weekend open thread – August 20-21, 2022

by Alison Green on August 19, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Startup Wife, by Tahmima Anam. A newlywed coder and her husband develops a wildly popular app with her husband, who soon becomes a messiah-like figure to users (the app creates customized spiritual experiences for the non-religious). Things go sideways.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Constance Lloyd*

    Fiber arts*: any fun new projects you’re starting or or techniques you’re exploring?

    *knitting, crocheting, weaving, embroidery, etc etc etc

    1. Liminality*

      I have been working on a petit point embroidery of a scene from Yosemite National Park since January and I have a little over a quarter finished so far. The only other needlepoint project I’ve completed is a cross stitch of a Thomas Kinkade Disney’s Cinderella themed painting. Petit point is so much tinier! It’s the same type of diagonal stitch as cross stitch, but only going in the one direction rather than both.

      At this rate it’ll take me 2-ish years to finish this thing, and my sister who commissioned the project plans to frame and display it in her home. :)

    2. Lemon*

      I am so excited to see a fiber arts thread! (pun not intended but welcomed haha)

      Made an embroidered earring, experimenting with stumpwork techniques. Next on my list is a landscape embroidery, this is a stretch project for me because of the size (my biggest project so far). I intend to get it framed when I’m done. Wish me luck – I’m both excited and intimidated by it!

    3. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      I have not had much time to work on my very basic crochet washcloth, but I hope to get a lot further while on the vacation I’m leaving for today!

    4. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      I am knitting thriftysocks (super simple toe-up socks in plain stocking stitch with random stripes, using up small bits of leftover yarn). Any suggestions for making the colour patterns more interesting than horizontal stripes (with contrast toe & heel) would be welcome – I’m a decent knitter but avoid colour work because my superpower is that any yarn in my presence becomes instantly & irremediably tangled).

      I am trying to learn an embroidery technique called “thread painting” – like satin stitch but with lots of shading & such – like this! so beautiful! https://i.etsystatic.com/27041558/r/il/b7075f/2825841283/il_1140xN.2825841283_lenq.jpg – but I like to embroider by following a pattern, with blocks of colour, and I think I might need, like, ACTUAL painting skills in order to do thread painting. Like I might have to just impressionistically/ intuitively blend colours as I go to make it look right, and I can’t do that. Any thread painters with advice for me?

      1. Constance Lloyd*

        How do you feel about simple stranded color work? You could use that technique to add bands of vertical stripes or little dots or contrasting color. It’s not so bad if the yarn gets tangled, because after a short bit of knitting you’ll cut the strands and move on to the next.
        I recently learned mosaic color work knitting, which lets you add pops of color without adding bulk to the fabric and you only have to hold one strand of yarn at a time.
        Otherwise you could play with texture, adding stripes of seed stitch or moss stitch.

        1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          I have not tried simple stranded colour work but both that & mosaic sound like they might be within my capabilities – thank you! I will check them out.

          Seed & moss stitch could also work (maybe in vertical bands against the horizontal colour striping)

        2. Rufus Bumblesplat*

          I second the recommendation for mosaic colour work. As you only work with one colour at a time it reduces the likelihood of tangles.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        For the thread painting, I think it might help to copy something you like. A Bob Ross tutorial maybe? Or an impressionistic painting? That way you can see the colors.

        1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          Ooh, that’s smart – thank you. Then I don’t have to figure out how to do the colour blending myself, which is the bit I can’t do (I just realised I basically treat embroidery like colouring-in – I like to colour between the lines!)

          1. Very Social*

            I also feel like embroidery is very much like coloring–they both fill the same soothing niche in my brain!

      3. Blue Balloon*

        Ooh, seconding the slipped-stitch suggestion for colorwork without holding two colors. Constance Lloyd suggested mosaic knitting but there are many slipped-st patterns that might be interesting.

        2. Constance Lloyd*

          And now I’m off to look into other slipped stitch color work! I seem to convince myself that every new technique is wildly complicated and beyond my abilities, and then I finally grit my teeth and try it and what do you know? Not impossible!

      4. Lady Knittington*

        The only suggestion I can think of is to do a k1 p1 row (or k1 slip 1) every time you come to a colour change, so you get a bit of variation but without it being massively complicated

    5. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      (I think my comment is stuck in moderation – in the meantime, any advice for someone trying out “thread painting” [embroidery technique] would be welcomed!)

    6. Lifelong student*

      In the last few weeks I have crocheted two RBG dissent collars. Then I was given a pattern for a knitted one and pulled my old knitting skill out from my memory and did that one. First time knitting on circular needles and learned some new stitches! Now I am working on scarves for donation using up yarn from my stash that I don’t particularly like so that it doesn’t go to waste or take up space.

    7. Llellayena*

      Today I get to make 3 pincushions to sell at my quilt guild’s quilt show. They’re adorable and look like birds!

    8. Ninja Prof*

      I’m about halfway through crocheting an ottoman cover to use up some chunky yarn in my stash. Which I did, and now have to buy more chunky yarn to finish the project. The original yarn was discontinued, so its been a fun challenge trying to find suitable substitutes!

      I’m also working on a “safe space” cross stitch for a friend’s office that I hope to finish by the end of the month.

    9. KofSharp*

      I’m finishing up my Renaissance Festival costume and figuring out how to make pants next!

    10. Adventurous Alpaca*

      I was a knitter for years but this spring decided to teach myself to crochet.

      I started with a washcloth, then made a bag, and now am making dinosaur hats for my sisters kids. I’m finding that now that I have the hang of crochet, I enjoy it much more than knitting and its much easier to make things in different shapes. I’d done some amigurumi knitting but am excited about the possibilities in crochet.

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        I too was a knitter first, then learned crochet and felt the same way! No dropping stitches off the needle, so easy to do circular things, works up so fast too!

        At this point in my life I’ve realized there is a place for each. Knitting IMHO makes a nicer fabric, so it’s definitely my go to for sweaters. I refuse to knit a stuffed animal though, crochet is made for those kinds of projects!

        Your dinosaur hats sound cute!

    11. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m far away from my sewing machines at the moment, but prior to leaving I was able to finish some baby pants for a friend.

    12. Pickwick Papers*

      I just started crocheting the “Moorlands” blanket by Attic24. They suggest a yarn pack and the striped colors of the blanket were inspired by the Yorkshire moorland. I was so excited I bought the yarn for two other blankets by the same designer!

    13. Not A Manager*

      I am still working on the Neverending Afghan for my son, but I’ve taken a break to crochet a scarf for my friend’s upcoming birthday.

    14. Constance Lloyd*

      I just finished my first cable knit project, a hat for an old friend I haven’t seen in ages. I spent years avoiding cables because they seemed so complicated, but they’re surprisingly simple, just like everyone always said! Now I’m finding ways to incorporate them into non-cabled sweater patterns I already have.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        One caution: if the cables weren’t in the original design, check your gauge cabled as well as flat. They pull in, sometimes quite a lot. You don’t want to put all that work into a sweater that doesn’t fit.

        1. Constance Lloyd*

          Oh yes, absolutely! I don’t plan on doing full cables, either. I’m thinking more along the lines of adding a small accent cable down the center of a basic boxy raglan.

    15. Sundial*

      I have a stack of sweaters that are too shabby to wear, and I’m trying to find a place to donate them for the yarn. Suggestions welcome!

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Unless they’re hand-knitted sweaters, they won’t necessarily be easy to unravel for yarn. Some mass-produced sweaters are cut out and seen together from knit fabric instead of knitted with shaping stitches and then seamed. If that’s the case, when unraveled, you just end up with a bunch of short strands of yarn. If the sweaters are wool (or alpaca or other feltable fibers), you could start by trying to find someone who likes sewing/crafting with felt — it might be easier than trying to find someone with the patience to try and unravel the sweaters. Have you tried just posting them on etsy as, like, Lot of Bulk Sweaters for Crafting, and just set the price to whatever will cover your shipping costs?

    16. Dancing Otter*

      KNITTING
      I frogged four unfinished knitting projects this week.
      One cowl of lace weight yarn too close to my skin color, plus different stitch patterns at widely varied gauges that I could never, ever, have blocked equal.
      Three sweaters, two almost completely finished, that I need a smaller size after losing at least seventy pounds since starting (can’t remember exactly when I started them, at what weight). These were not styles that would look good with an extra eight inches of ease. Also, one had not been stored properly, and either moths or cats had done some damage.

      I discarded numerous partial skeins, some quite unidentifiable, and have been working on a basic seed stitch blanket to use up a large leftover skein. It was supposed to be a cat blanket. I cast on as many stitches as would fit on a 10” needle. Turns out 75 stitches on a size 11 needle in mohair bouclé is pretty wide. I’m a bit over halfway through the skein.

    17. happybat*

      Have responded to an upcoming month of intense work by casting on a shawl – pattern Dover Castle, yarn leftover Malabrigo. So far, very charming!

    18. germank106*

      I finished my Charlotte’s Universe blanket https://i.imgur.com/Ixr8FIo.jpg a while ago and now I’m back to knitting. No particular pattern, just a basic top-down raglan cardigan. Might take me a while, I broke my elbow a few weeks ago and typing is still a chore.

    19. Madame Arcati*

      I’m just beginning a medallion quilt in Liberty fabrics. It is for me I am going to keep it myself. It is also going to take aaaaaaaaaaages…

      1. Constance Lloyd*

        Oh man, I just finished a throw blanket and my first thought was never again! I’m so impatient haha

        1. Madame Arcati*

          This one will be nice to do because of the variety; a medallion quilt (at least in patchwork) has a central motif surrounding by several different borders. So this one starts with an eight point star made up of little diamonds, then borders include squares on point, plain with little EPP hexagon flowers appliquéd on, triangles, squares and flying geese…

        2. germank106*

          But it’s so satisfying when you’re finally done. I usually work on one large project (blanket, shawl, cardigan, sweater, etc.) and also have a little project going. I’m currently obsessed with the tiny window cat pattern on Ravelry https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/tiny-window-cat. It’s great for using up leftovers and I plan on making a bunch to use as stocking stuffers and gifts. Socks are a second favorite. Everyone needs socks….

          1. Constance Lloyd*

            I think this is the trick, the one I finished was just garter stitch and I got so bored, so I’m considering playing with texture a bit (maybe a broken garter stitch) or using intarsia to imitate an oversized classic quilting pattern, like a sawtooth star. I’m the first knitter in a long line of very good quilters (including an aunt who quilts professionally) so quilting motifs could be a fun way to learn a new knitting technique while also giving a nod to the craft I come from, so to speak.

    20. Rufus Bumblesplat*

      I finished my beta knit Woolly Wormhead hat…and then promptly cast on for another one of their designs that I’ve been meaning to make for a while. I’m currently playing a game of yarn chicken and hopeful that I’ll win. I do like working with my own handspun yarn, but it does mean that I can’t run out and buy another skein if I end up short.

    21. definitely anon for this*

      Many things! I just bought a book about geometric knitting and want to start playing around with pi blankets. In the meantime, knitting two non-circular blankets and sewing a dress.

    24. Random Biter*

      SO into counted cross stitching right now. Keeps my hands busy and out of the fridge. I keep several projects going at once so I don’t get bored (yeah, probably somewhere on the ADHD spectrum)

      1. Halloween carousel horse
      2. Halloween mini portraits of different Halloween monsters
      3. Halloween poster created by a FB friend (seeing a pattern here?)
      4. 4th of July carousel horse (this one will go to one of the rescues I volunteer for to use as a raffle item as will the Halloween horse)
      5. “Tempest in a Tea Cup” mini dragon in a tea cup
      6. 12 Days of Christmas done as mini Christmas ornaments

      All ready for those cold, stuck in the house months!

    25. Sh*tshow Master, PMP*

      Ooh! I’m late to the party but this is exactly the off-topic thread I am here for! I’ve been a crocheter for many years/decades and finally came over to knitting this year. I have a Weekender Light on the needles and just picked up yarn for an Alpenglow on Saturday! Very excited to try my hand at stranded colorwork – I’ll enjoy wearing the plainer reverse stockinette in my Weekender, but after all those years of varied stitches and multicolored patterns with a crochet hook, my brain is craving a more challenging knit.

  2. Anonymous for today*

    My parents have indicated they would like to give some money to my son for later use (schooling, something else?) We are not living in the US at the moment, but would want to keep it in the US for simplicity of tax stuff…Help? I have no idea about investing and such! I know enough to say that putting it in an account is not a good use of it as the value will decrease over time, but beyond that I don’t know what would be best or where to start researching. Ideally I’d like to park it somewhere, but not have to think about it much. Thank you for any ideas!

      1. Anon in IL*

        Will they gift more than $16,000 in a single year? If so, there may be IRS reporting obligations.

        The annual gift exclusion is $16,000. It is Ok to gift more in a single year and most likely no gift tax will be due but they would file IRS Form 709 to report gifts over $16,000.

        There is a special rule for 529 plans. They can fund five years at once ($16,000 x 5 = $80,000) but again must file Form 709 to elect this special treatment.

        “Gift splitting” for married couples can double these amounts.

        1. JSPA*

          that’s per person (to and from) such that two parents can give 2 x that gift tax limit, without reporting. And if 4 GP want to give, plus two aunts and one family friend, then multiply by (counts on fingers) $16K x 7. And if they want to do that for multiple recipients? Also fine. So far (with variations in the limit, per year) it’s been fine, for decades, to do this every year.

      2. Bluebell*

        But if your child attends college outside of the U.S., that wouldn’t be as useful. Or if they don’t take the college route. Spouse and I are helping out our niece and nephew because our child decided that college wasn’t for them.

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      529 is good if you are pretty sure he will need the money for school or if you’re ok with a penalty for using it for other purposes.
      Otherwise, look into a Roth IRA. The original contribution can be withdrawn after 5 years with no penalty (earnings on top of that cannot be until age 59.5 with some exceptions like college or buying a first home). Or they can stay there and supercharge his retirement since he’d be getting such an early start. There’s an annual contribution limit so depending on the size of the gift you may need to contribute over multiple years.
      And IBonds are an attractive option right now since they’re indexed to inflation.

      1. Expat*

        A Roth IRA only makes sense if the son has a actual income source and is paying US taxes on that income. (If OP/OP’s son is not in the US and the income earned is excluded from US taxes using the foreign income exclusion method, OP or OP’s son can’t contribute to a Roth IRA) Depending on which country they are in and how the tax burden compares to the US, they could file a tax return and use the foreign tax credit instead, but if their tax burden is lower than it would be in the US, they will likely owe money to Uncle Sam.

        1. fposte*

          Right, you can only contribute to a Roth up to your earned income. So if the son made and reported $1000 of babysitting income this year and that’s it, $1000 is the max he can put in a Roth.

    5. Lorraine*

      I anti rec 529s. My parents did this for my kid who is now in college and it’s just a pain. She’s not going to school in the state where they live, she’s got scholarships for tuition so she has to send all this documentation every semester that her tuition is actually covered among other issues.

      1. WellRed*

        MY understanding is there are state specific and non specific options. Hopefully someone better versed in these than me can clarify.

        1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          I set up my kids in a non-state specific account. We are using it at an out of state private school and have no issues. You can use it for room and board even if your kid is renting an apartment and not staying in the dorms

        2. Double A*

          There are state run options for 529s, but you can use them for anywhere.

          There are some prepaid tuition options that are state or school specific if that’s what you were thinking about. Like, I could prepay tuition for University of California for my kid now, but then of course they’d need to go to UC.

        3. Lorraine*

          This 529 was set up 20 years ago by my parents and it looks like they are easier to use now. What the other commenters say is true: my kid can use hers out of state and for living expenses. It’s just a lot of hoops to jump through every semester that I find tedious. If that’s not an issue for newly opened ones, then it wouldn’t be as big a deal.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      As a teen, child inherited money from a relative and opted to put it in an index fund. (We recommended this.) The money is in my name so that if he wanted to use it before 18 (buy a car, travel, etc) we could still access it–if you want to set it aside until 18 then just putting it in child’s name is likely easier. If you won’t need the money for several years and can be flexible about when you sell (standard advice is about 2 years before you need the money start watching the market–if you really need it for a tuition payment next month then you might be stuck selling in the depths of a bear market). If the most likely use is something like “stick money somewhere for at least 10-15 years” then these tend to have the best return on investment. But it is the market–you could enter just before a crash and take quite a while to restore the value, which is likely but not guaranteed in the way say bonds are.

    7. KatEnigma*

      An index fund.

      It’s what Warren Buffett has set up for his wife when he dies- slow growth over time instead of aggressive investing, but it’s meant to set up and then leave alone.

      1. fposte*

        Though you can put it in an index fund in a tax-advantaged program like a 529, in taxable, or in whatever other options the OP’s relevant state, etc., allows.

        1. KatEnigma*

          And if he never gets secondary education in the US the money is lost. Taxes on the interest earned aren’t at all high (the reason the rich earn all their money that way) and the whole thing is way less complicated and restricted than a 529.

          1. fposte*

            It’s not the interest (there won’t be any in a fund, just dividends), it’s the capital gains that’ll be an issue. The rich also use every tax-advantaged account they have access to. How restrictive a 529 will be will depend on the state the OP is in. But mostly I was making the point that an index fund is a vehicle and it can go in any financial garage–taxable, IRA, 529, 401k, etc.

            1. Beth*

              “an index fund is a vehicle and it can go in any financial garage”

              I am absolutely stealing that. Brilliant way of putting it!

          3. JSPA*

            Not lost, but the bite for the taxes that would have come due is larger, retroactively. I mean, it’s their money; if they want to put it in an instrument that will encourage the kids to follow a traditional college path, and to do so in the USA, it’s not like that’s a loss to your kids…and the US is likewise allowed to offer tax breaks for a set up that encourages kids to do traditional higher ed, and to do so in the USA. If they go to school somewhere, where school isn’t prohibitively expensive, they’re still not losing out on a good education and a good life, and some money from what was set aside, when the GP’s were focused on a different life-strategy.

      2. Generic Name*

        I agree with this. My granny gifted me a small amount of money in 1996 and she put it in a mutual fund (actually, we met with a stock broker and he helped me pick something). That little pot of money has grown a lot over the years, and since it’s not tied to a retirement account, I can take money out whenever I want. It’s been really useful for unexpected expenses.

      3. Splendid Colors*

        I lost my retirement savings TWICE in index funds. Each time the economy crashed, the value of my account dropped below the minimum to maintain an account and they cashed me out automatically instead of retaining my funds for when the market recovered.

    8. Double A*

      If you think your kids will do some kind of post secondary training/education, 529s are great, but they do have some limits. If they’d like to leave just some money with no strings attached, I suggest looking into I bonds. They’re government issued bonds that are pegged to inflation, so the amount you put in will grow at the same rate as inflation so it will basically retains value (and interest is never less than zero). You can buy up to $10k per person per year. You can’t cash it out before 1 year, and if you’re cash it out before 5 years there’s a small penalty (3 months interest). You can buy them directly from the US Treasury. I’ll link to the website and a good podcast about the bonds in another reply.

    9. The OG Sleepless*

      I didn’t go with the 529. I set our kids’ college funds up as custodial accounts so that the money could be used for other purposes, especially since I strongly suspected that my son in particular would not follow the traditional college path. You can set them up through an investment firm. The financial advisor can walk you through what kind of funds/bonds you want to invest the money in.

    10. allathian*

      How old is your son and how much money are we talking about? The longer the time until you need the money, the higher the risk you’ll be able to take with it in the hope of a better return.

    11. Observer*

      A 529 plan has some advantages, but if your kid doesn’t go to college it’s going to be a pain. Also, the tax advantages may not be all that useful to you.

      Something that’s simple and straightforward is an index fund in a custodial account. All the big fund companies can help you set one up. So, you would be the custodian, and therefore able to access it, bu it would automatically revert to kid at age 18 or 21.

  3. the other one*

    This week I: a) accidentally sexted my cousin instead of my husband and b) flashed a group of women when I was trying on clothes and my dressing room door swung open while I was standing there in underwear, no bra. Currently digging a hole so I can live the rest of my life many feet underground. Please tell me your own moments of embarrassment so I am less alone.

    1. RosyGlasses*

      Most of mine have been buried underground but here are two:

      When I was in fifth grade I was giving a presentation and sort of went into autopilot and ended my talk by saying “In Jesus Name, Amen”. (I was raised evangelical)

      When I was dating my ex husband, I woke up after peeing the bed (yes, his bed). I had not done such a thing since I was a child and was not drunk. I have no idea why it happened and it never happened again.

      1. North Wind*

        I was raised evangelical as well (no longer of that persuasion). When I was a kid the landline telephone rang and I picked up and instead of “Hello” I said “Dear Heavenly Father” lololol.

    2. PsychNurse*

      I attended an outdoor wedding on a very bright sunny day. I had chosen to wear an adorable vintage dress. I had bought it in a very chic second-hand shop in Japan which was (this is important) dimly lit. The morning of the wedding, I got dressed in a (sigh) dimly lit hotel room. I looked amazing. I was strutting. I arrived at the wedding and made allll the rounds, greeting everyone and living it up. Hours into the event, someone pulled out a Polaroid to take pictures. When the pic came out I realized my dress was see-through. Like an x-ray. The people attending the wedding were all casual acquaintances and colleagues— not friends who would have said “Girl I can see your underwear!” Everyone ignored it. I was absolutely mortified.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        My partner does not understand why I need all the mirrors, and why no light source is good enough because it’s either too dim or casts shadows. This is why I need all the mirrors and all the lights.

    3. Maybe*

      I was new to a dating site and still figuring out which buttons did what. I accidentally “super liked” a man but didn’t know how to undo it.

      When I next logged on I saw the start of a message from him: “I think we are…”

      I didn’t want to open it and read the rest, assuming he would see that I read it and expect a response.

      Being new to the dating world after a long relationship had ended, I wasn’t yet sure how to deal with a man writing something like “I think we are soulmates” or “I think we are meant to be together” or something similar, like I imagined he had written — thanks to the rom coms I’d been binge watching.

      About a week later I finally screwed up the courage to open up the message from the guy I had super liked:

      “I think we are cousins!”

      Yup, we are. I hadn’t recognized the photo or name at first but he is indeed a first cousin!

    4. Sloanicota*

      Aww at one point I was cleaning up the yard in a light sundress and my neighbor came over to tell me I was flashing everybody. It was a flowy dress and my erm fanny etc was visible when I bent down. Sigh.

      1. JSPA*

        I had a large scarf worn as a sort of sarong come untied last week, when the cat shot out the door between my feet, and I reflexively bent down to grab him and boost him back inside.

        I was otherwise 100% commando.

        Luckily it was late dusk, the lights inside were likewise low, and if any of the 5 neighbors who have sightlines on the back door saw the show (front then back, bent over, with a chonky cat doing a “bill the cat” pose), they have said nothing.

      2. Laura Petrie*

        Depending on if you’re in the UK or US you could be showing very different things to your neighbours!

        1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

          Thanks for the reminder that there are different meanings to the word! I read it as the UK definition which would definitely be rather a show for the neighbours.

    5. Katefish*

      This just happened within the past month: I have a hands free pumping bra at work and can pump doing almost anything. I was in the zone responding to email whining one day when IT knocked on my door to install a program. Without thinking, I reflexively said, “Come in.” Only after the IT director sat down at my computer did I realize I was pumping and very much not covered up!

    6. Aaaargh*

      Well, this one isn’t mine, but it might make you feel better. Was out water skiing with a group, and when the other woman climbed back in the boat after her turn, one of her boobs had popped completely out of her swimsuit. The only other people in the boat besides me were all male. Awkward…

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and the first time I went swimming I discovered that I no longer have enough sensation to realize when this happens to me lol. I now make very sure that all my swimsuits are reasonably modest and know how to stay put!

    7. Sundial*

      I was online taking a remote class for my Masters. This was several years preCovid, so people as a whole were not attuned to “Zoom fails” the way they are now.

      My husband was being a selfish jerk and refused to turn off his show while I was in my lecture class. He was blasting Always Sunny at top volume, the episode “Frank’s Pretty Woman” in particular. (If you’re not familiar, Danny Devito’s character proposes to a prostitute, who stumbles through the episode cursing a blue streak while chugging from a flask and smoking crack.)

      My polite requests to turn the show off escalated into frustrated shrieks, and somehow I unmuted myself in time for the class to hear me yell “Turn that shit off!” at the same time one of the characters was saying “There’s a dead wh*re in my apartment? That doesn’t look good.”

      The professor stopped lecturing and said “Uh…we can hear you?” I slammed the laptop closed and skipped the rest of the class. I immediately jumped into the shower because the stress sweat was pouring off me like a waterfall.

    8. North Wind*

      When I was… I don’t know maybe 8-10 years old, I was at my grandma’s house with my cousin and sisters. We were in the next door neighbor’s yard (with permission) playing on their swing set.

      We decided to do a flip around the top bar of the set – so you’d climb the frame, scooch over with your belly right on the top bar, do like a somersault around it, hang down from your arms, then hop to the ground.

      We were wearing shorts, and when it was my turn, I did the flip, and mid-somersault my shorts caught on one of the bolts holding the swings up. My shorts ripped, but my underwear was also caught and it held. So I’m hanging there by underwear just completely stuck. I yelled for help, but everyone was literally on the ground screaming with laughter, until my underwear finally ripped and I fell in an ungainly heap (no injuries).

      It doesn’t seem bad as an adult, but it is NOT OK to be hanging in the sky by your underwear at that age. I heard about it forever.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        I am now having flashbacks to a girl guide/scout song to the tune of John Brown’s Body – “glory glory what a hell of a way to die, suspended by your braces when you don’t know how to fly” (braces being the uk sort which men used to hold their trousers up). At least they didn’t have to scrape you off the tarmac like a pound of strawberry jam!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Content warning: graphic.

          OMG, my middle school English teacher, an ex-Marine with a big ol’ pirate hook, taught us a Marines version of that:

          There was blood upon the risers;
          there were brains upon the chute;
          his intestines were a-dangling from his paratrooper’s boots.
          They picked him up and poured him from his chute into his boots,
          and he ain’t gonna jump no more.

          Gory, gory what a hell of a way to die.
          Gory, gory what a hell of a way to die.
          Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die,
          and he ain’t gonna jump no more.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            The 70s were wild, man. I don’t think you could teach kids that today. . . .

        2. North Wind*

          Hahaha, it’s fortunate my brother and male cousin (two different people ;)) weren’t there as they were fond of making up songs. Surely something in this vein would have been created.

      2. Just Another Cog*

        I remember my playground wardrobe mishap!! I attended Catholic school as a kid and we wore wool skirt jumpers. After recess, my Mom appeared at the door to my classroom and handed the nun a paper bag. The nun whispered that I needed to go to the girl’s room and “put on these underwear”. I was mortified that I had been flashing my classmates. Apparently, the Sister on playground duty saw it, too, and had someone call my Mom. First graders are so blissfully unaware.

    9. FACS*

      I was doing surgery while pregnant. Scrubs have a string tie and it can be hard to gauge it. My pants fell down halfway through a case and did not want anyone to pull up my pants for me, so I just finished. Cue me taking off my gown at the end of the case with the nurses and anesthesiologist in the room. While wearing Wonder Woman underpants. I was mortified and was jokingly called “Diana” for a while after.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        OMG, I love that you have Wonder Woman underpants! Be proud! : )

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I also have a sending the wrong thing to a cousin story! I’d made an “atheist joke about Christianity” meme based on a conversation with a specific friend (not rude or offensive, just kind of weird and intentionally poorly designed) and somehow ended up sending it to a cousin whose current beliefs I don’t know but she was definitely raised more religious than I was. She did not respond or ever acknowledge it

    11. Madame Arcati*

      I was once at a party, standing around with wine in hand, when my silk satin waist-tie skirt FELL CLEAN OFF. Straight to the floor in a split second, do not pass go do not collect £200. The gods be praised I was wearing respectable bottom-covering knickers!

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’ve shared these before, but

      A) Sat on the birthday cake when the lights were off for a surprise party.
      B) Got my period (very obvious in white karate uniform) during a belt test attended by a lot of (other people’s) relatives, and most of my classmates were little kids.

      And this is a new one:
      C) Accidentally sent a snarky text about someone in a group chat TO the group chat. Ugh. That was difficult to apologize for, since I couldn’t really say, “Oops, I meant to be rude behind your back instead of to your face.” I just had to apologize for being rude and grouchy.

    13. Analyst Editor*

      For what it’s worth, I don’t think most women would care about being flashed? You’re all women in the women’s dressing room, you know what they have and they know what you have and some dressing rooms don’t even have stalls, just a single room.

    14. Manders*

      I fell off a treadmill in spectacular fashion in front of a cute guy. (Please, please learn from my mistake and wear that cord that will cut the power if you come off of the belt).

      I was in my tiny apartment workout room, and cute guy came in. I could tell he wanted to use the treadmill so I took out my earbuds to tell him that I would be 20 more minutes. I had to repeat myself because he then had to take out his ear buds to hear me. So while I had my head turned to the right to talk to him briefly, my body drifted to the left of the treadmill. I ended up on the side of the treadmill on the left, off the belt. But instead of stopping the treadmill first, I just… tried to get back on while it was moving.

      My feet fly out behind me, but I’m able to catch the bar to hold on. I can’t get my feet to move fast enough to stand myself up again (I mean, obviously). Then somehow I manage to turn myself all the way over, so now my upper body is facing the ceiling, and my feet are still moving in a running motion, but toward the wall behind me, completely uncoordinated. And then somehow again I’m twisted back to being face-down. All I can think is “should I push the STOP button, or should I pull the cord I should have been wearing?”. It turns out it doesn’t matter – as soon as I remove my right hand from the rail I go flying off the back of the treadmill and end up crumpled against the wall with by rear in the air.

      Did I get up (with the help of cute guy, who somehow did not laugh at me at all) and continue my workout? Yes I did. Did I then go home, clean up the blood on my knees, and never ever again get on a treadmill? Yes to that too.

      2. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        This was the most amazing description, I cannot stop laughing, but also I’m so sorry this happened to you! I literally would’ve moved to Jupiter!

    15. An extra layer of anon*

      In high school, I was in the marching band. I did “auxiliary” which includes flag, batons, etc. One year we had a set of wooden backdrops and the aux. Folks had an outfit chant between numbers. We had one skirt under another longer one, so we pulled the one off, kind of thing. Something went wrong and I managed to pull both off (they stuck together? I don’t recall the details) but while I was hidden from the folks in the stands, it was a competition…. There was a whole other band BEHIND the field who could see me. I basically showed an entire marching band my underpants.

    16. Irish Teacher*

      I once told a student, “there’s no need to shout. None of us is deaf,” before remembering that actually…there was a kid in the class who was hard of hearing.

    17. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      About a decade ago, I went with my long-term BF (at the time) to his grandfather’s funeral. It was a complicated trip, in that we were going first to the UK to collect his parents, and then all 4 taking an overnight ferry to Germany to get to the actual service. It was my first time meeting his folks. So we’re all jammed into this tiny cabin together. There are, as I’ve mentioned already, 4 people on this trip, the room is the size of a largish closet, and there are exactly 4 bunks. If you are inside the room, and you can’t see one of the other 4 people, it means that either they have left the room entirely, or else they are occupying the size-of-a-refrigerator bathroom. To this day, I do not know how I managed not to realize that my BF’s mom was in the bathroom until I strongly, confidently flung the door open (WHY didn’t the latch hold???) on her. My vision actually shut down out of pure distress so I didn’t see anything, but try explaining that to someone in a way that actually makes anyone feel better about it! And she was so obviously embarrassed but also so NICE about it which just made it worse! Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh, I still want to go live on the bottom of the ocean when I think about it.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I have heard black cats are particularly hard to get good photos of – good job on this one!!

      1. MEH Squared*

        I have a black cat and have such a hard time getting a good pic of him. I’m envious of Alison’s ability to take a terrific shot like this.

    3. Kittee*

      Alison, you need to do one of those one-a-day tear-off calendars. Each day would have one of your kitty photos, and an AAM-related quote or note. Such as: “I Quit in Cod!” “I Read AAM and All I Got Was a Fabulous Job!” (Actually that would make a good t-shirt.) “Cheap-ass rolls rock.” Etc.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Love this idea! Or even one a wall one with twelve pictures of the cats where I could write appointments in it. I’d buy either.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I’d love one of these.

          We took a lot of photos of my parents’ two cats for as long as they lived, and we selected photos and got wall calendars made every year as a Christmas present, starting when they were kittens (my maternal aunt found a feral kitten and gave her a home, then she got into heat and ran away from home for long enough to get pregnant just as my aunt thought it was time to get her spayed, and my parents adopted two out of five kittens).

  5. RosyGlasses*

    Ideas for reframing your mental perspectives on movement and nourishing food choices?

    I’m having a really hard time. A few years past 40 and definitely peri menopause (I only have ovaries left after surgery a couple years ago) and the weight will.not.budge. I love food and sugars.

    I’m lifting weights for about 30 min 4-5 days a week with a YouTube program and walking 3 miles 3-4 times a week (will do more when it’s not so unbearably hot). I know logistically that muscle weighs more than fat and I can’t undo 20 years of mostly sedentary living in a month but my brain keeps telling me to give up.

    I’m trying to focus on the fact that I feel better and stronger – but any tips for tricking your brain into focusing on those positives instead of being discouraged? It’s hard knowing logically all the things but still drifting towards my couch and Netflix/ books instead of taking time to move and feed my body with non processed junk food.

    1. Harriet Jacobs*

      Be proud of everything your body can do – walk, lift weights, get you through your day. Stay off social media! Watch shows like Rutherford Falls that show non-skinny women who have active love lives.
      And I know that this is not what you are asking for, but consider talking with an endocrinologist. First, she confirmed that my muscle mass was higher than average and she praised me for that.
      Secondly, after years of being unable to lose weight the endocrinologist put me on an appetite suppressant and it has changed my life! Last November I was able to walk past all the post-Halloween sale candy.
      Good luck in your journey.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Thank you! Yes I think I need to have a daily mantra about appreciating what my body can do. I do think I’m due for annual blood work to see what is happening with mineral, hormone levels and to rule out there isn’t anything else lurking.

        1. TPS reporter*

          I just got a blood test and found I have iron and b12 deficiencies that are making me feeling tired and unmotivated. I already have more pep and drive to work out and eat better after getting some supplements

      2. MassChick*

        May I ask how she gauged that? Was it a visual inspection or some sort of test/measurement ?

        1. JSPA*

          I’ve had it done with bioimpedence for a study. Not very accurate, frankly, but they just needed a cutoff value to ensure the study was safe for all participants (and it was a study where hydrophobic tissue behaves differently in response to the treatment than aqueous tissues do, both in terms of blood supply and diffusion).

    2. Melody Pond*

      Personally, I’d stop using a scale altogether. Isn’t it measuring the wrong thing? Could you have a doctor (or whatever is the appropriate professional) measure more meaningful metrics like your cardiovascular health, blood sugar levels, and body fat percentage? I know it would probably mean getting that feedback less frequently, but that still seems more useful than relying on a deceptive and oversimplified metric like weight.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep, I don’t weigh myself ever, but I have a general sense of how I’m doing by how my clothes fit. That’s my only standard since in my experience you can’t even see the difference in a few pounds in the mirror. I think if you’re trying to do a “lifetstyle change” where you eat more healthy foods and exercise – which you are! Which is great! – then tracking each pound is counterproductive.

    3. NeutralJanet*

      I made a lot of changes when I started focusing on eating good healthy foods that I like, rather than focusing on all the foods that I was trying to cut back on. It’s a very small change, but putting a positive spin feels better for me. I also trick myself into exercising by having TV shows that I only allow to watch while I’m on the treadmill. I usually don’t run particularly fast, I’ll do about four miles in an hour, but I’m able to get myself to do it consistently with the lure of the next episode.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        That’s a good idea – reframing toward looking forward to the healthy stuff I really enjoy instead of grumping about what I should avoid. I do have a podcast I like to listen to when I walk – again it’s focusing on that positive thing! Thank you.

        1. mreasy*

          Having a podcast or audiobook that’s “only for walks” has also been a motivator for me for sure.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yeah!! I don’t believe in diet culture or viewing bodies critically, but I *do* know I need to eat better foods and get more exercise, so I focus on resolutions like “eat a whole fruit every afternoon” or “make a vegetarian meal three nights a week” – NOT on what I can’t eat.

    4. AZ*

      Set some fitness goals! Do you want to do a 10k? A triathlon? Run a mile in X minutes?Deadlift or squat a certain weight? Complete X number of pushups? Pullups?

      Setting goals kept me working out until working out became a treasured habit. I started with Couch to 5k and progressed to a half marathon.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Yeah for now it’s just focusing on wanting to be able to walk long distances without being sore or tired (think future trips to Europe or random hikes we might do) but nothing super solid. I think I’m worried if I set a specific goal then when it’s over I’ll be more inclined to go back to my old habits?

        1. JSPA*

          “feeling free to do whatever the heck I feel like, without worrying whether I can do it” is open ended

    5. kina lillet*

      I’m sorry you’re having a hard time!

      I’ll note a few things that have really helped me:

      -Lost the scale. Don’t know how much I weigh
      -My clothes fit me as I am
      -On social media followed some blogs etc that post gorgeous photos of fat people—it can sometimes help to exert your well wishes outward if you don’t feel ready to exert them inward
      -Found a movement I actually enjoy. I did youtube videos a lot but realized I really hated them—I actually love yoga and powerlifting. Those probably aren’t yours but something may be out there for you even if it doesn’t feel like exercise
      -The most important one was to enjoy the sensuality of my body—not sex though that’s nice. But the sensual joy of eating when you’re hungry, until you’re full; feet feeling the cracks in the sidewalk & road paint when your soles are thin; flexing my arms for myself in the mirror; with my hand, feeling my oblique muscles keep me steady as I hold a plank.

      Tangent alert, but Marie Howe’s beautiful poem What The Living Do ends with a few lines where the narrator catches a glimpse of her reflection in a window, and says, “I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep / for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless.” The poem is certainly more about grief than about self love, and not really intended here to be inspirational I suppose, but that care and love I’ve always aspired to. And it’s my favorite poem :)

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I love all of this! Yes I love finding new social accounts that are more representative of my shape (Caralyn Mirand is one) and weightlifting is my jam mostly (Caroline Girvan) for YouTube but you’re right- a lot of this is just finding a new perspective.

      2. mreasy*

        The enjoyable movement thing is SUCH a good point. I was so tired of running but I love yoga, climbing, and walking, so I focus on those. It makes getting out of bed early to work our way easier, even if it isn’t like the “optimized” workout.

    6. Anonymous Koala*

      I like focusing on what I can add instead of what I have to restrict. For example, I always aim to eat at least half a plate of vegetables at the beginning of every meal. I still eat junk pretty often, but starting with veggies helps me eat less junk food and still feel full and enjoy my food. I also try to incorporate protein and fat every time I eat – even if it’s something super easy like Greek yogurt or turkey jerky. I’ve eaten some weird meals/snacks with this method but it seems to work.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Yes! The protein/fat/carb balance each meal helps me too. I agree – looking at the positive spin vs the negative is really what I need to do.

    7. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I don’t lift, but is 4-5 times an appropriate number of times in a week, especially for a beginner? I was under the impression that weights were one of the skills where good rest for your muscles to grow was important. (Totally ignore me if you are working different muscle group on different days.)

      What motivates you, generally? I find unbroken streaks pretty compelling myself-I’ve been hiking every single week since October (minus one for Covid), and it’s gotten me out the door when I really don’t wanna.

      I also find time sensitive goals compelling. When I had a vacation where I was going to do a lot of hiking, I took a lot of long walks. When the vacation was over, *poof*, walks stopped. No goal meant there was no reason I couldn’t just walk tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. Can you sign up for a run/walk or something of that nature?

      Does data make you happy? I have a nice log of my mileage since January and I like being able to write in a new record, or even a 5th best.

      Is there another form of exercise that you enjoy more? Hiking, dancing, swimming? Canoeing, yoga, rock climbing, aerial silks? Do you have a friend or a dog to go with you?

      Nice weather really does make outdoor exercise more pleasant, BTW, if you can keep going that long. And it’s even more glorious after pushing though. The first warm day this spring was so GLORIOUS. Also, you really do acclimate. Believe me, I sweat a whole lot less now than the first hot day, even though the temperature is warmer.

      And yeah, it really does take months. I thought I was in pretty good shape long about January, and I wasn’t bad, but I have seen consistent improvement in how long I can go, how fast I can push, and how good I feel afterwards in the months since. Plan on being much better around Christmas, and plan on being really impressed with yourself around this time next year.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Also, I hesitate to say this because it’s sort of discouraging, but also sort of encouraging in a weird way. And also it’s something I just realized it this year but it seems completely obvious in retrospect.

        Athletic excellence requires the ability to endure pain.

        The marathoner going into the last mile trying for a personal best? He’s hurting. His legs are burning and he has a wicked stitch in his side and sweat is getting in his eyes. Same with the high school track runner, same with the 5k biker, same with the Olympic swimmer. (Ok, she doesn’t have sweat in her eyes, But her googles have probably filled with water.)

        Our bodies tell us “Stop! You’re pushing too hard! We can’t do this!” way, way before we hit our physical limits. Think of the most tired you’ve ever been. How fast could you run if an angry bear showed up? Maybe not as fast as if you were fresh, but I bet you’d find an amazing burst of speed. Our minds slow us down way before our physical capacity is used up. If you want to excel, you have to push past that.

        Now, I frankly don’t care that much about excelling, and it sound like you don’t either. I like to enjoy my hikes, and stop to enjoy a lovely view and I don’t really like feeling my legs burn. But I also find it weirdly freeing to realize that discomfort isn’t something going wrong, it’s just pushing my limits.

        Book rec for a fascinating book about pushing human limits, both the people who do it and the science that studies it: Endure by Alex Hutchinson.

        1. RosyGlasses*

          I’ll have to check the book out! Thank you for your thoughts – all good things to consider. I’m not a beginner at weights – just lapsed – but I’m following a program so we’re all good on that front. It’s about the only activity outside of walking and yoga that I enjoy :)

          1. Lady Alys*

            What program do you use? I’ve been going to a gym for a year but can’t justify the cost given all the weights I have in the garage so I need to start up again. Was using Stronglifts 5×5 back in the day, do you have a recommendation for a program you’ve had success with?

            1. RosyGlasses*

              I really like Caroline Girvan so far. I’ve done her beginner EPIC to get me back in the swing of things and am working my way thru Fuel. You only really need dumbbells and maybe a stretch band, the rest is body weight movement and she doesn’t talk during the course which is nice (I hate peppy workout talk). I’ve also used the Sweat app in the past but I prefer free this time around :)

              1. Silence is golden*

                Thank you for the Girvan rec. I too hate peppy workout talk. I just did a Girvan video and it was wonderful to hear no banter. I love Mady Morrison’s stretching vids for this same reason.

        2. allathian*

          “Athletic excellence requires the ability to endure pain.” So true, and the reason why I’ll never excel at anything athletic, I have a very low pain threshold.

      2. RosyGlasses*

        Also – thank you for the encouragement — thinking about how good I will feel at the end of the year and seeing that as a win no matter what the scale or measuring tape says will be a good way to look forward to something.

    8. Ne'mousse*

      A couple thoughts which may or may not work for you.

      First – it is amazing how much our bodies react to sugar/processed foods – its like crack. My advice is to get as much of this out of the house as possible and find a few meals that are easy, low calorie, natural and filling, that you enjoy. For me that looks like overnight oats in the morning, salads with tons of veggies/avocado/hard boiled egg/legumes/beans for lunch &/or dinner, and something like grilled fish & veggies to mix it up (maybe cooked with just a little bit of olive oil & spices but healthy). Get natural things you really like as snacks – fresh dates, summer fruits, iced coffee, lime water, whatever you enjoy.

      Second – you say it is hot – do you have a pool? A pool where you can say, listen to music, view some bird activity, or read outside? I find this is a great way to do something better than other choices even if I resort to doing laps on a floatie. If you don’t have a pool – what activity can be swapped for Netflix & mac y queso? If I have a to-do list I’m less likely to resort to the sofa.

      Third – find out what works well for your body. I can do mini floor workouts daily, swim for hours or take pilates classes up the wazoo – but until I do some clean me up off the floor level workouts I won’t lose an ounce. It gets old sometimes, and it is nice to know I’m strong and healthy with the low impact stuff, but if I find I can’t fit into my pants anymore I know what it is going to take to get back there. Be okay with what your body tells you – sometimes its rest and food.

      Finally – allow yourself “cheats” or things you enjoy, and if you can make your “cheats” healthy all the better. A small glass of wine with dinner, a day where you slack on your workout or your workout turns into watching whatever the lizards are up to, an incredible cheese board (with lots of good veggies – you won’t even miss the carbs! okay so I snuck a few baguette slices). The more you stick with your healthy choices the more they become the baseline you crave instead of inactivity or processed food.

      Oh – a P.S. – have you considered a skinny shot? It is basically a once a week shot that is supposed to improve metabolism, reduce appetite & give energy. All natural, has a bunch of vitamins and 4 weeks is usually around $75. I can’t say if mine actually helped (I did feel like I wasn’t as tired as before), but I figured for $75 if it motivates me great, worst case I just bought a bunch of vitamins which I probably needed anyway. We all have our motivation, finding yours is the key. Keep at it – rooting for you!

      Good luck!!

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Oh I’ll check out the skinny shot – if nothing else to infuse with some good vitamins. Good recommendations – especially the realization that I actually have to sweat to see progress and that just needs to be the thing I know to do instead of trying to find ways around it. Thank you!

    9. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Did you show up and do something exercisey? if so, YAY! It was a game changer for me to reframe any sort of exercise as numbers of times I showed up rather than any other sort of metric. I was getting really frustrated with my variation in capabilities from one day or week to another–because I slept badly or was stressed or couldn’t push myself that day as much as the day before. So, instead, I rewarded myself for showing up.

      I set goals for how many times I do something exercisey in a week, or how many weeks I make it through or how many months. You’ve been consistent for a month! How great! Keep going! Soon you’ll have TWO months! That is way more exercise than the months before, you’re automatically healthier by doing more than you did.

      The show-up method also made it easier for me to get back on the bandwagon when I would fall off. Because of course I did. So, last week I didn’t do anything, I bet I can beat that this week! And so on. Good luck!

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I love that – not beating myself up if I don’t do a prescribed “idea” of what an exercise should be.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Yes! And it helped, too, if I had to change the exercise: if I had an injury that prevented me from doing exercise X, it didn’t matter because I would do a something else. Or even physical therapy exercises, if need be.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Yeah, remember — anything can be exercise. Walking to do an errand or around the store, housework, etc!

      2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

        I love this! Thank you! And thank you Rosy for starting this thread – I’m 47, between menopause & working from home since 2020 I am both rounder & less fit than I would like, am trying to make changes in exactly the way you (& commenters on this thread) are outlining. So helpful & smart <3

    10. Goose*

      I struggle with this myself. I have been working on “body neutrality” as opposed to “body positively” as many days that seems like a reach and I don’t feel like I need to love my body. Sometimes it’s annoying! And it can only do so much! It holds my organs pretty well.

      I have had to reframe “working out” and “eating healthy” under the guise of “what if I do everything right and my body still looms exactly the same?” And if so, can you be okay with that?

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Yeah this is probably where I’m at too – I may never lose this extra weight I’ve packed on over the years but as long as my body is healthy and strong within that context that is better than thin and sickly due to habits.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Think about investing in a bank account of heart health, mobility, brain health, and bone density. Your day to day “operating expenses” are going to increase in the next few years, and will go up faster and faster over time.

      The more you invest now, the more you can afford those inevitable withdrawals later on. You can live richly in ten or fifteen years, or you can feel depleted and see your choices becoming limited sooner than they need to be.

      Every time you move, drink water, and sleep, and everytime you choose nutritional density over caloric density, that’s another deposit in your “retirement account “

      2. RosyGlasses*

        This is a great analogy – I think I’m going to journal this whole thread for future reference when I’m feeling down.

      3. Kay*

        Oh so much this.

        I’m in need of losing a few, got out of shape and its soooo much harder to get back there (I’ve resigned to the possibility I may never be able to)! I keep telling myself I can’t ever let this slide again – it has been eye opening spending time in physical therapy watching all the people who are there. I don’t want to be these people a few years down the road! They are struggling to move while I know I want to be able to go hiking, kayaking or heck – just jog up the stairs.

        I so regret not keeping up with my health, but one way to think about staying on track is to think about all the things you want to be able to do in years to come. Now is always a great time to do some investing in your future self.

    12. A.N O’Nyme*

      I agree with getting rid of the scale or maybe getting one that also measure your percentage of fat and muscle. I did the test ones: weighed myself before and after a few weeks of very physical work. My weight remained roughly the same (I lost maybe 200 grams or so) but I did exchange 20% fat for 10% muscle.

      Also you probably already know this but ignore BMI. It was intended for populations, not individual people, and moreover is based on measurements of 19th century young French men who were just entering university. The women’s BMI scale was created without measuring a single woman. According to BMI people like Chris Hemsworth would be obese.

      Also, allow yourself to take it slow. It’s not a race, and doing this too fast can also be unhealthy. Figure out a routine that you can keep up.

      Don’t fall into the trap of “well I ate one chocolate muffin so the entire day is ruined anyway I’ll take a cheat day”. One chocolate muffin isn’t going to ruin anything. If you feel like having one, have one (or maybe use it as a reward) and don’t get the light version unless that is what you crave – it’s unlikely you’ll find that fulfilling so you’ll be more tempted to have two. As long as you’re eating healthy according to the needs of your body (not everyone has the same nutritional needs), having an unhealthy treat every once in a while isn’t going to ruin anything as long as you can keep it as a treat and not slip back into unhealthy habits.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Thank you for that! Yes – that has been a hard reframing (grrr diet culture) that if I have a “bad” food then I have tanked the day. Really trying hard to focus on small choices over time – but instant gratification culture is hard to push thru sometimes.

        1. Westsidestory*

          Getting all that stuff out of the house is the only thing that works for me. When Mr Westside brings home Philly soft pretzels, cookies and snack cakes, I have him put it in a bag and tuck it somewhere where I can’t see or reach it.

          1. Westsidestory*

            And I try to pretend the sweets of the outside world are imaginary, not real. (Yes we have to trick the mind). Some sweets now and then which are on my current eating plan;
            – diet orange soda in skim milk
            – sugar free instant chocolate pudding
            – fat free yogurt with fruit, some honey and almonds

    13. MassChick*

      I have an autoimmune condition and am the caregiver for my mother (obese, crippled by arthritis and also has dementia) and I want my later life to be better than hers health-wise. That is the long term motivation.
      Having short term or even daily goals that you can check off is helpful. Halving, then quartering the sugar in beverages, daily movement goals, weekly exercise goals. Appreciate the improvements in your body and use these as measures rather than the scales – more weight lifted, more reps, longer or faster walks, etc.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This was the clincher for me.

        As soon as I took it off how I looked and how “fat I was” and refocused on how my body feels today, doors flew open.
        Reality is that even at my skinniest I will never qualify for Miss America. I am an average looking person, period. I had to stop hoping for something better. I had to realize that there are advantages to being average looking. I blend well, I don’t get a lot of unwanted attention based on how I look. And other positive points came to mind, I made peace with the idea that this is me.

        Next step. A food can stay in our system for days. I noticed how crappy I felt after having a Diet Coke. And I felt crappy for days after. It became so much easier to just stop drinking it. I did walk down from it- every other day, then every few days then once a week, then once a month. At the once a month stage I was more aware of how crappy I felt and less aware of how much I enjoyed the diet Coke. And that habit was gone in that moment.

        I stopped having headaches. I stopped having mood swings. I liked me better. I often wonder how many people blame their weight when there is so much else going on but some how weight becomes the magic bullet that will solve everything. I noticed some foods made me tired, irritable, I was not doing my fullest each day. (Thanks, milk allergy.)

        I so agree that thinking about what my future will look like helped me to make changes now. I want to remain independent and living on my own for as long as I can in old age. So now is the time to change course.

        I keep seeing that what we eat is 80% of health. I now understand why that could be. I still make some unwise food choices, but no where near what I was doing. And I do tell myself that after I eat a regular meal I can get a cookie or whatever- but I found over the years I tell myself that less and less. And that is because I am full. A body with good nutrition is satisfied and the brain does not think of cookies as much.

        Last thing. Watermelons are still good this time of year. When I started this, I always had a watermelon in the house for when I wanted something sweet. (Over time, this need for watermelon also passed, but it helped to get me launched.)

        1. RosyGlasses*

          Watermelon! I do need to bring the gorgeous summer fruit into my world. I think I’ve done so many eating plans over the years that poo-poo fruit but it is such a great way to get that sweet fix and still be eating non-processed foods. Plus hydrating in the drying months :D

          1. allathian*

            Yes, and there’s also some fiber in fruit (plant cell walls), even if it isn’t specifically advertised as rich in fiber.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I have a book about Eastern diet. Their recommendation is to eat fruit away from meals. So perfect- it’s a snack when you want something sweet anyway.

            Yes, watermelon does keep the body “working”. Which is also a benefit.

    14. Elf*

      I see a lot of advice to lose the scale and focus entirely on other things, and that might well be the best advice for you. However, one thing you could also try is doing a bunch of body measurements weekly (circumference of upper and lower arms and legs, waist hips, lower abdomen, bra band, bust) because you are very likely to see more/steadier change in those than in your weight. You might see your arms get bigger as you build muscle or you might see them get smaller as you tone and lose fat, but you will probably see change and trends and it might help you.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Thank you – yes I need to focus more on that measurement than the scale because it’s more indicative of tone. I think we are just so conditioned to look at weight as an indicator of progress that it’s hard to shift that mindset.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I lost 3 sizes. Fortunately the doc explained this before hand otherwise I would have been confused- I had only lost 4 pounds. Muscle weighs more. The company nurse made me jump on the scale- because I had lost so much weight. She was baffled to find I weighed just over 150 pounds. “Where is it?”, she said. I started laughing.

          1. ThatGirl*

            This is me being a little pedantic, but no, muscle doesn’t “weigh more” – a pound is a pound, whether it’s muscle or fat. Muscle is denser than fat and takes up less space. And yes, I know “muscle weighs more” is shorthand for that idea but it bugs me. Sorry, rant over,

            1. Bob-White of the Glen*

              A square inch of muscle weighs more than a square inch of fat. The saying is correct, people are just looking at different measurements (i.e. weight instead of density.)

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          And maybe in conjunction with that, go clothes shopping and get something that looks great on you now and then? Don’t focus on the size too much, but you may well see that you are a smaller size every so often.

    15. Gravity*

      Move over, I’m in the same boat! For exercise, I do best when I have a partner. I’ll arrange with a friend for us to meet up at yoga, or I’ll walk around the neighborhood with my spouse.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        yeah – my partner has a fairly physical job (and is also not at a healthy proportion for his body needs) so it’s hard to get him involved; but I do have a friend that we try to text each other regularly to encourage movement. I need to lean into that more and stop trying to do everything myself. Thank you!

    16. mreasy*

      It’s so tough, I’m the same age and have always been relatively slim but the 15 lbs I’ve acquired over the past few years really don’t seem interested in going anywhere. Thanks for asking this question, I can definitely use the advice too! (And I’m right there with you in that peri life, argh!)

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I think the trigger for me is I’ve been carrying an extra 20 lbs for the past 10 years, and all of a sudden the last 4-6 months I’ve spiked up 10 lbs to the heaviest I’ve ever been. Definitely will be looking into ruling out medical reasons, but there is that underlying frustration of “I’m doing the right things, why does the scale keep going up!”).

    17. TPS reporter*

      I highly recommend the Maintenance Phase podcast for those long walks. It makes you see how much b.s. is out there in the diet/fitness world and how ultimately there is no magic bullet. Releasing yourself from shame around fat (yes that sounds impossible but you can chip away) is such a game changer.

      1. Nicosloanican*

        Yeah this is weird but – we are way too hard on people with bodies that are bigger than we want and we mostly just use “health” as a weird way to target those people. I’m from a thin family and am naturally slim (so far) but I really struggle to eat well – I’m addicted to sweets and some days barely eat anything high quality – and although I used to get some cardio workouts I’m mainly down to walking now. This is not healthy. My weight has at times dipped too low because I don’t eat much and drink too much. I have friends in the same boat who are bad smokers. But literally nobody every gives me crap about it, and if I ever say anything about “trying to eat better” people think I’m nuts and actively try to give me cookies – just because I happen to be thin and our society likes thin bodies. If you eat healthy veggies and work out, don’t smoke, and limit your drinking, you are definitely healthier than me even if you feel like that extra 15 pounds from menopause makes you too large.

        1. NeonFireworks*

          This. I ate badly for years but got only compliments about how skinny I was. If it were about health (rather than fatphobia), I would have received that awful disapproval and abuse. I got none of it.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Exactly this. I eat terribly. Most of my diet is milkshakes. But I’m also underweight due to an autoimmune disease which is destroying my intestines, so no one cares. When I do get comments, it’s (drumroll) dire warnings that I will get fat.

          2. AGD*

            Me too. My health improved radically after I started eating better, but it was all compliments before and all compliments after. People ask me how I stay thin, and I say that actually I have a complicated endocrinological disorder that usually makes people overweight but in my case I randomly beat the odds. I say this very brightly and make people a bit uncomfortable, which is fine with me.

      3. AnonAcademic*

        Yes! This podcast is so much fun to listen to. I often save it up as a “reward” to listen to during chores!

    18. Ochre*

      I’m early 40s and swore I wouldn’t go to a gym. But then I got older and more things were hurting and then I got really de-conditoned after having covid…and I could see that I needed to get moving or it wasn’t going to get better.

      Overall, my mantras have been “keep moving” and “something is better than nothing.” I also enjoy that the gym I go to has people everywhere on the spectrum: serious lifters, lots of retirees, college-age athletes in team gear, people who pound out miles on the treadmill and others who slowly walk half a mile. We’re all just trying to keep moving! I’ve actually gained a little weight (muscle, I hope), but my real goal is maximizing my chances of remaining comfortable and independent for as long as possible.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Very important point here that is so easy to forget. It’s not an all or nothing thing. Some attempt gives us some benefit. More attempt gives more benefit. We can take the idea of doing everything perfectly all the time and toss it in the garbage can where it belongs.

        Just as we can’t have a perfectly clean house or a perfect yard, we also can’t have perfect health routines. And less than perfect for any of those things is okay, it still gives us benefits.

        1. RosyGlasses*

          So hard for a perfectionist to hear!! But yes – I agree; getting into the something is better than nothing. If I complete my stand circle and get halfway on movement circle on my watch – it’s better than nothing… even tho my brain wants to beat me up for not completing all three :)

    19. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

      One thing to remember is that we aren’t supposed to remain at our teenage/young adult weight forever. Weight changes over time.

    20. Tib*

      I’d focus on what you can do as a result of your work. After I’d been doing squats a while, I tried out one of those butterfly camp chairs that are very low to the ground. I was able to lower myself into the chair AND stand up without assistance because of my exercise. It was so gratifying. It’s been years and it’s still one of those moments I remember.

