{ 914 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder that comments on the weekend open thread should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or an update or two on things you received advice about in the past are also fine. But no venting without a desire for advice and no “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts. I’ve removed a few posts below that broke this rule.

    https://www.askamanager.org/weekend-open-thread-rules

  2. new year's grinch*

    I’m supposed to be hosting a group of friends for new years eve tomorrow night and I so much wish I didn’t have to! I don’t want to cook or clean and I’m exhausted by a rough few weeks. I wish my husband and I could just stay in with no guests and have a quiet evening. I know I can’t cancel, it’s NYE after all but….I am so not in a place to socialize. My husband will do more than his share of the work but I can’t ask him to do all of it. Also, we all masked for 2 weeks beforehand so we can eat and drink together indoors (a couple of us have high risk relatives) which is an extra reason I can’t cancel but I reallllllly want to.

    1. new year's grinch*

      I forgot to include the question. Which I guess is, how do I rally and get over my severe lack of motivation?

      1. Is it 2023, yet?*

        When I feel like this, I often just commit to doing 1 small thing – say throw all the dirty clothes from the living room into the laundry room. Ok done. Then I’ll commit to doing something else small, like cut up oranges for appetizers.

        Often as I accomplish more “small tasks”, it gives me motivation to do other small tasks, because when I think of Doing the Whole Thing, I just shut down. I do small jobs until I feel like I need a break. And I outsource anything I can – ordering food, cleaning, etc.

        I also remind myself that when I feel this way, that AFTER the party/night out/etc, I am often happy to have been around my people. So I remind myself I’ll most likely be glad I did it after it’s over.

        Happy New Year’s and good luck!!!

        1. KatEnigma*

          I do something similar. Every time I get up from my chair, I do something along the way. So I pick up a few things to throw away on the way to the bathroom, or unload the dishwasher when I go to get a drink of water. Until everything is picked up and cleaned.

          I always make the food simple when I host.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I like Laurie Colwin’s advice for food; make three or so really good things in larger quantities rather than lots of fussy small things.

      2. Mercenary*

        Take three breaths in a row where you’re paying attention to what you are actually feeling in your body.

        When you get so stressed, you can disconnect/numb to avoid the feelings you’re having.

        Giving them space and holding them lovingly can create extra capacity in your nervous system.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Whenever I feel like that, I always wind up glad afterward because being with friends does me good, and once the work is over I can relax and enjoy it. Maybe you can look forward to *having done it,* even if you don’t look forward to doing it.

    3. The teapots are on fire*

      Do less. Whatever you normally do for parties, pare it to the bone.

      Hide the mess in another room, and order premade food from the deli section of a nice grocery store. Wipe the filth off the toilet and call it good. Put a candle in there for fancy.

      2. Sloanicota*

        This! People want to gather and have time together, but they don’t need a tour of your house or for everything to be spotless. Clear a section of the dining room to play board games in. Buy pre-made food. Also can you ask the guests to bring more things (food, drinks)? Or, if you’re truly not feeling it, any chance you can relocate the party last-minute? Some of my friends would be just as happy to host at theirs, or maybe go out if that was an option. They just want to get together.

      3. Tib*

        They’re also there to see you, not your home. You may even make them feel more comfortable by showing a less than perfect home. Maybe you’ll start a trend.

      4. warm fuzzies*

        “Put a candle in there for fancy.” Love it!

        Most people will love you despite your place not looking like it’s out of Martha Stewart Living. The ones going over your place with white gloves tend not to be invited back.

      5. Mztery1*

        It’s already over, but I have learned that something like this happens and I really really really don’t want to do it. It’s really OK to cancel. If they are friends, they will understand.

    4. Just me*

      Pre-made snack platters from the grocery store. Sparkling wine (such as Cava) and a selection of sparkling water.

      Pile all the stuff (that you don’t have time or energy to deal with) in the closet.

    5. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      For me one of the specific stresses of NYE is the expectation of it going ALL NIGHT. Can you change the time frame at all? For instance 10:00-12:30 instead of 9:00-1:00? Maybe paring down would help motivate you. Prep as much as you possibly can early in the day then take a nap/rest until the time. Have “enough” ready of party things like food, music, decor, games? But not THE MOST BEST EVER!

      1. Alison and Peter Faid*

        Our friends are planning to celebrate New Years in Manitoba time. They’re in Victoria, so that’s 10 pm their time. They’re seniors.

        1. Felis alwayshungryis*

          That’s smart! Doesn’t work so well in NZ because our part of the world is the first to hit midnight. Sigh.

      2. the cat's ass*

        I’m in CA and we (especially when the kids were little) would do a East Coast Time NYE, so folks were out the door by 9 pm. Prefect!

        2. California Dreamin’*

          We also did this when the kids were little, complete with noisemakers and all at 9:00 while watching the Times Square ball drop. This year I have a teenager who’s hanging at her boyfriend’s house until midnight but not old enough to drive yet, so I have to keep myself awake and then go pick her up. Sigh.

        3. justmehere*

          My friends put out cocktail beverage novelty napkins that said Please leave by 9pm. They were funny and meant to be a joke because my friend is a known early to bed, early riser runner, but it did kind of set the tone that it wasn’t going to be a late night!!

    6. Cookie Monster*

      Don’t be afraid to delegate! Assign what to bring to your friends. Since it’s usually appetizers and drinks, feel free to be specific: someone brings a dip(s), someone else brings cold apps, someone else brings hot apps, someone brings wine, someone else brings beer, someone brings a non-alcoholic option, etc.

      Also, your place doesn’t have to be spotless. Just tidy up, clean the bathroom, wipe down the kitchen counters and you’re all set.

    7. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I’m sorry your batteries got tapped out by a crappy December. All I can add is that it’s okay for you to be done, both with work and with being around people. The one thing I’d add to everyone else’s good ideas is that you give yourself permission to say you’ve had enough. Enjoy your friends, but admit to them that you’re overtaxed and might not last the whole night. Tag out and watch a movie after dinner. Take breaks. The nice thing about true friends is that they don’t expect you to be “on” all the time.

    8. Aphrodite*

      I think the source of your stress lies more in the preparation you think necessary and less in the actual party itself so I am wondering if you’d be comfortable doing no cooking and no cleaning. Unless you live in a pigsty, your home is as good for your guests as it is for yourself. Go to Trader Joe’s and buy some of their appetizers; they are good and all you’ll need to do is heat them.

      Or … cancel it. I don’t know why you feel you can’t. You can, even at this late moment. If these are good people they may be disappointed but they’ll understand.

      1. Elf on the Shelf*

        I lived this advice this year! Recovering from injuries, minimal clean-up prep, got out the ornaments and tree, supplied some seasonal fabric to drape over any messes we didn’t want to look at, pointed at things to decorate, cooked a simple side or two to go with potluck entree and TJ’s appetizers, turned around, and voila! a tree, a swag or two, delicious simple but festive fare, and good company. They were already on notice that the invitation included clean-up so I wasn’t left with too many dishes for my gimpy self to handle.

        1. Jackalope*

          Yes, this. Minimal cleaning is likely okay, along with a possible side of throwing a bunch of stuff in the closet or a spare room. (If things are truly an awful mess then just focus on the one or two rooms people will be in.) Make it a potluck if you can. Get premade stuff for whatever is an option. Rotisserie chicken, deli salads, premade desserts…. Whatever would work for you. Then just enjoy everyone being there. Or if the hosting is really stressing you out but you still want to see people, see if someone else can host. I know it’s pretty last-minute so that might not be an option, but you can certainly try.

        2. KatEnigma*

          Yep. I had to cancel Christmas dinner with the inlaws at my house. I told them the 23rd- my husband ended up having gall bladder surgery on the morning of the 24th. I still MADE dinner, and I guess they could have all come anyway, as he was released the morning of the 25th (and sat at the table for dinner- eating around any fat) but I just couldn’t face it. My parents were staying with us, or I’d have kicked them out too (and were NO HELP!!!)

    9. Katiekins*

      Guess what? You CAN cancel. (And maybe, by deciding you don’t have to have guests, you will find that you want to have guests. Or not! Either way is okay!)

      I’ve also heard the saying “If you can’t get out of it, get into it,” and I find that can be helpful. What do you like about prep? What do you like about parties? Focus on amplifying those parts.

    10. Anono-me*

      Seconding all the advice to outsource every thing you can. And keep your cleaning expectations practical. Now is not the time to clean behind the fridge.

      But I think you should tell your husband how you are feeling. Maybe he can handle more than you are planning on asking him to take on. Yes, a good marriage is 50/50; but that doesn’t mean it is 50/50 each day. Some days it is 60/40 and some days it is 80/20 and hopefully at the end of a decade or seven, it averages out to 50/50.

    11. Empress Ki*

      Is leaving all (or most of) the work to your husband really not an option ? Then you can take turns and do everything another time when you’ll feel more energetic.

    12. Grey Panther*

      Was thinking about you this morning (Jan. 1), new year’s grinch, and hoping your New Year’s Eve went better than you’d feared.

      Happy new year anyway—and at least NYE can be off your radar for another twelve months!

  3. RLC*

    That cat has amazing focus! (Ours only stare like that if there is a bird clinging to the window screen.)

    1. Keyboard Cowboy*

      I was just thinking looking at this picture that she looks like she’s trying really hard to fire all 3 brain cells at the same time… Maybe I’m biased as the minder of 3 dogs, none too bright?

      1. Atomic Tangerine*

        OMG this is probably the best cat picture of the year. The cozy fire in the background, the beautiful cat, that crazed expression!

      2. ICodeForFood*

        Yes! The AAM cat calendar! December could be one of Allison’s cats with Hannukah balls. Another month could be the cats with a llama… I’m sure there’s 12 months’ worth of recognizable ‘in jokes’ for a calendar…

        1. Rosyglasses*

          Cheap ass rolls and “quack” would likely make an appearance! And then randomly there will be a date where a note is left “I expect a response by Wednesday”! :)

        3. Pennyworth*

          I would love a cat calendar with matching quotes from AAM commentariat. Has anyone been collecting the gems from the comments?

    2. Longing for a Cat*

      Want.To.Cuddle!!!
      Cat, fireplace, just add hot chocolate and a good book and I would be content for the est of the year…and into the next!

  5. Happy Happy Joy Joy*

    Anyone have recs for positive/refreshing activities to do home solo for NYE? I’m staying in solo for NYE and I have a few ideas – order dinner, watch non-cheesy uplifting movies (500 Days of Summer is #1- looking for more suggestions!), take a relaxing bath. I guess I’ll do some ‘intention setting’ and reflection on accomplishments and growths over the past year. Is there anything you’ve done before year’s end that made you feel happy or uplifted and excited for the next year? I want to go to sleep with a smile on my face :)

    1. Keyboard Cowboy*

      If you like cooking, try cooking something really complicated, just for yourself! I’ve had a great time doing that while my partner was out and about a few weekends in December. Pick something that takes all day (not all day of active effort, but coming back to do bits and pieces throughout the day), or multiple steps (like roasting a thing, then cutting it up and putting it something else), or multiple components. Take a lot of pictures and brag to your friends! I love doing this.

      2. zaracat*

        Settling down to watch Escape to the Chateau and dream of all the things I’m going to do to my new house in the coming year. I’m going to garlic myself instead oblivion with garlic prawns made with lashings of butter and a little dash of pernod, and garlic bread on the side. Fancy non-alcoholic cocktails so I don’t have a hangover tomorrow. And I have a packet of sparklers as a token gesture towards NYE fireworks. Hope you have a great night and go into tomorrow smiling!

        1. Clisby*

          I enjoyed it, too, but liked Knives Out (the first movie with Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc) even better. You could have a Benoit Blanc marathon.

    2. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      It’s not so relaxing but I do a clean out of stuff for NY. So far I have a medium-sized pile of all kinds of clothes, housewares, old decor…anything that’s been sitting unused for a long time…ready to go to a charity shop. I’m being especially brutal this year for items I’ve kept “just-in-case”…board games, old coats, fancy dresses, bags and purses, serving and cooking dishes for all of the dinner parties that I’ve never done. I feel a good sweep out the old is very cleansing for the new year. For a smaller project you could just pick a cupboard or category.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Also a good time to knock out a house project you’ve had sitting around – I do like to end the year with an accomplishment. But it has to be something within your abilities like “repaint the cabinets” or something, since most things will be closed and you can’t get workers in if have accidentally messed up the pipes or something :P An art/craft project is also a valuable use of time.

    3. Ann*

      When I want to cheer myself up, I do something for someone else. It’s probably a bit late to volunteer tomorrow, but making a donation to a cause important to you, making an appointment to donate blood, or making a plan to volunteer can do wonders for your own self worth.

    4. Generic Name*

      We’re staying home and making pho. We normally make fondue at home, which is similarly complicated (mostly chopping), but I can’t do dairy anymore. :(

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        You could do fondue with oil instead of cheese! It’s what I grew up with and very much prefer. (Not advised if you have kids under 7 or not yet patient enough)
        It makes you feel less stuffed and also means not everything tastes like cheese ;D (and I like cheese!).
        Use a neutral oil like rapeseed or sunflower, both of which can be heated to high temperatures without burning. To stick into it you can do anything not too watery – meat, chicken, potatoes, mushrooms, zucchini/eggplant, … Then bread, salad, dips as sides and you are all set for hours of leisurely eating :)

        Now I’m craving fondue instead of the baked cheese we are planning to have :/ ;)

        1. Generic Name*

          Yeah, and there’s the broth method too. I do like the cheese course, but cheese doesn’t like me back….

      1. nobadcats*

        Yep!

        Hot oil scalp treatments, hair masque, face masque, and those little plastic booties with oil and foot treatments that you have to put on and NOT MOVE, because they’re so slippy, but you soak your feet in a basin of warm water and then scrub all the dead skin away. Oh, I think they’re called “Pretty Feet.”

        Then I eat comfort food and get my cat really high on the ‘nip and we play whilst watching movies and reading.

        Stay in bathrobe all day.

    6. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Do you have creative outlets? It’s a good time to indulge – paint or draw or sculpt something, or play the musical instrument of your choice that you have around – if you dont have one, there are some apps like a kalimba you can play on your phone. Write a short story. How about planning a garden for warm weather, even if it’s just window boxes? Most of all, enjoy!

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        Oh yes to this. There’s something magical about inviting creativity in on the threshold of a new year. I’ll be drawing mandalas tonight. It’s also lovely to play around with poetry or belt out a few songs. Or light candles, put on some music you love, dance in your living room!

    7. StellaBella*

      I have been single for many years now and what I do thru out the year is collect little things including notes into a happiness box. On NYE I make myself a nice dinner (for me it will be roasted chicken breast and sautéed kale tonight) with a nice glass of wine and I will open the happiness box after dinner and remember all the fun things and moments of joy in the year. I save things like train ticket stubs, biz cards of places I ate/spas/etc etc, cards of friends, etc. Then I start a new journal with a word for the year, and set a few intentions, too. My word of the year this year is going to be ‘focus’ as my focus is going to be on two goals, first one is saving for a place to buy of my own in the next 2 years, and second one is focus on work and my 2 year project that starts next week.

    8. ICodeForFood*

      I sometimes stay up watching the festivities around the ball-drop, while doing a jigsaw puzzle and having something I shouldn’t eat (like ice cream, or a rich dessert) with decaf coffee…

    9. Qwerty*

      Not refreshing in the usual way, but I love to have a productive NYE by myself. I get a big sense of accomplishment, go to bed by 10:30pm, and wake up starting the new year refreshed with a load off my shoulders

      Morning/afternoon – Get the apartment in order! Quick tidy up of the apartment, then do the non-routine stuff there’s never time for like cleaning the shower, washing the baseboards, or organizing the closet. Basically tackle stuff that bugs you but you always put off.

      Optional Activity – Self pamper like one of those hair masks that you have to wash out after an hour. What other day can I justify the time to take two showers? (I usually wash the shower during first run so the remove-hair-mask shower is all about me)

      Dinner – Either take the time to truly cook something or order carry out chinese since it has great leftovers

      Late afternoon / evening – Finish my in-progress craft projects. If something is too big to get done in the day, then figure out a milestone to get to before switching to the next craft.

      Early bed, sleep soundly feeling good about myself. I start the new year so happy.

    10. Paris Geller*

      My main hobby is reading, so on NYE’s I always start re-reading my favorite book of the year and then finish January 1st or 2nd–that way my first read of the year is something I know I’ll love. Even if you’re not a big reader, you could easily do the same with any piece of media-favorite show/album/movie of the year, etc.

    11. justmehere*

      Polar plunge! I do this most years, either at the beach or at a wellness center with a cold plunge pool. Sounds crazy, but makes me feel alive and invigorated and ready to take on a new year.

  6. Bibliovore*

    The bathroom renovation.
    the style is Swedish/Japanese spa vibe.
    Question- tile or wood.
    The bathroom vanity will be a clear maple with a quartz composite top.
    The floor will be a light slate large tile.
    The walls- shower and tub will be a large faux marble.
    Fixtures chrome.
    Question- the side of the Omnitub-
    The designer has selected wood. (clear maple)
    The contractor suggested more of the faux marble tile.
    The designer has a point- the wood would give a warmer spa feeling.
    The contractor has a point- the tile is easy to maintain.

    Your thoughts?
    I worry about mold and mildew on the wood.
    This is the LAST decision.

    1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      They make tile that really looks like wood; best of both worlds?? Otherwise I would pick tile in a warm tone and eggshell-type texture…nothing high gloss or cold colors.

    2. Ann*

      I’d go with tile because wood is such a pain to maintain in a bathroom. It not only gets mildewy, but it can warp.

    3. BonVoyage*

      Seconding tile for easy maintenance! You could always warm things up with wood accessories (like a bath tray, soap holder, etc.) that would be easier to replace.

    4. RedinSC*

      I am also team tile.

      I’d get that tile that has the wood grain in it. There are a number of them and they look good.

    5. Not A Manager*

      You’re talking about the outside of the tub, not the actual part that holds water, right? Why would that get mold and mildew any more than your vanity would? I’d do the wood if you think it will look better.

      But… in my bathroom, we ran the floor tile across the side of the tub perpendicular to the line of the floor, and it looks great.

      1. I heart Paul Buchman*

        Mould and mildew issues are very regional. Here in the tropics that’s a funny question because the vanity is certainly at risk from mould.

    8. Llama Llama*

      Tile. There are plenty of tile that would are warm and spa like. There are soooooo many problems using hardwood floor in a bathroom.

    9. Janethesame*

      Tile, definitely! Wood will not only be harder to maintain, but will be dated very quickly. Fashions change, unfotunately, but you don’t want to be remodeling every year. Also, the wood will show wear, when if kept clean.

    10. mildew on the wood*

      Nothing to do with the question, but have them add heated floor mats before installing the tiles.

    11. The teapots are on fire*

      I think that if you, like me, are the type to worry about mold and mildew, I would go for the tile. Get some picturesque towels and a wooden bath brush for the vibe. Or ask the designer if a warm color of different tile would still give the color change and get you your vibe without the wood.
      The designer will not be cleaning your bathroom.

    13. Not that Leia*

      I actually vote wood; there shouldn’t be any more maintenance issues than with the vertical vanity surfaces. Adding a second tile type sounds too busy, and I think the warmth of wood would be nice. I’m

    14. irene adler*

      Do you have hard water where you are? Very hard water should be factored into the maintenance of the tile. Sure, there’s products (Like CLR) you can buy to keep the minerals from building up and causing the tile to look filmy. But you have to keep at it regularly.

      How is the wood treated to withstand constant exposure to water? Might ask if that ‘treatment’ wears out over time.

  7. Nicki Name*

    New year’s resolutions! Any interesting ones you want to share?

    I’m going to try a question-a-day challenge on Dreamwidth (I’ll put the link in a reply). I’m giving myself permission to write entries in advance, or to catch up if life intervenes, so that everything eventually gets answered.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Just renewing the same things as usual – better sleep/eating/exercise/phone habits, read 40 books (I usually end up somewhere in the 30s). Trying to get back into embroidery because I only did two projects last year (and, um, bought supplies for like five that didn’t happen – because shopping for craft stuff is its own unrelated hobby!)

      1. sewsandreads*

        I’d like to get back into quilting and actually going through my stash of fabric, but the main resolutions I have are to be intentional with my time (saying no to things that I need or want to say no to, mostly — I am very good at saying yes to too much!) and to exercise. I let that go by the wayside with covid and some health issues, so I’ve signed up to my old group class and downloaded my old apps.

        The exercise is especially important for me as I’m weaning off medication, and exercise makes that weaning and post-med life waaaay easier!

        1. RedinSC*

          I have such an issue with my stash of fabric. I have so much (and maybe that same amount in yard!)

          And I look at it and think, I should make something, and then I think, but then I’d be cutting this amazing fabric! HA! I’m such a weirdo.

          Ahhhhh, my precious, precious fabric.

          1. Retired To Morning Room To Write My Letters*

            Yeah I identify with that. Same with blank notebooks and blank paper!

              1. Retired To Morning Room To Write My Letters*

                Makes sense to me.
                My art teacher back in school, she taught us to cover a blank sheet of white paper in a faint wash of slightly muddy beige/cream before drawing or painting more on it, in order to reduce the paralysis.

          2. SpellingBee*

            My people! I’m convinced there are a few pieces of fabric in my stash that I’ll never use, simply because it’s too beautiful to cut. I’ve considered using panels of them either as large center blocks to piece around, or else as large centerpieces in a backing.

            I need to get my quilting mojo back, have lost it over the last 6 months or so.

          3. Dark Macadamia*

            I do this thing where I buy fat quarters just because I like a print and figure I’ll come up with something to do with it later. I never do, what am I going to do with a single fat quarter?

      2. ICodeForFood*

        I love that ‘shopping for craft stuff is its own unrelated hobby!’ I never thought of it like that, but from now on, I will!

    3. TX_Trucker*

      I like the one question per day journal by Aimee Chase on Amazon. There is limited space to write an answer. To me that’s less intimidating than a computer monitor with endless space to reflect.

      2. Nicki Name*

        It’s the opposite for me– I feel like I can make my answer as short as I want on the computer, and having an entire journal page to fill up would be intimidating.

      1. Bethlam*

        My new year starts the day after solstice, so I’m already on day 10 of my resolutions. But this really resonated with me, especially the reply in the comments by Tall Girl. So I’m going to choose a word, not to replace my resolutions, but to complement, support them/ shore them up.

      2. Pennyworth*

        That is an interesting idea. When I read all the nudge words my instinctive response was “Oh that wouldn’t work for me”, in keeping with my pessimistic outlook on life, so I am considering ”positivity”.

      3. Former Retail Manager*

        Not a resolution type person, but I do have one this year. To be less invested in the decisions of others (one other in particular, my daughter) and allow them to bear to the consequences of their own decisions. I have no problem doing this with friends or even my spouse, but the kid has been a struggle. But alas, she is 22 and married. I have done my best to give her a solid foundation from which to build, both financially and in terms of knowledge, so it’s up to her at this point.

        And to eat less sugar overall…..that struggle is so real.

    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      The best resolution I made several years ago was to NOT make resolutions. It’s too frequently a set-up for guilt and feelings of failure if you don’t follow through. I think they’re unhealthy.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I have been thinking a lot about needing to set a resolution on the first day of December, when there’s only 30 days left in the year, for how I want to finish off 2023. I need a greater sense of urgency to get off my butt haha.

      2. costello music*

        Yeah. It’s taken me like over 5 years to get out of the guilty mindset. I love setting up ideas of things to do, and I’ve gotten a lot of practice with my reading goal—not feeling guilty if I’m short, and getting to prove to myself that actually I am awesome if I make it/surpass it. I usually refer to my resolutions as “idk this would be nice to try!!” and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t!

        Just fun to see how people have different ways of thinking about resolutions and stuff!

    6. Jackalope*

      I have a friend who suggested setting goals for yourself for the different areas of life that are important to you. So things like physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relational…. So for example a physical goal could be by the end of the year you can walk 5 miles (or 15, or whatever makes sense for you); spiritual could mean starting a prayer journal, or taking at least two retreats during the year; relational could be at least one phone call a week (or per month) to someone you care about. And so on. That might sound intimidating, but the idea behind it is to think about where you want to be at the end of the year in that area and then come up with a way to move yourself in that direction. I’ve found it helpful in the past; wasn’t able to do it the last few years because of COVID and other life stuff, but this might be the year to try it again.

    7. Chi chan*

      I am going to go on a fitness journey. I will try to get my splits and make some progress with strength training. I am thinking of working on it 2-3 days a week. Let’s see how it goes

      1. German Girl*

        I’m also trying to get my splits – again. I made quite a bit of progress last year and learned a lot about how my body likes to be worked, so now I just have to apply that consistently.

        I’m also going for double pirouettes again. There was progress in 2022 and I’ll keep working in the same direction.

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I don’t do resolutions and usually don’t do intentions, either. It seems the universe had other plans. After services on Rosh Hashanah, I found myself holding the intention to delight in myself. Still working on that one!

    9. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Planning to watch more football ad drink more beer. It’s the same resolution each year and tougher accomplish.

    10. costello music*

      I really want to pick up a hobby that’s not reading or playing the Sims. I don’t feel guilty about either, but still. I’m thinking cross-stitch? I did it a little and really enjoyed it.

      I do need to decide what my reading goal will be. I did 60 books for this year, and surpassed it at 74 (!!). 16 of those were manga which helped. But I haven’t been reading as much since I got a full time job. So I might just do 60 again. And I do need to read more history books. I’ve been seriously slacking.

    11. Janethesame*

      I always give myself to the end of January to finalize my resolutions. You don’t want to rush these things!

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a weight loss goal because I just had to buy new-sized pants, which is my indicator to myself that it’s time to start paying attention and has been my agreement with my doctor that we won’t discuss weight until my clothing stops fitting me.

      My walking mileage goal for 2023 is 1500 miles – I’ve done 1411 for 2022 as of this morning, so I’m comfortable with that being attainable.

      I track my finished books, but I don’t have a goal for them per se. (I’m at 154 for this year so far, so I don’t really need to work too hard on that one.)

      Craft more, declutter my house, eat less junk food, pay off debt, spend less money :)

    13. Qwerty*

      I don’t do resolutions, but a few years ago I tried setting a monthly goal, so I want to try that out again. They have to be simple and achievable. I find it works better with my ADD brain / tendency to briefly go all-in on something.

      So, January I want to make a pot of soup each week. I did it a couple time in Dec and it was super nice to sorta cook one day and then have an easy lunch all week that was warm, hearty, and healthy. Note this is not cooking from scratch.

      No idea what it’ll be beyond that – I make the goal at the start of the month so its an informed decision that takes my schedule and needs into account. I’m sure one month will be a bit exercise related (like, run once a week to jumpstart the season), one will be craft/artsy related, sometime in spring there will be something to get me out of hibernation, etc. If I’m too busy, then I’ll skip for the month.

      1. MEH Squared*

        I really like this. I don’t do resolutions, either, because I feel that I am just setting myself up to fail. This year, I wanted to set goals, but was unsure how to go about it. I think manageable goals on a monthly basis may be the way to go. So, thank you for sharing your idea!

    14. slowingaging*

      I am going with the 10 minute. Anything I need to do I spend 10 minutes on it. … then move on. I also went crazy and made a budget for 2023 based on the last 6 months. Who knows I might actually do it. It’s a goal

    15. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I’m applying Betty Martin’s “Wheel of Consent” book approach to my entire life (and everyone seriously needs to read this book or at least watch some of her videos).

      I am going to do more things in my ‘hell yeah’ category, be aware of when I’m in my ‘willing to do/accept that’ category so I can give freely (not grudgingly or fearfully or resentfully), do fewer things in my ‘enduring’ category, and avoid the ‘hell no’ category.

      Her book is about the four quadrants of touch (receiving someone’s touch ‘for their pleasure’ versus ‘for my pleasure’, and touching someone for their pleasure versus for my pleasure). The intention behind the touch completely changes the experience.

      I feel like crying many times I do it, like I’m recovering something critical and precious, something I didn’t know I had lost and didn’t think I could have.

      I want to live my entire life like this.

    16. Chaordic One*

      My New Year’s Resolution is pretty unremarkable, but I resolve to get some minor medical issues taken care of that I’ve been putting off. The hassle of scheduling and taking time off from work and then dealing with the insurance companies is a PITA.

      I’ve set aside some money for my deductibles and co-pays and am getting new glasses, maybe even prescription sunblasses, visiting my dentist, and also getting a checkup which I’ve put off for quite a while. (TMI? I even plan on getting a colonoscopy.)

      1. allathian*

        I really need to book an appointment with my dentist. I had one scheduled for April 2020, and because I always get sick after a visit to the dentist, I didn’t want to deal with the “is it Covid or something else” stuff at the time, and I just kept putting it off… There are a couple old fillings that need to be redone, and dental health is crucial for general health, so I really have to put my ass in gear on this.

    17. Blythe*

      We will see how these hold up, but:

      – I will access social media only on Sundays.
      – I will try a new seasonal flavor of Molly Moon’s ice cream every month (local ice cream chain)

  8. Red Sunglasses*

    Asking people on a first date why they’re single- how do folks feel about this?

    Recently, I’ve been asked more frequently on first dates why I’m single. It’s not asked in a ‘you seem so great, what’s wrong’ way- I guess it’s posed to suss out how the person handles relationships and past partners (ie do they take responsibility for their parts, are they 100% putting blame on others, etc.) I prefer first dates to be for just getting to know each other and don’t think past relationships shouldn’t be discussed until you’re closer to the exclusivity but I have been answering it vaguely but honestly – for me, I have never been in a rush to settle down and I never put weight into factors that would make a person a good long term partner and therefore, I ended up with a lot of commitment shy types. I’ve gotten mixed feedback or even been questioned by some folks for my decisions. When they answer the same question, I barely register what they say back because it’s usually something generic and not red flag raising- so I am left thinking ‘what is the point of asking about this’?

    I’m curious if others have found this question is useful? If so, how do you use the answer to make a decision going forward?

    1. Danish*

      Hm! Interesting… I haven’t been asked it, and I also would not interpret it to be a question about past relationships! I’m assuming the people asking told you that was why?

    2. RagingADHD*

      A lot of people are just really bad at making conversation and probably don’t really know why they are asking. If anything, I would think it was a question about your current situation, not your past.

      They may just be trying to figure out if you are in a highly volatile state like being on the rebound or recently widowed. Or if you aren’t actually single at all, like being in the middle of a messy divorce.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I would not care for that question (I hate when people ask me that in a non-date context, and I’ve been known to quote Bridget Jones and say perhaps it’s because underneath my clothes, my entire body is covered in scales) but on a first date I’d try to make like a politician and answer the question I wished they’d asked. You could talk about your approach to dating, or your past, or I don’t know, you’re current life philosophy haha.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I think the most useful part would be to try to catch people who aren’t actually single – you’re separated but not divorced, in an open relationship and looking for something on the side, cheating on your partner – or to avoid being the rebound relationship after a divorce.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        That was my thought–that while it seems odd as early conversation, someone who’s been burned by people not actually being single (and not wanting to bring that up before the new person gets emotionally invested), might want to clarify up front now.

    4. Double A*

      I mean…single is the default? We all start out that way. It definitely seems like a weird question.

      “Just lucky, I guess” is a funny response I’ve heard before but not in the context of a date.

      1. Double A*

        This also sounds like the dating equivalent of “tell me your biggest weakness.” You’re not going to get real information from the response; at best it will be a humblebrag.

        1. Atheist Nun*

          I agree with you on both points! Is there a “correct”/”good” answer to this question that the asker is seeking? Like, “Well, I was waiting all this time for someone exactly like *you*”?

          My dates have rarely asked me this question, but that might be because I am a straight woman who dates straight men, and 99% of them talk only about themselves on a first date and never ask me any questions. (Maybe *that* is the reason why I am still single…)

          1. Filosofickle*

            Having been asked this countless times, I believe their goal isn’t finding a “right” answer but screening out the wrong ones and looking for red flags. It’s akin to “why are you looking for a new job”. They are looking for signs of bitterness, drama, flightiness, immaturity, desperation etc. The best answer is short, not defensive, and doesn’t get into details.

    5. Generic Name*

      I think it’s awkward and ham-fisted at best and at worst is a way to force intimacy early on. I agree with you that first dates should basically be an introduction. I find that when online dating people sometimes feel like it’s, I dunno, more acceptable to try to fast-track the getting to know you stage. So, for me, I don’t find it useful, and if a date starts to feel like an interrogation or an interview, I see it as a sign of lack of compatibility. I don’t think most people do it with ill intent; I think they probably see it as saving time, but I personally find it awkward and not particularly enjoyable.

    6. dusty*

      No analysis, but at my HS 25th, a friend respnded, (as dramatic as you’d care to), “WELL. Anytime anyone asked me to marry him… I just said, “Noooo”!”

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      When I was online dating, I was always repelled when the person I met treated our first get-together as if it were an audition or a job interview. I mean, if I met someone in other context and we decided to get together, we wouldn’t be going through that kind of structured process (or if we were, I’d find it just as unappealing).

      I eventually added language to my dating profile that overtly said this. I shared that I saw connecting online through a dating site as just a way to meet someone, comparable to a dinner party, and that if we got together, it wouldn’t be an audition or job interview.

      That approach pretty much put an end to the unreasonably personal questions I was getting from someone I’d known for only an hour. I figured that people like that just decided not to respond, which was fine with me.

      When I was dating online, my goal from a first meeting was to decide if I wanted a second one. Having that simple expectation took a lot of pressure off.

      1. Atheist Nun*

        I think your strategy is smart and wonderful, and I am glad that you stated it explicitly in your online dating profile. I will do the same–thank you for sharing your experience!

      2. Sloanicota*

        This is great, I think we *all* need this advice. I could never make online dating work for me because I felt very pressured and on-the-spot and, yes, interview-y, like you said, whether I felt like I was supposed to be the interviewer or was the interviewee.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I always made my first meeting a hike somewhere I liked–public and popular for safety–and that meant I’d have a good time being outdoors even if we didn’t click. I’m now recalling an interview-type first meeting where the guy told me details of why he got divorced and suggested places we could visit for vacation. Um, no.

    8. Jackalope*

      I personally always hated it. I had a simple but true answer to give, and I felt comfortable with my answer, but I still hated the question. It probably doesn’t help that the first person who asked me this (and also asked why I’d been single so long, since I started dating somewhat later in life than most people) actually said the quiet part out loud: “What’s wrong with you that you’ve been single so long?” That’s more a “later in life” question: I was in my mid-30s at that point. But I was still offended and did NOT go for a second date.

    9. Milkmaid Marian*

      You don’t ask the date
      Go talk to a mutual friend and ask delicate questions, you’ll more likely get to know the real answer than making a job interview like environment

      If they are that blunt and don’t want to actually get to know me they aren’t worth a second date, puts them into the same basket as the people that request photos in the first conversation online. Don’t get me started on the ones that request intimate photos in the first conversation

    10. Irish Teacher.*

      I am aromantic asexual and don’t date but it strikes me as a bad question for more than one reason. For one thing, single is…sort of the default. The main reason for being single is surely that you either haven’t met somebody who means enough to you that you want to make them a big part of your life or that you haven’t met anybody who feels that way about you.

      The question sets it up as more of a decision than it often is.

      It also strikes me as problematic in the way “how come you don’t have any kids?” is problematic. There can be situations where the reason is upsetting and not appropriate for a first date – “I just escaped an abusive partner” for example.

      I would guess it’s a way of looking for red flags, like “because all the men/women I’ve dated have been crazy and needy,” or “because she got pregnant and I don’t need a kid right now” but I suspect the kind of people who’d respond to that by going on a rant about all their exes or saying something that raised an obvious red flag would…probably give themselves away in normal conversation anyway.

