weekend open thread – March 13-14, 2021

by Alison Green on March 13, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Mystery of Mrs. Christie, by Marie Benedict. In 1926, the real Agatha Christie disappeared for 11 days, claiming on her return that she didn’t know where she had been. This is a fictional explanation for what might have happened, involving her faithless husband and an excellent mystery.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Hello! A reminder about the weekend rules: Comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or an update or two on things you received advice about in the past are also fine. But please, no venting without a desire for advice and no “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts. Full rules are here. Thank you!

  2. CatCat*

    What are some fun or interesting online courses you have enjoyed?

    I’m looking to expand my horizons a bit and fill some of my free time with something other than watching TV and movies. I’m open to any subjects!

    1. All Hail Queen Sally*

      In a couple of weeks I will attend a Zoom class on the history of postcards presented by a local company that offers all kinds of classes/lectures. I have always enjoyed sending and receiving postcards and a couple of years ago found a website (postcrossing dot com) that facilitates postcard exchanges between people all over the world. Just today I wrote one to Singapore and one to England. It’s a great way to learn about the world and I love being surprised by postcards in my mail. (You never know when you will receive one.)

      1. Something Blue*

        Would you mind sharing who’s hosting the postcard class? That sounds interesting!

        1. More Pizza*

          I’d also be interested in this. I also found postcrossing during this pandemic but I haven’t participated yet so it was cool to hear you’ve had a good experience.

          1. Heartlover1717*

            I just started POSTCROSSING in March – I’ve really enjoyed it so far. Recommend reading ALL of the FAQs.

    2. a duchess in oz*

      I’m doing a (paid) course with Oxford Uni on Tudor history, which I adore. They have lots of topics that may interest you as short courses! All online, and no zoom classes that may pose a difficulty with time differences.

      In Australia, COVID restrictions are significantly looser thanks to previous strict lockdowns stemming our cases, so we also have the ability to attend in person classes. I’m signed up for some spanish refresher classes and am looking at dance classes. A friend of mine in Tasmania is also doing Pilates trainer courses online while on maternity leave.

    3. Asenath*

      I’m doing one on Biblical studies (although that’s an ongoing interest), a class every few months on Victorian material culture (basically, each time two or three people pick an item and talk about it – it can be anything from a scrapbook to an article of clothing) and a sporadic one on assorted topics. So far, I’ve done one by hobby photographers, a rather depressing one on a period of World War II and there’s a St. Patrick’s Day concert coming up. I’ve attended other concerts too, and have a couple of exercise sites marked that I sometimes try.

    4. Loopy*

      How interactive are you thinking? I’ve actually never gotten one but my dad loves The Great Courses. They have literally *everything* you can think of, taught either by college professors or experts in the field. I’ve bought him history ones, usually WWII or US history. I’ve also gifted Tudors courses to friends, and biblical ones for those who are more religious. They also have courses on things like photography, gardening, and debating. The drawback is it’s obviously not live and doesn’t come with any online communication or assignments. It’s just informative. So definitely not an interactive course!

      I know this isn’t a subject recommendation but I think they are going to be having a spring sale in a week or two and it’s a great website to get ideas on! The best part are there are what seem like really honest reviews of each course.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        +100 on The Great Courses. I’ve done one on medieval history through the Fall of the Roman Empire. SO good.
        Also love the Cornell School of Ornithology
        You can also do volunteer work remotely with the Smithsonian doing Transcription services. It can be really neat transcribing old diaries, field notes or whatever!

        1. Asenath*

          Als0 along these lines – google zooniverse for a wide range of projects you can participate in online – transcribing all kinds of documents in different areas, checking photos from photo traps and identifying what, if any, animal is pictures and so on.

      2. Lilith*

        Another supporter of the Great Courses! We got some of the history/archeology and art analysis DVDs for my parents and they’ve found them really engaging and interesting.

        At one point my parents were really interested in a specific bit of art that had been used to create the set dressing, so they emailed the Great Courses people to ask more details, they passed that email on to the professor doing the course, who then asked the set designer about it then sent my parents back a really detailed answer. This is the only interaction they had, but the fact that everyone was so helpful and went out of their way mean I have a really high opinion of all the Great Courses stuff.

    5. Purplerug*

      Not a class but a lot of european cities are doing online virtual guided walking tours and I’m really enjoying them. It feels like a better use of my time than Netflix, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

      1. Bluebell*

        Similar to Purplerug, I’ve done Girl Travel Tours on FB live (which isn’t solely for girls, though she used to run tours for Girl Scouts), quite a few AirBnb experiences on street art, and quite a few lectures with New York Adventure Club, either focusing on specific neighborhoods and their history, or on art. Sometimes I will go with a friend and we text side notes.

    6. Hi there*

      I am doing one on owls from the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. I find looking at the bird pictures super-relaxing and am really taking my time with the course. Thanks for asking this question, the responses are so interesting!

    7. Alex*

      If you’re looking for something that will really work your brain (and you aren’t already a computer programmer obvs), I’d recommend Introduction to Computer Science and Programming Using Python, available for free on edx from MIT. It has specific start and end times so you have to figure out when the next one starts, but it is VERY good.

      1. Sweet Sunny*

        Would a person be able to learn Python on an iPad? Or a MacBook Air? I don’t have a desktop computer but would love to take this course. If a desktop is necessary, could it be an Apple product?

        1. Pond*

          Using an Apple laptop (ex MacBook Air) should be fine. I wouldn’t recommend trying to use an iPad (or any tablet).
          ~someone who has done a tiny amount of computer programming and python courses

        2. HD*

          Macs are a good choice for this. They usually have some version of Python installed already, and you can always upgrade it if you need to.

      2. I take tea*

        This reminds me that I’ve heard a lot of good about the MOOC Elements of AI. I haven’t taken it yet, it’s on my to do list, but it’s supposed to be a good introduction to AI and what it means to our everyday life. Good knowledge to have.

    8. Homophone Hatty*

      I’ve been doing fluency classes in my second language, through one of the local continuing ed colleges. Small class of fewer than ten students and we mostly do speaking with each other. Zoom is actually ideally suited to the format.

    9. Clisby*

      This kind of thing wouldn’t be available to everyone, but I currently audit regular classes at the College of Charleston (SC) as part of a tuition-free deal for people 60 and over. Mostly art history so far. (Post-pandemic, a lot of these classes won’t be available online, but right now most are.)

    12. Pond*

      You said “other than TV and movies” so this probably isn’t what you’re looking for, but for anyone else interested – there’s a streaming service called Curiosity Stream that has lots of interesting, informative content. Most of it is documentaries about everything from the life of an otter to living in Antarctica year round (really beautiful filmography) to the catacombs of Paris to biographies to advances in modern medicine to current politics to future technology.

      1. Pond*

        (I am not affiliated with Curiosity Stream) but I really like it for when I’m too tired to put effort into doing anything, but still want to learn while I relax as opposed to being maybe entertained but not interested intellectually by watching Netflix/YouTube/etc.

        1. TardyTardis*

          I bagged a special on FB where I signed up for $12 for the year. Probably a little more expensive now.

    13. Blomma*

      I’m taking a Swedish language class on Zoom through a cultural club. I’ve always wanted to learn the language for family reasons, but it’s tricky to find classes. In the before times, this club only had classes in person which were too far away for me to participate, but they switched to Zoom due to the pandemic.

    14. Janet Rosen*

      Sktchy school runs a bunch of 30 day drawing faces challenges – I have done several since last April – fellow students range from total beginners through professional art teachers and it’s 100% supportive.

    16. Pippa K*

      Local organisations can be good for this. I did a month-long gardening course with a food-related community organisation. It was taught by a local organic farmer and had several live Zoom sessions, culminating in a farm visit. It was great, and the (fairly low) fee went to support an organisation that does good work, so it’s a win-win.

    17. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I have had the best time doing zoom geometric art classes through Art of Islamic Pattern ( https://artofislamicpattern.com/#/0 ). If art and bringing order to chaos is something you enjoy, they’re PERFECT. I also couldn’t believe how affordable they were, especially if you buy recordings instead of live classes.
      P. S. I am noting down so many of these ideas.

    18. Girasol*

      I’m taking Natural History Illustration 101 via EDX from University of Newcastle in Australia. I am clearly not the next Audubon but I’m enjoying it immensely. They’ve done great drawing lessons and plant and animal anatomy to get us started. The lessons are short but full of info and there’s a drawing due every week. If you like being outside it’s wonderful.

    19. Jammy Leather*

      Hello! I’d highly recommend the altMBA, from Akimbo. Their suite of workshops are fantastic but the altMBA is what they’re known internationally for. Note that I said workshop, not course – Akimbo is known for highly interactive and student-led material. Don’t expect a cruise ride! Check out their website to see if it fits what you’re after – the altMBA is very hard to describe.

    20. Rara Avis*

      I’ve taken some on Future Learn: Hadrian’s Wall, The Archaeology of Portus, Shipwrecks and Submerged Worlds, Health and Wellbeing in the Ancient World. (They have lots of other fields — this list is just how my enthusiams skew.)

  3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    A very specific parenting question:
    My foster son (11mos., 9 kg) has started sleeping on his belly, which is asphyxiation safe BUT it means he has a wet romper by morning.
    I already tried putting him in one size up diapers at night (3 during the day; 4+ at night; Baby Dry) but it didn’t make any difference. Help??

    (Fully/only washable is great but not for us.)

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      There are “Sposie” doublers that you can place inside the diaper for more absorbency in the wet zone. You might want to size up the pajamas to avoid putting pressure on the diaper (this can cause liquid to be absorbed into the fabric versus the diaper if he floods a lot at once). Use fleece pjs for a stay-dry feel. Try layering the crib sheets with a waterproof mat in between, if it’s getting beyond the pjs.

    2. Legalchef*

      Sposiew are supposed to be good. Another option might be a “dream change”? Ie before you go to bed yourself, you gently take him from the crib and do a quick diaper change in the dark.

        1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

          Love that term! Did one last night but it made no difference and woke him up – I think the flooding mostly happens later in the night :/ will look into the inserts; not sure if they are available in my area but Google to the rescue!

      2. Generic Name*

        Mother of a boy (now 14!), and yes, make sure his penis is pointing down into the diaper.

    4. Natalie*

      Definitely look for a doubler or insert. I think some cloth diaperers will just double up the diaper if you can make it fit.

      In the disposable area, we use night diapers, which are basically just a diaper with extra absorbency material in them. I seem to recall you’re not in the US but if those are available in your area you might give them a try too.

    5. 30ish*

      I have a son of a similar age and weight and had to do a diaper change at night for a while. Now it stopped being necessary because he drinks less at night.

    6. Disco Janet*

      Have you tried any other brands? One of my sons was pee through the Huggies nighttime diapers, but the Pampers Swaddlers nighttime ones worked just fine. With the next kid, it flipped.

      1. PostalMixup*

        This. We used Target store brand diapers with my daughter, but they leaked at night, so we used Huggies Snug n Dry.

      2. Belle*

        We found the Pampers overnights cured this issue for us. Plus making sure the penis was pointing down. No more soaked clothes or sheets once we started using them. We get them in bulk through Amazon

    7. Nerdgal*

      This isn’t exactly what you asked, but if you are not already doing this,, make up the crib with 2 complete sets of sheets with waterproof sheets in between and on top. If baby wakes up wet in the middle of the night just remove top layer. A folded up cloth diaper inside the front of the disposable diaper is another idea.

    8. CaliUKexpat*

      A tip that went around when my son was little, put the diaper on backwards. There’s more diaper on the bum part, so the increase in acreage at the front can often help

  4. I been hangin' around this town on the corner*

    Question: how much dog barking should I be expected to tolerate while living in an apartment building?

    Someone new moved into the apartment next to mine this week and they have a dog. This dog barks a couple times an hour during the day and goes absolutely crazy anytime I enter or exit my unit (our units mirror so our doors are right next to each other). I understand he’s adjusting to a new home and it’s stressful for him, but…. he’s stressing out my cat and she’s taking it out on my furniture. For now I’m just trying to manage her stress while he adjusts, but I don’t know what’s normal. I used to live above a Great Dane at my old building and never heard a peep out of him, so this just feels truly excessive.

    1. Jenn Mercer*

      The smaller the dog, the more barking so you may have been spoiled a bit. It might help if you can get a (masked, socially distant, etc) intro from the dog’s people, along with pooch’s name. Then, when dog barks at your presence, say, Hey, Wiggles, it’s just me. Some dogs are just going to bark, but if pup is receptive, this works well.

      1. a duchess in oz*

        Seconding this. While my dog never barked at people (as a puppy on acreage, she reserved barking for informing us there was a plane overhead), when we moved into town she panicked every time the doorbell rang. (For context, she’s a rescue and would dissolve into shakes and crying while hiding in her kennel.) A trainer suggested that we get her to sit by the front door, listen to the doorbell and hear people she actually knew say “it’s just me!” It took a while, but she now is supremely unbothered by the doorbell, as she pretty much assumes it’s someone she trusts or her family trusts.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m curious about your comment about smaller dogs barking more. Can you elaborate on that? My neighbor’s small dog barks when doors open and close in the building. It’s not excessive but you’ve got me wondering about that barking connection with smaller dogs.

        1. Turtlewings*

          In my experience, small dogs feel threatened more easily (logically enough, really) and tend to have more energy, so they react more to things.

    2. English, not American*

      A couple of times an hour is excessive, but it usually takes a couple of weeks for a dog to adjust so it may well calm down. The barking when you leave or enter is much less likely to stop on its own, to a territorial dog that’s a major trigger that probably gets reinforced every time you don’t enter the neighbour’s house.

      1. Flower necklace*

        I agree that the barking during entering/exiting probably won’t stop. There is a dog that lives across the hall from me that’s mostly quiet, but he goes nuts any time he hears someone at a door. It’s so loud that, one time, someone from maintenance came and called me to make sure the dog was locked up. He was barking so loudly that they thought it was in my apartment.

    4. Mila*

      The dog may learn you’re a neighbor! My dog barks when he hears strangers in our hallway but not when he hears neighbors.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I think if this is still continuing in about three weeks then you’ll see that it’ll be a long-term problem that you should talk to the owner about. Right now, like you said, he’s adjusting to a new home and all the new noises. I agree with the suggestion of using a Feliway diffuser or spray for the time being for your cat along with extra cuddles. Also, how big is the dog? Generally smaller ones are yappier than something like a Great Dane.

    6. Dan*

      To your question about how much barking to tolerate… if it’s upsetting your cat, that’s certainly too much.

      I rent an apartment and own a small dog. I’ve had the apartment *and* the dog for ten years. Mine hardly barks (atypical for the breed, no doubt). My neighbor of five years had a pit mix, I don’t think I ever heard her while in my own apartment. New guy (replaced neighbor with the pit) has some kind of Boston terrier or something that I can hear from time to time while in my own unit. It’s not loud enough to actually bother me (and it doesn’t seem to bother my dog) so I let it go. Although, if I complained about it, I’m pretty sure I’m on solid ground.

      The only time I ever complained was about a neighbor across the courtyard who’s dog barked for like three hours non stop. And I could still here it in my unit with the patio doors and windows closed. (If *I* could hear it, heaven help the people in that building.)

    7. dog commiseration*

      I don’t have an answer, but I can commiserate –– there are days when the dogs (plural) below me bark a couple times an hour, plus growl at each other / play loudly with each other to boot, and I hear them STRAIGHT THRU my floors and a pair of headphones.

      So, yeah. Solidarity.

  5. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you Joy this week.

    Weirdly enough it’s that I got my annual blood work done (after it was postponed due to that cold snap) and most everything is in normal ranges or holding steady. (My genetics aren’t quite in favor of good cholesterol numbers). And hopefully the one thing that spiked is explained when I go in on Wednesday for the follow up.

    Also had a few wonderful slices of pizza yesterday with some good music too.

    Please share your joys.

      1. fposte*

        I think I know what you were trying to type, and as a Crohn’s patient I would cheer at not having to have a corn oska P for ten years! But I do love the typo and may use it in speaking in future.

    2. a duchess in oz*

      I’ve had a week of my brain being a pain (just a lot of anxiety over the future), so today I decided to set off on a drive and just do what I wanted to do. I visited so many bookstores and laid in the sun reading for an afternoon.

    3. I take tea*

      A walk in the woods a sunny day, the sun on the snow made it sparkle like diamonds. (Or maybe like a certain kind of vampire?) It was so beautiful it almost gave me a heartache. Very happy to be able to live so near nature that it’s something I can see on a normal morning walk.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        That’s so cool when that happens. One time, I was outside when it was snowing very fine flakes and the sun was out and it looked as if it were raining glitter.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I got cortisone shots in both hips last week. It appears they’re fully effective because I was able to stop taking *massive* doses of Tylenol (gastric bypass so no NSAIDs and Tylenol is mostly ineffective these days) and do a really tough workout with my trainer this week with zero hip pain. Felt it in my glutes for a few days, but I’ll take that over hip bursitis!

    5. Loopy*

      I am in the southern US and we are having our short (but beautiful) spring weather window. After almost ten years of being here, I understand that it is a very finite window of enjoyable warmth before oppressive heat so I’m super pumped to enjoy it before summer starts.

      1. Whynot*

        Oh, I hear this! Been in TX for 6 years now and still haven’t got used to dreading summer, but spring is lovely!

    6. SaraV*

      An unexpected invite to become a moderator on an internet forum that I’ve been a part of for 8.5 years as the forum is growing and they needed to add more. Feels good that they thought of me to ask.
      (Of course I said yes)

    7. Purplerug*

      I visited a mortgage broker and she was such a lovely person we ended up having a full hour-long conversation about our life stories, our lives/loves etc. She was a real ‘good egg’ and it was the best hour outside the house I’ve had in ages. I’m not proceeding with a mortgage at the moment because I haven’t found a place I want to buy yet but it was a great appointment.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      I had two high points just yesterday. My senior dog had surgery on Tuesday to remove a tumor and was understandably not himself on Wednesday or Thursday, but on Friday he was feeling his oats and wanted to go for a nice walk around our property. Point two was the beautiful weather, so we both thoroughly enjoyed our stroll! Although even if the weather were terrible I would have still been thrilled just because my dog was feeling better, the gorgeous day really highlighted my mood.

    10. pancakes*

      I got my first shot of the vaccine on Monday and it couldn’t have gone better. I was dreading the Javits Center, having not been there since the bar exam, which was two days of misery I try not to think about. I came prepared for lots and lots of waiting with plenty of reading material and dressed in layers, but everything moved briskly. There was even live classical music, a trio playing in the observation area where you sit for 15 minutes after the shot.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        The classical music sounds really nice. Mine was at a large convention center as well, and I set aside pretty much 4-5 hours. Surprisingly both times were very quick and I was in and out in under one hour. Everyone was super polite and helpful as well. There was a lot of military personnel there doing the check ins and having us sign the intake sheets – did yours have that as well?

        1. pancakes*

          Sorry for delayed reply but yes, there were lots of National Guard. I visited two desks: one for the initial check-in, then a second medical one, on account of being eligible due to a preexisting condition. My doctor’s office made it easy to print out paperwork showing my diagnosis, so that went smoothly.

      2. Mimmy*

        I too got my first vaccine this week. Different location but I was prepared for a long wait and confusion, but I was pleasantly surprised at how smooth everything went.

        1. nep*

          Great news.
          Nice to “see” you, Mimmy. Was thinking about you yesterday while browsing the thread. Hope you’re well.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Got my first covid shot yesterday. I was a bit surprised to get the call but I qualify so I got it. It gave me an excuse to walk to a different neighbourhood and a bigger supermarket while I was there, which was a nice novelty.

    12. the cat's ass*

      My daughter got a really good report card for the quarter, and I’m getting a haircut today for the first time in 6 months !

    13. Scout Finch*

      Rediscovering Patty Griffin’s “When It Don’t Come Easy” (looks like from Austin City Limits) and listening to it about 78 times. youtube (dot) com/watch?v=z5t6b-G172M Such a song of love & devotion. Also a version out there from the Artists Den in NYC – that video is too choppy for me, but has Ian McLagen (from the Faces/Small Faces) on piano.

      I binge music like others binge Netflix.

    14. GoryDetails*

      The recent warm weather in New England has resulted in the melting of most of the remaining ice-and-snowdrifts – and revealed a lovely crop of snowdrops under my witch hazel tree!

    15. Mary Berry*

      Spouse is scheduled to receive a vaccine next week! He has been teaching in person 5 days a week since August so this is a big relief.

    16. Bluebell*

      Crocuses opening in the front yard, and for the first time in 25 years of marriage, spouse and I have matching nightstands.

    17. Filosofickle*

      I had a somewhat disappointing birthday (more than just covid). It’s silly, but of the small bummers is I didn’t have birthday cake! (My partner is…not one to think about these things.) I told one of best friends about it and she ordered the perfect cake delivered to me. It’s delicious!

    18. Elle Woods*

      My dad got his second round of the covid vaccine this week meaning both he and my mom are fully vaccinated. Hopeful I’ll be able to get vaccinated soon.

    19. Oxford Comma*

      It’s been super cold this winter, but we had a really nice day on Thursday and I was able to go outside and take a walk in the sunshine. I can’t tell you how good that felt.

    20. OyHiOh*

      My partner and I had a double date with mutual friends this week. Three out of four of us are vax’d, restaurant is staged for 50% capacity but was seated at about 30% capacity the night we met, all appropriate COVID precautions in place. It’s been fifteen months since my partner and I had opportunity to dress up a little for an evening. It was lovely.

    21. WoodswomanWrites*

      Where I live there’s an uncommon wildflower, baby blue eyes, that blooms in a short window in spring. I saw a single flower about the size of a dime managing to peek out between rocks right in the middle of the trail, a little gem.

      1. Janet Rosen*

        OMG I love baby blue eyes. They are native to Calif but not this immediate area so every few years I plant some seeds in the backyard along with native blue flax and tidy tips. I hope you find more!!!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Your garden sounds beautiful and I like tidy tips as well. I actually am taking a hike tomorrow (Sunday) that I chose specifically because it’s got the largest show of baby blue eyes in my area that I know of. We’ll see if they’re blooming yet.

    22. Llama face!*

      Okay this is actually a BIG joy but I’m sharing anyway: My sibling just gave birth to her second child this morning ( a few days early) so now I am the proud auntie of both a nephew and a niece! I’m so thrilled!

      1. comityoferrors*

        OMG! What an incredible catch. I’m tickled every time I see Cooper’s hawks (super common here)…I would lose it if I saw an eagle. Lucky you!

    24. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I saw my first daffodils of the season today, plus a few Forsythia bushes are turning yellow. What more could a person want?
      Oh, and I got my first Covid vaccine today.

      1. Zelda*

        Here in northern Illinois, the crocuses in my lawn have revved up and hit full speed in the last day or so. The area to one side of my driveway is one solid SHOUT of purple! A few more delicate shadings of white and pale lavender on the ones in the backyard. It’s not spring yet, but we have that one assurance that winter is not forever.

    25. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I realize that my work has finally paid off — I read an article on a French website and understood it all.

    26. Never Nicky*

      I’ve got trays of seeds on my south facing window sills and I have been ridiculously excited watching the seedlings sprout and unfurl – and how different they all are.

      Now to get them from seedlings to plants…

    27. Do I need to address this?*

      Yesterday was my daughter’s 7th birthday. After last year getting canceled due to Corona and the previous year getting canceled due to her getting the flu she finally had an awesome birthday.
      We were able to take her to the zoo and arranged a virtual animal encounter and her grandfather, who we haven’t seen her in person in over a year, felt safe enough to visit us for the weekend. (Hubby and I are essential workers and granddad is over 65 so all adults involved had been COVID vaccinated)
      We topped it all off with takeout from her favorite local restaurant and a homemade chocolate cake.

    28. HannahS*

      Major shopping wins:
      I sew as a hobby. There’s this one fabric, very much “the one that got away,” a beautiful Liberty of London print from nearly a decade ago, that I didn’t buy because I didn’t feel that my skills merited such expensive fabric. Well. It’s not made anymore (it’s Penrose, in the coral/green colourway). Every so often, I scour the internet for it, and honestly, I’d pay just about anything for it. I happened to find an Etsy seller in Japan who was selling small pieces of it (I had missed it before because she was calling the print “Pen Rose” instead of “Penrose,” so I was missing it in my searches). I messaged her asking for yardage, and while she initially offered me a meter (all she had left), today she wrote back to me saying she actually has 1.5 meters! It’s so silly, but it made me ridiculously happy.
      I don’t spend much on consumer goods and basically require an intervention every time I need new shoes, but when I told my husband about it, he said, “You should buy it. No, actually, I INSIST that you buy it.” Ah, what a man!
      I also was piddling around on Facebook marketplace (cheap baby clothes galore!) and found someone selling a treadle Singer sewing machine for $25. We’ll see if it’s still available, but I’ve wanted one forever. They make awesome end-tables! I love the wrought iron.

    29. Puppy!*

      Right now. Lounging on a couch in the back screen porch. 55 degrees, wrapped a blanket. Reading the weekend thread, puppy sleeping sprawled on my legs sipping a warmt mug of assam with milk.

    30. Voluptuousfire*

      Bought myself two Starbucks branded double walled tumblers with straws and mad myself iced lattes this week. I also discovered Cafe Bustelo makes a decaf instant espresso powder, which makes me so happy!

      Too much caffeine makes me feel hungry, so decaf is much better. I’m so happy that I can make myself my iced lattes in the afternoons. During the spring/summer I’d go to the coffee shop a few times a week and get an iced drink as my treat but haven’t been to a coffee shop since 2019 and realize how much I missed this.

      I’m also going to try my hand at making decaf cold brew.

    31. comityoferrors*

      I bought a new, bigger fridge!! This was one of my New Year’s resolutions. I live with my partner and his brother. We quickly learned that our fridge is not big enough to support us cooking, especially because our household has one organic hippie vegan, one carnivore who is suspicious of veggies, and my partner who will happily eat anything because he hates cooking (so his brother and I make extra portions for him). His brother and I both love to cook but have very limited space for ingredients and leftovers in our fridge, and it’s really thrown off my diet.

      The new fridge will be delivered tomorrow, which is conveniently a day I had already taken off work. I can’t wait. It feels like Christmas.

      I also ordered a bunch of stuff to tame our pantry (can organizers! shelf risers! beautiful airtight glass containers!) and I’m so stoked to get a system in place. By Tuesday, it’ll be impossible to pry me out of my beautiful organized kitchen!

      1. Quiet Liberal*

        This is exactly what I long to do! I so want my kitchen to be super organized. It’s small, but I can see possibilities. I’ve been salivating over organization bins and racks and lazy susans on Amazon. You have given me the push to get that project underway. Going to measure cabinets now. :)

  6. nnn*

    Can anyone recommend a corded computer mouse that’s ergonomically comparable to the (now-discontinued) Logitech Performance MX? My region’s still in lockdown, so going into an actual physical store and seeing how a bunch of mice fit in my hand is a no-go, and my attempts to find a replacement through online shopping have been unsuccessful.

    I think the specific fit issues involved are long hands, palm grip, and the need to tilt my wrist slightly to the right in the way that a right-handed mouse allows for but an ambidextrous mouse doesn’t. But the only actual data point I have is that the Logitech Performance MX meets my ergonomic needs.

    My use includes gaming, but I’ve been content without a purpose-built gaming mouse so far. Price is not a decision factor.

    (I know this is an oddly specific question, but this hivemind is often good at oddly specific.)

    1. PollyQ*

      Have you checked your region’s eBay, or perhaps a different region’s? I found a number of mice on the US site under that name.

      1. nnn*

        Unfortunately, it’s been discontinued for long enough that the ones on ebay tend to be used, so they wear out to a point where they aren’t responsive enough for my gaming needs unworkably quickly. I’ve gone through four ebay Performance MXs in the past year, so I think it’s time to try something else.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      At a quick look, it seems that there’s a lot of similarly shaped mice available, but they’re all wireless. Is that a point you have any flex on, or not so much?

      1. nnn*

        I’m really hoping for corded. Sometimes the wireless ones are less responsive than I need for my gaming needs and I never have that problem with corded, I just haven’t been able to find the combination of corded and ergonomic.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I figured. I haven’t had any trouble with gaming wireless, but I’m not doing anything high end or that other people depend on me for, so if the latency has ever been a problem I haven’t noticed. Good luck!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m posting late but in case it’s helpful, have you tried a corded trackball mouse? My ergonomic issues have completely resolved since I started using the Logitech Trackman Marble 910-000806 Optical Mouse. I’ve had mine for many years and it’s still going strong. Also, it’s got an ambidextrous design so you can switch hands.

    4. Gatomon*

      Rtings dot com has really in depth reviews for mice, but there is a limit of 3 full reviews unless you subscribe. But if you can narrow it down to a candidate or two that may be okay. They provide yes/no ratings based size of your hand and type of mouse grip, there’s a table you can view that shouldn’t be paywalled that may point you in the right direction.

  7. Maxie*

    I’m looking for ideas for a good way to store old magazines. I have over 100 magazines I’ve saved over the years, but very limited storage/closet space. The magazines are currently in stacks in a closet, and I need a neat and organized way to pack them up and store them safely. I would appreciate any helpful or creative suggestions you may have. Thanks!

    1. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I too keep lots of magazines and find the best storage system that works for me are the cardboard magazine files that holds a year’s worth upright. I keep them in bookcases which makes them look very orderly.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I third it. Before I moved and did a massive purge, I had these for my dolls house magazines. I kept those but I got rid of the files; they’re cheap so I can always replace them later. Plus you can cover them with fabric or contact paper a la Pinterest and make them look pretty.

      3. Firecat*

        And if you don’t have bookshelf space putting these on top of drawers is a great sound barrier between walls.

    2. Loopy*

      My dad hates throwing away magazines, so if you are willing to spend a bit of money there are plastic magazine racks that show the spine and look quite nice on a bookshelf. I find them sturdier and better for longevity, so I splurged for him.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t know about this but I think that is very cool. Will you share what kind of magazines? I used to buy them alllll the time starting at age 11 (drove my parents crazy!). I voraciously read YM, Teen, Teen people, Seventeen, glamour cosmo Marie Claire. Loved the delias catalog as well haha. Wish I could have kept some as a time capsule.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I actually spent time in library school working in an archival collection that had a lot of rare magazines.

      Generally, you are best placing them into a acid-free cardboard filer. Make sure to either use cardboard filler or put enough volumes in each one that they aren’t bending from lack of support.

      Store them in a cool, dry area, ideally with no sunlight (a closet shelf would be ideal, really).

    5. PhyllisB*

      Are you in the US? If you know anyone who sells Avon, ask her for some of her empty boxes. (If they still send product in those boxes.) They’re a great size for magazines and very sturdy. I sold Avon over 30 years ago and still have items in my storage house that are boxed in Avon boxes. Also great for clothing and paperback books.

  8. Dark Macadamia*

    Can anyone share experiences with hair loss as a woman? I’m in my 30s and hoping this is temporary but I don’t want it to get worse.

    Do any oral supplements actually work? I get the sense the gummy vitamin type things definitely don’t. I’m not sure if Rogaine is right for what I have (thinning mostly on the back/crown of my head, they recommend it for a widening part).

    Not planning to see a dermatologist right now but if you’ve done that, was it helpful? Did it change how you treated/managed your hair?

    1. Telgar*

      I had hair loss a couple of years ago. Turns out I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Now I take a relatively high dosage of Vitamin D supplement and have no more hair loss (the lost hair grew back). If you go outside less now than you used to, that could cause it.

      1. a duchess in oz*

        My brows girl told me that it’s a sign of iron deficiency (which I’m low in); my doctor added vitamin D, which I never see much of working at a desk. Taking vitamin D and iron tablets has helped me enormously. While I didn’t have noticeably patchy hair, I did notice I was losing a fair amount, and that my eyebrows were also beginning to look a bit more sparse. I haven’t been on the vitamins for tooooooo long but I feel they’re making a difference.

        1. TardyTardis*

          I discovered that a vitamin D supplement kept me from coughing up my lungs every January to March. I still get colds and what not, but no visits from the Bronchitis Fairy.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I am dealing with this right now, extreme hair shedding. I began shedding a few months ago which is perfectly normal for being post partum but the last month or so it ramped up to double/triple the amount.

      I used to get bald spots in my scalp and the only thing that helped was visiting a dermatologist who administered steroid shots into my scalp and that helped.

      I went to my primary dr last week and they ordered bloodwork and gave me a referral to a dermatologist. While I wait to see them, I also used Nizoral system and that seems to have helped a bit but I am still planning to see the doctor. If I didn’t have a history, and other medical things, I personally would have left it alone.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Not me, but my friend in her 60s was diagnosed by a dermatologist with alopecia. Like you, what has worked for her are occasional steroid injections in her scalp. Her hair stylist who cuts her hair has helped with haircuts that have hidden her bald spots.

        What’s clear from this thread is how many different causes there are for hair loss. A trip to the doctor for tests sounds like a good idea.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I had my first spot at age 8. Seemed to go away, I forget how. My parents attributed it to evil eye & jealousy lol as I had very thick long luscious hair. It’s thinned over the years but still pretty decent. I know it’s brought on by stress but if there’s a medical cause I’m def open to treatment for it.

          1. TardyTardis*

            My Nana went bald in her 80’s (though when it was really hot she just left off her wig and was cooler than any of us). But she also had high blood pressure, so they put her on Rogaine. She still had good hair when she finally passed at 97.

    3. Barbara Eyiuche*

      Go to a doctor and ask about it. They should do a blood test. My hair would come out in clumps. It turned out I had low thyroid levels. Taking thyroid medication helped. Maybe yours is also from something that can be easily fixed.

      1. Caterpie*

        Seconding the blood test. My hair loss was due to undiagnosed celiac disease, but they’ll test for several medical causes.

        I did go to the dermatologist afterwards when changing my diet didn’t fix it, and got a diagnosis of telogen effluvium, but none of the related treatments (rogaine) were covered by insurance so I couldn’t pursue anything further.

        1. Caterpie*

          Oh, and if you’re woman presenting or identifying be prepared for them to tell you that either (1) it’s from stress or (2) to lose weight :/

          If it happens, and you don’t think those are relevant causes, be prepared to slam dunk that doctor straight into the trash and find someone else.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yes, seconding this — if a doc says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s just stress” or “You know what would help, if you lost 20 pounds,” yeet him immediately into the sun.

          2. Potatoes gonna potate*

            All my miscarriages and symptoms of hyperthyroidism were dismissed as being overweight. “Try harder” said the endocrinologist who’s supposed to be the best.

            I’m truly wondering if men get this kind of treatment.

            Makes you laugh doesnt it? And by laugh I mean want to scream in fury. So sick of this.

            1. TardyTardis*

              My parathyroids aren’t para-ing or whatever, but I’ll be talking with another woman so hope I won’t hear the weight thing about my crunchy bones (besides, osteoporosis is actually worse with thin women, or so I’ve heard).

              1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                Good luck on your appointment!
                Unfortunately it’s been 50/50 for me and gender’s never been a guarantee that they’ll be understanding or not-fatphobic.

          3. RagingADHD*

            I’ve always been thankful for the old-school PCP who found my thyroid nodule by palpating my neck in a routine new-patient exam.

            I was sent in for a biopsy & had a dx with labs before I even suspected my symptoms were symptoms. (They were all there, I just had no clue.)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Following this because it’s happening to a friend of mine. She’s turning 50 this year. I’ve been after her to get to a doctor since this isn’t normal (IMO), but she’s someone who is very, “This, too, shall pass.”

    5. Purplerug*

      I have PCOS so it’s part of the territory for me. I’ve experienced (and heard from friends who have hair loss without PCOS) that Biotin supplements work really well but take around 9-12 months to see any significant effect.

    6. HannahS*

      I have plain-old male pattern baldness, as a woman. My hair started to really thin in my late teens. Supplements will work if you’re losing hair due to a deficiency (vitamins, iron-deficiency can do it, too), but won’t if it’s genetic, or if it’s your thyroid, or stress (anyone else lose huge amounts of hair after each exam period? I do not miss university). My derm told me the only real option (at the time) was Rogaine. I tried it, and it does work, but I found it kind of a pain in the butt; the hair it makes is fine and wispy; it fills in space and you look less bald, but I found the Rogaine greasy and inconvenient. I started with super thick hair, so even though I’ve lost about two thirds of what I had as a young teen, I now just look like someone with kind of not-nice, sparse hair.

      I’m saying this, truly, as my own experience and not as a value judgment–and honestly, it probably doesn’t apply until you know what’s causing the hair loss . Sometimes, I feel a bit bummed that my gorgeous thick hair (that I hated at the time, because teenagers) is gone. But ultimately I decided that I don’t really care enough about my appearance to use Rogaine, or get hair transplants. I figured that if I got bald enough that it really looked abnormal, I’d shave my head and wear a wig. Now, over a decade later, that didn’t happen; my hair loss kind of stabilized. Would I have actually worn a wig? I don’t know. But I also had a lot of other, scarier medical stuff happening at the same time, and I decided not to care very much about something that was only cosmetic, and wasn’t going to disable/kill me. I get shorter haircuts (in non-pandemic times) that help my hair be bouncier and hide that it’s thin, and otherwise I just accept that this is what I look like now.

      1. On a pale mouse*

        I feel both this question and this reply. I have thinning gradually over years and it looks exactly like my brothers’ hair loss, just much less pronounced, so I’ve always assumed it was genetic and never even asked a doctor.

        You’ve confirmed my guess about what Rogaine would be like. My strategy for dealing with it has been, I can’t see it, therefore it doesn’t exist. This obviously doesn’t change the facts, but does make me less self-conscious about it. (Now if my mom would just stop pointing it out!)

        Will be interested to see what else people have. Might try the vitamin D since that’s easy and inexpensive.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Not an instant help and not a big help but I give my scalp a good massage every time I wash my hair. It seems to be a supportive activity to do in conjunction with other things.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Supporting the getting blood work to check your thyroid levels. I started to lose my hair due to low thyroid, but I think thinning hair also runs in my family. Thyroid meds, daily biotin and Rogaine are keeping my hair looking “normal”

    8. lapgiraffe*

      I do not quite understand why docs send women to the dermatologist for this because I’ve yet to have a friend come away from the derm with anything but Rogaine as a solution. This has been a common issue among my female friends once hitting early 30s and I think it’s, sadly, just something that happens to a lot of women but was just never mentioned in that it has surprised all of us. I know this is me being anecdotal but I’m talking about myself, five friends, and seven other women I used to do small group training with. It seems that the ones that were caused by something (thyroid for two, and it was thyroid cancer in one, Mirena IUD for two others, and they had removed and hair improved, and possibly the same iron/anemia issue someone else has mentioned for one friend but she’s still at the early stages of assign supplements so jury still out) were all caught by their GP or by an endocrinologist. The rest of us were sent to the derm and told Rogaine with a shoulder shrug. And the thing that was frustrating about Rogaine is that 1) it doesn’t help hair grow back, it helps you kee the hair the hair you still have 2) once you start using it you have to keep using it indefinitely.

      Things that have helped me 1) I was wearing a lot of sweatbands/buffs while working out and realized I may be putting too much stress on hair like a tight wig cap so I have found better options for that and try to limit the time I use it 2) experimenting with your stylist to help hide any thinning spots 3) being consistent with my Vitamin D supplement can’t be hurting 4) using some keratin hair fibers on thinning areas when appearances matter like a special event, headshots, etc. 5) I have been on spironolactone for pcos and was always lax about taking it, not sure if it really did anything, but doc talked about upping my dosage to treat the hair loss and I came clean about not taking the full dosage consistently. So I started taking what I’m already supposed to take and maybe it’s helped? I mean who knows what really helped since I did so much at once but I do like the spiro more now that I’m fully on it snd it’s great for my face.

      As for the derm, I went because I wanted to have some moles looked at and to just have that whole body look around, and the hair part was just a additional question, so I’m glad I went. But if I had gone strictly for the hair thing I would have been so annoyed at the time and expense to be told Rogaine.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I went to the derm and came away with Rogaine as a non-solution! I’ve tried a variety of interesting medications (including Plaquenil, the miracle drug Trump touted for a while for COVID). There are many different types of alopecia, and a small sample size testing as needing to use Rogaine isn’t a great reason not to go IMO.

      2. Imtheone*

        You need the dermatologist to refer you to a subspecialist dermatologist who specializes in hair loss.

    9. Holly the spa pro*

      I also suggest bloodwork but if it turns out to be genetic or pattern baldness, massaging the scalp will help keep what you have by stimulating blood flow. Apparently red LED light therapy on the scalp can also help. Im sorry you are going through this!

    10. Parenthetically*

      I had a similar thing in my early/mid 30s. Exercising, reducing stress, and staying hydrated helped. A good, absorbable, preferably liquid vitamin can help some people. Rogaine is (IMO) just throwing good money after bad, because you have to keep using it, like, forever, or the hair just falls out again.

      Mine has come back, but it’s been a rough journey — two babies, three pregnancies, going on three years of breastfeeding… it all has done a number on my hair. Fortunately now it’s about as thick as it ever was.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      Thank you all so much! This is really helpful.

      I do suspect it’s probably from stress (thanks, pandemic!) but had all the concerns you’ve brought up about both doctors and Rogaine. Part of me feels like well, it’s just hair and I wasn’t a fan of mine to begin with, but I would look SO bad bald!

    12. Courageous cat*

      Yes, and yes! I started having hair loss when I turned 30. If it continues, get a scalp biopsy. It could just be temporary stress, or if it’s alopecia, the *kind* of alopecia it is drastically affects treatment. I have scarring alopecia, a rarer variety, and Rogaine doesn’t work on me but things like doxycycline do.

      Hair loss as a woman is very stressful and you have all my positive vibes and thoughts.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Also, from my experience, I’d say get it done asap – depending on the type, the sooner the treatment, the more hair you can save. I waited 10 months until a hairdresser finally said something and by then, a lot of my hair follicles had scarred over.

        YMMV, but there’s very little harm in getting it checked out now, and more harm in waiting until it gets worse.

    13. LNLN*

      My sister and my friend both had thinning hair due to (different) medical reasons. Their doctors recommended a vitamin B supplement, biotin. My sister had an allergic reaction to it, so had to stop taking it, but taking the supplement did help reduce my friend’s hair loss. Good luck!

    14. ....*

      I would def go to the doctor to figure out why but in my experience viviscal stopped and aggressive bout of shedding

      1. Beth*

        Seconded! I had some all over thinning due to a medication I was taking- after I stopped the medication I started taking Viviscal. It takes some time but my hair did grow back as thick as it had been before.

    15. Retin A*

      My hair loss was caused by Retin A, which is a vicious cycle because Rogaine is known to cause skin aging, and biotin/B complex vitamins cause severe cystic breakouts for me. So I had to choose: my complexion or my hair.

    16. OyHiOh*

      I had significant hair loss after each of my children was born, and then I had a post partum loss, on steroids episode of hair loss last summer.

      Last summer was pretty clearly linked to massive pandemic stress. My hair has bounced back beautifully and all the thickness I lost is coming back in, without treatment apart from getting stress under control. I doubled down my commitment to therapy, did some out of the box solutions to children+school, got a job I genuinely love that is also not stress inducing in the ways that make my body freak out.

      Post partum was temporary thyroid imbalance, plus vitamin deficiencies.

      I’d strongly recommend a blood panel to specifically check for thyroid issues (ask for a “complete” thyroid panel, not just a TSH screen) and vitamin/mineral deficiencies. As others have commented, D and iron are the big ones that cause hair loss but if they’re going to check for deficiencies, might as well screen them all.

      Biotin supplements have been recommended and seem to work well enough, often enough to be worth trying.

      The other thing I’d recommend is to make sure you’re really getting your scalp clean when you shampoo. There’s some observational data that clogged pores and follicles on your scalp cause shedding. I was told to shampoo like I was getting my hair washed at the hair salon, scalp massage and all; and make sure you’re really thoroughly rinsing all of your shampoo/conditioner out.

    17. Juneybug*

      My hairstylist recommends collagen. He suggests taking it for hair loss, unhealthy hair, etc. Any brand is fine. Since we lose collagen as we get older, it would make sense. I have not tried it since my hair seems to be doing well right now.
      In my earlier very stressful years (active duty military, raising two kids, etc.), I used Nioxin shampoo and conditioner. Now that I am retired and kids are grow/moved out/successful adults, I have less stress so my hair looks good.
      Good luck!

    18. Black Horse*

      I experienced sudden and quite severe hair loss several years ago, in my early 40s. I lost about a third of my hair over the course of a few months. My primary shrugged and referred me to a dermatologist, who did a biopsy (so unnecessary!) and ran some blood tests and decided I had genetic hair loss (despite the fact that not one woman in my family has experienced anything like this–they all have/had thick hair until well into their 80s!). Then the blood work came back and my ferritin levels were a bit low so she suggested I take iron supplements. It was like night and day; my hair started growing back within a few weeks of taking iron. Oddly a friend had the same thing (we have the same primary doc, so she was referred to the same dermatologist, who did the same things…I guess she didn’t remember my case??) and iron supplements worked great for her as well. So perhaps try getting your ferritin levels checked, and probably your thyroid as well since I know hair loss can be a symptom of thyroid issues. And I’m seconding checking for Celiac since that can do all sorts of weird things; my daughter’s hair got much thicker once she was diagnosed with Celiac and stopped eating gluten.
      I will say I found my dermatologist to be…less than bothered by what was clearly a sudden and unexplained physical symptom of _something_. It was almost like “well, it’s just hair…” when that wasn’t the point. Hair loss if you don’t have a family history of it isn’t normal, so there should be an explanation! On the plus side, now I know that my first symptom of low iron *now* (in my 40s) is hair loss, when as a younger person it would be something like being more tired than usual.

    19. Can't Sit Still*

      I have had substantial hair loss due an autoimmune disease and the medications to treat it, and a non-medical solution I found was silk pillowcases. My hair loss stopped once I switched to a silk pillowcase. They are pricy, but I think they’re worth the investment. If you don’t mind funky colors, you can often find them on clearance. I believe satin is supposed to work as well. I had the worst hair loss on sateen sheets, FWIW.

    20. CurleySue*

      Rogaine works differently for different people. Results are a typical bell curve. I’m lucky to be on the “grows more hair” end of the curve.
      I started having hair loss as menopause approached. Got tested for all the usual stuff that causes hair loss in women, and everything was in the normal range. My dermatologist suggested I try Rogaine.ive been using it for several years now.

      It takes 3 to 4 months to see results, and you have to use it twice a day. And if you stop using it (or skip doses) you’ll start losing more hair. Which is a PITA. But it works for me, so patience is a virtue. I don’t have the same thickness of hair that I had when I was younger, but it’s so much better than before I started using it.

      CVS has a generic version that comes in a 3-month supply box and if you get their coupons, the “40% off a single item” saves a reasonable amount. There are fancier versions that combine a bunch of other hair stuff with the minoxidil, but I never bothered with them ( too pricey). Also it comes in a higher percentage marketed “for men”. I haven’t tried that version, because even the “for women” version has the annoying side effect of my having to buy more depilatory. But that might depend on how “mustache-prone” you happen to be. A friend of mine also tried minoxidil but she had almost no body hair to start with, so YMMV.

      Good luck. BTW I think the location of where you’re thinning might depend on where your male predecessors showed their bald spots. My father & grandfathers ( yes, both of them) had typical “chrome-dome” baldness that started with a disappearing hairline and worked its way back. My thinning started on the front/top. But some men get bald where a skullcap would sit.

    21. old biddy*

      TL/DR – try Viviscal
      Seconding the vitamin D/iron/biotin/get your thyroid tested advice – all of the above things have helped me previously. Despite doing all the things that helped in the past, I had a lot of hair fall out a couple of years ago during a stressful year and in desperation started taking Viviscal. It’s pricy and tastes fishy, but after a month I could see the new hair growing in. It looked pretty crazy for a few months but the worst of it coincided with the start of lockdown. After appx 15 months of taking it, my hair is better than it was before the stress. I don’t have the big hair I did in my 20’s, but it’s ok for 52 and I am happy.
      They use some sort of marine extract in it, so I suspect that iodine might have been the missing piece of the puzzle for me.

    22. Wishing You Well*

      Female hair thinning as you age is normal in my family. I did the blood test. There’s nothing wrong with me but genes and aging. Shopping for hats now. *sigh*

    23. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My thinning hair has improved since I started taking Biotin about three years ago. Even my not-very-observant husband mentioned that it’s looking thicker than it used to. I take a 1000 mg tab.

    24. Rara Avis*

      My hair stopped growing last year, and my doctor did blood tests and found I had iron uptake issues. Taking iron supplements helped it start growing again, although it’s still pretty thin.

    26. JJ*

      Definitely see a dermatologist if you can. There is no one size fits all solution to hair loss, and it can be a sign of another medical issue (that isn’t aging)!

    27. Quiet Liberal*

      Ok, you are in your thirties, which eliminates what has worked for me. I saw my GP about my thinning hair in the same area as yours because I was freaked out. He tested for my thyroid levels and did physical tests to see if the follicles were just going bad(?). Anyway, nothing turned up there and he just shrugged it off. I then visited my dermatologist who I see for a minor skin condition, and because I’ve gone through menopause, put me on finasteride (generic Propecia) and Biotin supplement. After about three months, my hair rebounded marvelously. It was so thick and wonderful. It’s been about five years, I see him once a year, and he always assures me that taking the drug long-term won’t harm my health. (I would never worry about having hair at the expense of my health). At this point, I haven’t lost any more hair, but also haven’t grown new hair, either. At your age, you probably can’t do this regimen since I think finasteride causes birth defects, but I am urging you to see your dermatologist if you can. If your hair loss continues too long, it may be too late at some point to reverse the problem. Your doctor can at least pinpoint the issue and help find a solution.

  9. Dee*

    I’d like to discuss an ethical question – is it ethical (so, putting aside whether any rule or law that says it has to be a certain way) for a paramedic to refuse to evaluate a person who is conscious and verbal? Would anything sway your answer? (If people could be NOT graphic with description of what someone might need a paramedic for, I’d hugely appreciate it.) Thanks for any replies!

      1. Dee*

        Ugh, sorry. “graphic when they describe” ie I don’t mind a description but not so graphic

    2. English, not American*

      Conscious and verbal isn’t the same as lucid, so without further qualifiers I’d say it’s definitely not ethical if they’re on duty. And something like a concussion might not be obvious to the injured person but could have significant complications if they don’t know about it and treat themselves accordingly. Things that would sway my answer would be the conscious and verbal person being both lucid and hostile (definitely ethical to refuse), or the paramedic not being on duty (makes the situation more grey).

      1. English, not American*

        I should probably clarify that by “hostile” I mean plausibly physically, not just verbally. Verbally alone makes it more grey, being an arsehole isn’t grounds to be denied necessary medical treatment but it could be grounds to refuse to indulge a hypochondriac. There’s a reasonable line somewhere.

    3. Asenath*

      I’d think the paramedic would have to do some kind of evaluation (certainly, if the paramedic is on duty). It would not be required for the paramedic to actually physically examine the person if that person refused the service, and if the in the initial verbal evaluation the paramedic decided that the person seemed capable of giving or refusing consent. I’ve certainly known of a case in which the patient did not initially want to follow the paramedic’s recommendation of a trip to hospital, but agreed after persuasion from a family member. In that case, the paramedic had done enough of an evaluation to recommend an ER visit, but would not do more without the consent of the patient.

    4. Richard Hershberger*

      The question is worded backwards. The general rule is that people have the right to refuse treatment. This is the followed by the exceptions. But you asked not about treatment but evaluation. I’m not sure what you mean by that. Would it involve touching the person? The legal term for that is “battery.” It is illegal. Most agencies have procedures for how to interact with people who probably should get treatment but refuse it, involving both discussion and, inevitably, paperwork.

    5. HannahS*

      What? Like, if as a healthcare provider, you’re called to a scene and the person is conscious and verbal, unless they’re clearly lucid, understand what’s going on, and tell you they don’t want to be seen (so, deny consent), it would be incredibly irresponsible to look at them and go, “you’re conscious and verbal, gotta run!” I have 100% met people who were verbal and conscious who were having heart attacks and strokes. You can have serious injuries and be conscious and verbal (for a while). The only situation I can imagine that it’s ok to refuse is if you’re in a disaster zone and you have to triage. In that case, yes, going for crude measures like “All conscious people who can talk over on this side” can be ethical.

      1. HannahS*

        Or if it’s dangerous for you to treat, then yeah, the provider’s safety comes first.

        1. Reciprocity kind of went out the window, too*

          I mean, not always, as those of us who worked through the early days of the pandemic without adequate (or sometimes any) PPE can attest. Duty to care can supersede your own right to safety in some circumstances, depending on the imminence and severity of the danger.

    6. Katie*

      I am a volunteer EMT and I’m not really understanding the question. Generally we are called to a scene to help and if someone decides to refuse to be transported that is their right. But in those cases we still evaluate them and talk through why we think they might need to go to the hospital. I can’t think of a reason we would refuse to treat someone, unless the scene was dangerous and we needed to wait for fire or law enforcement for things like traffic control so we can safely access the patient.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I had a real life situation.
        My husband and I had fallen off a motorcycle at 60 mph when a deer jumped out in front of us. The EMTs came. I knew my husband was hurt much worse than I was. The EMTs kept asking me if they could help me. Since no one seemed to be doing much with my husband who was in far worse shape, I kept saying “Not until you help my husband first.”
        There were lots of people milling around, controlling traffic, etc., so I could not really see through the small crowd to find out what was going on with the Hubs. About the 7th or 8th time they asked me, they were getting kind of miffed with me. When I gave my standard reply one EMT lady said, “LOOK! We are loading him into the ambulance. You want a ride or NO, because we are leaving NOW and we WILL leave you here on the side of this rural county road!”

        I could see Hubs was indeed being loaded into the ambulance. I gave the okay for them to assist me. But she did threaten to leave me there. (I wasn’t upset by this. She was filling her role, just as I was filling a mama bear role by pushing help to my husband as fast as possible.) So they did not directly refuse me service but they did threaten to cut off service to me.

        I do think that there is only so much they can do for us. We have to cooperate with them- this is a biggie.

        Decades ago, my MIL (a nurse) was one of the first responders on the scene of a famous train wreck. She partnered up with a doc and they went about finding people. At one point, the doc said, “We can’t help him.” and they moved on to another person. MIL assumed the person had passed. I am not clear on why they did not try CPR. Perhaps other people were assigned that task? In some instances, I think sometimes people face hard choices and they have seconds to decide. But technically speaking they refused service to this one person.

        1. Rick Tq*

          The word you are missing is Triage. A mass casualty event like a train wreck creates far more casualties than can be treated in the normal way, to allow the most effective treatment they are immediately placed in three groups: Won’t die soon (Walking wounded), Will die with treatment (the MD’s assessment), and Can be helped. Group #1 (cuts and bruises) can wait while broken bones and arterial bleeding cases get treated. Someone with a crushed chest might survive if they were the only patient but they need a LOT of treatment for a low chance of survival.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            This, and once you start CPR you can’t stop, so moving on from someone who is not showing any signs of life in a mass casualty situation is not unethical.

            1. Bluephone*

              And what most movies and TV shows don’t tell you is that CPR is not always very effective outside of a hospital. It’s very much not the “3 pumps on the chest and then person wakes right up with no trouble” sitch that movies and TV like to show.

      2. AllieMiles*

        Katie, if you don’t mind, can I ask how you like being a volunteer EMT and what that entails? I was curious about volunteering for a role that requires an EMT license and a peace officer training/academy and the peace officer academy seemed like it infringes too much into day job time (SAR for county sheriff, all those roles are volunteer, but require PO academy). So I pretty much decided not to do that due to the PO component. EMT classes seem manageable, but what options are out there for volunteers that are not tied to the PO component in general?

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      That’s a very difficult question to answer without any more details. As others have mentioned, if there’s any sign of danger to or aggression towards the first responders, it’s very much up to their judgement. TV and movies have a lot of people believing that EMTs and paramedics should run into burning buildings and active crime scenes, but we were taught that the first rule of field medicine is “Don’t become another patient”, because that will mean you are unable to treat AND another crew will be needed to treat YOU. Barring that, a patient with, say, Nazi or racist tattoos should be cleared based on the reason for the call. And as others have said, patients who are competent can refuse treatment, no matter how bad they seem medically. If it is bad, you’ll get “implied consent” shortly when they pass out. But having done this job years ago, I could usually talk people into letting me examine them and clear them, or at least sign that they refused treatment AMA (against medical advice). If they didn’t, we called those AMF-YOYOs. (Adios MF’er, you’re on your own!)

    8. nnn*

      I’m not clear on what the scenario is.

      Is the conscious and verbal person saying “I do not consent to be evaluated”, or are they saying “Please, I beg of you, evaluate me” and the paramedic is refusing?

      If the patient wants to be evaluated but the paramedic is refusing, what are the grounds of the paramedic’s refusal? I can’t imagine any, but I’m sure that’s a failure of imagination on my part.

      And then we get into the philosophical morass of whether determining that the patient is conscious and verbal constitutes an evaluation. I’m sure it’s not a whole evaluation, but, thinking about the time (pre-pandemic) I walked into the ER with a head injury, I’m sure the fact that I walked into the ER and clearly stated that I had a head injury was a consideration in the triage.

