weekend open thread — July 27-28, 2024

by Alison Green on July 26, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Sandwich, by Catherine Newman. This is the story of a family during their summer beach vacation, as the mom struggles with menopause, her kids getting older, and her aging parents. There are some very vivid descriptions of sandwiches, as well as the push and pull of family.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. nnn*

    Reading thread! What is everyone reading? I just started Margo’s Got Money Troubles which was a recommendation of AAM’s a few weeks ago and I am loving it so far. It’s funny but with heart.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Those Beyond the Wall by Micaiah Johnson, the sequel to her excellent The Space Between Worlds. It’s about the people living in a post-apocalyptic society who find kindness where you wouldn’t expect it. Centered on Mr. Scales, one of the runners who appeared briefly in the first book, and characters from there reappear but through a different lens. So good I am now rereading the first book with the revelations of the second in mind.

      Daughter of the Merciful Deep by Leslye Penelope, about a Black town in the 1930s which is destined to be flooded by construction of a dam. Unless magic offers a way out for everybody. I really loved her previous book but this one didn’t land. Good: very strong sense of place, and I liked the idea of a magical system rooted in gifts freely given from the ancestors to their descendants. But I felt like I knew what was going to happen, and not in the way where you are obsessed with learning how. The heroine is mute after past trauma, and while the shame and hunkering down around that are believable and very well drawn, it meant she wound up being rather passive.

    2. GoryDetails*

      The Malevolent Seven by Sebastien de Castell, a dark fantasy adventure in which the protagonists are self-proclaimed Very Bad People – mages who work as mercenaries for the highest bidder. They bicker and brawl and turn on each other – and yet some of them do seem to have their own standards, of a sort… It turns into a quest-story with side-quests, unusual characters, lots of different types of magic, and some interesting twists and turns.

      The Family Plot by Megan Collins, about a family dedicated to the victims of serial killers – by which I mean they named their children after celebrated victims, conduct classes in the details of the murders, and do all this from their home on a remote wooded island, which is also the haunt of a famous and yet-unidentified killer. So, a typical upbringing, right? When the family patriarch dies and a long-dead body is found in his grave-plot, one that seems to be the family’s long-missing son, the story kicks into gear.

      1. Andromeda*

        Interested by Malevolent Seven — I tend to like stories about (non-annoying, non-unconscionable) awful people, and I like off-the-wall magic/power systems.

        Would you say the story is invested in getting us to like them, in a traditional sense, as opposed to being intrigued or hate-watching them? That is my main pet peeve in “protagonists are terrible” genre books and, if the author is not careful, can lead to some truly awful things being completely uncommented on.

        Example, because I want to rant about it: one thriller I read had its main character slip her depressed friend antidepressants without him knowing, and this was portrayed as an “unscrupulous but good” thing to do. I was so angry! Beyond the obvious bodily autonomy and consent issues… What happens if her friend, feeling a bit better, goes to the doctor feeling ready for treatment and doesn’t realise he has antidepressants in his system already? What if he has a reaction???

        1. GoryDetails*

          Re Malevolent Seven: It’s pretty clear we’re meant to like them to some degree, though just how far that goes would depend on individual tastes. (The rat-mage is practically Pixar-style Puss In Boots!)

      2. Sitting Pretty*

        Thanks for the recommendation! I just put the Space Between Words on my list at the library. I’m really needing books that show the kinder, more cooperative possibilities of a human society in crisis.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Rereading continues: now it’s A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Also finally making progress with What You Are Looking For is in the Library, a very sweet Japanese novel about various people, dissatisfied with their lives, who all go to the same library, meet the same librarian, and read a book that prompts change in their lives. Love the cover, too!

            1. Elizabeth West*

              That’s a good one.
              I did not like Maggie Now, however. I HATED the ending. HATED it.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        Oooh I just emailed my independent bookstore to order that Japanese novel! Sounds so delicious – similar to the vibe of “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” (highly recommend, also a Japanese author).

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Rereading “The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle” – it’s really fun because I remember the general gist of how it ended but not the details so it’s still a mystery but I get to feel smart about it, haha.

      1. Bandit and Pepper*

        I just started re-reading (actually re-listening to the audiobook) this, too! I remember loving it so much the first time I read it, but the audiobook has been harder to get into, strangely enough. I think I just don’t care for the actor’s voice.

        1. Same*

          Same! I thought I was the only one who didn’t like it. On the other hand his second novel is great!

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            The boat one? I found it so boring I gave up less than halfway through, and I almost NEVER abandon books. I could not tell you a thing about it beyond what the cover looked like.

      3. Alanna of Trebond*

        I just did the same except I got my book club to join me. A couple of them loved it and it wasn’t the cup of tea for a few!

    5. Sparkle Llama*

      I am reading How to Stop Time and listening to The Feather Thief. Enjoying both of them.

      I have found several good books this summer through my library’s summer reading program that has a variety of challenges. I have one left – I need to read something about extra terrestrials. Any suggestions that are approachable to someone not super into sci fi and likely to be available through Libby with minimal wait.

      1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        I liked Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty. It’s a mystery set on an alien space station. The protagonist goes there as the first human because she wants to leave behind her life on earth where she keeps getting mixed up in murders.

      2. Lore*

        Connie Willis, The Road to Roswell: screwball romcom that kicks off with an alien abduction

      3. AGD*

        Illegal Alien by Robert J. Sawyer. Murder mystery that happens to have an extraterrestrial defendant.

        1. Meh*

          I remember reading that a long time ago. Don’t remember many details now but the premise was interesting and interestingly developed.

      4. OtterB*

        The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. Main character takes a job managing administration for a spaceship whose crew includes various extraterrestrials. Found family vibe. Available on Libby.

        Our Child of the Stars by Stephen Cox, about a couple in the Woodstock era who adopt a little boy who is found injured after a meteor strike. Doesn’t seem to be on Libby, though.

        1. Smol Book Wizard*

          okay, I am definitely so checking out Our Child of the Stars. magical/fantastical child adoption is possibly my favorite genre in the world.

        2. RC*

          Oh I love everything Becky Chambers. I think the third book (Record of a Spaceborn Few) and the 4th one (The Galaxy and the Ground Within) are my favorites. #3 is about post-post-apocalyptic humans (it is hopeful I promise) and #4 has nearly no humans in it at all but is also has themes of found families and reproductive choices and expectations and post-colonial repercussions and how to right them.

      5. Sparkle Llama*

        Thanks for the suggestions! I love the idea of a sci fi setting for a mystery since I read a lot of mysteries!

      6. Ali + Nino*

        I loved The Feather Thief!! just my type of book (I read it didn’t listen to the audiobook)

    6. chocolate muffins*

      Just finished Where the Crawdads Sing, which had absolutely *gorgeous* writing in my opinion and was one of the most melancholy books I’ve ever read, in a good way.

    7. Mitchell Hundred*

      I recently read “Paying The Land” by Joe Sacco. It’s a journalistic graphic novel where he goes to the northern part of Canada and interviews a bunch of people about the region’s history and contemporary social problems. As a Canadian (albeit a white one who is decidedly not from the Northwest Territories) I was aware of some of the stuff he talks about, but he goes way more in-depth than I expected. It’s a brilliant work, highly recommended.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, wow! This looks fantastic! I’ve ordered it at the library. Thank you for this.

    8. Jackalope*

      I’m currently reading a book called The Sisters Grimm by Menna van Praag. It’s a fun fantasy so far and includes 4 characters who are all aligned with the 4 elements (fire, water, earth, and air). I feel like it’s proceeding a bit more slowly than I would like but otherwise I’m enjoying it.

      1. English Rose*

        I haven’t read that one, but I enjoyed her Dress Shop of Dreams and House at the End of Hope Street. Thanks for the reminder about her.

    10. Writerling*

      I couldn’t tell you how The False Prince ended up on my reading list but I finally finished it this week, didn’t expect that plot twist so I gobbled the end quicker than the rest.

      Also reading Sounds Fake But Okay which is great, makes me want to re-read Ace.

    11. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I just started I Want To Die But I Want To Way Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee.

      Mixed feeling so far, especially because I find the narration very dry. Almost too dry to relate to, despite the intro saying the author’s intention was to help people connect with her experience. I’ll press on because I’m interested in the concept of a therapy memoir, and it’s taken many months to get to the top of the library queue (I doubt Libby will let me renew it).

      1. Mrs. Frisby*

        This might not be exactly what you’re looking for, but I really loved Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She’s a therapist, but she also talks about her experience in therapy (as well as following the stories of a few clients). One of those that I did not expect to love as much as I did–it might fit under the umbrella of therapy memoir.

    12. BikeWalkBarb*

      Thanks to a recommendation here a while back I recently tore through the first three Ruth Galloway mysteries by Elly Griffiths and just teed up #4. I wish Dr. Galloway didn’t beat up on herself so much over her body size but she’s smart and isn’t afraid to let it show.

      Read Mr. Mercedes–first Stephen King I’ve read in a long time–and have the sequel Finders Keepers in my Kindle to read after the Ruth Galloway.

      In between those, since I’m apparently in a mystery mood, I read Silent in the Grave, the first in Deanna Raybourn’s Lady Julia Grey mystery series. I really liked Raybourn’s Victoria Speedwell series, about a lepidopterist who ends up solving mysteries, so I’m heading into this series if my library has the rest of them.

      Also read Justina Ireland’s Rust in the Root. Her book Dread Nation and the sequel were great. This one is also good, not set in the same alternate history but its own kind of alternate history with a blight and disagreement between users of a form of magic and others who apply the magic to mechanical uses, sort of steampunkish.

      (Going to a conference across the country for a week gave me a lot of reading time while traveling.)

      Every week this thread gives me more things to add to my library request list. So many books, so little time.

      1. Aquatic*

        I gave up on Ruth Galloway because I just didn’t want to be an audience for her to hate her body. But then I missed the rest of her and the gang so I tried skipping ahead a few books. It gets better!

    13. Six Feldspar*

      I’m on a roll with the Discworld books and about halfway through rereading Feet of Clay, definitely one of my favourites

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I want to re-read the City Watch collection because I remember them being fabulous (and I never did get to Nights Watch because I uh… don’t usually like time travel) but Carrot and Angua are my dears.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Do give Night Watch a try – it’s hilarious and poignant, and features some marvelous scenes with a young Vetinari!

        3. Goldbirch*

          Unlurking to say that I also don’t usually like time travel, but when I finally read Night Watch anyway, I did actually enjoy it! (Okay, I still didn’t adore the time travel element, specifically; but I’ve re-read Night Watch multiple times, which I have never ever done with any other time travel book). YMMV.

    14. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Found in an independent bookshop on my holiday, bought and read within two days:

      Anxious People by Fredrik Backman.

      It’s hilarious, sad, heart warming. The author is very clever (and I’d say he knows it) and there are a bunch of small and bigger twists, which sometimes feel like going back on yourself within the story but ultimately leads to a very satisfying ending.
      It’s apparently also been adapted by Netflix, though I can’t think how they’d be able to keep some of the twists in a visual medium.

      1. Weavinglibrarian*

        I started Anxious People unsure what I was getting into, and then loved it.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I might have to try that one! I LOVED “A Man called Ove” (which I think was made into a movie of a slightly different name with Tom Hanks?). It was SO very poignant and beautiful.

    15. English Rose*

      I’m on a non-fiction style book binge at the moment. Just finished Style and Substance, by Bay Garnett, a series of essays and interviews old and new about what we wear and have done over the years. Both fun and educational.
      Now part way through Big Dress Energy by Shakaila Forbes Bell, on the psychology of clothing, which is a whole lot more fun than it might sound!

    16. Tradd*

      I just finished There Will Be Fire, about the IRA’s assassination attempt on UK PM Margaret Thatcher in 1984 that came close to succeeding. I love history and am fascinated by UK history.

        1. Tradd*

          Yes, it was excellent. Much more info on the IRA than I knew other than vague stuff about “The Troubles.” What was really interesting was that the Brits scoffed about the Secret Service way of sweeping everything, etc., earlier in 1984, I think, when Reagan came with meet with Thatcher. After the assassination attempt, the Brits belatedly realized the way the Secret Service operated was the much thorough method.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        If you’re interested in that you might also like Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe (if you haven’t already read it). very gripping

    17. The OG Sleepless*

      I read “I Hope This Finds You Well,” one of Alison’s recs from a while back, and it was delightful.

    18. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished the book 4 in the Pierce Brown’s Red Rising sci-fi series.
      Set 10 years after the end of the previous and at that time final book, it’s interesting to see how the main character, the hero, is actually might be actually a villain for many, even those he fought for, how the revolution eats it’s own children, and how democracy can be extremely fragile.

    19. Undergarment nerd*

      I recently started re-reading The Muqqadimah by Abd Al-Raman Ibn Khaldûn Al-Hadradi (usually just referred to as Ibn Khaldûn). Been a while since I read it.

      That said, does anyone know of an unabridged version or even the full book series and not just the Muqqadimah*? Seems I can only find abridged versions and I’d like to read the whole thing, but my Arabic is limited to 1) spoken and 2) mostly phrases that would get me into serious trouble when used.

      * for those who don’t know: Ibn Khaldûn wrote a series of books about the rise and fall of several empires. The Muqqadimah is the first book and is the introduction to the work, but it’s already so complete that the other books are often not read. And apparently we can’t even be bothered to translate the entire thing but insist on abridging it for…I don’t know, money reasons? Lack of time? Who knows.

    20. Lore*

      I just finished The Warmth of Other Suns (was reading it before the NYT list came out, coincidentally!) and cannot believe it took me this long given that I’ve had a copy on my shelf for literally years. It is just incredible. Also digging into The Freaks Came Out to Write, an oral history of The Village Voice, which may be of more local interest, but I love a good oral history. And finally a plug for Morgan Talty’s Fire Exit, which is sneakily devastating. (I read his Night of the Living Rez and Tommy Orange’s There There around the same time and preferred Talty, perhaps just because the New England setting speaks to me, so I put Fire Exit ahead of Wandering Stars, but I’ll get to Wandering Stars this year too, I hope.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        I’m just now learning of Morgan Talty, thank you! I’ll check him out. I love Tommy Orange so it will be great to have a new-to-me author to read.

    21. Bibliovore*

      We’ll Prescribe You a Cat Syou Ishida, E. Madison Shimoda (Translated by)
      On Sale Date: September 3, 2024.
      Read in galley. Just what the doctor ordered. In interlinked short stories, people with various ailments are at wits end when a friend of a friend recommends an out of the way clinic. The physician prescribes them a cat.

        1. Rosyglasses*

          I may have replied to you upthread – but “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” is a Japanese collection of short stories about a mystical out of the way coffee shop where you can visit the past and it is heartwarming, melancholy, and lovely all at once.

        2. Helvetica*

          Much less cosy but “Nails and Eyes” by Kaori Fujino is a tense, subtle horror story that is more unsettling than truly frightening. Not everybody’s cup of tea but I was fascinated by it.

          1. GoryDetails*

            “Nails and Eyes” sounds like something I’d enjoy – thanks for mentioning it!

    22. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I blew through the audiobook version of Margo’s Got Money Troubles last week and really enjoyed it. Same deal, I saw the recommendation here.

    23. carcinization*

      Mandanna’s The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches. I have to say I’m not a fan, I somehow didn’t realize that it’s basically a romance novel. For a book I thought would be similar, I liked Legends and Lattes much better, the romance seemed way more balanced with the other plot things in that one. Not disparaging people who enjoy romances, just not my thing!

    24. Margarita Claire*

      Just finished Kate Quinn’s The Briar Club, which was marvelous! Working my way through a biography of Ben Franklin. It’s interesting, but non-fiction is always a much slower read for me.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I just finished Kate Quinn’s The Rose Code! It was definitely a page-turner, even if I couldn’t conceptualize all the technical details she described.

        Now I’m reading Adrenaline 2000: The Year’s Best Stories of Adventure and Survival edited by Clint Willis. ok, so it’s not recent – but great writing holds up. easy to pick up and put down and I love a good adventure.

    25. Nervous Nellie*

      A stack for me this week. I have a little time off coming, so I have loaded up!

      Still dreamily basking in wartime Egypt in The Alexandria Quartet by Lawrence Durrell, but also starting to dip into:

      The Gnostics by Jacques Lacarriere, a poetic study of an extinct religious sect that believed that the creation of humanity was gross mistake, and that we each have a spark of the almighty within us that we must find to transcend the ugliness. It caught my eye in a used bookshop because Lawrence Durrell himself wrote the foreword. An odd & intriguing subject!

      The Art of Self Invention – Image & Identity in Popular Visual Culture by Joanne Finkelstein, a study of the ways we construct our public identity – style, fashion, status symbols, etiquette, but also how we are influenced by visual culture from films, advertising and TV.

      The Pursuit of Loneliness: American Culture at the Breaking Point by Philip Slater. With a title like this, you would think this a new release, but this was published in 1970! A reviewer from the back cover says the author clarifies “the relationships between our self-imposed subservience to technology and the quality of life in the United States.” As you can imagine, it’s quite a trip. Highly recommended, and can be found at biblio.com.

    26. SBT*

      Recently started We Love You Charlie Freeman and am really enjoying it so far. Can’t tell where it’s going at all so not ready to fully recommend (got tricked by The Midnight Library – fell in love with it in the first half, hated it by the end, and I led many friends astray talking about what a great book it was initially).

      Premise of Charlie Freeman is the story of a Black family moves into a research institute because they know sign language and are participating in a study where they’re living with a chimp (Charlie) and supposed to teach him sign language. But the institute has a problematic past.

    27. *daha**

      How To Get A Girlfriend (When You’re A Terrifying Monster) by Marie Cardno. Sian is a graduate student researcher investigating a dimension that has been a source of soul-eating and devastating attacks on Earth every few centuries. Her tools are magic and spells, because that is the sort of college she attends. Her portal takes her to a place inhabited by a single all-powerful malevolent entity that buds off independent monsters and reabsorbs them later. Sian meets one of these and they develop instant crushes for each other. Going back to Earth as a couple is problematic.
      At 115 pages, this is short – barely reaching novella length. It’s also delightful. Author Cardno has thoroughly thought out the all the underlying bones and cartilage and such that make the plot plausible. There’s a sequel already released, and a third book has been foretold. If you want your reading neatly categorized, the Amazon entry puts it as “a sapphic cozy fantasy romance between a witch scientist and a shape-shifting Cthulhu monster. HEA guaranteed!” This is so much better than you’d expect from that.

    28. Elizabeth West*

      I’m halfway through Douglas Preston’s EXTINCTION. Can’t put it down!

      I got rid of a ton of books before I sold my house (gave them to the Friends of the Library for book sales) knowing that I probably wouldn’t have the space for them (and I was right), but I kept every single Preston & Child novel I had. Now I’m behind on Pendergast and will need to buy more. I’ll just have to find room for them, heh heh.

    29. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished Underground Airlines, which is an alternate history where the Civil War never happened, and slavery still exists in four of the southern states. Earlier this week, I read the Gunkle abroad. It had been a few years since I read the first one in this series and I was a bit fuzzy about the plot of the first one, but this one has a few callbacks to that book.

    30. FACS*

      just finished The Covenant of Water by Abraham Verghese. Sprawling multigenerational tale set in India. very long but very worth it.

    31. KKR*

      A good hard look by Ann Napolitano! I read Hello Beautiful and liked it for the most part, so this one has been in my hold list for a while

    32. Bruce*

      I have been reading two books about Polynesia: Hawaiki Rising, which tells the story of the construction and early voyages of the Hokulea, the first traditional double canoe to make long open ocean voyages for hundreds of years. As a sailor I was aware of Hokulea sailing around the world, but I had no idea how fraught and challenging the early voyages were, including one disaster that almost lost the whole crew and which cost the life of a famous surfer. The story of the rebirth of traditional navigation from the teaching of a single Micronesian navigator and the efforts of a Hawaiian to recreate stellar navigation is amazing. The second book is Sea People, which tells the history of the Polynesian people from the perspective of their meeting with Western explorers, their own oral histories as retold among themselves and as told to anthropologists, and finally through archeology and DNA that has recently clarified the true origins and debunked a lot of Western clap-trap. I had asked my son for this book as a birthday present, and he added Hawaiki rising on the recommendation of his friend who teaches Hawaiian history in the Kamahamea Schools.

    1. Past Lurker*

      A friend staying in touch even as they’re visiting the other side of the world.

      1. the Viking Diva*

        Mine’s similar: reached out to a childhood friend whom I’ve not seen in many years, and we’re going to have dinner when I’m in her city for work next month.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I took both my dogs to a new daycare today for a meet and greet – The woofapotamus has been going to daycare regularly since she was 3 months old, but she is huge and no daycare has more than a few spots a day for giant dogs, so I wanted a backup, plus our vet’s office closed their boarding kennel last fall and I’ve been looking for an alternative. Abigail did great as expected, she’s an old hand. But my elder ambassador Alannah has NEVER been to doggy daycare and she’s almost ten, so I worried that she would not deal well, get stressed out, etc. Nope – she was an absolute champ! Loved on all the people, played with the other dogs in the play yard, very excited. (And when I got her home she ran three laps around my husband, lay down and conked out hardcore.) So we’re going to start taking her to daycare occasionally as well, both with and without her sister.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I always wondered why my big boy didn’t come home tired from doggy daycare like everybody said. But I finally saw him on camera once and he was sleeping :P He always seemed happy to be there and the staff didn’t report any issues; I guess he just knew his limits.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The woofapotamus is the socialest of social butterflies, so she romps all day long with her buddies and always comes home tired. (Not gonna lie, that’s one of my favorite parts of daycare.)

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      I cleaned out five email accounts and got to inbox zero with them. Wow! I finally feel like I’m on top of those things for once. (Unsubscribed from so many things, too.)

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A second joy: the sponsor of the spinning event I was doing for the last couple weeks asked the actual event manager to pick out a really good picture he could use in his monthly newsletter to represent the event. Out of the six gazillion and fourteen pictures shared during the event by a bazillion and eight people, she messaged me on Tuesday to ask if she could use one of my pictures to give him for the newsletter :D

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter observed to me that I had given her a good relationship with food. Also she was excited to come home and have me cook for her.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      MOVING BACK HOME!

      After what seems like an age, we are FINALLY back in our renovated apartment–renovations continuing as I type, actually, since they couldn’t book the kitchen/bathroom stuff until today. But when I get home from work it should be to a refurbished space with Husband unpacking the kitchen stuff! Then it’s just reshelving our gazillion books and we are done!

      It’s been especially gratifying to see Peanut cat sleeping and eating through everything I was convinced was going to be an irreversible trauma for him.

      1. Past Lurker*

        I’m happy for you! I remember your previous post and was wondering when you’d get to go home.

    8. chocolate muffins*

      Going to the park with my toddler. He loves the swings and the slide, I love hearing his laugh, and it turns out that I am also secretly a toddler inside so it’s easy to have fun with him.

    9. Pamela S*

      I work at a non-profit craft guild. I was helping one of the members renew her membership and she finished the call with, “You do something nice for yourself today!”, which I thought was lovely.

    11. Writerling*

      Wondered who the package arriving was for and dismissed it as not expecting anything. But no, it WAS for me and I instantly thought of the usual culprit (friend) shipping me these surprises. Lo and behold, she’d ordered me some coffee sticks we’d talked about the other day! I knew it as soon as I shook the package and it made me laugh. Naturally I had to relay the whole story and it made her laugh. Such a small gesture but a nice way to feel loved.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        The exact opposite here. We’ve…actually had a reasonably warm day. I wore my summer jacket for the first time in weeks.

        1. londonedit*

          Same. It’s taken until the end of July but it actually looks like summer out there!

    13. Firebird*

      I went to German Fest today with some friends and had a good time. I ran into two other people that recognized me. (I’m moderately faceblind, but at least they looked familiar.) Four years ago I didn’t have friends to do things with and now I do.

    14. BellaStella (cat lady)*

      I have this next week off and am so happy! Small joys this week include getting a screen up on my door, bird watching, and the warm weather!

    15. Part time lab tech*

      I saw blue wrens in my suburban backyard (possibly splendid fairy wrens given the brilliance of one of them). They are common in bushland, less so in the actual suburbs. Pompoms with flicky tails

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I love seeing them because they really are so blue! Like a piece of clear sky bouncing around the bush!

        I also appreciate being able to recognise them immediately because no other bird is that colour. I can also generally spot new holland honeyeaters and silvereyes, but most of the little birds are not interested in staying still long enough to be identified …

        1. Part time lab tech*

          New Holland Honeyeaters are generally around as are Willy Wagtails and the small flock of little fast brown thingamajig birds but this is the first year I’ve seen blue wrens. They are so beautiful and were my mum’s favourites.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Well, there’s my small joy right there. Your first sentence is sweet and hilarious! Birds have the cutest names.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Teehee! Oh, I know! I’ve been an Audubon member since I was a child. It was just that the sentence sounded like something out of Dr. Seuss! What a chuckle. Of course a thingamajig is that kitchen implement that someone asks you to pass to them while making dinner. Or that tool one is asked to deliver to someone working under a car….

    16. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I recently re-started playing volleyball because someone I know hosts a beginners game. For context, I played in my hometown team throughout middle and high school. Wasn’t particularly good, but loved the game (the hyper-competitive setting I was in, not so much). I am now twice the age I was when I quit, and not a paragon of fitness in general, so felt quite rusty taking it up again.

      Well – turns out those games are a little too “beginner” for me. Muscle memory brought back almost all of my old moves – I thought I’d feel clumsy and clueless, and it’s quite the opposite.

      So, this week, I randomly signed up to an intermediate game with complete strangers in my neighbourhood. A year ago, I was in a bad place mentally and wouldn’t have dreamed of just turning up. But I did, and had a super fun, challenging game with people at my level. It felt like I was right where I was supposed to be, doing something that felt completely natural, that I now can’t believe I’ve let myself ignore for years.

      2. Bruce*

        That’s awesome! I took up fencing again in 2019 after being off since I was around 30, I had some challenges from a torn muscle and tendinitis but when I was feeling good it was so much fun. Then Covid happened and we moved away to a place where the closest club is a 2 hour drive in Portland. Maybe after I retire I’ll do overnight trips to fence occasionally, luckily my wife loves to visit Portland too.

    17. Banana Pyjamas*

      I’m consistently getting 36-46 mpg on my new vehicle. We traded down to cut costs, but this got me super excited about the car!

    18. Sled dog mama*

      I started counseling for my mental health. The particular counselor isn’t a great fit so I’m still looking but until I find the right fit I have someone to help.