    11. Ellis Bell*

      I think the first date is a little soon for it, but knowing the person’s relationship history or approach is pretty invaluable. I think your answer is great! It’s very revealing of your character and what you want. The fact that people are questioning your decisions is also good! This isn’t a 100pc popularity contest, you want to be sorting the wheat from the chaff; sorting the “I get you” types from the “no, that’s weird” types. Also, the internet is alive with cheaters and I always found it pretty easy to spot them from their glib non answers to questions like this, so you might want to look into people who are brushing this off repeatedly. Equally they might just think it’s way too soon to be sharing a personal story, but for me and my friends by the third or fourth date we usually know why the person’s last relationship ended.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Just realised I hadn’t answered your concluding question. When I met my partner he told me that he’d spent most of his twenties too focused on career, but he’d been engaged for five years until he realised that both he and his fiancée kept putting off the date and that they struggled to find joint interests. I felt good about this response because I was looking for a serious relationship and he seemed ready for that, but he wasn’t looking for just anyone and he knew when to bail. In my case, I had married young and was cheated on just shy of my ten year wedding anniversary and since rejoining the dating pool, was cautious about who I trusted. He respected this caution, seeing it as wise instead of seeing this as a potential problem or trust issue; his response was to be particularly open and to go slow in a way that felt very good to me.

      2. Despachito*

        I think that the “revealing of your character and what you want” part is key for dating.

        I’d ask away anything you feel like asking. It may grate the other person the wrong way but it does not mean it is wrong per se. It would just mean you are incompatible, and again – nothing wrong with it, but I find it more practical to find out as early as possible that this is the case because you do not lose energy on the “wrong” person.

        As for example MEH squared below says – they are not interested in long-term monogamous relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it would mean they would be incompatible with what YOU said you were looking for in a partner. And this is a good thing to know early on to avoid disappointment and bitterness.

    12. Despachito*

      “to suss out how the person handles relationships and past partners (ie do they take responsibility for their parts, are they 100% putting blame on others, etc.)”

      This is actually very useful information to have about your potential partner – if there is a pattern of certain behavior, it is good to know whether it is acceptable to you.

      The problem here is that it is not tactical to ask that, but on the other hand it is practical to know as early as possible, and it is difficult to balance it in a complete stranger.

      It can however serve YOU to decide that this is something you do not want in a potential partner.

    13. E*

      I wouldn’t like this question! I don’t think I’ve ever been asked it on a date but definitely in other social interactions. When I was single and really didn’t want to be, it was so frustrating and if I had known what the issue was (if there was one, rather than just luck), I would’ve been glad bc I could’ve tried to fix it! Others mentioned the usefulness of knowing if someone is actually single or what their relationship history is or whether they’re looking for something serious, but there are way better / more direct ways to ask those questions IMO.

    14. MaryLoo*

      Not on a first date, but at a party. Person I was talking with asked “Where’s your husband?”

      I couldn’t think fast enough so just said I’m not married. Her reply was “Oh” with disapproving tone.

      I wish I’d said My husband ran off with his secretary and deserted me and my newborn twins.
      Or
      Do you have to be married to come to this party?

      Sadly I only think of these kinds of answers after the fact.

      1. Katydid*

        That was such an odd question, it makes me wonder if they mistook you for someone else. Their subsequent disapproval may also have been based on this mistake.

        Imagine if they ask this of a newly widowed person! Yowza.

    15. MEH Squared*

      I would not like it. I have been single most my life and it’s my preferred state. If I were to start dating and they asked me, my honest answer would be that I really like my own company (and my cat) so if I were going to date someone, it had to be someone whose company I liked better than my own. Probably not what anyone wants to hear, but I don’t want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship.

      If/when I date again, it’ll mostly be for fun and for physical intimacy so that question would be doubly offputting. To me, it sounds like the person is thinking that there is something wrong with being single. I wouldn’t have the same problem with someone asking me what I was looking for in a partner/date.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I think that’s actually the healthiest possible attitude to have in dating; it’s really strange that you think it’s an unwelcome idea!

        1. Jackalope*

          I think it’s really good to have an idea of what you’re looking for, whether it’s fun/casual, or someone to go do stuff with, or marriage/long-term partnership (or any other specific thing). It’s perfectly okay to feel like you enjoy being single and only want to date if you find someone who totally knocks your socks off. It’s also okay to feel that you’re lonely and want a long term partner, or you want to find someone to have children with, or whatever. The key is being honest about what you want fairly early on, so the person you’re considering dating can opt in or opt out.

          1. Generic Name*

            Yup. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things and being honest about it. The problem is when someone misrepresents what they want. If I’m looking for a relationship, I don’t want to date people who don’t want to be in one. Conversely, if I’m just looking for fun, I don’t want to date someone who says they feel the same but secretly hopes for a back door into a relationship with them.

            1. Jackalope*

              Yes, I agree. There are a few questions that need to be answered at the beginning of any sort of romantic relationship and this is definitely one of them.

        2. MEH Squared*

          It’s becauseI have had more than one person claim to be OK with what I said I wanted from the relationship, only to be very much not-okay with it later on. I know myself pretty well (especially now that
          I’m in my 50s), but other people may not be as self-aware.

          I think it’s a good thing, to be clear, that I know what I want and can articulate it to others. I just know it’s not how most people feel, and that’s OK! As long as they know what they want and are clear with themselves and me so we can be on the same page as to what each of us wants.

    16. anon for this*

      I feel like this is maybe an okay question for date 3 or later, but, as you said, early on it’s unlikely you’re going to get something non-generic. And even if it’s not generic, on a first date I don’t know how much to trust somebody yet. So if they tell me about how terrible their ex is, is that a red flag? Or did they really have a terrible ex?

      I will say though, that once I went on a date where the topic of exes kind of organically came up. He described why he broke up with his last girlfriend and it was nuts (on his part). Basically, he went over to his now-ex’s house at 11 pm the night before she had a huge presentation in the morning (I’m not totally clear, but I think she may have been defending her PhD). He had done a high dosage of edibles and ended up having a bad trip. He was freaking out and wanted her to stay up and comfort him. She was angry with him and insisted he go try to sleep on the couch instead of keeping her up in bed. The way he told it, he was like, “Can you believe how uncaring my ex was? After she showed me how much she prioritized her career over me, I just had to end it.” So he ended it over a crisis he really created for himself on the worst day possible for her. This man was also in his mid-thirties when I met him and this break-up had been somewhat recent (a few months or so).

      I willfully ignored that red flag because he was incredibly handsome and boy, that was silly. Luckily we were never serious, but even the time we briefly were seeing each other, he always found a way to make every moment about him and always put his needs and wants above mine.

      So it *can* be a useful question. But like everything revealed on dates, it’s just one data point of dubious validity. I think it’s fine, if you’re uncomfortable with the question, to just go with something vague and say, “I don’t want to talk about my ex on our first date. Tell me about your plans for this weekend!”

  9. Danish*

    I have an… economics/practicality question that I am probably overthinking but would love some opinions!

    Often immediately prior to a meal I will think of something I want from the store. My ideal state is that I then go to the store, get the item I want, return home and continue making my meal. The store is three blocks away and I like to walk so this is easy to do.

    What OFTEN happens is that instead I’ll think “oh, wait, if you’re going to the store, you should think about what you want for [next meal] too, and if we’re out of any staples and…”

    Half the time, I become so overwhelmed/mentally tired by trying to plan ahead that far (the adhd baybee~) that I’ll just decide to not go at all and just have cereal for dinner or something. The other half, that I’d call The Successful Half, is when I decide it’s fine, I’ll just go to the store again before the next meal if needed, and I go get my one item.

    So I guess my question is… is there a downside to going to the grocery store repeatedly instead of all in one trip? I mean obviously it’s a bit inefficient, but I’m not concerned with that. Am I somehow paying more in, idk, taxes? Or anything else not immediately obvious?

    You’d think I’d just be able to go to the store at whatever cadence suits me, but my brain is so used to thinking it’s doing everything wrong that it is searching for reasons doing this is actually the Bad Wrong Way.

    1. Natalie*

      The only ‘bad wrong way’ to do something is the way that works for someone else, but doesn’t work for you.

      If going to the grocery store repeatedly is working for you, that’s awesome! You like to walk, so you’re doing something you enjoy. You’re getting a little bit more exercise and fresh air, so that’s got to be good for you.

      You do you. Everyone else is taken. :)

    2. Manders*

      This is something I’m going to try to address in 2023 for myself. I go to the store way too frequently (mine is also within walking distance). But I find that I spend way too much when I do that. I’ve been successful this year in limiting my Target trips to one per month (right after payday!), and planning ahead so I’m not just grabbing random stuff of the shelves and then realizing that I forgot the one actual thing I needed. I’m hoping that a little meal planning will help with that going forward this year. But no, if that’s what works for you, shop till you drop!

    3. RagingADHD*

      If you were driving, or if it were farther away and took a long time, then you would save time and gas by making fewer trips. Most meal-planning advice to plan a week’s worth of meals and buy everything in one trip is based on the assumption of a suburban, car-based household. It also presumes you’re buying and cooking fairly large quantities.

      If you only have to walk 3 blocks, you are being more efficient by buying exactly what you want on the day. You’re probably buying less because it’s very specific, and you probably have less waste because it’s exactly what you want.

      1. German Girl*

        This, for someone who walks/cycles it’s easiest to go as often as it’s practical for you and the only extra “cost” is the time and energy to get there – which as you’ve noticed can be a benefit, too, because of exercise.

        1. German Girl*

          For staples, I do kanban: Wherever I empty the second to last package, I’ll add it to my grocery list, which I then grab when I go to the store anyway.
          So even if I don’t go to the store for a week or so, I won’t usually run out of staples.

          1. Janethesame*

            Absolutely! Keep a running list. Also, if you make the same meals with some frequency, buy enough for 2 or 3 meals at a time (You don’t have to eat it the subsequentday – it’ll last!)

    4. AcademiaNut*

      The main thing would be time, and it sounds like you don’t mind that.

      You pay the same in taxes. If you’re buying things in small quantities when it’s cheaper in bulk, it may cost a bit more (like buying a single tiny container of yoghurt instead of a big tub). You’re walking, so you’re not using extra gas. If you’re using your own bags, you’re not wasting extra plastic.

      On the plus side, you’re getting more exercise.

      I keep a post-it note on the fridge where I jot down stuff we need to buy, so if I’m running out to get something quickly I can pick up other stuff at the same time.

    5. Sea Dragon*

      It’s just a cultural thing, I think. Some areas are more inclined toward one giant grocery trip, and others shop more often.

      I go to the grocery store almost every day. I buy what I want, always have fresh produce and meat, and waste far less food than when I try to plan big trips to last for a week or more. It’s what works for me, even if others find it weird.

    7. sewsandreads*

      When I used to be able to take public transport to work, I used to do this! The shops were just near the bus stop about ten minutes down the road from me and I lived alone, so it was a nice little stop on my way home (and I could decide what I wanted on the bus ride home).

      I loved it and I miss it now that the shops and my work aren’t near public transport and petrol is so expensive!

    8. TX_Trucker*

      You should do whatever works for you. When I lived in NYC and could walk to the grocery store I went sever times per week. I enjoyed the social interaction of seeing the same employees on a regular basis, the spontaneity of meals, and the exercise of walking and carrying groceries. Now that I live in rural Texas and need to drive an hour to the grocery store, meal planning is a necessity.

    9. Danish*

      Okay, excellent! Thank you everyone for the explanations and validation. I’ll continue to do the way that works for me (and yes, I have one of those foldable totes that lives on my keychain so I’m not using excess bags)

    10. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      In many countries, kitchens are tiny, as are stoves and refrigerators, and people go to the market daily for what they need. There’s nothing wrong with it.

    11. Melody Pond*

      I definitely save way more money on groceries with the approach you described – by walking to the store every day with the intention to buy only what I absolutely, immediately need. With the mindset of, “if I REALLY need or want this other thing later, I can always walk back later.”

      This is also one of the only reliable ways to get myself regular exercise. :)

      YMMV, of course, but for me, this method has definitely saved me more money on groceries and gotten me happier/healthier.

    12. Sloanicota*

      I have these moments every day where I let the perfect (buying all the groceries I’ll need for the week!) be the enemy of the good (getting something to make a meal now). It’s mostly noticeable in housecleaning, where I end up never wiping the dust off the counter because I didn’t first pick up everything and get the vacuum for the rug and wipe the wall after and this and that. I try to go for some moderate path, like maybe I’ll buy two things at the store but not stop right now and make a whole list, or I’ll wipe the dust and put the scrap mail in the recycling, and I’ll call that good enough. I’m very prone to getting overwhelmed and shutting down. I need to consciously make *some* progress and feel good about that.

    13. Alex*

      For me personally, the more times I go to the grocery store the more I spend. This is because of all the little “extras” that I might pick up that perhaps I didn’t really need or wouldn’t get otherwise. So, fewer trips mean fewer temptations to buy extras.

      But if that isn’t how you roll, that’s fine! There’s no magical correct way for everyone.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I’m the same, and I need to rethink my shopping habits. During the worst of Covid I started shopping as late as I could when there were fewer people in the store, but that meant I was often hungry and would impulse buy stuff not on my list.

      2. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Ah, but if you were walking you’d be more selective about what you wanted to carry home ;-)

    14. KatEnigma*

      Quit assigning a value of good/bad to it.

      Having said that, studies have been done that indicate that people who make multiple trips to the grocery store like that tend to spend more. At least in the US- after all, that’s more in line with how most of Europe shops, so I don’t know how they explain that. You’re not paying more in taxes, but you’re paying more in impulse buys.

      1. allathian*

        Most of Europe, meaning larger cities with good public transit where it’s possible to live without a car, at least reasonably close to the city center, or in smaller towns where grocery stores and markets are basically within walking distance. But I live in the suburbs, and although public transit here is much better than in most places in the US, we tend to go grocery shopping about once a week, and use the store half a mile away when we run out of something basic like milk or bread. I sometimes go there just to pick up one thing when I need a walk in the middle of the day.

    15. SaraK*

      I hate shopping so I do a weekly meal plan once a week, create a list and do a big shop to get it out of the way. I also keep a rolling list of items (add to the list if I run out of something, or am about to run out of something). I usually only buy what’s on the list so I don’t end up wasting anything. Conversely my brother shops almost every day because he decides sometime during the day what he is going to cook that night. I like to have a plan of what to cook/eat because if it gets too late in the day I get decision fatigue and overwhelmed and it’s all too hard and I end up eating cereal. My brother prefers to go with cooking what he actually feels like eating that day. Neither of us are wrong and both of us end up eating home cooked meals and not wasting much so I don’t think there’s any one right way to do it.

    16. New Mom*

      Going multiple times is my husbands preferred shopping style. If we had it my way we’d only shop 3-4 times a month and do a big shop but my husband likes to go to the store multiple times a week to buy 1-2 things. Then when we went to his hometown and stayed with his parents I learned why. His mom will literally drive to their local store 1-3 times A DAY to get things. It’s just a cute little quirk about them and everyone can have a different style.

    17. Cedrus Libani*

      I like to have separate cadences. For non-perishables, I go to Costco every few months, and it’s a production: take inventory, borrow car, etc. But for the next few months, when I run out of something, I just go to the pantry and get more. Then, I go to the grocery store every 2-3 days to buy whatever fresh ingredients are needed. I don’t have to plan too far ahead, and I don’t usually have to worry about the dry goods aisles, because I have plenty of that stuff.

  10. LadyWhistledown*

    Service dogs!

    Does anyone have recommendations for reputable New England programs? My husband’s current service dog (military PTSD) is 8 and I’m trying to figure out how far in advance we need to plan for his eventual retirement. We moved from the South and are still getting our bearings so any tips are deeply appreciated.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      Canine Companions is a national organization with locations in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. While I haven’t personally used a service dog, I’m passing the info along based on knowing someone who works at their regional hub on the West Coast. When my highly respected former colleague was looking for a new position, she was very choosy and vetted Canine Companions thoroughly before agreeing to join their team. She’s been there three years now and continues to sing their praises. You can check them out and see what you think.

      1. LadyWhistledown*

        Thank you so much! Hadn’t heard of that one but anywhere that treats employees and volunteers well is top of the list. Really appreciate the kind reply.

    2. DogPerson*

      In addition to Canine Companions as mentioned below (a great program), America’s VetDogs is the PTSD branch of the Guide Dog Foundation and is located in NY, I would recommend looking into them as well! It’s always good to have a few options to check out and see what fits task and timeline wise.

      Also, with wait lists trending into the 1.5-2 years, now is a good time to start considering and even applying! You can always defer placement if you’re husband’s dog is doing well, but better to be on the list than not.

      Source: Previously worked at CC, now still working in the SD field but not at either of the two schools mentioned.

      1. LadyWhistledown*

        Super helpful! Thank you so much for responding. I was researching waitlists this weekend and they’re no joke!!

    3. KatEnigma*

      A childhood friend is very involved with Canine Companions for Independence… but some of their rules are different than other service dog programs. (Like her daughter’s service dog can’t be technically assigned to her daughter, because she’s a minor, so the dog can’t go to school with her unless my friend is there… less than ideal, in my opinion, but none of my business. LOL) That wouldn’t apply to your husband, but look at their rules for other strangeness.

    4. Bluebell*

      I’ve heard good things about NEADS. They are trained in prison programs and are available to selected groups, including veterans.

    5. Ms Darcy*

      Operation Delta Dog in Hollis,NH might be a good fit. They are a non- profit. They train rescue dogs to be service dogs for Veterans with PTSD.

  11. Teapot Translator*

    People in certain places do go to the grocery store multiple times a week, not just one big run.

    Plus, you’d be getting some exercise in. There is no correct way of doing this. Whichever way allows you to get the meal you want in you!

      1. Pennyworth*

        My friend used food delivery to guard against impulse food purchases, because she needs to follow a low carb diet.

  12. HBJ*

    Curious to get some makeup recommendations from people who aren’t sponsored on the internet. I prefer not too expensive and what I can get at a standard supermarket (Walmart, Target, etc.).

    —I’m thinking about trying a BB/CC cream. I have a light skin tone and fairly average skin – no super oily or dry issues.
    —Anyone have a black eyeliner they like? Currently using NYX super skinny eye marker, but it seems to wear off super fast and doesn’t seem to apply super easily (although I really have no comparison).

    1. Generic Name*

      I like Bobbi Brown’s pot of black eyeliner. You apply with a brush and it doesn’t wear off. It’s not cheap, but it lasts forever.

      1. Sunflower*

        I use this too! It’s a gel eyeliner and its stays on much better/longer than pencil. I used Maybelline before I switched to Bobbi Brown and that worked fine if you’re looking for a similar/good starting point.

      3. HBJ*

        I’ve used a pot and brush before, I think it was Maybelline? And I got tired of it and felt like it dried out/got a little stiff and hard to use long before I got anywhere close to using it up. But with a couple reccs, maybe I’ll have to try something else. The pen I’m using, I have a hard time getting a very good wing or thin line.

    2. Jamie Starr*

      I love Stila Smudge Pot gel eyeliner. You need to apply it with a brush though. I am a thick eyeliner type of person and I can get a nice thick line. It’s easy to use it for a smudgey/smokey eye shadow, too, if that’s your thing. The pot lasts forever. While I don’t think it’s advertised as waterproof, can confirm it stays put through tears and crying. It comes off easily with make up remover.

    3. Nick name here*

      BB cream… NYX bare with me skin tint or Elf camo cc cream (order elf from their website, they’re always having sales and a great rewards program). I tend to lean more towards elf products then nyx. I think they’re better bang for your buck.

      If your target has an Ulta inside and you’re feeling fancy, I’m a huge fan of urban decay hydromaniac. It’s light but buildable and gives a great finish.

      No matter what cream you use, make sure to use a primer. Your makeup will be smoother and last longer. Elf putty primers are a holy grail with lots of options for your face needs.

    4. Janethesame*

      Elf. It’s very inexpensive, easy to find, makes a skinny line ( I go subtle for work) and I think it lasts a BIT better than nyx. (Doesn’t peel off in strips, anyway.)

    6. Sunflower*

      I’d recommend going somewhere like a Sephora and trying out some brands and then looking up the drugstore dupes online. I don’t use BB or CC cream but I use tinted moisturizer (Laura Mercier) and that may be a good option if you haven’t considered it. What’s tough with drug store is you can’t test the shades out ahead of time so it’s a nightmare tying to figure out what color works for you. If you can try some out at Sephora and figure out what you like, it’s pretty easy to find the drug store similarities online.

      ELF is a great, cheaper brand and I have found tons of great stuff they make. The best dupe I ever found online is for primer – which is a gel you put on before make up to make it go on smoother and evenly. I use Monistat Chafing gel for it- it’s ingredients are also the same as MAC primer and it’s 5x cheaper. Plus I can use it in the summer for it’s actual use!

      2. HBJ*

        I’ve used some Elf before, only eyeshadows. I’ll have to try more of their stuff. I don’t have a Sephora or Ulta near me, so it would be very difficult/impossible for me to do that in the time I have for solo errands.

    7. RussianInTexas*

      I like Urban Decay kohl liner (although it’s not skinny), and Clinique liquid one with the felt tip. Both are a bit more than the drugstore brands, but I like the quality.
      In addition, I use the eyeshadow primer. It helps to keep makeup in place.

    8. sewsandreads*

      I use two “eyeliner” options (said like that because one isn’t) — either a liquid liner from The Quick Flick if I want to attempt anything super bold, or my favourite eyeshadow palette from Hourglass. Most of the time I apply it on a very fine damp brush and it lasts forever.

      Can’t remember the palette name but it’s quite small and basically just has neutrals.

    9. Constance Lloyd*

      I really like the Pixi brand gel eyeliners, though admittedly they’re the higher end of what target has to offer. They go on smoothly and you have a bit of a window to smudge, blend, or clean up the edges. Then they set up nicely and stay put all day.

    10. RLC*

      NYX Epic Wear Eye and Body liquid waterproof liner is the most long lasting for me, comparable to the now-discontinued MAC Superslick liquid liner. All the colors I’ve tried have lasted equally well.

  13. AcademiaNut*

    Book recommendations;

    What are the top couple of books/series you read this past year that you’d recommend to others? For me

    A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine – sf with issues politics and cultural identity, and wanting to be part of something you’ll never be fully accepted in.

    The Craft Sequence by Max Gladstone (6 book series series starting with Three Parts Dead) – one of the most unique and interesting fantasy series I’ve ever read. Think investment banking crises with souls instead of money, necromancy based capitalism, a war with the gods, all set in what functions like the modern world, derived a totally different starting point. Plus lots of interesting and varied female protagonists.

    and for an off-the-wall bonus, “Three Twins at the Crater School” for fans of classic girls’ boarding school stories and steam-punk Mars adventures.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I read a couple by Nghi Vo this year – both historical fantasy with kind of a dark magic vibe and Asian protagonists. “The Chosen and the Beautiful” is a Great Gatsby retelling from the POV of Jordan Baker and “Siren Queen” is about a silent movie starlet.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I quite enjoyed Nghi Vo’s 3 novella series (so far) Singing Hills Cycle which is Asian high fantasy.

      2. Wink the Book*

        I’ve really enjoyed Vo’s writing. Tho, I am running hard into the Siren Queen. But that is more a personal thing than an issue with the writing.

    2. Person from the Resume*

      Sarah Pinsker has two very different near future sci fi novels I’d recommend:
      – A Song for A New Day
      – We Are Satellites
      After reading her short stories last year, my goal was to read her two novels. And both were a wonderful surprise.

      Anything by Becky Chambers. She published her second (and I think final) Monk and Robot series novella recently. And her 4 book Wayfarers series is comprised of 4 very different sci fi books in the same universe with some main characters recurring as minor characters in other novels, but they’re mostly stand-alone and all wonderful. I was super impressed by #4, The Galaxy, and the Ground Within which has no human characters.

      And finally along the lines of Arkady Martine‘s work (with a huge page count), Walter Jon Williams published the 3rd book in the second trilogy of Dread Empire Falls (The Praxis) universe. It’s space opera and military (based on navy) sci fi. Pretty sure it’s not complete yet, but the first trilogy reached a logical stopping point (conclusion of a civil war in the empire where humans are only 1 of many races and not even the top dogs) so I expect the second one (a second civil war to push the humans out of the empire) to wrap up decently but I can tell there’s still more to come.

      1. Pamela Adams*

        There may be no few/no humans in The Galaxy and the Ground Wihin, but they are all people!

        Is cheese really a thing?

    3. Hanani*

      I’ve been recommending Memory Called Empire (and Desolation Called Peace) to everyone! I’ve also really enjoyed Nghi Vo.

      A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (and its sequels) by Becky Chambers is wonderful – lots of found family and connection across differences.

      Elder Race by Adrian Tchaikovsky – clever commentary on the line between sci-fi and fantasy.

      Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab – and really anything else by Schwab. High fantasy, beautifully written.

      Anything by N.K Jemisin (I like the Dreamblood duology) and anything by Gail Carriger (variety of genres, some spicier than others)

      1. Gatomon*

        Mmm, just finished the Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemisin and will happily +1 it and anything else she’s written. (Sometimes I find an author and know in my bones I’m going to love everything they’ve put out from one book – she’s one of those.)

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      The Scholomance by Naomi Novik. What if being in a magical high school where things constantly jumped out and tried to eat you was horrible rather than exciting?

      The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells, in which a cyborg overrides its governor module so it could go on a murder spree, but it instead opts to watch the Netflix back catalogue. Space opera ensues.

      They’re recommended here a lot, but those are the ones I’ve recommended countless times this year, bought the first book as a gift, etc.

      1. Scot Librarian*

        I got the first Scholomance book by Naomi Novik for Christmas and read it yesterday afternoon. It was brilliant and I’m going to buy the next 2 in the series today

    5. RedinSC*

      If you are up for a little dystopian fiction, The Dog Stars by Peter Heller I thought was just amazing. I want to read his other novels, just haven’t yet found the time.

    6. Fabiofan*

      Max Gladstone is amazing! I don’t understand how his craft sequence isn’t more popular (although I dnf last first snow about 4 times). If you enjoyed that you’ll love This is how you lose the time war as well.
      Can’t wait for the new craft trilogy!

      1. Wink the Book*

        Honestly, same. I really wish I had read LFS before TSR. It would have kept me a lot more sympathetic to characters and kept me focused on the book. Honestly, I think my issue w the series (I read the first 4, but could not get into the fifth in the series and am just letting it GO) is how good the writing and plotting is.

        It is just so dense and intense and I always want ten minutes alone and a lie down after finishing a chapter. Which is absolutely a draw for some people! But woof. Not for me.

        1. Fabiofan*

          Hahaha, yes! I just cannot get over my dislike for Temoc and I also don’t enjoy prequels much so that wasn’t great.

          1. Wink the Book*

            Yeah, that was a big factor. But I also think I would have been more comfortable with the nuanced view LFS gave of him, and it would have made TRS more emotionally complex. Plus, as much as I enjoy how Gladstone just drops you in the world and metaphorically goes “Catch up.”, LFS feels a lot more introductory/slow roll on the action.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan. It’s the first book in a five book series, it was so good I read the whole series in two days. It’s written as the memoirs of a bluestocking noblewoman in a sort of pseudo-steampunk-Victorian world where dragons are real (as natural biological animals, not magic fantasy creatures) and she travels the world studying them. (Bonuses: Female main character, no sexual violence, fairly minimal other violence, and the dominant religion is recognizable as Judaism.)

    8. AY*

      Y’all love fantasy books! I’m going to note some of these for when my husband needs a new book.

      I’ll shout out some great nonfiction books here for variety. I read two excellent celebrity books this year, much to my surprise. Most celebrity books are awful. Year Book by Seth Rogan was an excellent audiobook experience that kept me and my husband laughing for hours. Me by Elton John was the ideal celebrity memoir: funny, honest, and dishy.

      On the history side, Candice Millard’s new book about the search for the source of the Nile was fascinating. All her books are just grand.

      And on the translated side, I absolutely adored An African in Greenland by Tete Michel Kpomassie, which was translated from the French. The title tells you exactly what the story is. I’ve never read a travel book quite like it: a man from a colonized country visiting a country colonized by someone else. That’s not to say that the book is dour–the narrator takes a great deal of joy in a new culture.

      1. Happy New Year!*

        I loved the first two books I read by Candice Millard (Destiny of the Republic and River of Doubt) but NOT Hero of the Empire (I might have enjoyed that more if I were British or South African).

        1. AY*

          I guess I shouldn’t say all her books are great because I haven’t read the Churchill one! Really enjoyed the other three though

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I love memoirs, haha. I agree on Elton John’s, it was excellent.

        Other memoirs I read this year: Harvey Fierstein’s “I Was Better Last Night” had a very similar reading style to “Me”, so might be worth a look. Val Kilmer’s “I’ll Be Your Huckleberry” (I think, something like that anyway) was good, and I also really enjoyed Jennifer Grey’s “Out of the Corner” – in particular, she had a section addressing the issues she and Patrick Swayze had working together on Dirty Dancing, and acknowledging her contribution to those issues and a really moving tribute (eulogy almost?) to him and the impact he had on her in the long run.

        1. ICodeForFood*

          “Out of the Corner” was great, and it made me then find the memoir “Master of Ceremonies” by Joe Gray (Jennifer Gray’s father)!

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And I actually just started reading the Candice Millard book (River of Gods?) yesterday!

    9. costello music*

      It’s a little melancholic and geared towards a younger audience (middle school-ish) but: “Everything Sad is Untrue” by Daniel Nayeri. It’s a sort of memoir, sort of fiction, stream of conscious. I don’t really know any popular media to compare it to, but it’s very nostalgic. He’s a refugee from Iran and he recounts his family history in a meandering way. Just finished it last night and the best read of the year for me by far.

      I started Brandon Sanderson’s Way of King series this past summer as well. I’m hoping my parents got me Oathbringer, #3, for Christmas which I’ll find out tonight. He’s definitely a much better writer than Robert Jordan.

    10. ICodeForFood*

      “The Premonition: A Pandemic Story” by Michael Lewis! Non-fiction VERY well-written, which made me really think about the CDC’s pandemic recommendations here in the U.S. One of the book’s blurbs said something like “I would read an 800-page history of the stapler if Michael Lewis wrote it,” and I have to say, I agree with that blurb!

    11. The Person from the Resume*

      Also read two wonderful queer memoirs just at the end of this year.

      Diary of A Misfit by Casey Parks which is actually about the author’s relationship with her mother and her hometown of in north Louisiana through the lens of her researching a documentary about a man AFAB who lived in a nearby town and was kind of / sort of accepted in his conservative, evangelical Christian community.

      And The Family Outing: A Memoir by Jessi Hempel which is the story of her extremely dysfunctional family which changed/repaired after Jessi came out as a lesbian, then her father came out as a gay man, her brother came out as a trans man, and her sister came out as bisexual. I wonder if this story of a dysfunctional family would appeal to Alison, although I think she usually recommends fiction about dysfunctional families.

    12. I am always tired*

      Fiction:
      Under Fortunate Stars, Ren Hutchins
      The Book Eaters, Sunyi Dean

      Fortunate Stars is a slightly pulpy science fiction novel I found via Scalzi’s Big Idea –– a spaceship gets stuck in a “pocket dimension” of space and encounters another ship, a legendary one from the distant past. Together the passengers of both ships work to escape the pocket dimension and reckon with their destiny.

      The Book Eaters is effectively a vampire novel, which I almost never read, but with a twist –– the central characters (mostly) consume books, instead of people. I loved the way it deals with themes of growing up and leaving behind a closed, restrictive community. Queer representation.

      Nonfiction:
      Collapse, Vladisov Zubok, about the fall of the Soviet Union post Gorbachev/Yeltsin .

      Runner up: The Peacekeeper, Blanchard. An Indigenous mystery novel set in an alternate version of North America which was never colonized. I had beef with some representation issues in the ending, but the world-building was delightful and compelling.

    13. Wilde*

      Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori Gottlieb – a semi autobiographical story that reads like general fiction. A therapist seeks therapy for herself after going through an unexpected breakup. Doesn’t shy away from the difficulties of life and ends on a hopeful note.

      The Crane Wife, CJ Hauser – autobiographical essays about the authors love life and the people she loves along the way. Beautifully challenging of Western the notion of marrying and settling down in your late 20s.

      Hide, Kiersten White – Hunger Games meets the Lottery. Absolutely smashed through it in a single day.

    14. Rosyglasses*

      Bruno Chief of Police – quaint French countryside mysteries. They always make me hungry though, so fair warning!

      The Dresden Files – series of fantasy focused around a wizard who is uncouth and always getting into more trouble than he should but written quite well, and also very snarky/ funny.

      The Mirror Visitor – a quartet in the sci-fi/fantasy realm that was translated from French and is a masterpiece of characters and worlds.

      Lastly, anything by NK Jemisin – I haven’t read all her works yet but have read two series and am starting a duology and she is someone to follow and admire.

    15. SarahKay*

      Fiction: A Gentleman In Moscow by Amor Towles. Starts in 1922 when Count Rostov is sentenced to house arrest in the hotel he’s living in at the time, and takes in about 30 years of Russian history. It’s a really lovely story and I zipped through it in a weekend.
      Non-fiction: Terry Pratchett – A Life With Footnotes. It’s the official biography given to me as a Christmas present a week ago, and it’s wonderful.

    16. Dancing Otter*

      I discovered Drew Hayes has a couple new volumes in his Fred the Vampire Accountant series, so I’m rereading the whole series. So funny! As a retired CPA, I admire how he carved out his market niche after getting his CPPA – the extra P is for Paranormal, and he solves tax issues for undead Americans, shapeshifters, and mages.

      Mercedes Lackey has two new novels out about the founding of Valdemar. Valdemar novels usually come in threes, so I’m looking forward to another soon. There is supposed to be a whole new Valdemar trilogy starting next year, too.

      Did someone here recommend “The Wizard’s Butler”? It’s certainly a different take on magic in daily life, from the viewpoint of an EMT making a career change. There’s a sequel planned, but the author has been ill.

    17. David*

      I think I’ve posted about it in an open thread here before (so I hope this isn’t beating a dead horse, as the saying goes) but I absolutely loved the Dragon Blood series (fantasy with some steampunk and romance elements thrown in) by Lindsay Buroker. It revitalized my interest in reading after years of not bothering to make the time for it.

      I’ll also share a couple of “meta-recommendations”, i.e. not books, but book tracking sites that also helped revitalize my interest in reading. The Story Graph is one that includes the progress tracking and reviewing features of Goodreads but also gives recommendations based on your existing reads, kind of along the lines of what Netflix does (did?) for movies and Pandora does for music. It’s clean and easy to use and I’m loving it so far. I also signed up for BookWyrm, which allows you to publish progress updates, ratings, and reviews in a way that other people can follow them from other sites (like Mastodon, the Twitter replacement-ish that’s been getting a lot of attention recently). That one I’ve had a bit more trouble with, although the idea seems neat.

    18. Veronica Mars*

      My favorite book of the year was These Precious Days by Ann Patchett. Just an amazing book of essays that made me laugh, cry, and wish she was my friend.

      Another favorite was The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches by Sangu Mandanna. A sweet, light romance about found family and bursting with kindness. Gave me big House in the Cerulean Sea vibes.

      I also adored Crampton Hodnet by Barbara Pym who I leaned about from Alison. So funny and enjoyable. I suggested it for one of my book clubs and everyone loved it.

  14. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Cat owners, any tips on securing cat trees for the kitten who is expected to hit 15 lbs fully grown? She’s 4 months and already 4 pounds, and she LOVES to climb and is taking flying leaps off the tree. It’s ok for now, but once she’s bigger physics is going to kick in and I’m really concerned that she’ll topple the tree. I’ve got a couple of months before its an issue but would prefer to stay ahead of it.

