weekend open thread – July 22-23, 2023

by Alison Green on July 21, 2023

Foster cat Cherry and resident cat Hank

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Truth and Other Hidden Things, by Lea Geller. After moving for her husband’s job, a woman begins writing an anonymous newspaper column about the habits of her new hipster neighbors. The column is not flattering; things explode.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder that the weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think dinner party or office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts are not. The full rules are here.

  2. nnn*

    A couple of years ago there was a thread here asking about your most useful purchase under $100. I got so many great ideas from it (especially my Tovolo mini spatula and silicon drain catcher, both so useful) so wanted to ask the question again.

    I’ll raise the price this time: what has been your most useful purchase under $200?

    2. Double A*

      Microchip cat feeder. I felt stupid spending almost $200 on a cat bowl but it solves the problem of one cat overeating and now is making it possible to give a special diet and supplements to our older cats.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ha I was thinking, probably my automatic litter box! Littermade makes one in the 1-200 range that works okay and it has improved my life, although I remember thinking it was crazy to spend so much.

        1. Rainy*

          Oh man, I want an automatic litterbox so bad, but one of my cats is a high pee-er and I’d have to get one of the super expensive ones, because all the reasonably priced ones are too shallow for her. Someday!

          1. Synaptically Unique*

            Not automatic, but I ended up using the Modkat flip for my high-peeing fellow and it was SO helpful. I also have a litter robot. Totally worth it, but get the extended warranty.

            1. Rainy*

              Oh, interesting–we’ve been using the tallest boxes I can find that aren’t top entry or hooded (she won’t use a top entry box, and the ones with a hood that snaps on, she pees too high for–it all runs down the inside of the hood and then the outside of the bottom box). When I need to replace one next I might try one of these guys. I want a litter robot so bad but they’re so expensive (and also I worry she’ll freak out at being enclosed). Satan’s calico of course does not care and has perfect, unchallenging litter habits.

              1. Bart*

                Re: peeing on the sides. I buy a huge plastic tub/storage bin and cut out an entry in one wall. Keeps the pee in and no need for a cover. Mine is probably 2 feet tall—and could be any size you needed. But is is not fancy so doesn’t meet the spirit of this thread.

                1. Anonymask*

                  I thought I was alone in this weird peeing issue. Glad to see that’s not the case! Unfortunately, this solution (we’ve done) is still too short for my… little angels.

            2. A*

              +1 for Modkat! It’s well worth the price tag; my cat practically pees upwards and it’s so nice to not be cleaning up spills.

      2. Clara Bowe*

        YES. My only issue is the darn things stop working after a year. Will I continue to spend that $$? YES.

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Really? We’ve had ours for going on 10 years. We did find that they’re sensitive to electrical interference though, so try and keep it away from things like wall heaters (we were about to replace ours until I moved it out of the way one day and it magically worked perfectly again).

          1. Clara Bowe*

            Sadly, the cat that uses it is… not gentle. Two have taken a dive off a high place and the most recent one just hates the batteries I put in it.

      4. Anthology*

        Related, cat water fountain. They’re much like printers in that the up-front cost is only a bit over $100, but they get you on the replacement items (multiple filters changed ~monthly, motor changed ~yearly). It’s worthwhile though; we’ve had ours so long that I’ve seen the effect on lifetime kidney health (versus the cats we had before getting it).

        1. Rainy*

          I’ve gotten a number of good cat water fountains for $50 or less. My favourite brand is catit, and they have a bunch of really good ones around that price point. But yes, they get you on the filters for sure. And I only buy the authorized filters because I’ve read some horrific reviews about the “X-compatible” ones having weird stuff in them that contaminates the water.

        2. Can't Sit Still*

          I love my fountain from ThirstyCat Fountains! They just slide under the $200 limit if you get a bubble-up fountain, but it was worth it. The cats love it, it’s easy to clean, and it’s beautiful. Probably not the best thing for a home with rambunctious kids or dogs, though.

    3. Euphony*

      A duplicate of anything I might pack when travelling, eg hairbrush, phone charger. This means I can pack everything the night before and don’t risk forgetting things in the morning, or have the stress of needing to remember to pack last minute items.

      The other thing I’ve found really good is switching to a stainless steel catering tray (gastronorm) instead of a plastic cat litter tray. It might be heavier, but it is much easier to keep clean and odour free. Plus you don’t need to replace it every 1-2 years like you do with plastic trays.

      1. Lissajous*

        Seconding travel doubles of everything! The other bonus is that when you get home, you don’t have to unpack anything before you have a shower!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Thirding this. I keep a Dopp kit packed in a suitcase at all times so I don’t have to mess with it if I have to go anywhere.
          My biggest travel problem is overpacking, so I need to decide on a go-to basic travel wardrobe and do this with clothes.

          1. KimberT*

            For clothes, I pulled a bunch of things from my wardrobe that fit fine and look good but are things that I don’t reach for as often (think Heather gray leggings and I usually wear black or a dress that’s an inch shorter than I prefer for work) and those live in my suitcase. Having daily basics mean I’m only packing clothes for explicit reasons and I find it easier to catch myself shoving the 9th shirt in my luggage out of anxiety.

            1. Jean (just Jean)*

              >catch myself shoving the 9th shirt in my luggage out of anxiety
              Oh, solidarity!! Pre-Travel Packing Anxiety is real.

    4. Eliot Waugh*

      Useful in a fashion sense:
      Fancy, comfortable, and unique boots from Spring Step. I can wear them with most of my outfits, I get a zillion compliments, and they’ve really upped my look in general.

      1. Pippa K*

        Ok thanks for this, because I have now picked out a gorgeous pair of boots that I don’t strictly need, so I have to think of some task or accomplishment for which this can be a reward :)

    7. Just a Name*

      Picked up a Roomba last week during Prime days. So far he’s been brilliant. My long hair will continue to be a maintenance issue, but I shed, what can I say?

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I highly recommend one of those little round combs that pull hair off the brush. Also do the deep clean before it wears out its innards. I didn’t, was so glad my husband found replacement parts online & brought zombie roomba back by swapping out the motor.

        1. Bananapants Circus with Dysfunctional Monkeys*

          Okay the mental image of a zombie Roomba made me laugh!

    8. Just here for the scripts*

      Apple TV—not the service but the little cube. It makes streaming sooooo much easier.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I got a Denby Dutch oven. Cheaper than Le Creuset, and coming with excellent reviews.

      The intention was for my partner to use it for bread baking experiments. In fact, where it gets used the most is day-to-day cooking, and I’ve made with it things I had always shunned or screwed up before.

      I love having a pot that is both hob and oven safe, and also find that I can make recipes with long cooking times with a lot more peace of mind (not as much worrying that food will stick or dry out, and so on).

    10. SG*

      I was the one who originally recommended the Tovolo mini spatula — I love that you love it!! It’s a gamer changer. :)

    11. Cat Owner*

      Lilly Brush. Small rectangular thing with flexible plastic edges. Gets cat hair (the kind that sticks and won’t vacuum up) off everything, especially the cat tree. About $10.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We got a large multi-function air fryer at the height of the pandemic because our oven stopped heating past 300°F/150°C.

      I’ve raved about my Cosori here before–it’s big enough to proof a KitchenAid bowl of dough, and even enough that bread rises in cold weather. We move it to the back porch as soon as we turn on the AC, so we can cook without heating the house.

      We haven’t bothered to replace the oven yet because it’s only needed for turkey which we slow roast anyway!
      Even with inflation it still squeaks in under your limit…at least if you ignore tax. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07W67NQMN?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

    13. Brontosaurus*

      If you’re a casual cook like me, I cannot recommend highly enough the Starfrit the Rock 12 inch nonstick frying pan.

      It’s the perfect size, has survived twice-weekly use and the dishwasher for 10 years without a single scratch, and most importantly—nothing sticks to it. Nothing. I purchased from Home Depot, oddly, the last time I gave one as a gift.

      1. Professor Plum*

        I’ve been needing new nonstick pans. Just ordered. Thanks for the recommendation!

    14. Expiring Cat Memes*

      A pull chopper. Anytime I need ingredients to be minced or finely chopped it does the job in seconds, way better than I could do manually and without turning it into soup like an electrical gizmo. Much less hassle to get out of the cupboard and clean up afterwards too. It cost about $5.

    15. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Wyze smart bulbs. I bought 8 for about $150, and now most of our lighting (except our kitchen and bathrooms) use it. I didn’t even realize how much I disliked having to turn out the light and then navigate around furniture in a dark room, or do the reverse, until we got these. Voice control feels so futuristic! (Even if Alexa messes it up a lot!) They’re dimmable, too, so I can turn down the light without turning it off, and I even set up an Alexa Routine to turn the light from 1% to 100% over 30 minutes for winter mornings when it’s dark when I wake up.

      I tried out a routine that turned the lights by the front door on for 5 minutes when the smart lock was unlocked, then turn them off, but it got a little annoying when it wasn’t needed, which is most of the time.

    16. Dwight Schrute*

      Motion sensor lights for my laundry area

      Magnetic wireless charger phone mount for my car

      Retractable phone charger so my roomba doesn’t get caught

    17. Golden*

      I think my response to your last question was my cats, they were BOGO at the shelter for something like $80.

      This time, it’s event insurance for my April 2020 wedding! It cost about $170 and I was able to recoup essentially everything but the dress when we had to cancel for obvious reasons.

    18. Dragonfly7*

      An electric tea kettle. Besides tea and oatmeal, I used it to boil water to bathe at my old apartment during a winter storm and when my water heater frequently went out.
      The office chair I bought at Goodwill for $6.50 is a very close second.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love having an electric kettle. The one I was using died, so I got one at Walmart — it has different temperature buttons for different kinds of tea, one 200-degree button for a French press, which is how I make my coffee in the morning, and a Keep Warm button that shuts off after 30 minutes. It looks really cool and was only around $37. Google “Hamilton Beach 1.7 Liter Variable Temperature Electric Kettle Model 41022.”

          1. Subtle Tuba*

            With a teakettle that you heat on the stove (which I think you call the cooktop in the UK?)! I have an electric kettle for my office at work, but at home, I just boil water on the stove.

            1. londonedit*

              We call it the hob. Some people here do have kettles that go on the hob, but electric kettles are so quick to boil that they’re the vastly more popular option. I’d hazard a guess that 99% of British homes have a kettle (we just call it a kettle, not a teakettle!)

          2. Littorally*

            For people who drink hot tea, often a stove kettle like Subtle Tuba said; for people who don’t often drink hot tea, which is a lot of USAmericans, a mug of water in the microwave is sufficient. Hot tea is not as common of a thing here, tea is more often a cold drink and coffee if you want something hot.

            Of course, I say this as someone who does own an electric kettle, but that gets used far more often for my french press coffee than it does for tea.

          3. The Prettiest Curse*

            As someone married to an American who loves tea …. for some reason, they’re weirdly devoted to kettles that you heat up on the hob. Now that we’re living in the UK, I keep trying to convert my husband to using an electric kettle, but nope, he insists on the hob version even though it’s a lot slower, noisier and less energy efficient. We have an electric kettle and he won’t use it! ARGHHHH!

          4. Anono-me*

            I read an article on line (so take this fo what it is worth) saying that UK electric kettles were much faster and nicer to use than USA electric kettles due to the electric systems and regulations in each country.

              1. Laura Petrie*

                Yes, I stayed in an AirB&B in the US with and electric kettle and it took forever to boil. Most of the other places I’ve stayed had a stove top kettle.

          5. earl grey, hot.*

            I’m a frequent tea drinker, and I have a hot water on demand faucet. best thing ever, but not under 200.

          6. Bob-White of the Glen*

            I have a bottled water (3 or 5 gallon jugs) system that dispenses cold and hot water. The hot water is absolutely hot enough for tea, etc. I usually have to add some frig water if I want to drink the tea any time soon. It’s a bottom loader (don’t have to flip the giant bottles upside down and watch them spill all over) and self-cleaning! And under $200.

    19. TurnedMeIntoANewt*

      Dormi sleep headphones (around $60) have been life changing. I discovered that I would fall asleep immediately listening to audiobooks (free from my local library via the Libby app) and these make it comfortable. They aren’t noise cancelling but having them right next to your head blocks out enough. There is a bright blinking light on it, which may or may not be an issue. My partner goes to bed later than me and said it helps him navigate our dark bedroom. They’re also good for travel because they’re small and don’t need frequent charging.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        I solved this with a different sleep headphone with a bit of electrical tape! (if helpful to anyone else.)

        1. TurnedMeIntoANewt*

          You can get little stickers to dim overly bright indicator lights, which is what I used initially. It was helpful to see whether the headphones were on. My partner actually asked to have full brightness back, so I took the sticker off. Handy little stickers tho, I got two sheets of varying sizes for a few dollars.

    20. Katty*

      Blue Apron meal prep! We get it twice a week for a family of four. I think it’s about $95 right now each week. I can’t remember because we go back-and-forth between twice a week and three times a week. I always thought meal prep services were stupid before I did it. I love it because the food is interesting and often it is cheaper because it might be spices or a type of vinegar I don’t normally have even though I cook quite a bit. For example, it might be a Hawaiian dish and I don’t have those spices. Also, great food! This week, we had a Cajun shrimp boil and a crispy chicken dinner with coconut rice, poblano peppers, and red cabbage. We all take turns cooking, so that’s great too. My kids can cook, but this really taught them how to get three dishes on the table at once. We did HelloFresh once, and I thought it was terrible – very bland food.

      We started doing this in quarantine and loved it. Now we do it for about three months typically and then will take a couple months off and start again. In the long run, it saves us money because otherwise we end up eating out or ordering in. Everyone has become a better cook, and we get to make the choices and we always cheese healthy food. Most of the choices are healthy anyway.

    21. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      1. An Oster mini food chopper. It was about $20 when I bought it and came with a metal S blade and a whipping tool. I use it all the time. It’s a lot easier to clean than a blender after making lassi or chopping bread crumbs.

      2. A steam mop with reusable microfiber cloths. We have several pets and my husband doesn’t notice spills or dirt. The steam helps pull up dried-on filth easily without the overpowering odor of cleaners. I think it helps with neutalizing pet odors, too.

      3. Three Feit smart outlets for $16 at Costco. The Deal Guy on YouTube mentioned them so I thought I would give them a try. I like that I can set my lamps on a schedule and also turn them on or off randomly when I am gone. I have a lot of plants and have worn out several mechanical timers, each of which cost $10-$12, over the years.

      1. Girasol*

        My first thought was the mini-chopper, but I’d have to go with the toaster oven. It makes six muffins, six cookies (from a bag of frozen dough balls), or just enough casserole or roasted potatoes and veggies for two, not to mention that it does away with the old pop-up toaster. It doesn’t even have to preheat and it doesn’t roast the kitchen like the big oven.

    22. Glazed Donut*

      Smart plugs. My floor lamps and other lamps turn on at sunset and off at sunrise (for one room). I can turn lights and a fan on and off with my phone, and program the timing to look like someone is home when I’m out of town. I also gave some to my grandmother to use after she had surgery and it was more difficult for her to turn lights on and off.

    23. the cat's ass*

      automatic water bowl for my cats. It’s USB rechargeable, so no dangly tempting cords to bite/trip over and even has a motion detector. Cats love it, tho it looks like a tiny bidet, so that’s a little weird.

    24. Elle Woods*

      A cast iron skillet. I love how evenly it heats and that I can move it from the cooktop to the oven. I’ve kicked myself a few times for waiting so long to buy one.

      1. Llama face!*

        I just got a large cast iron frying pan in like-new condition for free! It’s the painted kind so not as likely to have rust issues. I am really looking forward to using it. Do you have any cast iron skillet recipes to recommend? I know it will be very handy for making frittatas.

        1. KimberT*

          I think chicken breasts in cast iron are game changing. You get skin on boneless breasts, preheat the pan on medium high. Also preheat the oven to 400.

          Oil and salt the chicken liberally and put skin side down in the pan. Leave on the stove and do not touch the breasts for 5 minutes. If your pan is hot enough, after five minutes the skin should be golden brown. Leave for 2 more minutes if not browned yet. Once golden, leave the breasts skin side down and move to the oven. Cook until 155 degrees internal temperature. At that point, flip the breasts to skin side up. Cook until your preferred internet temperature (165 minimum but I prefer 170.) Remove from oven and let rest 5-10 minutes before serving. You can even make a pan sauce using the fat left in the pan if you want.

    25. SG*

      Large hydrocolloid bandages that can be cut to size, like this: https://www.amazon.com/Care-Science-Hydrocolloid-Absorbency-Waterproof/dp/B07QKFX2CL/ref=sr_1_2?crid=YJI1JQ69MFRM&keywords=hydrocolloid&qid=1690042313&s=hpc&sprefix=hydrocolloid%2Chpc%2C105&sr=1-2

      They have changed my life, no exaggeration. They stick anywhere, promote healing, stay on through handwashing and showers (a week or so), and reduce or eliminate pain. If you have a scrape on your palm or knuckle, they will stick there and stay put! They dramatically reduce pain of scrapes and minor burns. If you have a papercut, you can cut a band-aid size piece, works like a charm. They are not cheap but you don’t need to change them like regular band-aids. I never understood why they are not more popular!

      1. Jessica*

        The picture looks like there’s an adhesive edge around the bandage square. But am I understanding you right the whole thing is adhesive and you don’t need the edges to hold it on?

        1. SG*

          Yes, the whole thing is adhesive! The edge you see is just a tapered part that is thinner edge to lay flatter against your skin, but the entire thing is bandage is adhesive. The tapered edge is just a nice-to-have if you’re using the the whole bandage for a large scrape on your knee, or you can use that part for small cuts on your fingers where the thin-ness will be more comfortable between your fingers.
          The instructions say not to cut the bandages — who knows why — probably just to incentivize folks to buy smaller, more expensive ones rather than cutting the big ones. FYI, for those of you who are familiar with acne patches, those are just tiny, thin hydrocolloid bandages. I still do use those though, rather than cut big ones for acne, because the patches are so thin and small and easy to use. My fave brand for those is Rael.)
          Anyway, try them, you will be glad! Pro tip — you want a larger piece than the size of the wound, especially for large, open scrapes, because the gel absorbs the liquid from and will form a cushion that expands beyond the scrape’s borders. For small cuts this isn’t really an issue.

    26. mreasy*

      Oh gosh our air fryer. Now that it’s summer I’m triply happy not to heat up the oven for most things!

    27. WorkNowPaintLater*

      My Yeti thermos. The place we don’t talk about on weekends doesn’t supply coffee and the in-house ancient Keurig keeps failing – that little thermos holds my coffeemakers whole pot, has survived multiple droppings in the parking lot and keeps my coffee warm all day. Has been worth every cent paid for it and I’ll buy another if it every fails/comes up missing.

      1. TurnedMeIntoANewt*

        I got their huge tumbler during a promotion with free customizations. It was pricey, but worth every cent and was the only one that is dishwasher safe and will hold drinks at temperature for a long time.

    28. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Posters from allposters dot com have really helped to brighten up my walls. If you skip the framing and just put them up with Command strips, they’re affordable, even for a large poster. I got a bunch of prints of vintage travel posters, some of Mucha’s Art Nouveau posters, etc.

      Some fancy stainless steel, half-moon-shaped, open-top trash cans, like the kind that you might see at a coffee shop. I use them for trash and recyclables. I wound up paying more than $200, but I think you can get something them for considerably less if you look around on Amazon. The key for me was getting nice tall ones that take a while to fill up. My kitchen looks a million times better now that I am not just hanging a trash bag off of a drawer handle and tossing recyclables in a pile.

      I’ll always put in a plug for the Mr. Lid food storage containers that have their lids attached so you can never lose them, though as I’ve aged, I have a harder time opening them. If they would only partner with OXO.

    30. Breaking Dishes*

      My Zeba shoes. I can slip into these shoes and they stay tight. They are sneakers. It’s hard for me to get down to my shoes to get them on or tie them (it would be difficult to even Velcro them). They run $130 per pair and have made my life so much easier.

    31. Tennie*

      A lot less than $200, but Rechargeable Plug-in Flashlights that act as emergency lights. If the power goes out, they automatically come on. We have them in all the major areas of the house, so we don’t have to grope around in the dark looking for flashlights (which I never remember where they are stashed). Plus, if we need a flashlight for some other reason, we always know where one is.

      1. Pamela Adams*

        A friend gave us rechargeable light bulbs. I was pleased during a power outage to see they really worked.

    32. Pajamas on Bananas*

      Over the sink dish rack. All the dishes actually fit. I didn’t buy a Rackifier, but I did get their paper towel and cup rack accessories, which are great. If you have melamine plates, you can double them up in the rack.

    33. Dido*

      My $165 BISSELL TurboClean DualPro Pet Carpet Cleaner is easily the best purchase I’ve ever made

    34. allathian*

      A kettle with adjustable temperature from 70 C to 100 C. This means that I can make my favorite green and white teas with water that isn’t too hot for the blend.

      Granted, this was a gift from my MIL, but it’s still an item that I use at least weekly in summer and daily in winter.

    35. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Double boiler. I use it all the time whenever I’m cooking anything on the stove that I don’t want browned or charred as part of the cooking process, and it means that I don’t get things like beans and sauces burned on to the bottom of the pot. I don’t understand why this isn’t a standard piece of cookware, because I use mine all of the time. It makes “slowly heat this thing up and let it thicken without burning it” practically idiot-proof. I use it for everything from heating up a can of beans with some spices for a taco filling to making hot cocoa.

    36. Windaria*

      Rocket notebooks. The pages feel like normal paper, but you can wipe them right off with a cloth and water. I used to go through notebooks/scratch paper like crazy, but now I’ve just had the one for almost a year. Each page has a small QR code on the corner, so you can scan it with your phone and upload the page to google docs if you want to keep those notes before you erase the page. I learned about it from an HR forum group, a bunch of us have all become addicted to our Rocketbooks.

      It does require a special pen (Pilot Frixion), but they come in a variety of different colors, nibs, and I think they even have highlighters.

  3. NatTheGreat*

    Hi all!

    I’m writing for advice and lived experience from people living in multi-unit resident-owned housing (condos, co-ops, etc) where the HOAs, Strata Councils, co-op boards, etc., meeting virtually have an efficient system for addressing issues raised by residents. I’m excited to hear all input and advice, but what will be most useful is hearing from people who have participated in or witnessed a workable system.

    I live in what’s called in Canada a ‘Strata Building’. It’s a multi-unit building where each unit is owned by an individual, and the building is managed by a property manager overseen by a ‘Strata Council’.

    I served on my strata council in the early 2000s. At that time, there were monthly in-person meetings. If an owner had a concern, they would submit a physical letter via a strata mailbox in the lobby. During the meetings, we would review the correspondence, discuss it, and instruct the property manager to address it. Any actionable correspondence would be noted in the minutes under ‘Correspondence’.

    Currently, meetings are held 6x per year via Zoom. Owner/resident correspondence is via email, and it seldom makes it into the minutes. I mentioned this to the current president, and he expressed to me that there’s no set structure for dealing with correspondence, and that it takes weeks or months(!) to resolve, due to endless back-and-forth among strata members and with the property manager.

    Someone somewhere must have made the transition from in-person to virtual without loss of functionality. I’d be thrilled to pass on to the current council any workable ideas to improve, particularly things that are currently in practice.

    1. mainly spoons*

      I can’t help. Also in a strata in Canada, but ours is a mess. And the present council, that I am no longer on, is so incompetent they are being taken to court (rightfully) by a disgruntled owner. Also, they just spent a quarter of a million dollars on work that can’t be done. (due to bylaws that no one checked beforehand. Some of that responsibility should be on the management company).

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Would you be willing to suggest and join or even lead a committee to address this? If so, you could say, “Hey, everybody, looks like we have a communication breakdown here, could we please put this on the agenda at the next meeting to discuss?” Then at the meeting during that time, suggest an ad-hoc committee to look at the by-laws to see if there’s an existing policy that is or isn’t being followed, or could be improved or replaced.

      In my experience with condos and condo-like living, improvements don’t generally happen unless and until residents take some initiative and volunteer to do it themselves. I would be really surprised if your by-laws didn’t have a mechanism, though, to modify or create policies to handle various needs.

    3. Janeric*

      It’s not the same, but an organization I work with publishes all public-facing communication since the last meeting ten days before a meeting on the website — so it’s available for everyone’s review — and then there is a “correspondence” item on the agenda, and prior communication is archived after six months.

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      I can’t claim that our condo board works, exactly, considering the fight over balcony decorations(!) at our last meeting, but we have a monthly hybrid in-person/Zoom meeting and the minutes are published promptly online. Our bylaws require resident issues to be taken up at the next meeting after receipt, if that helps? Sometimes it’s tabled for further discussion or follow up, but the issue stays on the agenda until it’s been fully addressed.

      Our complex is 50 years old this year, and some of our residents have been here since the early days, so things can be a little calcified, and some of the resentments are decades deep, but it’s pretty functional overall.

    5. A313*

      Maybe Roberts Rules of Order could help. I see it’s been updated some for pandemic-related issues. My grandmother, who was on her condo board, swore by Roberts Rules.

  4. Tina*

    Anyone with ADHD and/or executive dysfunction here who has successfully figured out a cooking/meal plan routine? We’re back to the office so I’m in 2-3 days per week. For some reason it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I should eat every four hours, and I can’t afford to eat out as much as I do.

    1. Miss Scarlett*

      ADHD here. Crockpot cooking is a life saver. I set it up in the morning before work. Things that take well to slow cooking such as roasts with potatoes, stews, or chili. This way dinner is ready when I get home from work and there are plenty of leftovers for lunch the next day.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Sort of? We plan our week’s dinners every weekend, put the dinner menu in writing, make note on the kitchen whiteboard about “Tuesday: take out a pound of ground beef to defrost” or “Wednesday: start the pulled pork in the crockpot at 11am” or whatever is warranted. (I don’t know about my husband but I duplicate those notes as reminders in my phone for the things that are my responsibility.) Then we don’t deviate – like, once it’s in writing, it’s set and that is what happens.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I have gotten better about figuring out easy tricks to “transform” my leftovers from one night to the next. Like the first night it’s soup, second night it’s tacos, that kind of thing. Then I can make one cooked meal stretch further, because I can never motivate myself to start cooking *before* I’m hungry, and once I’m hungry, I don’t want to wait.

    4. Saddesklunch*

      For me having a variety of substantial snacks I can mix and match is a life saver, especially when I’m trying to eat more frequently. So things like crackers, cheese, hummus, veggies, fruits, cured meats can be lunch, snacks, or dinner. That plus breakfast foods and a couple of planned dinners that make leftovers sets me up pretty well.

      1. The Shenanigans*

        I second this suggestion. Most of my meals when I’m working ate basically just enough healthy snacks to add up to a meal’s worth of food. I also get a great deal of use out of my electric kettle and ramen, instant mashed potatoes, etc.

        The most important thing is to work with what you’re already inclined to do vs what you feel you should do.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Strongly agree! First, I have to make the leap and buy lots of the reasonably healthy snacks I actually like and am willing to eat – kind of a narrow category TBH – and then on days where I just can’t function, it’s an option to munch all day versus trying to concentrate on making a whole meal. I used to resist shelling out the bucks for the dried fruit, the good crackers, the nice cheese, and the expensive produce (particularly pre-cut, which is expensive!) but now I realize the alternative is going to be me snacking on junk and still not eating nice meals.

      3. Dragonfly7*

        This also works well for me, combined with fast/easy to use ingredients like canned beans or ground meat / chicken that I precooked and put in the freezer. Also, already cooked hard boiled eggs. Convenience foods might be more expensive, but they are typically still less than going out to eat.

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        For me, it helps to have some snacks in individual-sized portions so they don’t go bad as fast if I forget that I need to use them up. Like, I’ll get packs of single servings of cottage cheese, apple sauce, guacamole, hummus, etc.

    6. Pennyworth*

      I also ADHD. I live on my own but I always cook 4-serve meals and freeze three in containers I can take to work and microwave. I never label stuff so I often don’t know what I have taken out of the freezer until I heat it. I also freeze hearty soups. I guess my routine, if you could call it that, is to cook more than I need right away. Is there a medical reason you need to eat every four hours? I’m pre-snack generation so I usually avoid those but have hot drinks. There are always tea bags and single-serve miso soup sachets in my drawer. Once I manage to establish a habit it makes my life more manageable.

    7. Gathering Moss*

      ADHD and chronic pain/illness here. Meal plans have never worked for me; the option I found that works the best was to make sure our grocery shopping covers a set range of staples, and to have a list of quick and easy options that we like stuck to the fridge so we can just pull an idea from that and make it from what we have.
      I also usually make extra whenever we have curries or stews, and freeze individual portions for nights when neither of us can face either cooking or thinking hard.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Something I am always falling foul of is thinking that I’m going to do batch cooking every day and I get overtaken by a too ambitious plan; I love lists! Plans! Then, I’ll have a night were I don’t feel at all like cooking or making lunch, so I’ll want to eat out. So, I would start realistically. What will you actually do with what you buy? I’m pretty good at make-ahead breakfast because ‘get ready the night before’ is the lynchpin of my ADHD management. So, I’ll buy oats yoghurt, banana and berries for overnight oats (I make three servings in one go). If I didn’t have this habit in place, I’d buy more grab-and-go breakfasts like I used to. I am only willing to make lunch about 2-3 times a week, so I buy ingredients for that, but I also buy ready to go things like deli stuff, Spanish tortillas, crackers and pate. John West makes little tuna lunches in foil containers with pasta or rice that are my usual plan B because they have a great shelf life. Same with dinner, there will be at least one night were I want a frozen pizza or easy to cook filled pasta after I’ve had a few nights of cooking. Have a look at what you actually eat, think of what you feel you’re missing when you go to the fridge. I find Alexa pretty invaluable for shopping lists as I run out of stuff.

    9. crookedglasses*

      I recently discovered single serving silicone freezer trays and that has been a game changer for me. I can make leftovers, keep some in the fridge, but also freeze some single serving sized portions. Over time, it means that I’ve built up a stash of meals that are very easy to reheat.

      As somebody who can get bored easily and doesn’t necessarily want to be beholden to the same meal repeatedly, this has been a really useful strategy.

      1. RW*

        I use old takeaway containers for this! The ones my local Indian shop uses are just the right size for a single serve and freeze well. Often I’ll just freeze one meal of leftovers and eat the rest, but it means if I’m having a badly planned week or just got back from holiday… there’s still food

    10. Katty*

      I just posted in the thread above about Blue Apron meal prep. I would really consider it for ADHD. You don’t have to plan anything. You can do it two times a week. It’s not as cheap as shopping for sure, but MUCH cheaper than ordering in which we end up doing. Also, nice portion sizes. I have two adults and two teens. We get a meal for a family of four and it is always enough food. I often have enough for one lunch as well.

    11. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I have a 2 month meal rotation in a spreadsheet. That isn’t to say I never deviate, I do quite often, because I like trying new recipes. But every week when I do my meal plan and shopping, if I can’t think/find/be bothered to come up with something new I just plug in where ever I am in the plan.

      If I end up liking something new I move it into the rotation in place of whatever I find myself avoiding.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Still working on it! (Newly diagnosed ADHD with a laughably low ability to plan complex tasks.)

      I’m currently experimenting with laying out the tools I’ll need to cook and eat my breakfast in the dish drainer or on the stove the night before to trigger my memory of what I should be making for breakfast instead of foraging in the fridge and making bad choices. So, I keep my saucepan and my frying pan clean on the stove and the correct measuring cup and a spoon and bowl clean in the dish drainer, and that reminds me to make oatmeal and instant coffee in the morning. If I forget the stuff in the dish drainer, I will forget about the oatmeal and default to frying up an egg or blintz or something less healthy.

      If I have an idea to cook something that has some non-refrigerated ingredients in it, I might put those on my kitchen table to remind me that I could cook the item with them.

      The struggle is real.

      1. Rainy*

        My weekday breakfasts are coffee and my ADHD medication and a drinkable yogurt. Your ability to plan complex breakfasts is heroic to me. :)

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Aw, thanks! This system only works when I’m not teaching. On teaching days, if I get some instant coffee and my most important meds down, I’m doing well. I’m going to have to check out those drinkable yogurts — they sound refreshing! : )

          1. Rainy*

            I do the Activia ones because I’ve hit the age where I basically need to be constantly supplying my gut with yogurt, prebiotics, and fiber. Yay. I used to make my own yogurt with a custom blend of bacterial strains (yes I am a nerd thank you) and then make smoothies every morning but my interest in yogurt-making turned out to be a passing one. I’m glad I didn’t buy a lot of custom equipment ;)

            1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

              Wow, making your own yogurt is heroic to me–that’s so cool that you did that!

              1. Rainy*

                It’s so easy!! Buy a lot of milk, heat it up, let it cool to the right temp, add starter, stir, put the lid on, and then let it sit. I always used my dutch oven and wrapped it in a couple of towels and popped it in the oven with the door closed to stay warm. I’ll put a recipe link in my next comment!

    13. Rainy*

      I have ADHD and I can do longer-range planning (like making sure that we have ingredients for the things we make most often, the things we’re likely to want that month based on season, and that sort of thing) but meal-planning is pointless for me because I have a really hard time eating the same thing over and over again. I do that “tastes like dopamine” thing about food pretty hard, unfortunately.

      Dinners are always a challenge for my ADHD spouse and I, but lunches were saved by a set of Amazon dishwasher-safe bentos and buying stuff to make basically lunchables. I always make sure to have sliced cheeses and meats, dried fruit, veggies like carrots, cucumbers, and celery, and applesauce on hand and I just fling some combination of the above into a bento the night before. I’ll add sliced homemade bread, cut pita or tortilla, or crackers if I feel the need.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        OMG, I do the “tastes like dopamine” thing as well!

        1. Rainy*

          I was going through a stressful time at work and eating the M&Ms “classic mix” (plain, peanut, peanut butter ms, all mixed together) regularly, and then last week I came across the end of a bag and poured out a handful. I put some in my mouth and was like “Oh. Not dopamine.” :( It’ll come back around for sure.

          1. Gathering Moss*

            Oh gods, so much this. Because of the pain stuff, too, my stomach is pretty much always unhappy with me; if food isn’t hitting the right dopamine buttons in the moment, it just won’t stay down.

    14. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Also, my cheapo toaster oven that makes you turn a spring-loaded timer for the time you want the oven on is good for forgetful me. Even if I space out, I can’t possibly cook anything for more than half an hour accidentally. If I’m cooking something that takes a longer time, I just set it for another half hour after it dings.

    15. Middle Aged Lady*

      Putting freezer tape on what we cooked with s use by date helps a lot at our house. Hubs tends to forget when he made something. I second the snacks idea. Hummous, prepped carrot sticks, and so on. We ate a lot of bagged salads when we first got started. If people like them, frozen veggies like peas are a good choice or frozen fruit for smoothies because you don’t find the occasional moldy strawberry or rotten zucchini in the crisper.
      We have started putting the older produce in the right hand drawer befiore shopoimg and the new stuff goes in the left.
      Sturdy produce like carrots or cabbage that lasts a while innthe fridge is a must for us. And good old canned beans. Quick easy and cheap!
      The Our Groceries app helps us share a list so we can both add/take off items.

    16. Mrs Columbo*

      That is so hard! And different strategies have worked at different times in my life. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not perfect at it!

      There was a time in my life where stocking up on healthier frozen dinners was the best I could do on the meal planning. If you catch the sales, that’s still cheaper than eating out, even if it takes 2 to fill you up. And if you read the labels, you really can eat reasonably healthily that way.

      About a decade ago, my strategy was to plan and to cook, but to not be rigid about it. I’d plan a week at a time and write out something like “2 beef meals, 1 fish, 1 mac n cheese, 2 chicken, 1 eat out.” I’d buy what was on sale that week, and do whatever from that list I most felt like doing that night. (I’d try to think it out enough that the easier meals were on busier nights.)

      Right now, spouse-type is the main meal planner, as they get off work earlier. It’s my job on weekends. We buy food in bulk, and we usually decide what we’re cooking by what’s already in the freezer/cupboard, instead of planning menus and then buying. Friday night is always order out night, and there are usually leftovers from that to munch on on Saturday.

      I’m in charge of weekday breakfast, as spouse-type is already at work, and I have trouble with mornings! So during the week, breakfast is something that offspring-type and I can eat in the car on the way to drop them at camp/school. Usually it’s the same thing most days, and is easy to fix: we don’t mind, and it cuts some of the decision-fatigue. Sometimes we mix it up with enough healthy snacks to make a meal.

      My weekday lunches are leftovers from the night before. Again, less decision fatigue. Sometimes I repurpose them, but often I don’t. There’s one particular size storage container–of which we currently have 3–that fits my lunchbag nicely and also will fill me up if it’s near-full. So it gets filled with the leftovers. (On my super-organized nights, it even gets filled and put in the fridge the night before!) I throw in handsful of snacks, and an empty water bottle to fill up at the breakroom cooler, and take my full coffee tumbler for the commute.

      And I second (thirdfourthfifth?) the idea of keeping healthy snacks around! For me “healthy” = packaged protein. At That Weekday Place, hunger time doesn’t always match lunchtime, so a beef jerky stick, protein bar, or nut bar in the pocket is a sanity saver. Having those snacks, plus some hummus and veggies at home, mean I can point the offspring toward something healthy with minimal effort involved.

      Allow room in the planning to give yourself some grace, and to switch it up if what you try at first is too hard. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough!

    17. Granger Chase*

      For breakfast, I stick with things that are easy to make in the morning that don’t require any prep ahead of time (instant oatmeal, protein bars, rice cakes with peanut butter, fruit and yogurt, etc.). I’m much more likely to eat breakfast if I know I don’t have to make it the night before.

      For lunches, I tend to get a rotisserie chicken from Costco or Sam’s Club for ~$5 once a week. I shred it when I bring it home, and mix it up with either a seasoning blend or marinade. I switch the flavorings up every week so there it tastes like there’s more variety to what I’m eating. I keep portions for the first couple days in the fridge and then freeze the rest in individual portions. Some things I use it for: salad, burrito bowl, mashed potato bowl, stir fry, with sweet potatoes & green beans, etc.

    18. mreasy*

      It has taken me years to really get my head around the amount of food I need to a) buy at the store and b) prep on the weekend to get through the week. I make a list of meals, then outline each component that will need cooking over the weekend, and make sure to estimate quantity in my shopping list. Then I stick to the list religiously when I shop. It’s definitely not perfect, but it works well for me & my wandering brain!

    19. noncommittal pseudonym*

      I use an app that I found kinda randomly called Meal Prep Pro. I believe it’s out of the UK? Anyway, it has about 700 recipes, all of which are pretty simple and healthy, and you can tell it what days and meals you want to prep, and it will generate menus and shopping lists for you.

      I’m reasonably pleased with it. The recipes vary in quality – some are quite good, others not so much. But, overall, I find it helpful in meal planning.

    20. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Capitalize on it when you’re actually in the mood to cook by prepping a second dinner. The whole doing a week’s worth of dinners in an afternoon is way too rigid and set in stone; chopping up some extra chicken or veggies when you’re already in a cooking groove is no big deal.

      Sheet pan dinners. Meat, veggies, random spices, shove in oven. Munch.

      Smoothies. Put some fruit and protein powder in the blender when your bladder forces you out of hyperfocus, pour in cup, return to current obsession.

      Alarms for everything. No reminder is too stupid if it helps.

  5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    A mysterious benefactor informs you that you now have $200/month for the next two years to do something nice for yourself or someone in your home. You cannot use the money to pay bills or save or toward necessities like rent or your normal groceries – it must be a splurge in some way. This monthly allotment is use it or lose it, and the intention is to spend it more or less the same way every month rather than to pick something new every month. What do you pick?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I would do one day weekly at the doggy daycare for my younger dog, which is a treat for everyone in my house, plus alternate monthly between a pedicure and a professional shampoo and blowout for myself.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that doggy daycare is a blessing for everybody. When I’m truly treating myself, I book him in for a night – it is amazeballs to be able to sleep in and have a leisurely weekend morning that actually feels like a day off, instead of being insistently nudged to follow the normal routine (and practically dragged out the door for as-early-as-he-can-get-it walkies). And I can stay out late, late, late the night before!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It’s wonderful. Elder dog gets to chill without anybody hopefully wagging a tug at her. Husband doesn’t get asked to keep an eye on the woofapotamus while I run errands. I can run ALL THE ERRANDS. And when she comes home, she is plumb tuckered out from rampaging all day with today’s group of best friends and will almost manage to eat her whole supper before she practically passes out with her nose in the kibble and sleeps pretty much through to the next morning.

    2. anon24*

      Would therapy count? If I had “splurge” money that had to be used the same way, I’d pay for my husband to go to therapy because he really wants to but even with insurance is afraid we just can’t make it work in our very tight budget (but make enough that we don’t qualify for assistance). Any remaining money I’d want to put towards a monthly resupply of self care items – bath bombs, bath soaks, lotions, etc that we could both use.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mysterious benefactor says yes, that absolutely counts, and if he needs to try different therapists to find one that is a good fit that is also within the rules.

        1. Alex*

          I think she’s actually talking copays. If you have a $25 copay that can still be a lot for someone’s budget, if you go 4 times a month.

          1. anon24*

            Yeah, copay is like $40 and insurance only covers 10 or 12 visits a year. When some weeks we’re living off of rice and beans or ramen, a regular $40 copay on tip of our other expenses seems overwhelming. I told him we could sacrifice and make it work, but so far he’s unwilling and I don’t blame him. It’s also hard because we’ve gone from a 2 income household to a 1 income household while I’m back in school, both parties are in agreement that this is what’s best right now, but it’s a difficult and stressful adjustment.

            1. Mrs Columbo*

              My heart goes out to you both! There was a time in my life when I really needed therapy, but could not afford the $17 copay at the charity clinic. I muddled through on inexpensive meds, free/low-cost hobbies, and showing up for the parts of life that were absolutely necessary. Not ideal, but we survived.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Massage would be my go-to also. But where I live that amount would cover only one session a month.

        1. ThatGirl*

          I pay $70 a month plus tip for a 1 hr massage at a chain, but yeah, a 90 minute & hot stone would eat most of it up.

        2. Random Bystander*

          Yeah, I’m lucky–there’s a place here that does 90 minutes for $100 and add-ons like hot stones can be used without an additional charge.

          If it was a little more ($250), I’d totally go for a facial as one of the events, but that’s $120. I treat myself to the facial once every three months as a celebration of surviving cancer.

      2. Blomma*

        I get a massage every other week (for pain management). $200 a month would mean I could get a massage every week and I’d totally do that for my health and well-being!

    4. Sloanicota*

      Housecleaner housecleaner housecleaner! It seems incredibly indulgent because I live alone so I should really be able to clean up after myself, but I would loooooove to have someone come every other week, if only to make me actually pick up.

      1. Anonono*

        Yes!
        We have someone come every other week and it’s exactly so the whole family helps to clean up in preparation.

      3. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        That was my veeeery first thought! I dream of having the room in my budget for a cleaning service.

      5. Llellayena*

        This would be my choice! I’m trying to convince my BF into it because neither of us like to clean. He’s worried about stealing though…(and other “let a stranger into your house” issues)

      6. tiredlibrarian*

        SO WORTH IT. It’s just me and my husband but we have cleaners come once a month and 1. it absolutely forces us to pick up after ourselves (even if it’s the frantic night-before pick up :) ) and 2. with us both working we don’t have to spend our limited free time doing chores we hate. Absolutely one of the best decisions we ever made.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I am starting a once-a-month cleaner!! I’m sooo excited – I spend all my cleaning energy just trying to pick up and keep the kitchen liveable, and I’m just never getting to the deep-cleaning; and who wants to spend a beautiful Saturday (they are all beautiful in their own way) doing that? But in the scenario described, I’d have someone *every week.* True luxury!

    5. There You Are*

      Lawncare / landscaping services.

      If I could pay someone else to [repeatedly] dig up the bamboo that creeps into my yard from my neighbor’s yard, prune trees, pull weeds, trim shrubs, cut back vines, keep certain areas mulched, and maaaaaybe plant — and tend to — some flowering plants, I could relax and a read a book out in my yard instead of it being my Sat-Sun full-time job.

      Heck, I might actually be able to leave my property and do something fun once in awhile.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        About the bamboo– in some US states, your neighbors would be legally liable to pay for it to be removed from your property and to repair any structure it damaged. That’s a thread of its own, but I wanted to mention it so you could check your local laws.

      2. Anthology*

        Also my choice. Choking on a cloud of dust while sweating profusely, baking in the heat, and fighting a mower on steep hills is my idea of hell.

      3. WorkNowPaintLater*

        This this this

        We have a lot a property, just had some work that destroyed our front yard, and have been gone a lot due to caretaking issues. If I could just have someone come by once a month and trim the bushes and trees it would help a lot.

      1. Inkhorn*

        That was my first thought, then I realised I’d need the time to actually *use* $200 worth of craft supplies each month.

        Second thought was to split it between books and shoes and top-quality dark chocolate.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I figure I can count things like storage and furniture, and most craft supplies won’t “spoil” so I can stock up for when the money runs out lol. Also my kids go through SO much paint. But someone after me suggested a hotel room and now I want that. I can bring the craft supplies I already have with me!

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Classes/workshops – I just signed up for one that the supply list is a whole page.

        Though the suggestions for cleaners sound good, too. More time to craft!

    8. Penelope*

      I’m guessing that pre-paying for a fabulous trip at $200/month is out of the question, so I’m going to say I’d go for a personal trainer/gym membership. And maybe a sitter so I actually have the time to go!

    9. Aphrodite*

      I’d hire either a personal cook to make me dinner. The older I get the less appealing any cooking (other than my adored breakfast) has for me.

      1. WellRed*

        A personal cook is on my if I won the lottery bucket list. They can do the grocery shopping too!

      2. anon24*

        That is such a smart choice. No one ever told me one of the hardest things about being an adult is endlessly having to feed myself!

    10. WellRed*

      I’ve been quite enjoying having some newer friends that like to go out for good food and cocktails so would use it for that and worrying less about my budget. I’m 53. Friends of a similar age who can enjoy this regularly are harder to come by these days.

    11. Flames on the Side of My Face*

      A hotel reservation. Not for shenanigans, but to have a place to be the master of my own time for one glorious, husband- and kid-free evening and morning a month.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I have a large-ish place to myself. That includes a 2nd bedroom, bathroom, office, and living room. A second one of everything! I’ve told all my mom friends they are welcome to come here anytime and I will give them complete silence and pretend they aren’t even here if that’s what they want. No one ever takes me up on it.

    12. oy. vey.*

      half on books, half on fancy cheese. Might be every-other-month. Some of the books I want are >$100.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Hmmm, that’s tough! Because my first impulses were “first class ticket to visit my mom and sister in September” or “upgrading to a larger apartment.”

      Let’s see…I guess I’d try a more elaborate beauty routine? The kind you pay for, with mani/pedis and hair coloring? Maybe hire a personal shopping consultant? My “style” is “basic is too fancy” and I haven’t really changed anything in a while. Maybe upgrade my jewelry to nicer stuff as well? New undies/bras on a regular basis?

    18. Not A Manager*

      My small apartment costs $100 to clean, and my massage therapist charges $100/hr. Done, and done!

    19. MEH Squared*

      DoorDash. I already spend too much on delivery and am trying to cut back, so this would make it guilt-free.

    20. Lemonwhirl*

      A monthly day trip to London or Edinburgh (both short direct flights from where I live) to see museums, plays, etc. I love living in rural Ireland, but it’s nice to experience a big city once in a while. And Ryanair flights make “international” day trips really doable, and arguably less hassle than going up to Dublin.

    21. Soap*

      I absolutely detest washing my hair. It’s not super long, but there’s a lot of it. I’d pay for weekly wash and drys at a salon. Even if I have to chip in a bit extra for tip, it’d be so worth it. I’ve told my partner this is top #1 priority should we ever win the lotto.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yeah, I have waist length thick hair. If the budget were higher or if I was limited to a treat for ONLY me, I’d be doing weekly shampoo/blowout. It was a hard decision :)

    22. Taking the long way round*

      A back massage, reflexology, and a new indie eyeshadow palette.
      Chef’s kiss.

    23. chocolate muffins*

      Babysitting + date activity with my husband. Does it have to be the same date activity each time? If so, I vote for massages. Otherwise other options would be going out to dinner, going for a hike (which is what we often do anyway and is free, but we could get sandwiches and pay for gas or something, and hike longer/pay more for babysitting), going to see a play/comedy show which would be more than $200 so we could add, etc.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mysterious benefactor says “a date with my husband” is an acceptable loophole to the “same thing every month” requirement :)

        2. Pamela Adams*

          Red Reader,

          Did this mysterious benefactor happen to win the $1 billion Powerball earlier this week?

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Either that or they tripped over a genie bottle.

            I’ve been doing a lot of pie-in-the-sky never-gonna-happen-but-what-if this week, between Powerball and MegaMillions and the fact that I’ve known what my three genie wishes would be for the last five years, so I just thought it would be fun to pick one of the scenarios and get other folks’ thoughts too :)

            1. Pamela Adams*

              If it was me, I’d be fulfilling A lot of wishlists. DonorsChoose Kiva- add it all up!

              1. Sloanicota*

                Imagine if someone from AAM won and wanted our input on how to spend it! The most joyful weekend thread :D

    24. sswj*

      Personal chef to make meals for me.

      I’d happily was every dish and pot in the house if someone would just cook for me.

    25. 2023 Got Better*

      Expensive cat toys and furniture. Which will promptly be ignored. because, cat.

    26. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I would hire a cleaning service. Done.

      (I don’t think the service exists that I really want— someone willing to let me declutter & organize while they clean. Bonus if they are willing to tell me what needs my attention the most, so ADHD me doesn’t get sidetracked.)

    27. Buni*

      Apparently that’s £155, so…just a splurge day? A fancier-than-normal meal and the theatre or an exhibition – slightly bending the ‘same thing’ rules but I live in central London so I wouldn’t run out of things to see.

    28. KatCardigans*

      Earlier on, I’d buy multiple pairs of jeans and bras to find the ones that are best for me—the advice is always to try a whole bunch and send the rest back, but I don’t always have extra pot of money lying around to buy a whole bunch in the first place. That would take a few months.

      After that, probably weekly classes for my daughter at the kid’s play place plus some upgrades at the grocery store and going out to a movie or dinner with my husband every other week.

    29. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We actually have a landscape service and house cleaner, and if we didn’t those would definitely come first! And they cost about that much or less for service twice a month. So I think I’d use it on Lyft rides. I have trouble bringing myself to pay for those, probably because I grew up in a part of NYC that was both walkable and had a lot of public transportation options. (For those who don’t know NYC, there are actually plenty of residential neighborhoods where public transportation is a very long or not feasible walk away.) Our current neighborhood is somewhat walkable, but the weather and time can be a barrier to going out, and I prefer not to drive if I’m going to have even one drink (*maybe* one if I’m also having a meal and have at least a couple of hours).

      I would also use the rides to get to and from the Metro station, so I’d go into DC more.