      I’d also give yourself permission to do the things you’re trying to avoid, like Netflix and junk food. Maybe schedule a regular treat time. You can plan for it, shop for it, anticipate it and revel in it when the day arrives. Treat these things like special occasions instead of just Tuesday.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Oh yes! I noticed I’m able to stand up from the floor without leaning to the side and using my hands – so good win! Squats are gold LOL.

        Also love the idea of leaning in to my “rest” time as a special treat instead of “ugh I’m so lazy”.

    21. slowlyaging*

      I did 2 things. I only weighed myself once a week. I also kept a spreadsheet …(complete with charts)… of what I ate and how many miles I hiked. I allowed all veg and fruit, 3 servings of meat, 1 serving of bread, 2 chocolates a day, no soda or junk food, one splurge meal a week. I also meal prepped on the weekend and discovered spices, lots of spices. The goal was the hiking and the healthy eating. The weight would go up and down.
      Find the positive thing like doing the reps well, the food(non junk) that makes you happy.
      If I can do it, you can totally do it. I have faith in you.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Thank you – yeah I am documenting things if only because I have a terrible sense of time (I can eat cake today, I have been SOO good for Soooo long — spoiler alert; it’s been only four days :-) ). I think I need to focus back on adding in how I feel after eating whole foods and focusing on feeling good vs icky and balancing that in the eating department. Slow and steady I suppose!

    22. Despachito*

      First of all – what is it exactly you want to achieve?

      I understand it is to lose weight, and if so, I’d say 80% of it is food, and only 20 % exercise. I lost approximately 18 kgs in 6 months mostly by changing my diet because I was pretty sedentary then. So I think if you want to lose weight you must look into what you consume.

      Second – it is great you exercise! You are building muscle, and muscle basically “eats” more calories than fat.

      The key for the whole thing is – whatever you do exercise- or food-wise must be a pleasant experience for you, because you are aiming for a lifelong change, not a transitory thing you will give up with relief after you achieve your desired aim . I do not exercise much but I found out I like taking long walks and cycling, so that became my version of exercise. Do you really like lifting weights/walking? You sound not so sure about that, so is there any other physical activity you would enjoy more?

      Re food: you can positively “unlearn” eating sugars, and if you do, you will probably find things like fruit sweet enough, and dried fruit almost too sweet. But it takes some time. I was told that if you introduce a change in you life and endure it for 25 days it is likely to stick. And it should be one little step in time rather than a huge change, because it is much more easier.

      Other useful things I learned during my weight loss (with our local chapter of an organization similar to Weightwatchers:

      – it is helpful to write down everything you put in your mouth, and introduce it into some program which will count your calories for you
      – you do not have to give up your little pleasures, just be careful of the amount and calculate it into your eating programme
      – if you exceed your plan, it is not the end of it, the worst thing (which I used to do frequently before I knew better) is to think “now I ate the muffin, so I ruined everything, I am going to stuff my face with anything I see and start over tomorrow/on Monday. This was basically why I ended up weighing 100 kgs. The right thing is “OK, I am going to eat the muffin and enjoy it to the fullest, and nothing happens because I will either include it in my food for that day (meaning e.g. I will have it instead of one meal rather than on top of it), or consider it a part of the 80/20 rule (i.e. if you are “behaving” 80% of the time, you can permit yourself to exceed your limits 20% of the time and still stay on track)
      – if you are losing weight, it helps to increase the proportion of proteins in your food and be careful about the right combination of proteins/carbs/fats in each meal (if you eat just carbs (e.g. bread) you will be hungry much sooner than if you eat carbs combined with proteins.
      – you must find versions of “healthy” food you will look forward to and would be able to eat permanently, not just as a “diet”

      The above are not meant as medical advice as I am not a professional, and if you have the possibility, it would help to consult it with one. It is just some tips that worked for me.

    23. Girasol*

      Unless your doctor says (and maybe even if he does) weight is not necessarily a bad thing. When I broke a foot bone the doc said it was because I don’t weigh much. When I get a bone density scan the radiologist says my bones aren’t normally dense because I don’t weigh much. Well I do so weigh much! I was overweight, often dieting my way back to high-normal only to have my weight balloon again. So I decided a few years back, around your age, that I would celebrate how the weight I’d been trying to lose was saving my bones. I thought about how I was heading toward the age of weight peak when gaining stops being a problem and losing too much becomes a risk. Once I got over the weight guilt habit, my yo-yoing weight stabilized (as measured by how the same jeans have fit well for years now), my eating habits improved, sugar no longer holds as much attraction, and I do fun exercise because it feels good. It was that “You’re not thin enough!” guilt that had been messing with my health habits for years, pushing me to miserable dieting, painful exercise levels, and sugar laden rebounds. You’re at a good age to try accepting your weight for awhile to see what happens.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Thank you! Yes – I have been working on that accepting focus. I think what has spiked my anxiety is I’ve packed on another 10 lbs above where I’ve been for the past 10-15 and I no longer fit in my clothes, I feel “blegh” and my joints hurt from the added weight. But I think one thing that has stuck out from this thread is continuing to focus on how strong I’m becoming through my exercise and focusing on those longer term goals of just being able to move when I’m 70 or 80 without issues.

    25. SofiaDeo*

      I read somewhere that it takes a solid 4 weeks before you taste buds acclimate to new foods. For me, it was more like 4 months. I just resigned myself to “eating because it was time to put nourishment inside” and tried to find other things for “enjoyment” besides food. And putting exercise equipment in the TV room plus making myself get on it during commercials was a somewhat easy start. I gradually got to pedaling while the show was on/jumping off to do part of a chore (laundry, tidying kitchen or bath, etc) during commercials. At some point the endorphin rush from exercise will kick in very quickly, and you will look forward to exercising. But until then, this might help a bit.

    26. Susan banana cake*

      First time commenter specifically for this (recovered eating disorder).

      Your body is beautiful and perfect exactly as it is. Anything that allows you to measure or weigh it – chuck it out.

      Your body is a tool that allows you to do amazing stuff. I run marathons and do triathlons now. I’ll never think about how much I weigh or if I wobble again, because my body is the machine that gets me to the end of the course. Love that you lift weights. Suggest you target an amount to deadlift or bench and focus on that. Enter events, join a community of cross fitters and focus on what you can use your body to do, not what it looks like.

      Love and peace to you x

      1. Westsidestory*

        Agree on walking. Briskly. After about 20 minutes the endorphins kick in. When I had the time to walk one mile every morning I was in the best shape of my life, and this was after the menaupause.

        My struggle now is I don’t have a really nice walk close to where I live now. I have to weave through some pretty scary city blocks so this isn’t the joy it once was…

    28. Dancing Otter*

      You already know muscle is denser than fat. So, as you burn fat and build muscle, the scale won’t show that. Have you measured yourself? XXX pounds of lean mass almost HAS to measure smaller than the same weight of flab, right? What does your mirror tell you? Do you have a “before” picture to compare?

      I’ve plateau’ed lately, myself, only losing five pounds in six weeks, so I can’t offer a magic “fix.” One thing that is *not* motivating, though, is wearing last year’s clothes a size or two bigger than I need. For fall, I intend to buy new, just a little snug instead of baggy. (One size, not anything crazy.) Then, when I feel my waistband digging in, it’s going to be a lot easier to reach for the celery or an apple, instead of the bread or crackers. And all my 3X summer dresses are getting packed off to a thrift shop.

    29. VegetarianRaccoon*

      I’m glad you asked this question, I’m really enjoying reading the answers! I’m late 30s and trying to ‘come back’ to something healthier after years of no exercise and junk food.

    30. kiki*

      For me, what helped me most was making movement the first thing I do in the morning, every morning, as soon as I wake up. Now it’s a second-nature habit instead of something I need to think about and can discourage myself from. It also means I am free for book binges and other more sedentary activities in the evening if I want to do them. But sometimes I feel like moving early in the day jumpstarts my motivation to move in the evening, so I find myself excited to move purely for pleasure (biking, walking, yoga) after dinner.

    31. NewGrad*

      Going to sound a little like an ad but the Noom app has worked wonders for me. It’s focused on being able to eat everything in moderation and learning other ways to help lose weight outside of the main calorie restriction.

    32. HalloQueen*

      In Dec 2020, my doc called with my annual bloodwork and said my body was in trouble. Like, wanted to prescribe lots of new meds, including injectibles, trouble, and I needed to lose weight to try to help everything. I found a book called “Eat Fat, Get Thin” by Dr Mark Hyman – he founded the Center for Functional Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, so I figured he had to know a little something. The short version is, the processed junk, carbs, and sugar are addictive and make us fat and sick, but we struggle to give them up because they’re engineered to be addictive. Humans actually evolved to use fat as fuel, and figuring I didn’t have anything to lose (literally), I gave his method a try. I lost 65 pounds in 10 months, my doc was thrilled, my bloodwork was excellent, and I’ve kept the weight off for almost a year now (give/take 5 pounds back and forth). I used to hate veggies, but once I stopped eating the junk, I actually started liking them (it also doesn’t hurt that you start the eating plan by drowning everything in delicious butter, coconut oil, etc). I still love food, but it’s different now, and it’s SO freeing to know I can have a few bites of real ice cream and be able to stop, because my whole body has changed. If you want more info, feel free to reach out – it just takes a little dedication to stick to it until you see results, and I love to pay it forward!

  6. Harriet Jacobs*

    Cat folk – any advice for stopping a cat from continually licking his paw until it bleeds? Our 5 year old cat cut his paw over a year ago and every time a scab forms he licks it off. At the moment our bedspead is covered in bloody paw prints.
    The vet has recommended “soaking” his foot in Epsom salts but we haven’t seen any improvement. We’ve switched litter to lessen the chance that something will get caught in his paw and get infected.

    1. Cat and dog fosterer*

      It’s unpleasant for the cat, but I would get an ecollar. There are softer ones, like the Comfy Cone and a blue one with white edging, although the latter might be too flexible and allow for paw licking. I’ve had the Comfy Cone on cats for at least a month and they adapted. I have tried other options, treating with creams and something that doesn’t taste good, but none worked effectively.

    2. StellaBella*

      I was able to travel safely to see friends I had not seen in years, and to see the White Cliffs of Dover, the Isle of Wight, and the vampire bunny grotesque (like a gargoyle) of Newcastle (look it up on Atlas Obscura) plus some other cool things. I had not had a real vacation in over 4 years either so a week off to literally not think about work was amazing.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      Oh poor kitty :( I know for other compulsive over-licking you can put clothes on the cat, so at least they’re not damaging their skin. Would it work to put a baby sock over his paw until he heals? I mean, he’ll probably throw a fit, but maybe he’ll get used to it, especially if he’s used to you soaking his paw. I’m a little sus of the Epsom salts— that’s for debridement and doesn’t actually speed up healing. For wound care you’d want Vaseline. Is there another vet you could go to?

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Agreed with the comment that warm salt soaks are to address potential infection. Vaseline is good for covering wounds, but can be messy and track all over the home when on a paw and will also be groomed off pretty quickly, and if a lot of it coats the food then it prevents nutrient absorption.

        I’ve tried socks and bandages on paws and tails, without success, but maybe your cat will be more cooperative.

      2. mreasy*

        I think the sock will not stay on the cat. But it seems like the vet could shave the arm & bandage firmly until the scab heals and he stops licking? And some spare bandages for you to have at home in case kitty manages to remove it…which of course he will.

      3. the cat's ass*

        I had a cat who was a compulsive licker, to the point that she was bald in a few spots, despite lots of vet appointments (do you know there are veteranary allergists? For this cat, i found out). We put her in cute little preemie sweaters and she became sweater kitty! Covering the spot/making it difficult to get to all helped. I think the baby sock over the area is a great idea. (Ultimately we discovered she was allergic to redwood pollen and we live in the middle of a redwood grove. The vet tech fell in love with her and i think it was mutual, so when the tech went to vet school in a non-redwoody part of the world sweater kitty went with her and never licked again!)

      4. Purlesque*

        Manuka honey is great for healing wounds including on cats. The veterinary surgeon who operated on my dog recommended it for his wound care after he was bitten by another dog. You can buy it in a tube for medical use. It promotes healing as well as fights infection, including some MRSAs.

        I say get an ecollar or some other way to keep the cat from getting to the wound, apply Manuka honey and wrap with one of the self-adhering bandages someone else mentioned to cut down on sticky messiness. Don’t let the cat have licking access to until it is completely healed. Once it is healed, you can start taking the ecollar off while you are there to supervise and make sure the behavior isn’t continuing. Hopefully getting the wound healed takes care if it. If not, find another vet who is more willing to work with you on this.

    4. TPS reporter*

      My vet gave us some butter spray for a hot spot. When my cat licked it, it tasted horrible so she stayed away. Also a really cute soft collar isn’t too bad for awhile

    5. Cormorannt*

      I would try vet wrap over a sterile gauze pad and a kitty e-collar to keep kitty from chewing it off. Vet wrap is a kind of stretchy self-adhesive bandage. You can buy it on Chewy and probably brick-and-mortar places too.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      I rarely post to these pet medical advice questions, but I would kindly suggest you get a second opinion from a new vet. Epsom salts are something I used to use as an add-on for infections between the toes in dogs, in addition to the medication that was really working. There’s a missing piece of the puzzle here.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You’re going to have to physically prevent him from licking it. Cone of shame, bandages, etc. Paws are tough. I hope it heals up quickly once you can get him to leave it alone.

    8. Ellen Ripley*

      Ooo yeah I also recommend seeing a new vet. There is likely an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Vets have strong and weak areas of knowledge and this just might be something your current vet doesn’t know a lot about, but a different vet probably will understand better. Best of luck for your kitty, that sounds difficult to deal with :(

    9. JSPA*

      I used wormwood tea (incredibly bitter) on one cat who was licking his upper back leg raw; it worked too well, and he hasn’t even cleaned his own butt since that day. (I give him a sympathy wipe daily, or more often as needed, and chalk up the occasional kitty skid mark as being my own darn fault.)

      There’s disagreement about wormwood being truly safe for cats, plus I imagine you don’t want your cat to swear off of paw cleaning forevermore–so this is a cautionary tale about bittering agents, more than a suggestion.

      But yeah, it’s really bitter.

    10. Atomic Tangerine*

      I’m sorry, this sounds terribly frustrating. Have you had a conversation with the vet about whether this could be chronic pain? History of an injury and continuing to lick that same spot to the point of self-trauma sounds like there is still something going on in there.

  7. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I had a lovely lunch with a friend on Monday. And the plot bunnies are kinda breeding.

    Please share your joys, big or small.

    1. RosyGlasses*

      I went on a hike with my husband on Monday up on the mountain and we had a date night to see a comedian on Wednesday. After such a busy work year it was nice to have those some times together.

    2. Star Strucm*

      Took kids to national park at night. Showed them the milky way for the first time. They had never before seen a truly dark night sky (we hail from NY Metro area).

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I still remember sitting outside our inn in Oregon and discovering the Milky Way overhead.

        Latching onto this for anyone who finds themselves in the Flagstaff AZ area: The Lowell Observatory offers night tours with star gazing, which I highly recommend. They have multiple telescopes set up aimed at whatever is currently visible–ours had the full moon, Jupiter, and Saturn. Just as the Grand Canyon defies pictures of it, seeing the rings of Saturn, the Jovian moons, or our Moon’s craters “for real” rather than in a photograph is incredible.

      4. Overeducated*

        Wonderful. I can’t wait to do this in the fall, before it’s too cold, but when the sun sets early enough I can take the kids out to see the stars.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I pinned down my vacation dates in September and I’m looking forward to my solo camping retreat in the old-growth redwoods.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’ve done it before and it’s incredible to visit Redwood State and National Parks in an unlogged forest with trees that are up to 2,000 years old. The fall is the elk mating season and watching the bulls strutting and challenging each other is fascinating. The campground has an open meadow which is beautiful at night for looking up at the night sky, watching wildlife that moves in, listening to the owls. It is a truly magical place.

    4. Kiki is the Most*

      Love that you asked this.
      Headed to a gals beach weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday.
      Anticipating much ridiculousness

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I discovered that a small tree I bought on end-of-season clearance a couple years ago is actually a peach tree. Out of the trees that were left at the store, this one was supposed to grow tall enough to block a house behind us so we bought it and planted it next to the barn. Well, apparently it’s a peach tree. I’m sure I knew that at the time and just didn’t care what kind of tree it was, but had forgotten. My husband went outside the other day to look at the tree because the branches aren’t spreading, they’re growing straight up for some reason. While checking the branches, he found a lone peach. Although I hate peaches, I’m happy to have another fruit tree in the yard (I have four apple trees). Once it starts bearing more fruit in the coming years, I’ll just give it away.

    6. CTT*

      This is a big joy: I had a great annual review and closed two huge deals this week. After one of the deals closed, the client called to tell me how much they loved working with us.

    7. UKDancer*

      Lovely ballet class this morning. My teacher has been on holiday for a fortnight so I’m glad he’s back so classes can resume. I always feel so good afterwards.

      Also I had a hair cut yesterday which feels glorious because my hair is now tidy and lighter.

    8. Katie*

      My 7 year old daughter is disabled. Doesn’t walk or talk. She goes to school but in a class for special needs kids. However she goes to the after school program.
      One of the teachers told me that one of the boys has taken a liking to my daughter. He asked her name then ‘Why is she so pretty?’. I picked her up the other day and he ran up and said bye to her and stroked her face.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      **SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 6 of The Sandman on Netflix**
      (this won’t spoil the main storyline though)

      This episode followed two characters through a period of centuries, meeting every 100 years in the same British pub (I don’t know if it was real or just a set). On the next to last meeting, only one showed up, and the barkeep told him that the establishment was being torn down for a block of flats so he and his friend would have to find a new place. At the end, the other character was shown standing outside a different pub.

      IT WAS OUR PUB. The one my auntie and her best friend go to, the one she takes us to whenever we visit. I recognized it immediately! Then he went inside and sure enough, same curtains, bar, fireplace, everything. <3 I took a screenshot and blasted it all over social media like "No freakin waaaaaaay," lol.

      Also, just The Sandman in general. I haven't read it, but I loved the show.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Very cool about spotting your pub! My sister used to live in a Hudson Valley town that was very popular as a film-making location, and I’d often get updates as to which movies would flash a scene from their main street, park, school, etc.

    10. WellRed*

      I sat on the beach with coffee early this morning to get a nature hit before the day even starts.

    11. PsychNurse*

      I live in New England. It is freezing ass cold for most of the year, and then we have 95° days in summer. But this week was perfect, and the reason people vacation up here in the summer. It was in the low 80s with a gentle breeze.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re New England weather: same here. I remember when I first got my house (um, 40 years ago…) I’d only have to put on the air conditioning for a couple of weeks each summer, but in recent years the summers have been much hotter, and this year there have only been a couple of weeks when I *didn’t* have the A/C on…

    12. the cat's ass*

      Kid started 11th grade and it seems to be going okay!
      Crisis at work is slowly resolving in a good way!
      Got a pile of the last beefsteak tomatoes at the farmers market and they were stupendous!

    13. Girasol*

      Grapes! The ones on the Thompson Seedless vine are getting pink. (I know Thompsons are green in the store but mine prefer to be pink.) So I got out the homemade raisin dryer to start a batch, ate a bunch, gave a bunch to the neighbor, and am waiting to see how much the rest on the vine will pink up before the robins decide that the old CDs hung flashing in the arbor will not deter them. Until then it’s a delight to sit on the bench under the vines with all the grapes hanging down.

    14. Books and Cooks*

      The dreadful heat FINALLY broke!! And it’s early this year–the last few years we’ve had temps over 100 into late September at least. It’s kind of hilarious that we’re all walking around talking about how cool it is when it’s 93F, but still. I can step outside and not be bathed in sweat in under two minutes. (It’s been 104 – 109 here through June and July.) AND we’ve even gotten some rain, and are due for more!

      Also, every week when I put clean sheets on my bed, it is a delight. I love getting into a bed well made with fresh, clean sheets.

    15. small town*

      sounds odd but we finally involved Hospice for my mother. The help is going to keep my elderly father from keeling over and he now knows who to talk to to help. We are still there every day but the array of services is so useful and everyone is so kind.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Hospice makes such a difference. I’m glad you have this help. I wish you and your family the best on this journey.

    16. Llama face!*

      My government finally opened up second COVID boosters- just in time for my birthday! It was quick and easy and all I had side-effect-wise was a sore arm for a day and a half.

      Also, I was able to give plant cuttings to another houseplant lover which were from a plant (and that plant’s descendants) that I had grown from free cuttings a few years ago. It was a nice feeling to be able to pass along the gift.

    17. Firebird*

      When we transplanted my mom’s clematis plant into a pot, it dried out and turned brown. I just stuck it under the balcony bench and forgot about it. Lo and behold, there are two shoots coming up!

    18. Fulana del Tal*

      Won the Hamilton lottery and was seated orchestra row A. I’ve tried years to win and it was amazing.

    19. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I went through my canned goods collection and I only had 5 expired cans! And I just used up two of them already.

    20. allathian*

      We picked our two blackcurrant bushes clean on Saturday, and today we’re going to make blackcurrant juice concentrate and freeze it (no added sugar). This is going to be great for the winter months.

      My son’s started 7th grade and seems to be enjoying his new school so far.

    21. Madame Arcati*

      I went to a small local music festival yesterday. I saw Scouting for Girls (most popular in the UK in the noughties) who were just such fun, Billy Ocean who aged 72 has still got it, and between them probably my favourite of the night, Cast – a respected UK indie band (for Americans – think similar to Oasis which I think got to US shores? But without the drama and infighting) who were amazing, I was transported back to my late teens and sang along with gusto!
      I also saw many flower crowns, glitter face decoration, mad hats, and more sequins than in Strictly Ballroom! Also a woman (later spotted on stage) with a dreadlocked hairdo bedecked with flowers and actual antlers like a deer! So nice to see everyone having fun.

    22. Atomic Tangerine*

      I live next to a military airfield and the Blue Angels came last week for a show. They literally did the “sneak pass” maneuver right over my neighborhood. It brought out the kid in me!

    23. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      I finally went thru the 3 boxes of random crap sitting next to my bed for the past 2 months. It’s been stressing me out & making my bedroom an unenjoyable place to be. Now, I can actually get to the bathroom in the middle of the night without smashing my toes on something or tripping on the 6 pairs of shoes I just kicked off without putting them away. It’s small but, very satisfying!

    24. Chaordic One*

      I found a new-to-me sitcom on TV called “Ghosts”. (I don’t usually watch much on mainstream TV and it is rare that I ever find anything I like.) It’s a sitcom based on an English show of the same title about a young couple who inherit a haunted mansion and, following a near-death experience, the wife can see the ghosts. It reminds me of “Desperate Housewives” and “Devious Maids”. I suspect it has some of the same writers and/or producers from those shows. Absurd and charming. An amusing distraction. I’ve been binge-watching from the CBS website. It’s been renewed for a second season. I might try to see if I can track down the English version.

    25. Irish Teacher*

      Just spent an afternoon at the grounds of a historic house, with a friend. Good fun.

      And my plot bunnies are fighting each other. It’s quite annoying. I just START getting an idea and before I can put it together, another is like “no, no, write me instead.”

    26. Overeducated*

      It’s been a pretty awful week, but walking one of my kids to school on his first day and taking photos was joyful. Also, this morning we went to check out a park on the edge of the city because I heard the playground was recently replaced, and it was great!

    27. AGD*

      I have a new favorite running route through an obscure park and it’s full of interesting things to look at, which makes the running a lot more worthwhile.

    28. karenmf*

      I found the perfect house to buy and depending on tomorrow’s inspection it will be mine very soon!!

  8. Kuhoro*

    I have a friend, Zoe, who has been on hard times even before Covid but the pandemic made it worse. Her job in live events was eliminated and she’s been struggling, moving back in with her parents and relying on them a lot for transport because her car is on its last legs. Because of the spot she’s in, I don’t mind helping her when we’re going to friend gatherings. We’re 20 min away from each other so not a terrible drive. I’ll either come get her or She’ll drive/get a ride to my house and I’ll drive us from there.

    My problem is that she always seems to make the travel way more complicated than it needs to be. Tomorrow a group of us are going to a museum event and want to be there at 3PM. Zoe has something happening in the morning away from her house that a different friend was going to pick her since it’s close to her. Great! Except she was relying on a ride from her mother to get to her morning thing and her mom suddenly can’t take her. So she asked me if she could drive to my house and stay over to get to nearby public transport. Fine by me. Except she then wanted me to wake up extra early to drive her to the Publix transport so she wouldn’t have to pay for parking.

    Even before Covid, she did similar things. We were once going to an event where Zoe was flying in from her college town to mine. I said that I didn’t mind picking her up from Airport A ten minutes from me the morning before the multi day event. Without asking me, Zoe booked a flight to Airport B, an hour away from me, at like 6AM on the second day of the event, because the flight was cheaper. She did it without offering me any gas money or checking if I was fine with this change. Thankfully another friend agreed to get her because I definitely wasn’t doing it.

    Basically it’s a trend with Zoe that she’ll change travel plans on me when I’m already going out of my way to help her. I love her, she’s one of my dearest friends and I know I could count on her even for an alibi to any crime I commit, but she makes these travel plans such a hassle. And it’s even harder to establish boundaries because I know she’s in a crappy place right now. How can I proceed with Zoe that I can still help her get to friend events but not drive myself crazy while I’m driving us around?

    1. Fikly*

      Give her a firm boundary of what you can and cannot deal with. For example: you have to stick to the first plan for transport/help to an event. Or, plans cannot be changed less than 24 hours before the event. Or whatever will work for you. I would suggest a universal boundary, rather than one that changes based on the type of thing, because it’s easier to stick to. If it changes, it leaves space for arguments for exceptions.

      Then stick to that boundary, even when it sucks.

      1. Jessica*

        Btw, a helpful thing I heard this week is “boundaries describe actions you will take and do not require the cooperation of anyone else.” So a boundary might sound less like “plans won’t be changed without 24 hours notice” and more like “if she calls day-of with new plans, I’ll tell her they won’t work without explaining further.” It’s a small perspective shift, but this phrase has helped me thinking of boundaries more like prepping my own response, rather than making declarations and hoping for the best.

        2. Sloanicota*

          Ooh this is good, and I have not heard it put quite like that before. I have always imagined Boundaries to be an announcement the person makes, and never quite seen how that would work.

      2. JSPA*

        This. I’ve received the message and given it, without too much offense, as “don’t go getting creative on me.”

        “I can do tuesday between 7 and 10 AM, if you can find a flight going to Airport A, but I can’t do other days and times, so don’t get too creative, or you may be dialing for another driver.”

        “What options are you considering? I’ll tell you which ones work for me, but if it’s not on the list and approved, I can’t commit, so don’t go getting all creative after that point.”

        “I’m fully available for 1 hour round trip, either between 7 and 10 am, or between 6 and 11 PM. But other than that, I expect to be slammed, so don’t get too creative with the planning.”

    2. RagingADHD*

      Say yes to the things you don’t mind doing. Say no to the things you would mind doing.

      She’s a grown woman. She knows the difference between asking a favor and imposing. She can work it out if she has to.

      You don’t need to make any announcements or do anything overtly. Just respond to the situation as it presents itself.

      She will either sort herself out, or she won’t. Either way, it’s not your problem to solve.

      1. Sloanicota*

        See, I think in this case, I would want to make some sort of bigger-picture statement to indicate that things have changed, because my observation is that most people don’t recognize their own patterns, and it’s really the pattern here that annoys OP more than a single one-time inconvenient plan. “Friend, I love you, but I’m not going to be able to accommodate complicated plans in the future – my energy level has really changed in the pandemic (or whatever) so I’m only going to be able to X and not Y this time.” (I statements, own your own experience, don’t say things about her and what she always does). And then next time you can reference this switch and reinforce you can only do a reasonable thing, not an unreasonable thing. If you just say, “can’t drive you tomorrow sorry” I’m not sure it will reach her.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I mean, you can try if you want to.

          OP indicated that they wanted to keep the friendship. They also sound like they have trouble with feeling guilty and giving in.

          Overtly calling it out is going to lead to denial, arguing, tears and tension. It won’t make the friend change, but it creates more opportunities for OP to stress about it and back down. Or, if the denial is deep enough, blow up the friendship.

          Maybe it’s worth it. But I’m trying to be guided by what OP seems to want. I think the quiet approach will be less stressful and more effective under the circumstances.

          1. Nicosloanican*

            Yeah I think OP will have to decide what works best for her style. To me, telling someone “no” as a standalone, and then telling them “no” again the next time they ask, and they doing it again (because this friend sounds a little oblivious to me) while hoping she will pick up that I mean “no forever” would be a source of stress, and probably I’d fail to keep my resolution on the second ask, so now I’m doing intermittent reinforcement of the asking behavior haha, whereas if I can express that I need a permanent shift in this habit, that will hopefully be more of a one-time conversation. Making it about me and my needs is supposed to keep the friend from crying and feeling bad because nobody is saying “you’re a mooch, you need to stop doing this” etc etc.

            1. RagingADHD*

              There’s also the fact that OP *is* okay with doing some of the favors, under certain circumstances.

              It’s the chaos and extra difficulty that’s the problem. I don’t expect the friend to ever be able to figure out what is or is not okay to ask. Because there isn’t a bright line between “too much” and “not too much”.

              So in that situation, OP has to exercise their own freedom to go with their gut. I think it might help with OP’s sense of ownership if they give themselves permission to say “no” whenever they want, without having to have a permanent commitment to saying “no” all the time.

        2. Filosofickle*

          While it might not always be the right approach, I agree that it can be helpful to make a big picture statement. If after years of a particular dynamic, it’s confusing when it changes and the other person doesn’t know why! They can misinterpret it and get a very different message. I’ve lost friends that way, and I believe it’s because they took my new behavior as me stepping back from the relationship because I didn’t put any context to it. In this case, it may be enough to be really clear each time about why.

    3. ResearchalatorLady*

      I would drop by the archives of Captain Awkward, for one, and unlike RagingADHD I would call it out — “Time is money too, you know,” and then I would say that while I was happy to have her stay over, she was basically hiring me to wake up early at $X – cost of parking – which wasn’t something I had agreed to or was happy with.

      1. ResearchalatorLady*

        The analogy doesn’t quite follow because of course you’re not being paid, but she is, essentially, saving money with your time (sleepy time!)

        1. Sloanicota*

          She is literally saving money because the alternative is to pay for car transport at an inconvenient hour or pay for parking herself. So she is saving money at the expense of OP’s convenience.

    4. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Can you start communications (text or phone?) with “Hi, X event will be such fun. Here’s what will work for me …” and then just tell her “you need to be at my house at [whatever time] and we’ll go directly to X event. Looking forward to it!” If she tries last-minute changes, just say, “Oh, sorry, luv, I can’t do that!” without getting bogged down into why or why not. She may be having a bad spell career-wise, but it doesn’t give her special privileges on everything.

    5. Radical honesty*

      She sounds like a mooch and needs to do more to get her act together. Can’t continue to enable bad behavior.

      1. WellRed*

        Yeah, really. Maybe Zoe misses out on certain gatherings. Maybe she takes an Uber. No one owes her on demand transportation.

      2. Pool Lounger*

        Maybe she thinks everyone is ok with her behavior because no one has ever talked to her about it.

        1. Despachito*

          This.

          I’d assume (and hope) that if I ask a good friend to do me a favor and they consent, that means that they are OK with it, because if they weren’t, they would tell me. And – and this is important – there is no bitterness because both of us are positive that the other one is doing only what they are truly willing to do.

          If the friendship indeed is as firm as OP states, it should definitely survive a refusal.

      3. Kuhoro*

        I don’t think Zoe is a deliberate mooch; I think she doesn’t think things through and doesn’t realize how much of a hassle she makes situations for others.

        At an event a few years ago when Zoe, myself, and a friend with her boyfriend were sharing a hotel room, we decided to bring our own food rather than eat out the whole weekend. I brought PBJ supplies, the friend brought pasta salad, the boyfriend brought donut and pastries for breakfast. Zoe volunteered to get ramen. I thought she’d get the instant ramen that comes in a cup so you just pour hot water inside and wait a few minutes, then you can eat. Easy for a hotel room where we could get hot water from the coffee maker. She brought the bricks of ramen that you need to boil in a pot of hot water. When we pointed out we couldn’t make that in the hotel room and why didn’t she get ramen cups, she said she didn’t think it through.

        It’s something she does kinda frequently with other things but it’s really the driving thing that’s so frustrating, especially with gas prices up so high. It’s not deliberate, she just doesn’t seem to think things to their conclusion.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      “she’s one of my dearest friends and I know I could count on her even for an alibi to any crime I commit,”

      I think you mean this in jest and just to show that this person has your back.

      Only I am not so sure this person has your back. The constant change of plans would not work for most people. Personally, I don’t do well with this type of thing. And I can be very accommodating. What does me in is when it’s seems to go mostly one way- in favor of the other person.

      I suggest you tell her that you now realize that your time/energy is compacted more and more by other things. (Don’t expand on what these other things are.) Tell her you need to her to come up with ONE plan, not TEN. Tell her to think carefully and pick a plan she will stick with, you are no longer able to help with changed plans. Whatever plan she lays out initially is the one you will do. Tell her and then stick to it.

      I would not be surprised if you started seeing less of your friend. You can be as kind as can be but I fear when you start saying No, she’s going to find other people.

      I understand you feel for her because of her current problems. But check it out- she’s not asking you to help job hunt or find some pick up work or help her in helping her parents somehow. It sounds like the things she is asking for do not change her core problem of employment/lack of cash. I am mentioning this because I do have friends who are in a bad spot financially and they are diligent about reducing expenses and finding a way out of the spot they are in. Okay- maybe not diligent maybe more like religion- they are all over it like bees on honey. It’s okay to watch how much energy people put into their problems and only match that level of energy. If this means you can only help her once a month then so be it.

      Last thought. If you know something is going to get annoying, the time to speak up about it is before you lose your cool and deliver your message poorly in the moment.

      1. Squidhead*

        “I know I could count on her even for an alibi to any crime I commit”

        I also assume this was in jest, but OP do not ask her for an alibi since you said Zoe couldn’t even think out the logistics of making Ramen in a hotel room! She may be dear to you but she is a birdbrain. Her heart may be in the right place but if she’s terrible at logistics then she probably literally doesn’t realize that one pickup time is not equivalent to the other or that you weren’t planning to get up that early. For your sake, favors you do for her need to be on your terms. If slowing down on favors means the friendship slows down, then you’ll learn something important and sad about Zoe.

        For reference, I think it’s also normal that people’s idea of what’s okay as a favor changes over time. In college, it was kinda fun to drive to the airport that was 2 hours away. It was a bit of a rite of passage, the same as sleeping on the floor of a dorm-friend when your roommate’s SO visited. Now (20 years later), I’m not picking up anyone but family from that far away, unless it was truly an emergency, and I’m not sleeping on any floors!
        So, if you’re feeling bad because you used to do these things and technically could still do them, don’t let that feeling guilt you into doing things you don’t want to do & have very little benefit to you.

    7. Not A Manager*

      “Hey, Zoe, I’m happy to do this thing we just agreed to. Quick heads up, though, that I can’t commit to anything different from this unless we talk about it in advance. If you need to change airports or arrival times or anything, you might be on your own.”

    8. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I don’t think you’ll get her to change, but when/if you agree to do any favors, absolutely specify that the details matter…you are agreeing to pick her up at x time from x location and take her x place and that’s it. If she changes details, the agreement is void, and stick to that boundary.

    9. Janeric*

      I think you could say “oh no, that plan doesn’t work for me! I won’t be able to get up before/drive after/drive more than…” And then work to find a solution. Treat it like she planned to take the bus and didn’t know that buses stop running at ten. Of COURSE she knows that no one wants to get up early to save someone parking fees, she’s just not aware of your schedule.*

      *this may or may not be true but assuming good intentions will probably smooth things over a lot.

  9. AZ*

    As I was working on a crossword puzzle this week, it struck me that I’ve been doing them well over 20 years now. And they still can feel as fresh and challenging as the first one I finished at 14. It’s such a joy to know I have a lifelong hobby and to have brought others (my mom and my spouse) into the fold.

    What is your oldest hobby that continues to bring you joy to this day?

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Embroidery – my mom taught me to sew and cross stitch as a kid. Now I mostly do other types of needlework but it was fun to come back to as an adult!

      Hiking and reading too

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I learned to crochet and cross stitch when I was 5 and I’m 41 now :)

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      Ballet. Tried it at ages 6-8, them again for a while as a teenager and at university. Took it up again in 2020 (I’m now in my 40s) and enjoy it enough that I’ll keep going till my knees give out.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Crosswords are probably it for me too. I remember being so happy, as a child, when my mother allowed me to fill in the easy games from the magazines she played with on summer holidays. Then, as a teenager, I got good enough that I could fill entire larger grids, and we’d split who did what, or rely on each other to fill blanks. My early 20s was when I started cracking the difficult games in the magazine that is most popular in my home country (blank grids, clues in random order), and now I can do most of them, which used to seem impossible.

      These days, I only do large grids or difficult ones, and leave the easier puzzles (or any games involving numbers) to my partner. I see my mother in person twice a year, and she always has a stack of blank magazines she starts buying in the weeks before my visit. I have a huge backlog that will last me years at my speed, but I’ve come to recognise it as a gesture of love. Alsi the only way I can keep up my hobby, since UK and US puzzles follow completely different clue-setting logics I have a hard time with (cryptic crosswords, no thanks!).

    6. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Knitting. My mum taught me when I was 7 and I love that I can turn balls of wool into anything! I think Ravelry is the greatest thing the internet has ever produced.

      1. small town*

        So agree! My grandmother taught me when I was 6 and I’m mid 50s now. Ravelry is amazing!

    7. ResearchalatorLady*

      Logic puzzles! “The person in the blue house doesn’t drink tea on Tuesdays” sort of thing.

        1. London Calling*

          I’d forgotten all about them until reading this. I could do with a brain workout so off to buy some.

      4. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

        I love these too! My gf and I have a subscription to a UK paper magazine that is a ridiculous but delightful indulgence (they will post to us in Australia but it’s not cheap). We do them separately every evening.

    8. Kate*

      The last time I did pottery, I was 9 years old. I’m 38 now and I picked it back up this summer while my kid was at camp. It has been even more joyous a reunion than I had expected! It’s so cathartic and satisfying.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I just reached my 20-year anniversary of BookCrossing! (People register their books on the site, label the books with unique IDs and the site information, and then pass them along: give them to friends, donate them to charity shops, put them on book-swap shelves or in Little Free Libraries, leave them on park benches or near interesting sculptures, historical markers, scenic spots…) I’ve loved to read all my life, and had often left books behind in hotel rooms or on airplanes, and I found the idea of possibly hearing back from future readers quite entrancing. Over the years, only about 1 in 10 of the books I’ve released have checked in, but the responses from the finders are often charming, whether it’s about the books themselves or the circumstances under which they found them.

      I also got into geocaching (finding hidden containers via GPS locations), and have sometimes combined the hobbies, leaving books inside geocaches or at trailheads. Helps get me out and about, and has led me to some marvelous “hidden” spots.

      1. Random Biter*

        Hellooooo, Book Crossing neighbor! I really need to get back in the habit, but I definitely don’t buy as many books as I used to since my library system now can get me books from many different libraries in my part of the state. None of my books have every been found that I know of, and I did discover from one of the cleaning crew that books left on benches at the Mall end up in the trash. THE TRASH!!

    10. Hotdog not dog*

      Gardening. My mom has a picture of 6 month old me “helping” in the garden (I was sitting on a blanket trying to stuff a handful of grass into my mouth while she was trying to pry my little fist away from my face). I don’t remember a time that I didn’t find peace playing around in the dirt!

    11. Irish Teacher*

      Reading. At the age of four, I was very anxious to start school, so I could learn to read. Still love books nearly 40 years later. And writing stories, though I haven’t been doing much of that this last couple of years.

      1. London Calling*

        I can’t actually remember learning to read, but I’m pretty certain my mother taught me before I went to school. Reading has been a constant solace for over 60 years. And like you, I need to get back to the writing.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I tried nagging my mother to teach me to read but she was afraid I’d be bored at school.

    13. Mimmy*

      I’d say jigsaw puzzles. I did them off and on when I was younger but then went many years without doing them. I started doing them again maybe 3-4 years ago. I think my husband would prefer I space them out, but I can’t help it – they’re kind of addictive!

    14. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Decorative planning. I’ve always loved office supplies, stationery, and stickers, but I never really knew what to do with it all until I started planning, and then discovered the decorative planning aspect. I never got into scrapbooking, but decorative planning originated from scrap-bookers. What I like about it is there is the practical aspect of keeping my life and thoughts in order, but there’s also the lighthearted frivolity of buying or creating all the supplies to make it pretty

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      Singing. I was fortunate to grow up in a musical household. Sometimes I sing to myself, accompanied by an instrument I picked up in college, and I enjoy singing harmonies to recordings or the radio. I don’t currently have another singer to hang out with but look forward to when I do. Vocal harmonies make me happy.

    16. Dont be a dork*

      Crosswords and stamp collecting. As I approach retirement I find I’m pulling out the old collection and messing with it more. My mother started my collection when I was oh, three or four, and we “worked” on it together through early elementary. After that, I could do it myself (except that she bought me lots of stamps until I could earn my own money). I know now that she did it so she could work on her own collection in relative peace, but I’ve had my stamp collection really as long as I can remember, and even in the dry times (when I didn’t bother to actually do much with it) I still purchased stamps for the collection.

    17. allathian*

      Reading. All my other hobbies have come and gone, but reading for pleasure’s the one thing that’s always been with me, except for when I was studying for my Master’s degree. Even then, I insisted on reading something that had nothing to do with my studies for at least 10 minutes before switching off the light. Reading has always been my way to relax before bed.

      Oh, the relief when I was finally able to find the time and energy to read for pleasure for several hours at a stretch again was fabulous.

    19. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Choir singing. Been doing it for over 25 years now – with about 3 accumulated years of breaks in between because of moving and having to find a new choir, which can take quite some time.
      It’s a very social activity without having to interact on your own a lot of the time ( – perfect for this introvert). And I’d just been singing since I was a small kid, anyway, so I’m sure my mother was glad to find an outlet for me, away from home ;D

  10. Aphrodite*

    Alison’s answer to her favorite soup led me to think that the AAM community must have a lot of favorite soups.
    Here is my favorite of all time. It started out as an award-winner printed in a newspaper but I have made so many adjustments to it over twenty years it is more of a summer vegetable soup then a true gazpacho. I don’t have stale bread in it but you could add some to take it closer to its roots. I wish I could live solely on this during hot weather. It is amazing how much I go through.

    Gazpacho
    2 bottles of Trader Joe’s Vegetable Juice
    Salt (at least 2 teaspoons, maybe up to 1/8 cup depending on taste preference; see note)
    1 teaspoon lemon juice + zest to taste
    3+ tablespoons sugar
    1 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
    2 tablespoon dark fruity olive oil
    2 large cloves of garlic
    2 pounds of tomatoes, cored and quartered
    2 Anaheim chilis, seeded and chopped (ripened to red if possible)
    2 yellow chilis, seeded and chopped (ripened to red if possible)”
    Jalapenos or habaneros to taste, if desired
    1 cup seeded, skinned, chopped cucumber
    3/4 cup chopped green onions
    2 ribs chopped celery
    3/4 cup chopped red bell pepper
    1/2 cup chopped yellow or orange bell pepper
    1 cup chopped carrots
    2-4 ripe Haas avocados
    1/4 cup chopped parsley leaves
    1/2 cup firmly packed fresh dill
    20+ large basil leaves (depending on taste preferences)
    Combine all ingredients. Whirl in batches in blender until well blended; there will be and should be some coarseness. Chill for at least four hours, preferably overnight. Serve in chilled bowls or cups and sprinkle each with fresh ground pepper.
    Note: I don’t bother to skin my tomatoes or peppers since it’s too hot to bother and I like the bits of skin in with all the other chunky vegetables. But you can.
    Note: TJ’s has stopped carrying its regular vegetable juice and now has only the low-sodium variety. I use that (which I consider much better than V-8 but poorer than the original) but have increased the salt amount by a noticeable amount to make up for it. You don’t have to follow this recipe since I don’t—I eyeball the ingredients–adjust everything to your taste.

    1. Bluebell*

      I love making gazpacho in the summer because it reminds me of my mom’s longtime companion, who has since passed away. He used a similar recipe, but I’m more improvisational, and don’t use vegetable juice. In the winter, my favorite soups are black bean and Tuscan chickpea. The Tuscan chickpea recipe is from cooking light magazine and is very much a pantry soup, plus some fresh rosemary.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      My mom’s white bean chicken soup. The beans thicken the broth and it’s just a perfect comfort food.

      1 lb white beans, presoaked
      small package boneless skin chicken thighs
      4 or 5 carrots, chopped
      2-3 stalks celery, chopped
      some potatoes if you like, chopped
      a big onion, sauteed
      2-3 cloves garlic, sauteed with onion.

      put it all in a big pot, cover with water, add a couple of big spoonfuls of good bouillon paste. Simmer for an hour or two, or just let it go all afternoon. Season generously with thyme (near the end if fresh, at the beginning if dried).

      1. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        That sounds amazing! I’ve started adding parsnip to my chicken soup but I never thought of white beans!

    3. Atheist Nun*

      My favorite soup is the New York Times’ curried sweet potato soup. You can find the recipe freely on Joy the Baker’s web site. The soup can be made vegan if you use a vegan broth or water. If you like Indian spices, you will love this soup. I like making it in the fall and winter. I tweak the spices to add lots more cardamom, using fresh seeds (from the pod) that I grind in a mortar for extra flavor.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      This is more a stew/porridge than a soup. We all really like it and it’s simple and makes leftovers. A variation on Christine Ha’s Chao Ga, chicken and rice porridge:

      1 small onion, chopped fine
      1-2″ piece fresh ginger, minced
      3 chicken breasts
      (optional 1 cup chicken broth)
      2 T fish sauce
      roughly 1 cup jasmine rice
      (optional scallions, cilantro, and lime for serving)

      Put the onion, ginger, and chicken in a pot and cover with water. Add broth if using. Add fish sauce. Cover with water. (I find a little broth deepens the flavor, but I would not use all stock.) Bring to a boil, simmer until chicken is cooked through. Turn off heat; remove chicken and set on plate until cool enough to handle, then shred. Return chicken to pot.

      About 20-30 minutes before you want to eat, return pot to simmer and add rice. Cook, stirring occasionally, until rice is cooked through.

      Can eat as is or add lime, scallion, cilantro, or anything else you like on a savory soup.

    5. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      Mine is lemon chicken stew from the Foodiecrush food blog. We cheat a little and just add rotisserie chicken instead of cooking up chicken thighs as part of the recipe, but it’s so comforting, and one of the recipes I can pretty much make off the top of my head at this point.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I cheat more than you. Instead of cooking chicken thighs I will add canned chicken breast, sometimes one can, sometimes two.

    6. Russian in Texas*

      I love gazpacho! Mine’s a bit simpler, but it’s a perfect summer lunch – just add a toast with cheese.
      My other favorites:
      Okroshka: Russian cold soup based on kvass (fermented bread drink, tart and slightly sweet and fizzy, homemade, store bought kvass is basically soda). Some people use kefir instead, but I don’t like kefir much. The ingredients are basically boiled and chopped potatoes, chopped cucumbers, radishes, scallions, dill, chopped hard-boiled eggs, and some kind of chopped cooked meat if you do desire – ham, sausage, beef, etc.
      Borscht. Sorrell soup. Russian fish soup called ukha. Solyanka – soup with pickles. Barley and mushroom. Russian cuisine is very heavily soup based.
      But I think my absolutely favorite soups are Tom Yum and pho.

    7. fposte*

      That’s like asking me to name a favorite child. My meal planning is anchored on made-ahead soups, and I have a small chest freezer whose primary purpose is to hold them.

      I try always to have in the freezer:
      a basic chicken noodle soup
      the ATK Simple Beef Chili
      a curried coconut chicken soup from a Mark Bittmann book
      some variant on cannellini with spinach and maybe pork

      I love legumes so there are usually several different legume soups going on in addition to this.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I discovered homemade tomato soup when I was growing heirloom tomatoes in pots on my patio. Just google Best Homemade Tomato Soup Recipe (You’ll Never Go Back to Canned)—it’s the one on the An Oregon Cottage website.

      You can use canned tomatoes for it. I made it with Golden Jubilee tomatoes once. It produced this gorgeous yellow soup.

    9. Redhaired runner*

      French onion lentil soup! It’s not a real recipe, you just start like you are making French onion soup, but then you two cups of dried lentils and enough water to keep them covered. It usually ends up as about 7ish cups of soup. It’s amazingly savory and filling, the perfect lunch soup.

    10. Girasol*

      Campfire stew. The way it was made in Brownie camp ages ago was to brown some ground beef in a pot on the fire, pour an industrial-sized can of condensed alphabet soup on top, stir, and call the kids to bring their bowls. Nowadays I chop garden veggies small, make my own tomato sauce, add a good slug of burgundy, and pour all that over the browned beef, and then wish I had some s’mores for after.

    11. Esmeralda*

      I just made watermelon gazpacho! Half a small watermelon (scoop out the fruit), couple pounds tomatoes (peeled — they were frozen and defrosted so peeling was easy), minced garlic, minced onion, chopped peeled cuke, couple of roasted red peppers from a jar, fresh basil, glug of olive oil, couple glugs of red wine vinegar., salt, pepper. Blend it (I have an immersion blender). Taste for salt, pepper, vinegar.

      Put in a carafe, refrigerate. To serve: Garnish w avocado cubes, basil chiffonade, tiny cubes of cuke, or what you will.

    12. Chaordic One*

      We call my favorite soup, “Butterballs,” which is the mail ingredient. Known by a variety of names, the one I see most often is “German Butterball and Noodle Chicken Soup.” We always make the rich spicy butterballs from scratch and sometimes we will make the noodles from scratch, also. I just love the rich spicy butterballs. It is special treat that my family prepares for holidays such as Christmas Eve and Easter.

    13. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      This is my new favorite soup. It’s from a wonderful little book called Accidentally Vegan Italian Soups by Giovanni Caruso. It’s extremely simple to make, relatively inexpensive, filling, and delicious. (I’m sorry that it’s not a gazpacho; gazpacho is one of the handful of foods that I absolutely hate.)

      Barley and Legume Soup (makes about 5 good-size servings)

      3 tablespoons olive oil
      1 onion
      1 carrot
      1 celery stalk (I cheat and use pre-cut mirepoix for the onion/carrot/celery)
      2 tablespoons chopped fresh sage
      Minced garlic
      7 cups vegetable stock (I like a thicker soup, so I use a bit less liquid — I’ve been using one 32-oz container of Kitchen Basics vegetable stock plus 2 cups water)
      2 15-oz cans of low-sodium white beans (cannellini, Navy, or just plain “white beans” all work well)
      1 15-oz can of low-sodium black beans
      Salt and pepper to taste

      Fry the onion, carrot, celery, sage, garlic and a pinch of salt in the olive oil on medium-low heat for 10 minutes.
      Add the vegetable stock, beans, and pearled barley. Bring to a boil, then simmer, covered, for 30 minutes or until the barley is tender.
      Taste and add salt/pepper as needed. That’s it!

    14. Paddy O'Furniture*

      Sometimes, when I’m in the right mood, I love vichyssoise. Especially on a hot summer evening.

    15. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Nothing quicker or easier when you’re too tired and hungry to think straight than miso. Whisk a big lump of it into boiling water, add veg and protein (seaweed and tofu are traditional, of course, but if you don’t have those on hand, kale and cracking an egg into the broth to poach will definitely do the trick), and for extra sumptuousness, slice/scoop an avocado into your bowl as garnish.

  11. So_Muchly_Anon*

    I’m upset and my partner can’t see my side. Can y’all help me articulate my position better?

    My husband and I wanted to buy a cat (not actually a cat, I just don’t want to open a debate about the actual purchase) and we agreed on a price and a style of cat. That was four years ago and cats got hard to come by for awhile. We stopped talking about buying a cat.
    Yesterday my husband told me he bought a cat last week. I was surprised and asked why he hadn’t mentioned it. He said that he thought I’d become more of a dog person and he was worried about how I’d react to a cat so he bought it without discussing it with me.
    I’m trying to explain that I do NOT care he spent the money, but that he quietly bought a cat because he thought I’d object. He’s saying I buy things all the time without mentioning it. We’re not properly hearing each other.
    I’d love to have people weigh in because I am terrible at explaining myself when I’m upset.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Well, if the purchase is actually a pet or other thing that carries a lifestyle change or responsibility/commitment, that’s a big decision and definitely needs to be made jointly.

      “I didn’t consult you because I didn’t want to be told no” is an extra egregious reason. It’s really disrespectful! Are the things you buy unilaterally also shared items that you’ve discussed and planned together? Assuming you can afford it, you really don’t need to run things like hobbies, clothes, and other personal purchases by your partner first. It sounds like you’re upset that he moved forward alone on what was meant to be a joint purchase, and that he forced you into a purchase specifically because he believed it was something you didn’t want.

      1. So_Muchly_Anon*

        We never run purchases by each other unless it’s like ‘new roof for the house’ big. We both make roughly the same and we pool money. We’re solidly upper middle class. I mention purchases to him out of habit but if I spend $250 on my hair, it’s not a big deal. If I didn’t mention it and he wouldn’t care.
        The purchase doesn’t change our lifestyle in any way.
        It was a joint purchase until it wasn’t, if that make sense.

      2. mreasy*

        It sounds like this is something like a piece of furniture, a vehicle. or an appliance that you’d expect everyone to agree on. Your husband is absolutely in the wrong. My spouse and I bank separately and we don’t have any sort of rule about telling each other above a certain amount (though we usually do just in conversation), but neither of us would think it okay to make this kind of decision unilaterally without consulting the other. A pet would bring along even more expectation of discussing – and choosing together! – but whatever it is, I hope you can get him to realize why it’s important that he doesn’t do this again in the future.

      3. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I think the cat example here is throwing me. It’s egregious to bring something like an animal into a household without everyone’s enthusiastic consent because everyone will have to work together and be on the same page for a successful new family member to join. If it’s like, a gym membership that he will do most of the effort with, I don’t have as much of an issue, although I do understand that with a shared budget all choices affect everybody.

        1. So_Muchly_Anon*

          Hey y’all. It wasn’t an animal. It was a shotg*n.
          I wanted to keep that out of it but my (what I thought was a BRILLIANT swap) analogy caused a bunch more confusion.
          Anyways. He thought my opinion had changed regarding g*n ownership. It hasn’t. The true item (and why he hid it from me) is probably not going to go over well. But. We went for a walk today and I used some of the excellent AAM advice and he really got it. I swear. He’s apologetic and he understands 100% why I have lost trust in him. We’re going to go to counseling and thanks to my stellar EAP, it’ll be free.
          Thanks to this community. Y’all are great.

          1. acmx*

            I think it was a pretty good swap! And yes, I can imagine his actions caused you to lose trust in him. I hope the EAP works out wonderfully!

          2. Irish Teacher*

            Yeah, I think that falls under the same category as a cat in that it is something I really don’t think somebody should buy unless they are sure everybody in the house is OK with it. As allathian said, attitudes to guns in the US are very different to here, so it might not be SUCH a big deal, but…it also seems to be a political issue over there and if he thought for example that recent school shootings had turned you against guns, then buying a gun without discussing that with you is really not on.

            I realise he was wrong, but from his point of view, it sounds like he was buying something he thought you had a moral objection to having in the house.

            I’m really glad he got it and apologised. Maybe it was just a one off slip, but I do think he needs to explore both why he assumed your opinions had changed and why, if they had, he would think it OK to go completely behind your back and bring something into the house that you might have serious objections to. I guess that will be explored in the counselling though, so I’m glad that’s free.

            And I can totally see why you wouldn’t want to name it as so many people have strong opinions one way or the other and it is such a culturally based issue.

          3. mreasy*

            Oh wow I’m glad he’s listening. Yeah this absolutely the type of thing you must discuss. And cat WAS a good analogy. I could not have firearms in my house and this is absolutely a one no means no situation, like a pet!

          4. Jay*

            Good for you. To me, the communication issue and the assumption was at the core of the problem so it didn’t matter what it was (although it makes much more sense that your opinion might have changed now that I know what it is!). And yay! EAP benefits.

    2. RagingADHD*

      IDK if this is how you feel, but to me the problem isn’t about *buying stuff* at all.

      It’s the idea that he was guessing at the way you think or feel, and making decisions based on the guess, rather than talking about it. To me, that would be a scary prospect. I would wonder what else he is presuming about me instead of talking about.

      And why?

      It would worry me that we might be having a major communication breakdown, and I didn’t even know. I would want to understand why he felt unable or unwilling to discuss it, when we had discussed it in the past.

      Of course, if it were a major financial hit or lifestyle change, I would also have a problem with that being one sided. But to me, the more urgent problem would be this big change in the way we communicate (or don’t).

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        “he was guessing at the way you think or feel, and making decisions based on the guess” – and his decision was specifically the opposite of what he assumed Muchly’s would be!

      2. PX*

        This for me. I cannot cannot cannot CANNOT stand people making assumptions about how I feel or think about something. If you’re unsure, ask. If you think I’ve changed my mind, ask. I will basically never get angry at someone asking again or checking in to confirm something. But just assuming? Surefire way to get me in a bad mood.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Are there any specific reasons you can put a finger on? Staying with your cat example: you’d have wanted to arrange the space a certain way in preparation for a cat, or there were other items you wanted to buy first, or even, more simply, you were hoping to go see cats together before you took one home?

      If so, can you try bringing those up to make it clearer why “it was a joint purchase until it wasn’t” is a big deal to you? If this was me and my partner, that’s what would have the most chances of getting my point across, because he’d look at the situation with less emotion than me (funnily, our closest example IS getting a cat, and he knows very well by now that we’ll be choosing one together, because I find the idea of him surprising me with a kitten blindsiding rather than cute).

    4. Despachito*

      I think that the problem is “I will do this behind your back because I am afraid you’d object.” Apart from illogical (does he think you will not find out and not object then?), it is disrespectful, and I’d be livid as well.

      If you had not mentioned his reasoning, I’d be inclined to think it is an misunderstanding (you basically agreed you want a cat and its parameters years ago, cats are in short supply, then they appear again and he buys a cat thinking that it has been pre-arranged with you).

      However, as he reasoned as he did, I’d 1) express my disappointment that he did it like that, 2) open a debate with him why he thought he had to do it (is there a problem in communication between us that needs to be resolved)?

