my friends think they’re doing me a favor by giving me business … but they’re not

by Alison Green on October 28, 2025

A reader writes:

I ran a catering business on the side for a while, in addition to my regular job. I don’t do it much anymore, but on occasion I do still take paid jobs, usually for past clients. It’s a way to make some extra money and I enjoy the work.

Since my friends know I still do this, it’s not uncommon for them to ask me to do catering work for their own events (parties, kids’ birthdays, etc.). This would be fine except that I can tell they think they’re doing me a favor by giving me their business, and they aren’t! I have enough of the work coming in through regular channels that I’m not really looking for more work.

It’s thoughtful of them to want to pay me (at least I don’t have the problem of them expecting I’ll do it for free) but most of the time I would much rather have my weekend free than spend it making appetizers for someone else’s party.

When a regular client approaches me about a job I’d rather not do, it’s easy to just say that I’m booked for that time period. And I guess technically I could say that to a friend, too, but often these are people I’m close enough to that they know I’m not filling up my time with catering jobs that way (and I wouldn’t want to have to keep track of the lie to make sure that I don’t mention something else I did that weekend when I had said I’d be “catering”).

Also, jobs for friends are usually the ones that end up being a lot more customized so it’s more work for me, on top of the fact that I usually give them a discount because they’re friends (which is fully my choice; I know they’d pay full price if I asked for it).

How do I tell people, “I appreciate you thinking it’s a favor to throw business my way, but I’d actually rather you didn’t”?

I know one option is that I could just say I’m not catering for friends at all anymore, but I’m still up for doing it if they really actively want my food. If I’m the caterer they’d most want for this particular event, even if we didn’t know each other, great. I just want them to stop thinking they “should” give me the business because we’re friends.

Can you tell your friends that you’re actively trying to take on fewer catering jobs? That sounds like it’s the truth, and it’s information they don’t have.

You can mention that in casual conversation as you’re catching up on each other’s lives, but you can also mention it when someone approaches you about catering for them. For the latter, you could say, “I’m actually trying to take on fewer catering jobs, so unless there’s something specific I prepare that you really want, please don’t feel you need to offer me the business — I’m trying to cut back on jobs, rather than adding more.” That opens the door for them to say, “I was really hoping you’d make your famous stuffed zucchini because I love it so much” and for you then to decide if you’re up for taking the job or not (since you mentioned you might want to do it under those circumstances), while moving things out of the “favor” framing.

Or, if you’d really prefer not to do it at all, that’s okay too! You can say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I’m cutting back on catering so I have more weekends free.”

It also might help to have other caterers you can refer them to — “I’m cutting back on how much catering I’m doing, but Caterer X and Y are really great at that kind of party if you want to try them.”

It sounds like everyone has great intentions here; you just need to give them more information so they’re not working off of the wrong set of assumptions and assuming you’d be grateful for the business.

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{ 80 comments }

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  1. B*

    Tell them proactively you aren’t wanting the work; don’t wait until they ask you to handle a specific event.

    1. Popinki*

      This. People don’t know what you don’t tell them. Just let them know as soon as possible so they can make other arrangements for any events they might have coming up. I’d think a quick email or FYI next time you talk to them should do it.

    2. Sam I Am*

      Exactly. No need for subterfuge or even subtlety. Just be honest! “I’m trying to cut back on my catering work, but X and Y are great options.” If these are events you would still be invited to if you weren’t catering, you can also say you’re specifically cutting back on catering for friends because you want to be able to enjoy their special events as a guest.

    3. a clockwork lemon*

      I think LW is reading a little more closely into the intentions of their friends than is necessary. Catering is a very specific thing, and there’s a huge variance in quality between vendors. I’m not hiring someone to cater my party out of the kindness of my heart, I’m doing it because I need a caterer. My friends always end up being top of mind because they’re known quantities and I don’t have to spend any time evaluating other options.

      If someone told me outright that they were sick of catering events and wanted to stop doing it, I wouldn’t ask anymore. But, like, they’d have to tell me in order for me to stop asking.

      1. Saturday*

        Right, unless there’s more to go on, I wouldn’t assume people are thinking they’re doing LW a big favor. It seems more likely they’re thinking, “I need a caterer, my friend is a caterer, win/win!”