    30. Falling Diphthong*

      Option 1: More massage visits. These work to get my messed up muscles working with me rather than against me.

      Option 2: A nice meal out. For a long time I was too run down at night to find these particularly appealing, and am trying to get back to that.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Our house is about 2000 sq ft, and 4 BR 3 BA but she only cleans 2 BR (& 3 BA; 1 BR is study/storage, the other is our college student’s…their preference), and we pay $110 per visit, but we also proactively offered more during COVID and again when gas prices and inflation shot up, otherwise it would probably be $100 or a little less if we waited for her to ask for more.

        Also, this is in a DC suburb; I’m assuming the price might vary slightly based on the COL.

        tl;dr, 2 visits/month.

    32. Dragonfly7*

      Different food.
      I have celiac disease, and a lot of things I used to eat are significantly more expensive in general or complicated to order safely when dining out. I would spend this money on things I rarely do. Gas to go to and dine out at dedicated gluten-free restaurants in the next city over. Buy bread, especially from my favorite bakery. Some pre-made meals from a local place that safely does bulk meal prep for the week. Fun frozen things even, like cheese bites, more regularly.

    33. Glazed Donut*

      -Flower delivery for fresh flowers/arrangements
      -Landscaping – I currently have someone who mows the yard but that’s pretty much it – I am the weeder and planter and all that. I enjoy feeling accomplished with my yard but it would be nice if someone else could do some weekly weed maintenance
      -Personal chef for a day – I am an ok cook. It would be nice to have a real, full meal in my own home!

    34. Pharmgirl2012*

      Landscaping in the summer and snow removal in the winter (hope that doesn’t count as switching)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Not in my book, because the landscapers I know do snow removal in winter and leaf pickup in the fall. :)

    35. NeutralJanet*

      I’m paying for a personal trainer! I want to work on strength training, but I find free weights incredibly boring and have no idea what else to do for effective strength training. I’ve got the motivation to work out, I do go to the gym four or five times a week, but I don’t know enough about fitness to figure out an effective routine for my little baby noodle arms.

    36. Elle Woods*

      My immediate thought is a gym membership and a massage. Or maybe going to a different higher-end restaurant each month.

    37. office hobbit*

      Practical: house cleaner or yard maintenance

      Splurge: the subscription service at a local ice cream parlor for a pint of all their specialty flavors of the month (this is <$100, so maybe this and one visit from the house cleaner/yard maintainer)

    38. CanadaGoose*

      Hmm, lots of good options!
      My faves are:
      – a fancy gym membership (one I might actually splurge on)
      – Massages would be indulgent
      – babysitters/a regular drop-off activity for my kid so my husband and I get adult time together before 9pm
      – chef-prepared, personalized & delivered meal prep…or maybe outsourcing the meal planning, shopping and delivery but I still cook mostly.

      1. Blue wall*

        Yes mine would be a yoga studio or a personal trainer! I so miss yoga studios— I’ve moved a few times over the past several years and prices in my current location aren’t feasible.

        1. Rainy*

          Same here. I used to live in Vancouver and I belonged to the Y two blocks from my apartment. We had amazing yoga teachers because Van is full of yoga studios and also some really good yoga teacher training programs, and it cost me something like 43CAD per month. Here, I can’t really afford classes–even the basic membership at the Y here is twice that, and there would be maybe two days a week I could actually make it to classes, so I haven’t bothered. I miss it. There’s a really nice yoga studio not too far from me that practices a form I’m really interested in, but a membership is almost 200USD a month, and I just can’t afford it.

    40. Llama face!*

      Hmmm, I think I’d get a cleaning service to come in and do a nice thorough house cleaning once a month. Then if there’s any leftover (pretty sure an in-depth cleaning will be costly), I would have a nice meal delivered.

    41. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If there weren’t the restriction on doing the thing for yourself or someone else in your household, I’d probably pick a library, public radio station, or voting rights organization in a southern or midwestern state and set up a recurring donation because that would give me a big dopamine high (though I guess I’d have to get monthly reminders about the donation to keep the high going).

      If I really had to splurge on myself and I weren’t concerned about covid, I would get as many massages and foot rubs as that money would buy me each month and just bliss out.

    42. Pieforbreakfast*

      A small cheesebox (aka refrigerator) and all.the.cheese.

      Or weekly sessions at the soaking place down the street.

    44. Lemondrops*

      wood and tools to make cool stuff. though lots of tools (and some exotic woods) are much more than that. i’d love a good table saw, drill press, and workbench!

    47. Fellow Traveller*

      For fun- I would choose tickets to a live performance- theatre, opera, concert, dance….though $200 might not be enough for me and my whole family. Maybe I rotate family members. Though then I would have to pay for a sitter….
      For practicality- laundry service. I used to send my laundry out to be washed and folded when I had a super busy week at work and it was so amazing. It was surprisingly inexpensive- I think less than $25 for a week’s worth.

    48. carcinization*

      I’m quite surprised that no-one wants to spend this on tattoos… I mean, $200 isn’t much in that direction but it could either be a collection of little tattoos $200/pop or ongoing work on an epic backpiece and then accompanying sleeves and such… I don’t think that’d count as “saving” if a little was done per month, if something like craft supplies (that could also be for an ongoing project) is okay with the benefactor….

      But I’m not sure if I want that much more ink so I guess I’d actually go with earlier suggestions of a yoga package since my husband and I are wanting to get back into that.

      1. Lurker*

        I just got a tattoo and there was $250 minimum – regardless of how small the tattoo might be. I got a wrap around micro line recently and it ended up costing me ~ $600, including tip; so $200 wouldn’t be enough for monthly tattoos.

        1. carcinization*

          I… also just got a tattoo (in March 2023, and it was my 6th) and there was a smaller minimum than that, so I guess people’s mileage may vary! If I got the smallest tattoos this artist does, I could get multiple monthly tattoos for $200 (her smallest flash tattoos are pick 2 for $150, I just happened to get a larger one this time).

          So, $200 is definitely enough money for monthly tattoos where I live/with the artist I just went to (my other 5 tattoos are from 4 different artists), even with a generous tip, though apparently it is not enough money where you live/with the artist you just went to :)

          I also know plenty of people who have paid regular deposits on large tattoos that required multiple sessions, so that’s the situation I was actually alluding to in my first comment, but since you brought up a different type of situation I thought I’d respond to that comment first.

          Sorry tattoos are so expensive where you live!

    49. allathian*

      I spend about that every month on pedicures, facials, and haircuts. I’d be very happy if I could spend someone else’s money on that instead of my own.

    50. londonedit*

      I’d have a cleaner (I live on my own in a small flat but there are just some things I hate doing and I always put off the dusting) and I’d definitely have a sports massage once a month too.

    51. Victoria Everglot*

      I’d build up a massive library. New books are usually too expensive for me and I don’t like library books (I want to be able to keep them!). Buying used is *wonderful* for older books (I have to stop myself from going absolutely crazy on thriftbooks) but doesn’t put money in a new writer’s pocket, nor does it tell a publisher people are interested. There are also some really obscure books that are so hard to find that copies pop up for like 100 bucks and if I can’t justify 20-25 a pop, I certainly can’t justify that.

    52. Bluebell*

      More regular acupuncture! I usually go every month or so, when some part of me acts up. But it would be a nice luxury to go twice a month.

    53. EngineerMom*

      $60/month for me & spouse at local gym (actual cost that we can’t currently afford).

      $100/month for ballroom lessons for me

      $40/month for my husband’s karaoke habit (same time as ballroom, and his hobby).

      If we each were given $200, then all that plus a huge books & music budget! I would buy 4 books a month (a number I can easily read) and then gift them to my local library when done.

      Anything else would go towards paying entry fees for triathlons & long-distance organized cycling events (typically run $60-$100 per race). I’d love to do more events than the one or two per year we can afford!

    54. Quinalla*

      That would get me a couple floats at the float spa, I’d probably do that! Right now, I usually go once a year on my birthday, but being able to go a couple times a month would be great.

      Any remaining I’d buy books :)

    55. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Classes in something I’ve always wanted to try, like a martial art or jewelry making or first aid or llama grooming. If it was $200 of someone else’s money, I could justify the risk of trying something that might not stick.

  6. Are We the @ssholes?*

    I have been contemplating this incident all week, and want the group’s opinion. Tuesday nights my friendgroup goes to a board game bar to play Settlers. It’s a slow night generally, so we take a big table and get pitchers. Over the past year, I’ve noticed the board game bar becoming more of a parent space; I’ve heard bartenders complain they get one beer per table and lose their kids while sitting around chatting. Like it’s a kid birthday spot now – to be clear, there are no child games and it is a bar (no food but there’s a pizza place next door you can carry in). So last Tuesday a dad was walking his toddler around and the kid wanted to go in the back room, which he couldn’t, so the dad parked him in the door way and stood over him while the kid was wailing. The doorway was right next to our table, where six of us were (casually, to be clear) playing and chatting. After about three minutes of wails, my friend kind of rudely, in my opinion, asked the dad to take the kid away. The dad was pretty put out and snarky about it, but did take the kid outside and we had a nice night. Still, it was clearly a negative interaction. I know parents have it tough and also tend to tune out little kid noise over time and the dad probably never considered it was disruptive, and my friend could have phrased his request in a nicer or more sympathetic way. My friend said the guy was being a jerk letting the kid scream so he doesn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel great but I didn’t say anything, and I’m still thinking about it. Who was more wrong? What would be a kinder way to address the disruption?

    1. There You Are*

      I get that parents want to enjoy a craft beer somewhere besides their own home, but an adult space — like a bar — isn’t the place to do it.

      We have the same setup in my neighborhood that you’re describing. Pizza place [though an upscale one clearly designed for adults, not children] next to a beer-only pub. The pizza place used to have a fire-and-water fountain but had to drain it and fill it with dirt and succulents because the entitled parents let their toddlers swim in the fountain and the diapers clogged the filtration system one too many times for the owner to keep paying to repair it. (I think he filled the fountain after he’d paid over $15K out of pocket).

      Then the entitled parents sipped their craft beers while watching their children rip the succulents out of the dirt and throw them across the patio, causing the owner to spend even more money replacing the plants and cleaning up after the children.

      When the owner asked parents to please, for the love of all the gods, keep their children from destroying his property, a surprising number of parents threatened to sue him.

      Children will be screaming toddlers for a brief while. Parents can take them to kid-friendly places until they’re old enough to not scream-wail continuously in public.

      I wasn’t there and I don’t know what your friend said, but he absolutely did the right thing in asking the parent to take their too-young-to-be-in-an-adult-space child outside.

      1. Sloanicota*

        It’s soooo hard right now to know what are adult-only spaces versus family-friendly spaces; there’s a lot more patios than there used to be (I see the exact same issue with dogs!). My local brewery is a kindergarten these days. But I’m also sympathetic, as I recognize there is a lack of actually family-friendly places that adults can also enjoy, particularly that are as free or low cost as a brewery.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Children will be screaming toddlers for a brief while. Parents can take them to kid-friendly places until they’re old enough to not scream-wail continuously in public.

        I mean, yeah…kids don’t naturally know how to behave in public. They need to be taught, and the best way to do that is to take them to age-appropriate places when they’re small and build those skills. But you have to pay attention and be ready to step in when they’re overwhelmed.

        If your kids don’t learn basic manners, no one will want them around even when they’re older.

      3. Festively Dressed Earl*

        Oh, please do sue. The countersuits would be things of beauty – pay for the damages and the legal fees of the person whose property you’re abusing. People shouldn’t confuse “family friendly” with “free babysitting from bystanders.” If parents are actively engaged with their kids while in public spaces, helping them learn what’s acceptable and what’s not, then I have sympathy. Kids who are tearing up the place because their parents never learned how to behave either? Totally different story.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I mean, it’s always better to start politely, but it’s super annoying when people don’t make any attempt to have their kids behave in public (it’s not always going to work, and that’s okay! A screaming toddler with a parent trying to shush/remove them is significantly less annoying than one left unattended). There’s a reason places like Red Robin exist.

      1. There You Are*

        Once upon a time, my ex and I were both sick with a cold at the same time. Neither of us had the will to cook anything, despite not running a fever, so we went to a local restaurant that has great pasole. Hot, spicy soup is perfect for clearing the sinuses and lungs.

        We specifically went right as they opened (10:00 AM) to avoid any crowds. We had the place all to ourselves and chose a corner away from any potential patrons but within line of sight of the waitstaff counter, so they could easily see if we needed anything without having to walk all the way over. We were going out of our way to be thoughtful.

        And then in walked the Wednesday Mom’s Group, along with over a dozen already screaming toddlers and babies.

        Fine. It’s a free world and it was a big restaurant. We picked up our glasses and silverware (the soup hadn’t been brought out yet), and relocated to the bar area because of the huge sign that said, “NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN BAR AREA.”

        So, of course, one of the moms brought her darling Greydun into the bar so he could run up and down the ramp leading to the bathrooms on the upper level, shrieking at the top of his lungs all the way up and all the way down and all the way up and all the way down and all….

        I got up, went over to the mom, and said, “We moved from the room all of you were in because we have headaches and don’t want to be in the same area as loud children.” She stiffened and started to tell me that her child could go anywhere he cared to, and I cut her off and pointed to the sign she was practically standing under. She huffed, and muttered something about “baby haters” as she walked past us with her kid in tow.

        FTR, I have never once had a parent be contrite or apologetic when I’ve either asked them to take their child elsewhere until they calm down, or asked the kids themselves to dial it down (if old enough). And I have always approached both the adults and the kids with an attitude of concern and understanding.

    3. The Shenanigans*

      Without knowing what your friend said exactly I can’t say of he was more or even if he was rude at all. I take it that his phrasing or tone made you uncomfortable which is totally valid. But I agree that the parent was way more rude in having a kid in a space where kids have zero business being. Honestly the owners should be turning parents with kids out of the door as soon as they walk in. If they aren’t willing to do that now, consistent complaints from adult regulars might change their mind.

      1. Are We the @ssholes?*

        It was literally something like “hey buddy, any chance you can take the crying kid further away from us? We’re trying to play here.” Which I thought was a unnecessarily blunt … but TBH I wouldn’t have said anything, just sat there trying to figure out why I was increasingly on edge as the poor kid did that wailing-not-actual-crying thing they do at that age. And the guy definitely wasn’t going to do anything, as he was looking at his phone and it had been several minutes so I get why my friend was irked. It’s possible if my friend had been nicer it wouldn’t have worked. I guess in some perfect world I would have like, gone over to show the kid something distracting, or something helpful like that.

        1. Flames on the Side of My Face*

          Parent here, and I think your friend’s phrasing and overall request was entirely reasonable in this context.

        2. Double A*

          Ignoring/waiting out a tantrum is a totally valid strategy because there are many kids that will be escalated by any interaction, you just need to let it blow over until they’re calm enough. However, you need to move the kid to as minimally disruptive a place as possible or leave which this Dad didn’t do. I think what your friend said sounds fine, maybe 10% too brusque but with the margin of error.

          And I have tantrum age kids, so I’ve got a dog in this fight.

        3. Snoozing not schmoozing*

          Your friend was a lot nicer than I’d have been – and much nicer than I’d have thought from your original description.
          It’s not like he said, “Hey, jerkface, get that screaming turd out of here!” He was direct but polite.

        4. Sc@rlettNZ*

          That isn’t rude at all, or unnecessarily blunt. Nothing grinds my gears more than screaming kids whose parents just ignore the wailing. You may have gone deaf mate but the rest of us haven’t.

          If I was the owner I wouldn’t put up with people (who aren’t spending much) and their screaming offspring driving away my other regular customers.

          1. constant_craving*

            While parents should certainly take steps to minimize the impact to others, ignoring the wailing is the best choice if a parent wants their child to tantrum less in the future. Giving the tantrum attention, even just by telling the kid to quiet down, increases the likelihood the child will tantrum again in the future.

            1. Cheshire Cat*

              Yes, but you do this at home. When you’re in a public space you need to get the child to be quiet, or remove them from the space.

              I did this with my children when they were at the tantrum age, and the difference in treatment (public v. private) didn’t prolong the phase.

            2. Observer*

              While parents should certainly take steps to minimize the impact to others, ignoring the wailing is the best choice if a parent wants their child to tantrum less in the future.

              Nope. For one thing, context matters. For another, there are often choices other than “ignore” or “tell the kid to calm down” which I agree rarely works. One of the choices when in public is to simply take the kid out of the situation. In fact, when in public this is actually a better choice most of the time, not just because of the impact on others, but it’s more effective than just ignoring. It doesn’t directly feed the tantrum, it changes the environment, and it (often) imposes a consequence in a direct but non-harmful and non-harsh manner.

        5. Amey*

          I’m a parent of fairly young children and know that it is not possible to just force a young child to stop crying. I still think your friend was in the right, and I don’t think his words were rude at all. Ideally, he would have said it in a matter of fact tone, which it sounds like he might not have, but the dad should have taken his child out. This isn’t a good place to take your children, mainly because it’s likely to be very boring for them! I don’t think it’s very reasonable for parents to expect that their kids will be able to behave in that environment – and if they think realistically they won’t be able to behave, they shouldn’t put them in that situation until they’re older. Sometimes you’re caught out, and sometimes you just have to manage in an exceptional situation like a big family event, but I think these are exceptions. Just my opinion though!

        6. Cat's Paw for Cats*

          I don’t his wording was rude at all and dad was absolutely being a jerk.

        7. KatCardigans*

          As the parent of a toddler, I think that’s fine. I might be a little put out in the moment because it’s pretty embarrassing to be called out for not having a great parenting moment, but it’s definitely fair.

          It’s very sweet when strangers jump in to distract a crying toddler but it’s also 100% not their job to be that kind of helpful. I do think it is their job to politely ignore minor things that the parent is trying to control.

        8. Rainy*

          I wouldn’t consider that rude, especially because someone who’s just parking their screaming toddler next to your table is absolutely not going to do anything if you say it more politely. You’re going to get to blunt anyway, might as well start there.

        9. Middle Aged Lady*

          Not rude at all. You don’t park a kid in a doorway and hope they don’t cry.
          Adult spaces are for adults and kid spaces are for kids. The in-between places are Family-friendly places are where kids learn to behave so they can eventually come to adult places. Leaving a little one unattended in a bar or restaurant to roam freely is not just rude, it’s also not safe.

        10. WishIWasATimeTraveller*

          That sounds pretty reasonable to me, I’m not sure the request could have been softened much further. 3 minutes of toddler tantrum in a booze-only bar? The dad was a jerk to his kid, the establishment and the patrons.

        11. Observer*

          It was literally something like “hey buddy, any chance you can take the crying kid further away from us? We’re trying to play here.”

          OK, I take back the first part of my original answer. Sure, he could have been more sympathetic. But what he said was perfectly OK.

          It sounds like you are really bothered that he said *anything*. And I would ask you why? The person who was unequivocally out of line here was the Dad.

          Also, “in some perfect world I would have like, gone over to show the kid something distracting, or something helpful like that’ has me going “nooooooooo” It’s unreasonable to expect anyone other than the parent to do so to start with (outside of a situation where the parent is clearly doing their best and needs a hand.) But also, smart parents are really not interested in strangers coming over to their kids and trying to engage with the kids like that. Of course, this dad was not being so smart and responsible. But please realize that it still does not make it a good idea.

          I get it – you are thinking that doing so would be helpful. But it would probably not be helpful. On top of which, Dad would probably not have responded well anyway. At least this way he snarked but then took the kid away which was the best outcome for everyone.

    4. Cheezmouser*

      Mom of two small children here. Your friend was fine. The dad should’ve understood that a wailing child needs to be removed until the child calms down and is no longer disruptive to other patrons. Yes, small children will act up in public spaces, and as a parent you can’t always control them. But you can remove them from the space until they behave appropriately again. If a stranger had to speak up with me about my children, I would’ve been mortified, apologized, and immediately taken my child outside until they were ready to return.

      1. Cat's Paw for Cats*

        “Yes, small children will act up in public spaces, and as a parent you can’t always control them. But you can remove them from the space until they behave appropriately again.”

        Well said.

      2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        My kids are long grown. However, I still remember one rainy night over 30 years ago. We were at the local deli, having dinner with my in-laws. My daughter started crying and would not stop. I missed dinner because I took her outside under the awning, so she would not disturb the other patrons.

        Was it inconvenient for me? Yes. Was it necessary? Yes. Would I do it again (were she that age again)? yes.

        If you’re a parent, you have the responsibility to make sure your children do not disrupt other patrons of wherever the heck you are.

    5. Maggie*

      Your friend should have asked nicer, but if you have screaming kids in a bar that’s a bar ONLY with no food and nothing geared towards kids, then I think that person is sort of “more” in the wrong. In my area, if a bar is only a bar, no food, it has a different type of license and is required to card everyone and it’s automatically a 21+ establishment. So I just think it’s generally really strange when people bring kids to a bar that’s not also something else. But the other side of me says we’re all people, kids brains don’t know how to process things, and they are going to scream. It’s a fact of life that has to be accepted. I would probably find a new bar that cards at the door to host the game night at. Maybe there is a chill place that wouldn’t mind people bringing their own games. I also wonder like… is being at a bar chasing an understandably bored toddler actually fun?

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Yes, in my area, if a bar does not serve food, it’s the automatic 21+.
        And many alcohol – forward places that do serve food, only allow people under 18 until 9pm.

    6. Not A Manager*

      As someone who once reared several whiny toddlers, I think your friend was completely in the right. No need to modulate the tone at all.

    7. CityMouse*

      I’m a parent. Taking a toddler out to a bar at night is a bad idea because toddlers thrive on schedules and usually need to sleep at like 8 at the latest. So no wonder this kid was crying, they were almost certainly overtired. You also definitely can’t just let your kid wail in a space, you have to take them out or calm them down.

      I took my kid all sorts of places when he was a toddler (mostly outside because of COVID), but I never would have taken him out this late (eithout a really, really good reason) or allowed him to wail like that. This guy wasn’t just being bad to you, he was being bad to his kid.

    8. Lemonwhirl*

      Sometimes kids have to express their big feelings, but the place for that is outside. Three minutes is a long time for bystanders to listen to a kid wail. Would it have been better if your friend said something more polite after a minute instead of letting his annoyance build up and spill over? Sure. But ultimately, it’s on the dad for choosing to let his kid wail in situ rather than carry him out.

      I’m in rural Ireland where people are way more chill about kids being out in public, especially in pubs. But part of that is that parents are aware that their kids and the noise they made can affect other people. (Not to say that it’s perfect here, but the expectations are different. Beyond a certain level of noise or shenanigans, most parents will take their kids outside. As a patron with an older kid, I can reasonably be sure that a kid isn’t going to wail for many minutes.)

    9. Zzzzzz*

      Jeeeez! The kid was miserable, clearly “telling” his dad in the way only a toddler can express their extreme distress, and the father was completely ignoring it in the hopes of getting in his own “me time”–at the expense of both his own child and the bar patrons. Not sure what the friend said, but dad was WRONG on so many levels.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes, I think the real problem here is that dad was on his phone instead of paying attention to his kid. My parents did take me to moderately nice restaurants from the time I was an infant, but they paid attention to me while I was there, and I was the only kid, so they could double-team me. I was pretty well behaved. While I had my occasional bratty moments, they would NOT have been okay with my screaming or destroying anything.

    10. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Agree with most of the above, your friend could have been a touch more kind and understanding about the request, but it was still warranted. Our spawn was surprisingly well-behaved, but I did have to haul them outside once when they were starting to get to the point of disturbing other tables near us and they ignored repeated warnings. My spouse had our untouched meal boxed up, and I calmly waited outside on the sidewalk with the kid. It happens. Toddlers get very hungry and/or tired very quickly, and they won’t have the facility to communicate it or even necessarily know why they’re cranky.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      This stuff makes me think of Captain Awkward’s return the awkward to sender–someone is trying to take advantage of the social norm that asking them to stop will Be Awkward. There is no smooth approach here.

      Also feel I should note for the record that kids acting like frustrated toddlers (because they are!) in a space meant for adults has been going on for generations. I think it’s more of an issue in the US than other places, but you just have to hope that any given group of annoying people do not settle on your favorite hangout as their new spot, and tell others in their demographic to come by.

    12. Come On Eileen*

      I would say “everybody sucks here” because you described both parties — your friend and the dad — being rude in the interaction. It’s perfectly fine to ask another patron to deal with their wailing child. Parents who bring small kids to bars should know it’s going to be a challenge and it’s not the smartest decision on their part. The fact that one asked rudely and the other responded rudely is where things go off the rails. A kinder way would be to ask kindly “hey, any chance you could take your kid outside until he calms down?”

    13. RagingADHD*

      Dad wasn’t doing a good job, because that’s not how you handle a toddler meltdown in a public place. However, I’m loath to say he was being “a jerk” because IDK how exhausted or overwhelmed he might be. He could have been in Zombie Mode. There can be times when you are trying really hard to get out of the house and participate in life so you don’t lose your mind, but you’re still not really thinking straight.

      So he was in the wrong, but I have some empathy. Being wrong doesn’t always mean you’re being a jerk.

      Your friend was not wrong to want / ask the dad to move, and I understand his irritation. I think he could have been a little softer about his wording, just as a matter of general courtesy to strangers in public. Civility is a 2-way street, and one person being out of bounds isn’t a good reason to be harsh or aggressive.

      There are a lot if ways to say, “Hey buddy…” Some of them are neutral, and some if them are quite aggressive. Your description makes it sound like your friend was more aggressive than the situation warranted. It’s not as if you already asked once and he refused.

      He was not wrong, but it was overkill.

    14. Anon from Here*

      I’m a parent, and I hate it when people bring kids into bars. Bars are adult environments where adults go to have a safe space for consuming adult beverages and holding adult conversations. I’ll differentiate a bar from a venue that deliberately welcomes families, particularly before 6:00 p.m. or so. But a bar is for grown-ups. Kids shouldn’t be exposed to adults getting drunk in a bar, and adults should be able to have a space where they don’t feel that they need to moderate their conversation because there are kids around.

      The only time I ever brought my kid into my local bar was when a group I was a member of scheduled a meeting and my childcare fell through (kiddo was about 16). I came in to say hi and see if they needed me to answer any quick questions, and we left after about three minutes. Since it was my local, the bartender and a couple of regulars were happy to meet my kid, but it was a little weird — the regulars generally didn’t like it, either, when random parents would bring kids in — and I’m glad I was never in that position again.

    15. Rainy*

      I think your friend was fine given the spot. If you’d been playing a boardgame at Chuck E. Cheese or a McDonald’s with a Playplace and were being rude about shrieking children, that would be a different matter. But it’s a *bar*.

      An example: if I go to an 11am show of the Barbie movie (or an animated film, etc), I expect there to be children. I will have my seat kicked, there will be a lot of shrieking, and I will spend the whole time hoping no one pulls my hair, but I am going to a daytime showing of a child-friendly film and that is what I signed up for. If I go to a 10pm showing of a zombie film and some asshat brings her toddler and spends the whole time whisper-screaming horrible things at the child who is crying and terrified, I will say to her one time “That child should be at home in bed, not watching a zombie pull someone’s intestines out of their abdomen with its teeth, and if you do not take her out of the theatre this second, I am going to go get a manager and have you ejected” and then I will do the thing I promised.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I have seen so many people taking kids to wildly age-inappropriate movies and just flat out ignore their terrified meltdown. Not only is the movie being ruined for everyone in the theater, that poor kid is being traumatized and their parent is the cause of it!

        1. Sloanicota*

          Oh man you just reminded me of going to see an afternoon matinee of “Birds of Prey” and a woman came in with three little kids, maybe 3, 5, and 7. That movie is waay too violent for those age groups! I couldn’t enjoy any of it because I kept thinking how it must be screwing with them.

    16. Mild Accountant*

      I feel like it’s on the borderline of NTA/soft ESH, to use the AITA argot. Disclaimer: I don’t have kids myself, but I kind of enjoy having kids around much of the time.

      As for your friend’s actions: You don’t specify what he said in your OP, but he’s not a jerk (to use the AAM-appropriate version) if he was just very direct. In fact, that’s probably a kindness – sometimes the kindest response isn’t always the nicest one (and that’s something I’m trying to learn for myself). But if your friend was offensive towards Dad (or worse, the kid), or if he was even just vulgar, that’s uncalled for in this case. Dad was letting his kid have a tantrum in a Very Not Child-Appropriate Area, and even though that’s bad, I feel like the bar for being offensive towards someone is super high. (And I’m going to leave that ambiguous.)

      (Also as someone who accidentally gave his unfiltered thoughts about a situation in front of his friend’s 8-year-old last week: you don’t need to use four-letter words in front of kids. Even if they’ve probably heard them before. Look, I believe in educating The Children, but I am not talking about that type of education.)

      But Dad was definitely a jerk in bringing a Child to a VNCAA. (So are the other parents, for that matter.) Your friend is right, although not in the way I think he means – Dad was a jerk to his kid for taking said kid (a toddler, no less) to a bar and letting them have a tantrum. (Y’all were just collateral damage.)

      So, tl;dr: I can’t say INFO (okay, I can because I am nothing if not messy, but it’s against the rules here), but it’s either NTA or ESH. Short of directly insulting Dad or the toddler (or using…*ahem* age-inappropriate language around the toddler), your friend acted reasonably – he addressed the situation, and while Dad was embarrassed, it was resolved. Dad forfeited the right to his dignity by bringing a freaking TODDLER to A BAR. Even a bar that has board games (because I believe that no amount of Candyland can ever cancel out IPAs on tap, and this sounds like a Ticket to Ride joint).

        1. Rainy*

          It’s mostly reddit verbiage from a specific subreddit. NTA= not the asshole. ESH= everyone sucks here. AITA= am I the asshole. INFO= need more information; can’t give a judgement.

          VNCAA is not a standard acronym, they define it the first time they use it: Very Not Child Appropriate Area.

    17. Solokid*

      I’m with your friend 100%. I suppose a “please” could’ve been added but not necessary.

    18. Ellis Bell*

      Sometimes being direct is a kindness. Some people drag their kids around with them to do something totally outside the kid’s routine, provide them with no attention or distractions, then they wonder why they “can’t behave”. On top of that they aren’t willing to give the kid even the attention of taking them to one side to calm down. They need to know they aren’t surrounded by people equally clueless and thinking “Well what can he possibly do?!” I think your friend minded their own business and kept the request to the immediate affect on your group. It was only awkward because he had to speak up at all. I think your friend also gave the parent half a clue. Tantrums are inevitable and I think parents should be welcomed wherever possible, but there’s a difference between kids being loathed for no reason and letting your child scream unhindered. There’s always the option of going outside for a time out at the very least.

    19. fhqwhgads*

      I’m confused why it’s legal for children to be in a bar that doesn’t serve food? “You can bring it from next door” has not been an exception to this in my experience, so the whole scenario is kind of weird.

    20. NoKidZone*

      I think it’s reasonable to expect a bar to be kid free and to be annoyed when it’s not and extra annoyed when it’s populated by misbehaving kids. I would feel no compunction about being very direct about taking the kid out of there immediately, so I think you were overly nice about it.

    21. Fellow Traveller*

      I feel like when we start thinking of things being “wrong” or “right” it can lead to folks feeling self righteous and defensive rather than approaching things with humility and empathy. I mean everyone has a different tolerance level for certain irritations and this whole situation strikes me as a morally neutral. Perhaps the best way would have been to ask the staff at the bar to say something? What would one have done differently if it was a very loud adult?
      I always find it interesting how many comments threads about poorly behaved kids/parents elicit.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        The topic gets a lot of comments because it’s very context dependant; the situation of kids throwing a tantrum does often require empathy, but depending on context. Like, I’d have a lot more empathy if it was someone in a supermarket ignoring their kid just so they could get finished with their shopping because they’re at their wits end and need food in the house. I wouldn’t extend the same sympathy to someone hanging out on a bar, even though I don’t particularly judge kids being in a bar – it’s common in the UK to bring children into a pub. I don’t even judge the guy in question, I just think he made a mistake in judgement and he was corrected for it without anyone overstepping. I don’t think people finding that correction to be reasonable is self righteous.

    22. EngineerMom*

      Parent here. ESH (everyone sucks here, in the scenario).

      Dad should have taken kid outside as soon as kid started being disruptive. Kids tantrum (older than you think, plus it’s hard to estimate age based on appearance – my daughter at age 3 was taller than most 5-year-olds)., it happens especially when they’re tired or hungry or both, but as a parent part of your job is minimizing disruption in public spaces by doing things like taking an out-of-control kiddo outside or away from a crowd whenever possible until they are able to self-regulate again. As a parent, it sucks – you have to interrupt your own activities to tend to the kid, but it’s just part of the job.

      Your friend shouldn’t have been rude, though – parenting a screaming toddler is hard enough without judgemental a-holes voicing their opinions in condescending/rude ways. A better approach is to talk with a restaurant/bar manager and have them deal with the situation.

    23. Observer*

      From what you say, your friend should have been politer to start with.

      But that doesn’t change the fact that dad was really out if line here. For one thing, it’s a *bar* where the only items sold are alcoholic beverages. I don’t understand ANY of the parents who bring young children here. Sure, it’s for board games, but still.

      And by the way, while parents do often tend to filter out kid noises “wailing” is not something most good parents actually tune out *automatically*. It’s generally a *decision* – eg Parent refuses something kid wants and parent decides that the best way to deal with kid’s subsequent tantrum / wails / whining is to pretend not to hear it. It’s a good tactic in the appropriate time and place, to be sure! But *appropriate* is the key word here. And a bar near a party of people who are just trying to have a chill evening is most definitely NOT an appropriate setting for that particular tactic and decision.

      I would say that the kindest and best way to have handled it would have been to ask the Dad politely to take the kid elsewhere. “I understand that Kid is frustrated, but it’s making a difficult for us to have a conversation. Could you move him?” I think that’s not rude. You could use a bit more softening language if you are really uncomfortable, but it’s not really necessary.

      And if Dad goes beyond snark to refusing to move the kid, I would have skipped the rudeness and gone a manager and asked them to deal with this situation.

    24. 100 Percent Parent Problem*

      This is very late to the conversation, but the main thing here is that the dad left his own group and was walking the toddler around/parking in an area that wasn’t even at his own table annoying the people the dad came with. He was being “polite” to his own group while being rude to a stranger group with the kid noise. That elevates this from the normal discussion of how kids behave in public and what parents do about it. It is not rude to point out the obvious to people who are oblivious. That level of entitlement or obliviousness or poor-dad tired-ness (if one is looking for excuses) would not be penetrated by a soft-spoken, politely-worded, self-effacing, apologetic request to do their group the utmost of favors and kindly move farther away.

  7. Looking to rent a Cat*

    Mouse hunting advice.
    we have 2 kids under three. we’re renting (landlord’s decent).

    Just spotted a little gray mouse running in our first floor apartment (hundred year old building in a dense european city full of mice and rats).
    After cornering it and losing it over and over for two hours (hubby talked me out of using bug spray to stun it, I wasn’t thinking straight), we can’t find it anymore.

    I have no idea if there’s a crack big enough for a mouse between our wooden floorboards (can a mouse fit through 1-2mm spaces ?) or of it’s still there somewhere…

    Could it have climbed up from the ground floor (we keep the windows open)? There’s also a little space under our front door…

    I’m so annoyed (if only because I’ll be so sleep deprived tomorrow. It’s almost 3 am.). Also 2yo sleeps on a mattress on the floor (he was thrilled to see the mouse when he showed up to see what the midnight fuss in the living room was about, so there’s that…)

    At least we found no droppings or hints of a nest when moving furniture around, so it’s hopefully just passing through.

    any tips ? we’ll be extra careful to not leave crumbs or food around obviously.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I’m not sure if this will be reassuring to you, but to answer part of your question, mice can and do get anywhere – places you would never think they can get. I’ve heard they can fit through openings the size of American dimes (the internet tells me this is 17.91 mm?) and they can scale walls or easily travel within walls. However, you will know if you have them – they can’t control their defecation, so there will be evident signs to let you know if you are sharing interior space with them.

        1. Rainy*

          If the bare dimensions of their skull can fit, the whole rodent can fit, even if the rodent is a heckin chonker.

          I used to keep pet rats, and the spacing on a wire rat enclosure is 1/4″ for a reason. If you put a rat in a guinea pig enclosure the rat will not so much escape as just consider that it was never enclosed at all!

            1. Rainy*

              Oh my goodness, right? And they hold things really well for critters without opposable thumbs!

              1. Laura Petrie*

                The death grip! Like when they steal something they know they shouldn’t have or want me to !NOTICE THEM! and grab my finger and won’t let go. They’re freakishly strong considering their size.

    2. Giz's Mom*

      I lived in a older 5 floor apartment building for over a decade, and was the only unit in the building which did not have mice.

      First, a cat (if you’re willing and allowed to have one) is your best defense. Mice will smell a cat and avoid it’s territory as much as possible. I don’t have experience with dogs, so not sure if you’d get the same benefits.

      Second, look at your heating/cooling system. Hardware stores sell large steel wool pads that you can put in the vents or openings in the radiators. They let air through but keep rodents out.

      Also, I’ve read about auditory rodent deterents that you can plug into an outlet, like an air freshener.

      Good luck! It’s an awful problem to have. :-(

      Cats (rental or otherwise) are a great deterrent to mice. The normal smells that cats emit will have mice steering clear.

      1. rr*

        Haha. We have 2 cats (and had more at one point) and a very active mouse problem. We pay a pest control company, though because of the cats, they can only use certain things. Our cats do sometimes catch a mouse, but that is definitely the exception. House cats don’t work for a living, you know?

        2. Cat and dog fosterer*

          Depends on the cats or dogs! My cat is indoor only, ever, and is an effective hunter when rodents come in the house. The worst was when he caught something but didn’t show me where it was, and I could smell it for a week.

          But yes, there are no guarantees a cat will be a good mouser.

        3. Rainy*

          Some cats don’t have much of a prey drive, but I always found that a well-fed mouser will catch a lot more mice than a hungry cat. I grew up on a farm and we always had barn cats, and our barn cats were very well fed. A hungry cat will catch mice til it’s not a hungry cat. A well-fed cat with a prey drive will kill mice 24/7 for the fun of it.

          1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

            This. I have 3 inside-only cats. They have access to food whenever they want. 2 are exceptional killers of anything that moves–bugs, mice, garter snakes (they get into our garage sometimes), lizards, etc. And we had a cat who has since passed away that I would *never* have thought would be a hunter, but damn if he didn’t catch a bat IN THE AIR when one got inside one time.

            I will say that every girl cat I’ve ever had has been good at hunting/catching prey. The boy cats are much more of a toss-up. Also, younger cats tend to have a stronger prey drive; a geriatric cat (like 12+ years) is going to be less inclined to hunt.

      2. Maxine*

        I got rid of mice (who wasn’t fooled by traps) by letting the neighbor’s cat in a few times a week. Apparently that was enough. And the cat was so pleased, he had been trying to go inside for years.

    3. fueled by coffee*

      Honestly I’d just buy some traps – if there is a mouse, it will hopefully get caught (might take a few weeks) and then you’ll know you caught it, and if not, seeing empty traps for ~1 month will hopefully give you peace of mind that it’s not there.

      If animal cruelty is your concern, they make humane traps that just catch the mouse and then you can release it far away from your residence. Emphasis on far, though – like, you might want to take it for a bit of a road trip so it can’t find it’s way back to your apartment.

      1. Pennyworth*

        Old fashioned traps are not cruel, they kill the mouse in a fraction of a second. I find peanut peanut butter is irresistible to mice, and put the trap/s in a space a cat or dog can’t get to, like the gap beside the fridge.

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Moving any trapped animal more than a couple blocks is very likely to kill it too. So either get a live trap and release it within a couple blocks (seems likely that this one got in but it isn’t normal to have mice in their apartment, so releasing it nearby shouldn’t result in it getting back in), or get a quick trap.

      3. Manders*

        I like either the OG peanut butter traps (but they scare me to set!), or the spin traps you can find at any home improvement store (I also use peanut butter in these).

    4. Missb*

      I like the black snap traps, find them on Amazon. They have a detachable bait cup which makes it easy to fill. They’re easily set and easily reusable.

      If you prefer a trap and release (I don’t recommend but I understand) then using a 5 gallon bucket with any sort of item like peanut butter in the bottom will work fine. No trap needed, just make sure they can get to the top of the bucket from the outside. They can’t get out.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        We lived in an old house with an occasional mouse or two – never more than that. I kind of made nodding acquaintance friends with them – one would come part way into a room and just watch me, I’d say “Hi, Mousie,” and eventually it would go back to its spot in the walls. We had metal cabinets, so they didn’t get into food items. This went on until we moved several years later, and we never had evidence of more than one or two living there at a time.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          That is cute but I will point out that there are still rodent born diseases; specifics depend on where you are. In my area It’s hantavirus.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Unfortunately:

      Little mouse was not passing through. If there was a crack anywhere in your apartment–window, door, floor–it squeezed through. It is insane how narrow a space can admit a mouse.

      It was also one of many. See one, got ten is the rule of thumb with rodents, and there is a thriving nest somewhere in the building.

      Your son needs to be up off the ground. Even without visible poops, hantavirus is a thing and you don’t want him floor level breathing in minute poot particles all night.

      Contact your landlord AT ONCE and let them know. If this is a hundred year old building in a European city it will not be the first time he/she has heard it, but you need it on record that you’ve reported a rodent sighting.

      Seal EVERY FOOD ITEM in lockdown, heavy duty plastic or glass containers. Not empty margarine bins or similar, locking, thick containers that cannot be gnawed through. Just the boxes or containers the food comes in is NOT enough. Every single cupboard and pantry shelf in your place is a target for mice searching for the slightest whiff of flour or trace of macaroni noodle and they will not cease their search.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Peanut butter and possibly chocolate are also irresistible. I had to throw out a bag of Reese’s Easter Eggs because mice got into them. [sob] On a wire shelf at least 4-5′ up. Now I put them in at least two zip lock bags, or in a mini fridge.

        1. Stephanie*

          I’ve also had luck with beef jerky (squishy and fragrant). Snickers are good too.

      2. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Hear, hear. Mice are disease vectors and they urinate constantly to mark their territory. Hantavirus would be a real concern for me, and there are other diseases that mice can spread.

    7. Wormentude*

      Fully sympathise. We have had mice several times and it’s not a nice feeling knowing they are in the house.

      Get some wire wool and stuff any small gap you can find. Check places like behind the kitchen cabinets and under kickboards where pipes come through the wall as they often have gaps around. Don’t be tempted to use expanding foam as mice will eat through it. There’s also a product called Mouse Mesh which covers air bricks and vents to block access but still let air through.

      We have never had any success with traps, but poison seems to have been successful. Whichever you choose, try to avoid touching the traps (wear gloves) as we were told that mice will avoid them if they smell or human. Position them by walls and in corners as mice will go around rooms rather than across them.

      1. anonymous uncreative name*

        I’ve had the same problem and was going to try that but read steel wool can catch fire. Is there a kind that doesn’t?

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have ongoing issues with mice. My husband sets traps when we see them, he gets three or four, we don’t see them for a while, and then it starts again. It’s also seasonal. A few years ago he realized that our crawl space was basically a mouse superhighway; he set traps there and put steel wool or something around the opening to the rest of the cellar and we now have many fewer mice.

      About a month ago I glanced up from the table and saw a mouse disappear under my cabinet. There’s a toekick that goes to the floor. The floor isn’t entirely level (old house) and there’s a minuscule gap – big enough for a mouse. They can get in and out of openings you’d never think were openings. The snap traps work well and I’m beyond grateful that he deals with them and I don’t have to.

      When we had more mice we put crackers and bread into hard plastic or glass containers because the mice chewed through the bags. Avoiding crumbs is great – not always good enough.

      1. Rainy*

        Many years ago when I was living in a very different place, the city had to demolish a house on our block that had been standing empty for about 2 years after an explosion/fire, and we very briefly had mice (and so did everyone else!) when they were displaced from their mousie paradise. Luckily at the time we had three cats and they only had to catch a few to make our house not the place to be.

        1. Stephanie*

          Yeaaah, I used to live in a row house and the block behind me had an empty building that was razed for pricey condos. The rats were very unhappy and made their presence known. I believe the city forced the developer to pay for extermination throughout the neighborhood.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Yep; we were doing a remodel at work when a nearby building was torn down and it was RodentFest 2020 down there–I personally spotted a rat the size of the proverbial chihuahua! (They are all long gone, thank goodness!)

    9. Middle Aged Lady*

      In addition to the other advice, ask the landlord to remove any bushes or debris close to the house.

    10. Stephanie*

      Mice can get through the tiniest of holes. I doubt you’ll be able to find and seal all the entry points in a 100-yo building in a dense city.

      I had a mouse a couple of months ago. I found the Tom Cat Press ‘n’ Set traps worked REALLY well and killed the mouse before it even had a chance to get the bait. I have never been able to bait a proper snap trap. Wirecutter has some good recommendations: https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-mousetrap/

      So they’re coming in because there’s a food source. I would make sure all your food is sealed in plastic (ideally glass). Pet food is a huge one (former roommate had dog food in a giant bag and yup…they were feasting). Make sure you reduce clutter as much as possible (they like to hide). For potential holes — check water and stove lines. The times I’ve had mice, they’re usually getting in from behind the stove or a water line (like behind the fridge).

    11. Professor Plum*

      My mouse trap hack is to place an opened brown paper bag on its side on the floor along the edge of a wall where they’re traveling. Put the trap inside the bag. Then you can scoop the whole thing up to discard without ever needing to touch the mouse or the trap.

    12. gsa*

      In lieu of, steel wool, use a stainless steel scrubby.

      The most we get seem to be pretty smart. I cannot catch them in any sort of snap trap. Glue traps work, but you have to dispose of a live mouse.

      We also spread mothballs around the exterior of our house, as well as some in the garage underneath the cars. Some sort of rodent got into the engine bay of each of ours cars and eat the electrical harness system. I think it cost $400 to fix mine and $800 to fix hers.

      Good Luck!

    13. EngineerMom*

      Food: not only do you need to and leasing any crumbs (stop eating anywhere other than the dining table), you will ALSO need to enclose ALL food in mouse-proof containers.

      And focus on eliminating access to your home – look for any and all opening in cabinets, under things like stoves or fridges, etc.

      Our first apartment, a mouse was getting in through a tiny gap under the frame of our front door. Built a nest in a wooden box we were storing under our bed, a box that contained a dollhouse my grandfather had made for me, that the mouse ruined with pee. Filled it with tri-color rotini, something I NEVER buy.

      I was pissed – I had a mouse infestation UNDER MY BED because some other apartment-dweller wasn’t appropriately securing their food.

    14. just another queer reader*

      I don’t know European rental laws, but your landlord should probably take action. The mice are probably having a grand old time in the walls/ attic/ basement of the whole building.

      As for what you can do:
      1) plug up all tiny holes with steel wool
      2) put out mouse traps, 2 per wall, plus some under cabinets. You can put them inside boxes to protect them from kids (depending on the kid)
      3) keep food in hard sided containers; keep crumbs off the floor; keep clutter to a minimum. This will make your space less inviting to hang out in.

      To be honest there’ll probably always be some mice around, but you can keep them to a minimum in your space. (Where I live, mice tend to be an autumn problem in most homes because they move inside when it gets cold.)

  8. Eliot Waugh*

    Just some food for thought:

    Often when discussions of work events come up here, alcoholics and addicts in recovery get used as a reason why venues with booze are “bad” choices. Obviously I do not speak for every alcoholic or person with substance abuse issues, but while I know this is well meant, it’s also kind of frustrating. I understand that it’s difficult to know where someone else’s self-control is at and what can be triggering for one person may not be for another, hence the desire to use caution.

    But the phrasing often ends up implying that all of us must constantly be treated with kid gloves and must not be in situations where we’re aware of alcohol, and that is often not the case. Hell, even the Big Book of AA (which isn’t the only method of recovery but has been used by many) explicitly says otherwise” “our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason to be there”. We aren’t going to immediately slide into relapse if we’re aware that booze exists. Please be careful not to imply otherwise when you discuss this issue.

    1. The Shenanigans*

      I can’t speak to the alcoholism issue from personal experience. But I can say that family members who do struggle with it would absolutely agree. In fact, one has said they wish people just forgot they were an alcoholic because the kid gloves actually make it harder for his recovery.

      I will also say I think this phenomenon isn’t just limited to alcoholism but gets applied to any kind of minority need. I see this attitude applied to disability, gender, age, religion, even food choice. Like, guys, adults will not break if they have to navigate a situation that isn’t 100% optimized for their comfort. And, if they can’t, they need to learn immediately.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Such a fine line, because what we’re really asking is to treat people as individuals – the usual objection is to throwing important events at bars which means everybody HAS to be around drinking all night or else they don’t get the benefit of participating, particularly in the Place We Don’t Talk About On The Weekend Thread, but also in other areas of life.

      2. Eliot Waugh*

        Yeah, the kid gloves can get a bit frustrating sometimes, though I do understand the intentions are good. And you’re absolutely right that this impulse can apply to a lot of other areas. I understand wanting to speak up for people but one should do so out of genuine and well-informed concern, not just as a cudgel to shut down ideas.

    2. WellRed*

      When my brother was in the wagon he had no expectation that we wouldn’t drink in front of him. Though we toned it down.

      1. WellRed*

        I will say if someone specifically says they are struggling I will absolutely accommodate that!

      2. Eliot Waugh*

        Yeah, I tell my friends to please feel comfortable ordering whatever they like around me. I’d prefer not to be around wasted people but that’s when I remove myself from the situation as opposed to expecting people to modify their behavior for me.

        Early on I did appreciate people asking my comfort level first, but that isn’t expected.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Thank you for saying this. The tendency to be overprotective of hypothetical people who might potentially have a problem with X or Y becomes condescending very quickly.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I never read those comments as “people in recovery will backslide if they are around alcohol” but more “some people in recovery prefer not to be in bars so if you regularly choose a bar they regularly might choose not to come, and that would be too bad.” Kind of like if you have vegans in your midst and you always choose to gather at a Brazilian steak house. They’re not going to suddenly start eating meat, but they might feel a bit squicky if it happens regularly.

      1. ecnaseener*

        That makes sense, but I’ve definitely seen a lot of comments along the lines of “bars are out,” rather than just saying to mix it up.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      TV rec: I thought this was well illustrated in Single Drunk Female, on Hulu. There’s a scene where the main character, Sam, explicitly tells her mom that it is okay for mom to drink wine, Sam not drinking is on Sam.

      (Also shoutouts for the show’s portrayals of best friend Felicia, who is full-figured and 100% filmed as though she is the hottest person in any room, and Mindy, who applies what she learned transitioning (and also video gaming) to getting sober.)

    6. Come On Eileen*

      That’s definitely true! I’ve been in recovery for about nine and a half years and don’t find bars triggering to me. But when I was early in recovery? Before I told anybody? I would have HATED being in a bar or around booze, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable telling anybody that. So keep in mind the people who are early in their journey, finding their sober legs, or who might just be questioning whether they need to quit — as a society, it helps to make life a bit softer for them if we can.

