weekend open thread — August 31-September 1, 2024

by Alison Green on August 30, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Then She Found Me, by Elinor Lipman. A quiet teacher finds her life changed when her birth mother — a flamboyant and somewhat narcissistic talk show host — finds her.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Pamela S*

    Reading recs. On Monday, I borrowed two of Richard Osman’s Thursday Murder Club books (TTMC, The Man Who Died Twice) from the library. I finished the first in a couple of days and am nearly at the this is who actually dunnit stage of the second. Another trip to the library is in order to get the third.
    I was pleased to see that production of the first book has started – it stars Helen Mirren, Pierce Brosnan and Celia Imrie.

    1. DannyG*

      Island in the Sea of Time: S.M. Stirling. A mixture of Si-Fi and historical fiction. I’m usually not a huge fiction reader, but it’s holding my interest.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        He has a companion series about the same Event from a different setting that starts with Dies the Fire. :) (that one is a lot longer – I think it tapped out at 15 books by the end, but the first trilogy has a decent ending if you’re inclined to stop early.)

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Days/More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop, and The Appeal, which I cannot put down! The former two are sweet, gentle novels translated from the Japanese, the latter a “OMG how is anyone going to be left alive at the end of this?” murder mystery!

      1. acmx*

        Oh. I didn’t realize there was a More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop. I need to check that out.

    3. noname today*

      Reading the third one now—also a fan of TTMC!

      Different but still cozy: medieval murder mysteries series by Ann Swinfen—first book is the Bookseller’s Tale. Each of the books explore a field of employment/life as it was in 14th century Oxford (the novice’s tale, the merchant’s tale, etc) while solving murder and other schemes using the CSI tools of the time (like geometry and physics). Swinfen is an historian and engaging writer—has two other series but this one is my fave.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Ooh, I’ll read every single TTMC book that comes out until the end of time. Always happy to hear about people loving it!

      Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone by
      Benjamin Stevenson is also a bit whimsical and great fun. Can’t wait to read the sequel.

      Also, I recently read Newcomer by Keigo Higashino, which is a Japanese mystery. It has wholesome character interactions and cosy vibes, even though it’s not meant to be a funny book. Highly recommended.

      1. Hiring Mgr*

        I’m about halfway through the Benjamin Stevenson sequel – so far I’m enjoying it as much or more as the first

    5. Cordelia*

      the casting for the film is so perfect, just how I’ve imagined them! and Ben Kingsley as Ibrahim, Jonathan Pryce as Stephen – I can’t wait

    6. IrishEm*

      I’ve recently got back into audiobooks since I don’t have the physical energy to hold a book right now (thanks fibromyalgia). I’m listening to a few at a time, going back to when I was a voracious reader and devoured several books at once.

      I’m partway through two for my book club started by one of the ERGs at the place we don’t talk about on weekends, Someone Else’s Shoes by Jojo Moyes and My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. Someone Else’s Shoes is a large book with short chapters. I’m about halfway through it, and the reader is Daisy Ridley of Star Wars fame. I like her reading style, she’s consistent with the voices/accents for the characters. The main point of the story is: “Who are you when you are forced to walk in someone else’s shoes?” I am struggling with it, tbh. Neither protagonist character is remotely likeable but in very different ways. And with them being pov characters it’s really difficult to get into the story or be on either of their sides. It does have 3.96 on Goodreads so it might improve, so I’m going to slog through more of it, in case it improves further down. I do appreciate the character growth I’ve seen so far, I just don’t enjoy it per se.

      My Brilliant Friend is the worldwide phenomenon that is set in Italy in the 1950s and on, and I’ve struggled with the reader, the voice actor does fine work, it’s a personal thing about the voice not suiting my brain. The first few chapters felt like a slog but I’m really enjoying iit now :) I’m SO relieved haha, I was worried I wouldn’t enjoy it. Idk if this is a me thing but I’m reminded of some Giuseppe Tornatore films set in mid-20th century Italy.

      Anyway that’s my reading for now, and I am SO glad my Spotify Premium comes with a bunch of audiobooks as a part of the plan.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        There is a great TV series of My Brilliant Friend too (all in Italian but so worth it); we’ve only managed to see the first season so far but it convinced my husband to read the whole series!

    7. Still*

      Didn’t know they were bringing it to the screen! That might be actually perfect casting. Of the ladies at least, Pierce I will need to see in action.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Highly recommend *Olga Dies Dreaming* by Xochitl Gonzalez. I haven’t enjoyed something as much in a long time, to the point where I want to give it to all my friends!

    10. Ronnie*

      There’s 15 copies of The Thursday Murder Club in my local library system, but there’s always been a hold list, even now, four years after it was released. I suppose the good thing about waiting until there are available copies is that by then there’ll be a bunch of books in the series and I’ll be able to check them all out at once.

      I just finished the Lockwood & Co series. Absolutely loved it. If anyone has recommendations for similar ghost-hunting or supernatural series, I’m all ears.

      I’m going to start The Master Switch: The Rise and Fall of Information Empires today.

      1. noname today*

        The rivers of London series by Ben Arronovitch might be to your tastes: London cop murder mysteries meets an older Harry Potter type (as well as fey-folk like talking foxes and river spirits).

        Writer wrote for Dr who at one point—and the narrator is so amazing that I could literally listen to him read the phone book.

        2. Ronnie*

          Added it to my list of things to borrow from the library, thank you! (There’s 9 books so far?! I love when I can read a long series. :) )

          1. Jordan*

            I’m a big fan of Rivers of London. Ironically, it’s difficult to get the books at my library system, but they have ALL the Rivers of London graphic novels

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I’m a big fan of those books and you might like The Bartimaeus Trilogy by the same author, Stroud. It features a witty and snarky daemon that narrates the story of a magician and has very amusing footnotes sprinkled throughout.

    11. Dashwood*

      IF you like the TTMC books, you might also enjoy the Bryant and May book by Christopher Fowler. It was Fowler (RIP) who suggested Osman’s books to me a few years ago.

      Also, Richard Osman has a great podcast with Marina Hyde, The Rest is Entertainment.

    12. Pharmgirl*

      I’ve been waiting for the adaptation for a while – so excited it’s finally in production. I highly recommend the audio book versions – they’re absolutely delightful!

      1. Mrs. Frisby*

        Totally agree, I’ve listened to them all on audio and love them that way. On the third book, when they switched narrators, I was really worried but I adored her too. Both narrators are fantastic!

    13. OmNom*

      Nonfiction – The Body: A Guide for Occupants, by Bill Bryson, is amazing. Read it through twice straight. Left me jaw-dropped more than once.

  3. Ask her or ask Joe*

    I need to buy new dishtowels. They get a lot of use since I have no dishwasher, so they should be durable and absorbent. Attractive is nice, but functional is more important. I bought my current towels years ago from Williams-Sonoma, and they’ve been durable but not as absorbent as I would like. I welcome your recc’s and warnings!

    1. WellRed*

      I’ve always liked bar towels. They are inexpensive and work great! You know they are absorbent cause bartenders use them to dry quickly!

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Buy twice as many as you need–if you’re anything like me you tear through the towels!

    4. CtheRocker*

      I just bought some nice thin ones and some flour sack cloths at Dollar General last weekend. They dry pretty fast and are soft.

    5. Manders*

      I bought some great ones on Amazon – Homaxy’s Waffle Weave towels. The only thing is that they are not regular dish towel sizes (that I’m used to). I have some that are smaller, like a washcloth, and some that are the same width as a normal dish towel but about 50% longer. But they are very, very absorbent and I’ve been really happy with them. They wear well.

      2. Retirednew*

        Can I not post links here? We buy dish towels made from recycled plastic bottles – washable, dryable, and last forever!

        Rendergoods dot com

        1. Elizabeth West*

          If you want to soften them without fabric softener, get some of those wool dryer balls. They’re soft enough not to damage the dryer like tennis balls and they fluff up towels and clothing nicely. And when they wear out, you can recycle them. :)

          You can get them at Walmart or Target, usually in packs of two. I have six. They’re not expensive. Or you can order cute ones online that look like little penguins.

          1. dontbeadork*

            The cute ones that look like penguins (or sheep or dogs or whatever) had a tendency to lose the attached bits that make them look like whatever they’re supposed to represent. It’s better to save the extra couple of bucks and get the plain ones right off the bat.

            Learned that the hard way.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      Look into linen dishtowels! They are great, and possible to get a different price points.

    9. Juneybug*

      I like Walmart Mainstays kitchen towels. They won’t last forever but I then use them as rags so win-win.

    10. Generic Name*

      I use tea towels to dry dishes. You can buy them new, but I’ve found more than one set at thrift stores with “day of the week” embroidery characters on them. For drying hands, I like the cheap sets you can get in the grocery store.

    11. Miss Buttons*

      I find dishtowels are not very absorbent at all. I use regular hand towels like I’d put on the bathroom rack, for drying dishes.

    12. Reluctant Mezzo*

      A bag full of shop rags works a lot better than you might think. Look in any automotive section.

    15. Jessica*

      I loathe all the NON-absorbent kinds of dishtowel and can’t understand what anyone sees in them. I bought these off amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N45PY6I/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1
      They’re only four years old now, but holding up flawlessly. They’re absorbent and useful, and not so thin that drying one thing leaves them damp. The fruit pattern may or may not be to your taste, but I find them attractive, and they do at least come in a few color/pattern choices. If I needed more dishtowels I’d buy these again in a hot minute.

  4. Cutting solutions*

    where do you keep your cutting boards? I used to keep mine stacked vertically against the wall, but I’ve found that they’ve damaged the walls. now that I’ve fixed and repainted the walls, I’m looking for how or where to keep my boards so they are convenient. I have four of various sizes, but having 2 or 3 handy is a must.

    1. acmx*

      I have a narrow cabinet that holds mine.

      Maybe you can get a rack to attach to a cabinet door (like ones to hold foil or plastic wrap)?

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        More or less this. My sheet pans (and muffin tins) are in the drawer under the oven but I have a pull-out with a vertical slot I use for cutting boards, roaster racks and similar.

    3. Double A*

      I keep mine in a drawer because I have a death of cabinets but a excess of drawers in my kitchen.

        1. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

          I also keep most of mine in the oven drawer. My cabinets are too shallow for any but the smallest.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Leaning against the wall, hah, with our cookie sheets and muffin tin. They’re braced by the crockery holding all our spoons/spatulas/etc.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Maybe one of my ideas will prove helpful? I keep about 3 cutting boards on their sides amongst the meat and dairy pots and pans in what used to be the linen closet (which is relatively close to the kitchen). Two more of the meat cutting boards hang from over-the-door hooks attached to the upper kitchen cabinets. And two small dairy ones are tucked vertically inside a cabinet, beside the other vertically-stored dairy dishes.

      Yes, I keep kosher in a small apartment. It’s a real-life, 3-d puzzle challenge to find storage places reasonably accessible to the kitchen. On the other hand, it’s rarely boring. :-P

    6. Professor Plum*

      I got a small desktop mail holder at the thrift store—perfect to set several cutting boards into on the countertop.

    7. Paperheart*

      I drove two really long screws only partway into the side of my wooden kitchen cart. We hang our multiple cutting boards from the screws and it works really well since one of the boards has a long metal handle that fits over both screws and other boards only have a small round hole that fits over one. You do have to commit to only buying boards with handles/holes in them though.

    8. allathian*

      I’m in Finland so I keep mine in the draining cupboard above the sink that’s standard equipment here. They fit nicely in the slots. We have a washer, so it doesn’t get much use otherwise. I also keep our non-stick frying pans there. Even if they’re dishwasher safe, they’ll last longer if you wash them by hand. I also have a wooden cutting board that we only use for cutting bread. It’s kept on the kitchen counter.

      1. Liz*

        I love those draining cupboards! I visited my friend in Poland and apparently they are standard in a lot of places in mainland Europe. We Brits are missing a trick – we tend to put the kitchen sink in front of a window so we can stare outside to pass the time while we do the washing up.

        1. Scholarly Publisher*

          We installed a coated wire shelf over our sink that serves the same purpose as a draining cupboard, plus we can still see out the window.

        2. allathian*

          Yes, I remember that from our year in the UK. We did have a draining board, but it was too small to dry more than a few plates at a time.

          Here, rinsing dishes is an absolute must because you usually put them to drain without drying. I was horrified the first time I saw someone drying dishes without rinsing them, and being forced to do it that way in home economics class was worse.

          For big holiday meals that my mom, who doesn’t have a washing machine, hosts my sister and I take turns washing, rinsing, and drying. Generally sinks here feature two bowls, so you can wash the dishes in one and put them to soak in clean water in the other. When I was a kid we rinsed in running water, but that’s too wasteful to do now, even if we rarely have droughts. But because dinner for 10 people is more than my mom’s draining cupboard can handle, we dry the dishes before putting them away.

          That said, the bigger trick you’re missing is the one-grip tap! They’ve been standard here since the late 1970s.

          Another thing that puzzled me about British kitchens was the location of the stovetop switches at the top, behind the stove, rather than below the stovetop, on top of the oven. Sure, small kids can’t reach the switches there, but given how popular making your own chips/fries is (or at least was in the mid-80s), it’s also dangerous if the oil catches fire.

    10. noahwynn*

      I have a large, thick wooden one I keep on my counter next to my sink. The plastic one I use for meat I keep in the same narrow cabinet as my cookie sheets and pizza pan. If I want the wooden one out of the way it’ll slide in that same cabinet.

    11. Kathenus*

      Mine are standing up vertically against the wall of a cabinet that has plastic containers, colanders, etc. in it. I have 5-6 of varying sizes and materials and enough crap, I mean stuff, in the cabinet that they stay upright with no problem and don’t damage anything.

    12. Ronnie*

      I keep four of various sizes too. I store them in one of my kitchen cabinets against the side of the cabinet. I use a large bookend to keep them upright/in place. Works pretty well and they don’t take up much space.

    13. ReallyBadPerson*

      I have a vertical plate rack (horrible open kitchen!) and I keep my two most frequently used cutting boards there. The others are in a drawer.

    14. carcinization*

      Mine sit on top of my stack of cooling racks (like used for cookies) when I’m not using all 3 cooling racks. Works for me!

    15. Qwerty*

      I use the bottom half a square shoe-box to hold all the cutting boards vertical and keep it in one of my lower cabinets. It allows me to grab one fast while keeping the cabinet organized, and its easy to move the box if I need one of the items behind it.

      I used to have a large glass one that was permanently flat on the counter and that was just the cutting station. (It had pads on the bottom to protect the counter, similar to what people use to prevent cabinet doors from banging closed). I would just wash it down with a sponge similar to cleaning normal countertops. That way I only had to pull out a normal cutting board for stuff like raw meat or onions that would require a more thorough washing.

    16. Pharmgirl*

      I found a wooden magazine rack my parent weren’t using that works perfectly. Maybe something like that? It sits right on the counter so its handy.

    17. Artemesia*

      I have a narrow cabinet next to the dishwasher where I keep cook sheets and big cutting boards but for the kitchen shelf (and I have a galley kitchen so space is at a premium) I use this set of cutting boards that comes in a case by Joseph Joseph. I wore out the first set and am on my second — I love them as I have 4 clean board and they go in the dishwasher so I never worry about cross contamination. And they are neat, don’t lean against anything and the case is attractive; I get the stainless look case as it goes with our appliances. One of my favorite consumer products. https://us.josephjoseph.com/products/folio-steel-chopping-board-set-stainless-steel?
      the first set I had had sort of glued on tabs to identify different foods use and those eventually loosened but this replacement has a different more embedded handle to pull them out of the case and I doubt they are going to fail.

  5. sarah*

    I was trying to explain to my spouse why I loved the Speed Round on Thursday so much and couldn’t articulate it but I had a great time following along and would love more of them!

  6. Wool dryer balls*

    A few months ago I read about using wool dryer balls instead of dryer sheets. I have never used dryer sheets because I think they’re environmentally unfriendly, but I was curious about the wool balls and got a 6-pack of them. I’ve been using ball #1 this whole time and I’d like to know how you know it’s time to discard it and move on to ball #2. I suppose they do have a shelf life.

    1. Pam Adams*

      We throw multiple balls in the dryer a least 3 and possibly all six. The oldest have lasted for a few years.

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We decided against wool dryer balls because hubs is allergic to wool. We bought hard plastic balls that work very well.

    3. ThatGirl*

      We bought 8 and I use 6 at a time – you need them to bounce around. They last a good 5-10 years, no worries about them wearing out quickly. You’ll know when they start to look puffy and fuzzy.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      I use the whole pack at once. I know it’s time to replace when my dog steals them all.

        2. Local Garbage Committee*

          Also a top tier small child toy, we have them all everywhere in our house except the laundry room.

        3. ReallyBadPerson*

          Yep. There are few things funnier than a 12 lb cat trotting around with a giant wool dryer ball in his mouth.

    5. Rara Avis*

      I use 3 (well now two after my cat caught and disemboweled one). It’s been years. Mine are homemade felted alpaca — I had a friend whose niece raised (real) alpacas.

    6. Dwight Schrute*

      Well I never quite got the hype around the wool balls and it appears it’s because I didn’t use them properly. I only ever put one in at a time! I will have to try again using more of them.

      1. Manders*

        I love them (use 3 at a time), and for me the only downside is that in the winter when the humidity is low they result in a lot of static electricity. Small price to pay for not leaving residue on your clothes though, I think.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I bought a package of four wool balls and O put all of them in the dryer at once. They’re a couple years old now and look brand new.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I use a MILLION at a time (okay 9) because they are amazing for keeping my sheets from tangling around each other/smaller items and then never drying in the twisted up parts. But you need to use a lot of them. So far they have lasted and not “worn out” at all.

      2. fposte*

        I wish mine did that. Squeezing a wool ball out of a shirtsleeve or seeing one roll across the floor when I fold a fitted sheet is part of laundry practice now.

    10. Wool dryer balls*

      I am so glad I asked this question! I had no idea I was doing wool dryer balls the wrong way. Next time will throw in at least 2 more, oh heck, maybe all of them :)

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yep, they work by bouncing around and fluffing your laundry, it’s not a 1:1 replacement for a dryer sheet :) they cam just live in your dryer, no need to take them out between loads.

    11. A313*

      We use all 6 at a time. I did read somewhere that if/when they start to “unravel” a bit, you can toss them in the washer, and they will tighten up again. But using all 6 at a time (or more!) is key to keeping the laundry separated and fluffier and static-free.

    12. Chaordic One*

      This was a very good question and I really learned a lot from the answers. They’re on my shopping list for today.

    14. Enough*

      Just looked this up. Saw 3 recommended for small to medium loads, five for medium to large and up to 12 for really large. And they can last up to 1000 loads (5 years).

    15. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I throw in all I have (five of them, number six did walkabout two weeks after I got them).

    16. ampersand*

      We use three at a time and they usually last a couple of years. Once they start falling apart (they get fluffy and the wool starts pulling apart), we switch them out for new ones.

  7. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

    Okay, so this week there was one question that led to discussion about face blindness and not recognizing people out of literal or figurative uniform. Which reminded me: did anyone watch the Olympics *including* the closing ceremony? I was looking at all the people milling around, trying to spot specific people I’d been rooting for, and it was prit-near impossible. First, Team USA were all wearing identical white warmups, so I couldn’t identify anyone’s event by their gear. And no one was covering their head or part of their face, *and* most of the women were doing the opposite, looks-wise, of what they’d had to do in competition. Those who were obligated to wear severe hairstyles and stage makeup were now au naturel, or almost. And the ones who had been barefaced, due to being sweaty or submerged in water, were all glammed up. I finally gave up trying to ID anyone!

    1. Pamela S*

      A good friend of mine has face blindness and often asks, “Do I know them?” when watching movies or tv. We both have aphantasia (lack of visual imagery or mind’s eye) and I have trouble putting names to faces (you know the saying, I don’t remember your name but I never forget a face? Yeah, I forget faces) as I can’t make a connection. I know I know them, usually, I just don’t know what their name is.

      I was once asked what a work colleague looked like and I had to say I had no idea because I couldn’t picture them.

    2. Filosofickle*

      I was a competitive swimmer. While I don’t have face blindness, when you primarily see people in swimsuits with wet hair (plus goggles/caps etc) it can be hard to recognize them all dressed and dried! As a teen girl, I was always trying to figure out to how to show up and be seen at swim meets looking cute before jumping in.

    3. old song memories*

      Ooh. Were the comments interesting? – if so, where is it? I’m relatively faceblind, sometimes not recognizing myself in the mirror. Definitely not recognizing hubby of 20 years when he gets a haircut.

      1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

        It’s from Wednesday or Thursday, about a co-worker who never uses women’s names, only men’s.

    4. Blue Cactus*

      I’m not truly faceblind but I rely a lot on visual cues like hairstyle to distinguish people on screen. Movies where everyone is wearing uniforms are my nightmare – I love Robin Williams but I can’t follow Dead Poet’s Society because I can’t tell all the kids apart.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s my only consistent complaint about military movies. Which young man with the nebulously brown-blond high and tight in an olive green t-shirt and khaki pants is this again?

        1. Anonymous cat*

          Same for fantasy/medieval-ish shows and movies!
          Shows like Game of Thrones have characters who are mostly tall men with long hair and beards. I’m, who is who?

          A lot of the final season of Game of Thrones took place in a very cold setting so everyone was dressed in heavy outdoor clothing that also looked mostly identical!

          so in any post-show publicity I’m trying to match up who played who, but at least those interviews also have the actors character names as a caption.

        2. Anna*

          It’s nice that newer movies about politics or courtrooms or the army or such have people of different gender and ethnicity in them, not just white men. The increased diversity is a good development for all kinds of obvious reasons, but it also makes it a lot easier to tell the different characters apart.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Heh, I remember seeing a picture of Zooey Deschanel where she had her trademark bangs styled differently, and not having the slightest idea who it was: nothing else about her had changed, but without that shorthand I just drew a blank.

    5. Samwise*

      Not face blind but after decades of working with undergrads they start to blur together haha. I did pretty well identifying new students with a photo roll. Eyebrows are the way to match them up!

    6. allathian*

      I suspect that I have some form of face blindness, although it’s fairly mild. I can usually recognize actors I’ve seen before, even in fairly heavy prosthetics (I watch a lot of sci-fi shows with aliens).

      I have trouble recognizing people I know in one context when I see them somewhere else. For example, I probably wouldn’t recognize my beautician or hairdresser if I saw them at the supermarket, at least not immediately. I might be a bit taken aback and think “I know her from somewhere” but that’s it. My relationship with my beauty services providers is purely professional. Just because we do some small talk doesn’t mean that we’re friends.

      I wish everyone was as face blind as I am because while I enjoyed my first retail job quite a lot (all that cash, most of which went into savings and my own consumption, I didn’t pay rent while I lived with my parents), I hated it when the worst of the middle aged male customers (and they were always middle aged men) wanted to talk to me even out of uniform. I wanted nothing to do with them when I wasn’t working. The trouble was that the first store was in the next block from home, so the risk of running into regulars was real. It was a relief when my first store closed and I got a transfer to another store in the same chain a couple miles away. The commute was a bit longer but it was worth it because I didn’t run into people I knew as regulars quite as often.

  8. RMNPgirl*

    Quick lunches?
    I start a new job in a week and will be going from working at home to working on site every day. At my last job when I was on site our location had amazing food options within walking distance, but this new job’s location doesn’t have that so I’ll need to bring it in.
    I live alone and am not a big cook so leftovers aren’t really an option. I would like ideas that are very quick and simple, as in pb&j quick and simple. Thanks in advance!

    1. Anon for this*

      I like pimento cheese sandwiches so I have that for lunch sometimes, since there’s a fridge at work where I can keep the pimento cheese. One of my coworkers eats salads, store bought but she doctors it up with extra ingredients. Another coworker pretty much does eat a pb&j sandwich every day! I’d get bored having the same lunch every day though.

    2. Me, I think*

      For years one of my favorite lunches was a pile of the frozen mixed berries from costco, some plain yogurt, and a sprinkle of granola on top. We make our own granola, but you can get good options at the store these days. And of course you can choose any flavor of yogurt. This is a super easy and fast lunch, and tasty :)

    3. Not A Manager*

      Obviously most meat & cheese sandwiches are about PBJ-simple. You can mix it up by getting some soft tortillas and making a wrap. I spread mine with mayo and/or mustard, layer on meat and cheese mostly across the middle of the sandwich, and lay some cornichons across that because I like cornichons. Sometimes I put on a little arugula. Then start at one end and roll it as tightly as possible. Instead of preparing this on a cutting board, I lay the tortilla directly on a piece of aluminum foil and use that to wrap it up.

      Frittatas are not PBJ-simple, but they’re not difficult and you can store slices of them in the fridge loosely covered with paper towels (to avoid sogginess). These are good gently reheated in a microwave, or at room temp.

      Hard boiled eggs are delicious on their own, or made into an egg salad. I eat mine with crackers.

      Instead of buying expensive frozen pizza, freeze your favorite take-out pizza in single slices, uncovered, on a piece of parchment or foil. Once they’re frozen, then wrap them tightly. Grab a few for lunch.

      I’m personally not big on yogurt and fruit as a meal, but if you like that, you can’t go wrong bringing a banana, some raisins, and a carton of yogurt.

    4. Feeling Feline*

      The usual dreaded “what do you like” is the question. I love making wraps in the morning, which I think might be too much cooking for others. Then there is always naan + hummus + vegetables+ baba ghannouj, which again may be too much cooking.

    5. Katie*

      I liked bringing in pasta salads for lunches (pasta, chicken, olives, cheese and random things from the fridge).

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Bean salads are also good! You can switch up the type of bean and the veggies, add some fresh herbs (cilantro, dill, basil) and the combinations will taste very different even if the process and level of effort is similar. It will likely make more than one portion, but if you use a smaller can of beans, it might be only 2-3. One of my favourites is roasted sweet potato with cumin and smoked paprika, black beans, cilantro, peppers or little cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and just some lime juice and olive oil as a dressing.

    6. miel*

      Leftovers are my real favorite. When they’re not available, I sometimes do:
      Salad (kit bought from the store) plus hard boiled eggs for protein. I keep a big bowl at work.
      Ramen in a jar (make ahead, just add boiling water)
      Assorted heat-and-eat meals from the grocery store. Lately I’m on a kick with the Thai noodle bowls from Trader Joe’s (no fridge needed)!

      I also keep tons of snacks at my desk.

    7. Alex*

      I like lunches that are just a bunch of smaller items thrown together that you can completely prep the week before. Hard boiled eggs, cut raw veggies with hummus, cheese, crackers, nuts, fruit, rolled up cold cuts, granola bars, and maybe a treat like a couple of cookies or a pudding cup.

      Does your new job have a microwave? At my office I always keep a can of soup on hand to heat up in case of lunch emergency. Super easy to just throw in your bag and go. (I get the ones with a pop top so I don’t have to worry about a can opener). If you have a trader joes near you, they have a bunch of shelf stable meals you can just grab, or even you could get frozen meals and bring them in.

    8. Professor Plum*

      With a little prep on Sunday you can have salads ready to go for the week. I like the mason jar method where you put the softer veggies at the bottom with the dressing, then harder veggies and protein, then lettuce/greens fill the space at the top. Use a lid that screws on—airtight helps keep each salad fresh all week. One prep time and salads are ready to grab and go in the am.

    9. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      My favorite thing is cups of Greek yogurt (more protein) or cottage cheese with veggies and fruit. That is small enough that I can bring 2-3 days worth at a time and not have to worry about packing lunch every single day.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      You’re going to want a good, well sealed thermal lunch bag and an ice brick. For the easiest options: hummus with pitta, or veggie sticks; pâté and crackers, or bagels and cream cheese are my “I forgot to prepare anything” go-to options. If you can make an easy salad dressing (tablespoon of oil and salad vinegar plus a tablespoon of honey/maple syrup) and put it in a tightly screwed jar, you can grab it along with a bag of salad and some protein and mix it at work. Alternatively, buy a salad dressing. If you want to let the supermarket do your lunch making for you, hearty bean soups are a good move. Most deli sections are also a ready made Bento box pick and mix; my favourite is to pick up ready made Spanish tortillas for busy weeks. If you don’t have a microwave at work, or if you do but it disgusts you, a thermos is a good investment because you can heat up your soups in the microwave while you have breakfast at home and it should still be warm at lunch. You can also do this with any leftovers from dinner and cart them to work without having to make anything extra.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Sandwich with good cheese, mustard, and tomatoes and cucumbers. Like a ploughman’s lunch in a sandwich.

    12. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      I make my own muesli (oats, dried cranberries, sliced almonds, sticks, twigs, gravel, etc.) and mix it with plain yoghurt. Depending on how squishy you want it to be when you eat it, you can mix it in the morning or just before you have lunch.

    13. CityMouse*

      Pita stuffed with hummus and whatever you want (veggies or lunchmeat) is a variation on sandwich bread, basically.

      I pack my son those little boxes for lunch and I think the adult version could be fun. Put in a sandwich, grapes, carrots and hummus, a cheese, etc.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      For a sandwich, instead of making it ahead of time and letting it get soggy, sometimes I’ll put the ingredients in my lunch box separately and assemble the sandwich at lunchtime. It saves time to pack it all up the night before, and then I can just grab it out of the fridge and throw it and go. I would set the lunchbox on the counter so I didn’t forget it.

      I always waited until I got to work to have breakfast too, which was typically two mandarins or a big plum, and two of those Nature Valley Fruit and Nut bars, Trail Mix flavor. I have eight million of them because I grab a couple of boxes if I see them on sale at the grocery store. They’re easy to shove into the lunchbox, but if I knew we were having catered lunch the next day, I put them in a reusable plastic bag in my backpack.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        A little butter on the bread helps with the sogginess if you have to make the sandwich in the morning. Then meat on one side, cheese on the other, and the mayo/mustard and other wet ingredients on the inside.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I tried that but I don’t like it, so I generally just put everything together when I get there.

    15. Bonne chance*

      Vegetables and pita crackers with store-bought dips (hummus, tzatziki, spinach dip, etc.).
      Subs like caprese (a little jarred pesto is a good addition) or some meat/cheese/condiment combo.
      Sandwiches on regular bread like tomato with cheese and hummus, peanut butter and banana.
      Microwavable soups, with a roll if you’re feeling fancy.
      Overnight oats with a mix-in or two.
      A grain salad (like farro and broccoli) is pretty simple if you’re willing to cook for an hour once a week and eat leftovers. Burritos are another where you could make a small batch (or just buy them frozen!).

    16. PhyllisB*

      I had several lunch favorites. One of them was make a batch of plain chicken salad (to me that meant shredded chicken and mayo.) Then put add ins on different days. One day I put put in halved green grapes (red grapes work well, too) and candied (glazed) walnuts or pecans. You can also use dried cranberries, blueberries, or raising in place of grapes. Another day I would add a finely chopped apple and some sweet pickle relish. Another day a smashed boiled egg, chopped celery and sweet or dill pickle relish. Some folks like minced onions to go in this. I don’t care for onions this way. There’s also tuna or salmon salad. Serve with some crackers and maybe a cookie or pudding cup for dessert. On the chicken theme, if you have some leftover chicken (like rotisserie chicken) you can make a green salad and add shredded chicken, candied nuts, sliced strawberries and some crumbled bleu cheese. Serve with a fruity vingeratte dressing. I used to could find a strawberry one, now it’s not available I use raspberry. For the cheese,
      you can use feta or goat cheese if you don’t care for Bleu cheese. This was my son’s favorite.
      Another of my favorites was (maybe this falls into weird food category.) I love hummus (you can buy packs with individual cups.) I always put extra lemon juice in it. Serve with plain pita chips or carrot and celery sticks and for dessert I would bring strawberries and a chocolate pudding cup. I would dip the strawberries in the pudding. Very satisfying lunch!!

