weekend open thread – October 29-30, 2022

by Alison Green on October 28, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Everything I Know About Love, by Dolly Alderton. That friend everyone has in their 20s who’s always slightly tipsy and a complete mess with men, but enormous fun? That is this book.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Movies!*

    Movie post! What have you watched recently?

    I type this while watching Angel Heart, at my sister’s insistence (“I haven’t seen it since 1987, but I loved it. I mostly remember a lot of overhead fans”). It’s…not great, but 1980s Mickey Rourke was very attractive.

    1. Lizzo*

      The Back to the Future trilogy was on TV the other day!!!!! Still holds up as one of the best trilogies of all time, IMHO.

    2. time for cocoa*

      I am working my way through terrible natural disaster movies on Roku. Just finished Space Twister, it was delightful trash. Also highly recommend Fire Twister, which was similarly ridiculous crap.

    3. Appletini*

      _Legend_, the one starring Tom Hardy as the Kray Brothers. It was surprisingly decent, Tom Hardy was pretty dang good playing against himself, and I and my SO couldn’t help saying “Dinsdale?” every so often.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        That’s one of the most beautiful movies ever made. There were so many great historical and literary films made in the 1960.

    5. Mitchell Hundred*

      I recently watched “Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched”, a documentary about the history of folk horror. I’m not a huge horror fan, but I love folklore and social history, so this was like catnip to me.

      Although if anyone else decides to watch it, be aware that it’s a little over three hours long. I didn’t mind, I’m just saying it’s a commitment.

        1. Mitchell Hundred*

          In my case it was on Kanopy (a streaming service that I get access to through my library), but if you don’t have that it looks like you can see it on Shudder or AMC+, or rent it on Youtube Movies.

          1. VegetarianRaccoon*

            I’ll have to see if my library has Kanopy, thanks! I really haven’t fully explored their services yet.

    6. Bluebell*

      In the category of total fluff, I watched Love in the Villa on Netflix. Nice to hear Tom Hopper with his English accent and without his padded costume from Umbrella Academy. Some pretty scenery too. But not the best Netflix has to offer for romcoms. (Always be my Maybe & Set it Up are great)

    8. The Prettiest Curse*

      I watch two films a weekend. Last weekend it was Host, a horror film set entirely on Zoom that may put you off video meetings for life and The Quiet Girl, a beautiful Irish-language film about a girl who’s sent to live with relatives for the summer.

      1. KatEnigma*

        I was intrigued by that one. I’ll probably watch it one day this week while the kiddo is in school.

    9. Bookgarden*

      Scary movies here with my partner, a mix of ones I’ve seen before and new ones for me. So far it’s been The Wicker Man (original), In the Mouth of Madness, and 1408. Tomorrow I plan on watching The Ring and hopefully Coherence or The Lighthouse.

      After Halloween I plan on watching Point Break and I promised my partner a Top Gun marathon as thanks for all of the scary movies since I’ve never seen the original before.

      1. fposte*

        The original Wicker Man soundtrack has turned up on my in-car rotation recently (everything I ever owned is on there somewhere). I was pleased to find it’s still a great soundtrack. It also drove me to look more into the making and discover that there had been more subsequent related media than I had realized–a sequel, a “spiritual successor,” and a few more things.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Speaking of scary movies, my mother and I used to love Alfred Hitchcock movies. Which I guess could be classified suspenseful rather than scary. She decided she wanted to go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now you think that title would be enough to tell you if you don’t like gore, this isn’t for you. She insisted it wouldn’t be “that bad.” Well, to the surprise of no one it was. We had to leave. We swore off scary movies that day.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Yeah… I CAN watch Hitchcock. But the only “scary” movies I’ve ever watched was as a teen and due to peer pressure. LOL

        2. The OG Sleepless*

          Ugh, I have a fairly unpleasant memory of watching TCM with a friend’s “other” friend group in high school. I was already feeling uncomfortable hanging out with this somewhat unsavory bunch, and then they popped this into the VCR and I was stuck. If I’d had my own car I’d have been out of there.

    10. StellaBella*

      In the past 8 weeks I have had to fly a lot (not fo fun, for that other place).
      I watched The Breakfast Club several times, Black Panther twice, the LOTR trilogy, Bullet Train, Notting Hill, Captain Phillips, and all the Thor movies. Made the long flights fun.
      I loved Angel Heart – but I also really like stories like this where people try to get one over on the perceived higher powers (angels, including that fallen one, etc.) and I love NOLA particularly.

      1. KatEnigma*

        My husband and I were browsing our many streaming options last night, and nothing was interesting to us both. He finally said “Just put on Beetlejuice and we’ll both be happy.” LOL

    12. sagewhiz*

      Oooh, utterly LOL hilarious French film titled Flashback, on prime. Story of a woman lawyer who believes in nothing but herself and winning at any cost, until she finally wakes up—as in literally. Slips in devices from both Scrooged and Groundhog Day for extra fun. So good I watched it twice.

      Careful though, as there’s another by that title, very dark, dystopian, depressing (altho that may be some’s cup of tea). Look for the *poster* with a blonde woman in a blue 1800s style gown.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I watched a couple of old Charles Bronson movies — *The Mechanic* and *Mr. Majestyk*. I enjoyed them — I’d never seen any of his films before and was pleasantly surprised that *Mr. Majestyk* was squarely on the side of the migrant laborers portrayed in it.

    14. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I have been watching loads lately- the biggest treat was seeing an old movie filmed in my hometown and spotting a beloved former teacher of mine in a scene!

      Very much recommend Tomka and His Friends, an Albanian film which is a little Spirit of the Beehive, and is on YouTube; Decision to Leave – swooning, yearning, subtle noir; and Fast and Feel Love, a hilarious Thai film which riffs off action movies to talk about emotional labour and house work.

    15. Smol Book Wizard*

      Dad showed us The Lion in Winter this week while we were at home for old-house cleaning. The dialogue was absolutely masterful and the lady lead actor had amazing emotional range. Also I really want to know who managed the dogs wandering the set – there was a moment with a despairing king monologuing on a staircase where this lovely little yellow greyhound was standing in the background and just staring and then did a little ear twitch at the ideal conversational moment.

      2. fposte*

        The Lion in Winter was my favorite movie for a very long time. Reportedly it was also Aaron Sorkin’s; it makes sense if you think about Sorkin’s work.

        I also love the music to that. John Barry was fantastic.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        Katharine Hepburn won the Academy Award for Best Actress for Lion in Winter, in a tie with Barbra Streisand for Funny Girl. I haven’t watched that movie since around high school-ish time, so I appreciate the reminder to check it out again. Not only am I a huge fan of Hepburn, but the film features the incredible Peter O’Toole. It doesn’t get any better than that.

    16. PhyllisB*

      Don’t watch TV much (I should watch the movie channel but I forget to. Get too caught up im whatever book I’m reading) but I do love to go to the movies occasionally. The last two I saw were The Elvis Movie. If you are an Elvis fan you really need to check it out. The young man who played Elvis is extremely talented. I was impressed when I realized he did all the singing. The other one was Death on the Nile. I’m a huge Agatha Christie fan and loved all the costumes.

      1. Bluebell*

        Your comment really reminds me that I really want there to be a Sister Rosetta Tharp movie! The woman musician character in the recent Death on the Nile remake was based on Sister Rosetta. (And Yola plays her in the movie) There are so many talented actress/musicians out there who could do a great job in this role, and it’s a story that would be an awesome movie.

          1. sagewhiz*

            There IS a Sister Rosetta Tharpe movie! A documentary on YouTube. Haven’t watched it yet but my bff raved about it recently, says it’s an absolute must-see.

            1. Bluebell*

              Yes- I saw the documentary and read a biography. But I think it would make an awesome biopic. Queen Latifah could pull it off, or maybe Cynthia Erivo.

        2. Tybalt's Cat*

          I loved the Elvis movie and it’s inspired me to go through and watch all of his movies. Viva Las Vegas has been my favorite by far. King Creole is pretty good too (and was Elvis’s favorite).

          I really want to see Baz Luhrmann do a Little Richard movie now. The actor who played him was phenomenal!

    18. the cat's ass*

      “Everything Everywhere All At Once”with the matchless Michelle Yeoh. Jamie Lee Curtis is amazing in it too.

      2. Love for EEAAO*

        EEAAO is amazing, one of the best films I’ve seen in a long time, so inventive and hopeful.

      4. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yes, this was a really fun film, it was great to see Michelle Yeoh getting a lead role where she could really kick sone arse.

      5. The OG Sleepless*

        I saw it in the theater with my college age daughter, at her request. I don’t think I’d have ever watched it otherwise. We loved it.

    20. Russian in Texas*

      The List City which was ridiculous but a lot more fun than expected.
      The Good Nurse on Netflix that was kind of boring, despite all the talent.

    21. Lilo*

      I watched The School for Good and Evil because of the cast and, boy, is that movie all over the place. I tried to enjoy it as campy fun but it really goes off the rails about 75% of the way through and the end is just kind of incoherent.

    22. tessa*

      “Burnt Offerings” and “The Changeling.” Will be watching the original “It” later today. Tim Curry is masterful.

      1. Citra*

        The original, George C. Scott “Changeling?” One of the scariest spooky-horror movies ever made, great for Halloween! I’ve seen it a number of times and it still scares me.

      2. Random Biter*

        George C. Scott’s “The Changeling” is quite possibly my favorite scary movie of all time. All the chills with a bare fraction of gore.

    23. Clisby*

      For a Chinese Studies class I’m auditing, I just rewatched The Last Emperor (1987). I loved it the 2nd time around, too.

    24. TheraputicSarcasm*

      I finally got around to watching District 9, and it was even better than I thought it would be. The documentary style is perfect, it’s entertaining, it’s touching, and it’s even more timely after 13 years.

      1. Love for EEAAO*

        District 9 is so good and it makes me a bit sad that Blomkamp’s subsequent work was a bit hit-or-miss. (Elysium was forgettable, and I liked Chappie, though it doesn’t get the highest reviews.)

        1. Russian in Texas*

          Elysium made me literally sick to my stomach. I’ve been avoiding any movie with “shaky camera” feature since then, I wish they had a warning!

          1. allathian*

            Oon, I haven’t seen that one, but the Bourne movies had the same effect on me. I don’t really want to watch them on anything larger than a 32 in screen…

        2. TheraputicSarcasm*

          I avoided Elysium because I have allergic reactions to Matt Damon. Don’t ask me why.

      2. I take tea*

        We just watched this as well. Too much shooting for my taste (I do horror much better than violence), but interesting.

    25. Clisby*

      Also, last night, I rewatched Carny, with Robbie Robertson, Gary Busey, and Jodie Foster. This is a weird and wonderful movie.

    26. Margali*

      Streaming TV, not a movie, but my husband and son and I are completely entranced with Mythic Quest — comedy that takes place at a gaming company. (Yes, my son occasionally has to explain some of the jokes to us.) Season 1 Episode 10 takes place and was filmed during the quarantine time of this epidemic, and it was so funny and so sweet that I am still thinking about it days after watching it. We just finished Season 1, are about to start Season 2, and then Season 3 drops this November.

    27. Fellow Traveller*

      I just saw a movie in a theatre for the first time in a while. Went to see Tar, the new Cate Blanchett movie, and I thought it was very good. Not at all what I expected from watching the trailer. I work in the performing arts so it was kind of neat to see my world up on the big screen.
      I have the WWI movie Testament of Youth borrowed from the library to watch this weekend.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I saw Tar this weekend, too, and agree that it is very good. I was in my school’s orchestra when I was growing up but haven’t kept playing as an adult so I understood maybe 1/3 of the namedropping of various symphonies, conductors, and players. Very cool to get a peek behind the curtain of the professional performing arts world!

    28. RT*

      The Banshees of Inisherin. About a guy who’s friend-dumped by his drinking buddy and tries to repair the relationship. Started off funny and kind of sweet, then got more and more insane as the movie went on. Still funny though.

      Would recommend.

    29. The OG Sleepless*

      We somehow ended up watching The Running Man the other night. To my surprise, my young adult son had never seen it. We had to explain a couple of cultural references, like the casting of Richard Dawson as the host. He likes horror short stories, so I urged him to read the Stephen King/Richard Bachman novella.

    30. marvin the paranoid android*

      I really liked The Last of Sheila! It’s a murder mystery from the 70s written by Stephen Sondheim and Anthony Perkins, and it’s a lot of fun. Even the title of the movie is a clue :)

    31. Don'tbeadork*

      Saturday Fathom Events showed two classic horror movies in theaters, so DH and I went to watch The Creature from the Black Lagoon and Phantom of the Opera (Claude Rains as the Phantom, Nelson Eddy as some baritone, Edgar Barry as Daubert).

      For scientists, the crew of Creature were pretty illogical pretty much every step of the way. I was rooting hard for the gill-man by the end.

    32. Random Biter*

      Scary movie marathon! Some good, some crappy, but all alot of fun with pj’s, popcorn, and puppy. Christine, Count Yorga, Vampire (cringingly bad from the 70’s but I had to keep watching and I love Svengoolie’s dive into the cast of his movies), Thirteen Ghosts (got awful reviews but I like it), Poltergeist, Halloween Kills (not a fan of slasher movies but you get what you get), various Freddy and Jason movies (refer to slasher comment), and various and sundry paranormal and ghost programming (most of it laughable, but still entertaining). Happy Halloween!

  2. Liminality*

    I have a burgandy pleather/vinyl chair that got a pretty deep scratch on the chair arm. It’s about two inches long and at two points along the scratch it seems to go all the way through. (The two points are 16th of an inch at most. )
    Any ideas on how to repair the scratch? Ideally in a color-match, but at least to prevent the scratch from becoming a further issue? I’d prefer to aoid gluing a patch over the scratch unless it’s as a very last resort.
    Thanks! :)

    1. Daily reader, rare commenter*

      I actually like the idea of a patch. You could choose a funky looking patch that aligns with your interst. Like a favourite band maybe? If the lack of balance bothers you, you could also put a patch in the same spot on the other arm.

    2. Emma2*

      So, a Google search suggests you can purchase leather/pleather crack filler solutions that also come with coloured dyes so you can match the colour of the original item. I would probably purchase something like that. Before trying it on the chair arm, I would turn my chair over, and do a test on the bottom to make sure I was happy with how it looks (assuming some of the pleather wraps around onto the bottom – if not, I would at least find a discrete place, eg on the lower back part of the chair to test my colour match).
      One issue with repairs is that it is very, very difficult to do an invisible chair on most things. You will ultimately need to decide what you can live with. Some people prefer to do something like a patch because if their repair is not going to be invisible, they would prefer it look intentional. The thing is, if you use something like a filler, and later decide you would prefer a patch, there is no reason you can’t put a patch over it (that is less true in the other direction – it would be very hard to “reverse” a patch and switch to a filler).

      1. Solidarity*

        Yes, I have bought something like vinyl/leather repair stuff – it’s kind of plasticy and comes in a tube, I think? You can pick colors. It may not be a perfect match. I would be able to live with it, others might not.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      There was some product hawked on television in the 1970s-80s-90s that was a liquid you could dab on to fix exactly this sort of problem. It came with various dyes that you could combine to get a close match. I googled trying to find it and found an article on bestcommercialtools dot com reviewing various other vinyl repair kits. Some of the brands they reviewed were 3M, Seisso, Magicfly, Coconix.

    4. RagingADHD*

      The filler stuff takes a good bit of expertise to get a good result, more that one is likely to get repairing one scratch. I’m pretty artsy-craftsy, and I’ve never gotten a really pleasing result.

      I agree with Emma that you might try the filler and then cover it with a patch if you don’t like how it turns out.

      Google “invisible mending” and “visible mending.” There are groups that share photos and tips on all different materials and techniques.

  3. Sunflower*

    Where does one find resources and information for how to decide when/if to buy a house? How do I decide when is a good time to buy a house if I don’t intend to live in it right away?

    I am planning to move back to Philadelphia (currently living in NYC) in the next few years but I’d love to buy a home sometime soon so I can start building equity. I would like to buy a 1-2 bedroom in Center City for between 200-350k. Right now I have 50k to put down but I’ll have closer to 100k if I wait another year. I am really concerned about the interest rates now but also, have no idea how to read if the market is good or not. I also know nothing about how to rent out a home when I’m not local (property management company)? I am pretty confident at analyzing information and making a decision/crunching numbers but I previously never intended to be a homeowner so I don’t even know where to start looking for this info to analyze. Any ideas?

    (FWIW My job is about 80% remote so I feel confident about staying in it when I do move back as it’s quite easy to commute a few times a year and on the fly.)

    1. Liminality*

      First step is to speak to the lenders you’d be possibly getting a mortgage through. Find out how much ‘house’ you can afford. (Don’t fall for the bank’s offered loan limit, they’ll usually offer much more of a loan than can be comfortably managed.) Once you have an idea of feasible monthly loan payments, get a clear idea of the other requirements, utilities, insurance, etc…
      Then, get a good realtor, be VERY clear in your budget and needs and be open to considering places that meet most of the Must Haves.
      Of course, the realtor might end up giving you a reality check of availability in your price range, but they can also give you tips on improving your odds of putting in successful offers.

    2. Cedrus Libani*

      Honestly, I don’t think I would do it. And I’m saying that as someone who bought my first house this year and doesn’t regret it.

      First, being a landlord is a pain, especially if you don’t live near the property. I’ve got several friends in this situation, for various reasons, and when we get together there’s a good chance they will have to step away to deal with something. It’s basically a part-time job, even if you have a property management company to help.

      Second, this is a weird time to buy a house. People can’t afford to buy at early-2022 prices once you factor in the interest rate, but owners don’t care about the interest rate, they want “what the house is worth” (or was worth earlier this year).

      I bought in April, near the peak of the market. I suspected that interest rates would not be back in the 4%’s for many years, and in the meantime I needed somewhere to live. Doesn’t entirely matter what the market value of the house is; I can afford the payments, and I’m not moving. But if I was still looking? At this point, I’d just wait for things to shake out.

      2. KatEnigma*

        Agreed. We bought exactly a year ago, halfway through the school year (Preschool, so no real reason to give me the side eye) BECAUSE we saw which way the wind was blowing. Our interest rate is 2.75%. It went over 7%!!! this week. Luckily, we’re not under water, and the market seems to indicate, here, that we even have some equity, but… The interest rate was unusually low for 20 years- let the housing prices adjust BEFORE you buy.

        And I know people with investment properties, and we rented a lot. No. Just no. People are pigs when they don’t own the house, and it’s really a headache if you aren’t there to monitor the situation. And getting them out if things go bad is soooo hard.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with all of this, especially the rental part. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was renting out our old house when we bought a new house about 45 minutes away. It was the most stressful six years of our lives.

    3. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Don’t worry about living in it right away. It took us nearly a year to find the right house for us each time. You could also do a short term rental agreement with the sellers if they don’t have a place to go right away.

      There are mortgage estimators online that can help you get an idea of how large a payment you can handle. Zillow’s “Affirdability Calculator” is one. In the end, we decided to keep our monthly payment as close as possible to the payment we already had.

    4. JSPA*

      In my painful experience, a house you’re not living in needs more, not less maintenance, and it needs it at the least opportune times, when it is hardest to find someone to deal with the problems (weather happens to everyone in a city, at the same time).

      And the unexpected one-offs are worse. Sure, you could small-claims it, but…you still have the headache.

      The housesitter not noticing a pest problem in the built-ins of an unused room, to the point where the urine and feces had soaked into and warped the built-ins and the floor…that was a particularly expensive one. But the caretaker who left for a convention in Georgia and let the pipes freeze was pretty bad, too. Carbon monoxide detectors that have been unplugged, always scary.

      Unless you’re in a particularly forgiving climate (no freeze, no flooding, modest heating and cooling needs, minimal pest problems) these sorts of risks are a given, and any one of them will more than wipe out a couple-three-four years of “equity building.” (And IMO, taking an adjustable-rate mortgage in the name of building equity is a form of roulette, not a form of investment.)

      Philly isn’t that tough a place to buy; it’s not like if you don’t buy now, you’ll be priced out forever. I’d save / build the money in some other, more diversified way.

      1. KatEnigma*

        We moved in January and didn’t get out from under our albatross of a house in ND until April. Just about everything that could go wrong, did- including a storm that blew away the downspouts -our realtor never did find the one- and led to water in the basement 3 days before closing! Our snow removal people quit abruptly in February (for no reason, other than it snowed too much last year- we paid them as soon as they generated a bill and weren’t even there to complain about them being late, etc!) and it keeps snowing in ND until April… And that was with our Realtor checking since she had skin in the game!

      2. Solidarity*

        I do think the market is correcting a bit and interest rates may (?) go down at some point. I don’t think I’d buy right now if I didn’t need a place to home, with prices still weirdly inflated *and* crappy mortgage options.

    5. Morning reader*

      I discovered when considering buying a house to rent to a friend that both taxes and insurance are 2x or 3x higher when the house is not your primary residence. (Friend ended up getting a mortgage of her own and I helped a bit.) Figure these extra costs into your calculation.
      As for information, the library has a whole section of real estate books. Even looking a chapter headings will give you some idea of all the elements to consider.
      You might need a financial adviser to consult about whether this is a good investment. Seems like you could park your savings elsewhere and grow them more than trying to build equity in a rental, but who knows?

    6. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Everything I’ve ever read about being a landlord sounds awful. It’s why I didn’t rent out my house when I was living elsewhere but just used it as a sort of vacation home. I wouldn’t buy a house in another city until I’m actually looking to move there, personally.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I agree. I’ve never done it myself, but I’ve known people who did it when they moved out and didn’t want to/ couldn’t sell their place.

        It has the potential for disaster renters to destroy the place on purpose. Renters who just don’t know how to care for a house. As a landlord unlike a home owner you have to fix problems right away that as a homeowner you could work around or DIY.

        I would definitely use a property manager, but they cost money. You need to be monetarily prepared for you not to have renters for a month or two or more (perhaps while paying to fix things or professional cleaners) and still pay your mortgage.

    7. Venus*

      I rented out my place for years while I lived elsewhere for work and it went really well. A friend recommended their friend, and he was reliable for many years until I moved back. It’s an apartment so the HOA took care of all the outside parts. I gave him the option of a property management company or saving a bit of money and doing maintenance himself. If you can find someone through friends and family whom you trust then that helps a lot with the renting.

      I agree with waiting a year to buy. You will have more money and the effects of the increased interest rate will hopefully be more obvious with lower prices. It’s also best to buy in winter and prices peak in spring.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I see about building equity. Assuming little or no down payment and a 30 year mortgage then at the 15 year mark you will have 25% equity. You might do better just getting with a financial advisor and making some investments.

      You are asking how to decide.
      1st, I’d use one of those online mortgage calculators. Put in how much you can comfortably pay per month, the length of the loan, and estimate the loan rate but go a bit on the higher side so you can see worst case scenario. Solve for loan amount. You will probably get a more realistic number than what any loan company might show you.

      2nd. Rental property. I recommend reviewing the landlord tenant laws in PA. Here in NY the laws are deliberately written in favor of the tenants, this is because decades ago tenants really got messed with. The laws have not been updated for the way society has changed. If you want to evict someone it takes a long time.

      3rd. Empty building. Having dealt with unoccupied buildings (thanks, family members) this is NOT fun. I got lucky with the house that was the most remote because the family member had friends who cared enough to check the house. I would not have gotten through that without the extra help. But there was still “fun” stuff to deal with: rodents, pests, water…..

      If you decide to push ahead with this idea, barebones get a contractor (someone you pay) to walk through the house with you to let you know where the problems are. My last word of caution, if you buy a house now and leave it empty for several years, then it can become a house you would never have bought at the get-go.

      Now if you said, “I plan to zip over to the house on weekends and live there on weekends.” That might soften my answer a little, but not that much.

      And last tidbit. Do not spend your entire allotment on the down payment. Set money aside so when you get into the house you can fix whatever surprises you find and/or do things to customize the house to suit you. You will need yard equipment or a yard care service. We threw away money on garbage cans, ladders and other stuff that we just did not own because of renting. It got kind of dicey for us, because we spent our last bucks on a modest tractor to mow and remove snow. I was rolling pennies to get the other things we needed. If you can prevent this short sight you will have done a very good deed for yourself.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        Very much that last bit. Houses are EXPENSIVE. Ours was in good shape and the previous owners had done a lot of the fixer-upping, but even so, we spent at least $50K in our first month here – tent fumigation, new electrical box, new furnace and A/C unit, earthquake retrofit. We’ll be replacing the roof, windows, and patio doors soon, which is likely to cost even more than that. The small things add up too. New furniture, trips to the hardware store, etc. But we bought way less house than the bank would’ve approved, and only put 20% down (leaving enough cash on hand to write those checks!) so it wasn’t a hardship.

    9. Kate*

      I’ve rented out my house long term three times now while I lived away for work. It’s been a good experience each time.

      A few considerations:

      -choose the neighbourhood wisely and price accordingly. It’ll be a balancing act between not wanting the place to sit empty and actually getting enough rent to cover your mortgage, property taxes, management fees, insurance, etc.

      – I tended to price too low, and in one case, I found that a lot of prospective tenants were suspicious of the low rent. In the other case, I wound up renting to a couple of frat boys who were very nice but also utterly filthy
      . In retrospect, I should have aimed higher and “let” them negotiate me down.

      -this is not the time to be buying a fixer upper. That can come later when you are resident in the property. Choose something that is either on the newish (but not new!) end, or something that has had the major areas (roof, furnace, etc.) done in the last ten years. A condo also works well because then you only need to insure and do repairs on the inside of your apartment, and the rest is handled by the condo corp.

      -get a property manager. Ours cost 75$/month or 5% of the rent. That’s way less than most people’s HOA fees, and definitely worth it! They found me tenants, did their credit checks, were the ones on call if the toilet leaked (only once in six years, woo!), etc.

      -look for a mortgage that lets you prepay X amount each year (I think mine is 10%). That way you can buy the place now and put any additional “down payment” money on the mortgage in subsequent years (usually it goes directly on to the principal at that point, but check the fine print). I do this because it lets me hold that money in reserve for emergencies, and if I don’t need it by the end of the year, I put it lump sum on the remaining mortgage as a prepayment.

      I hope this helps!

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      It caught my eye that you have a $50k downpayment now, but could have $100k downpayment in a few years. I would strongly suggest playing around with those numbers in a mortgage calculator to see how much that impacts the monthly payment on a given house, or conversely how much more you would be able to spend while holding the monthly payment constant.
      We ended up buying a house for $220k, much lower than what the banks were telling us we could afford. They wanted us in $300k houses because then they would earn more interest on us and the real estate agents would make more commission, and were very sincere in telling us we “could afford” those houses. Best decision we ever made was buying the cheap house, because it has given us financial breathing room.
      Final data point: in the first two years, our interest rate was 4.6% and we built just $8k in equity (and that’s with paying an extra $100 towards principle each month). Which isn’t nothing, but to me it wouldn’t be worth the hassle of trying to rent the place out from a distance. I personally would wait until you are ready to live in the house to buy it. 3 years ago, Covid wasn’t on our radar. Look how much changed in that short period of time.

    11. Newbie*

      Being a landlord is a PITA, and the financing requirements to purchase a house you don’t plan to live in are considerably more stringent. Taxes and insurance are much more as well.
      Wait until you are ready to move, then buy a place you want to live in. There are no guarantees of building equity, getting good tenants or anything else. Houses are illiquid and very expensive to buy and sell (commissions). They are not great investments for the average person when you factor in all the costs of ownership. Unless you are a bit lucky in terms of location, you’ll break even at best.

    12. River Song*

      Pay attention to interest rates! That is thousands of dollars you are paying on top of your principal payment every year. It’s the least exciting part of the process but it’s super important. Check to see how much of your monthly payment goes to principal, shop around for interest rates especially online. And with interest rates Insanely high right now, consider keeping back some cash to refinance when they drop. I initially bought with a 3.8 interest rate but when rates were crazy low last year refinanced to lock in at 1.9. It is saving me thousands upon thousands of dollars as I will now be able to pay off my home years sooner. Ultimately don’t get caught in the glitzy overspendy world of realtors, keep a foot in financial planning land.

    13. Llellayena*

      The website Motley Fool had quite a few step by step process articles about house buying that I read when I was looking. It probably won’t give you the “should I do this and when” advice but it can probably give you the steps so you know what to research to help make the decision.

    14. Pellegrino*

      One important thing to consider is that most mortgages (ie for primary residences) require you to live in the house for a year before being able to rent it out; otherwise, you need to get a mortgage for the house as an investment property, which typically have higher interest rates.

  4. Mo Money Mo Problems*

    I am hoping to start a local meetup/group for women interested in personal finance and am wondering if I need to set any ground rules. I’m in a decent amount of online groups for these interests. I notice they can attract pushy business owners/salespeople, often times presenting opportunities that aren’t what they seem or in excess of what folks need. Part of my ambition of this group is to help educate and increase financial literacy – and these people are usually preying on those with little finance knowledge. I’m really torn here because it would seem natural to allow folks to network and look for job opportunities but I feel pretty strongly about people not feeling pressured or being presented with bait and switch type opportunities. I don’t necessarily want to disclude anyone but I also want it to be a safe space for those who are just starting their financial savvy journey. Any ideas or guidance?

    1. Ginger Pet Lady*

      “We speak generally about ideas, concepts and best practices in this group. Promoting or sharing specific products, opportunities, franchises or employment is strictly prohibited.
      Remember that if it sounds too good to be true, or too certain, it probably is misleading. Be VERY cautious about members of the group approaching you outside the group to get you to buy or sell with them.
      If any member of the group makes you feel uncomfortable or pressures you to invest, join a program, etc. please report it to the group leaders.”

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        As someone who founded a Meetup group, I think this language is excellent. Putting important guidelines right up front in the About section avoids potential problems and keeps things going smoothly.

        For the group I organize, new members are required to agree to a few prompts when they sign up. For this group, your prompt(s) could include something along the lines of “I understand that the group’s purpose is for financial understanding and agree not to pitch or sell anything.” That extra step for signing up minimizes the odds of someone coming in with a financial motive.

        All of the events my co-leaders and I organize for our group list a caveat at the bottom of the announcement about what might get them removed from the group. It’s polite and non-threatening and at the same time clarifies expectations. For ours, it’s multiple no-shows. For yours, it could be something like “Efforts to sell or pitch a specific product or financial strategy will result in your being removed from the group.” Including that on every announcement reinforces the message, and also makes the people who genuinely want to join feel more welcome.

        The other thing that helped for my group was switching from a public group to a private one. Anyone can still join, and the group purpose is still visible, but activities and members aren’t. This greatly reduced the number of scammers who joined. When mine was public in its first couple months, there were a number of fake accounts that popped up, and I got a few complaints from members who had been contacted. Since marking the group as private years ago, I’ve had just a couple fake accounts.

      2. fposte*

        I like this a lot. It’s also more explanatory than straight up saying “No crypto, no MLMs,” which may not translate in people’s minds to what’s in front of them.

        I don’t know how language around these groups works–do you think you’d need to add “and will result in banning from the group” after “is strictly prohibited” in order to give yourself the authority to do that?

        1. Lilo*

          I’d definitely worry about MLMs targeting personal fiance groups. The whole gimmick is they try to push financial freedom and go after those with difficult financial situations.

        2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

          Yes, you probably need to reserve the right to ban anyone for any reason. Otherwise you will have “rules lawyer” types to try to get around the guidelines. I don’t think MLM’s will ever admit that’s what they are, so they will claim “no MLMs” doesn’t apply to them. Like the people who ignore my “no soliciting” signs because they are “not actually selling solar panels; they pay for themselves you know….”.

    2. Frankie Bergstein*

      The best group I’m part of required a short, informal interview with the organizer before it started — she could strain out overtalkers, folks who were pushy, or not quite bought into the mission of the group.

    3. PX*

      The language Ginger Pet Lady has proposed is great and something I see a lot of in online spaces and to a certain extent in person. I’d definitely use it as a starting point.

      The other thing I’d say is get very clear in your head what is and isnt allowed – and then stick to it clearly and communicate it CONSISTENTLY. So is it that people are allowed to pitch as long as they state it is a pitch and communicate who they work for upfront? Fine. Is it that absolutely no pitching is allowed? Also fine. But whatever line you draw (and it can change over time) – make sure you are consistent with it and enforce it ruthlessly. Get comfortable being the bad guy/having difficult conversations with people who try to cross it or kicking them out of the group if needed.

    4. Red Sky*

      As someone who grew up pre-internet, government-cheese poor and had very little financial education, I love that you’re doing this, thank you! In addition to prohibiting selling etc I hope you’ll also educate on how to identify those too-good-to-be-true opportunities and scams, the number of MLMs is too damn high.

    5. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Curious if you already have friends that want to be members. Along with what other people are suggesting, if you have a friend or two who you know would be considerate and valuable to the group as a member, you might be able to “stack the deck” with strong members at the start.

  5. Aphrodite*

    Cats and their crazy antics.

    Today I had my handyman out to put lightweight plastic panels on the undersides of my sofas. My three cats, now between 1.25 and 3 years old, went nuts when I first got them about a year ago and found it enormous fun to lie on their sides, reach their paws under the sofas and beds and rip the black covering, then pull out as much stuff as they could. It enraged me at night to listen to them do it to my bed but they could not be deterred. I wasn’t able to save the bed–though it is still good enough to use–but I ended up taking the legs off the sofas and let them sit directly on the floor so the cats couldn’t get to the undersides. But it made the sofas pretty short and when I tried a couple off months ago to put the legs on again it was as if I had opened up a room full of kitty cocaine. Eyes widened. Nostrils flared. They pounced and pulled. I promptly removed the legs again.

    But I never stopped thinking about it, and when I came up with the idea of maybe having plastic panels attached to the frame’s underside I decided to do it. The panels are inexpensive lightweight opaque plastic that came in 4×8 feet pieces. The handyman picked up them up today and came right over. He said it was the perfect solution and so it proved. I have three kitties contentedly napping now–and two sofas unbothered and back to their original height.

    So … what have you had to alter in your home or your life with your cats? Bonus points for creative solutions.

    1. Happily Retired*

      I use – bear with me here, and read the whole post – mouse traps to keep cats off of kitchen counters and dining tables. (I love cats to death, but I think it’s absolutely gross to let them walk over food prep and serving surfaces, darling little litter-box users that they are. Also, this can be a huge safety issue for cats, see below.)

      The recipe: lay out open, unbaited mouse traps every 3′ feet or so on the surface where you don’t want them to be. Lay out (carefully!) five sheets or so of newspaper over the traps. Test one with your finger by touching the trap through the paper, setting off the trap, to ensure that the trap doesn’t cut through the paper, reaching the cat’s paws. Add another sheet or two if needed (newsprint varies in thickness.)

      Go to bed. Listen contentedly to the sound of the muffled mouse trap going off, followed a millisecond later by the sound of the cat hitting the floor. If you have particularly stubborn cats, repeat nightly for another 2-3 nights until you find un-trapped traps in the morning.

      Follow up occasionally by sprinkling some flour on the counter/ tabletop and looking for paw prints. Repeat as necessary.

      For those who aren’t bothered by cats on kitchen counters, consider what would happen if a cat jumped up on a recently-used gas or electric range top. Protect your fur buddies from calamity.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        Have you tried the cat scarers that attach to a can of compressed air? We use ours to keep the cats from scratching at the bedroom door all night long, but they’re meant for use on counters and such. They detect infrared heat signatures and release a hiss of air at the offending cat. Ours are Ssscat brand. Pro tip: you don’t have to use their expensive air refills, you can just use the standard cans intended for use as keyboard cleaners. You can find brands that don’t have anti-huffing additives, which is an odd thing to look for, but that’s what we use and it works fine.

        1. Happily Retired*

          Well, that’s interesting! I’ve never heard of that. So far the mousetraps are getting the job done, but I will definitely keep this in mind if I have to broaden my approach. (I have always hissed at my cats to get them to stop doing something, but the current cat actually hisses back. She’s got lots of Gumption.)

          Love your username, by the way. One of my former churches had a massive Cedar of Lebanon that was inhabited every Sunday by multiple kids on the massive, horizontal limbs.

      2. Mousetraps & cats*

        I’ve heard about
        1) setting the mousetraps upside down (with a couple of newspaper sheets on top) so they snap up into the air (but not too high because of the newspaper) but are less likely to catch a paw
        2) setting up a trip light like they have in gas station stores, but rig it up to a loud horn
        3) putting contact paper sticky- side up on kitchen counters, when you’re sleeping or gone

        I also think cats on kitchen counters is completely gross although I seem to be in a minority

        1. Happily Retired*

          1) That’s a nice modification of the mousetrap thing. I might give that a try. (If for no other reason than that we don’t subscribe to a paper paper (there should be a better way of phrasing that, but it’s not coming to mind) these days. Newsprint is in short supply!

          I don’t think that I want to be 2) awakened by an air horn, or 3) by a panicked cat wrapping itself up in contact paper, but I can definitely see how those would also work.

        2. Becky S.*

          I agree! Cats on counters and tables are gross. I have a couple friends with cats who are intelligent, sensible people and their cats jomp on the table while we’re eating. yuk!!!!! :-{

          1. mreasy*

            Lol, I am like your friends. It doesn’t bother me but I don’t allow it when we have guests!! Thankfully my guys aren’t interested in our kitchen counters.

        3. Aphrodite*

          I do too but unfortunately, I cannot keep them off. So, since I know they get up there I solve that by a two-part cleaning process: an undiluted white vinegar wash followed by a Dawn-and-hot-water wash and rinse. They only get up on the counters when I am not in there cooking so I routinely do it every time. As for the stove, they stay away from the stovetop, sensing the heat. Thankfully, I don’t worry about that.

      3. Jackalope*

        When I first got my two oldest cats they HAD to get to the top of the fridge. It was like the thrill of Mt. Everest to them. And the only way to get up there was by jumping on the stove and then to the fridge. I tried very hard to keep them off but there was only so much I could do.

        So one day I had just been cooking and the cats decided they had to be on the fridge. I had stepped into the next room and saw them but was too far away to stop them. They jumped up… and then jumped right on down! (No burns form what I could tell though; they were too quick.) My tom learned not to jump on the stove. My Queen learned not to jump on the stove… when it was hot.* She’s always been the cleverer of the two.

        *She realized that me standing at the stove, putting pots and pans up there, stirring, etc meant the stove would be hot. So she would jump up and down freely until I started cooking, and then left it alone for an hour or two. Thankfully the fridge fascination Steve didn’t last too long.

        1. Happily Retired*

          This is so awesome –I am lost in the awesomeness! When my son was a toddler, he also wanted to Conquer the Fridge, and I periodically had to pull him back down. Fortunately, he just used the drawer handles to climb up to counter level.

        2. I take tea*

          Cats can learn quite well, if need be. One of my old cats wanted to explore everything when she came into the house. She managed to jump straight into a sink full of soapy water and dishes in soak. She never, ever, jumped on a counter after that.

          1. Cedrus Libani*

            Reminds me of a trip to the vet, where I took my hands and eyes off the cat in order to sign the paperwork for his shots. The cat decided to hide in the sink. It had one of those faucets that turns on automatically – and it was a big industrial-grade faucet that power-washed the poor cat before he could react. The vet came back in to find the patient and exam room quite soaked, and an owner weeping with laughter while attempting to clean it up. Then kitty got his shots anyhow. Not his best day…but he never went near a sink again.

      4. JSPA*

        Mine are too old to get on counters anymore.

        But they were very quickly able to learn the difference between counter (where I fed one of them) and stove (where if they jumped up, I shrieked at the top of my lungs, and jumped as high as I could in the air, and came down with my hardest “thud.”)

        Pre-warn the neighbors…and do not do this in an appartment. But it works.

        As for couches, the reason there are not plastic sheets already bolted to the undersides of couches is that in many climates, couches need air circulation, to not develop mildew from your perspiration. If your climate (or your heating-conditioning) leaves the house always dry, this isn’t much risk, but if you’re someplace damper, consider using a perforated or breathable covering. (Plywood with cut-outs works well.)

        Though come to think of it, the only time my cats really went nuts getting into a couch…that’s how I found out about the mice.

        1. Aphrodite*

          I thought about that but I live in Santa Barbara, the southern central coastal part of California so our weather is not not particularly damp. (I’m near the foothills rather than the ocean.) But I could have him come back and probably put some holes in the plastic in the middle–where their claws can’t reach–to ensure there is some air circulation. Thanks for the reminder!

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          Our kitchen has no door, and also a pass-through. Fortunately these 2 are almost 100% prepared to let food come to them.

        1. Manders*

          My cat Bruce just looked at me when I was applying foil to the kitchen island as if it were a personal challenge. He won. I haven’t found anything that deters him.

    2. Cedrus Libani*

      We’ve got a bunch of stuff underneath our sofa for precisely the same reason. Mostly extra shelves for storage units we aren’t using, but might need someday – they’re large and flat and have to go somewhere, so.

      We also have shelves under the fridge and dresser to prevent cat toys from disappearing under them. They’re the metal kind, so they don’t block air circulation for the fridge.

      I have a series of “cat traps” in my work space – places for cats to sit that are more appealing than my keyboard. Their favorite spot is on top of the bookshelf, where there’s a nice blanket for them to sit on, held in place by a metal shelf that’s been screwed on upside down to the top of the bookshelf. (It’s actually been there longer than I’ve had cats – I got the bookshelf as a starving student in San Francisco, living in a tiny apartment where I wasn’t allowed to attach anything to the wall, even for earthquake safety purposes. The upside-down shelf also has two shelf poles attached, braced up against the ceiling, such that if the bookshelf rocks forward the poles will hit the ceiling and prevent the bookshelf from falling over.)

    3. SparklingBlue*

      Worried about holiday heirlooms becoming history at kitty’s paw? Non-breakable ornaments, and aluminum foil rubbed with orange peel keeps kitty away.

      Depending on your kitty, you may still find some stray ornaments on occasion.

      1. Lissajous*

        Oh my goodness the Christmas tree. It’s three week long process at my place!
        – First: put up the tree. Leave it for about a week with no ornaments so the novelty wears off.
        – Second: put on the Sacrificial Ornaments. The ones that you don’t mind if the cat goes for them, and also they won’t do any damage to the cat, and also they are pretty reparable. Best acquired in post Christmas sales. Wait a week for the novelty to wear off.
        – Third: put on most of the rest of the ornaments. The bottom third of the tree is purely cat-robust items. Wait a week, etc.
        – Fourth: just before Christmas Day, put on any truly precious, fragile ornaments.
        – Never: put on lights, tinsel, or anything with feathers
        – Boxing Day: immediately remove the truly precious and fragile items.

        (One of my cats will chew anything that is string or string like. He also loves playing with toys that dangle, and toy mice are a consumable item in this household. You can see why putting up the tree is just a whole lot of opportunities!)

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          We installed lag bolts in the walls so we could attach the tree. We used wire cables so that when the cats climbed the tree it stayed put. We also had it very sparsely decorated with cat friendly ornaments.
          We currently have no cats, as Best Good Dog is not a cat person, but the bolts remain in our living room wall.

        2. KatEnigma*

          I had to do the opposite. When Christopher was a kitten, I had these stuffed Winnie the Pooh ornaments, plus some mice and other stuffed cloth ornaments my grandmother had made. He would steal EVERY SINGLE ONE.

          So my strategy was a garland made entirely of bells that were strung especially on the bottom of the tree and various Bell ornaments that were on the edge of branches at the bottom of the tree. That was my alert that he was going after something. And then just plain colored ball ornaments, even if they were breakable, that he completely left alone. The non breakable ornaments were the ones I had to put up high! I still have those ornaments, and Piglet’s chewed ear is there in memory of that silly cat.

    4. Double A*

      These aren’t really changes but expenditures…. I bought a nearly $200 microchip feeder so the young fat cat wouldn’t starve the old cats by snarfing all the food down. Yep, a $200 cat bowl.

      Oh and we spent like $3000 on black market remdesivir to hopefully cure said young cat of FIP. It worked but it definitely is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done for my cats.

      In terms of modifications, we have a door that closes off the stairway to the upstairs, and we like to keep it closed but want the cats to be able to move freely. So we cut off the corner of the door to make an entry for them. And I have seriously contemplated doing that to most of our internal doors. Specifically I’d like to make tiny cat doors that one can open and shut as needed. I figure in the long run it will be an appealing feature for the right buyer.

      This isn’t exactly cat caused, but we had to move the cat food into our master bath because my toddler loves to eat it.

        1. Double A*

          I’m like…one of my cats is 18 years old so what she eats is probably fine for a child? Maybe even good? Seems effective for her.

              1. Happily Retired*

                OK, even worse. IT WAS SUPPPOSED TO BE (pant pant) two of the upper case things above the comma key plus the word hugs plus two of the upper case things above the period key.

                This is on a laptop. Lord only knows what it is on mobile.

          2. JSPA*

            In the US, cat food has to be human food grade. The kid is fine, except for whatever they’re catching from the cat saliva (which they could equally catch directly from the cat).

        2. Clisby*

          Same at my house. We found the cat eating stray Cheerios and our son eating Meow Mix. Everybody survived.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        One of my uncles used to eat dog food as a kid. My grandmother, having dealt with an undiagnosed ADHD child and an undiagnosed autistic child while being autistic herself, just gave up by that point and let him do it.

    5. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Our cat hacks are mostly because of the dogs. We put up baby gates to keep the dogs out of the litterbox and cat food. (We put the food on top of the chest freezer in the pantry, but our latest dog turned out to be a counter surfer.)

      The freezer is getting a little too tall or slippery for the cats as they have aged, so we got what is basically a carpet-covered 5 gallon bucket for them to use as a step stool. The lid of the freezer is now covered with a rubber shelf liner/mat as the metal has rusted a little over the years from being wiped down so much. We can just change out the liner when it gets too gross.

      One cat loves to eat my houseplants. I found cheap or free aquariums and large birdcages to use to protect the plants from grazing. This same cat loves to gnaw on shoes and laces. They are now hidden in the storage bench by the door.

      1. KatEnigma*

        We have a cat that can’t jump (I think a result of the Felv that affected her right eye as a tiny rescue kitten) so she can’t even get to the top of the freezer and never could. The baby gate with the cat door in it wasn’t small enough to keep out the cockalier… So it was a constant fight. Thankfully, our new house has a closet under the stairs that we put one of those cat-shaped openings to. And the litter robot that’s worth its weight in gold (it’s PRICEY, but it actually works to keep out any litter smell! And picky people going through our last house that complained about dog smell NEVER smelled the cat) so she doesn’t mind that her litter and food are in the same space. Also luckily it’s a large closet, and we put a small cat tree in there, to separate them.

          1. KatEnigma*

            Second or Third Gen, that they no longer make or sell. I think we only paid $300 for it. We actually had a 1st Gen one that we got rid of because our really big cat wouldn’t use it, and we were down to just her at the time we were moving cross country- we sold it for almost what we’d paid for it new. We replaced it several years later in a different location with a different cat right before the slick redesign and price hike. When the motor stopped this summer, my husband was able to just replace the motor (from a robot supply place?) thankfully. Because we can’t do without it!

          2. Cedrus Libani*

            FWIW, I’ve used a 1st gen (in a four-cat house-share) and now own a 3rd gen (with my own two cats), and it might be the best “frivolous” purchase I’ve ever made. You do have to be a little bit handy; it’s a robot after all, but it gives informative error messages, and it’s mostly “take me apart and clean X”.

        2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

          I’m jealous. I have wanted to get a litter robot for a long time. The robot vacuum won.

          Come to think of it, that is another household change we made for the cats. I read somewhere that you should vacuum once per week for each pet you have in the house to keep hair, dander, and odors at bay. We wore out our first robot vacuum after 2 years of daily cleaning (I shed a lot so I figure I’m worth 2 pets, lol.)