    4. BigLawEx*

      Please do this. I could see myself NOT making other plans with caterers who may have booked up. As your friend, I wouldn’t take it personally at all. I’d be happy that you’re happy with free weekends – and maybe you would come to my party as a guest!

  2. Zephy*

    Regarding saying you’re not available some weekend and then having to keep track of the lie: “not available to cater your party” isn’t automatically followed by “because I’m catering someone else’s party” – you’re allowed to just….not be available then, no need to worry about “accidentally” revealing that you weren’t catering that weekend. Especially if they aren’t also inviting you to attend as a regular guest, but it wasn’t clear from the letter if that is the case.

    1. MsM*

      Yeah, you can still say you have other commitments during that time without needing to specify that they’re work commitments. No one else needs to know that said commitment is hanging out in your PJs catching up on your favorite shows.

      1. nnn*

        I took that to mean that they want to avoid something like: LW tells friend they’re busy that weekend, then that weekend rolls around and LW forgets they said that and texts the friend “hey, I’m not going anything this weekend, want to hang out?”

        1. ian*

          Isn’t that pretty easily explained by saying “Oh I did have something at the time you asked but now I don’t and by the time the other thing fell through there wasn’t time for me to cater your event”? Assuming they even ask.

          1. metadata minion*

            This doesn’t seem like a situation where lying is necessary — the truth is straightforward and inoffensive.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Yeah, no need to do that. All OP has to say is that they’re cutting it way down so they can have their weekends back.

          2. Owl*

            You can avoid all of this drama and lying by just being honest and using the script Alison suggested. No one is going to be offended by a friend saying they’re trying to cut back on the hours they work.

    2. Asloan*

      Yeah but it’s going to be *better* to give them the big picture: it’s not that you can’t make this event, it’s that you don’t want to do this anymore. Putting them off once only has them asking again next time so you’re right back in the same boat.

  3. Alex*

    Also, if you want the option of sometimes doing it, you can just decline the jobs you don’t want. “I can’t that weekend” or “Oh, sorry, I won’t be able to take that job on right now,” is enough information for them. You don’t need to concoct an elaborate lie about how you are catering for someone else or taking your non-existent aunt to the squash festival in the next county. It doesn’t matter if you “can’t” because you want to have some free time or go somewhere with your family or do a spring cleaning of your house.

  4. nnn*

    In addition to mentioning that you’re trying to take on less catering work, you could also mention (in a social context ahead of time rather than in response to a request for catering) that you’re trying to focus your catering business on work that pays more while taking up less time.

    1. Feral Humanist*

      This is too much information, and also makes it sound like there’s something wrong with the jobs they’re offering you. It doesn’t sound like anyone is angling for a discount, and they probably don’t *know* that they’re asking for a bunch of extra customization. It risks making them feel awkward about past interactions, and that’s not necessary.

      You want to keep it simple but accurate — you are taking fewer catering jobs or trying to cut back on working weekends, something like that.

    2. Meraki*

      For this, I’d just say that you’re pretty busy but if it worked to order from your regular offerings then sure. Then send them a regular item and price sheet if willing to cater for friends.

      Caterers have done this to me. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

  5. TechnoMap*

    As a fellow business owner, having someone else you know & trust to refer them to is the way to go. Because I think for most people, it’s likely about not wanting to search for a new company, read reviews, vet them out, etc. Heck, I’m like that myself!

    1. Lily Rowan*

      Yeah, that is the truth. I want to use the known quantity even when it’s not my friend, because finding a new caterer (plumber, etc.) is hard!

      Also, I agree with everyone saying you can just tell your friends you want to cater less. That is fine!

    2. natalie*

      Absolutely. I wouldn’t really think of going to my friend’s catering company as doing them a favor, it’s more that it’s saving me the hassle of finding someone else.

    4. Yeah it's me*

      If I was OP, I wouldn’t follow this advice because I can’t control someone else’s quality. It’s not my job to help you find a caterer.

  6. Not your typical admin*

    I would just tell them you’re translating out of the catering business and taking on much fewer clients. I’ve had several friends transition out of different side hustles and it’s never been a problem. If you want to be extra nice and have the ability it would be great if you have other businesses you can refer them to.