    18. Banana Pyjamas*

      Chia or flax pudding. Flax is super cheap, 1/4 cup flax mixed with hot water. If you make it in a cup you’ll need to stir to avoid dry patches. In a bowl you won’t NEED to stir, but I still do. For flax I like ground. For chia I only like Nativas. Whatever you do don’t get the Badia enriched ground chia, it’s really bitter and unpleasant.

  9. anyjennywaynest*

    Dear highly informed AAM commentariat: Does anyone know of a model of stationary bike (NOT recumbent if possible) which would work for a 4’11” woman? I’m recovering from knee replacement surgery, but would also like to have something for long term use. Price under $500 would be ideal. Thanks!

    1. MissGirl*

      I ride outside in the summer so I put my bike on a stand when I had surgery. Now I put it up each winter.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was in the same situation and I’m only an inch taller than you. I found an inexpensive used one on Craigslist. A lot of people buy these bikes for knee rehab and want to get rid of them afterward. Other sites to check are NextDoor or whatever the equivalent is for Freecycle where you live. Good luck with your recovery–riding the bike will definitely help improve your range of motion.

      1. anyjennywaynest*

        Oh, good idea. It has been a challenge to find mobility aids for someone my height. Thanks!

    3. noname today*

      Lenos folding adjustable upright and semi-recumbent bike might work for you—but you’ll need some help assembling it videos are better than the instructions). Got ours in 2020 and still love it. Neighbor is about your height and at the lowest/shortest level she’s comfy. But do check with them.

      1. noname today*

        Check with Lanos—not my neighbor—to see if they think it’s made for gold your height.

        1. anyjennywaynest*

          Thanks for the info about someone close to my height being able to use that brand. Seems like so many brands say “short people” when they mean 5’3″ or taller :)

  10. MissGirl*

    I NEED something to replace my Reddit scrolling with. I read a lot of the AITA and the update pages. Every time I get bored or hit a mental block, I go there and then get distracted. Reading alone doesn’t give the same feeling and requires more effort. Any suggestions?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Longreads? New York Times, Washington Post, Slate, the Atlantic, or CNN? Warning: I think that all are behind paywalls except for Longreads and CNN.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sorry, reading comprehension fail. How about the samurai sudoku site? You can work the puzzle online or print it to complete with pen or pencil.

      1. Liminality*

        If you go this route I recommend Cardgames.io it’s a wesite with Lots of kinds of games. No app necessary.

    3. HD*

      I had the same issue and just cut myself off of Reddit and similar sites. Once you get back to normal levels of dopamine things like reading books will become fun again.

      1. Ronnie*

        I used to be a big book reader (at least one book a week, often more), but gradually started wasting more and more time on websites like Reddit over the years because, yeah, mindlessly scrolling is easier than reading when I’m tired.

        I’m getting back into reading books again by abandoning books quickly if I find I’m not looking forward to/eager to read them. (I mostly get my books from the library so I don’t feel guilty about not finishing them.) I’m keeping track of the books I read vs. the ones I abandon, and I read three books for each book that I don’t finish, so I’m saving myself from wasting weeks on books that just aren’t for me and I’m reading much more. Hopefully the more I read the more it will become a fun habit again. :)

        Anyway, for MissGirl, do you like word games at all? I’ve been playing the free versions of the NY Times Connections, Strands, Wordle, and Spelling Bee if I have some time to kill but not enough time to get into a book. The games have an end point, so you kind of just do them and then finish them and then you can put your phone down (instead of endless Reddit scrolling). They’re fun and it feels good to complete them.

      2. AGD*

        I quit Bored Panda and within two weeks my life felt nice and quiet with so much less drama and no one whining about Karens.

      3. MissGirl*

        How did you cut yourself off? It’s too easy to unblock. I’ll go a few days and be back at it.

    4. PX*

      If this is on mobile, I’ve recently started using the timer app to restrict how long I can spend on it which has actually been quite helpful. It stops me mindlessly scrolling and kind of “forces” me to think about if I’m actually enjoying what I’m doing.

      In terms of replacement, well, I do tend to come on here quite often (although I’ve also cut this down) and unfortunately I can only say that the other thing I’m leaning into is doing more things in person/out of the house (ie. generally trying to be less online).

      Otherwise for feeling like there is a bit of a community aspect to things, I find some podcasts great for that as it feels like you’re sitting in on a conversation between people.

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I enjoy a lot of the word games on the NYT, especially connections! they’re not overly time consuming (especially without having an account so I can only do the free stuff).

    1. Rara Avis*

      My lovely cat woke me up last night by leaping over the door barrier (my husband is allergic so no cats in the bedroom, but it’s hot so we need air flow at night), landing atop my dresser and knocking down my hairbrush, and posing majestically there until I removed him.

    2. Might Be Spam*

      After foot surgery I had to use a walker because I kept falling over with crutches. My daughter’s cat stole a tortellini out of my lunch. There was a slow speed walker chase through several rooms with the cat holding the tortellini and looking back at me and keeping just ahead of me. I swear he was taunting me. Eventually he ate it and sauntered back like nothing happened. It has become part of the family lore that must be passed on to new members of the family.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Thanks for sharing the family lore; I’m still chuckling over the slow-motion chase image!

      2. Percy Weasley*

        The low speed chase! Eddie Lewis The Cat took to stealing plastic wrappers out of the bathroom trash in the middle of the night and crunching them LOUDLY. Awakened by the deafening reverberations of said crunching, I found myself employing the Low Speed Chase method to to catch him and retrieve his prize. Chasing a mostly black cat in the dark with no glasses or contact lenses in the middle of the night is, um, challenging. After the second night of this we acquired a trash can with a lid for the bathroom proving that sometimes money can buy happiness. EL lived to the ripe old age of 18!

        1. Figgie*

          We had to warn guests to look behind the toilet before sitting down, as one of our pure black cats would lurk back there in the shadows, wait until someone was sitting on the toilet and reach up and pat them on the ass. Scared the holy hell out of people!

          2. Love me, love my cat*

            I laughed till I cried reading this. When I finally got the tears under control, I pictured some poor shocked person “falling in” and started all over again. Funniest thing I’ve read in AAM since the dragon pajamas of 2021.

    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      The time she released a live dove in the kitchen while I was painting the cabinets. Hilarious.

    4. Harlowe*

      Many years ago, my most beautiful and stupidest cat did backwards laps around the first floor for about 45 minutes after I put an elizabethan collar on her. She earnestly thought she would eventually back out of it. You can walk a loop through our foyer and around the dining and living rooms, so as we watched TV we watched her pass the doorway each lap, and grew increasingly overcome with laughter every time she moonwalked by.

    5. RLC*

      One day thirty-odd years ago I came home and was greeted by four cats (and one Golden Retriever), all five worried faces decorated with the tiny white static prone foam pellets found in beanbag furniture. I followed an ever-deepening trail of pellets to the bedroom where the empty shell of the beanbag lay, its zipper carefully unzipped and a mound of pellets near the opening. My theory: one of the cats hooked a claw into the zipper pull, tugged it open, and the party began. Beanbag was jumped upon until all pellets ejected. Cat family included three Siamese and one Abyssinian (IYKYK). Strongly suspect dog was an innocent bystander (she was incredibly respectful of all my things), her expression was the most concerned when I walked in. I’ve never laughed so hard at something pets did.

    6. Aphrodite*

      One of my three, Dominique, has a passion for corn on the cob that far, far outshines her passion for catnip. I mean corn on the cob, raw or cooked, in the leaves or out of them, is like crack cocaine for her. She zeroes in on any grocery bag that has them. She is at the refrigerator the second it opens if there is corn in there; she can detect it instantly and perfectly. She will eat any part of it.

      I googled “cats + corn the cob” before I realized her madness. She had actually gotten hold of one of the leaves and eaten the entire thing, I couldn’t believe it. I thought I had misplaced the leaf but no, about twenty-four hours later I found the upchucked contents, thoroughly mangled, dark, wet. The whole leaf. Which, I suppose, was fortunate given that googling it turned up the facts that corn on the cob is a very bad idea for cats.

      So now I had to guard any of the corn, which I love as much as she does, though I do let her lick the cob and nibble on a few kernels when I have finished.

      My three cats are all crazy about human food but Dominique more than Chloe and Noelle. Another of their favorites is hot salsa. They haven’t had the opportunity to try butter yet but I wonder if they will be as crazy about it as other cats.

      While they can sample a lot of things, the operative word is “sample.” I know to keep any samples very small and infrequent.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        To be fair, with names like that, I expect them to be a tax accountant, an intellectual property lawyer, and a corn factory supervisor.

    7. Mireya*

      My cat and I were in our apartment courtyard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her leaping into the air after a butterfly, near the edge of our swimming pool.

      I told her to get back. Then the next thing I knew, SPLASH!

      By the time I got up and reached the pool’s edge, she wasn’t in the water. Fortunately she must have popped up right away, and definitely zipped back into our apartment super-fast.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This reminds me:

        I was filling a bath, and found a puddle of water outside the bathroom. After a brief panic that there was some sort of plumbing leak I noticed more puddles going halfway down the stairs, leading to a sopping wet Destructobot. I caught her in a towel and dried her off, but she wants you to know that nothing happened.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Kittens were about six months older than puppy.

      The Spanish Inquisition: I am going to parkour an elaborate route over the downstairs.
      Puppy: Me too! (attempts to run sideways across broom closet, immediately falls to ground, is mystified.

      Kittens: While it seems really incompetent, it is our duty to teach the puppy how to survive and hunt its own food. Here, we have cornered the mouse for you.
      Puppy: PAT THE MOUSE?
      Kittens: Oh dear god.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have told this story many times, but :) I am not a cat person, so I was standing in the lobby of the humane society waiting for my now-husband to snuggle every cat in the place and pick out the two he was taking home. Suddenly I could not move my head. After carefully feeling around my bun to see why, I asked a nearby volunteer, “Can you go tell that guy in the green shirt that his cat has his girlfriend by the head out here?” The empty kennel behind me was not empty, it contained a nine month old ball of shadow who had summoned up every ounce of courage she would ever have in the rest of her life to reach out of the kennel and tangle her claws into my bun and the hairband around my head, and cling on for dear life.

      W came out and untangled her from my head and she shifted her death grip to the front of his shirt. He said “Well, there’s one!” Volunteer says “One what?” I said “He came here for two cats. One down, one to go.”

      Turns out, she was in the lobby in quarantine because her sister was in the sick bay with an eye infection. And that is how the scarediest cat in the world blew her entire life supply of courage to get her and her sister out of the shelter and into the home of the biggest sucker on two feet. (Him, not me. She’s now lived with us for nine years and she still flees for cover when I walk into the room because chicken.)

      2. allathian*

        Cats are funny. My husband is quite allergic, and when we first got serious, my parents had two cats. When we visited them, I’d greet them as I always did. He tried to ignore them as much as possible, so naturally they’d do anything to get his attention. Their favorite thing was to headbutt him, or if he was sitting on the couch, jump on his lap. He eventually learned that the best way to get them to ignore him was to greet them, let them smell his hand, and then wash his hands.

      3. Seal*

        The little black kitten who did that to me is now a 12-year-old lovable devil kitty. There’s no such thing as going to the shelter just to look.

    10. Slinky*

      One of my cats has started chasing shadows. If we dangle a toy for her, she will choose the chase the shadow instead of the toy. I think that she thinks it’s hard mode. When she first started this behavior, she would chase her own shadow and basically start running in tight circles, batting at the shadow of her own tail.

      The other cat has the most incredible balance I’ve ever seen in a cat and will stand on just her back legs for up to a minute at a time. This is especially true if she’s trying to hunt bugs. She knows this makes her taller (though not tall enough to reach the ceiling, which she doesn’t seem to ever learn), so she will just stand on her hind legs, essentially waving her front paws over her head as if trying to magic bugs down to her.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      Stepmom’s sister brought real camel woolen socks from Kyrgyzstan for gifts for everyone last Thanksgiving.
      My dummy orange twins decided these socks are The Enemy and proceeded to fight them for at least an hour.
      Also, one of them routinely rolls off the couch while getting belly rubs.

    12. HipsandMakers*

      My childhood cat was the less-dominant cat when we brought her and her sister home, but after her sister died (at a young age), she decided she was the alpha of the entire house. This included bending all humans to her will when it came to food.

      She accepted that there was a concept called “dinner time”, but she knew precisely when said dinner was supposed to happen and how to insist upon being served. We had a relatively square eat-in kitchen with the “functional L” on two walls and the round dining table closer to the opposite corner, leaving a usable but narrow walkway around the table. She would jump up onto the dining chair closest to the refrigerator and stand up on the back of it to meow as a reminder. If this did not immediately capture anyone’s attention, she would wait until someone walked by the chair (again, the design of the kitchen made this inevitable), then reach out and whack the inattentive human to get their attention.

      Should this not immediately result in said human apologizing and making gestures toward food preparation, she would deign to jump down from the chair and walk over to the flatware drawer (conveniently next to the fridge). She would stretch with all her might and tap the drawer: “Silly human. This is where the forks live. Get one out and feed me!”

      It still makes me laugh.

    13. A313*

      My cat tumbled and fumbled his way from my sister’s bedroom, down the stairs, making quite a ruckus. Finally tracked him all entangled in one of her bras, which I’m guessing she left on the floor. Quite the sight! Miss him so much!

    14. Jackalope*

      So many stories but here are two.

      At the end of June we got a little void kitten (void = all black, for those who aren’t familiar) who had just had surgery to remove an eye due to a bad infection. When she stands up and arches her back she looks just like one of those cute Halloween cat decorations you can find everywhere in October. And she loves to do that! Recently she was trying to instigate a game of chase with one of the older cats who was coming upstairs. She ran towards him at a gallop, and then turned sideways with her blind side towards him and galloped SIDEWAYS in the Halloween cat pose, all the way across the landing. I guess she thought just running directly towards him was easy mode? She looked so funny bouncing up and down while galloping. Sideways.

      The other story is for one of our 3 year old cats. She has this love for chasing wands. And it’s super convenient when she’s bored that she has a long flexible wand that basically follows her around and doesn’t get dropped by humans when we get tired of playing. But she still on the regular (after 3 years of this) gets astonished, hurt, and confused when her fun game of chase and catch the wand is disturbed by someone biting her tail.

    15. Crop Tiger*

      My orange cat stole two asparagus spears off my husband’s plate and ran around the house looking like a walrus.

    16. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      My sister and I were sitting at the kitchen table, discussing one of our cats who looks rather ungainly but is still a cat and thus generally quite nimble. “It’s amazing how graceful she is anyway,” I was saying, and literally as the last word was coming out of my mouth, the cat in question came zooming into the kitchen, attempted to jump up onto the nearby windowsill, misjudged her speed and/or the distance, faceplanted full-tilt into the window screen, bounced off with limbs a-flailing, and then walked away quite dignified as if nothing had happened at all. The event itself was hilarious enough, but the timing of it with my comment was truly unbelievable.

      Another one of our cats likes to chill in one of the closets that holds litter boxes. Freshly cleaned or in need of scooping, doesn’t matter! It’s his favorite hangout spot. Why does he love sleeping next to the toilet so much?! I’ll never understand.

    17. peter b*

      Jumped on the toilet seat behind me as I was sitting down, and when I felt something unexpected and furry on my bare bottom, I shouted. Spooked us both, but I blame him.

    18. carcinization*

      One of our 2 cats was making many noises of alarm late one night while my husband and I were trying to sleep. My husband and I tried to ignore her but eventually had to get up to see what was wrong. She had “caught” a bow (the stick-on plastic-y kind like one puts on a gift) and was carrying it around in her mouth and it was entirely wet with her saliva. I guess she thought it was some sort of terrible insect that would have killed us all in our sleep otherwise.

    19. Slinky*

      Oh, another one! One of my cats managed to make a Teams call once. She sat on my laptop, and despite being a very tiny kitten (only about 5 pounds), I could not get her to move. Then, I start hearing the happy chime Teams makes when it’s calling someone. I died a little, still trying to remove the kitten from the keyboard and wondering who the heck she was calling (and also, how!). It turned out she had called one of my direct reports who was understandably anxious to be getting a call out of the blue from her manager. Fortunately, she is also a cat owner and, when I explained what happened, she also found it funny.

    20. Animal Lover*

      My two enjoy looking up at me while we go up the stairs. Then they inevitably trip and stumble because they’re not watching where they’re going. It’s both adorable and hilarious, but you’d think they’d have learned at some point…

    21. Panda Bandit*

      We had a cat who would get on top of the fridge so he could then dive into the kitchen trashcan in search of snacks. The only way to stop him was by getting a heavy duty trashcan with a lid

    22. Six Feldspar*

      Of our two childhood cats (brothers):
      – one used to steal the bits of bread the neighbours would leave on their lawn for the birds, and show up at the back door doing the special Look Human I Am Mighty Hunter miaow
      – the other one used to catch live cicadas and walk around with them buzzing in his mouth, making a noise like a phone vibrating on a table

    23. noncomitally anonymous*

      I had a cat once who invented kitty armor. He took a box and flipped it upside down over him. I noticed this when I saw the box crawling along the floor through the dining room. It took him no time at all to realize that he could crawl up to his sibling, stick out one paw just enough to smack his sibling, and then retreat back under the box. He kept this up for *weeks* and got really good at overturning the box onto himself.

  12. Rice-noodle salad*

    I’d like to make a vegetarian rice-noodle salad to bring to a potluck on Labor Day. I have ideas about what vegs to include, but I’m hoping to get a good recipe for the dressing that uses standard US-supermarket ingredients.

    1. tab*

      I use this for an asian Chicken salad. It’s adapted from Bon Appetite. You can leave out the cayenne if you don’t like spice.
      5 tablespoons peanut butter (not freshly ground)
      ¼ cup low-salt chicken or vegetable broth
      3 tablespoons rice vinegar
      3 tablespoons soy sauce
      2 teaspoons sugar
      1 tablespoon sesame oil
      1 tablespoon minced peeled fresh ginger
      1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

    2. Feeling Feline*

      Do you have any special dietary requirements, especially allegens you want to avoid? I make a mean authentic Asian one, because that’s where I’m from. However, we do peanuts.

    3. Blue Cactus*

      If peanut noodle salad is acceptable, I really like the peanut lime dressing from Budget Bytes!

    4. NotBatman*

      I’ve found dressing a similar dish with 1 part soy sauce, 1 part Sriracha works pretty well. That said, if you know any coworkers are sensitive to spice then this might not be the ticket.

    5. KTNZ*

      This is going to be annoying because I don’t measure it, but my go to dressing for just about any kind of salad is:
      – Olive oil (maybe like half a cup? This the the thing you add the most of)
      – Tablespoon of Lemon juice/apple cider vingerar/whatever acid you have on hand
      – Spoonful or two of Dijon mustard
      – Minced garlic
      – Mixed Italian herbs
      – Maple syrup (or honey, or brown sugar as you prefer)
      – Salt and and pepper

      And then just mix until combined. You can add and subtract ingrediants according to your preferences – it’s extremely forgiving.

  13. Bunnybunbunion*

    I got some advice a bit ago but can’t find it now: any specific shoe recommendations for someone with a bunion? Especially if it’s only on one foot? I’m looking for something that can be pulled off as a business casual and/or dressy shoe.

    2. Helvetica*

      Vivaia seems to be working well for bunions (this from a friend who swears by them) and they have nice options for shoes to wear at work.

    4. Usually Lurking*

      Dansko have been my go-to, and I have a BIG bunion on one foot. They’ve got a big enough toe box that they are quite comfortable and don’t look assymetrical.

  14. AM to Ireland*

    Hi everyone,

    Hello everyone! I am helping plan a trip to Ireland next May for three adults, with stops in Shannon, Kilkenny, Killarney, and Dublin. Does the commentariat have any recommendations for activities/attractions of a moderate activity level, with a focus on historical sites, culture, and food?

    Thanks!

    1. ghost_cat*

      My 3 favourite things in Ireland were: hire a bike and take it on a boat from Ross Castle to then ride the Gap of Dunloe, take the boat to Inishmore and hire a bike to ride out to Dún Aonghasa, and the other is to take a boat to Skellig Michael (and as a bonus, you will be there for the puffin season). Honorable mention to Jerpoint Abbey.

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      In Killarney, Muckross House and Ross Castle are great. you could probably walk from Muckross House to Torc waterfall or you could take a jarvey cart (horse cart).

      In Dublin, Kilmainham Gaol is a must visit. I’d also recommend the Chester Beatty library. And if you have time, a day trip to Newgrange, which is a Neolithic passage tomb. (tickets sell out fast so you’ll want to buy online well before.)

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Kilmainham Gaol definitely and I’d also recommend the GPO Museum and the National Museum.

        If you (AM to Ireland), get a chance, it would also be worth seeing if there is anything on in the Abbey Theatre, Ireland’s national theatre. And see if you can get to a hurling or camogie (or even a Gaelic Football) match at Croke Park or just book a tour of Croke Park and the GAA museum. https://bookings.gaamuseum.ie/

    3. Ismis*

      The weather in May (any time of year really!) can be a bit hit or miss so don’t plan on sunny days or even warm weather.

      Dublin isn’t a huge city so most of it is walkable, but there are hop on/hop off bus tours that hit the main attractions. Here are some ideas based on your interests:

      – GPO (look up the 1916 rising – apparently the museum is great)
      – Kilmainham Gaol
      – Lidl on Aungier Street (it’s a supermarket but they found historical remains underneath and you can walk around and look through glass panels in the floor)
      – Christchurch Cathedral and Dublinia
      – Dublin Castle & the Chester Beatty library
      – Trinity College: Book of Kells & the Old Library
      – Collins Barracks museum
      – GAA museum at Croke Park (museum of Gaelic sports)

      As ghost_cat mentioned, Skellig Michael is near Killarney. Bonus points for Skellig if you are a Star Wars fan. The Dingle Peninsula also has a number of historical sites, such as Gallarus Oratory (believed to be over 1000 years old).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have been to all of these things except the Lidl and agree entirely, to the point where I don’t actually have to make my own list.

        1. Ismis*

          Thanks for the validation!

          I had no idea what to say about food… I mean – there’s eating and drinking in Guinness but I don’t think that’s what AM to Ireland was after!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Actually, now that you mention Guinness, I might add the Jameson distillery if it’s of interest, haha. But otherwise, I didn’t have any particular recollections for food suggestions either. :)

            1. Ismis*

              I’m actually Irish but not a foodie!

              I guess what’s great about Ireland is the local, fresh produce. Try some brown bread, smoked salmon, butter and cheese, fresh fish, and you absolutely have to try a full Irish breakfast! Leo Burdocks in Dublin used to be the gold standard for fish and chips (they still might be – I haven’t lived there in a while).

              Irish pubs aren’t just about alcohol – many have great carvery lunches/dinners and Sunday roasts.

              If you want to go full local, chicken fillet roll from a petrol station (no joke – with mayo, cheese, and black pudding for my favourite variation), a Tayto sandwich with white bread and butter, a 3-in-1, or a spice bag.

      2. Forensic13*

        Oh, heads-up that the Book of Kells (and maybe the old library; I forget) won’t be on display next year. They’re doing a massive remodel.

    4. Forensic13*

      I was just in Dublin and Kilkenny for this summer! Second the Dublin activities, especially the Gaol.

      For Kilkenny, we quite like Kilkenny Castle and strolling around the area around it. I’d suggest skipping the Medieval Mile museum unless you’re REALLY into medieval history; it’s well put-together but small and there’s a lot of stuff that are reproductions, so we were personally underwhelmed. There’s a lot of nice shopping but also-touristy shopping in Kilkenny, so heads-up that if you’re arriving on Friday or Saturday it might be SLAMMED with daytrippers.

  15. Isabel Archer*

    The speed round question about whether Alison prefers paper books or e-books inspired this post, so shout-out to whoever asked it!

    Alison’s answer (that she never imagined this would be the case, but e-books) intrigued me, because I’m ride or die on paper books and assumed I’d always be, but clearly folks like me can change. The AAM commentariat clearly has MANY book lovers, so I ask: which do you prefer and why? And more importantly, if you switched your allegiance ;-) from paper to electronic, what was the main reason?

    And if anyone wants to go even deeper on this topic, does your age inform your preference? I’m Gen-X, so obviously I pre-date all forms of electronic media by…a lot. It’s possible that some of my paper preference is just that that’s all there was when I was a kid and young adult.

    1. MissGirl*

      I’m 90% real books but I also have access to a great county library. I do a few ebooks for self-help type stuff. I’m not a huge fan of reading on a screen.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        A small factor in deciding to stay put and remodel is that we are in an excellent public library network, and it’s easy to get most books I might want to read.

    2. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Millennial – I’m still a paper book person. I had an e-reader for a while and used it when I was going abroad for a few months at a time, but that period in my life ended and I found I never used it when I had the choice. I like to see my favourite books there on my shelf as old friends, so that is part of it, although I’m also an avid user of our local library given my reading interests and pace far outstrip my book budget! But even then, I prefer to go and pick up a copy, even if it means waiting on a holds list.

      1. Jamie Starr*

        I like to see my favourite books there on my shelf as old friends

        Yes. I don’t write in my books anymore, but the ones I read when I was in college and grad school are full of underlining and margin notes. It’s interesting to see what I thought was important, or what I thought the meaning of something was.

        Also, you can’t have an e-book signed! I have several exhibition catalogues signed by artists. One artist was so touched when I approached him after a lecture and asked him to sign a catalogue of a small solo exhibition he’d had in a completely different city 5+ years earlier. I don’t think artists get asked to sign books very often. :-)

      2. Isabel Archer*

        Amen to our old friends on the shelf! “I found I never used it when I had the choice” is maybe how the preference creates itself.

    3. acmx*

      I’m Gen X and I only read paper however there was a time I did read ebooks (read a lot more then maybe I should try it again lol).
      I just prefer paper and I think it’s better on my eyes. I don’t need more time on my phone or a screen.

    4. Jamie Starr*

      I prefer physical books. I also prefer vinyl records and CDs to streaming or flac/mp3 files. I think having the physical object forces you to be more present in the moment. You feel the heft of the book (an e-reader is always the same weight); the paperstock – is it thin or heavier? matte or with a bit of a sheen? the typeface – what does it say about the content?; you have to turn the page not just scroll or push a button. The book might have a new book smell, or a musty old book smell. If you’re reading a book with end notes, it’s easier to reference them as you read.

      We’re so inundated with screens – phones, laptops, billboards, television – that an actual book breaks all of that up. It’s also easier to see what other people are reading if it’s a book. I’ve looked up books based on what I’ve seen other people reading on the subway and had people comment/ask me about the book I’m reading.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        I agree with you all of this, but can you elaborate on the relationship between the typeface and what it says about the content?

        1. Jamie Starr*

          I don’t know! Figuring it out is part of the fun, right? Like personally, I think a serif font is more academic and serious. If I was reading a critical theory book, but it was in Helvetica it might seem weird. (Unless it was graphic design theory maybe?) Is it a font where some of the letters look “old timey” (not sure how to describe it)? Does that relate to the time period in which the book takes place?

          Thought goes into the chosen font, the paper, the jacket cover, the line spacing — it’s all meant to work together to convey a concept. (Presumably.) That’s why I prefer vinyl — you have to listen the songs in the order the artist wanted – no skipping ahead, unless you physically get up and move the needle. The sleeve and liner notes that might give you extra insight.

          I just think people don’t spend as much time considering the book (or album) as a whole concept/work of art if it’s just on a screen – treated the same as the emails from their boss, text alert from the bank, latest news alert, etc.

          1. Isabel Archer*

            Thanks for elaborating! The cover art, jacket design, fonts for the cover all make sense, and I like to think I do take them in as part of the reading experience. And there’s always the page at the end which names the font selection for the actual text. I guess I always thought publishers had to do that, maybe for some arcane legal reason? Can’t say I’ve ever noticed a connection to the type of story. Fascinating!

            1. Reba*

              It’s called the colophon, nowadays they are more associated with small/private press books, but as a practice the colophon actually predates the printing press!

    5. Morning Reader*

      I love paper books and I think they are one of the greatest inventions in history. But, I usually read or listen to books on my tablet.
      I still can, mostly, read print books. Not paperbacks, the print is too small, but sometimes large print or regular, if the lighting is good. So I do, once in a while.
      I’m sure it’s a function of my age, both preferring to expand my text size, and being comfortable with reading on a screen, since I’ve been doing it for at least 30 years. (Read lots of trek fanfict pre-web.) Mostly the e is more convenient and physically easier, and with audio I can do other things while I’m reading. Also can check out and return without physically going to the library.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      I’m a late-boomer and I read ebooks almost exclusively. It’s easy to get library books and always have them handy in case I have to wait somewhere. When I read in bed, I don’t have to wear my glasses because I can adjust the font size.
      Some people prefer the feel of paper, so I don’t think it’s age-related. For me it’s convenience-related.

      1. Pam99*

        I am a mid-Boomer and also prefer ebooks. I consistently read +100 Books a year but also travel, usually by bicycle, and had to carry a lot of unnecessary weight to keep feeding my addiction. Discovering that I could borrow ebooks (and audiobooks) from the library was life-changing. I now belong to four libraries so I can keep several books going wherever I am (a lot cheaper than buying Kindle books). The experience is less physical, as in, I don’t care about the smell or the feel of the book. I do still get a thrill from a bookstore, though.

        1. Pam99*

          I learned to appreciate ebooks by reading old novels on the Gutenberg site in order to look busy during dead times at the office.

      2. Double A*

        Yeah I commented but convenience is a big part for me because I have small kids. Also I pretty much I only read books from the library and I live in a rural area and my library is a 20 minute drive away, and I only go into town once a week so it is more resource intensive for me to check out physical books.

        However ebooks are very popular in my county so sometimes there’s long waits and then I request the paper book which rarely have waits.

    7. tab*

      I like e-books for the convenience, and the ability to increase the font size as I age and my vision degrades. I also LOVE that I can effortlessly look up any new word I come across. But, I still miss the smell of a new book….

    8. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Millennial here and while I vastly prefer the way a paper book feels to my hands and eyes, there are more and more books lately that I’ve just had an easier time getting as an ebook, and also I absolutely refuse to travel with a paper book anymore, that’s just dead weight and wasted space that could go to literally anything else more useful. In truth, I mostly only buy paper books anymore if I’ve read something that I love so much that I feel the need to buy multiple copies so that I can send it to all my nerdy friends and demand they read it, too.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        Agree that travel is the time an ereader can really shine. If I want get a book immediately I’ll do ereaders (particularly if I can get it through the library) but certainly a paper book is preferred. Elder millennial.

        1. Isabel Archer*

          Yeah, this is the reason I hear the most from friends who travel a lot. Totally rational and practical. Although paper books never need charging!

    9. tabloidtainted*

      Millennial & physical. I can’t stand reading e-books. The feel and smell and weight of a book, the look of the text on a page, the precise design, are all part of the experience.