    9. Dee*

      Oh my goodness was I out of it. I’m so sorry everyone, I completely left out the entire point.

      Is it ethical for a paramedic to refuse to evaluate a person who is conscious and verbal due to them not wearing a mask during the pandemic?

      1. WS*

        If a mask is available, the person refuses to put on a mask and doesn’t have a medical reason to not wear one, and is otherwise lucid and calm? Sure. The paramedic doesn’t have to put themselves in danger. Same as if a patient is in the middle of a highway – they can wait for the scene to be made safe.

      2. Squidhead*

        I think it’s ethical for the paramedic to ensure their own safety, but paramedics around here have been wearing full PPE for 12 months now. There are many types of cases where a paramedic might treat a patient who cannot wear a mask (emergent need for intubation, for example) and in these cases the paramedic relies on their PPE so it seems…disingenuous to refuse to treat someone who refuses to wear a mask. Also, this might not be an all-or-nothing scenario: The paramedic could verbally and visually evaluate the patient from 6+ feet away and then use this info to decide how to proceed. (Examples: dusky color, labored breathing, profusely sweating, 10/10 crushing pain in chest, wants to go to hospital but can’t tolerate mask…get them to the hospital! Versus: normal color and respirations, complaining of 5/10 pain in toe, no visible bleeding or deformity, wants to go to hospital because doesn’t want to pay for a cab…it’s a mask or no ride for you, buddy! [Caveats about how laws might differ from my opinion, but ethics doesn’t equal law and this is a hypothetical discussion.])

        2. Natalie*

          Indeed, there are lots of reasons a person in need of EMS *shouldn’t* be wearing a mask. And if the EMT is wearing adequate PPE and wearing it correctly, it’s extremely effective, I don’t think it’s comparable to the immediate and severe danger of being hit by a car or going into a burning building.

    10. Jennifer*

      As has been mentioned below (perhaps above, I’m not sure how the nesting of this message will work), when you have mass casualty incident, the triage protocol is that the first responder spends about 30 seconds evaluating each individual. That’s not “no evaluation”, but after 30 seconds you should know if they’re basically going to be (probably) OK (“green”), basically likely to die without massive one-on-one attention that you can’t provide without more people (“black”), basically can wait a bit (“yellow”), or basically need to get more attention ASAP (“red”). As you have more support, you can re-classify.

      Also, if someone is conscious and verbal and can move themselves, they’re almost automatically “green” — standard protocol is when the initial first responder arrives, s/he yells “If you can, move yourself over THERE” while pointing to someplace safe. Anyone who goes over there is presumed “green” — not that they’re uninjured, but they’re not about to bleed to death or whatever. You are supposed to check that group over, but after the un-moved.

      Source: I’m a ski patroller and have to refresh on this stuff at least every 3 years.

  10. Imogene*

    Boyfriend just got a (second) DUI 4 hours ago. I was completely shocked because I didn’t realize he was drinking, we’ve both cut back or stopped drinking completely. So I’ve been freaked out for the past three hours, but I managed not to drink.

    I’m grateful that no one was hurt, but I’m also so stressed. I have a broken ankle, so can’t drive to pick him up. I’m not working and this is going to be so expensive. And what do I do? How do I find a good DUI lawyer? Do I get him taken off the insurance, because he won’t be able to drive for (I think?) a year?

    1. hark, a field of red flags*

      With respect, I think you might be asking the wrong questions. Yes, take him off your insurance. In fact, disentangle him as much as possible from all your finances. But the big question is, does he recognize that he needs treatment for alcoholism, and if not how far will you enable him? Why is it your responsibility to find him a lawyer? You’ve got bigger problems than monetary expenses or who can drive. You might benefit from a therapist or a group such as Al-Anon to help you sort through this.

      1. bluephone*

        Oof yes :-( It’s going to be tough but the sooner you disentangle as much of your own stuff from your BF as possible, especially financially, the better. He presumably didn’t injure or kill anyone *this time* But if he doesn’t seek out actual help, he’s definitely going to rack up more DUIs and he will injure and/or kill (or multiple someones). When all the lawsuits are flying around from the victims/their families, you’re going to get hit too if your financials are still tied up with him–him being on your insurance, if the car is in your name, etc. Cut him loose and focus on your own journey with alcohol.

    2. Lena Clare*

      I’d ask for a list of DUI lawyers from the arresting officers, then get your boyfriend to search through to find a good one.
      He can get a cab or public transport back.
      And yes take him off the insurance, it’ll be much cheaper for you.
      Really, with the greatest respect, this is down to your boyfriend to sort it, not you. I wish you the best.

      1. pancakes*

        I’d ask anyone else about DUI lawyers before I’d ask cops. The state bar association would probably be happy to name a few if you don’t think anyone you know personally would have a recommendation.

      2. Maxie's Mommy*

        I’d go on Nextdoor for a referral. I’ve gotten good suggestions for all kinds of professionals.

    3. Not your job*

      Oh, I know this isn’t what you’re asking – but don’t work to sort things out for him. He made this problem; he can fix it.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. I keep thinking of Anne Lamott’s AA meeting, wherein one woman worried about hauling her drunk husband in from the front lawn, and another woman advised, “Honey, leave him lay where Jesus flang him.”

        Take care of yourself, Imognene. Don’t haul him in from the lawn with a broken ankle.

    4. Richard Hershberger*

      You find a good lawyer the same way you find a good plumber: ask around. Get a recommendation from someone who had a good experience with him, and has no financial interest in promoting him. This might a bit delicate with DUI lawyers, but it is by far the best way.

      Also, there are two kinds of DUI lawyers. Most see their role as getting you (or, in this case, your boyfriend) the best deal, both in court and (depending on how this works in your state) the DMV. The other kind sees his role as going bats**t crazy, challenging the calibration of the breathalyzer and so forth. He is trying to beat the charges entirely. This second kind costs a lot more money. They really are mostly for rich people.

      Auto insurance varies wildly from state to state. If you have a real agent, call them to discuss what you need to do. If you got your insurance on the internet, you will have to do the research yourself.

      Finally, as has already been noted, you might consider whether your boyfriend is a keeper. One DUI is a lapse in judgment. Two is a pattern. Keeping his drinking secret from you is not so much a red flat as an air raid siren. If he loses his license, your life will become much more complicated just for routine tasks. And it is entirely likely to be a recurring problem. And while I don’t know your personal situation, your comment about quitting suggests that he is not a healthy person to have in your life.

      1. Sue*

        The police have a list of attorneys who do DUI cases because arrestees can make a phone call and DUI attorneys are willing to take odd hour calls. In my state there is a program for anyone evaluated as having a problem (a given for a 2d offense). They can do a 2 year treatment program + 3 years of no trouble and have the DUI kept off their record. DMV can still suspend, require an Ignition Interlock device but it eliminates the jail component. It is coercive treatment but often successful. Any DUI attorney, whether a pd or retained will know these options.

    5. migrating coconuts*

      One can excuse the first DUI, maybe. That should have been enough of a wake up call to stop drinking and driving. A second one is inexcusable. You do him no favors by trying to fix this for him in any way. As the daughter of someone like this, you are only enabling him. You do realize this may be his 2nd one, but that just means he drives this way often and has only been caught twice. It’s only a matter of time before he injures or kills someone. Don’t pick him up, don’t get him a lawyer, don’t leave him on your insurance. And insist he get help.

      2. MissGirl*

        Yep, YOU don’t find him a lawyer, YOU don’t bail him out, YOU don’t give him any money. YOU get him off your insurance immediately, YOU don’t let him drive your car ever.

        1. Seriously*

          YOU report the car stolen immediately if he uses it after you told him not to drive it.

      3. pancakes*

        Yes to all this. “I’ve been freaked out for the past three hours, but I managed not to drink” suggests to me that both need help.

      4. Come On Eileen*

        Agree with all of this. I’ve been sober 7 years now, but when I was drinking, the number of times I drank and drive was astronomical. I never got caught but should have, many times. The fact that he’s gotten 2 DUIs means he’s driving drunk on a regular basis — he really needs to sort this out quickly, using his own resources. You can support him, but let him do the heavy lifting.

    6. Anona*

      Apparently car insurance gaps can sometimes make insurance way more expensive. This happened to me once ten years ago- I was without insurance for a summer because I didn’t have a car and then it was almost prohibitively expensive when I got it again.
      No idea if this is common, but worth looking into.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        It may be possible for him to get non-owner’s insurance, which is less expensive and may not be seen as a gap for future premium purposes. However, as others have said, this is for him to figure out and take action on, not you. Please don’t invite the consequences of his actions on yourself when you also need support.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yeah, what they said. This was not an unfortunate accident, this is now a pattern. I drink moderately but I have NEVER driven drunk, because I won’t drive if I have even one beer, just like I won’t drive without my seat belt on. It’s a tiny risk, but the consequences could be extreme. So the issue is not that he drank, it’s that he apparently can’t tell the truth or behave responsibly when it comes to alcohol. At a minimum, take him off your insurance.

    8. Anon for this*

      Have you ever pursued Al-Anon?

      My recommendation is to look into it. He started drinking and hid it from you; he got a DUI and will bring financial harm to himself; you are understandably concerned but you do not have to act/rush in to save the day. Best wishes to you and hopes he finds his own solutions.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        Quick sidenote: if you don’t care for the religious bent of Al-Anon, there are some other options! I’ve heard good things about SMARTRecovery, but you may be able to google for others in your region.

        1. Natalie*

          Yes, there are non-12 step and/or non-religious options for support, both for his drinking (and possibly for yours?) if you would not be comfortable with AA/Al-Anon.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      How do I find a good DUI lawyer?
      Your BF may be eligible for a public defender, this is usually based on income but here in NY the cutoff point is higher than one would expect. So it might be worth it for him to look into.
      It’s up to him to find a lawyer. That is part of taking ownership of his drinking. So you do nothing.

      Do I get him taken off the insurance, because he won’t be able to drive for (I think?) a year?
      You will have to talk to your insurance company.
      It could be that you just cancel the policy and get a new policy in your name only with a different company.
      DMV will notify the insurance company that he has another DUI- that almost automatically goes through the computer systems.
      When you call assume they already have been alerted about the DUI.

      “So I’ve been freaked out for the past three hours, but I managed not to drink.”
      Good for you! I truly mean that. Not something you asked but I think it would be wiser and more strategic to take a look at your own relationship with alcohol. BF, likewise, will have to look at his relationship with alcohol.

      I was allowed to drink started at age 7. (Different era back then.) By the time I was 19 or so I started wondering about what my actual relationship with alcohol was. There was a public service announcement on the radio that said, “If you think you might have a drinking problem, then you probably do.” That hit me between the eyes. Fortunately, my life was changing at that point and I decided to prioritize those other changes and let go of the alcohol. I get a cold chill thinking what could have happened if I took the other fork in the road. You won’t be wasting your time if you think about your own setting and how you want your life to play out. I am so thankful I made the switch in my life.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        Another quick note on the lawyer bit: The cost of hiring a private lawyer for this will run a few thousand dollars. A public defender is free, of course, but you get what you pay for. The OP should give serious thought to whether taking on this expense is her responsibility.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Just a plug that public defenders are often excellent and idealistic lawyers. The main problem is they have too much work and not enough time or resources, not that they lack talent or dedication.

          1. Dan*

            Yeah, in DC, the Office of the Pubic Defender is mostly staffed by Harvard and Yale grads.

            The biggest issue with any overworked PD’s office is if they’re too willing to settle cases and close them out than to truly make sure their clients are actually getting the appropriate representation.

            Although, that doesn’t concern me so much in this case. Seems like the OP’s BF needs another trip through the CJ system, the only real issue is to make sure that the outcome is fair and just.

          2. PhyllisB*

            Totally agree. The last time my son got a DUI he used a public defender (because we refused to help him. Had already been down that road.)He got excellent, respectful representation.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          From the little I have seen around me the public defenders do the same quality job that a private attorney does. But NY is going through some things in terms of paying closer attention to defendant’s rights. I am sure people are watching to make sure the PDs are on top of things.

          This is not to say that the quality of the PD is your concern, OP. It’s still up to your BF to figure out what is best for his givens.

    10. Pyjamas*

      The day after Labor Day (USA) 2016, I told my bf he had until January to see a therapist and with that therapist come up with a plan for his drinking. Otherwise I was out.

      In my experience, one can only control ones own actions. So you can’t make bf cut out or cut down on drinking. You can only refuse to enable it. One way is to continue to abstain from alcohol, as your drinking would give him an excuse to drink. (And if you do shopping, refuse to put alcohol on your shopping list.)

      Another way is to refuse to rescue him from the consequences of his actions. Separate things like car insurance (and hold onto the car keys!)

      Finally—you have to be willing and able to leave him for this to work—you can tell him that your staying is conditional upon his taking charge (and acknowledging) his problem by entering therapy, rehab, or Alcoholics Anonymous

      My story has a happy ending. Bf went to therapist, albeit not very seriously, and said, “my gf has a problem with my drinking”. Therapist blessedly answered, “If your gf has a problem with your drinking, then YOU have a problem with your drinking.” He’ll be five years sober this Sept. But I would have left else

    11. Jay*

      I finally realized that I can’t rescue my husband from his addiction. I can’t find the professionals, monitor the treatment, make sure he’s working his program – I can’t do any of that. I can – and I must – take care of myself, which has turned out to be much more work than I imagined!

      I spent a lot of time and energy trying to control his behavior and then trying to manage his emotions. That not only didn’t stop the addiction, it made me angry and resentful all.the.time because my needs weren’t being met. Now I make sure my needs are met first. I decided that I either had to accept him where he was or leave – and right now he’s working his program, he’s sober, and he’s fully present in our marriage, so I’m still here.

      Hugs. So so so so so hard.

    12. Not A Manager*

      I see you and I hear you when you say that you did not respond to this by drinking yourself. I’m really glad that you were able to choose what was best and healthy for you.

      “I managed not to drink.” There’s a lot behind that phrase. I gently encourage you to reconsider whether this relationship is safe for you at this time.

      I’m sending you good thoughts and encouragement, and I’m deeply thankful that your partner was apprehended before he hurt someone.

    13. Incognito for this one*

      Oh, I’m so sorry. I completely understand your shock and stress. My partner got a DUI after we were only together for a few months and while I was aware of his past and his problems (including a near-death accident earlier), I truly didn’t understand the depth and breadth of his alcohol problem. I’ll never forget how scared I felt when I found out he was in jail. The only worse thing was seeing his car that he totaled. Holy hell.

      I threw myself into being there for him. He moved in with me. I became our driver. I don’t regret doing these structural things, but I shouldn’t have been so focused on him. His situation was all I could think about, when I should have been taking care of myself and thinking about what I needed more than him. He handled all of his own insurance/lawyer logistics, he was clear that he wasn’t asking me to take on any of his obligations or debts. I wish I’d taken less emotional responsibility, though. Far less. And been open to leaving, even if I didn’t. I don’t regret staying (at all) but wonder if I would have had I not been so enmeshed. If I’d allowed myself to feel my anger at what he did and how much he risked. I had SO MUCH denial. I went to an Al Anon meeting at one point and while I didn’t love it, it was extremely helpful in pointing out all the ways I was inappropriately taking responsibility for everything. I ended up going to ther apy to work on myself in that way. He ended up going too, after I started, which was a relief.

      He did have relapses after that, which he hid from me. He’s been sober now for almost two years. My rule is that we can work through relapses but if he EVER drives under the influence again, I’m out. And he can’t hide any relapses, either. With distance and clarity, I’m incredibly angry he so recklessly endangered lives that way even if he actually didn’t hurt anyone other than himself. (While I drank, I never ever drove that way. It’s been a core principle in my life.) Our courtship was built largely on drinking, and it’s been a massive shift. I drink very little now, and it’s been good for me too. The first few months were the hardest, the habit was so ingrained. I wanted it all the time. But once the habit was broken, I’m fine without it. There are definitely days, but not many.

    14. StellaBella*

      How old is your boyfriend? Assume over 21? Then he can figure this out himself. Why is he on your insurance anyway? Could he not get his own insurance before you? Stop taking care of a grown man and care for your ankle and your mental and physical health. He needs to sort this out, not you. You are your priority, and he lied to you and is clearly less mature than you are. You can do better by being single or by finding another boyfriend who is not a liar and is sober. Driving drunk is a bad behaviour on top of his other bad behaviours and he clearly does not respect you or himself or others. Take the advice of all of us here and take him off your insurance and let him manage this problem he created, you are not his mom and he is not a kid. Being an adult means making tough decisions at times but ridding your life of this boyfriend who is a financial and emotional burden will be the best thing you can do, trust me on this. Once in 2014 I bailed out my high school flame from DUI jail and it cost me 2000$. He promised to pay me back. Never happened. I did it as I thought he had changed but alas he did not. We are no longer in contact as I blocked him from my accounts and phone shortly after this for my own peace of mind. Some people do not ever change. Help yourself before you help others.

  11. Dental issue*

    Hello everyone!

    I’m in my early 20s and I’m currently dealing with a dental issue, namely my upper teeth and my lower teeth are not aligned. I believe it’s called malocclusion. (my upper teeth are more advanced than my lower teeth). I’ve had this issue since my early teens and I received an orthodontic treatment for it (which reduced the gap) but my doctor said it wasn’t effective because it took too much time so I stopped it (I know, not the best idea). I don’t have any problems with it in my everyday life (except maybe for the appearance complex part) but I know it can cause problems in the long term. I’m going to set up an appointment with my dentist as soon as I can, but in the meantime I’d like to ask two questions:

    1) Has anyone dealt with the same dental issue during adulthood? What kind of treatments were you offered and how long did it take?

    2) I’m dealing with a lot of guilt and anxiety over this, because I know I should have taken care of it earlier and I’m worried treatments will be less effective now that I’m an adult. So I’m interested in hearing about anyone who had the same feelings about health issues and if you have advice in how to deal with it.

    Thanks!

    1. StrikingFalcon*

      I was in my 20s before I had any orthodontic work done. It worked well for me. The only part they couldn’t do for me as an adult was palate expansion, so I had to have some teeth pulled to make the rest all fit (but mine was quite severe). I think it took around a year – actually significantly less time than it would have taken if I’d had it done younger, because the field of orthodontics has advanced a lot. I got traditional bracket and wire braces with clear brackets on top to make them less noticeable, and solid colored brackets on the bottom, which are less expensive. It was worth it for me, there is way less stress on my jaw now and I like how my smile looks a lot more.

      My sister had some work done when she was younger but stopped partway through; she was told she was eligible for Invisiline (which I wasn’t because of the severity of mine), but she hasn’t done it yet.

      I promise you won’t be the only adult they are treating. Orthodontics still work on adults. I got quotes from two orthodontists and neither said anything about the fact that I didn’t take care of it younger. They just explained my options, gave me a quote, and I picked one. I do recommend getting multiple quotes and telling them you are doing so, as the second one I saw offered me the clear brackets on top at no extra charge to win my business (and it worked :p). We paid out of pocket.

    2. English, not American*

      I can’t speak from personal experience (I had my braces as a teen) but lately there has been a real trend among friends-of-friends in their late 20s/early 30s having orthodontic work, often to fix teeth that were straightened when they were younger but have since shifted. So if anything doing it as an adult could mean less risk of it undoing itself, making it more effective.

      1. Loopy*

        Seconding this, I work next to someone with Invisalign in her 30s. I also had braces myself as a late teen, wore the retainer after but… Not for long enough so my teeth shifted right back and I should get them done again as an adult. I just haven’t but I really should, all the progress of braces looks to be almost completely undone!

    3. Asenath*

      I’d consult the dentist – I think it is possible to have successful orthodontic work done as an adult. I know when I had some done (in my early teens), my family did a kind of carpooling with a woman in her 20s who was going to the same orthodontist. I grew up in a small town, so it was quite a drive to the larger town which had a visit from an orthodontist at intervals.

    4. twocents*

      31 here, and just got invisalign last year. I don’t know that I specifically had malocclusion (medical words just don’t stick in my head) but I had the issue of my teeth not being aligned. I asked my dentist for recommendations for an orthodontist, and she walked through the options. I went with invisalign because, for me, it cost the same and she said it was just as effective as braces for my specific issues. The technology’s really improved since my own failed early attempt at treatment when I was a teenager. I just switched to a retainer in January.

      Just as a heads up: a friend of mine went the clear braces route (he’s in his early 40s), and while you can’t tell in photos, they are just as noticeable as regular braces in person.

    5. Doctor is In*

      I needed braces as a kid but family could not afford it. Got braces as an adult in my late 30’s, and after a year, had planned surgery to move my mandible forward, then more time in the braces. Later had Invisalign for a tuneup. Before the treatment I could not get my top and bottom teeth to meet. It improved my appearance, but also improved dental function and ease of cleaning my teeth. This was all now years ago and I am very glad I did it.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        My mom didn’t get braces until after she had had her third baby for the same reason – she grew up poor. Her teeth were beautiful for years but then started drifting again so she had to get more treatment.

        But – this is what teeth do. Adult treatment works.

        And to OP – you were A CHILD when you made this decision. Forgive yourself. (And even if had completed the treatment as a child, your teeth might still drift back.)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I too have a malocclusion. An ortho who was a family member looked at it for me. He said, “Once the wires come off- everything will start to go back to where it is now.” He said for the amount of money and the amount of pain, I would not get the improvement I hoped for. Now this is for MY setting, YMMV.

      I have a heavy interest in alternative treatments and methods. In discussing this with a practitioner they said to eat a lot of soups and veggie drinks. I don’t chew well at all because of the misalignment. (Okay I don’t really chew at all.) This sets the stage for digestive problems all the way down through my digestive tract.

      So I added liquid foods to my routines. Fast forward 30 years later, I lost 7 of my teeth. I will probably end up with a partial at some point here. I am so glad that I did not sink a bunch of money into ortho because now I realize it would have only been temporary anyway. Again, ymmy.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        I’m my case, I was given clear retainers for both the top and bottom to wear at night. I wear them every night (they reduce how much I grind my teeth at night which otherwise triggers migraines for me, so I’m highly motivated to wear them). My teeth have not shifted at all since the wire came off, though they would if I didn’t wear the retainers. Everyone is different though, and some issues are much harder to fix than others. As Not So New Reader said, ymmv. Just offering my own experience.

        1. retainers*

          To add to this, I have a permanent retainer on the back side of my bottom front teeth and I also have regular removable retainers for the top and bottom, after getting Invisalign in my early 30s. These have kept my teeth from shifting for years now.

          1. Quiet Liberal*

            I can second this. I had full braces in the 70’s as a kid. Of course, the teeth started to shift immediately as soon as I stopped wearing the retainer. As a fifty-year-old adult, I went to an orthodontist because of gum issues that were caused by the shifting teeth and he was able to restraighten them without much effort and attach a permanent retainer to the backs of both top and bottom teeth. He made a silicone night guard made to keep me from grinding my teeth and gave me the impression form for future night guards. I’ve had many made over the last 10 years and no teeth have moved…the 10 year old impression matches my current teeth perfectly.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      You’re not alone in this.

      I’m thirty and experiencing the same thing where my teeth are out of alignment. Mine was down to adult thumb sucking as a result of childhood trauma that I still, occasionally, struggle with and a lack of proper and consistent dental care through my childhood. I also experience the shame and anxiety you’re talking about and have to keep reminding myself that sometimes this is what it is and I’ll deal with it no matter what happens.

      The important thing is to deal with it now that you know and to keep pushing forward. I also know many people who have had adult dental work done with braces and the like. It’s much more common now than I believe it used to be so know that if you do need braces then people really won’t think anything much about it.

    8. ten four*

      My bestie did braces for years as a teen, and then his jaw just kept on growing. His front and bottom teeth don’t even touch. He’s talked to a couple of orthos as an adult, and the interventions to fix it now are extensive and painful; he has opted against doing more work. It may yet cause problems down the road but so far it hasn’t, and trying to fix it would be a lot of problems too.

      I don’t know if your decision to stop treatment in your teens was right or wrong for you specifically, but I can definitely agree with others on this thread that it wasn’t Obviously Wrong and Shameful. Go ahead and talk to some orthos and get some info about what moving forward might look like! Early 20’s is definitely the right time to have this conversation; it does all start to get harder as you get into your 30’s and 4o’s.

    9. allathian*

      I have something similar. I had braces when I was 10/11 on our national health. Then we moved abroad for a year and the braces were removed before my teeth had settled in their new places, and they grew wonky again. When we got back home, at 14 I was too old for the free treatment, and at the time, my parents couldn’t afford to go private. I finally had my teeth straightened out in my early 40s. My dentist told me that the oldest patient they’ve treated successfully was older than 60, so it depends on the condition of your jaw bones. My teeth aren’t perfectly straight, but at least my incisors touch each other when I bite, and I don’t have the issues I used to with my jaw joints hurting. I have retainer wires on the inside of my front teeth, no problems with them except that I can’t floss. I do use a toothpick that looks like a tiny bottle brush to clean between my teeth, though.

      I had practically invisible braces for 7 months in my lower jaw and 6 months in my upper one, and paid about 5 grand. I consider it a good investment.

    10. Cheshire Cat*

      I’m quite a bit older than you and I also suffer from malocclusion. Specifically, I have an under-bite and my lower teeth are slightly in front of my upper teeth when I close my jaw. I’ve seen the condition referred to as “Type-3” bite and also “jutting jaw” when I’ve googled it. It seemed to have developed and became noticeable during a growth spurt in my early teens. For reasons, I didn’t got to a dentist between the ages of about 9 to 14 or so. I brushed regularly and didn’t have any cavities and my family probably couldn’t afford it. My teeth weren’t and aren’t crooked, I just have an under-bite.

      When I finally did go to a dentist he noted the condition and said that I should probably see a “maxillo-facial surgeon” and that the standard treatment involved breaking the jaw, removing some of the excess bone that causes the lower teeth to be positioned in front of the upper teeth, then pushing the jaw back and waiting for it heal. During the healing process your mouth is wired shut and you have to go on a liquid diet. He said it was something I could have done in the future when I was an adult. It is almost always sually considered “cosmetic” by insurance plans and not covered by them and I’ve never been financially secure enough to consider it.

      In my research I see where if it is caught early enough, dentists or orthodontists can treat the condition my using very large rubber bands and they are supposed to hold the jaw in place and prevent it from growing, or slow down the growth, so that the teeth in the jaw don’t stick out in front of the upper teeth. I’ve also seen some orthodontic treatments for the condition using braces that is supposed to alleviate the condition without surgery.

      In my 50s I had problems with cracked teeth due to their receiving excessive pressure when biting and chewing as a result of the malocclusion, but fortunately my dentist was able to repair the cracks and I have been able to keep my teeth, at least so far. I’ve also had some problems with my gums that may or may not be related to the malocclusion. I’ve been told that the malocclusion may be a contributing factor to my occasionally getting migraines.

      At this point in my life (I’m in my 60s) I’m probably not going to have any kind of corrective surgery or orthodontics. I don’t think about it a lot, but I do wish that my parents had dealt with when I was a child and , after that, that it was something that I could have afforded to deal with when I was younger, but things never worked out. When I smile and I’m aware of it, I try to have my lower lips cover my lower teeth. I kind of feel resigned to the fact that I’ll probably end up getting dentures or implants when I’m in my late 60s or 70s.

      If you can deal with it now, you should do so. Having good teeth and a nice smile is one of the top 2 or 3 things that makes a person physically attractive and you ARE worth it.

    11. Sparkles McFadden*

      Don’t worry about being the oldest person getting work done. Almost everyone I know had dental issues addressed as adults with dental coverage. People get things fixed when they can afford to do so and there’s no shame in that. Some people wait to get treatment until a time when they know they will adhere to the plan. There’s no shame in that either

      I have the same issue but, as weird as this sounds, it never occurred to me that anyone’s teeth line up exactly. My newish dentist (I have been with her for two years now) is very good but harps on Invisalign at every single visit. My teeth appear to be straight so they’re cosmetically fine. I have never had any problems chewing, I don’t grind my teeth, I don’t clench my teeth etc., so that’s probably why I never think about it. I actually tried a night guard as the dentist suggested, eventhough I am not a grinder. I’m glad I did because the night guard made me sick to my stomach and I’d wake up in the middle of the night, feeling queasy. I gave it up after a month. (I still use in for sports. I really like it for that even though that’s not what it’s supposed to be for.) That was a pretty inexpensive way to find out that I would not want Invisalign in my mouth 22 hours a day. I can’t say I’ll never try it but for right now, I’m giving it all a pass.

      That’s from me in my 50s. If Invisalign had been around in my 20s, maybe I’d have tried it then.

    12. osmoglossum*

      Last November I got braces (the old-school metal, train track kind) for malocclusion — at age 54. My dentist, whom I trust implicitly, is doing the work himself, no orthodontist involved. My bite became misaligned because I was grinding my teeth at night for decades and I didn’t know it and all the other dentists I had been to (before finding my awesome current dentist) . . . never noticed? never realized? just ignored it? didn’t care? The thing about misaligned teeth/jaw, is that it affects the entire body in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. It affects posture, it affects mobility, it affects sleep. I can’t speak to feelings of guilt and anxiety because I don’t have any. What I do have are feelings of rage toward the other dentists who did not do right by me.

    13. WS*

      One of my mother’s friends got braces in her mid-60s because she was sick of dealing with the consequences of crooked teeth. She was told it’s often more effective and faster as an adult because your face isn’t growing at the same time. Ask your dentist about it – sometimes teeth are crooked with no particular consequences (like mine), sometimes it means that there’s greater chance of decay or a weird bite pattern that means some of your teeth are at risk of cracking.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I suspect your treatment options will be different now than when you were younger. However, you were a kid. And kids do dumb things. Forgive your younger, dumber self, and take care of yourself now.

    15. Rara Avis*

      I had braces as a kid, but my teeth slipped and I have malocclusion. I have no interest in doing braces again, and my dentist has never recommended them. (The expense is one factor; the inconvenience another.) My husband chose the opposite tack and is currently doing Invisalign in his 50’s. He says it hurts the first 24 hours he changes to a new tray size.

    16. Dental issue*

      Thanks to all of you for your (very encouraging) answers!

      I guess I was really overthinking this, and it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one dealing with these issues.
      One thing I didn’t know was that malocclusion could have an effect on things like posture (I definitively have some problems with that) so I’ll keep that in mind when I talk to my dentist. I was also glad to learn that there are several options available for adults (I already knew about some of them but not all).
      I’m still anxious about it, but a lot less than before.

    17. not too late!*

      My dad got Invisalign at 60 to correct a dental issue that affected jaw/eating/etc. It worked. Never too late! The key thing is to remember to keep up with the retainers after treatment is finished. If you do that, it will be effective! If you’re worried about it, ask about a perm-retainer (piece of metal adhered to the back of your teeth). They do this for kids often, assuming they forget their retainers, but typically it’s not offered to adults because it’s not “cosmetic”. But if you’re forgetful (like me), it’s a game changer.

    18. little e*

      I know it’s late but I’m offering one more voice.
      I am currently in metal braces and hoping for jaw surgery this year. I had braces as a teen but did not wear my retainer. When I had to have a root canal and a crown put in because of my misaligned jaw and teeth grinding, I went to some orthodontist consultations. (Consultations are usually free! Go to as many as you can emotionally handle, in my opinion.) Two of the three orthodontists said I needed braces (not Invisalign) and surgery. The odd one out said my problem was from tongue thrusting and we could just extract a tooth from the bottom if the bite wasn’t fixed with braces.

      My original hope when I started treatment was 12 months with braces, surgery, 6 more months with braces. I just hit two years of braces. I don’t know whether my adult teeth aren’t as responsive but I can say that it seems to hurt more than when I had braces as a teen. Maybe I’m not as emotionally resilient as a teen. My teeth HAVE changed.

      Cost – I go to a pricey orthodontist. Depending on the payment plan, I could have payed $8000-9000. There was an option to pay in full, opt for low monthly payments (I chose this one), or opt for a low down payment. I think I just hit the end of the payment plan. The surgeon (had to consult with him too) wanted to do double jaw surgery, which was $25k but he said would not be covered by insurance. I requested single jaw surgery. That is $10k but insurance might cover it. (Two years ago, that is what they said…) Even if they don’t, I know I can pay for that over time.

      Guilt – yes, I felt bad because this might not have happened if I took better care to wear my retainer as a teen. But I didn’t and it did. And my teeth might have changed anyway. More, I blame myself for not getting the problem taken care of sooner and not spending the money to get a custom mouth guard from my dentist instead of an OTC moldable mouth guard. (I think that mouth guard made my issues worse.) My orthodontist said I did not HAVE to get treatment – I would just grind my teeth down more and experience more root canals and get more crowns. I did not want that. Instead of feeling bad, I try to feel good that my financial situation is such that I can afford this treatment and one day soon I might have nice teeth.

      My advice for you is to go to your dentist. Find orthodontists and schedule consultations. They will take photos and x-rays. Choose an orthodontist you like and who makes you feel comfortable. Have a list of questions and concerns. Try to cry in the car and not in front of the ortho (like I did). Decide where your line in the sand is. For me, it was having to get an emergency root canal the day after New Year’s. The sooner you start, the sooner it is over. At least, that’s what I hope. Good luck!

  12. Potatoes gonna potate*

    COVID VACCINE POST

    Just curious — Has anyone received both doses for the vaccine and not felt anything at all?

    I got my second dose of Pfizer on Monday and to be honest by Tuesday, I almost forgot I had taken it, I felt “normal.”

    the only thing I can say was different was that I felt tired earlier than usual but that could also have been attributed to another event earlier that day. I also had mild arm ache but my arms always hurt. So being in pain and tired is my baseline.

    I was so prepared to have felt something that I cleared 2 days from my calendar. Everyone I know has had some symptoms following the vaccine.

    1. StrikingFalcon*

      I had symptoms, but the clinical trials showed that around 50% of people had no side effects. The vaccine was still equally effective for them. It’s nothing to worry about!

    2. Loopy*

      I have not had the vaccine but my father had this experience. I was surprised as he’s much older but he reported pretty much the same after both doses.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yep, my 80-something dad said he felt a little tired after the second dose, that’s all. Not even a sore arm or anything.

    3. Flower necklace*

      I had very mild symptoms after my second Pfizer shot. My arm hurt and I felt a little tired, but that’s about it.

      I’m a teacher. We’re in hybrid and people are still getting vaccinated. Some people are good enough to come in the next day, while others can’t make it. One of my coworkers said she initially felt fine and then had to go home. The reactions really vary. Like you, I was prepared to stay home for a few days. I feel fortunate that my reaction wasn’t that bad.

    4. Dumpster Fire*

      My mom had both Pfizer shots and reported absolutely no side effects at all, not even the usual sore arm (except for when I poked her there!)

      1. pancakes*

        I’ve just had my first of the Pfizer and my arm was sore the next day, and for two days. Very happy to get that shot nonetheless! And otherwise felt fine.

    5. No Name Yet*

      I had some fairly significant symptoms, but I had several coworkers (we’re in healthcare) who had zero symptoms at all. And I’ll echo what StrikingFalcon said, the clinical trials data said the vaccine was just as effective!

    7. Pharmgirl*

      Two people I know who received Pfizer had no side effects with either. While in general the second dose of both vaccines seems to have more side effects, a pharmacist I work with who got Pfizer feels anecdotally that people tolerate that one better.

    8. Pipe Organ Guy*

      A week and a half ago I got my first vaccine shot (Moderna). I hardly felt the injection, maybe felt a little tired that day. A day or two later, I had a sore spot on my arm around the injection site; as sore spots go, it was pretty minor. My second shot is scheduled for March 30, right in the middle of Holy Week, a busy time of the year for church musicians and staff. I’m hopeful I don’t get an incapacitating reaction, because I have service bulletins to get done, music to practice, services to play Thursday and Friday nights, and the biggie, Easter Sunday.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That was my initial thought haha. I didn’t want to say it out loud and jinx anything tho!!! Seems like 48 hours is the period and after that out of the woods.

    11. Valancy Snaith*

      No word on my own personal vaccine yet, but my dad got both shots of Pfizer and said after the second shot he felt a little tired, and a little sore in the arm, but otherwise perfectly fine. He, too, was surprised, having heard that the second shot especially tended to knock folks out.

    12. Yellow Warbler*

      I got the single J&J. Felt great for 12 hours, then the chills and hot flashes hit. They subsided within another 12 hours.

      1. Miss Dove*

        Same symptoms for me with the J&J. Have felt fine after the first 24 hours. It’s been a week now.

      2. Been There*

        I am part of a J&J trial with two shots. The doctor told me that less than half of the people in the trial reported side effects after the first shot, and the side effects after the second shot are less than the first shot.
        I felt no side effects after both shots, but don’t know if I got the vaccine or placebo.

    13. A Girl Named Fred*

      I’m with you. I had a little soreness in the arm the day of and the next few days was a little tired, but other than that I was totally fine. We had a few people from our office call out the day after due to side effects, but probably 70-80% of us had no issues.

    14. Elle Woods*

      My mom got her second dose last week. Her arm was sore for a couple of days but only if touched where she received the shot. My dad got his second dose three days ago. He hasn’t had any arm soreness but was pretty fatigued for about 48 hours afterward. He’s feeling fine now.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Not got it yet, so I’m jealous lol.

      I just saw some epidemiology data that said the efficacy of J&J increases with time, so I’m not worried about which one I get. Just stick me!

    16. Blackcat*

      Anecdotally, what you’ve described seems somewhat common in folks 50+. I don’t know anyone 75+ who has had substantial side effects. The folks I know in their 20s/30s have all had much worse side effects.

    17. science teacher*

      The side effects that people feel from the vaccine are the side effects of a healthy immune system working as it should – fever, aches, exhaustion, etc. The stronger the immune response, generally the worse you’ll feel (but it’s short-lived.) This is why older people generally have fewer symptoms than younger people – our immune systems decline as we age. This is also why people who have already had COVID have TERRIBLE symptoms – their immune system is ready to kick in hardcore, which is great, but makes you temporarily feel like shit. This is also why there is a stronger reaction to the second shot than the first – your immune system is ready to go and fights harder to the second exposure, because you already have some antibodies from the first dose.

      If you had no side effects, it could mean you’re in your fifties or older; that you have a suppressed immune system; and/or that you’ve never had COVID. Or it could just be randomness. Either way, the vaccine still works (as others have noted.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yikes. I am in my mid 30s. I haven’t had COVID. I was under the impression my immune system is pretty decent despite chronic health conditions. Is there a way to test my system?

        1. sequined histories*

          You could just be fortunate not to feel sick after getting this particular vaccination. There’s zero public health advice saying you should be alarmed or seek follow-up medical care because you do not feel sick as a result of this vaccination. There is absolutely no reason to assume you need to “test your system” for anything. Loads of people have gotten actual coronavirus infections without ever having any symptoms or feeling anything. They were lucky! It’s hardly surprising that one particular person might not experience much discomfort as the result the vaccine. This is just one of those random, small blessings. Just continue to exercise common sense and take care of yourself as you would have otherwise.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Yes, I haven’t changed any of my habits – still wear a mask and keep my distance as well as washing hands constantly etc. I will not miss wearing the mask but do enjoy ppl keeping their distance. I’m trying to kee up with daily news on what’s safe yet but things change so rapidly, it feels safe to just continue good habits.

        2. science teacher*

          Yep – could definitely just be random luck. It absolutely doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your immune system. I will say, that it’s a sign that a) you’re correct that you haven’t had COVID, not even an symptomatic case, and b) you don’t have a SUPERDUPER active immune system. (Again, not something to worry about or that you need to do something about.)

    18. Mimmy*

      My husband and I both got the first dose of the Moderna vaccine on Thursday. We both felt a bit off shortly afterwards (he described it as similar to feeling low sugar) and had arm soreness, especially yesterday. Otherwise, our symptoms were barely noticeable. I was totally prepared to feel like crap for the next 24 or so hours, so I’ll take the unexpected blessing of very light symptoms for both of us :) I’m in my late 40s, he’s in his late 50s.

    19. Girasol*

      I read that women are getting more side effects than men. They think it’s because their immune systems are more active than men’s are. I felt “off” after the first Moderna shot, but in the strangest way. I felt slightly high and all the sore joints that had been bothering me quit being sore. Alas, I got over it.

    20. Esmeralda*

      I got the J and J yesterday. Felt like someone slugged my arm hard, for about an hour. A little headachy today. That’s it!
      My spouse has body aches, tiredness. (Napping right now)

    21. londonedit*

      Both of my parents (in their 70s) and my sister (mid-30s, clinically extremely vulnerable) have had their first vaccines (AstraZeneca) and none of them had any side-effects whatsoever.

  13. Jane*

    Dog experts – please help! Our goldendoodle puppy (4.5 months) doesn’t sleep very much. In a 24 hour period she probably sleeps 6-7 hours total, which is WAY less than the expected 18-20 hours for her age. And, when she does sleep, it’s a light sleep. She’ll perk up at any sound.

    Because she’s not sleeping, she gets really bitey and frustrated during the day. Which I get! It’s become challenging to interact with her because she doesn’t have much interest in her toys and often she’ll just sit and bark at you or nip at hands/feet. This is different then when we brought her home at 2 months. I know biting is a part of the process, but there’s not much interaction that isn’t her either having constant zoomies or nipping at anything in sight. She’s SUPER food motivated, so I’ve been doing a lot of puzzles / snuffle mats / etc to feed her and give that mental stimulation.

    When I called the vet they just said to exercise her more—but even on a day when she got 3 miles in walks and 25 min of play/running with us in the yard, no difference. And it felt like a lot of activity for this 7 pound puppy!

    She’s crate trained in that she sleeps in a crate at night and we have a routine during the day where she’s in the crate. She’s in the crate for 1.5-2 hour intervals depending on my work calls. We’ll go potty, do some training, play, get water, and then go back in. Sometimes I get wild/frenzied barking which I try to not reward. She has barked for 3-4 hours straight before. When she’s not barking she’s just sitting or laying down awake. Currently she wakes up at 4am and will bark non stop until 7 or later. We take her potty and put her back in the crate without being exciting, but still the barking. (**we have a house so thankfully we aren’t keeping an apartment building awake too**)

    We are getting training from a dog trainer focusing on helping her relax and be calm. We try to reward relaxed behavior and I know it will take time.

    I wanted to check in and see if there’s any other thoughts people had. We’ve experimented with different crates, crate location, sound machine, covering/not covering the crate, kind/amount of exercise, bones/toys in the crate, bed/no bed.

    Is this a phase or is there anything glaring we should try? She is a super friendly and smart dog and we love her personality when we get to see it!

    1. Blurred*

      Is she a min golden doodle? 7 lbs is smaller than most golden doodles I know at 2 months. I ask because if she’s mixed with a toy breed, different advice may be needed, but I can share general retriever info. I found 4-5 months old the most challenging stage because 1) teething. Oh Lordy, so much biting and destructive chewing and 2) it’s hard to get them tired with exercise. Leashed walks rarely tire puppies out. They need lots of romping, free play. Do you know another puppy, or a good doggie daycare? Playing with other puppies was the only thing that really worked.

      1. Jane*

        Yes she’s a mini. She’ll be about 18lbs fully grown. We go to parks and run around on a long leash and do play dates with other dogs. Good call to focus more on that type of activity!

    2. Barbara Eyiuche*

      I would only keep her in the crate at night. She seems to be associating it with punishment now. Could you keep her out of the crate all day? Continue trying to tire her out, but after a walk and playtime, just let her stay in the house out of her crate. It might take her a while to get used to just relaxing in the living room without bothering you, but at least she probably wouldn’t be barking for hours.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Agreed on it sounding like not enough exercise. As one of our dog trainers said, “A tired dog is a good dog. An exhausted dog is a GREAT dog” For that breed and age especially, I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much exercise, if of course you make sure they have enough water etc

      2. alex b*

        I agree. It’s not a phase; the dog is on edge and not sleeping because she’s not exercising nearly enough. This is a puppy who needs to be run ragged regularly! You don’t moderate a puppy’s activity; she’ll do it for herself. Tired dogs are happy dogs.

        PS Barking for 3-4 hours straight?! What on earth?!

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I wonder if the golden side is related to my brother’s golden retriever. She can, and has done exactly that for reasons such as “there is a shoe and I want to stick my nose in it” and “I would like to play with the feral neighborhood cats” prior to being medicated. She also sleeps very lightly and not very long, and always has with or without medication. But without medication, exercising her was a bit of a crapshoot because she would run herself literally until she hurt herself and just keep going. She also would simply… forget to eat. She’d get distracted and run off, and Sir Fusspot would eat all her food.

          She’s on Ritalin now (she actually, literally, has ADHD), and that’s helped with a lot of the issues. OP, if this all sounds very familiar, it might be worth seeing a behavioral specialist (but hopefully your pup does NOT have ADHD!).

      3. Natalie*

        It might be a lot for a puppy, though, depending on what kind of exercise it is. To much intense exercise can be bad for their physical development, although that’s more of an issue for larger dogs.

      4. MissGirl*

        Actually the recommendation is 10 minutes per age in months per day. So 45 minutes for this dog.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My guy is a husky mix. He’s high energy even now at age 12. Like you say he never slept. I changed his diet got him towards foods that were downers such as turkey. Chicken was a big no-no for him. I had been feeding him kibbles and I switched to home cooked veggie mixes. I kept him stocked up with chewies, but he only had them when I was home. He dispersed a LOT of energy through chewing on those chewies.

      On one hand I gave a lot- changed his diet, got him some supplements and so on. But on the other hand I “demanded” of him. He’s a talker. I mean he talks constantly. I taught him when I said “enough” and wagged my finger that he needed to stop with the verbal. When your pup barks for hours straight something is going on. The pup could have an actual problem or it could be the pup needs to be told NO, STOP. I can’t tell which answer is appropriate. Even with my own pup, I would check him each time to make sure I was being fair with the animal. Sometimes all his blabbering was because his toy was stuck under a piece of furniture. I pulled the toy out. If he did not quiet down, I told him “It’s okay, that’s enough.”
      Checking and correcting feels like it will go on forever. But actually it doesn’t and they do settle.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I honestly don’t think the puppy’s getting enough exercise.

      Three miles a day plus 25 minutes for a puppy of her age with those two breeds in her, I think she needs more. And I’m saying this as a somewhat exhausted owner of a basset-dachshund cross that needed so much more exercise than I expected. On a normal day when I’m working, we do two forty-five minute walks through a hilly area plus an hour’s worth of ball play but at the weekend we go for a hike or to the beach, whatever it takes to get her exhausted. It was harder when she was a puppy because she had so much more energy but she’s settling down now.

      Honestly, the puppy stage is so much harder than people expect and if you put the effort in now, it’ll be easier for you in the long term.

    6. Natalie*

      A couple of thoughts:

      Consistent exercise will certainly help, but I would caution you not to only focus on that. Puppies can overexert themselves easily. You want to do more exercise where she’s in control of resting for a moment, think running around the yard or playing fetch versus leashed walks. Dogs will also condition themselves just like a person, and then they’ll need more exercise to get the same affect. Some kind of fetch or flirt pole can be a great two for one because it’s mental and physical stimulation.

      If she’s really small, she’s mixed with some kind of terrier, and bluntly you can’t predict behavior for these kind of designer mixes. She may have way more terrier traits than you were expecting, and if that’s true she’s going to need a lot of mental stimulation. Start researching dog sports.

      I might try using the crate for sleeping only for a while, including enforced naps. Some dogs *will not* settle on their own, you have to make them via crate, dark quiet room, etc.

      I don’t know what she has for chewing, but that is very calming for dogs. If she doesn’t chomp down on things I would look for cow bones, if she does chomp you could look st slightly softer options like wood chews or yak cheese.

    7. Puppy!*

      I know this sound counter intuitive but I got this advice from this group.
      I HAD the same exact situation.
      LESS EXERCISE!
      Took me more than a week to implement but saw almost immediate results. Now she sleeps from 9 to 11:30 and 1:30 to 3:45 and 7:30 to 11: 00 and then 11:00 to 5:00 am
      We went to a strict schedule of 5 minutes of exercise for every month so 4 months. No more than twenty minutes.
      Dog training- Mat training. 5 minutes at a time. Coming when called.
      Doggy playdates at a distance- no more than 15 twenty minutes.
      Her bed and mat are in the corner of the kitchen- she gets up at a sound but settles back-down.

      She may be too young to wait till later in the morning. I do still take her out at five am and then she settles with a bully stick or a frozen treat, while I do other things.

      I also have a Team Puppy. These are individuals who come by for walks and playdates . Helps with socialization, separation, and energy.

      1. Puppy!*

        oh and we pretty much failed crate training. YMMV. We have her in a penned area. She eats in the crate but was never able to settle to sleep.

        1. cheapeats*

          Agree. Look up Absolute Dogs- they have some great online programs. They also recommend fewer walks (they also have a podcast, Sexier than a Squirrel, and a youtube channel). They teach you that every dog has a bucket, and that every stimulation, whether good or bad, fills the bucket. Once the bucket is overflowing the dog becomes super reactive and has an extremely hard time settling down. We have seen this with our rescue, who we got as a puppy at 5 months. He’s a nut job but getting so much better.
          So you’re introducing a lot of exercise and it’s not working- try a few days of introducing calm. Less activity, less stimulation, more soothing activities. They have a lot of great resources on their site.
          Good luck! Puppies are rough. It’s a good thing they’re super cute.

      2. Dog and cat fosterer*

        I had mentioned the 5-minute/month advice, which I got from another fosterer that I trust, and it has been a life-saver with my retriever pup. I’m so happy it worked for Puppy! also.

        My pup is 6 months old, so I go on three 30min (6×5min) walks per day.

        Everyone who is recommending more exercise is likely used to adult dogs. The person who gave me the 5min/month ‘rule’ about exercise works with herding breeds, which are extremely active, so this isn’t about breed (although busier breeds should get more of these walks, so 2-4 per day instead of 1). I agree with the benefits of playing with other poopies and dogs, and running around the yard. The time rule is based on their bones and physical growth, as dogs shouldn’t be asked to do jumping sports (agility with jumps) or running with an owner until their bones are fully developed at about a year old. They can run all they want off-leash in an uncontrolled space, so playing with another dog is fine, but they shouldn’t be in a situation where they are forced to do more than 20 mins of leash walking at a time even if they are full of energy (I occasionally go on longer walks, so this isn’t absolute, but your normal walks should be 15-20mins for now). When I did a longer walk with friends then it resulted in being overtired and that’s why they get bitey and obnoxious. The bitey and barking behavior is almost guaranteed to be about being overtired.

        Mental activity is very important so that part is great. Calmness training is also really good!

        I’m wondering if there might be a food allergy problem that is causing her tummy upset and problems with sleeping? That endless barking in the morning is bad news, not just for you but also her. Do you trust her to be in bed with you during those hours? I would honestly try it just to see if something different works. You don’t have to have her in bed forever, just for a few days or a week to see if it helps. If so then maybe set up a crate next to your bed, or a dog bed next to your bed. But I would also try a low-ingredient non-bird (especially avoid chicken) food for a few weeks. Or I made up ground beef with a lot of veggies and fed that for a couple weeks because I wanted a meal that was guaranteed to be safe.

        It seems that you know she’s overtired but you don’t know how to address this. I completely agree and hope that shorter walks, food allergies, or sleeping differently might help. I am not good about having a daily schedule, but I think she could really benefit from consistency until she sleeps better.

        One last thought: frenzied barking isn’t about rewarding or not. An older human having a temper tantrum knows better, and should be ignored. But a puppy that young who is barking like that can be hugged and massaged (I massage their shoulders/back to calm them). Don’t reward them with cuddles for barking at the back door at 4am, and you do want them to settle in the crate, but go with your gut and if she will sleep better in your arms then do that for a while. Sort out her sleeping habits before worrying about the crate. Which is really funny for me to say as I work with a lot of dogs that have separation anxiety and I know the importance of crating, but deal with the sleeping first and foremost!

    8. Missouri Girl in Louisiana*

      I have had retreivers for a number of years and this is pretty common. Retrievers are “mouthy” dogs and like to have a toy in their mouths. I keep Nylabone products for my Golden (and only Nylabone) in his kennel. Having said that, I also teach my dogs to behave in their kennel and get into a routine. They are not allowed to bark and bark (sports barking) so you have to figure out why the dog is barking and fussing. You can teach the dog to bark, which stops the sports barking, just like you teach the dog to “jump” to stop jumping issues (my Golden has a “Hugs” command which allows him to jump up on me and get scritches on his neck/chest which is a reward in and of itself). If you do social media (and for this issue, I would recommend FB pages), find a Competition Dog Obedience, GoldenDoodle, or find out what the local obedience training group is near you and at least follow them on FB. The best obedience trainers are those either showing in competitive obedience or part of a club. You do not have to want to show in dog sports but there’s a world of excellent advice and help right there and it’s free. However, you have a puppy and like a toddler, they will push the limits and challenge you (and get the biting under control asap. not cute-not for a large or small dog).

    9. chopsticks*

      I can’t tell for sure but you might be rewarding the barking in the crate if you’re waiting for her to wake up and then take her out. If she wakes up, barks, then you take her out to potty, even if you put her back in after she’s pottied you’ve rewarded the barking which is causing her to bark even harder next time. Try to get her up and take her out before she wakes up on her own and starts barking – and start being stricter on not rewarding barking in the crate. Crate training was really hard for our goldendoodle too, I think because their personalities are so social, and he would not settle in his crate for quite a long time. 3-4 hours of straight barking was not unheard of for us, unfortunately, and be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. I think you might need to work more on the crate training, and I agree with the importance of puppy play. Our pup did puppy kindergarten and started puppy day care 2-3 times a week at around 4-5 months. Good luck!

    10. Dog and cat fosterer*

      To reiterate:
      Biting and barking are very clear signs your puppy is overtired. Just like a human baby that gets cranky until it falls asleep. More exercise is not going to fix this! Exercise in smaller chunks (20mins for a 4 month old pup) would probably help. Also look for underlying medical problems that may be causing a lack of sleep, such as food allergies, although I’m not a vet so please ask around (although maybe ask your trainer to recommend another vet if your current one wasn’t helpful).

      Your pup is giving you every sign that this will get worse rather than better if you go on longer walks.

      1. Puppy!*

        I second this. The tired dog is a happy dog is just wrong. My pup in less than a week went from bitey, whiney, barky to content, easy to settle, able to listen. I learned how to hold her quietly under her chest for attentive quiet time when it seems that she was in “melt down” mode.
        Thank you AAM puppy people for all your great advice.
        She is seven months now. –
        she is house trained- goes to the door when she needs to go out. She also pees on command.
        She is well socialized.
        She knows how to
        sit
        leave it
        Go to your mat
        up and down
        in and out
        wait
        down-stay
        come
        touch.
        window
        crate.
        get your stick
        bring it
        ball
        high five
        stay
        loose leash walk.
        go to bed.
        Plays well with others.

  14. WG*

    My husband didn’t have a reaction to either of his shots. A little soreness in the injection site, but otherwise no issues. I think I read somewhere that only about 30% of people have a reaction.

  15. Question from Houston*

    Ok, folks, let’s assume you’re an educator, and your spring break has sprung, and you’re in Houston- what would you do to get the most out of your week during the pandemic?

    1. Anonymath*

      Not a hard assumption here! We’re sleeping in more, planning on visiting the beach in Galveston on an early morning to avoid crowds, getting takeout from a more distant but interesting restaurant, and planning a backyard camp out. Also lots of spring gardening. It’s not a trip, but at least it’s different.

    2. WellRed*

      I’d plan some fun stuff like Anoymath suggests. I’d also build in a day or two to tackle some cleaning or big project I keep putting off.

    3. Web Crawler*

      I don’t know Houston (I’m in Georgia), but I’d probably find some hikes to take advantage of the spring weather. Another thing (if you live in a city) is to find the nearest rural area and stargaze- my partner and I did that a few weeks ago and it was amazing.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Go to Galveston, check out the Arboretum, go to Brazos Bend State Park, drive out on 290 and look for bluebonnets (I am not sure they are out yet). I imagine the Enchanted Rock park will be super busy during spring break.

    5. Loves libraries*

      In Georgia. Our break is in 2 weeks. We’ve planned a trip to a state park and stay in a dog friendly cabin. Our 2 adult sons live between the park and will join us for a long weekend. We will hike and relax. Cabin has no wifi. May get takeout but no restaurant meals this trip.

  16. Realtor question*

    Have you had experience with buy a home where the realtor is both the seller and the buyer’s agent?

    Spouse and I have been looking for a new home for about 6 months. We sold our last home with a realtor we like who has been helping us find a new place.

    Unfortunately with the market being what it is, we’ve had no luck. Her other clients have their first or second offers being accepted. We are offering 10% over asking, waiving all contingencies and still losing the bidding war.

    A homeowner contacted the realtor about selling a property in a neighborhood we really like. I don’t doubt the Realtor’s integrity/ ethics but are there things we should consider about buying a place she’s representing?