          1. KatEnigma*

            If you can ever justify the cost, they work. They REALLY work. Better than the robot vacuum works, to be honest. Not that we can do without that either (1 cat, 3 dogs. We replaced all the carpet with engineered hardwood before we moved in) We got a roborock because you can map zones, because our large first floor was defeating it- plus we wanted to be able to tell it not to go places. And we still have to rescue it at least once a day. The litter robot just WORKS most of the time.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m allergic to furry creatures but like them, and a big reason I come to the weekend thread is to read people’s pet stories. I love it. Keep ’em coming!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband’s cat is too lazy to go to a no-dog zone to use the litterbox, to the point where she ruined a half dozen dog beds peeing on those instead. So there is a quarter-bath with a private balcony and a view (read “plywood enclosure”) that my husband built to put a box in the dog zone but keep the dogs out of it.

      I also don’t have a Christmas tree anymore – the same cat routinely stole all my soft ornaments and then drowned them in the water bowl for the grievous offense of “not containing drugs” – we’re pretty sure she thought they were catnip toys. So instead we installed hooks around the living room about a foot below the ceiling and at Christmas time drape a lighted garland around, and I hang the ornaments from that. I really like it – no need to rearrange the furniture to find room for the tree, much less storage needed, and it looks really nice. The heavy or fragile ones get hung on the actual wall hooks, lighter ones go on the swags in between, and nothing is out of sight in the back or whatnot.

      1. Mousetraps & cats*

        Maybe, MAYBE your cat isn’t lazy & is peeing on the dog beds as a “This dog item simply cannot be here,” protest. I mean, sure the cat could be both. :)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          She thinks she is a dog, haha. My grumpy old dog is her best friend, they play together pretty regularly, and once we put the box on the dog level (dogs aren’t allowed in the basement at all, cat-only zone, and only in the upstairs when supervised, they only get free roam of the main floor of the house) the peeing on dog beds stopped :)

    8. Fish*

      Cat One is a little claustrophobic and gets very upset if part of the apartment is closed off, so we leave our bedroom door open pretty much all the time. (Fortunately she doesn’t care about the bathroom.)

      Cats One and Three will drink from any cup with water in it, so we only have water in cups with lids.

      Last year, Cat Two figured out that she could poke the bottom corner of a window screen out and make a big enough hole to get outside, so we can’t open any of our windows wider than the width of her head.

      We also had to childproof the cabinet under the sink because Cat Two was smart enough to figure out how to get into the cabinet, but not smart enough to get back out. (None of the cabinets have handles, so all she’d have to do is push on it to get out.)

      Cats Two and Three like to hang out on top of the big bookshelves, so both of them have old pillows up there for them to sleep on.

      Both of us have definitely gone to pick up a blanket or something off the floor, realized one of the cats was sleeping on it, and just left it there for a week or so until the cats moved on to another weird nap spot.

      1. JSPA*

        Re-screening window screens is within the bounds of fairly simple and cheap DIY, and they make pet-proof screens. Worth a try? They also make plastic cat guards for windows (sliding, double hung and tip-open-to-inside, hinged-at-bottom; don’t know about awning).

        1. KatEnigma*

          I can attest to rescreening being easy and absolutely works. (Pro tip, just buy the tool for putting the seal back in) The first time we replaced the screen, not 30 seconds (not even an exaggeration!) after we’d stepped back from the replaced screen, our very large cat saw a squirrel out that window and leapt onto it, holding on with all of her claws. ONE square was slightly out of shape. We have always replaced screens since then- they aren’t as transparent as normal screens so it does make the room a little darker.

      2. Jackalope*

        Some of our cats love “screen time”: we put them up on a window sill with the window open (only at the screened windows, hence the name) and they can look outside and enjoy the scents and sights. One of the windows is pretty high up so we decided to put some shelves on the wall for the cats to jump up and down to the window so they could have screen time without having to wait for a human to pick them up. Well, apparently being picked up by a human is part of The Experience, since they have ignored the shelves and stood at the base of the window calling for a human to pick them up and give them their screen time.

    9. StellaBella*

      my cat tried that with the mattress too under the frame of the ikea bed…. I moved the mattress, stapled down plastic bin liner bags, replaced the mattress. she never did it after that obv. good job on the panels!

    10. Catherine*

      When I lived with cats, they broke all the wineglasses. Thank goodness for adult sippy cups! Even if they were jumped on, the spillage was minimal. Now I still use the grownup sippies because they’re convenient.

    11. cat socks*

      This isn’t really an alteration to my home, but at any given time I have 3-4 cardboard boxes laying around. I get canned food from Chewy and made the mistake of putting the cardboard trays on the entryway bench. They’re not even real boxes, but two of my cats immune claimed them. I’ll find them sleeping in them during the day.

      I also bought a “fancy” box from Amazon. It’s got a decorative pattern on the outside and that gets a lot of use as well. With the holiday season coming up, I’m thinking of wrapping some empty boxes in wrapping paper so I can get se cute pics for cards.

    12. Eff Walsingham*

      You know how a lot of cats are deterred from scratching by tin foil? Well, I used to rent (ultimately for 9 years) in a wonderful heritage building done up with vintage wallpaper… I’m sure all the cat people can see where this is going.

      For the first few years, he left it alone, used his scratching post. Then he started scratching one spot in the foyer, by the living room door. I painstakingly glued the scratched bits back together and covered the area with tin foil.

      He moved over. I moved over. He stretched up. I covered. Eventually the entire foyer (maybe 4×8 feet long?) was covered in foil, up to waist height, including all the door frames. My landlord had to come in occasionally to check or fix things, and I figure there’s a strong chance that he thought I suffer from some form of non-destructive mental health condition. And was fine with that, because we’d had some issues in the building with tenants of a more destructive type.

      I don’t miss renting. I don’t think I ever asked for, let alone received, my damage deposit back. My O.G. cat, when I started living on my own, was really into property crimes. Now that we live in the vanilla sky box, no one ever goes after the built-in elements. But we’re looking at buying an old house soon, so all bets are off. I wonder if some vintage wallpaper paste was made of fish innards??

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        You’re joking, but isinglass is made from the swim bladders of fish and was used to make glue. Probably not wallpaper glue, but still an amusing fact.

      2. KatEnigma*

        It doesn’t help that rentals use THE cheapest miniblinds known to peoplekind…

        When you rent a house instead of an apartment, you can usually get away with replacing the screens with pet screen. ;) We never got a penny back from apartments, but we managed to get full deposits back from 2 out of 3 rental houses. The last one didn’t have blinds at all and the first one had antique wood real venetian blinds that the cats couldn’t destroy. LOL

    13. Animal worker*

      I have a cat, and three parrots. When I’m not home the cat is upstairs, parrots in their cages downstairs.

      I’ve basically had to construct a ‘stair fortress’ to keep the cat where I want her when I’m out of the house. Started with an extra tall pet gate at the bottom of the stairs – check. Then she started jumping onto the post at the stair landing so secured a knickknack on top of it to keep her off – check. Then she stuck her head through the bars below the stair railing so cable-tied on plastic fencing to stop that – check. Next she jumped on top of the railing itself so added a curtain hanging from the wall above and attached to the railing to block that – check. This all worked for about six months or so then the little darling figured out it was safe to jump over the pet gate, so had to add a curtain hanging from the wall above that that – check. And finally, over time I had to start securing that curtain to the pet gate with chip clips because she was going under the curtain and over the gate. This latest (and last?) stair fortress has now been successful for almost two years so fingers crossed it’s the final iteration.

      1. KatEnigma*

        When I was a kid, my parents got me a parakeet (Whom I named Peter Pan) and for some stupid reason hung his cage behind the wooden rocking chair… That cat used to use the rocking chair as his springboard to leap at the cage and hang from it with his claws. For some strange reason, that bird died of a heart attack.

        1. I take tea*

          In Dovey Tovey’s Cats in the Belfry, that I mentioned some time ago as a really fun feelgood book, there is a parrot that regurlarly gets his cage knocked down. The learn to put a big chair under it. They also have to secure the windows by tying them shut and other things. I need to reread that one, I think.

    14. fposte*

      What’s funny to me about your story, Aphrodite, is that I have a Prius and they’re subject to theft of the catalytic converter because of the value of the metals in it. So I bought something that welds to the underside of my car to cover the converter, much as you’re protecting your sofa. And the name of this device is a Cat Shield. So I’d say we both installed Cat Shields.

      (A friend’s cat loved to crawl up into those holes and sleep inside the sofa.)

    15. KatEnigma*

      That was a great idea. Our then puppy destroyed the undersides of a pair of chairs like that- but wing chairs where we couldn’t just put it on the ground to be a little lower. I don’t know what was in that fabric, but it was like cocaine!

      We had this cat- Christopher. He’s been gone for 10 years now, but he lives on in family history. He was THE sweetest cat. And also the dumbest. We had to put plywood over our fireplace because he would push in and the pure white cat would be pure black, and spread it everywhere (in a RENTAL) In that apartment, we also had to rig up something for behind the washer because he’d jump up onto the washer, go behind it, and then couldn’t jump back up. So he’s yowl for rescue. But if I went to rescue him, he would move away from my hand, where I could just barely reach to begin with, and the way the units were wedged into a closet, I couldn’t move them on my own to get to him.

    16. Dancing Otter*

      No solutions, but cat antics:
      As a child, I had a cat that liked to go inside the electric organ through the opening for the volume pedal. Short of pulling it out from the wall (that thing was very heavy, being made back in the vacuum tube era) to take off the back panel, the only way to get her out was to turn it on, tip the pedal flat, and hit a bass note. Which was kind of mean, looking back, but better than having something short out from loose fur and zap her. I don’t think it takes a lot of voltage to kill a 7-pound cat. We couldn’t block her out and still be able to play the organ.
      She also liked to lie on top of the hot water heater or furnace and baste herself (wash). The utility room always smelled of wet cat and catfood. (One of her nicknames was Tunabreath.) There was no way to stop her – she just patted anything off, usually to the back to maximize difficulty in retrieving it.

    17. Derivative Poster*

      We have 10-lb. magnets to keep the cabinets closed. Occasionally the cat manages to get into them anyway.

    18. Kiwi*

      I had to stuff all my houseplants into the spare room because my new cat will munch anything green and I have some established plants that are not kitty-safe. I had one new snake plant in an off-limit bathroom to quarantine for pests, and my kitty got in there and sat directly in it and smashed the crap out of it!

    19. Anon-E-Mouse*

      We’ve installed cat flaps on a number of internal doors so that the cats can let themselves in and out – on the doors to our ensuite bathroom for our bedroom and the general bathroom, the guest bedroom and our offices.

  6. Help Me Rhonda*

    How does one talk to doctors about triaging of care and needs? I finally have better health insurance and hit my deductible this year so I decided to take care of seeing 2 doctors about some ongoing issues (nothing major, mostly just small nagging things) plus addressing non-painful dental issues. I was under the impression I’d go to the doctor, get assessed and given a plan and maybe need to come back if I was having issues. However, these doctors have put me on ‘treatment’ plans and I will need to come in regularly for check ups and possibly take tests. With dental care, my dentist (who I really like and has been great treating my pain related issues) is talking about capping teeth that don’t seem to have any issues. Unfortunately, living in the US, the healthcare system sucks and is extremely expensive- I just can’t afford to go to the doctors more than a few times a year.

    I need to talk to the doctors about this but I don’t know how. It seems like they just assume I have the funds to get all the tests and come to unlimited appointments. I am healthy and have a good quality of life- I need an understanding of how necessary their recommendations are (what is urgent/needed, what is a good to have, etc) and what the potential risks or consequences are of skipping tests, spacing out appointments more, etc. I understand doctors are just trying to do their jobs as well but there’s needs to be a middle ground and I’m not sure how to get there.

    1. ThatGirl*

      I think laying it out to them like you did here is good – you have limited time and money and would like to know what is urgent and what is a “maybe someday” – I also think you can decide some of that for yourself in terms of what’s bothering you or chronic or easy to remedy.

    2. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I’ve had similar frustrations! I always feel like doctors don’t have a CLUE about costs. Either that or they don’t care.
      I once had a doctor try to switch one of my meds from one that was generic to a brand spanking new – and very expensive – one. He told me it was because the new one had a lower risk of side effects and the same level of effectiveness. Which sounds great, but…I had been on the med for 2 years with no side effects and switching would mean I would struggle to make my mortgage payment every month! He was pretty persistent, and I was pretty blunt about what the difference in cost would mean for me, and eventually he relented.
      Another friend once told her doctor “look. I cannot afford what you’re suggesting. I just can’t. What else could we try?”
      It’s just so screwed up. For profit health care means cost simply HAS to be a factor in thinking about treatment plans. And people often say “just get a second or third opinion!” as if A) those second opinion visits will be covered by insurance. They won’t. And each visit – especially if they run labs – will cost hundreds! and B) You can get in to see a doctor who isn’t your regular doctor within a reasonable amount of time. (You probably can’t)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        “Doctors don’t have a CLUE about costs.”

        This is in fact bang on the nose, especially in larger facilities. A tiny one-doc practice, they’re probably a little more familiar with pricing, but in a big hospital system, they almost certainly have absolutely zero clue about pricing, billing, any of it. One of my biggest work bugaboos is when docs start making up answers to patient questions about costs, even though we have a whole flipping department that their entire focus is to work with patients on financial questions and they can connect the patient with that department 24/7.

      2. Russian in Texas*

        Friend ran in to a ridiculous situation with the insurance/cost recently.
        He was recommended colonoscopy, by the nature of his age. He was also recommended to pick between the Colorguard and the standard. Whichever he picked would be billed as “screening” and therefore covered. He picked the Colorguard as the gentler option. Unfortunately there were some findings and now he has to do the standard one.
        What no one told him, since he already used up his “screening”, the standard colonoscopy is now a “procedure”, and he has to pay the $2000 copay.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          I put off a colonoscopy for years, because under the insurance I had then, it was essentially covered only if they didn’t find anything. If there was a polyp they could easily snip and be done with it — oops, it’s not a diagnostic test, it’s a procedure!
          A relative DIED of colon cancer. Even knowing her father had had it, she put off testing because of the cost. Trust me, Blue Cross paid a LOT more to treat stage 4 cancer than covering a colonoscopy.

      3. JustEm*

        I am a doctor, and out of pocket costs for patients vary WILDLY depending on their insurance. What’s cheaper for one patient may be more expensive for another. I tell people to let me know if pharmacy tells them something is a lot of money and I can try alternatives. I’ve learned certain things like that one of my commonly prescribed meds is 10x more money if I order tablet instead of capsules even though both forms are generic, and that if I order a vitamin D test I need to put the reason as vitamin D deficiency instead of the symptoms of vitamin d deficiency. But there’s always more to learn, and weird idiosyncrasies.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The whole vitamin D test diagnosis thing specifically is one of our current medical necessity focus issues at my hospital system – the symptoms don’t get the test covered as medically necessary, just the diagnosis. (No, it totally doesn’t make sense, and it drives us coders bonkers too.)

    3. JSPA*

      “I expect to have reasonable medical access for six more weeks, and then likely not, for another 2 or 3 years; please lay out what can be done in that time frame, starting with the most pressing issues.”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This is how and why I got into eating whole foods and proper hydration. Given my givens, I was probably going to have a career just of going to the doctor. Make sure that you’ve got the basics in place. Water is a big deal, our bodies absolutely have to have water every day and in similar amounts each day. Veggies and fruits are a big deal, we get vitamins and minerals from these foods that help our bodies to keep humming along. This becomes even more important as the decades roll by.

      I know I seem not to be answering you, but a good plan for diet and water intake can cover a lot of problems by preventing or easing future problems.

        2. JSPA*

          “Diet” as in, “change how you interact with food and modification of body shape and weight” is heavy stuff…and super-different from, “it’s easy to be short of micronutrients if you don’t or can’t eat and metabolize a range of fruit and veg.” This basically says, “eat what you want, but be mindful of nutrition.” That’s not “diet talk” in any standard, perjorative sense of the term.

          1. I take tea*

            I agree, I think that “nutrition and hydration can help generally” is helpful advice. I did not read it as diet talk.

            1. Brushandfloss*

              Saying drink more water and eat more fruits/vegetables is diet talk especially when it’s being touted as some type of cure-all.
              This poster gives this advice regardless what being asked all the time.

          2. Former Hominid*

            absolutely everything you’ve mentioned is diet advice, and not only that, completely orthogonal to the OP’s stated question of “how can I get a doctor to tell me what can be accomplished for my health via doctoring, low cost and within a 4 week timeframe”

      2. Ann Ominous*

        I found the same thing is true for me. I did an elimination diet and found I was having severe joint pain, sinus issues, and emotional issues!! (Anxiety and depression) in response to my fav foods.

        Now I can make more deliberate choices around the foods I eat and the effects I choose to take on. Co-worker’s stale donuts? Nah, I’ll pass. Amazing Italian restaurant that makes its own pasta? Yes please!

        The rest of the time I just frontload the ‘daily dozen’ foods and find my cravings are pretty low or nonexistent, and I do allow myself to indulge if I truly want something so I don’t feel deprived through restriction (and inclined to binge).

      3. Help Me Rhonda*

        Umm…what? You have been dispensing odd, unrelated and unsolicited advice for the past few weeks now (as far as I’ve noticed). Please stop. This is unhelpful at best and dangerous at worst.

    5. I'm Done*

      I hear you. I’m having the same issue. Had to have a bunch of medical tests and medication adjustments and after nothing serious was found, I canceled all remaining follow up appointments except for my endocrinologist. Next year, unless something comes up all I’m doing is my annual free check ups and one endo visit.
      And let’s not even get started on dental. I don’t understand why we don’t have better dental coverage in this country. Even with insurance, the out of pocket dental bills for more than a filling can run into the thousands.

    6. fposte*

      Might be worth getting a second opinion on the caps. You’re also free to say “We’re only dealing with immediate problems right now and that’s out of budget.”

      With other doctors, they may be limited on what they can do for things like medications if you don’t come back or get retested. But you can absolutely ask for what you want: “I can only afford limited medical appointments–could we just check in through the online chart system after my labs?” And it’s absolutely possible, especially with a specialist, to say “I feel like this information is enough to put me on top of this. I don’t think I need a return visit at this point.” I’m very fortunate on the insurance front but there are plenty of doctors (usually because of travel distance) to whom I’ve said “I won’t be able to manage more than a once a year appointment” or “I don’t think we need a followup appointment–I feel like I’ve gotten to where I need to be.”

      1. Girasol*

        Yes on that second opinion! When I needed $14K worth of multiple dental procedures I went for a check with another dentist. That was a tough decision, because my dentist had explained how my condition was quite dire, and visiting another dentist would just add even more to the daunting amount that I already had to spend, wouldn’t it? But the new dentist didn’t see that any work was needed. Ten years later, after nothing but regular cleanings, my teeth are still doing just fine. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m much better these days at observing whether doctors are pressing for unnecessary return checkups, tests, and treatments, and seeking a new doctor when I see that.

      2. Gnome*

        Getting to the doctor’s office adds a lot of burden to me, and now many are happy to do follow ups via telecom. This saves me time, and sometimes money.

    7. Vanellope*

      I agree, lay it out for your doctor. They literally don’t have any idea what the bottom line is to you – on my insurance summaries it shows what the office charges, the adjustment to get it to the contracted rate, the % my insurance pays, and then the part I’m responsible for. And that’s all for one line item for one insurance company – without taking deductibles into account! Our system is a mess. The doctors lay out a best case scenario and I’m sure will work with you on the parts that don’t work – maybe switching some visits to tele health visits to save time, dropping tests that aren’t absolutely necessary, etc. Its worth it to talk to them and see what they can do.

      In my own experience with this, I had two OB appointments a week at the end of my first pregnancy (I was high risk). One was completely covered by insurance and included an ultrasound, the other was much less involved and was costing me $150 each time! I told my doctor I could not do a $150 visit weekly for the next three months and they ended up doing two of the more involved visits each week that were covered by insurance. So I got extra ultrasounds and paid a lot less! None of it makes any sort of logical sense! But I’m sure whatever your conflicts are your doctor has heard it before. Good luck getting things figured out.

    8. KatEnigma*

      You just have to be firm. Honest and firm. Tell them what’s not going to work for you ask them how to fit things into your needs and budget. If they won’t work with you, find doctors that will.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      If you open with, “I have a high deductible plan,” that gives a great context to work with and to have a frank conversation about what’s essential and to set priorities. I personally feel it’s very important to see patients with high blood pressure or on birth control pills at least once a year and well controlled diabetes patients at least twice a year, for example, because I have to lay a stethoscope on them, and certain labs are really important to monitor kidneys and medication safety, but I do my best to meet my patients where they are in the real world.

      I absolutely don’t know how much many things cost in my office because every insurance plan, much less company, is different, but I keep an eye out for the cheaper meds and the cheaper pharmacies and I never let pharmaceutical reps in my office because I know I can get the perspective that Fancy Med will do something magic. That being said, some of the best diabetes meds right now in terms of heart and kidney protection are expensive and I do offer them unless my patients give me a hard no.

      There is a limit to how much most clinicians will monitor you over online messaging, both for safety and liability reasons and honestly for financial reasons. Messaging can eat up half your time and in a fee-for-service medical world you don’t get paid for that work and you still have to pay to run your practice, but again, most people want you to get care and will do all they can to make that happen. I hope this helps!

      I know it sucks.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        This. Entirely this. Haven’t met with a pharma rep or taken anything purchased with drug company money since 1987 (residency) and yes, that includes food. And every.single insurance plan is different including the ones from the same company since different employers buy different packages and then different employees choose different plans. It’s NUTS.

        My favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “the one that made me want to pull out all my hair”) was the time before the ACA when I had two patients on the same January day who needed mammograms. One needed a screening mammogram. The other found a lump and needed a diagnostic mammogram. Two days later I had messages from both patients. Patient 1: “Dr. Jay, my insurance says screening mammograms are subject to my deductible and diagnostic mammograms aren’t. Can you change the order?” Patient 2: “Dr. Jay, my insurance says diagnostic mammograms are subject to the deductible and screening aren’t. Can you change the order?” The answer to both was, of course, “no” which meant that neither patient got the test done in a timely manner.

        AARGHHH.

    10. JustEm*

      I think you can just tell them what you put here and they can prioritize. I’m a doctor, and would be happy to do that if someone was in your shoes.

      1. HoundMom*

        Doctors are in the business to make money. How do they make money? They have encourage people to visit often. The doctor is doing what is best for her and it may, or may not, truly be needed for you. You need to critically look at their recommendations and decide what works best for you.

    11. Gnome*

      I’m just honest and ask for what I want or need.
      Can we do this as a call rather than a visit? I’ve got a lot of expenses so I’m trying to prioritize things – what is necessary and what is nice to have? Heck, I’ve said things like: last time I had a sinus infection it didn’t fully clear after ten days of antibiotics and I had to come back in – does it make sense to start with a longer course?

  7. Heating accessories*

    I’m looking to replace an ancient pilly scratchy wool heating blanket with something more pleasant. I also keep hearing about heated mattress pads, but wonder about the poke factor of the wires. What do you own in the genre of “fabric you can plug in” that you’d recommend?

    1. ThatGirl*

      I had a heated mattress pad as a teen and it didn’t poke at all. That was like 25 years ago so i’m sure technology has improved since then even :)

    3. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I’m in the UK and adore – simply adore – my two plush heated throws. Not poky at all, mine are from Dreamland but if you look them up I’m sure you can find dupes.

    4. Four of ten*

      We had bad luck with electric blankets; they would quit working for some reason after a year or two. We then tried a heated mattress pad that lasted for over 20 years. No pokes. I think we replaced it but not because it quit working. Instead the fabric just kind of wore out. We’ve been using our second for quite a few years also. I am very satisfied with electric mattress pads.

    5. Eff Walsingham*

      I am going to be that annoying person here who tells about the time my Mum got up to get her book or something, and when she came back (within 5 minutes) her ESA-approved electric blanket had set the bed on fire!

      Yes, I know, it doesn’t happen often. And we’d had that blanket for a few years. But… the care instructions were followed, and it was a top brand, so from then on we had strict rules in our house. NO heating pad or electric blanket to be used while you were out of the room OR while you were asleep. Only to warm up the sheets for a few minutes before you got in.

      The burned part of the bed was up by the pillows, right where Mum’s hair would have been if she was in bed when it started. To this day, I just use a hot water bottle, so all I have to worry about is liquid malfunctions.

    6. KatEnigma*

      No poking at all.

      We lived on the Pacific side of San Francisco in an old workman’s cottage built in 1906. The wall heater in the wall 2 rooms away didn’t even begin to warm the room and it was COLD in that house year round. The heated mattress pad is the only thing that made sleeping doable- and this is from someone who loves a cool bedroom! It was also a sunbeam.

    7. Banana*

      I have a heated mattress pad from Sunbeam and I love it. The wires are not noticeable – when I am making the bed, I can feel where they are, but when I’m lying in bed I don’t notice them unless I am looking for them, except if I’m in the bed when it’s first heating up I can detect warmer and cooler spots for a very short while that tell me where the wires are.

      My bed is a queen, and the mattress pad has two zones with separate controls, which work perfectly for me because I run colder than my partner and we also have different sleeping schedules, so half the bed can be off or at a different temperature setting and it works like a dream. Easily one of my top 5 Christmas gifts ever.

    8. Girasol*

      My husband is as sensitive as the princess and the pea. He does feel the wires. But he asked if we couldn’t put the old quilted mattress pad over the heated one. That solved the problem. He loves the heated mattress pad.

      That said, does anyone know if you can use one safely on a metal-framed daybed?

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Just don’t run the cord between the mattress and the frame. Either run it between the frame and the floor, or turn the pad around so the cord is attached at the end closest to the outlet. The point is not to pinch the cord and risk a short.

    9. NotARacoonKeeper*

      I find heated mattress pads are more effective, and more comfortable. Blankets are meant to warm up, but mattresses (at least mine) is designed to stay cool, so I find it’s what takes longer to warm up on a cold night. I also find the wires less noticeable than on blankets (though the ones I’ve used are all probably 10yrs+ old).

      The exception is if you are using a memory foam mattress/topper, because the pad will prevent the foam from contouring as it’s designed to.

    10. JSPA*

      I’ve found memory foam toppers to be (unpleasantly) heat- capturing, to the point that they feel as warm as any heating pad. (Not merely perceptual- – the skin that’s been against the foam is much hotter to the touch.) Especially if you have or might get pets, or otherwise be at risk of damaging wires, it might be a safer alternative?

    11. MenolyYoga*

      I used a waterbed for about 20 years until my then husband and I separated. (We even took it with us when we moved to Germany for my job. It wasn’t too difficult to buy a 220v heater for it in the 1990s.) Eight years ago, when I stopped renting and bought a house for myself, I replaced it.
      The ability to set the temperature where I want it was well worth the hassle of spending hours online searching waterbed sellers. No in-town stores carry them anymore.
      There is a risk if you have cats, because obviously claws can make small holes in the mattress. The cats learned that they would get tossed off to the side if I woke up with cat fur in my face. (Note that the bedroom wall wasn’t far away due to the size of the bed.)

    12. Silence*

      I have a heated throw rug that goes over instead of under you which makes the wires less of an issue

  8. Spooky Sally*

    It feels like a fine line between being petty and setting boundaries, and I’m having trouble telling the difference. My father and I have some tension in our relationship these past few years. He’s the kind of dad that I could call in the middle of the night and say ‘I’m in trouble and the only way out of it is $1000 cash delivered to an unmarked car at midnight’ and he would do it without asking… but he won’t call me to check on me when I’ve been in a cast for four weeks for a broken bone. He’s good at taking direction, just not good at figuring out stuff on his own.

    I’ve asked him bluntly to please initiate some phone calls, rather than waiting for me to do it and then complaining that I’ve taken so long to call him. Also we live two hours apart and he insists that I always be the one to drive to him, visit and spend the night, which takes a full weekend to do. I’ve been pushing lately to meet halfway between us (a town with several restaurant options) and told him I could see him more often if he comprised a bit because then we could meet on weeknights for dinner. He’s done it once a year ago and hasn’t done it since.

    At this point, I’ve personally decided that I will not call him but wait for him to call me, and I’m going to stand firm on meeting in-between us, that I will keep being busy on weekends (not a hard ruse, my weekends book up fast) until he can meet me on a weeknight in the middle. Here’s where I might be petty. In a few weeks, I’m taking an overnight weekend trip to a location that’s an hour past his house. The timing of the trip would actually leave me able to drive to his house after work on Friday, spend the night, hang out Saturday morning, and then drive to my hotel and event Saturday afternoon. But I don’t want to give into his constant pleas for me to visit when he won’t compromise with me. So which side of the firm boundaries/total pettiness line am I on?

    1. YMMV*

      I totally get your frustration. My dad won’t initiate calls either, even though it’s very evident he loves to talk to me. I have finally had to give up and initiate the calls. In fact he even told me he wants me to, rather than make the calls himself. He has some reasons, none of which make sense to me but do fit into his personality/experiences. Do I think it’s fair? Nope. Does it bug me? Yes. But several recent incidents (with him and others) have reminded me that life is short and unpredictable. So at least on this, I’m doing it his way. It’s that or never talk to him, and we are both old enough now that that isn’t acceptable to me — I don’t know how much longer I’ll have him. YMMV.

      1. PhyllisB*

        On the phone calls, I understand his hesitation. I have three grown children and I tell them I would rather they initiate the calls because I never know what’s going on with them at any given time. The girls tell me if it’s not a good time, they will tell me or just not answer, but still…my compromise is to text ever so often. That way they can respond when it’s convenient. My son is not much of a chatter, so I send him texts with dumb jokes, puns, and odd trivia. He occasionally jokingly threatens to block me, but he admits he gets a chuckle out of them.
        I told you all this to say do you think you could get him to text you occasionally?
        On whether to stop and visit, if you enjoy spending time with your dad, I think you should. Life is too uncertain to stand on ceremony. I understand your frustration, but sometimes we have to accept people as they are.

        2. Squeakrad*

          Yes if he doesn’t want to call would he be willing to text?

          I myself am older but I have friends who are even older than I am. And they never call their kids. There’s something about the kids should check in with the parents that’s almost unconscious for them. But they admit that that’s the way it is and their adult children are willing to stay in touch as much as they need to. So I think everyone’s different.

          For the question you asked I think yes that would be kind of petty to deny him a visit when it’s really convenient for you. And you can frame it that” hey this thing came up that’s really convenient for me to come see you but that’s not always the case. Do you think we could compromise for future visit?”

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Boundaries. You’re not obligated to spend time with him just because you’re passing through his town.

    3. Come On Eileen*

      I definitely understand the feeling that one side consistently puts in more effort than another side in a friendship/relationship. This has happened to me with a few people in my life. In the end, I decided that I wanted their company and I wanted them in my life enough where I didn’t mind being the person who reached out more/invited more/put forth more energy to organizing our get-togethers. Because in the end, I got to spend time with a person I valued, so the bean-counting wasn’t worth it. (I am not saying that’s what you are doing, I am simply offering a different approach that might be worthwhile.) I never want to have regrets about not spending enough time with the people I value most.

    4. My name is Tim Kono*

      Yeah my dad is pretty much the same as yours and my brother even more so.

      How I get over it? Well, life is short, and sometimes I think about if my dad keeled over and died how would I feel about being petty then? Sometimes it’s just worth picking up the phone instead of waiting for him to initiate or in your case, you are driving right by his house (although I’m sure you don’t need to stay the night unless you wanted to depending on your travel plans).

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Our family definitely has this “the busy person calls the less busy person” norm. My daughter usually calls me when she is walking to the gym, for example.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Does Dad make driving trips of similar or longer duration, compared to the distance to OP or the central diner? Because not being up for driving far, or for driving after dark, could explain a lot of this.

    6. Double A*

      I think your overall boundaries are good. I think if the only reason you wouldn’t see him on this specific trip is to prove a point but when you were less annoyed with him you’d happily fit it in, then this instance is falling on the petty side of things. Basically, you want to see him on your terms (which are a reasonable compromise), and it sounds like this trip would be, because you’ll be deciding if you want to do it. You don’t have to, but if it’s easy to do it and you do value seeing your dad when you do see him, why not see him on a trip when there wasn’t friction about the logistics of how it happened?

    7. Cedrus Libani*

      You would like your dad to be better at taking initiative. Barring a personality transplant, it doesn’t sound like that’s happening. Your choice is whether you want the guy in your life, exactly as he is – and it sounds like you do, and I won’t argue. That means you’re doing the work of keeping in touch. Not ideal, but doable.

      You can do as much of the work as you feel like doing. If he complains, you can remind him that phones work both ways, as do roads, and if he’d like more of you then he can do some of the work himself. Seeing him less than you actually want to see him won’t help either of you, and won’t change him either – he is what he is.

      1. blue giraffe*

        Everything in this answer. Do you want him in your life or not?

        The other question I’d ask is: your parameters to visit your dad require him to drive some distance – the town halfway between you – at night. Is he ok with this? Does he drive that much at night? As people get older, it gets harder to drive, especially at night. He may not have the consciousness for understanding that (he may just not “like” to drive at night, where the “like” means he’s uncomfortable, and may not fully understand why, let alone have the words to express it). So, this may not be the case (yet) but it’s something to consider. It’s often hard to see the limitations in our parents.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Great response, Blue Giraffe!! I got in the weeds on the phone calls and forgot to address the driving issue. I’m 71, and I don’t really like to drive at night anymore, especially in an unfamiliar area. Also hearing problems. It’s harder for me to hear in a noisy environment like a restaurant, and when I talk on my phone I usually put it on speaker because it’s easier for me to hear. So all these things could be an issue and he just doesn’t want to admit it.

        2. ShinyPenny*

          This. Driving at night was something I absolutely took for granted as a younger person. It was not even on my radar as “a thing.”
          Eventually, it becomes a thing! It’s pretty shocking and unexpected when it happens to you.
          Also, I notice that people often feel some shame about it when they first start realizing they prefer to avoid driving after dark. Of the people I know well enough that we talk about “personal failings” and “feelings” (lol) every person has mentioned struggling with (misplaced!) feeling of shame about it.
          So, I don’t know your Dad, but I’m guessing that if this is in play he’s really unlikely to be able to verbalize it to you.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think there’s a wrong answer to the visit issue. In general, you want the rule to be “I don’t want to be the only one experiencing any inconvenience regarding visits.” In this case, you wouldn’t be unreasonably inconvenienced, so making time to see your father makes sense. But… if the visit would be poisoned by your resentment, it’s not worth it. So I think you should go if the issue is only that you’ve set this internal rule, but you shouldn’t go if the issue is that you will feel misused if you do go.

      In the future, I think it’s reasonable to visit him when it’s truly convenient for you (like this time), and to suggest meeting half-way otherwise. When he says he wants to see you, say “sure, let’s meet at Half-Way Town on Wednesday.” If he says he can’t or won’t do that, cheerfully respond, “that’s too bad, maybe another time!”

      My advice for phone calls is to text him a prompt. “I’m free now, give me a call.” If he doesn’t, then too bad.

      I also think that this is worth one more serious conversation if you haven’t already had it. If you do see him in person, can you tell him how much it hurts you and makes you feel unloved that he doesn’t reciprocate these things? Not, “you don’t do the same labor as me and that’s unfair,” but “when you don’t reach out to me I feel [emotions] and it’s really harming our relationship.”

    9. JSPA*

      Oooh, I’d really bend on most of this, except frequency of visits.

      None of it is overstepping or harmful on your parent’s part; it’s you trying to tell them what sort of parent (and what sort of person) they ought to be, and that strikes me as over-reach.

      Above all– with age, night vision and safe driving are not a given. And it’s tough for a parent to admit to a kid that they no longer feel entirely safe, driving home in the dark.

      Additionally, as hearing gets worse, in person meetings are much more enjoyable than phone calls, but again, people are not quick to say, “I’m not hearing as well as I used to.”

      If you want to be treated as an adult, and I presume you do, that means you need to be as solicitious for your parent, as they are for you…and then with time, it morphs entirely to you being in the caring role. Demanding that they treat you as more fragile and needy is a step backwards, not a step forwards, in the evolution of your relative roles.

      And more generally…if you want to talk to someone, call them; if you don’t, then don’t.

      You can ask a parent to call, even if they’re not feeling the need to talk.

      You can promise a parent that you will not feel it to be an intrusion, if they call.

      But to incrementally demote your parent from full parent status because they don’t anticipate your need to be called…that is something that you’re highly likely to regret, when they’re no longer around.

      And, well, it’s destabilizing to realize that age comes for all of us, and that we’re going to end up as the carer, not the cared-for; but that’s not something your parent is doing to you. That’s just life.

      Mind you, if you don’t have time, visit less! But make the bulk of the effort, when you do visit; having that pattern in place will help when the time comes that you’re scared silly, at the idea of your parent driving after dark (or driving at all).

        1. Clisby*

          +100. I don’t know how old this father is, but I’m 69 and no way would I drive an hour anywhere at night. It’s not safe. An hour in the middle of the day? Sure – but that pretty much means on a weekend.

      2. allathian*

        I guess it’s a family & cultural issue. I take it for granted that as the person who is in the middle of the sandwich that I and my sister make the most effort to keep in touch with parents and in-laws. 9 times out of 10 I’m the one who calls my mom. My mom doesn’t drive anymore and my dad no longer wants to drive at night. This means that they’ll happily host us, especially if we help with food prep and do the washing-up afterwards. Of course it helps that they live 20 minutes away…

      3. HannahS*

        This is somewhere I land, too. I don’t think it’s helpful to expect symmetry. My relationship with my parents was highly asymmetrical until I moved out-they gave, I received. Someday, that will be almost fully inverted. Right now, I reach out more and visit more, but they provide occasional childcare. The give-and-take fluctuates over the lifespan.

      4. WellRed*

        Yes! Thank you! I’m 52. I’m unable to see well at night anymore and frankly, I’m tired. It happens.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this. I’m 50 and I’ve noticed that my night vision isn’t as good as it was. So I don’t blame my dad for not wanting to drive at night, when I don’t…

        2. The OG Sleepless*

          I’m 55 and I don’t love driving at night any more either, especially on interstates. I feel like my vision is fine, but something just doesn’t feel right. Plus, I’ve never been a night person, but suddenly it’s exhausting for me to be out much past 9:30.

          1. allathian*

            Oh, me too. We haven’t celebrated NYE since 2019, and the relief is indescribable. I usually go to bed by 10.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      I think you might be at BEC stage because you’ve sacrificed more weekends traveling than you were actually happy to do. Is it possible you were more tolerant of his faults/strength lists before you had been so personally put out? I think you’re right to avoid doing any and all behaviours which puts you into resentment mode. I don’t think the trip which you could easily manage counts, and there’s really no point in trying to train people. If you could do the trip gladly, do it gladly and remain holding out on boundaries of what is/isn’t too much for you going forward. You’ll feel helpless and angry if you try to control other people’s expectations and habits; simply take charge of your own. In short if you can go and get something out of it, you’re not backing down. If you can’t get something out of it, then that’s okay too.

    11. PsychNurse*

      I think this is a situation where you can’t get someone to change— so your options are accept them as they are, or be done. Now, I know you don’t want to “be done” with your father! So you have to just make peace with who he is. And the fact that he responds so loyally when you ASK him is not to be overlooked— that is a really fortunate thing to have in a parent. Try not to refuse the visit out of spite.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my. How many times I had to remind myself that there are no perfect parents. And yet, our parents have tremendous power to cut/wound us. Just because we know they aren’t perfect, does not make it hurt LESS.

      I don’t disagree with what others have written here because this is about finding your own path. Each of us chooses something slightly different from others.

      Guilt is not a good decision maker for me. I end up angry and resentful. So what I did was I decided that I would GIFT my father with accommodations that I was not willing to give other family members. And that was because of his rank as “father”. Once it became a gift to him (in my mind) the anger/frustration subsided and the caring stepped in.

      Yes, I deliberately decided that there was no one else in my life (except my husband) that I would break my back for the way I did him.

      Additionally, I chose to focus on what he was good at. He was super smart. If I had a real puzzling dilemma I could count on him to break it into manageable pieces. He had a remarkable way of thinking about things and looking at things.
      I was also interested in hearing family stories or stories from his life. I had become aware that my opportunity to hear these things was narrowing down.
      I am an average cook. But he would fuss and tell me many times how good dinner was. I enjoyed that, even if I am not so sure the meal deserved it.
      Take a minute to figure out what he is good at.

      My suggestion to you, is go visit him when it is reasonable and tell yourself it’s your gift to him. He is probably not going to change at this stage. But that does not mean you have to knock yourself out. You have considerations that are just as weighty as his. Gas costs money.
      Time is limited for you because of work and other things. If he is so interested in seeing you he *could* move closer to you.

      Last. And warning this is a sad one. I told myself, “I will do this for a while, then I will never do it again.” So instead of focusing on guilt, my focus became, “I tried very hard in the ways that I could.” And, not a surprise, but I wasn’t a perfect daughter, either. So it goes.

    13. I'm Done*

      How old is your dad and how is his health? If he’s fairly young and in good health I might stick to my guns. That being said, it might bother you more than him. If he’s older, he might not feel comfortable driving longer distances or driving in the dark but doesn’t like to admit it. Have you ever outright asked him why he won’t come out to see you or why he doesn’t call you? And what will happen if you continue to boycott him and nothing changes?

    14. fposte*

      I would be annoyed in your situation too. This isn’t fair. But I also think your plan seems less like boundaries and more an attempt to teach him a lesson, and I don’t know that compromise is a reasonable hill to choose to die on at the expense of a relationship you actually seem to value. Assume he’s not going to learn the lesson. How often do you want to see him and what are you prepared to do to achieve that? Are you genuinely never going to talk to your dad again if he doesn’t drive to see you? That’s your right, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re really going for.

      I can see the use of a cooling off period where you take a while not to initiate and just let the irritation settle a little, and I would absolutely head off any complaining about how you never call immediately: “Phones work both ways, Dad. So how’s the pickleball/yard/grandkids?” But I think if you want him in your life, it will be with you initiating. So given that framework, what do you want to do? I like regularity for stuff like that because I don’t have to think about it, so I’d pick a regular day and rough time where I’d call him. And seeing your dad less is okay, especially if you have a lot going on; you definitely don’t have to spend the night whether he insists or not.

      What he probably wants, like many parents, is to see you every day, so anything short of that will make him miss you. Given that, there’s no point in giving more trying to please him, since it probably won’t, and it definitely doesn’t please you. The benefit of being the initiator is you have full control over the time of phone calls and visits.

    15. KatEnigma*

      Umm.. both?

      I think you need to accept the father you have, not the one you wished you had. He’s never going to be great about calling you first. You have to decide what you can live with.

      And do you want to “win” (win what?) or do you want to see your dad? Which is more important to you- honestly.

      And then I want you to consider your dad’s age, and perhaps that he doesn’t feel safe driving 2 hours, or driving an hour after dark, and doesn’t want to admit that. My FIL made us so incredibly mad because they’d fly into and stay on the N side of Chicago when we lived on the South side of Milwaukee (an hour door to door) and we’d invite them for dinner, etc. and he always had 1000 excuses to turn us down and why WE had to drive to THEM (including a HUGE lie once, about my husband’s grandfather being on death’s door- we walked in to him eating ice cream, perfectly healthy) Even after we’d had a discussion with them and they’d agreed to come to us at least half the time. So we had a big blow out one visit about it, and then my FIL finally yelled at us that we were AH’s because he can’t see to drive at night and apparently that should have been obvious to us, or we shouldn’t have made him admit it, or something. And he hadn’t even told my MIL and hated to let her drive. He finally had cataract surgery this spring (7 years later…) as we now live an hour from them and my SIL lives 40 minutes from them and we were objecting to his plans to eat “dinner” at 3pm so he could get back before dark…

      1. allathian*

        So, how did it work out? Are you driving more often? That’s toxic masculinity for you, it’s almost always men who have trouble admitting their frailty as they age. And what’s the deal about not wanting his wife to drive? More toxic masculinity crap, or was he worried about her ability to drive safely at night? (Granted, in women that fear of aging often shows up in concerns about their looks instead.)

        2. KatEnigma*

          And not that it’s any of your business, but you are so wrong about my FIL that it’s ridiculous. No that wasn’t his finest moment, but he’s human and aging is hard.

          He provided at least 80% of the child care on their 4 kids, because my MIL is an OB/GYN. His cleaning isn’t up to her generational OCD standards, so he hired a cleaning person to do that part. On top of working full time jobs as a computer engineer as he followed my MIL around the country. In the 1970’s and 80’s! As he aged and it became impossible to be hired as a 50+ computer engineer especially in the small remote towns she was drawn to later in her career, he took jobs as diverse as school bus driver and Walmart greeter to still cover a share of bills. All while providing free tech support to her practice. In the early 90’s, again for free, he used his building skills to build a Rape Crisis Center in a Major Metro Area that my MIL and her partner ran for many years. He is literally a card carrying member of NOW and is probably THE most liberal person I know, and one who puts his money and his actions where his mouth is.

          He is a side seat driver, and neither my MIL nor my HUSBAND like to drive with him in the car. My SIL actually does best- she tells him off. Which he respects. He’s not perfect. He’s human. I could tell you stories about my MIL trying to cover up and deny her aging too. They are both 70 or nearing 70.

          But to declare him toxic based on one anecdote and use it as an excuse to go on and on in misandry? That shows way more about you than about him.

    17. Ann Ominous*

      You’re totally in the firm boundaries side. This is a lot of emotional labor for you to be doing and you’re right to do what brings you peace. Would it be helpful for you to have words to verbalize to him why this bothers you (to present a ‘legit enough’ reason) or no?

      I tried doing what you described, making him do his part of the emotional labor of keeping a relationship going, and my dad literally just never reached out. When I do see him, he’s genuinely overjoyed to spend time with me and truly loves all his kids – he just doesn’t have some mental switch, or something. It’s hurtful to me and I feel sad about it. I’ve told him about it and he’s genuinely horrified but still doesn’t change. I am turning a corner and just accepting him as he is because I do want a relationship with him.

      If yours is a dad that responds well to direct guidance, one option would be for you to have the convo with him (to whatever degree of detail you feel like, which could be minimal) and tell him “on x days/with x frequency you will call me/ you will come over to me/you will make restaurant reservations at x place, and on y days I will come over to you” and just make it automatic? Do you have a sense that would work?

    18. Cacofonix*

      Your solution, while understandable, is borne by frustration which won’t serve you well. You’ve told him your needs. He will not change. If it were me, I would examine what *I* need to maintain a relationship with my dad. For me, that might mean a phone call each week and visiting when it works for you, such as your upcoming trip. My goal would be the relationship itself and to make sure he’s safe, because I care about that. In return, I’d tell him that’s what I’m doing and that he can change frequency of calls and visits anytime if he does the calling/visiting. Meantime, I’d be clear that complaints about it will end the visit or call. By that I mean literally leave his house, or say my goodbyes and hang up, calmly, firmly, immediately. I’ve done this in my life and it works for me.

      No use in not calling or visiting if it also pains you.

    19. RagingADHD*

      Unless your dad is saying and doing hurtful things that caused the tension, you are all the way 100 percent on the petty side.

      If you would be perfectly fine never seeing your dad again, this is the way to do it. The whole game of not calling to force him to call first is some seriously passive-aggressive nonsense.

      You’re an adult. The journey of a healthy parent-child relationship is from them taking care of your physical and emotional needs, to more of a 50-50 balance, and then to a point where you take care of them.

      That last switch is just as difficult and fraught a transition as launching from home and becoming an equal was. But it is inevitable, and the emotional side happens before the physical side.

      We all have to come to terms at some point with the fact that our parents are limited human beings who are not going to meet our expectations of what the relationship “should” be like. For some, that failure is severe and pervasive. For others, it is more contained but still very real.

      Talk to your dad. Set up a schedule of calling and visiting that may not be as much as he’d like, but is regular so he knows when to expect it.

      And if you are literally driving past his house, tell him so and go see him.