    10. Harlowe*

      I’m Gen X and my aged eyes are what converted me to reading on a tablet/phone. Being able to switch font size is a godsend, as is dark mode. Surprisingly, I need to be able to change font families as well. Serifs no longer agree with me.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m on the cusp between gen x and millennial, depending on which cutoff you use, and I have read one hard copy book in four years. (Out of about 750 total. My mom missed that I had requested it in kindle format and got me hard copy for Christmas.) Pretty much all of the reading I do is either in bed in the dark – at which point I don’t want to have to go turn the light off – or on vacation where space is at a premium. And the majority of my books come from the library, so I can get them without actually making extra trips to pick up and return. (And no more late fees. The book returns itself.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Username checks out :) I’m way behind this year, only at #89 finished (with two more in progress), but usually I finish a year with around 200 or so books on my read list.

      2. Rose is a rose is a rose*

        Between my hard-copy library books and my library e-books I’m at 139 nooks read so far for the year, but that doesn’t include books I’ve bought or borrowed from other sources. I’m an elder millennial, and my reading is probably fairly equally split between e-books and paper books. I have within the past couple years started listening to audiobooks much more often, partially thanks to a job that is conducive to listening while working. I have found that I enjoy listening to a book after I have read it – I’m a fast reader and sometimes miss things while reading that I will take in in the audiobook.

    12. Alex*

      I’m 43 and honestly I don’t care much either way. Both are great!

      What I like about an ebook is that you can read it one handed while snuggling under blankets on a cold day. Also, it always saves your place.

      What I like about a paper book is that you have a better feel for how far along you are. Yes, I know there is the % shown on an ebook, but sometimes I like to see “Ok, one more page until the next chapter” or just have a feel for how far along in a story I am.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        Sometimes that percent is deceptive too, like there’s a lot of back matter or an index you weren’t expecting so it turns out you’re done but didn’t realize how close you were.

    13. Rara Avis*

      Gen-x. I use my kindle mainly when traveling to lighten the load. We also own way too many books, so if there’s a new release from a favorite author and I’m not willing to wait in the library hold line, I’ll buy an ebook.

    14. ElsieD*

      I was “Yes! Me too!” when I read that reply, and I’ve been a bookworm since the 1950s. I read on my tablet or phone, Libby and Kobo, because I have arthritis and poor eye sight now which makes some books difficult. My problem is that we have always moved around but lived in small communities often without bookstores, so I amassed a library of 5000+ books over the years which moved with us! Now I can buy new books and reread old favourites on my devices without searching my shelves- but what can I do with my books?

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Ok I have to ask, are your five thousand books in boxes, or do you have a library, complete with fireplace, wingback chairs, and one of those rolling ladders for your floor-to-ceiling shelves?

        1. ElsieD*

          We have moved with books in boxes (movers put up their estimate when they see them) as well as many many IKEA shelves, which are the first things put up when we arrive. Since retirement staying in one place, we have a living room with pretty high shelves on 2 walls, the fireplace alcove has a waist-high bookcase, and the books are respectable- history, biogs, old uni lit, modern fiction, and all those tall books clumped together on the bottom shelves. And downstairs, around 4 walls, are hardbacks and paperbacks- murders, fantasy, sci fi, romance, and all my childhood favourites! Not everything has become an ebook yet, so I am glad I can reread paper when I want to.

      2. carcinization*

        ElsieD, not sure where you live of course, but where I live there are stores called Half Price Books that buy books from individuals and then re-sell them. Years ago I was always disappointed when I tried to sell bags of books there and only made $5-10, but recently I have gotten much more money for books, not sure if I have more expensive taste now or if they are paying more. The closest one of these stores to me is a 45 minute drive or so away, so it’s not convenient to do all the time, but I sell books there 2 or 3 times a year and only keep the ones I really liked.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      I can see plenty of good reasons for ebooks–weight, accessibility for different communities and so on–but yeah, it’s physical books for me or nope for two big reasons:

      One, my eyes get tired reading a screen for too long, and more importantly, specific physical books mean a LOT to me. My copy of Collette’s collected short stories, signed Connie Willis novels, the string of collected Margaret Millar books whose spines have a lovely visual joke when lined up right. They smell and look and feel a certain way that are bonded to my brain centers.

      (For instance, I finally read my first paperback of Dracula to death–the one that had the painting “Man and Woman Contemplating the Moon” on the cover–and haven’t been able to locate a replacement. I have three copies on hand currently but am still on the search.)

      2. Roland*

        > One, my eyes get tired reading a screen for too long

        Just want to mention that this isn’t really a concern with e-ink (so like a normal Kindle vs a tablet – Amazon should never have included a tablet in the Kindle line…) Of course you should do whatever you prefer but if you’re ever curious, e-ink is pretty magical.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Yes! I get no fatigue from my e-inc. I never read books on my phone or my tablet, but a dedicated e-reader reads like a book.

    16. Aphrodite*

      I like paper (no e-books for me) but I have come to prefer audio books. I love being read to as long as the books are unabridged. An interesting self-discovery for me was that I love fiction like mysteries and thrillers in audio but would never read them. (I am and have always been a nonfiction reader, though I have read some of the great classics like Tolstoy, Austen, Dickens, etc.)

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Sounds like that could be a whole other thread! Genres you listen to but would never actually read.

    17. Cleo*

      GenX and I mostly read ebooks. They’re so convenient and I can acquire as many as I want without having to buy another book shelf.

    18. Magdalena*

      I love the convenience of ebooks – I live in Poland but do most of my reading in English which means my local bookstore most likely won’t have the book, and it seems wasteful to order a physical copy that only one person will read.
      But if I really like a book I order a physical copy so I can lend it to friends and look at it on my shelf.

      What I like about physical books is also that the publisher or Amazon can’t take it away – with ebooks there’s always at least a theoretical risk they’ll pull the book from your device and refund the money because you don’t really own the book.

      If I want to support an author I often buy the audiobook version as well.

    19. RagingADHD*

      It’s not like I refuse to read e-books, but I do prefer paper.

      I seem to always be bumping or tapping things I didn’t mean to (thanks, ADHD!) and so I lose my place or the screen controls and menus pop over, etc. It’s just enough low-level frustration that I can’t get truly sucked into the story.

      The same thing happens when I’m browsing the internet, but it isn’t as annoying because the web isn’t an immersive experience anyway.

      I doubt generation is a factor, because I’d be just as twitchy if I were younger. Probably more, because I’ve mellowed out a lot from being tired.

    20. Deuce of Gears*

      I had to look this up but I’m Gen X?

      I prefer ebooks for novels, paper for nonfiction, especially if it’s something like art instruction or it’s a military history text with bunches of maps. My purchasing tilts heavily toward nonfiction because it’s invariably work-related; I read very few novels these days, and read very slowly overall. I’m actively trying to destash the paper books even though I enjoy them because of space reasons, and to be honest if it weren’t for work-related reasons, I could ditch a large number of the nonfiction too. In an ideal world, I’d also be able to purchase PDF or epub versions of the nonfiction, but a lot of it is out of print and/or unavailable in those formats unless I scan it myself.

      I “own” a lot of books on Kindle although cynically speaking, I expect they can go away at any time on that end. I like ereaders, and I really like being able to change font size and use a search function, but for fast lookup nothing beats physically paging through a book I know because half my memory is tactile. Also, I live on the Gulf Coast and survived power outages due to hurricane and everything-outages due to flood. Ebooks have the benefit of portability and being able to be backed up; evacuating a house full of 1,000+ books in 15 minutes because of a flood is really not a thing. On the other hand, if you don’t have power for longer than your ereader lasts or you’re stuck in a shelter, it’s nice to have some backup hardcopy books! (I personally include a couple decks of cards and dice, small board games, and “lite” TTRPGs, etc. in my go bag for that kind of thing.) So it’s this balancing act. :]

      2. RussianInTexas*

        If you keep your e-reader in the airplane mode, the charge will literally last multiple weeks.
        You can also download the book files to a non-kindle drive as a backup.

        1. Deuce of Gears*

          In a hurricane/flood situation one might in fact be dealing with multiple weeks without power, ask me how I know. :] So I’d deffo *have* the ereader! But I would also have something that didn’t rely on a power outlet.

      3. Nicki Name*

        Gen X and paper forever. Between my job, my online socializing, and playing video games, I cling to anything that lets me not stare at a screen for a while. If I’m traveling and I finish the book I’m reading, well, there’s usually someplace I can buy another book.

    21. Filosofickle*

      I was devoted 100% to paper books until a little over a year ago and now I’m almost all digital. I’m mid GenX.

      For me it started with accessibility. At that time my mobility was hampered, so books needed to come to me. Plus I’d moved to a town with a teeny tiny local library, so my pickings were VERY slim anyway and I usually don’t buy books. Now I read so many so fast (currently reading a book every day), digital books are the only way I can have enough titles on hand to suit my mood and pace without having to physically schlep dozens of books regularly. Growing up that’s what I did because I had to, but that’s not necessary anymore.

      What’s fully converted me is the convenience of not having to hold them while reading. Some books feel great in the hand and that’s something I really enjoyed, but books can also be heavy and awkward. At home i read on an iPad which sits like an easel in front of me (usually on a pillow) and I find that quite comfortable. Away from home I carry a Kindle — I never have to make space for books in my suitcase again! Lots of books for little weight.

      What discouraged me at first is that my county library’s Libby options are meager and it’s been necessary to collect cards from multiple library systems. Still, lots of older titles I search for are missing. The second issue I’ve had is that reading on a digital device can mess with my eyes — when I do read paper it’s because I’m getting headaches from too many devices.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        100% hear you on this. That big fat bestseller can be unwieldy in certain settings (or can break your nose if you fall asleep reading it in bed.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          First I switched from hard copy to iPad, and then from iPad to iPhone, and my favorite explanation (albeit not the only one, I commented earlier) is that my phone hurts less when I fall asleep reading and drop it on my face. Because I do. A lot.

    22. Jay*

      I’m a later X’er and I’m a committed E-Book fanatic.
      I have a whole library on my phone and tablet and I can take them all with me everywhere I go!
      It makes everything from long lines at the grocery store to lunch breaks at work (when I remember to take them, anyways!) more pleasant.
      The fact that I can adjust the font size and boldness and the color and brightness of the screen make them so much easier on my rapidly aging eyes. I would be reduced to choosing between large print books (comparatively rare and expensive) or chronic headaches (deeply unpleasant) without those options.

    23. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Elder millennial here. I spend enough time in front of a screen every day that, at least for reading for leisure, my strong preference is a paper book.

      That said, discovering my local library is on the Libby app had me shift habits for a worthwhile reason. I now have two books on the go at any time, one being a Libby ebook I can read on my phone when I wake up at silly hours and want to keep relaxing in bed. Takes a lot of the sting out of being a morning person and not really wanting to, and I get to read a lot more every year for free.

      1. Double A*

        Same! Also elder millennial and I often have a physical book and one or two ebooks going at once. I tend to read “harder” books in physical form and lighter stuff on e-reader.

    24. Decidedly Me*

      Millennial – strong preference for physical books. I do end up reading a fair number of ebooks since I have those while traveling after once taking 4 books and still needing to visit a bookstore on vacation! My partner is ebook only, so if it’s a book we’re both really wanting to read, we’ll get it as an ebook.

      I like buying books because I like seeing them on my shelf, but that means I’m filling out a lot of shelves, so I’ve been contemplating whether I need to use the library more (though I prefer paperback to hardback) or switch to more ebooks…..

    25. The Prettiest Curse*

      I am Gen X and can’t read e-books. I read text on a screen too fast for book reading purposes, but reading on paper slows me down enough that I don’t constantly have to re-read. I also find the aesthetics of books on paper very satisfying, though I am running out of bookshelf space!

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Yes, for sure. My brain definitely equates reading on screens with reading quickly to gain information, or with working, so I find it challenging to slow down and really read for pleasure if it’s not paper. (Except for AAM, of course!)

    26. Feeling Feline*

      Millennial. Paper books for luxury, eBooks for practical reading, but eInk only. I’m just not wealthy enough to have excess space for paper books.

    27. Abroad*

      Both! I’m almost 40, whatever generation that makes me. I can’t read on anything backlit, so it is e-ink or physical for me. Obviously, vacation is where ebooks shine, as well as with the light off in bed when my husband is sleeping.

      I live abroad, so access to English books is limited–I can order them, but there’s not as much browsing possible in bookstores and libraries that lead to serendipitous finds. For classics, anything in the public domain, ebooks are gold: there are great free copies for download instead of expensive and long ordering times. I ALWAYS go non proprietary; that is important to me. So no kindle or similar where access can be revoked any time. I can also then share with e.g. my husband.

      That said, I do love physical books. If I have to pay lots of money anyway (newer ebooks are not cheaper here), then I’ll order physical. I can always pass them on here if I don’t want to keep them.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        You’d be a Millennial. Generally, Millennials are considered to be born between around 1981 or 1982 and the mid-90s.

    28. Outside Earthling*

      It was me who asked that question in the speed round! I love these sorts of threads and was curious whether Alison had made the switch wholesale to ebooks. I have switched and now also read ebooks exclusively, specifically Kindle. I love it. It’s my favorite ever purchase. I am Gen X. Reasons are the heaviness of paper books (even paperbacks feel cumbersome to me now), the fact that I can cuddle my dog with one hand and read with the other, the ability to lie down in my bed and hold the Kindle in one hand without strain, the ability to change the font and layout to get it just how I like it every time, the space it saves and the convenience of having all my books in one place.

    29. Claire*

      I love both. E-books are super convenient, I can carry tons of them around at once, I can buy them while on the bus to work, preorders download automatically, and they don’t take up more space in my flat which is important. My devices sync my progress so I can move from my phone to my Kindle to my tablet as suits.

      But I do still love reading physical books, and I buy paper copies of all my favourite books because I also enjoy them as objects. I also enjoy the security of knowing I own it for real, and that Amazon or whoever can’t take it away if they chose to.

      Reading physical books tends to be an at home activity now, and reading on my Kindle/phone/tablet is for when I’m on the bus, waiting for someone, or just chilling outdoors.

    30. SemiAnon*

      GenX

      I love physical books, but I moved overseas to a non-English speaking country about 5 years before ebooks really took off. I had to get rid of most of ~2000 paper books at that point due to shipping costs and last of space. I have a small apartment, the high humidity means that books get mildewed unless I run A/C 24/7 (including in winter), and there’s a very limited selection of English genre fiction available, either in bookstores or libraries. So I went ebooks. Amazon used to charge a $1 international wireless delivery fee for all out of the US ebook sales, which sucked, but they got rid of that.

      I do like my ereader a lot now; I have an 8″ eInk reader, which I find much easier on the eyes than a tablet. It’s light enough that I can hold it in one hand, it’s great for travel, and I can adjust the font size, which is becoming more important. Plus I can load Project Gutenberg and Faded Page books onto it for free.

      I compensate for the lack of physical books to organize by having exquisitely organized metadata for my ebook collection. I have kept hold of my paper collection of Pratchett Discworld novels, though.

    31. Cordelia*

      Gen X, and it’s paper books all the way for me. I did get a kindle because I really do see all the arguments for it, but I just never used it and ended up giving it away.
      I like books. I like to see books on bookshelves as part of home decor. I like to keep books I might want to re-read one day, I like to pass books on to friends and family if I think they would enjoy them, I like to buy books from charity shops (is Oxfam Books just a UK thing?) and donate them back once read. Even when travelling, I totally see that ebooks would make my life easier, but I like to buy second-hand, shortish books, swap with my travelling companions and leave them in hotels and hostels for other people to read once we’re all done. I love that lots of hotels, in Europe at least, have shelves where you can leave your finished books and pick up others.
      To me, reading on a screen feels like work, reading a paper book is pleasure/leisure.

    32. Ellis Bell*

      I’m Gen X and although I used to be very sniffy about e-readers, I do now prefer my ageing first gen Kindle with proper buttons and e-ink to both screens (as in backlit, touchscreens) and paper. If I had to choose between typical screens and paper, paper would win. Initially I only valued the Kindle for travel, but I have so many paper books that I reached capacity in the house, even though multiple moves forced a lot of decluttering. However, there’s always some favourite books I’ve had from childhood that I’m never going to part with. But, with new books, space is a concern, so I tend to prioritise the shelf space I have for those books where pictures add to the experience, like recipe books, gardening, fashion and art books. When it comes to reading novels, I’ve gotten into the habit of reading one handed, with a drink in the other hand or snuggled into a certain position, so paper books can be a little annoying to return to, as they’re not as comfortable or as light to handle. I do like the way my e reader saves its place, but if you’re trying to judge how much longer there is to go, physical books are better.

    33. Lemonwhirl*

      I was ride or die for paper books to the point where I lugged 6 books to Malaysia for a 1-month work assignment and then scoured bookstores for English language books rather than just download books on my tablet.

      but it all changes during the pandemic. my husband got me a very nice Kindle and I became hooked on borrowing ebooks from the library. so convenient. and I read so much more because I wasn’t agonizing over which books to buy. I also learned how to abandon books that weren’t working for me, which was much easier to do with library books.

      I’ve completely reversed to the point where if someone gives me a physical book, I will probably borrow the ebook version from the library.

      I love the floor to ceiling bookshelves in our living room that are full of our “old friends” and I’m equally fine not personally adding to their number. my husband switched to ebooks years before me. our teenaged son hates ebooks and will read only paper books. husband and I are both Gen X, and our son is Gen Alpha.

    34. Irish Teacher.*

      I prefer paper books, but honestly, I’m running out of space for them and my e-reader allows for more, so…I’m buying a lot on that. My tendency is to buy the books I expect to love best as paper books because those are the ones I’m going to read dozens of times and then get the ones I expect to read less often as e-books. I also like e-books for things like travelling (taking an e-reader is much easier than packing a number of books) so I get some shorter or lighter stuff on them.

      But I don’t find e-books as easy to read. It’s harder to flick back and find information if you forget something – “how are these two characters related?” This is especially true for murder mysteries when you want to flick back and forth to compare people’s testimonies.

      And yeah, my age may well inform my preference. I’m tail end of Gen-X (like one cut-off point puts the start of the Millennial group about 10 weeks after my birth) so grew up in a world where so much was done on paper.

      1. Rose is a rose is a rose*

        Definitely much easier to flick back and forthin a paper book! I love a good map or three in a book, or interesting footnotes, and trying togo back and forth in an e-book is just an exercise in frustration for me.

      2. Nicosloanica*

        haha you must be the exact same microgeneration as my sister, and she is extremely invested in believing that she’s part of the cool Gen Xers and not the same cdlruddy entitled generation as me, born … two years later.

    35. allathian*

      I vastly prefer paper books. I like the feel and the smell, and it’s easier to see where you are in the book. I also like physically owning the books I want to read more than once, which is most of them.

      I look at enough screens as it is both for work and for leisure. Basically, if I’m not sleeping, reading a paper book, attending a live performance, doing chores, or eating out, chances are high that I’m looking at at least one screen.

      Another reason is that we as a family have decided to ban all electronic devices from our bedrooms with the exception of alarm clocks. I have a bedside lamp so I don’t have to get up to switch it off.

      I have an e-book reader on my phone, and I use it for reading fanfic.

    36. Blue Cactus*

      I like paper books when I can get them but it’s hard to beat the convenience of library e-books so I end up using them a lot. I love audiobooks but I’m a bit picky about the narrator – I hate multiple voices, and some voices just grate on my brain for long periods of time. Those books I have to read.

    37. Garden Pidgeons*

      Millenial; I really prefer ebooks for commuting, because on a crowded train when I’m standing, it’s much easier to hold my Kindle in one hand and read than it is to hold and turn pages on a full physical book. We still have a lot of paper books at home, though, because my wife vastly prefers them.

    38. Falling Diphthong*

      Also Gen X. I strongly prefer paper books.

      I was specifically inspired to try my husband’s Kindle on a trans-Atlantic flight when my row of seats didn’t have power, so I could neither watch TV on the little screen, nor read the paper book I had brought. (No reading light.) I now have my own Kindle, mostly for travel (small, light, can fit in the pocket of my long sweaters), though it is also useful for short stories and novellas I want to read, and for piling in reading matter when I’m sick. (I got the Saint of Steel series while in bed with a cold.)

      The Kindle is frustrating when I want to page back and check some detail, either in the text or on an illustration in the frontispiece–paper books are much better for that.

    39. NotBatman*

      Millennial here — I was a die-hard paper fan and thought I would be forever… and then 2020 happened. With no libraries, furloughed and quarantined, I could either try ebooks or start talking to the lady behind the wallpaper.

      So I forced myself to learn how to read first audiobooks, then ebooks, by rereading familiar favorites (Michael Crichton, Madeline L’Engle) in the new format. It didn’t take me nearly as long as I’d expected to get the hang of following a story while listening to a voice or scrolling through my phone, and I’ve never gone back.

      1. WellRed*

        I just picked up Andromeda Strain from the little free library to reread. I think it’s an honest to god 54 year old paperback from when the book came out. Chricton was a genius so I bet the story holds up.

    40. RussianInTexas*

      Kindle all the way. I thought I would be a rise or die but now I can’t imagine being without e-books. Switched about 11 years ago after the last GOT book was released, AND I was about to travel. Did not want to lug a brick of a book with me anymore, didn’t want to go to stores, didn’t want for a book to be shipped to me.
      My current Paperwhite is so great.
      I am a GenX too.

    41. Flower necklace*

      I’m a Millennial and I prefer e-books just for the convenience. I grew up overseas (Foreign service family), so I have a lot of memories of having limited reading material available. Having such free access to books by purchasing/borrowing them electronically is like fulfilling a childhood dream.

    42. Poppy*

      I’m another (elder Millennial) who thought I’d never get on the e-book bandwagon, and I was very skeptical when my dad gave me an early-generation Kindle for Christmas a dozen years ago. Surprise, I use it all the time now– that same 2011 model is still going strong. It was amazing back when I was commuting an hour on public transportation each way, so much easier than trying to hold a heavy book and turn the pages with one hand while clinging to a subway pole with the other. It’s also great for travel, because I can load up this one lightweight thing with half a dozen books that would physically take up a huge amount of space in my suitcase. Plus, I don’t have to haul myself halfway across town to the library whenever I need a new book, especially if I finish one in the middle of the evening. It helps that this type of e-reader uses e-ink only, no lighting up and no tablet-y display, so it doesn’t feel like “screen time” and it doesn’t strain my eyes. Whenever this one finally gives up the ghost I’m going to look for the most basic, bells-and-whistles-free version I can find. I still read plenty of paper books, but only at home, and I like having the flexibility to go either way.

    43. ThatGirl*

      I’m an elder millenial and mostly read library books, and now mostly ebooks simply because I kept forgetting to return books. The ebooks return themselves.

    44. Mimmy*

      I used to read hard copy books, but I much prefer e-books now so that I can adjust the font size (I’m visually impaired). Which is interesting because my vision hasn’t really changed. I was reading regular print books but over the years began to prefer large print because reading regular print now tires out my eyes.

    45. WE ALL LOVE BOOKS*

      Boomer here. I prefer paper books, but I do use a kindle. Points for paper books: easier for me to highlight, go back and forth between pages, make notes (if it’s a book for “studying”); I like the way they feel; they are always MINE (e-books or e-music can easily go away – I see you, iTunes); they work without power (in case of disaster or apocalypse, I hope not every medical text is an e-book). I love the kindle for travelling and I have friends with allergies who are sensitive to old books and even the paper dust from new books. I can’t picture sitting down with the grands and pulling out my kindle to read to them!

    46. Adipose*

      Gen X and committed daily e-reader here! I converted primarily due to the weight/discomfort of holding books — I have a lot of hand problems, and reading on my basic, lightweight e-ink Kindle is much more comfortable.

      I do keep at least one “emergency” (paper) book on hand always, in case of power outage that lasts beyond my battery life or electronic library. And I have some physical books I’ll never get rid of for sentimental reasons, but otherwise, I’m 100% digital.

    47. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Gen X. I still prefer paper by a long shot, but especially during the early days of the pandemic, it was great to be able to read stuff that I didn’t have in the house online via Project Gutenberg. And I agree with the point that it’s nice to be able to make text bigger if I want.

    48. Elizabeth West*

      I like both. I buy more e-books now since I lack space, and they’re usually cheaper, and I can read them on my phone on the bus. Generally, if it’s something I know I’ll re-read a lot or it’s part of a collection, I prefer paper. I know a lot of people won’t buy e-books so that’s why I made sure to have paper versions of my own.

      I like library books too, but I’m lazy about going, lol. My branch is in a really pretty old building, but it’s also on an annoyingly busy street that stresses me out to drive on.

      1. Nancy*

        MA also does have an extensive network that allows you to borrow ebooks from different systems. I have access to 7 different MA library networks on Libby.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I keep forgetting about Libby! Someone reminds me and I’m like, oh great! And then it slithers right out of my brain. Thank you for reminding me again. DOING IT NOW

          I DID remember to sign up for Kanopy, the free library-access online streaming channel, but it took like, ten reminders.

    49. BlueWolf*

      Millennial here. I actually do both. E-books are handy because I can get them from the library on my phone at any time. However, sometimes when I feel I’ve been spending too much time scrolling on my phone, I like to have a physical book to break away from a screen for a while. But I generally have to plan ahead to get a couple from the library (or I suppose re-read something from my shelf).

    50. The Other Dawn*

      I borrow from the library and buy from Amazaon ebooks only. No more paper for me. It’s about convenience above all else. I can read anywhere, anytime. I use the Kindle app on my phone, so no extra devices and no paper books to carry.

      My normal routine is to read in bed at night and since my husband used to go to bed first, I would read in the dark so I don’t disturb him. Now that I’m in bed first, I still read in the dark so I don’t have to get up to shut the light off. I used to only read, but now it’s a couple hours of scrolling through social media, then about an hour of reading. I try to get into bed by 9pm so I have enough time for all that, but I really should stop it with the social media, mainly so I can get to sleep earlier.

      I don’t feel like this is about my age at all. I’m 49. It’s about convenience and preference.

    51. Double A*

      I’m both. Being able to read on an e-reader was a game changer once I had kids. First off, so much easier with a little baby, but also crucial for the stage where the kids insist you sleep with them but their bedtime is 7pm. As a result I read more on my e-reader at this point. I’m also trying to read books on my phone instead of just scrolling, so I read on the Kindle app too. Also, I always have a queue of ebooks at the library and it’s so much easier to check out and return them.

      For these reasons I’m about 4/5 books on e-reader these days.

      I also do sometimes buy books I read and loved from the library.

    52. AGD*

      Gen Y, with a strong preference for paper books. I really like unplugging from screens when I have the chance; I also retain more when it isn’t just more textual information on my computer or phone. And books as objects hold a lot of appeal for me (I like covers, paper, font choices, and being able to see how far through a book I’m getting by where the bookmark is). I enjoy buying books, exchanging books, peeking at people’s book collections (if I have permission), coming across Little Free Libraries by accident, and so on. I’ve read a few ebooks on my phone, but didn’t love the experience. Given that my circumstances mean I have a choice, I like having memories of interacting with a physical item.

    53. fposte*

      GenX/Boomer cusp. I worked in book reviewing and we pivoted hard to e-galleys during the pandemic, which was my forcible introduction. My preferences then shifted because of wanting to strip down possessions, including mounds of books. I would not have ever believed I could view shelves of books with anything but delight and pride of possession, but as somebody with a hoarding tendency, I’m glad it happened.

    54. Justin*

      I’m a millenial but I am also an author (my second book, an education book for teachers, came out a few days ago).

      I love a physical book but I like an e-reader if I’m planning to skim or move really quickly through something. And there’s a different feeling as an author holding your physical book.

    55. Lexi Vipond*

      Stranded between very young Gen X or very old Millenial (I’ve never felt much like either).

      I read some quite old stuff, so I do read a bit on Gutenberg-type sites where you get a load of text on the page, but paper otherwise – ebooks just seem like the worst of both worlds, where you have to turn the page twice as often!

    56. ElastiGirl*

      The pandemic changed my reading habits. I used to be adamant about real books, and once had a huge library with 15’ ceilings, rolling ladders, and almost every shelf filled. But then came the pandemic.

      I started checking out books electronically to my iPad, and got hooked on the ease of e-reading. Propping up the “book” instead of holding it. Instant book delivery with no driving. Never worrying about due dates. Taking a dozen books on a trip with no added weight.

      Sometimes my eyes bug out a bit from too much screen time, especially when outside light is bright. And I can’t lounge by a pool and read as reliably. But the overall ease of e-reading won me over.

      1. Roland*

        Try an e-ink reader! All the convenience of reading on your tablet with none of the drawbacks you mention.

    57. Chelly*

      it’s complicated – I prefer paper over e-book readers all the way. Except – I read webnovels daily on my tablet. reason 1. I despise the shitty flipping the page mechanism e-readers seem to employ. it feels unnecessary and slow and it’s imitating a stack of loose papers more than an actual book! often an e-book page is also shorter than a book page, so more flipping. on tablet, I scroll down. it feels natural and doesn’t disrupt reading flow.
      reason 2. I like knowing where I’m at in a novel. at least the e-readers I’ve had I had to exit the book to see progress. for webnovels I just open a new tab with the contents. bonus: I can see where I’m at in a chapter through the scrollbar

    58. But Not the Armadillo*

      I’m a Millennial and I love paper books. I have a Kindle and mostly use it for reading in bed before I go to sleep because I have yet to find a booklight that works well and doesn’t spill light all over the room in weird shadows (if anyone can recommend one, that would be great!). I do like that I can download a free sample of a book onto my Kindle to try it out and if I want to keep reading it I can look for it at the library (which I use a lot, mostly for paper books). With exceptions for a few special favorites, I buy something in ebook OR paper form, not both. I have two big bookshelves of paper books in my office at home. Since my spouse isn’t a reader the shelves are solely my domain to arrange and rearrange as I like, which is so much fun. I agree that my books are like old friends and I love looking at them lined up on the shelf. I also read a lot of books from the UK which aren’t available, or aren’t available yet, in the US; a good percentage of my paper books fall into that category.

    59. B)*

      I’m gen Z—love paper books more than anything ( I’m a very tactile person) BUT I carry around a heavy backpack all the time and Libby for ebooks is very convenient. Additionally, I find that if I’m already on my phone it’s easier to go from scrolling to book on phone than it is to go from phone to actual book attention-wise.

    60. Miss Buttons*

      I’m a Boomer. Paper books for me. Nothing like the feel of a real book. And I’m on my computer screen all day M-F for work. Don’t want to be on another screen for pleasure reading.

    61. slowingaging*

      e-books on kindle. Can reverse color and font size for easy reading in bed in the dark. Ease of making notes from books. Ease of check out from library. Paper books, cons – old ones have hard to read font. I read both.

    62. carcinization*

      I’m “Oregon Trail” generation and the only time I primarily read e-books was over a decade ago when I had a really boring job and had found a dubiously legal site where I could read a bunch of books I’d been trying to find for free. Otherwise I only read paper books, e-books don’t hold my attention the same way.

    63. Qwerty*

      Preference: Paperback books. I used to love the short fat ones as a kid but now I appreciate the taller thinner ones since they are easier to hold. I do wonder if there’s a correlation between tablet popularity and books shapes conforming to the size of a large tablet.

      Reality: The world seems to have shifted to e-books, and you can’t deny the convenience of carrying a library in a tablet or how much easier it is to read at night (remember book lights?). So I usually do ebooks.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        as someone in publishing, there’s been a shift away from mass-market paperback (those cheaper short ones on thin paper) with the assumption that readers at that price point will accept the cheaper-to-produce ebooks and publishers can focus on printed books in the higher pricepoints

    64. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I read both kinds, but the ebooks on my retired phone are safer than anything with paper. I do try to read only on paper when I’m chilling towards bedtime, though. I mostly buy ebooks and use the library for paper, because all my bookcases are full even though I culled 12 large shopping bags of the paper books out this last summer.

