our employees don’t acknowledge the company’s appreciation efforts

by Alison Green on July 21, 2025

A reader writes:

I am a partner at a small (15-person) organization that has transitioned to remote work relatively easily. But, like lots of companies, one of our challenges has been finding ways to make employees feel appreciated and connected while we’re physically apart. We’ve tried a variety of things, including virtual happy hours, extra time off, early bonuses, small fun gifts, gift cards, and funds for happy hour supplies or a meal out. While a handful of employees say thank you every time, more than half never even acknowledge either the bonuses or the gifts.

I enjoy working with this group and feel that we generally have a very friendly office and enjoy each other’s company, but this drives me nuts. My internal monologue keeps saying, “A simple thank you would be nice,” even just occasionally.

For context, the senior team is three people who are late 40’s, early 50s and the rest of the team is younger, but are all experienced professionals. Is this a generational thing? I think calling people out on this would probably backfire, but the longer it goes on the harder it is not to hold a grudge.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 169 comments }

{ 169 comments… read them below }

  1. Chairman of the Bored*

    Any appreciation efforts are effectively a “thank you” to employees.

    The correct response to a “thank you” is not another “thank you”.

    1. TPS reporter*

      I am reminded of Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy, who gives a quick preemptive “you’re welcome” to his IT clients.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      Shout it from the rooftops: a “thank you” does not require a “thank you” in response. Otherwise you end up in an infinite “thank you” loop!

      1. Andrew*

        No, but decorum mandates a “You’re welcome” in response to a “Thank you,” and I don’t think the LW was entirely off-base in being confused and a little irritated by its absence. Have to agree with a few others that it still gives off a mild vibe of entitlement, but nothing like the classic “own goal” letter some compared it to.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Well, a your welcome makes sense when it’s live in the moment. If someone hands you a gift and says “this is a thank you for your hard work on whatever” then it’s clear.
          If a gift card or extra PTO just shows up in your inbox/on your paystub, who are you acknowledging it to? Your manager? The owner? Whoever told you to expect it, if they even did? There’s an inherently difficulty when the thing comes from “the company” if you did want to acknowledge receipt, who do you even do it to? And if the thing is still wrapped in a “this is a thank you to you for…” it still would feel welcome to track down someone for a “you’re welcome”.
          And in the cases of happy hour or a meal out, if it’s something you didn’t want to attend but thought you were being required to do, I can see how it wouldn’t occur to someone to say “thanks for the dinner” or whatever. Just as you wouldn’t generally say thanks after attending a mandatory meeting.

        2. Cj*

          but the LW doesn’t want a “you’re welcome”, they want a thank you for a thank you gift.

        3. H3llifIknow*

          Hmm but an “appreciation gift” from a company feels different than if a manager handed me an envelope with a bonus in it. I’d certainly respond in the moment, but when it’s a company… to whom I address my Thank You and/or You’re Welcome? Does the OP really want every employee to send an email or Thank You card to each member of the leadership team or board or whatever? OP can certainly send an email out saying, “Hey we sent out X, please let me know if you didn’t receive yours,” which would probably elicit some “I did! Thank You!” responses, but I think OP needs to let it go. You appreciate your employees, don’t turn that into unnecessary resentment.

        4. D*

          So the employer gives a “thank you” gift… and the employees are supposed to say “you’re welcome”?

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I think it was Anthony Trollope who warned a fan who’d sent him a letter that every time she did so, she would receive an answer. “When my father got a thank you letter, he thanked the writer for thanking him, and there was no end to the exchange but death.”

        1. March*

          Imagine writing to a highly admired author, them telling you the correspondence would be ongoing until YOU stopped it, and them thinking that was a WARNING? My next letter would be brimming with effusions of gratitude for that most gracious promise of continued interaction!

          1. Lenora Rose*

            But if the mailings are entirely, “I would like to graciously acknowledge your lovely expression of gratitude, and offer my own in return” over and over, rather than real correspondence…

    3. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      THIS right here. This letter is kinda giving “my employee wasn’t respectful enough when we messed up her pay.”

      1. Andrew*

        Can’t dispute that it gives off a bit of that energy, but this is very different. This is the nonverbal equivalent of “boss thanks employee for going above and beyond, doesn’t get the expected ‘you’re welcome.’” That one was more “boss was offended a lowly peon escalated a likely illegal corporate blunder at peon’s expense, after boss’s attempted resolution failed.”

        1. Emily Bembily*

          I think it’s like, the same concept but a matter of degrees. This is a lite version that calls to mind the more extreme version.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            It’s similar in the sense of “how the employer views this exchange and how the employee view this exchange are VERY different, and the employer is wrong about it” but beyond that, not really similar to me.

    4. Distracted Librarian*

      I disagree. When someone gives you something, even as a thank you, it’s polite to thank them. For example, if I’m given a gift for years of service, essentially a thank you for staying with the organization, I still say thank you. I also thank my boss when he recommends me for a raise. Showing appreciation costs nothing and avoids leaving people feeling like they’re wasting their time trying to provide a good experience.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        I suspect the actual reason there are so few “thank yous” is the delivery method. If someone hands me something, I usually say thank you to that person, even if they’re the package delivery person. If my boss tells me that they recommended me for a raise/promotion/bonus, I’ll of course say thank you. If my boss picks up the check for a team lunch, I make sure to thank them.

        If there isn’t a “trigger moment” like being handed the gift, or the right person to thank isn’t there at the trigger moment, I think it’s far less likely that the they’ll be thanked. If I get a bonus or raise and don’t know if my boss recommended me for it–who do I thank? If I’m at a corporate happy hour, I’ll thank the bartender for a drink, but not send a thank-you note to the partners.

        If the LW *really* wants thanks they could go desk-to-desk handing out bonus checks next time and get a bunch of thank-yous.

        1. LL*

          Exactly. If someone handed me a physical cash bonus, I might say thank youyou (but I might not, I think it’s weird to thank my employer for being paid and a bonus is still part of my pay).

          But if it just gets deposited into my account I would never thank anybody because why?