        1. anonymous uncreative name*

          You don’t, that’s why it’s better to not make assumptions or pressure people. Inclusivity is about making people feel welcome without justification.

    7. anonymous uncreative name*

      I don’t drink but am from a family of people who suffer from addiction. The reason I don’t drink is because an alcoholic parent caused me a lifetime of trauma damage as a child that I will never fully recover from. I “can” be around alcohol but it’s exhausting for me. I was forced to be around my parent drinking at other people’s homes and couldn’t leave. Feeling “forced” to be around alcohol and not being able to leave is triggering for me. Knowing that I can leave helps me handle it better as an adult. You can’t always leave work events if you want to keep your job.

      Not to mention the comments about why I don’t drink, or pressure to drink that always happens at events like this. I’m already dealing with a lifetime of trauma and don’t need people trying to make me feel like something’s wrong with me because me not drinking somehow doesn’t justify their drinking??? (ugh) I don’t owe anyone my story and it’s not something I want to discuss with coworkers. Plus, I hate being at places like bars that solely exist to support the alcohol industry.

      tl:dr Not everyone who doesn’t drink is in recovery, be kind.

      If you can’t handle being somewhere where you can’t have a drink for a couple hours or people who don’t drink, consider thinking about why that might be.

      1. anonymous uncreative name*

        Oops, it just registered this is the weekend thread but the above applies to social and family events, too.

        Events where alcohol is served and children are in attendance make me especially uncomfortable.

      2. Girasol*

        My situation too: child of an alcoholic parent who chooses not to drink. I find that alcohol events can be kinda weird. There’s the part about people hinting about why I’m not drinking and coaching me about how even an alcoholic can have just one. That’s weird, partly because I’m not an alcoholic but mainly because there’s something creepy about how people who are drinking are so heavily invested in whether everyone else is drinking too. What’s up with that? But even if I have a coke or soda water dressed up as a cocktail so I can go incognito, I tend to dislike drinking events. Wherever drinking is the main objective of the event, people act differently. I can’t put my finger on why, but the conversation in a nice bar isn’t nearly as interesting as in, say, a nice coffee shop.

        1. anonymous uncreative name*

          Exactly! This will still occasionally happen at a dinner with drinks type event but always happens without fail at a drinking focused event.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Ugh, I gave up drinking purely for health reasons and I get all the alcoholic theorising and other very weirdly invested in everyone drinking alcohol conversations. It’s just a type of drink! Have a different type of drink once in a while, or at least accept that others might. I also have a family of functional, not-out, untreated alcoholics and I would have been delighted by an alcohol free venue for family stuff any day of the week. I can totally see a rationale for objecting to patronising words, or the whole “nothing about us without us” deal – if someone is forthcoming about their addiction, then you can ask them if it’s actually a problem. That comes with a big caveat that you won’t always know who’s struggling, and I don’t get why it’s so important to make sure people have access to alcohol.

      3. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        yes, I don’t have a trauma history but people should stop asking why people don’t drink. ( my real reason is that alcohol makes me act unpredictably and I avoid causing trouble for others)

    8. the cat's pajamas*

      There’s also the issue of liability for the company hosting. Many non-alcoholics might have a drink too many which can lead to bad situations, sexual advances, serving underage folks, etc.

    9. EngineerMom*

      I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t drink much (drinking alcohol interferes with my ability to get a good night’s sleep, so I don’t drink often or much).

      I don’t think venues with booze are particularly appropriate for work events in general. It’s not about alcoholics relapsing, it’s more about people doing/saying stupid stuff while under the influence in general.

    10. JSPA*

      if 5 out of 6 recovering alcoholics are fine with being in a bar, it’s still damaging to the 6th, though. Same argument for 19 out of 20.

      “Can predictably be potentially problematic” is a decent place to set the cutoff; you don’t have to wait for, “can predictably be guaranteed problematic.”

      Getting away from a default of “work mixes very well with drinks” or “anything in life is better with alcohol” is part of a broader societal reset, anyway. It makes it a lot harder to slide into problem drinking, and to normalize problem drinking, and to lie to oneself about problem drinking.

      I’m not anti-alcohol (far from it) but I’m solidly against alcohol being a presumed default.

      I’d agree that alcoholics in recovery, working their program are… not generally the alcoholics who are getting in trouble at work events. But there are plenty of people who are white-knuckling semi-sobriety, or quietly cutting back (but finding it harder than expected) or otherwise have amorphous, unspecified problems with alcohol.

      But socially (and legally?) it’s easier to say, “let’s respect our dry members” (or congregants or coworkers) than to say, “yeah, I don’t like to watch Marsha stare at the bottles for an hour and then down 4 shots, or wonder if Fergus will be pontificating about the pointlessness of alcohol, or if he and his stomach contents willhave to be scraped off the bathroom floor…so let’s just have soda with the pizza.”

      (Betcha that mental arithmetic is going on in the background, though.)

      1. Aphrodite*

        I am so, so sorry. He’s just a lover boy–and I am particularly sorry for your husband. I hope those two are spending a lot of time together.

      2. Jackalope*

        So sorry to hear that. Sending you and your household hugs. I hope it gives him lots more time.

      3. MEH Squared*

        Sorry you’re having to go through this. Sending positive vibes to you and your entire family. May he have more time with you all.

      4. Lemondrops*

        awww i’m so sorry to hear that. you are awesome guardians for him and he is a very lucky boy to have you

      5. Once too Often*

        Hope it gives him more time than predicted. You have a pretty good track record for that in your family. (Yay, Barbara!).
        Don’t know if it helps, but my experience with radiation is that it is painless (but can become tiring.)
        Best to all of you.

  11. Anthology*

    Are there any particular types/styles of hardwood floors that are especially quiet? Our old ones are snap-together planks, and walking on them is like listening to gunshots. The popping and snapping is awful.

    1. Just a Name*

      Hardwood floors depend a lot on having a solid subfloor. Plus an under layer that is sound deadening. Sometimes even floor joists that are properly spaced and supported. I have solid white oak floors but the installer was an idiot, so we have creaks and groans. But if your are there long term, you can have them refinished when there is wear and tear. Not a constant popping though. A flooring expert might be able to diagnose the source of the issues. Inexpensive luxury vinyl planks often lack the under layer to cushion and soften the creaks.

    2. Missb*

      I have a 100 year old house with like 1.5” wide oak flooring. Of course it creaks- it was installed 100 years ago and they used standard techniques of the time to get it in.

      Last year we had the floors refinished and had more wood milled to match to replace some floors in rooms that were missing. The installers put some sort of barrier down before installing and they both glued and nailed it down. I can walk silently on the new sections and clearly tell (by sound) where the old floor is.

    3. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I rented a room in a house where the owner had put down an engineered timber floating floor like the snap-together planks you’re describing. Top of the range apparently, but still so clacky! Awful with the dogs’ nails clacking all over it constantly too.

      One day during a storm, a little water dripped in through the ceiling and turned the entire floor into a series of speedbumps. So rather than replace it with the same thing, they opted for strips of real hardwood timber and had them glued to the concrete slab and polished up like a regular timber floor. The difference was incredible, not just to walk on, but also acoustics in the room generally – which really surprised me! Sound just bounced around less and the whole open plan area was so much quieter. They went for second grade timber for the visual effect (they liked the knots) but it was also a lot cheaper than first grade. From memory I think all up it was only about 10-20% more than the fake floor. Totally worth it though, it looked amazing.

      The one difficulty they had was that the floor needed to be completely even for it to be installed. Because it got glued straight onto the slab, there’s no cushioning layer to go over random lumps of concrete/plaster/glue/etc like there is with other flooring types.

  12. Cosmetic dupes*

    Any makeup/nail polish gurus know of a current resource library for color dupes? All the ones I used in the past are either defunct or stopped updating.

    1. Worked in IT forever*

      Have you checked out the Temptalia website? It has a pretty comprehensive list of products with reviews and dupes, including side-by-side photo comparisons.

  13. chocolate muffins*

    To complement the regular book thread, I was wondering if you all have any books that are particularly meaningful or memorable to you, that you’ve read ever in the course of your life (not just over the past week necessarily). For me, The Time Traveler’s Wife stands out because I read it at the right time for me and it hit me right in the feels, especially the end. Also, the ending of A Prayer for Owen Meaney was such a perfect representation of faith, for me, and has stayed with me ever since I read that book maybe … 20-ish years ago now? Curious what has had particular resonance for other readers here.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Jane Eyre for me. Every time I read it, I pick up on a different element – first read it when I was maybe 13 or so and remember thinking she should have stuck with Rochester from the beginning, but now when I reread it I see a lot more red flags and understand why there was more of a journey needed there … still an engaging read!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Jane Eyre so much and like you, pick up different things every single time. Like, the last time through, I realized the reason Rochester is so weird and crusty while he’s falling in love with Jane (and she with him) is that his experiences in the emotions of love have all been brutal, life-ruining mistakes.

        His first was with Bertha, an infatuation encouraged by his and her families fired by sex, testosterone and male competition for her attentions that resulted in being bonded for life to a woman who was a sexual and mental disaster and destroyed any hopes he had for a normal family life. He second, Celine Verens, was a similar sex-fueled liaison that ended with her mercenary betrayal and being stuck with an illegitimate child. No wonder that when he starts to fall for Jane, he panics and puts them both through extreme emotional pain in order to test whether it’s the real thing or not!

    2. Past Lurker*

      I liked Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. In particular the ending, when someone does a kind thing for a very unkind person. Their explanation as to why means a lot to me.

    3. Nonprofit worker*

      How to be good by Nick Hornby. It is definitely not his best book, but the timing when I read it (coming out of college, working for a nonprofit in a developing country) made it have a lasting impact. I was going through the same question of how “good” to be and balancing navigating a new culture with wanting to help but trying to avoid the “savior” complex. It really helped me process my feelings.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Dandelion Wine, by Ray Bradbury. I read it at around eleven or twelve years old and was entranced by the language and evocative word pictures he painted. Still one of my very, very favorite books.

      Three days after 9/11, we finally got a flight home from my grandfather’s funeral and I read The Hotel New Hampshire on the plane, and read this:

      “A terrorist, I think, is simply another kind of pornographer. The pornographer pretends he is disgusted by his work; the terrorist pretends he is uninterested in the means. The ends, they say, are what they care about. But they are both lying. Ernst loved his pornography; Ernst worshiped the means. It is never the ends that matter — it is only the means that matter. The terrorist and the pornographer are in it for the means. The means is everything to them. The blast of the bomb, the elephant position, the Schlagobers and blood — they love it all. Their intellectual detachment is a fraud; their indifference is feigned. They both tell lies about having ‘higher purposes.’ A terrorist is a pornographer.”

      It hit me like a sledgehammer and I’ve never forgotten it.

      1. Jackalope*

        I read Dandelion Wine for the first time in 2020 and I also loved it. Such an amazing book.

        1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          I read it at around age 10/11 and missed most of it. I need to get a copy and re-read it. Bradbury is an amazing writer.

    5. Jackalope*

      I’d like to give an author instead. Robin McKinley is my all-time favorite author, and her books have helped me through many dark moments (and good moments too); there’s something about the way she writes characters that resonates with me. And she was one of the first proponents of “girls who do things”, which at the time when I started reading her was much harder to find than today. It helped me feel like I could actually be more than what society told me I could be.

      1. Anonymous cat*

        Seconding Robin McKinley! When I was going through a tumultuous period of my life, I read her books over and over. They just spoke to me and told me things were POSSIBLE.

      3. Rainy*

        Yes, same. Sunshine is my favourite book, hands-down, and so precious to me that I only allow myself to re-read it every couple of years max, ideally when I’m sick or very burnt out.

    6. oy. vey.*

      Solo: On Her Own Adventure, by Susan Fox Rogers. A collection of short stories of women doing adventurous things alone. The short story that sticks with me is one about the narrator skiing alone on a mountain, and remembering a travelling companion.

    7. Aphrodite*

      Into Thin Air
      The River of Doubt
      A Short History of Nearly Everything
      The Book on the Bookshelf

      There are probably others but these come to mind now as I have reread them multiple times. They’ve become like old friends. I never tire of them.

      2. chocolate muffins*

        Ooooh, you are totally right that some books can become like old friends. I’ve been having that experience reading some books from my childhood with my baby. I haven’t read most of them for decades but still remember the words, it turns out.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I have so many “old friend” books that have multiple bookmarks at my favorite parts. Like Gaudy Night–I’ve probably read Harriet Vane and Miss DeVine’s discussion over having to be someone’s job, or having them be yours, about a hundred times.

        2. I take tea*

          For me it’s the part where you don’t make fundamental mistakes about things /people that really matter. Sometimes I think I’m not following that advice properly.

    8. Snell*

      The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan. I’d read one of the mothers’ parts, and recognize immediately “OMG that’s my mother,” then read one of the daughters’ parts, “OMG that’s me.” She put into words the same life experiences I lived, the same life experiences my mother shared with me. It was uncanny.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Anna Karenina. I’ve read it numerous times and I always find something new. It’s a masterpiece of narrative structure, the characterizations – especially of the minor characters – are so personal and empathic, and I love the formal parallelism between some of the main characters. I also really like the throw-away assumptions about life in the upper classes of Czarist Russia.

      I was thinking just the other day about how Dolly’s home life is so different and more chaotic than Anna’s. Also about Countess Lydia and why her husband left her so suddenly. Also about the prostitute who is with Levin’s brother when he dies. She and Kitty are able, against all odds, to interact well together and yet after his death I don’t think anyone feels any obligation to her.

    10. Jay*

      Search For A Living Fossil by Eleanor Clymer.
      I read it in fourth grade and was so enthralled I decided then and there that I was going to grow up to be a field biologist (I didn’t use those exact words, but that’s what it was).
      And I did.
      I spent over 20 years of my life living at least half the time on the water, usually hundreds of miles away from land.
      My only regret is not taking better care of myself so I could still be out there today!

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle. I watched the movie first, but read the book in elementary school (I was reading adult-by-reading-level chapter books pretty early). It was an interesting story to grow up with – I definitely related to different characters and storylines as I grew older.

      1. word nerd*

        Did you know Beagle published a collection of two novellas this year in the world of the Last Unicorn? It’s called The Way Home, and it includes “Two Hearts,” which used to be available for free on his website.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I’ve picked it up but it’s sitting in my TBR pile. Hopefully soon! I’ve read Two Hearts – very much a Peter Beagle kind of sequel, if that makes sense.

      2. KathyG*

        Anything that Peter S. Beagle works for me, but especially his first novel, A Fine and Private Place. It just seems to be a microcosm of life in a place I’ve never been to (NYC) in a particular time that was rapidly changing (early 1960s). It’s full of that empathy for ALL his characters that’s present in all his work, and somehow manages to be particularly poignant for me.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          My favorite of his books is actually I See by my Outfit, which is a travel memoir chronicling a motorscooter trip across the country, but The Last Unicorn probably held more meaning for me growing up, if that makes sense. I liked A Fine and Private Place too! I’ve re-read it quite a few times.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Amy Hempel’s short story collection Reasons to Live.

      I read it (in translation!) as a teenager who wanted to be a writer, and it gave me the first clear idea of what I wanted my writing to sound and feel like.

      I’d love the chance to read it again, in English.

      1. Vi*

        This was a very good book. Don’t know if I can face it again as lost too many during the early days. Want to read it again and focus on the research infighting…

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Wow! That’s a long book to reread so regularly. (I’m not really a rereader, though.)

        I did just read And the Band Played On for the first time a couple of years ago and loved it. It is an amazing book. Extremely well written and engaging.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I just finished book #104 for the year and picked my username honestly :)

        1. Hlao-roo*

          I’m not Red Reader but my assumption is the book is And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts.

    14. word nerd*

      Kintsugi: The Poetic Mend by Bonnie Kemske blew me away, and husband too, even though we don’t normally read books about art. We still talk about it years later. Beautifully written and gorgeous illustrations about the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with a golden lacquer to fill in the cracks. Thoughtful reflections on the meaningfulness of kintsugi and Japanese aesthetics without cheesiness.

    15. Breaking Dishes*

      Gone with the Wind:
      Read it when I was a teenager, then two times since at different times in my life-so I related to the book in different ways during different stages in my life.

      1. chocolate muffins*

        I’ve read this too and am curious about how the way you relate to this book has changed if you’re up for sharing!

    16. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

      Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl’s memoir of life in Nazi death camps is based on Frankl’s own experience and the stories of his patients, the book argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward.

      I first read it in college and have revisited when needed over the past 40 years. Most recently when I moved in with my elderly parents during the pandemic. I won’t spoil the details, but I recently realized that my decisions regarding my parents have eerily mirrored his and will end in the same results.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I also finally read this book at the beginning of the pandemic and I was blown away; it’s easily in my top 5 favorite books of all time. I was surprised that I found the first part – the more theoretical – even more engaging than the second, which details his personal experiences.

    17. Anima*

      I shall wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett.
      I only discovered it when I was way older than Tiffany, in my early 20s maybe? But it’s one of my most often read books. (Yes it looks atrocious. I scribbled in it which I usually don’t do.)
      It also one of these where you take away a different thing in different stages of your life.

        1. Angstrom*

          “This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”

          -from Wintersmith

      2. Don'tbeadork*

        Have you listened to Steeleye Span’s Wintersmith? It’s based on Wintersmith with Pratchett’s approval (and participation, on one track), and the song “I Shall Wear Midnight” is lovely.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      I reread Miracle, Connie Willis’s book of Christmas stories, many years around Christmas time. Especially Epiphany, which really captures that early January feel. And shoutout to Newsletter, in which the first sign of an alien invasion is everyone being really thoughtful and reasonable.

      Haven’t reread in years but it stays with me: Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age, which he wrote because he had a small daughter and so was thinking about educating young girls at that point in his life, and I had a toddler girl. I also really love Anathem by him, even though it takes 300 pages for the plot to get moving.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, Epiphany and Inn are two of my favorite short stories of all time. And her short novel Bellwether is so wonderful and makes science seem like something grand and entrancing!

        I adore Connie Willis, as you can probably guess!

    19. ThatGirl*

      I loooove Time Traveler’s Wife. I reread that and The Martian Chronicles every year.

    20. Straight Laced Sue*

      All of Jane Austen’s books. But I suppose particularly Persuasion, and Pride and Prejudice.
      P & P for pure, perfect, crystal pleasure. (Forgive all this alliteration!)
      And Persuasion for…ooof, because it gets you in the gut.

      1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        These are the two Austen books I read every year. The rest I can go 2-5 years between rereading.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Also my favorite Austens. I’ll stay up late reading P&P as if I don’t know how it’s going to turn out lol

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Mansfield Park especially, because it captures how hard it is to get to know a shy person, even when they’re shy due to everything going on around them.

        1. Turtle Dove*

          Yes! Mansfield Park is my favorite. I used to be painfully shy, and I identify with Fanny. It may be time to reread it (again).

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            I read this one in high school and didn’t care for it. Every couple of years I try to read ALL the Austens (I’ve never read S&S despite loving the movie, and I don’t think I ever finished Emma) but I just end up re-reading the ones I like!

    21. Elizabeth West*

      A Prayer for Owen Meany is one of my favorite books — but I can’t read it often, because it’s heartbreaking.

      Another is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I read it as a kid and related so much to Francie reading on the fire escape, her being kind of an outcast at school for various reasons, and her way of writing little stories that made things sound better than they were.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Have you read Joy in the Morning? It’s like following a grown up Francie in a way (although it’s about different characters.)

        1. HoundMom*

          I loved Joy in the Morning — more than A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by the same author (although I liked that one as well). Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh; The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch; The Tightrope Dancer by Gilman.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, I have that one too.

          I had another by Betty Smith called Maggie-Now, but I hated it because the protagonist was trying to live her own life while surrounded by demanding and selfish men, and she ends up…not. That one went in either the garbage or the donation box, I don’t recall which.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Forgot to say, as an adult my favorite character in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn is Aunt Sissy. :)

    22. NeutralJanet*

      A Separate Peace is one that hits hard for me, as someone who never feels quite like enough. I actually haven’t read it in a decade because a friend of mine, who semi-jokingly referred to me as his Phineas, died by suicide–I picked it up not long after and just could not handle it. I don’t know if reading it now would be healing for me or make me feel worse.

    23. somehow*

      “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.” My maternal grandparents were born there, and it was my maternal aunt’s favorite movie. I read it again every few years and still soak it in as though it were my first time reading it. Even the title sends me off into daydream land.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Beautiful book. I read it so many times as a teenager and I’ve been thinking recently I need to read it again.

    24. Miss Thymia*

      I have two:
      The Bells, by Richard Harvell
      Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett

      I was a classical musician in another life and books that center around music can be very hit or miss for me, but when I do find the ones that hit… damn.

    25. Angstrom*

      “Here if you Need Me” by Kate Braestrup. I had just started as a rural volunteer EMT, and it was exactly what I needed for perspective on some of the issues of faith and death and care that one encounters in that setting.

      1. Dicey Tillerman*

        I don’t know anyone else who’s read this! I drove two hours to meet her at a book signing once, and it is a wonderful memory.

    26. Rachel*

      Time Traveler’s Wife was one of my favorites when it was released.

      I re-read it about a year ago and had an entirely different take. My advice: do not read it again!

      1. chocolate muffins*

        I would love to learn more about what changed in your perspective if you are up for sharing!

    27. DrKMnO4*

      The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor. It’s the best book I’ve ever read. It’s transformative.

      The second best book I’ve ever read is The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. The only imperfect thing about it is that it had to end.

      Honorable mentions:
      -Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I have only ever been able to read it once, because it’s like a trance when you’re reading it because you don’t know the ending. For me at least, once you know how it ends you can’t ever go back into that trance again.

      -The Magician’s Assistant by Ann Patchett. A fascinating look at love, and family, and magic.

      -Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune. This is a heavy book. It deals with grief and love, and coming to terms with death. Powerful and beautiful and made me cry.

      -Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas. Media that includes trans people often leans more towards trans women. The main character in this work is a trans man, which I appreciate.

    28. BlueCactus*

      I’ve reread and annotated the same copy of The Epic of Gilgamesh every few years since I first read it in high school. I love the way the oldest written story unfolds and still connects in new and interesting ways as I have grown and changed.

      On the nonfiction side, The Emperor of All Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee. I read it while my grandmother was in hospice care for widely metastatic cancer, and the combination of history and science and his personal stories about caring for cancer patients both helped me deal with my grandmother’s death and made me want to be a doctor. I’m now in medical school and intend to go in to oncology.

      1. somehow*

        That’s beautiful, BlueCactus. I’m sorry for what happened to your grandmother, but it’s lovely how you are honoring her. Virtual hugs.

    29. carcinization*

      I for sure used to be like that with She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb), but that was more like, from when I was in my teens to early 20s, I eventually “outgrew” it I guess. I’d have to give some more thought to more recent iterations of this… I’ll just reply to myself if I think of something.

    30. allathian*

      The Moomin books by Tove Jansson. Our dad read them to my sister and me, starting when I was 10 and my sister was 7, a chapter at a time. We were already reading chapter books by then, but these had a more advanced vocabulary and syntax than chapter books for kids have. I was in my mid-teens when I read them for the first time, and understood things that had gone over my head when I as a kid. I read them again in my late twenties, and a few years ago I read them to our son when he was 10. Every time I read them I catch some nuances that I missed the last time. I love these books because they’re so multilayered.

    31. temporarily anon*

      This is a great question! Extra anon just because the question brings up some very personal thoughts/info.

      I’m going to nominate ‘Spinning Silver’ by Naomi Novik — firstly for being such a satisfying, pitch-perfect example of the fairy/folktale adaptation (a weakness of mine), and secondly for how it weaves the main protagonist’s Jewish religion and culture into a genre where that tradition is rarely represented.

      Apologies if this is too derailing from the original topic, but this question also really made me think of the movie ‘The Worst Person in the World’, which REALLY hit me as a nearly 30yo woman trying to figure out where my life is going. (Spoiler below)
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      Also, the main character’s ex is sadly diagnosed with and dies with cancer some time after they’ve had a rough breakup. The same thing happened to me several years ago, and it was such a sad and weird experience that I think is also a bit unusual and hard to talk about. So seeing it on screen felt very meaningful to me.

    33. eeeek*

      Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande. I listened to it on a long solo drive, a few years after my mother and my father in law had just passed away, and my husband and I were both dealing with unpacking (literally and figuratively) all hat had happened as different types of divisions within our families fractured and we became responsible for “settling” a lot of things and estrangements solidified as the healthiest choice. Listening to that book woke me up to the many ways in which our then-living situation was likely to cause problems down the line, and within a year we had moved house, set up long-term care insurance for ourselves, updated our wills, and communicated clearly and openly about how we planned to “age well”. To say it changed my life is an understatement.

  14. CTT*

    Happy Barbenhimer Weekend to all who celebrate!

    (I’m actually not seeing them until next week because I’m currently traveling to see my favorite soccer team play (the only thing I love more than auteur cinema!), but please discuss if you’ve seen either or both!)

    1. Generic Name*

      I’m seeing the Barbie movie on Monday with friends. I’m wearing pink and heels (I hope I don’t break an ankle….)

    2. Pennyworth*

      I’m going to see then separately because Oppenheimer is 180 minutes long and I don’t want to sit through a second movie after 3 hours.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Both of my local drive-ins let me down – one is doing Barbie with something ELSE as their double feature (they usually do new release followed by either a somewhat-less new release or else a back catalog movie thematically related to the new release for their 2nd movie since a lot of people don’t stay, so this makes sense but is still disappointing), and the other theater with a drive-in decided to keep showing Mission Impossible outside and only show either of this week’s new movies indoors.

      Oh well.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m seeing Barbie today and Oppenheimer tomorrow.

      I’m not good at sitting through very long films unless they really grab my attention, so I might have skipped Oppenheimer if it wasn’t for my partner wanting to see it. I remember disliking Interstellar for that reason, but then again, I loved Inception when it came out. So let’s see how this one goes!

    5. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I am a little sorry that the blue tutu petticoat I ordered to go under my pink dress won’t be here on time for my screening tonight, but cannot wait for Barbie- seeing Oppenheimer tomorrow (no outfit planned thus far. I guess if I had a fedora and a dusty suit I could wear that…) Seeing Oppie in the afternoon so we can grab dinner afterwards. Remember to page your liquid consumption, it’s 180 minutes long! Bring back intervals!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        You’d think theaters would WANT intermission. since a prime leg-stretching activity is buying food & drinks!

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m going to see Oppenheimer on Sunday because I’ve been waiting for it for two years, but I’ve been so bombarded everywhere I turn with stuff about the Barbie movie that I just can’t, right now it makes me grumpy just thinking about it. (And then my car shuffled up “Get Your Sparkle On” yesterday and I was like OH COME ON.) I’ll get there but not right away, I need to let the hype die down a little bit.

    7. Dwight Schrute*

      I LOVED Barbie! It was funny, existential, just all around a fun time with fun colors and graphics

    8. M. from P.*

      I just came back from seeing Oppenheimer at the movie theater. It was… quite different from what I expected.

        1. M. from P.*

          Much less dramatic than expected! Also, no depiction of the actual explosion (just the test explosion).
          A lot of politics. Lots of guys in a room talking. Lots of Oppenheimer looking cool in a hat. Too little physics (for my taste).

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Could’ve done without those, yeah. They were quick though. And the movie did not feel like a three hour movie. If I hadn’t known I probably would have guessed 2 hours, MAYBE 2:15.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m seeing Barbie on Monday! It’s made me feel like I need to try harder to make local friends because everyone I know who’s excited lives elsewhere, but I have a cute outfit picked out and am treating it like a “date with myself” so it will still be fun.

      I have NO interest at all in Oppenheimer. I googled it for the first time yesterday and I can’t believe anyone would put themselves through a 3-hour movie in theaters! I need to pee just thinking about it.

      1. Cat Lover*

        I saw Oppenheimer yesterday and I liked it. It definitely didn’t feel like 3 hours. One of Nolan’s strongest films.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If I hadn’t know going into it that it was three hours, I would have guessed two and a few minutes.

    11. Clisby*

      We (me, husband, son) are planning to see Oppenheimer but are waiting 2-3 weeks in the hope attendance will die down a little. (We always do this for blockbuster openings – I can’t stand to be in a really crowded theater.)

      Our daughter is going with a group of friends to see Barbie – depending on her report, I might go to see that. I don’t think I could drag husband/son to see it.

      1. Elle*

        I went with my 15 year old and 12 year old. Both enjoyed it but there were things that went over my youngest’s head that we needed to explain. Nothing sexual but there’s a lot of big ideas and complex jokes. Like people said about Oppenheimer it was different than what I thought. Loved it though.

    12. Stuckinacrazyjob*

      I saw Barbie and it was so good..I didn’t have an outfit so just wore a dusty pink top

    13. Annie Edison*

      I took my partner’s daughter to see Barbie last night and we had the best time!! It was much more emotionally complex than I was anticipating, and so many delightful and weird moments to laugh it. Hoping to go see it again with my partner next week

    14. allathian*

      My husband and I are going to see Oppenheimer on our next date night. We go on dates to a great adults-only movie theater with a bar. People are generally very well-behaved, there’s never been an incident when we’ve been there. Seats are spaced far enough apart that getting up in the middle of the movie to go to the bathroom isn’t an issue, and with a three hour movie, I’m going to have to go at least once. We usually buy a bottle of bubbly when we go.

      My husband said that he’s read so many good things about Barbie that we’re probably going to see that too, at some point, either on disc or on one of the streaming services that we subscribe to (currently Netflix, HBO Max, and Disney+).

    15. Cat Lover*

      I saw Oppenheimer yesterday and I loved it! Definitely long but the combo of Nolan, Cillian, and RDJ was amazing. I commented below, but it is definitely a biopic of Oppenheimer, not an action film. The last hour was super strong.

      I’m seeing Barbie tomorrow!

  16. Teapot Translator*

    Any tips for reducing spending? I have some big expenses ahead and I’m having trouble curbing the small purchases, e.g. buying a lemonade from the local cafe or a pastry from the local bakery. It’s weirdly easier to tell myself no on bigger purchases.
    Are there better strategies than telling myself no sternly, but not listening anyway?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Write everything down. Don’t tell yourself you’ll download the transactions later. Stop in the moment and write it on paper or in your notes app. At the end of the day, add it up.

      It will introduce an extra layer of resistance to the process, not just because you can see what’s happening, but because it’s just a pain in the butt to do.

    2. Rick Tq*

      My best suggestion is to avoid going to the places where you make these small impulse purchases. Change your walking route or similar so you don’t see the shop and trigger the habit to buy a sweet.

      Second best is to leave the cash and debit/credit cards at home so you don’t have access to the money to spend.

      1. ronda*

        The avoid one is the one I think of.

        after my sister quit smoking, she told me that she “can’t go to the convinence store, cause that is where the cigarettes are”

        this is still a sacrifice for her after 10 years, because she also loves an icy drink which she got there and it is the store on her way home from everything (work, etc).
        So the other idea is replace: she goes to the sonic for an icy drink, but that is out of her regular way, so she also gets a bag of sonic ice (or from the ice vending machine on the way home) and makes her icy drink at home.

        So…. how can you avoid the places that have the temptations, so you dont have to get close and say no. AND, is there something else you can replace them with that is more budget friendly?

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        As a sub-routine for this, walk to the places you’re making regular impulsive purchases (like, a convenience store or Starbucks) instead of driving. Recently we started having to go downstairs to access soda (our upstairs machine died) and just having that little extra barrier of “downstairs” instead of ten steps away in the kitchen cut way back on my sugary drink consumption.

        Committing to the walk adds in time and the need to decide whether or not you “really” need to get X.

    3. Alex*

      Do you regularly work from a budget? Telling yourself no isn’t going to work. You have to find out how to tell yourself yes.

      I have a strict monthly budget that I stick to, and the budget includes a line item for savings. So I have to “Spend” on savings just like I do everything else.

      I have a very detailed and specific way that I do my budget, which I can explain in excruciatingly boring detail if you want, but one thing about the small purchases is to give yourself a budget for them! Always saying no isn’t going to actually work, so give yourself what you can afford in your budget, and then tell yourself, “I have 50 dollars to spend, how am I going to wisely spend it?” rather than every treat being a “well I really shouldn’t….” and then feeling like you shouldn’t have spent those five bucks.

      Since I’ve managed my budget this way, I’ve saved over 70K in the bank, in a HCOL area on a not-super-high salary. And I LOVE treats :)

      1. Jackalope*

        Yes, I agree with this. Having an amount to spend on small purchases helps a lot. And if you have, say, $15/wk, then if you’ve already spent it, it can be easier to say no because you already got some splurges for the week.

      2. Aphrodite*

        I agree. Among other things you should set aside the amount you want to put toward “treats” into an envelope in cash. Do not use your debit card. The cash will seem much more real, as it is, and you will likely begin to make wiser, certainly more deliberate, choices as the cash gets used up with those treats you especially appreciate.

      3. Buni*

        Along these lines, save FIRST – put whatever amount of money you want to save away the second you get your income. You can do whatever you want with whatever’s left, but that saving bit’s away safe first.

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          A treat budget has worked well for me, I’ll also get a gift card and that’s my treat budget for that particular place. Making treats at home is another option, my sister set up a fancy coffee bar at home and her family loves it. There was an initial expense to buy flavored coffee, syrups, etc but then it’s just refilling when one runs out.
          If getting out of the house is part of the treat, look for free/cheap places that don’t require buying stuff. Like take a picnic to a park, hang out in the library, etc. Some libraries have free/cheap museum passes and if you have universities near you they often have free/cheap speakers, concerts, art shows, etc.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        This is a great idea because 1) you aren’t punishing yourself for wanting treats, but 2) it makes you differentiate between a treat and a habit.

        Treats are supposed to be little extras that make you feel good; that’s what they’re for! Habits are ingrained routines that may make you feel anxious when they’re interrupted but don’t usually contribute directly to those serotonin bumps.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Set you weekly budget and get enough cash to cover it, then put your card away. Allow yourself one treat at the end of each week you don’t use your card.

    5. D'Euly*

      Accept that you’re going to *want* those small things and bring something with you instead: one of a box of cookies you bought at the grocery store for the same price as one of those pastries, for example. Then you don’t have to be stern, just take out your cookie and enjoy it! Really helps free you from the impulses over time, I’ve found.

    6. Bobina*

      I fully agree with what Alex said above, but might add that depending on how you work – it might be better off to do what banks in the UK like to call “Pay yourself first” which means transfer the money out for savings and your expenses the same way you do for bills. And then whatever you have left is your budget to do whatever you want with.

      For me, its easier to just ensure the money goes out before I ever get used to it/see it – that way it cant be spent! I specifically have separate accounts for this where I dont even carry the bank cards with me (and some dont even have cards available) so the money really does disappear as far as I’m concerned.

      1. Mrs Columbo*

        We do this. Our “W-word” lets us direct deposit to more than one account, so we each have a percentage going to a joint savings account and the rest to our respective personal checking accounts. But THEN, we have a joint bills account, and we have recurring transfers setup to sweep money from the personal accounts to the bills account on payday.

        That sounds like you have to have money for it to work. But the savings account was a late addition, once we had the discretionary income to use one.

        We were able to start the “bills account, automatic transfer” system on a very low household income. (I wasn’t working.) Our bank was offering free checking with direct deposit, and at that time only one account had to have the direct deposit. (Surely banks still do this now?)

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband referred to this as “The amount of money I can spend without thinking about it” and it has been different at different points in life. I think adjusting yourself back down is a tough shift, because of the “without thinking about it” part.

      Can you put away the credit/debit cards and make a rule to just use cash? I think having a physical limit of $20/week is easier to do than having a mental tracking limit of $20/week.

      1. Not Totally Subclinical*

        And if the places where you tend to spend money have gone to card-only, even better!

    8. Stephanie*

      Come up with a budget for those small purchases–maybe $20 per week (or whatever works for you), and put that much cash in your wallet at the beginning of the week. Then only use cash for those purchases, and when the cash is gone, you don’t buy it.
      That way, you still get to have some little treats, but you keep the spending under control.

    9. Forensic13*

      Try to pre-buy some treats at cheaper prices! Like if you know you’ll want a drink while you’re out, buy a case of bottles and throw one in your bag.

    10. Reluctant Budgeter*

      I’m going to second what Alex said, and recommend the site/app You Need A Budget to anyone who *wants* to budget better and doesn’t know where to start. It is not free (the first 34 days are), so it’s not for everyone. I mentally rebelled at the idea of paying someone to help me save money. If you have the patience and willingness to track your spending on your own for free, then do that! But I’m lazy and bad at spreadsheets and love treats, so this changed my finances in an amazing way.

      Their whole thing is planning/ accounting for every dollar as soon as you have it, and making sure you designate money for fun things as well as bills/ savings. When you overspend on a treat, the philosophy isn’t “don’t do that, how dare you,” it’s “okay, that’s cool, what you need to do now is pull that money from another category. ” That’s the part that stops me from overspending on the little extras. I have to decide what category I’m pulling the money from (groceries? gas money? Christmas savings? Vacation savings?), and usually I decide it’s not worth it to detract from that other goal. Sometimes I decide that it *is* worth it, and that’s fine. There’s no guilt involved, it’s just slowing down and making an informed choice. It has literally changed my life for the better.

      Again, you can do all this on your own without paying for an app, and this particular app’s approach to budgeting does not work for everyone. Just throwing it out there as a suggestion for people who want to track their money more closely and don’t know where to start.

      1. Double A*

        I was going to recommend YNAB. It’s also not the cheapest (though if you can do the yearly subscription it’s not too bad). I’ve always felt more or less on top of money and budgeting but YNAB took it to the next level. I DO input transactions immediately and I also check my budget before spending.

        It’s also very helpful for setting and meeting specific savings goals. I did find I needed that I needed to really engage with it to get the hang of it, so I wouldn’t sign up for that free month unless you’re ready to really give it a go.

        1. Stephanie*

          I love YNAB! I did sign up for in grad school (where it was free for students) and didn’t really get it. I gave it another try once I graduated and it definitely changed how I approached money.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cash.

      Assuming you like many of us have mostly moved to plastic, budget $X for little impulse buys to brighten your day or speed something up. Take that amount of cash in your wallet, and it’s a built-in visual reminder.

      (When you return deposit containers put that in the cash wallet, and it’s a built-in encouragement to do that chore.)

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        This helped me when I was on a much tighter budget. It’s a lot easier to tap or swipe a credit card and have no idea (until you get the bill) how much you ended up spending that month. If you have regular amounts you pull from an ATM, and then spend only that, you have a much better handle on things. And, even when you make the purchase, you can physically see how much money you have left for the week.

      2. Girasol*

        Yes! Scrounge the sofa cushions and old purses for cash and that’s the treat budget.

    12. janxiez*

      Seconding and thirding all recs so far. Also, if you’re a visual learner/processor, it might help to track savings creatively. Think something like a piggy bank but filled with a note to yourself with something you might find validating or motivating like atta-girl messages or the amount of money you didn’t spend that day. Good luck!

    13. Stephanie*

      I signed up for YNAB (there is a subscription fee), but I found it really helped to see every single frickin’ transaction and to make a plan when I got a paycheck.

      That being said, I don’t know your full financial picture, but if the lemonade is a little treat, I wouldn’t beat yourself up. If you bought a $4 lemonade every day, including holidays, that is $1460…which is less than the median rent in the US (Google tells me $1702). The lemonade is probably a red herring – I would definitely track all your expenses and you can see what you could cut that might have an actual impact (or think of how you could get more income).

    14. HannahS*

      I struggle with “I am never, ever going to buy a treat.” For me, it works more to say, “I will only a buy treats on Fridays, and on Friday, I can buy ANY PASTRY I WANT.” It’s easier to say, “Today isn’t Friday, so I have to wait until Friday…hmmm, should I get an almond croissant on Friday? A brownie the size of my head?” and keep on walking, than to clamp down with self-discipline with no future indulgence in sight.

      1. carcinization*

        I think this is a good idea. My favorite coffee place in town costs almost $9 for a flavored latte or similar once I get oat milk as is my preference and tip a dollar or two, and no way would I be okay with paying that daily, but I go once a week (not the same day every week, usually on whatever day will be the most stressful and/or busy) and it’s an enjoyable thing I can look forward to.

    15. Teapot Translator*

      Thank you everyone for the tips. I’ve realized that my budget is two years out of date, so I’m going to start with that and will try to have a small amount in cash on me for treats.
      If that doesn’t work, well, I may try the app mentioned.

  17. Jackalope*

    Reading thread: share what you’re reading this week, and give or request recs. All reading welcome.

    I finished What If? 2 this week. It’s by the author of xkcd, and is a hilarious book about “real science answers to ridiculous questions”, such as “What would happen if the Solar System were filled with soup out to Jupiter?” Highly recommend.

    I also read Hench this week after many recommendations from this blog. I enjoyed it a lot, and had a good time, but did ultimately have a tough time reading a book that sided with the villains. And at the end there was some truly horrifying body horror that I wasn’t prepared for. Those of you who’ve read it, how did those two aspects hit you? Did they bother you, or were you okay with them?

    1. Anonymous cat*

      I was actually going to post about Hench!
      I’ve read about a third of it and it’s a lot grimmer than I expected.
      I was going to ask if it ever gets less grim? But I’m guessing from your post it doesn’t?

      For fyi, I’ve read up to the part where she’s now working for a supervillain and he wants her to go to a kind of peace conference with the superheroes. She seems to be specializing in psychological warfare against superheroes.

      I’m trying to decide whether to soldier through or decide not to finish it and stop.

      1. Jackalope*

        I did enjoy it, and there were lighter bits. Her life gets happier. But the ending is… oof.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I think I’m the only person I’ve heard from who didn’t much care for Hench. I don’t even remember exactly why now, it’s been a minute, but it was as you say much grimmer than anticipated.

        1. word nerd*

          I didn’t like Hench either. Gave up maybe around the 20-25% mark? I think the premise just didn’t really make sense to me or work for me. I don’t speak up when everyone gushes about it here because that seems unnecessary. :P

        2. EdgarAllanCat*

          I gave up on Hench about 1/2 way. Love the premise but the grimness was too much for me.

      3. Person from the Resume*

        I kind of enjoyed it, but I was bothered that the MC became such a villain and villain enabler.

        Her point about superhero collateral damage was good until she participated in the kidnapping and terrorizing of a boy (his finger(s) was cut off) on TV. And also she should have wound up in jail for that. <— The superhero (who was not really a nice guy) wants to put her in jail and can’t, but I think it’s a huge plot hole that she was on Tv participating in this crime and didn’t end up in jail.

        Did not enjoy watching a decent person become a terrible person. Not really a humorous read for me.

    2. tuesday next*

      I did read Hench, and enjoyed it. It was some time ago, so I’ve forgotten a lot. What I liked about it was that the heroes had collateral damage in their heroic efforts which turned people towards the villains. I generally enjoy books with a lot of grey in them – the villains aren’t pure evil and the heroes aren’t purely good. I also enjoyed that the author very casually set up a world with a lot of diversity, and dealt with it in a very matter-of-fact way. It’s not “my gay friend X did that”, but “my friend X did that” and you find out 20 or a hundred pages later that X (male) had a husband. Or so-and-so in NB. And it’s no big deal. I read it a few years ago, and don’t recall the specifics of the ending, other than the author left herself open to another book. I’m also pretty quick to skim/skip bits that I don’t like, so I might have skimmed the horror.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      I finished “The Daydreams” by Laura Hanken, which is about a teen TV show that goes off the rails during a live season finale and then the reunion show years later when all the teen stars are adults with very different lives. I am a sucker for books about TV, and this had great, compelling characters.

      I just started “A Special Place for Women”, also by Laura Hanken.

    5. English Rose*

      I did enjoy Hench, all of it, and I thought the ending was… apt.
      But talking of endings, this week I read Small Pleasures by Clare Chambers. A brilliantly written book about a single female journalist, Jean, living in 1950s England. She investigates the story of a potential immaculate conception, and forms a friendship with the family involved – mother and daughter, and the husband/stepfather, Howard. It is part mystery story, part romance, part comedy of manners. I became entirely engrossed in it. But without giving anything away, the ending was horrible. So I’m not sure I would recommend it.

    6. Loopy*

      I am struggling to get into Witch King by Martha Wells. I’ve loved several other series she’s done but the characters are just not grabbing me for this book. Has anyone else read it? Is it one of those books that totally becomes unputdownable later?

      1. EdgarAllanCat*

        I gave up on Witch King, too, about 1/3 of the way. Maybe my expectations were too high bc I heart MurderBot so much.

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I’ve heard it gets better but I couldn’t get through it either. I’m going to try again in fall/winter after I’m done with lighter summer reading. I thought it was interesting but just couldn’t get into it. I don’t read much fantasy in general, either.

      2. SaraK*

        I read it and enjoyed it. It reminded me a little of her Raksura novels (multi culture/species, complex, long history, world) and a little of the final trilogy of her Il Rien novels. If you are reading it because of the Murderbot books, it’s not much like them (except that it shares her general focus on world building, and complex characters who feel out of step with those around them but are trying to do ‘good’ regardless).

    7. word nerd*

      A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan has come up here before. I really liked the first one, I was somewhat bored by the second, and then I went crazy on books 3-5 this week, reading them in just a couple days. Loved how the books built on each other and came together in the end to form a very satisfying series arc overall with plot and character development.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m one who frequently recommends them, and yeah, I picked up the first one on vacation and then blew through the whole series in like a day and a half.

    8. Tiny clay insects*

      I was really enjoying Hench, but the body horror at the end was too much for me. I don’t think I understand the point of the vast amount of descriptions of what happens to that character. It felt gratuitous. And the final ending then somehow felt a bit rushed.

    9. Atheist Nun*

      The last book I finished was Jodi Picoult’s The Book of Two Ways, which piqued my interest because of the Egyptology angle. I liked that part and really enjoyed the description of what a death doula does–I think that is important, fascinating work. I knew going in, of course, that the book would be sentimental, popular fiction, so I was somewhat prepared for the mawkish tone of the writing. I was not, however, prepared for or appreciative of the casual fatphobia and the selfishness of the narrator, who seems completely unaware of her privilege.

      Now I am reading Rebecca Solnit’s The Mother of All Questions, which is fantastic.

    10. CTT*

      I just finished “The Lost Family: How DNA Testing is Upending Who We Are” which I wanted to like more than I did. Part of the issue was how it was structured (it was a little all over the place) but the more frustrating part was that it had been excerpted in the Washington Post, and the excerpt was a shortened version of one of the stories that is told over the whole book, and it’s a really fascinating and moving story, but I already knew how it ended! So to have that slowly told throughout the book was anticlimactic.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Hench: Both of those bugged me. I don’t like body horror, and definitely had a recurring “But you could NOT kidnap the mayor’s son.”

      Like, if you’re threatening to cut off my finger because I am a useful bystander in your plot to do something or other, and I manage to kill you while escaping to preserve my finger, I don’t think “So Falling’s finger is worth the life of a hench!” is a fair take on that. Do not kidnap me and threaten my body parts, and this whole problem won’t arise. Though one could take this as the book playing fair with villainy–it’s actually villainous.

      I did not care for the late-arriving romance element, as I find will-they-won’t-they grating. You can just be professional colleagues who respect each other’s skills!

      1. Jackalope*

        Yeah, I thought her analysis idea of collateral damage was generally good, but the finger one was not such a good example. Had I been watching this as a bystander, for example, I wouldn’t have assumed that the villain was going to stop with one finger. That’s kind of the point of an escalating threat, no? So I would have considered this to be saving the child’s life, even if things were just starting with a finger.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      I really liked both What If books. In the second, I like the author’s point about how kids will just ask a straightforward question like the soup, which is really fascinating to delve into, while adults try to get over elaborate with “considering special relativity but not general.” (Spoiler: filling the solar system with soup turns out poorly.)

      A book I’m looking forward to in November, from Munroe’s fellow nerdy cartoonists Kelly and Zach Weisensmith: A City on Mars, about the problems of colonizing space. Which I’ve become more interested in these past years, as visions of a Star-Trek-like future has become less an abundance mindset (“To explore strange new worlds” etc), and more “If we screw up Earth how hard could it be to just colonize Mars and Luna and start over from scratch with a biome?” (Very very difficult, especially without Earth to fall back on.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Mary Roach’s Space covers that, pointing out that humans evolved for a very, very specific environment that is impossible to fully replicate.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I love Randall Munroe, too; the “What If” books are awesome, and hilarious!

        I’ve followed Zach Weinersmith’s “Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal” cartoons for ages, and have picked up several of his collections – and I’m looking forward to A City on Mars quite a lot. (I have “Bea Wolf” in my to-be-read queue as well; “Beowulf” from the viewpoint of grade-school kids…)

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      I am reading The Road to Roswell by Connie Willis, about someone who does not believe in alien abductions but gets kidnapped by an alien anyhow. So far I’m into it.

      Willis has written some of my favorite books (e.g. To Say Nothing of the Dog, Bellwether), but I really didn’t get into the duology set in WW2–why not just write a story about that, without the time travel aspect?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Willis has written several time travel books, all set in Oxford–she actually started with the novella Fire Watch. Others set there are Doomsday Book and To Say Nothing of the Dog. Blackout/All Clear are specific to the Blitz, where the others touch on it more personally or in the case of Doomsday Book, involve travel back to the Black Death.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I really like Doomsday Book and To Say Nothing of the Dog; both had reasons to be about a historian time traveling back to another era.

          I didn’t get that with Blackout. (I gave up on AllClear after multiple attempts to get out of the first chapter.) It seemed like it was a story of life in the Blitz, but with this awkward framing of how a historian might view it rather than simply how a person living it as their only timeline might view it.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Blackout/All Clear – I loved the books, with the time-travel aspect adding some layers to the rest of the potential trauma and suspense of that place and time. But when I read the first one I’d had no warning at all that it was “part 1”, so when I got to the end and found that the story was FAR from finished I nearly hurled the book across the room! (I never do that to books, but I came close.)

    14. Elizabeth West*

      I finally read The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi and loved it. I especially love how he leaves the description of the kaiju extremely vague, so you get to fill in the details with your imagination. It would make a great movie, but to depict the kaiju visually would ruin it, I think — everyone has their own idea of what they would look like. In my mind, Bella looks like Hedorah. :)

    15. sagewhiz*

      Central Park West! Not only was former US FBI Director James Comey a great top cop, turns out he’s one helluva novelist. Starting off I thought I should create a whiteboard filled with all the very many characters, with different color marker lines to connect all the whos to the whos, like on all the cop shows. Fast paced and a fun read. Extra, unexpected cred for one of the lead characters struggling with her own sexuality.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thanks to those of you who recommended “Legends & Lattes”— I finally made it though the library reserve list for the audio book. Such whimsical fun. And my teenager traded a deep-clean of the bathroom for listening to the download on my phone LOL!

      I also read Rosemary & Rue by Seanan McGuire… practically inhaled it to be quite honest. It’s a treat for those of us who like fairy tale characters brought into the modern day.