  7. Richard Hershberger*

    Off topic, but I would love an update on the third “you might also like” link: the LW running a business with two partners who could be bothered even to open a bank account.

    3. Past Lurker*

      I put a link to an update, it goes into moderation first. It looks like it was the only update. It would be nice to hear if it all worked out in the end!

  8. Asloan*

    OP, are you my mother? In my family we routinely run into the “Abilene paradox” (link to follow) where nobody actually wanted to do something but we ended up doing it anyway because we all thought somebody else wanted to, and of course we could never, ever pipe up and express ourselves if there was the slightest chance of anybody’s feelings getting hurt. I have been working for years to try to help us not end up in Abilene by having everyone feel more comfortable communicating openly. Sounds like you’re catering at the Abilene County Fair.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have never heard of this, haha. Unless someone posted it here and I forgot, which could be true.
        Of course, my blunt ass is usually the one saying, “It’s hot and I don’t want to go.”

    2. Popinki*

      Or my family, where it used to be that if you asked us where we wanted to go to dinner, we’d either starve or wind up at a restaurant nobody liked because no one wanted to suggest what they really wanted in case someone else didn’t like it.

      1. metadata minion*

        Yeah, I’ve gotten into the habit of being the person who will say “I’m flexible, but if you want someone to make a decision, I vote for that Indian place on Maple”.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Yeah I’m a big fan of “do you have somewhere in mind or are you asking me to make the decision?” Works great. Sometimes they tell me what they really want, sometimes they tell me to make the decision.

          1. Happy*

            I wish that would work with my in-laws.

            (After years of suffering back-and-forths for dinner…)

            “Where should be we go for dinner?”
            “I’m happy to go wherever you want, but I suggest A if no one else has a preference.”

            …everyone agrees that A sounds great…

            Then…but we could also do B? Or C? Or D…?

            It’s like some people hate decisions, even when other people make them and everyone approves. I would love to read a scientific paper on the subject. It’s like the opposite of the Abilene paradox.

      2. ElliottRook*

        Proof that it benefits everyone to have an autistic in the group, because I will definitely not let myself end up at a place that I don’t like. I’ll take as many preferences into account as I can, but if I think a place is gross we’re not going lol.

        1. amoeba*

          Oh, I’m not autistic but I’ll 100% do that! But then I’m German, so I guess that figures, haha.

  9. HannahS*

    I think Alison’s script threads the needle really well. As someone that tries to support my friends’ businesses by hiring them, I’d want to know that they weren’t looking for business–it would be much less weird to be told, “I’m actually trying to cut back–if there’s something really special you were wanting from me, than I’d be happy to but I’m not actively seeking out business right now” than to be told, “Yeah…sorry…I’m busy…”

    I’m kind of walking into this situation soon. Changing some details here: I have a friend who owns a catering business and we have an informal agreement that I’ll hire her for a party I’m throwing in the spring. But she doesn’t know yet that I’m planning to change the location to way outside her usual catchment. I’m really hoping that she’ll be honest with me about whether or not she still wants to do the event. I’m not expecting a discount, so it’s the same cost to me whether I hire her or someone else. I’d just rather hire a friend if I can, but not if it’ll result in resentment!

  10. Yes And*

    I am in a remarkably similar position, and I can say from experience that you’re overthinking this. I used to be a full-time professional stage manager. As I’ve advanced higher in my admin career, I’ve scaled back my stage management to two shows a year, and those are iterations of a show I’ve been doing for decades – it’s easy, fun, and with people I enjoy working with.

    Occasionally, I’ll get approached for stage management gigs, usually from people who know me from back in the day and/or who know I’m still doing my one semiannual gig. I just tell the truth: I’m not really looking for work in that line anymore, but thank you for thinking of me. It’s never been a problem.

    1. oranges*

      DEFINITELY overthinking it. Friends think they’re doing you a favor, you don’t want/need to do it, and everyone would be just fine if people spoke up right away instead of beating around the bush.

      “Thank you for thinking of me! I’ve actually cut way back on catering work these day, but you should contact XYZ company. They’re awesome.”