          1. MigraineMonth*

            Yeah, it’s more of a social nicety (like “How are you?” “I’m fine”) than it is a genuine expression of gratitude. It most closely translates to, “I have received thing and don’t have major issues with it, our interaction can end now.”

            I literally have “Thank you” as part of my email signature so people would stop thinking I was too brusque.

        2. allathian*

          I think that’s at the bottom of this. The company went remote “easily” but the LW continues to expect in-person interactions.

          But yeah, expecting thanks for what is essentially compensation for work is a bit much. Do they also expect thanks for the salary being paid on time?

    5. June*

      Employees express appreciation to their employers by coming in every day and doing their job.

  2. Still an Admin*

    I remember this one and I was annoyed on behalf of the employees then and still! But I see why OP fell into the trap of taking a business thing personally. I am sure I have done it too.

    1. Dek*

      Did it have a different title? I was looking for the original post but couldn’t find it.

      2. animaniactoo*

        I tried to post the link for you but I forgot that has to go through moderation.

        Search the site for “virtual happy hour” (with the quotes) and it will come up for you.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      I have a “silent martyr” pattern I sometimes follow where I’ll start doing something because I think it will help someone else, then get frustrated when they don’t thank me. The problem, of course, is that the thing I’m doing often isn’t needed (or wanted) as much as I think and/or that it literally isn’t noticed.

      If you want to be thanked for something, a) you have to make sure people want it, and b) it actually has to be a gift or favor, which are rare in employer/employee relationships.

  3. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    When my boss’s boss handed out gift cards for xmas, I replied “hey, got the gift card. Thanks!” Because she bought them.
    When she handed out gift cards because we got roped into an overtime project (we were paid and also given lunch) I replied. “got the gift card. Very cool of you.” Because it was cool that she went to corporate and said, “my people deserve something for the work they did.”
    I think your team should acknowledge they received the perk of the week/month whatever, because I want to know you got but…You need to stop thinking of these things as gifts.
    This is to make working from home better.
    If they were in the office and you stocked awesome snacks, or had summer hours or some other typical office perk, would you have the same expectation?

    1. anontoday*

      I work in an office that has snacks, and the only person I ever thank is the person who physically orders them and places them in the break room.

      1. Bean Counter*

        As the person in my satellite office who volunteered to take on the snack/supply ordering so our corporate office admin didn’t have to, I appreciate your appreciation ;)

    2. Guacamole Bob*

      If you’re sending a bunch of stuff to people’s homes and they’re never indicating whether or not the items even arrived, I can see that really contributing to the OP’s feelings here.

      If that’s part of it, maybe sending around some sort of “thank you for your work on X, team! Gift cards are being sent out to everyone, let me know if you don’t get them!” might generate a little more back-and-forth acknowledgement? Especially if posted on Teams or Slack or some other place where people can use reaction emojis and reply with comments.

      I agree with Alison’s response that in general you shouldn’t be looking for gratitude for these kinds of employee appreciation things. But if you’re getting so little reaction that you think things are being lost in the mail, I can see nudging a bit.

      1. AngryOctopus*

        If I got that message, I would only respond if I hadn’t gotten something in a week. Some people might post acknowledgment and a thanks, but many wouldn’t in that space either.

      2. Specks*

        Eh, yes and no. Ultimately, we just don’t know what’s going on in employees lives… I’ve definitely been in a place where people’s gifts and having to acknowledge them were a burden, even when I knew they came from a place of love and support. Having to acknowledge work gifts that I neither asked for nor want, maybe, that came from a place of keeping me motivated, would’ve been just exhausting. I know sending a thank you doesn’t take much, but that’s another spoon I currently do not have. So I would’ve mentally marked it as “they’re saying thank you, and I don’t need to say thanks back”. And frankly, I would’ve been annoyed to know somehow some dog and pony show of gratitude is expected.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I hardly think emailing a quick thank you is a dog and pony show. If the boss handed you the gift would you just take it and walk away without saying anything? Probably not. You would say thank you. This is the same thing, and the fact that it’s mailed makes it more important because how will they know it arrived?
          I think sending a message to team that (whatever) gift is in the mail let me know when it arrives might be the best thing. After all, things get lost in the mail all the time and this way company can follow up if it doesn’t arrive.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            But in the scenario you’re responding too, they do let the employees know it’s coming and say to let them know if it doesn’t arrive. Which to me implies they’re not expecting acknowledgement other than in the case of it not arriving.
            Like, it’d be weird to me if my VP literally wanted to get 80 individual “got it, thanks” messages.

          2. Super*

            I think you’re missing that you have a lot a lot of spoons and this person – and most people in Covid – had very few spoons.

      3. LL*

        This is what our director does for our end of year gifts and I’ve never replied to thank her, I just email if I don’t get it.

  4. Hospital PT*

    My former boss (aka worst one in 30 years of working) was so dysfunctional that he had a small following of employee devotees who would defend his toxicity with statements like “You should be grateful to him! He hired you!” Uh, yea, he hired me because A) there was an opening on the staff and B) my expertise greatly served the business… not as a personal favor that I would be infinitely indebted to him for.

  5. Lunch Eating Mid Manager*

    I like Alison’s advice here, the OP can reframe it as, ARE these things appreciated or do we need to change them? Maybe an employee survey would shed some light on making the gestures in a format that would be more meaningful to the employee team.

  6. TQB*

    The only way in which this is generational is that most employees today have a well-honed understanding that they are a commodity, and a fairly fungible one at that. Right now, you want to keep them, but tomorrow you could decide to lay them off and they’ve at the very least watched that happen around them multiple times.

    (You’d likely apologize and offer severance, and they wouldn’t be expected to thank you for that, either.)

    1. Old Crone Worker*

      I agree though sometimes I miss the charade of not being thought of as a commodity.

      1. Ms. Murchison*

        There was a sense of camaraderie at my first professional job. Then management massacred the staff when the recession hit. My last boss in my previous career made my life a living hell when she discovered that a shy introvert couldn’t generate the sense of camaraderie she desired. I view work as strictly an exchange to preserve my sanity.