      Again, the caveat here is *if you are not trying to cut him off.*

      If you want to go low/ no contact and are just nibbling around the edges, maybe it’s time to admit it.

    20. Love for EEAAO*

      This would frustrate me too –– totally get where you’re coming from.

      That said, I’ve been where you are, tried what you want to, and it didn’t work out for me. Years ago, I went through a period with one of my best friends (S) where I’d always be the one calling her, she’d never be the one calling me. And (like you with your dad) it hurt. So I stopped calling, to see how long it would take her to reach me, and that was the end of our friendship.

      I’ve regretted that decision since. I’ve come to better understand the stresses that were on S at that point in our lives, now that I’m experiencing some similar stresses, and in any case, S and I had seen each other through a lot.

      All that to say. It’s possible that there are things on your dad’s plate that make initiating phone calls harder than you think, but even if they’re not, if you choose not to call, you should be prepared for your relationship to change in ways that you can’t predict right now.

    21. Eff Walsingham*

      IMO the line between boundaries and pettiness is: would you *enjoy* the time spent with him on your trip? If you would, then it would be petty to deny both of you the chance to visit. But if the visit would be a drag, then in your place I’d be inclined to avoid it also.

      My FIL wants his offspring to call. He will text “call me”. He will complain to one kid if he feels neglected by another. We must call, we must visit (when possible), we must make a show of deferring to him, ‘Godfather’ style. Because he’s the Daddy, the Granddaddy, the Big Man. It is not his most attractive trait. But we love him. And he’s a great storyteller. And he’s the last parent either of us have. So we make an effort to accommodate his whims, when we can, because we don’t want to hurt his feelings and because we’ll probably outlive him.

      I would suggest that you decide how you value your time, what’s important to you personally, and how you think the probable outcomes will affect you in the long run. This is not something where I think other people’s experiences are helpful in choosing what to do.

    22. Aphrodite*

      I would and do expect a more even keel if we are talking about friends’ efforts to stay in touch. Even siblings who are not much older need to put forth more or less even effort. But … parents are different. They are older, they may have physical concerns over driving distances, or they may just be more tired or feel they put forth so much effort when they were younger and the family was young that they feel they have done “their” part.

      I encourage you to not take his stance personally. I believe you should be the one putting forth more effort, though not at the cost of a lot of your weekends, just some. If you can, think ahead to when he will be gone. I can’t predict the future but I can tell you that I am now very glad I drove down to see my parents, who lived an hour-and-a -quarter south of me, on a regular basis even when I didn’t feel much like it.

      Put forth some effort. I think you will be glad you did.

    23. Ann Ominous*

      Someone made a good point. Could he be uncomfortable about driving but not want to admit it?

    24. MeepMeep123*

      How old is he? How’s his health? Old men have a lot of aches and pains and minor and major problems that they won’t tell their children about (ask me how I know that one), and it may in fact be physically hard for him to drive to where you are, and emotionally hard to admit to weakness. He may be an uncertain driver by now, which he will never admit to you. He may have back pains if he drives for too long. He’ll never tell you that either. If he is generally a loving father and if he’s there for you when you need him, it’s worth cutting him some slack.

      My father is 83, and exactly the same sort of person. I love him to pieces, and I know he loves me and would do anything he could to help me when I need it. And I know that he’s got physical and cognitive limitations by now, and I definitely for sure know that he literally can’t drive for very long. When we go on road trips with my parents, I let him drive for 30 minutes to save face, and then he takes a nap for the rest of the trip while I drive because it tires him out so much. His vision is not too great either – he’s got macular degeneration, so he really shouldn’t be driving at night. When my parents lived in another state, I did all the visiting – they pretty much never came to visit us. I was annoyed by that, especially when I had a toddler to wrangle, but I also understood. I’m glad I did not press the issue.

    25. Unum Hoc Scio*

      How about a weekly phone call to catch up? You could plan to visit once a month or once every two months depending on how busy you are. Boundary set, accommodations made.

    26. Dancing Otter*

      When my parents were alive, the out-of-town offspring were on a schedule for phone calls. (Some of them, anyway.) Dad *planned* around that schedule. If something conflicted, like a concert or congregational dinner, the call was *always* rescheduled in advance. He didn’t place the calls, but this was when his land line would have charged long distance fees whereas their cell plans didn’t. So it wasn’t one-sided, just sensible. No guilt-ing or resentment about who called whom or how often.
      Given that I drove an hour each way for Sunday dinners almost every week for years, I have nothing to add to the visiting topic. At least, is it possible he isn’t as good a driver as he used to be? Or isn’t comfortable driving after dark? Or maybe being far from a bathroom on a long drive? There may be Reasons.

    27. The Other Dawn*

      I feel you’re being petty and treating the relationship as transactional, and not just in the last paragraph where you mention the overnight trip.

      I’m of the mind that once we move out and are living on our own, it’s up to us to check in on our parents.

      My parents had me when they were 36 and 40, so when I moved out on my own (and they moved out of state), they were 55 and 59. Not old, but not 36/40 anymore. It was mostly me (and my four siblings) doing the calling, though my mom would call here and there to fill in the gaps. My dad would never call simply because he didn’t care to sit on the phone and chat, though we’d talk for a few minutes when I called and then he’d say, “Want to talk to your mother?” My siblings and I did probably 75% of the visiting since it was a three-hour drive. And this was fine. When my mom died, it was then 100% on all us to do the calling since my dad wasn’t one to initiate calls, although he enjoyed talking when someone called him. Really the only time he called me was when he had a computer question (that was always fun…LOL) or if he needed to ask or tell me something about holiday arrangements. We all did nearly all of the visiting, unless he drove down with my sister who was living with him, since he was getting older and we were getting nervous about his driving abilities, declinging eyesight, and other issues. But again, this was fine.

      You don’t mention your dad’s age or the state of his health. Is he hard of hearing or forgetful? Maybe that’s why he doesn’t call. Or maybe he’s just not a phone person, like my dad. Is his eyesight declining or does he have chronic pain or other physical issues that would affect his ability to drive what sounds to be maybe 50-60 miles, potentially in the dark?

      As someone PhyllisB said, “Life is too uncertain to stand on ceremony.”

    28. BookMom*

      You’re not alone. My mom puts all the heavy lifting of calling and visiting on me, and it’s so exhausting. And frankly we don’t see each other or talk nearly as often as we would if she reciprocated even a little. But, after a lot of hurt feelings, especially when my kids were little and she wouldn’t come for their birthdays or baptism/first communion, etc, I realized she was not going to change. It’s rotten. I have the same thoughts you do. But whatever real or perceived barriers she has, they are what they are, and I try to just enjoy the time I do see or talk to her. *Virtual hugs from one sandwich generation person to another*

    29. Don'tbeadork*

      If this trip is doable, then do it. You don’t want to regret wasting an opportunity just to prove a point — that’s petty. You can still hold to your boundaries at other times.

    30. Irish Teacher*

      My question would be what are you aiming for in all this? If you are aiming to make your father change and contact you more often…well, that’s something you have limited control over. What you are doing may work and it may not. How would you feel if it didn’t change his behaviour any and just meant you saw him less? Would that be a source of relief to you? (Less travelling, etc.) Or would it be a source of disappointment?

      I was actually just saying to somebody this morning in a separate conversation that the difference between boundaries and being argumentative is in the intent. Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not about hurting the other person. Now obviously, being argumentative/cruel/mean doesn’t come in here. You clearly aren’t trying to hurt your father just for the sake of it. This was a separate discussion I was having and not all of it is relevant, but I think the point about boundaries being about protecting yourself is relevant.

      Aside from how your father responds at all, because that is something outside your control, are these decisions ones you need to make to reduce your own stress/because the travelling is too much for you/because you need a break/any other reason I haven’t thought about or is it just to make a point? I don’t think the latter is necessarily wrong but I do think it’s not really about boundaries at that point. Boundaries are more “I am not able to/choose not to do this and it’s up to you what you do on your side” and less “I’m not going to do this in the hopes it will get you to do…” Boundaries are focussed on you; they aren’t about trying to encourage another person to change their behaviour.

      I’m not saying you are wrong to make the decisions you have made, just that I think you should maybe take the focus off what he is doing or not doing and think about whether these choices are the right ones for you as they stand. I mean, work on the assumption that nothing he does will change and that this will simply mean you see him less or not at all, is that what you want?

      And also, this may not be at all true of your relationship with your father but sometimes, different people bring different things to a relationship. I have a friend who regularly complains about minor issues in her life, then completely brushes me off whenever I have a difficulty, which sounds very unfair and unequal, but on the other hand, she has gone out of her way to drive me an hour home on occasion and has gone with me to events she would have no interest in but came just because I did.

      Now, none of this may be relevant to your situation. I think only you can decide what is the right thing to do here. You know the full situation and the rest of us don’t. These are just some thoughts I had.

    31. happy*

      Oh boy, this hits home! I felt the same way… let dad call ME for once. Only he didn’t. Then I decided to accept him the way he is and started to initiate all calls/visits. Come to find out, he was in the early stages of dementia and had serious memory lapses. Dad passed away 2 weeks ago and I’m so glad I spent the last few years reaching out. I would have missed all that. My advice is to go call your dad and tell him you love him!

  9. Not The Mama*

    Is there anything I can do to comfort a friend who is a new mom and is so anxious about her baby getting sick? I have a friend who now has a six month old, her first child. Between Covid, breast-feeding issues that caused a trip to urgent care, and allergies to formula, my friend is understandably a bit anxious when it comes to her babies health aside from normal new mom stuff. The baby started daycare a few weeks ago and has been sick twice cents. My take on it, seeing other members of my family and coworkers send their kids to daycare and immediately come home with everything because now they’re being exposed to more babies, and babies catch everything, is that this is normal to be sick so frequently. But my friend is so upset and worried, and also bummed because so many of their plans with friends and family keep getting canceled because of the sick little one. Is there anything I can do or say to show her that this is normal? I know I can erase the worry completely, but she seems to think that all this is out of the ordinary when it seems fairly standard to me. Is it normal or do I have the wrong point of view?

    1. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I think by normal you mean common.
      They’re not quite the same, though.
      And it is not okay for you to blow off her concerns.
      Maybe she is really concerned because RSV has hit hard, fast and early this year and children’s hospitals are swamped. She doesn’t want that to be her kid.
      Maybe she’s struggling with postpartum anxiety.
      Maybe she’s simply overwhelmed.
      Maybe it really IS out of the ordinary and you’re just dismissive because it’s happening to her and not you.
      No matter what it is, you need to immediate STOP trying to tell her how she should feel about what’s happening in her life.
      Do you want to be a comfort to her or do you just want her to shut up? Because it sounds to me like you want the latter.
      If you really do want to comfort her, listen. Don’t think about what you can tell her, or convince her, or help her see your take on it. Just listen and validate her very real struggles.
      Or maybe DO something to help her. Take in food. Watch the baby for a bit so she can nap or shower. Offer to bring groceries. Anything to help lift the load.

      1. JSPA*

        This. The level of sickness is higher (RSV is resurgent; people are spacing out on needing flu shots as much as ever; Covid is in the mix; children’s hospitals are already pretty slammed). The level of outside support is lower (ditto the staffing at clinics and hospitals). The risks of entering the medical system are higher. Thus the talk of the incipient “tridemic.”

        And there are still formula shortages, questionable formula, and general shortages, that make stocking up on needs for a kid with allergies, tougher.

        If you think that infection after infection is no big deal, you can offer to sit for her sick baby, to give her a break (knowing that you’ll be catching whatever-it-is).

        Is it 20% rougher / riskier, 50% rougher / riskier, double-bad? Who knows. But it’s (by the numbers) worse than usual, and usual was already rough.

        1. KatEnigma*

          My 5 yr old has his second ever fever this morning- 101. He didn’t even have a fever when he was positive for Covid! His school’s first grade class had to shut down yesterday because so many kids and the teacher have the flu. It’s a shame that he’s having to miss Halloween weekend stuff, but we’re hoping he’s over it enough to trick or treat on Monday. (which, being outdoors, we don’t have to worry about his spreading it to others)

    2. bratschegirl*

      FWIW, grandkid just recently started preschool (toddler class, too young for masks) and has been sick at least one day every week since then. Colds, double ear infection, croup, yadda yadda. It’s totally expected when kids first expand their germ-sharing circle, and totally terrifying in these times of Covid and RSV. I don’t think I’d be capable of taking it in stride as a new parent right now.

    3. Double A*

      My kids have literally been sick every 2 weeks since the start of the school year. I don’t feel like they even fully recover; they just have constant runny noses that ebb and flow into full blown colds. It is both the way it is and also deeply frustrating. Also to transition from being afraid of illness all the time to suddenly being sick all the time and you just literally don’t even know if you should care anymore is…rough. what even is risk. Will I ever sleep again. Oh also I’m constantly fighting off some bug or another probably that doesn’t outright become an illness but saps like 20% of my energy. Also that feels like depression or maybe it just is depression. We’re finally making plans again but it’s literally 50/50 if we’ll be able to do the plans. We always mask because we’re always probably contagious. Ugh I’m tired.

      Anyway sorry, what was the question again?

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        Just want to say we’re right there with you. My eight month old has had daycare crud since he started in August, and twice it’s gotten to “can’t go for a week” levels of sickness (first bacterial sinusitis and now RSV). It is *rough* out there. It’s a huge bummer to have to cancel plans regularly. It’s challenging getting mildly sick (at minimum) as an adult all the time, too.

        By nature my wife and I are pretty chill parents, and we aren’t overworriers about illness. But like, you can’t do much to help a sick baby who isn’t at hospitalization levels of illness. Antibiotics if it’s bacterial, tylenol/Motrin for pain, lots of liquids, humidifier, rest and cuddles. That’s it, pretty much. There’s no baby cough medicine or cold medicine or anything like that. It’s awful.

        1. Double A*

          Yes, for the OP that last point is so important. Even when it’s normal, or what everyone is dealing with…it still super sucks when you’re in the middle of it. Being sick sucks, being sick constantly sucks even more. And then having nothing you can do but wait…ugh.

          Honestly OP since there is literally nothing to be done to improve the situation, just being a patient listener and affirming that illness sucks and offering to pick up stuff from the store is the best you can do.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Wow, I feel for you, and I don’t even have kids. Yeah, the mental/emotional toll of truly being in a very dangerous health situation all the time and never really knowing if you might be giving something deadly to others so that you’re constantly cancelling things and wearing masks forever . . . . It’s a lot.

        My @#$%#$%ing doctor told me in the middle of a half-hour appointment Thursday that she was only five days post covid. Now, I don’t feel comfortable going in to teach and potentially exposing my students, so on to Zoom we go AGAIN for a bit until it’s been long enough that I can get an accurate PCR. It’s exhausting.

      3. KatEnigma*

        We haven’t made it to church two weeks in a row (and the trend continues!) since school started.

        1. Double A*

          Yeah we have dance class on Saturdays and I believe we make it exactly half of the time. Didn’t make it today because the sniffles bloomed back into a cold!

          1. KatEnigma*

            I was mistaken. 5 yr old was sufficiently recovered by bedtime last night (slept for basically 2 days, was running around before bedtime) that he and my husband went to church this morning so he could go to trunk or treat after, while I stayed home with the bug. He coughed in my face on Friday while I was trying to take his temperature… LOL

            But he missed his regular gymnastics class yesterday and then the big party at the gym last night. He would have missed the fall festival at school on Friday afternoon, but thunderstorms postponed it until tomorrow.

    4. Washi*

      Soo I’m wondering if what’s really going on is your friend is wearing you out with her constant baby anxiety. I have a friend like this who just goes in circles with her kid anxiety and just seems to want to dump it on me to an extent that it doesn’t really feel like a conversation anymore.

      I have a 5 month old with some feeding and sleeping issues we’re still working on and I am pretty anxious about him all the time. But I have to be conscious of ruminating over it with friends and honestly, especially with friends who don’t have kids. Just like I talk about my hobbies differently with someone who shares them.

      I’ve had to limit conversations with my super anxious friend and change the topic when I notice I’m getting really frustrated. You’re not going to convince her to not be anxious about something that is legitimately pretty stressful, but you don’t have to talk about it constantly if you’re not up for it.

      1. PsychNurse*

        Yes this is what I was going to say. If you (the OP) think that it feels excessive, it likely is. Many, many new moms struggle with anxiety and OCD-type symptoms. If she is struggling with obsessive fears (obsessive meaning ones that go round-and-round with no resolution), it is absolutely not helpful to be told “Yes you’re right to worry about that, it’s reasonable!” if it isn’t. Neither is reassurance helpful: “Oh don’t worry, your baby will be fine.” The thing that actually would be helpful would be to see a therapist who is trained in anxiety— and postpartum anxiety would be even better.

        When my son was born, I (who already had sort of latent mild OCD) flipped in to fully obsessive thoughts. Mine weren’t about illness but they were definitely circular and obsessive. I would sometimes bring them up at mommy group, and the response was basically “Yeah it’s a scary world out there!” and it was clear the other moms weren’t experiencing what I was. I never saw a therapist, but I did find a great deal of self-help and supportive info online and was able to get on top of the problem pretty quickly.

    5. allathian*

      This happens, it’s just life with a baby right now. I guess I’m glad that things were better when my son went to daycare. He was sick every other week, but he was also 2 years old when he started in daycare, and there are many more treatment options for kids that age.

    6. Nack*

      It seems like you want to make your friend stop worrying/just get on with it and… I don’t think that’s a realistic goal at all. You can’t change how she feels. It also sounds like you don’t have kids, which limits how much you can probably influence her opinions on this. Telling her that all the babies you know (and spend limited time with) also get sick will not be the comfort you think it will, even if it’s accurate.

      As a mom who struggled with undiagnosed postpartum anxiety (didn’t even know that was a thing, though I heard plenty about PPD), having someone tell me my baby was sick would have not made me feel comforted; it would have made me think that friend was clueless and insensitive. My worries would have gone far beyond “will my baby survive this common cold.” It’s likely your friend is also worrying about how SHE will survive more sleepless nights, fussy days, missed work, missed pay, keeping up with the household, loneliness and isolation due to canceled plans, etc while possibly being under the weather herself.

      As a new mom with a sick baby, if I had a friend that wanted to support me, I wouldn’t want to hear that it was normal. I’d want someone to offer to bring over a meal, run a couple errands, chat on the phone, or even watch the baby so I could nap/shower/ etc.

      I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh. After I had my first kid, my husband and I both realized how totally clueless we were about life with babies and how totally unhelpful we had been to our friends who had kids before we did! But we didn’t know what we didn’t know :)

      1. allathian*

        Oh boy, what you said rings so true. I wasn’t particularly anxious about my baby once his pediatrician and pediatric nurses persuaded me that he was basically healthy (I was anxious for a few months after birth because he spent his first two days in NICU with hypoglycemia). He had his first cold when he was 6 months, but other than that, he only had his regular pediatric checkups until he went to daycare when he was 2.

        But the first year in daycare, oh boy, I was so glad he had insurance so that we could visit a private clinic on the same day he got sick without waiting in the ER for who knows how long. In US terms, it was ridiculously cheap, about 1,000 euros per year, and with a copay of only 100 euros for the first visit of the year, after that, no copays at all.
        It was without a doubt the best investment we ever made. He was prone to ear infections, and just the surgeries to insert the ear ventilation tubes cost more than a year’s insurance, never mind all the other appointments. We rarely took him to any post-illness checkups, because he usually got sick again before that.

        I was more anxious about him when he was a toddler than I had been when he was a baby, at least after the end of the newborn baby period, sometimes jokingly called the fourth trimester. And you’re right, the well-meaning comments people made about our life with him being completely normal didn’t help much when either I or my husband was off work every other week, and I was on leave more often than he was. Thankfully we have pretty much unlimited sick leave, and paid care leave for sick kids under 10, but my then-boss still gave me grief about all the work I was missing, and my then-coworker wasn’t exactly happy about having to cover for me all that time, either.

        At the time, I had a desktop PC at work, and WFH wasn’t an option. But as everyone who has attempted it no doubt knows, WFH with a sick toddler in the house is hard if not impossible, so it was just as well…

    7. River Song*

      I am that mother. I have an 8 week old and have to go back to work and I’m fairly distraught over it. Between RSV and Covid, it is a really dangerous world for babies and in the US, the crappy only developed country without paid parental leave, you’re just screwed no matter what- from our workforce norms not giving the pto as needed for when kids are sick all the time, to healthcare costs and timeframes, to cultural selfishness not caring about the immunocompromised. What are preventable infant deaths compared to some millionaire’s bottom line? It may be the way things are but it shouldn’t be. It isn’t this way in many other countries. It is appalling that this is considered acceptable here.

    8. J.B.*

      I broke down crying a time or two when my first kid was going through that. She wasn’t seriously I’ll despite 103 fevers over and over just has a high thermostat. And it sucked. I would recommend saying yeah that sucks. And if you can do something low key once in a while like bring takeout I’m sure your friend would feel cherished.

    9. RagingADHD*

      You say, “Oh, I know. It’s so hard. We’ve all been there. Can I bring you anything from the store?”

    10. MeepMeep123*

      No, it’s not normal. We have normalized this sort of thing in our society, but that does not make it normal or healthy. It really is not normal to be sick that often. A lot of the viruses that children catch in institutional settings have long-term effects that are still unstudied and little understood, especially when combined with each other. For example, we just now are learning about the link between Epstein-Barr Virus (which causes mono) and multiple sclerosis and chronic fatigue – none of which you’d want to get. We still don’t know the long-term effects of COVID in children. The fact that a perfectly realistic and normal level of worry about infectious disease is being reframed as “irrational anxiety” drives me up the wall.

      Your friend will eventually learn to keep her worries to herself because the world is singularly unsympathetic to those of us who want to avoid illness in themselves or their children. I’m learning to shut up and be quiet and just keep my mask on. My best friend just harangued me for a good 10 minutes because I mentioned that my kid got her COVID booster and flu shot – apparently that means I am “living in fear”.

      1. BadCultureFIt*

        Huh?! Yes, it is indeed perfectly normal for babies/kids to get multiple, frequent, minor colds once they start daycare/school.

        “A lot of the viruses that children catch in institutional settings have long-term effects that are still unstudied and little understood” — WTAF are you talking about here?!!

        This is a terrible comment.

        1. Ann Ominous*

          I wonder if they mean something like counterparts to long COVID. There is an increasing body of theory around whether chronic fatigue syndrome and other lingering unknown symptoms are results of other viruses (even other coronaviruses like the common cold), such as we are seeing in long COVID.

          And the comment about institutions just made me think about kids being exposed to each other in large groups in areas that aren’t well-ventilated (which is pretty much anywhere that’s indoors in many parts of the world).

          1. MeepMeep123*

            Yup. I even gave an example – Epstein-Barr virus, which causes mild cold-like symptoms in the kids that get it at school, and then causes chronic fatigue if you’re unlucky enough to combine it with COVID, or causes multiple sclerosis if you’re one of the unlucky 0.5% of the people who get it. There are many other viruses like this, and the science of postviral syndromes is extremely under-studied and little understood.

            I’m not at all sure that it’s normal or healthy for kids to be sick this often, and I wish schools and daycares paid more attention to this rather than assuming that it’s normal. But as long as parents get stigmatized for even raising this as a concern, nothing will change. You gave me a great example of the kind of stigma that I’ve seen throughout my kid’s life when I raised it as a concern. Thank you for providing it.

            1. allathian*

              I think that more research is definitely needed. My son was in 6th grade last year, and he wore a mask on public transit and in class, washed hands constantly and were encouraged to use sanitizer frequently, and he didn’t have any sick days at all. Now they aren’t wearing masks, and he’s already missed two weeks of school this year, a week with Covid and another with a “common cold”.

              That said, the opposite phenomenon is also true. We live in too sterile environments, and that’s one reason why so many more kids have allergies today than ever before. If the immune system doesn’t have real enemies to fight, it’ll start fighting the host body instead. In the 1990s there was an interesting research project in Carelia, in a genetically pretty uniform population. On the Russian side of the border, people were still living pretty much as they had in the early 20th century, with hygiene standards to match. On the Finnish side of the border, they had a modern lifestyle. Allergies, infantile asthma, and some autoimmune diseases were far more common in Finland than they were in Russia. To be fair, the average expected lifespan was decades longer in Finland.

              Viruses are a problem, but kids need exposure to benign bacteria to develop their immune systems. That’s partly why there’s less hayfever in families with pets than without.

          2. Stuckinacrazyjob*

            Nod. Our scientists are learning a lot about post viral illness now but I would be nervous about my ( imaginary) kid having a high fever and me missing work.

        2. JSPA*

          Something can be common, and also unhealthy. I remember when smoking was common, and people smoked everywhere. It was 100% normal to grow up breathing your parents’ cigarette smoke (and having sinus problems, asthma exacerbation, stinging eyes, clothes that smelled of cigarettes, headaches at school that were probably nicotine withdrawal, bronchitis).

          We can argue whether childhood infections are escapable. We can argue whether they’re worse, if first encountered later in life (many are). We can argue whether mono belongs on the list of standard childhood diseases. But the (reputable) studies suggesting an EBV-MS link have been thoroughly covered in the news. MeepMeep123 isn’t making that up.

      2. BadCultureFIt*

        Also your “best friend” sounds like a terrible person. But it doesn’t negate the wackiness of what you’re spewing here.

    11. fhqwhgads*

      You’re sort of half-right? Getting sick multiple times as soon as a kid starts daycare is absolutely common and should be expected. However, whether the anxiety is reasonable is separate. Any kid with allergies is going to make a new parent extra worried. The current situation with flu and RSV and covid, and most children’s hospitals being stuffed to the gills is genuinely concerning. I do not want my kid to get sick and end up in CH. Being worried about that is reasonable. If friend’s baby has had anything with simiar symptoms to those three, being worried is reasonable, even if it turned out to be something less serious and not severe. There’s an emotional toll.
      Being upset about cancelled plans cuz sick baby, I am slightly less sympathetic. Kid starts daycare, it’s reasonable to assume they’ll get sick frequently and plans will be cancelled. This shouldn’t be surprising. It can still be frustrating, but it’s expected. Also if the concerns about baby getting sick were that bad, they wouldn’t have weekend plans to cancel in the first place.
      So I’m thinking your friend is likely overreacting to some stuff and reasonably reacting to others, and you’re probably reasonably reacting to some stuff and underreacting to others.

    12. Flowers*

      Oh gosh – wish I had read this before I posted later on. Dealing with the same issues right now – except my husband is more anxiety prone than I am but I’m getting frustrated with everything going on as well.

  10. Mitchell Hundred*

    I’m almost done reading a book of academic essays about obscenity in the ancient Greek and Roman world. My favourite part was the table of graffiti from Pompeii, with translations. Apparently “Cacator cave malum” was the most popular phrase.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      In the museum in Naples, where they have all the stuff taken out of Pompeii, they have a highly entertaining section in the back with all the erotic art.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I found the signpost for the bordello in Volubulis – some ruins in Morocco – to be remarkably – umm – descriptive. And optimistic.

    3. Random Bystander*

      I still remember when I was in high school (almost 40 years ago, so that tells you how well this stuck in my head), I took Latin. First two years were very typical Latin class. Third year (my last, because I graduated early), we studied … Pompeiian graffiti. And also translated things *into* Latin. Still remember being in the school cafeteria with classmates. “I ****” (Latin form of verb) “You ****” etc.

      When called on that by teachers monitoring said cafeteria, with all wide-eyed pseudo-innocence: “we’re studying our Latin conjugation.”

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Ancient Obscenities, edited by Dorota Dutsch and Ann Suter. I found it after I read a short article about anasyrma, and was curious to see if my library had any material on the subject.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      Somebody in one of my Facebook groups posted a photo from her tour of the Pompeii ruins. First up: a brothel. With a menu along the top of the wall. With some very descriptive drawings.

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Yes, that’s quite famous.
        I’ve been to Pompeii twice and once to Herculaneum (the lesser known but equally interesting site). Visiting Pompeii with two teenaged nephews was fun :-)

  11. Calamity Janine*

    though this is technically work related it’s a bad enough idea that i decided to post it here:

    to celebrate spooky stories and the times a-changing on twitter, i would like to propose Alison do a special podcast episode where she reads through and gives commentary on some of the legends of bad workplace behavior as described on twitter. it ends when Alison finally finds one that makes her completely corpse. just pure laughter interspersed with the occasional “ohhhh my gooddd ohhhh nnnnNNOOOOOoooOOO” in mixed horror and hilarity.

    i think the dril tweet about working at the betsy ross museum is one logical terminus but fictional accounts are halfway to cheating. so i would like to nominate twitter user shockproofbeats’s thread about the day in their youth where they ended up alone with their boss and the president of Ireland while very very high on ketamine. because sometimes humor is other people suffering in ways they describe entertainingly!

    please entertain us with what terrible tales from the lives of others that you would nominate to torture Alison with until she breaks down laughing, this is a concept too late for halloween but could be magnificent for April Fool’s (note: magnificent here may also mean utterly abominable and Alison’s hand is hovering over the “IP ban user Calamity Janine from orbit for extreme impertenance” button)

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      That thread is one of my favourite things on Twitter of all time. For similar humour, I highly recommend the author’s memoir “Did Ye Hear Mammy Died?”. Even though it’s fundamentally about grief, it’s also very very funny and hits big truths about family bonds.

      Surprisingly, my partner, who is Very Online, had never heard of the thread. So after a few days of me laughing out loud while reading the book, he asked how I’d heard of it. Replying “oh, it’s from the guy who tweeted about serving the President of Ireland while on ketamine” was priceless.

      As for your original question: also on Twitter, the comedian Sooz Kempner has two threads that are absolute gold. One is about her stint as a Christina Aguilera impersonator in Ayia Napa (Cyprus), and the other is about the time she got hired for a New Year’s Eve music show by a freemasons’ lodge. I don’t have Twitter access on my phone, but should have dropped enough keywords here for anyone to find them via the search function.

    3. fposte*

      Can we turn this into “internet threads people might enjoy”? Because Ask Historians just had a celebration of getting 1.5 million subscribers by humorously offering to give away 1.5 million facts just for asking. The result is a thread full of historical tidbits, almost all by established historians or historical specialists, about all manner of things from fish to religion in all inhabited places. A couple of my favorites are that the Abenaki refused to allow Giovanni di Verazzano’s ships to land and traded with them by rope, and when the trades were completed they dropped trou and mooned the Europeans; another is that medieval nun Agnes Blannbekin claimed to have tasted Christ’s foreskin. (A followup notes that, as many of us were thinking, Agnes must have struggled to find the foreskin of a circumcised man.)

      Link in followup.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        On the history note, for threads people might enjoy, I always highlight recommend John Bull’s threads on undiscovered aspects of history/pop culture – everything from the Emu War in Australia to how Tesco (British supermarket) invented the loyalty card.

  12. Come On Eileen*

    I recently spent a few days at an AirBNB, and the host made the bed with Costco’s 800 thread count Hotel Signature sheets. I absolutely LOVED sleeping on these sheets! They were soft yet substantial. It looks like the Costco website is out of stock (I keep checking) and I’ve been told they are no longer available to purchase in their warehouses. Does anyone have an equivalent substitution that I should look into? I slept on these sheets a month ago and am still thinking about them.

    2. CharlieBrown*

      If I remember correctly, Costco doesn’t carry the same bedding products throughout the year. So they may not be available now, but they may be available again in late winter or spring. (I had the same issue with some sheets that I wanted, although they weren’t these.)

      1. Come On Eileen*

        Ahh okay, that’s helpful to know. I have a Costco trip planned soon so will keep an eye out even if they might not be there now.

    3. WellRed*

      I think Hotel is a large brand. I’ve seen it at bed bath and beyond, for example. Unless they also do branded lines for other retailers like Costco?

    4. KatEnigma*

      Not at that price. I love love LOVE the Vera Wang sheets that Kohl’s carries, but they are twice that price.

    6. Random Bystander*

      How about checking out thecompanystore (dot) com? I like bamboo sheets, myself, but they seem to have an amazing variety of sheets (colors, fabrics).

    7. Llama Llama*

      They are my go to for sheet buying. I will be really sad if I can’t buy them anymore. But yes, they have been out of stock before and are there later.

      1. Come On Eileen*

        Thank you for sharing that! Good to know they will possibly/probably come back. I still plan to look for them at the warehouse when I go this week, but will keep an eye on the website as well.

  13. Jackalope*

    Reading post: what are you reading right now? Any type of reading welcome. Also please share recommendations or rec requests.

    I’m reading “Wicked As You Wish” by Rin Chupeco at the moment. It’s a fun book and I’m enjoying the fantasy and fairy tale elements she’s woven into it. It deals with some serious stuff but is also light-hearted.

    1. Double A*

      I just finished “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow” a novel about making video games and I enjoyed it.

      Now I’m reading “The Bright Ages” which is a history of the Middle Ages because I find reading ancient history to be kind of comforting. It’s not quite as compelling as some others I’ve read, but is a nice coda to the history of Rome I read this year (SPQR).

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading “Till We Have Faces” because I know I’ve read it before but I don’t remember it at all, even what I thought of it!

      Also subscribed to Dracula Daily when someone mentioned it here as it was starting (they send you the novel chronologically as it happens). But I’m almost a full month behind so it’s more like Delayed Dracula Weekly at this point.

    3. Bluebell*

      I finished Confidence by Denise Mina, and really enjoyed it once it got going. Also read The Lost Ticket, because Alison recommended it – very sweet. The Bucket List by Georgia Clark was a quirky mix of chick lit + mastectomy + a few shades of gray. It was pretty different than her book It Had to be You, which I liked a lot more.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I read The Girl in The Tower by Katherine Arden and Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik.
      Both are based on Russian/Slavic folklore and feature a lot of winter. I feel like I’m preparing for winter. Brr.

      The books aren’t perfect, but they’re good. Do you have any recommendations for books based on folklore?

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Not as recognizably based on folklore as Spinning Silver, but with a similar Eastern European winter feel: Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I’ve read that book! I was confused by it. (As in, it didn’t satisfy me as a murder mystery nor as a folklorish novel).

      2. Russian in Texas*

        The Bear and the Nightingale, also based on the Russian folklore and real events.
        The trilogy is called The Winternight trilogy.
        I also think Uprooted is a better Naomi Novik book.

        1. Russian in Texas*

          The Girl in the Tower that you read is actually the second (I think) book in the Winternight trilogy.

          1. Teapot Translator*

            Yes, it is. I read The Bear and the Nightingale first and I’m going through the trilogy. Naomi Novik is the stronger writer, but there were still some things I didn’t like about Uprooted. YMMV.

      3. Lilo*

        Novik’s fairy tale stuff does remind me a lot of Robin McKinley.

        I’m tossing this in with a big ol pinch of salt but Enchantment by Orson Scott Card does have a similar focus in eastern European folklore. But the author is problematic and some of the content is problematic.

        1. Jackalope*

          Question for you: what aspects of Enchantment were problematic for you? I say this as someone who read it a few times when I was much younger, liked it a lot at the time, came back to it in the last year or two and the shine had rubbed off for me. Since I was busy feeling disappointed at rereading a book I’d previously enjoyed, and also because I was only rereading bits of it, I didn’t give it a more in-depth look. I’m curious what other people think about it.

          1. Lilo*

            There’s a bit of a male gaze problem. They also over emphasize virginity. Some of the violence is a bit gruesome.

            I struggle with Card because I can’t reconcile how the guy who wrote Speaker for the Dead could also be so virulently anti-gay.

            1. Love for EEAAO*

              Whew, this. There’s this passage in Xenocide, I think: “the difference between raman and varelse is not in the creature judged but in the creature judging. When we declare an alien species to be raman [i.e. sentient/human], it does not mean that they have passed a threshold of moral maturity. It means that we have.”

              Absolutely transformative for me as late teen / young adult, coming out of a fairly closed upbringing and encountering people different than me for the first time. Shaped a lot of my early commitment to equity. Does not align with Card’s personal stance, and it’s very confusing.

          2. HannahS*

            What I remember of reading it in my late teens is that it was a certain kind of male fantasy. There was this undercurrent of how the female lead was shrewish and her character arc was about her sweetening up and demanding less, while the male character’s arc was that he was a nerd who got buff, and then they got married. It pissed me off at the time, to the bafflement of the man who recommended it to me.

      4. Dark Macadamia*

        I read “The Snow Child” by Eowyn Ivey around the same time as that Katherine Arden trilogy and it has a different tone but is also an excellent wintery folklore adaptation.

      5. Jessica*

        I loved the Arden books, but if anyone else is interested, be aware that The Girl in the Tower is the middle book of a trilogy. Starts with The Bear And the Nightingale.

      6. Falling Diphthong*

        The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo. Written as the old folk tales that might exist in her fantasy universe. They felt like real old stories I had never encountered before. Some references to other classic tales, such as the faithful tin soldier or little mermaid. I really liked this one, along with her Six of Crows duology.

        2. Jessica*

          Yeah, this was great. I really liked the story that’s kind of a Beauty and the Beast/Scheherezade situation, but the girl keeps telling stories that subvert the conventionally expected ending.
          The illustration in this book is also magnificent. Sara Kipin’s illustrations are on every page, around the edges, and they develop along with the plot, so when you turn the page the picture is often similar but different, like a little bit more has happened in it.

      7. Alyn*

        It’s been quite a few years since I read them, but I enjoyed Dennis L McKiernan’s “Faery Series” – expanded/retold fairy tales. The first one is Once Upon a Winter’s Night, based on “East of the Sun, West of the Moon”.

      8. HannahS*

        East is YA, but I re-read it as an adult and liked it a lot. Based on “East of Sun, West of the Moon.”

      9. HannahS*

        East is YA, but I re-read it as an adult and liked it a lot. Based on “East of Sun, West of the Moon.”

    6. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      On a Somerset Maugham binge – aside from the occasional use of slurs from the era, I think Cakes and Ale is pretty much perfect. Also been reading Raymond Queneau, who I loved back in my 20s. I’m slightly more immune to his charms now, but it’s distracting me from the work-related books I should be reading!

    8. Texan In Exile*

      “Freedom at Midnight” by Dominique LaPierre and Larry Collins, about India’s independence. It reads like a novel and I can’t put it down, not just because the story is so compelling but also because I am so appalled that I never learned about any of this in school.

      2. the cat's ass*

        I think they also wrote “is Paris Burning?” about how the Nazis got talked out of destroying Paris during WW2

    9. Smol Book Wizard*

      I picked up the translation of Chinese writer MXTX’s delightful tale Heaven Official’s Blessing at a secondhand shop on a whim (that is, I saw it, was like “I feel like I’ve heard of that,” and asked my fandom discord for additional info). I read it last weekend and it was a joy… The plot wasn’t thick exactly but the character interactions were adorable and fun and occasionally feels-y. I think I’m going to have to find the next volume.

    10. Angstrom*

      For the season, an audiobook short story that has become a household tradition: Look up “The Cat that Went to Trinity” by Robertson Davies, as read by Charles Keating.

    12. Lilo*

      I read 84 Charing Cross Road, which I’d highly recommend. It’s a series of letters between a writer in New York and the employees of a book shop in London. I haven’t been able to chase down exactly whether it’s a recreation, fictionalization or actual copies of her letters but the people in the letters and events are real.

      I just got Hamnet off a rec from the same YouTuber and haven’t started it yet.

      1. Lilo*

        Oh I’m about to bail on Upgrade by Blake Crouch. I’m about 50% of the way through and I’m just not enjoying it. I liked his other books okay.

      3. Isobel*

        The film of 84 Charing Cross Rd, with Anne Bancroft and Anthony Hopkins, is also delightful (and sad at the end).

    13. the cat's ass*

      Just finished “The Accomplice.” by Lisa Lutz. Dark with unlikeable characters but strangely compelling.

    14. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Willa Cather’s *Death Comes for the Archbishop* — I’m not sure I’m really getting all of it, like there’s a lot of religious symbolism that is probably going over my head, but I like it well enough.

    15. VegetarianRaccoon*

      Really enjoying Cemetery Boys, as I think I would regardless, but it’s also such a perfectly seasonal read right now that I get ‘bonus enjoyment’ out of it!

    16. OtterB*

      The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal. Inventor and heiress Tesla Crane is on a luxury high society space liner cruise from Earth to Mars, incognito for her honeymoon with former detective Shal. There are cocktails. And her service dog. And a murder her husband is accused of. I am not far into it but it’s going to be fun.

    17. IzzyTheCat*

      This week I read “Noor” by Nnedi Okorafor. Although I enjoy SF this is my first Okorafor book and I must say that I am a new fan of hers! It was a quick read, very fast-paced, yet with a lot of thought-provoking ideas (what makes someone human?, surveillance capitalism, etc). Okorafor is the author who basically has defined the genre of Africanfuturism and her back catalog is swiftly being optioned for tv – I wanted to see what the hype is about and “Noor” did not disappoint. On to the “Akata Witch” series next…

    19. Ann Ominous*

      I just discovered the author Connie Willis! I read two of her books so far – To Say Nothing of the Dog was different and fun, and Passage was surprising and had me in tears by the end (and I’m not normally a crier).

      Someone also recommended the Last Kingdom series about how the English defeat the Vikings and it sounds really good (was apparently made into a movie and a Netflix series too).

      1. ShortySpice*

        Doomsday Book is one of my favourite reads ever. Strongly recommend Blackout/All Clear too.

        If you like her you might also like Jodi Taylor’s Chronicles of St Mary’s series. More time traveling historians.

  14. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what games you’re playing and what’s tickling your fancy right now. As always, all kinds of games are welcome.

    Some of my spouse’s friends have invited me to their annual Halloween spooky game which this year is Call of Cthulhu. I’m kind of excited and kind of nervous; I have a low horror tolerance and am not sure how that will go. But it’s a once a year tradition and I’m looking forward to joining in. (I will also add that I’ve never read Lovecraft which makes it worse because I have no idea what I’m getting into.)

    1. Sue*

      Google: Call of Cthulu pdf
      and you can read it now. It’s a short story of 24 pages. It’s Lovecraft’s first piece of fiction about Cthulu. It’s not very scary I think. Nothing as frightening as Stephen King. (Who wrote his own short story about Cthulu.)
      Reading it may help.

    2. Melanie Cavill*

      Lovecraft’s writing is unenjoyably dense and full up on racism. Give it a pass. But Call of Cthulhu is a lot of fun! Reminded me of Dishonored. I hope you like it.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I can handle the density, but it just makes the racism so much more overt and obvious. I remember someone had… it was a “Lovecraft Abridged” youtube video or something where he untangles the racism from the stories and several of the stories have nothing if you pull the racism out.

    3. Smol Book Wizard*

      Still Genshin. No change, haha. Getting a new laptop though because I accidentally fried the battery on the last one with overcharging… Maybe increased graphics capabilities will make Inazuma less infuriating to play.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I love “Call of Cthulhu” – the story *and* the game. There’s usually some element of solve-the-mystery, with characters ranging from detectives to academics (LOTS of found-document themes, including some that are perilous to read – fun times!), with a character type of “dilettante” for added fun. Hope you have a great time!

    5. Bookgarden*

      I started RE: Village and have been running around in the Castle but haven’t really gotten into it. The game reminds me of rides at Universal Studios where you watch a mix of different action segments while being thrown around in a vehicle. I guess I was expecting something more like RE 2 or even 4, but realize the series has gone in a different direction. I heard a section later in the game hits those creepy notes though so I’m making my way through to it.

      I also found out that the Silent Hill HD collection is available digitally on Xbox systems, so I’ve been revisiting 2 & 3 to get those slow, atmospheric scares instead. So good!

    6. Nicki Name*

      Lovecraft is cosmic horror rather than gory or shock horror, if that helps you be less nervous. The game has a mechanic where being exposed to the truths of the universe has a chance of driving your characters insane– if they manage to understand what they’re faced with. If they don’t understand it, that saves their sanity.

    7. Jackalope*

      We just finished, and I can report that it went fairly well. No one died OR went insane. It was a bit of an easy mode adventure because we were all newbies, but we managed to win (or at least get to a point where the GM decided we could call it a win and go to bed). My character actually missed a number of the early sanity checks because she grabbed a dance partner and went out on the dance floor and missed the action her teammates got into.

  15. DunnoWhatToDo*

    Any advice on how to stop feeling like I “failed” at life?

    Sorry, this might just be a rant. I turned 36 a few weeks ago. Still single with no kids or pets. Probably will continue to stay single for a long time.

    Lately, I find myself comparing my life a lot with others (mostly friends). I know social media doesn’t portray everything but I can’t stop looking at it. Recently, a close friend of mine that I’ve known for 20+ years got promoted as an executive in their company. Their social media has been a constant flood of positive, “inspirational” messages like, “hard work pays off” or “sometimes sacrifices must be made”, etc.

    Just to note, I am happy for them and I’m sure they worked really hard for it.

    But then I start looking at myself and feel…sort of defeated. What am I doing? What have I not been doing? I am a cashier now and not saying cashier work is bad but here I am in a job that anyone can do while my friend is at a point where they will see even more success. We’re both the same age. We both started working around the same time. We both graduated with a liberal arts degree. Where did we split ways? Why couldn’t I follow the same route as my friend? If I want to change, where do I start? Is it too late?

    It’s not just about this friend. Earlier, I saw a post made by a friend currently enjoying their two week vacation in Europe. Whereas I haven’t had a vacation in maybe 15 years since I just can’t afford it. I feel embarrassed whenever I run into a friend or former classmate and all I can say is “I work as a cashier” when we talk about our lives. It’s even more embarrassing when someone asked whether I’m at least in a managerial role. Nope. I’m just a regular employee.

    I know I shouldn’t compare. I know that every decision that I have made for myself is what got me here and I want to say I don’t regret it. But sometimes I feel like I “failed” at life miserably and wish things would have been different.

    1. Bluebell*

      Years ago, someone told me “everyone is happy on Facebook.” It’s a pretty good general rule for all social media, especially for those out of the teen years. Most folks don’t post boring days, setbacks, frustrations, etc. For every “woo hoo I’m loving vacation “ post, there are many days where people aren’t posting “work is annoying today.” I hope things get better for you, and maybe consider a social media fast for a certain number of weeks, and see how you feel.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep – the phrase I’ve heard is “don’t compare everyone else’s highlight video to your own blooper reel.”

      2. allathian*

        It’s not too late to change, but you will need to work at it. How do you define success? What do you want out of life?
        Maybe a sosial media fast might help?

      3. Person from the Resume*

        An an example, pretty much all my bike rides get posted on FB and people are convinced I’m always riding my bike whereas I actually play softball and go to CrossFit much more often than biking but neither of these are conducive to photos so they don’t get posted, and people who know me mostly FB think I’m riding all the time.

        You know all the bad in your life, but I bet you’re not posting on FB. Similarly most people are not posting the bad on their FB so you’re only seeing the good, fun stuff, the stuff that makes pretty photos.

    2. ELS*

      Honestly speaking, you might want to consider therapy. I know therapy is hard for a lot of people for a lot reasons, but if it’s something that is feasible for you, just talking through this stuff with a licensed professional might really help change your mindset.

      Also, I used to be a huge Twitter and Instagram person. I ended up deleting social media a few years ago, and it transformed my life. I no longer know who from high school had a baby and who’s a stepmom and which of my friends were at a concert the night they told me they were sick – seriously, there’s something to ignorance is bliss. Just not knowing helped me focus more on myself and care more about myself, and that made a lot of difference in my own happiness with who I am. Of course, I still compare myself with others too, and that’s something I’m trying to work on, but the social media fueled it in a way I couldn’t manage.

      Finally, I wonder what it looks like when you envision yourself as a “success?” Is it something abstract, like “more money” or “better job?” Does it look like the path of your friends? If you can really think come to an idea of what success would look like for you – not abstract and not something that a friend has gone through, but a vision of what matches your skills, your abilities, your talents, and your desires…well, maybe you could come up with a to-do list of actions that you can go through to get yourself there. Maybe take a few classes, or apply for a different job, or join a club, or volunteer, etc. Sometimes just working towards something can help negate the feeling of helplessness – like when you talk to someone, you can say “I’m volunteering at an animal shelter on the weekends and after work” rather than “I’m a cashier.”