      Done and done.

  11. Amy M.*

    I like the idea of turning them down, but including a suggestion for another caterer. Because they most likely genuinely want a caterer for their event, and if it’s not you, they’ll probably appreciate a recommendation for someone who can handle their event as well as you could.

    1. RLC*

      This! If a favorite tradesperson or service provider is not able to accommodate my request, I immediately ask if there is someone they recommend for the service. Saves me a lot of research time.

    2. sofar*

      Yes! When my husband started winding down his business, he had a couple other small businesses that he could suggest to folks. And those other businesses were always really grateful and thrilled because they were trying to ramp up.

    3. Delta Delta*

      This. And the friend probably trusts you – they know you’re a good caterer, your food tastes good, you prep safely and correctly, etc. They may not know others and may not feel comfortable cold calling a bunch of places.

  12. Pony Girl*

    Sounds like you’re going to have to make a choice, either you tell your friends you’re not catering for friends anymore, or let your friends continue to ask you to cater their event and you have to come up with excuses and have to remember which excuse you gave to which friend.

    For me, going through all these mental hoops just for the rare occasion that you might want to cater for a friend doesn’t seem worth it. My suggestion is make the announcement that you won’t be catering for friends anymore and later on if you want to do it as something nice for a friend, you can say it’s just an one-off exception.

  13. Starbuck*

    Yes, seems pretty straightforward to say “oh, thanks for thinking of me but I wasn’t planning on working that weekend, I need the time off!”

  14. Momma Bear*

    If a friend said, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t do that event for you. Here’s another option you can try – I’ve worked with them on x events before,” I’d be happy for the referral. My friends are not obligated to work for me and many times I’d prefer they didn’t, to preserve the friendship. It’s OK to turn them down, and if they get mad about it, they weren’t a very good friend.

  15. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

    It’s also ok to say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me. My catering business has gotten off and running, so I’ve been focusing on the clients I’ve been getting through my regular business channels. I’d so much rather be a friend to you rather than a vendor. Would you like me to recommend someone?”

  16. el l*

    Next time you see them, unprompted by them:

    “Hey, I know you’ve asked me to cater events in the past. BUT if you want this in the near future – just know that I’m not looking for more business right now. I’m comfortably busy right now and want to keep it that way. Does that make sense? [Conversation, then at end of conversation something like…]

    “Feel free to ask if you truly do need catering – and I’ll feel free to say no.”

  17. Nat20*

    Also I think if these are people you’re truly close with, surely they’ll understand if you’re just honest: “Sorry, but I just need to take some time off that day. Catering it would take up most of my regular weekend and I’m already beat! Here’s another great company though.”

    Saying no without a “reason” can be hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s rude. You’re a human being who needs free time; friends and family of all people should be able to understand that.

    Also, if you’re catering for people’s birthday parties, showers, etc., then you’re probably not able to really relax and enjoy them, right? Even if all the preparation is beforehand, you might need to do something more during it. Even if not, you’ve still got a professional stake in the event, and that’s a type of pressure even if you enjoy it. So surely it’d also be understandable if you want to JUST be a guest sometimes!

    1. londonedit*

      Yes. I understand the temptation to come up with a ‘reason’, but one thing I’ve learned over the last few years is that not only is it not necessary, half the time it just creates more trouble. It’s perfectly fine to say ‘Oh, sorry, I can’t do that weekend’. You don’t need to try to come up with an excuse (real or invented) or say you’ll have to see how it goes or anything like that. Because if you do, you leave yourself open to ‘Oh…well if you can’t do the morning, can you do the afternoon? What if we moved it to 7pm? Couldn’t you ask your sister to come later?’ and then you’re making excuse after excuse and it all feels awkward. ‘Oh, I can’t do that weekend I’m afraid – you could try Sally, she does a fantastic buffet’ is all you need to say.

      If the OP really doesn’t want to do the catering at all, though, then I do think she needs to say that – again, no need to get into details, but she should say ‘I’ve decided to cut right back on the catering I do, so I’m going to suggest contacting Sally in future because I really can’t commit to doing it’ or something like that. Make it clear that it’s not an ongoing ‘keep asking OP just in case they’re free’.