      Next up, the teen has handed me Gideon The Ninth. The cover is not one I would have picked up on my own but I want to try what the kid’s enjoying.

    17. Rainy*

      I just finished a delightful gay Regency (Band Sinister) by a new-t0-me author, KJ Charles, and I just started The Maiden Bride by Rexanne Becnel, which is set during the reign of Stephen of Blois. Couldn’t comment yet, I’m only a chapter or two in. I’m also waiting on a recently-ordered copy of Paper Trails by Cameron Blevins, which is about how the American West was influenced by the operation of the US post. I have an interest in the crime of mail fraud and according to Mr Rainy there’s a great section on mail fraud in it.

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Omg, congrats on being inducted into the ridiculous world of KJC books, and thank you for reminding me that it’s been long enough that I can now reread my favorites! A friend of mine introduced me to them last year and I tore through one a day for a few weeks. A very hit-or-miss author IMO, but the best ones are so fun! I’m off to go see if Any Old Diamonds or Rag & Bone are available from the library…

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Oops, VERY IMPORTANT CORRECTION, Rag & Bone it turns out is one of the ones I think is not good– Unfit to Print is the one I was thinking of and it’s delightful.

    18. Bluebell*

      I finished American Mermaid this week. I liked the story within a story much more than the frame, but it was still worthwhile. And I think it would be a fun movie. Then I zipped through Never Look Back by Alison Gaylin. Last night I started The Adventures of Amina Al Sarafi and am enjoying it so far.

    19. Angstrom*

      “Strange Practice” by Vivian Shaw. Hero is young woman who’s a doctor for the undead in London. Fun, well done.

    20. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Stopped by a library bookstore and got some paperback mysteries to re-read. Finished Agatha Christie’s *Parker Pyne Investigates*, which was perfect for when I was feeling a little oogy, as it is a bunch of short stories. Next up, a collection of Poirot short stories, *The Labors of Hercules*.

      1. allathian*

        You’re in for a treat with those. Granted, the gimmick of the Labors is a bit, well, gimmicky, IMO, but if you can ignore that, they’re fun.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        P.S. Content note on *Parker Pyne Investigates* for a couple of instances of racist language.

    21. carcinization*

      I just read Hench a couple of months back due to this site, and I LOVED it, so much so that I’m going to see if a new speculative fiction book club I’m going to participate in now will consider it as a selection. The “body horror” wasn’t my particular favorite thing but I’ve read things that were more gruesome from time to time, I guess. As for “siding with the villains,” I thought that a large part of the book was devoted to the “heroes” actually causing much more damage and carnage than villains ever did, like, figuring that out was a big part of how the protagonist spent her time for awhile, so I guess there could be a philosophical discussion about who the “villains” really are in that case then? I’m of course not saying that’s realistic at all, I’m just saying that that’s how the situation seemed to be portrayed in the made-up world of the book.

      (I’ll comment on what I’m currently reading later in-thread I guess.)

    22. Hiring Mgr*

      I really enjoyed Yellowface, which is about an author who steals an Asian friend’s manuscript and passes it off as her own

    23. vombatus ursinus*

      I enjoyed HENCH a lot. I guess the “siding with the villains” didn’t bother me too much because a) I saw Anna as a bit of an anti-hero anyway — I don’t think we were necessarily meant to see her as good, just relatable, b) the picture painted of the superheroes in that world was actually that they *weren’t* truly “good” or helping the world, and c) you can read it as a bit of a comment on the nigh-impossibility of finding ethical work under capitalism.

      Having said that! Sometimes a plot point or other aspect of a book just doesn’t sit right with you, and that’s totally legitimate!

      It’s been a little while since I read the book and I can’t specifically remember what the body horror you’re referring to would have been. But yeah, I do remember there being some quite gnarly injuries so I get where you’re coming from.

      This week I have been reading BABEL by R.F. Kuang. It’s quite a long novel and I think I’m about 60% through. There are some choices the author has made that are grating on me a bit (footnotes, repetitiveness, characters a bit thin), but the plot is engaging enough that I want to keep going! I’m still on the fence about how effective the treatment of the broader themes about colonialism and academia’s complicity in it will end up being, but overall I think it’s a topic very worthy of being tackled in this format, so good on her.

    24. GoryDetails*

      Re Hench: I loved the book, and while the villain-protagonist aspect was sometimes troublesome, for the most part it felt like reasonable reactions to the draconian crimes of the “good guys”. The body-horror bit… I mean, I read a lot of horror, and while body-horror isn’t my favorite flavor, I do have some tolerance for it. In this case it was mind-bendingly awful, and yet SOOO appropriate under the circumstances – with so few options for dealing with a super-indestructo-person in any other way – that overall I was rather pleased with it. I hadn’t imagined that as a tactic, and I like being surprised-by-plot…

      The way our heroine was able to cold-bloodedly use her auditing and research powers to isolate and manipulate targets was rather chilling, and yet such an effective and unusual spin on a superhero that I give the author full credit!

      But, yeah, it’s not bright-wacky-fun superhero stuff, not at all…

    25. Jammin'*

      I’m reading Hello Beautiful by Anne Napolitano. I’m about halfway thru. and so far it’s a decent read but put-downable.
      Before that, I read a few of CJ Box’s Cassie Dewell series.

  18. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share whatever you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working my way through Stardew Valley. I’ve just started my third year, and things are going really well. I’m away from home for the weekend, though, and kind of glad to get a break because it’s super addictive.

    1. SparklingBlue*

      Been watching for info on the Super Mario RPG remaster or when the Pokemon Scarlet and Violet DLC come out.

    3. NotAMimic*

      Session 1 of a new, hopefully monthly, DND campaign is this afternoon.

      I’m very excited to be running a game in person for once (and able to use some of the stuff from kickstarters we’ve backed).

      I’m also nervous. One person in the group has never played DnD before and is so excited and so I really want to be sure they have a good time.

    4. fposte*

      There has been a recent revival of my beloved Godus. It’s also many people’s hated Godus, since the dev made big promises that never got fulfilled, even after a Kickstarter campaign. But it’s such a pretty sandbox that I could never really care about that. And now it’s reanimated, and delightful new things are being added, including lovely little sheep that baa very sweetly and scamper if you poke them.

    5. DrKMnO4*

      Stardew Valley is so addictive. I’ve started yet another playthrough (don’t even ask how many I’ve done, I couldn’t even begin to tell you). This time my goal was to complete the Community Center in Year 1, which I managed to accomplish. I’m looking forward to the 1.6 update.

      I’m also playing a fair bit of Destiny 2. There is fishing this season! I’m really enjoying it.

      I’m also playing Fate Grand Order (a mobile game). My husband and some of our friends got me into it. I like it, and I’m quite far in considering that I’ve only been playing for 8 months. I’m into the newest story chapters already. For reference, the game has been out in NA for 6 years.

        1. Jackalope*

          I play pinochle but that was intense enough to learn that I haven’t branched out to bridge yet.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Guild Wars 2… I ran my first fractals and now I have no inventory space LOL.

      I also decided one character to focus in and have her at 90% map completion… then found there’s a few ranger pets that come from the original Guild Wars. No idea yet if I can do that for a character who started in GW2!

    7. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Dinking around making friends and doing side cases in Judgment. The Serious Crime Drama part of this game is super serious and the bananapants side stuff is… I just beat up a serial groper named Ass Catchem, does that tell you what we’re dealing with here

    8. No name yet*

      Looking for video game suggestions: my 8 yo would like a game that involves strategy/warfare/resource management, he’s enjoying the board game Catan Jr, and likes what the Clash of Clans iPad ad looks like. We have a Switch and iPad, and older PCs (would prefer Switch/iPad). The catches: he’s absolutely not old enough to play online with/against other actual people, and he has very low frustration tolerance – so if it’s not fairly easy or he gets stuck, he gets very upset very quickly (we’re working on that, but for now it is what it is). We tried Civilization 6 (I enjoyed v1 when it came out), and he enjoyed the gameplay but it was just too complicated and hard for him. I’m a very casual gamer (always enjoy reading this weekend thread!), so can help a bit, but not that much. Any ideas???

      1. Mrs Columbo*

        Have you tried Battle of Polytopia? Probably a little lighter on the resource management, and the “warfare” is individual units, not companies, but I love the strategy side of it! You can select the difficulty level and number of opponents; and you can play against the computer, or set a multiplayer mode for playing with live people you are sitting beside, or just playing all the sides at once. (There is also an online mode; not sure if you’re able to disable that.) https://polytopia.io/

      2. Snell*

        Have you taken a look at Factorio? That one’s heavy on the management aspect, there’s a bit of combat, and I think it could be a really good fit for what you described. It has (entirely cooperative) multiplayer if that’s something you and kiddo would enjoy together.

    9. Mrs Columbo*

      I love Stardew Valley! As others on here, I have so many run-throughs of that one.

      I meant to play some Wylde Flowers today, but spent my time doing a deep dive into this site instead. :D Might still get in a gameday or two.

      Have also started Shadows Over Loathing. (It’s just as good as, maybe a bit better than, the other Loathing games.)

    10. SaraK*

      Started Planet of Lana; a very sweet platformer where you play as a child whose village has been abducted by aliens. It has beautiful graphics and an engaging story that gradually opens up as you play. The puzzles are interesting without being super hard. My only gripe with it is that it’s been designed for a controller and ported to PC and there’s no way (yet) to re-assign keybinds so I’m a left handed player playing with right handed keybinds. The developers say they are going to address this in a later patch but at the moment it’s just annoying and makes me stop playing after about 30 mins

  19. Probable New Car Buyer*

    I’m planning to buy a new car in the near future and a safety feature I think I want is “Blind Spot Warning” (BSW). (It is combined with another feature called “Rear Cross-Traffic Alert” (RCTA). BSW provides a warning to let you know that there is another car to the side and the rear of your car. RCTA lets you know when traffic is approaching from the side when you are backing out of a parking space. The feature is recommended by Consumer Reports magazine.

    Have any of you had any experience with driving a car with this feature? Do your find it to be helpful? Or do you find it to be an annoying “safety nanny”?

    1. California Dreamin’*

      My car has all the bells and whistles, so I have experience with these. The two you mentioned are good features that I don’t find overly intrusive (the cross-traffic warning has alerted me a couple times when I was backing slowly out of my driveway and a car was flying down the street.). The only time the blind spot one is bothersome is when you’re in heavy traffic because there’s always going to be a car in your blind spot, and when you try to make a lane change, even though you’re well aware of the car next to you and you’re just trying to fit in between cars, your car doesn’t like that and will be beeping like crazy. The one I really don’t care for is the lane assist technology where it beeps at you if you start to go over the lane line when your signal isn’t on. I turned that off on my car because it was just too annoying. My husband’s Tesla has a loud alert when it decides that you haven’t noticed the car in front of you braking, and that one is so loud and startling! Of course, all of these could save you from a collision, which is awesome, but it does add up to a lot of beeping that you have to get used to.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I agree with all of this, good and bad.

        “LANE DEPARTURE!” No, it’s a construction zone and there’s a line in the road. One drive I was going through so much construction and the lane departure warning went off so many times that my car told me I was clearly falling asleep at the wheel due to my inability to stay in my lane and I should stop and take a nap. That ticked me off and stressed me out and I wish it was easier to turn it off at least temporarily.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Also my (Honda) blind spot warning only beeps if I turn on my turn signal to go in that direction. Otherwise it’s just a quiet light in my rear view mirror on the applicable side.

        2. RussianInTexas*

          My car tells me I should take a break after two hours of driving regardless of the road condition.
          No car, my regular out of town drive is 3 hours!

      2. Missb*

        My car overrides the lane assist if I signal. This happens mostly when I am on a two lane road and there is a bicyclist or pedestrian and I want to give them more room. If I signal then the lane assist ignores me crossing the center line.

        The feature I find funny is the one that detects that traffic is moving and wants to remind me that I can go. If I’m letting someone in, I don’t need a prompt to resume driving, lol. AI isn’t quite there but these tools are generally helpful.

      3. Sloanicota*

        My lord there was one rental car with lane assist in a remote area that almost drove me mad. I think it was confused because we were driving on a lot of windy roads with no center lane. It beeped just about every time the road curved. It was a road trip of probably 50 hours of driving. I believe I pulled over to go through the book and figure out how to turn it off, because one of us had to go.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Id If my car also beeped with the lane assist instead of vibrating the steering wheel, I would probably go nuts by now.

        2. Roland*

          Last car I rented was in Iceland – every time the road curved left it would “helpfully” help turn the wheel to the left. And then beep that we were too close to the left and should be further to the right. And bc Iceland, this was all on narrow roads with only one lane for each direction, so straying over the median could mean a collision with car going 90-100 kph in the opposite direction.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        The rear cross-traffic alert is really useful, to the extent that it would be hard to adapt back to a car that doesn’t have it.

        The lane departure alert is really annoying and I have to figure out how to turn it off whenever it gets turned on. “I pulled over the center line because there is no oncoming traffic and there is a dogwalker, person checking their mail, bicyclist, etc on the right of my lane.”

    2. FrontlinER*

      I just bought a 2024 Subaru Outback like 2 weeks ago and it has this! It has really helped in some situations like when the cars on either side are hard to see around while reversing. I overall like it!! It does sense some things that aren’t there and makes an annoying noise, but usually resolves itself pretty quick.

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      I wish my car had Blind Spot Warning. It has front collision warning, which I think typically goes off too late. I’m nearly always aware of what it’s warning me about, and the beeping is an extra stressor. (Also, it’s supposed to actively use the breaks to prevent a collision, but again, it seems like it happens later than I would like, and I wouldn’t rely on it actually working.) My car also has Lane-Keep Assist, so it beeps whenever I stray out of a marked lane. I find this useful when I’m using adaptive cruise control, but I have to turn it off when I’m driving rural roads because it will go off all the time, and some of the roads I drive regularly are one single car-width wide.

    4. Missb*

      I have an electric Volvo with both features.

      I don’t notice the blind spot one that much because I’m rarely on the freeway. It’s not overly intrusive but I feel better having it.

      The rear cross traffic feature is super helpful. My garage is tiny and I have very little visual clearance for traffic backing out of my driveway. That’s the only time it annoys me; with my window down and all systems off, I can clearly hear a car coming. By the time the car triggers the warning, I’ve already braked and am waiting for the other car to pass.

      But in a parking lot? That thing is golden. I still look all around as if I didn’t have a backup camera- super hard to suppress those habits- but the rear cross traffic system sees vehicles in a parking lot before I can detect them because even with my head on a swivel, I can miss them.

      I also love the lane departure feature and the collision warning one. I get slightly irritated when the car in front is turning to the right and will clearly be out of my path before I get there and the warning triggers. It only happens if I’m going uphill and the car is turning right, so their detection system is a bit off (overly protective). It hasn’t braked on me yet though so other than a suddenly red dash, no annoyance like improper auto braking.

      Both my car and dh’s truck seem to have issues with backing out of my brother’s steep driveway at night. The sensors can’t quite figure out the sudden grade change. Mine will auto brake on me unless I creep super slow.

      Any of these features are helpful imho.

    5. fposte*

      I love them, but then I generally love safety bells and whistles. The one thing I had to learn to deal with was a feature that I’m not sure the name of, maybe collision avoidance? It stops the car well before it encounters a solid object in front of it. And as a result, I got almost permanently, stuck in a big city, underground parking garage, because I needed to cut things closer than it wanted to allow me to. So I was trying to get away from the car on one side, and it come in at the necessary angle with the intention of then straightening up to pull my car away from the car next to me. And it did not have the tolerance to allow me close enough to the other car so that straightening it out would actually get me farther away from that car. So I kept creeping closer and closer and closer to the car next to me every time. And I’m sure there’s an override, but I was starting to panic and I couldn’t find it. (I also forgot that I could’ve just folded my side mirror, which is the real problem, back and gotten some side room that way.)

      Any rate, aside from that, I really love the blind spot warning, I really really love the rear cross traffic alert, and while I haven’t quite gotten to the point of turning off the lane departure assist, I agree that the false alarms on that are kind of annoying.

    7. Btdt*

      100 percent useful! as others have said, lane assist can be annoying but we just turn it off. but the 2 features you mentioned are great, I’ll never buy a car without them.

      personally I’d avoid/be wary of cars with climate controls or volume controls that can only be adjusted on screen. You have to look at them to change them, taking your eyes off the road. buttons/dials on the steering wheel and/or center console or gtfo in my opinion.

    8. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Probably an outlier, but I could take or leave the blind spot warning feature. The times when I most want it, like rainy days, it’s completely useless. Sometimes it randomly goes off on a street sign or traffic going in the other direction too. So I don’t trust it. The reverse alert is great though, it picks up pedestrians long before they’re in my line of sight.

    9. ThatGirl*

      I have a new Bolt with both and yes, they’re very helpful. The blind spot warning in mine is just a light on the side mirror, so easy to see but not obtrusive. The rcta beeps so I can stop when I’m backing up – but the camera detects the bush at the edge of the garage every day so I ignore that bit.

    10. Tommmmmorrow*

      I’ve used blind spot warning on rentals and it is helpful, especially with heavy highway traffic. There are ones that beep and ones that have a light on the outside mirror, I prefer the light. Between all the other safety features all the different beeps are distracting and hard to recognize.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I love my blind spot warning. Just remember that the alarm will only sound if you have your blinker on. You also usually can adjust how aggressive you want the distance to be depending on your driving style and the area you live in.
      Cross traffic alert is very useful too, especially since my car is a regular sedan, and in most places I park it gets surrounded by the ginormous long pickups and SUVs.
      The lane departure warning (in the dash and vibrating steering wheel) are more annoying than not for me, because I live in the area with a lot of road construction, and the lanes get moved and restriped constantly.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Also, in my car, the side mirrors will tilt down when you are backing out, to help you see curbs, objects, and small children, that are outside of the rear camera angle.

    12. Random Bystander*

      My son is currently renting a car with the rear camera and the alerts. (It’s unfortunate circumstances–someone tried to steal his car and completely wrecked the ignition switch and the lever for the windshield wipers, so his insurance is paying for this while his car is in the shop.) He found it pretty quick to get used to and doesn’t find the alerts intrusive. He’s convinced he’ll buy a car with the rear camera/RCTA when he buys his next vehicle; he wouldn’t object to having the BSW, but its absence wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. He still does the check himself before lane changing.

    13. Angstrom*

      I’ve found both to be useful and not intrusive.
      Both have been especially useful for an elderly family member with limited neck mobility.

    14. JR*

      I like both. The blind spot system doesn’t feel critical because I always look over my shoulder anyway, but it reassures me that I didn’t miss anything, and it’s saved me once or twice. It’s just a light, so not annoying at all. The backing out of a parking spot feature is annoying (loud tone), but has seriously saved me (or the pedestrian walking behind me!) multiple times. It’s great. I definitely wouldn’t want to buy a car without both.

    15. The teapots are on fire*

      I have a 2016 Mazda 3 with BSW and RCTA and it’s just excellent. No false alarms, never seems to miss an event. I love it.

    16. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I like the blind spot alert in the side view mirror. I hate things that beep at me – my husband’s car has the lane-alert feature and it drives.me.mad on narrow roads. And I admit I don’t always signal when I change lanes if there’s no one else on the road. STOP BEEPING AT ME.

      I like the cross-traffic alert – have had that in my last three cars and find it very useful.

    17. Christmas Carol*

      If you’re still in the kicking tires stage, once you narrowed the list of preferred models down to one or two, rent a copy for a few/days or a week and use it for the same regular driving you’re planning on doing with your new purchase. You’ll find out a lot more than just the 10 min pre plotted test drive the dealer will want to take you on. I can picture my car salesman boyfriend having a stroke when you try to change lanes in crowded midtown traffic while “just testing the blind spot monitor”

    18. Ampersand*

      My husband’s SUV has the blind spot warning and a rear camera, while my older car doesn’t. I much prefer the safety features on his car—it’s so weird to me now trying to back up without a camera! I feel like I have no idea what’s behind me and it feels less safe. Re: the blind spot warning, it’s helpful. I still always look when changing lanes regardless, though I appreciate the extra warning when needed. It does sometimes tell you when there’s a car or other object there that you don’t necessarily need to know about. Sometimes when I’m turning it will pick up the curb or median as an object and warn me when I’m in no danger of hitting it. Overall it’s a useful feature IMO, as long as you don’t rely on it too heavily or (as one of my friends has done, leading to accidents) disregard it altogether.

  20. Roland*

    My car theoretically has the blind spot warning. Hasn’t gone off once in the 6 months I’ve driven it. I miss the blind spot camera Hondas had for a while, I can’t believe they discontinued such a useful safety feature.

  21. Hatchet*

    I would like to start crocheting or knitting, but do not want or need to keep whatever I make.
    Are there any organizations that would take a specific kind of crocheted or knitted creation (simple enough for me to make at my beginner skill level)? Ideally something like Org X needs Y item, so therefore I make Y items. (I live in a warmer climate, so making scarves to set out in the winter isn’t an option.) I’m open to suggestions, even if it’s to say there’s nothing like this. Thanks!

      1. Nitpicker*

        +1. They collect and distribute handmade blankets for sick and traumatized children and teens. Much more information (including patterns) on their website. I usually crochet baby blankets (36”x36”) and a lovely volunteer picks them up. I think some regions have drop off points.

    2. Kat*

      Check to see if your local hospital takes crocheted octopuses for the NICU – they’re very useful for preemies

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        There are organisations which take knitted or crocheted hats for preemies too, so definitely check with your local hospital.

    3. Lexi Vipond*

      I tend to knit bears and hats (and very occasionally squares) for https://knit-a-square.com/ – but sometimes the postage costs get a bit silly, and you can probably find someone more local looking for some of the same things.

      (It was a mix of them turning up early in my first search, and having a lot of simple patterns, rather than any specific connection to them.)

    4. Still*

      I’m a beginner knitter and what I do is just knit to practice, and then rip the whole thing and re-use the wool. Realistically, it’s going to take me a while before I make anything good enough that anyone would want it. But this way I get a lot of practice and don’t need to spend money on new wool.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      My mom made hats for newborns through a hospital charity, which was quite a simple crochet design.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Yes! There are tons of charities that distribute knit or crochet items: for preemies, chemo patients, children or adults going through trauma, pets in animal shelters, homeless people, even people in war zones overseas.

      If you have a local yarn shop, classes, or crafter’s circle, that’s a great place to ask, or you could google your town +”charity knitting”.

      If you don’t find a local group, check out these national resources:

      https://blog.lionbrand.com/10-charities-for-knitters-and-crocheters/

    7. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      Knitted Knockers makes soft breast prosthetics for mastectomy patients. It’s all volunteers and not difficult.

    8. MaxKitty*

      The Red Scarf Project accepts scarves (from September through December) for Valentine’s care packages for former foster kids in college.

    9. NeutralJanet*

      I knit blankets for shelter animals, which is nice because it gives me loads of practice with different stitches. A lot of animal shelters accept blankets and other comfort items for the animals, you can try calling your local shelter.

    10. ronda*

      the one I do is Warm Up America. (they have a website, but it is not great about directing to local groups)
      Mine is done out of a local shop, the leader taught me to crochet.
      mostly make 7×9 blocks and now I am the person who does a lot of joining of those blocks.
      also have made whole blankets.
      the leader of the group then finds groups to give them to. ie shelters, foster care, etc

      the only requirement is using acrylic yarn because they want them to be washable.

  22. Adeline*

    Silly question about “Little House on the Prairie” (TV show). When Mary goes blind, she goes to Winoka to teach in the blind school. The Ingalls decide to move there too because Walnut Grove’s economy has dried up because of some issue with the railroad. All the businesses have closed, there are no jobs, farmers can’t sell their crops.

    So the Garveys and Olesons also move to Winoka. But everyone hates living in the big bad city and after a few months they all move back to Walnut Grove. But the town is still dead. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about the railroad issue being solved or anything like that. They move back, cut down the overgrown grass, clean the church/school and Voila! They’re a functioning town again! How did that happen?

    2. Mimmy*

      I’ve probably watched those episodes a dozen times and I don’t remember either lol.

    3. RagingADHD*

      What happened is they got a new contract. They wrote the “Walnut Grove is dead” storyline because the show was supposed to end. Then the ratings were so good that they got renewed.

      They didn’t want to completely retcon the end of Season 4, so they had a handful of episodes in Winoka with increasing conflicts to justify returning and reviving the town with the spirit of friendship. The only economic reality that mattered in the life of Walnut Grove was the show’s economics.

      The show had very little to do with the books other than character names. The book On The Banks of Plum Creek ends when Laura is nine years old, and then they move on to other places. Mary went blind im the next book, when they were living in South Dakota.

    4. Vanessa*

      Kind of an offshoot, but there is a great book called “prairie fires” that documents the true story of the family. It was a series of missteps. One I remember was that they left Wisconsin and moved to Minnesota with the promise of guaranteed farming success. The first season the locusts came and decimated everything up to the Mississippi.
      They didn’t often have enough resources to ride out the bet, and would either move on to the next sure thing or double back.

      1. RagingADHD*

        As a grownup, I have a lot of opinions about Pa as a real person vs an idealized character through the eyes of a small girl.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          LOL, yeah, “missteps” is certainly one word to use to describe Pa Ingalls’s family leadership.

          Second the recc for that Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder book, though.

        2. Rachel*

          SAME.

          I know people don’t like childhood nostalgia to be trifled with so I typically do not share them, but reading it as an adult is rough.

      2. Imtheone*

        Also good is Pioneer Girl, which links events in the Little House books to real world events — from local land disputes, arrest records, and the weather, and more.

      3. Chaordic One*

        A book that had a fair bit of gossip about the TV show and the related behind the scenes goings on was written by Alison Arngrim, who played Nellie Oleson. It is titled “Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated.” Maybe not a great read, but a good one. (Spoiler alert: It contains information about being sexually abused as a child by her own brother away from the show.)

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Magic!

      I find this kind of eliding over the issue used to fire the plot engine stuff really annoying. A week or so back I was complaining about an old epsiode of Remington Steele that was using Bad Day at Black Rock’s premise for its plot, but without bothering with the several huge, glaring issues generated by it.

    7. Lbd*

      We read the books when I was growing up, shortly before the TV series first aired. The earlier seasons were based fairly closely on the books, but later seasons became a sort of nostalgia/earlier time meets social issues of the day hybrid. Things like episodes about domestic violence and such.
      My favourite book of the series, and the only one that I have reread as an adult, was Farmer Boy, about the childhood of Almanso Wilder, Laura Ingalls’ husband. It is a lovely picture of day-to-day life of a farming family in that era, and the relationships amongst the family members.

      1. Imtheone*

        Pioneer Girl was the first, more factual, book. When Ingalls Wilder couldn’t get a publisher for Pioneer Girl, her daughter, Ross Wilder Lane, a published author, encouraged her to write a children’s novel. That led to Little House in the Big Woods and Farmer Boy, which were meant to be stand alone novels. Interest from publishers led to the subsequent novels.

  23. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Update to a question I asked in a preview Weekend thread: I decided to go with NetNewsWire as an RSS reader on MacOS. Does what I want, runs locally without me needing to create an account, and, as a bonus, very easy to navigate using a keyboard rather than a mouse while I’m reading through things.

    (I came across a Mastodon post where someone was asking about MacOS RSS readers, which is how I found out about it. I should probably sign up for a Mastodon account, but I keep getting caught in a loop of “actually, I should just run my own Mastodon server, hrrm, I need to figure out the following list of other tech things first before spinning that up…” and not signing up. Being able to subscribe to people’s Mastodons via RSS was part of why I needed an RSS reader, because I was checking too many bookmarks to see if people had started using their mostly-abandoned accounts.)

    1. David*

      Mastodon shoutout :-)

      FWIW I thought about running my own server when I first joined, and then I decided to start out on one of the larger servers, and it’s been pleasant and smooth enough that I don’t feel any particular pressure to start up my own server. And from what I hear, running a server is not the easiest thing to do – I mean, certainly not out of reach for the kind of person who isn’t intimidated by the idea of running their own server for something, but it can be kind of a pain to configure and maintain everything. I think I’m content in the knowledge that I *could* do it if I wanted/needed to. So I’m in the camp of just going for it. Not that the same decision will necessarily make sense for you, but consider this a piece of evidence that weighs slightly in favor of signing up.

      Maybe think about it like this: say that, at some time in the future, you are going to start your own Mastodon server. Between now and that time, you have the choice of participating in Mastodon (by signing up on an existing server) or not participating. How you feel about that choice?

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’m an Internet Old, basically, and I’ve been burned too many times.

        I’m going to skip over most of the 90s here, and start with the forum culture of the late 90s-very early 200os.

        In those days, you had accounts on a ton of fan-of-specific-thing forums, where you’d make friends with your fellow forum-goers, gradually level up by forum title, and make yourself a little home. Then the admin would have have a Life Moment and delete the forum, and you’d lose all of your friends and all of your posts.

        Then we all got LiveJournals, to help deal with the forums randomly going away so we’d have a second point of contact! I was hesitant, because I’d been burned by signing up for things enough times by then, but Brad seemed like a reasonably good dude, he said all of the right things about Open Source and had a business model based on subscriptions for extra benefits rather than ads, so it seemed like it’d be stable and not get caught up in in the cycle of suck like most internet hive sites. I posted there gradually more and more over the years, even volunteered with them for a while. Brad was a pretty decent guy, really, I met him quite a few times at monthly LiveJournal meetups, literally got the t-shirt. This was going to be ok! I got cozy, I made a lot of friends, I kept a lot of personal information in private posts in my permanent LiveJournal account since it seemed like a nice, stable trustworthy place where it’d be easy to track things over time and find them later.

        So anyway, the Russians now have multiple years of my menstrual tracking data and my entire mailing address book from that era, because Brad fucking sold us out.

        So I’m not going to join a Mastodon server, because I’m getting “forum admin who means well” vibes from most of the smaller servers, and I just generally don’t sign up for things anymore. (I don’t do social media – I made a brief attempt at Twitter a very long time ago, never signed up for Facebook or any of the newer services, don’t have a personal Google account, let my old Yahoo account die. I have one old school forum account left, and I post comments here and on a few other blogs, but I just decided that Web 2.0 could pretty much go screw.)

  24. Bobina*

    TV Thread?
    I’m super late to the game on this but just started watching The Traitors (UK) and it is so much fun. I feel like it really highlights how paranoia and group thinking can really sway peoples opinions!

    I’m not usually one for reality TV or game shows, but this feels more like watching human psychology in action :D

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I just started Afterparty on Apple, in which someone dies and each episode retells the events of the night from a different perspective, and in a different style. So one witness sees their life and the night’s events as a romantic comedy, another as a musical, etc. So far really delightful.

      It has Tiya Sirkar from The Good Place as Jen 1, which explains why I am instinctively terrified of the character.

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        After Party is fun. The first season was good, and I’ve only watched the first episode of season two, so far, but that episode is a total hilarious trainwreck for one of the characters (not named for spoiler purposes).

    2. Anonymous cat*

      I’ve been watching So Help Me Todd and liking it more than I expected. It’s the usual cutesy buddy detective story but it’s also charming watching how the lawyer and her son become closer (instead of just fussing at each other) and also seeing a portrayal of an older woman who’s still active in the world without being a harpy.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Ahhh, want that so bad! But we’re still waiting for Season 3 to be released on blu-ray; we don’t want to pay to watch the episodes and then for the discs.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This show is consistently good — I can’t think of a single episode I didn’t enjoy.

      3. carcinization*

        Literally the only current scripted television show that I watch on actual TV right now (I watch one other one on a streaming service), but I haven’t seen Friday’s episode yet, can’t wait!

    4. the cat's ass*

      Watching the Korean rom-com King the Land on Netflix. Fluffy but beautiful and funny as it spotlights the inheritance fight between the brother and sister who are heirs to a Hotel conglomerate and also the relationship between the brother and one of the employees.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        I’m also watching that!

        It’s as you say, elevated by the high acting qualities of the lead and supporting actors (especially the male lead).

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have finally gotten my family watching Dr. Who! I received Tom Baker seasons on DVD for Christmas and we’re watching it as a weeknight thing –we can do an episode if it’s a busy night or all 4 inn a story arc if time allows!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, love those Tom Baker episodes (though Jon Pertwee is my absolute favorite)! Enjoy!

    6. RussianInTexas*

      New season of Star Trek: Strange New World, which is really nice after the slow moving disaster of Picard.
      Just finished the re-watch of Eureka, which I absolutely adore.
      And catching up with McDonalds & Dodds on Britbox. If you like Midsommer Murders and the like, check it out!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        LOVE Midsommmer Murders! I’d watch it on Amazon and check off my mental bingo card: Full moon, skulking figure in bushes wearing gloves, character staring bemusedly at large and shiny knife…

    7. Straight Laced Sue*

      I’ve heard the same thing from my partner and a friend. I won’t watch it myself because unfortunately I can’t watch anything high octane, it makes me stressed. (That rules out a LOT of good TV!)

      I’m glued to the very comforting Great British Sewing Bee (only half way through though – no spoilers please….), and the Australian show Five Bedrooms.

      Also slogging through all series of Star Trek: The Next Generation, alternately enjoying it’s frequent brilliance and fast forwarding through “oh god NO!” sexism and racism. Determined to work my way through all of Star Trek from TNG onwards. (Well, almost all. The worst offenders get skipped.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Heh, I loved the Battlestar Galactica reboot, but I’d get so involved and stressed I couldn’t sleep–I’d lay in bed with my heart pounding over wholly imaginary characters!

      2. Bookworm in Stitches*

        I’d love to watch the Great British Sewing Bee! I’m in the US, wish it was on the US Britbox.

      3. Goldfeesh*

        So you’re going to skip all of Enterprise? At least TNG sexism and racism wasn’t half as intentional as Enterprise. It felt directed to male fanboys from day one. The Vulcan woman was purely just for the boys- to me she was worse and more egregious than 7 of 9. I never finished the first half-season of Enterprise.

    8. Bluebell*

      Finished Season two of the Bear. It was just so satisfying. Unfortunately we also finished season one of The Big Door prize and were wildly unthrilled by the last episode. The new Michelle Buteau series Survival of the Thickest is fun, and so body positive. And Peppermint has a supporting role.

    9. Stuckinacrazyjob*

      We started What We Do in the Shadows again. I’m hoping Zom 100 continues to be good

    10. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Season 2 of Foundation just started on AppleTV.

      It’s a (very loose) adaptation of Asimov’s Foundation trilogy. Good, if you can deal with the large deviations from the book. I’m not sure that someone who hasn’t read the trilogy can really follow it as written.

    11. chocolate muffins*

      Almost done with Ted Lasso season 3, which to me is much worse than the first two seasons but still enjoyable. I wonder what others thought of this season. Also curious if any of you have watched shows that get better with time; in my experience shows that start off fabulous to have worse seasons later on.

      1. Annie Edison*

        I quite enjoyed season 3 for what it was – a happy fluffy feel good show that I could count on to leave me feeling happier than I was when I started the episode. I agree though, season 1 was definitely the strongest

        The Good Place is the first show that comes to mind that started strong and then got better as it went along. It’s one of the few shows that I feel really stuck the landing all the way through to the end

        1. chocolate muffins*

          You are totally right about The Good Place. That finale was special in the best way.

      2. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Nearly done with Ted Lasso, just one episode left. This season was way too cheesy for my taste, and the moments of fun I did have didn’t quite redeem it completely.

        I think it started out as a comedy with an original premise and humour, and then, as the series made it big and the feel-good aspects became what viewers most talked about, the next two seasons overplayed that side. And there are a few moments that are well-intentioned but don’t quite get the message right (Rebecca and Keeley’s conversation about love-bombing, or the way the footballers react to the revenge porn episode).

        To your other question: the show that got better with time for me was The Americans. I always liked it, but found later seasons more gripping. Possibly because they started to reference times in history I was more familiar with, and the soundtrack got better and better (love the use of music on that series!).

    12. allathian*

      We just watched the last season of Endeavour. I loved this fairly slow-paced British TV show (Inspector Morse prequel). Great acting and production values, as well as plausible and interesting stories.

      We’re introducing our teenager to Star Trek, currently watching Voyager on Netflix. Voyager has long been my least favorite Trek show, but this time I’m enjoying it more for what it was (TNG lite) than blaming it for what it wasn’t (a truly serial show where they’d really face the consequences of being stranded 70 years from home, rather than having the ship shot to pieces in one episode and fixed like brand new the next, and with the crew totally unfazed by whatever happened to them). Apparently Ronald D. Moore was so fed up with the UPN executives who didn’t allow him to write a more serial show that he went and made the Battlestar Galactica remake to show that it could be done…

  25. Goose*

    Has anyone successfully gotten pre-authorization for a surgery by themselves? I am scheduling top surgery (yay!) through a clinic who does not take any insurance and does not submit pre-authorization for you. According to my insurance, I can still get out of network coverage. I can’t figure out how to submit the paperwork myself.

    2. WellRed*

      Does your insurer have someone that can walk you through the process? I admit to being confused though. If the clinic doesn’t accept ANY insurance, how will this work? My understanding was patients are responsible for submitting claims and getting reimbursed from the insurer themselves when the medical provider doesn’t accept insurance.

    3. Scout*

      If it’s out of network, you don’t need a prior auth. The clinic will give you a superbill that you can submit to your insurance for out of network coverage.

      1. HoundMom*

        That is not true for surgery. It is true for office visits and mental health outpatient therapy. Surgeries generally have to have prior auth and OON care is done by the patient.

        No care can be provided under the medical plan that is not considered necessary. Top and bottom surgery often have pre-requirements such as counseling, hormone therapy. The other issue is what CPT codes your carrier will accept for this surgery. If the codes are not correct on the bill, the surgery will be denied.

        To get started, ask your carrier for a claim advocate. If the customer service does not know how to get you there, touch base with HR. The health broker can connect you.

        In the US, this is a $250,000 surgery, so please be sure you have some coverage.

        BTW, Aetna and Cigna have specific advocates in this space.

        1. trans anon*

          Wow, no, top surgery in the US does not cost $250,000— where are you getting that number from? In the last 10 years or so, it’s generally run around $10-20k. Mine was $20k and every resource I can find suggests that it’s gotten significantly cheaper since then (like $6-8k).

          Also, the types of clinics that don’t take insurance generally don’t have those requirements about hormones or counselling, that’s the whole point: those are bureaucratic requirements imposed by insurance companies, not medical requirements. By not going through insurance, the clinic can just offer the surgery on an informed consent basis (as it should be). Insurance agreeing to cover that as an out-of-network cost certainly hasn’t been the norm, but it would be a positive change, and I trust the poster knows their situation.

          1. Goose*

            My surgery has been estimated at about 14k, but I’ll get the final numbers soon.

            From my one call so far with my insurance, they seemed confident I could submit it as an out of network provider with the proper codes (and I have a therapist to prove gender dysphoria if needed) . I just need advice on where to look for the proper forms!

        2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          Also, in addition to preauth, some insurance companies may require a second opinion for surgery.

          Right after we were married (too many years ago), my wife had surgery for a fibroid removal. Insurance company balked because it was billed as a partial mastectomy, which required a second opinion. Had to file an appeal before they paid.

        3. Anongyn*

          My son had the surgery 2 years ago.It was $8500 as an outpatient
          I am a surgeon and I can think of very few surgeries that would approach $250,000
          I do absolutely agree with asking your insurance to walk you through.

    4. Grits McGee*

      For this kind of thing, I would recommend calling the insurance company and asking to speak to someone who can walk you through the process. Be sure to get a reference number for the conversation, and also ask if they can send you a summary of the conversation or links to the policy in a follow up email. Keep a record of the date/time you called and who you spoke to.

      Before she retired, my mother was a therapist who did her own insurance billing, and this is what worked for her. Being able to reference that conversation reference # and the date/time/name info was really helpful for when she got into extended back and forth with the insurance companies.

  26. Jessi*

    Does any one have a dual sim phone that they love?

    I don’t want to be carrying two phones but also don’t want to be giving out my personal number/ am super keen to keep my personal and private lives seperate

    1. Sloanicota*

      Not your question so I hope others have good answers, but I’m experimenting with google voice for this. What I don’t like is that you have to activate it with a real phone and it goes to a real email, but I did briefly scheme over entering some kind of work number for the one-time activation and I use a throwaway email created just for that. Saved me recently when FB required me to enter a phone number or they would lock my account – no way I want to give my phone number to those jerks, why have I only been using desktop in incognito mode? However, I don’t know enough to know if Google shares the info on their google voice numbers – probably – and whether advertisers are already connecting it to your “real” number from that one-time activation :( It’s hard out here for paranoid weirdos like me.

    2. Another Janet*

      No experience with a dual-sim phone, but I use a Google Voice number for that reason! Routes to my personal phone and works fine for what I need.

        1. Anecdata*

          IIRC, Google voice requires a valid US # to initially authorize, but then you can use it outside of the US at least for web-based stuff (I had mine forward texts to me as emails, etc). I did this when I was working outside the US but still needed a US number to access a bunch of services — plus it was very convenient for not having to update my cell phone number every time I moved countries.

          A long time ago, Skype had a similar, but not free, service that was available outside of the US that might be worth looking into

    3. Anima*

      Oh, you’re outside the US? How about a Shift phone? Currently writing you from a Shift 5m with dual SIM card slots!
      Works nicely and does so since I got it in 2019. It’s on its second battery, though. (Shift phones are modular and you can just switch out the battery.)

    4. Oread*

      E-sims are your friend! iPhones do them, and I think most newish Androids? I’ve been using them for travel, but there’s no reason you couldn’t use two local sims I’d think. So much easier than swapping around actual SIM cards.

    5. Imtheone*

      I have a phone that takes eSIM. I think many do now. I am only using one number, but it should be simple to add the other electronic SIM card.

    6. Bob Howard*

      I went for a Moto G42. It has a slide-out tray for 2 sims and a micro SD card. Also has FM radio & a 3.5mm jack socket. This is becoming a set of features that is distressingly hard to find. It was reasonably priced (£200 approx.), which means that if I drop it where it will be destroyed or irretrievable, it will not be too great a financial loss. I work in heavy industry, so that is a likely loss scenario.

    7. Observer*

      The Pixel line has one physical and one e-sim.

      Also, Google Voice is a decent way to get a second number on your phone without a second sim.

  27. Loopy*

    How much help is an allergist in determined the cause of a skin allergy?

    I ask because I’m currently getting a sleeve tattoo, which takes several sessions. After the first I got a rash around the tattoo but the tattoo itself didn’t seem to be an issue, healed well. A walk in doctor said it might be the adhesive from the bandage since it followed straight lines.

    After second session we avoided adhesive but the rash was back and much worse. Still doesn’t seem to be tattoo itself. I’m going to get an allergy test because I don’t want to keep causing this and they just told me to tell the doctor what I want to be tested for. I’m just guessing here though! It might be the red dye in the stencil since that followed straight lines and there was a lot of it. It might be the cling wrap?! Could it be the stencil paper itself? I am clueless. Does allergists help sort through what’s more likely and less likely?

    How many things does one get tested for at a time? The woman on the phone said I’d just tell them at the appointment time and I guess she assumes they have pretty much everything? Anyone have any advice to get the most out of this appointment?

    I really need to be able to finish this at least to some stage of completion… but a walk in doctor scared me, saying if I keep exposing myself I could cause scarring or the reaction could get worse.

    1. Jessi*

      So a doctor specialising in allergy testing will prick your skin and then drop a drop of liquid containing the proteins of things you might be allergic to. They have all of the usual stuff: peanuts, other nuts, dust, grass, soy ect.

      Could you be allergic to the antiseptic? Every tattoo I’ve had done the artist swabbed my skin with antiseptic to kill any germs on the skin before breaking it to inset the ink (as they should!). You could maybe try swabbing the same antiseptic on say a different arm? You could also try testing a little patch with the stencil ink and see if that’s it? Fairly easy to test for cling film too – wrap some around your ankle for an hour or two.
      Although if you are using cling film could it be heat rash? My skin is horrid in the heat and it’s worse in places where the heat can’t escape (like in inside of my elbows and back of my knees) but having an area covered in cling film would create the same situation- heat won’t be able to escape the plastic

      1. Maestra*

        I’d guess the antiseptic. I used to get a rash from the antiseptic they used on my arm when I’d donate blood until one of the nurses told me I should wash it off within two to three hours. Now, when I donate, it still gets a little red, but it’s not itchy and irritated for days.

    2. Bonne chance*

      Would it be possible to obtain really small samples of the actual materials you think might be causing this reaction from your tattoo place? By all means, do the skin patch tests or whatever with medical supervision, but I would guess that isolating and testing the actual substances would be helpful!

    3. Gyne*

      Those aren’t things an allergist would normally test for. Do you think it could be the soap they are using? I also vote for doing your own patch testing with the soap your artist uses, their gloves, the cling wrap, and tape.

      1. Loopy*

        I was worried about this so I gave the scenario to the person and they seemed to think they’d have anything on hand! I don’t know how well I should trust that answer but I did ask about that (a bit incredulously) and she had no concerns.

    5. fposte*

      When I went for allergy testing, the initial test was for several hundred substances (largely because there’s so much cross reaction to plant materials). And then something like five of the most promising had more intensive testing. So it was really broad, and tattooing is common enough that I would imagine they have ways to identify likely allergens in tattooing.

      But another possibility is that it wasn’t an allergic response, that it was it a sensitivity dermatitis. I get that from Band-Aids sometimes now, and I’m not allergic to them. I’m sure that something that dermatologist will discuss with you as well, especially if the allergy tests don’t identify any particular allergen.

      1. Loopy*

        I don’t know how differently sensitivities present, I’m on day ten and my skin is so dry and scaly it’s a little alarming! I’ve already got one patch that got raw and it’s actually painful. The last doctor I saw was pretty blunt that I shouldn’t expose myself again so I guessed it was an allergic reaction. Do you find the two (sensitivity/allergy) are hard to distinguish?

        1. fposte*

          Honestly, I don’t know how you tell them apart; I ended up testing negative for allergies so I always assume my occasional reactions are just contact dermatitis to something that irritates my skin.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        May I ask, did your insurance cover allergy testing? If not was it expensive? I’d asked my doctor about it but it was suggested to me it wasn’t worth the test confirming, if the symptoms were clear enough, assume I am and act accordingly. But the nerd in me doesn’t like not really knowing for sure.

        1. fposte*

          I’m pretty sure insurance covered it. I generally am lucky with my insurance, but also my symptoms didn’t match onto any particular allergy (because, as it turns out, they didn’t come from an allergy), so it might be that there was a different diagnostic argument for the testing.

    6. Anima*

      It’s most likely the cling wrap – ask me how I know. Do you happen to be tested for BPA and other plastic ingredients? If not I believe you can get a test for that, ask your doctor about it!

      1. Loopy*

        From where the rash presented I thought this might be likely but felt crazy suggesting it. Thank you for letting me know it’s a possibility. I will definitely ask to test for that because I did have a second cling wrap on overnight so that would have been a lot of exposure.

        1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

          I wonder if you could try a self test – put the cling wrap (one with nothing underneath, secure it with tape or a bandaid or a wrap; a second one with Vaseline or whatever they used underneath the other tattoo) on your other arm or other side ankle for a similar amount of time. See if you have a reaction that way.

        2. acmx*

          Try using saniderm and the link instead of cling wrap. Ask the artist to place it for you.

    7. Skin intolerance*

      Could it also be related to sweating underneath the plastic wrap around whatever it is? I’m not sure it would be that by itself, but my skin sensitivities all intensify enormously when combined with the salt from my sweat. For example, something in the dye fixer for some bluejeans irritates my skin. On a cold day with minimal movement, I can wear them for a few hours before getting little red pips. On a hot day I can do a half hour max and then it becomes physically intolerable. If I take them off and shower, everything calms down by the next day. The result is, of course, that I do not wear bluejeans.

      1. Loopy*

        That’s good to know, I did have cling wrap on overnight per the artists suggestion (after washing and rewrapping) and it was definitely causing sweat which concerned me quite a bit.

    8. lord of the files*

      is the tattooist wearing latex gloves? If the rash is adjacent to the tattoo, in the place where they’re resting their hand while working on you, it could be a reaction to the gloves. You could perhaps ask them to use a non-latex glove next time, and see if that makes a difference.

      1. Loopy*

        Probably but I have worn latex gloves quite a bit myself and it hasn’t been a problem. Great thing to consider though!!

    9. ronda*

      I recently had allergy testing cause I had a reaction after a meal, so mostly food testing.

      They had common allergens that they used, but the nurse told me if there was something specific that I thought might cause it I could bring that thing in and they could make a test for it. I got ingredient list from the restaurant and dr included those and also some environmental allergens

      They wrote numbers on my skin and pricked me 45 times on my back and arms cause sections of my back were too red, so not enough room. the only one that reacted for me is the control one that reacts for everyone. (turned to a red patch around the spot).
      I had to wait 20 minutes, got no other reaction, so no answer on why I had this incident, but I now went back to eating things included in that meal.

      Try the allergy testing and if you can get specific ingredients from your tattoo artist, it might help. I would also schedule with a dermatologist they might have different ideas about it than the allergist.

    10. Mina*

      I had allergy testing, and it helped me figure out some things, but not everything. They definitely found some things I was allergic to, but I still got hives sometimes even when avoiding those things (though you can’t avoid pollen in the air, etc.)

      There were three rounds of tests, one for foods, one for grasses/pollens/molds/dander, and one for dyes/chemicals/latex/common cosmetic additives. There was a patch test that I wore for several days, and skin pricking test, though I don’t remember which one went with which set. Basically, we didn’t know what I was allergic to, so they just tested for everything they test for.

      I personally found my allergist not helpful, as it was just “throw test at things, give me the results” and that was it.

    11. KR*

      You mentioned cling wrap – are they using second skin or a similar thing to wrap your tattoo after? The last time I got a tattoo the artist was telling me that some peoples skin just doesn’t agree with that type of wrap and they get irritation from it no matter what so she wasn’t even going to use it if I had skin that was prone to allergic reactions or if I had had a reaction from it in the past. I would recommend skipping the second skin for your next session and just letting the tattoo heal in the open air next time if possible. It’s a pain in the butt especially as your tattoo is so sensitive for the first couple days but it is worth a try.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Cling film on a fresh tattoo is one of my biggest “nope never mind I’m walking” for a tattoo artist. Try tegaderm instead – it’s available in sterile packaging on Amazon, if your artist won’t buy it, and it’ll help with the healing without the negatives to garden variety Saran Wrap.

  28. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Music nostalgia thread, in honor of Tony Bennett. I get a kick out of tight harmonies, unexpected chord progressions, and beautiful voices. Bennett was a master.

    I’ll put the rest it a comment to make it easier to scroll past this if it’s not your thing.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was the surprise GenX baby of Greatest Generation parents, and Tony Bennett was a household favorite. This morning I played a couple of his videos with Lady Gaga for my teenager and burst into tears for the parents I lost long ago.

      I fell asleep as a child to the old standards from downstairs, sometimes on the giant wooden “hi-fi”, and sometimes on dad’s piano.

