weekend open thread – March 22-23, 2025

by Alison Green on March 21, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Real Americans, by Rachel Khong. This is an epic family saga told in three generations: a pair of scientists who fled China’s Cultural Revolution, their daughter, and the son she has in America with the wealthy heir to a pharmaceutical company, whose business is intertwined with her parents in ways she learns of only later.  (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ali + Nino*

    Any makeup recommendations for dark under eye circles? I’m in my mid-30s, have always had them, and they are only getting worse. I’ve been looking on youtube but all the recs require lots of products and I want something fast and easy on a pharmacy budget.

    1. theinone*

      I generally only do my makeup for colorguard, but for those 4am call times and the drum corps season, I generally do my regular foundation, then concealer to counteract the darkness that’s still visible, then I have a nude eyeshadow palette that I do a little of the lightest shade under my eyes like a highlighter, almost.

      I use almost exclusively drugstore makeup, so the foundation is Wet n Wild photo focus (under 10$), the concealer is a Maybelline one I got like four years ago, the eyeshadow is the Wet n Wild Color Icon palette in Nude Awakening.

      It works for performance makeup where the look is more important at a distance, anyway. Might not look as good up close. The eyeshadow is lightly glittery so maybe skip that step and use some form of pressed powder.

      1. Firebird*

        Oh man.. flashbacks to when I did colorguard back in high school, where we ran the whole range of big purple to big yellow eye makeup for various shows (and I can’t tell if disclosing this on the internet will out which high school I attended, or if that’s common enough to not be a tell).

        Afraid I can’t help with the original question, though!

    2. Double A*

      Yes, the Maybelline instant rewind eraser. I first bought it because it was recommended for “mature” skin because stuff starts to look cakey as you get older. It blends really well. It works great and is readily available in drugstores.

      1. RLC*

        Just noticed that the Maybelline concealer shade you mentioned range includes four “corrector” shades.

    3. RLC*

      I use two shades of concealer: first a warm peachy tone (the “corrector”) on the dark circles and set it a with a miniscule bit of my regular loose powder applied with a tiny fluffy eyeshadow blending brush; follow with concealer a smidge lighter than my foundation; then foundation over that and set as usual. For shade inspiration you could browse the webpages of major cosmetic companies, look for “color correctors” and see what shade of corrector is recommended for your skin tone, then look for a similar shade in a pharmacy brand. (They may not label it as a “corrector”; but one person’s perfect “concealer” shade match is a “corrector” for another skin tone.)
      Key to successful results is avoiding accidentally blending the corrector shade with the concealer shade.
      If I don’t have time or inclination for this routine, I’ve found that Pacifica’s “Dreamlit Glow” concealer provides very full coverage on its own. Unfortunately very limited shade range.

    4. Tha Panda*

      Lancome Effacernes – but omg I no longer see it on their home page so am going on a quest to stock up! Has been my go to product for many years, it doesn’t dry out the skin as much as Maybelline.

    5. Storm in a teacup*

      A colour corrector under concealer is perfect. Works really well and ELF do one although I think Bobbi Brown make the best ones.
      Key is finding the right shade for your skintone

    7. Bunch Harmon*

      Besides covering it up, you may want to look into a caffeine under eye cream. It’s good for dark circles and puffiness.

    8. mreasy*

      I use Glossier stretch concealer. It’s not quite drugstore price but one pot lasts for ages. I use a makeup sponge but you can easily use it with your fingers – the best I’ve seen that doesn’t dry out my skin or get flaky.

      1. mreasy*

        Note that I don’t wear foundation and I find it blends well without, if that is a concern for you.

    9. HamlindigoBlue*

      I use Tarte Shape Tape Color Corrector in pink. It works great to neutralize the purple. They have other neutralizing colors to choose from, like peach, orange, red, etc.

    10. AJB*

      Also in my mid 30s. I started using cerave under eye cream and it’s been a game changer. Not makeup but it helped with my dark circles and wrinkles.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I am going to try this, thank you! I’m a no make-up, low skin-care person generally but have started using a CeraVe cleanser and face cream, and have really liked them. I’m a similar age, but I’ve always had dark circles!

    11. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      ELF 14 hour Camo Concealer matte finish. Under $10, website has good shade guide, and all you need is a very tiny amount. But you have to work fairly fast because it dries quickly. It doesn’t build up, so it looks like my skin but better.

    12. sagewhiz*

      Would be worth asking your doctor about vitamin deficiency, as that can lay a role in under eye dark circles.

    13. HamlindigoBlue*

      If we’re talking about eye creams, I see a dermatologist for my under eye area. I do get fillers every year for my hereditary bags, but they also recommended CereVe eye cream for night and Glamglow Bright Eyes for daytime as well as doing a weekly compress with cold green tea bags for 10-15 minutes. This combo works well for me.

      I’m reading now that Glamglow may be discontinued, so I will probably need to find a replacement. I bought 2 of them the last time I needed more and am now on the last one. I have a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks, so I will ask for Glamglow alternatives then. I’m glad I checked on that product today!

  2. old curmudgeon*

    Alison, how long did you have to wait to get that four-deep bunkbed photo?? They’re adorable (of course!), but it must have taken ages to get four of the clowder posed that way, plus three of them actually looking at the camera!

    That sets my weekend up on a terrific note – thank you!

  3. My own worst frenemy*

    hey fellow francophones. I am looking for your french podcast recommendations (available on Spotify) – I consider myself pretty fluent but will be traveling to a francophone country for the first time in years and want to brush up. please no news or politics. Merci bcp!

    1. Teapot Translator*

      Is the country you’re traveling to Canada (French part)? I ask because I have a recommendation, but it’s no use if you’re going to Europe. The accent is quite different.

      1. basil and thyme*

        I’ll take the rec. I grew up in Quebec, but no longer live there, and miss Quebecois.

      2. Weekend Warrior*

        Since I’m all over these replies…just wanted to say that I saw a bus ad today for Québec City and Québec in general with the tagline “L’accent d’Amérique”. C’est vrai!

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      Searching for “les meilleurs podcasts” will find you Franch and other European podcasts; in Canada the term is “balado” or “balados”. :) Whew – there’s a lot to choose from!

      1. étoile*

        J’aime beaucoup le podcast “émotions” – c’est assez profond comme sujet, et pour mon niveau de français je dois écouter attentivement pour comprendre tout.
        J’écoute aussi des podcasts très courts (2 minutes) “ah ouais” de RTL et “culture générale – choses a savoir” qui reponds aux questions personnes n’a demander!

    4. K*

      No specific recommendations for the moment (at least respecting your no politics request) but I tend to enjoy browsing in the Radio France app as you can listen to specific stations live as well as browse “podcasts du moment”.

    5. Anon-E-Mouse*

      Not a podcast recommendation but I wanted to mention how useful I found Duolingo’s Max subscription (the level that includes AI-powered roleplays and video chats) for warming up my rusty French skills. I lived and worked in Paris for a few years and was at about Level C1 almost 20 years ago but hadn’t practiced much in the intervening years. Duolingo for a few weeks helped bring a lot of French back to the tip of my tongue.

    7. Shy Platypus*

      You say you want to avoid news or politics, but are there topics that interest you?

      I can suggest Amies (two journalist friends, each makes the other discover a movie or tv show she really likes. Season 1 is Friends, season 2 is Twin Peaks and it goes on and on from there. The current season has a different format since the host is on maternity leave, they go in depth into their favourite tv show episodes).

      La chute de Lapinville makes me quite happy these days (daily 5′ of fiction, fun and quite heartwarming at times).

      Les pieds sur terre is an absolute classic. It’s an interview format, you never hear the journalist but only the interviewee who tells their story. It’s often interesting and moving, probably a nice way to discover the subtleties and depth of French culture.

      If you want to avoid politics as in “politician X said Y” but not political topics, another banger is Les couilles sur la table. It’s a feminist podcast where the host invite social scientists to discuss masculinity.

      These are podcasts that I listen to as a native, if you’re fluent you may need to adapt to everyone’s accents but you should be fine :)

      Happy podcasting!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Me too! It’s been about three weeks since I last swam and it felt so good to stretch the body out and be pleasantly tired after

      2. ReallyBadPerson*

        My regular pool is closed for a week for maintenance, so I have been swimming at one a bit farther away. This pool is so clear it makes me wonder why my regular pool isn’t. I mean, it’s not dirty, but it is definitely cloudier. My fellow displaced swimmers were discussing this, and we are all hoping that the maintenance work will address the cloudiness.

    2. CheeseFrog*

      My kiddo got me the green countertop cheese grater I had seen on YouTube short videos and it’s just ridiculous fun. So far, it works well and for some reason it feels like playing with an easy bake oven type toy. It’s a real kitchen tool and does what is necessary but it is green and kinda looks like a big mouth frog from certain angles and it just makes me giggle while food prepping.

      1. dapfloodle*

        I recently got a garlic peeler that looks like Dracula, and it gives me similar feels!

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      It hasn’t happened yet but making a pastitsio for dinner this week! So yummy and I don’t make it often.

      1. carcinization*

        I made that for Christmas dinner after not doing so for several years, and it was time-consuming but so worth it (Ina Garten’s recipe with a few tweaks such as reducing the salt)!

    4. Frieda*

      We had a blizzard which meant I got to go snowshoeing twice! Once the weather was actually great – sunny and clear.

    5. But what to call me?*

      I successfully wrote an action scene in the sci-fi story I’m writing! (for fun, not work). Usually I struggle with anything beyond disembodied voices talking into a void.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      My Christmas cactus is blooming AGAIN! He bloomed once all over, and then I repotted him and the Easter cactus in bigger containers. They both looked much perkier afterward. He must be happy in his new pot — he threw out another big flower, and now there are four buds and another big flower.

      I think he’s just showing off at this point, lol.

      1. RLC*

        I love the mental image of a plant showing off!
        We inherited a Christmas cactus a few years ago when my in-laws moved to elder care; repotted the neglected little cactus and added it to our colony of adopted houseplants. Last fall it expressed its happiness in our home with a flurry of bloom.

      3. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Ours has been blooming on and off for several months now, it’s delightful!

    7. PurlsOfWisdom*

      I have perfected a pattern for a crochet earring that I have been working on (with many failed attempts). Now that’s out of the way I can make a pair for myself as well as for 2 of my best friends!

    8. PurlsOfWisdom*

      Since I responded with my own, I want to toss it back. What brought you joy this week Squirrel?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s so sweet to ask! I’ve been feeling a little glum lately and sometimes having trouble getting in touch with my own joys.

        One thing that did give me joy this week was meeting with a botanist at a place where I’m donating a memorial tree for a friend who passed away last year. I showed him my favorite types of trees and we went over possible locations for the tree.

      1. allathian*

        And Thursday was vernal equinox in the northern hemisphere. Knowing that the days are longer than the nights is spiritually uplifting for me.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Looking out the window at work after 4 pm and not seeing a stygian abyss of darkness is so wonderful.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      What made me happy this week is a thread at Ask A Manager!

      I hadn’t visited the site in a few days so tonight I’ve been catching on recent posts. I have been totally drawn into the post asking about the care of fish in an aquarium at a pre-school. I don’t have pet fish nor plan to get any, but the knowledge of people who commented in response to the letter writer’s question is amazing.

      I learned lots of cool stuff about caring for pet fish that I didn’t even realize I wanted to know. And of course I hope the subject fish benefit from the advice.

      If you haven’t read this engrossing thread, you can check it out at https://www.askamanager.org/2025/03/my-coworker-isnt-willing-to-tell-a-teenager-helper-that-hes-accidentally-killing-all-our-fish.html/

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I loved this one too! I had no idea fish were so involved and I certainly won’t be getting any at this point in my life.
        All the info was super informative.

    11. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      A great haircut! It’s been 6 months since my last one. I’ve been looking for someone who knows how to cut curly hair since I moved here 4 years ago.

    12. Seamyst*

      I was productive yesterday on my day off! I finished the purse organizer I was making for my new leather tote (from Portland Leather Company, highly recommend), extended the back pockets on a pair of store bought pants so I can actually fit my phone in them, and replaced the sleeves on a handmade top with a style that works better with the fabric.

    13. PhyllisB*

      I have two!! Tomorrow’s my birthday (74. How did that happen?) and we’re going to visit our oldest daughter for the weekend!! It’s nice when your children get old enough to want to do for you.

    14. GoryDetails*

      Spring is springing – my snowdrops are blooming, birds are returning, and I even saw a bluebird at my suet feeder! (They don’t nest in my yard but it’s nice to see one even when it’s just passing through.)

    15. Flower*

      My local library branch had a story time for grown-ups!! I always envied the little kids who got read to. The librarian read us four short stories. It was wonderful!

        1. Flower*

          I only know the names of two of the stories. (1) “The Landlady” by Roald Dahl. (2) “One Grain of Rice, a Mathematical Folktale” by Demi. Beautiful illustrations in addition to good story.

          The first one was definitely not for kids!

    16. RagingADHD*

      I discovered the magic of the mantua-maker’s seam, and the bodice of my Regency ballgown came together so quickly, with the seams inside already having a clean finish! The fabric is semi-sheer and unlined, so a nice finish is important.

      I should be able to get the whole thing completed today, just in time to take some hand mending for other people’s costumes on our beach trip tomorrow and have everyone be resplendent at the ball.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yep, in 1 pass (unless you need to baste).

          And unlike many historical techniques, it adapts great to a sewing machine.

          1. Six Feldspar*

            Thanks so much for sharing, I love the look and durability of French seams but they’re sooooo much work…

    17. Voluptuousfire*

      For me:

      * I went to go pick up my friend for her chemo on Wednesday and driving there during rush-hour, I hit all the lights from my side of the road to her side of the road, which is about 3 miles or so, and got all the green lights. I cannot stress how rare this is.
      * my friend got her chemo blood work back and it’s showing that it looks like her chemo is working. Absolutely delighted to hear that.
      * I also found a really nice hat in Old Navy for the summer for $3.47.

    18. Dontbeadork*

      We had an extended power outage that kept me off my computer for several hours, so I actually did some sorting on my stamp collection! That means I’ve finally managed to tidy up much of one corner of our “office” as well.

    19. Girasol*

      First daffodil. Also, the tax accountant discovered an calculation error in my retirement account. Now that it’s found it’s getting fixed. Sometimes I think I should buckle down and prepare my own taxes but I never would have spotted that. So my decision to send them out is justified and the tax accountant has just saved me a lot more than he will charge.

    21. Chauncy Gardener*

      Our new rescue kitty is assimilating very quickly. She eats out of the dog’s bowl (while he is) and he lets her!
      We’re so happy about this!

    22. Sparkly Librarian*

      Costco had eggs! Now I have eggs! I have eaten scrambled eggs several times this week, and brought half a dozen boiled to add to snacks at a work meeting.

    23. dapfloodle*

      Went to a tiny local mini-golf place that just opened. It was very crowded, but the other patrons were gracious rather than grumpy, so we had a nice time.

    24. Crop Tiger*

      Hubby and I went to see the cat exhibit at the Field Museum in Chicago then had a great dinner.

    25. Emily Byrd Starr*

      Seeing my niece in her spring musical in high school and rehearsing for my own spring musical in community theater.

    26. dreamofwinter*

      I found a wonderful new home for one of my young roosters, and my incubator is full of duck and chicken eggs to hatch in a few weeks.
      It’s late enough in March that even though it still snows, the snow cleans itself up.
      My three formerly feral kittens are getting friendlier by the day, and integrating nicely with the three existing cats.
      And I get to see coworkers in person next week (we’re fully remote)!

    27. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For the first time in a very long time I took my tax forms to the accountant almost three weeks in advance of deadline. Yay me– Plenty of time for her to tell me what I forgot.

  5. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

    Hi! Does anyone have any favorite Aldi snacks for a type 2 diabetic?

    I got my A1C checked today and I have not gotten the results yet but I know it’s not gonna be as good as it was in the fall (6.1). I haven’t walked as much as I did then – I get a little over 10,000 steps on the weekdays but most of that is just walking around the office I work at.

    I’m not on any medication and I don’t track what I eat. I am a little overweight and I’m sure my doctor would love to put me on medication (that’s the first thing he suggested when I got diagnosed, he said he prob couldn’t get me on it for weight loss but would have better success for diabetics) but my dietician and I don’t want that. But I do really try and watch what I eat – not perfect but definitely better. I try and limit my carbs to 30-45 per meal, and under 15 max for snacks. If I go over I try and balance as much as I can.

    Anyway I do most of my shopping at Aldi!

    1. RagingADHD*

      Shelled pistachios or pepitas are my go tos. They also help boost your magnesium, which is important if you’re limiting carbs.

    2. Type 1*

      Hi there. While I’m type 1, the advice still applies: eat a snack of protein, maybe some fat. I eat cheese, for example, or peanut butter. The combo of protein with a little fat keeps you fuller longer.

      1. PhyllisB*

        My ex son-in-law was diabetic, and his mother told my daughter to make sure he ate peanut butter and Graham crackers before bed. My husband’s type 2 and he does that, too.
        I’m not diabetic, but two of my favorite snacks are and apple or pear with peanut butter and a few Ritz crackers. I know the Ritz are a no-go for diabetics, but maybe some whole grain crackers? Or string cheese with fruit and a few crackers. Or just a handful of low salt/unsalted nuts if you can eat them.

    3. Banana Pyjamas*

      Those are the same guidelines our family follows. No tips for Aldi, but FYI the Trim Healthy Mama plan follows that pretty closely. The starter book gets you the info you need, and misses most of the Christianity and gender essentialism. There ARE large, online communities for the plan, but I’m not in any since I really didn’t want to deal with diet culture, fundies, or gender bs.

      1. Sunflower*

        Aldi’s sell almond flour cookies. Not as tasty as “real” cookies but still pretty good when you want something sweet.

  7. ThatGirl*

    Our house is 30 years old and we’ve needed new floors forever. I would also really like to update the kitchen in general. So I’m now looking at renovators in the area and setting up consultations.

    I’m curious if any of you have done a full cosmetic facelift (floors, cabinets, countertops) in the last few years and how much it ran you. I was hopeful we could keep it under $50k but I’m not sure if that’s realistic.

    1. Former Local*

      We recently did a big remodel of all the bathrooms and kitchen in our new house (last renovated in the 90s). one of the things we did I highly recommend is we did Ikea cabinet boxes and then custom cabinet doors and panels. it was about half the cost of doing a fully custom kitchen!

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        This is what we are looking at doing (but also part of a bigger reno + I’m not in the US so I can’t really give you numbers…) the IKEA kitchen planner is also pretty good and will give you a price for everything you select (obviously if you don’t go with their appliances, or do custom doors that will be a bit off but it could give you a general idea)

    2. Sloanicota*

      My kitchen is very small (just a galley) and I did floors, cabinets, walls and some plumbing/electrical for $30K. That was more than I wanted to spend. Included new fridge, not new oven. I do think it will pay off when I sell the house because the previous kitchen was basically derelict (like, there was a hole in the floor) but it was more than I wanted to pay and if I’d known it would end up being that much, I probably would have waited, broken it up in stages, or tried to do more things myself. It was the classic “bid is reasonable, but whoops everything ends up being an add on” situation.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Should have said, very high cost of living area, and possibly a more expensive time – we were just past all that lumber shortage stuff, but maybe if I’d waited? There’s now likely to be a recession so prices may have dropped for labor …

      2. ThatGirl*

        We are in Chicago metro so not dirt cheap but not most expensive either. I am willing to wait on little cosmetic things like paint or new pantry shelving but we’re not super handy and I’d prefer a pro do the big stuff. It will both make me happy and increase our house’s value. And thanks :)

        1. Sloanicota*

          I was definitely happy I hired a pro overall; I had no ability to hang my own cabinets or re-wire and re-plumb the wall for a dishwasher (many people do have these skills! Just not me). I would have had to strong-arm various friends into service, and I try not to do that when I am able to pay. There *were* things I could have done, like demo, tiling, painting … but honestly once you’re on the rollercoaster it seems like too small a drop in the bucket to be worth the extra effort …

        2. LizWings*

          Also in the Chicago area, and our realtor told us it would cost $60k to redo our large 1990s bathroom 2 years ago, so we just decided to wait. If you get multiple quotes, hopefully you’ll find that you can have some control over the price based on what materials/options you choose. Good luck!

          1. ThatGirl*

            Thanks – definitely getting multiple quotes. As tired as I am of the kitchen etc it’s still functional, just dated.

    3. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

      Also recommending Ikea! We did a kitchen cosmetic renovation (floors, paint, new cabinets, quartz counters, undercabinet lighting, etc) for about $13,000 CAD a few years ago. Got engineered hardwood floors at a big box store on a double sale (buy more save more combined with a save the tax weekend). My hubs is very handy so we saved a ton because he did all the work besides the stone counter top himself. The Ikea cabinets have held up beautifully. Ikea used to do a kitchen event every year where you got 10 percent back in gift cards (which I used for things like drawer separators and a rug). I’m not sure if they still do this but if so, its worth waiting for!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did cabinets and counters – an L-shape on two walls of a roughly 12×12 kitchen, plus a butler’s pantry on a third wall, floor to ceiling – from IKEA for about $5k installed a few years back (including the installers removing the old stuff and taking it to the ReStore or the dump as appropriate). New sink, no appliances, and I did the painting myself. I just picked basic ikea cabinet fronts under the theory that if I wanted to replace them in a few years I could, though I did get nice handles and drawer pulls.

      We didn’t do floors at the time, but my husband’s brother installed four rooms of laminate flooring I bought at Costco for about $800 last year. (That part is probably not terribly helpful.)

    5. Not your typical admin*

      My husband and I flip houses, and my so and his friend just started doing basics renovations for us, so I have a little experience in the area. At least in our city, you could easily get it done for that much, depending on what all you want done.

      So so much depends on what materials you’re going with, and how much of your layout you’re changing. If you can avoid running extra plumbing/electric that will save you a lot.

      For materials look at overall quality. For flooring the most popular right now is luxury vinyl plank (lvp). The kind we use is waterproof, and extremely durable. One upgrade we did in our personal house was to get scratch proof. You can literally take a nail, scratch the top, and there’s no damage. We have 4 teens, and with them and their friends in the house that was a necessity.

      For countertops, granite and quartz are popular, but there’s also beautiful Formica that looks like granite, and holds up well.

      One thing I would recommend is instead of going to a big box store for everything go to a local places that specialize in each thing. You’re going to get a lot more options and better customer service. If you want a general contractor to oversee everything they’ll also have great recommendations. They know who knows that they’re doing.

      1. ThatGirl*

        We will not be moving any plumbing or electric or changing the layout + most of the appliances are fine (maybe a new fridge). I want quartz countertops but am willing to compromise if they’re stupid expensive. Floors… I like bamboo but that seems to have fallen out of favor. LVP is definitely a possibility. Anything above builder grade will be an improvement!

        Ideally I want one person to help me pick and oversee it all, but I realize there may be a premium for using a builder/remodeler.

        1. Not your typical admin*

          I love bamboo – just not familiar with how it holds up with water. My primary focus when I was picking out was durability and then looks. At least here, quartz is more expensive, but not outrageously so.

          Like I said – I would stop in a couple of local flooring or countertop places and ask who they recommend as a GC. I’ve found they tend to know the best people who aren’t outrageous, yet know what they’re doing. If you have any friends who are realtors, they probably have some good leads to. It would be worth it to me to have someone overseeing and coordinating everything since you’ll have multiple projects

        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          This would be an added cost, but just to say that working with a designer could also be something to think about – particularly one who can help with “materials selection”. My husband and I hate shopping and so we’re really enjoying have someone where we can be like “our budget is $$ and we like x colours” and then she comes back with stuff for us to consider. The one we found is only adding a few thousand to our budget. She’s also really helping us with the little finishing touches, like needing little panels for the IKEA cabinets to make them look a little nicer.

      2. Strive to Excel*

        I have cats and we were concerned about potential leakage, so when we remodelled my tiny house we got the variety of vinyl plank that locks together to prevent liquids from getting under the planks. It’s very clever. I like that it has a lot of the visual appeal of wood while being a lot more moisture resistant and easy to clean. It’s also not super cold like tile. Would recommend.

    6. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Sound advice on the kitchen side was that it costs about as much as a new-to-you car.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Probably doesn’t count as “the last few years” because it was 2016. We did that with only one layout change (moving the fridge) which didn’t cost much, and we replaced most of the appliances. If we hadn’t replaced the appliances it would have been about $50K. We splurged on the counter, hood vent, and backsplash, used stock cabinets, and got an upgraded vinyl floor.

    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I’m in western Washington and our remodeling was a bigger effort so I can’t advise directly on cost but that sounds low if someone else is doing all the work.

      I have a friend who did her kitchen for somewhere around this amount with a lot of effort. She got Ikea cabinet boxes, then got most of the fronts from Scherr’s and one set of paintable doors from Semihandmade. She also shopped at a place that sells secondhand stuff for remodeling so she could pick up things like a slab of granite for the countertop in her little bar/glassware area. She had to be very flexible and opportunistic on design for some things and that took time on her part to bring the pieces together before they started the actual construction. They had one very talented guy who did all the work so if one item got delayed, like tile that got held up for a while, he could shift to doing another part of it. All of which is to say, there are ways to save money on the parts but that’s time value on your end.

      Our house is about the same age as yours. Bigger project; we needed to take down an internal wall, add a laminated beam for support, add an island and more. We also did a bunch of other things at the same time and I truly can’t break out the “just the kitchen” costs. We did flooring through the whole house, baseboard and trim to get rid of the builder-grade stuff, new appliances, enlarged a window. This is the last house we’re going to buy so we were making decisions we’ll live with for decades. (Glad we’d moved the right direction from higher COL to lower COL area to make all this possible.)

      First piece of advice: Yes, you have a budget. If you’re hesitating on something you want and you’re able to think that years from now those extra dollars won’t make as much difference as knowing you could have had it the way you wanted it and you’ve lived with not-quite-right all these years, I say go for it.

      I said this in a reply to someone else’s remodeling question a while back, “The agony of low quality lingers long after the sweetness of low cost is gone.” Particularly for something you can’t change easily later like countertops. Everyone is in a different financial situation; I’m able to say that I’d be kicking myself now if I’d saved $3,000 two years ago on a specific decision that I’ll live with for decades.

      We were able to spread out some of the purchases, like buying the appliances during a sale and storing them in the garage until we started the project.

      Second piece of advice we got that almost worked right: Get the things you have to purchase before the labor costs start and inspect everything to make sure it’s right. Otherwise the project stretches out while you wait for something to be delivered, the crew gets tasked to other jobs and can’t come back to yours for a while, and it will take far, far longer. We almost had this right but we were getting Kraftmaid cabinets, they got a piece wrong (created by an error at our local cabinet shop, not their fault), and it took a long time to get the replacement because that was only one piece and not the whole kitchen.

      If you can just reface the cabinets, not replace the entire boxes and change the layout, you can save a lot. That wasn’t an option for us. The house had been a rental and some of the lower cabinets had genuinely rotted out from a leak. We were also making enough changes that the existing cabinets just didn’t work.

      We worked with a designer after I spent some time trying to figure out how to make use of a space that was both sort of too big and stupidly arranged. (Don’t put a stove into an angled corner with almost no counter space, sheesh.) We bought the house knowing we’d have to do a pretty major remodel. I thought I’d be able to do the design by reading a bunch about work zones and thinking about kitchens I’ve had and loved (and asking people on Houzz but man, they can be awful sometimes). At some point I really needed a designer. She created drawings we could share with a contractor who oversaw all the subs and helped me think through alternatives for using the big stupid space in different ways.

      She also helped with the choices of materials. Picking things out became exhausting after a while. You’d think it would be fun, but trying to decide whether this particular countertop shaded more to this color and the cabinets shaded more to this other color that ultimately wouldn’t look good together and neither of these went with the cork flooring I had my heart set on? Not. Fun. At. All. I went back into email to remind myself of my flooring color name and found one I sent my sister with the subject line “The agony of countertops.”

      Best advice I got was to choose what the anchor was and work all the other colors around that. For some that would be cabinets, others counters. For me that was the flooring, a gray/brown cork plank that I really really love. So nice to walk on. Everyone has luxury vinyl plank and I personally was sick of it although I had it in another house and thought it was great. (They don’t make the color that I got anymore; it was Antrim Fashionable Graphite, not super corky in appearance.)

      I also kept all the materials very neutral. I love colors but if they’re built into the house you’re not going to change them any time soon. All my color comes from things I can change out like towels, counter stools, chotchkes, dishes (not that I would give up my Fiestaware).

      I’m sitting by the space now and I can tell you that every time I look at it I’m glad we made the decisions that might have added a bit to the cost but made it a kitchen I’ll live with forever. No cooktop in a stupid angle corner now–we had them go into the garage a tiny bit to turn the angle into a true corner and I picked up a bunch of storage that way. I love my kitchen and floors.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Rereading I decided $50K may not necessarily be low but it depends on how you approach choosing the materials. I got quartz countertops after reading up on the care and characteristics of every possible material and I’m very happy with them. If I’d had my heart set on marble I couldn’t have afforded the project. We could have gotten cheaper flooring but that was the thing I wouldn’t yield on. The shape of the kitchen and what we were changing meant that Ikea just didn’t quite work and we would have been paying for customizing that would have added up so we just went with the cabinetry outfit our general contractor recommended. On and on.

      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Don’t put a stove into an angled corner with almost no counter space, sheesh.
        When we were looking at houses to potentially buy, one (new construction!) had a kitchen with counter and cabinets running against the back wall, and then they had built in a spot for a refrigerator opening next to them that completely blocked 3 feet of counter and cabinet space. It was like it was designed by someone who had heard about kitchens, and knew the general elements that go into one, but had never tried to actually use a kitchen in a functional way.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Right?! When I was using Houzz to ask questions and look up discussion threads on specific topics I saw someone’s picture of their brand-new all custom kitchen they were so proud of. With a stove set in a corner at an angle and no counter space on either side. These are not kitchens for people who actually cook.

          1. Not your typical admin*

            So true! And to each his own. My brother and his wife have a beautiful kitchen – that she refuses to cook in.

      3. ThatGirl*

        Appreciate all the info. Our cabinets are not in horrible shape but I’m not sure they have another 15 years in them. I am willing to spend more than $50k if everything is right, but I don’t want to wipe out all our cash savings is the big thing. Plus this is a townhome. I can easily see how someone could do 100k of updates (beyond the kitchen) but it probably wouldn’t net us 100k in equity.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          And if you’re going to sell and not live with it forever you can and should make decisions based on that. Good luck!

          1. ThatGirl*

            I mean we want to move eventually, but the plan is to be here a few more years at least. Still, it seems foolish to not keep resale value in mind. Thanks :)

    9. AJB*

      I live in the Midwest in a LCOL area. Just did a gut job on our kitchen. Opened a wall and did some structural repair under the house as well. They also finished out the diy bathroom remodel we started two years ago (new quartz countertop, finished some trim work, fixed some tiles on the floor). It cost us $35k.

    10. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      One more suggestion: Buy a bit of extra flooring in case of future damage. In a house we used to live in we had a hose bib leak that flooded inside the house. Could no longer match the flooring (LVP) and fortunately insurance would cover the cost of replacing an entire level of flooring when only one small corner was actually ruined. If we’d been able to find six or seven planks we could have fixed it.

      With that in mind we bought some extra of our new flooring that we’re keeping on hand just in case. I know our flooring will change color somewhat from sun exposure and I suppose I could be super-prepared and get out the spare planks every once in a while but I’m not going that far. That’s what rugs are for.

    11. MCL*

      We did a semi remodel in 2019 (finished just before the pandemic started in earnest in 2020). We kept the original 1950s cabinets and repainted those ourselves, so that knocked out a lot of cost. We replaced a terrible light fixture with new can lights, replaced the countertop, new tile backsplash, new oven hood, replaced a ceiling fan and an exterior door. No new flooring or redoing the plumbing. It clocked in about 20K. We’re in Madison, WI.

    12. WFH4VR*

      Where are you? In New England a full kitchen reno is going to cost you minimum of $100,000 for a small galley kitchen. I assume if you’re somewhere like Iowa maybe you could do it for $50,000.

    13. Observer*

      I’m curious if any of you have done a full cosmetic facelift (floors, cabinets, countertops) in the last few years and how much it ran you,‘

      We did, but we also had include some not-so-cosmetic stuff (electrical work and plumbing). Well under $50k, NYC (though not Manhattan.) We made the furniture purchase just over a year ago. I would expect most of our expenses to have gone up, but even with all that I think we would still be able to come in a fair bit under $50K. We did not but any new appliances, though.

      We got the cabinets from IKEA, the flooring and sinks from Home Depot, countertops from a local guy, and had all of the work done by our people rather than IKEA.

      IKEA cabinets are shockingly good value for the money, their on line planner is good, but their in store service is excellent. When we made our purchase, there was a refundable fee (ie you paid for it, and if you made a purchase from them, it was refunded.) But to be honest it would have been worth it even without the refund. The person had a really good design sense and also knew the options very well.

    14. Mrs. D*

      I live in a HCOL area, and my husband and I completely put in a new kitchen in the house we now live in. We went with Home Depot because they were able to get us what we wanted in the budget we were looking for (local small businesses were quoting way above our budget at the time so we unfortunately couldn’t go with them). We got all new appliances (dishwasher, oven/range, fridge, garbage disposal, stove hood), new countertops (quartz) and sink, all new cabinet boxes/doors/handles/etc., and new laminate floor. Also all new electrical since the electrical was original to the house (build in late 1950s) and a new electrical sub-panel had to be installed. The cabinets, countertops, and countertop installation (we did have our own contractor do the cabinet install) came to about $15K-$16K. Appliances were another $8k. Floor was about $800-$1K, and we used laminate (and love it). Labor for everything brought the total cost up to about $40K-$45K. This was back in 2021, so before the worst inflation. Not sure how much more you’d pay for the same stuff now.