    She’s cute, and a good cuddler, and I’m really lucky that she prefers to sit next to me rather than on me. 15lbs is HEAVY.

    1. TX_Trucker*

      What’s the base of the cat tree? Ours was wood, but flimsy. We got a heavy piece of wood and just drilled the existing cat tree onto it. If it’s a tall cat tree, I think you could also secure it the wall in a similar fashion that heavy furniture is secured to studs to make it baby proof. But I haven’t tried that.

    2. Roland*

      Do you have any high quality pet stores nearby? My cats are that size and the trees they don’t knock over are solid wood, wide base, from a local brand that sells in the local chains. Very stable and as close to cat-proof as a tree can be. They’re not cheap but the investment is worth it imo if it’s in your budget.

      I also have a tree that I got on buynothing, and they do indeed knock it over multiple times a week when it’s time for food. I don’t mind because it’s small and light, with no sharp edges, and in a “safe” area by the couch. So that’s also an option tbh.

      (Anyone in the Seattle area, I highly recommend Scratch n Sniff trees, which you can find at All The Best and Mud Bay.)

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’m not sure, will look. I’m getting 5-6ft trees, so would prefer not to knock them over. The smaller elevated beds are different, they aren’t going to break things on the way down.

        1. Roland*

          Solid wood trees should be fine at that height if they have the weight and base to match. That’s about how big mine are.

    3. Not Australian*

      We’ve got ours on ‘Easy Riders’ (the lockable wheeled things you use for moving fridges, washing machines etc.) and it’s in a small alcove so it can’t go far. Manufacturers usually recommend anchoring the bigger cat trees to the wall so something like strong picture cord to a fixed hook would be suitable – or the metal hook and eye things you can buy for gates.

    5. mreasy*

      We have one secured to the wall with L-hooks, and the other we set up in a corner so that it couldn’t topple. (Our big guy is 16 lbs so we definitely have to make sure they’re secure.)

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I have two big cat trees, they seem to be pretty secure. I have three cats, two of which are over 14lb.
      Look for the xl cat tree on Chewy, and look at the measurements. I miscalculated ones, and now we have a small cat tree that hides upstairs and cats don’t use it.

    7. Belle*

      You might consider checking out New Cat Condos. They are an online company that makes great, affordable and sturdy cat tree houses. We bought two and are highly impressed and they have worked well for our larger cat.

  15. Goose*

    Tw: weight loss and disordered eating
    .
    .
    .
    My father asked me to congratulate my mother on her weight loss. Has she lost weight? I can’t tell. She’s been crash dieting since I can remember. This round is Optavia (SlimFast with an MLM twist). I’ve already mentioned to my mom my concern about this diet and she was very defensive. She’s a grown woman who can do as she likes, but I hate to comment on something I know she’s going to be upset about when she puts the weight back on. Do I push down my own feelings and tell her she looks thinner?

    1. Generic Name*

      Yiiikes. Why is your dad asking you to do this? If you have health concerns about this diet, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to be all positive about it.

    2. TX_Trucker*

      I would never comment on someone’s weight under any circumstances. If you think she looks healthier (or not), you could probably mention that. You look great, not sure what’s different. Or the opposite. You look tired/pale/etc, is there anything I can do to help you.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’d probably say, “Wow, mom, you look so beautiful, your haircut is so flattering and I love that outfit on you,” but I don’t think I’d imply, “I support your crash dieting and prefer a smaller version of your body.”

    3. Liminality*

      In my ups and downs of body composition I have asked my loved ones to ignore that I have a physical presence all together. They are welcome to comment on something if it is a choice I have made, e.g. hairstyle, article of clothing, makeup, etc, but otherwise I am an amorphous cloud with no physical dimensions to be observed or discussed.

      Maybe you can adapt that approach with your mom? Don’t force yourself into outright lies, but maybe you can offer the occasional compliment on her outfit or another recent activity/choice?

    4. Not A Manager*

      Is there a reason in your family that if your father asks you to do or say something, that it is very difficult and costly not to do that thing? Because in general, I would just… not say anything if it makes you uncomfortable?

      If your father raises it again, you could tell him that actually, this diet concerns you because you think it’s unsafe, and you while you would never try to control your mother’s eating habits, you don’t really want to get involved in reinforcing this one. You could also mention her history of gaining the weight back and say that you think she looks great at any weight and you don’t want her to think otherwise.

    5. E*

      Yeah I think it would be great to model for your parents NOT discussing weight/bodies! Complimenting things your mom does — works hard, maybe made something delicious for your family meal, etc would hopefully feel more authentic and aligned with your values as well as help build up her self-esteem

    6. LG*

      I think the conversation you need to have is with your father, since he’s the one who’s asking you to do this. Tell him your concerns about her constant dieting, and how you don’t want to reinforce her idea that she needs to lose weight.

    7. FashionablyEvil*

      I would side step it entirely: “It’s so great to talk to you!” or “I am so happy to see you!” or “It’s wonderful to be together again!”

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Hmm, I think you have a couple of options. 1) Say “No dad, I’m worried about this diet, don’t think it’s good for her and it would be obviously insincere. If you want to congratulate her, you do it.” 2) Start complimenting the things she can actually control and which are about her taste. Like when she looks particularly chic, say “you look great”. Then, when dad pesters you again just brush it off with: “I’m always telling her she looks great”. 3) Make him feel heard (and satisfy some curiosity) by asking why he wants you to do this. Fall silent for like two to three seconds with your head tilted to one side and then say “I’ll consider it”. Then, do whatever you want.

  16. Goose*

    Hoping to get my phone out of my bedroom in the new year (I live in a studio so it’s metaphorical.) I spend way way too much time futzing around the internet, and while time limits have helped they’re not a perfect solution so I’m going cold turkey.

    My biggest problem is I enjoy reading fan fic in bed, which I can really only get on my phone or computer. Any suggestions?

      1. Roland*

        My suggestion as well, as long as it’s an e-ink device and not just an underpowered tablet. AO3 provides downloads in any format you might need.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I love my eReader for reading before bed – it can’t be used for multi-tasking, and is front-lit rather than black lit, so it’s easier on my eyes (ie, more like a book and less like a computer).

        2. Sloanicota*

          Right. I don’t think most people realize this, but you can export from Ao3 as an epub or I think a pdf (?) and load that onto your ereader. As long as the ereader isn’t the kind that’s backlit, it should be better for pre-bed wind down. Just do the authors a favor and don’t later upload that PDF anywhere else – if you want to share the fic, link to it!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          should do! There’s a computer app called “Send to Kindle” you can download from Amazon that will send PDFs or epubs to your Kindle library, or if you go to “Manage your Content and Devices” on Amazon, and select Devices > (your Paperwhite), it will give you an email address that you can send files to that will load them onto that device.

        2. SaltedChocolateChip*

          You can also use the Paperwhite browser with AO3 and download directly — it took me a few frustrating and slow tries but it did work eventually!

    2. RedinSC*

      Is it to limit screen time for a healthier sleep schedule? Because you could print out the fanfic, and have a ” book” to read before bed?

    3. Observer**

      In addition, a couple of thoughts.

      Firstly, whatever else you are doing, if you don’t have night mode enabled, do that.

      Secondly, set your phone to automatically go into DND (ie NOTHING comes through – no notifications at all, even visual ones) at a certain time around your bed time. This way even if your phone is physically there, it’s going to be a lot less in your face.

    4. Kara B Good*

      Get a Kobo, NOT a Kindle. You can dl the fanfic from AO3 (and occasionally ff.net when Fanfiction Dolwnloader is updated) and load it on there. EInk devices are not easy to browse on, and you can just read and do that. Kobo is still having a sale if I recall.

      I say Not A Kindle because you have to do a bunch of other steps, and with a Kobo, you just drag/drop files no problem.

  17. Jackalope*

    Reading thread: what is everyone reading right now?

    I’m currently rereading the Elemental Blessings series by Sharon Shinn. I love the idea behind the world she created here, and I enjoy her writing a lot. I just started book 3 out of 4.

    1. Jessica*

      I’m reading the Vorkosigan saga, and I’m pretty sure it was recommendations here that put it on my list, so thank you all! I’m several books in now, definitely enjoying it and looking forward to all the rest.

      1. Girasol*

        I love those books! Miles is one of my favorite heroes. And if you haven’t reached the dinner scene in A Civil Campaign, you’re in for a treat.

    2. Happy New Year!*

      I received four books by Toni Morrison for Christmas and started in on Home. Wanted to read more of it that I did yesterday, but tried to get some other things done around the house!

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m thinking about which book to start next, and it looks like it might be Women Talking by Miriam Toews. It should be available as an ebook on Libby through my library card, and I just saw there’s a film based on it coming out in February, so I’d better read it soon.

      So far, all 3 books I’ve read by her have been excellent, especially All My Puny Sorrows.

    5. Girasol*

      I’m letting Libby expand my horizons from my favorite sci fi. Top of the list this week is Before We Were Yours, a novel based on historic facts about poor siblings in the south snatched from the their parents to be sold.

    6. Sitting Pretty*

      I’m about 3/4 of the way through The Sentence by Louise Erdrich and it’s kind of blowing me away. I haven’t read her in the past few years and she’s gotten even more talented.

    8. Bluebell*

      Thanks to multiple recommendations from this group, I read Small Game by Blair Braverman and thought it was great. Gave up on I Can’t find my Toes, and am now reading The It Girl by Ruth Ware.

    9. Cookie*

      I’m reading Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel, and DANG, I really like it. I dare not sit down for a few minutes because I’ll start reading again.

    10. Workerbee*

      Thank you for the Elemental recommendation! I just read the first book and have cued up the second (thank goodness they are available on Libby). I have to say I’d love another dedicated book to Zoe and Darien, but I’ll let the other characters have their time to shine.

    11. Jazz and Manhattans*

      My favorite book this year is The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. Absolutely fabulous concept!

    12. carcinization*

      Finally reading McGuire’s Seasonal Fears. I asked for it for Christmas from my mom, but as she only got me one of the handful of books I asked for, I ordered it for myself on Christmas evening. I’m realizing I forgot most of Middlegame, the prior book!

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      Just finished This is How It always Is by Laurie Frankel, and even though it’s a novel, it’s the one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read.
      Also just finished Chuck Klosterman’s book The Nineties, which I found thought provoking but also a little snobby.
      I’ve started The Death of Vivek Oji and a Biography of the Brontes.

    14. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      Scored a copy of R. K. Huang’s Babel and am enjoying it very much. Especially because it deals with the thing I can’t talk about on weekend open threads! There’s also a small TBR stack next to my bed and A Spectre, Haunting—the latest from China Miéville—in my lunch bag for the ride home.

  18. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread: what is everyone playing? As usual, all kinds of games are welcome.

    I just spent most of my day playing Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. I’ve gotten most of the grinding accomplished that I want to do before I finish the game. Still a tiny bit more, but I’m almost there! I’m playing old battles but am at the point where my next new fight will be the final battle.

    1. DarthVelma*

      I’m actually cleaning up and organizing our gaming space this weekend. We got a couple new storage solutions and I’m hoping to deal with the over-flow of game boxes stacked on the floor. Once that’s done…who knows what we might get up to.

    2. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      I finished Yakuza 6 this week. Ugly crying with a side order of tableflip at that ending. And now I’ve started 7 and it’s great. Ichiban is such a dweeb. I’ve been saying Kiryu is 18 WIS 3 INT and Majima is the other way around but Ichi is 3 in both with 18 CHA. He is so pure of heart and SO dumb of ass and I love him.

    3. Little beans*

      I don’t usually play video games but my spouse introduced me to Fallout 4 and I am loving the element of discovering places and building settlements. We’ve been playing all winter break!

      1. Squeebird*

        I’m playing Fallout 4 as well right now for the umpteenth time. It’s (weirdly?) my comfort game.

        Building settlements is like playing post-apocalyptic Sims and I’m very much here for it.

    4. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      We tried Wingspan and it was very complicated and we messed it all up the first time, lol. But I think we’ll like it once we figure it out a bit more.

      My son is playing Horizon Zero Dawn and I am just watching along, but I like the art style and the story is pretty interesting. My husband is playing Civ 6 on the Steam Deck and I will once it’s my turn.

    5. Free Meerkats*

      With the release of Dragonflight, I decided to start a new Troll Hunter and play up to the new content. I’ve been playing Classic, so need to relearn all my muscle memory, so starting from scratch. Right now really annoyed that after going to all the trouble to ge capture Pitch so I would have a black lion to go with my white lion, Echeyakee, but he doesn’t summon black, just the normal tawnee.

      1. Ella Kate (UK)*

        Oh no, that sounds like a bug with Pitch! That sucks.

        And oh god I hear you about relearning muscle memory – I’m playing Disc Priest in Wrath (aka my favourite Priest era ever) and Evoker DPS in Dragonflight which is confusing the heck out of me sometimes switching between the two games haha.

        How are you finding retail?

        1. Free Meerkats*

          I’ve been playing WoW since the early vanilla days and like that the levelling is so much faster. I had forgotten that there was So. Much. Running. in Classic. With retail you get a mount early on and flying as Level 30. I don’t like so much that the mobs level with you. I miss going into the low level dungeons with a high level character to gather gear for a low-level toon or for mats for crafting.

    6. Random Bystander*

      Playing through my Geneforge series again. I *love* those games. (If you like eye candy in games, these are not the games for you; if you like complex moral dilemmas, check them out.) Geneforge 1 was recently re-mastered (Geneforge: Mutagen — you can find this on GOG or Steam), and I believe he’s getting close to doing Geneforge 2 re-master.

    7. Generic Name*

      I got 3 games for Christmas. Mille Bournes, Othello (wish they’d change the racist name), and Wingspan. I’m excited to learn Wingspan. It looks super complicated but it’s also impossibly adorable.

    8. Lucien Nova*

      I’ve recently upgraded my CPU, so all the things!

      (Mostly PowerWash Simulator to be honest, and sinking a fair bit of time into Tower of Fantasy, but I’ve also obtained a few Resident Evil games off the Steam sale which I’ll be streaming…)

    9. allathian*

      I just hit level 10K playing Homescape…

      My son got a puzzle mat for Christmas, so we’ll get back to doing puzzles again soon.

  19. The Prettiest Curse*

    I’ve had the song Jump Around by House of Pain stuck in my head for the entire festive season (sorry if reading this means it’s now stuck in yours) and it made me realise that, like a lot of holiday songs, it’s not that good but it’s very entertaining. (The best example of this is probably Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End) by The Darkness.)

    So, what’s your favourite piece of mediocre but entertaining pop culture?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Wait, Jump Around is a holiday song?

      I enjoy a lot of terrible movies – Jason X (like Friday the Thirteenth Jason, IN SPACE) is a big one, it is absolutely schlock and I normally hate horror movies AND comedies but for some reason I love this one and just cackle through the whole thing.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I was curious and googled it, as it was playing at the New Year’s party I’ve just been to, and I thought back to this comment.

        I found that it seems to be popular on St. Patrick’s Day, but no associations to the December festive season, unless I’ve not looked hard enough!

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Grey’s Anatomy. It has its moments of quality but is mostly just a high budget soap opera of nonsense trying very hard to be “deep.” I don’t watch it regularly anymore but every couple years I go back and watch the seasons I haven’t seen yet

    3. Felis alwayshungryis*

      I love Don’t Let the Bells End! The video is very good too, in the cheesy way it’s meant to be.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yeah, the video is so gloriously cheesy. They threw everything including the kitchen sink into that song!

  20. Cadbury Purple*

    I have a new partner – yay! He’s wonderful.
    I’m currently at home with my mum for a few weeks, and I can’t help noticing how much more frequently she mentions my long-term ex-boyfriend. She likes New Partner, and liked Ex but was (rightly) concerned about about some of the ways in which he treated me. Occasionally it’s comparison (“New Partner doesn’t seem to do Y like Ex did”) but a lot of the time it’s:

    “Ex taught me how to cook this dish”
    “Ex’s Grandma used to like that”
    “Didn’t Ex’s sister used to do that?”

    I don’t mind – it was just a part of my life, and that part is over now – but find it amusing how noticeable it is! Presumably the presence of my partner is triggering those associations for her because I’m quite sure it’s not intentional. Anyone else ever noticed anything similar?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Aww, it sounds like don’t-mentionitis, when you can’t stop bringing something up that you know you aren’t supposed to talk about, because it’s on your mind 24/7. Hopefully it will fade with nerves and when she has more memories with New Partner.

    2. Might Be Spam*

      It’s hard not to mention my daughter’s ex, because he was involved with our family for a long time and got merged into the family history, along with distant cousins. Also, the holidays are triggering “do you remember when” memories.

      My daughter has a new boyfriend and I have to stop myself calling him by the ex’s name, because it’s an ingrained habit. It doesn’t help that he looks a bit like her ex and I’m faceblind, so I go by body type and environmental context instead of faces.

    3. Generic Name*

      Ugh, I was married for 17 years, and I definitely went through this with myself. Like everything somehow related back to That Guy. Which makes sense because I was with him for a really long time. I had to train myself to say “I” instead of “we” or say “son’s grandpa” rather than “Ex’s dad”. So instead of saying “when we moved to City” I made myself say “when I moved to City”. Or even if I’m telling a story, where the identity of the protagonist does t really matter, I’ll say “a friend” when it really was my ex husband. It took a long time, but now it’s much easier to naturally not relate everything back to my prior relationship.

    4. allathian*

      Not really, but then, I was single for 8 years between the end of my first serious relationship, and meeting my husband. I did go on a few casual dates and had a couple FWB arrangements while I was single, but my mom never knew about those.

      My MIL, who’s sharp as a tack otherwise, sometimes gets my SIL and my son mixed up. My SIL’s almost 40, but because she’s never dated and doesn’t have any kids, it’s as if she isn’t really an independent adult in my MIL’s mind.

  21. 魚の目 Fish Eye!*

    Quick question (I hope)

    I am trying to order my first set of Custom Readers, and I am putting in all my optometrist’s recommendations, including blue light filtering. Well, the vendor wants to know if I want to purchase polychromatic lenses. They are the same price as the plain blue light filtering lenses, but as I don’t wear glasses on a regular basis, I have never used them.

    My question is, is it worth it to get that option in Readers? I can see getting that in glasses that I would wear all the time but, hmmm. Suddenly I am trying to remember how often I read outdoors at the pool. I am worried even if I did wear them to read outside, having them darken on me whether I like it or not, may be annoying. Or could it be a boon?

    So, I ask the more experienced among us, is there anything in particular that I should consider? Any hard yeses or nos? Anyone actually do this, or wish they had? Regrets?

    Or is the idea just ridiculous? How about getting Reading Sunglasses? Is that a thing?

    Thank you for your input!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have the shifting tint on my regular glasses and I love it – the place I notice it most is when I come back inside and it takes a minute to fade out, and that won’t be an issue with readers I wouldn’t think since you’d presumably have taken them off before walking around?

    2. Happy New Year!*

      Bifocal sunglasses is a thing! They can have lines (cheaper and for me work OK since I don’t use the same range of vision with my sunglasses) or be a progressive bifocal. They are great for things like when I am riding in the car but also navigating.

    3. Bluebell*

      I have bifocal sunglasses and love them. Got them from readers.com and I use them for summer. Definitely worth it.

    4. WestsideStory*

      Bifocal sunglasses are great. I use them for skiing – can’t read without glasses so they are also useful for the beach!

    5. zaracat*

      Reading sunglasses is an awesome idea. One thing to be aware of if you read a lot of ebooks, polarised lenses can cause problems reading some screens (fixed if you rotate screen by 90˚ but this may not be as comfortable to hold), or the glasses may just be too dark to see the screen in bright, glary conditions

    6. run mad; don't faint*

      I have polychromatic lenses on my bifocals, and I love them. I wear my glasses constantly and wanted something as all purpose as possible so I didn’t have to switch between pairs. I occasionally wish they got a bit darker when I’m outside, but that’s about it.

  22. Anono-me*

    Does anyone know if I can tip with a restaurant gift card?
    For example, if we received a $100 gift card for Swanky Restaurant and are bill comes to $80; Can we tip the $20 balance on the card or does it shortchange the server somehow?

    Thanks and Happy 23!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      You’d probably want to ask the restaurant specifically but I’ve been able to tip with the gift card at several chains, including Red Lobster/Olive Garden and Red Robin.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I would ask your server. Have only been in this situation once. I asked the server, and he was very happy to take the balance on the gift card for his tip.

    2. Squidhead*

      I’ve been able to do it in places where I actually pay at the terminal, not sure about if the server brings the bill to your table and all you do is sign a receipt. The terminal is usually some type of tablet device and the tip is entered before the transaction is finalized. You could call and ask the restaurant ahead of time if you don’t want to awkwardly ask the server who will be receiving the tip! (Even still, I might make sure I had some cash just in case there’s not enough left on the card after taxes, etc.)

    3. WestsideStory*

      Noooo please. Tip your server in cash. If there’s money left on your gift card use it some other time for a quick cocktail or second occasion. It’s been a tough few years for a lot of folks who are still trying to catch up on their debts after being laid off from their serving jobs for months.

      Also realistically if it’s a fine restaurant the bill is going to top $100 easily. This gift was meant for you to treat yourselves – live in the moment and pay that generosity forward, and have a happy new year!

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        Doesn’t the server get the tip either way? Why do you think tips have to be in cash? I haven’t tipped in cash if I’m not paying with cash since….ever, I think. I don’t use cash often at all.

        1. WestsideStory*

          We have tons of friends in the hospitality business. A cash tip means your server can actually get the money or at least a part of the pool, if tips are pooled, and will have cash in hand that day to cover tomorrow’s gas or food bill. When tips are pooled electronically there is often a temptation for the establishment to skim, hold back, or delay the tip money.

          In some U.S. states, wages for servers are under $3 per hour. But your server at a high end restaurant may still have pressing needs and cash is always appreciated.

          1. WestsideStory*

            FY, Mr Westside almost always pays a restaurant bill with a credit card – he’s big on collecting those triple points in his card loyalty program. But whether he or I are paying a bill, we always tip in cash.

        2. Hello Sweetie*

          We pretty much only use cash for tipping – everything else is on a card, but tips go in cash and we go out of our way to have cash in hand when dining out. When you tip on a credit card, the restaurant can deduct the fee from the tip. And when you tip in cash, servers can tip out and actually leave with cash in hand that day/night instead of waiting for a few days for whatever is pooled electronically.

    5. Unicornucopia*

      At the restaurant I work at, you can definitely tip the remainder of the gift card, though generally people spend more than would be on the gift card so this doesn’t come up often. We would have the remainder printed out so you’d know how much is left (if any) and it’s kind of a process whenever people use gift cards anyway but you could def list that amount as your tip just as you would if paying by credit/debit card to begin with. This is a local group but I would imagine any large chain would have a similar process.

    6. Maggie*

      Depends on the restaurant. The one I worked at wouldn’t let people do this so all gift cards customers just left $0 tip.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I can understand the logistics might be difficult, but they should really do whatever it takes to fix it so customers can tip on the card … tipping in the US is so high that the entire point of giving a gift card (“I’m giving you a free meal on me!”) is undercut if it turns out the recipient needs to pony up 20% or more in my area. That’s no longer a great gift. I hate when companies make gift cards into scams, like excluding certain popular products or whatever. They’re already getting literally free cash that many customers aren’t going to use! Plus how many people come in and end up buying even more than the card allows – and that’s not enough for them??

    7. Dreaming of daffodils*

      Agreed—depends on the restaurant! Local pub has robust gift card usage but doesn’t allow for tips to be pulled from gift cards, so we cash tip.

  23. Pet Health Care*

    Question: In the Before Times, when you had an animal and you called the vet to get it seen, were they … able to get it seen? I got my dog during covid and as a “first time” dogmom, I don’t always know what’s normal or not. The internet will tell you to call the vet for everything under the sun. However, my vet can never get me in before two weeks, even when the symptom is something like ear infection that can’t wait two weeks. They’ll tell you if you need something sooner, you must go to the animal hospital, which is about an hour from my house and very, very expensive. It’s like an ER in that you’ll be waiting a long time. I have also tried calling around to other vets, but they all seem to be in the same boat in my area. Was it always this way?

    1. Missb*

      It has been harder to get an appointment but my vet is usually able to squeeze me in. There are certain things they can’t deal with there and will direct folks to call an emergency vet.

      One of my pups has a limp. It showed up after a week-long beach trip where said pup ran like he was a young pup again. We thought he’d pulled something so allowed quite a few weeks to elapse. Once we decided he should be seen, they found a spot within 2 days- perfectly acceptable. When he needed at least a puppy calm kit to get X-rays, they rescheduled for another 3 weeks out- again, perfectly acceptable for a non-emergency thing. The X-rays need to be read by a radiologist- that adds another week because it’s a small vet clinic.

      When a sibling was out of town, their dog was injured. Their pet sitter called me, and together we worked on getting sibling’s pup to a vet. I called my vet’s office for advice and that helped me to focus on getting the pup to an emergency vet- they’d need surgery. Not something my vet could do- they’re there for vaccinations and treatment of non-emergency conditions. It’s like preventative care- you go to your primary care physician but they can’t do everything so will send you out to a specialist or to urgent care/ER depending on what is happening. Pretty much the same for a dog.

      Also, the pandemic resulted in a lot of folks adopting pets. That created a much higher demand on vet services. Perhaps in the before time a vet was more willing to be the first stop. But ours still didn’t do emergency surgery back then. I think it’s just more obvious now, because they don’t even have time to schedule you in for a quick look.

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      It varied a lot by vet. We were generally able to get our pups seen the same day as long as we called before mid-afternoon. We had to use the emergency vet a few times when the dogs got sick or injured at night when our vet wasn’t open, but I don’t ever remember having to do that during the vet’s usual office hours. At least a few nights a week they were open until 8:00 PM.

      Both my husband’s sibs are vets and so I know a bit more than I otherwise would about the economics of veterinary medicine which are, in a word, dismal. Vets incur as much educational debt as MDs and don’t make anywhere near our salary, for the most part, and since many run their own business their costs for energy and insurance and everything else needed to keep the lights on have gone up as you’d expect in the past two years. In the US, vet schools have had a majority of women students for at least 20 years, and far more women than men either cut back or left the workforce entirely due to childcare issues during the pandemic. We no longer have dogs so I don’t know if our vet still has same-day appointments available. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      No, it sounds like you’re being affected by the shortage in vets and vet techs in your area as well. Prior to covid our vet never had a problem getting us in to be seen in 1-2 days, and the animal hospital would be for true emergencies outside of clinic hours that absolutely couldn’t wait. But most places are suffering right now and vets are hugely overwhelmed, lacking the capacity for those last-minute appointments.

    4. I don't know who I am*

      No, it wasn’t. I used to be able to always get a same day appointment if needed, or next day or two if needs seeing but not super urgent. Now it’s book weeks ahead. I do have a few other vets that I want to go take a look at to see if they’re any better but it’s hard, I’ve been with my vet since they first opened up the practice about 20 years ago and they used to be amazing.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Also, I can’t just call around to other vets and get my dog treated for something like an ear infection – they’ll say he needs to be a patient and come in for a wellness exam first or something, in my experience. They also (understandably) try to priviledge clients over random walk-ins. Otherwise I’d just have two or three vets on call and go to whichever one has a spot.

    5. Stephanie*

      No, in my experience (25 plus years of dog motherhood), it wasn’t always this way. Covid changed so many things, and it seems like same day vet appointments for more immediate needs is one of them. I hate it, but it just seems like this is how it is now. (I don’t think that my vet’s office likes that it’s this way, either. I think they’re just busier.) We had a 4 month wait for an appointment with a canine cardiac specialist, and then another 4 month wait for a dental cleaning for one of our dogs. (We had to get clearance from the cardiologist before we could schedule the cleaning.)

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My vet is, I think, a relatively large practice, with something like seven actual veterinarians and three locations, two smaller satellite offices and one actual veterinary hospital. So they always have one vet at each smaller office and two at the hospital with scheduled appointments, plus a third at the hospital for emergencies or to help out, as far as I can tell. I have a primary vet that I take my critters to for scheduled visits, and if I need a more impromptu visit I might not be able to see THAT vet, but I’ve never called them and had them tell me they couldn’t see me within a day or two, and once I didn’t even call them first, my 4 month old puppy had a fever and wouldn’t eat or walk and I just scooped her up and went straight to the hospital, and they saw her on the spot. But I think if I was with a smaller vet practice that only had one or two vets and wasn’t a legit animal HOSPITAL, it would probably be more like what you’re describing.

    7. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Definitely a covid effect. More people got pets, and more vets retired because of the stress, so the clinics are all overworked. Last year all the emergency clinics were so full that they closed for a few days and told everyone to drive to another city hours away. That was scary! My dogs are well behaved off-leash but I walked them leashed that week because I couldn’t risk an injury if they chased a rabbit.

      You can do some things to help, for example if the ears are itchy you can put a bit of mineral oil and squish it around the ear. It won’t resolve an infection but I do it as soon as they start to itch and that seems to help with the immediate symptoms. I can make an appointment for two weeks away as soon as problems appear and then cancel closer to the day if it resolves. I don’t want to cancel constantly but the vets here overbook and plan on cancelations so they don’t mind if done with a few days notice.

      You can ask about a waiting list for cancelled spots. My local vet doesn’t have that, they laughed and then explained about overbooking, but it’s worth asking.

      I hope this resolves in the next year or two. Rescues are struggling to adopt out dogs, whereas previous to covid in my area the dogs were all in high demand, so I’m also hoping that adoptions will return to normal in a couple years at most.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, sadly this is what I end up doing – googling home remedies and trying things like that. I’m sure in some cases there’s minor benefit and most of the time it’s either not helpful or possibly harmful! I also try to stock up on any meds I get, or even ask for extra, so I have something to offer the next time the exact same thing happens. It’s really frustrating and I feel so bad for my poor dog.

    8. Flower necklace*

      It might depend on the location or the practice. I take my cat to a chain (Banfield). About a year ago, they discovered he had a condition (hypercalcemia) that requires medication and fluids. Since the diagnosis, he’s been back and forth to the vet on a regular basis for fluids (every 1-2 weeks) and checks for his calcium levels (every few months). His appointments are made 1-2 weeks in advance, and I haven’t had any issue getting him in. However, I also go to a location that’s a bit further from my apartment because they are larger and have weekend hours.

    9. ThatGirl*

      We never had problems getting our dog in. Granted we live in a major metro area, but we were always able to get in same day if it seemed urgent or within a day or two if not. He died a year ago and toward the end they saw him very regularly. The only thing was they had somewhat limited hours for nights and weekends, but we had emergency options nearby too.

    10. KatEnigma*

      Not always- so I switched to a Vet that could.

      After the second time our puppy had all the signs of a UTI, we called first thing in the morning, and their recommendation was the emergency animal hospital, where, as you say, everything costs a ton more. That was in Milwaukee.

      And then we moved and THAT vet would send us the notice that vaccinations were due, I’d call the very day I got the notice, and they couldn’t get us in for over a month, past the time they were due, leaving me so I wouldn’t have been able to keep a scheduled boarding reservation. The new vet got us in the next day… That was BFE adjacent, so not a ton of options (3 vets total in an area of 70+k)

      Even since Covid, we’re getting the animals in the same day or maybe 1-2 days later in the greater Houston area.

      1. KatEnigma*

        And for reference, the problem in Milwaukee was in 2015, BFE was 2019 and only got worse with the one in 2020, and Houston is current. (we tried out ONE vet that had a long lead time, but that wasn’t even the worse thing about that vet, so immediately looked for better)

          1. KatEnigma*

            “Bum ‘effing’ Egypt” – the middle of nowhere. In this case, it was a larger town with all the essential services that was a magnet for the real middle of nowhere.

    11. On the beach*

      It must be an area/region thing. Even in the last few months, I’ve been able to get into my vet the next day for appointments, and in the case of one animal needing an antibiotic injection (for a test result that came back as infection positive) I was able to take them in the same day.

      1. Cormorannt*

        I’m in the Chicago suburbs and similar experience, next day or same day appointment when they need prompt attention. It might help that we had been using the same vet for years already when the Covid crunch hit. I did have to take my dog to a specialist vet on referral from my regular vet for a more serious condition. It took over a month to get him in, and that was with calling every day to see if there were cancellations.

        1. KatEnigma*

          The other problem in Chicagoland is costs, though.. I have a friend who goes back and forth between ND and Chicago and after she got a puppy, arranged all the Vet care in ND, because the costs in Chicago, at least her upper class corner of it, were 4x’s the amount in ND- and ND is generally NOT that much cheaper on anything, because of transportation costs and labor shortages that go back to way before Covid.

      2. Cookie*

        I had to call around when I got my cat to find someone who could see him the same day for an urgent condition. ONE vet in my smallish city could see pets the same day – cheaper than the emergency vet clinic but not as reasonably priced as my regular vet. It was worth it, because the cat was projectile vomiting and I was worried he’d get dehydrated. The urgent nature of that day prompted my regular vet to open an appointment about a week and a half later for a follow-up check and discussion. I did call about a dozen places to find someone who could see the cat immediately. I know how understaffed clinics are (my friend is a vet tech) so I was grateful for that emergent care and for my own vet’s efforts to see me.

        My vet emails me at like 8:30 at night to answer questions, give directions, etc. She is working her tail off! No pun intended.

    12. djc*

      It wasn’t always this way. Like other industries, vet care is dealing with staff shortages. My vet had to send out a notice saying they won’t be dealing with abusive behavior from clients, so it’s a really tough industry. My vet does offer drop-off appointments in some cases, so you could check with some places to see if that is an option.

    13. Rara Avis*

      We have a long-standing (20+ years) relationship with our vet and they can usually squeeze in an emergency appointment. However, our cat got an ear infection on Thanksgiving and when we called on Friday they said they couldn’t see him until Tuesday and we should probably go to the emergency vet instead. When he got an abscess a week later they were able to fit him in, so maybe it was just the holiday.

      I have heard that lots of vets in my area are not taking new patients.

    14. sewsandreads*

      I typically don’t take my dog to the vet for small things, so we don’t go often beyond her check ups. However, I just had to take her earlier in the week and they got me in the next day! It wasn’t even a particularly serious issue that needed emergency care (following up a previous concern I had). My neck of the woods had it pretty easy with COVID and we stopped restrictions pretty early on.

    15. Squeebird*

      Definitely. I used to be able to get an appointment the same or next day for fairly minor things. Earlier this year one of my dogs cut his arm open quite badly on some broken glass and it looked bad enough to need stitches. My vet apologetically told me that they wouldn’t be able to see him for several weeks and to take him to the emergency vet if it got infected.

    16. Former Retail Manager*

      Long time cat lady here with a brood of them, as well as a dog. 2 weeks for an appointment is not normal in my area. I am in North Texas in a large metropolitan area with plenty of vets. My vet has always been able to get them in within a couple of days of my phone call and they are open 6 days a week. Mind you, if an animal needs to go to the vet, I have the ability to rearrange my schedule and basically take any appointment they offer me. Also, many emergency vets run unnecessary tests so they can charge you for them. I’ve been unimpressed on the few occasions I have used them. And I never got out for under $1,000.

      I’d suggest looking at vet recommendations online (google reviews, Nextdoor, Facebook) or seeking a personal recommendation. When you call to book your dog with the new vet ask the staff how long on average to get an animal in for an appointment when issues arise. If you don’t like their answer or demeanor, keep calling around.

      Also, experience has told me that loyalty pays off. All of my vet’s staff knows either me or my husband and frankly, they make a fair amount of money from us, so when we call, I do think they may be willing to go slightly above and beyond for us. But don’t choose a vet for this reason only. If you have to “shop around” a bit until you find a good fit, do that.