    65. Bay*

      I never thought I would switch but now I use both. I read a lot but I live in a country where English books can be hard to come by– e-books are cheaper and I can get them instantly from home. I also don’t have a car anymore so I’m more mindful of what weight is in my bag, and I move every year or two so I no longer want hundreds and hundreds of my friends to box up every time.
      I keep a small library of the most important ones and whenever it is time to reread them I am thrilled to bask in the tactile experience of paper.
      My e-reader (kobo) is ergonomically similar to a book, uses e-ink, and the text flips over with me automatically when i roll over in bed and rotate it so the handle side stays down. These factors help me forgive it for not being a paper book.

    66. Nightengale*

      48

      For fiction it pretty much has to be paper.

      For non-fiction I can read on a screen. I don’t read actual e-books but I can read articles on a computer and I once memorably read most of Harrison’s Internal medicine textbook over 3 months on computers. I knew there was no physical textbook that would be A) sufficiently comprehensive and B) that I could actually lift and carry, so every time I sat down at a computer for more than a minute or so, I pulled up a relevant chapter.

      The reason fiction has to be paper is how physical I get with books. I read a lot of murder mysteries and am always thumbing back a few pages or a few chapters to check something. I have good memory for about how far back to go and about where on the page the word or sentence was that I wanted to re-read. I don’t have that same sense of physical space when reading on a screen so I wouldn’t know how far back to scroll to find it.

      Also I like to curl up in bed with a book. . .

    67. Brunching with Penguins*

      I bounce. If I think I might want to see it on my shelf later – paper. If I think it might open someone else’s mind – paper, and leave it in the neighborhood little free library. If it’s a transient in my life, e-reader

    68. Celeste*

      Gen X. Always thought I would be a paper person, but now that I need reading glasses, I’m loving e-books because I can see them! Also, like fposte, I am trying to clear out possessions, and I love how my magic e-reader can turn into any book I want.

    69. Pam Adams*

      Ebooks for me, unless the work isn’t available online.

      Reason 1- bad eyesight makes it easier to read online where I can make the text larger.

      Reason 2- life downsizing.

    70. Jessica*

      GenX, hardcore for paper. I own lots of books but am trying to slowly purge my library down to the essentials. Heavy library user.
      Tried audiobooks but I’m a naturally quick reader and they bored me to death. Can’t pay enough attention to them while driving.
      I’m super glad that ebooks and e-reading devices exist in case my sight ever gets bad enough that I can only read by enlarging the text, but am not looking forward to that day.
      Last time I voluntarily read an ebook was a long book in my second language where the ability to instantly look up words was worth it.

    71. skadhu*

      Boomer. Almost entirely e-books now, because (1) my eyesight isn’t nearly what it was and (2) there is no room in our house for more hardcopy books. (I frequently reread the books I love, so I don’t get rid of the ones I like, and over the years they add up.)

      I still read hardcopies from my collection at night when in bed before going to sleep, though.

    72. Animal Lover*

      Millennial and I exclusively read physical books when it comes to published works. But I also read a lot of fan fiction and those I read on my desktop computer. Years ago I briefly had an ereader (gifted), but it broke. Got another one, it broke. Gave up wasting money on ereaders and went back to physical books only. My library has also changed which ereaders it will work with and while I understand there’s way to convert the ebooks, it seems like a hassle. I get most of my books from the library, but also buy some to support local authors or books I want to own. As others have pointed out, it’s nice to have time away from screens.

    73. ecnaseener*

      My preference for the actual reading experience goes paperback > ebook > hardcover. I like reading on paper over screens, but not enough to outweigh how annoying it is trying to hold a hardcover open. (Small hands, fingers prone to soreness.)

      That said, what I actually *do* most of the time is ebooks on my phone, because if I’m already sitting down on my phone I will usually go for a book on my phone over a book on the other side of the room. Between Libby and Project Gutenberg and the fact that I’m out of space for physical books, ebooks are my default.

      1. ecnaseener*

        Oh, and I’m a zillennial but I don’t think that has any particular effect. I grew up with physical books.

    74. Nervous Nellie*

      I stare at a computer screen 6 days a week – there is no way I will ever use an e-reader. That’s quite enough screen time.

      Also, a professor at the local university mentioned in a climate change lecture a few years ago that the energy required to print and ship and sell a book is not as significant as the energy required to build, ship and sell an e-reader. He added that the ongoing need for batteries or electricity to use the device also made paper books the more sustainable choice. As technologies change, I don’t know if this is still the case.

      Also, around the same time, my county library system got into a battle with an e-book provider that deleted paid-for books from their access roster, with zero recourse. The idea that a provider could sell me a book and then have the ability to take it back soured me on the whole idea. Oh, and I also LOVE paper books…..

    75. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I didn’t get into e-readers until a few years ago when I realized I can have new things to read without having to leave the house!

    76. Dancing Otter*

      Boomer.
      I’m probably 85% ebooks. Some titles I want from the library are only available in dead tree format. Then there’s re-reading books I bought before Nook. But I seldom buy new books on paper.
      Reasons:
      1. Shelf space, none. Already two deep on four bookcases.
      2. Adjustable fonts and contrast.
      3. Ability to look things up directly. Just highlight the term about which I want more information.
      4. Similarly, ability to search for earlier references to X in the book.
      5. Ability to read in the dark, because the screen is lit, after all. This may not be good for my eyes, I suppose, and I do sometimes fall asleep with a corner of my tablet digging into my cheek.
      6. Can read while waiting without lugging a bulky book along, or even planning ahead. After all, I always have my phone with me.

      I don’t think any of this is age-related, unless you want to consider that I’ve had a lot of years to fill those bookcases in reason #1. My vision isn’t a matter of age, as I’ve worn glasses since I was 10, but might be a factor for other people (ref. bifocals, cataracts).

    77. SaraK*

      I am Gen X and read ebooks for most of my reading. The main reasons are:
      1. I just can’t justify the space that paper books take up. I only buy books I love and will read again in paper or reference books (because ebook readers are painful to use with reference books and textbooks)
      2. I love the convenience of being able to acquire a book I want to read straight away.
      3. I find paper books just too heavy now that I am old(er).

  16. Brevity*

    File this under “So THAT happened…”:

    I finally dreamt that I was posting to AAM. I was excitedly telling everyone on the weekend chat all about how I attended the premiere of the new Dracula movie (?? too may Beetlejuice comercials, I guess) because it was held at the movie theater down the street from me. Very exciting, I gather, since I woke up. Took me a few minutes to get my bearings, then I burst out laughing.

    Anyone else finding AAM pop up in their subconscious? ;)

  17. goddessoftransitory*

    Here’s a low stakes question for the readers of AAM: What do you like to use for bookmarks?

    I don’t mean “Grabbing the electric bill to mark my place” kind of thing, but things you specifically pick, for a specific book, maybe? I have a collection of postcards I’ve bought over the years and like selecting which one to use–I have a bunch of Edmund Goreys and ones by a humorously macabre German artist who are perfect for my Shirley Jacksons, for example!

    1. Isabel Archer*

      Actual bookmarks, always. My mom, an avid reader and former librarian, passed away earlier this year, and we’re finding quite a few bookmarks she bought but never used, still in their plastic sleeves. From the Folger Shakespeare Library, for example. I’m using one of her Edward Goreys right now. And a beautiful blue leather one, with a gold peacock on it and a fringed bottom, that I gave her as a gift when I was a child. I’ll be using that one, too, and thinking of Mom when I do.

      1. RLC*

        Actual bookmarks here, too. Collection goes back 50+ years and most are sweet reminders of friends and family who understood and supported my love of reading. Most treasured are the ones with little handwritten notes from the giver.

        1. NotBatman*

          My bookmark that makes me smile is one I got for free, advertising an event that I never attended in 2011. It became my favorite bookmark when, in 2018, I accidentally returned it inside a book to my library in Iowa — the library called me on the phone to let me know they’d found it and were mailing it back to me. It was such a sweet gesture over an (obviously useless) paper scrap that it has since acquired real sentimental value.

      2. Helvetica*

        Same. I try to buy at least one bookmark from a trip, so it is something useful and a memento of my travels.

      3. Agnes Grey*

        Actual bookmarks for me as well, they have drifted into my life from many sources over the years. My current favorites are the ones that come with books from Persephone Press (they match the endpapers, which are always a period textile design from when the book was originally published) – they’re sturdy yet beautiful.

    2. Harlowe*

      Unfortunately my least favorite cat has taken a liking to all my lovely tasseled bookmarks from the 80s. After some experimenting, the only thing he leaves alone are snap hair clips that grip the page and aren’t easily clawed out. He even fished out paper clips.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        You might like magnetic bookmarks then. They snap closed and are very flat to the page. I use them in my work planner because I’m constantly going from A to B with it under my arm and typical bookmarks fall out. They’re also good as permanent placeholders for the frequently used recipes in my cookbooks.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I used to have a bad habit of dog-earing the pages. Now I just close the book and find my place again by leafing through it. It’s not as difficult as one would imagine.

      1. No bookmarks*

        Yes! Same! (Except the dog-earing, I almost never did that.) I used to think all voracious readers had this ability, but it turns out there’s only very few of us out there…

    4. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Post-it notes or bookmarks. I have an origami bookmark that fits over the corner of the page that I really like.

        1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

          No, it’s square but folded to make a pocket. The person who gave it to me used paper printed with a Great Wave of Kanagawa motif.

      2. the cat's pajamas*

        I will cut the corner from a sealed envelope and place it over the page like that. I used to use fancy stationery when I sent more letters. These days I use whatever I have lying around.

    5. Decidedly Me*

      I have a ticket from a paid parking garage machine that I started to use once and that’s been my same bookmark for many years now. My partner once bought me 3 or 4 different style of real bookmarks and I still use the ticket. It’s become a joke at this point about how it’s my super special bookmark.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        You should make up an origin story for it. Like you foiled a car thief in the parking garage or something.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          A couple of bookshops I use give a free card bookmark with your purchase, so I use those.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When I did read hard copy books, I was an unabashed dog-earer and spine-breaker of my own paperback books. Library or otherwise borrowed books, I usually would just use a post-it note or whatever was handy, and my own hardcovers, I use whichever flap of the book jacket (front or back) is closer to where I stopped. I’ve never been one to keep track of actual bookmarks or such.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      My local bookstore gives out book marks (light cardboard with the name of the store), and I mostly use those.

      1. allathian*

        I got several of those from a conference I attended about 10 years ago. They were ads for the organizer’s e-services.

    8. WellRed*

      I pick up bookmarks all over the place, I have quite the assortment of children’s book bookmarks from the library and the bookstore.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I still have bookmarks from my childhood, lol. All my bookmarks are in the remote caddy in the living room — I usually start books on the sofa so they’re easy to grab. Back when I read a lot of magazines, I would use those subscription cards that always fall out of them.

      In a pinch, I use whatever’s handy — receipts, an envelope, etc.

    10. mreasy*

      I have antique photos we always intend to frame one day, and I cut the fronts off any particularly nice looking craft chocolate bar packages.

    11. Ronnie*

      I use neon index cards. The colors are pretty, and sometimes I write notes to myself on them instead of stopping to google things while reading (like to look up specific word definitions or facts or the author’s other books).

    12. Chaordic One*

      I really like to use pretty bookmarks with tassels, sometimes with witty sayings and quotes on them, but I have a hard time keeping them. They all seem to disappear. (So many times the bookmarks are better than the books. LOL!) I have a collection of bookmarks that advertise the bookstores where I bought books. I am now horrified to realize that about half of those bookstores since have gone out of business.

      When I’m at work I have three 3-ring binders that I frequently need to consult. They are for parts of my job that I don’t do often enough to remember all of the steps involved. In spite of being tabbed, I find that I need a bookmark-like thing to locate certain pages. What I use as a bookmark is a flat plastic 12 inch ruler. I have about 6 or so of the rulers.

    13. Lexi Vipond*

      I’m more at the electricity bill end of the spectrum – I end up with bus tickets and scraps of wool and paper in my library books and have to frisk them before giving them back – but I do like using train tickets, especially in books I’ve bought and mean to keep because it gives a rough date of when I first read the book if I reread it years later.

    16. dapfloodle*

      Well, my main hobby is perfume oils from the company Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, aka BPAL, and they always include postcards, usually of lovely art (admittedly sometimes a bit macabre), with orders. So I’ve been using those for years with books that are big enough. Recently they started including actual bookmarks as well, so I can use those with more sizes of books!

    17. English Rose*

      Back in the day when friends used to send postcards from holiday destinations, I used them, as every time I opened the book it reminded me of that friend. Now I use birthday or Christmas cards people have sent me, for the same reason.

    18. Love me, love my cat*

      My favorite is one I got at Barnes & Noble years ago, with a Groucho Marx quote on it. One side says, “Outside of a dog, books are man’s best friend.” The other side says, “Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

    19. Irish Teacher.*

      I have a number of actual bookmarks, a few kitty ones and a Flower Fairies one. They are pretty.

  18. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs!

    I just finished A Sweet Mess by Jayci Lee. As I mentioned last week, it wasn’t my thing, and leaned into romance genre cliches that I personally dislike. (Some of them I enjoy, just not these.) But it’s done! I was reading it for a reading thing at my local library. I also finished The Genius of Judy, a book about Judy Blume that I saw recommended here a couple of weeks ago. Much more enjoyable and I had a lot of fun with it!

    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I finished Denison Avenue by Christina Wong, which was one of the Canada Reads books this year. The main character is an older woman living in Chinatown who starts collecting bottles after her husband dies as a way of keeping busy. It’s not very plot-driven, but I enjoyed seeing the world through a different perspective and it touches on grief, gentrification, and what home looks like. It also has amazing drawings of Toronto’s Chinatown and Kensington Market neighbourhoods and businesses and how those are changing.

      I also started reading The Fall of Numenor since the second season of Rings of Power is out, but I won’t be able to watch it quite yet. Familiar content for anyone who has read The Silmarillion and The Unfinished Tales, but nicely put together in chronological and relatively narrative form!

      But since that was too heavy to bring on a weekend trip, I also started Melmoth by Sarah Perry. Set in Prague, a sort of supernatural horror mystery…so far I’m enjoying it (and I liked the Essex Serpent – I know she also just had a new book come out but Melmoth was already on my shelf!)

    2. Rara Avis*

      I think it was recommended here last week: a graphic novel called The Secret Garden on 81st Strreet. Loved it ! Now I want to reread Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      Still in a reading slump. A lot of DNF. I did finish Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang. Some interesting ideas in there, but not really my style of science-fiction.

      1. NotBatman*

        Oh man, I feel this. Babel, or the Necessity of Violence (R.F. Kuang) cured my latest reading slump and made me fall in love with sci fi all over again.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I gave a shot to Starling House by Alix Harrow. Loved Ten Thousand Doors of January by this author, so was surprised when this one leaned so deeply into Gothic and light horror. One of those books where I think it’s well executed but it’s just not for me.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I can relate! Sometimes, you think you’re reading one genre, and it turns into something you didn’t expect, and it’s a shock — sometimes a bad surprise, and sometimes a good one.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Can relate in both directions.

          There’s a Black Mirror episode that seems like it’s about the isolation of modern tech replacing human connection… and then we get our Scooby hats on and it becomes a heist.

    5. CityMouse*

      I was really excited for The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman, but honestly, it was a slog. I loved the Magicians trilogy but this was disappointing.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Tomi Obaro’s *Dele Weds Destiny* about three old friends who met at college in Nigeria, their histories, and their reunion at the wedding of one of their daughters. I really enjoyed it, though I felt like the ending was a little rushed. I could definitely have read more of each of their stories!

      Started Joan Didion’s *Play It as It Lays* about a disaffected young woman in Hollywood in the 1960s, her relationships, and the film industry cultural norms that are threatening her mental health as she struggles to keep it together. Really enjoying this one too, though it has already had its heartbreaking moments.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me this week:

      I am being dazzled by A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. A writer finds a lunchbox that washes up on a remote island on the west coast of Canada. It’s believed to be debris from the 2011 Japanese tsunami, and it turns out to contain the diary of a Japanese teenager. The teen’s lively & profane thoughts give way to fantastic stories of her 101-yr old grandmother, who is a Zen Buddhist nun. It’s touching and fascinating, and carefully researched (with footnotes! and appendices!). It was a Booker Prize finalist, and rightly so.

      I am also loving The Penguin Anthology of Twentieth Century American Poetry. I rewatched the dreamy Jim Jarmusch film Paterson this week – Adam Driver as a bus driver who writes poetry, and not much else happens. His reading of William Carlos Williams always drives me over to my shelf to revisit this book. All of my favorites are sampled here – Wallace Stevens, WCW of course, Marianne Moore, e.e. cummings, Langston Hughes, Muriel Rukeyser, Randall Jarrell, Frank O’Hara, Audre Lord, Sharon Olds, Rita Dove (who was also the editor) and Sherman Alexie. It’s a huge book, and yet I am always surprised that I find new things in it each time. It’s a wonderful way of seeing the world differently & more elegantly.

    8. Crop Tiger*

      I just finished Dreadful by Caitlin Rozakis. It had a fun premise and you think you know what the whole story is going to be after the first chapter, but it keeps coming up with twists throughout the book.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I enjoyed that one – a nice riff on the evil-sorcerer concept. Also, I loved the whole opening riff involving the eyebrows!

    9. chocolate muffins*

      I read The Inheritance of Loss this week. It seemed like the kind of book I would like, and I can see why people think it is a great book and why it has won awards, but it just didn’t click for me and I had a hard time following what was happening in many places. The story line taking place in the US was straightforward for me but I had a hard time keeping track of the parts of the story taking place in India. I am a White lady living in the US, have never been to India, and don’t know the Indian history that was covered in this novel, which is probably a big part of my reaction, but I have read other books with a similar setting that I loved and could follow. I don’t think this one was written that differently so maybe I was just too tired this week? Anyway, it is probably an excellent book, just one whose wonderfulness I missed out on for whatever reason.

      1. Atheist Nun*

        I read The Inheritance of Loss 10+ years ago and thought it was a total slog until the final, maybe, quarter (or even tenth?) of it, and then I became absolutely emotionally invested and could not stop reading it. My final verdict is that it was worth it.

        These days, however, I give up on a book after the first couple chapters, so I likely would not have given The Inheritance of Loss a chance now. FWIW I am an Indian lady living in the US and know some of the history and culture discussed in the novel.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Estranged by Ethan M. Aldridge, a graphic novel about changelings. The human boy who’s been reared in the faerie realm decides to seek out his human parents, meets his twin/changeling, and kicks off a quest to save the faerie realm from the wicked sorceress who’s done away with the previous rulers. There’s a wax golem, and the human child’s very brave (and surprisingly accepting of this magical turn of affairs) older sister, and assorted other friends and foes, and all in all it’s an entertaining (and beautifully illustrated) adventure with a “found family” theme.

    11. Aneurin*

      Finished a re-read of The Lord of the Rings on a day of train journeys yesterday.

      I started both K.J. Parker’s How to Rule an Empire and Get Away With It (sequel to Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City, which I read a few years ago) and David Grann’s Killers of the Flower Moon a few days ago, but haven’t been in the right mood for either since then.

    12. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      Just finished “The Helpline” by Katherine Collette which I think I was first recommended here, and it was good. The narrator provided a unique perspective I think, not your typical protagonist.

      Working on “American Gods” and I like it for the most part. Well written and interesting, I understand enough of the references to know what’s going on, the only issue I have is the quantity of sexualized female imagery? It’s not even that much, it just makes me roll my eyes and say “really?” So far it hasn’t been super predictable…..except when they introduce a female character!

  19. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been spending a lot of time on Fire Emblem Three Houses the past two weeks and am enjoying it. I previously played on Casual, so I’ve moved it up to Hard so it will be more of a challenge. It does mean it’s harder to level everyone up, but I’m enjoying it like this.

    1. illuminate*

      I got my Coral Island key! it’s a Stardew Valley-like developed by an Indonesian company, so the aesthetics are really refreshing and I’m learning a lot about Indonesian crops and recipes. It has its bugs and its slow parts, but I’m liking it so far. I adopted a dog and I’m about to go into my first winter.

    2. GingerSheep*

      Piggybacking on this question for game recommendations: a friend of mine is defending her PhD thesis in geo-archaeology and we’re buying her a Nintendo Switch as a congratulations gift, and want to pre-charge it with archaeological and geological themed games. (Historical would also be good, she specialises in the Bronze Age of Europe.) I am looking for recommendations ! I have played Chants of Senaar (so good) and Heaven’s Vault (meh), and have heard of Outer Wilds and Georifters (just because there’s geo in the title). Any other ideas?

    3. SparklingBlue*

      Picked up Visions of Mana on Steam as a birthday gift for myself, and so far, I like what I see. (I did turn the voices off, because I found them annoying when I watched some gameplay on YouTube.)

      Planning to pre-order The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom as another birthday gift for me–I’m intrigued by most of the revealed moves, and just getting to play as Zelda for once.

    4. TuxedoCat*

      Piggybacking on the thread for games recommendations. A good friend of mine is defending her PhD thesis in geoarchaeology, and we are getting her a switch as a congratulations gift. We want to pre-charge it archaeological, geological or historical-themed (Bronze age Europe) games, and are looking for recommendations. I’ve played Chants of Senaar (great!) and Heaven’s Vault (meh), and know of Outer Wilds Archaeologist edition, and Georifters. Any other ideas or recommendations?

      1. Six Feldspar*

        No help with the games, but thanks for the opportunity to discover geoarchaeology! I actually studied geology and archaeology at uni thinking they would help each other and then found out the carbon dating time scales don’t really work on geological time… Glad someone is making a career out of it!

      2. Jackalope*

        The Forgotten City is a perfect game for that. Not quite the same time period but I’d bet she’d enjoy it. You the player character find yourself in the River Tiber in Italy and are rescued by someone who asks you to go into a ruin to look for her friend. When you go in you’re transported back to a city in Ancient Rome, but with a mystery to solve. It’s fun getting to wander around the city and figure out what’s going on, and it’s not too long – I just checked and the estimate for play time is 6-10 hours.

    5. Wordnerd*

      Work has been a lot lately, but I picked up my Stardew file for a night when my cat was sleeping in my desk chair and I couldn’t work, and I managed to get to level 100 in the Skull Caverns! I’d never done it before! I only used a few staircases at the end, when the floors were either monster-infested or especially long/twisty ones. It was pretty exciting!

    6. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      The Talos Principle has eaten my brain. Apparently now there’s a sequel I’ll have to get? Anyway, it’s a puzzler in the vein I call “Portal-esque” (you solve puzzles in various “test chambers”) and it has some cool and unusual mechanics like the Recorder, which basically allows you to play co-op with yourself on some puzzles.

      It’s also got some super deep lore that will stick with you for a long time.

  20. illuminate*

    Starting a fun-writing thread, maybe? I remember seeing one before, I think. How are your projects going?

    I write fanfiction for a fairly niche audience. I’ve been working in the latest part of a series that’s been decently popular but it’s missing something, so instead I recently published some shorter “missing scene” bits and got so much nice feedback it’s really sparking my energy to be more creative and break the block on the new piece! I think I’ll get there soon :)

    1. Writerling*

      All my writing is. Um. On pause? I haven’t had the best year, since last year, for creativity, but will resume classes end of next month (cue more stress). My fanfics haven’t been updated in over a year (one is back to a 2yr break) but I love a) rereading the fic itself (where’s the rest!? why must I write it!?) and b) rereading the comments because yeah, it does get that excitement going. (But some comments are perhaps *too* high a praise that I shouldn’t think about them for fear of… fear interfering lol)

      1. Cardboard Marmalade*

        I genuinely enjoy rereading my own fanfic, too, and always feel deeply embarrassed to be doing so! This is so validating, I love it XD

        1. Writerling*

          Why embarrassed? We’re always our first and intended audience are we not? ;) (Embarrassed by the writing itself is something else though hahaha)

          1. NotBatman*

            Yes! Almost every story I’ve ever written has been motivated by “dang, why has no one written this idea yet? Oh well, I guess I gotta do it myself.”

            1. Irish Teacher.*

              I think it was Toni Morrison who said, “if you want to read a book that hasn’t been written, you have to write it” or words to that effect.

      2. illuminate*

        This is so real! I write 99% of my fic for me, with all the tropes I like, so why shouldn’t I reread it? (And then the unfinished ones get me…)

        Some comments definitely get into my head. I feel like one of my major weaknesses is chatacterization- distinguishing them in dialogue, especially- but a few times I’ve gotten comments complimenting it and I just have to go HOW DID I FOOL YOU

        1. Writerling*

          Right?? Aghh unfinished one just please melt out of my brain and onto the page…

          Oh yeah, I don’t think my dialogue is particularly strong (distinguishing characters especially) and I’m always surprised if I get a great/believable dialogue comment hahaha. How did I fool you is accurate xD

          1. Six Feldspar*

            Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all have our strong and weak points! (I managed to write a novella length fic with almost no physical descriptions of *any* characters because I could see them clearly in my head, surely any other readers would too?)

            1. Irish Teacher.*

              I rarely give physical descriptions for exactly the opposite reason. I’m aphantasic. I don’t picture them. I generally don’t care what they look like and I hate physical description in books and skip it. So I don’t really consider that people might even want to picture my characters.

              I’m good with dialogue because often writing my stories just feels like my characters are standing behind me telling me, “tell them I said…and tell them I did…” It’s the parts where characters are doing anything other than talking or thinking I struggle with.

            2. Industry Behemoth*

              I wrote a short story with practically no physical descriptions of the characters. Half of them — some are one-offs — don’t even have names, or aren’t identified as either male or female.

              The story and the characters’ actions are what mattered here, not their appearances.

    2. Six Feldspar*

      The last time I remember actually writing something *down* was in late 2011 when I’d just finished my undergrad thesis (all the words apparently came right back out) – but I’m having fun writing in my head!

    3. Shiara*

      I haven’t written fanfic in almost a decade for a variety of reasons, but suddenly got the itch a couple of weeks ago. I got into a new fandom and read a fanfic where I liked the premise but felt like it should go differently, so now I’m vaguely attempting my own take.

      But it’s doing the thing where it turns out I need multiple scenes setting up the one scene I was planning on and suddenly it’s turning into a whole thing. So we’ll see what happens.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I’ve actually started writing a fanfiction for a series most people will never even have heard of, as it was a boarding school series from the era when those stories were losing their audience – Trebizon. The series ends with the characters getting their GCSE results, so I thought it was crying out for a final year story.

      My plot is basically the main character becoming editor of the school magazine (first book started with her dreaming of getting something into it and her father saying, “hey, maybe you’ll be the editor some day) and a submission going missing and possibly being torn up and the question of whether somebody did it to bully the younger student who wrote it or to give their own submission an advantage or why.

      And yeah, I like reading my own stories too, some of them. Not the ones that make me cringe.

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’m on the (probably) penultimate chapter of what was intended to be a 3 chapter fic and is now likely to be a 6 chapter fic. I’ve got the general idea in my head, I just need to buckle down and write it.

      I published my first fanfic on AO3 last summer, and it has really sparked my creativity and reminded me that I love writing for fun. I also have gotten great feedback on some of my stuff, and more views and kudos than I thought I would get. I write very spicy fics, most of which are one-shots, and that kind of stuff doesn’t always have the highest engagement. It also doesn’t help that I tend to write for pairings that are rare. For one of my pairings, I’m the only person on AO3 who has written about them.

      It’s interesting to me to see what factors affect the popularity of a fic. I wrote a Stardew Valley fic in October and it didn’t get much engagement. Then the 1.6 update came out and it became my most popular fic.

      1. illuminate*

        I find that spicy stuff tends to get plenty of hits, less kudos, and almost no comments unless it finds the people who “match your freak” as the kids are saying these days. Writing mostly one-shots is tough for hits though, I feel that.

        I have to laugh about the 1.6 thing, because that’s exactly what made me go looking for SV fic! Maybe I’ve read yours, who knows :)

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Super slow thanks to many stressors, but I have set a goal to finish by Halloween. I wish I had better mental discipline. Or ten million dollars. (Screw it, let’s make it a hundred, lol).

      I’ve only written two fanfics. One I shared on paper (Batman/Joker) and the other is just for me. I laugh a lot when I read it. :’D

  21. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Several years ago during one of the ask vs guess discussions somebody shared a link to a really interesting article that I would love to read again. (I’m pretty sure it was on here but not 100% sure.) It was specifically about Appalachian culture, by someone somewhat academic but really loved the culture and I think grew up there. The author said that requests are strongly associated with outside bosses and pretty much never used by equals, not even for things like salt. I think the post was on LiveJournal or a similar site.

    Anybody have the link?

    1. California Dreamin’*

      Well, I got my nudge today. My mom has been on the waiting list for a beautiful retirement community for a year. Early on I was very energetically going through her large home one area at a time to figure out what would come with her and what would be to sell/donate/discard (she cannot do this herself, and I’m an only child, so it’s all me.). But after a while I burned out and only got through about half the house.
      Recently we decided to switch gears and rent a small house in my neighborhood instead. Today her application was approved, and now I have just a month to get her ready to move and then the goal is to get her house fixed up for the rental market within a month after that. So suddenly there is no more trudging along through her stuff bit by bit but instead a whirlwind of to-do lists and going through closets and the dreaded garage.

    2. Aphrodite*

      Clean out and re-organize that one closet. (Other than that closet, my home is perfectly in order and stays that way most of the time. I loathe disorder and clutter.)

    4. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      Report the non-functionality of my dishwasher to apartment management. This also requires me to 1. Get up 3 hours earlier than usual because our maintenance guys respond promptly, first thing in the morning. 2. Try to time reporting so the work takes place on a day I’m not working at home.
      I’ve been putting this off since late February.

    5. BellaStella*

      Thank you for this. I just paid all my bills and am now going to move the bed and clean under it.

    6. Cookies For Breakfast*

      My partner is very keen to know how our previous foster cats (adopted in March) are doing, and I said I’d text the new owner before our time off work is over.

      I’m very bad at texting people after months of not speaking to them, as I always worry I’m bothering them. The adopter also seemed a little socially awkward, and I figured, if he hasn’t sent us any photos in a while, we shouldn’t push it. But on the other hand a simple “hey, hope you and the cats are doing great” can’t hurt…right?

      1. carcinization*

        No, it should be fine! If he’s socially awkward he is probably feeling weird about the possibility of sending a random update out of the blue!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      If I always feel good after doing a pilates video (Move With Nicole on YouTube, specifically) why is it so hard to start?

      1. NotBatman*

        Inertia! I feel you. I gave myself permission to exercise the “wrong” way — barefoot, in jeans, without getting a water ready first — and it got me moving so much more. Once you start it feels awesome, but it’s amazing how the barriers to starting pile up.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, when I gave myself permission to ride the stationary bike in jeans and my normal shirt that’s going in the wash anyway rather than changing into exercise gear, the threshold of getting on the bike is a lot lower.

          That said, now is my preferred bike-riding season, neither too hot nor too cold, so I prefer riding outdoors.

      2. Brontosaurus*

        Me too, absolutely! I got my workout nudge this week when I finally signed up a Conqueror Challenge. The beautiful medals made me pull the trigger, and I figured spending the $35 would indeed motivate me a bit more than a similar app I could use for free. Now that I’ve started it’s actually… so motivating! And the app is much more fun than I’d expected.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Hanging shelves in my garage. I have a challenging set up and it’s proving trickier than I anticipated. If I finally get them up I will buy a 2 more sets to hang and finally properly organize my garage.