      My boss also acknowledged that he has kind of left me hanging with much oversight or support for the last 18 months and we were able to talk through some ways to fix that.

    20. The OG Sleepless*

      I posted last weekend that I was getting my kitchen cabinets (cupboards) painted. They look…incredible. My whole kitchen looks so much brighter, cleaner, and more updated. I hadn’t even really let myself feel how much I hated the way my kitchen looked. It cost a slightly uncomfortable amount of money so I’m lining up some extra shifts over the next few months at the place we don’t talk about on weekends.

    21. RussianInTexas*

      This is a weird one, but after a lot of rain, the neighborhood pool is cool and refreshing! Usually by this time of the year it’s like the bathtub. So my last water aerobics class was bracing, in a good way.

    23. carcinization*

      I have a birthday early next week, so my husband picked up some treats at a coffee shop in the nearby town where he works (he works in the town, not for the coffee shop). The macarons were pretty good, the cinnamon roll was okay, but the carrot cake was divine!

    24. Irish Teacher.*

      I was up in Galway for the Arts Festival last weekend. Saw two really good plays, bought a ring to fidget with and got a jumper (sweater) that turned out to be half the price it was marked at.

    25. Llama face!*

      Back in January I had a tomato sprout on my fridge top. So I planted some sprouted seeds and grew a massive plant. It had to stay inside for a long time (late Saskatchewan spring) and got cut back twice because it kept growing too tall but finally I took it out to my backyard. Just recently, 3 flowers bloomed. Two were mutant flowers, conjoined-twin style. Well… one of the mutant flowers has now produced a tomato and it is growing happily! Every time I’ve checked on it this week it has been visibly larger. And all because of a tomato that I left on top of my fridge too long in winter. :D

    26. KateM*

      That was mostly last week but this Monday I was back from our week-long biking trip (400+ km)! Everybody has been saying afterwards that I was so brave even for considering it, as I am nearly 50, obese, and unfit, but I 1) proposed it 2) planned and organized it 3) and pulled it through, too!

    27. Tiny clay insects*

      I got the author copies of my novel! This is literally my lifelong dream coming true, and it’s blowing my mind.

        1. Tiny clay insects*

          Thank you! It’s a YA called Mighty Millie Novak and it comes out August 20!

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I pre-ordered for a young person who I think is going to love it! : )

    28. Forrest Rhodes*

      A very small joy: I just realized that “lolsob” doesn’t mean “laughing out loud, you s** of a b****” but rather “I’m laughing and crying at the same time.”
      Obviously, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I’ll take my joys where I can find them!

        1. carcinization*

          This reminds me that up until 10 years or so ago I thought that TFW stood for “Too F___ing Weird.”

          1. Llama face!*

            I don’t actually use/see that acronym used so I had no idea what it meant, lol. Apparently it’s “that feeling when”?

    29. the cat's ass*

      the nausea from my new meds is FINALLY getting better.
      One of my fave folks gave me an onion, peaches, and a bag of shishito peppers from her glorious garden.

    30. Trixie*

      Finally sampling Dr.Pepper Zero. I love the original, and this is a strong substitute. More importantly, finding a good mechanic in my new city to help with car issues. Someone may be getting a shiny new catalytic converter.

    31. Mobie's Mom Now*

      My sister, nephew, and niece were visiting this week! We moved away 2 1/2 years ago and this is the 3rd summer they have visited, and probably the best visit. They left this morning, but it was a good week!

    32. Girasol*

      This is going to sound funny, but I’m delighted to learn that I may have long covid. Not long after getting over covid my hips got so sore and wobbly that I could hardly walk. At my age I thought, this is it. This is old age and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ll be tottering for the rest of my life! But I just learned that one version of long covid is an arthritic inflammation of the joints starting a few weeks after getting over covid and lasting 3-5 months, the result of an uppity immune system overreacting. I can hope to be better in time to enjoy the good biking weather at the end of summer, and that makes me very happy.

      1. Another Use of the Identify Spell*

        Congratulations on getting an answer! Best wishes to you and all other LC folks for continuing good answers that lead to good treatment. Plus wisdom and inspiration to medical folks looking for improved ways to help.

    33. FACS*

      two quarts of apple butter arrived safely in Estonia (host mom loves it). we are getting to know older son’s companion for the first time and she is lovely and smart and well informed. they are in the same field, which is great

    34. GoryDetails*

      Saw a young oriole at the tiny hummingbird feeder in my front yard. There’s a full-sized oriole feeder out back (which the orioles also visit) but I gather this one was a teenager and seeking new experiences. It had to practically curl up to be able to reach the nectar-port, but it managed!

      Different wildlife: saw a lovely garter snake slithering across my driveway, from one patch of overgrown vinca to another. I do like snakes, and that was a very handsome specimen.

      Garden-wise: the self-watering planters are all lush with vegetation (hot summer here) and are starting to produce – especially the cucumbers. I have so many that I’m looking up new things to do with them. Favorite options so far include a couple of recipes from John Fladd, one for cucumber-flavored gin and another for a cucumber syrup. (Those were both meant for use in cocktails, but Fladd notes that the syrup is delicious on yogurt: “will make you smile in traffic.”)

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        *eyes the pile of cucumbers while realizing there’s a bottle of gin the house somewhere*

    35. Kyrielle*

      Seeing my in-laws and a bunch of college friends while on vacation, *and*, getting home from vacation and cuddling my cats. (The cats may or may not have experienced joy at being scooped up and cuddled, but they are glad to be back home and not boarding.)

    36. Another Use of the Identify Spell*

      Warning: food

      Unexpected free breakfast at work! The vendor who brought it apparently wasn’t aware of the much smaller in-office numbers on Friday and got a sizable quantity compared to the number of eaters. I did my best to reduce food waste ;) and then really only wanted a snack for lunch, so basically 2 free meals.

    37. Totally Anonymous*

      Actually, I had an epiphany about why I am so hard on myself about so many things….like I’m not good enough. Human imposter syndrome? I can really be hard on myself for the silliest things. I had an ok childhood – I thought, but my parents were very judgmental about just about everything, from other people, our church, our town, me, my boyfriends, my desire to go to college, my hobbies, my spouse…you get the picture. I always felt like I had to defend my choices (and they were really not that unusual; just run-of-the-mill) and do the same in my life today. The sad thing is that I am in my 60’s!!! For the first time in my life, I am going to seek out a therapist and get this issue resolved so I don’t spend the rest of my days so damn insecure about my abilities.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        That’s awesome!
        Same here. I just started an online program for getting my NPD/judgmental parents out of my head.
        Go us!

    38. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Picking my teenager up at camp with our rescue dog and both son and dog were extremely happy!

      (And rescue pup behaved himself surprisingly well!)

    40. Smol Book Wizard*

      A very cute, very chonky, very wide-eyed baby at the grocery store today, sitting in the cart in the checkout line. I love that age where they’re just Taking It All In and it’s obviously so fascinating and baffling to them.

    41. Voluptuousfire*

      The buyer for my house got the mortgage commitment, so the closing is happening soon!

      Gotta get my butt in gear and get this house cleaned out.

      Also had a lovely day Friday. Met with a friend for lunch and margaritas and met with another friend later for dinner. The latter is a new person I’m seeing, which is extremely pleasant since it’s been a long time since my last person of their ilk.

  4. RMNPgirl*

    Olympics!
    What are you looking forward to? What stories/drama are you already obsessed with?
    I’m looking forward to gymnastics and swimming. I might watch some of the surfing just because it’s in Tahiti and the surfers olympic village is a cruise ship.
    The drone drama with the Canadian soccer team has been interesting to follow.

    1. Skates*

      I’ve gotten really into powerlifting as a hobby since covid so I’m excited to watch some of that now that I’m knowledgeable enough to grasp just how HEAVY those bars are. Excited to see how the world premier of Breaking goes too!! Had a great day working from the couch with the opening ceremony on in the background.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Loved the boats-on-the-Seine parade in the opening ceremonies – and the hot-air-balloon torch cauldron.

      Favorite events: lots, from the big-ticket ones like gymnastics to the equestrian events. Sport climbing intrigues me, and I do enjoy watching the diving, especially the synchronized events. Got into some of the rowing events at the last Olympics – kayak-slalom or something like that? Always something new… Skateboarding can be fun to watch, and I like to wonder what the athletes in the 1924 Olympics would think of the modern-day skater-folk with baggy pants and dreads. Am not that into the track and field events, though high jump and pole vault can be interesting. And I’m sure there are others that I’ll get hooked on as they pop up.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      It’s nice to be in roughly the same time zone as the Olympics for once! I don’t usually watch opening ceremonies, but yesterday’s was spectacular.
      I’m really looking forward to the breaking. I hear that the kayak cross is chaotic fun too, and speed climbing is so brutal that it’s usually really entertaining. I also love watching the skateboarding and BMX. And I’m glad Steph Curry finally made it to the Olympics!

      Team GB athletes that I’ll be particularly supporting include Tom Daley in diving, Alex Yee in triathlon, Sky Brown in skateboarding, KJT (Katarina Johnson-Thompson) in heptathlon, all our BMX team, and Louis Hinchcliffe and Dina Asher-Smith in sprinting.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Sorry, that should be Louie Hinchcliffe. Apparently, I was too distracted by his incredible mullet (seriously, look it up) to get his name correct!

    4. allathian*

      Loved the opening ceremony! The broadcast director had an unenviable job, thousands of cameras. The Eiffel Tower light show was spectacular, and I loved the boats.

      I’m planning to watch some athletics and whatever other events I can catch.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I ended up watching this because my parents wanted to see it, and it was more entertaining than I expected. I loved the aerial views of the beautiful Parisian architecture and the parade of boats carrying the athletes down the Seine. The art installation of giant heads from famous French paintings sticking up above the water as the boats sailed by gave the event a delightfully bizarre vibe.

    5. The Dude Abides*

      The only event I actually care about (rugby 7s) is almost halfway over – men did pool play and QFs W/Th, the rest are on Saturday. The women start later.

      To anyone who’s never seen it, go find a replay of any game involving the Fiji men. Since it became an Olympic sport in 2016, they’ve never lost at the Olympics, and their playing style is entertaining as hell.

    6. Firebird*

      Is there a video of the opening ceremony available online? I totally forgot to watch and I can’t find a video of it.

      1. Quest Light*

        There are a few highlights videos up on YouTube – I don’t see the full thing yet but I’m sure it’ll be up there soon enough.

    7. Undone Spragg*

      Dressage drama! A video dropped a couple days ago of Britain’s golden girl Charlotte Dujardin whipping a horse during a lesson, and she immediately withdrew from the Olympics, lost her funding, has been suspended. Now there are rumors that the timing of the video is suspicious, oh look, a Dutch lawyer is involved and this increases the Dutch chances at a medal. Discussions about should we remove / how can we keep equestrian sports in the Olympics. It’s sad, of course, that there is animal abuse at the center of it but I’m strongly team remove so maybe this will help.

      1. Andromeda*

        I get raging angry about all animal abuse (of course) but harming dogs or horses is the quickest way to bypass any rational thought for me. IIRC there was another controversy about abuse in equestrian sports a few months ago, too.

        If it’s important enough that your animal does the thing that you’ll hurt it to make sure that it will, honestly just throw out the whole sport. (Greyhound racing, too. Many dogs are “retired” and abandoned far too young, and the racing instincts mess up their sweet little heads irreversibly.)

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I note that in the Discworld books, Lady Sybil Ramkin is all for a certain amount of tolerance of human-on-human crime, but touch a dragon? She’ll haul out the family thumbscrews for that.

      2. Glomarization, Esq.*

        I dunno, if she didn’t want a poorly timed video to be released by anybody, maybe she shouldn’t have abused her animal.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          I think the point is the one who released the video didn’t really care about animal abuse either since that person would have released it immediately instead of sitting on that information for years and therefore allowing more possible abuse to happen to the horses.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        I had no idea about Charlotte Dujardin’s appalling behavior until I read your post. I’m glad there was a video of it and that she’s been suspended. Whenever I see videos like this, I think about how many other horses suffered when there wasn’t a camera to record it.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      I like the gymnastics, the diving and the equestrian events (especially dressage which looks from the outside like someone trying to parallel park a horse…)

      1. TeaCoziesRUs*

        I need someone knowledgeable in dressage to teach me why it is so amazing. Yes, the horse looks like it’s dancing… and the high step is really pretty… but I don’t get it. Anyone have a good YouTube commentary I can watch do I understand what I’m looking at??? :D

        1. GoryDetails*

          Not an expert on dressage, but between riding lessons and reading and viewing I’ve realized how impressive it is that the rider’s guidance is effectively invisible – it’s supposed to look like the horse is doing it all on its own while the rider remains motionless, but there are lots of little cues involved. (I’ve also read of events in which the riders would have to swap horses to prove that the riders’ skills weren’t entirely dependent on how clever their horses were!)

          I do wonder sometimes whether some horses memorize the routines and anticipate the riders’ commands. Also, whether there might be an event in which the routines aren’t pre-planned and rehearsable but spontaneous: say, a rider gets cues via headphone or something as to the next command, so the horse has no idea what’s coming. Change gait, change lead, left turn, etc…

          1. allathian*

            I watched the dressage part of the three day event yesterday, and at least one competitor got market down because the horse anticipated the next move.

            Fun trivia, the oldest horse at the event is Wundermaske, a 21 year old gelding, who’s older in human terms than some riders. His rider is Ronald Zabala Goetchel, 57. He’s not the oldest Olympian, though, there’s at least one air rifle shooter and a Canadian rider who are 60+.

            My favorite thing about equestrian sports is that people of all ages can compete on equal terms regardless of gender because the horse does most of the work.

        2. Cordelia*

          yeah, you’ve basically got an animal doing something completely against its nature, and you can see from the Charlotte Dujardin videos how this is achieved. There’s no way that was a one-off “error of judgement” as she claims. I hope dressage will finally be banned after this, it’s not a sport it’s animal abuse.

        3. Sled dog mama*

          As a (very low level) dressage rider maybe I can offer some insight. In the US there are 6 “national” levels after that you move into the 4 international levels. There are compulsory tests at each level with some levels having multiple tests. The tests are designed to show the progression of training from very beginning all the way to what you see in the Olympics. Horse/rider pairs on the US team (and I would assume other countries) are all regularly competing at Grand Prix level which is the highest level. What you see at the Olympics and other top level competitions are freestyle routines done to music which are allowed at most levels once you have a “qualifying score” on the compulsory tests at that level
          When performed well the freestyle test demonstrates the horse’s strength and balance by showing off all the ways the horse can move. While maintaining balance and correct (optimal) use of muscles.
          A freestyle routine has certain required elements but they are arranged by the rider to best show off the individual horse’s talents.
          A really well ridden test should look like the rider is simply a passenger. In reality the rider is constantly giving the horse very subtle signals using shifts of the weight, gentle pressure from the riders legs and feet on the horse’s sides and pressure of the reins along the horse’s neck as well as gentle signals with the bit and bridle.
          I’ll see if I can post a link to one of my rides so you can see what it looks like starting out versus very high level.
          And yes there are unethical and cruel training practices out there, I don’t use them and I won’t train with anyone who does. I believe in working with and within the horse’s natural capabilities, not every horse is cut out to be a happy healthy elite athlete but they can all be happy and healthy and 99% can be happier and healthier when they have a job they enjoy.

          1. Sled dog mama*

            Here’s a video of a compulsory test from the lowest international level with commentary from a judge on what she is seeing/looking for https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M9GGZdi2mKo&pp=ygUYaG93IHRvIHJpZGUgZmVpIGRyZXNzYWdl

            And a second video of a much lower level national test (this one tells what movement is supposed to occur and how the judge scored it along with their feedback https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dcQem4UjHRU&pp=ygUgVHJhaW5pbmcgbGV2ZWwganVkZ2VzIGNvbW1lbnRhcnk%3D

            In dressage you get a written scoresheet with a score and comment on each movement plus scores and comments on certain overall points.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      I paid for a 1 month subscription to Peacock specifically to watch the Olympics. I am excited for the 3 types of gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do (I used to do TKD when I was in my 20s and it’s a cool sport), fencing, diving, archery…generally the more niche sports, honestly.

      1. Lady Danbury*

        My 9yo nephew is super into taekwondo (recently learned it’s just one word, lol) and so I’ve been to a bunch of lessons/tournaments in the last few years. He’s progressed pretty quickly, to the point that his coach is planning to take him to international tournaments next year. I didn’t realize that it’s an Olympic sport, so I’ll definitely be keeping an eye out!

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Same, I signed up just for a month to watch. I love watching gymnastics and Simone Biles is such an impressive person in addition to being an outstanding athlete.

        In college, I had a friend on the gymnastics team who specialized in the rings. How anyone can do a handstand on those things boggles the mind.

    10. carcinization*

      Most interested in: breaking, judo, synchronized swimming. Judo usually only gets shown on TV for like 5 minutes, even with cable, so I’m not sure how much of it I’ll get to see, but I’m sure I’ll get to see the other ones.

    11. TeaCoziesRUs*

      I need help from the Canadians in the crowd. We just moved here from the US and found out the hard way that YouTube TV doesn’t play well with VPN – last night’s opening ceremony was a throwback to the 90s in the worst ways. We’re probably going to cancel YTTV since it won’t work up here, so what do y’all use for streaming? Hubby is fairly crazy about sports, especially the Olympics and college football.

        1. StrayMom*

          We live very close to the border with Canada and I actually prefer CBC’s coverage to what we find on US channels. Do you know whether we can subscribe to CBC Gem in the US?

    12. GoryDetails*

      Minor grumble today: I have Xfinity cable, which is streaming loads of Olympics events and has its own Olympics-specific guide with which to set reminders, record specific episodes, etc. But the guide doesn’t always match the events that are actually airing, so right now my guide says I should be seeing the men’s skateboarding, but instead there’s women’s water polo. (I did get to see some dressage and men’s gymnastics earlier, so that’s good, but if the guide can’t be trusted I’m afraid I’ll miss some favorites.)

      1. There’s an app for that!*

        Maybe try the Paris 2024 app? It won’t help you with what is on TV channels but if you want to know what is happening at any particular time, it has the complete schedule that you can set to show either Paris time or your time zone, you can filter based on sport, country, medal events, etc.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        I know some of the actual schedule was messed up today by heavy rain, so maybe you were seeing indoor events in place of outdoor ones which had been postponed?

        1. GoryDetails*

          That could be – but I’d have expected some kind of crawl-text explaining that. Ah, well, still plenty of things to watch!

    13. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      Okay, I’m not gonna strangle my husband, but hot cheap-ass rolls…! He forgot to pay the cable bill, and we lost about eight hours of programming that otherwise would have been recorded. It’s back on, but those hours included equestrian cross-country, women’s mountain biking, women’s gymnastics elimination rounds, and women’s skateboarding — both rounds and it’s over now.

      Well, I knew I wasn’t going to get to watch *everything*. I’ll have other chances to see the pretty horsies, and I would have watched the bike race mostly on fast-forward. But I would *never* have voluntarily passed on women’s skateboarding. And Simone Biles apparently did a move that’s never been done by a woman before. Hopefully that’ll show up in the prime-time block. Grrr.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Thanks to everyone who mentioned watching on Peacock. I re-upped our subscription and it is exactly what I always wanted in Olympic coverage–full coverage of everything as it’s airing, you can go back and watch stuff afterward, knowledgeable commenters. Miles away from “45 seconds on the American for sport A, ad, travelogue, ad, 90 seconds on the American run in sport B…” that plagued coverage for so long.

  5. Not A Crisis Communicator*

    I could use some help navigating communication around tough events. When something bad happens – let’s say a bad test result, a poor pet diagnosis, something scary – it is often hard for me to deal with well-meaning communications. My instinct is to keep the bad thing a secret until it’s fully known, but many such situations involve a long period of ambiguity. I find myself managing other people’s feelings a lot, providing a lot of updates, etc etc. I know people want to be kind and I should feel fortunate they even care, but I seem to find it more stressful than the problem itself. I don’t think I’m unique in this or anything. Has anyone figured out the best way to handle it?

    1. Past Lurker*

      I’m the same way, but I’m mostly OK with it. When bad stuff happens you deal in whatever way is best for you. I know keeping silent isn’t the healthiest response sometimes, hope others chime in with advice!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I include, with whatever communication I am making about the thing, a statement to the effect of “I am telling you about (this) so that you are aware. That said – I don’t want to talk about it any further than this message, so I will assume you wish me well, but please don’t bring the subject up in any type of discussion – if I want to talk about it, I will start the conversation myself. Thank you in advance for your support.”

      1. English Rose*

        I’ve sometimes done a form of that by email. Then when you meet in person, people know. Also some wording around “I’d be really happy to talk about what’s going on with you.” gives permission for people not to be solemn.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, it’s definitely easier to do in some form of writing in advance – that way, hopefully, people can process their own feels about “BUT I WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE!” when the requested form of “support” is basically “just ignore this thing that I just told you and don’t address it at all,” because people really do get weird about that. (I have sometimes leaned right into that too. “I know this is kind of strange, and I’m sorry if that’s awkward for you, but this is truly what I need from people as I am dealing with this situation.”)

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I agree with the folks above! When I had a bad but ultimately fixable diagnosis, my family was being so up in my business about an earlier diagnosis that I just didn’t tell them about the new diagnosis until way later when all was basically resolved. I feel fine with that.

      And the family member who was ridiculously inappropriately up in my business about the old diagnosis to the point where I utterly dreaded telling her about the new diagnosis? I just cut her the hell off entirely, and I feel just fine with that too.

      I know people mean well, but sometimes, putting them on an “information diet,” as Captain Awkward says can be super handy. Life is too short for other people’s feelings and desire to tell me what THEY would do or what they think I should do to get in the way of my own problem solving. Full information is for those I can count on to support me in the way that I need.

      1. Not A Crisis Communicator*

        What I am currently struggling with is people feeling a bit – betrayed, I guess, or hurt, that I didn’t reach out / lean on them / let them help sooner and “I’m just telling them now” – which is so sweet and loving, etc., but … it’s truly not that I don’t think they’ll be there for me or that I don’t feel close to them, it’s just that I don’t need anything specific and even just one or two people being engaged is more than sufficient. But I also get the weird feeling if they realize they were yammering away about something else, not knowing what I was going through. There just doesn’t seem to be a way around it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Ooh. I got that once, and I don’t know if I’d recommend this per se, but without thinking, I said “Sorry, but I was busy focusing on what I needed and not what anybody else might prefer.” The other person was a more affronted for a minute, but then clicked that yeah, they were kind of making my problems about them and it wasn’t cool, they apologized and all was well. But I think it depends on your relationships.

        2. Scientist*

          I have been the friend who was a little hurt that another close friend didn’t tell me about some thing pretty serious they were going through, until almost the end. I have to say that is silly as it is, when they did eventually tell me the bad news, they also straight up said “i really didn’t tell anyone except —— (spouse), Because I’m super private about stuff like that.” As dumb as I recognize this is, and it shouldn’t be about me, I felt better knowing that they hadn’t been talking about it with a bunch of people and just leaving me out.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah, I remember when my mom dropped the bad news about her diagnosis, it felt really sudden because she “hadn’t wanted to worry me” with updates during the initial tests etc. so we were already well into the process by the time she shared it. I definitely remember thinking at the time that this was a lot *more* stressful (for me). However, with the benefit of more life experience I can understand now that it was probably less stressful *for her* to handle it the way she did, and why.

        3. Ellis Bell*

          I get what they’re saying, but unless they are making things about themselves all they probably mean is that you *could* have used them for support and that they personally would have needed that support. This means that they’re concerned you don’t know they are part of your team you. I’d probably go with “I know I can always lean on you, and I was. What I needed from you was our usual thing, and not to dwell on it. Please don’t worry about our closeness.” If you do want to communicate sad or negative stuff earlier I would go with “Awful thing has happened and I’m just letting you know so you aren’t surprised later. I need a massive distraction in the form of (usual activities) and to not talk about it for a while until I bring it up again. Thanks!” Just because other people need support in the form of soul wrenching discussion doesn’t mean that’s what you need or are asking for.

    4. Ellen Ripley*

      Two things that help me:

      (1) Trying to explain their statements back to them in my own words. Eg “so there isn’t a definite cause you can find, but you think it may be related to X or Y?” This helps me remember better, as well as verify with them that I understood what they said.

      (2) Not being afraid to speak up in a direct way. Keep it simple. When I don’t understand, saying “I don’t understand, can you say that again?”. When I feel like they didn’t hear me/understand what I was actually asking, ask again “That makes sense, but what I actually want to know is ….”. When they bring up two treatment options and one of them sounds better to me, saying “I would prefer to do X option.” Thinking of it as having a conversation with someone who is part of my support system/care team, rather than a Dr/patient power dynamic. We are paying for them to provide a service, after all.

      All this is easier with a good doctor, of course, so don’t hesitate to try new ones until you find someone that does listen to you.

    5. TeaCoziesRUs*

      I haven’t had feathers hit the fan in a while, but Ring Theory helped me the most. I’ll link it below this comment, but basically you have one or two trusted people that are 100% in it with you. Others who are dear to you know this and check in with the totally trusted person to get updates. The people in the next ring out can get the info from them, etc. It might feel like gossip, but at least I only had to answer to two people, then they could disseminate the latest, what we needed (if folks were kind enough to offer laundry, lawnmowers, food, etc), and collate the kind thoughts and well wishes I was too overwhelmed to deal with.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Haha I use ring theory in my own mind when I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m not sure how to ask other people to use ring theory for me. Or at least not if they’re not the inner ring. Not sure what this script would look like.

        1. AF Vet*

          For family and friends – “I appreciate you asking, but I’m trying not to hyperfocus on my health. Talking about it too much is having that effect to an unhealthy degree. Can you check in with hubby? He’ll know my status and any ways you can help as he’s taking on more of the burden of schlepping our kids around, juggling me & his job, and can use whatever help you’re willing to offer. Thanks for understanding.”

          For coworkers – “I appreciate you asking, but I’m trying not to hyperfocus on my health. Talking about it too much is having that effect to an unhealthy degree. Can you check in with *trusted work friend*? I’m keeping them in the loop, and they’ll also know any ways I could use some help.”

          Ideally, trusted work friend knows and gets on with hubby so they can coordinate. :)

          1. allathian*

            Depends a lot on the work environment and how much your work and social lives interact. In my case they’re pretty hermetically sealed. I’ve never met any of my husband’s coworkers.

            I got my first job in retail when I was 17, and that’s the only job where I’ve had the sort of work friends I hung out with outside of work and outside of company-sponsored after-work events. I didn’t even hang out much with my coworkers after work during my internship, although that was in Spain and I had roommates, so I hung out with them. It was a small company and I was the only intern.