      For what it’s worth – I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a job as a cashier! I truly believe that our worth and value is not defined by the jobs we do.

      I hope this helps a little, but like I said, if therapy is an option, I think that would be the best way to go.

    3. The teapots are on fire*

      Every decision you made got you here–what are your values? What led you to those decisions? I wonder if it will help you to really think about the things that matter most to you and look at your life in that context.

      And think about if you DO want to change, where would you want to go? What could a first step look like? Lots of careers can begin a little later in life, if you know where you want to go and why you want to go there and you can make a good plan how to get there.

      1. Solidarity*

        Right! Rather than fighting yourself and feeling bad about feeling bad, OP, I wonder if these thoughts are a sign that you want to dig deep and decide what’s important to you in the next stage of your life. I went through a similar phase, and instead of ignoring it, I ended up moving to a new city that I thought would suit me better. Other friends have shifted the direction of their career, gone back to online dating, or gotten a pet as a result of the “quarter life crisis.” It’s not a bad thing to take time to step back and reevaluate what you’re doing and why!

    4. Not A Manager*

      Can you try to untangle what you want for yourself and miss in your life, from the benchmarks you’re setting based on your Facebook feed? I do think a social media fast might be helpful, but maybe also some way of calibrating your own contents and desires. This could be journaling, or online quizzes, or self-help books. I don’t think the medium matters, so long as you find a way to tap into your own genuine feelings.

      Once you’re a bit more clear on what you want for yourself as opposed to what other people are curating on their pages, you can make a big plan if you want but you can also take baby steps. If you want a pet, why don’t you have a pet? (There might be some insurmountable reason, but otherwise, there are some fun, low-maintenance pets available.) Or maybe you want to be more intentional about inviting a friend over at least once a week, or whatever.

      If you do decide to make big changes, I don’t think 36 is too old for that. Make a five-year plan, and start taking the steps now toward your goals, even if they are small steps. Do you want to be a manager at your store, or are you happy in your role? Have you spoken to your bosses about a path to promotion?

      As an aside, I think the “inspirational” stuff your friend is posting sounds asinine and self-congratulatory.

      1. Solidarity*

        This. I sometimes feel weird about not being married or having kids, but to be honest, I don’t actually want and never have wanted those things, I just want, like, the approval of society and the sense of checking off boxes. Meanwhile home ownership was something I genuinely wanted for myself, so I pursued that, while I see friends who feel the way about buying a house that I do about kids – they feel they “should” want it, but in reality they’re not that excited about it. Social media is just misleading you here.

        1. Girasol*

          Society insists on marriage and kids, painting all marriages as supportive and loving and all kids as adorable and brag-worthy. So many women who achieve the wife and mother goals end up divorced and wishing they never had kids. Sounds like you’re only failing at reaching someone else’s goal that’s often just a fantasy anyway. It takes guts to chart your own course. Sounds like you’ve been quite successful that way.

        2. tessa*

          I’ve never been married and don’t have children, and couldn’t be happier. It’s just who I am. Plus, I know so many people who have checked those boxes but walk around in a “What now?” daze, it seems, and I wonder if they’d have been happier just married, or just kids, or neither.

          Maybe it’s a self-confidence thing. I used to be a doormat, and grew out of it, fortunately. I credit my college education. It feels so good to do what makes me happy, especially because it doesn’t hurt anyone else unless they allow it to. I have enough money to live on and save, and have learned to just hitch a ride to conversation, or stop and study insects on a bush, etc.

          Do what makes you happy and go from there; let the chips fall where they may, day by day if that’s what it takes.

        3. Person from the Resume*

          I’m am so grateful I don’t have kids. I assumed I would because “everyone” gets married and has kids. I ended up married without kids and I have no regrets because I’ve realized I don’t actually want children. Zero regrets!

          DunnoWhatToDo should be introspective about what she wants and figure out what’s important to her and figure out if it makes sense to go for it. Or if it makes sense to make peace with not achieving that goal thus choosing another one.

          36 is still young for many things except having biological kids. There’s still years of life to do other things.

    5. matcha123*

      I’m a few years older than you and I get what you mean, aside from the kid stuff. For me, having kids would constitute the ultimate failure on my part because I’d be caving to societal expectations rather than living a life for myself. But, I digress.

      I am very much behind a lot, most, of my friends because my 20s were spent taking any job to financially support my family. Unlike my peers who were supported by their family network.
      I have to remind myself that I can’t compare my life to theirs because they were raised with things I wasn’t. I had to make decisions that made sense for me at that time.

      Does being super successful boss lady sound appealing? Somewhat. But do I have the type of personality to make that happen? No. Do I want to be that type of person? Not really.

      After some 15 years of meh jobs including a few where I experienced harassment and bullying by coworkers and managers, I finally landed a job where I’m allowed to be human and dust off skills that have gone rusty, and AND people treat me like I am a competent person.

      Really, if you want something, it should be for you and not for Facebook.

      1. Solidarity*

        Right! I do not want to be a boss, nor do I think I’d be particularly good at it. This took me a long time to realize because that’s what we’re all supposed to be working for, getting promoted and being in charge. I want more money but I don’t want to have to make work my life. These were values that I had to come around to.

    6. TeaFiend*

      First of all: very relatable OP. You’re definitely not alone there.
      Keep in mind, if the average retirement age is over 60, you have at least a good 24 years ahead of you! That is definitely enough time to change things/try something new/build a different career, if that’s what you want to do. You have the added benefit of being single and kid-free; the world is your oyster!
      I’d suggest looking into some self-help content to get you boosted and inspired.

      Disgusting and very rude of people to ask if you’re at least in management. Says a lot about them.

      Comparison is the absolute death of joy and there are a billion ways to live a valuable life. Life isn’t something you can ‘fail’ anyway. It’s just living. We all die anyway.

    7. TeaFiend*

      First of all: very relatable OP. You’re definitely not alone there.
      Keep in mind, if the average retirement age is over 60, you have at least a good 24 years ahead of you! That is definitely enough time to change things/try something new/build a different career, if that’s what you want to do. You have the added benefit of being single and kid-free; the world is your oyster!
      I’d suggest looking into some self-help content to get you boosted and inspired.

      Disgusting and very rude of people to ask if you’re at least in management. Says a lot about them.

      Finally, comparison is the absolute death of joy and there are a billion ways to live a valuable life. Life isn’t something you can ‘fail’ anyway. It’s just living. We all die anyway.

    8. JSPA*

      Maybe
      a) time your time spent on social media per day

      then

      b) set aside two days a week where the time that would otherwise go into the internet, goes into some sort of a certification… looking at other job options… considering what sort of side hustle you’d do, if you had a side-hustle?

      If you also watch media, do the same with that. But also devote two of those hours to getting outside and doing something that makes you feel physically active and mentally engaged.

      Maybe it is only 4 hours a week; that’s still something. Maybe you realize you’ve freed up an entire 16 hours a week, and it’s amazing what you can do with an extra 16 hours.

      Feeling the pull of the web and the box? Sit with the pull, name the pull (as an addictive or compulsive type of reaction), visualize yourself as the rat in the skinner box, then…go outside.

    9. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      I’m 47 and crashing hard in similar ways, trying to figure out what I want my life to be like & how I feel about where I am now. I think it’s good (if painful) to do this kind of big audit while there’s still time to reset your course if you want to – and you got there 10 years before me!

      Everyone has lots of good advice, especially about separating out the self-reflection piece from the comparison piece (though that’s hard to do). I’d add that for me, giving myself permission to grieve the lives I won’t get to lead has been really important (though also hard and painful). And I’ve been reading a lot of memoirs & listening to podcasts about “ordinary” people figuring their lives out, which is better company than Facebook perhaps.

      1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

        That line about grieving the lives you didn’t lead is so true. I’m 42 and feel similarly sometimes, but I reflect on the growth I’ve done that can’t be measured or shown externally.

      2. No Longer Looking*

        I was 45 when I decided to go back to school for my Accounting Bachelors (I had an associates that transferred, and I had a few years of A/R Clerk experience). I was 47 when I finished my degree, and a month older when I was laid off, and 48 when I became an accountant with a much nicer salary and my own office. It’s only too late if you let it be.

    10. NeonFireworks*

      Ugh, the people who most believe in a meritocracy are almost always the people who have benefited from an utterly unmeritocratic system. I don’t mean that your executive friend doesn’t deserve success – just that people who have a lot of privilege and no clue about inequality come up with that useless motivational speaker talk so easily.

      I am the same age as you and someone others see as a runaway success (I work ina competitive field – think AI and audio production – and have climbed the ladder with terrifying speed). I’ve had a lot of privilege and a lot of luck. Enough of my opportunities have been chance/flukes/unplanned good timing on my part that I know there are 6,294,028 parallel universes where I made all the best choices for me and didn’t progress in my career at all. Even my entry point kind of involved the stars aligning.

      I also work much too hard and do not take enough time off. I don’t have much of a choice if I want to retain my position and my reputation. If I cut back, I become so much less visible that I fall off everyone else’s radar. Free evenings, concerts, pastimes, volunteering, getting lunch with friends, long walks in the park – those are for normal people, and have been for my entire life. Very occasionally I’ve wondered whether I might be happier overall if I walked away and got a normal people job, because the spare time is something that I haven’t had in many years. Here I am awake before seven in the morning on a Saturday almost ready to deal with the leftover work from Friday night, by which I mean Friday at 10:30 PM. Anyway, I feel for you and I know that my life looks flashy and impressive on paper, but I think the thing I’d want aforementioned supposedly normal people to know os that while I theoretically enjoy the work, and am grateful for all my opportunities, most of the people who didn’t get these chances did not do anything wrong…and I’m not sure this was a super straightforward path to living my best life, either.

      1. Susie*

        “the people who most believe in a meritocracy are almost always the people who have benefited from an utterly unmeritocratic system.”

        yes

    11. allathian*

      It’s not too late to change, but you will need to work at it. How do you define success? What do you want out of life?
      Maybe a sosial media fast might help?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I was thinking a parallel thought. Where’s your life plan? Given your givens, what do you think is doable over the next 5-10 years? What steps can you take now to start to make these doable things happen???

        Use their success to push your own self forward. Right now you are beating yourself down. Go a different way. Picture yourself 10 years out, what remarkable thing would you like to be telling others about your life?

        1. Solidarity*

          Right, or, if you never make any changes, it’s reasonable to think in 5 years you’re going to be around the same place you are now. How do you feel about that OP? Not how should you feel, but what is your own literal gut reaction to that? If it’s good – great! Get off social media. But if there’s something you don’t like in that picture, dig down into which pieces you’d feel are missing, and what you can change now to shift those things.

    12. Squidhead*

      “I know that every decision that I have made for myself is what got me here and I want to say I don’t regret it.”

      Look, it’s okay to have regrets. It’s okay to say “I made X choice for reasons that were important to me at the time, but I wish I had made a different choice.” You don’t have to sunshine ret-con your life. But if you do have regrets, it’s worth figuring out (maybe with a therapist):
      -why you made a choice then, to avoid the same trap in the future (I made this choice because I was afraid of failing. I made this choice because that guy was really cute but a total dope. I made this choice because I opened my mail really late and had missed the deadline.)
      -what you think you’re missing now (I would have a better career if…I would have already had a pet if…)
      -what you want to try to do about it (Maybe I can apply for the next semester…I can volunteer at the cat shelter…Pick up some extra shifts this winter and then take a mini-vacation in the spring).

      I don’t think it’s productive to just self-flagellate over regrets, but you don’t have to pretend they don’t exist if they do.

    13. Sorry*

      I had a college friend whose response to complaints was “at least you aren’t in debt”. You never know what is going on in the background.

      1. Solidarity*

        Ooh great point! Sometimes I feel like married people with kids have it sooooo much easier than me because they have two incomes, and here I am struggling with my small salary on my own – but the reality when I really talk to my friends is that they are often in huge debt that I’m not factoring in. Childcare, mortgage, two student loans, credit card bills out the wazoo, and a lot of them are doing private school and trying to save for college. Nobody knows what anybody else is going through.

    14. TheraputicSarcasm*

      Same here. I got an advanced degree a few years ago and haven’t done anything with it because one fairly major roadblock sent me into a really deep depression. Now I have the same questions you do: how to get back on track, how to explain not ‘being someone’ by now. I was going to write in to Allison, but the thread last week convinced me that’s a horrible idea.

    15. the cat's ass*

      I’m so sorry that you feel defeated. I think that social media can be really good at making us feel bad. i got kicked off Twitter a few months ago for calling a certain political critter a bimbo and it’s been a real silver lining! Maybe take a little break and treat yourself well? Maybe some therapy?

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Are you a good, kind person? Then you are absolutely NOT a failure at life, regardless of your material and social circumstances.

      Maybe you’re just a late bloomer career-wise? I didn’t even get my first full-time job with benefits until I was a little older than you are, so I spent a lot of my 20s and early 30s feeling like a big old failure on that front until things picked up as I got older.

      You never know what is around the corner for you. Maybe if there is something you’ve always been curious about doing, you could take a step or two in that direction and see what happens?

      If nothing else, see if you can keep saving for the future while you work as a cashier — putting a little money every paycheck towards a 401K if one is offered to you or towards a Roth IRA you can set up at your local credit union or bank can help you build a retirement nest egg that will take care of you later in life. You don’t have to start with a lot of money each paycheck — just start.

      I really feel for you on the no partner, no kids, no pets situation — same boat, and I am a lot older than you are. I am more accepting of that situation now. Since there isn’t much of a defined role in life for me, I’m now trying to see my role in life as being a fairy godmother, doing little good things for people having a hard time. There are a lot of people out there who could use a kind word when they’re down, some food or a phone call when they’re sick, a graduation present that their absent parent won’t get them, etc. I know it’s not the same as having a partner and kids, but maybe you can be a fairy godparent too and pour some of that love you have in you into bringing a little joy and care into other people’s lives?

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. I got my first not temporary job when I was 35. Until then I worked a number of temp or temporary for me retail and call center jobs. Nothing wrong with those, and all of my FT jobs at least paid a living wage, but they weren’t what I went to college for.

        I felt like a failure for much of my 20s and early 30s. The failure of my first serious relationship sent me into a depression that meant that I took 8 years to graduate from college with a master’s degree (tuition is free here up to that level, and I got accepted directly into the master program, never got a bachelor’s degree). When I finally graduated I was perpetually single and working odd jobs while my friends were starting their careers, earning decent money, coupling up, and having kids.

        I’m content now because I’m living the life I always wanted. I met my husband when I was 33, now I’m happily married and we have a teenager. I have a good job that I enjoy, and together with my husband, we can pay for all the essentials and some of the luxuries that make life more enjoyable, and we’re also saving for retirement.

        You still have lots of time to build the life you want for yourself, once you know what that is. Some of it is a matter of luck, like finding the right partner, but there are things you can do to make the lucky breaks more likely.

        But the most important thing is to figure out what *you* want. Are you failing to meet your own expectations or someone else’s?

    17. marvin the paranoid android*

      It might be helpful to try to examine your own feelings a bit more closely. If you’re feeling defeated, that may be a sign that you need to work toward some kind of change, but comparing yourself to others might not tell you much about what you actually want. Chasing other people’s approval also isn’t likely to be fulfilling in the long term. It can actually be really freeing to learn to trust yourself enough that you’re comfortable making decisions that you know most people wouldn’t make or approve of.

      1. HoundMom*

        Lots of good stuff here…just two thoughts. Cashiers are part of daily interactions with many people. COVID lockdown showed how much value there is to those interactions and how big of a loss it was. You have the power to touch many peoples’ lives positively.

        Second thought.. you will find many liberal arts majors in careers that are not taught at college. For me I landed in health care insurance. Licensing is pretty easy to get and brokerages and carriers are open to mid career people.

    18. DunnoWhatToDo*

      OP here. Wasn’t sure how to edit my original post so will be posting my reply here.

      Thank you all for your helpful replies. They were all insightful and encouraging, that I can’t stay in this “defeated” attitude if I want to feel better. I’ll definite have to give a long thought on what I really want for my future, defining what my values are or what I consider a success. For me, I am staying in this cashier job because, while the pay could definitely be better, I am relieved from any work stress once I clock out. I don’t have to worry about bring work home or doing overtime. Once I am done with my shift, then I am free to do what I want. I guess that’s what I value, a really good work life balance for my mental health.

      Therapy may not be an immediate option but something I will look into for the future. As others have mentioned, social media fasting is something that I can start working on first.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, since you mentioned wanting a job where you can really clock out and not worry about work . . . . Do you think you might enjoy being a librarian or something like that? I had a stint of working as a reference librarian, and I LOOOOOOVED IT! I was busy all day helping people, but then when I was off the clock, I was truly off the clock. The most I ever thought about work off the clock was occasionally wondering, “Hmmm, I wonder if that book could be there? I’ll check tomorrow.” There were very few long-term projects I had to deal with — it was more short bursts of interesting work all day.

      2. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        Glad to hear. Many people are probably rooting for you and if not you’re rooting for yourself

    19. HannahS*

      I haven’t read the other comments, so sorry if I’m repeating anything.

      It sounds like the issue here is not that you’re comparing yourself with others, but that your life isn’t what you thought it would be. If that’s the case, your problem isn’t jealousy. It’s grief.

      Having regrets is a normal part of life; having regrets doesn’t mean you failed. You can mourn the life you thought you’d have AND engage in problem-solving to identify what life you want and how to achieve what you want.

    20. Irish Teacher*

      I’m only a couple of years older than you, but “when I was your age” (which yeah, sounds like I’m an old lady, but I literally mean when I was 36 and a couple of weeks), I still hadn’t achieved a “permanent and pensionable job,” I was subbing which basically meant constantly applying for jobs and sometimes being unemployed if no school was looking for a sub. I am also single and childless, though that is largely by choice.

      Then about 10 days before my 37th birthday, two things happened in quick succession. My sister informed us she was pregnant and two days after that, I was offered a job that was originally supposed to be three weeks covering for a teacher doing a course but with the chance of hours for the rest of the year if things worked out. Well, they did work out and then the following July, I got a surprise phonecall, saying there were hours for the following year and then a year or two later, the SENCO left to take a job as deputy principal elsewhere, leaving an opening in the learning support department..

      My point is that 36 is young. You have most of your life ahead of you. There is plenty of time to make whatever changes to your life that you want.

      And luck plays a huge part in things. I am doing really nothing different now when I have colleagues complimenting my teaching and adamant they need to keep me than I was when I was only getting short-term substitution. The only difference is luck.

      You haven’t failed at life. Heck, some of those who seem to have so much more success in life may well have far bigger problems than you know about. The person with the seemingly perfect marriage could be cheating or have a cheating partner or worst case scenario, be being abused. The person in the glamourous job might hate it or might have a bullying boss. You just don’t know.

      What do YOU want from life? Do you want a partner? Do you want kids? Do you want to change jobs?

    21. SofiaDeo*

      I think people who are self aware, will occasionally look at their life and decisions and think about what might have gone differently. Social media IMO makes us question some of our life choices even more, if we’re not currently in a great place, because as others have noted, it’s mostly the successes and other positive appearing facades that others want us to see. It’s never too late to change your life. Remember, Grandma Moses didn’t start painting until she was 78. And as far as your current job…I have worked as a cashier, and IMO it’s not something that “anyone can do” well. With inflation concerns, too, I can see why you might want a better paid position, though. Perhaps look into some aptitude testing, to see where your strengths lie, and what careers associated with those strengths might be. And remember, very few of us have a life without “downsides”. I am sorry to hear you are going through one now, and hope it passes soon.

  16. Overwhelmed with Receipts*

    What do you do with printed receipts from stores? Keep, file, toss, shred? I’m overwhelmed with boxes of them because I always think I should go something with them, but I never do, and now they’re just unsightly piles.

    1. Maggie*

      Throw them away unless they’re got a big ticket item with a return policy. What would you possibly do with them? Not to be rude but just throw them away

      1. Solidarity*

        Swear to God, my mother takes her (printed) credit card statement every month, cross-references it to all her neatly saved receipts, then bundles them up and files them in her filing cabinet. She claims she’s found discrepancies before and trained me to do this too, which I did faithfully for like one month in college before I realized I didn’t care enough and now I throw all my receipts away and barely check my credit card statement unless the balance seems hinky (so, not good either).

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Mad respect to your mom. Anyone who can do this has my blessing to save all their receipts.

      2. NACSACJACK*

        This is where I miss having Quicken on an iMac. This is when I miss having an iMac. When Quicken worked on a iMac many years ago, I tried to enter all my receipts. (Note this was in the days prior to social media and streaming services. I’ve kept them hoping to find a program like Quicken for a PC, but not Quicken since a PC can be so easily hacked. Nope, never found a like program. And now Quicken once again works on a iMac.

        For those that don’t know, many years ago, Apple switched off AMD chips (IIRC) and Inuit only promised support for 2 years, then they went through an upgrade and no longer supported Quicken. Just stopped working. Now I see Quicken is a web product. I am not handing my personal financial info to someone else’s server.

    2. anon24*

      I have a receipt box that I put them all in along with paper copies of bills, and then at the end of the year (usually around the time I do my taxes) I sort through them all, keep any for large purchases such as expensive electronics, anything with a warranty, or anything related to doctors appointments/important healthcare and toss the rest. The few ones I want to keep I move to a filing folder where they are sorted by year.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I keep them until I see the transaction on credit card/bank statement then throw them out, except for big ticket items (where I normally staple the receipt to the instruction book and keep it in my instructions file) and a small number of receipts that are potentially relevant for my tax return which I keep until the return is done just in case they are needed. (They never are, but still!)

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Yes to stapling the warranty entitlement into the manual!
        Now, I scan receipts that I may need (for warranty or taxes) and toss/shred them. I do my best to go paperless; I also download the PDF manuals right after purchase. If they are not avalable online, it’s usually a tiny oirce of paper with even tinier script so I have to scan it anyway to read it (my eyes don’t come with built-in microscopes!)

    4. Cheerios*

      I keep all receipts in a folder in my desk and clean out the folder a few times a year (I throw out any receipts for things that I’ve already made a credit card payment for and that I definitely won’t be returning).

    5. Chapeau*

      Are they still legible? I bought something for that place we don’t discuss a couple of weeks ago and just realized yesterday that the receipt is fading quickly. No, it’s not in my car or similar, it’s just cheap ink on cheap paper.
      And I had someone recently who had to prove they had paid sales tax on something they bought several years ago. They had stapled the receipt to the manual and the certificate of origin, and you can only read 2 of the 4 numbers in the sales tax amount. The state is treating the sales tax paid as the 2 visible numbers. (I think the math says the tax was 16.74. You can read 1x.x4, so the state says they owe 16.60 because they only paid 14 cents.)
      The IRS accepts pdfs of receipts now, so I scan immediately if I might need it and pitch the ones from the groceries, etc. A gas station I have a loyalty card for now emails the receipt, which I dump into a folder and compare to credit card bill, then delete monthly.

    6. Retired Accountant*

      They rarely make it out if the store. I can’t think of a time that I’ve wished I had a receipt that I had thrown away.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes I love that I can choose no receipt with relative ease these days. For something big like a tv, I’ll get the receipt and attach it to the instructions manual.

      2. Solidarity*

        My only exception is that I freelance so I am supposed to have receipts for taxes, and sometimes I can’t find one and it drives me nuts. But my understanding is that most people don’t itemize.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I just save the big ticket items or the items that I am not sure they will work out and I might return within the month.

      For the big ticket items, I copy the receipt because that shiny paper fades.

      Usually I put the receipt with the owner’s information. This avoids that daunting pile of receipts.

      Food, gas and other weekly consumables I discard those receipts. If the place has a members card they have a record of my transaction because of my store card. (This is where they offer reward points.)

      For monthly bills I save fuel, cable, electric bills for one year then I chuck them. Do remember to keep something with your account number, though.

      I keep a small file in my kitchen, where I can put receipts that I only want to keep for a few months. And I clean that file out several times a year. It’s not a big deal because there’s not much in there. For example, I’d save a receipt for a gallon of paint. But once i use the paint, the receipt can go.

      In thinking about this, you mind find an inroad by asking yourself, “how often have I needed receipts for this item?”. This is what enabled me to toss my electric bill and other stuff.

      If you aren’t holding the receipts next to your credit card statement then you really, really don’t need them. You aren’t looking at them as a normal practice.

    8. FashionablyEvil*

      Unless it’s for a big ticket item or something I think I might need to return or exchange, I automatically toss. I can’t remember the last time I needed a paper receipt for something and didn’t have it.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      It took me a long time to convince Mr T to toss what I called his Leaning Tower of Visa receipts. I keep mine until I get the credit card bill. Once I have paid the bill, I toss the receipt, with the exception that I keep receipts for anything big I might need to return or repair, like a furnace. So – almost nothing, as most furnaces come with invoices that get filed in the “home repair” folder anyhow.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I keep receipts only until the window has closed to act on them, or until I have an electronic record of the transaction: Grocery receipts – a few days, to be sure that (a) all of my items made it into the bag and (b) nothing is spoiled. Store receipts – until I’m past the return window, unless I also have an emailed receipt. Return receipts – until I’m sure the credit has posted. Mailing receipts – until I’m sure the item has fully entered the system (usually I or the recipient will get an email notification).

      The only exception is important financial transactions. I’ll keep those records forever, even if I also have electronic confirmation.

    11. Generic Name*

      I normally keep them in my wallet for a few weeks and then toss them when it’s too overstuffed. If it’s for a big ticket item, like an appliance, I keep those in a file folder in a file drawer. If it’s a clothing item, I’ll try to remember to keep the receipt until I’ve worn the item and know I won’t want to return it.

    13. blue giraffe*

      I keep, until I can no longer return the item (or claim it for waranty) and it gets checked off the credit card bill, if I used a credit card. If I used debit/cash: keep till I can no longer return, then throw the receipt out.

    14. Girasol*

      Toss any that are for stuff I’m very unlikely to take back, like gas or groceries. Throw the slip on the counter for something that needs a check, like the new electric blanket. When I see that it works, toss the slip. For the few things with short warranties, magnet the slips to the fridge side until they’re out of date. If the stack gets so deep that the magnet falls off, it needs to be checked for ones no longer needed. For an appliance with a years-long warranty, clip it to its owners manual and put it in the house-and-appliances document box. When I’m looking for something in that box and see the packet for the fridge or the mower that’s long gone, toss it out. I’m trying not to emulate my grandfolks who had check stubs and mortgage slips saved from before my parents were born.

    15. the cat's ass*

      I have a decorative box near my entryway, and they go in there with annotations if i can get to it. I riffle through the box about once a month and toss most of them but keep the relevant ones for my taxes.

    16. Person from the Resume*

      I save them in a pile for a month or two and then toss. That’s long enough for me to know if I’m going to return anything and thereby need a receipt.

      Basically when the pile gets tall I toss them.

    17. Courageous cat*

      If you’re not ever using them, why bother to keep them? Definitely throw them away. Unless it’s for something you think you might return, just toss it when you leave the store.

    18. grocery store pootler*

      I have a couple of comb-bound books I picked up somewhere which have pockets for every month of the year (they were sold as monthly bill organizers). Assorted receipts that don’t have any other home go in there once a month, into the pocket of the month of the purchase. Every January I discard all the receipts in the older book and relabel it for the new year. I wouldn’t say that I refer to them often or anything, but it has sometimes been handy to be able to easily put my hands on a receipt from the last year or so. I have never wished that I kept them longer; for piddly daily-purchase receipts this year and last year seems to be plenty. Quite possibly more than needed, but it works for me.

      1. BookMom*

        I have two such files, for odd and even years. On a snow day in January I’ll clean out the previous year’s file. It doesn’t feel like such a never ending task if I do a big clean out once a year.

    19. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I throw out paper receipts except for very expensive items and car repairs. My important paperwork is in a hanging file basket, and I keep a folder for important manuals and receipts ( computer equipment, certain furniture, jewelry), and another for car receipts (repairs and inspections,insurance is its own thing).

      My mom keeps all paper receipts, in date order, and compares them to her credit card statements when she balances her checkbook. She has each month’s receipts in its own envelope and keeps them for 1 year. When she deals with this month’s stuff, she adds that envelope to the file and throws out the oldest one.

      My brother discards all paper receipts, but all important purchases are made online so he gets e-receipts in his email.

      Unless you would actually benefit from keeping paper receipts as records, you’re probably better off discarding them. If you have boxes and piles of them, they’re not going to help you AND they’re cluttering your house. It sounds like you’re free to let go of the guilt, and the paper! You can burn them if you have a firepit, put them in the paper/newsprint recycling if it’s available in your area, or simply throw them out, there really isn’t any personal information to worry about on them.

    20. Overwhelmed with Receipts*

      Thanks to everyone for your kind and helpful responses to this overthinker. Have begun the discarding process already and am looking forward to reclaiming this space in my house.

  17. Biff Chippington*

    I recently moved to a new city and rented a house- and I absolutely hate it. The house itself is fine, but there are off leash dogs in the neighborhood, making me really uncomfortable to walk mine. One neighbor has yappy dogs and late night parties. I am seriously thinking about breaking my lease, because two of my favorite activities- walking my dog and sleeping- are really hard to do here. Has anyone broken a lease for “superficial” reasons, and how did it turn out?

    1. germank106*

      I lived in a very nice Apartment, great neighborhood, short commute. Everything was perfect except my upstairs neighbor. They had two very young children and their schedule was so very different from mine. I was working two jobs at the time and seldom got more than four hours of sleep. With all the stomping, screaming and toddlers trying to learn how to walk at around midnight, I got even less than that. I did drop a bug into the landlords ear a few times, but nothing ever changed. I broke my lease about halfway through. The landlord didn’t want to return my deposit and wanted me to pay out my remaining lease. I confronted him with the times I had complained and that there was a clause in my lease about quiet time being between 10pm and 6am. Something the upstairs neighbors clearly violated. I told him to take me to court. About a month later I received a check for the amount of my deposit and I never heard a thing about the remaining lease.

    2. Not A Manager*

      From what you’ve described, it might be hard to get out of your financial obligations. The behavior of the neighbors isn’t within the control of your landlord and doesn’t sound outside of the norms of city living.

      I believe the general rule if you break the lease without a good cause is that you are responsible for the full rent during your rental period *unless* the landlord is able to find a new tenant during that time. The landlord has an obligation to try to find someone, but of course it’s tricky to prove that they didn’t. Many jurisdictions have replaced this general rule with standard liquidated damages – where I am it’s 3 months rent. I believe that this is owed even if the landlord does rent the property immediately.

      So legally you might be on the hook for up to the full remainder of your lease. Practically, though, you have some options. I’d start by being the obnoxious tenant. Complain repeatedly (but politely – don’t be the rude aggressive tenant) about every quasi-legit defect in the house itself. Also, if any representations were made to you about the neighborhood being quiet or dog-friendly, really lean into how that’s not true.

      When you do break your lease, don’t be obnoxious. Politely explain that you simply can’t live in the house with its minor defects. Some landlords, especially in a hot rental market, will be happy to see the back of you. Be prepared not to get any deposits back, but they might let you walk away from future rent. Other landlords will be more aggressive. I’d be prepared to negotiate and offer concessions – see if you can get away with a few month’s rent but not the rest of the lease term, etc. Your biggest negotiating strength is that it’s a huge pain for the landlord to sue you and recover the rent due, so if your more gentle negotiating isn’t going anywhere, tell him to take the offer or he’ll have to sue you.

      The flip side of all this is that you might get a serious ding on your credit score, and you might have trouble establishing yourself as a good tenant in future rental applications. The other flip side, to be honest, is that your complaints aren’t a very strong reason to break a lease. This is a contract that you signed, and if certain things about the neighborhood were important to you, it was up to you to do some inquiring about them. They aren’t your landlord’s responsibility. So if it matters to you not to be someone who quibbles about technicalities to get something you’re not really entitled to, you might want to find ways to walk your dog elsewhere or make sleeping easier where you are.

      Another option in-between breaking the lease or putting up with it, would be to talk to your landlord about your unhappiness and tell them that you really would like to move on, you know you’ve signed a lease, and can they work with you. Again, if the rental market is hot they might be fine with that. If they’re not, you’ve made it harder to go with the “complaining tenant” route, but you’re no worse off than if you’d just decided to stick it out anyway.

    3. fposte*

      I haven’t but I support your doing so. But mostly, holy hell you were fast on that username! Biff just came into existence on Thursday!

        1. fposte*

          It was a reference to Thursday’s Taskmaster episode. Comedians made a short funny video that was ostensibly opening TV episode credits, and one character in it was named Biff Chippington, played by the fictional actor Chip Biffington.

      2. PX*

        Ahaha I just watched the episode yesterday then came back today and was like, wait. I know that name! :’D

    5. kina lillet*

      I’ve broken a lease because when I got into the apartment, it was in significantly worse repair than I had thought. It was just a junky apartment but had seemed much better when there was furniture etc in it. Had to pay rent for about four more months until a new tenant came in.

      Then broke a lease because I bought a condo and moved out. Had to pay an additional half-month’s rent–much better apartment and much tighter rental market.

      It’s possible–if you’re polite and you understand that you’ll be paying some money, the landlords might not try to screw you.

    6. Extra anon*

      Years ago we broke our lease. It was pretty bad though. We went about 12 hours (maybe 18? I don’t recall, but it was overnight) without a toilet, the heat stopped working, the mailbox cluster in the lobby broke and we had to go to the post office to get our mail, and apparently they weren’t paying the trash removal (we had two dumpsters for the building) and the trash company was trying to bill the tenants.

      We went to the office, and they had vacated. We couldn’t get ahold of anyone. We had a miserable winter and the just… Left. Took most of our stuff. Probably have a couple old bicycles still well-locked to a pile in the basement. We didn’t get our deposits back, nor our pet deposits, but we didn’t pay any more rent either.

    7. just another queer reader*

      My roommates and I broke our lease when COVID hit. It was definitely the right decision for us, and I haven’t had any negative repercussions; I was able to rent another apartment later.

      I strongly recommend checking your lease to see what it says about breaking the lease. In my city, it’s common to have to give 2 months notice to break the lease (or pay for the next two months, if you’re leaving earlier).

      You can also reach out to a local renter’s legal aid organization for help.

    8. SofiaDeo*

      Why not find out if there are leash laws, and noise restrictions, that might need to be enforced? It’s a pain when neighbors break rules/laws, but if they are there, you have that option. Not saying it’s easy.

      There are laws related to breaking leases, and yours might have a clause about how to go about it. Check out those first. Last rental we were in, you could break it with 3 months rent up front. And FWIW, we got an extremely noisy neighbor, and *they* ended up getting the boot since they repeatedly broke the noise restrictions. Off leash dogs are more of a problem, but maybe carry pepper spray. Once the dogs have been sprayed a few times, they will learn avoid you. The US Postal Service uses it.

  18. The Prettiest Curse*

    Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone else’s mortifying moment? I sometimes think about the time I was minding my own business at the swimming pool (pre-Covid) and was told that the excessive amount of scented products I was wearing was extremely annoying. I informed the guy that not only was I not wearing any scented products, I couldn’t do so even if I wanted to because I have very sensitive skin.

    He was mortified, and we jointly concluded that the likely source of the scent was one of the women attending the aqua aerobics class also taking place in the pool. And the weird thing is that I couldn’t smell anything at all, even though I’m usually quite sensitive to people wearing a lot of perfume. So strange.

    1. PsychNurse*

      That doesn’t sound mortifying to anyone. He asked you to stop wearing so much perfume and you weren’t wearing any? That was a simple misunderstanding.

    2. Morning reader*

      I’m having trouble thinking of one, but it might be that we are more sensitive to our own embarrassment than others’. Most embarrassing moments among friends are ones I’ve been told about later. The period stain, the skirt left tucked into pantyhose when leaving the bathroom, etc. I’m mostly amazed at this story that anyone can smell anything other than chlorine at a pool.
      Oh I thought of one! Out to dinner with a friend and my early adolescent child who insisted she had great “gaydar” and always knew when someone was gay. Friend laughed and told her he was gay. (I knew that but she didn’t as it had never come up.) I think maybe I was more embarrassed than she was, but it was a good teaching moment. She later was active in her college gay/straight alliance group and is still a good ally, I think.

      1. marvin the paranoid android*

        As a very gay person, it always amuses me when straight people think they are great at being able to tell whether someone is gay. This is … pretty much never accurate, in my experience. It’s a lot more charming coming from a kid though.

    3. Eff Walsingham*

      I can think of a lot more occasions when I thought, “How is that person NOT mortified??” by the effects of their words / actions in public, and yet they show no signs of being so!

      Agree that many things that are mortifying to the person involved are barely a blip to bystanders. Like skirts tucked up showing their entire panties while waiting for the bus. Does anyone else remember back in the 90s, when lots of women wore short flowy floral dresses, yet did not realize that the addition of a heavy backpack would cause them to ride up while walking? I bet I have told a hundred strangers over the years that I could see their slip, underpants, or bottom due to wardrobe malfunctions. Some don’t care or are surly, but the grateful ones make up for it. I only hope that someone would do the same for me if I was walking around like that.

    4. Solidarity*

      I have a friend who favors a certain neckline on her dresses, and she is chesty, and I have witnessed (more than once!!) her, ya know, boob come out or nipple or whatever. Like, in conversation with a group of people she just met. I. Would. Die. But she just kinda rolls with it and carries on and hasn’t changed her wardrobe so I assume she accepts it as something that happens, like sometimes my bra strap or the edge of my bra is showing.

  19. PX*

    I like to keep abreast of news from across the world, but alas, I only really speak English. Does anyone have any good links or ideally Instagram accounts of local-ish news sources from South America, South East Asia and maybe even Eastern Europe that post in English?

    I’m really looking for something from a more local/regional perspective rather than eg the BBC/CNN local reporter. So for example, I follow/read the South China Morning Post (Hong Kong based) and its really interesting to see how they report on a story compared to (for example) BBC.

    My recommendation in this space is DW (German state broadcaster?). They have an English version app and the style and content of their reporting can be so refreshing!

    1. Bagpuss*

      Al Jazeera English might be worth looking at. It’s Qatari owned so Middle East rather than SE Asia but has worldwide coverage and I think employs a lot of local reporters.

      ChannelNewsAsia is Singapore-based

      EuroNews is another option. I think it’s Portuguese-owned.

      Balkan Insight focuses on (you guessed it!) the Balkans although I think they primarily cover local stories rather than giving a different perspective on international ones.

    2. StellaBella*

      Reuters
      GlobalNews . CA
      EuroNews
      VOA web has TV and radio
      NPRWorld
      The Economist
      DW is great too like you say
      APNews
      france24

    3. Emma2*

      This is not a perspective from a different location, but you may find that Democracy Now provides a different perspective on many news stories. They are an American news organisation that has a daily headlines news show and several daily in-depth stories on weekdays (you can find them on YouTube, and I believe also on certain broadcast channels in the US?).
      I find that they will provide in-depth coverage of stories that others are not focusing on, and also are pretty good about bringing in people with a deep understanding of an issue to talk about it (eg a discussion about the current protests with Iranian human rights lawyer Shirin Ebadi, or a discussion of the Tigray crisis with Ethiopian journalist Tsedale Lemma). Their segments are often a bit longer than what you might see on other news shows (eg 18 minutes on the Tigray crisis) and they have discussions that go beyond the types of soundbites you hear on many larger news shows. Democracy Now has a progressive perspective, and that does come through in a number of their stories.

      1. Sparkle llama*

        I once had a commute timed such that I listened to the news on NPR in one direction and Democracy Now in the other. The difference in coverage on some issues was astonishing.

    4. Virtual Light*

      NHK World does some interesting stories around Asia. NHK also does fair number of English-language shows about Japanese food, culture, and travel. I watch on my PBS station (which actually shows a variety of news shows by non-American broadcasters during the afternoon/ early morning) but it’s all online as well. Great question!

    5. Soosoo*

      For opposition news from Russia, look at Meduza. They have an English version or you can put it through Google translate.
      Also Radio Free Europe
      Al Jazeera

    6. Irish Teacher*

      I have no recommendations but just wanted to say I recently came across DW and they are awesome.

    7. Overbooked*

      Try World-Newspapers.com, free online, or your library might provide access to PressReader, a ProQuest product.

  20. Fish*

    The scented shampoo letter and update earlier this month got me thinking- what’s the worst scent mistake you’ve ever made?

    Last year I bought a hand lotion that was supposed to smell like pumpkin spice. About a day and half after I used it, I noticed that my hands smelled strongly of maple syrup. I could still smell it after repeated hand washings, and I remembered hearing about some genetic disorder that made you smell like maple syrup, so I kind of freaked out and spent the next two days googling “hands smell like maple syrup” and “maple syrup smell disease”. (Turns out that’s Maple Syrup Urine Disease, which shows up in infants so I definitely did not spontaneously develop it as an adult).

    Three days later, hands still smelling like a pancake breakfast, it finally occurs to me that I used a new hand lotion and maybe the smell faded into something weird. I did a little patch test on my arm and sure enough, one the top note of pumpkin spiceish smell wore off, the bottom note was straight maple syrup. The tube went straight in the trash after that!

    1. Invisible fish*

      Well, given how much I like maple syrup … I don’t suppose you recall the brand? (I’m serious. That sounds awesome.)

      2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        If you want to smell a bit maple-ish, I recommend fenugreek. I’ve used it in homemade hair masks and it leaves a lovely maple scent without being overly strong or cloying like seasonal soaps and lotions often are. If you have an Indian grocer they’ll likely have it in bulk, maybe labeled “methi”.

          1. Russian in Texas*

            Off topic, but Phoenicia is the BEST store, and I absolutely blow my budget every time I go there.

        2. Clisby*

          I took fenugreek when I was breastfeeding, and had heard it would make your skin smell like maple syrup. It smelled nothing like maple syrup to me, but my husband sniffed my arm once and said, “Mmmmm. You smell like an Indian restaurant.”

    2. anon24*

      Jergins makes scented body lotions that I like to use after a shower. I tried the lavender, eucalyptus, citrus, and sandalwood, and loved them all. They also have a rose scented one of the same exact type, and I love rose scented products, so I got one. In the tube? Smells great. On my skin? Smells like urine. I’ve no idea why. I tried it 3 different times and every time I almost got back in the shower because it smelled like I urinated myself. I ended up giving it to my husband to use because he liked it and it smelled fine on him. It was so weird.

      1. allathian*

        All scents change on your skin. There’s something that doesn’t work with your body chemistry. Pine and cedar scents make me smell like pee..

        1. Phryne*

          Jup! For ages I could not find a perfume that worked for me, my skin made them all smell way too sweet somehow. In the end I went for a scent consult at a boutique perfumery and they found me one that worked for me and did not make me smell like a candy store.
          It has some ingredients that are more commonly used for male-oriented scents, like leather, but that seems to work with my skin. Funnily enough, it also has tube-rose in it, a scent I thought I did not like, but I guess it works differently if combined with scents that ground it rather than enhance the sweetness.

    3. Goose*

      There’s also a spice common in Indian foods that makes you smell like maple syrup. I had the same Google adventure until I found that.

    4. Eff Walsingham*

      Any cologne or perfume with citrus notes smells like rot on me.

      There used to be a piece of advice floating around that if you’re a sucker for a particular men’s cologne you should just buy a little bit for yourself. That’s how I learned that my favourite men’s cologne needs a man under it, or at least to be sprayed on something neutral and kept away from my skin! Otherwise I smell like a truckload of rotting grapefruit.

    5. WellRed*

      An acquaintance did one of those online MLM “ fundraisers” for a good friend who’d had an unexpected serious illness. Readers, it was Scentsy and I didn’t really want anything. I bought a car air freshener and some laundry beads. I hung the air freshener in my unsuspecting car and then didn’t use the car for a few days. Until I did. Picture me starting to back carefully out of driveway, coming to a sudden lurching stop and immediately pulling back into parking spot, frantically rolling down the window, flinging out the air freshener, all the while gagging, eyes watering. I tossed the laundry stuff without even opening it. I spent $30 on this sht and the I’ll friend got like $4.

    6. Jackalope*

      Two things, one my story and one not. I knew someone who’d had some peach-scented lotion she’d really liked. She found some more (from a different company, I think) a few years after having gone without for awhile, and was excited. Then she used some and found that this brand out of the bottle just smelled like a bunch of chemicals on her skin.

      I had just started dating my now-husband who has scent allergies and wasn’t used to thinking about buying stuff that wouldn’t make him sick (and we weren’t yet spending enough time together that I couldn’t just use something between dates and have it be okay). I got some body wash that was argan-scented and when I opened it for him to sniff it about knocked both of us over with the heavy handed smell. I ended up giving that bottle to my sis.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I seem to be under an accidental scented product curse this month. I accidentally purchased scented kitchen garbage bags and scented dog scoop bags. (Both boxes marked in small letters, and it just did not occur to me to look because why would you spray perfume on these?)

      I then bought epsom salts. Target was out of my preferred generic (“Epsom salts! Which are just… epsom salts!”) so I chose the pink Himalyan sea salt ones, expecting it to be normal epsom salts but pink. Massive perfume dose. Nothing on the front of the package about it, so it’s not even like they view it as a selling point. The back of the package does mention a “light, pleasing scent” which may be believable if you use a teaspoon at a time, but my 2 cup baths make the whole upstairs smell of artificial rose.

    8. Longtime Lurker*

      The deodorant that had me asking everyone I talked to “are you wearing bug spray? Do you smell bug spray? Why does it smell like bug spray?”, until I figured it was me and my underarms….

  21. WoodswomanWrites*

    It’s time for a thread about birds.

    I saw my first wintering waterbirds of the season, a group of about 20 wigeons. I’m so excited that they’re back. This year I’m psyched to use new tools for birding. I have a spotting scope that’s small and light enough to put in a daypack, and I got a car window adapter thing to attach it to. I need to make time to figure that out. I also got a newish used car that’s taller, so I’ll be able to see more birds in the wetlands and less vegetation in the way.

    1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      It’s spring here & the noisy, repetitive, annoying mating call of the koel is constant! SHUT UP KOELS.

      Other than that the birds are a constant joy – I was in a friend’s back garden today watching the wrens nesting.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Wild turkeys everywhere! I’ve seen turkeys on people’s lawns, and just yesterday had to stop on a busy road to let a flock of them amble across the street.

    3. Girasol*

      At this season all I hear is the questioning “Tweee?” of the goldfinches as they seek seeds from the last of the sunflowers.

    4. NotARacoonKeeper*

      Our bushtits are back for winter, and I couldn’t be happier to see their tiny floofy round bodies, and the way they frenetically fly around in their family groups like 5 year olds chasing a soccer ball. My heart!

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We were walking back to our car yesterday after lunch and saw a redtail hawk. Not surprising, but always fun to watch, so we stood and watching it circling – and then realized there was a bald eagle up a bit higher in the sky. We see bald eagles a couple of times a year and it always makes me deeply happy.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      We’ve had huge migrating flocks of grackles in the yard. Also mixed flocks of juncos, nuthatches and some bird I can’t see that has a super high pitched call like “seeeeeeeeeee”

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      We have two squirrel-proof sunflower seed feeders (hanging off the dogwood outside the dining room, which is by some pines and burning bush) and they have been wildly popular. Apparently I need to buy more birdseed.