    9. ElastiGirl*

      I have lost about 80 pounds, and most of my clothes don’t fit. I spent the summer telling myself I would purge my closet before school started (that didn’t happen), then told myself I’d do it Labor Day weekend.

      Oh look — it’s Labor Day weekend. This thread will hopefully give me the extra motivation I need to get it done!

  23. Tiny kid wrangler*

    KID QUESTION.. I work in publishing and we have a few kiddie book sessions coming up. Aside from dramatic readings, what activities would preschool kids like to do? Something not messy. We are happy to print and buy things for the occasion. It’s indoors. Any suggestions?

    1. Liminality*

      Are you looking for simply in person activities, or the kin of activity that results in some kind of take-home-thing?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          30 minutes sounds like the time for a typical story reading session.

          I will specifically recommend stuff like Helen Oxenbury’s Going on a Bear Hunt as really occupying kids this age. Where you get to swish the swishy grass etc.

          “Make your body into something from the story” is good for getting some wiggles out.

    2. Two cents*

      When doing things with little kids, I always add movement in. Little kids are very kinetic and wiggly. A blast of music with colored scarves to dance with, hand games, mini yoga lesson or guided movement. I always try to incorporate that in to reading too: if the character in the book waves, I wave too, and the kids wave back. That kind of thing.

    3. Calcium Cat*

      Dress up – have some accessories or even clothes in keeping with the theme of the book, let kids pick something to wear during the reading.

      Colouring in – a bookmark? Character designs?

      Music – find a kids song that’s on theme (YouTube has tons of ideas), preferably one with movement associated. Teach the song (and dance), practice it, perform it.

      Toys – they could build something out of blocks/Duplo/LEGO as after appropriate. Depending on numbers, could be a collaboration activity where they all add a piece. Or dress up dolls as characters. Or make finger puppets to tell their own story.

    4. CityMouse*

      Coloring. Crayons and colored pencils aren’t really messy (markers are).

      Dance parties. Just have an open space and put on some music.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      What about some small cars or trucks and animal figurines and a few blocks for some free play? My kids always like driving cars/trucks back and forth on imaginary surfaces.

    6. fposte*

      If you search for “toddler storytime ideas” or “preschool storytime ideas” you should find a lot of suggestions; the library world is very free about sharing these.

    7. Bibliovore*

      Writing Box activities are all literature based. We use these for any community engagement events. It is free download if you don’t want to buy the book. Link in the reply

  24. HannahS*

    I’d like your thoughts on how to navigate an uncomfortable situation at my synagogue. I don’t think it’s a uniquely Jewish issue, or even just a religious one.

    I regularly attend a synagogue service with my daughter, who is almost 3. The synagogue is explicitly welcoming of families and says that children of all ages are welcome in the service with their parents. They have a little welcome handout that specifies that children are welcome and that congregants are expected to be patient with young children who are still learning to use their “synagogue voices.”

    The ushers seem not to have gotten the message. Every time my daughter stands up or asks me a question or lies down on the pew, an usher will rush over and “remind” me that there is babysitting in the basement. As a recent example, my daughter (silently!) took about five newsletters off some chairs and put them in a pile. The usher, who had earlier reminded me that there is babysitting in the basement, wrung her hands and anxiously said that my daughter is not supposed to touch the newsletters. We were sitting at the back in a sanctuary that was 2/3 empty. There was no one to read the newsletters. I am considerate; I bring her quiet toys, and I am realistic about taking her out if she’s really disruptive. It’s stressful to feel like we’re being monitored and scolded and frankly, it hurts my feelings. My daughter is so young that she won’t stay with the teenage babysitters for very long. If she can’t be in the service, then I also have to leave. It hitting up on other sore feelings I have around the invisibility of motherhood.

    So, what to do? My one relative who is a rabbi shrugged and said that I should ignore the ushers; my mom gently told me that if it bothers me so much, I should say something to the board or whoever is the head usher. I’m not sure what I want to do. Here is my question:
    -What can I say in the moment that politely communicates, “I am here every week; I know there is babysitting in the basement; please leave us alone.”
    -Would it be helpful to the board to have feedback? I don’t even know how to articulate the problem. I struggle to see any actionable feedback, but I’m open to saying something.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I suggest you bring a few copies of their handout you mention that you can give to the ushers when they approach you about your daughter: “They have a little welcome handout that specifies that children are welcome and that congregants are expected to be patient with young children who are still learning to use their synagogue voices.’ ”

      You wouldn’t have to say a word, just hand the paper to them. I hope that works for you.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I agree with this, except that if the same ushers show up every week, I’d step out with them to have an explicit conversation. I’d explain what you did here – that your child won’t stay with a babysitter, you chose the synagogue in part because it’s welcoming of young children, and that you’d like to clarify their policy because if children truly aren’t welcome in the sanctuary, you’ll need to look elsewhere.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Also, if it’s an orthodox shul I’m shocked that they are not tolerant of children. My background is not orthodox, but I attended one for many years because my conservative congregation was so hostile to children in the sanctuary.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Nesting fail! I have a longer comment below. But what WoodswomanWrites suggested as replies to the usher is what I said, but more diplomatically worded. Kudos.

    4. Maybe?*

      I am not a synagogue goer but a churchgoer with small children, and if a simple interaction with the usher like others have recommended doesn’t solve the problem, I do think you should bring the feedback to the board. They are clearly trying to create a family friendly environment with their flyer, but the ushers are working at cross purposes, and they should be informed. It doesn’t have to be hostile or confrontational; just calmly inform them of your experience.

      I am really fortunate that even though I have the only small children in my congregation we have never been shushed even though they are much busier than your daughter sounds. Often people tell me how grateful they are that my children are there. I suspect most others in your pews feel the same way about your well-behaved daughter. Let that bolster your confidence in dealing with the situation.

    5. RagingADHD*

      She sounds like she may be too high strung for the role (wringing hands is odd in context). I would try to catch the eye of the head usher before or after service and ask for some clarification about the guidelines for welcoming children. And mention that this pushy usher interrupts you multiple times during the service when your daughter is quietly moving around (not even making noise).

      Maybe ask whether the leader thinks your daughter is disruptive.

      It’s more of a hallway conversation than a big deal with the board. And you’ll either find out that their pamphlet is lip service and they actually don’t welcome normal kid behavior at all, or they will give the bothersome usher some more training (or a different job).

      Managing volunteers is tricky, because the people who are willing and reliable aren’t always well suited to a given job, and vice versa. But if she isn’t aligned with their intent, they need to know she’s pushing congregants away.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        Some people truly do volunteer in order to exercise power, unfortunately, and it’s possible that people who are attracted to the usher role are particularly excited about the opportunity to shush people :( Hopefully the leadership could reign this in.

        1. CityMouse*

          They also are the first to complain about young people not going to services anymore and don’t see the irony.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Not synagogue experience, but every time a church says they welcome kiddos, there’s always one or two “seen and not heard” types amongst the ushers who fail to get the memo. A priest who works closely with my school said he was plagued with a few of these types, who genuinely thought they were helping, but parents were getting very upset and feeling judged over things he was fine with. He said he always made an explicit deal of saying something welcoming about children’s behaviour out loud during the service, especially if he could see a certain usher hovering. One of my relatives used his church for a christening, so I got to see this in action one time. Some of the little ones were being super noisy, and wriggling, and people were trying to corral them back in and he made a point of saying “let them play on the floor” and “some talking is fine; that’s why we have the microphone!” or he would address the kids directly and ask them to use their best whisper and tell them we’ll be singing in a minute (he’s an Elvis impersonator, so the singing was definitely worth the wait). It was by far the best example I’ve ever seen of “this noise level from young children is honestly fine”; more often it’s people assuming “ah they don’t really mean it” or going by their own adult standards. I think you’re entitled to feel upset and shushed and judged because you’ve read the leaflet and the volunteer clearly hasn’t! You understand your daughter, and the volunteer thinks she can be handed to a teenager like a hamster. I’d be annoyed too! I think the scripts you’ve been given are excellent, and if it can’t be helped at the usher/head usher level then I think you’d probably be helping a lot of other parents by taking it to the board. Even if taking it to them is just an FYI before finding somewhere friendlier (what is the experience of other parents by the way?).

      1. Lala*

        I don’t go to shul anymore, but when I did, I always thought one of the nicest things was the kids running around. sometimes I would get to borrow one too. call the president of the shul. talk to the other parents and rabbi. services are supposed to be interactive and shabbos centers around family. the usher is way, way out of line.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Honestly? As someone who not only attends shul but has also ushered… ignore her. There’s one in every group, and it’s not even specific to synagogues. Some people take their volunteer jobs way too seriously. Your daughter is playing with newsletters (which… get recycled), she’s not messing around with a video game. I used to love giving newsletters to little kids, it made them feel very grown-up. Next time she “reminds” you about the babysitting, just say, “Yup, I know, thanks” and go back to your siddur.

      I appreciate that you’re getting your daughter used to the environment. I say this as someone who attends a service where I think there’s way too much running around and yelling (a baby once crawled into my row with no adult in sight, so I picked her up and held her until a parent showed up– I had no idea who this kid was) and the rabbi encourages it, so I just deal. If your shul were truly a place where kids are seen and not heard (super rare in my experience), and you and your daughter were actually disruptive, I guarantee you’d be getting a visit from the executive director or the rabbi.

      I have a feeling that if you did give feedback, the response would be something like, “I’m sorry, that’s just Ellen, and she’s a pain, but she shows up every Shabbat, ignore her.” But maybe I’m projecting.

    8. Nicosloanica*

      Is it just this one usher every time who does the fussing? If so, I’d approach that first directly with her, and then with leadership. She’s probably a volunteer who doesn’t buy into the family sentiment personally, but can be told what is expected of ushers if she wants to continue serving in the role.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        This. You might say something to the usher along the lines of “Oh! I thought children were welcome in the sanctuary!” and if that doesn’t shift her behavior, then talk to either a Board member or the rabbi, depending on the shul.

        The newsletter thing makes me so irritated. That’s ridiculous. Since it sounds like shul leadership is explicitly trying to create an environment that’s welcoming to children, they would want to know about that. Honestly, I suspect they’d be glad that someone is doing something with the newsletters!

    9. Llellayena*

      In the moment: “Oh, are children no longer welcome at service as I was informed?”

      At my church we usually have a dedicated child program for part of the service that brings the lesson of the readings down to kid-level understanding, but it’s not required and kids are welcome to stay in the service. I think I had one time when I approached a parent to suggest that if their kid was overly noisy, standing “out of the way” right next to the choir microphones might not be the best spot, but I definitely didn’t suggest she leave.

    10. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I would inform the board and your Rabbi/head of your synagogue. They will want to know your ushers are not being welcoming.

    11. Double A*

      Everyone else has really good advice, but wanted to lend support to to how you’re feeling! Also, are you expecting another? I had an experience when I was very early pregnant with my second and someone was very unkind about my then 2 year old daughter and it upset me SO much. It was worse than this volunteer but had I not been pregnant I could probably have let it roll off my back. But those pregnancy hormones are no joke and 4 years later it still makes me upset to remember.

    12. Rosyglasses*

      This happened to me quite often when my son was a baby – in a Christian congregation. I lasted about 6 months and then gave up and never went back.

    13. Bibliovore*

      I affiliated with my temple BECAUSE children of all ages and abilities were welcome at the services. We have busy quiet toys in bags to hand out. Board books to share (and take home, pj library) at the end of the Friday night service , children below bar mitzvah age are asked to go up to the bima to say Hamotzi over the challah and have a piece. Young children come up with their parents. Perhaps asking the members of the “welcome committee” how the temple makes families welcome. We also have family night the first Friday of the month. We feed everyone dinner then services.
      For the usher- “thank you for sharing, we are fine.”
      Look around for the other members who are nodding and smiling at you and child. The ones are ARE welcoming and find joy in your presence. I often go up to the mom/dad and say thank you for bringing your child/children.
      The only services that children were not welcome were Kol Nidre and that was explicitly noted at the beginning of the service.

    14. Observer*

      What can I say in the moment that politely communicates, “I am here every week; I know there is babysitting in the basement; please leave us alone.”

      Leave out the “leave us alone” and just say the rest. The second time just “I know.”

      Would it be helpful to the board to have feedback?

      If they keep on badgering you after you tell them that you are aware o the babysitting, I think so. And I think it really *is* actionable. What you want to tell the board (or whoever manages the ushers) is that the ushers seem to have a MUCH higher standard of “appropriate” conduct than the published guidelines indicate. So much so that you are wondering if your child *is* actually welcome at services. Point out some of the more egregious instances, such as *quietly* lying down on a pew when there were not many people there anyway. In other words, they are coming over to you for behavior that is clearly non-disruptive. And you want to focus on that. Because one could argue how loud is “too loud” or how disruptive is “really disruptive”. But I think it’s hard for anyone with sense and without an over-blown sense of propriety to actually argue that behavior like that is actually a problem that needs to be resolved somehow or removed.

    15. HannahS*

      Thank you all so much for your comments/encouragement/advice/commiseration. We actually haven’t been back in a few weeks since the newsletter incident (we were visiting my brother/SIL at their synagogue and then I was sick for two weeks,) but I’m starting to feel more confident about returning.

      To answer some questions, it’s an unaffiliated synagogue, but most similar to the conservative movement. There are a lot of other families with children in the congregation, but none who attend regularly with a child as young as my daughter.

      And no, I’m not pregnant (although I did think I was–turns out it was just the effects of COVID) but I hope to be soon. Part of my distress (and anger) is also linked with my larger feelings about how so many spaces that promise to be supportive of mothers are really not in practice.

  25. Jean (just Jean)*

    Ouch. Way to make visitors or new members feel really welcome! Grrr. (end sarcasm)
    Speaking as a fairly regular synagogue-goer, the bar for disruptive kids should be set much higher than a small child quietly relocating several copies of a newsletter. I’m talking about yelling and screaming loud enough to drown out the service!

    Can you connect with other parents of similarly-aged children–either while you take a break during the service, or while people are standing around eating kiddush or lunch afterwards? This might help you find allies, or fellow/sister travelers. If the ushers are similarly overbearing with other parents of young children…do the parents follow the ushers’ instructions or ignore them? Hopefully someone will say “oh, yes, that’s so-and-so who is always overly concerned about the slightest movement, never mind any sounds, made by young children.”

    Suggested comment for the usher(s):
    “I’m confused–my child is not disturbing anyone–can you explain how this fits with this welcome handout?” Have a copy on hand. (Caveat: Is this too hostile?)
    “Thank you for reminding me about the babysitting. My daughter prefers to stay with me and she’s not disturbing anyone.” (More caveats:
    1. It’s past my bedtime so my social skills may have deserted me.
    2. I don’t know that I would have had the courage to say this as when my child was almost 3.
    3. If the usher’s style is to Pronounce From On High and then Move Along…you’ll be talking to the back of their head, which is not terribly helpful.)
    Good luck. I hope things improve, or that you can find a more welcoming synagogue.

  26. I lived in New York but not that New York*

    Toddler/preschooler tips for visiting NYC?
    My four year old is obsessed with the Statue of Liberty, so that’s the main thing on the itinerary. What else might a four year old and 14 month old enjoy there (in October)? We’re coming from the opposite coast, so we’re going to stay for the better part of a week to make the trip feel worth it, but I’m not sure what else to plan to do.
    Any thoughts on where to stay? Open to tips of all kinds. We’ve made a couple of big airplane trips this summer, so I’m not worried about that element.

    1. Two cents*

      Anywhere with dinosaur bones. I’m not up on NYC, so I can’t advise on specifics any better than Google, but I know there are some there somewhere. And that is what my kid would want to do.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        The American Museum of Natural History, which is entirely composed of kid-friendly spaces. There’s also a Manhattan Children’s Museum. If the weather is good, you could spend an entire day wandering around Central Park. There are rocks to climb, there are playgrounds, there’s lots of room to run, there will be kids galore, and there might be street musicians or breakdancers or people doing Tai Chi on the lawn. There’s also a lovely small zoo and a carousel (don’t know if the carousel is open seven days a week in the fall) and lots of food of all kinds.

        If your little one is content in a stroller, the Metropolitan Museum of Art might be fun, especially for a rainy day. There are big statues and heiroglyphics and a whole Egyptian temple which are fascinating for preschoolers.

        Times Square has sort of turned into a NYC theme park with a variety of costumed characters wandering around. Of course, some of them are practically naked, so maybe not.

        The High Line on the West Side is a great place to walk – lovely views of the river with art of plants and a couple of cafes.

        Have fun! I’m headed into NYC today with my daughter, who just moved to Jersey City and wants company as she sorts out how to take mass transit to her job in SoHo.

      2. CityMouse*

        Natural History Museum has dinosaur bones.

        There are multiple zoo options the Bronx Zoo being the largest but Central Park being closer to other touristy stuff.

    2. Atheist Nun*

      In the “New York but not that New York” vein: The LEGOland theme park in Goshen, NY includes a LEGO Statue of Liberty.

    3. SparklingBlue*

      Are they able to sit through a live show? Disney on Broadway would be an amazing experience if they can handle that.

      1. CityMouse*

        14 months is too young for Broadway (they won’t let in kids that young) and even 4 is pushing it. But they could go to the Gazillion Bubble Show.

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          I took my 6 year old to Frozen, and there was a family with a couple kids including a toddler sitting next to me and I thought- well at least it’s cheaper than getting a sitter… the toddler actually slept through most of the show.

          1. CityMouse*

            I saw Frozen on tour with my 5 year old and it’s definitely outside of the norm for age of kids. I’ve seen Lion King on tour and there were not that many young kids. Broadway is also much stricter than touring shows about age of attendees. The websites for both The Lion King and Aladdin on Broadway says they won’t admit kids under 4 and don’t recommend it for under 6. 14 months is a very young toddler and there’s a very, very good chance they get refused entry.

      2. I lived in New York but not that New York*

        Yeah, Broadway is a no go for us. Whether or not they are allowed, it’s not the space for my children at these ages.

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      Look for events with the New York public library. I’m sure there’s probably some sort of story hours or something along those lines.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      The Staten Island Ferry is free and goes by the Statue of Liberty, so a great way to see it. Plus you are on a boat, and 4 is right at the age to enjoy new forms of transport. (For the same reason, may enjoy the subway.)

      Two smaller museums:

      The Museum of Math was just delightful, very interactive and very little reading of long signs, cool new things to explore for both people with hard science PhDs and also for tiny children. (Downstairs there’s a series of projected games that kids figure out, e.g. you kick the red circle around the grid to make it green.)

      The Cloisters is north, collected the Met’s medieval things and built them into a building, so it feels like an old monastery that happens to have landed on a bluff overlooking the Hudson. Several gardens.

      1. RagingADHD*

        October should be lovely to visit the Cloisters! They have a medieval style knot garden. It is located in Fort Tryon Park, and the Ft Tryon Park Trust publishes a bloom guide of what to look for. In October it should include both blooms and interesting foliage or seed pods.

        Also, someone upthread mentioned the Natural History Museum – not far from there on the Upper West Side is Alice’s Tea Cup, an “Alice in Wonderland” themed tearoom where they would probably enjoy lunch.

        There’s always FAO Schwartz and the American Girl Place.

        And check out the High Line in Chelsea, as well as the Sugar Hill Children’s Museum of Art and Storytelling.

        They will probably get fascinated by something random, like using a MetroCard on the bus or seeing a fire truck, and the 4 year old will talk about nothing else when you get home. But that’s okay. Great experiences nourish you like good meals, whether you consciously remember them or not.

      2. Clisby*

        Seconding the Staten Island Ferry and The Cloisters. (I’ve never been to the Museum of Math.)

    6. CityMouse*

      The one thing I’ll advise is if either kid is sound sensitive at all, bring those hearing protection earmuffs. Especially if you’re in Midtown the cars and traffic can be loud.

      There are multiple Children’s museums in NYC, the Brooklyn one being the most famous. Central Park is HUGE and there’s a lot you can do just walking around. They’re young so just finding a.l playground is probably a must.

        1. noname today*

          There the big marble slide in Central Park—good for 4 year old and parent 14 month old can wait at the bottom and cheer them on. There’s also a lot of other age-appropriate playgrounds nearby

      2. Cardboard Marmalade*

        I grew up in Brooklyn and came here to recommend the Children’s Museum! Such a special place!

    7. I just really can’t think of a name*

      We live here (NYC) and have a 9 year old. I recommend thinking strategically by neighborhood and not trying to do too much with young kids. I also recommend treating visiting a new playground like it’s equal to the more “name brand” experiences. Both because it’s true (a new playground is awesome!) and because it’s so much easier on your wallet.

      Lower Manhattan
      The ferry ride to the Statue of Liberty is fun for kids all on its own, and then wandering around the statue and museum will take at least an hour or two. I recommend skipping Ellis Island with little kids, but it’s included so you can decide on the fly whether to hop off the ferry when it stops. There are quite a few SOL ferry scams around Battery Park, so make sure to buy your tickets from statueofliberty [dot] org (and read through the info about where to go to board the ferry).

      The Sea Glass Carousel is fun and pretty close to the ferry dock. My son still loves riding the World Trade Center elevator to the top (this is a paid experience – not free); I wouldn’t do the 9/11 museum with young kids. We always stop by Teardrop Park – it’s a great natural rocky playground with a very cool slide; the sprinklers are great in summer but they’ll probably be off in October.

      Central Park
      Central Park is full of fun stuff to do with kids – both indoors and out. On the east side, you have the Met Museum – my son loves the pyramids and the armor. And then you can hit the Ancient Playground.

      On the west side, the American Museum of Natural History is iconic (dinosaurs, etc.). Belvedere Castle isn’t too far, if you also want a nice walk in the park.

      The Central Park Zoo is very small, which makes it ideal for young kids – Billy Johnson playground nearby (near E 67th St entrance) and Hecksher playground (closer to Columbus Circle) are also well worth checking out.

      Times Square
      Times Square can be pretty overwhelming, but is fun to walk through. If you’re traveling with a partner and can divide and conquer, your 4 year old might really love the Lion King. (Bring ear protection for both of you – it’s uncomfortably loud.) Checking out the Lego Store probably goes without saying.

      Brooklyn
      The Transit Museum is so much fun, and easy to get to by subway. You can make a day of it and head up to Brooklyn Bridge Park Pier 1 Playground – you can get pizza (to go) from Grimaldis or Juliannas and (of course) dessert at Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory. If you’ve got the energy, you can walk across the Brooklyn Bridge to get back into Manhattan.

      NJ
      If your kid is obsessed enough to want another view of the statue, you might check out Liberty State Park in Jersey City. (But I’d only recommend this if you’ll have a car.) You get great views of the back of the statue from the park and there’s a fun kids playground (the one in the middle of the park – the one at the south end is smaller). If the weather turns against you, Liberty Science Center is great for kids.

      *Final advice: NYC is a LOT of walking, and many tourist activities are also a lot of standing and walking. You might need to spend at least a few after lunchtimes in your hotel room, napping. Zero shame. Also, there will come a point when everyone is tired and spending 15 minutes waiting for the subway will make you all want to cry. It’s worth seeing if you can borrow a travel booster for the 4 year old (something like a Bubble Bum or Mifold) and carseat (something like the WayB Pico or a XS Ride Safer vest if it will fit) for the 1 year old so that you can hop in a cab when this happens. (Don’t obsess about safety ratings and rear facing – this is for a short, low speed taxi ride where the alternative is holding the 1 year old on your lap.)

      Have a great trip!

      1. Jamie Starr*

        ^ This is all good advice. One thing I would add about Times Square: there are tons of people dressed as cartoon characters, like Elmo, Spiderman, etc. They are not official Marvel or Sesame Street or Disney. They will try to approach you and get you to take a picture with them; then they will expect you to give them money. I would avoid them/this. They can get kind of aggressive/nasty about it.

        If you feel like venturing to Queens, you could go to the Museum of the Moving Image (movingimage dot org) where there is a Jim Henson exhibit.

      2. Mila*

        Live in NYC with my 3 kids and agree that building your plans around neighborhoods are the way to go. There are so many good playgrounds and then you can pop into a cafe and get snacks/treats as needed.

        There’s a cool playground on the West side highway with two enormous fish you can climb in. Also Brooklyn Bridge Park has some good ones (I like pier 6) and great views.

        there’s a library in the west village that has a nice big children’s room with some toys and things too.

        finally, if your 4 y.o. uses a scooter, that can be a great way to cover more ground.

    8. California Dreamin’*

      On a week- long visit when my kids were elementary school aged, I researched all the different playgrounds in Central Park and we stopped by a bunch of them to check out their different vibes. Also just traipsing through the park was fun and I imagine would be glorious in October.

      Most kids enjoy the Natural History Museum.

    10. Patty Mayonnaise*

      All of the advice above is great! The only thing I don’t think anyone mentioned is Governor’s Island. It has the best views of the Statue of Liberty IMO and it has some fun playground-y stuff, like the longest slides in NYC. You can take a ferry there from lower Manhattan.

    12. Distractable Golem*

      You could spend the whole week in Central Park. There are remote-control boat rentals on the conservancy water, all these cool playgrounds, a zoo, castles, forts, and so much more.

  27. BellaStella*

    What is a food thing that reminds you of childhood that you forgot about until reading about it? A comment above has reminded me of pimento cheese. We used to have this growing up 50 years ago and when my folks liked in The South it was sold in varieties there. It has made me miss my folks a lot… in a good way I guess. We also used to get government cheese when I was little as we were poor. Just having coffee this morning on my balcony and reminiscing about stuff like NJ deli treats like capicola and mortadella and remembering how my dad made sandwiches and my mom liked mayo but not mustard. Has a food memory been triggered by reading for you?

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I don’t generally drink soda or like anything pineapple-flavoured, but very occasionally I’ll get nostalgic for Lilt, a “tropical” soft drink that isn’t available any more. I also get nostalgic for the foods my long-deceased Russian grandmother used to make. Even though I’ve been vegetarian for decades, I have to admit that she made incredible meatballs.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        It is available, at least in Ireland. It’s just been rebranded as Fanta (Pineapple and Grapefruit). I don’t know if it’s available where you are, but might be worth a look.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Huh, I didn’t know that, thank you to both of you for mentioning it! I wonder if I would hate it as an adult. Maybe it’s best kept as a distant memory.

    2. InkyFingers*

      Read Blues in the Night a while back (good story, author needed a proofreader tho!) where murder victim was a Dutchman who had recreated a “lost” tulip. I grew up in a very Dutch community (altho I am not) famed for its Tulip Time. Reading made me long for the rusk soaked in warm milk and slathered with sugar that I’d loved as a kid. Haven’t had it since, as it certainly isn’t available in the South where I’ve lived for decades.

        1. InkyFingers*

          It’s a very, very, verrrry dry bread, usually in a round shape and the slices about ¾-inch thick. Babies are often given it to teeth on. To actually eat it though it has to be softened, usually in hot milk but I knew of people who used warm water (yuck). It is quite a Dutch thing!

          1. Generic Name*

            That’s funny you mention it’s never eaten dry. My mother used to eat it dry (maybe with canned tuna?) in the 80s I think because it was weight watchers approved or something? I remember trying one and thinking it was wretched.

          2. Catherine*

            Wait, is it not eaten dry in other countries? In Japan rusk is eaten dry with tea or coffee as a snack!

      2. Sue Smith*

        I liked homemade rusk as a kid, too. I thought it was Swedish. Wikipedia informs me that there’s a version in many countries.

    4. CityMouse*

      I have this very weird mental association between peanut butter cookies and watching the movie Bambi when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I don’t know why that particular association is so strong in my head.

    5. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      Betty Crocker Noodles Romanoff. My grandmother made it for us. I know it wasn’t particularly healthy but I loved it and I miss it.

    6. A313*

      Tunafish on toast! Take one can of tunafish and add it to a can of cream of mushroom soup in a pot on the stove to heat it up. I’m thinking the can of mushroom soup instructions to add a certain amount of milk was modified to probably half, as the mixture was fairly thick. When it’s heated through, serve a ladleful on a piece of toast. I might make this next week; I haven’t had it in decades.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        In a similar vein: I was always wildly happy when mom made creamed chipped beef on toast (thinly sliced beef in what was probably Cream of Mushroom soup). I’m not a beef-eater these days, but your tuna on toast sounds like a perfect alternative.
        Thanks, A313, for suggesting my lunch today!
        Sidebar: She also made what we called Mom’s Goulash: a mixture of small elbow macaroni, ground beef, stewed tomatoes and tomato sauce, and spices. My brother (who’s the best remaining cook in the family) and I have been trying for decades to re-create it; still haven’t gotten the flavor just right, but we’re not giving up.

        1. The Week Ends*

          lol we called it Donna’s Delight, her first name. Her secret ingredient was plenty of chili powder. Yum.

        2. dapfloodle*

          Forrest Rhodes, I wasn’t especially familiar with this type of “goulash” but my husband’s family in West Virginia makes it and so do other folks in the area. The Budget Bytes website has a recipe for a slightly fancier version of it so you might take a look at that? I made it for my husband and he agreed that it was close, just, his family would not add red wine as an ingredient in a dinner recipe, etc.

          1. Forrest Rhodes*

            Wow, thanks, dapfloodle, I’ll look that up!

            And yeah, I don’t think ours technically qualified as “goulash,” but we had family names for everything. Example: Mom made this veggies-meat-broth-herbs/spices concoction that was known as “Stoop” (or “Stewp”)—because it was a bit thinner than stew, and a bit thicker than soup.

            I’ll definitely be spending some kitchen time this weekend …

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Occasionally I see memes about those Sobe juice drinks with the lizard on the bottle and I can taste it just thinking about them. My school had a vending machine with some other brand of juice that was very similar, there were 2 or 3 flavors (I’m just thinking like… pink and orange. I don’t remember the flavor names lol) and they were so sugary I usually regretted them as soon as I finished the bottle.

    8. ElastiGirl*

      During the pandemic, my just-out-of-college kids moved home. I bought a ton of old school comfort food. One day I started cooking Kraft macaroni and cheese. My daughter came down the stairs, sniffed, and said, “It smells like my childhood.”

    9. Sitting Pretty*

      Frusen Gladje! Which I had completely forgotten was a thing until reading My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix. There is a great, if rather graphic, scene in the book involving a pint of strawberry Frusen Gladje.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Yum, I love pimento cheese. I have a grilled cheese recipe using that I’ll have to dig up.

      I would say “treat” foods like Dairy Queen or A&W. My mother made the enormous mistake of telling my sister and me about how, when she was a kid, she and her sister would chant “we wanna A&W ROOT beer!” over and over when in the car with her dad and he’d pull into the drive in.

      So of course we continued the family tradition! I don’t much care for root beer otherwise, but having one in those frosty glass mugs was a great moment for us.

  28. PX*

    Little Joys Thread?

    As someone who has been a fan of Ilona Maher for a while now (shoutout all the rugby people), the love-fest that has been the comments/reactions to her SI cover have been so lovely to see. And you know what seeing photos of a strong, fit, and lets be honest, fairly conventionally attractive woman does for me? Makes me think I really miss having muscles :( One day, I will be a regular in the gym again!

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve been swimming twice in three days! Only possible because I’m visiting my parents, and they live within a very short drive of a small pool that doesn’t attract big crowds. Where I live, I don’t have a car, or a pool that is as convenient to reach / quiet to visit, and so I never swim. But I love it and it gave me great satisfaction this week.

      1. PX*

        This was also a small joy for me. I took the afternoon off and went swimming with a friend and man I miss having a nice pool near me!