  6. Beauty School Dropout*

    Does anyone have reccs on how best to interact with medical professionals? Maybe there’s a book or a website I should read? I’m flummoxed by my ongoing failure to get my needs met and feel heard, as well as understand the plan, when I deal with doctors or vets. I can’t figure out where the disconnect is. I was trying to advocate for a family member earlier today and it was a total failure – I feel like they tell me a bunch of things that seemed totally meaningless to me, and can’t tell me the thing I’m actually asking, like “is this fixable?” (answers could be “probably” or “it’s unlikely” but not “the effects of Y can be X, Z, EX, ZZ or YZ”) or “what will the next step be after this test, if you find X or Y” ? I do sympathize that what to you is a dire emergency is just a Wednesday to people in a walk-in clinic, plus what to them seems obvious is not obvious to me. Do other people deal with this?

    1. Feeling Feline*

      It’s one of those things where a specific answer cannot be given to a generic question, because it depends on so many factors. Including which specific organisation you went to, what subspecialty it was, and (yes sometimes) what is the current weather.

      If you want a generic answer, consider emergency medicine is like one person managing 30+ five year project managements within 4 hours concurrently. There are no one size fits all, and all details matter.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yeah, I knew it might be too vague to be helpful. I’ve just been contemplating how it seems to happen to me across so many different interactions that I think there’s a common thread … I always leave feeling – befuddled and not sure they really heard what I was saying and not having a lot of confidence in “the plan.” This happens in like, non-emergency medical appointments where I’m trying to raise something that’s been bugging me, or more recently in the urgent care when I was trying to advocate for someone else (it was a very time-sensitive thing but nobody was acting with any urgency?) but also even with my dog’s end-of-life dramas. But I mean, I have trouble getting the hairstylist not to leave me with a granny bob, it’s definitely at least partly my fault here.

        1. AF Vet*

          I tend to be (too?) direct at times, but perimenopause is playing haywire with my brain. I’ve learned I need to WRITE DOWN what I need to ask. For instance, if I have a podiatry appointment, I’ll start tracking word things happening in my feet and legs, if a treatment has helped, etc. I don’t feel afraid to ask them to dumb down their words for me – right now my brain simply can’t keep up. I’ve learned to bring things up, like my leg randomly going numb, in a way where I can ask “is this concerning based on everything else you know about my current medical state, or is this just that bodies are wonderfully weird?” I’ll do some basic research, while openly admitting the flaws of Doctor Google, so I can understand the basic courses of treatment for a known diagnosis and have a more knowledgeable discussion with my doc.

          For hair stylists, I’ll take in pictures of what I want in the style or color. (But I also in my mid 40s and found that my gray is REALLY pretty while not making me look “too old,” so now I just need trims.) I’ll show them pictures of previous haircuts and what I did or didn’t like about them. I ask friends with similar hair types and the style I want who does their hair. My husband, who gets his hair cut every two weeks, says it usually takes a barber three times to figure out his hair growth and pattern…. but that would be a year’s commitment for me. So I’ll find someone else after one meh cut.

          And I’m still mad at my car that she didn’t have the grace to pass peacefully in her sleep… which meant I had to make the hard decision for her. I still miss that furball more than I can say.

    2. Scientist*

      Experienced medical professionals are so steeped in jargon and acronyms and details, but I think they genuinely forget what things are common knowledge and what aren’t. I recommend asking them to repeat everything, taking lots of notes, asking questions, and then honestly googling it all afterwards.

      1. Reebee*

        Hard disagree on googling before, after, and at all. So much disinformation and it’ll just mess with the mind.

        1. Scientist*

          I know people say that, and googling can definitely take you down a dark, false road full of monsters that scare you needlessly. BUT – *if* someone has a reasonable ability to parse basic scientific info and/or choose good sources on the internet – then googling/the internet is a really helpful too, and I don’t think it needs to be completely avoided. I recommend googling specific things AFTER speaking to a doctor. For example, searching your specific test results (copying and pasting the language, with units, from your online portal) or condition name, and looking for results from academic journal articles, large reputable hospitals like the Mayo Clinic, or universities. For example, sometimes I get blood tests back and google them and read some basic info pages from the Mayo Clinic on why those tests are done and some idea of what my results mean. This helps me decide what questions I have for my doctor.

          1. Songbird121*

            I agree with this. If I hadn’t googled fibroids and treatments for fibroids before going to the appointment for my scan results I would have ended up with a hysterectomy the first doctor recomminstead of the myomectamy (removal of the fibroid through surgery)

          2. Songbird121*

            I agree with this. If I hadn’t googled fibroids and treatments for fibroids before going to the appointment for my scan results I would have ended up with a hysterectomy the first doctor just said was happening instead of the myomectamy (removal of the fibroid through surgery) that I got after a second opinion. Since I had never heard of fibroids, if I hadn’t done some reading I wouldn’t have known that there were other treatment options I could ask about.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          The thing is to stick to actual scientific studies and such like and avoid personal stories, blogs, youtube, news stories etc.

          In my experience, what you find online is usually both fairly reassuring and pretty close to what you hear from the doctors, if you stick to medical pages and medical studies.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            One example that comes to mind is when I had thyroid cancer and after treatment the consultant said I was at “higher risk of reccurance.” He made it sounds like reccurance was almost inevitable, just a matter of when. I googled and found out “higher risk” meant a 20% chance which still meant the odds were in favour of it not happening. I also found that a significant percentage of that 20% occur in the first 1-3 years, which wasn’t particularly reassuring then, but certainly is now, four and a half years down the line.

            Without googling, I’d probably still be thinking that the odds were that it would come back some day.

        3. But what to call me?*

          Googling the stuff on my grandma’s medical report is the only reason I was able to help her figure out what her pacemaker was supposed to do and how it helped. Going off just what the doctors said left her reasonably concluding that the surgery hadn’t even worked, because her first doctor didn’t explain what a pacemaker was supposed to do for her condition and all of the doctors and nurses she talked to after that assumed she knew that basic information and kept making comments that made no sense without that context.

        4. AF Vet*

          Ehh… if it’s taking me to the Mayo Clinic, NIH/CDC, etc., then it’s a good tool. If it’s taking me to Reddit? Potential value of anecdotes. Any other site? Meh…

    3. Part time lab tech*

      Find a General Practitioner or Nurse that’s good at translating medical jargon into colloquial speak? Easier said than done, I know.
      One thing to understand is that scientific language tends to be less absolute and more probabilities. Medical ethics also tends towards allowing patient choice.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yeah, I know part of it is just a false hope for certainty where none exists – they don’t *know* the outcome … but then there’s something going on where they don’t want to say what they think in case they’re wrong, and I get upset unnecessarily, or something? They don’t want to give false hope or false fear … but like, I get *more* anxious when I feel like I’m being “managed” and people aren’t telling me what’s really up??

        1. Filosofickle*

          It’s a real problem. Surely they don’t like to be definitive because, scientifically, very little is genuinely certain. Every body is different. But I’m also sure, as humans, they don’t like having to give bad news and aren’t as straight as they should be. In my experience lots of people want lots of hope and treatment, so they likely orient toward that. They don’t want people to panic, and many people panic.

          When you get that feeling, I recommend calling it out directly:
          – I feel like you’re not being straight
          – It sounds like there’s something you’re not telling me
          – I don’t understand what you’re saying, break this down for me
          – What are the possible outcomes?
          – And then what happens? What are my next steps?

          You may have to ask multiple times and multiple ways. It’s super hard to do this in the moment, but when you get that fuzzy anxious feeling keep pushing until you understand. It may even help to have these kinds of questions written down in a notebook so when your brain gets foggy you just have to look down.

          When my mother was in her final months, doctors were vague and kept saying things like “there’s another drug we can try” and eventually “let’s give this more time”. Afterwards my father was very upset, believing they deliberately withheld the truth about her condition or were selling additional treatments for profit. Personally, I successfully read between the vague lines and understood a lot of what was happening without being told. Some are probably hoping everyone will be like me so they never have to say the hard things.

          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            I’m so glad I read the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande many years ago! It talks exclusively about end of life care, the lack of gerontologists, how nursing homes balance autonomy and safety, and how to have the hard discussions around the end of life (i.e. what does a good life look like for a beloved elder?). I haven’t had to use it yet, but I have passed it on to do many who have.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I’ve had similar experiences to a certain degree and I think two things are relevant. The first is that I think medical professionals are sometimes deliberately vague in order to avoid either frightening people or else giving too much hope and possibly making them neglect tests.

          Like last February I had something “flagged” on a scan and I asked if this meant recurrence was likely (it was a scan following up on thyroid cancer) and just got “oh, it doesn’t necessarily mean reccurance” and “we won’t know any more until we’ve done some tests.” From googling afterwards and the reaction of the people doing the further tests (who were practically saying “once it is confirmed that nothing is wrong…) it gradually became obvious that the odds of reccurrence were quite low. The same doctor who called me and told me something had been flagged gave me the results and at that point he said, “oh, this is going to happen. When you are scanned yearly, something will show up at some point. I have a gland that always shows up in these things but it doesn’t matter for me because I don’t have a history of thryoid cancer.” But I guess he didn’t want to say at the time that “this is a common issue and very likely harmless but we need to check it out because on rare occasions it can indicate recurrence,” both in case I wouldn’t bother getting the test then and/or in case I did turn out to be one of those rare cases and complained him or something.

          The other reason is not specific to medical professionals. I am getting the impression that a lot of people hear any question about things like medical stuff as really meaning “reassure me.” I got responses like that (not from medical professionals, just from random people) even in the early days of covid when I’d say something like, “hey, did you know X was a risk factor for covid deaths?” Often people would respond with something like, “oh, do you have that?” or “who has that?” or “oh, you don’t need to worry about that. It’s pretty rare,” when I just meant “that’s interesting. I wouldn’t have thought X would be particularly relevant to covid. I wonder why it’s a risk factor.”

          I even read a comment once online – don’t know how true it is – that a lot of people don’t actually care too much about the facts. They just want to be reassured or encouraged (this was in relation to things like “carrot are good for eyesight”; that people don’t care if that’s true or not, they just want the encouragement to eat more vegetables) and I think medical professionals, being human, hear these questions the same way many people do, as meaning “reassure me.”

          I’m with you. I don’t find that reassuring. That kind of avoiding the issue always makes me feel like it must be bad or why aren’t they telling me? I’ve started to worry less as I’ve been following a cancer forum and the nurses tend to tell people, “it could be something else other than cancer,” when I know from my own research the odds of cancer are less than 10%. To me, “could be something else”/”not necessarily cancer” means “this generally means cancer but there are some other options so it’s not 100%,”.

          I do think part of it is covering themselves as some people – older people in particular – take what doctors say as 100% and would therefore think that if a doctor says this could be cancer that meant they had been diagnosed with cancer. My grandmother used to complain “these doctors know nothing. They sent my niece for tests for breast cancer and it turned out she didn’t have it at all, so why did they think she had it?”

          1. Beauty School Dropout*

            these are great points and really hitting at the crux of my issue. And maybe sometimes I really *am* mostly seeking reassurance and then getting extra wound up when they won’t give it to me, which is at least something I can control from my end.

            1. LizB*

              I’ve found that when I’d like reassurance and am getting wishy-washy answers, it’s helpful to me to ask what I should look for that would mean things aren’t going well. I ask things like, “If the IV did start to have problems, what symptoms would I see and what should I do about them?” – so I have a really clear understanding of what it looks like if the bad outcome is happening and when I would definitely need to ask for help or seek care.

    4. Sparkle Llama*

      Not sure if this helps with your particular problem but I find it helpful to prep my partner for Dr appointments by going through the “questions your doctor may ask” on the Mayo Clinic website for whatever the suspected issue is. That way he can think about the answers in a less stressful environment.

      You could also write down questions you often have and regret not asking and bring it with you future appointments for reference. I think it can be nice to ask what the next steps would be if the proposed plan doesn’t work or caused side effects and what should I call about vs what should wait for the follow up appt.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Oh thank you I will check Mayo for those questions. I am often flummoxed by the questions and that puts me off the thing I wanted to get across.

        1. Magdalena*

          Just FYI the link didn’t work for me but I googled “nih gov talking to your doctor worksheets” and it was the first search result.

    5. Generic Name*

      I had had a minor in-office procedure and the doctor was rattling off a list of aftercare stuff for home. She was going fast and I couldn’t keep track of everything she said, so I asked if there was a written document with all that stuff on there, and she handed me a sheet. Much easier to follow. So asking for a written plan would help. You can also ask your doctor to define a term or repeat themselves if you’re not tracking what they’re saying. If you leave feeling confused, maybe you could ask for another appointment to go over stuff again?

    6. ronda*

      I did once tell a doctor, I dont know what you mean by that, and she got me more printed details on it. So depending on what it is that might work.

      But many things in medicine are…. it usually works this way, but other stuff could happen instead, so they kind of waffle about it a bit I think. (ie.. not a good answer to “is this fixable”).

      and after my recent surgery, I had a couple questions on the drain they put in. (teaching you about it when you have just come out of sedation might not be the best timing :). ) I called the nurse for that group and she answered the questions. They did provide good printed materials, I just found some stuff unclear.

    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      First, explain the problem (the symptoms you are having that are bringing you to the office) and what you’d like to see as a result (“my stomach has been hurting for 6 months and I want to know why and want it to stop”), and any concerns (I’m worried it might be cancer; what could be the causes of this). In a SOAP format, this is the Subjective – your symptoms. O is the Objective – signs the doctor finds (temperature, tenderness, etc.). A is their assessment – what they think the problem is (after running thru a differential diagnosis – what other things they’ve considered). Then they make a Plan – what action(s) to take. Next, if you don’t understand what they are telling you, ask them to repeat it/write it down/explain it, and if you want more info or they don’t answer what you are asking, REPEAT. Ask what outcome you should expect from whatever the Plan is (such as condition should resolve after 2 weeks of medication). Ask about possible adverse effects of any treatment, and under what conditions you should return (if meds don’t help after 2 weeks, etc.). It really helps if you have a doctor/team that will communicate via secure email, so if you have further questions you can message them in detail and they are a bit more likely to answer what you asked v what they thought they heard.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      The problem on their end with the first question might be that medical people don’t/can’t commit to concrete answers for changing medical issues, especially if complicated drug interactions or tests are involved. That’s why to them, “The effects of…” are the answers because it depends on so many factors.

      It’s okay to say so! “I understand there’s lots of things that can change, but from our current perspective, what do you think is the more likely outcome?”

    9. AnonRN*

      A couple of thoughts:
      1) An emergency setting is rarely going to be the place you get *the* answer. The focus in an emergency room is ruling out *really* emergent things first and then…maybe…figuring out what might be the problem or at least who you should probably see about it. I mean, if you come in with an obviously broken ankle then it’s pretty clear what the problem is! And they might set it right there in the emergency room but then likely they will refer you to an orthopedic surgeon to work out the definitive treatment. And a lot of things people come into the ER with aren’t so cut and dry…”it comes and goes” “mostly after I eat” “it feels like pressure more than pain” etc so the ER’s focus is trying to rule out anything deadly (is this a heart attack or reflux?) but they might well say “we don’t think this is a heart attack and we think you should see a GI specialist.” Honestly, even your primary care doctor might say that! Doctors around me always want to refer me to a specialist for any focused issue, but it means you leave the appointment *without* an answer or even a diagnosis…just another appointment somewhere else. I’m in the field & I get it but it’s a plodding process, especially if you’re in pain.

      2) “Is this fixable?” When you ask this I see doctors (I mostly work with surgeons) doing two things. First, they don’t want to over-commit and promise that it’s 100% fixable because you could be that one patient who has an intractable complication. But second, they almost never want to say “no, I’m sorry, I can’t fix this.” Maybe it’s because they’re surgeons? They’re eternally optimistic. But I work on an ICU and a patient can have a truly devastating picture and the surgeon will explain how the surgery might help one specific part of the patient because there is, technically, a chance that the surgery would help. It’s really hard for families to parse out sometimes because they’re being told that the overall picture is bad but there’s this glimmer of hope. Sometimes asking “what would happen if we did nothing?” will get you a more candid answer in a critical situation. I respect the doctors, don’t get me wrong! But they are trained to couch everything with some amount of grey area because there is always some grey area.

      3)Some general questions that *might* help are things like “how long does it typically take people to X after this procedure?” (where X is normal/baseline activity for you). “I hear you are proposing Y for my problem of Z. How will we know if Z is getting better after Y? More labs/imaging? At what interval?” “If we do Y, what do I need to do to prepare?” (some procedures you would need appointments for heart monitoring or labs prior to the procedure, others you might need to take or stop a medication, or modify your diet/activity/caffeine/nicotine intake.) It sounds like you’re already trying some of these, so you might need to drill them down on specific words or terms.

      4) For serious conditions, try asking your nurse. (probably not an option at an outpatient walk-in). As a nurse I can’t *interpret* your test results (the doctor has to do that) but I might be able to give you an explanation of *why* they’re doing the test, or I can explain/print out information about medications the doctors order. Some hospital systems have nurse navigators for serious conditions (like through their cancer center or heart failure center) for exactly this reason.

        1. Healthcare Worker*

          Also, many insurance companies offer a nurse navigator as a benefit. You might check to see if yours does, as they can help you navigate the situation.

        2. fposte*

          Sometimes also asking “What happens to most people with this?” or “What do most people usually do now?” can at least give you an idea of what the main road looks like even if it’s not your route.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I recommend bringing a notebook (or notes on your phone) where you have written down all your symptoms and the standard type of things practitioners tend to ask, like when did it start or when did you first notice it, how severe is it or does it limit you from regular activity, have you changed anything in your lifestyle or habits lately, etc.

      Then write down all the questions you plan to ask.

      During the appointment, tell them you made notes so you don’t forget anything, and keep referring back to it. Also write down what they tell you.

      This will force you to slow down a bit, not just nod and go along with what they say. And then you will have time to say, “wait, what does that mean?” or “How will I know if the treatment working?” or “Are there any warning signs that I should call you about?” and so forth.

    11. Wedge-tailed Eagle*

      All good advice so far. You could also try reflecting back to them what you do understand (and if you really don’t understand just take your best guess)

      ‘So what you’re saying is, you’re not sure why I keep sneezing glitter and rainbows, but I could have a unicorn living in my nose, so you’re going to use an enchanted mirror to look inside my nose, and if there is a unicorn up there, you will remove it using sunbeams and fairy dust, and then give me a magic potion to stop it happening again?’

      ‘If you look in my nose and there’s no unicorn in there, you don’t know what’s causing it, so I’d either have to see a specialist or learn to live with the glitter, right?’

      Even if you’re way off, it’ll show them that *they* need to be communicating better. Whether they take the hint or not is another matter. And you can always ask for a minute to process – I know doctors are busy, but if I had a unicorn up my nose it’d take a minute to wrap my head around that before I’d know if I had any questions or could truly grasp the implications of that.

      (my mum literally said to her oncologist ‘my immune system doesn’t have enough weapons, so this medicine is giving them more weapons to fight the bad guys?’ – lol)

      1. Shiny Penny*

        “my mum literally said to her oncologist ‘my immune system doesn’t have enough weapons, so this medicine is giving them more weapons to fight the bad guys?”

        I totally do this! I restate my understanding of the doctor’s summary, but in the simplest terms imaginable. (Especially when I’m helping my Mom at urgent care, and trying to facilitate clarity for us both.)
        I usually use some version of, “So you can’t tell us exactly why her stomach hurts, but you’ve done the 3 big tests now to rule out the top 3 worst-case causes. The next most likely problems are not life threatening, are really unpleasant to test for, AND are not really treatable here… So basically, there are no monsters in the closet here tonight, and we should follow up with her gastroenterologist, and use more OTC remedies?”

        I really feel it helps if *I* am the one to offer a super simplified summary. If I have it “right enough,” then I can increase the complexity of my questions again, as needed for additional clarification. But for us it helps if I go “maximally simple” first, to check our overall understanding of the big picture.

      2. Grits McGee*

        I’ll second this- my job involves getting people to explain complex government programs to me.* This technique is really really helpful for the explainer to calibrate how much jargon to use and how much they need to simplify, while also letting me know that I’m actively listening and invested in making sure I understand what they’re saying.

        *The amount of data and calculations that go into deciding what the federal government pays for milk is astonishing

    12. Morning Reading*

      I have sometimes requested to record the visit with my phone so that I can review later what was said and not have to take notes. Also bring a friend to take notes. It doesn’t help the interaction at the time but it helps me to retain the information. I always ask first and tell them the recording is for me only and I will delete after reviewing.

    13. Anonici*

      I understand some limitations to absolutes but it feels like some guidance is helpful/necessary at times. I went with my elderly parent to a regular appointment for macular degeneration. I asked the doctor if it was still safe for my parent to drive based on current vision. He responded that he couldn’t answer as it depended on a variety of factor and I should be in the car when they drive to observe. I clarified that I am asking based on current vision only. He refused to answer.
      It’s really frustrating.

    14. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      As other people have said, bringing information with you–symptoms if relevant, and a list of current medications–and taking notes at the appointment are both useful.

      At a walk-in clinic, I’d be asking “What should I do right now?” and “Should I follow up with my regular doctor?”

      With my primary care doctor, or a specialist, I sometimes send questions through MyChart, like “how soon should I notice an effect from this drug?” or “is there anything else I need to do right now?”

      Another useful question is for any sort of medical test they want to do: Will the results of this test make any difference to my treatment? Usually that gets me something like “if it’s negative, you don’t need an antibiotic,” but occasionally they realize it won’t, and I can be spared a bit of discomfort and/or expense.

    15. Meh*

      Medical professionals are never going to give you certainty, for 2 reasons. The first is that there is always some uncertainty. The other is that in the US at least there is huge fear of malpractice suits.

      That being said, in an ideal world all docs would spend the time to explain and answer questions to your satisfaction. This doesn’t happen either because as others have said “time constraints” and “forget that not everyone speaks medicalese”. And there ARE some jerks who truly should be allowed to interact with other humans, never mind care for them (few but not 0, and more if you are a minority)

      In the end you will need to do your own research and be your own advocate. Healthcare has becomes so compartmentalized and docs under so much pressure to keep up with ‘productivity’ that it really impacts pt experience and often the actual quality of care.

      Keep a piece of paper than has important medical history and insist that the doc make it part of your chart. Keep copies of all your labs, imaging, etc results. If you ask nicely during the visit, you can often get it for free – if you go back a few days later for it, they often charge.

    16. Girasol*

      I had good luck the other day when someone was giving me an ambiguous “depends on this and this and this…” sort of answer. So I asked, “If your mother was in this situation and she asked you that question, what would you tell her?” Suddenly the answer became much clearer.

      1. Anonymous cat*

        On a lighter note with this—

        I was talking to a doctor younger than me and I asked a similar question. She started to answer “if you were my mo—sister! I would still say (answer).”

        It cracked me up that she switched so quickly to a younger relative!
        And then I followed her advice.

    17. SofiaDeo*

      If you or family members/pets have recurring problems or a chronic condition, the more you can learn about the basics and whatever tests/labwork involved with the diagnosis, the better. The more knowledgeable you become, the better. Not only will you know what questions to ask, you will generally get better answers if they get the feeling you are more knowledgable.

      For example, I have CLL. While the White Blood Count is something routinely measured during blood tests, it’s certain subset white cells that are important and need to be monitored. The WBC overall could stay the same over time, but certain subsets might become dangerously low with others increasing, making it appear nothing has changed. So knowing the WBC isn’t used, and instead asking questions about the subsets, gives a better answer.

      Decades ago, some healthcare professionals had and took the time to educate/explain things. That may not happen nowadays. But if you know the specific type questions to ask, you often will get a lengthier, more detailed answer.

    18. anxiousGrad*

      One thing is that you might not be getting good answers to questions like “is this fixable?” because they genuinely don’t have a good answer for you.

      I have found that I’ve had much more successful appointments since I’ve adopted the following strategy: 1) write down all of my questions beforehand (I keep a running notes tab of questions for my doctor so that I can add questions throughout the year as I have symptoms, not just right before the appointment, because I tend to downplay the severity of my symptoms if I’m not experiencing them at the moment that I’m making my list of questions); 2) write down the doctor’s answers during the appointment; 3) repeat back to the doctor all of the instructions they gave me at the end of the appointment to make sure I understand (this is a new one I added in after I found out by a text from CVS that my doctor wanted me to take a medication, but he didn’t even mention the medication in the appointment). I usually write the questions and answers in my phone, so I just make sure to tell the doctor that so they don’t think I’m being rude by looking at my phone during the appointment.

    19. Anonymous cat*

      Seconding or thirding the advice to have a written list! It helps me focus so much! I put it in my phone and update it between appointments.

      Also when I leave, I sit down in the waiting room and write down the answers to all my questions plus any new info or changes to meds.
      If the question comes up again, I have it to check.

      Also for a general suggestion, keep an up to date list of meds in your wallet or on your phone. Offices are so delighted when I pull out my phone and start comparing my list to their records.
      I generally know what I’m taking but need to check dosages.

    20. Nightengale*

      I often have difficulty getting my questions answered and concerns addressed – and I’m a doctor myself!

      Doctors take classes in communicating with people but the classes often are so scripted that they aren’t helpful with real patients. And a lot of health providers don’t have very much being experience with being patients with chronic concerns so they don’t “feel” what they would want in the same situation. It’s a mess.

      Anyone ordering a test should be able to tell you what the next step is if the test does or doesn’t show something. If you don’t get an answer, you could ask more specifically – would it likely be more tests? A referral to a specialist? A medication or procedure? (if you are asking a general person like in an urgent care or primary care, they may not know what the treatment might be but they should know which specialist would know that answer and how to get you to that specialist)

      One thought with “fixable” – you might want to ask this more specifically. Do you mean, a short course of medication or procedure that makes the problem go away completely? A medication that treats symptoms but needs to be taken indefinitely? Medication or physical therapy that can make pain decrease but doesn’t address the underlying problem? Different problems fit into different categories.

      Also you definitely have the right to have medical jargon including diagnoses, tests, etc explained to you to your satisfaction. It can help to paraphrase your understanding back to them so they have a place to start. Otherwise they may either shove more jargon at you or give such general platitudes there is no answer buried in there. I can’t give certainties – EVER – but I can give a general time frame of how long a treatment takes to work or the percent of people who usually have a specific side effect from medications I typically prescribe.

      I will leave you with the most spectacular example of poor physician communication I have ever witnessed. Patient was in the hospital and recovering from surgery. We came through on rounds. The patient asked what seemed to be a very straightforward question, “can I go home today?”