    1. germank106*

      Years ago my Company contracted for a medical supply company. I had to go into nursing homes and other care facilities to set up the equipment and provide several days worth of training. On one of those visits a nurse asked me if I had lunch yet. I didn’t and she offered to share hers. It was a delicious (and spicy) gumbo. I complimented her cooking skills and she said her brother had cooked it. Another Nurse jokingly said “hey, we have to set you up with that brother”…..and they did. Twenty five years later we are still happily married. We have survived five children, their spouses, and will welcome grandchild number eleven in December.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband and I just had our fifth anniversary last month. We’d been friends for years before we started dating – I was at his first wedding with my then-fiance, he and his then-wife were invited to my previous wedding but didn’t make it. After I got divorced (mostly because of my being ace), I adopted his dog because they were moving overseas. They ended up splitting and he moved back, I told him he couldn’t have my dog back but he could crash on me and my roomie’s couch for a while until he figured out what his next steps were. He never left, and we joke that he married me to get the dog back. (She passed right before our fourth anniversary last year, so now the joke is, he stays with me because of the other two dogs.) I was not expecting when he proposed; last I knew we were both on team “we don’t need to get married again,” so my first three answers were some variant of “um, are you sure you want to do that?” Heh.

      1. ShinyPenny*

        Your story makes me so happy! Each of my dogs has been fantastic. It makes absolute sense to me that mutual love for a dog could be the basis of a happy partnership :)

    4. MissCoco*

      I’m allosexual(ish), but my partner is on the ace spectrum. We just got married last month, so I feel like even as an allosexual I can call that an ace dating success story. We’ve talked about his exact identity, but he doesn’t care to apply a specific ace label to himself, aside from feeling that some flavor of ace describes him, but not always the same one.

      We met though a friend, and he was basically all in from the jump. I worked through a lot of anxieties with my therapist (not that he was throwing up any red flags, it was hard for me to accept someone feeling so confident in me as a relationship partner). Early in our relationship we did have some sexual intimacy, and we’ve always had a lot of non-sexual physical intimacy like snuggling and holding hands. Our relationship has always been a partnership, and that’s what marriage means to us as well.

  23. Ellis Bell*

    Wondering if anyone has ever come across the following customs following a death, as I’m trying to track down their origin before they disappear. I suppose you would call them wakes, but we don’t refer to them as such, it’s just the time between death and the funeral. I grew up in a small town outside a major port. The people in the town were rehoused from the dockland tenements and were pretty much all descended from various cultures as immigrants. Not everyone in the town follows these rituals. I used to think it was just a Catholic thing, but not every Catholic here does this. Then I thought the traditions must originate from Ireland (the majority of the community heritage here) but I don’t think they line up with Irish traditions exactly; we don’t stop clocks and we make sure windows are closed rather than open. First the deceased is washed and dressed (traditionally at home but now undertakers do this elsewhere before bringing them back home). The area where the deceased will be visited is very closed off. This always involves closed and curtained windows and the walls are lined with fabric known as “funeral sheets”. When my grandfather died it was actual sheets used, which had been embroidered with a satin crucifix. For my dad it had moved on to pintucked voile curtains which completely covered all the walls. The ladies who did this (family friends) asked my mother if she wanted the mirror covering with the fabric too. When my mother asked why they said it was just a tradition and superstition. Lights in this area are important – lots of candles or lamps and these cannot go out. The deceased is sat with all day and night, for a few days. Visitors come and go to help with this, so the nearest relatives can rest, and everyone brings food. The rosary is said on the penultimate evening and the coffin leaves for the funeral the next day. The same ladies who dressed the room stay back to make sure the room is undressed and that all the windows are uncurtained and flung open for when the family return.

    1. curly sue*

      The mirror covers, and the community group sitting with the body are traditions found in Judaism – look up ‘chevra kadisha’ for more there. I’m not sure about the rest of it.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        same with having someone sit with the body around the clock between the death and the funeral.

        That said, hanging sheets on the wall, the rosary, having many days between the death and the funeral, lots of people visiting the body, etc., are not.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I had no idea there were so many similarities aside from the covered mirrors – thank you both. Deeply interesting.

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      You might really enjoy Caitlin Doughty’s book From Here to Eternity which talks about death customs around the world. The types of traditions you’re talking about sound somewhat Victorian to me (and agree about the Jewish angle). Hope you figure it out!

    3. Formerly in HR*

      In Romanian Orthodox traditions some of these are also present – dead person is cleaned and dressed (by old women), the set for wake in a room where mirrors and windows are covered with black fabric (I think it’s supposed to prevent Death from taking more souls, or make the soul of the dead person not see their reflection and thus linger on Earth), black fabric is draped above all doors and gates (as a sign that the household is in mourning), candles must be always burning until the body is interred, old women or relatives lament loudly about the dead, relatives and neighbours and pretty much anyone can come and pay respects and sit/wake with the dead so they are not alone (stories are told to reminesce), wine/drinks and candy/snacks are served. When the dead leaves the house, a mug is broken when the threshold is passed (I think its shards are supposed to prevent the soul of the dead from re-entering and tormenting the remaining living family). Some old women or relatives are left home when eeveryones leaves for the cemetery and they are supposed to remove the leftovers and signs of the wake, including the black fabric.

  24. So exhausted helpppp*

    My MIL is still bitter from her decades ago divorce and has no friends or siblings willing to help her. As a result, she calls on my SO to do tasks that would require a roofer, electrician, mover, shopper. Basically grooming into the spouse she never had, which takes SO away from me and new baby (while baby’s sick or screaming post-vaccine). SO’s fed up with her as she recently called the cops thinking crooks were trying to break into her roof. She constantly cries wolf and my own marriage to SO is worn bc of it because MIL cites the newest calamity saying her life’s on the line, bombards SO with texts to help now, SO leaves me with baby for hours alone.

    SO’s reached a limit and notices MIL’s mental health spiraling but not enough to get committed. She tries to move out of her large messy house but there’s too much junk. I reached out to property attorneys but what else can we do? She got fired by her own therapist. SO’s therapist went AWOL during the pandemic and is searching for therapists now. Therapists are hard to come by!

    What resources are there to help a retired woman mentally functional but mentally unwell on the inside? She threatens SO she’d harm herself if he didn’t help out. She has another adult kid who lives out of state with a newborn. Just 2 family members in the world. But she’s the worst energy vampire ever and insisted on SO helping her with her furnace thermostat even though SO was sick with a fever and our baby was screaming after getting a vaccine. She wants more and more, brags about all the fresh fruit she has and never offers us any while demanding he help her always. SO has no idea what to do and MIL stomps on boundaries. And SO knows he’s the only one that shows up for her selfish self. We considered moving to the opposite end of the country, but that means leaving my parents who’ve offered free childcare from time to time. SO can’t live with himself if a true emergency happened to MIL and he wasn’t there. I say let him step aside and bring in the best help…but we don’t know what that even looks like.

    Any phone numbers we can call? Organizations? Attorneys? Help! (Thanks)

    1. KatEnigma*

      Call your local center on aging, etc.

      It sounds like dementia to me. You’re going to have to fight to get medical POA and get her placed into a memory care unit, once you get her to a doctor and she gets diagnosed.

      1. Bluebell*

        Seconding this – when my SIL’s dementia was becoming an issue, I called the center on aging/ senior services in my town and hers, and both places were very helpful.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Even if she’s willing to sign a POA (You might sell it as making it easier for SO to help her.), it may not hold up if she isn’t compos mentis when she signs it. Though someone would have to object for that to become an issue, I think.
        Seconding @Bluebell’s recommendation for local agency for the aging/elderly.
        Local bar association may be able to recommend an attorney with experience in elder law: even family law attorneys don’t all have that specific expertise.

    2. Venus*

      I have no organizations to suggest, but Captain Awkward might be helpful. I’ll post a link in the reply to Alice.

    3. Double A*

      There are adult protective services; contacting them and talking about your options could be a start.

    4. Anon for this one*

      Lots of experience with this (aging parents with dementia) in the past 5 years in California. Before I get to that part though, I would recommend sitting down with your spouse and just communicating together, calmly. You say your spouse is equally frustrated with the situation (and probably grappling with very complex emotions), so please reassure each other you are a team, and acknowledge these are tough times. In my experience, aging parent drama is one of the biggest marital strain, and communication helps a LOT. Maybe one of the pieces that could help you is regular childcare help, like just have a babysitter come over every Saturday morning (or whatever), so you get some immediate relief. I promise you, this will be a long haul.
      Now onto the parent. I am not as convinced as other commenters that “this is dementia”. [Both my inlaws were diagnosed with dementia, one Alz and one Lewy Body.] Maybe it is or maybe it isn’t. The first step is for spouse to start documenting what they observe of her condition at each interaction. This will help track deterioration or changes. Next, spouse can attempt a serious conversation with parent about medical needs, and try to get the medical power of attorney in place (you can probably obtain this form from the doctor’s office) – basically what you want is for her docs to be able to communicate with spouse about her condition. Next, schedule a full competency workup with her main medical provider (or they might refer you to someone else like a geriatric care provider). That will be the baseline. Since spouse is local, it will be easier for them to manage this than the distant sibling – just agree as a couple that it will take some amount of time weekly for “Mom Management” [and maybe this is the same amount of time you book a babysitter for]. I would definitely advise looping in the distant sibling, because obviously you don’t want them parachuting in later and derailing everything. [Ask me how I know…] Spouse should get on mom’s checking account so they can pay for things using her own money – really try not to subsidize anything because that creates expectations and muddies the financial waters. Take away mom’s car keys by any means necessary. From there, see what the baseline says, and proceed accordingly.
      Typically you wouldn’t need an attorney by this point unless spouse or sibling are litigious. Nothing you’ve described is at all close to what would qualify for a conservatorship.
      Protective services is very geared to immediate threats, not the medium stage planning you are at.
      There are senior housing consultants who can help guide spouse to an appropriate nursing home/board and care for mom. Do NOT put her in a memory care facility without the appropriate dementia diagnosis – they are way more expensive and way more regulated (in a bad way). A normal supportive senior complex might be just fine at this stage.
      Good luck, and honestly my best advice is to stay connected to spouse, talk to each other about your feelings and how you can support each other. Don’t let this situation (on top of the stress of having an infant) tear you apart.

    5. Ellis Bell*

      I think the help needed is for you and your partner. Particularly your SO, if they’ve been parentified and made to feel responsible from a young age. Maintaining boundaries and caring for a newborn is tough, particularly when you’re under emotional duress from a parent. Is it possible that your MiL mental health is truly spiralling and she’s truly suicidal? Yep. But there’s no way that simply riding along with any and all demands could possibly help with that. Is it also possible that your MiL has upped her demands on her child because they feel they will lose their last source of support to a new baby? Also yes. Although this is aimed at romantic relationships, this link might prove helpful for dealing with suicide threats in triage mode: https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-to-do-if-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

    6. Missb*

      I’m going to echo the aging/family services. Even during the pandemic, they’ve been fantastic. I’ve called them to open a case on a neighbor that was clearly in mental decline and they responded within a day, sending out a caseworker to work with her. She continued to decline until she was moved to memory care. I’m still not convinced she ended up with the funds from the sale of her house but I’m also not privy to what the social worker found out.

      Similarly, I called the equivalent service in my mother’s state when she was recovering from Covid (her husband died at the hospital of Covid at the same time but she stuck it out at home, refusing basic care). They assigned a caseworker and got her at least food and some visits, which was all she would take at that point.

      So basically, call in the Calvary.

    7. Phoebe*

      Something super helpful for us was couples counseling. REALLY helped on setting boundaries with in laws and getting on the same page together. I reached out to tons of therapists and it helped massively. Just a different approach for the therapy angle!

    8. Chapeau*

      Is there something like 211 in your area? It’s a clearinghouse run by the United Way (I think) that connects people with a variety of social services. You call them, and work your way through the phone tree.
      There may also be both non-profit and for-profit organizations that can handle some of all of MIL’s needs, but they tend to be area-specific, AFAIK. 211 may be able to connect you with them, or you might have to ask friends, family, people at church, etc for recommendations. And you definitely want recommendations, as there are both good and not-so-good ones.

    9. Emma*

      My mother in law has schizophrenia. The only way is boundaries. We’ve looked at legal options (and talked to an attorney about guardianship), and they’re expensive and not great (like $10k plus to try to take her rights, a la Britney Spears, and then still few options if she refuses her meds).

      So boundaries are where it’s at. My mother in law would have my husband over there every weekend if he was willing. She’d also definitely want to stay in our house. But giving into her doesn’t do anything for her, really. The cycle just keeps going. It just drains us.

      So, we have a hard line of not having her stay with us, and my husband will help will odd jobs when he can, but our family comes first. She can hire a handy person if she really needs one.

      Protect your energy. No one else will!

      Since your husband is having such a hard time with boundaries, what about counseling for him, or couples counseling for you both, since it affects your marriage. Way cheaper than divorce! We found a great counselor on the psychology today website, who was covered by insurance, and did everything virtually.

  25. Cat Quest*

    Hey All, I am planning on adding a kitten or young cat or two to my household next week. It’s been years since I’ve had a young cat, and I think this is an opportunity to raise them without (some) bad habits. What are some things that you’ve experienced cats doing that you’d rather they not? Also, any tips for discouraging those behaviors? And vice versa, what positive behaviors can be encouraged? (First on my list, wearing a collar or harness.)
    One of my late cats had a bad habit of scratching the frame around the front door. That’s an obvious one but I’m curious about others. What would you teach a kitten, if you could?
    (Inspired by the cats on counters thread.)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Personally I don’t let cats in my bedroom because I don’t need to hear about the half inch of empty space at the bottom of the food bowl at 2am or be woken up by rampaging nonsense running over my head. But I also would be super hardcore at getting a kitten used to a food schedule from the get-go rather than free feeding.

      1. Cat Quest*

        Hm, I think I will keep younger cats separated from my Grumpy Old Cat at first, until they get used to each other. Would it be mean to let Old Cat sleep with me but keep the kittens out?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Mean, no, but I’m actually getting a version of this with my dogs – my grumpy old dog sleeps on my bed and has done since she was a year old, my 8 month old puppy is a Great Dane and currently pushing 85 pounds with another probably 40 yet to come so she sleeps in her giant crate in the bedroom because she won’t FIT on the bed, and she’s started recognizing the Great Injustice and making her objections known at bedtime when the crate door closes. So it might not be a popular decision since you can’t exactly explain the logic to them. :)

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          I just dealt with that issue, we found a stray kitten less than a month old, and already had an older cat for years. We were able to borrow a cat tent, I think its designed to let the cat sit outside safely. The kitten stayed in the tent in the living room unless someone was directly supervising her. She had everything she needs in there, food, water, litter, toys, blankets, and a cardboard box that she decided is her “den”. At night, the older cat still went to sleep in mom’s room, and the kitten stayed in the tent. Once she was big enough to navigate the house safely, we introduced her to the bedroom and brought her litter and “den” in there. Big cat is still a little grumpy about it but the biggest issue was the litter boxes. His is in the bathroom, but neither of them likes having hers in there too. So now hers is on a puppy pee pad next to the hallway door, as far away from his as they can be and still share the bedroom at night. That calmed everything down.

          As long as each cat has their own spaces, for litter, food, and various sleeping spots, they’ll most likely be just fine.

    2. Solidarity*

      Do not feed your cat when you first wake up. You don’t want the association between you getting up and them getting fed, because they are just smart enough to figure that means if they *wake* you up (at dawn) they will get food, or God forbid you ever oversleep. I have told hundreds of people this (I foster cats) and most people don’t listen to me and then come back later and sheepishly tell me I was right. If you can, get the kitten used to free-feeding without gorging (will not work for all cats but I’ve had good luck) or if you have to feed in the AM before you leave for work, do it last thing before you leave, or get an auto-feeder that goes off in another room.

      1. Jackalope*

        We did it a bit differently. We do special food at night (wet food, for example), and free feeding all day. We top up kibble right before bed and right after getting up, but since the cats go from having kibble to having… slightly more kibble, they don’t get pushy in the morning.

    3. Double A*

      We have one rule in our house: no cats on the table or counter. The only cat who doesn’t respect this rule is the one we got as a kitten. He just doesn’t have that jumpiness that most cats have so trying to having him associate the table with unpleasantness…doesn’t work. Possibly because he was a bottle baby so he just thinks he’s people.

    4. SuprisinglyADHD*

      One thing to keep in mind: do not encourage behaviors that you don’t want an adult cat to have. For instance, chewing on your fingers is cute for a kitten but not an adult cat. Climbing up your pant leg is adorable when it weighs a pound, less so when it’s 6 pounds. It’s way easier not to let the habit develop than it is to break it.

      Whenever possible, instead of punishing the cat, re-direct it’s attention. If it’s stealing your pens, keep decoy toys on the desk to hand over. If it’s scratching the furniture, bring it to the scratching post, even scratch the post yourself as an example (this worked very well with our older cat). We’ve been training the kitten to lick instead of giving love bites, it’s really cute and something we won’t be upset about when she’s an adult.

    5. 1LFTW*

      I’m a bit late to this but:

      Handle your kitten, a lot! Pick up your kitten. Hold your kitten. Play with its paws.

      Do this for a few seconds at a time, and stop *before* the kitten gets squirmy, so it doesn’t develop negative associations with being handled. You can start at 3 seconds (young kittens are very VERY squirmy) and if the kitten tolerates that well, go up to five seconds after a day or two, etc. Once the kitten is reasonably well-acclimated to having its paws handled, start acclimating it to having its nails trimmed.

      I say this as someone whose current iteration of cats were both adopted as adults, and nail trims are… more difficult than I (or they, honestly) would like them to be.

    1. Going anon for this one*

      Any good memoirs/documentaries/podcasts on ED people can recommend? Particularly interested in stories of atypical seeming people (so not Jeanette McCurdy, as powerful as her story is, as a young thin white woman).

    2. sagewhiz*

      The Secret Life of a Weight-Obsessed Woman: Wisdom to live the life you crave. Iris Ruth Pastor’s memoir of recovery from bulimia, after keeping it secret for 40-some years.

    3. Virtual Light*

      The NYT just ran an article about people who don’t fit the stereotype that society has about eating disorders; there might be further paths to follow from that. Search “you don’t look anorexic” NYT and it should come up.

    5. Marge*

      The Weight and Healthcare newsletter is a great resource on weight loss broadly from a HAES angle with some eating disorder topics: https://weightandhealthcare.substack.com/about?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email.

      Maintenance Phase also discussed systemic issues with diets and disordered eating in their BMI episode, and one of the co-hosts is fat and frequently discusses her experiences living in a larger body and being encouraged to engage in disordered eating to lose weight.

      Virginia Sole-Smith’s Burnt Toast newsletter also often discusses diet culture and eating disorders: https://virginiasolesmith.substack.com/. It often has a parenting angle FYI and a range of topics, but I enjoy the creativity.

      The Black.Nutritionist is a good resource on specifically how westernized so much health and diet advice is: https://instagram.com/black.nutritionist?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=. FYI she does often discuss weight loss so your mileage may vary.

      Hope these help!

  27. Anon in IL*

    Sorry if a duplicate comment. First one did not post.

    Does anyone have recommendations for a desk chair:

    1. For shorter people, 15 to 17 inches from seat to floor
    2. No wheels or swivel base
    3. Arm rests
    4. Lightly padded seat ok but firm (no “easy chair” style)
    This is for my elderly mother who needs a chair she can rise from easily. Proving very difficult to find. For safety reasons using a footstool is not an option.

    1. allathian*

      Good luck, it could be difficult because chairs for people with mobility issues tend to be higher, so that you can drop on your feet when you stand up. Would a higher chair work if it had a built in footrest?

      1. Anon in IL*

        Probably not but thanks for the suggestion. She needs to plant her feet firmly in the floor and then “push off” with the arm rests. The chair she has now is the right height but on wheels so it rolls when she “pushes off”. I don’t think the Physical Therapist knew how hard this would be to find.

      2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        A wicker chair might work. I have two white ones in my home office; I thi k the, were from Ikea 15 years ago.
        It would be easy to saw off an inch or two if they should be too high. They have armrests and are very light so movable but they stay put when getting up.
        I use them for visitors but also for sime gaming (flight simulation requires rudder pedals so my swiveling office chair does not work).

      1. Oysters and gender freedom*

        Ooh yes, I did this for my dad. You can buy feet to replace the wheels. It takes a firm pull to get the wheels out but no tools.

    3. LuckySophia*

      If you google or go on Amazon for “Carex Upeasy Seat Assist Plus Chair Lift” or “Carex Uplift Premium Seat assist” you’ll see a device that can be added to a regular, non-wheeled chair to help someone stand up. I realize this doesn’t answer your question about finding a suitable desk chair itself, but if she has difficulty rising from a seated position in general, this might also help if she’s having difficulty getting up from a sofa or easy chair.

    4. Trawna*

      I had this issue (chairs being too high, and giving me sciatica). I buy teen sized chairs, and have had good luck with Pottery Barn Teen.

    5. SuprisinglyADHD*

      For my grandma, we got furniture coasters/rubber feet to put the wheels in. The chair couldn’t roll away anymore, and she got to keep using her favorite kitchen chairs.

      For something smaller, you may have success with well-made wooden children’s furniture. They tend to be sturdy and stable for safety reasons (little kids climb and stand on anything flat).

  28. allathian*

    Little joys thread, what brought you joy this week? I had my flu shot yesterday, yay! I must admit that I’m sore today, but it will pass. I also had my first shingles shot, I had varicella as a kid so I’d be at risk.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My puppy got spayed and gastropexy-ed on Monday, so she’s been meandering around the house since I picked her up on Thursday night in bright red post-op pajamas rather than the cone. Very stylin’ and cheerful looking :)

    2. Frankie Bergstein*

      I went to a walking tour of my city, and everyone else there was from here! We all wanted to see our city from a different perspective – how cool!

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      On vacation this weekend. I met up with a former coworker that I miss working with for a coffee at a cafe near the beach and it was just lovely. He’s a sweetheart and it was great catching up. I also got to see the Pacific Ocean and the weather here is beautiful.

      I’m also have a huge studio Airbnb for myself so I’m happy as can be.

    5. fposte*

      I officially have signed up for recorder lessons.

      allathian, how did you fare with the shingles shot? That was the biggest reaction I ever had to a shot and I had it to both doses. Nothing evil, and it was over within 24 hours almost exactly, but it was definitely a level of symptoms that would have made me think “Whoa, I’m really sick” if it hadn’t been from a shot.

      1. WellRed*

        I had my shingles shot this year. No issues but my tetanus booster stole two days of my life. I’ve had the same bad reaction previously and have decided never again unless I actually get exposed to tetanus.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that’s funny, I’ve never had issues with that one. It is amazing how varied responses can be.

        2. Pippa K*

          For what it’s worth, I had an unpleasant (but not dangerous) reaction to a tetanus booster some years ago, which made me approach my recent booster with some trepidation. But it was fine – sore arm for a couple of days, but nothing worse. Bit of a relief, as I want to stay current on it.

      3. allathian*

        I got sick from the shingles shot, it felt like I had Covid all over again. My arm was very sore. I had the appointment at 10.30 and started to feel worse about 5 hours after that. I’m glad I scheduled it for a Friday because I wouldn’t have been fit to work the next day. I took two 1 hour naps and got a full night’s sleep, too. That said, I usually get sick after the flu shot… But I’ll definitely schedule the booster for Friday as well!

        1. allathian*

          Now almost 48 hours later I’m finally pretty much back to normal, although my arm is still sore.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        I didn’t have the least reaction to my first shingles shot. Stay tuned for how the second one goes. On a related note, one of my biggest little joys this week was that I got my flu shot and had NO reaction whatsoever! The flu shot usually makes me sick as a dog for a day or two.

    6. CharlieBrown*

      I’m starting a new photography project and needed neutral background. So I went to the hardware store and found a cheap piece of decent pine board and milk paint. The color is called “Eclipse” and it came out in a beautiful shade of very dark, very matte gray. I can’t stop looking at it, it’s so beautiful!

    7. WellRed*

      I just wrapped a busy conference week out of town after a busy month that included a wedding, a concert ( both out of town), weekend camp adventure with old friends, and mom visit. I…don’t have to do a damn thing this weekend but may hit up target.

    8. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      2020 brought my industry to total shutdown, so splurging ended and some important things were put on hold. 2022 came back strong and I was able to replace my driveway this week. It’s a silly joy, but it feels good not to have to throw chunks of asphalt in the trash every week.

    10. Laura H.*

      Seeing others post this when I’m late is always a joy.

      I’m excited for our block party tomorrow as it’s the first one in three years!

    11. the cat's ass*

      I had dinner with one of my favorite people last night!

      I got my flu shot yesterday (and don’t feel great today, but oh well)!

      My sweet demented kitty loves his new compounded liquid chicken flavored BP medicine-no more chopping a tiny little pill into fourths!

    12. Girasol*

      Went out on a volunteer day with Fish and Game. It rained the whole time except when it hailed or snowed. But that’s okay because there’s nothing like the feeling of coming home soaked, muddy, and cold to wash off in a hot shower, climb into dry fluffy clothes, and relax.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Yay! So glad you’re taking good care of yourself!

      I got some more work done on my endless late taxes. Baby steps . . . .

    14. Missb*

      I finally did some canning this week. We tore out our kitchen in January and it’s back to mostly being usable.

      Since it is pear season, I canned some pear drizzle. It’s basically a cooked pear jam with some scrapped vanilla bean. It’s awesome over some goat cheese (on crackers).

      Felt good to actually can something. I missed jam and pickle season and even applesauce.

    15. Vanellope*

      I took my middle school daughter to volleyball practice and they ended up drafting parents to have a daughter/parent scrimmage. I played in high school but haven’t been on the court in years! It felt good. But I still can’t serve overhand though. :)

    16. Eff Walsingham*

      Sold an object on face book market place! First time ever. The object was heavy and awkward and potentially useful for the right person, but we don’t drive so we couldn’t take it anywhere to donate or recycle it.

      I’d tried a local Buy Nothing group and a buy/sell/trade group for similar objects, but no one took it. So I was forced (!) to accept $20 from a nice stranger with a nice car who has driven off into the sunset with it! (I “let” him bargain me down from $25 so we could both feel victorious.)

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I’ve had to get rid of a bunch of very large things the last several years (closed an office and had a few family members pass away) and I’ve had great luck with FB Marketplace! Amazing how something you need to get rid of is just what somebody a couple of miles away needs.

    17. ShinyPenny*

      I finally had the bandwidth to reach out to an old friend. It was her turn to call me, but she just wasn’t calling! I was a bit concerned–Was she ill? Was she mad? Had I done something wrong? (Brain weasles!)
      So I remembered this morning during the right time window, and she answered! We had a really nice chat.
      Turns out she’d miss-remembered my phone number, and “had been a bit worried because you never answered your phone.” Lol.
      So many great reminders: Brain weasles are tricky devils. And, phones become become an increasing challenge as people age– a technological tool that once was thoughtlessly easy, can gradually become prohibitively befuddling.
      I think it’s time for me to be the one who reaches out, now.

    18. Turtle Dove*

      I ordered an Etsy seller’s smell-alike perfume oil that’s nearly identical to Clairol Herbal Essence shampoo (remember the green bottle?), which I adored in the 70s. It makes me happy to smell it again. I rarely wear fragrances, but I’ve been applying this perfume oil to my wrists twice a day. Can’t get enough of it!

    19. WoodswomanWrites*

      I went to an organic bakery that makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies on the planet and bought some for my four neighbors in my building and left them by their doors. It’s fun to surprise them and make them happy. And of course I got an extra one for me to enjoy tomorrow.

    20. Rara+Avis*

      School play weekend. Enjoyed my kid’s 15 seconds of fame as a G-man in “You Can’t Take it with You.”

    21. Random tuesday*

      New baby fish appeared in my tank! It’s very cute with disproportionately large fins compared to the adults.

    22. The Other Dawn*

      I visited a friend yesterday and she wanted fresh apples, so she asked if I’d go with her to a local orchard that has a shop outfront. I’d never been there and OMG they have the best apple cinnamon scones! I’ve never in my life encountered a scone that wasn’t dry, so I avoid them; however, they looked as though they might be moist, as they weren’t as thick as the scones I usually see in stores and bakeries. I’m so glad I bought some. They were incredibly moist, and filled with lots of apples and cinnamon. Needless to say, the two scones I bought disappeared on the drive home (she lives 45 minutes away). I also bought some snickerdoodle cookies (divine!), apple cider donuts, apple caramel loaf cake, and kettlecorn. Their apple cider donuts are the best I’ve ever had–they actually smell and taste like apples, unlike the ones I’ve bought at the store.

    23. VegetarianRaccoon*

      We had a special Halloween event at the school I work for this week, it was great to see the kids have fun and cut loose a little (it’s generally a very strict and serious program most of the time).

    24. Irish Teacher*

      My students may THE most awesome Halloween video. Now, they did make so much noise doing it (chucking chairs across the room to make it appear like there was a poltergeist) that it brought the deputy principal out of his office, thinking there was a riot or something going on! But it was really well done and they planned it all themselves, with no input from me beyond “there’s editing software here, so ye can make whatever changes ye want.”

      And we are now on mid-term break for a week so a week to relax.

    25. GoryDetails*

      An unexpected delight: this year’s “Treehouse of Horrors” on “The Simpsons” includes an anime-style segment called “Death Tome,” based on the “Death Note” manga/anime – and it’s hilarious! Seeing the Simpsons characters in anime style is entertaining in itself, and having Lisa take on Light’s role as wielder of the Death Tome is pretty cool.

    26. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      A book translation from Russian that I did some five years ago — and about which I’d heard nothing from the publisher since submitting it — came out on Thursday, and I found out serendipitously on Facebook the day after. The one I’m currently working on proofreading comes out in late December, which brings the total number of books I’ve translated in my life up to four (two from Swedish, two from Russian).

  29. Tired Accountant No More*

    Suggestions for getting hard water stains off quartz countertops? We have some stubborn ones around the sink that I haven’t been able to get off with our regular cleaner. I’ve been trying to be extra proactive with wiping up water, and usually have a towel up around the faucet which doing dishes, so it hasn’t gotten worse, but I’d really like to get the stubborn spots up.

    1. Newbie*

      Soak a rag or paper towel in vinegar and let it sit on the spots for a while, then wipe/scrub off.

      1. Emma2*

        I am not sure that vinegar is safe on quartz, I think it can damage it (I agree that vinegar can remove hard water stains on some surfaces, but I would look this up first as it may cause more problems on the quartz).

    2. Solidarity*

      Man, I need all these tips. I was so excited to get granite countertops (not sure if that’s the same reaction as quartz) and then the guy mentioned as he was leaving that bleaching would discolor them, and not to put hot things on them (!?!) and *then* my mom mentioned that water will discolor them. What the hell?? I would not have gotten them if I knew how easy they were to mess up, and you can’t even bleach them clean? My kitchen counter gets USED, people!!!

        1. Solidarity*

          I don’t want to hijack OP’s thread if the care is different, but is there like, a sealant I should have bought, or something? I’m really annoyed, the guy who installed them barely told me a thing about the care and maintenance (it was a subcontractor of the kitchen reno people) and now I have no idea what I’m doing with these stupid things. I wish I had asked for a different material now, as there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep these nice.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Yes, it can be sealed and that will help. It needs to be repeated occasionally, how often depends on the sealant. Google “sealing granite”, there’s a helpful Bob Vila article out there.

    4. Missb*

      Check the kitchen forum at Houzz. Apparently sometimes it is the adhesive they used during install. The experts there will chime in and tell you if it can be fixed or if it’s just going to keep happening. And you can post photos there. Seriously helpful folks!

      (I chose soapstone. Nothing soaks into it, I can set a hot pan on it, cleans up with water… sorry, but if you’re doing a kitchen please consider soapstone!)

  30. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Soup! With the weather getting colder (or at least supposed to be getting colder), what is your favorite soup?

    I’ll put my favorite recipe in the comments.

    1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      This is mine:

      Lentil Soup with Lemon & Cilantro (can’t remember where I got it from, but if by chance you’re reading this and this is your recipe, thank you!!)

      2 tbsp olive oil
      1 onion
      Garlic
      2 tbsp tomato paste
      2 tsp ground cumin
      1/2 tsp salt, or to taste
      1/2 tsp black pepper
      1/4 tsp chili powder (plus more to season at the end if you wish)
      4 cups (32 oz carton) chicken or vegetable stock
      4 cups water
      2 cups lentils
      2 potatoes, diced
      2 tbsp lemon juice
      6 tbsp fresh cilantro

      Heat olive oil and garlic over medium heat.
      Stir in the onion. Cook until the onion has turned golden brown, about 5 minutes.
      Stir in the potatoes, tomato paste, cumin, salt, black pepper, and chili powder. Cook and stir 2 minutes more until the spices are fragrant.
      Stir in the chicken/vegetable broth, water, and lentils.
      Bring to a boil, the reduce the heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer until the lentils and potatoes are salt, about 30 minutes.
      Stir in the lemon juice and cilantro, then season to taste with salt.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        Thank you for this! This has some of my favorite things in it and it sounds amazing!

        (I’ve gotten so many good recipes ideas from the Saturday threads, that I finally started copying and pasting them into a Google Doc. This one makes in 23 pages. I have no idea when I’ll have time to try all these.)

        2. Retired Accountant*

          I love this soup and have made it for many people who think they won’t like lentil soup and they also love it.

        3. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

          That might actually be the original recipe I posted here. (I substituted potatoes for the carrots, not because I have anything against carrots, but because I really like lentil soup with potatoes). Thank you!

    2. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      People tell me that my classic chicken soup is outstanding. Of course I love it.

      My secret recipe is using chicken legs, a couple of chicken backs and chicken gizzards, then letting is simmer for 6 hours ( yes, lots of veggies).

      When it cools there is an obnoxious amount of chicken schmaltz, which is scraped off the top and used sparingly for other recipes.

    3. KatEnigma*

      Split pea soup! That requires the eating of a bone-in ham before hand, with lots of meat left on it and extra ham for the soup itself.

      One generously left ham bone
      large carrots cut into chunks or whatever looks good of baby carrots
      1 large onion
      2 celery stalks
      1 bag of split peas (I prefer green, but yellow is fine)
      at LEAST a gallon of water. More than the recipe on the back of peas calls for, as it needs to be enough to really cook down.

      Let simmer for 4 hours, remove the ham bone, putting meat that still clings to it back into soup. Let simmer an hour more, or however long you want. I like it thick. DO NOT SALT the soup until it’s cooked down. Some hams are saltier than others and usually I don’t add salt at all. My mother likes to add a TBS of peppercorns. I hate biting into peppercorns, so I don’t.

      1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        I use smoked pork neck bones instead of ham. I put 3-4 pounds of the neck bones in the slow cooker overnight on high to start the stock.

        In the morning, I pick out the bones and meat, strain the stock, and let everything cool in the fridge. Then I skim the fat off the stock and reheat it while I carefully separate the meat from the bones into a glass or metal bowl. (Any small bone chips will clink against the glass.)

        This is how I start my ham and bean soup, too.

      2. allathian*

        This is very like the traditional Finnish split pea soup. Ham is a traditional Christmas main course, and my MIL’s husband makes a great soup for 12th night.

        Except that we tend to add raw onion and mustard to the soup in the bowl, just before eating it. Our recipe also doesn’t include celery, just as well because it’s the one flavor I hate more than even cilantro/soap…

    5. Girasol*

      Campfire stew. In brownie scout day camp it was made over the fire by browning ground beef and dumping an industrial-sized can of alphabet soup over it. At home I make it with bone broth, ground beef, homemade tomato sauce, finely chopped veggies, and a few drops of liquid smoke. Ah, comfort food.

    6. Maryn*

      I make a mean Butternut Squash Soup that everyone likes–including people who say they don’t like any kind of squash.

      Butternut Squash Soup
      4 servings
      Takes about an hour, most of it inactive

      2 tablespoons butter or margarine
      1 small onion, chopped
      1 stalk celery, chopped
      1 medium carrot, chopped (or 2c. mire poix in place of onion, celery, and carrot)
      2 medium thin-skinned potatoes, cubed (or 1 potato, 1 apple)
      1 medium butternut squash – peeled, seeded, and cubed (about 16 oz. after prep)*
      1 (32 fluid ounce) container chicken stock
      salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste (close to 1T salt)

      Melt the butter in a large pot, and cook the onion, celery, carrot, potatoes, and squash 5 minutes, or until lightly browned. Pour in enough of the chicken stock to cover vegetables. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover pot, and simmer 40 minutes, or until all vegetables are tender.

      Transfer the soup to a blender, and blend until smooth, or use an immersion blender. Return to pot, and mix in any remaining stock to attain desired consistency. Season with salt and pepper.

      * If your grocery store doesn’t offer pre-cut squash pieces, so you need to buy a whole one, microwave it for 2-3 minutes. It becomes easier to peel, to cut, and to seed.

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        This is going to be the soup I give the first shot to. It sounds delicious. Thank you!
        Thanks, everyone, for all of the suggestions!

    7. Teapot Translator*

      I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite soup but last weekend I made a Sausage and White Bean Soup with Parmesan Croutons. The Parmesan croutons were the best part. Oh my.
      Also, why is it soups are usually better the following? Often times, I will try a soup recipe and think, “Eh”, and then the following day, it’s much better!

    8. WellRed*

      If anyone has a recipe or brand recommendation for roasted red pepper soup you’d make my day. Note: red pepper, NOT tomato and red pepper.

          1. Missb*

            Yay! The link I have store no longer works so I’ll type it here:

            1 onion, chopped
            6 carrots, thinly sliced
            2 cups water or vegetable stock
            2 red bell peppers
            2 cups soy milk (or milk of choice)
            2 tsp lemon juice
            2 tsp balsamic vinegar
            1/2 tsp salt
            1/4 tsp freshly ground pepper

            Simmer onion and carrots in water or stock in covered pot until carrots are easily pierced with a fork, about 20 minutes.

            Roast bell peppers under broiler until skin is black. Place in bowl, cover and let sit for 15 mins. Slip skins off, slice in half and pull the seeds out (or cut those peppers and take seeds out prior to roasting.

            Blend roasted peppers and carrot/onion mixture in blender (or use immersion blender), adding some milk along the way. You might not need all the milk.

            Add lemon juice, vinegar, salt and pepper and warm through. Heat until steamy.

      2. Emma2*

        There is a very nice chilled red pepper soup with sumac in the book Sunday Supper at Lucques. I am not pasting the recipe in to avoid violating copyright, but if you google red pepper and sumac soup and lucques, you will find it (some recipes refer to “with lemon yogurt” or reference chillies, that should be the same one).

      3. Moog-Moog, Space Barber*

        I’ve got a good one too! It tastes similar to the Zuppa Toscana you can get at Olive Garden.

        1 lb. ground Italian sausage (I use the hot variety)
        1 half white onion, peeled and chopped
        4 c. chicken stock
        2 large roasted red peppers, chopped
        1 bunch kale, chopped
        2-3 large potatoes, chopped (the original recipe used gnocchi, but I adapted it to be gluten-free)
        1 half c. heavy cream
        salt and pepper to taste
        Parmesan cheese for garnish

        Saute onion and sausage in a medium pot, drain fat afterward. Add chicken stock and peppers, simmer for a few minutes to combine. Reduce heat to medium-low and stir in kale and potatoes. Cook until potatoes are done. Remove from heat and stir in the cream. Add salt and pepper to taste. Top with Parmesan and enjoy.

    9. Random Bystander*

      As it happens, tonight we got McAlisters, and I am a huge fan of their potato soup. Well, I do like potato soup in general, but theirs is like a loaded potato soup with green onions, bacon, and cheese in it.

      I also adore tomato soup (though I think that by law, grilled cheese sandwiches are a required accompaniment).

      You know, answering this question makes me think I could live on soup (especially if you would let chili fall under that heading, too).

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Chicken and rice porridge, adapted from a recipe by Christine Ha. Hers uses leftover chicken and leftover rice, which I don’t tend to have. I found that all chicken broth was too much and nothing but water will work fine–I have become a fan of “just water” in a lot of cooking applications–but if I have stock on hand a little makes a pleasant boost.

      Chicken and Rice Porridge, Vietnamese Style

      1 small onion, diced
      1 3″ knob fresh ginger, peeled and minced
      2-3 skinless boneless chicken breasts
      water
      1 cup chicken broth (optional)
      2-3 T fish sauce
      3/4-1 cup jasmine rice

      Optional for serving: lime juice, cilantro, green onion

      Combine onion, ginger, and chicken in pot. Add broth and water to cover well by an inch or so. Add salt and pepper. Bring to boil, simmer until chicken is done.
      Turn off heat. Remove chicken to plate. When cool enough to handle, tear into pieces and return to pot. Add fish sauce. Sample broth and add salt if needed.
      Half an hour before you want it to be ready, return to boil and add rinsed rice.

      Depending on the proportions, this can be a hearty soup or a porridge; I prefer it toward the porridge end. This was my first soup that didn’t brown stuff in fat to start and I really liked the different flavor profile. It’s good in cool weather to people in perfect health, but also become a mainstay if someone might be feeling a bit off.

    11. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      This isn’t a real recipe but I like to make a classic chicken soup but use tortellini instead of noodles and add zucchini and tomatoes
      It’s also great using leftover turkey and turkey stock after Thanksgiving

  31. Grits McGee*

    Does anyone have recommendations for dressier shoes that you could walk 5-10 miles in a city environment in? When I’m walking around DC, I’ll usually wear my Teva sandals in the summer and Kodiak hiking boots when it’s cold, but I’d like something that I could wear with a skirt/dress and would be less obviously outdoorsy. I’m also not a fan of big, noticeable soles, which complicates things…

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      They’re not cheap, but I’ve done entire 13+ mile days at Disneyworld in Rothy’s flats several times. The only time I ever had trouble was when there was a rainstorm and the shoes got soaked – I ended up with a wee blister from the WET shoes rubbing on my pinky toe – but never had any trouble as long as the shoes didn’t get sodden. (A little damp was fine, I’m talking I walked through a four-inch-deep puddle because Epcot has absolutely terrible drainage :P )

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        Oh my, I cannot even last an hour in Rothys and still be comfortable. Unfortunately I also don’t have any other recommendations, except for perhaps a more subtle design of Allbirds?

    2. Nitpicker*

      New Yorker here and plenty of women are walking around wearing sneakers/running shoes with skirts/dresses. If you wear socks, just wear the low ones that don’t show.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yeah, this became a common thing in NY during the 1980 transit strike, when everyone would walk over the bridge to work and carry their heels to change at the office.

        Hence Cybill Shepherd’s power-suit-with-sneakers look in Moonlighting.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I also recall a designer–I think it was Donna Karan?–who walked a few miles home on 9/11 and concluded “Welp, it’s flats from now on.”

      2. londonedit*

        White trainers (sneakers – like Adidas Stan Smiths or Veja) with a midi/maxi dress has been an absolute staple of London women’s fashion for a good few years now too, and I can’t see the look going anywhere anytime soon! Mainly for women 30+ but it’s a look you see all over the place here.

    3. Lore*

      My Born ankle boots with a bit of a chunky heel were the best for this—saw me through multiple 10-mile-day trips in various countries for 6 or 7 years. I did add new insoles at one point (and got them reheeled regularly). I finally had to toss them last year when the soles cracked across in three places and it did not seem smart to pay 2x the original cost to refurbish boots that old. I’m not crazy about any of their current styles but as soon as they have another pair I like, I’m in.

    5. Bluebell*

      JBU/Jambu shoes have good arch support and are comfortable. I have a black pair I got online from Sierra —not super fashionable, but they are a step up from sneakers. I do have some Born ankle boots I like, but nowadays I’m avoiding heels.

    6. Academic Fibro Warrior*

      I don’t have a car so I walk around my city A Lot. I recently bought some Aerosoles since I’m in a new job where I’m standing and walking about 6 hrs every couple days. I got a pair of loafers and some ballet flats as part of a sale and am thrilled with the cushioning. My feet are kinda an odd size so sometimes other brands the arch support falls in a weird place, and I’m not having this trouble nor the blisters on my heel.

    7. Solidarity*

      Sketchers makes some sneaker-lite versions that would look okay with a skirt IMO – look for the ones that are all one color and a little dressier. I have done okay with perfectly fitted Tom’s style shoes too. And some similar knockoffs of each.

    8. Russian in Texas*

      You can were “dressier” sneakers with skirts and dresses, not the obviously athletic ones, and with the no-show socks.

    9. Sister George Michael*

      I have a lot of trouble finding shoes that don’t hurt my feet, but I can walk really far in Clark’s flats.

    10. the cat's ass*

      They may be too big/clunky for you, but I walked 70+ miles in Japan over a 2 week period wearing Danskos. My feet were the only body part that didn’t hurt!

      1. Wink the Book*

        + Danskos. Their heeled boots are the only darn heels I have ever walked 5-6 miles in and just been TIRED and not in severe pain. I’ve also easily done 10+ miles in their broken-in clogs.

      2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        I found I’m partial to Elten Officer safety shoes. They look like (sturdy) wingtips but are equipped with composite toe caps and a kevlar insole. I have to wear safety gear on some jobs and these are so comfortable I bought a second pair. I can even fly in
        them as they don’t trigger metal detectors. They make them in ladies’ and gent’s sizes. Not sure if they are available in the US though.

    11. Playswithbeads*

      I am a huge fan of Alegria shoes and clogs — I have at least 15 pairs (clogs, shoes and dressy sandals). They are super comfortable with great arch support in tons of colors and styles. Definitely made for people who walk all day! Sold in stores and online.
      Jambu used to make a nice ballet flat but I doubt they are good for city walking.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      SAS shoes are pretty easy on the feet, and they have some nice styles.

    13. Maryn*

      There are so many people with this issue that an entire industry tries to meet our needs: Comfort Shoes. Some still design like Eleanor Roosevelt was going to buy them (clunky and vaguely orthopedic), but there are lots of better, reasonably fashionable flats that go nicely with dresses, skirts, and dress pants.

      The most important feature for urban walking is that it buckles, laces, or has a strap so you can’t step out of it, and that the heel be so low your whole foot takes the weight, not the ball of your foot.

      Look at Clark’s (Ashland Spin is one I have), Dasko (Franny clog, a favorite!), Rockport Cobb Hill (Pearl maryjane), Naot (Matai), Trotters (Lizzie Herringbone basketweave oxford). If you opt for black and there’s a black rubber sole, your aversion to the big, obvious sole is greatly reduced because it’s not especially visible.

      Are they expensive? Uh-huh. But you will get literally years of wear out of any of them. I’m on my third year with Franny, my second with Pearl, and they’re both extremely comfortable and look like new.

      1. Observer*

        The most important feature for urban walking is that it buckles, laces, or has a strap so you can’t step out of it,

        Disagree on this. Slip ons can work well too.

        The key is that you have the right cut, which for walking usually means a fairly high cut. Ballet flats are rarely going to work well, but stuff that covers a good part of the top of your foot generally will, assuming good fit.

    14. Random Bystander*

      I like Hotter’s shoes. I mainly started getting shoes from there because my feet are so hard to fit (size 5.5 women’s but double-wide), and they have a better than average range of sizes.

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Cowboy-style boots! I got a pair of Ariats 6+ years ago and I wear them everywhere. They were expensive but after 6 years of nearly daily use, I haven’t even needed a repair! One note: definitely go somewhere you can try them on. The sizes were weird, and heavily dependent on the style of boot, I would not have been able to pick it out of a catalogue or website. Some people need a boot jack to get them off, but I don’t.

      Also, sneakers are always an option. Saucony is my go-to brand, but anything that’s not designed as a running shoe will be comfortable. White, gray, brown, or dark blue sneakers work fine with a dress!

  32. NervousGmailPatient*

    My medical lab recently emailed me that test results were available in my online account. I logged in but no results were listed. I informed the lab via an online form. A day later, they emailed me the test results in a non-encrypted file, plus the email text contained my birth date. I was horrified.

    What’s the best way to handle this? I’ll instruct them to never share confidential information via email but are there additional steps I should take?

    BTW their email contains this warning:
    “This e-mail and any attachments may contain CONFIDENTIAL information, including PROTECTED HEALTH INFORMATION, and is meant to be viewed solely by the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient, any use or disclosure of this information is STRICTLY PROHIBITED; you are requested to delete this e-mail and any attachments and notify the sender immediately.” Like that’s going to stop potential identity thieves.