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Being in the same time zone as my kid, who just moved back East after six years in CA.

    4. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      We moved last year, and the sturdy little Anthrocart I’d been using as a desk for the previous 20 years sticks out like a sore thumb in the living room where we keep the computers. After months of listless looking, I finally found a grown-up desk I liked and placed the order!

    5. allathian*

      We saw a live adaptation of LotR, or more specifically, Frodo and Sam’s journey at the Tampere Hall. They skipped Tom Bombadil and only mentioned the Barrow Downs in passing. No mention of Rohan or Helm’s Deep, for example, and Aragorn got the reforged Anduril before they left Lothlorien. The death of the Witch King was shown as a flashback just before Aragorn’s coronation.

      But it featured the journey from Bilbo’s birthday to Sam settling down to write his part of the story. But even so, the performance lasted 4 hours 15 minutes with two intermissions (25+15 minutes).

      The performance was great! It featured pyrotechnics, including juggling burning torches and stuntpeople whose capes were on fire, smooth transformation of the scenery, and projected backdrops and translucent curtains where snowstorms could be projected.

      The production included a school of circus arts, and the acrobatics were amazing. So was the music, played by a full symphony orchestra. It’s actually the first time I’ve heard a symphony orchestra live, and I definitely want to experience it again. The amplification was good and not overly loud, so the actors could still be heard, and during most significant dialog, the orchestra didn’t play. The score was new, although it featured a few intentional tips of the hat to Howard Shore’s work.

      My favorite part was the casting. All of the hobbits except Sam were played by women, and so was Gimli. Galadriel was played by a tall AMAB actor who enjoys roles where they can explore their gender identity, the same actor also played the Mouth of Sauron. Aragorn was played by one of my favorite Finnish actors, Antti Reini.

      Some of the non-speaking roles were played by actors with intellectual disabilities who are members of an amateur theater for disabled actors. But they got paid for their participation in this and had a support person behind the scenes.

      A great evening, even if we had to drive in heavy rain for much of the way and were home just after midnight.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Wow, that sounds so cool!! As a huge Tolkien fan I would love to see this! Especially intrigued by the orchestral music (I love Howard Shore’s music for the films but it’s become so dominant in my mind it’s always a fun surprise to hear other musical interpretations of Tolkien.)

    6. Forrest Rhodes*

      After ten straight days of fairly intense work—I freelance, at home—I met all deadlines, then rewarded myself with the perfect Recuperation/Restoration Day yesterday:

      I slept in (thank you, feline overlord!); had an outstanding, leisurely Huevos Surprise breakfast (the surprise is what you find in the fridge to add to the huevos); and spent the rest of the nice cool day doing absolutely nothing of significance—just reading for fun and watching the birds throw a pool party in the water dish on my front porch. I didn’t wear shoes all day.

      Definitely a day worth waiting (and working) for!

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finally got some cleaners in to help de-poison my dead-roach-filled/roach-poison filled apartment. We’re half done, and I think I might be able to move back in in the foreseeable future. : )

    8. Industry Behemoth*

      Went to my local AMC theater for a special 70th anniversary showing of the 1954 Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window.

      This was my first time seeing it, the theater was about 2/3 full, and the film was terrific. At the end, we applauded enthusiastically. It was a wonderful experience.

      2. allathian*

        I missed the 80th anniversary showing of the 1942 classic Casablanca. That’s one movie I’d love to see on the big screen.

    9. fposte*

      Paralympics are on! I find them more interesting than the Olympics, both because I actually know a (now retired) Paralympian and because I find the greater individuality and technical challenges fascinating. Brazil’s Gabriel Araujo killed it for an amazing gold in the backstroke.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Finally getting to have friends over for dinner after two months of rescheduling!

    12. carcinization*

      My usually rambunctious kitten (6 months old this week) has been very sweet today and has spent much of the afternoon curled up nearby like a perfect cinnamon roll (yes, I’ve taken some pictures for posterity). He’s fine, he was just up most of the night doing shenanigans so he’s a bit worn out.

    13. AGD*

      Went to a bunch of garage sales. In the process, got to know a new favorite café and a newly established thrift shop!

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My rescue dog is settling in well. We went up to the city and walked in the park yesterday. He was super friendly with people AND other dogs without being crazy jumpy.

  29. Angstrom*

    Morning curiosity: Do you have a pattern for taking eggs out of the carton?
    I take from alternate ends, outside in, because it keeps the balance point of the carton more or less constant.

    2. Buni*

      Likewise take them to maintain the balance of the box, and will rearrange as nec. Eggs sit out (in the box) on the counter, so the box is more likely to be accidentally knocked.

      1. NotBatman*

        Yes! I’ve only dropped a carton in the kitchen once, but once was enough. I’m now ultra-careful to keep the box balanced by taking from the middle and working out.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I buy them in cartons of 24, so the carton mostly stays on the fridge shelf and I just take out eggs rather than the whole thing – so I tear the lid off and take the first two rows first, then when those are empty I rotate the whole carton so the empty part is at the back and I can reach the eggs in the new front again.

    5. Tx_Trucker*

      I have fresh farm eggs. So I always take eggs in order starting on the left side since those are the oldest. This isn’t a “standard” but the way I place them in the carton when collecting.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I also try to keep the carton balanced but take them out in patterns depending on how many I need. So like 2 eggs from a full carton I would take from the middle, but from a partly empty carton I might take one from each side. If I need 3 I either take them in a visually pleasing way or rearrange the other eggs to be as symmetrical as possible after, etc.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      Yep, I have a pattern for keeping the weight centered but I like it to be visually interesting also. I like to keep the weight at the ends rather than in the middle and often alternate slots.

    9. MissB*

      I have 17 hens, so I get a lot of eggs. Like, a lot.

      I have the primary egg carton and I load the oldest eggs in there, moving the eggs up thru the carton as I use them, usually when I’ve used about half of the carton. Then I grab the other cartons and move the eggs up.

      I suppose I could just use the whole carton worth of eggs up but my extra cartons are in the basement so it’s just easier to fill the existing fridge cartons to capacity and not leave any empty spaces rather than walk down and get yet another carton.

      I gathered 12 eggs yesterday, lol. I have a mixture of old hens and pullets and the pullets are starting to lay so I’m just overwhelmed with eggs.

    10. Pocket Mouse*

      Egg strategy, by Randall Muroe: https://xkcd.com/2408/

      I do chaotic neutral (which I think should be switched with chaotic good). I try to keep eggs more on the ends than in the middle, because I hold the end of the carton to take it out of the fridge and I find that more balanced than grabbing empty carton with ALL the egg weight in a different part of the carton.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m a mix of lawful good and chaotic neutral (agree about chaotic good). I love that this is a thing, both this thread and the comic.

    11. Samwise*

      I have chickens, so I load the cartons oldest to newest. Older eggs for hard cooked eggs. Newer eggs for baking and breakfast.

  30. Brontosaurus*

    What’s a good app to organize recipes? My current system of Googling every time I want to make something I’ve tried before isn’t cutting it.

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I love Copy Me That and use it almost daily. You can save recipes straight off websites, categorise them, and add them to weekly meal plans. If you have Google Lens on your phone, or something similar, you can also copy the text from a photo or screenshot and paste it into the app, so you don’t have to go hunt down images every time you’re after a certain recipe.

    2. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      Less an app than a system:
      (a) Save recipes that look interesting as PDFs, so you don’t have to worry about them going offline. [Be sure to verify, as some sites cut off information!]
      (b) Save in a PDF manager. I use Bookends, which is really a reference manager, but it works.
      (c) Print what’s getting tested. Add notes (converting to grams, replacements, etc). If the recipe is successful, save in plastic sleeve in three-ring binder.
      (d) If the notes are extensive enough, edit the PDF and repeat (c).

    3. BlueWolf*

      I use Paprika. It can load save recipes directly from websites or you can copy and paste a link into the app. It is also easy to make grocery lists from the recipes. I’ve used it for years. I think it’s a small one time fee to purchase, but it’s totally been worth it to me.

      4. Last Alys*

        Paprika, on my phone and computer. Worth every penny. There’s usually a 50% off sale in November.

    4. Generic Name*

      I use a one note notebook. It’s not perfect, but it’s easy to use and search. The downside is sometimes the formatting gets weird when you copy/paste an internet recipe in there, but it’s easy enough to fix from my laptop. I like that it’s cross platform so I use my iPad to cook, and can double check ingredients from my iPhone at the grocery store and do serious formatting repairs from my PC.

    5. Florence Reece*

      I loooooove Recipe Keeper. There’s a one-time fee (*per OS platform, unfortunately) but it’s reasonable and I rely on it every dang day. You can import recipes from websites or photos and customize them as needed, there’s tons of categorization/tagging options, you can search for any ingredient you need to use up and get a list of all recipes that include that. I would be such a mess without it. You can create grocery lists (as many as you want — I keep one for groceries to buy and one for what’s in my pantry) and plan your meals per day, including freeform text if you don’t have the recipe saved or you’re going out for dinner. It’s very handy!

      (*Windows, iOS, and Android, iirc. I have an iPhone and a Windows PC, so I had to buy it twice which isn’t ideal. But it was a super reasonable price and my two versions sync perfectly, and all the features mean it was worth it to me.)

    6. MissB*

      I like paprika.

      (It also let’s me scoot around the NYT log in by copying the recipe without logging in.)

  31. Travel Disasters*

    Alright, this weekend’s disaster of a trip reminded me that I’m a terrible traveler; my goodness, it’s so stressful that a seemingly tiny mistake (like, oh, say, leaving your wallet in a cab) can create absolute chaos and so much stress I wish I’d never left home. One of my main problems when trying to travel seems to be that my digital life is not organized; I have multiple email accounts (some mostly throwaways, others tied to a public-facing hobby) and although I’ve tried to get better about using password patterns, doing something like, oh say, logging into your bank to freeze credit cards etc becomes – just impossible? I don’t have my regular computer with me and I’m in a different city so nothing is being recognized when I try to log in, even when I do know the passwords (which I have written down … at home). My 2 factor keeps failing and I can’t always find wifi. In past I lost a phone while travelling and that was even worse. Do other people have themselves better organized for such things or are we all muddling through stuff like this?

    1. Cacofonix*

      Set up a password manager like Nordpass, Lastpass, Norton pw manager. It was a game changer for me after checking with my friend who is an expert in digital security who swears by them.

      1. illuminate*

        Password managers can be great, but not Lastpass. They had a security breach that revealed basically everything and they handled it terribly. Will never recommend them again. (I use Bitwarden.)

        1. anon24*

          I love Bitwarden. It’s the first password manager that I’ve tried that I’ve actually liked, ported all my stuff into instead of a few things to try, and I’ve stuck with it for awhile. It will generate new passwords for accounts. I set my master password to a long sentence that is one of my favorite quotes that no one knows so I’ll never forget it and don’t need to write it down, so I can access my vault from any device even if I’d lose my phone or computer.

      2. Observer*

        Set up a password manager like Nordpass, Lastpass, Norton pw manager

        Excellent idea, but skip LastPass. They messed up pretty badly a while ago and I have not seen any evidence that they have fully cleaned up their act.

        Other choices are BitWarden, 1Pass and Dashlane (although that one is pricey.)

        I’d add that you might want to get a hardware token (like the yubikey) that does NOT live in your wallet, but always stays with you. Make sure that every account the uses 2FA can use that as your second factor.

        For me, it’s my phone that I use as a fall back, because I don’t keep my phone in my wallet – I always wear it, so if my purse gets stolen I still have that.

    2. Double A*

      Yes. I used a password manager. I use 1password. It takes awhile to set up but then I always have access to everything.

      Losing a phone while travelling is going to be pretty debilitating no matter what but even then having a password manager means someone at home could probably help you more easily if they have access to your computer because they can log into what you need.

    4. Generic Name*

      I have a password manager on my phone, so I can log into anything, anywhere. But you have to be diligent about updating the sagas sword in the app when you change it. You might also try coming up with a system to keep track of important items like phone/wallet/keys. My husband always says to himself “phone, wallet, keys” as he leaves the house and checks that he has each before locking up. I keep my purse in one spot in the house, and when I travel, I pick a spot where I’m staying to put it so I’m not always searching for it. I also don’t have my wallet or phone out unless I’m actively using them. So it’s in my bag or pocket ache bulk of the time.

    5. Juneybug*

      I log on all of my travels apps before I leave the house. It had saved me from having to create new passwords on the road.
      I also ensure “locate my phone” feature is turned on.
      There will always be mishaps during travel so I try to “test” everything before I go.

  32. WellRed*

    What’s cooking? I’m trying my hand at candied jalapeños since I came home to a mini bumper crop of peppers. This is outside my comfort zone but how else you gonna learn?

    1. Becky S*

      Good for you! Follow a recipe and see what happens. The first time I tried making harissa, I followed the recipe exactly and it turned out well.

    2. Excel Gardener*

      Just follow the recipe, and if something confuses you look up a YouTube video about it (there’s endless cooking videos on YouTube).

    3. Jackalope*

      I made a lovely scorched eggplant salad this week. You take thin, young eggplants, put them in a frying pan with no oil (on top of aluminum foil so you don’t kill the pan), and cook until they’re soft and the skin is pretty burned (this is why they need to be thin; otherwise the middle isn’t done by the time the skin is scorched). Peel and drain them (I take the squishy insides and put them on a wooden cutting board tilted into a baking dish to catch the juice). Once they are drained and cooled, put them in the fridge overnight.

      The next day drain off any more liquid and use a mixer to beat them with a (raw) egg yolk, some vegetable oil, and salt to taste. I usually start with three eggplants and about half a cup of veg oil and then add more oil if it’s not creamy enough.

      Spread on toasted bread and top with sliced tomatoes, and with finely minced onions if desired.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      A new pastitsio recipe, and chicken tikka masala! Husband is making mac and cheese with ham steaks and spring veggie soup.

    5. carcinization*

      I’m making Half-Baked Harvest’s Spicy Miso-Braised Beef Ramen recipe (slow cooker version) for the first time. I have to say, onions are big where I live and my husband and I aren’t huge allium freaks, so I did an adjustment of using 1 onion and 2 shallots instead of 3 onions and 4 shallots… it wouldn’t even have fit in my big crockpot otherwise since onions here are usually around 1 lb (and that would also have been more onions than meat by a decent margin). I’m also going to add a little frozen corn at the end because I like corn in my ramen when I go to ramen places. I hope it turns out well but I’m already thinking I’ll need to let it cook a bit longer than the recipe says in order for the meat to be easily shred-able. The broth already tastes really good though.

    7. Chelly*

      I made velveted chicken for the second time. it really makes the chicken so tender and flavorful. I also made stir fried vegetable onions and carrots with a splash of soy sauce. so delicious

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I have a recipe for velvet chicken I’ve been meaning to try for years–will definitely do so next week!

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m visiting family in my home country, and made several batches of tahini, hazelnut and chocolate cookies to give away as gifts.

      Also, I can’t leave here without making my mother a huge jar of homemade granola – she loves it so much and will ask for it if I seem to forget. So that’s part of my afternoon plan today.

  33. Fickle Pickle*

    What have you learned about yourself that makes you disappointed? Not looking for low hanging fruit like eating more vegetables. Mine is this. Lincoln is my favorite president. I enjoyed all the tourist stuff in DC and Springfield. I’ve bought several books (Leading Up, Lincoln on Leadership, And There Was Light) that I’m struggling to get through because they’re just heavy reads. What are yours? Suggestions for either muscling through or letting go are welcome.

    1. WellRed*

      In the second grade, my prize for winning the spelling bee was a children’s biography of Lincoln. I loved and treasured that book! I’m disappointed to learn I’m not as much of a self starter as I always assume.

    3. Ronnie*

      I occasionally buy very long “heavy read” type books related to my hobbies. I think of them as “small doses” books. I make a goal to read one or two chapters each weekend. Takes a long time to get through them, but I do get through them and am glad to have read them.

      I’m disappointed about myself for something related to work, so can’t say it here!

    4. Nicosloanicota*

      I’m just not good in the clutch and never will be. All my heroes are cool under fire but I get easily flustered and will make weird mistakes that were weird in retrospect :(

    5. Knighthope*

      The kindness and patience I’m known for
      form a pretty thin veneer at times, especially when dealing with aging parents.

    6. Sitting Pretty*

      My initial reaction when someone tells me about a win in their life is jealousy and bitterness, and often comes with a thought about how they don’t really deserve it. It’s an instantaneous reaction and I never let it guide my response. I do arrive at not just saying I’m happy for them but actually being happy for them within about 2 seconds.

      But still. I’m so disappointed that even after all these years and an abundance of blessings in my own life, my default setting is so small-hearted. It’s like my love for my friends and dear ones is still playing catch-up with some core, grinchy part of me that is mad someone else got the last cookie.

      1. Ismis*

        Sitting Pretty – I read this somewhere and remind myself of it whenever I have an ungenerous thought.

        “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are.”

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      That no matter how much I exercise I’ve missed the window for it making much difference from an appearance standpoint.

    8. carcinization*

      I can’t keep plants alive, like, not even things like succulents. No, I’m not over-watering, people always say I should just water them once a week or less and that’s what I do! And yes, I’m letting them get a bit of indirect sunlight, not scorching direct sun or no sun at all. And they still die. So I don’t buy plants (I guess this would be the “letting go” referred to at the beginning of this thread), but once in awhile someone gives me one (like the current droopy aloe on my end table), and this starts all over again.

    10. The Dude Abides*

      Anyone reading this – if you’re coming to Springfield for Lincoln stuff (or any other reason), let me know in a weekend thread and I’ll offer some local intel.

    11. Goldfeesh*

      I’ve stopped reading books and can’t make myself restart. I’ve always thought of myself as a reader and I’m not one any longer. I used to think of myself as an artist/crafty because I was a good drawer, did a little painting. All of that is gone too. I think using smartphones/computers took that away from me.

  34. Professor Plum*

    Overcast update: there was a conversation a couple weeks ago about the overcast app for podcasts. The streaming function is back in case you tried you something else and want to check it out again.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, the more people I meet, the more people I meet who have grown up in cult-ish situations. I do feel heartened whenever I see them out and about in the world, broadening their horizons. I have some overseas family whom I’ve met who are definitely still in a religious cult, but it was cool to see them explore New York. One of them found it really interesting to be somewhere where no one’s really paying attention to or judging everything you’re doing.

        I’ve also realized that there are way more varied cult-ish situations in this world than I thought — I gave an assignment on cults they may have encountered to my students, and a lot of them came up with non-religious situations, like their sports team or their academic boot camp program.

    8. Morning Reader*

      Depends a lot on context and their age. Someone who’s my age or older, might be reflecting on life’s journey, giving background, so I’d respond with curiosity. Which one? How was it getting out and how do you feel about it now? Or I might laugh, assuming they were joking.
      A young person, teens or 20s? I’m so sorry, that must be hard. (As needed: how can I help, or, can I help?)

    10. anon24*

      It would be context dependent of course, but I would think they were telling me “my childhood was wildly different than others and I’m still trying to adapt to being in the real world, so please view any interactions we have in that light and have some grace.” I would also feel extremely sorry for them.

      I did not grow up in a cult but I grew up extremely sheltered and I’m in my 30s and still have no idea how to “human” (it doesn’t help that I’m neurodivergent) and it’s hard not to trauma dump on people when all I want to do is convey: I know I’m weird, I’m sorry, I can’t help it, if I offend you I didn’t mean to be a jerk, I just don’t understand these social conventions you humans live by.

    11. Irish Teacher.*

      Depends on the person and how it was said. In most cases, my thought would be shock. Much the same reaction as I’d have if somebody said they’d been abused. I’d also feel like it was an expression of trust in me that they told me.

      I’m not sure how I’d react. Probably awkwardly, because it’s not something I know much about.

      The exception would be if the person seemed a bit of an edgelord and said it flippantly. Then I’d wonder if they were doing an “all religions are cults so my parents making me go to church was totally the same as people who were completely controlled” or something like that.

    12. not my usual self*

      My childhood best friend used to say this once she got to college age or so, and she was just talking about a garden-variety “attending a conservative megachurch on Sundays” type upbringing. Her parents let her date and go to keg parties and even the Marilyn Manson concert when she was in high school, as well as wear vinyl pants and dog collars and whatever, and knew she kept a bong in her closet, so was pretty hard to take this statement of hers seriously knowing all that.

    13. ecnaseener*

      I’d probably say something like “oh wow, that must have been tough.”

      My thoughts would be: This is someone who’s done the incredibly hard things of 1) coming to terms with the truth about the culture they were raised in and 2) leaving that culture behind and probably being rejected by almost everyone they knew. I feel so bad for them but admire their strength. I’m curious to know more but I don’t want to pry.

    14. Mutually supportive*

      I’d be really interested and have loads of questions, but also not want to make them uncomfortable, so maybe something like “are you comfortable talking about it?”

    16. ReallyBadPerson*

      Compassion, always. The person is saying they are still figuring out what normal is for everyone else. And they are likely suffering from having to leave people they still love behind.

  36. Rehab relative*

    I have a relative that has finally agreed to check into rehab for her bipolar /alcoholism. She’s on meds and has a medical team but it isn’t enough- it hasn’t been for a long time but she’s finally seeing it.

    As a family member, isn’t a lot to do, but one thing I’ve been told that could help is narrowing down the rehab center (she’s hospitalized right now). Any suggestions on where to go to get feedback on inpatient rehabs? Is it all word of mouth? Our relative is across the country; a parent of mine is on site with her but none of us are local in the sense that we know all the community resources. We’ve asked the Hosptial and are in touch with the local chapter of NAMI and have also looked at her insurance list of centers but are looking to do a little more vetting (like you would before sending a relative to a nursing home). She’s late 30s.

    Would appreciate any thoughts.

    1. WellRed*

      Honestly, I’m shocked you have options. In fact, make sure there are actually beds available. That might narrow your choices quickly.

      1. Rehab relative*

        We do have options, luckily she has some pretty good insurance and due to her Dx rehab is well covered.

        Looking at the facilities though we are running into some that look like a “goat yoga in the woods commune and possibly a cult” and some that look super institutional- she told us she is going to act like Jack Nicklaus in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest if we put her in a place like that ;).

        We are trying to tease out where she will actually get life skills and therapy to support her vs a detox- she is pretty detoxed, just very f*cked right now (was 4 years sober, had a manic episode, drank, got a DUI, didn’t take her meds in jail, went completely sideways, got held against her will, the whole thing).

    2. Harlowe*

      Actually speaking to each place is time consuming, but probably necessary. You will likely find the options narrowing as you do so.

      When I tried to help a relative with the same thing (alcoholism plus mental health issue), the restrictions were absolutely ridiculous. We won’t take you if you have active cirrhosis (so, just “healthy” alcoholics?), we won’t take you if you have any chronic conditions that require maintenance meds (they don’t want to be responsible for verifying and administering them), we won’t take you if your recovery requires psychiatry, and on and on. One place that we thought was going to take him switched to female-only in the MIDDLE of the application process, and all of a sudden at the end they were like “LOL, no dudes, sorry.”

      1. Bonsoir*

        My relative was definitely very cantankerous and disagreeable, and the (close-by!) rehab denied them because of a potential for violence? So they went to the much-further-away one, which made everything much harder on their support system. Add in having to work with insurance, and options are limited. However, what the hospital recommends isn’t a full listing of what’s available, from what I understand, so doing your own research is advisable.

    3. Miss Buttons*

      I would speak directly to the rehab director first. Not all substance abuse rehabs are expert in dual diagnosis (bipolar and alcoholism). You need one that is.

      1. Rehab relative*

        Thanks- we have already narrowed by that as well as a few other criteria. It’s more of, well, I guess the sense when you go for a tour? Or like, reviews of former patients? Or ratings/rankings? This may not be a thing.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I watched all the episodes of The Inspector Alleyn Mysteries on Tubi, it’s very good! Makes me wonder if I should try the books.
      Also watching Good Ship Murder, newly arrived on Britbox. It’s not very good. It’s light fare like Death in Paradise without any of the charm of the first season.

    2. WellRed*

      I started scandal last week finally but I’m already sick of it. Too much focus on trying to be weird and twisty, too much cringy angst with the Fitz/Olivia thing (pulverize!) and too many unlikabke characters with dragged out story lines (killer spies! Quinn!). So I started on the latest season of Greys, my old standby.

    3. Reebee*

      “The Facts of Life” on Tubi. I am the same birth-year age as Mindy Cohn and Nancy McKeon, so the show was perfect for me when I was a teenager. Feeling nostalgic these days, for whatever reason.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      I’ve been watching reruns on Tubi of a 20-yr old series ‘Dr. G – Medical Examiner.’ It’s a day-in-the-life series of a real medical examiner in Florida, and the mysterious cases of deceased folks who arrive at her morgue. She’s kind and personable, and the filming is discreet – no graphic shots of anything. I’ve learned so much about little things we do to our bodies that add up, and about how our organs do their marvelous job. It has really made me appreciate the value of diet & exercise, and overall healthy habits.

    5. Emperor’s New Clothes*

      Just restarted UnReal. Watched the first episode of the new season of Only Murders in the Building. Hoping to finish Ripley this weekend!

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      The Mallorca Files –murder mysteries in the vein of Death in Paradise or similar. Also finally watching Midnight Mass, which is stellar!

    8. Jackalope*

      Spouse and I have started watching the entirety of Star Trek The Next Génération (TNG). I’ve seen bits and pieces of it but not all of it in a row. I knew it wouldn’t have an ongoing story thread like some of the newer ones, but I wasn’t expecting it to have NO connecting threads besides the characters! It’s kind of zany, and you never know what’s coming next.

    11. The Dude Abides*

      Just finished the most recent half-season of Emily in Paris. My wife loves the show because Paris, so I am subjected to it anyway.

      I’m over the never-ending clusterfuck with Emily, Gabriel, Camille, and Sofia. I had sympathy for the child that was going to be born into that mess, but given that it was a false alarm, I’m just ready for the show to end.

    12. The Prettiest Curse*

      Just finished the second season of We Are Lady Parts and now I’m onto the second season of Sherwood, which is a crime drama set in Nottingham.

  38. Evan88*

    Calling all my fellow ADHD med takers, I’m looking for some breakfast suggestions that are kid friendly. I’m struggling to get high calorie food into 5 kids every morning so everyone is on time for the bus and the husband and I can get to work. Two of the five kids take adhd meds so they typically don’t eat or just pick at lunch then they’re hangry when they get home. They don’t react well to food dyes so I don’t do much processed foods. I bake every weekend but everyone is getting sick of muffins and banana breads. I’m thinking maybe some casserole ideas that I can microwave? What do other people do?

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know what your mornings are like. There are a bunch of breakfast casserole recipes that you can set up the night before, cover and refrigerate, and then bake in the morning. They do need about 45 minutes of baking time, though. Unless your family is very fussy, you could probably cook one in advance and just microwave portions of it, though.

      How picky are the kids generally? Would they eat oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts in it? How about avocado? That’s a nice high-calorie food with some fats for staying power. Breakfast burritos with scrambled eggs, cheese, and avocado are delicious. Serve them with salsa on the side.

      Some families do “breakfast for dinner.” Could you establish “dinner for breakfast”? Pizza is basically bread, meat and cheese. Pasta with sauce is super filling and can be heated in the microwave. Rice is a breakfast staple in many countries. If your kids won’t do savory for breakfast, you could do a rice pudding type preparation with dairy, sweetener, and dried fruit. Similar to oatmeal.

      1. African Queen*

        Smoothies are great. You can add a huge variety of ingredients to keep them interesting. Peanut butter, bananas, berries, granola, honey, protein powder if you like it.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Egg muffins” – beat together a dozen eggs (optional: throw in a big scoop of cottage cheese and blend it) and split it among a dozen greased muffin cups, add cheese and whatever omelet toppings you like, oven at 350 for about 20 minutes. They freeze well and reheat from frozen with 45 seconds in the microwave without getting funky texture, and can be eaten either as is, mashed with a fork into a breakfast burrito, on an English muffin as a sandwich.

      Also – sandwiches for breakfast? On toast, if that makes them feel more breakfasty :) turkey or ham and cheese, PB&J, egg salad all seem feasible.

    4. Shiara*

      Do you have an Instant Pot? We sometimes will make a stacks of egg bites and then put them in the fridge. They warm up in 20 seconds in the microwave without going rubbery.

      Overnight oats with nuts and dried fruit is one I’ve started doing recently since one of my kids has decided they love oatmeal.

    5. B)*

      5 kids is a lot! Nadiya Hussain (Nadiya’s Time to Eat on Netflix) has some quick morning recipes—I think there’s a French toast casserole that might work for you?

      Honestly, though, I just eat a big chunk of cheese/several cheese strings or peanut butter toast. Not the most adult breakfasts, but protein and not feeling queasy after taking my meds are my main goals.

      If feeling ambitious, I might do scrambled egg with tomato and mayo on toast (my favourite!) or a soft boiled egg with salt and pepper.

    6. Juneybug*

      For mornings – yogurt, smoothies, dried fruit, granola bar, trail mix, and string cheese.
      For afternoon snacks (aka late lunch) – crackers, cheese, deli meat, make your own pizza on English muffins, and bagel with cream cheese.
      The goal is light but filling food in the morning and heavier protein foods in afternoon.

    7. FACS*

      My son ate a lot of French toast. Good eggs, homemade bread, honey and a side of whatever fruit he wanted. Occasionally apple with peanut butter and raisins. It can be a challenge!

    8. Llellayena*

      Quiche? It can be made ahead and served cold or warmed up and can have a variety of ingredients. You can also make them in muffin tins for easy distribution.

    9. Qwerty*

      Egg casseroles were a staple in my house growing up, so I highly endorse them!

      I’ve also seen a lot of stuff on Pinterest for baking eggs in a muffin tin. Kodiak makes protein waffles that you can cook in the toaster. Instant oatmeal or cream of wheat (either packets or cups) is ready in <2min. There's probably an easy way to make a batch of regular oatmeal on weekends and heat it up.

      As an adult with ADHD who is not hungry in the morning – wheat toast with peanut butter used to be my quick and easy go to. Even just a glass of milk is better than nothing on a day when food is really unappetizing – it has protein and makes me feel full. Most Saturdays my brunch is a package of peanut butter cracker sandwiches

    10. Christmas cookie*

      My kids will eat French toast, heavy on the eggs, with a side of turkey sausage. I let them put a little powdered sugar on and they go wild. Husband or I make the French toast ahead of time.

      Or orient pancakes with a couple sprinkles or chocolate chips with a side of turkey sausage or bacon too. My youngest (6) picks at her food because she is NOT a morning so I cut it up and serve it on a skewer.

      Also, we do Greek yogurt smoothies they can sip on as they wait for the bus or in the car.

    11. Alex*

      I really love breakfast cookies. I’ve used the recipe from the site SheLikesFood (google breakfast cookies 6 ways). My favorite is the carrot cake flavor, but they all have the same base flavor and so I’ve also enjoyed the chocolate peanut butter ones.

      You can add (and I usually do add) chia, flax, and/or hemp seeds to up the protein and fat, and they are super nutritionally dense. You can eat them on the go or at home. You can have 2-3 for a large breakfast, or just one for a little snack.

    12. illuminate*

      Felt this hard- it’s really hard to get myself to eat breakfast and it sets me up so well for the rest of the day when I do!

      I’m a big proponent of eating non-breakfast foods for breakfast, probably because of this. Burritos, wraps, noodles, a breakfast burger? Oh man, I LOVE a breakfast burger.