      It would be important to me to express that I am definitely NOT OK with things being done that way, and at the same time give him some space to express his own concerns, if any, and ideally, you should work TOGETHER on this.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This — “I did the thing because I thought you’d say no if I asked you first” is amazingly disrespectful of someone who’s supposed to be a life partner. There’s any number of other reasons to do a thing that may not involve checking with me and that’s not necessarily a big deal, but when your official reason to do the thing is because you thought I wouldn’t be okay with it and you wanted to remove my option to say that, that’s a shitty thing to do.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I would want to work out with the partner (ideally, in a positive way, assuming you want to work this out) – what exactly did they imagine you would do if they told you about this? Did they think you would stress about it and make it a big stressful deal for a few days (my problem with a former partner) and they wanted to avoid the drama? Did they fall for this specific cat and think you would cause an argument and not let them get the cat they wanted because you would want a different one? Those are both issues to discuss, whereas if they knew you literally wouldn’t want a cat but would have a hard time making them get rid of it, that’s more on the disrespectful side to me.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I should add these conversations can be very painful. It’s terrible to find out that your partner finds you controlling or is tired of your dramatics or whatever, but it’s important to understand and to get there you have to be open and not shut down the discussion when it hurts your feelings. If it’s actually just about him really wanting this cat and being selfish/greedy about it, that’s actually easier to take.

      2. eeeek*

        If I were in this situation, OP, the issue Despachito names is where I would land – it’s not the cat, it’s not the money, it’s not the timing, it’s not acting on a decision that had been indefinitely deferred…it’s knowing, for certain, that my partner saw a need to out-maneuver me and took an action that was manipulative. That pushes all of my Trust Issues buttons, and I wonder what other issues they are unilaterally acting on because they don’t want to deal with my objections or even with talking about it.

        I get that some partnerships do fine allowing partners to make decisions that would distress the other – but those aren’t initially unilateral decisions. My own relationship has countless tiny little things that we each do because we’ve negotiated those issues and navigated that territory over time. One big rule we’ve learned that we have to discuss all “I want this even though I think you don’t” issues – and in the handful of cases where issues haven’t been discussed, the fait accompli is presented with copious apologies and a back-out plan if it’s really not going to work.

        If this rings true to you, maybe this is an inflexion point for your partnership to have that meta-discussion: how will you handle respectful consultation on important topics?

        Also, Fait Accompli would be a great name for a Thai cat. I’m putting that on my “future names” list for the next sassycat.

    5. Jen Erik*

      Happened to me in an imaginary sense:
      My daughter remarked that she and her dad had a plan when (very actual and seemingly immortal) dog died, that they would sneak out and buy another one, knowing that I’d be furious, but that I also would get over it after a couple of weeks.
      I know (for sure) this won’t happen, and was just a silly discussion – but it was really hurtful – partly because they got my probable reaction bang on.
      It’s something about not having the opportunity to say your piece – and them choosing to avoid the difficult discussion in order to get the outcome they want. It’s not fair, it – even in this entirely imaginary scenario – made me angry and upset, and it’s maybe even a bit scary to feel someone who loves you would choose to force your hand like that.
      I don’t have a good script for you to use with your husband, but I just wanted to say I understand how you feel.

    6. Gravity*

      It may be helpful to reframe it as “being heard” rather than “explaining”. The latter could be seen as trying to convince him of the validity of your argument, when it’s often not about right or wrong. One approach is the Gottman method: you would share your view on what happened, he would reflect it back so you know he heard you. You share how the situation made you feel; he would validate those feelings. You state a positive need for the future (I need to be included in future cat purchases.) And then you would listen, reflect, and validate back.

      This method takes work but is very effective for refocusing conversations on what is good for the relationship, and moving away from power struggles. Good luck!

      1. So_Muchly_Anon*

        Gravity, this comment helped me so so much. I had an excellent conversation with hubby, we’re heading for counseling, and I appreciate your input. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to comment. It really helped an random internet stranger. :)

    7. Ann Ominous*

      Him saying you buy things all the time without mentioning it is a red herring and unrelated to the flow of the discussion.

      You explained why it bothered you. Actually, HE explained it himself pretty well. It bothers you because he bought it without discussion ON PURPOSE because he thought he wouldn’t like your reaction if you knew about it.

      You don’t get an expensive hair cut AT him. It sounds like he got a car AT you, or maybe DESPITE you. He thought you’d have an issue so he hid it and did it anyway, instead of making you a partner in it like you had been at the beginning. It bothers you because it was deceitful and he needs to own it.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Yup, presumably, the things Muchly bought without consulting her partner on, she bought with the assumption he would either approve or wouldn’t care. If she was wrong, it was a mistake. However, in this case, he made it clear he bought this without asking her, not because he assumed her agreement but because he assumed she WOULD raise objections and he didn’t want to have to compromise. That is a very different situation.

    8. Irish Teacher*

      Honestly, I think what he did was wrong. He got something he thought you wouldn’t want and did it behind your back to ensure you didn’t have the chance to disagree.

      How wrong he is does depend, in my opinion, on what it was. Something like a pet or furniture or an appliance for the house would be really problematic. If it’s something just for him, it’s less of a big deal, though I’d still think it a red flag that he didn’t tell you. If it is something like “I got a new laptop and didn’t tell you because I thought you preferred tablets,” that’s…kinda weird. And if it IS something it would be reasonable for you to object to, then it’s more problematic.

      I think the issue here is the reasoning behind his not telling you rather than his not telling you in and of itself. I assume that when you buy things without telling him, it’s because you think he wouldn’t be interested or because they are an impulse purchase or just because the subject doesn’t come up, not because you think he’d disagree and want to ensure he doesn’t get a say. That’s a very different proposition.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        It also seems a little like he’s almost trying to argue both ways. On the one hand, he is saying he HAD to do it secretly because he thought you would object and on the other, he is acting like he can’t understand why you are objecting now and potentially making you feel like you are overreacting.

        He isn’t misunderstanding you. He was expecting you to be annoyed. He did it knowing that your annoyance was likely to be the consequence.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      It’s a very bad policy to pull a fait accompli on your partner, because you care more about getting your way than you do your partner’s feelings. I’m not sure if this purchase actually is irreversible (the dishonesty of going behind your back and then coming clean once it’s bought suggests it is, though) but if “he was worried about how I’d react to a cat” then the last thing in the world he should be buying is a “cat” UNTIL it’s been talked out.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      The best advice I can give you is you need marriage counseling. It’s not a matter of articulating your position better – its that your partner isn’t willing to listen or care about your feelings. The purchase of a cat is a symptom of a bigger relationship issue.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I can’t tell from here if this is Muchly’s situation at all, but I have been in relationships where I have to say “The cat thing bothers me because x, y and z” and those three things have to be watertight reasoning because the person has an inherent investment in proving me wrong and making sure my feelings are disbelieved or invalidated. I have also been in relationships where I can just say “The cat thing bothers me” and I am completely listened to and they knock it off immediately and undo the thing as far as possible, because they just really want to know what bothers me so they can avoid doing it.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I’ve known people who react like that too, people who feel that I should have to PROVE myself to them before they will respond to me. Interestingly enough, those people never seem to feel that I should be able to evaluate THEIR feelings and would be the first to tell me, “you have NO right whatsoever to tell me how I should feel” or “are you the expert on MY feelings now?” I also don’t know if this is Muchly’s situation, but it is one in which it’s very hard to win because the other person has set themselves up as the arbitrator of the dispute and of course they are going to rule in their own favour.

        2. tangerineRose*

          “those three things have to be watertight reasoning because the person has an inherent investment in proving me wrong and making sure my feelings are disbelieved or invalidated.” This type of person sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to be with long-term.

          1. allathian*

            You said it. I honestly wouldn’t want to have anything to do with them in the short term either. People like that are exhausting. I have too high an opinion of myself to put up with that shit from anyone.

    11. Nancy*

      Did you want to have a say it? Is it something you would use? The example is confusing me, because bringing a pet without the other person’s ok is wrong.

    12. Jay*

      The specific item isn’t the issue. The money isn’t the issue. The problem is that your husband is dismissing your feelings. If you haven’t already, you could try “When we were talking about the cat purchase, I felt like you didn’t care about how I felt.” Because that’s the real problem here if you have the money (which it sounds like you do).

      Is this a one-off or are there other times when you feel dismissed, or when he makes assumptions about how you’ll react to something? This was a real problem in my marriage for a long time. My husband was terrified of upsetting me, so he would go behind my back and do things, which then of course made me upset. He reacted exactly as you describe your husband reacting – defensiveness and justification – and it took some time in couples counseling to really shift the pattern.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I felt like the partner not only didn’t care how she felt, he thought she’d be annoyed and did it anyway before she could object. That’s not OK.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      It may be that he will never understand the point because he has decided not to understand.

      I am not clear here but it would be good to know for purposes of clarity: Is it true are you now more of a dog person? Have you lost interest in the cat?

      This started out as a joint purchase. This isn’t about money- it’s a couples thing to go together and select something. As relationships mature bonding moments happen in different ways. Couples can see purchase decisions made as a team as a small confirmation of their on-going coupledom. Some couples can even make a mini-date out of it by going out to lunch after the purchase. It works into a thing.

      To me this is the key part here: BECAUSE you were discussing the purchase as a couple you assumed you would continue discussing the purchase as a couple before the purchase was made. First fail. He could have said he wanted to get it.
      Surprise! Not only did he make the purchase without you, he randomly decided that you no longer wanted a cat. It never once occurred to him that you could have said, “I really don’t want a cat but I am MOST willing to get one because it’s something YOU like.” Second fail. He could have asked you about the cat instead of assuming you were so narrow that you could not see his enjoyment about the cat.

      Some how he got it home and kept it from you for a WEEK. This means he spent a lot of time thinking about this. He could have come home and said, “I hope your not mad at me, but I bought a cat today and without you, I am sorry. This is something that I really wanted.” Hmm. He felt he could not say “this is something I really want” to you? WHY? Third fail. Why does he believe what he wants is secondary.

      His counter point that you bring home things without mentioning it to him: Sorry, I was the primary shopper in this household. I got hit with “you’re always buying things” and my reply was, “You can go do the weekly shopping with me. And you can help write the weekly list!” So this stuff does not fly with me. To his credit, he stepped up to the task. And we never revisited that discussion. I did use more words such as “I have to guess what you want this week and it’s better for you if you decide along with me so you get what you actually want.”

      But mainly here, it’s a poor tactic for a discussion as he is going from specific to general. When people do this, go from specific to generalities, they are throwing up hurdles on what they know is a losing battle for them. You were talking about the cat then he jumped to “all the time”. NO. You both were discussing the cat. What you personally do all the time is a separate discussion.

      In pre-martial counseling couples spend time deciding how they will make decisions as a team. Who decides what. When do decisions get made jointly. How do couples signal each other that they want to have say in the decision or want the other one to have say?

      It’s striking to me because I always told my husband I wanted him to have things he liked and I did not always “have to” like them also. I also let him know that I would always be happy to see him happy about something. I don’t have to be overjoyed about the new air compressor, but I can enjoy seeing him happy about the purchase.

      Purchases decisions can also be done in barter. My husband wanted to get his bike rebuilt. It was 2k, which would be closer to 10k in today’s dollars. I supported that with enthusiasm even. But, I said, I want my slice of the pie. I’d like a nice sewing machine. He was happy about the sewing machine for me. We got the machine a couple years later.
      Ironically here we did get an actual cat for him and a dog for me later on in life.

      I think sitting down and talking things through is the best bet for you both. You guys can let this go into a bigger and bigger issue OR you can decide that you are together for a reason and what is happening right now is small and your couplehood is BIG.
      In sum:
      You both deserve to have the right to buy things that you feel good or happy about. You are equal in this regard.
      There are times when a purchase may not seem that appealing to the non-buying partner, but seeing each other in joy or feeling good about things is important.
      Secrets don’t fly. They cause a lot of stress for one thing. And they also erode a marriage/friendship/any relationship if done routinely. It’s more important to keep things open than anything else.
      Assumptions also kill relationships. Ask each other. Do not assume. Spouses change as they age. The longer we are with someone the more we see that. I saw my husband who was anti-debt take out three car loans in our years together. And visa versa, my husband saw me change my mind about stuff. Compromises must be made continuously for the relationship to survive.
      Promise each other that you won’t let life stuff get bigger than your marriage and each other. Promise each other to find a path through things by using open communication and a willingness to compromise.

      All relationships are a long series of trade offs. I want a dog. I don’t want to get up at 2 am because he has to go out. But I do get up at 2 am when he has to go out because (back to) I want a dog. It’s all trade offs, all along the way.

    14. More information needed*

      It’s hard to know how to react without knowing what the actual purchase was. If you’re going to buy something without consulting your spouse, it’s very different if the thing is a refrigerator vs. a car vs. a hamster vs. a heated towel rack.

      If it’s something that you’ll inevitably have to use, or that cost a lot of money, yes, it’s a big deal that he did it without consulting you. “I didn’t think you’d like this new couch I wanted so I bought it without asking you, enjoy sitting on it I guess” is not a good look in a marriage.

      If it’s not something that’s a big deal for you guys financially, and that you’re not going to need to use, I don’t think it’s a big deal. “I didn’t talk to you before I bought a PS5 because I didn’t think you were interested in owning one any more, so I just got it to play after work while you’re at the gym” is totally fine, in my opinion, as long as the cost of the item isn’t going to have a significant impact on your finances.

      If the issue is that he thought you’d be mad and he’d rather have you be mad AND have the thing than have you be mad at the suggestion and therefore not get the thing, then you guys have a real communication problem and it might be time for couples counselling.

      1. Books and Cooks*

        Yes, I agree with all of this.

        And is it possible he misspoke? I know a few times my husband has questioned something I did, or I’ve questioned something he did, and the first thing we throw out there isn’t necessarily what we really mean, it’s just that we felt put on the spot, and sometimes minds and mouths work funny when we feel that way.

        In other words, maybe he did think, “I won’t tell her so she won’t be mad,” or maybe he thought, “Do I need to call her? No, she won’t care,” and then when he realized you did, he immediately thought, “If I’d told her she wouldn’t be mad,” and phrased it as, “I thought if I told you, you’d be mad,” when that wasn’t /really/ what he thought or meant. Or he bought it thinking, “She won’t care,” and then when he got it home he realized he should have said something and started feeling guilty, and has been feeling guilty all week, and that’s why he phrased it that way.

        But I also think that if this is something like a PS5, and you guys can afford it, don’t make it a huge deal. You can say to him, “It hurts me that you thought I would be mad about this, and that you decided to keep it from me because of that. Please don’t do that again,” and have that be the end of it, you know? Not everything is a huge deal; sometimes our spouses or partners mess up, and we ask them not to do it again, and they don’t. I’ve been married for over twenty years–very happily–and that’s one thing I’ve/we’ve learned: not everything has to be a big issue or fight, and you don’t always have to “win.” Sometimes it’s best to just let things go, especially if your husband is generally a good, loving, open husband. Everyone makes a mistake once in a while. No one is perfect. And marriage is a learning process.

        It also might be worth moving on, and not coming back to the “It hurt me specifically because you thought I would be mad about it, and hid it so as not to anger me,” until next weekend or whatever. Something else I have learned: my husband and I don’t fight often (maybe once a year, if that), but when we do, it can turn into a real slide down an ugly rabbit hole, and at some point one of us has to just say, “This is done, we’re going to stop this fight, return to neutral corners, and move on with our day, unless we want to start packing bags.” When we revisit the topic of the fight hours later or a day or two later, it’s nearly always easily resolved by a “I’m sorry I phrased it that way, I didn’t mean to,” “That’s okay, I don’t know why I took it so badly, I guess I was in a mood already,” and it’s done. Right now, you are “so upset” that you’re having a hard time articulating, and I’m betting he is somewhat the same and feels attacked for making the purchase. If you can both just chill for a few days and not bring it up, maybe do some physical things married couples do to bring some closeness and warm feelings back, then I bet when you discuss it again, you will both be calm and rational and can have a good, less-emotional talk about it, and it will be much easier to articulate your side and see his.

        Of course, if he regularly hides things from you, that’s different, but it sounds to me more like this is a one-time thing, and he maybe explained himself badly to begin with.

      2. allathian*

        Muchly posted later what it was, a shotgun. A lethal weapon. I know that people have varying opinions about gun ownership, but I think this discussion would’ve been a bit different without trying to muddy the waters by not saying what it was.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I can understand why the poster might not want to mention it as people’s opinions on gun ownership might affect their answers when that isn’t really the issue here.

        2. More information needed*

          I can understand not wanting to open up a debate about gun ownership on a site primarily frequented by Americans, sure, but the fact that it’s a gun is ABSOLUTELY relevant. Guns are in the same “two yes, one no” category as kids and pets. You don’t acquire one without everyone in the house wanting to have one in the house.

          I see from the update that you’re going to counselling, OP, which I think is the right call. Hope the counsellor can give you and your partner some good strategies for communication and rebuilding trust.

    15. Ampersand*

      I don’t think you need to explain yourself better. He knows what you’re saying and doesn’t want to admit he’s in the wrong, or apologize, so he’s placing the blame on you. If you have said this to him: “I do NOT care he spent the money, but that he quietly bought a cat because he thought I’d object,” then you’ve been clear. If you want to elaborate you could follow up with: And I’m disappointed/hurt/angry/annoyed/frustrated (whatever you’re feeling).

      This would be a red flag for me after having been in a relationship with someone who behaved similarly–so I would ask myself: does he usually behave this way? Or was this a one-time judgment lapse? I’d be more willing to forgive the latter. If it’s the former then it’s time for some reflection and a serious conversation. No one is perfect, but it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner doesn’t apologize when you find out they purposefully hid something from you that they really shouldn’t have.

    16. JSPA*

      “I buy things that are for me, and that you’ve never expressed interest in. I expect you to do the same for you. But having you decide for me that I’m now a dog person, despite our in-depth cat discussions 4 years ago, makes me feel railroaded, misunderstood, edited out of the dialogue, and generally treated like chopped liver, and like you thought all my input years ago was incidental to the process, or window dressing for something that mattered only to you.”

      “Our relationship has two main characters, not a main character and a supporting character. Nobody likes being treated like a sidekick, let alone an extra, in their own life, and that’s how I’m feeling now.”

  12. Anonymous Cat*

    Do you remember how when covid lockdowns started and people were trying to find ways to have human contact that there were some websites for conversation? (Regular conversations, not sex chats. )

    People could go online and find people to just talk to.

    Do those still exist? I was looking for them recently but all I could find were sites to practice foreign language skills.

    1. Tib*

      There’s one that’s called something like lunch. I’ll look it up when I’m at my computer, but this might spark someone else’s memory. I think there’s also a coffee chat one, but it might just be part of a professional association.

  13. Take 2*

    Six years ago I got a breast reduction. It was great! But I didn’t go as small as I wanted because I was afraid to speak up. I went from HH to DD. Still a big difference! But now I am unhappy again. I am wearing more unisex/mens style clothing and not happy with the way they are fitting even with a sports bra or binder. I only own a single bra with cups. I want to have a smaller chest. But last time I had a very hard recovery and stayed with my parents for two weeks post surgery. That is not possible this time around. Not to mention the cost. I also worry it won’t actually make me happy—I can’t decide if I want top surgery or just another reduction (I identify as genderqueer—also new as of 6 years ago). Has anyone else been here? Any wisdom to share?

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Can you identify the aspects of your recovery last time that were “very hard”? Would those things apply this time as well? If so, are there different things you could do, with your knowledge, that would make the recovery easier? How much does it matter to you to if you have another “very hard” recovery, if you then have the shape you want – is it a price worth paying?
      I am imagining, could be wrong!, that the first reduction was at least partly to alleviate back and shoulder pain etc – and I am assuming that this reduction would be classified as more cosmetic than medical, how does that affect its availability and cost, do you have to convince your surgeon that you need this psychologically etc.
      Seems like talking to a counsellor about all this is in your future – are there “top surgery” counsellors available to you, or online information that you can access? Support groups for people who have had top surgery? Whatever your decision, I think it will be reassuring and helpful down the track for you to know that you did a lot of research beforehand, I hope you will find supportive people to talk to! Best wishes, Lizzie

      1. JSPA*

        Gender confirmation surgery is, per the AMA, essential, specifically if it’s needed to deal with gender dysphoria (which can, after all, itself be extreme enough to be fatal). google, AMA How gender affirming surgeries have been impacted by the pandemic for a recent overview. Furthermore, I’ve recently seen stats that well over half US insurers are (therefore) now on board with it being essential surgery, in that context.

    2. WS*

      Are the factors that made the last recovery bad ones that are likely to happen again?

      Definitely sort out in your head if you would be okay to still have breasts, just smaller ones, because the pathways to getting breast reduction surgery are not the same as top surgery. Do you feel better in yourself wearing a binder?

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If you get top surgery, I know that there’s at least one place in Florida that serves as a rehab for people getting top surgery, where you get to stay with other folks going through the same thing and the staff are also part of the community. It costs, but maybe it could work?

    4. NotARacoonKeeper*

      My reduction was a couple of decades ago, and I was 17, so not as educated about the procedure as I would be now, but my understanding from mine and friends’ surgeries is that there isn’t a lot of leeway in your post-surgery size. I’ve heard it as basically you get to choose if you want to be on the bigger side or the smaller side of the reduction range, but not much else, because of the nature of the construction of the internal tissues. (I chose smaller, but it was likewise still not small enough for me! I had been thinking about another reduction from my D/DDs, but will not be doing that for unrelated medical reasons). So, I’m not sure if there’s another reduction possible (unless you’ve grown since your previous one, and it would be a return to that smaller size?).

      I wonder if getting your clothes tailored might be middle step to explore for now? DDs are hard to fit in a lot of styles of clothes, so maybe getting the clothes you like to fit you better will help you explore where the dissatisfaction is for you.

      (I also occasionally fantasize about a double masectomy. I identify as a woman but pretty agnostically so…just imagine not carrying those things around! Dreamy)

    5. Jane but with ADHD*

      It was about 20 years before my 2nd reduction, and I am so glad I did it! I didn’t have gender-related issues to grapple with. Boobs weren’t HUGE like the 1st time, of course, and I was good with my original results. But I finally knew what I wanted with my body. I have a few thoughts based on my experience (which is obviously different from yours, and YMMV).

      1. The recovery was MUCH easier for me this time (though I still stayed with family for about 5 or 6 days) because:
      a. The surgery itself required smaller incisions comparatively.
      b. I set my physical environment up better ahead of time. (No heavy briefcase or backpack for work, left heavy things out in the kitchen so I didn’t have to lift them out of cabinets, etc.)

      2. It’s expensive between the surgery, a couple of days off work, and new clothes. But I paid the doctor in full up-front to get a discount.

      3. For years I didn’t think I’d be able to fit the recovery in my life, but suddenly I found I had the right combination of life- and work-responsibilities. It might not be something you can do right now, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen in the near future.

      4. I recommend some (online?) therapy in the meantime and meditation! I worked for years to be happy with myself and my life without tying that to how I felt about parts of my body. Then I was surprised by how much I LOVED the surgical results. I think it’s because I decoupled my body from my self esteem.

      5. I agree with the other comment about tailoring clothes until you decide on surgery. That can be expensive and not everyone can afford it. Maybe start by replacing current “soothing” or “coping” spending with tailor costs in your budget.

      6. I hope you find peace and the chest you want! Body issues, gender stuff, finances – none of that is easy! If you feel overwhelmed, that’s totally understandable, and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you! Anyone would struggle with this. I’m sending you support and encouragement!

    6. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Hi! I also identify as genderqueer-shading-into-transmasc-curious. I can’t speak to personal experience with surgery, but a few years back a friend of mine did it and basically beforehand just made a google doc schedule and asked, like, everyone he knew to sign up for shifts to help care for him during his recovery (make food, do laundry, etc). It worked out pretty well, in that people could pick what sorts of tasks/time commitment they felt comfortable with. It is definitely a strategy that requires a large group of friends and acquaintances, not to mention the chutzpah to make such a big, specific ask– and I realize not everyone has those resources. Also, this was a pre-covid era, so that may affect your comfort level with lots of people coming around to your place every day.

      Aside from all that, I’ve definitely found twitter has been an incredibly helpful resource as just a place for learning more about how other nb/gq/gnc folks are navigating *gestures vaguely at body* everything.

  14. Not A Manager*

    My very dear relative will be undergoing treatment for breast cancer. She wants comfy tops for post surgery and during radiation. Any recommendations for very soft, thin tops during recovery?

    1. RagingADHD*

      How does she like to look? Does she have any preferences on type of top? What size range does she wear? How old is she?

      1. Not A Manager*

        I don’t think she cares much about appearance. It’s not for work or anything. She wants a comfortable long or short sleeved tee shirt. I think she’s looking for soft and smooth.

    2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I did that four years ago. I just wore a comfy old stretchy bra and whatever top was handy, sweatshirt or sweater (it was late fall). Once my skin started getting a little dry, I started wearing cheap men’s white tank undershirts under my bra to keep the heavy-duty moisturizer off my clothes. A small person could do it without a bra. I never burned enough to have to wear anything more accommodating. I’d show up for my early morning appointment each weekday, they’d call my name a few minutes later, I’d hit the changing cubicle to switch to a nice heavy cotton wrap robe, head to the zap chamber, they’d line me up, zap zap zap, change tops again, and I’d be out in about five minutes. Oh, some places use dot tattoos and others use sharpies with tape over them for alignment mapping, so she needs to be prepared for small stains – another reason to use the cheap tank tees. I don’t think any radiation place would get her wear her own top during the zaps.

      2. Ins mom*

        Highly recommend the mens tank top undershirts. The radiation techs recommended to me many years ago

    3. Asenath*

      My rad onc said blithely that I didn’t have to wear a bra, no one would care – so I stopped wearing my bras (and I am not a small-breasted woman) and wore loose, 100% cotton tops everywhere, even at work. I’ve always sworn by 100% cotton for comfort, and I think loose fit is more important than style or thinness, especially under the circumstances. I bought T-shirts from Woman Within (online, a part of FullBeauty) – they have several styles called “Perfect” in a very wide range of sizes, colours, and sometimes patterns. I also followed her (the rad onc) very simple recommendations for cream during radiation, and it all worked great in avoiding discomfort.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I bought 3 LL Bean camp shirts, as I normally wear pullover tops and raising my arms over my head was not going to work. (So I wore them immediately post surgery, and then on days with medical appointments, and they now hang in my closet as a talisman.) I don’t see the exact style on their website, but it’s a light button front shirt.

      Related rec: The radiation center gave me a heart shaped pillow (clearly sewn by a volunteer) to tuck under my arm when the burn started, and I pretty much kept it constantly in place once the burn came in. It really helped to not be brushing the burned area with my arm.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Thanks for these tips! Can you tell me the approximate dimensions of the small pillow? That sounds both useful and loving. I’d like to make one for her.

        I’m assuming that it’s quite small, like about a rolled washcloth? Just to keep the arm from brushing the breast?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Pillow: Shaped like a standard heart, but the dip in the top is more hollowed out to leave more space for your arm.

          Mine is about 11 inches wide, 3 inches thick, bottom point to middle distance is 8″, bottom point to top of each upper curve is 11″. It is very squishy, not firm. So a little closer to a rolled up hand towel in size, but much softer. In place tucked under my arm, my elbow is just above the bottom point, which I imagine is behind the dimensions.

          Googling “heart-shaped pillow breast cancer radiation” brings up several that look similar to mine, so you can probably find a pattern online. It’s a very simple design.

      1. Global Cat Herder*

        Niece also had a hard time with waistband chafing. She wore loose cotton sundresses with flannel shirts over them.

    6. RosyGlasses*

      I don’t have personal experience with this brand but when I was looking for items for a friend in the same space I stumbled on eileenandeva dot com. They are a brand of clothing wear that are specific to breast cancer patients.

    7. JSPA*

      High spandex bike tank shirt, maybe? If there’s visual heathering or other effects, or if they just look adequately sporty, they can be worn without a bra, and provide extra gentle support. Probably less supportive, but Calida makes a tank top, too.

      I give high marks for more built in pockets (chemo brain is real) and for something seamless enough to fall asleep in it after (exhaustion is the default).

    8. Observer*

      LandsEnd used to have really soft and smooth cotton tops. I generally don’t wear tee-shirts or polos, so I don’t know if they’ve kept up on the quality, but I think it would be worth looking at. They are not cheap, but the sale items can be quite reasonable.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Cotton undershirts and flannel shirts got me through mastect0my recovery. Shirts that button in front are a must if your relative is restricted in arm movement. I prefer button-fronts for all my appointments. Due to the post-surgery numbness, I don’t recommend anything that binds or rubs. It’s too easy to damage the skin and not know it until you look in a mirror.
      Note: if she’s having radiation, find something to cover the arms as they can become cold during treatment. Some women wear cut-off wooly tights on their arms for this.
      These days I wear loud-pattern shirts in public so I don’t have to wear anything underneath. Hey, it’s summer!

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Hmmm, I was originally told to wear a sports bra after lumpectomy for some compression, but there are other options too. If you google “bra after lumpectomy,” (or “bra after mastectomy”), you can see a bunch of comfy options. I did like bras that opened in the front after the lumpectomy.

      Seconding the advice to have some soft but cheap tops that you don’t mind getting moisturizer all over. They had me using this thick Cerave moisturizer during radiation.

    11. Random Biter*

      Be absolutely sure she’s not using underwire bras. It was a hassle as being a big breasted gal for awhile the only ones I could find that could wrangle the girls were sports bra which usually shoved me into a kind of uni-breast situation. Yeah, not a good look. But there are some good, soft wireless bras out there, the only down thing I found was that usually the straps are a kind of stretchy material with no structure or adjustment gizmos. Those straps had a tendency to curl and stretch out.

      Oh! And no aluminum containing anti-perspirant/deoderants!

      Target had some super soft men’s tshirts in a lot of different colors that I bought scads of (of course I can’t remember the brand name.)

  15. Internet Commenter*

    How do you react when somebody does something so out of line that it leaves you speechless, and continues pushing it farther and farther albeit you already cringe at the beginning of it?

    Recent example: there is an open internet forum whose members sometimes organize an informal meeting in person. One of the long-term participants, Ann, has spotted in one discussion that Brenda is organizing a meeting in a pub in her area (which is at about 100 km distance of Ann’s), tagged as “the meeting of City B. and its friends”. Ann then opens another discussion basically reprimanding Brenda for not announcing the meeting publicly and for leaving her, Ann, out of it. Brenda then counters that: she did mention the meeting in an open discussion and it was not her intention to leave anyone out but assumed that due to the distance the meeting would be interesting mainly to locals, but that of course if Ann or anyone else wants to come, please send Brenda a mail and Brenda will send back the time and place of the meeting, as she does not want to publish it freely for security reasons. Brenda does this in a normal, non-confrontational way.

    Ann insists that it was awful from Brenda to not announce the event publicly, that she, Ann, does not really mean to come (!) but that she feels slighted that she was left out, and starts mocking Brenda’s security reasons. Then Claire chimes in also reprimanding Brenda, stating she feels “slighted” and announces a date of her own meeting.

    Brenda stays calm and offers Ann, Claire and everyone else that if they want, they can send her a mail and she will send them back the instructions.

    I know that it is JUST internet and that it is possible (and probably the best thing) to stay completely out of it, but it bugs me that in my opinion, Ann and Claire are acting enormously and stupidly entitled, and almost no one seems to call them out for it (in such a case they become aggressive and it is difficult to call them out and remain calm) . And then they come back and comment on a different topic and people discuss with them as if nothing happened.

    They and their behaviour are the reason why I am not an active member of this forum years ago, because if I spotted such behaviour I always tried to call it out, but ended in endless absurd “below-belt” discussions and I found it very difficult to remain fair and not do anything that could be rightfully seen as “below belt”.

    What was most difficult to handle for me was that after many scenarios of that nature Ann and Claire still seem respected members of the forum – if I did a tenth of what they are doing I’d be crawling under a stone, but people keep interacting with them as if nothing happened, so in my eyes, they are getting away with it.

    My solution was to leave the forum as I considered the atmosphere toxic and I was unable to let certain behaviour go, but then I was seen as the troublemaker rather than what was in my eyes the real troublemaking.

    Do you think there is a different solution to deal with such people, or that the only possibility is to run?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Yes, there is a different way to deal with people like that, which is the way Brenda is handling it. She is doing her own thing, being polite, and ignoring their nonsense.

      You are 100 percent correct that Ann and Claire are acting entitled and stupid. And if you are fed up with them to the point that the forum isn’t fun or helpful, it is sensible to stop visiting, either for a break or permanently.

      I’m not sure how you would be a “troublemaker” for not visiting a forum, unless you made some kind of big dramatic flounce announcement. I hope not because that’s Ann & Claire type behavior.

      Forums with folks like Ann & Claire tend to dwindle over time or spiral in on themselves and implode. The sensible people find somewhere else to hang out, and eventually only the people who like Ann & Claire (or like arguing with them) are left. If the Brendas have their own space, they can keep it going for a while, but eventually they split off and take their crowd with them because it’s too much work dealing with Ann & Claire and their buddies.

      1. Internet Commenter*

        “Troublemaker” in the sense I call out their bad behaviour by naming it as such.

        And I must confess that were I Brenda, I would be most willing to send the direction to anyone including Ann and Claire, but BEFORE this stupid entitled conversation took place. Then I would have no interest to meet them, which would possibly create some drama too. I think the most gracious thing would be what Brenda did (kept offering to invite them anyway), but I confess that I do not have her patience. I would feel that bad behaviour was rewarded (I was always polite to them and there were no repercussions although my blood would be boiling), and good behaviour punished (I would have to deal with stupid accusations and apparently they do not even realize what they are doing wrong).

        If they wanted to participate after that debate, I’d be prone to extricate myself from it, stop organizing it and not attend because I would not be able to act around them as if nothing happened (as I know them they would not only not apologize, but try to make “fun” of my manner of organizing it).

        1. RagingADHD*

          Wow. Okay, do you see what you’re doing? Now you’re getting hot over stuff that *would* happen in an imaginary scenario.

          And framing this as some kind of cosmic “good is punished and evil rewarded!!!!” scenario.

          It ain’t that deep. A couple of strangers are being dumb on the internet. The other folks who see them being dumb don’t care.

          Let them. If you hate it this much, put a site blocker on your phone and stop reading it.

          Go outside and touch grass.

          1. fposte*

            I heartily agree. This is XKCD’s “someone is wrong on the internet.” Someone will always be wrong on the internet–sometimes it will be you, or me, or Brenda, as well as Ann and Claire. The advantage to pushing back the keyboard and doing something else is it helps shrink the drama to an appropriate level rather than feeling like you’re in the middle of a shouting match. Because you’re not. It’s a teeny piece of life; don’t let it take up more mental space than it deserves.

        2. Russian in Texas*

          I think you are getting way over involved in the drama that doesn’t not even personally involve you, and with the people who are not your actual friends.
          It’s just internet. People being stupid on internet is normal.
          I advise you step back, and maybe just leave the forum all together.

          1. Internet Commenter*

            You are right – I probably became much more invested than it was healthy for me.

            My reasoning was – if someone acts hurtfully I should somehow interfere otherwise I am sort of participating in it. If there is someone on the forum bullying me and everybody else acts as if nothing is happening (or even reprimand ME if I push back), it is not pleasant although it is just internet and not real life, and I did not want to be the indifferent one if others were bullied.

            The forum has a moderator but by far not efficient as Alison here, who would immediately stop any bullying behaviour even before asked.

            1. RagingADHD*

              The other participants on that site also have agency and are there by choice. Presumably they are all adults.

              They don’t need you to monitor their digital lives and protect them. They could log off, too. Or get real help in real life if they are suffering emotionally.

    2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      I know this is the non-work thread but for me, since moving into a management role 2 years ago, my life has been a continuous process of learning that you *cannot change other people*. Every week something happens that makes me want to STOP person X from DOING THAT EGREGIOUS THING and I have to take a step back and remind myself that I can’t make anyone do anything. It’s become a useful catch for me – as soon as I find myself thinking “How can I make Cecil [stop/start] doing that thing?” I repeat to myself: You can’t make anyone do anything.

      Reading that back I sound annoyingly Zen and I am not like that at all. In your place I would probably deal with Ann and Claire by talking the ears off any uninvolved friends who were willing to listen to me and/or ranting at them in my head, but I would also try to distance myself from it and let it go by reminding myself I cannot stop their bad behaviour. I just can’t.

      Good luck! It sound exhausting.

      1. Internet Commenter*

        Thank you, this is helpful. I understand that in a management role this is different because it can sometimes be within your responsibilities to make Cecil stop, but in peer positions you are right that there is often really not much you can do.

        I can hear the petty voice in the back of my head saying: how is it possible that someone gets away with like 20 times of what I possibly will get away with? Possibly I am like the Pharisee to Ann and Claire’s tax collectors from the Bible :-)

    3. Irish Teacher*

      I really think this is a “pick your battles” issue. Yeah, Ann and Claire are being stupid and entitled and annoying, but…I do think Brenda is handling it really well and to me, it seems like the kind of issue that is best dealt with by giving it as little attention as possible. “OK, if you want to come, I’ll send you the details…next topic”.

      I really doubt they are respected members of the forum. I’d imagine you are far from the only one who rolls their eyes when they see them post and wonders “oh, heck, are they going to start more drama now?” but I think that usually replying to each topic separately is the right thing to do. I’ve been on a lot of forums where there is somebody I think annoying or dramatic or difficult but…when they post something reasonable, I reply to that reasonably. It doesn’t mean I respect them, just that each topic is different and being wrong 9 times out of 10 doesn’t mean I shouldn’t listen on that one time in ten when they DO say something worth listening to.

      I think some possibilities other than to run (which isn’t a bad one either, especially if Ann and Claire are dominating the forum) are to remain away from it for a couple of days until this blows over and then return or to avoid threads that Ann and Claire start monopolising and just interact with the forum members you get on with.

      Some people trive on drama and on portraying themselves as a “victim” and sometimes by arguing with them, you are just giving them what they want (I know it’s hard to stand back and see them essentially bullying somebody without saying something though. I think sometimes you can do something like commenting to thank Brenda for all the work she has done arranging this or something, to let her know she is valued and make up a little for the hassle she has had to deal with, without putting all the focus on them.)

      Personally, I wouldn’t worry about them getting away with it. They are adults. It’s not my job to teach them how to behave.

      I’m not saying you should never speak up or call people out on poor behaviour, but I’d say it’s generally something best kept for serious things and it seems like Brenda has a pretty good handle on this and the issue is dealt with. I think most people don’t speak up EVERY time they think somebody has behaved badly, only when they either thing it is something very serious (ongoing targetting somebody, racist or sexist behaviour, threatening behaviour, etc) or when it affects them personally or when it seems like the person it’s directed at is upset and needs some support. So I wouldn’t assume that because others aren’t speaking up, they respect Ann and Claire. It’s more likely they just think their behaviour doesn’t reach that level and is more on the “roll eyes and scroll past their nonsense” level.

      1. Hostabilities*

        As someone who used to work on online forums as a moderator, I suggest reaching out to the moderator/organizer if there is one, and outlining how disruptive and unpleasant this behavior is and how it is the sort of thing that makes you want to leave the forum.

        Moderators usually are there to make participants work well together and *want* to increase the reach of the forum so they have a reason to step in. There are lots of things they can do if they want: they can talk to the Broken Stair people privately, they can create rule(s) around meetups, or they can validate Ann and Claire. And if they choose to validate Ann and Claire you know that leaving may be your best choice.

        As Allison would say: you may not know what, if anything, they do since they will need to be discreet and will probably do things behind the scenes. But if enough people comment that X behavior is killing their community (as Allison would say: if enough of you comment as a group, or in this case comment on the same behavior) they will need to act, or accept that Ann and Claire are running the show.

        Good luck, I hope things can work out so the online community can be enjoyable for everyone.

        1. Internet Commenter*

          Thank you both for your kind comments.

          You are right that my problem in this was that I did not pick my battles – I interfered whenever I felt Ann and Claire were acting stupid, and although I think they really were it was possibly too much.

          As I mentioned, the forum has a moderator but a fairly impredictable one – sometimes she reacts immediately, sometimes she ignores a problem for weeks.

          I think I took addressing Ann and Claire on the forum as a sort of training for real life – I have met only a few people like them in reality, but they always left deep unpleasant traces and I had no clue how to deal with them, and I must confess I still don’t. I felt their behaviour as a deep injustice and did not understand how people could interact with them above the bare necessary minimum. The only thing I was able to do to counter that was to avoid them overall (both in real life and now also in the Internet), and I am wondering whether it was indeed the only solution or if there is some other secret of dealing with Annes and Claires of this life.

          1. fposte*

            I’d say the main secret is that you’re not usually in a position to change Anne and Claire and that making it your mission to do so is going to cause more issues for other people in a group. It will also depend on the situation, the rules, etc.–an in-person family reunion is a different calculus than Facebook, and so on.

            In general, I lean toward a weigh in rather than a wade in. A “Wow, that was kind of mean” can be dropped and then you can hide the thread, walk away, whatever, because what you want to avoid is an ongoing public discussion about how That Person Is Totally Wrong/They Are Not. Lean on forum and venue protocols, IOW report to the mod where necessary and appropriate, or make suggestions or requests for discussion guidelines.

            But also be aware that what you might feel like you wanted–several other people chiming in to tell somebody they’re a problem–usually doesn’t end up being good for a group. That revs up everybody’s heart rate and leads to more arguing, and the people who just wanted to have peaceful get-togethers will hit the exit. I support Brenda’s way–she’s doing what she wants, she’s not feeling obliged to respond to or placate ridiculous objections, and she’s therefore not spending time arguing with unreasonable people.

            1. Internet Commenter*

              You are probably right, and I am probably repeating myself but it is difficult for me to see behaviour I hate and do nothing.

              1. fposte*

                I understand that. Maybe you can work on reframing “do nothing” as “prioritize your energy” or something similar? Because usually you’re not changing the behavior you hate, you’re just adding to the negativity for other people and yourself. If you want to take action, you’ll likely have a greater effect by actively engaging in good, community minded behavior in response. So maybe every time you see somebody behaving in a way you don’t like, you say something sincerely (not passive-aggressively) kind to somebody else, or you donate to charity.

                And a bit of a cautionary note. A friend’s elderly mother gets fixated on this kind of thing, and it eats up her life (“But they’ve got to *learn*!”), to the point where her desire to rebuke people a glitch due to her own error fed her into scammers’ hands. (And of course she has subsequently sent the scammers a sternly worded complaint, which is sort of beautiful.)

                2. Despachito*

                  And the reframing is probably what I need, because rationally I know that it is eating me much more than it deserves, but I must resolve it on the emotional level to get rid of it.

      2. Internet Commenter*

        The fun thing is that I virtually never do this (i.e. call out what I perceive as bad behaviour) in real life. Sometimes because I do not really care, sometimes because I am frightened to do so.

    4. Asenath*

      I’d just let it go. Brenda seems to be handling it just fine, and I wouldn’t see it as my place to correct Ann and Claire unless they directed their actions towards me. I’ve walked away from many an internet forum over the years, but things like that just don’t bother me as much as they obviously do you. Sorry, that probably isn’t all that helpful.

    5. KatEnigma*

      Team choose your battles here. Call out discrimination, racism, etc. Issues of importance. Ignore this middle school drama. It’s not your circus…

    6. Ellis Bell*

      I think some of the things you want here are impossible. It’s not possible to change two people’s ways and personalities via internet comments. You imply that there’s a possibility of influencing them: you use words like “reward” and “respect” which are certainly reasons to be reasonable….. for people like you. You suggest that if people “call it out” they’ll avoid their behaviours, because you would… but you know from experience that they will simply escalate and flock to the drama buffet. They don’t see being called out as a reason to stop. That’s because reasons are for reasonable people! Ann and Claire are gonna Ann and Claire no matter what responses they get. People are ignoring the possibility of influencing them, because it’s not possible! You can put down the annotated handbook of how to influence the behaviour of others, because it won’t work here. That means it’s officially not your job. What that leaves you with is a decision of whether the space is well moderated enough for your blood pressure. Possibly it’s fine if you take breaks or mute annoying people. If you leave, just leave quietly without any announcements designed to change people or cause regret. Put your energies into something happy instead.

      1. Internet Commenter*

        This is basically what I did – I left the forum two years ago, that is, I stopped actively contributing but I continue reading it, and I have successfully resisted contributing. When I left, I was tempted to say “I am leaving because of Ann and Claire” but did not do it as it felt somewhat lame to me.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Yeah, I do myself always feel the itch to say something; I consider whether it can get through if I craft it well enough; saying something very brief, unassailably polite and yet assertive. However people like this live for the oxygen of being noticed, even briefly and politely, so I always bail on the idea too.

        2. Julia*

          Oh, I thought all of this happened recently! If it happened two years ago and you’re still carrying it around to the degree of being able to write detailed accounts of what happened in what order, it definitely seems like it’s past time to walk away and stop lurking there. It’s making you angry.

          1. Internet Commenter*

            No, the two years relate to the time when I stopped actively contributing to the forum.

            However, I continue reading it, and the episode I am describing happened the same day I wrote about it, so it is brand new.

    7. Internet Commenter*

      I find the comments of you all very helpful – I see where I was overdoing it, and the large and positive difference for me is that the comments acknowledge I was right in thinking that Ann and Claire were acting stupid – it sugars the pill that I was acting stupid in some way, too :-)

    8. Shiara*

      One thing that can sometimes help with the “must do something” itch is to privately reach out to the person you think is behaving well and graciously, not the people you think are being ridiculous. So a “hey, I just wanted to say how awesome it is you’ve put this meet together and let people know about it while being safety conscious” to Brenda in a private message can help someone feel supported, without actually involving yourself in and potentially escalating the drama.

      Note that I wouldn’t say anything about Anne or Claire at all. It’s quite possible this isn’t affecting Brenda at all the way it would you, and so trying to commiserate, etc could be very out of place.

      Sometimes it can be so easy to want to call out the bad behavior that we neglect to support and encourage the behavior we want to see more of.

  16. A.N O’Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    Not much for me these past two weeks, though I did successfully brainstorm myself out of a jam so that’s good.

    1. Maryn*

      Brainstorming yourself out of a jam is more than simply good–it’s great!

      I realized I’m past the halfway mark of this novel. I have the beginning and the end, but knitting them together with a great middle is si difficult. Every. Single. Time.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I decided to try to go to the library to write. I can’t seem to get my head in gear in this house. It’s usually difficult for me to write in public spaces, but this work has got to get done. I need to pick up a prescription today so I’ll probably pop over there and check out the space. I already called to see if they have free internet and they do.

      It’s right next to the gym and I’m really tempted to go back in to walk on the track, COVID be damned. I HATE not being able to exercise the way I want to. GRRRRR. That actually may be part of the problem.

      1. Cendol*

        I wanted to thank you for your replies on self-publishing in the past two work threads! Thanks for taking the time and giving such detailed responses. I’ve bookmarked your blog and some of the other recommendations.

      2. MBAir*

        Didn’t you go to the movie theaters to see the latest Spiderman when it debuted? (God knows that new Spiderman movies are never debuting to empty seats). And went to a convention?

        A half hour or hour on a treadmill at a gym (that may be sparsely populated and has the high probability that you won’t be next to people) seems like a way lower COVID risk compared to 3 hours in a full movie theater or 2 days at a crowded convention.

        1. No pineapple on pizza*

          Taking a walk outside is an even lower Covid risk, and has the bonus of being completely free.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Walking outside in this neighborhood isn’t great. The street is too short to get up to speed and there are hills going in and out that are actually painful. I prefer outside, but I need something flat because my knees are f*cked.

            I did find my Pilates DVD, though—I thought it was gone forever. Yay!

        2. Elizabeth West*

          *sigh*

          1. I stopped going to the gym during the big waves of COVID and before I was vaccinated. I used the track, not treadmills. Don’t really like that gym, tbh.

          2. I go to the movies during the day when barely anyone is there. If I’m working, I do it on Sunday mornings when everyone’s in church and wait a few days to a week for blockbusters. I have been doing this for years, way before COVID.

          3. Took my chances at the convention because professional development and networking. Caseloads in the area were fortunately low and I did not get sick. It was worth it. If they’d spiked again, I wouldn’t have gone.

    3. Cendol*

      On the professional front things are going surprisingly well! But I’ve made no progress whatsoever on a) my novella, b) my novel, c) these two fanfics I want to finish. I’m being pulled in a dozen different directions with new short story ideas too. I feel like I’m staring at a box of chocolates, unable to pick the one I want to eat first…haha.

    4. Bibliovore*

      I have not written in months. It is actually shocking to write that. I have no excuses except but have been prioritizing work/work when I know blocking out an hour a day for personal writing is the way to go.

    5. My heart is a fish*

      Pretty rough. I’ve got a plot point that hinges on the miserable failure of a relationship conversation, and I’m having the world’s worst time getting the whole scene to flow naturally. Trying to write a character whose personality and conversational style are far off from mine is a real challenge.

  17. The Prettiest Curse*

    Tell me some of your favourite headlines! (Newspaper article, blog post, advice column etc.) Headline writing is a much under-rated art, so I love seeing it done well.

    A few of my favourites:
    Any AAM headline which contains the words “and now there is drama”, because that’s a sign that the letter will be entertaining to read.

    Boris Johnson has been a terrible Prime Minister, but has inspired some great headlines in the tabloids, most recently:
    PM TURNS UP FOR MEETING (this was a shocker because he’s barely making an effort during his last month on the job.)
    Also:
    BLOW FOR BOJO AS BRO JO GO GOES
    (Boris’s brother, Jo – who was a minister in his government – had just resigned.)

    And one Trump-related headline, from the Ayrshire Daily News (Scotland) after the 2020 election:
    SOUTH AYRSHIRE GOLF CLUB OWNER LOSES 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      ‘BEES ARE GOOD,’ OBAMA SAYS AS CHILDREN SCREAM

      It’s a Politico article from 2015 about bees interrupting a read-aloud at the White House and I have it bookmarked because I absolutely SOBBED from laughter the first time I saw it.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      The Scottish papers have a good line in them – there’s the famous back page ‘SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS’, and the Daily Record front page which some of the PhD students in my old job had on their door: I KICKED BLAZING TERRORIST IN BALLS

      1. Feline outerwear catalog*

        I’m reminded of the newseum website has a feature called “Today’s Front Pages” where they show newspaper headlines from different places. I used to go there and compare headlines for the same story. It’s fun to see which ones are more full of hyperbole etc.

    3. Emotional support capybara*

      Basically any article about Uranus, you just know the author has been waiting their whole life to write that headline.

    4. Nitpicker*

      I have several:
      From the New York Times: WHEN AN EEL CLIMBS A RAMP TO EAT SQUID FROM A SLAMP, THAT’S A MORAY
      From the 1948 U.S. Presidential Election: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. He didn’t and there’s a wonderful photo of Truman, grinning from ear to ear, holding up the paper.
      From the New York Daily News during the 1975 New York City financial crisis when President Ford said he would not support a bail out: FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD
      And, possibly apocryphal, from the New York Post: HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Re your last example: Not apocryphal! See this National Public Radio story: ‘Headless Body In Topless Bar’ Headline Writer Dies, June 9, 2015. Link to follow.

        That headline writer sounded like a real mentsch (Yiddish for “good person”).

    5. WellRed*

      Fun! From an old Woodstock article. “Hippies mired in mud.” From a Boston Hearld article about a big misstep bu unpopular Gov. Jane swift. “Jane erred.”

    6. fposte*

      I very much enjoyed a student newspaper’s headline about education: “Tenure protects teachers despite competence.” Dammit, if you can’t fire a teacher for being competent, what is the world coming to?

    7. ThatGirl*

      I used to be a newspaper copy editor and page designer. Back in the day one night the news came through that Tony Blair was facing a vote of no confidence, so I ran the story simply so I could write the headline “Labour’s love lost”.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          I once reworked someone else’s sentence to remove “male member.” Context was a discussion of men and women on staff in a particular business–nothing more, ahem, exciting.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        That’s awesome! I love headlines that play on titles, song lyrics or something else well-known, as several other commenters have also posted in this thread.

    8. Kittee*

      Oh thank you for this thread! Here’s one of my favorites of all time, from The Guardian a few months ago:
      “Ordure! Ordure! Canadian MP sorry for logging on to session from toilet stall”

    9. Double A*

      “Petite Fly from a Bright Guy,” an Economist article about a tiny drone. Economist headlines are 80% dad jokes but that was one of my favorites. But of course people writing for the Economist are elder millennials who grew up on 90s rock (the headline is a play on “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”).

    10. Other Duties as Assigned*

      My favorite from the Green Bay Press Gazette in 1991 in a story about how Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson was about to set a record for the number of line-item vetoes he was going to use on the state budget. The headline on page one was “Thompson’s pen is a sword.” The space between “pen” and “is” was standard, but it could still be hilariously misread. It’s still famous in journalism lore (it shows up in Google images).

      A few months later, a state official presented the Governor with a sword. In the 30-inch scabbard was a sword with the blade cut down to two and a half inches. The Gov got the joke immediately.

      1. VegetarianRaccoon*

        So it is just funny because they ID’d a famous rugby player by a small seasonal job in fast food, or did anyone else also read it as calling him an ex-fish, who fries chips only for a living? Because either way would be funny!

    12. beach read*

      My all-time favorite headline was on the cover of the Philadelphia Daily News, October 22, 1980. 2 giant words long.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        For those who don’t know, it was “WE WIN!”.

        Context: The Philadelphia Phillies had just won the World Series.

        1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

          Thanks for clearing this up. I was lost!

          Disclaimer: I live in the midwest, and I don’t follow sports.

      1. allathian*

        Ha! Way to put George Clooney in his place.

        I’m a fan of Richard Lederer’s Anguished English and its sequels. The funny headlines are guaranteed to make you laugh.

    14. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      My favorite is from tabloid-ish news channel Crónica TV
      “Conductor borracho casi causa una tragedia – Batman, único testigo” which translates to “Drunk driver almost causes a tragedy – Batman, sole witness”.

    15. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      “Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut”
      cracks me up every time.

      I love a good old-school well-crafted headline, but I don’t have any committed to memory (other than “Headless Body…”). I admire all of you who have these great headlines at the ready!

    16. Irish Teacher*

      Saw a somewhat interesting one today, along the lines of “Many who fought against Collins now advocate his ideals.”

      Collins was killed 100 years ago this weekend, which is the reason for the articles about him. Nobody who fought against him is likely to still be alive. I kinda get what they mean, that most people today would support certain views that were controversial at the time and honestly, by 1930, some of those who fought against him were advocating at least some of what he had (because the Civil War was completely stupid and the difference between the two sides negligible), but…

    18. Rufus Bumblesplat*

      A friend shared one recently that read “Elephant kills woman in India — then returns to trample her corpse at her funeral”.

    19. ecnaseener*

      If you don’t mind some examples from academic papers, there are some fun titles collected on the tumblr blog wtf-scientific-papers.
      “The effect of having Christmas dinner with in-laws on gut microbiota composition”
      “Defibrillate you later, alligator; Q10 scaling and refractoriness keeps alligators from fibrillation”
      “Why don’t zebras have machine guns? Adaptation, selection, and constraints in evolutionary theory”
      “The Autopsy of Chicken Nuggets Reads “Chicken Little””

  18. A.N O’Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including board games and phone games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying vaguely remembered games.

    I’m almost done with the Saladin campaign in Age of Empires 2, only have one mission to go before moving on to the next one.

    1. Jackalope*

      I managed to finish The Forgotten City and have been playing Fire Emblem Warriors – 3 Hopes. For the first I managed to get two separate endings, including the “canon” ending. For the second, I’m almost halfway through Scarlet Blaze. It’s kind of crazy and not a style of game I’m used to, but I’m still enjoying it.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I was and am obsessed with FE3H and am gradually warming up to the idea of Hopes. How does the gameplay compare? I haven’t done musuo (sp?) style games, although I am getting decent at Genshin’s realtime so there may be hope for me.

        1. Jackalope*

          The game play has some definite overlaps, although the style is different. Apparently the Warriors gaming style is killing a ridiculous number of enemies over and over again (hundreds each round, all at once it seems like). It does have a set-up that relates to the first one – the same classes for the most part, for example – but a bit simplified. (I found the simplification to be helpful actually since it laid out exactly how everything progresses in ways that work more easily than in the original.)

          I will say that FEW3H is definitely fan service for those who like FE3H. It’s got most of the same characters (as well as a few new ones; Monica is playable in this one for example), same voice actors, etc. The plot has some similar threads, but it’s something of a “what if” scenario: what if Byleth hadn’t gone to the monastery and things had gone differently? I’m personally enjoying it a lot, but I don’t know that I’d like it if I hadn’t played the first one. If you like the first one I’m guessing you’ll like this one too.

    2. Golden French Fry*

      Just finished Elden Ring last night. So bittersweet, it was my last hurrah before having a baby and thus reducing my gaming time for the foreseeable future. It was the greatest game I’ve ever played, so it was a good sendoff!

      What is everyone’s top 5 (or so) lifetime favorite games? Not necessarily the best from a critical standpoint, but ones important to you for whatever life reason. I think I’d rank Elden Ring, Skyrim, League of Legends, Dwarf Fortress, and Pokemon Sapphire.

      1. Jackalope*

        My top two would definitely be Fire Emblem Three Houses (which I’ve played more than any other game in my life since I love it so much) and Final Fantasy 2/4 (I originally knew it as 2 but somehow it’s also numbered as 4?). Beyond that there isn’t anything else that’s close to those two, but I’d also say Skyrim, Secret of Mana, and, oddly enough, Tetris.

        Just noticed that you said “games” and not “video games”, so a list of non-video games I love too. Pinochle would be at the top (we play it at every family get-together going back generations; I’ve heard stories of family members I never even met because they died before I was born and their playing styles), and now D&D (which I just started playing in the last few years), Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot, Taboo… Can’t think of a fifth one off the top of my head that is head and shoulders above the rest so I’ll leave it at that.

      2. Roland*

        Fun question! I’d say – Diablo 2, Sims 2, Jade Empire, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Fable. Other than Sims 2 they’re not necessarily the games I’ve spent the most hours on, but they represent are all some of kind of First or Best or Favorite.

      3. MEH Squared*

        Elden Ring is an amazing game! It’s my second-favorite FromSoft game, which means it’s my second-favorite game of all. Dark Souls III (FromSoft) is my favorite game ever. Night in the Woods (Infinite Fall) is my favorite non-From game with Spiritfarer (Thunder Lotus Games) not far behind. Rounding out my top five is Dark Souls, the original. Elden Ring is my GOTY, and it’s not even close.

      4. DarthVelma*

        I have to divide my faves into two eras – I’m an OG gamer from the days of arcades: My old school faves are Galaga, Gorf, Tron, Tempest, and Gyrus. :-)

        For console games: Diablo III and Toejam and Earl spring immediately to mind.

        On PC: Elder Scrolls, Destiny 2, Wolf Among Us, and Tales From the Borderlands. I also really loved Fortnite back before it got too big and they added bots and all the other bullshit.

      5. Finny*

        Shantae and the Pirate’s Curse (for DS systems and Switch)
        Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure (DS and soon for Switch)
        Okami-den (DS)
        Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom (Switch)
        Asha in Monster World (Switch)

    3. Kara Danvers*

      Really excited for Splatoon 3 to come out soon!

      I’ve been playing a lot of Fall Guys :)

    4. LimeRoos*

      Cozy Grove!!! I needed something to hit that Animal Crossing fix without the time suck. It is perfect and wonderful and magical. I really enjoy the pacing of the game, nothing feels urgent which is nice. I love art style and amount of customization for everything, even if it’s just buying a new wig there are hundreds of options (which of course you only see like 10 a day, but they at least exist). The bears’ stories are adorable and I can tell this is going to tug at the heart strings later on. Plus they’re all so weird in the best of ways.