    17. Random Bystander*

      It’s definitely gotten harder in my town, but that’s because there’s one vet who closed practice completely (that was going to be my vet, who was retiring, but then he got someone who bought the practice)–so now there’s not much choice (there is one other vet, but he’s way out in the boonies and honestly, I don’t like that practice).

      Even so, my vet is working on holding a few “urgent” slots open, so if you call first thing on a day, you have a shot of getting seen that day. Of course, I have cats–and cats are notorious for hiding their symptoms until it is bad.

      I’m just grateful that I was able to get the cats in on a same-day basis when I was working on spaying for my TNR project–I might have set the trap out for days before I got the catch I was after (both due to wiliness of the cats and due to my limited budget, I was not neutering the toms–when the budget is limited, you get much better results by spaying the females), but once I had the cat in a trap, I could call, bring her in, and get the spay done (since these were quite feral, they usually had to be spayed same day because they did *not* do well in cages).

    18. ShinyPenny*

      In my experience, it’s new since Covid– and it’s awful. I’ve been with my vet since 2009, and I adore her, and she understands and works with my dog’s mental health issues.
      I just called for an appointment, and was given January 31st.
      My worst fear is that my sweet senior dog may be developing bloat, and what if I can’t find an emergency hospital able to help us? I lost a dog to bloat years ago, and the only grace was that the emergency hospital was waiting for us, and ready to help the instant we arrived (I called before leaving home).
      I’m currently trying to reconcile myself to potentially finding no help at all if that happens with this pup. It’s pretty horrifying.
      Earlier this year my dog tore a nail halfway off, and I called all ten of the emergency hospitals that are realistically close enough for me to get to. Every single one was fully booked for the entire night– and I started calling at 6 pm. Some said it sounded surgical, and that their emergency surgery openings were already booked for the entire night. One said we could “hold a place in line” by sitting in our car in their parking lot, and MAYBE get seen at 2 am, but only if we were actually in their parking lot for the entire 8 hours. (Not an option for us, as the acute car phobia would be adding vomit and diarrhea to our problems.) Many just had an answering machine saying they were full for the night.
      We were fortunate that there was a cancellation (I called through the list again). But also, this wasn’t a life threatening issue– it was “just” painful and bloody. Maybe a more serious issue would have changed things? Except I was explicitly being told “There is no space,” not “We are triaging you to the back of the line.”
      And, just for comparison, my *expectation* going into the bloody foot episode (based on 30+ years of having beloved dogs) was that my regular vet clinic would have SOMEONE who could see us before their 8:30 closing time that night (there are 5 vets on staff) to at least assess and stabilize. I knew Covid had changed things, but this was over the summer and I wrongly assumed things had gotten back to normal.
      So, yes. If this vet-care scarcity seems weird to you, it does to me as well. It’s definitely not the old normal, and it is pretty awful.

  24. WellRed*

    Ethics question, roommates: I’m not the property owner nor are there any leases involved. I had someone move in Dec. 19. I told her I was looking for someone who’d be sticking around for a year (life happens, I know) because I wasn’t sure her plans (partial relocation to my state due to family stuff) but she’s assured me she understood and wasn’t flaky etc.. Dec 27 she popped in (had been away for Christmas) and said she was headed out for a few weeks(back home, she kept her NJ apt and then work travel), and would see me then. Quietly Cleared out the little she had brought except an air mattress and left. Dec 28 texts to tells me she wants her own place instead, she’ll get the bed mid month and to use security deposit as January rent (not how that works). No mention of utility bills (about $200, if I’m generous). If someone were to move in this week (a total fluke but I may have someone) what obligation do I have to return any of the security deposit? Again, no legal issues, more one if ethics. And morals. She’s also not going to hurt for the money but I try to do the right thing.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Any chance you can pitch this into the property owner’s court? Heh. (I assume not.) I personally wouldn’t fault you for keeping the security deposit in exchange for the short notice. And she told you to keep the security deposit anyway, if I’m reading you right. So roll with it. You’re fine. :)

    3. RagingADHD*

      This isn’t a matter of feelings or ethics. They are in fact legal issues.
      There are actual tenancy laws in every state that apply whether or not you have a written lease, and you should look up what yours say.

      1) Was she there long enough to establish a legal tenancy, or did paying rent, etc, establish tenancy?

      2) Are you obligated to give back the deposit at all, since she left without notice?

      3) Would re-renting create an obligation to return any portion of the deposit, since you did not have a written lease stating that it did?

      4) Normally a deposit can be used to cover any damage or money owed, which would include utilities. Check if that is true where you live.

      5) You should also talk to her about the $200 for utilities before you allow her to re-enter the apartment to claim the bed. If she isn’t going to pay it, I see no reason why you should be a free storage space for her. Check you laws, but in most places you’d be in the clear to tell her to pick it up by a date convenient to you, or put it on the curb.

      1. Cookie*

        I really appreciate this detailed list. I’m considering opening my spare bedroom to a month-to-month rental situation and honestly, this sounds like a huge pain, so maybe not!

        1. RagingADHD*

          Get a lease form for your state. They aren’t hard to come by, and you can do it month to month.

    4. Broken Buckle*

      I’d keep the security deposit. You told her you wanted someone who would stick around for a year, she assured you she understood and wasn’t flaky…and then left. I feel like she owes you for that inconvenince. She told you to keep it, so keep it without guilt! :)

    5. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      She is still a tenant as long as any of her stuff is occupying the apartment…so she owes rent for January until that bed is gone. I know that the law limits you on what you’re allowed to keep a security deposit for so you should follow that to the letter.

      Have you sat down and written out a final statement? Do that for everything that was agreed to…rent, utilities, food? parking? If she was barely living in the apartment for December and won’t be physically there in January, you really shouldn’t assign a full half of utilities to her…so prorate the bills to how many days she was living there. If you don’t yet have your bills, do you have last year’s bills for this month, or does your utility provide an estimated next bill?

      Then present the statement to her with the idea of coming to a settlement you both can feel satisfied with…it may not be the full amount unless you want to go to small claims court. Do it quickly so if she balks at rent for January she gets that bed out faster; it’s her problem to solve.

      Put everything in writing for what you are keeping of the security deposit and make sure she gets a copy ASAP.

      1. WellRed*

        Good point about getting everything down on paper. I really don’t see this as adversarial, mire a nuisance and a reminder to us all to think before we leap lest we inflict our damage on others.

    6. Alex*

      I think it would be right, if you got someone this week, to return the security deposit (As long as she didn’t break anything). I also believe that a court would return it to her if she decided to sue you for it, because, as you say, a security deposit is not in lieu of rent. Since you had no written agreement, there’s not a lot of legal protections for you. And a court would see that you weren’t really out money since you got another roommate right away.

      If you didn’t get someone right away, I would keep the security deposit for January rent, as she says.

    7. Sunflower*

      Check your state law. I believe in NY if a replacement moves in, a space can’t be double charged ie if you find a replacement, you can’t keep the original tenants rent or make them pay even if they move out early. I’m not sure if security deposits work the same but worth checking.

      Personally if you find someone this week then I think just let it go, tell her she needs to be out by X date and give her the security deposit back. I understand her moving out is annoying but this is exactly why leases and contracts are in place. Since there is no lease and she was there for such a short period of time, I don’t think she is legally obligated to give you a dime honestly. I’d probably just start drawing up some sort of super simple lease in the future even if it’s month to month. Having no lease could make simple things super complicated in the future and would hold you liable to everything a roommate does with them having minimal liability.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Putting aside the intricacies of the legal issues, I’d keep the deposit. I’d also send her a bill for utilities, although I wouldn’t pursue it beyond just sending the bill.

      1. WestsideStory*

        Seconding this. It’s not worth it to go all legal on her – you have dodged a bullet here. This is not a nice person! Consider it a lesson learned and paid for. Then let it go.

    9. anonforthis*

      IANAL…but my understanding is if there is no lease/contract, there is nothing either of you have to do. She can promise all she wants, but she is not obligated to stay the whole year and you don’t have to give her back the deposit. That is the risk of subletting.

      A few years ago, I was sublet hopping because I had trouble finding a salaried job and no one would offer me a lease, even though I had saved up the money to pay down a deposit. I broke my subleases a couple of times if better housing came alone sooner than my lease was supposed to end. I felt a little bad…but not that bad since the actual tenant had the budget to pay the monthly rent anyway so it’s not like they were losing anything. My financial situation was much more insecure.

      1. anonforthis*

        Oh forgot to add this point to my comment: I broke leases knowing I wasn’t getting the security deposit back. It’s possible that your subtenant understands this risk as well.

      2. WellRed*

        This is pretty accurate, legally we are at a draw. At the end of the day, I believe in treating people right and karma. I’ll sleep better at night.

    10. WellRed*

      Thx all! I’ve found someone to take the room Jan 4 so financially it shakes out. To be clear, I would never have gone to court over this (too small a claim , though $$$ painful for me). We were also at a draw legally if it came to that, where I live. Lease or not, she was legally obligated to provide 30 days notice and absolutely no use of security deposit in lieu of rent. Period. I just want to do the right thing, and the simple thing, for all plus, I believe it all evens out in the end. Hopefully she’ll get her sht together going forward. Happy new year!

    11. Emma*

      I would keep security deposit, like she said to, regardless of whether or not it rents in January. I don’t think I would ask for utility bills, since it sounds like it was a handful of days she was actually in the residence, and I would consider the security deposit as covering it.

      Since you don’t have a lease, I think that’s pretty fair; like she could have asked for the security deposit back, since really that’s intended to cover damage, not that she’s not renting as long as you preferred.

      If you want to avoid this in the future, I would get a lease. Otherwise you’re assuming the risk that this kind of thing may happen again, and I don’t know that you’d have recourse in the courts.

  25. Agnes*

    We live in an area that is subject to flooding and hurricanes. Needless to say, climate change is making this worse.

    Moving would entail a 75% reduction in income and losing the tuition benefit from the university my husband works for, when we have three children entering college in the next ten years. So that doesn’t seem like a good option, for now.

    My question is what to do about our house. We own our house. It’s already expensive and difficult to insure, and that’s getting worse (our insurer just announced they are pulling out of the state). What can we do to minimize our losses?

    One option is to sell immediately, for more or less what we paid for it, and rent. The reason we bought in the first place is that rent for a place big enough for a family of five is about $1000 a month more than our mortgage. Also, my husband likes owning a house.

    We could also plan to sell once the kids are out of the house. The house will probably retain some of its value though we’ll lose money overall. Or when we retire, not sure what the calculus will be then.

    Should we be putting money into the house in ways that might increase resale value? Our kitchen is really small, which won’t help it sell. We also could have the house raised, which would reduce flood risk. Or should we be letting it fall to rack and ruin, minimizing the amount we put into it, because we won’t get it back?

    Other than the mortgage we do not have any debt, regularly contribute to our retirement accounts, and generally are in good shape financially. Should we be thinking about buying a second home somewhere (not sure we could afford that)? Or even a retirement community, even though that’s at least 20 years away?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’d look at the ongoing costs of continuing to live in the house, including rising insurance costs and/or the risk to you if you’re not insured. What’s the downside in a reasonable worst-case scenario? Then I’d compare that to the cost of renting for foreseeable future, including the non-economic costs of living in a less-ideal situation.

      If you choose to stay in the house, I personally would not do much to increase its resale value other than whatever you need to keep it habitable and comfortable for your family while you’re there. A ten-year timeframe is a long time to predict the housing market and consumer tastes. If you choose to, you could put some money aside to spruce up the place right before you sell it. Usually those things are pretty cosmetic and don’t involve a big renovation.

    2. Lunch Eating Mid Manager*

      I guess I’d want to know how much you like your current house. If you all are enjoying that particular house and there’s enough room for your growing family, I’d say stay – you have to pay to live somewhere. Maybe you’ll get back some of your owner investment or maybe not, in which case it’s like renting. However, if all five of you don’t really like it, what about looking to buy a house on the other side of your metro area, in a better part of the flood map, further away from the coast, etc.? Close enough that you could keep your job(s) although maybe someone would have to switch schools. Do you like your region, other than the insurance woes and climate risks, enough to want to stay put for 10+ years? If you don’t like the region all that much, who cares if your kids don’t go to college there? Move now to a part of the country that better fits your risk tolerance.

    3. WellRed*

      I can’t speak to the house but with regard to tuition benefits: it sounds like you are 10 years from even being able to tap that, and that’s only if your kids are interested in that school. Plus, that Benefits could disappear tomorrow. Please leave this out if your short term calculator.

    4. Observer*

      Can you lift the house?

      You sound like you are in FL – that’s a state that’s been losing insurers over this stuff. But I think you may be able to get some relief if your house is in stilts or something like that, as it means that it’s less likely to get seriously harmed by flooding. Same for changes to make it more wind resistant.

    5. Emma*

      10 years is a long time, just for tuition benefits!

      Your kids could decide that college is not for them. They could decide to go to college, but not that college. They could try to go to your college, but not get in.

      Your husband could change jobs, or get laid off. The college could cut the tuition benefits.

      If your kids were starting college in the next 3 years and had said they wanted to go to this school, that would be different. But there’s so much uncertainty. I wouldn’t stay for that! It’s fine if you weigh the options and it still ends up making sense. But I wouldn’t have that be a deciding factor.

      There’s often also a lot of financial advice that basically says let your kids take out student loans, don’t pay for college unless your retirement is good, since you can’t take out loans for retirement. I think this is related.

      1. Agnes*

        The tuition benefit is a bit more complicated than that – my oldest actually would start college in 3 years, and it applies to more schools than just ours.

        But moving means giving up my job, and I won’t find another one that’s financially comparable. My husband is more flexible.

        1. Emma*

          Maybe talk with a few based financial advisor, someone who is a fiduciary (they must keep your interests at the forefront, vs recommending things that would make them money).

          Lay this all out, your goals, your restrictions, your retirement plans, and see what they recommend.

          It sounds like a complicated situation, professional advice (even from a couple different advisors, to compare) would be good.

        2. M2*

          Many universities have same/ similar tuition benefits that occur after a certain period of employment. Maybe look around and see if anything is comparable (or better) and your oldest could always take a gap year if the benefits don’t happen until year 4-5 of employment. I have a few close friends in higher Ed.

          Could you look around and see if anything might be financially comparable? Granted, if you’re in FL you have no income tax so take that into consideration if you end up leaving your state (now or in the future).

          Shop around and see if you can get another insurer. I think it also depends on how risk averse you are about flood insurance (and some mortgages mandate it so check).
          Could you rent out your home and go somewhere cheap/visit family during school vacations or periods in the summer to help pay for insurance?

          Good luck.

    6. Former Hurricane Dweller*

      One other thing to consider is the non-financial costs of staying (or going). I moved last year to NC after spending 13 years in Houston. I rented and never suffered property damage during any of the hurricanes or flooding events, and still, the trauma of living through multiple natural disasters and the constant threat of flooding or a hurricane takes a toll. I don’t think people who haven’t lived through these understand, but you essentially spend a couple months a year on edge – is this storm tracking towards us? Oh, no it missed us. Ok, whew. Wait, there’s now another one coming in a couple weeks. Shit, that one is big. And now you’re making life/death decisions and scrambling to prepare. And living in a city where everyone collectively experiences a trauma at the same time, it’s a lot.

  26. Broken Buckle*

    A buckle on my backpack broke and I need help finding a replacement.

    Basically, my backpack has two straps on the front for holding something like a skateboard or jacket. One half of each buckle is attached to the backpack by a nylon loop, and the other half is attached to a longer adjustable nylon strap.

    From what I can tell from googling it, the buckles are 1 inch plastic side release buckles. If I buy a normal one as a replacement, I’d have to cut the nylon loop to attach one half of the buckle, then sew it closed and melt the cut edges. And I’d have to cut through the sewing on the strap, attach the second half of the buckle, then sew that back up. Which would be serviceable but might not look great. (I use the backpack for work.)

    So, are there any types of buckles I could buy that I could attach to the loop and strap without having to cut anything?

    I saw a “Bartact PALS/MOLLE Dual Snap Bar Field Repair Side Release Buckle Kit” on Amazon that I think might work (it looks like you can slip it on a strap and then close it), but I wanted to try get navy blue to match my old buckle. I don’t know what specific term to search for though.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Snap bar buckle” is your search term, but I think the navy blue might be your sticking point, all the ones I’m seeing are black. Would it be a viable option to see if you could have a tailor do the replacement with the normal one? They’re pretty expert at making it look nice and probably have the heavy-duty sewing machine to do it properly.

      1. Broken Buckle*

        Thank you!!!!

        I was hoping if I knew the proper term, I’d be able to find the buckle in navy, but if it’s only available in black, I can live with that. I love the backpack too much to trust a tailor with it (had a bad experience the one time I got a few pairs of pants tailored).

          1. Broken Buckle*

            I looked at my local shoe repair’s website, and they have purses/pocketbooks in their online gallery, but they look like they’re all leather. But you think they’d fix non-leather bags too? (The whole backpack is probably just nylon or a similar material.)

    2. Jackalope*

      Alternatively, check to see if the brand will fix it. They have the equipment so they wouldn’t have the same issues as you in getting everything needed. Some places will let you mail it in and do the fix for you, maybe for free, maybe for a small cost.

      1. Broken Buckle*

        I just looked at the website, and if you send your backpack in for repair and they have the spare parts (only in black) to repair it, their turnaround time is four weeks or longer. This is the only backpack I have, and I use it everyday to bring my laptop, accessories, lunch, water bottle, etc. to work, so I can’t be without it for over a month. ): Thanks for the suggestion though!

        1. AK_Blue*

          Perhaps it’s worth emailing the manufacturer, with a photo of the broken part and a request for a replacement part, with the explanation of it being your do-all-the-things bag, on the off chance they will just pop the replacement part in the post to you.

  27. RagingADHD*

    Has anyone here had (or given) a subscription to “Used books monthly dot com”? It looked very cool but I held off giving it as a gift because my main present recipients read YA, and they don’t seem to have that option.

    Thinking of maybe using it for an upcoming birthday for another loved one.

  28. Bibliovore*

    Luxury problem.
    I gave over $1,000 donations in my husbands name to each of the small non-profits my husband served on their boards.
    I did receive an email thank you for the pledge but did not get any written confirmation of receipt of the check.
    Is that typical?
    Mr. Bibliovore was in charge of donations- he had numerous monthly amounts donated from his credit card when he died. My preference is to give a lump sum once a year.

    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Do you need a receipt? Are they 501(c)(3)s or otherwise tax deductible donations? You can ask for a receipt if you’ll be needing it for tax purposes.

      I always receive a receipt (as in, the organization automatically sends it) for tax deductible donations. Makes me wonder if they aren’t tax deductible. It’s totally fine to ask.

    2. IfOnlyIHadOne*

      I’ve always received a receipt, but when and how depended on the organization. The end of the year is a busy time for nonprofits and in my experience it can take a while for the smaller organizations to process the payments. Some organizations will wait until January and send a letter for all the donations made in the previous year. Regardless, you should absolutely receive a receipt and I think it’s fine to reach out and ask what the process is.

    4. BookMom*

      If Mr B was a monthly donor, your household’s donor database records may be flagged to do one consolidated tax statement and thank you letter in January for all contributions the previous year. Not to say you shouldn’t have expected or received acknowledgement of this different kind of gift, but most charities use gift processing systems that mail merge thank you letters using those kind of parameters. When you feel up to it in the new year, contact the charities and let them know your preferences.

    5. Tib*

      Technically, the year isn’t over yet. A small nonprofit is likely going to wait until all 2022 donations are in and then create the thank you/tax letters all at once. I believe they have until January 31st to get that info to you.

      1. Chaordic One*

        There are a lot of non-profits that ask for donations right up to the last minute of the year. They are probably hoping for additional, last-minute donations, and will probably send you a receipt sometime in January.

    6. Asenath*

      I’m not in the US, but I always get a receipt, even from small charities. I’m actually a volunteer with one which sometimes doesn’t send out such things very promptly, and, umm, this is not a good practice and donors complain. The only exception I can think of is very small fundraisers who will sometimes announce in some prominent place that they will only send out receipts for amounts under a very small amount (say, $5) on request, but even then, they send out receipts for larger donations automatically. It’s interesting how different people do charity. I have my favourites I donate to throughout the year, and only just started sending a monthly donation to one charity, but it’s a longstanding habit to look over my donations and see if there’s any I’ve missed or want to add at the end of the year. I think I picked that habit up from my parents and grandparents.

    7. Jamie Starr*

      I can’t tell you if mean that you gave several donations of $1,000 each, or several donations totaling $1,000. But, if the latter, I believe that IRS guidelines say that gifts less than $250 do not require a formal acknowledgement letter. So if your gifts were $100 each, for example, you’re not required to receive a formal acknowledgement letter. However, most nonprofits will send them for gifts under $250 anyway. (unless maybe it was, like, $5 or $10).

      If you just made the contributions recently, give them a month or so to send you a formal acknowledgement. If they’re on a 12/31 fiscal year end, this is a busy time for them and they may have many gifts to recognize (and people may be out of the office for holidays.) If you haven’t gotten something by January you could follow up with their development team and ask for a formal acknowledgement letter for tax purposes.

    8. HBJ*

      I usually don’t until a statement at the end of the year. I think only one org that we give to sends a receipt each time we send a check.

    9. Cookie*

      This is the busiest time of the year for nonprofits. They get about 1/3 of their small/numerous gifts in the month of December, and their gift processors are likely working overtime. They are potentially behind a few weeks on getting receipts into the mail, and if you give by check rather than online with a credit card, you will probably get a paper receipt rather than a PDF.

      If you don’t have a receipt by the first week in February, contact them and ask for one. It gives you plenty of time to file taxes.

  29. KatEnigma*

    Has anyone ever had a bad experience somewhere, totally unrelated to the experience itself, that you stopped doing the thing for awhile?

    My family took a cruise 18-23rd. While on board, what we thought was just severe sea sickness for my husband got progressively worse, and he ended up spending the evening of the last night in the medical center hooked up to an IV of antibiotics (my 50th birthday, BTW) for what that Dr thought might be appendicitis. She stabilized him, so we could drive the 1 1/2 hours home to our ER, where he was admitted for what was eventually diagnosed as a very bad gall bladder, and he had surgery on Christmas Eve day, but they didn’t like his blood pressure, so he didn’t get released until 10am Christmas morning. He missed our 5 yr old opening “Santa presents” and was devastated- I took video and sent it to him immediately, but naturally it wasn’t the same.

    None of this was the fault of the cruise. But we still canceled a cruise we’d already booked and paid for over Spring Break/his 45th birthday that does the basic same itinerary. We’ve decided we probably WILL cruise again, but not until 2024… and not in the Gulf or on that ship.

    Luckily his recovery has been smooth, so far. And he asked, but was given NO driving restrictions because he’s only taken Tylenol for pain (and not even that often) and was told by his Doctor that the driving restrictions are only if he was taking narcotics. He looked it up on the internet, to see if this was crazy, but that’s the basic advise from the NHS too, so…

    1. WellRed*

      Not quite the same but I used to live a certain brand of Mac and cheese. I coincidentally got extremely ill (vomiting) late one night after eating it for dinner. I have never eaten it since.

      1. Girasol*

        That was my first thought. I had some lovely chocolate donuts just before getting one of those stomach bugs and I can’t eat the things anymore even though I know they’re perfectly fine. But then, chocolate donuts aren’t a bad thing to give up forever. I might try to get over it if I was contemplating giving up something big and wonderful like cruises that I had always enjoyed before.

      2. GraceC*

        My grandma accidentally gave up smoking back in the 80s because lighting up her first cig of the day coincided with the worst hangover sickness of her life suddenly hitting home (thank you, neighbours and home-distilled gin!)

        Couldn’t smoke again from that day forwards without feeling incredibly ill, even when she was on a pack a day before that and her husband continued to smoke for the rest of his life

        1. New Mom*

          The summer I graduated from high school vanilla Pepsi was really popular and one of my friends would mix it with Bacardi and had many a hangover and she still can’t drink carbonated vanilla drinks.

          1. Felis alwayshungryis*

            The first thing I ever got drunk on to the point of vomiting, aged about 17, was cheap amaretto. To this day I can’t handle even the smell of something almondy. I feel queasy even writing this.

            1. allathian*

              For me it was warm peach vodka at a midsummer party when I was 18 and of drinking age. Writing this down made me feel queasy, too!

              My sister went through a phase of swearing a lot when she was about 5 and first learned the words from my friends and me (I’m 2 years older). I knew better than to swear in front of our parents and especially our mom, but my sister got her mouth washed out with Imperial Leather soap once, and our parents didn’t otherwise resort to corporal punishment. I haven’t seen that on the market for a few years now, but she couldn’t stand the scent afterwards, and I strongly suspect that losing it like that made my mom feel guilty because she bought some special rose-scented soap just for my sister. Eventually my sister got past that aversion, because she loved horses and riding, and the saddle soap they used at her riding school smelled just like Imperial Leather…

      3. New Mom*

        I ate Oreos in a car when I was a young child and got carsick and now (37) I still don’t like them. I feel like the only American who doesn’t like Oreos.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In 2017, I was listening to an audiobook in the car – John Adams by David McCullough – when Stupid Dennis the Texting Teenager plowed into my tailgate going at least 45mph while I was stopped at a stop light, sandwiching me and my poor car between his sedan and the giant pickup truck in front of me. (God knows how, nobody was seriously injured – I ended up having a cracked rib and nothing more because I’d seen him coming in my rear view mirror and braced for impact :P )

      I just started listening to audiobooks again this year at all, still don’t listen to audiobooks in any form of moving vehicle, and have not gone back and finished John Adams in any format.

      I had some issues around stop lights as well for a while, but that cleared up within six months or so. I don’t know why it was the audiobook part that has stuck with me for so long.

      1. AGD*

        I haven’t been able to go back to the CD I was listening to when I learned that a family member passed away, and that was nearly a decade ago.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      I had a very bad day one time years ago (a supposed friend played a nasty trick on me in order to benefit themself) and ended up giving away the outfit I’d been wearing because it kept reminding me of that day even though it had nothing to do with the events.

      1. Giant Kitty*

        I’ve had to give away things like clothing that I obtained while dating a toxic/abusive partner, because all it did was make me angry to think about it.

    4. Mstr*

      I think this type of experience is called an “availability error/bias” in psychology. The bad experience stands out & you feel it will happen again even though logically it’s not particularly likely.

      1. Jackalope*

        Sometimes it’s that, but sometimes it’s just that the thing has negative connotations. Like I have a song that I was listening to when a really stressful thing happened in my life. I don’t think that the stressful thing will happen again, but the song brings up the emotions that I had that day and is unpleasant. I’d rather just not be reminded of it if I can avoid it.

        1. Mstr*

          IDK, isn’t it reminding you that bad things can/do/did happen just that? Or is there something more to the term/science that I’m missing?

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I think there’s a pretty clear difference between “it makes me think the unpleasant thing will happen again” and “this reminds me of unpleasant thing and therefore makes me feel unpleasant now”.

            1. Mstr*

              Maybe it is similar in that it’s fear-based. You’re still afraid you’ll experience the bad feelings (if not the actual events) again if you listen. You could overcome that/it doesn’t have to be true, but it’s a choice not to.

              1. allathian*

                And it’s a perfectly valid choice to make if it’s something you can avoid fairly easily. Exposure therapy can work, but it’s often best to attempt it with a specialized professional, and sometimes avoidance is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with things. I mean, if you get in a car crash and need to drive to continue going to work, and you need to work to keep a roof over your head and food in your kitchen, then it’s obviously best if you can work through the trauma caused by the crash, with or without professional help, and start driving again. But just refusing to listen to a song ever again because it reminds you of unpleasant things is, IMO, a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

                1. Jackalope*

                  This is a bit late to be responding, but yes, this. I’ve generally moved on from aforementioned unpleasant experience and have less of a reaction to the song I mentioned, but I don’t like the song (and didn’t really like it before this experience happened, to be honest), so to me the easiest option is to just… change the station if it starts playing on the radio. I can’t see any reason that I *have* to like this song, so why bother with it?

    5. ICodeForFood*

      My car was totaled by a woman who turned left directly in front of me. My wrist was broken, but it could have been a lot worse. It was raining, and I waited more than half an hour for the local police, by which time I was soaked. The washable cardigan I was wearing (for the first time ever) was an unusual print, which bled color all over my shirt. But the cardigan was fine.. except that it always reminded me of the accident. Eventually I donated it to Goodwill, because I just couldn’t bring myself to wear it again!

    6. Elle Woods*

      Several years ago, my brother came over during dinner and announced that his wife wanted a divorce. (It wasn’t totally unexpected but was devastating nonetheless.) I had made chicken fajitas that night for dinner. It’s been a few years now and I still don’t make them or order them when I go out to eat. Beef fajitas? Veggie fajitas? I’ll make or order those. But never chicken fajitas.

    7. time for cocoa*

      Not quite the same thing, but we have two “cursed days” in my family; dates on which bad things repeatedly happen over multiple years. One date has had three human family members die, the other date has had four pets either die naturally or need to be euthanized. On those days, we bunker down and don’t travel or do anything risky or unusual. I am not otherwise superstitious in daily life, but I don’t mess around with those two days.

      More to your point: I haven’t eaten ceasar salad in years, because I was eating it during a lunch meeting in which I was given notice of layoff.

    8. Buni*

      All the while my mother was pregnant with my elder brother – her first – she was a) knitting a lovely little yellow cardigan in anticipation,and b) had just the worst morning sickness ever.
      By the time my brother was born and the cardigan finished she had to give it away, as just looking at it made her heave…

    9. Zweisatz*

      It’s completely normal when something traumatic happens, and of course also when it doesn’t rise to that level.

      If you DON’T want the bad association to set in, your best move is to do “the thing” again as soon as possible so the association doesn’t calcify (can be especially true when something terrible happened during something innocuous and the latter becomes a trigger). But in your example it sounds very much like you could take or leave doing the thing again/the association is more of a bad taste, so I’d say do whatever feels right.

    10. Be kind, rewind*

      Yes. One of our kitties passed when we were on vacation in Nearby Awesome City. It was a shock because he had no health issues. We haven’t been back to that city in years because the experience was so devastating.

      Hope your husband continues to heal quickly.

  30. kina lillet*

    This is sort of an explain-like-I’m-five question, but what actually determines the price of a share in the stock market? A lot of the info I find in articles talk about large forces—supply & demand, public trust, etc—but I don’t actually know how, say, one share of company X that has been public for a long time gets its price set at $50.

    I’ve never done any trading, and I feel like this is a basic bit of information that I’ve sort of skipped over. Any resources or explainers?

    1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      The price of a stock is not really tied to anything more than what people are willing to pay for it. It’s gambling. A price is low when people don’t want to buy, and it goes up as more people want to buy. A company issues a certain number of stocks in order to “borrow” money from investors…so supply is limited by the company, but they can and sometimes do issue more stocks OR buy back stocks in order to influence the price or improve the company finances. There’s a lot of personal and business risk calculation on what people are willing to pay and what their goals are:

      Is the company profitable? Will it be profitable in the next…day, week, month, year, 10-years? Depends on how long you want to hold the stock; do you want quick high returns in less than 30 days (are you willing to risk losing all of it) or do you want stable but low increase that won’t lose value and you want to hold it for decades?

      Stocks prices can skyrocket even on businesses that aren’t profitable…the investors are gambling that they can get in and out before it crashes or get in low and hold on until it does become profitable. I bought a small amount of Apple stock in the 90s when it was $15 a share and everyone said Apple was going to be out of business soon, and held on…it hit $800 a share at one point. I didn’t retire early sadly, I only own like 8 shares ;-) but benefited when the stock split.

      Does the stock pay a dividend? Is that important to you as an investor to have dividend income or will you buy/sell quickly so dividends aren’t really important?

      There’s no real magic formula other than the proverbial buy a stock at a low price and sell at a higher price.

      1. Senior Economist*

        I’d qualify your statements somewhat—it’s speculation if you are engaged in short-term trading. It’s accurate to say that the price of a stock is set by the market—that is, the intersection of the price someone is willing to pay to purchase it and the price someone is willing to sell it for. But it’s not purely gambling— those prices are informed by the financial data, past performance, current management strategy, and profit and revenue targets of that company. That information is publicly available through SEC filings and investor calls on at least a quarterly basis.

        Ultimately, the value of a company as represented by its market capitalisation is calculated by multiplying the number of shares by the price per share. The value of a company can also be derived through a calculation of the net present value of its cash flows. These two measures of value should be approximately equivalent.

        You can convert the value calculated through cash flows into a share price by simply dividing by the number of shares. This gives you an idea of what a realistic share price should be because it is based on the an assessment of the level of revenues and profits a company can realistically achieve.

        Since the information needed to calculate the cash flows is disclosed for all publicly traded companies, any good analyst will be able to form an opinion of whether a stock is overvalued (its market cap exceeds its net present value of cash flows) or undervalued (vice versa). Subjective assessments are incorporated into these calculations in various ways, which is why analysts may differ in their assessments.

        You often see this reflected in analyst reports which say a stock is a strong buy etc.

        This type of assessment intersects with the daily trading activity on the stock exchange, which is a different animal. The markets react in real time to both relevant and non-relevant information (ie, noise). It’s here where sophisticated investors can make attempt to cash in. (Sophisticated meaning having access to systems that can make trades in fractions of a second—casual investors do not have access these systems.) Fluctuations may be only tenths or hundredths of dollars but in large volumes of shares can make a lot of money!

        The casual investor can do all of this investigation work themselves to choose and follow stocks. But options such as exchange-traded funds or mutual funds do this selection work for you and allow you to diversify your portfolio by purchasing fractions of shares of many companies.

    2. KatEnigma*

      If you figure out that answer, you’d be a millionaire. LOL

      There IS no answer, as far as I can tell. It just is. Sometimes the talking heads, after the fact, give this or that reason for a stock going up or down, but most of the time it’s just conjecture/talking out their rears.

    3. kina lillet*

      Let me clarify—I’m talking super super elementary. I mean, when you buy a stock, do you say “I would like to buy it for $5!” and if that’s too low the seller says “no way?” Or, does the seller say, “ok, I’d be willing to sell this stock for between $100.05 and $100.10”? Or, does a market itself advertise some price that they’re willing to buy and sell stocks for, so the seller says, “I’ll sell this to the used stock store for $5, because that’s what they’re willing to pay me” and a buyer comes later and says, “sure, I suppose I’ll buy this from the used stock store for $5”?

        1. kina lillet*

          Gotcha. The market being, the company that runs like the NYSE that runs some calculations on who bought what the day before?

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            The stock exchange is like a continuous auction, if that helps.
            Everybody is bidding on shares that are for sale.
            You can put in what’s called a “limit order” where you say, I only want to buy Microsoft if it’s at $30/share, until January 15th, and I want to buy 1,000 shares. If it comes down to $30, then your broker buys you those shares at that price.
            If it never comes down to that price, your order expires.

      2. Generic Name*

        No, you as an individual investor cannot go to, say Microsoft, and say “I’ll buy 10 shares for $2 each”. Stock prices are “set” by various factors (don’t ask me what they are) on a daily or more frequent basis. So if you want to buy Microsoft stock, you will have to pay the going rate, which at this moment is about $240. If you google “[Company] stock price” that will tell you what the price is.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Buyers can either say they want to buy a certain number of shares at whatever the current market price is, or that they wish to spend a certain amount of money on shares of a certain stock and they will take however many shares that gets them. Or they can say they will buy at a certain price, and sell at a different price.

        Brokers take these orders, and try to match up their buyers and sellers with other people’s buyers and sellers. Before everything was computerized, this involved brokers going to the exchange floor and yelling out the trades, like a giant auction.