  8. Bookworm*

    I’m in the US. Looking for input from those who switched from broadband internet to 5G home internet. My broadband has gotten stupidly expensive, but 5G is now more available where I live. The 5G is half the cost of broadband. I know it’s very location dependent, but I get good reception at home on my smartphone with the same 5G provider I’m considering.

    1. hummingbird*

      I switched to fiber but when I considered this, I wondered if having both my cell phone and internet service from the same provider would be a bad idea.

    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      We have ATT Internet Air, and it’s horrible. I often end up using my mobile hotspot (Verizon via Tracfone Wireless) instead. I found most 5G internet isn’t available in our area, even though cell service maps indicate 5G coverage.

    3. Clara Bowe*

      Honestly? Call your broadband provider and drop to the lowest tier they offer. Unless you and 3+ members of your fam are hardcore gaming AND streaming 24/7, I bet you don’t need the tier you have likely been grandfathered in to.

      YMMV, but I realized that the tier I had been pushed into was three tiers above the bottom tier and that the bottom tier had a 25MBPS speed. Originally, the tier I signed up for was 5mbps and they just didn’t offer that plan anymore and kept me at the same tier rather than speed. I demanded they drop me to the lowest plan, and I went from paying $60/month to $25 with a two year guarantee on price.

      If nothing else, go look at your provider’s current plan list and see if there is anything new/different! You might be surprised.

    4. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      There is only 1 broadband provider in my area and they are expensive. I got 5G internet from “Horizon” and its been widely unreliable trying to find a spot in my house that gets good reception from the tower. I’ve considered changing to another 5G provider but figure I would have the same problem. Made many troubleshooting calls but it still drops out and have to reset the cube.
      Never had a problem with my cellphone with that provider so I wouldn’t depend on that being the same case.

      1. sagewhiz*

        It sounds like you need an internet booster.

        My 97-yr-old bungalow is sooooo well built (Southern pine studs that have basically petrified + rebar in the walls!) that wi-fi didn’t even travel the 40-some feet from my office at the front to the kitchen at the back. Placed a booster halfway between, and voila. Now wi-fi even reaches my back deck. Plug & play ones are easiest to install.

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I have a room at the back of the house that I did a $35 plug in web booster for, and it’s great there now.

    5. crookedglasses*

      I use the TMO home internet and I’ve been pretty happy with it! It’s gone down a small handful of times in the +/- four years I’ve had it, but it seems at least as reliable as Comcast and Century Link are locally. And it’s way cheaper. The small number of times that I needed to interact with customer service were also way better than when I’ve had the other two.

  9. Financial advising*

    How would I go about selecting a financial/investment advisor? My spouse used to do that but he died and left me clueless. I realize that this is an uncertain time for making financial decisions but I need to talk to someone who is knowledgeable, professional, impartial, will charge a fee for their time & expertise but has no incentive to steer me in any particular direction.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Look for a fiduciary, who are obligated to act in their clients’ interests – but also, ask around – see if friends or family have any local recs.

      1. Brevity*

        You can also find a fiduciary through your regular bank — for example, if you bank with Chase, you can easily set up a meeting with a JP Morgan fiduciary. (No, I am not a paid spokesperson; use any freakin’ bank you want.)

    2. Rick Tq*

      Talk to one of the investment companies or a local credit union about a financial advisor. If your company has an EAP program they may offer a referral service too. You want an advisor who is paid based on the value of the portfolio they manage, so their incentive is to make your money grow regardless of if it is stocks, bonds, or other investments.

      I agree you should ask your friends but don’t be afraid to say someone isn’t right for you after you speak to them.

      1. Owned by cats*

        I strongly disagree with this advice. Brokers that charge even a 1% fee on assets under management are extremely unlikely to provide value commensurate with the fee because brokers are consistently unable to outperform the market. You want an hourly or flat fee-based advisor. And unless you are a high net worth individual you are unlikely to need extensive advice.

      2. IT Manager*

        Strongly disagree, sorry.

        “Assets under management” fees both eat up WAY too much off your portfolio, and can hide some truly horrific fees on trading that actually incentivize very bad active management behavior that can both cost you fees and lose value.

        Please look for “fee only” advisor.

    3. Pentapus*

      this is definitely a situation where you want to talk to several people and get a feel for their advice, how well they listen to you etc.

    4. Busy Middle Manager*

      who is your biggest brokerage account with? Start there. I just looked on Schwab (where my account is) and it’s almost too easy. Too many options, they have a page for everything. I’ve done there click-through menus to set up a CD/bond ladder. Looks like they have similar things for stocks and a contact for where you enter how much you have + what your goal is

      Also if you’re unaware, you can buy bond funds like you do a stock (BND and TLT being the most popular). Buy those, SPY (SP500 fund), VTI (total stock find) and VXUS (international fund) and you got a full portfolio without needing an adviser. Just an idea. Of course I like some other funds like VPU (utility fund for income)

    5. FinancialAdvice*

      Just be aware that many financial advisors are paid by commission, and most folks associated with banks will offer free consultations but try to push you into managed programs where they take a percentage off the top annually which will really add up. The big online brokerage services used to offer free 24/7 advice, but they have been backing off from all but very generic advice (for example, 15 years ago you could discuss specific stocks/funds with them but 7-8 years ago they were pushing back and saying things like we don’t offer direct advice on specific offerings but would discuss things like three possible ways to add foreign tech sector to your portfolio while limiting risks). You used to be able to just drop in, too, but the last time I went in person for just that purpose I was turned away.

      1. FinancialAdvice*

        Big online brokerages == Schwab, Fidelity, etc – so they have some onsite offices with local staff but also 24/7 phone/online access.

    6. Accountant*

      My dad uses his accountant. If you have one to help with your taxes you might see if they offer these services too or see if they have recommendations.

    7. In Florida*

      Search for Plan Stronger TV with David Holland on the internet. He has a lot of videos that give you general introductions to financial issue. There is one particular one about how to select a Financial advisor.

    8. ReallyBadPerson*

      We have used Ayco (now owned by Goldman Sachs) for years and are very happy. We have quarterly meetings with our adviser and he always has recommendations for moving money around to balance out our portfolio. Regardless of whom you choose, you want fee-based services. They will work with you on your specific goals (for example, do you want aggressive growth, which carries a higher risk, or more moderate growth?) You will know by the second meeting if your adviser is really listening to you and explaining things well.

    9. LivesinaShoe*

      When I was really starting from scratch, I found the r/personalfinance subReddit to be amazingly helpful. Pleasant people giving reasonable advice, and written how to guides that are very reasonable and understandable. You might not want to and there, but it’s a great place to start.

    10. IT Manager*

      XY network and Nectarine are both lists of fee only advisors.

      Look for someone who is CFP, and is fee-only “not fee-based” and ask to confirm that they are a fiduciary.

      1. HipsandMakers*

        I second this. I used XY network to find my advisor. There are filtering options that allowed me to find an advisor in my area who had worked with people in my profession. I sent inquiries to about five of them, had interviews with three, and have been happy with the advisor I chose.

        1. Insinuendo*

          Is XY network the same as XY Planning Network? That’s what is coming up on my internet search.

  10. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun literary question of the week:

    What two books seem joined in your brain, no matter how different they are style or story wise?

    I just finished Mona Acts Out, by Mischa Berlinski, which has as a plot element #metoo and a powerful man getting called out. It’s very well written and makes me want to dive back into my Riverside Shakespeare (the main character is an actor preparing to play Cleopatra.)

    It’s different in almost every way, but the whole time I was reading I was mentally hooking it to Tara French’s The Witch Elm. In many ways the books are fun house mirror reflections–both deal with #metoo, both have main characters wrestling with what it means to be “predatory.” The former has a female lead character written by a male author, the latter a male lead by a female author.

    What books remind you specifically of other books and make you pair them mentally?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Poisonwood Bible and Life of Pi, because they were some of the first “grown up” books I read as a teenager, around the same time.

      1. Texan in Exile*

        I put The Poisonwood Bible with King Leopold’s Ghost! They are both about the Congo and about an utter disregard for the people of the Congo (although at a different scale).

        I always tell people to read them together.

        1. Higher-ed Jessica*

          Same! These books are both excellent. I didn’t read them at the same time, but they would make a great pairing.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I think another reason those two are connected for me is they deal with religion in really interesting ways. I was at the peak of my religious phase around the same time I read them so some of that stuff, both the harm and benefit of faith, really resonated. I still love them now as an atheist though.

      2. Middle Aged Lady*

        The Princess Bride and American Gods. Because they were gifts from my nephew during COVID. That’s the only link. They were both excellent escapes when I was stuck at home.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Chronicles of Narnia and Prydain Chronicles because they are wonderful imaginary worlds and I read them at about the same time.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Two Books that I somehow got mixed up in my mind are “Cleaving” by Julie Powell and “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail” by Cheryl Strayed. Memoirs by two strong independent women, but not really that much in common other than coming out within a few years of each other.

        1. Chaordic One*

          “Cleaving” was written right after “Julie and Julia” (which was a delight and the basis for the movie of the same name). In “Cleaving” Julie let us see some of her warts. TBH I really didn’t care for it, and it made me think a little less of her. (I can be judgemental, I know.)

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Powell unfortunately passed away from a heart attack a year or so ago, which made me soften towards Cleaving. I did admire her not softening the questionable decisions she wrote about in that book, even if I thought she was causing herself and her partner a lot of grief for no well thought out reasons.

      2. allathian*

        Not books, but authors, Tove Jansson and Selma Lagerlöf. Each of them wrote for both children and adults in Swedish, although Jansson was a Finn. Both of their works, especially their children’s books, have been widely translated.

        Lagerlöf was two generations older, and she was the first woman to win the Nobel prize for literature in 1909.

        Both of them were also lesbian at a time when homosexual relationships were illegal, although at least in the Nordic countries women rarely faced any legal consequences. Jansson and her partner Tuulikki Pietilä lived in separate staircases on the top floor of an apartment building with an attic that was accessible from every staircase so that they could visit each other without all their neighbors knowing about it (sad, but necessary at the time).

        Lagerlöf was in relationships with two women simultaneously. I’m not calling them polyamorous because neither of her partners consented to her seeing the other partner and both were jealous of the other, but she was rich and could keep them in comfort so they put up with it. When she won the Nobel prize, she took one of her partners as a plus one to the dinner and shared her hotel room with the other. (I saw a really interesting documentary about her last year.)

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      The Murderbot Diaries and The Scholomance, which I started about the same time (from recs here) and which both feature a protagonist who is already several years into being the impressive bad ass that they are, and the first book is instead about that person becoming part of a team for the first time.

    5. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Actually I have a Poisonwood Bible one too – that and God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. I think I read them around the same time and they both left big impressions!

    6. Hoary Vervain*

      I can’t think of books off the top of my head, but there are two authors who are very different but somehow the same person to me? Margaret Atwood and Barbara Kingsolver. I think for the same reason as Dark Macadamia – they were some of the first grown up authors I read, and I guess because they’re both fairly feminist (or maybe just Serious Female Writers, which even in the 90s seemed like a special thing). And their books were always lying around my house growing up.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Not books but plays. I recently saw “Our Town” on Broadway and realized halfway through that I had mingled it in my mind with “Ah, Wilderness!” because we did them in consecutive years in HS and they both have a teenage love story.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m fascinated by fiction patterned on older non fiction sources.

      eg:

      World war z by Max Brooks
      and
      The good war by Studs Terkel

      3 men in a boat by Jerome.K Jerome.
      and
      To say nothing of the dog by Connie Willis

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oops flip that second one Connie Willis is the modern fiction and Jerome.K jerome is the victorian memoir

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Looove WWZ and The Good War! I’m not a zombie person but that was such a good way to tell a zombie story.

    9. carcinization*

      Oh, sure. I read Maas’ Throne of Glass for book club, and at some point I gave up on trying to list the similarities with Hodgell’s The God Stalker Chronicles, an older and less popular book which I thought was much better!

    10. Sara K*

      When I read The Scholomance by Naomi Novik, I kept seeing it as kind of writing against the Harry Potter books. I don’t mean that it was parody or a satire of that universe but I kept thinking that Novik was applying a critical eye to the Potter world building. I read Potter as an adult and could see why the books were hugely successful but I enjoyed The Scholomance series way more.

    11. Six Feldspar*

      Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel and Blood and Beauty by Sarah Dunant – both have a throwaway reference to faking an antique statue, and the timeline just works so that a young Thomas Cromwell might have crossed paths with a middle aged Lucrezia Borgia

    12. Nightengale*

      When I was in American Literature in high school we had to pick a book off a list and then write a paper comparing/contrasting it with 2 other books we read that year. I got permission to use a book from a prior year and wrote about men who were simultaneously respected in and somewhat apart from their communities: Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird (prior year), Sam Hamilton in East of Eden (that year) and David Wilson in “Pudd’nhead Wilson.” (the list.)

      Also the year we read To Kill a Mockingbird we also read Romeo and Juliet with the speech, “twas a lark the herald of the morn, no nightingale” which was one of only two things I was ever asked to memorize in highschool. That year we also sang a lot of songs about birds in chorus and I used to go outside at lunch and whistle to the birds, so they all got stuck together. Even though we didn’t sing any songs about mockingbirds. (no my username doesn’t come from that nightingale but from the Nightingale of Samarkand in Once Upon a Mattress, spelled wrong)

  11. Dark Macadamia*

    Poisonwood Bible and Life of Pi, because they were some of the first “grown up” books I read as a teenager, around the same time.

    2. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      Poisonwood Bible broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. I will never forget it.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        I need a re-read. The first time I read it was to flirt with a fellow nerdy eighth-grader, so I sped through it and was too young to fully appreciate it. Mostly what I got out of it then was that I hated missionaries and evangelical religion (I actually have family who lived in what was then Zaire as missionaries at the time). I think I’ve read it twice since, but it’s been at least 15 years. I’m sure my perspective will have changed.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I read it so many times as a teen. I’m kind of afraid to read it again now because what if I don’t love it as much?

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Valid fear. I was going to say I have no doubt the book will hold up, but I guess that’s not necessarily the same thing as the *reader* still feeling the same way. I think, for me, I’d probably find myself either identifying with or judging the mother more, seeing as how the last time I read it was waaaay pre-kids for me. Now I really need to re-read it (umm, somewhere between Temeraire and Dragons of Pern, I guess?). I’ll report back!

  12. Busy Middle Manager*

    Has anyone seen Jefferson Fisher’s videos? He has his own channel but has been doing all of the big podcasts lately, like Mel Robbins, and is being peddled as some new groundbreaking communications expert.

    I’m dying for others’ opinions because I find his points of view so wrong, but everyone is fawning over him in every comment section!

    An underlying theme in his videos is to deescalate situations and pause a lot and breathe before speaking, and to ignore people who are being perceived as disrespectful. He cares a lot about demanding respect. Thousands of comments say these are the most brilliant points ever.

    I find it kind of condescending in practice. I had a coworker like him in practice and he used to drive me nuts. He thought he had this brilliant handle on owning situations, but he ended up as coming across smug and not reading the room. For example, maybe someone is frantic because there is an emergency, so “deescalating” could actually be causing more tension

    I also wonder if there is a class element, where his tips work better in upper class areas? Or just pretty privilege (some pictures of him look like AI since his face is so symmetrical :-/)

    1. Annie*

      Not Jefferson Fisher specifically but I’m familiar with another communications “expert” who sounds amazing if that’s the first such expert you encountered, but who turns out to be less so if you look into their background. That background is supposedly where the expert insight comes from, but the background doesn’t seem like one that would provide it. A major “hook” is claiming credit for certain sales tactics being nowhere then suddenly everywhere. Another one is claiming individual credit for terms that had been coined long before he even got his first podcast appearance, e.g. “I call it fogging” vs. “Therapists call it fogging” or “This behavior is known as fogging”.

      At least Jefferson Fisher can honestly claim his communication skills were honed by his experiences as a lawyer.

      Unfortunately, many podcasts run on “don’t let the facts get in the way of a good conversation”. It’s also difficult to account for every “but sometimes!” situation when giving advice, to the point where “N signs someone is X” listicles should be taken as risk factors, not signs or symptoms.

    2. Southern Violet*

      My first question is to ask if his examples of de-escalating hysteria are all or mostly women? Something about that plus demanding respect just pings my radar.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Anyone focused on “demanding respect” is EXTREMELY suss to me. Big ol’ red flags anytime someone is overly concerned about “respect” in every.single.situation.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        Hard same. Any time someone goes straight to (dis)respect as the main issue about something I immediately get suspicious. Although respect is important and disrespect does happen, it’s often a catch-all for all kinds of issues ranging from the trivial to the (imo) way bigger than respect and I think respect is often a poor stand-in for the issue someone is having.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember Lynn Truss quoting a sociologist who said if you want an environment where manners, status, and protocol are paramount, don’t look at a palace, look at a prison.

      3. Cookie Monster*

        Yep. It deflects from the content of the argument/conversation and makes it about the tone, which is a convenient way of shifting the focus away from your own behavior.

    4. Zona the Great*

      That honestly sounds like the code of “respect” in prisons. Have you ever heard a serious criminal go on and on about demanding respect? This sounds the same.

    5. the cat's pajamas*

      I have not but sending solidarity your way as someone who has had this happen around similar kinds of things.

  13. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’ve been working through The Bright Ages by David Perry and Matthew Gabriele. I’m enjoying it, but somehow the info isn’t sticking with me. It’s a history of the Middle Ages but looking at them as a time when a lot of awesome things happened rather than being dark and terrible.

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, I’ve wanted to read that forever!

      I just finished Mona Acts Out, which I enjoyed mainly through my lens as a former theater rat and dreaming of playing all the Big Roles in Shakespeare. It’s really well written and paced properly so you don’t get impatient or feel like something important has been skipped.

      I just now started–like today–Butter, by Asako Yuzuki. I like it so far, but the two main characters have super similar names and I have trouble figuring out who’s who. And…

      The story is fiction, but hinges on a real life serial killer case in Japan in which a woman met, married, and killed several lonely heart type older men, mainly through her gourmet cooking. Which is fine, but I’m like eleven pages in and already this woman is being critiqued mainly in terms of her weight and how “huge” she is. She is 154 pounds, which is a weight I don’t even bother dreaming of trying to achieve. The point is to delve into misogyny and fatphobia in Japanese culture, but man.

      1. Anastasia Krupnik*

        In the edition I read (bought in Europe so presumably UK) she’s 110 to 120 lb (her weight changes at different points).

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Yep. The protagonist is interviewing the serial killer, who is considered “Huge” at 154 pounds, and to get her to agree to the meetings she has to try all the woman’s favorite foods. She puts on about 20 pounds and is apparently irredeemable from her society’s perspective.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Just finished Woodworking by Emily St James, whose career I’ve followed for awhile. It’s her first novel and it was great.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading Long Bright River and finding it pretty meh. I loved God of the Woods and I’ve seen a lot of people say they enjoyed this one as much or more, but I knew going in that the premise didn’t really appeal to me and I was hoping I’d get into it anyway. I’m not abandoning it yet but not particularly excited to come back to it either.

      1. Wordnerd*

        I found Long Bright Over meh as well, but what really bugged me in a small way is her refusal to use quotation marks. I can’t imagine what stylistic benefit there was to it, and occasionally I was confused whether something was dialogue or her internal observations.

    4. Catherine*

      Can I request recommendations- the comment above from Dark Macademia reminded me how much I loved the Poisonwood Bible, has anyone ever found something similar?

      1. Jackalope*

        Which elements of Poisonwood Bible spoke to you? Is there something that you got out of it that you’d love to see in another book?

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Definitely need the answer to that because my answer is just “read everything Barbara Kingsolver ever writes, ever.”

      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Same author, Animal Vegetable Miracle. About eating locally for a year, and arrived on the cusp of the local food movement.

        1. Clisby*

          I really enjoyed Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Because of it, I tried reading Poisonwood Bible and just could not get into it. I do plan to give Demon Copperhead a try.

          1. Southern Violet*

            I want to pick up that book too. I love that she is donating some of the money from Demon Copperhead sales to build a rehab center.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        She has two books of nonfiction essays that I love, particularly one about having to write a sex scene between two characters. She was really tripping about it, and her best friend asked why she thought she was having so much trouble. Barbara blurted out “What if my MOTHER reads it???”

        The friend stared at her and said Barbara, you’re an adult, you’ve been married twice, you have a kid. She knows that you know.

      4. Dark Macadamia*

        The other book of hers I remember liking was The Bean Trees. I abandoned Flight Behavior with a one star rating but I don’t remember why lol – I think I just got bored of it?

        These all are kind of grouped mentally for me, but I think it’s partly just that they were books that I brought to college with me instead of leaving them in my childhood home:

        Life of Pi as I said above – what it has in common is the exploration of religion and survival, plus a really vivid setting/situation.

        The Tiger’s Wife – it’s been awhile since I read this one but aspects of family epic, being in a strange place, and spirituality.

        The Book Thief – beautifully written, emotionally devastating. It has some of the sorta eerie omnipotent vibe that some of the Poisonwood chapters had.

        1. Catherine*

          Thanks, I will try the the tigers wife!!

          I read Life of Pi in high school and remember being SO FRUSTRATED by the twist at the end, I can still feel the rage hehe

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      I finished reading “Rainbow Black” by Maggie Thrash. It’s a stunning character study about a 13-year old girl whose parents run an in-home daycare and are arrested on Satanic Panic-induced charges. It’s well-written and the characters are really compelling. (And there’s loads more going on beside the Satanic Panic stuff.) It’s the kind of book that was difficult to read at times and yet I did not want it to be over.

      Now I’m reading “Headshot” by Rita Bullwinkel. It’s set in a girl’s boxing competition and each chapter covers one round of the tournament. It’s about the girls and their lives and hopes and dreams and even their futures. The author manages to make each character distinct and each chapter interesting.

    6. Manders*

      I will be finishing The House in the Cerulean Sea tonight. Found out about it on this site and am so glad I followed everyone’s advice. It’s delightful!

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I loved that one, but the sequel (Somewhere Beyond the Sea) didn’t really do anything for me. I felt like House in the Cerulean Sea trusted the reader to understand the message of the story, but Somewhere Beyond the Sea had no faith that the reader would understand anything that a character didn’t explicitly explain after it happened. YMMV certainly, but I actually wish I’d not read the sequel.

    7. Hoary Vervain*

      Halfway through the first Temeraire book and I am in love. Mostly with Temeraire, but also with Naomi Novik. Every single book/series I’ve read by her has been so different but so good in its own way. She’s a genius.

      Also, I fascinated by the similarities and differences between Temeraire and Fourth Wing (I wanted to like Fourth Wing but just can’t get into it for reasons I will not rant about here). Next up for me is Dragon Riders of Pern, which I understand is really the start of all the modern dragon-riding (as opposed to dragon-slaying) books. I can’t wait to keep following this thread back and seeing the evolution.

      1. Hyaline*

        I love Temeraire! Among my favorite literary characters. I hate to say it but I didn’t love the later books in the series…but I will always love Temeraire.

          1. Full of Woe*

            It’s been a while since I read the series, but I felt the same about the later books. They become very grim.

      2. carcinization*

        For book club I recently read Munda’s Fireborne, which from what I can tell is sort of a YA version of Fourth Wing? Not sure what your quibbles are with Fourth Wing but it might be worth considering? I found it quite Harry Potter derivative and felt vindicated when I read at the end that the author came up writing Harry Potter fanfic, but the other folks in book club didn’t feel the same way….

    8. Teapot Translator*

      I finished Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. It’s not my usual type of book, but Du Maurier has a way of hooking you in with her writing. Would recommend.

    9. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week, sort of. My Penguin Classic is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. How have I never read this before? I am reading both the 1835 edition that would be more familiar to us all from the movies and such, and the original 1818 text. Mary, her husband Percy Bysshe Shelley, and their pal Lord Byron competed with each other to write the best gothic horror novel. The 1818 ed, before male editors toned it down, was more sympathetic to Dr. F, and more strongly promoted Mary’s feminist beliefs. I didn’t know her Mum was Mary Wollstonecraft, the feminist. Very excellent. I am reading the books side by side and finding dramatic differences.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I didn’t know there were two versions! Which modern edition uses the 1818 version?

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Sure! Nor did I! I bought the 1835, simply called ‘Frankenstein’ and then came across this original ed to read in tandem. It’s this Penguin: ‘Frankenstein: The 1818 Text’, ISBN 978-0-14-313184-7.

      2. allx*

        You have likely seen Winterson’s Frankissstein recommended here. One part if it revolves around the Mary Shelley-Percy Shelley-Byron friendship. Might be an interesting companion read for you if you haven’t read it already. I had a number of false starts before I read the book all the way through. I generally love Winterson’s writing but this one felt very off for me. Nonetheless, I mention it for your immersive reading consideration!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Hey, allx! Happy weekend! Thanks, yes, that’s on the list as well. My bucket list is becoming a barrel list – no bucket is big enough!

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Ooooh, Frankenstein! I reread that every year (the 1818 text) and it’s just one of those books you can always find new things in.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Current carrying-around book: The Ship Beneath the Ice by Mensun Bound, about the search for the wreck of Shackleton’s ship the Endurance. The book’s a delight to read, blending tidbits from Shackleton’s expedition with the first and second seasons of the high-tech search-team, and with the author’s personal reactions merged in. Quite fascinating – and often a reminder that even with the most modern equipment, the Antarctic ice and weather can be perilous.

      The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley: this one’s a multi-viewpoint thriller-with-several-twists, following a feisty, down-on-her-luck young woman as she tries to find out why her brother has disappeared after offering to let her stay in his apartment. The viewpoints switch between hers and those of other residents in the building, with loads of hints as to Something Bad Happening, and with gradual reveals of relationships and secrets and motives… It actually works out rather better than I’d hoped, though still quite dark in places. I kept thinking that it felt like one of the better and more devious Alfred Hitchcock films.

      And this one, which I chose largely for the lovely presentation – it’s one of those books with the decorated page-edges, this one featuring a handsome books-on-shelves design: A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid, in which two college students have a bickering foes-to-lovers relationship while delving into the truth behind a recently-deceased and much-lauded author’s fictional-or-are-they works. There are plot points inspired by Welsh mythology, questions as to the actual authorship of those works, and lots of messing around with the borders between magic and reality.

      1. allx*

        Two mini Penguin Modern Classics this week: Kathy Acker’s New York City in 1979 (disturbing, depressing, sad) and Katherine Ann Porter’s The Cracked Looking-Glass (sad, bittersweet). Seems like a lot of this collection strikes me as either sad or incomprehensible. I cherry-picked the interesting (to me) authors at the beginning and am now left with things that don’t seem to grab me.

        I have just started Pessoa’s The Book of Disquiet and have high hopes based on Nervous Nellie’s love for it. I am reading the Margaret Jull Costa translation rather than Richard Zenith’s translation published by Penguin. I chose that one after reading about a guy (Half-Pint Press) who hand typeset and printed selections from Costa’s version onto various ephemera and boxed it. Too bad only 60 copies were produced. I would love to own one. It is just the sort of thing that appeals to me.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Ah, Pessoa! Yes, his dreamy ramblings are wonderful. There are many quotable quotations and ideas to pull from this book. So odd! And if you want one of the Half Pint Press version, there’s one listed on Biblio in Maryland….

          1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

            Would this work well as an audiobook? My library only has that, not a book-book, and I prefer reading to listening.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              It does! Naxos does an audiobook – you can play sections of it in their site to see if the reader’s voice (Alan Sims) appeals. I’m not wild about his reading – he sounds like an AI voice to me. But see what you think!

          3. allx*

            My research skills suck apparently. I didn’t see the Half Pint version listed. I will delve further.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Good luck! I hope the listing doesn’t disappear on you!

              Another thought – I read somewhere that several were donated to museums and libraries. If you can locate one and get an interlibrary loan, you might get to play with one close up. I must say, I wouldn’t envy the librarians who must count the contents each time the book returns to them…..what a lark!

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I saw an IMAX documentary about Shackleton like 20 years ago and I still think about it, what a story.

        Both of these novels sound amazing

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Just finished Ruth Ozeki’s “The Book of Form and Emptiness” thanks to a recommendation from here a while back. Tough opening if like me you react to episodes of traffic violence, so content warning there. Past that it has so much: heartbreak, hoarding, possible mental illness or is something in the book real?, growing into teenagerhood, unhoused people treated as human beings and not as disposable and overlookable. Highly recommend.

      For a total change of pace/palate cleanser now reading Everyone on this Train Is a Suspect, Benjamin Stevenson’s follow-up to Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone.

      Looking ahead I realize just about everything on my list that’s next in line came from recommendations here, so thank you again for starting this thread every week and thank you, prolific readers who make suggestions! I have some travel some up and I’m downloading lots to read on the plane.

    12. Teacher Lady*

      Just finished Kim Kelly’s Fight Like Hell, which I think I’d have liked better if I hadn’t been in a rush to finish it before it was due back at the library. It ended up feeling very repetitive because I was plowing through it, whereas I think if I’d read a chapter every day or two, I’d have felt less like “Didn’t I just read this?!?”

      Currently reading The Purple Violet of Oshaantu, and about to start The Love Simulation by Etta Easton.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I read about half of Fight like Hell and decided I’d read the rest of it another time. It’s great history though!

        1. Teacher Lady*

          Agreed! I’d definitely recommend it to readers who want an overview of the wide range of labor organizing in the U.S.

    13. Lizard*

      I’m still working through The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. I’m not really enjoying it, but I know a lot of people have had a good time with it, so I’ll see what happens.

      I’ve started All Fours by Miranda July for one of my bookclubs. I’m not very far in yet, so I don’t have a real opinion, but I’m expecting it to be controversial based on what I’ve seen from reviews.

      And I’m determined to finish The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty this weekend. I can tell that I’m going to want to read the end in one sitting, but I haven’t had a good chunk of time yet.

    14. Bluebell Brenham*

      I finally read We Have Always Lived In the Castle this week and really enjoyed it. About to start Cory Doctorow’s Picks and Shovels next.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yay, Shirley Jackson! If you haven’t read The Haunting of Hill House yet, be sure to do so!

    15. Percy Weasley*

      I’m halfway thru Calico by Lee Goldberg and finding it quite entertaining. Who would have guessed that a contemporary police procedural/sci-fi/western would be so much fun?

    16. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Made it through book 3 of Dungeon Crawler Carl. So…many…trains. But I enjoyed it anyway. Katia is shaping up to be pretty special on her own.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        So so good. (I have recently been enjoying Heretical Fishing, which is another litRPG that was recommended by the author of Dungeon Crawler Carl.)

    17. Broken scones*

      Read and loved LONG LIVE EVIL by Sarah Rees Brennan. A funny and well-written adult fantasy where the main character gets isekai’d into a book series she likes and winds up being the evil stepsister character that’s going to executed in 24 hours. Trigger warning: At the beginning of the book, the MC is in the hospital and has cancer before she is transported into the book.

    18. carcinization*

      I hipsterishly avoided reading Tepper’s The Gateway to Women’s Country for many years even while reading and enjoying several other books in her oeuvre (as it’s the only book by her that most folks have read), but finally bought it at a used bookshop for $3.49 a month or so ago. Not enjoying it as much as my favorite books of hers (Grass and Plague of Angels, I guess), but it’s still good, I guess.

    19. Chaos Farmer*

      I finished reading the Miss Silver mysteries by Patricia Wentworth that someone on here had recommended. Good, but started to be repetitive by the end of the series. I’m looking for more mysteries, but I’ve already used up my four Hoopla borrows for this month.

      1. Bookworm in Stitches*

        Have you tried Libby through your public library? I don’t think it limits the number of loans.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          JWYI my understanding is the library system associated with your card is what sets the (potential) limits, not Libby itself. A friend and I were just discussing how their local system let them have something ridiculous like 100 loans at once and mine was more like 12. But I guess then…that’s still not a monthly cap. Just a simultaneous cap.

          1. Hoary Vervain*

            Probably every library system does it a little differently, but for mine, we have a monthly cap on Hoopla (they just lowered it from 15 or so to about eight because it was too expensive), but Libby doesn’t have a monthly limit, just a total books on hold and/or checked out limit (it’s 15 holds at a time and 10 books checked out). With Hoopla there are a lot more types of media (movies and TV as well as books and audiobooks) and they’re all available immediately if you aren’t over your limit. Libby can have long hold times because your library only has a certain number of digital copies available, *but* I strongly prefer it because it’s the only way I can get books on my Paperwhite through the library – Hoopla only works on devices that let you download the app.

            Sorry if this is redundant for anyone, but I only recently learned all of this through trial and error because I didn’t see it laid out clearly anywhere through my library!

        2. Chaos Farmer*

          I can only filter by physical book vs e-book in my library’s catalog, so I didn’t know the books were going to be available through Hoopla instead of Libby. Next time I will see if I can search directly from the Libby app instead.

    20. Aneurin*

      Found The Enchanted Forest Chronicles (books 1-4) in a charity shop yesterday – I thought I’d read one as an adult at some point but I read all 4 today and it turns out I’d never read them! I enjoyed them a lot and will be passing them on to my pre-teen siblings for them to enjoy soon.

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished Eve Babitz’s *Black Swans* and *Slow Days, Fast Company* — the first one “stories” that are basically slightly fictionalized memoirs and the second one journalistic pieces; both books are about the author’s experience of Los Angeles as a native Angeleno, writer, artist, and woman about town. I really liked the bi representation in the second book, especially as it was published way back in the 1970s.