    2. StressedButOkay*

      The virtual happy hours are, as well, something that might have been nice/fun during the height of COVID but…

      As someone who is fully remote, I have 10 Zoom meetings this week – and that is a low number! The last thing I want after work is another “meeting”, even if work is sending out gift cards for food. It’s on my time and I am Burned Out of talking at my screen.

      1. AngryOctopus*

        Plus virtual happy hours are exhausting in Zoom meeting format. Only one person at a time can really talk. No side conversations. Just people staring at each other and drinking.

        We had them during COVID and it was fine, but we also had fewer than 20 people in the company total, so it didn’t get overwhelming.

        1. Renton*

          We had a few during Covid as well, plus some virtual game nights. They were somewhat fun and decently attended, but the vibe was very meh. Everybody was just so tired by the end of the day that they wanted to disconnect.

          1. Rogue Slime Mold*

            I think during the first emotional body slam of the shutdowns the virtual happy hours were a bit of human connection when there were no other options. It was much less than what we needed, but it was the offer of a little sip of water in the desert. Now there are other options for human contact, so trying to get through an awkward virtual one is much less appealing.

          1. darsynia*

            That is excellent reading, but man I feel bad for the OP of that thread! In retrospect it’s obvious that something was out of whack (no spoilers tho) and once that was adjusted, things slipped more towards normal, but I would be so flabbergasted in their shoes!

    3. Zona the Great*

      That person could learn a lot from this letter and its responses. Few want a non-monetary gift from employers.

      2. Zona the Great*

        Yes. That’s kind of how humans work. Some will like it and many will not. Those who liked it would probably still choose cold hard cash if given the choice. I read the update. OP was misguided.

        1. darsynia*

          When a person gets to the point of throwing things in the garbage and getting upset when they’re fished back out, that person has lost the plot no matter what else is going on.

          1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

            Amen to this! Throwing away perfectly useful items that one does not personally want at the moment is incredibly wastefu,, imo. We’re not talking about trash here. These were new, unused items that would undoubtedly be very useful to somebody. If I didn’t want them, I’d give them away and/or drop them at the Goodwill or another charity.

            Getting mad at the person who pulled the stuff out of the trash was even worse. Next level assholery, in fact. What a colossal jerk!

            1. CV*

              It may be wasteful, but being handed an obligation to pass it along to charity if you don’t want it can be difficult or annoying.

              I don’t want to “not everyone can eat sandwiches!” on this, but if I want to donate something that isn’t clothes to charity, I have to drive 20 minutes to get to a physical charity donation location. (Clothes can go in drop bins around town.)

              1. Mongrel*

                I think the best option would be to just leave it somewhere obvious in the office with a “Help yourself” note on it or in the Managers office, if you want to be more passive-aggressive.

  8. SunshineKittens*

    I often volunteer to pass out company gifts. The majority of people say thanks. It’s possible that they are grateful, but you may not hear about it.

    And I get it. You want your efforts to be recognized. The employees sees the gifts as a company effort and not your effort.

    1. Double A*

      Yes, I will say thank you at the moment I am handed a gift! I will also respond to an email that’s for me specifically because of closing the loop. Or in a Zoom meeting I might comment on the chat a thanks if something is announced. But I would not go out of my way to acknowledge a gift that was mailed or something, or respond to a mass email.

      Kind of like if I went to pick up my paycheck in person, I’d say thanks to the person who handed it to me as a polite recognition of a human interaction, but I don’t email payroll to thank them every two weeks.

      1. Be Gneiss*

        Like going inside the bank and withdrawing money from the bank teller. I’m not thanking them for giving me my own money…I’m saying thank you because that’s how you politely interact with someone. I don’t call the bank to thank them when 8 cents of interest hits my account.

    2. londonedit*

      Yeah…in that scenario I’m not thanking you for the gift itself, I’m thanking you for taking the time to come round and hand the gifts out.

      My boss sends us (just our little team) a small gift at Christmas every year. And that’s something they buy and send themselves – it’s not a company thing. So yes of course I say thank you. But I don’t email the CEO and say thank you for giving us a £15 allowance per head for a department Christmas lunch, because that is a company thing. It’s nice of them to do it, but it doesn’t require a personal thank-you. If for some reason I bump into the CEO and they say ‘I hope you had a nice department Christmas lunch’ then I’ll say oh yes, thank you, we did. Otherwise, no need.

  9. Anya the Demon*

    I agree with Alison 100%. I think you are seeing these as gifts or favors. You wouldn’t expect people to thank you every time they get their pay check or use their health insurance etc.

    I’d also add, the things that made me feel most valued and appreciated as an employee is when the higher-ups listened to my feedback and took any concerns I had seriously, even if it was something small. Fixing “small” inconveniences can change someone’s work experience dramatically, and let them know that you’re really hearing them and that you value their input.

    1. Renton*

      THIS. I’ve had ongoing communication/attitude problems with a colleague for months. When I brought it up to my boss in an effort to have a serious conversation to have it addressed, his response was to send me a coffee shop gift card. I mean, I love coffee. I love having bosses acknowledge and address problems even more.

  10. Lily Potter*

    The LW is a partner at a very small company. The costs for these initiatives comes out of his/her personal profitability – that’s why s/he feels owed a personal thank you. If the LW was a director at a Fortune 500 company with a “employee bonus” line in their department budget, I doubt that they’d much care about gratitude.

    1. AnnieG*

      And the profit generated by the employees’ work goes directly to the LW and the other partners. It’s all a business deal–employees sell their work for money, and if the employer also periodically gives them a gift card or lets them leave an hour early on a sunny Friday to keep them happy it’s because it’s in the best interest of the company, not because they’re friends.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Oh, noes! A business owner is discovering that operating expenses, like employee retention initiatives, cuts into their short-term profit taking!

      Whatever shall we do?

      If they are spending more than they’re making and it isn’t worth it long-term to the business, they should stop doing it instead of complaining about the employees being insufficiently grateful.