      The doctor answered – on his way out the door – “we need to optimize every physiologic parameter.”

      (One of the junior doctors on the team reassured the patient that he would talk to the surgeon and return with an actual answer, and did so.)

  7. Leggings???*

    I’m looking for leggings that:
    a) have pockets
    b) aren’t see through when you bend over
    c) are size inclusive and will fit well on my size 16-18 body and
    d) are mid calf length

    I use them primarily for my workouts. Any suggestions? Thanks!

    1. Blue wall*

      I got some great ones that fit those markers from LIVI, Lane Bryant’s active wear brand.

      1. Name J*

        The LIVI soft are some of the most comfortable leggings I’ve ever owned. Highly recommend.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m size 18 and really like Old Navy’s athletic leggings. There are some with a more jersey knit texture that I wear as normal pants and then the shiny spandex style for working out. Some don’t have pockets, some are a small “hidden” pocket in the waistband, and some have a larger size/thigh pocket.

    3. Alex*

      I’m a size 20-ish and my favorite leggings that hit all those marks are actually victoria’s secret size xxl. One really great feature is that there is an internal drawstring that you can tie (if you like) so they don’t slip down as you are working out. They also are just really flattering–they hold everything in! I probably would never have tried them except I found them in a thrift shop.

      Old navy has tons of different options–lengths, fabrics, pocket configurations, sizes…they have it all. I like the high waisted ones because they are less likely to slide down (as you can tell, I’m constantly having issues with my leggings sliding down as I’m working out!)

    4. BikeWalkBarb*

      Universal Standard has a fantastic size range. Everything I’ve gotten from them has been as described for fabric and fit and they have pockets in pants, workout leggings, and bike shorts (without the padding of real cycling shorts, super handy). Lots of their dresses have pockets, too, if you’re ever in the market for those.

    5. One of the many librarians*

      Snag has comfortable, size-inclusive leggings but I’m not sure if the Short sizes are as short as you want. Two pockets, not see- through at all.

    7. Andromeda*

      My girlfriend gifted me some Fabletics ones that hit all of your criteria except:
      – they are ankle length (they do sell capris)
      – the company that sells them is a bit dodgy

      I reckon if you look on Depop, Poshmark etc you’ll be able to find some second hand though. I actually think the sports bra I have is also from there, also thrifted.

    8. Leggings*

      I love the LIVIs, too, but they are usually out of my price range. I bought the NEW YOUNG 3 pack plus size of leggings from Amazon. My usual size is a 16, and the long ones fit perfectly, the capris are a little big. All sturdy, soft, with pockets and have held up to many washings. Between $30-35 for a pack of three.

    9. RussianInTexas*

      I just received these from Amazon, they got all your points, and like them. Despite what the name say, they aren’t super compressing or tight, I don’t like that. I am size 18-20 and XXL fit.
      IUGA High Waist Yoga Pants with Pockets, Leggings for Women Tummy Control, Workout Leggings for Women 4 Way Stretch

    10. Voldemort’s cousin*

      I love Skechers leggings. I’m a size 14 and they really pull my waist in and don’t budge.

    11. Vanessa*

      I ordered some from 32 degrees (I think I had seen it at Costco and then went to the website). Cheap and great. Perfect thickness. Good pockets. Nice texture. The waist doesn’t roll down (I wear sz 12) And about $10 pair.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        +1 for Torrid.

        They have regular leggings that have pockets and capri length and don’t show your undies if you bend over. Those are regular legginfs, not workout ones. You’d probably be a size 1 or 2, depending on your measurements.

    13. Spacewoman Spiff*

      If you’re game to spend a little $$, Oiselle might be a good fit. I think they only have a couple 3/4 leggings though. They aren’t cheap, but I’ve found their workout gear is MUCH better than any other brand, I pretty much exclusively wear them now. And it’s run by women!

    15. TeaCoziesRUs*

      Target has some excellent ones! (I have 8 pairs in black and 2 in Navy that are basically old school yoga pants with bootcut flair… they’re basically my uniform.)

      Also I like the capris from JCPenney’s xersion line.

      Both of my recommendations hold my phone/wallet combo, a pair of clunky keys, earbuds, etc.

      1. TeaCoziesRUs*

        Oh yeah, I’m a size 20 Tall – I love Target because they’re actually LONG enough!

  8. Peanut Hamper*

    Questions about Linux? Ask me anything!

    Linux occasionally comes up in this weekend thread, so I thought I would give anyone who is Linux-curious a chance to ask questions. I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I’ll try to log on a lot this weekend and answer any questions people have. (FWIW, I’ve been using Linux for about 15 years, mostly Ubuntu, but also Mint, Cinnamon, Kubuntu, and Linux Lite.)

    Also, if you have experience with Linux, please feel free to jump in. The Linux universe is huge, and everybody’s experience is unique. I would love to hear from other AAMers how they use Linux.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Hahaha that was my exact thought but I was too shy to speak up. I think it’s … an operating system? So it’s like Windows or whatever apple computers run on. But open source, which is probably … great, for people several leagues above my level of understanding.

        1. grumpy*

          Yes, Linux is a computer operating system, like Windows or MacOS. I’ve been using linux for about 30 years. One advantage it has over the others (less so Mac, because of the history of OSX) is that you can do almost everything by only typing (no mousing). Looking for a file? can find it by typing alone. you can search through every file in your computer for ones that contain the phrase “trees are blue” only by typing. This is good, because moving your hands/arms/wrists around can contribute to repetitive strain injury – whereas you can position your hands correctly over a keyboard and *never* have to move them. So, some people really like Linux as an operating system because they want to control their computer experience(*), and others (like me) like it because it’s far less injurious to my hands.

          (*) I liken this to: once you’re a good sewist, and can make perfectly fitting clothes, you never want to go back to off-the-rack, because why would you want to wear something that’s somewhat uncomfortable. It’s like that, but for computer operating systems.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        It’s an operating system like Windows or MacOS, but open source and usually free (there are a few exceptions), which means that anyone can see the source code. As for why that’s important, look up the XYZ hack (I’ll post a link in the reply) – this almost destroyed the internet if it hadn’t been caught when it was. Admittedly the hack shows the weak points of open source software, but it also shows it’s strength.

        Like windows it can also be used on servers, but it can also be used on a normal PC for everyday use. I, for example, run Linux on a gaming PC and it works fine. There’s even Linux distributions that are made to closely resemble Windows or MacOS, though they tend to be much more efficient (Windows especially is a storage space hog). As a bonus, many Linux distros can run on older hardware, and a few distros are even specifically made to run on old hardware.

    2. Linux Hopeful*

      Oh, this is great timing! I’ll be building a new desktop computer in a few weeks, and I want to move from Windows to Linux. What version would you recommend for someone who is fairly computer-savvy but doesn’t want to spend a bunch of time fiddling with things? I have a bit of experience with Ubuntu but that was years ago. Thank you!

      1. David*

        Nice, good luck! Well, Ubuntu or one of its derivatives (e.g. Kubuntu, if you want a look and feel that’s a bit closer to Windows) is probably good to start with. I think it’s still the most popular Linux distribution or close to it, in large part because it does give a relatively smooth user experience where you don’t have to spend a bunch of time fiddling with things to get it to work. It’s not really that big a deal though, because switching from one Linux distribution to another is much more straightforward than switching between Windows and Linux, so you’re not going to be locked in.

        Just make sure to do a bit of research on the hardware you’re getting for your new computer to see if there are known Linux compatibility problems, because that’s where a lot of the fiddling comes from. If you haven’t chosen your hardware yet and you want to be extra safe, you can look out for components that specifically say they work on Linux, or (maybe better yet) where the reviews mention that they work on Linux. I find the reviews on Newegg are pretty good for this.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        Ubuntu and derivatives are definitely a good choice, though you may want to look into whether or not your components have proprietary drivers (like an Nvidia video card for example). I know PopOS offers a version of their OS which already has the Nvidia drivers baked in because it’s a distro recommended for gaming, but it should be doable on most Linux distros to get the right drivers.

      3. o_gal*

        And here us a tip for those who don’t know. It is pronounced with a short I sound, like pin. Not pine. Created by a guy named Linus Torvalds, again with a short I, not like Peanuts character Linus. I remember when he posted to Usenet that he had this OS he wanted people to try out.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Are there common programs that can’t be installed with linux? I know Libre Office is an alternative for Microsoft, but do programs like qgis, autocad, adobe photo suite work with it?

      It certainly sounds like a system worth trying because I’m getting real sick of Microsoft and I’m not expecting anything better from Apple. On the other hand i only have one laptop and i don’t want to try converting it to a linux system and end up bricking it…

      1. Anima*

        Adobe definitely does not play with Linux – that’s the only reason I use Windows for work.
        Krita has become a Photoshop- replacement, tough, in my opinion at least.
        I don’t know about autocad and Co, though…

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I just found out that Krita will also do 2D animation.

          I also use GIMP for editing photographs.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        Dual booting is an option, if your laptop has the storage space. Basically you install both Windows and Linux next to one another and pick which one you need. Alternatively, there’s the option of using virtual machines.

        Another option is Wine (and Steam’s Proton which is a fork of Wine) to help run Windows programs, though I’m not sure how well the programs you mention run on Wine. What Wine basically does is form a translation layer between the software and your OS so you can use Windows programs on Linux, though it can be fiddly to ge things to work.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Wine Is Not an Emulator — the name is a recursive acronym.

          Most emulators try to simulate a Windows system call. What Wine does is figure out what kind of system call the Windows software is asking for and throws it to an equivalent Linux system call. I’ve never used it before, but I’ve heard that some Windows programs can actually run better under Wine than they do in Windows. I keep meaning to try this out.

          1. Undergarment nerd*

            I can’t complain about Wine, so far everything I’ve tried works perfectly well.

            I’d also recommend getting Winetricks – it’s a helper script for Wine to download redistributable runtime libraries that may be necessary to get things to work.

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        A lot of Linux distributions will let you start up from a disk or jump drive, so that you can test out the operating system before installing it. That’s a good way to take it for a test drive before fulling committing to it.

      4. Lady Alys*

        QGIS definitely works (I have installed on my PopOS laptop); not sure about AutoCAD, and as for Adobe, there are replacement apps like the GIMP, Inkscape, Scribus, etc.

    4. Anima*

      Did you know you can play most games on Linux using Steam and Proton? It’s pretty neat!
      (For context, my household is a Linux-only household exempt for my work PC, which is windows. Husband is using Linux since forever, I’m on Linux (Ubuntu) since about 6 years. I’m not very knowledgeable, but I can do the basics and get help from hubby when I run into bigger problems.)

      1. Undergarment nerd*

        And for users of other game stores, Lutris and the Heroic Games Launcher can also be interesting to look into.

    5. A Book about Metals*

      I will always have a spot in my heart for Ubuntu, as it was the philosophy that carried the Celtics to their 2008 title run

    6. GoryDetails*

      Slight digression here, but it does feature a riff on some unusual uses for Linux: there’s a very amusing book by Lucy A. Snyder called Installing Linux on a Dead Badger and Other Oddities, featuring necromancy and technology – and, yes, installing Linux on a dead badger (or other animals in the same family, though “an adapter may be required”), complete with minimum installation requirements, OS versions, etc.

  9. Lala*

    yes, constantly, and I’ll be reading with interest.
    Though I’m inclined to just say it is both a lack of time and bad medicine.
    I saw a medical professional this week and even though it was uncomfortable, I was open and truthful with her (which I really, really try hard to be with all the medical people I see). But she didn’t believe me, even though she was nice about it.
    Someone told me later that medical professionals are told to always think people lie to them.
    I mean, I sort of understand. But also think it can be a source of issues, like this disconnect.

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      Ah you are responding to my comment above I think!! Yes to lack of time, definitely – they are pressed, they have a lot of cases that are probably at least as urgent as mine, etc. But I often find them to be kind and seemingly competent people who seem to genuinely want to help, and yet – (not to say you don’t just get a bad one sometimes, or that they don’t become jaded over time, as you say).

    2. Healthcare Worker*

      I’m a medical professional, and I can assure you we have been taught to be honest and open with our clients. We may not have the answers, though, which can be frustrating to the recipient.

      1. Healthcare Worker*

        Oh, I misread the comment! No, I don’t automatically assume clients are lying to me, but I do consider they may not be fully telling me the whole story. That may be due to embarrassment or not recognizing the importance of seemingly small details. Good follow up questions are important.

    3. Me... Just Me (as always)*

      I’m a medical provider and I’ve never heard anyone suggest that. I assume my patients are telling me their truth, through their eyes, which might be a little different than what is actually happening. It’s my job to figure out how to positively impact their situation. Sometimes (often) there aren’t clear cut ways to do things. I work in Neurology.

      1. Nightengale*

        House was a terrible representation of medicine but I do think Dr House’s catchphrase “everyone lies” does reflect a widespread belief in medicine. For example, “patient admits” and “patient denies” are commonly used in reports to describe symptoms. It would be one thing to say “denies” when it is something like “despite a test positive for cocaine, Mr Such and Such denies cocaine use” but it is for things like “patient denies chest pain.” I think that language both reflects – and perpetuates – the idea that patients often lie. Which is why I have gone through EHR checklists and removed any admit/deny language, as well as referring to people as “patient” rather than with names or pronouns.

        I had a ridiculous interaction with a coworker the other day. I’m a doctor and she is support staff. The parent had made an appointment for one of her children in the morning of a specific date. A few weeks later, a cancellation spot opened up later on that same date and the parent got an automatic text message offering it for the sibling. I had suspected the parent had accepted the second visit without immediately realizing it was the same day but 3 hours later – that they had just checked they didn’t have anything else scheduled at that exact time. I asked the staff to reach out to the family and see if they wanted to bring both children in together rather than make 2 separate trips in one day.

        The support staff member felt that the parent HAD to have known because the parent had access to the patient portal. I asked the parent if she had realized they were the same day and she said no, not when she had accepted the appointment, only later on. The other staff member continued to – not believe that – with an undercurrent of how naïve I must be that I did.

  10. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I haven’t gotten a ton of gaming in this week but am looking forward to some Final Fantasy 9 this weekend. Also, I’ve been listening to a fun podcast (Canada by Night) where people are playing Vampire the Masquerade. Not convinced that I want to play VtM now but I’m loving listening to other people playing it!

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I need to look for that podcast.

      I miss gaming with other people IRL, although I never did a lot of it. Does anyone know if there’s an online equivalent that is basically the modern version of correspondence chess? I could really get into that at this point.

      1. Shiara*

        Absolutely! More details depends on what sort of gaming you’re interested in. For general board games there’s Board Game Arena, or Tabletop Simulator on steam.

        For ttrpgs, there’s a wide range of options and places to find ways to game online. Some forums (like paizo’s community forums) and discord communities offer play by post for asynchronous play, or roll20 is one of several platforms for remote play.

      2. Andromeda*

        I played a lot of online Scrabble over the pandemic — there’s a nice site that lets you play in real time, but zero voice chat and limited text.

      3. Jackalope*

        The podcast is by a group called Dumbdumbs and Dice. They do a wide range of games including the aforementioned VtM, D&D, Warhammer, a Star Wars game, and more. As the name suggests they are a humor podcast, but not the stupid slapstick I originally feared. Canada by Night, for example, has a lot of funny moments, but also has actual characters and something of a through line (Although I’ve gotten a long ways into it and so that line has changed a lot, meandered, etc.). Would recommend. I started listening because I wanted to get a feel for VtM and didn’t have any friends who were interested, so I thought I’d listen to others playing and see if I wanted to go to the work of finding an online group or something.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I tried a VR headset for the first time this week (not in a gaming setting), and I loved it. It was so cool. Now I want one — I want to play games in VR environments!

      Not any Silent Hill, though; too scary lol.

    4. Amory Blaine*

      Playing Sushi Go (party version) with my 5 year old! She has an amazing memory for each card’s rules and loves making our own menus. She beat me for the first time this week and I was so proud of her!!

    5. Aneurin*

      I Kickstarted the Cascadia dice games (Rolling Rivers and Rolling Hills) a while back and they arrived this week! Looking forward to playing those soon.

      This weekend, I’m hoping to start playing my (also Kickstarted) copy of Koriko: A Magical Year, a solo journaling TTRPG where you play a teenaged witch going to a new city for a year. One of the creator’s inspirations was Studio Ghibli (especially Kiki’s Delivery Service) and it looks lovely and gentle and meditative.

    6. English Rose*

      The new Sims4 expansion pack – Lovestruck – just dropped and I had a lot of fun with that yesterday evening.

    7. Undergarment nerd*

      I’ve been obsessed with Cult of the Lamb lately. Having followers Ascend when you don’t have the Belief in Afterlife Doctrine sure is an experience.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Last weekend I finally beat my friend in Ark Nova. My board game group is super tough, and it’s a tough game, and I am inordinately proud of myself.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      I recently moved to the city where most of my friends live, and it’s opened up the chance for me to play games with people in person.

      Last night I played Magic, Commander format, with a few people and today I’m playing Warhammer Age of Sigmar with a different group of people! It’s amazing to have a social circle again!

      I also decided to give Tears of the Kingdom another shot. I tried it when it first came out and struggled with the changes from BotW, especially the weapon degradation and the puzzles. I’m getting the hang of it now, but I still prefer BotW.

    10. Margali Claire*

      We snagged a free copy of Wingspan! I really enjoy playing it, but we’re still pretty new to it so game play takes a while. Still one of the prettiest games I’ve ever played.

    11. Potatohead*

      Saturdays are board gaming day at my local store. There’s always a Ticket to Ride or Power Grid going, frequently a Wyrmspan being set up, and I’m always happy to be getting in on a game of Clank! Sadly I can’t find anyone else who likes Galaxy Trucker, so that one ends up sitting in my closet at home. I could go on for paragraphs listing all the different games I’ve seen…

    12. Nicki Name*

      Enjoying Cat in the Box, which just got added to BGA. It’s like bridge but you get to decide what cards are in your hand after they’ve been dealt.

  11. Peanut Hamper*

    There are some very vivid descriptions of sandwiches

    Okay, now that’s a book I have to read.

      2. Hazel*

        In case you don’t know, Catherine Newman is a long term blogger who not surprisingly writes about food and family a lot. She is now ‘Crone Sandwich’ on Substack but her old blog with loads of recipes is BenandBirdy. I haven’t read the book yet but her online writing is just beautiful.

  12. Sneedo*

    I just want to thank Alison for all the advice she’s given us over the years. I’ve personally used the scripts she’s provided to talk my way out of getting fired on at least two occasions. I work for a small family-owned business so a lot of the stuff about HR departments and DEI doesn’t really apply in my situation but I enjoy reading Alison’s responses anyway.

    Thanks again for all the great advice!

    1. Sloanicota*

      Aw, I agree. And I can’t believe the volume of content and moderation, even when there’s obviously stuff going on in her own life and we’re yammering away in the comments accidentally causing drama.

      2. Isabel Archer*

        Speaking of which, Alison, are you able to share how is your mom doing with her cancer treatment? Please forgive me if this question is an overstep. I posted in March about how I’d just quit my job with nothing lined up, and was going to spend the following 3 months recovering from burnout. Two weeks into that, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s been…as awful as it sounds.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Oh no, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I hope you’re doing OK. I know you are probably not.

          My mom is … well, she’d probably say she’s doing OK, although the new treatment we’d hoped would work is not working, and they are suggesting either more chemo or a clinical trial. She is exhausted by two straight years of intensive medical stuff (and the chemo sounds like it would only get her a few extra months, on average, versus doing nothing — and she’d feel crappy for much of it). So she is considering declining further treatment, but is still thinking about her options.

          She didn’t expect to get this much time so that’s at least been an unexpected gift. Because she’s not currently on any treatment, she’s not dealing with side effects of anything for the first time in a while, so she actually feels pretty good, although we are acutely aware that that could change at any time.

          She’s having something called fairy hair put in soon, which I guess is sparkly strands woven into your real hair? She’s excited about that. She sent me some selfies of herself grinning widely while standing over her pre-purchased cemetery plot? In that respect, she is exactly the same as ever.

          1. English Rose*

            Alison and Isabel, so sorry to hear about both your Moms.
            I lost mine over 20 years ago but have such amazing memories. Alison, your mom sounds a bit like mine – straightforward and gutsy. She would so have been into fairy hair!

          2. Isabel Archer*

            Thank you. I’m definitely not OK, and now I have to start job searching, which as everyone on AAM knows is soul-destroying in the best of circumstances.

            Thank you so much for the update on your mom! She sounds like an amazing combo of plucky and pragmatic (literal LOL over the pic of the gravesite, like it was a new car or something), and still joyful despite the cancer treatment side effects. Whatever she decides about continuing treatment, I’m glad you got this “extra” time together, and wish your family the best.

          4. FACS*

            If I may, there is a wonderful book called “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It is a deeply thoughtful book about the conversations physicians think they are having vs the ones they actually are.

          6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Thinking good thoughts for you and your Mom, Alison, and for you as well, Isabel.

            And best of luck with the job search, Isabel!

    2. Magdalena*

      Yes, this site is such a treasure and I’m so grateful to Alison not just for the main content but for creating a site culture that sparks thoughtful engagement.
      I do not think it’s a coincidence that this site happens to have such insightful and respectful commentariat.
      Also it’s become my main source of reading inspiration.

    3. the cat's ass*

      Agreed, this blog, Alison, and the commentariat have been an absolute godsend for me both in and out of work. I’m so grateful, and appreciate the update about your mom, as well!

    4. AGD*

      This blog got me through a years-long surprise stint among Evil Bees without questioning myself. I never lost sight of which way was up, and I think that would have happened almost automatically otherwise. I weathered the storm, stayed out of the way of most of the really bad stuff, and even stepped in to help out a few others who were in the crossfire. I’m very thankful!

    5. Anonymous cat*

      I agree! And it’s such practical, straightforward advice that we can use!

      I’ve also learned a lot about general employment practices and laws that haven’t come up for me personally, but I’d never been taught them.

      I also think this site is a good resource for young people new to the workforce. So many questions about appropriate behavior in the workplace (for both employees AND employers) that might not be covered in school workshops.

      I’m including everything from whether a boss can withhold your paycheck for illegal reasons to whether it’s okay for someone to call you after midnight to give them a ride when you’re definitely not employed as a driver!

      (That last one—it might be legal but it’s NOT okay. And it turned out the guy’s credit card was maxed out so he had many issues and was not employed there much longer.)

  13. Feeling Feline*

    I would love to have some book recommendations please!

    Genre of preference: Mystery, horror, thrillers. Only scifi I like are where the science are solid. Short stories are fine too.

    Strong preference: A book emphasis on treating the story as a puzzle. Ones that want the reader to solve the puzzle, giving the readers all the clues and tools at first half of the book, and strong intetnal logic. If it’s set in a supernatural/scifi verse, the plot need to make sense within the verse, and is a complete mystery that can be solved based on the information given. Think classic Agatha Christie.

    Like: UK/Australia based writers. Love: International writers from a non-Anglo background.

    Prefer to avoid: Anything too US culturally specific, historical Anglo settings older than 1800s, the detective’s personal life takes over the actual story, Tolkien style fantasy.

    Hard no: any romance, even as a minor subplot. Cats harmed.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      The Appeal by Hallett. Mystery set in a quaint English village, and the body doesn’t drop until halfway through. Told through epistles–mostly emails–that actually read like emails, so it’s more people’s feelings about the events than “Dear Mom, Here is an hour-by-hour telling of the events of my day” that can plague the genre. Set as a puzzle to two law associates(?) where the senior lawyer wants them to pull out clues to cast reasonable doubt as to the assumed killer.

      If I can recommend something I haven’t read, Tade Thompson does some horror with The Murders of Molly Southbourne, which I have skipped as I don’t like horror. But I really liked the sci fi stories of his I read.

      Have you read The Martian? It’s the hardest of sci fi, and all around solving a string of problems.

      1. AGD*

        Seconding The Martian. And maybe Project Hail Mary, which is a bit of a puzzle and very science-y.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I was also going to recommend The Deacagon House Murders! Total Agatha Christie vibes!

      3. Feeling Feline*

        I’m making a start on The Appeal, and it’s already absolutely hooking me in. Thank you.

    2. Mitchell Hundred*

      The only one that comes to mind for me is “The Islanders” by Christopher Priest. He was a UK-based writer who wrote the novel that the movie “The Prestige” was based on. The book is classified as sci-fi, but really it’s more like a hidden story (disguised as a travel guide) set on a different planet at roughly the same level of technological development as our own. It’s very non-linear, and at one point Priest seems to be telling his readers to approach the text in ways that are different from the way he’s presenting it to the reader.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Oh wait, I just remembered that a couple of the chapters are short stories that include romance in the plot. Disregard, I guess.

    4. Nicki Name*

      Something I’m reading right now that might fit the bill: Ovidia Yu’s Crown Colony series. Murder mysteries set in 1930s-1940s Singapore, and so far (book 4) the main character has had zero interest in romance.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Poop, I really want to recommend Sara Gran’s Claire Dewitt novels, but they are very US specific. They are extremely terrific, though!

    6. Six Feldspar*

      Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty starts with a puzzle and I don’t remember any romance, it’s been a couple of years since I read it though.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        It did have a romance subplot, but it wasn’t obstructive to the main story so it’s still a pretty enjoyable read.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        The September House is good, and while set in US, it never gave me the vibe that people who are not from US exist solely as diversity props, hence I loved it. I don’t mind things set in US, it’s a specific subtype that’s becoming far too common for my liking.

    8. Atheist Nun*

      Have you read any mystery novels by Japanese authors? I have read a few books from Pushkin Press’s Japanese crime series, and I feel they are structured almost as mathematical problems. You are presented with various clues, and the solution is a logic puzzle. I found they were not to my taste: too analytical without the level of character development and social commentary that I enjoy in fiction. But perhaps you will like them? I read Murder in the Crooked House by Soji Shimada and The Decagon House Murders by Yukito Ayatsuji. Another book in this vein is Silent Parade by Keigo Higashino (not Pushkin Press).

      In general, I wonder if a locked room mystery would appeal to you?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I read Murder in the Crooked House as well and agree it would fit the criteria: I had a helluva time sorting the characters due the lack of development, but the puzzle was well built, as I recall.

      2. Feeling Feline*

        When I wrote this post, I was exactly thinking ほん‐かく/本格 subgenre, which unfortunately isn’t quite a subgenre in English yet. Keigo Higashino can be too armchair sociologist for my liking, but I sure love the more mathematical ones.

