weekend open thread – May 21-22, 2022

by Alison Green on May 20, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Sea of Tranquility, by Emily St. John Mandel. I don’t know what to say about this! There’s a writer on a book tour and a detective using time travel, and a son exiled from his rich family, and it jumps between centuries. I did not like it quite as much as the author’s Station Eleven and The Glass Hotel, but she writes beautifully and the experience of reading this is almost trance-like.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Just a reminder that the rules for these weekend threads prohibit posts that are just “here’s an update on my life.” One update on something you’ve asked for advice on here in the past, but not ongoing updates.

    Please also make sure you’re not assuming people have read your posts in the past. So that the site doesn’t feel cliquey to newcomers, any post should make sense to someone who is hearing from you for the first time. Thank you and happy weekend!

  2. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    It finally feels like everything is growing well here. I am feasting on asparagus and I see flowers on my tiny strawberry plants!

    1. OyHiOh*

      We’re about to get 3 to 5 inches of snow in the next 18 hours (not common in our next of the US but also not exactly unusual either). The plants I have out are hardy perennials and should be fine.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My daughter is visiting Colorado for the first time (I lived there when I was young) and experiencing the fun of “It’s 70°! No, wait, now it’s snowing!”

        1. Generic Name*

          Ha, yeah. We watched the temperature drop from the 70s to the 50s in about 15 mins.

      2. Salymander*

        You are probably accustomed to the snow, but that just sounds so strange to me. It is 85° here, and I’m rigging up a sun shade for my pepper plants because they are languishing in the hot sun. I finally gave in and brought a beach umbrella for taking to the community garden. It routinely gets to 110° here from June through early October, so I think the umbrella will improve my daily life. We can’t leaves them at the garden, through, because the wasps build nests in them. I don’t want to be stung in my face again this year. Not fun. I think I need to find a place that is somewhere in between our two extreme of 110° scorching heat and 5″ of snow in late May. Does such a place exist?

    4. Salymander*

      My Mr. Stripey tomato plant has some kind of weird issue. The leaves are curling and it isn’t getting any new growth. There is no insect infestation, and no other symptoms. It is very strange. I think a shovel pruning may be in order tomorrow morning. All the other plants are very happy and healthy, so that is good. Time to harvest basil, cilantro, and parsley.

      In the guerilla garden spots, plants are growing really well and looking nice. Strangely, someone has been stealing baby cosmos plants. I guess they don’t realize that cosmos is super easy to grow from seed and really inexpensive. Or maybe they don’t care? But seriously it is so easy to grow! I once grew cosmos in a patch that was basically a little clay with a lot of broken up asphalt, and the seeds grew really well even in terrible conditions. They could plant some seeds and then they wouldn’t need to sneak around stealing plants. It does give a really funny mental image of plant burglars skulking around in the dead of night. That is pretty entertaining to think about.

      1. river*

        It’s possible the thieves think the cosmos is something else, I’m not sure what. Not everybody is able to correctly identify plants.
        An anecdote: I was watering my garden one summer’s day, and my neighbour walked by and complimented some lovely blue flowers. I said, “It’s Bog Sage.” (salvia uliginosa). He said, “Oh is it? I guessed it was mint, I’ve been putting it in with my boiled potatoes.” !!!
        I was absolutely boggled that he would eat a plant so confidently, not knowing what it was! Thankfully sage is not harmful! Not to mention he was eating my plant without asking. But he was a pleasant guy, so I let it go.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          Mint in potatoes? Sage in potatoes makes more sense to me, but to each.

          1. Isobel*

            Jersey Royals boiled with mint, yes. Classic and delicious, one of my favourite seasonal treats, like asparagus.

      2. SpellingBee*

        There is actually a “tomato leaf curl” virus that could be causing this – as you might suspect, the main symptom is curling of the leaves. It will stunt the overall growth and fruit production. It’s also transmissible to other plants via insects, so I’d get rid of it promptly if I were you. Interestingly, I tried a Mr. Stripey plant a couple of years ago and while it grew pretty well, it didn’t set one tomato! I think they’re jinxed. :)

        1. Salymander*

          I love the name Mr. Stripey, and I really wanted this plant to work out, but I think you are right. It is just cursed. Or has leaf curl virus. Whatever. Time for the shovel.

    5. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I mentioned sowing a flower patch (instead of grass lawn) two weeks ago. Well, they are sprouting!! Noticeable tufts of green everywhere. Can’t WAIT to be able to really walk on it!

    6. StellaBella*

      All good here – I bought a raspberry pant too this week, and my potatoes, papyrus, cat grass, parsley, aloe, indoor plants, and sunflowers are all good.

    7. Who Plays Backgammon?*

      I was going to do an indoor succulent garden to keep me cheerful and occupied during covid. Bought plants, pots…one succulent and one I-don’t-know-what-it-is are still breathing. I applaud you and envy you and will be right over with whipped cream for those strawberries!

    8. Madame Arcati*

      On the one hand most of my garden looks like a cross between a mysterious forest where monsters may lurk, and the Somme after it had dried up a bit.
      On the other, my herbs (parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, mint and lovage) are doing very well – these are the ones I feel must be fresh so I wanted them outside so I can just go and pick a bit off – bunches from the supermarket often lead to waste ime. Basil doesn’t do so well outside in the uk and I personally don’t use enough to stop a potted one going all weird and leggy, and I don’t like coriander (cilantro) – soapy evil lol. Lovage has a slightly celeryish flavour so I use a few leaves when a recipe calls for a small piece of celery as a sort of base note in a risotto, soup or casserole, eg part of a soffrito. Saves me dealing with the rest of a whole bunch of celery or letting it go bendy!
      The rambling rose my mum got me (it was on special offer for three quid) seems happy enough. It couldn’t go against a fence so I gave it a little bamboo-cane tripod.

      2. I usually just lurk here*

        Lovage soup: Sautee a couple of finely chopped green onions in an ounce of butter until soft. Add about a quarter/third of a cup of chopped lovage leaves. Cook a couple minutes more. Sift in an ounce of flour. Stir in. Add about 4 cups of a light chicken stock, slowly with stirring. Add a pinch of nutmeg and black pepper. Simmer. Serve warm, with or without croutons.

    9. Batgirl*

      In my newly inherited jungle there are some surprise roses. Bright orange, deep pink, hot pink, red, yellow with peachy tips. The brambles are quite unwieldy so I wasn’t expecting them to flower so well, but they have. Huge double and triple centered heads.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Oh, that’s so cool! Roses don’t do well where I live and the only people who really have them are serious gardeners who can really cater to them. I love visiting areas where roses just sort of grow and bloom everywhere.

        1. Batgirl*

          Yeah I wasn’t planning on them, because I’m a lazy gardener, but I’ve never seen any like these. I might up my game for them.

    10. Susie*

      I planted my veggie garden last weekend and so far it’s safe from groundhogs. Next up, we’re planting raspberries bushes. Our cherry tree has little green cherries!

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I finished planting the last of the annuals at 6:45 this morning! Herbs are in and looking good, all the planters are filled, and several new perennials (a peony, 4 asiatic lilies, 2 sedum, 2 foxglove. 3 bee balm, 3 coneflowers, 3 lupine, and 3 of something I don’t remember the name of). My peonies seems to have grown a foot in the last week and have lots of buds; even the one that hasn’t ever produced a flower has one this year (I think it knew this was its last chance).

    12. mreasy*

      My calathea still has five leaves, but the new plants I got last week are loving their new big pots! Adding some new plant furniture this week too. I do not have a problem lol.

    13. The OG Sleepless*

      We’re transitioning into summer. All of the spring blooming things are done. My astilbes are starting to bloom. I have cannas and elephant ears coming up rapidly. I’m planting the annuals in my deck planters: ornamental sweet potatoes and begonias. It’s supposed to rain this weekend and I hope it starts soon. My plants are looking pretty thirsty and it feels hot and muggy outside.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      The iris are blooming! (Never sure if the iris leaves will result in iris flowers.)

      I planted some daisy and echinacea seeds; we’ll see if this bears any results. (I am terrible at recognizing flowering plants in their infant stages, so when something shows up in my borders I usually give it a while to demonstrate that maybe I planted it there deliberately.)

      1. Rose is a rose is a rose*

        My iris has two (2) flower buds and I’m very excited! We have lived here for 4 years, iris was in a bad spot and didn’t bloom so I moved it; last year it bloomed while I was away, so this year I will get to see its beauty for the first time!

    15. thebeanmoveson*

      heh, not well, ive beeen trying to grow lettuce from seed since march and my sprouts keep dying on me

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For the first time in five years, my peach tree (which was about two feet tall when I planted it and is now huge) has only a couple of leaves with red blisters AND it’s positively covered with the beginnings of green fruit. In previous years, the whole thing has been blistered and the last frost has killed off all the blossoms and we haven’t even gotten a few fruitlings for squirrels to steal. So I might, knock wood, manage to get the first-ever fruit off my peach tree this year! (Seriously, I’ll be happy if I can get ONE peach, between squirrels, birds, etc.)

      The sour cherry tree in my front yard also has green fruitlings, and that might also be a first. I know I’ve never gotten anything off it. :P

      Added bonus: Both of these trees were planted as memorials to cats gone beyond, so it’s very nice to see them thriving. :)

    17. GoryDetails*

      I’ve acquired a variety of vegetable plants to put in my self-watering planters (three “Patio Picker” boxes and one “Earthbox” – have used them for years and love them). It’s supposed to get quite hot tomorrow, well into the 90s, so I may have to throw some row-cover over the top to protect the young plants. And wire cages to keep the rabbits and groundhogs away. And finer-mesh to fend off the chipmunks. [Remind me why I bother to grow veggies… {grin}]

    18. allathian*

      We planted some potatoes today!

      Our daffodils are finally starting to bloom in earnest, and the tulip buds are growing bigger, with a bit of luck they should be blooming on our son’s birthday at the end of May. We just planted out some pansies in a flowerbed, they’re lovely. Our lilac bush has sprouted leaves and the flowers aren’t far behind.

    19. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I still have two more succulents to repot but they are so overgrown I’m not sure how to get them out without tearing the plant apart in the process. All of the new plants I got at the Huntington Spring Plant Sale have done well; and the clippings I received from my friend seem to be taking root. Now there is another specifically cactus and succulent sale coming up…this is the one we were really waiting for because it’s been off during the pandemic and there weren’t any signs it was going to be back. It’s not on the Huntington calendar yet (i don’t think) but i saw an instagram post from the Succulent Society that it’s on in July! I don’t have any more room but that isn’t going to stop me…i just need a bigger balcony is all.

    20. Generic Name*

      I was so happy to put out my annuals last weekend. Enjoyed them in the warm weather all week, today, we have a foot of snow. D:

    21. Sparkly Librarian*

      It is trying to survive the “helpful” ministrations of my 3-year-old! This week’s injury list includes a squashed watermelon start, several strawberry flowers, and some half-buried lettuces. The chomped zucchini seedling was probably a slug. I added some mesh cloches (like you’d use to cover serving dishes at a barbecue) over some of the tender young things. The 3-year-old also likes to wear one on her head, but won’t stand still long enough for me to pin the edges down.

      1. Salymander*

        That is such a great age to get kids out in the garden. You make me nostalgic for the days when my now 16 year old was small and thought playing in the garden was a fabulous and magical adventure.

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          Since she was one, she’s had half of a 4×8 box assigned to her as her “patch” to dig in while the grownups garden in the other ones. This year she planted nasturtium seeds there (and lettuces in a container) and has been watering them. I love it when we’re out there together — a few battered plants are worth it.

          1. allathian*

            Absolutely! Now at nearly 13 our son’s a great help in the garden. He was 3 years old when we moved to this house. The first year we didn’t have much of a garden, but he’s been helping out since he was 4. I think it’s very important, especially for city kids, to learn that food has to be grown, it doesn’t just show up in the store by itself. My son’s always been a veggie lover, at 5 one of his favorite foods was broccoli, but even kids who don’t like veggies will often try stuff that they’ve helped grow. That’s one reason why veggie boxes are very popular in daycares here.

    22. The Peach*

      The recently planted Japanese magnolias seem to be settling in. The birds of paradise, while holding a few dead leaves from our late-spring cold snap, are sending up huge new green leaves. Just planted some salvias.

    23. Becky*

      The temperature dropped this week so I’m holding off on transplanting my tomatoes, but I need to inform my landlord that the outdoor spigot is leaky–it has a valve/splitter? that divides the water between the spigot and the evaporative cooler lines and it’s leaking both from that valve and the vacuum breaker. I turned the water off but when it gets warmer I need to turn it on so the cooler can run but don’t want to waste so much water.

    24. Cedrus Libani*

      I’m racing the end of planting season, but am hoping to put in asparagus and blackberry beds this week. Most of my new space is underneath one of several ginormous trees; I have precious little area that gets enough sunlight for edibles. Enter waist-high raised beds, with some nice edible perennials that get big enough to sneak their heads over the fence for bonus sunlight.

      Back on my balcony garden, the peas are spent, and the cucumber starts are hardened off – it’s time for the changing of the guard in my trellis planter. But I think I’m going to wait until it’s moved to the new place.

      I have some landscaping to do, but that can mostly wait until fall. Previous owners put in a whole bunch of full-sun nursery stalwarts that are clearly miserable in dry shade. A few may be headed to the sunny patch in the front yard; the rest are raised bed filler. I’m looking into native plants to replace them.

    25. Alison M*

      I finally got my husband to allocate some space for boysenberry bushes a couple years back — boysenberries are second only to great strawberries in the Great Berry Hierarchy. This year, it looks like we have hundreds of flowers, so we might actually have enough to make a small tart or pie. I can hardly wait, because I haven’t had any boysenberries except jam since I moved away from California 25 years ago. Around here (Northeast US), nobody even knows what a boysenberry is!

      1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        That doesn’t surprise me…it’s truly a California creation; Boysenberry’s are a hybrid and originally sold by Knott’s Berry Farm — Knott was the first to make a commercially viable crop, although Boysen was the first to create the hybrid plant.

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          Boysenberries are too fragile to ship, and they’re also low-chill plants, such that up north they tend to start blooming before last frost and thus don’t yield consistently. But if you can get them, they are magnificent.

  3. Jean (just Jean)*

    Thank you for putting up this thread on Friday night! Unless it’s an especially busy or hectic weekend I enjoy checking in on the conversational threads.

    1. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

      Likewise thank you Alison for keeping the Friday posts open into Saturday & Sunday for those of us whose Fridays are so often overbooked by the place we will not discuss on the weekend.

  4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    I loved Sea of Tranquility, especially the callbacks to the Glass Hotel characters.

    2. AY*

      Thirded! I had never read her other work, and I still found it to be moving and beautiful. And she’s so efficient with her words! Another author might’ve taken 500 pages to do what she could in less than 300.

    3. CatPerson*

      I just finished it yesterday, coincidentally! I didn’t like the Glass Hotel as much as Station Eleven, but I loved Sea of Tranquility the best of them all!

  5. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

    I’m working on making emergency bags for my 4-person family as well as a kit of stuff to keep at home, plus probably a kit for the car too. I’m still in the list making phase before I shop for things, although I did round up a few things we already have. Anyone have recommendations for
    – a solar phone charger
    – a hand crank/otherwise non-battery radio
    – awesome suggestions in general?

    Side note, I saved a couple “what to put in your emergency kit” lists on Pinterest and now my feed has become extremely… Interesting… with hardcore disaster-prepper posts mixed in with the crochet and baking recipes, lol.

    1. Aphrodite*

      Underwear
      Wet and dry pet food + bowls/boxes
      Athletic shoes and socks
      A car whose gas tank never goes below half way
      Paper towels
      Toilet paper
      Hand operated can opener
      Bar soap
      Toothbrushes + toothpaste
      Plastic bowls with lids (to soak / wash underwear, for dishwashing, etc.)
      Heavy duty aluminum foil
      Gallon and quart size freezer baggies
      Shampoo + conditioner
      Hair bands
      Rubber bands + binder clips or clothes pins
      Scotch tape
      Vinegar
      Dishwashing soap + sponges
      Extra sleeping pillow
      Cloth grocery bags
      Small trash bags (and maybe larger ones too)
      A couple of books you’ve read and loved
      A hammer and a wrench
      Mugs
      Picnic size salt and pepper
      Hand cranked flashlight
      A set of inexpensive sheets and a warm blanket or two

          1. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

            Brilliant– a cleaner that is not toxic if it spills AND doubles as meal flavoring.
            To YAULibrarian– There were recurring discussions of this topic on FlyLady and spinoff forums back when I was reading those regularly.

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        Guess I should have mentioned I have 2 young kids but no pets :)

        1. BethDH*

          As another parent of young kids, I’ve also talked to my older one about where to go and what to say if he gets separated from us.
          This includes which neighbor to go to if there’s a fire or something, and his own full name, but we’re working on other info like the names and cities of a couple of relatives are in driving distance but not likely to be displaced by the same event.
          We also put those toddler purée pouches in our emergency kit. Our kids get picky in unfamiliar situations but they’ll always eat those and you can have ones with some protein and grains in addition to fruit/veggies.

        2. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

          My family found a website that makes custom silicone bracelets, which might be a toddler-fun form of ID.

    3. nnn*

      A few thoughts:

      – Include masks, even if you’re in an area that’s currently not wearing them. Those are now a thing we sometimes need in emergencies
      – Think about the toiletries you use every day. It might be a bit much to include all of them, but, for example, I would be extremely uncomfortable if I didn’t have access to moisturizer.
      – If you get a crank or solar radio, check regularly to make sure it still works. I’ve repeatedly had the batteries lose the ability to hold a charge, meaning I charge the radio in the sun all day, and when I turn it on the battery’s dead. Or when I crank it, it only works for a second. I’ve actually found my old walkman from the 90s works fantastically as an emergency radio! It needs batteries, but I have them in the house, and I can take them out of the remote control or something in a power outage.

      1. Dino*

        On the topic of masks: if wildfires are a possibility where you are, look into respirator masks for each member of your family.

    4. Puggle*

      Cash. If the electricity is out, stores cannot process EFT payments. I’m in Australia and this was an issue in previous bushfire disaster events.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yes. After Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, a Memphis friend loaded her car with water and food for her sister in NO. She also took cash because, as you noted, if there’s no electricity, there’s no way to process credit card payments. I had never thought of that but now I keep cash on hand.

      2. Aphrodite*

        I strongly agree. I keep a large plastic jar full of coins, about $50 worth, and of $1 and $5 bills (along with a few tens and one or two twenties) that totals about $300. I am aiming to get it up to about $500 total.. A good-sized earthquake or a bad fire can affect electricity, hence my suggestion for never letting your gas tank get below half-way. (And for the coins and small bills. I wouldn’t want to have to pay $20 for a $6 item because no one could give me change.)

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Those pocket hand warmers with iron oxide powder in, that you just have to take out of the sealed packet and shake. The heat lasts for hours, and they are a single-use item, but I have had success putting them into a ziploc plastic bag while they are still giving off heat, and being able to reactivate them later.

    6. Who Plays Backgammon?*

      After the big important stuff, include a couple of entertainment items (somebody else listed books). I found inexpensive travel sets of several games on Amazon.

    7. Isobel*

      I’d like to recommend Sustainable Prepping on YouTube – described as “Emergency preparedness for normal people”. She is left-leaning politically and a nice change from the anti-government conspiracy theorists who tend to dominate this field.

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        Thank you for that!! Yeah, even politics aside, a lot of the stuff I’ve seen is like “this is how we live off grid on our huge homestead where we grow all our own food and make our own penicillin and depend on nobody else ever!” and it’s like, more power to you, but my life is not like that and never will be.

    8. Artemesia*

      Thermal blankets — those tough kind that fold down small but not the milar which are basically one use and rip easily — the ones that can be re-used.

    9. Bookgarden*

      I picked up a Kaito KA500 emergency radio when it was on sale on Amazon a few years ago and had 2 opportunities to use it during two high-profile blackouts. It worked really well! It charges up with solar power, hand cranking, or batteries. I can’t speak well for how long the power lasts on it compared to other brands, but it fit our needs. It has a flashlight and cell phone charger, which gave us a little juice without draining our laptop.

      In addition to what everyone else said, we added Life Straws and some Lysol wipes for sanitation and a small single burner Coleman stove for cooking a simple meal. We added pens, a notebook, and sharpies. I also found folded emergency mylar blankets online that protects against the cold and also acts as shelter from the sun/rain.

    10. BethDH*

      I have been thinking about this myself and the best advice I got was to think about where you are and the kinds of disasters that are most common where you are. Some emergencies happen everywhere, but there’s probably something that’s more likely where you are — forest fires, flash floods, hurricanes. What time of year do these happen? Will it be super cold or really hot? Is your kit likely to be a “get out and be ready to live in a shelter for two months” kit or a “shelter in place with no electricity or phone signal” kit? What would you need to rebuild your life if your house is destroyed?
      These questions help you focus what’s in your kit and how much of it you need. I felt like I should be putting everything on every list in my kit, but that wouldn’t work if we’re evacuated by a fire and need to be able to move fast.
      There are maps that can help with this, including ones by organizations like the Red Cross, and my state has a more detailed map for things like flood zones.
      It can also drive other decisions — on my list for this year is taking a wilderness first aid course and stashing copies of important documents in a different region, though I haven’t investigated whether that’s a family member or just a different bank deposit box.

      1. Cj*

        I think this definitely depends on the area where you live. I could get hit by a tornado where I live, but those are much more localized, and I would no doubt be able to get shelter and supplies nearby. It’s not the same as being hit by a hurricane.

        We generally know when a blizzard is going to hit, and can stock up on food and supplies ahead of time. The real problem is if you lose power and are without heat for a number of days. I’m hoping we can afford a generator by this coming winter. We do have many, many extra blankets, can always snuggle up with the pets for extra warmth.

        Filling up your gas tank when it’s half empty is always a good idea, as is having some cash in small denominations on hand.

        1. Clisby*

          Yes, hurricanes are the only natural disaster I prep for. (I live in Charleston, SC, where starting in June the first thing I look at in the morning is the National Hurricane Center webpage).

          Not just for evacuation – we’ve lived here 17+ years and have never evacuated for a hurricane. More what we need to get by for 2-3 weeks (although, so far, we’ve never needed even those precautions). It’s about time to start stocking up again. Atlantic hurricane season is June 1 – Nov. 30, but realistically, I don’t worry until August-October. I just found out my grocery store has shelf-stable organic whole milk, so I’ll be buying more of that in the coming weeks.

          My daughter is out in New Mexico for a summer internship, and fortunately the wildfires seem to have abated. I told her to be sure to keep a full tank of gas in case she had to leave in a hurry.

    11. Jim Bob*

      Something I don’t see mentioned elsewhere: copies of important documents (or have them stored on the cloud where you KNOW they will be accessible). Birth certificates, insurance policies and agent contact info, etc.

      If your home is wiped out, presumably your filing cabinet is also gone.

      1. Bird Lady*

        Please don’t laugh at this one: Sanitary napkins.
        Beyond their obvious use, they are excellent at absorbing blood from wounds.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Also tampons for the same reasons, although better for small wounds than large.

        2. Locke Lamora*

          This is extremely legit, I get a lot of amusement looking at all the premade survival kits sold online and not a single one has menstrual products. Or condoms! Like yeah both those things have tons of off-label uses but also the original purposes merit inclusion.

          1. Dragonfly7*

            Condoms strike me as something that weighs very little, takes up a small amount of space, and could be useful to barter.

    12. Pocket Mouse*

      Agree with BethDH on considering which emergencies, exactly, you’re preparing for. For me, it’s that I’d be displaced locally (e.g. building fire) or disaster strikes the entire region and all systems (including phone, electricity, water) are likely down. With that in mind, I’ve packed some of the items people listed above plus:

      1. Water bottles with built-in filters to <.1 micron, or with filters to .2 micron plus purification tablets—you want to be able to avoid both viruses and bacteria.
      2. At least a few days’ worth of necessary medications.

    13. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Each person in my family has their most important documents in one shared lockbox (birth certificates, social security cards, childhood vaccination records, car titles, baptism paperwork, etc). We all know where it is, so in an emergency, whoever is home can grab one box for the essentials. Besides the one box to rule them all, each of us has less important but useful paperwork in our own file (Stuff that can be replaced like the car insurance policy or paid credit card statements, or useful but not critical like records of non-emergency doctor visits. We also keep all the keys in the same place, although I’m thinking it would be better to have a copy of every key (house and vehicle) on an extra ring with the emergency stuff.
      I’ve never found a crank or solar radio that worked after a few years, but the stuff from my childhood is still solid. One handheld VHF radio (takes AA batteries or outlet power), and 6 walkie-talkies (ours take AA batteries, some take AAA), have lasted at least 2 decades of sporadic use, including periodic damp, and occasionally being dropped while camping.
      My dad had better luck with large portable charging batteries (way less convenient but they could power multiple devices for days). I don’t know what his setup was though.
      Oh one more thing that my family does: my mom has a lot of jewelry boxes of passed-down family stuff she doesn’t wear often. She stores them in gallon-sized ziplock bags, so if we have more than 5 minutes, she can grab 3 big bags instead of dozens of small boxes.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Good idea to consider taking a few heirlooms. Depending on evacuation circumstances I might include sabbath candlesticks or other Judaica (ritual items or books).

        Question re taking the jewelry along: would your mom keep them safe in the car, or in a backpack/tote bag that would always be on her person?

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          They would be in the car, probably brought inside with our bags wherever we end up staying. That would be during an evacuation situation like storm prep or flooding, not an emergency like fire.

          1. Well Spouse Association member*

            Thanks for this answer. May you be prepared but never have to evacuate.

      2. MaxKitty*

        You may want to practice evacuations to help your family members remember to grab the box. On another forum I’m on, a very levelheaded person said when they had to evacuate in a house fire, she didn’t react calmly at all, even though she thought she was at the time. She did unimportant things instead of grabbing vital things.

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          We actually had the bad luck to find out exactly how we react to fire. Turns out, most of us are the “eerily calm at the time, epic breakdown after the fact” type. That was a hell of a night…

      3. SaraV*

        While I don’t have physical heirlooms, I have a lot of pictures. I’d recommend scanning any pictures you don’t want to lose and saving them to the cloud.

    14. Jean (just Jean)*

      Great question and great comments. Especially appreciated here: the reference to the non-doomsday prepper and the Red Cross map/brochure to help one focus on local potential disasters.
      A few additions:

      For everyone:
      – up-to-date contacts list on smart phone or (gulp!) in several hard copies
      – up-to-date hard-drive backup of personal computer, unless you’ve decided to keep this in the cloud (not my personal choice, but I’m absolutely not a tech expert)
      – *looks at self in mirror*

      For anyone with any health complications:
      – documentation of diagnosis and treatments
      – any related medication (1-4 weeks’ worth, or whatever is possible) or equipment, including something as simple as a spare pair of eyeglasses or contact lenses + related items
      – contact data for care providers (medical doctors, physical therapists, mental health counselors, pharmacies, other specialized vendors)

      For anyone who is a caregiver:
      – all of the above, in as much quantity as you can manage (e.g. medications; incontinence supplies; ALL diabetes supplies [needles, sharps container, glucose monitor, alcohol wipes, trash container or plastic bag(s)] if needed; mobility aids; dressing aids; urinals or commodes; disposable underwear aka adult diapers; disposable and/or non-disposable waterproof pads; spare clothing; devices to help with transfers in/out of bed, chairs, vehicles; any day-to-day documentation including blank pages and pens for future notes)
      – a way to stay connected to anyone who provides moral support, even if it’s just a brief text every couple of days
      – a few physical items that provide moral support (a journal, book of prayers or other inspirational/consoling texts, worry beads, melatonin etc. if the caregiver takes it to facilitate a night’s sleep)

      For anyone grieving:
      – photos and other reminders of the departed loved one
      – condolence notes

    15. Jean (just Jean)*

      Great question and responses! I had a long detailed one for which I may have hit “cancel” instead of “submit” (argh). My lost (?) response included sub-lists for people who
      – have specific medical conditions
      – are caregivers for another household member
      – are grieving
      I also had a shout-out of appreciation for the suggestions for the Red Cross (list/brochure to narrow down preparations to one’s own most likely local disasters) and the non-anti-(U.S.)-government prepper. It’s easier to plan for temporary displacement without the noise of political opinions, shared or not.

    16. Preparedness*

      Our expected emergencies over the past few years have been (1) winter storms and (2) civil unrest. Possibly wildfire smoke, too.

      For winter storms: everyone keeps jumper cables, a shovel, a few blankets, a first aid kit, and some sand in their car. Also, never let your gas tank get below 1/4 if it’s winter and you’re not in the city. That 1/4 tank HAS come in handy one time when I was driving in an awful ice storm and decided to give up and sleep in a parking lot overnight!

      For civil unrest: we packed a bag with some food, water, and clothes. I made a list of names and addresses of friends/ family who live in other neighborhoods where we could stay if needed. We didn’t end up needing to use this bag, which was good!

      I’m thinking about getting an air purifier for possible future wildfires/ inversions/ poor air quality. We don’t have an HVAC system in our house, so in the summer we need to open the windows and deal with what’s out there.

      1. Preparedness*

        Forgot to mention tornados! Those are easy though. Usually you just have to hang out in the basement for a few hours.

    18. Girasol*

      I read an essay by a disaster preparedness podcaster who said she had her go-bag ready for anything when covid started. As lockdowns loomed she realized that her pantry was empty. It’s a good reminder to think broadly about the various kinds of disasters we might face and what preparation each will require.

      1. Clisby*

        Yes, in coastal SC we’re on hurricane alert every summer/fall and yet – invariably – there are news articles featuring people who at the very last minute have realized maybe they should stock up on, I don’t know, flashlight batteries and bottled water, and are panicking because store shelves are bare. This happens every year. Hurricane season is not a mystery. It happens every year.

    19. Wishing You Well*

      I would add to anyone’s emergency stash: enough drinking water for each household member for at LEAST 3 days, several blue tarps in various sizes, staple guns and lots of duct tape for covering broken windows, creating small easier-to-keep-warm rooms in a house/tents/lean-tos . In your car, keep a tool that slashes seatbelts and breaks car windows. (Break car windows in the corner, not the center.)
      Keep a serious first aid kit, including a tourniquet.
      Keep photos of loved ones and decks of cards handy. Learn a manual card game now, if you don’t know one.
      I sure hope everyone stays safe and healthy and never has to use this stuff!

    21. MtnBike*

      I live in hurricane land. A mountain bike (nothing fancy) is way better than a car for getting around in the immediate aftermath if you must go out.
      This reminds, me, time to go into summer mode and start cooking down what’s in the freezer. I keep my fridge and freezer to the minimum during storm season and if there’s on that looks like it could head my way, I do my best to cook through whatever’s there.

    22. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      Thanks for all the great ideas, everyone! My list is getting more filled out! A few notes of my own:

      Everyone says to put prescription medications in, which certainly seems smart, but is a bit hard to do when insurance will not fill them early. With the kids I’ll have to go through and update clothes and stuff every few months anyway, so maybe I could rotate. I should just keep my backup glasses in there too, I almost never need them so I won’t miss having them elsewhere.

      I saw an idea to have a “grab list” that is stored with the bags, so if you only have one minute, maybe you just take the bags, but if you have a little while longer to load the car, here are the additional things you have already decided you want and you can just go get them quickly.

      For my younger kid I’m going to put one of those Water Wow activities in, they’re small, require only a tiny amount of water and are reusable (also great for non-emergency travel).

    23. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      So interesting! I’ve never had an emergency bag for any possible situation. I guess I’m not wired that way, or it could be generational (I’m in my 70s). I’ll plan what to take for vacations and fun day trips, but that’s it.

    24. Dragonfly7*

      If anyone in your family has special dietary needs, pack more food than you otherwise might. For example, the cheaper options a shelter might default to because the money goes farther to feed more people, like pizza or many granola bars, wouldn’t be safe for me to eat as a celiac.

      Also, job loss can sometimes be a disaster. I’ve seen a well-stocked pantry called “an emergency fund you can eat,” and food that’s easy to evacuate with can definitely make up part of that pantry.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Agreed about the pantry. We keep a few staples in what we call “the strike cupboard”, which is intended for situations where we are safe at home but suddenly have no paycheck coming in. It’s stuff we’d normally eat, and we do go through most of it, but make sure we buy enough to keep it stocked while we have the grocery money. It took a few months to build it up, buying things that were on sale and getting one or two more than we normally would.

  6. Radical Edward*

    Victoria Goddard appreciation post! (But also, bookish enthusiasm in general)

    Is anyone else excited to finally read The Redoubtable Pali Avramapul?

    I have been subscribing to newsletters more and more this past year, but Goddard is the only author I have ever signed up with directly for ‘alerts’. I did a happy dance in my chair when I opened the email this afternoon.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Got it and read it! I enjoyed it, but it’s definitely not the place to start her works. I get alerts for Goddard, T. Kingfisher and Lois McMaster Bujold, because they all tend to drop self-published stuff with little notice.

      One detail I love in the book Whiskeyjack is how she never actually comes out and says that Whiskeyjack is a common name for the grey jay (which features in the book) – it’s there as a tidbit for Eastern Canadians and bird enthusiasts.

      There’s a free download on Amazon called “Sword & Magic: Eight Fantasy Novels” which includes the first Greenwing and Dart book, for anyone interested in checking out her work. It’s a good first introduction.

    2. OtterB*

      I have bought this but decided I wanted to reread The Return of Fitzroy Angursell first, so I haven’t started it yet.

  7. Jackalope*

    What is everyone reading this week? Any recommendations, or requests for recommendations?

    I just started The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter by Theodora Goss. It’s written about the “monstrous” daughters created by 1800s experiments – Mary Jekyll, daughter of Dr. Jekyll; Justine Frankenstein; and so on. I’m only about a 5th of the way through but so far it has been delightful and quirky, & I like other stuff by the author (she has several published short stories, for example), so I’m thinking it will be a good read.

    1. Double A*

      I’m almost done with “When We Cease to Understand the World” which is a “nonfiction novel” about the development of theories around quantum mechanics. I literally knew nothing about it’s topic when I started; it’s very good. And short, about 200 pages.

      When I’m done with that, hopefully tonight, I’ll get back to SPQR a history of Ancient Rome by Mary Beard. I know very little about the topic so I wanted to read a broad history and she’s an excellent writer. I’m determined to finish it because I rarely finish nonfiction books! But I’ve been kind of juggling it with the more in-demand library holds that are finally starting to come in for me. I have one more renewal, so like 4 weeks. I can finish it!

      1. Atheist Nun*

        When We Cease to Understand the World sounds fascinating. I majored in biochemistry in college and was a mediocre student (probably because I never studied…); the only class that I did well in was quantum mechanics, which I found interesting and logical. Now, 30 years later, I can feel free to study these personal scientific topics without the pressures of exams and grading.

        I enjoyed SPQR, as well as Mary Beard’s book about Pompeii (which is called, depending on the country of publication, Pompeii: The Life of a Roman Town or The Fires of Vesuvius: Pompeii Lost and Found). I was very fortunate to be on vacation in Italy last week, and I loved visiting Pompeii and the archaeological museum in Naples and seeing what Beard described so vividly in her book.

        1. Stitch*

          For fiction, I do enjoy Robert Harris’s books set in the Roman empire (Pompeii and his Cicero triology).

      2. Firefly*

        I just finished SPQR! I particularly enjoyed how the author discussed how later Roman writers wrote about early Roman times

      3. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

        Fans of the Roman Empire might be interested to try the webcomic SPQR Blues. Set on the slopes of Mount Vesuvius up to & around its big eruption. Chapters I -IV are available as a book. (I find it painfully ironic that “after the volcano” has been derailed by a pandemic.)

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Thank you to the person here who mentioned “The Hired Girl” and its Anne of Green Gables vibe. I’m only a quarter of the way in but really enjoying it so far!

    3. StellaBella*

      I have just received 5 Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse books this week, read 2 already. Am on a staycation and plan to read a lot!

      1. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

        I did something similar last week with Seanan McGuire’s “Wayward Children” series. There’s something very comforting about entering a universe that way.

        1. Stitch*

          For whatever reason the series disappeared from Libby for my library when I had two books left.

    4. Who Plays Backgammon?*

      I started “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy and am about a third of the way through it. I’m seriously considering putting it on hold till after covid. It’s brilliant and I want to finish it, but not until more cheerful times.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I second the recommendation for the Goss trilogy, it’s an excellent read. It also inspired me to do a reading course of Gothic fiction, as the author pulls references from a lot of works, from the famous (Dracula, Frankenstein) to the less well known (Arthur Machen, H. Rider Haggard).

    6. Bazza7*

      Just finished Hide Out – Book 3 in the Alice Vega series by Louise Luna, OK, but not on par with the previous two books in this series.
      Currently reading Diablo Mesa – Book 3 in the Nora Kelly series by Preston & Child, really go so far, just as good as the previous two books in this series.

    7. mreasy*

      Loving Devil House by John Darnielle. I just finished Detransition, Baby, which was an absolutely incredible book. I cannot recommend it enough!

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I got two next-in-series from the library: I’m reading the Chen Su Lin series by Ovidia Yu (detective stories set in 1930s Singapore) and the Natural History of Dragons series by Marie Brennan (collides dragons and the Victorian adventure traveler).

      My daughter gave me the Scholomance books for Mother’s Day, so rereading those yet again.

    9. BethDH*

      I would love a recommendation for something quirky/tongue-in-cheek and sort of escapist (probably sci fi or fantasy, possibly travel writing).
      Something in the vein of Connie Willis’ To Say Nothing of the Dog would be ideal, but could also be something more akin to Robert Asprin or Douglas Adams. Doesn’t have to be new, though I would heartily welcome a wider representation of humanity than is in a lot of the British-centric examples I’m already familiar with.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Have you read anything by Becky Chambers? She’s done some good sci-fi over the last few years that’s a little quirky and lighthearted, especially the Wayfares series.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Quirky and travel-ish: The Time Traveler’s Handbook: 19 Experiences from the Eruption of Vesuvius to Woodstock. It’s nonfiction/historical in that it’s talking about actual events throughout history, but it’s written in the style of a travel guide for a time-travel travel agency that takes tour groups back to experience the events in question, which I found really entertaining.

      3. GoryDetails*

        If you haven’t already tried T. Kingfisher, do check out A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking. (Minor Mage is also fun, though aimed for slightly younger readers – I think; even the most juvenile of Kingfisher’s work has fun-for-adults elements.) Fantasy novels with put-upon-but-snarky protagonists, great world-building, humor and suspense – I love ’em.

        I’ve just started The Extraordinaries by TJ Klune, which is about modern-day teens in a world where there are superheroes and supervillains (the “Extraordinaries”), with a diverse cast – including the gay protagonist who’s writing fanfic about his favorite superhero while coping with school, ADHD, and more. (The book opens with a sample of the fanfic and is both on point and amusing.)

        A very funny/quirky book I read a few years back: Emperor Mollusk vs. the Sinister Brain by A. Lee Martinez, in which the titular cephalopod keeps on trying to take over the world using his vast intellect and a variety of mobile outfits that let him (despite being more or less an octopus) walk, stride, and/or fly around the world. Lots of great bits about the whole “Evil Overlord list” (a hilarious list of trope-based advice such as “I will not outfit my storm troopers with face-concealing headgear, as it makes it too easy for the enemy to masquerade as one”), and an entertaining adventure too.

        Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero is also fun – a “gang of kid-detectives grows up” story, with a diverse cast and rather entrancing writing, in which the author often allows the actual scenery to insert a viewpoint on events.

          1. Autumn*

            Oh, fun! I just realized that Wil Wheaton performs the audio, may have to listen to it for a re-read. I blazed through the text in a morning.

      5. Stitch*

        Lots of good suggestions here. I’d recommend the Discworld series if you haven’t tried it (I personally recommend starting with Mort) and Good Omens. Pratchett’s work has a lot of satire.

        I’d toss in House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. Really sweet book.

        There’s the book called Space Opera that is super Douglas Adamsy. I’ll admit I DNF this one because I got a little exhausted on the tangents.

      6. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

        I have a book of short stories for you. Mirabile, by Janet Kagan. Fun, uplifting, hopeful, strong female leads, progression of new employees even.
        Stories released separately, published together by Tor. (Unfortunately Tor’s connecting text didn’t make it into the Kindle edition. )

      7. Machine Ghost*

        Janet Kagan: “Mirabile” (planetary sf, several loosely connected short stories about weird genetics)
        Jim C. Hines: “Terminal Alliance” and “Terminal Uprising”, first and second book of the Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse trilogy: Space Opera about zombies, space janitors and general mayhem.
        James Alan Gardner: “All Those Explosions Were Someone Else’s Fault” and “They Promised Me the Gun Wasn’t Loaded” (superheroes vs. vampires et al, but neither are the standard fare)

      8. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson was hilarious and fun and escapist.

      9. *daha**

        Look to Ron Goulart and Robert Sheckley. Both specialized in short and middle-length science fiction, generally light and comic in nature. Goulart also worked as a ghost writer, including on the William Shatner title Tekwar. One of Goulart’s characters was a ghost writer who was constantly chasing after his clients to collect his fee.

      10. BethDH*

        Thank you all! So many of these I’ve never heard of, and the few I have read reminded me of things I haven’t looked at for a while (for example, have read Scalzi before but not the recommended one!).
        There is something so reassuring about having lots of books on your to-read list, and mine has been too weighted toward non-fiction lately.

    10. Teapot Translator*

      I’m reading Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey this weekend.
      I enjoyed the first book in the series. Hoping this will be good, too.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I love The Expanse series!!

        You’re in for such a treat with this series and I’m a little jealous that you get to read it for the first time as I’d love to have that experience all over again.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Just finished The Sundown Motel by Simone St. James. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking it would make a great movie!! I also read The Book of Cold Cases by the same author a couple of weeks ago. This lady knows how to write a ghost story!! I think after these intense books I need to find a cozy or a romance to read next!!

        2. Rui just had ssianInTexas*

          Yes! I loved the way the series ended. It was unexpected, unpredictable (for me at least), but completely made sense.

      2. Stitch*

        I almost abandoned that series at Book 4, but the later ones are better.

        TV series is quite good too.

    11. GoryDetails*

      SQUIRE by Sara Alfageeh and Nadia Shammas, a graphic novel set in a fantasy world based largely on Arab landscapes and styles. The society includes peoples from several conquered nations, who live in their own enclaves with varying degrees of restrictions on their lives – and prejudice against them from other groups. Heroine Aiza is a member of the lowest-status group, bullied outright in the marketplace, and is desperate to escape – and she might get the chance, as there’s an open invitation for people to join the military. If they pass the tests they can become squires, giving them lots of benefits immediately – and might become knights, which would grant full citizenship. So far it’s a lovely mix of character interactions (Aiza’s first friend among the trainees is a rather fabulous young man who apparently signed up to follow his boyfriend – who is not at all pleased to find him there) and pretty blatant examples of institutionalized racism that Aiza is, at first, oblivious to. (She’s attempting to keep her ethnic origin secret by covering her distinctive wrist tattoos, but it’s clear that the higher-ups already know who she is – and may have specific plans for her…)

    12. Ness*

      I just finished The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. It’s about two sisters living in occupied France during WWII. The Great Alone is still my favorite of Kristin Hannah’s books, but I really enjoyed this one too.

    13. Bluebell*

      I’m waiting for a bunch of holds at the library so have read fluffier things this week. It Had to Be You was a romance set in NY with 5 different couples, and I also enjoyed The Break Up Book Club, which followed a group of women. Then I raced through two YA zombie novels by Jeff Hart which should have been a trilogy but were fun. Now I’m reading Monsters:A Love Story by Liz Kay. It’s amusing but the main characters keep getting more awful. I still have The Start Up Wife to finish, but it’s not really grabbing me.

    14. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I finished a fascinating book called Immune, by Phillip Detmer. It’s an in-depth look at our immune system, presented in an understandable way. He uses a combination of anthropomorphism (always while pointing out that he is doing so), simplification of the most complex systems, lots of illustrations, and replacing really confusing and hard to remember names with easier ones or with memorable descriptions of the thing. It mentions some things that I’ve only heard about recently, like mast cells and cytokines, and briefly touches on Covid-19 while saying the research there is very new compared to the other subjects he covers.

      Phillip Detmer is the guy behind the youtube channel Kurzgesagt (In a Nutshell), and his writing style is very similar to the channel style (including the artwork). I highly recommend his book!

    15. Rui just had ssianInTexas*

      The Killing by David Hewsom. The book that the Danish, and then the American series was based on.
      I don’t think I will read more of his, because this book just Never Ends. It’s a murder mystery of 900 pages. I am not ready for this! Something by George RR Martin, or the history of Jerusalem – yes, sure. But a murder mystery? No. In addition, the chapters are super long, each covers a day in the investigation, but that means the story jumps between various sets of characters and it’s confusing.

    16. Cj*

      Any recommendations for a good mystery/Prime/detective series of novels? I’m pretty well caught up on the Kinsey Millhone novels by Sue Grafton, if she stops at the end of the alphabet I only have a couple left.

      I’ve also read a lot of the Alex Delaware novels by Jonathan Kellerman, but I kind of lost interest because I enjoyed the earlier ones a lot more than the more recent ones.

      1. Machine Ghost*

        I like the Anna Pigeon series by Nevada Barr a lot. If you also like historical mysteries, I recommend the Lady Sherlock series by Sherry Thomas, and the Phryne Fisher series by Kerry Greenwood.

      2. Russian in Texas*

        Inspector Gamache by Louise Penny.
        Bruno, chief of police, by Martin Walker.
        Angela Marsons books.
        Historical mysteries: Sebastian St Cyr mysteries by C.S. Harris.
        Maeve Carrigan series by Jane Casey.
        Dublin Murder Squad by Tana French.

      4. MEH Squared*

        She actually died before she could tackle Z so the series ends at Y. I completely agree with you about the Alex Delaware novels–I feel like they peaked about fifteen years ago or earlier. I haven’t read many lately, but I loved Marcia Muller’s Sharon McCone back in the day and Elizabeth Peters’ Amelia Peabody. Sujata Massey, Margaret Maron, and Laurie R. King are good, too. And, of course, the Hercule Poirot novels by Agatha Christie.

      5. PhyllisB*

        If you like funny books, you might enjoy the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich. Word of caution: don’t read one right after the other because they will get monotonous if you do. I just started a new series today, the Sherlock Holmes Bookshop mysteries by Vicki Delany. Very entertaining; especially if you like Sherlock Holmes.

        1. Cj*

          I forgot about those! I’m actually got part way through #14 a few years ago, didn’t finish it because of tax season and never went back to it. I think I read too many in a row and they got monotonous like you said.

          I think most people that like to Kinsey Millhone novels would enjoy the Stephanie Plum novels. I hadn’t heard that to Sue Grafton died. It’s really sad that she only had one more to go to finish the series. I agree with what another poster said about the final books not being is good, but I got part way through W and figured I might as well finish about the series.

          I’m a part way through a Stephanie Plum, Kinsey Millhone, and Alex Delaware novel and just can’t get into them as much as the previous ones in the series. So I would jump to another one and ran into the same problem. For a while I read like a novel a week, and now haven’t picked one up for a couple years. I love reading, so maybe I should try again and see what happens.

          I’m not terribly familiar with the original Sherlock Holmes. I did enjoy the TV show Elementary, which was a very updated version of the story. I think I’ll look into those. Thanks.

      6. allathian*

        Y is for Yesterday is the last Kinsey Millhone novel. I liked the first 20 or so books a lot, but I found that the quality of her writing dropped a lot in the last 5 or so novels, and I never finished Yesterday. Nevertheless I’m a bit sad that she never got the chance to finish Z is for… She died in December 2017. RIP

        Agatha Christie remains one of my favorite authors, in spite of the classism, sexism and racism (particularly antisemitism) that’s apparent, especially in the earlier works. I actually had to buy a new copy of “And then there were none” because the old one I had from the mid-80s, probably the last edition published with the original name (Ten Little N-word) was so jarring to read. Ten little soldier boys is a lot more innocuous. This is my favorite non-Poirot Christie book.

        I’m currently rereading Reginald Hill’s Dalziel & Pascoe series.

    17. Jen Erik*

      I read Nettle and Bone by T Kingfisher, which I just loved – so hard to write a proper fairy story – and am about half-way through The Vanished Days by Susanna Kearsley which I’m really enjoying,

    18. Foreign Octopus*

      The Gray House, by Mariam Petrosyan. I’m about 200 pages in and still don’t know whether I like it yet.

    19. Nicki Name*

      The Pasha of Cuisine – food and magic in the Ottoman Empire. It’s a beautiful fairy tale so far.

    20. *daha**

      The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. If you’ve got a kid with frequent violent uncontrollable meltdowns (or if you need to work with such a child) this is the book for you. It was incredibly valuable to me two decades ago when I was working with school systems that were constantly putting my five-year-old under restraint or on suspension. I bought copies for all the staff and all his treatment team. The book is now in its sixth edition.

    21. Cj*

      I’m wondering if anybody could help me identify a series of books I read a couple decades ago that I guess would be considered fantasy.

      The main plot is kind of an adult Twilight, I guess. The main character was having a relationship with a Vampire, but was also involved with a werewolf. I believe the main character was also into witchcraft or magic, but I don’t remember for sure.

      I’d like to go back and re-read them, and finish the series but I can’t remember the name of the book or the author. I’m not sure what to search for on Google.

      Does this is sound familiar to anybody that might be able to point me in the right direction?

      1. Koala dreams*

        That sounds like urban fantasy, for example Patricia Briggs or Ilona Andrews. Maybe the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, it was very popular for a while.

      3. GoryDetails*

        If you’re talking about the “Anita Blake” series by Laurell K. Hamilton – maybe just leave the rest of the series out? Blake began the series as a necromancer – offically licensed to raise the dead, usually for the purpose of solving crimes by asking them whodunnit or whatever – but almost immediately began to get more and more involved in sex magic and politics with a variety of werecreatures and vampires. The first few books were rather fun, but for me they went south once Anita became less the kickass magic-cop and more the increasingly abusive in her relationships. (In-story I think it was “the magic made me do it”, but I didn’t like the direction things took. Less snarky banter and more “…and now it’s the were-leopards’ turn”…) But your mileage may vary!

        If that’s not the one you were thinking of, never mind. {grin}

  8. Double A*

    What is an improvement you’ve made to your life recently that had a disproportionately positive impact? I’m talking about more material things like a product upgrade or organizational improvement (not, like, applying a strategy you learned in therapy).

    I’m especially interested in purchases (big or small) that you waffled on and once you finally got them wished you had sooner.

    1. Double A*

      I recently purchased a $100 trash can to replace my super crummy, gross cheapo trash can. I hated that trash can. It was awkward and icky clunky. But $100 for a trash can?? Surely ridiculous!

      Oh no friends. The $100 trash can is a thing of beauty. It looks lovely. It opens smoothly. It changes effortlessly. Why oh why did I wait?

      I also recently reorganized my spices to be in a drawer rather than a cabinet. We have a ton of drawers but not so many cabinets, and I’ve been slowly figuring out how to make better use of the drawers. It made a big difference because I can see everything and it’s right under the counter where I cook. It’s just such a big organizational improvement in my kitchen.

      And finally, after several months of contemplating different ruggable options, I finally bought a new rug for the TV/playroom to replace our ratty thrift store rug and it looks amazing. Just makes the room feel so much better to be in. And we even had to make use of the washable feature after our kids’ first bought with stomach flu this last week did not spare the rug. Washes and dries great!

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I don’t wear rings and didn’t want an engagement ring, but I wanted the Fancy Simple Human trash can with the foot-lever-operated lid.

        But, as you note, it costs $100!!!!!

        My then-fiance’ kept waiting for it to go on sale.

        But it never did.

        Eight months later, he paid full price (we are not Full Price People) for the trash can. Fourteen years later, it is still shiny and resplendent in its spot in the kitchen. I have no regrets.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I can’t remember who it was right now (not enough coffee yet) but someone who comments on this site wrote a few years ago about asking for one of those trash cans for an engagement gift. She even wrote about it on her blog. If you are reading this, will you please tell the story again for those who missed it the first time?

            1. PhyllisB*

              Ha Ha!! After I posted this, I wondered if that might not be the case, but was too late to cancel comment.

        2. pancakes*

          Similar here, though we haven’t had ours quite that long. My boyfriend was initially mad when I bought it because it arrived in a huge box and he thought it was too big for our kitchen, but it’s perfect and has held up brilliantly.

      2. BethDH*

        Are you me? We got the same trash can ten years ago and I was so conflicted. It’s now been with us ten years and through several moves.
        I also moved my spices to a drawer, and at the same time bought short wide spice jars. This cost about forty dollars and a whole morning to move the spices and put labels on the tops of the lids, but now I can see the labels easily and never have to be annoyed that a larger measuring spoon doesn’t fit in the jar.

        1. Double A*

          Ooh, that might be my next step with the spices. Thanks sounds so pleasing.

          And the thing with a trash can is…you use it a lot! So it might as well be an object that pleases you.

      3. Rui just had ssianInTexas*

        I got a new expensive, about the same price level trashcan for the kitchen few weeks back, and can confirm. They make a difference!

      4. Filosofickle*

        The SimpleHuman / OXO sticker shock is real — and worth every penny to me! I’ve had my SH trash can for 15 years and might replace it only because I’ve moved to a new place and it doesn’t fit as well here. Otherwise, it might last forever! Still works perfectly. Even the bags are better. I just bought one of their shower caddies, and while the price tag is steep (worse now due to materials shortages) it is everything I need that simply isn’t available at a lower price point. Nothing is tipping over or banging around, everything fits, it’s adjustable, and there’s little holes to turn your bottle upside down. I use this stuff every day and keep it for years and years, so better materials and function pay off for me.

      5. the cat's ass*

        A similar trashcan (handsfree) was offered at Costco a couple of years back with a smaller one, which we use in the bathroom. So simple, so beautiful!

    2. Jackalope*

      I’ve always been messy, and had a big (although contained) pile of stuff on my bedroom floor that kept getting higher and higher. I finally went to Target and got a wooden organizer that I’ve been using. I put fabric cubes in some of the squares for general stuff & left the other shelves open for books. It’s been so helpful! One of the useful things is that I gave myself permission to just throw stuff in the fabric cubes without having to organize it first. Normally I would aim for organization and it would take forever, but this helped make it go faster. And I can clean it out bit by bit when I feel like it without having stuff all over my floor. I still have a bit of a pile because… I’ll probably just always be like that. But now it’s much smaller, about 5 min work of cleanup, and not as daunting. Plus, I had an odd-shaped blanket that had also been living on the floor because it didn’t fit in our storage area even if I folded it. I draped it over the top of the shelving unit and voila! A cozy cat sunning perch right by the window with excellent view of our neighborhood’s many birds.* I’ll have to go through at some point and work through the drawers but it’s been delightful having the extra storage & the freedom not to have to organize all of the random stuff that otherwise lived on the floor.

      *No worries – our cats are indoors only and eat the neighborhood birds only in their dreams.

      1. esemess*

        This sounds like a good solution for my own messiness (and mental gymnastics on being less messy).

      2. rr*

        This is me. I’m trying to clean out a little this weekend (any suggestions for how to determine what books to get rid of if you haven’t read them yet but still think you might? obviously I bought them for a reason) and I would appreciate a link to the item you bought if you have it.

        I also recently bought a garbage can like this – I think it is the same brand, though I have to check. I really loved the sample package of liners they included too, but I have too many trash bags still to spend more money right now.

          1. WoodswomanWrites*

            From a fellow person who has piles of stuff, I think you just changed my life.

    3. Aphrodite*

      Parodontax toothpaste. I was raised on Crest, switched to Tom’s quite a number of years ago, and then recently found Parodontax, which is outstanding for people with gum issues or sensitive teeth. (I found Sensodyne to be the most awful stuff ever.) Wow, is it wonderful.

      1. mreasy*

        Ooh thank you for the recommendation. I’m a Nimbus fanatic with sensitive teeth but have never liked any of the sensitive toothpastes. I’ll try it.

      3. Mimmy*

        Ooh I may have to check that out. I’ve been using Sensodyne and don’t love the flavor.

      4. MEH Squared*

        Thanks for the rec! I hate Sensodyne and Tom’s is fine, but I can always try something new.

    4. Radical Edward*

      I just got a Chromebook with a 17-inch screen. I needed it to finish a short project but wasn’t about to settle for anything smaller than my 15-inch MacBook… which is so old that the screen brightness can’t be adjusted anymore, because a long-ago OS update killed the control keys. So you can perhaps imagine the incredible relief I felt after using a dimmed display for eight hours and not having any eye strain! Best $250 I have spent in a long time. I really wish I had bitten this particular bullet sooner.

      I am currently plotting all the ways I can crack that Linux terminal and recreate my preferred setup. (I have no love for Chrome, and learning that I could run Firefox via Linux on this sucker absolutely made my week.)

    5. Mid*

      I got new spice jars. The old ones had wide bases so they took up way too much space and I was wasting so much shelf space and it irritated me every day.

      So I just got new spice jars. They’re square. They’re bigger but take up less space than the old ones. And they came with cute labels as a bonus! And it’s the best $20 I’ve spent.

      1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        The spice jar conversation is amusing me. I have moved most of my spices into the little flat flask shaped bottles from a particular brand of premixed cocktails. I get to use my label maker to name things, and somehow the broad but thin bottles work well in my cupboard — and are easy to grab if I’m pulling out several at a time.
        Upgrade project will be to start putting dates on things when I refill, and label both the wide and skinny sides.

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      I got an induction hob (stovetop) to replace the gas one that came with the house. I love it! I had to replace a couple of pans because they didn’t work on the new surface, but otherwise it’s been great. It heats up and cools down really fast, boils water very quickly and even switches itself off after a certain period of inactivity.