    1. Lcsa99*

      So we’ve experienced plenty of agents that insisted we not bring our own agent – they wanted to represent both us and their seller and manage everything. I know you liked her before, but as much as you like her, it would be in your best interest to get someone else to represent you in the purchase. You can’t completely trust that she will act in your best interest, even subconsciously.

    2. Reba*

      Did you sign any agreement to work with this realtor? If so, see what it says. In some states, dual agency is not even allowed due to the conflict of interest. If you do want to pursue it, you need to be sure that the agent has both you and the sellers sign new agreements laying out what she can and can’t do.
      If she takes the property and you really want to offer on it, I think it would be best to break up with her and have another agent to represent you in the transaction.

      Good luck!

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, this is a HUGE conflict of interest.
        Legally and contractually, the seller’s real estate agent must act in the best interest of the seller which is NOT in the best interest of the buyer. It’s like having a lawyer prosecute and defend the same person.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      We recently went through a difficult house move involving multiple transactions (I think seven, in the end?) and by far the worst link in the chain was where an agent was working for more than one party at once. The English system is terrible, mind you.

      There’s an obvious motivation of a realtor or estate agent to get a property sold for a good price, particularly if they’re paid a percentage rather than a flat fee, and if they only get paid on completion. In our experience, having the same person handling consecutive properties in the chain introduced a conflict of interest. Other people find that it can smooth the process because there’s no delay in passing information through (etc) and they have a vested interest in getting both commissions through.

      On the other hand, if it’s a dream property then I wouldn’t put too much weight on who the realtor is, particularly in the market you describe.

    4. Flabbernabbit*

      We did this when we were perusing homes casually with no realtor. Then we came upon a house we loved and used the seller’s agent. This had to be disclosed and a written agreement signed. That was 10 years ago. Now, this practice is no longer allowed by law where I am. The realtor can’t be impartial. In my case, we were also in a seller’s market and there were multiple bids. We were coached and won the bid. We wouldn’t have going in blind but it also meant we bid more. It was fine, but it never felt right working with someone who was also required to represent the seller’s best interest and herself. She only took one commission and seller/buyer split the cost, which was was good but still. I wouldn’t do it again.

    5. bunniferous*

      Ethical agents can handle this but even for an agent it’s difficult because there are so many ways you can get into trouble as an agent representing both sides. The problem with switching to another agent at this point is your agent already knows all your financial stuff, etc.

      If you really like this house do it as long as you trust your agent. But yes, talk it over with her first and make sure you understand what the differences are in dual agency because there are some.

      If you did not have a prior good relationship with this agent my recommendation would be way different.

      1. bunniferous*

        I forgot to mention-if you do decide you would rather use a different agent-FIND OUT if in your state your original agent would be obligated to share everything she knows about you with her client. In our state once your agent is not your buyer agent anymore, but is a listing agent for a house you want to buy they HAVE to share what they know about you with the homeowner.

        In that scenario you would be better off with dual agency.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        I think it’s not only about how ETHICAL the agent is but also how MATURE they are, in the sense that they can manage the complexity of balancing both sides’ interest.

        It can be simple when buyer and seller want the same outcome, but human beings can come up with some odd quirks at the last minute. They may decide after signing a contract that they just won’t honor something like including the washer and dryer. They can decide to not give up the house on the day of Closing. It’s happened.

        That’s when you want more than competence, you want good people skills.

    5. ErinWV*

      This seems to be a popular scenario for fiction. There was a movie on Netflix I watched a couple months ago (Agatha and the Truth of Murder) in which Christie gallivants off to a country house to play sleuth. She’s undercover, so the story of her disappearance is an unanticipated consequence.

  18. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for skin care product recommendations.

    I’m 46 and a woman; my skin can get a little oily by the end of the day, though nothing like when I was younger thankfully; I’ve given up makeup–can’t be bothered this past year; and my whole skincare routine is washing my face in the shower everyday. I’d like to start doing *something* in effort to minimize the appearance of aging on my face. I’m thinking I really should make a little effort now that I’m getting older, but just can’t be bothered to take on a complicated daily routine. (To me, “complicated” means having to use more than one product. So I’m really just looking for one good product, though I’d be willing to add something else if it would really help.)

    My mom always swore by Pond’s Cold Cream and something in the Oil of Olay line, though I can’t remember what it was. And she’s no longer alive so I can’t ask. She was 71 when she passed away and her face always looked so radiant and smooth, like she was still in her early 50s, though she had the normal lines under the eyes and some on her forehead.

    I’ve tried some products in the Beekman 1802 line, though it was only because I decided to try their beauty box subscription. I didn’t like the foaming face cream/mask. The bubbling feeling was really uncomfortable and it’s supposed to be left on for 20 minutes–I made it five minutes. I’ve tried the Dewy Eyed under-eye serum, but I don’t feel like it did anything. I admit that I don’t put much stock in the effectiveness of skincare products, but I’m willing to try a few things if people have recommendations.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Forgot to add that I still sometimes get pimples, mostly on my chin. I originally thought it was because I was resting my chin in my palm while working–I did that a lot at the office–but I’ve been WFH for a year now and really don’t do that anymore. Mostly because my standing desk isn’t quite as robust as the one in the office and I worry it will tip over, even when it’s in the down position.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Check out curology! My prescription has anti aging and acne treating active ingredients and I’m really happy with it. I’ve been using it for almost three months now and it’s definitely made a difference!

    2. Atheist Nun*

      I think the best skin care products are 1) good genetics and 2) a healthy acceptance of the aging process. Beyond that, wear sunscreen and use a good cleanser to wash off the muck that the day brings (including that sunscreen!). Trends like “double cleansing” and “10 step skin care” are only meant to sell products, which are invariably packaged in plastic.

      I think Glossier and The Ordinary offer some good quality yet budget friendly options. I like to read reviews on Beautypedia to try new products.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I agree that skin care routines don’t have to be super complicated or expensive, but daily behaviors like properly cleansing your skin and wearing sunscreen do make a huge difference if it’s something you’re willing to take on. Women (and men) who don’t do these things develop wrinkles much earlier than if they took care of their skin. (Whether or not you care about wrinkles is personal, of course, but point is it makes a bit of a difference.)

      2. Voluptuousfire*

        Definitely second The Ordinary products. I wash my face in the shower and when I get out and dry off, I dampen my face with a washcloth and use The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid + B5 serum. Let that sit for a few minutes and then use a moisturizer. Done!

        I do need to find a sunscreen. Harmon Face Values made a fantastic SPF 55 that was $4 but they discontinued it. :(

    3. WellRed*

      I’ve been using Neutrongenas Deep CleannCream cleanser for decades. It’s non foaming and doesn’t leave my fairly normal skin feeling tight. I like super lightweight cooling moisturizers (oil of Olay at night, but not the sticky pink one) and Neutrogrna with sunblock for day. A little retinol eye cream at night. And a few times a week a random mask or swipe with a peel pad (L’Oréal right now).

      1. WellRed*

        Adding; I’m 51. And I only wash face once a day now, at night to remove “the day.”

    4. Trixie*

      You might find Dr Dray on YouTube an interesting rabbit hole to explore. Dermatologist who appears to place high emphasis on research/studies vs marketing or current fad. She also recognizes tried and true favorites like Cerave, Neutrogena, etc. She’s a big proponent of sunscreens, unscented products , and the proper layering of products.

    5. peasblossom*

      My favorite skincare line hands down after years of trying more expense products is La Roche Posay. If you struggle with some redness/pimples, their toleriane line is excellent. I like their gentle cleanser, toleriane day and night lotion, and then I occasionally use their hyaluronic mask and retinol cream, but my skin leans combination/dry except in the height of summer, so you’ll want to try one’s designed for combination/oily. Their website regularly runs 20% off sales, and I think they’re very reasonably priced.

    6. It happens*

      You don’t need a lot of products- sunscreen any time you are outdoors (don’t forget the back of your hands).
      Use a gentle face face wash in the shower, if you can put it on before your shampoo and keep it on for about a minute while you clean the rest of you it can do more cleaning. A gel moisturizer might be good for the semi-oily skin, neutrogena has a good one. At night, the Ordinary retinoid ($10 for a bottle that lasts a few months- granactive retinoid 2% emulsion) followed by a creamier moisturizer for overnight. Drugstore brands work, cerave is really good.
      Simpler is better.

    7. Betty*

      One of my good friends is a dermatologist and I recently asked her about this. She said there is good evidence for retinol and hyaluronic acid reducing/preventing wrinkles and recommended Olay Regenerist, so I bought the daytime and nighttime moisturizers. She said to use only a pea sized amount and start using the big time one with retinol a couple times a week and then increase to nightly over time. I’ll also note that both of us lean toward natural products and I have particular concerns about anything that may get be an endocrine disrupters and she get the Olay line was safe for me, especially given how little you actually need to apply.

    8. CatCat*

      If I only had to pick ONE product, if would be a facial moisturizer with sunscreen. I just use one they sell at Trader Joe’s.

      This is my typical facial care routine:

      Morning:
      – Either rimse face in shower, or if I’m not showering, splash warm water on my face or pat my face with a wet, warm wash cloth. (I don’t use soap on my face.)
      – Pat dry.
      – Apply Neutrogena Hydro Boost gel and let absorb.
      – Apply SPF 15 face moisturizer (I use one from Trader Joe’s and used to use one made by Olay that I liked). I think this is the most important item for my facial skincare.

      During the day, I may reapply moisturizer as needed.

      Night:
      – Splash warm water on face and pat dry again.
      – A few times per week, I apply a retinol night cream (very small amount, a little goes a long way).

    9. Queer Earthling*

      I’ve been really into products from The Butters Hygienics Co. Not only are they really nice and affordable products, but it’s a black- and queer-owned small business. Personally I like their coffee face scrub (I use it a couple times a week) and my spouse likes their rose x witch hazel toner (same); it’s not a magical one-off product because I still wash my face daily with an unrelated moisturizer, but it’s an occasional extra that seems to make a lot of difference to me without having a ton of extra work every day.

    10. A313*

      A retinol for the nighttime, a vitamin c for the daytime, and sunscreen. You can add other things as you like, but these are the basics. The retinol I like is La Roche Posay Retinol b3; it’s gentle and effective. The vitamin C I like is Skinceuticals C E Ferulic; it’s pricey, but you don’t use much. The sunscreen I use is EltaMD; they have a few sunscreens, and I like the untinted 46 SPF.

      I also like niacinamide for acne areas like my chin and for any darker spots. I also use a moisturizer after the retinol and the vitamin c.

    11. Emma2*

      I would vote for hylauronic acid (from what I have read there is not really a difference between the cheap ones and the expensive ones – I use The Ordinary). It takes seconds – wash, smooth hylauronic serum on face, add face cream, let it absorb – I put my contacts in at this point – add sun screen, done. Hylauronic acid helps to keep your skin hydrated and protect your skin barrier. Oily skin is not necessarily hydrated skin – hydration is about water content rather than oil, and good hydration can make your skin look better long and short term (apologies if I am over explaining – thought I would share that in case useful as sometimes there is a lack of clarity between hydration and oil in a skin care context).
      Sunscreen every day – trying to fix damage is more expensive and less effective than preventing it.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t like the feel of product on my face and didn’t want a complicated routine, but I saw a noticeable difference when I started using eye cream and moisturizer with sunscreen (Cetaphil gel cream and CeraVe ultra light moisturizer). I use Neutrogena cream cleanser as my daily face wash which doesn’t keep 100% of acne away but also doesn’t irritate or dry my skin out like other kinds I’ve tried.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That’s how I feel, too: I don’t like the feeling of products on my face, especially now that I’m not wearing makeup anymore.

    13. llamaswithouthats*

      I highly recommend CeraVe products. I also second Dr Dray’s YouTube Channel if you want to learn more about skin care.

      My recommendations for preventing aging are sunscreen and cleanser. I also recommend retinol and hyaluronic acid and a night cream, but since you mentioned you don’t want anything too complicated, I would invest in the sunscreen and cleanser for now. (Also sun protection in general, like hats and sunglasses.)

      My morning skin care consists of cleanser and sunscreen, and my night routine consists of cleanser, retinol, and night cream. I also do the occasional exfoliation and face mask, but it’s not super necessary and it’s just be being extra. (I actually enjoy applying skin care. I stopped wearing makeup two years ago but I like my skincare routine.)

    14. Hotdog not dog*

      According to my late grandmother, who was always mistaken for much younger than her actual age, remove makeup with Ponds, then wash your face with Ivory bar soap, use witch hazel for toning, then Oil of Olay at night. In the morning, splash cool water on your face, witch hazel again, and moisturizer with sunscreen. Except for the Oil of Olay, (I use the same moisturizer with sunscreen both times) I’ve followed the same routine for years and have to depend on my gray hair to give away my real age (fiftysomething).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Wow, your grandmother’s routine sounds extremely similar to my mom’s. I remember her telling me she used Pond’s to take off the makeup, Ivory to wash (I think in later years she switched to something else), and then finished with Oil of Olay at night. Guess that’s why her skin looked so good! She used witch hazel, but it wasn’t part of the routine. I don’t remember at this point what she used it for.

    15. OyHiOh*

      I’m a few years younger than you and my skincare is pretty much your mom’s routine.

      I run a washcloth over my face in the shower (no soap). Neutrogene SPF/moisurizer after shower. Pond’s cold cream at night to “take off the day” and moisturize before bed. Whatever will be, will be. My mom and her sisters have pretty good skin at this point, we’re a non smoking extended family, otherwise seem to have pretty good hair/skin genes.

    16. Anonosaurus*

      I like The Ordinary, although I like faffing about with three different serums at night and you obviously don’t ;)

      otherwise, Pixi is my go to brand; the Glow Tonic and retinol moisturizer are really good, and also vegan and not tested on animals.

      But I’m 48 and until about a year ago I was a “wash face in shower and occasionally bung on some oil of olay” person, and I think I look ok. The one thing I have done consistently is wear sunscreen. If you do nothing else, do that.

    17. AVP*

      I think almost all skincare products are really, really hit or miss unless they’re directly recommended to you by a pro who is looking at your skin and isn’t paid to represent any specific brand. If you’re really interested and have it available, make an appointment for a short facial at a spa that isn’t aligned with a brand and have that person tell you what to try. I’ve also had good luck with a dermatologist reccing products.

      (on the East Coast, Heyday is amazing for this when they’re allowed to reopen)

    18. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Physician (though not a derm). Order of importance for skincare is:

      1. SPF30 or more every day on exposed skin – I just use a physical sunscreen (Whole Foods brand sport spf30) in place of a moisturizer but personal preference there
      2. Retinol at night – formerly prescription Differin is not OTC but there are a lot of choices, start slow like every other day
      3. (Getting more optional) Vitamin C in the morning before sunscreen – I like Timeless because it’s a lot cheaper than Skinceuticals

      That’s it. Niacinamide can be good for acne. Hyaluronic acid will draw water into your skin for a temporary plumping effect that makes you look younger – but it’s only temporary (like maybe before a party or a date, not everyday). The Ordinary sells cheap versions of both – but they are extra fluff, the above 3 things are all you need for a routine. And if you combine sunscreen with your moisturizer, that’s 3 total products.

    19. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Nivea Essentially Enriched 48-hour Nourishing Moisturizer. My Mom swore by Nivea and had better skin in her 90s than most women in their 60s and 70s. I took her supply after she passed and my skin is much nicer than it used to be.

    20. More Pizza*

      Makeup and skincare have gotten better over the years in my opinion. Formulas can be pretty lightweight/weightless. I just tried 100% Pure’s 2nd Skin Foundation and didn’t feel like I had anything on but it provided light coverage and evened everything out in a subtle, natural way. It is a liquid that sets like a powder. But you said you are more interested in skincare. You didn’t really say what your goal was so it’s hard to make any specific recommendations.

      I’m not a fan of retinol because it can irritate, cause dryness, and increase your sensitivity to sun. Reservatrol is a milder form of retinoid I believe that you could look into if that is something you’re interested in.

      Without knowing much about your goals, and having heard that our delicate skin around the eyes is more prone to dryness as we age, I’d say a good nighttime eye cream can feel luxurious and is what I’d recommend to you as the one product you use based on what you shared. I like Biossance’s sunscreen and moisturizer (the cream not the gel) – haven’t tried their other products but I would try their eye cream.

      In my experience, there is a lot of, shall we say, noise in beauty generally and in skincare specifically. There are effective ingredients out there that work, but the hype and marketing make it hard to find effective products. My opinion is that you need to have a good understanding of what you are looking to reasonably achieve, and then seek to understand what options you have in terms of active ingredients and formulations that will help you reach your goal. I’ve made progress through slowly researching things and trial and error.

      It’s also important to note that regulation in beauty has been pretty dismal in the U.S. You can look up specific products and ingredients on ewg.org/skindeep to learn more about what they are used for, what is known about them in terms of safety, and how EWG rates them overall. Both 100% Pure and Biossance have incredible ingredient lists compared to the rest of the industry.

      To address another comment, I’ve tried the double cleanse and I’m not opposed and it doesn’t have to involve more plastic. I have coconut oil that is packaged in a glass container with a metal lid that I’ve used to remove makeup – the first cleanse – and then I use my regular face soap to remove the coconut oil. I like coconut oil for removing makeup, at least occasionally, but I need that second soap cleanse to get rid of the oil. I don’t use the oil if I don’t wear makeup.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m not too sure what my goal is, to be honest. I guess it would be just to take better care of my skin so it’s healthier, which might help it age more gracefully. I realize that’s a pretty high-level, generic goal, though. It would nice to maybe make it a bit softer and have more of a natural glow. Some days I feel like I look really washed out and a little blotchy, and then others it seems to look just fine.

        1. More Pizza*

          I think that is a great goal, that’s pretty much my goal, too. I have noticed my skin has become more glowy, and I think that’s because a lot of companies make face wash “brightening.” It’s not something I actively sought out, but it’s everywhere. Something like vitamin C that works to even out skintone is what I hypothesize has resulted in the glowiness in my case, with other ingredients included in formulas for brightening contributing. That’s just my guess for my case. Skinceuticals C E Ferulic has good reviews but I haven’t tried it. Another thing that helps me with glowiness is hydration. If I want a really dewy look, I use marula as a face oil. My skin is dry though. If yours leans towards oily, it might be different for you. As far as softness goes, maybe a gentle exfoliator? There are both physical and chemical exfoliators. The best physical one I’ve used is from Lancer. Glycolic acid is used as a chemical exfoliant but it makes you sensitive to the sun. Lactic acid is supposed to be a milder alternative that doesn’t have the sun sensitivity associated with it.

    21. I take tea*

      I really dislike face creams, because I can feel it on my skin and even the unscented ones have a distracting smell. I switched to jojoba oil some years ago and I’ve had far less problems since with both pimples and red, dry cheeks. I use it after i shower, and wash my face with cool water in the evening. That’s it. I should be a bit better on the sun screen, though, I mainly use it in summer, because we don’t get much sun in the winter.

    22. RagingADHD*

      I use the store-brand version of Olay for sensitive skin, with SPF. It’s great for daytime, not greasy.

      I use a gentle non-foaming wash and a night cream from Aldi.

      I use Ponds sensitive cold cream if I wear eye makeup. (Not on the rest of my face, it’s too heavy)

      I used to develop contact irritation from any products I used for more than a few months, and had to switch constantly. I’ve been using this combo for several years now, and am very happy with how my skin looks & feels.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        If you aren’t already, look out for the ingredient “Fragrance (Parfum)” in the ingredients list. It can be a huge irritant. I go for products/brands that are fragrance-free for this reason.

    23. The Other Dawn*

      Thank you, everyone, for your recommendations! I have lots of things here to research and try. :)

  19. PX*

    If you had a noise issue with your neighbours, whats the verdict on speaking to them directly vs letting landlords handle it? Especially if you’ve tried speaking directly once before and not had a great reaction?

    Context: I live in a house that has been split into 2 flats that are both rented out, I’m on the ground floor. New tenants moved in upstairs about 2 years ago and they are just super loud. I’m fine with the general noises of life (of which there are many because he is a stomper), but my biggest issue is they clearly have a sound system on their floor – so whenever they play music, the bass and reverberations just come through the ceiling – and it is so annoying.

    When they first moved in, I spoke to them about the noise (it was much worse) and while they have toned it down slightly, its still a lot (at least a few times a week, at all times of day/night).

    I know the sensible thing would just be to go talk to them again, but the reaction when I first spoke to them was that the guy denied being loud at all…which is kind of hilarious because I can literally hear him yawn – thats how thin the walls are. So I feel like talking to him again is unlikely to have any effect.

    I have a great landlord who has always said if there are any issues, I can let them know – and they would talk to the owners of the flat above. In my head, this feels like I’m escalating the issue massively, but honestly – I’m just really tired of having to listen to their terrible music every day/evening for the last few weeks. I try to be generous, I can sleep through a lot so when they play music at night, I dont even mind that much. But right now I’m just trying to enjoy a Saturday morning and the thudding bass is absolutely killing me :/

    1. nep*

      Just sorry you have to go through this. I love / need quiet, and I know how unsettling it is to be robbed of that.
      Hope you’ll get resolution.

    2. Green great dragon*

      Could you ask them specifically to lift the speakers off the floor? Seems less confrontational than a general ‘please be quieter’?

      1. WellRed*

        We’ve literally asked upstairs neighbors to move fans off the floor because the noise and vibration is unbearable.

      2. pancakes*

        Practical, too – it could really help if they’re presently on the floor. Rugs on the floor, too, if they don’t have any. The landlord can be useful requiring these things if the lease calls for them, which it might. Does yours say anything about sound? Even if it doesn’t, it could help to have the landlord on your side in requesting both.

      3. PX*

        Yup, this is basically what I want! I think because the first interaction with him basically had him denying making any noise even when that was clearly the case just makes me super wary of interacting with him again. Might try going round when he’s out and just his girlfriend is in actually…

    3. Caterpie*

      I’m so sorry. I understand how unbearable that situation can be. Just to be safe, I’d start keeping a log of the times where the noise is unreasonable (with recordings if possible) and the dates of when you talked to the neighbor.

      It might be nice to give one more courtesy notice to the neighbor about the music specifically, and then go to the landlord with the log if your conversation doesn’t fix it.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        If it’s loud music you can actually video your place w/the sound. And show the owner all the videos w/ stomping or music. Have several. Maybe get a voice-activated audio thingie that can record even if you’re not there.

        A Zoom call to the owner might help, while the music is loud.

    4. Natalie*

      the reaction when I first spoke to them was that the guy denied being loud at all…which is kind of hilarious because I can literally hear him yawn – thats how thin the walls are. So I feel like talking to him again is unlikely to have any effect.

      I guess I wouldn’t really call this a bad reaction, at least with what you’ve described here? If the walls are really that thin, it sounds like he might really think they aren’t that loud, but isn’t quite processing how much you can hear. If they do tend to listen to music or generally have more noise going, they probably can’t hear those little things from your apartment. And with only 2 units, they’ll obviously know you complained to the landlord, so any bad feelings they’re going to have aren’t going to be avoided.

      I had a neighbor with similar music habits and it definitely was annoying. If you approach them again, it would probably help to be specific and focus on the music, whether that’s specific suggestions for moving their speakers or coming up with a compromise about times when they don’t play it.

      1. fposte*

        I agree. If you can hear him yawn, the problem isn’t that he’s loud, it’s that the building is poorly soundproofed. That’s not at all uncommon, in my experience, with converted houses.

        So the approach isn’t “You’re doing something wrong,” because he’s not. It’s “sound travels like crazy in this old house. Can we find ways to minimize that?” And be aware that stuff may go the other way too, especially smells (in one such building I could tell everything my downstairs neighbor cooked and every time they lit a cigarette) and maybe even bring that up proactively as evidence of your willingness to work together.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Agreed. This kind of disproves your point rather than proves it – if you can hear him yawn, then that’s not him being loud, that’s your building sucking. Yawning is generally reasonably quiet.

        To some degree I think you may be out of options here.

        1. Natalie*

          That and, after talking to them they did tone it down. Deciding talking to them will have no effect doesn’t really follow, unless them quieting down wasn’t the effect you were looking for.

          1. Dan*

            I’m going to “plus one” all of this. It’s not reasonable to expect the neighbor to take the tone of, “I’m so sorry my existence in this building annoys you.”

            OP talks about the *walls* being thin, but if the issue is just the sub woofer making the thumping, and it’s on the *floor* above them, then there is one more thing to try… I put a bass dampener (got it on Amazon) underneath my sub. I also turned the sub down a bit lower.

            In general, COVID means that *everybody* is home more often, and making more noise. Realistically, there’s limits to how quiet one can make (and expect) a place to be.

          2. PX*

            You make a good point about being clear. From the previous conversation, volume levels probably went from 10/10 to maybe 8/10 now. I guess I should probably think of what the ideal level would be.

        2. Pond*

          “Yawning is generally reasonably quiet.”
          This is true. I tend to yawn silently. But there are a few people I know who somehow yawn very loudly.

      3. PX*

        Just commenting on this thread because it seems to have generated some discussion, but when I had the first talk with him, I did say the exact words “The walls are very thin, and I can really hear everything you do” (also because they were having a lot of very loud sex). But I guess my hesitance is that when I said “You were playing music really loudly last night at 2am, could you please not do that?” and he very defensively went “No! I wasnt playing music at all” – that doesnt really make me feel like they are going to be reasonable about it? But I should give them the benefit of the doubt…

        There is a huge difference between when they have (what I assume) is a subwoofer on the floor going vs not, so at least for me the obvious suggestion is probably either to lift it off the floor or have some kind of sound damping material underneath – so will try and suggest that and see what goes.

        1. Dan*

          I mentioned up thread that there are dampeners that one can put under a sub. I bought one off of Amazon, IIRC, it wasn’t that expensive. TBH, maybe you can just buy him one and see if it helps.

          Although, there are a couple of things I’m picking up that may (or may not) help your dialogue with the neighbor:

          1. Is this guy above you? And if so, is it the *floor* that is thin? Because talking about the *walls* being thin could be confusing. For context, I live in a garden style apartment. On my floor, my wall adjoins the storage unit. If my upstairs neighbor came to me and said “hey, the walls here are very thin, I can hear everything you do”, I’d say, “so why don’t you talk to the guy on the other side of your wall then? I’m below you.”

          2. How quickly did you end the conversation after he said he wasn’t playing music when you thought he was? I play video games (and music) and they’re not the same thing. If someone says to me, “you were playing music last night really loudly.” Well… my first reaction might be, “nope, wasn’t playing music last night.”

          All in all, it seems like your place is one where sound travels very, very easily. COVID being COVID, we’re all cooped up and collectively are making more noise. There’s only so much one can reasonably do to keep noise levels down. I still go back to how you can literally hear the guy yawn, and my reaction is, “if the floors are that thin, I don’t see a way of making this work.”

          1. PX*

            1. Yeah, I realised after I read the thread that the term walls probably wasnt right. Its the floor (they live above), the neighbours to the side are fine, I know them better and have never had any noise issues with them.

            2. Eh, I think I reiterated my point that noise travels very easily and that as I was below them, I could hear everything and would really appreciate if they would be mindful of volume and try to keep it down. The layout of where I live is very simple, so definitely no confusion about where the noise was coming from. And this was definitely music, not video games. (They play video games now as well, I can tell the difference!)

            To be honest, its more frustrating because the couple before them were very quiet and I hardly ever heard them! So for me its not just that the house has bad insulation which I cant do anything about. As soon as he leaves the house, there is basically no noise (even though the girlfriend is still there). Like I said, I’m generally okay with life noises (walking, talking, yawning), but the thudding bass. Argh. It probably also doesnt help that I guess he also makes music in his spare time, so I get to listen to snippets and samples of the same thing for days on end…

            1. Dan*

              You probably don’t have a lot of great options. You *can* look into your local noise ordinances and see what the city/county might enforce. You can also look at the terms of your lease and see what it says about noise generation. In any sort of apartment complex the lease will generally say something about making noise that disturbs your neighbors. The tricky part is, if your upstairs neighbor intentionally moved into a place without that written in the lease, he’s got a reasonable expectation that he doesn’t have to put a lid on things just because you’re bothered by them. Doubly so if he’s making money off of his music… it’s going to be really hard to convince him to stop doing something that makes him money.

              I get it on all sides of the coin, I really do. Sometimes you luck out in the neighbor lottery, and sometimes you don’t.

              The irony with all of this is that you mentioned this isn’t much of an issue during the night when you are trying to sleep. If it’s only happening during the day, odds are, the police can’t/won’t do anything.

            2. Natalie*

              That does sound really annoying, especially after your last neighbor was so quiet. Sometimes video games will get on my nerves for the same reason, the same little bit of noise over and over.

              I think focusing on maybe 1-3 solvable problems will be your best bet. Like, can he wear headphones when he’s working his music, lift the speakers off the floor, and not play music after some agreed on hour? I think talking to him or both of them directly will still get you better results than the landlord, just because it’s going to seem kind of P/A to go directly to the landlord.

    5. Esmeralda*

      If you haven’t said anything in about two years, they have no reason to think it is bothering you.

      Speak to them first.

  20. nep*

    I sit too much. And my body doesn’t do well with that.
    Glad the nicer weather is here for the occasional stroll outside.
    When I remember, I’ll get up and do some stretching and light glute exercises.
    What do you do to make sure you’re moving around enough, when work or other activities have you sitting a lot of the time?

    1. Web Crawler*

      At work, I listen to the free version of spotify and take a quick water/stretch break every time it plays ads.

      Also, if I drink enough water, I’ve noticed that I get up frequently on my own.

    2. Lilly*

      Yup on the getting up every hour to grab a glass of water. That solves two problems at once. Since working from home I’ll get up to do some dishes or meal prep work once or twice a day. My physio recommends breaking up the sitting by working standing up if you have the desk set up. A walk during lunch is great, as you get some sunlight.

    3. Liz*

      I walk around the house during phone calls. I have mild phone anxiety and it’s actually an automatic stress response, but when i take a call i will generally pace up and down the room for the duration of the conversation. I think i once clocked 12000 steps in the duration of one 2 hour plus phone call.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      I have a Desk Cycle that I use while sitting. When on calls where I don’t need to view or present a screenshare, I pace.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      There are a lot of zoom groups who exercise or dance at different times of the day. I made a calendar of the times and when I want to exercise, I check out the calendar to see what’s going on.

      It’s more fun to do an activity when I know that others are doing it at the same time. Pre-recorded videos don’t work for me. Sometimes I don’t feel like exercising so I sign in anyway and run it in the background while I do something else. I usually end up getting interested and join in the activity and enjoy it.

    7. Mimmy*

      Sometimes when my husband has music on, I’ll dance to it.
      When watching TV, I sometimes kick my legs.
      I’m always on the computer so I try to remember to get up at a breaking point of whatever I’m working on to do something else just to not be sitting in one spot allllll day.
      If it’s nice out, I may ask my husband if we could go on a walk (I don’t like going alone).

  21. Purplerug*

    Folks in your late 30s/early 40s dating – how do you handle the ‘why are you single?’ question (in the various forms potential partners ask it)? At my age where I live it’s expected that if you’re single you have a divorce behind you and if you don’t there’s this presumption there must be something wrong with you or you’re not marriage material…because surely if you were perfect and/or marriage material someone would have snapped you up by now – even if it ends in divorce. I’ve tried diplomatic explanations which are some variation of the truth – in my case the actual truth is I dated a guy for years I thought I would marry (who on reflection I was very mismatched with) and he treated me badly which culminated in him leaving me for someone else when my parents were terminally ill (the subsequent grief of all those life events together meant I stayed away from dating for a long time). Now, I package parts of this into a story where maybe I dated a guy and it just didn’t work out, we dated and decided we’d be better as friends, we dated and realised we wanted different things long term..love and light etc., I’ve had a few serious relationships that haven’t worked out…but no matter how I package it potential new partners see it as some kind of red flag or signal that I’m not prime rib so to speak. For context these guys usually have an ex-wife and/or a child or two, and I don’t pick apart why their marriages broke down etc. because I realise that everyone’s lives are different and sometimes things just don’t work out.

    So, for the singletons north of 35, how do you field this question from suitors? I’m getting a little weary from it!

    1. nep*

      Never found the right person at the right time. (I don’t think you owe dates any more detail than you want to give in the moment.)

      1. Purplerug*

        I do try this one and find they probe further and further about ‘well who were you dating then’ with an implication I must be fussy or have unreachable standards.

          1. Joan Rivers*

            It’s a compliment, actually, that they wonder why you’re available. Have a reply ready and then say, “And you?” Then you can segue into talking about interests and hobbies that make you both individuals.

        2. PingPongPenguin*

          Haha well…I am fussy. Someone who pushes my boundaries to tell them more than I’m comfortable with, is someone who does not get another date with me. If that’s “fussy” — yep, sure am.

          Detailed autopsies of past relationships aren’t particularly useful in the early stages of getting to know someone, and now that I’m older, I don’t think they have a lot of utility, really, ever. People are individuals and our interpersonal dynamics are individual, too. We all have to work through our own personal issues, and I’m more interested in the self-awareness the other person demonstrates, and whether they seek to accumulate wisdom on their journey, than “why they are single.”

          In your case, since it seems no answer you give is sufficient for these folks, perhaps it’s time to consider whether the premise of the question is flawed, and not your answer.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        This, or a version of this How I Met Your Mother exchange:

        Robin Scherbatsky : Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.

        Ted Mosby : What’s that?

        Robin Scherbatsky : Timing. But timing’s a b!tch.

    2. pancakes*

      The mindset you describe seems dour, hidebound, and unrealistic – for me it would be more of a cue to filter someone out of the field of prospective suitors rather than an opportunity to win them over.

      1. Purplerug*

        I agree wholeheartedly but unfortunately the vast majority of first dates I’ve been on end up with this line of questioning…and I’d like to not be single forever so I keep trying.

        2. Natalie*

          It does sound aggravating, but I don’t know if there’s an answer people can give you that’s going to change this somehow? Provided you’re telling some version of the truth in a more or less even keeled manner, I don’t think there’s a magic combination of words that will change the reaction you’re getting.

          For whatever reason, there is something about the pool that you’re fishing from that makes this a very important question. You can’t change that. You get to chose from changing your own mind about how you evaluate these particular fish, continue to reject them and accept that means you’ll be fishing for a longer time, or change pools somehow.

          1. Dan*

            Yeah, there’s something up with pool. I’m 40, divorced, no kids, and that’s about as much as I’m going to try and suss out of someone on a first date (or within the first three months), and that’s about as much as they’re going to get out of me about relationship history in that same time period. At my age, the only thing that deserves a pressing answer is the “kids” question.

            I’m almost wondering if OP’s pool is concerned with finding a surrogate mother for the kids or something along those lines.

        3. WoodswomanWrites*

          As someone who did online dating in the past, I personally found it annoying when someone on a first date asked me why I was single, like our meeting each other was a job interview. That’s a reasonable question after you’ve been seeing each other more than once but at least in my context, this person was a stranger and that didn’t feel like an appropriate question.

          I don’t know how you’re meeting your dates, but if it’s online, I used to say by email before we met that I saw online dating as just a way to meet someone comparable to any other social setting, and overtly said I didn’t approach it as an audition. That avoided those awkward conversations and I generally didn’t want to see people again whom I considered prying.

          That said, whatever your dating context is, I think it’s fine to say you were in a long-term relationship that didn’t work out. I think that’s an honest, acceptable response. If someone on a first date pushes further, I add that we grew apart. I hope that’s helpful.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I so agree.

        A person who is sincerely interested would drop the topic. They would figure you have the right to keep your pain and heartbreak to yourself if you chose. It’s called respect.

        The people you are talking about do not have basic respect in place. I would not waste my time if I were you.

        1. Dan*

          I’m with you and pancakes. As someone without kids (but divorced), there’s no way that question is going to lead to a pleasant answer. So why ask it before it’s necessary? It’s fair to ascertain if someone is willing/capable of settling down, but there are better questions to ask, and it need not be an involved conversation.

          1. Liz*

            Agreed! People change and grow through their adult life, and I imagine it would be a bit of crapshoot trying to gauge the relationship potential of somebody approaching 40 by asking them why the relationship they were in ten years ago broke down. They might be a different person now. I know I certainly am!

            1. Jackalope*

              In fact, it might be *because* of that relationship that they’re a different person. I know I’ve had times in relationships where I decided, “Once was a life experience, twice is a mistake, and this is not a mistake I want to make.” (That includes both break-ups and friendships that are still going on – we fixed the issue, learned from it, and moved on to do better.) It’s certainly possible to get stuck in a bad pattern, but also possible to grow and do better next time.

      3. Ali G*

        Totally. I met my husband when I was 32 (he was 36), and we maybe were curious if either had been married (no), but beyond that it doesn’t matter. In fact they should be happy you are single so they can date you!
        My answer was though – I’ve never met someone that I thought I could be with for the rest of my life. It was true, because if I had, I wouldn’t be on this date with you, jerk. :)

    3. twocents*

      I turn 32 this year so I’m a bit under the age range you asked for, but I’ve literally never had a date ask me that. After all, they’re single too.

      I’ve had tons and tons and tons of other people ask me (including my gyno, which was probably my least favorite conversation either). Tbh, I’ve not found a great response. Sometimes I say that I have an awesome life and hunting around online just to add someone else to it is draining and sucks. My parents are aware that the last seven or so dates have all peaced out once they realized I made more money than them. I’ve told some guy friends that and got a spectrum of responses of “totally get why he’d leave over this” to “I’d think it’s awesome if I found a girl who out-earned me” the latter coming from my aerospace engineer friend so he comfortably makes quite a lot on his own anyway.

      1. Flabbernabbit*

        I’m 20 years older than you are, and I find it distressing that men in your age group would still find it intimidating to date a woman who out earned them. They probably don’t correlate that with pay equity in the workplace.

    4. Workerbee*

      If you were ‘t already weary from this and your focus is, understandably, elsewhere, I’d be tempted to suggest firing back similarly assuming questions at these “Prime Rib” guys: “Why did your wife leave you?” “What have you worked on about yourself since then?” “Are you really just looking for someone to take care of your kids for you and keep your house clean and your gut fed?”

      1. Workerbee*

        Ooh, and double down with the “Clearly so many people made mistakes with their first (or second) marriages since the divorce rate is so high around here! Take yourself, for example.”

        —but I’m feeling salty on your behalf.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          Some people meet a total stranger on the basis of how they look and have no idea who the person is. I have to find that balance of how much I know; can’t imagine meeting someone w/o knowing enough to be sure it’s worth the bother.
          But I’ve corresponded by email w/guys I’ve met commenting about politics, and life, and we’ve spent 3-4 years getting to know each other. Three of them I’d love to meet if I were in their city. But they’re just internet friends.

          I know they’re smart, witty, good values, similar politics, and I’ve seen how they interact w/others at the comment site too, they’re cool. We’ve talked about our lives in email way more than some couples do. It amazes me when political junkies say their partner isn’t into it.

          1. Workerbee*

            Sure! What the OP seems to be dealing with is not just a mild sussing out of a balance or not. She seems to be more on the discarded-with-scorn side of the dating experience. That is what I was reacting to.

    5. fposte*

      As a never-married who’s done dating over thirty, some well over thirty, I don’t necessarily see the question as horrible—it’s coming from someone with a vested interest in the answer, and who may very well be wanting to tell his story. I’d read it not as “What happened, you freak?” but as “How did you find yourself on this road? Where do you see it taking you?” It sounds enough like a crappy Thanksgiving dinner family question that I understand the bristling, but even though it’s not artfully phrased it could lead into some valuable conversations.

      1. Flabbernabbit*

        This really resonates. The “why are you single” assumes that it is universally undesirable to be so. I’m no longer mid thirties and dating but I answered this as “Oh my goodness, why wouldn’t I be?” I’d say I had one or two lovely relationships and a couple of others that weren’t. Then I’d give them an illustrative anecdote, like getting a new apartment and blowing my furniture budget on a snowboard. Married the guy who found that charming. There weren’t many. Lol.

        1. fposte*

          I love this—it’s exactly what I’m getting at, in the reasons tell a prospective partner important things. I think it’s fine to answer that that’s a later-in-the-relationship question if that’s how you view it, since you’re not obligated to answer anything just because somebody asked, but this is the one situation where the question is genuinely germane and acceptable.

      2. Dan*

        I get both sides of this. At least having a divorce in my back pocket, I can avoid the perception that I’m a 40-year old man child afraid of commitment and responsibility.

        But if someone wants to get into why I got divorced… there’s a time and place for everything, and the time and place for that is *months* into the future, after we’ve decided there’s some level of 1) Compatibility, and along with that, 2) trust. Some people here (including you) are aware of parts of that history, and it’s oh-so-not first date (or first month) fodder.

        So I can get someone wanting to ascertain that I’m not an overgrown man child who wants a woman to take care of his cooking and cleaning, an abusive jerk, a raging alcoholic, outdated attitudes about women’s role in society, or some other thing that makes me a long-term no-go. But the particulars of my marriage and divorce? Nope, not any time soon.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, and honestly, if the prospective date was coming here and asking for advice on how to ask the question, I’d strongly suggest a different way. But I think it’s reasonable to separate this as a dating question from an annoying aunt question, and answer the question you think should have been asked. (I *love* answering what you think should have been asked instead of what was asked in social situations.)

          I also think us never-marrieds can seem more enigmatic (which, frankly, I rather enjoy). Am I listed as single because I was in a LTR and felt it was bogus to put down “married”? Because I’m a commitmentphobe who loves dating, or because I hate dating so much I didn’t have much other opportunity? Ultimately I think the question for all of us is “what does your romantic history mean for me?” And I agree that getting into rip-your-heart-out details is so not first date appropriate, but that’s also a litmus in its own right–somebody who wants to use the first date to vent to me about the horrors of their last relationship isn’t for me. But somebody who can negotiate layers of intimacy by saying “Yes, I’ve been divorced for a few years now; it was a good decision. No kids. What about you?” and saving the details for deeper knowledge is much more my wavelength.

          1. Liz*

            Oooh, enigmatic! I like that! I don’t think of myself as very enigmatic – my last relationship was a 2 year car crash, and then I’ve spent 8 years being so busy rebuilding myself and trying to become a vaguely functional adult that I just had no interest in anyone. I’d like to think I’m now far more capable of having a mature relationship now, but I’m already hugely out of practice and interacting with the one guy I have a crush on is utterly terrifying. If I ever get as far as asking him out, I might have to plan how on earth to explain my horrendous history in a way that doesn’t send him running for the hills, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I get that far.

            1. fposte*

              In a situation like that I’m always a fan of the layers, where you get a deeper level of information the more intimate you get, but then that’s also my personality and something people I date are going to work well with. There’s a difference between saying “it’s reasonable for people you date to want to know what your past means about your romantic approach” and “people you date will need to judge your entire romantic history before starting anything with you.”

            2. Dan*

              Honestly, if you don’t want to scare him off, a simple “I’m picky about who I date” (with the implied, “and I just picked you”) is sufficient.

              The funny thing is, at this point in life, people who seem to always have a new significant other (or are on multiple divorces) are more of a turnoff than people who can go awhile without being “attached.” Because in those cases, now I have a couple more questions: 1) What is your sense of self independent of your partner? 2) *Why* do you cycle through so many partners, at least to the extent that it informs me of how you handle conflict and the choices you make when you don’t get your way?

              I hear you on the train wreck. Mine was a little longer than 2 years (but not by much) and *almost* as far back in the rear view mirror as yours. And you know what? Some of that probably made a permanent impression.

              One reality I’m going to have to tread carefully with: I really, really enjoy living by myself. I don’t know what it will take to give that up again.

          2. Dan*

            One thing with the early on “tales of relationship woe”… I think for me, especially when one had no kids, is that it signals that the “baggage” is still front of mind. My question in those cases is, “have you really moved on? I want to date the present you, not the you stuck in the past. Are you emotionally available to be a reciprocating partner?”

            If one does have minor children, an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality toward the ex is probably an unreasonable bar. So figuring out what kind of relationship one has with said ex and how they deal with it is important. Are they going to come back from the kid exchange all distraught and is the rest of the evening going to be ruined every time that happens.

        2. Might Be Spam*

          I’m fine with not knowing right away about a previous marriage and divorce. I’ve grown since my divorce and I hope that would be true of the person I’m dating.
          What really turns me off is asking if I like to cook and other housekeeping interview questions. I’m old enough to worry that the other person is looking for a housekeeper and future caregiver.

    6. Courageous cat*

      It’s interesting because I’m kinda, at 34, someone who asks those questions (or did when I was dating this past year). I mean, it isn’t a red flag per se, but it’s certainly something to note when a 40-year-old man has “had a few serious relationships that haven’t worked out” but that’s it. I’d wonder if he was bad at committing or if he was a manchild and no woman could deal with it. Divorce at least indicates that they are willing to commit, and someone was willing to commit to them, but it simply didn’t work out. It’s not about being prime rib, but about using the limited clues you have about essentially a stranger to decide how to approach the situation going forward.

      That said, you owe no one an explanation. I’d just say something like “haven’t met the right person yet”. But I wouldn’t think of it as a subtext of people telling you you’re not worthy or “prime rib”, but rather just trying to collect the whole picture with limited info.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I feel I should clarify: in addition to wondering if he was bad at committing/childish, I would also simply wonder if things hadn’t worked out with his last few relationships – I wouldn’t assume all bad things – BUT it would put me on the track for asking more about it later to kind of figure out what I was working with.

      2. Liz*

        This is a really helpful perspective. Maybe this varies by region and culture, but everybody I know who is in a committed relationship met their partner in their mid to late thirties or older. Being terrible at commitment, making terrible choices, or getting screwed over because you were young and naive are just sort of par for the course for the average 20 something in my world. I think I would probably expect a potential serious partner to show some indication of having learned from their mistakes and grown as a person, but I think I’d be surprised to find someone who WASN’T bad at relationships in their 20s, as it’s all part of being young and stupid. I’d view the “just didn’t work out” answer as being just bland and expected. No drama, just life happening. What sort of thing would you look to hear as a reassuring answer? And what would be a red flag?

      3. Jackalope*

        Obviously, use the dating techniques that are best for you at picking a partner, and I wouldn’t tell you to stop that. Having said that, though, I would say that this particular question is not the best way to get the information you’re looking for. It puts people on the defensive – everyone I’ve talked with who’s been asked that question takes it as a polite way to ask, “What’s wrong with you?” And if there IS something wrong with the person you’re on a date with that makes him a bad partner, there’s no way he’s going to admit that; who’s going to say, “Well, none of the women I dated in the past would put up with me being a manchild, but I’m hoping you’re different from them”? I’d recommend finding different ways to figure out the information you’re looking for, since I don’t think it’s an effective question and it’s off-putting to the person you’re asking.

        1. Courageous cat*

          I definitely don’t mean to imply that I ask it early on or ask it with that level of brusqueness, for sure. But I do try to gently pry as to their past relationships and how they got where they are now. So I agree.

    7. Liz*

      As a mid-30s single person, I would be kind of shocked to hear this question early on. Maybe my reaction is coloured by my experience, but I’d consider this to be WAY into intimate, later-date territory when somebody is potentially open to the emotional pandora’s box it might unleash. I’m single because I was abused by previous partners and it’s taken a very long time to begin to heal the damage and even consider dating again. I’m more than prepared to go into it, but not at the “so what kind of music are you into?” stage of the relationship. I think if I was asked too early on, I’d gently deflect with “that’s a conversation for when we know one another better” and treat their response as valuable insight into their attitude towards boundaries.

      That said, I’ve also known people who seem to think it’s ok to ask me “so how come you never got married?” when we are barely aquaintences in the workplace. And then treat my bland avoidance as in invitation to casually guess at my circumstances. So maybe I shouldn’t be so shocked!

    8. Not A Manager*

      I would say something like, “I was in a very long-term relationship. When we broke up, it was much like a divorce in many ways.” If they push for more details, I would say, “As we get to know each other I’m happy to talk about this more, but right now I want to enjoy this evening with you. Tell me about [yourself].” Fill in the blank with a good prompt. People love to talk about themselves.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        If you DO start to date, one key question is, “How does he feel about his mother?” If you can get at that deftly you’ll have a big clue about his feelings toward women.

        1. Anon for this*

          Do you really think that’s universally true? My partner has a difficult relationship with his mother, she’s controlling, intrusive and often cruel without even realising it. (For similar reasons, so do I!). He definitely respects women and treats them as equals in general, I don’t think you can generalise from one family relationship, which may be difficult, to an entire gender….

        2. Liz V*

          On the other hand: many people were raised by objectively terrible mothers — abusers, neglectors, narcissists. A person’s feelings about their mother isn’t necessarily an indication of how they feel about other women. (Substitute “fathers” and “men” to make the situation more universal to terrible parents in general.) The child of a bad parent may have done tremendous inner work repairing that damage, and may be an absolutely stellar partner as a result of doing that hard inner work.

    9. Yellow Warbler*

      You mention an involved process with your parents. In your situation, I would say that being a family caregiver took all my time and didn’t allow for casual dating to become serious.

    10. Filosofickle*

      I’m sorry you’re running into that. People can get really hung up on it — fear of commitment, “too independent”, and unrealistically high expectations seem to be the most common interpretations. It is wearying to be assumed to be broken just because life events happened that way or you had enough independence not stay in a situation that wasn’t good for you. It’s gross.

      My stock bland response has always been “it wasn’t a priority for me” which is a pretty good vague response but was also completely true! Most men accepted that fairly well over the years. A few wanted to dig, but that was more about their fears than me. The story I had to package carefully was that I was coming off a very long hiatus from dating. 13 years long. I actually had to strategize a a fake number of years to cite if i couldn’t sidestep the question. I am usually an open book, but it was such a distraction and it was far too personal and deep early on! Most people can’t even fathom it, and it triggered all sorts of alarm bells and prying.

      I am now four years in with my partner. We were 43 when we met. And we both had spotty histories but that put us on the same page — we weren’t ready before but we are now. I was a different person at 43 than 3o. We evolve. And sometimes we don’t need to evolve, we just aren’t in the right place at the right time yet.

      1. MEH*

        I really like your answer, Filosofickle. It resonated with me and was what I was going to suggest as well. Personally, I realized I prefer being alone but if that changes one day, I would probably add something like, “I decided to see what’s out there and have fun with it”, but more elegantly.

        OP, it seems that you don’t mind the initial question so much as the follow-up questions that imply (or outright state) that there’s something wrong with you for not having been married. If that’s the case, then I’d double down on the ‘it wasn’t a priority at the time’ or the time-honored ‘I wanted to sow my wild oats and I had many to sow, but now I’m ready for something more’ sentiment.

        If someone kept persisting after that, well, then I’d kick them to the curb because that’s just way too much for a first date.

      2. Liz*

        That is a really useful answer if I’m ever asked this. I’ll be stealing this! Im at about an 8 year hiatus, not 13, but it will be interesting to see if anyone finds that in some way strange. It’s funny, because it was never an active choice – I was just distracted by life and then suddenly I was in my mid thirties – but I had just sort of accepted that I might well never have a relationship again, but then the universe blindsided me again and I developed a crush! So I guess I’ll see what happens?

    11. NobodyHereButUsChickens*

      I used to get this. ( i married at 35). Mostly I thought it was incredibly rude and nosy.
      To “why are you single” my reply was “because I’m not married” and if they persisted with “But why aren’t you married? my answer was “because I’m single”. Further interrogation got them “it seems like this really bothers you. Why is that?”
      At parties with mostly couples I would occasionally get “Where’s your husband?” The best answer to this was “he ran off with his personal trainer”. That usually shut them up.
      Mostly I use the “why are you so focused on this” approach.

    12. Mstr*

      Perhaps dust off the line from Brigit Jones about how she’s single because obviously all women over 30 are covered in scales under their clothes.

    13. Purplerug*

      Whoa I am loving all these replies and suggestions – thank you! In answer to some of the questions the pool is very small for me in that I live in a very rural area and when you add the pandemic into that….online dating it is! But I noticed this line of questioning when I used to live in the city and when I would meet guys at work so I’m not sure it’s just the small pool factor. I get that people are curious about it (I am too!) but generally I find that no answer satisfies their curiosity enough and there’s always some probing with vague negativity around it….’oh you guys wanted different things? Guess you must still be in love with him then’ and such. I can’t recall one date who has said ‘oh that’s a shame/good to know/similar to my own story/crazy etc. and if I say I was too busy/didn’t notice time passing/was working on my career they interpret that as me being a career b*tch (as one said to me over dinner!!) when really I have been looking on and off over the years but never met the right guy at the right time. It happens to a lot of us!

      I sidestep the question about how long I’ve been single because it’s been a long time and tend to not mention the caring for my parents because I like to keep that private until I know someone better. I don’t probe about divorces although some men will gladly unpack those on the table between dinner and dessert and I prefer to take someone at face value, not the whole road that’s led them to me….at least not on the first date anyway.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        ” Guess you must still be in love with him then”

        And with that I am done. See, I don’t like it when people assume, plug in their own answers or decide my own feelings for me.
        If a person is willing to speak this way on the first date or early in the getting to know you phase, who knows what they will decide it’s okay to assume as time goes on. nope. Nopity-nopity-nope.

        Tell him “Yes, I still am!” and then say, “Bye have a nice life!”

        Instead of letting the question pull you down, let the question free you. You are free to move on from this person.

        Alternatively, you could always ask, “Oh do you always decide people’s feelings for them?”
        Grrr. Me, I can’t waste my energy because this could be an ingrained life habit that they will not fix until they understand it’s a problem.

    14. Liz V*

      I’m in my 5os, never married, by choice. I do occasionally get curious questions about why (as well as why I never had kids), and I keep it simple: because I didn’t want to.

      It really is that simple, sometimes.

      So far, no one’s probed or pushed further, but if they did, I would redirect to ask them why they are interested, and maybe why they think that’s a polite/respectful question to ask someone they’ve just met.

      Back when I was in my 30s/40s, though, when the topic came up, I’d give a little more detail: “Yeah, I’ve had long-term relationships with some really great guys, but those relationships ended because of structural differences.” (Two people wanting different things at different times, etc.)

    15. Jackalope*

      I HATED that question when I was dating (I met my now husband at 38 and we were married at 40, so I too heard it a number of times). My life pathway was a bit different than most because a) I didn’t meet someone at college (which is where a number of my good friends met their spouses); b) I went overseas shortly after college to Save the World and lived abroad for a few years, not knowing (and, to be honest, not caring at the time) that in the meantime everyone else was busy getting hooked up and finding a mate would be much harder when I came home; c) due to Reasons from family history I was a bit leery of getting married for a number of years; and d) I had a long-term platonic relationship that went briefly weird & romantic and then imploded in a way that I found very traumatic & for many years thought was entirely my fault. So I wasn’t at a place (either geographically or emotionally) to start looking seriously until my early 30s, at which point the pickings were much slimmer.

      Out of the above, I generally used the living abroad answer and said something along the lines of, “Oh, I spent my twenties Saving the World and life was too crazy for dating.” If pressed, I would cheerfully talk about my adventures on another continent, since I found that being a bit exotic often helped my cause. In an actual long-term relationship I was happy to talk about c & d, since those related to my own personal issues that I brought to the relationship, but not on a first date.

      (I will add that the only time I got a question like this that I did NOT feel insulted by, was a few dates in where he said, “How is it possible that no one else has snatched you up yet?” Which obviously has a very different sort of feel, and since he eventually married me, he was clearly not planning to make the same mistake.)

    16. allathian*

      I was 33 when I met my husband, he was 28. I’d had one serious relationship in my early 20s before I met him, and I’d been single for 8 years when we met. He’d dated a few women casually but he’d never been in a serious relationship before. My best friend’s husband, and one of my husband’s friends were coworkers and set us up on a blind date, and here we are. So I haven’t really had to field that question but my story just goes to show that it’s possible to find love in different ways.

      I do think that the question is very insensitive at best and disrespectful at worst, if they can’t accept your answer.

      For the record, I find multiple marriages and divorces a much bigger red flag. Anyone can make a mistake once, maybe even twice, but after the third divorce I doubt the person has the capacity to be happy in a relationship, or at the very least, they have very poor judgement when it comes to picking potential partners.

    17. Eff Walsingham*

      I married at 45. But my own flippant, “Because I keep saying, ‘no’!” probably only flies in more eccentric social circles.

      The arts community is like its own small town in some ways, though; and in the places I lived for the longest, my answer was definitely meant as a shot across the bow. As in: “I have dated a LOT of people by now, some of whom you probably know. Clearly it didn’t work out on a long-term basis because I’m on this date with you. My time is of value to me, so please ask another, more interesting question now.” I don’t know that I probed my own motivations all that deeply, but I think it’s a good subtext to bear in mind and take with you on dates. Your time is valuable to you, yes? And this dude is wasting it, when he should be exerting himself to be charming and fun, to probe your past with boring grandma questions? On the first date, yet?

      If I were still single at my current age, I’d be sorely tempted to go all the way to (teasing) “Yes, grandmother, I’m STILL single! But I got a good report card. Would you like to see it?” Ironically my own family, even my grandmother who was married at 15, never asked about my ongoing singleness. I think they always knew that I’d be *very* choosy if I married at all. My husband and I both tell people that we knew that the ‘right’ person would be very rare and special.