    1. Morning reader*

      I’m not sure I understand the problem. Is your email not secure enough for your own birthdate?
      I recall my health care provides have a form at checkin, perhaps I see it annually, indicating your preferences for communications. Whether they can leave a message on your voicemail or email you, if there is someone else authorized to have your info or take a message for you. Is it possible you consented to email?
      The verbiage at the end sounds like a legal CYA disclaimer, probably composed by a lawyer. Sure, clarify how you want to get your info. If they didn’t ask permission to do it this way, they probably shouldn’t.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        Unencrypted email is pretty easy to get into, so yes, it IS a problem that they emailed both her birth date AND private health information. It’s likely a HIPAA violation to send that PHI through unencrypted email. That’s why most health care facilities will put the information into a most secure app or web site and just let you know to log in and look at it.

      2. NervousGmailPatient*

        I’ll check my account settings but email communications from other providers consist of “check your account for a new message”, or words to that effect. They’ve never included my birth date and certainly not my test results.
        Thank you for your reply.

        1. NervousGmailPatient*

          @Ginger Pet Lady,
          Sorry the response above was meant for Morning Reader.
          Anyway, thank you too for your reply.

      3. Observer*

        Is your email not secure enough for your own birthdate?

        Nope. The problem is that email (especially in transmission) can be quite easily hacked.

        What the practice did is almost certainly a legal breach.

        Consent to email does not necessarily mean consent to UNENCRYPTED email. And that’s the key problem here.

    2. time for cocoa*

      I’m an early Gmail adopter with a common name. I get other people’s medical charts, mortgage documents, hotel and car rental reservations, children’s school psychologist forms, it’s endless. My favorite was the orientation info for a gov clearance job; I was convinced I was going to end up at a black site.

      My point is, this is an unpleasant surprise because it’s new to you. The reality is that sloppy PII maintenance has been a constant for decades. You can try to request new procedures if it makes you feel better, but nothing will change. Fines for breaches are a slap on the wrist.

      1. Observer*

        Sloppy PHI is definitely not a new thing. That’s not a good reason to be so blase about it.

        Fines are NOT necessarily a slap on the wrist any more. Also pushing back and making your concerns known – and not only to the lab but the practice that ordered the work can absolutely make a difference.

    3. Observer*

      “This e-mail and any attachments may contain CONFIDENTIAL information, including PROTECTED HEALTH INFORMATION, and is meant to be viewed solely by the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient, any use or disclosure of this information is STRICTLY PROHIBITED; you are requested to delete this e-mail and any attachments and notify the sender immediately.”

      We handle some fairly sensitive information (not HIPPA or or FERPA, but still) and we had a major discussion about adding a rider like this. We wound up not doing it because it’s just useless.

      We use encryption…

      Please let the practice who ordered the tests know about this.

  33. ThatGirl*

    Have any of you bought a car and used outside financing eg your bank or credit union? I put a deposit down for a factory order and it will be about 3-6 months so I have some time to investigate. But I don’t know how it works if I don’t use the dealer financing – do they just send you the funds so you can pay “in cash” and then pay the bank back?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      We bought our car through our credit union. They arranged the car purchased and the car delivery. They also financed the loan.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Usually they send the funds directly to the dealer — the bank/CU should be pretty familiar with the process!

      1. ThatGirl*

        Ah, good to know, thanks :) I have no idea if the bank will be a better option but I figure it’s worth checking out since interest rates are higher.

    3. mreasy*

      I bought with Carvana but didn’t use my bank or their financing – I used BofA as it had the lowest rate. It was really easy, just an application and some phone calls confirming the fund availability with the bank.

      1. Solidarity*

        Wow, I really learned something today, I thought “car loans” always came from the dealer, and I bet there’s so many better options out there. I haven’t bought a car in ten years so I don’t know. This is the same process for used cars right?

        1. ThatGirl*

          I’ve only ever used the dealer, but interest rates are back up, so I thought it would be worth seeing if I could save a bit elsewhere. And yes, process is the same for used cars from a dealer.

    4. Russian in Texas*

      I bought a car in January via the dealership financing but refinanced with my credit union immediately. Not quite the same, but it was super easy. Saved me good $60/month.

    5. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Usually I’ve gone to my bank or credit union to get pre-approved for x amount before car shopping. The money isn’t given to me…the credit line is just waiting for me to purchase a car (sort of like a credit card) so if I’m approved for $30,000 but the car/tax/registration etc. all total $28,000 (for example) then I only use that amount of the loan. The lender will be added as a lien holder on the title at the time of purchase and that will be recorded by the DMV when the title transfers from the dealer to me.

    6. M*

      I have bought in the past using my bank and once using capital one’s auto finance program. In both of those cases, they gave me a “check” to take to the dealer that said something along the lines of ‘valid up to $45,000” and a phone number for the dealer to call- the dealer did all of the work once I picked the car. Otherwise the process was the same as when I’ve used dealer financing. Also last year bought a car using carvana and their financing. Not sitting at the dealer for hours on end was a nice change.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      We’ve done it with a certified check from the bank, made out to the dealer. I imagine there are ways to do it by EBT today.

    8. Hatchet*

      You’ve already received great advice above, but I’ll add my two cents – if you have accounts/membership to more than one bank or credit union, shop among them. (It’s worth the call to see what each can do.) My credit union will also lower the interest rate on the loan (usually 1/4 of a percent) if I set up auto-pay on the loan payments with them, so that’s worth asking about.
      Be prepared that the dealership will try to get you to finance through them – that’s cool, it’s part of their business. The last time we engaged in that polite discussion and asked about the interest rate we would qualify for, the dealer told us point blank that he wouldn’t be able to beat the deal that the credit union gave us. (We had the pre-approval that Pay No Attention… referred to.)
      Good luck!

    9. Alyn*

      It depends. Lightstream, for example, will send the funds to your account, and you then buy the car with those funds. I like using Lightstream because in addition to having decent rates, they don’t require you to put them on the title of the car as the financier the way a lender arranged through the dealership would.

  34. Bibliovore*

    I have hit a wall on feeding myself.
    I have been pretty much living on eggs, kimchi, and rice for breakfast. Apples and cheese for lunch. Cheerios for dinner. The occasional takeout from the Chinese restaurant, sushi from the grocery store, chicken wings from the Korean takeout.
    Content warning: My husband died a year and half ago and I find I just cannot cook. I buy stuff at the farmers market and I either give it away or it rots in the fridge.

    Winter is coming and it’s getting cold. I am thinking maybe soup or stew in the instant pot but I can’t face making any of our old favorites.

    Any suggestions for pantry or frozen items for tossing together a meal?
    I eat anything except for beets and goat cheese.
    An instant pot recipe that is your go-to?

    1. CharlieBrown*

      There’s an Instant Pot “lasagna” that I love and is so much easier than putting it together and cooking it in the oven. I’ll see if I can find the link and then post it in another comment.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Hi Bibliovore, I think of you often.

      It sounds like the biggest barrier here isn’t a lack of recipes, it’s that you “just cannot cook.” I’ve had times in my life when this was the case. My advice is to think about two things – first, is there a time or circumstance when you *can* cook? I’m better in the morning than late afternoon, and I’m better with company. So for me, when I’m in a “cannot cook” situation, I’m much better doing meal prep as a chore that’s not related to actually being hungry and needing to eat the meal. It’s just another household chore. I also tend to break up the steps of cooking into small bits, so I don’t “make soup,” I “prep the ingredients,” take a break, “saute the veggies,” take a break, and then come back to add the other items. Can you think about when and how cooking is more possible for you, and plan your meals around that?

      Second, if all of that is a non-starter, what about looking at the kinds of meals you’re having now and just expanding that type of thing? An expanded breakfast repertoire might include different egg preparations, cereal for breakfast instead of dinner, cheese and toast, subbing convenience breakfast meats (microwavable) for the side of rice, grits as a side, etc. An expanded lunch might include different fruits with your cheese, canned soup and a sandwich, salad greens with protein on them. (I’ve discovered that if you buy tuna packed in oil instead of water, you don’t really need to do much with it besides drain it and squeeze some lemon on it.) Dinner options could be additional cold cereals, quick cooking hot cereals, preparations based on canned beans (drained chickpeas sautéed in a little olive oil and salt is quick and delicious). The idea isn’t to “do more cooking,” the idea is to do the same amount of cooking that you are doing now, just with some additional items.

      I know other people will post recipes for you, but I’ll also think about my easy one-person go-to recipes and post those if they haven’t been covered. Thanks for popping in here sometimes, I’m always glad to see your posts.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Here are two things I find easy to make for myself.

        Broiled salmon: Marinate a skin-on salmon fillet in soy sauce for about 30 minutes. If you put the fish in a zip loc bag, you can use a smaller amount of soy and squeeze the air out of the bag to cover the fish. Turn the fish once as it marinates if you remember to. Spray a broiler pan with non-stick spray. (I use a quarter-sheet pan with a quarter-sheet cooling rack inside it.) Broil the fish skin-side up until the skin turns brown, about 4 minutes. Flip the fish over and spread a thin layer of smooth dijon mustard over the top. Continue broiling until the mustard just starts to brown at the edges and the fish is cooked to medium-well inside. This is good hot, warm, or cold. If you have it cold or room temperature, it’s quite good with a little sauce made from mayo, smooth dijon, and some lemon juice. Add some whole-grain mustard for texture if you have any.

        Flexible chicken-broth based soup with vegetables, mostly sourceable from Trader Joe’s or your grocery store:

        1 medium container (I think it’s a pint) of mixed chopped onion, celery and carrot
        1 small bundle of parsley (I prefer Italian parsley, but TJ’s only has curly parsley which is also fine) – wash and chop this, you want about 1/2 cup

        Saute the above in olive oil or whatever oil you like until it starts to soften. Season with salt and pepper, about 1-2 tsp. of any dried herb you like (Italian herbs, herbs de Provence, thyme, oregano, tarragon. If you use tarragon or oregano, use the smaller amount). Add a bay leaf if you have one, and some crushed red pepper if you like a little heat.

        This and some low-sodium boxed chicken broth is the base of the soup. I generally like to add a small can of diced tomatoes, but you can use a spoonful of tomato paste instead or just omit the tomatoes.

        I usually take this in one of two directions, bean-heavy soup or chicken vegetable soup. For bean-heavy soup, once you’ve sautéed and seasoned the veggies and added your tomatoes, rinse a couple of cans of beans, add a turkey or pork kielbasa, and cover with a box of chicken broth. If you have a parmesan rind, add that as well. Simmer until the veggies are tender. If you like a beans-n-greens soup, add some chopped kale, escarole, chard, spinach or arugula near the end of the cook time. This soup freezes well. Omit the greens until you have thawed the soup and you’re reheating it.

        For a chicken and veggie soup, once you’ve sautéed and seasoned the veggies and added your tomatoes (if any), pop in whatever kind of chicken you like. I prefer bone-in, skin-on thighs for flavor, but you can use boneless breasts if you like. Adjust the cooking time accordingly. Cover with a box of chicken broth and simmer until the chicken is cooked through. If you’re using thighs, you can leave them in the pot when you add the veggies. If you’re using white meat, remove it once it’s cooked so it doesn’t get tough. Add veggies such as trimmed green beans, diced zucchini, mushrooms (I like shiitake), etc. I really like this soup with frozen chopped okra and frozen baby lima beans, but your mileage may vary. I also like to add canned or frozen corn and some kind of green as in the variation above. This is good served with noodles or rice, or crusty bread. I also like picking out the cooked chicken thighs and using them in a different meal. If you have a brand of prepared meatball that you like, you can use that along with or instead of the chicken.

        1. Bibliovore*

          Thank you so much. I have actually been craving ‘bean heavy soup’ and I think this is possible. The dog has been sick and I made chicken broth in the instant pot and realized that I CAN do this for myself.
          Strangely, I can cook anything my husband hated hence the kimchi overload and Japanese foods.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I like eggs for breakfast a lot. One thing I do is pop some poached eggs on top of something else. One favorite is to chop up a few Brussels sprouts and steam them, covered, in the microwave with a very small amount of water and a big sprinkle of salt. It takes about 2 minutes in my microwave to get them al dente, so they can cook while you poach the eggs and make your toast. My other favorite is smoked salmon. I pull it out of the fridge and warm up a small portion in the oven while my eggs poach, so that it doesn’t cool down my eggs too much. But if you have any leftovers from dinner, ask yourself if they would be good with an egg on top. Most simple meat preparations are great with eggs.

        Also in my suggestions above I forgot to mention avocado. You can add that to almost anything, including chicken vegetable soup, for some added nutrients and good fats. I like to buy the smaller ones because I can never finish a big one before it spoils.

        1. My dog owns me!*

          I second the ‘steam it in the microwave’ thought! If I don’t want to cook I grab a frozen fish fillet and some frozen peas, season with olive oil, salt and pepper, and steam at medium heat for about 10 -15 minutes. The time surely depends on the microwave. Then I prepare some mashed potatoes from the box in a small bowl. It’s so tasty.

          1. My dog owns me!*

            For breakfast, it’s nice to have some overnight porridge: put milk, oats and sugar in a glass, mix it and leave it in the fridge overnight. Add frozen berries if you want to treat yourself! And nuts!

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Suggestions, in the tossing things out vein:

        Would a new cooking for one cookbook offer up some inspiration, since it wouldn’t be reminding you of things you made in the past?

        Hello Fresh type service–daughter used this whenever quarantining, and it helps to get stuff scaled to 1 person rather than try to use up a whole bunch of cilantro or dill.

        When my husband is gone for a while I often find planning and cooking more effort than I want to take on, and will do takeout with the plan to spread it out over several days. Night 1: Appetizer. Night 2: Soup. Night 3: Half of entree. Night 4: Second half of entree. Broken up like that, I’m only getting takeout a couple of nights a week, so it’s less expensive and less effort than ordering every night.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Honestly, it took me about three years to start cooking again after my husband died. I have a friend whose husband died about a decade ago and she’s never really rebounded cooking wise. No advice except to throw money at it if it’s reasonable to continue doing so. My friend shops out of the deli section of her store, makes omelettes and a few things like that, and has carved out a path that works for her.

      1. Solidarity*

        I notice that when my dad is out of town, my mother also never cooks. She eats popcorn and orders a veggie pizza. This makes me feel better about not really cooking as someone who lives alone. Some people love to cook and they love to eat delicious fancy foods! I do not. I have an air popper.

      2. Bibliovore*

        Thank you for sharing. I can throw money at the problem. My lack of drive is more of the issue. I used to get pissed because my husband never thought about dinner until 5:00. It didn’t take long for me to understand if there was going to be dinner, I’m the one who better plan it, shop for it, cook it and serve it or dinner would be Dominoes pizza at 7:00.

    4. fposte*

      Are you game to heat? Delis, including supermarket delis, often have very nice soups, quiche, lasagna, etc. that you can just microwave to your desired temperature.

      For tossing together, any pasta with any veg (and frozen is fine), drizzle olive oil and shave nice Parmesan (I really like the taste and price point of Sarvecchio Parmesan from Wisconsin) on it and go to town. Rigatoni and peas, asparagus spears and linguini–all fine.

      I’m also a huge fan of cooking soup in advance and freezing it in serving sizes, so I would agree with your instant pot instincts. Not sure which shared favorites need to be avoided, but I love just about anything you can do with cannellini beans and some form of pork and greens. I’ve used pancetta, prosciutto, and bacon for the pork; I’ve used anything from kale to baby spinach, obviously with less cooking time for the spinach, for the greens. I also love a lightly curried coconut milk chicken soup; I’ve lost track of where I found it so have no idea what’s a deviation or not, but I usually get a meal off of a rotisserie chicken and then use the rest of it for the soup, split the liquid between chicken broth and coconut milk, and throw in baby spinach and rice noodles.

      1. Solidarity*

        Good point on the deli soups! When I really couldn’t cook make myself cook soup for myself (formerly a go-to, but at some point I lost enthusiasm) I just spent more buying organic healthy soups pre-prepared, with an eye towards the sodium content, and you know what? It was still a good way to get vegetables and a quick, tasty, satisfying meal even though I hadn’t done all the shopping and prep myself. Most regular canned soups from the store are probably not the healthiest option but there are good choices out there! I felt bad not making it myself but, Don’t “should” all over yourself, OP (my therapist says that to me).

    6. Solidarity*

      To be fair, I live alone and I don’t actually prepare full meals for myself. I blame it maybe on low-lying, lingering depression and also a general lack of appetite. It feels like too much to make a whole mess that I’ll have to deal with (dirty pots etc) and I often don’t end up eating much of the food I do manage to cook – what am I, sitting down at a big table full of food by myself? But you know what, snacking is fine. Give yourself a break. My focus is on *healthy* snacks that I will eat willingly, not on what I *should* be doing. A hard boiled egg for breakfast, fruit and crackers and cheese for lunch, maybe a yogurt for dinner with a side of something vegetable. I wasn’t raised in the US and I’ve always wondered if three full meals every day is really necessary for me, a small woman in a sedentary job. I feel like maybe that was more the standard when we were working hard in the fields all day.

      1. Solidarity*

        I just reread this comment and realize I should have said, supplement this with takeout foods that you are happy to eat; it wouldn’t be at all good to eat like this only, all day every day. You don’t have to cook but you should make sure to eat sufficient calories.

    7. North Wind*

      I do a lot of low-maintenance semi-cooking.

      Once every week or two I buy a whole rotisserie-cooked chicken. As soon as I get it, I pull off all the meat into bite-sized chunks and put it in a container in the fridge. You can then use this in lots of ways. Snack on a few pieces for a quick bit of protein, have a bit on crackers with cheese, make instant mac-and-cheese and throw some in to make it more of a meal, put some over tortilla chips with any other dressings (I only did this once, didn’t like it that much).

      Recently, I’ve been buying a container or two of Whole Foods “Homemade” chicken and rice soup. I don’t enjoy drinking a lot of broth with a meal, so I drain all the excess broth from the container and put it in the refrigerator, heat the food portion of the soup and maybe add a bit more chicken to it. Then another day, I’ll boil some brown rice in the broth I’ve saved, then maybe heat some chicken in a skillet with ginger and a bit of lemon juice, and have a different version of chicken and rice.

      So a bit of cooking, but more along the lines of just boiling pasta or rice and heating things up.

    8. Pocket Mouse*

      Trader Joe’s has a fair number and variety of single-serving frozen meals. They—and increasingly other stores—also have shelf-stable packets of prepped foods (such as Indian curries) that you can just heat and plop over rice.

      It seems like you may not have a lot of produce in your diet at the moment, so maybe adding simple things to simple dishes, like adding dried mushrooms to a pot of pasta (bonus for adding zucchini and a sauce). Or simple roasts, like a butternut or acorn squash, which can take but really don’t need much flavoring added. Also, don’t underestimate home tapas! Try to think of ways to work more fresh items in at the same level of your go-to apples and cheese. Maybe carrot sticks and hummus? Add berries to the Cheerios? Just a bucket of cherry tomatoes where you grab a couple as you pass by? I’ve had many a meal composed of multiple mostly healthy snack-type items. It doesn’t have to look cohesive to deliver nutrients.

      Wishing you the best in all this.

      1. Solidarity*

        Yes! Trader Joes is good for this, I think Whole Foods as well! If OP is experiencing what might be considered Disordered Eating, one thing I remind myself of a LOT is that it’s okay to eat some ‘unhealthy’ options if it means you’re getting enough calories. I used to try not to order pizza or get takeout or fast food – too processed, so unhealthy! – but I wasn’t cooking and honestly not getting enough protein or sheer calories in a day is ALSO UNHEALTHY. So get that pizza just to backstop your eating, and then you can try to do your other healthy habits on top of, ya know, actually getting enough food in a day.

    9. WellRed*

      I’m a fan of bags of frozen stir fry or fajita veggies. Add sauce and protein of your choice. 10 minutes, tops. Done! Hope you are doing ok.

      1. WellRed*

        Oh and like North Wind above, totally buy precooked meat (I love shredded rotisserie chicken from the grocery store. Target also has some good ones from their good & gather brand).

    10. WellRed*

      I want to add: if you were my friend, I’d want to know so I could make something for you, or with you. Is that a possibility?

      1. Ann Ominous*

        I was thinking this exact thing. Would it feel more accessible to cook with a friend (meal prep together) or for a friend (alternate weeks of meal prep for both of you and you drop their soup/whatever off for them)? That reframing sometimes helps me (and sometimes not).

        My husband was deployed twice, for 2.5 out of the last 4 years, and I couldn’t do all the things he did for us – he is the cook in our house. Not that our situations are the same, I knew he was more than likely coming back, so I cannot even imagine how terrible this feels for you. I had to sign up for meal delivery (yay all the extra pay from combat zone tax exemption) and trade meals with neighbors.

        Once a friend drove over from 10 mins away to take my trash cans to the curb and then left, she texted me that she understood it’s sometimes easier to drive 20 mins than to walk downstairs. So if you have people in your life who get it – grief isn’t just over just because others move on, this is the person you were going to spend your entire life with – I would encourage you to reach out to them and ask for support.

    11. Cacofonix*

      No recipes. I’m sorry for your enduring loss. My husband is the cook for us, and I can’t imagine being any different in your shoes. I would consider a meal prep service at least once or twice a week. Not affordable for everyone. I’d pick no cook varieties like salads or things I’d just need to heat up.

    12. Trixie B*

      I am in the season of not cooking. My friend suggested Freshly. It is a delivery meal service that you heat and eat. The food is homemade and not overly salted. You may want to try it.

      1. MenolyYoga*

        Living alone, I tried Nutrisystem during Covid, not to lose weight but to have plenty meal choices available. I always added frozen vegetables (corn, peas, green beans, cauliflower) to the frozen meals for added nutrition.

    14. Piano Girl*

      My mom (89, widowed, lives alone with family nearby) has a set couple of meals. She rotates frozen fish filets, shrimp, and chicken patties. She supplements these with salad and in-season vegetables. While I was visiting her, we cookies up some frozen fried rice, added a chopped zucchini, and some chicken pieces. Very tasty.

    15. Bibliovore*

      Thank you everyone. These are great suggestions . I like the idea of divorcing prep from meal times. I will give that a try. Also having some protein that is ready made. The local bodega just started having soup that looks tasty- a vegetable barley so I got that today . I wouldn’t even have looked into that case if it wasn’t for these suggestions.

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It is completely understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed.

      Some carb ideas:

      Pop a potato or sweet potato on a tray in the toaster oven and heat at 350 for an hour. Top with sour cream or anything else that appeals.

      For an easy comforting side dish that is flexible, maybe get Jiffy corn muffin mix? You can just dump the batter in a 9×9 pan or a loaf pan — you don’t really need a muffin tin. You can also ignore the advice about greasing the pan if that feels like too much — you’ll still be able to get some corn bread out whether you grease it or not. You can use water instead of milk if you’re out of milk, and you can use one of those little individual applesauces instead of an egg if you’re out of eggs. If you feel fancy and you have some frozen berries, you could dump those in the batter.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also, for more veggies, maybe bagged pre-rinsed salads and (as was suggested above) some cherry tomatoes along with your favorite dressing? When I’m feeling low, I can’t face a lot of veggie prep, but I can usually manage to run a handful of cherry tomatoes under some water to rinse them and dump out half a bag of salad into a big bowl or onto a plate.

      2. Single Noun*

        I was just about to suggest baked potato/sweet potato, although I do them in the microwave so it only takes 6-10 minutes instead of an hour. If you keep shredded cheese in the fridge, maybe bacon bits, and frozen broccoli if you’re feeling ambitious, that’s 3 food groups and it still feels more like ‘assembling’ than ‘cooking’. (And as an aside, I have just discovered steam-in-bag veggies and I adore them- no dishes!)

    17. Jackalope*

      A few ideas that might help:

      We have a breakfast sandwich that we often eat for dinner. Toast an English muffin with a slice of cheese (I do this in the toaster oven but a regular oven could work in a pinch). Meanwhile fry an egg and slice up an avocado. Make the sandwich with the cheesy muffin, egg, avocado, and some salsa or pico de gallo. The whole process takes less than 10 min to make and sounds like it wouldn’t be too far off from your usual cooking habits.

      I like crock pot “refried” beans. Take a pound of pinto beans, 4 cups of chicken or turkey broth, 2 cups of water, a diced onion or two (depending on how much you like onions), and a spoonful or two of minced garlic. Add a bit of cumin and whatever other spices you might like (cayenne pepper, chili powder, etc.). Cook them for a few hours until the beans are soft. Add some salt (only at the end or the beans will get tough) and blend with an immersion blender. Then you can use them to make bean burritos, bean and cheese quesadillas, etc., etc. It takes very little actual work. And obviously you can reduce the recipe as needed.

      Others have mentioned this, but the bagged salads can be great. Get the ones with multiple ingredients and stir them all together, add a handful of rotisserie chicken or whatever if you want, and you’re good to go!

    19. slowingaging*

      I only cook every few days. I do a sheet pan of veg and chicken and sausage. I am sorry this is so hard. To make it different try different spices. Or buy a bottle of marinade. Can you make it different from the food you ate with your husband?

    20. MJ*

      At one point I got Hello Fresh deliveries. The meals “for 2” gave me enough for 3 servings. So a box of 3 recipes provided me with 9 meals. I didn’t get a box every week, but once or twice a month.

      I had the delivery on Saturday then spent several hours on Sunday cooking all the meals. They then went into single serving containers in the fridge / freezer to heat up during the week.

      What I loved was they were all pretty quick (usually 30-50 min) and I could try new flavours without having to buy lots of spices I might never use again.

      What really helped me was the reduction in decision making! I could look at a couple months’ options online in advance and select the recipes that sounded tasty, or skip the week if nothing appealed. (Or just let them deliver the 3 default options if I didn’t have the energy to choose.) I then didn’t have to think about it again until the box showed up. And the box contained all the ingredients needed to make the dish. I didn’t have to think about what to make with the stuff in my fridge, or decide if I had the energy to run to the store if I was out of an ingredient, I just unpacked the “grocery bag” and follow the recipe card. Bliss.

    21. Alex*

      I’ve recently been really stretched thin and even though in the past was a competent meal planner and cooker, I found I just couldn’t. I decided to throw money at the problem and order some of those heat-and-eat meal subscriptions. I find they are much more satisfying/healthful feeling than frozen meals, and they are super easy and tasty. I get 8 meals delivered each week that take less than three minutes to heat and eat. It’s really taken a load off and stopped me from eating less healthy stuff.

    22. Mary S*

      My go to “I can’t cook today” meal is a bagel + a serving of Greek yogurt. I switch it up with lots of flavors. For example, the other day I had an everything bagel + veggie cream cheese and a small bowl of Greek yogurt with honey, almond slices, and a sliced banana.

      Otherwise I’ll have a continental breakfast with a bakery item + deli turkey/ham rolls + fruit.

      For pantry and frozen items I keep on hand, that’s pasta and beans mainly. Canned baked beans or frozen lima beans and corn to make succotash. Pasta + canned white beans + frozen spinach.

      Wishing you the best.

    23. VegetarianRaccoon*

      I’m pretty bad about cooking for a variety of reasons, and I live alone. A lot of people have already made good suggestions but I’ll throw in mine:

      When I don’t know what else to do, I’ll microwave steam-in-bag peas. Then immediately stir in either spaghetti sauce or plain nonfat greek yogurt depending on my mood. The ‘sauce’ gets heated by the peas and the peas cool down enough to eat. Stir in parmesan to taste. I add garlic powder and black pepper to the creamy version. Done, and to me it tastes like a real meal and is pretty nutritious.

      If I’m peckish but don’t need a meal, it’s about 5 pitted dates with a little natural nut butter stuffed inside. Fun and easy to eat, tastes like an elevated PB & J, also nutritious. I can choose between peanut and almond butter depending on my mood :)

      Of course both of these are nice for not making a lot of dirty dishes, either.

    24. Wink the Book*

      My go tos for times when I just CANNOT are packets of instant miso soup, Persian cucumbers and hummus, veggie nuggets in the freezer section, and coleslaw mix with sesame ginger dressing instead of mayo-based dressing.

    25. Esmeralda*

      Frozen tortellini or ravioli. Buitoni is a good brand. Takes 8 minutes to cook (no need to thaw). Toss w purchased pesto, jarred sauce, jarred tapenade, etc.

    26. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have never enjoyed cooking, so I do the bare minimum. Others have suggested some of what I do, with prepared foods from the deli, frozen meals, etc. My regular breakfast is soft-boiled eggs followed by quick oats with a banana and sweetener (stevia or sugar). I have a ceramic bowl that keeps food hot. I put in five handfuls of oats, slice the banana into it, toss in the stevia, then pour boiling water over it and put a lid over the bowl. After 10 minutes on the counter, it’s ready.

      I recently got a Costco membership. I didn’t think it would pay off for just me alone since most of their quantities are huge, but it’s actually been great. If you have one in your area, you can buy large quantities of items for the freezer. I’ve bought bags of individually wrapped filets of salmon. I add a little butter and water to a frying pan, steam each side for about three minutes, and it’s done with tossing a little salt on it.

      It’s always good to hear from you, and I wish you well.

    27. Gnome*

      I just don’t enjoy cooking. I’ve been known to caramelize onions in a crock pot (adds flavor to anything. Also, my favorite not-cooking recipe is:
      slice one onion (optional), in a disposable aluminum tray, add white rice, chicken tenders, and baby carrots(optional). Add seasoning to taste (I add minced garlic, onion powder, turmeric, salt pepper, and oregano). Add water appropriate to the quantity of rice. Cover tightly in aluminum foil and bake at 400-425 for a while. Usually an hour? I dunno, it extremely forgiving. I don’t measure anything. I usually make about 3-5 servings, but it’s pretty adaptable.

    28. Cyanotype*

      You might not be up for this yet, but I wonder whether trying out a new cookbook with recipes that don’t have your own personal memories attached would be helpful. Something like Korean American by Eric Kim might build on the flavours that you’re having less trouble with right now.

      1. Cyanotype*

        Also, if you’re still looking for drama-free television, I would recommend Victorian Farm and Escape to the Country (equally about charming UK country real estate and local crafts/cookery traditions. Unlike American real estate shows, there’s no drama and no destruction. Usually features couples looking for a house, if that’s a problem. There are many, many seasons).

    29. Emma*

      What about a catering service? We researched this for a sick family member. Some caterers will prepare heat and eat meals that you can pick up weekly. They often have a rotating menu, and you select the ones that appeal that week. May be nice, for filling in the holes. We found multiple who offered single serving meals. May be worth a google. Hugs.

    30. No Longer Looking*

      This stuffed-pepper soup fills the six-qt instant pot. Also I have had more luck browning the meat in a separate skillet instead of in the IP, as if you brown in the post you have to be VERY sure to thoroughly deglaze or this recipe will trigger the burn warning. It makes a lot and you can easily store and freeze leftovers.
      https://www.aforkstale.com/instant-pot-stuffed-pepper-soup-recipe/

      This is basically Chicken Tortilla Soup, I double the batch and add tostitos tortilla strips when serving. It is a favorite at our house, but note that you do tend to be playing Jalepeno Roulette with the spice level.
      https://mealplanaddict.com/easy-instant-pot-creamy-chicken-jalapeno-soup-stove-top-directions/

  35. CharlieBrown*

    Where do you all get your art supplies from?

    We used to have a good drafting/art supply store locally, but they closed down a few years ago. The only place I can get them locally now is either Michael’s (whose range is very limited) or Hobby Lobby (I refuse to shop there) or the local university book store (which again, limited range and high prices).

    I know I could get them from Amazon (yay, “free” shipping with prime) but I have no idea about the source/quality, and I’m giving Even Eviller Lex Luthor even more money.

    Are there any online companies that are reliable, don’t have huge minimums for free shipping, and carry good products that you rely on?

    1. Ranon*

      If you change your thinking around “free” shipping Blick is a reliable source- I’ve found in getting away from Amazon it’s simpler to decide that paying shipping is just part of the cost, so I hit the customer service page to figure out what I’m looking at for shipping costs and then just mentally factor it into my price.

      If you’re in a larger city and don’t need things in new condition you might also look look around for a creative reuse store- there are some incredible deals in the stores I’ve been to.

    2. Oysters and gender freedom*

      My go tos are Jerry’s Artarama or Dick Blick. Free shipping sometimes comes on special, with a lower amount than usual.

      1. Blomma*

        I also recommend these two companies.

        Amazon delivered the wrong color paint to me twice because they messed up and put the wrong sticker on the box. I try to avoid them for art supplies now.

      2. Stinky kitty*

        I didnt know Jerry’s had more than one store. We have one locally and I always though it was just someone named Jerry that had a store. They have the largest selection of painty stuff my wife goes for and I was surprised they had drafting supplies.

        1. Ampersand*

          Ha! I thought the same, and assumed the Jerry’s in my city was just some dude named Jerry who sold art supplies. Locally. :)

          Apparently they were founded in Long Island (by Jerry) and are headquartered in NC. I learned something today!

          They’re reasonably priced with a good selection from what I recall, so I would recommend them.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Block, Cheap Joe’s (despite name, excellent quality and I can get stuff there that’s hard to find elsewhere), Artopia.

      Of those, Cheap Joe’s is my favorite.

      I’m also fortunate to have access to a really good local art supply store but again, they don’t carry everything. They do have a lovely selection of children’s/beginner supplies so my kids get the good stuff for very reasonable prices

    4. osmoglossum*

      Utrecht Art supplies is a good source, they have a $69 minimum for free shipping — I used to shop at their store in NYC. You can also check Blick Art Supplies.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      University book store when I can, because I get the student discount and they’re desperate for us to buy from them instead of Amazon.

    7. Healthcare Worker*

      Try Dick Blick online. We get all of our supplies there. Very helpful staff if you call, too.

    8. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I usually know what manufacturer that I’m interested in…daniel smith watercolors for example…and look up the manufacturer’s website; sometimes I can buy directly from the source and sometimes they have a list of stores that sell their products so you might be able to buy local.

      If you really don’t have a preference on manufacturer, or just want general art/craft supplies, you might try outside the “art store” box for less expensive stuff…the hardware store, or a store for teachers, like CM School Supply.

  36. PhyllisB*

    Well, I survived my hip replacement!! I was going to check in last week but didn’t really feel up to writing a lengthy post. I’ve done amazingly well, very little pain. I only had to take my pain meds the first two days. Well, I took a half dose at night for two more days but probably didn’t really need to do that. Now I just use Tylenol. Didn’t even have to touch the super duper pain killer.
    Finished up my home therapy yesterday and go back to doctor Monday so I guess I’ll start some outpatient therapy then. Appreciate all the good thoughts and well wishes.
    To Edgar, I hope your recovery goes as smoothly as mine has. I will tell you, if you live alone you really need someone with you for the first few days because you will have a bit of trouble getting up and down and will need assistance with that and putting your leg up on the bed.
    Other than that, I will say listen to your therapist and do your exercises. My doctor told me to download the My Mobility app. It gives you reminders three times a day to do a set of exercises. None of them are very difficult (except the leg lift. I just got to where I could do it on my own the last couple of days.) The whole set takes maybe 15 minutes to do, but take some pain medication or Tylenol so you don’t get too sore. You will get a bit sore, especially late in the day when you’re doing that third set but as the saying goes YMMV. Everyone told me I would be so glad I had done it, and I agree. Even though I have some pain, it’s not near like what it was, and I don’t limp anymore!! Hope your recovery goes as well as mine has, and if you have questions, I will be glad to answer

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      That’s wonderful to hear! And good for you for doing your physical therapy regularly, which is the key to full recovery.

  37. What Should Your Neighbor Do When You Sell?*

    This is my first house and I feel like my norms may be slightly twisted on this one: what is the role of neighbors when someone is trying to sell their house? I totally remember asking neighbors for their thoughts before I bought, but I also worry the appearance of my house should be tippy-top when my neighbor is selling, particularly while they’re showing it to buyers – and I’m paranoid my big dog will bark at potential buyers and put them off, so I keep pulling him inside. Am I overthinking this? Selling a house seems really high-stakes to me and I don’t to screw it up and cost someone literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.

    1. fposte*

      I’d go with yes, you’re overthinking it. To put it another way, whoever moves in will have to live with the real you, and if tippy-top isn’t your norm (heaven knows it’s not mine) there’s no reason to pretend it is for the moment. If your dog is a big fence barker at neighbors, I think it’s polite to bring him in if you know there are people wandering around, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t–a dog-phobic isn’t going to want to live next to how things normally are. Don’t just think of the impact on your current neighbors, think of the neighbors-to-be.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “To put it another way, whoever moves in will have to live with the real you, and if tippy-top isn’t your norm (heaven knows it’s not mine) there’s no reason to pretend it is for the moment.” This!

    2. Sorry*

      Definitely overthinking this. In nearly 40 years not a single neighbor has ever made any changes to their properties or live styles because a house was for sale.

      1. JSPA*

        I’ve been asked to de-clutter the porch a bit for neighbors to take photos, because we’re a row of cute, quirky, similarly-styled houses, so having a shot showing the neighbors was a potential selling point. But absent that sort of specific request (which came with the offer of a helping hand!) there’s no reason to spontaneously start sprucing up, unless you’re doing it for your own happiness or your own sense of neighborliness.

        Mind you, knowing that people will be casting a judgemental eye can be a great prompt to fix and tidy the things you’ve been meaning to get to, anyway. So, do some of those, and don’t sweat the rest of it.

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Wouldn’t you want a new neighbor to know generally what to expect if they’re going to live next to you, so that they don’t move in and then feel cheated or scammed in some way because there is a dog that barks, or sometimes the neighbor’s grass gets long?

      Definitely overthinking it, hope you can reframe *how* you’re thinking of it. There’s no way what you’re describing will “cost” someone hundreds of thousands of dollars. They’ll find a buyer sooner or later, and none of it is your responsibility outside of general maintenance you’d presumably do anyway.

      1. Solidarity*

        If you were a buyer, how much would you care about the state of a neighbor’s house or the behavior of their dog? I feel like I would care a lot. Selling seems so arbitrary to me – the price can change by 10K in the blink of an eye depending on the day – I just don’t want to mess this up for my neighbor.

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          Reread my first sentence above. If there was an aspect of my neighbor’s property/lifestyle that would affect anything about my decision to purchase a house next to them, I would really want to have a realistic picture before buying the house, rather than learning about it after.

          Unless your neighbor is moving purely to get away from you, I would think you’d want an incoming neighbor to have a similar perspective on living next to you that this one does. They exist! Your current neighbor is proof that they exist! Your current neighbor can choose to sell to someone who is like them in this regard (which would not mean losing money), or take less money if the buyer is not (and note that they would be handing *you* a potentially unpleasant neighbor if they did so). You can’t care more about the selling price point than your neighbor does, but you must care about how you will get along with your future neighbor.

          1. Observer*

            You can’t care more about the selling price point than your neighbor does, but you must care about how you will get along with your future neighbor.

            Yes!

        2. Ann Ominous*

          “ If you were a buyer, how much would you care about the state of a neighbor’s house or the behavior of their dog?”

          If they care a lot, then knowing exactly how the dog acts will really matter! And if they care a lot but don’t know because it’s actively hidden from them, that can result in strained relationships when they are the new neighbors.

          If they don’t care, then it won’t matter either way.

          This isn’t on the LW to mitigate and I would argue does a disservice to potential buyers who would make a different choice if they had the option for informed consent.

        3. Russian in Texas*

          I would care a lot, but I would want to see the real picture, not what someone make lol like for the one day.

        4. JSPA*

          I’d potentially avoid any dog, due to allergies; my sister would buy the house, at a premium, just to commune with your romping, digging, howling, easily-spooked, difficult dog. Slight exaggeration, maybe… but point is, they should sell the house to the person who will love living there, and will pay handsomely for the actual house and actual situation.

          Hiding a serious problem can come back to bite the seller, after the fact.

          If your dog is downright, “will rip your face off if I can break through this fence” aggressive, you have a bigger problem.

          But, “my dog is more doggy than many people like” is like “my neighbors cook with huge amounts of garlic” or “you can smell the sativa” or “their holiday display involves 20 animatronic life-sized creatures.” Let people who think that’s great, self-select.

          Everyone wins.

        5. Observer*

          If you were a buyer, how much would you care about the state of a neighbor’s house or the behavior of their dog? I feel like I would care a lot.

          As a neighbor, I would have even less incentive to “dress up” for someone like that. Because what happens once the house is sold, and you don’t like how my house looks? People are not going to get rid of their pets, make an outside pet suddenly become and inside pet, redo the front of their house or fundamentally change the way they use their porch / front yard driveway because the new neighbor doesn’t like it.

          1. tessa*

            …which is too bad. A relative lives next door to a seriously junky house and is having trouble selling her own house because of it. Clean up your junk, people!

            1. Observer*

              Well, the neighbor should clean up their junk. Of course.

              But not because it’s making it hard for the neighbor to sell. As I said, what’s going to happen once the house is sold?

    4. Teapots are busted*

      Be the best neighbor you can be, but if you do things you can’t sustain, (like yanking your dog inside every minute), you’re pulling a fast one on the people who will be your new neighbors.

    5. KatEnigma*

      I always pulled in my large barking dog too. (She gets used to people who LIVE there, but not strangers) Because I knew we were selling soon after and I wanted them to get top dollar. Both times we sold our house, our closest neighbors sold within a year before we put it on the market.

      Otherwise, just don’t leave crap sitting out. It doesn’t have to be pristine as if your house were for sale, but keep it reasonably maintained.

      1. Solidarity*

        Yeah I realized I had a bunch of yard crap sitting out :( That’s what started this particular spiral. Cleaned it all up but I wish I’d realized sooner. My dog isn’t a huge barker all the time at all, but he does have occasional mad bursts and I just have this vision of him like, charging their fence wuf-wuf-wuffing like he can really do once in a blue moon, right as they’re trying to decide if they want to make an offer.

        1. KatEnigma*

          And the truth is, if she does go on a barking kick, I DO make her come in anyway. I don’t want to listen to her either!

      2. Eff Walsingham*

        I agree 100% with these 2 points. It’s considerate to your neighbours (and your dog) to do what you reasonably can to reduce stranger-inspired barking, particularly if they’re having an open house. But don’t go to the extreme of concealing the very existence of your dog, or the next neighbours may take it amiss.

        Likewise, yes, it would be very nice of you to dispose of any junker car, rotting stump, or other potential eyesore if you had one out front, especially if you’d like to have it gone anyway. Maybe cast an eye over your home from the curb and see if anything stands out as in need of maintenance. If you want. But to me, all of this represents an unusual degree of concern. Even in the hyper-competitive and inflated market where I live, most people won’t go beyond verbal well-wishes to the point of actually upping their home maintenance game. And the prices keep rising regardless.

    6. Russian in Texas*

      Overthinking! Just be as you are. Neighbors won’t change their life for your seeking your house, you don’t need to change yours.
      Realistically, it’s better this way, the buyers need to see the “real” neighborhood.

    7. RagingADHD*

      We go for “us on a good day” rather than “us when everyone has been sick for 3 weeks,” which sometimes means we need to cut the grass or pick up newspapers, etc if they having an open house. But there’s no point creating an unrealistic scenario.

    8. ecnaseener*

      If anything you do is going to affect the selling price, then you’re either “costing” the sellers that money or the buyers! If the normal appearance of your house lowers the neighbors’ house’s value by $X, then by hiding it just during the selling process you are leading the buyers (your new neighbors!) to overpay by $X.

      If you’re close enough with the departing neighbors to really care about their finances, then go ahead and do what you can to help them get the best price — but don’t think of it as a moral issue. Either your old neighbors or your new neighbors get to keep the $X, it’s not getting thrown down the drain no matter what you do.

    10. Missb*

      Eh I’m not into making my yard look perfect, but I also have a half acre and much of it is wooded.

      I did pull the barky dog in if we noticed folks next door looking at the house. We also toured the house to see what our yard looked like from their perspective.

      Fortunately we really like our new neighbors! Their dog is deaf, so our dog barking at their dog doesn’t bother them at all. And they are dog people.

        1. KatEnigma*

          9 times out of 10 in our neighborhood, my dog doesn’t start the barking. That’s about all I can say. Most days, it really is the Twilight Bark in our neighborhood. So at least she’s also not bothering anyone else, because their dogs are also barking and probably started it- especially the poodle next door.

          Funnily enough, the German Shepherd/Sled dog mix only barks from inside- other dogs walk past her house or those evil delivery drivers. The Rott mix can’t be bothered with them and only barks outside, at the dogs she sees or hears through the fence. She doesn’t bother barking at even strangers in yards anymore, as she’s gotten old and grumpy. The Cockalier will join in with either, but won’t start it, but if it’s outside, she normally runs to me to wait for her treat for not barking. She’s the smartest cocker mix I’ve ever had (which isn’t saying a lot) and by far barks the least of her breed that I’ve known.

    12. Don'tbeadork*

      Are you planning to keep your dog inside forever after the house sells? Your potential new neighbors would probably prefer you left things as normal as possible so they can fairly judge if they really want to live in this neighborhood.

  39. Aaron*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread; please post next Friday in the work one! (But also, see the chapter on exercising authority without being a wimp or a tyrant in my book — it’s exactly what you’re asking about.

  40. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

    I want to put security cameras outside of my house and one in my chicken coop. Blink cameras were suggested to me. Does anybody have any suggestions. Thanks.

    2. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I don’t have any experience with Blink specifically, but when I was researching security cameras I saw them recommended a lot. I ended up going with Eufy for a few reasons, one being that I did not want Amazon (or Google, in the case of Nest cameras) having access to my security footage. The other is that I already had a Eufy video doorbell and wanted to keep everything in the same app. I got Eufy’s 2-pack of battery powered indoor/outdoor cameras with hub and they were very easy to set up. It’s been about a week and so far I have no complaints. The person detection feature seems to work very well, although there is a little bit of lag from when it detects something to when it alerts you (so sometimes I’ve gotten an alert for the front yard, but the person has already made it up the driveway to the front door). It doesn’t seem to be a big deal though. The cameras also have a speaker and mic, so you can have a conversation with someone on the other side if you need to–this is a little more fiddly and the speaker quality doesn’t seem to be the best. I don’t see myself needing this function much so I’m not bothered by it.

      (It just occurred to me to look up where Eufy is based, and they’re a Chinese company, so I’m not sure going with them over Amazon/Google is any better on the privacy front. That said, my cameras/doorbell all have local storage with cloud storage being optional, which I like.)

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Eufy has local storage, no cloud required.
        Ring requires a monthly subscription for full usability (without it, you have the live view but no storage).
        My Ring Video doorbell was dirt cheap and I don’t need the storage. There is a hack avaliable to get storage without the subscription but this is definitely work to set up and maintain; I would not recommend it unless you think maintaining a Linux server and some Python scripts is fun.

    3. Playswithbeads*

      I recently added Arlo cameras on the recommendation of a friend and really like them because you can schedule alerts for people or vehicles or animals or other motion or any combination. The images are super sharp unless you intentionally downgrade the videos to extend battery life. You can also meet zones for each camera so that you aren’t running down the batteries by videoing people or cars going by, the kids in neighbor’s yard, etc.

    5. atexit8*

      There are pros and cons.
      Read the reviews.

      You will be paying for the service for the storage of videos.

      Nest and Arlo are more pricey than the Blink

      1. Observer*

        Not necessarily. Several brands allow a small amount of storage, which should be enough to be able to grab and download anything you really need to keep. Also, at least one brand actually lets you store a significant amount locally (ie on your own equipment.)

  41. mreasy*

    I’m packing for a month long trip. I will have access to laundry, but I’m very nervous about forgetting something. I also have a week of needing to look super “professional.” I will be checking a bag, but – what are your suggestions for easy to forget items that are good to have? Thank you!