      Currently reading Benjamin Stevenson’s *Everyone on this Train is a Suspect* (a mystery set on a train that is hosting a mystery literary convention), the first sequel to *Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone*. As with the first book, I like the protagonist’s humorous voice, and I like the fact that the author is committed to the “fair-play mystery” genre. That said, I could still do with a lot less of his pointing out that an important clue is coming up. Just treat me like Agatha Christie does — throw the clues out there, and if I see them, I see them; if I don’t, I don’t.

    22. Scholarly Publisher*

      I’m reading Kim Scott’s Radical Candor. It’s interesting, but it would have been a much better read a few years ago. The examples from tech companies, many of which no longer exist or have greatly changed, make it feel out of date or irrelevant.

    23. amoeba*

      Bit late but just wanted to share that I’m kind of excited that I just bought “Real Americans” on Saturday by complete coincidence. Or probably some kind of AAM telepathy going on, ha! Happy to see it recommended here, looking forward to reading it.

  14. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working my way slowly through Unicorn Overlord. It’s becoming a bit repetitive and I’m not crazy about the storyline, but I’m enjoying the game play and it’s soothing now that I know what I’m doing.

    1. SparklingBlue*

      Working on the Suikoden remaster–with 108 playable characters to pick from, a walkthrough is a must.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      Still bouncing back and forth between Genshin Impact and Destiny 2.

      I have made a lot of progress in Genshin Impact ever since I got a new character that demonstrates the amount of power creep present in the game. I was getting frustrated with some of the timed combat encounters, since it was difficult to clear them with my previous team. But now that I have Arlecchino, I’ve been breezing through that sort of thing. Now the main annoyance is collecting a bunch of materials and farming for artifacts.

      Destiny 2 is still a blast, and I am enjoying this episode’s story, especially now that we’ve finally gotten a beautiful scene between Eris and the Drifter. The only thing that would have improved it is if they actually kissed on screen.

    3. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Getting frustrated over the Nightkin solo duty for my red mage. Going to go watch some more videos the way I did with Evil Ascian Prime for my healer. Also, going to find a glamor prism for my black mage, he looks dorky in his current outfit.

    2. Belle*

      I thought it was okay but I felt the second season overall wasn’t as good as the first. The pace at times this season was uneven and I can’t believe the choice made in the finale (without spoiling it). I am hoping the third season is better.

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Awesome. Particularly the corporate art, both in the elevator lobby and the goat room.

      Even though, per rules of fiction, I expected some turns (like rescuing Miss Casey), I didn’t know how they would work. It’s a story where I’m immediately intrigued to go back and watch from the beginning, with new knowledge in mind.

      In season 2, I did think the Harmony episode could have been cut to 10 minutes or so, and it really slowed the momentum of the last few episodes.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        I didn’t expect a clean ending, because I assume most franchises now have to leave an opening for potential additional seasons, but I was hoping for at least a bit more closure on some open plot points. I wonder if it would have ended differently if that wasn’t the case.

    4. CityMouse*

      I loved the weird Milchick stuff and I was surprised at just how much they revealed and moved the plot forward. The fight scene was brutal. I’m really curious to see where they go from here.

      I didn’t love the Cobel episode or the one right after it (it felt a bit choppy to me), but on the whole I really liked the season and thought Trammel Tillman and Adam Scott did really particularly great work.

    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Events that seem they would be relevant to next season?

      • Innie Dylan came back. There’s no need for that if the plan is actually to terminate MacroData Refinement after Mark S finishes Cold Harbor, as Cobell claims. (Though she could have been sincere, and plans changed since she was pushed out.) So Lumen seems to plan to keep its crack team working, or at least physically within their building.

      • I totally believe Jamie Egan sees potential in Hely that Helena lacks, and would be happy to keep his daughter’s body as permanent host to someone who shakes things up.

      • Milchick’s arc reminds me a lot of Irving B: is he another company man who flips and tries to burn it all down? (Also, when does he find time to practice his marching band routine?)

    6. All Monkeys are French*

      Pretty phenomenal. A few plot points are bugging me, but I’ve come to trust that the writers won’t leave too many gaping holes.
      And I’m very happy for Emile.

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished watching. While it had a lot of great elements, it just felt way too crammed with things. If it had been split into two episodes, I think I would have found it more satisfying. I’m also in the minority thinking that the Harmony Cobel story was worth an entire episode.

  16. Gratitude*

    Do you give a gift to your realtor? We’re in the middle of buying a house and we plan to sell our current house with the same realtor later this year. So she’ll get paid for two sales, but we like her and find her advice very helpful. Is it strange to give her a gift? Maybe after completing the sale of our current house? (Northeastern US, if that’s relevant.)

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      We gave our realtor a nice bottle of whiskey. He was really fantastic- we had worked with others before that weren’t as patient or knowledgeable. Of course we recommend him all the time and he helped my parents buy their current house too.

    4. Jill Swinburne*

      We got ours a nice bottle of wine – we were first home buyers and she really went into bat for us and gave us very good advice.

    5. Roland*

      Mine gave ME a gift. Friends had similar experiences. I’m sure you can and it would be appreciated, but they’re getting a commission on every sale so you’re really not obligated. You are paying them a LOT of money even if it doesn’t feel that way as a buyer.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Yeah same! We were only buying but we got a gift box shortly after moving in and then another at Christmas!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Same! But on the other hand, maybe a realtor would be charmed if they got a gift also.

    6. Generic Name*

      I never have. I figure the tens of thousands in commission they earn is plenty. :) maybe if they really went above and beyond, a nice note would be appreciated.

    7. Not Australian*

      We’ve only done this once, and it was just a bottle of wine, because the guy went above and beyond and we felt that should be recognised. Something small (chocolates?) with a ‘thank you’ card should be plenty.

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Nope. Didn’t even occur to me. The first time I was so anxious about the whole process that I wasn’t thinking about anyone else. The second time I found the realtor (different realtor, different community) to be a bit challenging to deal with.

    9. Sitting Pretty*

      Not a shared computer but a common space. In 2020 when learning went online, the schools gave out small laptops to the kids. Even though the house was super crowded with all the WFH, we didn’t want out son to be on the computer behind closed doors. So we bought a small desk and crammed it into a spot in the entryway.

      It worked great. There is enough of a sense of separation that he can work with a little more privacy. But it’s oriented in such a way that we can see what’s on his screen if we’re walking by. We also required the smartphone to stay out of his room and be charged out on his desk.

      I think this has helped him develop more responsible, mindful screen habits. He’s 18 now and still does all his schoolwork, social media, gaming, etc on the computer in the common space (though the phone goes wherever he goes now).

    10. fhqwhgads*

      In my experience, the realtor gives you a gift at the end, not the other way around.
      The best gift you could give them is referrals anyway.

    11. Clisby*

      That seems a little odd to me – I’ve bought only 2 houses (with my husband) but our realtors weren’t doing us a favor – they were doing their jobs.

      Our first realtor did give us a nice house plant – she said she always does that at closing – but after all, we were providing her cut of the house sale.

    12. Teacher Lady*

      We didn’t when we bought in the Boston metro area in 2018. To be honest, it didn’t even cross my mind to do so.

    13. TerrorCotta*

      After both sales close, a card or email with a glowing review they can use (cc’d to their boss or firm if they’re not solo) will be super appreciated. Most realtors give YOU something at the end, but if you’ve built up a really good relationship and feel they’ve done a lot, a small gift – wine, chocolate, local restaurant gift card – and a thoughtful note would be nice.

    14. Onomatopoetic*

      Where I live, you usually get a small gift from the realtor – we’ve got a pepper mill or a flower pot, for example. But for one especially helpful person we commissioned a small safety reflector shaped as the house. We got several and gave to the sellers as well. Not at all needed, but it felt right.

  17. Double A*

    When I was growing up we had a “family computer” in a shared space, and while that was for reasons of expense (no one had their own computer for most of the 90s), I think it was actually a really great way to learn about computers in a gradual and social way. Even though computers are obviously way more powerful and connected now, I’d like to do something similar for my own kids. Also, while I don’t have very strong opinions about “limiting screen time,” I do have very strong opinions about keeping screens out of their bedrooms for as long as possible and this is something that I think will help.

    Is anyone doing this kind of communal computer set up? Or plan to?

    Any suggestions about the computers themselves? It’s been a long time since I’ve had a desktop, but I’d like a desktop PC (not Mac, even though I grew up with them). I’d love to have a more locked-down computer that I can open up as the kids age, but I don’t know if that’s remotely possible or if it’s just kind of Windows on iOS and those are your options. Thoughts? Suggestions?

    1. PurlsOfWisdom*

      We have a “family computer” in one of our shared living spaces. Though it moved into our Master Bedroom (not far off of the common areas) during the holiday season to make space for the Xmas tree.

      My son is still fairly young (7), so has no concept of surfing the internet or whatever. But he is VERY into Minecraft (as well as Portal and a couple of other games). Our goal was to keep him still a part of the family dynamic while he got his time playing games. Additionally the concern of keeping an eye on him to make sure he wasn’t accidentally getting into anything he shouldn’t. To your point about keeping screens out of bedrooms for as long as possible I hard agree with you, though it feels like it’s only going to get harder and harder in this more connected age.

      Don’t really have suggestions on what to get as we are a Mac family… Sorry on that note.

    2. Annie*

      I’ve worked and played with a variety of computers and OSes over the years. For the hardware, pick one up with a multi-core processor and a HDMI port (to make sure you have something modern enough to actually use) at a thrift store if you don’t care about the ability to run newer OSes than Windows 10 or are willing to experiment with a Linux distribution.

      If ability to run Windows 11 without exploiting some loophole is important to you, do a search for a Windows 11 desktop on Amazon or another store and pick one out. I found a few options for a few hundred dollars.

      If Linux sounds appealing to you, almost anything goes if your priorities don’t include “ability to play a specific game” or “ability to run a specific software”. It also helps if you can shift your priority from “ability to use a specific software”(far from certain on linux) to “ability to do X”(almost always possible). By default, installing or uninstalling software requires admin privileges (linux calls it root), and linux’s minority status on the desktop makes any malware more severe than adware or scareware in the web browser a low risk. Most linux distributions include an app store or a simpler looking “package manager”, so there’s no pressure to hunt or pay for one that “comes with everything”. A few distributions have earned a reputation for being easy for first timers, such as Ubuntu, Mint, and Zorin.

      Virtually all OSes and web browsers that have ever had significant market share have software for them that can be used to lock down a device for child use, with varying degrees of effectiveness.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I grew up this way, for sure! It was probably good, but honestly at around 12-14, it became another way I was … probably over-sheltered, because I felt so much shame about relatively normal teen romance type things since I had to encounter them on my parent’s public computer. I don’t know what previous generations did about this, honestly! Clearly they either had other ways to learn about sex and the world, or just didn’t learn about it at all properly. It was a very specific microgeneration experience lol. So I’d say, at some point you might want to give your kids some privacy after you’ve taught them about safety etc.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I suppose even that thought is moot as I’m pretty sure my nieces started “needing” (?) their own phones and tablets around 9 years old – I mean, the school gave them chromebooks and required I think Facebook Student or something, and around then she started needing rides/pickups and my sister WANTED her to be reachable. All her friends communicated via snapchat and she was feeling socially excluded. Hard for me to understand as an old and childfree bluestocking lol. I would have at least given a 9 year old a “dumb phone.”

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Much harder now than it was when my daughter was 9. She’s 25 and for the last two years of HS she got extra credit for doing things on a homework app on her phone. We managed to hold off on a smart phone until she was 13 and her phone got plugged in to charge in our bathroom at 9:00 PM until she was 15, which was also when she got a laptop. These days I think they need computers to do schoolwork and if you have more than one kid, you need more than one computer.

      2. Double A*

        Absolutely! Their privacy is super important to me. I remember how important it was to me as a teen and I felt my parents really respected it. Even though I’d make stuff on the shared computer, I didn’t want them to see it and I trusted they didn’t look at the files. If they did, they never gave me the slightest hint.

        A big part of this plan is wanting to grow in technology use along with them and have it be a collaborative discussion that, as they get older, they’ll have more say in.

    4. Not Jane*

      We have an iPad that my children share, and they borrow my windows laptop sometimes. Although they are both portable, they aren’t allowed to take them to their bedrooms.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We had a family computer in a shared space so … I got up in the middle of the night after my parents went to bed to do the things they didn’t allow me to do. Heh.

      1. Double A*

        Ha, I mean I did the same.

        This actually isn’t so much about forever keeping them from content, it’s about 1) guiding their technology use as they grow and growing WITH them in that uses and 2) protecting their sleep. I don’t want to default that they have tablets or something in their room. The occasional late night excursion not withstanding.

        By their teen years I hope we’ll have built enough trust and understanding and discussed the messed up things you can find on the internet that the conversation will go from there.

    6. Clisby*

      My kids (now 28 and 23) didn’t have access to a desktop/laptop in their rooms until they were in high school – my husband and I were both computer programmers, and they could use an extra desktop we had in our home office. They each got a phone at 13 – my daughter’s first was a flip phone; my son’s was whatever the cheapest possible Android was at the time.

      1. Clisby*

        Adding … we haven’t had a TV since my oldest child was about 5 months old, so neither of them grew up with TV noise around them.

    7. TerrorCotta*

      My techy friends have a “family” computer area for gaming/schoolwork, and a private office for WFH. The two teens have individual computers/laptops, and the parents have gaming computers in a common area. Headphones are allowed/encouraged, and no one’s fighting over whose turn it is, or that Sibling A messed with Sibling B’s homework or settings. There’s a level of privacy – no hovering over shoulders – but also supervision. And the whole family hanging out and gaming (together and individually) is pretty neat.

      They started this when the boys were younger with just tablets, and have upgraded as they got older. Obviously cost and space can be an issue! But school chromebooks or tablets being allowed in the kitchen but not in bedrooms is how they started off, and it seems to work really well for them.

    8. HannahS*

      My child is still too young (3) for that to be relevant, but yes, my husband and I feel strongly about moderating tech use. For us, that includes a communal computer setup in a shared part of a house.

      For what it’s worth, the rule in my house growing up was that bedrooms are for sleeping, at least until I was pretty much an adult. My sibling and I rarely played or read in our rooms (smartphones didn’t exist yet.) I didn’t think it was weird or annoying growing up, and frankly our house was large enough that there were many non-bedroom spaces to hang out it, so it wasn’t super forced-togetherness. But it allowed opportunities for us to interact more as a family, and for my parents to be aware of what we were up to.

    9. Computing*

      My kids are 17 and 7 and neither use an actual computer. The kids got school iPads in kindergarten that they bring home for nightly homework and by middle school they had a chromebook from school for all schoolwork. The older one also has a phone and the younger one knows how to borrow our phones and use them.

      We had a lot of ideas about technology and how we’d introduce it and use it…to be honest though these kids interact and relate to technology in completely different ways than we do and they will come of age needing to use it in ways we never will. We have second graders at school teaching their parents how to get vpns and get around controls, how to clone sites, and how to go incognito.

      For us we found the most important and practical thing was to establish a very trusting supportive connection where our kids feel safe coming to us and ask questions because the ability to control this is almost nil.

    10. allathian*

      We have a large house with many bedrooms because when we built it we planned for more than one kid, but it wasn’t to be. Our house’s built into a slope with the master bedroom and our son’s bedroom downstairs where it’s cooler. Our son’s gaming room is upstairs next to the living room, as is my office/my husband’s bedroom. Our son has a computer and a PS5, amd he does his homework there, too. Until he was about 13 he kept the door open when he used the computer. He’s a good kid at nearly 16 and we respect his privacy and trust him to talk to us if he sees anything weird online. And he has done so a couple times.

      My husband’s the only one who sleeps in the same room with any devices. All of us leave our phones outside the bedroom, I have a sunrise lamp alarm and my husband has a traditional alarm clock. Because we don’t use any devices in bed, our son takes it for granted and has no need to do so, either. That’ll undoubtedly change when he goes to college, but that’s 3 years from now and by then he’ll be a legal adult (we’re in Finland and here kids start 1st grade the year they turn 7 and complete their k-12 education when they’re 18 or 19).

  18. Abundantly Vague*

    My father passed away last fall and my mother’s health has declined to the point where my sister and I can no longer care for her and we have had to make the painful decision to move her to an assisted living center. (Another sibling lives a considerable distance away.) We are in the process of selling my parents’ house (and most of its contents) and I’m finding letting go difficult. I logically know that I can’t keep all of their possessions. I don’t have room for all of them. I have been a bit disappointed that my siblings and their children don’t want their stuff. There are a lot of very nice dishes, nick-nacks, and a few pieces of nice furniture, tons of books, some artwork, things that my father made, lots of costume jewelry. Some things are nice, not really my taste, but I have a lot of sentimental feelings about them. There are things that belonged to my grandparents, things that were gifts from people I loved.

    If anyone has been in this position, how did you decide what to keep and what to let go of? Are there things you regret not keeping? Are there things you regret keeping and realize you should have let go of? Any advice you might offer would be appreciated and considered.

    1. Pickles*

      I’m not a keeper and it is hard with people around me who are invested in me keeping stuff. I would suggest select a few things that mean something to you, anything that is practical and then let the rest go. Dishes and housewares are so easy to come by.
      You do t want to be over burdened with stuff. The memories are what is important.

      1. Somasterful*

        If there are pieces of furniture or jewelry or anything else that you like or love, but can’t keep, take pictures. Looking at the pictures will help you keep those

    2. Aphrodite*

      I wrote out a long answer to you before dumping it. I kept only two items, both worth nothing, both small and both that bring me pleaure: a photograph and a cute Hallmark tchotchke. While all items did have sentimental value I neither needed nor wanted anything else. Those things are not them. They possess nothing of the positive qualities of my parents. Keep your parents, not their stuff, in your heart.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I got rid of a lot, but kept some at first and gradually let go of more a bit at a time over several years. I think part of the difficulty is that you are still in the middle of everything right now.

      Some people deal with that overwhelm by rejecting the stuff, others by holding onto stuff. Both are ways of saying “no, I don’t want this to be real.”

      Could you maybe get some storage temporarily for the things that are particularly hard to part with, like the things your father made? It may be that in time when the situation has stabilized, they may decide they would like a couple of things, and you are likely to feel more prepared to let go.

      1. Flower*

        This. You are going through several hard things at once and decisionmaking under these circumstances especially is so fraught. If there is any way you can afford to store some of the stuff (at a rental storage place or even a friend’s basement for six months to a year), that’s what I would do. Not store everything — but the things you are really not sure about. Then you can go through them when you are not in the middle of all this (not saying your grief will be over, just at a different place). My best friend took ten years to go through her mom’s stuff. I don’t recommend waiting that long, but just saying there are no rules about this. Also: Sending warm thoughts your way.

      2. Hard Agree*

        This is the way. Keep all the keepsakes (anything not currently replaceable at Target or Staples) for now. I don’t think you will regret it but I have seen the opposite be true several times over.

    4. MJ*

      Something I’ve seen recommended is – if it’s not something you will actually use – take a good quality photo as a memento and let the item go to find a new home.

      Alternatively, if there are some items you think you might regret getting rid of, store them somewhere until the grief has lessened. (Assuming you have space.) You can revisit in 6 months / a year / 5 years and see if you are ready to release them yet.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I was going to say this, with costume jewelry you appreciate but would never wear, a nice photograph of it or of a loved one wearing it might just do. Although jewelry is probably the easiest to keep since at least it’s small. I agree, don’t throw out everything in your grief because you don’t want to deal with it. If you know yourself and you know you won’t want it, no problem, but sometimes it’s part of the process and later you might wish for some of the more sentimental stuff. I think photos are a good compromise.

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I have an artist friend who makes memorial mementos from these kinds of small things embedded in resin.

    5. Clara Bowe*

      I am sorry you are having to go through this process. It is incredibly hard, and from what you’ve written, likely pretty traumatic. Losing your dad and not really having the space to mourn with having to scramble around your mother’s health is so, so hard. I’ve had to do something similar, so please know that I am sending you as much positive energy and support as I can, and from a place of some level of understanding.

      Personally, I have only kept small, sentimental items (a cup, a pen knife, a shirt, etc.) And while I am sad I passed some stuff on, I haven’t really regretted it? Yes, there was emotion and memory tied to some items I chose to let go of, but none of that went away when the item did. But, it is different for each person.

    6. Two cents*

      I think the answer depends so much on how you process grief, deal with stress and deal with too many items in general. So: what do you know about yourself? Do you have any experiences that could be in any way similar? Obviously not your parents, but maybe the end of a long friendship that you grieved, or a different, less close family member, or maybe a pet? Did you enjoy having items that reminded you of them later? Did you miss any items and wish you could have kept them? Did you purge all at once or a little bit over time? Did you have any regrets?

      In any other super emotional times combined with way too much to do (e.g. your wedding, holiday hosting, huge party with complications): Did delaying decisions about future stuff help you or just drag out and hang over your head? Did adding pressure to yourself help you push through difficult decisions or stress you the erf out?

      About stuff in general: are you good at getting rid of stuff? If so, it might make sense to spend some money on a storage unit to delay the decision making process and deal with things slowly. If you’re terrible at getting rid of stuff or super emotional about letting go of sentimental things or procrastinate about hard emotional decisions, that would be the worst choice.

      I think if you can answer any of those questions that might guide you a little bit in this hard time.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, this is so helpful! I know for myself, after any kind of shock or strong emotions, I’m almost like a different person for several days afterwards. It’s that numbness. That person probably shouldn’t make any big decisions that the regular me is going to have to deal with when she returns.

      2. MJ*

        Oh, yes, be mindful of the storage unit.

        My dad was executor for a friend and one of the things to deal with was a storage locker the friend had had for 20+ YEARS! He hadn’t lived in that city for decades, hadn’t been to the locker for years, and there was nothing in the locker worth paying tens of thousands of dollars to store for that long.

    7. Not Australian*

      I’ve been in the same situation and my solution was to deal with it in stages. First, dispose of all the big stuff (furniture etc.) and take home as much of the small stuff as you can reasonably find room for. Then, gradually – say, once a year – redistribute (to friends, family, or charity) a few items at a time until you’re left with a few core pieces that you’ll never part with. ‘Saying goodbye’ to things, and well as to people, takes time, and you don’t need to try to do it all at once.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I did basically the same thing, although not deliberately. I brought a bunch of things home that sat in boxes for a few years because I really didn’t have room for them and I found it too painful to deal with. If I’d put the boxes in the attic they’d probably still be there. We have a small sunroom off our living room that served as a “dumping ground” at the time, so the boxes stayed somewhat visible and eventually I was able to sort through everything. I got rid of almost all of it.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Did something similar, and you will probably regret trying to keep too much stuff! You can’t honour memories by over stuffing things into your attic or shed. It is so depressing later on, when beloved items become dusty or neglected. Instead, I would tackle things in order of least sentimental to most sentimental so that you can get on a roll with getting used to letting things go. When things start sparking genuine memories for you, your best bet is to take a photo, or journal any memories or stories that the items remind you of. Do a quick note for each, and move on. Keep the memory, lose the stuff.

      2. Rekha3.14*

        Was going to say this – as a sentimental person, the items bring back memories. So a photo and journal entry (or collection of anecdotes or whatever you recall about it and your parents) could do wonders. The nice thing is all the memories don’t have to take up physical space, either – digital photos and text go on an external hard drive, store information on the cloud. Etc.

        It’s a trying time, and I’m sorry for your loss.

    9. WellRed*

      Try and embrace the idea that other people will enjoy these things, especially if you donate or rehome (or sell cheaply) to people who would otherwise go without. Example: sold a rather dated dining room table and chairs for oh, $50 to a young woman who had none and she was thrilled. But it’s hard, you have my sympathy and best wishes.

    10. o_gal*

      I juse went through this with my Mom passing away last August. One way to approach this is that those things may not be in your family anymore, but they may become another family’s heirlooms and live on with new owners who will also appreciate them as you do.

    11. allx*

      Accidentally deleted my first answer. Hope it doesn’t post twice. First, I would suggest you read the “Swedish Death Cleaning” book. I had read it a few years before my events but thought back to it for the decisions on how to let go of sentimental but unwanted items.

      I went through this two years ago when my mother passed away suddenly, and then my sister weeks later. They had many lovely things that were a reflection of who they were and what they loved. I first boxed up (without evaluating at all beyond identifying) personal papers, photo albums, special books, and sentimental items and stored for deciding on later. I had about a dozen boxes which is now down to two. I would suggest buying new boxes, all the same size (small). It makes for easier packing and stacking.

      All the normal stuff of living (kitchenware and appliances, generic home decor, table linens, furniture, etc) were donated to a local women’s shelter thrift shop. Yarn, crochet and knitting goods/patterns/books were donated to a local senior center. Best seller/generic books went to friends of library. I think it helped being able to donate to local organizations who were happy to receive them and not to a major thrift like goodwill which would have felt more like dumping their lives into anonymity.

      In your case, I would likely keep (for the time being) the things your dad made, a couple small things that were your grandparents, one or two representative nick-nacks, the costume jewelry, and a serving platter from the dishes. Let the rest go. Revisit the kept items as time goes by.

    12. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been through this. My brief advice is to invest in a small storage locker if you can afford it, and things that really make you feel SADNESS and GRIEF to part with, keep them for two years. Once the cost of the locker, or the awareness of the items sitting there doing no one any good, starts to feel burdensome, it’s time to revisit them.

      But do not shove everything in there just so you don’t have to deal with it. Work on the assumption that you’re either going to divest of an object, or you’re going to use it in your own home. Only store the things that really pain you to lose.

      My other advice is, you don’t have to keep every item in a set or a collection, and you don’t have to give away the whole thing. If you like your parents’ china but you don’t have room for all of it, keep a few small bowls and use them for prep or to serve olives in. Keep two mugs. I get much more joy from the one or two curious items I kept from my mother’s big collections, than I ever would from the entire collection itself.

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        And there might be stuff you need to get appraised. Was quite surprised to find out one of the books I got autographed 50 years ago (yes I am that old) is now worth $5000 more or less on abe.books. I’ve told the kids to get the books appraised, but I don’t know if they will remember.

    13. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      So much good and gentle advice here. I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with. I had to go through managing my parents’ move out of their home to assisted living and then to a dementia care unit because of my mom and had some similar feelings. I also had a certain amount of “wow, I grew up with some tacky stuff” once I looked at it without my parents and their lives being in that space and instead looked at it thinking about whether I wanted to own it as a free choice.

      First I’d suggest that you set down expectations about your siblings and their kids having feelings you have. They aren’t obligated to have the same sentimental attachment, especially the next generation down. The kids didn’t grow up with these things they way you did. Think of walking through an antique shop if that’s something you do: Everything there once had great meaning to someone else and you can look at it and think, “Do I like that? Nope, not buying it.” That’s where the next generation may well be because this isn’t their childhood and they didn’t know the people who gave those gifts.

      For me, I went through my parents’ whole large house and garage. They were in quite a state because my mom’s dementia had played out as “sorting” and sorting and sorting and re-sorting and starting over every day with a new “system”. So it was a mess.

      I made a box for each sibling. If I could identify something as an item about them, or a special thing they had given my parents as a gift that they might want back, it went into that box. Basically I decided for them what might be meaningful because they weren’t able to be there to decide for themselves. Pictures, yearbooks, things my mom had apparently stored long past when they should have taken possession of their own high school wrestling letter jacket or whatever, all went in those boxes, which they later picked up.

      I made one big box of things that were truly about my parents and their lives together. My mom had kept a book in which she recorded every single penny spent and what she spent it on in the early years of the marriage. What a treasure to leaf through it and read some of the entries. I can keep the memory of having done that; I don’t need the book itself. My older sister is a scrapbooker and all of that went to her so she could make use of it to create beautiful scrapbooks about their lives. (Wonderful to have at their memorial services.)

      Everything else that wasn’t a truly unique personalized item was a thing to be dealt with. It’s a chair, a dish, a vase, a book. My attitude then and in dealing with needing to downsize in my own life was that it can be set free to live a new life with someone else and they’ll build their own memories around it. I genuinely cared about 3 pieces of furniture; I got to keep two of them, the other went with them to assisted living, then to a brother, and now it’s back with me.

      Truly, if you don’t have room for these things and you don’t want to live with them enough to get rid of something you already own to make space, they aren’t things you want to have, they’re things you want to remember, or they’re really just markers for the larger memory of the person or the experience they represent. It isn’t the gift someone gave them, it’s that this person loved them enough to give them a gift. That doesn’t disappear with the item (or with the person).

      In addition to the photo idea, what about making a video and narrating what made that item special to you? Tell the story you’re carrying in your brain now, while it has special resonance.

      If you do any sort of crafting, can any of the costume jewelry or smaller items become material that you’ll repurpose, knowing the item is special because it carries this memento?

      In our case some things were moving with my parents. For everything else I brought in an estate sale business. They sorted, priced, tagged, and handled disposing of everything. Not a lot of profit but it meant I didn’t actually have to handle everything. Highly recommend that. It meant I wasn’t lingering over an item trying to make a decision and the prices represented their actual market value, not my sentimental markup. Once you see prices on things you may be able to have some emotional distance.

      Today I can’t remember anything that got sold with any clarity that brings a sense of regret. I might think of a specific item and smile, but would I want it in my house now? Not really. I’m already shedding things to make it easier for my kids at a time I hope and expect will be decades from now. When I went through sorting my parents’ stuff my kids were little and kept me company. I kept saying “I won’t do this to you, I promise!”. I don’t know if it helps to think of it this way, but anything you keep now is an item someone else has to deal with when you’re gone.

      Good luck, be gentle with yourself and your siblings, hug your mom while you can.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Ask yourself–what would live with me in my home as part of my life, and what am I just trying to protect my feelings around?

      Because unless you run the British Museum or similar, there simply isn’t enough room in a person’s life and time to handle carrying everything that meant a lot to someone else, even if those people were your loved ones.

      Will you read those books? Eat off those dishes? Sit on/use that furniture? Will it be part of your life? Or are you guarding it because it was a gift to your parent or grandparent and they kept it this long?

      Remember, you not keeping everything doesn’t mean it’s all consigned to the dumpster. Think of it, rather, as your dad’s artwork brightening a new person’s life, the jewelry being just the thing for some unknown woman’s special occasion, those dishes meaning the world to a family that has had to start over after a disaster. Launch them to new adventures and being loved by new people.

      1. Grey Coder*

        Also — make sure you are listening to your own feelings about these things, and not your parents’ feelings. When my sister and I went through this, we had a number of items which we knew had sentimental value to our late mother as she had inherited them from her mother. But once we realised that they did not have that value to us, it was easier to let them go.

    15. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When my grandparents died it was just me and my mom (she’s an only child, and I was very close to them). There was a lot of extended family turmoil and I had to convince my mother to let some of them take some things, but the majority was left between us. I took things I either knew I would wear (like jewelry, handbags, and clothes– I still wear a ton of my grandmother’s clothes) or I had admired for a while. I vowed that I wouldn’t keep anything I wouldn’t use. My grandmother had a lot of beautiful table pieces that she never used but I happily put them on my table for guests. They had a set of rocks glasses that I drink out of regularly. All of the artwork we got is now hung up in my house. I put a few things in storage for a while because we didn’t have space, but as soon as we moved, the storage unit got cleaned out.

      I didn’t keep anything simply because it was sentimental. And I’m glad I did that. Every time I wear a piece of my grandmother’s jewelry and someone compliments it, I get to talk about her. Every time someone compliments the art on our walls, I get to tell the story of how my grandparents obtained it. I recognize that I’m VERY fortunate that my grandmother and I had very similar taste. For me it was more about a sort of legacy for them than about nostalgia.

    16. Girasol*

      First, take pictures of it all so you don’t lose any of your memories. After that, in my experience, we could only take very little. So instead of the knickknacks and furniture we couldn’t really use, we took all the clothes we could use, and all the kitchen implements I could use that reminded me of meals together, plus a handful of other odds and ends that were useful. I smile when I use those things a lot more than I would if I only noticed stuff when I was dusting.

    17. Abundantly Vague*

      Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments. You’ve helped me make things a bit clearer in my mind and to to establish some priorities. A couple of things that I’m still uncertain about are a box containing my father’s old high school and college yearbooks, along with some yearbooks belonging to my sisters (and maybe to myself). They really are not something that I care about, but that I sort of think I “should” keep. I’m inclined to let them go.

      There’s also a lovely period art deco bedroom set that belonged to my grandmother. It includes a beautiful writing desk that has been restored, a small low dresser with mirror that has not been restored, but that still looks pretty good and then the double bed with its headboard, footboard and connecting side boards. The wood for the bed is pretty old and dried out. I think it looks O.K., but my mother was afraid to actually use it, so it is still sitting in pieces in a storage room. The set is made out of a beautiful wood that I can’t quite describe. It is basically a light colored wood that has these natural dark colored swirls in it. I hate to break up the set, but I don’t have room for the bed. I think I probably want the desk. I’m uncertain about the dresser. I do have room for it though.

      1. Seashell*

        With the yearbooks, maybe you could take pictures of the relevant pages and share the photos with whoever might be interested.

        There might be places to donate yearbooks where others could benefit from them: a local library, the school’s library, a local historical or genealogical society, a website that scans yearbooks. I’ve done family history research, and yearbooks are fun to see.

      2. Part time lab tech*

        If you’ve got the space, my advice is to keep 1 box, if looking at keepsakes gives you joy.
        I don’t look at those kind of things more than a few times a decade, but when I do it’s a fun memory prompt. Limiting it to one box means it doesn’t take over.
        When I moved last year, I thought I had 1 box and then I found some more stuff.
        I ask the kids to do the same with photos and school work.

      3. Generic Name*

        For the yearbooks, you could contact the high school or county historical society to see if they would like them.