      I hated cooking with gas so much (being paranoid about whether or not I’ve turned it off is a major factor) plus I have asthma and gas appliances are terrible for that. Junking the old gas hob is the best money I’ve spent in years.

      1. allathian*

        Oh yes, I love our induction stovetop as well. I’m fine with gas for the barbecue grill outdoors, it’s much cleaner and faster than charcoal, but I don’t want to cook with gas indoors.

      2. Double A*

        Interesting! We have a gas stove but I’d like to go electric for various reasons. But we just replaced the gas range a few years ago so I don’t feel like we can convert to electric soon. What’s this called or could you share a link?

    7. Batgirl*

      I bought a multi pocket backpack to replace my fancy leather satchel, and I’m so much more organized. I have to move classrooms sometimes in a minute’s notice and my drink flask is in the elastic side pocket and my pencil case is in one of the front pockets so I can grab everything in one hand. If I need my hands for a box of books or classroom resources, I can put it on my back. I also keep the top unzipped to slide in whatever book we’re reading, if I have to go somewhere. It fits my substantial lunch bag in the center (previously I’d arrive at a lunch duty and remember too late that I’d nothing to eat because my food was on the other side of school). My huge, A4 unwieldy self-printed and bound planner (also life changing), fits easily in the first zippered section where there are also hooks for pens. I have stopped losing my favorite pen. There’s also a pocket for a spare mask and my lanyard which makes mornings easier, and a key fob hook. Yes, I have ADHD and work very hard on making organization easier!

        1. Batgirl*

          I used onestopplannershop for the key pages, including calendar pages which allows you to print out whatever options you like if you pay a membership, which is cheaper for me than buying a fancy planner. You can also edit the pages before printing and put colourful memos on your key days. I also took apart some free school planners for the pages that work for me (most don’t) and if I get key documentation or forms at work, like petty cash or purchase orders I also include those. I bought an Arc paper punch from Amazon and compatible rose gold discs from Etsy, where I also bought clear plastic covers. The “cover” is a photograph I found online of a lighthouse. The Arc punch is the expensive part (£50 but I can use it, and the discs to bind pages every year), but I got it over cheaper options because it’s sturdy enough to punch stiff plastic paper holders. I use those to stash unpunched pages or documents I collect because the Arc is too heavy to carry around.

          1. Batgirl*

            You can see lots of examples of disc bound planners that people have designed on onestopplannershop.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        What bag did you get? I have probably half a dozen backpacks and none of them really fit my life. I’ve been shopping for a new one (in the UK) but haven’t found one that’s quite right yet.

        1. Batgirl*

          I’m in the UK too, I bought the Lekesky laptop rucksack from Amazon. If I had a complaint it would be the lack of color options (my previous bag was a bright red satchel). I chose the black over the grey because the light colour looked prone to staining. For practicality and comfort though, I don’t think I could design a better one myself.

    8. Artemesia*

      I have a set of joseph joseph cutting boards that fit in a stainless case which is fairly narrow and goes up against the wall by a kitchen counter — takes up almost no space and the 4 color coded boards go in the dishwasher. We use at least 3 of them every time we cook — and use them every day. They look good, don’t take up space and are so useful and prevent cross contamination. Pricey but so worth it.

      Someone else mentioned an expensive trash can. We also cut a narrow stainless trash can with foot pedal for paper trash in the kitchen — looks good, works great, great purchase that makes our life better.

      Discovered traveling how important hyaluronic acid in face cream is if you are old. I took a 4 day side trip and just threw a moisturizer sunscreen into the mini dob kit and not my usual which comes in a less convenient bottle. In 4 days, my old face was 5 years older with visible deep wrinkles. Went to a pharmacist in small French town and got a face cream with the hyaluronic acid and within 3 days, back to old but not all that wrinkled. couldn’t believe how well this stuff I use every day was working until I stopped using it for a couple of days.

    9. Nopity Nope*

      House cleaner 1x/month. Been thinking about it for years, finally took the plunge. I hate cleaning, and did the bare minimum. (If I’m honest, less than the bare minimum. It’s amazing how much dust you can overlook if you take off your glasses.) Decided that if I want a clean house, gotta spend either time or money, and that’s not how I want to spend my time. Bonus is that I’m a “just put it anywhere” person, so having a regular clean means I have to pick up everything and put it away at least once a month. End result is overall more tidiness, found a great person, money well spent.

      Second place is remote unlock/start for my car. Got it for the unlock feature after locking myself out of the car, but the auto start on a cold winter day is delicious!

      1. SnootyGirl*

        I’m with you – HATE housekeeping but since I don’t work anymore I feel guilty about having someone come in to clean. Might bite the bullet now….

      2. Sundial*

        You are spitting truth about taking your glasses off. I couldn’t figure out why our shower was so gross, and then I ralized both of us are practically blind and (obviously) do not shower in corrective lenses.

      3. Bongofury*

        Just a funny note about not seeing anything without your glasses. When I got Lasik the worst thing was seeing how dirty my shower was every day. I couldn’t hide from it anymore!

    10. mreasy*

      We bought a toaster oven about a year ago, which isn’t a recent purchase, but I hadn’t had one in a couple of decades…wow. It’s a complete game changer for reheating and toasting…plus you can roast kale in less than 10 minutes!

      1. WellRed*

        Toaster oven has been a total game changer for me. Especially warming up leftovers for lunch during the past two years of WFH.

      2. Double A*

        Oh man, I can’t even imagine living without a toaster oven! We didn’t even have a microwave for awhile, but couldn’t live without the toaster oven.

    11. The OG Sleepless*

      Clinique Moisture Surge CC Cream as a foundation primer. It makes my foundation last so much longer, makes the tint a better match for my skin, and has 30 SPF! That plus Revlon Colorstay lipstick have made my makeup a million times better!

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Good quality baking sheets. My son gave these to me for Christmas, and I requested more the following year. They’re just… so nice. Not warped. No mysterious burnt on bits.

      2) My husband says that he has never felt so rich as the time we got rid of all the old mismatched tupperware and replaced it with uniform leftover containers. (e.g. all the square lids fit on all the square boxes)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        I didn’t get this for myself, but someone gave me the best container gift once: “Mr. Lid” containers, which are like tupperware but with the lids attached with a hinge. No more missing lids!

    14. I am a unicorn but not your unicorn*

      Buying a second air fryer. Total indulgence (though I grabbed the second one at Costco on sale so it wasn’t that much of an indulgence), but now we can make chicken nuggets and tater tots at the same time (I never get good results from using that rack and trying to do two layer cooking in one fryer). I barely turn on my oven April to September and just cook out of the air fryers. Totally worth it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        YES, exactly the same thing — though for me it was shrimp and tater tots :) I love my air fryers and I can never get breaded things or potato products like tots to come out well in the oven. Everyone else I know raves about their instant pot – I never used mine and actually gave it away to make room for the second air fryer, haha.

      2. Cj*

        We also have two of them now. The original basket style one wasn’t big enough to do things like onion rings or french fries that made enough for the two of us. I got a second more expensive one with two racks that do work pretty well if you’re doing things that need to be cooked at the same temperature, but a lot of times I’m not.

        Bonus: my husband, who can barely make toast, even manages to make himself a meal in an air fryer.

      3. Seeking second childhood, CTA*

        Some people are opening their pool right about now. I’m rearranging the back porch (enclosed but unheated) for the ‘summer kitchen’. Air fryer, toaster oven, coffee pot, sous-vide, Instantpot… it all stays on the porch until fall.
        The first year we set everything up on the patio under the eaves, but squirrels raided our toaster oven.
        We don’t cook a thing inside after the AC is goes into the window.

    15. PhyllisB*

      One of the best small purchases I ever made was a mini colander. I bought it because it was so cute. (My husband was less than impressed. His reaction: “just what we’re going for with kitchenware. Cute!!”) Amidst much eye rolling. Well, y’all, that’s been one of the smartest purchases I’ve ever made. It holds about a cup of whatever, and it’s just right for a couple of empty nesters.
      Even Mr. Skeptical users it everyday. Another great purchase was an apple cover that cuts apples into 8 sections in one cut. We eat a lot of apples and this is quicker and neater than using a knife. It’s amazing how small things can make such a difference.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Just remembered another one: a zester. This one is long with a handle and not only is it great for zesting fruit, it’s great for finely grated cheese or garlic. If you’ve ever had to use a toothpick to clean out the small holes on your box grater you will understand my joy.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Microplane graters are an indispensable part of my kitchen! I have fine and coarse, use them all the time.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Xmas stocking stuffer: a mini whisk. SO USEFUL. I use it more often than the full-size whisks, because often I’m just making a few tablespoons of salad dressing.

        1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          Also mini spatulas and tongs. Mini spatulas are great for tomato paste but I also use them for many other things. Mini tongs are great for getting toast out of the toaster and for serving chopped lettuce for tacos

      3. SnootyGirl*

        Bought a(nother) colander only this one has tiny holes – perfect for draining tuna without losing any of the meat. And yes, mini colanders are a wonderful thing to have in the kitchen for draining pickles, olives, relish, berries, etc.

    16. ThatGirl*

      We had an old, leaky, original to the house faucet in our kitchen. We bought a new one AGES ago, but realized we couldn’t install it ourselves and it sat in the box for years. I got fed up last year and called a plumber to come one day while my husband was at work. He also replaced the disposal and tightened everything up and it’s legitimately a huge improvement – no more leaking, the faucet is pull out and has a sprayer, such a small thing but it makes everyday tasks much easier.

    17. Forensic13*

      Very fancy (and fairly expensive) toaster oven that we had to wait MONTHS for and now that it’s finally here—oh my god perfect toast. With no effort. Game changer.

    18. Suprisingly ADHD*

      My file box! It’s a $15 metal mesh box for hanging files, and has no lid. It’s the only filing method I ever got to work for my personal stuff!
      It took me days to sort and transfer everything, but now filing is a breeze. One folder per company or topic (eg Credit Card, Car Insurance, Health), login information is in the front of each folder, and each folder is in chronological order with new stuff going in front. No more piles of paper everywhere, and if I slip up and don’t put things away for a week or two it’s 5-10 minutes to fix, instead of an hour.

    19. fhqwhgads*

      A better blender. We had a 10 year old cheapo blender that was annoying to use, annoying to clean, loud and took a long time to actually blend. Got a new commercial grade blender, not even a fancy super expensive vitamix. Just a $100 new blender replacing a 10 year old was $30 originally blender. Definitely a “why didn’t I do this sooner” moment.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Seconding! I got a very powerful Ninja blender, and it makes blender recipes SO easy! (Warning: the blades are not attached to the cup, so you need to be very careful when cleaning and never let kids anywhere near the thing.)

          1. Liminality (Formerly It's Quarantime!)*

            Oh, maybe I was imagining the Homestar Runner/Strong Bad reference?

            1. fhqwhgads*

              Oh, the name is absolutely a reference to that, but nothing in the specific comment was.

    20. Rui just had ssianInTexas*

      Dental water pick. My back teeth are spaced very tightly and I get food packed there, which leads to the gum inflammation.
      My dentist recommended one, and it made a difference!
      Also, partner and I are debating the Litter Robot. Got 3 cats, they like to poop, and our backs aren’t getting younger…

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My husband got a Litter Robot and the experience has been … meh? It doesn’t do all the connectivity bells and whistles with the app and notifications the way it’s advertised to, and I don’t know if this is related to that issue or if he did something wrong in the setup or whatnot but it pretty much doesn’t cycle itself, he has to manually push buttons to cycle it a couple times a day. He is unbothered by this (“It’s still better than having to scoop the box manually!”), but personally, if I’d spent that kind of money on a cat box that didn’t even self-scoop the way it’s supposed to, I’d be pretty ticked off, and it annoys me when he travels and *I* have to push the buttons to cycle it a couple times a day.

        1. Russian in Texas*

          Thanks! There are multiple discussions online about self cleaning litter boxes, guess I need to dive in to them more.

        2. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

          I agree, this was several years ago but we found the Litter Robot did not quite work as advertised. I think our smaller cat somehow would not trigger the automatic cycle thing, and I remember it having a lot of nooks and crannies that were annoying to clean.

      3. North Wind*

        Oh yes on the water pick!

        My gums got into a terrible state (bleeding) and within 2 days of using the water pick they were completely back to normal. Could not believe how fast it sorted me out.

      4. Half Empty*

        I got a rechargable water flosser (the “extra large” one from Smile Direct) a few weeks ago because my dentist recommended using a water flosser in the morning when I shower. Haven’t noticed any sort of difference in my teeth feeling cleaner or anything, but hopefully my dentist will see a difference at my next appointment!

        I feel like I can’t get to my back teeth well at all. Does anyone have tips on getting the back teeth? Or does everyone struggle with that?

        1. Russian in Texas*

          It takes some practice for sure and since hand gymnastics. And I still basically have a lake on my counter after I am done.

      5. Sundial*

        I bought a Waterpik and was less than impressed, but I stumbled across an amazing use for it: cleaning cartilage piercings! It works so well for getting under my rook and tragus, instead of taking them out and irritating the holes.

    21. Girasol*

      I spent the winter at home in a brand new pair of fleece lined moccasins that, like so many shoes, are only wide enough across the front to fit three toes. With my feet hurting I bought some inexpensive plastic Birkenstock Arizona shoes and thick woolly socks to wear with them on cool spring mornings. My toes are starting to unkink. I wish I’d done that sooner!

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        Lined Crocs were my wear-around-the-house winter shoe game changer this past season.

    22. Lurker*

      For anyone who has to take public transportation — noise canceling headphones. I got a pair of Bose noise canceling ear buds as a gift about 10 years ago and have never looked back. Crying baby? Crazy religious zealot yelling about the end times on the subway? Loud cell phone talker? Can’t hear them! I used to get so irritated by the constant noise pollution on my commute; it made me so cranky. These changed that. I’m now on my 4th pair and will never go back. (They’re expensive, but completely worth it.)

    23. North Wind*

      Espresso Machine!

      I have spent so very, very much money on my daily Starbucks mocha and breakfast. I’ve thought about getting an Espresso machine for years now, but I was really afraid I’d spend a ton of money on it and then not really give up the morning Starbucks run. I work from home full-time, and getting out of the house first thing in the morning before starting my day is just essential to waking up and being prepared to start work. The Starbucks run is more than just the coffee.

      But I finally broke down and bought the machine, and and it’s working out great. I am definitely saving a lot of money, but I also make my own mocha syrup with raw honey and so am consuming a lot less refined sugar than in the mochas I get from Starbucks. I don’t need the drink to be super sweet, but it does need to be super chocolatey – and I can control for that by making my own syrup.

      So I make my mocha and breakfast at home, and then drive out to a really beautiful local seaside park most mornings – giving me the get-out-of-the-house-in-the-morning routine I need.

    24. Chaordic One*

      One thing I bought that was ridiculously overpriced for what they are, are these funny little hook things for my car. The hooks fit around the base of the headrests for the front seats. They face the back seat of the car and you hang shopping and grocery bags from them in the area in front of the back seat. No more tipped-over grocery bags, no more plastic bags falling down around whatever was inside of them, no more grocery items rolling around on the floor of the car and getting lost under the front seats or sliding over to the far side of the car where you can’t reach them.

      You should be able to find them at the dollar store, but you can’t. Instead I broke down and paid $15 or so for two of them, plus an additional shipping charge, from Publishers Clearing House. I suppose if you were terribly clever (like say, Martha Stewart) you might be able to make something similar out of bent coat-hangers using a pliers. (But I’m not that clever, and kind of lazy.) Anyway, they really work great.

    25. beentheredonethat*

      Solar panels. You need to get a reputable company to do it. But oh my, I am not dreading the summer bills.

    26. MEH Squared*

      SSD for my computer. I resisted it for years–not even sure why–and the first time I got one for my laptop, it was a life-changer. I can’t imagine getting a new computer without it. Also, at least a terabyte of memory and as much RAM as possible. Basically, anything that makes my computer run more smoothly, faster, and better since I’m on it for most of the day.

    27. The Peach*

      I bought a pair of glasses with a prescription specific to computer screen distance. While I can read books or my phone up close fine without corrective lenses, and my regular glasses work well for distance, driving, the TV, etc., my computer screen sometimes felt blurry and working could get to be a strain. So, on a whim, I tried these, and OH MY GOD I should’ve done this a long time ago. Worth every penny (granted, I got cheap ones, but this would be worth even the fancy glasses.) My work habits got shinier and better overnight. I hadn’t realized how much that bit of blurriness actually hacked away at my concentration over the course of days/weeks/etc. of work.

      1. allathian*

        Oh yes, I second this. I got my first pair two years ago, and it upped my productivity so much that my boss noticed! Bonus was that my employer paid for them, and an occupational health physical therapist came to the office and measured distances to put on the scrip. As a bonus, she also helped me adjust my chair to a better height…

    28. Allie*

      Litter Robot. Waited for literally years to buy due to the price, but finally got one about six months ago and it is amazing. I have two cats and empty the robot waste drawer every four days or so, which takes about three minutes. A total game changer for me!

    29. Clisby*

      Not *too* recently, since it was all done by December 2021, but I finally had surgery to remove cataracts in both eyes. The lens implants are seriously like a miracle. For the first time in years I can walk around my house or my neighborhood without glasses. (I still have prescription glasses for reading/computer use since I got the lens implants giving me distance vision for the first time in, oh, 55 years) but that’s OK.)

    30. Dragonfly7*

      Small purchase: already cooked and peeled hard boiled eggs. As someone who would otherwise skip breakfast, I can eat these in the car or when I arrive at work with a banana and be quite satisfied until lunch. This also makes me less likely to overeat later in the day.
      I’m not great at hard boiling my own, and they usually went to waste. I will actually eat these, so they are worth the expense.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        In the same vein, I discovered pre-cooked rice that you just need to microwave. A game-changer if I didn’t feel up to making rice in the regular way.

    31. Phlox*

      A magnetic door stopper. $8 at the hardware store and now my front door stays open when I’m walking out with the bike/supplies. Its just enough force to keep it there but also super easy release, and install was a breeze.

    32. Fellow Traveller*

      Prescription sunglasses. I had always resisted sunglasses because I already wore glasses and didn’t want to do those clip on things. But last eye appointment, my optometrist mentioned I had minor sun damage on my retina so I splurged and got prescription sunglasses, and it’s been such a game-changer. Wearing sunglasses in the bright summer sun somehow makes me feel less hot and also I get less sleepy when driving.
      The other thing that comes to mind is getting airpods. I usually resist upgrading my technology, but when I had to get a new iPhone, this was the only option. I often clean the kitchen after the kids are in bed, and now I can do it while watching my favorite tv shows without worrying about waking other people up. It also makes listening to podcasts/audiobooks while exercising, doing chores or nursing the baby so much easier.
      Oh and Bombas socks, proper maternity and nursing clothes (tool me til my third child to finally decide to splurge on this), and a pair of $150 wool sweatpants. It felt so off to be splurging on clothes for lounging around in, so those pants sat in my shopping cart for over a year. But I guess if nothing else this past year has taught me to invest in my own comfort.

    33. The OG Sleepless*

      Ooh, and I just remembered, a hooded long sleeved sun shirt from Title Nine. Their stuff is pricier than I usually spend on clothes, and I went back and forth about it for a couple of weeks. I basically lived in it on our trip to San Diego with all the time we spent in the sun and next to the water. I haven’t tested it out in the Georgia heat, but it feels like it will do fine here too. It will probably be a game changer for sun protection, and it looks great on me.

    34. Veronica Marx*

      I asked for a fancy milk heater/frother for my birthday, sort of accidentally got two, and now I have one at my desk at work and one at home. I love making myself a latte most days and I can better control sugar/type of milk used. It’s awesome and while I feel kind of extra having one at work it makes me ridiculously happy.

    35. Squirrel Nutkin*

      For years, I had waffled on getting a bath pillow, fearing that it’d get mildew-y, etc. I researched and found a mesh-covered one that can be hung up and dries pretty quickly, and my times reading in the tub definitely have gotten an upgrade! A few years ago, I got a bamboo bath tray that can hold a book and a drink, and I love that too!

    36. Rose*

      A car! I just bought my first car in over 15 years. I live in a city where it is definitely a luxury more than a necessity… but I am so looking forward to the freedom I anticipate it will provide in terms of being able to get out of town more easily and more often. Car rentals here are insanely expensive, and even more insanely a pain in the arse, and flying isn’t an option with my big dog.

    37. Brrrrr*

      Socks that I love. Brand name is Karma, they fit me perfectly with no thick seams poking my toes, they are a nice comfortable thin/dress-weight sock that is the right height for me (crew sock height). And they come in the most adorable prints, with cute sayings. I bought one pair on impulse at a gift shop a year ago and now have about 10 pairs. They’re $12 a pair, which is about 4x what I used to spend on socks, but I don’t care! So far they seem to be holding up well, no holes yet, though I’m also being more careful with them – they don’t go in the dryer and I fold them neatly.

  9. Family law*

    Has anyone ever used the legal aid services? I googled “legal aid [my state]” and was taken to a link to request a consultation with a lawyer for $5. There’s a membership, $45/per month for unlimited lawyer consultations. How would this differ from a traditional legal representation? Is it legit?

    BTW this is for family law/child custody issues. I’m broke AF so I can’t afford a one hour consultation with a lawyer which runs around $400+ in my state which is why I’m looking at this and other alternatives.

    1. SG*

      The $5 consultation with monthly membership sounds a bit scammy. It might not be a scam, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Does your employer have an EAP? If so, then they usually provide a free legal consult and may even be able to connect you with a nonprofit Legal Aid Center.
      Alternatively, call 211 and tell them you need resources free or sliding scale legal services. 211 is a Community Services resource line that is available in all states, although some 211’s are more helpful than others.
      You also might try calling a local nonprofit, even a branch of United Way or Catholic Charities, or Jewish Family Services, really any local nonprofit social service organization, and ask them for information. You might have to make several calls, but if you try all these suggestions I bet you will find someone who can point you in the right direction. Good luck!

    2. RagingADHD*

      No, that sounds like a commercial “prepaid legal services” business, which should not be calling itself “legal aid.” That sounds shady.

      For true volunteer help, look up (state) Bar Association. They should have links there that will take you to the real thing.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        We used a lawyer from the legal services benefit my husband had from his job (that he had paid for). You have to choose from a list of their lawyers.

        Here’s what we got when we went to their lawyer for a simple will:

        * She kept me waiting 30 minutes before our first meeting.
        * She wanted us both to come sign the will but didn’t want to send me a draft for review first
        * When she did send the draft, I discovered that not only had she gotten the terms wrong, she had OUR NAMES WRONG. Think “Paul McCartney” instead of “Paul [my husband’s last name].”
        * When I asked her to correct these things, she got really pissy.

    3. AnonforThis*

      I am not a family lawyer and nothing on this is legal advice.

      That doesn’t sound like true legal aid. Legal aid organizations or clinics are generally free for those who meet certain income requirements. You generally fill out an application and the downside is they generally have wait lists.

      I’m really not sure without seeing the website how legit or not it is, but I’d be really careful because $45 for “legal consultations” doesn’t sound like you’d maybe get any actual work done? And that’s not what a private attorney would charge. My field, people get into trouble using cheap filing services which don’t do due diligence on cases. They often have to start their application process all over again.

      If you’re willing to share more info about your location, I can try to steer you to a genuine legal aid society.

      If you live close to any law schools, you might check to see if they have a family law clinic. Again, they have restrictions on who can use their services and some wait time issues.

      There is definitely a bigger societal issue of lack of access to legal services and I’m really sorry you are going through this.

    4. Generic Name*

      I am so sorry you’re dealing with the family court system. Does your company have an EAP? They often offer prepaid legal services for a small monthly fee. I have no idea if they’re any good or what that gets you, but they are actual lawyers they have a deal with.

    5. Hazelnut Bunny*

      As suggested, look up your state’s bar and the legal aid associated with it. Also, if you have a law college nearby, they can provide free or lower cost consultations.

      When I went through this process(on two separate cases), I called every family attorney in a driving radius and asked if they provided free consultations. If they didn’t, I asked what their rates were. At some firms, consultation rates vary by attorney as well. Some may be $400 while another may be $200.

      The first time I went through this process. I could not afford my attorney throughout the duration of they process. I had to go pro se for awhile. I would NEVER recommend that route for anyone. However, if you are out options, it’s really your only choice. My courthouse had 2-3 a week where there would be a couple attorneys that you could walk in and ask questions or have them look at documents and somewhat consult. They would give you a mix of 20 minutes. They were not your attorney but they were helpful for me navigating the legal process without being a lawyer. I would reach out to your local courthouse.

      Also, any reputable attorney can direct you to lower cost services or where to get pro se assistance. Almost every attorney I talked with was super helpful.

      Best of luck!

  10. Anon Queer Christian*

    I have a question I’ve been wondering for ages (decades), and I’m not sure where to get the answer. I thought that this might be a good place to try a discussion about it. I will note (since this touches on some contentious issues) that this is a genuine good-faith question. I’m seeking someone to teach me something that I’ve never understood; if that’s emotional labor you aren’t interested in (Or aren’t up to this weekend), feel free to skip over this and move on to the next comment.

    I am a queer Christian, with a flavor of queer that is often not understood or liked by the queer community, so I’m more familiar with the norms of Christianity than of the LGBTQ+ community. Growing up I was taught that the approach to dealing with people who were making bad life choices (including being queer; insert “lifestyle” comments, whatever lies were going around about queer people at the time) was to “love the sinner, hate the sin”. I will confess that this made a great deal of sense to me at the time, but I’ve since heard many queer people say that they found this hateful, disrespectful, and out of line. Once in college I used this phrase and had a lesbian member of my college community tell me that she felt betrayed by my using this.

    So here’s my question: what is the offensive bit of this phrase, and how else can you phrase the idea? Is the offensive part the idea that being queer is a sin, and the direction of this phrase towards queer people? Is it the mere idea of sin itself as a concept applied to human behavior? The idea of separating someone into good and bad parts of themselves? Something else entirely?

    I can understand that being queer isn’t a sin, and that the current definition of sin in Christianity is off-kilter. But any time we have a relationship (friends, family, spouse, co-workers, whatever) that is long-enough lasting we’ll manage to be hurtful jerks, and if we choose to stay in the relationship we are choosing to accept that person warts and all even though we may not like what they do that is hurtful. That to me really sounds like the idea of loving someone even when you don’t love, say, the way that they snap at you whenever they’re stressed, or interrupt you when they get excited, or whatever. Some of these issues will just be annoyances, but some of them would be things that are wrong. So I don’t understand why the “love the sinner, hate the sin” wouldn’t be an appropriate way to describe this dynamic.

    Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? I hope this makes sense; I’m utterly exhausted & am getting rambly (sorry for the long post!). Let me know what I’m missing here if you have an idea.

    1. Liz in the Midwest*

      I can’t speak for anyone else, but yeah, it’s offensive to say it’s a sin. Do you think it’s a sin that I love my husband? No? Well then of course it would be offensive to think it’s a sin if instead I had a wife I loved. Sins are BAD things, as your examples indicate, even if there are varying levels of intensity. It’s like you’re saying you love someone despite their flaws–why is being queer a flaw? That’s the bad part.

      1. Berlin Berlin*

        I agree. It sounds (maybe I’ve misread this) like when the Op used the phrase in college around their friend they were applying it to something which actually is generally agreed to be a flaw (say, a miserly mutual acquaintance) and was surprised the phrase still upset their friend. I think this reflects the fact that (at least to someone secular) the phrase is mainly associated with queerness – it’s one of those phrases which was arguably originally useful but is now too tainted to be appropriate. Think the r-slur’s original use to mean “deceleration”, which has almost vanished.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          I agree. Upon rereading the LW may not have been applying “love the sinner …” to a queer person but it has been used so much in relation to queer people now, you can’t escape the association.

          LW, “Christians” appear to be a very judge mental and controlling group as a whole, rather than a loving one. “Christians” tend to use this phrase in relation to gays and rarely to murders, poor people, and people of other races. They often seem hateful rather than loving. To someone who has been hurt by Christianity telling they ARE a sin, this can be very triggering.

          Conservative Christians and the Republican Party has changed what Christianity means to a lot of Americans. Lots of people who claim to be very Christian seem to endorse hate instead of love so “love the sinner” rings very false.

          1. Anon Queer Christian*

            I appreciate your kind assumption here. Unfortunately I WAS using it in the context of relating to queerness. I thought at the time that I was being open-minded; my original point (as best as I can remember; this was a long time ago) was that it doesn’t matter if queerness is a sin, the primary point for Christians is that we should love everyone, so someone being queer shouldn’t affect how we treat them. Looking back from my current vantage point, I can see how my comment would have fallen SO flat! At the time I was a) just recently out of the conservative small town where I grew up, so I couldn’t understand the idea of just… not thinking that queerness was wrong (like, it wasn’t even a concept that existed in my mind, not even that it was an idea that I’d thought about and rejected); and b) trying desperately to wrestle with my own queerness which I had managed to hide even from myself (it was not long after this incident that I finally was unable to keep lying to myself and had to acknowledge that I was in fact queer, which involved a number of years stuck in a morass of self-loathing and self-hatred that took too much time to work through… I’m sure this is a familiar story to other queer people reading this).

            Two happy endings here: First, I’ve managed to get to a point of not believing that being queer is a sin, with the relevant changes in how I feel about both myself and the queer friends that I have. I had always tried to be kind and welcoming (welcoming my lesbian friend’s girlfriend to my house, being excited with my trans friend finally getting scheduled for her gender-affirming surgery, etc.), but I’m sure that my queer friends have felt the change as my theology has changed.

            Second, the church that I grew up at (which was liberal for a small town, but still a product of its location) had as its last pastor a gay man who got married while he was their pastor; their denomination was NOT happy, but their attitude was, “He’s OURS, don’t you even THINK about kicking him out of this job because he has a husband!” (He just moved because either he or his husband got a new job in a different state close to their families, but it was a hard choice and he is much missed.) They have also been in the last few weeks (my dad, who is still there, informs me) wrestling with how to become an officially queer-welcoming church, specifically trying to figure out how to do so in a way that’s deeper than “slap a rainbow on the website and call it good”. It’s been exciting watching the change from afar.

        2. Person from the Resume*

          I agree. I wrote a long comment agreeing which the internet ate. Long story, short: that phrase has been used so often in relation to the sun being homosexuality that it is likely to trigger.

          Also it’s obvious BS. Christianity particularly politicians who loudly proclaim their Christianity and Christian leaders supporting them have shown themselves to be very hateful and judgmental.

      2. Elder Millennial*

        Right. No one ever says “hate the sin, love the sinner” about romantic relationships between two cis straight people (or friendships), even when people are sometimes jerks to each other in that context.

        Using that phrase exclusively for same-sex relationships (or trans people transitioning) suggests that there is something inherently sinful about that specific situation.

        1. Deanna Troi*

          Actually, some members of my Catholic family use that term for heterosexual couples who have children out of wedlock (partially why I’m not a practicing Catholic). And for people who are alcohols/addicted to drugs, as well as other things. The use of “love the sinner, hate the sin” only for queer people must be regional.

          Also, I agree with others – the phrase means that we love you even though you are committing a sin, with the sin in this case being queer. It is very offensive, and as a bisexual, if someone said it to me, I would no longer consider them a friend.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I don’t think they meant “only for queer people” in the sense of “never about alcoholics or other things” but rather “not ever about hetero relationships”. Not a regional thing as far as I’m aware but your counterpoint example is a reasonable point.

            1. Deanna Troi*

              Oh, yes, I see your point. When it is applied to heterosexual couples, it is NOT because they are dating, but because they had a child or are living together without being married or are an interracial couple. Whereas, some people will say it for a queer couple just because they are a couple. I didn’t think of it that way when I was responding to Elder Millinneal’s post and I stand corrected.

          2. Batgirl*

            It’s not that it’s only applied to gay people, but it’s applied more often. If you’re really dedicated to avoiding”sin”, it’s more possible for straight people to avoid unmarried living situations and doing drugs than it is to avoid being gay. So, a straight person growing up hearing the usages will just think “I won’t do that” without the self loathing you so often hear described from those who aren’t.

            1. Deanna Troi*

              I agree with you, and after thinking about it more, I realized that I was wrong. See my response above to fhqwhgads.

          3. Formerly Pregnant Teen*

            It was absolutely used in my conservative Baptist church growing up for teens who got pregnant out of wedlock. With much the same, er, “love” that the church might have shown to someone who was lgbtq+.

    2. Salymander*

      I always felt that that phrase failed to account for the fact that being queer is part of a person’s identity, it is not a choice. If someone tells me that my very identity is a sin, that is not going to make me feel at all respected or appreciated as a human being. Plus, saying that being queer is a sin is putting a person’s identity in the same category as sins like murder and theft and other things that are actually bad. Or even just in the same category as lying or saying something cruel or taking people for granted. So, that would mean that just by existing as myself in the world I am in the same boat as a murderer or a bank robber or a person who is unkind to the people in their life. But being queer is just a part of a person’s identity. It isn’t something they are choosing to do that hurts anyone. Being queer is not the same as being a bad person, and treating it like it is is incredibly insulting and dehumanizing. It is also often said in a really condescending way by people that just do not get it. They often understand so little that they don’t even realize that they are ignorant, and yet they feel very comfortable sitting in judgment about the very things they do not understand. It is hurtful and infuriating, and I can understand why someone might feel betrayed if a someone they thought of as a friend were to say that to them.

      Even equating being queer with snapping at people or interrupting them or other things like that, that are rude or unkind, is still not great. That is still a really negative and unkind thing to say to someone. I really hope that you don’t say that to people anymore, and I hope that you don’t think of yourself that way because that doesn’t seem very healthy or kind to yourself. It would be better and more healthy to think of being queer as just a part of yourself. Not as a sin, not as a negative trait. It is just who you are.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        +1 A sin is a choice. Imagine saying this about other identities people can’t control, such as race or disability.

        1. Anon Queer Christian*

          Unfortunately I don’t have to imagine it. There are SO many comments in Christianity about how just being a woman makes you a filthy, sin-ridden worthless wretch, which was SO MUCH FUN to hear over and over again growing up (note that my specific church didn’t believe this but my stepfamily’s church did, and I sometimes attended their church because of family reasons). I also heard a Christian once say blithely that, “All black people are bad.” That exact sentence. (To give her what tiny justice she is due, this was someone from another country that I met while living in that other country, and it’s possible that she had never met anyone of African ethnic origins in her life [I lived in the country’s largest city and during the half decade I lived there I saw maybe 5 Black people total]. This means, however, that her entire exposure to Africans & African Americans was from the Evangelical Christian influence that had planted some of the churches she had attended, which says terrible things about those original denominations.) And the number of people saying that disabled people must not have enough faith or that God must be punishing them for some past sin is…. well, let’s not talk about it right now.

          1. Salymander*

            This sounds like the church my adoptive family goes to, and the one I grew up in. I am an outspoken bi woman, and growing up it was made very clear to me that everything about me was wrong and sinful. I was surrounded by people who viewed me with suspicion no matter how I tried to conform. It has been a long and difficult process to unpack all the wrongheaded and abusive nonsense that was crammed into my head. I felt so much self loathing just for existing as a girl. No amount of compliant, cheerful obedience could make me acceptable. What a relief it was to let all of that go.

    3. Stitch*

      I agree with the above, implying that queer relationships are inherently sinful is offensive. There’s also the word “hate” in there, implying the speaker hates those relationships.

      Given that I’ve generally seen that phrase overwhelmingly used against LGBT relationships (but I should note I grew up in a conservativearea and was a teen around 2004 when all those anti gay marriage campagns were going on) , I’d maybe choose not to use that phrase.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Honestly, I have trouble with the “love” part too. When it’s applied in a context like this, in my experience, it’s about trying to ‘fix’ the person by bringing them into the fold of believing the same set of beliefs and acting in the same way as the person saying the phrase. In this particular context, it would mean getting the person to hate a part of themselves that currently brings them joy and harms no one. (I’ve long been curious if there are any other actions labeled as sins that literally harm no one…)

        1. Irish Teacher*

          There are and those tend to be problematic too – divorce is a big one, to the point that it was only legalised in 1995 in Ireland and then the country was split 50/50 on whether or not it should be legalised; literally! The referendum passed with something like 50.2% voting to legalise and 49.8% voting against. Sex outside marriage. Missing church. Using God’s name to curse with. In Catholicism specifically, using birth control has been considered sinful. Some evangelicals consider things like reading certain fantasy books or watching certain TV shows to be sinful. Again in Catholicism, eating meat on Good Friday or Ash Wednesday is arguably considered sinful; not sure if that is official or more just tradition. That one is pretty harmless, but the others…tend to be problematic.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      In theory the phrase should work for the scenario you describe of loving someone despite flaws/quirks/conflicts… IF it didn’t carry such a strong connotation of intolerance. But best case scenario, it sounds really intense to call someone a sinner for mildly annoying you.

      “Warts and all” is fine for that kind of thing, or “love them for/despite/even with their flaws” or “I love you but please don’t do that” or “yeah I love them but they can be an idiot” or any number of other phrases would be better

      1. Melody Pond*

        IF it didn’t carry such a strong connotation of intolerance

        I was going to say something similar to this. Other comments above have touched on how implying that queerness is a sin, is itself rather offensive. But even aside from that – the “love the sinner” part seems kind of disingenuous to me. The entire phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin” is not typically used in a context where the people hearing it feel tolerated, accepted, or loved. I’ve always seen/heard it used for intolerance and rejection -while trying to claim otherwise, which just grates on me all the more. Like, at least have some intellectual integrity about the fact that you’re being judgmental and intolerant.

        1. Salymander*

          Yes! That is it exactly. The person saying that is saying they are giving love in a very self righteous way and expecting to be lauded for it. Unfortunately what they are really giving is hate, while all the while feeling very happy with themselves for bring so loving. It is a really intolerant, smug and self righteous thing to say, and not at all caring or kind. How are you being loving to someone if you are being condescending and judgemental? That seems a lot more like hate than it does like love. It is like gaslighting, isn’t it? Telling someone that they are loved because you are a righteous and godly person, while actually treating them with contempt. It sounds very abusive and cruel to me.

          1. Reba*

            Always puts me in mind of Mandy Moore’s character in “Saved!” who throws a bible and yells “I am FILLED with Christ’s love!”

            3. Salymander*

              Yes that movie made me laugh so much, and particularly that bit. That is exactly what I was thinking about. So hypocritical and self righteous.

          2. A Feast of Fools*

            Reminds me of all the times a certain kind of Christian has told me that they’ll “pray for me” as soon as they learn that I’m an atheist. It’s usually said with a curled lip and a tone that implies that be happy to see me burn in hell.

            Really, it makes praying for someone sound like putting a curse on them. And there’s literally nothing loving or kind or accepting behind it.

            1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

              That’s exactly what it is. It’s always so tempting to reply, “I’ll boil a cauldron for you” or whatever might freak them out the most.

              1. Despachito*

                Haha, that is good.

                This “praying for you” thing in this context is an awful manner to say “I am the owner of the only truth and know what is best for you better than you do”. A very disrespectful and stupid thing to say.

            2. Salymander*

              Yes. I really dislike that lip curl and sneer I get when people in my family’s church or folks with similar extreme beliefs tell me they will pray for poor, atheistic, sinful me. Or that lofty, stuck up and looking down their nose look. What are they praying for, exactly? It can’t be anything very kind if you go by the facial expression they give when saying it.

              1. pancakes*

                That is gross. I’m not sure I’d be able to resist asking them that. If I met people who treated me like that I would be planning on not seeing them again.

                1. Salymander*

                  Yeah that is why I went no contact long ago. It just isn’t healthy to put up with that. And yes, it is super gross.

      2. Anon Queer Christian*

        This is perfect. Those phrase suggestions all get more at the heart of what I originally understood this phrase to mean, and what I might actually want to say to someone in the future.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know why it’s problematic for other people. For me, though, I have trouble actually distinguishing who someone is from what they habitually do. I mean, everyone has a one-off moment where they, say, snap at a loved one. But someone who regularly yells at their loved ones isn’t just a good person who yells sometimes. They’re a yeller. That’s a part of who they are.

      So the thing about love the sinner, hate the sin doesn’t resonate for me, personally. Think of any really horrible thing that people can do to each other. Maybe God still loves them, I don’t know, but I don’t. I don’t love the violent person but hate the violence, or love the racist but hate the racism.

      In your examples, those aren’t *sins,* in my opinion. They’re foibles. Interrupting your spouse is annoying, it’s not sinful. So can love your spouse and dislike being interrupted. But if your spouse is regularly, as a part of their personality, sinning against you in a meaningful way… I don’t know. Maybe you should re-evaluate your love for them.

    6. Princess Deviant*

      It’s offensive because you’re judging someone based on your own belief system and assuming you’re right and they’re wrong.
      Nobody – absolutely nobody – likes being judged. Plus the idea that being queer is a separate part of the person, like it’s something they do that separates them from god (sin), isn’t right, so therefore their whole being must be sinful by that definition, well yeah that’s hurtful and offensive.

    7. Despachito*

      I am not a Christian, but I agree with what has been said – the offending part for me would be assuming that being queer is a sin. Plus the words “sin” and “hate” imply a kind of superiority, as if the person speaking was a parent/priest figure whose job is to correct the “sinner” somehow.

      I understand the general meaning of the phrase as “you can have reservations against a behaviour, not against a person”, and it sounds logical in the context of Jesus condemning the behaviour but not the person committing it. I think this is the reason why it is recommended rather to say “what you are saying is bad” than “YOU are a bad person”. I think there are many contexts where it does work (if your child, for example, does something wrong, you punish the behaviour but it does not affect your love of your child), but my take is that it works only for something mutually (at least potentially) recognized as “bad behaviour”. And being queer is NOT bad behaviour.

      It feels like saying “I forgive you that you have blue eyes”. I would find it equally offensive because the point is that THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        I am Christian and that is absolutely my understanding too. You’ve said what I was trying to a lot more succinctly and effectively.

        I think the phrase makes sense for things like bullying. Most of us hate bullying, we know what harm it does, but as a teacher, I also know that a lot of kids who bully aren’t really bad people or at least, will grow up to be good people. They are either just carried along with the behaviour of their peers or they have their own issues that they are taking out on others, which isn’t acceptable, but…I wouldn’t put a person in the “bad person” box because they teased a classmate when they were 12. I hate and will sanction or report their behaviour, but when they return after being suspended, I will treat them exactly as I did beforehand and will try to support them to improve their behaviour.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          Sorry, meant to add, it makes sense for things like bullying which harm others. It does not make sense for something like being gay or transgender which is not a choice and not harmful to anybody.

        2. Despachito*

          The bullying is a great example, and the exact illustration of what the saying should mean. I’ve seen it in the best teachers – they were able to condemn the behaviour (i. e. “what you did (bullying) is intolerable, and it must stop immediately” ) and at the same time willing to go beyond an help the pupil, as they knew, exactly as you said, that although they behaved awfully they are not a bad person and could use some help.

          I wish you were my teacher :-)

    8. Hate to see it*

      “I love you but you shouldn’t ever be allowed to have sex because you’re a filthy sinful queer” is NOT love.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Same for “I love you but you definitely shouldn’t have as many rights or opportunities for safety, security, or happiness as I have” and “I love you but I also want to pretend you don’t exist.”

    9. Madame Arcati*

      If I correctly summarise this as “what is wrong with the phrase, love the sinner hate the sin”, then I think you’ve answered your own question about halfway down;

      “I understand that being queer is not a sin”.

      So the phrase doesn’t apply – there is no sin to hate, and by extension no sinner (at least not for being queer, nobody claims to be without sin).

      People don’t like the phrase because saying hate the sin, states pretty categorically that you think what they are doing is sinful. And if you don’t think it is, then you are contradicting yourself!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Jesus said, “Above all else, love each other.” So simple, yet for some so very hard. And with the growing animosity out there, it’s hard to find positive role models to see what this looks like IRL.

      Jesus did not say, “Do my job for me. Sort everyone else out, okay?”

      Just my theory but until we (collective “we”) accept the fact that there are massive amounts of things we don’t know, the problems will continue.

    11. Irish Teacher*

      I am not LGBTQ+ (unless being aromantic asexual counts and it doesn’t when talking about religious discimination), but I think the problem with “love the sinner, hate the sin” when applied to the LGBTQ+ community is two-fold, firstly in considering it a sin at all. There is absolutely nothing in Jesus’s teachings to suggest that it is. And secondly, that when people say that in relation to LGBTQ+ issues, they are often using it defensively and not in a “loving” way at all. It’s often an “I’m doing this for your own good, so I’m going to vote against you having he right to marry the person you love, going to pressurise you to date people of the opposite sex, going to refuse to accept your partner, etc.” It’s more akin to the way people justify criticising overweight people with “but being fat is UNHEALTHY. I’m only criticising them for their own good” than it is to getting irritated when somebody snaps at you, but continuing to love them anyway.

      I agree with everybody else who said that it is offensive to say that being gay is sinful and that sin is a choice. This is coming from a Catholic point of view, but even the church (despite its massively problematic attitude to gay people) says that sin requires “full knowledge (that it is sinful) and full consent.” And even if being LGBTQ+ WERE a choice, I still wouldn’t consider it sinful.

      But I would add that even apart from that, I do think those who use that phrase about same-sex relationships and other LGBTQ+ issues are not using it to mean “I avoid that behaviour myself but do not judge others, instead focussing on the ‘log in my own eye'”. It often seems to be used as a “get out of jail free” card for doing things that actually harm the person they are claiming to love.

      If they were sticking to “I don’t have same sex relationships myself because I believe them sinful and I don’t watch TV shows or read books that portray those relationships, but I support other people having the right to make their own choices, so I believe same sex marriage should be allowed, though I may think Christians should refrain” etc, then I would disagree with them but I would at least feel they were doing what they were claiming to and if they really kept it to themselves and didn’t show any disapproval of such relationships, I’d respect their beliefs.

      My dad was a pretty traditional Catholic and while he never said, I suspect he probably did believe in the church’s teaching on marriage and relationships, but when my sister and her boyfriend moved in together and had a child without marrying, he never said a word to imply he disapproved. And he once asked if a particular politician that he supported was married or “had a lady friend he lived with”. When my brother replied, “no, he has a gentleman friend he lives with,” my father just replied, “oh, I didn’t know that,” and carried on supporting the guy politicially. While I do not know for sure, as he never pushed his views, I suspect my dad himself would not live with somebody or have sex with them outside marriage and I could imagine him, if he had been gay, deciding to remain single rather than go against the teachings of the church, but he not only never preached at anybody; he genuinely didn’t think any less of anybody for having different views. His usual response in such situations was “well, I don’t agree with that, but everybody’s different,” meaning that they may have different views or morals and his didn’t trump theirs. But that does not seem to be the way people usually use “love the sinner, hate the sin” when talking about sex and relationships.

      1. Despachito*

        Your father was an exemplary Christian and a good person.

        I have Christian relatives I love dearly, and they are similar. When their beloved ones lived together without marriage, they never insinuated that it was wrong, and I appreciate and admire this extremely, and I think it teaches me a lot.

    12. S*

      I think part of what might be tripping you up there is grace. In that it sounds like you’re talking about sin and grace. In general terms (everyone is a sinner, everyone requires grace, everyone receives grace) that’s not offensive. But. The phrase is unequally applied to queer people and has been used to justify abuse in the name of love. Its coded language that you are using at its face value, but your friends no longer hear any of the face value of the phrase because it’s been used so often in the coded way that it’s been co-opted.

      It’s also a get out of jail free card for people who don’t want to do the work that relationships (and faith, frankly) requires: with that phrase people abdicate responsibility for the impact their beliefs have on how they treat people and the need to constantly evaluate whether you are in fact doing the loving thing, acting out of love, etc. You can also wonder why it’s your job to hate the sin in the first place—it’s God’s to judge, not ours. Think the parable of the woman caught in adultery. (Casual misogyny aside, sigh) It’s enough to love people, seek to uphold the dignity of every living being, see all of creation as beloved by God and to work for mutual flourishing. Queer people do not flourish in the closet—the fruits of Christian bigotry are toxic but that kind of rhetoric pretends there’s no moral responsibility there. If sin is the breaking of relationships (on a horizontal or vertical level) then that rhetoric, ironically, is sinful.

      TLDR: it’s a very loaded phrase and there is better theological language for what you actually mean, that doesn’t carry those connotations.

    13. peasblossom*

      In addition to what other’s have noted, I’ll add that this line is so pat that it becomes an abstraction without any sort of thought to the practices it requires. What I mean is, when people say that, have they considered what that love–or that hate–look like? In what ways do they treat or support people who are queer? When you hate the action someone is engaged in–and hate is an extremely loaded theological term, very different from annoyance–how does that impact the way you treat them? the way you socially and politically support them?

      In my experience, whether people recognize it in themselves or not, we are just not set up to compartmentalize in this way–to love someone and hate something they do–without that hate shaping that love. And the consequences of that can be really damaging.

    14. Amtelope*

      The phrase has been used so often to mean “I think it’s sinful that you’re gay, and I hate that you are,” that it’s hard for it to be useful in other contexts now. The assumption if you use it will be that you’re homophobic. I would find other words to express this idea.

    15. ecnaseener*

      The other part of this is that you’re talking about being annoyed by someone’s foibles, which is not the same thing as hate. Hate is really strong! I don’t “hate the sin” of someone interrupting me when they’re excited. They shouldn’t do that, sure, but it’s not a sin and I don’t feel anything nearly as strong as hate. So even ignoring the part where queerness is being called a sin, it’s uhh really intense to say to someone “I truly hate part of you, but don’t worry I love you :)”

    16. mreasy*

      Love the sinner, hate the sin works as a recognition that we are all humans (God’s children if you like) deserving of love, but that we are flawed and make mistakes. The problem with applying this to LGBTQIA+ folks is just what you said: it’s saying that being queer is itself a sin – and sins are by definition something to strive to avoid. The expression itself isn’t offensive, it’s this usage.

      1. Aealias*

        I would argue that the expression itself has [i]become[\i] offensive because of its long association with this usage.

        Also, it’s glib. Any situation where you really need to explain to yourself or another how you can still love someone despite a truly awful thing they’ve done cannot really be summed up in 6 words anyway.

        This is a response that shuts down conversation. Which, if you want to shut down conversation I feel like it’s kinder to say, “that’s personal,” or, “I’d rather not discuss this.” Cause, “love the sinner, hate the sin,” is also kind of virtue-signalling? “Oh, are you struggling with this? I just applied the magical balm of my effortless spirituality, and the cognitive dissonance just… went away!”

        Oof, that was snarky of me. Sorry. At any rate, there’s a lot of emotional baggage tied up around that phrase, maybe skip it and explain your thinking with more nuance instead.

    17. Person from the Resume*

      Being a “hurtful jerk” is not always a sin and not an inherent identity characteristic. You can ask a friend being a hurtful jerk to stop, you can’t a person to stop being queer.

      Calling it a sin means that you are basically implying you want the sinner (1) to apologize for their sin, (2) ask forgiveness for their sin, and (3) promise not to do it again.

      For me “love the sinner, hate the sin” very much carries with it an implication that you (the speaker) wants the sinner to stop sinning so you’re asking the queer person to stop being queer in order to stop sinning. You want them to be celibate or to “overcome their sin” and have a heterosexual marriage/lifestyle in order to fit in with the community saying it.

      In your example, I’m sure the person being a hurtful jerk isn’t one all the time. If they were, you’d actually stop being their friend. And you want them to stop their hurtful behavior towards you or you’d stop being their friend. Therefore your analogy is NOT the same as a queer person who you may be accepting of but your religion in not.

    18. Swisa*

      I was also raised evangelical.
      The reason people don’t like this phrase is because it’s disingenuous. In my experience, the “hate the sin” means that the Christians don’t accept the person.
      And for things like sexuality, you’re hating something someone can’t change.
      Think about how this would sound if applied to gender. “I hate that you’re a woman, but I love you”. Or race.
      I think it’s a way for evangelicals to feel less bad about their internal feelings of prejudice.
      But when people doing the sin hear it, they see through the smokescreen.
      It took me awhile to realize how awful this is.
      Now, in adulthood, I won’t attend a church that doesn’t approve of LGBTQ people getting married. It’s just not right.

    19. Anonymous Educator*

      I grew up in a right-wing Evangelical church and heard that phrase a lot, too. I think there are two major things wrong with the “hate the sin; love the sinner” phrase as conservative Christians use it with regard to queer folks:

      1. I mean, obviously, it’s extremely damaging to tell someone that their very identity is a sin. In right-wing Christian ideology, being non-hetero is a behavioral issue, but people don’t choose to be non-hetero, for the most part, so you’re saying “The behavior tied to who you are is wrong, but who you are isn’t wrong” rings hollow. It’d be like saying it’s okay to be hungry but not to eat food. Queer folks want consensual relationships with adults. There should be nothing wrong with that.

      2. I just didn’t see it to be true in practice. I saw real love for other “sins”: envy, hetero adultery, lying, etc., but I just didn’t see actual love for queer folks. The “love” turns out to be “hate who you are and ‘pray the gay away.'”

      Fortunately, there are some gay-affirming Christian churches, and I’d highly recommend any queer folks who still find their Christian faith important to them to find and go to those churches instead of the mainline ones.

      1. PostalMixup*

        I just want to point out that most of the Mainline Protestant churches – PCUSA, ELCA, episcopal, UCC, and even UMC now that the denomination has split/is splitting, have no issue with LGBTQ people. They perform same-sex marriages and ordain openly gay clergy without requiring they be celibate. Of course there are individual churches that are less welcoming, but on the denomination level, those are probably your best bet.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yes, good point. I believe the Presbyterian church had a big split over this as well, with PCUSA being gay affirming… and whatever the other thing is not being gay affirming.

    20. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Let’s shift it to less emotional territory, that can be helpful. There’s nothing inherently wrong with drinking, right? Yes, some people really shouldn’t drink, some people can’t drink, etc, but outside of those situations there’s nothing terrible about an emotionally stable adult having a glass of wine. And yet there are people who are convinced that it’s the worst thing ever. But they’re going to love the sinner and hate the sin.

      Except that it’s not a sin. Instead of taking the approach of “I like you, and I’m gonna pass on the drinking”, you take the approach of “I like you despite the fact that you’re having a glass of wine”. It becomes inherently negative and judgmental.

      When you use the phrase in connection with anything else however, you’re also assigning a negative connotation. You are judging them for something, which may or may not actually be a problem. Add in the fact that the phrase ISN’T used in contexts where someone actually is doing something wrong. Ever hear anyone say love the sinner hate the sin in connection with a wife beater? I certainly haven’t. I only hear it used in relation to topics that simply aren’t an issue or have nothing to do with the speaker.

      Basically, this is one of the phrases that should just disappear. Don’t use it.

    21. RagingADHD*

      I believe part of the offense is that the culturally dominant strains of Christianity have failed to teach the doctrine of original sin correctly. As the comment thread here shows, the common understanding of what Christians mean by “sin” is doing wrong things, or making wrong choices. I think that is the most common view inside churches as well. It results in conditional love, which is incredibly toxic.

      The teaching of traditional Reformation theology is that sin is not a choice, it is our natural state, all of us, all the time. And therefore none of us have standing to condemn anyone else. It is only by supernatural intervention that we are able to connect with God and start to understand and manifest a new life/identity. That change has two parts – conversion and sanctification.

      Conversion (the desire to embrace Christ) can happen in a moment or a short time. There is a clear before-and-after. Sanctification is a gradual process that takes the rest of your life and will never be completed on this earth.

      Both are supernatural. Neither can be accomplished by our own efforts, though we find joy and spiritual growth by willingly participating. The process by which the Spirit of God shows us areas in our lives that need to change, and empowers is to live out that change, is intimate, individual, and miraculous. Again, sanctification *manifests* in choices and actions, but it is not something we can simply choose for ourselves. It is a work of God in us.

      The sin that Christians are called to confront is our own, not other people’s. We are neither wise enough nor good enough, much less able to impart sanctification.

      God will lovingly and graciously sort everyone else out in the way he deems best for them. “Take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the mote out of your brother’s.”

      Examination and correction point inward. Unconditional love flows outward.

      1. Salymander*

        This is a really good point. Original sin in the doctrines sense isn’t something you do. It is a part of every one of us and is inescapable because we are members of the human race. We all carry original sin. And so, when Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” he was basically saying that no one is without sin and so no one is allowed to bully or discriminate against someone just because we think we are better than the other person. No one is allowed to cast the stone. For some reason this has been twisted into a purity contest where people try to one up each other by being really self righteous while casting a whole lot of stones.

        It was such a relief when I realized as a child that I was an atheist. I could push away all my family’s abusive beliefs and try to figure out right and wrong for myself without all the shame and hatred. It made more sense to me.

    22. QueerChristianAnon*

      “Love the sinner hate the sin” feels uncomfortable for a lot of people because it’s not treated like acceptance. It’s used to assuage someone’s own guilt about having a “sinful” person in their life. It often feels like “I love you BUT,” especially when it is referring to some type of sexuality or gender identity that’s part of who you are.
      An analogy from my life: I’m a version of queer that isn’t particularly noticeable to others. And I know I can’t tell my family because they wouldn’t like it. It’s pretty exhausting to hear them going on about “the gay agenda” and saying things like “If one of my kids was gay (or trans, or whatever else was in the news) of COURSE I would still love them but it would be hard to accept!” The love is held as separate from liking the person.
      The closest thing I’ve experienced is having several mental illnesses that certain family members think are made up. I know those people would still love me if they know but they would still judge me and try to convince me to “stop being lazy.”
      So to me, there’s two issues with that phrase: One, that being queer or whatever is treated as a sin, and two, that “love” in that phrase doesn’t mean acceptance.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        It kind of ends up sounding like “I love my mental image of who you should be, but I hate who you actually are”

    23. Just another queer reader*

      Queer Grace Encyclopedia has an article on exactly this topic. It’s a bit more theology-heavy, if thats your vibe.

