Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. People complain that I don’t want to be at work social events

I’m in a senior leadership role, and have been for the last six years. I keep running into the same problem and I’d love your advice.

I don’t enjoy social activities at work (Christmas parties, picnics, etc.), and I also don’t like corporate retreats. I’d rather do my tasks, as I’m very busy. I’m very much in the minority.

I always encourage my staff to participate. I do attend, but it’s out of obligation. People notice and then complain to my boss, who keeps talking to me about my participation.

I resent this. To me, attending even though I don’t want to is my way of being a good leader and teammate. But apparently that isn’t enough; I’m supposed to like the activity itself. I’m told I should want to do the thing.

My job isn’t at risk. But it’s causing my boss stress I don’t think is fair. I also can’t abide the idea that I would be inauthentic by being overly enthusiastic. I’ve asked to be told when something is mandatory, but it’s been made clear to me that I shouldn’t need to, and should go to everything.

If people are able to tell that you don’t want to be there to the point that they’re complaining to your boss about it … yeah, you’re in the wrong. Particularly as a senior leader, it’s rude to make it so obvious that you don’t want to be there that people around you can tell (which I’m guessing is what’s happening, because otherwise there would be nothing for people to pick up on, let alone take to your boss). If you didn’t enjoy the activities but went out of obligation and behaved graciously while you were there, this would be fine. You don’t need to be “overly enthusiastic”; you just need to not be obviously unenthusiastic.

Part of being in senior leadership is that you not only show up for this stuff, you do it graciously.

For what it’s worth, there’s plenty else about being in senior leadership that’s “inauthentic” but is still part of the job, like not rolling your eyes when a colleague says something absurd, or implementing a decision that was made above you and isn’t what you would have picked, and on and on.

2. How can we create a schedule that’s fair to people with and without kids?

I work in a small department that has strict customer-facing hours from morning through evening; the team is me and two coworkers.

Our manager used to ask for our scheduling preferences each quarter and would try to make sure everyone was pretty equal (one closing, one opening per week per person, no weird shifts that make taking a lunch impossible). She retired and hasn’t yet been replaced. Big Boss has been having us work out the schedule amongst ourselves, and we’re running into trouble.

We’re trying to collaboratively create a schedule that covers all the hours and works well enough for everyone. But both my coworkers are coming to the table with very limited hours. Both have children and need to come in and leave at very specific times to do dropoff/pickup, but this is leaving difficult gaps of time to fill. I find that my colleagues aren’t being particularly flexible and I understand that they have children, but I don’t want to work every late afternoon or evening, work every day while they get 1-2 days completely off customer-facing work, or have a really irregular schedule (close one night, open the next morning, split shifts) while theirs are more consistent.

How can I approach this? I have no “need” to leave work early or refuse these shifts, and saying I just don’t want to work all the bad shifts doesn’t seem to carry as much weight as family obligations. Are there any solutions? I’m hoping not to bring it to Big Boss if I don’t have to.

Your framing is wrong! It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for not wanting to have the short end of the stick every day, or even the majority of the time. You get to say your time off is important too, and you’re presumably not being paid any kind of extra premium for taking on more scheduling hassle than your coworkers are.

It’s enough to simply say, “I don’t want to work late every afternoon or evening or have a really irregular schedule while everyone else’s is consistent. That won’t work for me, and I propose we handle it the way OldManager used to — for example, (fill in specific proposal).” If they reply with, “Well, I can’t because X,” then you should say, “I can’t either, and I’d like to schedule the way we did under OldManager, which everyone seemed to be able to accommodate then.”

And if an agreement can’t be reached relatively quickly, then do bring in Big Boss — that’s part of what they’re there for, and it’s more likely to solve the problem than having to convince people who have already demonstrated they’re not willing to be fair to you. Sometimes you need someone in authority to step in and resolve things.