      I also picked up this protein pancake mix the other week and it has been helping sustain me, especially since you can toss half a cup of it in a bowl with a quarter cup of water or milk and microwave it for a minute to produce a “pancake bowl” which I then top with fruit. I just checked the ingredients and it doesn’t list any dyes- Kodiak flapjack and waffle mix, Buttermilk flavor.

    13. Observer*

      In addition to the good ideas in this thread (and anything egg heavy is a GREAT idea), see if you can change up what you bake each week. Not in big ways, even, but small changes that change the taste (and color) to be “different”. Like if you replace the liquid in your muffins with tomoto juice, it is going to look and taste very different. (I’d make a very small batch of that, to start with, because sometimes the different liquid can have unexpected effects on the entire recipe because of things like the acidity of the liquid.)

      Also, sandwiches can be extremely flexible. Cheeses, peanut butter (get the plain ones without a ton of extra sugar), humus, tuna salad (which you can make in advance), chicken salad (same), or in fact any spread made from a high protein food are all good fillings that make for an easy and nutritious meal.

    14. Pam Adams*

      I like instant breakfast for a quick meal. (tastes better to me than protein drinks). I bought some small shaker bottles, so I can pre-mix a few and have them ready to drink.

  39. Frankie Bergstein has a narcissistic sister*

    Looking for how you coped if you went through something similar — what did you tell yourself? When did it stop hurting?

    I come from a family of origin (FOO) with an abusive dad, enabling mom, and question-mark of a sister. When we both became adults and lived on our own, I worked really hard to establish a relationship with her — making plans, doing things like arranging holidays and recognizing birthdays. She didn’t reciprocate, it hurt, and I dialed down my efforts.

    Slowly, as I’ve done my own healing work from my FOO, I realized that about 90% of my interactions with her are negative — lying, skipping out on the bill, being dismissive, etc. It has been many years since I have had a positive interaction — think a lunch where we exchange cursory update on our lives.

    I am, at least, realizing this is a harmful relationship that I need to end — I think I couldn’t see that before because I couldn’t accept that I had zero safe, loving members of my FOO (and that it wasn’t something I did or that I wasn’t good enough). It hurts, really stings and sits heavy.

    1. BellaStella*

      My therapist has recommended treating malignant narcissists as “patients who do not want to get treated or better” to create distance. Maybe that could be explored?

    2. Miss Buttons*

      Exactly. It hurts, stings and sits heavy. Your sister sounds very wounded. Dysfunctional families breed woundedness. I’ve found my support groups enormously helpful with FOO stuff. I hope you have one in addition to therapy.
      You asked when did it stop hurting? For me, after I got the support I needed elsewhere, not from family. When I stopped trying to save them. When I stopped expecting anything from them and made my own life and my own Family of My Choosing. When I listened to my support group fellows who said I deserve to be happy, joyous and free.
      I wish you the best. You are worth your own care.

    3. Juneybug*

      I am sorry that you are going through that with your sister. I hope you can have a better relationship in the future, but that will be up to her cause you tried your best.

  40. Nervous Nellie*

    Hi all! I work in a very high-stress industry, so I am always looking for books & movies that are calm, dreamy, relaxing, peaceful, quiet… any suggestions for books & movies to add to my roster? Thank you all for your thoughts!

    1. Blue Cactus*

      The Monk & Robot books by Becky Chambers are a really lovely and calming series of novellas!

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Thank you! I have to say I just read the first few pages in an online preview and was really annoyed by the swearing in the very first sentence. It doesn’t offend me, it just always feels like lazy writing. Swear words used to be passionate punctuation for emotional statements, but the sentence didn’t otherwise suggest any emotions. I know swearing is everywhere now, but it jars me out of the story every time. Still, I put a hold on the first one at the library. I will give it a shot!

    2. BellaStella*

      The books I loved last year are the series of Before the Coffee Gets Cold books by Toshikazu Kawaguchi

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Yes! I read this as part of a bookshop book group. Books like this are exactly what I’m after. Thanks!

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Based on someone’s recommendation here, I read Jerome K. Jerome’s late-1880s travelogue *Three Men in a Boat* about his trip up the Thames with some buddies and enjoyed it. It’s not exactly dreamy, but none of the events are too serious, and it’s pretty relaxing and mildly amusing.

      There’s also a 1930s book about an overworked clerk who accidentally takes a walking vacation around Britain, but darned if I can remember the name right now. I think I might have also read that one based on an AAM commenter’s recommendation, though, so maybe someone here will know!

      1. slowingaging*

        I second Jerome K Jerome. PG Wodehouse for just plain silly. Patrick McManus – theoretically its about hunting and fishing. Just reading his book titles makes me laugh. The shoot canoes don’t they. Jana Deleon Louisiana longshot.. Any book with a plot point of banana pudding wars meets my level of silly amusement.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Thirding Jerome K Jerome–Three Men is a great read! Keep in mind there’s a couple uses of language that wouldn’t fly today if that’s a thing for you.

          I really enjoy Banana Yoshimoto’s novels, and the duo novels Days/More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa–they’re very gentle stories.

          There’s also going back to your favorite YA novels–for me that’s everything from The Ghost Next Door to The Four of a Kind Family books.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Wonderful! I had forgotten about Banana Yoshimoto. I have Kitchen around here somewhere. And yes to YA – great idea. I will revisit the Bonnie books by Barbara Van Tuyl, and the Moomin series by Tove Jansson. A great antidote to stressful days. Thank you for that.

        2. Jay*

          Seconding Patrick McManus!
          His first collection of articles (that’s what they are, articles from when he wrote for print magazines), A Fine And Pleasant Misery is a perfect place to start. There is a surprising amount of heart to his writing.

        3. Nervous Nellie*

          Yes!!! Jeeves, of course – thank you. And long ago I read the Patrick McManus gem, Into the Twilight, Endlessly Grousing. Brilliant! I will grab some of his others.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Aha – the clerk on vacation who stumbles into some light mysteries! My library has one title – ordered, thanks!

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        Yeah! Read it – I love JKJ. And your second mention reminded me of Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods, which I should revisit. He is a cheerer-upper and a blood-pressure-dropper for sure. I will noodle around here and online to try to find your mystery book. It didn’t appear in fictiondb.com by description, but I feel there is a chat group somewhere (Reddit?) that answers the question, “What book is this?”

    4. illuminate*

      The Shivadh Romances are a series of shortish romance novels that are meant to evoke Hallmark- conflict minimal, cozy reads, but with a heavy dose of queer flavor. The first book, Fete for a King, is about how a food network expy show host meets and falls in love with a man who is about to be coronated as king of his small European country.

      You can buy them as ebooks or paperbacks or get them as free PDF downloads from the author’s website.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oooh, this sounds great! I read the short preview on Amazon and will head to the author’s site to buy a copy there. Thanks – this will jump to the top of my list asap.

    5. Isabel Archer*

      Martin Marten by Brian Doyle. Humanity, nature, animals, family, love and gentle humor. I just reread it last month, as I also needed something peaceful and dreamy.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Thanks! I just saw this after the weekend. This looks lovely. Ordered at the library. Much appreciated!

  41. AnonymousOctopus*

    Please help me not give up on introducing a new cat to my resident cat?

    Long story short, a neighbor wasn’t able to care for their one year old male cat. Cat has some medical issues and hasn’t had shots or been neutered. I took cat in once the vet confirmed he was negative for FIV/FLeukemia/FIP, but my resident cat is seriously Stressed & Unhappy. It’s been six days now and I’m losing hope that this will work out. My resident cat is a seven year old spayed female scaredy cat who likes quiet and isn’t the most social, but will say hi if things are calm. New cat is bold, loud and not scared. I just got him neutered yesterday so I’m hoping that will help some of it, but my resident cat has been hiding and has only eaten one real meal in the time he’s been with us. I’m following the Jackson Galaxy way of introducing them, but new cat hates being confined to one room and spends most his time screaming/yowling, which freaks out resident cat even more.

    I don’t know when I should throw in the towel. My number one priority is for my resident cat to be comfortable in her home. But their personalities are so different that I’m not sure whether I should be both of them in this non-optimal situation if it’s unlikely they will get along. We have good cat rescues around her and new cat will be way more adoptable with him being fixed, getting his shots and getting a specialist to look at the medical concerns I have about him, so if he doesn’t end up staying I’ll feel okay knowing he won’t be euthanized if I bring him to a shelter/rescue.

    Any words of encouragement? Advice? Personal experience?

    1. Kay*

      Take comfort in knowing you have good rescues to help and they will take care of rehoming your neighbor’s old cat, then do right by your current cat. You’ve done a good thing!

      1. Kay*

        I should add that I have lots of experience with this and sometimes it doesn’t quite work out the way you want. The best thing is to get all parties into a situation where they will be happiest. There is obviously something to be said for waiting things out, but you know your cat best and your first responsibility is to them. If the situation were more dire I could understand continuing, but it sounds like you have other good options – take them without guilt.

    2. WS*

      Six days is not very long! And if he’s recently been neutered, he now smells of vet. Confine your older cat to one room most of the time, and your new cat just a little of the time. I would give it at least another week, but a one-year-old healthy, outgoing, neutered cat is going to be highly adoptable.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I can’t have my own cats (or dogs) because I’m allergic, but I do like the pets of my friends. I’m sharing a thank you for being so kind to both cats and parting with the newcomer and helping him find a new home if it turns out to be needed.

      I have friends that adopted multiple stray cats at different times and when they didn’t get along, they confined the previous cats to one stuffy room. Their original cat was a target for one that had the run of the house. They told me he would viciously attack her if she got out, and she was the one who was confined to that small room when they should’ve not kept the new cat. Poor kitty.

      All of those cats have likely passed on. They’ve continued to adopt strays and last I heard they had nine or so and I imagine the situation is comparable. I wouldn’t know, because I was so upset that they forced the cats to live like this that I’ve never set foot in their house again.It’s definitely caused me to step back from the friendship, which fortunately is not as obvious because we live in different states.

    4. sswj*

      You can’t think in term of days, this intro period will be weeks or months.

      I don’t know Galaxy’s methods, but this is what I’d do:
      (I currently have 16 indoor cats having recently added a mom & 3 kittens, and have always had many multiples at any given time):
      – Feliway diffusers. My vet recommended the Optimum version, and it has helped my own herd’s recent stress event.
      – If you can, give your cat her own, smaller safe space. Maybe she needs the single room?
      – Swap who is separated every so often. Cats get acquainted as much through scent as anything else, so they need a quiet chance to leave their own paw-scent around as well as check out the other cat’s scents.
      -Kitty prozac for your girl, or possibly both. It has really helped my stress-pee-er. You can get it as a rub on for the ear, as tablets to be put in pill-pockets, or as compounded flavored liquid. My girl HATED the liquid, vet said ear rub works but doesn’t always deliver the drug well, so we went with pill pockets. Easy, she eats it right up.
      -For now, feed both whatever they will dive into. Try some of the (stupidly expensive, IMO) tubed semi-liquid treats like Churu, especially for your girl. Eventually as they calm down, they can get those as treats when they are in view of each other. Extra special treat only comes when the other cat is present (even if there’s a door between them).

      This might be a long haul, and it might not work. But you need time and patience for them bot to realize the world isn’t ending, and it WILL be ok. Cat timelines can be long, so don’t lose hope! And thank you for taking care of him <3

    5. Jackalope*

      I would like to underline what others have said that 6 days isn’t very long. We’ve successfully introduced new cats on multiple occasions, but it takes awhile. So it might work out!

      Practical things: trade blankets and such between the two of them so they can get used to each other’s scents, ie leave a blanket with one for a day or two and then swap it with the other one. The previously recommended suggestion for using Feliway is also a good one. We just introduced a kitten to our household and one of our older cats is super skittish like your older cat is. For the first few days she was stressed and unhappy ALL THE TIME, but the Feliway seemed to help her chill out and she’s gone back to eating and is enjoying playing with the kitten and having wild rumpuses with her every night. Note that there are different kinds of Feliway, and any of them will help, but I found one that is for multiple cats and helping soothe them when they’re uneasy with each other and that seemed to help. I’ve heard to introduce them with food so they can associate the other with a positive feeling. That didn’t work for me, but catnip did (for the older cats; baby is still too young to react to it), and it helped mellow them out with chilling on opposite sides of a baby gate.

      Seconding what someone else said about having time for your older cat to go into new cat’s room and vice versa. If you’re able, have one person go in the room with each cat; I don’t know how many people are in your household, or if there’s a friend who can come over and help with this if not, but it can be helpful to have a human on both areas. If not, I’d say that you should stay with older cat since she’s the one experiencing the most obvious stress, and is the one who’s most familiar with you so you’re most likely to be a source of comfort for her rather than new cat. But also make sure you’re spending time with new cat so he doesn’t feel abandoned. And if you have a baby gate (or can get one), it can be helpful a bit further down the road (in a few days) to make things so they can both be out of one room and see each other but not able to access each other.

      You may have done this already, but when thinking about space from each other think vertical as well. If you have cat trees or high up spots where they can both go to get space, that can help. If older cat is hiding under the bed she might take some time to go for that, but even with cats that like each other I’ve found that having separate potential territories at different heights can help when they need it.

      Last, you probably know this but remember that there are multiple possible good outcomes. Them becoming BFFs is the best, obviously, but also them liking each other a little bit, or ignoring each other, or hissing a bit as the other cat goes by but then continuing on with their lives. They can coexist even if they don’t like each other.

      1. Jackalope*

        Also, I realized that I was vague. When I say we “just” introduced the kitten, I mean about 2 months ago. Our skittish older cat was very withdrawn and stressed for the first 2-3 weeks, and then got better about it. (It took awhile to introduce the Feliway, but it was 1-3 days after that.) Also, the other older cats (we have 5 total now w/ baby) were also more stressed out for 2-3 weeks, although not to the extent of skittish cat.I don’t know if that helps as a time frame but that’s what it took for us to have the older cats start to relax back into their normal habits.

        (Also, skittish cat and baby are playing with each other right now as I type. That may not happen with your two cats, but it might! As I mentioned earlier, 6 days isn’t that long, and they may well get used to each other.)

    6. Charley*

      Echoing other folks, it took about 4 months for my and my housemate’s cat to really be comfortable with each other. I felt horribly guilty in the middle for how much I was upsetting my cat, so I get where you’re coming from, but it was worth the time.

  42. Blue Cactus*

    Collective wisdom on overcoming bike riding fear? I had an accident on a bike when I was around 10 in which fortunately no one was hurt, but I was very shaken up. Ever since I’ve had panic attacks when I try to get back on a bike. Now I’m in my twenties and armed with effective anxiety treatment and a medicine for panic attacks, and I really want to overcome this. I’d love to be able to bike commute in good weather and I really want to be able to do some bike trips in Europe when I visit with friends this coming spring. Two of my friends who are passionate cyclists have offered to let me borrow their bikes for an afternoon to work on it – any ideas of how to approach the issue?

    1. BlueWolf*

      I think it would help to start out by finding a paved trail to ride on first if that’s an option in your area, preferably a converted rail trail as they tend to be pretty flat. Or if you haven’t really ridden much at all since you were 10, maybe just a large empty parking lot to get used to the feeling again before venturing onto a trail with other people on it. You probably need a low stress environment first to build up your confidence. If bike commuting would involve street riding among cars, even in dedicated bike lanes, it can definitely be nerve wracking, so you would want to work up to that. And of course make sure to have a properly fitted helmet!

    2. Ronnie*

      My dad volunteered to teach me how to drive when I was a teenager and it was traumatic (he angrily yelled at me the whole time about how I was doing everything wrong and was offended when I refused to go on a second drive with him). Was scared to drive again until my mid-twenties. My mom taught me. She was much calmer and encouraging and I like to take her with me when I’m learning a complicated/stressful route to get somewhere now. She’s my copilot, lol.

      Maybe one of your friends can hang out with you and give you encouragement or walk with you while you walk with the bike or slowly pedal it?

      1. Blue Cactus*

        Thanks for this! Now we’re planning a bike picnic where we noodle around a bit in the park on some of the wide paved trails.

    3. Lifelong student*

      Do make sure that any bike you borrow is the right size for you and that you know how to operate any gears it may have. The last time I was on a bike when the place we were staying at had them available for use, the bikes they had were too high for me- I could not ride safely didn’t ride at all.

      1. Blue Cactus*

        Good point!! Both my friends are similar heights and builds to me so I think odds are good they’ll fit reasonably.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      Where I am, you can get bike riding lessons. The local bike shop, REI, and there is a non-profit that promotes bike commuting- they all have clinics where you can bring a bike and someone will help you learn.

      1. Blue Cactus*

        I loved the idea but when I looked in to it I learned apparently they’re dangerous when you need to make turns. Great thought though!

      2. AGD*

        Seconding. I know someone with bike anxiety (about balancing and falling over) who got an adult tricycle. She said that you do need to take the turns widely and not too fast, but that it was absolutely the best choice she could have made. Lots of room to haul stuff, too!

    6. Cardboard Marmalade*

      My first thought is that I worry that the bike owned by a passionate cyclist may not be the right one to start on if you think you might feel nervous. A lot of road bikes are designed to pitch you forward in a posture that is very different from other positions you use in daily life and thus can feel uncomfortable or precarious, and also can make you feel like you’re going faster than you really are if you’re not used to it. For me, I find that a hybrid, cruiser style, or mountain bike that lets me sit more upright feels a lot less scary and easier to control. A low (“women’s style”) crossbar on the bike is also a really useful thing to have because it means you can put your feet down on the ground really fast without having to worry about mashing your bits. Brakes that you don’t have to move your hands to get to are also helpful.

      I agree with other comments that starting out on a big flat paved car-free surface is good.

      If part of the previous trauma is that you got scraped or bruised up during the fall, wear some heavy protective clothing like jeans and a heavy jacket and maybe even get some elbow pads in addition to the helmet. Find a clean grassy place (or do it indoors on carpet at home) to do a few gentle rolls from a kneeling position to remind your body how it feels to safely get rid of the kinetic energy that way.

      Before riding the bike, walk it around a bit with both hands on the handlebars, maybe even trying to steer it through some cones while you walk beside it to feel how tight it steers and how hard it brakes. Keep trying the brakes every minute or so until you can mash down hard on them and not feel surprised or jolted by how fast it stops.

      Then try playing around with it by putting just on foot on the closest pedal to you and putting your weight on it while you kick off and let it coast, almost as if you were riding a scooter, not a bike. Keep your other foot where you can easily use it to stop and just coast around a little, feeling the momentum, feeling how it feels to steer and brake when your weight is on it.

      After doing all this, hopefully your body will feel comfortable and familiar with the bike and how it moves, which will help when you do actually graduate to straddling it and riding it properly (possibly with a friend beside you to help brace it– that was a great idea someone suggested!)

      Good luck!

      1. Blue Cactus*

        This is phenomenal advice and exactly what I was looking for, thank you so much!!

        For my friends’ bikes, I do think that they’re reasonable – we’re broke students, and one of them has an eminently normal all around bike that she just loves. My other friend has a bike that is truly tripped out for safe commuting (she has turn signals!) but doesn’t look at all like the fancy road bikes I’ve seen whizz past me when I’m running (tires are a normal size, handles aren’t curved). I don’t know enough to speak to the frame, though, I’ll ask her.

    7. sunny*

      and when you’re a little comfortable: if there is a cycling advocacy group in your city they may have courses that are intro to city cycling/defensive cycling. Or you may be able to contact for 1-on-1 help

    8. Rick Tq*

      Start in a closed parking lot (weekends at a local high school) and get comfortable moving and managing the bike. Until you are comfortable there I would not go on a bike path, there are too many random factors for it to be safe for a novice and insecure rider.

      Bike paths sound like good options but they have: hard-core racers flying by, skateboarders who can’t control their boards, roller skaters flying by without warnings, dog walkers who let their dogs weave around the path, runners who expect the right of way, and walkers who just *stop* in the middle of the path to goggle over some random bird in the distance.

      1. Blue Cactus*

        Good point. We were thinking a local park that has really wide paved trails – there are occasional cyclists but not many. There’s a big parking lot for medical center employees near my building that’s empty on the weekend that’s also a good option.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      You can practice general riding on an exercise bike (not gear changes obvs but putting the resistance up/down will be a similar experience) and have a go with cycling while standing on the pedals for going uphill. It can also be good to practice hand signals and shoulder checks on a stationary bike before you’re trying to move the bike through space too.

      To build confidence I would start in an empty car park or similar and just trying riding the bike up and down, go up and down the gears, sudden stops and braking. I’d also make the seat a bit lower than what’s actually recommended so you can put your foot down more easily to stop or steady yourself, and it will be easier to get your leg over the bike. As you get more confident you can raise the seat up to your proper height to get full power out of the pedals.

      I’m also much more comfortable on upright bikes vs standard bikes so you might want to look at them in future!

    10. Angstrom*

      You might want to start from zero, as if you’d never ridden. Drop the seat until you can put both feet on the ground while sitting in the saddle, and use it like a kid’s balance bike, scootering along with your feet. Pedals can be removed if they get in the way. Reacquaint yourself with pushing off, gliding, turning and stopping, knowing you can put your feet down at any time. It’s ok to say wheeee! :-)
      Once that is comfortable, try pedaling, gradually raising the seat to a more efficient height.

      1. Blue Cactus*

        I remember the mechanics of riding correctly, so I’m going to trial regular riding but if that doesn’t work this will be my plan!

    11. Orange m&m*

      Just a quick thing after I went on a bike tour after not riding for 25 years: Look where you WANT to go, not for what you’re trying to avoid. If there’s a pole or something, don’t look at the pole or you’ll run right into it. Look to the side of the pole, to the empty open spot where you want to ride.

    12. allathian*

      During the pandemic I got back on a bike after nearly 20 years of not riding at all. But because I rode quite a lot as a kid (I’d estimate about 300 miles between May and October between the ages of 8 and 11, a bit less later), I had the muscle memory.

      That said, I’ll only ride a “granny bike” with a low frame and an upright riding position, and 5-7 gears. I also want a foot brake for the rear wheel, and those are increasingly difficult to find on adult-size bikes because they’re actually banned (!) in some markets.

  43. Emperor’s New Clothes*

    I started a new job this week and it’s clear that I need to step it up wardrobe wise! I’ve always thought of myself as pretty stylish, but definitely more on the casual side. Best places to get trendyish dresses and skirts that are at least knee length, or nicer tops? Also looking for comfy dress shoes, as sneakers don’t seem to be appropriate.

    1. Maryn*

      There are pretty many brands of “comfort shoes” that are office-nice. I like Dansko (Franny is great with pants) and several styles by Rockport Cobb Hill, flat or with a low heel. My notion that dressy had to be heels was wrong!

      1. Emperor’s New Clothes*

        Definitely looking for more flat type shoes! My new place of work requires me to go up 3 flights of stairs and down one just to get to my office, and there’s no elevator.

    2. heckofabecca*

      Comfy dress shoes – I buy from the Hotter and Softwalk sites. (For Softwalk, if you want to look at their dressier comfy shoes, go to “view all” and filter by heel height—there are a bunch of nice flats, if you scroll past the sandals.)

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Uniqlo has a lot of nice neutral tops and pants (haven’t tried their skirts/dresses) that are also comfortable and the pants have big pockets!

  44. The Birthday Girl*

    It’s my birthday this weekend. I’m trying to think of something special to do to treat myself. I was just wondering if any of you can share any special traditions/treats you do for yourself on your birthday.

    Me and my significant other will be going out to dinner one night. I also bought myself my favorite dessert. Anyone else have other things they do?

    1. Happy Birthday!*

      For my 35th bday, I went to a children’s bookstore and bought myself all the books I loved as a child, and I still reread them every year, 30 years later.

        1. Happy Birthday!*

          From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
          The Chronicles of Narnia (I splurged and bought the box set)
          Island of the Blue Dolphins
          The Enchanted Castle by E. Nesbit (has some bits that are a bit disturbing today, but overall wonderful)
          The House at Green Knowe (ditto above — many of the books written around the turn of the last century reflect then-current attitudes) (I actually didn’t re-buy this one, so I haven’t read it in a long time)
          A Wrinkle in Time
          A Wizard of Earthsea (and its sequels)
          A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (my all-time favorite book)
          Harriet the Spy, and the sequel The Long Secret
          Pippi Longstocking

          ….and others that don’t come to mind right now

          I’ve since then found and loved:
          The View from Saturday (by E.L. Konigsburg, who wrote the Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler book)
          Oh the Places You’ll Go!
          Goodnight Gorilla

          What do you remember and love from your childhood/preteen years?

          1. Liminality*

            I was a fan of the Redwall series, I have vague memories of Encyclopedia Brown, there was a book called Castle in the Attic, the Babysitters Club series, and, yes, Island of the Blue Dolphins! I nearly forgot about that one!

            1. Happy Birthday!*

              I haven’t read those! Off to the library!

              Oh! And when I was much younger, The Mouse and the Motorcycle.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Happy Birthday! : )

      I have my little food rituals too, like I go to a town I used to live in and get some great pizza and seven-layer cake.

      Do you enjoy massages or foot rubs? Maybe book one or have your sweetie give you one?

    3. Morning Reader*

      I don’t always, but once I wrote a letter to my future self, for 10 years hence. It was interesting!

      Sometimes people with children measure their height on their birthdays. You could do that, or measure something else. Or take a picture with your pets or family or SO.

      And make a wish!

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I take the day off work and spend it allllllll by myself. Then celebrate with family & friends in the evening.
      I love nature photography, so I’ll usually spend the morning out in nature with my camera. Then lunch at a restaurant I love but my husband does not. Then I either spend the afternoon shopping or napping, depending on my mood. In the evening, we might do dinner out, or have friends over, whatever.

    5. slowingaging*

      Go someplace at sunset that you can see along way (aka top of a mountain) and just stare into the future and the past?

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      We usually go out to dinner, and for our weekly food shopping Husband makes my favorite dishes: gnocchi in walnut/butter sauce and a Patty Melt casserole!

      I specifically try to find a fun movie or similar experience to go to–last year, we went to a special showing of Jason and the Argonauts (the one with the skeleton sword fight) at a small local cinema and had a blast.

    7. BellaStella*

      I go to a place I have never been before whether a ew city or town or a new cafe in town etc and try to explore. And I have gelato too or tiramisu.

    8. Sitting Pretty*

      For me, a yummy mid-day birthday nap would be in the mix. Everyone else either leaves the house or pinkie-swears complete silence. Then put fresh sheets on the bed, close the blinds, sequester the phone in another room, take a cool shower, slip on the comfiest PJs you own, and nestle in for pure, luxurious rest. Heaven!

    9. carcinization*

      I have a “birthday shirt” that I wear, it doesn’t say that on it or anything, it’s just one that I like to wear on my birthday. The print is a very fancy cat by Andy Warhol.

  45. Ronnie*

    Question about a large unexpected health insurance bill if any of you have experience with that type of thing.

    I’ve been having some health issues this year with basically two main symptoms. One of them is hair loss, which is distressing because I can’t hide at home. My primary care doctor ordered a slew of blood tests, but didn’t find anything wrong. He sent me to a specialist who did a blood test for a specific disease, but it was negative. That guy recommended seeing a dermatologist for the hair loss and getting another test done by another specialist. That test is going to cost about $1,000 (I have a high deductible insurance plan), so I figured I’d try the dermatologist first. They ordered three blood tests, but said the results looked normal.

    The previous blood work was all free for me (Quest Diagnostics charged a huge amount, my insurance only accepted a minuscule amount of the bill and paid it all). I got an Explanation of Benefits from the dermatologist blood work though, and it says nothing is covered by my insurance and I owe $700 (none of which will go toward my deductible). I contacted my insurance company, and they said the hair loss diagnosis code was excluded from coverage. They see other diagnosis codes on the blood work and said they might be able to request a review depending on what the blood work was for. I told them I’d been experiencing hair loss and a second symptom (which was one of the diagnosis codes) and was hoping the dermatologist might be able to figure out what the problem was so I could avoid going to the second specialist to get the $1,000 test.

    I had to follow up on Friday because I never heard back. I’m feeling really stupid about not realizing hair loss wouldn’t be covered by insurance. Is there anything else I can do, or am I just stuck with the $700 bill? I already had other large unexpected bills this year, and I can’t afford to go to the second specialist if I’m going to have to pay this much for the blood work.

    1. Should be sleeping*

      I just read an article that said you should contest/ask for a reduced bill anytime you have a situation like you described. It said in many cases the bill is reduced.

      Also if the dermatologist did not put in the correct code when filing with insurance. Tell them to resubmit before you pay any fees. Especially because your hair loss sounds like symptom of an illness not cosmetic.

      I hope you get answers to your medical mystery soon!

      1. Tea & Sympathy*

        I agree – check with the dermatologist and ask if they can code it differently. A friend was once able to get a hospital bill reduced by asking them to recode it.

        1. Miss Buttons*

          A provider can’t just change a CPT code to suit a patient’s whim. A CPT code needs to match the exact procedure or service, or it can be considered upcoding which is fraud. Insurance companies are on alert for this with good reason.

    2. Miss Buttons*

      Please don’t beat yourself up for not knowing. Health insurance is complex. But lesson learned for the future: I suggest whenever you’re in doubt as to whether insurance will cover something, always act before the care happens to find out. Ask the provider for the exact CPT code of the proposed procedure or service ( if they don’t know it they may have to ask their billing people). Then call your insurance and give them the exact code and they should be able to tell you if they will cover it. But again, do it before the care happens. Once care happens, you are liable.
      I have needed lots and lots of medical care in the past year and this method always worked for me. My costs were upwards of $200,000 and I have paid less than $400 out of pocket. But it took a lot of phone calls before procedures to be sure.
      Why not ask your insurance to request the review? It’s worth a try.

      1. TreatingVsDiagnosing*

        You don’t normally know about bloodwork ahead of time so I’m not sure how this helps.

        BTW, if you have a medical reason for hair loss most payers will cover dermatology services related to hair loss. If not, it is usually considered a cosmetic service and not covered. Dermatologists typically treat the hair loss but don’t do a lot of diagnosis; determining a medical cause is more often handled by an endocrinologist. I know the dermatology hair loss clinic by me (at a major, nationally known hospital) won’t see you without either a medical diagnosis known to cause hair loss or a signed waiver indicating that you’re willing to pay out of pocket for their services. They do not provide any diagnostic services, just treatment. The normal dermatology clinic will refer you to endocrinology if you ask them about hair loss. I actually discussed my hair loss with my endocrinologist first – he brought it up, explained the what and why of it, and asked if I wanted to see if there was anything else that could be done since the meds I was taking for the underlying endocrine condition didn’t address the hair loss. When I said yes, he told me to ask my regular dermatologist if there was anything they could do about it. The first thing my dermatologist said was I needed to discuss it with my endocrinologist to find out why I was losing hair before he could do anything. I explained I had and told him what the endocrinologist said and only then was I referred to the dermatology hair clinic.

        FWIW, my primary care doctor kind of shrugged and told me there wasn’t much to be done about hair loss regardless of the cause. If I hadn’t already had an endocrinologist who saw me losing hair and knew it could be caused by my known endocrine issues I would never have gotten treatment.

        It would not have occurred to me to discuss hair loss with my dermatologist, and none of the other hospitals in my major, known for great healthcare city even have a hair loss clinic (or regular dermatology clinics that treat hair loss) – I called around because it took me over a year to get my first appointment.

  46. anonforthis*

    Has anyone else been in this situation?

    I have a friend is openly critical of a lot of my interests and activities. Basically, she considers them frivolous. Some of these include: outdoor activities, Taylor Swift, going out to the bar, and anything after 7 PM (she is a morning person). So when I hang out with her, we only do things she likes, which are either going out to lunch/dinner or watching a movie.

