thank you

To the readers who gave me this amazing wedding gift — a book of marriage advice from “Ask a Commenter” — THANK YOU!  My fiance said it was the single most thoughtful gift he’s ever seen, and I second that.

I’m so moved by this. And I think we’re going to quote some of your advice in our ceremony.


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{ 54 comments… read them below }

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I will! I’ll have a chance to photograph the pages in a couple of hours, and I’ll post links to them (from this comment section) when I do. (To anyone who participated: I’ll leave out your photos and names if you don’t use publicly here in case those should not be shared.)

  1. Cruella Da Boss*

    How did I miss the wedding announcement?! Congratulations!!

    The best piece of advice I was given as a new bride, that we still follow today, is to “never stop dating” each other. Set aside a regular date night that is just for you and him.

    It’s been really challenging, especially after four kids, but it is “our time” that we use to reconnect, away from the kids. Sometimes it’s just him and me watching a movie on the couch after a quiet dinner and sometimes we spring for the dress-up-fancy restaurant. Either way, we take the time to make the time for each other. An hour or two of not being mom/dad/boss etc…and just being a couple is really rejuvenating.

    Best Wishes!

  2. ChristineSW*

    *cries* I absolutely had every intention of contributing to this, but completely forgot!! Sorry Kimberlee!

    My note would’ve been simple: Cherish every moment of your wedding day. Make each other laugh. Don’t take yourselves and each other seriously all the time.

    That’s what I attribute to my wonderful marriage – still giddy after 14 years (as of Oct. 2).

  3. evilintraining*

    I remember someone doing this at a previous job. The most memorable one was, “SEPARATE CHECKING ACCOUNTS.”

    1. Chinook*

      Nope – 3 checking accounts: Yours, mine and the one we both contribute to that is used to pay household bills. When DH came up with this system and we were both able to get our employers to direct deposit part of our cheque into the shared account and part into our own and then had the bills come out as automatic debits, financial stresses decreased amazingly well! (of course, there was an initial few months of crossed fingers while we watched and wiated to make sure we calculated the correct amounts going into the shared account). The best thing is that you don’t have to worry about who is paying the hydro or cable bill and if DH is going to go out for an unplanned lunch and bounce the morgtage payment.

      1. Z*

        Wait, I always thought DH was an abbreviation for the relationship “daughter’s husband.” Does it stand for something else?
        (Also, I second the advice. My husband and I have a joint checking account and two individual accounts. That way, he can buy some tabletop gaming book without me getting frustrated.)

          1. Z*

            Oh. Huh. I had just made a guess based on context clues in the past. I had thought that DH was daughter’s husband, SW would be a son’s wife, etc. Shows what I know.

      2. Audiophile*

        That is a good system. I’m not married, not even close, but I’ve already decided to have separate checking accounts.
        Heard too many stories of couples getting in squabbles over joint accounts.

  4. Alicia*

    This is so awesome! We did something similar to this for my best friend when she moved away from home to start grad school. It’s one of those things to be cherished for sure!

  5. khilde*

    What a fun idea! Kudos to whoever thought of it.

    Alison – I remembered you were engaged but wasn’t sure if you had the ceremony yet. At any rate, congratulations!! I wish you both much happiness.

  6. Liz in a library*

    This is completely fantastic! What wonderful people there are here. Thank you Alison for sharing the text with the rest of us!

    Also, thanks so much to the person who mentioned thinking about the life insurance money. You made me feel like a way better person today because…totally totally been there!

      1. Jessica (the celt)*

        I recently finished my marathon through your own blog, GD, and I was laughing quite a bit (and feeling for you the rest of the time). If you do end up having to move to Minnesota and eventually visit Duluth (I know it’s probably too cold for you to move here), my husband and I will take you guys to dinner. ;~)

        Loved your advice! (My husband and I shop together, but neither of us care much if we have found the optimal bacon, so…)

    1. Melissa*

      Yeah, when I read that I was like “OMG, so I am not the only person who has idly thought about that.”

  7. Ms Enthusiasm*

    This is amazing! Congratulations, I’m so happy for you. And I also want to say THANK YOU for all the great advice you have given over the years.

  8. junipergreen*

    This is the sweetest – congrats again to you two!

    Got great advice (from a wonderful manager, naturally) before our wedding: during the reception, try to sneak away together for just a moment during the whirl of the festivities. The day went by in a blur, but that quick moment stands out for giving us a chance to connect one-on-one, and also to admire the great party we’d planned for our loved ones!


    1. Melissa*

      Also, make sure you eat the food! you spend so much time trying to pick the food, you want to try some of it at least. And low blood sugar on your wedding day is not fun either.