    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      Having just gone through a huge reduction in stuff, including sentimental items, I’ll recommend a few gals on the Tube of You: Clutterbug, the Minimal Mom, Dana K White and also Marie Kondo. They each have very different philosophies/angles, and I found them all helpful in different ways.
      It’s so easy to imbue things with lots of emotional baggage, but in the end, they’re really just things. If younger relatives didn’t want the things I was trying to give away, fine. I found a really good donation center that supports people coming out of DV and homeless situations and so I felt great about supporting them with all the stuff! They could either sell it in their thrift shop or give it to folks rebuilding a home environment. That somehow made it so much easier for me to come to terms with letting it all go.

      Good luck with this! I know it’s hard.

    19. ghost_cat*

      I wanted to echo the thoughts of others about how others can find joy in what you let go. I had a lot of vintage china etc and one item was a moustache cup. When I was little, I loved its usualness and so it was sentimental, but honestly I had no use for it. The person who ending taking it was a collector of them. I mean this in the nicest way, but it was like watching Gollum finding his precious. He looked at it and told me its age, where it had come from, how it was made. The memory of watching his face light up at finding a new item for his collection is almost as nice as my memories of it.

      1. Grey Coder*

        When we went through this, we had about a dozen china cup-and-saucer sets which had been displayed in the dining room. My sister and I had no use for them, but my sister found someone who had lost their china collection in a fire and was absolutely delighted with them.

    20. Observer*

      I have been a bit disappointed that my siblings and their children don’t want their stuff.

      Probably the most important piece of advice you can come away with is to *totally* let go of this expectation. There is absolutely nothing that you gain from this, and it can hurt you very much. In fact, I would say that the only real question is *how much* damage it will cause.

      You’ve gotten some really good advice on all of this. Focus on what *you* can do, pick the things that work for you, and let go of any expectations of your siblings and children. You will be much better off.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember reading an article a while ago by a woman dealing with this. In her case it was a framed print their mom had purchased and that she had grown up with.

        When she was attempting to whittle down her mom’s possessions, she was shocked that neither of her own kids wanted or had any attachment to this print. For her it was this precious memory holder, but for her kids it was just–a random print. It took her a while to accept that memories, no matter how deep or precious, simply don’t automatically travel along with objects to other people.

    21. Nightengale*

      My mother is downsizing her house over the next year and I am an only child with a largeish apartment and live 600 miles away. It is coming down to my taking items things that have major sentimental value to me, I really like aesthetically or are practical (like kitchen things) I am definitely taking the 100+ year old telephone table, books and some bookshelves on which to shelve the books. But my parents really liked to travel and picked up art and doo-dads which were meaningful to them but just not so much to me.

      It does help that my mother and I are making these decisions together rather than my making them unilaterally. Things I don’t want (most of it!) are being offered to some extended family members and a good friend. Also there is a local service center that my mother already uses so we know donated items will go to a good place.

    22. Hyaline*

      If there’s no hurry to sell, first, don’t feel rushed into doing it all at once–if there’s no external pressures to do so quickly, there’s no reason you can’t take your time to sort through things (and your emotions) before selling.

      When we moved out of our first house, our realtor had a professional take photos and then gave them to us. I had a really lovely photo book made. Maybe do that–have a professional photographer photograph the house as it looks now so you have the memories even if you don’t keep the stuff.

      One thing that helped me (as pretty much the sole person sorting through my MIL’s possessions when we went though a similar situation a couple years ago) was to consider her stuff primarily as HERS rather than as heirlooms in the making. I could see items as they had brought her joy or provided usefulness, and I could appreciate them for that–and then let them go. As I initially sorted, I put things in three categories–stuff for the garbage (mostly just old papers and actual garbage), stuff for the estate sale (almost everything–you wouldn’t believe the stuff people will buy at an estate sale! half-used bottles of household cleaners, unopened makeup samples, houseplants), and stuff of potential sentimental value. I gave the rest of the family the chance to sort through that last category over the span of a couple months, and most of that batch still ended up in “estate sale” as really no one wanted much outside of a few keepsakes.

      We got rid of most items in an estate sale. We did it ourselves (I did it myself) and it was a lot of work, and it can be emotionally difficult to watch people haggle over your family’s stuff or pickers coming through scouting for stuff of value, so know your limits there. (But be apprised that hiring a company to do it will most likely mean getting significantly reduced to no proceeds from the sale, depending on the value of the stuff in the home, if this is a consideration.) However–it was really nice seeing a few things go to people who fell in love with them, or to a family new to the area starting over and really appreciating her still-decent furniture, or to a recent college grad who swept up a bunch of kitchenware. It was nice seeing those well-loved items go to new homes and get new life.

      Don’t be disappointed if other family members don’t want this stuff. Some people feel sentimental about items, some don’t, some have attachment to just a couple little things, some want to decorate their houses with family hand-me-downs–and none of those impulses is wrong, but it’s really not helpful to expect people to turn into nostalgia-decorators overnight just because they’re given the opportunity to claim stuff. Younger generations may not have room or use for a lot of the stuff you’re sorting through

      If there are things you want to keep but aren’t sure how/how much/it doesn’t suit your tastes, consider alternate uses. Turn sweaters into throw pillows, or jewelry into Christmas ornaments, or a couple of plates from a set of china into a wall hanging. If you have that ONE piece of costume jewelry that you frame and hang in your room, it’s standing in for all the other sand all the memories–it becomes all the more special. There’s tons of ideas online if you spend some time noodling around. You could also replace some of your current stuff with these items–like give your old dishware to Goodwill and use your parents’ instead, if that moves you. If space isn’t an issue, there’s no harm in holding onto a few boxes of maybes for a year or so until you’re reading to decide.

      I know this is hard. All the best to you and your family.

    23. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so sorry for your losses. This is such a difficult situation to be in as your parents’ offspring. Whatever you decide to do or not do, please do take good care of yourself and be self-nurturing as much as possible.

      I myself am admittedly not very sentimental about items. I got rid of almost every single item of my parents’ stuff and still found that some of the things I had kept were too much and that I should let them go. For example, I will never, ever polish silver, but I still kept my parents’ silver sabbath candlesticks for a while until I realized that they were just wasted with me. I set them out in my building’s lobby, and I hope that now, one of my neighbors who doesn’t mind polishing silver has taken them and is enjoying them.

  19. Mitchell Hundred*

    I finished rewatching the British miniseries The Prisoner recently, and one thing I’d forgotten about was that the main character stays in shape partly by practicing a fictional martial art called kosho. It involves two trampolines (one for each participant) with a pool of water between them. The combatants each put on a helmet and a full body robe that buttons up in front while playing. I think the object is to knock your opponent into the water, although the rules aren’t clear.

    It is a ridiculous sport, but also one that I would dearly love to become real. So my question is: what useless/absurd fictional creation would you will into existence, given the chance?

    1. Why does my name keep getting forgotten?*

      True American, the hilarious drinking game/obstacle course from the tv series New Girl. There’s also versions of this in the real world with rules interpreted from the info given in the show, but the show never fully spelled out all the rules. Someone’s made a website where they list the partial rules given by the show and then interpret them into a playable, working version. But, it’s not the same. And there’s a big Wikipedia page with interpreted rules too.

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Oooh, quidditich! The game from Harry Potter that’s like flag football but played on flying brooms! Sign me up.

      1. OxfordBlue*

        I’m in Oxford in the UK and Quidditch is played in the University Parks here by student teams who run around quite a large pitch with sticks between their legs and throw a ball to one another. The Oxford University Quidditch Club has a Wikipedia page if you want to see some photos.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Hilarious! I would bruise my knees bashing about with a broomstick. Perhaps some engineering grad students could be persuaded to work on making the broomsticks fly?

      2. UsuallyALurker*

        Oh! In the PBS show Arthur, back when all the kids shows were doing their own parodies of that series, the “Henry Screever” equivalent was a game where players have to gather the flying ingredients and put them in a cauldron to make soup. The hardest ingredient to catch is the bullion cube. I would watch so many hours of that game if it were real.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      The book The Art of Detection from Sarah Gran’s mystery series. It’s this famous, obscure handbook to solving crimes by the world’s greatest detective, that now has a cult following of current sleuths who own copies they’ve managed to come across (it basically appears in obscure corners, never for sale or in reprints or anything.) All its followers are highly critical of everyone else’s use of/interpretation of the detective/author’s techniques and are constantly sniping at each other when they meet.

      I love stories built around stories that only exist within that particular imaginary world.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And subsequently when the authors then actually create the full stories! Seanan McGuire’s Middlegame is built around a book called “Over the Windward Wall” by an author named A. Deborah Baker. So she wrote published the book and then also the three sequels it turned out to have.

        (I also absolutely own a copy of Charlie the Choo Choo by Beryl Evans – not Claudia Inez y Bachman – and holy god is that cover terrifying.)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I think Dorothy Gilman did the same thing with her novel The Tightrope Walker–she had a character write a novel and its sequel in that, then really wrote them!

        2. Pam Adams*

          Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series was the same- mentioned in one of her other books

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      “Travel by map” like the Muppets do. Travel to anywhere in the world quick, cheap and in my own car!

  20. allathian*

    Star Trek’s Ambo-Jitsu looks like something I’d like to play. It’s the game Riker played with a serious competitive spirit with his father. A martial art that looks really cool, played with a long stick.

    The Klingon pre-battle exercises that Worf taught some of the Enterprise crew are basically Tai Chi.

    Vulcan 3d chess is another cool game.

    2. LBD*

      I had friends in high school who had a 3-D chess board, and they used to play some sort of version of chess on it. As I recall, they had to adapt rules to allow for the different levels!

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      In Tade Thompson’s Rosewater, a character regularly checks Nimbus(?) for information. Mid-book a comment reveals that this is not the future name for the internet, but a completely new system that was created to go on top of the old internet, which is so choked in scams and porn that society gives up on adapting it and just starts over. An interesting idea that lingered, and I’d really like to see what that looked like.

  21. Grab bars*

    Does anyone have any experience with temporary grab bars that suction on to tile in the bathroom? Or specific product recommendations?

    Context: a famy member will come to visit who is paraplegic. The doorway to the bathroom is wide enough and I am hoping they will be able to transfer from chair to toilet, which requires a grab bar to one side. Unfortunately, we cannot bolt one to the wall for Reasons, so I’m hoping to find something temporary and removable. But I am a bit overwhelmed and also wondering if the product promises actually work…?

    Thank you in advance!

    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      You want to attach one to a tile wall, not to a vinyl cover over a wall which can move a little bit, changing the shape and breaking the seal so the bar falls off. Discovered this in the shower in my parents’ apartment.

      1. Grab bars*

        Oh, good tip, thank you. We have tile there, but it is a bit textured, which makes me nervous.

    2. Llellayena*

      They actually work quite well attached to tile. My parents have been using one in the shower for years. Also, a basic walker can be placed over/around the toilet bowl to provide grab bars on both sides. Just have to make sure the cross bars across the front of the walker are high enough to clear the back part of the bowl

      1. Grab bars*

        Do your parents use them for steadying or also full weight for transfers? I trust them for steadying but full weight makes me nervous…

        1. Llellayena*

          Mostly steadying I think, I’m not exactly in there with them. But mom’s having more difficulty standing up and we got the grab bar immediately after dad had abdominal surgery so they were probably putting a good amount of weight on it but not everything.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      If you haven’t done it yet, ask the family member. They know their needs best.

    5. OT*

      You can get tension pole grab bars that go from floor to ceiling with a handle in the middle. There are also toilet seat frames and safety rails that stand on the floor.
      I would suggest sending photos of your bathroom to the relative and ask her what she thinks will work best for her.

      1. Grab bars*

        I’ve already asked and they have already been to visit. We are trying to improve the experience! And unfortunately their wish for bolted on grab bars isn’t possible…

    6. WS*

      There’s lots of options, depending on your family member’s needs – you can get a bar frame that sits around the toilet, things that stick to tiles, a raised toilet seat etc. But the thing you need to do is to ask your family member what works for them, because everyone is different.

      1. Grab bars*

        I did, and they only have experience with things bolted to the wall, which would have been our first choice anyway. I was hoping someone here had used the temporary things for exactly this use case!

    7. Shiny Penny*

      I am not paraplegic, but as a disabled person who has gone through multiple lower limb surgeries and uses crutches to walk, I would never in a million years trust a temporary grab bar for anything. Falling could result in additional *severe and permanent* injuries.

      I’m trying to be calm here, and I apologize because I suspect I’m not doing “calm” well, but honestly I would feel so endangered by this kinda casual approach to a really critical issue. Does your relative know the type of facilities you are offering them? Do they feel safe and able to advocate for themself? When I was young and ashamed of being suddenly disabled I was… not good at communicating what my needs were. Silence on the topic might not actually mean what you think it means.

      What will happen to your visitor if it turns out that oh dear large swaths of our accessibility assumptions were wrong? What happens when they are at your house, need to use the toilet, and *then* it comes out that access is impossible? Will someone be there who is strong enough to carry them to the toilet? Will your relative die of embarrassment at that eventuality, or do they routinely travel with a strong companion/aid? Will they end up with zero options and soil their clothing? And *then* what?

      Also relevant is the overall open floor space in the bathroom. Few bathrooms are large enough to work easily with a wheelchair (you mentioned “chair” so I’m making some assumptions). Some higher-end master baths are accidentally wheelchair accessible just because sometimes big=luxury, but that’s not often applicable. The walker-style structures that fit around the back of the toilet would block a paraplegic person from sliding sideways from wheelchair to toilet. Built-in cabinets often block that needed space, too. Not being able to stand up and pivot in place is pretty much the definition of paraplegia?

      You might consider offering to research accessible restaurants in your area and host a meal there, where bathroom facilities would be safely available. Or hotels if it’s meant to be a longer visit? (Which really means, not trusting the front desk person’s blithe promises but actually confirming exactly what “accessible” means at this exact establishment.)

      Lots of accolades to you, for starting to think about all of this ahead of time. Talking directly to your relative about the nuts and bolts of the visit seems like the next essential step. And if your relative is not emotionally up for discussing possibly uncomfortable stuff with you (the shame spiral can be real), maybe ask if they would be ok letting you “just iron out the details” with their parent/offspring/spouse. That’s just based on my own personal experience, though, and depends so much on the situation.

      (Also, yes there ARE really heavy duty tension pole grab bars that pressure fit between floor and ceiling — that must for sure push against actual joists and rafters, not drywall, bc they are basically floor jacks— but these must be installed correctly and not tackled the day before, because it’s complicated. And not cheap.)

      1. Grab bars*

        Woah, I totally understand why you are saying those things, but please know my family member was my first port of call for questions!! And there have already been many conversations and will continue to have them. And they’ve already seen the space (which, yes, isn’t ideal but we didn’t have the option to get an ideal one). We are trying to improve the experience within our constraints.

        Unfortunately my family member doesn’t have experience with the suction grab bars, never tried them, and I was hoping someone here had and could share he experience or suggest something better. The point you made about not trusting something temporary like that is why I’m asking because I think I feel like you do (but so far have not had to negotiate this situation for myself). Anything we buy will be tested out and talked about before purchase and installation.

        Thank you for your questions and tips and I am so glad to hear you can advocate better for yourself now!

    8. AnonRN*

      Many bedside commodes can be placed over a toilet bowl if you remove the bucket. (They make an alternative to the bucket which is basically a cylinder open at both ends, but most also have adjustable legs so you can probably get it to a height that’s just above the bowl.)

      Drop-arm commodes allow you to lower one of the arms for sliding transfers. (Both arms are usually rigged this way and you just drop the side you need.) Obviously, check with your relative about whether this would work for them: the remaining arm would be horizontal, not vertical.

      It would also take a few minutes to get it all in place, so others in the house might need to use it as well rather than taking it in and out every time. They have a seat on them like a regular toilet seat, so it’s no less sanitary than any other toilet seat. Home medical supply places may rent them or I often see equipment like this on Freecycle.

      1. Grab bars*

        Thank you! I will ask if that will work. Horizontal is actually their wish, so this might be the best choice so far.

    9. Samwise*

      You might try a toilet seat riser with handles. We purchased one after I had a back injury. A little bit of work to get it set properly, easy to remove when it’s no longer needed.

    10. Bench*

      When my mom had surgery, we tried the suction-cup style ones in her shower. We purchased from the mart of walls (our only real local option). They didn’t work with the very, very slightly textured (think dots of paint; they look smooth, but have slightly raised areas to the touch), 4×4-inch tile on the walls. The length of the bars didn’t work with the size of the tiles. We asked my pre-teen to “test-drive” them, since she is considerably less breakable than my mom, and she didn’t even have to try to get one off the wall, just push down slightly.
      They were returned, and we got a shower bench, which obviously wouldn’t be helpful for your case.

  22. Jackalope*

    Related to the weekday thread on this: what is your hill to die on in a nonwork setting? Do you have something that you aren’t willing to let go of? For this I’m thinking more along the lines of light stuff like how to hang toilet paper, not essential life beliefs like trans rights are human rights. Any thoughts?

    I have several, but the main one that’s coming to me is pushing the kitchen drawers in. Our drawers get stuck easily and so they often get left sticking out a tiny bit. I cannot deal with this – too many times in my life I’ve gotten a drawer or doorknob or what have you snagged on a picket on my clothing – and so I wander around the kitchen all the time pushing them the last little bit in.

    1. I didn't say banana*

      I break spaghetti in half before I cook it and I will fight anyone who tells me I can’t. Broken spaghetti fits in a smaller pot so the water boils sooner and it’s easier for my young kids to eat.

      1. allathian*

        I’m 53 and when I learned to eat in the early to mid-70s the only pasta shapes we had in the shops were spaghetti and the basic curved hollow macaroni. I learned to twist the spaghetti on a fork (without the help of a spoon) early, although getting the last strands was impossible without cleaning the plate with bread. But now I think that’s too much work. We still eat macaroni but avoid spaghetti. Generally we eat macaroni, fusilli (twist), or penne.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Enough people do it that you can purchase half-sized spaghetti, haha. Which is of course half again as expensive as the regular stuff, so if I am buying spaghetti at all – which I usually don’t, I go for bite sized pieces anyway – I would still buy the regular stuff and break away!!

        2. SallyAnn*

          Because the short spaghetti is so much harder to roll around your fork!! The short ends come unrolled, flicking sauce all over.

          No spaghetti breaking in our house- the flavor leaks out. ;-)

      3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Ramen too. I smash it in the packet before I open it so I have shorter strands that I can pick up in a spoon without all of them swinging, swaying, and dripping. Not a perfect outcome but my preference for my salty comfort food when I’m sick.

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      I have very strong feelings about how to fold towels so that they stack nicely and look good. (For the most part, this means I fold the towels in our house, although my husband and son sometimes help out. They’ve both gotten instruction on how to fold towels my way, and I quietly re-do any towel that isn’t folded to standard.)

      The other big one is the toilet seat and lid must be left down all the time. I had this belief because I once had to help a neighbor with a baby rat in her toilet. I’ve also had a mink come up through my own toilet, and the few seconds that it was raising the lid gave me the time to scream and shut the bathroom door and deal with that problem later. (Without the lid to slow it down, it might have gotten out and past me and been a much bigger problem.)

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I am going to have nightmares about this.

        Towel folding for me, too. Also not keeping medications anywhere visible in public spaces. I simply won’t. In my bathroom, fine. In the kitchen or guest bath? Absolutely not.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          and that’s not just prescriptions but anything – vitamins, Tylenol, doesn’t matter. No pill bottles on my kitchen counters.

      2. Texan in Exile*

        A baby bat got into our house and fell into the upstairs toilet while it was trying to drink!

        We (stupidly) got it out ourselves, using long tongs, and put it in a box to take to the wildlife rehab center. (In our defense, we were worried it would drown.)

        Extra stupid because I had the rabies shots – all 14 of them – when I was five. I should have known better.

        When my husband got the box to the rehab center and they opened it, they discovered the poor thing had flown away. So maybe it had enough water and rest to recover a bit.

      3. KeinName*

        How are you ever going to the toilet again after this?
        We briefly had a spade of snakes in toilets (nowhere near any natural snake habitats), and one of the men affected by this said in the news that it took him ages to trust the toilet again

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Untrustworthy Toilets would be a good name for a band, or for an improv troupe.

        2. Lemonwhirl*

          The only reason I was ever able to use that toilet again is because I was able to identify how the mink got into the toilet and then fix that.

          We have a septic tank system, so it’s a closed loop. This particular toilet is on the ground floor, and its outtake pipe is briefly outside and has a cap on it. That cap had fallen off, which is how the mink got in. I screwed that cap back on and then taped it down with aaaallllll the duct tape. I also checked the cap routinely for at least a year.

          If our house were on a mains system, I think I’d have to use my grandpa’s system of keeping a brick on top of the toilet and checking for an animal intruder every time.

      4. Peanut Person*

        I agree about the toilet seat + lid being down. For me, it’s primarily the visual element. It might also be because I both grew up and my last two homes had bathroom layouts with no towel racks, so the place for a towel while showering was the toilet lid. It didn’t help either when I read something about toilets being flushed with no lid on will spew up to 6 ft of bacteria. I’m not generally a germophobe, but just… no thanks. I like your stories of animals though, because that is yet another reason to continue the practice!

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I read that bacteria-spewing bit years ago in a context that pointed out it’s in the same room with your toothbrush. Lid closed before flushing every time.

      6. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes on the towels, because unless they’re folded right they can’t fit in our linen closet!

        Also, the bed must be properly made every day. I despise getting into an unmade bed–it’s like last night’s sleep is still crumpled up inside it.

        2. Jay (no, the other one)*

          My kid, age 8: Mommy, why don’t you make your bed every day like I do? It’s so much nicer.

          Cue uncontrollable laughter from my mother who hounded me about the same thing for my entire childhood, thus ensuring I would NEVER do it.

          And then lockdown hit, and I was in and out of my bedroom every day because my study is next door and I was using the en suite. This was a significant change from spending 20 minutes in the morning and maybe half an hour in the evening as I got dressed and undressed. On week 2 of lockdown I started making the bed and that habit has stuck. I also keep the room much tidier.

        3. Middle Aged Lady*

          My mom always did it for us growing up (except weekends and school breaks) because she liked to let the beds air out with the covers and sheet pulled back fir an hour oe so. So I actually grew up kind of ‘unmaking’ my bed every morning. I used to leave it that way all day when I worked and then just didn’t notice it on weeekends or holidays. Now that I am home all the time though, it bothers me to leave it unmade all day.

      7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        So of course your towel folding is that you fold it in thirds the long way to tuck in the edges, then fold that into thirds for storage, correct? Because any other way would be Not Correct.

        I have to stop myself from refolding towels at other people’s houses sometimes. But if I pull it all the way off the rack to use it, it’s fair game for Correct Folding Technique before I put it back.

        This takes me waaaaay back to a show I really never watched, Eight Is Enough I think? In which the mom is pregnant with yet another child and stressing out over the older kids not doing everything exactly the way she would. One of the items was folding towels and she was snatching towels out of the laundry basket to refold them. They had a long educational talk with her about letting go and letting other people be responsible in their own way. Yeah, sure, but this was towels.

        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          My niece calls this divide the sandwich v hot dog. Are you a folder in fourths or sixths, to make a square v a rectangle? Her assertion is that the size and shape of your linen closet determines your preference.

          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            It really does! When we moved I had to change how I fold towels. HAD to, because the old house way was simply not right in the new place.
            My husband thinks that is nuts but it’s truth.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Of COURSE.

          And just love that whole “you gotta let this pack of savages just fold towels like they’re doing drunk origami” thing–tell me you’ve never actually stacked the linen closet without telling me you’ve never actually stacked the linen closet.

        3. Lemonwhirl*

          Of course – that’s exactly my towel folding approach. I didn’t know how to describe it, and you stated it perfectly.

      8. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        I once sat on my toilet without looking and heard splashing as I started to pee. There was a rat swimming in the toilet! A pissed-on, pissed-off rat! I ran out of the bathroom, slamming the door, blocked the crack under the door and immediately called an exterminator. By the time he got there, the rat had climbed out of the toilet and was running around the bathroom. He put a rat trap in the room and shut the door. By the time he finished searching the rest of the house for signs of rats, the rat was dead. He believed the rat had clambered up the S-pipe from the sewer.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Truly horrifying. Great quick thinking on blocking the door crack. Rats seem like they are practically boneless, the way that they can squeeze into tiny places.

      9. Crop Tiger*

        I also have to keep the toilet seat closed because we have a blind cat and the toilet is either her step to get to the windowsill or the fast track to and unexpected bath.

      10. Teacher Lady*

        Towels are a hill for me, too. Bath towels should be folded with a hotdog-style fold first so that it’s easier to place them on the towel bar, and bath linens (bath towels, hand towels, washcloths) should be stacked by type, not by set (ex. all the green linens together, all the purple ones together).

    3. Dog momma*

      My hill to die on..I have some really nice dinnerware ( not china). I make sure its arranged by alternating colors. and that when husband loads the dishwasher, its not too close to something that may chip it.
      Also must have matching sheets and towels.. didn’t have this growing up, & it just feels important to me.
      Very silly that at this point..I’m 70, this stuff bothers me.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I don’t know that it’s a hill for me, but definitely a habit–I have older Fiestaware in various colors. When I put it away I pull out the pile, make sure the ones I’m putting back in are stacked so no two of the same color are next to each other, and put the newly washed items on the bottom. This way I’m rotating the wear (there are only two people in the house using these) and they always look pretty. They’re in a cupboard with glass doors and some backlighting so it’s a display issue now but I did this before when they lived in a dark cupboard.

        1. ElastiGirl*

          I do the exact same thing with my Fiestaware! I have 4 colors, and it’s so important that no colors are repeated in the stack.

          My husband does not understand the importance of this.

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Toilet paper over the top. (My husband has set up one roll to hand vertically rather than horizontally, so it has no top.)

      Buy good jam.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Toilet paper hanging under, for two reasons. One is that my cat will more easily find and hook onto it from the front and unspool the whole thing. The other is that for me if I pull too much and have to roll it back up I find it much easier to hit down on the front of the roll so it rolls toward me and pulls up the excess than to push away toward the back and do that repeatedly to accomplish the same number of rotations.

        Yes, yes, I have thought about this more than I should given the relatively short human life span.

        1. Girasol*

          Dear Abby once said that over the top is correct except in households with kids or cats.

          1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

            I’ve always lived with cats so this totally checks out. I have a picture of the one time we stayed in a VRBO with the cat and I didn’t check the TP before turning him loose.

    5. Sloanicota*

      No pets in the bedroom at night. This is as absolute travesty to many pet lovers but I’m happy to die on that hill. Sleep is very important to me. My pets are fine as long as they never got used to sleeping there in the first place. I’ve also seen it cause lots of problems for new partners in relationships when Fido is used to getting 2/3rds of the bed!

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        When we had dogs they never got on our bed (in theory they never got on the furniture, but we weren’t always around to enforce that).

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yes, personally the cats are allowed on top of the duvet when I’m not sleeping there, because they are indoors-only and generally cleaner, while when I had a dog, he was not allowed on the bed at all because he was such a dirty boy despite my best efforts. Not the hill I would die on though I suppose, until I want to sleep undisturbed. My boy was also not allowed on couches, but I mean, if you’d seen this shaggy drooly dog-giant you would also not have wanted him on your couch haha. I recognize they are not all doggy mammoths.

      2. Plaidless*

        Same. My husband almost lost an eye to a cat fight while we were sleeping. They were on the bed attacking each other, and one of them ran over his face and dug her claws directly into his eyelid. That made me realize how stupid and dangerous it is to have animals in the bedroom. In fact, I won’t even doze on the couch anymore.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I veto cats in my bedroom, and yep, I don’t get hollering outside my bedroom door because they’ve never been allowed in. (My husband also allows them in HIS bedroom, and they like him better anyway.)

        My dogs are a different story, but at least the big one is in a crate to sleep, not on my bed, and once the smaller one is out of the picture, crate-in-bedroom will continue to be the rule. (But I don’t share beds with other people anyway.)

      4. MeepMeep123*

        Same here. I’m a very light sleeper and I can’t sleep with cats in the bedroom. The cats get locked out of the bedroom at night. They don’t seem to mind.

      5. Helvetica*

        Same with my cat! I just don’t enjoy the cat litter remnants in my bed or the hair. My cat has never pushed to sleep in the bed, so I haven’t had to deny her but I would definitely stop her if she did try.

      6. Hello, it's me*

        I believe I read this in Readers’ Digest many years ago. Husband didn’t want the dog on the bed, wife didn’t care. Husband insisted that the dog belonged on the floor, even bought him his own little rug. But the dog was a slow learner. Whether by accident or design, who knows? Anyway, the dog finally started sleeping on his little rug. He dragged it up on the bed, plopped his furry butt down on it, and went to sleep.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Toilet paper over the top
      Towels folded in thirds
      Sheet sets stored in one bundle
      Double sided sponge/scrubbie
      No drying racks in the sink oh my god why
      Unscented detergents

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Oh my gawd yessss to unscented detergents (for laundry and the dishwasher)! Also dish soap (for hand washing), oxygen bleach, hand and body soap, and hand lotion.

        I fell into these habits after my mom developed severe fragrance allergy–then realized I like living almost entirely fragrance-free for myself. In my own home, I made an exception for the very lightly scented shampoo and conditioner designed specifically for curly hair. (If you’re interested: CurlyWorld Sham-Free Hair & Scalp Cleanser and CurlyWorld Terms & Conditions. Not inexpensive but recommended by the staff at my curly-hair only salon.)

        Sadly, I no longer need the fragrance-free shampoo and hair conditioner I purchased to use around my mom. She died three weeks ago. I am comforted by good people and good memories — of matters much more important than scented versus non-scented personal and household cleaning products!

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Thank you for your condolences. I *am* comforted by her memory. It will be a blessing in that others remember her kindly (she was kind, and interested in people and their lives) and do good deeds to follow her example.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        UNSCENTED DETERGENT who decided everything had to announce itself to the heavens above olfactory-wise? Nothing can just smell “kinda nice” anymore, it has to REEK.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Right??
          I can smell my neighbor’s laundry drying from two acres away! Totally gross.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            Yeah, this is becoming more of an issue for my scent sensitive partner. On fine, perfect-for-laundry days sometimes he can’t use the garden. Not sure if scent is getting stronger, as it wasn’t an issue until very recently.

            2. Jean (just Jean)*

              No kidding. There are some seriously misguided people in the fragrance industry who are trying to convince themselves and the rest of the world that everything. must. have. a. signature. scent. It’s especially disturbing when you walk down the laundry detergent aisle in the grocery store and have to experience all the separate stinks (pardon me, perfumes) combined into a single noxious cloud. Grrrrr.

              /end rant. Thanks for listening (reading)!

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I like a bargain, but I don’t want my perfume to come free with my detergent iykwim.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      Dryer lint must be removed before you take the clothes out of the dryer. My condo has a shared laundry room and while there is nothing more disgusting than someone else’s cold dryer lint, my own cold dryer lint is gross, too.

      2. A313*

        My partner and I had this discussion. He removes the lint when he removes the dry clothes. I check it just before turning the dryer on. BUT I was vindicated by the lint screen itself, which tells users to remove the lint *before* using the dryer. However, my fear of a dryer/lint fire has me checking it all the time, anyway, so it all works out.

      3. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Yes to immediately and thoroughly delinting the lint filter every single time. I keep a clean rag next to my laundry detergent and use it to remove the remaining lint that I can’t get with my fingers. I can’t get at the dryer vent to clean it from the far end, so I feel strongly about keeping it clear.

    8. Mitchell Hundred*

      The 1800s, the 1900s, etc. are decades. Those terms should never be used to refer to centuries. I don’t like being prescriptive about language, but when you make the same term refer to two very similar things it’s just asking for trouble.

      1. Isobel*

        Yes, this! I was not born in the 1900s, that would make me 120 years old. I was born in the 20th century.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m with you on the drawers! Also closet doors being fully closed.

      Off the top of my head: the word is pronounced “SUB-seh-quent,” not “sub-SEE-quent,” Husband! Quit saying it that way!!!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Ha! about subSEEquent. My husband’s first language was not English and he had a few quirky pronunciations based on his original language, but I didn’t say anything even though I am a huge pronunciation nerd inside my head.

    10. cncx*

      Voice notes. I work at a peopley job where i am on the phone a good part of my work day and can’t listen to voice notes at work. People are like “ok you can listen to them later”…readers one day I had almost an hour of voice whatsapp to listen to, and I snapped and lost it because that week I had told people a thousand different ways that if you want me to do something, a voice note isn’t it because at work I can’t and one of the main offenders responded to me using all my written words with…another voice note.

      I know it is a generation thing (I am young gen x…Oregon trail generation) but it is also logistic. I will miss stuff if it is urgent in a voice note and I am done. I just don’t listen now and let the chips fall. I didn’t sign up for everyone’s podcast. Voice notes are lazy af.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Your ending argument is sublime. “I didn’t sign up for everyone’s podcast,” indeed!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh god, yes. If you don’t want to put it in writing, call me. If it’s not worth calling me over, then put it in writing. I will not listen to a voice note.

        With the possible exception of, it’s my birthday and your kids are singing me happy birthday. Maybe. But then you should still call me so I can respond to them directly.

      3. Makare*

        UGH I had an acquaintance whose preferred method was voice notes… that were almost invariably *at least* 10 minutes long. I’m sorry, I can’t even remember what you said at the beginning of your monologue to respond to it by the time I get to the end! Thank god for being able to speed up the playback speed on those things, but I always flinch when I see one come in. Hate them.

      4. Ellis Bell*

        I don’t know that it is generational! I’m gen x and have always despised voicemail and I refused to own/use an answer machine even when they were legitimately the only way to get a quick message to someone unavailable. I actually preferred playing phone tag. I can put up with very short recordings but long ones, or having to listen to a lot in one go, legitimately bake my brain. Interestingly, in teacher training they’re trying to get us to minimise “teacher talk” without interaction to under five minute blocks, because studies are showing that people switch off if they aren’t required to respond to someone who’s talking.