    9. I strive to Excel*

      This one might be a stretch but:

      The Five Red Herrings, by Dorothy Sayer.

      Classic murder mystery. The background behind it is that a bunch of reviewers were irritated that she had included an increasingly significant amount of viewpoint from a female character in her prior books, and that she was introducing a romantic subplot. So she gave them all the Five Red Herrings, which is a pure detective mystery novel. It plays by “the rule” of giving the reader the same kind of information as is being given to the characters so you can solve along with it.

    10. Retired Accountant*

      Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, if you haven’t already read it. The Rules of Detective Fiction are explicit in the plot. And it’s funny.

      1. Maria*

        I just finished this and was going to suggest it too!

        For OP: It’s written by an Australian author and set in Australia.

      2. Feeling Feline*

        I loved that book. The sequel unfortunately overstayed its welcome, but the original was incredibly fun.

    12. Tiny clay insects*

      (haven’t read the comments yet, so I may not be the first person to say this–if so,take it as further proof you should read it)

      Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson. It’s a thriller, it’s a solvable puzzle, it’s Australian, I can’t recommend it highly enough. and it has a fun sequel, too!

    14. RagingADHD*

      You know, as a writer I underestimated the significance of cats’ wellbeing in a detective story. In one of my books, the killer accidentally poisoned a cat instead of the intended victim. My intent in the story was to evoke sympathy and reinforce that the villain was very evil.

      People got *way* more upset about the cat than I expected. I probably should have killed off another human side character instead.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        It’s very context-dependent. I’m not from Anglo background, I found with non-Anglo cultures, cats are just cats and dogs are just dogs, and there tend to be minimal other implications. Anglo culture can have this odd culture gendered metaphor with dogs=men cats=women, and people really let their misogyny out based on how much they like to fantasise about hurting cats. The most interesting example was a book I loved, written by a professional dog rescuer. The book was about gendered violence and misogyny, and she intentionally included a particular graphic death of a dog, because as a dog rescuer she recognised that men will be shocked by dogs being harmed, while are entirely ok with women being murdered. And this was the only way to get to the men readers.

        I even loved a Japanese book where a nest of cats were killed, because the culture context made it very clear that it was not a subconscious wish of harming women. It also helped that the Big Bad was killed by the only kitten left over.

  14. Morning Dew*

    Do you have a favorite bag of chips that you can eat a lot of in one sitting?
    Mine is Sun Chips original. What’s yours?

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Oh my god, yes to anything Marmite! I haven’t had it in ages because it’s so expensive in the States.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Welp. Let’s just say there’s reasons I buy chips in single serving bags. :-P

      Plain Ruffles, if I also have a tub of Dean’s French onion dip. Puff-style Cheetos. Original nacho cheese Doritos.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol, can relate! If I get a favorite onion dip (Axelrod’s or Bernea Farms, if they still make that in Michigan), I can eat a ton of lower-salt Ruffles. I buy in single-serving bags if I can too.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I am not very good at being conscious of what I eat, I just nibble while doing other stuff until I realize I’m out of food. I know it’s a bit wasteful, between packaging and the not-cost-effectiveness, but single serving packets are why my pants still fit.

          1. Lala*

            I tell myself that my health is expensive too and I’ve learned to buy that stuff pretty much without a qualm. Though my grocery expenses really are outrageous.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Another plain-Ruffles fan here. (Though for me any size bag is a single serving, so there’s that…) My French onion dip of choice is the Lipton’s-soup-mix-and-sour-cream kind.

      3. Forrest Rhodes*

        For some reason, it’s been years since I’ve been able to find the low-salt Ruffles in my major Western city—much disappointment!
        The low-salt part is a benefit, but those chips were much less fragile than the regular Ruffles and never seemed to break off in the dip! (Hardly a major problem, I know, but I still miss the low-salt variety.)

    3. anon24*

      Salt and vinegar kettle cooked chips. Hated them my whole life and now I’m addicted.

      Also, Fritos, but I haven’t eaten them in a long time.

    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      Crunchy Cheetos! My nephew taught me that you can eat them with chopsticks so you don’t get orange fingers. So no one will ever know I ate the whole bag, ha ha.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I like how your nephew thinks! I’ve also been using chopsticks just to avoid “orange finger syndrome” and it works like a charm!

      2. Amory Blaine*

        Oh my gosh. Best life hack ever. I once set a day aside for finalizing paperwork, and for some reason brought cheetos and pomegranate seeds for snacks… there was a lot of reprinting!! If only I had had chopsticks and a spoon!

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I tried these “chickpea veggie crisps” one time and they are so good. Not greasy like most chips but very satisfying in the salt+crunch area, and I eat too many of them because I can pretend they’re healthy lol. I was so disappointed when my grocery store stopped selling them.

    8. Peanut Hamper*

      In the Before Times, Aldi had a lentil chip that was simply amazing. I managed to get it twice and then they stopped offering it. hashtag #bummed hashtag #aldiwhyyougottobethisway?

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      I remember reading an article years ago about how Frito-Lay delivery drivers would sometimes have a bag of Fritos and a can of Frito-Lay bean dip for lunch. The article was very much “oh, look at this curious thing these blue-collar workers do” and “oh my, wouldn’t it be great to be able to do this every day?”

      Meanwhile, I was just like “wait, you mean that’s not normal lunch behavior?”

    10. Feeling Feline*

      As long as it’s kettle, yes. I like the flavour of potato, and I like the texture. Everything else don’t matter to me.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      CHEESE PUFFS 4-EVA.

      I don’t mean Cheetos, but the big fat puffy puffs. Love ’em.

    15. The Dude Abides*

      My wife has to be careful, or she’ll go through an entire can of regular Pringles in one go.

    16. Sitting Pretty*

      Barbara’s Cheese Puffs, original flavor. They’re blue cheese and white cheddar flavored. similar to a crunchy Cheeto but less greasy and more tangy. A friend turned me on to themast year and now I can’t get enough! It’s good that the local grocery doesn’t carry them and I have to make a special trip to Mom’s or Whole Foods for them, otherwise it would be cheesy puffs 3 meals a day!

    17. Alex*

      I can only pick just one? I can do a lot of damage to pretty much any bag of chips! That’s why I try not to buy them often….

      I also love Sun Chips but my fave is the Salsa flavor.
      Those “veggie sticks” that they market as being healthy. I freakin love those. And no they are not healthy!
      And of course, classic nacho cheese doritos!

      I think those would be my top three.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Heh, reminds me of that bit from American Dad:

        “Did you get the chips?…They’re Sun Chips. They’re better for you than regular chips. OH, no they are NOT.”

    19. Elizabeth West*

      Sun Chips are good. I like:
      Cheetos puffs.
      Munchos.
      Funyuns.
      The small can of Pringles sour cream and onion flavor.
      Tortilla chips with cheese dip (I can eat an entire plate of these without batting an eye). I don’t like Doritos; I get Santitas brand at the grocery store because they’re cheaper.
      When I’m in the UK, I like Hula Hoops, Walkers cheese and onion crisps, and there are these little tiny crisps that look like pieces of bacon that I ADORE. I think they’re called Frazzies or Frazzles or something.

    20. RagingADHD*

      Terra Chips. I love the original, but I discovered this week that they have come out with a no-salt-added version of “Sweets and Beets.” Delicious!

    23. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I cannot be trusted around paprika Pringles (regular ones are a huge temptation too). We rarely ever have crisps in the house, but if I get offered them, say at the cinema or at a party, all bets are off!

    24. NeonFireworks*

      Salt and vinegar Hula Hoops. The original flavour is way too salty but these ones are perfect.

      I both resent and appreciate that they only come in single serving bags!

    26. Buni*

      The Rosemary & Sea Salt Kettle Chips. I can also basically one-shot a tube of plain Pringles.

    27. Turtle Dove*

      I can’t be near a particular chili-lime tortilla chip (Hacienda brand in Detroit) without losing control. The spice blend is amazing!

      I also get excited about super strong and zingy salt-and-vinegar potato chips, but those are hard to find. Route 11 does a nice job.

    30. Boggle*

      Reminds me of a funny story, a guy I was dating told me about a challenge he was doing to with friends to only eat *one* Lays potato chip from a big bag. He ate the one, then he had to physically leave his friend’s house so he would not eat any more!

      I love the plain kettle potato chips, that crunch is killer.

    32. Water Everywhere*

      Ruffles au Gratin (cheese-flavour, for those who aren’t familiar). For extra temptation I’ll sometimes get a bag of those and a bag of Ruffles BBQ and mix some of each together in a bowl.

    33. Kay*

      Torres – mediterranean herb. With bubbles. Thankfully I can only get them in single serving bags. I think the mental weight of eating more than 2 bags has saved me.

    34. Camelid coordinator*

      Smart food. No matter what size the bag is, it is a single serving. I’ve learned to stay away from the larger bags.

    35. Generic Name*

      I mean there was the time when I was 7 and me and my best friend ate an entire bag of generic cheese puffs. Not store brand, the white bag with the black lettering, circa 1988. I threw up orange.

    36. ampersand*

      Tortilla chips. Preferably On the Border brand, but really any tortilla chips will do.

  15. Mitchell Hundred*

    Recently I was reminded (won’t say by what) of something that happened to me in highschool French class. I was going through some exercises, and asked a classmate who knew more vocabulary than me what the word “lequel” meant. She responded “Which one”, and I responded “#5”, thinking that she was asking me which question the word appeared in. It took a few rounds of both of us repeating those exact words before I caught on that she was in fact telling me what that word meant and not asking for clarification.

    All of this is to say: if anybody else can think of a situation where, through the weirdness of language, they organically recreated “Who’s On First” I would be greatly reassured to hear about it.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I just this week had the “left?” “Right.” “Oh, right, okay.” “No, no, left!” drama *again.* Honestly it was not wise of us in English to have an affirmation and a direction be the same word!

      1. Pine Tree*

        This is why I always say “Correct” when giving the affirmative for directions.

      2. LGP*

        Not exactly the same, but this reminds me of a great scene from the movie Clue!

        Col. Mustard: “Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else [in the house] or isn’t there, yes or no?”
        Wadsworth: “Umm…no.”
        Col. Mustard: “No there is, or no there isn’t?!”
        Wadsworth: “Yes.”

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I’ve seen this happen enough times that I don’t even remember the details of each situation. It happens at least once every 3-4 years.

    3. 2e asteroid*

      Mine was also in French class. I had a classmate named Hui. Which led to the following (roughly translated) dialogue on the first day of class:

      Teacher: What’s your name?
      Hui: Yes.
      Teacher: No, what’s your name?
      Hui: Yes.

      Repeat ad infinitum…

      1. InkyFingers*

        Okey Ndibe tells a similar story in his delightful book, Never Look an American in the Eye. His first name is pronounced “okay,” not “o-key,” so you can see where that went!

    4. Who's On First?*

      Friend A was married to Friend B. Friend A excitedly told me that Friend C, who was very close to both of them, was “going to marry us.” Friend A then excitedly talked about the upcoming ceremony (“which wouldn’t be a legal one”) and celebration. I was a bit surprised and said that I knew they were all close but didn’t realize they were this close, and I wished the three of them much happiness together. Friend A looked at me in confusion, and then burst out laughing. Turns out Friends A and B had converted to a different religion, in which Friend C was an ordained leader, and Friend C was going to bless Friends A and B’s marriage in that religion. After our (mis)conversation, Friend A worded the news to others much more carefully!

    5. grumpy*

      In a similar vein, my mother was a french-as-a-second-language teacher, and whenever a kid would ask what does “je ne sais pas” mean, my mum would answer “I don’t know” in a deadpan way, and the kids never caught on. Some kids would even harass her for not knowing her own native language – she’d often try to keep a straight face through that.

    6. Anonymous cat*

      I was visiting a college campus that had both a science library and a separate library for the library science students. Unfortunately NOT near each other!

      So it took a few rounds of “Science Library” or “Library Science building” to get there!

    7. RagingADHD*

      I happened to watch a presentation this week that included a slide referencing the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which was designed by Frank Gehry.

      The presenter didn’t actually mention the center out loud. It was just a visual with notes, and a call out box helpfully noted that “Stata” is pronounced like “data.”

      1. allathian*

        Very helpful (/s) because “data” can be pronounced in various ways depending on the accent, the most common I’ve heard are “day-tah” and “dah-tah”.

    8. Lexi Vipond*

      There’s the old story of Prince Albert asking a highlander what was in their broth.
      “Well, there’s mutton intilt, and barley intilt, and peas intilt…”
      “Yes, but what’s ‘intilt’?” asks the prince, not realising it’s just a local pronunciation of ‘in[to] it’, and thinking it’s a special ingredient.
      “Well, there’s mutton intilt, and barley intilt, and peas intilt…”

    10. Atheist Nun*

      My friend, whose first name is something like Yvonne (it starts with a “y”), told me that when she was a kid, an adult in an authoritative role (maybe a teacher or a nurse?) asked her for her name to complete an intake form:
      “What’s your last name?”
      “[Yvonne’s last name]”
      “OK, and what’s your first initial?”
      “Y”
      “I need to know for this form, that’s why. What’s your first initial?”
      “Y”
      “I just told you why. What’s your first initial?”
      “Y!”
      “Don’t get fresh with me! What’s your first initial?”

      Finally her mom had to jump in and say, “Her name begins with Y!”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mom’s middle name is Kay and when I was wee I had a round of being mad that I was asking for her middle name and she was only saying her middle initial. “I NEED THE WHOLE THING.” “THAT IS THE WHOLE THING.”

    11. KeinName*

      In my company, there works a person whose surname is Hey. And it’s common to pick up the phone saying just your last name. Very unfortunate this must be for them. A colleague told me recently she had to do some quick thinking in order not to just say Hey! back but introduce herself.

      1. KeinName*

        And slightly related: my mother and me used to have the same doctor, whose receptionist was an old friend of my mothers. My mother‘s name is Marie. Her friend the receptionist’s name is Iris. Unbeknownst to me they switched out the receptionist, replacing her with a person who has the exact same telephone voice as Iris, and the same name as my mother. So I call the doctor’s office. The new woman picks up and says ‚Marie‘. I say ‚No, KeinName‘ (I.e. me). Confusion ensues.

    12. Meh*

      In my culture and language the literal translation of “who are you” is less of an introduction of the person and more of a genealogy. Having been born and raised in a different country, I could speak the language, but missed out on some of those nuances. I had been introduced to one of my parents friends by my mom as daughter (obviously). My brother came by to chat a while later and as we were chatting the friend comes back and asks me who he is. “He’s my brother” “ok, but who is he ?” “um, my younger brother [name]’. “Hi, name,who are you”. At this point, my brother, whose comprehension and speaking ability aren’t great, looks at me for help. “He’s my direct brother !”. “Yes, but whose son is he ?”. “At which point, I give up and say – whoever’s daughter I am, that’s whose son he is”. “Oh !”

    13. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      When explaining certain pronunciation foibles, my Spanish teacher would often explain they were there “for sound reasons.” Leaving me always thinking “I’m glad the reasons are sound, but what ARE they?” Eventually I realized he meant, “for reasons related to sound!”

    14. Irish Teacher.*

      Not me, but at our Christmas party last year, we were pulling crackers and a colleague got this puzzle and was like “oh, I’m supposed to make a poison fish” and then started showing us all her “poison fish,” until one of the French teachers leaned over to look at the instructions and pointed out it wasn’t “poison”; it was “poisson,” the French word for “fish.”

    15. Jackie*

      Spanish 1 final in college. It was a four credit class, which I hadn’t realized. I selected it as an elective.
      Despite growing up in South Florida, I was THE ONLY ONE who had not taken Spanish in high school. I didn’t even know how to pronounce the alphabet. Each exam consisted of the test, a speech, and an essay. I worked really hard despite my ADHD. I fought hard for my A. But somehow, I missed something…

      Sometimes, late at night, when I can’t sleep, I still think about the final exam In that panic I felt when I read the directions and I didn’t know what they meant: “¿Como se dice:”. I kept asking la profesora over and over again in the silent classroom, she kept replying “how do you say?”, which I thought was broken English for “say that again”

  16. House cleaning*

    How much time per week do you spend on house cleaning? Not asking about the thoroughness or the details of the acts performed, but specifically the total hours involved.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Excluding dishes and laundry, in case anyone else was wondering.
          I have a dishwasher and the amount of time loading it is sort of negligible. If I regularly handwashed dishes I’d include that, but I don’t. Laundry’s not negligible, but in my head that’s a separate thing from housecleaning.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      4 to 6 hours per week, for a large house, plus about an hour of dishes/kitchen cleaning each day. Most of that is putting things away, the actual vacuuming/dusting/wiping takes around 2 hours per week, usually spread out.
      Infrequent jobs, like window cleaning or carpet scrubbing, add a few hours per month here and there.

    4. Rain*

      We have a cleaner come in for 2 hours a week, and beyond that I’d say about 8 hours between my husband & I. (Not quite as 50/50 as I’d like but that’s a different post.)

    9. Atheist Nun*

      I live in a one bedroom apartment (one human, one cat to give you an idea of the amount of dirt/dust/clutter we generate) and do my home cleaning all on one day. I spend 2 hours on standard weekly cleaning, which includes decluttering, light dusting, vacuuming rugs and floors, cleaning surfaces/bathroom, and washing kitchen and bathroom floor. I spend an additional 1 hour if I also wash the wood floors, which happens once a quarter. And maybe an additional 1/2 hour every other week on more intensive dusting/surface cleaning.

      I spend 2 hours on laundry, which I do once a week, and maybe 30 minutes daily (I have a dishwasher so it is just loading/unloading and some hand washing) on dishes.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Dishes and laundry don’t fall under house cleaning to me, they clock as separate chores. So by my definition, a couple hours a week unless we’re having company and I’m being more thorough, plus the robot vacuum does 4 15-20 minute passes a week after I’ve gone to bed. I do not dust enough and I don’t remember the last time I washed a window. :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine is also mostly like, 3-5 minute increments. After I posted the above, I emptied the dishwasher, wiped down the kitchen counters, and put away some stuff that got left out, plus dust-busting a corner that Emile the Roomba apparently missed, straightening a rug that he knocked askew, and putting the dog pillows back down on the floor (I pick them up on his scheduled living room nights and put them back down in the morning), and all of that took like 4 minutes. As the other Jay says below, a lot of my “house cleaning” time is mostly spent in relocating small objects :)

        My husband does all our laundry – his home office is right next to the laundry, so he just switches it out as he’s doing his thing, and then each of us takes care of our own clothes once they’re laundered (I dunno about him but I totally live out of the basket until it gets hard to find underwear in there, then I fold what’s left and put it away and take him a load of dirty laundry to start over). I fold kitchen towels and put them away, which again takes like 5 minutes every couple weeks, and each of us lumps our bathroom towels and bedsheets in with our regular laundry. (Not necessarily the same loads as the regular laundry, but mine will be one basket and his will be a different.)

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Two of us, no pets. Roomba does the downstairs three times a week and the kitchen every night. Paid housecleaner spends about four hours every week. We spend an hour or two on laundry (active time – the laundry obviously takes longer) each week and at least an hour a day dealing with the kitchen, not counting cooking time. I spend about an hour a week total tidying (or, as a friend says, relocating small objects).

    12. RussianInTexas*

      Just cleaning up, not counting routine dishes, after dinner clean up, and laundry – around 2. I got fluffy cats, and need to defuzz things.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        After dinner clean up usually takes no longer than half an hour or so, usually less. We don’t do super involved using many pot and pans weeknight dinners.

    13. Miss Buttons*

      About 2 hours per week for a 3-bedroom, 2 bath house. Does not include laundry or meal prep/cleanup. Includes dusting, vacuuming, thorough bathroom cleaning, all kitchen surfaces, mopping kitchen & bathroom floors.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      About five. Maybe more. We have a cat and a dog and my husband is wonderful, but not very neat. ;)

    15. Figgie*

      We have two cats and spend about 90 minutes a day on general clean-up and vacuuming of cat litter and cat hair, cleaning up after eating and other daily stuff. On Fridays we do a thorough cleaning (bathroom, wash and change all of the bedding, dusting and doing things like cleaning the mirrors, descaling the electric kettle and wiping out the microwave). That takes about 4 hours for the two of us, mostly because my spouse insists on scrubbing all of the flooring in the house with the electric floor scrubber. :-) The laundry gets done while we are doing the general clean-up, so I don’t really count that as cleaning time.

      We have a two bedroom, one bathroom house.

      I also count down the weeks until we leave for our apartment in Mexico that comes with a cleaning woman. Vicky cleans the very small one bedroom apartment the way that I spring clean. Every bit of furniture comes out and is cleaned behind, everything is scrubbed including the floor and bathroom and everything is thoroughly dusted and the windows are washed. It takes her a bit over 4 hours to do it all and she cleans better than we ever could. :-)

      When people ask me what I miss most about Mexico, I tell them the people and then add that I also really, really, REALLY miss Vicky, as I have 7 months when I don’t have to clean anything.

    16. Rosyglasses*

      Probably will depend on size of home. We have 3 adults and 3 pets in an 1800 sq ft house that we spend the bulk of our time in probably 2/3rds of it.

      My son handles vacuuming, some dusting, changes out the cat litter boxes (2) a couple of times a week, most of the dishes, and some dinner preparation (and his own laundry and tragically less often bathroom cleaning). I’d say he rushes through alot of it and probably only spends about 4-5 hrs a week (including nightly dishes, excluding dinner).

      My husband does most of the outdoor things, so rarely does house cleaning, but does his own laundry.

      I will regularly dust, declutter/straighten, wash windows, wipe down surfaces (probably 90% of daily cleaning for me), mop, clean our bathroom, clean out and wipe down the fridge weekly-ish, unload the dishwasher, and prep the other meals. I probably spend about 3-4 hrs conservatively.

    17. Bibliovore*

      This got me going yesterday-
      Cleaned the kitchen and washed the floor- 45 minutes.
      Vacuumed upstairs. 10 minutes-
      Cleaned two bathrooms- 15 minutes each.

    18. Not Totally Subclinical*

      Maybe a half hour a week, enough to keep my toilet clean, do non-thorough sweeping and dusting, and wipe the grunge off the rangetop. This doesn’t count dishes or laundry.

      It is definitely not a thorough clean, but the major issue in my home environment is clutter rather than cleanliness.

    19. TeaCoziesRUs*

      We’re a family of 4 (9&11 year olds) in roughly 3k square feet. I have hired housekeepers in the past, and it took them 3-4 hours. It usually took us all evening off the day before, and me going full speed on the day of to declutter enough for the housekeeper to do her bit. We still have too much stuff… and aren’t that great about cleaning up any area other than the kitchen consistently.

      If we don’t have a housekeeper, it took all 4 of us roughly 3 hours each to do our fair share, including stripping beds and tossing the floor clutter on beds so I could vacuum. (me – our bedroom & bathroom, then vacuuming up and downstairs, 9 – other bathrooms, 11 – dusting and living room, hubby – kitchen).

  17. Rebecca*

    Something happened in the last 10+ years where I forgot how to find new music? The radio seems to play the same songs over and over and I’ve fallen into a pattern of playing the same three albums on repeat. I just started an Apple Music account so I can start discovering new music. Any tips on how to find music (it feels strangely overwhelming) or recommendations on (newish) albums you love?

    1. Clara Bowe*

      Weirdly, I can speak on this a little. I really fell off on music around 2015 and really got back into it recently. I have found a few good tips.

      1. Go borrow/stream new to you stuff from favorite artists or artists you’ve heard of but never checked out. Several bands I liked a few songs of a decade ago have released new stuff in the interim, so I poked around those and found some fun stuff! (Shout out to The Kills’ last two albums.)

      2. I poke around the best/worst of music critic lists year by year. They usually include a short clip, and then I go listen to those songs to see if they are good for me. I have hated stuff on Best lists and loved stuff on Hated lists, but those YT videos are helpful to poke around what is available and popular.

      3. Throw on a playlist/station with a fave band on your streaming service. It isn’t always effective for me, but I have found some interesting stuff on occasion.

      I don’t have any new album recommendations, but a handful of new-to-me’s are: Hozier’s three albums. “Trouble” by Natalia Kills. “30mg+” by Cruel Youth. “Ash & Ice” by The Kills. “Gaslighter” by The Chicks. “Drinking From A Salt Pond” by Run River North.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      The All Songs Considered podcast is great for this. Every so often when I get into a music rut I’ll listen to a few episodes and some excellent new (to me) bands get added into my rotation.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Yes- this has helped me find a lot of good music. Also Christian Finnegan has a newsletter called Music for Olds that has some fun stuff. He does a paid and a free version.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Another podcast recommendation – Song Exploder. Short interviews with artists explaining how one of their songs was made, with the full song played at the end.

      I started by picking the episodes on songs or artists I already knew and loved, and ended up enjoying them even more (shout out to the Aimee Mann, Sharon Van Etten, Franz Ferdinand and Sparks episodes. Also the Phoenix one! I’m now 100% sold on one of the very few songs by them that I didn’t like).

      Then I branched out to artists I knew a little of . This started an entire Phoebe Bridgers phase, and also got songs by Waxahatchee, Lucy Dacus, Mitski, Christine and the Queens and Courtney Barnett on my regular playlists.

      I now try to choose episodes on artists I never listened to that sound interesting. And sometimes end up really falling for the songs (Slowdive, Perfume Genius, Aurora, Iron & Wine, Glass Animals – all discovered this way). Highly recommended for getting out of your rut :)

    4. allathian*

      My favorite feature on Spotify is the artist radio. You pick an artist you like and get to listen to similar but probably new to you artists. I’ve found a few new favorites that way.

      1. Ochre*

        Spotify did a terrible job with this for me but YouTube has helped me find some new stuff. If I type in an artist name it will make a “MyMix” playlist with that artist and others. YMMV, but it’s free (with ads) to try it!

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          YouTube and Pandora for the win, honestly. You search an artist or song you know you like, and it creates a station. The station changes based on what you thumb up or thin down. Pandora can be tricky for artists that had phases. I tried to make a Patty Loveless station when I found her Mountain Soul album, but got Honky Tonk Angel vibes instead.

          Your Mix on YouTube consistently gets a good mix, even when you want multiple styles, just look up a couple songs if your list is unbalanced and it will recalibrate.

    7. Jackalope*

      My top rec for this involves Spotify, but I bet other music programs like Pandora have something similar. Here’s what I did: I looked something up that I thought sounded interesting. People make all sorts of mixes that they share on Spotify, so I found a few mixes that were what I was looking for. Then the algorithm worked in my favor; Spotify looked up similar lists for me until now I have something like 150 hours of that style of music, as well as some “If you like this artist, you might also like….” that are often pretty accurate.