Related:
I’m getting stuck with extra work because I don’t have kids

3. I have to log my work on the days I work from home

I’m a third-year attorney, and I started a new, non-private-sector job three months ago. I’ve had some frustrations and trouble adjusting to this place, but I did appreciate that it had a hybrid work option. Today, though, I found out that there’s been an existing requirement (which my supervisor only informed me about today) to send a log every week summarizing the work we did on the days we worked from home. It’s a company requirement, not from my supervisor. She explained that she’s waived the requirement for senior attorneys, but the junior attorneys still need to do it — in other words, I read it as not for billing purposes, but to “prove” that we’re doing work on days we work from home.

I’m furious. The pandemic started during my time in law school, so I’ve had hybrid or remote work since even before I passed the bar. I’ve never had this requirement at any place I’ve worked as an attorney or law clerk — not firms, nonprofits, or the federal judiciary. In law, if you weren’t actually working on your days you worked from home, it would show in your total work product (i.e., not drafting enough briefs or filing enough cases). So this requirement makes me feel that my job doesn’t trust me to manage my time, even though I’ve already done extensive work during the short time I’ve been here and gone far over the 40 hours a week (not due to my speed, but due to the amount of work). Every time I go to fill out the form, I’m furious, even though it only requires a summary for each day. Two questions: (1) am I overthinking this, and (2) regardless, how do I get over this enough to do the log?

Well, first: yes, it’s a bad requirement. And yes, effective managers are able to spot it if people aren’t being productive on their work-from-home days.

But “furious” seems excessive, particularly if you otherwise like the job. Since the requirement is coming from above your manager, it’s likely that this is a firm that wasn’t fully comfortable with remote work (as many aren’t) and this is key to them allowing it. Find it eye-rolly, by all means, but anger is an overreaction. See the log as an investment in keeping hybrid work available to you and others there.

Also, though … is other stuff going on that’s making you unhappy with this job? This is the kind of thing that will grate far more if you’re already not happy for other reasons.

4. Can I ask my old job to take my name off their website?

I left my last job about four months ago after almost six years there. It’s a small business and, for context, there were two other people doing the same job as me, although there should have been four. We’d been looking for another person for at least six months with no results. About two months after I left, one of the two remaining people also left so they now just have one person doing this job and no real leads for anyone else.

Both of us who left are still listed on the business website “meet the team.” I don’t know if this is deliberate in order to make it look like they are still fully staffed, or just the manager not doing her job. Unfortunately, I didn’t leave on the best of terms with my manager — she was a very nice person but did absolutely no actual managing. If you wanted to sit around all day on your phone, no one would say anything. This was made worse when she hired her daughter to be an “assistant.” Anyway, I don’t want to be associated with this business anymore, and I would like my name off the website. Would it be inappropriate for me to email my former manager and ask her to take me off?

It’s not inappropriate to request that. You can’t force them to do it, but you can absolutely ask them to. I would frame it this way: “I noticed the website still lists me as an active employee. Would you please remove my name so that anywhere I apply in the future doesn’t mistakenly think I am still there? Thank you, and I hope you’re doing well.”

5. How do I tell my former boss to stop digging into how I am?

The full context for this situation goes back a couple of years. My department was going through a reorg right as I was going out on parental leave, and I went from having one report to being one of two newly promoted team leads. I came back from leave to a company that had gone through significant change and to a job in which I didn’t really know what was expected from me. Additionally, we went through a serious lull in work and I had no real projects. My counterpart had been leading both teams while I was gone, so I really floundered. I also was dealing with becoming a parent, so I spent my energy trying on that rather than work. Somewhere in there, the powers that be decided they wanted one person in charge of revenue for our area rather than two. I was still trying to get my feet under me and told my boss that I didn’t want that responsibility, so it went to the other lead, but I still had multiple people reporting to me and some other responsibilities.

Fast forward to now and there is another reorg, in part to make more of a triangle reporting structure. The outcome of this is that I have essentially been demoted. I now report to my previous peer, some of the people who were reporting to me now report to him, and all of my higher-level responsibilities are gone. I tried to make a case for moving into a different reporting structure with some different higher level responsibilities but was told no.