    3. Kella*

      I mean, sure, but so do office supplies. I doubt OP is expecting a thank you for keeping the printer stocked. What it comes down to is what Alison said: The motivation for these morale initiatives is *still* profit, even if the “resource” you’re providing isn’t a physical one. OP is investing in their own future profit.

  11. Czhorat*

    The owner needs to remember one thing: the company isn’t doing this for the employees. They’re doing it for the company.

    Any “make work better” thank incentives and thank you gifts are for the purpose of retention and better productivity.

    Did your employees not quit en masse? That’s your thank you.

    1. Ally McBeal*

      Exactly my thoughts. The thank-you gifts are retention initiatives and the “seasoned professionals” LW hired know it.

  12. Pam Adams*

    I’m not thanking you for my paycheck or vacation time either. I’m selling you my labor and you’re paying me.

  13. BW*

    I’m the person who always says “Thank you” to my boss if I got a bonus or a raise. However, except for the early bonus and the extra time off, none of your other “gifts” appeal to me at all. It would be more of a “Thanks for nothing” thank you. And, “Why didn’t you ask me what I’d like instead of wasting your money on something I’m not going to use.”

    1. Ray B Purchase*

      I agree. A virtual happy hour, particularly if held outside of office hours, is the least appealing work event I can think of. And I am someone who usually enjoys in-person social events at work.

      More generally, as a non-drinker, I find that work appreciation gifts and events are often pretty heavily alcohol-centered so gratitude from me would look like “Cool, thank you for the chore of finding somebody to give this bottle of wine or corksicle to…”

    2. Desert Rat*

      Back when I worked for private companies, my job often put me in the meeting where higher-ups were determining what to order as employee gifts. Water bottles? Portable phone chargers? Yet another company-branded t-shirt? I always felt too low-level to speak up and say, “Maybe you can give us the day after Thanksgiving off as a paid holiday? Or heck, even a gift card?”

      They only spent $25-35 per employee, but that still added up to nearly $15k spent on junk that the majority of employees donated to Goodwill or threw away. What else could have been done with that money?

      1. BW*

        Oh, you’re giving me flashbacks. The first company I worked for gave us each a $20 gift certificate to the most expensive department store in town. $20 bought nothing in that store, so you had to pony up a lot of money just to use the gift certificate there. People complained. So the next year we each got one of those catalogs where you could pick your own gift. Each person was told which page of the catalog they could pick from, since there were different money levels of the gifts. Everything listed was a useless piece of junk. I think I got a plastic compass for the dashboard of my car. That was the most useful thing listed, and I didn’t use it. So much money wasted on gifts that nobody wanted.

        1. allathian*

          Ha, at least in my jurisdiction, company gifts have to be the same value for every employee to be tax deductible for the company, and no more than 100 euros in value. More than that counts as taxable income for the employee.

      2. CV*

        $30 could pay for one person’s lunch down the street (on their own time) — definitely better than a water bottle with the company name on it.

        I don’t know why it’s so difficult for managers to understand that the best gift is money or the equivalent. I doubt they would prefer a water bottle for themselves, after all.

  14. RagingADHD*

    I think LW needs to consider whether they are giving employees a token of appreciation, or another obligation / task on top of their existing workload. IME, many employee engagement efforts are a pretty transparent attempt to get employees to either do work stuff without getting paid for their time, or turn reasonable workloads into unreasonable ones to make time for the extra activities. “This virtual happy hour could have been an email,” as it were.

    Extra time off and bonuses are great and clearly don’t fall into that category, but as Alison points out, one doesn’t normally thank leadership for your compensation. Anything over and above the legal / contractual requirement is the company’s investment in employee retention. In order for a company to stay in business, the employees are always, *always* providing more value than they are receiving. Even with bonuses. You’d go bankrupt otherwise.

    If there is a generational divide, it’s that more employees seem to be aware of this math now.

    If leadership wanted to roll all the budget for these “appreciations” into raises across the board, the staff could acknowledge it once and be done with it. And if there isn’t enough in the budget to do that, maybe these gestures are worth a lot less than you think they are.

  15. JelloStapler*

    Methinks you are getting a little too invested in getting recognition for thanking your employees.

    1. JelloStapler*

      Additionally, more forced time with colleagues outside of office hours is not a reward, unless it occurs during regular hours and you know your team enjoys socializing. However, it’s not a Zoom meeting.

    2. MrsGreenJeans*

      This, exactly. If you’re thanking the employees expecting positive feedback, you’re not really thanking employees, you’re feeding your ego.

  16. learnedthehardway*

    Perhaps they are NOT grateful, and would prefer something else – like higher salaries?

    1. Zona the Great*

      Yep. I’m never grateful for Things. I’d rather have the $5 spent, to be honest. I used to provide a service to very rich people. 9 out of 10 tipped in shit like banana breads. Gee thanks.

      1. Kaiko*

        I read this like someone POOPED in your BANANA BREAD and was very sad for you for a moment.

        2. knitted feet*

          Whereas I initially read “shit-like banana breads” and was like… damn, banana bread is the easiest thing to make, how’d they screw it up that badly?

    2. Czhorat*

      It also depends on the value of the gift and the value to the employee.

      If I don’t like to order food a Doordash gift card won’t do much for me.

      If I’m earning 120K/year then a free lunch may be nice, but the impact is underwhelming.

      If I’m on a diet then a pizza party might be an unwelcome temptation.

      If I have an alcohol problem then a bottle of wine is really bad.

      Etc, etc.

      This doesn’t mean “never do anything nice” but it does mean that you don’t always know why something didn’t land the way you’d hoped, and something that is really appreciated by 1 coworker is useless or even unpleasant to another.

  17. Galvanic*

    I don’t think an occasional thank you is out of bounds. If a boss never said thank you to one of their workers for, eg, doing a project well, or meeting a deadline, I don’t think we’d respond to the employee feeling a bit put out by saying “that’s what you’re getting paid for. You’re in a business relationship.”

    1. Silver Robin*

      But we have, in fact, gotten folks who feel uncomfortable with a boss who says “thank you” because “I am just doing what you pay me for, the thanks is my paycheck” and they do not know how to respond / wish their boss would just stop.