  18. Nik*

    Catering take a lot of prep time. Just because you would be available at the time of the event, doesn’t mean you would have all the time required to prepare for the event. So even if they later found you are are availabel at the time of their event that doesn’t mean you necessarily were available to cater.

  19. Ink Cocktail*

    I have a cousin who caters, and sometimes there’s some tension between catering and being a guest. We’ve had larger family events, or family-adjacent events, where she’s the caterer but if she wasn’t the caterer, she would likely be a regular guest. At different points in her career, she’s gone from really needing/appreciating this kind of business as she was building up her operation, to times where the host thinks they are being polite by asking her first, and she is being polite by agreeing to do it.

    All of this is by way of saying, for the types of events where you would otherwise probably be invited as a guest, it might help with your messaging to your friends to say something about this, that in addition to reducing the catering jobs you are taking on, you are really looking forward to being able to celebrate being fully engaged as a guest, and not running around with the food. This might help frame what you *do* want, and get people out of the “but what if she really needs/wants the business?” cycle.

  20. CubeFarmer*

    I’m sure your friends are thinking that you might be offended if they went to a different caterer, so that’s why they keep going to you.

    Just tell them, “Honestly, I’m swamped with jobs right now, and I can’t do this. But please try…”

  21. TerrorCotta*

    I don’t think I’d bring it up pre-emptively UNLESS it comes up naturally in conversation. Though the same response works for a general FYI and for when friends ask directly.

    “Oh! Just so you know, I’m occasionally doing some business gigs, but otherwise I’d rather hang out with everyone instead of working. And I’m even trying to minimize the other gigs, because the prep eats up a lot of time, and I really need my weekends to de-stress.”

    Bonus: IF they ask for a specific dish that you wouldn’t mind making…”Sure, I can do a smaller batch of that and bring it with me, or drop it off.” But don’t offer it if they don’t prompt you, or you don’t want to do it.

    I think you can emphasize that they weren’t bad to ask previously/you enjoyed it, but *things have changed* and it’s currently more WORK which cuts into your time, energy, and takes more effort than previously with your current schedule.

  22. June*

    They are your friends. TALK to them. Tell them you’ve been getting quite a few catering jobs and you need some downtime on your off weekends but thank you for thinking of me. That’s it. So many problems would be solved if people were just honest with each other and respectful way.

    1. Raida*

      Yes!

      No need for “I have enough other business” or “I am not available for that weekend” or “I’m trying to lower the number of catering jobs…”

      Just straight out “I have realised I need to give myself real actual weekends. I am going to say no to more jobs than I say yes to. So I get my weekends, and evenings for myself.”

      I cannot think of a single one of my mates who wouldn’t sympathise with the feeling of not having a day off, or finishing the work week and looking down the barrel of four weekend commitments and thinking UGH.
      All of them would be happy for their mate to be in a position to not feel the stress and pressure of their finances making them work 7 days a week.

  23. Raida*

    I feel like this is a little too passive voiced.

    “I’m actually trying to take on fewer catering jobs, so unless there’s something specific I prepare that you really want, please don’t feel you need to offer me the business — I’m trying to cut back on jobs, rather than adding more.”

    That’s a lot of words to manage someone else’s feelings when you could proactively state to all your friends “I am deliberately setting aside weekends for myself, and that means I am taking on less catering jobs.” and tell people personally if there is one special thing you make they really want, they can let you know and you’ll see if it’s feasible.

    Nobody *doesn’t understand* wanting days off or enjoying the weekend.

    1. Raida*

      And if your mates are now used to getting catering for their events, and are paying you just fine, then giving them the details of other caterers in the region will help soften the blow, show you are still being helpful

  24. Panda bear*

    I really think you may be underestimating how much your friends want the discount you are offering. You are basically offering sale prices. Of course they’d rather have you do it for cheaper than pay someone else more for the same job. I think if you stopped offering the discount, it wouldn’t benefit them to use you anymore. Or even increase your prices so that it would be tempting for you to take a job.

    1. Raida*

      Oh I missed that bit!
      Yes of COURSE they’ll have discounted, custom, my-friend-cares-so-it’s-always-great catering!