      My spouse, on the other hand, goes on Spotify and looks under the styles of music. Then you can click on a style you want and find music in that category. I like to put stuff on as background music so I can get a feel for it and then click on songs I like, which saves them so I can listen to them again later.

    8. Anima*

      I feel I did get my music recommendations from friends and acquaintances in the before times, I never heard of Tocotronic until a friend introduced me for example.
      That said, Spotify does not work at all for me – I have kinda a split music taste, it’s either obscure “gothic” (as in: Wave, but also, well, let’s call it Nordic) or Deutschpop – or Taylor Swift. Spotify does *not* handle that type of insanity well.
      To find new music:
      I pay attention to what music plays on Youtube videos I like and go from there.
      I find new artist at music festivals, mostly by listening to playlist made by other people for a music festival.

    9. Atheist Nun*

      I have a feed for BrooklynVegan’s blog and, based on the descriptions of the music in a post, I try out the music that sounds appealing. I like only about 10% of the music they post, but I still think it is worth it because I have discovered some of my favorite musicians that way (Camp Cope; Hurray for the Riff Raff). They also provide tour news so I can find out what shows are happening in my town.

      If you read BrooklynVegan, use an ad blocker (I use EFF’s Privacy Badger), because the site will overwhelm you with ads.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I ask people. Every so often I post on social media, “I like (Godsmack, Shinedown, Alison Kraus, Sara Evans). I do not like (most instrumentals, weird atonal stuff, misogyny) but am otherwise pretty eclectic in my music taste. Please make some recommendations.” (I ended up with Shinedown from “I like Godsmack” and Five Finger Death Punch from those two.)

    11. fallingleavesofnovember*

      The Search Engine podcast actually had an episode about this that was entertaining! (The title was ‘How do I find new music when I’m old and irrelevant’!

      In addition to the great ideas already shared, my husband and I have a few other tricks:
      – I find a lot of artists through hearing one of their songs used in a show, trailer, or movie. I actually found a lot of new music through the Heartstopper soundtrack last year!
      – Check out the ‘top new artists of 2024’ (or whatever year) from news or websites of countries not your own. We are North American but read the Guardian and often find new British and European music through their reviews and articles. I’ve also just googled ‘best new Irish artists’ for example, and then listened to a few YouTube videos of the ones that sound interesting to me.

    12. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If you have an NYT subscription, take a look at their Amplifier newsletter. Comes out weekly and always has a theme. It’s not always new music. I’ve found some great stuff that way.

    13. Lore*

      Earlier this year I discovered that the Emerson College radio station (WERS, streaming at WERS.org or through the TuneIn radio app) does an hour of new music at 8 pm every night. It’s student DJs of widely varying taste, but if I’m home and remember to turn it on, it’s definitely pointed me in some good directions.

      1. Tober Fulched*

        Also can recommend streaming WFUV in NYC (WFUV.org) for both new music and old stuff you may haven’t heard in awhile. Pretty good mix of genres and new or new-to-me artists to explore further.

    14. Courageous cat*

      Spotify’s Daylist, Discover Weekly, and Release Radar playlists. The first updates every 3-4 hours, the second updates every Monday, the third every Friday.

    15. Double A*

      Since downloading and playing Music League I have discovered hundreds of new artists I like. It’s a game where you create playlists based on themes then vote on the songs. It does use Spotify,. though.

      I don’t know how Apple music works but on Spotify you can find “related artists” and also you can just find playlists based on themes, artists, genres etc.

      In terms of specific recommendations, what kind of music do you like generally?

    16. Kay*

      Pandora – even with the free version you can create stations by putting in a few artists or songs, and it will fill in similar sounding music. So – I created a few different station using that method and I’ve really been happy with the results.

      Also – YouTube, if you play a video it will usually keep the music going with things it think you will like after.

    17. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I prefer music with lyrics I can’t understand, and mostly female vocalists for some reason, so on spotify I’ve been going to the EQUAL [insert non-English speaking country] lists and just browsing, then using ones I like as jumping off points. I’ve found quite a few artists I like that way. I think spotify thinks I’m Polish now though…

    18. Rosyglasses*

      Spotify has been great for me (so Apple music will likely be the same for you) when they have “suggested” mixes to listen to. Otherwise, friends and starting to teach yoga and sharing playlists has introduced me to artists I otherwise wouldn’t have encountered.

    19. Paint N Drip*

      I recommend listening to your local college radio stations. A mix of ‘what kids are listening to’ and what these specific music-focused kids who produce the radio shows are listening to, I don’t love it all but have found a lot of cool artists that way. I’ll shout out my local fave, which you all can stream online – WHSN (website is WHSN dash FM dot com)

  18. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    Last weekend I posted about what to do if someone you know puts cash in a box and FedExes it it to a scammer because a family member of mine did it.

    As of last week’s post, the package was successfully diverted to a pickup location and then after speaking to someone at that location, returned to sender. On Tuesday morning, my dad got his box o’ cash back!

    He’s extremely embarrassed by all of this. He said looking back, he should have seen the signs. They told him to get eight grand in cash, wrap it in aluminum foil, stuff it in coffee cups, and mail it to California for supposed bail needed across the country. But scammers like this will play on insecurities and induce a sense of urgency and my dad, though he doesn’t like to admit it, is prone to panicking at the thought of one of his kids in danger.

    We have also implemented code words and phrases to use if any of us really are in need of help. Though dad is currently still very paranoid and makes us use one of them whenever we call, even if it’s just to tell him how my squash garden is doing.

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m so thrilled for you and your dad! What an ordeal. These scams are getting more and more sophisticated; they can even AI-duplicate your voice pretty easily now. No shortage of despicable folks preying on kind hearted people, alas. But a happy ending!

    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Holy cow, I’m glad it worked out all right for your dad. The scammers are super insidious, they were already bad a decade ago when they convinced my grandma that my brother was in jail (she would never bail someone out but she got mad at my dad for “not telling her that her grandson was arrested”), and have only gotten more convincing since then. Now it’s so hard to keep track of the multitude of scam types, it’s so hard to know what to look out for! I know several people of varying age who got caught by some type of scam, mostly involving a credit card to “buy” something from what looked like a legitimate source. There will always be immoral people trying to steal from the vulnerable, gullible, and compassionate.

      1. Zephy*

        My husband’s grandma cut an article out of the newspaper God knows how long ago describing those types of scams (your [relative] is [traveling and stuck in another country/in jail/in peril] and needs money). The article warns readers not to answer calls from specific area codes. We still have the clipping stuck to our fridge (previously her fridge), and every time I see it I just think how quaint it was that once upon a time we knew a call from (123) 456-7890 was a scam because of the area code.

    3. Rain*

      Code words are such a great idea.

      We did a cruise like 15 years ago that required a code word to pick your kids up from the various children’s activities and we’ve been using them ever since.

      We used them for if we sent a friend to pick them up from school, or if they called from a party or sleepover she wanted to come home (but didn’t want to embarrass themselves by admitting it), and honestly all sorts of stuff.

      Once my son broke him phone and had to borrow one to text me and said “Mom, it’s me. (Code word). I broke my phone; can you come get me from (place)?”

      Cannot recommend them enough!

        1. TeaCoziesRUs*

          We have a family code word, too. If a coworker needs to pick up our kids, there’s one. If a kid needs to be retrieved, there’s a separate one involving candy they don’t like. They also have our full permission to throw us under the bus (Mom said I can’t go to that party, she’s such a beast) if needed.

          I don’t use them yet with elders, but my folks are still pretty savvy. We’ll see when the need arises.

    5. I strive to Excel*

      +1 to the code word idea! We implemented that many years ago in our family, though for a different reason. We were doing some general family safety planning (here’s what we do if there’s a fire, earthquake, etc) and as part of that we set up a codeword in case my parents ever had to send an unfamiliar adult to get us (EMS or something).

    7. Morning Reading*

      So, how’s your squash garden doing? Did you have to pollinate them yourself to get squash?

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        They were doing pretty great until recently. I planted zucchino rampicante over a large garden arch and as anyone who’s grown them knows, they are shaped…suggestively, especially when hanging.

        I was keeping the squash bugs at bay easily but alas, we had a week of rain and I slacked off on checking them and the squash vine borers got them. I finished disassembling everything today. RIP suggestive squash garden.

        1. Saddesklunch*

          Oh my god I hate squash vine borers so much!! They always come for not only my squash but my cukes as well. RIP to your suggestive squash.

    8. Someone stole my croissant*

      I told my mom my code word, it’s something my dad is allergic to, but could pass as a nick name if I needed to. Like Catherine and chili. That way my parents would obviously see it, but I could plausibly say to a nefarious person, oh, my parents call me chili.
      We also have a code passcode too for little kids.
      Although it does remind me of that scene in Harry Potter.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      We had code words for our kids when they were in elementary school. They’re all adults now. This thread gave me the idea to ask one of my kids for the code word next time they texted me to ask for something.
      I got the opportunity this morning.
      She remembered it. We had a good laugh.

  19. The Dude Abides*

    Share your stories of bad luck/unfortunate events occurring on special days.

    What inspired this – my birthday was earlier this week, and I kept up my routine and played some basketball at the Y. Caught an accidental elbow, and the resulting cut below my eye required stitches.

    The camera angles from dinner and the musical were chosen…carefully.

    1. BirthdayWoes*

      I injured myself on my birthday every year from the time I turned 11 until I turned 19. Every single year. Often in weird, freakish ways. I stopped doing stuff after a few years and it didn’t matter – One year I stepped on a piece of paper in my living room the wrong way and turned an ankle.

    2. Harlowe*

      I had a grandmother die on my birthday. Twice. (Different years and technically the second was my in-law.)

      When we showed up at the hospital and my cousin-in-law heard why we were dressed up, she gasped and said “Oh, how awful, I’m so sorry this happened today!” and I waved an arm and said “Eh, it’s not the first time.” and let me tell you the look on her face I will never forget.

    3. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I long ago stopped celebrating my birthday because something always happens that ranges from annoying to catastrophic. When I was a kid, it always coincided with standardized testing weeks. In college, always during major exams. Now as a working adult, if it can catch fire, flood, blow away, die, explode, or short out, it’s guaranteed to do it on my birthday. If by some miracle nothing explodes, then I’ll definitely wake up to find an unexpected mandatory training meeting that lasts all day and could have been an email.

      This year, I thought I was in the clear. Scheduled my day off in advance, vowed not to touch any appliance in the kitchen or the thermostat and not leave the house or touch gardening implements, just sleep in and read books and munch on snacks. So my mom decided she would do a surprise visit for my birthday and drove right into a tornado warning on the way here. She called me in the middle of it and I was able to reroute her to a safe location.

      Then I frantically cleaned the bathroom before she saw the state of it, the sink backed up during the course of cleaning, and when I went to check her location on my phone, I somehow dropped it down the open AC vent whose cover I had taken off to wipe all the cat hair off it. Not the one with the elbow I can easily reach into of course, it fell in the one that goes all the way into the return, which necessitated calling a servicer to open it up. My phone did not survive the trip.

      Next year, I’m hiding in the basement.

      1. Rain*

        Have you considered finding the wizard you inadvertently wronged and asking him to lift the curse?

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          “I didn’t know that chicken was your transformed fiancee: I swear I would never have made soup out of her if I had!”

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      A friend of mine broke her leg 2 days before her wedding. There are no wedding pictures of her alone, she’s next to and supported by someone in every single shot. Thankfully her dress was floor length.
      She did not walk down the aisle. She was seated at the front of the church as guests came in, and helped to a standing position by her bridesmaids for the vows. Her MOH stood much closer than usual, and her husband held her hands the whole time.

    5. Lala*

      I don’t want to share details, because they could be too identifying. But every time I take a vacation, have a long holiday weekend, or just decide to spend a relaxing weekend (vs. clean up/chore/project weekend), something always goes wrong. I’ve pretty much decided that really relaxing is just not in the cards for me.

    6. 653-CXK*

      We (my family and I) were going to celebrate my 50th birthday at a Connecticut casino until I had gotten COVID in late September 2021. We scrapped that and instead planned to celebrate my birthday and my sister-in-law’s 40th birthday at a local restaurant we like to frequent. Then, my father-in-law died from a long illness two days after my 50th birthday, so that party was also scrapped.

      On a lighter note, my brothers did surprise me with a Cameo video from Gilbert Gottfried.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      In 2002 we got truly horrible news on my birthday – not going into detail both because it’s identifying and because I can’t bear to tell the story, so that tells you how bad it was. And on top of that I was absolutely furious for years because I used to love my birthday and the whole thing gave me PTSD (for real) so I couldn’t enjoy it. And THEN I shared that with my husband in 2015 and he did not respond well. At all.

      Over the last few years it has eased quite a bit (therapy and 12-step FTW) and now I plan something totally fun for myself and enjoy the heck of it. This year it was a trip to NYC and Boston for ten days of nerd heaven in various ways and lots of in-person time with old and dear friends.

    8. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I leaned down to pick up a dog toy, somehow fell forward into a structural post in my basement, hitting the corner. ER (with a sparkly scarf tied around my head holding paper towels in place, got stitches in my head when the clock struck midnight…my birthday). Answering the door during daylight to my family who had come to celebrate my birthday was…interesting. Apparently I hadn’t done a great job of getting all the dried blood off my face, neck and chest.

    9. Jackie*

      It’s my birthday in a couple days. Four years ago my father died 5 days before my birthday.

      It was quite the adventure opening the mail during that week. I didn’t know if it was going to be a birthday card or a condolence card. Only one long time friend actually combined the two events, apologizing for wishing me sympathy and happy birthday at the same time.

    10. Peanut Hamper*

      At the end of my senior year, I was helping my friend practice his pitching by catching for him. It was in his back yard, so of course, I wasn’t wearing what catchers typically wear.

      I missed a catch, and it tipped off the top of my mitt and smacked me in the side of my face. Three days later—you know, the day of my high school graduation—I had a massive black eye.

    12. Jackalope*

      Several years ago I came back to visit my family for Christmas and my dad and I went out for a meal. I got food poisoning from that and woke up in the middle of the night Christmas Eve/Christmas to go throw up and generally be miserable. It was especially not helped by the fact that I was sleeping on the couch in the living room since there wasn’t a lot of room available.

      The next day we had our big meal with 4 of us: my dad, stepmother, sister, and me. My stepmother had advanced dementia at the time and could barely feed herself so all of her energy went into that. I was supposed to be the one who was cooking and my dad was busy with my stepmother so he didn’t have the energy to do much. And I was still feeling like hot garbage. So the four of us sat there picking away at the tiny bit of food my dad had managed to scrounge up (instead of our usual feast – and to make the record clear, my dad often cooks the feast and knows what he’s doing, it’s just that my stepmother was in a really bad way at the time) while he and my sis valiantly tried to scrape together a conversation, sm focused on eating while occasionally asking random dementia-addled questions (“What are we doing?” or “Is this chicken?” while pointing to the cranberry sauce), and I tried to remain upright (the nausea had subsided but I still had that horrid tiredness and mostly wanted bland foods). It was… uninspiring. I don’t remember where the rest of the family was, but it was something else. Although I can kind of laugh at it now; it was so awful that it crossed that threshold into funny. Not at the time, though, given how I was feeling.

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s pretty bad…

      My father passed away two years ago the day before my birthday, and two weeks later we had to put our beloved cat to sleep the day after Thanksgiving.

      Neither on the actual day, but close enough.

    14. FACS*

      I spent my 50th birthday in the surgical waiting area in my hospital. An unexpected opening came up in the surgeons schedule so it could be done 5 months earlier than scheduled. Patient was in pain every day so we took it and never looked back!

    15. Lady Danbury*

      For the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve experienced hurricanes almost every year during my birthday week, including one on my actual birthday. Fortunately, I live in a country that has an extremely strong hurricane infrastructure, so it’s more of a nuisance than a state of emergency. I’ve just gotten used to having to adjust birthday plans to account for hurricane prep/cleanup.

    16. Esprit de l'escalier*

      The last day that I was 9 years old I had my tonsils removed, which entailed staying overnight in the hospital. This was back in the day, before outpatient surgery was a thing. I woke up the morning of my 10th birthday in this big hospital ward full of fellow sufferers with my throat hurting unbelievably badly. Way to ruin a kid’s first round-number birthday!

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Ah, that was a problem. They wouldn’t discharge me until I’d eaten some ice cream, which normally I would have been thrilled to do, but my throat hurt so much that I couldn’t swallow. I can’t remember if they gave in or I did, but probably I did as I was a timid and compliant child, so that my mother, who by then was getting pretty impatient about this unexpected delay, could take me home.

    17. Liminality*

      My just-paid-off car was totalled on my 25th birthday.
      The first car that ran the red light missed me. The second car through the red light took out my front quarter panel and ripped off the front bumper.
      My neck has never been normal since, but I’m so grateful that my little sister in the passenger seat was not injured at all.

      1. Liminality*

        Also, Not quite on topic, but I was born on the 13th. In high school my birthday happened to fall on a Friday. My friends and I were talking about how Friday the 13th vibes would mesh with birthday vibes. Would they cancel out? Would one overpower the other? Would they combine into a mega-mystical force?
        One friend pondered aloud, “I wonder if My birthday will ever be on Friday the 13th?”
        We asked, “maybe it will, when is your birthday?”
        “February 4th.”

        Um…. no. Friday it may be, but the 4th it will always remain.

    18. Firebird*

      I don’t have a good track record for holidays. We always got sick around Christmas.

      My father was rushed to the hospital one New Year’s Eve and I spent the evening tracking down family members at various parties, to tell them to get to the hospital quickly to say goodbye. On New Year’s Day, my in-laws and my husband totally ignored my father’s death.

      On Valentines Day, years later, I found out my husband was cheating on me. With a woman he introduced to my mother because he wanted my mother to hire her as a home helper.

      On Groundhogs Day the following year, my divorce was granted. It hurt at the time, but I am much happier being divorced than I ever was being married. Any ideas to decorate and celebrate Groundhogs Day? That holiday I do want to celebrate.

      1. acmx*

        You could lean into the change from winter (darkness) to spring (light).
        Use celebratory decorations from NYE (or does your father’s death on NYD make that hard?)
        I am sure there are divorce decorations out there lol

    19. Banana Pyjamas*

      Last year I was supposed to be fired on my son’s birthday, but he was sick so I got fired the day after.

    20. Cj*

      when I was 12, my dad died on Christmas day, which was also my sister’s 14th birthday.

      decades later our German Shepherd, who I would argue was the best dog ever, also died on Christmas Day.

      my mom became really close friends with another widow, to the point that they were almost like sisters. her friend died on Thanksgiving day.

      I’m sure there were others, but I don’t remember any of them because the ones above were so devastating that anything else seems minor in comparison.

  20. Coffee grounds*

    I just started brewing my one daily cup of coffee instead of using instant and I’m looking for a way to handle the used coffee grounds without putting them down the sink drain. I’ve been adding the grounds to my small compost container, but I prefer to not put wet stuff in it, which makes this a dilemma.

    How do you dispose of your coffee grounds?

    1. Alex*

      I just throw mine in the trash. When I lived somewhere where I could compost I put them there. They are really good for compost!

      I use paper filters and just put the whole thing in the bin (the paper filters are compostable.)

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Same, but I use a reusable metal filter, and can’t really dispose of grounds in a “green” way, since it’s at w*** – I don’t brew coffee at home since my wife can’t stand the smell of it.

    2. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I use mine to feed the mushroom gardens I keep around in glass jars and buckets. Though they also go in the compost bin if my oysters are full up.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      We put them in the trash, outside of occasionally spreading them while gardening we haven’t found a good use for them. We use the empty cans (ours are usually metal, occasionally plastic) as a fat/oil collector, and throw away the closed can so we don’t have to worry about grease leaks from the garbage bag. You could probably use the empty cans in a similar way for the used grounds, if you want. Putting coffee grinds down the sink drain is a terrible idea, avoid it if you possibly can.

    5. BikeWalkBarb*

      I compost now. Years ago I used to just put them straight into a big planter pot I had by my door. Never seemed to be a problem for the plants. Do you have any houseplants that might want an occasional snack?

    6. allathian*

      We’re lucky enough to have municipal compostable waste collection, so it goes in there. Before that, we threw them in the trash.

      Never put anything other than human/pet waste and TP into the sewer system. Anything else organic simply becomes food for vermin in the sewer, even if it’s ground into tiny pieces.

    9. Jay*

      Trash, if I don’t have any plants in my care that could use a snack.
      However, I usually will first put them in a plastic bag I keep in the freezer until I’m ready to take the trash out. I do the same for any other household waste that can have a strong smell.

      1. Charley*

        I just let them air dry a bit (I admit this is mostly unintentional – I walk away and leave them until it’s time to brew the next pot) before composting.

    10. the Viking Diva*

      For many years I kept a worm bin. Worm castings make gorgeous, rich compost for plants. I dried the coffee filters and separated the grounds from the papers. Both went into the worm bin: the grounds added right away with table scraps, vegetable peels etc., and the dried filters were saved and shredded to restart the bin after harvesting a batch of worm compost.

      Then I composted both grounds and filter until the local service stopped accepting the filters. Separating them felt less worth the trouble when the filters would just be thrown away.

      Now I clip a waxed bag from an empty cereal box on the inside of my trash can, so it hangs from the top edge. I put the wet filter and grounds in there, to keep the mess out of the rest of the trash. A sturdy chip clip or extra-large binder clip does the job nicely. You do have to remember to detach the bag – let it drop into the trash and save the clip before you take out the trash.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I compost, so the grounds go into the bucket with all the other veggie peels and such. (Once in a while I’ll spread the grounds out on a plate to dry, and then put them in the bottom of the trash can; they help cut down on odors.)

    12. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Definitely do not put them down the drain.
      Grounds are so good for compost – if you want to keep your bin drier you can put the coffee with filter on a small plate for the day to let it spread out a little and it should be mostly dry by the time you get done with work.
      A couple of years I went away from using a compost bin to using a compost bowl like my parents did. Just a medium size bowl to collect the day’s scraps then at the end of the day the contents go into the outside bin and the bowl goes in the dishwasher with the rest of the dishes. Then it doesn’t really matter if the contents are wet or dry, although I usually try to put my coffee filter as the base of the bowl.

      1. Rebecca*

        “put the coffee with filter on a small plate for the day to let it spread out a little and it should be mostly dry by the time you get done with work.”

        I was going to suggest this. I do this with my tea leaves. They aren’t completely dry by the end of the day, but they are dry enough that they don’t make the compost bin too wet (which just makes it gross). I would add another change of improving the drainage of the compost bin.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      I dump them in a rubbermaid container and when it’s full I sprinkle them around the garden.

    14. Kay*

      For the paper filter, we drop it in the sink so the liquid can drain and it can dry a bit before it goes to compost. For the french press we drain and leave the top off for a bit, then either pick a plant or accept that a bit of moisture goes into the compost bucket.

    15. dontbeadork*

      Not coffee, but tea. We have a saucer we keep on the counter and dump the leaves there to dry out for a few hours and then they can be added to compost or an acid-loving houseplant. For my little pines, I just go ahead and put the wet tea leaves directly on their soil to help with the moisture of their soil.

      I expect if you have a shallow bowl or something like that you could put the coffee grounds in before you go earn your paycheck, and put the dried grounds in your little compost holder when you get home?

    17. Reba*

      I put filter + grounds in the compost – which I keep in the freezer until I take to the neighborhood compost drop.

      Could you let the grounds air dry a little bit before dealing with them?

    18. Indolent Libertine*

      We have weekly municipal compost collection, with a small plastic bin for inside and a big wheelie one for taking to the curb. I usually line the interior bin with 3 pages of our Sunday paper, and periodically – maybe twice a week? – pull that out into a paper grocery bag that goes in the wheelie bin. We also have a 1 cup coffee maker with the reusable mesh filter. I usually dump the used grounds onto a folded paper towel and let that sit a bit before putting it in the bin. Most of the moisture gets wicked into the paper towel so it doesn’t sog up the bin.

  22. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Has anyone had experience with the stuff you have to drink before a colonoscopy? My mom is reading the paperwork on what she’ll have to do beforehand and she’s worried about having to drink 16 oz of water in an hour while taking a fistfull of pills. She’s worried about throwing it all up and having to start it over. Does anyone have something encouragement/reassurance I can offer her?

    1. Anonymous cat*

      Do the instructions specifically say to drink the whole thing in an hour?

      Instead of pills, I had the powder mixed with Gatorade, and the instructions said something like “drink X ounces every Y minutes.” It took a while but I eventually got through it.

      If they don’t require taking all of them in one hour, I’d suggest just going slowly. And keeping a magazine near the bathroom.

      1. g*

        I had the powder one too and the instructions were to drink X amount of the mixed drink every Y minutes. She should drink it slowly because yes it is gross .

        1. Clisby*

          I did, too (although I had to take only a few pills) – but my 28-year-old daughter just had her first colonoscopy, and got this jug of liquid to drink. She said it had a faint citrus taste but was not awful, and I think she had to drink half of it in the afternoon, and half later. Different doctors prescribe different protocols. For example, my daughter’s included eating a low-fiber diet for 5 days previous to the procedure. My husband’s was the same. I didn’t have to do that – just the clear liquid diet the day before.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep: I mixed mine with Crystal Lite, per the instructions, and managed to gag it down. It was–not pleasant. It was X ounces per X minutes, too, not the whole thing in one hour.

    2. Ochre*

      I only had to take one pill 2 hours before starting the prep, so every prep is probably different. My prep was a whole gallon and I think I was instructed to drink 32oz of liquid per hour until it was gone. I didn’t get nauseated but I did just cycle back and forth from the fridge to the restroom for a few hours. Not sure if you have a typo or if her whole prep is only 16oz total? That doesn’t sound like a lot to drink in an hour but for what it’s worth I didn’t feel nausea at all. She could also call them to ask if she can drink it slower (2 hours?) and (if so) if she needs to change the time she starts the prep.

    3. Colonoscopy prep*

      Since your mom is worrying about it, maybe she can call the doctor’s office on Monday and ask how to manage the timing or what she should do during her prep if she starts to feel like she won’t be able to drink it that fast without throwing up. (Personally, as a veteran of 4 colonoscopies, I don’t think I have to do it *exactly* as instructed if it’s too hard for me. As long as I drink the stuff and it’s working, the exact timing doesn’t seem so critical.)

      1. Nonaysea*

        The time that I had pills I think actually the time I had liquid as well. They also gave me an anti-nausea pill to take. I’ve gone through this several times as has my spouse and neither of us have ever come close to actually vomiting. I honestly honestly think the fear is worse than what happens.