    24. Anon Queer Christian*

      I will try to reply to individual comments as I can, and keep reading today as I’m able to check in (gotta head out & run errands in a few minutes). But thank you everyone so much for your answers and the thoughtful responses you’ve given me. This is exactly what I was hoping for out of this conversation. I’ve tried to strike this phrase out of my vocabulary anyway out of the vague idea that it was not well-received, but this has given me much more of an understanding of why, and also some good ideas for what to use instead.

    25. Girasol*

      It feels wrong to consider any type of sexual orientation as sin; it’s the way we’re made and who are we to scorn how we’re made? But your question makes me rethink “love the sinner hate the sin,” a saying that I had always liked. I realize that I have always read it as “love the sinner hate *his* sin,” which is inappropriately judgy. If I see someone act in a way that I don’t think I should, then I can benefit from the example and choose not to do that. But if I “love the sinner,” I’ve passed judgement on him – he’s a sinner! – when it’s not my place to judge. Thanks for prompting me to think that through, Anon.

    26. Been There*

      To me it feels offensive because you’re equating being queer, an essential part of who someone is, to chosen behaviour that happens to be sinful according to Christianity. Being queer isn’t something you can choose not to be, thus you cannot choose not to sin in that way.

    27. MEH Squared*

      You’ve gotten so many really good replies, and I’d like to add my two cents. I was raised fundie Evangelical in a racial minority church (from a country that is mainly Buddhist. Ain’t no zealot like a converted zealot). Premarital sex was something that would cast you into Hell, so you can imagine that had my childhood church known about queerness what they would have had to say about it.

      Here’s the thing. We queers know that many people hate us and wish we didn’t exist. That we’re considered a perversion, unnatural, a sin unto God, etc. It’s not as if people are shy about sharing their feelings on this matter so believe me that adding a thin layer of plausible deniability (oh, we don’t hate YOU, just this crucial part of you) doesn’t make it better. In fact, it makes it worse to me because then the person saying it can pat themselves on the back for being so tolerant while continuing to do things such as deny equal rights for queer people.

      I remember when the debate over SSM was heating up and this saying got trotted out a lot along with, “I don’t hate you; I just hate what you do.” It was used as an excuse for discrimination and then people got offended when you pointed out that they were trying to deny you your civil rights and your humanity. That’s the only time I heard it, by the way, when someone was trying to take away my rights.

      Because, otherwise, why say it? What does it add to any conversation? Does it change how you actually act towards the person or what you’re going to do? If you (again, general you) truly love the person you’re referring to, then you don’t have to state that you hate something about them. It’s for the speaker’s sake and not the one hearing it. Believe me, the so-called love is overshadowed by the hate.

      Also, the foibles you mentioned are just that–foibles. I would not be friends with someone who is a serial murderer, which is the better analogy given that many Christians think homosexuality is a big sin (by the way they react to the mere mention of it). I would love a racist and hate the racism, either. I would stop being friends with them. So, if someone thinks homosexuality is a big sin, then I doubt they can truly be friends with that person.

        1. Despachito*

          Actually, why not?

          I have a friend who has some xenophobic views, and yet he is overall a good person, and most of his other values are OK.

          I am not able to talk with him about xenophobia, because I will not change his views and he will not change mine. I absolutely do not like this trait of his, but I still like him as a person, and I think it is absolutely doable.

          I see this as another possibility to understand the “love the sinner, hate the sin” saying. Here a person who has many other good characteristics for which he is my dear friend, has this one stance which is , in my opinion, stupid and short-sighted, but I am absolutely not willing to drop him as a friend for this, although I openly state I disagree with him every time this topic comes up.

          (However, I feel this as very different from what LW started in the initial post. My friend’s views can be changed, are short-sighted and have at least a potential to harm someone. Being queer, on the other hand, cannot be changed and does not harm absolutely anyone.

          1. MEH Squared*

            Well, personally, it’s because I’m a person of color and have been discriminated against because of it. It’s not something that can be changed, either, so someone espousing racist/xenophobic viewpoints is attacking the core of the person. I’m as Asian as I am queer. And being someone from another country or a different race does not harm anyone, either. Racism/xenophobia is as harmful as queerphobia so I absolutely would not be friends with someone who thinks racism/xenophobia is A-OK.

            1. Despachito*

              I see, and I understand why.

              It is a very sensitive issue, and I am aware that I would be probably much less tolerant if he was a misogynist (and therefore against me).

              As I said, I like him a lot, and he has shown many times over the years that he is a loyal friend, but whenever he starts with this BS, we cut it off pretty quickly and always say we disagree with him, IDK whether we have some influence on him or he is just getting wiser with age, but him 20 years earlier and him now is a pretty big difference for the better.

              I however fully understand that you would not want to be friends with him altogether. For me, in this particular case and with this particular friend, his many good properties prevail and I like him as a person, but I think I can say I hate his xenophobic BS.

          2. pancakes*

            “and yet he is overall a good person”
            – Respectfully, I don’t think you’re in a position to say whether he is or isn’t if you personally are on the right side(s) of the lines he draws with his ideas and values, because you won’t have experienced the way he behaves when he is alone with someone on the wrong side(s).

            I also think the nature of xenophobia, like racism and other -isms and -obias, makes it difficult if not impossible to disentangle the undercurrents of those views in the person’s other views. Their views on history, current events, media, the practice of healthcare, the provision of education, and the sources of problems in day to day life and at the national and multinational level, for a start, will likely all have passed through the lens of their xenophobia. As someone said earlier, people aren’t nearly as good at compartmentalizing as they think they are.

            1. Despachito*

              Fair point. Perhaps if I were on the wrong side of the line, I’d see it differently. And you are right about the lens.

              But I think xenophobia, racism and other in similar vein often come from ignorance, and that it is possible to evolve and grow out of them. Not always, of course. But some people are teachable and able to learn (were it not for that why would anyone organize awareness campaigns?), and in his case, I have a significant amount of hope.

              If I turn back to Christianity, even some saints started as active Christian-haters (St. Paul, for one), yet they were able to make a U-turn and become Christians and even martyrs.

              I repeat again that I see this as an example of “love the sinner” (i. e. the friend) but “hate the sin” (in this case his xenophobia), and that I’d consider appropriate to use this phrase for this situation, because xenophobia IS a sin (or, for us atheists, a bad thing you can influence).

              However, in the OP’s case, to use it would be awfully wrong, because being yourself is neither bad nor something you can change.

          3. fhqwhgads*

            You do you with your friends, but my internal defintion of what constitutes an “overall good person” by definition makes this not possible: “a friend who has some xenophobic views, and yet he is overall a good person”.

    28. Fikly*

      It’s because your sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender is not a choice, it’s something that is inherent to you (which is an idea that many flavors of Christianity reject, I’m going to guess yours did). It’s not a personality trait, or something else that a person has control over or can alter or change.

      So the phrase love the sinner, hate the sin, is offensive because by hating the sin, you are hating the person themselves. Which they would deny, because they claim it is a choice, but they are, of course, 100% wrong on that. It’s no more a choice than anything else you are born with, like the color of your skin.

      At this point, the phrase is so loaded with hateful context that even if you were to use it to refer to a different kind of sin (I don’t know, greed or something) you cannot use it without attaching the context, like pretty much any hate language.

      I will, however, point out that in your example that you are equating abusive behavior with sexuality, and if that’s equivalent in your head and you are identifying as queer, that’s some self hatred you need to consider.

  11. Liz in the Midwest*

    !bout 2 months ago I asked for advice on here regarding choosing between literary agents who’d offered me representation. I’d had an agent in the past and she was very flaky, canceling more meetings than she kept, unreliable in half a dozen different ways, and it left me very nervous about choosing the right person.

    I’d been torn between Agent A (newer and at a less successful agency, but nice and EXTREMELY organized) and Agent B (less organized, but very very passionate about my work, at a great agency, with years in the business). Thanks, in part, to the discussion on here, I made the leap and chose Agent B.

    In these past two months, as she gave me notes, I made edits, and we got ready for her to submit my manuscript to editors at publishing houses, it has become clear that my fears about Agent B were truly just leftover baggage from my previous agent (who I left a year ago). This has been a wonderful process. Beyond her being reliable and plenty organized, I feel actually comfortable working with her, talking frankly to her about my work, etc.

    This past week we went on sub (she sent it out to publishing houses) and she’s been forwarding me the initial positive comments regarding the pitch for my novel. It’s all very exciting!

    Thanks to all of you who chatted with me about this and helped me realize that for something like a lit agent, experience, connections, and passion are incredibly valuable, and that I didn’t need to make decisions based on fear of my old agent.

    1. StudentA*

      Good luck! By any chance, are these those vanity publishing houses I’ve heard about, or traditional agencies?

      1. Liz in the Midwest*

        Oh, traditional houses, Big Five like Random House, Simon & Schuster, Penguin, etc.

        (No agent would submit to a vanity press. Besides, like, ethics, the agent makes money when you get a publishing deal. Vanity presses CHARGE money.)

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        First reaction: “Oh, wonderful!”
        Second reaction: “Everything that Jennifer said!”
        Also, I hope you are feeling really, really happy. And many good thoughts for more good outcomes.

  12. Recovery*

    CW: Eating disorders

    I’m not asking for medical advice, just whether anyone else who has recovered/is recovering from an eating disorder has experienced anything similar.

    More than five years ago, I became anorexic. After medical intervention I recovered physically, but I’ve always been a fairly compulsive exerciser since then and not getting enough exercise is always a huge stressor for me. I’ve never really minded because exercise does benefit my mental well-being. I’ve also been super controlled in my diet (I’m autistic and a very monotonous diet suits me anyway) – I haven’t had, say, chocolate for the best part of a decade – which, while clearly not ideal, lets me function fine.

    But I’ve just got out of an awful situation in the place we don’t talk about on weekends where I was living in another country (so a bit isolated) and had a horrendous supervisor. I’ve been back home for a month and have another month until I start my next position and… I just don’t care any more. Spending more than, say, ninety minutes without moving around would have made me uncomfortable or even distressed before but I’ve spent entire days without leaving my room. I’ve not been eating at all well and I’ve stopped going to the gym (I still take some other forms of light exercise).

    This might sound like a positive change in some ways, but it’s actually making me miserable. Not exercising and eating poorly are terrible for my mental state, and makes me less productive in other ways, but I (fairly suddenly) don’t care any more. The emotional ”carrot” of good behaviour and “stick” of bad behaviour are gone and I feel basically apathetic about exercise and good eating.

    So, sorry for the lengthy background, but my question: Has anyone else experienced this sort of apathy and feeling of uninterest as part of their recovery from an eating disorder? Did it pass in time to lead to a healthier more balanced relationship with food and exercise?

    1. RagingADHD*

      For me, the urgency/ anxiety around following my rigid rules did not go away suddenly and become apathy. It faded gradually and became a small voice I could ignore instead of a loud voice that dominated my life. Eventually the ways I had been “keeping score” didn’t matter any more, but I wasn’t altogether apathetic about how my food & exercise made my body feel.

      Having a sudden, major change in your appetite/ eating habits and going for days without leaving your room do not sound like recovery. They sound like symptoms of depression, especially on the heels of such intense stress and isolation. Particularly when you say you are eating so poorly that you are already feeling negative health effects.

      Based on my experience, I would expect a recovery path to be more like feeling more and more free to eat in a balanced way and not getting upset if you have a treat or everything isn’t perfect.

      Do you have a support team IRL you can check in with? I think you could use a checkup.

      1. Mid*

        I was going to say the same thing. I stop eating when I’m depressed. I think it’s time for a check in with your doctor/therapist.

      2. Recovery*

        Thank you, I found this very helpful. I think the fact that my previous bad episodes have been so different may have left me unable to see the wood for the trees. A checkup is definitely a good idea!

    2. PollyQ*

      I’ve never been anorexic, but I have a great deal of experience with depression, and these behaviors/feelings can be symptomatic of it. Do you have a PCP? Can you make an appointment with them and talk to them about how you’ve been feeling? Alternatively, if you have a therapist you’ve been seeing for the eating issues, this is something you could definitely bring up with them. Even if there’s someone you’re not seeing anymore, you could reach out and ask for advice. There are a variety of interventions that may be very helpful to you. Good luck!

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Fortunately the first thing to do is an easy thing- blood tests! See a doc and get your blood checked first as a quick way to find out if a physical thing is having an impact eg low iron, glitchy thyroid, low grade infection (eg dental) etc. Prolonged stress depletes a lot of the body’s resources. If there are issues there, you can sort them out straightforwardly.
      Second thing- a professional person to talk to about your experiences at the bad place, & to debrief with. And to support you in settling in to your new location and job, in the least stressful way. Your horrendous supervisor, and your isolation in another country – those things existed outside of, and are separate from, your past eating disorder. They had a bad impact on you but they were external – I am sorry you experienced these things, but they are something that happened to you, not a thing that you did in any way.
      Best wishes to you for happier and interesting days ahead!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        To the first paragraph above adding low vitamin B levels will really do a number. Then there’s vitamin D which I can’t tell if it is worse than low B, because it’s got it’s own “special” thing that happens.

        Dental infections will go systemic. This is why some people are on antibiotic when the go to the dentist. Indeed. a friend lost a family member this way. The family member went to the dentist and had work done. And they died the next day.

        Mold infections can cause some weird behaviors and personality changes- that is how huge mold is.

        I hope this reads as me saying, “Yes, I agree. This could be a serious problem if left unchecked.”

    4. Madame Arcati*

      I have little experience with anorexia or other eating disorders and certainly none personal, BUT feeling apathetic about things that interested you before, and not taking as much care of yourself in terms of diet and exercise are textbook symptoms of depression. Even fairly mild; I’m not trying to alarm you or diagnose you of course. But being less interested in/not enjoying as much things that you enjoyed before is literally on a list of standard questions used in assessing whether someone might be depressed – I’ve been asked it dozens of times (I have assessments for work as my job has elements that some viewers may find disturbing so they keep an eye on us).
      So, are you having any therapy right now? If not it might be a good idea to seek something out or at least talk to a nice sympathetic doctor.

    5. Anonaut*

      You mention a month living in another country in a stressful situation and you said you’re autistic. Have you already ruled out this being more autistic burnout than related to the eating disorder recovery?

    6. Tib*

      Feelings of apathy around things you used to enjoy or do willingly are a classic sign of depression. Apathy around self care (eating and exercise) are also big signs. Please ask for help.

      Most providers have email or have a patient management app. That means you could stop what you’re doing right now, no matter what day or time it is, and start the process.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Here’s the thing: disordered eating and exercise are not things you enjoy or do willingly. They are compulsions that make you miserable. So I can certainly understand why it would feel good by comparison to have that intense fixation go away for a while. Indeed, a “loss of interest” is a component of recovery.

        It’s the whole picture of intense prolonged stress, followed by crashing and holing up for days at a time, that is concerning.

        Could be it’s just a natural cycle of rest and recovery that will lead to a more healthy path. But a month is a long time to crash. The fact that LW is starting to wonder whether this is okay means that it’s time to investigate.

    7. pancakes*

      I don’t have experience with quite this same thing, but do have experience with being apathetic about looking after myself due to depression. What helped with that was medication (lexapro).

      As a matter of practical steps, what would it take to get you to start eating better? If you can sort that out I think you will be feeling better, and in a better place to tackle the rest. Can you get food delivered on a schedule you don’t have to think about? Or stock up on reasonably nutritious things that don’t require much effort?

  13. Gatomon*

    Is it worth it to hire a lawyer to probate a small estate?

    My mom passed suddenly this week, there’s no will, and her assets are minimal: an older car, wedding ring, some silver she inherited, plus whatever is in her bank accounts, possibly a very tiny sum in any retirement accounts, plus some small life insurance (I expect it to be <$50,000, no windfall here). She had some debt, including a large amount of recent medical bills (cancer and multiple hospital stays for complications) that are probably still rolling in. While she was organized and wrote down all the passwords to her accounts (grrr), there's still just a ton of work that I foresee in dealing with probate court even "informally," shutting down accounts, clearing her apartment, etc.

    I'm wondering if I can kind of just… give all this info to a lawyer and have them deal with it? I'm the only child, my dad died years ago, and I don't even have an SO to rely on with this. Extended family and the friends I trust to help are all distant. Funds aren't an issue as long as this isn't like a $10,000 deal, I'm fine with paying out of my savings… but I've never hired a lawyer….

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I was my mum’s executor and happily handed it over to a probate lawyer – I went into a local legal practice and asked if they had someone who did mostly probate, met a nice lawyer and explained the nature of the estate (mother in nursing home, 5 beneficiaries etc) in a half hour free chat. The lawyer described the process (banks needing a copy of the death certificate etc, social security needing formal notification, final tax return if required, applying for any insurance payouts, refunds on services paid in advance but no longer required eg health insurance, driver’s licence, getting bank statements etc etc) and gave me a written estimate of the cost. As a lawyer obviously she had all the standard letters and knew what various organisations required etc. I showed her the will. It was all clearly explained to me and I asked her to go ahead. I provided her with information re where the bank accounts were, and so on. I remember at one stage she went through a list of things I might not have thought to do eg cancelling subscriptions to magazines. She applied for probate, did all the paperwork, collected all the funds, paid all the bills, typed up a nice statement, cheques for the beneficiaries, the works.
      At the time (3 years ago) the cost was just under $5000, I realise that is not relevant specifically to you, but it matched the estimate. The whole process took just over three months, and was delayed a little by the probate office moving from one govt building to another! The lawyer’s fees came out before the money was distributed to the beneficiaries, at the end.
      I consider it to have been worth every penny. It would have been a lot of research and messing about and time and palaver and stress for me to do, despite the actual straightforwardness of the will/estate. If you are in a position to do so, I recommend having a chat to a probate lawyer or two and getting an estimate and then saying Excellent, please go ahead.
      Oh, re the medical debt, assuming you are in the US, the lawyer (or the hospital’s almoner/social worker etc) may be able to advise you on whether some of that can be waived – I only know of this possibility from what I have read on this site, am in Australia myself.
      My condolences to you on the death of your mother, and I hope that your friends and extended family can provide a supportive ear if you need it.

      1. Gatomon*

        Thank you for the note about subscriptions, that is a good reminder. I got into her streaming subscriptions and turn those off so she won’t get charged any further.

        If it weren’t for the medical bills I’d probably attempt it on my own but I can barely handle my own insurance’s BS day-to-day, let alone hers. I did find a recent explanation of benefits that showed she’d hit her max out of pocket somewhere along the way so I’m hoping that as long as things are covered (insert eyeroll at US healthcare system here), insurance will pay and that is that. I don’t think the debts fall to me, though I’m sure they will try. It seems like the consensus is it’s worth it to have it taken off my plate. Thank you!

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hello, my detailed reply disappeared when my battery went flat lol, so to summarise, 3 years ago I was the executor for my mother’s estate, she was in a nursing home so her house had already been sold. Five beneficiaries. I went into a local lawyers’ office and asked if they had someone who specialised in probate, and got a 30 minute free chat with her. Showed her the will. She listed everything she would do – getting probate, contacting all banks, insurers, social services etc, closing accounts, obtaining deposit refund from the nursing home, getting final bills from phone services etc, getting rebates wherever possible from, for example, driver’s licence having been paid for ten years in advance, doing a final tax return if required, accessing any govt assistance available for say funeral expenses.
      It was very straightforward for the lawyer as obviously she already had standard letters and knew what to provide etc. She explained the costs and gave me a written estimate once I had said go ahead. The total cost (not relevant as such to you) was $5000, as estimated. The whole thing took under four months (delayed by the probate office moving buildings!) and after she had paid all outstandings, collected all monies, taken her fees, drawn cheques for the beneficiaries, put all the info together in a folder for me and so on, it was all sorted.
      If it is economically practicable for you, it is so worth the money. I was spared months of having to research what was required, filling out forms, providing the specific info, dealing with all sorts of banks and services etc.
      If you are in the US, some of those medical costs may be waivable, the lawyer or the hospital’s almoner or social worker should be able to advise re that. (I am in Australia).

      My condolences to you on the death of your mother. I hope that things go smoothly for you and that your friends can provide a supportive ear if you need it.

    3. UKDancer*

      I’m not in the US so don’t know the rules but in general lawyers will do what you pay them for within their field. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small estate if you want to have a lawyer do the probate rather than do it yourself you can. The solicitor may tell you that it won’t be difficult and you can do it yourself but if you ask them to do it, they’ll do it regardless. If you can afford it and you’ll find it easier then why not?

      One of my friends has asked me to be her executor and deal with her estate and I agreed. I will almost certainly pay a solicitor to do it for me because I don’t have time to spend on it despite it being a fairly small estate.

      If it makes it easier emotionally and with everything else there is, to have someone do it for you then I think that’s fine.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        Agree. I will be in a similar position to you when my parent goes and honestly there is enough to do so if you can pay someone to do that for you then I would. Plus you won’t stress about making a mistake. It sounds like you aren’t depending on any money left to you for a specific expense (like, finally I can put down a deposit on my own home or pay off that worrying debt) so mentally putting some of the bequest aside to replace the money from savings that you spend on a lawyer seems perfectly logical to me.

        Also, I am sorry about your mum.

      2. Kindle Unlimited Suggestions*

        I was gifted kindle unlimited but I find I don’t know what to read on there. I’ve started a lot of books that just aren’t for me. I’m don’t like awkward situations but find a hard time defining what exactly bothers me. I’d love suggestions in paranormal romance, I like Christine Feehan and Nalini Singh. I also like Christian fiction like Dee Henderson. It’s a long shot, but thought I’d ask.

        1. Kindle Unlimited Suggestions*

          Obviously wrong spot. I’m sorry. I definitely clicked the button at the top of the page so I don’t know how it happened.

          1. Gatomon*

            No problem! :) It happens to the best of us. I’ve considered trying Kindle Unlimited myself, just never pulled the trigger.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          No disrespect intended to anyone bereaved (I am a recent widow myself, dealing with my late husband’s estate) but thank you for adding some comic relief into what was becoming a very gloomy thread. It was a moment of fun to do the “Say what?!” head swivel after reading “paranormal romance.”

      3. Gatomon*

        Thank you, I think that is the way to go based on everyone’s input. I’m generally in the “paying people for their expertise” camp, especially in cases where I’m not likely to be skilled. I’m good with paperwork and budgeting but abysmal with the more complicated aspects of finance and anything legal. My state has documents and guidance published online but it still looks like multiple trips to a notary and court, which means time off work.

        This has also prompted me to think about my own death eventually and who to leave things to. I don’t have a will or anything at this point so I’m leaning towards friends as I’d have to leave things to cousins at this point, and there are just too many to divvy it up meaningfully. Perhaps I can specify an amount or percentage in the will for the friend to hire a lawyer to do the probate for them so they won’t be burdened.

    4. Oysters and Gender Freedom*

      It’s worth an initial consultation with a lawyer. If you haven’t already filed the will, you may not need to go through probate — many states have a small estate process for estates under a certain amount, and I think the life insurance isn’t part of that.

      A friend of mine handed everything over to a probate firm and was happy with that decision.

      As far as finding a lawyer, I would ask at work, since you don’t have people you’re close to nearby.

      1. Girasol*

        Yes, this. A quirk in state law required me to open formal probate even though I’m sole heir. I had no idea how. My lawyer filed the right papers with the state, which I might have done wrong. She helped me sort out a problem with a shyster lawyer who claimed estate debts that didn’t exist. She helped when a mutual fund company and a life insurance company gave me a bureaucratic runaround, making me follow one process and then another, more and more obtuse forms and complicated proofs of identity that were getting me nowhere. Her fee wasn’t large and the help mowing down roadblocks that I didn’t know how to handle was way worth it, I thought.

        1. Gatomon*

          Thank you! I am all-too familiar with bureaucracy at the W place… and I am definitely not interested in fighting it in my personal life.

      2. Gatomon*

        There’s no will, which makes me worried it may be a little bit more complicated. Luckily I don’t think the rest of her family has any interest, she’s spoken with siblings, but was estranged from her father and step-mother. The instructions the state published make it seem that anything she listed me as beneficiary on will flow to me outside the estate. Thank you!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I would definitely let a lawyer handle it. I tried probating my husband’s estate myself but the forms have been made too obscure and not accessible for the average lay person. I think in all it cost around 5k. Even the lawyer wasn’t sure on some of the stuff and had to call the probate court. When I tried contacting the probate court they would not answer my questions at all.

      Even with a lawyer you will probably still have plenty to do such as signing papers and paying bills.

      Things you can start with:

      Check the beneficiaries on the bank accounts, retirement accounts and life insurance. If you are the beneficiary, here in NY that will just roll to you.

      The car, ring and silver will probably have to be sold by the executor of the estate. This can be you or the attorney acting on your behalf. If you want any of these things, then you can just tell the attorney.

      Cleaning out the apartment. I am smh. In small estates, the legal system is pretty lackadaisical. The realtor for my father’s property decided the contents were worth $500. The attorney took that figure and ran with it. I think part of the reason for that is once you figure out the value of each item and then figure out my labor in order to do that work, it’s a wash. There’s no point to crunching all those numbers.

      The outstanding medical is the kicker and probably what takes the most time. You have to wait for all the bills to come in. Wait to see what insurance will pay. And then finally pay off the balance owed.

      You can get referrals for an attorney through the Bar Association online or you can check with coworkers, neighbors and others around you. I personally prefer smaller law firms, but that’s my own quirkiness.

      1. Gatomon*

        Thanks, I think this is the route I will go. $5,000 is worth it. The forms my state provides state several times if you have questions you need a lawyer as they won’t help you. (Sigh.) I’ll definitely ask around on Monday to see if anyone has any recommendations.

        She honestly doesn’t have anything… there’s a desk and chair, and some cushions she was using as a bed. The usual clothes/linens/dishes everyone has. A computer I built her ~6 years ago, and family photos. So many photos. I’ve started working on removing the perishable food and the piles of supplements (why mom??) but I’d be shocked if anything but the silver and ring have value to anyone else.

    6. Ready for spring*

      So sorry for your loss. I just went through this with my mom. State laws vary but in my state <50,000 is a much simpler process. My attorney charged a flat fee of $400 and initial consultation was free. I encourage use of an attorney, there are some minor hoops and forms to file and I don’t know about you but I wasn’t feeling up to figuring it all out and it didn’t seem to be available online. It was worth it.

      1. Gatomon*

        Thank you, this sounds like the way to go. Hopefully I can just hand off the info I’ve gathered and sorted and let them deal with it.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      My husband was the executor for his parents. It was so much work, but so much of it was work only he could do. I guess a lawyer could have sold his mom and dad’s car – but Mr T was the one who had to find the title to the car. (In a manila folder on the top shelf of the guest room closet.)

      A lawyer could have closed out the accounts, but she would have to know what those accounts were. Again, something Mr T had to track down.

      And I guess a lawyer could have listed the house, but Mr T was the one who cleaned out the house. I don’t know if lawyers do that, but even if they did, Mr T wouldn’t have wanted a lawyer to find his mom and dad’s – very personal – porn.

      (My annual PSA to AAM readers: If you have equipment and photos of yourself naked using the equipment, please put them in a box and ask a trusted friend to be the first one in your house when you die so that your children don’t have to see these items. No, there is no shame in consenting adults doing what they want, but I don’t think anyone wants to see their parents doing what they want. Naked.)

      1. Gatomon*

        Luckily my mom was organized, so I’ve found the car title and lien release notice, her SSN, birth certificate and at least some pieces of paper indicating accounts that exist. I suppose the only unknown I have at this point is if she had an IRA or not, but I’m in her email so they usually send some sort of message across eventually.

        Yikes, I am thankful I haven’t found anything that personal. Knowing I exist is the start and end of what I want to know about my parents’ personal lives! I am not into recording or photographing that part of my life, but I think my toy collection will soon be moving to a box labeled: DON’T OPEN JUST TOSS THIS BOX IF I DIE.

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          I am so so very grateful to my extremely organized late father for labeling his porn, “Porn” so it could be humanely disposed of without examination.

          I have instructed my husband that one of his important Son duties is, if anything ever happens to his very hale and hearty dad, to go in and find and exterminate all porn before others find it on their quest for documents, etc. People’s privacy should, IMO, continue to be respected even when they are no longer with us.

    8. Pocket Mouse*

      I’m so sorry.

      Whether it’s worth it to hire a lawyer: depends on how much energy you have now and over the next few months. It sounds like you would be able to handle it yourself (recommend NOLO’s Executor’s Guide to anyone faced with handling a loved one’s affairs!) but very understandable and probably feasible to hand it off as well. I don’t have a sense of how much legwork you’d still have to do to get all the required information and documents to the person you hire, so consider that throwing money at it could take a lot off your plate, but not everything.

      1. Gatomon*

        Thank you. I just don’t have much energy on top of this, I am dealing with some (relatively minor) medical issues of my own and I have a professional cert I need to renew by the end of next month or it’s going to cost me $$$$. I’ve got a good handle on her accounts I think, and I’ve got the piles of paperwork she had as well so hopefully a lawyer could just buckle down with it.

    9. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      Perhaps a close-by university law school has pro-bono services you can use?

    10. Generic Name*

      If you can afford it, I’m of the mindset that it’s worth it to hire an expert to do a complicated and time consuming summing task you don’t want to do.

    11. Cj*

      It doesn’t sound like this is a large enough estate that it would need to be probated. My father-in-law died in January, and had a similarly estate. It cost $250 to have an attorney to an affidavit that my husband was the only heir so that he could close out the checking account and receive the money.

      Since there are medical bills, you will need to use the money in the checking account to pay those. Probably depends on how much the ring and car are worth if you would be required to sell them or if you could keep them. That a question for an attorney, but they could probably answer that in an initial consultation.

      Hopefully you’re named as a beneficiary on the life insurance policy and retirement plan so that those go directly to you and will need to be spent on the medical bills.

      With as few accounts as you mentioned, it doesn’t seem like it should take more than an afternoon to get all taken care of. I wouldnt want to pay an attorney the $5,000 other people have mentioned here for that small amount of work.

      If you want to spend money on something, I would spend it on having somebody empty out her apartment. Go in and take what personal items you want, but they can’t be valuable or you probably need to sell them to pay the medical bills, and have somebody else to deal with the rest.

    12. CatPerson*

      I would say yes. There are a lot of forms and filings. My Mom’s small estate was not very expensive to settle and the costs were paid by the state before the proceeds were divided between my siblings.

    13. Tea and Cake*

      I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please remember to be kind to yourself.

      There’s already a lot of great advice here for you, but I will echo the sentiment that if it will make anything easier for you to hire a lawyer, it will be worth it. Probate and estate dealings can be so very draining and time consuming.

    14. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      You need to consult an attorney.

      A lot may depend on the state in which your mom resided, and a lawyer can help you with this. Where I live, the state actually decides who will handle the estate if someone who has probate assets dies with no will. (Probate assets as defined in my state would include personal property such as jewelry and cars. I don’t know if this definition is pretty constant from state to state, but I’m assuming it is since it also applied when my mom died, and she lived in a different state). Also, depending on the size of the estate, you may be able to go through a sped-up “small estate” probate, or even avoid probate entirely. Again, a lawyer will be able to explain the process and talk through any concerns with you.

      I think it’s highly likely you can have a phone consult with a lawyer, to talk things over and get a feel for the person, before you commit any money. (That was my experience when making a will for myself.) If you have coworkers or neighbors whose judgment you trust, ask them for recommendations (since it sounds like your closest friends are not close by?).

      When my mom died (with a will), the probate cost was $6000, which represented 20 billable hours for my parents’ lawyer. I think this was paid out from the estate though. Also, my mom had fairly sizable assets – I don’t know if this influenced the probate costs. (The attorney fees may also be a factor – another lawyer might have charged less.) But after describing the size and contents of your mom’s estate, a lawyer should be able to give you some kind of figure. You also might want to check out this website: https://trustandwill.com/learn/probate-fees. I had a look at the information listed for the state where my mom lived, and it matches very well with my family’s experience. So it seems like a fairly decent source.

      I was strongly encouraged to make my own will while Copacabana was raging at its worst, and I did so. I would highly recommend it to everyone. You just don’t know how things might get handled if you die without one.

      I also recommend checking to see if your bank accounts offer a Transfer on Death or Payable on Death option or allow you to designate beneficiaries. We’re pretty used to the concept of retirement accounts having beneficiaries, but some banks also allow it on regular checking or savings accounts. Just like with retirement accounts, if the account owner dies, the account passes directly to the beneficiary.

  14. NotReallyALemur*

    I bought a push-powered (so no power except me pushing it) lawnmower recently, and I’m feeling really disappointed. The way the weather’s been around here, it’s been raining a lot, and the grass grew fast, and some of the grass has produced tall stalks. The lawnmower can’t handle it at all. I went over some of those stalks several times, and they just bounced right back up. Plus the wheels of the lawnmower would lock every now and then.

    I wanted a push mower so that I didn’t have to mess with gas and so that it would work a long time, but this seems to barely work. Any suggestions for dealing with this better or for a new lawnmower that doesn’t need gas or electricity but actually works? I guess I could go for an electric lawnmower again, but they don’t always last all that long.

    1. Mid*

      My grandparents (and then my parents) had a Fiskar’s brand push mower that was a workhorse. They sharpened the blades (or rather took them to a guy who sharpened them?) and I think added their own wheels that were more rugged than the ones it came with. That seemed to make the biggest difference.

    2. PollyQ*

      I used a push mower to handle my parents’ very small yard, and it worked fine. Is yours new or used? It sounds like the blades need sharpening, at a minimum. You may also need to walk faster, since your speed affects how quickly the blades spin.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      You could always get a scythe.

      Pluses: they are REALLY fun to use. You swing it and it just goes “shwick”, and a wide half moon of grass falls over. Also, it’s a scythe and therefore awesome. You’d want to spring for a nice one, but it’d still be cheaper than a decent mower. And no moving parts to wear out. And beautifully quiet.

      Cons: much higher skill level to get a good result. I tried using my parents’ scythe on the lawn and my mowing was very choppy-it takes practice to have a level cut without chopping in too deep or cutting too high. It’s what people used to maintain lawns before mowers, but that’s also why lawns were a rich people thing, for folks with money to hire gardening staff. It’s also very physical work-very satisfying physical work but work nonetheless. And you really, really need to keep the blade wicked sharp.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Wow, what a great idea! Thanks for mentioning this. I always feel guilty about leaving all the mowing to Mr. Pond, because I can’t stand the loud noises of our mower (electric, but still loud). I also am looking to get more activity/exercise from “the gym of life”, and I think I could actually do this!

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          They work better on flat surfaces, mind you, because then you can just hold it level.

          My parents’ scythe is from Scythe Supply and is awesome and cuts beautifully, but is also pricier than I remembered. It’s a totally reasonable price for a tool that you actually use, but a bit much for something that might not work out. I’d recommend trying somebody else’s first, but where do you find a friend with a scythe you can borrow? Scythe Supply does have a lawn mowing tutorial on youtube, that would give you some idea of the work. And you can hear the “shwick”.

          Scything is kind of mesmerizing to do. Awesome sound effect, very visible result, and just a satisfying way of moving your body. It’s really easy to get carried away and do more than you meant to.

          1. Melody Pond*

            That’s hilarious, because I went looking on YouTube last night (before seeing your reply), and the first video I found was by Scythe Supply. And when I noticed the name of the channel, I thought, “that sounds like a business that SELLS them!” and promptly tracked down their website and looked through all their stuff. And Mr. Pond has given his go-ahead to buy one!

            Good thing, too, because prior to finding Scythe Supply, I was looking around WalMart, Home Depot, Amazon, and those scythes did NOT seem to be very good.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              Oh yeah, go for the good one! The others look pretty awful.

              I’d love to hear how it works out for you.

      2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        My Dad used to use one! It’s basically a golf swing but much more fun!

      3. Anono-me*

        You may want to check an antique shop for scythes also. Apparently due the the sharpness of the blade, these tools were some of the best taken care of on the farm and are very available on the second hand and antique market. (A historian friend explained that while no one wants to trip over a shovel that was left out accidentally, but people really really don’t want to trip over a scythe.)

        Funny coincidence-Two very different posts this week, but the same advice from me to both.

    4. Anono-me*

      If the grass section of your yard is small enough, you might want to try weed whipping the entire thing and just skipping the mower.
      (There is a knack to it so it may take some practice before you are happy with the results. )

    5. Bunny Watson Too*

      I sprung for a Worx battery-powered push mower last year and really like it. Fully charged, it mows my front and back yards on one charge. No gas needed, lightweight enough that I can turn it on its side to wash off the underside occasionally.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I can vouch for the Worx weedwhacker, too. I have used the heck out of mine. I got the leaf blower/vac and that wasn’t so great. They say not to vacuum wet leaves and that is all I have is wet leaves. I seriously started considering just getting a wet/dry vac to get the wet leaves.

    6. Virtual Light*

      In my brief investigation into these kinds of mowers, I found out that they do best when the grass isn’t very long. They need to be used pretty consistently and can only get so much new growth off. That’s why they don’t have a bag for the clippings; they are assumed to be minimal and that they can just go back into the ground.

      You might try getting it to a height you like with a powered mower, then just work on upkeep.

      That said, also make sure the blades are sharp and well-maintained and play around with the height they are set at. If you can set them higher that might help. Good luck!!

    7. Tib*

      You really need to keep on top of your mowing with a human powered mower because it doesn’t have the power to cut longer grass. I’d find a neighbor with a gas mower and borrow it for a fresh start and then try again. When we lived in Kentucky, the grass grew so fast that I divided our yard into thirds and mowed a section a day. I considered it part of my workout.And we had a neighbor with a gas mower I’d borrow when I got behind.

      1. Sparkles McFadden*

        Yes, reel mowers work great unless you fall very far behind on mowing. My reel mower has an adjustable height lever and that helps tremendously as I can mow at the 3 inch height and then mow again to get it shorter.

        The reel blades also need to be resharpened from time to time. I doubt that’s the issue here since the mower is new. As others have mentioned a hand scythe will help with the tall patches.

    8. Julia*

      We have an EGO lawnmower. It’s electric and you just pop out the battery and charge it. It’s super powerful and awesome. No gas—no oil. The best. They’re also light and fold up for storage too if needed. Highly recommend! Very easily available in the US.

    9. Generic Name*

      I tried a push mower for the same reason, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m short and not super strong. If I were a tall hefty guy, I’m sure it would have been easier. Electric lawnmowers, wither corded or cordless work great.

    10. Girasol*

      I used a push mower for five years and loved it. The trick, I learned, is that after winter when wet grass springs up too fast and too tall to shove the mower through, I could use a cheap corded (yeah, electric) string trimmer to get the trouble spots under control, and then I could go back to the push mower. I had to mow often, because if the lawn gets too tall (which is not tall at all) the mower had a tendency to skid through the grass with its blades not turning. My age and the grass’s upset over the push mower’s low mow height have switched me to an inexpensive Worx battery mower which is terrific for me and our small lawn. Both mowers are way better than the spendy name brand high powered gas mower we used to have with the nasty fumes and the need to spend half its original price in repairs almost every year.

    11. beentheredonethat*

      I bought a battery powered lawnmower and blower 4 years ago. They are so nice. I did this after I bought a battery powered vacuum cleaner. I discovered I don’t hate vacuuming… I hate the plugging in and out.

    12. Random Bystander*

      If the grass has grown too much, you may need to do a first ‘top off’ with another tool (even a weed whacker, in a pinch–it doesn’t matter if it looks ugly/uneven, because you mow after that).

  15. KristinaL*

    Hank is such a good looking kitty! I keep picturing him with a beret in front of the Eiffel Tower. He has sort of an artistic look.

    2. Cj*

      I’ve posted here before that we had a cat who looked EXACTLY like Hank who died a few years ago. My heart stops a little every time I see Hank’s picture. I still enjoy seeing them, though.

  16. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    I haven’t done much this week and I do ‘t foresee that changing in the next few weeks, but I’m curious to hear about your progress and struggles! And of course, as always feel free to ask for advice from fellow commenters.

    1. Forensic13*

      Actually had a great writing week! I’ve been extremely stuck on one section of a book draft for weeks, and finally figured out the one plot point I needed to make all the rest come together.

      How does anyone here deal with trying to find beta readers? I intend to bully a couple friends who are also writing/reading nerds, but I know I need more eyes/variety of eyes than that.

    2. Maryn*

      I’ve finally begun the fourth and final book of a series. I wish my master plan were more detailed in the middle, but I know how it starts and ends and much of what happens in between, so that’s enough for a first draft.

      Luckily, some fairly large chunks of this book will consist of material deleted from book three, so it’s already written. It’ll need tweaks, but the hard part’s done for maybe twenty percent of the whole.

    3. Cendol*

      I’m feeling dreadfully uninspired! There are three submission windows closing at the end of the month, for anthologies with concepts I love, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to write a word. It’s frustrating. I’m hoping to do a bit of catching up this weekend but we’ll see.

  17. The Prettiest Curse*

    Which songs (new or old) have you been listening to on repeat recently? Via Soundcloud, I discovered a newish rock band called Coach Party and their song FLAG (Feel Like A Girl) is ideal for those moments of feminist rage.
    I also love the most recent album by Japanese Breakfast – the first track, which is called Paprika, is just so beautiful.

    1. Bazza7*

      Pilgrim by Fink, heard the song at the end of the final episode of series 1 of a TV show called The Responders on ABC1 in Australia or BBC in UK. This series of 6 episodes had loads of music in it, but this song stood out and I’ve been playing it alot on YouTube.

    2. mreasy*

      Do you listen to Rina Sawayama? She has some great anthems for “feminist rage.” I’ve been listening to the new Pusha T nonstop, though I did check out Harry’s House (I think it’s goo! but the single is for sure the best track), and Lonnie Liston Smith has been soundtracking my workday (discovered by recommendation and I love him).

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I’ve listened to a few of Rina Sawayama’s songs, but should probably do a deeper dive into her music sometime.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      So Called Life by Three Days Grace. Waiting for the End by Linkin Park. Higher by The Score (also The Champion and Legend).

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Mr T dragged me to a concert last week. I didn’t want to go out at 8 p.m. to hear someone I had never heard of.

      Mr T insisted I would like the artist.

      He was right and I was wrong. Paul Thorn is great. If you like bluesy rock with an overlay of growing up with Pentecostal church music, all with great lyrics, you will like Paul Thorn.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      YouTube: Baillandro, performed by Ballet Lizt. A beautiful mix of dance styles.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Well, if you’re forced to have the soundtrack of an animated film on repeat, Encanto is a better choice than many other options!

    8. *daha**

      Everything by Postmodern Jukebox. (Scott Bradlee re-arranges and re-imagines well known songs into earlier styles, with a rotating cast of guest vocalists and solid backup musicians.)

      1. Chaordic One*

        Totally agree. Love me PMJ. In addition to the PMJ site and the linked Scott Bradlee site, Scott now has a third channel on YouTube (which you can also listen to on Apple Music or Spotify) called: “Chill Jazzy Piano Music for Studying/Working/Dinner/Drinks – “LoFi Scott” 24/7 Stream.

        I find it a little too mellow for when I’m working, but sometimes, when you want some sophisticated elevator music in the background it is just the thing.

      2. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        The freestyle Yiddish in PMJ’s klezmer-style cover of “Talk Dirty to Me” kills me every time.

    10. Sundial*

      I am currently blasting Pretty Reckless’ Death by Rock and Roll out of frustration, because I am missing their live performance (probably happening now or within the hour) at the MMRBQ due to my husband’s illness.

    11. Esmeralda*

      Be good tonyas. Especially their cover of Waiting around to die.

      Mohabbat by Arooj Aftab. (Great album —vulture prince—and that’s the best song on it)

      Irma Thomas, Ruler of my heart

    14. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have just discovered a Mongolian rock group called The Hu. Their sound is different from anything I have ever heard but wonderful. I especially like their songs Wolf Totem and Song of Women.

      1. acmx*

        Ok I just saw them perform (been listening to them for a couple of years) and they were fantastic!

    15. KR*

      I’ve been listening to a lot of the music I used to listen to in like 2005-2010 era when I was younger. It’s nostalgic and emo.

  18. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I didn’t really play anything this week due to lack of time, but curious to hear what you all have been up to!

    1. Scot Librarian*

      I’m on a Plants versus Zombies 2 kick at the moment. There’s something so satisfying about destroying zombieswho want to eat your lovely plants

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        There’s a zombie on your la-aawn…

        I’m going to have that song stuck in my head for the entire weekend now.

    2. DarthVelma*

      Probably going to play a little Destiny 2 later – do a little final seasonal cleanup before the new season starts next week. The current Nightfall strike is one of my personal faves, so I’ll probably try to pry my partner away from Rust later this afternoon to go kick Hashladun’s butt.

      I’m also considering trying out the Zero Build version of Fortnite some time this weekend. It still has all the additions that made me pretty much quit the game, but I’m mildly curious how it works with no building allowed. Time to break out my tertiary account and see what’s what.

    3. Schuyler*

      I am big into board games (well, tabletop games really) and of course have more time to play sometimes than others. This week I got to try Three Sisters, and loved it. Like so much that I went on their site that same evening to buy it and now cannot wait for it to show up on my doorstep. Unfortunately it’s supposed to show up Monday and that’s my campaign night, boo.

      TS is a roll and write. I have really come to like roll/flip and writes. Some others I have are Long Shot, Cartographers, and even a free roll and write called Roll ‘n Cook. Three Sisters sent me on a small rabbit hole where I Kickstarted such a game the other day; and also late-backed another roll and write called Motor City by the same people who made TS, as well as picking up some add-on accessories for both.

      Other than that… we quit our last campaign, a game called Tainted Grail, and are still deciding what to do next. So last week we played Ark Nova which is simply not a game I think I enjoy, though this time May have been a bit better than the first time I played it. And last night played a couple of short games because my neighborhood is having our Front Yard Cycle Sale today, and these were KS mistakes from long before I knew what I liked in games but I did want to try them before giving them away. Luckily (?) I didn’t enjoy them so they’re easy to part with (I have a lot that I need to sell and these were going to be in that pile).

    4. Emotional support capybara*

      Chugging along in Yakuza 0. The substories and minigames are deep fried gold drizzled with chocolate sauce and dusted with powdered sugar.

      Kiryu rescued a middle-aged lady who then tried to lure him into an MLM last night. You have the option to fall for it. If I hadn’t been saving up for a piece of real estate I would have bought in just to see if this big scary ex-yakuza ended up begging his associates to buy canned water.

    5. MEH Squared*

      Still playing Elden Ring. Will be playing it for the rest of my life. Got Loot River (Straka Studios) on Game Pass and it’s Tetris crossed with dungeon crawling. I’m excited to give it a try.

  19. Podcast person*

    Give me your favourite podcast recommendations! So tired of economics and news podcasts, but somehow that’s all Apple Podcasts keeps suggesting to me.

    1. PollyQ*

      How Did This Get Made? It’s dedicated to dissecting bad movies in great detail, while being funny as hell. The regular cast includes actual Hollywood personnel (including Jason Mantzoukas), and they’ve had some big name guests, too. Kevin Smith visited for the Batman & Robin breakdown. Warning: the language can get very R-rated. VERY. But if you don’t mind that kind of thing, then may I recommend you start with the episode they recorded for The Notebook. Hilarious!

      1. mreasy*

        The new episode about ‘Grand Piano’ is INCREDIBLE. June is just the greatest. Seconding this recommendation!

      2. CTT*

        A recommendation also along those lines is This Had Oscar Buzz, about movies that were expected to be nominated for Oscars and were not (so movies like Water for Elephants, Money Monster, Woman in Gold). Some of the movies they cover are good and it’s genuinely sad they got no nominations (Hustlers! A Most Violent Year!) but the fun episodes are the really bad movies (Tulip Fever, the Tourist, J Edgar). They tend to look at why the movie had buzz, the reception, and then what ended up being the actual Oscar narrative that year. Very fun if you are into awards shows.

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Chop Bard and the sister show Shakespeare Sundays with Chop Bard. The first goes very in-depth about the plays (Romeo and Juliet takes 16 episodes, to give you an idea) and crucially treats them like the popular entertainment they were rather than Peak Literature. It’s even got a special jingle for when the host begins talking about something particularly crude – like pears. It’s also hosted by an actor so he brings his own experience into it as well, such as commenting on lines that are difficult to bring.
      Shakespeare Sundays deals with things that didn’t make it into the main show, and now they’re also doing the sonnets – so far the only podcast I’ve found that does the sonnets.

      The Ugly Ducklings of Italian Cuisine. This is a short series by SBS Italian that if I understand correctly is available in both Italian and English. They discuss some lesser known Italian products…like a cheese that legally can’t be sold because it contains live maggots and is unpasteurised.

      1. Not a cat*

        I think Anthony Bourdain or Gordon Ramsey visited a farmer who makes casu modde. All I can remember is the maggot jump. Freaked me out.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Yep! It’s recommended you cover your eyes when serving it.

          I’m pretty curious about food but I think I’ll draw the line at “food that requires unusual safety gear”.

    4. Constance Lloyd*

      -Stuff You Missed in History Class
      -Bananas! (A podcast about silly stories in yhe news)
      -Deeply Human, a BBC podcast hosted by rapper Dessa (who was on the Hamilton mixtape and has a degree in philosophy) about the science between the thoughts and behaviors that make up human nature. It’s very fun and science-y in a way that’s great for non-scientists
      -Unwanted, which is a fictional story acted out like an old times radio show. Two civilians turn bounty hunters for an escaped murderer to cash in on the reward. Hilarity ensues.

    5. mreasy*

      Maintenance Phase, You’re Wrong About, and Swindled are some faves. I assume you aren’t into true crime since that genre is extremely well-represented in podcasts, but if you are, I am a My Favorite Murder lifer and also really enjoy That’s Messed Up and Tenfold More Wicked on their network.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Terrible Lizards. About dinosaurs, and occasional other things. From this I learned that bats emit the sonar squeaks with their noses.

      You’re Dead To Me, about history topics. From this I learned about Zheng Yi Sao, legendary Chinese pirate.

    7. Person from the Resume*

      Slow Burn delving into historical American political history. Each of the 7 seasons have a different topic.

      They’re starting on Roe vs Wade in June. Until then the seasons on Watergate, Bill Clinton impeachment, LA Riots we’re particularly interesting to me. The first episode of the watergate season was the inspiration for the new Starz series Gaslit.

      It just looks back at charged history and covers things things you never knew, never understood, or forgot.

    8. Schuyler*

      Oh that’s a hard question! But at least no news or econ gives a bit of direction.

      – Stuff You Missed in History Class: This is mothers first one I listened to circa 2008… I’m not as regular anymore but always recommend!
      – Vulgar Women: Another history podcast, some like some are annoyed, but I enjoy it. The scale is silly though.
      – Not Just the Tudors: History (seems to be a theme here). Suzannah Lipscomb interviews people in a non-Tudor topic from around that era.
      – You Must Remember This: Informed, scholarly-like discussion (in that she does copious amounts of research and has a degree in film) on Hollywood’s first century.
      – Aria Code: Rhiannon Giddens explores opera with experts and artists by examining a single aria in each episode.
      – Infamous America: Back to history. Focuses on tales in US history, typically 5-10 episode seasons.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Seconding You Must Remember This! I’m really loving the current season!

    9. bassclefchick*

      If you want to check out some celebrity podcasts, here are my choices!
      Alan Alda Clear + Vivid. It’s a communication podcast. Mostly about how scientists can communicate their research to a lay person. He has interesting guests and I just love his voice.
      Literally! with Rob Lowe. He just chats with his guests and the conversations are fascinating. The episodes with Henry Winkler and Valerie Bertinelli were my favorites!
      Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown. It’s a mental health podcast.
      Also, if you’re into them, Downton Abbey and Bridgerton have official podcasts.

    10. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d recommend Sounds Like a Cult, Media Storm, Maintenance Phase, and Ladies, We Need to Talk.

    11. Aealias*

      This American Life – documentary news-ish? Not current events, necessarily, but investigations into real things. I’m not American, but it’s really about humans being human.
      Snap Judgement – stories, true and not, nightly variable. Shorter format.
      Critical Role – there’s a LOT of back-episodes. I’ve been listening for two years and haven’t caught up yet. It’s improv story-telling by professional actors, specifically in the fantasy context of their D&D game. Early episodes have variable sound quality, but a strong sense of being invited into someone’s living room and friend circle. More recent episodes have much higher production values, and a balancing sense of awareness of the audience – a lot more polished, a little less personal. Strongly recommend NOT trying to listen to an episode at a time! They’re between 3 and 5 hours long. I listen while I walk or drive or do dishes, and chip away at each episode over 2-3 days. There are effectively four different campaigns, with independent storylines, so recommend starting at the beginning of a season. Episodes are labelled by campaign and episode, so look for Critical Role Geek and Sundry (the black on white logo) “Vox Machina Episode 1”, or Critical Role (the white on black logo) “C2E1” “Exandria Unlimited Episode 1” or “C3E1”.

    12. North Wind*

      The Vanished by Marissa Jones: True Crime covering unsolved missing persons cases which are still unsolved. This isn’t a lurid, sensationalist ick kind of true crime podcast, the host does pretty deep investigations of folks who often don’t get much coverage or attention by the media and/or police (folks who struggle with drug use, or may be homeless, or somehow less than perfect). A really compassionate look at the whole person and their family, with the aim to bring new leads/focus to the case. Some of these have been solved/resolved, and she posts updates when they are.

      Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe’s Parenting Hell. These are two British comedians who started the podcast during the pandemic to chat through the challenges of parenting in lockdown. I’m not even a parent and I absolutely love this show. I was already familiar with Rob and Josh though other British TV shows when I started listening, so I was already primed to enjoy it I guess. Heads up that is very swear-y. And I’d recommend starting from the very beginning of the episodes.

      1. North Wind*

        Also, not exactly a podcast but still a thing to listen to from your phone :)…

        The Unbelievable Truth, a 30 minute radio panel game show that can be found on BBC Sounds. Four (usually British) comedians/celebs deliver a very short “lecture” on a random topic (it can be anything – Nicholas Cage, colors, goldfish, etc) where only 5 of the facts asserted are true. Panelists have to guess the true facts.

      2. fposte*

        I love Parenting Hell too! It’s about male friendship as much as anything, and they’re good at interviewing their guests, so it doesn’t matter if I know who they are. (But who knew the Hanson guys would be hilarious?)

        1. North Wind*

          I know right? I remember some time ago an episode where they’re just going on and on about the bins (trash cans) and I was thinking, this isn’t really anything but I’d just as soon listen to this than anything else. It’s like the Seinfeld of podcasts, sometimes just a show about nothing (i.e. the trivialities of life).

    13. Other Meredith*

      My absolute favorite podcast is Tooth and Claw, a podcast about animal attacks and how to be safer in nature. It’s hilarious and often gruesome, and I have an intense podcast crush on Jeff, one of the hosts.

      I also recently got really into some Jane Austen podcasts, Pod and Prejudice which is an Austen fan guiding a newbie through the books one chapter at a time (they’ve done Pride and Prejudice and just finished Sense and Sensibility. Season 3 will be Emma), and The Thing About Austen, which does deep dives into specific small references in the books to give more historical context. I have learned so much from them!

      1. pancakes*

        Tooth and Claw looks really interesting, so thanks for that! My boyfriend is the one who bought our bear bells for hiking, which I hated wearing, I think I’d rather be eaten by a bear, so I bet he’ll like it too.

    14. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      Overdue, a general books podcast (logo is green, hosts are Craig and Andrew I think). I only listen to those I’ve read the book for, since they do go into spoilers usually, but they have over 500 episodes so I’ll not run out for a while.

      I’m new to living in Canada so am enjoying learning from The Secret Life of Canada – about Canadian history but not the stuff that I’m guessing is on the citizenship exam! The hosts are an Indigenous woman and a Black woman whose parents migrated from Barbados, so there is a lot of focus on the history of marginalized groups.

    15. Dwight Schrute*

      I rotate through a few:
      Stuff you should know
      Morbid
      Cog dog radio- case studies from a trainer who works with behavioral cases
      My dad wrote a porno
      Ridiculous crime

    16. pancakes*

      You Must Remember This, which I see a few other people have mentioned. I’m a former film student and still love movies so that’s a must for me.

      Citations Needed, for news & media analysis.

      Bird Note Daily, which is one minute long,
      so, easy to catch up with!

      How Long Gone – two fashion dudes with guests.

      Hollyworld – writer Molly Lambert’s podcast on the madame Heidi Fleiss.

      Nota Bene – art world gossip.

      1. pancakes*

        Sorry, BirdNote Daily is one word and two minutes. I thought that seemed too short so went to check.

        Also, they’re not making new episodes, but Dear Joan and Jericha is hilarious. Fictional advice columnists / agony aunts who give inappropriately self-involved, inane advice, and often get weirdly sexual about it. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re the sort of person who appreciates, say, John Waters movies, it’s very funny.

  20. Podcast person*

    Give me your favourite podcast recommendations! So tired of economics and news podcasts, but somehow that’s all Apple Podcasts keeps suggesting to me.

    1. Madame Arcati*

      Terrible Lizards – it’s a funny but educational podcast about dinosaurs.

      You’re Dead To Me – same, but for history. I do not think it’s been updated recently but there are plenty of back episodes and although it’s a British podcast the history is international. Eg there’s a fascinating episode on Sacagawea.

      No Such Thing As A Fish – done by the QI Elves i.e the researchers behind the TVshow QI so if you like that sort of content, fascinating information on all sorts of subjects, then you might like this.

      I am British and so are all the above podcasts, but if you are American then you can chuckle at our adorable accents and odd phraseology! :-)

  21. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I’ve got one more note to finish and then I can hit the hay and drop them where they need to go. (Procrastination is my superpower.) I’ll be glad to get them done.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. esemess*

      1. I’m on long-term travel for work and my family/friends have been so kind in reaching out! Including videos of my adorable baby niece and FaceTime with my BFF and her dog!
      2. My red finger and toe nails. :)
      3. Getting positive feedback on things I’ve done.
      4. Massage scheduled for the weekend!
      5. Access to library books, even when far away.