      After dad died (young), mom took me to local concerts and “old guys on tour”. Kids & old-timers would dance in the aisles, or down front in the space between stage & audience.

      Some of the big bands were still touring, sometimes with the children of the original performers. So I saw Peter Duchin and heard about Mom & Dad loving his father. More often I saw teenagers playing Louis Armstrong numbers and heard about seeing him live. I carry it on and danced my child around the living room to Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman…

      I get a good workout moving crates of classic vinyl every time I move, but my 1980s stereo gave up the ghost some years back. Just this month I bought a replacement record player—haven’t unwrapped it even—and I think Mr. Bennett will be first played.

    2. Tony & Lady Gaga*

      There’s a wonderful 60 Minutes story about him and his final performance with Lady Gaga. Still singing beautifully with dementia. Also watch that final concert.

    3. WellRed*

      I can’t speak to the music so much but in reading the Times write up, I had no idea he was involved in the Selma March and other political things like that.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        He stood up to the racism in the business way before it was an issue for most people.

  29. Turtle Dove heads to the west coast*

    I’ll be taking a four-day road trip with my husband in August from San Francisco to Seattle. Any low-key stops you’d recommend? We like quiet spots and avoid tourist attractions. We’ll start an hour or two south of San Francisco to enjoy the coastal highway, and I’d like to visit Mendocino. A friend thinks I’d like Sausalito, Muir Woods, and Sonoma. Other than that, we have no firm plans until we get to Seattle, although I hope we’ll have an oceanside meal or two (nothing fancy).

    Thanks in advance for tips on places to visit, stay, or eat as we head north!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Muir Woods is beautiful and absolutely worth a stop–not isolated, but the other visitors are usually well spread out.

      I really recommend hiking near the coast in Point Reyes National Seashore. Really beautiful, when I was there we saw herds of elk up at our level and totally fearless surfing sea lions down at the bottom of the cliff. I do not have what it takes to be a sea lion.

    2. CA Road Trip*

      Here are my recommendations- I’ve done a lot of Northern California road trips.

      Muir Woods can be super crowded and busy. Depending on your route, Henry Cowell State Park is a good alternative, or you could wait to do the redwoods until your further north – by Redwoods National Park.

      North of San Francisco is Point Reyes National Seashore- it’s not directly on the northern route but a great detour for nature and great food.

      Sonoma is great – I definitely prefer it to Napa, still kind of pricey but more low key than Napa. If you’re interested in wine, but want something even more low key, I’d recommend Russian River or Anderson Valley areas. Anderson Valley is on the way to Mendocino, and if you go that way I HIGHLY recommend Pennyroyal Farm, a winery that also has goats and sheep and makes excellent cheese.

      I love Mendocino! Super beautiful with lots of great outdoorsy options and usually some arts or music events going on as well. Fort Bragg to the north is a little more rough around the edges but if you’re into seafood it’s worth going into Noyo Harbor for fresh fish.

      I haven’t spent as much time in far Northern California but the redwoods are spectacular. Arcata is a college town and I think it’s a better destination to visit than Eureka, though I’ve mostly camped when I’ve been up there.

    3. Rick Tq*

      The Columbia River Maritime Museum in Astoria isn’t completely low key but is a fascinating stop. You learn why the mouth of the Columbia is the Graveyard of the Pacific and get an appreciation of the bravery of the Coast Guard crews who go out to rescue mariners in distress when the rest of us are heading for a lee shore.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I agree with Pt Reyes! If you’ll be going through Redwood NP, you can probably skip Muir Woods, too. They’re very similar and Muir Woods is more crowded.
      The Ladybird Johnson grove at Redwood NP late morning is spectacular. It’s never been crowded when I’ve been there, and late morning there’s often mist/clouds that make for beams of light and sometimes rainbows. Redwood NP is one that doesn’t have an entry fee, either.
      Ecola State Park is right next to Cannon Beach OR (some places overlook the famous Haystack Rock on Cannon Beach) and has far, far less people.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Redwoods? You’re speaking my language.

        Yes, skip Muir Woods if you’re going further north. It’s famous but not only is it crowded and requiring advance reservations, but the most awe-inspiring redwoods are on the North Coast near the Oregon border. My birthday gift to myself each September is a week among these giants.

        I agree that the Ladybird Johnson Grove Trail in Redwood National Park is lovely. If you want to see the world’s most magnificent redwood forest, go to the two state parks in the same area–Prairie Creek Redwoods and Jedediah Smith. The reason is that the state parks were preserved decades before the national park and therefore avoided being logged.

        If you’ve just got one day, drive the Howland Hill Road and take a walk at Stern Grove in Jedediah Smith State Park. It’s a dirt road that’s easily navigated in a regular passenger car, but no RVs so it’s less crowded. This is not your ordinary road. It’s a jaw-dropping route through the primeval redwood forest. Also, since August is peak season for tourism, get an early start to make sure you can find parking.

        Besides the many photos of redwoods on my blog that’s the same as my user name, there’s a site with a map of all the redwood hikes on the coast that you can use for trip planning. I’m adding the link in a reply to this post.

        1. Double A*

          Oh an as a specific Ashland recommendation, simply walking through Lithia park is lovely. And if you’d like to do some shopping you’re right in the little shopping district. And check out if there’s a play you want to see; they are hurting post-pandemic and the plays are quite reasonably priced (under $100 sometimes by a lot depending on the day).

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            If you get a chance, go to Munchies restaurant, right near the park, and order the cream cheese soup. I still dream of it.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re able to go a little south before you go north, look up Hakone Gardens in Saratoga.

    7. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Heceta Head Lighthouse north of Florence, Oregon is a nice spot with interesting history and some nice trails.

      The Hatfield Marine Science Center in Newport, Oregon has a low-key Visitor Center that highlights the natural history of the area and the research done there.

      If you a fan of cheese, the Tillamook factory has an interesting tour.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Are you planning on taking hwy 101 through Oregon? Or going up along I-5? (I’m assuming you’re not taking any more eastern route than that based on your start point, end point, and number of days – let me know if you’d also like to know about OR/WA things further east.)

      First, here’s the general government-run website for information about roads in Oregon where you can see closures, planned construction, webcams, etc.: https://tripcheck.com/

      The rest of my advice is beach stuff/along hwy 101, based on my best guess of your route:

      Pretty much every town along the Oregon coast is going to be crowded in August, but if you’re flexible about where you stop you can try different places and maybe stop further away from the beach towns full of tourists to enjoy some less-crowded beaches. (Pretty much every east-west route will empty out into a beach town full of people from the town to the east of it on beach vacations, and Oregon also gets a lot of road trippers from Idaho at the beaches.) All Oregon beaches are publicly-owned, but some parts may not be fully accessible to people for environmental reasons such as nesting seabirds. Here’s the state parks page about the Oregon coast: https://stateparks.oregon.gov/index.cfm?do=park.profile&parkId=193 . Oregon ocean water tends to be cold enough that it’s for wading rather than swimming, and please be aware of things like rip currents and sneaker waves if you go in/near the water, as well as minding the tide tables so you don’t get stranded on rocks and such. (I have no idea how much you know about ocean/beach safety – I can go into a lot of rambling detail if you are interested.)

      There are also several state-run campgrounds along the beach if camping sounds appealing. They’re all going to be pretty booked up in August, but you can poke around the campground reservations part of the state parks page to see if you get lucky.

      One of the common beach activities in Oregon is to walk along the beach, possibly looking for interesting shells/driftwood/etc. if that’s your jam, since it’s often too cool and windy to want to just lie in the sand and sunbathe all day. (I typically wear long sleeves and long pants to walk along the beach, but I also typically don’t go in the water.) Most beaches allow fishing/clamming/crabbing with a permit, and tourists at least used to be able to rent crab pots and such from nearby businesses in a lot of the beach towns, but I have not done any of that since the 1990s so I am not the one to ask about specific businesses to rent things from. Here is the the Oregon Fish and Wildlife clamming/crabbing recreation report: https://myodfw.com/recreation-report/crabbing-clamming-report/marine-zone , which is a good starting place if that is of interest to you.

      My favorite place to stop in a beach town is the Taft part of Lincoln City, but that’s going to be very crowded in August. I like it because there’s a grocery store, public restrooms, and easy beach access to the bay and ocean beaches, plus several restaurants and bars, but one of those restaurants is Mo’s, which always has a long line of tourists who also take up a ton of the public parking, so I’m not sure I can recommend that area for an August just-passing-through situation for someone who doesn’t specifically want to spend an hour in line waiting to be seated to get Mo’s clam chowder (which I used to like well enough back when I ate meat, but I also used to like Skippers clam chowder back when I ate meat, so that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement).

      I know it’s specifically what you said you didn’t want, but my favorite tourist attraction along hwy 101 in southern Oregon is Prehistoric Gardens, which is an old-school dinosaur statue park attraction. Travel back in time to a combination of the 1950s and prehistoric times!

      2. CA Road Trip*

        I have such fond memories of Mo’s clam chowder from Oregon coast beach vacations as a child, but similarly, Skipper’s was my favorite restaurant then, so I’m not sure how it would hold up!

      3. Jackalope*

        I will add that if you go to the Washington coast, visit a state park rather than the regular beaches. People can drive on the beaches, and it makes them a lot less pleasant, but that’s not allowed at the state parks. (It sounds like you might be missing this bit so it may not be relevant, but just in case.)

    9. Turtle Dove heads to the west coast*

      Wow! I’m touched and happy to read so many great suggestions. Everything sounds right up our alley, including the dinosaur attraction. There used to be one in a vacation area near us, and we miss driving past it.

      Seven hobbits, we’ll take hwy 101 through Oregon as much as we can manage it time-wise. I’m looking forward to coastal driving most of all.

      I didn’t mention that I’ve never been to the west coast, so this trip is a big deal for me. I’m excited to mark up a map with all of your suggestions.

      Thanks so much, everyone!

    10. Dark-Eyed Junco*

      Have a wonderful time! Note: Muir Woods became so popular (and rightly so, it’s marvelous) that they had to institute a reservation system for parking and shuttle bus. You can’t just show up there and expect to find anywhere to park your car. Also, there is construction inside (?) the park right now. Check out their website for details.

    11. Pieforbreakfast*

      Since you’re taking 101 through OR- stop at Cape Perpetua south of Yachats. Great tide pooling, a good walk-in-the-woods and visitor center. Yachats (Ya- haats) is a cute town to walk around, Luna Sea Fish House or Yachats Brewery for lunch/dinner.

      Just North of Florence is Darlingtonia State Natural Site. It will take 10 minutes of your day to walk through the cobra lillies that grow there and only there.

      Newport – The Aquarium is great but will be busy. Eat the at the South Beach Fish Market (deli style, casual) or Local Ocean Seafoods (Dine-in, less casual, reservations advised).

      The Three Capes loop drive (that’s not currently a loop)- start at Cape Kiwanda in Pacific City, drive up to Cape Lookout and then end at Cape Mears (lighthouse here). You’ll have to retrace from there back to Tillamook to connect with 101 again.

    12. Middle Aged Lady*

      The whole Oregoo Coast is a wonder. Tourists do stop at places likee Cape Meares and the Devil’s Punchbowl bit they are worth seeing!

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      One thing to be aware of when choosing your route north in August is smoky air from forest fires. Sadly, this is now something that has to be considered when traveling through northern California and Oregon in the dry months. As others have suggested, Ashland is a nice town. However, smoke in recent years has sometimes been so bad that it’s cancelled their outdoor plays and music festivals.

      We had an exceptionally rainy year along much of your route and so far it’s hasn’t been too bad, but that can change quickly. You can check current air conditions by looking at the site Purple Air, which has a map that is updated in real time about every 15 minutes. If air quality is bad, stick to the coast along Hwy. 101 instead of driving the I-5 corridor.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Give a holler when you get to Seattle and I can recommend some local attractions (and call Pagliacci Pizza–we should have the fig and pig around then!)

    15. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Not sure if you’d consider it touristy, but stop in Portland to visit Powell’s City of Books.

      It will probably be crowded, but it’s also a great source of stuff that’s now out of print. I managed to pick up a couple of Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser books while I was there last time.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Along hwy 101 in Lincoln City there is Robert’s Used Books (actually, it looks like he’s going by Robert’s Bookshop now…not sure when that changed or if that’s always been the actual name and I just never paid attention, since I found it decades ago when I was specifically looking up used bookstores in each town I visited while on vacation). Not as big as Powell’s, of course, but a sprawling used book store of the kind you don’t see as often as you did 20-30 years ago. If you’re looking for something in particular it is definitely worth asking for directions at the front desk – the store is bigger than it seems at first glance as there are doorway-sized interior connections to what probably used to be neighboring buildings. Unlike Powells, I don’t think he stocks new books, just used and vintage, but he’s got a good mix of older stuff, including things of interest to collectors as well as to bargain-hunters. (I am generally more on the bargain-hunter end, and am pretty picky about what I’ll buy that’s into the “vintage” price range and needed care in handling versus the “used paperback” type where there are many copies and this one is mine, so it’s ok if it gets more worn as I carry it around with me and read it since I am not running a museum.)

        Powells is worth it if you’re going to be going through Portland rather than sticking to the coast though. Yes, it’s a tourist destination but it’s also a functioning bookstore. (Though locals often go to the smaller-but-still-pretty-big satellite location in suburbia because it has parking…)

    16. Esprit de l'escalier*

      We visited Mt St Helens about 20 years ago, which was about 20 years after the eruption and we thought it was well worth a visit. The visitors center was very informative and you could drive as far up the mountain as you had time for. I don’t know what the landscape is like now, after 20 more years of recovery.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        One of the Mt. St. Helens visitor’s centers (along with the road that leads to it) is closed this year due to a landslide, so definitely research specifics before planning your trip. There’s lots to do in that general area in terms of different hikes, though. I haven’t been in quite a while, so I hesitate to suggest specific trails.

    17. Pearl Grey*

      From Mendocino, head north on Hwy 1 to Hwy 101. Just north of Leggett, stop off at Confusion Hill. Yes, it’s touristy, but it’s also silly and fun and well worth the $5 and 20 minutes that you will spend at the Gravity House. From there, continue north on 101 and drive along the Oregon coast. There are many worthwhile stopping points including: scenery at Cape Blanco; the magnificent sea stacks and sand labyrinths (through Aug 5) at Bandon; fresh oysters at Chuck’s Seafood in Charleston; sand dunes and restaurants near/in Florence; the Sea Lion Caves (touristy, but fun and stinky!); Thor’s Well and Devils Churn near the quirky town of Yachats; antique malls in Wheeler; just up the road in Nehalem eat breakfast at Wanda’s Cafe then peruse an interesting collection of kimonos, clothing, plus other odds and ends at Trailside Vintage; Manzanita has great shopping for women’s clothing (the T-Zone, Syzygy, and Unfurl) plus a nice beach; take a short day hike up Neahkahnie Mountain for a great view of the ocean, a quick walk down the trail to Short Sand Beach or maybe a longer excursion in Oswald West State Park, then head north to the interesting town of Astoria or a visit to Fort Stevens. I would skip Cannon Beach and Seaside as they will likely be populated with lots of tourists. Try to stop at a lighthouse or two on your way up the coast.

      Depending on how much time you spend in California and Oregon, from Astoria you might consider heading north to Washington and up into the Olympic peninsula, then from there take a ferry to Seattle. However, depending on what you want to see, it might be best to explore the Olympic peninsula another time when you can stay a few days.

      If you are driving north on I-5 in Washington from Oregon, don’t forget to look to the east every now and then for views of Mount Saint Helens and Mount Rainier. You may want to stop off in Tacoma with points of interest including the Museum of Glass, the Chihuley collection at the Tacoma Art Museum, and the historic Elks Temple which has been renovated by McMenamins and is now home to a hotel and several restaurants/bars.

      Have a great trip!

      1. Jackalope*

        I would be remiss if I did not recommend the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma. It’s a lovely little zoo, a perfect size for a quick trip (unlike many zoos you can make it through the whole thing in a few hours). The Point Defiance Park is also lovely; there are great walking trails and a nice beach to walk on.

  30. L. Ron Jeremy*

    I’ve been having a strange flair up of knee pain in both knees unrelated to physical activity and it appears to be dairy related from morning milk consumption on my cereal.

    I stopped drinking milk for two weeks and my knee pain completed resolved.

    Now I need recommendations for milk substitutes to allow me my morning cereal. Anyone have recommendations?

    1. Redhairedrunner*

      Oat milk has the most universally appealing flavor to most people. Soymilk has almost as much protein as regular milk, but not everyone like the flavor. Both use way less water to produce than almond milk, plus they are a little closer in texture to regular milk.

      1. Grits McGee*

        I personally find oat milk to be kind of bitter (no idea why, plain oats are sweetish!), but I really like flax milk. It has a similar thickness to 2% milk. Good Karma is the only flax milk brand I’m aware of, and it’s a little pricier than mainstream soy or almond milk brands.

        There’s also rice milk, which is closer to the consistency of skim milk.

      2. No Tribble At All*

        The feeling of putting oat milk on Cheerios and you realize you’re just eating oats all the way down!

      3. mreasy*

        Oat milk is my fave but warning, it varies hugely in quality! To my palate Oatly is the best, Califia Farms second. I will not even bother with Planet Oat or Trader Joe’s brand, I find them both very watery and also (as Grits McGee mentions) bitter. Also it needs thorough shaking before you pour.

      4. Saddy Hour*

        Yes, oat milk is definitely the most popular among my friends who like cow’s milk but can’t drink it for whatever reason. It’s a very safe choice IMO, and it’s not crazy expensive.

        Pea milk is another good option, especially if you want the same nutrition because it has similar levels of protein, calcium, and vitamin D to cow’s milk. The flavor is pretty neutral so it’s great for cereal and in place of milk in other recipes, too. It is a little pricy, but I will die by Ripple unsweetened (and Ripple chocolate — sooooooo good, and fortified with B12 for all the vegans who need it!).

    2. Generic Name*

      I like almond milk the most. Soy and oat milk are fine too. I recently developed lactose intolerance, so I just have other things for breakfast. Oatmeal, toast, eggs, etc

        1. Generic Name*

          Yeah, my mom swears by Fairlife. I can’t bring myself to try it. I’m apparently very sensitive and the consequences of accidentally consuming milk are so unpleasant I can’t even make myself try milk. :/

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A plant-based substitute called NotMilk. Used to be available at our Whole Foods.

      My husband (who developed lactose intolerance) found this was the most milk-like of the substitutes he tried. I would say it tastes almost identical.

      If a cat drinks part of this milk, I must report Destructobot found it inadequate.

      For those just avoiding lactose–spouse eventually discovered he could grind up some lactaid and put it in a half-gallon of fresh milk, getting around the taste of the shelf-stable lactain-in-a-carton.

      1. Imtheone*

        You used to be able to get the enzyme is a liquid form, and just put a few drips in the milk carton on opening it. Haven’t seen that in years.

    4. Ghost accountant*

      You could try a different kind of dairy milk, such as goat milk, and see if your knees react or not. Goat works better for me than cow’s.

    5. Chaordic One*

      The usual symptoms for an allergy-related problem to milk and dairy (or merely lactose intolerance) are gastrointestinal discomfort (cramps, gas, and/or diarrhea) and not knee pain. However, I have heard of some people who have arthritis-like symptoms as part of an immune system reaction to dairy. You might want to do some experimenting with types of different milks and see if you can tolerate lactose-free milk. (“Lactaid” is the best-known brand, but most grocery store chains now offer lower-cost store brands of it.)

      You might also want to try one of the “ultra-filtered” milks to see if you are having a reaction to one or more of the “caseins” in the milk. (“Fairway” is the most popular brand where I live. There are not as many choices for ultra-filtered milk as there for lactose-free and I’ve never seen any store brands, but I’m sure that there must be some other brands.)

      I find oat, rice and almond milk to be tolerable. I can’t stand the taste of goat’s milk, but that might be an option to consider, as is soy milk. (I have a soy allergy, in addition to a dairy allergy, and I react worse to soy than regular dairy, but that’s just me.)

      1. Grits McGee*

        Yes, I have a friend with a doctor-diagnosed milk allergy, and his biggest reaction is joint swelling and pain rather than gastro distress.

    6. The teapots are on fire*

      I use unsweetened almond yogurt but sometimes unsweetened almond milk. I get the same reaction to dairy. I used to be able to tolerate goat cheese or yogurt instead, but not anymore. I don’t eat cereal as much now–I make a big batch of steel-cut oatmeal in the pressure cooker on the weekend and heat it up during the week. I add frozen strawberries (just for convenience since they don’t go moldy) and give them an extra zap in the microwave before I heat the oatmeal.

  31. Miss Dove*

    Electric car advice?

    I’m thinking of purchasing an electric car. Does anyone have any tips, experience, advice to share? Any preferences for models, brands, etc? What do you I need to know about getting a plug in my home? Any and all advice welcome.

    1. Rick Tq*

      Talk to an electrician to get a quote on the installation including the permits required and lead time on the equipment. Depending on the age of your home you may have to replace your main power panel to have enough amperage to support it, and that cost is rarely included in the estimate you get from the car dealer.

      My brother’s family has had several Teslas of mixed models and they are very happy with them.

    2. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      If you aren’t in dire need of a new car AND Tesla isn’t at the top of your list AND you’re in North America, I would recommend waiting a year or two! Most of NA’s EV producers recently announced they would be changing their charging standard to Tesla’s, meaning they will be able to use Tesla’s superchargers. That is a huuuuge deal, because Tesla has by far and away the best, most widespread, most maintained charging network.

      If you can’t wait and still don’t want a Tesla, I imagine there will be adaptors available before long, but it’s something to keep in mind.

      As far as getting an outlet installed, what kind of range are you looking for, and how often will you need to charge? If you don’t drive a lot, you may be able to get away with a regular 110 outlet (“trickle charging”). That’s what I use and it’s never been an issue, although I do have a supercharger ten minutes away if I ever need to fill up in a hurry. Cost to have a 220 outlet installed unfortunately varies wildly depending on your location and the location of the breaker panel in your house.

      Definitely check on whether the cars you’re looking at qualify for the tax breaks. I believe the max is 7500, and some cars will qualify for partial credit, but some don’t qualify for anything.

      Don’t let anybody talk you out of electric :) I love my car and I’ll never, ever go back to gas. There’s just no comparison.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      *cracks knuckles excitedly* EV ENTHUSIAST here. Couple things to consider, in no particular order, and apologies if I say things you already know.

      – there are 3 ways of charging EVs.
      (1) “Trickle-charge” is when you plug your car into a regular wall outlet. Super slow, not recommended unless it’s like. You’re visiting a friend and they have an outlet in the garage.
      (2) “level 2 charging” the most common type of charging. This is typically what you’ll see at public chargers or chargers at grocery stores. You can get a level 2 installed in your house. There are tax subsidies for it now! If you have easily accessible circuits in your garage it’ll be about 5-800 for labor and another 500? ish for the charger itself. Public charging has a few major app networks that you usually need to have an account with in order to charge. Usually 1 hr = 10% battery, so if you have your own in a garage, you can charge the whole thing overnight. Cheaper than filling up a tank of gas.
      (3) DC fast charging, what Tesla calls “supercharging”. This is what you use on road trips. Depending on your type of car, can charge most of your battery in 30-60 minutes. Can run into $15-20 a session. Our new Hyundai gave us 2 years fast charging with Electrify America stations for free! One important caveat is there’s 3 standards for fast-charging plugs, and you can buy aftermarket adaptors for yours. The types are: Tesla, which Ford has said they’ll switch over to in a few years; CCS, the most common; and Chademo, which sucks and is only used by the Nissan leaf.

      – are you ever going to take the car on a road trip, or do you have a gas car you’d use for that? If you’re *not* going to take the car on a road trip, you can disregard your local fast charging infrastructure. If you are going to take it on road trips, use the app ABRP A Better Route Planner to help you plan.

      1. No Tribble At All*

        Models and brands advice/opinions:
        – Tesla has had issues with their autopilot system. My in-laws have one and my MIL doesn’t use autopilot at all. Unfortunately, Teslas don’t have a “dumb” cruise control so if you’ll be doing a lot of highway driving it’s a PIA. I didn’t like the everything-only-on-the-iPad interior of a Tesla
        – don’t get a Nissan leaf unless you’ll only be driving around town. Poor thing’s level 3 charging is the slowest on the market and turned a road trip into a disaster because we had to stop and change for 2 hours every hour.
        – the best time to buy an American EV (ford, Chevy) is next year when the tax credits will be included in the dealer price. As Commander Shepard said, Ford is going to switch over to the Tesla fast charging port in 3-5 years, but the CCS chargers are already out there, so if you buy one now, it won’t be obsolete.
        – if you’ve heard bad things about Chevy Bolt batteries— that’s been resolved now
        – the fastest level 3 charging is on Hyundais and Kias. They advertise 18-80% in 15 minutes on the fastest DC chargers. Their cars can take the most kw/hr from a charger. It’s faster than a Tesla ;) Can confirm, we have a Hyundai Ioniq 6 and it’s INSANE. Stopped at a sheetz to charge, by the time I went to the bathroom and bought food, we had to unplug the car and move it because we were done!! I love our Ioniq 6 and highly recommend it. It’s a long sedan; if you’re looking for a crossover, I’d go with the Ioniq 5, or a station wagon, the Kia EV6.

        1. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

          I love my Tesla but unfortunately I have to agree that autopilot is not the greatest. Phantom braking and lack of “dumb” cruise control are probably the only things I dislike about the car.

          While I’m thinking about braking, Miss Dove, be aware that regenerative braking (if the car you get uses it heavily) takes a LOT of getting used to! It’s quite jarring when coming from a gas car. But once you adjust, it is incredible. I almost never actually use the brakes. One pedal driving is the bee’s knees.

        2. Stephanie*

          Yeah, my friend had a Nissan Leaf (she lives in the north suburbs of Atlanta) and with traffic, it could not make it to ATL due to the short range. She drove me to the airport in her 15-yo Honda Civic. Now she did say it was great for commuting downtown (could use the HOV lanes) and it would charge at work.

        3. Bananapants Circus with Dysfunctional Monkeys*

          Cannot second a Hyundai Ioniq 5 enough, its such a great car (admittedly this is from a passeneger perspective, though the family members that own it also *rave* about it), and yeah on the right charger its so fast.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Spouse has a Chevy Bolt. What we really liked about it was the long range–we have relatives 90 minutes away in 2 directions, and with a mostly full charge we can easily go to either without having to carefully parse anything. He has done a 1200 mile trip down the east coast (he wanted to bring our dog while visiting his sister) and he used an app to find charging stations. (And walked the dog while charging.) That takes some dedication to the principle–it’s not the “drive and go and get gas if you need” of my hybrid–but it is quite doable.

      You can use a heavy duty outdoor extension cord for the charging, if you park in or just outside your home. (I imagine this doesn’t work for on street parking, but we have a driveway.) We did this when we first got the car, and it’s useful for traveling so you can recharge at your mom’s. We had to have some electrical work done and the electrician charged $500 to put in the charger on the outside of our garage. (We park next to our small basement “garage” which we use like a large shed for the mower, bikes, gardening stuff, etc–just to be clear what’s coming from our home details vs any general electric car rules.)

    5. ThatGirl*

      I just got my Chevy Bolt EV. Sadly they’re discontinuing the smaller ones. But it’s fun to drive and for me it made sense – I have a short commute, only need to charge it every week or so. Installation of a charger is covered by Chevy up to $1000, which covers most people. It’s not done yet though (after 6 weeks) so we needed to be prepared to charge at public chargers or use the slow trickle charge. Feel free to ask questions!

    6. XYZ*

      Maybe you care and maybe you don’t, but Tesla cameras have recorded customers in their garages, and Tesla employees shared ones they found funny on inter-company chats. I’m a privacy nut, so that’s a nope from me.

    7. California Dreamin’*

      This might be location dependent because I can’t remember if this was a California rule or a city rule or a Tesla rule. But we couldn’t have just any electrician install our Tesla charger. They had to be certified by Tesla (there was a list of local electricians we could choose from.) The electrician that we chose was very good and easy to work with, though, so that was no big deal… we just couldn’t use our regular guy. Our city gave a rebate on our power bill that covered the cost of the charger, so be sure to look into that just in case. The Tesla is fun to drive, but it does take some getting used to (VERY different from a gas or hybrid car) so I recommend driving in an empty parking lot for a few minutes until you get the idea. It was startling the first time I took my foot off the accelerator and the car basically came to a stop!
      Also interesting to me was the purchase process. When the car was ready, they just basically left it in our driveway and went away. There was no interaction with a human at drop off at all! In fact, we happened to be on vacation at the time and they said we either had to take delivery of the car then or they would give it to somebody else. So they dropped it off in our driveway, our neighbor went over and checked it out and grabbed the key cards that they left in the car, and then my husband locked it up remotely from the app. So weird!
      Repairs are also interesting. We recently had a headlight go out, and we just reported it through the app and a technician came out and fixed it at our house. I don’t actually know if we’ll get a bill for that or was it free or???

      1. KR*

        It’s a Tesla rule. The city/county will have rules on what level of electrical worker can install the charger (usually must be an electrician/electrical journeyman) but Tesla wants you to have a Tesla certification to install Tesla products or do troubleshooting to keep the warranty intact.

    8. KR*

      One thing to keep in mind is your utility costs – if you are on TOU (time of use) billing, you may have to do some strategic planning so that you aren’t charging your car during peak hours where the electricity costs more. If you have home solar, keep in mind that charging an EV is a significant energy use that likely wouldn’t have been factored in when the designer was figuring out how big of a system you need (unless you told them to do so at the time), so you may find your current solar system isn’t covering all of your loads once you add in the car.

    9. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      We have a Jeep Wrangler 4 x e hybrid that we love. We got a $7500 tax credit on it which was also great.

      We upgraded the charging thing (I forget the name) so the whole thing charges in 2 hours. We had to have an electrician come install a charger. The one it comes with takes about 8 hours to charge.

      You can only go about 25 miles on a charge but since we work 8 miles from home it works out great. Back when gas prices were so high we filled up the tank once every 2-3 months. Plus we get to have a Jeep for hauling stuff/animals and driving mountain trails.

      They’re supposed to be coming out with a fully electric Jeep next year if you want to wait.

      Major drawback is that it doesn’t work with the Tesla chargers you see on the highways and at some shopping centers, so it’s not great for electric road trips, but there’s probably an adaptor out there.

    10. Missb*

      I have a Volvo XC40 P8, which was their first EV in 2021. I love it. I got it before the rules for the $7500 tax break changed; I wouldn’t qualify for it now.

      At the time, it came with a free ChargePoint charger. Cost me about $1500 to have it installed, didn’t need an upgrade to my panel. I did have a long run from my panel to the installation point in my garage.

      I can stop the charging from my phone if I want. I put in the cost of my avg energy charge from my utility (using avg kw used plus all the taxes and dividing it by the bill) and we spend about $30-$40/mo to charge it. More in summer, $30 most of the year.

      Volvos have less range than Teslas. But Volvos are notoriously safe. I suspect the range will improve over time. I like how it is connected to Google. I like to ask Google to do various things while driving (call the vet, turn off the ac, turn up the fan, take me to X place). Good user interface.

      Volvo recently told EV users that we will soon be able to use Tesla stations. We will have to buy an adapter, but that is a step in the right direction.

  32. Falling Diphthong*

    Dreams: Have you ever used a cell phone to communicate with someone in one?

    A few days ago I ran across the assertion that we don’t have cell phones in dreams, and thought “Ha ha that’s ridiculous, like the no writing thing, though hmm…. I cannot remember ever doing so.” And the last few nights, my dreams have not had cell phones. I shared the observation with my family, and my daughter reports paying for something with her phone in a dream–but not using it to contact anyone.

    For the record I have encountered readable text in dreams. I’m wondering if there’s something about communicating with a disembodied voice that pings as “nope.”

    1. Irish Teacher*

      Actually, I don’t think so. I’ve often dreamt about communicating with people online, but I don’t remember ever a dream that involved a cell phone. That is interesting.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My dreams are perfectly happy to plop in gondola networks, so it’s not like they’re averse to recent tech.

        In all of my exasperated attempts to corral my family so they can pack before the hotel checkout time (they have dispersed on the gondola network), calling or texting them does not seem to occur to dream me as an option.

    2. MissCoco*

      I’m sure I’ve had dreams involving phone calls (perhaps because they make me anxious), but I can’t recall a specific one off the top of my head, I’ve had plenty of dreams where I used chat/text/email as well

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve used cell phones in my dreams, but in every instance, I can’t get it to do what I want, especially when trying to make a call.

      1. annoyed analyst*

        Same! I’ve had dreams when I’ve been trying to call my dad (whose number is the only one I know by heart apart from my own), and I put his number into the phone but it never connects.

      2. Filosofickle*

        ALL THE TIME. Had a really annoying one last night. One of my anxiety dream types, trying to do something simple like make a call or look up directions, and no matter what I do I can’t get it to work.

      3. Pocket Mouse*

        Same! For me it’s about getting my fingers to hit the right numbers/buttons, not the phone’s functions.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’ve had whole dreams that were me texting about some frustrating things that were happening to me, and my husband encouraging me.
      I recently had a dream that I met a celebrity my daughter really likes and I surprised her by FaceTiming with her.

    5. Generic Name*

      I have cell phones in my dreams, but they never work correctly. Actually, electronic devices never work right, and one time I thought in my dream, “Why is this TV acting so strangely? Oh, it’s because I’m dreaming.” And then continued on with my dream, instead of doing cool things, unfortunately.

    6. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

      I also don’t remember any phone call dreams, but cell phones doing crazy things and not doing what they’re supposed to do is definitely something I sometimes dream about. This can include readable text.

    7. Double A*

      Literally dreamed about a cell phone last night but it involved, as always, an inability to use it. I couldn’t write the number down right at one point. And then there was a scrambler preventing me calling (I was in the middle of a robbery…stressful dream).

      I’m not sure if I’ve ever successfully used one in a dream, usually when I dream about technology it is rebelling in some way.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not a cell phone, but a landline.

      I dreamed I got a call from a deceased relative saying it was a mistake and she’d be home soon. I’m still choking up years later.

    9. anon24*

      I’ve definitely sent texts and emails from my phones in dreams. I just had a dream last night where I sent and read a bunch of text messages, including taking and sending photos. It usually means I wake up and check my phone panicking making sure I did not actually send any texts in my sleep (thankfully I have not yet). I also had another dream just last night where I successfully made 2 phone calls. Also, I did not sleep well last night :)

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve definitely used cell phones in dreams but I can only think of texting, not calling (which is true of how I use them awake, I guess). I can also read in dreams sometimes but encounter problems with both, like not being able to get a message to send or reading something then not being able to find it again. Brains are so weird.

    11. Alex*

      I can’t recall any cell phone dreams, but also, there’s tons of stuff I’ve never used in my dreams that I remember. I don’t remember ever using a computer either. Or cooking. Or knitting.

      I do a lot of traveling in my dreams–cars, trains, planes, boats. I’m usually looking OUT around me, not focused on something close to me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think you’re onto something with the looking OUT in dreams.

        I am pretty sure I am usually in motion in my dreams–walking, driving, riding the gondola–like my subconscious completely buys into the “have the characters hold this conversation while walking down a corridor” trope. (I don’t think I bike in dreams? I just got back into occasional biking and it takes a lot of close-in concentration. Maybe if it was more backgrounded to autopilot my mind would incorporate it into the dream transit networks.)

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I had a lengthy and somewhat stressful rollerskating dream last night! Trying to get home before dark and someone was following me so I was trying to figure out how to get far enough ahead of him that he wouldn’t see where I live. Got to my childhood house and remembered it had been sold so I couldn’t go there, it was very weird.

    12. Jessica*

      I’m not sure about specifically cell phones but I’ve definitely made phone calls in dreams. For a while when I was really stressed at work I had a series of recurrent dreams about calling 911 and not being able to get help. :-(

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Nope; I have a helluva time communicating in dreams at all; that and trying to eat or drink.

    14. Doctor is In*

      I have lots of wild dreams, sometimes involving trying to call someone on a regular push button landline and cannot get the number right. Can’t recall dreaming of a cell phone. Weird.

    15. Cheshire Cat*

      I’ve had two dreams involving cell phones recently. In one, someone kept calling me, and I answered and spoke to them every time (and weirdly, we had the same conversation each time). In the second one, I got my loved ones away from a threat and called 911 when we were all temporarily safe. I woke up just as they answered so maybe that doesn’t count?

    16. allathian*

      A moderately frequent anxiety dream of mine is trying to call someone but not getting the call to connect. I wonder how common that is, other people have said the same thing.

      I’ve also texted in my dreams.

    17. Soap*

      Kinda!

      Once I was having a nightmare type dream. I realized in the dream what was happening and that if I texted my boyfriend (who I didn’t live with at the time) to call me, he would. Especially given the odd time (probably around 2 or 3 am if I remember correctly?). And wouldn’t you know it I had a phone!

      Well when I tried to type it just came out as random letters and symbols. Then I came to the conclusion that if I sent him a nonsensical text he’d still call…. my phone disappeared.

      Dream continued. It remained awful. Boyfriend confirmed if he received a text or random letter and numbers and symbols he would have called concerned.

    18. carcinization*

      I vaguely remembered hearing about this somewhere; that it takes a certain amount of time for any new technology to reliably start showing up in dreams… I do dream about them, but it’s been fairly recent and of course, they don’t work very well in my dreams, just like the older type of phone works poorly in my dreams.

      The reading/writing phenomenon is a right brain/left brain thing (one of the things from my introductory Psych class that hasn’t been disproven since the late 90s)… I can read and write just a little in dreams but then it turns into gibberish.

    19. There You Are*

      Literally my dreams last night:

      1. I texted my next-door neighbor and something in our phones / cell signal got crossed and I could hear everything that was going on in her house: TV, cats, her conversation with her roommate, etc. I called her to tell her that I could hear everything via the texting app and we talked over the phone while trying to figure out how to get my phone to quit spying on her house.

      2. I was at a conference and lost my cellphone. Ran frantically through the entire hotel and connected mall looking for it. Was asking an elderly gentleman if he’d seen a purple cellphone laying around when I started to faintly hear the sound of my phone’s wakeup alarm, a bit of piano music. I paused and said to the man, “It can’t be far away if I can hear it. Please help me look!” And then realized, in the dream, that it was my IRL alarm and was saying, “Never mind, I know where it is,” as I woke up.

  33. Paralegal Part Deux*

    I just booked a Disney World vacation, and my family is staying at Caribbean Beach Resort. Anyone else ever stayed here? Likes/dislikes? My main draw was that it’s on the Skyliner but reviews are seemingly mixed about it being too sprawling.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have not stayed at Caribbean Beach Resort, in fact because it’s on the Skyliner :) I don’t know if this has changed, but at least up to a couple months ago, the Skyliner resorts specifically don’t run buses to Epcot or Hollywood Studios unless the Skyliner is fully not running, so if you can’t take the Skyliner because you have panic attacks in cable cars (hi :) ) or are otherwise on the “don’t ride this if” list, your only option to get to either of those two parks without driving yourself is either a ridiculous multi-stop bus journey (other park – other resort – destination park) or Uber.

      Caribbean Beach is pretty spread out, but the bigger spread out resorts like that have multiple bus stops, so you should have one within a reasonable distance from your room, you’ll just want to make sure you make a note of your stop’s identifying name or number. Each bus to and from the resort will stop at every stop around, so depending on where you are in the loop the busses may be more occupied. You’ll also be able to use the bus to get to the main building where the check-in/out, food options, gift shop etc are, but you’ll want to check with the drivers to make sure the bus you’re getting on will stop at the main building before going off to a park, because depending on whether the bus is coming or going, it may have already stopped at the main building first on returning or it may be going to stop at the main building last before leaving, if that makes sense.

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        Well, we did pop century last year and loved the skyliner. I wanted to upgrade our resort just a bit but stay on the skyliner. I was actually surprised I wasn’t scared of being that far up considering my fear of heights. We did get stuck at Epcot when it started lightning and it got shut down. But it wasn’t for long and we were soon on our way. The bus makes sense with the way you described it. Thank you!

    2. Elle Woods*

      Our family stayed at CRB in March and absolutely loved it. (So much so that we’re planning to stay there on our next trip to WDW.) Our room was in the Trinidad section, had recently been remodeled, and was not far from the Spyglass Grill–which had great food all day long. Yes, CRB is a bit sprawling, but things are well-marked and easy to navigate. The Skyliner was a big draw for us. There was one day we were not able to ride it because of thunderstorms but that was it.

      Even though my niblings are tweens/teens, we did take advantage of some of the family-friendly activities on site (tie-dying t-shirts and movie night under the stars). So if there is a day you’re not going to the parks or want a lower-key day, there will still be plenty to do around the resort.

      Having stayed at a couple of other WDW resorts (All-Star Sports and Port Orleans Riverside), we all definitely liked CRB best. I second what Red Reader said below about multiple bus stops around the resort. They also had some buses that went solely around the resort, so that’s an option too.

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        Oh, that’s great to know about Spyglass. I was curious about that, too. We opted for the dining plan, and I am planning on using it at CBR first night. Either that or head into Disney Springs. Have not made up my mind since it’s about a 17 hour drive.

        1. Elle Woods*

          I wish they’d had the dining plan when we were there. We’ll definitely be getting it on our next trip. The food at both Centertown Market and Sebastian’s Bistro at the CRB was great, IMO.

    3. Penelope*

      We stayed there on our honeymoon several years ago, before it was a Skyliner park. Yes, it’s sprawling, but they removed the two farthest “islands” when they built Riviera, so it’s not as big as it used to be.
      The bus around the grounds is great, but it can be very crowded. We often walked to the next island, depending which direction we were going, to catch the bus earlier/later in the run. It’s hard to explain, but I guess the best thing to keep in mind is being open to walking a short distance to save yourself some standing/walking.
      Another thing to keep in mind is how easy it can be to walk to Riviera’s Skyliner stop and catch that instead of walking to CBR’s stop. For a better explanation, try Disney Tourist Blog (I’ll put a link in the reply). The author is a big fan of CBR and has great information about how to make staying there feel less like you’re walking even more than you usually do at Disney.
      We stayed at a different resort in March and did some Skyliner touring to get a feel for our comfort level and interest in staying at a Skyliner resort next visit. I would definitely consider staying at a CBR island close to Riviera and walking there to catch either the Skyliner or a bus to either Magic or Animal Kingdom.

      1. Penelope*

        Here’s one of his articles about CBR.
        https://www.disneytouristblog.com/caribbean-beach-resort-guide/
        The one comparing CBR to Riviera may also be helpful, as well as the ones he’s done about the Skyliner itself. Pretty sure those talk about his tricks for using the Skyliner to navigate more easily.
        My chief complaint about his site is that he doesn’t date his articles, but the comments should provide some guidance about how recent the article is.

  34. Guinea Pig Buddies*

    I think I recall there being one or two other guinea pig owners here.
    Guinea pig trio success stories, specifically for boars?

    I know we are fighting an uphill battle, but we have a pretty large cage(17.5 square feet/2x7C&C with two lofts), this pig lived with 2 other boys his whole life, and one of my boys is extremely submissive to my other pig.

    The “new guy” comes to us from a family member who was not caring for him well after her other two died, after a few weeks of treatment his skin is clearing up from a mystery fungus and we are planning to attempt to introduce them all sometime in the next week. The new guy is older (at least 5, possibly closer to 7 or 8), and he has really perked up and become much more active and MUCH more vocal over the past few weeks (our two guys are both pretty quiet by nature, so it is fun to have a wheeker in the house again).

    Since his skin cleared up they have been all been in the big cage with a divider (our apartment does not really have the square footage to keep a travel cage set up full time). New guy and our shy pig have met at the divider several times and done some sniffing and both seemed totally unbothered, but our small pig has always been a bit of a bully, and he spends a lot of time rumblestrutting at the divider and just showing off what a big scary pig he is (while the new guy sploots right next to the divider and is totally unbothered). I’m planning to follow the Guinea Lynx introduction plan (large neutral area for as long as it takes for things to calm down.

    Any advice or tips would be welcome!

    1. Not a Pig Owner*

      I have no helpful advice, but I just really want to tell you that I loved the language of your comment. Thank you for the smile today and I wish you much success!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes – “rumblestrutting” and “sploot” are both cracking me up. :)

    2. Laura Petrie*

      Boar trios can be really tricky although I’ve seen a couple of success stories online. We’ve got a trio but two sows and a neutered boar.

      Boars can be really territorial and difficult. If small pig is the trouble causer, would you have space for him to live alone but alongside the other two? Otherwise you’ll need at least three of everything- beds, bowls, water sources to avoid disagreements.

      My lad is really shy but occasionally he tries to show his ladies he is a big scary boar. They just ignore him and carry on eating.

      Guinea pigs can be a nightmare at times considering how stupid and helpless they are. Good luck and if it doesn’t work out as a trio it won’t be anything you did wrong

  35. WellRed*

    After three months and a disappointing fall through with a used Outback I wanted (and could better afford but apparently you can’t buy older cars with a loan) I signed the paperwork on a Buick encore Thursday. I’ve actually had it for two weeks but had to wait for the title to buy it. It was apparently still hard to get financing (the dealer did all that) and though it was technically approved I’m still nervous something will happen and it falls through. I haven’t even dared to make the car mine yet, or put the key on key ring. Arrgh. What a racket. How can I assure myself it will work out?

    1. Mrs Columbo*

      I have two different strategies I use that might work here.

      1) Take it a day/hour/minute at a time. Every time you worry about it, clap back at the thought with “Well, it’s still mine so far! I can survive 1 more [minute/hour/day]!”

      2) Remind yourself you’ll be ok. “Will something go wrong with this car, too?” “I don’t know, but I’ll survive either way.”

      Hope this helps; good luck!

  36. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Have you ever regretted getting a pet?

    I’ve been thinking for a while about another cat or dog, but I keep wavering. I’ve always had pets and I really miss the joy and lightness of having a furry bundle of love around. But I also don’t miss their nagging and the work involved. Hubs is very keen to give it a go, but he’s never had a pet before so he will need training too.

    Part of my hesitation I think is that I’m leaning towards a dog, and maybe it’s just me, but in general I’m seeing a lot more worrying dog behaviour in the last few years. I don’t know if it’s the breeds du jour, unscrupulous breeding during peak pandemic pet demand, the spike in lockdown first time dog owners and the trend towards fur-babying, or if it’s just in my head. Has anyone else noticed it?

    I don’t need any convincing to get a pet, I’d adopt one tomorrow if I could. But keen to hear some balanced views from the other side.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Well, I don’t fully regret that we got guinea pigs for our daughter in 2020, because she desperately needed something to love and it was good for her. But I am glad we were able to find happy homes for them this spring. Since the cats showed up and we took them in (how could we not), it was not nearly as good an environment for the pigs because the cage had to be lidded all the time.

      They didn’t get as much attention or affection, and as a result the work of cage cleaning, etc, became much more burdensome. There were certainly moments I wished we had rehomed the singleton after her cagemate died, rather than adopting 2 more.

      1. BookMom*

        Yes! We had about three years of Guinea pig ownership which were way more work and mess and expense than I anticipated, with the last six months or so being very sad after the first one died and the second one was lonely but we didn’t want to get a new one and be in a cycle. We had adopted them as adults from a shelter so we knew their lifespan would be a bit shorter but three years was plenty. We love our cats and would get another dog at some point in the future but learned we need more interactive pets than cavies.

        1. Cat and dog fosterer*

          A bit of a side note but Switzerland requires that all GPs have a friend so there are rentals available to avoid having new ones forever. So smart!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t regret agreeing to my husband’s cats, per se, but I told him he needs to make arrangements for who they’re going to if something happened to him, because I do not want to be a cat owner for a variety of reasons.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’m curious about this. Partly I think it’s an extension of the Western pet-as-family ideal, so that more pets are appearing in public whereas previously they would not have been joining us in breweries, patio restaurants, coffee shops etc. And the pandemic certainly didn’t help new dog socialization. Maybe our culture in general is just a bit less sensitive to others than we were – witness the discussion above about small children in bars …

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          As with the toddlers in a bar example upthread, I think that it’s something you become more or less atuned to in different circumstances. Depending on both outside behavior (the terrible dog parent moved in next door to me) and your own mental set (like when your mom announces she’s going to Laos you suddenly notice Laos references everywhere).

          Having had both small kids and dogs over decades, I truly think the behavior around them hasn’t shifted–there is no “this generation, unlike all the previous generations…”

          Anecdata: Having walked our dogs in one spot for 20 years now, I have come to realize that some people I thought were great at training their dogs just lucked out with an amiable first dog, and the second dog has a different personality and is not eager to fit itself to whatever its humans are doing.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            That was us. Our first two dogs were obedient and got along well together. We thought we were very very good at dog training. The next two humbled us. We found wonderful trainer who got us back on track and the last few years of their lives were much much better. For various reasons we couldn’t really walk them – one was not safe around other dogs and the other was large and impulsive and very very barky. If we’d worked hard at leash training he would have been manageable but we had full-time jobs and a little kid….the dogs got exercise in our yard and that was about it.

            We are not getting another dog because of my husband’s worsening allergies (and please don’t start with poodles or doodles or Portuguese Water Dogs. He’s allergic to all of them) but if I could I would definitely work with a trainer from the jump. So to speak.

        2. Chaordic One*

          It’s also a response to the appropriate and overdue realization that we shouldn’t be leaving pets in parked cars on hot sunny days.

        3. tuesday next*

          For my area, I’d say it’s a huge increase in ownership and an acute shortage of dogs. The dog shortage means that only realistic(*) way to get a dog is to buy one from one of the organizations that takes street dogs from Mexico, Taiwan or Iran. Then you have a (likely) problematic dog and an owner that may not be up to the task. Even our local SPCA imports street dogs from 2000 km (1500 miles) away. On the other hand, I guess that means that the spay/neuter campaigns are working!

          (*) there are breeders in my area, of course, but the wait on most breeders is 18+ months.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I agree that the pandemic crush particularly, but also a shortage in my area generally, may mean more people ended up with dogs that aren’t the right match for them. If there’s only one dog available, or they’re all being snapped up, maybe you take the one you can get and try to make the best of it – but it’s not ideal for your situation, and the result can be noticeable misbehavior.

      2. Clisby*

        I think I’ve noticed worsening dog-owner behavior. I’m not necessarily blaming the dog, although I’ll call Animal Control in a skinny minute if I need to. Maybe I’m just paying more attention and getting to BEC, but I’m seeing more and more owners who just do not know how to handle (and train) their dogs. People taking their dogs out with those long extension leashes, letting the dogs run off-leash in a public park dotted all over with signs that this is illegal and can get you a $1000+ fine, clueless owners who think it’s actually OK to let their dogs approach strangers, and on and on.