I am angry and humiliated. No one in my reporting structure ever said to me that this sucks and isn’t a reflection of my performance. There keep being little reminders of what was taken away that turn the screw a little more (like someone asking me about a standing meeting that I am no longer a part of). Being at work is miserable.

I have worked with my (previous) boss for a long time and have told her quite plainly that I am not happy about this. And every time we meet, she keeps asking how I am. I say I’m fine, but she pushes and I end up crying in front of her. At this point, I just want to be left alone to do the job I am left with. I have a lot of feelings about how this ended up happening, some of which are directed toward my company, some of which are directed inward toward my own decisions, and some of which are directed at the universe toward the horrible timing of the promotion and baby coming together. None of these feelings are my old boss’ business. As far as I know, there are no issues with my performance since the change, and I’m sure my old boss is coming from a good place, but how do I tell her to leave me alone with this? And is it possible to do it without crying in front of her again?

(Yes, I am job searching but my industry is in a tough spot with recent layoffs affecting a lot of candidates I am competing with, so I anticipate it being a long search.)

“I appreciate you checking in on how I’m doing, but it ends up stirring things up that I’m trying to put to rest. In the interests of my being able to move forward with the situation as it stands, I’d be grateful if we can just take it as read that I’m doing okay and talk about about other things instead!”

And then if she does it anyway, be prepared with a subject change to push the conversation to something else.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker masturbates in the men’s bathroom

There is a guy in my office who will go into one of the stalls in the men’s bathroom for 20-30 minutes at a time. I have had the bad luck of entering a stall next to him and hearing audible masturbation noises. I think he does this every day we work in-office because I swear it’s happened 5-6 times. A coworker I’m close with has confirmed hearing it as well, so I know I am not going crazy. I have also seen this guy come out of the bathroom with headphones on, looking at something on his phone, so after repeated incidents, I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t know how loud he is.

Not sure how to handle this one. He is more or less doing it “in private” and I feel like HR would escalate things too much. We also were recently acquired by an international company and no longer have in-house HR. I don’t really want to tell someone halfway across the continent about a coworker’s bathroom habits. On the other hand, I would feel uncomfortable going up to him and saying, “Hey, I hear you jerking it every time we’re in the office, can you knock it off?”

Asking HR to intervene would not be escalating it too much. Far from it! This guy is not in private; he’s using a shared bathroom where coworkers are hearing him (and he’s apparently not even bothering to be discreet or to stop when someone is in a stall a couple of feet away from him). You don’t owe him privacy here; he owes you the ability to use the bathroom at work without being exposed to the sound of someone jerking off. “Not hearing someone masturbating” is pretty much a bare minimum expectation you should be able to have at work.

Talk to HR. Say you’ve heard others report the same thing, it’s gross, and you don’t want to be exposed to it.

2. My employee doesn’t solve problems on her own

I manage a department of three employees, and I’m struggling with how to supervise one of them.

We’re a high-performing team with various responsibilities, so everyone has a lot on their plate. All three employees have been with the company for about the same amount of time, so I expect them to have similar levels of knowledge. Betty and Sally are both friendly, approachable, take initiative, and are solid problem-solvers. Velma is quieter, takes little initiative, and often relies on me for answers or guidance. I don’t mind questions, but it’s become a regular occurrence, and many of these issues she should be able to resolve herself with a little effort, basic reasoning, or research.

This was understandable when she was first hired, but after more than two years, it’s become problematic. In previous one-on-one meetings, I’ve asked Velma to take more ownership of her problem-solving and attempt to find solutions on her own before asking me for feedback. I even listed this as a goal on her last annual review, but there’s been little improvement over the last year. Her responses often included that she wasn’t sure and knew I could find the answer faster, or that she didn’t have all the necessary information, even though I don’t always have it either and often end up taking a few minutes to figure it out myself.

I’m getting frustrated with the situation, and am frankly tired of giving the same feedback every few months. We’ve all had to learn this skill, and none of us needed this much hand-holding. Velma is a fine employee and does good work, but she’s not a star performer like her colleagues. I try not to compare them, but I’m aware it’s probably affecting my perspective. I know I need to start addressing this more directly in the moment, but I’m not sure how to do it without coming across as annoyed.