      And of course Diablo still, cuz D2R is awesome.

      1. MEH Squared*

        Cozy Grove is a fantastic game. I got so engrossed in all the stories, and Spry Fox kept adding content. They’re making a sequel, and I could not be more excited for it!

    5. Lucien Nova*

      If you have an iOS device or a Mac, either subscribe to Apple Arcade or have a free trial of it available, and enjoy RPGs, I’m going to recommend Fantasian. I happened to pick this up a couple months back and it is honestly the best mobile game I’ve ever played – bar none – and even better than the great majority of console games I’ve played. It pairs beautifully with a controller too, if you don’t care for touch controls; I’ve synced my PS4 controller to my phone and both control schemes seem utterly flawless.

      (I may be recommending this game to everyone. :D I just love it That Much.)

    6. Alex (they/them)*

      I’ve been playing a lot of Spiritfarer later! It’s very cute and will make you cry.

  19. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! What is everyone reading? Any recommendations for books, or recommendation requests?

    I’m still making my way through The House of the Spirits. It was a tricky week and so I didn’t have as much time and mental space for reading, but I’m enjoying it so far.

    1. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

      I’ve been reading a lot on the kindle recently, but popped into a charity shop last week to pick up done physical books for holiday. We leave on Saturday (next week) – I have almost finished one of the three books!

      It’s ‘the Illusionists’ by Rosie Thomas (I think) and I’m really enjoying it. Set in a theatre in London in the 1800s. Going to look out for more of hers.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I haven’t had the headspace to progress with any of the books in my comment last week, so naturally, I bought another book – Free by Lea Ypi, about growing up in communist Albania. I heard good things about it, and when I saw it in a charity shop window for only £3, I took it as a sign (also, I needed to reward myself after a mildly upsetting doctor visit which was the reason I haven’t focused much on reading this week).

      Looking forward to your final take on The House of the Spirits when you reach the end!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading the next book in Robert McCammon’s Matthew Corbett series, The King of Shadows. I love the series, but there’s often three years in between each book being published, which makes it hard to remember what happened in the last book.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I read two from Alison’s recs.

      The Golden Couple, about two people and the counselor they see to try and repair their marriage after infidelity. Schemes and secrets and plots wiggling in all directions, and figuring out what’s a threat, what’s a coincidence, what’s something else, was really fun. Like Dava Shastri’s Last Day, not my usual thing but I enjoyed it.

      Hench in which a data entry henchperson takes on the world of superheroes. If anyone’s watched The Boys, very similar vibe. Or, if it bugs you when the hero is too “noble” to shoot the villain, but mowed through 200 mooks and bystanders to reach the villain, this could be for you.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I really enjoyed Hench (though it definitely has its grim parts). I hear there’s a sequel coming out, and will definitely be getting that!

        1. Ampersand*

          So happy to hear there’s a sequel in the works! I’ll have to keep an eye out for that.

      2. PhyllisB*

        This isn’t about reading per say, but does anybody else hate that book titles aren’t copyrighted? Using example in the above comment, I read a book titled The Golden Couple a number of years ago, but it’s not the one mentioned in this comment. (I don’t know the author of the one mentioned here, but the one I read is by Elin Hildebrand. If you like women’s fiction, it’s really good!!) Last year I saw three books titled Dashing Through the Snow. All entirely different styles of books. If I didn’t have my Goodreads lists to refer back to, I would miss books I want to read, thinking I’d read them already.

        1. Roland*

          I get the annoyance over authors choosing names that aren’t unique but I am SO glad they are able to do so because the alternative is even MORE copyright over totally everyday things and we have enough stupid copyrights already. Like, “dashing through the snow” is a line from Jingle Bells, I definitely don’t want some author to legally monopolize it. If authors lose readers because readers can’t tell them apart from the Christmas romances, so be it.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            My sequel is titled Confluence, which is the name of several books and a PM software. It actually has meaning related to the book—two rivers, two worlds, and two [no spoilies]. Titles are tough for me; I don’t want to change it and I don’t want to pay a royalty fee to use a common word.

            It’s not a good idea anyway. Look at Monster Cable. They sued everyone who wanted to use the word “monster” for anything and now they appear to be out of business.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I’m pretty sure if all books had to have unique titles, we’d have to resort to absolute gibberish or paragraph length titles. There are a lot of new books every year.

          But yeah, you really have to include the author for some book recs.

    6. WellRed*

      Having recently watched fictional series about both Adam Neumann and Elizabeth Holmes, I’m eye interested in Alison’s recommendation. Otherwise, I’ve struggled lately to find anything absorbing.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Several in progress, as usual, including:

      EVERFAIR by Nisi Shawl, a multi-viewpoint look at an alternate-history/steampunk version of the settlement of the Congo during the rule of King Leopold II of Belgium. The real-world history of that period featured appalling cruelty, some of which appears in the novel, but in the book there’s a much more hopeful community that winds up with the technology to fight back.

      CLASSIC MONSTERS UNLEASHED, a horror anthology themed on the classic monsters of film, with some intriguing re-imaginings of characters from the Wolfman to Dracula to the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Some are deliciously nightmarish, and some are extremely funny – good mix here! (One story examines the wolfman story from the viewpoint of the ancient and wise Maleva – with a very dark twist…)

      HOW HIGH WE GO IN THE DARK by Sequoia Nagamatsu, a science-fiction tale told from different viewpoints and over a long stretch of time, dealing with the effects of a global plague that originated from the thawing permafrost and a 30,000-year-old burial. It’s an often-heartwrenching tale, as most of the victims are children early on, and the effects are so horrifying that people take near-unthinkable steps – terrifying yet sympathetic. The story also includes massive technological struggles, to keep the victims alive, to find a cure – and to send spaceships out into the galaxy in hopes of finding habitable planets, in case the plague can’t be stopped.

    8. Paris Geller*

      I’m currently reading One of Us is Dead by Jeneva Rose. A group of four women who are definitely “frenemies” in a very rich neighbor deal with backstabbing, etc. (and I assume someone is killed based on the title, but the blurb doesn’t say and I’m not that far in it yet). So far I’m enjoying it!

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading “Mexican Gothic” and it’s great! I brought it camping and reading all these descriptions of creepy mushrooms while out in the woods made it extra spooky lol

      1. Bluebell*

        I loved Mexican Gothic, though for about a week or two afterwards, I thought twice when I cooked mushroom dishes!

    10. Jay*

      Just finished Lauren Groff’s “Matrix” and found it deeply absorbing and affecting, although I’m not at all sure I really understood it.

      Now trying to decide what to start next and leaning towards “The Kaiju Preservation Society” by John Scalzi because I’m isolating with COVID and while I’m not particularly ill, I’m also not in the mood for Serious Reading.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Kaiju is very light and easy reading. I think I finished it in a day and was actually a little disappointed at how easy a read it was (which is hilarious because I also wanted something that was easy on the brain.)

      2. slowlyaging*

        Jana Deleon just added a new book to her series Miss Fortune. I know if I read it, I will probably go back and read all the other 22 books. At least, this is what I do almost every single time, I read a new book from a series.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I have Kaiju but I haven’t started it yet. Let us know what you think. And feel better soon.

      4. Cpt Morgan*

        I LOVED Kaiju Preservation Society. It’s exactly what you’d think it’d be from the title of the movie: there are giant monsters, and explosions, and science, and snark! It’s not a literary great, but it’s also not trying to be. I think of it like my favorite superhero movie. Deadpool’s not winning an Academy Award, but hell if I don’t love it all the same.

    11. I take tea*

      I reread some Anne of Green Gables and tried to find The Blythes Are Quoted online. I didn’t succeed (except Kindle, which doesn’t always work where I live), but I found a new collection of L. M. Montgomery’s short stories on Scribd. It’s called After Many Years, and they are relatively newly discovered, which means they are not in the collections on Gutenberg.org, which I have read several times. To find new stories from an author I thought I had read almost everything by was a treat. The themes are familiar, of course, but she always have new twists on them.

    12. Bluebell*

      I finished Gabrielle Zevin’s Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow this week and thought it was great, even though I never play video games. Several months ago I tried to read The Start Up Wife but lost interest. I’m about halfway through Nate Anderson’s In Case of Emergency, Break Glass, which is nonfiction and deals with how to apply Nietzsche’s philosophy today. It’s good!

    13. RosyGlasses*

      I’m partway through “Rebel with a Clause” – a grammar nerd’s delightful journey across the U.S. putting out a Grammar Table and meeting lots of interesting people with grammar questions. The author has studied 25 languages FOR FUN. Plus, I’m learning fun things about grammar rules that I didn’t know before.

      Just started “The Ministry for the Future” which is nonfiction science fiction. On Barack Obama’s must-read list, and making me depressed about the state of our climate crisis. But engaging writing style so far.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Sooooooo I went to pick up a prescription and check out the library (see writing thread above) and I caved and got a card and checked out Paul Tremblay’s Survivor Song (super rabies rage virus epidemic apocalyptic fiction) pursuant to my resolve to read more and I can’t put it down. Rabies and pneumonic plague scare me way more than stupid COVID. I’ve been wanting to check out Tremblay’s work and this is a fun one.

      I didn’t want to get a card here, but I figured if I went ahead and did it, the universe would open a path out of the area and then the card would be useless, because that’s usually the way things go, lol.

      Still working my way through Elie Mystal’s and Malcolm Nance’s books. I usually have more than one going.

    15. Ampersand*

      I’m reading Dean Koontz’s new book The Big Dark Sky. I haven’t read any of his other books and chose this one on a whim. I like the story but some of his writing is driving.me.bonkers. He writes the longest sentences–he’s rivaling Dickens at times! Overall, I find his sentence structures somewhat questionable, and it’s distracting me from the story in places. Since this is his only book I’ve read I don’t know if this is typical of his writing or not. If anyone has opinions on Koontz’s writing please feel free to share!

    16. Rara Avis*

      A YA fantasy called An Ember in the Ashes (Sabaa Tahir) … and counting the hours until Laurie King’s new book, Back to the Gatden, is released (9/6).

    17. Josie*

      I just finished “The Boys”, which Alison recommended last weekend. Wow. It was surprising and good. It was all she promised.

    18. Searching*

      I just finished The Sharp End of Life by Dierdre Wolownick. She is the mother of Alex Honnold, the climber featured in the documentary Free Solo. In that film, he talked some about his family and how he never learned to hug as a kid, and alluded to some other family things that seemed odd to me. Reading Dierdre’s book, I learned more about the dysfunctional family dynamics in her own family growing up, as well as in the family she and her husband created (in which Alex and his sister grew up). Reading that gave me a little more insight into how Alex turned out the way he did. Interwoven in that story is Dierdre’s evolution and personal development later in life, in her 50s. I could relate to it at some level, because like her, I started running and climbing in my 50s. Of course she took it to much higher levels (literally and figuratively) than I did. But a lot of the experiences and feelings she described were very relatable. Really enjoyed Dierdre’s auto-biography!

      As an aside, I finally feel like I’ve fully emerged from the politics- and pandemic-induced mental fog of several years where I couldn’t really concentrate on books. I’m now back to actually reading & finishing many books again, and it feels great!

    19. OxfordBlue*

      One of my favourite writers on Kindle released a new book a couple of days ago so I’ve been completely immersed in that. It’s Dance of Redemption by Sarah Waldock which is the latest in a series she writes which are based in 17th century Poland and Ukraine. Definitely worth reading especially if you have Kindle Unlimited as all her books are included in that package too.

  21. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

    Baking thread:

    What’s everyone making this weekend? I’m thinking of doing Paul Hollywood’s whole wheat sandwich loaf and Nigella Lawson’s chocolate olive oil cake with homemade whip cream.

    1. mreasy*

      Not this weekend but soon – just saw Max Miller make bierocks on Tasting History and I want to invent a veg version with mushrooms.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I only recently discovered Tasting History and I’m enjoying it very much. I especially enjoyed his insights from being cruise staff into the Titanic experience.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I love Max Miller! His video on Victoria sandwiches made me want to whip up some of those.

    2. CTT*

      I risked it and bought bananas this week, and of course they over-ripened immediately with the heat, so banana bread muffins ahoy!

    3. Meh*

      Biscuit (American) recipe recs?
      My go-to is BA’s Best Buttermillk biscuits but I remember a long ago discussion that there were some other contenders. My requirements are fluffy and buttery :)

      1. PhyllisB*

        My favorite for years was Mary B’s Buttermilk Biscuits, but I saw a biscuit tasting on Facebook, and the winner of that one was Pillsbury’s Grands Buttermilk. The ones in the bag, not the tube. I tried them, and have to admit they were better.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Sorry, after I hit send I realized that you were asking for recipes, not prepared products. Sorry. Oh well,if you want a good biscuit without making from scratch,you have two good choices to try. :-)

          1. tessa*

            Not directed at me, but thanks for your post about the Pillsbury biscuits in a bag, PhyllisB; will check them out!

      2. merp*

        this is going to sound unlikely but the 2-ingredient never-fail biscuits from king arthur are honestly amazing, and take no work. equal weights self-rising flour and heavy cream, cut edges to help them rise, brush cream on the top. bake for (I think?) 10-15 mins at 375? might want to look that part up to make sure. but they are salty and buttery and fluffy and delicious.

      3. Books and Cooks*

        The recipe on the White Lily flour bag is pretty good, and I’ve got a good one I can write out if you’re interested. Both call for shortening, but you can use butter instead to make them more buttery. (I use a mixture of butter and lard, and sometimes throw in a little bacon fat, too.)

        Fluffiness is to a good degree dependent on handling. If you overknead or mix or handle them too much, they tend to be less fluffy, IME anyway. And they ride better (and are thus fluffier) if you set them on the baking sheet with their sides just barely touching. (It also helps to sift the ingredients together rather than stir.)

      4. Vanellope*

        I had a coworker send me the “Ridiculously easy buttermilk biscuits” recipe from the Cafe Sucre Farine blog, and I haven’t looked back. They do a sort of reverse butter mix method – you melt the butter and mix it into cold buttermilk, rather than cutting cold butter into flour. SO much easier, and they come out fantastic!

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      It’s August, so zucchini bread! My dear husband thought our zucchini plant looked lonely this past spring, so he popped in a few extras. We are now up to our eyeballs in zucchini! Thankfully, zucchini bread, cookies, fritters, soup, casseroles, etc all freeze well!

    5. PhyllisB*

      I made a banana cream pie yesterday for my son’s birthday. (My family generally asks for pies or cheesecake instead of cake.) It turned out really well. In fact, I think it’s the best one I’ve made in years.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      I’ve dived back into my gluten free books and yesterday made corn and gf flour soft taco tortillas. They were tricky to handle and a bugger to roll out but they were super tasty and quick. The rolling out issues meant they were disappointingly small and although flexible (which is a huge deal for gf wraps), the size meant they were not great for wrapping. The recipe really called for masa harina corn, which I didn’t have, I only had medium ground corn flour (the yellow flour not the white cornflour starch) but the blogger said she’d successfully subbed the masa harina with ground corn so I went ahead with it. The other tortilla recipes in the book are for all corn tortillas (just masa harina) or for tortillas made with gf flour and extra tapioca starch. So I may go ahead and buy the mass harina and tapioca and try again.

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Just made Maida Heatter’s sour cherry chocolate torte. It’s from her book of Great Chocolate Desserts. I’ve never had a fail from that book
      YUM

    10. Books and Cooks*

      The new (slightly) cooler weather is putting me in a Fall Baking mood, so I made a batch of chocolate orange cupcakes yesterday, and put black-and-orange sprinkles on top.

      Next week I might make a batch of pumpkin muffins. From this point on, it’s all “I make these every year” baking, leading up to the big December Christmas Cookie Extravaganza!

    11. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I made a gravel cake. It’s adapted from a pie recipe I found in a Mennonite cookbook several years ago. It’s basically all streusel, held together with sour cream, not too sweet. I layered it with apples and currants, and made a vanilla sauce to serve over it. I am so ready for fall foods!

    12. GoryDetails*

      A friend of mine told me she’s signed up for a multi-day baking course at King Arthur Flour’s Norwich VT location – she’s been a customer of their products for years (and got me hooked on them as well) and when she heard about the course she dropped everything else to sign up. (And promised to share samples when she gets home!)

    14. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

      Sultana cake! Made it yesterday after meaning to get around to it all week, and it’s delicious!

      I find my flour gets weevils really quickly so I might also do some cupcakes with what’s left.

      1. Engineer Gal*

        Try putting your flour in the freezer for 24-48 hrs when you bring it home-started doing this when we had meal moths years ago and have never had any since

    15. Lucien Nova*

      I made a chocolate and coffee flavoured cake with dark chocolate frosting for my parents’ 40th anniversary/taking to church fellowship today.

      It’s already over half gone. :)

    16. Random Biter*

      My boss was saying last week that he wanted to order a tres leches cake. Kind of surprised me because at my house tres leches is a not-a-big-deal-to-make cake. So I may do one this week and act like it was a huge big deal to bake :))

  22. Red Sky*

    Ugh, menopause, specifically hot flashes. How do you deal with them? Some days I’m getting them about every 2 hrs, which literally feels like I’m in hell when it’s 105 F. I’ve got a dr appt with my gynecologist, but it’s 2 months out and I just can’t anymore. Anyone take medication/hrt for them and how has it helped?

    Also, did you see an endocrinologist or ob/gyn? I feel like my ob/gyn is mostly focused on babies, nothing wrong with that, just not where I’m at, and maybe seeing an endo would make more sense?

      1. Red Sky*

        Thanks! And unfortuantely it looks like my PC is also booked all the way out to Nov. I’m assuming covid burnout and staffing issues is the reason because it wasn’t like this until 2022

    2. KatEnigma*

      Try to find an ob/gyn who specializes in not delivering babies.

      In the meantime, my mom refused all prescriptions and tried the whole plant estrogen route – aka she ate a lot of tofu.

      1. Red Sky*

        That’s so interesting, has she said if it helped? I do already eat a lot of soy due to dietary restrictions

        1. KatEnigma*

          It must have helped enough that she never did move to hormone replacement. Things like that I always figure at least won’t harm you and might give you some relief until you can get in to a doctor.

          Another thought is will either of your doctors see you via telehealth sooner? Hormone replacement isn’t one of those drugs where it would be dangerous to prescribe without seeing you in person.

          1. Red Sky*

            Unfortunately, in-person vs video appt doesn’t make a difference in appt availability. I am on the waiting list if anyone cancels tho

    3. I'm Done*

      You should be able to get an HRT prescription from your general practitioner, at least for the interim. I’ve been on HRT for the last six years and love it. Not a hot flash in sight. Also really helped with my irritability. I use an estrogen patch and take progesterone.

    4. fposte*

      I think I got my HRT initially through an OB/GYN. I agree that somebody less obstetrically focused is preferable but they may be hard to come by. It worked great; I had no issues with anything but hot flashes about every 20 minutes and it took care of them.

      There’s a risk/reward metric with HRT dependent on a few different things, like age of onset, duration of therapy, etc. I went off it a couple of years ago after maybe 7 years. My symptoms have definitely decreased since the onset of menopause. I regret to say that they are hugely dietarily influenced by things I really enjoy. Caffeine, sugars (I used maple syrup on oatmeal for a week’s breakfast this spring and that was enough to kick symptoms up again), etc. affect it a lot for me. I’m okay with making a tradeoff at this point, since the symptoms are milder, but it may be a direction you want to explore if you have to wait a while for an appointment.

      (Can you message your PCP or OB/GYN and ask about an HRT script if they already know you’re menopausal? My PCP will do some prescriptions for me sight unseen because I’m already on the docket for the future and she’s seen me in the past.)

      1. tomato*

        can you say more about the dietary influence: sugars, etc? I’m off HRT after 5 years (that’s the recommendation where I live). I wake up nearly every night at 4 am very warm, and can’t manage to get back to sleep till 6. Very disruptive. I know about the phytoestrogens in tofu, but am interested in the sugar connection. I think I was being helped as much by the progesterone as the estrogen.

        1. fposte*

          I have no idea what the science behind it is, and I love sugar so this isn’t coming from somebody particularly kale-centric. But I noticed whenever I had a Crohn’s or SIBO flare and couldn’t eat sweet stuff (sob) my flashes would start to die down, and they’d stay that way until I resumed my more enjoyable diet. Complex carbs may factor in there a little but not nearly as much, since I eat a lot of pasta and bagels when the gut is acting up. For me it takes at least a week to see the effects from swerving the stuff. You could experiment and see whether it does anything for you.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Sugars did it for me, too. Cane sugar is the worst for me. But too much natural sugar can also bring some problems. And it’s not just hot flashes, it’s also other discomforts, such as headaches and body aches.
          When I gave up synthetic sugars I got rid of most of my panic attacks. Getting rid of gluten helped with vertigo and in turn also took away more panic attacks that came with the vertigo.

          I am sure google will help you find some long winded explanation. But at that time, I needed help right away and did not have bandwidth to research it. Once I saw it was working, I really felt I had no need to research it. So that’s my excuse for not having a good explanation.

          1. Imtheone*

            I don’t consume any sugar and few carbs. Still have hot flashes, but fewer since being on HRT.

            A cool pillow helps. And a fan. When I was staying in a no AC apartment, I opened the freezer to help. They say cooling your head helps a lot.

            Summers are much worse than winters.

      2. OBMD*

        Please do not call your OB/Gyn and ask for a prescription for HRT. There are several different prescription options for menopausal symptoms (both hormonal and non-hormonal). Each has its own risks, benefits, and side effects. Which is best for you would depend on your age, symptoms, current medical problems, and current medications. I would never give a prescription without a discussion with my patient and a review of their chart. Good luck to you.

        1. fposte*

          I understand what you’re saying about wanting to counsel a patient in person. But I’ll also say YMMV. My long-term OB/GYN and PCP are perfectly capable of saying that’s something they need to see me in person for if they want, and there are lots of things they’re okay with doing without making me wait the 6-8 months for an appointment. So I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask and hear what they say.

      3. Red Sky*

        Thanks for the insight, I wouldn’t have thought about diet being a factor. I’m on a pretty restricted diet already due to various food intolerances. No dairy, gluten, palm products (which is in everything) and a few others. I mostly eat rice, beans, eggs, and veg. Sugar is def my weakness and one of the few treats I can still have. I’ll have to pay more attention to see if treat days show an increase in flashes.

    5. WellRed*

      Do hot flashes really come on like a flash, like us it really obvious? I’m sure it varies by woman but I’m curious. I’ve had night sweats (which I’ve had on and off since early 30s) but no other symptoms that I’m aware of so following this thread.

      1. Tib*

        My first hot flash was a full experience and I could feel it moving through my body; almost like water moves through a wicking paper. After that, yes, one minute I’m fine and the next I’m sweating or just very hot. Some of mine are tied to anxiety but others are random.

      2. Red Sky*

        Yes, hot flashes feel like a wave of lava washing over you, almost like you have a super heated core that’s spreading outward and very different from night sweats (I’ve had both). My hot flashes seem to be concentrated in my face/head and chest area but really my whole body gets hot. They last a few minutes so it’s not that bad if you only have 1 a day (like my mil) but every hour, or so, is driving me crazy.

      3. Quandong*

        Yes, for me they were instantaneous and I could feel the temperature change moving as it happened. It was so fast I couldn’t change clothing fast enough.

        I never had night sweats though so it really varies by person.

      4. anonForThis*

        Yes. It’s like everything is fine, and then I was way too hot and needed to throw off blankets and so on. It almost felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get cooler quickly (this turned out not to be true). I was fortunate because it usually only happened when I was sitting with my legs horizontal on the couch or when I was in bed, so during the work day, etc., I was OK. When it started, I thought I had a fever.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, I started with night sweats in my 30s also. Once I got my diet changed that slowed waay down and once my cycle stopped the night sweats stopped.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      I got the FeelGood sleepwear from vermont country store, and I’m delighted with them. Now if they just made similar for bedsheets and regular wear…

    7. Jackalope*

      Have you read The Menopause Manifesto by Jennifer Gunter? She’s an ob/gyn who wrote an entire book about menopause, and I found it super helpful. I’m not quite there yet so I don’t remember all of the specifics, but she talked about the overall picture of what’s going on with menopause in general, and then broke it down into common symptoms and solutions. Obviously that’s not the same as seeing your doctor, but I remember that she did have nonmedical solutions for various symptoms and she talked about hot flashes a lot. If nothing else maybe it would give you some things to try while you’re waiting for an appointment.

      1. Red Sky*

        Thanks for reminding me, I actually have this in my ereader! Totally forgot all about it (another lovely symptom) since I picked it up on sale early this year

      2. CrankyIsta*

        One thing Dr Gunter mentions is that the actual length of time a heat flash takes isn’t that long–maybe two minutes. I can’t do HRT, but knowing there’s an end to each one and it’s not unending, does help me mentally. (Plus having a fan at my desk and at home and wearing layers!)

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Have you tried raspberry leaf tea? A cup or two a day really brought all my symptoms way down. I usually had it iced, for obvious reasons!

      2. I take tea*

        Interesting. A friend of mine swears by sage tea. She says that she got through menopause on that. Worth a try, I think. At least it shouldn’t do any harm.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          I love sage tea too. The thing to know about sage is that it is very strong medicinally and can interact with other medications and herbs. So please be careful with sage!

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Any OBGYN really ought to be able to manage menopause. It’s a basic part of their practice and they won’t forget how to do it even if they were out all night on call catching babies. If you can get in to your OBGYN more quickly than your PCP, go for it. Hot flashes suck.

      1. Red Sky*

        Thanks, your totally right. I think my anxiety surrounding my other health issues has bled over into this new menopause thing and I’m approaching it like it’s some mystery and will take a bunch of frustrating visits to various doctors and specialists to figure out (if they even can) like all my other health problems. When in reality, that’s not at all what’s going on right now with this particular situation. Is medical related ptsd a thing? Thanks for the reality check lol

    10. Formerly in HR*

      If you are willing to, please also consider seeing an acupuncturist. I managed to keep my symptoms in control for about 7 years now this way, with 4-6 weeks tune-up sessions. Got rid of the night sweats and the full body read heat. I cannstill feel heat in the face some times, for me I was able to correlate thenflares more with stress and anger, the replies made me think I should also look at food intake.

    11. Girasol*

      Try chugging an icy drink in tiny, non-stop gulps until you get brain freeze. A fan blowing right on you at night helps. Some folks recommend a Chillow: a water filled pillow that serves as a night time heat sink for your head.

    12. Recomenopause*

      Once you are able to talk to a doc, ask about Gabapentin. It has worked very well for me for several years.

  24. Red Sky*

    I’m trying to be more mindful about food waste, what are your tips for cutting down on kitchen/food waste?

    I freeze any small amounts of leftover sauces in an ice cube tray then store in ziploc bag in the freezer. They make great flavor bombs for soups; leftover enchilada sauce turns plain chicken broth into a great base for Mexican tortilla soup, spaghetti and pesto sauce gets added to minestrone, stir-fry sauce gets added to miso or broth for ramen base.

    1. I take tea*

      You can eat the cauliflower leaves as well as the stem. Just remove the hardest outer part. Same with broccoli. So wasteful to throw it all away. Red beet leaves are delicious, if you happen upon them.

      Make bread pudding of old bread, or just soak it in broth. Freeze brown banana and bake with it or mix with frozen strawberries.

      A lot of leftovers can become warm sandwiches. Put a tasty cheese on top and bake until crispy.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Re minimizing food waste: thoughtful use of the freezer is a good thing – but one does have to keep tabs on the inventory, or else the freezer can turn into a long-term food-mummification vault instead. (Ask me how I know!) I keep intending to do better at maintaining a freezer/fridge/pantry inventory AND in meal planning, but I kinda procrastinate.

      I do separate out my fresh-bread loaves into packets of two slices each, and freeze the ones I’m not planning to use within a day or two. I can easily defrost and toast a sandwich’s-worth that way.

      Freezing the spare bits of poultry carcasses for use as soup stock has worked pretty well for me.

      If I have lots of fresh produce (especially when my garden is producing) I may roast a bunch of vegetables ahead of time, and freeze the ones that will hold the best – the roasted peppers work especially well that way.

      Confession: I do rely on my compost heap as a way of assuaging my guilt when I do wind up with forgotten/moldering produce; yes, it’s a waste of good food, but on the other hand I’m not throwing it away, just turning it into soil!

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        I don’t think of composting as wasting food at all. You’re just feeding the next generation of food without resorting to potentially toxic or expensive plant fertilizers.

      2. Kw10*

        Agree on keeping tabs on the freezer inventory – I just keep a piece of paper where I wrote down everything I freeze and the date, and then cross it off when I use it.

    3. Ali G*

      I freeze veggie scraps and use them for bases for stocks and other braising. Things like scallion and leek tops, asparagus ends, carrots, celery, etc. I use this for anything I want to flavor, but not actually eat, because the texture isn’t great.
      I also compost in my backyard.

      1. Girasol*

        I dice bendy celery and carrots, trunks of asparagus and broccoli that are perfectly good but nobody will eat trunks, leftover dinner veggies, floppy cabbage, and such – veggies that are perfectly edible but no one will eat them – freeze them all together, and then empty the container into the next pot of soup. If I dice them up Campbell soup sized, no one recognizes them well enough to say, “Eeuw, I don’t want to eat this.”

        1. Kay*

          Bendy celery is still crunchy and tasty, so are carrots – if you slice it up (in a salad for example) it tastes the same and you can’t tell it was ever limp. If in doubt they are just as tasty cooked.

          I agree with the soup option, but you can also use just about any combo to make homemade broth too.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      For using up end of the week bits of stuff, hot pot and teppenyaki are both good options. We aways have some hot pot base and thinly sliced meat in the freezer, and it’s good for finishing up leftover cabbage and leafy greens, tofu, vegetables, mushrooms, etc. (The teppenyaki grill consists of a flat nonstick electric cooking surface that sits in the middle of the table – you grill bits of food and dip them in the sauce). A jar of hot and sour soup paste in the fridge is useful for making quick soups with bits of leftover food too.

      When I open a can of something like coconut milk, tomato pastes, adobo sauce, pesto, etc. and don’t use all of it, I freeze the remainder in a ziplock bag spread out thin, so I can break off a piece when I need a bit.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I bought little Pyrex containers with matching lids. I like clear glass containers because I can quickly see what is in there.
      Recently, I set up a dedicated space in my fridge for leftovers. I am building a habit of checking there before I thaw anything or open anything new. The little containers go in that dedicated space.
      I spend a lot less time annoyed with myself for forgetting things that had gotten buried somehow.

    6. Angstrom*

      Countless no-recipe soups have started with “onion, garlic, and whatever’s in the vegetable drawer that needs to be used up”. :-)
      Fruit is rarely too ripe to become a smoothie. Overripe bananas can be peeled and frozen for future use.
      Poultry bones, skin, etc. can make stock, along with vegetable trimmings and peels.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If I’m afraid something will go bad, I sometimes plan on eating the thing bit by bit every day until it’s gone. It’s not as much fun as just eating whatever I feel like, but it has definitely reduced waste for me.

  25. mreasy*

    Hi! I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m asking for medical advice. My husband tested positive for COVID yesterday, with no symptoms (we rapid-test several times a week as we go out to a lot of events). I tested rapid negative Thursday & yesterday, PCR negative yesterday, and rapid negative today. As of this moment, I seem to not have it. This is my husband’s first time having it and I still haven’t had it. We don’t have kids, just cats.

    A friend has offered her place out of town starting tomorrow as they’ll be traveling, and I’m thinking of heading up there until he tests negative and working remotely. But I can’t shake the idea that I should just stay here, get it if I’m going to, and somehow that will make it easier for me to move forward? I don’t know, it seems stupid to not prevent myself from possibly getting sick if I don’t have to, but I’m also not thrilled with having to be away from my home and cats for a week.

    I am very lucky to have all these options and I should probably just go and not complain! But I guess I’d love to hear what you all would do. My job can be done anywhere (I’m mostly remote already) so that’s not a worry. I guess I just feel weird because we’ve gone this far without getting it and I don’t know the right move.

    Thank you all!

    1. Sundae funday*

      Do you have a guest room? When I had Covid, I stayed in the bedroom, he slept in the spare room, and we kept the kitchen windows open and weren’t in shared space at the same time. He never got it.

      I’d try that rather than “just getting it” since you can get it multiple times, and the risk of long Covid symptoms increases each time. No reason to put yourself at that risk. But if your living space is big enough to avoid lengthy exposure, I’d stay home.

      1. mreasy*

        We do, and he’s sleeping there. It’s a bit too hot to keep a lot of windows open but we’re kind of avoiding being in the same room. Thanks for this input, it’s a relief to hear I could possibly stay home! We live in a large-ish apartment but it’s a 1 bath railroad so we can’t avoid each other in like upstairs/downstairs areas.

        1. Ann Ominous*

          My partner and I both got it and our housemate didn’t. We wore masks around each other, we’re not in the same room together, and kept a few windows open and the AC and fans on in our rooms. Also got two high-speed air purifiers with virus killers and put one in our bedroom and one in the common area.

        2. fueled by coffee*

          Do you have multiple bathrooms in your home? When I had it, I isolated in my bedroom + one dedicated bathroom. Had food left outside the door for meals. Then I just wiped everything down after my isolation period ended. No one else in the household caught it from me.

          Would definitely NOT recommend trying to “just get it over with,” both because people can be re-infected and because you don’t know that you’ll be asymptomatic just because your partner is, and being sick is unpleasant.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When my husband tested positive we just basically barricaded him in his home office and nobody else went in there, we left him trays in the hallway outside and when he went into the bathroom he wiped down all the surfaces behind him. Nobody else in the house had any resulting issues.

    3. No smart name ideas*

      Everyone who gets it gets it differently. My experience is that both hubby and I are vaxed and 2x boosted—I’m 61 and he’s (a much fitter) 72. We live in a <1200 sq ft 2bed 2 bath apartment, but there’s no second bed in the apartment (it’s used as our office). So not lots of room to isolate. Yet I got it and he never did. He was told to stay out of the office for five days and confirm no exposure after that before coming in. And he never tested positive, even tho he was stuck in the same 1200 sq foot apartment.

      I got it last month and it was textbook—fever started midday, lasted a week with declines and rises; I looked and felt like I had a bad cold/light flu. Because of our ages-and hubbys underlying heart issue-I was given paxlovid.
      It was over within a week—although I didn’t test negative for another two weeks

      At the first positive test, Everything that could go into the dishwasher did, and hubby slept in the couch. And we went through lots of handwashing—just like when I had the flu five years ago. We live in a big city with lots of food delivery and restaurants so no at home cooking, lots of separate plates (normally we share and pick off each other, but not that week), and he stayed safe.

      And I felt crappy enough that I appreciated his care and waiting on me (he’s a great nurse).

      Friends who had it in their family also followed at home isolation and were able to keep it from spreading to other family members.

      Keep in mind that if you do go to your friend’s place, you could be bringing them the virus, as it can take 5 days between exposure and symptoms/positive PCR test, so it should be 3 days between your departure and their return/their place cleaned. I’d take my own sheets and towels and pack them back up and wash them at my place, if I did go.

      1. mreasy*

        Thanks for this guidance – I will be staying in their guest studio and they will be gone for several weeks so there should be plenty of interval time.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I know so many people who have shared homes with one member infected, and not passed it to each other! I think you can stay put, take precautions like masking and isolating him to one room, etc.

      You can take reasonable precautions not to get it without moving out of town for a week. Unless you have major risk factors, that’s excessive.

    5. Missb*

      My oldest visited Dh and I for a month this spring. He and Dh went out of town to another city for a couple of days. When he came back, my oldest felt a bit off, did a rapid test that was negative but wanted a pcr test to be sure. The next day, I drove him to get a pcr test which turned out to be positive.

      At that point, he’d been in our house but staying in his room for two days. My youngest was also here as he’d flown back with his dad and brother from the other city (shared a cab, gone to restaurants etc).

      My oldest isolated in his room until he tested negative with a rapid test, and per cdc guidance (10 days, I think). Not be of the rest of us got it, including my youngest’s girlfriend that stayed overnight one night as she was traveling through (we all took rapid tests before her arrival).

      We brought oldest kid his meals and drinks up in his room. He masked up if he needed to use a bathroom. Later on in the quarantine period, when he was testing with just a faint line, he would come down masked and join us outside on our covered porch.

    6. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      When my husband got Covid, I slept in the guest room, used a different bathroom, and avoided being in the same room with him. When he started feeling better, we had dinner together outside. I did not come down with it.

      My dad also recently had Covid. My parents live in a much smaller place so my mom did not really avoid dad and she did not get it either.

    7. Come On Eileen*

      If you can avoid exposure — by either going somewhere else or staying in separate rooms — definitely do that. Even though most cases are mild, maaaany people are suffering from long COVID and that piece is no fun at all. So if you can stay safe-ish while your husband recuperates, please do.

      1. mreasy*

        It isn’t a big deal for me to go to my friend’s – it’s an hour and a half drive and I can work from there easily – so maybe I will just put it an abundance of caution. I’d rather do that than wear a mask in my home and we do only have one bathroom. No kids to worry about thankfully. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and advice. I love the AAM community.

    8. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Gotta say, while I do believe in taking all due precautions, when I finally caught COVID a month ago, I was like, “Finally! After all this waiting and pandemic trouble, at least I actually got sick!” It’s kinda stupid, but it’d feel sort of wasteful and also like I got left out if I never actually caught the thing.

      I wouldn’t actually encourage you to just get exposed, but I totally understand the temptation.

      The actual being sick part was not too bad, BTW. Worse than a cold but better than the flu and the general fatigue only lasted another week.

    9. Generic Name*

      When I got Covid, we didn’t change anything about our lives at home. (Obviously I followed all isolation protocols of not leaving the house) Husband and I shared a bed and bathroom, but no kissing. He never got it and neither did our son.

    10. Ice Bear*

      My partner caught COVID recently and stayed in the guest bedroom all day/night (with the door closed) the entire week.

      I made and brought them all their food, and we both wore an N95 mask whenever we were within breathing distance (like when I dropped off their meals).

      We share a bathroom, so after they used it, I would spray some Lysol in there and wipe down surfaces with Clorox before I used it.

      We also have air purifiers in both bedrooms and ran them at night.

      I never caught it.

    11. SofiaDeo*

      Pharmacist with infectious disease training here. Wipe commonly touched surfaces with clean soapy water at least daily, and leave it on to dry. Soap inactivates coronaviruses. If there’s a window in the bathroom, consider leaving *that* one open with the door closed, in an attempt to get fresh airflow. Have partner change out pillowcase every day, or at least flip it over and swap pillowcase out every other day. Air fluff blanket and comforter in dryer daily, or hang outside, if you can’t swap them out. The idea is to reduce viral load exposure. So partner should recover quicker, if not self re-infecting, and you are less likely to be exposed to a viral load that results in infection. I’ll mention I have leukemia, am on a treatment where I can’t make antibodies, and doing stuff like this worked when *my* partner was sick. I didn’t catch whatever he had, for the first time since I got this leukemia. It’s not a guarantee, but IMO it helps a lot.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am a big fan of frequent bedding changes for any shared bug- colds, etc. I have noticed that I get better faster if I swap out the bedding every couple days.

    12. The Person from the Resume*

      There’s no reason to think that if you get it, you will be asymptomatic. Don’t do that. If you want to stay home; stay home but try to isolate / mask so you avoid getting sick.

      I had COVID a month ago. I was backed and boosted and healthy. I was really sick for 4-5 days (fever and miserable) and coughing for another 6 days.

      Would you say, my husband had got the flu so I’m not going to try to avoid it getting it because everyone eventually gets the flu? Nope because being sick with the flu sucks.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Eh, I still have brain fog eight months after a mild case of covid (which I got after 2 vaxxes and 3 months after my first booster). If your husband feels like he is doing okay on his own, I’d go (or do some strict isolating in the house) and try not to get it — long-term effects may not be great, even if you don’t feel very sick.

  26. Strong Aroace Vibes*

    This sounds like a silly question, but hear me out: Why is it that you live with your partner?

    It has always made intuitive sense to me that if two people like each other and want to know and care about and spend time with each other, and keep feeling that way to greater and greater degrees, they’d eventually feel so close and want to be around each other so much that they would want even to live in the same house! And that’s why they move in together, in order to be able to do all that stuff and feel all those ways even more and even better. (And then comes all the requirements for being able to handle housework, money, habits, and other day-to-day stuff in a way that works for both people.)

    But I’m coming to understand that that’s not the case for some people — perhaps not for most people! That while most people would say that yes, of course, all that stuff is surely true, an underlying reason for living together and in fact an underlying reason to seek out that type of relationship in the first place is to be able to do something *with* the relationship that they couldn’t do before — in general, to be able to do things in their life or with their life that, for them, would require a committed partner in a live-in relationship. Like to raise kids, family, to have someone to share the daily housework and childwork and financial essentials with, to figure out all those things together. Of course, it’s with a person they like! Yes! You bet! But there’s a reason for pursuing the relationship beyond the interpersonal pairing itself. And a reason to live together beyond simply wanting to be with them and know them and care about them, feel close with them, support them in their goals, and generally do stuff with them more and more.

    I’m obviously the former approach, which as I think about it feels a bit like how dating worked in college or just after, when people like each other but aren’t necessarily intending to shack up and start a family right then (although some did). Now in my 30s I feel like my peers’ approach to the concept of relationships may have changed and I’m just now getting wise to it! Of course all relationships are different and different things are important to different people…so what’s your take on this line of thinking?

    1. Kate*

      Curious to see the responses here. My partner and I live apart by choice (apparently there’s a name for this, “Living Apart Together (LAT)” *shrug*) and it blows peoples’ minds.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        I have a colleague who’s husband lives in Northen Ireland, mostly for practical reasons, I think – she has a job in our school, he has young adult kids who live with him part time – but she also said it’s a pretty fantastic arrangement as it means they both have their own space. Seems to work really well for them. I know you can never tell about another person’s marriage but they certainly seem happy.

        1. PhyllisB*

          There is a couple at my mother’s assisted living facility that has separate apartments on the same floor. Knowing what assisted living costs, I can’t imagine.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        I am currently single but I keep thinking I’d like Living Apart Together, so I’ll be curious to see how this goes.

      3. I take tea*

        In Swedish there is a special word for a serious partner you don’t live with, just as there is a word for a serious partner you live with, but not married to. Both are gender neutral. I think it says something about the society’s expectations.

          1. allathian*

            The word for living together without being married is sambo, and the LAT equivalent is särbo. Very practical. (I’m in Finland, but I grew up bilingual, with Swedish as my school language from daycare to college).

            My MIL and her husband live in two separate apartments, but close enough that they can see each other’s buildings across the street. Both have kids from previous marriages, and separate finances. This way, when one of them dies, probate is much simpler for the heirs to deal with. Added to that, both of them were single for about 20 years before they met, and are quite set in their ways and unwilling, or in some cases unable for health reasons, to change to accommodate their spouse.

            My sister is happy in a LAT relationship with her SO. When they met, both had a history of long-term live-in relationships that ended badly, and the hardest thing for each of them was to extricate themselves from the joint mortgages. They’re happily childfree, and spend most weekends and vacations together, but live separately during the workweek.

            1. Kate*

              Those are basically our reasons too!

              Two sets of kids and, while they get along fantastically, no desire to merge the two households and upend that apple cart. MAYBE we’ll reconsider when they’re all out of the houses…?

              And extricating myself from the joint mortgage when my first marriage ended was an awful experience and honestly traumatizing.

      4. Other Duties as Assigned*

        I recall reading a news article about this years ago and it gave it the term “apartners.” It used as an example a married couple who had both been offered great jobs at the same time in different cities, and decided to take them both. One weekend, he’d fly to spend the weekend with her and the next, she’d fly to be with him. They chose one TV show a week to watch together at the same time and hung on the phone during it. They liked how it was working out; they said the little irritants did not exist since they weren’t together all the time. One quote from the man stuck with me: “If she wants to eat sushi morning, noon and night, she can and if I want to clean the bathtub with a mop, I can.”

      5. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        I also am in this situation and feel lucky every day that I can just go home and be alone if I want.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’ll be interested to hear people’s responses but there’s also the pure utilitarian argument that shouldn’t be overlooked. Traditionally I’m pretty sure the basis of most of our coupling decisions was based in economics. A two bedroom is more expensive than a one bedroom, yes, but it’s not usually double, while your income may literally double. A shared house costs the same as one you buy alone. Utilities are halved. Food is not much more effort to get in larger quantities (although it would be perhaps double the cost – but half the effort). Other daily living chores are also easier divided between two people versus falling on one alone (walking a dog, home repairs, car maintenance). Marriage adds a tax benefit on top of these savings.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        This. Paying double rent — especially if you’re spending a fair amount of time sleeping over at each other’s homes — is not ideal.

        And there’s a second angle to the economics of this: I am not married, but I always felt it would be important to spend at least some time living together before tying the knot: it can be harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together, but divorce is even harder than breaking a lease. And as a woman who dates men I’d want to know that my partner will pick up his fair share of the domestic labor and I won’t be stuck doing the majority of the housework/dealing with feigned incompetence about how to clean or do laundry.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I’d say it’s mainly this. Before my spouse and I got married, we basically had to live together because that was the only way to afford a one-bedroom in San Francisco, and even then we barely were able to make rent each month (we worked at schools and not in the tech industry). We were even debating whether we should live together in a studio (still very expensive but slightly less so) or live in a one-bedroom, and we sprung for the one-bedroom, even though it made our budget extremely tight.

      3. AcademiaNut*

        This is a major part, particularly in high COL areas (or with lower salaries). I went from sharing a place four bedroom place with four roommates to sharing a two bedroom place with my husband, for a slightly higher out of pocket cost on rent and utilities, and lower food costs, plus we got to use *all* the cupboards and fridge space. In a previous place, I shared a two bedroom in a nice building with a roommate for $1700, while a one bedroom was $1200. $850 a month would have gotten me a very tiny single room in a not as nice building, and a higher per person cost for utilities.

        Another is kids – if you’re going to have kids, parenting from two separate households is going to be much more complicated. A lot of the time, couples move in together when they’re spending most nights at each other’s place, and figure it’s not worth paying for two places.

        Personally, I enjoy my husband’s company and like having him around. We both are fairly introverted, so we’re often in the same space but doing our own thing. Having someone around to look after you when you’re feeling crappy is a nice feature – being sick when I lived on my own often sucked. We both enjoy our brief bachelor lives when the other is travelling for work, but are glad to be back together.

        I do think there are couples who don’t have kids and would be much happier living separately. People who love each other, but have incompatible living styles are one – if you love a slob or a hoarder and can’t live with their mess, a long-term non cohabiting relationship where the messy person comes over and stays the night in the tidier place for example. Also people who marry later and are very rigid about doing things their own way.

      4. ecnaseener*

        Sure, but there’s no reason you can’t continue to have a roommate who’s not your SO. (Obviously not everyone likes having roommates, but the point stands – you’re making a financial argument for roommates in general, not for living with an SO specifically.)

    3. Ann Ominous*

      I personally livd with my partner because I enjoy his company and enjoy having a sleepover every night. When we moved in and didn’t have to go our separate ways after dinner or in the morning, it felt extremely comforting and sweet.

      We don’t have child rearing responsibilities but do share the expenses of house and such.

      1. PsychNurse*

        Same here. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and I love just being together in the same place. We chat throughout the day— not constantly obviously but whenever something occurs to me, I can just share it that moment. We shower together about half the time (which sounds like a nightmare to some people but it’s intimate and nice). I really miss him if he goes away for business. I know some people prefer to live apart from their spouse, and that’s perfectly fine, but I get a great deal of pleasure out of living with him.

        Also, as someone else said, the economics are a legitimate part of it. You have to be pretty privileged (which I am) to even consider having two homes for two adults.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          I feel the same way about my husband. We’ve been married over 30 years and I love being with him!

    4. mreasy*

      My husband and I live together for the basic convenience reasons, but we don’t usually eat meals together or go to bed at the same time… we also both travel & are out in the evening a lot for work-related reasons (sometimes together, usually separately), so living together means we get to see each other every day. My dream would be separate adjoining apartments, but that is not affordable. We both need alone time and luckily our place is big enough to allow that.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am mostly aro. completely ace and married – I know :P it wasn’t exactly my idea. Husband and I were friends long before we had a relationship – he had been living overseas with his previous wife and I adopted their dog when they left, because it was intended to be a long-term thing. Happenings happened, they decided it wasn’t working, and he returned to the US, and my housemate and I said he could crash with us for a few months til he figured out what he was doing, but I told him he couldn’t have my dog back. He pretty much never left.

      I … am not always sure what he gets out of our relationship, to be honest. (He says “a lot” but I know I am not a great romantic partner because, mostly aro.) When we started doing whatever it was we were doing, we were both on team “no need to get married again, it is what it is,” so when he proposed, I was surprised. My first three answers were some variety of “You know my status, that’s not going to change, are you sure?” and he insisted that he was sure and that I was the life partner he wanted. I said “Ok, as long as you realize that we’re gonna be one of those couples for whom marriage literally doesn’t change anything in our day-to-day,” and he said that was what he wanted too, so here we are having our fifth wedding anniversary next month. To outsiders, our relationship doesn’t seem much different than either of our relationship with our housemate, who might as well be a brother to both of us. (In fact, we’ve had to clarify a few times that we’re not a triad :P ) We all keep separate finances, husband and I have a prenup that specifies what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his, etc. I own the house (just me) and they both pay me room and board and I handle all the household logistics (groceries, bills, the family cell plan, etc). Housemate and I are both super introverts, so for the two of us, our household is pretty much 95% of our social interactions. That said, they are two of my dearest friends in the world, and there are things that I talk to husband about that I probably wouldn’t talk to housemate about. None of us have or want kids, so that’s not a factor. All the mammalian pets are mine on paper because it was easier to have the homeowner sign the adoption papers at the shelters, but the dogs are mine and I pay for their care and the cats are husband’s and he pays for their care, etc. Basically we’re mostly-platonic life partners, and that seems to work for us.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also, yes, see Sloanicota’s logistical explanation up top – that’s a lot of it too :) Housemate stays with us partly because he likes us and partly because he would NEVER find a place on his own including room, board, and space for his reptiles for even double what he pays here.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I didn’t want to leave the relationship, and he got to a point where being married was important to him. So after discussions ensuring that he understood that marriage wasn’t going to be a magic thing that suddenly changed our relationship – a ring on my finger isn’t going to change the fact that I’m ace, largely, but there were some other points of logistical discussion as well – I concluded that it was an important step to him, and while it wasn’t really a big deal to me either way, I didn’t have any particular reason to not take it, and it wasn’t going to change our relationship for the worse, so why not. :)

          I know, that sounds so … clinical? and I can’t make it sound better. I’m aromantic and hyperlogical, I don’t do giddy and emotional very well under pretty much any circumstances. But it really did boil down to “I’m happy now, and if taking this step makes him happier and leaves me at my current state of happy, then it sounds like a net positive, so let’s go to Vegas.” (Which is what we did.)

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              We went to Disneyworld for a week-long honeymoon first, then made it out of the Orlando airport on a flight for Vegas (where about a dozen family and friends were meeting us) an hour before the airport was closed down for a hurricane. Heh.

              1. fhqwhgads*

                Nice. We probably would’ve done something similar but Disneyland – except ours was a pandemic-outside-no-guests-distanced-masks-on wedding. Hence the not really going anywhere. Heh.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Also, we joke that he married me for my dog because I wouldn’t let him have her back. She was defined as mine in the prenup. :) )

    6. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      Having just lost my partner of 21 years I can say this: it’s about having a trustworthy companion who is “there” for you no matter what.

      Sex comes and goes. It’s important, but as much so as the trust, caring, friendship, and deep connection or intimacy. Even IF sometimes they annoy you, or you argue about things because you live together. Even if you require alone time to do your own things apart, they’re still there.

      My partner passed two months ago from cancer. What I miss the most are the simple things. Having him sleeping next to me and rolling over to touch his back, our little household rituals, our philosophical discussions, how he made me laugh, and even our bickering. He was often a messy/sloppy/disorganized person (and now my home stays much cleaner) but I’d put up with that again to have him back.

      1. PsychNurse*

        I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that some day— hopefully not soon— either I or my husband will outlive the other. My blood runs cold at the thought of being without him. Your paragraph about the things you miss is a true testament to him and to your relationship.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          A good number of people can’t fathom life without their partner. I’ve been on my own for 16 years.
          I can tell you that:
          The things we fear the most are usually NOT what happens. Or if a similar thing does happen it’s much tamer than what we picture. Usually there are solutions or helpful things along the way.

          Once our partner departs, not everything that happens next is rotten. Nice things happen. Sometimes good things happen to us.

          Life is not the same, nor should it be. Each person changes our life when they enter and they change our life again when they leave. Additionally, it would be a bit disrespectful to a life if nothing changed on their departure. This is not the same as saying, “From here forward life will be nothing but empty wandering.”

          Our partners came into our lives because they saw a quality person. That quality person is still there underneath all the grief. While we are forever changed by their absence we can make a path on our own. And that path might look more like a patchwork quilt but somehow that too is okay.

      3. Bibliovore*

        I am sorry for your loss. Everything you said is true for me.
        this . “It’s important, but as much so as the trust, caring, friendship, and deep connection or intimacy. Even IF sometimes they annoy you, or you argue about things because you live together. Even if you require alone time to do your own things apart, they’re still there.”
        He also was the only person on earth who I completely trusted. He knew my secrets.
        He was my cheerleader and believed in me when I did not believe in myself.
        He also was the person who did the things that I just didn’t want to like folding the laundry and bill paying.
        I can say that in 35 years he never cleaned a toilet or cooked a meal.
        What I miss the most- he made me laugh.

    7. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I live with my partner because that maximizes possible time that I can see him. He’s awesome. It is nice that it costs less, that he shares responsibilities and house work, and that it makes child rearing easier…but even if none of that were true, I’d still want to do it.

      I do think my word choice is important: maximizing the time that I CAN see him. Just because I can doesn’t mean that seeing him trumps my need for alone time at any given moment. But while I do need alone time, and a small amount of space just for me, I don’t seem to need that much of it, so living together works well for me. My perception of people who are in committed long term relationships without cohabitation is that one or both of the people have a stronger need for space or time or both.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        This is where I am too. We live together, because before we lived together we had to drive back and forth with bags of our stuff in order to meet the need we had to see each other. Which was most days. That was the big relief on getting the keys to our house. I can fall asleep with him without having to pack a bag. I can get dressed from my whole wardrobe, and not from an overnight bag. I can get comfortable with him in front of the telly without having to go home later. The shared finances and shared work is very, very nice, as is being brought a cup of tea or coffee in the morning! But really I can pay for myself and look after myself, (even if not to the same standard) what I can’t do is provide affection and romantic fulfillment for myself.

    8. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Ahh, I think my comment just got eaten. It was longer and more detailed, but boils down to this: I live with my husband because it maximizes the time I can spend with him. He’s awesome.

    9. RagingADHD*

      We got married before living together because of our religious beliefs. And we made that decision because “home” felt like wherever the other one was.

      So if you can only be “home” when you’re in the same place, it’s time for literal home to be the same place.

    10. Russian in Texas*

      All this “being together” stuff is true, my partner is also my best friend – so even watching TV we both like is better.
      But also there are a lot of economic considerations. Even without children, living together is cheaper and easier than two households separately. It’s not romantic, but it’s the truth.

    11. Poppy*

      I don’t live with my boyfriend because I live with my husband instead! Ha. I love my boyfriend (secondary partner) but I’m not sure if we would be good roommates. It does work really well for us to have our own space, although I would like to spend more time together, some of which is mitigated by WFH 2x/week at his house. I think this falls into the category of “not living together for practical/logistical reasons” that includes long distance, one partner parenting young children from a previous relationship, etc that others have touched on.

    12. No Tribble At All*

      When we started dating in college, then-boyfriend came over to my apartment and just never left. We joke that he followed me home & I kept him.

    13. Anon for this*

      Two-body problem here. Spouse is in academia and I like my job too much to leave it. In the Before Times, I figured we would continue to live separately. Then we were locked down together, I proposed, and now we’re joined at the hip. I can’t really explain it; this is just My Person. Spouse is currently traveling and I’m having trouble sleeping because I miss having them beside me. Sappy but true.

      (I’m a big proponent of Living Apart Together, actually. After all, what’s better than a room of one’s own? An apartment or house of one’s own! As you said, there are logistical and financial tradeoffs to consider. But I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Never planned to marry, always thought I’d prefer to maintain a separate household from a romantic partner, always wanted a safe space that was completely my own and often prioritized that over everything else in my budget.)

    14. E. Chauvelin*

      I mean, that was basically it. My husband and I had been a couple for eight years while I finished up college/grad school/getting a full time job after graduating directly into a recession before we moved in together. We’ve both always had a lot of stuff going on and living together meant we definitely got to see each other every day. We both need time to ourselves, too, but we’ve got enough space to allow for that, and in a way it helps, because living together means that we can go find the other and share how our day was or whatever and then go back into our own space for a while without there having to have been a plan to spend the whole evening together in order to make seeing each other worthwhile.

    15. Not A Manager*

      I think it doesn’t need to be either/or. Sometimes it’s not that a person has a destination in mind (children, sharing financial burdens, a house in the suburbs) and they are looking for a means to an end. Sometimes it’s that as you develop closeness and shared interests and a shared lifestyle and want “more of the same,” you also start to want “more of the different,” as it were. More shared projects – like children or houses or pets – more mutual support – like dealing with life’s inevitable illnesses or employment problems – more growing together and doing things that are possible to do as one person, but easier to do as a partnership. And you find those things together as you grow together.

    16. Filosofickle*

      I always assumed I would want a living-apart life. But I lived with my last partner and it was wonderful! What I loved most were the little moments and rituals. Drinking coffee together in the morning, the entwined snuggle at bedtime, the ad hoc “hey can you help me with this” things. The daily rhythm of us.

    17. Llellayena*

      We were long distance for the entire time we were together, so there was some “short term” living together happening from the beginning since we could only really see each other for full weekends. Moving in together was a combination of “huh, this could be permanent,” post-pandemic job hunting with scant opportunities in his area (and about 30x as much opportunity in mine), and me deciding to buy a house. So a lot of practical bound together with deciding we can make it work because we love each other. I love being able to find something to do with him on a random Tuesday instead of being stuck with only things that happen on a weekend.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I moved in with my ex because I was living at my dad’s and we got tired of driving an hour to see each other. Kinda thought we’d get married but that didn’t happen. While now I’m glad it didn’t, I was mad at myself for not seeing sooner that it wasn’t going to and wasting so much time.

      Sleepovers and weekends are fine, but I won’t move in with a partner again unless our wedding is imminent. If Whoever-Is-Next wants to be together all the time, he can goddamn well marry me.

    20. Melody Pond*

      Mr. Pond and I moved in together originally for the classic tribal reasons (sharing resources for increased quality of life). We’ve lived together for several years now and are starting to realize that we might do better/be happier/appreciate each other more, with a LAT model.

      We are currently preparing to sell our house, and hoping to buy a small duplex that will let us be nearby, but have our own spaces. I’m really looking forward to it!