        1. Clumsy Ninja*

          As a veterinarian – dog behavior has definitely gotten worse. And I *mostly* blame the owners. I see more people wanting to get breeds that are completely inappropriate for their lifestyles and then wondering why the dog has anxiety or is destructive. I also see people getting dogs – even more appropriate breeds! – and then wanting to take them literally everywhere, without bothering to train them in anyway. (Which, yes, is like wanting to drag your small children everywhere and just assume that everyone is equally delighted by their presence.) It’s really not fair to the animals themselves or to the surrounding humans.

      3. Stephanie*

        My guess is a lot of separation anxiety since the dogs may have gotten accustomed to owners being home far more.

    4. Sloanicota*

      It’s not that I would say I regret getting my dog, who to be clear I love a lot, so much that I don’t think I would get another one. The sameness of the days is really hard on my mental stuff, and I worry a lot about his health, behavior, happiness etc. But you may benefit from some of the same things I did: 1) I got an older dog, so it’s a commitment of 4-5 years, not 11 – this also allows me to swallow some of the outrageous costs because, yaknow, it’s not forever. 2) I got an adult mutt who was living with a foster parent, so they could tell me a lot about his needs and behaviors. I’m glad I did it because it’s something I always dreamed of and there will never be a better time in my life to do it.

    5. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I regretted my dog. She was very sweet and I loved her big dumb self–she provided more moments of hilarity than I can count–but she was a stage ten clinger and that is NOT my type of pet. In fact the experience of owning her is what informed me that I am not, in any way, a dog person. The separation anxiety, the destruction of various crates, the random piddle puddles as she got older, the noise, the dog stank, the slobber, the unending neediness, the cost of boarding/daycare for anything longer than a four hour trip. Having a nose in my crotch every time I turned around because she couldn’t bear to be more than .5 inches away from me at any time. I couldn’t take her for walks because she would lose her mind if she saw another dog (leash reactive–she was an adult when I adopted her and the shelter conveniently forgot to mention any of her behavior issues, or the fact that she had tapeworms). I did hire a behaviorist/trainer for the leash issue, but even though it improved it never went away entirely.

      It was a really stressful ten years. I have cats now. I won’t say they nag less! They can be just as needy as dogs, of course. And sometimes one decides to wander the house, wailing endlessly about something that only he knows. But the workload. The workload even with multiple cats is sooo much easier to handle.

      If your husband has never had a pet of any kind, and you’re leaning toward a dog, I’d definitely recommend petsitting a friend’s for a week, or fostering first. Dogs can be a shock if you’re not ready for them.

      1. anon24*

        My husband wanted a dog so badly for the first few years we were married and I’m low key terrified of dogs so I kept telling him absolutely never. Due to an unfortunate series of events we ended up pet-sitting 2 dogs in our home with no notice for a week. It was awful, constant barking, whining, drooling all over absolutely everything (I had to scrub down every surface they had access too after they left), trying to walk them and figuring out what to do with them while we both worked 10 and 12 hour shifts and since then he has determined that he will love on other people’s dogs and pet sit in other people’s homes but that he will never ever get a dog. We are a cat family.

        1. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

          Yes! I’m completely with your husband, I LOVE other people’s dogs in other people’s places. I think dogs are precious and adorable and I’ll pet and coo over any random dog that’s safe to do so, and I’m 99% sure I never want one in my house ever again lol. They’re just…so…much. Give me cats any day.

      2. Clisby*

        I’ve never had to regret getting a dog because I put my foot down and said NO DOGS to my husband and children. All of them like dogs, but I do not and I flatly refused to have anything to do with caring for a dog. I worked from home while my husband had a really demanding in-office job, and I could see clearly that if we got a dog most of the care would fall on me, and I wasn’t having any of that.

        I grew up in a family that always had dogs, but that was different – we lived out in the country, dogs were never allowed in the house, and a dog that didn’t kowtow to every one of the alpha human family – even the toddler – would have been gone, pretty quickly.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Fostering is an EXCELLENT suggestion. Like you say, bringing a pet into a household is so much More Than Expected, even when you’ve had pets in the past, and dogs especially so. Trial runs and finding out if you are the person who can and will get up at five a.m. for walkies before a permanent commitment is a very very good idea.

    6. Anthology*

      I am 100% with you on the worsening dog behavior. It’s people’s entitlement. Taking non-service dogs everywhere, not leashing, not picking up waste, not training them out of lunging/jumping, leaving them outside at all hours.

      And much like with driving, even if you do the right thing yourself, you’re still exposed to those who don’t. Multiple people I know have commented that they miss being able to open their windows and not hear dogs constantly howling. It’s inescapable unless you own massive acreage. Aliens would think they’re the dominant species, with the way they’re allowed to act.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      The reason we love our pets as family members is that they have personalities–they aren’t just generic fluffy things. Destructobot and The Spanish Inquisition have distinct personalities, which are distinct from our previous cats’ personalities. Senior Dog is her own very chill go along with whatever personality, unlike all the other dogs we’ve owned. This personality is not guaranteed to go well with yours.

      We had a dog who turned out to be a pitbull mix (didn’t realize this at the shelter, as puppy) and he became much more aggressive at age two. This was right before the pandemic hit, so it was a while before we could take him to a trainer, who described it as anxiety coming out as aggression because he figured defending the family from the many dangers he perceived was on him–a diagnosis that clicked for both my spouse and I to characterize his behavior, and she gave us some guidance that improved matters. He died a year ago when he escaped a fenced yard and was hit by a car.

      My overall experience with this dog was eventually negative, though he was sweet at home–I had to be constantly on edge when walking him, on leash he would lunge and this was hard for me to counter with my radiation-damaged chest muscles, the usually chill older dog figured there must in fact be a problem with the approaching dog and would also lunge… it was not good.

      I want to wait on getting another dog until after we resolve whether we are moving or remodeling, and if we do my inclination is to go with a breeder and get a breed known for being easier, like a golden. (Previously have been all shelter pets.) Spouse would like to get another dog, but an older dog and not do puppies any more–he found the behavior frustrating but not to the degree I did, in part because of our dog approaches and in part that literally physically the lunging wasn’t as hard for him to counter.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I always want to adopt an adult dog because of having to rehome my kindergarten puppy.

      We adopted a cockapoo, and the shelter didn’t make it clear that poppa poodle was a STANDARD. Dog quickly outgrew our tiny yard, Mom hadn’t signed on for a daily hour of dog walking, and I wasn’t big enough to walk that far even alone.

      Never been a fan of Clifford because of the heartbreak….I don’t want a size surprise again.

    9. Double A*

      Yes, I regretted getting a dog. We got an old, very easy dog who has minimal needs and I still was annoyed that I had to take her to the bathroom multiple times a day. She was also kind of a traumatized dog so she didn’t give back a lot. I did appreciate her with the baby though, because she cleaned up the mess. She really was basically a living roomba.

      We gave her very comfortable golden years and I have had zero desire to get a dog since. However, this experience just confirmed that I’m really not a dog person. I can’t imagine not having cats and have and will go to lengths to have them in my life.

    10. Miss Thymia*

      We tried getting a dog several years ago but had to rehome him after a couple months because he wouldn’t stop hunting our cat. But as bad as I felt at the time, I’m kind of glad of the experience because it really brought home the fact that if/when we got a dog (which was always our plan) the majority of the work would fall on me. And even taking the stress of the two incompatible pets out of it, that’s really not what I want.

      We decided that we’d talk about it again after our cat is gone (he’s 15 now) but when we get to that point… I just don’t know. It depends how old the kids are at the time, our schedules at the time, etc. I feel bad because my husband has wanted a dog forever but I don’t want to be the one taking on the majority of the responsibility, and I plan to make that very clear before we try this again.

    11. TCM*

      I don’t have much advice for pets as I don’t have any but I can say my parents are struggling with their dog as they age. She has a lot of energy and stresses them out.
      Dog owner behavior in general is absolutely getting worse!! I was scolded on a beach for not being nice enough to big Dogs that kept running up to me. To be clear NO pets are allowed on the beach. What if I were allergic or had a past trauma? So selfish and entitled.

      1. TCM*

        I obviously did not like…..hurt these dogs. But I wasn’t overjoyed to see someone else’s “fur baby.” I understand you treat it like a child but it’s a random animal to me. I got a “oh no don’t go near her she clearly didn’t come to play with the dogs today.” No……I didn’t…..they’re not even allowed to be here…..

        1. Cat and dog fosterer*

          I have dogs, I love dogs, and I have fostered many dogs… but I do not like random dogs rushing up to me and I would be unhappy if dog owners were on a beach inappropriately. Those owners are… well, I think the word I want to use will get this comment blocked so let’s just say they are not nice at all.

      2. tuesday next*

        Man, we must frequent the same beaches. Always an off-leash dog right in front of the “no dogs on beach” signs, and entitled owners

    12. ronda*

      I really liked our 2 dobermans. the 1st one was in my parents house when I was a teenager, so many family members. the 2nd I got when my parents decided they didnt want her anymore and it was just me and her.
      after she died, I got a shelter dog. I did not end up liking that dog and she didnt really care about me. So after her , no more dogs, cause I was not good at picking out a suitable dog for me. (the doberman really seemed to think a lot about what I was up to — even when she was my parents dog)

      So I do think it often depends on the dog.

      another example, my aunt was a puppy raiser for a seeing eye dog organization. Out of 7 puppies she had, there was only one she really liked and would have wanted back (which is a thing if they dont pass seeing eye dog training). The only one that passed seeing eye training was the dog that she got along with great and would have taken back, because apparently that was just a really good dog.

      So maybe try fostering and adopt if you foster a dog you really have feelings for.

      1. HoundMom*

        I think this is key — finding the dog that fits you. I recently adopted a dog after losing one. We have had a number of dogs that we loved over the years, but I realized part of that was those dogs fit our lives at that time. So, I was pretty disciplined about what would work for me. Is it a neighborhood walking dog? A woods dog? A dog in the backyard? Will it ride in the car without a fuss? It is prone to health issues? I ended up with a dog that is perfect for my life now, though I would not have picked him on his looks and he was not what I thought I would pick. But, he is exactly what I need right now and he gives me a lot of joy.

        1. HoundMom*

          One more thing… the Humane Society does a great job at matching people to dogs. My last two came from there and both were exactly as described and thankfully, housebroken!

    13. Girasol*

      I’m wondering the same thing. My folks had a dear boxer dog. He was Dad’s TV pillow. He helped me learn to walk and he protected me from a few spankings. My first word wasn’t “mama” but the dog’s name. My parents sadly had to leave him behind on a cross-country job move. Eventually they got a new house and adopted a new boxer pup. That one ran away constantly, wet the carpet, chewed things, bit people, and was enough danger to my baby brother that my folks finally had to admit they couldn’t handle him. They gave him up. I have to remind myself that if I get a new pet there’s always the risk that it’s not all cuddles like I imagine but perhaps serious bad behavior that may be a big challenge to retrain.

    14. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Thankfully I have been lucky, but I have met so many people who felt like their dog had destroyed their life while they had that dog. There are probably people who regret a cat, but those seem to be far fewer. People who want to owner surrender cats tend to be family who inherited a cat from someone elderly or who moved and can’t cope. Most cat requests aren’t owner surrenders but rather ones that are abandoned or born feral.

      I don’t think dogs are much worse here. They had a study a few months ago that said reported incidents with dogs had increased something like 10% since before the pandemic, which some ‘expert’ blamed on bad training, but statistically we have more than 10% new dogs in the area since 2019 so there are fewer incidents per dog. There are more dogs with separation anxiety (bad training by owners), and a lot more parvo and illness (puppymills).

      Around here it was impossible to adopt a dog unless you got really lucky, and then the global economy got bad last fall and suddenly puppymills were dropping off dozens of dogs at rescues and since then it is pretty easy to adopt a rescue that is healthy both physically and mentally.

      If you decide to adopt a dog then find a breeder who has health tested the parents and knows what happened to the previous litters. A friend got a dog from a farmer who decided to have one litter, and the entire litter ended up with huge aggression issues (they were raised well, puppy was fine at 8 weeks, but as it got older there were clear problems and it was definitely genetic because perfect training made the problem less severe but didn’t fix things). Good breeders sometimes have older puppies or retired adults who might be a fit.

      If you decide to get a rescue dog then definitely get one from a foster-based rescue with a good reputation and get one that lived in a similar home to yours. I’ve had many foster dogs who were said not to have separation anxiety yet had it, some super bad, and it was because the shelters or homes that had them first always had someone there. One did really badly with me because I went to work, yet was rehomed to a large family where he had company almost always and they could work on his anxiety. We were honest about his issues, as I am with all my fosters, because the animal has to be in the right home for it to be happy. I never want one of mine to be unhappy because I lied and there was regret.

    15. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      We’ve had two dogs. both adopted. The first was about 2 1/2 when we got him, so at his permanent size. He was sweet and affectionate, once he got used to us, but unpredictable around other dogs – so we didn’t take him places with other dogs. He had many years with us, and I loved every minute. We adopted another dog, this one 7 years old, shortly after Dog 1 passed. This dog is not demonstrably affectionate, but he likes companionship. He’s persnickety and wants all things to be exactly a certain way. He’s also not great around other dogs, so we don’t take him around other dogs. Both dogs were small, under 20 pounds, which suits us perfectly since it’s a small house. As small dogs get old and have mobility issues, they’re easy to lift. All dogs make some messes, and we just take it in stride and clean it up. They’re dogs. The problem comes when people expect them to be something else, or can’t accept a particular dog’s personality because they want it to be just like one they saw in a movie, or some other unrealistic expectation.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      No, but right now we have our one cat, Peanut, who’s 15 and going strong, but I don’t know how I’ll feel about getting another pet later on. I’ve always wanted a dog, but getting older doesn’t always mesh with a dog’s needs for walks, etc.

      Also, I would want a fairly young, healthy animal so as to improve my chances of enjoying them for as long as possible, but again–aging means thinking twice over getting puppies or kittens.

    17. Rachel*

      I have a dog and I love her, but when she dies, I will not get another one.

      I think the determining factor on dog ownership is how well you live in a routine. If you like a predictable routine, you are more likely to fold a dog into it.

      If you are spontaneous or have a lot of variance in day to day living, introducing a dog will be a lot of logistics.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Well put, this is what I was trying to express less successfully above. I miss the spontaneity and the ability to spend a day away from home without a ton of planning (this is somehow who just left a dinner party and had to rush home because doggy daycare pick up is 9PM). It probably wouldn’t be as noticeable if I already lived in a strong routine.

    18. Generic Name*

      I regretted not screening my last cat better for personality (she was a psycho hose beast), but I’ve never regretted getting a pet in general. Right now I have 2 cats, a dog, and 1 fish tank (my husband has one as well, but he deals with his entirely). I’ve realized that I really love caring for pets and I love the companionship. I assume by nagging you mean when pets ask for attention or affection. I love when my dog boops my hand with her nose asking for pets, and I love that one of my cats comes running for pets every time I use the bathroom. My dog is sitting under my chair right now, and it makes me happy she wants to be next to me. I think I have a high tolerance for all the things that people see as downsides to pet ownership. Of course, it helps that my husband primarily cares for the dog while I primarily deal with the cats, so I’m not doing all the work.

      I agree with the recommendation to pet sit a dog to see if you are up for the work. It also sounds like getting a pair of cats might fit the bill for your lifestyle. The cats would keep each other entertained so they’re bugging you less.

    19. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      When my big floof crossed over the rainbow bridge, I seriously considered getting a new dog (he had given me a reason to get out of bed after my wife passed), but ultimately decided to pass because while I loved the company, I did not want the responsibility, etc… I wanted to be able to get away for a quick weekend, or go to the ballgame on the spur of the moment, or whatever without having to worry, “What about the dog?”.

    20. Wordnerd*

      This question comes at a very interesting time for me. My husband and I adopted two shelter cats (not a bonded pair, just enclosure mates) about 2 months ago. I love them and feel protective of them, but I am deeply concerned that I have bitten off more than I can chew. They are only 1 and 4, so we have many years ahead. The male (4) has had a UTI we have been trying to treat for 6 weeks, and also tends to play top rough and tackle the female in a way that makes her screech and hiss. My anxiety has been pretty rough the whole time. I know 2 months is not that long, and that it’s a big adjustment for everyone. I am both heartened by people on this thread regretting cats less than dogs, and maybe looking for some validation that this will get easier

    21. carcinization*

      I have a 14 year old Schipperke that I dearly love, but will likely never get another dog. He was a bit of a pain as a puppy (up to 2 years old or so) due to chewing things and being an escape artist, but grew out of some of that and an obedience class took care of other issues. He is generally extremely mild-mannered and easy to deal with other than that… he has a bit of a problem barking at guests (never doing anything else bad to them, just barking) until he gets used to them, but that’s it. However his breed is considered to be quite mischievous/too clever for their own good in general, so basically, we got lucky with him. We are in a decent situation because we have a fenced yard so can leave him outside for a few hours if needed, and my mother lives around 1.5 hours away so she can watch him if we want to go on vacation. Paying attention to the situations of our friends who are also dog owners, he is a dream, so again, that’s why we are not getting another dog. We also have a cat and have had other cats before, cats are indeed usually lower maintenance, though there was one we had to humanely re-home due to extreme incompatibility. We will probably get another cat after our current one if our living situation allows.

    22. There You Are*

      I regretted the puppy that my ex and I got when our Chocolate Lab began to act her elderly age. We had cats, too. The puppy just had too much energy for the elderly Lab, the cats, and for us.

      We tried our best for a little over two months; even got her to understand “Sit” and that she should walk beside or behind her humans, but she terrorized the other animals. The local rescue group we got her from took her back and she was adopted out to a family with no cats, no elderly pets, and a couple of older dogs (2-4 years old?) to help teach the puppy how to behave and to play with her.

      And I kind of regret adopting the dog we got after the puppy was rehomed. It was a 2-year old Great Pyr who had been part of a hoarding situation (over 200 dogs). She spent her entire life afraid of men in any context, and afraid of women who weren’t sitting down. She loved the cats, though, and understood after just one time of me scolding her that chasing squirrels or outside cats was bad.

      But she didn’t know how to play. She didn’t know what a ball was. She hated going on walks. She hated meeting other dogs. She knew how to chew up toys we gave her, so we gave her plenty since she seemed to enjoy that. And she had really bad separation anxiety for the first 4-5 years, destroying a lot of books and shoes and anything else she could get ahold of.

      If I lived in a place with moderate temperatures year-round, she would have preferred to live in the backyard full time; at least, until she got old. Then she wanted to come in after dark on her own, without me having to drag her in by the collar.

      So I had a dog for 14 years who barely interacted with me, other than to let me know when it was dinner time or when she wanted to go out. She seemed to enjoy being petted when I was seated, but that was it.

      On the one hand, I wish she had been a social dog. But on the other hand, I can imagine that things would have been much worse for her in any number of other households. (We were her third adopters, so she’d already been a really bad fit in two other families). So I regret adopting her for me, but not for her, if that makes sense.

      She just passed on Halloween Eve last year. I won’t ever get another dog. And the five cats I currently have are my last. The youngest is 2.5 years old. I’m 56. If all goes well, I’ll be putting him down when I’m 70-72, when I will probably be having trouble cleaning his litterbox and paying for all of his vet appointments and medications that senior cats always need.

    23. Phlox*

      I’m currently fostering a cat that I was considering adopting because he’s very cute, fluffy and relatively chill. But I realized I’m a dog person, and the mild charms of having him around don’t make up for the shenanigans he causes because he’s a cat (jumping on the top of my doors, making sewing challenging etc). Having a pet is going to change my lifestyle/setup and I want the upsides to be strong enough to justify the challenges. Having a 3 month guest kitty has been a lot of fun and just enough cat time for me!

  37. GythaOgden*

    Question inspired by the needlepoint thread rerun earlier in the week: embroiderers of AAM, what’s your current project?

    Mine is a rather optimistic poster from Russia about nuclear power. We all know what happened in 1986 (watched an interesting video explaining essentially how Chernobyl was a ‘dirty bomb’ rather than the equivalent of a nuke — they were answering the question how come Hiroshima was rebuilt while Pripyat had to be completely evacuated won’t be habitable; a dirty bomb is more survivable in the short term but more devastating to its surroundings in the long run), and about the ambivalence of nuclear energy in general. However, my dad at least worked in civil engineering and thus on several different power plants, so I’m doing a full coverage design in his honour. I have a few other designs planned — again, derived from Eastern European posters and also the sort of optimistic/comforting designs I need right now to get me through the blast-zone that is my current personal life.

    There are large single-colour expanses on the design but it’s really taking shape. Not sure the text on the poster will be legible from just the pixels, but I normally outline in backstitch anyway to bring out the definition of each letter. The program I run the images through to get the pattern isn’t smart enough to add in backstitch elements, but that’s what I can do easily enough myself.

    I’d love to hear about your projects — traditional, punk, or somewhere in the middle.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I never did anything with it, but at some point a couple years back I noticed that the diagram of the reactor rods in the Chernobyl reactor looked like a cross stitch pattern, so I cross stitched it.

      1. Yay! I’m a llama again!*

        I am currently undertaking a 40” long cross stitch of a birch forest in autumn/fall. It’s going to be gorgeous when it’s done, but I started it in February, I’m on page 3 if 30 so it’ll be a long one!

        1. GythaOgden*

          Sounds beautiful. Do you start from a corner/top then? My normal strategy is to start from the dead centre and work out, but I do now have some gridded aida, so I’m guessing that makes it easier to go page by page.

      2. GythaOgden*

        That’s legit awesome.

        My aspiration is to sew something derived from an actual photograph — I just have to find the right app settings and resolution, as some of the photos I want to stitch are slightly warped in terms of colour and things come out rather distorted, and at low resolution you just get a very cartoonish look anyway.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The grid I used is in the wiki article “Chernobyl disaster” under the “Accident” heading.

          I’ve never tried any of the “create your own pattern” type software, but it sounds cool. (I lose interest in super complex projects – I tend toward smaller ones or fairly basic sampler type things for the most part.

    2. StitchWitch*

      Your project sounds awesome! I just gridded my largest ever cross stitch (something like 12×31”)—a modern alphabetic sampler. I’m a designer and I teach design too so I thought it would be fun and fitting. There are lots of color blocks on this new project and for whatever reason that’s exactly what I’m in the mood for. What pattern app do you use? I’m thinking about starting to make my own patterns now that I’ve got the hang of cross stitch, I only started this year but I’m pretty obsessed.

  38. Grits McGee*

    I am in my mid-30s and, if genetics are anything to go by, have a decent likelihood of making it to my late 90s/early 100s. I need to stay as healthy+independent as possible for as long as possible. I know the basics (wear sunscreen, eat vegetables, alcohol in moderation, etc), but has anyone done a comprehensive medical exam or exams designed to evaluate where your body is and make specific recommendations for maintaining health into the future? Is that something that exists?

    2. fposte*

      I really recommend Peter Attila’s book Outlive. He has a practice intensely focused on this, and well, I’m sure it’s heavily self-pay, it gave me a lot to think about.

      1. MassChick*

        +1
        Finished the book recently and have also listened to his podcasts. I like his approach of training for old age. Though I’m less convinced about the amount of protein he recommends (probably because I know I’m unlikely to try and get that much!)

        1. fposte*

          Yes, despite his denial of being a hack-your-metabolism dudebro, he pretty much is a hack-your-metabolism dudebro, but he’s a very insightful one. And then Iwent on to read some Katy Bowman, who’s got some excellent material, but goes too far for me sometimes on the woo and crunchy side, so I figure I got balanced out.

          I explored the more protein thing. Unfortunately, a well-meaning dietitian suggested that I could get more protein by adding peanut butter more to my diet. She did not know that she was dealing with someone who has no moderation whatsoever, and after a peanut butter habit went up to probably close to half a jar a day with visible effects around my abdomen and hips I am no longer allowed to have peanut butter in the house.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve always thought that an annual physical would accomplish this. This is my physical usually entails: bloodwork, vitals, weight, palpate abdomen, recommendations for specific screening tests (gyno, mammo, etc.) and vaccines. I’ll admit that I’ve wished more could be done in one comprehensive visit. I’ll be interested to see what others say.

    4. *kalypso*

      Yes. GPs normally offer this. Depending where you live and your exact age there may be a special kind of appointment for it that’s offered/billed differently to an appointment for a medical certificate or small issue or script renewal, you may need a regular double appointment, but the people best placed to advise you are the receptionists. If you don’t already have a regular GP just start calling around and say you’re after a health assessment and general check up, which is sometimes, shockingly, called a comprehensive. They’ll be able to guide you from there and if you need any scans or blood tests in advance they’ll sort out a smaller appointment first to get those ordered. For example where I live there’s a one-off health assessment available to people who have particular risk factors when they reach 45, and there are regular screenings recommended and partially government funded at various intervals from 35 onwards that you can get done at a yearly check up (you just go in once a year and if it’s been x years since the last one they order it so not all of them every year, but some each year). Most of the advice just ends up the same stuff that the health department have online like eat well, don’t drink, don’t smoke, exercise this much, but if it needs customising the GP will do that.

      That said, if you already know that, you may prefer to just like, stay out of the system as long as you can

      1. Grits McGee*

        Thanks for this kalypso, not having a word to really describe the type of appointment I was looking for was tripping me up!

    5. Old and Don’t Care*

      Everything I have read about executive-type physicals indicates that they find a lot of things that may or may not actually be problems. Coincidentally I turned on Dr. Radio this morning to hear the host say “I try to stay away from rheumatologists with a very good reason to see one. They test for a lot of stuff and will usually find something, but the test results don’t mean much in the absence of symptoms.” I am slightly familiar with Dr. Attila per below and paying much attention to him would stress me out so much life would not be worth living. I would enjoy my thirties, first and foremost.

      Having said that, I would recommend the book “Thinner This Year” by Chris Crowley and Jennifer Sacheck, if you can handle some diet talk. Sacheck is a little extreme for me as far as recommendations, but I think the information she presents is good as far of the “whys” of nutrition and exercise. But mostly I enjoy Crowley’s stories about living a good and healthy life as you age. He was, I think, in his late seventies when he wrote the book and an avid cyclist and rower, and I find him aspirational. And funny. His “Younger This Year” covers some of the same ground without the diet book, so that may be better for some, but I liked the fitness focus of “Thinner” and I don’t really care if Dr. Sacheck thinks ice cream should be a very occasional treat.

      Finally, my most important advice is to take care of your teeth. They don’t heal, and while you can start exercising in your 70’s and benefit from it, when damage is done to your teeth it is done. And dental problems can cause lots of other problems in the elderly. There’s a post below about cracked teeth and Invisalign vs. mouth guards…my dentist advised me for years to get a mouuth guard. I didn’t think I would like it so I didn’t. And now I have crowns on several cracked teeth, as well as five implants. Once you start getting into all that, things only go in one direction. (Obviously I have a mouth guard now.) So do what you can to protect your natural teeth!

    6. Hatchet*

      I don’t know if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but I’ll toss it out on the chance it might help. A good share of my family tends to live into their 90s, but we have family history of high BP and related issues. At one of my GP annual checkups in my mid/late 30s, I addressed this – knowing I’m at risk, can we see if I have any symptoms/early indicators? She ran tests, but also referred me to a cardiologist, who ran a few tests of his own. Mostly clean bill of health (thankfully), but it eased my mind knowing that a cardio had given me his all clear (and that I have a cardio I like in my dr. rolodex if I need to see them again).

      So my TL,DR two cents is if you have family history of anything that might be concerning to you as you grow older, check in with your Dr. regarding those items now-ish and see if you need any pre-screening or extra attention.

    7. Tired*

      Buy long term care insurance.

      I got this advice twenty years ago and ignored it. My husband is 63, had seizures, we don’t know why, had to retire, needs care for… we don’t know how long. I deeply regret not spending that money.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding this advice. My parents were advised to buy long-term care insurance (by a friend whose parents hadn’t done so and had very expensive care needs).

        It was kind of expensive, but it totally paid for itself — both of them wound up needing 24-hour in-home care for a fair bit of time near the end of their lives, and while the long-term care insurance didn’t cover all of it, it did cover a nice chunk of it. I ran the numbers, and given what the premiums were, we wound up getting all that money back.

        The only problem is that it is sometimes hard to trigger your policy benefits. My mom’s insurer (Genworth) was no problem, but she was also on hospice care, so I guess the insurance company figured there was a limited amount of time they’d have to pay out. My Dad’s insurer (can’t remember, but it was a different company) was kind of a pain about triggering the benefits, but our home health care agency managed to convince them.

        I bought as much long-term care insurance as I could afford at the time when I was offered it, and I’m glad I did.

  39. Wannabe Expat*

    What’s your favorite thing to do to relax on a sick day? I’m bed bound for the weekend to recover from something minor and I’m not one that’s very good at sitting still.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Audiobook, with hand crafts or light puttering with plants.

      (I hate migraines because I can’t focus on anything so I sit in a hot bathtub and feel sorry for myself. )

    3. GythaOgden*

      If I’ve got a headache, I just sleep.

      If I have a cold, or flu, or something that doesn’t leave me in agony, though, my Nintendo Switch fills that niche. Battle Royale games are fun for some light, casual gaming that won’t ever last too long so I’ve got a convenient place to stop if I feel sick.

      Or I lie back, put YouTube podcasts on, set a timing device on my phone so it will switch off after a certain period of time, and just doze.

    4. Breaking Dishes*

      Knitting, reading, streaming TV, or learning something on YouTube. Good luck.

    5. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      If you must move, short gentle walks, as well as 10-20 mins of yin yoga or restorative yoga are really helpful for me when I’m sick with something minor enough that I get restless but where I still need to rest and not increase inflammation in my body through exercise.

      You can also make lists of everything you need to do but are frustrated you can’t.

      You can call people and catch up with them.

      Listen to a meditation or a book. I love Suzanne Scurlock-Durana’s meditations when I’m sick.

      If you must do things, do them in much shorter bursts than you normally would and give yourself fully joyful permission to leave them unfinished or do a half-assed job.

    6. EdgarAllanCat*

      I am entertained for hours by browsing jetpens . com, estatesales. net, and postmodern furniture & lighting. Also reddit’s AITA (am I the @sshole).

  40. unpopular opinion*

    Am I the only feminist who is uninterested in the Barbie movie? I grew up with the version of feminism, while admittedly flawed, but was the kind where it was OK to be female and not like pink or be super feminine. For a while there was more balance where it was OK to be feminine AND like non-feminine coded things, like technology, and both kinds of people could co-exist and support each other.
    Now, it seems like only hyperfeminine feminism is acceptable, wtf happened? I’ve heard that the movie has some positive and inclusive messages, which is good, but I still don’t want to see it. Am I the only one who remembers that Barbie has caused harm by inflicting horrible beauty standards upon us for decades? It’s feels like an abusive relationship where someone never changes and then they change a teeny bit and that’s supposed to immediately forget all the past harm.
    When I first heard about it, I rolled my eyes but now it’s not going away. I know people aren’t watching the Barbie movie “at” me, but it certainly feels that way. Especially now that right wingers are denouncing the movie, like anyone who doesn’t want to see it is a villian. I feel like we’re all being duped by late stage capitalism. It’s like that episode of the Simpsons where Lisa is trying to convince people that the only difference between the old and new Malibu Stacy doll is she has a new hat but they stampede her to get them anyway. I see you, Lisa Simpson.

    I am curious about the actual movie content but do not want to give Mattel money to profit further. Though, I don’t know if I could stomach that much pink for a couple hours anyway. Hmm.

      2. Double A*

        I think it’s kind of like Black Panther. A lot of women are excited to see something that is a huge mainstream event that is specifically for women and that is fun and over-the-top, while also being respectful and celebratory of them.

        After decades of being told we need to have a complicated relationship with Barbie (and many of us did/do), it’s also fun to just indulge in the enjoyment of her which many of us felt deeply as kids.

        Not saying anyone has to feel this way, simply explaining the hype and why many people are leaning into it so hard.

        1. unpopular opinion*

          That’s a good point. I respect what Greta Gerwig is trying to do but I also don’t think she can fully realize her vision under Mattel’s control. I saw an article where they won’t admit it’s a feminist movie. I don’t think it is either personally, but that still sucks. I don’t think you could make a full feminist take on Barbie in our age of marketing and trademark control unless it’s a parody, sadly. It’s still impressive she got as far as she did but yeah, still not for me.

          2. MaryB*

            I’m not sure how you can determine if it’s feminist or not if you’re refusing to watch it. If you don’t want to, fine, not everything is for everyone. But just like I don’t think you can judge a book you don’t read, I don’t think you are qualified to judge a movie you haven’t seen.

      3. Clisby*

        That’s how I felt. I never had a Barbie as a child (I’m 69) and don’t get the appeal, but other than that, hey, if you like Barbie, go to the movie. Not My Problem.

        1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

          That’s me – I never had a Barbie (or any Name Brand doll). I thought the original ones were ugly, and the replacement, less RBF ones, looked vapid. As I got a lot older, I couldn’t believe how many decades it took to change the unrealistic body shape. All the silly clothes to represent various professions struck me as no more real than a Halloween costume would be. So I don’t see anything feminist about Ms. Vinyl, and I hate pink, so I will not waste money on the movie.

          1. Maggie*

            The originally created Barbie was not feminist, this movie and its take on being a woman is feminist. You realize in talking about Barbie you called her ugly, vapid, and said she has resting bitch face. Don’t see the movie if you don’t want, although I think you’d be surprised by what you find. But if you think “Barbie is stupid and looks dumb and I don’t want one because she’s vapid” is some kind of enlightened take, I’d have to disagree with that. Please explore the deeply entrenched internalized misogyny in your comment.

            1. Dark Macadamia*

              “This (pretend) woman isn’t like me and therefore is stupid and bad” is not the hot feminist take people want it to be lol

    2. RussianInTexas*

      I don’t have any particular interest in seeing it in the theaters, but will watch when it pop up on HBO or something.
      I do like the actors in it, and the trailers are reasonably funny.
      I just? Have no interest in Barbie in general? Did not grow up with one, don’t care for pink, and the story doesn’t seem worth it for me to pay the tickets money.
      No ideological reasons. Just not much interest.

      1. Alex*

        Same here, and FWIW, while there’s a ton of marketing being done for the movie, I only know one person IRL who went to see it/said anything about it at all. So we definitely aren’t the only ones!

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Oh, I saw a TON of people in my friends group, mostly women, who went and saw it yesterday on the opening night, bringing their teen daughters, all dressed in pink. It’s a THING.
          I got tickets to the Oppenheimer for tomorrow instead.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Not because I think it’s more “worthy”, because it seems to be more interesting to me, personally.
            I am the person who went to see Top Gun: Maverick in the theatre, and loved it, after all.

            1. Double A*

              I just cannot with 3 hour movies. Like honestly talk about unrealistic body expectations, 3 hours without a bathroom break?

          3. Filosofickle*

            Based on my FB feed, I’m surprised by how many went on opening night! All dressed up! Not my close friends, but a cross-section of the various women I went to school with etc

            I’ll watch it when it’s not in a theater. I appreciate the interviews I’ve read with Gerwig, Robbie, Gosling — it sounds like there’s more than meets the eye (though plenty of that too)

        2. RussianInTexas*

          It’s on track to make $150 mil in the opening weekend, which is a very healthy number for a non-MCU/Star Wars/Disney/established franchise movie.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I also will watch it on streaming.
        • The trailer reminds me of the Toy Story 4 take on post-Apocalypse Bo Peep, which I liked.
        • Margot Robbie. I loved her Harley Quinn even when I felt like the men writing and directing Harley Quinn don’t get what’s so appealing about Robbie’s charisma in that role–that she looks like a fantasy but is dangerous. A similar vibe to River Tam (Serenity) and Clarissa Mao (Exodus). I’m not generally interested in the Batman etc movies, but Harley popped as a character for me and I think it’s all on Robbie.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I like Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling a lot, from what I read he is hilarious in this movie. But I’ll wait.
          Margot Robbie was excellent in I, Tonya.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I mean, I never got into Game of Thrones, either. I still remember watching the first episode and being irritated that we got Danaeris’s extended nude bathing scene, and then in the men’s baths at the North everyone stayed primly bundled in towels up to their armpits so we would not be traumatized by a glimpse of a male thigh. So I dropped it. But other people were really into it! And I loved book 3 of The Scholomance and Season 3 of Ted Lasso, and I know some people really disliked them. We’re into different things and that’s okay.

      I’ve mellowed a lot on Barbie over the past 20 years (my daughter is 27, for context) and see her more as an embodiment of a lot of cultural things that already existed, and continued to exist–she didn’t cause them, and she became popular for a reason, and that was almost solely due to women and girls so I really hate to heap blame there. I recall my daughter became more into Barbie because if she took Buzz Lightyear to daycare everyone wanted a turn playing with him, but if she took Barbie people didn’t ask her to share.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I liked GOT but could not get in to This Is Us or Modern Family or The Wire.
        That’s why we have all kinds of media! Something for everyone.

      2. unpopular opinion*

        I wasn’t watching GOT for lack of cable, I tried watching it at a friend’s place but the on-screen rape was too much.

        I loved your day care story!

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember keeping track of peen sightings in GoT, and realized you really only saw one when its unfortunate owner was about to be murdered or otherwise massively physically inconvenienced.

    4. Anthology*

      I think turning a movie about a toy into a feminism thinkpiece is equally ingenious and disgusting on the part of their marketing team. Nobody bothered to try something similar with Transformers. See it or don’t, but don’t play into their faux philosophy.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Nope – like I said upthread, I’ve just been bombarded with it EVERYWHERE. Like, every website I go to, Barbie ads, Barbie post recommendations, “You may be interested in this article about the Barbie movie!” and just no, I was burned out on it before it released. I might watch it when it hits a streaming site, but.

        1. RedinSC*

          yeah, but on one of the 3 network channels is the Hot Wheels challenge. it’s all just marketing and, trying to have some fun, too.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, same thing here. My sister loved Barbie as a kid, but I was never very interested in playing with dolls, I vastly preferred playing with Lego. I had like one Barbie, my sister had at least 5, and Ken, and Cindy, and… I sometimes built houses and cars out of Lego for my sister to play with her dolls in.

        I didn’t see Titanic until 2005 because I got so sick of the theme song that was playing all the time on the radio. After a while, I’d always switch to another station when I heard the first few notes. Before Titanic I quite liked Céline Dion, but after the theme song came out I couldn’t stand her voice for years.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t find the “only feminine feminism” thing to be true at all, but I do think a lot of women who grew up rejecting “girly” things are now embracing/reclaiming them because they realize how damaging it was to be taught otherwise.

      Plenty of people loved Barbie and it didn’t harm our body image in the same way that loving Cookie Monster didn’t make us think an all-cookie diet is healthy.

      You don’t have to like Barbie or pink or be excited for the movie but acting like these things are ruining feminism, or that people who enjoy them are “in an abusive relationship” (with… fun? nostalgia? a cute aesthetic?) is pretty ridiculous.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Yeah, I remember the whole “GOT is so violent towards women, how can you even watch it”, and let me watch what I want?

      2. fueled by coffee*

        Yes, this. When I was a kid (90s) and teen (00s-10s), being interested in fashion and makeup and femininity was equated with being shallow and vain, all while these products were being marketed at us. The ideal was to be preternaturally beautiful without trying, and when those of us who were not preternaturally beautiful tried to use the products that were being marketed at us non-stop, suddenly we were shallow, too. It’s a no-win situation, and I’m glad that there’s been increasing resistance to this.

        Is it unfair that young girls (and adult women) are constantly facing pressure to conform to feminine, Euro-centric, thin beauty standards? Yes, obviously. Is Barbie/Mattel a contributor to that pressure? Sure. Is the Barbie movie going to solve feminism for us? Of course not. But I also think that Barbie is a symptom, not a cause, of this larger problem. Barbie didn’t convince me that I should aspire to a thin, pretty, white, feminine ideal; every magazine/book/TV show/advertisement I saw told me that.

        And, honestly, in this cultural moment, I’m way less concerned with girls liking dolls or pink clothes or makeup and way more concerned with our collective loss of bodily autonomy and economic independence. Barbie, crucially, *doesn’t* lean into the creepy tradwife trend that’s been going around: she’s a President/doctor/astronaut/teacher/lawyer, all while being feminine. Is that the only model girls should see? Of course not. But I don’t think that seeing diverse ways of being a woman is a problem.

        And, like, yeah, obviously this is blatant marketing for Mattel. But every other movie in existence is also a marketing grab for big studios or corporations or products (hi, Marvel).

        1. Maggie*

          I really encourage people in this thread to watch Barbie! Based on what you’ve wrote we’re a similar age and I think it would resonate in a way with you. And yes Mattel is gonna make $$ off this but you might really be surprised by the way Mattel is portrayed in the film. It’s also very self aware and blatantly mocks the fact that women were told we can do anything because Barbie did it!

        2. AGD*

          Same. I had the same knee-jerk reaction as in the top of the thread, but it’s the sort of thing I’ve been trying to do some unlearning about in the last ten years.

          I’m a cis woman but had zero interest in Barbie when I was a kid in the ’90s because I really wanted my human toys to look like real people. Then I got mocked for being bookish and not very girly. I was infuriated – it was as if society, through the lens of peer pressure imposed by my classmates, was trying to force me to lose interest in being into intellectual stuff. The Malibu Stacy episode broke my heart because I was a kid when I watched it and it captured so much about how I was feeling and then went for a really cynical ending. I spent years leaning into my nerd-tomboy persona unapologetically even though it lost me some friends.

          I now think how I reacted was understandable, but not very realistic. Demonizing feminine stuff as supposedly anti-intellectual didn’t actually help anything. Traditionally masculine things can be airheaded for sure, only they usually don’t get called that – and it’s no surprise that traditional elitist intellectual spaces are extremely masculine. Standing up for the rights of women means standing up for the rights of women to make choices, even if it’s not always the same choices that the one specific woman who is me would make.

          Among my outspoken feminist friends, I see some who played with Barbies a lot, some who played with them occasionally, and some who didn’t for various reasons. The ones who did weren’t somehow more brainwashed than the ones who didn’t. Barbie just happened not to appeal to me. The body image stuff is not great, but I agree that Barbie is more a symptom of that than the cause (advertisements have probably done far more damage than toys, and no kids have been playing exclusively with Barbies). And as anyone who’s seen Lady Bird can attest Greta Gerwig is way, way too smart and no-nonsense to make a film about Barbie that isn’t funny, thoughtful, and subversive.

          I’m still working on adjusting my mindset – I have a hard time not seeing the makeup aisle automatically as an agent of oppression as I started doing when I was about 10. What has helped in adulthood was the realization that the people I know who wear makeup are those who really like makeup, and those people get a lot of joy out of it and are incredible artists. If I went around forcing everyone not to wear makeup, that wouldn’t be bestowing more freedom on women in general; it would be forcing everyone to conform to my own preferences arbitrarily just because I’ve decided I have the only correct opinion. And feminism is about resisting efforts to control women, like the example I hypothetically advanced in the previous sentence. Wanting to peer-pressure others out of wearing makeup isn’t better than others wanting to peer-pressure me into doing so.

          As an adult, I finally decided to just go with all of my own preferences regardless of how conventionally feminine they are. I’ve welcomed pink and frilly stuff back into my wardrobe part-time. Gonna be me. My gender identity is stable, but my expression varies depending on the day and how I’m feeling and what the weather’s like and whether I need to do laundry later. I have a demanding career in academia, and wearing a pink skirt with bows and ruffles if I feel like it is, as it turns out, just one of a whole bunch of possibilities, and none of the possibilities mean leaving my brain at home.

      3. Roland*

        Yeah like you don’t have to watch it but the feminist angle feels out of left field. I am a feminist, I will be watching Barbie, the two facts feels unrelated in my mind. Feminism does not require you to either watch it or abstain from it. I don’t subscribe to “feminism is about choice!1!”, it’s not that, I just don’t see what is so special about this movie as to make watching it actively un-feminist as opposed to any other big-budget mainstream movie.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah, it honestly didn’t even cross my mind to question if the movie will be a feminist story, or if it’s feminist to go see it. It looks funny and has a good cast? Can I not just exist and enjoy myself for two hours?

          I don’t see anyone questioning if Oppenheimer is a feminist film, and if so is it the right kind of feminism, and and and… it feels super gross to see an unapologetically woman-centered film, created by a woman, marketed to women, that is specifically JOYFUL and FUN about these things, and decide THIS is the problem with feminism today. Not everything by/for/about women has to be deep or empowering or whatever.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Over-analysing everything filmed and written is a trend I don’t like at all.
            Sometimes a movie is just a movie.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            I don’t see anyone questioning if Oppenheimer is a feminist film.
            Thank you so much for saying this.

          3. kina lillet*

            Oppenheimer has a lot of other discussions about it, specifically a debate about how it’s portraying the sad inventor of an extraordinary atrocity; and the righteousness of said atrocity has been debated hotly since it occurred. So it also certainly has its political elements.

            On the Barbie side, the movie is both a film and a feature length advertisement. You can certainly like it, I’ll probably like it, but sanctifying it so dearly and dragging the feminist killjoy straw man up from the basement is an overcorrection.

            1. kina lillet*

              And, sorry, this comment is too harsh. Your last paragraph is a pet peeve of mine, but I went too hard.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Barbie’s entire deal is that she can be anything! Lawyer, doctor, astronaut, whatever. Pink isn’t anti feminist, it’s just a color.

          1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

            Weren’t those just costumes, like pretending to be in those professions? I don’t recall seeing a “Barbie living on Ramen and pulling her hair out because she’s so stressed in grad school” phase.

            3. Falling Diphthong*

              *dons scholarly cap*
              During play, children pretend to be in various jobs, including things like “vet” and “spiderman” and “teacher.” Sometimes they use dolls of various forms to do the pretending, and sometimes they themselves are the heroic vet and the dolls hold roles like “the baby” or “the sidekick” or “the evildoer who has kidnapped all the baby animals.” (Sooo many rescues of the baby animals when my daughter was around seven.)

              Are you unfamiliar with the concept of toys? Teaching your child to pull her hair out with anxiety would be considered bad parenting.

              1. RussianInTexas*

                I used to construct princesses from playdough and crystal drinking glasses (let me tell you, mom was NOT happy when she found out). I did not add a racist imperialistic family and housing by paparazzi to my play.

            7. ThatGirl*

              There were literally commercials that said “we girls can do anything! right, Barbie?”

              The other replies have explained the concept of toys to you.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Food for thought: I listened to an interview with the author of a series of books about princesses, I think at a boarding school. And how she would go into elementary schools to do a reading, and the school would divide out the girls and send them to hear a real live author who wrote books for girls, and have the boys do other stuff because obviously boys wouldn’t be interested in this stuff and shouldn’t be exposed to it. And how she remembered doing a reading for a school who realized–after she objected–that this proposed solution was bad, and a boy coming up to say how he wanted to get the book because he really wanted to know what happened next. Hunger Games stands out to me as the rare exception to demonstrate “Hey, boys could read an adventure where the girl is the main character and be really into it.” Usually it’s depicted as male hero = male and female audience, female hero = female audience.

      As a culture we criticize girls and boys for being into things that are too girly, while an interest in boy stuff is seen as admirable–the tomboy has an admired role in stories that the effeminate boy never got, and that was true 80 years ago and is true today. I’m not into Barbie, but I’m not going to criticize people who are getting stuff out of her revival.

        1. Double A*

          Yeah, and that’s the easiest way to inder it: Barbie is basically a female superhero, so they hype is akin to one of those movies but serving and underserved demographic in that arena (women). And the fact that a woman directed this film and is getting a ton of visibility for it is also meaningful for people.

          1. unpopular opinion*

            Or you get a female superhero but in impractical outfits etc, and can only exist with a love interest, ugh.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              Check out the Jill Bearup YouTube channel, she does a lot of reviews about fictional female armor, and they are hilarious.

                1. Falling Diphthong*

                  High heels on action heroes are my pet peeve. I make rare exceptions, such as The Widow in Into the Badlands–she dressed in an exaggerated feminine way and all the impractical accoutrements were also weapons that could kill you, which was an important aspect of her character. When we meet her she’s in stilettos and she uses them to kill someone who foolishly thinks she’s unarmed.

                  Helps that it was based on a comic, and carried that feel–I remember the actor for the main character, Sunny, explaining the distinction between kicks that look cool (you do them in the show) and kicks that are effective in real life fighting (you do them when you are not in a fictional story with a script). Also that his leather duster looked great but was not fun to wear filming S1 in Louisiana in the summertime.

      2. AGD*

        Yep, Shannon Hale, and she nailed it. Princess Academy deserved its Newbery Honor – it’s incredibly sophisticated. It’s about education and politics and urban-rural relations and class and gender and traditions and subjectivity and risk and adventure and absolutely everything. Kids of whatever genders should read it.

    8. mreasy*

      Hi guys! I saw the Barbie movie and it is extremely not glorifying the hyperfeminine aspect of Barbie. It’s quite satirical and the message is strongly feminist. Like not in a fake way, even? I’m pretty anti-capitalist and stuff. I was actually telling my husband on the way home that I was surprised that Mattel went for it. The marketing of the film lacks nuance, though, and that is a bummer because I’m sure it’s turning people off who would otherwise really like it! I will go see any Greta Gerwig film, but I think this is her best… it is an incredibly made film that truly is focused on women (of many body types, races, and abilities) working together in collective action. It is also very funny and of course silly, but I was impressed by its subversiveness!

      1. mreasy*

        Lol “I’m pretty anti-capitalist and stuff” was meant to be, “I’m pretty anti-capitalist, and stuff that glorifies consumer products and a high-consumption lifestyle isn’t something I can enjoy even ironically.”

        1. unpopular opinion*

          Thank you, that is helpful. Is it really “all” body types? Sometimes people say “all body types” but they only mean “up to size 14 or 16” (eyeroll).

          1. Maggie*

            Yes, one of the main Barbies is a larger woman who would definitely be above that size, sorry dk the politically correct way to say that. It is also racially and gender identity diverse.

          2. mreasy*

            I hear you. One of the main Barbies (who is treated as just as glamorous and successful as the thinner characters) is not straight-sized. Another of the main Barbies is a trans woman – and there is a Barbie in a wheelchair featured in the dance party sequence. I was impressed by how seamlessly they incorporated what felt like an actually representative group of women.

        2. unpopular opinion*

          Thank you, that helps articulate some of what I’m feeling about it, too.

      2. anxiousGrad*

        I don’t even know that it’s fair to say that the marketing lacks nuance, though. The very first teaser was an homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, which I feel like set the tone for the fact that it would be pretty satirical/subversive/not just a silly Barbie movie.

    9. unpopular opinion*

      Thanks everyone for sharing, I’m glad it’s not just me. I feel a little less like I’m drowning in pink.

      Also, thanks again to whomever recommended Bellwether by Connie Willis in a past book thread, or maybe it was Alison? I’m re-reading it as a coping mechanism.

    10. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I think feminism is not the same as feminine. Femininity changes shape over time based on what society says and how we experience it.

      Feminism is about having a choice about how to present your femininity or not in the world, regardless of your gender or gender presentation.

      You make an important point that part of feminism is the right to opt out of things that people say you just be all about.