You need to escalate the seriousness with which you’re treating it. Sit down with her and name the pattern and what she needs to do differently: “We’ve talked about this in the past and it was a formal goal on your last review, but I’m not seeing the progress I need. Now that you’re two years into the job, I need you to take more responsibility for problem-solving and look for solutions on your own before coming to me. That’s true even if you think I can find the answer faster than you, because you won’t develop this skill without practicing it. So going forward, when you ask for helping solving a problem, I’d like you to include everything you’ve tried so far — whether it’s checking our documentation, looking through similar past projects, or XYZ (fill in here with specific things she should try in your context). If you haven’t tried solve it yourself first, I’m going to ask you to do that before I step in.”

Then, when she brings you a problem she should be able to solve herself, ask what she’s tried so far. And rather than jumping in to figure it out yourself, think about how you’d figure it out yourself and then ask her to take those steps instead of you. (Here’s some advice on how to do that.)

If after a few months of this you’re not seeing much improvement, this may be an ability she’s not likely to develop with the amount of coaching it’s reasonable to expect you to invest … at which point you’d need to decide what that means for her tenure in the job. In some jobs it would be prohibitive; in others it might just mean that she can’t advance or won’t be compensated in the same way as Betty and Sally are.

3. Do I have to keep working late now that I’ve resigned?

I recently resigned from my hectic 9-5 job to go back to school in May, giving two months notice instead of the usual two weeks.

The job is typically 9-5, but it is a busy time and in the past month I was added to two new accounts that are making me work late. I’ve been putting in about three extra hours of work per work day, and I don’t want to anymore. Will I be remembered poorly if I leave closer to 5 pm, or is there a tacit expectation that people aren’t going to go above and beyond when they’ve quit?

You should return to your regular hours. You generously gave them two months of notice instead of two weeks; you don’t also need to give them 15 extra hours of work a week! Frame it this way: “I won’t be able to handle these two new accounts on top of my regular workload — I have time to do X and Y but not Z, or I could do about half of each of them, but I can’t do everything that’s currently on my plate within a normal workweek. Can you tell me how you’d like me to prioritize, knowing that not all of it can get done? Or alternately, would it make more sense to reassign the two new accounts?”

If you hear you should just find a way to get it all done, you should say, “There’s not enough time in the work week to get it all done. I’ll do as much as I can, but I need to let you know that it won’t all get done.”

And then leave on time.

Related:
since I gave notice at work, my boss has tripled my workload

4. References when you haven’t had many jobs

I have been helping my daughter with her resume and applications for full-time employment (thanks to your column, we have great info), but there are many applications that are asking for three business references. She’s only had two part-time jobs, one in college and one she’s been at since graduation. Some of these are online where they won’t let her past the question without filling in all three. How do we navigate this? Each job has had only one supervisor/manager, so there aren’t even two levels of bosses she could add.

In a situation like this, it’s okay if all the references aren’t managers. Is there a coworker she could add, someone who worked closely enough with her to be able to speak to her work with some nuance? Ideally it would be a coworker who was senior to her, but if no one like that is available, she could list a peer.

5. Can you use FMLA for clinical trials?

I have a moderately-serious, life-shortening chronic condition (I have decades, not months, left, and I use a wheelchair outside my home) for which there is no treatment. About a year ago, I got the chance to do clinical trial for a new drug that was in development. It required a month-long in-patient stay in a treatment center.

I asked my work’s EAP if I’d be able to use FMLA for that, but they told me “you can’t use FMLA if it’s voluntary.” That seems wrong to me? After all, most medical treatments are technically voluntary, in that you could choose not to do them — sometimes with the devastating medical consequences, but you have the option.

I ended up working remotely during the trial, judiciously using PTO on days when I had a lot of procedures, but I still sometimes had to be on Zoom meetings while getting blood drawn.