        The NYSE still has a physical trading floor where brokers make deals and yell prices at each other. Most other places do it all through a data center now.

        The prices change moment to moment, but they are reported out as daily opening and closing prices. “Day traders” try to make money by watching the fluctuating prices and making deals that catch those waves. Most investors just place an order and it gets filled within a day or so.

      4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        Ah. The stock exchanges list the price. The company might be listed on the New York Stock Exchange or the NASDAQ or a non-US exchange. The stock prices fluctuate by the second and even continue to fluctuate after market close. So you want to keep watching the stock exchange if you are looking for a particular price point to buy or sell.

        To buy or sell, you hire a stockbroker or open a self-serve account online…like E-trade or Charles Schwabb. They will all have fees and commissions (percentage of the transaction amount) and offer different services so compare services. A broker, for instance, should give advice on what stocks to buy and when to buy/sell…it’s a guess though…they are selling their historical knowledge of the market and the value of their intuition.

        You can usually set a target price for a stock, “buy x number of shares of Apple when it hits $100 per share” “sell x number of shares when the price is $300” and then you go about your life and get transaction alerts (optional) or quarterly statements on your investments; or you can really keep on top of the market and create a buy/sell order based on minute by minute fluctuations.

      5. strawberry ice cream*

        when I want to buy a stock, I can set the price I’m willing to pay, and the time. So, if a stock is trading for $50, I can say: I am willing to buy 100 of those for $30 for 10 days. I can stand on a street corner and shout that, and wait for someone else to hear me who is willing to sell me that stock at that price, or I submit it to my broker, who has the magic ability to scan all the buyers/sellers of the stock, and what price the stock is going for. (yes, I do have to pay extra for that service). Conversely, when I sell a stock – I tell my broker what price I want to sell it for, and how long they should look. If I set my selling price too high, there will be no buyers, and I will still have the stock at the end.

      6. Qwerty*

        When you put in an order, you’ll usually say whether you want to buy/sell at market price or if you have a threshold – say I’ll buy at $100 or below / I’ll sell at $100 or above. Using these thresholds is highly recommended, in case the stock unexpectedly spikes between when you put in your order and when it gets completed. As an individual, usually you’ll be working with a broker to create the order, either a person on an online site like Fidelity.

        Then there is an order matcher that queues all these up in order they were received and tries finding buy requests that match the price range of the sell requests. In the old days of human beings at exchanges you had to walk around finding a buyer when you wanted to sell or vice versa, but now it is mostly automated and computerized.

        There are indeed entities who job is to function as the “market”, where they always have a buy and sell price. That way if you as an individual want to buy/sell a stock you will always find someone willing to complete your trade if you decide to buy/sell at market price. They are called “market makers” and usually there is a limit on how far their buy and sell prices can differ to prevent them from manipulating the market, though they are allowed to price one side more favorably, which helps stem the rush if everybody wants to buy or sell stock X at the same time to prevent things from getting crazy.

        When you see that the price on an exchange like NYSE has Stock ABC for $5, that means that $5 is roughly the going rate – in reality, there’s a couple pennies difference between what people are buying vs selling at. I can’t recall if they use the price of the last deal to complete or if it is a fancy formula that uses the last X number of trades to complete.

        The reason the price can change for a stock when the exchange is closed is (1) other exchanges around the world keep trading and (2) pre-orders can still be sent in and queued up before the next day. So in the morning, they will try to publish out the opening price so the people who didn’t do pre-orders can get up to speed on what changed.

        Caveat – I’ve been out of the trading industry for 10yrs and focused more on options than stock, so I’m going off memory here.

      7. Roland*

        In my limited experience selling stock I get from my company: the brokerage says something like “the price is currently 34.21. What do you want to sell at?” If I put in 34 then it will probably sell as soon as I hit submit. If I put in 35 then it might sell later in the day or it might go all day without selling. I haven’t bought stocks directly, only index funds where I say “buy X dollars” rather than “X shares”, so not sure what it looks like for the buyer.

    4. strawberry ice cream*

      A stock doesn’t get its price “set”. A stock is a small percentage of ownership in a company, and it trades for whatever sum of money two people agree to exchange it for. When I try to sell stock, I can set whatever price I want. If the stock is trading at $50, but I put my sell price at $200 then there is a good chance no one will buy it at that price, but I can totally set $200 as my price. Stock prices fluctuate continuously in a day and from one day to the next. Pick any company you like, and you can see how the stock price varies in a day, a week, year, 10 years etc. The price is “set” at whatever number people are willing to sell/buy it at. Over long periods of time the price may go up or down depending on how people perceive the company is doing (compared to other companies that do the same thing, or whether or not the thing is valuable, or will be in the future).

      In your example: a stock has been trading for awhile, let’s say for a company that makes llama socks: LSI (llama socks inc). If a weather report comes out saying that it’s going to be an especially severe winter, and llamas will need to have warm legs or die, then it is very likely that the stock price will go up. (this is because people *anticipate* the llama sock company will be profitable, because of higher demand on the llama socks. Note: winter hasn’t arrived yet). Ok, winter arrives, our LSI does well, and are even more profitable than anticipated, (demand was higher), so when LSI spreads out the profit (stockholders are owners in the company – that’s what a stock is) – all the stockholders do really well, so that drives up the price even more – other people see that if they’d owned some stock they could have received a large payout too, so they’ll pay extra to get some. However, if the weather report was wrong, and socks weren’t needed, then the price will drop, because no one is buying llama socks, so it is less profitable than expected.

      The summary: stock prices aren’t “set”, they are the amount of money that two people agree to exchange for a little piece of ownership of a company. It is a large part based on psychology.

      1. S*

        As long as your audience understands that the casual investor doesn’t go and haggle over the price. I get what you mean that there’s no price that is set, but if you look above the OP was actually asking a far more elementary question (which is not to say it’s a dumb question!). Less how the price is determined, more how the logistics work for casual investors. This is one of those questions that is hard for experts to answer because they don’t remember how much they know and what is basic to them is not to other people. (OP was metaphorically asking about the basement and your explanation started on the second floor assuming the basement was common knowledge when it isn’t)

    5. kina lillet*

      Thanks, all!!! This is one of those weird areas where I had an ok understanding of the abstraction (supply and demand, what happens in an IPO for example) but very little understanding of the mechanics of it, in a way that makes it difficult to explain where the gap is. Your answers really helped!

    6. bratschegirl*

      A human decision is involved in setting the price of a stock when a company “goes public,” meaning they offer shares of stock for sale for the first time. A bunch of folks in expensive suits decide that Consolidated Fuzz will have an Initial Public Offering of X number of shares at $Y per share. As soon as those shares of Consolidated Fuzz hit the market, the price will start fluctuating just due to market forces and at that point there isn’t really a person saying “the price of this stock will now be $Z” any more. You can try to manipulate the price up or down if you’re a big player, but nobody picks up a phone and says “hey, it’s my 75th birthday today so let’s change the price of our stock to $75 a share.”

  31. Warning: pet illness mentioned*

    I have a “super senior” cat (going on 17) who is pretty darn healthy. Her only issue is early kidney disease but her lab values have been stable and nothing else has shown up on her bloodwork. At her last check up, the vet noticed a lump on one of her front legs and recommended an x-ray and possibly other tests. I’m kind of reluctant to go down that road, though, because she does not have any symptoms (no limp or trouble walking/jumping) and we wouldn’t proceed with surgery or anything major like that due to her age. Cost is also a factor. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Any advice?

    1. BookMom*

      I’d suggest asking yourself, “what will I do with this information?” if you do the tests. If the answer is “nothing” then save the time and money. Otherwise, if the tests might reveal some simpler treatment options that would improve her quality of life, then proceed.

      1. Random Bystander*

        That’s where I would land, too (I have one cat who will be 15 in February). Especially if there’s no issues with walking/jumping or behavioral changes, I would be inclined to just ask myself “what would I do with the knowledge” and make certain that anything was in the budget.

    2. Asenath*

      It might be a good idea to have just enough testing done to identify the lump and its possible progression, if any. Then you will have the information you need to decide.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      What outcomes does the vet think are possible, and what would they suggest that you do for those outcomes? Are there any of those suggestions that you WOULD proceed with? If not, and it’s not bothering her now, I’d just let it go and keep an eye on it to see if it does start bothering her.

      If this helps any — my Elder Statesdog Gone Beyond started getting some lumps and bumps as she got elderly, and the vet checked the first one, and it was just a fatty bump, a lipoma. After that, if they weren’t bothering her, we mostly just kept an eye out for if they did start to bother her or if one of them started growing fast. Never happened. Sometimes it’s just old age :)

    4. KatEnigma*

      We have a 9 yr old Rott mix (average life span of 8-10 years) who has a lump on her chest. She’s now also developed one on her leg.

      Not even the Vet recommends an x ray or any other tests. It’s likely cancer, but if we knew for sure, the chest one is inoperable anyway, and all the tests are just expensive with no benefit to us or the dog. So we’re keeping an eye on her quality of life, and when it dips too much (and we’re really good about being honest about that) then we’ll make the compassionate choice. As long as she’s still enjoying herself, even if she IS a grumpy old thing, we’re maintaining the status quo.

      1. Citra*

        I’m so sorry to hear this.

        Wanted to drop in that I don’t know in what state/place in the world you are, but when our senior lab developed the big C early this year, I called a company called “Lap of Love.” They bill themselves as basically hospice care for pets. My first call to them was over an hour long, while the lady on the other end (Tina, an absolute angel) listened, gave me options, reassured me, etc. There was/is NO charge for these calls, even if you end up not using their service at all, and you can call any time even afterward. Lap of Love’s website also has some excellent little quizzes/worksheets to help determine your baby’s quality of life, and has lots of info on dealing with loss, as well as memorials and such. (Their info on helping other pets cope was especially helpful for us with our other dog.)

        And when the time came, the (again, wonderful) vet came to our house to send our girl off to sleep, so she didn’t have to deal with the trauma of a vet visit. (Long story, but basically, one reason we decided not to do chemo was because she was so scared of the vet.) When it was over, our girl was put in the vet’s car–I couldn’t watch, but my husband told me the vet set her car up like a little hearse, with a blanket and flowers–and taken straight off to the crematory, and we got her back about two weeks later in a pretty wooden urn with a nameplate. (There is also the option not to get your pet back, if you can’t afford it, and they will scatter the ashes with dignity for you.)

        It is a little more expensive than going to the vet’s office, but not incredibly so when you add everything up, and it was so worth it for us. Lap of Love even informed our vet, and we got a nice card from both places after she was gone. (Our vet was amazing, too, and gave me some pain meds and appetite stimulant for our girl when I asked, to make her last days more comfortable and happy.)

        Lap of Love isn’t the only service that does this, it was just the one in our area that we chose. I happened to run into someone online who works at a pet crematory for another company called Lasting Paws (part of “Gateway Services,” don’t know which name you’d find them under), and he told me that they always give our babies a last pet and tell them what a good boy or girl they were before sending them off, which really touched me.

        It’s awful to have to say goodbye to a beloved family member, but I am so grateful to Lap of Love for making it easier. I really, really recommend them. And like I said, you can call them and talk for as long as you want/need, at no charge. They’re wonderful people and really care. There are a lot of services like that now; if you just search for “pet hospice care near me,” you should find one.

        I hope that helps and again, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

        1. ShinyPenny*

          Thank you for posting this. I’m collecting options, to try to be ready for whatever may be coming with my beloved senior dog. Your experience gives me hope– thanks for sharing.

        2. Ron McDon*

          Wow, this website is great, thanks for posting the link.

          A family friend has a dog who is in decline due to illness, and the family are split 50/50 on whether to euthanise yet or wait. I think the resources on this website might help them decide to euthanise sooner, as the dog does seem to be suffering.

          The two family members against euthanising her are thinking about themselves, imo, rather than what’s best for the dog.

    5. Stitch*

      My cat is probably 17 (don’t know for sure, adopted him about ten years agl). He had dental surgery at 14 and really struggled with recovering from the anesthesia (he’d had dental work before and recovered fine). Because of that I’m super hesitant to put him under again, I feel like I owe him the best goodbye I can and dying in surgery he is too old for feels wrong.

    6. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Fatty lipomas have a specific feel and are very prevalent in older animals. They are more like a blob and are often a bit squishy. Cancers are often oddly shaped and might be hard. A vet should be able to judge if it is likely to be a lipoma. If they are big enough then they can be aspirated with a needle (not quite as simple as a vaccination, but not too complicated) and the results can be looked at under a slide. I wouldn’t suggest this for you, but know that there are other potential options. I agree with the suggestions not to test if it won’t change your plans, just check it every few days. I only mention the typical lipoma feel because it may give you an idea of what to expect (they are completely benign although worst case might grow big and cause physical problems)

    7. Samwise*

      I would do the tests just so I know what to look for if/when kitty takes a bad turn. Also to be able to do palliative things now, if possible. And to find out if kitty is going to be sick sooner rather than later.

  32. PleaseNo*

    I am selling my house in this awful market (I had already moved months ago to another one) and the buyer is just awful. She refused negotiations on the sale price and the inspection report findings (which are a bunch of small things). My own agent has been acting against me, withholding information and telling the buyer’s agent stuff without my knowledge or permission.

    Also, I really don’t like how I was told about the buyer’s physical problems to try to get me to cater to her demands while she is completely ignoring my financial difficulties due to my physical problems.

    I don’t have equity in the house, as I bought it myself a year ago and had to move for work. Right now the loss is over $50k.

    I have struggled to pay 2 mortgages, insurance, utilities, etc the past several months.

    I would love to stand up for myself with her but I’m also afraid to lose the sale even though it’s a bad sale. I fear that holding on to the house will be worse than selling it to this terrible buyer.

    We’re still in the inspection phase because I’ve been trying to find people to give me estimates during the holiday season and it’s been impossible to get a hold of anyone. Apparently she’s got an estimates on her own but she didn’t bother to share them with us with her inspection objection, so we’ve asked for the documentation.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for how to not lose so much on this sale? Or how to handle her nitpicking on the inspection, for example, she wants the gutters cleaned by a “gutter professional”? Or should I just not sell it and just try to find a good renter instead, which is also iffy?

    1. FashionablyEvil*

      Do you have anyone giving you good advice here (either your own real estate agent or attorney?) I would start there, especially since you already believe your agent isn’t working in your best interest.

      I would also map out the costs—how long can you cover both mortgages? How long could you be without a renter? If those time horizons are short, I’d consider sucking it up as the price of being able to walk away.

      Also, she can ask for whatever she likes! You don’t have to say yes.

      1. PleaseNo*

        Thanks for your response! With austerity measures in my house, I can probably survive for a few years but any problems in either house (I stupidly bought in my new location last summer) of any significance or sudden medical stuff would make things hard since I don’t have much in savings right now.
        I’m not sure if that’s a short timeline or not. It depends on when the feds can lower interest rates to help the real estate market. And that’s something I have no control over, and that really bothers me!

    2. Can't think of a funny name*

      This is tough if you don’t want to risk losing the sale. Were there any other offers? If so, I would tell her you are selling “as is” and she can decide if she’s going to walk away over gutters. Has an appraisal been done yet? If the house appraises for less than she offered, she’s most likely going to expect you to lower your price.

      1. PleaseNo*

        Thanks for the reply. This is the first and only offer i’ve had in 70+ days on market. I found out the house was a little overpriced once we got an offer on it and I asked my realtor for the comps. She didn’t keep me apprised of what the market was doing and how to keep the house competitive, so we probably lost out on buyers earlier this year.

        I haven’t been this broke since I’ve been in college, but before my realtor told me we had this offer a few weeks ago I was totally ready just to pull the plug and move into renting it and hoping to find a good renter. I was prepared to lose a few hundred dollars a month on it during its rental vs losing the thousands of dollars thought it was already costing me with it empty.

    3. KatEnigma*

      In the end, we were in a similar situation last winter. Not selling at a loss, but narrow thin margins to break even. And after the LAST thing went wrong, and they wanted a reduction in the price the week before closing, we finally said no. Just no. If they wanted to walk away, good luck to them. They said they were walking away. I said okay. They repeated it. I said I understood. And suddenly they signed the final papers and bought the house. Because I just couldn’t budge another inch.

      Having said that, we were in March, not December… I was confident that we’d have better luck on the Spring market than they would.

      If you have evidence of your realtor not acting in your best interest, report her!

        1. KatEnigma*

          We had given them the most cash allowed in the State to cover “anything found in the inspection” so when they came back to us, last minute, asking for more money because they found out the cost of replacing the carpet was more than they thought… not my problem. I had told them what the bottom line was, and it’s not my fault they didn’t believe me- not even really our realtor believed me. But enough was enough.

            1. Double A*

              Why would you want the seller to replace those? They’d be motivated to do it with the cheapest option available. Like, I’m of the mind that I don’t want people making cosmetic decisions about a house I’m looking to buy because I want to make those myself! That’s why flippers are so annoying.

              1. PleaseNo*

                I agree! When I bought the house that I’m now selling, just over a year ago, their carpets were original and over 30 years old. They must have thought they were fine and probably would have replaced them with something low quality. I thought I was going to live in the house a while so I bought a luxury carpet and the best padding with it and it made me so happy when I walked on that carpet. Every time. So soft and plush. I miss it.

                1. KatEnigma*

                  When we bought this house, it was from the original owner and the carpets upstairs were original and pristine. Seriously, they were the best looking 40 yr old carpets I’d ever seen.

                  Before we moved in, we replaced them allll with engineered hardwood. Because 1) we have dogs and 2) I don’t want to think about the amount of dust mites and ick in 40 yr old carpet.

              2. KatEnigma*

                Oh, they didn’t want US to replace them. They wanted us to reduce the agreed upon price of the house.

                You have to know what your bottom line is, and refuse to go below it, always, with real estate. Assuming you’re not delusional. I’m also pretty good at determining market value -2 houses ago, the realtor told me we were listing high, despite listing it for below what the house next door had JUST sold for. We sold that house in 2 weeks for $5k below asking, and they didn’t ask for a penny after the inspection. When we bought the house in question, we offered X. They insisted that it was worth 10k over X. I said fine, but when the appraisal comes back, we’re not paying a penny above appraisal. It appraised at exactly X.

                Anyway, the carpets had “pet odor” which we didn’t deny. Which is why we were offering the max amount allowed and we weren’t overpriced in what we were asking.

          2. PleaseNo*

            You sound amazing! I’m glad you were able to stand your ground and it worked out. I used to have something like that but my ex has really beaten it out of me and my therapy hasn’t uncovered it yet.
            Today’s market really scares me, and this being the only offer I’ve had this far has made me think that it’s this or nothing for a few years.
            I’m sure my realtor wants me to go through with this sale because she keeps telling me how much money she spent on staging my house, getting it cleaned, and taking pictures. I have always thought that’s just part of their regular commission, but she is taking an extra .5 percent from the buyer’s agent to “cover those costs”. I had asked her if that was going to affect the interest I would get on the house and she told me no. My good realtor friend later said that’s a lie and that realtors are greedy, so I did probably lose out on some potential buyers. :/

            2. KatEnigma*

              You really need to look at your contract to see when you can fire that realtor. Or maybe, since she’s complaining about you, she’ll mutually agree to letting you move on to someone else. But then report her!

              I was SO over that house, and our realtor (not as bad as yours, but omg) but like I said, it’s a lot easier to sell in March, rather than December and they had stretched it into March. Also, my husband was authorized for overtime right then, and it covered the mortgage on that house, so we weren’t feeling as pinched for money. If you can rent it out or hold on for the spring market, you’ll have better luck, even with the rates what they are!

            3. M2*

              Get a new realtor. Check your contract but also look into state regulations/ contact the agency the realtor works for.

              Your realtor wants the commission. Period. The fact they didn’t tell you comps up-front and is allegedly telling the buyers agent information before you is not ethical. Don’t let them push you into making a decision you don’t want to make.

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      Don’t focus your ire on the buyer. She’s trying to get the best deal possible for her. You should do the same for you. Her refusing to budge risks you walking away. You can refuse to budge and risk the same thing. It’s not about either of you doing the other one any favors. It’s each of you trying to get the best deal for yourselves. Think of it more as a competition between the two of you because it is basically a zero sum game. And if are unwilling to lose this sale because of the cost to go through this again, then the buyer does have an advantage in this game. But you can still do the best for you if you don’t want to own and pay mortgage and insurance for longer.

      Now if your agent is not acting in your best interest, that’s something to be mad about and potentially report to a governing body.

      1. PleaseNo*

        I do plan on reporting my realtor to the appropriate oversight body. But only after this is over, one way or the other! :)

        I don’t feel I have much control in a market like this where I had a lot of showings at the start but as I mentioned above, this is my first and only offer in 70+ days.
        I want to stand up for myself because it really feels like I’m being taken advantage of and after being abused by my ex-husband for years I don’t ever want to feel that way again. But I don’t know how to decide if standing up for myself is worth the worst case scenario here.
        It’s so hard to know when the market will turn around again and whether I can not just survive but be able to have a life of some sort until then.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          Is the agent part of an agency such as Baird & Warner, RE/MAX, Century 21 or something? I suggest complaining to the agency, to the head office if your agent is head of the local office. They may well assign someone else to work with you, since the perception that one of their agents is this unethical is bad for their reputation overall.
          Reporting to the licensing board may or may not do any good, and definitely not quickly.

      2. My name won’t save*

        Your agent can always agree to reduce the commission in order to make the sale. If the agent offers and you agree, changes in your contract with the agent can be made. In the days when the market was slow, this kind of thing happened often.
        Ask what your real estate agent can do to make the deal happen.

    5. Fly on the wall*

      Several years ago we had trouble selling a house when we moved to a different town, and didn’t want to take a loss. We ended up renting the house. We used company that took care of it for us in exchange for a percentage of the rent. It worked out well for a few years until the market went up and we could sell. I think with the mortgage and the odd repair here and there (the company took care of that and took it out off what they would have paid us) we only averaged $100 per month profit, but that was way better than a $20,000 loss for us. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

      1. PleaseNo*

        Thank you for your reply! The house in question is my third, and I have rented out my previous two places. The first one I ended up losing $130,000 when I finally sold it 11 years after I bought it at the top of the market previously. The second when I ended up making about $100,000 on it. So I’ve been 50/50 with renting success. I had some AWFUL renters and property management companies, having to take various renters and a property management company to court. Each time I swear I will never be a landlord again!

    6. Anonosaurus*

      The problem isn’t the buyer. She’s just trying to get the best deal. The issue is your agent is not advising you appropriately. Your agent is the person who should be advising you on the transaction and how to protect your position from a knowledge of the local market. If you have lost confidence in their advice the best thing you can do now is get a second opinion.

      1. PleaseNo*

        I am really fortunate that my awesome former realtor in my old state has become a friend and she is helping me out thankfully. I would be really in a worse state without her. She’s not familiar with my current state’s laws etc. but she definitely helps me with understanding what to ask my realtor and other people. And she is just as upset and frustrated with my realtor as I am, and based on my experiences selling this house has advised me to report my realtor.

    7. Maggie*

      This sounds like a normal buying process except your agent isn’t acting appropriately. The buyer is going to try for the best deal – I’m kind of confused by you saying she wouldn’t negotiate on the buying price – she made her offer and presumably you accepted it? So why would she just pay more after you accepted her offer? You don’t need to clean the gutters for her if you don’t want – just say you’re not doing that and the gutters come as is. It super super sucks that you’re taking a loss on the house and have been paying two mortgages but that doesn’t make the buyer a jerk for being firm in her offer or wanting the gutters cleaned.

      1. PleaseNo*

        Sure, let me add some clarity. Maybe i’m reading it differently than it can be seen —
        The buyer made an offer that was below comps. I counter offered her at just above the halfway point. And I was told (via the agent “telephone game”) that she would not accept any counter offers and just refused it. I told my agent to tell her that it was below the comps and that I wanted to work out a number that would make both of us feel comfortable. She still refused to budge. Since it was the only offer I’ve had in over 70 days on the market and having some money in the bank is appealing, I offered her her original offer. My realtor told me that she had to be convinced by her agent to accept her own offer. But she eventually did.
        So the price for the house is $30,000 under asking. My realtor blabbed to me that the buyer is going to redo the bathroom (where her own inspector caused some damage to my wall during the inspection). Plus she told me that the buyer is going to redo the driveway because she doesn’t like the slope of it. It sounds like she has plenty of money (she is currently living overseas so has not seen the house in person) so I’m not sure why she’s being so nitpicky and inflexible. Whereas for me, when I am out walking I am picking up every penny on the sidewalk!

        1. Kit Malone*

          She isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s in her interest to get the best deal she can, and if she didn’t want to pay more than she offered she’s under no obligation to negotiate! Your financial situation is not her responsibility and she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. How much money she has isn’t relevant. Your property is worth what it is worth to her, and as she’s your only offer that’s what it’s worth right now. If you aren’t willing to take the offer, walk away. But you aren’t being reasonable expecting her to pay more because you’re broke, I’m afraid.

          1. PleaseNo*

            Hmmm very true. You’re right that my financial straits are not her responsibility, in the same is true in reverse. Just like my agents financial problems are not my concern. But my agent keeps telling me stuff about the buyer like it should affect my decisions. I guess I thought it should go both ways then.
            But my agent sucks. I think she does want to make this deal happen so that she can get paid, not because of me. Maybe I’ll ask her to come down in her commission. The worst she can say is no right?

    8. Rick T*

      We just sold a house in As-Is condition (and so at a discount) and the Buyer started making demands. Our realtor was very good and coached us thru the process. Sometimes our answer was silence, once our answer to a different buyer’s agent we weren’t going to respond to their low-ball offer, and finally, we sent a “Release Contingency or Quit” letter when they were taking too much time to either accept the inspected condition of the house or not and move on. The Buyer released their contingencies and we closed on schedule.

      Your Realtor should be advising you to meet your goals, and if they aren’t you should complain to their office manager as they have a legal duty to represent your interests. If you can prove they are acting outside your instructions and against your interests they should be removed from the sale (IMO) by the master Realtor they are probably working for.

      My short answer is to refuse the buyer’s requests and see what they do.

      1. PleaseNo*

        Thank you for your reply and your story. That’s very interesting. It sounds like you had a lot of interest on your house? I had a lot of showings in the beginning back in September but nobody made any offers until the buyer I wrote in about.

        1. Rick T*

          We had several weeks of showings but eventually 4 offers all told. A lowball offer (much under our asking price) was from an investor who was going to flip the house. That is the one we officially ignored, but our agent told their agent “no way, too low”.

          The other offers were much closer to our price and we gave the last two chance to do a Best and Final offer. The eventual Buyer’s offer was “$x, or $1,000 over any other offer” but they were highest anyway.

          Our Realtor did use one trick when we got no offers from our first asking price. He pulled the listing completely, then relisted at the reduced price we agreed upon. He explained that doing it that way meant the listing didn’t show a price reduction.

          This was Fall of 2022 in a desirable area in Southern California were it was still a seller’s market.

          1. KatEnigma*

            Not every State allows you to pull the listing and relist it. ND, being one of those States that doesn’t allow it.

          2. PleaseNo*

            My old house is in a good area, it’s the cheapest house in the neighborhood by far! It also shows really well and has some luxurious items in it since I was planning on being in there a while. That’s why I was so surprised that we didn’t actually get any offers until this one.
            I don’t know if having just one offer is the fault of the local market (though other houses are moving), the larger countrywide financial issues, or my agent stinking at her job. If it’s the latter, then maybe I can walk away from this deal if I feel it’s not good for me and be ok later (and get a good realtor!).

    9. PleaseNo*

      Thank you to all the people who have engaged with me. It’s always a bit scary for me to ask for advice and help on the internet! Thank you for your kindness

    1. CTT*

      Me! The Arsenal game just started and I am keeping all my fingers crossed that they win! (Saka scored as I wrote this, so yay!)

    2. PoolLounger*

      Me! We got Peacock to watch the games, but I’m wishing Amazon’s Prine Sports had more games—I like the announcers better.

  35. Anonymous cat*

    What scenes from books from childhood or adolescence have you looked back on and said, Wait a minute! [X] happened?!
    Or something suddenly made sense that you didn’t understand back then?

    I’ll start: In the Little House on the Prairie books, when they’re in the town of DeSmet, at one point they’re staying in some building that has a lot of men suddenly visit one night. (I don’t remember the details why.) Pa told the girls and his wife to go upstairs and bar the door, and he stayed downstairs with them all night as the men got drunker and drunker.

    At the time I just thought they were worried about the drunk men making a mess and trashing the downstairs. But much later I realized that Pa was worried about the drunks assaulting his wife and 4 daughters! Also, maybe setting the building on fire as they were drinking.

    (To end this story, I think the downstairs might have been trashed but the family upstairs was safe. They got lucky that night.)

    What did you suddenly understand from your childhood reading?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not from reading, but my housemate was watching Ghostbusters a couple years ago and the “He’s a sailor in New York, we’ll just get him laid and we won’t have any trouble” crack registered for the first time in what, 30+ years of watching the movie. :P

    2. KatEnigma*

      Not to answer your question, but I think that scene is from the land rush- no inn in town, it was still freezing outside (South Dakota. Now I really understand THAT part, having lived in ND)so they felt obligated to house/feed everyone coming through on the way to make a claim. Pa and Mr Boast then decided they’d better haul their rears to make their claims too, leaving the womenfolk to deal the best they could. But Ma kept the shotgun handy and they didn’t allow any drinking. Then finally someone put up the hotel in town and they took themselves out of the boarding house business.

      Actually, almost the opposite happened. Our first blizzard in ND, I was shocked at how much of a nonevent it was- at least in town. Modern lights and snow removal equipment (and lots of buildings to break the wind) make it not really an issue there. Because in ND, most of the power lines are underground, so you don’t lose power (unlike in Buffalo) so it’s just a matter of staying inside until the snow crews get out to clear. The open highway is dangerous, only because with nothing to block the snow/wind you can’t SEE. So they close down the highways until it stops blowing, and then plow. But we never would have gotten lost on the way to the barn…

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Also from the Little House books, I remember a few years ago just fully out of nowhere realizing “Pa did blackface!!!!” I recently read the first couple books to my daughter and the whole “Prairie” one is FASCINATING as an adult who realizes how horrible that era of history was – this family you’re supposed to like and support being like “oh yeah, they can just leave, this land is for us now” and acting like the Native people they encounter are the problem.

      1. WellRed*

        I had the same thought while reading Caroline, a fictional take from her view. In addition to the Native American stuff, I was horrified at how much of a burden she shared to support the family, even when 8 months pregnant.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Omg yes, also as an adult being like wow, they keep uprooting their whole lives and literally leaving their friends and family behind FOREVER because of Pa’s “adventurous spirit” (massive debt). No wonder Ma was so grouchy most of the time lmao

          1. My name won’t save*

            And the real life Caroline Ingalls was only about 4’6”. Pretty tiny to help build a house! Charles Ingalls was about 5’2”,

      2. KatEnigma*

        One of the reasons there is a big call to cancel them.

        Which I find unfair, because for their time, they WERE sensitive to Native American issues, and Pa and Laura both defend the Natives all through the series, even putting their own lives at risk to help one escape a mob who accused him of horse thievery. Describing the way things honestly were back then was most definitely NOT endorsing it. Explicitly not, in this instance.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I wish we as a society could read things critically. If someone in the modern day tried to write “Little House” with the right modern day attitudes on all things, it would just be confusing and nobody would understand how bad things ever happened in the past – or what it really felt like to live in that era. People can do good things and also have the ideas of their times. We all do now, too, we just don’t realize it yet. I hope future people are more enlightened when they read our accounts and understand that we may have wanted to be good and do good … but also didn’t understand that robots were sentient yet, or that lots of things like gender identity were evolving, or whatever, and extend us some grace.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            Yep, I wouldn’t leave a child to read them without having some conversations about them, but they’re honestly a really good age-appropriate way to introduce the history as well as concepts like racism and injustice.

            1. AY*

              I bought my nieces the Little House on the Prairie series along with Louise Erdrich’s Birchbark series for this reason. I loved Little House and learned so much about life in that era, and I would hate to deprive this generation of enjoying the same experience. Fortunately, there are a lot more books out now that offer a more complete picture of American life.

        2. scarlet magnolias*

          I always hated Pa Ingalls and Bronson Alcott who dragged their poor female family members all over to escape debt and follow their dreams. What a pair of losers

      3. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Off topic but I seem to be the only one who remembers watching Roma Downey in blackface in the 90s!

        1. Liminality*

          Nope, I definitely remember that too. And I was astonished that the plot points got past whatever censors they had at the time. Even in the 90s I was asking “What were they thinking?!”

          1. Sabine the Very Mean*

            Yeah I was pretty young but I remember going, “I feel in my bones that this is bad”.

            1. Liminality*

              Mine was more, “This does not address the issue they are pretending it does” The guys were chasing her into the park (cemetery?) and she prayed to be white again so they wouldn’t hurt her. And then the “gotcha” moment at the end she says, “oh my black friends are so much stronger than me ‘cause in that same situation I would not have prayed to be black.” And I kind of blue-screened cause…. Yeah, they were racists intent on violence. No one would pray for Devine intervention to turn themselves into an unnecessary target.

              It was definitely a weird plot concept for Touched By An Angel

        2. allathian*

          Star Trek TOS and TNG were horrible about blackface for Klingons. Sure, there are “white” Klingons, too, but both Suzie Plakzon who played K’Ehleyr, and all the 5 actors who played Worf’s son Alexander were actually white but appeared black.

          DS9 is somewhat better, they sometimes have several characters played by Black actors (Sisko, Worf, Dr. Bashir) on screen at the same time, talking about important plot points for minutes at a time.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Haha a really obvious one, but at one point I rewatched the movie Grease, which I used to watch all the time as a young kid. I was like ??? – I didn’t remember the whole condom scene with the car rocking. I must have just glossed over it, although I understood Rizzo’s pregnancy later. I just liked the bright outfits, singing and dancing haha.

        1. Anonymous cat*

          Same here! I was so shocked at some of the lyrics! (Not that they happened, but that they were in a “family” movie.)

            1. Owler*

              How about Greased Lightnin’ for these gems: “You are supreme, the chicks’ll cream, for greased lightnin’…
              and “You know that I ain’t braggin’, she’s a real pussy wagon…”

            3. The Prettiest Curse*

              “Tell Me More” is most definitely not appropriate for kids, unless you want them to absorb some extremely old-school ideas about consent. Specifically, the bit that goes “Tell me more, tell me more/did she put up a fight?”

              People remember Grease as a fun, cute musical when in fact it’s a giant pile of misogynist trash that has a few catchy songs.

          3. The OG Sleepless*

            Grease came out when I was in 4th or 5th grade, and my parents wouldn’t let me see it. I literally didn’t see it until I was in college (and I was aghast; I hated the idea that Sandy had to reinvent herself to snag a boy).

        2. Pamela Adams*

          I saw Cabaret as a kid. Again, loved the songs and dance didn’t catch so much of the rise of Naziism.

        3. PoolLounger*

          I watched it as a kid and just liked Rizzo and the songs. I didn’t pick up on the raunchy stuff.

      2. ecnaseener*

        I think the condom scene was cut in some versions for tv or something – I definitely also hadn’t seen it as a kid.

        1. Auntie Matter*

          Oh my God. I NEVER understood that was supposed to be a condom reference till right now.

          1. ecnaseener*

            Lol I’m wondering if you’ve also only seen the versions where this scene was cut, bc it’s not a reference – it’s a condom shown and discussed onscreen.

    5. Anonymous cat*

      Another one–somewhere in the mists of time I read a book where the kids formed a kind of committee to discuss something and one of them was elected the Chair. And for the rest of the scene that kid was referred to as “the Chair” and the Chair would roll its eyes and allow people to say such-and-such, and I really thought there was a Chair with eyes in the room that took over the meeting!