      Just because right wingers have chosen yet another random thing to irrationally target, doesn’t mean we have to now all go support that thing.

      We are not a cult. We have critical thinking and freedom of choice and I hope all your choices and boundaries are warmly welcomed, even celebrated.

      1. unpopular opinion*

        Thanks, maybe someday. I’m trying to support my more feminine friends’ choices but don’t always feel supported. I’m leaning but not fully nonbinary. I sometimes think it’d be easier with friends if I was and comfortable being out about it.

    11. CTT*

      So, there’s the marketing and then there’s the movie itself. I have also found the marketing exhausting for months. BUT, all the reviews I’ve read and people I’ve talked to who have seen it say that the movie is actually much more in line with the Malibu Stacy episode that you referenced than the straight-to-video Barbie movies of our youth. Unfortunately, “a deep dive into the cultural construction of femininity” is a hard sell, so they have to go all-in on the silliness. (I actually think there is a very similar thing happening with Oppenheimer, where all the marketing has been “GET READY BECAUSE NOLAN DETONATED AN ACTUAL BOMB YOU GUYS,” and then the reviews are “what a haunting three hours on the horrors of war that we have wrought.”)

      1. unpopular opinion*

        OMG the straight to video movies, those creeped me out, both because the plots were ridiculous but also the animation was so creepy. I’m a bit old for them but my niblings had them for a while.

        The juxtaposition of Oppenheimer is so interesting, too. I’m assuming it’s mostly coincidence that they were released together, but I find it kind of ironic and amusing.

    12. Rachel*

      I think feminism means choice and autonomy.

      You can be a feminist and like pink. You can be a feminist and hate pink. You can be a feminist and wear pink at the Barbie movie. You can never watch the Barbie movie ever.

      I don’t think what you wear or what you watch has anything to do with feminism at all.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Many times on this website when someone asks an advice about say makeup, hair color, in the way of “how to”, people start nitpicking the language and scolding for using wrong words, un-femenist ideas, bending to patriarchy, etc.
        I like how my face looks with makeup on. I find makeup fun. I prefer to cover my greys. This says absolutely nothing about my believes and values.

        1. Rachel*

          An unpopular opinion of my own: there are absolutely exceptions to this.

          But I am pushing 40 and I’ve noticed more people in my cohort have the “women can do whatever they want” perspective. My mother’s generation is more likely to have the opinion “taking your husband’s name, dressing like anything other than Margaret Thatcher, these things are an affront to feminism.”

          And I get this, I do. I think sometimes they see it as snubbing all the work they did, like I’m throwing it back in their face.

          The OP says she feels pressure to be feminine and I do not doubt that experience at all. But my experience is the opposite, that feminism has a very ugly thread of gatekeeping, like you are only allowed in if you are a very specific kind of feminist.

        2. connie*

          100%. This is a quarterly conversation over here, where someone has to reach out from the second wave to shame people for not doing feminism right.

          Feminism is not incompatible with joy. I would suggest that feminism requires joy. If you pay attention to what people say and do in activist spaces, they talk about the importance of being joyful and doing something FUN because how else can you keep going.

          So see Barbie or not, but this might actually be a case where being in tune with the Discourse on social media might be helpful.

          1. Leigh*

            “Other people have different interests and tastes than me, but why tho?” is possibly my least favorite recurring discussing topic here.

    13. Let's go party!*

      The film is a glorious celebration of feminism and women, and it rocks. I’m sorry your notion of feminism is so out of date.

    14. Generic Name*

      The cool part about feminism is that a person can be female and like pink or be female and not like it. I grew up when things that were female-coded (pink, dolls, caregiving) were seen as less than things that were male-coded (science, sports, sarcasm) were cool. The cartoon character Daria is the epitome of this attitude. I was very anti anything “girly” when I was a teen, even though I had Barbies as a girl. I was into serious things like science and baggy clothing. Now as a middle aged woman, I am a scientist and I also happen to have some pink clothing and like wearing dresses. I’m wearing all pink and watching the Barbie movie with some fellow Gen-X women, and I’m looking forward to having a good time at the movies. If you aren’t interested in seeing that movie, don’t. I’m not interested in Oppenheimer, so I’m not seeing it. I’m sure the people who see it will enjoy it, and I’m sure it’s a good movie. It’s just not for me.

      2. AGD*

        I am similar but GenY, and now finally understand why someone in high school kept calling me Daria! (I’d heard of the show and figured it was a reference to that, but I never watched it so I hadn’t realized there was a reason beyond the fact that I had brown hair and glasses. Haha!)

    15. RagingADHD*

      I mean, I remember when Career Barbie could be an airline stewardess or a teacher. And when one of the talking Barbies said “math is so hard.”

      I think the pinky-pink stuff is supposed to be about reclaiming traditional feminine interests as worthwhile parts of culture. And there’s some merit in that, because the “not like other girls” trope had become very prevalent, where you signal that a character is feminist by making her love STEM and contact sports, and hate dresses or anything pink. Which of course, reinforces the misogynistic attitude that “girly” stuff is stupid and frivolous, and therefore girls are stupid.

      But ultimately Mattel doesn’t give a crap about feminism or what any of it means. It’s a toy company that cares about selling toys.

      The movie is a feature-length toy commercial that has revamped its image to make the toy more appealing to contemporary buyers. Mattel is okay with Gerwig superimposing something that feels philosophical or relevant onto their commercial. And they are okay with the buzz over conservatives being mad, because Boomers don’t buy Barbies much anymore, anyway. They’ve aged out of the target market.

      Anything that helps the brand.

      1. unpopular opinion*

        Yeah, this reminds me of companies that put up a rainbow logo for pride month but give money to anti LGBTQ politicians.

        1. NL*

          WTF? Why can’t a move just be a movie? You’re not interested, fine. But are you crapping all over other movies, or just the one a lot of women are excited about? Is it only women-centered movies directed by women that need to meet your specific criteria of feminism? What about other movies out this year?

          Maybe don’t yuck other people’s yum and pretend it’s for feminism.

          1. unpopular opinion*

            Some nuance is lost here. I’m not trying to yuck other people’s yum, that’s what I’m struggling with. It’s one thing when there’s a popular thing I don’t like but I can’t get away from hearing about it or being made to feel bad about not liking it, it’s very weird.

        2. Maggie*

          I don’t know how to express this strongly enough but the movie absolutely isn’t that. It’s HIGHLY critical of that to the point that I’m genuinely shocked Mattel agreed to any of what’s on the film. It very blatantly mocks the marketing of things like “career Barbie” telling women they can be anything. Don’t see it if you don’t want to, but don’t write it off and assume you know everything about it before you even see it. It’s a really good modern criticism of what a lot of us women grew up with. We were told we can do whatever want, which wasn’t true. It critiques rape culture. It critiques the expectations placed on mothers. The central plot point is a critique of patriarchy and male expectations. I grew up being told liking anything feminine was stupid and meant I’m dumb, that “dressing for the part” meant dressing like a man, that “unisex” or “gender neutral” meant men’s or like a man. I cried multiple times during the movie because of how seen I felt as a 30 something woman living under the expectations of this society and the constant patriarchal undercurrent of every interaction. Again, if you don’t wanna see it, that’s fine. But it was really meaningful for some of us, and absolutely isn’t about being hot or being feminine. But also guess what, I freaking love pink and I’m NEVER going to stop. I don’t care if other “feminists” judge me and I don’t care if people think I’m not serious because I love dresses and pink and long hair. I’m me and that’s enough and that’s really the message of the movie.

          2. Annie Edison*

            Yes, plus one for literally all of this! I loved it so so much and was very pleasantly surprised by how weird and satirical it was. I am one of those girls who grew up thinking anything pink and stereotypically girly was bad (hello internalized misogyny!). I’m slowly embracing the fact that actually it’s fine to be into that stuff and letting myself try all the girly things I denied myself as a teen. I loved that this movie gave me a chance to have both sides – thoughtful discussion about patriarchy, and pink girly stuff

          3. Falling Diphthong*

            One of the things I really noticed and valued on my rewatch of Mrs. Davis (vigilante nun takes on global AI) was that there are two moms and they are both pretty problematic, and did dodgy stuff while raising their daughters. It is so rare to see flawed moms in fiction. You’re either a saint or you’re dead.

            There’s another character who is metaphorically a mom and really pushes back on that as an unfair metaphor that doesn’t represent her.

          4. Courageous cat*

            Yes to all of this. Some people just really want to hate it without even digging into what it could possibly be about. I agree that it is pretty critical.

        3. RagingADHD*

          I think that’s rather an exaggeration, since AFAIK there isn’t a political component.

          Traditionalist/regressive Barbie catered to the market. Girl power Barbie catered to the market. And now the hyper-pink chic is doing the same thing (very successfully). It’s following a trend, not setting one.

          I don’t get where you’re being “made to feel bad about not liking it.”

          I mean, I’m chronically cynical about anything in show business because I used to be in it. Generating hype (good or bad) sells tickets. It doesn’t mean one movie is supposed to be more personally important to you as an individual than any other. And if it did, who cares?

          My teen girls are excited to go see it with friends. They are too young to remember a time before Barbie=girl power, and that’s fine. I don’t care about seeing it one way or the other because I’m not the target demographic. But if they wanted me to, I’d take them.

          If you feel like the ads are starting to mess with your head for some reason, or are personally targeting you, maybe you need to take a break.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            If you feel like the ads are personally targeting you, maybe it’s time to clear your cookies! Or better yet get a good ad blocker. In my experience, once online ads decide you are a good target for something, they will try to sell you that thing ad nauseam.

              1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

                Oh, sure-but sometimes if you are irrationally annoyed by something, it’s easier to avoid the thing instead of fixing the annoyance itself.

      2. carcinization*

        I’m almost certain that talking Barbie said “Math class is tough” specifically, and remember when it was pulled due to outrage shortly after the release, and replaced with something more pro-learning. As for limited career options being portrayed/extremely sexist advertising being the norm in the past, I think that could be said for almost every product that’s been around for more than a few decades. Though I was born in the early 80s and was much more an original My Little Pony fan than a Barbie one, I would like to see this movie, but I usually see silly ones that don’t need all of my attention at the drive-in though, and it’s too hot to go to the drive-in right now (if the vehicle’s battery dies, we’ll be waiting in 100+ degree weather to be jumped off by theatre staff), so I guess I’ll watch it on TV or something later.

    16. Elle*

      I just got back from seeing it with my daughters. We had a blast and seeing it in a theater with other people made it even better. It’s about mother and daughters and how men and women fit into the world. It’s not going to change the world. It’s just a fun time and well acted. It’s the kind of movie where we all sat in our seats for a few minutes during the credits laughing and telling strangers how much we liked it. Good vibes all around.

    17. Nancy*

      I don’t think that’s what the movie is about at all. It just seems like a fun movie that focuses on a toy that lots of women has as kids. I see some people saying it is feminist, though.

      You can be feminist and also like pink and be super feminine. I feel like that message was lost somewhere along the line. You can like Barbie and not have body issues about it. I saw her as nothing more than a doll when I was a kid, personally.

    18. Maggie*

      Have you read anything about the movie or its plot? I just saw it and it’s a scathing criticism of the expectations put on women to be overtly feminine and perfect.

    19. Aphrodite*

      I am older so have no interest whatsoever in dolls, etc. But I have been watching fun reruns of Cutthroat Kitchen on YouTube and ads for that Barbie movie have been overwhelming–to say the least. My god, so much pink and white blond. (That guy looks so weird and abnormal.) It’s like living and eating and playing and talking stupid while being in the middle of cotton candy. And when that’s all there is it becomes physically sickening, as f I am being force fed candy (pink candy, ACK!) and nothing else. How is it not making everyone sick to death? Or is it?

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I had to actually go and find the trailer, not a single Barbie ad on my You Tube. My You Tube is stuck on the never ending booking for com work Melissa McCarthy. I HATE these things.
        Also, “that guy” is playing Ken, so of course he looks weird and abnormal? It’s kind of the point.

      2. Maggie*

        Why would seeing blonde people wearing pink make me physically sick? Talking stupid? The movie’s entire premise is about being yourself and how you don’t need to look/act like Barbie and ken to be a good person or be happy. It’s extremely critical of the notion that you have to be perfect or like pink or be blonde. I’m so confused why everyone is so disgusted with a film they’ve never even seen.

    20. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m interested because I like Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach’s movies overall, so I will eventually see it when the mobs have subsided. I don’t get the dressing up thing to see it. However, lots of people did that for Rocky Horror because that was part of the fun for them.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I’ve seen people dress up for Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, various watch parties at Alamo Drafthouse. For many fans it’s a part of the overall fun. Especially for the midnight or special showings.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Sure, that makes sense. I didn’t mean to come across as denigrating dressing up to see movies, just meant that it’s not my thing.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            It’s not mine either, not Halloween even. And sometimes it’s funny to see someone dressed up as Chewbacca in the middle of Texas summer.
            But people love it, so more power to them!

            1. WoodswomanWrites*

              Halloween is A Big Thing where I live, and dressing up in costumes in general. I do enjoy seeing them all!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Sometimes people just want an excuse to wear a costume. (I recall in another thread, that this is much more a thing in the UK than US–the latter usually just get Hallowe’en, while in the UK having a party where guests are expected to wear a themed costume was normal in a lot of party contexts.)

    21. Pamela Adams*

      It was charming and fun. I enjoyed it. of course, my local theater cost $6.50 plus the popcorn, so the price was right.

    22. Stuckinacrazyjob*

      I have an unpopular opinion about feminism that it is a political movement to increase the rights of women and others that are oppressed gender wide. I came in expecting a comedy , but it really did make some points.

    23. tt*

      Have you … read anything about the movie? Or are you just drawing conclusions because it’s about Barbie and there is a lot of pink? You sound like you don’t actually know much about what you’re criticizing and just leapt to some conclusions because … what, pink and girly looking?

    24. Chaordic One*

      I’m curious about the movie and I’ll probably see it eventually. I haven’t seen any bad reviews of it and it sounds like it has a lot of clever and witty observations. I’m one of those people who has a love/hate relationship with just about everything, Barbie, Mattel, capitalism. To me, the thing about Barbie is that she’s a blank canvass onto which anyone can project their ideas about her and what they want her to be. (I have an enormous Barbie collection and I love the clothes and accessories and the fancy and more expensive collector and celebrity dolls.) That said, I do think that the movie has been over-hyped.

      I don’t know what to think of director, Greta Gerwig. IMHO she seems competent, but “Lady Bird” was kind of “meh.” I love “Little Women” and all of the movie versions I’ve seen. Greta’s version was fine, but it didn’t really distinguish itself from the other versions of it.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I have no interest to watch any Little Women because I found the book excruciatingly boring when I read it as a teen. Not have I ever owned a Barbie, due to growing up in the Socialist Workers Paradise. And I turned off “Lady Bird” in 30 minutes because that too was excruciating boring for me. So I really don’t have much of an opinion on Greta Gerwig.
        But now I really want to see Barbie movie, after this discussion.

    26. Art Soplo*

      “Am I the only one who remembers that Barbie has caused harm by inflicting horrible beauty standards upon us for decades? It’s feels like an abusive relationship where someone never changes and then they change a teeny bit and that’s supposed to immediately forget all the past harm.”

      You just compared a GD toy to an abusive relationship.

      For the love of Barbie’s dream house, go outside and touch some grass already.

    27. Snell*

      I’m very late to reply, but I’ll just echo a bit of the other comments that I related to: I’m also not seeing hyperfeminine feminism becoming the only “acceptable” feminism, but I do remember growing up as a child and rejecting anything pink at all, not because it wasn’t my style, but because I feared critical judgement from my peers. There was a hot second there where girls were really lauded for being rough and tumble tomboys, part of which involved (vehemently, at times) rejecting the conventionally feminine. It wasn’t something I felt that adults enforced on us as children, but we internalized the message of the “right” way to be a girl in this modern era, and enforced it on each other socially.

      Then I grew up into adulthood, and grew a lot in confidence, enough to stop worrying so much about the minutiae of what my peers thought of me. I could make the choice for myself. If someone thought I dressed too girly, and that “too girly” was a bad thing, uh, heck them?? I was a grown adult. “Millennial pink” became a trend, and while I didn’t see anyone saying this at the time, I definitely suspected then and now that part of it came from the newest adults becoming aware of and overcoming internalized misogyny.

      For my own part, I never played with Barbie at home. I had Barbies, but my mother never let me play with them because they were the gorgeous, gussied up show pieces that she didn’t want me damaging. We don’t even collect them, they were just too pretty for my mom to give me as a toy. Of course, if you tell a kid she’s not allowed to do something, that’s all she wants to do. I played with Barbie when I went over to friends’ houses. Barbie featured as an attraction at the theme park we built for my friend’s hamsters. It was a safe, judgement-free space to play with Barbie, since we were friends who trusted each other. It definitely wouldn’t have happened at school in the open.

      I see that you’ve lived through a few successive iterations of feminism. Not everyone is going to be in the same place, on the same page, etc. I do think that a lot of people are still at the stage where they’re realizing or have newly realized that “girly,” “pink,” and “feminine” aren’t inherently bad or incompatible with feminism. I also think this is something that will be very intensely colored by our own unique perspectives. I once mentioned to someone—to be clear, there was something like a 50 year age gap between us, and this person was very pro-“smash that box others try to force you into,” and I also think that the only “box” to break free from that they were familiar with in this context was conventional/traditional femininity—about how girly/feminine things were looked down upon when and where I grew up, and they were a little doubtful that I had an accurate grasp of the situation. But…man, I lived it.

    28. Courageous cat*

      This doesn’t sound like a very feminist take to me at all. Maybe you should unpack why you think it’s a bad thing to have very feminine traits/interests. Why are you treating “hyperfeminine” like a slur? Why is pink so bad compared to other colors that you physically can’t watch that much of it, other than you… think feminine traits are bad/offensive? Like, make it make sense.

      I dunno, I would really do some reflection on your comment if I were you, but c’est la vie

      1. Jackalope*

        I mean, I can understand where the OP was coming from, as someone who had hyperfemininity shoved down my throat when I was a girl. I was told that I was doing things all wrong when I didn’t conform, asked if I was sure I was really a girl, and so on and so forth. And the need to like “Barbie pink” to be doing girlhood right was stressful. I support people liking feminine things and pink and Barbie, but just seeing that particular shade of pink brings back a lot of negative memories.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          The thing is, there’s being critical of compulsory femininity, and there’s having a personal preference against femininity, and then there’s hating people who are feminine. Just shitting on girly interests and individuals isn’t a meaningful feminist stance, it’s misogyny pretending to be critical thought.

  41. Quadra*

    Going to Portugal soon, with stops in Lisbon and in Porto. Any recommendations for activities, like cathedrals, nearby wineries, walking/hiking spots, and museums would be appreciated! We’ll be in each city for 4-5 days and not afraid to take the train outside of the cities for a day trip.

    1. Envious!*

      You might look into the Calouste Gulbenkian museum in Lisbon. I have not been there, but have been lucky enough to see three traveling exhibits of their outstanding Art Nouveau jewelry by Rene Lalique. Unbelievable works of art. The museum also has paintings and many other things. Check out their website.

      1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Seconding this rec hard, it’s one of my favorite places in Lisbon, and I think I saw that same jewelry exhibit you’re talking about! I don’t think of myself as a person who likes jewelry much, but my jaw was on the floor– such incredible creativity and craftsmanship.

    2. Was in Portugal last summer!*

      Spent three weeks in Lisbon and a few days in Porto last summer and it was glorious!

      Porto is home to port wine distilleries, so you’ll find many places offering tours and tastings. I definitely went to Portugal thinking port was always an overly sweet wine, and was pleasantly surprised how good and interestingly flavored port can be once you’re not buying the cheapest stuff!

      In Porto, you’ll also find Livraria Lello—which claims the title of the world’s prettiest bookstore. It is lovely on the inside but unfortunately run more like a tourist attraction than a bookstore (you have to buy a ticket to enter, but they still pack people in so that browsing isn’t so easy). Might be worth it for you, might not!

      Pasteis de nata is a popular dessert that’s like an egg custard with a flaky pastry crust. Try them whenever you see them and develop your own opinions about who makes it the best! Maneigaria is a popular bakery for them in Porto.

      Down to the south side of the country—Sintra is a gorgeous area very easily accessible by train from Lisbon. Several beautiful historic castles and buildings. It is a popular tourist destination so do plan for crowds.

      In Lisbon itself—enjoy walking around and looking at all the tile (azulejos) buildings! I didn’t know till we got there that Lisbon is a city built on hills; it is always worth looking at the geography of a walking route to see how steep it may be. We were there long enough that we got a monthly pass to use the subway/metro and learned sometimes you go a stop farther and then walk back downhill, rather then a stop earlier and uphill.

      St. George’s castle is at the top of the city, and absolutely worth buying a ticket to see the fort and the grounds. We went at sunset, and it was stunning with a great view of the city.

      Livraria Bertrand claims the title of oldest bookstore in the world—it is less photogenic than Livraria Lello and therefore much better for browsing like a normal bookstore :) if you buy a book from them they’ll stamp it for you!

      There are also tens? A hundred? miradouros throughout Lisbon that are so fun to visit. Each has a different view and a different vibe—some are quiet corners, others are large plazas; some are more heavily tourist spots, and others draw locals.

      Enjoy!!

    3. chocolate muffins*

      How do you feel about castles? There are many cool ones in Sintra, a short drive away from Lisbon, or so I hear. My husband and I traveled to Sintra specifically to see castles last year and they were all closed because things were on fire – we were told that they were never closed for any reason, not even on holidays, but we happened to show up just at the time when everything was burning. So instead we went to the national palace in Lisbon, which – in addition to all the indoor stuff – had an enormous garden with fountains and other cool things to explore, which was also fun.

    4. Pearl Grey*

      In November 2022 we stayed 3 nights in Porto. Public transportation or walking took us everywhere we wanted to go. Porto highlights included: walking across the Dom Luis I bridge to visit the wine lodges on the southern side of the river, the Fundação Serralves art museum, Casa da Música, eating fresh sardines in Matsohinos, and the Bolhão market. I can highly recommend a trip to the Duoro Valley, perhaps by train or boat if you aren’t renting a car. We spent one night at a guesthouse in the Duoro Valley (beautiful!), one night in Covilhã (lovely old town with lots of street art) then a day visit to Elvas, and one overnight in a lovely guesthouse outside of Évora. We finished with 3 nights in the Alfama district of Lisbon. We didn’t have time to visit Sintra on this trip.

      There is plenty to see in Lisbon. Castelo de São Jorge is a must! We also enjoyed the Se, the Pantheon, the Belem Tower, the Fado Museum, the Museum of Art, Architecture and Technology (aka MAAT), and the LX Factory. If the weather is nice, take a ferry ride across the river to Cacilhas and stroll along the waterfront where you’ll see some amazing street art.

      We used public transportation in both Porto and Lisbon. In Porto, I would recommend spending €15 for an Andante Tour 3 card which gives you 72 hours unlimited trips on the Metro/bus system. €7 for a 24 hour Tour 1 card. This pass is only available at the Andante store at the airport or in certain Metro stations including Trindade, Campanhã, Hospital São João and Casa da Música. Lisbon has a similar card for multi-day travel on public transport. If you buy this card you won’t have to figure out the fares for individual trips which appeared to be confusing.

      Enjoy your trip!

    5. Laura Petrie*

      We bought a Lisbon card that included entry to loads of attractions plus public transport. I think we purchased them at the airport.

      We really enjoyed just wandering round the different areas of the city. The old yellow tram is popular but gets really busy. It’s an interesting experience though.

      As someone else mentioned, there are some viewpoints all over the place. We liked Time Out market but it is a bit touristy.

      One thing to keep in mind is the pavements are extremely slippery if it rains. Comfortable shoes are also a must.

      We enjoyed our visit to the viewing platform of the big bridge and as we’re massive nerds liked the tram museum. The carriage museum is meant to be good but we didn’t manage to visit.

  42. Raised scars*

    Can anyone recommend a product that flattens scars? I’m not too fussed about the appearance/coloration, but I have a raised surgery scar on my abdomen that hits right where there’s a lot of friction (shirts and bra), and the rubbing is miserable. It’s about a year old, if age matters.

    1. Cairo*

      The plastic surgeon my daughter saw injected her keloid scar with something to break it down, then had her use ScarAway over it.

    2. Grits McGee*

      I used Mederma when I had a puffy looking scar on my arm. It’s almost unnoticeable now, but that was after 4-6 months of applying the gel.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have a small scar on my nose from a car accident and my dermatologist was able to do something to it that flattened it and made it much less visible. So it might be a good idea to consult a dermatologist first, if you can.

  43. Coffee Grounds*

    As a coffee drinker, I have always disposed of the used coffee grounds in the kitchen sink. Someone told me recently that this will cause the drain to clog, so I googled it, and they’re correct that it’s not recommended. And yet, I’ve done this for many years without problems. Have I just been lucky so far?

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Can’t speak to the plumbing but I know water treatment plants have to do extra work getting out organics.

      And they’re fantastic compost. If a plant likes acid soil just dump it on the dirt. If you have a worm bin, let the grounds cool before adding, and balance thr moisture with extra paper.

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        The City of Los Angeles is now recommending you put them in your garden waste bin for composting purposes.

    2. WellRed*

      There’s lots of things people dispose of down the drain or by flushing that the local water treatment plant wishes we wouldn’t.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, the disposal flow chart for me is compost>recycling>garbage>plumbing. Plumbing is the last resort for stuff that wouldn’t go safely or containedly in garbage.

      2. Miss Thymia*

        Off topic, but I’m reminded of the time a friend of mine was over cooking a big dinner for a bunch of us (she loves to cook, I had the better kitchen) and as one of her chimichangas was falling apart she was just like, “You have a garbage disposal, right?” and threw the whole thing in the sink!

        I was too stunned to respond, because a) that’s… not what a disposal is for? and b) dude, get a new tortilla or throw it in a bowl, it might be falling apart but it’s still delicious!

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Houses in the UK generally don’t have garbage disposals, and consequently I find them pretty alarming. I’ve never seen one in person (neither of the places I lived in the US had one) and I feel like if I tried to use one, I’d accidentally lose a finger or something. It’s so weird to me that people used to using garbage disposals will just randomly throw food down the sink!

    3. Rainy*

      I compost coffee grounds. I think you’ve probably been lucky and also don’t dispose of the amount of grounds at one time that would definitely be an issue.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        What do you do with reusable coffee filters? I dump out as much as I can but have to rinse out the residual grinds that stick to it to wash it.

        1. WellRed*

          You could wipe them out with a paper or reusable towel but honestly there’s only so much you can do, if you gotta rinse, you gotta rinse.

        2. BookMom*

          I swish it out vigorously in a pitcher of water and then dump the water into the yard. Gets most of the grounds out of the filter harmlessly.

        3. Rainy*

          During the summer I make cold brew and it has a reusable filter piece–I dump the grounds out and rub the bulk of the residue off with my fingers and then rinse. The little bit you rinse won’t be an issue–it’s dumping the big clumps that could cause the problem. Alternatively–dump the grounds, bang the filter really well on a hard surface, let it dry, and then bang it again. The grounds are stickiest when they’re wet.

          During the winter I use a pour over–well, to be fair, Mr Rainy uses a pour over and makes me coffee–and we just use the unbleached pure paper filters and plop the whole thing in the compost.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah! I buy unbleached and also compost them. Once they’re wet, they seem to get pretty quickly composted.

    4. There You Are*

      You’ve either been lucky, have larger-than-standard pipes, or aren’t making gallons of coffee a day.

      My mom not once but TWICE clogged my kitchen drains by trying to dispose of a weeks-old chicken casserole thing that was molding in its plastic container in the fridge.

      The first time, I paid for the guy with the mile-long, electric-powered snake to dislodge the clog.

      The second time, I made her pay for it.

      Both times, though, water laden with rotted chicken spilled out when the cleanout guy undid the p-trap under the sink. The big bowl he put under it wasn’t large / wide enough, and the foul, vomit-inducing water got on everything.

      I still see her eyeing the sink from time-to-time when she’s left something in the fridge for so long that it’s not even safe to put out for the creek critters. Nope, put it in the trash, tie the trash bag tight, and go put it out in the big bin that gets rolled to the curb.

      And, ya know, don’t let food rot like that. At the very least, let me put the “it doesn’t smell yet but I don’t feel comfortable eating it” stuff out back for the raccoons, possums, armadillos, and other critters. Better than wrapping it in plastic and sending it to a landfill.

      1. WellRed*

        If something gets to that point, I’d toss the container and all without opening it!

  44. Goose*

    Hello! I’m looking for book recommendations for books with smart protagonists who aren’t cis men written by authors who aren’t cis men where the protagonists are detectives, criminals/spies of the whacky-hijinks rather than ugh-real-world-moral-quandaries variety, or other folks-who-need-to-engage-in-high-stakes-problem-solving. I’m totally open to romance subplots (particularly if they’re queer), I’m less interested in deep musings about divorce/other hallmarks of Important Literary Fiction.

    I LOVE Kelley Armstrong’s books, but for whatever reason when I put them – including the series about a hitwoman in a totally non-fantasy context – into the “if you like this, read that” generators all I get back is a bunch of supernatural smut (which is fine, but the aspects of her books that I’m excited about are smart, likeable people doing cool stuff, not necessarily the occasional fantasy trappings that includes). I’m also a fan of Nora Roberts’ thrillers, if that helps.

    1. Buni*

      It’s borderline to your request as it is supernatural-based, but I loved P. Djeli Clark’s ‘A Master of Djinn’ – lesbian detective in 1912 Cairo. It doesn’t come across as too specifically fantastic because in the book-world the djinn are just part of life, they’re as like to be running the local shop as flitting about granting wishes.

        1. Buni*

          …the more I think on this the more I realise I may have conflated some plot points with another book, but the 1912 lesbian Cairene detective/agent bit is defo right, and obvs there are djinn…

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t actually read a lot of books that fit your description, but my first thought was the Mrs. Pollifax series by Dorothy Gilman – bored widow becomes a CIA agent.

      I haven’t read the books, but the show based on the Phryne Fisher series by Kerry Greenwood is excellent – wealthy flapper becomes a private detective.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Hm. Cis man, but queer? The Perfect Assassin by K. A. Doore was a good read, though I haven’t gotten around to the two sequels yet. There is some supernatural as part of the setting.

    5. Lore*

      Would straight up mystery writers like Sue Grafton, Sara Paretsky, Laura Lippman (more the Tess Monaghan series than her standalone), etc fit the bill? If so, you might try searching for Sisters in Crime recommendation lists or nominees/winners of the Sue Grafton Memorial or Mary Higgins Clark Edgar Awards. (I believe they focus on the gender of the protagonist rather than the author but most of the time if the hero is a woman…the book was written by someone other than a cis man.) Recently I have also enjoyed Elle Cosimano’s Finlay Donovan books—suburban novelist/mom ends up being mistaken for a hit woman with hilarious and deadly results.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, seconding the Ruth Galloway series. I’ve only read a few but I’ve enjoyed them, so I want more of the same.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I just read Killers of a Certain Age, about a group of sixty year old female assassins. It was highly amusing.

      1. Bluebell*

        I loved that book and sooo want someone to turn it into a movie. Such juicy roles for 60 something women. ( younger than Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren)

    8. RM*

      The henchman of zenda by kj Charles has a lighthearted swashbuckling plot and lighthearted queer romance! Well written and funny, the 2 main characters are both cis queer men if I recall correctly, but she also wrote proper English (Agatha Christie-esque plot with a lesbian romance) and quite a few others that are heavier on the hot and heavy queer romance mixed with spy or fantasy genres

      1. OtterB*

        Seconding KJ Charles. Besides the Henchmen of Zenda, there’s also the Will Darling Adventures beginning with Slippery Creatures, with crime/spy action in England between the world wars. M/m romance and action. Not really wacky-hijinks, but more classic pulp than lit-fic serious.

        Also, try Eleventh Hour by Elin Gregory. Also between the wars, spy action, m/m romance with one character who cross-dresses pretending to be the wife of the other. There’s a sequel to it, but I think the sequel is not currently in print.

        Also The Mimicking of Known Successes by Malka Older. Science fiction set in colonies in the outer atmosphere of Jupiter connected by rail service, clearly SF but with a Sherlock Holmes-ish vibe. Second-chance sapphic romance; one character is a detective who involves her ex-lover, a professor, in trying to solve a mystery.

    9. Irish Teacher*

      Agatha Christie’s Tommy and Tuppence series? Admittedly one of the protagonists is a cis man but a lot of the books tend to foreground Tuppence.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Oh and of course, Robin Stevens’ Murder Most Unladylike series, a good old-fashioned British boarding school/murder mystery series with teen detectives but with a bit of musing on sexualities (teen romance and crush stuff)

      1. feline outerwear catalog*

        It’s not a mystery-mystery, but I enjoyed Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers. The protagonist is doctor of Astronomy who never got in trouble or breaks the rules. She ends up married in Vegas to someone she just met. There’s some mystery aspect to finding her wife after the trip. There’s some real world stuff, like figuring out paying bills and other life aspects of being in your 20s, but overall I thought it was fun and not too heavy. There is romance but maybe pg13 ish level? Someone here recommended it.

    12. Forensic13*

      They start getting a bit more depressing later on (I refuse to acknowledge any book past four) but until then, The Spellman Files series by Lisa Lutz are awesome this way.

      The Duke Heist by Erica Ridley starts an adorable Georgian? series of romance/hijinks books about a very unusual family. Lots of fun rep for various groups that are often ignored in historical fiction; semi-realistic but not GRIM or, y’know, that realistic. The kind that are like: there is racism and it’s crappy, but our characters will barely experience it firsthand on the page, because we don’t need those bad vibes here.

    13. Synaptically Unique*

      Jacqueline Carey. Her Kushiel books (3 trilogies and a new book from another character’s viewpoint is on pre-order), Santa Olivia & Saints Astray (duology), Starless (standalone novel). Naomi Novik’s Scholomance trilogy (YA). There are other queer-friendly series I enjoy, but some of them would land on the “smutty” side like Laurell Hamilton’s Merry Gentry books.

    15. Not A Manager*

      The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal. Nick and Nora type detective couple in space. The husband is framed for murder and is out of action for a lot of the book; the woman solves the mystery with the help of her adorable service dog. Cocktails and mocktails abound.

    16. Reba*

      The Invisible Library series by Genevieve Cogman. They are fantasy stories with magic but in essence the protagonists are solving crimes or plotting heists themselves.

    17. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Mabel Maney has a fun series that is a lesbian parody of Nancy Drew/Cherry Ames — *The Case of the Not-So-Nice Nurse*, *The Case of the Good-for-Nothing Girlfriend*, and *A Ghost in the Closet*. Content warning for some past SA.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        She’s also got a James Bond parody with a female protagonist, but I haven’t read it.

      2. GoryDetails*

        The Mabel Maney parodies are so much fun! My favorite was the Hardy Boys one (Ghost in the Closet), but the Not-so-nice Nurse had me guffawing.

    18. Annie Edison*

      I’m not totally sure if this fits what you’re describing, but I really like Mia P Manansala’s Tia Rosie’s kitchen mysteries. The protagonist is a young philipina woman who bakes delicious food and solves murder mysteries in her home town. There is some mildly real life stuff, but it’s a cozy mystery so nothing too heavy. Very diverse cast of characters, and also amazing food descriptions on the side

    19. Bob Howard*

      If you like Science Fiction, try Charlie Stross’s “Rule 34” or his more recent work.

    20. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Martha Wells’s Murderbot series. Narrated by the main character, Murderbot. I’m not a serious scifi fan – I’m much more into mysteries. This series is AWESOME. The characters are wonderful, the world-building is interesting, the author does not spend hundreds of pages explaining the world-building, and the plots are definitely mysteries. The main character is genderless and the supporting characters are sometimes gendered, sometimes not, and live in a variety of family structures.

      Cannot recommend this series enough. Worth reading in order or at least reading the first book first. All Systems Red was the first book; there’s a short story called The Future of Work: Compulsory that was published later but the events take place before the events of All Systems Red. Haven’t read that one yet. Eagerly awaiting the next book in November.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Donna Andrews? Her “Meg Langslow” books are very funny cozy-style tales, protagonist Meg basically is now the fief-holder of her extended family and community to the extent that when any crimes happen she can tap a coroner, sheriff, patrol-folk, helpful pet-sitters, and researchers on the instant. [Wildly improbable as the series goes on, but quite fun – and very much on the lighter side, though some of the crimes have darker elements.]

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I really enjoy that Andrews just went ahead and leaned into evolving the fantasy of a supportive, close-knit community. I thought it rose organically out of Meg’s earlier desire for some distance from her wacky family and demanding friend.

        It’s always a problem with a long-running series: I feel like stasis is the wrong move, and lack of bonding is the wrong move (I remember a series that culminated in a wedding and did not invite back a single person from any of the previous mysteries to give a little update on their life), and that leaves forming deeper bonds as you go forward.

    22. MJ*

      If you haven’t already tried it, I love fantasticfiction. com as a resource. As well as other authors linked by visitors, the site offers book recommendations by the author you are looking at. The site covers mystery, fantasy, romance, science fiction +++.

      I really liked the Elemental Assassin books by Jennifer Estep. They “focus on Gin Blanco, an assassin codenamed the Spider who can control the elements of Ice and Stone. When she’s not busy killing people and righting wrongs, Gin runs a barbecue restaurant called the Pork Pit in the fictional Southern metropolis of Ashland. The city is also home to giants, dwarves, vampires, and elementals – Air, Fire, Ice, and Stone.”

    23. carcinization*

      Maybe Cogman’s Invisible Library series? They are fantasy but not high fantasy or whatever, and have a bit of romance but that part is definitely not detailed enough to be “smut.”

    24. Samwise*

      Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde (I don’t know his sexual preferences, gender, sex…— but the books fit your criteria so )

      The first in the series, The Eyre Affair, is the best one, but the others are a good read.

  45. Linda*

    I broke my ankle recently and am laid up for six weeks or more. Most of the logistics I’ve been able to sort out, but how do I get enough exercise when I can’t put weight on one leg? The resources (well, YouTube videos) I’ve found so far are aimed at either the cross fit type or people who are truly bed bound. I’m hoping for something at the introductory pilates level, and would especially appreciate suggestions for cardio. Has anyone gone through a similar experience and found a routine that they liked?

    1. fueled by coffee*

      Chair yoga (or chair exercise in general) might be an option? I don’t know what your mobility/transportation situation is, but when my sister broke her foot she was able to start swimming after a few weeks, too, if you’re able to get to a pool.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Should also say – I don’t know what your cast situation is. She had a boot, so swimming was an option.

      2. Linda*

        I’ll look at chair yoga, thanks! I can’t drive at this stage, but I’m keeping the pool in mind for when I can get out of the house

    2. Old and Don’t Care*

      If you have access to one, arm bikes can really get your heart rate up. I’ve only done them as a warm up at PT, but some gyms will have them.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      “Floor-barre” appears to be the term for pilates-type exercise. I recall reading about it for an injured ballet dancer.

      Cardio is tough, as I imagine you cannot get in the water. (If you can–when my son broke his foot he had a cast that came off, but he was three–then I recommend deep water running. Can be with a belt (my pool provides them) but there were cross country people training there who just ran without a belt. Forces you to keep moving pretty hard. Though my pool has some salt.)

    4. ronda*

      is a stationary bike possible?
      my pt after knee surgery started with 5 minutes on a stationary bike ( or a more straight legged one until the knee was bending better)

      you can also try the bicycle motion on your back if that is something you can do.

      maybe ask for a pt session and get some specific suggestions from them?

      I did a chair Zumba once that might be good cardio.

    5. Laura Petrie*

      From experience, Pilates is tough as even if you’re using your good leg, you can hurt your bad ankle.

      Exercises in bed may not seem like what you want but they do work. You could add resistance bands to your good leg, be careful about protecting your broken ankle.

    6. Pearl Grey*

      Try online pilates and yoga classes on Yoopod. They have a free trial period, then a it’s a reasonable monthly fee after that with no long term commitment. There are lots of classes which vary in style, intensity and length. You can select what you want. I did this program a few years ago and thought it had great instructors and a wide variety of classes.

  46. New manager*

    So I am struggling with infertility.

    Many people (family, boss, coworkers) don’t directly ask when we are having kids but make comments which are painful (when you have kids XYZ, just wait – you think you are tired now, wow that vacation will never happen once you have kids, what do people without kids do all day long) I was wondering if y’all thought there would be any success in just telling the truth so they stop? I’m not sure if this is sort of what I have to deal with, or if I told the truth people would be more sensitive? I’m not sure if telling the truth will just open up Pandora’s box of other unsolicited fertility advice that will be just as bad?

    1. Alex*

      I guess it depends on which kind of comments would bother you more–the kind you are getting now, or the unsolicited fertility advice/inquiries about your reproductive system, etc.? I guess with option B, it would be easier to follow with “and I would rather not discuss it right now,” and hope that they respect that.

      People can be so oblivious/nosy/asses sometimes. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    2. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I am so sorry you are experiencing this – both the infertility and the comments! having

      It depends on who you’re sharing with. Some people you could say “yeah we’ve been struggling with infertility so when you say that all I can think about is how much I wish kids would impact our lives in that way” and they’d get it. For others it wouldn’t land, or just became fodder for gossip. The righteous and self-compassionate part of me would want to rise up and just be that direct and just own it – all the heartache and everything else is real, you don’t need to overshare but also don’t need to pretend you’re not a human either.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Is there a coworker or manager you trust or at least have decent rapport with, that you could tell quietly and ask them to help put the kibosh on this type of comment?

    4. Things*

      For me, personally, the answer to that question depended entirety on where I was with my own emotional processing. During and directly after Stuff, I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, so I didn’t.

      But, with time, I found it unbelievably freeing to speak openly. There are so many people who have experienced Things and Related Things at various times and we all never know until someone says something. I was able to find common ground and empathy with those people. I was able to return awkwardness to sender, as Captain Awkward puts it, with some. And, yes, a few have really stupid reactions. But that was decidedly the minority.

      This worked for me, but I am generally very open, so this wasn’t out of character. YMMV.

    5. Quandong*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. In my experience, there was no ideal solution – either telling or not telling people about infertility, it was inherently fraught.

      My suggestion is to seek more support from counsellors who work with people in your situation and to get as much help as you need – if you’re not already doing so.

      It’s worthwhile considering what might be harder for you to tolerate at work – given we can’t control what other people say, and that you can’t make them forget it either.

      1. Quandong*

        I forgot to say – my experience with infertility is more than 15 years in the past, but I regret telling anyone at my workplace about it, and wouldn’t do that again.

        For me, the irritating and thoughtless comments about ‘when you have kids…’ were easier to cope with in the long term compared with the worse comments when people knew I was going through treatment for infertility. And unfortunately when I bumped into ex-colleagues years later they still brought it up. YMMV but I would hold off on revealing this information at work.

    6. Anon for this one*

      When my husband and I were trying and struggling, the only people who I told we were trying and dealing with infertility were the ones I knew I would also be okay with telling that we were done trying and wouldn’t be having kids (if it came to that). (Even then, only a few trusted co-workers knew the specifics, mainly due to me being out for drs appointments.) For better or for worse, this meant not telling most family members (who I’m sure would be full of ‘helpful’ and potentially unsolicited advice and commentary that I just didn’t want or need at the time). Those that I did tell heard something like “we’re trying, but we also realize kids may not be in the cards for us”, which hopefully put the kibosh on some of the “when…” comments.

      In response to the comments you’re hearing, I’d probably say something like “if we’re fortunate enough to have kids, we’ll deal with those issues at that time”…gently remind them that kids aren’t guaranteed. Or politely shut them down/change the subject in a way you feel comfortable with. (Alison has plenty of scripts on this site along the lines of curious co-workers/ asking about personal medical issues.) I’m sure they’re well meaning and think they’re sharing helpful advice, but I just think it’s very presumptuous and rude – for that reason, I personally wouldn’t share more infertility information with them, but that’s just me. Good luck with it all. I’m sending internet hugs your way if you want them!

      1. Emma*

        The “if we’re fortunate enough to have kids” line is perfect for work, if you decide you want to allude to infertility. It doesn’t overshare, but lets people know something is going on.

    7. Not A Manager*

      If you don’t object to people inferring your situation, but you also want to make it clear that it’s not up for discussion, I’d pick some pointed remarks that indicate that you are “trying” without actually saying that.

      Any kind of “when you have kids” remark could be responded to with “from your mouth to God’s ears” if your background would support that, or something like “one can only hope.” For comments like “what do people without kids do all day,” if you feel like it you could say, “mostly try to make babies.” These responses rely on a pointed silence afterward that returns the awkward to sender. Make a face like you’re sucking on a small lemon.

      I doubt that people will explicitly follow up after that, but if they do I think you can let your exasperation show a little bit and say something like, “I’m really not interested in discussing my reproduction, thanks.”

      But that’s only if you’re willing to basically inform people of your situation. If you don’t want to, then I think you need to be more breezy. “Yeah, life’s just an endless vacation right now!” and whatnot.

    8. chocolate muffins*

      I have had experiences sharing something I was struggling with (related to reproduction or otherwise) and having wonderful, helpful, healing conversations with people who had similar experiences even though I didn’t know that before the conversation. I have also had people say WILD things to me that I was not at all expecting.

      It sounds like your goal is to make the comments stop, and when that is my goal I am often very direct (like “oh, I’m actually not looking for advice about my reproduction”/”hmm, I actually don’t discuss my reproductive plans or lack thereof at work”/etc – not a way that most people talk and it is of course totally fine if this doesn’t feel comfortable for you!). Completely on the other side of the direct-indirect spectrum, you could try focusing on one aspect of what they said and using that to redirect the conversation to something that you’d prefer to talk about. For instance, “wow that vacation will never happen once you have kids” –> “Yeah, I’m really looking forward to this vacation! Do you have any fun travel coming up?” Or “you think you are tired now” –> “yeah, I’ve been really focusing on XYZ, what kinds of things have been occupying you recently?” Basically brief statement about some part of what they said that isn’t the kid part + immediate question for them about themselves, a topic that many people love to talk about and that will often get the conversation away from you.

      If it were me, I might avoid talking about infertility with people I don’t know well because in my experience unsolicited advice is common, but perhaps your experience would be different. You could try saying something like “kids are actually a painful topic for me, let’s talk about something else” or “kids are actually a painful topic for me + immediate topic change to make it easier for the other person to transition to talking with you about something else.” They’d need to be pretty rude to keep pestering you after that and that kind of comment doesn’t leave a lot of space for additional commentary or advice.

      I have sometimes been in situations where I don’t want a particular kind of commentary but do want to talk about my experience, due to some mix of wanting to live out loud and knowing that people around me may benefit from my openness, just like I have benefitted from people sharing their experiences with me even when they didn’t necessarily know that I had gone through a similar thing. This is not limited to reproduction but in general, if I am in a situation like this I sometimes say a small thing and see where that goes. For instance, people often say casual stuff about families and I have sometimes said “oh, I have not been in touch with my family of origin for XYZ years,” which sometimes leads to a conversation that really increases the bond I have with a person and sometimes leads to the other person talking about something else. Either of those options is fine for me; I say it that way in part because this is not a thing that people often feel comfortable talking about publicly and if I do, that can help other people feel more comfortable. I wouldn’t do that if I were actively hurting, but if I am carrying something lightly and can say it lightly, in my experience that can be a good way to bring my full self and potentially turn things that have hurt me into something that can benefit someone else. Not sure if this paragraph really belongs in this reply because this isn’t exactly what you are asking about it, but leaving it in case it is helpful at all – apologies if that is the wrong decision!

    9. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I saw someone else mentioned “returning awkward to sender” and I think another good way to do this with comments like these is to just lightly ask, “Oh, do you regret having kids?”

  47. Social blues*

    50th anniversary gift ideas- I am invited to a casual 50th anniversary. It is for a former (retired) boss, so I am obviously in a lower wage bracket. I am thinking I should bring a smallish gift, but can’t figure out what. They have everything, don’t drink, and I’m sure they don’t want a lot of 50th anniv knickknacks. Any suggestions?

    1. Gretchen*

      Box of fancy chocolates, some nice honey, flowers (in a vase, so they don’t have to stop and go find one), fancy olive oil and balsamic vinegar set – basically something consumable and slightly fancier than you’d buy yourself for everyday but not super expensive.

    2. fposte*

      My inclination would be to bring a card containing a personal note about your esteem for that person, and call it a day.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding the personal note with a fond memory. If you have any that would encompass the spouse (“I remember Alex describing how Chris had found a wonderful interesting thing, and could see the joy you brought each other”) even better, but sometimes you only know the person from work/bowling/costumed vigilante meetings, and you go with what you have.

      2. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Thirding the idea of a card with a thoughtful and appreciative note from you. Someone who is old enough to celebrate a 50th anniversary, and is doing okay financially, really does not need (and likely doesn’t want) more of any kind of stuff, including consumables unless you know their tastes very well.

        I admit that I am biased. I’m going to have a milestone birthday pretty soon and I sure hope to get nothing but a birthday card from anyone. Please, no alcohol, no chocolates, no gift baskets, no scented anything (including flowers)! Just, please, no gifts whatsoever!! But I enjoy cards, and a handwritten note makes them keepsakes.

      3. mreasy*

        Personal note plus a gift card ($30ish?) for a local coffee shop or specialty food store. That way you don’t have to know their taste exactly but it’s still a nice elevated token.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      If you really feel like you need a physical thing: food from local specialty source (e.g. we have a local shop that does dried fruit and nuts); small plant (plants die! it’s a known risk, not an eternal commitment!); nice picture frame.

      But my first choice is that personal note.

    5. Breaking Dishes*

      Someone gifted my in laws with a photo package-so they were able to have photos of themselves and relatives. It was a nice gesture. But more complicated than other gifts.

  48. Mow or No?*

    I live in a ruralish neighborhood (private homes; large lots; no HOA). A couple of months ago neighbors near me died violently. Their house is now vacant — unoccupied, but still contains all their belongings. The yard is overgrown and an ornamental tree was damaged in a storm. They have family nearby (in the county, not the neighborhood), but I don’t know how to reach them.

    Would I be wildly overstepping by mowing the front yard so it doesn’t look abandoned? I’m concerned that it will attract mischief-makers if it remains in this condition, and I would like to help the family by quietly, anonymously, taking this one thing off their plates. But I also don’t want to further violate their emotions by going onto the property unasked. Your thoughts?

    1. Donuts? Doughnuts? You choose.*

      That is so kind of you. I would actually contact the police to ask about this, in case it is considered an active crime scene.

    2. Leonard*

      I’m with you on this one. I think mowing it for them would feel more like a good deed than an intrusion. Trying to put myself in a family member’s mind, if I came upon a freshly mown yard, I would probably be more glad than mad. I grew up in a rural area where neighbours did this kind of thing for one another so perhaps this is colouring my thinking.

    3. Rachel*

      I think you have really good intentions.

      But this is entering private property and changing something significant. I would not do it.