    2. StellaBella*

      Getting a handshake from my CEO, who also said good job, and also getting to hug a few coworkers I have not seen in a long time, and also getting some books to read that are pure fluff.

    3. river*

      I decided to change my planner style, so I bought a new planner that has more room for cute and colourful sticky notes and stickers. It makes me happy to have plenty of room for whimsy!

    4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Having found an app that actually helps me be productive without feeling judged for how small my achievements are. I’ve had an unusually (for me) productive week and that’s a joy for me :)

    5. UKDancer*

      I made a really awesome beef goulash earlier in the week. I have a BBC Good Food recipe which is probably not authentically Hungarian (according to the comments on the site) but very good. I’ve tinkered with it slightly and I think my version is even better. It made 2 tupperwares of leftovers which I’ve frozen so I can have them on week nights when I get back from the office late.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        That sounds nice I must look it up – I do like BBC Good Food recipes. And i never worry about authenticity – I’m making dinner not an anthropological exhibit!

    6. Madame Arcati*

      I got a new rug for my (hard floor) lounge and it’s not only perfect in colour and pattern and general effect in the room, it was reduced in price and a veritable bargain!
      A thing of beauty is a joy forever; possibly for even longer when it’s 25% off!

    7. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I got my second Supernatural tattoo on Thursday, and I love it. Which is a good thing since I’m stuck with it, lol! It’ll be my last one for a while, but I plan on a Jurassic World one at some point since I’m a huge nerd. :)

    8. Can't think of a funny name*

      My girl kitty didn’t have any fur on 1/2 her belly…when she was shaved for her spay 5 years ago, the fur just didn’t grow back…well, lately she’s had an infection on her belly and in the process of treating that, fur has started to grow! It’s like little peach fuzz right now, I hope it keeps growing. :)

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My puppy Abigail is now 12 weeks old, has doubled in size (25 pounds now) since she came home at 8 weeks, and is doing great in her puppy class! She went to a puppy playdate at the local Petsmart this week and apparently made good buddies with a 3-month old Dobie, they were alternating between playing together and sitting next to each other leaning on each other.

    11. Voluptuousfire*

      Today is the 2nd Gotcha day for my cat! She’s a sweetheart weirdo who is now chittering at the birds and attempted to jump onto the windowsill but it was closed. She glanced off it. LOL she’s totally fine and hasn’t learned her lesson.

    13. Girasol*

      Volunteer work with Fish and Game. We were up in the hills checking to see if the native plants put in to recover the area after a wildfire were surviving well. It’s fun work with good friends and the views up there are breathtaking.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That sounds wonderful. This weekend I attended a training to monitor and be a docent for threatened snowy plovers nesting on the shoreline of a national park.

    14. L. Ron Jeremy*

      My MIL’s sister works at Sees Candies and she gifted us a box of nuts and chews.

      Lasted two days. Yum.

    15. beentheredonethat*

      I was all excited to share and realized I would mention that other place. I got a unexpected compliment.

    16. North Wind*

      I bought a kind of pricey (for me), hand-made vase specifically for flower bouquets from an art coop awhile back, but hadn’t put it to use yet. I was feeling a bit gloomy this week and added fresh-cut flowers to my online grocery order. You can’t really specify exactly which flowers you get, and I was hoping for something red, orange, and/or yellow. I ended up with pink gerberas, and pink is definitely not something I’d ever choose myself.

      I kind of just rolled my eyes at myself (I could obviously choose the exact flowers I want if I could be bothered to go into the grocery myself, I just hate shopping so much) and put the flowers in the vase. They are really perfectly gorgeous. They’re in a corner of the room, right in the line of sight from my computer, right next to the sliding glass door through which is a huge tree blooming with pink flowers.

      It totally gives me a lift every time I look over that way. That whole side of the room is just open, sunlit, and gorgeous.

    17. RosyGlasses*

      I have been working on my first large canvas painting in almost 20 years and it’s been so therapeutic (and doesn’t look all that bad!).

    18. Might Be Spam*

      I won a door prize at a health fair on Wednesday. I had a really nice chat with the person who created the gift basket and let her know how much I liked the contents that she chose.

    19. allathian*

      My son and I oiled all of our deck & garden furniture this weekend. I’m sore from all the weird positions, but at least our FSC certified wooden furniture’s protected from the weather for another year.

      We also planted some potatoes. Or rather, my son and MIL planted them together, but they’re in our garden.

  22. Better late than never*

    I’ve always known I was “weird” and have been okay with that, but I realised during the pandemic and the lockdowns what a relief it was to not have to go into the grocery store and not have to go into the office. Then a friend received an autism diagnosis and suggested gently that I might also be autistic. Looking at my life through the lens of autism made so many things make more sense (constant struggled with my parents about my “tone” or my “attitude”, spectacularly bad friendship disintegrations that seemed inexplicable at the time, inability to process feelings, massive social anxieties, hating certain sounds and foods, refusing to go to parties because they are just not fun in any way, becoming hyper-focused on my interests, melting down when plans change…). I’ve also read loads about autism and how the socialisation of girls and the diagnostic process itself means that many girls and women are never assessed or receive incorrect diagnoses.

    So I took the plunge and am on a wait list for an assessment. I’d love to hear from anyone else who was diagnosed late (I am solidly middle aged) – how was your assessment? What do you wish you had known before getting assessed? Did you disclose that you were getting an assessment to anyone beyond your immediate family?

    Thank you!

    1. Dragonfly7*

      May I ask how you managed to get onto a list, and what type of provider is doing the assessment? I have enough traits to be suspicious but also a history of medical providers not always taking me seriously, so it might be helpful to know what to ask for.

      1. Better late than never*

        Private psychologists in my country accept self-referrals. So I was able to get myself on the waiting list. (It’s expensive, but they do have a payment plan option. And it’s high 3-figures expensive, so I’m fortunate to be able to have some disposable income to absorb the cost.) The place I’m using is a private practice that exclusively works with adults.

        I have the same history (I once went to a doctor for chronic fatigue and he told me “that’s not really a symptom. Come back when you have real symptoms that I can use”….yeah, he is not my doctor anymore.) So if I’d had to go through a GP, I might have been more reluctant to pursue a formal diagnosis. My concern about a GP is that they would not be familiar with all the presentations of autism and would have their own biases.

        I would recommend going on Twitter and using the #AskingAutistic hashtag to ask how people got their assessments.

      2. Steve Holt!*

        I will be in Atlanta Georgia for a few days in june. Any recommendations for great restaurants or places I should try to see while I’m there?

  23. esemess*

    I think I’m pretty average with money (no debt, but I could be better about strategically making my money work for me).

    I’m curious about two things:
    1. What is something you like to treat yourself to when you have disposable income? (I like to hire someone to clean my house!)
    2. What’s a way that you are strategic with savings/investing, when that is a financial option for you? (I up my 401k when I get a COLA increase.)

    1. LDN Layabout*

      1) Travel, always travel. Whether it’s a weekend away or a big splashy holiday, it’s where any money I can justify spending on myself goes.

      2) Saving for a deposit at the moment and having changed jobs, I am ‘living’ off my old salary and the excess is going into the bank. Same with the tax changes in July which will increase take home pay here in the UK. In my head the money goes into a ‘doesn’t exist’ category so I can’t spend it!

    2. Who Plays Backgammon?*

      When we get our annual bonuses, I defer as much as possible into retirement account (along with regular payday contributions).

    3. UKDancer*

      The cleaner is definitely an essential for me now I’ve got one. It makes my flat so much nicer having someone in regularly to clean it.

      I also indulge myself with a massage when I have spare money because I love how good it makes me feel to spend an hour being pampered and having the knots in my back worked out. I also sometimes buy a really good steak from my butcher and cook it very simply with chips and salad.

      In terms of saving money when I got promoted a year ago and had a bit more money I started buying Additional Voluntary Contributions (AVCs) to sit alongside my company pension and perhaps help me retire a little earlier.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      #2. One of the best calls I have made in terms of handling money was to take any inheritances no matter the size and set them to one side as if I never got them. I did make investments with them but I otherwise did not touch them. The sense of having a safety net was priceless. And in the end, when I need that safety net, it was there and it rescued me.

    5. mreasy*

      Travel and/or a nice meal out.
      We hired a financial planner to help us be most effective for retirement with our savings and it was a game changer. She wasn’t super expensive or anything, just really helpful in explaining the investment types & making recommendations.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      1) We eat out. Other options are very limited due to Covid.
      2) Always pay yourself first – meaning save money (ideally 10% but whatever you can) from every paycheck, every income source. This worked out extremely well for us.

    7. Fikly*

      The biggest tip I can give about investing is that whatever type you do, use some version of an index fund. Over the long term, they always, always do better than anything run by a human, and they always have lower fees, because they aren’t run by humans. So it’s win win. They cannot be beat, whatever you are investing in, as long as it’s long term.

      Then never look at the numbers again, because when they are bad you will be tempted to change things.

    8. Sundial*

      I’ve just started an I Bond ladder, since HYSA rates are in the toilet. I’ll keep a rotation going from my e-fund, so there’s always some coming up for maturity. It’s a nice hedge against inflation without taking on the risk of my actual investments.

    9. overeducated*

      1. A summer pool pass. It could wind up costing a little more than the punch card, but I get a kick out of going whenever we want and not having to ration or calculate trips.

      2. My partner and I are finally, as of 2022, maxing out our 401(k)s and Roth IRAs. This is well over the 15% (standard) and 25% (pessimistic) recommendations at our income levels, so we live in a much smaller space than I would like, but we have a lot of catching up to do after many years of not even having access to employer retirement accounts.

  24. Wi-fi seeker*

    Wi-fi question. I spend a few weeks each summer at a cottage by the beach, and it is fabulous. My only issue is the wi-fi, which is very spotty. The cottage doesn’t have its own wi-fi; it just picks up the wi-fi signal from the main building. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And when it does work, it’s only in a specific part of the cottage where I can get the signal. I thought I’d post here in case there’s a solution that I don’t know about. Is there anything I can buy for my computer that will allow me to have my own wifi while I’m there?

    1. GraceC*

      How’s your data connection (3G, 4G etc) at the cottage? (And I suppose how expensive is your data, as well, since I think it’s considerably more expensive in some countries like the US than it is here in the UK, from what I’ve heard?)

      If you have a good data connection, could you buy a bigger data package for the month that you’re there and then connect your laptop to mobile data via hotspot? My workplace bought some of the portable wireless wifi routers for wifi-less meeting rooms and they did work, but they were considerably more expensive than a month of unlimited data.

      1. Wi-fi seeker*

        I hadn’t thought about just using my data. I think there’s a good data connection, so buying a bigger package is a good option. As far as a router, would it work when there is no wi-fi modem in the cottage itself? I’m sorry if that’s a stupid question. I don’t know much about this.

        1. Just another queer reader*

          You can buy a device called a “portable hotspot” or “mobile hotspot.” It connects to the cell phone network and creates a wifi network for you to connect to. About $50 at Best Buy, and another $50 for a month of data. This option would work best if the place you’re staying has good cell signal.

          https://www.bestbuy.com/site/simple-mobile-moxee-4g-no-contract-mobile-hotspot-black/6412518.p?skuId=6412518

          Another option is a satellite-based internet system, but I think that would get super expensive.

          1. Dragonfly7*

            I scrolled down to also make the hotspot suggestion. That’s actually what my mother uses full-time, so she takes it when she travels.

    2. Madame Arcati*

      You can get a Wi-Fi booster that you plug in at the dead spots. My router and the place where I sit to work (so need Wi-Fi for the vpn) have an oddly large distance between them for not a very big house, owing to the layout, so I got a booster having searched for recommendations online (I used Which?).
      The one I have is a SpeedTech and judging by the socket adaptor it came with, is available in the US, but you may want to do your own research. They can also be called Wi-Fi range extenders as well as Wi-Fi boosters.

      1. WellRed*

        I feel like this wouldn’t work. Doesn’t the booster need to be within a certain range?

      2. Wi-fi seeker*

        The modem is not in the cottage. It is in another building used by the owners. Would a booster still work?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If the booster GETS wifi signal, it will be able to boost the wifi signal, but it sounds like even that part is dodgy.

      3. pancakes*

        We have one in our hall because our apartment is in an ancient building with very dense walls, and it does help keep the signal to the bedroom more consistent, less spotty. But, we have the modem here as well.

    3. SnootyGirl*

      We had that same issue where our main building had the wi-fi and our outbuilding struggled with the connection. We bought a wi-fi extender/booster (≈ $20 – $50 USD) and it made a big difference. It just plugs into an outlet.

  25. Lady Whistledown*

    Respect/Disrespect in relationships

    I’m starting to realize that due to a number of life changes, I’ve been struggling to respect my partner and it’s starting to affect, well, everything. We’re already in therapy and have a regularly scheduled date night along with wonderful childcare help. If we met today, it’s unlikely we would even date, much less marry. But we have a young son and there are many things we do love about each other.

    If you’ve ever had a relationship rough patch, how did you get through? John Gottman lists contempt as the most dangerous relationship sin and I’m not there but I’m probably closer than I’d like to be and I want to rebuild. He’s a good person who has supported me during my struggles and who adores our kiddo. I think that this “season” will eventually pass but I am having a hard time feeling emotional positivity and closeness.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I do think relationships mature and in part that stems from our needs changing. There is definitely a honeymoon period where everything is just wonderful. Then real life steps in. What we needed at the beginning can become secondary to what we need in current time.

      My husband and I had a running joke. “It’s your turn to have IT, isn’t it?” The “IT” we were referring to was when one of us remembered why we were together. We used the comment when one of us responded kindly to the other one’s thoughtless comment.
      I think part of what helped us was the ability to laugh at our own folly/foibles. “Yeah, I was getting cranky there. You’re right we need to fix the car instead of going shopping.” Or just acknowledging brain farts that morph into a larger problem. If we can laugh at some of the simpler problems that are just part of being human, we can get back the bigger picture.

      Love changes. It’s not the parades and fireworks it was at the beginning. Nor should it be really. Day to day life can get tedious and get down right hard. I got a lot of use out of the idea that love is a commitment, not an emotion. If we wait for emotions to help us make the right choices, we can wait forever. But if we think about our commitment we can cover more ground quicker.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Whoops. Wanted to add, it makes sense that you might not pick each out at this stage in life. We change, hopefully at least, as we go through life. But we’d find this with any mate/partner. Everyone changes with age and there is no way to know how our chosen person will change over the years. That is an unknown in any relationship.

      2. Lady Whistledown*

        Thank you so much for commenting! Love the addition of humor and it’s one of my favorite coping mechanisms. I adore all our little inside jokes and the way we’ve often been able to reframe sad or stressful events into something silly or funny.

        I have a wonderful therapist I just started with and we’re in couple’s therapy so I feel like the recent breakthrough for me is that I don’t respect him as much as I used to (he’s been unemployed for over 9 months, though with some mitigating circumstances around physician and mental health) and while I’m exhausted, maybe this is the part where the rubber hits the road. The emotions aren’t there, but maybe the acts of kindness and commitment can be. I think I’ve spent so much time resenting the things he can change without sitting down with all the non-chore things that I can change.

    2. J C Books*

      Read the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It teaches a life skill and makes a huge difference!

      1. ThatGirl*

        Ehhh that book has a strong evangelical bent. It’s got its usefulness – knowing how you express love vs your partner can be helpful, but only if you’re both communicating well.

        OP, can you point to something that has made you lose respect for your partner? Might be worth probing that a bit. (In therapy, not necessarily here.)

      2. Lady Whistledown*

        We did find that book helpful early on in our marriage but at this particular stage it’s almost more of an accelerator for resentment because it’s not that we don’t know what the other person needs, it’s that one or both us are exhausted and don’t seem to have the bandwidth to devote to it. Like, if I’m treading water as the breadwinner, I don’t have the energy for a lot of physical affection. And if he’s battling mental health demons, he doesn’t always get to acts of service around the house.

        I think this thread is helping me sit with my different choices. Kind of like having a bad boss. You can choose to acknowledge the pros of staying in your current position or you can take a risk and look elsewhere. What’s pointless is sitting and just feeling frustrated.

    3. Frankie Bergstein*

      I can relate to this! Here’s what helped for me:

      -hubby doing his own work in therapy and just treating me better, strengthening our closeness and bond. We started to do the things you’re doing – so this isn’t something I’m including as advice for you but rather that I’m writing a thorough response – like daily dinners together without TV, Thursday night date nights where we tried to go out and experience something new.

      -Couples therapy, which encouraged me to do more boundary setting with him (and in life generally). I also did my own trauma work with all the quarantine quiet time. That helped a lot, now I’m working on boundary setting (like not managing his emotions or difficult family).

      -I also think just reminding myself of what he did well — he does a lot around the house like getting the roof fixed but also day to day things like groceries. He’s responsible. He’s smart and fun to talk about ideas with. I like his values / politics. He’s a good co-dog-guardian (I’m trying not to say dog dad bc human dependents are so different than canine dependents). I need to do this often.

      -time apart – I have been traveling a bit – long weekends away with friends. It helps. It makes me happier to come home and see him / the creatures.

      I think – at the end of the day – he just had to grow with me, to evolve the relationship as our lives and life stages evolved. I often think about people in arranged marriages and how they’re not less happy than folks who fell in love and got married — I think some of that might be more that their relationships turn into partnerships vs. what dating felt like. I like having a reliable partner by my side.

      There are tons of things wrong or that if we’re up to me to change about him, I would. Like, If he paid more attention & invested in his health? I’d be so grateful. But I can only support what he’s doing, not foist it upon him. There are others, but I think that’s just the nature of knowing someone well.

      I think the company for tiny little moments of shared joy – right now, coffee, dogs, sunlight, and breakfast cake – are what make me treasure it.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        This is such a treasure to read – thank you for sharing your personal journey! I couldn’t agree more that ultimately it’s about doing the work and remembering to feel grateful. I think I have slipped into a critical mindset that I wouldn’t use on a friend and so it feels unkind to save it for my spouse. We’re in the middle of a stressful family health event and I’m finding myself thinking that this is the time to reset and focus on the positive moving forward. I don’t expect things to get better overnight, but I’m encouraged that every action I’m considering is fully within my control.

    4. RagingADHD*

      We had a real rough patch after an intensely stressful period in our lives. I definitely struggled with respect.

      What helped me was to really examine my expectations for him, and sort out what was valid vs unreasonable.

      Some of it was that I was leaning too much on him to try and meet all my emotional needs, which is not reasonable for one person to do. I needed to find other people I could lean on, too.

      Some of it was that I blamed him for not handling the stressful time better. He has human flaws and weaknesses, and I had to work through accepting them.

      Some of it was that I felt burdened by him leaning on me too much for his emotional needs, too–especially in the midst of so much stress. He also needed to find others to lean on.

      And some of it was that I was creeping into a parental role. He is a perfectly capable adult, but he has different priorities and does things differently than I do. We had fallen into a pattern where I wanted things done my way, and he was trying to be agreeable (to not cause conflict) but I would be dissatisfied and swoop in, taking the responsibility away from him. The martyr syndrome of “I have to do everything around here!”

      Part of restoring respect for him was respecting his right to be different.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        I forget sometimes, too, that we’re in the midst of an ongoing pandemic with a young child and maybe WW3 and it’s… ok to be struggling. We’re human and I think being ok with my flaws means I really ought to extend more grace to his. When we first got married, I love the way our differences so elegantly balanced with each other. The day to day grind of managing a house together as different people has worn me down but I think this is a good time to pause and spend more time nurturing gratitude for the wonderful traits he does have.

        1. Stephanie*

          My husband and I had some struggles when we had little kids, because that’s just a difficult stage of parenting (and marriage). It’s extremely hard to find any time for yourself, and the day-to-day grind is sometimes crushing. Just getting the kids and myself dressed, fed and out the door took a massive amount of effort sometimes. Not to mention keeping up with household chores. Throw working at a job in there, and it’s a lot of stress. You have a pandemic and a husband with health issues on top of all of that. It’s… a LOT.
          (Our kids are now technically adults, but back home with us due to the pandemic. It’s not easy sometimes, but, believe me that it’s still a whole lot easier than when they were little.)
          Try to give yourself a bit of grace. I think that it’s much easier to be kind to others when we can find a way to be kind to ourselves.

          1. Lady Whistledown*

            Thank you so much for sharing your story! I think one of the worst parts of this pandemic has been how deeply deeply lonely it has been. So many people suffering alone without the comfort of broader routines and larger communities. (I realize that might sound like I’m anti-public health precautions. I’m definitely not! We wear our masks and for vaccinated ASAP and wish more people would take the pandemic seriously. It’s just that this is hard in a different way).

            I think the plan ahead is to slow waaaaaaay down and focus on just the essentials for right now. Family and health and rest. Sending warm wishes to you and your family as you navigate this crazy time too!

    5. Sister Michael*

      My partner and I had a couples counselor that used the Gottman method and it helped us immensely. We’d been married 15+ years by then and well, infatuation was long gone of course. Some things that I still use today and which might be helpful for you:
      1. I care about this person and I like this person. Am I acting in a way that is caring? How do we keep building our friendship?
      2. Each of us contributes to our relationship. I almost see the “relationship” as another dependent in our life, like another child! Are my actions in the best interest of the relationship? If something is harmful to the relationship, it needs to be addressed.
      3. It really doesn’t matter if I agree with my partner’s feelings in a situation. I need to listen to them, validate their feelings, and find out what positive need I can fulfill. I can ask to be seen and heard, but behavior is a much trickier area to navigate.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        “ 1. I care about this person and I like this person. Am I acting in a way that is caring? How do we keep building our friendship?”

        Oh wow this is EXACTLY what I needed to read on this. Thank you so much for taking the time to share! It gets to the heart of how much I’ve been struggling and how I think it’s caused me to treat him as a burden/lazy roommate instead of as a beloved friend and partner who needs help.

        Truly thank you for helping me find the right words to reframe my thinking. It doesn’t feel good to realize I’ve been hurting someone I care about but it gives me a way to change my attitude and actions moving forward.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes the rough patch resolves, sometimes it doesn’t.
      At some point, you’ll be ready to decide if you’re staying or not. Please remember your young son is watching and learning how relationships are managed.
      My niece was married to a man who became too depressed to continue working. He wouldn’t take his meds nor help himself or the marriage. After several years, my niece divorced him.
      My parents had a rough patch for 3 years. They stayed together.
      It’s your call, when you’re ready. Sending good thoughts.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your stories and grace. In my bad moments it has felt like it’d be easier to just start over and do this all myself. But when I step back I do feel gratitude for the history we have and the memories we’ve made. I watch him play with our son and it feels me with such joy. It impossible to predict the future but I’m feeling encouraged to keep trying.

    7. Batgirl*

      Disrespect is a spoken action as well as a feeling and the best advice I ever got from a counselor was to ban it in my speech, as a first step. So if you find yourself saying to your partner “You are doing (or not doing) x because of y” that is disrespectful because usually y is usually a negative judgement (or worse, an analysis of their childhood). Even when it’s a positive word, you’re analysing them and talking for them instead of asking them (and sometimes even the words “why are you doing that” can feel disrespectful to the hearer if disrespect has become a pattern.) It’s simpler to just communicate your own thoughts and simply say “that bothers me”. This is something we avoid saying, because it feels safer to avoid being a complainer. So we wait until we’re so resentful that we have created enough resent and disrespect to motivate us, and then when we bring it up, we phrase it as a you-problem rather than a this-bothers-me-problem. When the disrespect is not something you’re saying out loud and is still just a feeling, then it’s an action on the other person’s part which is causing you resentment. Again, it’s best to say that it bothers you in no uncertain terms as quickly as possible, and expect the other person to respect that enough to brainstorm a solution.

    8. The teapots are on fire*

      The Gottmans offer a package of relationship questions you talk through and conversations you have, a lot about hopes and dreams and things you don’t normally talk about as a couple. They model how to listen and how to be supportive and how to make some plans together. We found it really helpful.

    9. Tib*

      I think what’s helped me most is to think of love as an action and not a feeling. It’s also a choice you get to make every day. I’ve also found help with Dan Savage’s “Price of Admission” talk and a NYT article called “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage”. (I read the book as well, but I got more out of the article.) I hesitate to mention both of those for fear of being misunderstood. The Price of Admission reminds me that there are costs to everything and to see how those are balanced by the fun ride my life is with my partner. And Shamu reminds me that there are other ways to get things done and to be creative in reducing friction.

      It sounds to me like you’re all moving in positive directions. Learning and changing can be rough. I remember when my son was little and we’d have this intense period full of angst and tantrums and then suddenly all would be calm and he’d have a new skill to show-off. It could be helpful to think of yourself in that jagged stage and that things will smooth out and you’ll have new skills to share. Another way to think of it is you’re over the top of the mountain, working your way down. Going down a mountain can be harder sometimes than going up, but you’re still almost over the mountain.

      And then there are the ever applicable words of my son’s preschool teacher: “We’re all doing the best we can.”

  26. Kindle Unlimited Suggestions*

    I was gifted kindle unlimited but I find I don’t know what to read on there. I’ve started a lot of books that just aren’t for me. I’m don’t like awkward situations but find a hard time defining what exactly bothers me. I’d love suggestions in paranormal romance, I like Christine Feehan and Nalini Singh. I also like Christian fiction like Dee Henderson. It’s a long shot, but thought I’d ask.

    1. Pardoname*

      I recommend checking out Shai August. Her worlds are a bit bonkers, but in a fun way, but she is incredibly readable. Also hard recommend on Lucy Eden stuff. Although hers is more fun silly.

    2. J C Books*

      I enjoy these authors: Lisa Scottoline, Diane Chamberlain, Jodi Picoult, Colleen Coble

    3. Julia*

      DUDE—the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs is phenomenal. And the series The Others by Anne Bishop.

      1. Princess Xena*

        If you like Mercy Thompson I would also check out Ilona Andrews, especially the Innkeeper books. They’re amazing

        1. Julia*

          Oh gosh I love Ilona andrews too! I’ve just read the Kate Daniels series. It’s awesome.

    4. Aealias*

      You might enjoy GA Aiken (and if you do, then Stephanie Laurenston). They’re pretty sweary, though, be aware.
      Lynsay Sands writes modern vampire romances that are light and fun. Ilona Andrews’ Blaze series is also great adventure/drama/romance with minimal cringe or second-hand embarrassment.
      The Others series by Anne Bishop (recommended above) is a favourite, but not a romance series. More, there are relationship themes because people have relationships.

    5. Dwight Schrute*

      Try some of the Amanda M Lee books- she’s got a ton of series that have paranormal cozy mystery themes with of course some love interests

    7. beach read*

      Late reply but the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning is awesome. I highly recommend. Karen Robards wrote a series that was good, the Charlotte Stone series. Other authors that write some good paranormal books are Jayne Ann Krentz and Gena Showalter.

  27. Bibliovore*

    Any recommendations for sites to create a checklist for the bathroom renovation?
    I am having memory issues and am worried that I will forget something or not know what I don’t know.
    I have created an excel sheet.
    For example- tile, style number, color, vendor, quantity, order date, delivery date, actual delivery date, price, invoice date, date paid, amount paid, notes. Who (designer, me, contractor, subcontractor etc)
    Am I missing anything?
    Looks like August start (supply chain issues)

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Your list is pretty similar to mine – I’m renovating in late July/August. I’m also recording measurements (picking out fixtures this morning), and notes from conversations with my contractor. Today I’m going to take all of the “before” pictures, because I’m afraid I’ll forget to do it before they start.

    3. Red Sky*

      Agree with the suggestions for measurements and notes from conversations with contractor, I’d also add an Issues column for unexpected issues that may need follow-up. For example, Subway tile arrived but 15 were broken, supplier states replacements will be sent by 5/29/22

      I’m living vicariously thru your bathroom reno, ours is sorely in need but it isn’t financially realistic right now.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t forget deadline dates on contracts. Never leave a job open-ended on final completion dates and never pay for the whole job in advance. Plan on it costing more than the estimate or quote by 10 to 20%. If the job miraculously comes in on budget, you’ll have spare cash.
      Congrats on your exciting reno!

    5. Bibliovore*

      Oh thank you. Is there a place or site that would have an actual list if things to think about in a bathroom renovation?

      1. Red Sky*

        Whenever I’m in the planning stages of a remodel, whether I’m doing it myself or paying someone else, I usually check out 2-3 diy books on the topic from my local library just to get an idea of what the process should look like and see if I’m missing anything. I like books better than websites for this because you can put posts-its on the pages and I seem to retain more information from physical books.

        Just did a quick check to see what my local branch has on Bathroom Remodeling and there’s a good selection. I would stick to the pro type books from Black & Decker or actual professionals etc rather than the home decor type from Better Homes & Gardens etc.

    6. Red Sky*

      Forgot to mention Permits! Cant recall if your reno is going to require any permits, but if so it’s a good idea to keep track of the date issued and when they’re set to expire. If you’re in a bigger city, your development department should have an online portal where you can check permit status by address or permit number.

      We had the unfortunate experience of discovering an expired window permit years after the window install was completed (contractor said everything was taken care of) and it was a pain in the butt to get it closed and held up some new work that required permits.

      1. bibliovore*

        thank you! the contractor will be getting the permits but I want to make sure to have every detail on my checklist

  28. Jules the First*

    A quick thank you to everyone who helped me refine and articulate my thoughts about my apparently gifted toddler last week – when I picked him up on Monday, the new daycare director was there and asked to talk to me. The short version is that they have also noticed boredom and the resulting acting out. His key caregiver and I will be working together to come up with some small enrichment kits that he can use in baby room when he is bored and the director will come by and collect him for extra garden playtime with the toddlers twice a week. This week he got the extra playtime and we’ve had only one incident (down from half a dozen a week). Once he turns one in a few weeks we can also sit down and plan to transition him part time to toddler room – as many of you suspected, he can’t move up before then for insurance reasons.

    1. Generic Name*

      Yay! I’m glad you came up with a plan. You’re his mom and you KNOW he’s different. Pay no mind to people who say you can’t tell giftedness at this age. Their opinions don’t matter. You know your child, and you know what’s best for him. Keep on advocating fo him, and teach him to advocate for himself as he gets older.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I have no problem identifying the kid as gifted. That said… putting AAM work management lens on it…the label isn’t even the important part. Mom is seeing unmet needs, patterns of behavior, and outcomes. She sees when the child expresses boredom, and when they thrive, which is great! Focusing on the behaviors and advocating for what makes the child thrive is what matter, whatever the label or cause.

  29. Meh*

    Asheville NC recommendations. I’m headed there for 4 days while my friend is in town for work. I’ve been there a few times, but usually only for a day. I’ve heard the food scene is good and I want to get some :)

    Probably skipping the Biltmore but if you have any other suggestions I’m open!

    1. BethDH*

      The southern highland craft guild has a lovely small museum and often has one or more artists doing demos of things like lathe turning or spinning. They have an extensive shop (or at least did when I was last there pre-pandemic) that includes plenty of handmade things in the <$10 category (wood or glass ornaments, for example, and a zillion shapes of wooden spoons) up to really nice stuff like furniture. I have a stack of handwoven kitchen towels that were like $12 each that I accumulated over several visits because they have held up so well to hard kitchen use and stayed so pretty.
      It’s right off the Blue Ridge parkway and there are several easy hikes from the same stop.
      Also love the hikes behind Montreat.

      1. Meh*

        Oh the craft guild sounds great! I’m a handmade maker myself (metal) so this is right up my interest alley.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t miss Curate. I have missed it twice, once because they were renovating, then because I couldn’t get a reservation. Get a reservation. I am deprived.

      I like the food at Wicked Weed a lot, plus the beer. Rhubarb was also very good for dinner. I had a great lunch at Laughing Seed, which is vegan. I am sorry to say that I do not remember the name of the bar/restaurant where I had seriously amazing small plates, but it was on the square across from Tupelo Honey, I think, and in an old bank building– a friend and I stopped in on the way to Pigeon Forge and had a great meal, plus they made me a low-alcohol spritz. Small spot, number in the name.

      We like Thirsty Monk for drinks– Belgian beer downstairs, excellent cocktails upstairs. Also Sovereign Remedies is great for drinks and food.

      I love Asheville. I do recommend the Biltmore on a nice day, but it’s not an “OMG YOU MUST”. I took the dog to the Arboretum, that was cool.

      1. Meh*

        Oh thanks! I think I’ve been to Thirsty Monk before but definitely adding Curate. I’ll let you know if I get in :)

        I’ve been to Biltmore before (when it was decorated for Christmas) and I don’t think my friend will care to go. I’ve packed hiking clothes and booked a class at a gym I belong to. I’m excited since this is my first pseudo vacation on 2 years!

      2. AY*

        Curate is so expensive but it’s sooooo good. I have been twice, and both times have been sublime. Like, no notes, everything was perfect. The Spanish wine list is definitely a treat if you’re a wine drinker.

      1. AY*

        My husband and I recently attended a wedding in Brevard just outside Asheville, and we loved all the waterfall hikes/walks in Pisgah National Forest. There are a bunch even beyond sliding rock. Great way to spend a morning! You can hit the absolutely enormous Sierra Nevada production facility on the way back to Asheville.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      I have gone to Biltmore before and not even gone inside the house; the landscaping designed by Frederick Law Olmstead will keep me happy for hours.

    7. Bluebell*

      A friend and I were in Asheville for a long weekend 5-6 years ago and really enjoyed it. We went on a food tour that hit 5-6 places and was definitely worth it. We also went to the Farmers Market and Wicked Weed craft brewery. One morning I went to Riverside cemetery where O. Henry and Thomas Wolfe are buried. There used to be the SHEville Museum, but apparently now it’s the Asheville Emporium, which is a fun gift shop.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      I have fond memories of Mellow Mushroom pizza from 9 or 10 years ago. It seems to be a local institution. We had various meatless pizzas that were really good.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          It must be a regional chain; there are a few in the Atlanta area. One of my favorites.

            1. Uncle in Atlanta*

              I worked at the Ashville Mellow Mushroom like 15 years ago! I lived in Ashville for a short period, and the Mellow Mushroom seemed like THE MOST “Ashville” restaurant that could possibly exist. Later, I looked on the internet and learned they’re a chain based I think in Atlanta, and was somewhat disappointed that it was not in fact the homegrown Ashville pizza joint it seemed it should be. I must not have googled them or anything — I just walked in and applied for a job.

    9. beep beep*

      The French Broad Chocolate Lounge. There’s a factory as well that you can tour, but for sit-down treats it’s to die for.

      Also, the Blue Ridge Biscuit Company, which is properly in Black Mountain but IMO a must. HUGE biscuits, delicious toppings of all kinds. There’s a long line especially on weekends, so get there early.

      1. beep beep*

        Oh, and for tourist-y things, look around for a glassblowing shop. There’s a few indie offerings that sell pieces and do tours!

  30. Hello*

    This all so very high school drama… in my 40s, but I need to vent big time.

    25+ years ago when in college, I had a “friend” group. We all got along well. I was definitley the studious one of the group and the one who took responsibilities more seriously. I admit I enjoyed parties and get togethers, but I was not one to party all night and was usually the first to leave. When it came time to figure out housing for the next year, I suddenly noticed a lot of mean girl tactics in the weeks before. I was told in a very cruel way that would not be rooming with them. Apparently I didn’t party enough and was too boring. They did not even want to be acquaintances with me. I ran into a professor at an off campus cafe once who I guess saw things unfolding from the sidelines and told me that I was handling things better than she was. It is what it is.

    I can see now it would not have been a good friendship fit/ better off as the occassional person to say hi to. However it hurt the way they went about doing this. I went from having a decent group of friends (yes there were some good times, even admitted by them) to being the odd person out because there wasn’t enough room for ONE housing scenario they thought of. It was the best thing that happened though. I made a great group of new friends that to this day are still amazing friends.

    Anyway when social media exploded (gosh am I that old?!) the former friend group had friended me. They are all still friends. It was actually nice to catch up over different messaging aps. I realized that I had moved on. With the exception of college years I have lived in the NYC area and throughout major cities on the East Coast.

    Now that we’re all of an age where fun trips are financially possible this group (individually and together) want to come to NYC; I live near there now. I thought great it will be a great time to catch up for a coffee. We’ve all changed, I’m not the same person I was 25+ years ago. But apparently according to them, we were such great friends in college, they want me to act as personal tour guide and hotel. Bonus (and just a guess based on conversations) since I live in a high cost of living area, I am kind of under the impression they assume I can afford part of the touristy admission prices and meals with visitors.

    Hard stop no, this is not happening. I would love to catch up. Like I said there were some fun times. However we haven’t been friends for 25+ years. To me they are mere acquaintances. I would never impose on an acquaintance this way. To them I am throwing away all the good times and rude given the high COL in NYC. Yes I realize they are trying to use me as a way to see NYC more cheaply. I have been very direct that I have a crazy schedule and a coffee would be great, but other than that I am not able to play tour guide.

    I’m just shocked that I’m still getting messages with them trying to plan something.

    This is must be what high school life in your 40s looks like. sigh

    1. sswj*

      You’ve grown up and moved on, they apparently have not. They see you as useful to them, and not really a friend – friends don’t do that to each other. Good for you for the hard stop!

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Yep. This sounds like just another variation on their mean girl behavior all those years ago.

        Even meeting for coffee would be off the table for me at this point.

      2. Hello*

        Thank you. I hope they are starting (probably not) to realize they are rewriting history. Some of their newer messages are “that year was soooo fun, remember when we did xyz”…. And then I get a stunned response when I reply “nope I must not have been included in that outing”.

        2. Owler*

          I’d been tempted to say something like, “why is this so surprising? You all excluded me when you moved to TooSmall House, so I was only on the periphery of your group for freshman year. I’d be happy to gather for coffee once, but anything more is too much “

    2. WellRed*

      I’m not so surprised by the tour guide part but I’m fascinated by why they think you’d pay for admission costs etc.

        1. Academic Librarian too*

          I had had this with family members. Since I lived in NYC, I must be rich. So absurd.

        3. PollyQ*

          Holy crap, these people SUCK. I’d just block & unfriend them all at this point. They have absolutely nothing positive to contribute to your life.

          1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

            Yep. They unfriended her in real life a quarter century ago. Now she should do the same.

        4. Squirrel Nutkin*

          Oh, HELLLLLLLLLL no.

          Yeah, at this point, I’d say no coffee with them either. People who are that entitled do NOT deserve your time and attention, and certainly not your money. You can always block them, too, if they will not respect your boundary.

    3. Wi-fi seeker*

      They’re in your rear-view mirror for a reason. Good for you to say no. Follow your gut that says they’re just trying to use you, and stick to your guns. You don’t owe them anything.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If they were just strongly hinting at staying with you/having you be Julie the cruise director, I’d say gray rock them. Respond blandly and boringly, etc. “Sorry, I’m just slammed that week, coffee is all I can do!” Add a winky emoji or something.

      But they are flat-out telling you that you are throwing away all the (non-existent) good times because you are not underwriting them because you are rich? I’d block them and never look back. You can choose a middle ground, of course, but I certainly wouldn’t meet them in person at all. Stay Facebook acquaintances if you want to.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I’d suggest getting out of the “getting coffee” thing. All that’s likely to happen is that the mean girl behaviors will show up again. There will be no shared memories; instead, they will reminisce and you will feel the pain just as you did back then at being left out.

      Tell them no thanks. You are too busy–darn that huge project at work that came up suddenly–and can’t even meet for coffee. Then become a black hole to their texts and calls.

      1. JustForThis*

        … and it sounds like they will expect / demand that you pay for their coffees (and muffins, cakes, sandwiches etc.)

    6. AllTheBirds*

      To just assume that you’d be willing and able to host, plan and execute is… gobsmacking.

      1. Despachito*

        I would not do this to my own family and/or VERY close friends.

        To want it AS A GROUP, from ONE PERSON, wI only caught up with AFTER 20 YEARS, and whom we COLLECTIVELY SLIGHTED, and who is a MERE ACQUINTANCE now – NO, NOPE, NEGATIVE, NEVER, NO WAY.

        And they even dare to insinuate that, given all the above, you would be a bad person if you refused to host, wine and dine them?

        Definitely NO. I cannot imagine even the coffee not being hurtful.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Well, one would hope that people with a shallow, immature perspective and a self-serving definition of friendship would grow out of it.

      But it’s not surprising that they didn’t.

      There’s a saying that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I guess you raised your average by finding a new group, and since they stayed together, they did not.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      This cake needs to go back in the oven and allowed to bake some more… like another 20 years. I am sure you can fill your time well over those years.

    9. I'm Done*

      I would totally ghost them. Break off contact without further notice. You were deemed not good enough to be their friend but you’re now good enough to be taken advantage of. All I can say is good riddance looking backward and forward.

    10. Batgirl*

      As you were telling this story, I was amazed that you were able to stay any kind of friends with people like this, because I have never managed to pull that off. I was super looking for what your secret was with The Selfish! Sure, they can be fun when everything is fun and easy, but the selfishness thing is always there waiting to smack you in the face with the least notice. Even though I default-expect that, their presumptuousness is just gasp-worthy, even for someone as cynical as me. They are just envious mooches, plain and simple. You could probably have a nice coffee with them, since they know how to be fun, but they could just as easily expect you to pay for everyone’s coffee, or spend the whole time talking about times you were excluded, because they don’t remember (or care) that they excluded you. I would block and not look back at this point.

    11. Bob-White of the Glen*

      Late to the party as usual – but please let us know what happens!

      I’m voting for blocking and forgetting too.

  31. Nora without an h*

    We might travel to Singapore super last minute very soon. Is there anything we should book in advance? If we get to go, we’ll spend a week there. We’re planning to figure most things out as we’re there but we want to make sure we’re not missing out on something if it’s booked out.

  32. NoLongerFencer*

    Slight TMI, 8-9 weeks postpartum…anyone else get 2 periods in 1 month postpartum? (I already messaged my OB twice). Checking anecdotally.

    1. Forensic13*

      Yes! Did you swap birth control? I did and ended up having THREE in five weeks and angrily called my regular GP to swap me back because come on.

      She’s female which I suspect helped make that a conversation that needed absolutely no discussion.

    2. Stitch*

      Are you breastfeeding? That really messes with your hormones.

      And/or are you on that low dose progesterone only pill? I had constant spotting on that even setting an alarm to take it.

      If you’re having really heavy bleeding call your OB, as it may not be a true period. You’re definitely still in the physical recovery stage.

      1. NoLongerFencer*

        Exclusively pumping, no progesterone. Good to know! Hormones are weird, I’m on Zyrtec for hives too…

    3. Aealias*

      Oh yeah, postpartum was weird. Irregular and heavy periods for quite a while. It took a long time for my hormones to settle down, between pregnancy and breastfeeding. Until or unless your OB says otherwise, I wouldn’t be too concerned.

    4. Generic Name*

      Yeah, postpartum hormones can be really wacky. If you don’t want to get pregnant right now, I suggest talking to your dr about birth control or using barrier methods.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I just kind of had wierd stuff happening across the board. With the first one, I didn’t have a recognizable period until 4 months, but I was bleeding and spotting off and on for the whole first 5-6 weeks, IIRC.

      With the second, it’s all a blur and I had no concept of time anyway.

      1. allathian*

        Same for me, and my son was also getting formula supplements as soon as we got home from the hospital. His birth weight was so low that he wasn’t allowed to lose any of it, so he got donated breast milk (thanks all milk donors!) for as long as we were in hospital.

        The postpartum hormones were weird. I’m grateful that my husband loved me enough to stay with us, it was hard.

  33. Chauncy Gardener*

    Does anyone make their own herbal/plant/whatever remedies? I just made a dandelion salve because I realized all those lovely dandelions in my yard were going to waste and searched around for some way to use them. And you know what? It really helps my arthritic hands, knees…..everything.
    So does anyone else make stuff like this and if so, what and how?
    TIA!

    1. Blue wall*

      There’s a whole herbal world out there for your perusal. Dandelion root is great for the liver.

    2. fueled by coffee*

      I’m sure you know this, but caveat that herbal remedies are good for symptoms, but you should always check out underlying causes with a doctor; also, if you’re on any kind of medication, check with your doctor that anything herbal you’re taking won’t interact weirdly with them (I know St. John’s Wort is a big culprit for this, along with some other things).

      Beyond that, though, I use ginger in teas for cramps & nausea. Aloe for sunburn and minor scrapes (as in, I literally have a potted aloe plant and cut off a piece when I get sunburned). There are also lots of recipes for face masks/lip balms/etc. made with natural ingredients; I used to make my own chapstick in high school using beeswax, coconut oil, and peppermint.

      1. Salymander*

        I knew a woman that kept taking “anti-arthritis” tea as well as the arthritis medication her doctor prescribed. When she started having a very, very upset stomach, she admitted to the doctor that she had been drinking the tea. Turns out the tea was mainly willow bark. Willow bark contains salicin, which is similar to aspirin and an anti-inflammatory. The doctor was prescribing anti-inflammatory drugs in addition to her other meds, and this combined with the salicin just overwhelmed her stomach. The woman was fine once she stopped the tea/medication combo, but she spent a few days feeling like she was trying to expel her stomach through her mouth. Serious vomiting.

        I use some herbal remedies sometimes, but having seen irresponsible misuse of herbs has made me a whole lot more careful for sure.

        1. fueled by coffee*

          Oh no, I’m so glad she figured that out.

          But it’s exactly this – herbal medicines are medicines, and if it’s not something you’d eat in your ordinary diet, you should probably check in with a healthcare provider to make sure it’s safe for you.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Nothing complicated, but I make tea from the fresh mint and thyme in my garden when I have congestion, sore throat or a wet cough. It tastes nice, smelling the steam helps open up your nose, and the tea is a mild expectorant.

      Not as a substitute for real medicine, but in conjunction with it. As a matter of fact, the pollen count is so high right now that my allergy meds can’t keep up and my ears are clogged. I might go make some today.

      We keep a ginger “bug” fermenting to make fresh ginger ale. The ginger and probiotics are great for stomach problems and just yummy. Fresh ginger tea is also good for queasiness, and if you make it very strong from the whole root it seems to help kick a minor cold quicker (back when we didn’t have to worry about minor colds).

      We also keep an aloe in the kitchen for minor finger burns or bug bites.

      From time to time in my youth I would do a garlic “cure” if I felt a cold coming on – eat a whole head of raw garlic and go to bed for the day to sweat it out. This was a popular home remedy among performers who needed to be back in top form quickly. I couldn’t just scarf it like some of my buddies, but I’d heat up a cup of chicken broth, crush all the garlic into it, and chug it. I have no idea if it did anything or was a placebo, but it seemed to work. Of course, being 25 and fit probably was the real magic ingredient.

    5. BugHuntress*

      I’ve wanted to do this but haven’t yet! I like to make quick pickles (radishes, beets, red onions etc)

    6. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Marijuana liniment works great on sore muscles and spasms. Just toss the stems into isopropyl alcohol and let it steep for a week.

      Cheap and very effective. Grandma loves it.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Thank you everyone! This is exactly the kind of info I was hoping to receive from this illustrious body of Very Cool People

    8. Salymander*

      I grow a lot of different types of mint, and they are great when my allergies and asthma are acting up. I breathe in the steam for 10 minutes or so and then I drink it. I also make teas with other plants in my garden. Mint tea was also really nice when I had terrible food poisoning once, as everything tastes like vomit after a couple of days vomiting. The mint smell cut through the gross pukeyness. Rose hips, lemongrass, chamomile, and lemon balm make a nice tea for when I am stressed and feeling like I’m getting sick because I’m not sleeping well. Candied ginger is good when I feel queasy. When my scalp is itchy, I make a strong rosemary tea and let it cool off, then use as a hair rinse. I keep aloe at home for skin issues including insect stings, but at my community garden I crush up purslane leaves and use the juice on insect stings. We have trouble with wasps who build nests at the garden, and I have been stung a few times. I use calendula flower tea as a skin rinse sometimes, and I sprinkle the petals in the water along with lavender blossoms when I soak my sore feet. I grind up blanched almonds and mix them with lavender and calendula to make a hand scrub when my hands get really dirty but also super dry and chapped from working in the garden.

      My neighbour used to make dandelion wine. I was a child at the time, so I never tried it and don’t know how it is made, but the idea always intrigued me. The neighbour told me that dandelion root was a very healthful thing for the body. Not sure why. I eat the leaves in salad sometimes, along with purslane, mallow fruits, and a few other wild edible plants.

      1. allathian*

        You can also roast the dandelion root and use it to make a coffee substitute. It’s apparently one of the better ones, although I’ve never tried it. Might have to, if coffee prices keep increasing like they have, though…

    9. Batgirl*

      My favourite is probably marjoram essential (wild oregano) added to a base oil as a warming rub for cramps and aches, especially menstrual. There have been times in a pinch when I have just used the dried herb oregano in olive oil and it still works pretty well.

  34. Teapot Translator*

    I may be going to Portugal this summer for two weeks. Any recommendations? I won’t be renting a car because I hate driving in my own country where I know the roads, so I will certainly hate it abroad.

    1. Liz in the Midwest*

      Where are you headed in Portugal? If you like wine, there are really cool tours you can do from Porto, going to vineyards and sampling port and stuff.

    2. Portugal lover*

      I LOVEEE PORTUGAL! It’s my absolute favorite country in Europe. I prefer our over Spain and even Italy! You really can’t go wrong anywhere you go.

      Here was my itinerary over 2 weeks:

      Arrived in Lisbon, stayed one night then took bus to Carvoeiro.

      Carvoeiro is a picturesque seaside town filled with reddish cliffs and turquoise waters. It’s an absolute dream and I want to live there one day. You can do all kinds of things – beach hop, explore the sea caves by kayak, explore the town, enjoy the most marvelous sunsets, the wine is superb.

      Then we took the train to Porto. I’ve never fallen more in love with a city upon arrival. It’s so stunning, exactly what you picture from a Mediterranean seaside town. The food is phenomenal (highly recommend Puro 4050), you can take a port wine or wine tour in the Duro region, visit the town across the way Vila de Nova Gaia, watch the sunset from the bridge, the shops/cafes/restaurants are endless. So many cute streets and alleys to get lost in. My husband and I were so enamored with the town we didn’t plan much but there are tons of museums and cultural things to do. We planned on spending more time in Lisbon but cut that part of our trip short to stay in Porto.

      Last night in Lisbon, which I’d love to explore more!

      Here are other places on my list:

      Cascais, Sintra, Ericeira, Aveiro, Abuferira

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I read I can get to Sintra from Lisbon for a day trip. It’s on the list!

          1. pancakes*

            It’s an easy day trip and I highly recommend it. I went to Portugal by myself for 10 days, not speaking a word of Portuguese, and had no trouble getting around by train.

      2. Cendol*

        This is brilliant. I’m saving this! No plans to go to Portugal in the immediate future but it is a dream of mine.

        1. Portugal lover*

          Thank you! For Carvoeiro we stayed at O Castelo Guest House. We had a big room with an ocean view and balcony for 80 euros a night. Sign me the f up!!! It was so lush!!

          In Porto we found this gem hidden in the cliffs called Arco Apartments.

          I love love love Portugal so much and am constantly looking at real estate there in my dreamland moments

    3. StellaBella*

      All I can say is do not go to Lisbon 27 June to 1 July, there is a UN Ocean conference there and the city is fully booked. Otherwise have a great holiday!

      1. pancakes*

        When I went to Portugal in the late 90s my flight out was delayed for some reason, and the airline couldn’t put us up in Lisbon because there was some big conference happening. Maybe about the euro? I know Bill Clinton was in town for it. The only hotel with enough rooms for all of us turned out to be a lovely beachfront hotel in Estoril. The airline supplied plenty of wine over the lunch at which they told us this, and many of us apparently enjoyed the contents of our minibars when we got to the hotel as well. I joined a tipsy group that wandered over to the casino nearby, and won enough playing blackjack to pay for my round-trip fight, around $400 at the time. It could’ve been awful but it ended up being a spectacularly fun delay.

  35. Serenity Now; Firefly Class*

    I’m going to the Downton Abbey movie, and the theatre is hosting a “tea event” before. We are supposed to dress up (hats suggested) and can discuss the movie and get a commemorative tea spoon.

    I hope it’s cheesy and over the top and tons of fun.

    1. DarthVelma*

      Oh, tea can be SO much fun. My partner’s aunt had a birthday tea a few years back at local hotel known for its tea time. It was delightful. So many tasty little foodstuffs. And there were hats. :-)

      I hope your experience is just as wonderful.

    2. bassclefchick*

      I’m going to see it today! My movie theater created a cocktail, but they aren’t having a tea. That sounds really fun! Have you been listening to the Downton Abbey podcast? It’s so good! Interviews with Julian Fellowes and the cast.

      1. Serenity Now; Firefly Class*

        What cocktail did they create?

        The tea wasn’t great, but that macaroons were delish.

        I liked the 2nd movie better than the first.

    3. Stitch*

      That sounds completely amazing. I’ve been really wanting to try a proper tea event. Some place near me is doing a tea package for the Queen’s Jubilee (scones with clotted cream, sausage rolls, battenberg cake) and I’m really tempted.

    4. Sunshine*

      I love it. I recently learned that my kids are going to phase out of tea parties more quickly than I realized. We are trying to have more. And we need more reasons for hats!

    5. Chaordic One*

      My Friends of the Library Group hosted a tea for the finale of the TV series on PBS. The final episode was shown in a theater like multi-purpose activity room with the special projector system that is mostly used for showing simulcasts of Metropolitan Opera performances. The Friends all dressed up as butlers and maids and served treats. It was a hoot.

  36. Sunflower*

    Question about medical billing. I went to the derm last week for the first time ever. She does both medical and cosmetic.

    I’ve never been to a derm before and made it clear I wanted a medical health skin check but would be interested in cosmetic at some point- the receptionist said it would be $350 and billed to insurance. I got there and filled out the intake form and included the cosmetic part for their records- the receptionist said there was an additional fee for the cosmetic consultation and my total would be $450. I assumed she would bill $350 to insurance and the $100 would be paid by me. My doctor gave me a skincare routine and agreed no Botox, etc is needed at this time. After the appointment, the receptionist told me it’s all billed as a cosmetic appointment so nothing can be billed to medical and the doctor did the skin health check as a courtesy. She said I can use this $450 towards procedures but we agreed that I don’t need anything at this time.

    I’m not super familiar with all of this but just wondering if I have any shot at going back and asking if the skin check can be re-coded as medical. I haven’t hit my deductible yet so I’ll still be paying it OOP but I was really hoping this appointment would get me close to my deductible so my other ongoing appointments can be covered at 90% vs full cost.

    1. Doctor is In*

      I would ask the skin check to be rebilled. Sounds like the receptionist did a bait and switch.

    2. 1234*

      Might as well ask to have it recoded – point out the initial convo
      I hate the insurance system….

    3. Esmeralda*

      I would insist on having it rebilled.

      And if they are resistant and/or you don’t get an apology, find another dermatologist.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        It might be that a single visit can’t be split into medical and cosmetic. For quite a while, my insurance would have one free wellness check at my primary doctor each year, but there were limits on what we could discuss at those – anything NOT part of the well check had to be scheduled for a separate visit or it wasn’t covered. Fortunately, my insurance decided to make all primary visits free. Yay! My dermatologist removed a mole for cosmetic reasons, but because I’d had skin cancer, he took it off and sent it in as a biopsy, which was covered. Lovely person.

  37. Lcsa99*

    TL/DR: My mother’s ex-landlord is demanding payment for damages to his apartment for the first time a full year after she moved out. Does he have any case?

    Longer version: My mother moved into an assisted living facility 13 months ago. Before that, she lived in a run-down apartment. Because of her health and lack of money, we paid the woman who had been helping her to thoroughly clean the apartment when my mother moved out. They sent us pictures and we were satisfied with what we saw — except she warned us that steam-cleaning the carpet didn’t really get the smells out of the carpet but that the landlord would likely be replacing it anyway. We paid my mother’s arrears on her rent, she moved into assisted living and everything seemed fine.

    A year later, my mother suddenly started receiving letters from the old landlord, demanding payment for a new carpet, as well as what he perceives to be an unclean oven (I can share pictures in a comment) and dirt behind the refrigerator. She’s getting letters at regular intervals, each one adding more items and interest. What was a demand for $600 is now $900. We’ve asked to read her lease to see if it had any unusual clauses about damages or cleaning but she hasn’t sent it to us yet.

    She wants to find a way to pay his bill (despite literally all her money going to pay the assisted living facility bill) and make the problem go away. We’re leery of this. We think if we pay it, he’ll just invent new complaints and demand more money from her. She previously bought a new oven for the place herself, and he added fees to her rent for hauling away the old one even though she could have had it done free. He told her he wanted to keep it. So this is a pattern.

    While we would have understood if she got a bill for damages promptly, the fact that she got the first demand for money a year later seems very sketchy to us. Particularly since he apparently has been living there since she moved out. How do we know that the additional damages the landlord claims weren’t caused by a squatter or the landlord himself? Is there normally a statute of limitations on this sort of thing? We are advising her to ignore the letters, but realistically, is there any chance of her landing in legal trouble over this? Thanks in advance.

    3. Hoooot dog*

      This seems very odd a year later! If you have a friend in the law, perhaps a cease and desist letter would work – it can show you’re not going to take it lying down. Your mother’s finances may also allow her a legal aid attorney if this ends up in court, which is realistically the only way I can imagine him getting this money. If you have the emails about the oven that might help your case, it sounds like your mother paid for a new oven that he’s kept. I’m sorry this is happening.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Look for a tenant’s right group or similar in that area, they should be able to tell you the rules. My guess is he’s just being an asshole trying to scam an old lady. The laws in the areas I know are quite clear about how long the landlord has to claim damages, and it’s not a year later.