    21. HBJ*

      I think previous posters have summed it up.

      We got married because we loved each other and liked being around each other and wanted to build a life together. Living separately would result in less time spent together. I like sleeping with him every night. When he’s gone on work travel, I miss him. And now, we’ve slept together long enough that both of us sleep less well when we’re sleeping alone. Everything takes less time if living together. One lawn to mow instead of two. One meal being cooked instead of two. It’s nice to have someone to do stupid little things for you that you can’t do or have difficulty doing – running a lint roller over your back, my husband opened a very tight bottle of lemon juice for me this morning. Financial is a huuuge reason. We could not afford two one-bedroom places. We now have children, and we want to parent them together.

    22. Qwerty*

      I feel like there’s a point where it just makes sense. For me, maintaining two households was more burdensome than one from a logistical (not financial) perspective. We spent most of our evenings together, I was tired of having to either pack clothes for the next day or wake up early to go home and get ready at my place, etc. Plus we were planning to get married, so when his roommate moved out at the same time my lease was up it just seemed logical to move up our plans. It’s not terribly far off from what you are thinking, just that you’ve probably described the more subconscious side than most people think about.

      Nowadays? I can’t see myself really living with anyone again. I think my ideal set up would be side by side homes so we each had our own space but it was easy to get things from one apartment/house. I live a 5min walk from my current SO and I really like how easy it to meet up for an hour or so rather than having to dedicate an entire evening or day to that person, so it’s easier for us both to have independent social lives.

    23. allathian*

      When I met my husband, he was working 5 hours away, but his parents and sister all lived in the same geographical area as I did. So we had an LDR for the first 2.5 years, until he negotiated a transfer with his then-employer to be closer to family (he had an offer in hand from another employer and would’ve been willing to quit if they hadn’t let him transfer, and he also negotiated a substantial raise). I wouldn’t have been willing to marry him without living together for a while first, but thanks to spending most weekends and all of our vacations together, I knew that I wanted something more permanent, and he felt the same way. So we moved together in April, my pregnancy test was positive in September. We got married in late March the following year when I was 8 months pregnant, and our son was born about 6 weeks later (2 weeks overdue).

      I’m not particularly interested in romantic gestures, unless you count living together, with each partner doing their bit for the common good, as romantic. For example, we didn’t have a traditional proposal, I just knew that I wanted to be married when our child was born, for purely practical reasons, so one day after work as we were relaxing, I said that I’d really like to be married before our child is born, my husband agreed, and said he’d look into getting a marriage license the next morning, and that was that. Most of my friends had big weddings, but my pregnancy gave us the perfect excuse not to have one. I trust my friends and they wouldn’t have given us any pushback, but I’m less sanguine about some of my husband’s friends and some of our family members. But none of them said anything, thank goodness. Either all of them were more sensible than I’ve given them credit for, or else they just thought that being 8 months pregnant was reason enough…

  27. Poem Requests*

    I used to really love poetry, but I haven’t read much of it since college. All my old favorites are classics (Emily Dickenson, ts eliot) and are pretty white – can anyone share a modern poem they have really loved? Especially ones that are about nature? I have read Mary Oliver .

        1. mreasy*

          You know, I usually read in collections so it isn’t about a specific poem. My very favorite writer is Lydia Davis, and she writes in vaguely prose poem style – but her language is quite imagistic and very spare, so has a lot in common with lyric.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I discovered a while back that I like listening to poetry read aloud in addition to reading it, and no one reads his poetry better than Billy Collins. I recommend his recordings and you can find him on YouTube. It’s not all nature-oriented but some of it is, and his humorous poetry is funnier read aloud. I just looked and found a short interview on NPR’s channel, “Billy Collins Reading Poetry Aloud.”

        For nature poetry, I suggest Marge Piercy and Diane Ackerman.

    4. UKDancer*

      Langston Hughes is quite good. I like his use of visual imagery and the way he describes life.

      Other modern poets I like include Carol Anne Duffy and Maya Angelou.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Re poetry: I’m fond of the work of Mark Doty – various subjects, some nature-related.

      For a quirky option, Martha Grimes’ mystery-in-poem-form SEND BYGRAVES is a lot of fun; there are poems in a number of different styles, including villanelles, sestinas, and pantoums. [Side note: I also recommend Stephen Fry’s book THE ODE LESS TRAVELED, which talks about poetry in many forms and includes some delightful exercises in writing your own by way of learning more about the styles.]

      One source for more diverse poets might be this book: “Black Nature: Four Centuries of African American Nature Poetry”.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Langston Hughes is one of my favorites. I often think of “Let America Be America Again” and “Democracy” in regard to political news, and just really like “Theme for English B” and “Tired.”

      You’ve probably seen excerpts from Warsan Shire’s poems “Home” and “What They Did Yesterday Afternoon” (she was also heavily quoted/sampled in Beyonce’s “Lemonade” album)

      Amanda Gorman, the youth Poet Laureate.

      My favorite nature poem is Robert Frost’s “Birches” although that falls more in the classics category.

    8. Cendol*

      My education in poetry was seriously lacking. To find new poems, I go to Poetry Foundation (dot) org and search by keyword! It’s how I found one of my favorite poems of all time, Brenda Shaughnessy’s “I Have a Time Machine.”

      For nature-related poetry, some of my favorites (some found via Poetry Foundation) are…

      Maxine Kumin, “Running Away Together”
      Richard Brautigan, “Your Catfish Friend”
      JP Infante, “Yasica, Puerto Plata”
      Joseph Brodsky, “Constancy”
      Robert Hass, “July Notebook: The Birds”

      This one isn’t a poem, it’s a book, but it’s incredibly beautiful—Paolo Cognetti’s The Eight Mountains (Le Otto Montagne).

    9. Helvetica*

      Nizar Qabbani – considered Syria’s national poet. He wrote beautiful, really breathtaking love poems. There is something exquisitely tender about his works. And he has some, which are considered very feminist and female empowering.

      Love happened at last,
      And we entered God’s paradise,
      Sliding
      Under the skin of the water
      Like fish.
      We saw the precious pearls of the sea
      And were amazed.
      Love happened at last
      Without intimidation…with symmetry of wish.
      So I gave…and you gave
      And we were fair.
      It happened with marvelous ease
      Like writing with jasmine water,
      Like a spring flowing from the ground.

      ***

      When I love
      I feel that I am the king of time
      I possess the earth and everything on it
      and ride into the sun upon my horse.

      When I love
      I become liquid light
      invisible to the eye
      and the poems in my notebooks
      become fields of mimosa and poppy.

      When I love
      the water gushes from my fingers
      grass grows on my tongue
      when I love
      I become time outside all time.

      When I love a woman
      all the trees
      run barefoot toward me…

    11. RosyGlasses*

      I really like collections. I’ve been picking up copies of The Northwest Review which has quite a few non white poems and some that are nature focused. It has helped expose me to new writers and new forms of poetry. There are quite a few poetry collectives like this across the globe and it feels good to support small art focused business.

    12. Bibliovore*

      Joyce Sidman – What the heart knows”
      Naomi Shihab Nye- Everything Comes Next
      How to Love the World: Poems of Gratitude and Hope” edited by James Crews
      Crews has collected one hundred poems including the works of inaugural poet Amanda Gorman, Joy Harjo, Naomi Shihab Nye, Ross Gay, Tracy K. Smith, and others that speak directly to our hearts and serve as mentor texts for reflection and creative writing.

      1. Harriet Wimsey*

        Two Wendy Cope poems and a suggestion she’s worth reading more of. Also Brian Bilston is fabulous.

        I’m having this by Wendy Cope at my funeral as I love it –

        I hope I can trust you, friends, not to use our relationship
        As an excuse for an unsolicited ego-trip.
        I have seen enough of them at funerals and they make me cross.
        At this one, though deceased, I aim to be the boss.
        If you are asked to talk about me for five minutes, please do not go on for eight
        There is a strict timetable at the crematorium and nobody wants to be late
        If invited to read a poem, just read the bloody poem. If requested
        To sing a song, just sing it, as suggested,
        And don’t say anything. Though I will not be there,
        Glancing pointedly at my watch and fixing the speaker with a malevolent stare,
        Remember that this was how I always reacted
        When I felt that anybody’s speech, sermon or poetry reading was becoming too protracted.
        Yes, I was intolerant, and not always polite

        And if there aren’t many people at my funeral, it will serve me right.

        And we had this at our wedding

        _Being Boring_ by Wendy Cope

        ‘May you live in interesting times.’ –Chinese curse

        If you ask me ‘What’s new?’, I have nothing to say
        Except that the garden is growing.
        I had a slight cold but it’s better today.
        I’m content with the way things are going.
        Yes, he is the same as he usually is,
        Still eating and sleeping and snoring.
        I get on with my work. He gets on with his.
        I know this is all very boring.

        There was drama enough in my turbulent past:
        Tears and passion–I’ve used up a tankful.
        No news is good news, and long may it last.
        If nothing much happens, I’m thankful.
        A happier cabbage you never did see,
        My vegetable spirits are soaring.
        If you’re after excitement, steer well clear of me.
        I want to go on being boring.

        I don’t go to parties. Well, what are they for,
        If you don’t need to find a new lover?
        You drink and you listen and drink a bit more
        And you take the next day to recover.
        Someone to stay home with was all my desire
        And, now that I’ve found a safe mooring,
        I’ve just one ambition in life: I aspire
        To go on and on being boring.

        1. Isobel*

          I love Wendy Cope’s work, and Being Boring is one of my favourite of her poems (also The Orange). But I didn’t know the funeral one, so thank you!

    13. Llama face!*

      A poet I discovered recently and love is Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. She actually reminds me somewhat of Mary Oliver in her style. She writes a lot about nature and grief and relationships and being present in the moment.
      A recent poem she published on her blog uses the growth of mushrooms to talk about grief in a really beautiful way. The poem is called “Mycelial” and her blog is called “A Hundred Falling Veils”. I’ll put the link in a separate reply since it will need to go thtough moderation.

    14. Angstrom*

      The Otter

      When you plunged
      The light of Tuscany wavered
      And swung through the pool
      From top to bottom.

      I loved your wet head and smashing crawl,
      Your fine swimmer’s back and shoulders
      Surfacing and surfacing again
      This year and every year since.

      I sat dry-throated on the warm stones.
      You were beyond me.
      The mellowed clarities, the grape-deep air
      Thinned and disappointed.

      Thank God for the slow loadening,
      When I hold you now
      We are close and deep
      As the atmosphere on water.

      My two hands are plumbed water.
      You are my palpable, lithe
      Otter of memory
      In the pool of the moment,

      Turning to swim on your back,
      Each silent, thigh-shaking kick
      Re-tilting the light,
      Heaving the cool at your neck.

      And suddenly you’re out,
      Back again, intent as ever,
      Heavy and frisky in your freshened pelt,
      Printing the stones.

      –Seamus Heaney

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I hate Emily Dickinson with the fire of a thousand suns (I know everyone can pile on now but I don’t care)
        I love Edna St. Vincent Millay and Swinburne and Robert Graves. Recommend as an anthology The Rattle Bag

    15. Pippa K*

      I don’t have a specific poem to recommend, but you might like the work of Chris La Tray, a Montana writer (both prose and poetry) who often writes about Native issues and the natural world. He has a newsletter via substack and often recommends poets who write about nature.

  28. Fruity Polar Bear*

    I have a predicament for my housing situation. Years ago, one of my parentals received news that they had failing health. If they did not go under immediate surgery, they would have to retire and would have at most 6-12 months to live. They opted not to have surgery as they felt they had a full life. Due to the nature of their work, they had not had an actual residence in years. I offered to let them move in with me and my children. I was under the assumption we could live out the end together since I didn’t think I had much time left with my parental.

    Now, let me preface I DO NOT WANT MY PARENTAL TO DIE. However, it has been 4 years since they moved in and their health has been stable for the last 3 and 1/2 years. I do not foresee it changing anytime soon. My children are getting older and I have them all in one bedroom. I have boys and girls. I am a single parent. I have saved for years but I cannot afford to buy a house to house my children and parental. I could afford a place for just my child and I. My options are limited. I could move into the living room and let my kids sleep in my bedroom. Or I could ask my parental to find their own place so I can use their room. I would feel awful as they have always been dependent on someone and never lived alone.

    This situation is not working though and I don’t know how to approach my parental. Living together at this point in our lives has really strained our relationship. Advice? Commiseration? Thoughts?

    1. Nicosloanican*

      Hmm, this is tough. I think I would ask my parent how they are feeling about the situation as a full partner in this decision. Are they also cramped and uncomfortable? Is this working well for them? Is there a specific fear that, if they could just address that, they would be willing to switch things up (like “I can’t drive and I’m afraid of being stuck but if we could pay for a car service or find a place on public transit I would like that” or “I want to move out but I’m afraid I’ll run out of money, can you look over my budget with me and figure out what my options are?” or “I want to see the kids every day so they don’t forget me”?).

    2. Washi*

      This is so so hard.

      Has your parental been contributing financially? If not, do you think they might be able to chip in so you could all afford a bigger place?

      As tough as it is, I think you’ll have to bring this up with them, maybe framing it around the kids growing up and needing to find a new solution together? Assuming your parental has their cognitive abilities, they are an adult too and can take some responsibility for trying to figure this out with you.

      2. Fruity Polar Bear*

        3 children aged 3 years – 7 years.
        They contribute about $100~ a month. I put that towards rent and pay the rest. I pay for all utilities, household supplies, and food. The only thing I don’t pay for is their car insurance or gas(car is paid off). They do not contribute anything else.

        1. I'm Done*

          Why are they contributing so little? $100 is nothing. They need to equitably share in the household expenses.

        2. WellRed*

          So what is their income? Where does the rest go? Can parent actually work? Do they qualify for any sort of assistance? Do you have a good relationship with this parent or a troubled history?

        3. Clisby*

          Are the children terribly crowded? I shared a bedroom with my younger sister and brother until I was almost 9. I liked it – I was a little afraid of the dark and felt much better having them in the same room. Now, we had a pretty good-sized bedroom – we each had a twin bed and there was plenty of room to move around.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You said the parent had to stop working a couple of years ago but worked before that. If parent has a (limited) life expectancy, they don’t need whatever they had saved for retirement to last 20 years. Can parent give you enough money to afford a three bedroom? It’s probably cheaper for parent than living alone.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Or however many. You can present it like, “Parent I love you but this situation isn’t working for my kids anymore as they grow older. They need their own rooms. I either need you to chip in enough monthly that we can all get a bigger place together or I’ll have to ask you to move out.”

        1. Clisby*

          Children don’t actually *need* their own rooms. I didn’t have a room to myself until I was 14, and that was with the understanding that if anyone came to visit us, my room reverted back to the guest room and I had to move back in with my sister for the duration. My 3 youngest brothers never had a room of their own. At some point, it is better if the girls and boys aren’t sharing rooms, but that is completely not an issue for children aged 3-7.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I agree. I shared a room with my sister until I was 19 and she was 17, and after that we moved into an apartment in the same building that my dad had inherited from his parents (we originally moved there to be closer to them as they aged). Before that, we lived in a 1-bedroom, 55 square meters/600 sq ft apartment. My sister and I shared the bedroom, and my parents’ bed took up half of the living room. As kids, we simply took that for granted, although I suspect that if we’d had our own rooms as kids, we would’ve fought much less. I love my sister dearly now, but the sibling fights we had as kids are one reason why I’m rather relieved that we only have one kid, I would’ve hated to have to deal with that as a parent…

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Respectfully, this works if the kids are all boys or all girls.

            But around here social services will take notice if boys and girls are sharing a bedroom. There should be at least two bedrooms- one for the boys and one for the girls. (I am not sure what OP has, so I used the plural of each.)

            OP definitely tell your parent that you realize this cannot continue you must have at least two bedrooms for the kids as child protective notices these things. You had agreed to around one year at the start but now it has been four years which is something that was not agreed on.
            Present it to him as you are going to move, this is a given. So now the two of you must consider choices.

            If you don’t want to get a house with Parent then don’t put it on the table for discussion. If you don’t mind getting a house with Parent then stipulate what you will need for household expenses. So the first choice might be to share on a house with Parent making a much larger contribution.
            I live very modestly and my mortgage is low. However, with another person here most of my expenses go up- heat, lights, food, water use,. If someone lived with me right now they would need their own phone and food. Plus I’d need about $500 a month to cover all the incidentals that come up from having another person with me. So I assume your number will be greater than $1000 per month.

            Choice two is to seek some where else to live. Perhaps Parent can move in with other family. Perhaps Parent qualifies for senior apartments at a deeply discounted rate. Or maybe it is time for assisted living.

            Choice three is to look at Parent’s illness. Are there support groups that offer resources your Parent can tap? My friend is blind, once she said she wanted help all kinds of help came pouring in. Around here we have homes that are actual houses, where people can stay in their final illness. It’s a form of a group home but for older/sick folks. I have never been to one but the pics on the internet look lovely- like a home not an institution.

            And one warning of caution. You have been paying Parent’s bills. This could work into that you have a history of paying their bills therefore you could be on the hook for future bills. Not all states, not everyone- disclaimer. It might be wise to check with an attorney to find out if there are any legal implications here. If yes, then this can also be something you can say. “Parent, I checked with an attorney and if I continue to support you, I could be on the hook for bills I cannot pay. It’s possible that all of us could be living on the street. I can’t let that happen to my kids but I can help you find affordable housing for yourself.”

            FWIW $100/month is not sustainable, period. There are very few people who could have their parents living with them and still make ends meet on $100 more a month. I am very surprised that you have made it this far. You have been an excellent support for your parent.

      2. Fruity Polar Bear*

        We actually have a 3 bedroom. In our area, renting is difficult to come by. It would be more cost effective and time efficient to buy a house. I do like the verbiage below you listed.

    5. I'm Done*

      Does your parent not have any income to contribute to the household that would allow you to move to a larger place? It sounds like they do since you mention them moving out and I assume that you wouldn’t look at that option if they had no money. If they do have money but are not contributing for whatever reason then they need to start. Have you had any conversation about their plans and your needs? You’re not required to acquiesce to their needs just because it’s more comfortable for them. It’s okay to have your own needs and wants. So, I think for starters you need to really think about what you want the outcome to be and have a sit down with your parent to discuss how to get there.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      It sounds like your parent might need to revisit the funding for their plans because they have a lot more time than initially predicted. Is it time to go back to the doctor’s to see if the timeline is different to initially thought? If he needs somewhere to retire, and you need more space, then chipping in for a bigger house for you all makes sense all around.

    7. Good luck*

      Is a “parental” a person who is standing in lieu of a parent, like a godparent or a close family friend? Or something else? I haven’t heard the term before.

      You say that things with the parental are not working out – do they feel that way also? If I were in my twilight years I probably wouldn’t want to live in an environment where my relationship with my (relative? close family friend?) and their children was becoming strained.

      You also mention that they’ve never lived alone – are they able to afford somewhere to live? Do they require care? What’s the rest of the family situation like? Do they have other relatives/close support people who could contribute, either financially or with care for them?

      Your first obligation is to your kids. Even if the parental was your actual parent, as a parent yourself, your first responsibility would be to your minor children, who depend on you entirely. Having to share a room with two siblings is very challenging, especially if the kids aren’t necessarily close in age, or are old enough that they’re starting to look for more privacy. You have to make the choice that’s right for your kids first.

      You could try approaching this with your parental by being honest about what isn’t working and asking for their input to find a solution together. You can make it clear that you care about them and that it’s important to you to spend time together, but that your current living situation doesn’t accommodate everybody’s needs so you have to make a change. Engage them in helping you figure something out that meets everyone’s needs. Before talking to them, think about who else could help – do you have siblings who are also close to this person? Do they have children/nieces/nephews/cousins themself? Close friends who might like to get a Golden Girls situation happening? :) Then when you talk to them you’ll have a sense of what suggestions you could make.

    8. Tex*

      It depends – can they afford to move out? (Disability payments, Section 8, retirement money, pay the difference in rent for a bigger place, etc.?)

      “Parental – with the kids growing, I don’t think our current arrangement can hold out for much longer. The kids need two bedrooms and food costs are increasing for 5 mouths. Can you XXX (make arrangements to move out/pay more in rent so we can find a bigger place). I can help in Y ways (asking people if they have a room to rent, helping with Section 8 housing forms, etc.)”

  29. WellRed*

    I don’t like my new roommate. She’s only there on weekends for now. I wasn’t crazy about the part time set up because it can get tricky but she was really persistent. Looking back? In conjunction with a few other things, she’s pushy. She complained to my other much younger roommate about paying full rent, etc. (I’ve been away a lot so haven’t had as much contact). She’s not vaccinated, which I guessed, though she’s not in your face about it. She misled on her age, saying she was “over 40.” In reality she’s late 60s. That’s a huge age difference when the other roommate, who is moving out, is only 33 because she does not like new roommate. She’s pleasant enough, but even just getting a text saying she’ll be up for the weekend sets me on edge. She may decide the arrangement us working or she may decide to permanently relocate if she can establish a client base, hence the part time thing. Help! Should I ride it out, fingers crossed? Tell her it’s not working out? I’ve been on vacation for a few weeks and head home tomorrow. There is no lease or anything and I’m a long term tenant that the landlord likes.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you turf older roommate (using the part-time issue as an excuse, maybe throw the landlord under the bus? “Landlord decided they aren’t keen on a part time resident, so sorry!”) would younger roommate stay, or is that horse out the barn already?

      1. WellRed*

        She’s moving furniture this weekend. And honestly, it sounds like a good move for her, with someone similar in age and in her school program. I wish her well. I just wish I could afford, at this point, to stop having roommates.

    3. Red Sky*

      Take the age thing out of it, it’s discriminatory and not really relevant. She’s paying full rent to hold a room, just because she doesn’t use it full time doesn’t mean you can rent it out when she’s not there to make up the lost income. Personally, the not being vaccinated would be enough for me to end the tenancy

      1. WellRed*

        To be clear I’d never bring up the age thing. I was thinking of using the vaccine thing. It’s perfectly reasonable but then I don’t find people who don’t get vaccinated to be all that reasonable.

        1. Red Sky*

          “but then I don’t find people who don’t get vaccinated to be all that reasonable.” amen to that!

    4. Ellis Bell*

      There is a pro and con here. Pro: You want to move away from having roommates and this one won’t be there most of the time. Con: She sets your teeth on edge and she’s pushy. I think the age thing is a red herring. If you got along you wouldn’t care. Given that she might move in full time, the only pro to the situation could be snuffed out at any time. Even if she doesn’t move full time that means it’s not working out for her, and you’re stuck looking for someone again anyway. So..find the right person sooner rather than later? Nip this in the bud before she’s invested is my vote.

      1. WellRed*

        Nip it in the bud is how I’m leaning. I’m already loooking for one roommate and getting good response, why not line up another. I mentioned the age thing because it’s one example of … I dunno, creating a narrative to suit her purpose? There are other examples but that is the first. She owns her own home so she has options.

        1. Books and Cooks*

          FWIW, I think that the fact that she lied about her age /is/ an issue. Not because of her age itself, but just because she lied about it and somehow thought you were too dumb to figure it out, or something? It’s kind of insulting, and it’s not cool to lie to people you are asking or planning to live with. Like you said, creating a narrative to suit her purpose. It would really make me wonder what else she’s untruthful about, and that would make me uncomfortable–she has access to your home and your belongings, it’s not rude or mean to be uncomfortable about having a proven liar in your home, potentially or at least sometimes when you’re not there.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Whoa. So you are losing a roommate because of her? Wow.
              In this case, I think a chat is necessary. “It’s important to get along with others. I need room mates here and that’s not going to change. This room mate left because she became uncomfortable here. I cannot lose the next room mate. It’s up to each room mate to put their best effort into getting along.”

    5. Westsidestory*

      Tell her it’s not working out. Give her 30 days. She has resources so it’s not like you are putting her out on the street, and you can find another roommate.

  30. WellRed*

    In addition to bad household situation, a weird but relatively harmless guy that used to be pushy about asking me out has reappeared at my favorite hangout after and absence of about 5 years. He’s glommed right into me again. I give no signals of interest but I also suspect he’s someone that does not pick up on cues so I try to be polite and kind but had to get up and move seats because He went from pesky the first night to creepy the second night and then I went on vacation. I pray he takes the hint. Why do guys assume we want their company?

    1. PsychNurse*

      I’m a woman too, and the older I get, the less I expect men to “take the hint.” He probably won’t! You can be direct and also kind.

      “Remember last year when you asked me out and I said No thank you? That isn’t going to change. You’re a nice person but I am not interested in you.”

      (He gets defensive. “I’m not hitting on you! I have fourteen girlfriends!”)

      “Okay, good, we are on the same page. I am going over there to sit with my friends. Enjoy your evening.”

        1. PsychNurse*

          Well then it’s never too late!! Haha I thought your comment was written by a 22-year-old, but it made me smile to see that it wasn’t. The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess!

          1. WellRed*

            I was plenty direct in my youth with hands guys or whatever; ) for some reason, it’s this guys awkward pushiness that has me overthinking it.

    2. RagingADHD*

      There is nothing inherently impolite or unkind about being direct.

      “I don’t like the way you’re acting, and I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I’m going over there, and you need to leave me alone.”

      Then if he doesn’t keep his distance, tell management he’s bothering you.

      1. Books and Cooks*

        Yes, this is definitely something you need to tell employees/managers about. Not only can they help get or keep him away, but they can keep an eye on him in general.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      What are the exact behaviours? I find a bit more success in naming the behaviours I want stopped rather than naming the motive. Something like: “Don’t hover over me, don’t send me messages at 3am, don’t stalk my social media and yesterday I had to move seats because you did x”. It tends to be less argument if you say “I don’t care why” rather than “it’s because you want to date me”. You can try framing it as “of course you want to know this because you don’t want someone to be uncomfortable” but if he really wants to be a jerk about it, he will, and it’s still subject to denial and unpleasantness so it’s best to treat it as a band aid and just say what you want to. Say “can we keep our distance?” if that’s what you want. Or if you want to say “I don’t want to date you” or “we aren’t that close” just say it. If behaviours start to creep in again just reinvoke the conversation briefly: “We’ve talked about this”.

    4. Anon y mous*

      I’m approaching 50 and have put on weight in the last few years. I can’t tell you how much I adore moving through the world and being basically invisible to men. Not saying I was off the charts attractive before, but even in my early 40s there was always the looks and unwanted attention and charged conversations with randos. Now, any conversation is literally only about the conversation we’re having.

      Please don’t misunderstand, I absolutely do not advocate toning down your style or gaining weight or altering yourself in anyway to manage another person’s behavior; it’s not a woman’s responsibility to manage men’s behavior and expectations. This post isn’t any kind of advice, it’s just an observation about something that happened in my life that I am really, really enjoying.

      1. Red Sky*

        Yes, totally this! I’m enjoying being 50+ and mostly invisible, now when I do have a social conversation with a man it’s usually due to a mutual interest in something and a lot more genuine and enjoyable without that skeevy vibe (aside from the mansplaining that still persists, but I’m a lot better at calling that out now, too). The contrast has really made me realize how often random men made me uncomfortable (even if they weren’t being obviously creepy) when I was younger.

      2. allathian*

        Yes, this. I noticed the same thing when I hit my 40s and gained some weight. I’ve always been curvy, and slightly overweight, and fairly ordinary looking, but now I’m fat and 50+.

      3. Despachito*

        I am with you on this.

        I love chatting with interesting people, irrespective of gender, but I loathe the idea that a man may be talking to me not out of interest of the topic but for sexual interest.

        Lots of women are very bitter about the fact that men do not catcall them anymore, and complain that they have become “invisible” after reaching a certain age. I am the opposite – I consider it a blessing, and I am glad there are more people out there like me :-)

    5. Maggie*

      If it’s a bar and you’re a regular they might throw him out or ban him if he’s bothering you

    6. beach read*

      I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Your situation may not be frightening at the moment, but the book is a great resource for learning how to handle the glommer. Your library will likely have a copy.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      There is much written about politeness and hints do not work. We’d be here all day citing sources and discussing the finer points.

      Personally I hate hints in any setting. To me it sounds like “Read my mind!”. No, just tell me. And I am a woman not a guy.

      He’s just looking for a warm body, that’s all. And you happen to own a warm body so here you are.

      Tell him that you already said you were not interested and that will not change. Tell him he needs to stop asking and stop hanging out around you in hopes of a different answer. No will remain no. Move on.
      This sounds rude maybe? But what he is doing is rude, unacceptable and tone-deaf to the changes in our society.

      I have a male friend. When I first met him I said I am not interested in dating. Don’t hang out with me for 10years hoping I will change my mind. I don’t want to hear 10 years from now that you spent all this time because you were hoping for more. My answer now is no and ten years from now still will be no. I added, it’s not personal as you will soon figure out I am not dating anyone, it’s a way of life for me.”

      We have been friends for 12 years and that dark boundary line is still in place. So it can happen, people can respect our NO and keep that boundary. It’s not unreasonable to expect him to accept your no. Of course, I’d want an additional boundary that says “get away from me and stay away” if this were happening to me.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Some “magic words” were suggested to me when I had someone interested but I wasn’t, is “I don’t know how you see it, but I don’t see anything between you and me going in a romantic direction.” If that doesn’t work, maybe escalate to “I’ve told you, I’m not interested.” If that doesn’t work, give yourself to be as rude/direct as you need to be. Maybe check out some Captain Awkward columns on issues like this?

  31. Hey now*

    Hi all. I was in a Meetup earlier this year, where I told the founder/organizer that I was a writer. She wanted to see my work. In the past, I’ve written a lot about different cultures such as BIPOC. I got an email a few days later that I was removed from the group, citing this work and that I was profiting off of their labor. We belong to some of the same Meetup groups where I’ve avoided events she’s attending. If I want to go to the same event as she will, how do I handle this? I thought about reporting her original group but I was afraid that it would backfire.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know if there’s even anything to report (admittedly Meetup hasn’t really taken off near me so I’m not sure what overall rules exist). You weren’t a good fit for a group, for just or unjust reasons, and you wouldn’t want to be in it now anyway. If you see her elsewhere, I think you’re polite but distant and focused elsewhere. I wouldn’t remake my life to avoid her.

    3. Nicosloanican*

      I think I’m a bit puzzled. Is it a writing group, or is your writing totally unrelated to the subject of the meetup? I think it makes a bit of difference because if she feels that your writing is exploitative and it’s a writing critique meetup that she’s in charge of, I understand why there’s no path forward. There’s no point reporting her or the groups, these are voluntary gatherings. If it’s a hiking meetup, she’s being a bit power-mad asking to see your work and then excluding you from the group because she doesn’t like it, although I would wonder if it confirmed something else about your behavior in her mind. Either way, you still can’t report the group about it … but you can feel justified about being indignant.

    4. RagingADHD*

      That’s really confusing. I might, coming from a writer’s perspective, want to hear what she had to say about “profiting off someone’s labor,” because I don’t understand what that means in this context. Did she think you were going to use her as an unpaid sensitivity reader, or something? Did she think you were co-opting stories from the Meetup members to fuel your own work? Did she think you were writing stereotypes? Or is she philosophically opposed to people writing outside their own experiences? I’m curious as to whether there’s useful critique there or not.

      But it might not be worth trying to have a conversation if she’s going to block you pre-emptively. That doesn’t bespeak a willingness to discuss it in good faith.

      Just go to the event and be polite. If you feel up to it and have the opportunity, you could say something like, “I was very surprised at your response to reading the (story, book, script, whatever). I certainly never intended to profit off anyone else’s labor. Could we talk about it, so I can understand your perspective better?” And then if she does, it’s best to mostly listen and thank her for her honesty. And think about it later to see if there’s anything to be learned or not.

      But if you don’t think it’s worth it (or don’t trust yourself to stay detached), you can just be polite, act normal, and keep a bit of distance. Assume that she has misunderstood you, and that if her understanding were true, her reaction would be reasonable.

      In other words, just because someone is mad at you, you are not obligated to be mad back.

      1. North Wind*

        This is really good advice.

        It feels like there is some missing context here, I can’t understand what went sideways. Do you understand what the person meant (even if you don’t agree with them) when they say you’re profiting off their labor, or are you also confused by this?

          1. Chilipepper Attitude*

            Profiting off their labor in this context (writing about Black, indigenous, and other people of color) sounds like you listened to or read the work created by Black, indigenous, and other people of color, learned from them, and based your work on that. i.e., you benefitted from their labor, they educated you, and you get the rewards.

            I don’t know where the line here should be or could be in whose work you based yours on or how justified she was or was not, but I suspect that is what the original comment meant. You were getting what is called in equality work “called in” by the meetup leader to do better. She privately removed you rather than publicly calling you out.

            I also suspect you recognize this from the fact that you avoid seeing her and that your first instinct was to report her instead of asking for clarification, or better yet, doing your own research into what she meant (looking at where you got your info in your writing and honestly assessing her critique).

            She might be totally wrong, I don’t know, but she gave you some valuable information about how others might see your work. The solution might be as simple as acknowledging the creators who informed your work.

            1. Observer*

              I don’t know where the line here should be or could be in whose work you based yours on or how justified she was or was not, but I suspect that is what the original comment meant. You were getting what is called in equality work “called in” by the meetup leader to do better. She privately removed you rather than publicly calling you out.

              That’s not what being “called in” is. Yes, it wasn’t a public berating, but that’s not the whole of “calling in”. It’s far closer to “cancelling” without the calling out (assuming that the leader didn’t announce the removal in the group.)

              Had this been an actual call out, there would have been some explanation of what they actually meant by that.

              I don’t know where the line here should be or could be in whose work you based yours on or how justified she was or was not, but I suspect that is what the original comment meant. You were getting what is called in equality work “called in” by the meetup leader to do better. She privately removed you rather than publicly calling you out.

              No she didn’t. The way she handled the situation means that the OP has not way to know what they could change, nor whether this is something that’s likely to happen again or just one unreasonable person.

              And, by the way, you’re making a lot of assumptions here. How do you know that the OP is not acknowledging people whose work they benefited from?

            2. SofiaDeo*

              Chilipepper Attitude, I don’t know about your paragraph 3. Someone taking an aggressive, unilateral move like removing me from a *dining* group after asking to read my writing, without any questions attempting to clarify intent or any explanation, would creep me out and I too would want to avoid them. One of my assumptions would be, if someone wrote something that I thought co-opted or profited from someone’s labor, there would be some sort of comment/discussion, as RagingADHD noted.

              To Hey Now, I would think you would treat this as any other person you met and didn’t really get along with. Being polite at public events you both happen to be attending is all that one is required to do. Distant is good IMO, because this person seems really odd to me, but polite.

          2. North Wind*

            The way she handled things with you is really crappy. I agree with fposte to not rearrange your life to avoid her, but keep things polite and distant if you have to be in the same company.

    5. MushroomVolley*

      “I’ve written a lot about different cultures such as BIPOC.”
      I’m guessing you are not a member of BIPOC or you would have offered this differently. So I read this is you, a white person, we’re in a dining group with BIPOC. The leader read your work “about BIPOC” and interpreted your membership in the dining group as you having mined it for material. I think Chillipepper have you some good advice on reflection, especially if you continue to write about marginalized communities you don’t belong to. As to your actual question, you can be polite and avoid her.

  32. Nack*

    Looking for advice on rehoming a pet :(

    In April we got a black lab puppy. Within about six weeks my husband also started a new job (very different hours) and I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. The last several months have felt so chaotic, like we just have way too much on our plates, and we have begun to talk about getting rid of the dog.

    I feel a lot of guilt over rehoming him. I also don’t want to “fail” as pet owners. But when I think about not having him any more, I also would feel a sense of relief. But I’m not sure if we should struggle through or just admit now that it’s not working.

    Some of the major challenges:
    -husband is the one who really wanted a dog and unfortunately his new work hours have him away from home a lot more than anticipated. We expected some early mornings or evenings but it’s almost every day that he does one or both of those leaving me home with the dog and 2&4 year olds.
    – I have always been neutral to cool about dogs and now I find myself the primary care taker. And puppies are a lot of work! He needs a lot of training and frankly I have no idea how to train him. (Not getting on the couch, not stealing food off the table etc)
    – I work from home (self employed, something like an Etsy shop). Since we’ve gotten the dog I’m probably working 10% of the hours I worked before because he needs so much attention. Obviously less work = less income.
    – I feel like I’m always bouncing between the kids and the dog. The dog is not allowed in their bedroom or our upstairs playroom, so if I’m with the kids, the dog is alone (and vice versa). And neither the kids or the dog take well to being left alone or long.
    – the wear and tear on our house is surprising! Aside from normal dog hair everywhere, our walls our getting filthy from him running by them/jumping on them, and he tore a hole in the Sheetrock in the span of time it took me to get dressed one morning. So now we’re stressed about leaving him alone even for a few minutes. (He’s in the crate if we leave the house).

    Sorry for writing a novel, but I would love some advice. Should we keep trying and hope things get better? Should we try to find him a new family? If so, how? We wouldn’t want him to end up in a shelter especially if there is a possibility of euthanasia. Just at a loss on how to move forward.

    1. WellRed*

      He’s still a puppy and labs are pretty popular. It should be easy to find a good home for him.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you want to keep trying, which almost certainly involves throwing money at the problem, there are options. I also got my puppy in April and in June and July, she spent a total of four weeks (in two week chunks, about three weeks in between) going to basically a puppy kindergarten, I dropped her off every weekday morning and she spent the day with other puppies and dogs, getting a lot of opportunities for socialization (with both puppies and older dogs) and some in-depth one on one training on manners, leash walking, etc, then picked her up again in the late afternoons. Twice a week I also had a 1:1 session with her and her trainer, to show me how to apply what she was learning. We weren’t able to do that with my older dog and the difference is stark, especially when we’re out and about. If a day program isn’t feasible, there are also board-and-train programs, where they basically take your puppy away for 2-3 weeks and do the same kind of thing, then you have a session at the end where you get the rundown of what they learned etc. These aren’t cheap options, for sure, but like I said the in-depth training made a huge difference. (And my pup is a Great Dane, so I was all over throwing money at making sure she has good manners early on before she got to 120 pounds – I probably wouldn’t have done it with a smaller dog before this, but now that I’ve seen the difference, I’d plan on it for any future puppies personally.) If you decide you want to go that route, your vet will probably have some training recommendations in your neck of the woods. (On the unlikely chance you’re in Indianapolis, Bark Tutor in Broad Ripple is great – like I said I used their day program, which has both a puppy version and an over-five-months-old version, but they have a board-and-train facility too.)

      That said, I don’t have kids and while my husband travels for work occasionally, we both WFH on the regular. It’s a lot for me, and you’ve got a lot more going on, so no judging here! If it’s too much, it’s too much. For rehoming options – where did you get the puppy? Either a breeder or a shelter probably had a clause in the purchase/adoption contract that says if you can’t keep the puppy you need to return it to them, so unless you picked him up off a street corner somewhere, I’d start by going back to where you got him. They are unlikely to judge you (or if they are, they’ll not tell you at least), and they want the best for the puppy too.

    3. Nicosloanican*

      In some ways, puppies are the very worst and you’re right in middle of it, so if you could wait her out it’s possible the workload and mess would become more acceptable. On the other hand, labs are powerful, high energy dogs and an untrained one (this is the time to train them) will still be a pain in the neck as an adult. It doesn’t sound like you are getting any benefits out of dog ownership even if the dog was less work. Your husband should be in charge of finding a loving new home for the dog. In future if you’re ever moved to adopt again, only look at calm adult dogs. As a rescue foster, it is brutally hard when people take in dogs at their most adoptable age and then return them six months later when they’re no long as desirable, plus now have bad habits – so perhaps give generously to an animal shelter this year – but don’t beat yourself up. It happens and the dog will probably be happy elsewhere.

      1. Nack*

        Yes this is why I’m back and forth! I know if we could manage to train him, he could be a lovely pet. But right now we are struggling to make that training happen and I don’t want to “ruin” him.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your situation changed drastically, and it’s not an ideal situation for the puppy or for you. Dogs are happier when they are properly trained and socialized, and it is not reasonable to expect you (with 2 and about to be 3 kids under 5 yo) to learn from scratch how to train a dog on top of everything else.

      Are there breed-specific rescues near you? Where did you get him from? They might have had more inquiries about puppies and be able to match you with another prospective owner.

      1. Ali G*

        Agree – definitely contact the breeder where you got him. Some breeders require this and they can help you rehome him. Do it sooner rather than later – he needs training before he becomes a giant untrained lab.

        1. Nicosloanican*

          I always think this is a tough requirement, although I also understand it. My rescue org has the same rule if I can’t keep my dog for any reason – I’m supposed to return the dog to them. Now in my case, the dog looooved his foster family so if he could go back there (I assume I like, died in a car accident) it would probably be his first choice anyway. But if that specific foster couldn’t take him, I would much prefer he go to someone I know loves and cares about him, like one of my friends or my cousin that sees him all the time. Particularly if it’s a scenario where I was, say, badly injured and no longer able to live at home or something, I wouldn’t want him to go back to a literal shelter. I would feel like I needed to hide from the people who wanted to take my dog away! I hope rescue orgs will let the dog go to the cousin but just vet the cousin and keep track of the situation. I don’t know how it really goes.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I would expect that if a returned dog comes back with a person lined up who already knows and wants them, a rescue would rather, as you say, vet them for adoption and roll with it rather than turn that down and have to go through the whole process over again – if only to save themselves the time and expense of starting over from scratch.

            I think in general the requirement is more to fend off any “Well, I don’t know anyone who wants this dog, so I guess I’ll just put it in a box out on the curb labeled ‘free puppy’ because I don’t know what other options there are” type situations – almost like the “please put books here instead of on the shelf” cart at the library, like if you don’t know what to do with it, just put it here in this safe spot instead of trying to wing it and doing something harmful for lack of other options.

            1. Nicosloanican*

              Yeah it’s definitely preferable to return a dog to the original rescue versus drop them off at a pound (but dogs are microchipped by the original rescue, so is this a super high concern) and I bet there’s a grey area where it’s like, “oh I gave it to my hairdresser” or a friend/family member who is clearly a bad option for reasons. Some rescues are just reeeeallll persnickety and it would be heartbreaking to have to surrender a beloved dog to strangers because my cousin has a four foot fence instead of a six foot fence, or whatever.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                oo, true – I didn’t think about the super persnickety rescues, because that’s not something I’ve ever experienced. My older dog and both my husband’s cats came from two different rescues and both of them were like “this is a (puppy/kitten), you know they can be jerks and it’s all on you to make sure they grow up not jerks, right? Cool. Do you plan to feed it? Where will it sleep? Do you know what a vet is? Ok, adoption fee is $x, cash or card?” and we were on our way out with critters and basic supplies within an hour. :P

          2. Cat and dog fosterer*

            Rescues and breeders are fine if you rehome the dog to someone who you know will take good care of it. They may have strict language in the contract, but I can’t imagine them acting on it. They only want to prevent the cats and dogs being dropped off at high-kill shelters or abandoned. If something were to happen to me, my pets would go to family and I wouldn’t tell the rescue (although they would know because I still volunteer for them). We adopt out to seniors and ask them what plans they have if the pet outlives them, because we prefer not to have to rehome a senior cat or dog in 5-10 years. Typically they have a specific family member who has agreed to take in the pet.

        2. Bluebell*

          I’d second the suggestion of contacting the breeder or rescue you got the puppy from. In many cases, that’s in the contract. If you got the puppy from a pet shop, try a lab-specific rescue. (Though the all breed rescue I volunteer with has lab mixes, and they usually get adopted pretty quickly) I think you are doing the right thing- your life has changed, and you’ll have even less time when the baby arrives. Maybe in the future you will be in a better situation for a dog, and maybe then you and your husband can decide if an older dog might be a more pragmatic choice. I hope it all works out ok.

      2. PsychNurse*

        I agree! For all the internet rhetoric about “pets are the same as family”— it isn’t true. This is a pet, not a child, and re-homing him isn’t a crime against animals. It sounds like you want what is best for yourself AND for the dog. Someone would love to take a lab puppy, no question!

      3. Nack*

        Thank you for this kind reply. I think the guilt largely comes from feeling that we were too impulsive maybe? Neither my husband or I had any clue about dog training and definitely underestimated how much work it would be.

        1. Books and Cooks*

          Think of it this way: not only do you deserve the dog-free home, or different dog, you want…the dog deserves a home where all of his needs will be met, too. Despite all the rhetoric about how evil it is to rehome a dog, the fact is, if the dog doesn’t fit into your life and home, it deserves to find a home where it WILL fit, and be happier.

          I agree with the suggestion above about one of those away-training-programs, but if you can’t afford it or just don’t want to, that’s fine. You’re not abandoning the dog, you’re finding a better home for him than yours. That’s not a bad thing to do. You’re not driving out to a different neighborhood and tossing it out of the car, here, you’re finding someone else who wants it…and I agree, a puppy will be easy to rehome. (I’d take it this minute, if I could, lol.)

          Call the breeder, or start asking around; you might work with someone or know someone who is looking for a puppy already, or has family or friends who are. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It could be the best possible thing for the dog as well as for you, and you are not a bad person for doing it. (And yes, puppies are a TON of work; we got our GSD as a puppy, and we /adore/ him and he /adores/ us, but I still wish I’d known more and done some things differently with him.)

    5. Pop*

      I am a huge dog lover with a toddler, and so I do say this with some compassion: I think you should get rid of your dog. Your dog is an age/breed where they will have no trouble being adopted. And many of the things that you are struggling with (time, energy, mental space) are going to be way worse once your new baby arrives. My SIL just had her third kid and they definitely had a “we did this twice before, we are prepared!” attitude, and it has been a huge, difficult adjustment for their whole family. Even if new baby is the chillest baby ever, it’s a huge adjustment and you’re already feeling tapped out. I absolve you of your guilt!

      I know rehoming a dog can be pretty taboo but I think you’ll find some support if you talk to other parents of littles who have pets. My dog is my absolute best friend and a relatively well trained adult dog; he comes everywhere with me and we had him for five years before having my daughter. And still I think about how much less work it would be if we didn’t have him.

      1. Nicosloanican*

        I also have several friends who had to rehome beloved pets after they had kids because the kid/dog combination was – not good! A sweet senior dog was snapping and growling at the baby, another was okay with the baby stage but was getting possessive of the kid’s toys and food, pushing a toddler over to get to things etc. All were lovingly rehomed and are probably happier now that the stress and competition is out of their lives. I couldn’t reproach any of these people for their choice (and it at least one case a good friend took the dog so they can still see him). A loving responsible pet owner makes sure that their pet is rehomed to a good place.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        You got the dog in good faith, but your husband’s job changed, and you’re expecting a third child. I’m sure there are people who could solo train a labrador puppy while simultaneously looking after three children under five, but most people would be overwhelmed. From what you describe, I don’t think things are working now – you can’t properly train a puppy while looking after toddlers when the kids and dog need to be separated.

        You’ll have better luck rehoming a puppy than an adult dog who has been poorly trained. If you decide to keep the dog to see if things work out, I think you really need to hire a private trainer and get the dog well trained, and probably have the dog in doggy day care (or with a walker) for part of each day. If you can’t commit to the training, plus lots of regular exercise for the dog, you need to rehome it as soon as possible.

      3. tangerineRose*

        Labs can be great dogs, but they’re big, exuberant dogs who sometimes act puppy-like for the first couple of years. It makes a lot of sense that you would be overwhelmed under the circumstances. Also, he’s still at a great age to be adopted. Finding him a new home might be the best for everyone.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      You would fail as a pet owner if you set your pet up to fail. Acknowledging that this is not a good environment for him, that he needs a home that can provide things that you cannot (training, for one!), and taking the steps to ensure that he gets what he needs is not setting him up for failure, but for success.

      This one is an anecdote, but I think it’s probably something you want to be aware of if you’ve got young children in the house. As a child, my brother also got a labrador puppy. My parents actually did try to train the puppy, but there were issues- if you’ve heard of springer rage syndrome, that’s what it was most like. They kept him to adulthood trying to figure out the issue. A fully grown, adult male labrador retriever can absolutely overpower a young child. My dad was right there to rescue me, but it was still pretty upsetting.

    7. Chestnut Mare*

      Look for a breed rescue and surrender the dog to them. They will get him trained and find a home that is appropriate for his needs.

    8. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Training is one small part of dealing with a young lab, and a big part of it is getting them exercise. I work with a lot of large dogs who are owner surrendered at 6-18 months old, and others who are found abandoned at 2-4 years old, and often a lot of the behaviors are resolved with exercise and consistent training. The training doesn’t take a lot of time each day once habits are set, but it requires repeating things regularly and it can take at least an hour each day at first, plus an hour of exercise daily.

      I have no kids, and I find the exercise and training process to be exhausting. I find it so much easier if the dog is given over by the owners by 18 months old, because they adapt much better. If you got your dog as a young pup then he would be less than 9 months old, and I would plead with you to find him a new home now rather than in a year or two. Do it now when he can adapt much more quickly. As others have said, he’s young and a popular breed, and will easily get a new home. Try the breeder or rescue if that’s where he came from, and know that they get some returns for this reason so you aren’t alone. In my experience there is probably 1 return for every 50 dogs adopted out (that’s very much a guess, but of 300 dogs a year I see 5-10 returns). It’s often due to bad timing – dogs need more work at first, and new jobs, death in the family, moving cities, and new children can change the family balance.

      I judge when people abandon a dog when it gets old and they replace it with a new pup, and I judge when people ignore big problems for years until their dog is a biting, unadoptable mess, but other than that I really support it when people know their limits. Do what is best for the dog, which is also what is best for you!

      If you can’t return him or find a good rescue then post on facebook or send out an email with the same info that you would find on a rescue’s post (photo, age, breed, vetting, personality description, if house-trained) and ask friends and family to share. Adoptions were very slow this past summer but should start up again soon, so now is a good time to find him a new home!

      Thank you for knowing your limits – this isn’t the right time for you, and that’s okay.

      1. Nack*

        Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Maybe you can give some training advice. One of our big issues is that he is now big enough to steal food off the table. My kids are too young to fend him off effectively so every meal time is massively stressful. What’s an effective way to train him not to jump up?

        1. Books and Cooks*

          Look into e-collar training!! Some people think e-collars are cruel, but ***used correctly,*** they are not. There are some free or inexpensive ebooks on the subject, even, and it’s been proven that dogs learn faster using them–again, when used correctly. An e-collar would be perfect for something like the problem you describe: you shout, “No!” and give them a low-level zap to reinforce it. (LOW LEVEL, so it’s just an irritating tinge that gets their attention, not a sharp pain. There are some e-collars that have a vibrate function or something, too; the idea is to get them to pay attention to your verbal command, not hurt them for not hearing it to begin with.) The trick is to react fast, so they learn that buzz = no, and be consistent.

          Seriously, you could get results with something like you’re describing in as fast as a day or two. (It might take longer, but it could be very quick.)

          1. Cat and dog fosterer*

            Have you trained a lot of people to use ecollars for training? I doubt it, because every trainer I know who has worked with ecollars eventually gave up because they are so picky and need immense precision. Owners who have one dog and rely on experienced training rarely have the skills. For those I know, long-term the ecollars were more likely to make things worse rather than better.

            Plus the huge safety risk that this introduces! A dog seeking food on a table is biting at anything it can find, and adding a surprise stimulus around little fingers makes me very worried about the potential consequences.

        2. Books and Cooks*

          I don’t know why my reply about e-collar training didn’t post, but please look into them. Used correctly they are very safe and effective, and dogs can learn extremely quickly through their use.

          1. ShinyPenny*

            Except the context here is a person who has never thought about animal behavior, and is starting at absolute zero with dog training.
            Anyone in that position will naturally have very little skill at *identifying* the exact moment when positive or negative reinforcement would help move a dog in the desired direction– and equally little skill in managing to *apply* the the reinforcement even once The Right Moment can be identified.
            Purely on the basis of a lack of timing skills, a shock collar is a pretty risky tool for a newby. It is so unlikely to be used “correctly.” And a shock caller used “incorrectly” can cause… a lot of serious problems.

        3. ShinyPenny*

          I’m so sorry, but I think this question, in the context of your whole situation, is not the best use of your energy. Please don’t let the sad feelings prevent you from doing the loving thing of safely and quickly rehoming this pup. Big dogs get increasingly unruly and challenging to manage from about 8 months until 18 or 24 months, and that’s just a normal life phase when they live with an EXPERIENCED dog owner who is comfortable with a lifestyle of consisten, non-dramatic training **24/7**. I cannot imagine anyone in your situation being able to learn how to do that in the needed timeline. It’s better to realize the scope of the problem now, because the problem is so likely to keep growing. The situation has changed, and it’s ok to find a better life for all of you.

          1. ShinyPenny*

            In the meantime, the interim solution that I’ve helped single mothers with young kids actually implement successfully is **management** (not so much training, because learning HOW to train takes significant time and bandwidth, which you very realistically are saying you don’t have).
            Option one: Crate the dog near you when food is out, so the dog is not isolated but is also prevented from continuing to develop bad & worse habits.
            Option two: Install a wall hook/coat hook about 30 inches off the floor (into a stud!) near where the kids are fed, and tie the dog there. So, again, the pup is WITH his people, but he is UNABLE to violate the rules, in a situation where the adult human simply cannot do the needed training in the moment. So, any choice he is ABLE to make is acceptible, because you have eliminated his ability to do anything else.

            Both of these options are best implemented WITH praise and well-timed food reinforcement to head off other potential problems (vocalization, leash chewing, object destruction) but those problems are less bad than the other inevitable problems with the current situation (constant corrections, bad feelings, yelling, food aggression, overall misery, teaching him to ignore your voice, etc. etc.)
            You can “make sucess easier” by having the leash only 30″ long, by moving all furniture/etc out of reach, and having puppy toys IN reach, by using a 30″ length of chain instead of chewable leash, by praising when Pup is quiet(er)…
            But these are only a temporary ways to reduce current suffering and limit the damage (to the puppy’s mental health and future well-being) of the current situation. It is not “a solution” because the problem is bigger that this one specific situation. (Behavior/training problems are globally networked together, and you can’t really solve just one in isolation.)
            From your description, it does sound like the puppy would do better in a household that was realistically able to welcome his chaos and *enjoy* the next 2 years of training. It’s ok to realize that now. Best wishes and much sympathy to you.

            1. ShinyPenny*

              (Of course the tether should be long enough to allow the pup to choose to lay flat on the floor.)

        4. Cat and dog fosterer*

          I agree with the suggestion to just manage the situation. Training for this would be to give them something else to do. You can train them to stay out of the room, or to sit in a specific place. But I don’t train, instead I use a baby gate so they can see me but not be at the table. When my dogs get used to being calm behind the gate, I let them in and they hang out. If they jump up, I give a stern No! and put them behind the gate. But with kids and a busier table, the temptation to a dog to jump up would be so strong, and would be almost impossible to fight. You can do a frozen kong (put moist kibble in a kong toy and freeze it) and give it to the dog at meal time as a distraction. It both distracts them and tires out their brain, which helps in many ways. I hope that helps!

    9. Chiming in*

      This may sound harsh to pet owners (which I am one), but people are more important than animals. That means you should not sacrifice you and your children’s well-being for a dog. Either invest in professional training if you can afford it, or get rid of the dog using one of the many good suggestions among the comments here.

    10. Sundial*

      You can’t make it work with what you’ve described here. Your husband wanted the dog, he was supposed to be the main owner, but now that’s shifted to you because he can’t do it. Dogs need one human to consistently be their boss, you can’t constantly shift that role back and forth. Rehoming it now rather than later is better for the dog.

      1. Clisby*

        That’s what I think. Especially since OP was neutral/cool on the idea of getting a dog in the first place.

        That’s the reason we don’t have a dog. My husband and kids all really like dogs. I don’t like them at all (We always had a dog when I was growing up, but we lived out in the country and people typically didn’t let dogs into the house. They were outside animals. As long as they knew they were at the absolute bottom of the pack pecking order, I could tolerate them just fine.)

        A few times when my kids broached the idea of getting a dog, I just shut it down. No dog is going to live in my house, and we don’t live where the dog can sleep in a barn. If I had caved in, I know exactly who would have had to do most of the work of caring for a dog, and no way I would do that.

      2. Dog and cat fosterer*

        I foster dogs and in many situations there is no consistent boss. It’s not an issue, provided people are consistent with expectations and rules. This problem is fundamentally that OP is too busy to train, and so is her husband. Some dogs may only respond well to one person, so there are situations where having multiple humans training a dog won’t work, but a young, happy, smart lab is very unlikely to be in that situation.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      You got me on the part about feeling relief.

      I have a friend who could not make a go of it with her hyper dog. She rehomed it to a rescue that was also a horse farm. The dog spends its days RUNNING with horses. Yes, very hyper. She said the same thing about relief. And yet, that rehoming still involved a lot of crying. It is possible to have relief and still cry like a baby.

      This is a hard thing in life. It’s very hard to control how the animal ends up and where it goes after you. Part of letting go is the cold realization that we can’t control what happens next. My friend’s story landed well because she found someone who understood her animal. So I am sure this will happen for you because you show a lot of thought in what you are doing.

      And you can also vow that the next time you will use a different plan, probably a stronger plan because of all you have seen and learned here. Pouring over some puppy books before bringing the next one home would be a tremedously supportive activity also.

    13. Engineer Gal*

      Owner of 3 year old high energy lab mix here-sounds like rehoming the pup would be the best thing for your family and the dog

      Do it now when he’s a puppy-will be much easier to find a new home-and easier on the dog as well

  33. Russian in Texas*

    TW, mental health and suicide mentioned.
    How do you stop expecting yet another catastrophe?
    In the last 8 weeks:
    Roof leaked. Fixed to the tune of $3k, need to get them back to redo one spot.
    A/C died. The home warranty company basically screwed up (claimed the motor died not because it was 20 years old, which they knew, and did the tune up could months prior, but because the grass was too tall around it, and refused to fix it). Got that fixed for $2k, but there was no guarantee that it will last, so we went ahead and installed the whole new system, for $17k (at least got credit for the already spent $2k). These were very unpleasant few days, in the high 90s temperatures.
    Last Saturday the pipe in the attic above my home office developed a small leak. We only noticed due to me sorting some paperwork and going upstairs, I usually don’t go upstairs over the weekend. Got that fixed, although that was a THING with the emergency service, they never showed, good thing our regular plumber came on Sunday. Small leak. And yet, on Monday, it dropped half of the office ceiling on to me, I managed to just scramble away. So for the last two days the sheetrock guys been doing the repairs. For this and couple older water damaged spots. None of which is above the hone insurance deductible.
    Yesterday, while leaving the driveway to go get some food, my tire sprung a low. Same wheel that in June I had to replace due to hitting an object on an interstate and having the full blowout.
    There is likely another pipe leak, just outside the house, which will involve some digging. And there is load bearing porch column that is folding on itself, and needs to be fixed ASAP (foundation guys? Masons? It’s concrete).
    Oh yeah, and my dad been fast spiraling in to paranoia, depression, and most likely dementia. Last month he tried to kill himself, as not to be a burden for his family. He refuses any medical diagnosis, signing medical leave from work took 5 hours of cajoling.
    Every time now there is an unexpected noise in the house, someone says “I have a news”, unexpected call or text from step-mom or siblings, my stomach just drops, and my brain goes blank.