Anyway, I’m interested in getting your take on that decision. Should it have been covered? What are the actual rules? I might do other trials in the future, and I’d like to be sure of my options.

Whoa, no, your work was 100% wrong. The law is clear that you can use FMLA for a clinical trial when it’s part of a serious health condition. The fact that clinical trials are considered “voluntary or elective” is not a factor. Your EAP may have been thinking of elective procedures for cosmetic treatments (like plastic surgery), which don’t qualify for FMLA — but they were fully wrong on the application here. In fact, the U.S. Department of Labor issued an opinion letter last year, affirming that employees may use FMLA for clinical trials.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new job has so much drama it made the local news

I started a job as an accounting manager less than a month ago. I had been out of work for a while. I was let go at my previous job, I think because my boss didn’t like or need me. I’m a quiet, anxious person and she was the opposite. I was still on probation there and it was a shock.

So, I’ve been looking for a new position but also working contract and doing well. I interviewed for one particular job I thought was a good fit. The hiring manager and I hit it off right away. I felt she was an empathetic, kind leader. She offered me the position, but I also received an offer from the company I was contracting with (for more money). I’ve been in some really bad work situations in the past, and I have a bit of trauma from it.

I declined the job with the contractor and accepted the other one based on my rapport with the boss and the mission of the organization, which appealed to me. On my first day, my boss was working from home. Then the rest of that week, she worked from home. I finally asked her about it, and she said there had been some accusations of a “toxic workplace” towards her and her boss and she was working from home for her “protection.”

One night shortly after I started, I was watching the news and there was a news story about the accusations of toxicity and mishandling of clients from nine of the 15 or so workers in my organization. They were interviewed anonymously on the news.

I’m wondering if I should just start looking elsewhere? I fear my boss, whom I still like, will be fired. Knowing she is mostly the reason I took this job (and a pay cut) what do you think would be my best option?

Whoa, I can see why you’re alarmed! But before you decide on any action, ideally you’d get a lot more information. Luckily, there are a lot of people you can talk to, and none of them are going to be even slightly surprised that you want to; if anything, they assume it’s coming. Talk to your boss! Talk to your coworkers! If there are other senior leaders besides your boss, talk to them too. All you need to say is, “I saw the news story and hadn’t known anything about the situation previously. Can you fill me in on what’s going on?”

Take everything you hear with grains of salt, since everyone will have their own agendas — but ask people to share their perspectives with you.

What you know so far sounds pretty damning — but it’s possible there’s more to it that would paint a different picture. Then again, even if the people making the accusations are off-base, the organization is likely in for a rocky road for a while as it works through whatever is going on.

If you think you’d want the other job you were offered, you can reach back out to that company and ask if the offer is still available. The sooner you do that, the higher the chances of it still being open … but once you do that, you should be ready to take it.

(Also, never take a job based just on a good feeling about the hiring manager. This is true for everyone, but especially since you’re someone who’s actively trying to avoid another bad situation. Managers can come across very differently in interviews than what they’re actually like to work for. Here’s some advice on how to spot bad jobs ahead of time.)

2. Working from home while men’s bathroom is out of order

If a company allows its male employees to work from home for a couple days while the men’s restroom in the office is closed for repairs, but does not offer a similar benefit to female employees (because their restroom still works), is this gender discrimination? Ordinarily, allowing men to work remotely but not women obviously would be very illegal, but in this case there’s a very good reason to allow the men to (in fact, forcing them to come in to the office when the bathroom is broken would probably violate OSHA) that doesn’t apply to the women.

You’d need an employment lawyer to tell you for sure, but I wouldn’t think the company has much legal risk, given the set of facts. The remote work on those days isn’t being offered as a perk; it’s in place because there will be no available bathroom facilities for those employees.

The most likely risk to them would be if they have denied intermittent work-from-home as a disability accommodation and claimed that it’s not possible for any of these roles; since it’s apparently possible when they see it as useful, this would be fodder for anyone who wanted to push back on that.