      1. Stitch*

        I think my comment is in moderation because I included a link but I checked and most states have an explicit time limit which is usually well under a year.

        It is state dependent but you should be able to look it up pretty easily (if OP lists the state, I can look it up for her).

        1. Lcsa99*

          She’s in Oregon. I can’t seem to find anything that says how long a landlord has there.

          1. Glomarization, Esq.*

            Likely one year. (NOTE: I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice. Will follow up with a link for information.)

            1. Glomarization, Esq.*

              This booklet states it’s a one-year statute of limitations (the period within which the landlord must bring a claim to court before their time runs out): (PDF).

              Law nerds can dig OR Rev Stat § 12.125: An action arising under a rental agreement or ORS chapter 90 [Oregon’s landlord-tenant statute] shall be commenced within one year.

              LW should talk to a lawyer or a tenants’ rights organization.

      2. 1234*

        also, isn’t this what the security deposit for? In my region landlords have a certain number of days to return your deposit or keep it (in whole or part) but they must send an itemized list of why they are keeping it. Also, certain things (repainting* unless you’ve done sig damage) are a “cost of doing business”. I suspect billing for beyond the security deposit (if allowed at all) would also be subject to a time frame.

        1. Random Bystander*

          Yes, wear-and-tear is not permitted to be deducted from the security deposit in the states I’ve lived in (NY and IL). So, a worn-out carpet is wear-and-tear (on the landlord to replace) but if there is a big stain that wasn’t there when the tenant moved in, the cost of restoring to clean or replacing if impossible to remove can be charged against the deposit.

          Skeevy landlord can take it to small claims court (where he will lose vs OP’s pictures from cleaning on leaving). If there has been another resident in between the time that tenant vacated and request for additional payments for “damages”, it certainly is suspect (probably cannot win in court). Push back hard (cease and desist letter), and he’ll either shut up (because he thought the mother was a push over who’d pay to make him go away) or file (if he’s truly that stupid)–and I’m just the sort that if he did file, I’d file a countersuit for return of the security deposit in full + interest (if permitted in that state–it was in NY).

    5. WellRed*

      He should have made his demands at the time, like in a walkthrough when you hand back keys. Even then the rug request would be sketchy unless you mom set fire to it or something. Pay a lawyer to send this guy a legal eff off letter.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This is what I was going to say–a few hundred dollars for a lawyer to write a cease and desist. Coming a year later rather than within a couple of weeks of her moving out is highly sketchy. (On looking back at your question, your very words! Yes, this is sketch.

        Replacing the rug between tenants I view as an apartment norm. Dirt behind the refrigerator–who would know? Does he have dated photographs of how it was sparkly clean back there before she moved in, and dirty on the day she moved out? Guessing no. This seems like he spent a year muttering about the carpet actually undergoing wear and tear over years of use and this month finally talked himself into trying to shake loose some money.

    6. the cat's ass*

      Nopeity nope nope nope! I think the landlord is SOL on this one; most states have a time limit for things after the tenant moves out; I always do a walk through with the housemate before they surrender the keys, and make an estimate about how long it’ll take to clean the place and they then get back most of their security deposit (cleaning fee deducted, it’s never much) within 10 days because that’s the law where i live. So 13 months later he’s complaining about the oven and behind the fridge?!? Sounds very scammy to me. Hope you have a friend in the legal world who can write a cease and desist letter for you and you mom, who shouldn’t have to worry about this.

      1. Hooot doog*

        I agree, sounds scammy. He probably took advantage of your mother before and has now run into some financial issues and either thinks he can get quick cash threatening her or is blaming her for his problems now (sorry buddy SOL, you can’t come back a year later). Sadly, there are people who target seniors for scams, and in fact I once heard marketers pay top dollar for lists of seniors who are easily confused / have memory issues because they can be so lucrative to target. It’s a crappy world, protect your poor mother.

    7. Not A Manager*

      If you can afford it, hire a lawyer to write him a very stern letter about harassing an elderly person with bogus claims. If not, contact your Department of Aging. Even the social worker at the assisted living facility might be able to help point you to assistance.

      There are absolutely statutes of limitations regarding claims like this, and furthermore, even if there weren’t, he’s destroyed any claim he might have by living in the unit for a year(!) before claiming that she left damage. I’d also have the lawyer letter summarize any claims that you have regarding over-charges and things like hauling the oven, and tell him that you’re planning to make a counter-claim/file a complaint with the authorities.

    8. Lcsa99*

      Thanks, everyone. This guy is definitely a jerk.

      I need to ask her about the security deposit as we never mentioned it when she moved out. Also hoping she can find the lease to assure that he didn’t add some weird clause.

      Unfortunately, we don’t have any attorney friends, and we live in different states, but maybe we can see if legal zoom or something similar can help. I am just concerned that if we engage with this guy, it will make him dig in his heels.

      1. Fulana del Tal*

        -Your landlord must return your deposit within 31 days after the termination of the tenancy and the delivery of the rental unit to the landlord. (Note that both conditions must be satisfied before the 31-day clock starts ticking). If your landlord keeps any part of your deposit, he or she must notify you in writing and tell you why. This notice, which is also called an accounting, along with any portion of your deposit that is being refunded, must be personally delivered or mailed within 31 days. If your landlord wrongfully keeps part or all of the money, you have up to one year to settle the matter or file a lawsuit for up to twice the amount of the money your landlord kept—

        This is the info I found out. So he doesn’t have a case and unfortunately neither does your mom if you never received the security back.

      2. Aphrodite*

        Can you have someone at the facility intercept the letters from him and send them to you so she doesn’t even see them. Honestly, I would just ignore all demands. Ignore him. He will eventually either go away or file a small claims suit, and then he’d have to explain to the judge why he (1) waited a year to claim damages; (2) thinks she should pay for those alleged damages after someone else (himself) has lived there for that year; and (3) thinks former tenant should pay for new carpeting unless she lived there for less than one year.

        No, he’s just a scammer. Ignore, delete and forget. He’ll eventually get tired of putting forth effort with no results and there is no way he’ll risk going to any court (which would expose his sleazy illegal practices to someone who might notify the right authorities).

  38. Savings recommendations*

    Do folks know of banks or banking apps (USA) that automatically divvy up some of your paycheck/deposits to different savings goals? I seem to remember a thread about it a while back. Did I remember to take down everyone’s great recommendations then? No, no I did not. Appreciate any suggestions!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I split my direct deposit among several banks through our payroll system, then have automatic transfers set up through Capital One (my primary bank) every payday to further sub-divide into multiple savings accounts, if that’s the kind of thing you mean.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came here to say this. Just do it through your payroll system at work. There’s no fee for this service

    4. Generic Name*

      I have my direct deposit set to put a portion into savings and the remainder into checking.

    5. MaryLoo*

      You should be able to have your payroll department at your job do your direct deposit to more than one place. I did this at several jobs – put one amount in a checking account and a smaller amount in a savings account at at a different bank (each bank had a “no fee if you gave direct deposit” account.

      It was a painless way to save, because the savings account money was out of sight, out of mind, and we budgeted based on what was going into the checking account.

    6. North Wind*

      OneFinance *almost* does this. It’s an online-only bank where you can create separate “pockets” for different saving or spending needs. Each pocket is actually a separate child account (with it’s own account number and virtual debit card number). So if you set up a pocket for say online streaming tv subscriptions, you can set up the subscription with this particular pocket’s virtual debit card number. If you don’t fund this pocket or you delete this pocket, the subscriptions can’t get to your other money.

      So it allows you to well and truly separate your money for different purposes, but it doesn’t divvy it up *automatically*, which seems like a massive oversight in an otherwise well thought-out system. I’m self-employed and use this to separate out money for various business expenses, health insurance, hsa, taxes, etc. What I do is put the amount of money I need in the pocket each month (or year or quarter, as the case may be) right in the pocket name, so it only takes a few minutes to divvy the money into the pockets.

    7. Savings recommendations*

      Thanks guys! I think Ally, Yotta, and One Finance are the type of thing I’m thinking about, where I can have multiple savings pots for different goals.

      1. Belle*

        CapitalOne also let’s you do this. I have my paycheck deposited into the checking and then it automatically moves the amounts I set up to savings accounts for different purposes (e fund, car repairs, travel, etc).

    8. beach read*

      PNC offers an account called Virtual Wallet. It’s a terrific money management system and easy to use. Check it out!

  39. Championship Sunday!*

    Someone did a Premier League thread a few weeks ago and it feels right to bring it back with the season ending tomorrow.

    How is everyone feeling about their teams?? I’m an Arsenal fan, and honestly my thoughts are basically: (1) if you had told me at the start of the season we’d be disappointed missing out on 4th I never would have believed you, so this season has been such a huge improvement; (2) I hope those nice boys get a month off to rest because they all look shattered; and (3) that promo video for next season’s kit made me tear up, so well done you monsters.

    1. YNWA*

      Liverpool fan since 1992. I’ve already mourned the league title (City just doesn’t make many mistakes and we need them to really drop it) and have solace in the Carabou cup, FA Cup, and (fingers crossed) Champions League. Mostly we’re just watching the relegation battles and the battles for Europa.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m a Wolves fan. Things were going okay until a couple of months ago, but for now we can apparently draw, but not win. We’re playing Liverpool tomorrow and unless they have 5 players sent off, we’re probably going to lose.
      I think our current manager is fine, we’ve just had a crappy run of matches for no real reason. I have a feeling we’ll have a new manager next season, but who knows?

    3. londonedit*

      I’m a Manchester United fan, I don’t think I need to say any more! Absolutely no idea how we managed to avoid the European Vauxhall Conference but I’ll look forward to another season embarrassing ourselves in the Europa League. Best of British to Ten Hag, he’s going to need it!

  40. Hoooot dog*

    Ok, this is my first summer with my new dog. He’s a rescue, six years old, 80 pounds, fluffy. Everyone and their mother has told me *not* to shave him because he is a double-coated breed. Y’all, this is the very first weekend of heat and he seems like he’s totally overheating, even indoors. He just never stops panting! Even when he’s seemingly asleep he’s huffing. I’ve turned the AC up twice. I’ve asked the vet if this could be a medical issue (he does have nasty allergies and is medicated for them / we’re on a food elimination diet, not sure if that could be related). Vet didn’t seem too concerned. Is this just how dogs are? I’m worried he’s going to be absolutely miserable all summer and I don’t see how I’ll be able to walk him or do anything with him at all … and he doesn’t really like to be left alone indoors either, so this is not going to be fun for anyone.

    1. Hoooot dog*

      Here’s what I’ve tried: a cooling mat (he seems indifferent, moves away from it when I put it under his paws or head) – spraying him with water, offering him ice water to drink, giving him an ice pack or frozen water bottle (he loathes the ice pack), trying to get him set up directly in front of the AC vent (he moves away), fans (the internet says fans don’t work for dogs very well bc they don’t sweat). Wetting the grass and letting him sit in the shade.

      1. crookedglasses*

        FWIW, I got my dog a cooling mat last year and for the most part, she studiously ignored it. Often she would lay next to it but not on it, even while clearly being uncomfortably warm.

        This year has been a different story, she’s been sleeping on it much more regularly. No idea what switch flipped for her, but I’m glad I kept it around just in case. Good luck!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        If he’s moving away from the cooling options you offer, I’d guess that’s not what’s going on with him.

        I know nothing about grooming per se, but have seen people who shave the animal’s belly in summer. It makes lying on anything cooling more effective. Maybe ask a groomer about that option?

      3. Spessartine*

        If you have the space outside, try a kiddie pool! We had a fluffy dog when I was a kid and in the summer he’d get so hot, but he loved his kiddie pool. He never lay down and soaked in it or anything but he’d splash around and put his whole head into the water. Sometimes we’d add ice cubes. Doesn’t help for indoor overheating but if your pup likes to be outside he might enjoy it. Our dog hated baths but would hang out in that pool for a long time.

        1. Hoooot dog*

          I’m going to try this, I think he would really like it! He’s a working breed (ish) and he much prefers to be outside or on the screen porch, especially if I leave him, but – it’ll be sooo hot out there in the summer, even if it’s shaded/gets a breeze – considering that he seems miserable indoors with the AC. It’s just so muggy here too, and the internet really scared me with all the warnings about how quickly dogs can overhead even if it’s just 80 degrees out, and we get a LOT hotter than that for long stretches of the summer. Maybe if I fill a pool for him it’ll be more workable.

        2. Salymander*

          Yes! We had a kiddie pool for our double coated dog and he liked it. He would stand in the water and gaze around the yard, and dunk his toys in the pool when we told him that the toy needed to “cool off.” All the toys had names, so we would say, “Red Guy needs to cool off,” and he would go and pick up Red Guy and drop him in the pool. It was a good way to keep our too-smart-for-his-own-good dog both occupied and cool.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Has he been brushed thoroughly and regularly? If he’s still shedding his winter coat then the extra fur will keep him warmer. I’m not very dog knowledgeable, but the fur definitely transfers from cats. Make sure he’s got plenty of fresh water too.

    3. ecnaseener*

      Any chance he was shaved previously? If he’s lost his double coat, then he’s not protected from the heat.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      With my GSD mix breed I use a cool wet wash cloth and wipe down his legs/paws and tummy after he’sbeen playing outside in the heat. At first he’s usually more interested in eating the washcloth, but eventually he’ll calm down and cool off. I make sure he has lots of cool water. The dish that’s kept outside needs to be changed and moved a few times a day so it’s not sitting in the sun getting hot. It doesn’t need to be ice water, which seems to bother him having things floating in his water, just cool. Anything that’s too cold might actually be an unpleasant shock instead of helping.

    5. Generic Name*

      Dogs with fluffy coats often shed fur when the weather gets warm. I’d brush him or take him to the groomers to see if you can get any excess fur out. If you have a yard, some dogs will play in a kiddie pool or in a sprinkler. Or you could hose him down too.

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Dogs don’t sweat, they pant instead. So panting with a dog is like sweating with a human-it means they’re warm, but not necessarily overheating. You’ll want to look at other behavior instead. Does he act uncomfortable and exhausted? Is he seeking cool spots in the shade? Or is he perky and running around like normal?

      Try to have walks and exercise in the cool of the morning or evening. Make sure he has access to plenty of cool water. Also make sure he has a cool spot available indoors and out. A tile bathroom or kitchen with a fan is great for indoors, cool bare dirt under bushes or trees for outdoors.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so this sounds like he has not had a full year with you yet? If yes, he may just be anxious on the inside still adjusting to his new life. Maybe he was not protected from extremes in temps by his previous owner?

      Can you remember a time where you were nervous, worried and with a group of people? The room got hotter didn’t it? You probably felt warmer than you anticipated you would, maybe you suddenly realized you had worn too many clothes. This is what nervousness does.

      I think I would look at stuff for calming. I don’t think he wants/needs walks right now, he needs to see and be in his new home. I’d give it some time (months? maybe September?) and see what changes. You can put some soft music on for him when you have to leave for a bit. Maybe you can set a box fan on the floor for him.

      Oddly my other suggestion is to play with him in your AC’ed home. Use this time of not-taking-walks to do some serious relationship building. My guess is that he is afraid he will lose you too. Decide to be his Rock. And try not to let your concerns right now show too much. There is a good chance that he would misread your tension as something it is not.

      1. Hoooot dog*

        Right, he’s not brand new (six months) but it hasn’t been a year yet either, and this is our first summer together. Maybe it is stress. For one or both of us!

      2. WellRed*

        You cannot seriously be advocating no walks for an 80 pound dog? Or any dog for that matter.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Not in heat and not if the animal seems upset by it. This is something that can be built up gradually.

    8. SnootyGirl*

      In order to help cool my animals for the summer, I would use a shedding blade to groom them. A shedding blade has a handle and either a round or oblong steel band with serrated teeth along each edge. You just comb it over their fur (warning – do this outside as you will not believe how much fur will come off) to help them shed their winter coats. My animals LOVED it when I did this.

    9. small town*

      Our best old dog has a heavy double coat. Always brushed, etc. He has his summer shave and is the happier for it. Just grows out and he is warm by the fall. It comes back, promise.

      1. Hoooot dog*

        I hear such different accounts! To me it seems like a no brainer to shave him; if I was wearing a thick heavy coat I’d want to take it off in the summer. But I’ve heard a) it’s actually insulating (?) or b) it won’t grow back correctly, and c) it will make him too oily / give him a strong scent because his skin will be producing oil for the fur he no longer has. As you see, a commenter above already suggested that if he’s ever been shaved the coat may not “work” any more. He’s a mutt so I’m not sure how I’d ever know the deal honestly.

  41. Trixie B*

    My SO was diagnosed with melanoma. PET -CT scan and MRI body scans are scheduled in a few weeks. Then a treatment course will be decided. What can we do to start preparing? How can I support my SO? What can we expect? I am not looking for medical advice. I want to add our relationship has been strained for sometime. My job is extremely stressful right now due my boss leaving and creating as much chaos as possible. My health isn’t the best. I need to get to a better mind set to support my SO, I will regret it if I don’t.

    1. Hoooot dog*

      Oh, I’m so sorry. This probably isn’t very helpful but when I had a loved one go through this, the main thing I learned was just asking and listening to them, and not assuming I knew what they were feeling or wanted/needed. My loved one actually wanted to not talk about it much and keep things as normal as possible – they didn’t want to feel sick or pathetic and were focused on what was practical. We were all surprised by what foods sounded good to them or not throughout the course of chemo. They felt better than we expected for most of it, but wanted company for things. It was a lot of appointments and sitting around.

      1. Trixie B*

        Thank you for the reminder to talk about it on their terms . I needed this reminder.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Look into whether there is a cancer support center near you. (The oncologist’s office is a good resource here.) I was referred to mine by two different surgeons, and it was a tremendous help. Specific example: put me in touch with a local volunteer group to walk my dogs after my chest surgery, something I hadn’t imagined was even an option. Hopefully you have such a center, and the people who run it know what local resources exist and how to access them. (A lot of stuff is remote now, but carrying on.)

      Do you have an outside person to lean on, a friend or family member? We waited to tell our kids until they were home, but I told my husband he could tell his siblings if he needed someone. One of the most unhelpful things I’ve heard of people with cancer doing is designating their partner as the official Source of Support and then demanding secrecy from the rest of the family, and the support person is buckling. You need support for you (from people who aren’t him) so you can support him. (And a cancer support center might have a group dedicated to just this that you could join, often nowadays by zoom.)

    3. Anonymous healthcare person*

      Support groups of people with specific types of cancer and SOs/family members are often super-helpful – try Facebook, Google for your area, also call 211 for resources where you are. Also the treatment centre may well have info/support/social workers, even therapists sometimes, who can help. Given what’s going on for you, a therapist for you who understands cancer and caregiving might be really helpful – through your EAP at work if you have one, plus the suggestions above. Also, there is often a specific non-profit for particular types of cancer, and/or cancer generally (American Cancer Society, I think?) which again provides free resources, info, and sometimes even things like equipment rental or funding of various kinds.

      This will be HARD, you know that, but particularly given the preexisting relationship issues. I hope there are friends and family members who can also help your partner, to spell you off and also so that you are not the only/main support for them. Ask for help, be specific- can you pick up meds, walk the dog, get some groceries, drive to an appointment, hang out and chat, research resources. Some people will step up a lot and others won’t at all – and there are often volunteers who will help too, again using the above resources.

      GOOD LUCK! I hope you and your partner can get through this as well as possible.

    4. Well Spouse Association member*

      So sorry to hear this! I wish the best for you and your SO. I’ve recently taken this journey myself (with different diagnoses) so please don’t be offended if I speak too directly.

      I recommend that you find companions for your caregiving experience. You will need folks to whom you can vent safely and folks who share your experience. These two may or may not overlap. There is no substitute for being with other people who understand the apprehension, aggravation, and exhaustion of caring for a spouse, with or without additional challenges involving one’s relationship, personal health, and/or workplace.
      Well Spouse Association (https: ([slash slash] wellspouse.org [slash]) has virtual meetings which means no commuting time and no face-to-face contact during a pandemic. You can attend a couple of meetings before deciding whether to join WSA. You can also decide whether to attend meetings in your own time zone or a different one, if that works better for your schedule. Dues are modest and I believe they offer a sliding scale payment option.

      The internet has tons of information about spousal caregiving. YMMV — I found some helpful sources but also a lot of bland advice (“take five minutes a day for yourself” is hard to read when you’re overwhelmed beyond exhaustion) and a few not-my-own-religion viewpoints. But persevere. I hope things go well for you and your SO.

      More administrative & logistical advice: Use the pre-treatment time to catch up on your own health care (routine exams, dental care, etc.) because you will have less free time after your SO’s care commences. If you’re in the U.S. investigate your options for family medical leave and other time off. Catch up on laundry, streamline clutter, and create a way to corral medical bills, notes from meetings with care providers, and medical insurance statements. Find a pharmacy that’s competent, caring, and convenient. Bonus points if they deliver and this is financially feasible for you. Consider creating an account on caringbridge(dot)org so as to update friends and family with one single online posting. CaringBridge can also be used to organize meal providers or other assistance (drive SO to an appointment? Have someone handle outsourcing laundry to a wash-dry-fold service, mow the lawn, walk the dog, pick up groceries–unless you order online and take delivery?). You may also decide that certain activities are simply Not Happening Now.

      Not to be ghoulish but it also helps to decide and document all estate-related affairs (wills, beneficiaries on retirement accounts, financial and medical powers of attorney, advance medical directives). This is never fun but it’s worse to do if your SO is also in end-stage disease and perhaps unable to make decisions or sign documents. Also if you’re not legally married you may need to get watertight documentation so that you and your SO can make decisions instead of random “obvious” others selected by the government by default assumption. No judgment here! It’s just that you didn’t describe SO as a spouse. If you don’t want your SO’s parent/sibling/other to barge in, you may need serious documentation. Caveat: I am not a lawyer.

      Take care of yourself. As the air travel cliche goes, put on your own oxygen mask first. You don’t have to spend 3 days a week reading magazines but you can’t help anyone else if you are completely falling apart yourself. And trust yourself to do a good job. You sound organized and committed. You are stronger than you think. Internet hugs if you want them.

      Come back here for additional advice. There are lots of sensible, clear-thinking commenters here. And feel free to ignore any or all of my own comment if it doesn’t apply.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I’m very sorry that you are going through this. Please find a professional support person of your own if you can. I don’t think you can force yourself to “get in a better mind set” to be supportive if you already have a strained relationship. I think you need to really articulate and accept that your relationship is strained, AND that you are going to be as supportive as possible compatible with your own health and emotional safety. This might mean setting some explicit boundaries with your spouse.

      That might sound harsh, but I think that you will actually provide better support if you can give him 100% of whatever you choose to commit to, than if you try to commit to everything you think you “should” do (or that you think you will regret if you don’t do). Help him find other sources of support for things that you can’t commit to doing freely and with a good will, rather than trying to force yourself to do things that will make you angry and resentful.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The last paragraph Not A Manager has here is GOLD. You cannot do this alone, period. Start the conversation now of you the two of you can ask for help. This is more like a patchwork quilt than a formal plan. Maybe a neighbor will help with groceries. Maybe a family member will help with dr. appointments.

        At one point someone said something to me and I also said the same thing to my husband. “You no longer have the luxury of not seeking and accepting help.” Hard to hear the first time, but once the mindset shifts then doors can fly open. You can explain “this is a life event. Very few people go through life events alone and make out well. Very few, if any.”

        Another thought I used with my own husband is, “Let’s not kill off NSNR.” This meant I can’t take on everything, I can’t do everything and sometimes we will have to be satisfied with a less than ideal solution.

        Overall the number one most helpful thought I had is, “This is where life slows way down.” I did less than I would ordinarily, I expected less and I allotted extra time for just about everything. Walking from the house to the car was no long a few minutes, it was at least 15 minutes. (It’s about 40 feet in distance.)

        The second most helpful thing I did for myself, was to insist that I eat three times a day and I hydrate. And I insisted on rest/sleep. If I did not fuel up my own body neither one of us was going to be able to do anything.

        1. Not A Manager*

          My experience with my spouse was similar when he was going through cancer treatments. We definitely needed to find practical assistance and we also needed to be mindful of my own physical health and daily care.

          The trickier thing, in my opinion, is that cancer sucks, and people with cancer sometimes need a lot of emotional support. In our marriage I was already my spouse’s emotional caretaker in some respects, which I didn’t mind because our relationship wasn’t strained and he reciprocated in many ways prior to his diagnosis. After his diagnosis, and during his treatment, things became even more lop-sided because of course they did! He was physically sick and emotionally anguished. The thing I want to stress is, we had a really good, solid marriage and this was STILL very hard for me. I was emotionally exhausted and sometimes quite ambivalent.

          I have no idea what the stressors are Trixie B’s relationship. I assume that whatever they are, she’s not feeling maximally emotionally connected to her partner at this moment. Sometimes a big life crisis pulls people together and they feel closer and more connected than before. If this happens now, that would probably be a good outcome. But it might not happen. Trixie B might recognize that her spouse has really valid emotional needs during his treatment, and it still might be hard for her to meet them.

          If that occurs, I encourage you to sit with that. Think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you can help your spouse meet his immediate physical healthcare needs, that’s a lot. You might not be able to also be as emotionally supportive as frequently as you would like – or as he would like. This is where it can be helpful to both of you if there’s a deeper bench. Help him connect with his own family, friends, peer support group, or professionals. Be willing to say “I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I can’t talk with you about it right now/for this long/all the time.” Be willing to distinguish when your spouse *needs* you to make him meals or give him his meds, and when he prefers you to do that because cancer sucks and he’s sad. He might want you to be completely emotionally available all the time, but I promise that neither of you wants you to pretend to be emotionally available because you feel guilty, when really you’re ready to snap.

          Maybe I’m just projecting a lot of my own experience onto Trixie B. As I said, my spouse was sick for a long time, and we had a good solid marriage and I loved him deeply. It was still really really hard, and we both put a lot on my shoulders. If our marriage had been strained going in, I would have given myself exactly the advice I’m posting here now.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Right on target with Maslow’s hierarchy. Just keeping the basics in place is HUGE.

            To your point of how hard it is:
            My friend’s husband was sick and dying during Covid. I often remind her that she successfully kept the Covid away from her husband. This fragile dying person never caught Covid. This is what a success can look like. And somehow it’s so easy to take for granted/overlook the problems that are successfully minimize because the day-to-day issues (MANY) can readily overwrite those successes.

    7. Piano Girl*

      I am currently going through treatment for Melanoma (it was removed in February, Immunotherapy every three weeks, yay!)
      The tests leading up to surgery were fairly nerve wracking, especially because I am claustrophobic. I was able to get medication to help with that – I couldn’t sleep because I was in such a panic about the MRI. So you might want to think about that. No shame in needing help to get through the tests.
      The day of surgery, they tested my lymph nodes by injecting dye into me. Two lit up and they were removed an tested at the beginning of the surgery. My surgeon took an ample amount off my leg (where my cancerous mole was). The margins were tested and came back clear.
      They sent me home with a prescription for painkiller. It might cause constipation, so have stool softener on hand. It really helped.
      My husband texted my mom and she passed the information on.
      Lots of sleep that week. It was awful to see my scar at first. Please reassure your SO that it does heal!
      If I could give you advice, I would encourage you to take care of your living environment. My husband and son kept up the house and I was able to rest. Guilt-tripping about the surgery wasn’t helpful (thanks, Mom!) and I quickly put that to an end.
      I am the emotional support in our family, so I have had to assure my husband and son that I will be okay. We are in the process of getting our wills done now, and that is a comfort.
      Keep in mind that immunotherapy, while not as tough as chemo, will be tough. I sleep for a couple of days, then I’m okay, then about a week out, I get side effects. Have Gatorade, skin cream, and Imodium on hand.
      Figure out how best to communicate with the doctors. My cancer center relies heavily on the patient portal, and the doctors’ nurses.
      Your SO is going through a lot, so find ways to care for yourself. My husband has postponed medical care to “take care of me” and it hasn’t been very helpful. I don’t need to be worrying about him also!
      I wouldn’t add marijuana to the mix without a discussion with your doctor.
      Best of luck! It is a battle for both of you. Allow yourself some space, and I hope you get through this okay!

      1. Trixie B*

        Thank you to all posters for sharing. All advice was helpful and thoughtful. I appreciate your time.

  42. HannahS*

    Swimsuit recommendations for more coverage please! My building has an outdoor pool (yay) but my only swimsuit is a maternity swimsuit and I’m not pregnant.
    I wear nylon sport shorts for the bottoms, but I’m having trouble finding tops. Ideally, I need something with some bra-like support, but that has greater coverage of my upper-back and upper-chest than a tankini. It doesn’t need to have sleeves. A sleeveless rash guard would be great, but do you just wear a bikini top underneath for support?

    1. HannahS*

      Oh, and I don’t mean bra-like as in underwires or anything, just more support than, say, nothing under a rash guard.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Take a look at Land’s End, I’ve had luck with their tankini tops and I know they have higher-neck tops and swim dresses.

      1. MacGillicuddy*

        Lands End has lots of options, but be aware that their swimsuit tops and bottoms are sold SEPARATELY!

        Years ago when you bought what Lands End called a Tankini, you got a top and a bottom.

        Now, Lands End considers a Tankini to be only the top. Their catalog does NOT make this obvious.

        1. ThatGirl*

          True, but I like that – it’s easier to mix and match styles. I think it’s pretty clear on the website.

        2. Chaordic One*

          They should be making it more obvious that they are separate items and need to be ordered separately. However, because so many people have such different shapes, it is usually a good idea to order the tops and bottoms separately, to mix and match and get a good fit. I also find Lands’ End swimwear is durable and doesn’t fade from chlorine exposure, like many cheaper suits do. You should still rinse them after wearing them to prolong their colors though.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        +1
        There are LOTS of options for women at Lands’ End including swim shorts, swim dresses and long sleeved rash guards. The selection is impressive!
        Best of Luck!

    3. Meh*

      I just wear my regular bikini top under a rash guard. I have both long and short sleeved ones.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I find Lands End is constantly having sales or discount codes. I’ve never had to buy anything full price there.
        And yes, I really like their tankini selection. It’s leans a little on the modest side, though.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I wear an athletic top with a built-in shelf bra! It’s not cute but it stays in place way better than any actual swim top I’ve tried

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Oh, and I’ve also tried wearing a basic bandeau bra under more revealing swim tops.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      You might look at hiking stuff–on a tropical trip where I sunburned the back of my legs I then swam in my lightweight capri hiking pants, which shed water and dry fast, and had I had a top of the same material that would have been ideal. I now have rash guards designed like zip-front hooded sweatshirts which I wear to swim in my local pool in the summer. (So I don’t have to figure out how to get sunscreen on my back, in my case.)

    7. Just another queer reader*

      As a gay person I keep getting targeted ads from various Gay Swimwear companies! I can’t remember names offhand but there are a lot of nice, more-coverage options out there from smaller companies, if you’re willing to pay like $50.

      1. RagingADHD*

        $50 is about what I’d expect to pay for a suit with a useful amount of bust support anyway.

    9. Black Horse*

      I wear a bikini top under a rash guard, and it works great. I’m a DD, so need more support than just a shelf bra, and have found Athleta to be very good for bikini tops with bra sizings.

    10. overeducated*

      Try searching for a high neck athletic swim top? I got one from JCPenney that sounds like it fits the bill.

    11. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      Title Nine also has a lot of different types of swim separates.

    12. Alex*

      Not exactly what you asked, but I looooovee the short sleeved union suit type swimsuits from tomboyx. I do wear a cheapo bikini sports-bra like thing under it for more support, but never have I felt more comfortable in a swimsuit. No worries about bunching, riding up, the shirt par riding up, etc.

      They are a little tricky to get off when wet, but it’s only a slight inconvenience for insane comfort.

      1. the cat's ass*

        My very modest teenage daughter ADORES Tombox X, and has the union suit bathing suit and loves that too. I love that they have sales every now and again, because $$$.

    13. Ali + Nino*

      It might have more coverage than what you’re looking for, but I got my swim gear from a website called Undercover Waterwear, which. caters to Orthodox women. I got a rashguard with three-quarter sleeves, a swim sports be (love!), and bottoms that are basically leggings with a skirt on top (the skirt ends an inch or two above my knees). I love swimming and find these very comfortable, overall good quality. Good luck!

  43. How Does Insurance Work*

    Question: If you go to an annual preventative health check up (the one covered by American insurance – the physical) is it true that if you ask any questions or bring up any medical issues, that visit won’t be covered now? I have heard this twice from random people and I’m concerned. I have terrible insurance, high deductible plan through my state’s exchange, and I believe I get one check-up covered without having to pay the deductible. I am fortunate to be healthy so I probably wouldn’t even go to an appointment if I end up having to shell out money for it, as I’ve been hit hard by the covid economy. I do have some non-urgent health questions I’d like to have looked at in my annual physical but not if I have to pay. I don’t know who to ask this question, the doctor in my HMO or the insurance phone number, or how to phrase it? Or does everyone else just know this? [Please if you are from another country than the US, don’t respond with a comment about how great your system is and how terrible it is that Americans live this way – we know].

    1. ThatGirl*

      The frustrating answer to this is that it depends on how the medical office bills it. But no, you shouldn’t be billed differently simply for asking questions – it’s more like, if you also get your ears flushed out or a uti treated or something like that, they might code that separately.

      A normal preventive care visit should include any health concerns or questions you might have, though – that’s the whole point!

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        But they would bill just that one thing separately, right? So like if I go to the physical and I mention I have a UTI, say, they would charge me separate for the UTI meds and maybe a UTI check fee, but the rest of the physical is still covered? I have been hearing they now won’t bill the whole visit as a physical but as a doctor’s appointment, which could be a couple hundred bucks I wouldn’t spend on this probably.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In my experience (both as a medical coding professional of 18+ years and from personal experience as a patient), the answer to the exact question you asked is, no, not as long as the visit is documented as an annual visit. If the doc puts in their note that you came in only to have your funky elbow looked at, then it will be coded as a funky elbow visit and won’t qualify as an annual visit. I would explain the situation to the doc and ask them to be very clear in their documentation that the purpose of your visit is for your annual checkup – but no, asking questions or identifying issues in and of themselves do not negate the visit being a checkup.

      On your end, if you totally derail all the regular annual visit parts and spend the whole visit talking about your elbow, that would make it very hard for the doc to document the visit as an annual, but “Hey, is it supposed to click like this or is that something we need to follow up on outside of my annual?” is normal and reasonable.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        But they can’t like, fix your elbow while you’re there, eh. Hmm. I don’t care about my blood pressure or whatever. Sounds like I should just skip again this year. Urgh.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yes and no — whatever fixing is needed (for example, specialized blood testing above and beyond the standard for an annual visit, or like ThatGirl said, blasting out ear wax or testing for a UTI or whatnot) would be billed separately from the visit, but as long as the visit was documented as an annual it would still be fine. BUT the way an annual is scheduled is going to have limited time for any actual fixing anyway — it’s more likely to be additional diagnostic testing that’s ordered, and then you would have to have a follow-up visit to get into the nitty-gritty of whatever additional issues are going on once that testing was completed.

          Continuing to use the elbow as an example, the doc could order x-rays or refer you to PT at an annual visit, but he couldn’t like, have the x-rays done same day while you wait, and then go over them with you and put on a splint and go over a bunch of PT type exercises for you to do and still have it count as an annual visit, partly because that’s beyond the scope of an annual visit and partly because your visit just isn’t allotted that kind of time from a scheduling standpoint.

          1. How Does Insurance Work*

            Yeah, UTI is a better example (although it’s not that). I know what the issue is and I know what meds are needed from last year, and it’s not serious (ok so UTI might be a bad example because those can be serious) but they wouldn’t give me a refill when it recurred because they hadn’t seen me recently. So I want to present myself. I mostly just don’t want to *think* the visit is free and then find out it’s like $450 that I don’t really have.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              You should be fine. I had a lapse in medical care and needed a new prescription for valacyclovir, and of course a new doc wouldn’t prescribe it without seeing me, so when I went in for my new-patient/annual visit, the doc said “Anything else?” I said “I want my depo, and I get cold sores, gimme the pretty blue pills,” she saw that I’d been prescribed both things before, and that was that, I picked up my new prescription on my way home and didn’t get charged for anything other than the annual visit.

              1. How Does Insurance Work*

                Oh perfect okay this is what I need to happen. Fingers crossed!!

    3. Half Empty*

      I had to go to a preventative health check up recently as part of a program to receive a discount on my employer health insurance. I think it was scheduled as a 40 minute appointment. My doctor inquired about all previous/chronic conditions listed on my chart, and also asked a ton of general questions. I told him I was still having issues with a previous health condition (which he prescribed more medicine for) and when he asked in general if I was having any issues with my nose or any nose bleeding, I brought up that yes, I’ve been having issues with hardened mucus and nose bleeding (he recommended an over the counter gel).

      Those were both actually issues I intended to bring up since I was there anyway, and I just waited for an opening to do so. If it hadn’t come up from him asking questions, I just would have asked at the end (I think he literally asked if I had any issues I needed addressed at the end).

      It was just billed as a normal physical.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        Oh great! Okay, good! Maybe I can just go in and be really clear about my needs and check how everything is going to be coded before proceeding. Ideally I’d like this guy to refill a prescription I got a year ago for this same issue, which they wouldn’t refill without another visit when I called six months ago. I don’t expect the cost of the meds to be covered, of course, but if bringing this up makes the whole visit not covered, it would be a nonstarter for me. I have already paid a lot (for me) for the privilege of having this crappy insurance, so I’d like to get my money’s worth and get my one preventative visit “free” (hahaha). But if they’re literally just going to like, take my weight and blood pressure and a once-over but not help with any of my stuff, that’s no use to me. I’ve never had a high deductible HMO plan before so I didn’t care as much about this in past years.

        1. Half Empty*

          I had a high deductible health plan for most of my adult life, so I totally understand worrying about appointment costs. It was so crappy to pay a couple hundred dollars a month in premiums and then have to try to avoid using the insurance so I wouldn’t have to pay a ton more.

          Good luck! I hope you’re able to actually get some use out of your “free” appointment.

    4. S*

      So I went in for a physical and was explicitly told that if we discussed anything else the whole visit could no longer be billed as preventative care. So it wasn’t a separate charge added on but the whole thing was then a regular appt. Call your clinic and ask how they handle it.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        See this seems so dumb to me, but that’s what I’ve been told from others too. Only in our stupid system, in which most people don’t have enough medical access, would they require everything to involve multiple, separate visits instead of dealing with as much as they can during the fewest number of appointments :( It must vary from provider to provider. At least this thread is giving me more info / better language to talk to the doctor when I try to schedule.

    5. Sunflower*

      Def ask your doctor’s office. It’s my experience that some will not let you do anything but the physical and some don’t care. I had one doctor who would say ‘If I answer that question/we talk about that, it will move this appointment into a wellness visit vs preventive health physical’.

      I would call your doctors office with your specific concerns and ask if they can be discussed during the check us or if that discussion would warrant a wellness visit. I posted upthread about a somewhat similar issue I’m having with my derm- insurance confusion and coverages are just the worst!

    6. Just another queer reader*

      My partner has an annual physical coming up and the clinic sent a letter saying, basically, if you ask too many questions you’re gonna get charged extra.

      Check with your clinic/ provider, and ask how it’s going to be coded.

    7. Girasol*

      My last doctor was quite thorough on a free annual “wellness check” – full blood work, medicines review, all my questions, and everything – but another doctor I had said that was pretty much limited to just a blood pressure check and a quick review of anything I was concerned about so he could tell me if I should schedule a paid appointment to discuss it. So, yeah, each doctor is different. Ask.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        Right, me asking if my issue requires a separate visit is meaningless to me – I already know what it requires, so I might as well just start saving up to make that “paid appointment” and skip the useless free wellness check. I don’t have enough leave to d*ck around making multiple appointments.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Not in my experience, no. But then again, I have a cluster of long term chronic conditions such that pretty much anything I would wait for a physical to bring up is probably related to one of them, somehow.

      I just had a physical last month and my provider set me up for some “you’re this age now” screenings. And that was all included, I guess because it’s preventative care.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        Right I think that’s the system, all preventative care is supposed to be covered, which at my age and health is just lady stuff and like, blood pressure / weight / stuff like that. I realize the preventative care isn’t going to cover the cost of the prescription I need, but I was hoping the visit might count even if the Doc writes me a script at the end. Guess I’ll have to call the doctor to find out.

    9. Doctor is In*

      A preventive visit/checkup is designed to make sure you are up to date on health screenings such as blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes screening, healthy lifestyle, etc. The only physical exam indicated is blood pressure, height and weight. If the patient has medical issues they bring up, that is not part of that visit. If they are very simple and brief I might not charge separately. Some people save up 3 or 4 problems they want to deal with and that takes time.

      1. How Does Insurance Work*

        Yeah, I understand it’s not the doctor’s fault and this is just how the system works (ahem doesn’t work). It just seems so silly that they only care about some specific problems I don’t have, like diabetes, but not the things I actually do have, which could presumably become an issue if neglected. And they want me to make a separate appointment and pay separately for the latter, which just means I won’t be able to do it and those things won’t get treated. But they’re apparently keen to check … my height, which hasn’t changed since I was 15 haha. Especially because the “free” visit to check my … height … is not actually free when considering what I pay per month for this insurance.

  44. Not a wedding dress*

    I am a queer cis F who hates dresses and skirts. Cannot wear them. Find them too uncomfortable. I also tend to be uncomfortable in any “formal” clothes, but I try. And I’m overweight. I’m getting married and intend to wear a white suit. I want to look good, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m playing dress up. But I also don’t want to spend $$$ because I will literally wear this for 4 hours ever.

    Does anyone have suggestions of websites/stores to shop for this? Or anyone who had a similar experience want to tell me how it went?

    1. Hooot doog*

      I wonder if you could do sharp-looking separates for this? I think suits are generally pricey and often require tailoring to fit well, as it’s not super likely the jacket and pants would both fit well off the rack. I totally hear you that you don’t want to shell out big bucks for an outfit you’ll only wear once. I would guess you could find nice-fitting white pants and a separate jacket cheaper and with more size options (and maybe even a better chance of re wearing at least one of them?). Since whites can be frustratingly hard to match, you might also do a deliberate contrast or look for a collared shirt/vest that pulls them together (like a pattern with both white and cream, or that is enough of a contrast so as to make the different whites unnoticeable, maybe?). I know a female friend tailored a men’s suit and found it pricey, and there were limited places that offered men’s-style suits made specifically for women in her budget.

    2. the cat's ass*

      Wildfang has great suits. Universal Standard has great separates. Both cater to a wide range of sizes. Congratulations on your wedding!

    3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Rent. A suit is probably cheaper/easier to rent than a fancy dress, but you could try dress rental shops too for a more feminine suit. I haven’t used the service for a few years, but I’ve had good experience in the past with Rent The Runway.

    4. Anonymous healthcare person*

      I know you can rent wedding dresses, and tux rental is standard for cis guys for weddings. Check into formal clothing rental in your area? Also I bet that this is a topic on any online groups for LGBTQ+ people, Google for your area and hopefully something comes up. Congratulations on your wedding!

    5. Just another queer reader*

      If you’re on Facebook, check out Butch Fashion Club. Tons of great advice on there. And congratulations!

    6. Not A Manager*

      My DIL rented an amazing wedding suit. She’s kind of theatrical, so she definitely wanted something that *didn’t* look like work-wear that happened to be white. It looked great, and she’s not stuck with a fancy white suit that she will never wear again.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        A lot of us never wear (non-wedding) white pants due to the see-through effect they can have. Whether you buy or rent your suit, take care in choosing your undergarments.
        CONGRATS on your wedding!

  45. Meh*

    I bought my simple human trash can 4 years ago and bought a huge amount of bags (I had a BBB coupon and they were on sale). I’m down to my last box of bags and they were the best money spent. They perfectly fit in my rectangular can, the bag dispenser is so habdy, i will be reordering!

    1. Meh*

      Well crap. This was supposed to be in the simple pleasures post about trash cans. Now you all know of my love for their perfect trash bags.

      1. Dino*

        I think I have the same trash setup. I also adore it. I will share in the love with you!

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        This cracked me up, though, because I know “simple human” is the brand but couldn’t help reading it like an alien talking about their trash can, which is a human product and quite simple.

        1. Salymander*

          This is the best comment ever. Simple Human! I laughed and snorted iced tea all over myself!

  46. Bluebell*

    Tell me more about your CPAP experiences- either as a user or sharing a bed with one. My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and has been advised to start using one, so I’m reaching out to various friends, but also checking in w this group. In addition, I often struggle w insomnia, so am wondering if it will affect my sleep.

    1. Becky S.*

      I haven’t used one myself, but a few people I know were pleased with getting a much better night’s sleep. The new ones are less clumsy that the old ones.
      I’m a bit of an insomniac myself and have used foam ear plugs for decades. The muffle sound enough to help me sleep, but I would still hear the smoke alarm.
      Good Luck!!

    2. The OG Sleepless*

      My husband uses a CPAP and I have sleep maintenance insomnia. The CPAP makes white noise (a friend compared it to turning a hair dryer on low and setting it next to the bed) so it may take you a few nights to get used to it. It will take them awhile to get used to it too, so they may take it off in the middle of the night. Over time it will become its own white-noise machine and probably help you sleep. And no more snoring spouse to wake you up and leave you unable to get back to sleep! It really made my life much better.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am terrible at sleeping (both getting to sleep and staying asleep – nothing medical, I’m just a super light sleeper). My husband has one and as long as he gets it fitted and situated to his face properly, it’s fine, basically white noise akin to a fan. If it falls off his head completely, it has an auto-shutoff. But if he rolls over in his sleep and knocks it just enough out of whack that it’s not lined up properly on his face but not far enough for the auto-shutoff to register, it gets a lot louder, and that’s when I start shoving at him (the same way I did/do when he’s snoring) and hissing at him to fix his face. :P This happens probably once a week or so, usually when he’s been up too late and falls asleep before he manages to get it situated on his head properly.

      One thing he found is that he had to get fleece covers to wrap the tubes and cut down on condensation, otherwise the thing was blasting actual water from the condensation up his nose and he could not sleep while being functionally waterboarded.

      1. *daha**

        There are also heated airtubes that prevent the condensation. My first CPAP machine came with non-heated tubing but had the connections for it one the body of the CPAP. My current one came with heated tubing standard. It is likely that his current machine can accept the tubing.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The fleece wrapping seems to have done the trick, but I’ll let him know to look and see if that’s an option!

    4. the cat's ass*

      My DH has sleep apnea and his machine is very quiet. I also struggle with insomnia but the CPAP machine has not contributed to it, possibly because I’m pretty deaf when i remove my hearing aids!

    5. Lady Alys*

      Life-changing. My husband uses a machine (it’s not technically a CPAP, but a bi-PAP, something like that) and he is very conscientious about maintaining it, so it works well and about as quietly as possible. Improvement in his sleep was literally overnight; for me, it went from needing to be two rooms away from him before I could no longer hear the snoring to sometimes wondering if he’s even in the room with me, he’s so quiet.

      I have one of those cheap Bluetooth headbands (bought when I thought it might drown out the snoring – it did not), and now I fall asleep each night to the sound of a podcast I’ve already listened to – I’ve got three or four saved that I’ve listened to so many times that I’m usually asleep before the intro is done.

    6. 653-CXK*

      I’ve been on CPAP for seven years, and it is a lifechanger.

      Before CPAP, I used to get up early and sleep very late on weekends. I also kept on falling asleep at my desk at work, so I spoke with my doctor and the referred me to a sleep doctor.

      When I got my at-home sleep test back, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. It look awhile to get the machine, but once I got it, my sleep improved almost immediately. Now, I very rarely sleep beyond 5:30am and I’m actually refreshed.

      I have health insurance, so it’s an 80-20 split (my insurance pays 80%, I pay the remaining 20%) but I get my supplies free.

    7. Blue wall*

      I use a CPAP; it’s super quiet and adds to my quality of life.

      To counter some negative CPAP sentiment I read on here years ago that led to me putting off getting a CPAP for several years: the CPAP is a necessary medical device. It will make the users life now better and extend their life by preventing disease and illness caused by not using it.

    8. Bluebell*

      I really appreciate getting all of this good advice, thank you everyone! If you have advice on how to find the quietest machine, or want to recommend a particular make or model, that would be fantastic.

      1. RagingADHD*

        There is a major recall/replacement and manufacturing shortage going on right now, so I’d advise you to take the first one you can get. All the new ones are going to be very quiet, that’s the standard now.

        For reference, I have been waiting for my replacement since September. Fortunately mine still works and shows no sign of the damage that the recall was for. So if you can get one, take it.

      2. Sundial*

        Make and model should be chosen by your doctor after a fitting. Different air path needs, mask types based on head shape and facial features, heated humidifier or no, heating tubing or no, your mobility to perform proper cleaning (ozone is no longer recommended with some brands), will all play a factor (and more).

    9. Fulana del Tal*

      I’ve been using a CPAP for about five years now. It’s helped the quality of my immensely. The newer machines are very quiet and as stated can act like a white noise machine.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I love mine and it saved my life and sanity. I had zero issues acclimating to it because it was such a night and day difference in my sleep and I immediately started feeling so amazingly better.

      It makes a very soft hum/whoosh that sounds like a white noise machine on low volume. My husband has never had any issues sleeping because of it. He has insomnia and often does have difficulty sleeping, but the CPAP didn’t make any difference one way or the other.

      The only one it bothers is the cat, because he likes to curl up right where the outflow vent is, and he hates it blowing on him. So then he tries to pounce it and gets kicked out of the room.

    11. PollyQ*

      I’ve been using a CPAP for a few years now, and the machine itself is virtually silent. The only noise comes from the outflow of air from the mouthpiece, so I’ve gotten good at adjusting it so it doesn’t hit directly at any of the bedding, which minimizes the sound. My father has also used a CPAP for a while now. He used to be a horrific snorer, which made earplugs a necessity for my mom. Now that he’s all ‘PAPped up, no snoring, no earplugs.

    12. *daha**

      My truelove says hearing my CPAP is far preferable to my gasping snores without it.
      Be aware that there are consumables to replace, and that will increase your/his cost. Daily he should refill with distilled water, monthly he should replace the air filter and nosepiece (if using nasal pillows), and headgear, mask, hose, and water tank should be replaced every 3-6 months.

      1. RagingADHD*

        The replacement schedule is going to vary a lot with the type of equipment and your care routine. I have a partial mask instead of nasal pillows and keep 2 sets of everything so I can wash and swap them out regularly. They don’t need replacing nearly as often as the above if kept very clean and thoroughly dry.

        You can find hoses, etc much more affordably from online dealers than from the DME provider where you get the machine. They will probably want to put you on a subscription service, but it’s overkill. You may also be able to find an aftermarket HEPA filter insert that goes between the machine and the hose. Highly recommended, they catch a lot more dust and gunk than the basic intake filter on the back of the machine.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      My spouse has used a CPAP for years. He sleeps in another room. Sleep research shows sharing a bed, even without a CPAP, worsens sleep for both people. Consider sleeping apart or maybe twin beds in the same room.
      Usually a CPAP will greatly improve a person’s quality of life but Hubby’s CPAP didn’t due to an additional sleep disorder. Still, untreated apnea can result in heart attacks and diabetes, so he’s faithful in using it.
      I recommend getting your husband on a CPAP as soon as possible for his health.

    14. L. Ron Jeremy*

      My brother uses a CPAP for his apnea and both he and his spouse are so used to the sound that they both have trouble sleeping without it.

    15. Might Be Spam*

      My sister’s cat likes to chew on the plastic tubing so she sewed a fabric tube-cover. After a couple of days everyone got used to the sound and it doesn’t bother anyone.
      The CPAP machine has been a life changer for her husband. He’s been losing weight because he isn’t eating to stay awake during the day and his temper has dramatically improved. Lack of restorative sleep causes so many problems.

    16. bratschegirl*

      My DH has used a CPAP for decades. Much less disturbing than the intermittent snoring. He uses the mask that’s basically a giant overgrown oxygen cannula, which is the only one that he’s ever been able to tolerate, but it works a treat and we both benefit tremendously from his improved sleep.

  47. WellRed*

    Got my moms Amazon fire tablet working for her. Is there an equivalent to the Apple version of FaceTime so I could do video calls with her. (I don’t live near her). Or recommendations for a simple solution? She’s 76 and nit terrible with tech but it’s not her natural language, so to speak (mine either!)

    1. Stitch*

      Google Duo and Facebook messenger both have video calling features. I think both can be downloaded on a Fire tablet.

        1. AllTheBirds*

          Co-signing WhatsApp. It’s just a messaging act, like texting, but you can do video calls and NO FEES of any kind.

  48. Golden*

    I know you can’t actually repair split ends, but does anyone have any product recommendations for preventing them? My hair is straight and medium length, and I don’t really style it or use heat at all but I still get them (particularly the taper type). I’ve tried a silk pillowcase, but it didn’t help much. Under $20 would be ideal but I’d be willing to spend a bit more if the product is worth it!

    1. Hooot doog*

      Ooh, I’ll be following this discussion. I have very thin curly hair and it gets bad ends. Stylists always chide me not to damage it and I’m like listen, I don’t blow dry, I don’t flat iron, I have a satin pillowcase, I don’t “towel roughly,” I use a wide tooth comb and gently work it through when it’s damp and then barely touch it … I think I’ve done my part and now it needs to shape up! I’d prefer to wear it longer (because the length weighs down the flyaway frizz) and they always want to cut it short because the ends are constantly damaged.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Regular trims are the best way, beyond that a leave-in conditioner, mostly applied toward the ends.

    3. Laur*

      I have long hair and what works best for me is Olaplex conditioner (No.5 I think). It’s a little pricier, but a bottle lasts me about 2 months–I only apply to the ends of my hair. When my hair gets to be more frizzy in the summer with humidity and the ends of my hair seem to matter more, I use Olaplex and *think* I can tell a difference.
      I have also cut off my own split ends one at a time in the past when I notice them…

    5. Sundial*

      Depending on what you define as medium length, keep an eye on your hair getting tugged by seatbelts, purse straps, necklaces, and shirt collars. That was a huge part of my problem, and also solved the mystery of why my hair “grew” so unevenly (it actually doesn’t; the left side was snapped off/ripped out by my tote bag handle).

    6. mreasy*

      It’s too expensive but Olaplex has changed everything for me and my dry, splitting, and now color treated hair. I use 3/4/5 but they have options for different hair types. I truly cannot recommend it enough, and I say that as someone who hates spending the money on it.

    7. Juneybug*

      I have fine blond hair and I use Schwarzkopf Professional BlondMe All Blondes Keratin Restore Bonding Mask. It’s pricey but last forever. I purchase it from my hair salon but you can get it from Ultra or Amazon. My stylist says he recommends it for all hair color, not just blond.
      I use about a dime size on the ends only and my hair looks great without any spilt ends.

  49. Red Sky*

    We’re having the hottest may on record here in Central Texas and with the crazy price of groceries I’m tightening up the budget. Anyone have suggestion for bean-based cold meals? I’m gluten-free and intolerant to dairy and anything in the garlic onion family, but I can omit those for any recipe that doesn’t rely heavily on them for flavor.

    My 2 standbys are-
    Smashed chickpea salad with mayo, celery, cucumber or dill pickles, and lemon juice usually eaten on gluten-free bread or crackers

    Black beans, corn, tomato, jalapeno, avocado, cilantro, lime juice, salt, chilli limon powder usually eaten with corn chips or tossed into a chopped salad with romaine lettuce.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do basically chickpea chili – couple cans of diced or smashed tomatoes, can of drained and rinsed chickpeas, a couple other cans of drained and rinsed beans (optional), wilted spinach/kale. I season it like a chili with garlic, cumin, chipotle, and usually eat it hot, but you could also treat it more like a gazpacho or similar cold soup and of course change up the seasoning to whatever works for you.

    2. CTT*

      The Kitchn’s marinated white beans served on toast is my go to! Let the beans sit in olive oil, lemon juice, shallots (which are probably in the garlic family so ignore that) and some herbs for half an hour at least, serve over warm toast. Soooooo good.

    3. HannahS*

      Quinoa or couscous (instant if you don’t want to use the stove) with tomatoes, corn kernels (frozen work great), fresh basil, and balsamic dressing. You could add some green lentils or chickpeas for more protein, too. I add fresh mozzarella for myself, but it doesn’t really need it.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, also, salad of tomatoes, cucumber, red or green onion, lots of lemon juice and olive oil, salt and pepper, whatever fresh herbs you have (mint, parsley, cilantro, basil, oregano, etc.) Excellent with green lentils or chickpeas, with bread, with pitas chips or pitas.

    4. 1234*

      up on the East coast but also looking to cut food costs!

      multi bean salad – I do green beans (defrosted from frozen), black beans, kidney, and chickpea + diced onion + fresh parsley + Italian salad dressing
      lentil salad – cook onion + garlic, add in diced or whole tomatoes and cook a little, add in dried oregano – drain very well and add to cooked lentils with olive oil + balsamic vinegar + fresh basil + fresh parsley – allow to cool

      this is hot but I do a simplified black bean taco by cooking canned black beans in their liquid with taco seasoning until they are creamy

    5. AllTheBirds*

      I do one similar to yours (and with rice) but a bit sweet:

      Mix of beans, plus corn, diced mango, cilantro, red onion (sorry) cumin, S&P.

      Serve with guac and/or sour cream (for those who want dairy).

    6. Dragonfly7*

      *watches thread intently for weather, cost, and too-short lunch break reasons*
      The first half of your #2 is my go-to, often requested dish for potlucks.

    7. Alaska_Blue*

      Smitten kitchen has several cold bean dishes on her website. Beach bean salad is delicious!