    1. fposte*

      I’ll go with “lightweight luggage.” Most places we travel to would offer the opportunity to buy replacements for anything we forget. I’m an anxious overthinking traveler, but even I would encourage you to focus on keeping things carryable rather than packing for every eventuality.

      Focus on stuff like prescriptions, which would be a challenge to acquire away from home, and realize that forgetting a particular toiletry isn’t likely to be that big a problem.

      1. Ranon*

        In my house our refrain is “they have stores there” – often used when packing for our first set of trips with a new baby but often applicable.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          This is the advice of my brother-in-law, who did decades of domestic and international business travel. I try to keep it in mind.

          I am very nearsighted, and so for long trips I throw my old glasses in the suitcase. I’ve never needed them, but breaking my glasses far from home would be a major pain, and take many extremely blurry days to correct.

          Health stuff: Prescription drugs. Also any otc drugs you might need if traveling over a holiday–typed as someone whose child broke out in hives around 9 pm on Christmas Eve deep in the country-side visiting relatives; after that I traveled with basic kid drugs. We also appreciated that we had put together a first aid kit for Costa Rica with things like big waterproof bandages so that a skinned knee didn’t need to divert to finding a pharmacy with more than the basic small bandaids.

          A dry one–an extra pair of shoes, extra sweater, etc, even when I expect one to be enough if everything goes right. But I don’t need a dry seven just in case everything that could happen happens at once.

        2. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          Mostly true.
          My advice as someone who travels way too much (100,000 miles per year and counting):
          Expect your checked luggage to get lost or delayed, especially when you have to change planes – I.e. all essentials must be in carry-on luggage. You can check spare clothing, non-essential toiletries etc.
          Essentials include travel documents, any medication you may need, phone, laptop with power supply and international adapter fit for your destination, phone and charge cable, “creature comforts” for the trip (sleeping mask, earplugs and headphones, comfortable slippers or socks, an empty water bottle to refill after security), and two sets of clothing (check the weather at your destination and dress in layers).
          And have the address of your first stay printed to hand to taxi drivers (or directions for public transport, this is a more viable option almost everywhere outside the US).

      2. Kittee*

        Yes to the prescriptions. Put them in your carry-on, not your checked luggage, in case that goes astray. And I have learned from long experience (blizzards, cancelled flights, etc) to always bring more of your medications than you think you need, just in case.

    2. Ann Ominous*

      If you think you may forget something important to you, can you make a list of the items you use each day as you use them?

      Or if you don’t have time, imagine your daily routine and what things you’re using. And like someone else said, they have stores there, and many workarounds: I thought couldn’t survive without my kindle, and then I forgot it once and read it on my phone app and was fine.

      You can pack as you go (ie, do your makeup and put each item into your travel bag after you use it; take your meds and put the bottle in your carryon bag when you’re done).

      All your under things can be washed in the sink, so I don’t worry too much about packing more than a week’s worth of socks and underwear. Just plan ahead and plan to give each thing 1-2 days to dry unless the place you’re staying had a radiator (or washer/dryer!).

      You can also go through this list for reminders: https://www.smartertravel.com/the-ultimate-packing-list/

      Also, it’s ok! You will be okay. You will have (or be able to get) what you need when you need it. You have a 100% track record of surviving challenging things in your life so far.

    3. The teapots are on fire*

      Earplugs, eyeshades, medications, favorite teas, and if you want to be super cautious, your favorite medications for things like coughs or colds if you’ll be going somewhere you won’t be masking all the time. A scarf, if you wear scarves, can make you felt like you have a new outfit. Nobody will notice that you wear the same things over and over. Quick dry underwear so you can hand wash and go on with life.

      I did see an obvious frequent business traveler on a recent overseas trip with a knit pantsuit. She slept in the pants and at the end of her trip pulled the camel colored knit blazer out of her carry-on and looked like she was ready to run a board meeting.

      But I agree that there are stores, so don’t worry too much.

      Safe travels!

    4. Solidarity*

      One thing I do when I really want to pack well (I take a lot of long weekend trips on crappy airlines that let you bring literally a purse …) is put the bag on my bedroom side table for two or three days and observe the things I use and don’t use, putting them in as I think of them. I’ve remembered some really important things that way!

    5. Cacofonix*

      My best recco in travelling is to buy a complete separate toiletry bag and contents. First time, use it for a couple of days before you go to see what you would change. Cuts down packing time and space/weight by a lot because I take the time to travel size it all. I don’t like having to buy things in the first day or two in a new place. Quick refresh when I get back, then it’s ready to go next trip.

    6. Lore*

      The thing I always forget is sleepwear. Which is not a big deal but always annoys me because I’ve generally not packed enough clothes to have extras to sleep in and I prefer sleeping in something more than underwear.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I have cold feet so I always pack those lightweight fabric slippers. It’s the kind of thing I don’t remember until I’m otherwise warm and cosy in my room, realise that I want them and I’m not willing to go cold until I find a store. In a similar vein: a blanket scarf for the flight and unexpected air conditioning generally. A silk scarf can also be wonderfully warm and it can be used to vary up professional outfits or used as a hair accessory. (I also use one to keep my hair in order while sleeping, which cuts down on hair toolage and products). Comfy pants or PJs for evening downtime. Ear plugs or headphones. Comfortable, broken in shoes if there’s more walking than you’re used to at the location. Chargers or charging banks.

      1. KatEnigma*

        My husband flew to Denver for work a couple weeks ago, and only packed short sleeves and no jacket- we forgot in a mere 10 months that fall in places outside of Houston mean colder weather than short sleeves…

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      My never forget/easy to forget item is my nail clippers. I know they have them everywhere, but mine is a pretty specific design and I’m always annoyed at having to use something else.

    10. Decidedly Me*

      I’m a chronic overpacker that’s getting better. The only things I can’t easily replace are prescriptions (meds and contacts). Too many trips I have brought so many things that I didn’t touch once and it’s annoying to haul a bunch of luggage around. I’ve packed the least of all my trips for a current trip and I’m gone over a month – it’s been awesome.

      OTC meds, clothing, electronics, hygiene products, etc are easily purchasable in the vast majority of places. I have purchased things in all these categories on different trips.

      For a work trip, I try to bring a variety of blouses, but fewer pants (or skirts).

      Take smaller amounts/packages of things you do bring. Want to bring Tylenol? Don’t bring your whole bottle, put what you need in a smaller container and bring that instead. I usually bring emergen-c packets and instead of bringing the box, I put them in a bag.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I now have a master list on my laptop of everything I could possibly use pretty much anywhere, from urban travels to wilderness camping. Then I pull from that for the kind of trip I’m taking.

      I created it by mentally walking through my typical day, from waking up to going to bed. And I think about these in the context of staying somewhere else. As a light sleeper, earplugs are critical. I’m chemically sensitive and scented products cause coughing and sneezing. I bring my own unscented soap and hair products from home because they’re hard to find elsewhere. I check how much of my preventive asthma inhaler I have left to make sure I refill it before I leave.

      Some of my items got on the list because I originally forgot them. Now that I’ve used it for years, it’s unusual to add something new. I know there’s no way I could pack everything I needed without a list.

    13. California Dreamin'*

      This is more general packing list advice… at some point many, many years ago, I made a Master Packing List that contained every item every family member (myself, husband, 3 kids) would ever need on any kind of trip. So it has line items for dress shoes and flip-flops, swimsuit and winter gear, beach towels, cosmetics, meds, phone charger, foreign cash as appropriate… you get the idea. I’ve edited it occasionally over the years as my kids went from babies to young kids to teens. When we’re going on a trip, I make a copy of the master list, name it whatever the current trip is, and I just go through and delete the items that won’t apply to this particular trip. So I’m not trying to actually remember what all we need on a trip every time. Bonus is that I now have lots of lists that would still apply to that type of trip that I just reuse… visiting my husband’s family in cold weather climate for Christmas week, for example, or weekend getaway in the desert.

    14. Professor Plum*

      In addition to all the things to take, I also have a list of things to do before I leave: hold the mail, ask a neighbor to watch for unexpected deliveries, turn down the furnace, turn off the water.

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I always bring my travel mug (packed empty in my luggage), and my favorite tea and instant soup. If I feel crappy, the hotel room coffee maker has hot water and I can sip something warm. Heck, I’ve gone into coffee shops to ask them to fill my mug with hot water, they’re usually very happy to do so.
      I also bring a small plastic cutting board and a paring knife with a cover (they go in my checked luggage, not carry-on). I buy cheese and fruit to keep in the hotel fridge because I need to snack late at night.
      I also pack a big empty plastic tote bag (like an ikea bag). I use it as a hamper at the hotel, and I can fit it back into my luggage even when it’s full.

    16. Jackalope*

      I would also add to being anything you absolutely HAVE to have in your carry on if possible; obviously meds as everyone else is saying, but also an extra pair or two of undergarments, at least one change of clothes, pajamas, etc. It’s true that there are stores where you’re going, but it’s a pain to have to go shopping straight off the plane. Obviously try for options that are light-weight and don’t wrinkle if possible. And make sure to consider local weather when packing.

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Amen to that!
        In March, I arrived in Anchorage, Alaska after 3 flights and 18 hours total travel time, at midnight, while my luggage was still in Frankfurt. As I had to board a ship the next morning, an emergency trip to Walmart saved the day. This was the second of three luggage delays in the last 12 months; now I make sure to check only non-essential stuff.

  42. Bluebell*

    Please recommend architectural hidden gems to me! Last weekend I went to Open House NY and saw so many cool things – The Red Room at One Wall St., the Kingsland Wildflower roof, and St Bartholomews church were some of the highlights. Tell me about beautiful buildings you’ve visited- particularly in the US, because those will be the ones easiest for me to visit.

    1. Lilo*

      Weird one but The Peacock Room at the Smithsonian might interest you. The story behind it (which I’m not sharing here) is almost as interesting as the room itself.

      1. Lilo*

        There’s definitely a lot to see in DC though. Library of Congress, the Hillwood Estates, the Building Museum, National Cathedral and the Basilica.

          1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

            Having lived in DC for 14 years, I feel compelled to strongly disagree. Unless you’re being heavily sarcastic…

        2. Bluebell*

          I’ve been to some of the DC museums and the Library of Congress. Not the Building Museum yet. Thanks!

      1. Bluebell*

        Yes, that’s on my list! I am trying to get a friend of mine who is an architect to come with. I watched the movie Columbus a few years ago and decided I needed to go there.

        1. Newbie*

          If you have the time, start your roadtrip in Detroit, at Cranbrook, then Columbus and on to Chicago.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      Anything designed by Julia Morgan. Much of her work is in California – my two favourite buildings of hers are Berkeley City Club (which is a hotel and is on the National Register of Historic Places) and Hearst Castle in San Simeon, which has two fabulous swimming pools and was built for William Randolph Hearst, the alleged inspiration for Citizen Kane.

      1. Bluebell*

        Actually, earlier this month I read a romance novel that takes place at an inn that was designed by Julia Morgan. The notes at the end don’t mention if it’s based on a real place.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Hearst Castle fan here too! They have like four different tours of the place, all of which focus on different things, so you might want to plan for extra time there in case you want to take multiple tours. Near there in San Luis Obispo is the Madonna Inn, which has some fun themed rooms you could stay in.

    4. Llellayena*

      In Portland, OR there are many churches designed by Pietro Belluschi that are absolutely beautiful. I’m also desperate to get to Thorncrown Chapel at some point. In central California (I forget exactly where) there was an underground house with open to the sky courtyards with orange trees in them. Not sure if it still exists and they still do tours though. Fonthill Manor in Doylestown, PA (and the associated tile factory and museum). Winchester Mansion. The Frank Lloyd Wright houses in Oak Park, IL (and Unity Temple). There’s a church in Santa Fe with a hand built spiral stair to the choir loft.

      1. Bluebell*

        Never been to Portland OR and the Thorncrown Chapel is totally new to me. Thanks! I did see the Loretto Chapel when I was in SF 3 years ago.

    5. Filosofickle*

      Chicago has lots of great architecture, but a hidden gem is the Sky Chapel. On a 22nd floor downtown, this tiny little chapel up in the spire has great views and stained glass. Only one tour per day.

      1. Bluebell*

        Totally by chance, I ended up at the Chicago cultural center many years ago, and loved the details. I also did the river architecture tour, and a self guided tour through downtown. Not sure when I’ll return, but will add Sky Chapel to my list. Thanks!

    6. WellRed*

      A literal hidden gem: the Masonic hall in Portland Maine. You’d never know it was anything special. A lot of people don’t even know it exists.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Seconding the Winchester Mystery House. It’s a real gem with a quirky history that really should be publicly owned as a historic treasure. Ignore the kitschy marketing since it’s managed as a tourist destination, and check it out anyway. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there, but I recall it having a whole room of stunning Tiffany stained glass lamps.

    9. Rara Avis*

      The Zimmerman House in Manchester, NH. A Frank Lloyd Wright Usonian house associated with the Currier Museum.

      1. Bluebell*

        Went there one year for my birthday and loved it! I’ve also been to Taliesin West but not the Oak Park houses yet!

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m not sure if this is more designer, but the Sleeper McCann House in Gloucester MA is just so amazing. I think he was was the first interior designer in the US. Also all the first period houses in Ipswich MA. Very cool to see the functional history, I guess you’d call it

  43. SofiaDeo*

    Any of those chairs wheels easy to remove? That should get you the 2 inches. And look at office chairs that aren’t specifically called “desk” ones, more, the ones that visitors would use. Those generally don’t swivel, etc.

  44. Nicki Name*

    Socks for curvy legs!

    I like wearing medium-thick socks that come up to mid-shin, especially in the winter. For a long time random men’s crew socks have worked great for me. Lately, though, it seems like socks are designed by people who think the human leg is a perfect cylinder. The top edges are unable to stretch at all and they wind up partly cutting off my circulation. Anyone know of a brand without this problem?

    (And no, I haven’t changed shape or anything– due to existing health issues, my health is monitored closely, so I know my weight hasn’t changed, I’m not retaining water, etc.)

    1. Asenath*

      Try socks intended for diabetics. They tend to be less constricting, particularly if you buy larger (men’s) sizes, but even then, I find it’s a bit hit or miss as to how constricting they are.

    2. Girasol*

      Me too! I kept getting ones with nice stretchy cuffs that had a constricting band right at the top. I’ve had good luck lately buying Gold Toe cotton crews from Amazon, and some merino wool hiking socks, brand name Kavanyiso. Those have a bit of a tight band at the top but are okay folded over an inch.

    3. Eff Walsingham*

      Dammit, seconding your sock problem! What is it with these non-stretchy tops?? My Mum had very sensitive legs and would cut the tops of her socks, and then they’d fall down.

      I have started wearing Dr. Segal’s Diabetic Socks. I’m not diabetic, but they have the right kind of tops, and they also come in different degrees of compression and have no seams that press on my toes. I have some circulation issues which run in my family, so I find the compression helpful. YMMV, but I love diabetic socks for softness and comfort! I do NOT love that they’re expensive, but they do seem to last longer than the socks I was wearing before, so maybe the value is there.

      1. Lifelong student*

        Lighter compression socks from Amazon stay up well and do provide some support. Not what a doctor might recommend because it isn’t a lot of compression- so not so tight. Less expensive as well. Not too thick either- so fit well in shoes and under pants.

      2. Voluptuousfire*

        Try Dollar Tree! They sell diabetic socks. They may not be great quality but the price is certainly right. My dad used to wear them and they were the only socks that worked with his feet. He was a diabetic with kidney issues so his legs and feet would swell intermittently and they worked like a charm for him.

    4. Maryn*

      SockDreams.com tells you the measurement of the top of its crew socks. I have thick legs but can find great socks there that fit just fine.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I currently wear REI store-brand hiking socks, and those don’t seem to have this problem but also aren’t exactly suitable for dressier occasions if your life includes those. I like hiking socks because they come in xsmall-small-medium-large-xlarge unisex instead of womens-mens for sizes, and my feet live right in the Medium Zone, where “womens” socks are too small and “mens” are too big. The wider range of size options also mean you could try sizing up if the larges were bindy for you, although the large in a unisex multi-size range is probably a little larger to start with.

    6. Ann Ominous*

      Thorlo hiking socks or boot socks. I love these. They are SO expensive – I got mine when they were $10 a pair when I was in Iraq in 2005 (so they’re probably double that now!), and they still look like new. They hold up and don’t fall down, and I feel like I am walking on marshmallows. I’m a woman if that matters, but I do have big feet.

    7. HannahS*

      Look for “fully fashioned” socks. That term means that there is shaping knitted into the sock.

  45. Anon for this one*

    Spouse has been through the wringer the past 6 months with his remaining parent, diagnosed with dementia, and fighting him every step of the way as he moved him from the unsafe environment in his home, placed him in two vetted nursing homes (the first one didn’t work out), and then fended off the grifter caregivers and “friends” who were trying to orchestrate either a legal maneuver or perhaps a kidnapping of a willing victim to get him back where they could keep stealing from him. Spouse’s sister washed her hands of the matter. Now the parent has passed away, and spouse has to travel to meet up with sis and clear out the house. Spouse is absolutely dreading this trip (a week away) and testy and snapping at all of us at home. I am so sympathetic to what he has been through (and is going through) but I really really do not like having these complex emotions taken out on me and the kids now that the immediate strain is past. Part of the complexity, I would assume, is that there is a 6-9 month timeline of receiving his share of the estate – which he has certainly earned, IMHO – but I know spouse is feeling guilt and not ready to speculate with me about what the family will do with it.
    I don’t know if this is really winding down into a question per se? Aging parent drama sux, amirite?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      My father-in-law is getting there, but not quite as bad. It does really suck and I’m not looking forward to growing old like that.

    2. Maryn*

      I’ve cleared out the homes of two deceased relatives, and it’s a huge job. When it’s your own parent, there’s also emotional pain, guilt, and all that why-didn’t-I? baggage.I wouldn’t want to count the number of times I had to sit down and cry.

      Things to consider: Is there anyone else you trust who could do this for your husband? Older relatives who are retired and have more uncommitted time? Are there people where Dad lived who are not out to steal what they can? Would a refusal become a yes if you paid the person? Could you do it, if your husband covered everything you do?

      Failing that, would you consider hiring a pro? There are businesses that do this specifically as well as some auctioneers whose staff will sort through the entire household if they see indications of things they can sell at a profit. (They take a percentage.)

      The estate being settled is likely to take a long time, so dangling that like a carrot isn’t very motivating, especially since how well or quickly the house is cleared won’t impact what he inherits. Either the will, if there is one, or state law will be the deciding factor.

      But doing the job well helps the family find and keep what matters (photographs, papers, yearbooks, letters, heirlooms), identify what has inherent value and can be sold (jewelry, furniture, fine china, musical instruments, antique anything), and put what isn’t valuable in the possession of the poor in Dad’s community through donation or garage sale.

      However this plays out, we wish him the strength to get through it.

      1. Anon for this one*

        No, unfortunately his dread is about dealing with his sibling while clearing out the house, as much as the emotionally overwhelming task of clearing out the house and taking what mementoes he’d like for himself and the kids. They did this for their mom’s house 5 years ago so sadly he knows exactly what he’s in for.
        Estate will be settled in at most 12 months, and he already knows his share. It’s not so much dangling a carrot as just some reassurance/light at the end of the tunnel.
        thanks for the well wishes.

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          I deeply empathize. I, too, have siblings. And had parents. And there was stuff, and feelings, and drama. It will be 6 years past in a few weeks, and there are still feelings, and some drama about who did what with what. (And WHY???)

          At least you and Spouse have a timeline on when he goes, when he returns, etc. A lot of the uncertainty of illness is removed by death. Maybe you can help him find some distractions to keep him from dwelling on the impending trip? And to potentially distract him in the evenings on his trip, or whenever he’s not actually working with the sister. A book, a game, something to watch on a device… just as a sanity saver in a dark time. I personally find that each individual excruciating minute lasts longer in times of grief. So maybe some form of forgettable, low-impact entertainment would help.

    3. Workerbee*

      I’m actually wondering if your spouse would be willing to just…not go. Are there really mementos he can’t live without?
      If spouse’s sister was zero help when he really could have used the emotional and physical support, then let the sister handle the house clearing.

    4. time for cocoa*

      We are still dealing with estate legal issues from a parent’s death in summer 2021 (after over a decade of drama with his nasty self fighting the required care). Be prepared for this to drag out longer than you’d expect.

    5. JSPA*

      Let him know that you will never blame him if he decides

      a) that his siblings getting “more than their share” is a fine price to pay for sanity

      b) if his siblings insist that he take things he has no use for, that he will take and then donate or dump

      c) that he will pay to digitize or make copies of the photos that multiple people want

      As to the sister not getting involved:

      Remember that what to one person is an obvious grifter is, to another person, a complex long-standing relationship. (Not all serious relationships get shared with kids.)

      With familiar people, the effects of dementia can be much milder than when family is suddenly in town; and to familiar people, the slow decline can be far less obvious and less jarring, than if you see someone once or twice a year.

      And consider that when dementia comes for us, we may care passionately about staying in our community and with our friends; and that being institutionalized is not (in fact) a panacea.

      Reasonable people can differ on what they feel is due to a parent, under that circumstance.

    6. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I’m really sorry for what both you and your spouse are going through. It might help to bear in mind that the immediate strain may have passed for you, but not for him. This extended part between the loss of a parent and the settlement of the estate can actually be the hardest for many people. It’s when the grief really sets in. If you’ve been the primary carer it’s when you suddenly feel lost without that big job in your life, and dealing with the uncertainty of potential family inheritance drama on top of it can be debilitatingly stressful. It’s impossible to move on emotionally till everything’s ‘finished’ per se and it’s like their passing is still ongoing till then, if that makes sense.

      Gently, you need to give your spouse some latitude here, and then some. Testy and snappy is at the mild end of expected reactions in this situation. You’re not there to be his emotional punching bag, but you also need to understand that his ability to process right now is extremely low. Any additional pressure, which could be in the form of asking about the estate or probing into the family drama – all of which he doesn’t have answers for and is very stressed about himself – will be too much for him to deal with.

      The best you can do right now as his partner is focus on helping him keep putting one foot in front of the other. Daily tasks, routines, help him get through the basics. Emotionally, let him dump out and don’t dump in on him unless it absolutely cannot be helped. Assuming you’re in it for the long haul, his grief is bigger than your temporary irritation. If it gets to the point where he’s being totally unreasonable and his behaviour is genuinely causing you/your family pain or hardship, tell him you love him and that you’re in this together but [x behaviour] has to stop and what needs to happen to prevent [x]?

      But before you go there, try taking a big step back and seeing if there are any ways in which you can be more supportive and ease the emotional load on him first. I’ve just been there and it most definitely sucks. Wishing you well.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      For the testiness, I’d recommend setting a hard line with taking stuff out on the kids. You can understand the larger context in which he’s snapping; they probably cannot.

      For the estate, is there a will? If so, what the family will do with the estate is whatever is spelled out in the will. Speculating about whether they will sell the house or someone will buy the other heirs out, how much they can get for the house, etc, sounds like a ticket to madness. If he’s not the executor, or asked to help the executor, speculating about this stuff seems like a good way to drive his stress spiral up. Repeat “It is what it is. New topic” as needed if he brings it up, and don’t bring it up yourself.

  46. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Has anyone watched the Netflix movie “All quiet on the Western front”? What did you think about it and is it worth watching?

    1. Lynne679*

      I haven’t seen the Netflix version, but I saw the 1930s version a long time ago. That version is very good, but man is it a total bummer. It’s one of the OG anti-war movies made in the US.

      2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        I mean, it’s based on a book that is “a total bummer”, so I’m not sure a new film version will be any less depressing if it stays halfway true to the book. Sorry :/
        (I haven’t seen the new version, though, sorry)

        1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          I’ve read the book (done a school essay on it, actually) and seen the 1930 movie. No idea if the Netflix movie is sny good (I don’t have Netflix).

  47. Loopy*

    Thinking of doing a quick two day trip to Atlanta. Any recommendations on what to see and do in early Dec (I am a huge fan of Christmas/seasonal things)? Currently curious on the cocoa cola world and if the zoo and aquarium are worth making time for. Food and beverage recs and any tips and tricks welcome!

    1. WellRed*

      I loved the aquarium and it’s right near world of Coca Cola. The Martin Luther king center was very moving. I wonder if the botanical gardens decorate for the holidays? I just spent a few days this week in downtown ATL and gotta warn ya, even compared to last year, things have gone downhill in terms of restaurants being closed or understaffed. My huge hotel only had two operating elevators making for long waits and crowded cars. Not sure about other areas.

      1. peasblossom*

        Agreed! The High is great as is the aquarium. The botanical gardens do a very seasonal lights/decoration show in December too that’s a lot of fun. Favorite places to eat include: Mary Mac’s Tea Room (don’t be fooled by the name–it’s what southerners call a “meat and three”), The Porter, Ecco, and Good Harvest on Buford highway.

    3. Ginger Pet Lady*

      The aquarium is IMO the best one in the US. And I have visited a few dozen around the country. Amazing.

    4. tab*

      I agree that you can’t go wrong with the Aquarium. I also love the beltline. (I call it Atlanta’s best idea.) The section between Ponce City Market and Krog Market is very popular and lined with plenty of places to eat and drink.

    5. VegetarianRaccoon*

      I loved the aquarium-I really don’t think there’s a lot of places you can see whale sharks otherwise, and they were very cool.
      I can’t believe it, but I did have fun going to Coca Cola World. I’m not a big Coke drinker, or fan, or collector, and I don’t drink a lot of soda in general, but I still loved trying all the different kinds of soda from around the world. (Hint: if they still have it, ‘Beverly’ is an, uh, *unique* experience.) And I liked the memorabilia part just because I like seeing how people lived in the past.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        There are now only three places in the world you can get Beverly – the Atlanta world of coke, the Las Vegas coke store and Epcot. All of them have an assortment of international sodas, including Beverly, and a fun group activity is to get a flight and do a group tasting with scores and such.

        Several years ago, my then-roommate: “Vanilla Coke Zero. I wonder if that’s any good.”
        Me: “(Friend) likes it.”
        Roommate: “Yeah, but (Friend) likes Beverly.”
        Me: *died laughing on the Target floor*

        (My dog’s favorite toy is a stuffed rhinoceros that I named Beverly because of my usual description of the taste of the stuff.)

    7. Ocelot Queen*

      Holiday Lights at the Botanical Garden – every visitor I’ve taken there has loved it, and they added a new display set to music in the last year or so that was really great!

    9. The OG Sleepless*

      Atlanta resident here. I second all of the above, and want to mention that the zoo may not be the best use of your time. It’s a good, AAZA accredited zoo, but it’s smaller than a lot of city zoos and not very remarkable, plus it’s a bit of a drive from the other downtown stuff listed above. Check out what’s playing at the Fox Theater, and if you’re a Shakespeare fan, The Tempest is playing at the Shakespeare Tavern just down the street.

  48. Past Lurker*

    TLDR; I think the property manager from the former job of commenter “I used to work in a hellmouth” is the new manager of the apartment complex where I live.

    The new management of my apartment complex sends several messages a week threatening to fine everyone $100 a day if there’s litter on the grounds, if the trash cans meant for dog waste baggies have any other trash in them, etc. I don’t litter or throw trash in the dog waste cans, but apparently we must all be punished.
    Worst is they’ve decided they don’t want to deal with USPS packages. They emailed everyone stating we have to call the Post Office and have all packages delivered to our door. They gave the phone number of the wrong Post Office to call. Both that Post Office and the correct one assure me the Postal Service won’t deliver packages to individual apartments. The Post Office also said they can’t hold packages at their facility and will continue to deliver them to the manager’s office regardless.
    Any advice on how to deal with difficult apartment complex managers, or specifically with the package delivery issue, is welcome.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      There was a thread on BestofRedditorUpdates recently on Reddit about punitive property management by a company that had bought a mobile home park and was trying to drive out all the tenants so that they could cash in on the value of the property. Could something similar be going on here? Maybe consult an attorney? So sorry you’re dealing with this.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I had a terrible on-site property manager for a while. Eventually I found out the information for the management company itself (which had an international home office in Canada but also a local office in my city), and I started forwarding her bizarre emails to them with brief “please advise” type sentences at the top. She wasn’t around for much longer, but I think a lot of the unit owners were unhappy with her and not just me. The staff hated her too.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Great! If you are going to try it, it’s worth figuring out who is her actual supervisor. I found out because the management company had sent out a “introducing your new manager” email that came from an actual person at the home office. Then I called the local office to find out who oversaw our property locally. When I forwarded her emails, I cc’d both people on them.

      2. Cookie*

        If there’s a UPS Store convenient to you, you can rent a mailbox there and they will also accept and hold all of your packages. You could have any package (not just UPS) shipped there, thus circumventing the property manager’s weirdness for now.

        I rented a PO box at the actual post office for a while and if you get a big enough box, packages fit in it, but a) your local PO may not offer it; b) the bigger boxes are more expensive.

    3. WellRed*

      I’ve never heard of a post office refusing to hold packages. I’d make sure they gave you the correct information on that. Also, Dig out your lease and refer back to it to push back on some of this other nonsense. Is it just a rogue manager or a totally terrible company?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        That particular office might not have the facilities to hold packages for an entire apartment complex- the one closest to my house might be able to hold one or two, but there simply isn’t enough storage space to hold any significant number of packages and continue to be able to receive and store new ones, so officially they don’t do it (well, unless you’re our elderly neighbor who brings them cookies every time she has to pick up a held package).

      2. Past Lurker*

        It’s a new owner who brought in a new management company, so I’m not sure if it’s the entire company or just this group that is awful. But all people working in the management office seem to be equally terrible so far. Rude and condescending even when you’re there just to pay your rent.

      3. Sorry*

        The post office will probably hold packages as part of a full hold placed from the addressed. But this is temporary, usually when you will be gone for a week or two.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      I had an apartment manager who would be gone the whole week before rent was due (we had to deliver in person) and then would come beating on my door on due day at 8am asking for the rent (knowing full well I worked overnight and would have just gotten to bed an hour earlier).

      He also posted notices on every apartment with a female resident in it saying not to flush feminine hygiene products. The guy bringing home a different woman every night of course did not get such a notice…

      I moved. This was a smaller complex, though, and there was little I could have done. I didn’t even have access to the owners – everything always flowed through the on-site manager. If you have access to the owners, talk to them. Or, if the property manager is part of a property management group and not an independent one, talk to that company.

      Good luck! :)

    5. Observer*

      Make sure that you are not paying via an automated system (ie no automatic monthly withdrawals), so that you can control what comes out of your account.

      Then simply refuse to pay the “fines” for anything that they cannot specifically tie to you. Document what they are demanding and that they don’t have any proof. Because even in landlord friendly areas they can’t just decide “we’re fining you for some random act” and make is stick.

      But, yes, see if you can find a lawyer, either individually or with other tenants. If you have a Legal Aid or Tenants Aid type of organization in your ares, that’s a good place to start as they deal with landlord problems All. The. Time.

  49. CharlieBrown*

    I hope Satan himself creates a special circle of hell for whoever invented leaf blowers.

    Otherwise, it’s a beautiful autumn day, sunny, warm but not too warm, most of the bugs have gone away, not a cloud in the sky. It’s so nice to be outdoors!

    So what’s your worst autumn annoyance?

    1. WellRed*

      It’s frustrating temperature wise. No heat in a lot of places yet, but if it gets chilly out, then you freeze. Turn the heat on and it’s 75 and sunny all of a sudden.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Yes, this! The place where I work keeps turning on the heat according to the calendar, not the actual weather, and the heat is an ancient system that can’t be controlled, it’s just on or off. If it’s 65 outside, as it was this week, and the heat is on, it’s 85 inside. (For that matter, if it’s 30 degrees outside and the heat is on, it’s usually 85 inside.)

    2. Double A*

      We have an electric leaf blower and it’s awesome. Not silent but definitely what I feel is an acceptable volume.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Like most noises, it’s different when you’re the one making the noise. Have you talked to your neighbors about what they think about the volume?

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          It’s a good 15-25 decibels quieter than a gas powered leaf blower depending on the models involved.

        2. KatEnigma*

          If you don’t realize an electric leaf blower is MUCH quieter than a gas one, you’re pretty out of touch.

    3. Anon6*

      Leaf blowers are my year round annoyance! Folks are out there every single day, some starting at 7:30 a.m. I live on a busy big city street, and there aren’t that many leaves! They do this for hours. Grrrrrrrr.

    4. Bluebell*

      Yep, also on team “save me from leaf blowers.” One of the neighbors does it so often that it’s infuriating.

    5. Missb*

      Fall annoyance: Leaves everywhere? We let them accumulate and eventually rake them. Not into mow and blow but most of our neighbors are.

      We compost them onsite.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I so wish everyone did this! I’m on Team No Leaf Blowers. I recognize they are necessary for some people who are physically unable to rake, and otherwise I don’t understand them. I’ve offered to take my neighbor’s leaves. I rake them up put them in an empty trash bin and use them as the brown layer for my compost bin.

        1. Cookie*

          My condo complex has gravel and “lava rock” on some tree-planted areas. Leaves collect in those spots and can’t be raked (doing so would rake the rocks right off the plot and nobody’s going to stand around picking rocks out of the leaves and tossing them back). We have a lawn service that does leaf blowing (weekly, for hours, ugh) and it removes at least some of the leaves which would otherwise just rot into the gravel, creating a stinky, goopy mess. I don’t love the leaf blower but I see why it works for this space.

    6. VegetarianRaccoon*

      That there’s not enough of it. I grew up in New England with long gorgeous falls, now I live in Alaska in a place where the colors are muted and fall only lasts like a week or two, at least the way that we think of ‘fall.’

        1. VegetarianRaccoon*

          thank you, I feel validated now lol
          It’s so funny how I never realized that wasn’t how fall was for *everyone*
          I thought the tourists came leaf-peeping because of the lack of billboards and tall buildings and whatnot making it easier to see the leaves.

    7. Voluptuousfire*

      I get a hacking cough due to barometric pressure changes/post-nasal drip during late Oct most years and it makes me sound like I have bronchitis. It lasts 10 days and finally subsides.

      Also leaf blowers. My lawn service comes every other week and seem to come right at the time I’m stressed over something or whatever and the sound is the leaf blower hair adds another layer of straw to what I’m already dealing with. Noise canceling headphones work, but it’s still grating

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I, too, despise leaf blowers; however, it’s a necessity for me these days. I have a large yard and it’s way too much to rake, especially with chronic pain issues.

      Due to age and lawn size, most people in my neighborhood, myself included, hire landscapers to mow their lawns, and after mowing, they finish up by blowing all the debris off the lawn. So, I’m treated to hearing leafblowers, usually the industrial ones, mulitple times per week from spring all the way through fall.

  50. Double A*

    I just saw that Signal will stop supporting SMS messaging. I don’t entirely understand what this means. Does this mean you can only use signal to send messages to other people who use signal, and if they don’t use signal you’ll have to use a different app?

    I 100% cannot handle having two text messaging apps so I guess if I’m understanding this correctly I am going to stop using Signal. But I’ve been using it for years. So how do I…send and receive text messages? I have Android.

    1. Ann Ominous*

      This article explained it pretty well as well as how to check if you specifically are affected:

      This change will only affect you if you use Signal as your default SMS app on Android. Meaning that you use Signal on Android to receive and send both Signal and SMS messages from within the Signal interface.

      If you do use Signal as your default SMS app on Android, you will need to select a new default SMS app on your phone. If you want to keep them, you’ll also need to export your SMS messages from Signal into that new app.

      To check if this is you, go to the Settings in your Signal account. Select Chats → SMS/MMS. If SMS is enabled, you’ll have to export your messages and pick a different default SMS app.

      https://signal.org/blog/sms-removal-android/

      1. Double A*

        Okay, yes, I do use Signal as my only text messaging app. I don’t think I care enough to export old messages so I guess I’ll just change to the default one.

        I don’t NEED a secure messaging app I guess but it was nice to have some aspect of my communications 1) not handled be the Googleverse and 2) sometimes encrypted. More and more people are using Signal, but it’s by no means universal and now I don’t understand why the average person would use it and it seems like this will just lead to a mass Exodus or switching away from signal.

        I find this very annoying and don’t agree with their reasoning at all but it’s their company so what are you going to do.

        1. Double A*

          Also I have a cold so I feel crummy and have been dealing with attempting to update security across all my various accounts after someone hacked my bank account and it’s a PAIN. So I’m just extra grumpy about this stuff right now.

        2. Observer*

          I find this very annoying and don’t agree with their reasoning at all but it’s their company so what are you going to do.

          I’m not sure how you can agree or disagree with their reasoning when you don’t seem to understand the reasoning.

          The primary reason they made the switch is technical – they don’t have the capacity to support the update RCS protocol that is now being folded in to SMS. Figuring out how to do that would take enormous resources, and might not be possible without creating other significant issues, given the way RCS currently works.

          It’s annoying, but I doubt it’s going to turn a significant percentage of their user base away, though.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Can’t answer your question about Signal but your android should have come with a messaging app you can use. On my phone it’s just called Messages. If you can’t stand the way it looks like me, there are a ton of other apps you can use. I like Chomp.

    3. Russian in Texas*

      Your Android should absolutely have a built-in messaging system, just called Messages. You can also switch to Whatsapp, but that would only work for you if others it as well.

      1. Double A*

        Every attempt to try to be more secure seems like I just get sucked back in to handing over all my data to Google.

        1. acmx*

          I feel you. I was so sad when Blackberry died and I had to go with android or iPhone.

          Everyone is ok with Google having their info (see all the comments of people saying use Gmail when email addresses come up lol)

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Some day I’m going to be fed up enough with Google that I’m going to use one of the weird open source OSs that you can use for smart phones. Maybe there will be some good ones available by then.

        3. Observer*

          Using Google Messages is no less secure that using Signal for SMS messages, though. Signal will tell you this flat out- If you use Signal to send messages to other people who use Signal, you’re not getting anything better out there. But if you are using Signal to send SMS you lose every shred of security that Signal would otherwise give you.

          Which points to the one upside of the change – Till now a lot of people had a false sense of security around the SMS messages they were sending on Signal. No more.

    5. Observer*

      Pretty much, yes, if someone doesn’t have Signal, you’ll have to use another app.

      Given that you have Android, you already have the second app you need – Either Google Messages or (in the case of some Samsung phones) Samsung Messages. Anyone to whome you cannot send messages in Signal to can be messaged that way.

  51. JustAnon*

    I’ve started using a Saline Spray to help clear my sinuses (advice from my ENT doctor), and it has really helped!

    The problem is, that actually using it is uncomfortable. It feels a lot like being in a swimming pool and getting chlorinated water up my nose. Does anyone have tips for making this easier?

    1. Becky S.*

      Try bringing it to body temperature. Also consider a neti pot and check online for the porportion of salt & baking soda to water. Water should be boiled and cooled to body temp, to kill bacteria.

      1. RagingADHD*

        If you live in an area with treated water to normal standards for the US, Canada, UK, etc, this is not an issue. If you’re on well water or your water supply is iffy, you should boil it.

        1. ShinyPenny*

          The latest word from the FDA on this:

          “Tap water isn’t safe for use as a nasal rinse because it’s not adequately filtered or treated. Some tap water contains low levels of organisms — such as bacteria and protozoa, including amoebas — that may be safe to swallow because stomach acid kills them. But in your nose, these organisms can stay alive in nasal passages and cause potentially serious infections. They can even be fatal in some rare cases, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).”
          Dated 8-4-2021

          (Google “FDA nettie pot safety”)

        2. A313*

          I live in a major US city and had to promise my allergy doctor I would only use distilled water with the neti pot. With the distilled water, I do also use the Neilmed packets in the neti pot, and if I forget, there is a lot of pain/stinging.

        3. ThatGirl*

          Incorrect, unfortunately. There are all kinds of warning when you buy a neti pot, and people have gotten brain amoebas from unfiltered water.

          1. RagingADHD*

            The singular case of a brain amoeba from nasal rinsing in the US was from “tap” water where the tap was attached to a private well and the water was untreated.

            It was widely reported as if it were city water, but that was just the sensational headline.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Even so, I’m willing to take one extra step to avoid a worst-case scenario. (And I work for a plumbing adjacent company, I know that water quality varies widely in the US thanks to aging infrastructure.)

          2. fposte*

            And it’s kind of like rabies but with less advance warning–if you get unlucky, you get really unlucky.

      2. Stinky kitty*

        Seconding the neti pot. I use distilled water in mine along with the saline mix and warm it like a baby’s bottle. DON’T use it at room temp. It’ll make things uncomfortable. It takes some getting used to using it and I recommend using when you shower.

      3. fposte*

        AFAIK the recommendation is actually to boil it for 5 minutes, in fact. That’s what I do, anyway.

    2. ThatGirl*

      That’s kind of the side effect of proper nasal spray or neti pot use, but the sensation should stop once you gently blow your nose. It does help if it’s closer to body temp. I find a neti pot a bit more effective because it’s going through, not just “up”, but the sensation is also odd.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      The saline might be too strong/concentrated. Try a brand intended for children. I complained to my ENT about the saline stinging, and he recommended Little Noses or something similar.

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Years ago I tried a ceramic neti pot and really disliked using it. But then I found a plastic squeeze bottle made for nasal irrigation, and I am very happy with the combination of that squeeze bottle, distilled water (I keep a gallon of it in the bathroom so it’s always at room temp), and a salt that is made for this purpose (I use Himalayan Chandra) along with a measuring thingy for the salt that originally came with the squeeze bottle. There is no discomfort at all in using this.

      In my experience the right kind of salt and the right kind of water are as important as the neti pot device.

    5. M&M Mom*

      My husband loves the Navage device. You buy pods for it. I could not get the hang of using it properly.

  52. Mewtwo*

    What is a good way to meet other childfree people to hang out with? I just turned 30 and am living in an urban area. I’m looking to expand my social circle, particularly with the child free crowd. Where have people in primarily child free social circles met one another?

    1. Eff Walsingham*

      Thinking it over, many people in the friend groups of my spouse and I do have children, but the activities we do with them (board games, theatre, hiking) are not child orientated. So when someone has kids, we hardly see them for about 5 years, with no hard feelings on either side. Parents, especially new parents, just don’t have much time for outside activities that don’t involve children. Later, some of them come back during school hours, or after the kids are in bed, with the grands, etc.

      All this to say, I would just focus on finding meetup groups for activities that you personally enjoy (at least some of which are probably not suitable for children?) and then just don’t stick around if you’re not enjoying it for whatever reason. Without disliking children or trying particularly to avoid them, I rarely end up places with children, because our paths don’t tend to cross.

    2. time for cocoa*

      Groups that revolve around expensive and time-consuming hobbies are more likely to have CF folks. Artists, travel photographers, musicians, dressage competitors, stuff like that. Also nocturnal hobbies; none of the people I know who are into astronomy have kids.

      1. Angstrom*

        When I moved to a new city in my early 30s I took classes and went to meetings of clubs that sounded interesting — everything from skiing to origami. Most of those I only went once, but it was a fun way to get acquainted with the area and meet people.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I recommend Meetup. There are lots of groups organized by age group. When you create your profile, they ask you what your interests are which can include an age range, and then they share groups that align with your interests and you can choose to join them. Like you, I was looking for people comparable to my life circumstances and age, and I’ve made some good friends that I now connect with outside of just our Meetup events.

  53. thebeanmoveson*

    Hot springs national park!
    I’m planning a vacation there because I like both Mountain Biking and Baths. I’m trying to decide if Hotel Hale is worth it. Its a bit more expensive than the other hotels but I’m not sure if I can pass up just sitting in a hot spring tub.

    1. Cookie*

      For what it’s worth, there is a hot spring tub facility near the national park visitors’ center (see this page https://www.nps.gov/hosp/planyourvisit/thermal-springs.htm). Last time I was there, the waiting line was longish, but you don’t have to stay in a fancy hotel to get into a tub. I believe there were a couple of other spa services in town offering baths (and other stuff). I opted not to because it was 80 degrees that day but if I went back in the winter I’d do what I did in the summer – stay in an Airbnb and use the Buckstaff tub.

      Do not miss the historical displays in that visitors’ center. Weird and pretty creepy! Also the entire area around Hot Springs is just beautiful for walking/hiking and sightseeing.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      In Costa Rica we stayed in a really nice hotel with hot springs, and it was very worth the extra money.

  54. Fish is so very fishy*

    I’d like to eat more fish, it’s healthy right?, but I can’t get over how fishy it always tastes. I have a pound of sea bass in my freezer and good intentions, but am dreading the day when I thaw it and have to cook it and eat it. How can I make it taste not-fishy and delicious? (I realize that’s very subjective, but….) Maybe a curry approach, or soy sauce/sesame oil, that will minimize the fishiness?

    2. Maryn*

      Marinades and salsas can disguise or minimize the fishiness of fish.

      Marinades can be anything you might use on chicken or pork. Cilantro-lime-chili powder, sesame-ginger, lemon-garlic-dill are the ones we use most. Usually I buy commercially made ones like Lawry’s.

      Salsas that are fruit-based are great at hiding the fish taste (and can be mixed into a lot of side dishes like rice). Peach, mango, or nectarine salsa with some jalapeno and red onion? There could be anything under there.

      One one disguise is to bake or pan-cook the fish in a tomato-based chunky liquid. We do tilapia that way (petite diced tomatoes, garlic, capers or black olive slices for some salty punch) fairly often; it tastes really fishy to me otherwise.

      1. Maxie's Mommy*

        Mango/cucumber salsa is good at hiding fishy tastes. So is lemon rice (cook rice in chicken broth, then add 3T. lemon juice and 1T. lemon zest at the end of cooking).

    3. Bluebell*

      There are quite a few recipes with a soy/ginger marinade and/or glaze. Those will be stronger than any fishy taste.

    4. MJ*

      We recently tried a miso glazed fish that was delicious. If you can get miso paste locally I’m sure there are recipes online.

      Another yummy marinade was maple syrup and whole grain mustard.

    5. Mary S*

      I’m in the same boat. The only thing that makes fish taste less fishy to me is making it spicy or frying it. I put flaked salmon in a sweet and spicy garlicky sauce, tossed with lots of lo mein noodles. Paprika and cayenne in a tuna salad. Fish and chips. Maryland-style crab cakes.

      I sort of gave up and started getting my omega-3s from walnuts, pecans, chia seeds, and supplements/fortified foods instead.

    6. Newbie*

      Good fish doesn’t taste fishy. Figure out what is the best quality fish in your area by talking to local folks who are good cooks and buy that. You shouldn’t have to drown it in seasonings for it to be tasty.

      1. fposte*

        So I’m another fish non-liker, and I think people who like fish and people who don’t like fish are using “fishy” to mean different things. I recognize that halibut and salmon have different flavor profiles, but I can taste the fish in both of them.

        And since the fish with the most benefits is the oily stuff that pretty much everybody agrees is fishy, I’m with the people who say just find another way to get those healthful benefits.

        1. KatEnigma*

          I used to think I hated salmon. Because it tasted “fishy”

          But what I hated was the cheap salmon my mother bought and then cooked to death.

          I like my salmon rare, and when it’s fresh, even salmon does NOT taste “fishy”

    7. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Look, it’s good for you, but so are other foods that you actually enjoy! Eat them instead. Fish is way too expensive to eat if you don’t like it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This! Like exercise–the exercise you will do regularly, whether because you like it or because you’re built it in to be convenient, trumps some other exercise that might have hypothetical benefits if you were doing it, which you are not.

        Good health habits stick when you have managed to make them feel like the low effort option.

    8. Kay*

      The more you cover things up with sauce, spice, etc. the less you will actually taste the thing it is you are cooking. This goes for anything you are cooking, but for fish liquid sauces help keep your fish moist, citrus will break down your fish the longer it is marinated (think ceviche) and strong flavors/spice can mask a lot.