      I read somewhere that the dating pool over 30 is full of “very picky men and very picky women.” Whether they got that way through divorce or just through learning about themselves and the world. So these dudes should just assume that your standards are quite high by now, however you got here, and be sure to bring their “A game,” whatever that looks like.

    18. RC Rascal*

      There is only one answer to this question:

      I haven’t met the right person yet. Period. No more explanation.

  22. Whiskey on the rocks*

    Recommendations for stylish walking shoes? I am not a sneaker person, I live in ballet flats (I love my rothy’s) but I need something more supportive for walking a lot while traveling. I’m not comfortable in regular sneakers though. They don’t go with any of my clothes or my general style. I’m willing to look at a range of prices. Any suggestions??

    1. HannahS*

      I tend to wear oxfords at work. Women’s oxfords without excessive buckles (WHY?) can be hard to find, but I find them a comfortable, stylish option when I need to be on my feet. I used to wear plain leather laced shoes–they were a bit like a smooth, plain leather sneaker; not full-on dress shoes, that I got at Ecco, but I’m not sure they still carry that style. In the summer, I live in Toms/Bobs. They have a bit of arch-support and stay on my feet well, and breathe because they’re canvas.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Ooh those Ecco sneakers are great! I wore to work all the time too, they’re nicer looking and worked well with business casual.

      2. Made for Walking*

        Hotter.com is a UK based shoe company with great walking shoes. There are a few grandma types but there are some super cute & Mary Jane styles. They come in different widths and are very supportive & comfortable.

    3. pancakes*

      Grenson has sneakers that don’t really look like sneakers, dressier and cleaner. They’re expensive but very well-made and have good sales.

      1. Whiskey on the rocks*

        I’d never heard of them, but they are beautiful! I’ll look at them, thanks!

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Boots? I like ankle boots and similar because they’re stylish but I can put all manner of support insoles, warm socks, etc on under them and it doesn’t show.

      1. Whiskey on the rocks*

        I always love the idea of ankle boots but they get me self conscious about my knobbly ankles and knees, haha! (At least I don’t have to shop for a bathing suit.)

        1. Workerbee*

          Measure the height of your ankle from the base of your foot. Some ankle boots cover your ankle while others sit below it, so you just have to look at the shaft height. Then you just have to focus on not being self-conscious about your knees. :)

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I really like all birds! I bought them last year in anticipation of touring a city but covid. So I wear them to work where I’m on my feet all day, they’re so comfortable!

      1. rkz*

        I was coming here to say this! I bought a pair recently and while they are like sneakers in terms of the shape, the fabric makes it feel like they go with more clothes. And super comfy, wear them for walking all the time.

      2. Whiskey on the rocks*

        Oh, thanks for this! I am extremely susceptible to FB ads (hence the rothy’s…) and I’ve been seeing All birds a lot.

      3. Lady Alys*

        I bought my first pair of Allbirds in 2017 to wear during a trip to Europe. They were the only shoes I brought with me (pack light!) and I wore them every day for three weeks, walking 5-10 miles per day. Those shoes are AWESOME.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Cole Haan. They have sales all the time and their shoes are designed for walking. I have a pair of oxfords that may be more sneaker-ish than you’d like, but they have other styles and you can often get them for way less than regular price.

    8. NeonFireworks*

      Rockport or Clarks. I walk a lot too and love shoes that are pretty on top and hardcore underneath.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I was going to suggest Clark’s. I love the look and i do find them comfortable.

    9. Mary Berry*

      I like Clarks. Spouse has gotten dress and casual shoes from them since he broke his foot and needed additional support. I hopped on the bandwagon because I liked their loafer styles. Can be pricey, but a few times a year they have good sales.

      1. Clarks*

        I love Clarks now that I’m dealing with plantar fasciitis. They’re expensive but worth it, and I do well buying through Shoes.com. You may not get the most recent releases but they have good sales. I often wait until there’s a good rebate or percent off sale through Rakuten and stack the savings.

    10. the cat's ass*

      Danskos! I tromped 60+ miles in 10 day through Japan in multiple venues with a GS troop and these served me very well. Velcro strap easy on-off, a big thing for shoeless-indoors Japan), lots of support, the plain leather (not the nubuck) cleans up nicely, and while they were a little foofy for camping, they were SO comfortable. Price range: 80-150 and frequently go on sale.

      Mephistos are also great with a wide variety of non-sneaker styles, but also really expensive. Range 225 and up.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Romika—they’re expensive but last a long time and are pretty comfortable for walking. I got mine at Dillards, I think. I told the salesman I was going abroad and he immediately pointed me to that rack. He said he’s never had anyone regret that purchase. I bought mine in 2014 and they’re still going strong. And I am MEGA hard on shoes.

      Born is another brand I like for longevity.

    12. Another workerbee*

      Merrell. I wear their “Mocs” all the time, and really like the arch support fits me.

    13. Jackalope*

      I don’t have a specific brand to recommend, but if you do find a pair that’s okay but not great, I’ve taken shoes to get custom supports added in. It wasn’t that expensive, and it was amazing how much of a difference it made.

    14. MissDisplaced*

      There are a lot of sneakers that don’t look like sneakers!
      I was faced with something of the opposite issue because I needed a dressier shoe for trade shows that still felt like, and had the support of, a sneaker without looking like a sport shoe. Many of the types I found even had ballet type flats or loafers, but with more support.

      Some brands to look at: Vionic, Aerosoles, Doctor Scholls, Dansko, Naturalizer, Walking Cradles, Grasshoppers, Clarks, Sofft, and sometimes even Sketchers.

      You can find these brands most anywhere, but I tend to find a lot on the Zulilly site where most are reasonably priced well under $100.

  23. Teapot Translator*

    What’s cooking? thread!
    What have you cooked? What are you cooking? Tried anything new?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband got some nice saffron and is having decision paralysis on what to make with it. His first attempt was a Persian dish with chicken, rice and lentils, and while the flavor profile was good (after he increased most of the seasonings four-fold), the saffron was wasted, the texture wasn’t great and we were all generally meh on the dish. Any recipe suggestions that will let the saffron really pop? (Limitations that may or may not be relevant: we avoid big chunks of tomato, mushrooms and avocado, and I have very limited tolerance for spicy food. But we are omnivores.)

      2. Rebecca Stewart*

        Saffron rice is good with a lot of things. We eat it with a lot of Greek, Turkish, and North African stuff.

        One can make a kind of custard pie with almond milk and cinnamon and saffron that is REALLY good. You steep the saffron in the almond milk, stir the cinnamon into the sugar, and make a straight baked custard in a blind pastry crust. That’s Anglo-Norman from about 1350, but no worse for that.

        You could do a biryani, and limit the amount of heat in it. It would still be complicated flavorwise in the way Indian food is, but not hot and ouchie to eat. (Oddly enough I can handle ginger and cinnamon heat better than capsicum heat.) That’s the only way I can do biryani.

        1. TechWorker*

          I made jackfruit biryani using the dishoom recipe, and leaving out all the chilli, which involves saffron rice on the top. It was delicious and my other half who has zero spice tolerance liked it too.

      5. Old and Don't Care*

        Giada and her aunt Raffy made a “Bitter Rice” risotto with radicchio and dried cranberries that’s been on my radar. It will come up if you google Giada Bitter Rice.

      6. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Guinness beef stew with beer bread dumplings (from the blog How Sweet Eats) and Dutch apple pie. Oh, and baked potato soup for lunches this week.

      8. I take tea*

        Fish goes very well with saffron, especially somewhat “boring” fish as Alaska pollock or other grey fish. I used to do a dish where you put a block of frozen (yes, in this case it works better if it’s frozen) Alaska pollock in a small container, boil some cream with saffron, some dried tarragon/estragon (according to the dictionary both are used), maybe a pinch of paprika, salt and pepper. Pour over the frozen fish and bake in the oven, middle heat for about 45 min. Very tasty. (Now wondering if that could work with tofu, gotta try.)

    2. Catherine*

      I recently picked up the Midnight Chicken cookbook and have consequently become obsessed with Viennese eggs. I’ve made them five times in the last two weeks and they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

        1. Catherine*

          Two softboiled eggs, beaten with butter and chives in a cup so that you can dip toast soldiers in them. Absolutely addictive!

    3. Ali G*

      We’re smoking wings this weekend! It’s nice out and we haven’t used the smoker in a while.
      I discovered a local butcher where we can put in orders so we are going to put a list together this weekend: seafood, packer brisket and some lamb I think. I get excited about stocking the freezer :)

    4. GoryDetails*

      On my own: braised corned beef and cabbage, something I enjoy quite a bit. I indulged for this one as it’s “corned beef” season and the price is a bit higher, but I couldn’t resist!

      New to me: my latest Hello Fresh box included a Chicken Shawarma Bowl – chicken breasts marinated in yogurt-and-shawarma-spice-blend, with couscous with sauteed shallots and more shawarma spice, and a fresh cucumber/tomato salad. I hadn’t tried that particular type of spice blend before, and really enjoyed the flavor – will definitely use it again.

    5. CTT*

      I roasted a chicken on Sunday; I ended up using it to make sandwiches all week, and I was worried about the potatoes/onions/carrots I cooked with it going to waste, so I fried them up and made a hash for dinner Thursday night and it was amazing. I divided up the other leftovers into individual bags and froze them, so that’s a good back-up dinner plan.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I made a dried pea soup, which would normally be a pea and ham soup, but since I didn’t have a ham hock, I used sliced Frankfurter sausages instead.

    6. English, not American*

      Tomorrow is Mother’s Day in the UK, so today is a day of cake-baking. My partner made a blueberry cheesecake for his mother which has been monopolising the oven for the past 2 hours, while I have zested and juiced lemons ready to make a lemon drizzle cake once the oven is free. The cheesecake is new, neither of us has made one before, but this is the second time I’ve done a lemon drizzle cake (mum’s favourite).

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Lobster Thermidor! (from Cooking Light) It was amazing! And not very hard to make at all

    8. Aphrodite*

      I cannot wait to cook again! I am looking almost with desperation–certainly with a lot of lust–at recipes because I have been in an interim housing situation, studio without a kitchen, for the last 18 months. But this coming Thursday I move into my own place, a lovely, completely renovated 2+2 mobile home in a spectacular senior park here. It has a kitchen with a 1978 O’Keefe & Merritt wall oven that has barely been used since it was installed. The vintage appliance repair guy I had look at it said to never get rid of it. I think I might bake a Cornish game hen along with an artichoke and salad for my first dinner. (I cannot believe how sick I am of Trader Joe’s frozen entrees right now.) Maybe fish tacos the second night? And, how wonderful, my favorite breakfasts again: two farm eggs, 1/2 slice of Whole Food thick-sliced bacon, fresh fruit, soy protein drink. I am going crazy as I type this just thinking of these meals to come1

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I attempted a Lebanese potato and chicken dish. For some reason despite all the seasonings it tasted very bland. Very disappointed. Did not bother to cook the rest of the week.

      Have ot say, the best thing I had this week was chicken biryani cooked by my mother. Ultimate comfort food ironically.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Squid in the sous vide… so much more forgiving than counting seconds in boiling water. Then sauced it up garlicky like a scampi almost.

    11. TechWorker*

      Two new things this week:
      Vegan ‘chicken’ stew with dumplings – first time cooking with nutritional yeast and mine was not actually full vegan (I’m veggie) because I only had cows milk and margarine around. But the actual stew thickened really well and the leftovers were tasty too. (I basically screwed up at the start and ended up with lumps of flour floating in it… but a sieve and a whisk sorted that out lol).

      Also made a ‘butternut squash quinoa casserole’ which was nice (I was intrigued by cooking the quinoa in the casserole rather than boiling it which is the only way I’ve ever cooked it otherwise). This did work and was nice but I got worried converting the recipe size and units from US to U.K… Im convinced that if I’d stuck to half the amount of water the quinoa just wouldn’t have cooked but I went a bit far the other way and it was a bit overdone.

    12. Hi there*

      Husband wants to try sourdough, so we got some starter and have been feeding it all weekend. Today we are going to make sourdough pancakes for brunch. I usually make our bread, and it is fun to play with flour together.

    13. Charlotte Lucas*

      I made 6 herbs bread (from Bernard Clayton’s Complete Book of Breads) yesterday, & I used some leftover ricotta to make an herbed cheese spread. Every Friday for the past several months, I’ve made Milk Street’s Pat in Pan Pizza.

      Today, I will make pie in honor of Pi Day, but I still haven’t decided what kind.

    14. OyHiOh*

      I had a kind of odd combination of vegetables in the fridge a couple weeks ago, did a “what’s in my fridge” search for those ingredients, and found a primavera style recipe that’s so good I’ve now ordered that combination of veggies on purpose two more times on purpose, to make the dish.

      I like this with angel hair pasta

      Slice a bulb of fennel very thin, and slice half a red onion. Saute together in a bit of olive oil for ten minutes, or until the fennel is translucent and starts to carmelize. Add one or two zucchini, cut in quarter rounds. Saute until the zucchini starts to brown a bit.

      Add preferred protein (shrimp is spectacular, I also like fennel sausage)

      Drain the noodles, reserving about half a cup of the water. While the veggies finish cooking, toss the noodles in a bowl with the reserved water, the juice from 1 lemon, minced parsley, and dried oregano.

      Plate noodles, add primavera over top. Salad, garlic bread, etc.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, I have to try this! I love fennel, but am a little unsure how to use it. I sometimes use bean pasta, so I don’t have to worry about the protein, I think it could work here.

    15. Snow Globe*

      I’ve been trying a number of new recipes lately. Shrimp etouffee last week – was wonderful. Key lime pie today, for pi day.

      A few weeks ago I made a dish that everyone loved and asked me to make sure to add it to the rotation. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten what the specific dish was! They’ll likely never see it again.

    16. PhyllisB*

      Taught my granddaughter how to make a pound cake from scratch. She wanted to make one for her boss’s birthday. She did the work, I just gave hints. Turned out perfect, except I tore it a bit getting it out of the pan. (She was afraid she would mess it up.) It was my fault because I forgot to set the timer and didn’t let it cool quite long enough. I offered to make a glaze to cover the damage, but she said that was okay, at least it looked homemade!! :-) I guess Paula and Rachel don’t have to worry about competition from me!!

  24. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    Any questions for everyone? Have you tried anything new? Any learned lessons you want to share? Etc.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I have a question for people who have the Down Dog app. Do you like it? What are the pros and cons you’ve found? I tried it once for yoga and once for HIIT (very short session for the latter). I found the yoga one very impersonal, so I think that’s not what I want from yoga?

      1. Schmitt*

        I have it for yoga and I love it.

        Pros:
        * With a combination of customization options I can get something that works really well for me: type (gentle, normal, restorative, chair yoga, other stuff I don’t use), speed, difficulty level, and focus.
        * There’s a lot of variety in the poses
        * The interface during the session is pretty good, you can skip to the next pose if you want to skip one
        * I haven’t tried any focus other than neck stretches, but even just that has been excellent

        Cons:
        * If I had never done yoga before I would not understand some of the instructions, even with video
        * I switched it up a few days ago and tried ‘normal’ instead of my usual gentle or restorative – it was brutal; when I’m ready to try normal again I will have to drop down a difficulty level and go slower :P
        * it is hard to watch a video when you are in positions lying down or god help me upside down, so I found out that I was misunderstanding some instructions only by rewinding the video afterward

        Caveat:
        * I have not tried any other yoga apps

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      I pushed myself a bit too hard this week and a muscle in my back started speaking up—I’ve been doing the You Are Your Own Gym bodyweight 2.0 program and basically—I just have to remember that it’s more desirable to do an easier exercise well than a harder exercise poorly. Kinda frustrating, since I’ve been hitting a lot of cool personal milestones, but I know that resting now is worth it.

      Question—any recommendations for yoga apps/youtube teachers that don’t focus on weight loss? I’m not trying to lose weight and seeing things like calorie counts on a yoga practice will actively demotivate me. I love Yoga with Adriene but I’d love to expand!

      1. Reba*

        I always return to Fightmaster Yoga.

        (She sadly passed away suddenly not long ago — her videos are all still on YT — just a heads up in case that would be too weird or sad for some people.)

    3. CatCat*

      I started a running program called “None to Run” to help me get back into running. It’s the very beginning so no real challenge so far (other than getting up in the morning to go do it!)

    4. Queer Earthling*

      I had to google for low-impact exercises at home, but I found a routine that doesn’t destroy my knees and back! I hate exercising, I’ve never understood how people can be excited to exercise, but I’ve actually been enjoying these and don’t feel miserable when I’m done.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        If you see my question, can you share what the routine is? My knee is bothering me (I’m seeing someone for it this week) and I’m looking for stuff to do.

    5. fposte*

      My PT has authorized modified push-ups after years of no push-ups and I love push-ups so much! I’m totally deconditioned but they’re still fun.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I don’t know if you know Paula Poundstone, but she’s doing a group push-up thing on Twitter. I hate push-ups, but she makes me want to join in.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      It hit 70s this week so I took the baby to a nearby park. Walker for about an hour and holy crap it was hard. I joked with friends later that pushing a heavy stroller (heavy to me) counted as a workout. Walked around a mall yesterday as well. I do well in the gym with weights but horrible with cardio, even worse so now that I have to wear a mask and can’t breathe much. I enjoy doing weights but I may need to ramp up the cardio to actually see any results.

    7. Nessun*

      Started back with my personal trainer this week after 3 months lockdown, and the term “muscle memory” has new meaning to me. Not lifting any weights for 3 months I was really worried about my form but it came back right away, little conscious thought involved. Very glad I kept doing stretches and smaller exercises at home, so I’ve not lost all I’d gained before. It’s really driven home the idea that doing anything is better than doing nothing.

    8. Torrance*

      I discovered Kyra Pro’s dance workout videos (on YouTube) earlier this week. I generally hate exercise but I’m trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle and being able to work out to a Mamma Mia! medley made the whole thing much more tolerable. It’s hard for me to do things I don’t enjoy (even if they’re good for me) so this was a definite win.

    9. Chaordic One*

      Question. When do you find time to exercise during the week and when you’re working? In my life it just seems like there’s never a good time. I can’t for the life of me get up early enough to do it before work (and it would still be dark then, anyway). After work would be the most convenient, but then I’m exercising during “rush hour” when there’s a whole bunch of traffic on the streets and more air pollution. After dinner (if I don’t eat too much and don’t feel weighted down by food) is good, but I don’t want to wait until it’s too late, because I don’t feel completely safe after dark and later in the night, although I live in a supposedly-safe suburb.

      1. CatCat*

        You could do exercise videos in your home if you don’t want to go outside. There are soooo many options online so there’s a lot to sample to see what you like.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I work from home, but even when I was on site, I take a couple 15 minute breaks and walk around (at home, around the block, at work I could do laps around the parking lot). I do a couple more of those after work and in the evening, like one before dinner and one after. It adds up to 3-4 miles, but because it’s in smaller chunks it doesn’t feel like it’s taking a lot out of my day.

      3. The teapots are on fire*

        I do Fitness Blender videos at home after work. I buy a curated set of workouts from them (buy once, use forever, 4-8 week program for <$20). Some of them require a set of dumbbells, and I'm fine with 3, 5, and 8 pound pairs, which was not expensive.

      4. Teapot Translator*

        Pre-pandemic, I exercised over the lunch hour , after work, or early in the day on weekends. Except for the swimming, I can do the same exercises in my home (Zumba, yoga, weight training), so I do them whenever it’s convenient: if I wake up naturally early, I will do 45 or 60 minutes; over lunch hour, right after work. The key for me is to do it before I eat. I don’t run, though. And when I go for walks or hikes, it’s on the weekend.

      5. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Currently, I go in the mornings around 9 am but I am not working now.. When I was working full time, I would go before work, which meant waking up at 4-430, taking the 5 am bus and exercising from 6-730, 60-80 m to shower and get ready to be at owrk by 9ish.

    10. Girasol*

      Planting season is here and volunteers are planting native plants where the wildfires have burned. It means climbing the steeper hills where the mechanical planters can’t go, hauling up buckets, digging in steep areas, and bending-standing-bending all day long. There’s no other exercise that I do where it’s so easy to push myself. It’s such a great start to spring.

    11. Hi there*

      I’ve been doing a strength program with my running coach online, and I am starting to notice a difference. It has been surprisingly hard to find the 10-15 minutes every workday for the exercises, which will help me have much more realistic expectations when this program is done.

  25. HannahS*

    Baby showers. Did you have, not have, enjoy, not enjoy? What was the best baby-related party you attended? Was there a worst one?
    I’m not due until the fall, so it’s entirely possible that gatherings will be allowed in my area by then (insert screams of frustration with the vaccine rollout in Canada…ok, I’m done, no politics). I didn’t have a wedding shower (married a year ago, during the pandemic). I feel a bit weird having a party centered around asking people for gifts? And I’m honestly not huge on a lot of baby shower games that I’ve seen on the internet. But I also love celebrating milestones! Advice please!

    1. twocents*

      Tbh, as an adult attending a party just to watch someone open gifts, I have a refreshed understanding for why many parents choose to remove that part from their kids birthday parties. (Just putting the gifts aside, opening the gifts later, and sending out thank yous after the party.) It’s boring and tedious, especially given the pile of stuff that (understandably!) has been given to the new parents.

      I don’t know if your circle would let you get away with this, but something more “come eat cake!” casual chill out time would make showers better imo. But I’m sure someone else will say how much they love watching gift opening so, lol, can’t please everyone.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I am greatly in favour of “hang out, eat nice things” parties and really don’t like public gift-opening. I am also British, which almost certainly factors heavily into those preferences.

        I haven’t been to many baby showers but they definitely fell into this category. To the extent that you play “games” they tend to be of the gentle “guess the baby’s weight/name” type, or signing a card (to baby) to be mounted and framed.

    2. alex b*

      I’ve attended many showers and “sprinkles.”

      Worst ones are all-women, dry, and/or include public gift-opening. Games… meh, they’re nearly impossible to pull off and have it not be cringey; David Rose may be the only person to do so (Schitt’s Creek reference). Don’t even get me started on “gender reveals.”

      Best one was for all people, and everybody went out to a nice lunch. For a few minutes there were so-excited-for-this-baby! toasts, but mostly it was a celebratory meal with good company. Gifts were optional and discreet.

      Just do something low-key to gather all the people you’re excited to have in your kiddo’s life! :)

      1. Filosofickle*

        YES. I avoid all-women parties because when men are invited there’s less cooing over gifts, sharing blessings and advice, and playing dumb games. Please don’t make me play games! Just let me eat cake and have a nice chat. Please.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      My stepbrother and his girlfriend had a backyard party that was coed and included a keg. It wasn’t a rager but it was just a nice outdoor party that included giftgiving. Next shower I’ve ever been to.

    4. rkz*

      I think this depends a lot on what you know about your circle of family and friends. In mine, I knew people wanted to buy gifts to support us and wouldn’t feel put upon. I personally prefer showers where people don’t publicly open all the gifts but some attendees will be disappointed and/or make you open their gift anyway. That said, mine ended up being a bunch of small zoom showers so I tried to just do the gift-openkng as efficiently as I could while also appearing sufficiently grateful.

      A laid back game or two can be nice – especially the kind of things people can just do on their own or with the people who are nearby them while they eat or whatever. Then you just announce the answers at some point during the party. Although I definitely understand people’s aversion to a lot of shower games!

      1. A313*

        Agreed about meeting the baby! Much, much rather ooh and ah about a baby than yet another onesie or a diaper genie. And I loathe the games.

    6. Natalie*

      Well, mine was cancelled (March 2020), but when it was going to happen I wasn’t planning on opening the gifts in front of people. It was just going to be a casual afternoon tea kind of thing, with probably one non-gross game. I actually don’t know what the game was since we didn’t do it, but when I planned a friend’s shower I printed a sheet of children’s book covers and people had to write in the titles, and we played a round of baby-animal-themed mad libs.

      If you want to celebrate a milestone, and it would feel good to have your community around you, have a party. You don’t need to call it a shower, or you can call it a shower and do whatever activities you actually want to do. Especially after the last year, people will be thrilled to come eat finger sandwiches or whatever.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Heartily cosign that last sentence in particular. The time for rebuilding community in person is almost here!

    7. Scout Finch*

      The best shower I ever attended was a joint event for 2 of the men on our team at work. Their wives were close in due dates & both were first babies. The wives came & we set up a table with half blue/half pink table cloths. Costco cakes for each side. All of us brought a little food & we had a great time over an extended lunch hour. One of the fathers was from the UK (wife was American) & was not not familiar with baby showers. It was lovely – both families got strollers & other needed stuff. We didn’t play games or such, just visited & ate & had a good time.

    8. Reba*

      I have attended and hosted a few! Now, I am No Fun, but all the games are terrible, why do this?! Just have a nice hangout! The only game-type group activity that I like is having people compile bits of advice — if you have a multi-generational group it is funny to see how attitudes have changed.

      In my cultural orbit it seems to be expected to open the gifts in person, but if you don’t wanna, don’t!

    9. Not A Manager*

      I understand about parties that ask for gifts. The old rule used to be that the parents-to-be didn’t host the party for that reason. (The really old rule used to be that their close family didn’t, either.) If you have a close friend or a cousin who could host and arrange the party, then you are the guest of honor. Like other posters, I dislike events where gifts are opened in front of guests, but I think showers have to be the exception because the party is literally about showering with presents. Also they are baby items which makes them cuter and marginally more interesting.

      If that model doesn’t feel right to you, go ahead and host an event for your friends but don’t call it a shower. You could have a “pre-baby brunch,” for example. You can be the host and entertain your friends, and just tell them it’s not a shower. Most of them will bring gifts anyway, and you can open them later and send a note.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Yeah, it was always my understanding that it’s traditionally considered tacky for someone to throw a shower for themselves. It’s supposed to be headed by someone like the mother’s best friend or sister. No shade intended for people who’ve done it themselves, that’s just the tradition!

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          Oh, yes. If *you* are throwing the party, don’t make it a shower. Have a meet-the-baby party, and people will most likely bring gifts anyway. And it means you don’t have to come up with games! (Though I think the “write on a diaper” idea downthread is adorable.)

    10. D3*

      Best one: Open house style, coed, just drop by when you can, food was good, new parents opened your gift while you were there. No games.
      Worst ones: The ones with games – they always are awful. The one that was 4 hours long! The one where they hired someone to come lecture us on “modern baby care and why everything you did when you had babies was wrong” The one scheduled from 11-2 that only had punch & cookies (it’s fine to have a punch and cookies only shower. Just don’t schedule it at an hour that is a mealtime!)

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      Yay HannahS! I also had a pandemic wedding and didn’t get to celebrate in person with people.

      I’m actually having a small baby shower next weekend (following all precautions, the majority of guests are already fully vaccinated). I’m due the end of April.

      My husband’s aunt is hosting so I don’t know all the details yet, but one thing I asked for was that it be a couples shower — I don’t like being the center of attention and hubby is just as excited and wants to be an involved dad (it’s not the 1950s anymore!).

      So she is renting the church hall for a few hours and there will be tacos and margaritas. We’re inviting couples and their kids so it’s more of a family reunion vibe that strictly “shower”. I’m not sure about games — I know there will be bean bag toss and maybe other similar things?

      I feel a little weird about asking for gifts, too, but people have been really enthusiastic about wanting to buy things for our baby (first grandchild on my side and 8 years since the last baby on his side). Some gifts have been sent in advance so we’re going to take pictures of those to make a slideshow and probably will unwrap in person gifts there.

    12. AVP*

      My favorite one ever was in the middle of the pandemic. We kept it to 10 people outside at very far-apart tables, ordered a ton of pastries from the French bakery and make a giant cheese and fruit plate, and decorated plan onesies with paint and markers. And it was co-ed.

      I don’t think I’ll ever be “allowed” to throw a shower like that again because there are usually SO many expectations – you have to have a certain number of family members! Gifts MUST be opened! – but for everyone who hates showers I would just really highly recommend trying to eschew as many of the traditions as you can get away with and focus on planning a fun party that you’d like if it wasn’t connected to this huge life event.

      Also, if you’re from a family where it would be scandalous ~not~ to open all the presents, see if you can get away with having everyone wrap theirs in cellophane so the people who want to inspect them can do that and no one else has to.

    13. Rara Avis*

      A friend hosted one for me and my husband. It was mostly snacking and some games (taste baby food and guess the flavor was fun), and included families. She invited guests to write a piece of advice on cards for us — I treasured those. My colleagues at work also threw a surprise one for me. You can make it as low-key as you want, but in my experience your friends and family will be excited to celebrate with you.

    14. Felis alwayshungryis*

      I loathe baby showers. I refused to have one when I was pregnant and I normally make my excuses. Mostly because of the games (especially that one where you melt and smush chocolate into nappies and have to guess what chocolate bars they were, blerk. I couldn’t look at Snickers for ages. And I also hate the guess-the-girth game. Because body commentary is what every party needs!)

      The only one I’ve been to that I really did enjoy was one for some dear friends, who made it into a general party. Gifts were totally optional and they truly didn’t care. There were three different cakes, many, many snacks, and lots of beer. It was really just an excuse to get all their friends and family round together, and eat cake and drink beer (well, not for the mum-to-be, obviously). It was great.

    15. Zooey*

      Baby showers are not really a thing in the U.K. (although they seem to be starting to be) so I’ve never been to one. I had always thought I’d be against having one as I am uncomfortable with people other than family buying gifts before baby is safely delivered. However I ended up suggesting my mum hold a ‘sprinkle’ as a place for her and my sister to give gifts and generally get a bit excited about the baby. We haven’t really been able to have an in person social events for the entire duration of my pregnancy because of Covid but we are bubbled with my mum since rules changed slightly and had three weeks living with her due to some work on our house. So it ended up being really nice to have a little party just to feel like we got something special in this time. It was just me, my husband, and my mum and sister. Me and my sister baked some cakes and my mum decorated the dining room, then we did some little baby themed quizzes and opened their gifts. It was very lovely, mainly because they got a chance to express their excitement. This was very Covid specific but I think small and meaningful is a nice way to go.

    16. Fellow Traveller*

      My favorite activity at my shower was the host had a pack of diapers and had guests write messages on the diapers and then gave the pack to us to use for the baby. Months later, it really lifted my spirits on many a 3am diaper change to read all these funny, touching, inspirational messages that our friends had written.
      We also didn’t want to ask for gifts (it was our second baby- first baby didn’t get a shower because she was born so early…) so we asked for people to bring diapers and wipes and used baby gear to donate to the local diaper bank.

    17. Dinoweeds*

      For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT PLAY GAMES. I can think of no greater torture than being stuck in a room with a ton of women I’ve never met and playing some bizarre game involving nappies. And then to top it off you get to watch one woman open all the presents over the course of 90 minutes. Ugghhhhh.

      I know I’m being dramatic, but damn do I hate those things. Just do a nice get together with good food and invite everyone!

    18. Annie Oakley*

      Apparently, I am in the minority about baby showers and games. I love going to showers and hosting showers! I love baby shower games (skip the “guess the chocolate in the diaper” and “what is in this baby food purée”. Those are gross.) The best “games” are those that can be done while gifts are being opened. Some ones I’ve enjoyed: baby gift bingo (first bingo gets a prize-small plant works great), close pin game (Lose pins if you say “baby” and win pins if you hear someone say baby. Can get very competitive!), write advice/most useful baby item/favorite book/etc, decorate onesies (get multiple sizes), notes of encouragement. Of course good food and cake is a must, especially if it is held over lunch time!

  26. MissGirl*

    Anxiety medication question.

    My therapist has recommended I try anxiety medication and I met with a nurse practitioner yesterday but I have major concerns. Two years I ago I did try medication. I went to a psychiatrist and she recommended a prescription that was supposed to be as-needed and a minor drug. I had bad side effects but they were such weird side effects I didn’t recognize them as such. I took it on and off for about three months then stopped tried another she recommended (it made me dizzy and tired). For one week I tried the first again and the side effects (including searing lower leg pain) came roaring back. That’s when I made the connection.

    I stopped the drug, didn’t go back to the psychiatrist, and instead focused on therapy, eating clean, and exercising (the drug caused weight gain).

    Yesterday I tell all this to the nurse practitioner and she looks up my medical history. Turns out the prescription I was given at the dose I was given was something she ONLY gives to patients being hospitalized for panic attacks. It’s not something you do for lower anxiety. It also has correlation with alzheimer’s so they don’t give it to patients with a family history (WHICH I HAVE). The second drug I tried is not as strong but strong and lowers blood pressure (WHICH I ALREADY STRUGGLE WITH).

    The practitioner recommends Lexipro or Buspar. So these are my questions. How do I know what to do when one so-called expert led me so astray? Has anyone tried these medications?

    1. Anon for this*

      Call your pharmacist. These are important issues that a pharmacist would be able to help you with.

      1. MissCoco*

        Great advice! Pharmacists are sometimes underutilized, but they really do know A LOT about medications

        You can ask about each drugs mechanism of action, and their most common side effects.
        Also asking about contra indications for both medications can help you decide if one is a good choice for you.

        Also, just want to say, I’m sorry your original prescriber did not figure out something that worked for you, that would definitely make me nervous in your shoes. Hopefully you can find a good (and safe) option working with a prescriber you trust.

      2. Anon for this*

        I second this suggestion. I have gotten into the habit of talking with my pharmacist about stuff like this as well as after every new prescription I get. A couple of years ago, I got put on a beta blocker and I basically stopped sleeping. The doctor insisted that it couldn’t be the beta blocker. I talked to the pharmacist who was able to look up the drug, found out that it could indeed be the beta blocker and with that info, the doctor put me on something else (Incidentally, I switched doctors after that).

        Call the pharmacist.

      3. Squeakrad*

        No I am not a doctor so this is not medical advice, but I was a therapist for several years and work closely with many psychiatrists with medications for my clients. l exapro and buspar are two different medications. Lexapro is a traditional SSRI, similar to Prozac used for treating depression. Busbar is an anti-anxiety medication and it’s less addictive and has fewer side effects.
        So my question would be why is your practitioner offering you the choice of an anti-anxiety medication versus an antidepressant? What does your practitioner think Is your main issue?

    2. ThatGirl*

      I have not taken either of those but I know that they are common anti anxiety/antidepressant drugs meant for everyday use. My husband has been in buspar for a few years now. While it’s still possible you will have side effects, they should not be severe and your body should be able to adjust. That doesn’t mean they’re the 100% perfect drug for you but they sound like much better options.

    3. Squidhead*

      I’d think about the type of treatment modality you want (do you want to take something every day versus as-needed?). I’d ask how each medication works at a very basic level, which might help you identify some pitfalls such as low blood pressure (which could also make you dizzy and tired). If it’s a med you take every day, I’d ask how long it takes to get fully into your system…many take several weeks before you’ll see the results you want, and might have other minor side effects in the meantime. I’d ask if any monitoring (lab work, heart rhythm, etc) is needed and why. I’d ask about major side effects, keeping in mind that the manufacturers have to list some very-rare-but-serious side effects even it it’s not certain that the drug caused it, just correlation. (Keep that in mind if you start researching the drugs yourself, too…the list of possible side effects can be daunting for almost any drug!) I’d ask to start on the very lowest appropriate dose of anything and then taper up slowly (ask the provider what this would look like…days/months?). If the provider is willing (and the should be!) to help you consider all of this, then they are probably doing the best they can to find the right drug for you. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to need to try different drugs to get the right fit but this isn’t a failing of the provider necessarily. Also, yes, use your pharmacist and make sure this provider knows about any other drugs, supplements, or alternative treatments you are taking.

    4. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      There are two main types of anxiety mediations. One you use when your symptoms are really bad (one example is Valium although there are ton of other ones.) these medications should only be used short term or on a rare basis. The other type is anti-depressants. These are more of a ‘cure’ as they treat the physical cause of anxiety. Anti-depressants are taken long term – for a few years or possibly the rest of your life.

      It sounds like your first doctor was giving you the first type. I’m not familiar with Lexipro or buspar (I’m on a different anti-depressant.) but assuming they are anti-depressants then your NP is probably on the right path.

    5. SpringIsForPlanting!*

      Very much Not A Doctor, but I have personal and family experience with two drugs in that genre. I’ve been on Lexapro (generic) for years now and it’s worked very well for me. I’m on a very low dose… I was actually on a sub clinical dose for a while and then upped it slightly due to Life
      Stuff. The good things (for me): 1) you can start off very slow and see how it’s working for you 2) it doesn’t feel like it dulls my personality or anything…just shifts me on average towards the better version of me (gives me better coping reserves, essentially). The bad thing: if I don’t take it every day, I do get some light withdrawal. Cranky, headaches. It’s not something you can be sporadic about. As a counterpoint, my dad got put on Wellbutrin and (long story) it literally nearly killed him. So, uh, work closely with a trusted medical professional to find a good fit for your physiology, is I guess the upshot.

    6. Cat Tree*

      It’s best to go into it understanding It’s a bit trial and error. Your doctor should automatically want to see you 4-6 weeks after you start, and if your doctor doesn’t want to do that you might consider looking for someone else. So, you start with one medication. And if it’s giving you side effects, then you switch. It’s that simple. And if the side effects are so unbearable that you can’t stand it for 4-6, you call your doctor and they should be willing to see you right away. The point is, you don’t have to choose the perfect medication on the first try.

      I used Lexapro and several others years ago. I found that although they had side effects, at least they actually worked on the anxiety. I couldn’t take any of them long-term but as I needed them off and on, for me the benefit was very much worth the side effects. I also had CBT which was extremely effective, so that might be an option if you can afford it and really want to avoid side effects.

    7. Turtlewings*

      I’m on Lexapro myself and doing very well on it. I haven’t noticed any side effects except some loss of sex drive, which frankly is a relief in my case. It’s definitely helped the anxiety a LOT.

    8. mreasy*

      I take Lexapro and have for years. It is a widely prescribed and generally well-tolerated medication and I would not worry. The dosage range is pretty narrow, too – usually 20mg max. I tried buspar for anxiety but stopped because it didn’t help. In my experience the side effects were minimal (while the gabapentins and seroquels of the world tend to make me very sleepy). It sounds like the original practitioner just didn’t know what they were doing! I’m sorry that happened to you.

    9. WS*

      It sounds like the prescription you were given first was a huge overreaction by the psych! If it was quetiapine (Seroquel) it’s not meant to be a first line treatment for anxiety or depression, though it is sometimes used for sleep in addition to a regular antidepressant.

      Both Lexapro and Buspar are standard antidepressants and should not lead to the kind of problems you were having – talk to your pharmacist.

    10. PingPongPenguin*

      Lexapro and Buspar are two very different types of drugs.

      Lexapro is an SSRI, the same class of drugs as Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, and others. Of those, Lexapro is most similar to Celexa. Lexapro carries the potential for the typical SSRI side effects.

      Buspar is a totally separate type of drug. It is not an SSRI. It is not a sedative. It is not a benzo. It is taken regularly, not as-needed. Side effects can include things like tremors and dosages would be calibrated in communication with your psychiatrist.

    11. Dwight Schrute*

      Definitely talk to a pharmacist! I’ve been on Lexapro for almost 6 months now. It’s made a huge difference in anxiety for me but it took a long time because I started super low and gradually titrates up to avoid side effects. The side effects have mostly gone away btw and really weren’t that bad for me! I’m so glad I took the plunge as I’ve been avoiding medication for years now. Good luck and I hope you find the right meds to help!

    12. Sylvan*

      Well, neither Lexapro nor Buspar is a benzodiazepine, which seems to be the class of medication you’re wanting to avoid. You can talk to your pharmacist or doctor about any concerns about them.

  27. Daylight*

    In my neighborhood, some people jog or walk in the street. There’s a sidewalk, but I guess the street is more even or soft or roomy. Anyway, a lot of times these people aren’t hugging the curb, they’re a few feet away from it. It’s even worse if it’s more than one person. Some also have their back facing oncoming traffic, so they don’t move over.

    I was driving my mom somewhere the other day, and she said I didn’t give some people who were walking in the street a wide enough berth and probably startled them (their backs were facing oncoming traffic). I don’t stay close enough to almost hit people or anything, but I wouldn’t go entirely into the opposite lane unless I absolutely had to. How much space do you guys usually give joggers and walkers who are taking up space in your lane?

    1. nep*

      That’s a drag. If people are in the street, better that they walk/jog against traffic. (That’s the only way that feels right to me when I’m out there. I do prefer street to sidewalk.)
      That said, I will give very wide berth to walkers, joggers, cyclists. It feels safer, esp with someone on a bike, and I feel like I’m being respectful to the person. If oncoming traffic doesn’t allow, I’ll slow down a lot and wait till I can go wide.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      One meter, one meter and a half? One meter and a half is the distance when passing cyclists here.

    3. twocents*

      Although I share your annoyance, I give as wide a berth as possible. What if their kid drops a toy and chases after it? What if their dog see something and lunges to investigate? What if they lose their balance and fall? I never want to run over another person.

    4. rkz*

      As someone who does sometimes walk or jog in the street for various reasons, I will say they SHOULD be facing oncoming traffic. If I’m not for some reason, I’m also super aware of any cars that might be coming behind me. I also do really try to hug the curb, especially when a car is passing.

      That said, I’d say to give them as much room as you can. That will obviously vary depending on the road and how many other cars there are, but it’s just better to be safe than sorry.

      1. street question*

        As a runner, I’d echo this –– they should def be facing traffic.

        However, there are occasions when I need to run/walk in the street with traffic, for a brief amount of time –– getting around construction, avoiding some unmasked walkers on the sidewalk, etc –– and I prefer that people give me *as much* space as possible and/or noticeably slow down. When people whiz past without giving me at least a meter and a half of space, especially if there’s no oncoming car and there’s plenty of room for them to move over, it makes me feel as though they’re being careless with my life.

    5. Just a PM*

      I give as wide a berth as I can. If there’s no oncoming traffic, I’ll move halfway over the line, otherwise I’ll hug the dividing line as I can. If there’s children, I’ll give them the whole dang lane and creep behind them at one car-length because you can’t predict what they’ll do, no matter how tightly an adult holds onto them.

      I will honk at people who walk with traffic and don’t see me coming. Especially if they have headphones/earbuds in. I wish more people were aware of (or followed) the law to walk opposite traffic or wear high-visibility clothing when it’s dark.

    6. Jay*

      I walk in the street. Sidewalks in our neighborhood are not consistent and when they’re present, they are uneven. After the third or fourth time falling, I gave up on them completely. I am not alone and since the pandemic started, there are always people in the street around here. I do walk facing oncoming traffic. Lots of (maybe most people) who walk in our area do not.

      When I’m driving and there are walkers in the street, I give them the widest possible berth, which usually does mean I swerve into the other lane. If I can’t do that, I slow waaaay down. These are residential streets and the speed limit is 25 MPH anyway – not widely observed, but that’s the limit – and I want to share the road.

    8. GoryDetails*

      It always irks me when pedestrians have their backs to the traffic – indeed, in my state it’s against the law, though I’m not going to stop and remind strangers of that! But whether they’re facing traffic or have their backs to it, I will slow down and sidle over as much as I can – if there’s good visibility and no other traffic I’ll get into the other lane, otherwise will leave enough room for traffic on the other side.

    9. Anon for this*

      I’ll put it this way— if you hit someone with your car, no one will care that they were taking up space in your lane.

    10. Pond*

      If it’s possible, as you’re coming up behind them (before you get close) can you gently honk the horn? This is hard because in my experience lost car horns just want to blast, but if you can do it so that it’s just a little beep ‘hey be aware that I’m coming up behind you’ instead of a blaring ‘I AM HERE AND YOU MUST JUMP OUT OF MY WAY’ that can make people aware so that they will walk to the side for you to pass without going in the other lane. I have to do this especially in flat neighborhoods where a lot of people come to walk and literally walk down the center of the street. There are no sidewalks but they should be walking towards the side of the road instead of in the center, which makes it so that the only way to drive forward without hitting them is for them to move over.

      2. street question*

        OMG please do not do this. Just give us space and don’t honk the horn. If you honked at me while I was running, I’d jump out of my skin / think you were a dude harassing me (or a woman. Both have happened).

    11. Margaret*

      To explain the positioning, my best guess is that they’re aiming for the flat part of the edge of the lane – most roads have a slight incline/dip as they get close to the edge or sidewalk. Not fun to run on for extended periods of time!

      But as someone who also jogs a lot, I do try to always be facing traffic, and be aware enough to adjust my position as cars come by. However, during the current pandemic times, I do criss cross more often in order to keep distance from other pedestrians. And sometimes, I’d just rather stay where I am regardless of which side I’ve ended up on, to keep from going back and forth super frequently. But again, reasonable to be annoyed if they’re not paying attention to cars coming by. Not reasonable to not still give them a fair amount of room that you can give them safely (relative to other cars), regardless.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I usually veer out enough to straddle the center of the road, if there’s no oncoming traffic. How much room that gives them depends on how far out they are.

      If they were spread out very far into the street and didn’t react at all to my approach by hugging the curb or looking around, and I was concerned they didn’t hear me, I’d slow down and probably tap the horn.

  28. Loopy*

    Does anyone have experience fundraising seni-significant sums of money for an org as an individual outside of that org? Meaning, I would raise funds to be donated by me vs doing an official fundraiser through/as the organization itself. It’s a place I care a lot about and want to raise money for but can’t do a GoFundMe or anything like that. In the past I’ve run a bake sale and donated proceeds but I’m looking to scale up. Any ideas to get funds raised into the thousands? Has anyone done anything like this as an individual outside of an org?

    If if helps, this is a local place, not a big Nationwide organization. Just looking for new ideas!!

    1. nep*

      I’ve never done it, but I like the idea of a service auction–or raffle, I guess. Finding people who would donate their services (hairstyling, massage, editing, landscaping, framing…), then have an online auction or a raffle. A lot to organise/manage, but I always wanted to try something like this as a fundraiser.

      2. pancakes*

        Yes – these are sometimes called a silent auction. I’ve taken part in a few but never as an organizer. They seem to work well if you have enough time and contacts to pull together appealing contributions.

      3. Max Kitty*

        Have to be careful with raffles though because they can fall under gambling laws. An organization I volunteered for had to get a raffle license to run one legally.

        2. tiasp*

          Where I am, it’s considered gambling and you need a licence if (1) there is a cost (2) there is a prize (3) there is an element of chance. So a door prize doesn’t need a raffle licence because there’s no cost. A silent auction doesn’t need a licence because there’s no element of chance (it’s not a draw, it’s based on who bid the highest). Also, gaming licences are only available to non-profit/charity organizations, and you have to apply to be approved for gaming eligibility.

      4. Loopy*

        Alas a great idea but something similar is in play involving local businesses (not exactly the same but involves some giving small things) so it would be bad overlap for me to go around trying to do this!

    2. Lifelong student*

      If you solicit from others for things or money for you to give to a qualified charity, the amounts received by you will not be qualified donations by the donors. Honestly, I would be highly skeptical of someone asking me to give money or anything else to them so they could give it away to another entity. There are too many scams out there. There may well be tax implications for you as well-

      If you want to assist a charity, you should work within their own structure- both for your sake and for theirs. There are rules for such things.

      1. Loopy*

        This is a great point. In the past I’ve been able to get away with selling things and just giving them the money I earned and that worked. But I guess maybe I can’t really run a traditional fundraiser per say of asking folks to just donate money. Another person gave me good advice too to watch out how whatever I do can be interpreted (I.e. people wondering whats going on with org? Are they that hard up for cash? Why is some random person raising funds for them?). I don’t want to bring them any weird unintentional PR by being a clumsy amateur. I’m a bit bummed out because I have good intentions but there seem to be a lot of potential pitfalls.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      It was nowhere near significant, but one year I had a yard sale with all proceeds to our local food pantry. I also set up a box for donations of non-perishable food. I was able to almost fill the back of a large SUV with groceries, plus a couple hundred in cash. (And I got rid of a whole bunch of stuff!) The pantry (manager? Director?) came by at the end and picked everything up, and she said was very much appreciated.

    4. Generalist*

      How well do you know the organization? How big/established is it? I’m a professional fundraiser, and we are thrilled to have people like you! A well-established nonprofit should have staff that can guide you in raising funds effectively to advance their mission.

      If you see this message (I’m replying rather late) and want to discuss offline, reply to that effect and I’ll find a way to get you my email.

    5. Anon for this*

      I learned that if you do a Facebook fundraiser for a 501c3, they get 100% of the money raised. Might be worth a look.

      1. Generalist*

        The problem with Facebook fundraisers is that the beneficiary organization doesn’t get information on the donors, so cannot thank them or communicate with them in the future. In general, the most valuable donors are those who give repeatedly (even if small amounts each time), so if we can’t even thank someone for their first gift it’s not all that valuable a use of your time and effort. Probably better than nothing, but not great in terms of lasting impact.

  29. Teapot Translator*

    I need advice. I’m juggling with what feels like a lot of stuff right now (health, work, studies, settling my dad’s estate), and I just listened to a message from my doctor’s clinic cancelling my appointment as they will be unavailable for an undetermined amount of time. So I need to get my test results from the clinic and find another doctor get a look at them (not an easy thing here, there’s not a lot of doctors available) because I’m worried about my health. And it just feels like too much to expect of me right now? How am I supposed to cope? How am I supposed to handle everything? How do I calm down and keep going when every little obstacle feels like a mountain?

    1. nep*

      Sorry you are struggling and feeling so burdened.
      Have you got any support? Can anyone else help with something in order to lighten your load?
      Beyond that I’d say (at the risk of sounding simplistic), I hope you are taking time to get good rest and nourish yourself well, drink plenty of water. However you end up taking on these tasks, you’ll be that much stronger and clearer-headed. Often easier said than done, I know, but extra stress and lack of sleep will only compound any problem.
      Breathe. Know that you can take only one (sometimes very baby) step at a time.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. Definitely this.
        And adding sometimes it helps to trust the ebbs and flows of life. When my father passed a lot of stuff got by me. Eh, I was up until 1 or 2 am and still could not get everything done. Something had to give. I was forced to settle on trusting the universe that I covered the important stuff. This is hard because logic says otherwise.

        If you feel that you should pursue the test results, I’d call and leave a message inquiring what to do. If/when they fail to answer you, I’d send an email to the state attorney general notifying him that you paid for those results and now you are not able to access them and there is no plan to remedy this in the near future.
        Pull in advocacy in stuff like this. Don’t make yourself walk alone. It’s too big to do alone.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Thank you. I know what you mean by trusting the universe. I think by “trusting the universe”, I’m trusting myself, that whatever comes, I will be able to handle it.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you.
        I do go to bed early, but I don’t know if it’s the new medication or the stress, but my sleep is not as good as usual. I’m also trying to eat right because of my hypertension.
        There’s no one to help really. I live alone.
        I felt overwhelmed yesterday morning, so it’s a sign that I have too much stress right now. Everyday, I will try to ask myself how I can reduce my stress in a healthy way.

    2. WellRed*

      Is no one filling in for the doctor? Is it a one doctor clinic? So bizarre to just drop you like that but I’d start there in case they didn’t communicate well. My brother died in the fall. I had to get rid of his things, mostly FB marketplace. I did eventually stick a bunch of it in the basement to deal with at a later date. I was overwhelmed.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        I think it’s two-doctor clinic? But from the way the message was phrased, I think my doctor might be sick? I need to call them tomorrow to get my test results and then I need to find another temporary doctor.

    3. Bluebell*

      Does the hospital/clinic have a patient advocate? Sometimes that can be a resource. Ill second the other advice on this thread, especially breathe, and realize you are doing your best. Also, if any new things pop up in the next month, don’t feel guilty about turning things down and saying no. I had a big project to deal with over the past month, so I put one of my volunteer commitments on hold. It’s given me a little more space, and I plan to go back when I can.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you. I feel like I’m letting people, like I’m letting myself down. But I know this is my brain telling me we’re tired.

    4. Really anonymous health-care worker.*

      Oh, this sucks!

      If you’re in the US, call them back and ask who’s covering if you need to be seen. If this is your primary care doctor, they typically can’t just drop you with no notice and tell you you’re on your own–that’s patient abandonment and it’s a big deal. They have to give you 30 days notice and send a letter and blah-blah-blah.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m not in the US. :-( And I don’t think I’ve been abandoned; I think the doctor is sick? I may try and find a private doctor in the meantime. It means paying (healthcare is free here), but it might be less stressful than “emergency” appointment clinics (where you show up and don’t know when you’ll be seen).

        1. The teapots are on fire*

          Oh, I see. I wonder if there’s a covering doctor, though, if the doctor in your clinic is sick.

          But definitely cut yourself some slack and let your professors know about the family issues to see if you can withdraw for a semester or take an “incomplete” grade and finish after the semester, slow your roll on the estate, and generally cut yourself more slack to get less done.

          You’re just one person!

    5. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Oh I’m so sorry. It’s already a rough time, and it sounds like you’ve got quite the pile.

      Stop, take a deep breath, and write down everything you need to do. Then, figure out what can wait, put those on another list and put that list aside.

      Then, figure out what’s “ASAP” and what’s “Wait a few days”.

      Last, contact the doctor’s office and request a referral if you can. If not, do you have health insurance? You can try them and see if they have any suggestions!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you. You’re right. I need to make a list. Sometimes, I even start my list with “Make a list”. It means one item on the list is already done!

    6. Hi there*

      It is a lot right now, and I am sorry for your loss. I wonder if you can compartmentalize a bit and not worry about everything all the time. Maybe mornings (or whatever time of day is your most sharp/productive) you focus on your studies. Afternoons you work on the estate (perhaps no more than an hour a day) and health (both figuring out the doctor situation and and health-improving behaviors you have available to you. If it feels like none, I recommend rest.). We are pulling for you!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you.
        I’ve never been good at compartmentalizing. I think it might be my anxiety (which is under control, it just rears up in periods of intense stress)? I’ll be cooking something and suddenly I’ll remember something I have to do and become stressed.

      2. CJM*

        I second the suggestion to compartmentalize. I work on my mom’s estate for one to three hours each weekday morning (it used to take longer), and then I’m done for the day. If something crosses my mind in the afternoon or evening, or if I receive an email about an action item, I make a note to handle it the next day. I like to get it out of my head and written down so I don’t have to remember it. (For me that becomes an obsessive loop of “don’t forget! don’t forget!” so that I keep thinking about it.)

        I didn’t come up with compartmentalizing on my own. My husband coached me because my anxiety and burnout peaked as I tried to handle everything well and quickly after my mom died in November. I had to practice adding slack to my expectations and schedule. It wasn’t easy for me, but I gradually got on top of it, and it’s mostly good now.

        I also take weekends off from estate work. I haven’t had a full week off from helping my mom (that’s how I think of it: on her care before her death and on her estate since her death) in a solid year. But I’m going to make that happen as soon as two more estate issues are settled.

        Good luck to you, and I’m really sorry you’re overwhelmed. If there’s anything specific to estate issues you’d like to chat about, I might be able to help.

    7. CJM*

      I’m sorry. That’s all too much.

      Do you have access to online doctor visits as an alternative to going to your doctor’s clinic? I do through our health insurance (in the US), but I didn’t know about that option until recently. Both my daughter and I used it instead of waiting to see our regular doctor or going to urgent care, and we were both happy with the responsive, prompt service.

      I’d be assertive until you get some answers. I’ve had to handle so many problems this past year by phone. It feels good to channel my frustration into action and call repeatedly while being polite but firm. It’s wearing, but it works well for me.

    8. Juneybug*

      I have a few suggestions that might help.
      Dad’s estate – I am so sorry for your loss.
      1. A great book about selecting estates is Inheriting Clutter: How to Calm the Chaos Your Parents Leave Behind by Julie Hall. It has checklists, ways to approach settling disputes over estates, etc.
      2. Do you have siblings that can help with the estate?
      3. Can the estate wait? Just pay the electricity bills, etc., (out of the estate, not out of your personal account) and let the house sit while you finish studies, get your test results, so on. Work –
      1. Could you take a few days off to work on the estate, do some studying, etc. Or do nothing and rest.
      2. Does your boss know? Can you ask them to not assign you any projects for a little while?
      Studies –
      1. Could you take a quarter or semester off to re-group?
      2. Does your instructors know about your family loss? Don’t carry this burden alone (and not just at school but at work, home, family, friends, etc.).
      Test results –
      1. Call the clinic every other day asking for the results. Seriously, make them little uncomfortable so they take care of their responsibilities. Dropping a patient in the middle of tests is not right. Ask if a nurse or PA could provide the test results.
      2. Ask them to set up a dr appt and transfer your records to another clinic (some places might do that so ask to see if that is an option).
      Sending you all kinds of internet hugs and prayers.

  30. Ali G*

    Jeans!
    Sometime last week I read blog post about how there is a little bit of a spat between Millennials and GenZ’s because apparently GenZ’s make fun of M’s love of skinny jeans. Zoomers seem to like wide leg jeans.
    As a young GenXer that was a young adult in the 90’s, I recall my discovery of ultra low rise fit n flare jeans. I still hate high rise jeans. I think as someone who carries her weight in her hips, they just don’t work, and I find them very uncomfortable.
    So, it got me thinking – are we particular to our “generations” choice of denim?
    If you are so inclined, share your age/generation, gender, and your favorite fit of jeans.
    I’ll go first:
    Me: 42F/GenX: mid rise (below belly button), straight leg or flare, dark wash. Will begrudgingly wear skinny jeans.