      5. Teacher Lady*

        OMG WHAT, this is a thing?!? Absolutely not. I’ve never encountered the idea of substituting a voice note for a call or written message, but this is now officially my hill to die on.

    11. Clara Bowe*

      Everything in a silverware drawer should go back to the compartment it started in.
      Fold and put away laundry immediately after it is dry.
      Change clothes immediately after coming in from the outside! Indoor clothes are a thing!
      Keys and bag go on their designated hook immediately after coming inside.
      Shoes off at the front door!

      I am amused that most of these are for when I get home, but most of these are because if I don’t do them, I will never find them again.

    12. Pretty as a Princess*

      Rogue One is the best Star Wars movie.

      This is a hill I charge up on the regular.

    13. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I always must blow-dry my hair. Air-drying is only an option in August when it’s too hot to sit under a blow dryer. I hate walking around with wet hair any other time of year. Plus, my hair is naturally wavy and when I air-dry it, it looks kind of unkempt and messy. I used to like the way it looked back in the 90s when the grunge style was in fashion, but now I prefer it blow-dried straight.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree although I have opposite hair. My natural ‘do says “My mother was a put-upon Dickins character, my father was a wad of kelp.” No body AT ALL, and letting it dry naturally means I look like I should be starring in a woodcut entitled “The Wages of Vice” or something. It has to be blow dried to have any body at all.

    14. Aphrodite*

      I do not use a purse but do have bags in which I put things for work: cell phone, wallet, sunglasses, laptop, keyring. On the nights where I work the next day (Sunday through Thursday) hang my bag on the back door.

      But at times with holidays, long weekends or even regular weekends, I hang it on a solid hook back in the master bedroom closet. Because it’s neat and out of sight, I don’t mind the extra steps it takes to get it ready for its work week “commute” or to grab my keys when I go somewhere on the weekend. This way it’s a (non) visual reminder that work is far, far away.

  23. I didn't say banana*

    Why is my cat gaining weight?

    I have two bonded cats, and one is food obsessed. For the first year I had her, I was carefully measuring out her portions every day but then once a month or so she’d manage to get into some food and eat a month’s supply. I’m talking eating through the box, packaging material and bag of cat food when it got delivered, opening the fridge and chewing through the cheese packet, or opening the laundry door then opening the clip-locked storage container then tipping it over to knock the smaller food container to the floor so it bursts open. It took ages for me to store food in a way she couldn’t get it (I keep it in the boot of my car), but it’s been a while since her last binge. She is shut away while her sister and the people in our house eat. But somehow she’s still gaining weight? I still measure her food and it’s an indoor cat (low calorie) food, plus she runs all over the house chasing her sister. Where do you think this cat is getting the weight from??

    1. Not Australian*

      Could be some kind of hormone imbalance and you should probably get her checked over by a vet.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      It’s never a bad time to take an animal to the vet for bloodwork and advice, if it’s acting off and you can’t figure out why.

    4. I didn't say banana*

      She’s only 2 years old, and doesn’t have any risk factors for diabetes. When I adopted her as a kitten, they described her as “food motivated” so this isn’t new. She’s otherwise happy and healthy (according to the vet). I suspect she must be getting extra food from somewhere but she’s an indoor cat and I live alone.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Sorry to ask, but any chance she’s raiding the litter box from her cat sister? More of a dog thing usually. I feel like you would notice if she was getting success by being up at the counters/into the cabinets at night. When my adoptee was counter-surfing it was very obvious.

    5. Not A Manager*

      You say that you live alone, but also that you shut her away when “the people” eat. My first guess would be that someone else is either feeding her or giving her access to food. Is there anyone who enters your home regularly? Cleaners, relatives, partners?

      If this is really a mystery, you might put a recording device on her collar or in your home, to see what she gets up to. (Separate from above – I’m not suggesting videoing people without their knowledge! Just the cat.)

      1. I didn't say banana*

        Haha good catch, the other person who eats is 8 months old so I didn’t count her as she’s not old enough to sneak her food (and the cat is shut away when the child has food).

        A camera is a good idea.

      1. I didn't say banana*

        thanks everyone, didn’t realise this could be something serious so I’ll try another vet

    9. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Good to get a second vet opinion but some cats are just like that. I knew of one family who needed child locks on their entire kitchen, including the fridge and freezer, because their cat was chonky. They tried everything but he was just chonky his entire life.

    10. Strive to Excel*

      Could she be catching and eating pests?

      I support the suggestions to take kitty to the vet too! One of the signs that my kitty had FIP was that she stayed the same weight even after her appetite vanished for two weeks because of significant water retention.

  24. Oink*

    Im waiting for outcomes of medical assessments for my parents and am going through some other work and family dramas.

    What do you do to keep sane when you know life is going to suck for the next few weeks / months? How do you deal with uncertainty over potentially receiving big medical news?

    1. Hypatia*

      Try to set off a specific time of day to deal with or think about the uncertainties. If things start creeping into your head at another time, say to yourself, nope, I will think about that at scheduled time, and redirect your thoughts. I use the commute time in the car to think about my big unresolved things, and then get to work so I have a natural stop point.
      If there are some specific things you can plan for , research/prepare for that.
      Find something fun or comforting in your life and cultivate that. You’ll need to treat yourself kindly when things get real.
      I hope things work out. Once you have an actual diagnosis/treatment plan, it should get better. The waiting can be so hard. I went through something similar lately with a child – 9 months until we got actual diagnosis, and more months to finally get to the right specialist for help.

    2. Hypatia*

      try setting aside time to think about the hard things each day, and then move on to other stuff. if the thoughts crop up during the rest of the day, say, nope, that’s for tomorrow. Redirect your thoughts to something else. I do my hard thinking/agonizing over what ifs and maybe in the car driving to work, so I have a good stopping point and have to get busy with other things.
      Find something that comforts/entertains you and make sure you do it. You need to be kind to yourself in this hard time.
      Good luck!

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
      What I’ve done during times when I’m the bug, vs the windshield, is to try to compartmentalize as much as I can. Just be in the moment for each thing I’m doing AT THAT MOMENT ONLY. So little bites. Try not to extrapolate. And try to sleep, eat well and at least go for a walk or sit outside and look at the sky. I also try to remind myself that these bad times are also a part of life and adds to the value of the good times.
      Hang in there and good luck with everything. Internet hugs if you want them!

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I’ve found The Repair Shop (currently on YouTube in the US) to be restorative. They take one little worn out corner of the universe and restore it. It’s a welcome dissolve into fixing a small and solvable problem.

      1. LBD*

        To add on to this, I find something to do that will make a difference or improve something, however small. One terrible summer I focused on tending some plants. I try to say something positive and supportive to someone every day.
        I’m sorry you are dealing with such a difficult season in your life right now. I wish you courage and strength, and also some moments of joy.

    5. Girasol*

      My productivity slows down when part of my head is taken up with thinking about what’s going to happen and how I’d deal with different results. I’m tempted to think that I’m lazy or depressed for not getting anything done, but I need to remind myself that part of my head is working very hard. Not getting anything done, of course, just worrying. But since I can’t stop it I’ve learned to accept that life slows down for me when I’m waiting for a big answer.

    6. WestsideStory*

      Been there, you have my sympathy. I did a lot of cooking. Recipes gave me a focus and the end result could be shared.

    7. Shiny Penny*

      A few of my go-to strategies:
      I try to detach as much as possible from the big picture, and focus on the small picture. When I’ve spiraled enough, and need to shut down my spinning brain, my mantra is some version of : “Everyone is OK right exactly NOW. No one is bleeding, no one is on the floor. Right Exactly Now everyone is OK.” And I refuse to think any farther ahead than that.

      I compassionately allow myself to “waste time” playing computer games or researching an irrelevant passion or watching junk you tubes if I just need to rest my overstressed, spinning brain. It’s important to be kind about it, though, and view it as legit and helpful self care.

      When retail therapy feels like a soft place to fall, I try to aim towards purchases that will eventually be necessary anyway— pet food and supplies, replacing the expired first aid kit components, restocking/updating earthquake emergency supplies. Shopping is a form of hunting/seeking and the human brain is usually wired to find it rewarding, and I can really experience a “mini mental vacation” hunting online for exactly the best version of a replacement modern lightbulb for an obscure vintage flashlight, or something like that.

      Rereading old favorites. When life sucks, I find it really impossible sometimes to hook into new books. It’s still challenging, but I can more easily get caught up in an old favorite, and then (if it’s part of a longer series) keep going through one book after another without derailing into doomscrolling (which leaves me feeling much worse than a simple book-hangover).

      Sending good thoughts, and hopes that you are able to create some moments of peace amidst the chaos.

    8. the cat's pajamas*

      If at all possible, schedule something to look forward to. This could be a trip, a class, etc. Can be something simple, like meeting up with a friend or taking a day off for yourself, just something to have on the calendar.

  25. Anima*

    Avid knower of the hard times here. My mum just went into remission from cancer when her mum (my grandma) died.
    I carve out time for myself. For example, I’m not available for “the troubles” today, I’ll go to the library and work on my bachelor thesis. It helps me greatly to disconnect for a bit – while I can take a while day, maybe you can carve out at least some hours? For a walk, coffee or the like?
    Acceptance is also helpful, to me at least. There was nothing I could do while my family waited for the test results for my mum, so I did what I normally would do (albeit crying while doing it). It kept my at least a little bit sane doing laundry and meeting friends.

  26. Hats for Spain*

    My family and I are traveling to Spain later this year (from the US). I typically wear baseball caps but I don’t want to immediately Look Like An American Tourist by wearing a baseball cap in Spain. What hats do people wear in Spain? Recommendations for both men’s and women’s hats welcome.

    1. Helvetica*

      The honest answer is, and this applies to many European countries – people don’t really wear hats, even in blazing sun. So, I don’t think it’s a question of finding the perfect hat; just wear the baseball cap if you like it! For my money, a straw hat or the likes is even more touristy.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I agree with Helvetica.
        And I think we always look like tourists no matter what. I mean, maybe a French person going to Spain looks less like a tourist than a Canadian (me) going to Spain, but in general, we just act different when we travel.
        Hope you have a great trip, Hats for Spain!

      2. KeinName*

        Agreed. Just use the cap – your water bottle, backpack, leisure wear or shoes will identify you anyway – or your travel partners attire!
        You can try getting one of these hipster caps. Different shape to baseball caps and more slouchy.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I’m a pale skinned redhead, (UK based) and I wear a hat on holiday, but not at home for two reasons; If I’m hot and somewhere familiar, I know where to duck in and get shelter and I’m usually not trekking around trying to see as many things as I am in the shiny new place. The best hat I ever owned was dark straw, bought from a street stall in New York for a few dollars. It was packable, trimmed in navy (most of my wardrobe happened to be navy) and saved me from getting fried on my wanderings. It probably is touristy, but tourists are usually dressed for completely different activities than non tourists. I think my hat makes me look super cute, and that’s what my advice to the OP would be: Do YOU like baseball caps? If so, you’ll be happy and comfortable, right? I personally like them, wear them sometimes on scorching days, and if I see one, I don’t assume they’re American, but so what if they are?

    2. Buni*

      You could probably get away with something straw, I’ve seen loads of people wear those through Spain / France / Italy. Pretty much any standard shape – something like a panama, trilby etc for men, or a boater / wide-brimmed sun hat for women.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I am an American tourist and I’ve given up trying not to look like one. When we went to Paris ten years ago, a friend told me I MUST NOT wear sneakers or everyone would KNOW. I decided I was not going to be in pain in order to pretend that I was French. I am a polite, respectful American tourist who does her best to follow local customs and treat hotel and restaurant staff well. I wear what I want.

    5. WS*

      Hey, buy an Australian-themed cap and look like an Australian tourist instead! After a lifetime of sun safety lessons, it was a real shock to see everyone walking around in the hot sun getting burned!

    6. Hats for Spain*

      Thanks everyone for the advice! I’ll bring my baseball cap and feel out wearing it/buying a newsboy cap/going without once I’m there.

    7. Texan in Exile*

      If you see a woman in a wide-brimmed hat in Spain, it might be me.

      I wear a hat every time I am in the sun. My northern European ancestors did not expect me to be living in a place with sun (Wisconsin) and several people in my family have already had skin cancers cut out. I am not taking chances.

      I buy San Diego Hat Company packable hats. They fold up and fit nicely in a tote bag so I don’t have to worry about carrying one around inside and I can get them cheap on eBay (because of course despite being able to put them in a tote bag, I have lost them before).

    8. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      As others have said, caps are not overly common, although yankee caps seem to have become somewhat fashionable. In general, caps with a lower front profile read a lot less foreign to me than trucker hats. After some googling I think the ones I mean are called dad caps? If you want to blend in, try finding pictures or vlogs from everyday street scences.

  27. My patience is wearing thin, but I'm not*

    I’ve seen some really constructive relationship advice here and I’m hoping I can get some as well please!
    My husband doesn’t hear me. He insists his hearing is fine. He gets periodic hearing tests for a work certification, which he always passes.
    I have to repeat what I say to him two, sometimes three times. If I get frustrated, he hears the edge in my voice (no problem!) and gets terribly offended.
    So. I’m not asking for medical advice, but for some way to reframe this situation in my own head so I am not so frustrated.
    Thank you so much!

    1. Not hearing you*

      Make sure you have his attention before you talk to him. There is something called tv deafness.

    2. Hoary Vervain*

      Have you asked him what he thinks might be happening at a time when neither of you is frustrated?

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I’d be curious what his version of events is. And does anyone else have this issue with him? (His mother?). Based on what you say, it doesn’t sound like he’s tuning you out if he’s surprised when you finally do get his attention?

      2. Lynn*

        This. If he’s generally a good person, and not disrespectful and dismissive, I’d loop him in on solutions. He can say it’s not a hearing problem. Ok- but it’s still a problem.

        Good idea about the getting his attention first. Even if it’s just a change to:
        “John!”
        “Yes?”
        “(Saying the thing)”

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        He says I mumble. Which no one else says I do. Our son thinks he’s as deaf as a haddock, but can’t figure out how he’s passing those hearing tests!

        1. Annie*

          Possibilities: “Pass” in the context of the workplace hearing tests may mean, “hears well enough to continue working in Place without additional supports”. Or it means “hearing ability within reference range for healthy people of similar age, sex, etc.”

          All of that is different from “receives and responds to sound input in a variety of contexts at least as well as the average young or middle-aged person with no detectable medical incumbrances”.

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hi Patience, Is this a new behaviour? I suggest you do some investigative research for a week or two, if the audiologist has said his hearing is ok! Bear in mind they probably don’t test to see if he can hear speech when there are conflicting sounds – radio, machinery etc. How does his memory seem, his concentration when driving etc? If he is engrossed in a book or movie does it take longer for him to switch to listening? Has he started any new medication, stopped any previous medications, does he ever have to have his ears syringed, yada yada. What is a high-value treat for him – if you offered that treat in a normal voice, would he hear it? If you start your sentences with his name, does that get his attention? Does he always hear when you are three feet away, and never when you are ten feet away? He may be within the normal auditory range for his age etc, but that doesn’t mean his hearing wasn’t better in the past (I used to be able to hear lightbulbs humming/buzzing, but that has stopped with age!). Does he want to hear what you are saying to him – eg if you want to talk about painting the house, is he choosing to ignore it? Has he just fallen out of the habit of paying attention?
      Are things different if you go away for a couple of days of holiday? Is it possible to do that ? As this is so frustrating for you, it’s worth doing whatever you can to restore a happier relationship. And in the meantime, act as if he can’t hear your voice as easily as before, and face him when you speak and make sure he is looking at you before you tell him the funny thing you just heard on the radio or whatever. I hope your research helps clarify what’s going on and provides clues on how you deal with it. Even the best jokes or ‘murmuring of sweet nothings’ fall flat if you have to keep repeating them; I think a good reframe re feeling justifiably frustrated is to think Right, I am going to put on my detective cap and find out more about what is happening here, so that I am not frustrated and he is not offended. Best wishes!

    4. RussianInTexas*

      With my partner, a lot of times I have to actually get his attention first, and then talk. If he is doing something, he really won’t hear me.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I am your partner. If I’m reading or working a crossword, I will not hear what is said. You have to get my attention first. My husband is much the same way although he is less likely to be lost in a book.

    5. RAINY SATURDAY*

      This isn’t help for you but a point for readers. I had my hearing tested a while ago and discovered that it was…mostly ok and I’m definitely worse in the lower registers. This means that I can hear my women friends ok but my husband not as much. And you don’t know what frequencies they are testing at work and what their cut off point for passing is. Also if I am seriously reading it takes a few efforts to catch my attention. Having had a Dad and FIL with hearing issues, I get your frustration! (I would just get angry because they knew they had problems but wouldn’t even get their hearing checked!) That’s why my spouse and I said if the other says we need to have our hearing checked we have to do it! So maybe gamify it and see how long of a streak you can have of only having to say things once… what would you have to do to accomplish that? Or, small rewards for enduring this a certain number of times a day?

      1. MJ*

        To the point of losing hearing only in one register (some people lose higher pitched sounds, others lower pitches), try to note if the pitch of your voice changes when you get frustrated. Maybe that will give you a clue if there is some minor hearing loss just in one register.

        I’ve also noticed more recently that my parents don’t always acknowledge each other’s comments even when they do hear them.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Yup, my dad has had hearing loss at only certain pitches his whole life, which just *happens* to include my (middle-range, for a lady) voice. If I didn’t know him so well I’d think he just was sexist (I mean, he is, but that’s not what’s happening here). I’ve spent my life literally just having my brothers and husband repeat what I say. Then it happened to an (also male, older) boss, which was painful…but unlike my dad, he got hearing aids right away because he recognized the personal and professional consequences of not being able to hear half his colleagues.

          (I know hearing aids are not a magic cure-all, and my dad has tried them at various points over the years… he’s had much more success lately with the newer technology, and it’s actually improved our relationship.)

          1. KeinName*

            I (woman) have born-with hearing loss in the lower register and can’t bring myself to get a hearing aid, so also have my colleagues along repeating things my boss says ;) But it’s borderline, so I usually just sit right next to him. And my male colleague knows to pitch his voice higher if he is far away from me.
            Basically I sit in the front / near people. If the room is loud I get very nervous.
            But I have so many other health issues I have no capacity to maintain a hearing aid as well.

        2. Rainy*

          I have some very specific hearing loss in the “purple crying” range because my little sister had colic and kinda burned that register out when I was 7-8. There’s a point with infants’ crying when I basically can’t hear most of the sound.

      2. Hearts & Minds*

        Came here to say this. It’s possible you DO mumble, and that’s why he’s passing the tests even though he says he can’t hear you. Or maybe your vocal frequency and volume is just at a level he has a hard time hearing. My mom is the same way, and boy do I emphasize with how frustrating it can be for both of you.

    6. Plaidless*

      My husband is not medicated for his ADHD and this sounds like him, to a tee. I need to obtain his focus, make sure he’s watching my face, then start talking.

    7. RagingADHD*

      With one of my kids and sometimes with my husband, I have to be touching them for them to really hear me and remember what I said. Usually I’ll just lay my hand on their arm or shoulder. In a pinch, I can ask for full eye contact, which usually works but is less reliable. If not, there’s a good chance they will have zero recollection that the conversation ever happened, even if they are participating in it.

      My dad was like this sometimes, too.

      It’s one of the reasons kids grew up being constantly – constantly – patted, holding hands, side hugs, etc. Which all in all, is not a bad thing between people you love.

      Yes, my spouse and kids all have ADHD as do I, and we all have different flavors, which keeps it interesting. And I’m pretty sure where I inherited mine from.

    8. Thoughts?*

      Our entire/audiologist said when my hubby tested normal/no need for hearing aids that in a marriage, communication works best face to face. While I find it annoying (I tend to forget what I wanted to tell him while changing locations), she’s not wrong. Also, I do seem to drop my volume at the end of sentences—so hear hears the start but not the end. Working on that in my end.

    9. Rainy*

      My dad has had terrible hearing since I was a small child, at the very least, thanks to his military service, and after a while we’d just say “Dad dad dad dad dad” until we caught his attention and then say whatever it was while facing him so he could also read our lips/expression.

      I suspect some of it was also the kind of auditory processing issue that comes with AuDHD (since trust me, dad is where we got it from!)–my husband and I have the issue that he’ll frequently only repeat the last part of whatever he said when I say “sorry, I didn’t hear you” when I caught the last bit because my brain finally caught up with my ears, but I need the first bit again. I’ve explained it several times but I think there’s some kind of universal human assumption that the last few words are the important part, somehow? It can be frustrating.

      My husband (also ADHD), will just catch the last bit and then assume the first bit, so sometimes I’ll be asking a question, he’ll just hear the last part and assume he knows what the whole thing was and say irritably “Yes, yes!” or “No!” when it wasn’t a yes/no question, so that’s fun to deal with as well.

      With the “my hearing is fine!” stuff, there’s a difference between being able to physically hear a tone and being able to process the sound. One is a hearing problem, the other is a processing problem, and simple hearing tests won’t catch auditory processing disorders. I wonder if suggesting that he see an audiologist instead of just doing an automated tone test would be helpful.

    10. Another. Scientist*

      I have an auditory processing issue (and also ADD although in my case I don’t consider it a disorder/problem for me). If I’m reading or otherwise focused, I tune out noise almost completely (that’s the ADD part) and then if there’s any sort of background noise above normal speaking (large machinery nearby, crowded cafeteria), I physically cannot distinguish words. I was subjected to batteries of hearing tests a a kid and my hearing was fantastic at all ranges (including the highest and lowest frequencies humans can hear).

      Learning that auditory processing issues existed in my late 20s was a revelation.

    11. My patience is wearing thin, but I'm not*

      Thank you SO much to everyone for all the excellent advice and comments!
      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him cognitively, thank goodness, and I love the suggestions to get his attention first, among others. I’m copying all of your comments to a Word doc so I can refer back to them.
      Thank you thank you!!

      1. Samwise*

        Has he gone to an audiologist to have a thorough hearing test? Not a work related hearing test — that’s very unlikely to be a thorough test.

      2. Notmorningper*

        My neighbours say to their small kids ‘I have a question for you. Are you ready for the question?’ Then they ask, do they know they have focused attention first. I thought that was genius. It might work if it’s so attention not hearing or processing issues.
        But with a MIL with hearing aids, I will say you can pass basic tests (if that’s what the work one is) because you’re focusing, but still have hearing loss in certain registers or with background noise. And you can have hearing loss and be accustomed to not hearing much around you so you tune out and don’t hear even when you have aids. Drives me mad …

    12. Ellis Bell*

      I had this issue with my mother when living with her; I told her she was going deaf, she told me I had forgotten how to speak at a normal volume and I was continually muttering. We both have ADHD, but it wasn’t inattentiveness, as we both know how to get each other’s attention and it was very much a new development. My advice is to take the muttering complaint utterly seriously (even though I think you’re absolutely right, as I was). Tell him you want to get your volume right, stand him in front of you where he can’t see your lips (weirdly, I never muttered when she could see me!) and say a key word or phrase at increasing volumes until he thinks it’s an audible volume. It will be telling if you’re having to draw breath and project like you would in a large space with a crowd. It’s also an interesting experiment to use an Alexa if you have one at home. If you can hear Alexa at volume 3, but your husband only hears it at 9, that will be telling too. What ultimately happened with my mother is that she was in denial, but denial only lasts so long. When we had guests, or was outside the house she would give people her full attention and watch their lips, without realising what she was doing. I kept speaking to her without showing her my face, which I decided to stop doing. I also decided to give up on convincing her, and I just used my teacher voice in her presence (not shouting, but projecting; practice getting your voice to bounce off the wall). Soon after my moving out she had my sister’s family stay with her and they all told her they were having difficulty getting her attention. So, after taking some time to be convinced, she got a hearing test and now wears hearing aids and it’s fine. I realise your husband has good enough hearing for work, but it sounds like you need a different level of testing to me.

      1. Annie*

        If you don’t have and won’t get an Alexa device or use the Alexa app, the same test can be done using a podcast. Anything goes so long as there are no lips that can be read or tunes that can be recalled.

  28. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Watched Companion, about a gathering of friends and partners at a remote lake house, where it turns out one of the people is a sexbot. And things go awry. And awkward. And then amiss. This was very fun. I followed the advice to go into the story without knowing a lot, and that paid off, so that’s all I’m putting here.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I watched the first two episodes of Ludwig on Britbox (Canada). So good! I’m hoping the rest of the mini series is as good.
      I also started Miss Scarlett, which I also like.

      1. Daisy*

        Just finished Ludwig yesterday and absolutely loved it! Can’t wait for the second season!

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Watched Anola based on the Oscar buzz, and disappointed. It’s about how the men around the title character react to her, much more than it’s about her. And while the ineptness from everyone is probably more true-to-life than, say, Wolfs, it’s not fun to watch these people.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Reacher, The Pitt, Will Trent, The Rookie on the weekly basis.
      For All Mankind and Elementary when no weekly shows are out.
      Father Brown, Death in Paradise, Recipes for Love and Murder – just by myself.
      Ghosts UK as a time filler.

      1. Pretty as a Princess*

        The Pitt is so absolutely incredible. It is such a sincere love letter to emergency medical professionals and I love that Pittsburgh is a real character. The tribute to Freedom House Ambulance Service a few weeks back made me choke up. Read an interview with Shawn Hatosy and he said that Noah Wyle is “the Laurence Olivier of doctor acting” – totally nailed it. BTW, Vanity Fair did an excellent piece this week on how they developed episode 12, it’s well worth the read.

        (Compared to Watson -aka “What if we made House again but he’s nicer and also I’m not done making new versions of Dr. Watson” – purportedly set in Pittsburgh but in the very first episode they assert that a thunderstorm has closed all the bridges. Hundred-year storms don’t close all the bridges! Pish-posh to a little thunderstorm!)

        IMO For All Mankind is also one of the best shows ever made – the finale of the second season left me sobbing and almost gasping for air. I absolutely love what it does to show people how public policy and science, technology, and R&D intersect… and it’s even more compelling (and maddening) in the current political environment.

        I will add Bodkin as a recommendation. It was only 7 episodes this season and was not what we thought it would be – the characters got deeper and richer and even though there was some nonsense, we really enjoyed how the stories came together.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We are finally watching “Star Trek: Discovery.” We’re several episodes into Season 2 and I am very confused.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I liked the first season and I’m hanging on hoping the second will start to make sense.

          1. CityMouse*

            Is season 2 the one with the Angel thing? I made it through that season and bailed at the beginning of Season 3. The angel thing never quite works.

              1. CityMouse*

                Discovery frustrated me because I so badly wanted to like it because I like so many of the actors on that show. But it’s just a bit convoluted and too serious. Even Deep Space Nine remembered to have fun episodes mixed in with the war stuff.

    6. Southern Violet*

      Currently watching through Downton Abbey again, and that’s always a good time. Except for what they did to Anna. Completely unnecessary for the story, and I hate it when sexual assault is used for drama. It cheapens it.

    7. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Inspired by Trap: Any movies that did something so ludicrous it killed your suspension of disbelief?

      The set-up is that the police discover a serial killer about whom they know almost nothing has tickets to a pop concert. So they hatch the following plan: Once the arena is packed with thousands of middle schoolers and their parents, a zillion SWAT teams will completely surround the arena, armed with machine guns. The killer will be trapped inside! … I mentioned that they have no idea what the guy looks like? It’s like a game of cat and mouse between two completely irrational actors. (Though if you are in the mood to yell at an M Night Shyamalan movie about how every plot twist is ridiculous and makes no sense, this movie will fill that gap.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Has that man made any movies that wouldn’t fit that gap since The Sixth Sense?

        1. Rogue Slime Mold*

          I remember seeing The Sixth Sense and figuring out the twist 2 minutes before it was revealed, which is exactly the right timing.

          And a conversation with critics where it was like “Audiences want twists!” “No, they want spooky!” “I think they just want good stories. And that’s why they liked this one thing and not its imitations.”

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I didn’t, I was utterly gobsmacked, but I haven’t seen it again since it was in theaters. But then he just tried to ride that one trick pony in every show he did and it bucked him off every time.

    8. Professor Plum*

      Just noticed that Traitors UK season 3 is available on Peacock. It’s binge time :-)

    10. Geriatric Rocker*

      Binge watched 1899 on Netflix yesterday. I kept guessing/second guessing/changing my guesses until the end. Turned out, my first and second guesses were correct.

    11. Almost Academic*

      Pachinko! It’s so good and so beautiful, highly recommend (although warning, I wind up just crying about every other episode).

    12. GoryDetails*

      I haven’t watched it yet, but I just saw that “The Mirror and the Light” is airing on PBS tonight. (It’s the follow-on to “Wolf Hall” and covers the final book in the trilogy, and as I can’t get enough of Mark Rylance – even knowing what his Cromwell will have to go through – I won’t miss it.)

  29. PhyllisB*

    I posted a joy earlier now this one is somewhat sad. I bundled up my son’s clothes to give away. I feel like I’m losing him in pieces, but it’s time.
    I’m donating them to a men’s sober living facility. He had a lot of dress clothes because he was pursuing chemical engineering in college and had a lot of professional events.
    Perhaps these clothes will help these men get a new start in life. Hey, they have Dress for Success for women, why not for men?
    I was doing pretty well until I ran across a much loved leather jacket. He was so proud of that jacket!! He did a work study one semester in college and bought it with his first paycheck. When I saw that, I just lost it. But I know he would be glad for his brothers in spirit to benefit from these items.

    2. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I’m glad you’ve found a way to connect his past to a hopeful future for others.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I feel for you so deeply, PhyllisB. Whenever I would give something away that belonged to a loved one, I always felt a kind of totemic connection to the recipient. Like I was sharing my lost person, and my love for my lost person, with them. I hope that these donations bring you some feeling of peace.

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      I kept a flannel shirt of my dad’s for years. So keep it a while if you want. You are doing a fine thing to honor his memory, and this is so hard!

      1. PhyllisB*

        I donated the jacket, but I kept all his tiny suits he wore to church as a toddler. I just can’t let those go.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hugs to you, PhyllisB. It’s so hard to lose someone and it’s indescribably harder when the person is also your child. I hope it comforts you to think about other people making good use of his things.

    6. Generic Name*

      Oh gosh. Hugs to you. No parent should have to bury your child, and I’m sorry this happened to you. You are a good person for donating his clothes to a good cause.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. These layers of processing are so very hard.
      Thank you for being generous in the giving of your son’s things. I’m sure they will allow many people to get into a better place in their lives.

    10. PhyllisB*

      Thanks for all the kind responses. I donated the jacket, but a few weeks ago I found his tiny suits he wore to church as a toddler and I just can’t let them go.
      The house was very grateful to receive the clothes.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve been doing the same with my late husband’s belongings. It’s so hard isn’t it? I did bring great joy to a community outreach center worker though, with a large load of large clothes.

    14. Jackalope*

      I remember when my stepmother died and I offered to sort through her clothes while I was there for the funeral. My (step)sister and I spent an afternoon going through everything and getting almost all of it bagged up to donate. (Due to her health issues before she died, she hadn’t been super active at the end of her life, so most of it was in almost new condition.) We each kept a few items, as did my dad. It felt like a good balance of hanging on to a few memories but also letting most of it go to a new home. I feel you on the difficulty of sorting through stuff, but I hope you’ll feel better at having something else checked off the list that you don’t ever have to do again.

  30. Southern Violet*

    That picture is a great example of how to stack and organize your collection of cats.

  31. Skin help....stressed*

    Anyone else in their late 30s with a lot of red acne at hairline/scalp? Dealing with huge life stress lately and starting a new thing soon and…it’s wreaked havoc on my skin :/ Any soothing creams anyone swears by? More, a “my skin is stressed out…” Thinking it’s probably pre-menopausal but yeah.

      1. Alex*

        This! I had this happen when I was in my 30s and couldn’t figure it out. Turns out it was some shampoo that I had started using because a roommate had left it behind (not my normal kind). Once I stopped using it my face went back to normal. You can develop allergies at any time so even if you’ve been using something with no issues try switching it up to see if it helps.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Second the hair products. Also, do you sweat a lot? Exercising, gardening, etc. Sweat and sunscreen give me breakouts unless I clean up right away.

    3. Generic Name*

      I’m a bit older than you (45) and I’ve recently discovered that stuff that looks like acne isn’t always acne. I’ve had a rash on my shoulders that looks a lot like acne and putting aquaphor of all things on it has helped it clear up. I agree with the others that it might be a reaction to your hair products. Did you dye your hair recently? If you can’t figure out what’s going on through home remedies, a dermatologist can often pinpoint what’s going on.

      1. WellRed*

        55 and recently learned that what I thought were weird breakouts related to hormones or whatever, was actually a new manifestation of my very mild rosacea I’ve had forever. Totally different treatment!

        1. Manders*

          Yep, my “acne” is also rosacea. Started on my chin right in 2020 when we were all wearing masks, so I thought it was that.

    4. Double A*

      I’m 41 and in the last year my scalp just….changed. There’s been some stress but I also think it’s perimenopausal. I actually went to the doctor for it and she pretty much recommended what I had found myself through googling, along with a cream for what was showing up on my neck and ears.

      The upshot was, after being quite happy finally with my hair routine, I had to blow it up and start over and I’ve bought more hair goop in the last six months then I have in my life.

      The most helpful product I’ve found, though, is pure jojoba oil. I heard once it’s the closest thing to human sebum, so I use it and only that at night before bed on my face and I have started also using it on my scalp occasionally. But what this does to you hair will vary a lot on your hair type.