    2. Bluey*

      It’s quite odd that the LW is offering this discount (seemingly with no external pressure) and then is surprised? Frustrated? That her friends keep requesting her services. Isn’t it kind of obvious why they keep coming back?

      I can’t decide if the LW is overthinking or underthinking the situation, but it’s definitely much more straightforward than she thinks it is.

    3. Jack*

      This is a great point.

      It’s hard to know from the letter. Are the friends trying to help the LW out as they assumed? Or are they enjoying the good-cheap catering? Did they like having an excuse to hang out with LW? *Would* they be happy to pay full price?

      If it was me, if I really like a friend’s work but I’m not too cash-strapped at the moment, I’d *rather* pay market price or more. I’d appreciate a mates-rates if it’s a one-off, or if it’s something I really couldn’t afford otherwise, but if it’s something I might want repeatedly, I’d rather be able to ask without feeling like I was taking advantage.

      I think LW needs to work out which jobs they *actually* want. Would they want the friend jobs if they paid full price? Or occasionally? Or would they rather not at all? If they don’t, then just “oh, I’m trying to wind this down” is fine (ideally with a bit of advance warning as described). If they *do*, then they need to judge if the friends would actually want to pay full price or not. If not, then bow out. If they would, then tactfully bring it up, “I’d love to, but I’m trying to cut down — would you still be interested if I charged $X rate”…

  25. Xtacle #3*

    Caterer upset when people expect them to want to cater. It’s okay to say no to your friends. End of story.

  26. SunshineKittens*

    OP, you’re jumping through a lot of hoops to protect imaginary feelings. On top of that, you assume that they are doing you a favor when in reality, they probably love your catering and they trust you. This is an odd take overall, and it’s worth reflecting on why.

    Lying to your friends isn’t the way to go. Definitely say you are cutting back on catering events.

  27. MBP*

    If these are friends, why do you feel you can’t be honest with them? If a friend ask me to go out and I need the time to recharge at home doing nothing, I let them know that no I can’t go because I’ve been really busy and need recharge time. Nobody gets their feelings hurt and I’m not keeping track of a lie. You don’t have to go into the reason you *think* they’re giving you business, just say you’re catering less and you’re not available.

  28. Paladin1138*

    I have a side-gig that I do (Santa Claus visits for personal and corporate parties, specifically), and I do offer my friends a discount – but I also limit that discount to low-demand times. If you want a Christmas Eve visit, you are paying the premium. :-)

    Those that are my friends understand this, and those that do not understand this are not offered the friend discount again.

  29. Nathan*

    I feel like LW isn’t even clear in their own letter how they feel about it.

    Paragraph 1: “It’s a way to make some extra money and I enjoy the work”

    Paragraph 3: “most of the time I would much rather have my weekend free than spend it making appetizers for someone else’s party”

    OP is coming across very “paragraph 1” to their friends but really feels “paragraph 3”, I can see where the disconnect is.

    Seems like the advice here is spot on. If they’re really doing it as a favor to you, they’re kind friends. Kind friends would not want you to pretend to be happy about something they’re doing for you when you’re actually annoyed by it.

  30. Nancy*

    Just say you cannot take on any more work. If you know someone you can recommend to them, do that as well. It’s not a big deal.

    If I needed catering services and had a caterer friend who offered me a discount, of course I would choose them first. Not because I am doing them a favor, but because I will save money and get to work with someone I already know.

  31. Mommadog*

    “I’m really swamped right now, but if I have an opening, I’ll let you know”. > for the unwanted catering

  32. Arts Akimbo*

    “I’m so sorry, my catering calendar is all booked up and I can’t take on any additional work.” It’s a useful phrase for any kind of freelancer or business owner when friends and family ask for things.

  33. March*

    Alison’s advice is solid, and for those friends you doing have regular catch-ups with, you can use the beautiful reply of “thanks for thinking of me, but I have that weekend blocked off for maintenance.”
    What is maintenance? Running your van through the car wash? Two ten-hour’s-sleep nights? Restocking the larder? Bingeing a tv-show? Reevaluating your entire selection of utensils? Cleaning the kitchen? Shopping for winter clothes? Who knows! You’ll see! It’s all maintenance. And everyone knows it needs doing.

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