    1. nep*

      I was thinking of this yesterday, in my skinny, distressed jeans standing in line at Trader Joe’s. I still see lots of skinny jeans.
      I wear all kinds. I’m old. I couldn’t care less about what’s on trend for this or that generation (except when it comes to sourcing for Poshmark). I wear according to my mood, what I like, and what’s comfortable.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I do prefer skinny jeans (early 30s) but part of that is that I’m short and no longer wear heels, and I feel like skinny jeans are easier to get away with when they’re too long. Other cuts have to be hemmed for me usually. Right now I prefer higher rise. I also like dark wash better but realized that I don’t have any.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        This! I prefer skinny jeans because I’m short and hate to have my pants hemmed.
        40F. I have no idea which generation I fall into. I think I’m supposed to be late millenial?

      2. Epsilon Delta*

        Same! Love skinny jeans because I don’t have to hem them. I tend to like the high waisted ones when I can find them, but I’m not picky in that regard.

        But really, my true preference is leggings.

        31F

    3. pancakes*

      I’m a couple years older, and remember the years when low rises kept getting lower and lower. I once saw Björk at Daryl K buying low rise jeans, the jeans everyone in downtown NYC was into at the time – she was exiting one dressing room just as I was entering another. My boyfriend and I had another celeb sighting when he was buying APC jeans, which I had too, though I can’t remember just who at the moment. A male actor, at the Prince St. shop. The APCs were the ones you were supposed to freeze rather than wash. I do like a high waist now. It looks more contemporary, and can be flattering. I can go for various styles but I’m very glad to see the end of embellished jeans, and jeans with faded spots on the thighs and butt.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m a millenial (late 20s), female, and love a trouser jean–mid-rise, dark wash, straight-ish leg. They were available briefly when I was a teenager, but I don’t think they were the main style. In the mid-00s, I think I recall the end of low-rise flared jeans and the rise of skinny jeans. Neither worked for me. I have to constantly hike up low-rise jeans, and skinny jeans just feel both too confining and revealing for me.

      Currently, my style is maternity jeans. They’re the BEST. So comfy.

      1. nep*

        In a resale shop a while back, I bought some super comfy pants in cumin–a color I love. Just for being around the house. They happened to be maternity–a nice wide, loosely elastic waistband. I thought, Bah…maternity, menopause–same thing…(when it comes to expanding).

        1. Texan In Exile*

          And they both start with “m.” And they both include maddening hormonal fluctuations. And neither one is sufficiently studied but at least we have a solution for erectile dysfunction.

    5. Queer Earthling*

      I’m a mid-millennial (33) and honestly? I like both skinny jeans and flare jeans. I do find I like jeans that rise up more on my waist because I carry a lot of my weight in my belly–I’m not trying to hide my stomach (it’s there, what’s there to hide?) but I don’t like the feeling of jeans rolling themselves down under my tummy, as happens with low-rise.

      I do think the whole thing is hilarious. At what point in history did teens/young adults think that people in or near their 30s were, as a whole, cool and stylish? Am I supposed to be upset that Zoomers don’t like my pants?

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I carry weight in my stomach and cannot do the high-rize jeans – if they fit in the stomach, they are too large in the hips.

        1. Queer Earthling*

          Ahhhh see I’m fortunate to have both the round belly and voluptuous hips, so it tends to work for me. (Honestly, when I was younger, my hips were still big and it was hard to find pants that fit. I’m glad my tummy caught up because I honestly hate wearing belts.)

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Depending on your size, Torrid came out with a jeans fit called “mid’fit” which is cut generously in the waist and fitted at the thighs. It’s like plus size retailers finally acknowledged that there are those of us with bigger stomachs/apple shapes. As much as I love high rise, they don’t look good on me because my hips are narrow. Prior to these jeans, the only thing I could really do were maternity jeasn as those ar emeant to be generous in the midsection. Otherwise I’ve been living in leggings the last several years.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I’m a woman, about to turn 40, so an old millennial. I mostly wear bootcut jeans, but I do own a pair of skinny jeans for certain looks. All dark wash.

    7. Workerbee*

      Well, I’m Gen X, and not particular to whatever fads we had at the time. I just want something that flatters me and doesn’t cleave me in two when I sit down.

      1. Pippa K*

        This. This is the holy grail. (And also I will always own some boot cut jeans, because I need them for their original purpose: wearing over cowboy boots.)

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          +1000 on the boot cut jeans.

          I’m am older GenXer & basically look for what fits, flatters, & goes with my shirts & shoes. But I am also short with a high waist & hourglass figure. High-cut jeans are very unflattering on me.

          I also prefer a dark wash or more natural-looking fade.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      40F, so I’m on the cusp of millennial to genX, depending on who’s definition you’re using. (I generally claim the Oregon Trail generation, personally.) I prefer mid-rise curvy-cut jeans, either straight leg or boot-cut depending on the shoes I’m wearing with them. (I default to boot cut, because the shoes I’d normally wear with straight leg jeans also work with boot cut, but the reverse is not true.) I only wear skinny jeans if I’m deliberately tucking them into my winter boots AND will not be changing into other footwear when I get to my destination. All my jeans are Old Navy, they used to be the Sweetheart cut, which I believe is now Mid-Rise Curvy. They do come in skinny, straight and boot-cut, and they’re the only jeans in my price range that I’ve been able to find that fit my waist and hips at the same time, so someone is gonna have to pry them out of my cold dead fingers and I will cry if they ever discontinue them to a point where I can’t find them again. (In fact I think I still have three unworn pairs stashed in my drawer just in case. :P )

      I do really like the super wide stovepipe jeans, but it’s been a hot minute since I had jeans that were that wide-legged, and I’m not sure that even if I could find them, that wearing them that way wouldn’t make me look like I was desperately trying to pretend I’m not 40. Haha.

      1. Alaska_Blue*

        You’ve just inspired me to try Old Navy jeans and I am delighted to discover that they offer photos of the jeans on a size 4 model and a size 14 model for the version I am looking at. What a wonderful way to help shoppers decide!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh, good! They do run small, I will say. I’m a 6 in Old Navy and a 10 or so for most other brands.

            1. Alaska_Blue*

              Yes, I found they ran large, even using their sizing chart. But the good news is on the second attempt I found a pair that fit and ordered two additional pair in the right length from the website. Yay jeans that fit! Now if I can just donate those aspirational jeans currently in my closet….

    9. Analyst Editor*

      Early 30s woman.
      I hated the ultra low rise trend when I was in middle and high school; in couldn’t find any pants to wear that would stay on and not have a huge extra gap between waist band and butt.
      Likewise with the later style of skinny jeans; the very skinny jeans never looked good on me and often I couldn’t even fit in them.
      I like mid-rise flares and straight leg, or skinny ish but not super tight.

    10. Disco Janet*

      As a high school teacher, the whole “Gen Z hates skinny jeans” thing is definitely more of an online thing from people looking to stir up a debate than an actual real life thing Gen Z cares about. Yes, many of my students do wear flared pants styles that I haven’t worn since the 90s and am not interested in repeating. But they care not what bit about what style of pants old people wear. (Yes, I know I’m not actually old. But in the eyes of a teenager, I’m old enough that they really don’t care or think about what I’m wearing.)

      I’m a Millennial and prefer skinny jeans. My legs are the skinniest part of me, so I prefer to wear pants that accentuate that.

    11. Just a PM*

      Mid-millennial (31F) here. It took me a REALLY long time to adapt to skinny jeans. I didn’t wear them till about 3-4 years ago when StitchFix sent me a pair in their monthly box. I always thought I had the wrong body shape to pull them off. Now they’re the only jeans I wear. Usually mid-rise, at or below belly button, but lately high-rise because I’ve got a muffin top now (thanks, COVID!). I have meaty thighs so straight leg tends to be flare-like on me and I’m also an in-between height where short length is too short but regular is too long and I’m too lazy to hem jeans. I prefer skinny because cold air doesn’t blow up my legs in colder weather, bottoms don’t drag & fray or get wet, and rolling up the bottoms in warmer weather makes me look somewhat fashionable.

      I remember the JNCO jeans from the late 90s/early 00s. I didn’t have any JNCOs myself but I did have the flares that were wide enough to cover your whole foot. I kinda want Gen Z to bring back the gauchos so I can get some for work and be business formal without wearing a skirt.

    12. Not A Manager*

      Old as dirt (mid-50’s), F.

      Mid-rise, straight leg or skinny jean. Okay with a slight boot cut. Any wash. No high rise, no wide leg, no flare.

      1. Jay*

        Older than you – I’m 60, so tail-end Boomer. Took me a while (and a massive weight loss) to put on a pair skinny jeans. They’re not my favorite but I do wear them. My preference is trouser cut or straight-leg. I used to love boot-cut; they don’t flatter my current shape. Definitely either mid-rise or high-rise. I have medium, dark, and light-wash at the moment. I draw the line at distressed.

          1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

            Ahem, older than most dirt boomer, early 70s. I was addicted to Chic jeans from K-Mart for so many years, and now I’m trying to find any u like as well. Being on the pudgy side, I don’t tuck shirts in, so I’ve been wearing elastic-waist pants of all kinds for years. Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. I discovered stretchy slim-fits about four years ago and love them – they were the last Chic ones I got before K-Mart tanked. I was so sick of pants that bagged in the butt and thigh. But I have one pair of wide-leg lightweight jeans that I like a lot – they remind me of what I happily wore half a century ago.

    13. CTT*

      Early 30sF, prefer straight-legged jeans with a mid-rise.

      I am still haunted by the bottoms my flare jeans in high school getting wet in the rain and staying damp and muddy all day.

      1. SoloKid*

        LOL I saw an ad for flare jeans with the heel area pre-cut/ripped. We had to earn that in high school!

    14. ten four*

      Okay so my theory is that the whole “Hey Millennials! Skinny jeans are for OLDZ” thing was a marketing scheme. I read a few years ago that clothes manufacturers were getting frustrated that skinny jeans were so popular that new styles were hard to launch and sell. So hire a bunch of Gen Z kids to make some TikToks and get some trend pieces out there and boom: style story!

      I resisted skinny jeans for years and stuck with my mid-to-low rise flares. Now in my early forties I pretty much just wear Old Navy’s Rock Star mid-rise skinny jeans, which are super comfy and flattering and the only jeans I can order online and be confident that fit! I dug out an old pair of flares and turns out I also still like those. I contain multitudes.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I absolutely believe this because as far as I can tell, most Gen Z don’t care in the slightest what Millennials are wearing.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if this was true, Instagram & Tiktok etc has just beocme a giant marketplace really.

    15. violet04*

      43F. I only wear high waist skinny jeans. I used to wear flares and boot cuts. On me, I find those style of jeans look best with a bit of a heel, so I had different pairs hemmed for different heel heights. I’m only 5’0″ so it was challenging finding petite lengths that worked for me.

      I don’t wear heels any more. I prefer skinny jeans because they work well with flats. I like the high waist because I carry my weight in my belly and the higher rise holds everything in. All my tops are on the longer side that cover the waistband. I hate tucking in tops.

    16. Courageous cat*

      34F, Millennial, 100% skinny jeans. Haha. I like the cropped, SLIGHTLY wider jeans you can find at places like Madewell, but even if I bought some I would wear them so little. I feel like skinny jeans are the ultimate versatile jean and will never go out of style again.

      I would never wear straight, bootcut, or flare at this point. Too much of my childhood

      1. Courageous cat*

        Oh, and high-rise only. The higher the better. It makes my short corgi legs look less short.

    17. SoloKid*

      Mid 30’s (I guess I’m an older millenial but I feel oddly at home with the zoomer generation too.)
      I have two favorite pairs of jeans – flare leg and skinny. It’s how I feel in individual pairs and how they work with outfits that makes me love them, not the fit themselves.
      TBH though I’ve been overweight my whole life so I’ve learned to like whatever doesn’t give me an extreme muffin top or camel toe and I let the leg style do their thing from there.

    18. Dark Macadamia*

      30s millennial. I was all about the low rise flares as a teen but definitely wouldn’t wear them now! Most of adulthood I’ve worn bootcut and still like them. I actually never tried skinny jeans until the first time I was in plus sizes but it’s the only kind I’ve worn for the past year or two, I was surprised how much I like them! Hated the one straight leg pair I tried.

    19. Llellayena*

      39F, so Gen-X/millennial. Ideally, I would be getting “at the hip” boot cut jeans, but I can only find “at the waist” so that’s what I wear. Unfortunately, a have a very short torso, so “at the waist” also means “touching the ribs.” God forbid I should try on high rise jeans, they compete with my bra!

      1. Another workerbee*

        You could go for “ultra-high rise (yes they exist) add some shoulder straps and just make it your look. Wait those are overalls…

    20. Yellow Warbler*

      Midforties/Gen X, also wear as low-rise as I can find. I feel panicked with waistbands squeezing my torso. It gives me a stomachache even when they fit correctly.

      I also read that story, and people on fashion forums are saying that it’s intended to try to force older shoppers to feel shame/unfashionable so they buy more. Historically, younger people are more impressionable and easier to manipulate into following trends.

    21. OyHiOh*

      Midrise, boot cut, classic wash or dark wash, or straight up “jeggings” style skinny jeans

      My body shape is a factor in my preferences. For visual reference, my body shape is close to Serena Williams – wide hips, muscular thighs, wide muscular calves. Straight leg jeans just look badly fitted on me (so do most casual capris, for that matter). I never really liked jeans until I discovered boot-cut as a teen and finally could wear jeans that didn’t stick to my calves and slowly crawl towards my knees. Stretchy skinny jeans will also do because they conform to body shape instead of rubbing and sticking where they shouldn’t. I’m pretty comfortable with my body and what my legs can do – put me on a bike and I can eat up hills all day long – so it’s not a matter of hiding or camoflaging things I don’t like, and just about how fabrics sit on my shape.

    22. Buni*

      44F: straight leg, preferably black but definitely dark, high waisted (but NOT high rise per se).

      My biggest problem is that I personally have a really high waist, but a ridiculously short inside leg (I have…tall hips? No idea what’s going on there…). Trousers are either 6″ short of my natural waist (where I have to have them sit) OR massively over-long OR getting further up me than my gyno ever did. I loathe trouser shopping…

    23. Liz*

      Im 36 and I really like the high waisted 90s “mom” jeans that are back in right now. I grew up with them, and they are comfy. It’s either that or leggings with an oversize tee. I have a long torso, wide hips, and thick thighs, so skinny jeans tend to roll down and bunch around my legs. Supposedly we Millenials love skinny jeans, but i guess im an outlier because they make my legs look like overstuffed sausages!

    24. Oxford Comma*

      GenX: mid rise, dark wash. Prefer straight leg, flare is fine. Will occasionally wear boot cut. I have skinny jeans but I don’t find them flattering.

    25. PT*

      36F, I have skinny jeans, but I generally try to stay reasonably in style, so I’ll replace them when it is time to move on to another style of jeans.

      I feel too old for anything super trendy so if we go back to giant bell bottoms or JNCO-type pants, I will not be participating.

    26. Janne*

      I’m a young millennial (24F). I wear skinny or straight jeans. An advantage of skinny jeans is that I can tuck them into high shoes and nobody notices that the jeans are too short on me. I need a 34″ inseam, but they are hard to find and often more expensive, so I go for 32″ and high top Converse. :’)

      I like dark wash with a bit of distress but no holes, partly because the colour and the pattern of the distress hide any dirty spots so I have to wash less often.

      I don’t like the bottoms of my jeans sloshing against each other when I walk, so I won’t wear jeans with a wide leg. Some straight jeans are too wide for my liking already. I might try some 80s style jeans that are roomy all over but kind of narrow at the ankle, if I can find them in an interesting colour or pattern. These jeans also seem to have come in style again and they look fun and comfy.

    27. Can't Sit Still*

      GenX: super high rise, mild preference for straight leg or small boot cut, clean hems, mildly distressed, medium to light medium wash or faded black.

      Low rise jeans sit below the widest part of my hips, so they fall right off. Mid rise jeans sit right at the widest part of my hips, so if there is any stretch at all, off they go, while super high rise stays put (I think technically mid rise fits me like a low rise should and high rise is actually mid rise on me.) I prefer straight leg or a small boot cut, but skinny jeans have their place, too. I usually wear skinny jeans interchangeably with leggings. Wide leg jeans feel like I’m wearing a long denim skirt; too heavy and too much fabric flapping around my ankles. OTOH, I strongly prefer wide leg pants in general.

      I am tired of jeans with holes in them and “raw” hems, but I do like embellished jeans. More embroidery, please!

    28. Elizabeth West*

      Gen X, I LOVE skinny jeans, and I prefer a higher rise. Not necessarily mom jeans, but not low-rise, blech.

    29. Clisby*

      67F, Baby Boomer, mid-rise, straight-leg. Will take boot cut if it’s a good price at the thrift store.

    30. Generic Name*

      I’m 41, I have a side part, and I have a teenager, so I’m officially old. (I guess) I actually miss a lot of 90s fashion. Back when jeans were actually comfortable because they were roomy. And you could actually put stuff in your pockets. Where can I find high waisted wide leg jeans?

      1. RagingADHD*

        This season, you can find them in the junior’s section at Target. My tween just got some.

      2. Charlotte Lucas*

        Yes, let’s talk about pockets! I miss decent pockets in jeans! (I really, really miss the multi- pocketed pants I had in high school in the 80s. This was pre-cargo pants time, but pockets were everywhere back then.)

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          A little side tangent, this nonsense of no pockets on womens clothes starts so young. All of my 8 month old’s clothes that have pockets (hoodies, sweatpants, overalls) are actually from the boys section. I mean a baby doens’t need pockets any way but do baby boys clotehs have pockets and girls’ doesnt. make this make sense -___-

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            Not related to jeans, but many of the dresses & jackets from Dress Barn have pockets (real, useable ones!), which I love.

    31. MEH*

      I’m 49, F-ish, and I gave up on jeans in my late twenties. I was standing in a dressing room with a dozen pair of jeans in all different sizes, nearly in tears because none of them fit, but in different ways for each pair. My boyfriend at the time was waiting outside, hours later after we started, with his three pairs of jeans that he didn’t even have to try on, and I was done.

      The relief I felt in never trying on another pair of jeans was amazing. I switched to pants my mother brings me from Taiwan and other flowy pants, and I have never looked back.

    32. PollyQ*

      Yes, I think it’s *very* generational. (Me: 54F/GenX) My preference for jeans is the style that was popular when I was in HS in the early 80’s is Levi’s 501: straight leg (but not skinny), medium rise waist. You know, normal jeans. ;-)

      1. allathian*

        501’s never fit me, but I loved 510s in my late teens. I actually got my first summer job because I wanted Levi’s and my mom wouldn’t pay for them. When I hit 20, I still wore my Levi’s but I quit caring about fashion.

        Even though I’m fat, I like my jeans with a bit of stretch to them. They aren’t skinny fit, but not wide either. And the pockets must be usable. Definitely high rise for me, because it keeps my belly in check. I never tuck anything into my jeans, so my waistline is hidden by my top.

      2. Christmas Carol*

        F 60 something, late boomer. 501s are THE jean, all the others are just derivatives. Just wish I still had the body to fit in them, sigh. That said, I remember in high school when we bought our jeans “shrink to fit” would by them new, wash them in hot water, and put them on wet and let them dry perfectly molded to out bodies. There was an old, very improper on lots of levels joke that went “His jeans are so tight you can tell what religion he is” In high school, we girls used to carry pliers in our purses so we could zip our jeans back up after restroom visits.

    33. Alex*

      I’m a cusp GenX/Millennial depending on who you ask, and while my current favorite is skinny, it took me a long time to come around to them. I definitely used to be a boot cut girl.

      Rise is weird for me, since my actual waist is kind of high, so high rise is mid rise and mid rise is low rise and low rise is indecent. As long as my butt crack stays inside I’m good with whatever rise.

    34. Holly the spa pro*

      Im 35f so an older millenial and i hated low rise jeans back in the day. Im a mid-rise boot cut type now. However, in jr high/high school i lived for JNCOs (where is the jnco crowd in this thread?). I would love for huge, baggy pants like those to come back around. That is the kind of midlife crisis i would like to have.

    35. Turtlewings*

      36F/Old Millenial, high-rise boot cut FTW. I refuse to wear skinny or tapered jeans.

    36. Amity*

      38f/older millennial , and I love my skinny jeans! It took me a while to get with that trend but I feel they fit my body type best. I’m short (5’2) and curvy, so they accentuate the curves in my hip area. They also don’t drag on the ground like other styles do (even the petite ones are too long). I’ll wear any color, shade, or wash, but won’t do distressed.

    37. RussianInTexas*

      42, female, same! Mid-rize, never high-rise, I carry a belly and large chest, couple with being short, so high rise feels right under the boobs and tends not to fit anyway around the waist.
      I like skinny jeans with flats of all seasons and sneakers, and straight or bootcut with some kind of a heel.
      I can’t do wide leg, I look like a rectangle in them.

    38. Potatoes gonna potate*

      35, female.

      HS-baggy saggy mens jeans (for “modesty”)

      College – low rise, the lower the better. I hated the feeling of any compression on my stomach.

      Eventually skinny jeans but still low rise.

      Now that I’m older, and esp after having a C-section I find I need compression and tightness on my midsection, I feel weird without it. So anything I wear has to be high rise; if it’s loose fit, I wear a shaping garment underneath. My favorite would be high rise skinny jeans BUT given the body type I have always had, which is apple shape, lots of weight in my stomach, I could never find anything that would fit my waist/stomach and not be saggy in the hips/butt/thighs. The closest that came were a pair from Eloquii but I still find them a tad loose around my hips. I wore maternity jeans the day I found out I was pregnant and it’s like a whole new world opened up. Torrid recently released a new fit thats cut generously in the stomach/waist and it fits perfectly on my legs nad waist.

    39. Another workerbee*

      I’m solid GenX. Mid rise only! Everything else is not comfortable. Otherwise straight or boot cut. The skinny jeans remind me of what we called peg jeans when I was in school. Pre-stretch-jeans days. Some had ankle zippers. Some were also acid washed. They were bad.

    40. AcademiaNut*

      Mid 40s. Hate low rise jeans with a passion and always have, as they give me a muffin top and make it hard to buy comfy underwear. Skinny jeans are uncomfortable. I prefer Mid rise jeans, straight leg, standard length, bit of spandex in the fabric, and pockets deep enough to be useful.

    41. overeducated*

      Mid-30s millennial. I have one pair of mid-rise skinny jeans and two boot cut from a Buy Nothing group (not something I would have purchased, but they fit and were free). But before covid I was more of a dress person, and now that I don’t have to dress nicely for work below the waist, I’m a full-on athleisure convert. It seems bike shorts may be fashionable or at least acceptable now and I’m SO ready for that this summer, even though early 2000s teenage me would be horrified. I have also gone for the at-home clipper pixie cut, so I don’t have a side part, I must just be transcendently cool!

    42. RagingADHD*

      GenX

      I’m not going to make fun of skinny jeans, but I wouldn’t wear them because they look terrible on me.

      I like a straight leg or bootcut, mid to high rise.

      My real favorite is trouser style jeans with a wide leg, very dark wash. Those are the only pair I really look sharp in. The others are just okay.

    43. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m Gen X and the only thing I really insist on in jeans is a mid rise or the kind that are lower in the front. The way I’m shaped the high rise kind cut into my lungs (well it feels like it anyway) when I sit down, and low rise feels like it’s going to fall off. Most of my jeans are boot cut or skinny because that’s what was available. The only kind I don’t like are flares or the distressed variety.

    44. jeans*

      35F (elder Millenial). I prefer low rise lightly flared jeans, dark wash. I’ll wear skinny jeans w/ a blazer when I want to look professional, and I’m told they look great on me, but they’re v. uncomfortable for evening / weekend wear.

    45. Jennifer*

      me: 53, female, bike commuter, been lifting weights a lot this pandemic, but I’ve always been pretty muscular I prefer mid-rise, straight-leg, “make my ass look OK” jeans. Also, I require adequate pockets, as I prefer riding around without having to carry a bag for purposes of my phone, credit card, and keys.

      We had a Patagonia “worn wear” store open in town for a bunch of months, and I took my then-15-year old there to get a couple pairs of (barely) used jeans. He promptly outgrew the smaller pair, and I inherited them. I’m not sure I’m going to purchase anything else. The pockets are big enough to safely hold a (smallish) phone — even the front pockets! The legs are straight enough to comfortably ride a bike with, without having to use a tie or perform strange maneuvers to keep the cuffs out of the chain. They wear really, really well, and (unlike the women’s pair I bought, which fit the first time but then required a belt) they don’t stretch out over the course of the week or two.

      Otherwise, I take myself down to our fancy-town thrift store and work my way through everything in my size until I find some combination of fit in the hips, waist, rear, and thigh that I can live with. I also have longish legs, so having things be pre-shrunk is really a blessing.

    46. Cedrus Libani*

      I’m 34F/Millennial. You’d have to pry my boot cut, mid-rise, light stretch jeans off my cold dead legs.

      I find high-rise less comfortable when sitting, especially as those are usually intended for “tummy control”. Low-rise does not come over my hips, so there’s nothing to hold it up…so I’m obliged to pull them up every five seconds, and that’s obnoxious.

      I am tall and not especially thin; skinny jeans make me look like a blue turnip. But large flares / wide legs swish around and catch on things. Boot cut is just enough to help with the proportions issue without creating a trip hazard.

      Dark wash please; it’s Silicon Valley business attire.

    47. londonedit*

      I’m nearly 40 (so either the oldest of old Millennials or one of those in-between types, depending on which measures you use). I pretty much only wear skinny jeans. I don’t think it’s a generational thing, though, more a body shape thing – my thighs and hips are disproportionately large, so if I wear straight-leg jeans they really cling to my thighs and then do a weird flaring-out thing at the bottom, and it just looks really odd and unflattering. If I wear skinny jeans, you can at least see that my lower legs are reasonably slim and have some shape! My legs are also proportionally shorter than my torso, and I find skinny jeans make them look a bit longer. I do also like a high waist – for years I was dead against them, but I now find they help to hold everything in and give me a smoother shape!

  31. Hairy Problem*

    I have an ingrown hair in one armpit that I just cannot get rid of. It’s been a problem for years. I’ve tried exfoliating, different shaving creams, different razors, etc. but I always end up getting an irritated lump and have to pry the hair out with a needle (which is very awkward and hard to do because of the location). I finally went to the dermatologist, and they told me the only way to get rid of it would be laser hair removal. That’s expensive, even for a small area like armpits, so I was thinking of looking into home use laser removal tools instead. Does anyone have any brand suggestions or experience they can share?

    1. NeonFireworks*

      Looking into similar things because I get bad ingrown hairs on the backs of my legs. So far, I’ve heard the best things about Kenzzie.

    2. A313*

      No experience, but only because I have light skin and light hair. The lasers work best with contrast, ie dark hair on light skin. Have you tried an epilator? It yanks the hair out by the root, so that when it grows back in, the tip isn’t blunted as it is when razor-cut, and so it’s less likely to be able to penetrate skin as it grows and become ingrown.

    3. Pennyworth*

      Have you tried waxing? Doing it yourself is quite easy (make sure the wax is not too hot) and ripping the hair out by the roots might solve the problem of the ingrown hair. I also found that fewer hairs actually grow back at all. I have basically hairless armpits now.

    4. Too much hair*

      I apologize for not answering the laser question, but could you do electrolysis instead? If it’s just a few hairs, a quick appointment, say 10 minutes, would take care of that misbehaving hair (you’d maybe have to go in a second time if it’s particularly recalcitrant) and that shouldn’t cost all that much, especially if you explain to the technician what you’re trying to accomplish. I live in an area of high COL and pay $45 for 30 minutes and I wouldn’t think you’d need anywhere near that much time to just do a few hairs.

      1. The cat’s ass*

        I used the tria home laser system for my face, chin, neck and pits. The hair- some of it-ultimately grew back but much wispier. It cost $450 and is good for 9000 pulses and then the battery dies and can’t be recharged, which was annoying. It stings a little on sensitive spots but that was outweighed by the benefit of doing it myself in my own home for not a huge amount of $.

    5. Cedrus Libani*

      If you’re sure it’s the same hair, you can have it removed via electrolysis. If you can get a needle in it, you can buy home electrolysis kits for $40 – it’s obnoxiously slow, but if you have limited ambitions and just want to zap that one problem hair, it does work.

      FWIW, I can’t shave my pits; I’m ferociously prone to ingrown hairs, the whole thing gets infected. Tried everything. I bought a $400 home laser device, which did nothing, even though I used it every two weeks for a solid year. I bought the aforementioned electrolysis kit, which I quickly decided was insane, but I did use it on some stray hairs elsewhere with success. I was halfway through a package of real laser when the pandemic hit. Their estimate of ~10% reduction per treatment seems accurate, though I am a very good candidate – pale skin, dark hair. I’ll likely have to buy a second package to get the full no-shave result.

      For now, I just use clippers. No guard, just give it a buzz cut.

    6. AllieMiles*

      I don’t have anything to share on the at home laser, but I admit to being curious about laser hair removal. What’s the typical cost for armpits or legs? Do the at home ones really work? I saw some service advertised on Facebook and the price was in the thousands, but “70% off!” Then you had to enter your email to find out how many sessions were required and I noped out of that.

  32. Not Alison*

    I’m scheduled to get my first pfizer vaccine this week. I’ve been getting conflicting advice about what to do if there is any pain from it.
    One friend said take tylenol before the shot, the other said not to take it until at least 5 hours after the shot. A third said to take ibuprofin not tylenol.
    Any medical people out there who know what the correct answer is? Thanks.

    1. ThatGirl*

      From what I’ve heard, don’t take any anti-inflammatory drugs beforehand because they can suppress the immune response a little. Painkillers afterward are fine, per the cdc.

    2. Reba*

      I got the shot last week! The provider encouraged me to take acetaminophen or
      ibuprofen and didn’t mention anything about a waiting period.
      Unless you are really sensitive, the shot itself is just a normal feeling injection so I wouldn’t worry about pre-dosing. YAY for you!

    3. Disco Janet*

      I’ve had my shot (both doses) and got advice from a cousin who is high up in the medical field. Don’t take pain medicine before your shot. Afterwards, you can take something when/if you start to feel pain. She suggested taking Tylenol that night after getting the shot and said it would help the next day go better for me.

    4. Bluebell*

      I was told that I should only take a painkiller afterwards if I really needed it. I had the shot at 8am, and when I woke up the next morning, my arm still felt sore and heavy, so I took 2 ibuprofen.

    5. Choggy*

      I just got the Pfizer shot yesterday, no side effects and my arm isn’t even sore! I did let my arm hang limp so as not to tense up my muscles. Hubby received the Moderna shot and had some side effects after the second shot.

    6. Julianna*

      Definitely don’t take anti-inflammatories before the shot. That suppresses the immune reaction.

    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      CDC documentation says after: “If you have pain or discomfort after getting your vaccine, talk to your doctor about taking an over-the-counter medicine, such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen” (emphasis mine). My google search terms were “cdc guidelines pfizer vaccine”.

      Link follows in a reply so that this gets posted without going into moderation first.

    9. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I had my first Pfizer shot today. I usually take Tylenol every day for arthritis, but didn’t before my mid-day shot (I slathered on Bio-freeze so I could walk). I took my Tylenol in the car right afterward. I had read that it would be okay to take it before the shot IF you usually take it daily, but I thought I’d give it a miss to give the shot its best chance.

    10. comityoferrors*

      As others said, don’t take painkillers before the shot. Immediately after your shot (ideally while you’re waiting for any allergic reaction), rub the heck out of your arm. Give the area around the injection site a thorough massage for a few minutes. That will help move the injection through your tissue and should prevent a lot of the pain. That’s not unique to this vaccine, so sorry if that’s well-known already – I’ve met a lot of people who weren’t aware, and it is really so simple and effective that it’s my first line of defense for any shot.

      If you do have pain or swelling afterwards, use Ibuprofen/Advil. Ibuprofen provides relief for inflammation (which is what happens if your arm reacts to the shot), and Tylenol doesn’t do much for that. NB: Because Tylenol is much more widely-used, I can’t not mention that Ibuprofen should NOT be taken if you’re on blood thinners or steroids. Both painkillers have adverse affects on the body and if you’re not sure about your personal safety with either of them, please, please, please talk to your doctor first.

      That said, I would skip painkillers unless you really need them. Tylenol and Advil are both fever reducers in addition to painkillers. Fevers in adults aren’t dangerous (***unless you’re at 104 F or staying at 103 F for extended periods – then you go to the ER) and are typically a sign that your body is working hard to defend you. It’s a really important process in immune response. You’ll still be protected if you take painkillers, just like you’ll still be protected if you have zero side effects at all (fingers crossed for you!), but IMO it just makes sense to let your body do its thing until you need intervention.

      Just my two cents. It’s very likely that you’ll have minimal or no side effects, so hopefully you’ll be prepared but not need it. I wish you a fast, easy vaccination process, and a fast, easy recovery!

  33. Extending family*

    TL;DR – Has anyone ever asked you to donate sperm to them? Please tell me about it!

    My spouse and I (both cis women) are interested in having a baby soon and are preparing to ask a friend if he would donate sperm for us. Last week I got some great insights from parents and parents-to-be who had considered or used known sperm donors, and this week I’d love to hear from people who have been asked to be known donors for friends or family.

    If this is you: What do you consider when making your decision? What went well, and is there anything you wish had gone differently in the conversations before or after your decision? If you donated, what was the process and how burdensome did it feel? How did your relationship change during the course of all this?

    Any details or reflections from your experiences that you’d like to share are welcome! Please note that we’re lucky to live in a state that has a simple process for establishing legal parentage in the courts, so the donor really, truly will not have any parental/custodial rights or responsibilities in this instance (though advice/considerations you have on this front would be applicable to other readers with a similar question but in a dissimilar state). Thanks in advance!

  34. Tara S*

    Which vaccine would you get (with the caveat that none of this is medical advice, etc)? I know the line is to get whichever one is available the fastest and not to hold out for a particular one, but weirdly, all three (Moderna, Pfizer, J&J) are available in my area and appointments are not hard to come by, even starting just next week. So I actually have a choice.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Moderna and Pfizer are essentially the same. Their biggest downside is needing the booster/second shot. The J&J is also very good, it’s just a different kind of vaccine. And honestly it’s hard to compare it’s efficacy with the other two because things changed between trials, it’s not apples to apples. They all prevent severe disease and death. Given the choice today I’d probably take the J&J to be done with it, but you can’t really go wrong.

    2. Barb*

      Pfizer and Moderna have better efficacy than J&J it seems and more real world data and doses given with excellent safety

      I’d pick Pfizer over Moderna bc you’ll be protected sooner since the doses are only 3 wks apart rather than 4

      However if you have reason to think you’ll have a hard time getting the 2nd dose, go with the one dose J&J

      I am actually a physician and have received the Pfizer vaccine, my husband got the Moderna

      I have no financial relationship with any pharmaceutical company

      1. Person from the Resume*

        That was my decision process too. Pfizer and Moderna have the same high efficacy. Pfizer gets me the second dose of vaccine 1 week faster.

        Tbh my biggest factor, though, was the mass drive through vaccine site most convenient to me was offering Pfizer on the first date available.

        I was going to try to avoid the J&J because it’s efficacy is lower, but I was getting my appointment ASAP and if I didn’t have the option to know in advance I was just going To go and get whatever they offered.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Pfizer. Tied for most effective with Moderna, but slightly better chance of not having side effects plus you’ll be protected more quickly.

      1. CTT*

        I live in Tennessee, and my friends and I have decided the first thing we’re doing when it’s safe is going to Dollywood as a pilgrimage/celebration.

    5. Courageous cat*

      I’m getting Moderna next weekend and am very excited about it.

      I know the rhetoric is “all the vaccines are equally great, get them” – but J&J prevents death/hospitalization where the other two prevent symptomatic illness. My concern at my age is long COVID, not just death/hospitalization. So, I’m sorry public health officials, but the 66% (or whatever, something like that) efficacy of J&J does not deeply excite me. I’d take it if nothing else was available, but since I have the choice, I’m not going to.

      (If they want people fully on board with the J&J vaccine, they need to not just focus the messaging around “it’s just as good”, but to explain *why* it’s just as good, given the difference in the numbers.)

      1. peasblossom*

        The first part of your response is very misleading; it makes it sound as if J&J only prevents deaths but doesn’t prevent the illness and vice versa. That’s just not true. For a number of reasons that public health officials have indeed explained, comparing the efficacy rates of the three vaccines is misleading because they were developed under different circumstances (including with trials that included new variants as is the case with J&J). And, moreover, because they all help mitigate spread, they all reduce the chance of long covid–as long as people get vaccinated.

        It’s fine if you’re already scheduled for Moderna and are excited about it, but this narrative of avoiding the J&J vaccine is dangerous because it can slow down the vaccination rate and (ironically) increase everyone’s risk of long covid.

        1. Courageous cat*

          I mean; that’s the narrative that’s going around. J&J prevents ICU and hospitalizations, whereas the other two prevent that *and* symptomatic illness. It’s cool if you don’t believe me because I’m not going to bother providing sources, but I promise you that info is out there in spades, and if there’s a failure in communication, it’s not me for not being a scientist – it’s those controlling the messaging.

      2. Dan*

        I have to deal with safety and risk as part of my job. While what I do isn’t health care related, the stuff I work with is high profile and makes headlines when it, ahem, “goes wrong”. The governments of multiple nations can get involved depending on where these things happen.

        What I’ve learned is that we, as people, are very, very good at assessing relative risk, but we are very, very terrible at assessing absolute risk.

        Case in point: If J&J was the only vaccine out there, would you take it? I assume you would. So why would you *not* take it if it’s available *right now* in its full efficacy? J&J only “looks bad” because there are others that are perceived as better.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Beeeecause… there are others that are better? I hear you but I’m not really sure how else to answer that. Your question doesn’t seem to change my point.

      3. Christmas Carol*

        I understood it that J&J is less effective in preventing asymptomatic infections, not symptomatic illness. That said, because my dearest is a cancer patient, I’m going to try to hold out for either Moderna or Pfizer. While I am worried about contacting a serrious case of the virus and dying, I am even more worried concerned about contracting a mild case passing it along, and killing him. A silent infection in me would be deadly for my fella.

    6. Always Late to the Party*

      I would take J&J for a few reasons – first is that part of the clinical trial was done in South Africa when one of the more infectious strains was prevalent.

      If I was someone who had to be exposed to people for w*rk I would want the J&J because you’re getting the full efficacy of the vaccine sooner. Theoretically, case rates should go down as more people are vaccinated, so I would rather be fully vaccinated with 66% efficacy sooner, than 95% efficacy later when rates of infection are lower, since all three have similar efficacy at preventing hospitalization/death. (I believe there’s some efficacy after the first dose of Moderna/Pfizer also).

      And I haaaate needles so would rather be one and done.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I have read that first part a few times as reasoning why the efficacy is different, and my concern about it is like – well, don’t we want it to be effective against all variants? It’s not like those variants can’t come here, so I just don’t feel like I find that reasoning particularly soothing.

        (This is not directed at you, just at the messaging surrounding it. I find it all kinda confusing to parse.)

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          I was told by a pharmacist that once this initial panic is over, they expect Covid to eventually work like flu shots: they’ll estimate the year’s strains and provide annual boosters accordingly. So keeping up with the variants is never going to be a “once and done” thing.

        2. Old and Don’t Care*

          I guess the point is that Pfizer and Moderna weren’t tested when that variant was in circulation so it’s a data point for J&J but not Pfizer/Moderna. Just speculation.

          1. D'Euly*

            This is it precisely. When we hear “95% vs 66%” and think ah, the one with 95 is that much better, we’re comparing apples to oranges. They were tested under different circumstances, with different populations and variants; the trials used different definitions of what counts as a “case”, etc. We won’t be able to accurately compare efficacy without a head-to-head study.

            1. Dan*

              Yeah… one issue I have with the way mainstream media (and we as lay people) handle numbers is that we produce and consume them in sound bytes. Which by definition means they’re taken out of context and the wrong inferences can easily get made. The flip side is, if we don’t make it simple, then people will miss the overall point.

              And it happens a lot. I review papers in my field from time to time. Most of them are written by PhDs from academia, with little access to subject matter experts. The challenging part is that most of these studies are funded by various government agencies and/or presented when representatives of the government are present.

              When I dig into these papers, a vast majority of the authors don’t understand their findings, and it becomes clear when they try to describe them. They like to come up with a sound byte claim about how well their model performs (nobody seems to present a model that isn’t “the best” in some way).

              The only thing that is really true is that the model they built/the claims they make are 1) Valid for that specific approach, on 2) That data set, 3) With that author’s decision on how to clean the data. The truth is, most papers aren’t done with enough rigor such that one can be compared to another with any validity.

              95% efficacy is great as a sound byte. And right now, as long as there are no net-negative effects, *any* efficacy is better than no efficacy.

    7. Nicki Name*

      It all depends on what’s most important to you. All three vaccines reduce your risk of death from COVID to 0%. J&J will do it faster since it’s only one shot; Pfizer and Moderna may reduce your risk of mild illness more although it’s hard to say exactly how much because their clinical trials mostly happened before any of the more worrying variants started spreading.

    8. ten four*

      According to my cousin who develops vaccines (she’s worked on both Covid-19 and Ebola) Pfizer is slightly better than Moderna because it induces t-cells in addition to antibodies. There is reason to believe that the vaccine offers protection for a longer time as a result. I haven’t gotten any updates on the J&J vaccine.

      To be super clear, her advice is to take whatever vaccine you can get! But since you have a choice Pfizer is her pick.

    9. More Pizza*

      Pfizer-BioNTech would be my choice for the reasons others listed. Although I have a limited understanding and depth of knowledge on this, my takeaway has been that all three vaccines are not necessarily equivalent, but given the supply shortage, taking what you can get is a reasonable approach unless you are prone to allergies for some of the reasons others have already given. The mild cases are not insignificant because they can result in long-term debilitating complications and J&J hasn’t been shown to prevent mild cases – this is what I think I read, and I haven’t fact checked this, so please do your own research. Also, the situation is constantly evolving every day.

    10. Ranon*

      I’d get J&J at this exact moment in my life where childcare is still a thing I’m dealing with as one and done is appealing right now from a logistics stance. Plus they’re running a two shot trial for it right now so if they find out I need a boost I’d get it later, Biden already bought the extra doses. And reactogenicity is lower compared to the other ones which, again, child, needing care, nice to not be laid out by a vaccine. On the efficacy front I’d just give it 4-6 weeks instead of 2 for “full” immunity, they’ve got decent data suggesting with more time the response improves over the study endpoint.

      1. Ranon*

        Also, J&J has had some initial data on asymptomatic transmission that looks pretty promising and again as someone with a kiddo in my house who isn’t likely to have access to vaccination until fall, that’s high on my priority list.

  35. AnonforThis*

    Anyone have suggestions for successful anxiety self help? I’ve dealt with general anxiety for many years but it’s gotten much worse lately. It all stems from things I can’t control. Unfortunately I can’t afford online therapy and all the traditional practices around me have long waitlists. Thanks!

    1. Reba*

      We got a workbook called “the anti-anxiety notebook.” I saw it on instagram but it’s legit! :) Other than the type being small (grumble grumble getting old) it’s very cute and looks like a hardback book. It teaches you the basics of CBT as you go through, and the substance of it is like guided journaling to help you track your thoughts and try out strategies for changing them.

      It’s far from the only CBT workbook, though!

    2. twocents*

      Therapy in a Nutshell on YouTube has a great series on dealing with anxiety. I also like Nick Wignall, who has a website, and I get his weekly newsletter.

    3. sequined histories*

      I recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns. I had a lot of trouble starting certain tasks that made me really anxious. He presents concrete, practical exercises that I was able to do on my own and resolve my anxiety sufficiently to start the task.

    5. Natalie*

      You can often find books and workbooks designed around specific therapeutic modalities – there are tons of mindfulness books and CBT workbooks for example. I’m working through an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy, seriously the worst name) book with a therapist but it was written to be used solo.

      Whatever you choose, the most important thing will be practicing the techniques regularly. It’s easy to read the book but never actually do the work. :)

    6. nep*

      For what it’s worth, in case it resonates at all–Jon Kabat-Zinn did daily meditation and Q & A sessions early on in the pandemic. It just sort of started, many people kept joining, and he stayed at it for months. (Eternally grateful to him for that.) I’m putting a link to one interaction with a participant–not saying it speaks to your situation…just a sample. You can find all of it on YT, including his mediations before the Q & A. I really find his approach powerful and helpful.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4sbyffAz4
      Peace

    7. Freelance Accountant*

      I take zoloft, prescribed by my family doctor (no specialist needed). On the self-help side:
      – long walks (I like to do 5k, which takes about an hour), at least 3 times a week,
      – eat well,
      – weed (it’s legal where I am). It can make some people with anxiety feel worse, but for me a nice indica with high cbd content really helps,
      – prioritizing good sleep and good sleep hygiene. 8.5 hours a night for me,
      – soothing hobbies like reading, puzzles, colouring, gardening, and crafts give my brain something to focus on and get out of my disaster-thinking anxiety loops,
      – meditation helps a lot of people, but it’s not my thing. I get the same benefits from my walks and my hobbies.

      For me, the zoloft helps me enough that I can keep up my good self-care, which in turn means I need only a low dose of meds.

      I recognize that I’m very privileged to be able to spend this much time on self-care. I’m 50 with a good job and no kids.

    8. Flabbernabbit*

      I got a tattoo. Works wonders. It’s on my forearm and an image that reminds me of being a ribbon in the breeze. You can be flexible and move in a bunch of directions but you can’t control the wind. So don’t try, just adjust. If you look up “breathe tattoos” you’ll see that they are popular for a reason. My colleague had one and during a stressful project she confided that if I ever saw her getting wound up just ask her to look at her arm, as she suffered from anxiety. I was gobsmacked because she was the calmest person I knew.

    9. Queer Earthling*

      This may or may not help, but I recently found that sensory/stimmy toys help me a lot when my anxiety is unbearable. I have a chewable necklace (it’s shaped like a spaceship!) and I also have one of those sandbag animal plushies–they’re usually lizards or snakes but mine’s a lobster–and it’s really nice to fidget with when things are Too Much. It’s a short-term “I need to calm down RIGHT NOW” solution, but it’s helped me a lot.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My sister in law, who has suffered from an anxiety disorder and been in therapyand on medication for years, mentioned to me that she began doing deep breathing exercises/meditation. She says it’s helped her a lot; she’s a smart and well informed person so I trust her opinion; I’ll ask her and report here what exactly the method was.

    12. comityoferrors*

      1. Definitely find grounding techniques that work for you. I particularly like the breathing exercise here: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/grounding-techniques-anxiety/ but there are tons of resources if you Google “grounding techniques.” My other favorite, not listed on that site, is to splash your face with cold water; there’s evidence that that actually triggers your nervous system to slow down. As others said, meditation/mindfulness and yoga are also great grounding techniques if you’re up for that.

      2. Work through CBT resources. I haven’t tried the anti-anxiety notebook that Reba mentioned, but it sounds like a great idea. There’s also CBT thought records (like this one: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/thought-record ) that direct you to record and re-frame your thoughts. Here’s a really basic explanation with an example, in case that helps:
      -Situation: the date, where you are, and what’s happening as you have this thought. Ex: 03/14, at home, mid-morning, grey day, just talked to Wakeen
      -Thoughts: whatever thoughts are popping up, in any form (can be full thoughts, scraps of thoughts, images, whatever – you’re not being graded, write anything). Ex: I’ll never finish my work, I can’t catch up, image of my email inbox full red flagged items
      -Emotions: what you’re feeling, both emotionally and physically. Ex: scared, disappointed in myself, tightness in chest, tapping foot, can’t focus
      -Behaviors: what you’re doing to cope with the anxiety; don’t be judgmental of yourself here and don’t be afraid to list both healthy and unhealthy mechanisms if that’s what you’re doing. Ex: scrolling social media, watching my favorite show, deep breathing exercise, drinking wine
      -Alternate thought: reframe your initial thoughts in a way that is realistic and positive, even if you don’t 100% believe it. Ex: I’m doing the best I can, our whole team is overworked right now, I’m not a failure at my job, I can check in with my boss for support and guidance

      The CBT thought record is useful for challenging your anxiety in the moment, for potentially identifying triggering situations afterwards (did the conversation with Wakeen make you anxious? did the gloomy weather intensify your feelings? what can you recognize and prepare for next time?), and for recognizing and more effectively challenging common anxieties you have. The next time you’re stressed about work, you can see how you felt and thought in that previous moment and can reflect on whether your behaviors helped. Even if the anxiety isn’t exactly the same, the thought record makes it easier to use the very best alternate thought (imo) which is: “I feel terrible right now, but I know this feeling will pass.” And you do know that, because you have written proof that you’ve weathered these physical and emotional storms before. It’s a great way to practice checking in with your body and mind and examining your anxious thoughts before they carry you away.

      Sorry for the very long response! I hope you find something helpful in these replies. Good luck!

  37. Green Snickers*

    I’m hoping to find some books/reading (I’d guess this falls under psychology) on why children in the same family can have the same experiences within the family and process them totally differently or view their family in a totally different way? I’ve been talking to a professional for a while but I’m stuck on my older and younger siblings(I’m the middle) being able to form commitments much easier than me(I know this stems from my childhood) and how they view my family as something very different than I do.

    I’ve googled and can’t seem to find anything specifically about this topic (the best I can find is a NYT article from 1987) but I’m hoping it exists out there somewhere!

    1. D3*

      I don’t know if there is anything on this. But my personal thoughts:
      1. People are individuals and respond differently. There doesn’t have to be a reason for that.
      2. Even people in the same family have different experiences. I know the way I parented my first was very different than how I parented my third. In some ways because I’d learned. In some ways because I was tired. Same family, but different parenting. Perspective matters, too. My dad was pretty sexist. I – as a girl – saw that really clearly, where my brothers did not. And still to this day don’t see. WON’T see.
      3. Family experiences are not the only experiences. Growing up there were several extended family members who profoundly impacted me. My youngest brother is 12 years younger, he didn’t know them at all. Similarly, I had a friend’s mother take me under her wing and help me in areas where my mom was failing me. My sisters didn’t have that.
      All those differences color the lenses we see the past through.
      I have to wonder why you’re stuck on trying to understand why they have it “easier” instead of working on your own issues. You definitely don’t have to respond to that here, but it’s something to consider.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I land on “there is no reason.”

        I have two siblings, and we are all so different personality-wise that it would actually be almost more surprising if we did feel the same way about things. And although our upbringings shape us in so many aspects, some things about our different ways of being were pretty much there when we came out.

        That being said, i know it can be *really* distressing when other people remember things differently or even say “that didn’t happen” when for you, it not only happened but is important!

        Best wishes to you, Green.

        1. NeonFireworks*

          Extremely similar. Three kids, WILDLY different personalities and interests. Lots of divergence in terms of which things do and do not bug us.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      Have you looked into books on birth order? You mentioned being in the middle and comparing yourself to your older/younger siblings, so that could be an angle to approach it from if you haven’t already. I don’t know of a particular book, but I’m sure they are out there.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Yes!. Look into reading about “birth order” and the way that it can influence and affect personaliby.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, birth order. A lot of parents are more nervous about the first kid and quite relaxed if they get to kid 3, which makes the kids’ experiences very different. Then there’s the interaction with siblings.

    3. fposte*

      So this makes me think of two things, neither of which is quite what you asked. The first is the notion that every sibling gets different parents, which I think is true; even if your parents’ human deficits were constant, the situational differences are massive.

      The second is an article I’ll link in followup, about a psychiatrist who researches differing responses to trauma, born out of her own experience with an air disaster that haunted her but left her husband with no long-term effects. It’s a Wired piece called “How to Remember a Disaster without Being Shattered by It.” The infinite human variations mean, even in a family, that the same event may not have the same impact.

    5. Not A Manager*

      “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

      Sorry to be ridiculous, but that’s the phrase that came to mind. Your experience in your family of origin is unique. You are unique. A sentence like “children in the same family can have the same experiences within the family” can be interrogated from a multitude of angles.

    6. Clisby*

      Multiple children can’t have exactly the same experience within the family. Even if they have the same parents (i.e., there’s no divorce/death in between child #1 and child #4), there’s no way the experience of a first child is the same as the experience of a fourth child. All kinds of things change. The family moves; there’s a big change in family income; a stay-at-home parent goes back to work; a sibling has a serious medical problem that requires vast parental attention; etc. etc. etc.

      1. Lizzie*

        Two books I particularly like are Families and how to survive them – by John Cleese and Robin Skynner, an old book about the impact of parenting, and They F*uck you up, your mum and dad: how to survive family life – by Oliver James. The latter book has lots of interesting questions to consider at the end of each chapter. I lent the first book to someone years ago and never saw it again but remember it as engaging.

        Think about identical twins – genetically identical, but even so one might have better nutrition in the womb, one might be squashed for space differently to the other etc, so at birth they may be different sizes, then one might feed more easily or get colic, and so on – from the moment of birth they are having different experiences and are being treated slightly differently, and that only continues as they develop. No two children, even identical twins, have the same parenting experiences. Each person is different.
        I hope you enjoy reading about all this stuff!

    7. Second sibling*

      A lot has already been mentioned, and I’m sorry I don’t have a book to recommend, but this could be a factor of genetics and other protective factors.

      For example, depending on which allele you have for selective serotonin reuptake, you may be more or less affective by your environment. In developmental psych, researchers have talked about this as some kids being dandelions and others being orchids.

      Then there’s other protective factors. Your siblings may have been on sports teams or theater groups or other types of clubs that met needs you weren’t getting at home. This could make it so they don’t really view the lack of attention/etc. at home as such a big deal.

  38. New Vaccine Question*

    Vaccine question for people that may know. If important for context, I’m in the US.

    With J&J coming out with a lower overall efficacy rate, there has been a lot of info put out about how you should get whatever shot is first available to you, how the different vaccines were tested differently, how it’s efficacy against severe COVID/hospitalization is really strong (which is great), the benefits/convenience of one shot, etc. All this I get.

    However, what doesn’t seem to be mentioned or addressed (in the info I’ve seen) is the long haulers. Protection against severe COVID is of course incredibly important, but all that focus seems to ignore the fact that even mild COVID can have devasting long term outcomes.

    Wouldn’t it be true that there is still this higher risk of getting COVID in general with J&J (when compared to the other vaccines) and therefore a higher risk of becoming a long hauler?

    I’ll be taking what I’m offered when it’s my turn and I fully understand that the more that are vaccinated, the better protected we all are. I just want to better understand this part of things and, if I do happen to have a choice at my turn, be able to make a more informed decision.

    1. Courageous cat*

      Yes! I just posted a comment about this in the above vaccine thread. Officials act like all we care about is death/hospitalization. At 34, being a long hauler (already not the picture of health as is) would be… pretty damn devastating. They do not address this about J&J and I really, really wish they would, if they wanted people to be equally warm to it.

      So, the answer is I don’t know, but it’s my concern too so I’m getting Moderna. More peace of mind.

    2. Natalie*

      For an individual, this is a comparison of risk: in a hypothetical timeline, say you have the option of getting the J&J vaccine today compared to getting one of the 2 dose vaccines in a 3 months. Essentially, you would incorporate the risk of staying unvaccinated for 3 months in your comparison of which vaccine left you with overall lower risk after vaccination. But you’re multiplying pretty small numbers against other small numbers, so ultimately you’re deciding between 2 low risk options.

      But you’re missing 2 very important factors. One is that all 3 vaccines reduce the likelihood of *any level* of infection and transmission, they’re not only reducing hospitalization rates while having no other effects. They may not reduce that likelihood to zero, but this is not a zero-sum equation.

      The second factor is the public health “problem of the commons” issue. Vaccinated people are less contagious overall, reducing the background risk for all of us. But if everyone decides to wait, that doesn’t happen, and the background risk remains the same.

        1. Natalie*

          How do? Anything that reduces your chance of getting infected at all will also substantially reduce your chance of long covid.

        2. Natalie*

          Bleh, that should have said “how so”. Anyway.

          Back of the envelope math: say the background risk of catching covid in my area is currently 10%. Assuming no personal circumstances that make me less likely to be exposed or infected, my current overall risk of long covid is thus 1%.

          The J&J vaccine reduces that to 0.33%, while the 2-shot series reduces it to 0.1%. And that’s completely ignoring the impact that more vaccinations will lower that background risk and thus the long covid risk.

        3. RagingADHD*

          Yes, it directly addresses the risk of long covid.

          If we stop the thing spreading and it’s not a pandemic anymore, the risk of long covid goes to near zero.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah but that’s way way way down the road. I’m talking about getting the J&J vaccine now when we’re still at roughly 20% vaccinated

            1. ThatGirl*

              Every bit helps. And it still dramatically reduces your chances of getting COVID at all.

              1. Courageous cat*

                Yeah……. but none of that addresses the long COVID question.