      I also had to start using dandruff shampoos and they’re…only kind of helpful and also seem to dry out my scalp which lead to more problems. But it might be worth trying something like Neutrogena T-sal. The shampoo my doctor recommended is Nizoral (it’s over the counter and commonly used for dandruff so hopefully not veering into medical advice here. I had actually already been using it because of my own research).

      I’ve also liked the As I Am hair line. I have thick wavy hair though, so those products are designed for me more.

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Try a clean pillowcase every night for a fortnight- any hair products you use are rubbing on your pillowcase which is then rubbing on your skin all night. Especially stuff like hairspray or hair gel- very drying on facial skin! And if you do use hairspray, try covering your hairline with your hand or a towel or something while you spray your hair. I remember hairdressers used to have a thing like a hand fan/mask that you would hold in front of your face while clouds of hairspray was vigorously used.

    6. Sutemi*

      Do you use a helmet for biking or other activities? I find I need to wash the headband and chin strap every few weeks or I get acne where it touches.

      1. Notmorningper*

        Even winter hats can make you sweaty and rub your skin. I have to wash my preteen’s hat often or he breaks out just on the forehead where it sits. So yes to washing in neutral soap all the things that touch your head.

  32. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    1. CityMouse*

      I’ve been listening to newer musicals, Maybe Happy Ending and Operation Mincemeat particularly.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’m catching up on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! and I’m thinking of starting a re-listening of Cabin Pressure.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve been listening to Olivia Rodrigo and feel very silly about it. I’ll be listening to some angsty song and then she’s like “it’s so hard to be SEVENTEEN” and I’m like “…..I’m 38”

    4. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      I watched the PBS concert, Leonard Cohen, Live from Dublin a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been replaying it all week so I ordered the CD (actually a 4 CD set, not all songs from the 3 hour concert were broadcast) It arrives tomorrow. I always loved Hallelujah and have really connected with his other songs.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been enjoying Lady Gaga’s new album and I’ve been listening to a new batch of covers from “Forte A Cappella,” the high school singing group. The 2024-2025 group has released 3 new videos in the last 3 weeks on YouTube.

    6. Clara Bowe*

      I am relistening to the second season of Cocaine and Rhinestones. Specifically the episodes on Owen Bradely and the Anti-Nashville sound.

    8. Scholarly Publisher*

      PBS Eons’s “Surviving Deep Time” podcast is mostly a lot of fun, though the most recent episode “Will We Survive the Future?” was sufficiently depressing that I haven’t finished it.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ricky Kanaka Sitting with Dogs. I’ll stop again when my shoulder is healed enough to bring my dog home from boarding. He reacts to the kennel sounds…. I’m soothed by the sound of Rocky soothing the shelter dogs.

  33. Plaidless*

    Hoping music fans can help with a resource.

    I am looking for a database that lets you find songs that are similar in chord progression and/or lyrical timing to other songs. I have tried searching by guitar tab, but it’s extremely hit or miss.

    What I have found already that is NOT what I’m looking for: a “you liked this, so you’ll like that” suggestion generator, and a “this song samples this other song” search engine.

    To give a really easy example of what I want to do: a friend said it drove her nuts that she couldn’t figure out why Maroon 5’s “Memories” was so familiar, and it was because it had the same harmonic structure as her wedding march. So if I plugged in “Memories”, this theoretical database would spit out “Canon in D”.

    Does this exist?

    1. Lynn*

      I don’t know of one, but directly related to your example- there is a hilarious old comedy skit about this exact phenomenon. Google “Pachelbel Rant”. :-)

    2. allathian*

      Sorry to say it, but AI is probably your best bet here, athough you have to know enough about music to ask the right questions.

    3. Angstrom*

      I did a quick search on “songs by chord progession” and got lists of songs, but no database.
      The Chord Genome Project appears to have tool that will search for songs by chord(s), but not progressions.

    5. Annie Edison*

      I’m not sure one exists, but I can tell you a whooooollllle lot of songs follow similar chord progressions. Look up a video from Axis of Awesome called 4 chords for examples.

      The progression in that video is probably the most common, and then the one in Pachelbel’s canon also gets used a lot.

      12 bar blues is a different chord progression but it also comes up alllllllllll the time and honestly, if you’re familiar with those three you’re going to cover a pretty wide swath of music

  34. Teapot Translator*

    For various reasons, I am unable to plan any travel at the moment. I would therefore love to hear where you’re going or where you’ve recently gone. Tell me everything about your trips!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am going to Disneyworld in the beginning of May for a short trip and will be meeting my parents and two of my dearest friends there. My friends and I signed up for one of the limited-time build-a-lightsaber experiences at Galaxy’s Edge; we’ve all done the “normal” one and are looking forward to the specialized version, and my parents can come with us to see the show part because each builder can bring in one guest. The Flower and Garden Festival will be going on at Epcot, so lots of really cool topiary displays, as well as all the little festival food booths and scavenger hunts. We have meal reservations at both a couple of long-time favorites and some new experiences, and are generally looking to pack as much fun as we can into four days :) (Most of us are annual pass holders and will be back for my dad’s 77th birthday in July as well.)

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Got back two weeks ago after six weeks in NZ, Australia, and HI. We live on the East Coast of the US. Mostly NZ – flew into Auckland and spent a bit over three weeks driving south through both islands. We planned and booked it ourselves and it went off amazingly well, all things considered. Since we live pretty close to the Boston/NY/DC metro corridor we have lots of light pollution. The dark skies in NZ were absolutely amazing, and one of the rural places we stayed had a wood-fired hot tub where we could lay in the water and just look up at the stars. Also loved our kayak expedition in Kaikoura where we saw dolphins doing backflips and a little blue penguin, plus albatross and fur seals. Aoraki Mt Cook was stunning – they don’t call it the Southern Alps for nothing – and we also loved the boat ride in Milford Sound. Well, we mostly loved everything.

      Since my favorite white wine is Sauvignon Blanc, I really enjoyed the wine tasting! And we were happy to discover Wine Collective, a consortium of NZ wineries that ships to the US. We have 15 bottles coming soon!

      Next up for me are a couple of weekend trips around NY and CT, and then in July we go to Santa Barbara for a long weekend and later on take a train trip across the Canadian Rockies to Banff. We don’t usually travel like this all in one year – we planned the NZ trip and when the Canadian adventure fell in our laps, we couldn’t resist.

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Unexpected delight: Child played in an athletic tournament in Madison, Wisconsin last spring, so we headed to Madison.

      A compact, walkable city with fabulous restaurants–everywhere we ate was great. Lakes to the north and the south, with walking trails. A gorgeous arboretum with lots of trails about 5 minutes’ drive from downtown. Because last spring’s Top Chef was set in Wisconsin, I knew to plan to hit the Farmers’ Market by the capitol one weekend morning. I bought cheese curds, but actually took a picture of a head of lettuce to send to my daughter, recognizing that it would not look great if it sat in my rental car all day, but WOW what an incredibly gorgeous example of what fresh produce should be.

      From asking here I suggested that we fill a few hours between games by visiting Epic in Verona, a corporate headquarters with lots of art. (This description did not thrill my husband.) It was great–a union of diverse interesting architecture with tons of interesting art pieces. The sort of smaller piece that you buy because looking at it when you come downstairs each morning brings you joy.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was at the Epic campus for training for three weeks in February, and it really was just a fascinating place to walk around and look at stuff during down time. (Did you happen to notice the brontosaurus in the woods as you were driving into the campus?)

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I’m jealous. I’m a lowly Epic user and did my training at the Ed Center here in town. Sigh.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’m a build analyst, so I had to get whole-whack Certified. :) in-person class, projects and proctored exams, for five different modules.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Spain last October, with my sister. Three days each in Madrid and Barcelona, with a day trip to Toledo out of Madrid. Everything was lovely, I fell in love with Madrid. And also, in love with the good, working public transportation, including fast trains.

      1. Thoughts?*

        Did similar—three weeks in Spain in September. A week in Barcelona, 3 nights in Valencia, 5 in Sevilla, and 10 in Madrid with overnight trips (one night only in each location) to Segovia and Toledo. Would happily go back and spend a month in Barcelona, a week in Valencia, a week+ in Sevilla and a month in Madrid.

    5. Science KK*

      This is more of a day trip, but my best friend surprised me with a San Diego Zoo pass so I’m going next week to get the physical copy & say hi to all the animals!

    6. Middle Aged Lady*

      Oregon Coast at Netarts Bay and Capes Meares area. Maybe camping at Cape Lookout.
      Oregon Country Fair
      Stargazing near Sisters, OR
      Camping in Iron Creek Campground, WA
      Annual visit to bestie in Richmond, CA
      Most trips are not far away and that’s how I prefer it these days. I am at the age where crossing time zones messes me up. And have grown weary of air travel. I am also liking short trips more than long ones these days. And ones where nature is the focus. A couple of these trips are with friends abd some are with my newly-retired spouse!

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, as much as a visit to NZ is on my bucket list, it’s unlikely to happen now because I get two weeks of jet lag twice a year when we switch to and from DST. I’m in Finland, so I’d be flying east to go there.

    7. Maestra*

      Traveled to Puerto Rico a couple weeks ago and it was lovely… Warm, sunny, beautiful! We had beach time, walking through Viejo San Juan time, and even went to a local rum distillery (not Bacardí).

      I’ll be chaperoning a school trip to Costa Rica in June that I’m looking forward to. It’s a service trip, not a language trip, but I get to go because an adult who speaks Spanish has to be at least one of the chaperones. The best parts: it’s free for me and I don’t have to do any of the planning!

    8. BellStell*

      Well I decided to take every Friday off in March as I has sone use it or lose it days. I live where easyjet operates so i have had three short visits to three places: Tromsø, Norway and Barcelona and also Wales. Norway and BCN were new places for me and these trips while heavy on a carbon footprint were my last ditch effort to have sone fun because starting tmrw I need to buckle down and save like mad until end of this year. I wanted to try to see new places and also friends in Wales and I accomplished that. Did saunas and spas in all 3 places. Explored. Wandered. And I am planning now to stay home rest of the year and focus on my health and finding something better to do with my life than the place that shall not be named currently is for me.

    9. Bluebell Brenham*

      Last year I did a wonderful tour of Croatia and Albania with a good friend, and Zagreb was probably my favorite part of the trip. So many good museums, beautiful architecture, and it was a perfect city to sit at a cafe table and watch the world go by. This spring I’ll be going to Slovenia, and I’m really looking forward to it. We are staying in a smaller town outside of Ljubljana but will visit Lake Bled and will forage for mushrooms and make cheese too. This summer, spouse and I are thinking of a trip to Quebec City, but wondering how travel from US to Canada will be by then.

    10. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I may or may not (depending on federal sponsorship for a committee I’m on) be going to Timișoara, Romania, the first week of April. Reading up on it I learned one of its nicknames is Little Vienna and it’s on a list of one of the top 10 safest European cities. (I wasn’t particularly looking for that last item; it came up in a tourist article.)

      If anyone has been there I’d love your thoughts!

      Much of my time will be in committee meetings focused on transportation but I’ll have a day before and a day after to explore and the transportation committee will have tour elements (to look at tunnel construction, but it means I’ll get to see things beyond the usual tourist stuff). This committee is set up so there’s always a local host agency and we get the benefit of locals suggesting restaurants and things to do.

      (I should add that the extra days are at my own expense and thanks to adding them I’m flying on the cheapest days so the taxpayers benefit from my willingness to add on.)

      It looks beautiful and so, so walkable! The downtown is pedestrian-only! Lots of squares with gorgeous Art Nouveau architecture.

      The city played a central role in the anti-Communist revolution in 1989. Among the sites is a “Communist Consumer Museum”: an apartment set up with the things you could buy there under Communist rule. I always go to art and history museums in a new place, especially smaller ones, and I walk and walk and look at the people, the buildings, the streets (and of course how transportation works). The Bega Canal runs through town; maybe I’ll get a chance to ride in a water taxi.

      I’ll drop a gift link to a 2023 NYT article in a reply.

      I’m able to plan my travel so I have a day in advance of the committee meeting to acclimate to the time zone. I’m coming from the West Coast so I’ll be jumping forward 9 hours. I did this on a trip to Switzerland last fall for the same committee and it worked great–did some walking to explore and keep myself awake when I arrived late afternoon, ate dinner, slept/woke on the new schedule. That way when it was time to get to where the meetings were being held I was already familiar with transit and routes. (Swiss transportation systems are indeed like clockwork and so, so connected! Get off the plane, there’s the train. Get off the train, there’s the bus. Get off the bus, there’s the marked crosswalk, sidewalks, bike lanes.)

      I use a technique I read about that taps into your “stomach clock”: I don’t eat anything after lunch on the day I’m leaving until I eat breakfast in the new time zone. That’s a fast of roughly 12-14 hours depending on my travel schedule. As I understand it some of the hormones that regulate your sleep/wake cycle are tied to your stomach and meal timing. This has been tested in rats and I’ve read some anecdotal discussion from people who travel a lot more than I do. I first tried it on a trip to Copenhagen pre-pandemic and it worked great.

      I hope I get to go. I’d never heard of this city and wouldn’t have put it on my list of must-see places and now I’m really looking forward to it. I hope the sponsorship holds up. Waiting to hear and I’m likely to find out only a few days before I’m supposed to leave.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        NYT gift link https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/27/travel/timisoara-romania-things-to-do.html?unlocked_article_code=1.6E4.A1sy.YYd3S60DBbrx&smid=url-share.

        I have to ding the copy editing desk here: The S isn’t a straight S in the city’s name. If TripAdvisor can manage to spell it correctly, can’t the New York Times? It’s Timișoara. I hear the pronunciation as tee-muh-ZHWAR-uh on one site, tee-mee-SHWAR-uh on another. Either way, that ș matters. My American English eyes would read it as tim-ih-so-ARE-uh if it’s spelled with an unmarked S.

    11. No Mercy*

      Playa del Carmen, Mexico in February for 10 days at an all-inclusive. We booked an excursion that included touring the Tulum ruins, ATV ride in the jungle and swimming in a cenote. The cenote was definitely the highlight. Cool, clear mineral water with only tiny catfish swimming in it that never grow larger as they aren’t exposed to sunlight.

      Another excursion was a monkey sanctuary where a little capuchin monkey named Tomasa (think Marcel from Friends) sat on our heads and in our outstretched hands. So cute!

      It was too windy for us to swim in the ocean but we had many fun days in the pool and at the beach bar. Can’t wait to return to the Mayan Riviera.

    12. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We went to Greece last October and had an amazing time. We spent a week on an island called Naxos and actually splurged a bit to stay at a nicer hotel with a sea-view…and it was amazing. The hotel served an amazing breakfast, tons of savoury and sweet options, the we’d head out for our day of exploring (beaches, hikes, and rambling streets of different villages), then come back for a free half hour of using the hotel’s spa, then sit on our balcony with a coffee or glass of wine, reading and watching the sun go down over an ancient stone archway built at the end of a causeway, surrounded by the sea. Then into town for a delicious Greek dinner. The people at our hotel, and everywhere, were so nice and welcoming – the one lady gave us a hug when we checked out!

      We also went to a place called Meteora, which has 900-year old monasteries built on top of these giant rock formations that shoot into the sky. We again stayed in a room with a view of a beautiful garden and the rocks beyond, and at around 4pm, the churches and monasteries would all start ringing their bells, accompanied by birdsong. We used e-bikes to get up and around between the monasteries, which was just a pure delight.

    13. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m going to Denver to see a live recording of How Did This Get Made, a podcast where three comedians talk about bad movies. On the day I’m going, they’re talking about Double Trouble, this 1992 action comedy starring twin bodybuilders. It was terrible and I can’t wait to hear the hosts discuss it.

      Also, this is my first time going to Denver and I’m excited to see Blucifer.

  35. Can't Sit Still*

    I have my in-person pain clinic intake on Monday! Does anyone have any positive stories and/or results from you or a loved one or even a friend or neighbor going to a pain clinic? All I ever hear are negative and depressing stories about how useless they are. I’m hoping this is bias and the people with positive outcomes aren’t talking about them because they are busy living their lives.

    While the pain clinic doesn’t prescribe opioids, I have one of the mutations that make them useless to me, so that’s not one of my concerns. I also don’t expect to become pain-free. Tbh, I have no idea what that would be like, since I’ve had chronic pain for decades, but it’s gotten much worse in the past couple of years. I just want to be able to live my life as normally as possible and I want to know what realistic goals are going forward.

    So, positive outcomes from a pain clinic, please?

    1. Thoughts?*

      Friend did and it was life changing! Was residential for the first week then commuted for another week. Best of luck!

    2. Luisa in Dallas*

      My partner has pain from arthritis in various parts of his body. He recently started seeing a pain management doctor for this. We were pleasantly surprised by the experience. I don’t know why, but I was expecting that we would have to convince the doctor that the pain was “real” and that my partner was not the type of person to abuse pain meds. However, the doctor was in fact very helpful and not at all reluctant to prescribe whatever was likely to work for the pain but still allow partner to function without fogginess. So, our experience was that the pain management doctor was especially knowledgeable and helpful. I hope you have a good experience, too.

    3. WS*

      I had severe sciatic nerve pain as a complication of an auto-immune disease. Opioid painkillers just put me to sleep, and didn’t affect the pain. Unlike everyone else I had seen, including rheumatologists, they did an intensive physical examination then re-taught me how to use my lower back and right leg. I’m not pain free, but it’s like 95% better and I no longer need support when walking on bad days.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Depending on why you are going- being given information can be very reassuring in itself. For example, that ongoing pain from a healed broken arm is due to a damaged nerve, and that using that arm is not making the injury worse (because it is all healed and absolutely fine), but because it is a damaged nerve that is sending pain signals, not the injury. Maybe that nerve will eventually recover, maybe it can be treated by acupuncture, maybe self-hypnosis can help you not pay as much attention to it, etc. Being reassured that it is fine to use your arm, and that the stabby pain when you do is ‘simply’ due to a damaged nerve, and that your brain can say to itself Woah that nerve is really active today- rather than saying Oh My God I shouldn’t have carried that bag of cat food, I have made my arm injury worse, I can’t bear it etc etc – how we understand and describe our pain is really impactful.
      A pain clinic will probably also teach you how to really deeply relax, and that’s always useful! But overall I think reducing fear about pain makes a huge difference. I hope you enjoy going to the clinic!

    5. Texan in Exile*

      I didn’t go to a pain clinic but I did see a pelvic floor physical therapist about bladder pain. For three years, several times a week, I would have bladder pain at night so bad that I could not fall asleep. I would gulp down a few AZO, get up to pee every five minutes, and wait a few hours for them to do the trick. I was getting really depressed thinking this was going to be how the rest of my life went.

      And then last summer, I saw an article in Elle Magazine about pelvic floor physical therapy – a thing I didn’t even know existed. I got a referral from my doctor and saw the PT three times. She told me my pain was fixable and she gave me exercises to do at home and wanted me to meditate (she looked for a meditation video on youtube and it opened with a campaign ad for the person who is currently in the white house and I yelled “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX WITH *THAT* I HATE THAT GUY!” and she said “OMG SO DO I”) and did some other PT-ish stuff and – it’s gone. My pain is gone. I have not needed to take AZO since last July.

      She taught me how to manage my pain and her techniques work and I will now forever sing the praises of physical therapists. You are angels.

    6. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      An immediate family member works as the scheduler in the pain management part of an orthopedic surgery practice. They’ve told me stories about how relieved people are when an appointment is available or when they call to say there’s been a cancellation and someone can get in earlier. Sounds to me as if it’s working for them. But post-surgery pain sounds like it would be different from chronic pain and I hope you can find some relief.

      Good luck!

      Personal story, not giving medical advice: I’ve had a couple of broken bones over the years. I haven’t gone to a pain clinic per se, although after my broken wrist when the PT appointments ran out and it still hurt I ended up with acupuncture that seemed to help. The acupuncturist also fixed a recurring sharp pain in my psoas. That was my first experience with acupuncture. The psoas pain has come back and I’ll be going there again for relief.

  36. DJ Abbott*

    Should I request a different financial advisor?
    It turns out my father had his money in a trust, and left instructions that it be divided into two trusts for me and my sibling. Last week we had a meeting with the finance company and they explained how this would work.
    I first talked to the advisor in charge of this last fall, and he said he would email me information but never did.
    In the meeting, he told me to go to their website and register for the portal. When I tried to do that, it wouldn’t let me complete registration until he does something. So I emailed him, and he has not responded.
    It’s only been one business day, but I’m not comfortable trying to work with someone who doesn’t send or answer emails. Should I ask for a different advisor who is more responsive, or wait and see what happens?
    Thanks!

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If this were the first time, I’d say wait and see. Sounds like it’s at least the second, though. Seems perfectly reasonable to me to ask for someone who can communicate in the way that works for you – or ask him if there’s a better way to reach him (his assistant, maybe?)

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I would reach out to him and just ask if this is typical for a response time for him or if something is going on. It’s possible he wasn’t in the office Friday. Did you follow up last Fall? Do you know for sure that it didn’t go to spam? (could have happened this time, too, if it was an email you needed)
      And honestly, I don’t know that you can expect someone super fast and responsive unless you’re a high roller or their only client. 48 business hour responses are pretty typical from most of the people I use (bookkeeper, tax preparer, insurance agent, etc.) and it’s fine with me because I know they have dozens, if not hundreds, of clients.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Yes, a few days response time is fine. I was just anxious that this apparently happened twice when I’m dealing with a whole new thing I’m not familiar with.
        I don’t think his replies went to spam because I did receive his emails arranging our meeting. I just checked my spam and there’s no reply from him.
        I’ll wait a few more days and if there’s no response, I’ll ask his admin how he communicates.
        Thanks!

    3. RagingADHD*

      I don’t think one business day the Friday of Spring Break week (in a lot of places) is necessarily representative of an overall poor response time from this individual.

      I’m not clear on whether you were actually trying to take action on this last fall, or if you had just requested general info. I get that the two things together are frustrating, but my initial impression is that the delay on the portal permission is probably a lack of tech savvy on his part, and not responding on Friday is probably due to being out. Neither of those things reflect on his ability to give good investment advice, and are likely to be the same with anyone at the firm. IME, the admins are usually the ones who really know how to use a portal or other tech, and the client-facing professionals tend to be vague on the details.

      Getting all the paperwork drawn up to change a trust isn’t the kind of thing that happens overnight anyway, so unless he gave you vibes in the meeting that made you think he was careless, skeevy, or a jerk, then I’d suggest seeing how things go on Monday / Tuesday before asking for a new advisor.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Thank you. He seemed ok in the meeting, pretty friendly and knowledgeable.
        I know I should allow more than one business day for this response. Having this happen twice made me anxious, and I just thought I’d gather some opinions here since it’s open thread day.
        I will ask his admin for more details.

        1. Grey Coder*

          I wouldn’t be too concerned about a day or so, but make sure you find out who the trustee actually is. It sounds like it may be the financial company, rather than this guy as an individual. Since he has an admin, cc them on everything as they may be able to handle this kind of system access issue.

          As an aside, you will want to get hold of the trust documents just so you have complete information.

        2. Notmorningper*

          Being cynical for a moment, it’s not in their interest to make it easy for you to move your money elsewhere – presumably even if it’s a trust, you could leave any earned/disbursed income there or move it to your bank. I wouldn’t worry per se, but if they don’t respond a couple of times I might point out this is not conducive to you keeping more business than needed with them!

  37. My Brain is Exploding*

    I need some search words, please! I am looking for a fedora-style (Panama) women’s hat that I can wear on a hot day but also a day where it is likely to rain at some point (so, no paper/straw hats). This is the style that looks best on me! Thanks.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I typed in “waterproof fedora hat hot weather,” without the quotes, and a bunch of things came up. Hats can be tricky if you’re unable to try them on before purchasing.

    4. Qwerty*

      Maybe hiking hat? Or add “packable” to your fedora/panama hat search to get materials that can last in rain?

  38. PatM*

    A week ago on March 14 a letter was published about a bad baseball cap. I think I found a worse one: the Puma Ferrari Race trucker cap. I’ll post links in a reply.

      1. Maryn*

        Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking anything when that second image opened. I’d have ruined my keyboard for sure!

        3. Observer*

          I don’t feel like that hat is worse, but the matching SHORTS omg

          Yeah! It’s sooo bad that I suspect it was not a mistake….

  39. Ruh Roh Rooster*

    We got chickens from a friend, 5 hens and a rooster. The rooster is quite young, under a year, and he’s been lovely. Then he started getting sassy. Last night I think he fully underwent puberty and he went for one of the hens. When I went to let them out today, he and she were bloody. He kept at her even when they were out in the huge yard, so I’ve got him in a cat crate right now. He’s more beat up than her because he’s like half her size but he’s definitely the aggressor. The hen he went for seems like she’s 2nd in the pecking order.

    I’ve been googling all morning. It seems like we might have a slightly low hen to rooster ratio, but other than that the other stressors that can set this off aren’t present. Other than rooster hormones.

    Anyone ever have a small flock with a rooster that turned? Can he be reformed? Will they sort this out or will they kill each other?

    1. KageB*

      Are you trying to actually raise chicks? Roosters can be very territorial and mean. Growing up on a farm, we had several attack kids/other animals. Ended up being not worth it as you don’t need him if you’re just trying for eggs…

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Exactly. Is there a reason you have the rooster? They can be super tough to deal with, as KageB said above. If they’re OK, they can be protective of their flock and make sure they’re all safely roosting at night etc, but this guy sounds aggressive.
      If you just want eggs, you don’t want a rooster, IMHO

      1. Sloanicota*

        To be fair, if you don’t have a rooster, it can feel like your hens are basically just walking dinners for every species and some you never considered. Roosters are generally annoying but the reason people keep them is to protect the flock. I am unfamiliar with them being too aggressive towards the hens though.

      2. Ruh Roh Rooster*

        I’m not committed to any particular path with chickens, but we do live in a rural area where predators are a concern so if the rooster can cohabitate without harming us or the chickens, I’d prefer to keep him! So far he is respectful of people though I know that can turn on a dime and I won’t hesitate to cull him if we need to.

        Today I built him bigger jail. Interestingly the hen still was going for him through the fence, though it wasn’t a very long fight. Hopefully it’s establishing his place in the flock and they’ll sort it out.

        He’s got a reprieve for now and we’ll see if he’s worth it in the long run.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Individual chickens have different temperaments, so you might not be able to influence his attitude. Usually aggression is rooted in them not having enough space for the numbers/personalities, but it can totally just be personality!
      What worked for me once: tying a lightweight object to the aggressor’s leg for a few days.
      It changed the social dynamics enough, that by the time it fell off the aggressive hen was no longer in “attack mode.” (The aggressor was alarmed and tried to hide amongst her friends. Her friends were alarmed and ran away from her. She chased THEM trying to get comfort, instead of chasing-in-rage, and the previous target of abuse was completely forgotten in the ruckus. But there WAS a ruckus, so this might not work if you have close neighbors. And it assumes your coop is large enough with a variety of perch heights and “hidey holes” so they can achieve social distance — which should be true anyway.)
      I used lightweight plastic logging tape tied in a (loose) loop around the leg, with part of a cut down lightweight plastic water bottle on the end to flop around. Size proportioned to the chicken involved. A strand of logging tape all by itself might work just as well, but I wanted something short enough to not get tangled. (Of course, tie the tape loose around the leg, and stick around for a couple hours to observe things).
      I would never do this unless I was trying to rehab an aggressive chicken so it could stay in its nice safe home, but they will kill each other so it’s either “try something” or rehome!

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Ha, most realistic! I’ve done that, too— it was before the internet and I’m not a great cook so it was an adventure. (The Foxfire book explained the part before you get to the kitchen… Then it was Mom’s Joy Of Cooking all the way)

    4. Hyaline*

      None of mine have ever gotten aggressive toward the hens. Sometimes there are squabbles and we had a very…enthusiastic fellow whose repeated advances required the use of hen aprons for the ladies. But honestly the old farmer advice I’ve gotten is that if you have a mean rooster he needs to be culled. Since your guy is adolescent I might see if he chills out given a month or so but if not…it’s the freezer for him.

      1. Ruh Roh Rooster*

        Definitely will cull him if he turns out mean! Right now I can’t tell if he’s mean or if he’s just persistent and annoying one of the dominant hens. Today she was going up to him and picking on him even though he’s in jail. Up til now he’s spent the most time with the lowest girl on the pecking order. I think he’s trying to move up in his advances but the more dominant girls are not having it. It remains to be seen if this can be sorted out without unacceptable levels of violence.

        Basically right now he’s in jail for a couple months; tbd if this is a capital offense.

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I have a chicken-keeping friend and have learned things from her. My $.02:

      If they’re outside exposed to predators, which I assume they are for much of the day, you want to keep him to do his guarding job. (Her rooster fought off a HAWK to save his ladies and alerted them with the ruckus when a furry something broke into the coop one night.)

      You can get a kind of saddle thing you strap on the back of the one he’s really picking on so she has time to heal.

      I hope they have plenty of room to move so they can basically run away from him.

      1. Ruh Roh Rooster*

        Yes, I do want a rooster in theory because they free range and we have lots of predators. They have the run of a very large fences yard (an acre?) so plenty of space. The trouble started in their run, though, before I had let them out for the morning. So maybe keeping them separate will allow for a reset. We’ll see!

        He’s also been totally fine so far towards people. He is a silky, which are small and stupid looking (in a way I find highly amusing) so I can’t imagine the girls are too wowed by him, romantically speaking.

        1. Hyaline*

          Oh I have a pair of silkie roos! I do love them—they’re stupid and hilarious but also the absolute bottom of our pecking order as they’re the smallest and new additions. (Unfortunately not much meat on them if they decide to become permanent a-holes, though! My Orpingtons are docile and clueless but at least they’d make a meal if they went rogue.)

  40. Selecting a financial advisor for retirement planning*

    For many years I was in low-income jobs and didn’t save much for retirement. I’m in a better position now and I’m socking away a hefty chunk of my salary, playing catch-up in my 60s with about five years to go before I retire. A friend I trust had a comparable financial journey recommended their financial advisor and I started working with them last year. They got my multiple retirement accounts from different jobs consolidated into an IRA and they’ve helped me create a practical plan. I’m also contributing to the 403(b) account that my employer matches.

    Here’s where I could use advice. Not being well-versed in such things, I started working with this advisor thinking their work was fee-based. I misunderstood and in fact after my initial payment, I’m realizing they are paid by a percentage of the amount in my account. (They’re not unethical and misleading, I just didn’t understand.) I know this is a common model, but it’s not what I wanted. With a relatively low amount in my retirement fund, my sense is that I’m paying more than if I paid someone a flat annual fee. I realize I don’t know what an average fee would be, so am I correct in that?

    Has anyone moved their retirement account from one advisor taking a percentage to one who is paid a flat fee? Was there a penalty involved? Other than finding a new advisor that is fee-based–I’ll get recommendations from experienced people like me that I trust–how does the process work? No “you should have” please. What say you, commentariat?

    1. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Do you need a financial advisor? The people I know who have financial advisors have multi-millions in their accounts.

      As you know, financial advisors take a % of your savings. This will affect your yield and how your profits compound. And in bad years, they still take a %. So I buy Vanguard index funds or ETFs – they have the lowest expense ratios. What you have to decide is how risky/conservative you want to be. For example, what percentage to invest in total stock index vs bonds.

      I found out about Vanguard through a book called “Investing for Dummies” but there are a lot of books out there that recommend Vanguard (or low-expense ratio funds)

      Not a financial advisor, every investment comes with risk/reward yada/yada.

      1. Roland*

        > As you know, financial advisors take a % of your savings.

        No, that’s not true as a blanket statement. There absolutely are also advisors who are fee based. To me that’s way preferable than trying to make it my own hobby.

          1. Selecting a financial advisor for retirement planning*

            Thanks. I added my post hours before it actually appeared on the site, and subsequently saw there were other threads with similar questions.

      2. WellRed*

        One doesn’t need to have millions to need financial advice. OP is being very smart to take their meager savings s as nd make a plan (I’m in the same boat and this post has me thinking).

      3. Dancing Otter*

        That’s why the fee-based advisors can be better for some people. They do NOT charge an ongoing % of your assets. Their fees are based on what you ask them to do.
        Meet to discuss goals strategy $X per visit; reinvest dividends as they pay in, or forward them once a month $Y; active management like a bond ladder (setting it up and looking for the best deal when one matures) or alerting you whenever market changes affect your portfolio strategy, $Z; and so forth.
        And if they actually hold your investments and make trades, or purely advise you what to do with assets in a separate brokerage account, the fees would be quite different.

    2. Qwerty*

      Maybe look for a financial planner rather than advisor? Mine takes a holistic view of my accounts when making recommendations rather than focusing on the money they manage for me. How they make money depends on the investment and they are very transparent about it – it could be a fee, a percentage of my investment, or even a commission from the fund we’re investing in.

      Check whether the companies managing your accounts provide financial advice for free. Most of the time the companies my 401k is through (like Principal) offer a free session each year to help you decide which of their funds to use. If your IRA is through Fidelity they also offer this last time I checked

      Funds and financial advisors who charge a percentage fee typically are expected to provide higher returns as a result. So if the market increases 3% and your advisor charges 1%, then you’d want the funds they manage to making over 4%. Basically it should be that the benefits of using their service end up paying for themselves and they should have the historical data to back that up. Unfortunately I don’t know what standard gets used for the market – maybe the S&P?

  41. Lifelong student*

    So today I was working on solving a personal tax issue where two documents which should match did not. Clearly if the same information was entered in each document, they should match. Which says to me that there is an error in the entries on one of the documents. Both documents have the same source of information. My partner- trying to help- kept looking for errors in an irrelevant source of information- which was not helpful to me in solving my problem. I finally realized why partner gets so upset when I try to offer suggestions on something I really know nothing about. Will try not to do that in the future- even if my excuse is “I’m just trying to help” Wont change partner- but might change me.