    4. Knighthope*

      16 oz in 60 min. is a little more than 1 oz every 4 minutes (less than a 1.5 oz. shot glass). Have her set a timer and read or scroll in between.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I had to go through two servings of the mixed drink. My instructions were along the lines of “have the first X hours before the test, and the second no more than Y hours before”. Both times, it started out ok and got harder towards the end, because there was a lot of it and it didn’t taste good at all. But no throwing up urges, if that can feel reassuring!

      I struggled a lot more with the no-fibre dietary requirements and the ban on food the day before. I would only wish the tinned clear beef soup I tried having for lunch on my worst enemy.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Try Better than Bouillon next time. I’m a vegetarian so I get their vegetable broth and fake chicken broth flavors. Easy to stir into a cup with hot water, salty umami goodness that’s very comforting when you just want food. They have a lot of flavors.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          A friend told me to go to the best deli in town, get their chicken soup, strain the solids out (save them for later!), and drink the broth.

          She didn’t tell me until after I had my colonoscopy, but next time, I will do this.

          1. lilybeth*

            When one of my parents had to do this, I did a lil research and saw a recommendation to buy broth from a pho restaurant, if you have one in the area. They did, and it was both inexpensive for a quart of it, and also really savory and delicious. Most of them will just sell you the broth if you ask for it (just say someone in your house is sick and can only have broth and then nobody really blinks at it).

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          That’s a really good idea, we use BtB a lot in cooking and it’s probably easier on the stomach than all the citrus flavors. Thanks!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, God, that two days of “bland with water on top” torture. Just the worst.

    6. Magdalena*

      Hi! I perform colonoscopies as part of my job and I’ve had colonoscopies performed on me as well.
      One bit of encouragement I can offer is that many people are intimidated by the prep but end up doing well prep-wise.
      Another bit of encouragement: the folks at the endoscopy unit have seen it all when it comes to colonoscopy prep dilemmas. For any scenario that is at all likely to occur, they will have tips and tricks based on experience. Having the patient well prepped makes their jobs easier so they should be happy to answer any questions your mom might have.
      Thinking ahead about the concerns she might have on the day of the prep and taking the time now to get the answers in advance will give her peace of mind on the day of the prep.

    7. CouldBeMuchWorse*

      FWIW, I’ve never heard of a colonoscopy prep that easy. If that’s really it she should count her lucky stars. Most of the prep options involve drinking much larger quantities of truly vile liquids over the course of as much as two full days.

      That said, if she’s really worried about it, most of the preps can be mixed with either clear or yellow flavoring (such as sugar free powdered lemonade) which masks some of the taste of stuff being ingested. Double check it’s okay with this specific prep, of course, and it usually has to be something like lemonade (no red/blue/purple colored flavors), but it’s been allowed with the last three types of prep I’ve used.

      Good luck!

      1. RussianInTexas*

        They don’t really do the extra long super terrible prep anymore. And the new gen anesthesia does not leave you groggy either. My gastroenterologist even told me I can eat absolutely everything up to the day before, when I had to do the prep, just avoid too much “roughage”.
        Mine was just one day of clear liquid diet, no reds or purple, 3 laxative pills at 3 pm, 16oz of the liquid at 6pm, 16 oz at 9pm, done.

        1. Trixie*

          For my first procedure, the prep and experience were both very easy to follow and recover from. I don’t recall feeling hungry. Using a straw helped when I didn’t like the taste. My difficult part was only an early morning appt required an early morning prep drink super early. At the procedure, I was out almost immediately and back just as quickly. Felt great on ride home, and for the afternoon no issues at all.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            The anesthesia compared to my wisdom teeth removal about 10 year ago was night and day. No grogginess or nausea at all, fully clear head, etc.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I had fentanyl/Versed cocktail and was alert and politely interested through the whole thing!

        3. Mimmy*

          Lucky!! My prep was pretty much an overnight affair. Clear liquid most of the day before, a set of pills at about 6:00 pm, another set of pills at around 1 or 1:30 am, and needing to be in the bathroom for pretty much the entire night. Ugh.

    8. The Week Ends*

      First time I drank really fast thinking I’d never get done. Mistake. Take many small drinks over the entire time is more comfortable. If you can mix with another drink, I found the white/clear Gatorade or lemonade was just right. Not too much added, just enough to help the flavor.

      1. Yep, colonoscopy is not fun*

        Second this. Sip slowly. And yes, it is unpleasant, because everything in you needs to go. If there is more than one bathroom in the house, reserve one of them just for her. But the prep is the worst part. And at the hospital I go to, they give you Lorna Doon cookies afterwards.

      2. noname today*

        Also swapping out the Gatorade flavors every 8 or 16 oz helps tremendously! Lemon, white, icy blue, helps make the whole so much easier!! And I also swear by the chicken broth from our local Jewish delicatessen and glasses of plain old water after the drugged Gatorade

    9. Morning Reading*

      Only 16 ounces? That’s just a pint. My weekly “bone pill” is supposed to be downed with a full glass of water, 8 ounces, first thing in the morning. I have no problem chugging a glass of water. Did you mean 16 ounces every hour? Not seeing the problem here.

    10. MissGirl*

      I got a colonoscopy because I was dealing with chronic nausea so I definitely was worried about throwing it up. I was allowed to take Dramamine, which relaxes my gut and me. It turned out easier than I thought. I used Gatorade and ice and sipped it.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I had to do 3 pills at 3 pm, then 16 oz of liquid at 6 pm and another at 9pm. The colonoscopy was at 8am next morning.
      It was gross, but it did not come back up. Drink it slowly, but don’t stretch it out to the whole hour, because it tastes gross and better to get over with.

    12. 653-CXK*

      My colonoscopy last year involved two bicosadyl tablets at 4pm, followed by one bottle of Miralax mixed with Powerade every 15 minutes [results redacted], then the day of the colonoscopy, two simethicone tablets, followed by another bottle of prep every 15 minutes [further results redacted].

      If you are on a liquid diet, I highly recommend popsicles, gumdrops, gummy bears/worms (no red or orange), and Jell-o. Make sure your prep is well mixed and as clear as you can get it – I used Powerade diet white cherry ice – or if you’re given magnesium citrate, I highly recommend the grape flavor (and getting a grape-flavored water chaser). Clear protein drinks also help.

      After I was through, they gave me graham crackers and something to drink in the recovery room. Then, whoever dropped you off can bring you home – and I strongly recommend you do not make any decisions of worth while the anesthesia wears off. The day after, eating bread helps get rid of the remaining prep, although [results redacted] may occur.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Part of the instructions for mine was I had to have a responsible adult bring me, wait for me, and take me back–probably to make sure I didn’t suddenly decide to go to Buenos Aires or similar while under the influence.

        1. 653-CXK*

          Fully agree. I thought I was able to walk and talk normally, and I never had the desire to sleep afterwards, but I was wrong.

          When I was in the recovery room, the nurse gave me graham crackers and juice, but I felt I had cotton mouth and couldn’t swallow the crackers unless I chewed them really well. (I could swallow the water fine). Then, when I got home, I attempted a bowl of granola cereal and a banana, with the same results.

          Reason: the Propofol had not completely worn off, and the cotton mouth was from the tube they had down my throat to breathe. I’m glad my mother did pick me up, because I would have probably gone to Rhode Island if I didn’t have my bearings.

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          Her instructions also specifically say it must be “an adult known to you” so no taxis or ubers. Probably because they can’t guarantee you will recognize if you’re at the wrong place, or have someone to get you inside, after the anesthesia.

    13. GoryDetails*

      I just did one. My prep was the Suprep version, where I had to drink the 16-oz mixture PLUS two additional 16-oz servings of water within an hour. It did sound pretty daunting, but I followed a recommendation to use ice water for the initial mixture (helps cut the taste, which was… not great but not as horrible as I’d feared), while room-temp water for the remaining servings was easier to drink. Had to do that once the afternoon before the day, and once in the morning before the procedure.

      My big word of advice: Vaseline. By the procedure day my poor rear was feeling the burn from flushing what was effectively pure stomach-acid in water straight through, and I wished I’d applied some Vaseline or equivalent earlier in the process!

      [Side note: the procedure went smoothly – the anesthetic was miraculous, the staff pleasant, the results clear. The team even sent me a thank-you card, which was nice but a bit weird. And at my age and medical history, plus the clear test results, I don’t have to have another colonoscopy ever!]

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Suprep is the one she will be using, I got the paperwork. I’ll give her the ice water suggestion, AND mention the vaseline, thank you!

    14. the Viking Diva*

      I haven’t ever had a prep with pills. But I find it much easier to get the liquid down if it’s chilled, and to use a straw (less contact with taste buds). I guess 16 oz in an hour doesn’t sound like much to me? I’d drink that with lunch! And as others have noted, that’s much less volume than some other preps. Also agree with the lemon-lime flavorings suggested below, if possible. I like macrobiotic juice and/or yogurt to get the GI flora reestablished afterwards.

      She’ll be OK! Colonoscopies are inconvenient for a day or two but she can keep her eye on the prize, taking good care of her health. “Love your butt,” as an old health campaign used to say.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding chilling the liquid a bit!

        And yeah, the prep is annoying, but I agree that colonoscopies are awesome as medical procedures go — if they find anything problematic that’s not too big, they can take it right out then and there, without any further inconvenience to the patient.

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I finally got to look at the paperwork myself. No pills, that’s a different procedure.
      At 2pm, mix the medicine into a 16 oz container with water and drink it all. In the next hour, drink TWO more 16 oz containers of water without the medicine. Then repeat at midnight.
      If I’ve done the math right that’s about 6 (measuring) cups in an hour, twice. I’m gonna have to look up what happens if she can’t do the prep perfectly, and probably call the doctor for more info too. She’s panicking…
      Maybe she can swap the two follow up bottles of water for some other clear liquid off the list. Broth, tea, or apple juice might be more palatable for her. It’s also possible she can get a single dose of anxiety medicine to help the morning of, like when I got LASIK. Her secondary fear is that the facility only lets patients in, no patient advocate even in the waiting room. I’ve been going with her after several doctors bullied her and scared her. She would have liked me to be there till the IV was set up and she talked to the anesthesiologist.

      1. Alan*

        That’s a bizarre policy re patient advocates. I can perhaps understand if it were a covid precaution but… My wife and I generally go to each other’s appointments, to the waiting room at the very least but if possible, further, because it’s often helpful to have an extra pair of ears in there. I’m sorry that your mom is nervous. I remember my first colonoscopy, and I was nervous too, until the woman in the bed next to me starting becoming genuinely hysterical and somehow that calmed me down. I’ve only had two but both have been really pretty easy. The hardest part I think is the anxiety.

      2. GoryDetails*

        It’s a shame they won’t let anyone else in – maybe COVID precautions? At mine, they insisted that I have someone to give me a ride home, and asked that he stick around during the procedure instead of being on call to come back and get me. (They were apparently getting through the procedures very quickly that day and wanted to be able to send people home ASAP, hence the please-stick-around request. But my procedure went quickly because they only found one polyp to deal with; it could take a lot longer if there are multiple finds.)

    16. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      My gastroenterologist has started prescribing zofran (anti-nausea med) to take along with the prep. She should ask about that if she is concerned
      16 oz of water is a lot lower than the prep I have used – I’ve done 3 and they have all been much higher volume of liquid.
      But 16 ounces over the course of an hour isn’t very much. Just set a timer for 15 minute intervals and space it out.

      The only real advice I have is go easy on the sweet clear diet. So much of what you are allowed on the fast is sweet and that can be really nausea inducing by the end of the day. It is easier to fast completely for a good chunk of the day. Get some fluids and electrolytes but don’t over do it.

      1. Ochre*

        I did wish I had included more salt in my “clear fluids” because the electrolyte shift gave me a terrible headache. That was worse than the (expected) bathroom trips!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Happened to me too!

          I found out the hard way that licking a little salt in the morning because my electrolytes felt off counted as “eating too close to surgery” and had my procedure delayed for several hours. Should have just done more gatorade or equivalent during the time when I was supposed to be drinking.

    17. Yes!*

      Can totally relate. I was halfway through and having a really hard time not throwing it all up, and I would have had to reschedule and start all over. However, I was able to get a super fast prescription (from my doctor’s advice nurse) for a pill that stopped the nausea. Apparently I could have asked for this ahead of time from the doctor’s office doing the colonoscopy.

    18. GoryDetails*

      One more thing that I’ve found helpful: when I had my first colonoscopy five years ago and had no idea what it would be like, I bought a package of Depends adult diapers. Found them very handy when I was in mid-prep and couldn’t predict how often I’d have to sprint to the bathroom. (There were times when I just sat in there for 10 or 15 minutes, but mostly it was a lot of back-and-forth.) Used some again this time, and they did give me peace of mind – in addition to catching some drips!

    19. Hroethvitnir*

      Just adding in a positive story for reassurance – as someone who generally gets nausea whenever nausea is an option, I was pretty worried about my first prep! But it honestly was not a problem.

      I had the type where there are no pills but you do drink a litre (around 1/4 gal) in an hour plus water. I just set a timer and drank exactly 250 mL every 15 minutes (or however it worked out… it’s been a couple of years).

      I was extremely careful to transition over the week to low residue then liquids, a little earlier/more carefully than even required, and it worked perfectly and wasn’t even that uncomfortable (though next time I might take the Vaseline recommendation :/).

      I hope it goes smoothly for her too!

    20. FACS*

      My prep (2nd colonoscopy) was a 6 oz bottle of prep then two eight ounce glasses of water over an hour. Repeat 5 hours before procedure. It was manageable with small sips over time.

    21. ElastiGirl*

      The pills are ultra easy compared to the disgusting powder. My doctor won’t prescribe the pills anymore (dk why), so I am honestly a bit jealous of your mom. And yes, 16 oz of water seems low.

    22. Zofran*

      Some folks are noting they were given Zofran to avoid nausea. I’m shocked by that because Zofran very commonly causes constipation which would be a major problem during colonoscopy prep. So don’t be surprised if your doctor says no to Zofran.

    23. DocGlobe*

      Did this a few weeks ago. Pharmacist suggested chilling the prep drink ahead of time in the fridge. I also used a straw to literally just swallow it down. Also for a few days before ate a little more lightly and less fiber (I know that sounds counterintuitive but it makes the process easier). I’d been putting off getting this done for years – wish I hadn’t. It really was very easy indeed

  23. Nonny today*

    I asked last week for advice on potentially helping a friend through grad school and wanted to thank everyone who chimed in and asked important and tough questions. Ultimately it was moot as my friend dropped out the next day, but I feel better prepared to tackle any future potentialities.

  24. Rain*

    I got loads of good icebreaker questions last week, so.would love more work-safe suggestions.

    (Favourite appliance was a surprise hit!)

    1. BikeWalkBarb*

      We recently had “If you could be great at any of the Olympic sports, which one would it be?” and that was pretty fun.

    2. The Wrong Trousers*

      I heard this one at a workshop recently and the answers were FASCINATING.
      How do you organize/put away your socks?

      1. Anonymous cat*

        Do you remember any of the answers? Beyond “stuff them in separate drawers for dark colors and white” ?

        I’m hoping someone quarantines the red socks to prevent laundry mishaps!

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Ooh, I’ll have to go back to the previous post. A coworker came across a graphic showing various levels of marshmallow toastedness and debating the ideal version was a big hit. You could also do best noodle shape. “What color is math” (and/or other subjects) is a good one too!

      1. Rain*

        Oh, I love ‘best noodle shape”! Those are the exact type of question I’m looking for.

    4. Someone stole my croissant*

      What is your …
      Spirit animal (although tbh I think this one’s weird)
      Favorite dessert
      Favorite plant/tree
      Favorite way to cook steak
      Favorite book
      Favorite invention

      Would you rather…
      Hard pillow or soft pillow
      Butterfly or caterpillar
      Dog or cat
      Boat or plane
      Milk or dark chocolate
      Camp or glamp

      If you could…
      Change your name
      Invent an ice cream
      Discover a galaxy/found a country, what would you name it?
      Gain a superpower
      Go back in time
      Evade taxes, what would you spend it on(don’t do this if it’s the irs or government ;))

      1. Aneurin*

        Yes, please don’t use “spirit animal” for obvious (and easily internet-searchable) cultural appropriation reasons.

  25. kid decision*

    I’m looking for stories of people who have changed thier minds about kids, from either direction. (yes to no, no to yes)

    I’ve been mostly a “no” until the last few months, where I’m starting to see some of the joy in children. I’m still very hesitant as I’m a selfish, impatient person and honestly don’t know if I’d be a good parent. I am also terrified about the idea of giving birth. I do not want to die lmao. I’m also not a fan of having some creature inside me.

    So clearly there’s still conflict and my husband and I have been discussing steps forward. I want to hear about people’s experiences of changing their mind–did you regret it?

    1. allathian*

      Regretting the kids you have is one of the few taboos we have left. It’s much better to later regret never having kids if you’re unsure, because that doesn’t involve other people, especially not a child who’s completely dependent on you to survive.

      My personal opinion is that every kid should be born into a family that wants them. Don’t have kids just because society expects you to. Certainly don’t have kids just to stay married to someone who does want them.

      Until I met my husband at 33 I was at best neutral about having kids. We had a mostly LDR for the first three years, but I was intentionally pregnant within 6 months of getting our first apartment together, because I got lucky and became pregnant the first cycle we tried. I was 37 when our son was born, and being his mom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

      Don’t try for a kid if you hate the idea, but if you’re hesitant, you can sit on it for a while.

      2. Clisby*

        +100. I never wanted children until I met my husband – it was not because I didn’t like children. I actually liked most children better than I liked most adults (and I was the eldest of 6 kids), I just … wasn’t feeling being a mother. Luckily, my first child was born when I was 42, and the 2nd when I was 48, and they’re the joy
        of my life.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember a book I read several years ago that really stuck with me; it said that when it comes to kids, people fall into the Yes, No, and Maybe camps.

        With Yes and No, the choice is pretty clear to the chooser. My sister was a Yes–she wanted kids and knew it, the man she married also did, and she’s got three now.

        I, just as emphatically, was and am a No. Never wanted them, never felt any longings or sense of regret. I have no objections to children, love my nieces and nephew, but kids have never been part of my inner landscape.

        The problem can come with the Maybe camp, because that’s the mindset that can often be talked/persuaded into a decision that hasn’t been fully thought through, but relies more on “well, here’s hoping” as its motto. Quite a few Maybes were really Nos, but due to many factors (society, family pressure, you name it) had never really articulated that. Then, when they had kids, they were not mentally or emotionally prepared for the experience.

        Many of course were glad they had had children, but a significant number did regret it, and were stuck with a decision that directly affected the happiness and well being of a person they chose to bring into the world. It was the source of a lot of guilt and resentment.

        So I would say: try this experiment. Clear your mind, then think clearly and deliberately, “I am pregnant/partner is pregnant.” What is your initial reaction, the first thing you feel?

        If it’s joy, excitement, or pleasure, think more about your choice. If you have ANY doubt, dread, or sinking in the stomach–that is your answer.

    2. Jules the First*

      Two things helped me make the decision to have a kid (and that I have revisited this summer while deciding whether to have a second kid). First, a friend who desperately wanted kids but had endured years of infertility pointed out that the question is actually not “do I want to have kids?” but “do I want to try to have kids?” For me, I could quite easily see going either way if the question was do I *want* kids, but reframing it about trying helped me realise that I would regret never having tried.

      The second piece that helped was actually someone at AAM who said she’d found it helpful to think about her dinner table in 20 years. Who do you picture around that table and why?

      1. Solokid*

        That last question lines up with me not wanting kids. I want to be surrounded by friends where the decision is mutual to be in each other’s life. Family gatherings have always felt forced to me, even the people I greatly get along with.

      2. Galle*

        The idea of deciding to try for children without being clear if you even want kids is terrifying to me. Children deserve to be wanted :/

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Yeah this line of thinking is really not working for me. If you know you want kids I would say you should start trying when you feel ready to be pregnant (versus ready to have the kid in your arms right now) bc you do have the majority of a year until you get the kid! (if all goes well right away of course). the idea of trying just for the sake of trying and possibly not wanting kids seems almost irresponsible to me tbh

        2. Roland*

          I understood it like flipping a coin for a big decision – it’s not that you’re bound by the result, but rather thay you might get a very obvious “phew”/”darn” feeling at the result and thus know what you want. Like that it helped them understand that they want kids, not that they were still on the fence but tried anyway.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’m paraphrasing from a tumblr post that I can’t find at the moment:

      Having kids is the one major life decision you’re expected to make that you can’t reverse. You can quit a job, move or sell a house, divorce or break up with a partner. You cannot unhave a kid, and once you’ve started you’re on the hook for 18 years of caregiving at absolute minimum until they’re a legal adult, and you can’t take a step back to look after yourself unless someone else is there to take over the caregiving.

      For me, seeing it written out like that was what affirmed me not wanting kids and gave me confidence in my decision going forward. Hopefully it helps you too whichever way you decide.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        My dad told me the same thing – it’s the one decision you can’t reverse. Take it seriously! And that’s also part of what makes it so hard – it’s the only job you can’t quit!

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I made some offhand comment to my Mum comparing having kids to running ultramarathons, and she immediately said “ultramarathons end”. Meanwhile it took me a week to commit to making a sourdough starter because I was worried i wouldn’t be able to look after it…

    4. Beauty School Dropout*

      I have flip flopped all the way around 360 degrees (so back where I started) on this one. I started as a “No.” Like you, I find myself too impatient and too into adult things like peace and quiet. Since I never met a partner that solidified my no. Then in my 40s I felt stable and decided I wanted to try (as Jules the First said). It didn’t work and I found myself at peace with that. I think if I had had the right partner I would have done it and probably been reasonably happy, but I’m also reasonably happy in this branch of the multiverse where I’m really into my pets and my friends instead.

    5. Forensic13*

      It can help to tangle out exactly what you mean by things and the reasons behind them. I didn’t want kids for a long time, and realized it was because I had some /concerns/ about what parenthood would be like from my own childhood. But I thought about why I wanted a kid, and it was because I wanted to be there while my kid grew and learned, so I could support them. Not to have a copy of me that would do exactly what I wanted!

      And then you can consider exactly what you mean by selfish and impatient. I am a VERY impatient person, but I’m learning to be better most of the time. I’ve learned I can be patient for my kid most of the time, but there are certain activities for which I just can’t, so I work to minimize them or trade off with my husband. And I’m not “selfish,” but having time for myself is very important. I can’t have that all the time, of course, but we make sure I have it sometimes, and that makes a huge difference.

    6. Generic Name*

      Honestly, you don’t sound all that selfish to me. Truly selfish people never stop to think how their actions would affect other people. Just a data point from an internet stranger. :)

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I made the decision to stay child-free for similar reasons as you: I’m impatient, mean when I’m sleep deprived, irritated by repetitive noise, cranky if I don’t get enough alone time, AND I have time-blindness. No baby or child deserves to be raised like that, and I would be miserable trying to cope. All that entirely besides the fact that everything about pregnancy sounds horrifying to me. Particularly now, with abortion rights in jeopardy, I’m terrified that a hospital might prioritize a nonviable pregnancy over my own life/health.
      Other people’s kids are wonderful! I enjoy teaching, babysitting, and mentoring, but after a few hours I’m DONE. My favorite line to my family is, “yes, babies are cute, I can give them back if they start leaking or making unusual noises.”
      If at some point my partner and I change our minds about being parents, I STILL would not get pregnant. Most likely, we would foster or adopt older children or even teens, who can manage their own hygiene, and at least try to explain what they are upset about.
      All this is a lot of words to say, your initial fears and decision to not have children are still valid, and definitely worth giving weight to as you reconsider. Seeing some of the joy in children is not the same as wanting to raise one, and you can consider whether your desire is to be a parent, or spend time babysitting, mentoring, or teaching children. There are also alternatives to being pregnant yourself, including surrogacy if genetic ties are important to you. You are already ahead of the curve in that you are considering the safety and happiness of your potential future children. I would advise that if you are still hesitant AT ALL, you should stick with your initial “no”. Most importantly, remember that in the end, the only opinion that matters is YOURS.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        “Seeing some of the joy in children is not the same as wanting to raise one.”

        AMEN. My line is “I love panda bears, but I don’t want to raise one.” Would I pay cash money to cuddle a baby panda? You bet! Am I remotely equipped to actually care for and raise an endangered animal? NO.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        You sound very similar to me. The level of sleep deprivation that parenting requires turns me into a person who should not be a parent or at least not the type of parent that I think any child deserves. I don’t have any diagnosed neurodivergence or mental health issues, but I am at a point in my life where I know that there are certain things that I need to be mentally healthy and emotionally regulated, so that I can show up as a good partner, family member, employee, etc. A certain level of sleep is one of those things. A day or two of not meeting that need is a hugely different from a month or two or a year or two (or more). And a vulnerable child makes the stakes even more important to be able to show up in a way that is healthy for that child.

    8. Snow Kitten*

      I ended up sticking to “no,” but I almost changed my mind to “yes” and it sounds like that might be where you are. In my case it was my biological clock hitting the panic button. It was so bad that if I saw a baby I started crying, I suddenly wanted one so badly. But I reviewed in my mind why I had been a “no” for many years (by this time I was late 30’s), which included being impatient, often low energy, and a real concern that my own anxiety would cause me to just lock ’em in a closet to keep them “safe.” :-) I ended up sticking to “no” and I’m very glad I did. Don’t mistake me — I love children, but I can play with others’ kids and babies! I realize sometimes I’ve missed out on some really great experiences, but I do not regret it overall. If you are really really unsure what you want to do, a short course of talking to a therapist might help you sort it out. Also, quite frankly, kids should be 100% wanted (if possible), so being sure would be important to them as well as to you. Good luck!

    9. Hroethvitnir*

      I have not changed my mind, but it’s been interesting to observe the specifics of my feelings over time.

      I do think we should be cognisant that our bodies very much want us to have children, so desire doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best idea. Tbf my perspective is that a large number of parents who do love their kids and aren’t awful still… probably shouldn’t have.

      Anyway, I’ve always liked kids and never wanted my own. It was pretty fascinating to observe that once I had a hysterectomy, my affection toward children increased markedly – I think because I finally felt safe.

      I would love to foster if I was ever financially and psychologically stable enough, but it seems unlikely at this stage (39, still struggling).