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I love the tomato chickpea salad from thekitchn dot com. It calls for lightly toasting the canned chickpeas in a skillet for a few minutes but I’ve also made it without toasting them and it’s still good. I add feta is I have it, and serve with pita or pita chips.

  50. Half Empty*

    Does anyone know of any brands that make a chemical sun screen stick in the glue stick shape? Preferably unscented?

    I used to buy them from Target (the Up&Up brand), but they switched to a deodorant stick shape. I need the glue stick shape since I’m getting it specifically to apply it around my eyes. (I’ve tried using my normal sunscreen lotion there before, but my eyes end up stinging.) I don’t like to use any mineral/zinc sunscreen because it leaves white smudges on my face throughout the day. (I’ve tried a couple different brands–I think my skin gets too oily for it.)

    I saw a Australia Gold sun screen stick that I’ll get if I have to (the only reason I’m still looking is that it’s scented).

    1. Sunflower*

      Neutrogena makes them for a few of their products! I know their Sheer Zinc line is mineral but I think their Ultra Sheer and Sport are chemical

    2. RagingADHD*

      I haven’t shopped for them this year, but last year Equate (Walmart house brand) had them.

    3. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Last time I needed to replace mine, I found it in the baby aisle! I guess it’s easier to glue-stick a baby than smear lotion on them?
      Bonus: it’s no-tears, mouth-safe, unscented, and minimal allergens!

    4. Elle Woods*

      I *believe* Supergoop has one. I’ve become a huge fan of their sunscreens because they sort of melt into my skin.

  51. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I’m in a group that’s discussing what books we read when we were probably much too young to be reading them (triggered by this recent Carolyn Hax column about kids asking for books they’re “too young” to read) and I thought I’d steal the idea and bring it here. What were the books for adults you read when you were a kid and still remember?

    Some of mine were the Clan of the Cave Bear series (my mom was reading them when I was a preteen and for some reason shared them with me — WTF?) and, for some reason, as a teenager, a whole slew of books by sex workers (don’t ask, I don’t know). Also, I will copy the memory I just shared there, which I’d completely forgotten until this discussion: When I was around 10, I once pulled Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage off my parents’ bookshelf, read it, and then wrote an essay about it, as if I’d been assigned to. I had not been assigned to, no one saw it but me, and I still don’t know what I was thinking. I haven’t thought about that book since and I just looked it up. Apparently it is “a potent expression of the power of sexual obsession and of modern man’s yearning for freedom.” I had NO idea about the sexual obsession part, which I guess shows that stuff really does go right over kids’ heads.

    What were yours?

    1. WellRed*

      I definitely liked getting into the VC Andrews books, the Flowers in the Attic series.

      1. Academic Librarian too*

        At around 14, Fear of Flying- nope, had no idea what was going on. Marjorie Morningstar around the same time.(all I got from that is being a “Shirley” , a house wife in the suburbs was a fate worst than death)

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          In high school, I read that one too. I remember it having lots of sex and not really understanding the themes other than that.

      2. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        Me too… I read them around age 12. Probably should not have.

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, the Flowers in the Attic books — what the hell?! And those were actually pitched as being age-appropriate. Do kids still read those?

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Those books were so huge! They were everywhere when I was a kid. Never read any of them, though – the creepy cover art put me off.

        2. MEH Squared*

          I read several of those when I was much too young to do so. I can’t believe they were targeted for kids. I read them soon after they came out and I would have been maybe ten.

        3. Irish Teacher*

          I’m stunned that those were pitched as age appropriate for teens. I read Flowers in the Attic when I was at college and it was the only book I ever hesitated about giving my younger sister (she was probably about 16?) but figured she was more worldly wise that I was (partly, I think, Irish society changed so much in the ’90s, that she grew up in a rather more open society than I did, even though there were only four years between us), so I reckoned she would be OK to read it. I wouldn’t have given it to every 16 year old. I do not think I would have been ready to read it at 16.

          I read books that were above my age reading level wise – my mum was giving me books by the time I was 8, but they were things like Jane Eyre and as I reached my teens, Patricia Scanlan’s books, that sort of stuff… Apparently a friend of my gran’s was shocked that she let me read Patricia Scanlan, because there was, apparently, a sex scene in one of the books or something. I don’t think there was anything in them that was unsuitable for a young teen though really.

          I was reading Agatha Christie by the time I was 12 or 13, which I guess are books for adults, but again, not adult in the unsuitable sense.

          I was into detective stories and some of the Irish authors when it came to books for adults, when I was a preteen/young teenager. By Irish authors, I mean mostly women writers who wrote about family and growing up and friendships and relationships.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        I read most of Flowers in the Attic over the shoulder of the girl in front of me in 9th grade math. :-) Never bothered to get my own copy, but that’s the first thing I think of when I remember age-inappropriate books from that era.

      5. Lurker*

        I was going to say Flowers in the Attic. I loved reading and I think maybe my mom knew about Flowers in the Attic, but then somehow she figured out the plot and was convinced they were written by the devil. (Which was a weird thing for her to say – she was religious, but it was very low key. There wasn’t any sinner/hell/devil talk in our house.) So I would sneak buy them when we’d go to the mall, read them in secret, and then hide them in the back of my closet. I had the whole series for Flowers in the Attic and Heaven.

      6. Cj*

        I read Flowers in the Attic when I was somewhere around 12 or 14. I think *everybody* is too young for that book!

        1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

          Yes but oddly the VC Andrew’s book that has really stuck with me all this time was My Sweet Audrina…imo worse than the Flowers in the Attic books.

          1. Cj*

            I don’t know anything about the author’s personal life, but either she had a vivid imagination or one messed up childhood.

          2. UKDancer*

            Yeah that one was weird. I started reading that one as a teenager, decided things would be way better if people explained things to each other. Also I thought Damian (the father figure) was a tosser and couldn’t see why anyone wanted to have a relationship with him.

      8. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s exactly who I was thinking of ahaha!
        Too much sex and incest and just general…cringe.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ha! Me too! I actually can’t remember exactly how old I was, but it was definitely before age 13. >.<

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      I was probably about 12 years old and wanted to watch Stephen King’s IT (the made for TV Tim Curry version), but my mom said the movie was inappropriate, so I went and got the book from the library and read that instead. I know she saw me reading it since the book is the size of Nebraska, and she didn’t seem to care. It was so much more inappropriate to let me read that, but it introduced me to Stephen King. A lot of the content didn’t even register, but I wouldn’t let my 13 year old read it when she asked. Also, Flowers in the Attic, like was already mentioned. My mom wasn’t much of a reader, so she never really knew what I was reading. Still, the It book still baffles me that I couldn’t watch the movie, but the book was A-OK.

      1. allathian*

        Movies are often more immersive, and you can skim or even skip passages that are confusing or scary in a way that isn’t really possible with a movie.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Bingo — I can read anything and be completely unfazed, but there are some things (EYEBALLS) that I just cannot watch on a movie, even as a grown-ass adult.

    4. CTT*

      I read that to and laughed because I tried to read American Gods at that age and could not get into it AT ALL. Just because she starts it doesn’t mean there’s any guarantee in her finishing it! (I finally reread it as an adult and thankfully it was after I moved to Chattanooga and now I’m just like “oh, he toned down how bizarre Rocky City is, weird choice.”)

      The major things I read that I was too young for were various Alison Weird nonfiction books about Tudor history (I vividly remember reading the War of the Roses book at Christmas when I was 14). Funnily enough, I so associate those books/that period of history so much with being a young teenager that I forget that Tudor history is an actual field that adults can be interested in. All the other books I tried reading that I was too young for I was legit too young for in that they held no interest to me – I have no idea what 13 year old me was expecting from “The Hours,” but I gave up 40 pages in.

      1. UKDancer*

        I read so much historical fiction as a teenager, lots of Jean Plaidy. Also a fair bit of non-fiction. I also really enjoyed the Tudor period and know what you mean about forgetting it’s an actual adult field.

        1. Weegie*

          Yes! That’s who I read too. I think I started reading her when I was about 11 or 12. I had to use my mother’s library ticket until I was old enough to get one for the adult library myself. From Jean Plaidy I learned that everyone in the monarchy or connected to it had one or more mistresses and loads of ‘illegitimate’ children running around. To this day I cannot imagine why my parents let me read that stuff!

    5. UKDancer*

      Definitely VC Andrews which I didn’t much like. I found they were very weird because of the amount of incest. As an only child that part made no sense to me and I thought people in the books made really stupid decisions so I didn’t read many of them.

      I really enjoyed Barbara Taylor Bradford’s Woman of Substance series when I was about 13-14. I was far too young to probably be reading them but I loved the strong feminist message of “go out there and build a massive department store, wear great clothes with shoulder pads and crush your enemies”. The sex went way above my head.

      My mother never censored my reading and I had the sort of relationship where I could talk to her if I wanted to so I probably read things that were unsuitable but none of it made much of an impact or damaged me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding that some things might have been unsuitable, but those parts went over my head and didn’t have much impact. I’m glad I was allowed to be bored with them on my own, and tried to give my own kids that option.

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        They did a miniseries of A Woman of Substance that my dad and I watched together! It’s a fond memory of mine. I remember being vaguely surprised that he got into it as much as he did.

      3. Salymander*

        Yes! Barbara Taylor Bradford was my go-to age inappropriate author of choice from ages 10-14. I love your description of A Woman of Substance.

        Jean Auel was another one. I borrowed her books from the same girl who lent me an Edwardian novel that was very racy indeed. Almost pornographic, really. That was eye opening for 12 year old me, still trapped in a strict Fundie Baptist household. Thank goodness my parents weren’t interested in reading, or they might have seen the steady supply of inappropriate novels that this girl passed on to me during lunch.

        I read Stephen King and John Saul, but horror genre tends to give me nightmares, and John Saul’s books always seemed to be about creepy, haunted children murdering people so that got old quickly.

        I read a lot of fantasy novels, but most of these seemed less violent or sexual than other genres, so they don’t seem inappropriate really. I read the Hobbit when I was in Kindergarten, and I was hooked on fantasy genre after that. Not a lot of sex in Tolkien, and even the violence seems less horrifying than a lot of other books. My parents seemed to think that fantasy genre was a gateway to Satan, through, and would get really weird about it. So, reading Fellowship of the Ring was somehow worse than reading Flowers in the Attic (as long as my mom never saw the pictures of creepy children on the inside cover of Flowers). No wonder I still love fantasy genre. The allure of the forbidden!

    6. the cat's ass*

      My parents had to go to the library to approve me getting an adult library card when i was 10 or 11. I took out Jaws and The Godfather and a lot of it, as you say, went right over my head. Didn’t turn into a sociopath, either.

      1. UKDancer*

        I’d forgotten The Godfather. I read that in my late teens and thought that was very weird given there were countless chapters about one of the female characters and her lady part issues. I never much rated the book or anything else Puzo wrote.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I remember forging my mother’s signature (this talent worked out later for signing less than excellent report cards) to get a card for the adult library. In Madison New Jersey, children’s and adults libraries were on opposite sides of the street. When I had my adult card firmly in my 9 year old hand, the children’s librarian asked me indulgently (she had known me since I was 3) what big book I was going to check out. I smiled in what I hoped was a sinister fashion and said “DRACULA”

    7. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      As a pre and early teen, I loved Judith Krantz’s novels like Scruples and also Margaret Atwood novels like Cat’s Eye (I’ve always been all over the place on reading and music interests). They were probably a bit too “old” for me at that age…I very much understood them, but probably shouldn’t have.

    8. Sundial*

      I read Gerald’s Game as a tween and that was a bad idea. I was a brownie, super meek and well-behaved, and I devoured the contents of the library with no supervision. Reading about sexual coercion, forced bondage, and your spouse’s corpse bloating in front of you was a bit much.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        That made me laugh! I’m imagining a sweet little brownie reading the bit when the dog comes in and starts gnawing on the corpse, and then the way she eventually escapes… (if you even made it that far!)

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I remember reading House of Stairs when I was 7 or 8. Really stuck with me. Early version of “people wake up in strange space with no memory of how they got there,” so aimed way higher than 8 but I don’t recall graphic sex or violence.

      I vaguely recall checking out Flowers in the Attic as a “What is all the fuss about?” thing, and being meh on it.

      With books–there’s stuff I wouldn’t want my young kids reading, I guess, but I think it’s also a case where they’ll just abandon the book as boring? (Whereas the movie you’re watching as a group, that’s harder for one person to duck out of, and more likely to rely on the jump-scare, i.e. sudden change of tone for shock value.) I think people take different things from books, and letting the kid decide is usually the way to go. My daughter read the Twilight series, for example, and while I wasn’t interested in reading them myself, I figured she would emerge unscathed and not need any Mom lectures about the content to eventually see the flaws. As in fact proved to be the case. When my son asked me to let him play M-rated video games, it was explicitly with the offer that if I saw any disturbing changes in his behavior he would stop. I signed off; it was fine; he was fine.

      1. ThatGirl*

        House of Stairs by William Sleator? 8 isn’t too bad, I’d call that a middle school novel. The themes might be a bit advanced but it’s not graphic at all.

    10. Virtual Light*

      I read 1984 in middle school. My mom was an English teacher, and when she saw me reading it, she advised me to stop and read it when I was older but did not take it away.

      When I finished it I kind of wished she had! That ending scarred me- my reading experience thus far had not included unhappy, let alone devastating, endings for the protagonists. I don’t think I had realized it was even possible to do that!

      Props to Orwell’s writing though- he kept me engaged!! I think the totalitarian stuff as an analogy to our world and systems went right over my head. I thought it was a very very tragic story about one man.

      It did increase my later appreciation of Bowie’s dystopian albums, though. (IIRC he was a fan of the book and wanted to do a (musical?) stage production of 1984, but was shot down by the Orwell estate.)

      1. Cj*

        If you don’t mind out in your age, I was wondering what year was that you read this.

        I read it during my freshman year in 1976. At that age, the eight years in the future seemed so far away, and now it is so far in the past.

        1. Virtual Light*

          Would have been in the late 80’s? I think maybe that’s why the title was interesting to me. That era of Bowie wasn’t revealed to me until the 90’s- what a satisfying discovery!

          So for me it was more looking back than forward. I can kind of imagine how it felt for you, though! For me that feeling was realizing that the year in the future of Bladerunner is now-ish.

          1. allathian*

            I was in 7th grade and also read it in 1984. I think that helped, because it was obvious that the real world was nothing like the book. Of course, the book’s more current now than it ever was then, given fake news and other disinformation, etc.

      2. Bob Howard*

        I reccomend reading Orwell’s collected essays. Some of the thoughts there are way ahead of his time.

      3. Dr Crusher*

        1984 seems fine for a middle schooler, though? Good even, as there’s a lot of really unsubtle messaging that’s easy for tweens and young teens to understand, though hopefully they’d go back and read it again in adulthood and get more out of it. We read Animal Farm in middle school as part of the curriculum, as part of our studies on the Soviet Union/Russia, and since our interest had been piqued about Orwell a lot of us read 1984 as well out of interest since there were a lot of copies in the school library.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      I recall in AP English a film about the analysis of some work, and the speaker launched into how the sexual imagery in this short story was of course so graphic and unmissable, and the whole class was like “What? Sex? Where? This story was boring. You’re trying to trick us.”

      2. Lurker*

        That reminds me of when we read Romeo & Juliet in HS. Our teacher’s MO was: read the book, take a test about it, watch the movie*. We watched some PBS production of R&J and there was nudity! It was all the talk of the ninth grade.

        * The “watch the movie” day was an easy way for her to not have to actually teach anything that period, I guess. I also remember watching The Great Gatsby (with Robert Redford and Mia Farrow) and The Grapes of Wrath (with Peter Fonda).

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I vividly remember sitting in class in high school reading the Happy Hooker while I was supposed to be listening to a lecture and making no attempt to hide the cover! The teacher never said anything. I also read the Mayflower Madam around that age.

        1. Morning reader*

          In the mid-70s, a paperback copy of this went around my family, with each of us reading it while sitting in the living room. When my mom got it, she was shocked because all along, she thought the title was The Happy Hoofer, about a dancer. (All of the siblings teenagers at the time.)

        2. fposte*

          I had a math teacher who I liked very much who caught me reading in class. She bonked me gently on the head with the book and carried on without another word.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I used to read my Grandfather’s male “bodice rippers” (think Frank Yerby). He was actually pretty mean and would tease us to make us cry and then say it was a joke. Every time he did it I would think “Yes Gramps, I’m fake crying but I’m stealing 3 of your books to take home”.
        He was also big on Peter Arno (for which I thank him) and Samuel Shellaburger (spel?) “Captain from Castile”
        also Harold Robbins, which now turns my stomach

      3. Salymander*

        I read all this Edwardian erotica when I was age 11-12, which was so racy that the author was Anonymous. I was deeply impressed, and thought it was sure to be very interesting. It did have lots of sex and some bondage stuff, but really was not super interesting. I kept reading them through because I thought the girl who brought them to school and read them in English Class and at lunch was super cool. Some of the book covers had racy photos of women in scanty lingerie, and one had a flogger and a leather bustier, and this girl read them in English Class with the cover up and facing the teacher. Bold as brass. I was so impressed with her absolute lack of fear.

    13. Jen Erik*

      I’ve no idea what age I was – I was the kind of child who read everything that I happened across – but Boswell’s London Journal was a formative read.

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      For some reason, I read a lot of Jackie Collins as a young teenager, all borrowed from my local library (!)
      I also remember reading Julie Burchill’s incredibly bad novel Ambition, which has stupidly over-the-top sex scenes and a ton of drug use. (Extremely 80s cover art, too.) I don’t think that I even knew what cocaine was at that age, and the book didn’t really give a whole lot of context, so I suppose those bits just confused me.

      1. UKDancer*

        That takes me back. I’d forgotten Julie Burchill. I read that as a teenager as well and thought it was really stupid and made no sense. I didn’t see why she didn’t just get the job on her merits rather than sleeping with loads of people and doing drugs. I re-read it again on kindle a couple of years ago and was amazed how badly written it was.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          I have not attempted to re-read Ambition as an adult, but suspect I’d cringe at it even more now! I actually remember thinking that the main character was just doing what she had to do to get her foot in the door in a male-dominated industry. I think she was at least supposed to be a fairly talented writer.

          1. UKDancer*

            The sex scenes are not actually that bad apart from being a bit unrealistic and very dated in the use of language. It’s more that the plot is terrible and the decisions and motivations of the characters make no sense. It hasn’t dated very well and is so 1980s.

      2. We tried to read age-appropriate material!*

        My best friend and I checked out so, so many romance novels in 5th to maybe 7th grade. The librarians didn’t bat an eye. One, Mrs. Kennedy (I think that was her name), told us that the Nancy Drew books we were hoping to check out were not carried at the library, as they weren’t educational?!? We first checked out the bodice-rippers as a sort of snarky protest, but soon became oddly addicted.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          My sister and I became addicted to Georgette Heyer novels in our early teens. We actually made a pact that for one summer we would speak ONLY in Regency cant or slang. My mother wanted to drown us

        2. The Prettiest Curse*

          Ha, I was never really into anything that you would classify as a romance novel! I would Jackie Collins in the category of pure raunch, even though the girl usually ended up with the guy. (Apparently, my teenage self saw romance as too boring or retro or … something?) And I think my mother may have even checked out some of the Jackie Collins books for me!

          Given my teenage snobbery, it’s ironic that one of my cousins worked for Mills & Boon for a while and now writes light romance novels.

    15. Russian in Texas*

      I read most of the Alexander Dumas books as a preteen, and it took me until the adulthood to realize just WHY D’Artagnan visited Mylady every evening.

      1. Salymander*

        I explained this very thing to my cousin when we were quite young, and he was very upset because he thought that was so gross. I guess a hero is supposed to be selflessly devoted to his quest, and has no time for hanky panky.

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      It was for teens, not adults, but I got “The Face on the Milk Carton” from a school book drive in 5th grade. Not TOO bad but I was young enough to be VERY scandalized that they almost had sex but decided not to, lol.

      1. matcha123*

        I remember that title and I am very certain I also read that book in elementary school, too and I remember nothing about it! YA books in the ’90s were wild.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I think I read it around the same age and I was scandalized by the almost-sex scene! I remember it being very erotic but that might have been because I was 11. I should reread it and see!!

    17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My parents’ rule when I was growing up was that if I could reach it, I could read it. (And I knew where the stepladder was.) I read so much of everything that by the time I was 8 the only thing left in the house that I hadn’t read was my mom’s bodice-rippers, and she gave up on trying to find somewhere to hide those because I kept finding them. I read the Clan of the Cave Bear series in middle school, started reading Stephen King when I was 9, all the VC Andrews that ever incested, and really pretty much anything that landed in my hands. (The sex in all of it went completely over my head, and as it turns out I’m ace, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ worked out.)

    18. Raboot*

      Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth books… Maybe 4 or 5 of them, don’t remember exactly I mean frankly no one should read them but still shocked that the first was in my middle school library. Definitely made me more afraid of sexual violence for a few years, not great! Glad I eventually realized I was not enjoying them for that reason.

      1. Bookgarden*

        They were in your middle school library?? I am so sorry. I read several and had to stop a well. I typically have a strong stomach, and the joy the author seemed to get from the torture of the women in his stories (typically all of the women) was nauseating.

    19. OyHiOh*

      Not a book but this still counts.

      When I was eleven, the youth symphony I played in planned a lovely end of year field trip to nearby Big City. We went to a modern art museum, had a nice lunch, and saw a professional stage production, complete with a backstage tour. It was also a once in a lifetime trip because I played in the symphony for a further 6 years and we never did something that nice again. I assume most parents were much more upset than mine about the stage production we saw.

      Readers, at the tender age of 11, I attended a production of Leonard Bernstein’s Candide.

      For those unfamiliar, yes, based on the Voltaire novel. The stage production literally begins with rape, and does not get better from there. It’s kind of the biblical book of Job, in secular format, and in fact takes every possible opportunity to make “the church” look bad. The priest jokes at the beginning of the second act are hair raising.

      Remarkably, the more difficult material passed directly over my head, yet somehow because an internal library I referenced many times in the ensuing years as I learned about things, remembered something from Candide, and thought “oh, that’s what that was about.”

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        We were assigned Candide in high school, where in theory we should have been more ready for it, but the biggest takeaway my friends and I had was about the character who loses a butt cheek. We thought this was the greatest thing ever and we talked about it constantly.

        To this day, I remember nothing else about Candide.

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        Not nearly that bad, but my family and I have a very fond memory of taking the kids to a live performance of The Producers when they were 12 and 9. They were the youngest people in the audience.

        1. OyHiOh*

          As one may guess from my user name, I’m Jewish. I ADORE The Producers. My children adore The Producers. As elementary school age children, they were known to burst out in Springtime for Hitler at inopportune moments, such as grocery stores, and at Hebrew School.

          The Hebrew School head was not a fan/follower of musicals and tried to have a very serious talk with me about that one.

    20. YNWA*

      I read A Clockwork Orange as an 8th grader and I was reading Stephen King by the time I was in 6th grade.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Ha, I tried to read a Clockwork Orange at some point in middle school and put it down on page one because I quite literally couldn’t understand it. It did not occur to me that that was the point.

        1. Cj*

          I was discussing what we watched in an intro to film class in college, and a friend told me to watch A Clockwork Orange. This is why before the day is when you could rent videos, so I can try watch it till years later when it was on some cable movie channel. I didn’t get to far into it before I quit.

          Not that long ago I thought of it again, and read the synopsis on Wikipedia. That is one strrraaaange story.

    21. Morning reader*

      An acquaintance told me that a librarian gave him “In Cold Blood” when he was in elementary school, and it turned him into a reader.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I picked that up out of the “leave one take one” book box at my parents’ Masonic Temple when I was 9 and have been a true crime nut ever since.

    22. Filosofickle*

      I also read Clan of the Cave Bear young! My most “out of age” pick was that Thomas Hardy was my favorite author. In the 5th grade! I read them over and over. Maybe the soapy, serialized format was appealing? I was an astute kid but couldn’t have understood the subtext or themes well.

    24. fueled by coffee*

      My mom’s Amy Tan books at age 8. Was I physically capable of reading the words? Sure. Did I understand a single thing that was happening? Nope. I picked them up because I recognized Amy Tan’s name from the PBS show Sagwa (based off a children’s book she wrote), and it was inconceivable to me that her adult books would not also be about talking cats. Maybe it’s time to revisit them as an adult :)

      That said, I did learn a lot about the world from reading books that were just slightly too “mature” for me. I remember self-censoring and putting down plenty of young adult novels that felt too mature for me when I was around 10-12 — which I think is a point that’s often missed in these discussions: I didn’t WANT to be reading graphic depictions of sex at that age and so I didn’t until I was mature enough.

      But, on the other hand, even though my parents gave me very medically accurate puberty/sex-ed information, they couldn’t possibly cover everything I needed to know, and I learned a lot of useful information about things that I would have been too embarrassed to ask them from reading these books, usually related to puberty. But I also remember coming across “Another Kind of Cowboy,” a young adult(?) novel about a gay teenager. I knew at the time that gay people existed (a student in my elementary school class had two moms), but had never made the connection between *adults* being gay and those adults having once been gay tweens/teens (I know, I was not the brightest 10 year old). We certainly didn’t have any media representation of gay tweens on Nickelodeon or Disney Channel in the early 2000s, and nobody was talking about it in middle school health class. I still think back on that as being crucial for developing my understanding of the world and helping me be empathetic instead of shocked when I eventually had friends come out a few years later.

    25. Pekelady*

      8th grade book report on Valley of the Dolls. Only the teacher was lazy and didn’t want to read 35 reports — handwritten because latest tech at that time was an electric typewriter. The assignment became to turn in a list of ten words, with definitions, that we had to look up in a dictionary. The words/phrases I didn’t know weren’t in the dictionary. It was…challenging.

    26. TPS reporter*

      I read Roots when I was 12 and cried like a baby. It was probably a good thing though to be more aware of the world early? Also was super into Stephen King very young, no clue how I got away with that.

    27. matcha123*

      Jurassic Park came out the summer before I started fifth grade and when I finally got to see it, I was hooked. Because it was based on a novel, I begged my mom to buy me the novel for xmas, not the kids’ movie version.
      The novel is sooo scary. It’s possible I got it in sixth grade, making me 11. With that said, it’s still one of my favorite books and I just re-read it a few months ago.

      Aside from Jurassic Park, I was on a huge scary movie kick in elementary school. I watched “It” (on vhs) at a friend’s house and the Shining, too. Word on the street was that Stephen King was *the* king of horror, so I checked out Cujo or Pet Cemetery from the library in fifth or sixth grade, so age 10 or 11, and started to read it. And…I returned it. His writing about women’s bodies was too graphic for me then (and now). I haven’t tried to read anything by him since.

      The last I can think of would be the Hot Zone. There was some movie, I think it was called “Outbreak,” that the book was based on. Since I couldn’t see the film, I borrowed the book and read it in sixth grade when I was 10/11.

      As you can see I chose my titles based on movies. I probably watched more things that some adults would consider inappropriate for younger kids than read.

    28. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Part of me is still convinced that the main point of To Kill a Mockingbird is about the scary neighbor Boo Radley, because that was what impressed me the most the first time I read it. All the actual points went whoosh right over my head.

      I also stopped reading Jane Eyre very abruptly when the lady with the purple face turned up in Jane’s bedroom at night. Nope, nope nope. It’s still one of the freakiest things I’ve ever read, even though on re-read a bit older it was only mildly scary.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        I never got that far in Jane Eyre, but I was a first grader. It was by far the fattest book on the shelf of books that our classroom had for reading time. I could read it perfectly well, and I tried to, repeatedly. But to a seven-year-old, it was a total snooze-fest. I could get through the part with the boarding school, which was merely depressing, but then it got so boring that I’d rather just read the baby books…again.

        Had a similar reaction to Tolstoy, which I also read way too young, because I was a pretentious little nerd and would reliably make a beeline to the fattest book I could get. Should really try again as a grown-up.

    29. Slinky*

      Maeve Binchy’s Light a Penny Candle. My mother gave it to me to read, reporting that it was about a little girl sent to live in Ireland during World War II. This is an accurate description for the first 1/6 of the book. After that? Sex, alcoholism, and murdering people for playing bridge. (At least, this is my memory of it.) When I mentioned that to my mother, she was shocked. She honestly only remembered the 100 or so opening pages and forgot that it tracked the characters through their rather messed up adulthood.

    30. EvilQueenRegina*

      I’ve actually been thinking about this recently, what are people’s thoughts on the age for reading Lord of the Flies? When I was in Year 6 at primary school (10 years old) we had this student teacher start reading that to us, but we didn’t get very far before he asked us what we thought of it. Some people in the class complained that they were finding it boring because “they’re all just talking now” (we had got to where Ralph had just become chosen chief) so it was replaced with something I don’t even remember now. Ages afterwards I did hear things about the story that made me wonder about the choice of the story for 10 year olds.

      I am now reading that myself (I’m watching The Wilds right now, which made me think back to that and decide to finally finish it) but I’m only about at the place where we left off in Year 6, so I can’t really comment at this point.

      1. UKDancer*

        We did it when I was about 14 I think. I thought it was very dull and also not that surprising that they devolved into violence (as I thought most children were violent). I didn’t much like reading stories about children. I liked escapism (history, romance, science fiction) and didn’t much care for other children.

        I think 14 is probably about the right age to be thinking about it, I just didn’t much like it. But then I didn’t really like anything we had to study at school as studying books seemed really boring to me. You had to sit there and discuss them at length and couldn’t just get on with reading them and finding out what happened and re-reading the good bits.

      2. Felis alwayshungryis*

        I think we did it at about 14-15. I didn’t like it; I was bored by it and couldn’t relate – whether that was because it was about a group of boys or just a bit dated I don’t know. A couple of years later we did The Handmaid’s Tale and I got along with that much better because it was about stuff that really mattered (though thinking about it now, with a similar message on people’s propensity for brutality in the right setting. I’m to this day grateful we did that one; thank you, Mrs Dench.

    31. GoryDetails*

      Sooooo many books! Thing is, I was an early and avid reader, happy with fairy-tales-for-kids as well as unexpurgated-fairy-tales-NOT-for-kids. Would browse the Encyclopedia Britannica for fun, especially the anatomy section. [I think my folks left some “where babies come from” books on the family shelves intentionally so that I would find them by myself. I did.]

      Problem is, I could and did read well beyond my grade/age level – and while I could pass a reading-comprension test as to the vocabulary and the obvious content, I often completely missed the more adult concepts. (It didn’t help that so many of my English-lit teachers tended to go by rote plans, as in “parrot the theme of the book word for word the way I told you in class,” attempts to discuss alternative viewpoints distinctly not welcome. Though I’ve wondered since whether some of those teachers would have loved a lively debate, had I had the interest/nerve to attempt it. I learned early on to pass the tests with the answers they wanted, and enjoy the books for my own reasons on the side.)

      Amusing note: one of my – I’m thinking sixth-grade? – books was Ivanhoe, which I enjoyed as a thrilling adventure with knights and even a guest appearance by Robin Hood. (I was also on Team Rebecca/Ivanhoe, though even at that age it was clear to me why it wouldn’t have worked out.) But I spaced on a lot of the grimmer elements (or else our copy of the book was – gasp – abridged, which is entirely possible). Anyway, a few weeks ago I read The Hired Girl about a precocious farm-girl whose main education consisted of one interested teacher and three books, one of which was Ivanhoe. And from that she gleaned enough knowledge to impress the Jewish family she went to work for after running away to the big city. (They did have to tell her a few harsh truths about how anti-semitism was still very much a concern in their current times, not just an artifact of the middle ages…)

    32. Hoooot dog*

      When I was about 10, it was “The Accidental Tourist” a book about a midlife crisis and the breakdown of a marriage, with sex in it if I recall. I remember my mother being weirded out that I was reading it, and I’m sure I missed most of the action, but I actually recall enjoying it haha. Looking back on it, yeah that was a weird choice. I was a weird kid.

    33. MEH Squared*

      I tried to read both The Scarlet Letter and War and Peace when I was in sixth grade just because I wanted to read adult books and the biggest book I knew. I hated the former (thought the minister was a jerk and Hester got a raw deal). I gave up on War and Peace after 500 pages because I had no clue what was going on. Everyone had so many nicknames and I had no idea who was who. Oh, and I read Wifey by Judy Blume at a too-young age because I loved her child-appropriate books.

    34. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Literally everything by Jim Butcher. After I demolished the Mystery shelf of the kids section, the librarian (with my mom’s permission) set me loose in the adult Mystery aisle, recommending Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie. Butcher was on the same shelf as Christie and Doyle, so of course I noticed the big line of novels about a wizard detective! This would have been about 5th or 6th grade, I think… I’m pretty sure Harry Dresden was the first protagonist I recognized as being a misogynist, it’s definitely the first time I figured out that the protagonist doesn’t have to be a pleasant person to be interesting!
      Besides that, I read pretty much everything by Charles Dickens during middle school. For fun. Everyone thought I was crazy but I felt completely vindicated: “look, the world IS unfair, and there ARE ways to make it better!!” Side note, I’m pretty sure Dickens is the most sarcastic narrator of all time. I have a theory that Terry Pratchett got some inspiration from him.

    35. Might Be Spam*

      I was a voracious reader. By the end of 7th grade I had read everything in the kid’s section of the library that was the least bit interesting and the librarians wouldn’t let me in the teen or adult sections.

      I started reading all of my dad’s science fiction books. My mom started in the Science Fiction section with A and if his or my library card number wasn’t stamped in it, she would check it out for us. We could get twice as many books by using both cards. We read the whole Science Fiction section and started over with A again with anything new that had been added.

      Mom didn’t read any of them and didn’t know about the alternative lifestyles and misogyny, especially in early science fiction. Most of it went over my head and now I flash back and realize what things meant.

      Years later, my dad admitted that if Mom knew what I was reading she would have stopped it. I’m not sure why he never said anything about it at the time. The only time he said anything was when I read his copy of “How To Win Friends And Influence People” in 6th grade. Maybe because I was the oldest of only daughters and it was something we had in common, even though we never talked much. Or he was afraid mom would stop going to the library for him.

      (I also read all of my mom’s mystery books. I don’t think there was anything she would have objected to.)

    36. BugHuntress*

      Smilla’s Sense of Snow, a Scandinavian novel about a woman who falls in love with a superintelligent ape (!)

      Shardik, the forgotten thousand-page novel by the Watership Down guy about a guy in ancient times who hunts a legendary bear for 950 pages and has feelings and ritual sex with temple maidens for the other 50

      The “Life Is Hell” Matt Groening books (which are way darker than the Simpsons)

    37. Decidedly Me*

      Clan of the Cave Bear series here too! It was a gift from my mom’s friend, but with my mom full well knowing the content and giving her ok.

    38. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Not really mine, but my grandmother was a hell of a reader. The library was constantly ringing her father (a Fleet Street journalist) to check he knew what books she was issuing. And there’s a wonderful story about her stopping and having a tantrum c. 1929, refusing to move until her father told her why Oscar Wilde went to prison.

    39. PostalMixup*

      I also read Clan of the Cave Bear way too young! I think I picked it up at a yard sale or something. We read Brave New World in freshman English in high school. I’m fairly certain that part of the reason I hated it was because I was way too young.

    40. Skeeder Jones*

      I was always reading inappropriate material because I picked up any book laying around, and my parents were readers. The most inappropriate were 2 picks I picked out of my uncle’s bookshelves when I visited there at 12:
      A biography of Linda Lovelace (she of the Deep Throat videos), I don’t remember the title
      Fear of Flying by Erica Jong, which is pretty much start to finish sex scenes

    41. Nicki Name*

      Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. Liked the first three, didn’t care for the last two. Also by Douglas Adams, the Dirk Gently books and Last Chance to See (nonfiction about endangered species).

      20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Journey to the Center of the Earth.

      Maus, a graphic novel about the author’s father’s experiences in the Holocaust.

      And I read Flowers in the Attic too, along with like half my fifth-grade class.

    42. Person from the Resume*

      Stranger in A Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.

      I read all the Heinlein and Asimov juveniles I could get from the library and expected Stranger in a strange land to be more of the same. It was not! All that free love and sex was too much for naive, Catholic me and philosophy I didn’t understand or care about.

      I have never reread it. Heinlein turned out to be pervert and a misogynist, though, so I’m not sure how false my memory of a cult leader having meaningless sex with hot chicks is and if the book has redeeming qualities.

      I did not read the moon is a harsh mistress until I was an adult and enjoyed it. I suspect the polygamy would have turned me off as a kid, but it didn’t bother me much as an adult. I wonder if I reread it now if the politics would have more impact. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        My dad handed me The Moon is a Harsh Mistress at age 11 and then I was hooked on sci-fi. I don’t remember much of it but I definitely remember being a bit surprised that I was reading it with full parental approval.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I was 13 when I read it, after our year in the UK. I read a lot of Asimov, Heinlein, and Clarke as a young teenager.

    43. Alex*

      Clan of the Cave Bear was on my required reading list when I was 10, and the Great Gatsby when I was 12. My school was really into assigning “advanced” stuff, but while I could read it, some of it really was not appropriate thematically. And honestly, really kind of ruined reading for me, because so much of what we were required to read was really tough for me to relate to emotionally. I didn’t read for pleasure probably between 9 and 15.

    44. HannahS*

      Wicked. The musical came out when I was about nine and I was OBSESSED with it. A well-meaning family friend lent me the book and…whoa. It was a lot of sex, violence, and political intrigue for a story that I thought was about, like, friendship, standing up for what’s right, and being yourself. I still remember not at all understanding the political part and being upset that one character was cheating on his wife and comparing her, um, body hair to his lover’s body hair.

      It’s kind of like giving Victor Hugo’s book to a kid who likes Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, I also read this book called “Speaking of Sex” when I was about ten, which is a book for parents by an educator on how to talk to your kids about puberty, sex, safety, etc. I found it on a relative’s bookshelf and read through it one weekend.

        It led to some interesting gaps in my knowledge, because I wasn’t allowed to watch graphic TV. I knew what a dental dam was, but had no idea that people generally have sex lying down lol

    45. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I would say Nora Roberts at 14ish was a bit inappropriate. I haven’t picked up a book of hers in almost 2 decades (!!!!) but I recall lots of romance and sex (latter being inappropriate IMO).

      and I know it wasn’t a book, but I used to read A LOT of magazines when I was young, Seventeen and teen mags at 11-14 and then Cosmo, Glamour etc in HS. Cosmo especially could get pretty sexually explicit and I look back now and think….there’s no reason at age 14 I should have been reading those things.

    46. Fellow Traveller*

      When I was ten or eleven, I found a romance novel in my parents’ shelf called Champagne and Roses. It was about a fifty something empty nester whose husband leaves her so she starts a catering business and finds love with a sexy French man. Definitely read it surreptitiously. But it started a life long love with romance novels.

    47. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Just whatever was at the public library. Nobody ever told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t read something. And this was in the 50s and 60s. It was a nice “If you can read it, you may read it” situation. And now, to even things out, I’m reading a lot of old children’s books!

    48. WoodswomanWrites*

      An avid fan of stories about animals when I was a kid, I checked out George Orwell’s Animal Farm from the library. I think I made it through one chapter before deciding I had no idea what it was about. Come to think of it, I never picked it up again as an adult.

      I read Portnoy’s Complaint when I was something like 14. Eesh.

    49. allathian*

      My parents never censored my reading, although they did tell me very early on that it was okay to skip parts of the book or to stop reading altogether if something made me uncomfortable.

      I read a lot of Harlequin romances as a preteen, long before I’d even had my first crush. I never went to camp as a kid, but my sister and I did spend our long summer vacations on our grandma’s farm, and I had to read what was available. When I ran out of Harlequins, I grabbed Reader’s Digest, and read pretty much every article. Some stuff was probably too adult for me, and some of the older articles were certainly outdated, but I read all of them anyway. My grandma had at least 20 years’ worth of issues.

      I got the first 3 Clan of the Cave Bear books as a birthday present from my parents for my 14th or 15th birthday. The same year I also got a bunch of Anne McCaffrey’s Pern books. They’re a bit dated now, but as a teen I adored them.

      I read a lot of Stephen King as a teen, and I definitely had nightmares from reading Cujo when I was 13 or so.

    50. My heart is a fish*

      I also read Clan of the Cave Bear and the first of its sequels at… I want to say 14? Which is borderline I guess, but I definitely felt too young to be reading them. I have no idea what those books were doing in my school library….

      In a very different sense of your question, I read Animal Farm for the first time at… I want to say 8 or 9. Nothing really inappropriate in that book, but I was definitely too young for it in the sense that everything except the literal story went flying over my head. It was fun to go back and read it in middle school and go “Ohhh, this is about communism!” and then again in high school and go “Oh, this is very specifically about the Russian revolution and the rise of the Soviet Union, and these characters are direct analogues to specific people!”

    51. Anima*

      I somehow avoided books I wasn’t ready for as a child as well as a teen, despite moving on to the adult section pretty quickly. I attribute that to the friendly librarians at my local library and at the school library, not so much to my parents, because I started to get on the tram and drive to the library alone at about age 11? My parents had no control about my reading.
      I am just sooo glad I only read Watership Down in my twenties, had I found that even in my late teens (my copy has those cute bunnies at the cover), that would have scarred me for life.
      I do currently have a book on loan from my mom called “Käuzchenkhule” (please have fun pronouncing that, dear English speakers! ;) ) which I remember being an extremely excited adventure, but I read up on it and apparently it’s all GDR propaganda? (I’m born in the GDR, but shortly before the Berlin wall fell.) I will find out this summer if that’s true. I hope not, because that book was a big part of my childhood!

    52. fposte*

      I read a lot of books at a younger age than likely the author expected, but the one genuinely “too young” book was Nina’s Book by Eugene Burdick; it’s a story about a young woman who survived in a concentration camp by bartering sexual favors with the guards and what that meant for her relationships in a post-war life (the character was then driven to control men sexually), and I read it at eight. It didn’t help that the copy I read (I read it on vacation and this was in the owner’s library) had all the swearing scribbled out in pen (though of course you could still read it) and a note on the flyleaf about how awful it was, so I was trying to parse somebody else’s reading experience at the same time.

    54. Eff Walsingham*

      I am enjoying this thread so very much!

      Flowers in the Attic? YES. In Cold Blood? YES! A Clockwork Orange? YES! Valley of the Dolls? YES. Fear of Flying, YES. Jean Plaidy, yes. Regency romances, yes. A smattering of Stephen King. This was all before I was 14, because that was the year we moved, and I remember where I would sit and read.

      My family (nuclear and extended) were of the “if you can reach it you can read it” school, and they had a lot of shelves. My Mum worked at the library, and I think she thought my taste was shockingly lowbrow, but that I might outgrow it. *shrug* Whenever anyone calls me “well read” I usually say, “no, I’m much-read.” I’ll read anything… cereal boxes, you name it. I read fast, and I read a lot of schlock, because it relaxes me.

      I had already read a lot of Christie by the time I was 10 (in addition to Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden), and that summer I devoured all of Sherlock Holmes. I still love mysteries.

      But this thread is making me nostalgic for the trashy fiction of my childhood! :)

      1. Eff Walsingham*

        Ooh – also Ira Levin! “The Stepford Wives”! Possibly that was my introduction to psychological horror? I think I was about 13.

    56. pancakes*

      I think I must be around the same age, Alison, because I read a handful of sex worker books around that age too! The one by Sidney Biddle Barrows, “the Mayflower Madame,” was a big deal in the northeast, haha!

    57. Random Bystander*

      I’ve had a number of experiences:
      In 6th grade, there was a bookshelf where we could select books and every six weeks we were to take a book and write a report on it. One of these occasions, I found _The Scarlet Letter_ and began reading it. As usual, the teacher came around in that first week to see what we were reading and she snatched the book away from me, declaring that I was “much too young” to read it. Of course, I’d gotten about 50 or so pages in, and was finding it excruciatingly boring (what I have since dubbed the 5 deadly words: “I don’t care what happens”), so I never bothered trying to get it from the library. Subsequently, when I reached 10th grade, it was assigned reading, and I kept turning pages trying to find what had been so horribly inappropriate–and never did figure it out. (Yeah, adultery, baby out of wedlock, etc … but it’s not like there was anything even remotely graphic.)

      When I was 11, I had found _Animal Farm_ on the shelves at my grandparents’ at Thanksgiving (so before the Scarlet Letter incident), and on getting home on our weekly visit to the library I selected _1984_ since it was by the same author as Animal Farm (I had learned that I was likely to enjoy other books by same authors already). The librarian didn’t want to allow me to take it out because I was “too young”, but my mom insisted that I be allowed (“anything she doesn’t understand will go over her head”), so I got the book and read it. I remember being so mad at the ending (I realized he had to die, but I wanted him to cling to his “few cubic inches” of his own and still hate Big Brother).

      After that, the librarians never made any objections to books that I wanted to read, and I read through every volume in the local library by the time I was 17, which included Bugliosi’s _Helter Skelter_, Capote’s _In Cold Blood_, and a whole host of other very graphic true-crime books, most of those when I was 14-15 years old.

    58. Bob-White of the Glen*

      John Saul Books. I think I read Suffer the Children when I was about 11 and am still angry about the ending. Also, Audrey Rose about the same age. So sad to think of a little girl burning alive.

    59. All Hail Queen Sally*

      My mom kept her stash of “adult” reading material in a box under her bed. I was about 10 or so and I would crawl under there and read her True Confessions and other magazines with “shocking” stories like My Sister was a Go Go Dancer. (It was the 1960’s.) After overhearing (eavesdropping) her and my aunts talking about some books they were reading, I found and read Peyton Place, Candy, and a book about sexual positions using little wooden figurines in the pictures.

  52. WellRed*

    The question above about having a lawyer deal with probate reminds me of my other question. My moms lawyer died. She says they sent her file to her (probably a will, not much else). I thought this was … odd they didn’t send to another attorney. Is it? And I guess it’s ok for her to have? She may be moving states next year so doesn’t want to (and too cheap to spend money) find a lawyer here.

    1. CTT*

      Was this a solo practitioner or someone at a larger firm? If it was a solo practitioner, someone would have had to step in to close out the files, so finding a new lawyer for her probably wouldn’t be top of their radar.

      Also, fwiw, I am not an estate planning attorney but I work with several, and my understanding is that who keeps the original of the will is more personal preference than hard rule. Since you mentioned that she might be moving states soon, she or the executor should definitely hold onto it since the court will need the original; otherwise someone would have to request it from the law firm which would be a pain and not another issue you want to deal with at that time. My parents keep their wills in their safety deposit box, and my sister has a copy of the key in her capacity as being the named executor.

      1. CTT*

        (Also will again caveat all of this that this is not my area, but just what I gathered from my parents’ estate planning, so grain of salt!)

    2. Filosofickle*

      I helped close out the estate of a lawyer and that’s how we did it. Except we asked first — we notified the client and asked them what we wanted to do with their file — to ensure we had the right info and not just mail stuff willy nilly. It’s okay for her to have AFAIK (I have mine) but there should be a copy somewhere safe and accessible to a trusted person who can put things into motion if necessary.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Plenty of lawyers actually don’t do a very good job with their succession planning. It’s especially a problem for solo practitioners and lawyers in very small firms — which is the large majority of lawyers. Could be that your mom’s lawyer had a bad plan, or no plan at all, for how to wind down their practice and deal with files after they retired or passed away. It’s not best practices at all, but it’s very common. So if it’s a no-plan scenario, whoever came in to dissolve the practice and take care of the clients probably came in and simply returned everybody’s files to them with a short letter explaining what happened and advising them to find a new lawyer.

      Going forward, I’d suggest that anyone who needs to hire a lawyer should ask what the office’s succession plan is. It’s not a rude question and as Boomers are retiring and passing away it’s become a very relevant topic of lawyers’ professional responsibility practice.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Just a PSA. I went for a copy of my will from our attorney and he had thrown the file out. Never called me. He remained in business, too. It’s good that they at least sent the file.

      No I will never go back to that attorney. But somehow I think that was the point behind him throwing the file out.
      He never sent us a bill. Months flew by and one day I had time on my hands (NOT) so I camped out in his waiting room until I was handed a bill. I paid it immediately. smh. This attorney was helped us initially, but that was short lived.

      Keep the will in a fire safe, since it’s the only copy. If she moves it might make sense to redo the will depending on the contents in the will.

  53. Sundial*

    Any other short people know of a place to shop for sofas and recliners designed for us? Just trying everything in a store is tiresome and unsuccessful.

    Specifically, husband and I both have short upper legs (hip to knee) and so we can’t sit properly upright on most furniture without either painfully slouching or having our legs stick straight out, because the edge is below our knees. I’d like to have properly-scaled chairs instead of being forced to use footstools constantly like a child.

    1. Virtual Light*

      My (short) godmother had a comfy chair made so her feet would touch the floor comfortably at a custom furniture store. It wasn’t cheap but not exorbitant either. Good luck!

    2. AllTheBirds*

      Would it help to search “apartment size seating”? Maybe things that are overall scaled down for small apt. living would be better for you.

    3. coffee is my friend*

      We just went to several shops and sat on a lot of couches. The best was the non chain store because an employee new her inventory and really helped. We were also able to get a chair from Wayfair by looking at dimensions . Second looking for an apartment couch. Also our prior one was from Ikea and fit me perfectly

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Best of luck on the right-sized furniture search.
      I’ve resorted to foam bolsters for my back to rest on and foot stools for my feet. Hubby is tall, so he’s happy with our furniture. Congrats on being roughly the same size!

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        That’s been my experience, I need pillows behind me to sit on every couch I’ve ever seen. I was able to find a very comfortable desk chair, however! Gaming chairs are rated for spending HOURS in, and they’re almost ridiculously adjustable! I got mine from Staples, and it moves up and down, reclines, the arms move up and down and rotate, plus the lumbar support moves up and down. I had to remove the “neck support” though, it was 3/4 of the way up my head!

    6. Mary S*

      I’ve somewhat successfully shopped online by measuring a chair I have that is comfortable for me to sit in, and then reading through all the measurements of furniture listings online.

      I saw La-Z-Boy recommends different recliners, etc., for different height ranges and seems to have petite versions of some of their furniture, which I’m very interested in, but can’t vouch for because I haven’t been able to get over to the store yet to try them out.

    7. Dragonfly7*

      My parents had a pair of wooden swivel rockers with removable cushions made for them by someone in a local Amish community. Definitely not inexpensive, but I bet they’ll last for the rest of their lives and then some.

    8. Anono-me*

      If you are in the USA or Canada, you might find something at antique stores. The average height of people in the USA and Canada increased dramatically after WW2. So furniture from preWW2 might suit.

    9. HannahS*

      I have a La-Z-Boy Kennedy sofa and really like it. I’m 5’2 and still need a pillow behind my back, but my husband is 5’4 and finds it perfect (I also prefer to sit pretty upright compared to other people.) Would recommend! Super, super comfy. Alas, not the very trendy EQ3 sofa I originally wanted, but much more comfortable.

  54. Virtual Light*

    I read 1984 in middle school. My mom was an English teacher, and when she saw me reading it, she advised me to stop and read it when I was older but did not take it away.

    When I finished it I kind of wished she had! That ending scarred me- my reading experience thus far had not included unhappy, let alone devastating, endings for the protagonists. I don’t think I had realized it was even possible to do that!

    Props to Orwell’s writing though- he kept me engaged!! I think the totalitarian stuff as an analogy to our world and systems went right over my head. I thought it was a very very tragic story about one man.

    It did increase my later appreciation of Bowie’s dystopian albums, though. (IIRC he was a fan of the book and wanted to do a (musical?) stage production of 1984, but was shot down by the Orwell estate.)

    1. Virtual Light*

      Nesting fail- meant in reply to Alison’s post about books above. Can be deleted, I copied it up there. Sorry!

  55. Jennifer*

    Hi Everyone – Do you have any book recommendations for a for a 11-year-old girl that’s struggling a bit with self esteem? It’s for my niece and she’s been making negative comments about her appearance and kind of withdrawing a bit. Just looking for anything that has a strong message about loving yourself for who you are.

    1. Virtual Light*

      Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books are so affirming that I was enchanted with the audio books as an adult. Strong empowerment message as well as doing what is right. Also very funny. They go from Tiffany being about 8 to her being a young adult.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      This is a bit of a devious one.

      Scott Westerfeld. Start with the Leviathan series, which is steam punk with a young female protagonist passing as a boy so she can work on the living dirigibles. Anyone’s appearance is irrelevant. If she enjoys that, she’d be set up for his Uglies series, in which society has been set up around little kids are cute, adolescents awkward, and when you finish growing they make you surgically beautiful. Oh, and put in the mind control thing too. (Basically I’d worry that it’s a little too on-the-nose to start with Uglies, like it will be Good For Her.)

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        Oh yeah, the Leviathan series was awesome, it does actually touch on characters being nervous about passing or hiding what they look like (the girl passing as a boy looks either way young or slightly feminine, and the boy is famous nobility in hiding), but none of it is related to trying to be attractive (that I remember).

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      A Mighty Girl is a great source for this kind of thing! They occasionally do blog posts on themes like hair or body acceptance, but here’s the master list which you can filter by age: https://www.amightygirl.com/books/personal-development/health-wellness/self-esteem-confidence

      Personally I would recommend “Stargirl” and “Roller Girl” for ones that deal directly with confidence and fitting in, or “A Wrinkle in Time” for one that isn’t ABOUT that but has a protagonist who deals with a lot of negative feelings about herself.

    4. Frankie Bergstein*

      She’s probably a bit old for this, but I really like Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls. It’s also a podcast with actor Poorna Jagannathan.

    5. Generic Name*

      In addition to books to build her up, I would suggest she spend less time on social media. The reason girls and women (and increasingly boys and men too—to ward off the inevitable #notallmen comments) hate they way they look because media tells us our bodies and faces need fixing with products you can buy.

      1. AnonAcademic*

        Or, if she is on social media and not likely to get off, follow confident happy people of all sizes. On TikTok I would recommend @itsmaryfran and @lizzo; I also like @fringeish.

        Also recommend finding some kind of movement to do on the regular, whether it’s sports, biking, hiking, yoga, curling, Quidditch, geo-caching, Pokemon Go, gardening, dog-walking business, etc!

        1. Jennifer*

          She’s skateboarding now! Not what I expected but I’ll take it. We’re having fun trying not to fall. We also like hiking.

      2. Jennifer*

        Good suggestion. She’s not on social media as far as I know, but it’s possible those messages are still sneaking through.

        1. Observer*

          Those messages are coming through loud and clear. Anyone who thinks that those messages only show up on social media haven’t been paying attention.

          1. Observer*

            Which is to say that while keeping her off of social media for the time being is a good idea, you still need to counteract the toxic ideas that come through.

            Something that might be useful is some stuff on media literacy in general and some specifics about advertising and the beauty industry. If she begins to understand that all of these gorgeous women she’s seeing are either literally not real because the real person has been photo-shopped to the nth degree, or they are abusing themselves to look this way, it might help her shift her thinking. And even if it doesn’t, it will still be useful to understand how media and advertising can manipulate us if we’re not alert.

    6. Aphrodite*

      It is off your criteria about loving yourself for who you are but I wonder if she might find enjoyment in reading Mary Roach’s book. Mary is an incredible science author with a wicked sense of humor and a passion for science. If she’d been around when I was in high school I probably would have become a scientist after reading STIFF. A bit gross but totally compelling. (And it will probably take your niece out of herself and her appearance and into larger things.)

    7. Jennifer*

      Thanks everyone for your suggestions! It’s been a while since I’ve been that age and not having kids I was drawing a blank beyond my timeless Judy Blume novels.

    8. ecnaseener*

      Tamora Pierce’s Circle of Magic series is great for this. (All of her books are to an extent, but this one has 4 protagonists at the right age with all different traumas and insecurities to work through.)

    9. Patty Mayonnaise*

      In the realm of affirming books, I’d look into Shannon Hale’s books and Raina Telgemeier’s books. They deal with self esteem issues in this age group in a realistic way. El Deafo is about a girl with hearing loss but she also deals with looking different. Yes I have recommended all graphic novels :)

      1. Jennifer*

        I love Shannon Hale! I just got my younger niece her Diana, Princess of the Amazons book.

    10. Eff Walsingham*

      I just looked it up, and “Anne of Green Gables” is 11 years old at the start of the series of the same name. She struggles with feeling ugly because she has red hair and freckles (very unfashionable at the time) even though adults around her keep saying that it’s what’s inside that counts. Among the many predicaments she gets into are a few based on trying to live up to conventional beauty standards of her day.

      I understand that these books are still hugely popular in Canada and Japan because they are funny and relatable but still have a strong message that how we treat others is more important than money or appearances. Since they date back to 1907(?) some expressions used are not current, so it’s helpful if the young reader is a bit of a vocabulary nerd. I put my husband on to them a few years ago, and he loved them despite being a Stephen King fan of a certain age.

  56. Cj*

    I happened to notice while reading comments on Slate this week that some user names there are the same as some here. So if there are any other members of the “small but prolific group of weirdos” out there, happy weekend, and get a pregnant cat! (actually, please have all your pets spayed and neutered, but if you read comments on Dear Prudie, you will understand this comment).

    3. Double A*

      I comment at a fairly frequent rate but not quantity on Slate under a different name so I get the reference! I mean, I’m an advice column addict, I read all that I can find, and I have Opinions so I tend to comment.

  57. Running shoes for walking*

    I don’t run, but I do a lot of walking. Let’s say 20-30 km/week– something like 2 times 8-10km, plus a few 3 km walks. I generally buy running shoes because I find them comfortable. How long should I expect the shoes to last? Is there any brand that does better? I went to the specialty running store in my town last year, but they weren’t interested in helping me, just said I should buy the most expensive shoes they had and walked away from helping me. (yes, I’m a grey-haired old lady, but that doesn’t mean I don’t walk). Recommendations? brands? Unrealistic in expecting the shoes to last a year? The other shoes I use are keen targhees that have lasted 4 or 5 years. Any reason I shouldn’t stick with those?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Keen are really good. I’d also recommend Merrell. I got my Merrell walking shoes at REI, where I would expect good customer service.