      Advice for those folks is that it is meant as a low stakes acknowledgement of their humanity and their agency in choosing to do the job to standard/well, so it should be treated as such. No major response expected.

      We can easily flip this: sure, management is collectively saying thank you with all these initiatives so saying thanks back is weird, but somebody (LW) actually had to put in the work to arrange it, which the beneficiaries are not acknowledging. I do wonder if LW is getting *any* feedback at all, because I can definitely see a logic of “well, clearly they all like it as nobody is complaining so could they at least say something??”. But Alison is right, LW should reframe this and seek out feedback themselves to ensure that the non-monetary stuff is as appreciated as they assume it is so they can adjust as necessary.

      1. Galvanic*

        “low stakes acknowledgement of their humanity and their agency”

        Exactly! It’s entirely low stakes and that’s why I’m reacting to the BUT CAPITALISM answers.

        “I’m not thanking you because this is entirely a business relationship, in which you pay me for my labor and time. That’s all. Holding the door open for me was just a way for you to make sure I got to work on time to further your business’ interests.”

      2. Amber*

        I had a federal job with a whole lot of PETER principle. I was straight out of academia and didn’t understand the government. They didn’t like me because I pointed out obvious things that needed to be corrected, and I didn’t like them because my boss was extremely averse to any hint of confrontation or honestly normal human interaction. She would thank me PROFUSELY for doing basic things, or go on and on about how great a basic thing I did was. It was condescending and I hated it.

        Don’t thank me for doing my job. Treat me with respect.

    2. Be Gneiss*

      I would trade 10 bosses who said “thank you” for one boss who listened to my concerns, or went to bat for me in a dispute, or made sure I didn’t get interrupted or talked over during a discussion, or gave me some background on how/why a decision was made, or who pointed out my work on a project to the higher-ups. All of those would make me feel like my contributions were valued, much more than a thank you.

    3. RagingADHD*

      No, it’s not out of bounds. It’s nice to be nice, and thanking people for things is nice.

      But it is unproductive for an employer to get frustrated about the employees not performing appreciation for their appreciation in they way they want to see it. It is more productive to a) remember that putting employees under additional obligations isn’t necessarily a good thing for the culture, and b) consider how these efforts are landing, and if something different might actually make the employees feel appreciated.

      Just like if an employee never, ever got positive feedback from their boss, they should consider whether maybe they aren’t doing as good a job as they thought. Sure, maybe the boss is just toxic. But LW says their employees otherwise seem to get along and there’s a generally positive atmosphere.

      So maybe their expectations are out of alignment, or maybe they aren’t succeeding in their efforts.

      1. Alan*

        I like this because I think you found the line between “thanking is weird” and “they owe me thanks”. I thank my supervisors for everything they do: bonuses, free lunches, telling me to leave early, whatever, mostly because they’re *people* and *people* like to be appreciated. That said, if one of them said “Why didn’t you thank me for ?” I would feel weird.

        1. RagingADHD*

          And that’s the same as in social interactions, actually. Should you write a thank you note for a wedding present? Absolutely, you should.

          But when Aunt Mavis starts asking your mom why she didn’t get a thank you note, you start feeling hinky about Aunt Mavis.

    5. MrsGreenJeans*

      The problem here is that they want thank yous for something that is supposed to be a thank you. And that it’s “driving (op) nuts” to not get it.
      This isn’t about an occasional thank you. This is about an employer who is keeping track of who is or isn’t adequately performing gratitude.
      But let’s go with your flip-the-situation analogy. Should an employee say things like “we generally have a very friendly office and enjoy each other’s company, but this drives me nuts” and “the longer it goes on the harder it is not to hold a grudge” when the boss doesn’t say thank you every single time?
      When you give a wedding gift and they send a thank you, do you send a thank you for the thank you? And then expect a thank you for the thank you for the thank you? When does the insanity end?
      Ultimately, OP here is not trying to make employees feel appreciated. They are trying to make employees feel grateful to them.

      1. Galvanic*

        “But let’s go with your flip-the-situation analogy. Should an employee say things like “we generally have a very friendly office and enjoy each other’s company, but this drives me nuts” and “the longer it goes on the harder it is not to hold a grudge” when the boss doesn’t say thank you every single time?”

        (It’s not every single time — the LW says a lot of people never say thanks). Yes, I would be frustrated if I had a manager who never took a moment to say “thank you for getting that report in,” “thanks for working well with the outside group,” etc. I *know* it’s part of my job and that I’m getting paid for it, but human kindness is not necessarily eliminated by that truth.

        “When you give a wedding gift and they send a thank you, do you send a thank you for the thank you? And then expect a thank you for the thank you for the thank you? When does the insanity end?”

        I don’t agree that the activities/gifts constitute a “thank you” so I don’t think that the analogy holds.

        1. MrsGreenJeans*

          OP specifically claims they want employees to “feel appreciated” but then complains that the appreciation is not appreciated. It holds.

            1. allathian*

              It does in my view. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

              That said, it’s not all black and white here. I’ve thanked my boss for lots of things, including for just doing her job: positive feedback for a job well done because I appreciated that she took the time to say so, corrective feedback that helped me do better the next time because I want to do my job well and prevent mistakes, advocating for professional training even when times are tough, and having our backs when the C-suite has unrealistic expectations on my team. I always thank my manager for doing these things that are a part of her job because I’ve been working various jobs for 37 years, and I don’t take having a great boss for granted.

              Managers are human and no doubt appreciate being appreciated. But I’d hate to have a manager who expected thanks for simply doing their job and who’d pout or sulk if they didn’t get it.

      2. Silver Robin*

        I genuinely think the scale is the thing here. This is a small organization, LW likely has individual (work) relationships with the folks who are getting these perks so it feels a lot more personal. It, in fact, feels like the lack of acknowledgement after completing their part of a project or whatever. Or, perhaps, nobody saying thank you to the office manager who put together the company party.

        So I do wonder how many people know it is LW doing all the work to distribute these perks. If the announcement or delivery is relatively anonymous “on behalf of management”, then nobody is going to say thank you because there is no individual to say that to and replying to an email with all of management copied or calling out a thank you in the meeting probably feels too public/performative.