    1. Turtle Dove*

      I really like your last line! That’s insightful. Did you mean to just vent to him, but he took it as a request for help? I try to catch myself and not do that to others, but it’s hard. I do enjoy helping and solving problems.

  42. Not your typical admin*

    Starting a small herb garden! So far I have lavender, mint, chocolate mint, parsley, basil, and lemon grass. Any others that you guys find easy to use?

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      Oregano grows easily and is a nice culinary herb for Italian and Greek dishes. Sage as well. Did you mean lemon balm or lemon grass?

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        If it’s lemon balm, that will grow and spread as aggressively as the mint. I keep members of the mint family in their own pots.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Rosemary and thyme!

      Not sure if you’re a first time gardener, but if so bear in mind that the plants you listed do *not* like the same conditions at all.

      Lavender, basil, and lemongrass need full sun all day. Basil and lemongrass are thirsty and like their soil kept moist. Lavender (and rosemary) do not like damp feet at all. They need excellent drainage and would rather be a bit on the dry side.

      Your mints and parsley can’t take that much sun, they prefer only part of the day, or a partially sheltered area. They are also thirsty and want to be kept moist.

      If you are limited by space and need to plant them all in the same general area, you might want to do a vertical, mounded, or spiral bed so the ones that like sun & drainage can be at the top and the ones that want less sun & more water are at the bottom.

    8. Sloanicota*

      Chives! Rosemary. Sweet bay (good for stews) loved my sunny and hot side garden. I assume you know to keep the mints carefully contained, as they will spread rapidly and take over the world if they can.

    10. is the math right ?*

      containers or ground/raised bed ?
      oregano and mint can be invasive. keep them in containers (within your bed / plot if desired)

    11. Clara Bowe*

      Chives. They are terrifyingly hearty (perennial) and easy to grow. Also good for garnish and summer salads and cream cheese spread.

      Oh! And cut the bottoms off of any green onions you buy @ the store and plant the root stocks. Free green onions all summer are fab and you already bought them!

    12. Professor Plum*

      Explore the many varieties of basil: lemon, lime, chocolate, cinnamon, purple, large leaf, globe, thai. You’ll find some of these wherever seeds are sold, but you may need to look online for others. Have fun!

  43. The Silent Treatment*

    TL;DR: do I deserve this silent treatment?

    Partner and I were on our way to dinner last night and were waiting for the train. I said something I thought was a joke that didn’t land and it hurt his feelings. He told me it didn’t make him feel good, I apologized and told him it wouldn’t happen again. It was something that would’ve landed every other time so it wasn’t intended as hurtful but I understand sometimes these things can happen. He’s done the same to me. We all have.

    As we waited I could see him doing the thing he does when the silent treatment is about to set in. Running his hands together, twiddling thumbs, etc. For some background he will walk away from every argument, discussion, minor disagreement, no matter how big or small. He’ll issue the silent treatment for slights I didn’t know I had committed. It’s awful and always like the rug gets pulled out from under me. So now I can’t figure out if this is a reasonable response.

    As the train was approaching last night, I asked him what stop we needed to transfer at, and he barked it at me. I asked if he’d rather just go home and he aggressively shrugged his shoulders so I said we should go home then and got up to walk back to the car. We haven’t spoken since. I guess he was just going to let us go to the restaurant in silence with him pissed, me confused, and the waiter nervous—which has happened more than once. I guess he was never going to speak up and say he was too hurt to go out. Unless I happened to catch on like I did and end the night. The silent treatments happen so often that they no longer bother, surprise, or hurt me all that much.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Your last sentence tells me a lot. I divorced that guy, because I never deserve to be treated like crap, especially without knowing why. If you need space to not talk about something, cool. We can leave it for now. But – and maybe this is my particular baggage – after seven years with someone who did what you’re describing, I absolutely do not tolerate that type of mistreatment anymore. That wasn’t the only reason for our split, but it was a big one.

      No, you don’t deserve a silent treatment. You deserve a lot better than that. Like a grownup who can use their words.

      1. basil and thyme*

        You deserve a lot better than that. Like a grownup who can use their words.

        This. This is perfectly said.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          This 1000 times. If he’s hurt, okay. But that’s not license TO CONTROL YOU, which is what this behavior is about.

      2. Not A Manager*

        “The silent treatments happen so often that they no longer bother, surprise, or hurt me all that much.”

        Are you sure? Because from literally every other word in your post, it sounds exactly like they bother, surprise and hurt you. And why not? They are intended to punish you.

    2. WellRed*

      This is not normal or healthy behavior. You are in a bad relationship with an emotional abuser. Please seek help including counseling.

      1. Survivor*

        Individual counseling for you. Marital counseling with someone who acts this way often makes it worse for the target.

    3. RagingADHD*

      The silent treatment is toxic and nobody “deserves” it. Healthy relationships between adults do not contain any element of punishment or power games.

      If someone needs some time to collect their thoughts, get ahold of themselves, or process what happened, then they need to articulate that and take the time with themselves rather than lash out or try to manipulate the other person’s emotions.

      If this is a relationship you want to stay in, please get individual therapy. You may also want to try couples therapy, but when one partner has a punishment or power based mindset, you need your own support / perspective separate from the couple sessions, because they are likely to manipulate the sessions.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, I’m conflicted on this point, because I often can’t process my feelings in the moment and I often need to step aside. If I am forced to respond RIGHTNOW to someone (usually someone with anxious attachment that is freaking out I’m upset and needs reassurance) I end up being more aggressive than I meant to be. I need to cool off and then I frequently end up realizing there was no need to even have a fight, I was just feeling weird, the other person didn’t mean to hurt me etc etc, all on my own. But, at the very minimum, when I’m not actually upset, I’m able to articulate that, ask or what I need, and provide reassurance. What does your husband say when he’s not in the middle of the snit?

        1. RagingADHD*

          When I say “articulate it,” I don’t mean a long drawn out explanation, just acknowledgement of what’s happening. I think setting up a codeword or gesture in advance, or even just “gimme a sec,” are very, very minimal reasonable expectations in a long term relationship.

          I’m sure the OP’s partner would claim they are incapable of expressing themselves in the moment, but that’s not the issue. What OP is describing is not something a partner should have to tolerate or make excuses for, particularly in such an incredibly routine, low-stakes situation.

          The OP was not anxiously looking for reassurance, but wanting a modicum of civility rather than being snapped at and then cold shoulderd for *days,* according to them.

        2. The Silent Treatment*

          He’ll shrug it off and say he was hurt/angry/sad/embarrased with no acknowledgement of his treatment of me. That’s just the way it goes, basically. Whereas I watch my language and tone carefully in an argument when I’m normally a sailor mouth. He thinks heat of the moment behaviors are excusable.

          2. Roland*

            > He thinks heat of the moment behaviors are excusable.

            Well, he is free to excuse them if someone does it to him. This doesn’t obligate YOU to excuse them.

          3. Emotional abuse is never ok*

            But it’s not heat of the moment behaviour if he then drags it out all night. You called the night early because you knew he’d carry on for hours with his emotionally abusive silent treatment, including in the restaurant as another way of punishing you. He’s gaslighting you and training you to subvert yourself to his whims. I hope you see a therapist and a divorce lawyer if needed. I lived with someone like that and it took me a while to rebuild my sense of worth and self after being treated like that. I spent far too long trying to placate him instead of walking away after the first couple of times it happened.

          4. goddessoftransitory*

            They aren’t. And he’s the opposite of heated, from your description. He’s planning this out and doing it deliberately.

          5. Ellis Bell*

            He doesn’t get to be around you during these times when he isn’t concerned about how he is treating you. Someone needs to chill out in a hotel room and it isn’t you. You never deliberately hurt him, you apologised, and it would be one thing if he respectfully said he needed some processing time, but actual punishment, deliberately meted out, is not acceptable at all.

          6. Observer*

            He thinks heat of the moment behaviors are excusable.

            Really? Then why is he *still* giving you the silent treatment? That’s not “heat of the moment.”

            Neither is refusing to communicate. Nor dumping his anger on someone else at least half an hour later (if the waiter at the place you wind up getting to after a train ride.)

            I agree with the others. It would be really helpful for you to get individual therapy as well as acknowledging that although “this is the way it goes with him”, it’s not really the case that you don’t notice or care but that you’re trying to cover it over and try to justify *something*.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      Just one more voice in the chorus, here. What you describe is never ok. It is especially especially not ok as a long-term default strategy between partners.

      You are occupying the “walking on eggshells” space. This is how you know the situation is abusive. I can see how confusing it might be that ***it looks like*** there is “not much” abuse going on here— but his silent punitive rage IS abusive. He is using his behavior to punish you, and to train you to feel guilty and wrong, and to make you suffer, and to train you to choose to focus a huge amount of your energy on managing his moods/reading his mind/monitoring your behavior to avoid setting him off.
      Good partners do not employ those strategies and would actively try to protect you from feeling awful.
      Please assess your safety (domestic violence hotlines can help you do this if all of this is new to you) and consider that you deserve a better life and a better future. What you describe sounds like,”I have learned many survival strategies to live more safely with the grizzly bear.” But, look— not living with a grizzly bear is actually a nicer life, and you deserve *that.*

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I want to say one more thing about Penny’s phrase here, “silent punitive rage.” Healthy adults don’t punish each other without enthusiastic consent. Partners shouldn’t be in a power mis-balance where one of them is routinely punishing the other. That is not a relationship of equals, and it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s an abusive one, where you are being mistreated, and you’ve come to think it’s acceptable that they treat you this way. The pot is starting to boil. Jump out before it’s too late.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I agree with the comments above. This is such an unconstructive way to handle a relationship. It sounds pretty controlling/passive aggressive to me. He needs to act like a grown up and use his words. For me personally, this would be a big dealbreaker.
      Good luck with this.

    6. LGP*

      The silent treatment is never okay. If he needs time or space before continuing to discuss an issue, he needs to say that to you. It’s a bit odd to me that he was able to tell you in the moment that your words upset him, but then he’s still holding a grudge after you’ve apologized. Like, what else does he want from you? And of course, an apology doesn’t automatically make everything okay right away, but again, if he’s still feeling upset and needs some time to process, he needs to communicate that to you.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Coming back to say, I especially don’t like your framing of whether you deserve THIS silent treatment, and the long explanation of how from past practice you thought the joke would be okay, and you didn’t know it wouldn’t be okay, and you didn’t mean for it to not be okay.

      IT’S NOT OKAY. Even if you’d on purpose said a mean thing to him, the silent treatment wouldn’t have been an appropriate response. You’re tying yourself in knots to see whether you “deserved” someone else’s horrible, punitive behavior. No, you didn’t.

    8. Alex*

      That sounds really unpleasant and not the treatment you deserve. The silent treatment is so childish and cruel.

      Are you OK with this being such a major part of your relationship and how conflict is handled? Is he willing to discuss this with you in a non-fighting moment? I would suggest counseling for the both of you, except I strongly suspect that someone who does this would not agree to go.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Well, I personally would not actually suggest counseling, tbh. I think you’d get an enormous amount of gaslighting and blame, and I think TST is very susceptible to it right now. Individual counseling, sure. Couples counseling? I’d advise against it.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Agree that couples counseling would not be helpful here. Abusers just manipulate it to suit them IMHO.

    9. Caller 2*

      Silent treatment is never okay. It’s not how normal people treat others. It’s cruel and manipulative.

      Not speaking to someone for a short time because you’re just so mad that you’re afraid you might say something you’ll regret, or because you need to gather your thoughts? That’s ok, though ideally you’ll remove yourself and communicate your reasons for not speaking either before or after. But deliberately freezing someone out as punishment? Very much not okay. Your husband is treating you badly

    10. Survivor*

      No, you do not deserve the silent treatment. All of your anecdotes is quite frankly chillingly familiar to me. Arguing with him was impossible and honestly felt like a mindfuck. He’d get mad if I got emotional and he’d get mad if I remained calm. He would tell me my feelings were wrong and stupid and I was a bad person for having them. I got really good at reading his mind and shrinking my needs down into a tiny little atom that didn’t really exist. I didn’t even realize that the shit treatment I got from my ex was abusive until I escaped that relationship. The website loveisrespect.org was a helpful resource for me.

      1. Former Silent Treatment User*

        Arguing with him was impossible and honestly felt like a mindfuck. He’d get mad if I got emotional and he’d get mad if I remained calm. He would tell me my feelings were wrong and stupid and I was a bad person for having them.

        This is why I would shut down. If I tried to have an adult conversation I was lectured/gaslighted. So I would stop talking to try to minimize the opportunity for him to pick apart whatever I said – because whatever I said was never the right thing. Then, of course, me not speaking would make him mad, too. I couldn’t win; and I didn’t realize it was emotionally abusive until after it was over.

        1. MrSpO*

          Oh.
          You’ve just described my upbringing and my coping strategy from ages eight to twenty.
          Thank you for putting words to it and actually calling it abuse because it’s been hard for me to see it as such – even though I vowed to never treat my own kid that way, which means I theoretically knew it was wrong.

    11. 653-CXK*

      My mother used the silent treatment often and frequently when my dad said/did something that she did not like, or would get into arguments. Even though they loved each other until the day he passed away in 2005, those two to three days of the silent treatment were tense days.

      You made an innocent joke that didn’t go over well, and for your failure to connect, he got his pants in a twist and shut you out emotionally. I don’t know what the context of what you said was, and it wasn’t likely a mean thing you said, but you had said it to me (I am male), I would have laughed it off. E.g. “You know, you should cut your hair…you’re beginning to look like a llama.” “Wait until I tell my barber about what you said.” Or, said “That’s an odd thing to say…do all llamas look like me?”

      In the other comments upstream, I agree with them 100%. The silent treatment is an emotional weapon to control others, and it should never, ever be used. I think you seriously need to evaluate your marriage and whether there are larger problems that you and your husband must address.

    12. Hello, it's me*

      This is the kind of thing a toddler would do, if a toddler were *capable* of being quiet. It’s ridiculously immature, unproductive and cruel. I would bet those stellar qualities are part of who he is in other ways, also. If you’re so inclined, yeah, try talking about it with him. Or counseling. If neither of those options work, ask yourself if you really want to live this way.

    13. Former Silent Treatment User*

      I offer a different opinion – as someone who used to give silent treatments in a previous (I now realize emotionally abusive) relationship.

      Not saying you “deserved” it — but was the joke/comment about something that you know is a touchy subject? Has he told you before he doesn’t think joking about that is funny? How did you say it? After you realized he was going into that mode, did you keep asking him about it?
      Does he yell at you? Maybe the silent treatment is his way of trying not to say hurtful things to you?

      Regardless, when I used to go into silent treatment it was because I was tired of arguing/getting yelled at. I would try to have a conversation with ex- and he would twist whatever I said around to try to gaslight me, or tell me what I said was wrong, that I wasn’t listening. I grew up in a household where my parents never fought in front of me, there wasn’t a lot of screaming/yelling, and I don’t like conflict so when he would fight/yell at to me it felt safest for me to shut down. If I didn’t say anything, then I couldn’t say anything that could be misunderstood, or say the “wrong” thing.

      I’m not saying you deserve it, I just wanted to offer a counterpoint.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m sorry for your experience, but the counterpoint you describe 100% does not match the scenario as described and telling someone being mistreated that maybe he’s doing it because you were mean to him is super not ok.

        1. Former Silent Treatment User*

          I never wrote that he was doing it because OP was mean to him. In fact, I never used the mean anywhere in my post, or blamed OP; and I also never said it was okay.

          1. Not A Manager*

            I’m sorry, maybe you don’t realize how both-sides, victim-blaming you come across.

            “But was the joke/comment about something that you know is a touchy subject? Has he told you before he doesn’t think joking about that is funny? How did you say it? After you realized he was going into that mode, did you keep asking him about it?
            Does he yell at you? Maybe the silent treatment is his way of trying not to say hurtful things to you?”

            That is exactly asking the OP to consider (again! more!) how she might be responsible (ie take the blame) for his reactions.

            “I’m not saying you deserve it, I just wanted to offer a counterpoint.”

            What is the counterpoint, exactly? I’m not saying you deserved it, but maybe you caused it?

            1. Former Silent Treatment User*

              The OP is not responsible for how he chose to react. People are responsible for their own actions & reactions. I explained the counterpoint in the third paragraph of my initial post.

              1. Observer*

                Not really. Because all of your questions were actually answered in the original post.

                And *also* even if the LW had been doing what you suggested, the response is still not functional or appropriate. Which means that it does not really matter *what* the LW does. Because their partner is just going to refuse to behave like a reasonable person.

                Keep in mind that this is not just “silent treatment”, which is bad enough. It’s refusing to do basic communications in a context where it’s clear that he *could* communicate the necessary information but *chose* not to (ie that he doesn’t want to continue with their trip) *and* dumping this on others who have zero to do with the situation (ie behaving in a way that leaves the wait staff nervous.)

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            You are absolutely blaming the OP. You specifically suggest that perhaps OP made a joke knowing that their partner would be bothered by it, and that maybe they then continued to poke at the partner about it until the partner was forced to give a silent treatment in self defense – none of which is even remotely supported in the description of the situation or the follow-up comments. Again, I’m very sorry you had your own terrible experiences – but you are absolutely victim-blaming and you need to stop what-abouting OP’s abuser.

      2. The Silent Treatment*

        Hi there. Neither of us yells in fights. After I apologized, I let there be only silence for about 5 mins until the train was approaching. I get what you’re saying—and I don’t feel blamed—but his immediate go-to is shutting down completely. If I brought this up in a peace time, he’d literally walk away.

        2. Emotional abuse is never ok*

          If I’m following you – in real time during an argument he shuts down and gives you the silent treatment. And then if you try and discuss this at a different day/time he walks away from you and refuses to discuss his behaviour? Please know you are worth more than being treated like this.

          1. Double A*

            In a healthy relationship, you talk in periods of calm to explain behaviors you might engage in during periods of upset when you can’t articulate yourself. It’s one thing to go silent and leave in the middle of an argument; it’s quite another to refuse to engage in conversation about that when things are calm.

            For example, a calm conversation might look like, “When I’m upset, I might need to walk away because if I feel cornered I’ll yell, and I don’t want to do that to you. I will try to say, ‘I need some space,’ but please give me a least 10 minutes.”

            The fact that he refuses to talk about this (probably because “it’s over, why rehash the past, right?) and also doesn’t change his behavior is what makes this abusive. He’s choosing in advance that he will continue to hurt you next time conflict happens.

    14. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Dear TST, my heart goes out to you. None of us is perfect, but your partner is deeply flawed to give you his version of the silent treatment. No-one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you – it’s insulting and degrading and dehumanizing to you. He is indulging himself in a giant punitive sulk over something trivial, he wants you to feel awful and feel guilty, and it seems he does this pretty often. You have the right to be angry over being treated like this and to see how unacceptable it is, and to think about what it says about him and your relationship as a whole.

      I echo the other good advice you’ve received to look for individual counseling to help you figure things out.

    15. Samwise*

      No one deserves the silent treatment. It’s abusive. Your partner is abusing you.

      Hugs to you.

    16. Kay*

      This is an extremely unhealthy relationship. The abuse might not be physical, but it is still abuse. It is also a bit heartbreaking to read all this with you asking if you deserved this. Of course you don’t. I hope you find some support for yourself so you can see what the rest of us do, someone who has figured out how to survive an abusive relationship and needs to get out.

    18. Anon for this*

      My partner needs time to process some things. He can also get somewhat depressed and do what I describe as “going into his hole”, where it’s dark and silent and he chews on things for a long time. These sometimes result in a pretty quiet house but he’s not doing it AT me. He’s working through things in his mind and I don’t get scary chilly or approaching-violence vibes. This person is doing it AT YOU, repeatedly.

      I’m a feelings talker, my partner is not. He can talk it through if I give him some lead time and specifics so he can be prepared. We sorted that out early on and now we can each be clear to be kind: “I need to talk this through and I need you to listen and hear me out.” “I need some time to think about this, then we can talk some more.”

      I also told him I need direct acknowledgement so he can’t just sit in silence, listening. (He has a slight hearing disability and I wouldn’t be sure he truly heard what I said otherwise.)

      I’m glad I figured this out early enough in our relationship of over 18 years now. I’m also glad that he’s the kind of person who said early on, “Tell me what you need” and then he listens to the answer and remembers to do that.

      To me the weaponizing of the silence and ignoring your feelings are both exit signs. Frankly, he sounds awful. I’d hate to be at a social event where he treated you like this.

      Please come back later and tell us how things are going for you. We care.

  44. A313*

    The silent treatment is never appropriate. It’s fine to say, I can’t talk about it yet, but I will after I’ve given it some thought/cooled down, etc., but the silent treatment is very passive aggressive and solves nothing. And now, not surprisingly, you’re at the point where it’s not unexpected or even affects you much. Marriage counseling might be helpful, or solo counseling for each of you. If he won’t go, then you should, to help frame your marriage and its issues for you clearly. This is tough, so I am sorry you’re having to deal with it.

    1. The Silent Treatment*

      Thank you so much. It’s hard to know what’s okay when things are toxic.

      1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

        Basically when things are toxic, that really does screw up your own perceptions. All your energy is going into emotional survival, to keep yourself alive in an unsafe, uncertain environment. Individual counselling just for you – your partner’s cruelty is not okay, it is harming you. Best wishes to you, I am glad you chose to do a ‘reality check’ here!

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        “It’s hard to know what’s okay when things are toxic.”

        From this sentence, it sounds to me like the silent treatment you describe is just one of many symptoms, and whether or not you feel a particular instance of something is okay, you know the entire situation is Not Okay. That’s crucial information—very good to recognize when it’s the case—and I hope you are able to hold that information at the forefront to take whatever action(s) needed to get to a safer, non-toxic place.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      Yeah, this. Appropriate behaviours would have been more “I’m not okay but I will be”, or “I love you but I just need me time for a bit”, or “I really don’t feel like the restaurant now, but can we do it another night?”. Basically, something to politely excuse yourself without making the other person frantic with worry.

    3. Emily Byrd Starr*

      And it’s important to say, “I need some time to cool down” so that your partner doesn’t think you’re giving them the silent treatment.

  45. Bluebell Brenham*

    For those of you who commented on hamentashen last week— The Martian Contingency by Mary Robinette Kowal has hamentashen and telling the story of Purim in it! There is one weird part with a Hebrew phrase that is typeset wrong, but hopefully that will be corrected in future editions. Overall, it was a great addition to the series.

  46. Cindy the SKULL*

    I’m looking for some advice on how to approach a conversation with my parents. To make a long story short, they are upset that I’m not emotionally close and receptive to them. I’m trying to figure out how to explain the reasons for that in a way that doesn’t blame them.

    When I was a child, my bids for connection were usually turned down. In hindsight, I often wanted attention at inconvenient times, and I take responsibility for that–as an adult I can understand why that was frustrating. But even when my parents were not busy, they often responded to me with disinterest (mom), dismissal (both), and mockery (dad).

    Because this hurt my feelings, I emotionally withdrew from them at a young age, not having any concept of better ways to protect myself emotionally. I retreated inside myself because that was the behavior modeled to me. My mother would then become anxious and attempt to force me to spend quality time with my father; this only went “well” if I walked on eggshells to avoid his temper and also concealed my own interests and opinions. These interactions would leave them feeling better but me worse because I felt terribly tense for several hours. Even as an adult in my late thirties my nervous system reacts to my father’s proximity as though I’ve been locked in a room with a tiger.

    I left home at eighteen, which was a surprise to them–again, this is on me for not communicating with them, but I could not tolerate the constant tension and was afraid to deal with the hurt they would feel about it. Since then they have interpreted my adult choices about moving, jobs, name changes, gender expression as a deliberate rejection of them and their values rather than reasoned choices driven by practical considerations about my own contentment.

    I sympathize with the fact that they are perpetually confused and bewildered that I don’t enjoy and seek out their company or share their worldview. I’m struggling to articulate the reasons without saying it’s their fault, which will just blow things up worse.

    So my question is, how do you tell your parents that their behavior is why you don’t want to interact with them in a gentle and nonjudgmental way? What’s the kindest way I can say this?

    1. Rick Tq*

      Your parents may want an explanation but they have no right to one, nor can they force you to engage with them, you are an independent adult.

      You aren’t under any obligation to explain why you are distant to the people who pushed you away and reject who you are today. You don’t have to visit them, you don’t have to answer their phone calls or emails, and you DON’T have to open the door if they arrive on your doorstep. You have no responsibility to manage their feelings.

      They aren’t worthy of your sympathy.

      The best response to them is probably silence on all fronts.

    2. Alex*

      This description feels very similar to my relationship with my mom.

      It seems that what you want is an explanation you can give them so that they will understand, but also *accept* the way things are. But this outcome is highly unlikely regardless of any magic words you could find to tell them. When they ask “why,” what they are really saying is “we want this to be different but we are putting it on you to change it.”

      You can’t rewind time, and go back to being the kid trying to form a connection with them. Things are what they are, and givng them an explanation, no matter how sugar coated, isn’t going to satisfy them.

      This is similar to one person trying to break up with another person, and that person demanding a “reason.” The reason isn’t what they want–they want a different outcome. There isn’t a reason that is going to make them think, “Ah, well, ok then I’m fine with it,” if breaking up isn’t a thing that they want.

      Some ways to respond to them asking, “why”:
      “Because this works for me and I think it is best.”
      “This makes me happy.”
      “That’s just how I feel.”

      I’m sorry that you are in this situation and I really feel you. I struggled with it for a long time as well.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I’m reminded that people commenting on dysfunctional families talk about “the missing reasons” when the parents talk about their estrangement. That’s because even if the parents are given the reasons, they can’t hear/accept them anyway. So I do think OP should release this expectation or guilt that they haven’t really explained the situation. You could say, “mom, dad, I just have never felt that you liked me or were interested in me my whole life and that makes me not want to be around you ever” and they would still say, “I just don’t know why OP is being like this.”

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      I think what you’re really looking for is the magical sequence of words that will make them not only understand, but also agree, that this is what you needed then and continue to need now, and accept that you’ll always be distant from them, without them finding that the least bit upsetting. The sooner you understand and accept that this magical sequence of words does not exist, the better off you will be. They will definitely be upset if you say anything that clarifies why you avoid them – but based on what you’ve written here, *you* will definitely be upset and anxious if you don’t. Maybe some therapy could help you unpack some of this, and figure out whether, and if so how, to have that conversation with them, and how to stop feeling responsible for managing their emotions in either case.

      I highly recommend what Captain Awkward has to say about going low- or no-contact with family, and about how “reasons are for reasonable people.” All the best.

      1. Cindy the SKULL*

        My therapist actually told me that he feels I’m not sufficiently sympathetic to the way my emotional rejection is obviously triggering to my parents.

        I’m not interested in trying to get them to understand my position, which I know is impossible. It’s more like, I want to respond as evenly and non-aggressively as possible to make absolutely sure I clear the reasonable-person standard of having behaved correctly. Like, you know how when someone posts online for advice, the comments tend to be like “oh yeah it’s awful that your ex has been secretly filming your interactions for social media, but you shouldn’t have yelled?” I want to behave in a way that excises the “buts” from any postmortem of the situation.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          This feels like it might be an “I need a different therapist” moment.

          I assume you’re delivering the message in a kind and caring voice that provides the message that you’d like them to be okay, and that choice is up to them and how they handle what you’re saying. You’re sitting or standing in positions that don’t create barriers or signal distance or rejection. Tone and posture can do a lot here in that 90% nonverbal communication delivery.

          Then you say some of the good phrases others shared that aren’t an invitation to debate you on reasons and are just “[shrug] This is the way I am. I hope you can accept me and love me as your child and that’s all I have to say on that topic. Let’s talk about what’s for dinner/how about them Mets/I just read this great book I think you’d like/filler content to change topic.”

          My mom used to use a line at the door for religious proselytizers that comes to mind: “I respect your right to your beliefs and of course you respect my right to mine”, said nodding and smiling. Since humans often fall into mimicking behaviors they’d find themselves nodding and implicitly agreeing with her. Then she said, “Now I need to get back to what I was doing. Goodbye.” and closed the door.

          I wonder how “I respect your right to your feelings and of course you respect my right to mine” would land here. (The rest of Mom’s lines are optional here depending on context.)

          Good luck with a terribly tough situation.

        2. Observer*

          My therapist actually told me that he feels I’m not sufficiently sympathetic to the way my emotional rejection is obviously triggering to my parents.

          It sounds like it’s time for a new therapist.

          I want to behave in a way that excises the “buts” from any postmortem of the situation.

          Not possible. I mean, look at the example you just gave. The “but” there is soooo out of line that I don’t think it is possible for anyone to have reacted in a way that would meet the approval of the person who throws in that caveat. And *certainly* not possible in context of reacting in a way to protect oneself.

        3. Indolent Libertine*

          I think your therapist is… I’ve written and erased multiple things here and I’m just gonna leave it at ”not capable of helping or supporting you on this topic.” I find that an utterly bewildering response from them.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hi Cindy the SKULL – I think you have caught yourself in a logical loop – you want to find a way to explain why you are not emotionally close to them, while not blaming them for teaching you to not be emotionally close to them. They ARE to blame – that’s how they parented you.
      Obviously I don’t know your parents, but you don’t mention them having gradually developed insight into their parenting style and its impact on you, and them wanting to treat you differently now. What would you have to be doing, to meet their requirements of emotional closeness now? You can feel some sympathy for them, in yourself, without thinking you must find a way to explain it to them so they will be reassured and happy that they were great parents etc.
      Have you read any of Captain Awkward’s stuff? She has written a lot on family estrangement, dealing with other people’s needs etc, I think you would find a lot of value in her archives. (Captain awkward dot com)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This is 1000% it. THEY ARE TO BLAME. They don’t want to hear that, but that doesn’t change the truth.

    5. ThatGirl*

      Thing is, I read you taking a lot of responsibility and blame for things that happened when you were a child. Your parents could have handled things differently. Your bids for attention were just that -and when you learned you weren’t going to get any, you stopped. That’s just a consequence of their actions. You don’t need to apologize for that.

      There is no magic sequence of words that will make them understand and make this all ok. They’re never going to have been the parents you deserved. Honestly, I think some counseling could be good for you to help you figure out what kind of relationship is even possible with your parents going forward.

      1. Cindy the SKULL*

        My therapist feels that I haven’t taken sufficient responsibility for how my emotional withdrawal triggers my parents, causing them to lash out. The opinion he’s shared with me is that he feels we have all consistently behaved poorly in the context of our family relationship, and while my parents wielded more power as adults, I still need to be accountable for my hurtful actions.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Your therapist sucks. Children are not responsible for their parents’ reactions, especially when it’s something your parents ingrained in you.

          1. Parents are responsible, kids are not*

            I wrote a much longer comment to this effect that’s in moderation, this one is better. Seconding.

        2. Pocket Mouse*

          I think you need a different therapist. If you’ve told them what you described in a comment below (breaking lamps, not allowed to disagree in the *present day*) and has that opinion… yikes. Please at least try out another therapist.

        3. Ellis Bell*

          This is terrible advice. Children have to be guided and supported in their relationship decisions, (and in their self worth!) by their parents. Your parents trying to dismiss this responsibility until they themselves needed soothing was a complete dereliction, and a form of parentification. It’s true they may not have had their own parental guidance, and were doing all they knew how to do, but they still let you down. You can certainly try to reset your relationship with them as an adult, but none of what has happened in the past was your fault.

        4. The Silent Treatment*

          Holy buckets get a new therapist. You can acknowledge that your actions resulted in immaturity for them but it is not your responsibility. A kid has no such responsibilities and neither does an 18 year old. I’m m horrified a therapist would tell you to take responsibility for the actions of the only two people capable of unconditional love,

        5. Parents are responsible, kids are not*

          Yes, please, get a new therapist. What hits me so hard about your first post is that you keep saying you should have done things differently…AS A KID. I am the daughter of an emotionally immature adult (and one adult who *isn’t* emotionally immature, which is how I know this). It is NEVER on the kid to make the relationship better.

          I also have a six year old child who can be… difficult. Lots of neurodivergence in our family (myself included), lots of big feelings, lots of hurtful actions and words can happen on the kid’s part during meltdowns. And I have never once expected the kid to be different. Would it be nice if they magically became an adult with an adult’s sense of empathy and understanding for what’s hard for me? Sure! But you don’t effing have a kid because you want to have an adult. It’s the parents’ responsibility to raise that kid and help them become that adult. There’s no shortcut. Any parent who blames their child for relationship difficulties is completely missing the point of parenting.

          OP, please, please get a new therapist. One who will help you to unpack all of the absolutely unwarranted guilt and help you make peace with the reality of the situation with your parents. And one who will not encourage you to blame yourself for your parents’ Big Feelings. That’s their job, full stop. Not yours.

    6. allathian*

      There’s no way you can say this that they’ll accept. I’m sorry.

      Do what you need to do to protect your mental health, even if that means never talking to them again.

    8. Conversation values*

      Do they really want to know why? Like, actually listen to your answer and try to understand? Because the time my parents asked me a why question similar to this, they didn’t actually want the answer in order to understand. They wanted the answer in order to argue with me. They wanted me to admit, through their “logical” arguments against my reasons, that I was wrong and do what they wanted, not what was healthy for me (and ENTIRELY my perogative, by the way). And when I didn’t, they accused me of lying and all sorts of nasty things and laid on the guilt real thick.

      I think there can be value in actually answering the question honestly, even if you know they arent actually open to hearing you. But that value is for YOU: you can say you have said it, you can know you have tried everything, you can refer to that conversation in the future in short hand instead of having to be delicately diplomatic to avoid the truth or an argument. The value cannot be based on any particular outcome with them because you cannt control their part of it.