      My understanding is that running and walking impact the foot and ankle in different ways and so want different shoes (if you’re using it mostly for only one), but I imagine that is overshadowed by individual comfort.

      1. Golden*

        I really enjoyed my Merrell shoes too! I used them mainly for walking but did some jogging as well, and got about 9 months of heavy use out of them before needing a new pair.

    2. YNWA*

      Running shoes are designed to break down within 6 months to 1 year. Walking shoes last a little longer but you’re still looking at 1 year to 1.5 years before they start to give you pains. I walk about 25 miles a week and I recommend Saucony and New Balance. They aren’t totally ugly (I think Keens are hideous) and they’re comfortable and durable. I also shop Sierra Trading Post for their sales. You can get some sweet shoes for $40, $70 for Gore Tex or equivalent.

    4. Denaranja*

      I have to wear really supportive shoes due to sesamoiditis. I tried so many tennis shoe brands and my favorite are Saucony. I also buy orthotic insoles from PowerStep to support my high arches. The combo of both are fantastic!!

    5. ThatGirl*

      I spent a year or so trying to become a runner and got proper shoes and everything and…I hate it. But I still wear the good shoes for walks. I stick with Brooks Adrenaline and replace them every 18-24 months (usually keep the old pair for quick errands and dog walking). How long they last depends as much on how frequently you use them as anything. But I’d say at least a year.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I find that shoes rated for stability or heavier runners last longer because they have a more substantial build. I can get a year out of them, sometimes a little more. I’m a fan of Saucony. I can’t recall the model name but they have a search thing on their site that will point out those attributes.

      I find that if you pick a model you like, you can usually find last year’s edition for about half price on outlet sites.

    7. AY*

      I get a new pair of Brooks Adrenalines every year for my birthday. I think you’re supposed to replace running shoes more often than that, but it works for me.

    8. Decidedly Me*

      Running shoes last about 6-12 months. I get stability shoe versions due to overpronation and they are my daily shoes. The timeline is about right – I watch the tread wear and replace based on that. No specific brand for me – I see what feels good when I go in. I think recent ones have been Saucony, Brooks(?), and Hoka

    9. LGC*

      I am so sorry that you had that experience – that’s awful! And shouldn’t have happened, to be quite honest – even if you’re not A Runner, you’re still a customer.

      Anyway, so. Looking at your weekly estimate…yeah, a year sounds reasonable. The general rule of thumb for runners is to use their shoes for 500-800km (or 300-500 miles), and there’s two major differences: Runners obviously put higher impact on their shoes, and often can notice degradation earlier. (Honestly, once I’m done with my running shoes for actual training I “retire” them for general use.)

      My general rec for you if you do switch would probably be a highly cushioned trainer – I prefer those when I’m walking. Most major shoe brands will make that sort of style – Hoka One One is famous for this (and arguably started the more maximalist trend). But honestly…if your current shoes work and you can still find them, I find no reason to switch!

    10. Well Spouse Association member*

      Thank you for this question! I’m feeling better about having to replace my New Balance running (?) shoes after approximately 12 months.

      PSA for any other adults with short feet: My feet are small enough (women’s 6 1/2) that I can buy running shoes at the same children’s shoe store that our son outgrew years ago. Not tons cheaper, but a modest savings. But full disclosure: the store is not close to home. I may turn to zappos or 6pm online instead.

    11. Claritza*

      Check out Ryka. They only make shoes for women’s feet and are very consistent if you want to order online after you establish your size.

    12. WoodswomanWrites*

      For years now, my go-to shoes have been the Brooks Addiction (not the Adrenaline which is a different model). They were recommended by a podiatrist. I live in these shoes for day to day as well as for extended city walking and they’re comfortable on pavement. I have an arthritic toe and don’t feel it at all in these shoes. I know it’s time to replace them when that changes. They definitely last me a year.

    13. LLH*

      I walk 15-18 miles a week and my favorite shoes are the base model black Nikes. I think they are technically running sneakers but it’s the pair that is always $40-50 at the Nike outlet. They last me just about a year before they need to be replaced.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I would expect at least a year.

      I currently have to wear uber-flexible shoes and my original Merrell pair lasted more than a year of very heavy use through the spring and fall. I now retired it to the “messy weather” pair and have a second as my normal pair. (I liked these enough to buy a couple of backup pairs and put them on the shelf, since whenever I like something that’s the signal to stop making it.)

    2. KR*

      I’ve had a pair of Merrell hiking boots for about 6 years and they are still incredibly comfortable and the tread has not worn down at all. My husband has a pair that is 10+ years old and they are still some of his favorite shoes. I have a pair of Merrell sandals and I feel like they’ve gotten more comfortable the longer I have them. We’re big fans of Merrell’s in our household

      1. KR*

        Oh I just saw the rest of your posts. Whoops. Well if you’re interested in hiking boots Merrell is a good option. Not sure about that level of walking

  59. Frankie Bergstein*

    Are my fellow people pleasers out there?

    I’m working on mutual relationships — that is, I keep finding myself in relationships that are one-sided or at least lopsided. I know where this comes from (family of origin issues, cPTSD, and some of the structural factors affecting employment in the last decades — I.e., millennial malaise), so I’ve improved a lot in terms of saying no, not doing all of the work of maintaining relationships, and starting to learn how to set boundaries — saying no, advocating for my own needs, recognizing my limits (like how it can be exhausting to accommodate people all the time).

    Have any of you felt the same way, then transitioned to having close, mutual, satisfying friendships? I don’t mean romantic relationships or friendships where you hear from each other every couple of weeks or less but the much closer ones where you are up-to-date on each other’s lives, show up to celebrate good times, and show up with support in bad times.

    I have had these friendships over the decades. They come in and out as my/our needs change but often end when I just can’t anymore. I can’t be THE listener in the relationship and get a word in edgewise. I can’t be the only person taking interest. I can’t be the only person providing emotional support. Sometimes they fade for other reasons – moving, my friend got a big mental health diagnosis and stopped keeping up with people while she managed it, etc.

    Any thoughts / advice / reflections? You all have helped so much with these boundaries-related questions over the last few weeks. Fposte constantly has wise, practical things to share :)

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, fellow people pleasers are out there but they’re tough to find among the other personality types.
      I’ve ended one-sided “friendships” where I just couldn’t anymore. Unfortunately, I took WAY too long to walk away. It’s hard, especially since Covid takes away a lot of opportunities to make new friends. Still, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. Thank God for my spouse or I’d be lost.
      Good for you for learning to say no a lot more often and setting boundaries! That’s HUGE personal growth! Take any new relationship SLOWLY. Evaluate how you feel after an encounter. (Clue: a knot in your stomach is not good.) Don’t jump right in as a super helper in a social situation. Narcissists are watching for your type and will want to draw you in. They’ll start out with good behavior, then take advantage once they think you’re committed.
      Currently, we’re in tough times and people seem tense. The best I can offer is: hang in there and take very good care of yourself.

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        I hear you on taking too long to move on! And yessss for loving your own company & that of your spouse!

        Taking each new relationship slowly is amazing advice. It’s new to me. And so is checking in after.

        What do you think of intense but mixed feelings? Leaving a fun encounter with unpleasant confusion? My mind is saying to leave it be for now, maybe group hangouts or consider it again much later.

        “Don’t jump right in as a super helper in a social situation. Narcissists are watching for your type and will want to draw you in. They’ll start out with good behavior, then take advantage once they think you’re committed.”

        All of this is such good advice! I do tend to be a helper (although I’m working on it… I tell myself to be about more selfish). Doing this would help me see if they like me for me or for what I’m doing for them.

        Thanks for writing — this is such great advice!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        I love the advice about checking in with your body about how you feel when/after interactions. I had a cousin whose very name on my phone would make me tense. That was definitely a clue that dealing with her a lot was not improving my life.

    2. moonstone*

      Yes! I am a recovering people pleaser (largely thanks to counseling) and wish that there was more written on this topic. Strangely, there is not a ton of self help advice around people pleasing specifically.

      I’ve learned a lot of things over the past few years, but the main thing I try to remember is that I am “people”, too. One of my mantras is “Not me first, but me too.” It’s not selfish to look out for your interests.

      Also, situations where it is necessary to sacrifice your own interests for that of others do exist, but are not that common. If you’re a people pleaser, you are probably overestimating the amount of times this is the case, or are probably being manipulated by the people around you.

      1. moonstone*

        Forgot to mention, this definitely has resulted me in changing my friend group for the better over the past few years. Once I learned what boundaries were, I realized I was being taken advantage of.

        1. Frankie Bergstein*

          I’d love to hear more about this if you’re willing to share. This is the trajectory I hope my life takes, this is inspiring!

      2. Frankie Bergstein*

        I love your mantra of “not me first, but me too”. Also a good point that sacrificing my own interests (or not even considering them and just leaping to solve someone else’s problem) are gonna be needed quite rarely. I’d honestly never thought of that. With masking, for example, it’s in my & everyone’s interests. We are aligned. I bet there are lots of things like that.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      I’m a recovering people pleaser, and I see myself in what everyone’s said.

      I used to be helpful and generous because I thought that’s how a good person behaves. I still do, but now I’m discerning. When takers don’t appreciate my efforts and just want more, I pull back. When I feel resentful or worn out, I adjust. I’ve learned to put my own feelings and preferences first. I’m not a jerk about it, and that’s what makes it feel okay.

      I have a few rules of thumb. If I don’t want to do something, I say no kindly. I’m tired of traveling every single holiday, for example, so I sometimes say no to that. I usually offer an alternative that I like (e.g., “I’m not up to traveling on Christmas Day, but I can visit that Saturday instead, or you’re welcome to come here.”) One family member pressures and guilt trips me to do what she wants. I calmly stand firm. Mostly I no longer participate in one-sidedness. If someone pushes for everything done her way or talks on and on about herself with no interest in me, I avoid that person. I save my warmth, time, and energy for people who give back.

      I’m happy with the changes in my relationships. I’m closer to my favorite people, and I’m less close to the takers in my life. I haven’t had many opportunities to make new friends during the pandemic, but I’m getting to know a neighbor who seems really nice. I’m letting things unfold and take their time. My “picker” was broken for a while, but I trust that I’m learning which relationships to invest in.

    4. Spearmint*

      So, you talk about burning out because you feel like you’re the only close friend those people have. To be frank, it is really common for people to have only one or two close friends at a time, especially after college. So many will be happy to talk about their personal problems forever if you don’t signal that you want to move on from the topic.

      Have you tried setting boundaries with close friends without just cutting them out of your life? I have a friend who can ramble about his life and personal problems, but I just change the subject after 20-30 minutes or change our focus back to the activity we are doing together, and he never seems to mind. I think some of it comes down to figure out ways, both subtle and (if necessary) not-subtle, to signal that you’re done with a conversation topic, or that they’re coming to you too much for support, without acting like you’re never interested in being there for them. Setting boundaries don’t always have to be big, dramatic things, they can simply be “let’s talk about something else now”.

      It’s a tricky balance. I think to maintain close friendships you simultaneously have to be good at setting boundaries. At the same time, you’re never going to be able to maintain close friendships without sometimes doing things you’d prefer not to in order to maintain the friendship. Going back to that friend I mentioned earlier, I’ll listen to him ramble about his life for 15-20 minutes when we hang out because it maintains closeness, even on days when really would rather not, but then I also make sure we move on to something else after those 15-20 minutes are up.

      All this is easier said than done, of course. I’m a people pleaser too, so I get the struggle.

  60. Anon for this*

    Fellow readers, you have a lot of wisdom. How does one stop ruminating on things that are only hurting you?

    I keep thinking of missed opportunities and it really hurts. I try to distract myself. I try to think forward. I try mindfulness.

    It’s not working. So any suggestions how to cut off ruminations and move on toward happiness?

    1. OyHiOh*

      Tetris, or some other game that is repetitive and pattern seeking.

      The pattern seeking of the game interrupts the rumination/negative thinking pattern. Five or six years ago, there was a study done with US military veterans who have PTSD, playing Tetris for this purpose. It worked very well in the small pilot sample. I’m unaware of further research but I used Tetris on myself to good effect.

      1. anonagain*

        Small pilot sample, lol.

        My suggestion is similar. I find other things to focus on intensely. Crowd out the rumination. It only really works because my brain likes to latch onto things but I think that’s why I’m prone to ruminating in the first place. Instead of ruminating about how I should’ve moved somewhere else, I read a million articles about sprouting grains. (I’ve never actually sprouted grains.)

        Good luck, Anon for this.

    2. TPS reporter*

      I totally get this. One thing I have tried is finding art that explores the concept. Like The Road Less Traveled, how do you really know which path was better? You tell yourself you took the road less traveled but that’s a fiction. There are stories about multi verses, nostalgia for things that didn’t actually exist. In the latest season of Russian Doll the protagonist chases a key moment in her past she wishes she could change. Even when she thinks she changes it she winds up back in the same place.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Taking action helps, and getting involved / committed to projects and activities with other people. You ruminate less when you literally have less opportunity to ruminate. Also being physically active changes your brain chemistry and helps you sleep better – less of the lying-awake at night thing.

      Both of these things are also ways to turn your attention and intention toward the future and create new possibilities.

    5. Aphrodite*

      The choices you made yesterday are done and gone. But their results are here today. If you don’t like today then make different choices that will produce better results tomorrow.

      1. Been there*

        Repost after nesting fail In the meantime, Raging ADHD said it more concisely than me.^^

        Plan things and have things to look forward to.
        Force yourself to look forward (and to seize the opportunities of now. Don’t tell yourself it’s too late).
        Keep busy, especially physically (for me, sleep comes easier if I’m physically tired at the end of the day).
        If you’re to exhausted to do more, take a hard look at what’s essential and do less (pay money to outsource if you can), and use the extra time to do things that feel like achievements (good self esteem is a life changer).

        therapy can help you figure out why you didn’t seize the opportunities. It’s likely these same character traits/reasons are still holding you back now and underlying issues rarely just fix themselves.

        You can’t know the future. Even if your life doesn’t suit you now, any change will be a calculated risk and no doubt involve discomfort. If you wait for the perfect opportunity (as in you’re sure it’s the right decision and have to sacrifice nothing), you might wait forever and you’ll beat yourself up even more in a decade.

        And to paraphrase people smarter than me, it’s the facts you had when making a decision that make it good or bad, not the outcome. If you spend all your savings on loto tickets and win, you’re lucky, not smart.

        Good luck.

        1. Anon for this*

          Thanks!

          The thing is, I know why I made the choices but at the time I didn’t know I’d regret them so badly.

          I really want the “soundtrack of greatest regrets” to stop so I hoped people would have suggestions. Thanks for all comments on this.

          1. StellaBella*

            Find love and compassion for yourself. I have some regrets in life but I have looked at all the ways my life is better no longer being in those situations. Wishing you loads of luck.

          2. Squirrel Nutkin*

            Seconding! Try to forgive yourself for those choices, whatever they were — I am sure you made the best decision you could have made at the time given who you were then and what the circumstances were. It’s 100% okay to not be perfect, to make some mistakes, and then to learn and grow from those mistakes.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      My therapist friend suggests these 2 techniques.
      1)write your thought(s) on a piece of paper and burn it in a candle flame – safely.
      (This technique not only didn’t work for me; it would’ve turned me into an unintentional arsonist!)
      2) Mentally put your thought(s) in a balloon and watch it disappear into the stratosphere.
      (This works better for me: it shows me how small my concern is/was in the vastness of space and time.)
      You might have to do a technique several times for relief.
      My therapist friend also recommends “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns.
      One last thought: rumination could be due to OCD. You might want to check for that.
      I feel for you. Best of Luck.

    7. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

      This is a bit tangential, but the thought which popped into my mind is that you might like Barbara Sher’s book “I could do anything if I only knew what it was”.

    8. Sunshine*

      http://tlc.ku.edu/
      This researcher talks about this and the idea that creative tasks like playing an instrument help to jog out of ruminations. There is a link at the website to his discussion. it’s brief.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Love this idea! When I was upset about a very stressful time, playing music with a group took me right out of it, at least during rehearsal. Can’t fret about X if you’re trying to count measures and come in on time!

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      I suggest checking out the work of psychologist and University of Texas professor Kristin Neff, who with a colleague created practices known as mindful self-compassion. Lots of free stuff on her YouTube channel as well as the website for the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. You mentioned mindfulness wasn’t helpful but perhaps mindful self-compassion could be, which is different.

    10. Spearmint*

      I’ve found aerobic exercise really helpful to break these cycles. I started running a year ago and it’s made a world of difference for my mental health. I almost never spend time ruminating after a run.

    11. Esmeralda*

      In my experience, distracting yourself requires something that’s REALLY distracting. For me, that’s getting on the elliptical, putting on my punk playlist, and really pushing hard. Or taking a dance class (I’m a klutz, so even an easy dance class requires concentration). Yoga classes work for me too (because, klutz). Reading a page turner

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Some suggestions.

      NO ONE and I mean absolutely no one, gets through life with out having some regrets. Instead of seeing your regrets as unusual, reframe to telling yourself- “Oh now I am just like everyone else. They all have regrets, too.”
      Embedded here is dealing with the expectation of a regret-free life. That won’t happen. It’s okay to just accept it.

      When you ruminate on your regrets do you just go through the moment or time over and over? I’d suggest trying to find some rules of thumb so you do not make that same undesired choice again. One of the biggest reliefs I have found in dealing with regret is picking out some change in what I am doing or thinking. So I look at the WHYS and HOWS of the story of a particular regret and plot out what I will do differently the next time. Key part: I stick to my plan. I actually do something different when a parallel situation occurs.

      A big example I have is when I was 17 I had just gotten my license. Twenty days later I got into a bad, bad accident. Regret does not describe what I felt inside. My insides were so torn up because of how upset I was with my own carelessness. A few life habits came out of that accident. I never drive when I am tired any more. I was falling down tired that day. I made myself reframe that to thinking of being excessively tired and driving was as irresponsible as drunk driving. Another life habit that came out of that accident is that I no long let my passengers tell me how to drive- I will not drive faster on request, if i am already doing the speed limit. I will not let my passengers tell me to “go”, I will decide when I can enter traffic comfortably. I DO encourage my passengers to warn me to stop. I kept that “stop” part- when passengers say stop they are usually correct because this almost never happens. These are examples of some rules of thumb I came up with.

      Fast forward to current time. I have had passengers laugh at me for obeying speed limit signs. I have seen eye rolls when I say that I am too tired to drive. Oh well. I can live with myself. And isn’t that what dealing with regret is about? Taking the situation and turning it into something that we can live with.

      I still think of the other car I hit. I still think of that person in the car I hit 45 years ago. I hope that their injuries healed. I hope that they went on to have a good life. I throw good wishes for them out into the universe. That’s a bit woo-woo, I know. But it’s also represents a part of WHO I AM. I am not about hurting people rather the opposite, I want the best for them. I found I had to restate/reinforce, almost reclaim, the qualities about me that I liked.

      If you are ruminating, then a part of you is “stuck”. What are you willing to do to get yourself UNstuck? Change something that you are doing. Make changes one at a time, so you can see what is working and what is not. Keep going with one change at a time until life becomes lighter in some way and you can breathe again. It probably took me a good year to hammer out all the things I summarized in a couple paragraphs here. Grief, in this context here is profound dismay with ourselves, takes a while to process. Gently encourage yourself to move forward with practical steps.

  61. Girasol*

    Another medical billing question: TLDR: Do you pay upon receiving your insurance statement or wait for the doctor’s bill? … My SO went to a podiatrist who did an outpatient procedure. His hygiene was sloppy and he wouldn’t wear a mask though my SO is high risk, but instead lectured on libertarianism and how covid isn’t real. My SO went to another doctor for the infection resulting from the procedure. I watched for Dr. Dirty’s bill. I got an anonymous bill from a bill mill and I called Dr. Dirty’s office. They said it wasn’t theirs but said nothing more. Months later I’m thinking maybe they realized what a mess they made and wrote us off. Months more later, they call to say that if I don’t pay up it’s going to collections within the week. “I never got a bill!” I said. “We didn’t send one. You’re not signed up for statements.” They said I should have read the insurance’s coverage statement and spontaneously paid the balance from that. I never heard of such a thing. Is that normal and I just failed an adulting test?

    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      That doesn’t make any sense to me. I never pay till I get their invoice.

      I’d file a complaint with their licensing agency about the poor hygiene and resulting infection, and let them know if your new doc can attest to the reasons for the infection.

    2. PollyQ*

      I am a middle-aged person, and I’ve never, ever had any kind of medical practice work that way. That doctor is a hot mess in all kinds of ways.

    3. BRR*

      I believe every insurance claim I’ve gotten says “this is not a bill.” Insurance doesn’t do billing for doctors. Doctors do their own billing.

    4. Tib*

      That is not a thing. The doctor can’t outsource billing to the insurance company like that.

    5. BlueWolf*

      I think my HSA has an option to send a payment to the doctor based on the insurance claim, but I always just wait for the doctor’s invoice.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      No, it is totally normal to get an insurance statement (though sometimes I don’t) and later get a bill from the doctor, and I pay the doctor. I usually do this over the phone, but if I mailed a check it would be with the receipt and envelope the doctor sent with the bill.

      Exception: My dermatologist (referred when I got skin cancer, and now I see him a few times a year to freeze off anything pre-cancerous) takes a card upfront and charges the card after the insurance goes through, rather than send me a bill and wait to hear back.

    7. RagingADHD*

      No, because the provider might not bill you the same amount. Sometimes they write off the balance, or apply credits if you paid a copay that turned out to be unnecessary.

      If they gave your husband an infection, I would make a formal complaint and dispute the bill altogether. That’s not “sloppy,” that’s malpractice.

    8. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I always wait for the doctor to bill, because the doctors bill is how I know where to send payment! How are you supposed to know where to send the money? I feel like enough doctors outsource billing/payment that you can’t count on it being in their office.

    9. Stitch*

      No that is 100% not normal. Your date might have an insurance division or medical billing division and I would report them.

      I know after my surgery my insurance stated a very different number for some things than I actually got billed.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Nope, the doc is a skeezebucket and your insurance company isn’t the ones responsible for doing his billing.

    12. Random Bystander*

      No, it is not normal. The EOB you receive from your insurance will state specifically that it is not a bill. Usually you will get an EOB from the insurance once a month if you had services in that month (so it can have multiple accounts on it, for example, if you went in to your PCP for an annual check up, your SO did likewise, visit to a specialist, a mammogram, plus the doctor who reads the mammogram–all on the one EOB, but if you have patient responsibility on any of those, they could go to multiple offices). The doctor’s office does need to send a bill (though they can do paperless billing, but you do have to sign up for that). If you still have the random bill that you didn’t recognize, you might check that against the EOB you received, or call your insurance company for further info.

  62. Sunflower*

    For pharmacy/beauty products- should the entire container be filled with product?

    I was checking out sunscreen at Marshall’s yesterday and noticed a particular type of Coppertone sunscreen seemed half empty. Some other brands also seemed varying levels of empty while others felt totally full. Given I was at Marshall’s vs a pharmacy it’s totally possible all 20 of the bottles of Coppertone were defective but it made me start pondering if I should be comparing the fulness of bottles/products when I’m shopping. I could totally see companies only putting half the amount in an 8oz bottle and trying to sell it for more than the 4oz bottle. But I could also understand if there’s some physics involved that necessitate the bottle to be not totally full.

    1. PollyQ*

      Maybe not 100% full, since then it’ll spurt out when it’s first opened. But they should be almost entirely full, and the volume/weight listed on the contained needs to be accurate by law.

      Marshall’s may be something of a special case though, since it’s selling used/damaged goods. I’d expect that the same products sold in grocery or drug stores would be correctly filled, and might even have an internal seal under the cap.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’d bet that they weren’t defective per se, but that they were either returns or had been opened and used by other shoppers who put them back.

      I’ve seen some very bad behavior in Marshall’s.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Just for the heck of it, I took a box of crackers I bought at a regular grocery store and tossed them on a scale. The box and contents weighed less than what it said on the box. I think this happens more often than we realize. Fortunately laws are pretty clear, the package has to contain what it says it contains.

      Additionally, it’s poor cost control to put a product in a container larger than necessary. If something appears part way empty, it might very well be part empty.

      I never hesitate to ask for a reduction in price if I think the item has been used, or leaked or whatever.

      I think in Marshall’s case as with many retailers there are too few employees and everything is rush-rush-rush, so no one notices when one item is lighter than other similar items. If I wanted the item anyway, I would just ask for a reduction in price in consideration of the fact that the container is not full.

  63. AnonAcademic*

    I’m mid-40’s and have yet to adopt any facial care routine (except sunscreen) but am interested in exploring a basic routine. However, facial skincare is so complicated! Multiple cleansers! Serums! Vitamin C! Eye creams! Scary-sounding ingredients! What are the basics of a good routine? Even Googling this turns up articles trying to sell you things, so they seem overly complicated. Suggestions? Hopefully 2 pm on Saturday is not too late to get some answers. I have pretty average, straightforward skin, I believe.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This is my new interest since I’ve finally realized that skincare in my 40s needs to be different from what I had been doing. Since I’m currently obsessed with this, I want to answer! I’d say the true basics, no frills minimum would be:

      Morning — moisturizer (if you have dry skin), sunscreen
      Night — cleanser, moisturizer

      From there, you can add anything else you want. You don’t really need a separate eye cream as long as you moisturize around your eyes. (I use one because I like being fancy but you don’t really need a separate product for that area). If you have specific issues that you want to combat (like skin texture or red spots or hydration or so forth), you could use a serum for that issue and/or an active (like Vitamin C, an AHA, or a retinol). If you want to fight fine lines, the gold standard is tretinoin, which requires a prescription, although you can get it prescribed online. (Don’t use other actives with tretinoin while your skin is getting used to it; it’ll be too much irritation.)

      You can get as complicated/fancy as you want. My new thing is double cleansing with oil and I am very excited about some new microfiber face cloths I’m doing it with. But you can also stay really simple.

      1. AnonAcademic*

        This is so helpful, thanks! Can you say more about double-cleansing? Does that mean using an oil-based cleanser to get off make-up and/or sunscreen, and then a non-oil-based cleanser to get off the oil cleanser?

        Also, do you have specific recommendations for products, especially with the moisturizer situation? (Is it actually important to moisturize in the morning if I have non-dry skin — can I just moisturize at night?)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Double-cleansing: yes, exactly! For example, I’m using Clinique’s Take the Day Off Cleansing Balm (which starts out as kind of a … sherbet texture? but turns into an oil on your skin), followed by Ren Skincare’s Evercalm Cleansing Milk but you could do it with all kinds of stuff. You just want the first cleanser to be oil-based and the second one to be something-else-based. For the oil one, a lot of people use plain old coconut oil, jojoba oil, etc.

          I am still experimenting to find the right moisturizer! I’ve realized I’ve gotten really dry so I’m using pretty intensive stuff. I started with Ren’s Overnight Recovery Balm, which is very thick, but I feel like it just sits on top of my skin. So I’ve been trying Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Overnight Hydrating Face Mask with 10.5% Squalane, and that seems to work better. I also tried a tiny sample of La Mer and it did seem to make a difference, but not enough to justify the price. I also tried slugging but it made me break out after a single night, so I’m not trying that again.

          I’m no expert (just a very, very interested recent convert) but I don’t think you have to moisturize in the morning if your skin isn’t dry. Although if you wash your face with anything more than water in the morning, I still probably would. (Neutrogena Hydroboost is very light and might be worth trying. It’s what I was using before I realized my skin needed something heavier.)

    2. Mimmy*

      I’ll probably follow this thread because I too think I need to start taking better care of my face (and the rest of my skin). You’re right, it really is complicated! I don’t think you really need to buy in to all those fancy care routines if you don’t want to. I’ve always been very minimal, even with makeup.

      My main issues are pimples (yes, even people in their late 40s get them!) and discoloration around my nose, so I’ll be seeing what others suggest.

    3. Amey*

      I went from just moisturiser to a skincare routine about a year ago and did lots of research (I started out just looking for a more ethical moisturiser and went down a rabbithole…) I tried lots of different things but have settled on a daily routine of using a cleanser, serum, and moisturiser before bed and a toner and moisturiser in the morning. That works well for me!

        1. EdgarAllanCat*

          There are different definitions of toners and they mean different things in different contexts. (Skincare terminology is ri-donk-ulous.)

          I assume, from Amey’s routine, that she’s using a hydrating toner with glycerin as a top ingredient. Sounds like she’s focused on hydration before bed.

          Btw, skincare has been my hobby for 4+ years. I really like Caroline Hirons, carolinehirons.com.

    4. Generic Name*

      Yes! So excited for this thread. :) I’ve been looking for some kind of serum or gel to help with under eye puffiness. I found an under eye patch at target that worked great, so now I need to find what the special ingredient is.

      I’ve stopped wearing makeup, so I don’t need cleanser that removes makeup. I use oil of Olay vitamin C cleanser, and I use an under eye cream and vitamin c serum as well. I use an anti wrinkle cream at night and Neutrogena liquid sunscreen during the day. The sunscreen is basically a dupe of the shiseodo urban whatever sunscreen someone recommended here a while ago, but it’s a fraction of the price.

      2. Sunflower*

        I use The Ordinary caffeine serum. My derm said that’s a great product and its super cost efficient!

        1. Generic Name*

          Another way to get caffeine into my system!! Just kidding, thanks for the product recommendation!

        2. Generic Name*

          I ran out and got this. Very affordable price! I actually saw a difference after 1 use, which is amazing in my book.

        1. Generic Name*

          I can’t find it online, unfortunately. It’s an under eye sheet mask/patch, and the package is white with dark grey writing. It’s a teardrop-shaped sheet mask.

    5. Sunflower*

      I just went to a derm about this specifically and here were some points she made
      – no routine should be more than 4 steps
      – the best/most effective products are in the mid-cost range. I use both Aveeno Positively radiant and Neutrogena hydroboost and she said both are great and keep using them
      – everything Allison said below and you don’t need much else than that. Especially be careful on easing into the retional. You’ll break out if you start off doing it everyday. I also believe you use that after moisturizer
      – ease into the routine. Start with one day the first week, 2 the second and work your way up to not overload your skin.

      1. Sunflower*

        One thing to add on Vitamin C. Once the bottle has been opened/exposed, it starts to lose whatever compound helps the skin so its best to buy them in tiny viles. I think after like 30 days after exposure its basically useless

        1. EdgarAllanCat*

          I think that depends on the type of VitC in the product. Some are light and time sensitive where others aren’t. Can’t possibly tell you what those varieties are, but some products can be quite stable.

    6. Hoooot dog*

      Yeah, my whole life my skincare routine has been “try to remember to wash your face at night” (with … water) and I want to up my game a little now that I’m getting older and my skin is sagging. It worked okay because I didn’t really wear makeup and I was more likely to remember on days I wore sunscreen. I do think sometimes the more creams and stuff you use, the more maintenance is required bc now you’re more oily or you’ve got residues or whatever. But now I’ve got wrinkles around my eyes now that don’t look great and I guess night cream with retinol, or something, might help. Has anyone tried a chemical peel or anything like that? I wouldn’t be interested in surgery but I’d rather try one non-permanent thing and be done versus suddenly trying to become a skincare diva after blowing it off all my life.

      1. Annona*

        For wrinkles, my understanding is that most “one time” things aren’t permanent. Some people do Botox, which I haven’t.
        From my dabbling, it seems like vitamin A (which is retinol, or I think, as Alison said, trenoitin?) is the biggest non Botox way to treat/prevent wrinkles.
        For a retinol (I don’t do a prescription one), you want to start gradually, like twice a week, and start with a lower concentration. Your skin can get sensitive, like it can peel and get angry, as it adjusts. You want to moisturize after applying it. And make sure to wear sunscreen, as it makes it more prone to burning.
        You’re also supposed to only put retinol on dry skin. I’ve learned a lot about this from Caroline Hirons’ book Skincare, from the library.
        I wear sunscreen in the morning (important for wrinkle prevention), and try to do retinol at night a few days a week. My skin sometimes gets irritated with the retinol, so I follow it with a few drops of Trader Joe’s marula oil, a facial oil that intensely moisturizes, and seems to help.
        I have noticed a difference in my skin with retinol. It’s subtle, but I think my fine lines are less. It also took my skin a few weeks to not get so sensitive, which is normal. Good luck!

        1. Annona*

          Also, CeraVe moisturizing cleanser is a really nice cleanser that you can get from Target or a grocery store, for not expensive, if you want to try something other than water.

        2. Annona*

          Also, one important thing about retinol is that it’s not recommended for use during pregnancy.
          And in case it’s helpful, I’m 39 and just started learning about all of this this year.

    7. Redhaired runner*

      The three basic components of a skin care routine are:
      -Sunscreen (daily)
      -Cleanser, I like to use an oil cleanser followed by a regular water based cleanser as this method is really good at getting oil/sunscreen off your skin without drying it out
      -Moisturizer

      From there you can add products specific to concerns you have, there are several dermatologists on YouTube that discuss the actual effectiveness and potential reactions of popular skin care products (I like the channel doctorly they are very matter of fact). Less is generally better for most people. You also might need different products based on the time of year like a heavier moisturizer in the winter.

    8. AnonAcademic*

      Thanks everyone, this is all very helpful! I’m also a huge TikTok fan, so if anyone recommends anyone to follow on TikTok for skincare tips, I’m all ears!

    9. AnonAcademic*

      Also, thanks to people recommending particular products, that’s also helpful!

    10. Chaordic One*

      With the caveat that I’m probably doing something wrong, here’s what I do. I wash my face and neck at least twice a day with mild soap and water. Once after I get up and before getting dressed, and before bed. Often I’ll wash once or twice more during the day. Usually after work. I usually use Dove brand soap and avoid the perfumy and colored ones. The basic original white bar, the unscented, the shea butter and the winter care are my favorites. I like Neutrogena soap, but it is kind of spendy.

      After washing my face in the morning or middle of the day, I moisturize with a facial lotion containing SPF under the eyes, on my forehead and on my cheeks. I also moisturize on my neck. I like moisturizers by Neutrogena and Olay. I’ve tried ROC, but find their products to be heavy. I have combination skin with that oily forehead and nose. I use mattifying moisurizer on my nose, and sometimes on my forehead, but I’ve never really found a good product. If I’m going to be outdoors and wearing short sleeves, I’ll put sunscreen on my arms and on the back of my hands.

      After washing my face at night I moisturize with a night cream that does not contain SPF, but that does have retinol and I also moisturize my neck. I “slug” and I’ve been doing it since before I knew there was a name for it. (I will apply a thin layer of petroleum jelly on my face over top of the moisturizer around my eyes.) I think it helps. I’ve only ever had a bad allergic reaction to Aveeno products (mild rash). I don’t know why.

    11. LK*

      It’s going to be hard to get a consensus on this question, as everyone is going to be so different. For me, my routine is extremely simple, just cleaning with water only (due to allergic reactions to cleansers) and moisturizer and sunscreen daily. I have slightly dry skin, and wear no makeup, so I’m able to keep it that simple. I find that the more things you put on, the more stuff you’re removing later.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Visit somewhere with samples, like Sephora. It’s so frustrating to stand in Target thinking “well this one has a nice bottle and the price isn’t too bad” and then the texture isn’t appealing.

      Last week I was traveling and we spent a rainy morning at a Farmer’s Market, where I tried some lotion and really liked it. Bought a small one (that could get on the plane in a carry-on) and liked it so much–much better than the serum I’d been using–that this morning I ordered it online in the largest size.

      (If anyone’s curious it’s Truzzi’s Bath and Body (truzzis dot com) and I got the Plain Jane lotion. Her focus is clearly the scented soaps, and I loved the lemongrass lotion I tried, but I have asthma and anything scented near my breathing apparatus is not good.)

    13. Double A*

      Okay, so, I’m almost 39 and have had acne my whole life and aggressively treated it (accutane) in my teens and 20s. It’s gotten better in this season of life but not amazing.

      I read an article on Slate about how you don’t really need skincare, and then listened to a podcast with the author and she 100% sold me on her thesis. She had a similar skin history to me, and all she uses is Manuka honey to cleanse and jojoba oil (because it’s closest to sebum) to moisturize. And sunscreen.

      So I was like…okay, I’m going to indulge and I bought a jar of Manuka honey which is like $75 for 8 oz, rationalizing that I pay about that per ounce for other products. Jojoba oil is much cheaper. So that’s all I’ve been using for about a month and it is indeed working well.

      The podcast was The Waves: Why You Need to Downsize Your Skin-Care Routine.

      1. pancakes*

        Jojoba bothers some people. My boyfriend tried half a dozen beard oils before realizing that was the common ingredient that was giving him break-outs. He finally found one without it and stopped getting break-outs.

    14. moonstone*

      You’re already on a good track with sunscreen – that solves 90% of your skin problems. The other two components of a good skin care routine are cleanser and moisturizer. That’s it. If you have any specific issues with your skin, go to a dermatologist for some recommendations for treatment options.

      I believe in having a skincare routine, but I don’t think it has to be super complicated or expensive. Most drugstore brands work fine. Also, beware of using too many active ingredients at once.

    15. RagingADHD*

      I am a cheapskate. I also have sensitive skin that is prone to irritation and breakouts.

      Aldi has a line of beauty products called Lacura that are really quite nice. I particularly like that they are not perfumey. The products I have been using for several years and like very much are:

      Lacura water based creamy cleanser (it does not suds but rinses easily). It takes off eye makeup and all, but doesn’t leave me feeling greasy.

      For day, Oil of Olay sensitive formula moisturizer with sunscreen (or the generic equivalent).

      For night, Lacura night cream with Co Q10. Feels lightweight and absorbs quickly but is quite hydrating. I sometimes use it on my hands, too, if they’re particularly dry.

      My teen daughter is currently obsessed with skincare. I did a lot of poo-pooing at first, but her complexion really is glowing and stunningly clear for her age (unlike mine when I was a teen). I’m considering asking her advice on a couple of products, because whatever she’s doing is obviously working.

    16. WellRed*

      Been a big skin care obsessive since late teens. I recently loved neutrogena hydro boost face with spf(light, cooliing, nonstickt) but as usual, they’ve changed the formula. It’s now heavier with a chemical scent and decidedly not refreshing. Why do they do that? Grr.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Make sure you bought the fragrance-free one! They have two versions and the packaging looks really similar. I used it until recently and always bought the fragrance-free one … then a while ago accidentally bought the non-fragrance-free one without noticing (they look nearly identical), thought they’d changed the formula, and was horrified with it … but it turned out I just had the wrong version. I think the fragrance-free one is labeled gel-cream and the other one is labeled water gel but they both are in that blue tub.

    17. Sundial*

      It’s so heavily based on trial and error, which is expensive and frustrating. Pricey products that are lauded as holy grails either do nothing for me or give me a terrible reaction, then I stumble onto one great item and buy it non-stop until it’s discontinued and I have to start over. Sigh.

      I’ve found success with Kcare because the approach there (I’m generalizing) leans towards gentle light products that you layer, rather than one gloppy does-it-all cream like western beauty.

      Tretinoin is magic for women whose acne is rude enough to last into the wrinkle phase of life, but of course the photo-sensitivity is severe and you need to be very cautious. I am the weird neighbor eternally wearing a giant straw hat.

      1. Dragonfly7*

        Do you have a hat recommendation? (Person who will probably one day be that neighbor)

        1. Swisa*

          Sol a mer is expensive (like $100), but they’re packable (you can fold them and they spring back), and they have a lifetime guarantee. They’re UPF 50. It’s a small, woman owned business.
          I believe they’re also made in the US.

        2. pancakes*

          Not straw, but Baggu’s packable sun hat is under $40 and comes in lots of fun prints and colors.

    18. Just another queer reader*

      Does anyone have a no-frills sunscreen recommendation?

      (I am a no-frills person and usually don’t like the feeling/smell of sunscreen, but I do understand the importance.)

      1. ThatGirl*

        For your face, Olay or the Trader Joe’s knockoff of unscented spf 15 moisturizer is good, it doesn’t smell and isn’t heavy.

      2. DistantAudacity*

        There’s been a lot of improvements in sunscreens for the face in the last few years. Gold standard is Biore 50spf, but it’s from Japan :) But it is so great!

        Look for key words like light (so not oily or heavy), mattifying, hyaluronic (so that it’s moisturizing). Gel consistency can be good. Makes them much easier to wear, and also works well under make up if you use that.

        Personally I like Cliniderm, but it’s probably not available in your location.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        La Roche de Posay moisturizer with sunscreen. Daughter put me onto this as I hate feeling coated in goo. Soaks in like a good moisturizer.

    19. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I’ve changed mine to 1) splash face with water and let it dry on its own, and 2) put on coconut oil (I get mine in the baking section at Aldi’s). My skin is looking and feeling the best it’s ever been, and wrinkles seem minimized. I’m 72. Glad I’m not spending money on all those separate products anymore.

    20. DistantAudacity*

      Late to the party, but my key thing to keep an eye out for as I’ve moved past my mid-forties is that everythung gets drier, so I need “heavier” stuff.
      Cream body lotion – what was the purpose of that? Hello Cera-Ve body cream my beloved! Hair masks for your hair..? More gray stuff (dyed!) is more frizz is more hydrating hair masks.

      Same goes for facial serums and moisturisers. Things change, so make sure your products adjust too!

      For the record: use The Ordinary salicylic acid on targeted areas, Estee Lauder Advanced Night Serum (a classic for a reason, and not just for nights), a retinoid product in the evening. For day Cera-ve moisturizer with sun screen, at night La Roche Posay night cream.

      I cleanse at night using a cleansing balm-type product and a hot cloth.

    21. Annona*

      I am very new to all of this, but have found Caroline Hirons’ book Skincare to be a really great basic resource. I tried it from the library and liked it so much I asked for it for Christmas.
      I had trouble understanding the order of steps, which steps to do, what different things are (serums vs retinol vs cleanser etc), and it explains it all in plain language.
      Caroline Hirons is British, so some of the language is different (she calls wash cloths flannels), and she’s pretty opinionated (and I don’t take all of her suggestions) but it’s been a really great way to learn, and a great reference when I get confused.

    22. Claire*

      I’m mid-40s with very fair, normal skin. My daily routine looks like this:

      Morning
      Wash face in shower with Simple foaming facial wash
      The Ordinary caffeine serum for eyes
      Hyaluronic acid serum for face
      Lightweight daily moisturiser with SPF
      Lip balm

      Nighttime
      Remove eye makeup with Clinique Take the Day Off remover
      Remove face makeup with Clinique Take the Day Off cleansing balm
      Wash face with Clinique Foaming facial wash
      AHA toner (alternate Pixi Glow Tonic with Nip+Fab Glycolic Extreme)
      The Ordinary Buffet serum
      CeraVe moisturising cream
      Lip balm

  64. Isabella*

    This is very niche but on the off-chance – can anyone recommend any Spanish TV programmes available on RTVE?
    I generally like quite light dramas – Ministerio del Tiempo, Valeria, Bridgerton etc.

    1. Moggul*

      I know I am a bit late for this but my wife likes Servir y Proteger (soapy opera police drama). Also you may like Aguila Roja (about a Ninja-esque zorro-like masqued avenger in the XVII century).

      I loved Ministerio del Tiempo although I find Spanish TV running times to be too long for my taste.

  65. Volunteer burnout*

    I’m curious for opinions about how this situation applies to volunteer work. I would never have a work ultimatum like this, but small volunteer groups are different.

    I help out with a group of volunteers in my neighborhood, and the lead who started the group recently added a new person who is abrasive yet does a lot more than almost everyone else. No one else likes them or likes working with them. Our lead knows they are very difficult yet feels that this new volunteer is critical because they do so much. I think they are driving other people to do less, which is making the problem worse, although they are also saving us money. So if this person left then we could continue the same work but it would cost us a bit more.

    I’m setting boundaries, specifically that I will limit my interactions with this person, but I am also tempted to find a different group or give the lead an ultimatum that I will cut back on some of my volunteer roles that have overlap. The lead says that I shouldn’t be cliquish, whereas I feel that the lead is ignoring a Missing Stair. I know that I have influence because I also help out a lot, and if my boundary setting doesn’t work then I’m wondering if it is fair to say that the lead has to choose between the two of us. I can also do what others are doing, and quietly cut back on my volunteering, and be busy more often.

    I used to have more patience but have lost most of it after two years of pandemic problems that make our work much harder. I would appreciate comments on whether I am being too critical or difficult.

    1. Half Empty*

      I don’t think you’re being too critical or difficult. You’re being generous with volunteering your time. If something is making your volunteering work unpleasant, then you have every right to cut back your hours or change volunteer groups.

      No one else likes or likes working with the new volunteer, and the lead acknowledged that they’re “difficult,” so it definitely sounds like there is a problem with the new volunteer, not you.

      I wouldn’t give an ultimatum to the lead since ultimatums can make people defensive and resentful (they’ve already said you’re being “cliquish”). And, I mean, if they pick the other volunteer over you, wouldn’t that be a bit upsetting? I’d just cut back your hours or switch groups, and if the lead asks why you could explain why.

      1. Volunteer burnout*

        Thanks for your views and on the ultimatum specifically. I’ll add that the lead doesn’t think I am the only one being cliquish, rather they think that everyone is becau

        1. Volunteer burnout*

          Sorry, the system hiccuped and put the Submit button where the keyboard had been.

          … the lead thinks that everyone is being cliquish because we all find this person difficult and are trying to avoid volunteering with them. I’m the one who interacts with this person the most, maybe even more than the lead. In writing this out, I will plan to refuse more of the tasks that involve the problem person. I usually help everyone with some tasks, but I don’t have to. In a work situation I can’t refuse to work with someone because they are antagonistic, and I must help everyone equally, but I don’t have to with volunteering.

          I’m feeling burnt out and have been trying to do less in the past month yet am guilted into helping out more by the lead, so in a way it would be easier to have the ultimatum and have them choose the other person. Admitting that to myself here shows that I really need to step back more, and set the boundary about doing less despite any guilt.

          1. Half Empty*

            I volunteered at a small non-profit for a few years in college. All the volunteers and the few paid staff were fantastic people, but the board members were horrible. Everyone hated when they came around or got involved because they were all crappy people, and they made rules and decisions that created more work for, or ruined the efforts of, volunteers. I only stayed so long because I felt guilty about leaving, but life was a lot less stressful after I left, so would totally recommend leaving if you’re burned out and being guilt-ed into working. You can always return later if the other volunteer leaves, or if you really miss it.

    2. Hooot dog*

      Honestly, I remind myself sometimes that people do this on purpose. At least one of the people in a group I’m in KNOWS that she’s pushy and demanding and “jokes” that she always makes sure to be treasurer or secretary “so they can’t get rid of her.” So it may not be a coincidence that this volunteer takes on a lot more than average. And you’re right, if everyone else leaves, the head of the group will be left with just this one oh-so-essential volunteer, so are they sure they don’t want to head this off proactively? The trick is to identify exactly the behaviors that are the problem and name them directly, asking the volunteer not to do them, rather than “be less annoying” or whatever. Presumably if the volunteer knew how to be less annoying they would do it.

      1. Volunteer burnout*

        All good points. This person has been kicked out of a lot of other groups, and the lead said that they are on Best Behavior with us.

        The biggest problem behavior is their criticism of others about not doing more, and the constant complaining is also draining. I deal with it by ignoring them as much as possible, but there are key points where we intersect. I think my way forward will be to do the work but have the lead be an intermediary. I can’t do much other than set a boundary, and the lead is too busy to deal with it in a way that would resolve it. Taking Alison’s advice as it relates to work and applying it here, I have a manager problem as much as a coworker one, and that is useful context for me.

        Thanks for helping me to think this through.

        1. WellRed*

          Since it’s a volunteer organization I’d be tempted to say something to the problem person next time they complain about others, or whatever other rude thing they say. You know m, since it’s not work.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        ” So it may not be a coincidence that this volunteer takes on a lot more than average. ”

        It’s not coincidence. At all.

        I volunteer at one place where I am actually told, “Do less so the other volunteers have something to do.” At the end of the event, I usually stay and that is when they really need the extra hands. So this is proof that a volunteer leader can tell a person nicely to back down, do less work.

        Your person is a work hoarder or work hog. Hog all the work and revel in the martyrdom that follows. “Oh Bob does so much! Where would we be without Bob?!” Bob likes looking as if he saved the day or saved the group or whatever. If that means creating a synthetic (avoidable) problem to look heroic in the end then so be it. Ego massages.

        If people are assigned tasks and are not able to do them because Bob has done them already then that should be pointed out to the leader.
        If Bob is saying he does too much work, he can be told in a kindly manner, “Bob take a break, we got this.”
        If Bob starts early before everyone gets there, that too can be pointed out. “Bob you could have waited to the agreed upon start time and everyone would be here to help. You would not have had to do that work alone!”
        If Bob is rude, you can say something like “Bob you sound like you are getting tired, why not [take a break/go home early/whatever]?”
        If Bob says a task is too heavy and he did it himself anyway, you can say, “Yes, Bob that is heavy work which is why we usually do that in pairs or even a group of three to help spread out the effort.”

        Say these things out loud and in front of other people. You can use a kind yet matter of fact tone of voice.

        1. Volunteer Burnout*

          Our volunteering is mostly done online these days so we rarely see each other as a group, thankfully. Our particular work is also never-ending, it is about helping others who are more vulnerable, so there is no issue with the quantity of their effort because there is plenty to share. Of the possible reasons that this abrasive person has for doing so much more, it doesn’t seem to be related to getting credit but rather a feeling of helplessness about what is wrong. They have helped out on their own in the past, to the point where they have injured themselves, and I’m pretty sure my lead feels badly for them and is trying to focus their work in a healthier way. I think they feel helpless because they keep pushing other volunteers to do more rather than focusing on themselves.

          As an example, if more context helps: there are sometimes stores out of town that have a sale that is helpful to us, and this abrasive volunteer will offer to make the trip. No one else wants to help because they don’t want to spend any time with that person, and the price of gas is going up quickly. I have to deal with them because I store and distribute the items, so we have to coordinate online and then meet up to move the items. The lead feels that the cost savings are well worth it, because previously we could easily find drivers but we would buy items in town at a higher cost.

          You are giving me something good to think about, that the motivations are also pushing the abrasive volunteer to a point of being unhealthy in a way that is likely related to mental health. I can’t diagnose or fix any of that, but I should try to have more sympathy. Yet it’s hard when it drags down my own health.

          I am really thankful for these responses because they are giving me ideas. I can deal with it better by pushing this back more on the lead. I can give the lead my available times, and force them to coordinate. When we are in person and there is complaining, I can tell them that they should bring everything up with the lead, and that I want to switch topics.

          I think I was too stuck in treating the abrasive person equally because I am used to doing that in a work context. In this case I can take some of my favorite AAM advice and push the extra work back on the lead, because a lazy manager only starts to make better decisions when they understand the consequences of their (in)decisions, and this is a different context yet there is some universal truth.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Don’t give an ultimatum, but it is fair to proactively tell the lead what you have decided to do and why. Then just do it. If enough people leave and they have to spend all their time dealing with the abrasive person, they will come to their own decision about how to solve the problem.

      There are enough causes in the world. You can help out in a lot of places without subjecting yourself to unpleasantness from a fellow volunteer, and a leader with no backbone. Managing personalities and keeping the team healthy is an important part of leading volunteers. It’s not just a scheduling exercise.

      1. Volunteer Burnout*

        I really agree with all of this. Thank you for making some parts clearer to me. I wrote more in a reply above, but please know that your response helped me sort out a way forward that will be best for me, and hopefully for the group.

    4. Girasol*

      I don’t think you’re wrong. Volunteers work for personal satisfaction. If a volunteer is getting grief instead of satisfaction in trade for the work, a volunteer moves on. IMHO it would be a kindness if you explained why. Even if that explanation includes a “her or me” ultimatum, not as a threat but because you mean it, it seems better to say so and enlighten the lead rather than just to ghost her.

      1. Volunteer Burnout*

        Thanks for your advice. This post was prompted by a conversation that I had with the lead about this person, so if I left then I think the reason would be obvious. I didn’t say that I planned to leave, but I did say that other volunteers had told me about problems and their reluctance to volunteer again. In a reply above I have some ideas about how to improve things, and if those don’t work then I will have to decide whether to force the lead into a choice. For now I am happy that I can postpone the decision!

    5. Despachito*

      You are definitely NOT too critical and difficult.

      I think your lead is manipulative and trying to guilt-trip you, and I hate this. Please realize that you are donating them your time and effort for free, and that you deserve to be THANKED PROFUSELY, not accused of being “cliquish” (WTF???).

      At work, your employer has a very strong incentive, which is your pay. Even if they are not pleasant, the money often still is a motivation to overcome this.

      Your volunteer organization, on the other hand, does not have this. The only incentive you are probably getting is the good feeling that you are helping a good cause, and that your help is recognized. If this disappears, there is literally NO MOTIVATION to keep doing this, and I’d possibly rather sit all day twiddling your thumbs than doing things for free with a person who is a nightmare to work with, and under a person who is trying to emotionally blackmail me.

      1. Volunteer Burnout*

        I appreciate your feedback, because you remind me that the lead for this particular group is one of the best ones in the area. This cause is important to me, as it helps the vulnerable, and a lot of similar volunteer groups are much more difficult in comparison. I think part of my problem is that I joined this group many years ago because it was so collaborative, and I had previously left groups that had abrasive people, so the lead’s decision to keep this person is causing me to think of how to adapt rather than simply leave. I have a feeling that the lead is worried about the added costs since the pandemic started, and now inflation is constantly in the news, so they are more tolerant of bad behavior. The lead isn’t making the right decision for me, but they are doing their best for the vulnerable we help. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it explains it, and gives me some thoughts on what to do next. Thank you for your advice, it is helpful!

        1. Despachito*

          I wish you the best, however you may decide.

          But please take care and don’t harm yourself when helping others.

  66. Porch Screens*

    To add to all of the other ‘Traveling to X, what should I do/see?’ questions this weekend – Seattle! I’ll be traveling to Seattle next week for a convention and it’s probable that I’ll have some time to kill since I’m arriving Wednesday and the convention doesn’t begin until Friday. What are some good places to visit in the city as a solo female traveler and are accessible via public transit, since I won’t be renting a car? I’ll be staying close to the airport. Thanks in advance!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I lived in Seattle for almost 11 years and the Underground Tour was my must-do with everyone who came to visit. I learned something new every time and it never got boring.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Chihuly Garden and Glass
      Next to the Space Needle, which was neat in a “We’re the Jetsons!” way.
      Seconding the Underground Tour–fascinating dive into local history.
      Pike’s Place Market is fun to walk around eating–I recall buying excellent chocolate-covered dried cherries to bring back.

      1. Bob-White of the Glen*

        Get the Seattle Pass to do the glass garden, space needle, harbor tour, pop culture museum and aquarium for one great price. Just google Seattle pass.

    3. Formerly in HR*

      Just take the train to downtown and then walk / check out the Needle Tower, the Union Lake (there’s a tram that takes you there and also passes by the Amazon buildings), the Art Museum etc. I found downtown OK, the only areas a bit sketchy are around the bus stop (trains also stop there). But even there it’s totally fine during the day. Just google ‘what to do in Seattle’ and then pick the things that interest you. One year I went to the Art Museum and checked some of the olders areas of downtown, another one to the Needle, on a third occasion to the lake + the natural history museum (it has a different name) + Amazon buildings. Be prepared for a lot of walking up and down, as Seattle is not flat.

      1. Formerly in HR*

        Forgot that during my last visit I saw it’s possible to take the ferry to an island, but it only goes once an hour and you have to decide if you want to explore outside town as well. If you go to Pike’s Place there is this wall outside covered in chewed gum – it’s a thing tourists take pictures of :-).

    4. Bluebell*

      If you go to Pike Place market, you can also take a quick ferry to Alki Beach, and eat over there. I did that about 7 years ago. I second the Chihuly garden, and I also enjoyed the sculpture park. The Museum of History and Industry is also fun.

    5. Jeff*

      For all these activities, I recommend taking the light rail from the airport in to downtown. If your hotel has a shuttle to the airport, utilize that to catch the light rail. Otherwise, it may be cheaper and easier to take an Uber/Lyft to the Angle Lake station which is where the light rail begins.

      Downtown (easily accessible by foot):
      Pike Place Market
      Waterfront
      Great Wheel
      Seattle Aquarium
      Argosy Cruise
      Smith Tower

      Seattle Center (take the monorail):
      Space Needle
      Chihuly Garden and Glass
      Museum of Pop Culture

      South Lake Union (take the Seattle Streetcar):
      Stroll around Lake Union
      Museum of History and Industry

      Other:
      Take the water taxi to West Seattle and take a walk around Alki Beach

    6. Alexis Rosay*

      Central library: It’s a stunning building, architecturally famous, and so cool to walk around.

      Theo Chocolate Factory tour: super interesting, usually great tour guides, and you get more than what you paid for just in the chocolate they give you. While you’re in Fremont, visit the Troll and the Statue of Lenin.

      In general, eat lots of Asian food.

    7. Sunshine*

      Matt’s in the market is a great restaurant overlooking the public market.
      The Theo chocolate tour is great.
      Macrina bakery has a couple locations.
      The underground tour is fun. There is a later one that covers the seedy stuff
      A ferry ride is fun. I don’t know what the restrictions are right now. But usually there are snacks and beer.
      If you want to leave the city chateau ste michelle is a great winery a little east of Seattle.
      Fremont is a cool part of town.
      The experience music project is fun.
      The space needle. Especially on a clear day. And if you eat at the revolving restaurant it’s about the same price as just the elevator ticket.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Oh, there’s a lovely botanical garden! I spent a morning walking through there, and happened to arrive at the Japanese garden just as they were doing a tea ceremony I could join.