                I feel like people get kinda shamed (just in general) for wanting to know the answers to these questions rather than readily accepting the vaccine no questions asked, and I don’t really think that’s fair. Concerns about long COVID if you can get symptomatic illness with the J&J are not entirely unfounded.

                1. fhqwhgads*

                  Natalie explained the math above. At this point, I don’t think there any better way to explain it.

                2. Old and Don’t Care*

                  You seem to have tremendous anxiety about this issue and if Pfizer/Moderna makes you feel better that’s what you should do.

      2. peasblossom*

        Yes, this and indeed all of Natalie’s comments on this thread. Because the vaccines all mitigate spread, they also dramatically reduce the risk of long covid. That’s really the bottom line and the difference in efficacy rates may sound big, but really is minimal.

        It’s also important to consider that the trials for the J&J vaccine were different than Pfizer or Moderna, so comparing the efficacy rates isn’t especially helpful and can be very misleading. Link to a fairly clear article on this in the reply.

        2. fposte*

          Yes, this is a really important point. Statements about what each vaccine can do are based on what they’ve been tested to do; that doesn’t mean they don’t do other things, just that claims have to be limited to the testing. This time next year we’ll have *so* much more information.

    3. sswj*

      The overall efficacy is a bit lower as tested on the original strain(s). But that’s not the whole story:
      – The J&J appears to potentially have better rates against the new variants than either of the other two
      – The efficacy rates are lower but are by no means useless. They actually are similar to efficacy rated of flu vaccines. In any other scenario they would be considered good
      – The single shot ensures faster immunity, fewer doses needed overall, and there’s no worry about someone only getting a single dose.

      I got the J&J on Weds and had zero ill effects, beyond an achy arm for a couple of hours. As far as I can see there’s isn’t much of a downside to it, if any at all.

    4. Anono-me*

      My concern with the J&J vaccine is the higher risk contracting a mild case and then transmitting it other more vulnerable people.

      But maybe my idea will work for you. I intend to take the first vaccine available. The news reports show that there will be a vaccine glut at the end of the summer. If I get the J&J vaccine; if there is a glut and if it is medically sound; I plan to look at a second vaccine that will reduce my risk of contracting covid at all.

      Maybe you look into the same.

      1. Janne*

        If there were vaccines in excess and everybody in my country had been vaccinated, I’d really want these vaccines to go to people in poorer countries that otherwise would not be able to get the vaccines. But that’s a whole other discussion.

        And something else to consider: they still don’t know if the covid vaccine needs to be a recurring thing like the flu vaccine. It could be that next year you get a new vaccine to boost your immunity against new variants. I think that would make it less useful to take a second vaccine in addition to your J&J vaccine, because you’d know that in a bit you’d get a better second vaccine already.

      2. Courageous cat*

        I mean, that’s my concern – if you could take J&J when available then a more effective vaccine later, I would totally do that. But no one has come out and said that’s safe to do yet, afaik.

        1. Natalie*

          There’s no real reason to think it wouldn’t be safe? All vaccines work by stimulating your immune system to start a natural process of developing antibodies and recognizing a particular microbe. The vaccine ingredients themselves don’t stick around in your body or anything. People get the TDaP every pregnancy even if their last shot is still good, for example.

          There’s also a reasonable chance that this will be like the flu shot and require regular vaccination.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I mean, they say you can’t do Moderna for your first and Pfizer for your second, and we’re not scientists and we don’t know why that is, so yeah, there’s reason to at least ask if it’s safe/effective/etc or not.

            Like I mentioned in another comment, I feel like this general topic sees a lot of snark when people have questions or concerns about vaccines – it’s kind of like we’re supposed to just accept it no questions asked. I think these are valid things to talk through and get insight on.

    5. fhqwhgads*

      I think one of the reasons the focus isn’t there is, while certainly some people are concerned about long COVID, more people are concerned about being hospitalized or dying. Additionally in the aggregate, that’s the primary concern right now. COVID is a big deal because of the amount of death and the toll on the health system. It’s not that I have no sympathy for longer haulers or those who simply feel like shit for a few weeks, but frankly, if that were all this virus did, the world would not have come to a screeching halt a year ago.

      Separate from all of that I think vaccine fears/preferences generally fall into these buckets:
      -Do want Moderna/Pfizer because “94/95% effective”/ Don’t want J&J because “less” effective
      -Do want Moderna/Pfizer because “been approved longer”/Don’t want J&J because it’s “less known”
      -Don’t want Moderna/Pfizer because “mRNA is new and scary”/Do want J&J because it’s a “regular” (aka a vector) vaccine
      -Don’t want Moderna/Pfizer because two shots is time consuming/Do want J&J because one-and-done

      Now I don’t have numbers on the proportions of the above sentiments compared to the relative availability of doses, but I imagine Pew and other research groups might. But it doesn’t really behoove the population to try to convince anyone they ought to prefer one over another, without a medical concern specific to a particular patient. So that’s also likely to be why there hasn’t been as much attention put on that in coverage.

    6. Blurred*

      Long haul Covid terrifies me and I don’t think it’s dismissed so much as we just don’t *know* how the vaccines will help it. The trials measured infection, hospitalization, and death. All of the vaccines improved our chances greatly in those three areas. We’ll probably know in a year or so whether one is better at preventing long haul. But my takeaway for now is that comparisons between the 3 are difficult, especially because J&J was tested differently than P/M.

    7. MacGillicuddy*

      Depending on vaccine availability and the logistics of getting an appointment in your state, you might not have a choice of which vaccine you get.

  39. Dino*

    What are the best ways to find a place to rent when relocating to a new area? Specific websites, tactics you’ve employed? Im moving to a higher COL area and I really cannot live with roommates anymore so I’m looking at studio apartments, mobile homes for rent, etc. Tips and tricks?

    2. CatCat*

      For me, Craigslist and walking around the neighborhood I’m interested in looking for posted “for rent” signs.

      1. Clisby*

        Seconded. When my daughter moved to Gainesville, FL for grad school 2.5 years ago, she had her best results with Craigslist. She mostly stuck with ads posted by realty/apartment/property management companies, where she could double-check through their websites that this was a legit rental. Plus, we were able to go down to Gainesville for a week to check things out personally. She got a great apartment, where she’s planning to stay until she gets here Ph.D. If we had lived far enough away that this wasn’t feasible, she would have just signed on with one of the student-focused complexes around the university for a year.

        Are you able to go personally to the new place ahead of moving? I understand that’s not always possible.

    3. Pond*

      If possible ask people you know who already live there or used to live there, if they have any recommendations or know someone looking for a tenant, or what experiences they’ve had with different landlords and in different neighborhoods.
      Depending on what you’re looking for/where exactly you’re looking, nearby universities might have off campus housing information and websites with listings that you can see online without being a student/member of the university.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      Apartments dot com. Typically lists apartment buildings (hence the name) but individual houses, contained apartments within a house, etc. are also available. They have a wide range of filters, so you can search for only studio/1bd, min/max square feet, min/max rent, things like washer/dryer in unit. They also have a commute estimator tool so you can put in your office location and it’ll filter by driving time. All the apartments also have building information such as year of construction listed.

    5. Coco*

      Depending on the place/ city there are apartment finders (actual people not online only although with covid not sure) available. It is a free service to the renter and they listen to what you’re looking for and make recommendations.

      When I moved to a suburb near Chicago years ago a nice person like that helped me with 3 or 4 apartment complex recommendations and did the cold calling of the apartment leasing offices for me to gather availability and pricing.

    6. PT*

      If you’re looking to move into larger buildings, it’s easiest to just look on Apartments.com or Google Maps for individual apartment complexes, and then go to their websites for leasing information.

      If you’re looking to work with smaller landlords that only own a few buildings, you are probably going to have to go through Craigslist or other similar small community listing sites. For most of my renting years I went through Craigslist to find small landlords who owned only a few buildings, because I lived in expensive cities and that was the best way to get a good deal on an apartment, so it is doable. But you have to sift through a lot of junk and scam listings to find the gems. It’s work.

    7. WellRed*

      I really think this is dependent on the area. Where I am, you’d be best off on craigslist, not Zillow and apartment finders / realoters for rentals are not a thing.

    8. MissGirl*

      I found one sight unseen in LA on Craigslist. But there were tons of scams. I knew anything too cheap or too fancy looking were scams. If they wanted a deposit immediately without talking to you or sending you a contract. You could also Air BNB for a month and then look. It’s much harder to be scammed when you can visit a place

    9. HBJ*

      Probably depends on the place. We have always found ours on Craigslist, including the place we lived where “oh, everyone is on Jonesville Housing Facebook group: you HAVE to get on there to find a place.” We’ve asked friends and family before, but that’s never panned out.

  40. Courageous cat*

    Does anyone ever find that they have a harder time getting tipsy/drunk in their own home, with their partner?

    I don’t know how else to describe this; but I swear, I start getting tipsy and having a great time if I’m out to dinner with someone after 2 drinks. But it’s like when I’m home, I’m so insanely comfortable and used to being in the situation that I am, that I can have like 6 glasses of wine and nothing. It’s so weird.

    Just curious if anyone else ever gets this, because I’ve never heard of it from anyone else I know.

    1. nep*

      Wonder whether it has something to do with adrenaline?
      Our hormones/nervous systems are definitely in a different state when out at a restaurant or club, in public.
      I haven’t had alcohol in ages–can’t speak to this specific experience. This is what comes to mind for me.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I 100% think this. Like a mixture of adrenaline/mild social anxiety, which probably come through the body as one in the same. But I am inclined to agree.

    2. ....*

      Yes it’s a real phenomenon, it’s why people die from ODs when they do drugs in a new location. Your body can handle more when you’re familiar snd comfortable

    3. Yellow Warbler*

      I don’t need glasses at home because I’m so used to my surroundings that I don’t notice the blurriness. Maybe it’s a similar phenomenon.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      Happened to me on my wedding day, years ago. Husband was driving to our honeymoon location, so he didn’t drink at all. Everyone handed drinks to me, and I never felt a buzz. We figured out later, when we realized I had a hangover, that I’d had six glasses of champagne in two hours.

      I do not recommend this.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You might perceive yourself as less tipsy because you are drinking sitting down more at home, and you’re not having to navigate new routes (eg, walking around other diners to get to the bathroom) where you might notice some hesitancy or stumbling. But your blood alcohol levels won’t be affected by where you drink.

      1. allathian*

        That’s true. But people have been fooled to be tipsy with non-alcoholic drinks and there have been experiments where people get drunk but without the buzz because they aren’t allowed to joke around and enjoy the buzz.

    7. nnn*

      So the first thought that crosses my mind is to wonder if there might be anyone in your household who is skimming some of your alcohol and refilling it with water.

      1. Courageous cat*

        That’s definitely an interesting thought – but no, not possible. This has been the case my whole adult life.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I think it might be level of comfort. I noticed in myself and others that when people are ill, once they return home their sure-footedness and confidence comes flooding back once in familiar surroundings. People who were walking poorly at the hospital, suddenly come back to life after a few hours of being home.

    9. lemon meringue*

      I think there may be some contributing factors. When you’re out, you might be more likely to be hungry or tired, or you might be inclined to drink faster, which could influence how much you feel it. You might also be a bit more aware of your own feelings and reactions if you’re talking to unfamiliar people or trying to navigate transit or whatnot, rather than relaxing at home.

    10. Courageous cat*

      These are all really good insights, I’m kinda surprised I’m not alone in thinking this! Thanks for everyone’s input.

    11. PhyllisB*

      When I used to drink it was the exact opposite for me. A couple of glasses of wine and I was ready to go to bed. When I was out socially I could have 3 or 4 and never feel it. (Didn’t do that often, and if I was driving only one small one.) I figured it was the fact that I was busy and engaged and usually eating and not really paying attention to the alcohol.

  41. Courageous cat*

    Second:

    Thank you to everyone who, many months ago, responded to my discussion about antidepressants never working on me – with the idea that I maybe could have Bipolar II, and that’s why my antidepressants are basically sugar pills. I consider myself a very even-keeled person without huge mood changes, so it never occurred to me to look down that path.

    I had a period of acute insomnia for 2-3 weeks though, and brought the idea up to my doctor. He essentially said it’s possible, took me off my antidepressants, and put me on an antipsychotic (Vraylar). He said I am much more likely to have either a good or bad reaction to this (rather than none at all, which is usually what happens), and depending on which one it is, we may be much closer to an answer.

    Anyone who wants to share positive experiences with their antipsychotics, especially if they take Vraylar, please do. I’ve read all about the potential side effect of tardive dyskinesia and am not super in love with that risk, but if it works… it’s worth a shot.

    1. No Name Yet*

      Ah, I was wondering how you were doing. Whew, 2-3 weeks of acute insomnia is rough!

      Back when it was fairly new, I took low-dose Abilify (a different atypical antipsychotic) added to Zoloft. I had unipolar depression, but even with Zoloft my mood would swing from okay to depressed, so my psychiatrist thought a mood stabilizer could help – and it did! I had zero side effects, and was on it for a few years. (I tapered off of it after my depression had been better for a while, and it no longer seemed needed.)

      While I haven’t taken Vrylar, I know a few people who have, and who have found it quite helpful. I also know other people for whom it was recommended, but was too pricey. :/. TD is absolutely a concern for any of these meds, and the docs should know what to keep an eye out for. If possible, I would try to avoid phone visits for follow-ups – so they can see you if the symptoms do start.

      Good luck!

      1. Courageous cat*

        It was truly wild because I’m usually an ok sleeper! We actually think Abilify added to my Prozac is what caused it.

        Thankfully with Vraylar I have a savings card so hopefully that keeps me from the worst of it. I have heard it can be like $1300 even with insurance sometimes.

        Thank you for your input! I’m glad you were able to taper off!

  42. Helen Knows the Owner*

    Does anyone know of an effective spray or treatment that helps kill dust mites/their shedding’s that cause allergic reactions (and doesn’t include sticking my couch in a washing machine)?

    I’ve been having some issues with my skin on my legs breaking out and itching and all signs are pointing to this. I’m being more cognizant of washing my sheets regularly but my couch is fabric and doesn’t have covers that can come off to wash them. My vacuum cleaner is also not the best so I don’t know how effective it is to take that to the couch. I’ve seen some suggestion for natural oils but curious what you’ve used that worked!

    1. A313*

      You can try just putting a sheet over the area you sit on, although not terribly attractive. You can buy a washable sofa cover. Vacuuming should help, but a vacuum with a HEPA filter. After vacuuming, try a steamer? Even a steam iron might work. In either case, test the fabric first.

      Are you sure it’s dust mites? Could be bedbugs or scabies, just as other avenues to consider. Or allergy to sofa fabric/chemical used on the sofa fabric. Let us know what you try, especially if you find something that helps.

      1. Helen Knows the Owner*

        My first thought was bed bugs and I inspected my mattress and couch and couldn’t find any traces. I don’t have bites- they’re more like hives not consistent with bed bug bites and seem to go away after an hour or two whereas it seems bed bug bites can take a week or two. I had attributed all of this to my dry winter skin but waking up with it worse was what made me pause that it might be something else. It took a lot of google searching as my issue wasn’t coming up consistent with anything related to typical pests and once I found dust mites, almost everything I was experiencing hit dead on the nail. I also have to admit that I don’t wash my sheets very often(and I wash everything on cold) and when I put a fresh set on my bed, I woke up without issue. I’m not even sure if they’re in my couch as the hives only really come in the morning but I’m being extra cautious now that I’m aware

        2. More Pizza*

          I don’t know if this will work for your situation, but you could try diatomaceous earth. It’s a naturally occurring…mineral, I think, that has an irregular surface at the microscopic level that will pierce insect soft bodies and kill them. It kills fleas. It comes in powder form that you can dust over surfaces and then vacuum up.

          1. RagingADHD*

            DE is the shells of prehistoric sea critters, I believe. We use it around the house for pest control, but it hasn’t reduced the amount of dust or dust bunnies, so I suspect the mites may be too small for it to affect them.

            In any event, I would test DE on your skin in a small patch before you cover your sofa. If you’re that sensitive to dust, you might find DE irritating.

            Vacuuming it up won’t remove 100%, just like it doesn’t remove 100% of the dust.

      2. PollyQ*

        I’ve never heard of dust mites causing a skin reaction, and the Mayo Clinic only lists nasal & eye reactions as symptoms of the allergy, so I doubt the cause of your skin irritation is dust mites. It may be still couch-related, though. I had a hand-me-down couch from a relative for a short while, and something about it was irritating to my skin — I think the velour fibers, but who knows. Ultimately, I got rid of the couch, which I know is a kind of extreme solution.

        I’d try A313’s solution of sitting on a layer or 2 of sheets for a while and see if that helps. If so, then at least you’ve narrowed the cause down to the couch. If not, you can cross it off and look into things like body washes, laundry detergents, etc. You may want to see an allergist and get tested. Skin irritation can sometimes come from food or medicine, e.g. sulfa drugs caused me dramatic hives the last time I took them.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I have definitely had a contact reaction to dust, but only in extreme situations, like storage spaces that were extremely dusty.

    2. PT*

      This is going to sound ridiculous especially if you’ve been mostly at home, but it’s wholly possible you have fleas. We had this happen to us several times, where we tracked fleas home from someone else’s house/office/a hotel and they colonized our sofa because that’s where we spent a lot of time so they could nom on our blood.

      Thankfully they’re pretty easy to kill with a bug bomb, I usually buy the Hot Shot brand that neutralizes the eggs.

    3. PollyQ*

      I’ve never heard of dust mites causing a skin reaction, and the Mayo Clinic only lists nasal & eye reactions as symptoms of the allergy, so I doubt the cause of your skin irritation is dust mites. It may be still couch-related, though. I had a hand-me-down couch from a relative for a short while, and something about it was irritating to my skin — I think the velour fibers, but who knows. Ultimately, I got rid of the couch, which I know is a kind of extreme solution.

      I’d try A313’s solution of sitting on a layer or 2 of sheets for a while and see if that helps. If so, then at least you’ve narrowed the cause down to the couch. If not, you can cross it off and look into things like body washes, laundry detergents, etc. You may also want to see an allergist and get tested. Skin irritation can sometimes come from food or medicine, e.g. the sulfa drugs that caused me dramatic hives the last time I took them.

  43. GoryDetails*

    Book thread: what are we reading?

    Mine include – on audiobook, MYTHOS by Stephen Fry, who also narrates; it’s a re-imagining of the Greek myths, with some liberal enhancements by Fry as to dialogue, though it is based on the most commonly-known versions of the myths. Very entertaining indeed.

    SF/horror category: THE EMPTY MEN by Luke Smitherd, a sequel to his book The Stone Man. I loved the first book and was delighted with the sequel, though if I’d realized it was really the second book in a trilogy I might have saved it to read after the third book came out {wry grin}. It does have some interesting twists, including a very creepy change in the way the mysterious alien powers threaten the population of the UK after their Stone Men were (more or less) thwarted.

    Non-fiction: BUNKER HILL by Nathaniel Philbrick, a detailed history of that portion of the American Revolution, with lots of tie-ins to other famed battles and people. I especially like the sections of photos – lots of images of period portraits of the main characters, and of drawings and paintings of the battle itself and of Boston’s terrain at the time. Since this was before the massive filling-in of the back-bay, the contours are quite different from modern-day Boston, and it’s fascinating to try and imagine it as it was.

    1. Decidedly Me*

      I finished A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking last night. Really cute and fun!

      I started The Martian and am really enjoying it.

      1. Millicent*

        I have A Wizard’s Guide from the library next to be read! I’ve been postponing reading it to prolong the anticipated enjoyment. Glad to hear you liked it.

        I’m starting to run out of things to read. Currently three books into the Rivers of London series (magic + policeman Peter Grant) by Ben Aaronovitch and it’s good enough to keep reading but not yet as thoroughly enjoyable as the Greta Van Helsing fantasies/mysteries that were recommended here not long ago. Sad the Greta books were only a trilogy as I would have happily read more.

        2. OtterB*

          I have the first Rivers of London book checked out from the library in e-book. I read it years ago but didn’t keep up.

      2. Pamela Adams*

        I just read T. Kingfisher’s The Hollow Places. Great, but don’t read it too late at night.

      3. Hi there*

        I really enjoyed the Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking! Thanks for reminding me of it.

      4. GoryDetails*

        Glad to see so many T. Kingfisher fans! I’ve enjoyed the younger-readers books like Defensive Baking and Minor Mage, and the horror books The Twisted Ones and The Hollow Places. I have Bryony and Roses on deck – a re-telling of “Beauty and the Beast”.

        I also loved The Martian (first via R. C. Bray’s fabulous audiobook narration). And I’m devoted to the “Rivers of London” series too, including the graphic novels with stories that fit in between the novels. (The novels also have excellent audiobook versions.)

        1. OtterB*

          Another Kingfisher fan here! I like the younger-reader books too – have you read Castle Hangnail under her Ursula Vernon name?

    2. Workerbee*

      Via Libby, I am slowly getting through WIVES AND DAUGHTERS by Elizabeth Gaskell. I do enjoy it and there are many, many quotable pieces. “There is nothing like wounded affection for giving poignancy to anger” is one such. “It was the first time she had met with the behavior which some men think it necessary to assume with every woman under the age of five-and-twenty” is another.

      I just haven’t been rushing to read it the way I have with other books. Perhaps because for all its wit and sparkle, it feels more like a tome even on an ereader! Wiki says this was first published as a “serial from August 1864 to January 1866,” so it might never have been meant to go through all at once. I am grateful no one else is rushing to check this out, so I can keep renewing. I would actually buy this book, however.

      Wiki: “The story is about Molly Gibson, the only daughter of a widowed doctor living in a provincial English town in the 1830s.” —yet this does not do it justice. There is a lovely juxtaposition and intermingling of social classes, of different motives, of Molly’s own inner thoughts contrasted with the outward behavior she feels compelled to show, of a stepsister and stepmother with wildly different characters…

      It also seems quite prescient for its age.

      1. Buni*

        Minor book history fact: it used to be REALLY common for a book’s first release to be serialised through a paper or magazine throughout the 18th & 19th century (almost all of Dickens was, fr’instance*). It worked out for both parties: the author got access to an existing captive readership, getting their name out there, and the publishers could pay in installments and pull the work half way through if it tanked.

        *Dickens was paid by the magazine by the word, which explains a lot…

      2. I take tea*

        Just saying, you can get it on Gutenberg.org for free, no need to renew :-)

        I love older literature and Gutenberg and A Celebration of Woman Writers are goldmines.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m not into my books right now. “The Round House” on audiobook – I haven’t listened for a few days and might not go back to it at all. “Who Cooked the Last Supper?” – great concept but just not holding my attention, and this is my second attempt to read it.

    4. Bluebell*

      Just finished Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad, a beautiful memoir about surviving cancer and its aftermath. About to start a biography of Sister Rosetta Tharpe called Shout, Sister, Shout! She’s a fascinating figure in 20th century music history, and I’d love to see a biopic about her life. I think Queen Latifah would be perfect.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am also slowly listening through Mythos – I really enjoy listening to Stephen Fry tell me about Greek mythology. :)

    7. Cruciatus*

      I just switched from the book version to the audiobook version of Ready Player Two. I found the beginning very rough (the main character is all mopey and dopey) and I kept reading a few pages at a time and then putting it down. Wil Wheaton is helping me get through it and 2 people have told me it gets better once the new hunt is under way–and I think I just hit that point. But I’m going to stick with the audiobook to keep the motivation going.

      It’s very strange because, besides the hunt, the story is veeeerry similar to the story in A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor (the 2nd book in The Carls series). I’m pretty sure I know the basic outline of what will happen-but the first book was fun and I’m hoping this one becomes more fun soon

      So now I’m currently reading Hench, which Alison recommended a while back. I’m not far enough in to make any declarations on it yet but I think it’ll be enjoyable. My mom read it before me and just kept saying it was “weird” but when I asked “weird good or bad?” she said “well, I’m still reading it”. So…we shall see!

      1. ampersand*

        Hench is good! I read it after seeing it here and yes, it’s different, but I think it was an enjoyable and easy read.

    8. Ali + Nino*

      Just finished AMY FALLS DOWN by Jincy Willett, as funny as I remembered THE WRITING CLASS and also poignant. Loved it.

    10. OtterB*

      I have been enjoying the Veronica Speedwell series by Deanna Raybourn. They are historical mysteries (late 1800s England, I think?) The main character is a woman scientist who has traveled all over the world hunting butterflies but is currently working in England for Reasons. Her colleague and slow-burn love interest is an explorer. Lots of fun.

      I recently enjoyed The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting by KJ Charles. It’s a Regency-era m/m romance with a grumpy baronet and an irrepressibly sunny fortune hunter who, at the beginning, is pursuing the baronet’s niece. I love all KJ’s books but some of them are fairly angsty or there are lots of murders. This one was on the fluffy side but still included some truths about class/race/the risks to a woman of marriage. Plus vivid secondary characters as well as the main ones.

    11. NiceOrc*

      Might be a bit late to this, but a while ago I read The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison. (It may have been recommended here, I know I have recommended it since!) It was so good! Wonderful characters, great world-building, main character not perfect but trying their best in difficult circumstances… And now she has a new book out, called The Angel of the Crows. I am only a few chapters in, and already enjoying it. It’s not set in the same world (though there are still airships!) and I am doing the thing where I have to stop myself reading the whole book at once because I want it to last, but I want to know what’s going to happen!

      1. OtterB*

        Late reply, but in case you didn’t know, there will be a book out in June that is in the Goblin Emperor world, though as I understand it, not a direct sequel. The title is Witness for the Dead.

        The Goblin Emperor is one of my very favorite books.

  44. ....*

    Removed. I’ve noted this ad report but for any future ones, please use the “report an ad” form linked just above the comment box. Thanks! – Alison

  45. Yellow Warbler*

    Does anyone know how extreme the hair loss is if you stop using Rogaine?

    I’m dealing with some temple/crown balding due to a medication that I’ve since discontinued. I’m hoping to start interviewing in the next 3-4 months and really want to jumpstart regrowth before that, but I don’t plan to commit to permanent Rogaine use.

    Is it feasible to use it for a while, get through interviews, then deal with the fall-out once I’m settled in a remote job?

    1. SuzyQ*

      Rogaine takes 3 to 4 months (or more) to show results. ( I’ve been using it for several years). It works differently on different people. For some there’s little or no results, for others it stops loss but you don’t get an increase in hair amount, and for others, you grow more hair. I’m luckily in that last category.

      At one point (after a couple years of use) I got lax about the twice a day application, and I started noticing less hair after a few weeks. So now I try to be vigilant about it. I’ve never stopped using it completely because I don’t want to go back to the way it was before I started using it.

      I use the women’s version. I don’t know if the men’s version gives faster results, more regrowth, or if you’d get an increase in facial or body hair with it.

      If the meds you were on caused your hair loss, will the hair come back on its own when you stop the meds?

    2. WS*

      If you use it for 3-4 months then stop, you will get your regular rate of hair loss plus whatever would have come out in that 3-4 months. If you weren’t going to lose that much hair over that time, you won’t afterwards; if you were going to lose a lot, you will lose a lot. Since you’ve discontinued the medication, the difference might not be great in your case.

      But for a 3-4 month period you might be better off consulting a hairdresser for a better style.

  46. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    My tomato and pepper seeds are in water, waiting to germinate! Now I can count down the 8-10 weeks until spring is here and I can plant things outdoors. I can finally walk from my front door to the street without worrying about slipping on ice. It won’t be long (another month) before I will see the garden dirt!

    1. Llama face!*

      I have four pots of baby tomatoes who’e just gotten their first true leaves. They currently live under a grow light in my kitchen since I’m in a cold climate and outside temps won’t be safe for at least a month. These are actually miracle tomato babies; I had a tomato sitting on top of my fridge and noticed one day that it was lumpy. Turns out the seeds had sprouted inside and were trying to push their way out of its skin! So I planted a chunk of the tomato and ended up with several healthy seedlings. :)

      I also have an avocado pit that has grown a root after 2 months of hanging its butt in water. I almost gave up on it but then suddenly it cracked open and grew a root within the space of a week. This is my first successful avocado germination attempt so I’m quite excited!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “Turns out the seeds had sprouted inside and were trying to push their way out of its skin!”

        That sounds like the start of a horror movie. LOL

        1. Llama face!*

          It kind of looked like a horror movie! Lol. Especially once the sprouts had actually poked through like some kind of alien infestation.

    2. Squeebird*

      This is perhaps not quite a “garden” question or update, but perhaps a savvy plant person will see this here… My backyard has become a mud pit in the winter and a dust bowl in the summer. It used to have some patchy grass, but that has been thoroughly and systematically destroyed by our two large dogs. I’m not sure about trying to grow grass there again – keeping the dogs out of the yard for the amount of time it would take for grass to grow isn’t really feasible for us. Any ideas, gardeners? Is there some magical ground cover out there that can stand up to dog claws and dog pee?

      1. Ali G*

        Look in micro clover. It’s hardier than grass and has the added benefits of being nitrogen fixing and good for pollinators.

    3. Me*

      I finally got all three of my Birdies beds set up. I still have two more somewhere aboard a container ship parked at a dock on the west coast, waiting for be unloaded. Apparently there is a backup.

      But it’s been great getting rid of all sorts of woody debris from the storm last month. I’m filling 1/3 of the beds with clippings/branches etc and then cramming a layer of leaves in then throwing down some dirt/straw from the hen house plus some compost and native soil.

      The last 1/3 is going to be a custom mixture of soil/amendments. It’ll sit around until all my plants are ready to be transplanted.

      Most of my tomatoes have two sets of true leaves. I’m restarting a couple of them that didn’t quite sprout as many as I wanted. Most of my peppers have sprouted except for a few more varieties still holding out. My leeks have all popped up and it looks like my tithonia are starting to sprout.

      All in all it’s been great so far. Been getting a lot of steps by clearing my yard.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      I have 4 little zucchini sprouts that make me very happy! Also in the ground: pole beans (round 2; the first round didn’t germinate ’cause it was colder than I thought), fava beans (first time for me), carrots (showing tiny sprouts but my toddler also dug out a handful from that container). The tomato seedlings are quite enthusiastic, but they’re inside and I’m going to have to work around them for another few weeks — Easter is probably the time to re-pot them, and then see about hardening off into the mini greenhouse.

    5. Rara Avis*

      My husband and daughter are the gardeners in our household (I have a black thumb) and they came home with a blueberry bush today. Our baby fig and cherry trees are starting to bud, and they bought seeds for sunflowers that grow 12-16 feet tall. Should be a fun summer.

  47. tiasp*

    My husband has been out of work for most of the past year and my work is only part time. We’ve been getting by so far with some government relief type benefits, I’ve had a couple months with almost full time hours (but back down to only a couple days this month), and DH has picked up some odd job type work. It’s been stressful, but we’ve managed. Well, unless he manages to finally land a job, our money will run out at the end of this month (and even if he DID finally pick up a job this month, there’d be 2 to 4 weeks before he got paid). I have so much anxiety about this. My mom could and would lend us money to get through one more month, but that would be about the limit of what she could do to help (she’s pretty open about financial stuff like that). Any advice on what kind of frugal things we can do? Grocery/food tips also welcome, keeping in mind that we have huge linebacker type teenagers so for example, if I make lasagna, I use 24 noodles and maybe get one or two pieces left over for lunch, or I made a meatloaf with 4 pounds of ground beef and there was only one piece left over, and that’s only because I wasn’t home for supper so I didn’t have any!

    1. WellRed*

      I know it sucks, but have you considered a food pantry to supplement? As for cheap, filling food I like beans and rice, off the top of my head. With two teenagers, yeah, ground beef is a good, inexpensive way to go. Chili? Manwiches (just to mix it up). Popcorn is a super cheap snack.

      Do the linebackers have part time jobs/is that a possibility?

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        In my grocery stores, ground beef isn’t all that inexpensive unless it’s the super-high-fat kind that shrinks to half the amount when cooked. I rely on pork shoulder and pork loin. Great for making slow-cooked BBQ and lots of other things. Loin can be roasted and served with gravy over mashed potatoes, rice, or noodles. Both cuts can also be ground, and pork burgers leave hamburgers sitting in the dust when it comes to taste. Boneless, skinless chicken breasts are frequently on sale and can be used for so many things. This time of year, ham will soon be on sale and can also be stretched into countless dishes.
        Stratas are a great cheap thing to make – basic bread, shredded cheese, milk and eggs, and whatever else you want in it, but just plain is good. I get all my shredded and sliced cheese at Aldi’s because it’s much cheaper, also eggs and many other basics. They have salmon and tilapia at good prices, too. I pour through the grocery ads every week to find sale items, although for the last year, we’ve stuck to just one store per week. I agree with beans, get a big pack of corn tortillas, spray them and bake till crispy, and make a bunch of bean tostadas with cheese, shredded iceberg lettuce, and chopped tomato. There’s a good instead-of chili I make: equal parts salsa (try to watch the sodium content for a main dish) and crushed tomatoes, heat with drained corn frozen or canned) and black beans, throw in some chopped zucchini and simmer until zucchini is done. Season with some cumin and cilantro if you want. Serve with cornbread.
        And yes, see about food pantries, that’s what they’re for. You can donate back when things are better for you. Good luck.

      2. Emma2*

        You can also stretch ground beef with lentils in a lot of recipes. I don’t actually eat meat, so have not done this myself, but have seen people do it with something like a shepherd’s pie – it should also work in a pasta sauce, chili, etc as those can be made with just the lentils. Lentils are a good source of protein and are inexpensive – I would purchase them dried not canned, they cook quite quickly, and the dried ones are cheaper.

    2. WellRed*

      As far as other advice, hard to say without more info, but I assume you’ve cut back where you can on things like cable or newspaper subscriptions? Save energy by washing in cold instead of warm or hot water?

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

      A lot of restaurant wholesalers began selling to the public during lockdown. If you can get into a restaurant wholesaler you will be able to find large boxes of pasta, oatmeal, etc. very inexpensively compared to retail pricing.

      Some cities have standalone “Costco business centers” that have restaurant-sized packaging and pricing.

      If I were concerned about feeding a large family under these circumstances, I would move toward thinking of meat as a condiment and not a main course. Instead of meatloaf, perhaps you could make more noodle- and rice-based dishes that have some meat in them for flavor.

      You can find canned beans very inexpensively at warehouse-type stores, and a lot of times the convenience is worth it, but dried beans are not as daunting as they might appear and are literally pennies per serving.

      If you have a friend with a Costco membership, you can get a flat of five dozen eggs, for example, large bags of rice, big boxes of oatmeal, etc. even if there’s not a “business center” in your area.

      I don’t have a sense of what your big expenses are, so I can’t offer many other “frugal” tips, but if you’d like some recipes that feed a lot of folks on not so much money, I can post some. Especially if you give an idea of what your family prefers.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Oh, here’s a “frugal” tip. In my opinion, water is the most healthful beverage there is. I think some people have gotten used to drinking a lot of sports drinks or sodas during the day. Water is literally free and in *most* of the U.S. tap water is perfectly safe and healthy to drink.

        If your family is very used to flavored beverages, you could make some lightly sweetened iced tea (using tea bags or loose tea), or you could encourage them to put a small amount of fruit juice into a glass of iced water. Some people fill a big pitcher with water and slice some frozen or leftover fruit into it. The pitcher is pretty and the water is lightly flavored.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Trent Hamm’s April 20, 2020 column in the Simple Dollar offers an article on Extreme Food Budgeting and he has a few other articles like this. If your public library has a copy of the old Tightwad Gazette, there’s a lot in there, too.

    5. Blackcat*

      Have you applied for public assistance? SNAP benefits, for example? You should also look into food banks and other community food options. My town has a resource point person for this, and I think many do. I understand this may be a point of pride, but this is exactly what those resources are for.

      Are you in a position for the teens to also try to work?

      Beyond that, things like lentils can be bought cheaply and are very filling. You might have to reduce/cut out most meat and swap for things like bulk dried beans.

      1. Blackcat*

        Also, you may be eligible for some degree of unemployment if your hours have been heavily reduced.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I would never have guessed that there is a wiki on this, but now that I know that exists it makes perfect sense.

          That Good and Cheap cookbook looks especially great.

          1. OyHiOh*

            The Good and Cheap cookbook is phenomenal. I’ve cooked from it for as long as it’s been available. The recipes are truly excellent – they don’t feel like poor/frugal meals at all.

    7. Can I help?*

      I’m so sorry your family is in this situation. One suggestion I haven’t seen is to call the United Way for your area and tell them the situation. They may know of resources you haven’t thought of. Also, and I absolutely know this is NOT why you posted, and I hope I do not offend — I would like to send you a little bit of money. Not a lot, but I know in this situation maybe every little bit helps. People have helped me in the past and I want to pay that forward. I am working full time and very fortunate to be so. Also it would honestly help ME. My family is going through hell right now (not financially) and being able to help someone else would help me. And sometime in the future you could always pay it forward if you like. Alison, can you help facilitate a connection here if the original poster is OK with this?

      1. tiasp*

        That is so kind of you, but please do something for your local community instead if you can. It’s tough for us right now, but at the absolute worst, we could move in with my mom and cut out everything except food and we’d survive. But I know there are people out there whose worst means going homeless and/or hungry.

        1. Can I help?*

          You are a very fine person, worrying about others when you are having a tough time yourself. Yes, I will direct my assistance locally (I already do some of that but I will do more in your honor!). Glad to hear you have a “mom” fallback if needed. Sending encouraging thoughts.

    8. tiasp*

      I’m in Canada, rural community about 3 hours from the nearest costco (and we do have a membership but we’ve only been to the city twice in the last year and haven’t had the funds to stock up as much as I normally would). Actual house is about 25 km/16 miles from town, so not much opportunity for the kids to have jobs (the oldest has his drivers license, but he’s doing a heavy course load at school and he needs to keep his grades up for university/scholarship reasons, and even if he wanted a job, I don’t think there’s much available for students right now – the whole town is in a hard hit industry).
      I’m not a good cook, so meals tend to be things like chile, meatloaf, spaghetti and meatballs, burritos. I appreciate the comment to use meat as a condiment, but honestly, even cooking enough spaghetti to feed everyone is $5 for the noodles alone. Argh. Lots of ground beef because we often get it from our neighbours for helping them out at branding, etc. Would LOVE recipes. I have gotten so frustrated looking at “how to feed your family on $300 a month” articles and turns out the family is a 4 year old and an infant. Or the feeds 6 budget recipe that calls for 4-6 pieces of chicken and I’m wondering what the other 4 people are going to eat. Or eat eggs, they are 29 cents a dozen (more like $3.50 a dozen here, if they are on sale).
      There are definitely things we can cut back on more, but having a hard time with getting husband to buy into it. Our kids are still in their favourite activities, so I guess we could cut that but I’m really trying to avoid it, and then husband seems to have the attitude that we should cut their stuff before his stuff and I think he’s being selfish because I think he should sacrifice before/more than they do. Anyway that’s another issue.
      Here’s a specific question – life insurance. Should I cancel it? We literally have no savings left at all – everything went to either debt problems or trying to get through this year. I’ve held onto the life insurance (partly because sometimes I think I’m going to die of a heart attack from the stress so it would be a waste not to have life insurance). We had a good term policy that expires in about two years. We got a not as good term policy last year (when we didn’t realize he’d be out of work for the next year) because the original term was based on our first kid and I want something in place until the youngest is 18, but it costs more than twice as much as the original one. Thinking maybe I should cancel the second one (not like I’ll have a choice once we can’t pay the premium) and try to keep the original and hope things turn around in the next two years. We also have blue cross, but it costs over $400 a month and on the one hand it’s worth it because one kid has monthly medicine that would cost $300 without it (as it is, copay is $60) so add in dental/vision etc and we get our money worth. After this month, may not have a choice about keeping that, but I haven’t cancelled it yet because I think once that’s gone, we’ll never get that level of plan/coverage again. (The medication is for ADHD, so not life threatening, but it certainly makes a difference to him. And it’s $300/$60 for a one month supply, but because of the cost, he only takes it on school days, so per actual month the cost is a little less. Less than ideal for him (doctor wants him to take it every day) but Canada has free health care, not free pharmacare.)
      Anyway, welcoming all ideas and suggestions. If something doesn’t work for me, hopefully it will help someone else.

      1. twocents*

        Have you tried laying out everything you spend money on each month and then categorize it: have to have to survive, quality of life but non-necessity, helps but could do without.

        For example:
        — Your mortgage is a “have to have.” Being homeless is very expensive, I’d recommend you avoid at all costs. Tbh, I’d consider trying to budget a little cushion in here too because you don’t know when the furnace will crap out (or whatever).
        — Your kids and husband’s fun activities are qol, but can be axed. Like immediately. The insurance that it sounds like you can make one more payment on and then they’ll drop you for not paying anymore, maybe that goes here too.
        — Your health insurance may be in the last category: just paying the $300 out of pocket for necessary medication and not having to pay $460 for the insurance + medication may be something that you have to do eventually, but not immediately.

        How much money do you need for the “have to have” expenses of life, and what’s the deficit? (Not a question I actually want an answer to, btw. Something for you to ask and answer for yourself.) I totally get why you don’t want your kids to drop their activities (and don’t at all get why your husband thinks your kids should suffer first), but I worry that it sounds like you’re maybe 4-6 weeks away from being SOL and being ruthless with what you cut now may help stretch how long your bank account lasts.

      2. WellRed*

        Ok with this info, I think husband and kids should cut back on activities. Not all, but maybe one each? The kids are old enough to understand. I’m side eyeing hubs a bit. Unless your about to be homeless, I wouldn’t get rid of life insurance, though maybe you can review the policy. If Canada is at all like the states when it comes to death, you will need that money god forbid you or your husband dies. Death is expensive and funeral homes don’t do payment plans.

      3. Natalie*

        I’m not really sure how insurance works in Canada – is it possible to drop some or all of you except for the one kid with the prescription? Or is there any kind of program (maybe through the drug manufacturer?) where he could get the medication discounted? Right now you’re paying $460/month to save $300/month, that’s just bad math I’m sorry to say.

        If your husband isn’t working it seems like he would have a lot of free time to batch cook beans.

      4. Not A Manager*

        Thanks for the additional info. I do think that everyone needs to cut the activities, certainly before you cut health insurance.

        I’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. Here are my thoughts about meal planning:

        Unprocessed food is almost always less expensive than processed food. Instead of breakfast cereal or breakfast pastries, old-fashioned rolled oats cook in less than 10 minutes and are very economical. Some dried and frozen fruit is fairly inexpensive (this can vary wildly), and is a good addition if people like it sweet. If you buy fresh fruit on sale, many fruits freeze well when they are getting elderly. Bananas, pineapple and most fresh berries do.

        Dried beans are easy to prepare. There’s controversy online about whether they even need to be soaked overnight. Many beans certainly don’t, like lentils. Almost any bean will eventually soften up if you just simmer it long enough. You could cook up a package of dried beans and keep it in the fridge to use in recipes, or even freeze some with the cooking water, so that you have them available instead of using cans. With or without ground beef, you could make a variety of chilis.

        My family loves sautéed chickpeas. It’s literally cooked chickpeas fried up in a small amount of cooking oil with a lot of salt and pepper. They’re really delicious. You can also make hummus from them. Lentils are so flavorful you don’t have to cook them with broth or a lot of veggies if you don’t want to. They are nutritious with rice even you don’t add a meat, but you can slice up hotdogs or ham for added flavor.

        Since you have access to ground beef, I would use that for dinners and stretch it with inexpensive starches. Season your beef and saute it, and then add it to sliced or mashed potatoes, rice or pasta. You’ll need a sauce for most casserole type things. You say that you’re not much of a cook; I don’t know if you’re comfortable making a tomato sauce or a gravy from scratch. You can use bullion cubes to flavor a gravy instead of canned broth, and it’s very easy to make a white sauce using milk and flour. If you aren’t comfortable with that, then look for canned “cream of” type soups on sale.

        I know that you don’t have access to inexpensive eggs, but if you ever do, frittatas are easy to make. You can make them mostly out of egg with a little bit of filling, or mostly out of filling with a little bit of egg to bind them. Sliced boiled potatoes, leftover rice or leftover pasta can be used to bulk them up.

        Not wanting to suggest unreasonable cooking projects, but depending on what your family likes, I’ll mention that I’ve been making yogurt since last year and it’s super easy. Many stores sell milk as a loss leader, so if you come across that, you might want to make it into yogurt if that’s something your family eats a lot of. I can post the technique if you’re interested.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Another thing we really like is cabbage. People seem to distain it, but if you don’t overcook it, it’s great. Core a green cabbage and slice it thinly, and rinse the sliced cabbage in a colander. Don’t dry all the water off the leaves. Toss it into a large pan with some oil or butter and stir it as it starts to wilt. Liberally salt and pepper it as it’s cooking. Pull it while it’s still slightly crisp. This is great with rice, potatoes, etc. and as a side for meat.

          You can also make a casserole that’s like stuffed cabbage but easier. Layer sautéed ground beef, cabbage leaves, and a thin tomato sauce (if you’re using jarred tomato sauce, thin it with water or broth) in a casserole, cover, and bake until the cabbage is soft, about an hour. You can add a starch when you’re making the layers, like sliced potatoes or rice, if you like.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes to the sautéed cabbage. I’m not a fan of cooked cabbage, but this I like when it’s tossed with pasta and some butter.

        2. Not A Manager*

          Still thinking about you. My grandmother used to make delicious fried patties. They were basically a starch and maybe some protein, bound with an egg.

          Mashed potatoes, well-seasoned with salt and pepper, mixed with an egg and a little bit of flour or bread crumbs. Refrigerate the batter before forming into round patties about 1/2-3/4 inch thick. Fry in about 1/4″ of cooking oil until lightly browed on each side. You can put in shredded cheese for flavor, leftover vegetables like peas or minced broccoli, or minced leftover meat like ham. Many cultures make something like this, so you can season them with whatever spices you like.

          Leftover white rice, a little flour, some shredded cheese (parmesan is good) and an egg to bind it.

          If your grocery store stocks matzah meal, you can make matzah meal patties the same way. I’ll bet you could make them with dried breadcrumbs, but I’ve never tried it. 1 cup of matzah meal, 2 eggs, 1/4 cup water, 2 tablespoons clear oil, a pinch of salt. Refrigerate the batter and then drop by large tablespoonfuls into 1/4″ of hot oil. Fry until golden brown on both sides and they are cooked through inside. Serve with maple syrup for breakfast (use less salt in the batter), or with ketchup or gravy for dinner.

          Polenta is just fancy cornmeal. You can make a polenta or a corn meal mush and have it soft with butter or cheese for one meal, then pour the leftovers into a square pan and refrigerate them. Ideally you’ll have a layer about 1/2″ thick. You can cut that into strips and pan fry it, or put it on a rack set in a baking sheet and heat it in a hot oven until it gets a bit brown and crispy.

      5. Blackcat*

        “he’s being selfish because I think he should sacrifice before/more than they do”

        I agree with you. He’s the one unemployed. You’ll run out of money in *in one month.* Rather than spend any money on himself, he should be thinking about what of his stuff he can sell.

        But also, cut back on kid activities, unless they’re already paid for for the year. They’re teens. They’ll understand.

      6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Is farm work available? My dad’s first job was helping with calves on a dairy farm. Busy season for farmers is coming up, some of them might need a bit of help. And large young men are a good match for that kind of work. They might enjoy it more that flipping burgers or other traditional teenage jobs too, if they are athletic types.

    9. Aphrodite*

      I am truly sorry you are going through this.. I make these suggestions with all kindness:

      Have the teenagers each get a job. They should turn over their paychecks in full to you and your husband. (That’s what my dad did during the years of the Great Depression to help his parents out.) If you have an In n Out Burger anywhere near you they pay excellent wages.

      Grocery stores are often hiring either for frontline work (cashiers, deli) or warehouse work.

      Apply with temp agencies. I think many if not most of them pay weekly.

      Do you attend a church? Can you speak to a trusted pastor privately. Even if you don’t attend, consider this.

    10. Aurora Leigh*

      I saw you mention that you live outside of town — would raising chickens (for eggs) or putting in a large garden be options for your family? Having our own eggs and vegetables got my family through some tough spots and the set up costs can be pretty minimal. My mom used a lot of oatmeal to stretch the meat in things like meatloaf, manwiches, and tacos. Is fishing and/or hunting something the linebackers have the skills for and would enjoy doing to get more food in?

      Not sure about what’s available in Canada, but what is your cell phone bill like? We cut our bill (and my in-laws) significantly when we switched to Cricket (uses AT&T towers, but significantly cheaper — we only pay $25/line for 4 lines).

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I am not familiar with Canada, but are their any Covid relief programs you can tap? Maybe someone here will have specific suggestions. I am thinking specifically of rent/mortgage assistance, but there are other things.

      Definitely talk to a church near you, even if you are not church goers and even if you have never had any religious beliefs. One church here will provide free clothing another church offers a food pantry and heat assistance.

      Alternatively, our fire company also does a lot on the quiet side to help people. So if you really cannot ask a pastor, try your fire company. Firepeople seem to know everything that is going on.

      My suggestion would be to drop the life insurances and take half of what your mom is offering you. Life insurance is a funny/odd thing, there may be provisions where you can skip a payment or two. But for the most part, I find life insurance policies are not very transparent and you could end up facing more bills in a short while.

      Perhaps your solution is to move in with your mom, while you still have gas money to move some belongings. That at least would get you to a less encumbered place where you could start to think about your next steps.

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        There are covid relief programs available in Canada although they have very specific eligibility requirements.

        My personal plan, were I in this situation, would be to keep blue cross, keep life insurance, stop all kids activities, and definitely get them jobs with the neighbors for seeding, branding, whatever. Husband too can do that. Also, try to trade services for food or cash (like you have been doing with branding).

        Another strategy I have heard to stretch your food budget, before serving the meat, put a big bowl of rice or potatoes on the table, and once it is empty and eaten, then serve meat and vegetables. I grew up in rural Alberta, where meals were a steak that covered the plate, and a baked potatoe, and maybe a broccoli stalk. Now I rarely cook anything more than one same pork cutlet between my husband and I. I cut it up small, throw in lots of cheap vegetables and rice, pasta, potatoes. I know you said its tough to get to Costco, but can you ask neighbors to pick up a few things when they are going anyway? Most people i know in rural areas would be happy to help by doing that little thing. You don’t necessarily have to disclose how close to the edge you are, but saying you are trying to stretch your food dollar and having trouble getting to costco would be all it takes usually.

        If you are willing to disclose that you are close to the edge, network with churches, community orgs, your accountant, your friends to put the word out that your kids and hubs need paying or bartering work. Yes it might be sucky stuff like digging gardens and clearing out dead weeds, or worse, but likely nobody has ever died from doing it.

        Sorry to be frank, but I think it is nuts that your kids are in activities when things are this bad. They can babysit, whatever they can do to earn. They are part of the family and they can contribute.

        Above all, ask for help. I know it is hard, but you know what? Most people would be absolutely horrified you are dealing with this and not giving them an opportunity to help, whether its offering some paid work, or picking stuff up at costco for you, or sharing what they have, whether that is money or excess food.

        If you are in Southern Alberta and can ask for help, I will help you.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      My sister-in-law, who lived as a Mennonite for a while, shared this recipe with me. She said it was very popular in the community. It comes from the More-with-Less Cookbook by Doris Janzen Longacre. It makes a lot and it’s filling.

      Baked Lentils

      12 oz. dry lentils
      2 cups water
      1 bay leaf
      1 tsp salt
      1/4 tsp pepper
      1/8 tsp dried marjoram
      1/8 tsp dried sage
      1/8 tsp dried thyme
      2 large onions, chopped
      2 cloves garlic, minced
      1 (28 oz) can stewed tomatoes, with juice
      2 large carrots, sliced
      1/2 cup celery, sliced
      1 green bell pepper, chopped
      3 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese (as little or as much as you want)

      Directions
      1. Preheat the oven to 375F.
      2. In a 9X13 pan, combine the water and lentils. Season with the bay leaf, salt, pepper, marjoram, sage and thyme. Stir in onions, garlic, and stewed tomatoes.
      3. Bake covered for 30 minutes.
      4. Remove from the oven and stir in the carrots and celery. Cover and continue to bake until the lentils and vegetables are tender, about 40 minutes.
      5. Remove from the oven a third time, stir in the green bell pepper and sprinkle cheese over the top.
      6. Bake, uncovered, until cheese has melted, about 5 more minutes.

      1. ThatGirl*

        The More With Less cookbook is a great resource for stretching food further.

        I’m tickled by “lived as a Mennonite” – what does that mean? Did she dress plainly? Become a farm witch? Walk around singing in 4 part harmony and baking pies? (I am from a Mennonite family and uh … the biggest lifestyle change I can think of is a commitment to non-violence. And pie.)

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m not 100% sure since it was before she met my late brother, but I believe her ex-husband was part of the community. Eventually they left, due to sexual abuse by another member of the community of one of her very young, pre-teen daughters. She definitely wasn’t born into it. I’m guessing they were there for maybe 10 years? They traveled across several states during that time.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I’m more just curious whether they attended/were members of a church or really ingrained in an old order community. But it sounds like you may not know and that’s fine :) just know that most Mennonites are indistinguishable from your average Protestant, though there is a cultural component in some places.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Sorry, didn’t mean that to be so heavy! I just remember that’s the reason they left. To be honest, there were times when she said “Amish” and other times when she said “Mennonite.” I do remember seeing early pictures and the daughters usually wore bonnets and their dresses looked like the Amish dresses, but with color. She never really talked much about their time in the community.

              1. ThatGirl*

                Sounds like either an old order group, possibly Amish-Mennonite which is its own church. I know sexual abuse is a terrible thing that unfortunately religious groups are not exempt from and there’s a culture of closing ranks in the more conservative groups. But this is way off topic, thanks for indulging me.

    13. tiasp*

      Thank you everyone for your suggestions and advice. Some of it I know I can use right away. Some of it I think “that wouldn’t work because [reason]” and then I think about whether that’s really true or do I/we need to adjust to our new reality.

      1. Juneybug*

        Speaking of new reality, your husband and kids might not know how bad the situation is so tell them!! Make a list of all expenses and income. Sit down with them and explain that expenses need to be cut or you will lose the house, there will be no food, etc. Ask them what can go – maybe no one is watching cable TV?
        Have your husband start cooking meals and grocery shop (since he’s part – time). My dear hubby was trying to have us only spend $300 a month for the 4 of us – until he started shopping with me and saw the prices of food. The budget quickly doubled for food. This was years ago so your budget with two teens will be much higher.
        Share this burden with others! Stop carrying this weight alone! Make it a team effort. Wishing you good luck!

      2. Nerdgal*

        Want another recipe? My husband loves this and it’s super easy. Can make on top of stove or in slow cooker
        2 lbs dry pinto beans, sorted and rinsed
        1 onion cut in quarters
        2 garlic cloves crushed
        1 jalapeno pepper cut in half, seeds and ribs removed if you like your food less spicy
        2 bay leaves
        Cover with water plus about 2 in. Boil for 10 minutes, then simmer partially covered until tender. Add salt and pepper to taste. I serve this with cornbread but rice is good too (or both).

  48. Princess Deviant*

    Last week I asked here “how to you get your shit together?” LOL. I was pleased to find that nobody has their stuff together.

    Anyway, I just want to thank Red Reader the Adulting Fairy for their idea of meal planning.
    I bought a recipe tin and have slowly but surely been writing out my favourite recipes, then planning my week’s meal and shopping list based on that.
    It’s working pretty well. I’ve been to the shops twice in the last 1 week (instead of everyday or twice daily), including today which is for the week ahead, which has helped me immensely and saved some time and stress. I think it might be saving me money too, but I guess I’ll know at the end of the month.
    So thanks x

  49. anon for this*

    I’m removing this because the resulting discussion is going in directions that seem cruel to others (which I know wasn’t your intent). – Alison

  50. Fence Sitter*

    My nieces are homeschooled & overachieving & perform in international toddler level music competitions for their age group. That’s great but I want kids soon & now I’m terrified of repeating my own history, raising my kids in that type of pressure cooker environment. How do you avoid that, but still help your kids reach their potential? If they want to do piano, how do I make sure it’s for the right reasons?

    1. WellRed*

      If a six year old wants to play piano, in your example, do they really have any other reason then, “I want to play piano?” They aren’t likely feeling they need to be a concert pianist or that it will improve their odds of getting into a “good school.” As the parent, you get to set the tone and guide the pace, to a large extent.If you are anxious about it, they will pick up on that. If they are anxious, you can guide them. I’m not sure what your childhood was like, but I think the best thing parents can do is let kids do nothing (by which I mean, sure have piano lessons or science camp), but don’t schedule every minute of their little lives.

      1. WellRed*

        Uh, admitttedley, when I first read your comment, I thought “performing in international toddler music competitions” was you being facetious, but I suspect maybe you are serious. Yikes!

        1. Fence Sitter*

          Yes, it is indeed an international toddler music competition. At a nationally known venue.

      2. Natalie*

        You can also have a big influence by the teacher you pick. Pick the one who is fun and relaxed and teaches music to support their being in a band, not the one who touts how many gold violas their students have won.