      That being said, if you don’t like fish just remember it generally has lots of mercury (not healthy), is almost always overfished, has tons of bycatch/collateral damage and its health benefits can be found in other more sustainable options. So you can easily make the not so healthy argument when it comes to fish, especially if you don’t actually enjoy it!

    9. Weegie*

      I always poach/marinade fish and squeeze a little fresh lime over it before cooking. The lime (lemon works too) seems to neutralise the fishy smell as it cooks. Works with almost all fish, though less effective with swordfish, which has a very strong taste and smell. With tuna, my marinade is olive oil, ginger, soya sauce, lime and a spice mix.

      1. Belle*

        I was going to recommend the same thing, soak in milk and then discard the milk. Really helps me with the fish smell and then you can pay dry and cook any way you want to.

    11. KatEnigma*

      I marinate my fish in a soy sauce/lime juice/garlic marinade (eyeball it. It’s not a precise science)

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Where do you live? If you can get fresh fish from someplace local to you, you might like it better. Whether fresh or salt water, fresh, not frozen, is the way to go. It’s so hard to eat more fish when it’s not fresh, I’m sorry to say.
      I’m from the Northeast and I have to say the only seafood I buy frozen is shrimp.

  55. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Anyone have thoughts on how to write a will when you really don’t have anyone “downstream” of you who it makes sense to have inherit stuff?

    I’m in my 40s and not planning to die any time soon, but I realized that since I own a house and it has a lot of stuff in it, I should probably have at least a basic will that covers the “less hassle for everyone if I get hit by a bus” scenario.

    I spent most of my 20s and 30s living in either cheap rentals or with one of my parents, so at that time I figured “well, my friends can go through my SF paperbacks, grab what they want, and drop the rest off with Friends of the Library for their next book sale, and everything else can go back to Goodwill where I mostly got it from” covered it, so no will needed since nothing I owned had any meaningful monetary value. But, well, now I have a house. And lots of stuff in it, since as older family members downsized I ended up with things like The Family Piano, plus I now have a job that leaves me with enough extra money to buy stuff I want sometimes as well as enough space to store more stuff.

    I have no siblings. I have one step-sibling who I have never lived in the same state as (our parents married when we were adults and we never lived together), and two “full” cousins, only one of which has kids (the other is in her mid-forties and never wanted kids, so is the “closer” non-child-having relative to my cousin’s kids since they’re her niblings). I suppose those kids of my cousin’s are my closest next-generation-down blood relatives, but that’s getting pretty distant and I don’t feel particularly connected to them. Beyond that, it’s distant relations along the line of my mom’s cousin’s grandkid or my dad’s half sister’s grandkid, people who I’ve maybe met a few times but who definitely aren’t close relatives.

    I mean, for now I can just leave everything to my parents, but I do eventually plan to outlive them. My friends are mostly my age or older. Cash-equivalents are easy, since I could just leave them to a charity, but I have no idea what to write in a will in terms of where my stuff should go someday. A lot of it is stuff that “the right person” would want but with less general value (for example, I have a lot of 80s/90s retro computing and game console stuff, and a large collection of filk recordings). I mean, I’ll be dead so it won’t be my problem, but it would be nice to have that stuff end up appreciated by someone rather than in a landfill if that appreciator exists. My vague ideas for lists of “people to ask if they want it” are mostly people I know through hobbies but am not close friends with, and are also mostly my age or older. (Presumably as I get older I will stop being on the younger end of the age band for my hobbies.)

    So…how do I write a will for that, particularly since it’s unlikely it’ll be needed for decades and I’d prefer not to have to constantly update it as my “heirs” die off or leave the hobby?

    1. MJ*

      Have your will state that your executor can determine the disposition but keep a “who might be interested” list with the will, which can be updated periodically without having to update the actual will?

      Obviously check the wording on this with a legal advisor so you don’t cause headaches for your executor!

    2. blue giraffe*

      given your scenario, I think that you have to make peace with your stuff essentially being trashed. The question is mostly: who is the executor? Then inform them to have an estate sale, anything of real value will be sold, and the rest trashed. Unless your piano is somehow special, it’s not worth real money. (at least where I live there are new free pianos every week on Craigslist).

      1. Eff Walsingham*

        That’s kind of offensive IMO. Stuff will not likely be “trashed” if you do the research beforehand and stipulate that it be donated to a particular museum, school, lab, library, hobby group, etc. A lot of things get discarded because grieving relatives don’t have the first idea who might want things, and how to do the legwork. If you make the arrangements in advance and in writing, it makes it easier for your wishes to be honoured. “Please give my model trains to the North Isherwood Model Railway Society” or “The Beverly Hills Snake Museum has agreed to accept all the boxes in the garage marked ‘reptile papers'”, or even “Bev Smith gets first crack at my paperbacks” could all be helpful. My Mum left lots of notes for us to follow. That was the easy part.

        One of my relatives did some genealogy stuff, and had a bunch of papers that a local church historical society was interested in. But we probably wouldn’t have thought of that if it wasn’t already written down.

        1. eh*

          It’s not harsh. 99% of stuff is trash to most other people, even if you treasure it. Second hand shops can’t get rid of a lot of the heirlooms that younger generations don’t want and wouldn’t take more anymore. The reality is the things we collect only have value or meaning because we give it to them. If we die without anyone to pass it on to, it gets trashed.

          1. BRR*

            I agree it’s not harsh. it sounds like a lot of the items are of low market value and would take a fair amount of effort to find the right buyer. I’d reach out to an attorney to draft one up.

          2. Eff Walsingham*

            I guess what I’m disputing is the idea that those of us who are childfree, and who have no relatives who we wish to have benefit from our deaths, have ‘no one’ to pass things on to. I don’t mean to sound touchy, but I don’t think these circumstances make me some pariah who no one has any sentimental fondness for. And of the estates I’ve been handling, no one has been living in a rental or assisted living situation, nor has a dumpster been involved. These people all had houses and friends who are their chosen family, who’ve expressed gratitude for their record collection or pieces of old furniture or whatever, that reminds them of their old friend. I’m a little shocked by these comments talking about anything without a resale value being junk. Although it is reinforcing my decision regarding the relatives to whom I’m not leaving anything! Since they have no sentimental attachment to give value to anything else I might leave them, the cat charities are getting the damn real estate!

            1. eh*

              I’m child free and I just recognize that while I have some things my friends will want, by the time I die, most of what I have won’t be worth it. I don’t just mean monetarily – I mean sentimentally. I love my books and my dvds and my music collection but its curated to my tastes. Some of it will be kept, some donated.

              Furniture etc is only worth keeping if you have the room and frankly, most people don’t have the room for it anymore. Plus people have their own furniture and their own collections – if my friends want my stuff great! But I don’t attach a judgement or hurt feelings to them not wanting it when I die. They’ll always have memories of me, they don’t need physical objects.

              1. Falling Diphthong*

                “Worth it sentimentally” resonates with me. Even if you can say “If I died next week, I’d want my plants to go to Miriam and the piano to Charles” that may not be a reasonable disposition in 20 years.

            2. Ellis Bell*

              It doesn’t really have anything to do with your status and relationships – the market for most stuff at all really is just dwindling. When I downsized my house twenty years ago the charity shops and organisations I contacted for donation were extremely grateful. When we downsized my mother’s house last year they wanted to come out and check things over and they passed on pretty much all of it; this was good quality housewares (we only kept stuff aside for donating that was in mint condition), but they simply had so much of it already and no storage. If we hadn’t known someone in dire straits without any household stuff, we would have had to tip it.

          3. Falling Diphthong*

            The comic Arlo and Janis just reran a nice bit on this with heirloom china. Janis had fond memories of gazing at it in a cabinet at her grandmother’s when she was a little girl–but when she inherited it she had her own more practical stuff and so it stayed in a box in the attic. Her son had no memories of it and was not excited at the thought of more dishes, but fiddly ones that you have to hand wash, and the second hand store said “Ha ha!”

        2. fposte*

          I don’t know; I think it’s realistic, based on the disposals I’ve been part of, to anticipate stuff getting thrown away. A dumpster, or trips to a dumpster, tends to be a key element of clearing things out. If the person was in any kind of assisted living there’s usually a very tight deadline on getting their stuff out, and even in an apartment there’ll be rent having to be covered and a lease end coming up. And doing it for a parent is very different from doing it for a friend, or for a client. There’s only so much upending of a life you can ask a friend to do, and only so much a bank trustee *will* do.

          I agree with you that it’s good to make arrangements in advance, especially because that helps confirm the legatee actually wants the thing (libraries really don’t want those treasured runs of National Geographic magazine); I’d encourage even further to say that the more you can actually transfer pre-passing the better. If the theoretical reptile papers are in a box in the garage, they’re probably not in high personal demand, so send ’em over to the museum now.

        3. Cookie*

          OP would want to make sure now that their society, museum, hobby group etc. truly can accpet those items. Often a group or nonprofit gets a donation that they can’t use and don’t want, and then it’s on them to get rid of it.

    3. Eff Walsingham*

      My experience comes from being the youngest in many of my family streams, and also childfree, although married. My family has been contracting lately through age and natural causes, so things like wills have been at the front of our minds.

      To my understanding, the most important question is, Who is your executor? Because the right person, with appropriate written guidance from you, can make nitty-gritty decisions about “stuff” when the time comes. In the event that I predecease my husband, I am designating a particular friend with good business sense to be my executor. She, like me, has experience; and my husband is more a “sign here” kind of guy when it comes to business. (Plus, I imagine him being terribly distraught if it came to that! Plus, we might be in a horrific accident together and go at the same time.)

      An estate lawyer can ask the right questions to get you thinking along the necessary lines. Their firm should then check in with you every X number of years to make sure you’re still cool with what you’ve set up, or make a meeting to redo it if something changes in your life that affects it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The right person, with appropriate written guidance from you, can make nitty-gritty decisions about “stuff” when the time comes.
        This is the way to go with the non-house items. (For example, even if your friend Charles would appreciate a piano now, in 17 years he might have his own piano. Or live in a spot too small for another piano.)

    4. Girasol*

      We provided for a good bit for the executor, since it’s hard work and sometimes spendy to settle an estate. The rest is headed for a couple of charities.

    5. No smart name ideas*

      A will isn’t about cleaning out a house—it’s about giving assets (things of value and cash) to people/organizations. Your will can instruct your executor to 1. sell the contents of the house, 2. access your accounts to pay taxes/utilities until the house sells, and 3. sell the house.

      The financial assets your estate has after this is done can then be distributed to family, friends, or charities.

    6. fposte*

      A will isn’t a one-off. It keeps getting updated as circumstances, friends, and likely heirs change. You can also have a separate document that acts as a suggestion rather than a legal requirement about possibilities for rehoming items; just make sure it’s accessible to anybody who’s going to be on the front lines.

      I personally would limit the “people to ask if they want it” category. That’s a lot of work and a lot of time to pursue. The more you can group and limit the better–like “Ask the Star Trek Enterprise Facebook Group if they want my filk recordings (stored in the red office shelves); first come gets them all, and if no response within a week it can go with the rest of the estate.” And make sure the physical items are grouped together and labeled.

      Otherwise I’m a big fan of the estate sale approach; let pros come in, decide what will sell both high and low, take a portion of the sales income, and junk the rest of the items.

    7. Gnome*

      If you don’t have an obvious choice of who to leave it to (and you can put in stuff like Mom and Dad, or if they aren’t still kicking, cousin Betty…. But in legal terms of course!), Pick whomever you want. Or, and organisation. You pick some lucky person to handle your estate (make sure the lights stay on, sell the house, whatever) and the funds get sent to Lucky Organization. Some charity will thank you!

    8. Dancing Otter*

      Having been executor for three estates, two where there was a delay locating the wills (spouses died close in time), I have to say the most important things are A) actually having a will; B) making sure the executor knows where to find it; and C) having a list of accounts and access information. We almost missed a retirement account in five figures, a significant portion of one estate.
      If you want to have a separate letter of instructions, rather than putting all the detailed assets in the actual will, keep it with the will, for G- -‘s sake. I shared out my mother’s good diamonds before I found the letter, and of course I couldn’t ask for them back. The unabridged dictionary was a stupid place to put it, BTW, but on a par with hiding the wills in the drawer with the winter underwear.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Other people have given advice about your personal possessions. In terms of the money in your estate, if you don’t feel close to your relatives, do consider your friends who are the same age as you or older. You probably won’t outlive all of them, and as they age they likely could use some extra money to help them with things like taxis instead of public transport, or meal deliveries.

      An estate plan should be revisited occasionally, so you can change the beneficiaries as circumstances change. But a good document will also consider reasonable contingencies and plan for them.

    10. RagingADHD*

      If the executor can’t find friends who want the collectibles or things that the right person would appreciate, an estate-sale company is the way to go. IME, they tend to have a very good eye for items that will bring in special-interest collectors, and know where to advertise them.

    11. ghost_cat*

      My spouse and I don’t have children and what family we have, are well, difficult. So apart from leaving to my spouse in the first instance, I have left to charity. I’ve chosen those charities close to my heart, but also those which offer a longer-term impact, so I can feel that I’ve made some difference. For instance, I am in Australia, We have an animal here, the Tasmanian Devil, that is at risk from a facial tumour. I have left money to a ‘Devil Ark’ as they call themselves, which is a charity that has set up a facial tumour free colony that will allow the species not to become extinct. Similarly, donating to funding for a historical building or project, or other animal welfare project, brings me joy. The executor of my will said that they can do wording that a similar project will be funded should my project of choice not be functioning at the time. I also have a popular auction house in my state, which I have left instructions for my household assets to go to for sale where I know my very much loved rugs and other travel curios will find homes with people who find the same joy in them that I do, far more than my family ever would.

    12. Morning reader*

      I suggest consulting a lawyer. In my state, a will can refer to a “tangible property list” attached, with instructions of how to distribute your personal property list. You can keep the list updated however often you like, without changing the substance of the will. Old desk goes to cousin Jane, music collection to friend Fred, etc.
      I recommend keeping your list of account numbers, passwords and so on, somewhere your executor can find it easily. This can be useful even if whatever kills has you incapacitated for some time first. It’s great to have someone making sure your bills get paid so your credit rating doesn’t tank while you’re in the hospital. You might actually survive!
      AARP has some good workbooks for “getting your affairs in order.” The one I’m thinking of has “checklist” in the title and consists of blank forms to fill out.

    13. Oysters and Gender Freedoms*

      I think you should be mindful of how much work this could be for your executor. Unless your proposed legatees are local, it will be a lot of work to identify them, get their addresses, get them photos of what is available, and ship it to them. Even if they are local, dealing with all of them will be difficult. If keeping the list updated seems daunting, actually acting on the list will be even harder for someone coming in new, without any connection to the people or the hobby. And your actual executor will have their hands full finding your assets, paying off your debts, and putting your house on the market.

      One suggestion would be to keep a list (outside the will as others have said) of the key touch point for each hobby — for example, a shop or meetup group for local contacts, a URL with your handle (and password if you are comfortable) for online groups. Then the executor can contact the organizer of the group and ask them to find a contact person who is willing to help distribute your stuff. They can start by notifying the group that you are dead, and then see who responds and how to get an idea of who might be a trustworthy agent. Then the executor is only on the hook for an initial contact, and coordinating with that person to get access to the stuff relevant to your hobby.

      Be aware that even then, it might not get all distributed. Settling an estate is a lot of work, and some things will drop off the end. After your executor has had to go in person with a death certificate to disconnect your cell phone and tracked down the car you gave away three years ago that never got transferred, they may not have the energy to distribute stuff with no legal or financial implications.

      1. Eff Walsingham*

        We have had this happen twice in my photography group. It’s an expensive hobby, and even the ‘vintage’ gear can go for significant bucks. Usually I believe the executor has been given the contact info of a friend in the group, who points them to the current executive, and a message to all goes out. Something like, “Some of you will have fond memories of excursions with Betty Smith (member from 19xx to 20xx) before her last battle with illness.” And a link to a list or mini-‘catalog’ of items, depending on how tech-savvy the group volunteer is. An auction ensues.

        My understanding is that this may be a better money maker for the estate because there may be sentimental associations with specific items. And, unless you want to wait for the big swap meet in April, or know where all those buyers hang out online (and some of us don’t!), it would be more work otherwise to track down a similar group of enthusiasts. Like me… I never even met “Betty” and I don’t consider myself to be in the market for more gear generally. But it was gear from a trusted source for a fair price, so I did treat myself to a few bits and pieces.

  56. AnonForThisPost*

    After 3 years of aggressively saving (and swallowing my pride as a 30-something still living with my parents), I now have enough money for a 20% down payment on a house!

    However, I still don’t know where I want to live (closer to my new job since I do like coming into the office or living farther away for cheaper housing & taking advantage of my job’s teleworking opportunities?) Even though I have enough money now to purchase a home, does it make sense to rent in a few different places to see what I like? My main concern is that the money spent on rent could be used to beef up my saving.

    What have you all done?

    1. Hello sunshine*

      As someone who bought right before the 2008 debacle, don’t buy right now. Make a pro on list of different possibilities and rent in that area. That will give a chance to make sure it’s what you want for a long term.
      A year will probably have an impact on property prices in your favor based on projections and the beginnings of a drop (depending on the area).
      Then when you are ready to buy make sure that resale value is a factor. Buy a house that is easy to resell.
      And congrats on being in a place to buy!

    2. Eff Walsingham*

      Just make sure you physically do any commute you’re thinking about investing in! Everything you will hear from the realtors on this topic will be LIES! Also, how will you get groceries? What internet and other utility providers service the area?

      I don’t think you necessarily need to rent there first, but do try to experience the neighbourhood at all hours, when schools are in vs., out, any other applicable variables. I ended up buying 6 blocks from my last rental, though, because I did like the neighbourhood.

    3. Sunflower*

      How wide of a net are you casting when it comes to location? Do you know if you want to be in an urban or suburban area (with the suburbs, do you want to be in a downtown, suburb or very remote type area?) How different of commute time are you talking? How far will you be from other places you regularly go (family/friends)?

      I would suggest spending a day in a few of the areas you’re looking at. Maybe AirBnb a place there for a week if you feel drawn to it but want to be sure. Figure out how far your regular activities would be. I also assume depending on neighborhood and school district, the space and kind of house you can afford will vary. I am wanting to buy in Philadelphia. I’ve lived in a few neighborhoods in Center City but know which ones I wouldn’t want to be in just by walking around outside. You’ll need to decide what you value. I am single and don’t plan on having kids- I also love being close by to things so I’m pretty clear on wanting to live in a more centrally located neighborhood in a smaller space.

      I wouldn’t rent for the sole purpose of getting a feel for different neighborhoods but if now isn’t a good time to buy in the area, I wouldn’t refuse to rent just to continue saving money (if you want to move out!)

    4. Cheezmouser*

      Congrats on hitting your savings goal! (And ‘eff what other people think about 30-somethings who live with their parents. You’ll be the one laughing when they complain about how it’s impossible to save up for a car or house. Ask me how I know.)

      Agree with what others above are saying: just because you can buy right now doesn’t mean you need to find something right away. Take your time, see which direction housing prices are heading, and explore different neighborhoods. You can do that without renting there. Buy for the long-term (i.e. think about where you want to be not just for the next 1-2 years, but in 10 years). Sometimes the answer is not to buy a house at all, because maybe your dream is actually to move to another city or country. Take time to reflect on what you want and where your life is heading.

      Also, by living with your parents, you are taking away the time pressure of “I need to find a house within the next 6 months or else I’m just wasting money on rent.” I lived at home with my parents while house hunting and took 13 months to find something. Not only did I not feel pressured to settle for a house that was just okay, I got to save for an extra 13 months. This is the last time in your life you’ll be able to live somewhere without rent or mortgage payments, so take advantage of it!

    5. Courageous cat*

      I mean, you probably won’t be at the same job forever. Why not just buy where *you* enjoy spending time, provided it’s within a reasonable driving distance?

    7. Emma*

      Have you ever lived away from your parents? If not, I’d definitely recommend renting first. It can help you be more aware of in what you value in a house. Your experience of living in your own spot (and what you like/dislike) may be different than you’re imagining.

  57. slowingaging*

    I bought a large jar of sun dried tomatoes in oil. I have no idea what to do with it. I am no sure why I bought it. I don’t want to make a tomato sauce. Help, suggestions?

    1. Missb*

      I use them on pizzas.

      Budget bytes has a great one pot pasta dish with sun dried tomatoes. It’s called one pot creamy sun dried tomato pasta. You can toss in some cooked and crumbled bacon, spinach, fresh basil, whatever.

      I drain some of the oil from the jar of tomatoes to use in the first step of sautéing the garlic.

    2. fposte*

      You can just use them as is (though chopping them somewhat is probably helpful) in salads, on sandwiches, or on pasta. Put ’em on a cracker, bagel, rice cake, whatever your crispy nosh of choice is with a little cheese or alone.

    4. VegetarianRaccoon*

      Goes well with steamed spinach and feta, fill omelettes at breakfast, wraps for lunch! Or a wrap with scrambled eggs for brunch. Also a good combo if you make your own pizzas/calzones.

    5. Slinky*

      I’ve made a great Tuscan salmon recipe (link to follow) that uses sun-dried tomatoes. If salmon isn’t your thing, you could use the sauce with your protein of choice.

    7. Cheezmouser*

      My favorite use of sun dried tomatoes: toss with linguine, pesto sauce (store bought is fine), black olives, and fresh mozzarella balls. Add cubed chicken breast if desired. It’s so good and so simple!

      1. allathian*

        Oh yum. I adore sun dried tomatoes, and I’d no doubt be eating them straight out of the jar…

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      The tomatoes in pasta, or chopped with feta and olives into a sandwich spread.

      The tomato-infused oil for any cooking where the tomato hit would be a feature.

    9. Jessica*

      If you mince them up somehow, they can be the ingredient that elevates a grilled cheese sandwich from Normal Good to Sublime Delicious.

    11. The OG Sleepless*

      I make “Greek pasta.” Medium pasta like penne or ziti, sun dried tomatoes, spinach, feta cheese, and rotisserie chicken.

  58. the broiled cook*

    What is your best cooking tip? I’m not a beginner, I’d say I’m a competent basic level cook but am looking for ways to level up. Help me become a more skilled, more advanced cook!

    1. fposte*

      Do you know what you’re trying to achieve that you’re not doing now? My personal tip would be to cook to your strengths and minimize the burden on your weaknesses–like if you’re a happy chopper but an anxious roaster, become the stir-fry deity, or specialize in salads. You don’t have to advance in every area of cuisine. Focus on a region or kind of cooking you find most enjoyable and rewarding. Feel free to use shortcuts where they make things less stressful for you and save your energy for the areas where you personally feel the time is rewarded, whether it’s rolling out fresh pasta by hand or making your own milkshake in the blender.

    2. Slinky*

      Take your time. Often, when we’re learning to cook (I’d say even at a medium level), we tend to do things too quickly. Take the time to let your pans get hot enough. Let the first side caramelize before you turn it. Let the veggies brown before you stir them. As cooks, we can often be so afraid of burning something, we don’t let it cook look enough to develop flavor.

    3. Cheezmouser*

      My top tips:

      1. Go simple! There are tons of delicious recipes that you can make with a few high-quality ingredients. You don’t need to make a souffle, sometimes the best thing is just some chicken with a good spice rub.
      2. Speaking of spices, learn a few solid spice combos and then go nuts. One example: ground turmeric + ground cumin + ground coriander. Toss any sweet/starchy vegetable with olive oil and this spice combo and roast in the oven until tender. Works great with sweet potatoes, carrots, winter squash, butternut squash, etc.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I have had some good luck with limited ingredient cookbooks from the library–I will recommend Perfect Plates in 5 Ingredients by John Whaite, who won GBBO. There’s a lot to be said for sausage + broccoli rabe + grapes.

    4. Hello sunshine*

      Find trustworthy recipe sources.
      My faves are americas test kitchen, skinny taste (except for the name), nyt.

    5. Wilde*

      This one comes from my husband and he’s starting to get a reputation for it.

      When cooking a recipe that requires sautéing onions, the tiniest sprinkle of baking soda speeds the process up so much.

      He loves a curry that starts by cooking down three onions but I do not have time for that (SAHM cooking during nap time) and this works a treat.

    6. kina lillet*

      Cook food you like and become interested in how it works—that’s the best way to go! If you like watching, there’s a ton of youtube out there, but despite being quite dated now, Good Eats is an excellent resource for learning this. Books like Kenji Lopez Alt’s The Food Lab is wonderful, or if you pick up some back issues of Cook’s Illustrated.

      Or, make food, taste it, and observe what happened! An Everlasting Meal by Tamar Adler is a really beautiful book about this flexible and joyous style of cooking.

      But 2 actual cooking tips: first, use as much oil/butter as the recipe says! It tastes really good. Second, it’s hard to tell what heat a recipe means when it says medium or high or whatever; this is what the cooking times are really helpful for, you can try to modulate the stove to target that cooking time.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Do not add the minced garlic at the same time as the diced onions; the garlic will burn before the onions cook. Put the minced garlic in late.

      You can cook chicken skin like bacon. Remove chicken skin, season with lots of salt and pepper, and fry in a pan–a cold pan works well here to start since you get complete contact between skin and pan to start out. I use this when making a “brown chicken thighs, then slowly simmer in sauce” recipe. You can add the bits of crispy chicken skin at the table according to taste. Much better than frying the skin until crisp and then boiling it until flabby again.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Don’t be afraid to experiment with the convection setting on your oven! I’ve been cooking about 20 years, but only recently attempted convection roasting. I was shocked at how much faster it cooked, and still stayed juicy. My oven automatically picks a lower temperature when I choose convection, but ymmv.
      Some expensive items are worth it. Some aren’t. A good digital thermometer has saved many dinners for me. I have a favorite brand of fancy olive oil that I only use for salads. My best nonstick pan is a heavy-duty one I got for 15 bucks at the supermarket, but the cheap wooden spoons I got are full of splinters. Boxed wine is great for cooking and lasts a long time.
      Use plastic or glass cutting boards for raw meat. Besides not absorbing the juices, they’re usually dishwasher safe!

    9. marvin the paranoid android*

      Learn to optimize recipes. I was forced into this because I used to edit recipes, but it increased my cooking success quite a lot. What I mean by this is, before you try a new recipe, give it a scan to see if it sounds like it suits your taste and will work. Do the proportions of the ingredients sound reasonable? Does the flavour balance look right? Have they accounted for how to cook all of the ingredients to bring out their best qualities? This really helps me weed out crappy recipes or figure out how to make improvements so they work. You’re basically stepping through the recipe in your mind’s eye and envisioning how it will turn out. One way to fine-tune this skill is to read through your favourite recipes to see what structural elements make them work so well.

    10. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Start like in culinary school: learn stocks, roux, and sauces first. Learn to make thickening bases, how to toast flour, how to make salad dressings and dips. Build from there.

  59. Prospect Gone Bad*

    Help! So I did one of those “peel and stick self adhesive floor panel” things years ago and it is still perfect and stuck to the floor. So I tried to take out the old not even sure what to call it – maybe a roll of vinyl flooring, that was cheap and nicked – in the kitchen. And then I started the peel and stick and oh crap, the wood under the floor is so ever slightly uneven. I can barely see it but it’s making it so one tile is a tad above the next. This is not going to work. It’s not going to stick and stuff could eventually get between it. Help! I need ideas.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Did you buy the product at a bricks-and-mortar store? If so, I’d ask there. Or go to your nearest home supply/renovation store and consult with them. My immediate thought would be an intermediate product that you can sandwich between the current floor and the new floor panels. I’m picturing something like a roll of transparent packing tape, but really huge. But I’ll bet the home supply store can help you.

  60. Liminality*

    My immediate mental image is one of those big disc-sander machines either to sand the uneven parts of the wood floor even, or to sand the whole thing as a precursor to refinishing the wood rather than using the stick on panels…

  61. Fiona*

    We just moved into a kind of dreamy apartment but there’s one unpleasant surprise – the people downstairs are definitely smokers and I can smell the faint scent of cigarettes in our apartment. Any advice from others who have been in this situation? I want to mask the smell but not put any sickly sweet artificial scents, etc, in our place. I looked up air purifiers but it seems they don’t necessarily have an effect on scent.

    1. kina lillet*

      An air purifier wouldn’t hurt—a HEPA one with a charcoal filter. If you can figure out where some of the airflow is coming from, eg the open window, create a draft going out that window and coming in from a fresher source (obv not always possible). Another possibility is that the smell has clung to your walls a bit, and the smell isn’t always the downstairs people’s active fault—worth a try to wash the bejesus out of those surfaces and see if it helps.

    2. Not A Manager*

      In addition to a HEPA filter, you can purchase an unscented odor eliminator at Home Depot or the like. They’re in the janitorial section. These don’t mask odors, they actually neutralize the odor molecules in way that I don’t understand. If you want a mild masking effect, try burning unscented beeswax candles.

    3. Just Me*

      Ozone generators are great at getting rid of smells-very good on cigarette smells, but you can’t run them while you or animals are there.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I used one of those $300 Whirlpool large capacity HEPA filter air purifiers. Not gonna lie; the fan is loud, but it made a big difference. I lived right next door to a pair of chain smokers and the smoke was SUFFOCATING. If the smell is faint I suspect it would make a difference for you.

    5. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Unless you are really super sensitive, there is probably SOMETHING scented that you like, if you just want to cover the bad smell up. Candles, candle melts, incense, potpourri, sprays, plug-ins, vinegar-of-the-four-thieves, essential oil diffusers, simmer pots. Sure, lots of them will smell awful to you, but you just have to find one you actually like.

    6. GraceC*

      Weed smoke from my neighbours/the road outside rather than tobacco smoke, in my case, but I found success with “chef’s candles” – the brand I see is Price’s, but I think there are other brands that focus on odour elimination rather than just smelling nice. Lightly scented but not in a sickly sweet way, and I think they do a good job of making the space smell generically “fresh” rather than flowers-with-undertones-of-tobacco

      Also work well with the aftermath of cooking fish, eggs etc!

    7. VegetarianRaccoon*

      Seconding wiping down walls and ceilings now and periodically, the charcoal air filter. Also try one of those enzyme based cleaners/odor eliminators for spraying the air. They eat the odor instead of masking it. May be marketed to pet owners.

      1. Eff Walsingham*

        I am glad to see these helpful suggestions, because when I was in a similar situation a couple of decades ago, I ended up having to move after 3 months. It was an annoying and stressful year! But I was a vendor of vintage clothing, and couldn’t have my stock smelling, and my landlords were trying to gaslight me, saying that there was no odour! (Hello, the downstairs neighbour’s windows were orange with unreleased nicotine!) Fortunately I had a friend who needed a roommate.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      If we’re discussing AAM dreams, I had one a fair bit ago where someone wrote in saying they’d asked for time off for their wedding at a small business, and the owner hit them with their car and broke their pelvic (LW said by accident) and then started making jokes about how they didn’t need time off for the wedding anymore since they couldn’t get married in a wheelchair.

      No, I don’t remember Alison’s answer, sadly.

  63. Mimmy*

    I didn’t want to hijack Grits McGee’s thread about shoes that are good for city walking, but I read through their thread and was wondering if any of brands mentioned offer smaller sizes.

    My feet are size 5 and narrow. Plus, my arch is SUPER high. It’s hard to find anything I like without having to go into the juniors’ section. I do wear orthotics for arch support, but I only use them in my sneakers (otherwise, I’d have to get multiple orthotics–cha-chiiing!).

    1. acmx*

      I wear a 5 and Allbirds has smaller sizes. However, you may need to try on different sizes. For me, I guess I have a wide foot maybe because I had to size up. I have a high arch, too and only use them when I run but the Tree Breezer’s sole is removable if you want to switch the orthotics to them.

  64. Flowers*

    Question to the Experienced Parents and former children old enough to remember those days so possible “other side” – things will get better right? We’re just in the deep thick of things and there is a light? Everything we are experiencing is “normal” and “universal” but it doesn’t feel any less awful. And Im not ignorant – I’ve been reading how horrible this season is going to be.

    Last night I slept on the couch with my 2yo on top of me bc this was the only way she could sleep. She’s been coughing for days and every.single.cough would have her waking up and crying. She’s been sick all week: pink eye then runny nose and now this miserable cough. And low grade fevers off and on. Dr dx her with parainfluenza and just recommended the usual Tylenol and Motrin for discomfort. There’s literally no cold or cough medicine for the under 4 crew.

    Going beyond that, She’s been sick pretty much every holiday since May and we’ve had 4-5 trips to the ER since June. Ear infections, bronchitis, rhinovirus. In September she literally only went to daycare for 3-4 days and was out sick the rest of the month (factoring in daycare closing, holiday, preplanned dr appt and a part time schedule). I was warned about this too.

    OH! And now hubby and I are both sick!!! I had sinus/allergy issues that turned into congestion and now I have an ear infection. I have never had an ear infection in recent memory (I can’t speak to when I was very young and no one around to verify that I can ask). Y’all I had covid in July and spent a day in the ER and I didn’t feel this awful physically.

    I’m not even gonna get into the work aspect bc this is the weekend post. and yes her dad is equally taking responsibility for her, and just as physically miserable as I am. So it’s not that I’m burdened with this all alone. But I feel like we’re both alone and there’s no getting outside help either – MIL is visiting while mom is away and this child will not go to either one. Both of them wish they could help with her but in the best times kiddo is attached to both of us; in the worst of times like right now she can only be consoled by mom or dad. I mean…I’ve spent months being optimistic and grateful that it’s “just a cold” or flu symptoms and nothing more serious and that I hear about. But I am just so sick of being sick.

    1. SuprisinglyADHD*

      As the former “kid who got sick at every holiday”: Yes, it gets better. Your kid’s immune system will improve over time, and so will her tolerance for discomfort. You will find products that work, both preventative and soothing. You will all get to sleep again.

    2. Hello sunshine*

      I feel like around 3-4 mine got a little more resilient. When they were younger it was so hard to kick the respiratory stuff. One always ended up needing steroids. But that was always after we’d been struggling for awhile. It’s really hard.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Yes it gets better. Whenever you are first around a lot of people it is normal to get sick as your immune system gets a workout. Start of daycare, start of school if you didn’t do daycare (or having at least two school-age siblings who bring home all the germs also works), start of college if you homeschooled on a remote maple syrup farm.

      2) Everyone got worn down by the pandemic, and I think we’re still not at a place where we feel okay asking for help and comfort because everyone has some stuff going on. It’s harder to face the bad dips if you don’t feel you can ask people for sympathy and extra rations of understanding.

      3) I recommend the fortress of pillows for sleeping somewhat elevated so you don’t wake up coughing. Or if you have a comfortable recliner, sleep in that with her–it will keep her head more elevated so phlegm can drain.

      1. KatEnigma*

        Literally I read an article yesterday saying the extra bad RSV this year is because of all the isolation and sanitizer not building up immune systems of kids during the pandemic.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I mean, that does sound like it’s on the awful side of normal, if it makes you feel any better. My mother made many trips to the ER with my brothers, but they were for broken bones and cuts and things the boys had swallowed. I don’t think any of them were for illness.

    5. KatEnigma*

      Are there any drop in daycare centers in your area? Even when we lived in BFE, there was one, whose hours ran until 11pm and they were licensed, bonded, etc.

      Currently, both our HOA and our son’s school (PK-12th) maintain a list of babysitters.

    6. blue giraffe*

      yep, it gets better. Also, try a very humid environment for coughs – like you rarely cough in the bath/shower due to the humidity. But, yeah, the immune system will learn to cope.

    7. My dog owns me!*

      It is awful, and it will get better. Is there anything else your family can help you with? You could try outsourcing food while getting every minute of downtime you can get. My experience was: I was zombie tired for years of little one’s illness, working and homemaking. That tiredness led to getting ill pretty often.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I’m so sorry! Yes, it’s miserable. Yes, it gets better.

      A spoonful of plain old regular honey will quiet a cough pretty well for a while in the 1yr-6yr set.

      Baby vapo rub with the pink lid is good on the back, too.

      1. Nack*

        Adding to possible remedies, we use a cough syrup called Zarbees, and we’ve also used Maty’s brand. Both came from CVS. They’re not medicated… maybe you’d call them herbal remedies? Anyway they’re safe from 1 year old and up!

    9. Generic Name*

      Yes, it gets better. I promise. My son is nearly 16, so a nearly fully formed adult human, and I was just reminiscing earlier today about how difficult the early years were. SO HARD. But he’s just great now, and I’m super proud of him. You will get through this.

    10. Belle*

      We found Zarbeea really good for helping with cough at that age. It is basically honey to coat the throat and help with itch. Also, you might try propping the end of the bed/crib so their head is elevated some. This used to help our little one with everything draining down throat.

      It does get better but I know RSV is terrible this year. If no improvement I would let your doctor know ASAP

    11. Eff Walsingham*

      I had all the (non-hospital) sick. Tonsillitis annually. Caught every cold. Had chicken pox 3 times! And yet even I eventually tapered off of perpetual illness. As an adult, I suspected my tendency to pick up colds was related to use of public transit, and I have been much healthier overall during covid protocols, what with most strangers not wanting to get so cozy. I’m hoping some of this increased hand washing is going to stick around, but I’m not holding my breath.

      We have 2 pairs of parents in our circle whose otherwise delightful offspring anecdotally did not seem to sleep at all for the first 2 to 3 years of life, sick or well! But by school age they had established the patterns that they were hoping for. Apparently a strong support system is key. Yes, let people bring you food! Let the grands tend to your child while you at least shower, even if no one can sleep or is happy! This is a marathon, not a sprint, etc. Take any opportunity for self-care. You are following the doctor’s instructions. You are not a bad parent because your child is unwell. One day you will sleep again.

  65. No Longer Fencer*

    For anyone with little to no village, who babysits your kids? We’re treating my parents for their milestone 40th anniversary at a fancy restaurant of their choice that discourages babies and kids. That’s what they want. All my friends moved away, the closest cousin has cancer and lives 15 hrs driving away. My nearby friends are all childfree and don’t do kids stuff and one couple is going through IVF. I asked a friend who gets along with my baby the best but she’s going through surgery a month before that and is childfree after a miscarriage years before. She saw my message and didn’t respond. Basically, no village. I’m going to my baby’s daycare and asking them if they know reliable babysitters. It’s literally that or Care.com but we’ve heard stories and baby is less than 8 months old and I want a trusted adult I’ve met before. MIL has severe psychiatric issues so definitely not her. No siblings except one that has a newborn and lives 8 hrs away.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Daycare is the right spot to start; you might also be able to post a paer there a la “Can anyone recommend a reliable local babysitter? No nearby family. Child-free event on November 18th that we need coverage for.”

      Possibly a daycare teacher will offer; possibly a parent has a regular sitter they can recommend. You just need an in to a group that can network you to someone who will work. (For example, twenty years ago we got local babysitters through our church. My catsitter is the much younger sibling of my 21 year old’s friends, and if she’s not available I am stymied as I’m no longer in a group of “parents of kids who live nearby and would like to earn a little cash and like cats.” This group exists, I’m just not in it since my own kids are now in their 20s.)

    2. Jessica*

      Do you live near a college? I don’t know if this is normal, but the one I work at has a thing where our HR office maintains a registry of college students who are available/seeking work in kid/elder/pet care.

      1. LemonLyman*

        Or if you’re by a college (including community college) reach out to the early childhood department. These are the people who are taking classes to be daycare and preschool teachers so they probably also babysit.

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Often a daycare worker will be willing to babysit (though I would pay them well)
      Do you have teen age neighbors? Another Mom with kids of a similar age where you can swap care?

    4. Not A Manager*

      Unless your childfree friends have explicitly said “never ask me to babysit,” I would try them. We’re talking about an evening, right, not overnight or a full weekend? Basically ask every adult local to you that you trust, in the hope that one of them might step up.

      Also, unless the daycare rules prohibit this, see if any of the teachers would be willing to babysit for an evening. You might need to ask them outside of the administration set-up, partly because this could be a gray area, and partly because the admin might not make a referral due to liability concerns. I’d start with the head classroom teacher and ask if they know of any of the teachers who would babysit for extra income.

      In the absolute worst-case scenario, could your spouse stay home with the baby? You would enjoy a childfree evening with your family, and in the future I’m sure Spouse will have something they value that they’ll be willing to attend on their own if necessary.

      1. LemonLyman*

        Agreed! I’m childfree but would happily babysit if I were asked by a friend or family member.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I am definitely not the go-to childfree friend who is dying to babysit, but this is a special occasion. If I knew about this scenario I’d be happy to come over and take care of the baby for an evening.

      2. Jessica*

        If the time of day/length of time/age and disposition of your child are such that the kid will probably be asleep the entire time and you mostly just need an adult to be present in case of emergency and make sure the child remains alive while you are out, include that in the pitch to your childless friends. You might have some who’ll be thinking “gosh, I’d like to help, but I have no idea how to feed a baby/change a diaper/give it a bath/do all the things, and am daunted by the prospect of suddenly having to learn them and try not to make any mistakes on my friend’s kid.”

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          All of this is true of me… I am very childfree (partly choice, partly medical) and people never seem to think of me in a childcare context, which is fine. But I actually used to babysit quite a bit as a teenager. So one baby for one night would really only produce anxiety because I wouldn’t want my friend to be anxious. Eight months is a good age, because they’re not generally swinging from the rafters yet! And I figure, since I managed to do diaper pins(!) without anybody getting stabbed, I could probably navigate any newfangled high tech baby stuff, given clear instructions.

          So I say, follow your gut and ask one-on-one, if there’s a friend you’d trust who isn’t absolutely anti-child. They may surprise you. And they ought to be flattered that you thought enough of them to ask, even if the answer is no.

    5. Generic Name*

      You could ask colleagues if they have teenagers who babysit. I agree that daycare is the place to start. One of my sons favorite teachers used to babysit for him as well. We also had a couple of different teenagers whose parents I knew through church.

    6. KatEnigma*

      Do you have any drop in daycare centers in your area? Even when we lived in BFE, there was one, whose hours ran until 11pm and they were licensed, bonded, etc.

      Currently, both our HOA and our son’s school (PK-12th) maintain a list of babysitters.

    7. Just here*

      Also, check out any local parents’ FB groups. The ones here often have posts from people looking for babysitters and getting replies. Good luck!

    8. RagingADHD*

      Neighbors, youth from our church, referrals from friends, and the local college has a job board where you can get matched with students who are looking for babysitting work.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I feel you on this. We do not live near family and have always been hesitant to hire sitters, but after a while, we realized that we just had to do it.
      If you are in the US and near a university or college maybe check out if QuadJobs.com operates in your area- it’s for college students to find odd jobs. People in the community can post jobs and you have to be a college student to reply. I’ve used them to find sitters before. (Our university used to have a jobs listserv, but recently switched to quadjobs.)
      Also- asking on my neighborhood listserv, parent’s listserv, and via NextDoor and asking other parents if they have older kids.
      I have also used care.com, and it was fine. We found a pediatric nursing student and while I wouldn’t hire her as a nanny, she was a perfectly acceptable evening sitter.

    10. Alex*

      When I worked at a daycare I definitely babysat for the kids sometimes in their homes in these situations. Also if you are chatty with any of the parents at the daycare you can ask them if they know any reliable babysitters.

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      No local family and our friends mostly had littles of their own and had their hands full. We hired daycare teachers and the daycare secretary/receptionist as our regular babysitters for a while and then moved on to local undergrads – we live near two small colleges. We asked friends on faculty to recommend someone to start with. We paid them well and let them use our washer and dryer plus we stocked snacks. Since we also had one adorable and reasonably tractable child, we were a Very Desirable Job and as they graduated they handed us off to their younger friends.

  66. Lcsa99*

    A little late so I may not get any response, but has anyone found a way to successfully control what they dream about? Or at least make their dreams less stressful? It’s hard to sleep when you know you’ll wake up more anxious than when you went to sleep.

    1. Squidhead*

      Sometimes I’ve been looking at pictures of happy events before bed and then dreamed about the people from those events? It’s a little odd, because I’m not in touch with the people anymore, but in general I am happy to see them in my dreams (just a little sad/let down when I wake up).

      I almost always read in bed (an actual book, no screens) because I tend to dream about work if work has been stressful. Even if I don’t have much time to sleep, reading until the book is falling out of my hands helps me not have repetitive dreams about work.

      There are some medications that are known to cause nightmares/vivid dreams and also some meds that help prevent them, so reviewing your meds (even over-the-counter stuff) with your doctor might be worth it. Being afraid to sleep is awful.

    2. Grey Panther*

      A half-hour or so of music just before bed, hearing music I like—classical pieces, rock tunes with past personal significance, easy jazz.
      It’s usually with lights out but I’m not in bed yet, just sitting, listening, no talking, watching the darkness outside and letting my mind go wherever the music sends me.
      Sounds silly, yeah, but … well, it always leads to pleasant dreams.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Your dreams are where you are processing/clearing out feelings from the day, so it will be more effective to work on reducing or active managing the stress in your life, or addressing anxiety, than to try to change the dreams directly.

      That stress has to go somewhere.

    5. Firebird*

      When I am woken by a nightmare or if I am under stress, I listen to humorous podcasts. A couple of the ones I like are Cabin Pressure and No Such Thing As A Fish.

    6. Jessica*

      I have no idea how to control it, but one thing I find useful is this. If you wake up from a bad dream, don’t think about it. I mean immediately, right then when you’ve just woken up. Don’t allow yourself to sort of review in your mind what happened in the dream, and don’t articulate it in your mind–I mean forming thoughts in words about what happened in the dream. Doing those things helps you remember the dream. Instead, distract yourself somehow and immediately start thinking about something else. Talk to yourself out loud about something else if you need to. The memory of the dream will dissipate faster if you don’t let your conscious mind get a grip on it, and then you might still feel lingering emotions and know you had a bad dream, but your mind won’t have the substance of it to chew on. I don’t know if this makes sense or will work for you, but it works for me.

    7. Odge*

      This may not be your situation but I’m mentioning it just in case – do you wake up uncomfortable? Is there any kind of purely physical signal your body is sending that your unconscious mind is processing into a bad dream? For me, I always have nightmares or stress dreams if I’m overheated in bed. If I’m at the correct temperature I almost never have them. I have to be careful about sleeping with too many blankets or having my home heating system kick on too fast in the morning! Otherwise, I agree with what other commenters said about general sleep hygiene and reducing stress/anxiety in waking life.

  67. Random Biter*

    After reading the thread about clever kitties (and hoping I’m not too late with this post) I’d like to expand it to cover *all* of our creative critters!

    While I’d love to have a Maine Coon I am sadly cat-less. Too many allergics in the family and my chonky girl, Phoenix, is a chaser.

    Phoenix is what people refer to as a pitbull (yeah, don’t get me started). She loves company and is certain everyone who comes in the front door is there to see her. Recently I’ve had to have a lot of plumbing work in the house (a whole ‘nother story). The plumbers are 2 to 4 20-somethings, a couple of whom have pitties of their own so they’re not afraid of her and encourage her jumping and begging. Phoenix got to be such a pest that I had to gate the top of my stairs to keep her from “helping” them in the basement. I had already ventured down when it got real quiet to find the plumber sitting on the edge of the toilet giving her chest skitches. Couldn’t figure out how she was getting down the stairs even when the gate was closed until I caught her using her nails to hook around the latch and pull it open. I swear if this dog had opposable thumbs she’d rule the world.

    1. Grey Panther*

      I love Phoenix! And totally agree about opposable thumbs—I’m always grateful/relieved that my critters don’t have them.
      I enjoyed reading your post, and have to say: some of the sweetest dogs I’ve ever met have been pit breeds.

      1. Random Biter*

        Thank you. Phoenix is my second rescue pittie, my daughter has two. Sadly we live in a world where if it bleeds it leads and the ‘net has given this type of “news” the ability to flash around the world in an instant. You’d think no other dog has ever hurt anyone and no one bothers to look at the other end of the leash. My first girl, Abby, loved company, too. Especially little ones as the cookie or chip they’d be holding could gently be stolen from them.

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