      1. Russian in Texas*

        I am not at all religious, but I am feeling like doing some curse lifting ritual or something at this point!

        1. WellRed*

          A favorite visual of a good friend was her sage-ing her hilly yard one night, while a bit drunk and wearing very high heels after separating from her husband.

    2. Ali G*

      I am so sorry – this is so rough! It’s hard being on edge for so long. Please take some time for self care – whatever that means for you.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I’m so sorry, what a run of bad upon worse!

      I don’t think you can just switch off the negative anticipation. It’s only to be expected. And when you are worried about a big deal like your dad’s illness, it seems to magnify and merge with all the other crappy stuff into one big giant tunnel of crap where you can’t see the light at the other end.

      It’s important that you’re taking care of your body, because emotional stress is also physical. When you can’t do anything about one side of the system, you can change the other side, and it helps.

      So I’m sure you know the drill: exercise, sleep, nutrition, hydration. And emotional support to talk about it with an outside person.

      I’m really sorry you’re dealing with all this, and I especially hope your dad gets the help he needs and gets better very soon.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          If you feel it’s covid-safe enough for your taste, could you take a little break from your stress by going and getting a massage or something? And if that doesn’t feel safe, maybe a nice warm bubble bath at home with a good book and some music and your favorite-smelling lotion for afterwards?

          I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this! I know it’s hard when you’ve got a parent with a LOT of needs, but please take breaks now and then, even if you don’t really feel like it.

    4. the cat's ass*

      Omg, I am so sorry-that is stressful to the max and I’d be flinching, too! I went thru a stretch like that a few years ago, where it was just thing upon thing upon thing. Things that helped me was adopting a “Okay, things are just terrible now, I’m going to embrace the suck.” I also had a Team Cat’s Ass where i could vent/delegate some things/take a deep breath. And over a period of 6 months, it did get better. I look back in this period with horror but also gratitude because a few unexpected folks stepped up and helped save us. I hope your fam can persuade your dad into getting some sort of care. Hugs from a random internet stranger, if you’d like them.

    6. RosyGlasses*

      Just giving some internet love to you – this is an incredibly hard situation to be in — all the stressors coming in at once. Echoing what other readers have mentioned about taking care of yourself – do you have the option to take FMLA (if you’re US based)? You may be able to take a short leave if you can find a therapist that would sign off — and if you were able to afford the time and space. Altho for some folks I know work is a place they can bury themselves.

      Regardless – I hope you are able to find spaces Of mental peace; enjoying your favorite cup of tea, enjoying a walk thru a nature park — anything that can bring short bursts of peace and happiness so you can “retrain” your mind that not every lived experience will be a trauma.

    7. Generic Name*

      Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this at the same time! I went through a similar period a few years ago. A bunch of stuff happened with my house and homeowner’s insurance while I was in the middle of a divorce. It sucked!

    8. Ampersand*

      I’m really sorry about all you’re having to deal with! My family is going through something similar—and instead of just hoping nothing else bad happens (though I do hope the bad luck ends soon!), I’ve taken a practical approach and tried to anticipate what else could go wrong. I figured it might help to anticipate whether another appliance might break or the roof needed repairing soon, etc. In other words—make a plan for what *could* go wrong and how you’ll deal with it when possible. I know not everything can be accounted or planned for, but some of this stuff can be thought about in advance.

      In your case, maybe it would help to think about what you’re capable of helping with in regards to your dad and knowing what your boundaries are there. And doing an inventory of how old your appliances are and if any more are likely to need repair or replacing soon. YMMV—I tend to be really practical and the thing that helps me most in times of uncertainty is to have a plan just in case.

      Otherwise: meditating or praying, taking deep breaths, doing fun things to distract yourself from the crap life throws at you, screaming into a pillow (I did this more than once in 2020–it was a very hard year). Sometimes this is all you can do!

      I hope life settles down and you get a break soon!

    9. allathian*

      Oh, no, I’m so sorry about everything that’s happening to you, and especially about your dad.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, most people would be holding up a white flag for truce at this point. I am so sorry all this happening to you.

      Maybe you can get some contractor to come and brace the porch roof until the repair can be done. The leak- that sounds like a dig but leaks are weird and it’s hard to know for certain.

      Get a house journal. Start writing down what has been repaired and the date. It’s a theory of mine that a house needs a reworking every 25-30 years. You can start building time frame references just by keeping a log of what you have repaired so far. These journals have various sections and categories to look at and fill out if you like.
      Key point for me: I date every entry I make.

      Another practical thing to do is when not paying off all these bills you can replenish the savings. The worst thing is not to have some resources behind us.

      Your dad. Gosh, I am so sorry. One thing that helped me when thinking about my parents’ poor choices is “How do I want people to respond to me in a similar situation?”. I found my answer was very different from what I was telling my parents. Some times the ultimate act of love is to place someone else’s preferences ahead of our own preferences that we want for them. Let your love for your family help balance things as you work this through.

      I don’t know why life can rain down on us like you show here. I have been where you are. It does work through somehow, and no not everything that happens is ideal. I came out the other side and I know I am forever changed for the experiences. I’d like to think I changed in good ways, not just bad ways. I will forever remember those times.

      Touch base with friends. Write in here when you have questions. Talk to some pros- this could be contractors, medical people, what ever is appropriate. This is too much to do alone. Bring other well chosen people with you to help you. Don’t force yourself to be alone- you don’t have to be alone here.

  34. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

    Hi! Since y’all were so helpful in helping me get a job (like everyone gave me options when I didn’t think I had any), I’m wondering if you have any advice for the next step: moving!

    I need Moving 101. From how to make this process easier (I do have a spreadsheet going!) to tips to possible locations.

    I’m (finally!) moving from my parents house into my own place in Chicago. I’m hoping to be moved by the end of the year, and I’m trying to do as much research as possible so when I actually start looking (ideally in another month or so), I’ll have a pretty solid idea of where I want to go. Is this a realistic timeline? Should I plan on this process taking longer?

    I would also love neighborhood recs! I can and will do my own research, but I’d love to hear from people who have been there. I’m on a budget of $1,400 max (I’m trying to be Responsible) and I don’t drive so would like to have a lot of public transit options (which is partially why I’m looking to move to the city instead of staying in the suburbs). I plan on spending a lot of time on said apartment, so I don’t need to have a lot of extra spending money haha.

    And if anyone has more general moving tips and tricks, please let me know!

    1. WellRed*

      I’d be genuinely shocked if you can rent your own place for $1400 in Chicago ( or any major city). Does your max budget include all utilities? I think your timeline sounds realistic, though. I’d get recommendations for neighborhoods ( university area? Family friendly?) and then spend time really exploring: ride the transit, hang out in the park or coffee shop, walk around.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t know how reliable apartments dot com is, but it does list some Chicago apartments (almost all studios) for $1400 and under, some of them in pretty nice neighborhoods. But it’s definitely a tight budget so I’d start with a general search for viable rentals at that price and near decent El stops, and then focus on neighborhoods after that.

          1. KatEnigma*

            Chicago is pretty inexpensive. Comparatively.

            When we rented in San Jose, we visited my husband’s grandparents and rentals in their high rise condo building with concierge and all the amenities across from Millennium Park were 1/4 of what we were paying for our safe but not trendy and no amenities apartment.

        2. anono from chicago*

          $1400 is tight but doable in Chicago – you can definitely find a studio for that, and possibly a small/outdated one bedroom, especially if you’re willing to live without things like central air (not really needed anyway; get a window unit for the 2 months it’s actually hot here) and in-unit laundry. I’d start looking about ~2 months before you’d like your lease to start, with the understanding that more places will open up as you get closer to your expected move date.

          I don’t know where you’ll need to commute to (or — it sounds like this is maybe a WFH job?), so check the transit maps, but some neighborhoods to consider (heavily north side biased because I live on the north side [I redacted a long rant here about how Chicago’s transit system also makes it harder to get around on the south and west sides without a car because it was planned racist-ly]) might include:

          Along the Red Line (or the Lakeshore Drive buses):
          -The southern part of Rogers Park, especially around Loyola University, should have apartments in your price range (the northern part is also affordable, but the area around Howard Street can get kind of sketchy at night). Then again, there are lots of college students around Loyola, so vet apartment buildings appropriately if late night party-related noise will bother you!). Might be a long commute to get downtown
          -Andersonville/Edgewater, though you’ll probably need to live in an older/less updated building to stay within your budget
          -Possibly Lakeview/Lincoln Park – you can definitely find a studio under $1400 in those neighborhoods, but if you want a one-bedroom it might be tough to find. Lakeview is slightly less expensive than Lincoln Park, especially as you move west from the train. If you’re willing to take a bus *to* the train, that opens up a lot more options.

          Along the Brown Line:
          -Albany Park, Ravenswood, Lincoln Square, Roscoe Village. Probably similarly priced to Lakeview.

          Blue Line (I’m less familiar with the NW side, but popular neighborhoods include):
          -Mayfair, Portage Park, Irving Park (but again, it might be a bit of a hike if you’re working downtown)
          -Wicker Park might be a bit expensive but also an option
          -As you get further northwest on the blue line (Jefferson Park/Norwood Park area), the area is zoned more for single family homes than for apartments, so it can be tough to find a place, but I’ve seen a lot of ads for reasonably priced basement apartments/rooms for rent in private homes there

          1. ThatGirl*

            I would disagree with ac being optional, though if you’re very near the lake you can probably get by with window units. But man it can get humid here, and the heat waves have killed people.

          2. hopeful ex librarian*

            thank you so much! (lowkey would love to read that rant though.) i am not picky – basically as long as i can afford it and i won’t be roommates with rats and/or roaches, i’m good haha.

            honestly i’m mostly just happy i have the opportunity to even look into moving out, this is something i’ve been trying to do for awhile. :D

        3. AcademiaNut*

          Keep in mind that listed on a rental site for $1400 and actually being able to rent something for that are two different things. I had a friend make a major move full of optimism based on ads he had seen on a website, but ended up having to get something smaller, further out, more expensive and with a longer commute than he had expected.

          My approach on similar moves has been to look for a roommate situation in a location with good transit options for the first six months or so. That way I have a chance to get to know the city and its quirks, it allows me to do a much less rushed search for my own place, plus I need to purchase less furniture initially, spreading out the start up costs.

          1. hopeful ex librarian*

            oh, that’s good to know, i was not aware there would be a difference in listings v what i actually pay!

            1. Maggie*

              There won’t be lol that has NEVER a happened to me in Chicago. People are leaving to a of comments who know nothing about the Chicago rental market whatsoever

              1. KatEnigma*

                It never even happened to me in the Bay Area. Unless you consider pet rent (usually still disclosed) or expect utilities to be included.

                1. hopeful ex librarian*

                  oh okay phew, good, thank you both for clarifying haha. i was a lil worried for a sec!

          2. Dancing Otter*

            Yes, my rent is stated as $1600 (NW suburb, 2BR), but that doesn’t include the charges for gas, water, trash and “billing fee” that the landlord collects, nor extra pet rent.
            There are other utilities that bill directly, in my case electricity, internet and cable. And some landlords list “amenities” that are actually add-on charges.
            You should definitely check what is and is not included in your rent.

            And you WILL need A/C in a Chicago summer. Landlords may or may not allow window units – and not all windows will accommodate them.

            2. anono from chicago*

              Ack, sorry – since there are multiple comments about this, I assume because I mentioned it above, I’ll address the A/C issue – yes, you will need a way to cool your apartment in the summer. But if you’re on a budget, you can get a much cheaper apartment if you’re willing to live with a window unit rather than central A/C (downsides to window units – you have to install/uninstall it seasonally; find room in a closet to store it in the winter; it can get loud when it rains; sometimes they are noisy). I have never seen a landlord NOT allow window units in an apartment with no central air, though they sometimes require you to have a professional install it.

              The window size issue is a good point, although you can also get the portable A/C units that sit on the floor and vent out the window rather than sitting in the window if you have a window that’s too narrow or wide for a regular window unit. But since window units run like $200-400 new, that can be worth it if it will save you $200/MONTH on rent. (Running a window unit will make your electric bill go up, but I’ve been running mine for like 10-12 hours a day this summer in my studio apartment and my electric bill went up a whole $7 in July compared to May, pre-A/C).

              I know all this is a long post about a relatively minor detail, but in the 3 apartments I’ve lived in in this city, NONE have had central air. Most older buildings here aren’t equipped with A/C, but if you’re looking for something under $1400 you’ll be mostly looking at an older building, and you shouldn’t be scared about needing a window unit!

              In my experience, landlords here are very clear about what is/isn’t included in rent (usually because they mention things that are included as a perk to get people to rent there). I’ve actually always had my heat included in rent, which is HUGE, but I don’t think that’s standard (and I think it’s only ever really offered in buildings where radiators are turned off and on building-wide and are not controlled by individual tenants). Water and trash are usually included (but double check); gas, electric, and wifi usually are NOT.

              1. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

                No no, this is good to keep in mind, thank you! I appreciate the details and I’ve never had to deal with ac or window units. The more detail, the better!

        4. hopeful ex librarian*

          this is exactly what i am doing: looking up via my budget first, and then kind of going from there!

      2. Maggie*

        You absolutely can rent your own place for well under $1400 in Chicago! There’s probably literally hundreds of rentals right now under that price. My non fancy but quite liveable and roomy studio was $800 in a popular neighborhood and there’s tons of studios and 1 beds around $1000 give or take. It won’t be a brand new or luxury build and might lack fancier amenities but you can absolutely rent under $1400 at clean, nice places in neighborhoods close to transit in Chicago.

        1. hopeful ex librarian*

          “non fancy but quite liveable” is exactly what i am going for! :D i don’t need the fancier options right now, i’m honestly just happy to finally be on my way to moving out.

          1. Maggie*

            You’ll be great, Chicago housing is very affordable and it’s wonderful. Good luck! There’s less inventory in the fall and winter but you can get it cheaper, more inventory in spring and summer but there’s a premium on moving in good weather. If you have decent credit and want a place, fill out an app on spot and you’ll prob get it. I’ve never applied for an apartment I didn’t get. This isn’t NYC, SF or Boston and thank goodness for that!!!

            1. hopeful ex librarian*

              omg, thank god! i follow some people on tiktok who are apartment hunting in those cuties and it does NOT look like a good time.
              and as much as i would love to move in better weather, that’s not how this worked out, which is okay. and luckily i don’t have a ton of stuff to move right now anyway.
              thank you so much!

      3. Clisby*

        I’m wondering about the rent max too. I live in Charleston, SC, which is pricey for South Carolina, but not as pricey as Chicago. A maximum budget of $1400/mo. (especially if utilities are included) would be optimistic here, unless you were going to get roommates, or move to the farther-out areas of the city, or beyond.

    2. KatEnigma*

      Longer? IF you can find an apartment at that price in a safe location, you are going to have, at most, 30 days to move in. If you don’t want to move before December, don’t look until November. But prices are only going up .

      Don’t discount the suburbs if you can get an apartment on the train line. I worked with a sight impaired guy who did the reverse commute from downtown to Milwaukee every day on Hiawatha and my cousin commuted into the city from Kenosha and a friend from Racine.

      1. fposte*

        I personally wouldn’t do a really long commute for a first apartment away from home–it’s hard to find a social circle when you’re losing 2-3 hours a day to a commute. But a close-in suburb like Evanston could be worth considering; just consider whether ending up with a building that’s largely students would be a problem for you if you’re looking near Northwestern.

        1. anono from chicago*

          Evanston is also an option! Plus the purple line runs express to downtown so it’s not a ~terrible~ commute if you need to get all the way down there. To avoid college students, I’d live either decently south in Evanston (off the Main/South Boulevard stops) or further north than campus (off Central/Linden) – apartment buildings around there will be mostly grad students or young professionals.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I think a grad student neighborhood could be a nice one for a first apartment; you just don’t want to end up knee-deep in freshmen.

        2. hopeful ex librarian*

          yeah i don’t want to give too much away, but i’m working near the loop. i don’t want to spend more time and $ commuting to/from suburbs because i need more friends and a longer commute time would impact that. :’) i’ll look into closer suburbs like evanston though!

          1. ThatGirl*

            Evanston and Oak Park are both straight shots in to the loop on the El but are both a bit fancier too. The good news is all of the train lines (even the suburban commuter line) converge in the loop. It’s not giving anything away to say you’ll be working near there, that’s where the offices are :)

          2. Call Me Dr. Dork*

            If your new job is West Loop/Fulton Market, then definitely consider Oak Park! We have two L lines (Green and Blue) and the Metra. It’s not quite as affordable as it was when I moved here earlier in the century, but it’s cheaper than a lot of the North Side *and* closer to the Loop.

            I take the Green Line, and it’s about 25 minutes to the Loop.

      2. Maggie*

        It takes 2 hours to get home from Kenosha in traffic! I just did this drive yesterday! OP do not live in Kenosha lol! (Unless you want to live in a small city in Wisconsin) . You would burn SO much gas and time there’s no way that would ever be worth it. There’s so so so many Chicago neighborhoods where you can rent under $1400!

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’m personally a fan of Lakeside East neighborhood but you could probably only get a studio there.

        1. Masked Bandit*

          Not for one person, it’s just having everything—bedroom, living room, kitchen all in one room.

          1. hopeful ex librarian*

            ohhh i see, okay! being one person, that doesn’t seem like the worst thing, but i will for sure remember that when looking.

          2. anono from chicago*

            Yeah, exactly this. Studios are generally fine for one person, just usually on the smaller side (not much counter space, etc.). Especially if you aren’t working from home (and don’t need to fit an office set-up into one) they can be a great way to keep rent down.

            Downsides are mostly that, well, everything is in one room. If I have friends over, I’m effectively entertaining them in my bedroom.

    4. Cendol*

      Oh this is up my alley! I lived in Chicago until 2020. Congrats on the move—it’s one of my favorite cities, and it’s still very affordable!

      If transit options and getting downtown for work are important, I would suggest living somewhere near the confluence of the Red, Brown, and Purple lines. I was in Lakeview/Lincoln Park and was spoiled for choice—three train lines and multiple bus lines, all 5-10 minutes’ walk from my apartment.

      When I moved to Chicago in the mid 2010s, I used a site called Domu. Their guide to Chicago neighborhoods is still online. Ultimately, access to the lakefront trail was the most important thing to me, so I wound up in Lakeview in a 1920s mid-rise 5 minutes’ walk from the lakeshore. Just took a look at current rents in my old building, which is managed by Lakeview Associates: studios are going for $965-1095 and 1BRs for $1355-1395. There are also lots of private landlords who may have cheaper rents.

      Other Northside neighborhoods I would recommend: Ravenswood (for the awesome witchy name, the laidback vibe, and Forteza fencing gym); Andersonville (very queer and hip, lots of fun festivals especially Midsommarfest); Rogers Park (pretty far from the city center, but there are good transit options; I never lived here but many good friends did, still do, and still love it; definitely more of a neighborhood/young family vibe).

      The thing about Chicago neighborhoods is that they can be quite segregated, and some neighborhoods on the Northside (not so coincidentally near all of the convenient transit options) are Very White. Access to East Asian food was important to me, so being near the Red line was convenient; I could ride it south to Cermak and Chinatown or north to Argyle for pho.

      As for timing, I’d say about 30-60 days before your move would be good, depending on your level of comfort with having things in the air. You can reach out to property management companies about upcoming vacancies and submit your application well in advance. There are also brokers who will help you find a place for free (they get their cut from the landlord). I probably cut it kind of close: I got to Chicago two weeks before my job started and Airbnb’d (on an air mattress in a closet, lol!) while looking for apartments.

      Feel free to ask me more questions! As you can see, I have a lot to say, haha!

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        this is exactly what i was looking for, thank you so much! :D (i like the name ravenswood, largely bc of said witchy vibe)
        i love domu and have done a lot of my apartment research on that site! i’ll have to look specifically at their chicago neighborhoods info too.
        i love getting to read everyone’s responses – even just having a note on my phone of options to look into has been a huge help (anxiety is a lovely thing).
        how do you find brokers? i like that they’d help me find places for free.

        1. Cendol*

          Chicago Apartment Finders for sure. I see they’ve already been rec’d in this thread. I used them to find my first apartment in the city and also reached out when I was looking for my second, though I ultimately went with a place I found myself. (I remember they showed me a 1BR with an in-unit W/D for something like $1200, a total unicorn and I sometimes kick my past self for not going with that one…granted this was more than five years ago.) Good luck with your search!

          As a side note I’m loving all the Ravenswood and Chicago fans in this thread. I miss y’all!

          1. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

            Cool, I’ll keep them in mind!

            I’m so glad I asked this here, I’m loving reading everyone’s replies and conversations. :)

    5. Golden French Fry*

      My general moving tip is to be very strategic about whether to sell/donate versus move your stuff. We moved to a city everyone else was fleeing during COVID, and it was still much cheaper to buy new (or new to us) furniture, kitchen supplies, etc. than pay movers. It also forced us to declutter, which was nice.

      If you’re open to furnishing with used items, try to check out Buy/Sell/Trade, Exchange, or Buy Nothing Facebook groups in the area you want to move to. I made a decent bit of money selling my old wedding decorations in the Chicago area, so I know those groups exist and are active!

    6. Masked Bandit*

      Recommendation for Chicago Apartment Finders. It’s a free service to tenants and they’re basically a broker, they’ll show you a bunch of apartments at once and help you pick the one right for you. It’s free to you; landlords pay to be listed with them.

      As for neighborhoods, most of the North and West sides should be pretty accessible by public transit. My personal favorite is Ravenswood, which is on the Brown Line. But Lakeview, Andersonville, Buena Park, Lincoln Square are all nice too.

        1. Masked Bandit*

          No problem! They’re a great service—I haven’t used them since pre-COVID, but it used to be that they will set up appointments to see a bunch of units and then drive you around to see them so you can do it all in one day.

          1. hopeful ex librarian*

            i just googled them and it looks like they still drive you around. i’m so glad i asked this question, i’ve gotten a lot of useful advice. :D

    7. Maggie*

      Edge water, uptown, Ukrainian village, Pilsen, Bridgeport, west town, roscoe village, north center, Irving park. Those hoods all have a different vibe and feel but renting solo in them is def doable for that price. I’ve lived here for 10 years and rented u til a few months ago. Anyone telling you you can’t rent solo on 1400 has never looked at an apartment listing here.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        yay, thank you! :D i’m really happy my budget is doable, even if i won’t get to live in anything, like, super fancy.

        1. Maggie*

          You will be just FINE! Some of the advice on this thread is bonkers!! Live in Kenosha?! What on earth!

          1. Masked Bandit*

            Yeah I haven’t lived in Chicago since 2018 but I had a full one bedroom in Ravenswood, walkable to the Brown Line (my office was in the Loop), for $1100. I live in greater NYC now and the economics are just completely different and what’s required in most cities simply isn’t necessary in Chicago.

            1. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

              I agree. I live in SF, where renting is bonkers; kid goes to college in Chicago.

              My kid moved from a 750-sq-ft Ravenswood 1-BR ($1100/mo in 2020) to a 400-sq-ft studio in Lincoln Park ($875 2021/now $925) and is super happy. The first apartment had lots of period charm but was too big for him (!), and the neighborhood and transit options were good even for Covid years. LP is busier and has more walkable options for him/his taste.

              $1400/mo is certainly do-able for a decent to nice 1-BR in Chicago.

            1. Cobalt*

              Fellow DuPage county resident here! Following this thread with interest because I always wanted to live in Chicago as a kid (I grew up in rural Indiana) but didn’t move here until we were in the suburban stage of life. We enjoy DuPage but miss some of the great things that come with living downtown, so I would never recommend DuPage for the OP at their current life stage – not to mention the commute! Don’t know how people commute downtown from out here.

              1. ThatGirl*

                If you can take Metra easily and work close to the station it’s not so bad but driving in is a giant pain for sure.

    8. Chicago Library Pedestrian*

      Check out Hunter Properties. I’ve been with them for years. However, if you have an area you like, actually walk around looking for “for rent” signs. A bunch of places only advertise locally. And you can get a nice 1br or ok 2br on that budget.

      If you can, get close to a train line. The brown line is packed solid, but blue line and pink line neighborhoods are still reasonable.

      1. Chicago Library Pedestrian*

        Oh, heads up. Water and sewer/garbage is required to be included in rent in Chicago. It is not a perk, it is a REQUIREMENT by ordinance. Keep your eye out for places that include heat, cooking gas, and hot water. Yes, those can be separate things. Actually, go look at the city of Chicago website. They have a handy renter’s website that includes a “renters rights” document that is useful to read and have on hand. It gives you a solid idea of the tenant protection laws in Chicago, and from what other people in other states have told me, they are fairly robust.

        https://www.chicago.gov/city/en/depts/doh/provdrs/renters.html

        Also, don’t live in Lakeview. You are paying to live in Lakeview. Same with Andersonville, Ravenswood, Ukrainian Village, Fulton Market, and Lincoln Park. I mean, if you find something in-budget and that you like, go for it, but you can find bigger places for less when not in those neighborhoods.

        If you can, move somewhere within walking distance of a Tony’s Finer Foods or a Pete’s Fresh Market. Best reasonably priced groceries in the city with solid produce sections.

    9. Hlao-roo*

      One thing I haven’t seen anyone else mention yet: changing your address once you have moved. It will go a lot more smoothly if you have a list of all the places where you need to update your address. This includes:

      – bank accounts (can usually do this online)
      – any online shopping accounts (so packages go to the right place!)
      – notify your job
      – update driver’s license/ID (state websites usually have a pretty good list of all the required documents so you can be prepared before you go to the DMV)
      – voter registration
      – friends and family if they send you anything in the mail

      You can also pay for one year of mail forwarding through the USPS. It costs about $2, and any mail that is forwarded on has a yellow label on it so you know that you need to tell the sender your address has changed.

      Good luck with the move!

    10. former Chicagoan*

      So I moved from Chicago 5 years ago, but I was paying $700/month then for a 1 bedroom apartment with my husband and toddler son. Every year we would think about moving when our lease was up because it was a bit noisy on a busy street, but every time we would look it was hard to pass up the ridiculously cheap rent. Loved loved loved the location in Pilsen too. We were on 18th street just a block from the library (I assume you still like libraries from your username), the decent-sized grocery store that would get deliveries of fresh tortillas multiple times a day, and a Divvy station. Husband and I would both commute to work on Divvy bikes, and it was super easy to get downtown and elsewhere. One of my favorite things was to ride a Divvy to go to free outdoor yoga at Millennium Park on Saturdays in the summer. We were also just a few blocks from the El (Pink Line), and street parking was free. Lots of good food (especially Mexican) around there. I miss the lady who would sell tamales in front of the grocery store… I just miss Chicago, period!

    11. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      General moving tips, because I don’t know anything about living in Chicago or am even in the US:

      – lists, lots of lists; for
      THINGS
      a) what basic things you need (furniture; tableware, cutlery, pots&pans; towels; tools; cleaning supplies like a simple bucket and mop but also a vacuum cleaner or at least a broom; candles&matches, for if the electricity gets cut in a storm),
      b) what things you have (or could get second-hand from your parents),
      c) what you want to get rid of before moving (clothes, old documents/papers, decorations/knick-knacks, books, …) either by selling, giving away or throwing away
      FACTS
      – what documents you need to bring to the appointment to view the flat (different landlords might want different documents)
      – what you’ll have to get your adress changed for (postal service (permanent adress change) driving licence, voter registration, bank, …)
      – what official documents concerning your person do you have and want to move with you (birth certificate, passport, …)
      – when&where&howtogetthere for appointments to view flats, so that you don’t miss any dates or get lost on the way

      Moving boxes and where you’ll get them – buy in bulk? or used from ebay/marketplace/whateverelse? or for free from friends/family? You might not need any, depending on your amount of stuff, the way you move, how much help you have on the day.
      Big bin bags are great for clothes, btw!

      Once you have found a place:
      – go through the details of the lease with a trusted adult who has experience with renting a flat before you sign anything! just to be on the safe side
      – is there anything you want/have to change or fix up before you move in? Paint a wall? Repair the door of the in-built cabinet? Deep-clean the carpets? Write down what you want to do and what tools you need to do it
      – figure out how (by car? your car? a friend’s car? by public transport?), when (on one day or over a period of days? on a weekday or a weekend? before Christmas or after?), and with what help (friends? family? none?) you want to do the actual move; depending on how spontaneous or booked the people in your life are, ask for their help/car/… early enough

      That’s all I can think of off the top of my head but I’m sure there are important things that I forgot. Luckily, there are other people who already gave great advice!
      And also: enjoy the process of moving out! It’s weird, and, confusing, and a bit scary, and wonderful :)

  35. Anonymous Middle Age*

    This might be kind of nebulous to ask but here goes:
    If you reach middle age and are unhappy with how your life turned out, how do you cope?

    I think back to myself in my 20s and 30s and had so much hope and enthusiasm. Now I’m in my 50s and I’m mentally struggling just to get through the days.

    (I have a job that pays my bills but that’s it. I don’t have a life partner and my friends are often busy with their own lives.)

    Do people just give up and live unhappy lives?
    Anyone have coping strategies?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Nobody gets to middle age with every single one of their youthful dreams fulfilled. We all have to go through a grief process to let go of some dreams, so we can create new ones.

      Part of that process is acknowledge that we ourselves have changed and want different things. That some of our dreams were based in ignorance, or were specific to a situation we’ve outgrown. Or that some of our dreams were based on becoming a different person, and we have to accept who we really are.

      Grief, acceptance, self-compassion. And then curiosity about the dreams that remain, and discovering how to approach them in a new way.

      Part of that new way has to involve addressing your health. I hope you can improve your situation so you are not struggling so hard.

      1. Anonymous Middle Age*

        Good point about how we ourselves change!

        At one point I “formally” acknowledged to myself that one of my possible life paths was not going to happen. That 20 year old me would have loved it, but current me wouldn’t. And I closed the door on that one. It was a bittersweet moment for me.

        When I watch tv and someone declares, “I know what I want,” I flinch because I thought I knew what I wanted, and it’s not what I want now.

      2. allathian*

        Yes, at the very least if your life turns out very different from what you envisioned for yourself.

        Maybe I’m just very fortunate in that I don’t currently have any regrets. I’m 50, and basically living the life I always wanted, but from about my mid-20s until my mid-30s never thought I’d have.

        My current dreams are mainly about or for our son. I’m hoping that he’ll pass through adolescence with no more than the usual bit of trouble, and that he’ll find his place in life in the decades to come after that, wherever he ends up. For myself, I’m hoping for a few decades of more of the same… :)

    2. tomato*

      Also in my 50’s. I’d say: to the extent possible make new friends, find new activities, keep active. Near me are meetup hiking groups, there’s a wild (outdoor) swimming group, there’s a middle-aged biking group. Find new people and things to do that keep you active, learning new things and engaged in life.

      1. tomato*

        to clarify: keeping active in part means finding a group of people/sport where you are necessary. Not just going to the gym alone to workout. Rowing, volleyball, group bike rides, running club. You want something where it’s noticeable if you’re not there.

    3. PsychNurse*

      I’m a practical person, so when I felt like this (I was younger so take it with a grain of salt), I sat down with a notebook and a pencil. I thought through, What have I done in life that I actually enjoyed? What have I not enjoyed but makes for a happy memory? Then I tried to figure out some practical change I could make in my life to bring me more experiences like that.

      Randomly, one of the experiences I loved was: “When I was 21 (YEARS AND YEARS ago), I gave a speech in a public venue. Everyone loved it and I got such accolades, I was on a high for days.” This led me to think “I like giving speeches. My job doesn’t have opportunities for that. Is there some other way I could try that?” I googled and found a local Toastmasters group. It happened to be extremely welcoming, fun, they have potluck dinners and stuff. It’s twice a month and while it’s a small commitment, I get great joy out of preparing for it and practicing speeches, and in connecting with these new friends (well, friendly acquaintances) every week. M

      So, get a pencil and make a list of whatever random stuff you have enjoyed. (Even if you feel like “ugh I don’t enjoy anything”— there must be stuff that you *used to* enjoy). See where it leads you.

    4. Cendol*

      I think we have a tendency to narrativize our lives. (I write, so this is the main occupational hazard.) We expect clear milestones and triumphant music rising to crescendo, then credits. A clear path from A to Z. I did this, so this. I made this mistake, so this happened. I went wrong here and here and I am full of regret. But—and I struggle with this, so much—real life isn’t like that, it has no narrative structure. If there is triumph, there are still the quiet, sad, banal moments after triumph. Lives get cut short or whimper to ignominious ends without rhyme or reason.

      I like RagingADHD’s suggestion of grieving and self-compassion and PsychNurse’s suggestion of making a list. It might be worth engaging a professional too, a therapist who can be a sounding board for these thoughts. You’re in a period of transition and shouldn’t have to go it alone.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, we conveniently skip over the people we helped. the people we laughed with, the times we meant something to an older or a very young person. We skip over the pets we have rescued, the homes we keep nicely when someone else would not have, our random acts of kindness. We skip the times we spoke up and prevented a problem, the time we spoke up and solved a problem, the times we spoked up and others cared that we noticed.

        We tend to frame things as failure or shortcomings. But they are only failures and shortcomings in OUR minds. Someone else is wowed by how far we did get.

        You might want to look at the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and see if you can reframe parts of your life. I know my father went through this question because this was HIS movie. I now get it.

        I have done stuff that I have forgotten. On rare occassion if someone reminds me I am usually stunned that anyone noticed, never mind even remembered.

        1. the cat's ass*

          Thank you for the reminder that there is beauty and meaning in the most quotidian things.

    5. WellRed*

      I’m 50 and questioning quite a few life choices and hat have lead me this place (see posts above). I’m not depressed and I try to roll with it but it’s tricky and I’m worried about my future.

    7. Irish Teacher*

      I don’t think that being in your fifties means you have to give up and just live an unhappy life or just find ways to cope with your life as it is. There is plenty of time to make changes. I don’t know what exactly it is you would like to change about your life but it’s not too late to change your job or to find a life partner or learn new activities.

      Think about what you’d really like to do. If you were back in your 20s NOW, what would you be hoping to achieve? How would you want your life to turn out? Would you want the job you have? Would you want to remain single or to find a life partner? Would you want to have more involvement in your friends’ lives or would you want new friends? Would you want to go back to college and study something?

      Then think about how many of those things are still feasible to achieve. Some may not be, but even those may make you think of similar things you could still do. Like if you were thinking that if you could go back in time, you’d have wanted children (assuming you don’t have them), maybe you would like to foster or adopt. Or if you would have liked to be a doctor and figure that it’s not entirely feasible to start the long years of study for that at this point, maybe something like nursing.

      With your friends, it may be possible for you to have more involvement in their lives, be more a part of things. Or it’s still possible to make new friends, perhaps by joining a club, learning a skill, taking evening classes.

      Your life hasn’t fully “turned out” yet. You have plenty of time to change your paths.

      Are you happy with your job? Do you want it just for paying the bills or would you rather be doing something that stretches you? Are there any opportunities for promotion that would interest you? Or how about changing field completely? Is there anything that excites you? Something that if you were leaving high school/secondary school next year would be the path you’d choose?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Further to this point: my dad remarried at age 80. He and his now-wife had both been through some very hard times of loss, loneliness, and struggle.

        Now they have a more active social life, play more games and sports, travel more, and spend more time on hobbies and cultural experiences than I have at any time since my 20s. They have, as far as I can tell, very much a #relationshipgoals kind of marriage, and very fulfilling lives.

        It ain’t over till it’s over.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh yeah. My gran had a more hoppin social life than I did, when we were in our mid-80s and mid-20s respectively.

    8. Maggie*

      It sounds cheesy but if you’re unhappy with your life start making changes to it? Raging made a great point about changing expectations. Make new goals and forge new friendships. It’s ok to mourn old goals or miss old friends. Sometimes friendships come back around too, when peoples lives slow down. In your 40s and 50s people have tons of childcare and often parent care responsibilities. Just because people are busy now doesn’t mean they always will be. But my advice would be to make more and new friends! I’m younger than you so maybe it seems trite but I have friends from a lot of age groups. A lot of my friends have young kids right now. So I’m making new friends ships while still tending to older ones.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I like to think of my life as having chapters.

        Since this idea is not well thought out, my chapters float. Sometimes each chapter covers 15-20 years of my life. Sometimes the chapters go by the dog’s life span at that time. Other times a chapter can be a long term employer or schooling. The chapters float.

        Each chapter has brought something I did not have in a previous chapter. In a stupid example, I now have a closet fill of clothes. I did not have a lot of clothes when I was growing up. But I start looking around and I remember lots of things that got better- I was so scared to learn to drive. I learned, in spite of myself. Computers came along and I was scared I would not learn. Yep, I caught on.

        Some chapters were pretty lonely because of circumstance. But then other chapters with difficult circumstance were not lonely. I marvel at how life can change and what seems forever actually isn’t forever. Some things get easier and then new hard things pop up- in kind of a whack-a-mole style. I got better at figuring out what to do with the next mole that popped up.

        Definitely keep building up the number of people you know. This can be through volunteering or attending free programs at libraries/schools or anything. Add to your circle. Just knowing people’s names can make your world feel bigger. (If you take regular walks, say hi to people you routinely see, that too can lead to interesting stuff.) Also keep in mind that if you meet a quality person that person will lead you to more quality people- generally speaking.

    9. Filosofickle*

      Struggling with this too, and getting stuck in feelings of regret and loss. Something i heard recently that I’m still chewing on but I think has a lot of potential to help me is the idea of shifting from the idea of what do I want to do WITH my life to what do I want to do WITHIN my life. If you’re on Instagram, look up Morgan Harper Nichols for a couple of thoughtful posts on this

    10. b r*

      Hitting the decade after yours and facing similar. I was caregiver to my Parent for 10 years and now that they are gone, it’s hard to find me again after putting myself last for so long. The advice here is really good. I would add my best advice is to fight as hard as you can to avoid giving up. I sort of (not sort of) did that and very much regret it. Make your health your number one priority so that when the opportunities arise to reach out, you’ll be healthy and fit to do so. Eat right exercise keep up your closet and visit the salon as much as you are able. Many people say helping others is a good way to keep loneliness away so that is something to consider.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Right on. Self worth and self preservation start with in us.

        The hard thing about elder care is that it’s a bottomless pit with not too much reward on the surface. After all our efforts we lose them- what’s up with that. I do believe that those who help their elders (maybe not parents specifically but maybe friends and neighbors) will be helped when their turn comes. Sometimes (not always) we get back what we put out there.

        I think watching an older person with difficulties can be inspiration for us to take up our own cause with better self-care. And I think we can watch their behaviors and choices and decide which ones we will keep and which ones we will discard in our own lives.

        It’s heartbreaking and mind-bending to see our elder care system now. We can also work inside the system to improve it.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I can relate to this journey. I had a life path that I spent years planning that took an unexpected turn and completely upended my life in my 40s. I was unhappy and didn’t see a way forward.

      What worked for me was a combination of letting myself grieve, spending time with supportive friends either in person or on the phone, seeing a therapist, and making sure I engaged in things that I enjoyed. That could be anything from a long soak in the bathtub to hiking to going out to a favorite restaurant.

      Seeing a therapist was hugely helpful for processing my grief when I just couldn’t see a way forward. She helped me understand that I am resilient and I realized that I have always landed on my feet after tough times. What ultimately emerged from that difficult time was that I felt confident in my ability to choose a realistic future that I wanted.

      To be transparent, it was couple of years before I could talk about what had happened that upended my life without crying. But even then I was able to find moments of contentment. Over time, that ratio switched, where the contentment lasted longer and the disappointment and pain became less frequent.

      I believe that having our goals and desires evolve is part of the human experience. Although it took me some time to realize that, it’s been freeing to see that others go through the same thing as they’ve gotten older. I have regrets but they don’t sink me. My life is full, I have a loving community of family and friends, and now I welcome the future instead of being afraid of it.

      I wish you well navigating your journey.

    12. ESus4*

      I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! It sounds hard. I highly recommend Barbara Sher’s books. She wrote one specifically for midlife people, but really they are all great.

    13. Chilipepper Attitude*

      In 10 years you will look back and say I wish I started on a change, I could be somewhere new right now if I had.

      At 56 I finished a second masters in a new degree. I’d been a sahm and worked odd jobs but had nothing like a career. The new degree helped me start a new career, well a first career really, and I love and have something close to a dream job.

      Take all the advice in this thread and explore a hobby or career that you might love.

      I wish you the best adventure in figuring it out!!

    14. Tib*

      I feel like this is a very normal thing to be going through. This is the age where people tend to realize their options are narrowing. It helps to say goodbye to potential yous. Starting a career in the armed services is out. You have time to become a Doctor, but it would require a lot of time, energy and money, so that’s probably out. Although I’m pretty sure my neighbor was going through residency in his 50s. But there are also things that you could do now that you realize you don’t want to. I’d love to be one of those people who can take a discarded piece of furniture and turn it into something fantastic. Or completely renovate a house. But I don’t want to put in the time and effort to _become_ one of those people. And letting go of that is a little sad.

      There are also things that you can still do now, but will look different than if would have looked in your 20s. You can learn to dance, but you won’t be able to move in the same way a 20-year-old can and you’ll have to be more careful of injuries. But that shouldn’t stop you from learning how to break dance or whatever looks like fun.

      And remember, we’re still in a pandemic with a lot of social and environmental upheaval. We’ve all been through a lot and just living is a little more tiring these days. I’d also schedule a visit with your primary care provider and make sure your hormones and labs are where they should be. Inventory your sleep, activity, work and eating habits to see if there are improvements you want to make. These things can make a difference in your mood and energy levels.

    15. Chaordic One*

      This is a really interesting thread and there have been so many insightful and thoughtful responses. I love it! I wish I could click and give thumbs up or stars to the responses. Thank you for asking the question, Anonymous Middle Age. After lots of thought, I don’t have much to add, but do forgive yourself, be kind to yourself. Even if you aren’t able to live the life you hoped, you are not powerless. Do what you can with what you have and please do something, even if it is only something small.

    16. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Find some cool older people– I’m talking 70s or 80s. Ask them about the cool things they learned/accomplished after they turned 50. Nothing is more soothing than hearing about the lawyer who took up oil painting, or the woman who went back to school to become a psychologist after her kids were grown. My aunt didn’t meet the love of her life until about 5 years ago, in her late 60s.

      Also: therapy! Yes, unhappiness is a legitimate response to the (many) awful things in the world we can’t change, and regret/grief are normal parts of aging and mortality. But that doesn’t mean that you just have to suffer alone and unsupported. The overwhelming feeling I’m getting from your letter is a sense of stuckness and loneliness– 2 feelings I absolutely identify with. Having a good therapist isn’t a substitute for having a healthy support network of friends and loved ones, but it is absolutely an excellent foundation upon which to build.

  36. DreddPirate*

    Looking for some feedback from the commentariat to resolve an argument:

    A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance and I went to a small-business restaurant. When we went to the counter to pay, we noticed a sign behind the counter stating:
    “Regardless of your race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, if you act like an asshole, you will be treated like an asshole.”
    I thought it was hilarious, but my friend found it offensive.
    Thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think it’s a resolvable argument, because it’s a taste call. Your friend gets to be offended, you get to be amused, and the restaurant gets to filter the returnees it would prefer to have this way.

    3. the cat's ass*

      Having worked food and retail service, i also find this hilarious and would most likely tip extra-generously.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think it’s funny in the abstract, but I’d find it super tacky in a place of business and it would definitely put me off a bit. I’m not particularly keen on walking into a professional environment and finding that -a- they have cuss words emblazoned on their wall, and -b- that they’re assuming that the majority of their customers are assholes who need to be lectured about it. So I agree with both of you, but in the specific context, I’m on team friend.

      1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        I agree with this. It’s both funny in sentiment and unprofessional/tasteless. Much better to have a sign that reads something like, “if you abuse our staff, you will be asked to leave” or refused service.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        In an office, yeah. In a small restaurant? Much more casual workplace. It wouldn’t bother me. But then, I have a pottymouth and don’t find other people cursing a big deal.

        I assume they put up the sign because they had a spate of asshole customers and wanted to ensure people knew they had to behave or GTFO. A lot of folks have forgotten how to human lately.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          The cursing wouldn’t bother me at all. It’s the pre-emptive denial that “and if we behave badly to anybody, it’s totally because they were assholes; we have no prejudice against anybody of any race, religion, gender or sexuality so if anybody makes a claim that we acted in any such way, it must be because they behaved badly” that strikes me as problematic. If it were just “if you behave like an asshole, you won’t be served,” I’d think it completely reasonable.

          2. SofiaDeo*

            I sort of took it to mean, the restaurant is tired of calling out bad behavior and getting accusations of racism, ageism, etc. in return. I can see someone exasperated at being insulted repeatedly putting up a sign like this. I am definitely on Team Poor Taste, though. A neutral statement (we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone) is so much better than a provocative one. Many people nowadays are ripping for
            or at least sensitized for, a fight IMO.

      3. Observer*

        -b- that they’re assuming that the majority of their customers are assholes who need to be lectured about it.

        For the most part I agree with you. But this sign doesn’t really mean that they expect most of their customers to be jerks. It’s like a lot of rules and announcement that are there based on the 1-10% of people who will do Stupid Thing X.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I think arguing about each other’s perfectly reasonable, but opposite, sensibilities sounds like an exhausting way to conduct a friendship.

    6. CTT*

      I’m fine with the spirit of the message, but the delivery is very try-hard. Like “we use curse words, we’re ~edgy~ here.”

    7. PsychNurse*

      Offensive, no. But I don’t like when businesses treat me like a child, or that when I walk in, there’s an expectation that we will be in some sort of asshole power battle. That being said, the proprietor probably just thought it was funny and it doesn’t actually represent their customer service.

    8. WellRed*

      I find it funny but I also find it unnecessarily confrontational in a way. Why not just say be kind, or something positive.

      1. SofiaDeo*

        Exactly. This sign reminds me of the difference between those “no doggy here on me” lawn signs. Some simply say “no dogs” or “no dogs please” and are fine. It’s the ones that say “be respectful, no dogs” that set me off. Like it’s inherently disrespectful for a dog to use the same spot of grass the deer, raccoons, bears, bobcats, coyotes, squirrels, birds, and free roaming house cats use. There’s a lot of wildlife around here, and any damage is probably from the deer not my 10 lb dog. Assuming that my dog is using their lawn because I choose to be disrespectful.

    9. Despachito*

      I think this does not have a clear solution, as it is a matter of taste.

      I personally think it is hilarious, same as you. but can see that it might be risky to put it in a business environment because not everyone has the same sense of humour. I recently saw in a pub a sign “Children who will not behave will be taken and sold to a circus” and found it very funny.

      1. Firebird*

        A sidewalk cafe I went to has a sign saying “Unattended Children Will Be Given Espresso And A Kitten.”

        2. KoiFeeder*

          When I was a kid, the vet we went to had that sign… and often had the kittens to back it up.

    10. kina lillet*

      Could be interpreted as a parody of a message of inclusion/acceptance, which is minorly distasteful. Could be interpreted as: “you all minorities normally get special treatment, but not here!” Could also be not interpreted that way. I do think it’s kind of tacky either way but the overall vibes of the place would probably determine my interpretation.

      1. PollyQ*

        Yes, to me there’s a definite undertone of “If I’m treating you badly, it’s your fault; it couldn’t possibly be that I have any bigotry of any kind, or am possibly an all-purpose asshole myself.”

    11. The Other Dawn*

      Everyone will feel differently. I personally think it’s hilarious and would laugh about it; however, I know lots of people in my life who would find it tasteless.

      I remember a few years ago my husband and I went to a store in a downtown area. We walked by a small restaurant with a sign out front that said, “Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten.” We thought it was funny, but someone walking by, who had a child with her, was offended.

    12. Bibliovore*

      I don’t love the sign but did find it funny.
      on the other hand, in my old library, I put up this sign.
      Unattended Children Will Be Given an Espresso and a Free Puppy

    13. Carina*

      It’s not an objective fact but a subjective experience, so you can both be right. (Or wrong. Who care?)

      Basically, there’s nothing here to actually resolve, and it’s kinda weird that you need a bunch of random internet strangers to litigate your “argument” with your friend about their subjective experience of something.

    14. Irish Teacher*

      I’m not sure I find it offensive, but I DO think it’s a red flag. Generally people who say things like that are FAR more likely to decide members of certain groups as “assholes.” What it often tends to mean is “I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic. It just so happens all the members of x group I meet are assholes. I’d be just as abusive towards members of other groups if I thought them assholes too, but it just so happens I never do.”

      Plus, even if this is the exception where it ISN’T an excuse for bigotry, it still means a) if I don’t like you, I’ll be horrible to you and b) I’m implying that anybody I’m nasty to is to blame for my behaviour because I’m only horrible to “assholes” so if I bully you, you must be an asshole and therefore at fault.

      It’s a typical excuse of bullies and bigots and ignores the possibility that it could be the person who put up the sign who is the asshole. You know the saying “if you met one asshole today, you met an asshole. If you met numerous assholes…you’re the asshole.” Somebody who needs to put up a sign like that…is quite likely to fall into the second category, thinking all the people they are rude to are assholes when…well, there’s one common denominator here.

      It is possible that it is just an attempt at saying “rude and abusive customers will be asked to leave,” but…even then, it would be better leave out the first clause which is basically like adding “and we’re totally not going to be racist, sexist, homophobic or anything about it. We definitely treat everybody the same in this regard and don’t discriminate, no, certainly not” and seems to be implying an assumption that people of certain minorities will “play the x card WHEN they behave badly and get called out on it” which is problematic for a whole load of levels.

      I’d be more inclined to see the funny side if it was just “if you act like an asshole, you will be treated like an asshole.” The first part raises red flags to me.

      1. Despachito*

        Funny how different the reading may be (and perhaps this is the reason why they should not have put up the sign).

        To me, it does not sound racist/against minorities, just a bit tongue-in-cheek “iamverybadass” claim “do not mess with us because if you do, you will not get away with that”.

        Given the context that pub owners often cave to rude and entitled customers over their own staff to placate them, I read it rather positive (but still would be better not to put up the sign and just act accordingly if anyone DOES be an asshole).

        1. Irish Teacher*

          Yeah, it may just have an attempt to be unusual/funny, but I think they could have given the “don’t mess with us” message with something like “rudeness to staff will not be tolerated,” without needing a preemptative “and it’s not because you’re a member of a minority group.” If you really DON’T care about people’s genders, race, religion, etc, you don’t need to say it.

    15. Maggie*

      What did they think was offensive about it? I don’t think it’s that funny and it comes off a little “iamverybadass” to me but I’d probably chuckle and forget it

    16. DreddPirate*

      Just to provide a bit more detail for some of the commenters – perhaps argument was too strong a word. Maybe friendly disagreement would be more accurate? There’s no acrimony on either of our parts, just an acknowledgement that we have vastly different opinions. However, she insists that the sign is objectively not funny, and that the only reason I find it amusing is that I have a dark and perverse sense of humor (that part is somewhat true).

      Her taking offense is mostly based on the fact that it pokes fun at the political correctness movement, which in her mind is nothing but good (a stance with which I emphatically disagree).

      As a former retail employee and waiter who has worked for companies that routinely rewarded any customer complaint and/or punished employees regardless of the complaint’s validity (*cough* Blockbuster *cough*), I love the fact that it throws out the whole concept of “the customer is always right,” and that obnoxious or entitled customers will be called out on their behavior. To my mind, the implication is more along the lines of the old joke, “I’m not a racist, I hate everyone equally.”

      1. DreddPirate*

        Her insistence that the sign is objectively not funny is what spurred me to post here for opinions so that I can point to it and say “see, others find it funny also!”

        1. allathian*

          I think it’s mildly funny, but I’m not really sure what the message they’re trying to send is. I don’t even mind the swearing, they could say something like “If you behave like an asshole, you won’t be served,” without mentioning all the minority groups.

          That said, I much prefer funny signs like “Duck or Grouse” that you can sometimes see in ancient English pubs with low ceilings and lintels.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I think it’s funny, and perfectly fine for a casual kind of place with a niche crowd. It is *possible* that it’s a red flag re political correctness, as in it’s a different way of saying “I’m not racist/sexist BUT” but I can give the benefit of the doubt here as a former retail person. Some customers really, really need to know that no one cares about who they are but about how they behave.

        1. Despachito*

          “no one cares about who they are but about how they behave.”

          This is how I read it too. (As “I am not a racist – I hate everyone equally”, or Professor Higgins claiming that he is equally rude to everyone irrespective of their social standing, and holds true to this.)

          I think the important factor here is the previous experience with retail and “the customer is always right” stance, because those people seem more prone to focus on the “asshole is not going to be rewarded” side than to the political correctness criticism side.

      3. Ampersand*

        Out of context, I find it funny—but whether I think it’s funny in a place of business would depend on what the establishment is and how welcoming/kind their employees are. I am amused that she both said it’s objectively unfunny AND you only find it funny because of your dark sense of humor. I would say people with a dark sense of humor are more likely to think it’s funny—which proves humor is subjective!

    17. Not So NewReader*

      Hmm.

      Person A’s poor behavior does not justify Person B’s poor behavior. Someone has to be the adult. I am not a fan of perpetuating poor choices- we already have enough people covering that one.

      Additionally the wording leaves me wondering who decides if someone is behaving like an AH.

      I guess it’s funny? But the poor delivery makes me wonder if the person who okayed the sign is closer to the AH end of the spectrum than the adult end of the spectrum. How we handle ourselves telegraphs what we will tolerate. So this person is okay with cussing in public and eye for an eye. As a customer the first thing I would think of is that they have rough customers and can’t get a handle on it. I doubt I’d go back again. But that’s worth all of 2 cents because I don’t go to eateries much anyway.

  37. HannahS*

    Baby gift ideas! My baby is turning 1 and a few people (mostly her grandparents) want to buy her something special. I have no ideas. One person suggested a baby-sized table and chair, which I think is great. What else is a mid-to-large ticket item for a 1 year-old?

    1. Yeah summer!*

      The best gift is always the box.
      Duplo! The train set is amazing. With add ins everyone will have fun for at least 4 years.
      Green toys. Recycled and as close to indestructible as I’ve found. And they are able to go in the dishwasher.
      Crayola ultra washable markers/crayons/paint etc. An art kit is great. A cheap sketch book. A couple cheap canvases. IKEA has a great kids easel. But to be clear washable is not as good. There will be marks left on the wall. Also this paint is my fav
      https://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Washable-Glitter-Classroom-Projects/dp/B00FY2O73U/ref=asc_df_B00FY2O73U/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241955643315&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3891217594941572881&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9033395&hvtargid=pla-420346920390&psc=1

      In my experience, the little tables don’t get as much use unless there is a big directive to sit down or it’s in a separate playroom. My kids all move to the kitchen table.

      1. KatEnigma*

        I do always recommend the duplo train. It IS amazing. My son got it at 16 months and still plays with it at 5- although he’s about to transition to the city train. Duplos in general are great.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I tend to like practical things so these might not be in the fun category:
      If you are somewhere cold, really good winter gear/ Outerwear- like Patagonia, Polern. Or wool underwear.
      Push trike- with a handlebar that is removable
      Stokke Tripp Trapp chair, or a Keekaroo high chair,
      Not big ticket, but items for feeding, like plates, cups and appropriate sizes silverware.
      For play- play kitchen, Cozy Coupe Car, Melissa and Doug Shopping Cart, or outdoor toys like swings, mud kitchen, water table, etc.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Memberships are great because they encourage you to get out to these things even if for a short time. You don’t need to troop around seeing every single exhibit to Get Your Money’s Worth.

        1. No smart name ideas*

          String second (or third) the experience-based gifts. I gave my niece a box to play with and in and then gave her folks a gift certificate to “mommy and me” swimming lessons (combo of drownproofung, getting used to water, and some actual swimming—albeit the last was over time). Niece loved both gifts!

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Things: walking push toy, yard items if you have a yard (sandbox, slide/swing/climber, playhouse), play kitchen. Bed/bedding/decor if you’re wanting to move from a crib/nursery to a “big kid room” soon.

      Experiences: membership to zoo/aquarium/children’s museum/botanical garden/etc. Tickets to children’s events or performances.

    5. Just a name*

      My grandmother did an add a pearl necklace for each of her granddaughters. Every year she would have more pearls added, and it was a full necklace when we turned 18. I have photos of me as a toddler wearing the strand with just a few pearls.

    6. WellRed*

      Are they buying it for you or the kid? That makes a difference. A one year old isn’t gonna get excited by certain things that we adults will swoon over. I disagree with people saying to buy experiences for a one year old but that’s just me.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        What experiences (memberships) did for my first one-year-old and I:
        • Art museum membership gave me a chance to look at something more interesting than our apartment walls as she practiced walking. They also had a tea-and-music program on Fridays that was 10 times calmer than the music programs I tried at more kid-oriented places. She could listen to the harpist, dance around, and eat cookies while being adored by the ladies’ committee and the guards.
        • Children’s museum membership gave her access to a giant indoor climber and a bunch of different toys.
        • Science museum membership gave her access to neat playthings not found in our house, like the metal rings we could sprinkle over the giant magnet.

        These were particularly good due to:
        • Her personality–she would focus on one thing for a long time. (Until she turned two and that attention span dove right down to 2 minutes, which was wildly frustrating for her.)
        • Our location–we had a small apartment in the city, with no outdoor space.
        • Being an only child at the time, I was the only one with a schedule we needed to worry about–no “hurry up, we have to get your sibling” shaping our days.

      4. Jackalope*

        I’m a big fan of zoo passes for the following reason: I worked at a zoo for awhile and saw a lot of people with passes being their young kids all of the time. It’s one of the few places that is (usually) set up with a lot of room to run around and play that’s also enclosed (unlike a park, although I love parks too), so kids can’t suddenly run into traffic. 1 year olds will probably just want to watch the fish if there’s an aquarium, or something like that, but it’s a place to go that has fun things for them to look at. And a lot of zoos are set up to be educational for all ages, so you can learn fun things too while watching the baby run around (or at that age, toddle around). The kiddo may not remember it later in life but that’s okay.

    7. Not that Leia*

      Maybe a little young but Magna-tiles are awesome and can get pricy so a good grandparent gift. (My kids probably started using them around 18 mo and still use them now at 6 and 4 so they stay useful.) If you’re into hiking, a good quality backpack carrier (Osprey, or similar) is also usable for a long time. (Honestly at 1, both kids were most excited by the super cheap plastic toys, so you may want to think about stuff for both you and kiddo. Table and chairs is a good idea!)

      1. Double A*

        We love magnetiles because they’re fun for parents to play with too! Picasso tiles are the same thing and cost like a quarter as much (if you’re buying them for yourself). My 1 year old mostly does like knocking over what we build, but they’re a great toy to grow into an are interesting to kids of all ages.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        Funny story- I love Magnatiles and we asked my in Laws for a set for my kid for Christmas when they were about to turn two. in Laws bought a nice set beforehand and sent it to us to have wrapped (they lived a couple States over), then a week later they called and said they didn’t think it was a good idea to give the baby magnets and sent us the receipt and asked us to return the Mangatiles and buy something else. The Husband and I were a little bemused. We did not return the set and they still get played with even though that baby is now ten.