    2. PX*

      Honestly, I think helping your kids reach their potential is by being an encouraging and supportive parent – of whatever it is your kids want to do. Sure you can impose some limits (you can only do X number of activities) and give some guidance and suggestions (I’m thinking more of things like subject choices at university here, or encouraging them to think practically about the consequences of certain decisions).

      But I’m not sure at an early age what “the right reason” to want to do piano would be? As a kid, usually its either because they want to, or their friends are doing it, and so they want to do it too. I dont think there’s anything inherently problematic with either of those?

      1. TechWorker*

        Whilst I agree with this in general I am very grateful my parents let me do millions of things because I enjoyed them and could cope in general. I’m also grateful that my mum didn’t let me quit ballet when I went through a brief spell of being bored of it when I was maybe 10? My instinct to quit/boredom lasted less than a year, but if I had quit I probably wouldn’t have gone back as I would have been behind friends etc and although my professional dance dreams never made it to fruition I still love ballet! So I would say more ‘let them do what they’re interested in, but with some limits on how quickly they can change their mind’ :p

        1. PX*

          For me the limit on activities is more practical (how much money can you afford to spend, how much time do you have to take the kid to all the different activities), but in the grand sense, if child wants to do something new each year and you have the capacity to support that, absolutely!

          And agree on the your point about commitment. When I was growing up, because activities were generally done by school period, it meant that if my parents had paid for that period, I was expected to stick it out for the full amount of time! So no starting and stopping after just a few lessons.

    3. OyHiOh*

      My parents were you, sort of, and I’m madly jealous of school years friends who had parents who pushed them more than mine did.

      Back story: My parents are both classically trained musicians. My dad has a pedigree that includes Interlochen, the New England Conservatory, and Northwestern. They both had peers who were the result of having been pushed for highest success and level of performance as young people – they either did well as professionals, but didn’t enjoy it, or they flamed out in college/conservatory, and left music entirely. As a result, when I showed aptitude very early, they got me lessons (4 year old violin student here, HI!) but they never ever pushed. In fact, as a teen my dad told me that he’d support any college major I wanted – except a music major. He said he wanted me to be able to enjoy music as a hobby and not grow to dislike it because of pressure to succeed.

      I’ve since realized that what I feel like is “normal,” “average,” or “moderate” skill (by the standards of musicianship within my own family) is, in fact a set of skills that’s actually fairly extraordinary and I do wonder what choices I might have made differently if I’d had just a touch more external acknowledgement and encouragement as a teen and young adult.

      Relevant to you: most important choice is the choice of teacher. You want a teacher who will teach your child fundamental good technique (so she doesn’t damage her joints now or in the future), the basics of music theory, and songs she’ll enjoy playing – this can be classical, jazz, contemporary, gospel, I’m not a purist, I don’t care, I just want a six year old to enjoy her repertoire! Depending on the temperment of your child, a teacher who emphasizes performance many not be right. I love performance – for me, that’s the end goal of learning a piece – but I know a lot of musicians who do not thrive on performance and learn simply to learn. If regular, required performance is going to stress out your child, find a teacher who doesn’t emphasize this skill (performance is it’s own skill; not everyone has it or wants to acquire it).
      Your responsibility is to get your child to her lessons, and to make sure your child practices in the way that her teacher recommends. In the method I studied (Suzuki), the recommendation for children your child’s age was to practice as many minutes as their age, two or three times a day (so aiming for a total of 15 or 20 minutes of practice daily). Follow her lead. If she falls in love with musicianship, you’ll know. Encouragement is not the same as pushing for international toddler competition! There’s a balance, and if you’re aware of how you don’t want to be a stage mom, you can probably find the balance of encouragment and support, without pushing for sucess at all cost.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Age and gender as a hypothetical, since you’re at the thinking about future children stage. :-)

      2. Fence Sitter*

        Wow thanks for all the useful info! Definitely good to know. My background is very similar to yours.

      3. AGD*

        I also did Suzuki and enjoyed it but ended up having a really negative relationship with performance (about 6 years in, I developed anxiety about the possibility of things going badly, which started making things go badly, and quickly lost any ability to handle performance). I have been feeling like a bit of a lost cause as a result – I clearly couldn’t deal with performing and it pushed me out of the game, tough. Your post was so helpful in terms of helping me reframe something I didn’t realize I needed reframed!

        1. OyHiOh*

          Awww, I’m glad that helped!

          To be fair, I arrived at the understanding of “performance as a unique skill in its own right” through the experience of a friend. Her daughters are lovely, talented young people who enjoy a variety of activities, but who also have considerably social/performance anxiety. Watching these girls love cheerleading practice, as one example, then disentegrating when game days arrived was enlightening on many levels. They couldn’t “just work through it” or any of the other slightly dismissive advice coaches and teachers give.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I often think about a tumblr post where the person had all these parents bragging about their kids’ grades or whatever and was like “but are they cool? do you have fun with them? I love hanging out with my kid” and I think that’s a good mindset/reality check.

      Things that can help you find balance with something like piano lessons: what is a reasonable amount of practice/responsibility for the kid’s age? Hold them to that level of commitment, don’t let them do less, and be supportive if they choose to do more (but don’t “encourage” it if they don’t). Don’t let them quit on a whim but don’t make them stay forever. If they are just doing it for fun, let it be a thing where it doesn’t matter how great they are aside from reasonable effort, good attitude, etc. If they are serious about it, be honest about the amount of work it will take and help them set higher standards for themselves.

      Don’t start a toddler in ballet at Le Grande Academy For Serious Competitors, start at the community center’s 6-week Ballerina Bounce class. You can always upgrade their lessons if it’s something they decide to pursue more intensely later, but they don’t need to excel or become a professional to meet their potential as a person or a ballerina/pianist.

    5. PollyQ*

      Ask yourself this: What if they didn’t reach their full “potential”? What if they weren’t the “best in class” or even the best they could be? Would that still be a valid way to live their lives, and would that be acceptable to you?

      I didn’t quite grow up in a world of international toddler music competitions (WTF?), but my parents did have strong beliefs in my “potential” and pushed me hard to reach it. This actually did a huge amount of damage to me that I’m still dealing with decades into my adulthood.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this.

        Parents should support their children in what the kids want to do, rather than live vicariously through the kids’ achievements. I have nothing but profound contempt for parents who push their children too far.
        It’s also OK to stop doing an activity. Sure, if it’s just a mild complaint of not wanting to go, then I think it’s OK to push them a bit. But if the thought of going to what’s supposed to be a fun activity fills the kid with dread and they beg you to let them skip it, by all means let them, even in the middle of a season you’ve paid for.

        I’d also be very wary of letting my kid participate in any activity that required more than a few hours of their time every week. And no matter what, academic achievement in school is always, without exception, more important than any extracurriculars. It has to be said, though, that I’m in Finland where only academic achievement counts for admission to college, with art majors being the big exception.

      2. willow for now*

        I was also wondering about this. I don’t have kids, so no skin in the game. But how “tragic” is it if someone does not live up to their full potential? Most people do not live in Lake Wobegone. We are average at probably most things – sports, arts, school. Can’t we just trundle along and be “fine”?

    6. Still*

      This made me think about a post I’ve seen on tumblr, written from a perspective of an adult who was a “gifted” child and as a consequence has always been struggling with the feeling that she’s not reaching her full potential. I’ll link it in a reply.

      But overall I’d say: encourage your kids to try things that they’re not immediately good at. Encourage them to have a few goes at it, even if they fail at first. Normalise failure. Show them that trying is more important than being perfect. Praise improvement and perseverance more than perfection. Show them that enjoying the learning process is a goal in itself.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, this is so important, and it’s something I’ve tried to do with my son. He’s always been a bit wary of trying new things because he’s been afraid of failure, but I think he’s getting better at it.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Pushed child here, now grown adult.
      The number one thing I would point to is not making the child continue on with something that they are NOT succeeding at. I had eight years of swim lessons. Lessons involved crying and shaking and upset stomach. I have to start with this because it so obvious, except when it’s not. If the kid is not thriving, get them on to something else. My mother said “All of life will revolve around going swimming, if you do not swim you will not have friends.” These lessons gave me nightmares that went on into adulthood.
      As an adult I am finally able to realize that my mother should have been able to think that through better. As a kid, I learned that I will probably fail at most things in life- that was the unintended learning I had.

      I had flute lessons. I am convinced that my parents picked the flute to help correct my overbite. (Yeah….sigh.) I ended up with debilitating headaches from holding my jaw in a new position. I point blank said I wanted piano lessons instead. I won’t tell you what my mother said, because that’s kind of beside the point. As a kid, I knew what would work better for me and I was able to state it. Trust your kiddo’s ability to gravitate toward something that is right for them.

      Art lessons went well. I was okay at it. But I was not that interested in it because it was kind of lonely standing there painting away. And I tend to enjoy activities that have different components such as sewing with pattern layout, cutting then stitching. I was more apt to do a wider variety of tasks.

      “If they want to do piano, how do I make sure it’s for the right reasons?”
      I am not sure what you think the right reasons would be. Perhaps you are concerned that they are just saying it to please their parents? Well, whatever the concern, you can ASK them why they would like the piano. Brace yourself. I would have answered by saying, “I like music and the piano won’t hurt my mouth and give me bad headaches.” I was a kid. I could not express the bit about holding my jaw in a position that was not my normal position. So brace yourself for answers that seem weird to you, but make total sense to the kid.

      I never got my piano lessons.

      1. Imtheone*

        By the way, other kinds of art lessons would be more like sewing, with a greater variety of activities. For example print-making or pottery.

    8. Me*

      International toddler level music competitions, lol!!!

      We made sure our kids attended a good public school and were ready when they hit Kindergarten. We read a lot of books to them, talked to them, walked with them, camped with them etc. I tried just a regular toddler music group- you know, sitting around in a circle hitting a tambourine.

      My youngest cried at that class. We never went back.

      When we moved to our current home, we had instant play mates for our kids- same aged kids. Their mom said hey let’s share a piano teacher! The kids were 4 and 5. She did 30 minute group lessons, kept it fun and they eventually progressed to 15 minute individual lessons.

      Both my kids still play- they aren’t musical geniuses but I’d say it was a good choice to pay for their teacher all those years. We’re still friends with the teacher- she’s amazing.

      They went to the good public school and had a great education. The high school was small- small class sizes, great teachers and a counselor that pretty much cheerleadered them all into college.

      I raised two kids that were mathy, and wanted to be engineers. Oldest is in grad school getting 2 PhDs in engineering and the youngest is about to graduate with his engineering degree. Neither has debt and both got full rides to decent colleges that allowed them to follow their heart (one is into research, the other is just outdoorsy).

      Did piano get them their full rides? Nope. Being decent human beings helped. We didn’t push – we removed barriers and kept their childhood normal. We let them explore all sorts of sports and activities. They play piano and run. And they’re happy.

      I can’t ask for more. Happy well adjusted kids. That’s the goal. Not an international toddler music competition.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Your family sounds fabulous! Your kids are lucky to have you. And you’re lucky to have them.

        1. Me*

          Thanks. We are very fortunate to have such great kids, and I’ve always said that it’s less about us and more about them. No parent is perfect and there isn’t a “right” way to raise a child. I really wanted to be a better parent than my own and to have a great relationship with them as they reached adulthood. I’m still laughing about the idea of a international toddler music competition, because I don’t see that working out well for anyone but again, everyone parents differently.

      2. AGD*

        I grew up in a family like this and it was excellent. Warm, supportive, lively, and very overtly not the sort of pressure cooker that I watched make a lot of my classmates miserable and/or confused. All of us the now-adult kiddos have found their “thing,” in dramatically different directions but all really interesting and fulfilling.

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I think there are lots of right ways to do this. Those kids who are really amazing at something whose families support and push them towards excellence? That’s cool. Those kids who never do much organized anything because the family can’t or won’t spend money and time on it? That’s also cool. Those kids who don’t much care for [whatever] lessons but take them anyway because their families care about it? Also cool. Those kids who are fairly lousy at [whatever], but enjoy doing them anyway? Still cool.

      Not to say there aren’t wrong ways to raise a child. There are probably parents who have messed up all of the above scenarios. But there have also been children who thrived under all of them.

      I firmly believe there isn’t one perfect, ideal to raise a child. There are lots of good ways though, and which one you pick depends on you, depends on your family, and depends on your kid.

      (My mom’s advise is to find a family with great kids and make friends with the parents. Then, pay attention to how the kids are raised and how the family works. You can learn a lot by seeing how somebody else who isn’t your parents raises their kids.)

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        This one I’d disagree with: “Those kids who don’t much care for [whatever] lessons but take them anyway because their families care about it? Also cool.” I’ve seen too many unhappy kids trying to fulfill a parent’s dream.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Maybe if it gets that intense, it gets unhealthy. But I’ve also seen where the parent wants the kid to play a musical instrument as part of a well rounded education, or speak the ancestral language, or play at least one sport. It may not be a magical good time for the kid, but that’s ok. Sometimes people have to do things that aren’t much fun because they are good for us, and that is a valuable lesson too.

          If I were the parent in such a scenario, I would let the kid pick the instrument or sport, ask for competence rather than excellence, and choose a team or teacher that requires minimal time. Also, if the kid hates it, reconsider and check if the team or teacher is toxic or a bad fit. But if kids got out of educational things they disliked, a lot of them wouldn’t be in school at all.

          Come to think, a lot of the above paragraph applies to schools in general.

          1. allathian*

            I see where you’re coming from, but I still disagree. School is mandatory and no doubt most kids learn that they have to do every subject, whether they like it or not. The only reason to do extracurriculars is to have fun, and if the kid doesn’t enjoy any of the activities that the parents can afford or are available in the area, I don’t think it’s OK to force a kid to do them. A kid who grows up without doing any extracurriculars isn’t damaged, although I suppose in the US it might hurt their chances to get into college. But that said, many kids grow up without extracurriculars because their parents can’t afford to provide any.

            1. Jay*

              It all depends on everything. My kid had no interest in religious school, although she liked hanging out with her friends there. We insisted she continue with religious school and synagogue attendance through her bat mitzvah and then left it up to her. It was important to us that she have an adequate background in Judaism. That’s a core family value – and her dad and I also study and attend services regularly, so it was woven into our life.

              Everything else was what she asked for – piano and violin, for a few years, and dance, which was her thing. At least it was her thing until she was 11 or 12, when she got to the point where she had to do boring repetitious work at barre. She’d already dropped piano and was ready to drop violin, and that year she decided to drop dance except for one one-hour class a week (she’d been dancing 6-7 hours a week). She needs a lot of physical activity so we told her to pick something else – anything else – and she chose tennis. Fine. At the end of that year she said she wanted to drop everything – dance, tennis, violin, everything. We gave it a lot of thought and listened to her concerns, and we realized she was afraid of trying because she didn’t want to be bad at something. We wanted her to have the experience of being coached and building a skill and realizing she could get better than she thought – not to reach some pinnacle of achievement but to recognize that she can choose to do things that are hard if she wants. Basically we wanted her to experience the shift from fixed mindset to growth mindset (yes, we’ve read Carol Dweck because we’re just those kinds of nerds). So we sat her down in June and said “We want you to have some experience with being coached and working at a skill. We don’t care what skill it is – you can choose a sport or an instrument or visual art lessons or cooking classes or go back to dance. Doesn’t matter. But you have to pick something by the time school starts or we will pick something for you.” She chose to go back to dance and never looked back.

              She’s now 21. She stopped dancing at 18 (except on TikTok!). That’s fine. The benefits remain.

            2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              I guess I disagree that the sole purpose of extracuriculars is to have fun. Sports is great for exercise and learning to be part of a team. Learning your ancestral language lets you have a tie to that culture and allows you to communicate with cousins or elderly relatives if you go back to visit. Art gives you a different way of looking at the world and encourages an appreciation for beauty. Music is supposed to be good for the brain and gives you an appreciation for beauty in sound. All of these lessons teach you a skill that is worth having all on its own-I would want my kids to take flute lessons not only because they have fun, but because they learn to play the flute.

              Lots of kids mildly dislike music lessons or kind of like them but would drop them if allowed, but do them anyway because their parents make them. They are not damaged by it either.

              Now, if the kid has to do so many disliked extracuriculars that they don’t have time for just playing or doing things that they do like, I agree that is way too much.

    10. Analyst Editor*

      This is an interesting question.
      When I wanted to learn, my mom had me ask for two years, from age 5 to age 7, before beginning lessons and buying an electric piano not real one.
      With toddlers, they’re amazingly suggestible. They will think raisins are candy and cleaning is fun, if you turn it into a game. It’s all about your attitude. So if you watch them, play to their strengths, catch their interest, and remain realistic based on their personalities and attention span (i.e. do it when they’re fed and not sleepy, don’t expect longer than 15 mins of focus at a time, positive reinforcement only), you can make some good progress, especially if you find a good youtube lesson series or methodology book. If you’re a musician yourself you can even gently teach them good habits of how to place their hands, posture, whatever. If they have an ear and can pick up songs, or sing, you catch those moments, play along on the piano, do dances, whatever.
      I’ve had great success with ballet videos. My daughter is so into them, and the quality of her movement is amazing after a few months of these. I don’t think I’ll choose actual ballet classes but some kind of dance when she’s older for sure.
      Also: remember not to project your OWN issues on your kids too much. They won’t have your personality, and you aren’t your parents. They might be so passionate and so interested they’ll WANT more activities than you have money or time for, but it will look the same on the outside. Also, what makes a “pressure cooker” environment isn’t just the degree of activities: it’s the interaction of that, parents’ attitudes, and children’s personalities. You can’t control personality or talent, and your kids’ might be very different. You CAN control your own reactions and attitude, and I think if you can stay away from the most toxic (e.g. shame) and stick to things like reasonable boundaries (e.g., for an older child: you need to practice or I’m not paying for this anymore; we have X budget, pick the 2 activities you will commit to) and you’re fine.

    11. Analyst Editor*

      ALSO: there aren’t really right reasons for young kids. If they really want to, and keep asking you for a year, that’s a good reason. If you want to try them doing something they might find interesting and you encourage them through the power of suggestion, because they seem to have a talent and you found a good teacher, also good.

      ALSO: A good teacher who can transmit the love of an art, and give quality instruction that fits your child (i.e. where they care about good execution and progress and not just taking your money — and a good performer is not always a good teacher, and get along with your child), then the specific art form is less important. Your kid might be talented in dance and music, and you might find a brilliant dance teacher but everything musical in your area is expensive crap….then maybe dance is better and do music as an amateur on your own time or through band in middle school when the time comes.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I have known so many people who were crushed under the weight of their potential, and either abandoned the pursuit their parents pressured them about (despite real talent) or wound up unable to function as happy, productive adults when the big dream didn’t pan out.

      Don’t focus on their activities, or on competing with other people, or winning praise.

      Focus on who they are, instilling your values about the world & how to treat people. Focus on making them feel secure & worthy of love no matter what they do or don’t accomplish. Focus on character, judgment, and life skills that will make them productive and stable in any career.

      Then let them explore many different activities and go as hard as they want (and as you can support) after the ones that bring them joy.

      In the long run, true talent is about loving the thing you do. You won’t master anything or become a virtuoso unless you love it enough to put in the hours when nobody is forcing you.

    13. Jennifer*

      Relax! The fact that you’re worrying about this means you’re on it!

      IMHO, the most important thing is that you pay attention to your child’s needs, wants, and developmental stage. They want to practice, and are enjoying music? They enjoy lessons with their teacher? Full steam ahead, but remember the kid is the one doing the lessons: this isn’t about you.

      I’m also very, very pro- checking out the teachers ahead of time. I’ve watched all kids of different classes while checking out coaches (our kids play soccer) and club programs.

    14. OtterB*

      I think of it as a combination of breadth and depth. Kids should have the opportunity to explore lots of things, especially when they are younger, with no expectation that they will become expert or choose to continue it. As they get older (late middle school or high school, say) if they have something they are particularly interested in, then they can go into more depth on that.

      I think you need to make sure they know that you value them for being them, not for achieving. Achieving is something to celebrate but not something to build your identity around if you can help it.

  51. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

    Hi, all. I’m last week’s long-time, rent-controlled tenant whose building is being sold., and here’s my promised update:

    My deepest thanks to all of you who gave me such good and much-appreciated advice last week. Your practical and moral support helped me more than I can say, and I’m grateful to you all. In one short week this whole thing has turned into a much bigger deal than I’d hoped. Briefly:
    – The city housing authority investigator is contacting Landlady to inform her that there are very specific (and legally required) procedures that a landlord must follow in making a move-out offer to a tenant, and she has followed none of them. His basic message: “You have to do this correctly.”
    – He instructed me to pay my March rent. I hadn’t done so because we all figured March would be covered by my last-month’s rent (paid when I moved in). On his advice, instead of simply handing Landlady a check, I sent it by certified mail. Honestly, I don’t believe she would accept my check, simply not deposit it, and accuse me of nonpayment of rent, but … covering bases here. If things aren’t resolved in the next couple of weeks I’ll do the same with April rent.
    – Investigator told me that legally, I don’t have to move at all. Under rent-controlled status, and because I’m a long-term tenant in good standing, I can’t be evicted except for cause. None of my city’s 14 definitions of “cause” apply to me. On top of that, there’s currently a local Covid-related moratorium on evictions even if cause exists.
    – He also said that if I do want to move out, I shouldn’t do so until an equitable buyout agreement is reached; that in this regard, my continuing residence is serious leverage.
    – The big obstacle is still that Landlady wants me to move out and return keys a couple of weeks before I receive any buyout funds. She continues insisting that no funds are available until escrow closes.

    So that’s where we are. I’m still here. In the meantime, I’m trying to do some work (for income as well as maintaining sanity) and continuing to search for another place—so far, finding exactly nothing I can afford.

    Personally, I hate the idea that I’m now living in a place where I’m not wanted. In many decades of being a renter—and a world-class tenant, if I do say so myself—in multiple cities in four different states, I’ve never experienced that. And regardless of one’s age, life is too short to be living in an unfriendly atmosphere.

    If Landlady comes through with an offer that’s legally correct and fair to both of us (which means a simultaneous exchange of keys and certified check), I’ll take it. If not, I guess I’ll just stay here and do my best to ignore the guilt that Landlady’s daughter will be heaping on me (or trying to) because I “ruined the sale” and thus Landlady’s life by not simply going away quietly.

    I cling, firmly, stubbornly, to the hope that this can and will work out, and I’ll continue doing my best to not be a jerk to those around me.

    Thanks again to you all, I wish you good neighbors and good health. I’m looking forward with anticipation (and maybe a little dread) to whatever will happen next.

    P.S. to Lapgiraffe: It really helps to hear that you’ve been through this kind of thing and survived it. Thanks very much for that.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I really think these people are not safe for you to deal with directly. I don’t mean physically dangerous, but you are clearly a very conscientious person and it’s hard to not respond when people are trying to manipulate you through anger or guilt.

      I hope you can designate anyone – it almost doesn’t matter who they are or what their actual qualifications – for your landlady and her family to negotiate with. Then when they ambush you outside your front door, you can say, “Oh, Alonso is managing this for me. You’ll have to talk to him about it.” Whatever they bring to him in the way of actual offers, he can discuss with you. But you won’t have to interact with their Feelings constantly.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks, Not a Manager. In talking to landlady, her daughter, the realtor, etc., I’m now starting to pretend that I’m acting on behalf of some other person—it’s always easier to be a warrior on someone else’s behalf. So far, it’s working. I remain calm, collected, cool … and then I come home and eat Kit Kat bars with both hands.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Good for you! I frequently spin off a “parent” side of myself to act on my behalf. Keep taking good care of yourself.

    2. lapgiraffe*

      Oh I’m so so glad you got some legal guidance and they’ve been able to help you know exactly what rights you have, what to do, etc. I forgot all about the making sure we paid rent on time and have documentation aspect, so many little things I’ve kinda blocked out from that time period. It’s definitely tough to feel unwelcome in your own home, sending you some good vibes that you can find some peace of mind and the whole situation will find a good resolution, and good luck!!

    3. Anono-me*

      The homeowner decided to make money by becoming a landlady of her own free will. That carries certain responsibilities, both moral and legal. Your landlady can ignore the moral ones, but she has to abide by the legal ones.

      I suspect that the landlady could get another offer on the house very easily, but that this offer is much higher because it was made with the assumption that you could be quickly, quietly, and cheaply pushed out without needing to follow the law.

      To me this is similar to the requirement that tenants have working smoke detectors and running water.

      In summary, I think asking her to live up to her legal responsibilities as a landlady is both fair and reasonable.

      So don’t feel guilty because the landlady and her daughter are acting like spoiled brats and saying “It isn’t fair that you expect us to follow the rules.” If you are one of the super tender hearted people; Please consider what you would tell me was right, if I was the one who had the greedy landlady who wasn’t living up to her responsibilities.

      1. Dan*

        From a moral/ethical standpoint, I go both ways on this. But laws are laws, and if you buy property and intend on being a land lord in a rent controlled locality, you’re doing so knowing what you’re getting into. And if you don’t know? That’s on you.

        I got tangled up with someone who was trying to mom-and-pop landlord in a rent controlled locality, and most likely didn’t know what she was getting into. (She had an illegal duplex zoned as single family, and the way the zoning rules worked, she couldn’t keep the duplex as-is and make it legal.)

        We got into a tiff over some things that weren’t working right, and she wanted to play hard ball. The problem is, she had no idea what she was up against until it was too late. Was it fair or ethical that she lost what she did? We can debate that. Should she have known the rules and realized what she was getting into? I have a lot less sympathy there.

      2. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks for the encouragement, Anono-me. You’re right, and I appreciate hearing it.

      3. mreasy*

        Exactly this. Becoming a landlord means following the law. When other people’s housing – a human right if I may – is subject to your control, it has to be much more complex than just, I want to sell so you have to leave. I hope you will ask for enough of a buyout so that you can comfortably afford rent locally for the next decade, at least. That is what these buyouts are intended for.

        1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

          Thanks, Mreasy, and you’re right: laws have to be followed, and sometimes it gets complicated.
          I wish the buyout would cover a decade! The amount I’m holding out for, plus my fixed income (fairly small), plus my freelance work (also not large at the moment, but it could grow) will give me 12 to 18 months of breathing room so I can decide whether moving to a different state will make more financial sense.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Just for a bit of perspective, I pay $595/month for my one bedroom apartement in a Midwestern city. It’s not very updated, but is quite large and in a decent neighborhood. There are over a hundred places available on Zillow for less than $700, and a couple under $500. I checked a couple smaller cities in my state and they also have a lot of places in that price range, though proportionally less.

            Dunno what you are paying now, but low cost of living cities could be amazingly cheaper if you have nothing keeping you in LA.

            1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

              Hi, Elspeth. Thanks for the info, and you’re right.
              Yes, I am in a pretty expensive state. My “do I stay? do I leave?” dilemma is that what little family I have left is also here and, if possible, I’d like to stay within visiting range. Of course, staying just may not be possible or the most sensible decision.
              I do dream of living in a smaller town again. Am definitely in a big city at the moment, and finding a combination of “affordable” and “visiting range” here is like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube—which I was never particularly good at.
              The adventure continues. Thanks very much for your comment.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      The situation sounds so unpleasant, and I’m glad to hear you a legal advocate to guide you through your rights. I wish you the best possible outcome.

    5. Dan*

      This sounds *a lot* like Los Angeles, although from my recollection, the payment the land owner owes the tenant was dictate by statute, there wasn’t a “negotiation”. (And it could get pretty big, too.)

      The way it was explained to me is that as long as one was occupying the dwelling, the city would go to bat for getting payment and stopping the landlord from taking “self help” actions. However, if you move out, you can kiss that check good bye. I mean, it’s still possible to get it, but the city won’t pursue it, and what it costs to get a lawyer to help you argue will be more than the payout is worth, and that’s if you even get it. (Once awarded judgement, if the landlord still refused to pay, you’d have to take further steps.)

      It does suck to live somewhere where you’re considered a nuisance (coming from a lifelong renter too) but in this case, you probably are better off staying put until that check shows up.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Dan, you’ve got the geography correct. And after reading all the responses here, both today and last Saturday, I’m more resolved to simply stay here, patiently, until a reasonable offer is made. I think it will be; I don’t think my landlady and her daughter are any more interested in a long battle than I am.
        Also, in your earlier comment, yes, I think my landlady is a bit over her head with this. Interestingly, some years ago she also rented out part of her home; the fact that it was an illegal rental didn’t come to light until she tried to evict the person living there. I was very happy at the time that my apartment is and was legal.
        Anyway, thanks for the info and the thoughts. I’ll keep doing what I’m supposed to do, and also keep singing to myself, “Here I stand, and here I stay. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway …”

        1. comityoferrors*

          I’ve been thinking about you on and off this week, and I’m so happy to hear that you’re still in your place for now. It sounds really uncomfortable, but you deserve to be treated fairly in this process and the temporary discomfort helps guarantee that you get that treatment. So glad you have an advocate on your side, and so thrilled to see that your resolve and confidence is much higher this week. Good for you – stay strong!

          1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

            Hope this response isn’t too late for you to see, comityoferrors. Thanks very much for your note, and you’re right on all counts. I am feeling more encouraged. (Am tempted to go all philosophical here—you know, “if you don’t have valleys, you don’t have any peaks, either”—but will spare you that.)
            This current feeling of cautious optimism has grown from two sources, in pretty much equal parts: connecting with my city’s housing administration, and reading the comments and suggestions in this thread. I never expected this much of a response, and it’s made all the difference. I no longer feel like I’m all by myself in this.
            I really should change my posting name—it no longer applies. I do know, now, exactly what I need to do.
            Thanks, to you and all who offered support here.
            I will continue to remind myself: a year from now, this whole episode is going to make a great story to tell … can’t wait to see how it turns out …

  52. jleebeane*

    Anyone have experience with electric/hybrid cars that sit in the driveway the vast majority of the time?

    I’ll be in the market for a new car in the next year or two and I’m considering an electric car, or possibly a hybrid electric like the Prius Prime. My concern is that I just don’t drive that much. My husband and I share one car. We’re both working from home now and even when we do commute, we both use public transportation. We grocery shop weekly or so and, in non-pandemic times, will drive to see friends or for hobby shopping once or twice during the week. It’s easily less than 50 miles total most weeks, often less than 10.

    I’ve been trying to research the effect on the batteries of the car just sitting 95% of the time and being used for mostly short drives when it is in use, but I haven’t had much luck – all of my search terms have been too broad. I’d appreciate any advice or any resources you can direct me to for more information!

    1. Not A Manager*

      I think if you’re actually driving the car a few times a week, you’re okay. If you’re leaving the car to sit for longer, especially in cold weather, get a trickle charger.

      And don’t think that you can charge the battery by turning the car on and letting it idle. That won’t work for the hybrid cars. Or at least it didn’t a few years ago, ask me how I know. Maybe they’ve updated the design since then.

    2. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Buying an electric vehicle that you plug in may work better than a hybrid as the hybrid only recharges when being driven.

      Also, with that low of usage, you are definitely not going to see any savings with a hybrid vehicle. When I bought mine several years back, I calculated the cost difference between the increased cost of the car vs. the savings in gas and found that it was not going to save me any $ (driving 12,000 miles a year for 5 years) I purchased it anyhow because I would rather put my money into the hybrid technology rather than gasoline.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I replaced a 2002 Kia Rio with a 2007 Prius and find the gas mileage to be comparable. The Prius is a bit bigger and feels like a sturdier car. (The Kia gave up the ghost after 3 months of not going anywhere during lockdown, but it was on it’s last legs anyway). The Prius I paid about $3k for from a private individual and it has 200k miles on it compared to the 85k miles on the Kia, so I think the Prius makes a better long term investment, but the Kia was my gma’s before she had to give up driving.

        I drive about 30 miles round trip for work 5 days a week so I can’t speak to battery issues, but I really like my car! I would definitely get another Prius when this one dies. Maybe one of the wagon style ones.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      In the past year I tend to drive my Prius once every 3 weeks. Often less than 5 miles per trip. The battery (which is only 2 years old) has yet to die on me. If it were a 6-7 year old battery, I’d need to drive more frequently.
      The main difference to the year before that is I used to have at least one 60 mile trip a month.

    4. Squeebird*

      We have a 2007 Prius and we rarely drive as well, perhaps even less than you do. The battery hasn’t given us any problems while we’ve been driving it like that. It did die when we left the car for a few months during one winter, which was not entirely unexpected. We had someone give us a jump and then we just made sure to drive on the highway for about 30 minutes and it was fine.

    5. LibbyG*

      We have a Bolt, and we’re driving it maybe three times a week for pretty short distances. After a year of this we’ve not seen any difference in performance or lowered battery capacity.

    6. Blackcat*

      I have a 9 year old Camry Hybrid (same battery as a Prius of the same age, but much heavier car).
      There has been some battery deterioration, but it’s not awful. I average more like 38mpg (city) instead of like 42 when it was new. When we drive really infrequently, I do make sure to take it ~10 miles out every 2 weeks or so. But it definitely happens that it only gets driven 1-2x per week.
      Honestly, winter cold is the major impact on the battery. Performance suffers below freezing. It’s functionally a gas-only car below 0F.

    7. Ranon*

      Going all electric may be a better option- the battery management built into the car is a lot smarter so much less likely to be a problem with it sitting for long periods, and you’re also buying no oil changes and no other maintenance that comes with a combustion engine, which is surprisingly significant. And if the trips you’re making are that short you could probably find something affordable used that has a lower range.

      Or buy a cargo bike, those are fun and hold lots of groceries.

    8. Bob Howard*

      I have a plug-in hybrid. By pluging in at night I can get to work and back without using the petrol engine at all. However the engine management system insists on running the petrol engine roughly every 2 weeks whether I want it to or not, presumably to stop it seizing up. If you only have occasional use, you might find that a hybrid runs it’s petrol engine every time you take it out.

      If your living situation allows it, getting an EV charging point means that you can top up the battery while also using the “Heat or cool the cabin before departure” feature, which is very much worth it.

    9. Reba*

      I drive my Prius prime once a week and it’s working great! Even in the before times, it got out about 2-3 times only. Then we drive halfway across the country a couple times a year. That’s it!

      Have you tried searching and posting on the Prius Chat forum? that’s probably your best bet.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      Regarding idle vehicle & cold weather:
      I left my 2013 Prius undriven for over two weeks during the recent cold snap/blizzard. No problem getting it started, though I did take the precaution of making sure all accessories (heat, lights, radio, etc.) were turned off first. The starter is connected to the regular battery, not the hybrid system, so not that different than an old-fashioned gas guzzler. When the hybrid battery is low, the car just stays in gasoline mode without shifting to electric.

      The Prius hybrid battery charges when the brakes are applied, so a short drive with a lot of stopping and slowing charges better than an hour on an open expressway. I literally never left the parking lot that day, just did a lot of stopping and turning around. Topped up both batteries just fine.

      I can’t speak for an all-electric vehicle.

  53. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

    Hair color question!

    Inspired by the question about pink hair earlier this week, are there any easy to use home hair color products that will actually let me have visible streaks of fun color (pink, blue, purple, etc.) in my very dark brown hair? No, darker brown than that. My hair isn’t actually black, but at first glance it looks that way. Temporary color is fine (and honestly, probably preferable).

    1. Buni*

      We let the kids use hair chalks just for a fun weekend – if you’ve not seen them they look like sticks of pastel / chalk and they wash straight out. Otherwise it’s a sad truth that the darker your hair the harder it is to put lighter colours in without bleaching first.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I have streaks of grey just above my temples; I’ve been known to swipe my daughter’s hair chalks for fun weekend events.

        1. curly sue*

          It probably depends on your region, but here they’re on the pharmacy and grocery store shelves with the regular hair dye. There’s usually a small section for fun colours – permanent, semi-permanent, and one-wash. (Timely question! I just redid my tween’s purple hair for march break.)

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Artists chalk pastels are pretty much the same thing, without fun dispenser.

    2. fposte*

      I take it you’re asking about doing it without bleaching? I’d just get some L’Oreal Colorista semi-permanent color for brunettes, leave it in good and long, and see how it goes.

    3. WellRed*

      My hair is red (not natural) and I was sadly looking at the colorista and other products today at the drugstore. Not a lot of option, but there seemed to be some for darker hair.

    4. nnn*

      I have no insight, but I love your description of your hair colour as “No, darker brown than that”! My hair is the same colour, and that’s an incredibly useful description!

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      My hair is level 3 brown, and I have never had luck with fantasy colors taking. I have bought cute clip-in streaks for costume parties, though, have you considered those?

    6. Turtlewings*

      I don’t know if it’s as effective as it claims, having never used it, but Overtone has a “Purple For Brown” color that’s specially designed to show up on dark hair.

    7. Pharmgirl*

      Have you looked at overtone? They have a line “for brown hair”. It’s not as vibrant but maybe something to look into

    8. Girasol*

      My neighbor recommends Wilton paste food colors (in the party supply section of Walmart) painted onto a comb and combed into hair in streaks. I tried it and it’s easy. Blue shades are gone in one washing, reds come out in about three. Not sure if it would put color highlights in dark hair without bleaching, but it’s pretty harmless to try it and costs maybe $4 if you want all 8 colors to play with.

    9. Silence*

      For crazy hair day my sister gets coloured hair spray at dollar store which is visible on dark hair and washes out.

  54. Bulu Babi*

    IUD question: does anyone have experience with Jaydess? I’m planning to get one on my next period, and I’m getting the jitters. I’m mostly worried about effects on mental health and libido, as I’ve had depression a few years ago. I’d be happy to hear from you!

    1. Natalie*

      Have you had any IUD before, or are you comparing side effects to other hormonal methods such as the pill?

      1. Bulu Babi*

        It would be my first IUD; I’m 35. I was on the pill (different types) as a teenager and in my early twenties, then nothing (just condoms) for a long while and now one year after childbirth the nuova ring. The latter was fine, mental-health-wise, but it gave me very abundant periods and I’m already usually low on iron, so I’m looking for something that shouldn’t have that effect.

        1. Natalie*

          So as mentioned, the amount of hormones in the IUD is orders of magnitude lower than the pill, and the one you named is specifically a very low dose one, much, much less likely to have those kind of side effects.

          I’ll plug my work indirectly – the best IUD insertion is generally going to be someone who does a lot of them. So try a reproductive health clinic in your area.

    2. pieforbreakfast*

      If you’re concerned about hormonal birth control and depression/ libido loss the IUD is much less likely to lead to this as the hormones are localized vs systemic as they are in pills. I had this discussion with my gyno at one point (I work in mental health w young women and wanted BC info to advise with.) YMMV if there is extrasensitivity w hormones I guess.
      I personally am on my 4th IUD (Mirena) and have no negatives to tell. I learned when on my 2nd that I have a blood clotting disorder that hormonal birth control usually exacerbates. My PCP looked into it and cleared me for having the IUD anyway.

    3. SpringIsForPlanting!*

      Mirena (same active ingredient I think) absolutely tanked my mental health. It was especially bad because I didn’t realize what was up at first so I had nothing to point to as an “oh actually this is chemicals messing with your brain” thing. I’m sure a lot of people don’t have those effects, but if you go for it I would say definitely pay attention/monitor the effects in consultation with your mental health providers so if you do have issues, they get recognized.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Jaydess is 13.5mg of the ingredient, while Mirena is 52mg. So you got a little under 4x the amount that Jaydess would deliver.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I don’t have Jaydess, I got my Mirena a few years ago.

      I’ve had no change in weight, mental health, libido, etc. I do take anxiety meds and depression meds, but started those after I got the IUD.

      Getting it in my case was like…10 seconds of excruciating pain and then a few sore days. It hurts to have something go the wrong way up into your uterus haha, but it was SO fast.

      I had three ovarian cysts removed a few years after getting it, but as far as we know, they were not related.

      It’s been nothing but wonderful, honestly. No periods once I got the cysts removed, no cramping, and zero pregnancy scares.

    5. Bulu Babi*

      Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses! It seems indeed like it’s the lowest dosage I could get in any hormonal contraceptive, and the fact that’s locally applied should also minimize mental health effects. I’ll go forward with the procedure and keep an eye out for possible side effects.

  55. WellRed*

    Uh, admittedly, when I first read your comment, I thought “performing in international toddler music competitions” was you being facetious, but I suspect maybe you are serious. Yikes!

  56. MsChanandlerBong*

    I know the new stimulus bill just passed and nothing is 100% yet, but does anyone know if you will receive the next stimulus payment if the IRS still has not processed your 2019 return? We received the first payment last year, but we did not receive the second one because our return had not been processed (but don’t worry, they cashed our check four days after we sent it). We were never informed we would not get the payment; it just never showed up.

    We are not desperate for the money, which is good, but we owe the IRS a little over $5,000 from a major tax mistake in 2017. If we get the $2,800, we can use it to cut our balance in half, which would reduce the interest and penalties that keep accumulating (we actually only owe $4,017, but the accrued interest is at $909, and the penalty is at just under $500). That would free up the $150 per month we’ve been paying on it, which would give us extra money to put toward other debts.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I would go ahead and file your 2020 return. But if you owe them money, they could take it out of the stimulus if you claim it as the Recovery Rebate Credit, since it comes to you as a tax return.
      Article in reply:

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I don’t think the third payment has anything to do with my 2020 return. It’s being issued in 2021, so won’t I have to deal with it on next year’s taxes?

    2. Aphrodite*

      I received mine on Friday morning. Yes, yesterday. Earlier this year and in response to the pandemic, my credit union changed to record all deposits as soon as they are in (the national clearing house?) so there is no waiting at all.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I’m guessing we’re going to be screwed out of it again. Get My Payment says “Payment Status Unavailable.” Which is what it said when we didn’t get the last one. I wish I could call them up and say thanks for nothing, but heaven knows they don’t answer the phone. I understand why they’re behind and don’t fault them for it, but you think they’d put something in place to help the people who submitted their returns on time.

        1. Enough*

          They have till Dec 31, 2021 to pay out the stimulus. And I believe that you can claim it on your tax return next year just as you could claim it like this year if you didn’t receive yours.

          1. Natalie*

            Yes, they use the information they have on file now, but if something changed during the tax year that they don’t know about, you collect it when you file the return. We had a baby in 2020, so we didn’t receive the depending amounts in our direct deposit because she wasn’t on our 2019 taxes, but when we filed for 2020 we received them.

            So assuming you otherwise qualify, you should receive the 2nd round of payments when you file your 2020 return.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I searched for “payment status unavailable”. In my reply here I will put a link to an article that looked like it might be helpful?

            1. MsChanandlerBong*

              Yeah, this is what happened last time. They have my 2019 return, and they cashed my check four days after I mailed it, but they still didn’t process it. So they “couldn’t get my information from my 2019 return” even though the return is in their possession. We’re eligible for it; we just didn’t get it.

                1. MsChanandlerBong*

                  I tried to file, but it was rejected because my 2019 AGI didn’t match their records. I am going to change the AGI to $0 to see if that fixes it (because if they didn’t process the 2019 return yet, then maybe they have no 2019 AGI on file?). TurboTax says to put$0 if you didn’t file in 2019, so I am hoping that works.

  57. MCL*

    Hi! I posted last week that my husband had tested positive for Covid, and that I was still negative, feeling fine, and that he was isolating as much as possible at home. Last weekend I was writing on day 5 of his illness and he was not having a good time. He started getting better on Monday, and his last day of isolation was Friday and he’s feeling recovered. I have continued to test negative and continue to feel fine. Right now we’re re-integrating the bedroom and I have taken the opportunity to purchase new bedding (our comforter was looking elderly anyway, and after he was sick and using it for 10 days I asked him to put the old one straight into the trash). Thanks for your reassuring words. I have 12 more days of quarantine before I can get vaccinated (fingers crossed that I remain covid-free).

  58. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I hope this is OK to ask here!

    For background, I tried to begin the process of getting an ADHD/ADD diagnosis. Pretty sure I’ve had this since I was at least 18 and it’s been exacerbated since I began working full time. It Took me several hours of phone calls to get to the right place. Lots of them said they couldn’t help me based on my insurance, didn’t provide that screening etc even though all my search filters within my insurance directory had those specific filters.

    I have an appt in 7 weeks to get a physical neuro psych test done. By the time I can actually meet with a psychiatrist it’ll be 3 months with no guarantee of being helped. I say that last part because I’m an overweight woman with other issues, more likely than not I will be dismissed without real help; it’s happened to me in the past so I have to be prepared for that possibility .

    I’ve read on other forums that doctors are loath to Rx ADD/ADHD medication for fears of abuse, which I understand. I have needed Xanax and post surgical pain medicine in the past and did not abuse them although not sure how can I prove that…

    So my question is multi fold –

    Does it really take months/years to get a diagnosis? I was not expecting my primary to just provide an Rx but I was surprised that I had to make multiple calls and wait so long. Is it really this challenging to get a diagnosis and I need t adjust my expectations?

    I saw an ad on my feed for a service called “done” that is an online support for ADHD management They claim to have a straightforward process to getting diagnosed and treated. Does anyone have experience with this?

    Finally – (for background) one of the places I called the doctor said that they didn’t screen for ADD/ADHD even tho their profile said they did. They kept saying they only help adults and geriatric, not children (I was very confused by this as I am not a child). For those who are seeking therapy and treatment, how do they even begin? When I is talk therapy I just found a psychologist near my office and that was that. Seems like some doctors only treat certain conditions, which If I compare to physical doctors, that makes sense. But still…. what if someone doesn’t know what They have, do they just go to different doctors? Is it like seeing a primary who gives out referrals but for mental health?

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Just read the topic above. So to be clear I am not asking for advice on how to treat my anxiety. Just a few questions that came up during my search that I was curious about.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type in my 20s through a neuropsych exam that took place over two long sessions. I don’t recall the appt being difficult to get – the neuropsych was part of the counseling center I was established at. I think I was referred, but I can’t recall if it was from my psychologist or psychiatrist (both were at that center).

      After the diagnosis, I was sent back to my psychiatrist for meds. Not all ADHD meds are stimulants and I hate how so many places treat it as such. My place was fine with both stimulant and non stimulant avenues. I only tried non stimulants for family history reasons.

      For what it’s worth, none of the meds ever worked, even a bit, and the neuropsych concluded that the ADHD symptoms were from my other mental health issues and not true ADHD. I’m not sure if stimulants would have made a difference (neither doc seemed to think so with 0 reaction to the others). Treating the other things does seem to help those symptoms, though.

      All in all, while I’ve heard how hard a diagnosis is for some, that wasn’t my experience. I think being established at a clinic already that also happened to offer these services really helped.

      My current insurance offers a service for pairing up people with mental health services- maybe see if yours offers something like that?

      If you’re just not sure what you have, need, etc. I would try to see about places that offer psychological evaluations – it’s at least a place to start.

      Searching for mental health services suck – it really shouldn’t be so hard.

      Wishing you the best of luck in finding and getting what you need!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you for sharing your experience.

        One of the places I called did mention I had to be part of their clinic, so when I gave them my insurance information they said they couldn’t help me because of my insurance. Even though they were showing up in my insurance directly.

        I have talked to a psychologist for some time (I considered that therapy but maybe Im wrong about that?) and finding them was really easy – just went through my insurance website and found them near my office – but eventually it turned out to be not a good fit.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Some folks with ADHD just don’t respond to meds. It’s a minority, but it’s a real thing.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Tangent and not directly related: Over all our medical systems move slowly. My husband was diagnosed in his 12th week out of work, he died in the 13th week. In those 12 weeks he had 67 doctors appointments and testing appointments. He never started treatment.

      I did a deeper dive looking into this and I found that a surprising number of people die each year just while waiting for their diagnosis. Our systems move slowly and there are so many reasons why. I’m not saying it’s right but it just seems to be an experience a lot of people have.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Miniscule to NO comfort, I am sure. But what you are describing sounds familiar to me.
          People need relief NOW and they have to hold their hands on their butts and wait.

    4. RagingADHD*

      My process was very straightforward. There were a few delays in waiting for appointments or paperwork, but no different than you might have with getting in to see any new provider or getting a test report back.

      From discussions I’ve had with others in the community, it seems like there is a lot less hesitancy in the US than the UK and other places to dx and treat adult ADHD, because it makes such a dramatic difference in quality of life and the meds are usually low risk and well tolerated for most people.

      I asked my Primary doc, she referred me to a psychologist, we did one appointment for an interview, he dx’ed me, she prescribed. I had to follow up with the psychologist once because he has ADHD too and forgot to fax the report. But all in all, it was just a couple months.

      Maybe everything is taking longer because of pandemic stuff. Most MH providers (and healthcare in general) are swamped right now.

      Yes, it’s normal for MH providers to specialize. Some do pediatric ADHD, not adult. My provider now is a psychatric RN/NP who works inside a general therapy practice with several providers.

      Usually you can find people’s specialities through their listing in your health insurance directory, or on their website. It sounds like the person you spoke with wasn’t listening or processing your question right.

      Wishing you luck!

      (And FWIW, weight issues are highly consistent with ADHD in girls & women. It’s a well-known association for providers who are up to date about the condition.)

  59. Yellow Warbler*

    I just heard Post Malone covering Hootie during my drive home, and I am having an existential crisis.

    What was your “Holy f*** I’m old” moment?

    2. Cat Tree*

      In my late 20s, so probably 8ish years ago, I was browsing Facebook and saw a picture of someone and thought she looked “old” (really, middle-aged). And since we went to college together, I realized that I was the same age as her so also old.

      I also felt old when I had a party on a Saturday night and still felt hungover on Monday morning.

    3. nep*

      A few years back when a young woman ringing me up at a thrift shop asked me if I qualify for the senior discount. (AH, so all those people telling me I looked younger than 50 are liars!)
      One thing to look forward to, anyway…senior discounts.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Don’t worry too much – a lot of young people think anyone more than 10 years older than them are old.

    5. fposte*

      Kid round the corner, whom I’ve exchanged the occasional friendly socially distanced word with, calls out to me playfully “Hi, Granny!” Initial yikes, but also was flattered by the relationship, so I’ll take it.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Hearing all the 80s heavy metal and hard rock I loved (and still love) being referred to as “classic rock.” UGH.

      1. acmx*

        Similar to this is when I realized one of my favorite songs was older than a coworker (who considers the band ‘classic’).

        1. tangerineRose*

          When I explained Y2K to a co-worker who I think was a teenager when it happened and didn’t remember much about it, I felt kinda old.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah, Y2K. I remember having to go into work on New Year’s Day to complete a checklist to make sure all systems were up and running. I was working in a bank branch at the time, so Y2K was a big deal. Of course, it turned out to be a non-event. We did our checklist and went home after a half hour.

      2. Lilith*

        Heard a current popstar being interviewed on the radio the other day, picking the tracks she wanted played – she went for one of the first Spice Girls songs as her ‘oldie song’ as it came out before she was born.

        It was very startling!

    7. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      Shopping at Michael’s craft store, and hearing Poison on the in store music. A power ballad, but still an 80’s hair band. I remember thinking to myself that this meant I was now part of their target demographic.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I was in ikea a couple of years ago and they started playing Depeche Mode on the in-store music. All around me I could hear other 40-somethings quietly singing along. I knew I was in the right place.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      my childhood crush, Taylor Hanson just had his 7th child.

      rewatching the first episode of Friends and realizing that I’m older than the characters at both start and finish of the show.

      rewatching That 70s show and relating more to Red and why he was such a hardass on Eric.

      1. Something Blue*

        Re: 70s show: I had a similar reaction to Han Solo and General Organa in the recent Star Wars movies!

        I totally understood why Solo felt too old to get involved again but did anyway. (Bc you want the young people to have a chance to survive to be old like you)

        And why Organa was so mad at Poe—she was running a whole war! She didn’t have time/energy/resources to deal with one fighter pilots ego!!! Just do what you’re told, soldier!!!

        Amazing to realize how grown up I’d become!

    10. Cruciatus*

      I’m almost 40 and still feel 16…but this week at work the student workers didn’t know/had never heard of Muppet Babies and then later I was excited because I was going to hear Sean Astin speak and nope, no clue who that was either (also, Sean Astin was a great interview–I recommend listening to him if you ever can). One of the students had seen LotR but didn’t remember which one was Sam (WHY?! HOW!?), and the other hadn’t seen that or Stranger Things. I then made the mistake of mentioning his mom, Patty Duke, thinking maybe they had heard of the Parent Trap or the theme song. Nope. Just blankness. I think those two students aren’t big on pop cultural things anyway, some are, but it was still a blow to the old psyche.

      1. Zelda*

        I got to quote Carl Sagan’s “We are starstuff” line to one of my students, who looked at me blankly and had no idea who Carl Sagan was. Which… well, okay. But then I called on a colleague to back me up that Carl Sagan was a Significant Dude– and *my colleague* was too young to know who Carl Sagan was. Oof.

    12. Aurora Leigh*

      My husband came home from work one day and told me his new coworker was born in 2000! Like yes, that makes them 20 years old and it’s not a job that requires a bachelor’s, but it was still mindblowing to both of us that people with no memory of 9/11 at all are entering the workforce. (We’re only in our early 30s for context).

    13. Might Be Spam*

      My daughter started to treat me as an old person when the CDC said people over 60 were more vulnerable to Covid-19. Yet at 63 I am not old enough to be on any priority lists. After a solid year of being treated as old and fragile I’m feeling old. I’m trying to fight the feeling, but it’s hard because I can’t do any of my favorite activities.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have been seeing a lot of this age awareness stuff coming to the foreground. I think that everyone is more aware even of their peers ages. However there is that trap where younger people think 65 is OLD. Oh my.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          It’s especially aggravating because the women in my family live a long time. With any luck, I’ll most likely live past 100. I’ve got 40 years to go. I’m too young to be old.

    14. allathian*

      Both my beautician and my hairdresser are young enough to be my daughters, without me being a teenage mom.

      Many cops and security guards are starting to look like they’re too young to drink.

    15. Jay*

      This was quite a while ago – probably 2012 or 2013, so I was in my early 50s. I was talking to a med student about 9/11 and she said they all got sent home. I said “Where did you go to college?” She said “I went to Penn State, but on 9/11 I was in middle school.” Oh.

    16. Bois de Renne*

      Explaining what a transistor radio was to a colleague during a White Elephant game ………
      For a more general way to feel old look up the Mindset List – originally put out by Beloit College, now by Marymount.

    17. PhyllisB*

      I turn 70 next week. It just hit me that I am technically an elderly person now. My mother (90 years old) said, “no you’re not, you’re middle aged.” I told her I didn’t think many people live to be 140 years old. Yep, I’m elderly.

  60. old biddy*

    Has anyone who got their first Pfizer COVID vaccine gotten a delayed reaction rash on somewhere other than their upper arm? I had itchy skin and a few hives on my face/neck about a week after I got mine. My ears were a little itchy and my eyelids were puffy.
    I’m not sure if it’s related, though.

    2. Pamela Adams*

      My dad had that- a rash at the injection site that showed up a few days out. It went away, no problem.

  61. Filosofickle*

    I’m considering growing out my natural color + grays after dying my hair some shade of light auburn / strawberry blonde for 30 years. Basically since reaching adulthood. My natural color is a mousy dark blonde / light brown with sprinkles of silver plus white streaks around my face. While started graying extremely early, my primary reason for the dye was wanting a more interesting color! I do it myself so it doesn’t cost much. I adore my color and do a good job at it.

    But this year I’ve been inspired by so many women going gray! While I thought I’d wait til my 50s, there’s a voice in my head whispering that it’s time. It is getting a lot harder to maintain myself and it does take up a lot of brain space. I love the idea of shedding this expectation of women and embracing who I am. There’s empowerment in changing what you want to change, and there’s empowerment in accepting what you have. There’s no right answer. What’s tough is it will take two awkward years to grow it to see if I like it. I would likely invest in pro color to help blend and ease the transition.

    I think I can handle the age perceptions, especially since it’s becoming more normalized and I look young. What occurred to me this week, though, is that I may feel pressure to look more “polished” in other ways — sleeker hair, more makeup, less casual clothing — to compensate for perceptions of “letting myself go”. (Putting all this in air quotes because this is not how I think gray should be perceived. But people do think this way and I’m not immune to that.) My hair has done a lot of work to add brightness and energy to my appearance as I typically wear little to no makeup. Also, I’ve been transitioning to my natural waves as well so my hair is often fairly messy and wild these days. Wild hair plus silver…well, it’s a totally awesome look if you can pull it off! I’m not sure I can! Last thing: I’m also fat. The idea of being a middle aged, fat, gray haired lady…that is a lot of fronts to have to feel strong on simultaneously. This may be the deal breaker.

    Right now I’m letting it go a couple of months so i can properly see my roots. Then I’ll decide if I’m up for this right now. What have been your thoughts on going gray? I’d love to hear from people who’ve been through the transition, whether you embraced it or didnt’ like it after all.

    1. TX Lizard*

      I can’t speak to what the transition is like myself, but just popping in to say that I love the way grey hair looks and don’t think it looks any less polished. I am always jealous of women with naturally silver/graying hair and hope that’s in the cards for me down the road! I bet you’ll look great!