      Years later, that scene popped into my head and I suddenly realized the author was making jokes! “The Chair” was the kid and the scene was supposed to be funny!

      (I think I remembered this scene so many years later because I was so puzzled by it as a kid that I read it over and over, trying to figure out where that chair came from….)

      1. Buni*

        I’m in my 40s, on a lot of committees, and I *still* find it amusing when someone if referred to either to their face or in the minutes as ‘The Chair’. Even when I had been there and I know it was just Matt or Jane or whoever it’s still funny.

    6. Girasol*

      I read Alcott’s Eight Cousins when I was a little girl. As it begins, orphaned Rose had gone to live with her aunts until her uncle returned from the sea to be her guardian. She was wan and pale, spending her days weeping, so her aunts tried everything to build up her health. In one attempt, “They gave her enough iron to build a stove…” meaning, of course, that they dosed her with iron tonics. But knowing how my mother had a stock of inexpensive paint-by-number and mosaic kits to amuse me when I was sick, kid-me thought that the aunts gave Rose a do-it-yourself Easy Bake cast iron stove kit.

        1. Agnes*

          In one of the Anne of Green Gables books there’s a scene where she’s talking about whether someone threw something in a pond, and the other person says, No, that was just their embroidery. For years I thought someone had thrown a craft project in the pond and was completely confused, before I realized as an adult that he meant she embroidered the story.

          Also, I read the Little House books as an adult and was stunned at how difficult their life was, especially for Ma. As a kid it all sounded fun!

          1. Lexi Vipond*

            Hmm, I’ve always read that one literally, and although I see what you mean, I think I still do!

            1. Valancy Snaith*

              This is in Anne of Windy Poplars (Windy Willows), and it’s the actual embroidery in question. The man has a reputation for having a temper and it’s rumoured he threw a book out the window. Later on Anne asks him and he says “I did fire the book through the window. But I picked it up again the next day for the sake of the Bugle Song. I’d forgive anybody anything for that. It didn’t go into George Clarke’s lily pond–that was old Prouty’s embroidery.”

              I think the intention is that Miss Prouty embroidered the story to describe the book as flying into the lily pond, considering that a few pages prior to this she is described as being the genesis of the lily-pond story to begin with. It’s a little unclearly-written, probably because like most of the stories in Anne of Windy Poplars and Anne of Ingleside, it is based on an earlier short story that Montgomery rewrote with Anne and her family as framing, and didn’t undergo as strict of an editing process as earlier books.

    7. Irish Teacher.*

      Minor, but a couple of years ago, I read that TB once contracted lies dormant and can affect the person years or decades later and I was like so THAT is what the Chalet School meant when it talked about girls being “delicate” due to having relatives in the (TB) sanatorium. I used to wonder if it was a euphemism for mental illness due to the trauma of a parent or sibling dying or something. But now I assume it means they were in contact with TB and may have a latent infection.

    8. Jamie Starr*

      Not a book, but I totally did not get that Penny had an illegal abortion in Dirty Dancing. (I was in junior high at the time the film came out, but I guess a bit sheltered when it came to that sort of thing.)

      1. Manders*

        I was maybe 9 or 10 when my parents took me to see that in the theater, and I didn’t understand why at the time but I distinctly remember them asking all sorts of questions after the movie to see how much I understood (answer: nothing. Probably also would have been nothing when I was in high school, I was pretty sheltered).

        1. Jamie Starr*

          I also wonder if part of it had to do with the fact that abortion was legal when the film came out. So even though I knew the film was set in the 1960s (as it’s referenced to at the beginning), my knowledge of 60s history and specifically that abortion was illegal then would have been lacking. I wouldn’t have had any reason to actually consider that it was illegal because that wasn’t the reality for me as a teen-aged girl.

          But in addition, they never say the word “abortion” or even use the word pregnant (iirc) – just that she needs money to go to a doctor; and afterwards Johnny’s cousin makes vague references to how terrible the “doctor’s office” was. I watched that movie so much my VHS tape of it wore out and I still don’t think I put it together until much, much later.

          1. Felis alwayshungryis*

            She does say that she’s ‘knocked up’ – but that’s probably a term that would go over most kids’ heads.

          2. Anonymous cat*

            It’s been years since I’ve seen it but doesn’t Baby tell the guy that Penny needs money for an abortion? Or do they use euphemisms for that part?

            I remember her arguing with him and him refusing but not the exact language.

            1. Jamie Starr*

              Not sure who the “guy” you’re referring to is…

              When Baby finds out Penny’s pregnant, she assumes Johnny is the father and asks, “What’s he gonna do about it?” which Johnny takes offense at. Then at some point Johnny’s cousin tells Johnny there’s a doctor Penny can go to, but it costs $200. That’s when Baby asks her father for the money…but says she can’t tell him what it’s for.

              Baby has to learn Penny’s dance routine because the only day the “doctor” can see Penny is when she & Johnny are supposed to perform at the Sheldrake, so Baby fills in for her. When Johnny & Baby get back from the Sheldrake, Penny is sick in bed and Johnny’s cousin explains that the doctor’s office was filthy and he tried to break into the locked door to rescue her, but to no avail. Baby then runs to get her father, a doctor, who treats Penny. He says to Baby, “Is that what my money paid for?”

              Later that same night Baby visits Johnny in his room and that’s the first time they have sex. The next day Baby goes to visit Penny (and Johnny is there). Penny is feeling better and makes mention that Dr. Hausman (sp? Baby’s father) says she’ll still be able to have children; which would have been another reference to what the procedure was. But I’m 100% sure the word abortion is not used and 99% sure the word pregnant/pregnancy is not used.

              [When I say I wore out my VHS tape, I mean I.knew.every.line. :-) ]

              1. KatEnigma*

                Anonymous Cat must mean Robbie, when she went to him to see what he was going to “do about it” and he shoves Ayn Rand at her instead.

                1. Anonymous cat*

                  Yes, that’s exactly the scene I was thinking of! I remembered the father was a waiter and had an Ayn Rand book but not much more.

                  And both Jamie and Kat–you really know that movie!!! I’d pick you for my trivia team any day!

            2. KatEnigma*

              I don’t remember if Baby specifically asks Robbie for the money, citing an abortion. I’m not sure she got that far, since he denied it was his because of the kind of girl he thought Penny was.

              Baby doesn’t tell her Dad what the money is for. And he asks her specifically if it’s for something illegal, and she says no. Abortion was decidedly illegal in 1963- and the year was established in the very first line of the movie.

              1. allathian*

                I always got the idea that they were talking about an abortion, and Jamie Starr’s post above pretty much confirms it. But because I was a teenager when I first saw the movie, and abortions were definitely legal at the time, I never caught on that it was an illegal abortion. Dirty Dancing was one of the movies that my college friends and I always put on in the background when we met at someone’s apartment before going clubbing. So I’ve seen the first 3/4 of the movie dozens of times, but the whole thing maybe five times… When I later realized that the abortion was illegal, I took it for granted that Baby lied to her father.

    9. RussianInTexas*

      Three Musketeers. I read it first when I was about 9-10?
      D’Artagnan visited Mylady most evenings. Didn’t clock until I was a late ten on WHAT he was visiting her for.

    10. SarahKay*

      The Valley of Adventure by Enid Blyton. Four kids get stuck in a deserted valley in mid-Europe and spend a lot of the time discussing how to find a pass to get out of the valley. As a child growing up in the UK, I couldn’t understand why they just didn’t walk over the mountains; how hard could it be? (I’d climbed Ben Nevis when I was 11, which is our highest mountain, so thought I knew what I was talking about.)
      In my late thirties I stayed in a small town in northern Italy, located in a valley plain and surrounded by seriously – seriously! – steep mountains. I looked up at the slopes and suddenly the whole not-being-able-to-just-walk-up-the-mountain thing made sense to me.

    11. anxiousGrad*

      When I was 8 I got a book from the Scholastic book fair about a 15-year-old lawyer (the premise alone is wild, I know). There’s a scene where she’s at a party at her friend’s house and the mom of the friend encourages her and her other 15-year-old friends to drink a lot of the punch. After all of her friends pass out, the main character realizes that the punch had alcohol in it. Looking back on this over the years I’ve gotten more and more confused about what the mom’s motivation was. Why was she so intent on getting a bunch of unwitting teenagers drunk? Why was this even a scene in a children’s book?

    12. New Mom*

      Clueless:
      Tae: I could go for an herbal refreshment.
      Cher: oh, we don’t have tea but we have Coke.
      Tae: you have coke here?!
      Cher: duh, this is America

      Totally went over my head the first few years haha.

  36. Qwerty*

    Looking for TV show recommendations that are good for half-watching.

    I like doing crafts (knit, crochet, needlepoint) while watching TV and used be super productive because I had a few shows to cycle through that each had 10 seasons, but now I find them all too dark to be captivating. I tend to bookend the craft while actually watching TV (ex: dinner before crafting, or winding down before bed), so bonus points if its something that’s decent to fully watch. I seem drawn to more drama/storyline rather than pure comedy.

    Stuff I used to craft to but am over
    – Police procedurals – NCIS, Castle, Law&Order SVU
    – CW shows – Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, Originals, Reign

    I have two baby blankets to finish and the baby is due any day now! I tried British Bake Show, Big Bang, and Doctor Who but ended up actually watching the shows instead of crafting. Lots of good shows on netflix recently but you actually have to pay attention to them since seasons are only 6 episodes. My NYE tradition is LOTR marathon and finishing my half-done crafts, but I’m a little overloaded on middle earth after watching rings of power.

    Help? I’ve seen lots of good tv recs here that I’ve enjoyed for fully paying attention to, hoping I’m not the only one who listens to dramas in the background

    *Podcasts sadly don’t work, my brain just tunes them out. Music triggers me to go clean something

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I usually do true crime while I knit, there’s whole channels for it on streaming sites – Investigation Discovery is a good one. Forensic Files on Netflix is how I got started with true crime shows though, if you already have that. If you prefer fiction, Criminal Minds works well too.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Sorry, I saw “police procedurals” and glossed over the “they’ve gotten too dark” part!

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I could recommend American Greed or Bizarre Murders in this vein.

          I also like cooking shows for this kind of viewing.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also on Netflix – Travelers, Sense8, Glitch – but they might be too engrossing too :)

    2. Anonymous cat*

      Do the Marvel movies interest you? You could pick a character and watch the movies that focus on that particular character, or just play the series in order if no preference.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      Do you like comedy? Maybe Brooklyn 99 or The Good Place? Myself, I like rewatching Poirot and Marple.

    4. KatEnigma*

      That’s what I use old game shows and old sit coms for- we cut the cord, but get Buzzr and Decades over the air. Reruns of Password or Cheers entertain me, but don’t take my concentration. Or any of the streaming services have various 80’s and 90’s sitcoms to stream.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        I second this. I still enjoy Match Game from the 1970s and watch it on YouTube. I often laugh out loud at the panelists’ witticisms, and the fashions are fun. I can play solitaire off to the side and still watch the show, more or less.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My go-to for that kind of thing is HGTV or Food Network (especially Chopped). For me it’s usually dishes or laundry rather than crafting. I half-watch, half-listen. HGTV in particular is good for this because they tend to repeat what they say and do after each commercial break which I find annoying if I’m just watching and don’t mind at all if I’m using it as background.

      Don’t ask me why I can do this with Chopped and not with the Great British Baking Show…

      1. KatEnigma*

        Because Chopped is basically the same thing every episode, with different ingredients (everyone is going to make bread pudding for the dessert round), but the Great British Baking Show pays more emphasis on the personalities involved.

        I feel the same way about Fixer Upper (and now, Restoring Galveston) vs all the other HGTV shows. If I like the people involved, I want to watch watch. Otherwise, it’s just pleasant background noise.

        1. Qwerty*

          My theory on Great British Baking Show is because they focus on technique and specifically don’t try to trip anyone up. You find yourself wanting to know *how* they make these show stoppers. The Final Table was the same way and was the first cooking show I actually paid attention to. Normally cooking shows are a way to get me to avoid watching TV so I go fold laundry to get away from it.

    6. CatCat*

      The Dynasty reboot is a CW show and now all seasons are on Netflix. It’s a ridiculous soap opera and a total guilty pleasure. It’s okay if you half tune it out because the plots are nonsense anyway.

      Also, foreign language dramas might be a good choice and Netflix has a lot of them.

    7. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Animal Planet, Discovery or NatGeo shows for me. If one of the zoo shows comes on, I might pay attention to just the little bit about the anteater, for instance, and then half-listen to the bit on the zebras. I half-watch shows like Expedition Unknown, or Mysteries at the Museum; they’re interesting without being captivating.

      Do you enjoy watching sports? I half-watch football (American) while doing something else.

    8. Elle Woods*

      Chicago Fire may fit the bill for you. There’s enough drama in it to be interesting but it’s balanced out with some humor and romance too.

    10. Hanani*

      Maybe you could watch a show through once and then be able to tune it out? I recommend shows like The Good Place, Derry Girls, and Never Have I Ever, but they definitely can’t be half-watched the first time through

      1. Anonymous cat*

        I have to do this on any show I like! Second time, I can go in and out on attention, but I must actually watch it the first time.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I second this – Gilmore Girls, Friends, Seinfeld or the Good Place are all my go to background shows!

        1. Dicey Tillerman*

          Me, too! My go-to shows for background noise are The West Wing, ER, Law & Order: SVU, and Rizzoli & Isles.

    11. KR*

      If you have Pluto TV, there’s a whole channel that plays Forensics Files and Cold Case Files, or whatever it’s called. They’re interesting but don’t get too dark or dramatic, and they’re short! Also free.

    12. sewsandreads*

      MY PEOPLE!

      Full disclosure, I’m usually a period drama viewer. But, here are shows I’ve had on in 2021-2022 while crafting (most are on this list as rewatches, but some might not work on a first watch through, so I’ll mark those with an asterisk):
      – Downton Abbey
      – Outlander*
      – The Crown
      – Emily in Paris
      – The Flatshare
      – The Serpent Queen* (not really working for me as a crafting show but YMMV)
      – The Bold Type
      – Bridgerton
      – Last Czars*
      – Derry Girls
      – Jane the Virgin
      – Good Omens
      – Rosehaven (Australian — depends how you are with our way of speaking I guess?)
      – Call the Midwife
      – Grand Designs
      – Gilded Age

      If I’m doing stuff by hand I can put on panel shows (Big Fat Quiz, etc) but I love trivia so I usually get distracted easily.

      1. KatEnigma*

        Yeah. I’ve never started Outlander only because I think it will require too much of my attention, and I never seem to have time/energy for that.

        I’d also put an asterix beside Derry Girls for the reason you did Rosehaven. I’m good with accents, but Derry Girls takes more attention than most…

        1. sewsandreads*

          True re Derry Girls — completely forgot about that part! And outlander definitely requires attention. It’s only become a quilting show for me because I’ve seen it enough.

    14. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Any of the Hallmark or similar Christmas movies are good for half watching. My fav is The Knight Before Christmas on Netflix

    15. Bagpuss*

      Lucifer? It’s sort of police procedural but with a fair bit of humour and supernatural elements.
      Or maybe things such as Father Brown, Rosemary & Thyme, or Agatha Raisin, all of which are at the lower budget, cozier end of the police / crime genre. You might enjoy ‘Grantchester’ (Attractive young Vicar teams up with grouchy older police officer to fight crime in 1950s Cambridge)
      I am not sure how many of those will be available where you are.

    16. Fellow Traveller*

      I really liked Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. I find the plots themselves are not too twisty so I can watch/ listen while doing other things.

    17. SofiaDeo*

      Wall of Chefs, Wall of Bakers. Lots of dialogue, with snippets of things to watch. I love love love that it’s Canadian, and not the super fast US “20 things going on every minute.” I’m born & bred US, but finding I am watching more Canadian and British and other stuff, the pace of US shows has gotten so frenzied.

    18. Scout Finch*

      Early Edition – used to be on MeTV – may be on another station now
      In Plain Sight – Shows on MeTV
      Murdoch Mysteries – Canadian show, but may be on ion or such in the US

    19. Marion Ravenwood*

      Can you get Death in Paradise where you are? It’s a British crime drama set on a Caribbean island. Very gentle, kind of formulaic (in that every episode follows the same setup), fish-out-of-water style humour with the uptight British detective dealing with island life. If you like softer police procedurals it sounds like the sort of thing that could tick a lot of boxes.

      1. allathian*

        Yup, seconding. Another show in a similar vein is The Ladies’ Number One Detective Agency. There’s a heavier off-screen back story involving the death of a child/pregnancy loss and domestic violence, but it’s not shown on screen except in a few flashbacks, if that. I haven’t seen the show since 2008 when it first came out, so I’m a bit unclear on the details.

    20. allathian*

      Reruns of shows that you’ve seen before and enjoyed and aren’t too heavy?

      Poirot and Marple are good for that, if you know the stories somewhat already and are watching it for the ambience.

      Or maybe some classic science-fiction, like 90s Star Trek?

  37. Teapot Translator*

    My tooth aches and Fully keeps screwing up with my order… Please share with me something good that happened to you this year? Me, I got a custom made bookcase and it’s very pretty.

    1. Elle Woods*

      This summer I reconnected with a cousin I had not seen in nearly 15 years. Even though the occasion that brought us together (death of an aunt & uncle) was sad, it was wonderful to see her and we’ve been keeping in regular touch the past few months.

    3. the plague*

      I tried making biscotti for the first time. Modified a recipe I found online and it’s sooo good.

  38. Bibliovore*

    Hot water heaters.
    tankless vs. tank.
    Tankless- better for the environment, not really “on-demand” more money, more instalation issues- electrical and plumbing.
    Tank- not sure of size. big. less money.
    Who has what and are there pitfalls?

    1. KatEnigma*

      I still prefer tankless. But the delay to getting the hot water took some getting used to- and sometimes I had to go into the bathroom and open the faucet, because it has to be a big enough “draw” to trigger it, and whatever I was doing in the kitchen wasn’t enough…

      But it cut our heating bill immediately and significantly, despite my husband and son taking MUCH longer showers because they never ran out of hot water.

    2. Liminality*

      I’m temporarily living with relatives who have the tankless heater. It can make enough heat to run two things, but not three. e.g. shower, dishwasher, laundry, etc…
      It has the benefit of continuous heat which is nice. The pipes to the master bath go through the foundation and back when they had a tank it took most of the hot water to warm the pipe so there was not enough got water to fill the tub! That is no longer a problem as one the pipe is warm the hot water just keeps on coming.

      1. KatEnigma*

        That depends on the unit. We bought one that could supply hot water to 5 things, specifically. Our plumber advised it, just in case. And at that point, the price difference wasn’t much.

    3. BonVoyage*

      We have a tank but the other units in my building have tankless. Our inspector advised us to switch to tankless when ours goes, since those last about twice as long (20 years), and the cost to replace it would be comparable after the initial installation costs.

      My top-floor neighbors with a tankless unit have said it takes their water a while to heat up, since it’s traveling a long distance from the basement where the heater is, but that’s their only complaint. (I think they make fancy tankless models with some sort of “instant hot” setup, but they didn’t spring for that kind. It probably doesn’t matter if you’ve got a one-floor living setup, though.)

      If you do decide to get a tank model, make sure it’s big enough! The first tank in my previous apartment was way too small. When it broke (it was realllly old), the lovely maintenance guy replaced it with the right-sized tank. That made a huge difference–I could actually take a hot shower without the water turning lukewarm halfway through. So I’m not sure what size you’d need, but don’t go too small.

    4. Llellayena*

      I like the appeal of tankless for the energy savings and the space issues, though I don’t have one (yet). If you’ve got a distance from HW heater to where you’re using it, look at a supplemental point-of-use water heater. These are small enough to fit under the sink and just give the immediate boost until the main water supply warms up.

    5. sagewhiz*

      I adore the endless hot shower on cold winter days…the “downside” of that being I don’t want to get out because the water never runs cold.

      Being a water miser, I keep gallon jugs under my kitchen sink to catch the water (about a half gallon) until it runs hot. That then gets used to water outdoor plants.

      What no one told me (for several years) is the unit does have to be flushed and de-scaled annually, which means a plumber’s service call and fee.

      1. Bibliovore*

        yes, the more I read about the tankless, the less appealing. If you have hard water- which I do, there is recommended twice annual maintenance.

        1. irene adler*

          Oh please share! I’m doing the tank v.tankless calculation myself. One plumber suggested installing a water softener system** along with the tankless to reduce the need to descale.

          Course, that’s lots more $ upfront. And maintenance on the softener system too.

          **there are different kinds. Some do not add sodium to the water- something I don’t want.

      3. WFH FTW*

        +1 for tankless. We’ve had ours for 12-15 years. It serves our needs nicely and have never run out of hot water, even with guests. For anything small (like washing my face), I put the kettle on and use that instead of running the faucet ’til it’s hot. Our water comes out very cold (like, no kidding, down from the mountains), so heating up a small amount works for me.

          1. WFH FTW*

            Like others above, depends on the room I’m in. Closer to the source, just a few minutes. Elsewhere in the house (father away), feels like several minutes. I’ve gotten irritated about how long it’s taken to get hot water, only to realize I’ve got the cold tap going. Ugh. .. this house every sink is plumbed differently. Is cold on the left or the right?? Depends what room you’re in!

    6. Sally*

      Our boiler (steam heat) theoretically provides tankless hot water but always ran out before the tub had enough water to bathe little kids.

      We got something that is basically a giant thermos bottle with a temperature gauge. It monitors the temperature of the water in the “thermos” (tank). There is no heating element, which in a conventional hot water heater is the thing that fails and rusts out the bottom (=water leaks out). With the “thermos” when the water temp drops, the water travels back to the boiler to get heated up. The “thermos” tank is similar in capacity to a conventional water heater.

      I’m not sure of the official name of this kind of system. It has worked well for us and still going strong for over 25 years.

    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      We have a tankless electrical heater in the kitchen (we’re living in a rented flat) and whilst the water takes a liiittle longer getting hot in the bathroom, I love that we never run out of hot water.
      Our system is definitely not checked once a year but then we live in a place with highly regulated and frequently checked tap water supply, so maybe that plays into the necessary amount of maintenance.
      Also: a tankless heater only heats the required amount of water (plus a tad bit more than you needed because it was still on its’ way through the pipes), meaning you 1) only use the amount of energy required for that and not so much that you would heat up a whole tank full, and 2) no big amounts of warm-ish water stagnant in a tank for however many hours at a time, and so – to my knowledge at least – much less risk of unhealthy amounts of bacteria developing in the water.

    8. Bibliovore*

      Tankless is winning. doing more research. I am feeling that it would be a good investment in the house.

  39. Elle Woods*

    Does anyone else here pick a word (or words) to explore in the upcoming year? I’ve done it for a few years now but am thinking of repeating this year’s word as, frankly, 2022 was a hot bleepin’ mess for me.

      1. Elle Woods*

        The first time I picked a word for the year, it was focus. Hope it works out as well for you as it did for me. Happy New Year!

    2. Aphrodite*

      Yes!

      I haven’t done New Year’s resolutions in several years but three years ago I decided to pick a Word of the Year. It is fantastic as I can feel it moving me in the direction of the word. I say and think it multiple times a day even on the most challenging days. It must be a word that is not too narrow (not a goal) nor too amorphous. During the last couple of weeks of the year I begin to think about it by letting the idea roll around in my subconscious. I also will help it along if a word is good but not exactly right by using a thesaurus. Eventually the right word always comes up.

      I really love this idea and have shared it with some close friends. They are crazy about it too.

      1. Elle Woods*

        I love that you let your word come to you rather than try and force it. And I love that you & your friends do this together. So much fun!

    3. Victoria, Please*

      My first word for 2023 was Home. Then I started thinking, I also want to free myself of old baggage in many ways. So my real word now is “home free.”

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      I used to, but then picked “integrity” for 2021. I have been apprehensive about trying again.
      The idea was not only to have integrity myself, but also to be conscious of examples of integrity in others. Let’s just say that part was a bit of a challenge!

  40. I have a question*

    I’m looking for stories about pursuing, or not pursuing, an autism diagnosis as a middle aged (30s/40s) woman. Specifically would love to know what made you choose to pursue or not pursue the diagnosis, and whether the benefits of having it on the record for accommodations/explanatory social power/etc have outweighed the downsides.

    1. Selene*

      I’ve chosen not to pursue a diagnosis, but some reading and conversations with my therapist have led me to conclude I’m likely autistic. I was raised in a family that was good about accommodating what we thought of as individual quirks, and I’m able to arrange my life in ways that maintain those strategies now. I don’t need an official diagnosis for anything, so I haven’t pursued one.

      A friend (whose own journey was one of the things that kicked off mine) did choose to pursue diagnosis. For that person, official confirmation helped them feel okay to ask for what they needed. My understanding (secondhand! I’d be happy to be wrong about this!) is that diagnosis for adults – particularly women, and particularly people who don’t have the classic presentation of autism – is still in its infancy. My friend found an organization run by neuroatypical people that’s apparently legit enough to get some accommodations, but described the process as not being exactly standardized.

    2. Filosofickle*

      My story is like Selene: my therapist and I agree I am likely AuDHD (new info in my late 40s), I’d intuitively created a life of accommodations, and there isn’t a pressing need for an official diagnosis. My support needs are fairly low across the board, which helps. What I need at work, like working remotely to limit sensory stuff and overwhelm, I already have without the paperwork. Socially I feel pretty comfortable talking about it with my friends and saying, hey that thing I do is probably related to being ND and they don’t require proof :)

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am 42 and have deliberately chosen not to seek a specific diagnosis. I am definitely some form of neurodivergent and land VERY hard to that end of the scale on informal evaluations. But I have spent most of my life learning to deal with my quirks and in many cases how to make them work for me. I haven’t ever gotten to a point where I needed accommodations (at work – I probably could have used some at school as a kid, but that ship has sailed) and I’m not terribly concerned about social settings, as I’m a massive introvert and avoid people most of the time anyway. Haha. I don’t have the standard presentations of autism, and very little overlap with the “this is what autism looks like in women” literature either, so I don’t know what flavor of neurodivergent I am, but it also doesn’t much matter the specifics to me. I muddle through :)

      1. Inkhorn*

        I’m 38 and relate to most of this. My brain definitely has its quirks and seems to be missing some of the standard wiring, but I don’t match the clinical descriptions of … anything, really. I’ve got the intellectual strengths you can find with ASD – the abilities with patterns and categorising – and the social awkwardness and tendency to get overwhelmed by noise, but not the repetitive behaviours or the special interests, and the social issues are all on the output side rather than the input. Meaning, I have an entirely neurotypical ability to read people and social situations, I just often don’t know how to respond, or need a few moments to remember what the expected next conversational step is, or I think of something to say but don’t think to actually say it. I do much better if I have a “script”, or at least a good idea of how the interaction is likely to play out.

        I thought about pursuing a diagnosis just to have an explanation of why I am the way I am, but decided against it. It would be $1500-2500+, which is a lot of mortgage repayments to spend on something with no guaranteed result. As well as not matching any specific “flavour” of ND, I’m the sort of person unlikely to be diagnosed (female, able to “act normal” on cue, long-term job*, long-term relationship**, strong language skills, not experiencing any real problems). There’s too much chance of being dismissed as “just” having anxiety or social anxiety, or being given a label that’s highly stigmatising, like a personality disorder.

        Like you, I’m largely able to dodge social issues by being a major introvert, and I know how to avoid over-loud environments or to recover afterwards if I can’t. And I’ve managed to land at a quiet workplace where the way my brain works is considered an asset, and the work plays to my strengths. A formal diagnosis isn’t actually necessary for me.

        (* and ** – Granted, it’s an open question in my mind whether either of those things would be the case if my boss hadn’t intentionally created an ND-friendly workplace, and my boyfriend wasn’t ND…)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Your first paragraph, it me! (Except with jokes. I’m terrible at telling when people are joking, unless it’s very obvious sarcasm. I’m always the one explaining the joke. :-P ) But I’m a manager and married and all that normalish jazz.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        I didn’t realize I had a younger sister! At 53, I’ve just about grown into most of my quirks. I can’t say that my family has been understanding, but they’ve long since given up on trying to make me “behave”.
        I have no desire for any kind of diagnosis because there’s nothing wrong, this is just how I am. Others are free to take it or leave it.
        Childhood and school were half a disaster, but as an adult I am able to create any accommodations that I might need.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Haha, several of my family have their own quirks and even actual diagnoses in a couple cases. Pretty sure whatever flavor of ND I am, my dad is in a similar boat, and part of why I have so much practice at making my nonsense work is that my brother was diagnosed ADHD with a traditional (male) presentation when we were kids so a lot of the focus was on him.

    4. Princess Deviant*

      I decided to get a diagnosis after posting on here several years ago.
      I didn’t think it would make a difference but it’s helped me understand the difficulties I’ve had over the years and put them into context which had been invaluable in rewriting the narrative of my childhood in particular.
      For me it at absolutely worth it.

    5. Generic Name*

      I grew up in a family with lots of Odd people. My parents hung around academics and intellectuals, and dinner parties always involved animated conversations about history, literature, the arts. We played Trivial Pursuit often, and the family joke was it’s not a party until someone breaks out the Oxford English Dictionary to settle an argument. So, within my family, I always felt accepted and normal. I sometimes struggled to make friends in school, though. My son was recently diagnosed as on the spectrum, so I’ve been wondering maybe if I am too. At this point, I’m not planning on pursuing a diagnosis. I’ve done well in my career, and I know enough about myself to build in breaks or check out a new place online so I can plan. I have enough freedom at my job and can work from home as needed, so I can’t think of any accommodations I would need official documentation for.

      1. AGD*

        Very similar story here, though with some divergence in adulthood. I was an intellectually inclined kid in a family where that was encouraged and normal. I have almost no friends from childhood, mainly because I was a total nerd in a small place where I generally couldn’t relate well to other kids. My adolescence was a bit rough, in part because I felt so alienated from peers. But I thrived in college – had a wonderful time and made lots of friends with ease. In adulthood I’ve had a few friends ask whether I might be autistic, and I think if I had recently been a teenager, I would have dealt with major temptation to pursue a diagnosis. But from the standpoint of adulthood, many of the experiences that my autistic friends report aren’t familiar to me from my own life and/or my own brain, and they see in me a mysterious set of Conventional Social Skills that come to me intuitively that I would not have known were there. I suspect this is what neurotypical privilege looks like. I mean, I’m definitely a fervent introvert and an adult woman with a large number of intellectual/creative interests and a few quirks including some gender nonconformity, but I can see many things about life in a world geared towards NT folks that I rarely/never struggle with that my autistic friends often do. This makes me hold back from trying to adopt that label myself. The sullen teenager inside me wants it, but the adult who does fine in the mainstream adult world is more interested in looking for ways of staying informed about neurodiversity and (I hope) of being a decent ally.

      2. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        …[I]t’s not a party until someone breaks out the Oxford English Dictionary to settle an argument.

        It’s not my intent to derail the conversation here, but this reminded me of the time I stormed out of a dorm party, fairly drunk, and marched over to the university library to photocopy a page out of the OED to prove that inflammable did not mean “not flammable” and that, contrary to the opinion of my equally inebriated opponent, I was therefore not stupid.

        1. Bluey Christine Heeler*

          Any time I see the word inflammable, I always think of Dr. Nick from Simpsons.

          “Inflammable means flammable? What a country!”

    6. carcinization*

      Determining whether young people demonstrate characteristics of Autism is a part of my job (though my job has many other facets). After doing this for around 15 years, I eventually realized that it’s probably a condition that I demonstrate as well. The few colleagues (other people who work with young people with disabilities) I’ve discussed this with agree. As others have noted, I think I’ve developed some good strategies and coping mechanisms throughout my life so don’t see particular utility in an official label. But I think if I needed support/guidance/assistance that I wasn’t currently getting I might think differently about formal diagnosis.

    7. NancyDrew*

      I highly highly recommend the podcast The Loudest Girl in the Room. It’s about a 40-something woman who, during the pandemic, had to decide just that. It’s a truly wonderful, intimate, sometimes funny, sometimes heartbreaking, podcast.

    8. Quandong*

      I’m going to pursue a diagnosis this year if I can afford the expense, as part of planning ahead for serious illness or disability requiring care at home or in a residential facility. I have managed to get accommodations at work without formal diagnosis and my personal life won’t be affected by one.

      But I know it would be so much easier for me and any carers and healthcare providers in future if I have a diagnosis and clear indications of what works best for me especially when under great strain. There’s nobody in my family who can be a carer for me so it all needs to be ready for my people who have enduring power of attorney (of course I hope it’s not needed).

  41. Solokid*

    Anyone else NOT do NY resolutions? My friends jokingly call me the NY grinch because I plain old never care to use the year end as a thought exercise. (Also I think one friend got mad that I asked what her 2022 resolutions were, trying to shift the subject, and she couldnt remember).

    It’s another day of the year to me though I do look forward to hanging a new wall calendar and that’s about it.

    1. djc*

      I don’t do resolutions or even any type of word of the year. I do better with making small changes to my daily habits. I use a habit tracker to see what progress I’ve made.

    2. time for cocoa*

      I do them on my birthday instead. Year-end is hectic and doesn’t allow for the necessary focus, whereas celebrating my age feels like a more appropriate time to invest in personal goals.

    3. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Me! I think resolutions are just a way to set yourself up for feelings of guilt and failure if you don’t stick to them. Why would anyone put themselves through that?

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I find NYE and July 4th to be the most non-holidays of the year. Nothing appeals to me about it.

    5. RussianInTexas*

      I never have and don’t do resolutions.
      In general and for the NYE in particular. They don’t motivate me, I just don’t have a habit of seeing goals for myself.

    6. Liminality*

      No resolutions anymore for me! Oh sure, I can set goals and make plans any time, but I have accepted that there is nothing magical about a specific date on a calendar that will propel me to success. I was shocked that after shaking the dust of 2020 from my feet and turning my eyes filled with shining hope on the new year I was clobbered with multiple blows far worse than mere Early Pandemica. Life will continue to be life, and I will continue to take things one step at a time.

    7. Generic Name*

      I don’t do them either. That’s not to say I don’t ever learn new things or try to form healthy habits. I do. I just don’t time them to New Year’s Day.

    8. CTT*

      I don’t make resolutions, but I do see January 1 as like a good reset of my to-do list. Like, I’ve been grumbling for months about how much I dislike my vacuum cleaner, and I was setting up my new planner and realized “I should identify a weekend where I will research and buy a new vacuum!”

    9. carcinization*

      I don’t do “serious” ones, if I do them at all. The last resolution I can remember was to cook more fish at home, which I think I ended up doing, but that was a few years ago.

    10. Liminality*

      I just saw this online and laughed.

      No new year’s resolutions. It’s the circumstances turn to improve.

    11. Broken Buckle*

      I don’t do any New Years resolutions. Starting a new year just doesn’t feel special/motivating to me. Any time of year is a good time to set new goals or start new habits.

    12. sswj*

      Many years ago now I made one NYE Resolution:

      -No more resolutions-

      Best resolution ever and the ONLY one I’ve ever kept!

      1. allathian*

        Yup, me too! I used to make NY resolutions when I was younger, but I quit doing that at some point in my early 30s. I felt guilty about not following through on whatever resolution I’d made, but avoiding that guilt didn’t motivate me enough to work harder on keeping my resolution, so I just stopped making them, and it was so freeing!

        In general, I’m not particularly goal-oriented. I think it’s enough to have professional goals, which are pretty much unavoidable in any office job these days. I neither want nor need any goals in my private life at the moment. If and when I do, I can set whatever goals I want at any point in time.