    8. KatEnigma*

      A toddler tower- basically a partially enclosed fancy step stool, so she can help you at kitchen counters. Most are adjustable, to accommodate her as she grows- super popular in the Montessori set.

      You could also suggest a beautifully painted (personalized) toy box.

    9. Kw10*

      I was older than one of course, but big ticket items my grandparents bought as presents were a swing set for the backyard and a nice dollhouse.

      1. KatEnigma*

        We swapped out one of the swings with a baby swing (and then a toddler swing with a back) on the playset that came with out last house. He was managing the slide on his own by the time he was 18 months.They are totally 1 yr old appropriate. And pricey. We just had to buy one for our new house.

    10. Rara Avis*

      My kid’s uncle gave them a play tent that was a huge hit for many years. Maybe 3 feet square? We shoe-horned it into a corner of the living room and lots of shenanigans ensued.

    11. Irish Teacher*

      Possibly cheaper than you are thinking but I like to buy personalised books for the children I know. Wonderbly have a whole load of them. Another possibility is those toddler cars. Or a charm bracelet, that probably wouldn’t be given to her immediately but that they could add charms to over the years. Or a money box.

    12. RagingADHD*

      A play kitchen or builder’s workbench, or both. Every toddler I’ve ever met, regardless of adult gender expectations, likes to pretend to cook and/or fix things.

      We finally got rid of our play kitchen when my youngest went to middle school. They were still finding different ways to play with it up till then, even when it was more of a stage set for shooting mini-movies.

    13. Emma*

      A play kitchen? My 4 year old got this when she turned 1 and still uses hers. I’ve also heard great things about the Lovevery (spelling?) subscription.

    14. Jules the First*

      Kitchen helper or learning tower so kiddo can join you in the kitchen (it’s a bit early at the first birthday, but most kids will use it by 18 months); seconding the Tripp Trapp if you don’t already have one. Also feeding stuff from ezpz…it’s pricey, but fabulous…my toddler eats so much more from his mini mat than he does from any other kind of dish.

    16. Double A*

      One is hard because they don’t need much ha. I find it to be the most boring birthday.

      If you don’t mind toys that make noise, we have gotten a LOT of mileage out of the VTech Explore and Write Activity desk. We got it from a grandparent when my daughter was 2 and she still uses it regularly now she’s almost 4. My son started getting interested in it at about 1 year (he’s 14 months now).

      Little People toys are kind of pricey but are a hit and they can have long lasting interest. And there are a ton of sets so it is a good category toy to suggest that will still allow people to choose one they like most. Also maybe a train set (with the wooden tracks). I always look at them and they’re too pricey for me to want to buy myself but would totally enjoy it as a gift.

    17. Pop*

      My dad just bought us a car seat for her birthday. They’re pricey! (We were using an infant bucket seat before.)

      Other ideas were a nice hiking backpack carrier or a busy board.

    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      A small table with a few chairs is an awesome idea. I had one as a kid and I think my siblings and I used it until we were at least 6. To have your own place to color and read and do whatever was really great.

      2. Irish Teacher*

        Actually my mum got a small wooden chair when she was a little girl, probably when she was 2 or 3. We now use it when my nephew comes to visit, so it’s serving a third generation.

    19. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      I vote MegaBloks instead of Duplo, same idea but from watching my kids with them the MegaBloks are easier to use until they get closer to age 4ish.

    20. radio flyer*

      Radio Flyer 4 in 1 stroll ‘n trike. i’ve gotten that a few times for babies and it lasts for a long time because of how you can convert it as your child gets older.

    21. Parent T*

      I have a just turned 1 year old and a four year old. A few suggestions: mega blocks (easier than duplo, my youngest is just starting to put them together, my oldest still loves them), kitchen/learning tower (probably more relevant around 16/17 months), convertible carseat if you don’t already use one, and ikea play kitchen.

      In general, though, a lot of our relatives just give us money for their education savings accounts or buy us things like grocery gift cards.

    22. Zelda*

      When my niblings were starting to walk I sent them block sets from John Michael Linck. Old-fashioned, hand-crafted, durable, child-powered, kinda pricey (I wanted to do the block wagons, but can’t remember now whether I opted for something more modest).

      1. Kittee*

        We are all, I’m pretty sure, always thinking of you, whether we post about it or not. *hugs*

  39. Weight Loss Surgery*

    Anyone have a sleeve gastrectomy for weight loss? Not looking for medical advice, just tips or encouragement….mine is soon! Excited and nervous.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve had gastric bypass. Not the exact same procedure, but still weight loss surgery and the recovery, struggles, etc. can be similar.

      My biggest tip would be to get your mental health in order. Meaning, if you cope with negative feelings, sadness, drama, etc. by eating, that really won’t be possible once you have the surgery since your stomach will be very small. You’ll need to find different coping mechanisms.

      Also, having weight loss surgery doesn’t mean you never have to exercise or watch what you eat ever again. I think of it as a reset button to get you on the path to healthy weight loss. It’s one of many tools you’ll use, and what you put into it is what you get out of it. (I don’t mean YOU think you won’t have to work at it. I just mention it because I know people either online or IRL who had this way of thinking prior to surgery and it was a very rude awakening afterwards.)

      Good luck!

      2. Jay*

        Agree with all of this – also had gastric bypass. In addition to all of that, I needed to get in the habit of planning my food, especially in the first few months when I had to eat every couple of hours and couldn’t count on being able to buy anything appropriate if I was out. I found some stable high-protein options (jerky and Moon Cheese) that I could keep in the car and whenever I traveled I took a stash of protein powder and protein bars.

        Meal planning helps a lot.

        Good luck!

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Great advice! You might check out Overeaters Anonymous for support with dealing with negative realities by eating and for support with having to plan your food carefully each day. Best of luck to you!

    2. RMNPgirl*

      Yes! I had the sleeve 10 months ago and it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I am currently down 114 pounds and still losing, although it has slowed a lot recently.
      The most important thing to remember is that the first 3 months are the hardest, the first 6 weeks even more so. You might feel like you’ll never eat normal food again or that you can’t enjoy going out to a restaurant, but you will eat normally and you can go to a restaurant – you’ll just eat smaller portions. There are also hormonal changes that happen so be aware some of your feelings may be due to those.
      Hair loss will most likely happen, mine started coming out in clumps 3 months post op and I had been taking all of the vitamins and getting my protein in from day 1. It was obvious to me that it was thinning but not to anyone else. I think it’s starting to grow back now.
      Constipation is probably the worst side effect I’ve experienced. I was always regular and I am now again but that’s because I now take fiber gummies twice a day and miralax once a day which I never had to do before. It’s the worst in the first 6 months and then it should improve some but your routine will change.
      Remember the most important rules are to get your protein in first, then veggies, then grains/fruits and get your water in! No snacking, that’s the way you re-gain. You cannot stretch out your sleeve (they take the stretchy part out), but if you eat slider foods then you’ll never feel physical restriction and be able to overeat. Slider foods are ones that melt in your mouth like crackers, cookies, ice cream, popcorn. You will eat larger amounts over the first year as the swelling goes down, but it takes that year for all the swelling in your stomach go down.
      There will be stalls, a 3 week post op stall is really really common. Just keep following the program and stay off the scale for a bit. If you struggle with exercise at first, that’s normal because you are not taking in many calories and you’re just exhausted. I didn’t start really exercising hard until 6 months post op.
      Loose skin will also probably happen, I have that now and I hate it but I’d rather have it than be back up near 300 pounds. I am planning to do plastic surgery for it in the next couple years.
      One thing I wish I’d done before surgery was vitamin labs. My iron is a little low now and my doctor and I don’t know if it’s always been a bit low or if it’s due to surgery so that’s been making it difficult to know how to treat – more iron supplements versus infusions. If you can get a baseline level of your vitamins that might be helpful down the line.
      I’m excited for you, just remember if it’s hard in the early days that it does get better!

      1. Jay*

        YES to the Miralax. I put mine in coffee every morning. The three-week stall is definitely a thing for nearly everyone and stalls happen.

        My hair loss wasn’t evident to anyone except me and my hairdresser because my hair is very thick to start with, so the loss took it back to average. For about a year I didn’t need to have it thinned; once she pulled out the thinning shears again, I knew it was back.

        You may find that sweet stuff starts to taste icky after surgery (seriously) and so it’s not a bad idea to have some savory broth-y stuff around to have while you’re on liquids. I was on liquids for longer because of the bypass. We made chicken stock and beef stock before I had surgery and froze it in small quantities. So much better than store-bought.

        If you drink caffeine, think about weaning off it gradually in the weeks before surgery since you’ll almost certainly need to give it up post-op for at least a little while. And lots of people become lactose-intolerant post-op – I did. It wasn’t permanent and it was kind of hard to spot with the general digestive upheaval, but it was definitely there.

    3. Weight Loss Surgery*

      You guys are the best! All of this advice is fantastic and I really appreciate it.

  40. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Is it worth it getting a nicer epilator? I have a super cheap one that I bought to see if I like the technique. I do, so now I’m considering getting a more expensive one. Do the good ones go faster and are they better at getting all the hairs?

    1. Books and Cooks*

      In my experience, yes. I eventually switched to wax (I have a little melter and everything), but the more expensive epilators definitely did a better job and were quieter. Unfortunately I can’t remember the brand I used, sorry–I know I used a Braun and a Phillips, but can’t remember which was which. (And neither was crazy expensive–it was like $50, not $140 or anything.)

    3. HBJ*

      I went straight for one I’d seen recommended, the Braun silk epil 3 for about $95. I’m very pleased with it. It does leave hairs occasionally where I have to go over a second time, but never more than a few. I’ve never used a cheaper model, so I don’t know how they work.

      1. Squidhead*

        I have one of these and I like it but I don’t love it. First, I hoped I could use it for my upper lip and it just doesn’t fit those contours well and it hurts/scrapes too much. It took a couple of hours to do my legs…granted, that was the first time I’d used it but going faster just seemed to miss hairs. Since it takes 5 to 10 minutes to shave them and I don’t care about them being smooth all the time, I just shave when I feel like it. It does okay with my underarms and then I touch up with tweezers. It’s not faster than shaving them (probably takes 45 minutes every few weeks?) but I like not shaving there daily. I do appreciate that it gets the underarm hairs that are light-colored (so I miss them if I use tweezers). I’m not an expert with this stuff by any means, so maybe my technique is the issue?

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Yeah, that’s actually the one I have already, alas. I got excited when I heard a good product rec! (Though I don’t think it cost me $95. Maybe $60?) It definitely doesn’t get everything first pass, but it doesn’t take 45 minutes either, though to be fair I’m only doing like 3/8s of my legs-my hair gets finer around the knee so I don’t care about taking it off as long as there isn’t a strong line between the two sections.

          1. HBJ*

            I bought one that was packaged with a couple accessories like a hair trimmer. I think buy itself it is more like $60.

  41. Grilled Cheese Queen*

    My question is pretty similar to Hopeful Ex Librarian but for new york city! I’m a recent college graduate with a 1-year fellowship and am looking for a lease for october or november. I’m lucky enough that my hometown is a commutable distance by bus (but a rough one – during peak commute times it’s multiple hours each way), so I have a lot of flexibility if things don’t work out, but if anyone has tips on where to look for apartments or roommates that would be much appreciated! I’m on facebook housing groups and know of streeteasy but there must be other way to contact landlords and learn of apartments, right? I know the market is competitive right now, my ideal budget is max $1500, with 1-2 roommates, and my parents are pretty strict about me living in perceived ‘safer’ areas. Anyone have tips?

    1. kina lillet*

      Hmmm…Network for roommates by asking people in your graduating year or a year above you if they need a roommate/sublet or if anyone they know needs one. Lots of people move to New York.

      Also you don’t really have to let your parents be strict with you anymore; live where you want.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        With large cities like New York (and especially since it sounds like you grew up in the NYC metro), you could also try just posting to your regular Facebook/other social media page (or in your college’s alumni group) and asking if anyone in your network knows of someone looking for a roommate. I’ve connected a few friends to each other this way – not always directly, but through a chain like “Hey [college friend in Manhattan], my high school friend is moving to Brooklyn, do you know anyone looking for a roommate?” and then they tag someone in the comments. Having someone who can vouch for potential roommates is also helpful!

        Since you’re going to need roommates, I would try to (1) join an existing apartment or, if that doesn’t work out, (2) find 1-2 people who are willing to go apartment hunting for a new place together. I wouldn’t contact landlords until you’ve found the future roommates, though, since you don’t want to get stuck with the rent if you ultimately can’t find someone to fill the room (that is, you don’t want to feel pressured to accept a roommate you don’t actually want to live with, especially since you have the option of toughing it out with your parents for a few weeks/months until you find the right place).

    3. Sundae funday*

      If you want a decent commute, a lot will depend on your fellowship location. Astoria and Queens, and Hoboken NJ, are commonly recommended for affordable living, but they are on opposite sides of Manhattan, and only make sense if you are working on that side. Check out the asknyc subreddit- tons of similar past posts with good, on the ground advice.

      1. Lore*

        Hoboken is unfortunately no longer at all cheap. Queens and upper upper Manhattan (Washington Heights) are probably your best bargain locales. I still see some reasonable shares in Bushwick, which is very hip but kind of ugly. Kensington and Flatbush or Prospect Lefferts in Brooklyn are safe and very residential but mixed on commute.

    4. No smart name ideas*

      I assume by your use of Queen in your name (maybe wrongly) that you’re female. If so, check out Webster apartments. Good friend / colleague lived there and still misses it years later (she’s in Oregon now ) https://websterapartments.org/

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If you’re able to pay a fee of about 1.5 months’ rent, then try a real estate agent. The whole process feels incredibly sleazy, but it has gotten me some nice, affordable NYC apts.

    6. New Yorker*

      Check out the 92nd Street Y on the Upper East Side. They rent rooms, by the semester I think. It seems like a dorm room situation thing.

  42. Lilo*

    I knew my kid would think I was embarrassing him at some point. I didn’t realize it would happen at age 3. My offense was clapping along during the children’s rock band performance.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      At one point, around age three, I got so frustrated with my dad getting the names of dinosaurs wrong that supposedly I took the book away from him and refused to let him finish reading.

    2. Generic Name*

      Omg, hilarious. My son is 15. He says I exude embarrassment. But that doesn’t stop him from asking me for rides to places.

      1. allathian*

        Will he be getting a license next year?

        Don’t worry, he’ll get over it. I was horribly embarrassed about everything my parents did for about 6 months when I was 14. After that I grew out of it. My son’s 13, and he hasn’t hit that stage yet…

        1. Generic Name*

          I just laugh when he says that. I don’t intentionally try to embarrass him, but I also don’t cater to it. (I still wear crocs to walk the dog even though he says that’s embarrassing—and he’s not even with me!) Yes, he is learning to drive now. :)

    3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      My father has always had “dad” humor…dumb puns, calling animals by the wrong species, etc. When my niece was 4, he was doing his usual, “look at those elephants!” (Cows) and she smacked her hand to her forehead and replied, “grandpa, you’re giving me a headache!” Lol such drama

    4. Double A*

      Ahahaha.

      Yeah after signing my daughter to sleep every night for 3 years… I’m no longer allowed to sing around her at all. She’s 4 (almost).

    5. Esmeralda*

      Hahahahaha! Been there.

      When my son was in middle school he told me I embarrassed him when I told stupid mom jokes and laughed really loud (in other words, every time I laughed).

      I said, well, you can have an embarrassing, good humored mom who likes to laugh, or you can have a mom like joey’s — nice and never embarrassing but completely humorless. Which do you want?

      He picked embarrassing.

      Good choice, son!

  43. KoiFeeder*

    Alarm clocks for seniors! I’m having a dilemma. I need something that is large print (poor vision), durable (side of the family lacking in proprioception and hand-eye coordination, and the poor vision ain’t helping), and VERY easy to use and preferably analog (has never used a digital alarm clock).

    I can find large print analog clocks, but when I check the reviews on the ones that claim to be intuitive, it doesn’t seem like the seniors are the ones actually setting up the clocks. And they’re all made of really cheap, breakable plastic.

    I can also find durable, intuitive to use analog clocks… in the children’s section. So not exactly large print. I’m actually leaning towards the silicone-wrapped ones that bounce, as I think that’d be best for the person in question, if I could just find them in large print.

    Is there a best three for three? Or should I just go for the large print and be prepared to have to ask one of the family members in-state to be on standby to help set it up if there’s any problems?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I know you prefer analog, but the digital one I have is very simple. I can’t see more than 2 inches in front of me without my glasses unless it’s big enough and I can read this without a problem. And as I said its very simple – it is super easy to set it. My only complaint is that when I knock it off the nightstand the batteries pop out super easy but it seems like it would take a lot to actually break it.

      I will post a link as a comment

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Ah, it’s not for me- it’s for someone else! So I don’t want to give them a digital clock when they’ve never used digital before.

        1. Observer*

          The problem is that most analog cocks are almost impossible for people with coordination issues to set. I’ve yet to see an analog clock that allows you to set the alarm without the use if a knob that you have to set pretty precisely. And even on REALLY big clocks, the knobs tend to be on the smaller side.

          Being able to tap on a button is a LOT easier.

    2. acmx*

      Target has the old time-y 2 bell analog alarm clocks. Not sure how big the numbers are in person but they don’t look tiny.

    3. Mimmy*

      Maxi Aids has a bunch of large print analog clocks. I didn’t look at them individually but maybe one of these will be an option? Link in reply.

  44. Anon in IL*

    This is kind of embarrassing but one chore I hate is scrubbing the bathtub. I often let a year go by. Then of course the soap scum is all the worse. It is a fiberglass tub. Today I tried using a spray on product called “The Works”. It helped a little but not very much.

    Any product recommendations?

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I don’t know about fiberglass, but fyi do NOT use that on cast iron or porcelain. You’ll destroy the finish.

        1. CharlieBrown*

          Magic erasers will scratch a lot of surfaces. They’re great on glass or ceramic tile, but will utterly destroy a lot of things.

      1. BunnyWatsonToo*

        Mix Dawn dish soap with some vinegar. Put it in a spray bottle. Spray tub and let it set for a while before scrubbing.

        1. Qwerty*

          Seconding this! You don’t even really need to scrub that much unless you want to get it clean in one go. I spray down my shower and use a microfiber cloth to wipe it up real quick. When done as a preventative it just takes a couple minutes (I do it while conditioning my hair), so if you want to avoid scrubbing you could just take a long shower every couple weeks and it’ll probably break down most of it. If my shower gets bad, sometimes I’ll even just spray it and let the hot shower rinse it off later (because I’m lazy).

          This solution is also great on kitchen sinks!

          There are also post-shower sprays you can use to reduce the build of soap scum and mildew! I used to get the generic store brand version so I don’t know the name. Stopped needing it once I used the dish soap + vinegar method because cleaning the shower didn’t feel like a chore anymore.

          1. BunnyWatsonToo*

            The instructions that came with my tub says 2 tablespoons Dawn, 1 cup vinegar, and 1 quart water. I up the Dawn a bit and cut the water back some. I use a quart spray bottle and just keep the mixture with my cleaning supplies.

        3. Kay*

          Thirding this!!

          To answer one question about ratio, I can’t recall – I would need to Google – but 1:1 I want to say?? If you heat the liquid it mixes easier. I found it works well if there is still some gel/soap consistency to it.

          Also, just straight vinegar – works great too.

        4. SpellingBee*

          Does it have to be Dawn, or can it be any dishwashing liquid? Will buy a small bottle if necessary, but thought I’d check first.

          1. Qwerty*

            Generic dishsoap works – you want the kind used for hand washing dishes, not the kind you put in the dishwasher. The benefit comes from the anti-grease/oil properties. So anything similar to Dawn, Ajax, etc.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Bar Keeper’s Friend. Make sure to wear gloves, because it doesn’t sting until afterwards, but it is extremely potent and will mess up your hands and nails.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I don’t know about fiberglass, but fyi do NOT use that on cast iron or porcelain. You’ll destroy the finish.

      3. The Person from the Resume*

        Don’t recommend on the tub. It scrubbed off the shiny top coat finish on my tub. Oops!

        Works wonders on my sink, though, so it’s powerful and harsh (you have to wear gloves), but it can be too harsh for certain things.

    5. Anon5775*

      Kaboom. Spray it. Let it sit 10 min and then scrub with a rag. You may need to repeat but you shouldn’t have to scrub too hard.

    6. Melody Pond*

      Mix baking soda with liquid dish soap until you’ve got a consistency like toothpaste. Use with either a sponge or a wash cloth.

      To make a heavier duty version, use washing soda instead of baking soda in the liquid dish soap mixture. You can typically find it in the laundry aisle, near borax and all that stuff – look for Arm & Hammer brand, the box is labeled Super Washing Soda, and is dirt cheap. The washing soda is more abrasive and a stronger base (ph scale) than baking soda, so either try baking soda first, or just try a small spot and don’t scrub very hard with the washing soda mixture. And rinse it really well.

      The abrasive nature of both baking soda and washing soda make them pretty good at dealing with buildup on tubs and sinks, etc. Good luck!

    8. PollyQ*

      Using a microfiber cleaning cloth with whatever soap you choose will help. They’re pretty effective just wet or damp with some elbow grease.

    9. mreasy*

      Also no shame, I just cleaned the fridge yesterday, it’s been at least a year, and I was definitely scrubbing off weird congealed & hardened spills. I also hate scrubbing the bathroom but once I got mine “into shape,” I committed to doing it every week or two, because it takes 5-10 minutes if I do it that often vs an hour or more of scrubbing. Good luck!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I got a squeegee and put that in the tub. I squeegee it a couple times between cleanings so it’s less work to clean it.

    11. Tib*

      I’d do a reset with something like scrubbing bubbles or the other heavy-duty cleaners recommended below. Give yourself a treat either during, like a podcast, or immediately after. Then for maintenance, I like Method’s daily shower spray. I’ve trained everyone to use it after showering and it makes a difference. My parents have a squeegee in the shower to use afterwards that they say helps prevent build-up. I also keep a magic eraser by the shower and use it when I’m deep conditioning my hair. You could also sloppily use it on the tub once a week or so just after you get out of the shower. If you’re doing it more often, you can be more haphazard and stop when you’re done vs when the tub sparkles.

    14. CharlieBrown*

      I also hate scrubbing the tub, especially as I live in an area with very hard water.

      What works for me is to fill a one-quart spray bottle with vinegar. Every time I get out of the shower, I give it a quick spray all around with the vinegar. It seems to do a good job of keeping the lime off, and the soap scum that tends to stick to it.

      Vinegar is a great cleaning product!

    15. HahaLala*

      I’m not a fan of bathroom cleaning either, but I love using my power drill with a scrub brush drill bit! You get quick results and it’s so much more satisfying than scrubbing by hand.

  45. Teapot Translator*

    Thanks everyone who recommended Cabin Pressure last week. If you have other similar radio series to recommend, I’m all ears.

  47. CW*

    Just curious here. Whenever you are eating, do you always keep your elbow off the table? I always do, because when I was little, my mother would always tell me and my brother to keep our elbow off the table when we were eating. As a result, I almost never keep my elbow on the table when I am eating. But when I see others do it, I don’t mind and I don’t judge. I personally don’t because it was just how I was raised.

    How about you? Do you keep your elbow off the table when eating? Whether you keep it on or off doesn’t matter to me as I said earlier; I am just curious.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      I’ve been told it’s poor etiquette and so I make the effort not to if I’m somewhere fancy or on a date or something, but I’ve ALWAYS wondered about this because I find keeping my elbows off the table to actually take a lot of effort!

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That’s one of the old school etiquette rules that just gives people a reason to be nasty to other people. Putting your elbow on the table doesn’t hurt anyone, doesn’t inconvenience anyone, and therefore I don’t care. As for me, I’m mixed. It depends on how tired I am, and what I’m eating.

    3. nom de plume*

      Definitely raised to keep it off (my parents were very strict about table manners), and also to eat with both hands, not just one — so the pretty common American habit of leaning on one forearm while eating with the other still strikes me as unusual.

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Off the table and I guess I’d raise my kids this way but in general I feel most table manners are silly and othering. I judge people who judge fork-and-knife skills or cutting all good at once, for example. I do agree with table manners relayed to cleanliness. Don’t chew with mouth open, burp, slurp, or suck your teeth.

    5. UKDancer*

      Yes because it’s habit. That’s how I was raised as well. I don’t think it’s an important thing but I’m so used to it that I do it without thinking.

    6. Esmeralda*

      Nope, unless I’m at the kind of nice restaurant I can’t afford, I don’t worry about it.

      Or if I’m eating anywhere with my mom.

    7. Mabel*

      “Mabel, Mabel, strong and able, get your elbows off the table”. My southern grandmother said this to us grandchildren. My southern mother also trained me to keep my elbows off the table once the food arrived and we were eating. I think its a generational thing. I never understood what was so offensive about elbows.
      Now that I’m an adult, if I’m out of the house or with anyone other than my immediate family I find old habits die hard, its almost automatic, but if I’m at home, elbows on the table is more comfortable.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I find that it leads to slouching, so I try to straighten up when I notice it, for the sake of good alignment / ergonomics.

      I don’t pay much attention otherwise, unless it’s a relatively formal situation. I teach / remind my kids accordingly: posture and formality.

      I was brought up with strict attention to table manners, but now that I’m the mom I am more about recognizing context.

    9. Missb*

      At home I don’t get fussy about keeping my elbows off the table unless we are hosting company. I taught my kids to keep them off the table.

      At restaurants, I keep them off.

    10. allathian*

      At home, it depends. If I’m alone or eating with just my husband, like lunch when we’re both WFH, I’ll often keep one elbow on the table. At work, or in more formal company, I’ll keep my elbows off the table. I’ve taught my son to keep his elbow off the table, but I haven’t caught him at it very often… I’m in an area where schools and daycares are required to provide free meals to every child. Teachers are also involved in teaching kids table manners in daycare and elementary at least (in junior high and high school teachers tend to sit at their own tables, only intervening if there’s a food fight or something), so it’s good to get the reinforcement.

    11. Fellow Traveller*

      I’m not sure if it is a cultural thing, but I was never taught at home to keep my elbows off the table or to chew with my mouth closed. (My parents are from Taiwan and I grew up in Canada) It was only when I got to elementary school that I heard that it was generally considered impolite to do either, and it really took me by surprise.
      I don’t specifically try keep my elbows off the table now – sometimes it’s just how to best east a burger. :) Plus I’m a “lean in when I talk or listen” kind of person.

    12. Imtheone*

      I knew this rule, but it wasn’t urged on us as children. And then I spent time in France where hands in laps at the table are considered very rude. Forearms on the table is expected there.

    13. SofiaDeo*

      When we were taking classes for a Sister City Exchange program for Japan, we were insteucted to *leave* our forearms on the table. Different cultures, different customs.

    14. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Definitely off the table unless I’m very very tired and it helps me stay a bit more upright. Normaly elbows on the table would mean I slouch more.
      Also, I find someone with their elbows on the table takes up more space – which we didn’t have enough of at our table when I was growing up.
      I’m also raising my kid with elbows off the table, chewing with the mouth closed, and holding cutlery so far up the handle that the fingers stay away from the food. To me, that’s just basic manners.

  48. Sundial*

    Question for owners of Herman Miller Aerons and similar: I’m shopping for an ergonomic desk chair, but as a cat owner and foster, I need a realistic review of how strong the mesh is. I don’t want to buy a spendy chair and have it immediately slashed up, nor do I want to drape it in lumpy blankets.

    What do you think, should I concentrate on chair models that are solid material through the back and seat? Or can the mesh hold up to cat claws, assuming their behavior is relatively sedate (jumping up and down, lying on it, etc.) and not aggressive (no fighting or using it as a scratching post)?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Should be fine as long as they’re not, like, hanging off it by their claws.

    2. Exercise bike recommendation?*

      I’ve had mine for almost two years and it’s held up beautifully. The mesh is really strong. My cats largely ignore it, other than using it to get on to my desk. I thought they might try it out as a scratching post but not so far.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve had mine for almost two years and it’s held up beautifully. The mesh is really strong. My cats largely ignore it, other than using it to get on to my desk. I thought they might try it out as a scratching post but not so far.

    4. Kittee*

      Unfortunately they can get their claws stuck in it. We always had towels over ours because of that.

    5. California Dreamin’*

      My Aeron is a favorite sitting spot of one of my cats. He seems to really like something about the feel of the mesh. Scratching has not been an issue.

    6. Roland*

      My cats wreck a lot of upholstery but haven’t paid any attention to the herman miller mesh seat. Might help that I usually tuck it under the desk when I’m not sitting? But they don’t seem drawn to it. I did get the bare plastic back rather than the mesh covered back just in case (mirra not aeron so idk of that’s relevant).

    7. Cedrus Libani*

      My husband and I bought Aerons in 2020, and we haven’t had a problem. Our cats love to sleep on the seat, but they don’t try to scratch the mesh – I guess it doesn’t have the right feel. They certainly enjoy scratching fabric, e.g. couch, carpets, and the cheapo office chairs we had previously.

    8. MechanicalPencil*

      Late to the party, but I have a similar chair and really enjoy it. The mesh has held up super well. The only possible “issue” I’ve noticed is that small foster kittens have occasionally climbed on top of the column that the wheels attach to, beneath the seat. So if you’re not looking, you can sit and lightly squash them. No one has been irreparably harmed, but we were all VERY surprised.

  49. Valancy Snaith*

    Does anyone have experience with dip manicure on natural nails? I usually stick to gel on my natural nails, but I know a lot of people switching to dip. I just don’t know if it would be for me, since I’m not interested in sculpted tips or extensions–I keep my nails pretty short, I just want a nice, long-lasting polish that helps strengthen my weak nails! Thoughts?

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      This is exactly what dip is for! Much better for nails and lasts forever. I never let my nails grow beyond what is acceptable in netball. You’ll love it and never go back to gel.

    2. cat socks*

      I’ve gotten dip powder on short, natural nails. It looks great and lasts as long as gel. At my nail salon, it’s a bit more expensive than gel.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Yeah, the pricing I’ve seen is a bit more expensive than gel but nothing shattering, especially considering I’m not going for wild designs or anything like that!

        1. smeep248*

          I find it lasts up to 3 weeks, even 4 if the tech is particularly fastidious and gifted. This makes it worth the price premium. Gel lasts on average 10-14 days. Regular polish doesn’t get out of the salon with me without smudging.

    3. PsychNurse*

      I did the dip a few times and I felt like it was too thick. It seemed thicker than gel to me and I didn’t like it— like, it seemed like it was hard to pick up a flat card off my desk because my nails were too thick. A tech later said “Oh they must have done it wrong” but I had it at two different salons and felt the same both times.

  50. Girasol*

    Is anyone having difficulty getting a doctor? I had a doctor in a big medical clinic chain run by one of the hospitals, but he went on “extended leave of absence,” so I was told to find another. There are zero doctors in the chain taking new patients. So I called the central desk of another big medical chain and got the same story. I tried the third chain and yay! Found someone! But their front desk won’t answer the phone, and people are complaining of the same thing that happened to me: if you leave a message they never call back. I’d sooner go with a chain because they tend to keep referrals within the chain, which reduces the chance of a problem with insurance. I’m not sick, just behind on regular maintenance, but I’m wondering: is this the new Covid normal? Anyone have tips for finding a primary care doc now?

    1. KoiFeeder*

      Yep. I haven’t seen a rheumatologist in 2 years now, because it’s literally impossible to get in.

      1. fposte*

        I had 8-months-in-advance appointments with two doctors in June, both of whom ended up booking their vacations at that time and needing me to reschedule to later. I understand that’s just going to happen when you have to book that far in advance, but it was pretty frustrating.

        1. The Person from the Resume*

          I’d be super annoyed about that. If they’re booking vacation, then they should find mtge patient an appointment pretty close to the original date somehow and not another 8 months shown the road.

          I did have that happen to me, but luckily I got a slot with another doc (actually an NP) in the practice only a few weeks later and within the window I needed to get my prescription renewed. And it turned out I like her better than the original doctor!

          1. KoiFeeder*

            It’d be nice, but it’s unlikely to happen. I’ve been put on the cancellation waitlist and offered slots with another doctor when it’s happened to me, but it would be equally as unfair to boot another patient eight months back over the vacation thing. And, at the end of the day, I do want my doctors taking vacations and sick days and such.

          2. fposte*

            I was annoyed, but it’s also just the way things are. They’re not realistically going to be able to know when their summer vacation is in November, and I just got doubly unlucky. With one, at least, the new appointment was only a couple of months later; with the other I did have to start from scratch, unfortunately, because they’re always booked solid.

            1. Esmeralda*

              Sure they can. They can block off X weeks during Y months.

              Then make arrangements to go then or as close as possible.

            2. Myrin*

              I mean… of course they can know! Maybe this is just another one of those surprisingly country-specific things I’ve never thought about before but here, practices absolutely know every date they’ll be closed during a year at the end of the year before. My GP even hands out a sheet with all the dates in December and publishes them on his website which is a form of making-it-public which isn’t necessarily needed IMO but nonetheless much appreciated, but they need to at least know internally when they can’t book appointments!

    2. Sundial*

      Yes, I see multiple specialists and they are all scheduling 2-3 times farther out than usual. Plus, my GYN specifically told me that her continued practice in this state will hinge on how elections go.

    3. Dreary Doc*

      In our small town in the southeastern part of the country, doctors are taking new patients but you will probably see a nurse practitioner or physician assistant. Might take a few weeks for a new patient appointment. It’s hard to hire and keep enough support staff. Docs can’t just charge more as prices are set by insurers, unless they go concierge.

      1. Esmeralda*

        My provider at the large practice I go to is a nurse practitioner. Has been for years. It’s easier to get an appt w her most of the time.

        Recently I had to use two doctors at that practice. One was excellent. The other was good from a medical standpoint. But it was almost impossible to get my questions answered. She was testy. My practioner called me while under this docs care. I was blunt about how unhelpful it was.

        Lol. Doc called me that afternoon suuuuper nice and sympathetic. Too late! I told my practitioner that the next time that doc was my only choice at the practice, I would be going to an Urgent Care. And I meant it.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Yes. I’m in a large HMO in California and they pretty much continue to force patients into their telemedicine appointments, which are usually with an NP first. COVID levels are not the reason anymore. In-office visits are super hard to get even though I have a regular GP. I even had a strange skin growth that I wanted to get looked at and they basically said send us a photo, before finally referring me to the dermatologist. The specialists I see are actually easier to get appointments with than my GP.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      The shortage of primary care doctors has been going on for years now and was worse in rural areas and now hitting a lot of big cities. My panel has been closed to new patients for six years. I’ll usually make an exception for family members of existing patients. If I take new patients, my existing patients have to wait too long to see me and the incoming messages and lab results and requests for forms and refills build up too much just bury me.

      Keep calling the bigger chains on the first of the month every month. Everybody is trying to hire new clinicians all the time. Unless they are replacing retiring docs (and sometimes even if they are), the new ones will have open panels.

    6. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      A combination of stress and low pay made a lot of doctors quit their jobs, both in hospitals, insurance providers and private practices. My mother couldn’t get a proctologist appointment for a year, and when she finally found one the receptionist booked her for three months later.

    7. The Person from the Resume*

      Yes. I have to schedule my annual checkup with my Primary Care doctor months in advance. And then I caught COVID two days before the appointment and had to reschedule. My appointment went from July to November! I do think/hope something more urgent would get an earlier appointment, but there’s not enough annual appointment slots for people who need them.

      Also any time anyone recommends their great Prinary Care doctor, the doctor isn’t taking new patients.

      There’s definitely a shortage.

      1. Girasol*

        That’s a really cool search tool! Unfortunately it says that the situation is as bad as I thought: There’s one nurse practitioner available now, and one doctor in February, both out of network. Better eat right, exercise, and keep that mask handy because now is not the time to get sick.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      I’m experiencing this with all the places I have to go for tests and procedures at the direction of the pain management doctor. It took me around five months to get in for a consulation with my new pain management doctor, which had to be in person. All my monthly check-ins are via video with the PA and are scheduled three months at a time, which is great. They ordered an MRI for my back and once it finally got approved, the radiology department at the hospital took over two weeks to call me to schedule, which is very unusual. The earliest appointment was another three weeks out. Now I need to go for a sleep study before the doctor will change my medication, and it took three weeks after the order was sent for the sleep center to call and schedule. The earliest appointment for just the consultation is the end of October. And I’m also going to go for an outpatient surgical pain treatment procedure and the earliest the doctor is booking is end of December.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I saw this before Covid. My husband needed a specialist. He died before his appointment came around. It’s disgusting what is happening out there.

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If the regular maintenance is something that an Urgent Care doc could handle (like keeping up with immunizations, for example), maybe try that? If you need blood work to check out some stuff, some Urgent Cares might be able do that (or write a prescription for that) for you too. That way, you’d already have the data you need when you finally get in to a PCP.

    12. Imtheone*

      Yes. My husband’s PCP retired suddenly, as did my dermatologist. I called, got on waiting lists, and finally found a dermatology PA. My husband had a tough time finding a PCP. We found a practice with room for new patients, but some of the doctors were poor matches for us. The one I liked best is moving out of state to be near her partner.

      The health systems say there have been lots of retirements.

  51. Weekend Warrior*

    This is a huge problem in Canada and the UK and I was sure it must be the same in the US. Public or private systems, there is just a big shortage of primary care or GP’s or family doctors. There are a lot of reasons for this; retiring boomers, work-life balance concerns, low pay compared to specialist careers; and it’s been building for a while. The pandemic both masked and exacerbated the issues for a couple of years and we can expect it to get worse. In Canada we’ve vacuumed up the doctors from the UK, Eastern Europe, Russia, Iran, Africa, and we lose some to New Zealand (and a few to the US but fewer than you’d think). All of our first world medical systems are facing a reckoning and re-thinking. Curious to know how this shortage is playing out in Germany, France and elsewhere in western Europe.

    1. allathian*

      I’m in Finland, and we currently have a moderate shortage of doctors, which is mainly notable as a difficulty in getting doctors to stay in rural areas, but we have a severe shortage of nurses and midwives to the point that they’ve been forced to close hospital wards for lack of staffing. So many quit the field entirely during the pandemic.

    2. Kate*

      I lived in Canada and then Belgium and then Canada again. My impression was that Belgium had, if anything, a surplus of GPs. It was very common to have a doctor practicing out of 2-3 different “cabinets”/ group practices and different services where the GPs would actually come to your house, even in the middle of the night. The idea of that happening in Canada is laughable.

  52. Be the Change*

    I gave blood today and man, it has flattened me. I didn’t get dizzy or faint but all I want to do is lie around on the sofa. Most unexpected, usually I try to ease up but go about my day. I ate and drank plenty. Anyone else have this response?

    1. Kay*

      Mine lasted multiple days. I originally decided to donate blood because I think it is good to do and to push myself beyond my issue with needles. I finally quit donating because days of being relegated to the couch just wasn’t sustainable – felt bad but being bruised & exhausted for that long was too much.

    2. frontlinER*

      That’s why I do platelet donation! It’s an apheresis machine so they don’t just take out a huge amount of blood, they replace everything but the platelets. I generally feel so much better after platelet donation versus whole blood. It is a longer time commitment though (approx. 2 hours) and involves one needle in each arm, but they have a ton of movies and Netflix to watch during the donation so I usually go when I have something to binge watch.

    4. mreasy*

      I am usually pretty tired for about half a day after. And definitely don’t try to work out or carry anything heavy…I tried that exactly once, and it was like I was bicycling through molasses. You do get “used to” it with more donations, but yeah your body is working hard – I’ve read it burns 800ish calories.

    5. Becky S.*

      I take it easy the day before giving blood, no heavy duty cleaning, yard work or hiking. I’m always tired the rest of the day and don’t plan any activities. This is easy for me since I”m retired.
      Make sure you’re hydrated.
      Please continue to donate – it’s important!

    6. Be the Change*

      Thanks for the replies everyone! I’m an experienced donor and I’ve never felt this way so it caught me by surprise. I did have an extremely heavy work week and I’m pretty consistently a bit dehydrated so I’m sure that contributed as folks have suggested. The platelet suggestion is excellent – no reason not to go that route, especially because at my location I think they have a one-arm setup.

      1. Angstrom*

        I’ve had no issues donating since I started drinking a LOT of water before I donate. I’m sloshing when I walk in. Going in already a quart low will definitely cause problems.

      2. Churpairs*

        I usually have no issue giving blood at all. This last time (Wednesday) kicked my tush! I went to rehearsal to play my alto sax about 8 hours later and almost passed out. Seeing these comments, I’m certain it’s because I was dehydrated – I usually drink a ton of water but this last week I’ve been awful at keeping up.

      1. Firefly*

        Or as a repeat donor, you can pass the ‘test’ for haemoglobin, but still end up with low iron stores over time. I find about every third donation I get really tired and have to ‘top up’ with iron supplements for a few months

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This happened to me. No issues ever before, and then one day I didn’t pass and they kicked me out. I’ve been on iron supplements since March per doc’s orders.

    8. Alex*

      When I’ve given whole blood I’m down for the count for the rest of the day. Not really in a bad way it’s just…nap time forever lol.

      If I do aphaeresis it is much less exhausting.

      Just go with what your body says. It says REST. You did a good thing and now you get to be lazy.

  53. acmx*

    Has anyone used a landscape design app? I’d prefer non-Apple (windows or Android) but I have access to an ipad so could go with Apple.

  54. Flummoxed Investor*

    Advice about where to park about $200k that we want to keep fairly liquid over the next 10 years before retirement and maybe in retirement.

    We have fully funded everything else (401k, emergency fund, etc) and know the tax limits on gifting. We know how to spend it (child will need down payment, elderly parents will need help), just not how to save it.

    We never expected to have this much cash and we don’t have advice on this from our parents or know what to do to prevent inflation loss and make it work for us, at least a little. We sold our home at the height of the recent market and that’s the source of the cash.

    We have seen the advice to have 2 years living expenses as cash during retirement and this could be our fund for that after gifts but where do we put it besides a savings account at 1-2% interest?

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. Fit Farmer*

      I would think CDs are the “usual” or perhaps only choice for this. I think everything with a greater return would have more risk than you want, especially since you don’t need to take on risk in order to get more growth potential, since you’ve saved all the money you need. CD rates are much higher right now than they used to be. You can do a “CD ladder” where the maturity dates are all staggered, but if you’re mostly worried about surprises, I wouldn’t be too concerned about having it locked away. You can always cancel the CD and get the money back, you just lose the last 6 or 12 months of interest.

          1. Observer*

            Yes, I-bonds are a much better bet. But even before the market went crazy CDs were not a good bet.

    2. KatEnigma*

      CD

      But the bank won’t allow you to gift your child a down payment. You need to have the money to buy a house yourself. This has been stressed to us through 3 house purchases. The rules changed after the housing crisis.

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        From what I am reading online, we can give $32k each? Maybe some banks don’t like it? I’ll look into that more.

        And maybe a family trust for purchasing a home for them?

        1. fposte*

          You can give even more than that–it’s just that after $16,000 you have to report it and it’s held against your lifetime gift exclusion of $12.06 million.

          If lenders are reluctant to loan to people getting down payments paid elsewhere, you can always gift your child an amount for a down payment now that they hold onto for a house. No need for a trust; just give them the money.

        2. KatEnigma*

          You can gift them (and even over the limit just means you have to pay taxes on it) but it has to be before the banks are looking at their accounts. Which the last time (last November) they pulled 6 months of statements. So yes, give it to them at least 6 months ahead of their house hunt and it will be fine. But unless you are cosigning, banks want to know the child can afford the house on their own – including closing costs and the down payment.

      2. Ali G*

        Typically the bank is only going to look at transactions from the past 90 days. If they transfer the money well in advance it won’t matter. We actually opened an entirely new account for the money my parents gave us, and just didn’t give the bank that account info. We didn’t need the money to buy the house. It just happened to coincide with my parents gifting us some money from my grandfather’s estate and we didn’t want it to mess with our loan.

        1. KatEnigma*

          6 months. Within the last year, I bought a house and the lender required 6 months of bank statements.

          And they pull your full credit report. You can’t hide bank accounts. They show up, with the balances at the time they run the report.

      3. BlueWolf*

        My parents gifted me $15k for down payment/closing costs. The mortgage lender just need a gift letter (to show it wasn’t a loan) and proof of the funds. From the brief reading I’ve done, with an FHA loan the whole down payment can be a gift, but often for conventional loans they want the borrower to show that they also have some of their own cash in the transaction. They figure if you have some of your own skin in the game you’re less likely to default I guess.

      4. Filosofickle*

        That’s not my experience. I went through the process this year, and I just needed a very simple gift letter from my family for the lender. I expected it to be tricky but it was not.

    3. TPS reporter*

      A financial advisor is very worth talking to, they know so many tricks to save and grow your money at what risk tolerance level you have. They have a fee but the value is far higher. I asked friends for an advisor they trusted before going in.

      1. Lifelong student*

        Second the I Bonds! Also not subject to state income tax so that affects your yield as well.

    4. Treasury I Bonds are linked to inflation*

      Treasury I-Bonds. You can buy $10,000 per person ($20,000 per couple) per year. Depending on the gifting situation maybe your children/parents can also buy them. The website is www . treasurydirect . gov

      The initial interest rate on new Series I savings bonds is 9.62 percent. You can buy I bonds at that rate through October 2022.

      Minimum term of ownership: 1 year
      Interest-earning period: 30 years or until you cash them, whichever comes first
      Early redemption penalties:
      Before 5 years, forfeit interest from the previous 3 months
      After 5 years, no penalty

    5. Missb*

      You could park $20k of it in I bonds, which are currently paying just under 10% interest. I think the rules are $10k/person so you could do some in 2023 too.

      Hold at least a year, small 3-mo interest penalty if cashed out in less than 5 years.

      CDs offer smaller interest rates but more liquidity.

    7. Girasol*

      Since you have a 401K, talk to whoever is holding it (Fidelity, Vanguard, whoever) about options. I keep a taxable account beside my retirement savings in a Fidelity IRA that can be liquidated pretty quickly. There’s risk that the market goes down and chips away at the amount, but over time it’s been way higher earning than a CD. If by any chance your windfall is the inheritance of someone else’s tax sheltered account, be sure to ask before cashing it out. It can stay tax sheltered under slightly different rules (based on the age of the original owner and the inheritor) but only if transferred correctly.

    8. Enough*

      Money Market account. I have one at my credit union that holds money for those larger expenses like a new roof and used for an inheritance we used to bridge the gap between retirement and collecting Social Security. It pays okay and definitely better than a regular bank would.

  55. Ali G*

    Hey all!
    I need some recommendations for shapewear, for under a dress. I need some help around the middle, if you know what I mean. I was on track to lose some weight before I need to wear it, but I hurt my knee so that’s unlikely. Is Spanx still the best or is there a better brand?
    Also, I need to get the dressed hemmed. I would like to wear heels, but the knee situation is making me think I might have to consider flats. The bride (my brother is the groom so I am pseudo wedding party) has requested floor or tea length dresses, so would it be weird to get it hemmed for flats and then wear heels? It may not be exactly tea length , so I am not sure.
    Thanks!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think you’d be fine to hem for flats and then wear heels – the problem is if it’s done the other way around, and even then it’s only really a problem if you have it hemmed floor-length with heels and then try to wear flats. With a tea-length hem, it won’t matter a whack.

    2. Dainty Lady*

      Hemming for flats and then wearing heels will be a bit long for tea length unless you’re planning on some pretty extreme heels. But, goodness, injury >strict hem length!

      ….Hm. Could they perhaps hem for flats and then *baste without pressing* for tea length heels? You could make the decision that morning. If you went tea length, you’d need a press that morning. If you went floor with flats just pull out the baste.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Huh? Tea length is defined as something like 4″ above the ankle, as I recall, which shouldn’t be impacted at all by the shoes.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I always heard “tea length” refer to where it falls on your leg rather than distance from the floor, so heels wouldn’t change that.

    4. Tib*

      Like RagingADHD says, tea length is about where the hem falls on your body and not about your shoes. The times when you need to hem for shoes are when your hem is closer to the shoes like pants or a pants-length skirt. And it’s mostly about preventing the hem from dragging on the ground or tripping you. One thing to consider might be a low wedge or a block heel to give a little height with more support. You could also talk to your doctor about what sort of support you can wear on your knee for the event.

      My problem with shapewear is that when it needs to do a significant job, like tightening my middle, it tends to turn me into a sausage with no curves and then nothing fits right. I put Spanx in that category. It’s great for giving a smooth look under clothing, but it doesn’t tighten-in one area more than another for me. I’d look for something closer to a corset that gives targeted support. I’d start by taking my dress to a special occasion alterations place to get it hemmed. There you can talk about what kind of undergarments would work best. If they can’t help, try a local bra or lingerie shop or Nordstrom, Macys, or Dillards depending on what’s near you.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Seconding something more corset-like instead of spanx or the likes. I can’t ever breath in shapewear, and even when I was much slimmer (and didn’t actually need shapewear) it just made me look like a sausage roll. A corset (or something close to it) and maybe a bit of padding in the right places, is much more comfortable.

    5. RosyGlasses*

      I highly recommend caralynmirand . Com

      She has loads of recommendations depending on smoothing, shaping etc. with pictures and she is a curvier gal so you get a sense of what works.

      Spanx thintastic is my go to and they have a ton of options.

    6. MaryLoo*

      If your dress is semi-fitted in the waist/hip area (as opposed to “really clingy”, an alternative/or addition) to spanx is a full slip, if you can find one. It will hold the dress very slightly away from you so the dress fabric doesn’t cling to every lump and bump.
      For the same effect you can also sew a half-slip to the bottom of your bra. An added advantage of either method is it can avoid VPL. The slip keeps the dress fabric from clinging.

      It might be a challenge to find a slip. You’ll have to go to an upscale store or the internet. Many salesperson under thirty is likely to say “what’s that?” if you ask for a slip, because so few people wear them nowdays.

  56. Bluebell*

    Looking for helpful advice for a family vacation next year. Siblings and I are planning our first joint vacation since Covid, and I’m trying to set it up as best as I can. (I’m the planner in the family, but everyone has reacted enthusiastically). Three different situations- one sister is single, no kids; one has two adult kids and also single; I’m married with one adult kid. Ideally we are thinking of sharing one big house, but the 6 bedroom houses are definitely pricey. Also, there’s no way everyone will get their own queen bed. Any thoughts about how to assign bedrooms or anything else? In the past we usually tried to divide costs in equal shares, but we could change that if needed.

      1. Bluebell*

        Two have been super excited (both female, age 19 and 24) Not sure re #3, and I don’t want to do anything that would discourage him from going.

        1. AL*

          Will the 19 and 24 year olds be fine with sharing a room for a short vacation? If so, you can look for just a 4 bedroom place (or even just 3, if the rental has cots you can set up in the living room), and can plan for kid #3 to set up on the couch. The kids would pay a lesser share in this case, of course! You’ll probably be out and about for the majority of the vacation, so I don’t think it would be the end of the world for everyone to not have their own room.

          1. Bluebell*

            We actually hang out at the house a lot. My one reservation w putting a young adult in living room is that they may want to stay up late and noise could carry. Since the kids are all 19-24, they probably won’t be asked to pitch in too much financially. I might ask the 19 & 24 year old to share – it used to seem like a much wider age difference to have a 9 year old share w a teenager.

    2. HBJ*

      Why does everyone need their own queen bed, especially for a short-term vacation? I slept on a twin until I married, and then we were both on a full for years after that.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Not bluebell, but I know I just barely fit on a twin height-wise, I need at least a full, and from what I understand usually in hotels it’s twin->queen->king, with full not an option.

      2. Bluebell*

        such a good question! my hub and I share a double at home but both sisters have Q or K at home, and the young adults all have at least doubles. and some people consider it a slight if they are asked to take a smaller bed. One is at college this year, and I have yet to ask if shes enduring a twin bed :) For the record, we are all short – tallest is 5’6 or 7.

        1. Generic Name*

          Since size isn’t an issue (I’m from a family of shorties too :), I’d ask everyone who is ok sleeping on a twin bed. You might also ask if anyone is ok sharing a larger bed. I’m happy to sleep on a twin, but I would not have been ok with sharing with my sister when I was a young adult (although now would probably be fine).

          1. Blomma*

            Same, I’m 4’11” so a twin bed is perfectly fine but would refuse to share a bed in this situation.

        2. WellRed*

          This is a temporary situation not a lifestyle change. What one is used to at home shouldn’t dictate a week lodging(within reason).

    3. The Person from the Resume*

      You can ask what people want. I’d say only the couple needs a queen bed. Singles should be able to sleep on a twin bed. They may have to share a room like a room with two twin beds in it. I know that could be the considered the “kids” room, but these things happen on vacation. It’s not like everyone gets their own room and everyone sleeps on the same kind of bed they have at home.

      I would never ask non-couples to share a bed, though.

      Another hotel option to look into is two or three hotel suites. My family has managed that for 10 people albeit for 3 couples, a single adult, and 3 children. The kids have shared a bed and slept on sofas/pull out sofa.

    4. Morning reader*

      Why six bedrooms? I count 3 for each of the older adults (with you and hub sharing) and 3 beds anywhere else for the “kids.” Or, maybe, 4 bedrooms with three beds for the kids in the last one. It’s vacation, unless you want to pay for luxury accommodations, it’s pretty normal to have young adults bunk anywhere, with cots or air mattresses or whatever. A tent in the yard even. In similar situations, my brother and I, in our 50s, slept on couches in an upstairs tv room. Look for places that have extra sleeping spots.
      I would spilt housing costs 3 ways with each sib equal, or, 4 ways so you and hubs pay more and you get the primary bedroom with attached bath. If kids are contributing, let them buy the food or pay for excursions, or little extras that are not as much as the housing.
      20-somethings in my recollection can pretty much sleep where they land. We called it “crashing” in my day, ex: “can I crash at your place?”
      Before proceeding, I suggest a sibling conference where you review, real time, the options before you book. This one has 3 bedrooms and a large game room with couches, that one has 4 bedrooms and a screened sleeping porch, etc. also touch base with the “kids” to find out if any plan to bring a s.o. That could require an extra separate room or maybe boyfriends are out in a tent, if your family doesn’t allow sleeping-together at that age.
      P.s. in the sleeping on couches situations, please don’t make everyone split costs equally because it can cause resentment. Those without bedrooms or real beds should pay less or go free. Charge by the bedroom or by the number of older adults who get bedrooms. And get agreement on that from the sibs.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks for the input. Yes, your suggestions are sensible, but I’m not sure what other people will expect. I plan to present 4-6 options, and will talk it over with my sibs about their expectations. I also plan to be clear w my kid that she can’t definitely expect for us to pay and her to get her own bedroom. Just not sure what sister w the 2 kids will want, and I’ll ask her outright later. We are also thinking of going May or early June which should cost less.

    5. AlabamaAnonymous*

      Have you looked into parks that rent cabins? You may not want that kind of vacation but my family did that once. Each sibling family group got their own cabin. The cabins were within sight of each other so it was easy for us to get together. But each family got their own space hat they could divvy up however. Most of the cabins had 2 queen beds. And it was fairly inexpensive. Just a thought.

      1. Bluebell*

        We definitely want to be on a beach, so I don’t think the cabin concept would work. I have thought about 2 smaller houses, but it would probably be pricier.

        1. AlabamaAnonymous*

          Maybe 2 house boats? Staying on a house boat is on my bucket list, but it might be one of those things that sounds better than it actually is :-)

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          What part of the country are you visiting? I’m picturing a situation like the Outer Banks, where there are plenty of 6-bedroom options especially if you book far enough in advance.

          1. Bluebell*

            Bingo – we *are* looking at OBX! but the 6BR are pretty pricey. Just trying to think about different options and if I’m being unreasonable hoping to rent something w 4 or 5BR.

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              Even the 4s have pull out couches in pretty decent situations. We stay in a house in the winter that has 4 bedrooms plus a pretty well situated pull out that’s separate from the living room. Look at layout rather than number. Shoot, the house we stay in has a bunk bed that’s sturdy enough for adults.

              The summer in the OBX will always be pricey. If you’re not looking for stuff to do, look far north (Corolla near the 4x4s) or places like Avon or Salvo. We go in the winter and rarely leave the house except for walks, so we opt for peace and reasonable prices rather than “close to restaurants”.

              1. Bluebell*

                We went to Nags Head as kids, so have a soft spot for there. Plus restaurants are good for our family’s wide preferences- includes 2 fishitarians, one meat only, and one very health food eater.

                1. AvonLady Barksdale*

                  Yeah, the bigger houses are going to be further north. If you’re committed to Nags Head, two houses might be your solution.

    6. Sproket*

      I’d talk to everyone about what’s a dealbreaker for them before you get into looking at options. For me, I’d absolutely have to have a room to myself, and a decent sized bed, to be comfortable going on a trip. I need a space I can retreat to. I’m willing to pay more for that, but it’s non-negotiable. If it’s not doable, I’m out.

      I’d strongly recommend finding out now if any of your group have such requirements, and also what their position is on costs, before you go too far with the planning. If everyone is fine sharing and is happy to split the cost equally, great. But if not, it’s much better to get that out in the open early on, and plan for it, than have people feeling put upon and uncomfortable, and possibly dropping out further down the line and causing more hassle.

      1. Bluebell*

        Good idea, Sproket. One of the tricky parts is whether the mom of the two young adults might want to answer for her kids. and I can totally see them getting a better offer for summer vacation and blowing us off.

  57. Tib*

    Finding an apartment 101: I have to help a family member find an apartment in Massachussets for November. This person will have low/no income (family may subsidize for a time), very poor credit, and maybe a foreclosure (still in process). We’re working on local programs, but they probably won’t have anything right away. Family member is over 55, so senior places are a possibility but they are reluctant to do that. I know it’s late and a big topic, but I’d be grateful for any tips.

    1. Bluebell*

      Do they need to be near a job? If they don’t, you can probably choose a place farther out from Boston. Also, since the family member is 55+, I’d suggest calling a few Councils on Aging in towns you might consider. They can be super helpful and point you to potential subsidized housing, as well as other options.

    2. Alex*

      That’s going to be very tough. Is there any way that family could pitch in and buy something in a 55+ community? Like one of those trailer parks? I suspect that will be cheaper than any apartment. The programs are going to have waitlists a mile long. Looking online now I see some for around 600-800 a month as the payment for purchase. Would that be something the family could handle?

      1. WellRed*

        Trailer parks are being bought up by investors. There’s two cases right now in Mass with tenants fighting to buy their own park. So if this route is one you consider, tread carefully. Is family member unable to work?