      1. Filosofickle*

        There is gorgeous, striking gray! My white temple streaks might be very cool. I have populated my IG feed with gray hair transitions to start normalizing it for me. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen gray hair shades I do not covet. I’d love to say I could embrace my natural hair as beautiful no matter what but I’m not there yet. :/

    3. Barbara McKenzie*

      I started the transition to gray the day before my 65th birthday. I had shoulder length medium blonde with highlights and lowlights and about 1″ of new roots (white bangs and gray elsewhere). I picked out a short, layered cut. The longest length was about 4″. My stylist added a lot of extra-light highlights and a silver toner. The next month I had 2″of new roots and got a trim with more highlights and silver toner again. The 3rd month, just a trim. By the 4th month- all natural. Stylish cut, white hair, saving $60 a month at the salon and no regrowth showing. I can always grow it longer or color it again, but I’m loving the new natural (and chubby) me. Go for it!

      1. Filosofickle*

        Thank you! That was one of my first steps, finding IG accounts to follow so I could normalize it in my feed. Especially ones with a similar pattern / color / wave to my hair. I’ll check this list out, too. :)

    6. GoryDetails*

      Not sure if this is helpful, but I’m in my late ’60s and still have relatively few grey hairs – a few scattered throughout the brown, and a couple of almost-streaks near my ears, but not enough for me to enjoy the silver. (My family tends to run this way or – for the extreme opposite – to go completely grey early; my aunt had pure white hair by her 40s. My mother’s hair faded as the grey slowly outnumbered the brown, but never did go silver, just a kind of autumn-ash…) I’m content with my hair as it is, though I admit that a more dramatic silver streak or two would have been nice. Not nice enough for me to try and bleach it that way, though!

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’ve let my silver shine since lockdown started. You’re right that it takes a long time – it’s been a full year for me, and the roots have grown out about six inches but not more than that. I wear my hair longish and had a lady come to my backyard a few months ago and chop off most of the ends, but I’m not switching to a pixie cut so it will be awhile until it’s all grown out.

      I love it, personally. My hair has a lot of silver and I think it’s pretty. BUT it’s also aging for me, there’s no question. I don’t mind but it’s hard on my spouse. I’m still toying with changing it back for that reason once things open up.

      I think letting it grow out enough to frame your face so you can see how you like it is a good idea. Also, it turns out that the color process also affected my hair texture, in a good way. I had more frizz and flyaways at the roots than I do on the ends when I stopped coloring. I’ve had to experiment with products but I’ve sorted it out, mostly.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        6 inches a year is actually average hair growth speed, from what I understand. Mine seems to be growing roughly in that range now that I’m actually paying attention. I thought I was slow, because it took forever to grow out. Nope, just impatient (and too prone to generous trims.)

      2. Filosofickle*

        I’ve heard that about frizz! Ugh. My hair grows around 6-8 inches/year, and my hair is twice that long. I’d probably take off a good bit at the very end to speed it up, but I’m not prepared to change so much at once and go gray + short before that.

        For my partner, it will actually be better for him if I look older. People perceive him to be 10-20 years older than me even though we’re the same age. I look younger than my age, and people see his gray beard and assume he’s older than he is. (Which is one reason I know this will happen to me!)

    8. Whiskey on the rocks*

      I added more grey to my hair! The natural grey was enough to be noticeable but little enough that I just felt self-conscious about it. So my hair stylist added some more, and I. Love. It. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments as well. However I have found that I feel more “messy” when I’m not dressed and made up as well – but I’m a person who prefers that anyway. Plus, I agree, you can always recolor it if you aren’t feeling it!

    9. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      A friend of mine decided to go grayish after years of coloring. She has thick, fairly long hair that had been a very natural-looking auburn. Once she decided she wasn’t going back to coloring, she had the still-auburn part professionally stripped to match the new growth.
      I had it easy. My red hair had faded to blondish, so I colored it a nice light blond. Then I didn’t do it for awhile and I realized my hair was the exact same color as what I’d dyed it. Except the back, which had an unfortunate dead mouse shade. But I couldn’t see it, so that was other people’s problem! :) Then I had a year with health issues and surgeries and it turned that dead mouse into an almost-white one, so now it looks light blond all over.
      Tip for controlling natural hair and making it look really nice: good old-fashioned VO-5 in a tube. It conditions, controls, and adds shine.

    10. allathian*

      I haven’t been to a hairdresser for more than a year, and for the first time since I was in elementary school, my hair’s grown past my shoulders. It used to be a pretty drab mid-brown color, and the gray highlights that have been increasing as the years go by actually give it more life. My hairdresser always says how nice it looks.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I admit a motivator for growing it out is that my current and prior stylists have raved about how pretty it will be. What if they’re right?! I’ve always thought it would be drab, but they can see my roots better than me.

        1. Workerbee*

          So, the top/front part of my hair has been going silver for years and years, with brown still underneath, and I have no intention of coloring it. The rest of my (very long) hair is just brown. My hairdresser raves every time: “I can’t WAIT for you to go all silver! That’s going to look so cool!”

          Me, I don’t know. It’ll happen one day, in the meantime I still like my brown and what the sunlight does to the silver, but what bugs me is (a) people I don’t know as well refer to me as “that grey-haired lady,” which, I am much more than my hair, and how can they not see the majority of my hair isn’t grey? and (b) It is NOT grey, it is silver! /rant

    11. RagingADHD*

      Gray hair needs more moisture, and can look yellow from buildup.

      Using a good purple-toned shampoo and conditioner has made a big difference in how bright & polished my gray looks.

      1. Bluebell*

        I started growing out my hair in Summer 2019, so it was pretty much finished by Summer 2020. I use Theorie’s Purple Sage shampoo, which gives it nice purple undertones.

  62. TX Lizard*

    I would love to know everyone’s favorite (relatively simple) savory bakes! I have the itch to bake and don’t have much of a sweet tooth. I don’t mind looking for specific recipes once I have an idea, but I’m having a hard time getting creative about what kinds of things I could bake that aren’t desserts. Bonus points for easy to find ingredients or creative/unusual flavors. Thanks!

    1. Buni*

      These sound overly-simplistic but I promise you, they’re the best thing I’ve ever eaten and I can clear a whole tray while they’re still cooling:

      Cheese crackers, made of equal weights butter, plain flour and cheese. I usually grate the butter to rub into the flour, then grate the cheese and squish it all together. It makes quite a wet dough but chill it for a while then just roll out & cut with plenty of flour on the surface. That’s it. Egg wash and sprinkle with crystal salt. I get fancy now and then and add rosemary, or smoked paprika, but they’re SO. GOOD.

        1. Buni*

          Anything strong – a really mature cheddar or red leicester, or something smoked (I LOVE smoked cheese).

      4. Schmitt*

        I’m probably too late – but how thick do you roll them out, do you cut them into shape pre-paking, mid-baking or just crack them after, and how long in the oven at what temp???

        1. Buni*

          5-7mm – if the butter was nice and cold they’ll puff up. Cut pre-baking but chill the dough first and flour the surface really well because the dough’s really sticky/wet – use as hard a cheese as pos! 10-12 minutes at 180-200C, they’ll come out a little soft but harden as they cool.

    3. BRR*

      My go to’s are quiche, pot pie, biscuits, and breads. I recently did hand pies with cooked spinach, goat cheese, hot sauce, and an egg that were amazing.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I have an egg yolk allergy and while I loathe eggs, I LOVE quiche and miss it very much. :(

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I’m not sure if this would be considered simple–that’s usually subjective–but I love these corn muffins from Cooks Illustrated. I don’t have a link so I’ll just paste the recipe I have here.

      Savory Corn Muffins with Scallions and Cheddar

      2 cups yellow cornmeal, to be divided (I use Bob’s Red Mill medium grind corn meal)
      1 cup all-purpose flour
      1 1/2 tsp baking powder
      1 tsp baking soda
      1 1/4 tsp salt
      1/2 tsp pepper
      1/4 tsp dry mustard
      Pinch cayenne pepper
      1 1/4 cups milk
      1 cup sour cream
      8 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly
      3 TB sugar
      2 large eggs, beaten
      1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese (use sharp or extra sharp for the best taste)
      5 scallions, thinly sliced

      1. Heat oven to 425F. Adjust the oven rack to the upper- middle position.
      2. Either grease or line a 12-cup standard muffin tin with disposable liners.
      3. Whisk 1 1/2 cups cornmeal, flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, pepper, mustard and cayenne together in a medium bowl.
      4. In a large bowl, combine milk and remaining 1/2 cup cornmeal. In a microwave, cook cornmeal–milk mixture for 1 1/2 minutes, then whisk thoroughly. Continue to microwave in 30-second increments, mixing in between, until the mixture is thickened to a batter-like consistency. The whisk will leave a clear line across the bottom of the bowl that slowly fills in. This will take 1 to 3 minutes longer.
      5. Whisk butter, sugar, and sour cream into cooked cornmeal until combined.
      6. Whisk in eggs, scallions, and cheese until combined.
      7. Fold in flour mixture until thoroughly combined and the batter is very thick. Divide batter evenly among prepared muffin cups; it will mound slightly above the rim.
      8. Bake until tops are golden brown and toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 13 to 17 minutes, rotating muffin tin halfway through baking to ensure even cooking.
      9. Let muffins cool in muffin tin on wire rack for 5 minutes, then remove muffins from tin and let cool 5 minutes longer.

      Next time I make these I want to add bacon. I’d also like to make it as a cornbread loaf in my cast iron frying pan.

    7. MCL*

      Savory galette is one of my faves. Smitten Kitchen has some good recipes. My favorite is the summer one with tomatoes, corn, and zucchini

    8. pieforbreakfast*

      Check out the King Arthur flour website. Great recipes and helpful tips. They recently had a post on different flat breads that looked awesome.

      1. D'Euly*

        Their Pane Bianco looks waay more challenging than it is, and is amazingly delicious! Filling can be varied to suit your taste.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I always liked to make puff pastries using Pillsbury puff pastry sheets. Usually the fillings would be a leftover curry, they were a great way to repurpose leftovers imo.

      One recipe I found during lockdown was cheesy biscuits using Pillsbury crescent rolls. If you’ve ever had the red lobster cheddar bay biscuits, these are a good creative sub. link following.

    10. The teapots are on fire*

      Food Wishes has a fantastic tomato tart when the good, garden fresh tomatoes come in. Highly recommended, but i agree with him it requires garden tomatoes and not the ones in the grocery store. You need a lot of tomato flavor to make it work. It has tomatoes, mustard, and a little tiny bit of cheese with herbes de provence on puff pastry.

    11. Skeeder Jones*

      The best savory bake I’ve ever had is puff pastry monkey bread made with Gruyere and Everything but the Bagel seasoning. Sometimes I throw some pancetta in there too. My friends and I named them Devil Nuggets because they will take over your life. So good!

    12. Charlotte Lucas*

      I do a lot of “complicated” baking, but sometimes simple is perfect. Savory muffins are a nice option. Corn muffin recipes of all kinds are easy to find online. Many years ago, I won Esther Brody’s 500 Best Muffin Recipes in a drawing, & they really are some of the best muffin recipes I’ve ever come across, with many savory options.

      I also second using puff pastry. You can use it in all kinds of savory baking.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      Just made an apple oatmeal pudding with golden raisins and apricots. It’s more breakfasty, rather than sweet. Yum!

  63. Almost Academic*

    How do you budget, when you actually have money?

    (touches on work, but seemed more like an open thread question – feel free to remove if it’s more appropriate for the work open thread!)

    I come from a modest background. I’m generally very responsible with money and live within my means. My annual earnings have been <$25k for the past 10 years (USD) and I've made it work. Thanks to a switch in ~the place that shall not be named~ I'm about to jump up to just under $170k in annual earnings. Part of that will be eaten up by a location switch to a much higher CoL area, but it's still an unbelievable amount of money for me. And, I don't know how to handle it? I'm so used to coupon cutting and saving for any possible next expense that could wipe out my account, I never learned what is appropriate for spending on…fun things? myself? I'm worried that I'm either going to spend it all on frivolous things, or save it all and make my life harder than it should/needs to be in the short term.

    If you jumped incomes in the past, or have been stable in your finances, how do you recommend dividing up your income for savings/retirement and fun? How do you shift from a low-income mindset to a higher-income one, and is it even worth making the shift (the anxiety at the lower-income margins is weirdly comfortable to me at this point)?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ours was more gradual, but I went from a coupon-cutting upbringing to an ability to accumulate more than I ever though I might. You can afford to max out both your 401(k) and a Roth IRA and still have enough to live on. So start with that, that’s only $25.5K out of your income (or $51K if your tax status is MFJ). Then fund an emergency fund of 12 months of expenses. Then…start spending on yourself! But also, maybe put some money in a taxable investment account, if you’re young enough that you could retire before age 65 at this new income. But some other things I’ve done to limit my “spending money”: paid off our auto loans early, then put that money every month towards a new car fund; paid off a home improvement loan, then put that money towards a home improvement/vacation fund. There are lots of things you can save up for, and if you turn out to not need the money, it’s your money, you can always use it for something else!

      If you still really feel like you have too much money, the best cure for that is to buy a horse or a boat. X-D

      1. Almost Academic*

        Thank you for this advice! Solidifying my emergency fund and saving more for retirement are definitely two priorities for me already on my list. I had not considered putting the money towards an eventual need for a car! That’s a really clever idea, I’m going to create a bucket for that for sure.

        I’m definitely more of the “plane” than boat type person, but I don’t think I’m quite at that level of extravagance income (lol)

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Yes, I spent so much time on Roths that I didn’t much address your core question on how to spend on yourself, but my approach has been to put more and more aside in different buckets, which generally leaves us the budget we need in our checking account for regular expenses. That amount has grown a lot very gradually, so we’ve started buying nicer food and spending more on other things, but I never liked budgeting, so this bucket (or envelope, if you’re really old school) strategy worked best for my spending habits. Every time I paid off a loan and started a new savings bucket, I usually added 10% of the loan amount to our budget and 90% went into the bucket, which gave us a reward but kept us saving. And the buckets themselves give you a lot more flexibility; I’ve pulled from some temporarily when we wanted to spend more than we had in our checking account, with the goal to pay ourselves (or, that bucket) back in X months, and we’ve always done it. And when I wasn’t working, we eyed those buckets as additional emergency money, which was a huge comfort, but even then we always paid ourselves back because of the savings ethic we had built.

    2. Enough*

      My suggestion is to start slow. Record your spending for 3 months to see what your new costs are so you have a base line for a budget. And for now I would put half of your take home into savings to build up an emergency fund.
      Try googling household budget and look for what items you should consider. I know that there are guidelines for what percentages each should be. You want to account for monthly, quarterly, and yearly items. Saving up on a monthly basis for the quarterly and yearly helps avoid a surprise when you get a bill.

      1. Almost Academic*

        Ooh that’s a good idea. I think part of the anxiety I am having is not knowing what my expenses are going to look like / be exactly (since I’m going to be moving to a different area). I like the suggestion to see how it stabilizes for a few months before really committing to a specific budget.

    3. Rick Tq*

      Start with paying off all your debt and continue paying off your credit cards every month. Treat paying non-deductible interest on something like having a rash, get rid of it as quickly as you can. Maxing out your retirement savings with your company and personal accounts is also good for the future. Once you know how much excess cash flow you have each month you can get your 12 month emergency fund in place and start saving for fun things.

      I started out with a low income in a high COL area and my wife has the same history. Now that we are comfortable she still shops aggressively for bargains and I still check credit card balances regularly even with them set up to be paid in full every month automatically.

      One thing I learned over the years is to stop buying ‘stuff’ and start buying memories, especially on trips. Another is to do take your Bucket List trips while you are still young and healthy.

      Toys are a trap, we don’t have the latest 4K TV or fastest/best computers, nor do we drive exotic cars. My wife has a Subaru with a manual transmission and I have a hybrid Explorer set up for towing. No Porsches, no Mercedes needed.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This makes me smile. I know a few people who are worth over $1M and you would never know it. One person drove a station wagon with the fake wood on the sides well into the late 90s. This couple did not care what others thought at all!

        Decide to live below your means. You will never regret it. You can donate money to your fav groups. If the car needs a big repair there’s no worries. And a healthy savings means you have options in life. I agree with those who said just start out slow and track the expenses of the things you actually need.

      2. Almost Academic*

        Thankfully I have no debt currently, and I’m definitely planning on continuing to pay off my credit cards! My parents were terrible at this, so my sister and I have thankfully gone in the exact opposite direction as a result. I like the idea of taking trips when young – I think my vacation is limited in this new opportunity, but I’m going to be switching jobs again at some point and it would be great to save up for an extended trip around the world at some point within the next 5-10 years!

    4. Elf*

      Don’t go crazy and try to change everything at once. Other advice given was good; you want to max out retirement stuff and have a rainy day fund. If you like to be detail-oriented about things, having a bunch of small accounts with earmarks for different savings goals is great; how much you put in each depends on the goal. Things like money to buy a new car (since eventually cars need replacement), funds for a home purchase or specific home improvement projects, etc.

      The big shift I’ve been through in the last couple years is the value of my time, valuable experiences, and environment. For time: I now pay for someone to come in to clean. I pay the $5 to be able to pick up my grocery order instead of spending the time shopping. I periodically pay someone to come in and do the more heavy-duty yard cleanup. For experiences: I pay for my exercise classes. I recently purchased a violin and a trumpet so I can learn to play and I’m going to pay for some lessons. I pay for activities for my kids (swim lessons, etc). For my environment: I’ve just spent a lot of money at the Container Store on the nice built-in shelving system to increase the storage in my house. I ordered a new refrigerator even though the old one hasn’t died (In November! And it still hasn’t arrived!) with the intent of putting the old one in the garage for extra storage.

      Your choices will probably be different, because different things are important to different people, but you should spend some time thinking about what would really improve your quality of life. In the first several months, probably getting a lot into savings will be the most important (mental health/peace of mind), but given the degree of your income jump you can probably put half of it into savings and still have a lot more spending money than before. I do really recommend having someone else clean your house, though :)

      1. Almost Academic*

        Oh wow, it honestly never crossed my mind that I could outsource some of that. Especially with an increase in commute, finding ways to get back some time is going to be really valuable (plus I think my partner and I will be happier in a cleaner house!). I had never really considered that set of spending options, but the more I think about it the more I’m going to look into what some help would cost and see if I can set aside some budget for that. I think it really will have an outsized impact on my quality of life if I can swing it.

        1. fposte*

          Health considerations moved me into this when I might otherwise have waffled, but I highly recommend outsourcing where you can. Cleaning, yard work, oil changes, etc.

    5. fposte*

      Do you currently use a tool for your budget? I find it very useful, when facing financial changes, to play with budgets. There’s a free online Excel template, for instance, that I like, because I can say “Okay, what if I allotted this much housing and this much to food and this much to savings? What if I allotted *this* much?” Playing with a budget as what-ifs is much less stressful and it also lets you see that things can be under control even if you spend more. Then you can start with the conservative but still more generous than current budget and see how it goes for a few months.

      And totally agree with Cosmic Avenger on the 401k and the IRA, but with that income it’s probably time you learned about the backdoor Roth IRA, as you probably can’t contribute directly to a Roth.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yes, good point fposte. At that income level, unless you can stack up some more deductions, you might need to Google “backdoor Roth IRA”. It’s not hard, although it’s annoying and like any new habit will be a pain until you get used to it. The tl;dr version is that you contribute after-tax money to a Traditional IRA, then convert that to a Roth IRA. (DO NOT DO A “rollover” OR “transfer”, THEY ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY, MAKE SURE IT SAYS “convert”.) I find the simplest way is to put the money in a “cash equivalent” or “core” fund every month, so that you have no gains to complicate your taxes, then convert it as soon as possible. Basically, if you had gains on that money in the TIRA, you’d have to pay taxes on it, you want it to increase tax-free (or, as some might say, post-tax) in the Roth instead. And then of course you’ll need to purchase funds with that money in the Roth to invest. But I’m able to set up automatic contributions to the TIRA for the last day of every month, then for some reason Fidelity takes 4-5 business days to make the money available, then I do the conversion. Then I have an automatic investment for the Roth set for the 15th of every month, so all I really need to remember to do is the conversion, and I do it every month to spread out the risk of buying low/selling high, using a principle called “dollar cost averaging”, which is part of why people usually try to invest every paycheck or every month instead of once a year.

        To get into the weeds a bit, it will become a little complicated when you do your taxes, because if you convert the max of $6K, you will get a 1099-R saying you withdrew $6K, but then you can fill out form 8606 saying that your taxable basis is zero, because unlike what most people use a TIRA for, you put $6K post-tax money into it, took $6K out, and didn’t earn anything on it (remember we put it all in cash), so there is no taxable money anywhere in the TIRA for you to have withdrawn. I got into this because, when I do my taxes now, I have an additional $2K+ in taxes “due” until I mark that basis as zero, at which point TurboTax subtracts that additional $2K of “taxes” on the TIRA withdrawals that is considered the default until you explain why you don’t owe it.

        I hope that didn’t scare you off — I manage my own investments and do my own taxes, and I’ve been lucky that I’ve mostly been able to pick this stuff up gradually over 20+ years as our incomes have gone up and our finances have gotten more complicated. But believe me, it’s worth learning most of these concepts, and this one, as I said, can be mostly set-it-and-forget-it other than the monthly conversion and an extra half an hour to an hour on your taxes, at least at first.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, the backdoor requires that you jump through the hoops correctly, but the hoops aren’t that hard once you know them. With the OP’s salary she can probably just do a lump sum contribution and conversion and Vanguard literally has a button for that conversion, so I imagine other brokerages do similarly.

        2. Almost Academic*

          Very helpful! I do my own excel spreadsheet each month to track expenses and budget, so I’ll probably just keep doing that as fposte suggests. I forgot about backdoor conversions for IRAs (despite having done one two years ago!). It definitely makes sense for me to save for that. I’m curious about the monthly vs. one-time trade off. I’m expecting my income will have a year in the future at a very low level again (finish up some education-related items is on my bucket list, so I’m planning on taking 6 months – 1 year off/part time at some point in the future to finish that off), so I wonder if it makes sense to wait until I’m in that lower tax bracket to do the conversion? Or is that super risky? I definitely think the more reading about finances and financial planner suggestion from you and Not a Manager below are wise. Thank you for being so detailed and giving me lots to explore and think about!

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            It sounds like you’re talking about Roth conversions, which are totally different than backdoor Roth contributions (via conversions through a TIRA). When your income is lower, that’s a great time to pull pre-tax money out of a taxable account, like a 401(k) or TIRA, and put it in a Roth IRA, which is usually referred to as a Roth conversion. You pay taxes on the money you withdraw, because the tradeoff for deducting 401(k) and some TIRA contributions is that the withdrawals are then treated as taxable income. That’s why Roths are so popular, you can put in post-tax money and never pay taxes on the accumulated gains.

            (BTW, sorry if I’m overexplaining, as you did say you did this before, but 1) I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing, and 2) I figure others might be totally new to this stuff, as we all were at one time.)

            Anyway, it’s usually once you’re retired, but you want to do a Roth conversion when your income is lower, because the money you’re withdrawing to put INTO a Roth is taxable income.

            What I was talking about is how to get money into to a Roth IRA (which is one of the most advantaged accounts, which is why people jump through these hoops) via TIRA conversions when your income is over the limit to contribute to a Roth ($125/198K for individuals/MFJ).

            Anyway, I like to do it every month because of the dollar cost averaging I mentioned. If I KNEW the market would go down at the end of the year, I should wait and put all my money in then…but no one knows, and if they did, they wouldn’t need to keep investing after a couple of rounds of betting it all on shorting the market when they knew it would go down. So I do it every month because the time investment isn’t that much more, and I don’t want to wait until the end of the year and see that the market was up 20% and I missed out on that year’s worth of gains. But in the end, the important part is putting the money away more than the timing, so if it’s once a year vs not at all, go for once a year!

    6. Not A Manager*

      Talk to a financial planner. In addition to funding your retirement, take a look at your insurance situation and see if it makes sense to fund a HSA. You will have a high deductible health insurance policy, so if you’re young and healthy that really means that you’re self-insuring for your normal medical costs. But if you choose to fund the HSA and pay those costs out of pocket, the money in the HSA accrues each year and if you do have a big medical event in the future, you can use the appreciated investment tax-free. (I’m NOT A FINANCE PRO, this is what I understand from our own situation.)

      A financial planner should also help you think about things in-between “what I need to spend in order to survive” and “party like it’s 1999.” Will you want to own your own home someday? Do you have future education goals, or family plans, or relatives who might need assistance, etc? Is travel important to you? That process will make it easier for you budget discretionary spending without feeling like the other shoe is always about to drop.

    7. The teapots are on fire*

      One thing I read (probably on The Simple Dollar) is the importance of really figuring out what you want from your money. Do you want to be secure for retirement? Do you want to have a good emergency fund? Do you want to travel? Do you want clothes? Figuring out your goals is important before you can figure out a budget. This takes a while, because when I was on a tight budget I tended to be focused on how to squeeze out the last penny and how to not buy things and didn’t really think about what I really wanted to do.

      Now I have set, automatic retirement savings and I’ve gotten used to having a good income so I don’t find I have to allocate certain amounts to specific categories, but it’s really wise to set that stuff up when you’re first going from no money to what feels like crazy money because it really is bewildering.

      It’s good in a high CoL area to try to minimize your housing costs at first, so you don’t commit to rental costs that you’ll regret later.

      1. Almost Academic*

        The “what I want” question is really helpful. I think taking some time to think about my values and needs is good advice, since I haven’t really ever had the chance to do that financially! Time for some fun journaling and maybe self-experiments for what feels good to spend on / what does not as I get settled into this new role.

        I’m already dreading the housing costs moving from my current rural area to one of the most expensive cities. Definitely going to be doing a lot of shopping around, but ouch it’s amazing how much rent can cost in some places!

    8. Me*

      We’ve both grown in income by a lot and been stable for a number of years.

      Early on, no matter how painful, we always made sure that Dh set aside the maximum allowed in his 401k. That’s paid off as he heads towards retirement. Plus it’ll save you quite a bit in taxes. When I went back to work when my kids were older then I set up my equivalent with my employer.

      Sounds like housing will take a chunk of your salary (you mentioned higher COL area) but you have to decide whether you want to increase your way of life along with the higher income. Will you still cook? Do your own laundry? Buy a newer car? If you don’t make that shift to a more lux lifestyle then you’ll find you’re able to save a ton more.

      I set our budget for the year by the end of the previous year. I have certain savings goals each year so aside from the noise of the recurring things like housing costs, utilities, insurances, etc- then what is left over is allocated towards those savings goals and then I see how much is left in “spending”. If it’s too much, I’ll shift it over to a savings goal. If it’s not enough spending $, then I look at what we are spending $ on. We are remarkably consistent. I have the ability to spread things out over 3 paychecks each month so I make sure we have similar amounts of spending $ week to week.

      I have set up some savings accounts for specific items. Things like travel or a new car or appliance replacement- it’s easier to save for these over time in small increments.

      I check my progress on my budget each time we get paid (3x/month). That gives me peace of mind that I’m still on track.

    9. Llellayena*

      Everyone else is giving you the practical advice, and you should definitely follow that. But you were also asking how to use the “fun” part that’s left. So…make a wish list. Hobbies you want to start, vacation destinations, things you wish you could buy, classes you want to take. Don’t go crazy yet actually getting anything, do the research first, you don’t need to skip looking up cost and ways to save. Stretch it out, try something new every couple months. In the mean time, don’t fret much over that dinner out, movie tickets, or that convention you want to see. Since there’s more room to flex the budget, there’s a cushion for allowing some smaller expenses without being super cautious. Also, move a tier up in where you shop. If you got your clothes at Walmart, go to Macy’s, get furniture at Raymor & Flannegin instead of IKEA. It’s a bigger up front expense (which you probably couldn’t afford earlier) but you’ll balance it out with the better/longer lasting quality so you might end up saving even more in the long run.

      1. TechWorker*

        To be honest I think this is key. Perhaps it is best financially to budget every dollar and if you want to maximise savings and make sure you’re only spending on things you absolutely have to, then do that.

        But… in my opinion one of the best things about earning decent money is being able to not worry so much. I’m in the U.K. but I worked before uni for just over minimum wage, then was pretty careful with my spending at university. After that I started earning quite good money and now I’m onto to ‘even better money’ though not so much as you :p

        I am careful to save into my pension and save money generally, I’m also paying off a mortgage. But it does mean in terms of discretionary spending if I’m out with friends and we decide to go eat at a restaurant I can just do it without panicking about my budget. Or if I see some new clothes I like, I don’t feel guilt over buying them (though I do try to restrict that still for environmental reasons). Now I know that some folk on lower incomes also just spend without thinking about it, but the joy of a higher income is that – as long as you don’t go crazy – you can afford to be more relaxed. And that’s… a nice feeling! It’s still worth looking at your spending to check you’re happy with it, but you can do that on a monthly basis rather than for each and every purchase, because earning more gives a bigger safety net.

      2. Almost Academic*

        Thank you for this! It really is advice for exactly what I was getting at. I love the idea of spreading out trying new hobbies to every couple of months and saving up for it. I think the “one tier up” mentality is also a really helpful framework for me, especially as I’ll be able to buy some items I wanted but could never afford in the past.

        I’m really looking forward to not having to calculate out down to the tip whether or not I can afford to go out for a drink with a friend in town, etc., every single time someone asks me to hang out!

    10. Melody Pond*

      I really like the 50/30/20 rule.

      Spend no more than 50% of your after-tax income on “must-haves”, such as:
      – rent/mortgage
      – utilities
      – *minimum* monthly required payments on debt
      – food
      – car insurance
      – any other absolute essentials that you would not be able to stop paying if you lost your job

      Spend at least 20% of your income on “savings” – anything that increases your net worth. This includes:
      – extra payments on debt, that will get you out of debt ahead of schedule
      – basic savings
      – retirement savings

      And spend no more than 30% on “wants” – which is anything that doesn’t fall into the other two categories.

      This model as I’m describing it is something I learned from Elizabeth Warren’s book, “All Your Worth” which I highly recommend. She wrote it with her daughter, I think, long before she ever entered politics. There’s a lot more detail in the book, of course.

      Congrats on the big life changes! Here’s to more security/stability/fun in your life!

      1. Almost Academic*

        I love that model! I’ve heard about it at various points, but never knew that it was from Elizabeth Warren. So cool! I’ll have to pick up the book as well.

        Thanks for the congratulations! I feel really fortunate right now, it is a little like a fairy tale and a huge weight off.

        1. Melody Pond*

          To be fair, I’m sure some version of the 50/30/20 idea probably existed before Elizabeth Warren – but she definitely packaged it nicely and came up with some helpful guidelines about what qualifies for each of those categories. :)

    11. fposte*

      I had a few more thoughts.

      If this is an academic job, get familiar with the financial peculiarities. Maybe there’s a pension and no social security contribution. Maybe there’s a 403b instead of a 401k, and maybe there’s also a 457b.

      I would add to what people are saying about standard of living. Lifestyle creep isn’t a terrible thing–it’s reasonable to enjoy more things if you have more money. But be judicious with it, and try to make sure you know people, in person or online, who spend on the low end as well as the high. (I like the bogleheads forum for that; even well-heeled people there are careful with their money.) One of my biggest financial advantages is living in a smallish town with little performative luxury and working in academics, especially a service field of academics, where nobody cares what my car looks like or how much I spend on a haircut.

    12. Aly_b*

      This is exactly what I did when I had a similar though somewhat more gradual bump. My perspective was that we’re not going to make that money forever because (at least for us) it came with a bump in responsibility, stress, and hours, along with a move to a place we didn’t have roots, that we didn’t necessarily want to keep going forever. Anything we could do to make our lives easier in the meantime that we felt would prolong how sustainable that lifestyle was would leave us coming out ahead. Every month we stayed we did better, and much more than any in-the-moment budgeting, that was what would make the biggest difference.

      For us that was paying for cleaning, not stressing out about costs of takeout or ready to eat food, and, probably more specific to me, paying for the fancy gym because it was nicer and brought me joy (and was close by, saving time and stress.) We also realized that we super didn’t care about a fancier apartment, and saved several hundred a month living in an older place that suited our needs very well – by paying attention to those larger items we could not sweat the small stuff at all.

      My honest recommendation would be don’t budget so much that it becomes a source of worry – the greatest joy of making a lot of money is not having to worry about money. Do the retirement stuff (which you’ve said you’re on top of), and do it with the assumption that you won’t make this money forever. Obviously figure out what your monthly costs are for rent, living, etc, and make sure what you make more than covers that. Plan/budget for some of the big stuff, like a future house purchase or whatever, and keep an eye on overall living within your means. Pay attention to the boulders, don’t stress the pebbles.

  64. Be the Change*

    A riff on a what- are- you-reading thread: what book character do you have a crush on and totally wish was real and (in a perfect universe) would fall for you? As a straight woman, I’m thinking Lupe dy Cazaril (Curse of Chalion) and Armand Gamache (Three Pines, although I will gracefully concede he’s very married and I would never).

    1. Just Another Manic Millie*

      Robert Langdon, the hero of Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons, The Da Vinci Code, etc. I admire his genius and his fearlessness.

    2. Zelda*

      Sharing the Cazaril love here.

      Both of the chaps in Guy Gavriel Kay’s _Lions of al-Rasan_ were worth a few extra heartbeats. Although their situation was complicated enough already!

    4. identifying remarks removed*

      Detective Baxter in the In Death series by JD Robb. Roarke would be a close second but he only has eyes for Eve Dallas.

    5. Phoenix from the ashes*

      Totally agree about Cazaril :-), also I’m completely besotted with Three Seagrass from Arkady Martine’s Teixcalaanli novels.

  65. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

    Hypertufa

    There are a lot of hobbyists and gardeners here. This is sorta a hybrid between crafting and gardening but I saw instructions in Martha Stewart Living once, and I’ve been dying to try it. Beautiful, large, lightweight, custom planters?? Yes, yes, yes. In case you haven’t heard of it, you basically mix cement, peat moss and perlite into a “dough” that you shape around or inside a mold (could be a bucket or a box or whatever) to make a volcanic-rock looking planter that’s lightweight. And the materials are dirt cheap (especially versus what large planters go for at home improvement or gardening stores).

    All the online guides I’ve read describe it as a beginner level project. Has anyone here tried hypertufa and can share their experiences?

    1. More Pizza*

      I have not tried hypertufa, but I can confirm with certainty that you can use perlite and vermiculite for that matter as an aggregate in concrete mixes to make them lighter. If you want to make them INSANELY lightweight, look up Poraver – tiny glass balls that essentially trap air into the mix. It is very important that you use a good respirator with that product though as they can easily get airborne and get into your lungs most likely. I don’t know that I would include peat moss in your mix because peat moss is acidic and also organic. I’m pretty sure pH will affect your mix, but forget the chemistry as to how. Concrete is porous so including organic matter just sounds like a bad idea. Your cement to water ratio is very important. Less water will result in a stronger mix but can be harder to work with. Unless you are making a large planter, in which case I’d proceed with caution since concrete is strongest in compression and a planter would have a lot of lateral forces on the sides, I would think it should be okay. You can get add color to your cement mix to change the look of it – also does affect your mix so I guess my advice would be to start small, make small pots that won’t hold a ton of soil and see how it performs. I would love to see your finished product.

      1. More Pizza*

        Sorry, I confused a 3M tiny glass ball product with Poraver. Poraver is an expanded glass product that is used in concrete mixes to make them lighter. Both products are capable of making some seriously lightweight concrete. If you have not seen this in person before, you will be shocked how light concrete can be. You can also take your mix to the next level by getting into admixtures.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        The standard recipe uses peat moss or other organic materials. You also have to leave the finished containers in the rain for a month to create a neutral pH though I think that’s related to the concrete mix. You definitely need to wear a respirator but likely with the pandemic I have lots!

        Martha suggests adding acrylic fibers too into the mix for larger containers for strength.

        1. More Pizza*

          I would advise against using peat moss or other organic materials in concrete mixes. Concrete is porous and your organic matter may rot, which may lead to other problems. Concrete typically is allowed to cure for a minimum of 28 days, with strength developing over time, and it does better with as much humidity as possible, hence leaving containers in the rain or otherwise wetting it. Wear a respirator, especially if you use 3M bubbles. You can add fibers to your mix to increase tensile, bending strength, but will likely make your mix harder to work with.

  66. Epsilon Delta*

    Is tunnel vision actually a thing?

    I commented to my husband yesterday that when I watch teams dance together, I never know where to look and I end up missing something that’s happening on the opposite side of the formation. I can only watch like 1-2 dancers at a time. He was surprised and apparently has no trouble watching a whole team of people at once. I always wondered how judges can evaluate a whole team, but I assumed they just kind of know what to look for through experience. I have a kind of similar experience watching football; I follow the ball and I don’t really see the rest of what’s going on in detail. Always wondered how refs would be able to see well enough to throw flags, but again I assume(d) it was experience and knowing what to watch for in the corner of their eye.

    So, am I unusual? Or is my husband the unusual/exaggerating one? Are there ways to widen your focus when you’re watching a group?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ll watch this discussion with interest. I also can’t follow games like basketball, or get the nuance of group action onstage, but I always thought it was a personal visual processing issue. I’ve noticed that when I look at two-dimensional art like paintings, I basically look at each little section in turn and then try to put it together in my head. From speaking to others, I’m pretty sure that not everyone does this.

    2. Generic Name*

      I think it’s unusual? So when watching sports you can only look at the tiny spot that is the ball and you don’t see the entire team lined up on the field, even if the camera is panned out to show the whole field and isn’t zoomed in on just one player?

      Do you have peripheral vision? As in can you see something to the side of your face even if you are looking straight ahead (And by “see” I mean are you aware of it’s presence visually even if it’s not in focus or you can’t see details)? How is driving for you? Do you get in a lot of accidents? I mean, one generally is supposed to focus in the road ahead while also having a general awareness of stuff going on around you, and you don’t necessarily need to be darting your eyes all over the place constantly (aside from occasionally checking the mirrors of course).

      1. Not A Manager*

        “So when watching sports you can only look at the tiny spot that is the ball and you don’t see the entire team lined up on the field,”

        This is not what happens to me. I’d love to hear how it works for other people. For me, I do not narrowly focus just on the ball. But I do narrowly focus just on the few people directly interacting with the ball, or on whatever few people I’m looking at. I can physically “see” the entire field, but I can only process the tighter action around the ball. I universally miss side action that other people see and react to – like when other players are jockeying for position and someone gets fouled, for example. I never see that stuff. (Sports are a bad example for me, because since I can’t follow them very well I don’t watch them.) But if I’m at an opera or a ballet, lots of times I’ll be watching the two or three people in the main action, and the audience will start to titter, and I’ll realize that there was some side action that I’ve completely missed.

        I don’t have trouble with driving, at all, I think because I am looking at the entire road passively and not trying to make sense of some narrative like “who has the ball” or “if that lady has consumption why can she sing so loud?”

        1. Reba*

          This is similar to my experience! There is a difference between the actual field of vision, and where your mental focus is. I don’t really watch sports, but I watch a lot of dance. Like you, I often “follow” one or two performers closely, I think that’s just my natural tendency. However, I can switch or widen my focus to take in the whole stage when I intentionally choose to pay attention in that way. When you watch one person, you see more details; when you watch the whole stage, it’s more abstract in a way and you see more of the staging. (different works benefit from different kinds of watching, IMO.)

          A friend of mine does it differently again, frequently flicking her attention among various performers — maybe a ref’s watching is somewhat similar, plus the refs are attuned to what to watch for.

        2. Epsilon Delta*

          This is exactly how it is for me. I am vaguely aware of movement around what I’m focusing on but I don’t notice the details of how they’re moving. If they pan out on the whole field and nobody’s moving much I can take it all in, but as soon as they start moving I can only follow one thing well.

          I have peripheral vision and haven’t been in any car accidents (but driving does seem more challenging to me than it seems like it does to other people, for whatever that’s worth).

    4. Saltwater*

      I’m like you. I used to assume that each ref must have a certain area of the action to focus on in order to see infractions. I think now it’s the way the brain processes information. Some folks can see the whole field and others see in fragments. I’m currently in a job where you’re told to be looking at/for multiple things all the time. As someone who does best with a job that requires tunnel vision, it’s a struggle. It doesn’t have anything to do with peripheral vision.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Actually refs and umpires in football and baseball/softball do have specific things/areas they focus on. They need to focus on their area and not miss the action there. Like when there’s a holding call nowhere near the actual action of movement of the football. That ref was focused on his area and not where the football was.

        I’m sure it’s similar for other sports.

    5. OyHiOh*

      Brains focus and process information in an infinite variety of ways. I and my partner both have focused hearing – we can internally identify “Jim” or “woman in the yellow dress” and hear that person, even across a noisy room, to the exclusion of all else. We can also focus so narrowly on the person across the table that we don’t hear anything else in the room. For one of my hobbies (choral music), and one of his careers (trading floor), focused hearing is/was a valuable asset.

      Another hearing example – I hear all of the harmonics and range in string instruments. My partner hears “fuzz.” His brain doesn’t pick up the high frequency harmonics that make string instruments soar. He can hear a voice and woodwinds/brass with perfect clarity though.

      So what you describe as tunnel vision sounds like focused vision to me. My vision doesn’t focus that narrowly. When I watch a corp de ballet number, I see the entire group of dancers and differences in individual detail (like, arms being at slightly different angles, or feet moving in slightly different patterns). My vision works more like your husband’s in other words. One is not wrong or better, it’s just differences in processing sensory input.

      I think that neuro processes influence choices more than we may realize – someone with your focused vision is less likely to be a dance judge or choreographer, someone with more wide angle vision is more likely to be a dance judge, referee, etc, where being able to see everything, at once, is important.

      2. Blackcat*

        Yes with the hearing processing stuff. It’s weird. I have phenomenally good hearing, and can do things like recognize people based on the sounds of their walks. But I really, really struggle with conversations if there are background conversations. I just can’t process it. It drives my husband crazy because if he’s talking to me and the kid interrupts, I literally stop being able to understand either of them. What’s remarkable is that I *can* do it if the overlapping speech is two different languages. If it’s my first or second language, I can pick a language to “hear” and then it’s like the rest is background noise. And general background noise isn’t a problem at all for me, even in my second & third languages.
        I’ve tried hard to get better at being able to filter voices better. But I just… can’t.
        Brains are really weird.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I think that part of it is innate, and part of it is training. Some people are better at seeing patterns in a wide field and not focusing on one thing, and some are better at noticing more about one small area. But I think for most people it can be trained to some extent.

      I say this because I generally prefer to hyperfocus, to have complete quiet or white noise while working, and I find animated GIFs make me almost unable to read a web page. But I’ve also worked at things like reading text while listening to audio, and when I was younger I could do it fairly well, but I spent time working to concentrate on both. More to your point, I knew nothing about horses 15 years ago (other than, say, the number of expected legs, maybe ;) ), and after watching years of riding, specifically looking for “outside leg”, or which front leg the rider posts in sync with, it just clicked after a LONG time of trying to focus on both. But after that, even if I don’t watch it for a while, it’s much easier to see. I feel like it’s almost a kind of muscle memory of the brain. Once you can find the pattern and it clicks a few times, it’s much easier.

      And, of course, some people may have processing difficulties or differences where this kind of thing is impossible or nearly impossible, or just too difficult to bother. I might not be typical in the other direction, I taught myself to count on binary using both hands so I could count up to 1,023 manually without having to keep the number in my head, just because I thought it would be neat.

    7. KoiFeeder*

      I can see and process the whole, but I have to basically “watch it through a car window” and I have no idea how to explain to someone how to emulate what I do. It’s kind of just a matter of relaxing the brain and the vision? But I definitely do not process as well as I do when I’m focused on a particular obvious point- I know nothing about dance, so I wouldn’t be able to distinguish a flaw from the rest of the routine. But if it was like, a synchronized math tournament, I know enough about math that a flaw would jar me into focusing on that rather than the whole.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I am going to assume your vision is fine and you are talking about how you take in the world around you and process things.

      Younger me used a very narrow focus. I thought of it as a processing problem because I grew up in a kind of strange environment where a narrow focus was necessary for survival. Once out in the world I felt that this narrow focus was hurting me more than helping me and I decided to “look up and look around” more often- literally and figuratively.
      Even after working on this deliberately, I think that others are much better at scanning their horizon than I am. I really notice security people in a crowd because they are really looking around more so than other people in the crowd.
      There are eye exercises that you can do where you relax the muscles in your eyes and gently look around.
      I still find that numerous people dancing feels chaotic to me and the points to watch feel unclear. I went to a circus once and I felt like I had missed stuff.

    9. Purt’s Peas*

      Generally attention is more “spotlight”-like than most people think—hence the famous experiment where individuals asked to count something in a video of basketball players totally missed that one of the players was in a gorilla costume.

      I would say from a lay point of view that there’s two things. One, people experienced with a sport (or dance) have the knowledge to look at the broader field and discern patterns; some people are naturally better at discerning these patterns (I am not one). Two, have you ever done a magic eye? I think that with dance and the arts, it can be enjoyable to sit back and get into that kind of perspective to take in the whole thing.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      If your annual or biennial eye exams don’t already include a test of your field of vision, you ought to ask your eye doctor about it. Tunnel vision can be a genuine physical effect of certain eye conditions.
      It sounds, though, as if you want to switch mentally from a zoom lens to a wide angle lens, right? Car trips as a kid were miserable for me (and probably not unalloyed joy for my parents when I got sick), until I learned just not to try to focus on anything going by at 75 mph. It’s a choice: I can see a wider range blurry or a smaller area sharply.

    11. Cedrus Libani*

      I am this way too. I think I just take longer to switch between focus points than most people. If you figure out how to fix it, let me know…because I’m trying to learn how to drive.

      I’m 34 now, and half a lifetime ago, my parents tried hiring a driving instructor – who took me back home and said he’d sign all the paperwork to give me a license, so long as I promised to never actually use it. I didn’t. But I’m thinking about buying a house, and houses within reasonable walking distance of a transit station cost a solid quarter-million more than nearly identical houses a half-mile further out. I just bought a video game driving system; we’ll see how this goes.

      I’m legally blind in one eye and therefore don’t have depth perception, which does not help matters, but I don’t think that is a major cause either. It’s not seeing, it’s processing.

  67. Mimmy*

    I recently switched back from a Mac to a Windows PC (Dell computer). I use some of the accessibility settings, such as larger font and a larger, black mouse pointer. However, I’m finding that the settings don’t stick, especially after I wake up the computer after being away from it for a period. When I go into the Settings panel, the settings are still as I set them, but it’s as if they’re at or near the default settings.

    For example, I have the mouse pointer set to black and somewhat larger. When I find the pointer back to white, I check the settings and “black” is selected. So I select “white” then select “black” and it goes back to black.

    Anyone else having this or a similar issue with their settings??

    1. KoiFeeder*

      Are we dunking on Dell computers now? My family has just never had a good experience with dell. One time my mom’s brand-new laptop overheated and committed seppuku because she asked it to connect to the printer. Or the time they ruined christmas (I mean, not really, but mom ordered an item in september, expecting it to arrive by november, and it didn’t show up until after easter- and it had severe water damage that rendered it unusable, and dell fought providing a refund tooth and nail the whole time). There was also the work laptop that would cause breaker failures no matter which outlet you plugged it into, that was also a dell.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t remember the brand name, but I had to change the settings for my boss and initially the settings would “regress”. I had to reset them. After a few times the settings finally stuck. I dunno why this happened and it was a bit of a PITA.

  68. nep*

    Anyone who cares to share…Tell me about your experience getting your ears cleaned at the doctor’s office. What was it like? Effect/difference(s) you experienced afterward?

    1. Grim*

      I had manual cleaning; it got out quite a lot of wax. It was painful when the tool touched the eardrums.

      Microsyringing can also be done and requires 3 to 4 days of preparation with ear drops to soften the ear wax. I don’t recommend this method as it creates high sound volume that can cause tinnitus, or permanent ear ringing.

    2. maddieee*

      I’ve had them cleaned with a little metal tool, and also with a spray bottle with a nozzle. The little tool I didn’t mind, and I had it done that way multiple times as a kid.
      A couple of years ago as an adult, water got in my ear and compacted wax in my ear drum so I couldn’t hear. That time the doctor used a spray bottle of water with a nozzle that goes in your ear. I hated that time. It wasn’t painful, but it was very loud and uncomfortable. It did get everything out though, and I could hear again.

    3. Anono-me*

      I have a friend who uses the ear candle treatment. Friend does not notice a difference, but the rest of us sure do.
      Usually I or another mutual friend will say( yell) “You can’t hear again. Go get your ears done.”

    4. Trixie*

      The last few years, the doctor uses metal tool and the difference before/after is AMAZING. Not painful at all, just unusual that first time. I think my blockage is a result of genetics and tiny ear canals. They are fine for the most part but eventually there is build up and I make an appointment. Years ago when I had it done, the doctor used water but I don’t think that’s as common these days. (Concerns about damaging the ear drum.)

      This was probably the first appointment I made when I had health insurance again.

    5. *daha**

      I sat on the exam table or in a chair and held a little basin on my shoulder under my ear. It was variously done by a doctor, nurse, or assistant. They used a hand-squeezed device to squirt water into my ear in sustained squirts, not hard enough to be painful. The water was approximately body temperature. Sometimes they would say “Oh, a big chunk just came out.” At the end of it I felt like something that had been in the way was gone, and I could hear better.
      I generally need this every five or so years. My at-home attempts with a squeeze bulb and Debrox work some of the time, but it builds up to where home attempts just don’t work anymore. Interestingly, last time when I asked my new primary care doctor’s office to make an appointment for this, they said they don’t do that in their office, and offered me a referral to an ENT specialist.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For what it’s worth, a CVS minute clinic will do it, no referral or specialist needed.

  69. Might Be Spam*

    My ears are a wax factory. I have to go in every year or two.
    It helps if you use ear drops to soften the earwax for a few days before you have your ears cleaned.
    Usually they use a big syringe to squirt warm water in your ear and catch the water in a plastic container. Make sure the water is warm. Cold water is miserable. One doctor used a Water Pik. The pulsating water was more comfortable, but the syringe is ok. Again, make sure the water is warm. Test it yourself and don’t take their word for it.
    I had to fight the urge to pull away from the water. It helped me to lean on something that I could push against.
    Afterwards I was a little dizzy for a few minutes, but it stopped quickly. There was some water still in my ear for a few hours so my hearing was muffled until the water finished draining. Wow! My hearing improved so much. I had no idea how much I was missing.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Same for me. I used to have to go every 10 months or so as a kid, but as an adult it seems to be about every two years now. I don’t mind that huge water syringe at all. A former ENT doctor used the little vacuum on me as a kid and he hit my ear drum. OMG the pain! After that I never allowed any doctor to use it again. I don’t care if they need to shoot water in my ears 10 times in a row–no vacuum! I’ll deal with the temporary dizziness. And afterwards I swear I can hear a pin drop a mile away.

    2. Kate*

      You can buy an ear syringe to use at home. Mom used to work for a pediatrician and would clean my ears that way when I was a kid, and I’ve done my own ever since. Water in the ears needs to be moderately warm to get the wax out but not too hot because that will mess with your equilibrium and make you dizzy. It needs a little soap to break the surface tension of the water so it runs out instead of getting trapped inside.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Unfortunately that never worked for me, neither as a kid nor an adult. I wish it did! At least nowadays I don’t need to go nearly as often.

    3. Chilipepper*

      FYI, the water syringe method is considered dangerous and is not performed any longer in the UK. Some US doctors are starting to shift to this view. The suction method is used in the UK and they def avoid touching the eardrum! If you have any kind of eardrum perforation, the water method is really problematic and you wont know if the wax is blocking them from seeing the eardrum.

      There are lots of ear wax removal videos on youtube.

  70. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Super late for the weekend thread, but is there a good way to see a family member’s credit report on their behalf? I recently learned that my disabled (and increasingly cognitively challenged, but still lucid) mother-in-law’s money problems are drastically worse than we feared, but none of her caretakers who have tipped us off to this knows just how bad they might be. My wife will be the eventual executor of her estate and we are very fearful to see just how bad the damage is, and we’ll never find out from her mother directly. Could we pull a credit report without her consent somehow?

    2. PollyQ*

      I recommend talking to a family/estate lawyer. I don’t know if she’s still competent to assign Power of Attorney to your wife, but if she isn’t, you may be able to have a court appoint you some form of guardianship.

      1. HBJ*

        This. I mean, no, it’s probably not “ok.” But if you know her social and can guess/know the answers to the various verifier questions, you could get it that way. To be clear, doing it that way is essentially pretending to be her and is questionable morally and possibly illegal.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Do you know the name of the attorney who wrote the will naming your wife as executor?

      I would go to that attorney and open the discussion of what to do.
      There might be records on file that you guys don’t know about such as a PA, living will etc.
      The attorney may have inroads to open a conversation with your MIL. It could look something like this, “Hi OP’s MIL, I was just reviewing some older files here and I realized we don’t have a PA on file for you. My recommendation is that you may want someone to be your second set of eyes….”
      This depends on factors such as the attorney involved, your state’s regs and other unforeseens. However, I might try this if I were in your shoes.

    5. Saltwater*

      Go to annualcreditreport [dot] com to get the credit reports. If your MIL is still lucid, you can do this with her knowledge. You’ll need her SSN and recent addresses. There are 3-4 questions for verification which you may or may not know (e.g., will ask about employment, opened credit cards, mortgages or car notes she may have). Check all three companies’ reports. I’ve found that one company may have different info than the others.

    6. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Thanks everyone. These responses jibe with what I was thinking. Frankly I’d be very surprised if my mother-in-law actually has a written will or an attorney — she just casually mentioned my wife probably being executor in a conversation someday — so not sure that will apply. Guess I will find out. But we will try to work with her to go to the annual credit report site — one I’ve used a few times before for myself so I’m familiar. Thanks again!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Oh, dear, oh, dear. Intestate estates – even insolvent ones – are a major, gigantic, pain in the a$$. We had enough trouble when we couldn’t find my mother’s will for a week. (Under the underwear, really, Mom?)
        If she is still lucid, you and your wife really need to convince her to execute a will while she still can. “Oh, and while you’re at it, MIL, how about a POA and healthcare POA, so Wife can help if anything happens and you can’t handle things yourself?”
        Good luck.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Right, and remember, no one can force you to be an executor. The named executor usually just has to file a form to decline, and then the court will appoint someone. If the estate is insolvent, and none of the living relatives cosigned a loan or anything, that would probably be best for the OP’s wife, IMO.

      2. Undine*

        You might try to get power of attorney now. You don’t have to be super cognizant to sign one. My mother fell and had a brain injury and no POA, so I downloaded a state form, chatted to her about it a few times, filled it out, and got a travelling notary. I said, “This is a power of attorney, do you know what that is?” And she, “yes, it lets you do everything.” That was good enough.

    7. RagingADHD*

      On their behalf? Yes – you do the tech part and talk them through it in front of them.

      Without their consent? That’s identity theft.

      If you don’t have proper authorization to access her information, then there’s nothing you could do about her money problems anyway, other than give her money. Which is inadvisable, no matter what her credit report is like.

      Get the authorization sorted out first, then you’ll be able to deal with things straightforwardly. If she trusts your wife enough to make her executor, she’s more likely to trust her as Power of Attorney- but not if y’all break that trust by doing things behind her back.

    8. WS*

      Somebody needs to get Power of Attorney in this situation – it will greatly help your mother-in-law’s situation if someone can not just find out the details but manage them. I think that should be your first step rather than trying to get the information otherwise.

  71. Screenwriter ish*

    I began writing fanfiction then transitioned to fiction then wrote 3 separate screenplays last and this month. I use an authoritative Hollywood manual for formatting but 1. how does one progress in screenwriting? I’ve been told I write well but I’m scared my plays are terrible. I’ve entered them in a couple competitions just because. Also, 2. How can you tell a novice from a more advanced screenwriter?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Do you read and study screenplays? Do you read about screenplay analysis and craft, or only formatting?

      To some extent, stories are stories and characters are characters. But structure, pacing, dialogue, and character development are all done very differently in film than in fiction.

      There’s also a huge difference between the writer’s role in fiction vs. screenplays.

      When I think about some of the amateurish indie films I’ve worked on vs excellent scripts I’ve studied, one of the big “tells” is the writer’s lack of understanding the different roles that make a film work, and trying to do the director’s and actors’ jobs by over-writing the descriptions.

      The trap on the other side of the fence (because there’s always equal and opposite traps in any art form) is writers who see everything as very compelling and dramatic in their head, but haven’t captured anything on the page about *why* it matters, or made the reader/viewer care.

      The common problem in both those traps is that they haven’t created truly compelling situations, conflicts, and character arcs. So their scenes are flat and generic.

      The best ways to progress in any kind of writing are to read more of the same kind of thing you’re trying to write, to study craft and find out why things work, and different tools you can use to get different results. And to get feedback.

      If you can find a critique group with people who do good work (and preferably have some real-world accomplishments to show for it), that will help a lot.

      1. Screenwriter ish*

        Thanks so much for the tips! These help so much. I’ve adhered to advice online to avoid over-writing descriptions. As for the critique group, I have no idea how to find one, but…I’ll start hunting :)

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