    2. Rana*

      These are both great bits of advice. Designate someone to make sure you eat, and schedule in a bit of quiet time together to reflect on the step you’ve just taken. (This is a common thing at Jewish weddings, and it was a really nice breather for us. Highly recommend.)

  9. Ariancita*

    This is so great, Kimberlee! Fantastic job to all who contributed as well! I had to decline to contribute. Since I’ve never been married and never wanted to be married and never will marry, I felt my advice of, “Run away! Run away!” might not strike the right note. :)

    Congrats AAM on your wedding!

  10. KC*

    That’s AMAZING! Really, really fantastic surprise. And also a perfect example of what makes this blog (and the community around it) so incredible. So much <3

  11. Dang*

    How cute!!! But I disagree slightly… Catless marriages are illegal in most states.

    Congrats Alison and future Mr. Alison!! Many happy years together, and thanks for all you do.

  12. ArmyWifeMelissa*

    I LOVE THIS!!!! Great idea! So wish I could have contributed!!! I’ve been married for 21 years. My advice: 1. Don’t EVER take each other for granted. 2. Hold hands at least once a day. 3. LISTEN to your spouse … not just when he’s/she’s trying to tell you something truly heartfelt or important, but also when he’s/she’s telling you where he/she put the bank card. 4. Let your spouse be right sometimes. 5. Say “I Love You” everyday. 6. Consider investing in separate blankets/duvet covers on the bed you share. This may not seem important yet …. just wait. 7. I “second” the separate checking accounts. And for the record, make sure someone is on top of the finances at all times. Don’t just assume the other partner is taking care of everything. 8. Sometimes it’s important to take separate vacations. Especially when your idea of a vacation is “spa” and his idea of a vacation is “historical artifacts from WWII.” Just saying. 9. Don’t ever let him/her talk you into buying a car that you don’t really love. 10. If you send him/her to the grocery store and he comes home with the wrong brand of mayonnaise and the wrong brand of paper towels, it WILL be okay. (Just make sure that next time you write down which brand you want on the list.) 11. Even if you don’t succeed, try really hard not to nag/criticize the way he/she drives. 12. Two words: TWO SINKS (in the bathroom). Congratulations and Best Wishes to the Bride and Groom!

    1. Job seeker*

      Alison, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. All of the advice given here was wonderful. I have been married 31 years and all I can add to these are never let one day go by without saying I love you and pick your battles. Like this poster said, if he or she goes to the grocery store and comes home with the wrong brand it will be OK. Also kiss goodnight and good morning and never forget to be thankful for each other. Always continue to build each other up. Be each others greatest cheerleader in life. :-)

  13. Anonymous*

    Didn’t know about the book; I’m a fairly new fan so maybe it was mentioned before I came on board.

    Thanks for all you do for us, and best wishes!! The best marriage advice I can give is Re disagreements: “Is this the hill I wanna die on?”

  14. Ann Furthermore*

    What a great idea. Congratulations Alison! As far as marriage advice goes, the best I can give is to never take your spouse for granted. Remember to keep saying thank you, for little things and big things.

  15. ECH*

    Wow, what a thoughtful and clever idea!! :)

    Two ideas – communicate and let him know you think he is great!

    Congratulations and thanks for all your wisdom over the years.

  16. Jessica (the celt)*

    Oh my goodness, I love this! When I got married, I asked coworkers for marriage advice, and I loved what I got. I was hoping it’d be more heartfelt than the simply practical (I’m way too practical for my own good, so I needed more mushy stuff), and I got it. I’ve been married 7.5 years now, and my current (different than the above) coworkers keep telling us we act like newlyweds. I keep reminding them that there has to be some kind of limitation on “newlywed,” and I’m calling it at seven years. I just happen to like being married to my best friend, and I like my best friend an awful lot. ;~) (I liked him an awful lot as a best friend before we even started dating, so I’ve always been glad we had that basis before we threw the romance in for good measure.)

  17. Rana*

    Congrats again! My advice is that you will, at some point, fight and argue with each other. It may well be what we call “a stupid fight” – an argument about how to cut the carrots, or whether a character in a comic strip was right to be upset about something, or the merits of a knitting tour – or something more serious. (One caution: often the stupid fights are really about something else, which is why they blow up beyond reason. It’s worth figuring out what was going on, later.)

    What we’ve found is that it’s important to (a) fight fair, (b) discuss it later when you’ve both calmed down, and (c) be willing to “lose” if it will keep things from blowing up to a dangerous point (you can always revisit the issue later, if it’s a serious disagreement, as opposed to a Stupid Fight).

    We’ve also learned that the two worst times to have a fight are when we’re hungry, or when we’re tired. Many times one or the other of us has been argumentative and difficult, and the other has realized it’s because we need to eat or rest. There’s no point arguing with the other person until both are rested and fed, at which point it may be that there’s no longer an argument to be had at all.

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