        1. Tib*

          We’re not sure. They’re currently unemployed and have been since just before the pandemic. We’re working on helping them find something easy and part-time and getting them into job services, but there’s significant depression so progress is slow. We’re working on treatment plans and disability as well.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Maybe a trailer park where the land is owned by the park community itself? People can buy trailers, but the right to sell the land belongs to the park and its voters as a whole, not to individuals. Instead of getting the land when you buy a trailer, you get a share of the park and voting rights. When you sell your trailer, those go to the new owner. The park acts like a co-op — the board has a right to vet new buyers for the good of the community as a whole. My ex lived in one of these and loved it — it kept monthly park fees very reasonable because everyone had to vote in favor of any increases, so only increases for reasons that made sense (like the lawnmowing company is charging more) were passed.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Massachusetts subsidized housing for seniors can be very nice, though yes, the waitlists are long. I’ve known some people who couch surfed/ stayed in homeless shelters for a bit until they hit the top of the list, but the apartments they got then were relatively awesome (MUCH better than a lot of other places’ public housing) and came with a lot of useful social services attached.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I would call a bunch of senior centers in towns you’re interested in and see what kind of support there is. They could refer you to some Section 8 housing and perhaps meal on wheels and whatever else this relative could be qualified to receive.
      Good luck!

  58. AL*

    Favorite “nice” everyday china/stoneware dishes? I am looking for a change from my Johnson Brothers collection. Thanks!

    1. Yeah summer!*

      I love fiestaware. I have been growing a collection for about 15 years. I have never had a chip or break. There are so many color options.

      2. Doc in a Box*

        My college dining hall had Fiestaware! Extremely durable, given what dining hall dishes go through.

        Be careful if you get them from a thrift store, though. Some of the older plates had lead or uranium (!!!). I think they stopped using uranium glaze in the 1970s, and according to their website, they’ve been lead-free since either 1986 or 1992, depending on what you purchase.

    2. Roland*

      Corelle. They’re light and very hardy, in the maybe 10-15 years my family (with 3 kids) has been using them, one bowl has slightly chipped and no other chips or breaks.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mom still has Corelle that I know for sure we used as our everyday dishes when I was eight. I distinctly remember my then six-year-old brother bragging to our cousin at family Christmas in 1988 that mom said the dishes were unbreakable, see? And he raised a bowl up over his head and flung it dramatically to the tile floor and shocked the whole house with the explosive shattering sound it made when it disintegrated. My mom laughed until she cried, then explained to him that she meant in normal use, not intentional attempts to smash them. Almost all the rest of the set survived to modern day.

    3. Harriet Jacobs*

      We bought Denby dishes when we married 12 years ago. Even with a lot of use, only 2 bowls have chipped. They are sturdy but not too heavy.
      Pre-covid we got lots of compliments. We had two different patterns in the same color palette.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Denby is expensive but gorgeous, and i love how you can build a cohesive set that has a lot of variation in it.

      2. Catherine*

        My parents were gifted two sets of dishes when they married in 1979: a “fancy” set (Denby) and an “everyday” set (Corelle). In 2022, both sets of dishes get daily use, and my dad and his second wife are coming up on their 20th anniversary. :)

    4. Generic Name*

      My everyday dishes are Polish Pottery. Tons of designs in coordinating colors. Hand-painted/stamped designs.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Portmeirion’s Botanic Garden line – I picked up several pieces of that at places like T J Maxx or Marshall’s. (I don’t have a complete set; my default china is a basic white-with-black-edging that I think I got at Target. But I like having the Botanic pattern in mugs, bowls, and a plate or three as more colorful accents.)

      1. Sandy Bee*

        I have those! Not the full set but enough to get the job done—I thought they were too pricey for my first apartment but my mom convinced me to invest in good dishes because “your father and I are still eating off plates I bought in college”.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Ours are Pfaltzgraff and my only complaint is that our silverware leaves marks – which can be removed but takes some elbow grease. But they’re nice looking and sturdy.

      1. HBJ*

        We’ve personally not had good luck with Pfaltzgraff. Lots of chips and cracks from seemingly nothing (never been dropped). Had one crack just from being put in the sink and not very roughly either. When we bought it, we couldn’t find a single box at the store that didn’t have broken pieces. Ultimately, we finally found a box with only one piece broken and swapped that piece for a good one from a different box before buying it.

    7. A313*

      Something to consider: a white porcelain collection and add color/personality with table runner, napkins, flowers, etc. Porcelain is quite durable, too

      1. lime*

        Second this! The traditional advice is that your everyday dinnerware should be white, and if you want to add in color, you do that with accessories like appetizer plates, ramekins, serving bowls, and table linens. This makes it easier to replace everyday items that may break. Sure, you might find a pattern you love for your dinnerware, but there’s no guarantee that pattern will still be around in 5 years.

    8. Girasol*

      I love my mix and match second hand collection. I picked fruit as a theme and have all sorts of fruit patterns including a few fun antiques. The great thing is that if I break a piece it’s replaceable. If I get tired of any of it, back to second hand it goes and I get to shop for new fruit patterns. I’ll never do the matched set thing again. Too fussy.

      1. Generic Name*

        This is such a fun idea! The mix and match thing is one of the reasons I like polish pottery. There’s a ton of different patterns/designs, but the colors are largely the same (cobalt blue, teal, forest green, and garnet red) so everything “goes” together.

  59. Bluebell*

    Has anyone ever set up a music corner in a room? Trying to put one together in a study, and I’m looking for ideas. The instrument in question is a bassoon, so it doesn’t need that much room.

    1. fposte*

      I’m interested to hear other ideas. I’ve semi-failed at that in that my music corner is right smack in the living room, mostly because I want easy access to the instruments (helps that recorders are easy to store). I like a place to keep relevant music (I use cardboard magazine boxes), something like a bowl for random crap such as music book holders and sticky notes, and I use a small narrow vase for cleaning sticks and my recorders inserted vertically. I have an extra halogen desk lamp (Ikea) to aim at the music when it’s dark. I wish I’d gotten a fully collapsible music stand–mine has a solid back–but at least I can easily adjust and move it.

    2. ESus4*

      Mine (guitar, singing practice, and songwriting) has to be right in a living area oI won’t do it. Fortunately it’s just guitar on stand and music stand.

    3. The Person from the Resume*

      It was a surprise. New fonts and everything. I like the look of the buttons too.

      I do like the retro look of the header. It’s cool. I’m not sure if it conveys a work-related site. What is in the middle between the title and retro Alison? Is it a hat rack? An unusual lamp?

      1. RagingADHD*

        It appears the office’s interior design was done by Yul Ulu from “Auntie Mame,” which would make it most likely a lamp.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        You answered the question I had, which was whether the fonts were different or I was really confused.

    4. VI Guy*

      The graphic is fun, but it forces me to use a serif font (which I find hard to read due to a visual impairment (VI)) so I might abandon reading the comments. I have just tried a forced font change without success. I can’t change it on my phone (samsung, android) or laptop (microsoft edge) although I can’t comment at all with the laptop. I hit Reply and nothing happens.

      1. Observer*

        Interesting. I just changed the font using FireFox, but Chrome seems to be refuse to change it. I think it’s a Chrome problem. If you are using chrome or Edge (which uses the Chrome engine) try FF.

        As for not being able to comment using the laptop, that’s kind of odd. I really would give a look at your settings.

          1. acmx*

            I can’t change Slate but I was able to change you site using Firefox .

            I changed Allow pages to choose their own fonts, instead of your selections above in the advanced part of settings for anyone who hasn’t changed their browser before – like me before today)

            1. Jackalope*

              I want to add that many internet browsers allow for you to override the default font and colors. It varies from browser to browser, but for those of you who are having issues that could potentially be helpful. (If you’ve already tried that then ignore this.)

              (I personally appreciate the Serif font, although I was fine with the prior font as well so I have no issues going either way. But the Serif is a tiny bit easier for me.)

              1. Momma Bear*

                Agreed. I came back from vacation and am really struggling with the font and some of the layout. The old layout was much easier for me to read. Also for some reason some of the bold text looks fuzzy.

            2. CatsOnAKeyboard*

              Here as well – I find the font a bit of a struggle on the articles but almost impossible on the comments (I came over here from the link on Monday’s article at the top and my eyes are hurting after about 5 comments)

            3. Lacey*

              Yes. I’ve seen a lot of people saying the new one is easier to read, but I find it much more challanging!

          3. Wintermute*

            the other thread said post here for commentary on the design, but I can’t tell exactly WHICH comment I’m mean to reply to, so I figure blue text it is.

            Having some readability issues with the font for sure, especially when italicized. The font used for site navigation is okay but seems a bit “cramped”, especially noticeable in the “pic” part of “topics” or the “IVE” of “archives” where the I is almost overlapped by the V and the E is nearly touching the other tail. A little more space in the kerning would help. It’s better when lowercase like in letter titles, but still asking for an unfortunate kerning fail (a “Keming”) at some point.

          4. Agent Diane*

            Whilst I like the design I’d really ask for the font to be one that is accessible for most people with visual and cognitive impairments by default rather than expecting the people who need san serif fonts to have to do the work. It’s a subtle form of ablism to expect someone with a disability to do the work to make something more accessible.

            I personally don’t hate the serif font though the line spacing on comments on my phone is a bit scrunched up (Safari on iOS).

            1. Long Time Reader, First Time Squinter*

              I agree that this is very important. Aesthetic must come after accessibility (I have spent hours modifying PPTs for this reason). As someone without any known impairment who usually enjoys serif fonts, I am finding this astonishingly challenging to read, so I can only imagine the difficulty others are having.

        2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          To be honest I usually read this on my android phone and it’s kind of a pain to change the fonts on individual websites on it. I don’t think I would bother just for one site, I’m more likely to just read it less.

          1. Long Time Reader, First Time Squinter*

            Same here. Which is a shame as I have enjoyed and recommended this website for years now! But I also know that, for something I mostly casually browse (daily, but casually), I will not spend the time and effort figuring out how to remedy it for just myself.

      3. nnn*

        Data point: I’m able to change the font using the “Enforce Browser Fonts” extension in Firefox.

        I also find the serif font in the body text difficult on my eyes, and somehow the fact that the body font size is slightly bigger than before makes it harder – I can’t really articulate why.

        I like the sans serif font and increased whitespace in the headers and titles, and I vote for carrying that spirit into the rest of the layout

        1. Fit Farmer*

          Yes, I feel the same way about the main body text font. Somehow it doesn’t scan as easily…I’ve never thought about how different fonts “feel” to read, but since I check in on this site so regularly it really is a noticeable difference. It feels to me much more halting to read, rather than smooth.

            2. Willis*

              Yes, I definitely think there’s an issue with spacing. Was going to say that before seeing your box.

              1. ArtsNerd*

                Also a serif selection with lower contrast between the thick and thin parts of the letters.

            4. Irushka*

              Yes, much easier. I had to use Firefox reader mode to read the body text because it all ran into a grey mass with the lines so close together.

            5. WoodswomanWrites*

              Yes, the other version with more space is easier to read. I’m on a laptop using Firefox.

            6. Lille My*

              It was better in the picture. I had to minimize the page now because of the size of the font. It is more difficult to read, unfortunately.

            7. Seeking Second Childhood*

              My phone’s smaller than the device you screenshotted –enough so that the image is too small to read at all. Sorry no data from me.
              That said, my issue is that as much as I love having the idea of a larger font size, right now I don’t get much text on screen before I have to scroll again.

            8. Grits McGee*

              Much easier to read the screenshot text- the thicker line in the lettering causes much less eye strain.

            10. OrigCassandra*

              Spacing helps, yes. Something else to play with might be max-width — I think the lines might be a tad long?

              I do like the new look in general!

                1. Hi, Hello, Good Morning*

                  I *love* longer lines because then you get more information on the screen and have to scroll down less (it’s seems many designs I have to nearly constantly scroll to keep up with reading the low amount of words/info on a page). MORE info per screen is so much easier.

            11. VI Guy*

              The regular font is more readable. The italics is almost impossible to read in both situations, but maybe increase the spacing for the italics part a bit more?

            12. Miss Muffet*

              Yes i find it easier to read the text in the screenshot. I think the weight is too light on this current font. I am using a giant monitor and it’s not that easy.

            13. Ask a Manager* Post author

              That change is now made. You might have to do a hard refresh in your browser for it to take effect. Hopefully that makes it easier on the eyes for a lot of you. (Still working on other solutions too though.)

              1. VI Guy*

                Thanks for looking at other options. I’m at a point where I can read the text but it’s slow, so I’ll skip the comments for now. I’m also irritated with the browsers that they seem to be reducing accessibility, for example I used to be able to force a font type but can’t easily do that now. I have enough time-consuming parts of my life that I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the chance that I can improve my ability to read one website, even if it is one of the more useful ones!

            14. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Also, this is super cool: Look at https://cft-aft.org/ and click the accessibility button on the top left to see what that site did (basically a menu of all different kinds of accessibility options that people can choose from to meet their specific needs).

              2. Fae Kamen*

                Accessibility widgets/overlays like that can be okay—though they can sometimes do more harm than good—but why not also build in some of the key features from the start? Would it be so bad if the site had a sans serif font by default?

                I hope this isn’t overstepping to say, but accessibility widgets are also not very new. I would encourage all here who may run a website to stay up to date on web accessibility as you might on advertising platforms or other industry issues. There is tons of information out there.

                1. Fae Kamen*

                  I missed it before but it looks like others have already commented to similar effect, so my apologies if it’s gotten to the point of piling on. We do appreciate you, Alison!

            15. Gabrielle*

              This screenshot seems better, even though I’m reading on my phone so it isn’t a totally fair comparison. (The text shows up small in my phone’s view of the screenshot, but still easier to read!)

            17. short'n'stout (she/her)*

              I’ve probably come in too late, but I’ve only just seen the new design, and the font (even with all the tweaks) is still hard for me to read. I don’t have the graphic design language to explain why, so I’ll just say that I find it too “spiky”. Maybe pick a font that has the thick/thin parts of the shapes closer in thickness to each other, with a smaller or no serif?

        2. VI Guy*

          I can change font sizes easily, I often do. I admit that I’m slightly frustrated by the people who are happy with the font being a bit bigger, because in my world I often make it big and that is so offset with the fact that it’s serif. I’ve been researching how to force a change in fonts and nothing works. I tried firefox but can’t figure that out either. I’m giving up for the night.

          1. acmx*

            In settings to change the font, click the advanced tab and at the bottom, uncheck the box for Allow pages to choose their own fonts, instead of your selections above.

            Apologies if you tried that.

        3. nnn*

          Another data point: I’m able to successfully use Reader Mode in Firefox if I click through to each individual post, although the Reader Mode option doesn’t appear on the main page. (I don’t remember if it did before the redesign or not)

        4. Filosofickle*

          This may only make sense to a designer, but I can partly explain the readability issue. The new body font is very open. It has a high x-height, which is literally the height of the letter x. This means the capital letters (A, B) and high/low characters (d, l, p, j) aren’t much taller than the median height letters (x, a, m, s). This makes the type seem bigger at the same size, but leaves less breathing room between lines of text. It also has very big counters, the enclosed space inside of an “o” or an “a”. Again, makes the text appear larger. But the line spacing is too tight for all this added roundness and height. So overall the letters are very large, and it’s hard to scan because there isn’t enough space between the lines and your eyes can’t track as well and have nowhere to rest.

          The title is actually the worst for me — again, huge x height plus the individual letters are very wide plus tight line spacing. It feels crammed.

          tl; dr – try increasing the line and paragraph spacing

          1. sb51*

            Yeah, I personally like serif fonts but this one kept making me think of those “girly” handwriting styles that look like bubbles and have hearts dotting the eyes.

            There’s a lot more vertical space in this comment box and it’s much more readable to me as I’m typing. Or it’s a different font but I think it’s the same one with wildly different spacing.

          2. L.H. Puttgrass*

            This is a great explanation. Thanks.

            For me, the body font looks like it’s compressed. I don’t know enough design or typography to know if it’s really compressed (or if “compressed” is the right word), but the new body font seems like the characters are running together more than they did.

            It’s not just that the body font is serif, it’s that it’s a fairly “frilly” serif. The old font was Georgia (at least in my browser), which is a nice, basic, readable system font. The new one (“Lora?”) seems a bit…in-your-face designer-y, maybe?

            I’m also not a fan of mixing serif and sans-serif fonts. They seem to be mingling quite a bit more than is ideal. I get the appeal of sans-serif headers and a serif body font, but I’m also seeing sans-serif in things like “Reply to Filosofickle / Cancel reply to comment” text above—but then the very next line, the “Before you comment,” is serif again. The most jarring is “{ 203 comments… read them below or add one },” which is an unholy mix of serif and sans-serif on the same line (the number is in a serif font and the rest of the line is sans-serif). Mixing sans-serif and serif can add visual contrast, but IMO the new design overdoes it.

            My overall impression is that the new design is trying to look too “cute,” at the cost of legibility.

            2. Jshaden*

              Concur with L.H. Puttgrass and Miss Muffet – While I personally prefer serif fonts, I’m fine with sans serif, but please do one or the other, the sans serif skinny font to for titles just clashes with the rounder new serif font to my eyes.

          3. lime*

            Great explanation!

            I’m a web/UX designer, and in general, sans-serif fonts are recommended for screens because they’re (supposedly) easier to read. I’ve tried to research if this is backed up by any scientific-ish studies, and there haven’t been any very conclusive results except that readers with low-vision or other vision issues tends to do better with sans-serif fonts. I’d say that at the very least, the majority of contemporary websites do use sans-serif fonts for body text, which probably means our brains have been trained to find sans-serif fonts more comfortable to the eye, and thus are perceived as easier to read. As much as I like the aesthetics of this new serif font (Lora), I’ve gotta say that after a while, it does become tiring for me to read.

            Agree with Filosofickle about increasing the line and paragraph spacing if you’re going to stick with this font. But I’d also suggest using a sans-serif for the body text, and then using Lora bold for headings if you really love the typeface.

          5. the Viking Diva*

            I like the colors of the new site, but agree that the mix of serif and sans-serif is part of the problem. Feels too much like a myspace site :) I’d prefer sans-serif. Thanks for the analysis of why it feels crammed, Filosofickle. I’m not however crazy about solutions that add more spacing and thus more scrolling. I’d prefer a more spacious-feeling font.

            On a strictly aesthetic basis, I like the 50s stylings – but I do agree with other commenters that the 50s are not what we want to invoke for workplace norms nowadays.

      5. Pyjamas*

        I too find the fonts very difficult to read, as well as the brown color instead of standard black. I guess I’ll give up on comments too, but it’s hardly inclusive to shut out ppl with visual problems

      6. Mumble*

        My comments are not posting, and have not been for a few days. I’m not sure if this is a glitch with the new design? It looks good, though.

      7. Rae*

        Everything feels really squished with the new design. There’s not enough space between the lines of text and the font sizes are all over the place. It’s a struggle to read (because it’s daunting to attempt what feels like a cramped wall of text, and also because the words jump around between the lines and that makes it hard to read as well.)

      8. Maz*

        I think I must be the only one who doesn’t love the new banner. I find it a bit too in-your-face, and feel the previous banner was much cleaner.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          You’re not the only one. I have a very small phone and don’t like to spend that much screen space to see the headline. It takes up more than 50% of my screen– add in the increased size and Monday morning article cuts off at the by line without showing the start of letter number one.
          (I also have a small data plan in a semi-rural neighborhood where we lose network service more than I like to admit so I hoard my bandwidth and don’t visit graphics heavy sites when I’m on mobile…. which kind of throws off my ask a manager hike break.)

          1. Blanket Alice*

            Even on desktop, for me it’s taking up quite a lot of space. When I go to the homepage, I basically see the giant banner, the title, and “A reader asks:”.

            The odd spacing issue is kind of clunky and hard to read because it feels like the text takes up so much space and is forcing me to read a few words at a time.

        2. ferrina*

          Totally agree. The new banner takes up SO MUCH SPACE, and the visual feels 1950s, which wasn’t exactly known for a great time for women in the workplace. And why is Alison’s office so far away from other office buildings? Is it because she’s been kicked out of polite society?
          For me it really undermines Alison’s expertise. She’s great at showcasing a lot of different experiences and synthesizing that in a relatable way to differentiate between what’s normal/not normal, and why it happens that way. This header does the opposite.

          1. BPT*

            Yeah I was really focused on the font because that’s the thing that has an impact on me, versus a stylistic choice that I might not agree with, but doesn’t affect the content too much. But the 70s retro feel in conjunction with a workplace blog gives me Mad Men vibes, which is not the connotation I would want if I were giving workplace advice. Alison’s advice is good, modern, and supportive, which the 70s were decidedly not when it came to the workplace. So yeah not loving the new graphic. As a loyal reader, it wouldn’t keep me away, but for newer readers, I’m not sure it’s giving the vibe that’s congruent with the actual content here.

          2. Meg*

            Just adding on to say the banner design is VERY off-putting to me. Stylistically it isn’t my taste, but that doesn’t really matter. My bigger concern is that it harkens back to a time when workplaces weren’t even close to good for anyone but white men, and that isn’t the vibe I want when reading what I consider to be solid advice trying to make the workplace better for everyone. Vintage furniture is fun, vintage workplaces are not.

            1. C N Beattie*

              As someone who started full time work in 1967, this banner definitely brings back memories, and not in a good way….cleaner and more professional appearance, please.

      9. Grey*

        Not a fan of the font either. It’s less easier to read and it’s difficult, at least for me, to tell the difference between the letter and the AAM reply.

      10. Hi, Hello, Good Morning*

        Whereas I love these new fonts – so much easier to read. The spacing between the letters or something is better, and the letters look more fully formed. I, personally, use Tahoma as my default font.

        I also like the overall feel of the new design. There’s less white space and things are aligned/stacked better for easier flow.

        Kudos!

    6. migraine incoming*

      Glad someone does! This font is virtually unreadable for me and I’m risking giving myself a migraine just trying to scan the main page. And I can’t find any way to change it.

      Has this design been robustly tested for accessibility needs? Is it just me? If so, I’ll need to bow out of reading here, as this is not safe for me.

      1. RagingADHD*

        The design has a number of accessibility problems, both visually and in the architecture, which is surprising given how much Alison has written about accessibility issues.

        2. Wine Not Whine*

          Agreed. I don’t mind the new font itself, but light colored text (headlines, links) on the white background significantly reduces legibility.

          And yeah, big headers eat a lot of space on small phone screens, for marginal return.

          (Both of these seem to be trending in website design; this isn’t the only place I’ve seen them recently. My own employer’s recent intranet “2.0” release soaks up so much space with oversized graphics that I find its useful content has been greatly lessened.)

          1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

            Hard agree about light-colored text. My aging eyes find it tiring to read.

          2. Foley*

            With a header that size, I can’t really read on my iPhone (pro max – because I need it big with large fonts to read anything) unless I use Safari’s reader mode – which I do to read the question/answers – but have to switch back to read the comments – between the header size and the ads – there’s very little visible text. (I have no ads on desktop as they’re blocked for everything so I have no idea how that looks).

          3. Phony Genius*

            Speaking of light-colored text, the white text in the boxes on the right is hard to read with the patterned background. (Such as “Collapse/Expand all threaded comments.”)

            1. lime*

              Yes! I came to this thread just to comment on this. I love the patterned background– it’s super cute! But, the really thin, white fonts makes it really hard to read. To make it more readable, you’d need to switch to a heavier font. In terms of web accessibility, none of these past the color contrast test (taking into account the light triangles). So to make them accessible, you’d need to make the typeface bold (which will help with general readability). Unfortunately, the yellow boxes can’t be made accessible as easily– white text on a yellow background never has enough contrast to be accessible. So, you could either change the color– the rusty orange used in the header graphic (the box behind “Ask a Manager”) would work! Or you can add some text shadow, which, again will help not only with accessibility but general readability.

            2. MxBee*

              I came here to comment on that too – it’s really bad for accessibility to have text on a patterned background. It’s bad for folks with low vision because it decreases the contrast between text and background. It’s bad for folks with dyslexia because it muddles the letter shapes. It’s bad for folks with ADHD because it’s distracting from the text. It’s bad for folks with vestibular disabilities because it messes with the perception of depth.

              Please review this design feature!

          4. kitryan*

            I agree about all this oversized/space hog trend. A service my office pays for recently did a site redesign and there’s so much blank space that to use the site easily and see everything I want I have to make the browser window the full size of the monitor, so I can forget about lining it up with a spreadsheet to compare data or anything like that. It also is all about opening up new pages inside the current page, so you have to find the X to click to go back and doesn’t let me open those pages as new windows or tabs instead so it’s very difficult to compare the data from two users on the site as well.
            I also see the same big headers, minimal text, has to be maximized to work right design on the recent revamp of our time tracker/benefits site as well.

        3. Tania*

          In addition to the obvious font issues, which are significant, the sidebar has links in coloured boxes which have light coloured “thin” text on backgrounds which are both coloured and patterned. This makes the text incredibly difficult to read, further reducing accessibility.

      2. ArtsNerd*

        I had no idea what you were referring to until I turned off my color filters and went “yow” on the serif contrast. It’s totally fine on a yellow screen for me for whatever reason. But yes, this one isn’t the right typeface for large blocks of text on web.

        FWIW, competing accessibility needs are a thing. Yes, they can do better than this, but there’s no “perfectly accessible” solution. Many choices that help people with visual loss can trigger migraines for me without assistive tech. I see some people want sans serif fonts, but the serifs are actually very *helpful* for me with my own fun flavor of vision loss. Otherwise it’s hard to differentiate between similar letterforms. I can do it, but serif is much more comfortable for me.

        1. Quoth the Raven*

          Now that you mention it, I wasn’t having many problems with the font while I was wearing my yellow-tinted computer glasses and my contacts. Now that they’re off and I’m wearing regular glasses, I’m having a harder time reading. It kind of looks too compact, which doesn’t really happen with yellow.

          1. Not A Racoon Keeper*

            Yes! I’m noticing the same thing (font is more legible with blue-light glasses on) which is fascinating.

            Also, the font while typing the comment is somehow even harder for my (I think neurotypical) brain/eyes to read than the posted comments or article text. Granted my monitor is old, but I’m struggling even with my computer glasses on. It also seems to be a little slower for letters to appear than when I type in Outlook, for example.

            Adding to the chorus of people who are struggling with this font more generally. I also dislike the font being larger for the article and smaller for the comments – not sure if this achieves anything, and also just makes me feel like I need to zoom out to read the article, and then zoom back in to read the comments. The large spacing of the article text feels like an unnecessary compromise for a difficult to read font.

            I know I can be generally adverse to UI change, so I’m appreciating seeing others’ thoughts here, and I appreciate Allison and her team’s receptivity to feedback on this one!

        2. nnn*

          Thinking about competing accessibility needs, I’ve seen some website that have a drop-down where users can pick different style sheets (with or without serifs, dark mode or light mode).

          I’d be very happy if that became the norm throughout the internet!

          1. lime*

            These are known as overlays in the accessibility world, and they’re a bit controversial, mostly because they’re band-aid fixes that don’t solve deeper accessibility issues, such as sites being able to support screen readers or having not having tab orders set up correctly. Not generally recommended by folks who are serious about accessibility.

        3. philmar*

          Yeah, I much prefer serif font and this is very easy for me to read. Unless you can enable a dark mode and a default mode or something like that, Alison won’t be able to please everyone.

      3. DarthVelma*

        It’s not just you. The re-design in a migraine-inducing nightmare for me as well. And I know it has accessibility issues because an agency website I’m associated with recently got blasted for many issues I’m seeing with this site now.

      4. Katherine*

        Unfortunately, serif fonts are very inaccessible to people with dyslexia. It’s almost impossible for me to read and is taking me triple the time to read/understand it. It’s just too hard right now, and I wasn’t able to finish today’s short answers.

        For people with dyslexia, it’s easier to read sans serif fonts like Arial or Veranda, and any serif fonts (with the little tails on the letters) are really hard to read. Having good spacing between letters helps as well, which the new font is lacking. If you Google dyslexia friendly fonts, you can find a lot of accessible alternatives. Many sites have pivoted to dyslexia friendly, sans serif fonts to make their sites easier to read, so it’s no surprise others are struggling because serif fonts are just harder to read for everyone.

        I really hope Alison hears from several people with dyslexia who can’t read the site anymore. It’s not about aestetics for me, it’s about accessibility due to my disability.

        1. kaboom*

          I have read about the difference between serif and sans serif, but i never had an issue until now. I dont have dyslexia, but I do have ADHD so idk if thats related. Or its just a difficult font to begin with regardless if you have neuro differences.

        2. VI Guy*

          I have nystagmus, which causes my eyes to flicker, in addition to other problems with my retina that make me permanently near-sighted. I don’t notice the flickering, but it means that I have trouble seeing the difference between fill and filll. I often read based on best-guessing letters, for example I can’t easily differentiate E and F but I can tell based on context, and fonts that are squished, have serifs, and italics all complicate my reading. My problems are different from yours, but same result…

      6. JewishAndVibing*

        Yeah, I have ADHD, and I can’t pinpoint it exactly, but it seems harder for my brain to read.

        Some of it might be the thinness of the text? I’m comparing it to the work-related articles on my other screen, and it seems a lot thinner/less bold.

      7. thisgirlhere*

        I just ran it through an accessibility check and it flagged issues with the fonts and colors. Alison will definitely need to look at this. In addition to making the site less welcoming, it also negatively impacts SEO.

    9. Belle*

      Love the larger font but I am also trying to change the font style on my device still. Doesn’t work for me with my vision issues and is common for this font style. Hopefully I can figure out an alternative to stay accessible.

    12. Libra10*

      Love the new design, font is bigger and easy to read. Header makes me think of you as a private investigator, I thinks it’s the retro look doing that. Have you changed the spacing also.

    13. Not So Little My*

      I’m not sure what I think of the font – I like that it is bigger, but I think there is a bit of cognitive drag from it being a serif font. I mostly read on my phone. I’ll wait for the accessibility issues to be worked out.

      1. HereToRead*

        Yeah for some reason this font is a little harder to read. I read on my phone, maybe that’s why it’s an issue, but the font certainly slowed down my reading today trying.

        1. MBAir*

          Same here. Between the serif font and the super bright white background, it’s a little eye strain-y

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’m another one who is finding it harder to read now that it’s a serif font. I think I remember being told at some point that serif fonts should only be used in print, not on screens, but that was probably over 20 years ago and I did not retain the specifics of why, even assuming that there was a reason and that it’s still applicable these days.

        I’m also struggling a bit because the font size for the comments is smaller than the font size for the articles. I used to have this entire site set on 133% zoom, but now that feels “too big” for the article text (and regular 100% is just fine for the articles) but the comments feel tiny unless I’ve zoomed in.

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, I just typed a comment for the first time using the new design and there are like five different fonts and font sizes all around my commenting box which is highly confusing to me for some reason. (And I know those parts were differently coloured and sized before, too, but in a way that felt much more unobtrusive and natural to me – now the “Name (Required)” and stuff is much bigger than both my comment and my username which is really throwing me off.)

        2. Antilles*

          Yes, yes, yes.
          The comment size feels super small compared with the articles – and since they’re different size, you can’t just zoom in and fix them both at once without it being weird.

    17. M. from P.*

      I have to admit I liked the old thumbnail and headers better than the new version. I appreciated the clean design and how much text fit onto the screen (since I mostly browse the internet on my phone). The new esthetic is pleasant and crisp but it looks a bit less distinctive – similar to a number of other sites and a bit template-y. (Sorry!)
      If there were an option to click a link for the old display I’d love it. Or to at least change the font to the old one, that would make it more pleasant to read for me.

      2. TherapyCat*

        Yes. The old site looked far more professional in header, spacing, and font. I honestly thought it was a comic sans joke for a few seconds.

        I can’t change website settings at work, my primary reading site. I don’t know why I would change anything for a single site on my phone, my secondary reading position. All the discussion on how to change things within a browser are nice, but ultimately not helpful.

        Either reading place looks to give me a migraine as I squint.

      3. T from M*

        Agreed. I’d like the old design better. I liked the font better and the new graphic doesn’t appeal to me.

        I would appreciate being able to use the old website, but I know that almost never happens.

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. New site isn’t completely awful on desktop, though still a huge step down from the previous, but it’s practically unreadable on a mobile browser.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Agree that the header image is too big and too busy, especially on mobile. I think the midcentury vibe is at odds with your desire to have up-to-date, modern, responsive information and advice. You were one of the first sites I saw that really addressed how we should react to covid in the workplace. Unfortunately the “retro” look, while a cool aesthetic choice, makes me feel like the advice will also be stuck in the past.

          1. Retro gal*

            I 100% agree. I love everything vintage in terms of style and design…but not necessarily for a site that is supposed to provide modern, progressive info.

            Also, the header graphic on mobile appears kind of blurry, which also makes this site feel out of date.

          2. Yvette*

            “I think the midcentury vibe is at odds with your desire to have up-to-date, modern, responsive information and advice.” Thank you!! I could not put my finger on what was bugging me but that is a big part of it.

          3. LongTimeFirstTime*

            This is what I came here to say! A “retro” style implicitly suggests this site and it’s advice will have a retro worldview. The 60’s suggests nostalgia for the 60’s era and that’s so inconsistent with the great advice given here. Of course, the advice can continue to be as modern as ever, but it’s a poor brand fit at best.

      5. DarthVelma*

        I think from a purely marketing POV, the new header is a swing and a miss. The name of the site is so small in relation to the rest of the header image.

      6. Yvette*

        ” …similar to a number of other sites and a bit template-y. (Sorry!)” Very much this. It’s like “Ok, let’s get started! Step one: Pick a graphic”

        I immediately thought of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and all those movies with Doris Day and Rock Hudson where she’s the plucky working gal with gumption he’s the senior executive who just can’t help falling for her and Tony Randall is the best friend. Except that Doris would not have had a laptop on her desk.

        1. L.H. Puttgrass*

          My first thought was, “Mad Men meets Bewitched!” Sort of like in Bewitched, except instead of Darrin it’s Samantha who goes to the office where she has a job as an ad exec.

          Come to think of it, I’d watch the heck out of that show.

    19. The Other Dawn*

      Yikes, the font is difficult to read and hard on my eyes. I like that it’s bigger, but it’s also closer together, which is the issue for me.

      1. jef*

        Agreed. Plus I’m having an issue distinguishing between the letter and the response – it all is blending together, whereas before I thought it was easy to see where the LW stopped and Alison started.

    20. Phony Genius*

      Somehow, the fonts are slightly different from browser to browser. For example, the font appears a little darker on Firefox than it does on Edge.

      1. Phony Genius*

        Also, I no longer see a vertical blue line next to new comments. Has that feature been removed?

    21. Fernie*

      Mark me down as Team Sans Serif. I’m having a terrible time reading the posts. I’m on Chrome on a pretty large external monitor.

      Also, between the headings, the post body copy, the comment headings, dates and buttons, it seems like there are just too many different fonts. Even if you stick with serifs, I think it would be better to use just one in different sizes and weights.

    22. Dwight*

      I don’t like it. I’ve seen the same design for the last 15 years, and I liked it how it was. I’m just kidding, good job.

      1. Generic Name*

        Your comment made me lol. A lot of the reactions boil down to, “it’s new; I don’t like it” which is such a normal human reaction to novelty.

    23. unsure*

      I was desperately hoping she would move away from graphics that made me think of the nanny and amelia bedilia but here we are again. The paper cutout version of herself on the old design made me think of imvu avatars from myspace. This feels really dated and not like ‘this is my personal style I’m having it my way!’. It just feels out of touch. There’s a way to use references to time periods or motifs visually in media but this isn’t it. I get not wanting a giant photo of your face, not wanting to make it all about her or looking too corporate but I don’t know what to offer instead. I like the corporate art on Inc?

      1. Retro gal*

        And those heels…feels kind of regressive in terms of expected style for women in the workplace. It’s a super cute graphic but seems to evoke style over substance?

    25. Stella70*

      I really dislike the new banner. It looks awful on mobile, and I have the biggest phone screen you can buy. Cuts the female figure in half, right down the middle.

    27. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I wonder if it would be possible to have the serif/sans serif fonts on a toggle? Like the “collapse comments site-wide” check box? That would be the most inclusive for people who have differing needs/likes. I actually find the current italic font (for the letter writers) easier to read than the font for your replies and the comments.

      For my part, the larger font size is very helpful on my large computer screen- I usually have to zoom in websites significantly in the browser but today I was able to set AAM back to only 110% (it was close to 200% before) and still be able to read from my chair. It’s very helpful that it automatically sets maximum limits on line length, I’d rather have 4 inches of black on the left side of my screen than try to track a line all the way across my widescreen monitor (most sites have either menus or ads on either side so they have similar line limits, just between other stuff).

      The new design also continues to work perfectly with my “dark viewer” plugin, it didn’t need any adjustments like some other sites have in the past. (I prefer white text/black background to not sear my eyes with so much white, but some sites just don’t display properly with the plugin.)

      On mobile, I have no issues with readability, it follows my browser font and size. It also works with the dark viewer on mobile, which is nice.

    28. AnonInCanada*

      Love it too! The only thing I ask is if there’s any way Alison can implement a dark mode. It would be much easier on the eyes to turn the background black and the text white rather than the other way around.

    29. Camellia*

      I am visually impaired and this update is almost impossible for me to read. The bold text, like user names, is not TOO bad but still not great. The blue text is horrible. And it’s almost like the non-bold font is not black enough? Like maybe a light grey or something? And it’s somehow too bright (I am incredibly sensitive to light also) and am having some stabbing eye pains just trying to type this response. May have to quit visiting your site. :(

    30. Kat Maps*

      I too love the aesthetic of the design!

      However I noticed that there are several issues with text colours not meeting accessibility guideline contrast minimums with their background colours, for example the white “Random Post” text against the yellow background, and the grey colour of the “reply” links in discussion threads.

    31. SoCalKate*

      The header graphic is so fun! I love the retro vibes.

      I’m one of those people who finds the new font harder to read for some reason.

    32. SteveHolt!*

      My honest opinion as someone who works for a creative agency is that this design looks very amateurish and the UX has not changed at all, which is to say that there is a constant problem when scrolling through on mobile of accidentally hitting the reply button and having a text box open up. This has significantly detracted from the UX of this site for a long time and I hoped that it would be addressed in this redesign. I mean this in the most constructive way possible.

      1. kitryan*

        Also in the spirit of feedback and what usability concerns people have, I also have had the same long-term issue with accidentally hitting the reply text and getting an accidental comment box when scrolling on my iPad.
        Specific to the redesign, the type on the post titles (and sidebar buttons) seems really lightweight compared to the body font and I also found the triangle patterned boxes a bit hard to read initially as I think others have commented.

      2. Bee*

        Came here to post this after hoping it would be fixed and seeing it wasn’t. It’s a big miss and I don’t know of anywhere else on the internet where I’ve accidentally clicked a link/button while scrolling on mobile in a long time. I love the site but it makes scrolling the comments a huge headache. If this was fixed it would be a huge quality of life upgrade!

    33. Firm Believer*

      The last version always loaded soooo slow for me and this is even worse. It’s the slowest website of any I go to and I read a lot. I also think there needs to be a way to open or collapse comment threads on things you want to bypass so you don’t have to keep scroll endlessly on really long comment threads. Like Gawker had a long time ago.

      1. Antilles*

        There is a way to collapse individual comment threads if, say, there’s a 100-reply long thread that doesn’t interest you. It’s the little blue arrow saying “collapse X replies” immediately below the first comment of a thread.

      1. Dandelient*

        I like the colours but the font makes the reading terrible for me. It seems very crowded, the serifs are too much (and generally I prefer serif fonts), and it’s not easy to discern the questions from the answers. Some spacing adjustments would probably help but a sans serif font is generally better for accessibility for everyone. Thank you always for the fabulous content :)

    3. Mockingjay*

      I am not a fan. Having trouble reading it – the font is a bit too rounded. The kerning seems to be a touch too close, especially for bold username headings. I do like the sans serif font at the very top and in the buttons on the right.

    1. AGD*

      I think so too (assuming accessibility level stays about the same or better). It’s groovy! Keeps making me want to hum the “Archer” theme song.

  64. Overeducated*

    Decorating advice request! What color should I paint my living room? It’s an open plan living/dining area, so a fairly large space we spend a lot of time in. I love color and maximalism, but I’m…not great at design. We painted it a blue-green last year that was way more saturated than I expected at the “entire room” scale; I was trying to coordinate with our blue couch, but turned out to be just a shade lighter and greener, so it clashes a little and feels like you’re inside an aquarium. It also feels surprisingly dark to me when the curtains are closed or it’s later in the day unless I turn on every single lamp and light.

    So I’m thinking of repainting it lighter, but I’m torn between looking for a lighter and grayer blue (current is Sherwin Williams Drizzle), a soft warm white (currently leaning toward Sherwin Williams White Flour), or a peachy off-white (Valspar Antique White, looks kind of on the orangey side of beige). I feel like beige walls with white trim are very dated and boring, but I’m not sure a sample is big enough to tell if it’ll come off that way or like a warmer peach. White walls would be the easiest to work around with colorful furniture, art, curtains, etc, but I don’t trust myself to pull off “art gallery” or “super modern” so I’m afraid it’ll just look like “generic apartment.” Blue is definitely more interesting but all the lighter colors I’ve tested either read gray or “coastal” pastel, neither of which I’m a fan of. Any recommendations?

    1. LuckySophia*

      Maybe take a look at Sherwin Williams “Sky High” ? On their web site it looks like the closest thing they have to a neutral-ish pale blue. Of course. paint-on-walls will look very different. I think your “Drizzle” is dark enough that you might want to paint over it first with white primer, so the Drizzle doesn’t distort the appearance of whatever new color you choose.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. Looks like I should check out samples of Sky High and maybe Topsail (couch is a slightly turquoise blue). You’re right, I will absolutely need primer, have learned that already!

    2. HahaLala*

      Can you buy small sample jars of each color and paint big swatches on a few different walls? That’ll be a better way to judge colors in your actual space and save you from needing to repaint a 3rd time…

      That said, go paler/less saturated than you think you want. If your trim is white, even slightly off white will contrast the trim and give the room interest with that much painted wall space.

      1. Overeducated*

        I did buy samples and paint on the walls this time! I just don’t trust my own taste now. I think if I go with the whiter color I may paint the trim to match since I prefer that look, but the darker color will need contrasting trim for sure.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came here to say this. Please paint test areas so you can see how they look in different lights. Makes it much easier to decide before you put in all the effort to paint the entire room. Also, have you considered painting one wall with a color and the rest white?

        1. Unum Hoc Scio*

          Seconding (thirding ?) this. Stick paint sample blocks/swatches on the wall with painters tape. Don’t be afraid to grab and post up as much as twenty or more in the colours you are considering.

          The wall you use should be the one that gets the least amount of sunlight to account for winter months and rainy, overcast days. In certain lights, a lot of colours will go dull or grey, rather depressing.

          Leave them up for a week or so and, every time you wander through the rooms, take a sample off the wall until you are left with two or three finalists. Remember that the samples are available in the stores for a reason and you will have to live with your choice for a long time or spend a lot more to repaint.

          We, unfortunately, did not do this with our living room but went with the painter’s recommendation of a ‘creamy ecru’ which turned out to be a dull beige, making the living room a darkened cave that we avoid in the winter.

    3. Llellayena*

      Something in the peach range will help a blue couch pop better than another blue would. Get some swatches/mini paint cans and test in the room though, peach can be hard to get right.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      We went from a beautiful Nantucket blue in our rather dark townhouse living room to a very bland Buttercream Frosting and never looked back. I need light!

    5. No smart name ideas*

      I second the painting large swatches on your walls and looking at them throughout the day—the sun and, if you’re in a metropolitan city (like nyc) the color of buildings outside your apartment off of which the sun will reflect, will change the look of the paint color. I also second the idea of choosing colors that will make the blue furniture pop rather than blend or go with—and that’s for the exact reason you mentioned—hard to make a paint on a vertical surface reflect the same way as a fabric in a horizontal surface as their orientation, texture, and density will reflect the light differently.

      I recently used the following BMoore colors and we have a lot of blue/navy:
      – Sugar cookie for living room/dining room and hallway with cloud white for all trim—reads as a warm off-white
      – Cream (despite its name it reads as a light yellow) with cloud white trim
      – Navajo white for bedroom and baths (most decorators used to use this in model homes as it’s a stone-y white and often similar to a standard matting color on prints) with a statement wall in MT. RAINIER GRAY—despite its name it reads as blue (think the background color of Monet’s garden prints—not the closeups of the waterlilies).

    6. Observer*

      Another option is to paint ONE wall a different color – and if you choose the wall behind the couch the different shade of the rest of it won’t be such an issue.

      1. Bluebell*

        Yes, I was going to suggest an accent wall. My living room has 3 walls of Gray Cashmere and one wall of Claret. I love the effect. We have a blue couch on the GC wall, and white chairs against Claret. It combines really well.

  65. Mztery1*

    So I am older with several “comorbidities“ as they are called that put me at high risk for complications if I do get Covid. So y DH and I are pretty much on a personal lockdown – we frequent some smaller stores in our neighborhood, take lots of outdoor walks and thankfully live near Golden Gate Park that we can walk to anytime. But we’re getting really bored of the same walks, the same limited activities And I’m wondering if anyone here is in a similar spot who found fun things to do outside of your usual activities. We Mask everywhere but are still not willing to go to places like museums.

    We don’t do any indoor events, rarely eat outdoors, so we’re looking for ideas are involved in activities we might not have thought of. Thanks for any ideas!

    1. Out and about*

      Biking around neighborhoods or longer road biking or mountain biking (you can rent at first, and then buy second hand if you get into it), outdoor Shakespeare festival, kayaking (we rent – asking about weather conditions first), walking tours around neighborhoods or nature tours at state parks, outdoor music events (smaller, local events if you don’t want to be in crowds outdoors), volunteering at outdoor locations – local community gardens or state parks, beach clean ups, or our local food bank has an outdoor distribution center where all volunteers are outside and well-spaced, seeing friends at parks or gardens, mini golf is outside and you can go at non-peak times, painting classes that are outdoors, online classes, lectures, concerts and plays etc

      1. Mztery1*

        These are some great ideas except for the bikes. We haven’t ridden in many many years and would never try biking around town here. But great suggestions- I like the volunteering idea!

    2. Double A*

      You could go to Ocean Beach or to Marin. Golden Gate Park has a lot of events that are outdoors. You can even just go and watch people roller dance! Go watch people play sports in the park. Go paddle boating. I mean, if you’re going to remain on lockdown indefinitely you’re probably in one of the best possible locations because that park is incredible with a ton of activities. If you’re masking outdoors then you’re as safe as you can possibly be, other than the risk of being hit by a car as you walk around.

      1. Mztery1*

        Yeah we’re pretty familiar with stuff in the park I was just wondering for any other ideas.

    3. Oysters and Gender Freedoms*

      I’ve never tried geocaching, but that might be worth looking into.

      I recently moved to an area with different birds and downloaded a great bird identification app — Merlin. It let’s you identify birds by sound, which gives you the motivation to look for them. There’s probably more going on in GG Park than you expect and they change throughout the seasons.

    4. Native*

      Walk along the Marina, walk along the Presidio beach to Ft. Point, walk the new paths over the tunnels. If you hike, Mt. Tam has lots of trails. Walk the Embarcadero for however long you want, lots of people but lots of air. There’s a trail in Marin that starts at the NW end of Sausalito, and skirts the marsh and on into Mill Valley. An out and back might be fun.

    5. PollyQ*

      Do you have a car, so that you can get to other parts of the Bay Area? If yes, the gardens at Filoli, a fancy estate in Woodside, are open, although you do need tickets, in advance, I believe. The Berkeley Rose Garden is also lovely, and free.

    6. BubbleTea*

      I recently got a book called the Rebel Badge Book which is basically like girl guides but for adults (of any gender). You can pick badges and do the activities, and if you want to you can order the badges but I just use the stickers that come with it if you order from the website instead of Amazon. It’s prompted me to try out new things including indoor gardening and setting up a business!

    7. Hannahnannah*

      Not sure if you’ll spot this, since it’s a few days later… BUT…

      Do you have a mobile phone with a camera or another digital camera option? I have found a lot of joy in the same walking paths by taking photos of the flowers and insect life that occurs on the paths. Even in a more populated area, there are still bits of nature and they’re always changing. It can be fun watching for annual visitors that migrate through your region, or spotting your favorite bloom. And, when I see something unusual, I look it up and learn more about the ecosystem in my region.

    9. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Are you at all artistically inclined? Making impromptu artworks out of found natural materials (Andy Goldworthy-style) is a great way to change things up on an ordinary walk. And a sketchbook and some pencils is a pretty low-budget investment– you’re living in one of the most beautiful parts of the world both in terms of nature and architecture, so try drawing some of it! If your inclinations are more musical than visual, a great activity is just turning on the recorder on your phone and making up little songs to go with the noises you hear around you (admittedly, I’ve never tried this with another person, but as long as both people are enjoying it, it should still work).

    10. Silence*

      If you have smartphones something like Pokemon go or ingress can give you a new way of interacting with your environment
      Open air painting or sketching can be fun or photography if you prefer. Either your own interests or search for art prompts to get inspired
      Any portable hand craft such as knitting or crocheting can be done on a park bench

  66. My heart is a fish*

    Hmm. Alison, the “collapse/expand comments” function in the sidebar seems to have vanished. I find that handy to re-close things after I’ve posted a comment. Was that a deliberate elimination as part of the redesign or is my browser doing something odd?

  68. Yvette*

    Not a big fan, it takes up too much space on my phone. But I also hate change and I really liked the old one.

    1. It's Bamboo O'Clock, Tick-Tock*

      I’m with you. Old design looked crisp and professional. This is such a mishmash of styles.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mixed reaction here. The larger font size is easier to read but I miss the old red-haired icon.
      However, change is part of life!and the owner of a web site is entitled to switch up the visuals if she wants to. IMHO this isn’t anything drastic. Peace and comfort to all.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        P.S. I missed the new, ginormous “Collapse/Expand all threaded comments” button because I was looking for it in its previous location. No worries: you can’t please all of the people all of the time!

        Some of my grumblings exist only because I haven’t yet learned all the new changes. But while it may be inconvenient to learn new things, it’s good to keep my gray cells nimble. So a a salute to Alison and a wry smile to myself.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          >The phrase “change is part of life” pops out

          That phrase in my comment pops out because I deliberately inserted the html commands to turn on and turn off the boldface feature. The commands consist of a letter, placed inside “triangle brackets” (these things: ); plus the forward slash for the “stop” command. Insert the “on” and “off” commands before and after whatever you want to change.

          – Start boldface or italics:
          – Stop boldface or italics:

          In the examples above, I used the letter X.
          In real life, use letter b for boldface and i for italics.
          Don’t forget to add the spaces between words! I forgot that in my first reply here. :-)

          Apologies in advance if I screw up the html commands…. :-|

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            GAH! Either bad proofreading, or else html commands don’t appear if you use “X” as an example!
            Trying again. This time I added an extra space after the opening < bracket so hopefully the examples will show. Don't include that extra space in real life.
            – Start boldface:
            – Stop boldface:
            – Start italics:
            – Stop italics:

            1. Jean (just Jean)*

              One more time…
              to start a command, type “<", then letter b or i, then “>”
              to stop a command, type “<", then letter b or i, then “/>”. Note that without the slash your italics or boldface will just keep going for the rest of your comment.

  69. Marni*

    My friends and I have started doing Archery at a local range — it’s outdoors and no-contact, and really fun. You can started with reasonable quality equipment for about $250. (Samick Sage or similar 25-lb bow for $150, arm guard and 3-finger glove about $15 each, quiver under $20, arrows range from $30-100/dozen. I wanted real feather fletching so paid about $70/dozen.) I recommend taking a lesson if you can so you can try some options and get some advice before buying.

  70. nnn*

    Also, as a site redesign is in progress, I was wondering if you might consider something other than italics for blockquote (i.e. the body of the letters).

    Reading full paragraphs of italics can be difficult for people with some vision issues, especially in a serif font. The readability of the Friday Good News posts has significantly improved since they stopped being in italics, and it would be great to carry that improvement over to the rest of the letters.

    Options I’ve seen elsewhere include indentation, a line or something along the side (much like unread comments on this site), a different colour font or a textbox of a different colour (although with colour changes, you do have to be careful about maintaining readability for all.)

    1. allathian*

      Yes, I find serif italics the hardest to read. The only thing worse would be white on black…

      1. The Smile on a Dog*

        I agree with these comments. On the re-design, it seems to me the difference between the italics and standard font is not a distinct as it was before. It’s not as clear where the question ends and the answer begins.

        Thank you.

        1. misspiggy*

          I feel exactly the same! Middle age is making me notice how many text design choices seem to be made by people with young eyes.

    2. No lizards allowed*

      I agree 100 percent– I find the large chunks of italics to be very hard to read.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      +1 for italics being hard to read. I found it very difficult to read this morning’s letters. I only started reading the Friday Good News after it stopped being in italics.

      I don’t get the green/yellow/blue colors for the different functions on the right-hand side of the page (such as “my favorite posts” “collapse-expand all threaded comments”). IMO, the triangles in the background are distracting. I think the buttons are way too big and take up too much real estate. Also white font on yellow background is not easy to read.

      Thinking about this more, some of the big buttons are links to new pages. The “collapse-expand all threaded comments” should look significantly different because it’s not the same function; it doesn’t open up a new page. It should also be higher up in the scrolling sidebar, otherwise you have to scroll down the majority of the page before you can get to the button that lets you skip most of the scrolling! I liked that it was sticky at the top of the comment section before. If you didn’t read the comments, it wasn’t obtrusive, but when you did read the comments, it was always right there.

    4. Engineer with Breast Cancer*

      I really don’t like the italics font either. Agree on indentation or a line would be the easiest.

  71. the wall of creativity*

    When there are so many people saying this font is hard to read, you need to believe them, however many people are putting positive comments.

  73. TheSüperflüoüsUmlaüt*

    Love the new look, Alison – cute artwork, very clear and easy-to-read fonts and layout, big tick! <3

  74. Baron*

    Liking the redesign, Alison! I especially like that you seem to have jettisoned the “…and if you don’t, I’ll tell you anyway” tag – that’s always struck a discordant note with me, because your style is (almost always) kinder than that seems to imply.

  75. An American(ish) Werewolf in London(ish)*

    (Almost) totally out of the blue, but yesterday I read Hench in pretty much one sitting and enjoyed immensely – thanks for the recommendation!

    1. Xanna*

      I actually like the font ~style, though I can agree that it’s kind of hard to read big blocks of it on mobile, but I almost feel like the line spacing is too big? Like it’s double spaced???? Which also doesn’t help for legibility from a small device IMO

      I also agree with another commenter that I really like the concept of the retro top banner, but something about the patterned panel looks somewhat dated to me, and the whole thing is a bit fuzzy? Would love to see the same idea just maybe executed a bit more simply/pared down?

      Love the site so much and think lots of this is just adjusting to the new look after the old one for so long – just two dubious Canadian cents from someone with no graphic design experience but lots of thoughts in typography!

  77. Sarah*

    Can you restore some kind of header with text on mobile? I send this site to mobile friends all the time and the quick links at the top were very useful! (Not all of them are computer savvy or curious enough to poke through a menu.)

  80. Hit my head Glass Ceiling*

    I read this site on my phone and the new header graphics are being cut off. The font is also very large compared to other websites but is wrapping okay.

  81. Beth*

    Yikes — the bright, saturated yellow squares for “Random Post” and “How to Comment” are rather painful to see, at least to me, and the green and blue squares with the lighter-coloured triangles are extremely hard to read: the white letters get lost against the busy triangled background.

    I will also mention that my personal aesthetic does not value the retro look, but that’s pure opinion. I’m still in mourning over the redesign of Ravelry (which I have had to abandon), and the new design here is readable and doesn’t hurt my eyes (except for the busy bright side boxes).

  82. Pyjamas*

    Kudos for the way you’re handling negative feedback. A couple of years ago, a popular fiber website handled it very differently and regardless of the validity of the complaints, a lot of ppl felt disregarded and brushed off. Your approach is a textbook example of how to do it right!

  83. Jessica*

    The new look isn’t very modern. I think the new design should reflect the fact that managers can look like anyone. Also, I do like Alison’s advice but she actually hasn’t managed for well over 10 years at this point. I think the site should start moving away from just her advice and utilizing managers in different industries.

  84. Web Dev*

    Whew, I tried to run Firefox’s and Chrome’s accessibility checks to see if the site passed contrast checks since there were a couple of comments about the light-colored fonts, and both got seriously hung up. I don’t know what’s up with this site but Chrome actually timed out and quit.

    So, I ran the homepage through WebAIM’s WAVE Web Accessibility Evaluation Tool and there are 185 contrast errors, plus a number of other errors and warnings.

    1. Web Dev*

      Making a website accessible can be a challenge, but luckily contrast errors are the easiest to fix!

    2. Morton*

      Ouch! I knew it was bad, but that is BAD. And furthers my fear that accessibility was not considered when this site redesign was planned, let alone tested for as it ought to be. How disappointing, if sadly unsurprising.

    3. Coenobita*

      Thanks for running the checks! I was coming here to see if anyone had done that yet.

      Alison: for what it’s worth, I have no medical, sensory, or other challenges that affect my ability to access print content, and I also find the mix of fonts and colors on the main page kind of difficult to read. I feel like it’s giving me eyestrain even after just a few minutes. I think the little triangles on the Collapse/Expand, Ask a Question, How to Comment, etc. boxes also interfere with the text.

      I think the retro theme is a cute idea, though! The Ask A Manager sign in the header graphic makes me think of I Dream of Jeannie.

  85. ogbert*

    Hi, this is my first comment on the site but the font is really bothering me a lot. I also think it is too large? I have set my magnification thing to 90% to be able to read properly. I read Ask a Manager every day and recommend it to everyone and I really don’t want to recommend with a caveat (“it’s a VERY useful site – please ignore the design/font!”). I think you should go back to the sans serif font.

    The header is cute! I think it might work better if the graphic is above the navigation menu (on web) as I feel that is a more common design choice and what people (me?) are typically used to.

    Thank you for inviting feedback :)

  86. Engineer with Breast Cancer*

    I feel like the banner image and the favicon is really dated. I don’t know of anyone who wears bright red lipstick, pencil skirts, dress jacket, and stiletto heels to work. It really smacks of amateurism, and I’m not sure that’s the image you want to portray on a blog about work advice.

  87. automaticdoor*

    I have chronic migraine and I can barely stand to read this font, particularly the comments — which is disappointing because I do love reading this site’s comments. I’m so sorry to pile on, but just wanted to let you know!

    1. Nopetopus*

      Same, sadly! Fonts are weirdly a big trigger for me, and I won’t be able to read the site as often for as long as this is the default. Looking into some accessibility apps that might allow me to change the font for myself, but I’m not really sure how that works… Hopefully some edits are made soon!

  88. DrSalty*

    Re: design — I dislike that the headlines and the articles are two different fonts. Love the new logo.

  89. Gearldine Bundren*

    My buddy told me to buy the Puffco Peak, do you think that is a good choice for a first time user?

  90. Connie Korsen*

    We have flipped multple squatter occupied houses in Colorado Springs and the new squatter laws allow them to be tossed on the street in 48 hours

  91. Not Your Admin Ass(t)*

    I don’t have any visual processing issues, but the “new” font was so fuzzy-looking on my monitor that it was giving me a headache. I was mostly just skipping over even reading comments because they were causing serious eyestrain. I’m really glad we’re (back?) on this sharper-looking font now.

Comments are closed.