      In the process of the above process, I had a few free therapy hours and they made a WORLD of difference to me. I cannot recommend that highly enough.

    9. Morning Reader*

      Respectfully, I am curious about how or why you want to be “emotionally close” to your parents, or cut off contact with them if you are not.
      What you describe does not seem like reason for estrangement to me. No abuse, no neglect, you were fed and housed as a child and left home at the usual age of 18. Sounds like your parents were not the greatest at parenting. But it also sounds like your expectations are well, not extreme, but perhaps based on some hallmark movie version of happy families. Could you perhaps evaluate what it is you are looking for?
      Truth is many of us are not “emotionally close” with our parents. There is no requirement that you should be. (Looking back, I think the only times I would describe my relationship with my mom like that, was during my preschool years, and 50 years later while she was dying.) The ancient injunction is to “honor” your parents. Nothing about love or “emotional closeness.” Nothing wrong with wanting that. But you are talking about cutting off your parents because of it and that seems excessive unless they are unsafe for you.
      I’m sorry if you were hurt by it growing up. Something to deal with in therapy. I would suggest backing off your expectations of a better quality relationship with them. I don’t understand how telling them you are cutting them off would help the relationship more. It would effectively end it. My suggestion is to find the level of contact you can manage, and enforce boundaries to that level. Maybe now, in your youth, estrangement sounds appealing. Is it going to be a comfortable arrangement when your parents are old, infirm, dying? When you get that next of kin notification and haven’t seen them in 40 years?
      How about dialing back to monthly or annual phone calls. Minimal visits. If they complain about “emotional closeness” or you not meeting their expectations re jobs, names, identity, shut the conversation down. “Mom, you know we have different perspectives on that and I’m not going to discuss it.” “Dad, my name is …”
      I have sympathy for you but I am having trouble seeing anything particularly unusual in your story. Not close to parents, don’t hold same values, left home at 18… we used to call that the generation gap.
      I recommend better boundaries, examine expectations, but rethink estrangement. Maybe it’s old fashioned but I believe people have a duty of care toward the parents who raised them, unless there was/is abuse that makes it unsafe. You don’t say anything about that, just that you don’t particularly like them. Oh well. Unless you want your next interaction to be when you’re writing their eulogy, don’t cut off contact.
      TL:dr: there is no way to say this with kindness and no particular reason to (that you’ve said here anyway.) Don’t do it.

      1. Cindy the SKULL*

        Not sure this will go through, my other replies are getting stuck in moderation. We are already at low contact (monthly emails, phone calls on holidays, visits years apart); my mother is pushing for more. I am not looking to cut them off fully but to put an end to discussion of why we aren’t closer.

        Having already detailed why I don’t really have emotional openness with them, the two major reasons I don’t enjoy contact with them are:
        1. From age 5 onwards they have framed every interaction I have outside the nuclear family through a lens of what I can only describe as extreme sexual antagonism. I cannot mention a man’s name without being told to be careful because he’s only trying to get in my pants (starting in grade school when I asked permission to watch a cartoon recommended by a playground friend, continuing into the present where I cannot mention my boss without them accusing him of plotting sexual misconduct). If I talk about a woman they warn me about how she will gossip about me, make fun of me, or somehow use me for social clout. My parents have never met most of the people they made these accusations about. The only people I recall being exempted from this treatment was one female neighbor my mother liked and my third-grade teacher. (I also wasn’t allowed to see friends outside of school unless my parents had met theirs, which would be a normal boundary to set except for the way my parents refused to interact with or acknowledge my friends’ parents to establish the necessary trust, to the point of giving my friend’s mother the cut direct at back to school night. By refusing contact they thus kept me isolated when outside school.) After interactions with other people they would insist to me that no one outside the nuclear family unit can be trusted. In general they tried very hard to make me fear other people.
        2. When they are talking I am not allowed to respond, disagree, attempt to change the subject, or excuse myself from the room. Yes, even as an adult. This would be less intolerable were they not recently converted to flat earth theory, homoeopathic medicine, drawing salve, and the virtues of red light therapy, all of which they are trying to convince me of the merits of. Attempting to get out of these conversations causes them to accuse me of disrespect, yell, sulk, etc. My father does not hit me or break my things, but he will shout and break communal property such as lamps in my vicinity.

        I’m aware that none of this behavior rises to the level of abuse, but it’s deeply unpleasant to be exposed to, and has intensified as I’ve aged, possibly as a response to their reduced control over me. In general, I feel that they still demand that I defer to them as authorities rather than interacting as adult peers.

          1. Texan in Exile*

            “My father does not hit me or break my things, but he will shout and break communal property such as lamps in my vicinity.”

            I call that a lot abusive and I don’t see any reason for you to hang out with them. They are being horrible to you and you do not deserve this.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            A LOT abusive.

            Not to put too fine a point on it, Cindy: They sound horrible, and getting to a worse form of horrible. They’ve used you for years as a channel for their aggressions, and want to continue to do so.

            To quote some of the best advice I ever read (from the Tomato Nation website;)

            *Never put the desire to please crazy people ahead of your own well being and self interest.*

        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Oof, that really seems like there are almost no safe topics of conversation (I got to that point with my Dad, even though the reasons were different). I’ll just echo others and say 1) you probably can’t say anything that will make them accept or understand it, 2) you are allowed to have your boundaries for communication and how you are treated, and it does take work to keep them strong, 3) recommend Captain Awkward, 4) even if it has been this way for a long time, there could definitely be part of you that is grieving that you couldn’t and can’t have the relationship you would want to with your parents, and you should give yourself space to feel and process that – maybe grief isn’t the word that resonates with you but something to make space for.

        3. Tea Monk*

          Wow when you said not close, I thought you meant like me and my dad where he gives a little too much advice not this dynamic. I’m an online person so I’m all don’t even hang around with them.

        4. Observer*

          When they are talking I am not allowed to respond, disagree, attempt to change the subject, or excuse myself from the room

          … Snip …

          Attempting to get out of these conversations causes them to accuse me of disrespect, yell, sulk, etc. My father does not hit me or break my things, but he will shout and break communal property such as lamps in my vicinity.

          And your therapist is telling you that *you* are “causing” them to lash out?! That *you* need to “take responsibility”?!?! That sounds like flaming malpractice to me. Are they also seeing this therapist?

          Find a new therapist *immediately*. There is simply *no* behavior on your part – even stuff that were totally inappropriate – which would excuse *breaking stuff* (outside of an emergency)! Claiming that you “own” some of this would be absurd if we were talking about some comedy noir. But this is real life, and in real life it’s just outrageous.

    10. WellRed*

      Please stop blaming yourself for the actions of two adults who fell down on the job as parents.

    11. Neither Here Nor There*

      > In hindsight, I often wanted attention at inconvenient times, and I take responsibility for that…

      No, no, no, please don’t do that. You were a child! If you look at children with an adult’s eye, yes—they’re immature, ignorant, rude, and terrible with social norms and boundaries. Because they’re children! Parents are supposed to teach them these things, not snub their five-year-olds. Don’t feel shame for having existed.

      I also went low-contact with my parents. I get it. I wish they would understand why I feel the way I do. I wish there was a world where they could apologize, or even just accept how their actions created this situation. It will never happen.

      For me, I had to realize I would never get them to talk about the past. All I could do is focus on the future. They don’t remember the things that traumatized me. They don’t think anything was a big deal. Okay. Fine. If I am going to keep talking to them, what would make this a tolerable adult-to-adult relationship? Now that I can hang up, I won’t put up with having my heartfelt beliefs be ridiculed and I won’t tiptoe around my father’s temper. Those problems are rooted in my childhood, yes, but they are also boundaries for now. If they ask why we’re talking less, it’s because of this boundary now. They did it when I called last month, and I’m going to hang up if they do it this time, too.

      To me, these are the next in a long line of things I’ve dealt with for 40 years, but to them, the boundaries are “new.” Do they think I’m being harsh and unfair? Yes. But do they have a clear playbook of things they have to stop doing today, right now if they want to talk to me more? Yes. “I want you to accept what you did to me as a child” will never fly, but they have a much harder time arguing about what they did a five minutes ago.

      If they had enough capacity for self-reflection, they would have thought about this when you were 18.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Maybe you should go ahead and blame them? For what they did?

      Because they did treat you badly, and trained you to retreat rather than stick around to be yelled at, dismissed, and mocked. If they don’t like the result, well, they can start with an apology and some counseling to learn how to cope with the results of their actions. I get wanting to be a kind person, but they seem to react to kindness by treating you badly, deliberately.

      There’s a reason “as you soweth, so shall you reap” is a four thousand year old saying that has lost not one scrap of relevance today.

    13. Emma*

      As a parent, reading through your explanation of your childhood is heartbreaking. As a parent, my kids often interrupt me at inconvenient times. It’s what kids do! It’s a parent’s job to not respond with disinterest, mockery, etc. And if we do (because we’re human), then it’s our job to fix it and apologize to the kid, and figure out how to reduce it in the future.

      As a kid, it was not your job to not be annoying. The whole process of being a kid is that you’re learning how to be a human. Mistakes are an expected part of the process.

      It’s also ok that you didn’t explain yourself in detail when you left at 18. You were protecting yourself.

      You have done nothing wrong.

      As for now, you could try saying something like “I had a hard time growing up, and there were a lot of times i needed things from you that you weren’t able to give me, so I just don’t want to be close now.” But I would anticipate that, whatever you say, they still won’t understand. The Captain Awkward website has a lot of scripts for similar situations, so that might be a place to browse.

      If you haven’t done therapy for yourself, and are able to, I’d suggest that. I’m so sorry that your parents weren’t good parents.

      1. Emma*

        And I just saw that you have a therapist – the stuff that they’re telling you about how some of the stuff that you did as a kid was your responsibility is wrong.

        I agree with the other commenters – please try a new therapist. The psychology today website has a good therapy database.

    14. Ellis Bell*

      Have you read much Captain Awkward? She has great advice on staying low contact, even with boundary pushers. Do NOT give them any of your reasons; it will just turn into an argument. Reasons are for reasonable people. Simply stick to only contacting them when they behave well enough to make you actually want contact. If you’re getting push back and being made to feel like a bad child, pull back on contact until they become civil again. “Well, this didn’t go well, maybe we should take a break for a while”.

    15. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Very similar to my upbringing, but I had some physical abuse thrown in.
      Ultimately, they want all the benefits of having adult children supporting them in their old age, but have not put in the work of having that relationship with their children. Those relationships don’t just HAPPEN out of thin air. And your parents are not at all entitled to a close relationship.
      There’s no way to explain the situation to them without explaining how their actions impacted you. That’s not blame, that’s just history. It sounds like they’re framing it as being all your fault, and you’re wanting to point out that it isn’t ALL your fault, but you are afraid to say it.
      What is your goal with this conversation? Why do you want to talk about it? What outcome are you hoping for?
      Maybe delve into why you’re so afraid to point out their responsibility for how they acted as parents.
      And remember, it’s okay to disappoint your parents. This is especially true if your parents have very narrow parameters for your life as an adult. (i.e. you MUST follow this religion and marry someone we approve of and be a lawyer like your father.) Their disappointment is theirs to deal with, you do not need to solve it.

    16. Observer*

      again, this is on me for not communicating with them,

      Before trying to communicate with your parents you need some therapy, imo. Because none of this is “on you”! You were a *child*! Even at 18 and able to move out on your own, you were the most powerless person in the dynamic and the one who would have been expected to be the least mature and have the fewest tools to communicate your needs!

      Add to that the kind of behavior you describe, that does *well* beyond “not responding well to difficult requests” and I simply do not see how you could have been expected to become close to them. And, although I have not read the responses yet, I’d be willing to be that a lot of people are going to say that your parents were abusive or at least neglectful. And while I cannot say that I unequivocally agree with them, and *also* cannot say that I disagree with them. Because there is a LOT there.

      If you feel like you must say something *now* I would stick to “there simply was nothing in my childhood that really enabled me to be close to you.” And then refuse to engage. Find a reason you need to get off the phone, leave the house, leave the place you’re meeting at, etc.

    17. Therese*

      Probably not the answer you want, but the one I’m going to give:

      Have you forgiven your parents? Do you want to? If the answer to these is both no, there’s not much conversation to have here. Parents hurt their kids. Kids grow up and hurt their parents. We’re all terribly broken humans and though parents SHOULD know how to do better, they often don’t. What you’re describing is sad, and painful, but also very typical, especially of an earlier generation that didn’t always have great parenting modeled to them, either. If you’re willing to forgive and build a new relationship, you can start there. If not, no amount of explanation in the world will “fix” this.

      If you have no interest in forgiveness, then there’s no productive conversation that can happen here. There’s no amount of gentleness or kindness in any combination of words that can tear open this wound and heal it.

      1. Observer*

        What you’re describing is sad, and painful, but also very typical, especially of an earlier generation that didn’t always have great parenting modeled to them, either.

        Baloney. That’s harsh but true. And that’s before you get to all of the additional detail that the OP adds within the thread.

        Given the additional details – including the fact that the parents here STILL do *abusive* garbage such as literally breaking stuff if @Cindy dares to disagree with them – this is NOT about “people who don’t quite get it.”

    18. Indolent Libertine*

      Oh my dear Cindy the SKULL, I have just read all your replies in this thread and I’m appalled. Your therapist STINKS and you need someone else, and in my outsider’s opinion you should not even think of apologizing for anything to your parents nor contemplate increasing their access to you. Jedi hugs to you if those are welcome, this Internet stranger wishes you peace and all the good things.

  47. Roy G. Biv*

    Is anyone else car shopping out of necessity right now, but also with the thought of getting it done soon in case prices go up? I would like a crossover, but it must fit in the garage, so I’ve been studying the Car and Driver list for 2025. Thoughts or recommendations re: Chevy Trax, Mazda CX-5, or similar size/price point.

    1. Goldfeesh*

      A friend has a Chevy Trax and it’s been giving her a lot of trouble with recall issues. She’s only had it four years or so.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My parents both have Encores that they love. They’re about the same size as my CR-V on the outside, but both objectively in terms of loading cargo/luggage and subjectively having ridden in their backseat, the Encore feels dramatically smaller on the inside. My dad struggles to get his golf clubs into his trunk if it isn’t otherwise completely empty, and we couldn’t fit three carry-on sized suitcases into their trunk for an airport run – one had to go into the backseat.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Mazda CX-50 I think it’s a bit prettier than CX-5 while being similar in size, price, and equipment, although that is purely subjective opinion on my part.
      Honda CRV and Toyota RAV4 are the common suggestions, similar in size.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I was sandwiched in a CR-V a few years back when a texting teenager speeding at least 55mph didn’t notice he was approaching a line of traffic stopped at a light and plowed into my tailgate without even tapping his brakes, which then smashed me into the duallie pickup truck in front of me. The car was totaled from either end, let alone both ends, and the responding officer assumed I would be severely injured and need ambulancing to a trauma hospital – but grace of god and structure of Honda, I walked away with a hairline fracture of one single rib and no other injuries. I replaced it within a week with another CR-V and have been very happy with all my CR-V experiences over the last cumulative nine years.

      1. A Reader*

        How does it handle up to 10″ of snow on slopes/hills? I am looking for a replacement for a Jeep Grand Cherokee and have a sibling who likes the CR-V’s winter weather capability.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Honestly if there’s that much snow I stay home out of personal preference, haha. I think the most I’ve tried is probably six inches in an AWD, and had no issues with it. My current one is not AWD, so I’m a little more cautious, even aside from my general aversion to snow.

    5. Flash*

      Consumer Reports does great car reviews and may be available as a service of your library- do recommend checking them out.

    6. litprof*

      I have a 2025 Mazda CX-5 (got it in October 2024) and I love it! It is comfortable and stylish, and it is the right size for someone who wants to be able to transport a good amount of people/things, but doesn’t really want a large car. If you want something smaller (a true crossover instead of a small SUV), I recommend the Mazda CX-30 or the Subaru Crosstrek. Both are smaller than the CX-5, but they still have a decent amount of space, decent MPG, and are comfortable for both drivers and passengers.

  48. Heffalump*

    According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Whitetop, a 27-year-old llama, is officially the world’s oldest ever llama in captivity. He’s a therapy llama at a North Carolina camp for kids with serious medical conditions.

    Billie Jo Davis, barn director for the camp, says, “He loves to be petted and groomed, so we’ll give the kids brushes.” Maybe some of these kids will grow up to be llama groomers?

    https://www.msn.com/en-us/pets-and-animals/pets/therapy-llama-27-named-world-s-oldest-llama-kind-of-like-a-dog/ar-AA1BrDxR

    4. Heffalump*

      Hopefully he’ll live a few more years in good health and won’t end up in the 27 club with Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and Amy Winehouse.

  49. Elizabeth West*

    Y’all, I went to see Trae Crowder — The Liberal Redneck — tonight, downtown. He is so freaking funny!!! His opening act Matt Bergman was good too. I bought a t-shirt and got to meet them both. They were super nice.

    On the way home, I lost the t-shirt at the train station. I put it beside me on the bench while waiting for the bus because it was super windy, and I think I forgot to pick it up when I stood up to get on the bus. D’:

    Anybody ever do anything stupid like this? Make me feel better, please. </3

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      The MBTA does have a Lost and Found. Hope you can track it down. If not, Trae’s merch is available online.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m sure someone took it. Or it blew away. Oh well, if it got snagged, hopefully it helped someone who was cold.

        2. Alex*

          You never know. I have personally retrieved my lost mittens from the MBTA lost and found. It was very important because they had my T pass inside them :)

          It’s worth a call!

    2. RagingADHD*

      I once lost my favorite umbrella twice.

      I had picked up a really nice wooden-handled umbrella at the Met gift shop, that had Klimt’s The Kiss on it. When my dad was in town visiting, I left it behind at his hotel. Fortunately, they kept it at the front desk.

      A week or so later, I took a cab (don’t remember why, that wasn’t usual for me), and about five seconds after I got out and slammed the door, I realized The Kiss was still in the car. The driver had already pulled away and was in traffic, so I just had to watch my lovely umbrella drive away.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I googled and the National Gallery gift shop has one similar to what you described! When’s your birthday?

    4. Turtle Dove*

      Similar story with a lovely silk scarf on Friday. I think it blew out of my purse, and I didn’t notice. Gah! I called and then went in person to the two places I’d been. No luck, but I felt better after trying. I ordered a similar scarf on eBay to help me move on.

        1. Turtle Dove*

          Thanks, Elizabeth. I just remembered that I lost a different silk scarf on the grounds of Versailles almost 20 years ago. I still miss it. Lately I’m into buying more silk scarves at thrift stores. I’ve found some beauties at Kiwanis for under $5. You (I) can never have too many, especially when you (I!) tend to lose them! :)

    5. WellRed*

      Mom left her lightweight winter jacket in a bathroom at Logan airport. I trudged back (quite a walk) to see if it was still there, alas it was not and hadn’t been turned in to lost and found either.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        :'(
        I haven’t been through Logan yet. I’m not flying anywhere right now (!!!!). My boss wanted me to come to the Philly office and meet people — there is a train, but it takes six hours. I can also take a train to St. Louis, but that’s a day and a half one way.

        Why did we never set up high-speed rail? Ugh.

    6. Clara Bowe*

      I left two whole bottles of wine on the train once. Guess the universe decided someone else needed it more than me!

    7. Makare*

      I once spent an entire afternoon and evening baking and decorating Christmas cookies with friends, and at the end of the night I packed my share up in a big container to take home. I didn’t put it in my backpack because the cookies were pretty fragile, so I just carried the container. I got on the bus, put the container on the seat beside me, and started reading my book. When my stop came, I got off the bus—without my cookies. I was so upset and disappointed—and so was my husband, who had been looking forward to trying the cookies I’d been texting him photos of! (He was also upset at the loss of one of our nice glass containers, but at least those could be replaced from Ikea)
      I like to hope that someone found them and enjoyed them, but realistically they probably got thrown away :(

    8. Voluptuousfire*

      Yep. Years ago I went to Finland for a metal festival and had brought with me my favorite Apocalyptica hoodie. It was a really nice hoodie and good quality. I left it on the train to Helsinki and I’m still annoyed about it 15 years later.

    9. Absentminded*

      For your reading entertainment let me list the things I have left on trains when I lived in Tokyo

      – My suitcase while I was on the way to the international airport. Luckily remembered rather quickly and got it from the train master, but then had a harrowing trip to the airport since I missed my express train and was instead relying on local trains.
      – Our SLR camera (I’m going to blame that one on my husband)
      – My gym bag. Didn’t realize it until about 1 week later when I attempted to go to the gym after work. Shows how uncommitted I was to working out
      – My son left a present we had just purchased on the seat next to him

      In my defense I lived there for over 10 years, so this was spread out and hopefully not as bad as it looks. But the best part is I got all of these things back! Even the bag I didn’t notice for a week. There’s a really good chance you’ll get lost items back in Japan …. unless it’s an umbrella. One time at a concert when we were in the nose bleed seats my train pass fell out of my pocket and we didn’t notice until we had left the stadium. Told some security guards as people streamed out of the venue, they went up to our seats and actually found it. Ahhh, I miss living in Tokyo.

    10. Victoria, Please*

      i had a beloved prana jacket that i got at a thrift shop in Wrangell Alaska, that I managed to lose while struggling to board a plane in India. what made me feel better was that it had been made in India and clearly wanted to get home! the universe went to some effort on that one.

    11. My Brain is Exploding*

      I received a pair of eyeglass frames (just frames) from my former eye doctor after we moved away. I looked in the big packing envelope, tried them on, put them back in the envelope (I thought)…and never saw them again! I have left things at the Post Office and other places on occasion, too. Good story, though…one year, when we lived in England, my parents visited us and we took a day trip to France and one of the things we did was visit Vimy Ridge Cemetery. I had a wonderful heavy duty yellow poncho that I lent to my dad and the weather cleared up and he took it off…and left it there. TWO YEARS LATER we were on a short tour that stopped there and on a whim I decided to see if there was a lost and found. There was, and my poncho was in it!

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        And I left a lovely white sweater in a cafe in Vermont once. Went back, not there.

    12. Buni*

      A friend of mine no longer lives in my city but still travels down 3-4 times a year for work things. When she does, she usually stays at mine. I met her Monday after our respective works at a central station, and saw her there with just a coat and rucksack. So I said “Oh, travelling light this time? No suitcase?”

      Her FACE.

      She’d travelled 4.5 hours on the train, had the suitcase with her all day at the office, and then just…left it there. I had to lend her a t-shirt and clean toothbrush for the night…

    13. Rara Avis*

      Left my favorite sweatshirt on an airplane. My father, who had given it to me in the first place, gave me another at the next birthday/holiday.

    14. Lore*

      I lost a tote bag on the subway probably 20 years ago that I still mourn. It was winter and it slid off the shoulder of my puffy coat while I was sitting down and I didn’t realize. I’d spent the night at a friend’s place and the bag had an outfit including a beloved thrift store find, a necklace that a friend had brought me from
      Australia, and a library book I didn’t get to finish AND had to pay for the loss. The MTA lost and found is a lot more organized now than it was then so maybe I’d be able to retrieve now but at the time I failed. I’m still mad about all of it!

    15. Fellow Traveller*

      My Husband and I have a saying, “It’s not a trip until one of us loses something sentimental.” We always leave something behind, it’s like we shed them.

    16. RLC*

      Not me, but some very unfortunate unknown person: years ago whilst inspecting an irrigation dam in a remote location, I spotted someone’s upper denture plate. Just sat on a concrete abutment, and no owner in sight. I’ve sometimes wondered how long it took the owner to realize what they were missing and if they came back to retrieve it.

    17. Forrest Rhodes*

      It’s late and it’s unlikely these will be seen, but I have two good stories:

      1) Maybe the early 1970s, my aunt and uncle from Texas visited my parents in L.A. One beautiful, clear afternoon my folks did the hour-long drive from their home to Griffith Observatory so the visitors could enjoy the beautiful views of the city. Two or three hours later, when they all returned to my parents’ place, my aunt realized that while they were looking through a small telescope outside the observatory building, she’d set her purse down. Yeah, she’d forgotten to pick it up—it, and their airline tickets, her wallet, etc.

      With equal parts hope and dread, my dad insisted on driving back to the observatory. It was a good four-or-so hours after the original visit, but my aunt’s purse was sitting right where she’d placed it, on the ground next to that telescope. The observatory was popular that day, with lots of folks walking back and forth, but no one had touched it.

      We happily told that story for years—every single time my West Coast–hating uncle started ranting on about how unpleasant, greedy, unfriendly, lawless, unkind, and overall awful Los Angeles and its inhabitants were.

      2) I never tried this personally, but I did see it in action. A long-ago friend told me he never actually lost anything. If something was missing, he would sit calmly, light a candle, visualize the thing, and quietly, in his mind, tell the thing he was glad it had enjoyed its little holiday, but he missed it and now it needed to come home again.

      Whatever was missing would show up in the next few days. Again, I haven’t tried it myself, but I saw it work for him several times.

      Good luck to you all—hope your missing things find their way back to you!

  50. Six Feldspar*

    Happy Pi Day, Ides of March, Equinox and Ever Given anniversary! March is rich in niche internet holidays!

    1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Someone on my virtual team set up an informal staff meeting Friday afternoon March 14 at a time that included 3:14pm in our time zone. Perfect. We logged on and ate snacks together.

      We may have to celebrate Mol Day (also Avogadro’s number) at 6:02 on Oct. 23 thanks to a former science teacher on the team, and I came up with Fibonacci Day to be celebrated at 11:23 on May 8.

      Turns out we’re a bunch of math nerds.

  51. AF Vet*

    Anyone here work at Southwest, particularly in the decision making processes that are sending it off the rails at full steam ahead? I have… opinions. And concerns. I used to fly them at least once a month. No longer.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      … and if they did, why would they out themselves so you can express your opinions at them? Good heavens.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        Right? This came off as very aggressive and not something I would respond to if I did work there!

    2. Rara Avis*

      For 20+ years I’ve flown Southwest pretty much exclusively. The routes from where I live to where my parents live are rarely convenient, but I flew them for all the other reasons. With those going away, there’s no reason for me to stay with them.

  52. Zettelkasten (Bike Walk Bake Books)*

    Anyone here use the Zettelkasten method of note-taking and knowledge management? Stumbled across it and I’m quite curious about it. I read widely across a lot of topics and would like to be able to collect and organize items for later reference without typing a bunch of random stuff into a long Word document (that I probably wouldn’t look at as often as I might think I would). I’m no longer in grad school but I write a lot for work. Having a way to organize and cross-reference is really appealing. I like hands-on systems and keep a journal so it feels like a fit in that regard.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I looked at the page, and the mention of getting organized to write a book immediately jumped out to me. It seems to me that the blogger may have fallen into the common trap of believing that the main obstacle to writing a book is the lack of a sophisticated enough organizing system.

      Nope. I have written 10 books, and the main obstacle is *doing anything else you can think of to avoid writing the damn book.* Like making incredibly complex analog metadata systems for your notes.

      It looks like a cool hobby, and like the kind of thing some people would get into the same way they get into bullet journaling or MarieKondo, so you may love it. Personally, that flavor of hyperfixation isn’t my flavor.

  53. Bruce*

    Regarding the book Real Americans, the family that used to live across the street from me had quite the epic story: the grandparents were both professors of mechanical engineering in the 60s, during the Cultural Revolution they were exiled to the far west of China and assigned to teach tractor maintenance. When I was chatting with them the grandmother joked that she spoke better Russian than English “Pa Russki!”. Their daughter grew up on the steppes around horse people, went to school in the east and married an entrepreneur who brought her and her parents to the US. Then he strayed and she divorced him, supporting herself and her family with her accounting education. My boys played with her daughters and I chatted a lot with her parents, they were both pretty cool people who had seen a lot of stuff go down and survived it.

  54. Emily Byrd Starr*

    Username thread! What is the story behind your username?
    Mine is the protagonist of the young adult book series Emily of New Moon, by L.M. Montgomery (who also wrote the Anne of Green Gables series) . I had almost all the Anne books and all the Emily books growing up, and I read and reread them over and over again throughout my adolescent years. Montgomery lived on Prince Edward Island, and most of her books took place there. Ever since I was twelve and read Anne of G.G. for the first time, I’ve wanted to visit PEI. I finally got to go there in the summer of 2023, and I had a wonderful time. When I came home from vacation, I changed my username. I’m not sure what it was before.

    1. Hyaline*

      I just re-read the Anne and Emily books over the winter and recognized your username from New Moon as soon as I saw it! I love it!

      Mine is just a word I like :D but it’s also a very obscure Narnia reference.

      2. Saturday*

        The Splendor Hyaline – I remember!

        Mine is my favorite day of the week, because I’m not very creative.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      I love the movie Being There. Always wanted to name a dog Chauncy, but never had a dog where the name fit. So here I am!
      Plus I love to garden.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I recognized yours as soon as I saw it! There are a few other LM Montgomery user names around as well, Valancy Snaith comes to mind. And I think I’ve seen a Diana Barry as well.

      I’m a ginger, as are all my cats.

    4. Sitting Pretty*

      Since becoming chronically ill, my life has slowed down so much. My former, active self would barely recognize me! I spend massive chunks of every day reclining and/or sitting, or even in bed. My user name is my way of reminding myself that I am still a glorious creature even if I am tethered to the couch.

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      Mine’s an Alison-ism. It came from her answer to a question from someone who I think was on a schedule where they tended to arrive at the office later than their co-workers. I’ll try to find a link but Hlao-roo will probably beat me to it…

    6. Forrest Rhodes*

      I have this name because many of the places and people I’ve loved best, that have meant the most to me, that make me smile when I think about them, have involved forest roads.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I started as just Red Reader, because I have Merida hair and have been a prodigious reader all my life. Then someone asked for an adulting fairy to help them make a decision about something and I jumped on it.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Mine’s from Mystery Science Theater, episode 22 Season 8, “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.” It’s from a line Raul Julia says. I can always tell a real MSTie when they “get” my name right away!

      1. Hyaline*

        Yes! That episode is a favorite. Never show a good movie in the middle of your bad movie!

    9. Rogue Slime Mold*

      In the book Entangled Life, about fungi, it is revealed that slime molds can find their way out of Ikea. (The researcher set this task because he cannot.) I am mildly surprised that slime molds let us think we’re in charge.

      1. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

        I was in the Galapagos Islands when the naturalist beside me pointed out this little fat penguin standing by itself on a rock. He exclaimed “poquito gordito pinguino” much to my amusement. When joining this forum (quite recently….I’ve never really participated on the internet but everyone seems so nice here) and I needed a username my thought process was – I’m short (poquito), I’m pudgy (gordito) and why yes, I do kind of waddle like a penguin (pinguino). A username was born.

    12. Six Feldspar*

      Mine is using the format from the Teixcalaanli empire in the series by Arkady Martine, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a name in the series itself

  55. Electric toothbrush*

    My good old Oral-B electric toothbrush stopped working 2 days ago. I tried cleaning the stem at the bottom that fits into the charger, so now it has a very clean stem and still doesn’t work. I would love to get your recommendations for a new electric toothbrush and why you like it.

    I assume they all do a comparable job of cleaning teeth, but I’d hope to get a fairly quiet model that has a slim base and that doesn’t attach to the electric outlet via a power block, as my outlet only has room for a 2- or 3-prong plug. Please also mention any other pros and cons that I don’t know to ask about. Thank you!

    1. Electric toothbrush*

      I have another question now that I looked these up online. It seems like the two most recommended models are Oral-B Pro 1000 and Philips Sonicare 4100. Both are rechargeable, which is new to me — how does that work? My old Oral-B (RIP) has a base that plugs into a standard electrical outlet and I’ve always left it plugged in.

      Also, I have sensitive teeth and gums; is this Oral-B model too strong? Can it be dialed back?

      1. basil and thyme*

        I have an oral-B that is slowly dying, but it’s about 7-10 years old. It has different modes, and I use the “soft” one, which is the third time I press the main button. I’m not sure what you mean by rechargeable. Mine has a base. I (usually) leave the based plugged in, and put the toothbrush on it every few days (*). That’s the part the recharges the battery in the toothbrush. The toothbrush itself has a battery, and you recharge the battery by sticking it on the base. If the toothbrush was not rechargeable, you would have an electrical cord from the toothbrush itself that went directly into an outlet, and the electric part of the toothbrush wouldn’t work unless you directly plugged the toothbrush in.

        (*) note that you don’t have to leave the base plugged in, you only need it plugged in when directly recharging the toothbrush. Having the base plugged in, and sticking the toothbrush on the base is the part where you are recharging the battery in the toothbrush.

        I may have completely missed your point about rechargeable.

      2. WFH4VR*

        They come with a USB charging cord like a phone. Plug the usb end into a block and charge it from the outlet.

      3. former recruiter*

        I have a Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Smart rechargeable toothbrush – it has a charging base that you plug in, and you have the option to either put a clear plastic base over it to stand the toothbrush up, or you can put the clear glass cup over the charger and plop the toothbrush in it. It has lasted me 2.5 years now. Also have gum issues and my perio sells the compact replaceable heads for more a “detail” clean for my gums – worth asking your dentist or perio about (I can’t find these heads online anywhere). The toothbrush gives you a warning if you are applying too much pressure. I use the lowest setting on the normal Clean mode and it works great.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I have a newer oral b pro 1000 with a base but it doesn’t need to stay plugged in -it lasts about a week between charges. The base is small and I tuck it in a drawer.

  56. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Text to speech question.

    Have any of you found a good app for reading web sites out loud? Using this as an example, Android settings play only the main article, and I want the comments too.

Comments are closed.