        Even if they do know LW is the one arranging all of this, thanks are going to be minimal, even more so if there is no organic way to express it.

        Lastly, the only folks who probably *should* thank LW are the partners or boss who asked LW to arrange all of this. Because it is a work assignment. Most of the stuff I do does not get a thank you from my team (and I regularly do fun stuff for them and we do actually all like each other and the activity!). I get my thanks from the managers of my team and my direct supervisors, because they are the ones who assign those tasks to me.

  18. DCer*

    The “thank you” for the gift is them continuing to work for you and you not having to go through the headache and expense of replacing them.

  19. Tradd*

    I work in a small office. Occasionally the office manager says on Thursday, “hey, what do you think about pizza [or other food] and salad for Friday?”

    For the folks that don’t want non-monetary stuff from your employer, would you refuse?

    And if you took it, would you refuse to say thank you?

    1. Czhorat*

      Honestly? I’d rather eat a sandwich at my desk and spend my lunch break juggling in the park; “free” food from the company takes away my free time, especially in the summer when it’s nice outside.

    2. Dulcinea47*

      I don’t think people are getting a choice in LW’s scenario. Which is normal. I’ve never worked in a place where people get asked “do you want a pizza party?” You just get told “There will be pizza on Wednesday.”

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I am not somebody who objects to non-monatary stuff but I don’t think it’s about refusing to say thank you. More that a thank you isn’t required for what is, essentially, compensation. If I happened to see the manager, I might say thank you, but it’s not something I’d likely go out of my way to do any more than I would go out of my way to thank them for my salary or they would go out of their way to thank me for doing my job.

      Heck, I bring in chocolates or biscuits for my coworkers every so often and sometimes people thank me, but a lot of people don’t even know who brought them and I certainly don’t expect thanks.

    5. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      I’m certainly not going to turn down lunch on the company’s dime, assuming it’s something I can eat. But no, I wouldn’t say thank you.
      And if I did, who would I be thanking? It would be very, very strange (in my experience) for an office manager to buy everybody lunch out of their own money – they’d be putting it on the company card or taking it out of petty cash. Which makes sense: it’s exactly the same sort of general morale-building business expense that office managers are responsible for day in and day out.
      On the other hand, if I make a specific request (stocking the good pens, for example) and the office manager is able to come through, I absolutely thank them.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Good point on how going out of your way to address something that would improve my work day is exactly the sort of thing for which I’d say thank you.

      2. Dulcinea47*

        I might thank the office manager for arranging it. It’s unlikely that I’ll thank the Dean (insert equivalent top manager) even tho the pizza party invitation comes from her office.

        1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

          Yes, please thank the admin/office manager/etc. who arranges the meals. That can be a lot of work if they have to do it all the time or arrange multiple meals for different groups, and can be fairly complicated with dietary needs, trying to make timing work, room availability, etc. Also, clean up after yourself! (PSA from former admin.)

          1. Amber*

            This is part of thier job descriptin tho, yes? Why do you need to be thanked for doing the basics of your job?

            1. knitted feet*

              Well, do you like going unacknowledged when you put in a real effort at a part of your job that impacts other people? When I send someone something they needed, I tend to get a thanks in reply. Why’s that too much to expect when the ‘something they needed’ was lunch?

            2. avocadont*

              Because part of the social contract between humans is that it’s polite and considerate to express appreciation when someone does something that helps you

      3. Turquoisecow*

        I’ve gotten free lunch at work and I usually say thanks as I’m picking up the food, more to thank the individual who ordered the food, organized the event, sent an email telling us the food was there (who is sometimes but not always the same person who paid for it and is sometimes but not always the boss). If it was actually a boss several levels above me whom I didn’t physically see? I wouldn’t go out of my way to track them down or call or email them to say thanks.

        I got a visa gift card from my company as a 5 year anniversary gift, mailed to me along with a note from the COO about the reason for the card. If he’d handed it to me in the office, I would have said thanks, but that’s more just an automatic thing when someone gives you something, not appreciation for the actual thing. But since it was mailed, I didn’t send a thank you email or anything like that. Also, the card is a type of thank you, no need to say thanks for a thank you.

      4. allathian*

        When my team was smaller and my then-boss treated us to lunch in the company cafeteria on her own dime, I absolutely thanked her. If we’re doing a development day with a catered lunch that my current manager charges to her company card, I won’t thank her for the lunch, although if it was exceptionally good I might say something in the feedback survey.

    6. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I’d probably say “Sure, sounds good.” But I don’t think I would say thank you–my feeling reading this isn’t “OM is doing me a personal favor out of kindness, using their own money, and I need to show gratitude for this display of noblesse oblige.” It’s more “Free food is something people often enjoy, and the company is paying for it, so occasional pizza Friday makes sense.”

    8. fhqwhgads*

      I’d be kind of confused? Ignoring for the moment that I’m never in the same room as coworkers, if they said something like “hey what do you think about (some food) for Friday?” I’d ask if there were a working lunch I was unaware of, or possibly I’d say something like “did you poll people’s dietary restrictions?” etc. It would in no way occur to me that this was intended to be a “thank you” or a gift. I’d be confused why they were asking me what I thought, and be concerned they were under the impression I was involved in planning whatever it was.
      If it were a working lunch, no I wouldn’t say thank you because it’s on them to feed us if they’re making us work through lunch. If it were meant as some sort of “thank you lunch”, when I was in office I’ve never experienced one of those where people were even in the room together. The pizzas were in the breakroom. People could go grab some. You’d have to go find somebody in order to thank them, and even then, it’d feel a little weird because the food isn’t a personal gift from a person, it’s a corporate thing from the company. So thanking the person who happened to order feels weird too.

      1. Christine*

        I mean…honestly, it’s just a quick suggestion for pizza (or whatever) and salad. Happens all day long across the land, so I don’t understand reading any more into it than that. I doubt a “thank you” is even on the person’s mind.

