cream cookies from The Starless Sea! I haven’t actually got to the mention of them yet but she posted the recipe on her blog.

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      It isn’t a recipe, but I have attempted two household tricks learned from books: pepper as an ant repellent (results were not particularly good) and cold running water to remove bloodstain from cloth (this I can recommend).

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve picked up quite a few – some from the deliberately-included recipes, such as many cozy-mystery series have, but also the just-mentioned-in-passing types. The Nero Wolfe books are a good start, as Rex Stout was very fond of gourmet food himself. The Lord Peter Wimsey books also feature some tasty foods now and then, though details are usually lacking – though in one instance, Bunter’s trying to worm some info from the cook at a suspect’s house, and between them they provide a luscious-sounding recipe for casseroled chicken…

      I do have a fondness for cookbooks based on fictional works; some of those feature recipes that have been painstakingly researched so as to match the description and time-period in the books. There are collections of Nero Wolfe recipes (brown butter scrambled eggs remain a favorite of mine to this day), Lord Peter, Sherlock Holmes, and many more.

    4. Mephyle*

      Two potato recipes.
      1. From a Full House book, the one where Stephanie tries to run a catering business. When my kids were tweens, we all read those books together. Thus, “Stephanie Potatoes”: Boil some potatoes. Frantically mash them (don’t bother to peel). Throw in some garlic powder or mashed garlic, butter, and paprika. Mash to combine well. [I guess there would be salt in it too, but I don’t remember if that was mentioned in the story.]
      2. From Shopaholic and Sister. Becky (the “shopaholic”) is disconcerted to find how frugally her newly-discovered half-sister Jess likes to live. Jess is appalled at Becky’s wasteful and impulsive shopping habits. She learns that Becky’s bottle of sports drink costs £2.95. “You could buy a 20 kg sack of potatoes for that!” “But… I don’t want a 20-kg sack of potatoes,” Becky says.
      “Then you should!” answers Jess. “Potatoes are one of the most nutritious, cost-effective foods available. You could live off potatoes and milk. You’d get practically every nutrient the body needs, just from those two.”
      And thus we have… Jessica Potatoes.
      Cut up some potatoes into pieces. Cook them in milk, salted to taste, until done. Jess didn’t mention it, but you can add some pieces of onion to cook with the potatoes. For this dish, I like to slice them into onion rings and cut them into quarters.
      This seems like it would too simple to be tasty, but it really is good. You can be extravagant and melt a little butter into it, too, though I doubt Jess would approve.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Potatoes are a huge plot point for The Martian. :)
        Recipes are at the back of some books… but for me it’s more the kind of food they’re eating than one specific recipe.

    5. jleebeane*

      I know it’s really too late to reply, but I recently finished A Little Life, by Hanya Yanagihara, which mentions cornmeal gingersnaps in passing and now I’m obsessed with making them. A quick Google search didn’t turn up any recipes that quite matched what I had in my head for cornmeal gingersnaps so I plan to do some experimenting and see what I can come up with! I feel like they should taste just like a normal gingersnap, but crunchier and pleasantly gritty, if such a thing is possible.

  85. Melody Pond*

    I’m hoping I can get some advice from more experienced bakers. I’ve just started doing a little bit of baking – I made a basic white bread last weekend (first time ever doing it by hand/not with a bread machine), and it turned out okay!

    Well now I’d like to try a recipe that includes the following:
    – 1/2 cup mashed yam (106 g)
    – 2 1/2 cups all purpose flour (298 g)
    – 1 cup whole wheat flour (113 g)

    Plus the standard yeast, salt, butter, water, a little milk. There’s also some yummy spices, and there’s the option to add in 1/2 cup of raisins towards the end.

    But – this recipe also says to add 1 tablespoon (7 g) of vital wheat gluten. I’ve researched it a bit and my understanding is that adding extra vital wheat gluten can assist with whole-grain recipes where the flour would otherwise require more kneading to activate the gluten sufficiently. But this recipe only has a little bit of whole wheat flour and mashed yam – the majority of the flour is the all-purpose flour. (Admittedly, I might rather shift the proportions a bit in favor of the whole wheat flour – maybe 2 cups of all-purpose and 1 1/2 cups of whole wheat, if I can.)

    Is the vital wheat gluten really necessary? Or could I just compensate by making extra-sure I knead the dough thoroughly?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. little bitty kitty*

      I’d skip the gluten. I don’t think you need to worry about kneading the dough too much, either. It just makes a different bread without kneading, no less tasty.

    2. All the cats 4 me*

      I think I would add the gluten the first time if you have it on hand , I have a feeling it’s going to be a sticky dough and it may need the extra gluten to rise. If you don’t have it, give it a whirl without and see what happens!

    3. university minion*

      I’d also recommend using canned pumpkin for your first attempts, simply because the moisture content will be standardized. If you’re using sweet potato/pumpkin/yam that you prepared yourself, you’ll have no idea what the moisture content is, and moisture is EVERYTHING in bread baking. The addition of gluten is likely the author’s way of dealing with that unpredictability.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ohhh, interesting! I wouldn’t have thought of this. I do have canned pumpkin – I will either try that, or, if I make the mashed yams myself, I will try to get rid of as much extra liquid as I can.

        Thank you! This was very insightful.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      1/2 a cup of potato to 3 1/2 c. flour? Yeah, you are fine. I’ve made potato bread before and never used vital what gluten.

      You might need to adjust the liquid a smidge, but you’ll need to do that for the whole wheat anyway. The bran and germ in whole wheat absorbs extra water. Just add a bit more water or milk to your kneading board instead of flour if it seems too stiff.

      Bread is very forgiving stuff! You can fiddle with it a lot without messing it up.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Thank you for this! In combination with the previous comment from @university minion, I’m suddenly a lot more aware of the moisture issue.

        I don’t have any vital wheat gluten on hand, and it was proving a pain to track down locally (Amazon’s shipping estimate was a week out, for a while). Since there seems to be enough of a consensus that it’s not outrageous to do so, I think I’ll give it a go sans vital wheat gluten – but I’ll pay attention to the moisture level and just make sure I knead it thoroughly. Thanks again!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Personally, I find I have to fiddle with the moisture level most times I make bread. It kinda depends on how humid your flour was. As long as you get in the general ballpark, it’s not hard to adjust when kneading it. Some doughs are supposed to be softer, some stiffer. Usually the recipe will say. Generally you want something that is stiff enough to hold its shape, but soft enough to knead easily. It’ll come with practice!

          Do be aware that the bran and germ in whole wheat take longer to absorb water, so you want to make your dough just a tad wetter than you want the final product to be.

    5. BRR*

      You’re fine without it. If you have bread flour I’d swap some in for the all purpose. Depending on the spices the loaf might be a little dense so just be sure to give the final proof enough time.

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