    13. ecnaseener*

      Yep, I’ve never been into resolutions. I’m not much of a goal-setter anyway, and a new calendar doesn’t give me any special motivation. I get how for some people it’s a good ritual to take stock and set new goals, but it just doesn’t click for me.

    14. Hotdog not dog*

      My elderly uncle makes ridiculous, yet impossible to break resolutions. This year, as an 85 year old with two hip replacements, he has resolved to not win the Boston Marathon. (And to clarify, even in his prime he has never shown any athletic prowess. Even at 25 he could have easily kept this resolution!)

    15. Pennyworth*

      I haven’t even though about having any NY resolutions for decades. I have a mindset that persuades me that setting a resolution is akin to ensuring I won’t make it happen, so I just muddle through each year.

  42. StellaBella*

    Little Joys Thread for 2022.
    What was your best little joy in 2022?
    Mine was my health overall was good (minor shingles bout, broken wrist, and a severe cold that was not covid), still not getting covid, and having access to good health care (pricey but good) and getting a 3rd booster recently.
    My anticipated joy for 2023 is more swimming time in the pool.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I like your phrase, anticipated joy. I might steal that and use that in conjunction with my word of the year.

    2. Anonymous Adopter*

      Ooo nice. I’m looking forward to more time in the pool too once this chest infection goes.

      Sorting out my finances and getting the house ready for a potential adoption are both on the radar. I may have to delay the adoption while I get the finances in order, but hopefully not by too much.
      Best part of 2022 was starting the adoption process, being more open with my family (who are bonkers) and receiving support from friends, who have been unexpected and wonderful. The thing about never relying on your family growing up is that other people wanting to support me now is always a (nice) surprise. It takes some getting used to.

    3. sewsandreads*

      My best little joy was FINALLY growing my own sunflowers — I don’t think I’ve ever screamed so excitedly when the first one bloomed!

      Anticipated joy(s) for 2023: spending more time with family and in my crafting space.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I got a house and a job!

      My husband and I looked at over 40 houses for over a year before finally having an offer accepted and I’m so happy with where we ended up. It was so fun getting to host our families for the holidays too.

      I was a SAHM for longer than I’d planned (thanks Covid) and really anxious about returning to work, but I got a job fairly quickly once I actually submitted applications, and it’s been going pretty well so far. Bonus, it coincidentally ended up being an excellent commute from the new house :)

      My anticipated joy is trying to find more time for my hobbies now that I’ve had some time to settle into new work routines.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My best little joy of 2022 is now 10 months old and almost 100 pounds and likes to play tug with her big sister. She is Miss Abigail Rose Sleepyface Goofin Gorilla-Paws Sinatra, Wuffleberry Princess, Druid and Boss of the Boo Rhimoceros Gang, a lovely grey Dane pup, and she is hogging half the couch and wearing a teal pirate-print scarf.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          She is very well behaved, except when her big sister loses the plot – big sister is dog-reactive, which makes going on walks complicated – and then she is a trial to wrangle, because if big sister stays close, Abigail tries to wrestle with her on the sidewalk and we all get tangled, and if my husband moves one of them away, Abigail gets panicked that she’s being left behind and desperately tries to reunite the party, even at the risk of my shoulder joint. I probably need to stop walking them together, unfortunately.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My older dog is a blonde 8 year old named Alannah, and my husband has a friend with a blonde 8 year old human child named Alanna. There have been confusions. (They’re expecting again. I have requested, mostly joking, that they not put Abigail on their name list for this one :) )

    7. delaware*

      Man. I had a wild year, and honestly the best part was extricating myself from a toxic best friendship/roommate situationship and moving on with my life. I learned to roast broccoli, joined a DND group with friends, and got a GREAT new job as a writing tutor, which I did not anticipate loving as much as I do– isn’t it just so nice to have a job you’re really good at? Lol. Best part is that through weekly game nights and my students, I had a lot of easy socializing sort of scheduled-in, and turns out I thrive on that. For the first time in a while, I’m really looking forward to the next year and what it might bring.

    8. Girasol*

      I’m working on a short story collection. Perhaps the best small joy this year is how several times when I started writing from an outline and then the story turned and wandered off and ended up surprising me. Stories seem to have a life of their own.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      Best Good Dog has successfully made another trip around the sun, and despite a cancer diagnosis almost 2 years ago, continues to enjoy life. Walks are shorter and naps are longer, but it’s more than a fair trade off. We are planning a 14th birthday party for his Gotcha Day in January. (And yes, his dog buddies will be here! 2 labs, a golden, a bearded collie, and 2 mutts- along with their humans.)

    10. Voluptuousfire*

      The best little joys were being able to travel again and visited 3 cities I never went to before, which was cool. I got to see the Pacific Ocean, which was a treat.

      I also got to see my best friend for the first time since the summer of 2021. I met her in the little beach town we usually meet in in the summer and it was fun seeing it off season. Also parking was free and the drive down was leas than 3 hours instead of 3.5.

    11. Laura H.*

      Hm a Little Joy for all of 2022, is that I got to share in your joys!

      An anticipated joy is getting a bit more of myself together. (Adulting)

    13. allathian*

      My biggest joy was definitely getting back to a more or less normal life post-Covid, but with the added benefit of being able to still WFH most of the time. I had Covid, but I got lucky and I’ve been a lot sicker with a simple cold, the flu (in spite of being vaccinated), and strep throat. The month of exhaustion afterwards was no fun, but it could’ve been a lot worse.

  43. Charities*

    I am finishing up my donations for the year, and was wondering…What are your favorite charities to donate? It occurs to me that I know the big name ones that everyone knows, but it’s likely there are many smaller ones that will never cross my eyes … unless you tell me about them. One of my favorites is the Sylvia Rivera Law Project, that represents trans, intersex and gender non-conforming people navigate the law, from name changes to harassment, discrimination and violence, regardless of ability to pay; they also try to get legislation changed. Some of this is centered around NYC/NYS, some of it is not. They are at srlp dot org if you want to check them out.

    1. TX_Trucker*

      I like to support local charities. This year I’m donating to one that cleans, fixes, and distributes durable medical goods like crutches and wheelchairs.

    2. Sabine the Very Mean*

      One day I hope to have the ability to donate. The only thing I can contribute to causes is to keep myself informed. Time and money aren’t easy for me to sacrifice at this point in my life.

    3. Rick T*

      I support a classical music station that streams their broadcast (KUSC) and did support a local symphony orchestra. We have moved out of state but I still support KUSC since I can still listen to them.

      I’m sure there are local groups you can support that can make good use of your donation. The big names get all the credit. The small operations I think do more with your money.

      I refused to support United Way as an umbrella fundraiser when I worked in Corporate America, I’ve always donated directly to the charities I support.

    4. A313*

      I don’t know where all it’s available, but I like Donors Choose. Teachers submit a request for specific supplies to meet a need, the charity verifies the teacher and the project and the cost, and you can donate to help reach the project’s cost. The schools I choose are local, and they serve schools in low-income neighborhoods. If, for some reason, the project isn’t fully funded within its set time limit, you are offered the funds back or the opportunity to fund another classroom’s project, I believe.

      I love the updates the teachers send about how their students are employing/enjoying their supplies!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        My friend working as a high school teacher at an underfunded school greatly benefited from support from Donors Choose.

      2. Mztery1*

        Another vote for donors choose. I support and sixth grade class in the Bronx and I get lovely notes from the teacher, and usually a chapbook of the written poetry in stories every year

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We give a token amount to our college and a sizable donation to our synagogue annually. I generally don’t donate to national charities unless they are working specifically in our community. When we had the chance to increase our philanthropy a few years ago we chose to give a multi-year donation to the camp our daughter attended to support the creation of an anti-racism curriculum and a training process for staff to continue that work. We wanted to make a real, noticeable difference so we chose a small organization that shared our values.

    6. time for cocoa*

      I support three non-local animal shelters, because I got cats from them through a volunteer daisy-chain driver organization. I seek out animals with specific needs that I have a lot of experience with, so I often end up adopting long-distance.

    7. Happy New Year!*

      It varies a bit by year. This year it has been church (and through church – the food pantry, a local homeless shelter, a mission in India run by a native Indian which creates jobs and provides housing for widows and orphans), a neighborhood outreach in the area of the lowest-funded school in the state (teachers provide input as to what they need), and a big drop of mittens and underwear to a different homeless shelter. They are always VERY EXCITED to ge the underwear! Next year I want to check out the veteran’s housing at Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.

    8. Happy New Year!*

      It varies a bit by year. This year it has been church (and through church – the food pantry, a local homeless shelter, a mission in India run by a native Indian which creates jobs and provides housing for widows and orphans), a neighborhood outreach in the area of the lowest-funded school in the state (teachers provide input as to what they need), and a big drop of mittens and underwear to a different homeless shelter. They are always VERY EXCITED to get the underwear! Next year I want to check out the veteran’s housing at Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.

    9. Llellayena*

      My usual donations are Norsled (sled dog rescue in California), Jazz Arts Project (teaching jazz music to teens), and Delaware Currents (online news on events and environment concerns along the Delaware River. I have family involved in all three…

    10. Bibliovore*

      what I donate to:
      The University Library where I work.
      Second Harvest- because I hate being hungry and experienced it during my childhood.
      our local 826 – this is an organization that supports writing by children and young adults.
      Rain Taxi- a literary journal
      Public radio
      various small non profit presses.

    11. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I give donations regularly to a local homeless shelter, my alma mater (scholarship fund), my church and a philanthropy group associated with my church. I will also support other local charities on occasion like when the humane center was asking for funds after a bad hoarding situation. The only national one I do is for a cancer organization that is important to a family member.

    13. Data/Lore*

      One of my favorites is chiariproject.org- my husband has a chiari malformation, and this org focuses on awareness and research for a condition that doesn’t get a lot of attention.

    16. WoodswomanWrites*

      My donations are a mix of national organizations and local ones, primarily focused on civil rights and the environment. I also donate to the local food bank and public radio/television.

    17. PX*

      Mine is usually anything refugee related. UNHCR, Choose Love and a local one that helps resettle refugees in my city.

      I also do Medical Aid for Palestine and probably need to start Doctors without Borders again.

    19. thebeanmoveson*

      I also donate to local ones, I donated to dr. without borders a few years ago and I never will again. i swear they sold my name to every charity in existience and constantly send me crap.

    21. EdgarAllanCat*

      My favorite is World Central Kitchen run by Jose Andres, the chef. He and his team travel around the world and make meals for people – using local food, recipes, chefs, etc. In response to natural disasters, war zones, etc.

    22. mreasy*

      I give to SRLP monthly! I do some of the biggies like ACLU, Planned Parenthood, Trevor Project, etc, but also local orgs supporting specific communities, like Welcome to Chinatown, a bunch of abortion funds in states who have outlawed it since Roe, New Yorkers Against Gun Violence, bail funds, etc. I usually find them with fancy googles. One I really like is Adopt A Native Elder, who are pretty low key but doing great direct support work for older Native folks who need resources.

      1. mreasy*

        Oh and in NYC a lot of neighborhoods have mutual aid orgs; I donate to ours and our local cat rescue as well.

    24. Wink the Book*

      Any library. They use those dollars until they SQUEAK.

      Navajo Water Project and Standing Rock reservation.

      Local regional food bank.

      Local animal shelter.

      ACLU.

      Occasional Go Fund Me’s when I have some extra at the end of the month.

  44. delaware*

    I’m going on a plane for the first time in years in *checks calender* 48 hours!! It’ll be a 10-12 hour overnight flight, so I’m bringing melatonin, earplugs, and Glass Onion downloaded on Netflix.

    Any flying/ airports/ JFK advice? It’d be much appreciated! :)

    1. Victoria, Please*

      Embrace the suck, as we say in crossfit. Air travel is not comfortable, but it’s way more bearable if you are able to shrug and say, “Yep.”

    2. Still*

      No advice but Glass Onion is great. A word of warning though: it’s laugh-out-loud-funny so you might get some weird looks on the plane!

    3. Rick T*

      Airline travel has degraded to being a flying bus service, so yes, embrace the suck.

      Also remember the TSA, gate staff, and cabin crew’s instructions are commands, not suggestions. At the limit, they can have you dragged off the plane in handcuffs and banned from flying again, so nod, smile, and follow their directions no matter how illogical they may seem.

      1. Observer*

        Also, remember that they are doing a hard job and people are often unpleasant or unreasonable. Things tend to go better when everyone keeps that in mind.

    4. WellRed*

      I don’t see where you mention snacks despite the lengthy flight. Bring snacks and bring reading materials because you you can’t count on any sort of connection in the air.

      1. Hatchet*

        I’ll second the snacks and add water/drink of choice to the list. After you get through security, buy a bottle (or two) of water or fill up your reusable one. Also, bring hand sanitizer and/or wipes because it’s germy season.

          1. SofiaDeo*

            You really don’t want to drink recycled, stored airline water if you can help it. Not even coffee. They don’t clean them out as often as they should.

    5. Jet Lagged Jules*

      Just flew into JFK this morning and past the security checkpoint (baggage, the airtrain, and rental car center) there was not a single bench or chair. Not sure if it’s also like that at departures, but pack so that any fiddling/adjusting/reorganizing can wait until you get to your gate.

    6. E*

      If I’m not too late — bring reading material too for waiting at your gate (save the show for the plane itself) — wait times are long these days. jfk security lines are long but move fairly quickly. Terminal 5 food options are decent but better to bring your own snacks bc the prices are high (and I think other terminals have worse food options). When I flew last week they didn’t make me remove my shoes or laptop from bag but try to find out while you’re in the security line and close to the end what they need you to remove so you can move quickly once you get there – the security agents and everyone else behind you is usually impatient but just do the best you can and don’t let them stress you. Stay hydrated when you fly, you may want to bring a small bottle of lotion too if your skin gets dry. and try to move around a bit (stand up and stretch periodically) on the long flight to avoid leg swelling and potentially dangerous blood clots.

    7. irene adler*

      If possible, during the flight get up and walk around every couple hours or so. IF you are prone to water retention, might take steps to keep that to a minimum (compression socks for example).

    8. Healthcare Worker*

      I carry either a thin blanket or wear a scarf I can cover up with. Makes it much easier to sleep. Also have any meds you may need in your carry on, including Tylenol or similar, something for motion sickness or other maladies.

  45. Flowers*

    Does every parent feel like they struggle more than other parents do?
    and that it shouldn’t be so hard? 
    and regret over doing/not doing certain things when kids were younger? 

    Intellectually, I always knew parenting was going to be difficult and that’ it was work. Mentally I knew that social media isn’t “real” and to not worry about what strangers thought. I thought I was mentally prepared to be a mother but these last few weeks – the entire year actually – has kicked my ass so much. There’s a lot of things I plan to discuss with therapy once its up and running.

    with that said…can we talk about the good stuff? Any good surprises or good feelings? I beam with pride anytime my daughter learns anything new or understands and follows out a command. I love our cuddles. Finally, to add a little levity, there’s a meme of a toddler getting a haircut that shes’ not thrilled about and the caption says “I’ll get you back one day mommy.” Why yes, I did give tater tot a haircut a few weeks ago and it can’t be a coincidence. 

    1. Generic Name*

      Aw, hugs if you’re into them! The toddler years are so hard!! I assume you were a child in the 80s or 90s, and I can guarantee that your mother wasn’t putting you on a blanket with numbers printed on it for each time you turned another month older and taking a photo to share with friends and family. Or insert whatever thing you feel guilty you aren’t doing. One thing I’ve noticed is that parents today are expected to center their lives around their children and focus their efforts on “creating memories”. Our parents were just trying to get through the day, one day at a time, just like you are. And their memories of the difficult times have faded. How many old ladies have told you to cherish this time? I mean, yes, there’s noting better than toddler kisses, but tantrums and realizing that you have no diapers/wipes when your 2 year old just shat up their back and you’re in the middle of the grocery store also really sucks.

      I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t really remember much of my son’s toddler/preschool years with great fondness. There was a lot of undiagnosed stuff going on with him, and a lot of stuff going on with his dad that made life more stressful than needed, but we both survived, and he is now 16 and is an absolute joy and a delight. I don’t mean to sound like a downer. The toddler years are hard, and it’s okay to not enjoy it all that much. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on today’s moms to love every second, and that’s just not realistic.

      1. Double A*

        I’m a pretty “roll off my back” kinda person, but nothing gives me more rage than someone telling me to “enjoy every minute” with my kids. (They’re 4 and 1). There are many enjoyable moments but it is nowhere close to all of them!

      2. Flowers*

        Yup, born in 1985. There’s 3 pictures of me at 1 month old, and that’s the earliest photos; in comparison, I had 1000 photos my daughter’s first 2 months. My parents were immigrants and I was born here in the US, so none of that stuff that you mentioned haha. and I totally relate to your second paragraph – I’m in that phase right now. My kid’s 2, diagnosed with autism, she’s been in therapy since April, I work FT; her dad’s very involved and not at all absent but it’s still stressful with him. There are lots of times she doesn’t eat or sleep well and it stresses me out to no end.  

        1. Generic Name*

          Ohhh, gosh, kids on the spectrum are just “more” than typical kids. My son is on the spectrum, and he was a very high needs baby and toddler. He wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but my instincts told me I needed to, I don’t know, help him process the world. He slept in my arms or next to me for the first 6 months of his life. I basically never put him down. It was so, so hard. But now at 16, he is off all his meds and has graduated from his therapies, and he’s doing amazing. I gave so much of myself to him, but it’s what he needed and it was worth it. And yeah, it really really sucked. The other day I asked his opinion on how some shoes went with an outfit, and he gave me his honest opinion (not those shoes, but maybe these ones), and when I said thanks for not letting me leave the house looking silly, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I got you, mom”. It gets better.

    2. Former Retail Manager*

      We are in very different phases of parenting, so I’ll give you my perspective. My daughter is 22. I am 41. You can do that math. As for regrets, you will always have them. Every parent has them. I regret not spending enough time with her when she was young because I was working full time, in school part-time/full-time depending on the semester, and studying. When I wasn’t doing that, I was sleeping. She and I have very few childhood memories that involve just the two of us. I simply didn’t have time. In the grand scheme, I don’t regret my action because they were for the best in the long run, for both of our futures.

      My best advice will sound very cliche:
      – Keep the lines of communication open. If you cannot attend an event, tell them why. Or make it clear why they’re being disciplined for certain behavior or why you can’t read to them an extra 30 mins tonight. Mom needs time to herself too. Your sole job is not to be their everything. That isn’t sustainable. You both need time alone to relax and decompress, and young children need to learn to entertain themselves (ideally without electronic devices….read, draw, have a tea party with your teddy bears, whatever.
      – Stop with the social media….like totally stop. My daughter was born in 2000. Social media wasn’t a thing. I simply cannot with these “perfect” mothers and “perfect” families and people telling me how to make homemade baby food and packing their kids bento boxes. Get outta here with that nonsense. Sell that fake a$$ narrative to someone else. That crap isn’t real and it isn’t a standard you should hold yourself to.
      – Whatever “mistakes” you perceive yourself to be making, your kids probably don’t even notice. You fed them frozen chicken nuggets and fries instead of grilled chicken and roasted vegetables! Who cares? They’re fed, healthy and carrying on. Let the small crap go. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme.
      – Children are evil (well most of them at least some of the time). :) Remember that you are in charge. And behave as such. I have had friends who have been so overwhelmed because they literally allow their children to run their homes and lives. Whatever their children wanted or wanted to do is what was done. No. That is not how this works. You make the rules and that’s that. Children need boundaries and consequences. They will at some point tell you they hate you. Cool. You still have to clean your room. They don’t mean what they say. They’re children who are having an emotional outburst because they didn’t get their way. Don’t take it personal. Be consistent but loving and move on.
      – This might be unpopular, but I’d add, prioritize yourself and your own relationship with your partner, if there is one. Like the airplane analogy….you cannot help them with their oxygen mask if you don’t have oxygen yourself. That looks different to different people, but in my case, my relationship with my spouse comes before my child. If we had a “date night” scheduled and something comes up last minute that she wanted to do, I would try to find a solution, but if I had to choose, I am choosing my date night. We also refused to put her into any sport because of the time commitment that we knew would be required of us. Neither of us wanted to spend our day off shuttling her around town to games and sitting in the hot sun for half of the year, not to mention the financial commitment.

      Parenting is hard. If you have a child that doesn’t have a physical or mental disability or isn’t a felon in training, consider yourself grateful/lucky, deal with the crap that’s thrown at you as best you can, love them, and carry on.

      As for small joys, I enjoy my daughter much more as she has gotten older and become an adult. I am definitely proud of her when she takes initiative and learns things on her own and impresses me with her “adult knowledge” even it’s not entirely 100% correct. She is trying and seeking to improve herself, which makes me proud. She also has a good sense of humor, is not easily offended, and doesn’t take herself too seriously which makes me super happy. I have to credit that to both myself and my husband though.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Cosign all of this from a somewhat different perspective. My kid is also 22 and I am 62. I HATED it when people told me to “enjoy” the toddler years. I did not enjoy those years. I loved my daughter, and I was not well suited to be the mother of a toddler. I was much much better suited to be the mother of a teenager and that was a lot more fun. And mine was a toddler in 2002-2004, not in the middle of a frickin’ pandemic. She was in daycare 40 hours a week and I worked 30 hours a week (well, that’s not entirely true – I’m a doc and was working in primary care so I was scheduled for 30 hours and worked 40) and honestly if I’d had to cope with the chaos and lack of childcare of the past two years I would have lost my mind, and I mean that literally. So if you’re surviving and have a few moments of joy here and there, I think you’re doing amazingly well.

        I thought I was prepared to cope with peer pressure and what strangers thought of my parenting. I was not. That got harder for me as she got older and our choices were less and less mainstream (at least for our particular socioeconomic and educational demographic). We never limited her screen time, we didn’t monitor her social media use, we didn’t track her location even when she started to drive, we let her sleep over with her boyfriend in sophomore year of high school, she made her own choices about HS course selection and wasn’t particularly interested in academics. I stand by all of those decisions – and it was hard to hold my ground against the clear disapproval of our friends. I’m glad we invested the time and energy to get clear about what our values were and that we stuck to it. Payoff: when your young adult says “I want to be exactly the kind of parent you were.”

      2. Flowers*

        My daughter’s 2. I just started working FT this year, and honestly, I missed it so much. I don’t know if I’ll regret that down the road. 

        I wrote in another comment that she was diagnosed as being autistic a few months ago. Right now she throws a lot of tantrums when we don’t’ give her something she wants and honestly I don’t know if her tantrums are related to her diagnosis or just being a 2 year old.

        1. I heart Paul Buchman*

          My little guy was diagnosed at 3. I’ve given up trying to unpick what causes different aspects of his behaviour. The reality is that he *is* autistic. It is an essential building block of his self. No way to ever know what aspects would be different without the autism because without it he would be a different person.

          I can tell you that the year of diagnosis broke me. It was exhausting and overwhelming and hard. Much, much harder than any other year with any of my children (I have 4). It topped the teen years by a million. In my parenting journey, where you are right now was very hard, three was easier (special school and therapy proper), four easier again (more verbal, toileting). Five was a fricken doddle. Now, he’s happy and I’m happy. By this age I can really count all the positives of ASD and see how he’s going to navigate and succeed in the world.

          Regrets, of course I’ve got them! I’d change heaps of things. But, if I had a time machine I’d use it to go back to his birth and whisper to myself ‘its going to be ok’. I think it would have helped to know it was going to get better.

          This is really long. If you are still reading my advice is to treat the hard times as temporary and do what you have to do to get through. Eat easy, clean only what needs it, use community services. It feels like you need to get it together because ASD is permanent but I promise it isn’t always like this. Prioritise attachment and connection and let everything else go.

          1. Flowers*

            I can tell you that the year of diagnosis broke me. It was exhausting and overwhelming and hard. Much, much harder than any other year with any of my children (I have 4).
            Thank you for sharing this.
            I’ve been searching for resources to share my feelings and unfortunately haven’t found any – I’m scared to share those feelings anywhere.

            1. Generic Name*

              See if there is a chapter of the Autism Society in your area. The one in my area has a support group for parents.

          2. Flowers*

            My little guy was diagnosed at 3. I’ve given up trying to unpick what causes different aspects of his behaviour. The reality is that he *is* autistic. It is an essential building block of his self. No way to ever know what aspects would be different without the autism because without it he would be a different person.

            I’m re-reading and I’m really glad you said this, so thank you. For the longest time I’ve been stuck in the “is this an autism thing or NT thing?” The reason I wonder this is so I could read or get advice. With autism, at least right now, it’s “talk to your child’s therapist” and there’s no actionable advice I’m able to find because different things trigger kids. hope this makes sense. But this framing really helps me, so thank you.

        2. NancyDrew*

          I have two kids, and my youngest was diagnosed at 4. It was an absolute relief to get the diagnosis (it would have come sooner but for that pesky pandemic) because it opened up a world of therapies for him.

          I can say this with complete sincerity: 2 years into his diagnosis and he is a different kid. He is a DELIGHT. Hilarious, the best hugger, so smart, so talented. He still has his autism moments, of course. But I look back on the days when both of us would be sobbing from frustration (him: because he couldn’t articulate/communicate his overwhelming feels and sensory needs; me: because I felt like I was failing him every second of the day) and I cannot believe how far we’ve come.

          All this is to say, yes, parenting toddlers is HARD and parenting autistic children is HARD and combining the two can sometimes feel impossible. It will get better. <3

      3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Well said!
        Parenting is hard.
        I can’t imagine trying to parent young kids during a pandemic. You are so much more isolated than we were.
        It does get easier so hang in there

    3. Double A*

      One thing I’ve been struggling with is the lack of community support. Social media doesn’t affect me much, and yet the anti-child commentary that’s pretty common in comment sections gets to me. The idea that I’m irredeemably selfish for having kids and that I shouldn’t expect anything from society and if I wanted any sort of support I should’ve thought of that before I had them. It’s distressing and it gets under my skin. Like when schools shut down there were literally people being like, “School isn’t childcare, how could you ever have though it was.” Just the super individualistic stuff. It’s trash and I know it’s a minority opinion of selfish and mean people, but it still bothers me and is another “You’re doing it wrong” voice to try to ignore, and filtering useless opinions voices takes up bandwidth!

      I actually think and know we have it easier than a lot of people and it still kicks our ass.

      1. SSC*

        If you live in/near a town with a Fit4Mom franchise, look into it and go try a class. When my daughter was two months old, I had to quit my job and move three states away due to my husband’s job – and he wasn’t around much (job). I had researched the Fit4Mom classes prior to the move and got myself there on the third day. Those other moms became a solid community and amazing source of support.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Aargh. The idea that individuals are solely responsible for solving society’s problems makes me nutsy (and of course by “individuals” we usually mean “women”). Especially that one. Look, I was 39 when my kid was born. I spent years being the one expected to pick up the slack at work because I “didn’t have a family” and it sucked. But that attitude is not the solution. Those of us who have kids are investing in the future of our culture and that’s worth supporting.

      3. E*

        Uh so sorry you are getting exposed to this! My partner’s brother lives in Germany where he has small kids and seeing how that society — which is WAY more environmentally conscious than ours — provided for children has been eye-opening. One year of parental leave at nearly full salary, or two years at about half. Schools stayed open I think whole pandemic when restaurants /other businesses closed (basically opposite of here). Way more support for high needs kids. Financial support to parents. Way better public education and low-cost childcare. Etc etc. Healthy democracies and societies support children and parents in the same way they provide healthcare, better retirement, etc. I wish we had those supports here but just wanted to give you some outside perspective that societies /political I consider much more evolved than ours consider supporting children/ families something good and valuable for society as a whole.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      I’m not a parent, but from the point of view of a teacher, I will say that the things good parents worry about are rarely issues in the grand scheme of things. I would be very surprised if there were parents who didn’t struggle or who never felt they were letting their child down or that they regretted some parenting choice they made. After all, you are caring for another human being and helping them to develop. It’s only natural to second guess yourself.

      But when you work with kids and hear stories about kids who were abused or who have little or no home support at all or who are taught to distrust everybody and always assume the worst (I’m talking kids who will hit anybody who bumps into them accidentally because they’ve been taught “you can’t let them get away with it. You have to fight back or people will think they can take advantage of you”) or who are in and out of foster care or whose parents are too drunk to care for them…well, those are the sort of things that cause long term problems. Yelling at a kid once when you are stressed or not being able to afford that cool toy that all their friends have or that one time you sent the kid to daycare sick, because you thought they were just pretending to get to stay home…every parent is going to do something like that and it really isn’t likely to be a big problem.

      And yeah, if your child is autistic, they are going to have different needs from other kids, so that is a learning curve too. Some of the parenting advice that is geared towards parening NT kids isn’t going to work for a child with autism. Equally things that are no help with NT kids will work with kids with autism, but…it’s easy to focus on the things that aren’t working and think that when your child responds to something other kids wouldn’t, that he is just good and you are lucky to have such an obedient child and when your child does not respond to something other kids would, it must be you doing it wrong. When really, your kid just has a different neurotype and you have to figure what works for him.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      Yes, it’s hard! Mine is now 18, and there are some moments I’d give anything to have back, and others that you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to redo.
      My theory is that as long as it’s done with love and good intentions, it will be enough. Perfect doesn’t actually exist.

    6. Double A*

      To share some of the good stuff: they are so frigging cute, aren’t they? I mean, that’s what people are really talking about when they say “enjoy it” because it’s certainly not their thrilling conversational skills they’re referring to. So I do just try to enjoy every cute little facial expression and gesture and attempt to learn something as much as I can. I mean even when they’re screaming and covered in snot they’re cute.

      And reading your comments about the autism diagnosis, that is big! I haven’t worked with little kids on the spectrum, but have worked extensively with teens. First off, an early diagnosis is so good! Like, if you can do one thing to help, early intervention is it. So you’ve done the biggest thing you can do to help, and what going to be so hard about this year is that it’s a big learning curve for both of you.

      Second, for tantrums, there may literally be nothing you can do while it’s happening other than physically move your kid if needed (which can help). Probably most of the strategies you’ll learn will be preventative and postventative (I just made that word up). In the midst of it, doing nothing is often the most helpful; any input, even loving, can escalate it. It’s truly a fire that has to burn itself out. So while she’s storming, you can focus on physically relaxing. Slow your breathing. Speak very slowly. Slow blink like a happy cat. Basically, mirror back the opposite energy of the tantrum. Her tantrums probably are more intense or easily triggered than average.

      Then again, yesterday my son threw a tantrum because he didn’t want ONE banana that I had already started to peel, he wanted ALL the bananas so HE could choose one and try to peel it (he cannot and then needed my help). So all kids do indeed throw ridiculous tantrums.

      1. Flowers*

        To share some of the good stuff: they are so frigging cute, aren’t they? I mean, that’s what people are really talking about when they say “enjoy it” because it’s certainly not their thrilling conversational skills they’re referring to. So I do just try to enjoy every cute little facial expression and gesture and attempt to learn something as much as I can. I mean even when they’re screaming and covered in snot they’re cute.
        OMG YES cuteness! the fluffy body and face, chubby little hands. I do find so many of her gestures and facial expressions adorable. and honestly, sometimes I see how she does things the same way I do them, and I beam with pride lol.

        And reading your comments about the autism diagnosis, that is big! I haven’t worked with little kids on the spectrum, but have worked extensively with teens. First off, an early diagnosis is so good! Like, if you can do one thing to help, early intervention is it. So you’ve done the biggest thing you can do to help, and what going to be so hard about this year is that it’s a big learning curve for both of you.

        Yup she’s in early intervention. Diagnosed in September, IFSP meeting in October and first therapy appt (DI & OT) sometime before Thanksgiving. We have 3 different therapists and she’s in daycare; we had to drop one day to accommodate her 3rd therapy appointment because her previous therapist was giving us a very hard time. Then daycare had us move her from full time to part time because she was “too disruptive” during their naptime. Scheduling all of the therapy appts with different therapists + daycare (taking her out is not an option) + her nap schedule, is like a game of tetris. from April-August, we were doing outpatient speech therapy and those sessions weren’t productive at all. 

        Second, for tantrums, there may literally be nothing you can do while it’s happening other than physically move your kid if needed (which can help). Probably most of the strategies you’ll learn will be preventative and postventative (I just made that word up). In the midst of it, doing nothing is often the most helpful; any input, even loving, can escalate it. It’s truly a fire that has to burn itself out. So while she’s storming, you can focus on physically relaxing. Slow your breathing. Speak very slowly. Slow blink like a happy cat. Basically, mirror back the opposite energy of the tantrum. Her tantrums probably are more intense or easily triggered than average.
        Thanks, I’ll try this; I get stressed out too easily (ironically, not the crying/screaming but certain sounds she makes) and when Im woken from a deep sleep it’s really hard to be centered and calm. I’ve been taking notes as much as I could to talk to her therapists and find strategies. Her tantrums are related to wanting our phones and/or refusing to eat food/sleep. We’ve done feeding therapy and used ALL the strategies. We’re scared that the lack of nutrients and lack of proper sleep is hurting her development and it sucks to be told to “just” do something we’ve tried many times. 

        1. I heart Paul Buchman*

          Food, sleep and hygiene are some of the greatest autistic stressors from a parents point of view. These can take years to sort out in my experience. The battle certainly won’t be won at two. I think switching to the long game and using strategies that support your functioning in the short term is the only way to go. The problem is that in the toddler years these issues look like parental management problems, whereas by four or five it is clear you are in the disability space, which is a lot more forgiving in some ways.
          I found the Wilbarger protocol incredibly helpful for our relationship. (I don’t know if it has any scientific validity). Reframe tantrum to meltdown and that might give you better strategies. I found the only thing that helped meltdowns was time in a hammock swinging side to side (long ways ear to ear). Frankly, parents outside the disability space probably won’t get it. We have a cognitive framing that views our good fortune as the result of our own efforts. It’s incredibly common for parents of ‘good eaters’ or ‘good sleepers’ to think they have bought this about by their own ‘good parenting’. The reality is though that if these people had a child with autism they would be in the same position as you (evidence I was once a smug parent with three ‘good’ kids who thought they had it all worked out!). There was research in my country that showed the average drop in family means with an autistic child was AUD$30000. We have government subsidies for therapy so this was primarily reduced income. We aren’t just parents we are carers and that is a double job. The strain is very real and you need support for yourself at this time.
          I found the best supports through a church (I rang them and told them I was struggling and asked for help – I hadn’t previously had anything to do with them). I also found the home schooling group good. I don’t home school but they were used to kids that didn’t fit the mould and put me in touch with some other parents who wanted support also. I lost a lot of friends but have better relationships with those who stayed. Best wishes to you. The autism journey is long but has so many wonderful gifts.I came out better thank I went in, with a deeper, kinder heart. My son is wonderful, fascinating little person with some wonderful gifts (the most honest person I know). I genuinely wouldn’t change him now that I know who he is.

    7. Flowers*

      Thank you everyone for the kind and supportive comments. I’ve replied to several in detail but my comments aren’t showing up. Tbh I was scared to post this and wanted to keep it general and relatively light, but I appreciate all the comments. thank you all. <3

      1. Little beans*

        I think all parents feel this way. I have posted here before, because it was so hard to home during the pandemic with an infant and then a toddler, and feel like I couldn’t take him out anywhere so we were just in the house together, 24 hours a day. I felt like he was missing out on so many experiences, and I still do, because spouse and I both work full time and can’t take him on trips all the time. I can’t cook homemade lunches everyday or keep the house spotless, but I try to make sure he has my attention and has fun.

        Honestly, I love being his mom. I’m glad I have a job and he has a daycare he likes, but the few hours a day I get to spend with him are the best. Even if we’re just playing with toy cars or magnets or crayons and it’s nothing special, as long as he’s having fun.