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yes I agree that you can sort of listen to your body without feeling that what the body wants is an imperative. I did go through a sort of “baby phase” right as I was exiting my childbearing years but it wasn’t a true emotional/psychological desire to be a parent, it was a very physical urge to have a baby. It passed quickly. I’m pretty sure scientists would be able to find the hormone that caused it. I’m sure glad now that I didn’t let a hormone surge ruin multiple lives!!

    10. Miss Buttons*

      I would listen to your doubts. Children need to be wanted and cherished. I was a divorced mom of two for many years, loved my kids fiercely and had lots of patience, but it was still challenging. I have no regrets.
      There are so many ways to interact with kids without being a parent. Being an aunt/uncle, sports coach, Scout leader, Big Brother/Sister or mentor through another organization, library volunteer, volunteers who hold babies in hospitals, many many others. Why not explore some of those?

    11. Kay*

      I almost changed my mind, I was so very close, and I’m so glad I didn’t. I was always a no, then I was with someone who really wanted to be a dad. He would have been an amazing father, we would have had an amazing life, and I could see having a couple of adorable little minis running around – but that was a best case scenario.

      The reality was that the relationship didn’t turn out so amazing, I’m so thankful I can sleep in if I want, I don’t have to worry about any human hating me because they disagree on how I raised them, I don’t have to worry about raising a human who I don’t like at all (while having to fake it 24 hours a day), my bank account loves me, I didn’t have to be a single mom, the list goes on.

      Kids are hard enough when you really want them, I can’t imagine how hard it would be if you weren’t all in.

    12. Scientist*

      There have been some great comments here, but I want to add to the conversation that I don’t actually think you have to be “100% sure” you want kids to have them. Some people are, but a lot of people are like, “Well, I’m pretty sure, but am I 100%???” And I think being like, 90% sure is okay! There are people like me who are super literal and analytical and who feel uncomfortable committing to totality, and that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have kids, just because you can see the slim chance of possibly being wrong. And as someone with two amazing small children, I’ll also say that while regret for having children is absolutely real, I think more commonly the wonder of your own kiddos, and all the hormones and bonding and pheromones and fuzziness of their tiny heads, can make up some of those last few percentage points.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I really like how you explained this! I think unless people have struggled with infertility for many years there’s always going to be some room for doubt or fear. but you’re ready to start trying when your excitement and enthusiasm at the prospect of having children outweighs that doubt or fear.

      2. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yep. I hear some people who are around 50-60% sure (which is where I was) struggling with the decision and I think hmmm … for me, at least, 50-60 was a no. But I would say 85 or above is fine to just round up! That’s partly what people mean when they say there’s “no perfect time” or whatever. Weirdly, I would worry for someone who was only 85% sure they wanted to get married (absent some sort of known pervasive anxiety issue). I guess because you don’t *have* to marry that person, and if you want to be married there’s a good chance you can find someone who is at least in the 90% range haha.

    13. Lady Danbury*

      I went from yes to maybe to no over the past maybe 15 years. The yes stage was when I was a young adult (mostly 20s), knew that I liked kids but had very few friends or peer age family members who had them. I was very familiar with kids (younger cousins, family owned preschool) but was not having intimate conversations about the parenting experience with parents.

      Maybe stage was my early to mid 30s. Close peer family/friends started having kids so I actually saw the parenting process up close and also had honest and intimate conversations with people who were parents. I was able to observe the changes that parenting brought (both good and bad) for people I knew in the BK stage, as opposed to people I had only known as parents. I started to develop a more realistic view of what parenting was and how it could impact me.

      The no stage started in my late 30s. I have a wonderful, settled life that still has challenges. I acknowledge that I am very privileged compared to many, but still feel like I don’t have enough time or money for all of the things that I want to do. Having a child would likely compound those feelings, plus my time would no longer be my own. I now have niblings that I am extremely close to and so I feel like they bring me all of the benefits of parenting without any of the drawbacks. Whenever I am required to parent them (I usually have them for 1-3 weeks while my sister/BIL travel), I become a stressed (because managing parenting and a demanding job, plus other life demands, is hard!), sleep deprived, less emotionally regulated person. I don’t think I like who I am as a full time parent and I’ve concluded that I am ok with not being one. I still enjoy children and spend more time with my niblings than some parents do with their own kids, lol. But there’s a huge difference between loving kids and enjoying being an auntie (one of the best things in my life) and wanting to have your own kids. Becoming a parent brings changes that obviously cannot be undone and deciding whether you want those changes is a deeply personal decision.

    14. Washi*

      I agree, I think it’s an almost impossibly high bar to say you need to be 100% sure about something you’ve never experienced before and that there’s really no way to try out first (personally, babysitting and mentoring felt VERY different than having my own).

      I did not want to have children until I had married and lived with husband a while and realized that what I didn’t want was what my mother had, which was doing 90% of the childcare and housework, and that that’s not the life I would have with my husband. I also reached the point where I couldn’t be 100% sure I would love being a parent, but I was very sure I wanted to take the leap and do something different with my life.

      I was pretty sick in pregnancy and my son struggled with both sleeping and eating to an extent that I did regret it for the first 1.5 years after conception. But I loooove having a toddler (to my surprise, I never liked other people’s toddlers) and I’m pregnant with my second now! And it’s a lot easier because I’m putting no pressure on myself to enjoy pregnancy or the first 6 months postpartum, I know the fun part comes later.

      2. MP*

        My first was a wild ride but I’ve enjoyed #2 so much more because of realistic expectations like you mentioned. Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

    15. oh wow really anon for this one*

      When my husband and I first started dating I wanted kids and he didn’t. He didn’t really see himself as the settling down type or whatever. After we’d been together for awhile he started to want kids too. Then our house burned down due to a natural disaster. About a year later he said he’d like to start trying for a baby. I told him “no” because even though losing everything had been hard on us as a couple with no kids, I had seen how exponentially more difficult it was for families with kids (my work involved young children at the time). We agreed to put this discussion on hold for at least awhile. Then our house burned down again due to another natural disaster (we no longer lived in the same geographic area but it happened anyway). After that neither of us wanted kids.

    16. Ricotta*

      I’m a “hell no” and I’ve always been a “hell no” but I wanted to ask–have you done any practical experimentation here? I see a lot of discussion in the comments about soul searching, but do you spend significant time with infants and children on a regular basis? If this is all theoretical to you, go out and babysit. You can find out how you’ll react to stressful parent-adjacent situations (since as they say, it’s different when it’s yours) and start to get a better understanding of where you stand. Navel-gazing about being a mom can only get you so far.

      1. Scientist*

        As a parent, I would say that babysitting and caring for other people’s kids for short term periods of time (like, less than a few months continuously) is so unlike parenting that it shouldn’t be used to help decide at all.

    17. Anonanonanoninon*

      My husband and I had been on the fence for a long time, but despite whatever pro/con lists we made or how terrified I am, I’ve never arrived at a clear “no”, which to me meant that the answer was ultimately yes. (We haven’t been successful so far, which brings in a whole bunch of other decisions…)

      I do feel like I know myself and my partner quite well and we have a very strong marriage. Basically I know that I can and will do what is needed for another person, and that as a couple that we can do hard things and still come out loving each other.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        I think this is a valid framework also. When I evaluated my potential, I had serious doubts bout my financial stability, family support, health, emotional stability – even practical ability to secure quality childcare. Those kinds of really practical considerations pushed me into a “no” even when I was kind of on the fence about what I wanted in my heart. Honestly, if I was an heiress with millions at my disposal, maybe I would have pursued single parenting because I would have had a high degree of confidence that, even if I wasn’t perfect, I could secure the right help and things would probably be okay for the child, even if the child had challenges/special needs, versus, “well, I’d probably make it work, right??” Obviously there are no guarantees but at least I would have reasonable confidence. I would feel differently in different contexts (married etc). I chose no and I think that’s the right call for me.

    18. Accidental Parent*

      I have always been in the “no” camp. Hard nope.

      Through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up having a child anyway. I was treated so poorly by potential adoption agencies, as if me sitting in a hospital with a baby in NICU and me barely surviving due to a vascular disorder was all part of my evil plan, that I decided I can’t be much worse than those people are.

      More than two years later, I’m finding that while being a single mom to a toddler is really difficult, I’m actually kinda thriving? Still healing from all the trauma and I’m sure the stress will be the death of me, but I’ve also gotten my act together in ways I never bothered with before. And my kid is smarter than I am by far (but still a toddler and thus prone to toddlerisms).

      Would I ever do this again? Absolutely not.
      Are there days I regret my decision? You betcha.
      Do I love my kid? Also yes– my goal in life now is just making sure he turns out better than I did lol

      I am probably @allathian’s worst case scenario, given the opinion that kids should only be born into families that want them: not only am I an accidental single parent, but I’m also the kid who was born to parents who wanted a kid– and ended up in foster care until reaching adulthood lol

  26. Ginger Cat Lady*

    Parking question:
    This week I had to do some shopping at two stores, both in a small town main street type setting where all the stores are like rowhouses with shared walls and the parking areas are behind the buildings.
    I parked in the lot behind Store A, where I shopped for about half an hour and spent about $150. Then I ran next door to Store B and bought 1 item, about $7.
    Got back to my car behind Store A and my car had been booted! The lot did have a sign that said “Parking for patrons of Store A only” but since I did do the bulk of my shopping at Store A I didn’t think it was an issue to pop into Store B. Between the time stamp on my receipt and the point in the conversation with the manager of Store A where I showed it to him was 18 minutes, so I wasn’t in Store B for long at all. Despite all that, Manager of Store A refused to have the boot removed.
    Cost me $180 to get my car unbooted, and Store A has lost all my business permanently. I’ll drive to the next town over rather than shop there.
    Was I in the wrong to think I could use the one lot to shop both stores? Should I have moved my car between shops? (Not sure where I would have moved it to, as there is no designated lot for any of the other stores on that block. The lot was not even close to full when I was there. Maybe 10 of 30-40 spaces were occupied.) Did I get caught in the crossfire of some kind of turf war between the two businesses? Should I take an Uber back to Store A and return all $150 of the stuff I bought? I’m seriously tempted.

    1. acmx*

      I’d return the items. I can be petty like that. Then you’ve almost covered the cost of boot removal.

      I’m curious as to how he knew you shopped elsewhere? And I would have made the same decision regarding where to park.

      You could check if what he did is legal. The whole lot is reserved for A? We’re the signs in the front row or spaces?

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I think the manager was being unreasonable — they should have treated this as an forgiveable first offense and let you off with a warning.

      If the stuff you bought at Store A isn’t seriously important or necessary for you, yes, I would return all of it, although I wouldn’t take an Uber, as you’ve lost enough money there without adding that expense. The return would let you recoup a good chunk of the $180 you paid to ransom your car, but also I suspect that if you kept those items you would not have much pleasure in using them — they would always remind of this bad experience.

      1. BellaStella (cat lady)*

        Agree here. Return all the items plus leave a review on yelp etc. If this p’ace has an owner above this guy also write the owner a letter

        1. Maggie*

          I’m super surprised by people’s responses. This is standard parking lot procedure. If it says store A only and you leave, you’ll be booted or towed.

          1. ShopAndPark*

            Not in my experience. As long as you shop in store A you’ve paid for parking in their lot. Having you towed/booted is unforgivable under those circumstances.

          2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            This is also standard near me. There’s a donut shop that’s notorious. And if you ever watch Parking Wars in Philadelphia, this happens all the time. You’re only allowed to park while physically in the store. The store hires the tow company and the drivers hide out waiting for someone to do this. That’s how they make money.

          3. RussianInTexas*

            Yeah, I would never leave my car in a designated spot if I am going somewhere else, even if I did stop with them originally, because they will get you booted, or even worse, towed. Especially in the more popular places.

          4. RagingADHD*

            Not standard at all where I live, unless you’re in a “30 minute only for pickup” space, or leave it there for hours.

            Under 20 minutes, after you did actually shop there and make a significant purchase? No manager around here is going to call for a boot in that situation.

            1. Maggie*

              Yeah, it’s bogus that the manager called. Where I live the lots are patrolled by tow companies that they’re already under an agreement with, so the store doesn’t do anything, if a two truck sees you do it, they just tow immediately. I’m in a big city so it makes more sense because people will try to park at a grocery store and then go out to the bars down the street or whatever. I guess I don’t see anywhere in the post where it says the manager called so maybe it’s the same situation? Very weird for a small town though.

              1. RagingADHD*

                Well, the OP didn’t park and go to the other store. They shopped in Store A first.

                And they had a conversation with the manager in which the manager had control over whether the boot was removed or not. So I don’t think the situation is like yours.

            2. Sally Ann*

              The store manager doesn’t call in these situations. The store hires a towing company, that company gets a bounty for every car they tow. The signs are absolutely literal – “parking for store A only”. Not “parking for store A and any other store nearby”. The tow company hires people to watch drivers park , go into the store, and leave the store, and if the drivers go to a different store, the watchers notify whoever is supposed to tow or boot the car. Annoying and a hard lesson.

          5. Nancy*

            This is standard where I live too. There are other public lots, spaces behind the buildings for anyone, and metered parking on the street, so it’s not like there aren’t other options if you want to shop in multiple stores.

            It’s probably also easier to stick to the policy for everyone than make exceptions.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I would most certainly return the items, and park at the store to do it, since you would actually be in the store at the time.

    4. BikeWalkBarb*

      You *were* a patron of Store A and this is unreasonable and extremely bad customer service. Return the stuff. If you can go by bike or transit to do so, even better.

      1. Lala*

        I once parked in the lot of the package store and first visited the charity store next door (no parking). after I went into the package store. when I checked out, they gave me a warning.
        I understand, but I wasn’t in the lot long, and I never went in to that package store again.
        I think there’s a line here, but the store you went in definitely crossed it by miles.
        I’d return the stuff, if it doesn’t cost you more trouble than you want to spend (return, uber cost, buying the items elsewhere). But either way, I’d try to find someone above this person to complain to.

    5. Maggie*

      The sign said parking for store A only. I live in a city where those lots are patrolled and 1 minute not in Store A and you’ll be towed. So I would have moved my car. I don’t see why you’d return merchandise because you parked somewhere that said it’s for store A only and then went another store. I guess I’m just used to it be extremely strict, and it’s super unfortunate that that happened, but it is what the sign said .

      1. abca*

        What if you’re a slow walker, or just bought something to eat in the parking lot before you go back to your car? I’m not in the US so if this sounds strange it’s maybe that, but this sounds really bad to me, and I’m surprised some people say this is totally normal. I would expect at least a grace period after leaving the store. I guess I have been brainwashed a bit by hearing so often that service in the US is so awesome (like greeters in supermarkets, people that bag your groceries) that it really surprises me that this isn’t a one-off terrible store but more common than that.
        Where I live this is usually handled the other way around: paid parking lot, if you spend more than $20 in the store, you get an hour of parking for free.

        1. Maggie*

          There’s all kinds of ways parking is handled, some are pay lots that validate, but some are open parking lots like what happened with OP. In a big city parking is in short supply and considered a premium. Tow companies patrol the lots and if you are seen leaving your car and going elsewhere then they’ll tow you. (Not boot in my area). Because there is only so much space in a parking lot for people shopping at that store. For reference I live in Chicago, but this happens in any big city. If you’re walking slow I don’t think that matters, you’re still walking between either your car or the store. Eating in your car? I mean that’s probably fine, however if there’s a line of cars waiting to park and use the store I’ll leave instead of sitting in my car eating so they can have a turn to shop too. What’s weird is it seemed to happen in a small town with tons of parking vs a city with limited space.

        1. Maggie*

          Yeah it sounds like people live in places where the parking is more lenient, and they enjoy that, so that’s great! For reference I live in Chicago, pretty normal city, but in busy cities parking is at a premium, and if a business even has a lot which is rare, they are not going to allow people to use it for other stores. Parking lots tend to be small and stores busy, so there’s shoppers waiting to take your space and enter the store themselves

          1. GythaOgden*

            We have this conversation with people at a property we manage every month in a tenants’ meeting. Every month someone asks where alternative parking is, every month we have to say that we’re not responsible for other arrangements. It’s frustrating for both parties, but unfortunately we can’t create a pocket dimension out of nowhere and resolve the issue, so people with this issue have to be able to grasp that it is what it is at a certain point.

            As a non-driver I have been a bit unsympathetic in the past and I’m working on my empathy in that regard, but unfortunately there will always be limitations on parking and people need to be able to keep moving in and out for it to be viable for the business which maintains the lot.

      3. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

        out of curiosity how do they know? I can see if it’s been hours but how do they know whose car is whose it’s just been 30 minutes or so? someone watching on a camera the whole time?

    6. WS*

      Yeah, absolutely don’t go back. Return the stuff you bought if it’s not too much hassle, tell them why you’re not going back. Are they technically in the right? Sure. Was it an extremely dumb hill for them to die on? Yes.

      My local cinema reduced all their parking to 2 hours, shorter than the length of most movies, and definitely shorter than everything once you include previews etc., and it’s not a place with any public transport. So I told them I wouldn’t be coming back, and I must not have been the only one, because they changed it to 4 hours.

    7. Morning Reading*

      I think you probably did get caught in a parking wars situation. I don’t understand where they want patrons of Store B to park. All parking belongs to Store A?

      I don’t know if you are a resident or have any influence in this small town, but, a note to the local chamber or whatever city department is in charge of this system may be in order. Mention that the parking rules seem to prevent shopping anywhere but Store A. And that you won’t be shopping in that town again (at any store) after this expensive experience.

      I understand that this practice may be common in big cities where parking is at a premium. But in a small town with parking in a lot behind the stores? Never seen it. And I’ve never heard of the “boot” outside Chicago (most places just tow.) with a little investigation you might find that little town has a toxic local political situation that leads to these petty squabbles. Stay well away.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        If store A owns and pays for the lot and maintenance, I totally understand why they don’t care where patrons of store b are supposed to park. But since OP was a valuable patron I agree financially they should have given her a grace period and deserve to lose the sale by not doing so. I would return the items if possible (why do I feel like this store is going to have a “no returns” policy?).

        1. Morning Reading*

          It never occurred to me that the store might own the lot. Aren’t most stores rental spaces for the building itself? In my town, the parking behind the stores is owned by the city, and there are a few designated spaces, but we don’t have towing or booting that I know of. They would ticket before either. And, the small businesses are often trying to support each other. It seems to be the hope that some stores (pot shops, boutiques, antique stores) will attract shoppers who will then stop elsewhere to buy something else. That seems to be what the chamber of commerce does, trying to create an environment appealing to browsers.
          I guess if they own the lot, they can set the rules. But if their rules drive away customers, especially customers they might share with the store next door, they are doing capitalism wrong.

          1. GythaOgden*

            Tell me you’ve never been in property management without telling me you’ve never been in property management, either as a tenant or a landlord!

            The shop may lease the building, you’re right, but they may also pay to have an agreement to maintain the car park at the same time by paying extra for it to be exclusively for their use. The healthcare facilities we run are the same — the car park is maintained by us, but the tenant has exclusive rights to use it (and maintain it for patients as well) and it will be factored into the rent they pay. Thus they can definitely preclude people from using it who aren’t there for the purpose of using the clinic or the hospital or working there!

            I was on reception in a property with free parking, and the number of people who essentially used us as a park and ride system because of easy bus access into town was frustrating. It cut down spaces for the people who were legitimately here on business. While we were a healthcare office rather than a shop, in general this is common in the UK too because of very limited space.

            There are never enough parking spaces and tenants pay to reserve them for the use of their own customers and employees all. the. time.

            1. Beauty School Dropout*

              Sure if OP had said “I parked and then caught a bus to work” we would have come down differently. But she did shop in the store and spent a good amount, and her visit to the second store was less than 15 minutes so it’s not like she was freeloading. The store technically had the right, sure, but OP also has the right to think they are a crappy place to shop and to return her purchases.

    8. Jay*

      It all depends on the store, the city, the culture, and how badly it’s abused.
      You go in, buy a stick of gum, and then leave for the day and shop at every other store on the street while they loose sales because you’re taking up one of their four total parking spaces? Towed.
      You do your shopping there and then pop across the street for a quick iced coffee for the ride home? You’re fine.
      What store A did was a dick move, unless you were taking up very limited, valuable space, or it was a store who’s livelihood revolved around quick turnaround over a short period of time (For instance, someone mentioned a donut shop. I’ve worked in one, and the margins are low, most people buy their products over a short window in the mornings and the average time spent making a purchase is usually not more than a couple of minutes. As such, taking up a space for 20 minutes while shopping elsewhere could cost them multiple sales).

      1. Solokid*

        OP explained their situation and it is nothing like any of your scenarios. they bought more than a pack of gum. The lot was not half full. The devil has enough advocates.

        1. Anon on this*

          But who wants to have to hire someone to spend their time tracking who went where, for how long, assessing the proof, judging whether a purchase is legitimate or “good enough,” etc.

          The signs are in the lot to make you aware that you are parking in a private lot and thus subject to their rules, which are also posted.

          I have watched a lot of Parking Wars (love that show!), and I understand Business A’s position. They paid for the property, or to rent it, pay for insurance on the property, pay for the upkeep on the lot (or indirectly through their rent), and now in an apparently higher-volume parking neighborhood (must be, or little need for own parking lot and tow service), they need to have someone available to arbitrate and negotiate whose reasons are acceptable. And that would affect their contract with the tow company, as well — as in, yes, you should patrol our lot for offenders, but we might give the offender a pass, at will, and you’ll lose out on your job and profit.

          However, I also understand Ginger Cat Lady’s thought process and feelings, but that doesn’t make her right. It is an expensive lesson!

          1. GythaOgden*

            Thank you. In property management myself and there are a lot of things that go into dealing with parking concerns. There are rarely enough spaces for colleagues and customers/service users as it is, very few areas to expand parking (no local authority wants their town paved over to become an ocean of cars) and so if people start being belligerent about the rules the system falls apart for the legitimate users. 20 minutes might not feel like a long time but if there were other cars trying to get in, OP is using up a resource that others are paying to reserve for themselves.

            It’s like not taking up a table at lunchtime in a busy cafe with a laptop. Even if you purchase a large lunch, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be allowed to take up a table all afternoon. It’s become a problem, incidentally, because a lot of WFHers use cafes where in-person folks are trying to get a drink on the way to work, and walking in and seeing a large number of people engrossed in their laptops is disheartening in its own way.

            Being mindful and respectful of other people means balancing their needs against your own. We all here understand the nature of social justice, but in order to build a more just society it requires all of us to remember that other people have needs just like our own. Parking may not be something as hot an issue as race or gender, but making the world a better place sometimes involves forgoing our own needs in order to ensure others get equal time and space of their own, and this involves not hogging the available parking when someone else is paying for it to be available to others.

            1. Roland*

              Reframing OP’s situation – where the lot was not full, to be clear – as a social justice faux pas is just absolutely next level.

    9. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      I’d return all the stuff and post about what happened on Yelp.

      This is ridiculously heavy-handed on the part of Store A.

      I think you were caught in a turf warm or Store A (or perhaps just the manager) is getting kickbacks from the company that booted your car.

    10. Solokid*

      return it all! Technically they were right, and technically you can return whatever you’d like (following their return policy of course).

      1. Rara Avis*

        Environmentally it makes a lot more sense to leave the car parked and use your feet if you’re visiting two (or more) stores in close proximity.

        1. Random Bystander*

          Agreed–environmentally, it makes far more sense to park once, shop two stores (especially since it sounds like Store A and Store B are neighbors).

          Technically, based on the signage, the manager of Store A was not wrong. Only on a technicality, though. From any other direction, it does not make sense to be that draconian with a parking lot that is nearly 75% *empty*. Especially if this is truly a small town, Manager A would be out of step with the community and Store A in that location is not going to be in business long.

          Customer service-wise (since Ginger Cat Lady *was* a customer who had spent a substantial amount in Store A), Manager is totally in the wrong.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          No, it’s not, but I’m not online 24/7 and I don’t see every comment.

          It’s also the weekend and I am not a robot.

          If a comment concerns you, please flag it.

    12. Alan*

      Yelp. This isn’t petty, this is providing other people information that they need to know to avoid the same situation themselves. And the store owner will appreciate your posting because it will increase the number of available spaces in his lot. (We have a store like this. They own the property the lot is on so they refuse to let anyone else park there. Their competitor, next door, with nicer people and a better product, has little parking but still manages to have a lot more customers than the people who own the lot. Go figure.)

    13. AnonForThis*

      This is so hard!

      I own a retail business in a super-popular, walkable commercial area with not nearly enough parking. We are lucky enough to have a parking lot attached to our building that is marked for our customers only.

      I never boot or tow folks who park in our lot (because of reactions like this), and I certainly wouldn’t boot someone who had been a customer at my store and popped over to another store. (The businesses in our district work together a lot, so it’s quite the opposite; we’re one of the lucky ones that has parking and we try to “share the wealth” by encouraging folks to shop the whole district.) But people park “illegally” in our lot all the time and it has a very significant impact on our business — even these small ways, like your 18 minutes. Potential customers’ fear of not being able to find parking is the biggest limitation in this district (according to research done by the local business district). 18 minutes is too long for another customer to wait to find parking; they’ll definitely give up before then.

      I’d also guess that the store didn’t call the tow company directly on you. It would be incredibly surprising if a company made it within 18 minutes! I imagine they have them do a sweep every 30/60/180 minutes (or whatever timing makes sense for them) and you just happened to have the bad luck to get caught up in it. (That is: the company rolls through the lot, they check with anyone who is currently in the store, and anyone who isn’t gets a boot.) Once the boot is on, someone has to pay to have it off — do you think the store should pay instead of you?

      So do I think the store behaved well? No. The best version of the kind of hospitality we try to offer would be to apologize and cover the cost for the boot removal. (But, to be honest, that would take a big punch out of the day’s sales at my store! I would offer to pay and would, frankly, hope that the customer would offer to split it our something.) But do they deserve anything other than a reconsideration of whether you’ll support them? No; it’s just the nature of retail in those charming walkable areas we all love so much.

  27. Peri bottles*

    Various people mentioned peri bottles in one of today’s work-questions threads, which I had never heard of. They seem like they would be helpful for personal female hygiene even if you haven’t just had a baby, but on amazon they are all advertised as being for postpartum use. Are they in fact useful as a bidet substitute regardless of your recent reproductive history? Or are they so awkward to use that you’d only use them if you really had to?

    1. Rain*

      Yep! We have a bidet at home, and I’m so used to it that I don’t feel clean without it. So when we travel, I bring an empty one to fill and use at our destination.

    2. Jules the First*

      Yes! I missed my bidet for years after moving to a place that doesn’t have them routinely. I got a peri bottle after my first kid and he’s now 3 but I’m still using the bottle. It’s not quite a bidet, but much better than nothing.