    9. Slinky*

      Skyview Observatory at the Columbia Center. The Columbia Center is the tallest building in the city. The views are fantastic and cheaper than the Space Needle! There’s a small bar, as well, so you can get a drink or a light bite to enjoy with the views. Highly recommend!

  67. Been there*

    Plan things and have things to look forward to.
    Force yourself to look forward (and to seize the opportunities of now. Don’t tell yourself it’s too late).
    Keep busy, especially physically (for me, sleep comes easier if I’m physically tired at the end of the day).
    If you’re to exhausted to do more, take a hard look at what’s essential and do less (pay money to outsource if you can), and use the extra time to do things that feel like achievements (good self esteem is a life changer).

    therapy can help you figure out why you didn’t seize the opportunities. It’s likely these same character traits/reasons are still holding you back now and underlying issues rarely just fix themselves.

    You can’t know the future. Even if your life doesn’t suit you now, any change will be a calculated risk and no doubt involve discomfort. If you wait for the perfect opportunity (as in you’re sure it’s the right decision and have to sacrifice nothing), you might wait forever and you’ll beat yourself up even more in a decade.

    And to paraphrase people smarter than me, it’s the facts you had when making a decision that make it good or bad, not the outcome. If you spend all your savings on loto tickets and win, you’re lucky, not smart.

    Good luck.

  68. Double A*

    I comment at a fairly frequent rate but not quantity on Slate under a different name so I get the reference! I mean, I’m an advice column addict, I read all that I can find, and I have Opinions so I tend to comment.

  69. Irish Teacher*

    Just thought I’d ask what languages people here speak? Unsurprisingly, I speak English and Irish. I learnt German at school (and did a few years of French, but I can about say “hello, my name is…” and count to ten in that), but I have most of my German forgotten at this point.

    1. Felis alwayshungryis*

      English, high school German, a small smattering of Italian, and a few words and phrases here and there of Te Reo Māori .

      The Māori came in super helpful in Paris shooing off people looking for unsuspecting tourists to scam – they’d ask if you speak English and I could just respond with ‘red pink yellow green’ (‘whero māwhero kōwhai kakariki’) or a string of random place names and they’d move on.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      English, basic Spanish (trying to learn more), some German (basic to begin with, now mostly forgotten), and a handful of words from places I’ve traveled to.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I took three years of French and two of German in high school (almost 25 years ago) but currently have a 675-day streak for French in Duolingo. I traveled in both France and Germany a few years back and got along fine for the most part in reading things, but nobody would let me speak without insisting on switching to English :)

    5. Girasol*

      English. Enough Spanish to understand a sign or a news article but my ability to construct a fresh sentence with the right verb tense is pretty poor. Trying to learn Irish from Duolingo. Looking forward to trying An Hobad alongside my old copy of The Hobbit when I have learned enough to make the attempt.

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      At school, I did French, Latin, a bit of Ancient Greek and Russian. French is the only one of those that stuck. I also picked up a bit of Spanish when I was living in California.

    7. PollyQ*

      I took French intermittently throughout my schooling, but I only remember a few words & phrases now, so really just speak English.

    9. Blomma*

      English as my first language, majored in French in college (though have unfortunately lost a lot of it), and I’m currently learning Swedish.

    10. Might Be Spam*

      English, German and Russian. I started learning German and after a couple of years overlapped with learning Russian. Native Russian speakers have told me that I speak Russian with a German accent instead of an American accent.

    11. Princess Deviant*

      English, fluent Spanish, pretty good French, some Catalan, and reading-level Portuguese. I did German at school too and can understand the basics. I’d be able to get by as a tourist e.g.

    12. Isobel*

      English, intermediate level French, a few words and phrases of German, some words in te reo Māori.

    13. allathian*

      Finnish and Swedish (growing up in a bilingual family), English (from a year in the UK when I was 12-13, I switched to American spelling and usage when I went online in my mid-20s), French, and Spanish. I went to France as an exchange student and my French was good enough that I could manage exclusively in that language, and a few years later I went to Spain as an ERASMUS intern and never had to resort to English. I’ve lost fluency in French and Spanish, although I know they’ll come back fairly quickly if I need them. Some touristy German.

    14. Flower necklace*

      English and some Spanish. I took courses online to learn Spanish, but now I just speak it a beginner level with my students. My grammar is terrible, but I can get the meaning across.

      I also learned Japanese in college and used it when I was living there a while back, but it’s mostly gone now.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      English. I spoke struggling French when I lived in West Africa, but didn’t use it in the intervening years and it’s mostly gone. Took Russian in college but again, didn’t use it and it’s mostly gone. (I’m in the US, so “English is fine” does get me by, even traveling.)

      Child anecdote: Our schools offer Spanish in elementary, Spanish + French in middle, Spanish + French + German in high school. Oldest was encouraged by husband to take Spanish all through school as the most useful; she has gone on to do research in Germany and Switzerland. (Youngest switched to a new language at each level, and has the sort of brain where he’s good at the pattern recognition needed but not particularly interested outside of the educational requirement–I think he could pick up a new language if he felt it would be useful, but won’t do it for fun.)

    16. llama pajama*

      English & French : grew up bilingual. I lost Portuguese, but pick it back up while watching movies. I can get by in Spanish. I started learning Yiddish, but didn’t keep it up.

    17. Texan In Exile*

      English is my native language. I started learning (and am now fluent) Spanish when I was six and my family moved to Spain. (My father was in the military.)

      I took high-school French and can mangle basic French with a Spanish accent, which apparently, is quite grating to the French ear, but have been able to get along in France just fine.

      I took a Portuguese class and an Italian class, but all that means is that now, I can’t remember the proper way to say “I” in either language.

    18. Anima*

      German is my mother tongue, but I believe I’m pretty fluent in English, especially in writing. (I do make grammar errors still and sometimes find an error after hitting submit, welp.)
      I tried to learn Italian several times, and got so far as to order a burger confidently, but since then forgot most of it.

    19. londonedit*

      English and basic/intermediate French here (I did French to GCSE level at school and then when I was freelancing a few years ago I joined a local conversational French class and got my French back up to the point where we were working from A level textbooks (that would be the exam you’d take aged 18 in the UK). I think it’s slipped from there again now, though, but I’ll have to see when I go to France in a couple of months’ time! I’m also doing Finnish on Duolingo but I’m only at an incredibly basic level with that as it’s such a difficult language to learn – I can do basic phrases on the level of asking for a cup of coffee and I know my colours and numbers up to 10, but that’s about it!

    20. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      Studied French in high school, majored in Russian at university, self-study in a number of other languages including Swedish (fluency in which is now part of my job), Turkish, Italian, Romanian, Japanese, Arabic, Esperanto, Yiddish and a few others. By no means fluent in most of the self-study languages, but it would be fun to get to a decent working level in all of them!

    21. Eff Walsingham*

      English from the start, French through the end of high school but neglected since… I found one of my old essays recently and was amazed that I wrote it! Now my reading and listening comprehension is much better than anything I can produce through speaking or writing. And I was being instructed in spoken Spanish about a decade ago for work, but now all I can remember is, “El Senor Scott no se encuentro en su officina.” And that voicemail is “correo de voz”.

    22. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I am a native English speaker; studied Spanish in high school and French in college. I then joined the military and spent a lot of time overseas where I studied Turkish, Dutch, Korean, Tagalog, and more Spanish. Unfortunately, I am terrible at languages and only remember a few words here and there. However, I currently live in the US Southwest and frequently use bits of Spanish, but do not have a very extensive vocabulary. I would like to learn German.

  70. Can we ask?*

    Re: commenting rules: I know people aren’t allowed to make blog style posts but can we ask for updates?

    There are a couple posters that I wonder about sometimes and hope they’re okay.

    1. Liminality (Formerly It's Quarantime!)*

      I feel the same way. Maybe we can do a Where Are You Now type of thread every so often that people can reply on, request updates on, or choose to skip as they see fit?

    2. anonnie*

      In my opinion that would feed into the concern about it feeling cliquey to new readers who won’t know what any of it refers to. The nature of forums is that people would be commenting if they wanted to participate and if they’re not they have moved on, as people do.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      >There are a couple posters that I wonder about sometimes and hope they’re okay.

      Yes, I also wonder about one or two commenters. I think we have to be satisfied with sending our good wishes to them/into the universe.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It nice to see people asking for this one or that one. It has a community feel about it. Kind of heart warming actually.
      I remember someone answering when a few people here asked for them. They did give us a quick update *in reply to those who had inquired here*. This person that I am thinking of was able to tell us they were doing much better and things had changed in good ways. Maybe they are posting under a new name now, I dunno.

  71. Blue Vanity*

    I need a sanity check – am I the only person who’s hair gets darker in the summer? I have lighter hair and yet again, it’s turning brown as the sun gets stronger. To me this seems the most logical anyway, since people across the world have darker hair in sunnier places and blond hair in places with little sun.

    Yet the conventional wisdom and every single article I have found on sunlight and hair color say it’s “obvious” that hair lightens in the summer. This has never been obvious to me or occurred to me.

    anyone else have this?

    1. Filosofickle*

      Not all types of hair lighten due to sun — but I’ve never heard of anyone’s getting darker in the sun!

    2. RagingADHD*

      It’s sun exposure that lightens things, not the season. Do you actually spend a lot of time in the sun, bareheaded?

      I’m outdoors more in fall and winter than summer because summer here is miserable. And when I’m out, I’m wearing a hat, and it’s early morning or evening.

      I haven’t noticed an effect on my hair color, but I’m sure my hair gets less UV exposure in the summer.

      1. RagingADHD*

        And no, your hair doesn’t increase its melanin in the sun because it is composed of dead cells. There are no active processes going on once it grows out of your scalp.

        1. Blue Vanity*

          maybe 1/2 hour a day on average with some days none and some days an hour. My hair got lighter over the winter again and almost got a ruddy tone in parts but now is going back to brown. Has happened a few years now, my hair is very slowly getting darker with age, which IDK if that’s normal as well. I feel most peoples’ adult hair color is set by 20 but I am almost 45. I am confused by it all!

          1. allathian*

            I had blonde hair until I was about 3 years old, and then it turned mid-brown, although in Spain people called me “rubia”. My sister was blonde until her mid-20s and now her natural color is a mousey brown. She doesn’t like it very much so she gets blonde streaks put in, but the advantage of that color is that she’ll never go gray. Her hair gets lighter every year.

        2. allathian*

          True, but UV can damage the hair, and damaged hair often means a lighter color. It’s nothing to do with melatonin, but when the outer covering of the hair strand, confusingly called the cuticle, is damaged, it can lead to discoloration (usually showing as lighter hair), dry and brittle strands, split ends, and frizziness. My sister’s mousey brown/blonde hair certainly gets lighter in the summer.

          1. ecnaseener*

            Right, that is well documented. An increase in melanin from sun exposure (ie getting darker) is what’s not possible.

            1. RagingADHD*

              Yes, that’s what I mean. The sun can bleach your hair like it bleaches paper, cloth or anything else. But your hair doesn’t tan.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Sun exposure is where I’d look for answers. When I started college, those of us who were natural blonds in our sunny home states were dismayed to discover we had darker roots in our perpetually overcast college town.

    3. Chaordic One*

      This is a mystery. As others have pointed out, sometimes people’s hair will darken as they get older and it is common for someone who had blonde hair as a child to have it darken as they get older, to “dirty blonde” or even brown. When you spend a lot of time outside during the summer the sun will bleach the hair to a lighter shade. Environmental things related to what are usually summer activities, think chlorine from swimming pools which can make your hair turn green.

      Are there any activities that you do during the winter that you don’t do during the summer? Do you spend more time outside in the winter than in the summer? Are there any hair products or soaps that you use during the winter that are different from what you use in the summer?

  72. tangerineRose*

    With the salmonella outbreak in Jif peanut butter, I’m looking for another brand of peanut butter that is reasonably natural, preferably doesn’t use palm oil or else uses it sustainably, and doesn’t get little bits of grit that I’ve noticed sometimes in Adam’s peanut butter. Any suggestions? Thanks!

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Check the recall notice. It’s specific lots and specific varieties. I just checked my recently purchased Jif and it is not under recall.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah my store only had the “Simply Jif” in tiny jars so I bought a couple of those. I didn’t know about the recall until later but they’d removed everything included.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I like Smucker’s natural style because it’s nothing but peanuts and salt. It does separate if you leave it out, but if you stir it thoroughly and refrigerate it, it stays together. You might not love the texture, though.

      If you have a Costco membership, the Kirkland Organic is smoother.

        1. Annona*

          Months and months ago, someone posted here about a Philips CPAP machine being recalled, which my husband uses. Thank you!!!
          My husband finally got his replacement yesterday. We would have never known about the recall without this community!

    4. tangerineRose*

      Looks like it’s not all of them. I found this:
      Recalled products include the products below with lot codes 1274425 — 2140425. Lot codes are included alongside best-if-used-by date.

    5. Sundial*

      Maranatha Organic. All peanut, never gritty, and I can even pour off the separated peanut oil on top (instead of mixing it back in) without the texture suffering.

    6. Venus*

      Thanks for the memory:
      Years ago I worked at a company that had free snacks, including those little lunch things where you got a bit of peanut butter that could be spread onto a few crackers with a red plastic stick. I ate them constantly for a while, at least a few per day. Then it came out in the news that there was a massive food recall, the biggest ever, and of course those snacks were on the list. Thankfully I was lucky and never got sick, because the contamination of peanut butter was extensive and I ate a lot of them, but I was so sad when they took them all away.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peanut_Corporation_of_America#:~:text=In%20late%202008%20and%20early,eating%20products%20containing%20contaminated%20peanuts.

    7. PollyQ*

      This may not pass the grit test, but I LOVE Laura Scudder’s Natural Nutty. The entire ingredient list is: peanuts, salt. It does separate and need to be stirred up, but I think it’s worth it.

  73. beentheredonethat*

    My Mom has dementia and the transition from evening to sleep is difficult hour (Sundowners syndrome)
    I have used Melatonin, Sleep wellness, ZZz, Nyquil. I am checking with her Doctor. Any suggestions?
    Thanks

    1. Squidhead*

      Please do check with her doctor because some of those over-the-counter sleep aids can paradoxically increase agitation, especially in older people. (I’m trying not to run afoul of the “no medical advice” rule here!)

      Apart from that, consistency and routine including regular physical activity probably will help some, but this is a very common challenge with dementia. If you are worried that she will get up in the night and then fall, there are bed-alarm products you can purchase to alert you if she’s trying to get up.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      One to check with doctor: Magnesium supplements can help with sleep. I take them for muscle problems, and the one time I tried splitting the dose and taking half in the morning I yawned through the rest of the day. (Too much can also have a laxative effect, as they don’t loosen the muscles in your arms and legs and then stop, but go on to the digestive system–so if that’s already an issue, I wouldn’t go here.)

    3. fposte*

      I agree with Squidhead that this should really be run by a doctor, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist. Medicating people with dementia is a delicate process.

      1. beentheredonethat*

        Thanks. I have cameras in her room and in the house and on the doors. They beep at any movement. I just need to be able to sleep also.

        1. fposte*

          Total agreement; that’s better for both of you. A geripsych will have the best options to help that to happen.

          1. fposte*

            In addition: the Alzheimer’s Association has a very well reviewed 24/7 hotline at 800.272.3900 that might have some additional suggestions.

  74. HannahS*

    Has anyone tried Bandelettes for the dreaded inner-thigh chafing? I’ve tried a few different types of undershorts (running shorts, Skimmies, leggings cut short) and they’re fine but not great. I have a hard time believing that Bandalettes would actually stay in place, but they look potentially worth a try.

    1. S*

      You have to get them positioned right but when you do they’re great! And much less hot than any kind of shorts underneath.

    2. kina lillet*

      Don’t love them. The only thing that really works for my shape is shorts. Bandelettes tend to roll up on me if they’re in the spot where I really need them. Worth a try though—I think it really depends on the individual’s shape.

    3. Melody Pond*

      They work great for my chunky thighs (size 16-ish), as long as I get them placed right. In summer, I do prefer the Bandelettes under skirts. Wearing shorts in addition to regular underwear just makes me that much more miserable when it’s super hot out. But with Bandelettes it’s nice and airy (lulz).

      @kina lillet makes a solid point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shape of one’s legs/upper thighs can affect how well they stay put.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have never gotten that sort of thing to stay in place. I recently tried the “chub rub shorts” from Snag Tights and they’re amazing, didn’t shift at all over the course of 7 days of walking around theme parks and quite comfortable in Florida heat. Plus, unlike a lot of the other brands, they come in colors other than black or beige – I have red ones, teal ones, and eye-searing green, haha.

      2. londonedit*

        I also love the Snag chub rub shorts. And for anyone in the UK/able to access Marks & Spencer, their cool comfort shorts are fantastic.

  75. Blue Vanity*

    Cupcake liners. Help needed! I just made cupcakes and tried a few and they are totally sticking to the paper lines. I am beyond pissed because I thought the whole point of liners was to prevent that. Now I am seeing people butter/grease cupcake liners? I never remember doing this when I used to bake with my mom. Anyone have tips? Maybe they’ll magically unstick as they cool?

    Also pissed because if they go to waste, I included like $20 in fruit and nuts in these two trays so it was a decent amount of money but also work

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Usually once the muffins or cupcakes are cool, they won’t stick and the liners will come off nice and clean. Peeling them off while warm is a recipe for disaster.

      1. Blue Vanity*

        OK I hope you are correct. I am impatiently waiting, I have apples in them so they’re taking forever to cool. I really wanted to bring something healthy to the party tomorrow so this is really annoying me

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            Yeah I’ve never heard of using the liner just to bake and then removing them all before serving! You use it like a container/decoration and each person takes off the liner from their own

            1. fhqwhgads*

              I thought OP was saying the liners stuck to the pan, but I may be projecting because that happened to me the last time I made muffins. If OP meant that, bummer, they might get a little messed up at the edges. If OP were trying to remove the liners before serving, that’s a misunderstanding of how liners are intended to be used.

          2. ThatGirl*

            Yeah, don’t take them out of the liners! That’s just causing unnecessary handling and stress. Even fancy bakeries serve cupcakes in liners.

        2. Half Empty*

          Whenever my mom made cupcakes, she’d bake them, let them cool a bit, then store them in the fridge because she thought they tasted better cold. Never had any issues with the paper cupcake liners sticking. If you need them to cool quicker, you could stick them in the fridge.

    2. Suprisingly ADHD*

      You can serve them in the liners, I think most people do. When I buy muffins at the breakfast shop they’re sold with the liners. I wouldn’t recommend greasing the paper liners, soggy paper is very hard to work with.
      Plus, they may just magically unstick as they cool lol! Lots of baked goods have a hard time staying together when warm.

    3. Team9to5*

      Some cupcake recipes will be more likely to stick to liners, even when cool (I have a wartime cake recipe that’s oil-based and sticks to liners so much). It’s totally fine to serve cupcakes in liners, though; people will still find a way to eat them! :)

    4. anonagain*

      Why would the paper sticking mean they have to go to waste? People can still eat the cake even if the liner doesn’t come off in one piece!

    5. Tib*

      Cupcake liners protect the baking pan from the cupcake batter and make it easier to clean. And you could also think of them as protecting the plate or your fingers from the cupcake. I find the parchment paper liners don’t stick as much as the regular paper ones.

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Yeah, I grease my cupcake liners. I use cooking spray after they are already in the pans-just a quick “sppptz” in each one and it’s good. My first few batches of muffins did stick, but we ate them anyway. Took a bit more time to peel them, but just as yummy.

      And definitely serve them still in the liner!

    7. Generic Name*

      Cupcakes at birthday parties and school parties was very popular when I was a child. They were always served with the paper still on them, and it was a bit of a ritual to peel the paper off. Sometimes the cake stuck to the liner, sometimes it didn’t. As kids, we just nibbled the cake off the liner. I would just serve the muffins/cupcakes with the liners. Folks will know what to do.

    8. Anima*

      Yeah leave the paper liner son, I had a friend who had a cupcake café (she’s still around but we aren’t friends anymore) and even in the professional cupcake works the white paper stayed on and the customer peeled it off.
      If the cupcakes stick in the pan, let them cool. I had some vegan ones being stubborn and just walked away after some trys and the came off just fine after cooling?
      Last tip for next time: there are silicone molds for cupcakes which I actually prefer, I only do cupcakes in pans when I intend to take them somewhere else. You need to peel the silicone molds off one by one, but they are super easy and can go in the dishwasher.

  76. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Can discipline and work ethic be taught as an adult? 

    For the longest time I’ve heard and read that discipline is instilled into you as a child and if you don’t have it by 11/12, that window is gone. I don’t mean “discipline” like parents punishing kids, but, for example in the simplest terms – do your homework before playing that video game. Basically “do the hard thing now and reap rewards later.”

    When I first read that, it was like something that suddenly “unlocked” and I could pinpoint where I’ve gone wrong and why I struggle so.much.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Sorry, that is nonsense. The kernel of truth is that most kids around that age can begin to take ownership of their motivation, become intrinsically motivated or use a reward system *for themselves* instead of having it totally imposed by grownups. You can’t expect most kids younger than that to motivate themselves.

      But there is not a window that cuts off. People can develop the ability to delay gratification or use a reward system at different ages. Many people have a big transformation in their motivation or work ethic after they leave home and get their first real job, or after they find a career they care about, etc.

      And for some folks, especially neurodivergent folks, it can actually work better to do a little something fun first to get their dopamine flowing, because it helps their brain focus. If you are well into adulthood and you have tried the “chores first” method many times without it sticking, it might just not work for you.

      You could try building rewards into the chores instead, so they are less unpleasant. That could be anything from having a favorite music playlist, to a favorite cup of tea, or silly things like colorful tools or accessories.

      You can gamify the stuff you need to do, and earn points as you go.

      Or you could set a timer and do something before you start that’s short, fun, and satisfying that gets you feeling energetic – a mini dance party, for example.

      There is not One Right Way to achieve goals. There are many different ways, you just have to find what works.

      2. Tib*

        Oh wow! That part about putting something fun first to get the dopamine flowing and help with the hard thing is enlightening and freeing. I’m definitely going to experiment with that this week.

        1. RagingADHD*

          The “spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down” doesn’t just work on kids.

    2. PollyQ*

      A lot of “conventional wisdom” is total bullshit, and this sounds like a perfect example of it. And let me note, I’ve never heard that particular truth nugget, so I’m not even sure it’s circulated that widely. You might do better to google “executive function” to see what underlying issues can affect it and think about whether one or more of those might be your real problem. Or perhaps it’s just that the things you think you should be accomplishing aren’t the ones you actually care about.

      1. PollyQ*

        I’m sorry, this all sounds a little snippy, and I certainly didn’t mean to aim that at you, @Potatoes. It just annoys me when pseudo-scientific “truths” like this get repeated, since I think they can do real harm to people.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I recall reading about a “marshmallow test” they give to very little kids (like under five) where they tell them if they don’t eat a marshmallow that’s set in front of them for a certain amount of time, like five minutes, they can have *two* marshmallows at the end of the test. As I recall they found that kids who could pass the test tended to have greater success in other things, presumably because they’d mastered better self control. However I also remember that the “trick” was to hide the marshmallow or close your eyes or whatever, as little kids didn’t have enough self-control to stare at the marshmallow for five minutes and not eat it. That seems more like a hack that could be taught versus an inherent trait. I only mention it as it the closest thing I can recall that matches what OP describes.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          It’s also postulated that the kids who could pass the test did so because they came from higher socioeconomic backgrounds and had had more opportunities before the test to learn self-control. This is because they had personal experience in learning that gratification could be delayed — rather than learning that they needed to take what they could get when it was in front of them, because they wouldn’t be likely to get a second chance.

          Link in follow-up.

          1. Glomarization, Esq.*

            From The Atlantic, 2018.

            The failed replication of the marshmallow test does more than just debunk the earlier notion; it suggests other possible explanations for why poorer kids would be less motivated to wait for that second marshmallow. For them, daily life holds fewer guarantees: There might be food in the pantry today, but there might not be tomorrow, so there is a risk that comes with waiting. And even if their parents promise to buy more of a certain food, sometimes that promise gets broken out of financial necessity.

            1. Sloanicota*

              Fascinating. Cruelly, I assume if they’re looking for correlation with, say academic or career success, there would find it – but not due to causation. I bet kids who are able to trust the adults in their lives go on to experience other wins that have little to do with self control.

              1. RagingADHD*

                And kids who come from advantaged backgrounds retain those advantages. Which should not be news to anyone.

          2. RagingADHD*

            Right. They knew there were always going to be marshmallows around somewhere. It wasn’t an unusual opportunity.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          That’s the original test, but it’s been debunked. Kids who had reasons to not trust what adults say would take the first marshmallow. Kids who experienced food scarcity would take the first marshmallow. It’s not just about self-control. There are many more applicable variables than the original test considered.

          1. Observer*

            Not exactly debunked. Rather, redefined.

            I’m not being picky here. WITHING certain groups, the findings hold true, but they don’t hold true across wider groupings, they don’t hold true. And the issue of trust is one of the reasons for that.

            This speaks to a broader problem with a huge amount of psychological research – all too often the studies are done on a very, very narrow group of people. Which is great for some purposes, but doesn’t generally provide information that generalizes across a wider population.

            1. Sloanicota*

              This is a good point too. I also still stand by my first comment, that if hiding the marshmallow is the secret, some percentage of kids just need to be clued into that and then they could “pass” too, so it’s not like some foolproof test of inherent self control. I do remember thinking it was interesting though. However, OP references a cutoff age of 11, so it’s not like this was what she probably had in mind.

              1. Falling Diphthong*

                One thing the revised test showed is that this stuff is learned–it’s not just genetic luck of the draw, but what lessons you have learned in life. I recall the principal at an elementary school having kids practice not popping bubbles, as a way to practice self-discipline with very low stakes.

        3. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I never knew that the marshmallow test was a real study done. I just thought it was some viral social media trend that’s popular with parents & kids.

      3. Potatoes gonna potate*

        @PollyQ – I didn’t take this as snippy at all. I have looked at executive function and i was/am diagnosed with ADHD so maybe that’s part of it? 

        1. PollyQ*

          I’m not any kind of expert, but I’d bet good money that ADHD is the majority of your issue and not that you didn’t “learn” self-discipline by a certain age.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            That is true. The diagnosis was last year but I began feeling these things when I was in college, almost 20 years ago.

            Too many years wasted thinking I was _ or _ or just “Time to grow up and be an adult”

    3. Kira*

      It can’t be taught, but it can be learned! It’s not something someone else instils in you, it’s something you have to develop and practice and nurture yourself. And you can do that at any age.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      I never heard that and I very much doubt it is true. Teaching secondary school, a LOT of my students need their parents to come in and insist they turn off that video game and do their homework. I would say it is a minority of 13/14 year olds who have the discipline to do that themselves without reminders from their parents. The number of adults who need somebody to stand over them and insist they do the difficult thing is far lower than the number of 13 year olds who do and even lower, I would say, than the number of college students who do. By 6th year (17/18 years old), I would say a fair number of students can impose the routine themselves, but there is still a significant minority who cannot.

      I would say at 11 or 12, not only is it not true that if you don’t have it by then, you never will, but that is even early for those who are good at it.

    5. Asenath*

      It helps to develop good habits, including work habits, as a child – they may stay with you for life. Or may not – I’ve dropped some of the work habits I was taught as a child, especially related to housework. But lots and lots of people find ways to discipline themselves as adults. That’s basically what a lot of the advice on how to organize your home or your work comes down to – ways to develop the discipline to do things you have to do but don’t particularly want to do at the moment. I suspect, on no scientific basis whatsoever, that which methods work best depends on the personality of the person trying to become more disciplined and hardworking. For me, using my tendency to be stubborn is very helpful – if one attempt or approach doesn’t work, I keep at it, and if it still doesn’t work, I try something new. I also work well with small chunks and small goals. I have a tendency to draw up fantastically ambitious and complicated schemes to get my work done and instill good work habits, but that doesn’t work for me, although for many people having and keeping in mind big goals work well. I progress well with small, useful changes that I have a fighting chance of actually doing, and developing into good habits, but which don’t require a lot of self-discipline each time. Learning self-discipline and a good work ethic is a process that should be tailored to the individual.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I can’t find it now, but Captain Awkward had a post about a therapist who had a sorting hat system for finding ways to organize yourself, and several people in comments had tried it and found it helpful–basically the things that work great for one person (lists) are just annoying as heck to another (lists).

        1. Tib*

          This might be helpful either on it’s own or in finding the blog post: (twitter)/cawkward/status/1077776588517842945. The info could be in one of the comments or the date might be a clue to when the blog post occurred.

    6. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Luckily for us, that’s not true! The kind of self-discipline you’re describing is something that can be developed at any time. Many people struggle with delayed gratification, and eventually find some method that works for them! Putting off fun things to do chores first is a type of Executive Function, which can be affected in major ways by mental health and overall quality of life. Depression and ADHD can both make starting tasks much more difficult, and lots of people struggle with one or both from early childhood. Lacking diagnosis and treatment for the underlying issues can make even basic chores feel impossible. Bad life situations can do the same. Stress, worry, and health issues can lower your ability to put off enjoyable things, because you’ve used all your mental energy already. Getting out of those situations (easier said than done, I know) can improve your ability to care for yourself and your property.
      All of which is great news, because it means there’s no deadline or magical window to miss that makes you less functional forever! For me, figuring out I had ADHD (in my late 20s) was a gamechanger. I started looking up how to stay clean and organize with ADHD, and found methods that look worse to others, but make sense to me, and made it easier for me to keep things under control. And finally getting a medication was certainly eye-opening. I saw a comic somewhere, that described doing chores with ADHD as constantly slogging through waist-deep mud. Getting a proper prescription was like finding out everyone else has been walking on top of the mud, and now you can too! I’d been called lazy and unmotivated my whole life, but no one realized how much more effort I was spending compared to everyone else!
      All of which is a very long way to say: you haven’t “gone wrong” and your struggle with delaying fun stuff to do chores doesn’t have to be forever!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s me! I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago. I’ve been on medication but it’s eh. Waiting for my appt with my dr to talk about changing it up.

        1. RagingADHD*

          IME, meds don’t rewire your brain, so they don’t eliminate the need for appropriate systems and approaches that work for you. They help you use the systems more consistently and effectively. They help you reduce errors and wasted effort. And they give you the bandwidth so things aren’t so overwhelming.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I’m not looking to rewire but I don’t feel like they’re helping me reduce the wasted effort. I have found that the medicine I’m on helps me feel awake and that I can take on daily tasks but I still find myself all over the place. Or is my understanding of meds incorrect? best analogy I can think of is that they won’t make me run a marathon but it helps me to be able to walk without a lot of inner dialogue.

            1. RagingADHD*

              I was referring back to the original discussion about motivation /self discipline / getting things done. A lot of self-helpy stuff that works for most people may not work at all for ADHDers, and winds up just being shamey and blamey.

              So you may need to find unconventional ways of doing things. The meds can help you find those ways.

              The meds very well might help you run a metaphorical marathon, but not on the same path as everyone else, or not in the same shoes. Or you might skip or turn cartwheels instead of jogging. And that’s all perfectly fine.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      With the exception of language acquisition, I would be really skeptical of all claims to a critical window, and if you miss it it’s too late. People learn to read as adults, for example. They learn new languages, how to change a tire, and a variety of things that hit that “Okay, now I need to know how to do X” of intrinsic motivation.

      Learning that you need to work on something to make progress is useful–I got As with no effort as a child, and that did not do me any favors as a college student when I abruptly needed study habits. But I learned them over time. Being late is another one–lots of examples of people who viewed themselves as just naturally late until the negative consequences became onerous, and then they transformed into people who could be on time.

      It’s easier to do things that are habits. If it’s a good habit, it’s great if it got instilled early–but there are millions of people out there not living the same life as their parents, even though that was the model in their formative years. They taught themselves new habits, good or bad.

      If you’re looking for parenting advice, I think trying to build resilience in kids is good. If you’re looking for “explanations of adult me” advice, I’d focus on ways to develop whatever skill it is (cognitive behavioral therapy, for example) rather than make up some now-closed window to explain why it’s hopeless.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Right. I think learning good habits as a kid and retaining them is the easiest shortcut to success – but certainly not the only option, or we’d all be screwed! There are certainly habits my parents gave me young that I am grateful for every day, for example, taking small portions of food and stopping eating before I am too full. I know people who struggle mightily with eating too much now that we are in our 40s and it’s a quirk of my parents, both of whom are moderate eaters, that I don’t have this issue. However, I struggle a lot with doing chores in a timely manner (particularly cleaning as I go in the kitchen, but also other things) because my parents tended to spoil me a bit there. Of course I can and do still do chores and learn better habits, it’s just something I have to work hard at, where as the same friends who struggle to stop at the table are a lot better at just handling before anything piles up. It’s good to acknowledge the role of your childhood experiences but over focusing on it or acting like there’s an essential window of time doesn’t serve you.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I think attachment has a pretty early window, but that’s a whole other discussion.

    9. Tib*

      Struthless has a great video on YouTube about building self-discipline. (insert main address here)/watch?v=SseUzcEN9U0&t=622s

      Here’s the highlights (copied from a comment by Harshitha Sai Sarabada):
      1. Reframe discipline as a function of self love
      2. Make discipline part of your identity
      3. Reflect this identity in your environment
      4. Internalize the threat of not doing this
      5. Have a good system to start things
      6. Have a good method to sustain things.
      7. At some point the only true path is to just do it.

    10. TPS reporter*

      I don’t think my parents ever instilled a specific order if operations in me but always made clear to value academic and professional achievements and left it to me to schedule when to do the chores. These are of course wildly different categories. Getting a degree is a lot harder than doing laundry. Although at least one has an end date.

      For me I got better at doing more routine hard things like chores and scheduling my life when I had more motivation that meant something to me. Like I owned my own home, my own health needed to improve. Getting orders from an outside entity to do these things for their own self satisfaction was not enough for me. I had to find within myself what was important and worth putting in the effort.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Getting orders from an outside entity to do these things for their own self satisfaction was not enough for me. I had to find within myself what was important and worth putting in the effort.

        I can identify with this. I’ve always bristled at being told/”forced” to do anything and considered myself rebellious in ways.

    11. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’ve heard it said that delaying gratification and avoiding risk are controlled by the pre-frontal cortex, which is one of the last parts of the brain to fully develop, and is why teenagers are reckless and impulsive and have high car insurance rates. They don’t have a fully grown pre-frontal cortex yet. So if there is a window that closes, which I’m pretty dubious about, it would close in early adulthood.

      The pre-frontal cortex is also supposedly one of the first things to go with dementia, incidentally, which is why grandma is also reckless and impulsive, and cannot wait until later for you to go get the mail for her, please go check if the mailman has come NOW.

    12. Yes, of course you can change as an adult*

      This feels like a great opportunity to talk about the distinction between an explanation and an excuse.

      “Oh, I don’t know how to do that because nobody ever taught me how!” is an *explanation* when it’s followed by “Guess I’d better figure out how to learn now.” An explanation can show you what you need to do to get where you need to be. It can help you define a problem so you can look for a solution. It can help you forgive yourself when you have setbacks, so you don’t waste too much of your time and emotional energy on frustration. It’s useful and helpful.

      “Oh, I don’t know how to do that because nobody ever taught me how!” is an *excuse* when it’s followed by “So I don’t have to do that.” An excuse prevents you from growing, and separates you from where you want to be. It drags you down and prevents you from living the life you want. It’s counterproductive and harmful.

      Yes, of course people can grow and change and improve in adulthood. They do it all the time. You can do it if you are motivated to, and you can do it more easily if you have support – real support that both offers you tools and holds you accountable, not just cheerleading.

      Everybody has some stuff that they just have to do. We all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves as best we can. If we have kids, we have to take care of our kids and make sure their needs are met. People who had parents who taught and nurtured them well as kids have a leg up – it’s easier for them to get where they need to go. Those of us who didn’t have to work harder to get where we need to be, but we’re not exempt from it. I worked professionally for many years with adult survivors of parental abuse and neglect. They had to do a ton of work to unlearn maladaptive behaviours and learn healthy ones, but they got there, because they wanted the life that learning those skills would bring them.

      Nobody can be you except you. Nobody can develop your skills for you, and nobody else can meet your responsibilities. You have to decide what you want your life to be like and how much you’re prepared to work to get there.

      There are tons of great resources on learning work ethic, personal discipline, distress tolerance, etc. online – just reams and reams and reams of advice with different kinds of techniques that are aimed at people with a wide variety of challenges. And if you have the financial resources, this is one of the things that therapy is really, really great at. If this is something you want to do then you can find a way to do it. Good luck to you! :)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I love the distinction between explanation and excuse! To your paragraph about parental upbringing – I once read somewhere that being raised by emotionally stable and loving parents is a privilege that most people don’t realize. I’ve always felt like I’ve had to work 3x harder *just* to be average.

        As for therapy, last round didn’t go so well and I just don’t have the time/energy/bandwidth to go for it again just yet. Everyone here including you gave really great advice and I have an idea of where to start!

        1. Yes, of course you can change as an adult*

          I hear you – I did not have a functional upbringing, and as an adult I live with a chronic disease that saps my energy and motivation. It’s taken me tons and tons of work to get where I am today (great career, great partner, great friends, great kids, loving life). While I was on maternity leave with Kid #2 I had a real run of feeling sorry for myself. It was a super tough pregnancy and I was even more physically depleted than usual, plus newborn + toddler, plus all the usual life stuff that can drag you down if you’re not on top of it. And I just thought to myself, “why the f is it so hard for me to just LIVE?? Like how is it fair that I have to do all this extra stuff just to get out of bed in the morning, when there are people just, like, skating by? I shouldn’t have to work this hard!!”

          GUESS WHAT. It’s not fair at all! I shouldn’t have to work twice as hard to get half as far! But I do. I can’t change my parents and all the wrong lessons they taught me that I had to unlearn. I can’t change the fact that my body has to spend half its energy fighting my disease so I only have half the regular amount of juice to do my laundry and play with my kids and smooch my partner and go to board game night with. That’s just what I have to work with, and I have to choose what I do with it. So I can cross my arms and say I won’t play an unfair game, and then I guess I just don’t? And I won’t get to spend time with my great kids, and supper won’t get cooked, and I won’t get to enjoy my interesting job. (The dishes and the laundry would still be done, my partner does those.) Or I can say, “well, I wish this were easier,” and do it anyway, and then I get to still have the maximum amount possible of stuff I want. So I organize myself in a way that maximizes what I can get with what I have, and don’t waste my time feeling sorry for myself any more than I have to.

          Up to me what I choose to do – and up to you what you choose to do.

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Hi all, there’s a lot of comments here and I haven’t been able to read all of them. It takes me a long time to read through a lot of text and absorb it so I’ll be taking my time reading everything, but I just wanted to comment quickly before the weekend’s over. I know I tend to post things and go *poof* but I really do read when I find time and truly appreciate the helpful comments <3

    14. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Thanks everyone, really a lot of great ideas to take in. 

      So when I initially wrote this, I was basically thinking about the big 3 things: Work, housework, diet/weight. There’s also the overarching theme of relationships and situation where this is coming in to play but I don’t want to get too detailed to avoid derailing but want to share a few examples: 

      At work–I remember spending hours fantasizing and planning what I would do when a major deadline passed and I had more free time. When I could have used that time to just WORK. In college I would skip classes all the time because I was having too much fun hanging out with friends or doing something else. Staying up all night and sacrificing sleep to watch TV or be in chatrooms (the days before late night scrolling and netflix lol). 

      For housework, my husband does all the dishes every single night, and takes out the trash and mops the floor & vacuums. He’s consistent and thorough whereas when it comes to my chores…I am not. The explanation is that I was never raised to do housework BUT I don’t use it as an excuse to never do them or dump them all on him. I just struggle more to do them.

      and the big one, diet and exercise. Again I don’t want to derail this, but I have never had self control with eating. I will eat what I want when I want and suffer the consequences. 

      So this is where I was when I initially asked this. But a lot of yall wrote really great information to take in. I can’t do therapy right now, no time/money/energy/bandwidth but at least I have a more clear direction than I did before and honestly it IS really comforting to know it’s never too late. 

  77. WoodswomanWrites*

    Birding thread. What have you been seeing?

    I got a long look at a male spotted towhee today, including a different view of it from below that revealed it’s showy tail. They’re beautiful birds that I always enjoy seeing. I haven’t seen their underside before and the tail had a cool black and white heart-shaped pattern on the bottom.

    1. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I saw two ospreys a few days ago, they hovered around for a couple of hours!

    2. allathian*

      There’s a pair of Eurasian blue tits nesting in our birdhouse. I caught the male coming out of it when we were working in the garden.

    3. Generic Name*

      I saw a western bluebird at our feeder yesterday! I see mountain bluebirds fairly often, but I’ve never seen a western before. We got a foot of snow dumped in us yesterday, so I made sure the feeders were accessible. Lots of birds were enjoying the oriole feeder besides orioles: house finches, robins, hummingbirds, etc. we also have western kingbirds who have been hanging around lately. I think they have a nest in my neighbor’s basketball hoop.

    4. Double A*

      A bird built its nest in our front porch light and I’m not sure what kind it is. Mom flies away as soon as I open the front door. The babies hatched though so we’ve been peeking in and watching them grow. We have a bunch of Western bluebirds nesting near our house but I’m pretty sure these aren’t bluebirds.

    5. Chrysoptera*

      I saw a dozen Red Knots today on the inlet, along with many other shorebirds.

  78. Steve Holt!*

    I will be in Atlanta Georgia for a few days in June. Any recommendations for great restaurants or things I should try to see while I’m there?

    1. CTT*

      I always love visiting the High Museum whenever I’m there! They have a good collection that’s not too overwhelming.

    3. peasblossom*

      So many great things to do and eat! Here are some of my favorite restaurants:

      Mary Mac’s (amazing southern food, a classic meat and three)
      The Porter (great beer selection and food)
      Man Chun Hong (great korean–but really a good starting point, just google buford highway for great korean barbecue)
      Ecco (italian, delicious!)
      Sun in My Belly (brunch)
      Chai Pani (indian street food)

      Things to do:
      The High Museum is great as someone else noted
      Shakespeare Tavern if you like Shakespeare and bars with a committed theme
      The Aquarium
      Five Points area vintage shops
      Your Dekalb Farmers Market (huge international market)
      Jeju Sauna (korean spa that I’ve got a real fondness for)
      botanical gardens

      Have a great time! Atlanta’s a fun city; just be sure to plan around neighborhoods so you don’t spend all of your time in traffic.

      1. Courageous cat*

        May be worth specifying LITTLE five points, lest OP actually end up in Five Points and is very confused, ha.

    4. ronda*

      Buford hwy for asian and Mexican eating

      vietnam– pho bac for their bahn mi. nam phong for their bbq pork summer rolls and filet pho

      downtown near centennial olympic park has several tourist attractions, right near each other. can tour, the park, the aquarium, college football hall of fame, a Ferris wheel thing, world of coke, children museum.

    5. WellRed*

      The Martin Luther king center (can’t remember exact name), aquarium, eat fried chicken at any good restaurants.

    7. Uncle in Atlanta*

      The Varsity (“What’ll ya have”)
      No claim on good food, just, it’s a classic Atlanta thing.

    8. Virtual Light*

      Seconding the Martin Luther King center. I learned a LOT. You can also tour the house where he grew up, which I found fascinating.

      Even just being in that neighborhood helped me to understand a little more about the Civil Rights movement.

  79. Annona*

    Months and months ago, someone posted here about a Philips CPAP machine being recalled, which my husband uses. Thank you!!!
    My husband finally got his replacement yesterday. We would have never known about the recall without this community!

  80. Swisa*

    Posting late, so may need to repost next week, but has anyone learned to surf? Any recommendations? If not about surfing, about learning to do something new in mid life?

    My whole life, I’ve vacationed by the ocean for a week each summer. I’m great at body boarding/boogie boarding, but have always wanted to learn to surf. I’m almost 40, and I think it’s time.

    My plan is to pay for a few hours of lessons this year, and if I like it, get a beginners board at a local surf shop.

    I’m only at the beach for a week, plus maybe a weekend or two a year, so I won’t have many opportunities to practice. But I’m nervous and excited.

    1. esemess*

      I started biking during the pandemic and even completed a triathlon! It was hard, scary, and invigorating! You can do it!! :)

    2. Decidedly Me*

      My partner and I did one intro lesson together. He did much better than me (probably from playing sports that require good balance). It’s fun, but will take some practice for sure. Enjoy it!

    3. Virtual Light*

      I just read the book Rockaway: Surfing Headlong into a New Life by Dianne Cardwell. She moved to Rockaway Beach in her forties and learned how to surf. There was a fair amount of detail about how she went from wanting to surf to figuring out the work she needed to do to get to the level she wanted. Good luck!

  81. Sloanicota*

    Has anyone else noticed that the work thread and the non-work thread are almost equally popular these days? I feel like it used to be that the work thread received far more comments. I wonder if this thread has surged, the other thread has declined, or what? I know I have only recently started posting here (my screen name generally being the question rather than the regular one I use on the other threads).

    1. enough*

      The work thread has less comments then in the past. I believe this is from the pandemic as there are fewer people in many offices so there is less friction. Less friction – less need to vent/look for advice.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Come to think of it, this is exactly why I started posting more here and less there!!

    2. RagingADHD*

      The requirement to ask a question instead of vent, and some more stringent rule enforcement, cut down a lot of negative traffic.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh, interesting theory! Okay, I got off my duff to investigate.

        Prepandemic, 2019: May 25, the work thread had 1,722 and the nonwork thread had 1,245 (so actually the difference was never really as great as I recall).

        Random date in 2020 (Jan 24, 202o) the work thread had 1,734 comments and the nonwork thread had 1,333

        May 24 2020, the work thread had 1,126 and the nonwork thread had 1,678 – this was after the pandemic started.

        Today, the work thread has 1,131 and the nonwork thread as of this posting has 1,186

    3. RosyGlasses*

      Interestingly I have felt like the non work thread has a lot less activity than when I first started really reading a year ago. I felt like the drop off happened after the new rule about no updates – but also I’ve been having so much trouble with the mobile version of the site that maybe I have dropped off in my interactions myself! Regardless, it is nice to get thru the threads faster but I do miss the updates at times.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I feel like they were always close to each other but I feel like in 2020 the weekend thread took off more than the work thread. For a lot of ppl the weekend thread was a way to interact while in lockdown I suppose, esp in the early weeks of it all.
      and the rules were different then as well (there were many discussions on changing the rules around that time I recall).

  82. Moving Advice*

    Hello AAM friends – I am moving in a week (and are preetty stressed lol, as expected, LOTS going on) and I need some great advice on what to put in a box that I will use for the first day in my new place. For context, I am a 35-year-old woman with a lovely cat. The moving company is packing me, so thank goodness for that, but they said that I need to tell the packers what to pack in the box for the first night/immediate use. I’ll arrive at my new place a day ahead of the movers, I’m moving several hours away. I remember in past years there were posts with the same question and this community truly had some excellent tips, but I haven’t had luck finding these posts. Thank you in advance for any inputs!

    1. Sloanicota*

      My $.02, find a can opener/bottle opener/corkscrew (maybe a multitool?) and tuck it away, along with a couple ziplock plastic bags and masking tape. I’m going through a kitchen remodel right now and that’s what I’ve needed that I forgot to set out separately. Your mileage may vary if you don’t drink / didn’t pack tuna cans to eat on crackers.

    3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      As you start/end your regular day, note what you use; that should be in the box or kept with you. So pillow, pajamas, toothbrush, towel etc…but also tea/coffee maker or hot water kettle, mug, bowl/plate, 1 set of silverware (fork spoon butter knife), toilet paper, trash bags, a multipurpose surface cleaner like 409, a cleaning rag, chargers and cords for phone/computer & a power strip surge protector, a few clothes hangers, bags for grocery shopping. Then think of a few things you probably don’t use often but might need in an unfamiliar place like a large flashlight with fresh batteries, a night light, and an umbrella.

    4. *daha**

      Toilet paper, hand soap, soap/shampoo for shower, bath towel, hand towel, dish towel, dish soap, face tissues, bags for trash, cat litter and box and scoop, food and water bowls for cat and the food to go in them. You might need to bring a shower curtain to hang to take your shower. Is there a bed waiting for you? You’ll want all the bedding for it. If not, what? A sleeping bag and air mattress? Coffee maker and coffee, sweetener, creamer, mug, filters, spoon.
      Make sure that power and heat and water and hot water will all be ready for you when you get there.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh, great point, I’d add to bath towel / shower curtain, maybe something you can gin up for a curtain? (could be the bath towel or curtain depending on the situation you’re heading into). I recall some places I moved into with wide-open windows that were very visible, including in the bathroom haha, but even sleeping in a bedroom that people can peer directly into is uncomfortable to me.

    6. Just another queer reader*

      A single plate/ bowl/ cup/ set of silverware; enough food to survive on; cleaning supplies; soap; toilet paper; a trash bag; an overnight bag for yourself and your cat; your bed(?).

    7. Moving Advice*

      You folks are a godsend – thank you so so much! This helps greatly and takes the stress off of coming up with the right list. This community is so lovely :)

      1. Kittee*

        Hoping you are taking any small valuables with you instead of letting them be packed and moved by movers. As for first night box: Cell phone charger. Litter box, cat litter, cat food, cat toy! anything else your kitty needs. Also a flashlight if you aren’t absolutely sure the power has been turned on. (By absolutely sure I mean you have actually turned on a light in the new place. I have had the electric company tell me the power is on only to find out it’s not!) Have a lovely time in your new place! :-)

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      A semi-random list that I don’t think duplicates other comments. Ignore whatever isn’t useful. :-)

      Medications, either prescription or over the counter. Pain relief (acetominophen) and allergy relief if these are issues in your life. A few bandages, antibiotic cream if you use it, and some way to sanitize the small cuts and scrapes. Soap in a bar, bottle, or pump. Hand lotion. Any other personal care products that you deem essential: deodorant, leave-in hair conditioner, dental floss, etc. Tissues (or extra toilet paper) and a few trash bags. Contact information for key people, employer, and medical care providers.

      Post-it notes and a Sharpie marker. Masking tape. 2-3 writing pens and a small notebook or pad of paper.
      A couple of checks if you don’t do everything by credit or debit card. Some cash.
      *1 to the utility knife! Also a small pair of scissors. And the paperwork from the moving company, and from any utility companies re shutting down service in old place & starting service in new place.
      Snacks that don’t need refrigeration. Maybe a reusable water bottle.
      Personal papers if they’re not at the bank in a safe deposit box.
      Personally valuable or breakable/otherwise irreplaceable items (jewelry, sentimental stuff, electronic devices, backup devices) to move personally.
      Extra clothes, socks, and underwear. Maybe a spare pair of shoes or slippers. Hat, rain coat, umbrella, sunscreen, lip balm, and/or sunglasses.

      May it all go smoothly!

      1. Moving Advice*

        Thank you so much! Excellent points about some office supplies and everything you wrote. Will def add those to my list. Thanks to all the wonderful people here, I am almost done my list of what to take in my car. I am relieved and grateful :) Once it’s all over I will try to post a brief update:)

  83. LuckySophia*

    Are you driving yourself & cat to the new location? If so, obviously pack your car with cat supplies (food, litterbox/litter, a couple toys, food dishes, crate) an overnight bag for yourself with pajamas, robe, toiletries, vitamins, aspirin, any prescription med, spare glasses or contacts if you use them, hair dryer, hairbrush, alarm clock if you use one, and TWO days worth of clothes (in case the movers are somehow unreasonably delayed.)

    For contents of “first box” (which, just being me, I’d want to pack myself and take in car, just to feel secure about it!):
    –bath mat, shower curtain
    — set of towels/washcloth/bar soap
    — mattress pad, set of sheets, bed pillow, blanket.
    –spare light bulbs, flashlight, batteries including spares for smoke detectors, if needed.
    — cleaning products , paper towels, microfiber towels, toilet brush, extra sponges, dish sponge, dish detergent
    –small table lamp, radio or clock radio for entertainment until your TV arrives & cable gets hooked up.
    — small frying pan, saucepan, potholder, dish/bowl/mug, spoon/fork knife, coffee & coffeemaker; granola bars or equivalent snack food to keep you going.
    — step stool? (if you have to replace high-up burned out light bulbs.
    — Thumbtacks & spare towel you could hang over say, the bathroom window until your own curtains arrive.

    Good luck!!!

    1. LuckySophia*

      Yikes, I forgot about all the stuff Sloanicota mentioned, plus trashbags and a kitchen trashcan or at least a small wastebasket. Oh, and a bottle of wine, wineglass, corkscrew would be on my list for sure. Maybe throw a vacuum cleaner in your car so you can vac the joint before the movers & furniture arrive.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I agree, if it were me I’d back a carryon bag of essentials as if I were traveling for a long weekend and keep that with me, not count on the movers to deliver … just in case there’s a breakdown, lost truck, whatever it is. I’ve definitely heard of cross-country movers (which I realize is not the situation) being delayed by several days, even a week.

    3. Moving Advice*

      Thank you, this is WONDERFUL advice. Yes, my kitty is traveling with me, so his supplies I have all figured out. Also Sloanicota mentioned a can opener, and OF COURSE, how could I not think about that for my cat’s cans (facepalm lol).

  84. Cj*

    I wanted to make burritos this weekend and knew I was almost out of hot sauce in the fridge, so I checked the cupboard and have one in there. I checked the date and it said May, so I thought it was good.

    I just glanced at the date again when I was getting ready to make lunch, and realized it says May 2021. It’s in a sealed glass bottle. It seems to look okay as far as colour and texture. I wanted to check sure before I tasted it to see if anybody knows if it would still be safe to use. Any food expiration experts out there?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I imagine it’s totally fine. One thing I read on this topic is that if your product has no best-by date, and the competition does, people look at your offering askance. Like it must be a radioactive twinkie, rather than just acknowledging that modern canned goods last a long time.

      If cleaning cupboards, I would toss not on “must be dangerous” but “clearly not something I actually use.”

    6. Observer*

      In general, food expiration dates are not about safety but about freshness and taste. So a sealed bottle of something that is a year past it’s expiration date my taste like paste (or not), but it’s highly unlikely to be unsafe for use.

      1. Cj*

        That’s kind of what I was thinking. I’m going to taste a little bit of it before I put it on a burrito and ruin the entire meal.

        If it had been opened for a few months and was at that far past the “best by” date, I probably won’t use it. But I’m thinking since it’s still sealed I’m probably safe.

  85. Documents*

    I’ve been clearing things up and came across this folder full of old x-rays, from at least 5 years ago, but some from 15 years ago (these are not printouts from digital that you might get now). The various issues have resolved themselves. If Do I need to keep them? I don’t need them anymore, how to best discard them?

    1. kina lillet*

      You could ask your doctor’s office if they want to scan the historical records into your chart, but they may just not care and say you can toss them.

    2. Might Be Spam*

      A couple of weeks ago I found a bunch of x-rays that must have been behind the couch for 4 years and I just tossed them. They would need to take new x-rays anyway, if the issues ever recurred.

      The only time they used old x-rays instead of new ones, was when it was only needed for insurance approval and it was already bad enough to justify the surgery. I had just been putting it off for toxic family reasons.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Hospitals throw them out at set intervals. I question that, but you know, who am I, right?

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Here in Australia they can be recycled to recover some useful substance, a friend of mine has taken a lot to the local hospital.

  86. Protective of My Flowers*

    We have been in our new house a year. The neighborhood is extremely friendly, a mix of retired people and young couples and families. Lots of gardening and landscaping and dogs. It is so nice. We are a lesbian couple and have felt welcome. Recently we have had three preteen boys start to mess with our yard on the way home from school. They have rung the doorbell and run away, and worse, cut off flowers as they start to bloom. We are not sure why they are targeting us; it could be because our puppies bark from behind the fence when they walk by.
    Any ideas about how to deal with this situation? Security camera caught the doorbell prank.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I think “ding-dong-ditch” is just a thing preteen kids think is cool and edgy. Our little pranksters were doing it all up and down the street, and I bet yours are too.

      I happened to be WFH, so I went out and called them over. I did the old “what’s all this then” routine. I happened to know whose kids they were (though they didn’t realize it). They were hugely embarrassed at getting caught.

      I told them if it happened again, I’d have to call their parents, and then told them if they were bored they could pick up pinecones in my yard, and I’d pay them by the bucketful.

      I got my yard cleaned up for a good price, and one of them never did it again. The other one (who I know was going through some issues with custody between his parents, one parent remarrying, etc) tried it on one more time. So then I had to contact his dad.

      If you aren’t there when it happens, I wouldn’t worry about the doorbell. But the flowers are a problem, so if you know who it is I’d go talk to them & their parents together at their house.

      The main thing I find with kids that age is to not lecture, but ask them why they did it. Then tell them why it matters to you. Then ask them what they think is fair.

      Most kids aren’t sociopaths. They have a sense of fairness and appreciate being talked to instead of yelled at.

      1. Esus4*

        Thank you! I don’t really care about the doorbell thing. I hope they aren’t cutting off the flowers–maybe it is squirrels! I like the script for confronting them if I can make it happen. And your pinecone plan…

    2. WellRed*

      Are you sure the boys are cutting off the flowers? Squirrels have been known in my neighborhood to snap ‘‘em off. As to the doorbell, sounds like a dumb preteen prank. It’s not likely to do with the puppies barking. If the boys are indeed hassling you, are they also doing it to anyone else? Do you know who they are to ask them nicely to knock it off? Or talk to parents?

    3. Swisa*

      I’d likely ignore it if possible.

      My husband used to do this with his friends 25 years ago, and took the most delight in returning what they deemed the “challenge house” (where the owner would chase them).

      And I’m sorry. That sucks!

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