    9. lookitsme*

      I would thank the office manager for taking the time to buy the pizza. But if the owner was somebody who worked in the office, I would not thank them for the pizza, unless they were the one who actually went and got it. It’s different from taking people out to a meal, although if you’re working through the meal, I don’t particularly feel the need to say thank you then, either.

  20. but why*

    This is like how my organization encourages employees to post about how they use their PTO in the company intranet. I’m sure it’s well intentioned but it feels to me like a gratitude grab, like your supposed to be grateful for the opportunity to take time off.

    1. Forsooth*

      The ugly truth is that I use way too much of my PTO physically recovering from the effects of the stress of my job so that I can turn around and go back to work. (But you can’t really post that.)

    2. Jaydee*

      Also, this seems kind of tone deaf about the fact that not all uses of PTO are for exciting vacations or fun hobbies and home projects. “Spent the week moving mom to assisted living!” just doesn’t hit the same as “Just got back from a week at the beach with my family!” or even “Took Friday off and surprised the kids with a trip to the zoo – my 2 year old was fascinated by the giraffes!”

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        Ha, I’m not quite petty enough to say “had a colonoscopy!” but hey, that was a recent PTO day.

  21. Admin Amber*

    Please stop forced socializing socializing outside of company hours. It makes people resentful and many have family obligations after their work day/scheduled hours are done. Those often don’t feel like rewards when you have to extend your workday, but now you are at a bar or restaurant.

    2. Silver Robin*

      Where does it say forced? I understand that these things can be quietly required but that is not always the case and we have no reason to assume it is here. To me this LW reads as having provided a wide variety of things so that different preferences are covered, after also including pay and time off!

  22. Parrhesia25*

    While the LW seems to mostly be concerned about a lack of thanks, there is a real possibility that some of these morale boosters did not land as intended. In my experience that is often the case, either because the employer didn’t ask what the employees wanted or because they were trying to paper over serious issues with games and trinkets. I didn’t see the original letter but it sounds like it was probably written in 2020. Some of the things the LW suggested would not have appealed to me in the before-times (but I would have been gracious) and their 2020 versions would have been absolutely painful.

  23. Nancy*

    All those things you list are part of working at your organization and aren’t different from any other benefit, in my opinion.For some of those, do people even want them? I didn’t think virtual happy hours were fun in 2020, I know I wouldn’t want one now.

  24. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

    Words are cheap and Management are people, too. A quick “thank you” costs little and has tremendous potential RoI.

    At least that’s my philosophy and experience. YMMV.

    1. CzechMate*

      Yes, agreed. It’s not that thanks are NECESSARY, but they can be very political. I always thank the managers at my work when they do things like this, but more like, “I recognize that this was an additional Thing To Organize on top of the other Things You Have To Organize and as a manager you probably don’t ever get acknowledged for doing your job well.” It’s the same reason I thank people for doing their normal job duties, like transferring me a call from the front desk or doing a report I asked for. Technically no thanks are needed, but it helps you build allies in the workplace.

      1. Antilles*

        I’m with you. OP shouldn’t be offended there’s no thanks coming, but on the employee side? I am 100% suggesting they give a quick thank you because it helps management feel appreciated and like you.
        Because I’ve found that if I spend that 30 seconds on a quick Teams message or email, they are far more willing to go to bat for me when I need it for something important.

        1. Amber*

          I understand the wisdom of what you are saying, but I bristle at the idea that I have to manage the ego of someone making more money than me.

    2. MrsGreenJeans*

      Sure. And if Alison were advising the employee receiving the gift, that may have been the advice.
      But she’s advising a manager who’s tracking whether or not employees perform gratitude to him, so the advice is different.

    3. Busy Middle Manager*

      Absolutely. People bend themselves into pretzels to warrant not saying thank you. Thank you, if nothing else also means “acknowledging I got it”

      I will say though, to OP, just make sure your gifts are practical. Sometimes these gift cards are awkward amounts that don’t actually cover the full cost of anything substantial, so you end up out of pocket for something you don’t really want. And the codes and setting up online accounts and having money left over you don’t know what to do with are sort of annoying.

      But I still say thanks!

  25. mreasy*

    I am often the person who organizes our office’s get-togethers, because nobody can be bothered to. I actually feel uncomfortable when I am thanked at the end of an event, because improving company culture is part of my job, and it’s something the company should be doing to acknowledge its staff. They don’t need to thank the company for paying or me for setting it up, and I want them to know that.

    1. mreasy*

      (To be clear everyone likes them because they’re like, free lunch during the work day or leaving an hour early to get drinks, all of which is optional – I know people here Have Feelings about how offensive it is to even be asked to socialize with one’s coworkers, but in the case of our office, they are genuinely asked-for and well-liked activities.)

    2. Lily Potter*

      Interesting – when I was working in a larger office, I made a point of thanking the people who organized company parties & get togethers. Never thought that I’d be offending anyone. There was typically a “planning committee” for such things, comprised of people who actually enjoy arranging them. Personally, I hate party planning, so I’m grateful to the people willing to step up to the plate and do the work to make it happen. Did the party costs come personally out of their pocket? No. Was most of the planning done on company time? Yes. Still – these folks volunteered to organize something fun for the group, so I thanked them for their efforts.

      2. allathian*

        I think there’s a difference between thanking someone for simply doing their job, which many people find uncomfortable and unnecessary, and thanking them for voluntarily doing something extra, even if they did it on company time and enjoyed doing it.

    3. Busy Middle Manager*

      For a party planner, I don’t think a literal thank you is warranted, but don’t you like feedback? “The food was good” or someone complimenting the drinks selection or game choice or location or something?

      1. Silver Robin*

        Yeah, I said this in an earlier comment but I do wonder if this is kind of a lack of feedback issue. LW tried to do something that people would enjoy and literally does not know either way whether it was appreciated or not. If one assumes that complaints are more likely to be voiced and hears none, I can see a situation where LW assumes everyone likes the perks (no complaints) and then is upset that nobody could be bothered to acknowledge that they got a thing they liked.