    4. sagewhiz*

      My vote is with mow. After “months,” it’s unlikely to be an active crime scene.

      Several years ago dear neighbors faced a sudden crisis: out of the blue the husband was hospitalized and died within a week, followed by the hectic aftermath, and the yard went untended. One day while wife was away I simply did their yard while doing my own. She didn’t notice for two days, then called in tears of gratitude for having been relieved of that burden.

    5. KR*

      I think I would do it. Stick with the basics – don’t go up to the door if you can help it, don’t go in the back yard, just a quick pass on the front portion. You’re a good person to think of this family.

    6. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Perhaps you could mail a letter to the property address asking for permission? It would probably be forwarded to the next of kin.

  49. Retirement planning when the world is on fire*

    I’m trying to sit down and do some more in-depth financial planning, and I’m really struggling with retirement/long term planning in particular. I’m in my early 40s, no kids, no partner, own a house, am vested in a pension through work, and just in general have the “basics” down in a way that would be On the Right Track in terms of classic retirement advice except for the no young people to keep an eye on me as I get old part.

    If I assumed the world would truly be the same as it is now in 20-50 years during my retirement, right now I’d be weighing how much money to put in paying down the house early (currently mortgage ends a year or so after my pension target retirement date, which I can solve by working a bit longer, by paying down the mortgage sooner, and/or by budgeting for mortgage payments during retirement – a roughly 20 year runway on this gives lots of flexibility on how to bridge that gap), a supplemental defined contribution retirement account to go alongside the defined benefit pension, and home maintenance/improvement/upgrade needs.

    I’m just having a lot of trouble believing that the world in 20-50 years will be enough like now to make those kind of plans, I guess? So I get bogged down in The World, and How It Is Going (not great in several ways!) and what I can do on an individual level to mitigate that in my retirement planning, conclude that those are problems for collective, societal action rather than individual retirement planning, and give up and go make nachos instead, while my excess-to-immediate-expenses money sits in a savings account rather than doing any of those things.

    I realize that I am in an incredibly privileged position here to be trying to figure out how to apply my “extra” money toward my future needs rather than trying to figure out how to find enough “extra” money to pay rent right this minute, but I would still like to plan for the future in such a way that I get to retire someday, and I just am struggling with making those actual plans.

    I’m curious what other people are doing about retirement planning in this kind of situation, and how to wrap your head around it.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I get Analysis Paralysis fairly often, too. It feels like there are too many unknowns, so why bother…but then I remember how many times I’ve said “Thank you, past Me!” for stuff I’ve thought ahead about and made easier on myself, and I realize that my best guess is pretty damn good, and I bet yours is, too. And I keep course correcting, and try to build in flexibility into my plans, so I have become more confident that we can retire comfortably. For example, Fidelity’s planner has a checkbox by each expense to mark it as an essential expense, otherwise it’s considered discretionary. I feel better knowing that I can live without travel or dining out a lot if I had to.

      Now, if you just talking about the more existential dread, I would say maybe counseling would help, but honestly it’s very likely a *reasonable* fear the way things are going. But what if horrible things never happen, and 50 years from now things are a lot like they are now? (Or more likely, things are different in some significant ways, but they FEEL normal, like now.) Also, when people respond to talk of retirement planning “What if the US economy goes under?” or “What if there’s a disaster and the world economy blows up?”, I usually say “Well, I guess I’ll have a lot more to worry about than retirement planning, then!”

    2. ronda*

      I have retired early cause I think I have enough saved to last the rest of my life.

      I am also single with no dependents.
      I dont have pension, so all my money is in investments and I take out what I need to spend each year.

      There is a possibility that I won’t have enough money, but I can try to go back to work if that happens.

      There are lots of things you can do, but it is all dependent on what you want to do.

      I think this posting on an early retirement website gives a good list of things to think about and work on as you make these decisions. you dont have to do all of these but do the ones that seem important to you. https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/post-fire/pre-fire-checklist/

      One that I procrastinated on longer than I think I should have was a Will and making sure my beneficiaries were up to date. Most of my money is in investments so having beneficiaries on those takes care of the bulk but the Will takes care of anything else.

      If your question is more “what should I invest my excess money in”. I think that website leans a little too hard on all money in stocks, but I do think using a low cost brokerage (Vanguard or Fidelity) is a good choice and picking a low-cost index fund. (and some people would consider a pension to cover the bond purpose in a investment portfolio– so would have other investments all in stocks)

      you could also get a few sessions with a financial planner, go for one with an hourly fee rather than one that would invest your money for you and take out a percent every quarter. Or you can do a couple free 1st sessions with a few of those type of planners and use the info from that session(s) to do the items you want to yourself.

    4. Angstrom*

      The default for long-term growth seems to be “Throw it in a low-cost stock index fund”. I figured the volatility was worth the returns over time. A Roth makes sense if it’s post-tax dollars.
      In the shorter term, banks seem to be offering CDs with better returns than savings accounts.

    5. Girasol*

      I’m over 65, widowed, and wondering the same. My financial advisor goes over my finances and shows me the graphs about how this or that economic situation happened X times in the last 50 years, so I should prepare in such and such a way. But I suspect that the world events in the next 50 years are going to make the last 50 years look quaint. The best thing I can figure out to do is to develop good health habits, learn to enjoy the simple pleasures, and curb my American spending habits.

    6. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Somehow, our parents/grandparents/great-grandparents lived through the Depression, World War II (some also lived through WWI), the Cold War, and Vietnam. I’m sure they all had similar thoughts (which makes me wonder what terms they used to describe the prospect of a bleak, unliveable future?). What I’m trying to say is that it’s something nearly every generation has faced, some in much more dire circumstances than we have. They kept scraping enough together to get by, and squirrelled away a bit to save for later – because banking on there being a “later” is what got them through the worst. If they could afford to be optimistic, in a much worse world than we’re living in, I think we can try to do the same, plus do everything in our power to keep the world going.

    7. Sloanicota*

      To me, the uncertainty means that I need to put away as much as I can – no amount is probably enough, I could have a million (I’m in my early 40s) and it wouldn’t be enough – and I don’t have a million. So I try to put away an amount I can live with, just under “where it hurts” – knowing it’ll never be as much as it would probably need to be for me to really feel secure, but also knowing that I’ll probably end up glad of every dollar put away. YMMV.

    8. OtterB*

      Not the financial issue, but hitting on the “no young people to keep an eye on me” part. Several neighborhoods in my area have “Village” groups to help support people in their homes as they age. “Younger” people (or simply those more able) help provide simple services (e.g. a ride to the doctor) for seniors, but I believe there are also social activities and it’s a way to make connections.

  50. Scribe*

    My parent’s sibling recently passed away from old age. My parent said I didn’t need to do anything to help since I’ve got a baby but as someone grieving, what would you have found the most helpful? Also, everyone lives several states away and coordinating funeral arrangements sounds like a logistical nightmare. The last funeral we had was on zoom bc of covid.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Food. If you’re local, bring by things that can be eaten with minimal prep, if not send a gift card for takeout or a ready-made meal subscription.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        A friend sent me snacks, like trail mix, nuts, candy, dried fruit, etc. and it was really nice. There are lots of times when someone dies where you don’t really feel like eating. There was a higher ratio of healthier/ish stuff so you could still get protein from nuts and someting more filing but enough treats for when you really just want grieving chocolate. Chocolate covered nuts work for both, too.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I agree! The kind of food where you can just stick a hand in the package and eat is great when even getting out dishes and silverware might feel like too much. A good friend sent me a salami and some fancy crackers once when I was having a hard time, and it hit the spot (though the salami did require getting out a knife).

    2. MissGirl*

      Call and let them talk about their sibling. Let them say all their feelings without talking them out of any of them. I’m never more lonely than the weeks after the funeral.

  51. Uncertain Smile*

    So, borderline medical/dental question here. Having recently moved I now have a new dentist. I recently experienced a cracked tooth, and my new dentist was able to repair it with some kind of liquid resin. It looks like nothing ever happened and everything is fine for now. However, he pointed out how the cracked tooth was caused by malocclusion, a mismatch between my upper and lower teeth that puts excessive pressure on my teeth when biting or chewing or when clenching my teeth in my sleep. I have a mild, but somewhat noticeable underbite.

    His suggestion is “Invisalign” to align my teeth to where the bite would be normal. It would be kind of expensive and I’m checking with my dental insurance to see if they would cover part of it. (Many years ago I was told that I would need maxillo-facial surgery where they’d break my jaw in order to correct it. With Invisalign they wouldn’t need to do that.) Have any of you AAM readers had experience with “Invisalign”? Being of a certain age, I sort of wonder if I might be too old for this. Was it a worthwhile thing for you? Do you think it was worth the cost? Do you regret doing it?

    The dentist’s second cheaper recommendation was a custom-fitted, still expensive, mouth guard to absorb the pressure when I clench my jaw in my sleep. A friend has one of these, and she says it is uncomfortable and was a waste of money because she doesn’t use it. Of course, there are those cheap mouth guards you can buy in drug stores. I bought one of those after I cracked the tooth to prevent any further damage, and it wasn’t great, a bit uncomfortable, but it worked for the couple of days before the dentist could see me.

    If anyone would be willing to share their experiences with “Invisalign” it would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      No experience with Invisalign, but my husband and I both have custom night guards and they are way better than the drugstore ones. They do take a little getting used to, and if you have a filling or other work done on the biting surface of a tooth you might need it adjusted to make sure the guard still fits properly. I do feel like it does a great job of protecting my teeth from grinding.

      1. Old and Don’t Care*

        Pretty much the same here. As I mentioned in another thread I wish I had gotten a mouth guard years before I did. Mine is small and just fits over the front two or three teeth.

        1. Not Alison*

          I got a mouth guard 25 years ago. It cost over $500 at that time and was not covered by insurance. It was fitted by a dental specialist and is well worth the cost. I wear it every single night and my TMJ issues have disappeared. On the nights I don’t wear it, my teeth hurt the next day (which means I wear it regularly). I highly recommend one that is specifically fitted for you so that it is comfortable to wear regularly.

      2. Sloanicota*

        That said, I’ve heard friends say you might want to try the drugstore ones first to see if you’ll be willing to wear something every night for any length of time. Plenty of them bought expensive dental ones and *then* realized they would never seriously wear it, so it was a waste of money.

    2. Lifelong student*

      Have not done Invisalign or ever had braces. However, have always had crooked teeth and many years ago was dealing with the tooth grinding and TMI issues. Headaches resulting were very annoying. A dentist did the custom fitted night guard and I used it for a long time- but when it needed replaced I went to the drug store ones. They worked fine for many more years. I stopped wearing them a few years ago and have not noticed any grinding in years and no headaches. I too am of a certain age- so perhaps I would try the cheaper fix for a while. Life circumstances may be affecting your grinding.

      1. anonymous incisor*

        I have slightly different but similar issues. I had invisalign to correct my bottom teeth, which are very crooked. It worked well and was covered by insurance because it was for a medical and not cosmetic purpose. I was able to use FSA for it, too. You still have to wear a custom nightguard after to keep things in place and for me it doubles as a nightguard.

        I had mine over 10 years ago, so ymmv with the current state of healthcare (at least in the US). I was able to do a payment plan. I have ADHD and am bad about wearing my nightgard every day but my teeth have mostly stayed aligned. I’ve replaced it once which was around $400 at the time, maybe 5 years ago? So that’s an occasional ongoing expense depending on how long it takes to wear it down or if it cracks, etc.

    3. ronda*

      I did invisaline and do regret it.

      I think it lead to gum deterioration and it only closed my bite gap a little bit. and as my sister said later “a dentist is not qualified to do straighten your teeth, an orthodontist is.”

      my sister did get braces multiple times thru out her life and did have maxillo-facial surgery after cracking a molar. Her teeth only meet in 2 places. she is very satisfied with the surgery as she can now eat a sandwich. When I saw her shortly after the surgery there was a huge amount of bruising in her chest, but she said it didnt hurt cause nerves were cut during the surgery. her mouth was wired shut for a while so liquid diet.

      I did have a night guard , I did find it a bit uncomfortable and did stop using it after a while. But it was not so expensive that I think you shouldn’t try it and see if it helps you. I think you may even be able to get them mail order (like on amazon, but custom made).

      1. anonymous incisor*

        If you don’t mind me asking, how does one get chest bruising from facial surgery?

    4. California Dreamin’*

      Two of my kids had Invisalign. One finished the corrective treatment very quickly, like in a year or less, and has been in a retainer for a while now. Second kid had more extensive straightening needed (huge gaps to close) and was in treatment for two years. Just last week moved to retainer. I am a fan of the Invisalign. It went quickly and worked really well, and they were a piece of cake to use. My oldest child had traditional braces before Invisalign was widespread, and those caused more discomfort and were a bigger hassle because of all the foods you had to avoid.
      I myself should have had braces as a kid but didn’t and have pretty crooked lower teeth. I tried a custom mouth guard years ago and didn’t like it so never used it much. I would love to get Invisalign for myself but since we were paying for three kids’ orthodontia, mine had been placed on the back burner. I know our dental insurance covers a portion of orthodontia for kids only, not for adults. I’m not sure if this could be appealed if it was deemed necessary care as opposed to cosmetic.

    5. tuesday next*

      I got an expensive custom-fitted mouth guard for my teeth 25 years ago. The clenching at night was causing bad problems. It may be expensive, but it is cheaper than all the dental work that will result in not having one. I get a new one every 5-7 years because (my teeth move, I break the old one, new insurance etc). Each one has taken several nights to get used to, but I have.

      1. tuesday next*

        Also, I got traditional braces : brackets glued on teeth with metal wires in my 50’s. Wasn’t fun, but apparently that was the only choice to fix the problem I had.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I had traditional braces in my mid-40s, although the wires were some kind of plastic because they were tooth-colored so less obviously visible than metal wires. I did drool a bit to start with, because my teeth were already prominent and with the wires and brackets, my lips didn’t close properly for a month or two. My lips were also very sore on the inside for the first month or so.

          I also had to brush my teeth every time I ate something, which meant frequent brushing at work.

          Thankfully my teeth moved quickly, so I had the braces for 5 months on my upper and 6 months on my lower jaw. After that, they stuck a retainer wire on the inner surface of my incisors and canines to keep my teeth in place, and I’ll probably have those for the rest of my life. The only inconvenience is that I can’t floss with the traditional thread, instead I use the brush pick that looks like a tiny bottle brush. Works for me.

          They didn’t fix my problems completely, but now my teeth connect when my mouth is closed, and I no longer wake up with a headache.

          My husband’s been using a custom nightguard for about 20 years and he’s very happy with it.

    6. Stephanie*

      I got a custom nightguard after I was clenching. They are WAY better than the drugstore ones. It did take me a couple of nights to get used to it.

    7. Filosofickle*

      My dentist just recommended Invisalign to me — I have a clenching / cross-bite issue that does chip teeth and it might fix the trouble spot — but I don’t think it’s worth it to me, at least not now. Custom mouth guards haven’t worked in the past because I spit them out! Don’t think I ever woke up with one in place. Probably because I have terrible allergies and tend to mouth breathe.

    8. Synaptically Unique*

      I know several older people who have used the invisalign and been very happy with it. The game changer for me, however, was finding the Placker Grind No More disposable mouth guards. I’ve never been able to tolerate any other mouth guards, but these work for me.

    9. Braces*

      invisalign is just a certain brand of braces that are less visible to others. you may want to investigate other types of braces instead if you’re worried about the cost.

    10. Generic Name*

      If your insurance won’t cover Invisalign, it might cover traditional braces. I suggest getting a second opinion with an orthodontist.

      Also, I have a custom nightguard, and it’s eliminated my headaches. It’s reasonably comfortable, and I can tell from the wear pattern that I’m clenching my jaw at night.

    11. Rainy*

      You need a consult with an orthodontist. That dentist is 100% not qualified to assess your bite alignment, I’m afraid. Orthodontists do undergrad, dental school, dental residency, pass their dental boards, and THEN do an orthodontic residency. Many areas have a second, specific licensing exam for orthodontists on top of all that.

      I had bonded braces (the “normal” metal-mouth sort) in my 30s and my orthodontist was able to do everything with the bonded appliance and a lot of skill. No one else in the city would touch me without doing maxillofacial surgery first, and I didn’t want to. I got a referral to the best orthodontic practice in town and was very very happy with the level of care I got and my results. Even the surgeon who did my premolar removal (I had a crowded upper arch and we needed more space) pitched a full on maxillofacial procedure when I went in for the consult, even though my ortho had already talked to him and I went in with the folder of my ortho’s recommendations. (I said no and boy did he not appreciate how I phrased it, but his nurse snorted and I bet she still tells the story.)

      I would not have been a candidate for Invisalign or any of the knockoff tray-based alignment methods, because my ortho actually widened my upper arch and narrowed my lower with a very clever use of exactly the right archwires and a really fantastic understanding of how to make teeth move using precise angles and pressure.

    12. Sloanicota*

      So in my experience, a lot of dentists pitch this now and anecdotally I believe it’s a big money-maker for them, so I would definitely not do it just because one dentist suggested it. I actually used the cheap knock-off product to correct some minor crookedness of my teeth and it worked great. I used my work’s HSA to pay for it, as insurance wouldn’t have covered it. I wouldn’t have done that for a bigger issue though. The invisalign process is much better than braces. I was legit traumatized by my braces experience as a kid – it was super painful, I had a lot of cuts and bleeding, and it took foreeeeverr. I might have been a difficult case? Anyway, what they don’t emphasize is that after invisalign you have to wear a retainer for the rest of your life. My teeth were crooked because I wasn’t careful enough about wearing my retainer after braces, so this would have been worth a second thought. Luckily, they have stayed in place okay with only infrequent retainer wear.

      1. WFH FTW*

        I had metal braces as a kid for not quite two years. I was told later they’d been removed too soon and should have waited until after puberty, as my jaw grew forward.
        In my 50s I went through invisalign during the pandemic… about 14-15 months. I’d been wanting to “tidy up” my teeth for a few years. Due to receding gums, my teeth started shifting more and I did have an upper tooth begin hitting a lower tooth. Although my DDS wasn’t overly concerned, she did refer me to an orthodontist where I asked if I would be a good candidate.
        I do wear the retainers every night. It’s a non-issue for me and actually gets me to be sure I brush my teeth before I go to bed. I bring them when I travel, too. No big.
        DH has TMJ and is told he grinds his teeth. Same dental office recommended night guard. But the thing is, he doesn’t grind his teeth at night! He breathes through an open mouth when sleeping. I’m pretty sure the tooth damage (& TMJ??) is from lifting heavy things. He bears down when he moves stuff and digs through hard rock. And he absolutely doesn’t want a mouth guard to wear when working (gardening, hardscaping) where he gets his hands dirty.
        I say go for it, but def talk to orthodontist first. And be prepared to have a slight speech impediment while wearing them 20+ hrs a day, and brushing constantly. Tbh, it was ideal to have done it during covid.. masked when I went out and since I wfh the whole time, I’ve didn’t have to brush my teeth in the office.
        It was hard not to be able to chew gum for a year and a half, though.
        Oh (and this sounds dumb I know), my teeth didn’t change. Like they’re straightened but that one tooth that’s a bit larger than the rest? Yep still bigger.

    13. mreasy*

      My dental mouth guard has changed my life. It’s the kind made to stop you from clenching your jaw, and not only are my teeth in better shape, but I rarely wake up with headaches. It was somewhat expensive, but nothing compared to Invisalign prices. And if you’re a clencher or a tooth grinder, aligning your teeth won’t fix that entirely.

    14. velopootler*

      I wore a custom night guard for 14 years, then quit because it seemed to be wearing out and I didn’t feel like replacing it, which was likely a mistake for me. I now have two more crowns and a dental implant, and I wonder if some of that could have been avoided if I had gotten a new night guard promptly. Anyway, I did eventually get another custom one from the dentist, but actually the one I’ve been wearing for some months now is a SmartGuard Elite that you can get over the counter and then follow a procedure to custom-fit it to your front teeth. I find this much more tolerable than the more common over-the-counter kind with two pads that go between your molars. Those seem to encourage me to clench, which isn’t helpful. The DIY fitting procedure sounds like a hassle, but really wasn’t bad and didn’t take long, though the first time I didn’t get it quite right so I needed to go through the fitting procedure twice.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I didn’t write it, but I interpreted that to mean “any clear tooth aligners, regardless of brand name”. Also Invisalign has been around for like 25 years.

    16. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Invisalign is just like wearing custom mouth guards – only there is a bottom one as well as the top and you wear them all the time.

      If you aren’t willing to do a mouthguard then you really will not like Invisalign

      (I’ve had both – though after the Invisalign, I now have a retainer)

      I am skeptical that Invisalign would fix major issues. Definitely see an orthodontist before proceeding with Invisalign

  52. Sylv*

    I know this is a late entry, but in the event anyone is still reading: my husband and I have been invited to dinner at an acquaintance of his tomorrow (Sunday). I have not met him or his wife before. I am allergic to fragrances (I lose my voice and start clearing my throat and coughing, but it is more of a nuisance – it doesn’t affect my health. As soon as I am away from the trigger I will be fine).

    My question is, should I ask my husband to mention it ahead of time? It’s their home, and I can obviously not insist that they don’t fragrance, but it will also be awkward if I have a reaction. Any suggestions?

    1. Jm*

      Absolutely should tell them! Nobody wants a guest to be uncomfortable in their home if it can be helped.

    2. Grits McGee*

      100% have your husband reach out- any decent person would feel bad that they unintentionally caused you discomfort, and probably be a little annoyed that they weren’t warned. (Especially if the solution is fairly easy to implement, like not wearing perfume or burning scented candles while you are in the house.)

    3. Doctor is In*

      Fellow allergic to perfume here. Yes, tell them! It is an easy thing for them to accommodate. Ideally your husband would have mentioned it when the invitation was issued, such as you would with, say, food allergies.

    4. RagingADHD*

      In addition mentioning it, you could also pop a zyrtec or something just in case they have air freshener or fabric softener permeating the upholstery.

  53. Girasol*

    Has anyone traveled to Ireland, perhaps around May? My family is thinking of a trip next spring and I’m not sure what I should be considering now that I don’t know.

    1. Irish Teacher*

      Well, I’m Irish, so not the same as travelling here, but can say a few things.

      Be prepared for any kind of weather (well, any kind, Irish-style; we don’t tend to get real extremes). There have been years when it’s been in the mid-20s Celsius (mid-to-high 70s Fahrenheit) in May and there have been times it’s been more like 10 degrees Celsius (around 50 Fahrenheit). And of course, being Ireland, regardless of what time of year it is, it will rain.

      Ireland is probably more laidback in many ways than a lot of other countries. This means things can run a bit late and odds are nobody will even notice (I was quite amused/impressed when I did an online course thing through the Church of England and they not only started right at 7pm, like “oh, it’s 7pm now, do you mind if we give it one more minute as there are still people logging in,” but somehow managed to finish right at 8pm, even with questions. Any course I’ve done with Irish organisations would start…somewhere between 7 and 5 past and finish somewhere between 7:50 and 8:15.).

      This is a bit random, but between September/October and May, public transport will be at its busiest on Friday evenings and even afternoons. And probably Sunday evenings too. This is because Ireland has a culture of college students and even young adult professionals returning home for the weekends. Colleges tend to finish up early on Fridays for this reason – in my college lectures used to finish at 2/3 on Fridays compared to 5 or 6 other days and even events like Rag Week would finish around midday on Fridays. So there is a mass exodus. In May, colleges are winding down, so this may be less extreme

    2. really*

      Check passports. If you need one or it needs to expire more than six mouths after your trip. If you need to renew it I might do it now as it has been taking forever (months).

    3. CityMouse*

      I have some Irish family (my Dad’s a citizen but was born and raised in the US).

      Ireland is a really brilliant place to visit. I haven’t had a bad time in Ireland ever. Now I go stay with some cousins a lot, so there’s a different dimension, but I’ve just always had a great time. Definitely be prepared for rain, but it’s usually not like the crazy downpours you can get in the US.

    4. Irish*

      I assume you have already, but check how much accommodation is going to cost. It’s through the roof at the moment, be in hotels or other types. May is going to be a bit less crazy than July, but still could be quite pricey and difficult to find, depending on where you go.

  54. Just Curious*

    Question for people who use reusable water bottles: How often do you replace them?

    I’ve been using the same plastic water bottle since about 2017 I think. It’s easy to clean with a sponge (the opening is very large when the lid is taken off so I can fit my hand/forearm in) and once in a while I put it in the dishwasher to sanitize it. The outside has a bit of wear from being dropped a few times, but other than that it’s in nice condition. It occurred to me that maybe you’re supposed to replace reusable water bottles once in a while (because the plastic starts degrading/leeching with wear?) and read some articles that said to replace every year.

    I guess I’m way overdue, but every year also seems excessive. So I was wondering what you guys do?

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I tend to use mine until they leak or something else about them breaks, once I upgraded to nicer ones than the ones I bought when I had less money. I guess in my head they’re like other plates/dishes/glasses/etc. where you keep using them indefinitely.

      I know I’ve had some of my (metal) Contigo travel mugs for over a decade now, and some of the (plastic) Contigo water bottles about as long, although I switched over to Nalgene water bottles for most use cases in the past few years because my routine changed and I wanted something with a screw-top lid that could go in a backpack rather than something with an exposed drinking surface but harder to spill while drinking.

      My dad still has some of his backpacking water bottles from the 1960s or 1970s, but he doesn’t carry them around daily. He does use one for his distilled CPAP water when he travels, though, and we used them on family hikes through at least the 1980s. Of course, back in the 1980s, the family minivan we bought had a cigarette lighter and ashtrays in the second passenger row as a standard feature, so cultural attitudes about safety and chemicals may have progressed since then…

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I used to wonder about this also. Not exactly what you asked, but my solution was to transition to metal water bottles.

      1. Snell*

        +1 to this.

        I never used reusable plastic bottles, so the transition was from single-use bottles (bottled water you buy at the grocery store) straight to a metal thermos. Even though they do sell reusable plastic drinking vessels in my area, I never considered getting them because it seemed like too much money for the lifespan I thought I could expect from the product. Now I have a metal thermos for work/the gym/day trips and I don’t really give any thought to how long it’s going to last.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I wouldn’t replace the bottle unless there was something wrong with it but I replace lids/mouthpiece about every six months, especially if I’m putting anything other than water in. (Which I generally don’t.) Or – my preferred bottle style currently sells lids a 2-pack for $10, so instead of replacing the lid at six months I just swap weekly or so and put them through the dishwasher on the off week. Then at the end of the year I toss the old ones and buy a new 2-pack. This way I never have to worry about gunk growing in the crannies of the lid, because that stuff is impossible to get clean.

    4. mreasy*

      I use mostly metal, but… I’ve never had to worry about when to replace them as I seem to lose at least one per year.

  55. TX_trucker*

    My plastic soda stream bottle, that I use for carbonation, and dont drink from directly says to replace every 3 years, or sooner if the plastic becomes scratched. If I ever switch back to a reusable plastic bottle (currently use metal), that’s probably how frequently I would replace.

  56. No checks in mail*

    My area (US) is having a lot of trouble with checks being stolen in the mail and the police are openly saying don’t send/receive checks, go digital.

    The problem is my insurance company will only reimburse by check to the address on record. I contacted them to try to find a workaround but no—my home address or nothing.

    Has anyone else had this problem and found a way to solve it? I need the money from the reimbursement checks but obviously I can’t stop thieves. And the insurance company won’t even send it to the post office for me to pick up!

    (Just to be clear—I have no objection to making everything direct deposit but it’s the company that WON’T do it.)

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Wow…sorry, no ideas, but for reference, USAA reimbursed us via direct deposit to our USAA bank account, often within an hour or two of submitting a receipt.

      The only thing I can suggest is to get the insurance company to tell you when they’re sending out a check, so you can keep an eye out for it and request a replacement if it doesn’t arrive in a timely manner.

      Oh, one other possibility…invest in a secure mailbox? I don’t know how much they are, but I’ve seen ones with a fairly secure deposit slot. We use our post office box for everything, so I don’t worry about the mailbox at our house.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I don’t know enough about how the get stolen. Is it out of mailboxes after the delivery person drops them off (like packages) or is it also earlier in the process than that?

        2. Knighthope*

          A friend mailed my birthday card at a small, local USPS post office. I have a mail slot in my front door. So USPS had custody the whole time. The envelope arrived open and the flap obviously been ripped by a knife or letter opener. I did report it. A boy I know received a birthday card in July that had been mailed a few states away in April. The cash was missing.

      2. I'm just here for the cats!*

        there is something called informed delivery for USPS. you can see what is expected in your mail that day and then if it’s not delivered you can contact post office.

        another thought is to ask the insurance to deliver it by registered mail where you have to sign for it. that way if you aren’t home at the moment the mailman comes you will get a note in you mailbox and will have to go to the post office to pick it up.

        1. Glazed Donut*

          This – sign up for Informed Delivery via USPS. You get an email every day of the scanned mail set to be delivered to your address – the only pieces not shown are oversized/magazines. In my area, the mail is incredibly unreliable – sometimes no postal worker even comes to my house, sometimes they drop off the last 5-10 houses’ mail at the same box, etc. This at least helps me know what I should be expecting.
          I have had a few checks go missing after seeing them on informed delivery. Then, I follow up with the sender to let them know it’s been a week since it should have come and ask about next steps.

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      Get a box either at the post office or a private mailbox place, and make that your mailing address with the insurance company before they send out the check?

      Sympathies, we’re in the same boat with mail delivery on the west coast and I’ve spent so, so much time eliminating financial and other sensitive stuff from our mailbox.

      2. No checks in mail*

        Will this work if a company is sending to me? I thought this kind of thing only happened if a person was mailing it?

    3. Not A Manager*

      I have a similar problem, in that USPS mail delivery to my building is so unreliable that I can’t use the address for important correspondence. I got a mailbox at my nearest UPS store (to avoid the dreaded “we won’t deliver to a PO Box”). I can put in a physical street address with a “unit number” that is actually just the UPS box. I use that as my legal address/mailing address.

      If you can change the address on record maybe that will help. Even my homeowners insurance doesn’t give me trouble about insuring at one address but mailing to a different one.

    4. Indolent Libertine*

      Can you open up a PO Box, either an official USPS one or at a private mailbox place, and change your mailing address with the insurer to the address of the box, by the time they’re ready to send the check?

      We’re having that same issue here. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort eliminating as much sensitive snail mail as possible. We live in a townhouse complex with cluster mailboxes and the HOA can only use what’s approved by the post office, and when carriers are held up at gunpoint for their master keys, it doesn’t matter how secure the box is against ordinary break ins.

    5. ronda*

      for a longer term solution, change insurance companies.

      if this is insurance via your employer, complain to your employer.

    6. Notthemomma*

      If you can find out when they will mail it, put a hold on your mail for a week to be picked up at the post office. Or if this is a true issue in your area- it isn’t rampant nationwide- either see if they will send certified /signature required, or longer term, invest in a lockable mailbox.

    7. Manders*

      We have that issue here too. One thing that can help us to use the notification system from USPS. They send you a daily email with a photo of the mail that you should be receiving that day, and if it’s not there you’ll at least know to start the stop payment process. You can sign up on the USPS website.

      1. No checks in mail*

        Will this work if a company is sending to me? I thought this kind of thing only happened if a person was mailing it?

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Yes, my experience has been that if you sign up for informed delivery it will automatically notify you about every stupid little piece of mail, including junk mail.

        2. Stephanie*

          Yup, they scan every piece of mail that comes to you and you get a daily digest. If it’s a package, you’ll get the tracking number.

    8. The teapots are on fire*

      We did have the post office hold our mail for pickup for about a month after a rash of mail thefts at our apartment mailboxes. It was a pain but the insurance company can still mail to your address and you just go and pick it up.

    9. BlueWolf*

      It’s crazy that they haven’t figured out a workaround. I recently had to be reimbursed by my auto insurance due to an issue with the rental car coverage. They actually emailed me an electronic payment link. I forget what all the options were, but they were able to reimburse directly to my debit card. Much better than waiting for a check in the mail.

    10. Knighthope*

      A friend mailed my birthday card at a small, local USPS post office. I have a mail slot in my front door. So USPS had custody the whole time. The envelope arrived open and the flap obviously been ripped by a knife or letter opener. I did report it. A boy I know received a birthday card in July that had been mailed a few states away in April. The cash was missing.

  57. Chaordic One*

    I can understand your insurance company not wanting to mail to “General Delivery” at a post office. Will they mail to a P.O. Box? Most insurance and financial services companies will. Sure, you’d have to pay for the P.O. box, but it would be more secure than mailing to your home and provide you with some peace of mind.

    If you live in a house, you might consider getting a lockable mailbox. (Not impossible to break into, but something of a deterrent that would make stealing your mail a bit more difficult and thieves would likely look elsewhere for easier pickings before breaking into your mailbox.) You can find them at hardware and home improvement stores like Loews and Home Depot.

  58. Elle*

    I just made Gimmesomeoven’s Sticky Honey Lemon Chicken and it was delicious. That’s a new recipe site for me and it looks like lots of good stuff on there.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Oooh. Made a sorbet from that site yesterday and it was yummy – Basil Lime (or Lime Basil).

  59. Chaordic One*

    What does your insurance company consider an “address of record”? I can understand them not wanting to mail a check to a post office under “general delivery,” but do they refuse to send mail to a P.O. Box? My employer allows our customers to have a separate “mailing address” (which might be a P.O. box or a home address for a business account), AND a second “location address” (which might be a business address or the street address of a home). Both addresses are considered “addresses of record.” I don’t know why they would not consider a P.O. box to be an address of record. The cost of renting a P.O. box in a post office is reasonable, although getting to the P.O. can be a bit of a hassle, and you do have a degree of peace of mind. All the post offices I’ve been to have security cameras and the local police departments regularly patrol them.

    If you live in house, you might consider getting a lockable mail box. Thieves can still break into them, but they are a deterrent and most thieves move on to an easier targets before breaking into one. You can find them at hardware or home improvement stores, such as Home Depot or Lowe’s.

  60. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

    Small joys thread? What made you happy this week?

    I got to see a couple of dear friends in person whom I haven’t seen in a *very* long time. And I found a miracle parking space when I really, really needed one.

    2. allathian*

      A fairly big joy was going to see the West End production of Mamma Mia! in an outdoor performance on Friday. There was a rain shower just before the performance started, but I’d come prepared with a new weatherproof jacket and pants. The rain stopped just as the actors came on stage. The spotlights were rather drowned out by the sun shining on the stage, but the performance was absolutely fabulous. Well worth the 100 euros I paid for the ticket.

    3. Llama face!*

      I got an enameled cast iron pan and a small cooler both for free from someone getting rid of stuff and posting it online. The only cost was taking the bus to go get them. The pan is a red to orange ombre on the ouside and grey inside and is really pretty. It also looks like it has barely or never been used. I had just been thinking I need to replace my current no-longer-nonstick frying pan but my budget is tight so this came at a very helpful time!

    4. Bobina*

      Cut open a perfectly ripe avocado this week :D

      Also quite glad to have finally ran a few errands this week which mean they are no longer lingering in the back of my brain.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I found a professional in my price range to finish the painting job I started in one of my upstairs rooms. (Usually I like painting but for some reason I was just having a bad case of the don’t-wannas after the first coat this time, and it had been languishing for over a month :P ) It’s a bright golden-orange and it looks great!

      Next up is the flooring and baseboards, when we’re done with that room it’ll be the orange with medium-light hickory flooring and white trim, and it’ll just feel so big and bright and I am STOKED. It’s going to be primarily an exercise room, so having a nice feeling room will hopefully help with the motivation there too.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also, my woofapotamus has decided her favorite thing is the hose, or more specifically the water that comes out of it, and I think we’re at a point now where I can pretty reliably get her to sit and wait with manners while I water the garden, then after the spigot is off, she gets to chase the water like a cat with a laser pointer while I empty the hose out so I can put it away. And it is the cutest thing, 115 pounds of silly romping around all WHARGARBL!! (Luckily she dries quick after.)

        2. Snell*

          “Woofapotamus” omg that’s so precious!! (if this site had the function, I’d put that emoji with the big dark wobbly eyes here) Is that just a general pet name or do you use it because she’s chunky (in either flesh or how the bones are set)? I never put too much thought to it until I started regularly hanging out with a Bichon, but some dogs really do just have a chunky frame, and it’s not always the breeds/types of dogs you’d expect. My own dogs allegedly have some Whippet in there, so I got used to long and lean dogs. Comparatively, that Bichon (10 lbs.) is skeletally a heckin’ chonker.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            My older and smaller dog is a boxer/whippet mix, the woofapotamus is a purebred blue (which is really grey) Great Dane, almost 18 months old and we think about full grown, but small for it at 115 pounds. When she was a baby baby and growing so fast she couldn’t keep track of where she ended, she bumbled around and ran into me all the time and I joked she was like having a scrawny baby hippo underfoot, so we attached -apotamus as a suffix to many things – slobberpotamus, chickapotamus, goofapotamus, chompapotamus. Then I got a cartoon in my Thoughts of Dog page-a-day calendar to the effect of “Sometimes I nibble on my human’s sleeves to remind them I’m descended from wolves.” And since sleeve nibbling was also a thing she was doing sometimes at the time, her primary descriptor became “woofapotamus” for “descended from woofs and bumbly like a baby hippo,” though we still put some of the others on there too. On the way to bed tonight I think I called her a sleepachompawoofapotamus.

            Usually she is Abigail Rose Sleepyface Goofin’ Gorilla-Paws Sinatra, Wuffleberry Princess and Daintiest Woofapotamus. Though she has grown into her paws and out of her blue eyes, so her full name is still a work in progress.

            Her big sister is Alannah Jane Sleepyface Corporal Radar Wigglebottom the Froshus, Queen of the Carrot Mafia and Bane of All Flossiraptors Errywhere. We do names proper around here :)

    7. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Visiting my parent’s new kitten. My cats disapprove vehemently, but the younger one is also starting to be intrigued by the kitten’s playfulness.

    8. Can't Sit Still*

      I had a perfectly toasted everything bagel yesterday. They’re usually either singed or just barely warm, but this was perfect.

    9. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I did a kickboxing class this morning!!!

      I’ve been really struggling to get the exercise that my body craves due to Reasons (like physical injuries plus emotional triggers around movement) and I have been making major strides in physical therapy and emotional therapy, and today I signed up for a kickboxing conditioning class and went!!! I used to do Muay Thai about 15 years ago and loved it so much but had to stop.

      I was nervous this morning, but 15 minutes into class I had to cover my face with my gloves and weep a bit with joy.

      I took care of my body and took breaks when I needed them and the instructor was super chill about it all, just checked to make sure I was ok and told me to take care of myself (before I signed up I made sure that they’d be welcoming of limits instead of pushing or shaming, and they were!). I kicked ass (do punching bags have asses?) and took names! I felt so good. I’m in happy and relieved tears again writing this.

      Tomorrow I’m going swimming.

    10. Miss Thymia*

      Starting my Sunday with the Star Trek: Strange New Worlds/Lower Decks crossover episode that I wasn’t expecting until Thursday… as well as finding out there’s a musical episode coming before the end of the season.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Cookout tonight with friends we havent hung out with since before covid! We used to see them s lot, then all our social stuff got upended, and our “flight paths” settled back into forms that didn’t naturally converge anymore. I am so excited to see them!

    12. carcinization*

      Friends came over for dinner tonight for an early birthday celebration (both members of the other couple are Leos, and so am I, my husband is the lone Virgo), and it worked out well. Usually they host and make Italian dishes that include meat, I made vegetable curry and samosas today. Everything worked out really well considering that having folks (who aren’t my mom) over for dinner is not something I do often. We ended the evening by watching an episode of “Iron Chef,” which is something the female half of the couple and I used to do back in undergrad over 20 years ago. It turned out that the challenger was an Italian chef so that made it even more fun to watch.

  61. Canadian Kudu*

    Has anyone used one of the food waste apps for discounted food nearing its best before date? Any success stories or epic failures?

    I’ve recently got the Too good to go app and tried it twice, both times at grocery stores.
    First time I got a bakery surprise bag for $7 and got rye bread, chapati bread, chocolate chip cookies and raspberry turnovers. Super easy and fast pickup, and most of it was easy to freeze so I didn’t need to rush to eat it.
    Yesterday, at a different store I tried a fruit and salad surprise bag for $7. It said to pick up in the produce section, which there is no staffed counter, so I asked where to go and they said to knock on the store room door. There was there another customer picking up a bag as well, except she said they told her the orders were supposed to have been cancelled and they didn’t have any bags put together, and they were asking a manager what to do. Kind of chaotic. Anyway, they ended up putting a bag together for us quickly, so I’m not sure if what I got is typical, but I got a prepared salad (berry and goat cheese), a bagged caesar salad kit, melon fruit cup, package of mushrooms, package of diced celery/onion mix, and a package of mustard greens. So a good selection even if it was a confusing and time consuming pickup.

    I’ll likely try the grocery store bags again. There’s not many restaurants using it in my area besides one of the pizza chains, but there’s a few bakeries a little further away that might be nice to try.

    1. Erica*

      I’m in Brooklyn and have had really good success with Too Good To Go! I find they lean heavily toward baked goods, I guess bc those go bad quickly, so it gets a bit repetitive but if you’re down for lots of carbs it can work great. For other types of food, those places seem to sell out quickly so I make a note ofwhen they open up orders and request as soon as I can

    2. Alex*

      I’ve used it! Mostly no issues. I did have once where they didn’t have a bag for me because somehow it had been double booked, but I got a refund for that one.

      The only real issue is that a few of them near me are SO SO popular that they literally sell out in 5 seconds. You can be on the app, ready to press “buy” the second it opens, and still not get one because they sold out during your reaction time. But I live in the city and so there are lots of people trying to get just a few items.

    3. Blue wall*

      I’ve used Flash Food a few times. For produce I like that I can go to the store and look at the produce bag before purchasing (Philly burbs).

    4. HBJ*

      Ugh, I really hope this doesn’t become a thing near me. The stores I shop at already do this except without needing to download yet another app. They mark down the stuff and put it back on the same shelf (salad stuff, meat, etc.) or put it on a separate shelf (non-refrigerated produce, baked goods), and you can buy it on a regular shopping trip and pick what you want. I will be so disappointed if the store I usually shop at switches to this model.

  62. I'm just here for the cats!*

    question about wedding etiquette. the invite said 4:00 with reception at 6. Do you take that to mean that the ceremony starts at 4 or that you should arrive by 4? had a wedding yesterday and we got there 5 minutes before the ceremony started.
    in my mind the invites should have said ceremony to start at 4 with reception after.

    1. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      while your wording would have been clearer, I would take it to mean the ceremony starts at 4

    2. Not A Manager*

      In the old days, the convention was that the invite stated the time the ceremony started, and people were supposed to arrive 15-20 minutes prior in order to be seated. Lately I’ve arrived 20 minutes early, and the ceremony hasn’t started until half an hour after the stated time. So if you’re unsure, you could ask someone in the wedding party/close to the couple in order to clarify.

      As an aside, I’ve known several couples who come from a background where people arrive 3-4 hours late to EVERYTHING, including weddings. They lied to their family that the wedding started 4 hours earlier, and those folks were still late to the actual ceremony.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      To me, a time given for a thing means that the thing starts at that time, so I should allow myself time to park, use the restroom, whatever I might need to do so that my butt is in my seat five minutes before the time given and ready to go.

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Something starts at 4:00. It’s probably the ceremony but it might be a cocktail hour – I’ve been to several weddings where they did that.

      And in this case I suspect they put the time of the reception on the invitation because there will be a gap. I’d be surprised (and a bit distressed) to sit through a two-hour wedding ceremony.

    5. Llama Llama*

      I have been to many weddings that the ceremony was at one time and then there was a break until the ceremony for pictures (and sometimes travel to the reception venue). Some had a cocktail hour in between and others left you to your own devices.

      Just ask the organizers for clarification though.

    7. Anono-me*

      Based on my experience; I would have read it that the ceremony would start at 4:00 pm, so I would have wanted to be seated at 3:50 pm.

      IME both times are given so people who have to take care of something in between know how much time they have ( For example, go home to let the dog out or quick gas up the car for the drive home etc.) or if someone has work/other obligations, but but can go to one part.

      I think giving both times on a wedding invitation maybe more common in USA Catholic Wedding invitations due to the notorious “Catholic gap”. (USA Catholic Churches typically have Confession late Saturday afternoon followed by Saturday Evening Mass. This means the 3rd/last wedding of the day starts at 1:30 or 2:00 pm usually.)

    8. fhqwhgads*

      In my experience if the invite doesn’t specify “ceremony start at X” and only lists a single time, then that’s when the ceremony starts. But most I’ve been to recently said something like “please arrive by X, ceremony to start at Y”. That said the most recent wedding I went to, the invite did say only “at X”. I arrived at 15 minutes to X, and the ceremony started at 15 minutes after X, which seemed super reasonable.

  63. Erica*

    We are moving to Montreal! My partners job starts Nov 1 so we are hoping to get there in Oct if the visa allows. Advice and connections from people who live there welcome — especially on what to know when apt searching (we’ll rent at first, probably in Mile End), daycare registration (we are starting to fill out La Place but a little unclear if we can do this before we actually have our visas/ a residency there), phone, internet, banking, accountant for handling taxes, etc. Thanks!

    1. tuesday next*

      My old high school is in Mile End. It was a very run-down part of town then, but has greatly gentrified. Enjoy! Given that it’s been awhile since I lived in mtl, here’s some things to be aware of: most place rent from july1-july1, but there will be a lesser selection of places to rent. I’m not sure what country you’re coming from, or how good your french is. Many people are bilingual, but there is a huge cultural reluctance against english. Learn how to excuse yourself in French. All the major banks are essentially equivalent (TD, RBC, BM,ScotiaBank), but Quebec has credit unions (caisse populaire) which are popular. Cel phones will be *much more expensive* for less service that what you’re used to (regardless of which country you’re coming from). There are seemingly many companies, but they basically boil down to two. If you want a landline, it’s not so expensive, but you probably won’t have a choice of companies. Internet should be ~ $100/month for decent service. I don’t know much about the daycare situation. Quebec has famously cheap daycare, but I’ve definitely heard that you get what you pay for – if you try a private daycare, service is much better. And, I’m not sure what the rules are, but your kids may have to go to school in french. I don’t know what the exceptions are for foreign-born parents. Enjoy it! It’s way too hot and crowded for me, but I sure do miss the Mile End bagels!

    2. Once too Often*

      Ooh, congratulations! Montreal is a great city. Can’t give you tips on housing or visas, but I’d start reading the paper online most days, & definitely listening to French radio. I love Québécois French; the rhythm & accent are very different from France French. Technically most things there are bilingual, but there are still settings where you need French.

      Also, note that at one point all immigrant families (in Quebec) putting their kids in public school were required to educate their kids in the French system. Don’t know if that’s still true. Made it tougher for some parents to help kids with homework, etc, but it sounds like you have some time before yours are ready for school.

    3. AGD*

      Montreal is amazing! Much colder winters than those in NYC, but there are a whole bunch of Québec companies that specialize in making warm layers and boots. Shop early in September/October fall if possible and ask for help with different options from the salespeople if you need it – don’t buy winter boots in a panic in late October after it snows for the first time (ask me how I know). Good grips underneath are a must, because on top of all the snow and ice, Montreal is kind of a mountain and a lot of the streets are steeper than anything in New York. That said, last I checked, typical rents were far lower there than in most of the large cities in Canada, and if you take the exchange rate into account, it might not feel like very much money to spend compared with NYC!

  64. VanLH*

    looking at the picture, I am glad we are not the only people with a cat that finds waste baskets annoying.

  65. Anima*

    Mhhhm I feel the invite was worded weirdly, last wedding I’ve been to had start 2 pm, ceremony starts at 3 pm, reception at 5. I feel there was something left out in your invite.

    2. Generic Name*

      I think what’s left out is how guests are expected to fill the hour plus time gap between the ceremony and reception. The wedding party will likely be taking photos, and I attended one wedding where the wedding party took photos and rode a party bus during the gap, but guests went home/back to their hotel room and hung around for a couple of hours.

      1. really*

        I went to a wedding where it was mill around waiting for them to open the reception area or go to your room if you had one. Wedding was on Sunday afternoon and we had to get home that night 3 hours away so no room. And we had no idea when the reception was to start and I believe it was sit down dinner not buffet.

  66. vulturestalker*

    Just wanted to say a big thanks to the commenters on a weekend thread several months ago who gave tips on a basic skincare routine. Specifically, someone pointed me to the e.l.f. moisturizers–the gel one for night and the moisturizing sunscreen one for the day. I don’t hate the sunscreen, which is saying something because all the previous sunscreens I’ve tried have felt really gross. (Don’t love it, but I know I need to wear spf, and it’s tolerable!) And I absolutely love the gel moisturizer. I’ll post the product names later if I remember–can’t think of them now.

    It turns out the cleanser I was using was way too harsh. Switched to a more mild one from CeraVe, and paired with those two moisturizers, I have a very basic routine that I can take with me easily, and which has made a noticeable difference to my skin.

    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      That’s awesome news! I also discovered the same thing so I only cleanse with jojoba oil and 1-2 times a week I do a sugar scrub (just sugar and jojoba) to exfoliate. Stopped breaking out once I started doing that. Occasionally I’ll use a natural face wash but I haven’t needed it.

  67. Road Trippin'*

    Next week I’ll be road tripping from Missouri to upstate NY. I’m a westerner who has never been to the area. What local food chains, gas stations (Is Buc-cee’s in that region? Heard of it, never been) etc should I not miss? We’re not sightseeing, just moving a relative’s car from point A to point B as fast as possible, so I’m mostly looking for places we can stop for food and necessities.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        My first thought, too (although admittedly I forgot the name, my only time there was when I was visiting someone upstate :p but it obviously made an impression!).

    2. RussianInTexas*

      I doubt Buc-ees is that far north, it’s a Texas chain and only now moving to other states, all in the south.

    3. Maryn*

      Make it three for Wegmans. As grocery stores go, it’s extraordinary. We’ve left NY and I really miss it.

      Other businesses worth checking out:

      Abbott’s Frozen Custard
      Genesee Brewery beers
      Great Harvest Bread (loaves and sandwiches to go)
      Boston Market (take-out chicken, turkey, and sides)

      If you travel on the New York State Thruway, be advised that the new rest areas are said to be just awful, with long lines for the restroom.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Boston Market also has really good meat loaf, of all weird things.

    4. really*

      Sheetz in PA. Sells gasoline and has made to order food as well as al the snacks/drinks you would expect.

    5. Wawa*

      Wawa gas stations if you’re near Philly. Great hoagies, coffee drinks, and smoothies.

  68. Daily Fan*

    “Upstate NY” covers a lot of ground! I am originally from the Albany area and my favorite food is Ted’s Fish Fry. Deep fried fish with a chilli sauce on a hot dog bun. I now live across the country. Every trip “back east” has a stop at Ted’s as a must do item. Other family members scattered across the county agree!

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