    3. Lexi Vipond*

      Oops, I suppose this was an update without a question!

      I tried to add a question, but it wandered off and became a new post down below…

  47. PhyllisB*

    Can someone recommend a good eye makeup remover? I used Neutrogena eye makeup remover lotion, but they don’t make that anymore. I can get it on Amazon but they’re asking ridiculous prices for it.
    I would like another lotion remover if there’s one out there. I don’t mind if it’s moderately expensive, but I don’t want to spend a fortune, either.

      1. Flowers*

        Ponds cold cream, that’s interesting. I think my mom used that growing up. Wouldn’t it sting if used on the eyes?

      2. Lcsa99*

        Another one that uses ponds cold cream. I have sensitive skin and everything eventually makes me break out but ponds has been the best. Rub it on for about a minute, then take it off with a wet wash cloth.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      The best I’ve found if you’re looking for something with that texture is honestly old reliable Pond’s cold cream.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Ditto! Works wonderfully, is inexpensive, and there’s always more in the kitchen when time to refill the little jar in the bathroom. Plus, it is terrific for our skin.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I use Vaseline. Wipe it off with a damp rag. Reapply and wipe again if needed to remove all makeup, especially mascara. Follow up with your usual cleanser if you use one.

      1. WFH FTW*

        Agree with micellar water. I swear by “Simple” brand. I’ve gotten it in my eye before and with just a couple of blinks, any discomfort has passed. Not tearing up.

    7. Claire*

      The only eye makeup remover I will use is the Clinique Take the Day Off remover for lashes, lids and lips. It’s the only thing I’ve ever found that actually removes all my eye makeup quickly and easily, without stinging or irritation. It’s not a lotion, though, as I find lotions always bother my eyes.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Same here! I will use almost anything oily in a pinch, such as Vaseline or olive oil, but Take the Day Off is my favorite by far.

    8. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I use jojoba oil – it’s non comodegenic, you can even use it as a moisturizer (I do), and it is super gentle.

      1. Joanne’s Daughter*

        I was going to recommend Jojoba also. It will take off all makeup, including waterproof mascara and 24 hour lipstick. I also use it on my hair when it’s really dry, apply, comb thru, wait a few minutes and then shampoo. Being non-comodegenic I also used it in my esthetics practice for facial and scalp massages.

    9. time for cocoa*

      I double cleanse with facial oil (currently using Hada Labo, but I like to mix things up) and those products almost always work well to remove eye makeup, so I get double duty out of them. Actually, triple duty: I also use them to get overspilled hair dye off my skin.

    11. Chaordic One*

      A lot of Neutrogena products have disappeared from store shelves. I’m not sure if they’ve discontinued them or if there is some sort of distribution problem or what. There were several Neutrogena moisturizers that I like that I can’t find anymore. They show up as being “out-of-stock” on the Neutrogena website and the prices are quite a bit higher than what I was used to paying (double to 3 times as much).

  48. Radio stuff*

    I’ve got an older Toyota Camry, and I’ve been thinking about replacing the car stereo where I can play music from my phone on the stereo. I’d also like to be able to listen to the radio. Any suggestions on places in the US that you recommend to change the stereo and to buy the stereo at and/or things to be careful of?

    Thanks

    3. Liminality*

      Have you considered using a cassette adapter? Might be a little harder with an iphone, but I really enjoy using mine. I can use it with my phone or my ipad in my own 2001 camry!
      (I sent this comment with a link but I think it was caught in the filter. )

      1. Radio stuff*

        A cassette adapter sounds great, but I have a CD player on my stereo, not a tape player. I looked for CD adapter, but it looks like that might be more for computers.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Google Bluetooth adapter for car and you will find many that need neither CD nor cassette. All relatively cheap, and they work.

    4. Forgotten name*

      You can also just buy a Bluetooth transmitter/car adapter for $20 if you decided not to replace the whole stereo. It goes into a cigarette lighter and you connect your phone to it and music from your phone plays out on the existing stereo. That’s what I use for my old Camry!

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        Seconded…installing a car stereo is not overly difficult. My husband and my son have replaced several car stereos, they just ordered everything they needed from Crutchfield. Speaking only for myself, I had a crummy experience trying to get one installed at Best Buy. We bought the stereo there so I thought I would save the boys some trouble and have it installed there. I pulled up at the shop at the appointed time, and they looked blankly at the stereo and asked if I’d gotten a wiring harness. No…do I need to? I thought you guys would have the parts. Nope, you have to bring those. OK, can I purchase one from y’all? Nope, get it from Crutchfield. OK, fine, what else do I need? Not sure. After a bit of this round and round, I canceled the install and took the stereo inside, where I made a point of returning it where the manager could see me do it and explained exactly why.

    6. Max Kitty*

      Be aware that upgrading the radio might attract thieves. I replaced my old cassette player and promptly got my (quite old) car broken into. Using an adapter might be a better choice.

    7. That guy*

      Depending on the year it was made, installing an aftermarket unit isn’t terribly hard. Newer models have the radio integrated into other things and may need an interface module. My wife’s 02 Sunfire needed one for the door chime to work and her 02 Liberty had integrated steering wheel controls. If nothing else is integrated, it’s almost plug and play. An install kit for mounting into the OEM space, a wiring harness to go between the aftermarket wires and OEM plugs and possibly an antenna adapter. I’m sure Google and YouTube can show how to do it, and you know that it’s done well and correctly.

  49. Tango Maureen*

    Happy New Year from the US East Coast! I watched the Miley Cyrus party on TV and played Pokémon until midnight, and I think that kicked off 2023 pretty chill! What did everyone else here do?

    1. Josephine Beth*

      Happy New Year! Celebrated midnight on my Animal Crossing island, rewatched the Disney fireworks, and just enjoys being with my husband and kids. A good, happy start to the year!

      1. carcinization*

        My husband and I were going to go out, but then he had a sore throat all day so we decided not to. Ordered pizza and watched the move “Birdman” which we missed when it came out years ago. It wasn’t how I expected, but that was fine.

    2. anon24*

      Happy New Year! I’ve been picking away at deep cleaning throughout the week, and husband and I finished 2022 by deep cleaning the gaming room (by deep cleaning I mean moving furniture and vacuuming all the places the cat hair hides, as well as minor organization). It’s so nice to go into a new year with a very clean apartment. We didn’t do anything to celebrate, other than order a pizza, make a few drinks and play our favorite games at our respective computers, but to us that’s the best way to celebrate.

    3. Pamela Adams*

      Still an hour and a half here. It’s raining, so I hope it cuts down on the firecrackers.

      It will be dry on Monday in time for the Rose Parade.

    4. ecnaseener*

      I also had a very chill night visiting my parents – played a board game, flipped around the different NYE programming complaining about how boring Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen were, popped some (tragically flat) sparkling wine. Not the most fun NYE I’ve had, but there are worse things than chill!

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Before they fired Kathy Griffin, he was mostly there to be the straight-man to her zaniness in the broadcast. The dynamic doesn’t work as well with Andy Cohen.

      2. time for cocoa*

        I knew that would happen when they were told to lay off the booze. They’re both too uptight to joke around sober.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am an early-to-bed-early-to-rise type, but I tried. I gave up around 11:20pm and went and lay down and thought maybe I could still faff around on my phone til midnight but when I dropped my phone on my face three times in ten minutes I decided I was fine with pretending I’d celebrated in an earlier time zone and packed it in. :)

      Before that, husband and I finished the last couple episodes of the first season of Resident Alien (which is HILARIOUS and so good, I bought season 2 right away) and started Andor (which I thought started a little slow, but it’s building).

      1. allathian*

        Yup, I hear you on Andor. There’s a reason why they released the first 3 episodes at the same time.

        When you get to the season finale, make sure to watch the post-credits coda. There’s nothing crucial about the plot, but a little curious detail that helps make sense of the events.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      I went to bed at 10 PM because that’s how I roll no matter what the calendar says, but I woke up at 11 because my young adult kids and their friends were shooting off fireworks in the street (legal where I live, and grouchily tolerated on holidays). They got especially noisy at midnight, just in time for me to remember that I hadn’t seen who won the Peach Bowl, so I rang in the New Year by urgently scrolling through the news and watching the score update. (Go Dawgs!)

    7. Might Be Spam*

      I got too sleepy to stay up past 11pm. I tried, though. My usual bedtime is 1am. A lot happened this week, and it’s the anniversary of my dad’s death (several years ago, New Years Eve, 15 minutes before midnight), so I think everything combined just wiped me out.

  50. Lexi Vipond*

    Oops, I suppose this was an update without a question!

    I feel like we always hear on the news about some of the first people to reach the new year, but never the last ones. If I’m reading this right, Hawaii have quite recently joined us in 2023 – but after that the timezones get a bit muddled, and I’m struggling to figure out who might still be in 2022 for a bit longer.

    And then what do you do if you’re in a ship? Stick to the geographical time zone?

    Anyone out there ever been one of the first or last into the year? (Maybe before NZ or after Hawaii.)

    2. Max Kitty*

      We sailed from Japan to Alaska. Lost an hour every day and then, at the International date line, we had the same day twice. It was amusing scheduling things like special dinners because we had to refer to “first May 19” or “second May 19.” So I guess if you’re just on the early side of the line and cross over at the right time, you could be both the first and the last to celebrate the new year.

  51. Wannabe Avid Reader...Again*

    When I was a kid, I read a lot. I had bookshelves filled with Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, Nancy Drew, and whatever else was the popular books at the time. I read well above my grade level too as I got older. But then high school hit, and I lost my interest in reading because I didn’t like the books I had to read for school and I didn’t like the idea of being tested on stuff I read. I didn’t want to analyze a book and figure out the author’s meaning. I just wanted to enjoy the book’s plot without having to figure out all that stuff they try to teach you in English class. And on top of that, I started to fall asleep reading. I never did that before, and I started to shy away from books because I didn’t have time with all I had to do plus I didn’t want to fall asleep reading them.

    Now I’m in my upper 30s and I’m missing the idea of reading. But while I’m not longer in class having to analyze the author’s intentions, I’m still falling asleep over books. Or my mind wanders into thinking about other things I have going on that need to get done or whatever.

    So my question is – what can I do to get back to enjoying reading like I did when I was a kid? I would love just to sit on my porch in the summertime, for example, and read a book in the nice warm weather. Or curl up on my couch and read in the winter. Any suggestions?

    Just want to add – there are times when I find just the right book I cannot put down as an adult. But that is few and far between. I just cannot be one of those right now who jump from book to book to book.

    1. ecnaseener*

      I’m the same, used to devour books as a kid and now I hardly ever get that effortless reading energy back. For me, the best way is to read my old favorite young adult books (or even middle-grade – I devoured the entire Animorphs series this year, most of which I’d never read before). They’re obviously easier to read, so I easily get in the reading mood, and then I can usually stay in the mood long enough to enjoy a couple “grown-up” books.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        Exactly. I think they came out with Kindle versions of the Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley High, so might look into picking those up.

        1. Dicey Tillerman*

          Can confirm. Checking BSC books out on my library app and reading them on my kindle got me through a breakup and covid in rapid sucession in 2022.

    2. Yeah reading!*

      I’m a strong believer that to be a reader you just need to find the right books.
      Make a list of the books you have enjoyed in recent years and then go spend some time with your local librarian. They are great at making suggestions. (Also local bookstores)
      A couple entryways are finding favorite authors or genres. If your local library has e lender apps you can dabble really easily.
      Good luck and happy reading.

    3. Flower necklace*

      Have you tried audiobooks? I was also a voracious reader when I was younger. I loved reading when I was younger, but stopped enjoying it after I became an adult. Nowadays, I find audiobooks much easier to get into. I can listen while I’m cleaning, out on a walk, crocheting, exercising, etc. It’s not something I ever enjoyed as a kid, but it works for me as an adult.

    4. RagingADHD*

      See if your library does book recommendations, either as an organized program or just from an individual librarian.

      If you take the adult titles / authors that you really enjoyed, they can figure out the common thread and make good suggestions.

      I do all right finding individual books that I like. But I don’t seem to enjoy series the way I used to. I’ll get 1 or 2 books in, and it loses its appeal.

      I think maybe I don’t enjoy multibook plot/character arcs, which is the standard now for series. Between finding time to read, and waiting to get the next book, it can be months or years between volumes. And by then I can’t remember all the nuances of who did what to whom.

      I used to find more genre fiction that was episodic, and I prefer it.

      If you want to build a reading habit, you could start with re-reading something you really liked. Then you’ll get momentum instead of getting derailed by a book that isn’t worth finishing.

    5. Clarence Bogdonovitch*

      Honestly, reading is a skill, just like any other hobby. That isn’t to say you can’t enjoy it and have fun, but you need to practice. The recommendations above about: make a list of books you liked recently and spend time w a librarian and figure out more you might like.

      As to the falling asleep thing, start reading somewhere public where you CANNOT fall asleep (park, bus, restaurant). Do that a few times because you’re likely settling yourself comfy and because it keeps happening, it will keep happening. Joy’s of our bodies enjoying routine.

      As for your mind wandering? Probably means you are bored by the book. Or maybe do some outside mindfulness/decompression exercises? Because it seems like reading isn’t working AS one of those.

    6. Anonymous cat*

      Do you have a kindle? I ask because Amazon lets you download samples of ebooks. If there are books you are curious about but not sure they’ll hold your attention, you can try a sample and see it goes.

    7. Girasol*

      I find that the internet age has made me so accustomed to multitasking that reading – a single threaded activity – just doesn’t feel right anymore. But I really enjoy reading in bed. I like to crawl in early with a cup of tea and a book (most often a library book checked out from the Libby app, with the Twilight app on the phone set to cut out all the wakeful blue light for the night.) My mind can slow down to just one thing at a time in the evening and then books are as enjoyable as they always were.

    8. BSC Forever!*

      Coming on here late to say: read in the bathroom! You’re less likely to fall asleep, and you can read as long as you feel like sitting there (assuming no one else in your house needs the room at the time).

    9. Little beans*

      I feel the same! I LOVED reading as a kid, always had a book, would stay up all night. Also felt the same about forced reading in English class. Occasionally, I will reread a book I loved, or find just the right one to engage me and binge it in a day or two. But I wish I read more! I browse the ebook options at my library and read samples but I often get tired and give up before finding something…

      I saw a post from a friend online about how he tracked his reading patterns using a infographic style journal which looked pretty cool.

    10. Chilipepper Attitude*

      Ask at your local library. Tell them why you liked as a kid and they can suggest books that you might like now. Also, look for previous reading recommendations in the weekend threads, I’ve found some great ones that way. Sites like Goodreads also give good reviews. You might even learn which reviewer you like!

      Good luck on finding a process that works for you, you are gonna have some fun!!

  52. Might Be Spam*

    My elderly mother suddenly (New Years Eve) decided to send us large checks, to start spending down her savings as much as possible to avoid the five year look back period for Medicaid and Title 19 eligibility. She is will eventually qualify, even if she doesn’t give away any money.

    Most of my siblings are willing to return all of it if/when necessary. Only Sister3 keeps insisting that the government will never come after the money and won’t commit to returning it. She keeps avoiding saying no, and refusing to say yes. She just says “Got it” and changes the subject. She also keeps pleading poverty while taking yearly trips to Europe. We don’t trust her to keep the money available for our mom.

    If my mother does need the money later, the rest of us will have to make up the difference that Sister3 won’t return. It could end up being a lot of money for each of us.

    My family may be a toxic mess, but I do believe most of my siblings mean it when they promise to give the money back to mom when she needs it. Sister3 is the only one No One trusts to return the money.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation? Mom is going to send checks anyway. We don’t want to get stuck paying our own money to cover Sister3’s share when it has to be returned to cover the 5 year look back period. (The government won’t go after Sister3, it just refuses to let mom qualify for services for a prorated period of time.)

    1. Generic Name*

      I admit I don’t know the ins and outs of Medicare eligibility, but I don’t understand why the government would hold some siblings responsible for paying back money but not others. I think it boils down to you can’t control others (your mother, your sister, the federal government) and you can’t predict the future. Your mother may need services in 3 years and not 5, and you can’t control that. She may not need services for 10 years. She might die suddenly (hopefully not!). Or she may win the lottery. You can’t predict the future, and you can’t turn a selfish sibling into a kind and generous one. I’m sorry your mom is facing financial uncertainty.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        The government will hold my mother responsible, not anyone she gives money to. Her punishment will be denial of services, if nobody gives back the money.

        My sister will get off free and clear, while the rest of us have to make up the difference or let mom suffer. Sister3 is a hate-filled person and will absolutely let mom suffer the penalty.

        I’ve suggested that we set up a sibling trust run by a third party to hold the money until mom needs it or dies. We haven’t seen a lawyer yet, so I don’t know if it is an option. We would still have to figure out how to handle taxes.

        1. Generic Name*

          Well, how much money are you talking? If the amount of assets she has is enough to fund a trust, spending down her assets might not be feasible and she may be better served by purchasing long term care insurance or doing other types of financial planning. I think talking to a lawyer is a good next step. Maybe talking to a financial planner. You know what your sister is like and you can’t count on her, so take that into account as well.

      2. Just a Name*

        Highly recommend consulting an elder law attorney. I did when my dad first needed to move to assisted living. He did not qualify for Medicare at that point (too many assets). I had to cover the difference between his income and the cost, about 3k/mo. The elder law attorney initial consult was $250. A bargain for explaining to me exactly how I had to handle his assets (car, life insurance, annuity) in order to have him qualify (eventually). Also, find out if your mom has a general power of attorney, will, living will, durable health care poa. I needed all to take over dad’s finances, etc. The look back period may not disqualify her completely, but she can get a pro-rated – until she pays back the amount she gave away in the look back period. The attorney I consulted was in Ohio. You should find someone in your mom’s state.

    2. Mstr*

      So your mom is attempting to scam the government (us taxpayers) by hiding money to qualify for benefits earlier than she otherwise would and you’re worried your sister won’t pay her back the money she is supposed to be hiding?

      Sorry but the answer to this is that there’s no honor among thieves & you shouldn’t expect it.

      1. Mstr*

        Also, I see more details above — you’re mom can’t afford to do this if she can’t afford to repay the government the amount she’s responsible for (perhaps do the math & have her hold back that amount herself).

      2. SaltedChocolateChip*

        This seems like an uncharitable read. As someone who has seen a different part of the system make life difficult for someone (keeping folks with disabilities from saving money and then taking back all of their benefits for every month they were over the limit, rather than just the amount they were over the limit, is the rule but is pretty cruel if you ask me).

        We don’t know all the ins and outs of this family’s situation or their needs, especially where long-term care and health are involved. If OP’s parent feels this is the way they need to handle things, that is very different from the many loopholes people with far more resources exploit.

        1. Despachito*

          I am not sure if I understand the purpose of what Mom is doing, but if she is “hiding” the money to be able to pretend that she has none at a certain point to be able to qualify for a government benefit, it does sound a bit like a scam.

          But this apart, you say that Mom has not sent the checks yet. If she is aware that Sis3 won’t probably give the money back, why doesn’t she leave her completely out of this and divide the money among the remaining siblings ? And if she decides not to, why on Earth should you and the rest of the siblings be responsible to cover Sis’s part from your own pocket ?

          I’d see it completely your mom’s problem – she figured out a plan that is likely fishy, but it is possible she has her own reasons for it, and if you are have no problem with participating in it, you should just return your part and not worry about what the rest of the siblings would do.

        2. Sunday Justice*

          It’s not an uncharitable read, it’s exactly what Spam’s mother is trying to do. Medicaid pays for nursing home care if an individual is unable to pay, and in order to prevent people from giving away their assets to qualify for Medicaid sooner, the five-year look back is imposed. Spam’s family is trying to literally have their cake and eat it, too, at the cost of taxpayers.

          1. Might Be Spam*

            We siblings are not trying to scam anyone. Four out the five of us fully intend to return the money when she needs it. We can’t control what mom does. All we can do is give back the money when she needs it. We just don’t want to get stuck paying Sister3’s share out of our own personal finances. We are not trying to preserve any inheritance, except for Sister3.

            1. Despachito*

              If I read it correctly, the scammer here is your mom (who tries to find a loophole in Medicaid rules), and you siblings are – I am sorry – her accomplices who are helping her hide the money, and this will mean financial gain for you (if -hopefully – nothing happens to Mom in the five-year period, you will get to keep the money).

              It is true that you can’t control what your mom does, but you definitely can control what YOU do. You cannot make her not write the checks but you can refuse to cash it. You do not have to pay Sis3 share from your own finances.

              I’d be afraid here that I may get in trouble with law, not speaking of the family (you hinted that they are a toxic mess). I’d definitely consult a lawyer, but personally would prefer Mom to keep her money for herself.

      3. Lexi Vipond*

        If I’m reading it correctly, any money that you’ve given away in the last 5 years has to be repaid to you if you start needing care (there’s a similar rule in the UK, although I think it’s 7 years).

        That seems fair enough in itself – you don’t want to make a law that no one can ever give someone else money, and you also don’t want people giving away all their money just so they can become eligible for paid care the next day.

        So the mother in this case is saying ‘I want you to have this money, and I don’t think I’m going to need care in the next 5 years, so I’m able to give it to you – but if it turns out that I do, you’ll have to be able to give me back an equivalent amount of money, and you need to be aware of that when you take it.’

        I don’t think that’s illegal, and I don’t think it’s legally fraud – I suppose it’s a bit morally dubious depending on whether the main impulse is to give the money, or to keep it from the government, but if she’d given them the money 5 years ago, or she just went out and spent it all in the casino, there would be no problem – the money doesn’t somehow belong to the government right now.

    3. Fulana del Tal*

      What do you mean by to be repaid/returned? If your mother gets on Medicaid she’ll only be allowed a certain amount of assets before she has to spend down again. You guys need that consult with an elder lawyer ASAP.

      The lawyer can tell you proper ways to spend down that won’t require repayment.

      1. 653-CXK*

        This is exactly what happens in the PACE (Program for the All-Inclusive Services for the Elderly) program I work for…in order to remain eligible, you have to stay within certain income limits. If you are over those limits, you would have “spend down” the money in order to stay in the program, or be disqualified and be dropped from the program.

        In some cases, the government may see this sudden “give away large sums of money to their children/siblings/charity” as a red flag and may disqualify her from her Medicaid/Title XIX if they do the lookback. I second getting hold of a lawyer or someone familiar with elder matters as soon as possible.

    4. Washi*

      I’m super confused about this. If your mom gives all this money way and 5 years one day later applies for Medicaid, the government will never know why she has no money. If it’s within the 5 years and it’s a lot of money and obvious what she’s doing, then likely she’ll just be denied – what would there be to pay back? Unless your mom is planning to enter a nursing home, give away all her money, and then refuse to pay her nursing home bills?

      1. Might Be Spam*

        She is 91 years old and has health issues and may run out of money because of medical bills. There may or may not be 5 years left. We would rather have her keep the money, but she disagrees.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I think you need to count on sister3 flaking, save accordingly and be pleasantly surprised if she does save her share.

    6. time for cocoa*

      You need an estate attorney to set up an irrevocable trust, instead of playing these amateur money laundering games.

      1. Sunday Justice*

        Exactly. The current plan is risky and has very serious consequences. Anyone who thinks that the government is going to simply ignore the look-back period has never met one of their forensic accountants. Medicaid fraud is not looked upon favorably.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I don’t understand the intentions here. Is your mom intending to give away the money, and you & your siblings have decided amongst yourselves to put it aside for her care instead of using it for yourselves?

      Or is she intending to hide the money and have you hold it for her?

      Your sister may feel uncomfortable being put in the middle of a rather murky sounding scheme. I probably would make noncommittal remarks and treat it as a legitimate gift, too. That doesn’t mean I’d let my mom be denied care. I just wouldn’t want to participate in this scenario.

      1. Despachito*

        I think it would not be fair to treat it as a legitimate gift because it isn’t. If the sister does not agree with the plan, which I completely understand, I cannot imagine a fair solution other than refuse to take the money and participate in the plan.

      2. Might Be Spam*

        Mom wants us to have the money.
        Sister3 wants to keep the money and spend it as she pleases.
        The rest of us are willing to hold it for mom until she needs it and not commit any fraud.
        Once we return the money, mom will still be out Sister3’s share and the rest of us will have to make up her share out of our own money. That’s what we are trying to avoid.

        1. nnn*

          If your mom’s intention is that you just hold the money for 5 years in case she needs it during that time, then you need to spell out for her that your sister won’t do that and so she should not include your sister in this plan.

        2. Chestnut Mare*

          If your mom isn’t intending for the money to be a gift that you and your siblings can spend as you please, why is she giving it to you?

        3. Ginger Pet Lady*

          No, you will NOT have to make up your sister’s share. You might want to. It might mean if you don’t that your mom’s scheme doesn’t work, but you are in no way, shape or form required to cover your sister’s share.
          Honestly this sounds like a reaaaaaallllly bad plan, possibly illegal. Your mom can write a check to you, but you do not have to cash it or participate in this asset-hiding scheme, either.

        4. RagingADHD*

          If you are holding the money for your mom “until she needs it”, you ARE committing fraud.

          Sorry, you can’t have it both ways here. I think you and your mom have been taking some extremely bad advice from somewhere, and you need to talk to an elder law attorney ASAP.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, thank you.

            I’m in banking and lead part of the financial crimes department. Our automated systems would flag it for our review, but even if it didn’t, there are many other ways we find things like this. Our team would absolutely be looking at this and possibly filing a report for hiding assets depending on what our review finds. (And you do not want your mom’s name, or maybe even your and your siblings’ names in that report database at the regulatory agency and/or applicable law enforcement agency.)

            You need to consult an attorney before anyone does anything.

    8. hmm*

      It sounds like you’re talking about committing fraud? And asking for advice here to help you commit fraud? That is a serious thing.

        1. Sunday Justice*

          You said that your mom is giving her children the money to avoid the five-year look back for Medicaid eligibility. That is fraud.

          You said you will give it back when your mom needs it. What does that mean? At what point will it be returned to her?

        3. Swiftie*

          Your family needs to consult a lawyer who specializes in elderly care, full stop. Especially since there is already drama between your sister and the rest of you. If, to risk being blunt, your mother passed away tomorrow, this drama would become even more frustrating to deal with, at the worst possible time. Mom needs to see a lawyer to figure out her options, no ifs, ands, or buts.

          This kind of potentially shady “we’re not defrauding anyone wink wink” stuff is why the government has that look-back period.
          Source: not a lawyer, but has dealt with elderly family members and their money situations for years, has seen all sorts of wackiness go down.

    10. KAZ2Y5*

      The only answer is to see an elder law attorney. Anything else could get your mom in trouble if she needs care before the 5 years are up. This is not a problem you should crowd source on the internet.

  53. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

    I need some help with phrasing. I rent a house, and the backyard has a chain link fence around it. The neighbors to the side have a wood fence that’s a little bit away from the chain link fence and their dogs have been getting out from a gap in their fence and exploring the gap between the two fences. (The neighbor’s dogs are a separate issue- I’ve spoken to them about it on three different occasions and will be speaking to animal welfare when it opens about it, since they apparently aren’t planning on fixing the problem.)

    I do want to alert my landlord to the issue- one of the dogs is fairly large and whenever it squeezes itself along the fence, the fence itself gets bowed out and leans a little more. I want them to know it’s an issue, and I really want them to know it isn’t my fault! Is something like this sufficient?

    Landlord, I wanted to alert you that neighbor’s dog has been getting out of their fence and in doing so, has been pushing out the chainlink fence on this side. While I don’t think the fence needs repairs at this point, I want you to know that I’ve alerted the neighbors to the problem and will let you know if it gets worse.

    1. Sunny Sunday*

      It seems unlikely that your landlord will blame the fence issue on you, since you say it’s bulging somewhat toward your yard. There’s no way you could cause that to happen. I wouldn’t contact the landlord at all unless they are also the owner of the next door house.

      I also urge you not to contact animal control. This is not something they can do anything about, as the animals are not getting out and not creating a danger to the public. Animal welfare agencies are really struggling right now, as intakes have risen and live outcomes are down. It’s a really hard time for the agencies that try hard to not kill animals. Calling animal control means staff time devoted to that instead of for example trying to find the home of a lost pet so they don’t have to come into the shelter. (I work in animal welfare at the national level.)

      Perhaps work with the neighbor to help them repair the fence? Or leave it be, since you are not in danger. I understand it feels unfair that they aren’t doing the right thing, but sometimes it’s best to think about the likely outcome instead of the principle of the thing.

      1. SofiaDeo*

        Sorry to disagree. Those owners need to fix their fence, so the dogs don’t continue to get in between them, and possibly get hurt. So calling animal control to prevent something bad happening to the dogs (or possibly to the renter, when one of them breaks through) is a Good Thing. Since talking with them hasn’t helped, it’s time to escalate. We have a local doe who broke a leg getting stuck in a fence situation like this.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          And the most likely response from animal control, based on my experiences calling them on the terrible pet owners in my subdivision, is a form letter telling them to keep their pets from roaming free. Animal control is not going to come out, find and catch the dogs and cart them off to the pound.

          1. SofiaDeo*

            If Animal Control in your area is not being responsive to complaints of “broken fences”, THAT probably needs to be escalated. This isn’t a case of dogs getting out randomly, as they do. We have terrible pet owners where I live. Those that escalate things up the chain, eventually get things taken care of. Not saying it’s easy, but it can be done. Especially since it also appears these dogs have not only broken through *their* owners fence, they are now compromising *another* fence. It’s not the same as “dog got loose, again”.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Any further escalation beyond the form letter reminder for nuisance animals (which is where containment issues land for our animal control department) requires complaints with date-logged documentation submitted from multiple households in the neighborhood before they’ll take further action, to reduce time spent on nuisance calls. I get it – they don’t want my jerkwad neighbor calling in a fake complaint on me in retaliation and causing me problems – but it definitely means they’re not going out and picking up neighborhood dogs willy-nilly and dumping them in the county shelter.

              1. KatEnigma*

                You say all this, with the mistaken belief that what may be true in your jurisdiction is most definitively untrue in others.

      2. KatEnigma*

        The dogs ARE getting out. Into LW’s yard. And how did you determine LW isn’t in danger exactly?

    2. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      That sounds fine. I’d definitely let your landlord know and include pictures. It shouldn’t be a problem but it’s always wise to CYA when renting.

  54. Protecting Boundaries*

    Can anyone offer some examples of the self-talk you do to help yourself maintain well-established boundaries without guilt?

    It took until my 30s to learn about my boundaries (always had them, just didn’t know how to set them and protect them). Intellectually I of course know that I CAN say no to absolutely anything and everything I don’t want to do. I know that I CAN remove someone from my life who blatantly and aggressively crosses my boundaries. But how do I get to that next step where setting and maintaining a boundary and then following through on the consequences I communicated doesn’t lead to endless worry and anxiety and thinking of the person who hurts me over and over?

    1. S*

      Therapy. I’m not being glib, this is a really hard thing to do and a therapist can help you work through your patterns, thoughts, and feelings of guilt.

      Ime setting little boundaries as kinda of experiments also works. So instead of cutting off a friend that always takes and never gives, you try saying, sorry, I can’t help with that today. And then you experience that the sky doesn’t fall, the friend finds someone else to help or doesn’t, and you’re better positioned to next time say no, too.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        Yes. Therapy has helped me so much in this area. Find a therapist that is a good match for you and talk about this with your therapist.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Good for you for taking care of yourself. If I’m reading this correctly, you haven’t yet set the boundary and you’re anticipating how you will feel afterward. I suggest you go ahead and set the boundary and then see how you feel. These are actually two different things. Setting the boundary is step one, which it sounds like you’re ready to do. Then you can address how you feel afterward for your own well-being.

      Being afraid of how you will feel later can undermine taking action. My experience is that setting a boundary can feel empowering and gets easier over time with practice, so that the focus afterward in my head is myself instead of the other person.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      Here’s a couple of things I remind myself.

      An ultimatum is a threat used to scare someone into a decision. If you’ve already thought through and can accept either outcome, that’s just a notice of your boundaries.

      The other person doesn’t have to like the boundary you set.

      You set this boundary to protect yourself, not to hurt someone else.

      Boundaries are easier to set and maintain when you truly believe that you deserve to be treated well.

    4. Generic Name*

      I suggest reframing it from “without guilt” to being ok with the discomfort of not pleasing everyone. You can also look at it as anyone who reacts badly to you setting a boundary doesn’t have your best interest at heart. People who prefer that you don’t have boundaries aren’t on “team you”, you know? When I think about the times I’ve set boundaries with people, the ones who are healthy for me to be around universally are ok with my boundary. Sure, they might be disappointed, but they understand and respect my boundary.

    5. allathian*

      Forget the “without guilt” part for a start. It’s already a victory when you manage to set and maintain a boundary even if it makes you feel guilty.

      Your boundaries are there to protect you, not to hurt anyone else. If they take offence at a boundary or claim it hurts them, that’s their problem rather than yours.

      A good therapist can help you internalize the fact that you have the right to protect yourself *even if doing so hurts other people’s feelings*.

  55. SofiaDeo*

    Wow, it IS tough IMO. I must keep reiterating *why* I have set the boundary I have, and keep repeating I have made a good choice for *me*. I try to focus on what I want to have happen/the positive outcome. So, redirect when the hurtful/intrusive thoughts happen. Be happy you have recognized it, and are taking steps to change it, even if that person continues to challenge you.

  56. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Anyone ever use Geek Squad to mount a tv? Bought a tv from Amazon and am thinking of having Geek Squad put it on my wall but haven’t used them before and wondered if y’all have.

    1. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Nope, but I’ve done it myself (with the help of a second person because I don’t have three hands) and it’s not that hard.

  57. New website*

    I’m going to create a new website to let people know about some books I haven’t quite finished writing yet (I wanted to get the domain while it was available). I got the domain through GoDaddy, and I’m trying to decide whether or not to use WordPress. I’ve used it before and am not a fan.

    I’m moderately experienced with HTML and JavaScript but not a guru. One thing that was frustrating with WordPress in the past was that I couldn’t use && in a JavaScript program. Another issue was that it didn’t let me name the pages; I googled how to, and the instructions I found never matched the options I have.

    General advice is welcome too.

    I’m planning to sell the books on Amazon, not on my new web site. This web site is mostly to talk about them, provide links, be an author web page, maybe have a few fun things here and there.

    1. Meow!*

      Have you ever looked into Wix? I found Wix very intuitive- it’s more the drag and drop style of web design and you can name your own pages. You don’t need any HTML or JavaScript knowledge.

  58. londonedit*

    Being English, yes I do :)

    Currently celebrating the mighty Bees’ win over Liverpool (I’m a United fan so generally enjoy Liverpool being crap, plus Brentford are my local team so it’s nice to see them doing well. Haven’t forgiven them for stuffing us earlier in the season but at least we’re not the only ones they’ve stuffed!) Typical though that that match was on the day I got back from my parents’ house – my dad has Sky Sports, BT Sport and Amazon Prime which is everything you need to watch the football here, and I don’t have any of those so I have to content myself with the FA Cup, League Cup and the Champions/Europa League matches that are shown on terrestrial TV.

    1. londonedit*

      Oh for God’s sake. That was a reply to the Premier League thread above. Ridiculously late and now mis-threaded! Happy 2023 :D

  60. Princess Pickles*

    To OP 4: you are overthinking this. After my divorce I had to move back home with my daughter to my parents’ place. Some people may have looked at me askance but most people said how great it was that we were living with them. We all got to spend time together and my daughter thrived with their attention. We lived there until I was able to get our own place and all of us were a little sad when it happened. Your question though is how people perceive you: I really think many people are jealous that they don’t have the kind of relationship with their parents that you have. So many people I talked to said they could never do it and I thought that was sad. I love my parents and we got along great. I wish more people could do that.

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