        The solution there, though, is exactly what Alison said: actively solicit genuinely curious feedback to see if things are landing as presumed. Maybe they are! And then LW gets the satisfaction of knowing they did well. Maybe they are not! And then LW gets to adjust and if folks see that adjustment being made, they are more likely to say thanks because LW actually listened to them! The gratitude will be real!

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this. The thing is that the request for feedback has to be genuinely curious and the LW has to be genuinely willing to accept that the employees don’t feel appreciated by what the LW’s doing.

        2. c*

          Completely agree! I can see how it’s difficult to do this in a 15-person company. Maybe this is my “Midwest nice” training talking, but as an event planner for small and large groups, I have learned to read between the lines of what is mentioned positively, what is mentioned negatively, and what is not mentioned at all. Especially if you’re in a position power, people may not offer their unbridled opinions, even if you promise anonymity. Also, you’ve got to have some ability to read the room and sense whether people are actually having fun or just counting the minutes until they can leave.

  26. AnnieG*

    My boss gives our team very small (less than $5 per person) perks a couple of times a year because then she gets to feel generous and like a good manager. it’s clear that her motivation isn’t to do something nice for us; it’s to feel good about herself. don’t be this way.

  27. WaffleParty*

    I worked for a company that sent random gifts to the entire workforce at regular intervals. It was one of the more delightful aspects of my career. I always sent a thank you note through my manager or HR. I then got a call stating this was not necessary. The company wanted us to feel appreciated.

    So from one who was actually in this situation, the flow is down and out to the staff as a measure of goodwill. Don’t expect thanks!

  28. Forsooth*

    I’m a federal worker. Fairly often we might be let go from work early on the day before a holiday weekend. The only real gift I can think of is that they handed out ice cream bars a couple of years ago. It seemed like puny thanks for working in a pretty awful work environment although we are paid decently.

  30. lookitsme*

    Of the things OP’s work has done, it’s likely most of the employees only appreciated the early bonus, and you don’t thank your employer for paying you, no matter the context.

    Of the other things on the list:

    virtual happy hours — this is work and I consider it punishment vs. regular work

    extra time off — that’s nice, but not critical for professionals who get a reasonable amount of vacation (especially if they can’t always use it all and it maxes out). In any event, vacation days are like salary– they are pay and you don’t thank your employer for paying you.

    small fun gifts — almost nobody wants these and even those who do, most would prefer the cash value

    gift cards — y’know what I like more than $100 I can spend at Amazon? $100. In any event, if it’s money, then it’s pay and I’m not saying thank you for being paid.

    funds for happy hour supplies or a meal out — this would make me angry and consider looking for a new job. A gift card is one thing, but I HATE the “reimbursement for spending money the way we want you to.” $50 if I prove to you I bought happy hour supplies? Good lord. Hard pass.

    1. allathian*

      Indeed.

      Virtual happy hours: painful at best, a very poor substitute for the real thing. In-person happy hours can be fun, but I only enjoy free socializing with coworkers, and that doesn’t require any organizing beyond “let’s go to X venue after work for drinks and socializing.” Organized activities like pub quizzes, bingo, or (horrors) karaoke? No thanks.

      I’m not in the US and I work for the government in a unionized environment. We get more perks than US government workers do, like free coffee and end of the year parties, but not even the head of my agency could give me extra time off (but I have plenty already). Individual raises are tiny, one percent is typical, unless they involve a promotion to the next salary band.

      Thankfully gift cards or reimbursements for spending money on mandatory virtual fun have never been a thing in my org (I was 100% remote until October 2022, now I go to the office about once a week).

      I still attend the completely optional weekly virtual coffee breaks of my department if I WFH that day, but if I go to the office I prefer socializing in the break room.

  31. Jenn*

    My former boss refused to use direct deposit because he wanted to make us wait until 8 pm every week to hand them out and we could THANK HIM for paying us. You can imagine what his management was like.

  32. Incredulous*

    I think this once again proves that Return to Work actions are about serving the ego of Sr Leadership NOT because its good for the company or the employees. They thrive in an environment where theyre “boss” and how can they be “boss” people dont acknowledge them daily. He’s trying to buy that validation off them.

  33. Despachito*

    Are you sure your employees appreciate your efforts (however well meant)?

    I can for example imagine getting gifts or food may be rather annoying (where do I put all the trinkets? what do I do with that bag of nuts I do not like?)

    And I would also see it like a “thank you” from the company to me, and see no need to thank for that.

  34. This is one of my hot buttons*

    I utterly loathe being expected to be grateful.

    It’s great the LW is making the effort to gruntle the employees, especially when bonuses and PTO come in. To echo what’s been said, though, the company is doing this to help their bottom line. Retention is cheaper than losing productivity when someone leaves and then there’s the hiring, onboarding, and training.

  35. Thank you, Next*

    Oooph y’all. You can type paragraphs here, but you can’t shoot out a quick “Thanks” on Teams? Yikes.

    1. c*

      My org is large enough that it would be really strange to send a Teams message to anyone with enough power to make these decisions. Of course, I thank my boss for advocating for me, but I’m not familiar enough with leadership to out-of-the-blue send a “thanks” on Teams.

  36. c*

    I feel really validated by Allison’s response. I am someone who LOVES sending thank-you notes – for gifts, for small acts of kindness, for long-term mentorship. However, there are two instances where I’ve been offended at the suggestion that I need to say thank you at work (at nonprofits, no less). The first is when I was given my first raise. I was an entry level worker making barely enough to live on at a small org where the CEO was one of the highest paid individuals in the area – well over 7 figures). Looking back, they should have been thanking me for staying so long! The second was at my next job, where we were given a small and unexpected bonus (like, $150 per person). I was better paid there, but the bonus was framed as “everyone did such a great job in serving our clients this year, and we want to thank you for your efforts.” Being voluntold to sign a “thank you” e-card for our bonuses really lessened the meaning of the bonus for me. The bonus seemed to say that as a team, we had done good work … but being told to kiss he rings of the C-suite really took away from the meaning they said they were trying to impart.

    I have no problem saying thank you to someone for organizing an event or extending kind words. But monetary compensation is earned.

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