3. I get flooded with canned LinkedIn messages every time I post a job

I lead a recruitment team in a mid-sized manufacturing firm. We are inundated with resumes for almost every role (which is a good problem to have!), but I dread posting IT openings, even though that is my favorite area to recruit for. Within minutes of posting developer roles, I will get 50+ canned LinkedIn messages that all say the same thing: “My X experience at Z makes me a great candidate for this role! Are you open to a call to discuss how I can help your company?”

In fact, I am NOT open to a call. I have 400+ resumes sitting in our ATS to sift through and my limited interview spots will be given to candidates who have taken the time to apply online so that I can review their resume/application. I have always made a point to respond kindly to every LinkedIn message (other than spam) because I know how difficult and demoralizing a job search can be, but I am finding myself increasingly frustrated.

How can I respond kindly in a way that lets them know that while they think they are giving themselves an edge by approaching recruiters with a canned message, 400 of their competitors have completed online applications for my recruitment team to review? To be clear, there are some occasions where I welcome these messages, such as roles that require a unique skill set or if they are having difficulty with the application, etc. These are not that. Suggestions?

Relieve yourself of any feeling of obligation to respond to those messages and just delete them. They’re the hiring equivalent of spam and, just as you don’t reply to spammers to explain why their approach is ineffective, you don’t need to reply to these messages either. If you really want to reply, you could say, “Please submit an application on our website and we’d be glad to consider you” — but frankly I wouldn’t even do that, as it increases the likelihood that they’ll continue to use LinkedIn messages to try to pitch themselves outside of the system you’ve set up for considering candidates.

You’ve told people how to apply. The ones who want to will follow those instructions. You don’t need to spend extra time funneling people over there when they’ve ignored that.

4. HR hasn’t kept up with local employment regulations

I work in the New York office of a consulting company with 1,000 employees across more than 30 locations in the U.S., Europe, and Asia. At the end of December, I saw an article about how all private employers in New York, regardless of size, will be required to offer at least 20 hours of paid prenatal leave to all employees as of January 1, 2025. I had heard nothing about an update to my employer’s leave policies, so I emailed the HR department to ask how much paid prenatal leave the company would be offering, as well as more granular details about the policy’s implementation. The HR department replied saying they had no knowledge of this state regulation and would have to look into it. I was quite surprised by their admission of ignorance. They are now working on updating the company’s policies but told me it won’t “go live” on our internal site until February.

HR has also consistently dodged my questions about how they are going to make people aware of this new policy, instead deflecting by saying they’ll update the internal policy site. I don’t think anyone is regularly checking that site, so I assume they are intending for this benefit to slip under the general radar.

Is it reasonable to expect an HR department to (1) ensure the company is compliant with the laws of the places where it does business; (2) ensure that employees are made aware of updates to employment policies? I’ve never been impressed with our HR department – in my time at the company, they’ve been generally obstructive, misinformed current employees on immigration matters, and protected illegal behavior. I know all of that is coloring my view of their competence and of this particular interaction. But it seems wild that I should be informing HR of how to remain in compliance with state regulations!

I’m also wondering how much I can do to make sure my colleagues – not only in New York, but also in other U.S. locations – are aware of this policy. I’ve been keeping my cohort informed, but would it be out of pocket to send an email with a link to the new policy (whenever it goes live) to my whole office if HR won’t?

It is reasonable to expect an HR department to ensure the company is compliant with the law in the places where it does business. That is, in fact, a key responsibility of HR. It’s also reasonable to expect that they will share changes to employment policies.

That said, it’s surprisingly common for companies to miss changes in employment law that will affect them, particularly if they have employees in multiple jurisdictions. It shouldn’t be common— at a minimum, there are subscription services that will alert employers to legal changes in the states where they operate, and any company with employees in multiple locations should be using those if they’re not monitoring on their own — but it happens way more than it should. Regardless, once your company became aware of the new requirement, they should have acted with more urgency; the law went into effect January 1, not a month later.

A “good news — new benefit for New York employees” message to your coworkers wouldn’t be out of line.