    This is fine with me, except she gets upset if she finds out I did something she is not interested without her. Like the other day, I went out drinking with a couple friends and didn’t bother inviting her because I didn’t think she would be interested plus she and my other two friends don’t know each other. She was upset when I mentioned doing that.

    I’ve decided from now on to no longer mention doing any of my other activities to her, but this dynamic is getting kind of exhausting. I have no idea why she has this attitude and am having trouble understanding it.

    1. Kathenus*

      Can’t say this sounds like much of a friend. Nothing wrong with friends having different interests and tendencies, seems like especially due to your flexibility there’s a Venn diagram crossover of interests and activities you can still do together.

      But judgment for your doing other things that she doesn’t like but you do, especially when there’s nothing I can see in your post about you pressuring or shaming her for not wanting to do them? That’s just controlling and judgmental.

      I’d either have an honest conversation about this disconnect, if you want, or just live your life – do stuff with her when/if you want, do other things when/if you want – but stop feeling like you have to censor your words around her. If she doesn’t like that you do things she objects to, not your problem. But give yourself the gift of not taking on her emotional responses and burdens anymore as if they are your problem or fault.

    2. fposte*

      This might be ripe for a “You keep doing this weird thing. What are you hoping for from it?” type of question. At least for me, if a friend likes different things and has different patterns that’s par for the course and we figure out how to balance that, but if they start criticizing me for being different from them that’s a real problem. Or, if you run more blunt in the friendship, you can straight up say “You dump on me for liking to go out to bars in the evening. I’m not inviting you along for a thing you have contempt for.”

    3. Nicosloanicota*

      I have a friend who’s a bit like this – just a very particular person, everything has to be just so – but, that way of being is so normal to her I think she believes most people must naturally agree with her (that restaurants are too loud and it’s better to just stay in her house while she cooks her favorite food, that alcohol tastes awful and a coke is just better, that early bedtime is best) etc etc. Tbe difference may be that I can gently tease her and she has enough self awareness to acknowledge she would have been miserable joining us at the sports bar at 8, even is also thinks we must be crazy to go. Does your friend not get that when you say you didn’t think it was something she’d like?

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Keeping her on an “information diet” (as Captain Awkward would say) regarding your other activities sounds like a good plan.

      But if she’s exhausting to interact with and frequently belittling you about your interests and activities and ALSO getting mad when you dare to hang out with people she even doesn’t know instead of with her, is she really a great match for you as a friend? She sounds kind of possessive and controlling.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I was co-incidentally browsing Captain Awkward just now, and I think you might want to read an entry called “Why Do Abusers Take Your Stuff?” I know the title sounds like a totally different situation, but Captain Awkward lays out well how and why abusers and bullies try to control others by belittling and trying to get rid of the things and activities their victims like. Well worth a read by anyone.

    5. allathian*

      She isn’t your friend. She’s a horrible judgy person who doesn’t value you as you are. In your shoes, I’d seriously cut down on the amount of time I’d spend with her.

      What do you get out of this “friendship?”

      I’m an introvert and that means that I have very little patience for users like this person.

      “You know what, I’m really sick of your judgmental attitude. You don’t have to like the same things I do, but you also don’t get to judge the way I spend my time, or you’ll be seeing me a lot less often.”

      She may get mad, but let her. She’s completely unreasonable.

    6. Miss Buttons*

      She doesn’t sound like a friend. You said the dynamic is getting exhausting. I would listen to that. Maybe you don’t really need her in your life.

      1. BellaStella*

        Was going to suggest spending less time with her and finding new things to do with the other friends who are not like this.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Eh, who cares why she does it?

      Back in the day the humor columnist Cynthia Heimel used to write a fake advice column called Dear Problem Lady (she made it all up, there weren’t real letter writers.) One letter she “answered” had a woman asking why her friends fired up the Why He Does That machine every time she complained about her ex, and basically wondered why they did so.

      Problem Lady said basically that they’re trying to solve the wrong problem–“why?” Because the actual problem is how the guy was acting, not why he was doing it.

      Why she likes or doesn’t like stuff isn’t your problem, but her attitude at both your preferences and “being left out” is. Unless you are punching homeless puppies in the face after drinks, or robbing widows for Taylor tickets, you aren’t doing anything wrong. She doesn’t have to enjoy what you enjoy but she can’t expect inclusion in things if she’s denigrated them to you.

    8. Florence*

      It doesn’t matter why she does it. But if you really want to know, ask her. “You’re mad that I didn’t invite you to go hiking? You always tell me how much you hate outdoor activities. Why would you expect me to invite you to do things you dislike so loudly? That sounds miserable for both of us!”

      She sounds exhausting and annoying, but as you call her a friend I’m assuming you are getting enough out of this relationship for it to be worth putting up with this? If so, you might just want to ‘grey rock’ this behavior from her. She gets upset? OK, let her be upset. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to fix it, or soothe her. Just disengage when she does this. Change the subject, or leave the situation, or end the chat.

    9. Observer*

      I’ve decided from now on to no longer mention doing any of my other activities to her, but this dynamic is getting kind of exhausting. I have no idea why she has this attitude and am having trouble understanding it.

      I think that the others are right about you asking the wrong question. And about paying attention to your exhaustion.

      So a few thoughts:

      1. Why are you trying to keep this relationship going? That’s a serious question. What you describe doesn’t sound like a two way relationship that’s remotely healthy, but we’re only getting a what is possibly a small slice of the picture. So that’s really something to think about.

      2. When she get mad about you doing something without her, call her on it. Not combatively or aggressively, but clearly. Like if she’s complaining that you are doing things without her you can tell her something like “I do different things with different people. This is not something you are interested in.” But then, don’t let it get into a discussion. If she tries to continue just cut the conversation short. Leave if you need to.

      3. When she criticizes you for being “frivolous”, don’t try to argue, discuss or explain. Yes, she’s being really ridiculous – the idea that taking a hike is “frivolous” but seeing a movie is not makes me wonder if she even knows what the word means! But she doesn’t sound like you can reason with her. But again, shut down that conversation. You don’t have to accept her criticism.

      Of course, minimizing how much you discuss these activities with her is a good idea if you really want (or need) to maintain this relationship. But it’s not realistic to never mention them at all. So your best bet is to find a way to minimize the fall out, and refusing to engage with and accept her criticism seems like the only path forward. Figuring out why she is the way she is, is not likely to help you.

    10. Indolent Libertine*

      I agree with everyone who’s already said that “why” she does this isn’t really something you need to know or understand. I think *she* certainly needs to know and understand in order to begin approaching interacting with her friends in a healthier way, but it’s not as if your understanding why is going to make her stop doing it, or make you stop resenting her for doing it. I think you just need to set and hold a boundary here, that it’s annoying to you when she’s critical of things you enjoy that she doesn’t, and doubly annoying when she gets upset with you for doing the activities she dislikes with other people and (sensibly) leaving her out of them altogether, and you’d like her to stop doing that and won’t stick around for any more of it.

      You may not need to dump the friendship altogether, but when she starts up, interrupt, tell her “This is the thing I was talking about. Please stop, or else I’ll have to cut this short.” And then either she shapes up, or you leave. If she makes an effort to respect that, great. If she doubles down or continually “forgets” or otherwise won’t respect your clearly stated wishes, then that’s information that you need to take into account in deciding how much time to spend with her. If any.

  47. Justin*

    How do you all deal with a friend who needs help but won’t help themselves?

    Without going into too much detail, I have a friend who becomes cold when her mental health declines. Fair enough. But then she wants me (and other friends) to help at these times, which we are willing to, except she very much has the money to pay for professional help (she showed me her savings account details at one point), and refuses to do so. This is more “serious” than another friend who has an unfulfilling career, asks for advice, and won’t take it, but as much as I want to help (I’ve had MH issues myself), I’m not a professional.

    So what have you all done in this situation OR needed done if you were her?

    1. WellRed*

      You mean like, help with yard work? Honestly, I’d probably stop because it’s sounding manipulative and won’t really help with the bigger issue. If it’s more like driving her to an appointment or bring her a meal, that’s a bit different.

      1. Justin*

        We live nowhere near each other, she just comes online to be kind of mean to me. I don’t want to cut her off as she needs people but, like, yo, please just access professional support.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Being mean to you is not okay, regardless of her mental health status. I applaud your compassion, but it is A-okay to disengage whenever she does that, and you are not responsible for her decision not to access mental health support.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I just cannot conceive of putting up with that, so I don’t think you’re off base at all. Regardless of her reasons, you’re not helping her or making her feel better by indulging her inner jerk voice. If you’re not looking to cut her off entirely, I’d just cut off those sessions of Mean Minnie shows up. “Honestly, that was mean/hurt my feelings. I can be here for you, but I can’t be here for that.” If it doesn’t work “Let’s try this again on another day”. You could go low contact instead of no contact, deciding what you can offer and how much and just let her feelings be her feelings. Captain Awkward has some great advice about going low contact.

          1. Zweisatz*

            Yes this sounds like the way to go. short feedback/boundary setting and if she won’t reign it in, try another day.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          It is nobody’s job to be a target or punching bag. Her MH status doesn’t give her license to throw verbal lawn darts at you: it makes you feel bad and does not improve her mental outlook.

          Behavior matters. Getting cut off from her sources of supply of putting up with her jabs? Might encourage her to get professional treatment. I don’t mean ghost her or be rude in return, but just be truthful: “I want to help you but don’t feel this is the way. You know I will always encourage you to find help when you want it. But I’ll have to disengage from interactions that hurt me.”

    2. fposte*

      I think there’s an essential similarity, though, in that you can’t make them do anything they’re not ready to do. So be clear in your head on your own boundaries and limitations and stick to them, and have ready the occasional low-key nudge. “Friend, I love you, but we’re getting above an amateur’s skill set here. If I found you the names of some professionals who take your insurance and are currently taking new clients [or whatever other concrete aid in the process you might offer] would that be helpful?”

      1. Justin*

        Yeah.

        More meta-contextually, I was bullied a lot and so on for being (at the time undiagnosed) ADHD growing up (and Black). So I’m coming to realize now I’ve often gravitated towards people with similar experiences and resultant MH issues as I empathize. BUT, because I ended up relatively professionally successful, I feel like a lot of people sort of seethe in my direction, but… I got help, I worked on it, etc. I’m not any better than anyone. So this sort of thing happens to me a lot and I just have to be firm given I have kids and just not the time to really do all this stuff.

        1. fposte*

          I bet. But I didn’t realize that by “cold” you meant outright mean. Refusing to be someone’s punching bag isn’t pulling up the ladder behind you, and her being mean to you is unlikely to be therapeutically useful for her, so the current situation probably isn’t helping anybody. So maybe you can figure out a way to send her messages of connection that don’t tempt her to speedy mean responses—something asynchronous like email, or even go old school with postal mail.

          1. Justin*

            I mean, right, I told her my book came out and she said, “who cares?” (Before I knew something was going on.)

            I didn’t need a parade, it was just dismissive.

            1. fposte*

              Yikes. That’s not just dismissive; mean was the right word. That’s going-out-of-your-way mean. I mean, you reasonably thought your friend would care, is the answer to her question.

              I think you do what it sounds like you’ve done—say the necessary thing and sadly accept that it made her mad. That doesn’t mean it won’t eventually be part of moving her toward something better, but you don’t have to subject yourself to that kind of thing in the mean time.

            2. Gyne*

              Oh that is RUDE AS HELL and not something I would ever say to a friend, no matter how low I am feeling.

            3. goddessoftransitory*

              That’s flat out rude and she knows it.

              Unless her house was actually on fire at the time of the call, it is uncalled for to say that; if she truly can’t muster a “congratulations” then she shouldn’t be calling people that aren’t professional support persons.

            4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

              Wow, that’s super mean. (And congratulations on the book!)

              1. Justin*

                Thanks. I was talking to her because I am anxious waiting for responses for the book, and she shut me down basically because she feels her situation is worse.

            5. Frankie Bergstein*

              If my friend wrote a book, I would either organize a party or ask if I could treat them to a celebratory drink or dinner. The least I could do is say, “CONGRATULATIONS!”.

        2. Clara Bowe*

          *fist bumps you in doing the work while others have not*

          I love my friends, but I am So Tired of having done the work while others don’t. All the solidarity.

    3. Double A*

      Sounds like your boundary can be, “Friend, I will support your journey with a mental health professional. Until you are working with a professional, I’m not available for mental health discussion. We can talk about anything else.”

      Staying in contact and having normal friend conversations IS supporting her, but you can definitely draw the boundary at primary MH support.

          1. Double A*

            Yes, holding a boundary is about YOUR behavior. If you goal is, “Don’t have my friend be mad at me ever,” I don’t see a way to achieve that goal. She’s mad at your boundaries or mean when she has access to you.

            If your goal is, “Have my friends treat me kindly on the whole,” that’s achievable because you’re responsible for your behavior and can disengage when someone is treating you badly, or you can decide on a given occasion to sit with a friend in crisis because you know what your behavior will be when you feel that boundary has been disrespected.

        2. Observer*

          That’s basically what I told her and she got mad. But it’s the right thing to do.

          So she got mad. That’s *her* problem, not yours. You are right – it was the right thing to do. And her reaction proves that. Because it shows that she’s not ready to do the work and she’s not even ready to try to treat you reasonably.

          I might react a bit differently if her mental health struggles took a different form. But even if you had the capacity to really help someone who needs professional help, allowing her to make you a punching bag is simply not OK. And she’s absolutely doing that.

          If you are are up to *one* more *short* conversation, you could tell her “I want to be supportive. But I *cannot* and *will not* allow myself to be the target for your cruelty. That’s not something you can expect and whether you agree with me or not, that’s my line.” And then stick to it.

          Don’t bring up the issue that she has the financial wherewithal to get help. That’s not even the issue. Even if she didn’t have access to he the help she needs, or she was already working with a good therapist, her behavior would *still* be out of line. And you would *still* be right to cut it off.

          Active cruelty is *not* a functional response. Think of it this way – if her mental health struggles caused her to puncture your car’s tires, you would make sure that she can’t ever get access to your car, regardless of whether she’s doing the work she needs to be. This is not all that different.

    4. Two cents*

      I feel like this is a version of a universal human experience: someone we care about is suffering, unwilling to get the help they need (whatever it may be, and for whatever reason), and yet, in feeling badly, they’re not acting their best, including towards us.

      It sounds like you’re doing a lot of the things you need to do: having boundaries, communicating clearly about them and sticking to them. Now is the sometimes more difficult internal process of accepting that, no matter how much we care, no matter hoe much we know there IS something they could do, we can’t change what the person actually does.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Solidarity, I can relate.

      1. Shiny Penny*

        The “elevator version” summary of this problem is really lovely! And redefining it in the big picture, as just part of the universal human experience, is surprisingly comforting to me.
        After years of accepting intermittent personal attacks from a beloved family member (who blames all his MH issues on me and other family)— because I love him and want him to feel better!— I finally changed my ways a couple years ago. Now I label it : “Ah, now you’re getting mean, so I’ll catch you on another day” and I stop engaging.
        Of course that’s the only real option. But it feels pretty bad for us both.
        However, I’ve run enough tests on the system (like, years lol) to prove beyond doubt that continuing to engage is a train wreck.
        I’ve been saying to myself, “Everyone chooses their own adventure. And I do not have the power to solve anyone else’s problems.” I’m going to add, “This is just another of the universal human experiences…”
        (Not endorsing the toxic “he just needs to be more Positive!” crap. But, in the sense that our problems only improve after we stop devoting all our energy to blaming other people and being filled with resentment about Life.)

        1. Double A*

          I think this is so important! In the short run it is easier and in some ways feels better to for both of you for you to cave than holding line. Because she’s feeding you a little dose of poison, then then you resist, she spews a lot of poison. So you constantly take the small dose. However, in the long run, that small dose is far more toxic than the big dose that comes with the extinction burst from holding the boundary.

          So holding a boundary is kind of like getting back into exercise after a long break (or never doing it). At first, it feels terrible and it’s really tempting to stop. But you’re doing it for your long term health.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Why should she seek professional help? She doesn’t seem to have any problems that require it. Right now, *you* have a problem with the way she treats you. She does not.

      So the only way to change this dynamic is to let her experience her own problem instead of you absorbing it and shielding her from it. Tell her she’s being mean, you don’t like it, and you’re happy to talk when she’s prepared to be civil.

      Then end the conversation and don’t respond unless she’s being civil.

      This will most likely prompt her to escalate at first, and she will either say something so awful that it’s an absolute dealbreaker on the friendship, or she will figure out a new way to manage her impulses and treat you better — but only if you hold the line. If you cave, you’re just reinforcing that being mean works.

      Good luck!

      1. Justin*

        I mean I didn’t mention that she has a specific disorder that requires professional support. So, that’s why.

        But yes I need to hold the line.

        1. academic fashion*

          You don’t mention what she has (and this isn’t a request for you to do so) — but fwiw, I am someone who has experienced significant MH issues but does not find professional support useful, despite literal years of trying several different professionals. Perhaps your friend is the same, and it’s her decision whether she goes or not.

          Your decision is how she gets to treat you. Can you just tell her that she’s being mean / ask her to stop? Using the specific examples here?

          It wasn’t fun for me in the moment, but I’ve had people tell me this, and I do appreciate it, because it allows me to be conscious about interacting with them in ways that contribute to a better relationship.

          1. Justin*

            Yes, I suppose it’s more saying I can’t help her and that she’s being mean than saying that’s the solution.

            But to be clear she knows she’s being mean – she said she’s being mean because of how she feels. Which I knew.

            1. AGD*

              You’ve probably read Captain Awkward #511, but it helped me a lot with deliberate meanness from a friend in bad shape.

            2. Irish Teacher.*

              What was the context when she said that? Was it a case of “I’m really sorry I was so mean. I’m feeling pretty bad at the moment, but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you and I am impressed about your book. I’m just feeling jealous” or was it more, “it’s not my fault I was mean to you. It’s because of how I’m feeling so you should have sympathy for me.”

              If it’s more the latter, then she’s being manipulative and taking advantage of your good nature.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Again, it may be standard to get professional support for her condition, but she is not ever going to feel the need for it if she is outsourcing her bad feelings onto you.

    7. Mystery*

      You describe her as a friend, and it sounds like you are being a friend to her, but is she actually treating you as a friend? Ever?

      1. Justin*

        I’m a softie so anyone who has done it for me in the past I give too much leeway into the future. But she’s mostly neutral to negative.

        1. Rick Tq*

          Then it is past time to remove yourself from her life. Friendships are for mutual support and joy, and this person gives you neither.

        2. AGD*

          I felt guilty when I left someone like this behind, but it was dragging me down and wasn’t helping her. After we were done with each other, things were much improved for me, and from what I heard, she was no worse or better. In one sense I felt selfish; in another, this clearly showed me that the friendship had been to my detriment and for no reason at all.

    8. Irish Teacher.*

      Yes, I have a friend who constantly complains about problems but will not take obvious steps to solve them. Most recently, she was complaining about how she hates virtually everything about her job except one thing and how she wished that was all she had to do all day. I know that thing is a full job for some people and I asked her if she could ask her boss if there was an option to do that only or mostly and she replied, “ah, no, I want to do the rest of the stuff too.”

      It gets frustrating, but all I can do is encourage her to make the changes. I can’t fix her life for her. So if she says, “ah, no, I couldn’t do that” or “oh, yes, that’s a good idea. I’ll do that,” but the tells me later she didn’t do it, I let the subject drop.

      However, in your case, it sounds like the real problem for you is that your friend is treating you badly. And honestly, that’s not really reasonable on her part. Friendship should be two-way. She should be as willing to help you as you are to help her and if she is just putting down your accomplishments, it doesn’t sound like she is.

    9. Alex*

      I’ve been through this in various ways, most seriously through my friend who has multiple mental health issues including addiction issues.

      When it got to be too much for me–she had treated me very poorly–I simply said, I care about you but can’t be around this behavior so I’m going to take a break.

      She was mad, but it was best for both of us. She did pull of of that particular spiral eventually and we did start talking again.

  48. Anonymous cat*

    Anyone know a way to get Amazon to stop showing you certain categories of books?

    I bought one book on a topic in case I needed it and now I’m getting a lot of related books in the kindle deals. I’d like that to stop.

    Any ideas how to affect the algorithm?

    2. Seltaeb*

      When you’re in your Amazon account, go to “Improve your recommendations” (www.amazon.com/gp/yourstore/iyr/) and you’ll see a list of products you’ve ordered and a toggle next to each one so you can choose not to have it used for recommendations.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        oooooh! Good to know! Buying gifts for people has really made my recommendations…interesting.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is so useful to know. I manage my elderly mom’s Amazon account as well as my own and sometimes forget to switch from one to the other. I don’t want to see her health-related items as recommendations, and I assume she’s baffled why random things from my purchase history turn up in her feed as well. Thanks!

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Ahhh, the algorithm that decides that because you bought a book on fishing for your dad you want to read Ernest Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea forever.

        1. Anonymous cat*

          Also—how many of an item do I need?

          I know it’s automatic but some things—I needed item. I bought item. It works.
          Recommend you buy 3 more!!!

          How many lawn mowers can one nonprofessional use?

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            They put subscription options on the weirdest things too. They offered me a subscription on my COFFEE TABLE. Like, who do you think I am, John Wick?

    4. sunny*

      Ha. I think I broke Amazon’s algorithm when I had a preschooler and was also shopping for books on the chemistry of explosives for school. (what I studied). It was like: would you like to blow things up? Dr Suess?

      1. Anonymous cat*

        I do some light fact checking at work on a wide variety of topics. My google profile on my work computer must be very weird by now.

    5. Jay*

      Oh, the joys of the Algorithm!
      Nearly 15 years ago I let my then girlfriend borrow my Kindle on a camping trip. She bought a couple books by her favorite author. I spent roughly the next ten years trying to convince Amazon’s AI that I was not a flamboyantly gay pirate.
      This caused some very strange looks from people, especially if I had Amazon open at work (it is part of my job to source products for my department). An average group of product placements I ran into while researching supplies for the shop would look something like: “Power drill, power drill, three different kinds of rope, duct tape, jumper cables, deep-cycle marine battery, ball-gags, bondage swing, tentacle porn”.

    6. Prawo Jazdy*

      As a tangent, I’d been wondering about this myself because for the past couple of YEARS, both Amazon and Audible have been convinced that I absolutely need to read “Where the Crawdads Sing”. I’m sure it’s a great book, but it has very little in common with the stuff I’ve actually been reading. Doesn’t matter though, even if I’ve been reading 12 straight non-fiction books about Peruvian history, there it pops up again as my next recommendation… “Where the Crawdads Sing”!

  49. Travel for Life*

    Hi all!  Been reading for about a year now but first time posting.  Since you all seem like such a welcoming, helpful bunch, thought I’d give it a try :)

    We are going on a whirlwind trip to Australia in October and I’m looking for some restaurant recommendations for Sydney, Brisbane, Port Douglas, Adelaide and Melbourne.  All my flights and tours are booked but I’d love some insight into the restaurants in these cities if anyone can help me out!  With much appreciation.

    1. Kaleidoscope*

      I would recommend the Australian travel tips (ATT) group on FB. they run on v similar lines to the one I’m a part of (the New Zealand one)

      1. Travel for Life*

        Awesome, thanks! I will get the hubs to check it out (I don’t have FB). Appreciate the recommendation!

    2. Six Feldspar*

      Melbourne local here! Which part of Melbourne are you looking for recs in, and any cuisines?

      1. Travel for Life*

        We will be staying at the Jazz Corner Hotel in Melbourne. We’re from Canada and watch Master Chef Australia and understand there are some great restaurants in Melbourne but don’t know too much about the city. Pretty much any cuisine is good by us – we love to eat…lol

        1. Six Feldspar*

          Okay based on my experience:

          Within Melbourne CBD/downtown
          – your hotel is very close to the Queen Victoria Market which has a number of food stalls and is open early most days. You’re also right next to Flagstaff Gardens which is a lovely quiet green space in the cbd!
          – little bourke Street between Swanston and spring streets is the local chinatown/asian food hotspot
          – degraves street/flinders lane is *the* Melbourne laneway within the cbd and has several restaurants with outdoor dining, but if the weather’s nice I like getting a baguette from B3 Cafe and going for a walk in the botanic gardens on the other side of the river (art galleries are also down here)
          – Flora is an Indian restaurant just across from Flinders Street and the decor is pretty cheap and cheerful but the food is good

          Further out and accessible by tram:
          – Lygon Street north of the cbd has great italian & southern European food
          – Sydney road between Brunswick and Coburg is a local hotspot for hipster cafes (pretty much any cafe in Melbourne will be able to do avocado toast but this is one of the heartlands)
          – south Melbourne market is similar to queen Victoria market but it’s a nice tram ride and there’s a lot of cafes, book and speciality shops, etc

          Even further out and accessible by train – I’m going to recommend Altona beach over st kilda beach, it’s more sheltered, has nice cafes just next to the beach, about 30 mins from the city by train and the beach is about 10 min walk from the station

          Hope you have a lovely time, happy to try to answer any other questions :)

    3. I didn't say banana*

      Sydney local here – try one of the seafood places in darling harbour/under the opera house for a meal with a view, and see if there are any night noodle markets running while you’re here.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      It’s been awhile since I was there, but I really liked Chin Chin and Ho Jiak in Sydney. For Melbourne, Farmer’s Daughters is great.

      Have a great trip!

  50. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Nail advice. I had 3-4 gel nail polish manicures in a row back at the end of 2019 beginning of 2020. When everything was removed I realized my nails were pretty damaged and haven’t had a manicure since. One nail has a crack running from the cuticle up through the white of the nail and keeps breaking at the top. Any suggestions? I’m open to polishing my own nails if there’s a product that will help strengthen the nail tip so it doesn’t keep breaking.

    1. Kay*

      I have the same thing, so I sympathize. I’ve found the best course of action is to always keep it filed to a certain length – if it gets longer than a certain point, the possibility of breakage increases, as does the sensitivity to breaking. Aka – hitting it in a weird way won’t make it break when shorter like it will when longer. I think over many many years it isn’t quite as bad as it used to be, and maaaaybe the better my diet the better it is. I can’t say for certain that hyaluronic/keratin, etc. has helped or not, but in recent years a hyaluronic supplement has been more of a staple and also that nail has also been better.

      Likely more key has been that I leave my nails natural now and don’t ever paint them. I’m fortunate to have nails where this is overall a positive thing. I would try some supplements, good diet and natural upkeep to see if that helps.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I get pedicures (and the rare manicure) without any polish, and it might be worth going into a nail salon and asking for advice.

      When I got my nails done recently out of town I was impressed that there were a number of men at the salon getting their nails done. Middle-aged dad types, young professional types–they had embraced that your feet are in better shape when you outsource this to people with training and equipment.

    3. Reba*

      Try nail a strengthening product (e.g. Nailtiques, Sally Hansen Hard as Nails) and biotin supplements.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      I’m not sure if this quite what you’re looking for, but I’ve had good experience with Dazzle Dry. It comes off with regular remover, and hasn’t damaged my nails like gel. There are salons that offer it, or you can do it at home, no UV lights required. It dries quick and feels pretty strong without giving me brittle nails when I remove it.

    5. Harlowe*

      I’ve had luck sealing a break with a piece of coffee filter, painted under and over with polish to cement it on. The texture can feel weird, but it provides structure and protects it.

      Also, be warned that oral biotin is a severe cystic acne trigger for some people (it’s me). If you go that route, be prepared to quit if your jawline explodes.

  51. Qwerty*

    Book recommendations to read while traveling!

    I’m always seeing lots of book recommendations here that I wish I had written down, so thought I’d crowdsource some ideas. I’m leaving on a trip Tuesday and realize that I don’t have anything queued up. Typically I bring one book that draws you in (for when I’m very awake but bored) and one book that’s easy to read (for when I’m tired after a day of hiking).

    Preference is fantasy – usually I’ve done epic (LOTR, Wheel of Time, Mistborn), but some commenters introduced me to “cozy fantasy” (Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking) which seems to fit the latter category. I prefer to read books on my tablet, but also open to really good narrations on audio books (John Cleese managed to make a rather dry book very entertaining)

    1. Bike Walk Barb*

      For the easy to read after hiking category, I’m wondering if you can find a book about the history, culture, food, Indigenous inhabitants, or flora/fauna of the area you’re hiking in. I immediately thought of Bill Bryson’s book on hiking the Appalachian Trail. On my TBR list so I can’t recommend from direct experience, but definitely sounds relevant: On Trails by Robert Moor.

      You might also really like A Walking Life by Antonia Malchik. I recommend it every chance I get for the mix of evolution, prehistory, urban planning, health, and so much more that she researched and put into the book blended with her everyday experiences of walking in different places.

      For cozy fantasy, any of the fantasy romances by T. Kingfisher will be great. You may already be onto her thanks to Wizard’s Guide. Just watch out for (as in, maybe avoid) her horror books if you want to sleep well. Robin Hobb has an enormous world of fantasy trilogies that overlap. Not the least bit cozy, but such great world-building and character development.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How about modern/urban fantasy? Seanan McGuire’s October Daye series, which isn’t epic in the sense that each book is individually a doorstop, but it is an ongoing series that is currently at (I believe) 17 books, and personally I find them both quite engaging AND very easy to read :)

    3. Jay*

      -The Diskworld series (or really anything else!) by Terry Pratchett.
      -The Nemesis Saga by Jeremy Robinson (he calls these books Kaiju Thrillers, they are sort of like more action packed, crazy, and fun versions of that Monarch: Legacy Of Monsters show).
      -Seconding Red Reader’s recommendation for Seanan McGuire. She has written so many really good books in so many different genera’s under so many pseudonyms that I’ve heard people seriously discussing if she is just the face of a whole team of authors who otherwise wish to remain anonymous. Personally, I think she is just that amazing! My favorite is her Incrypted series. Just be aware that you will come across her Mira Grant works. While they are some of my all time favorite novels that are pretty hard horror. And usually focus around one kind of Great Plague or another. This comes with all the trigger warnings these days, for obvious reasons. They were written well before Covid and got a depressing amount right about certain things.
      -Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files (I’m a couple of books behind on that one, but I remember liking it a LOT when I was reading it).
      -Ilona Andrew’s Kate Daniels novels (and all their related tie-ins!) and her Innkeeper books, in particular. Just a note: The name Ilona Andrews is used as the name for both the Ilona and Gordon Andrews novels they write together as a couple, which are generally some form of Urban Fantasy, and Ilona’s solo novels which are usually Romance, or Fantasy/Science Fiction Romance.
      -Faith Hunter, especially her Jane Yellowrock and Soulwood series’. Personally, I prefer Soulwood, but they are both really good.
      -Patricia Briggs, particularly her Mercy Thompson and Alpha And Omega series’.

      1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        Jim Butcher’s son James Butcher has an urban fantasy series – the first is Dead Man’s Hand. I just finished the second, Long Past Dues. The main character desperately wants to be an Auditor, an elite witch, but flunks out of training in the first book.

    4. Not That Kind of Doctor*

      If you haven’t yet found Naomi Novik, I loved _Spinning Silver_ and the Scholomance trilogy (first is _A Deadly Education_). _Uprooted_ is also good. The Temeraire books (first is _His Majesty’s Dragon_) are fun, but I got a little tired of them after the first few.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Epic fantasy: The Adventures of Amina Al Sirafi is a rip-roaring good time, set on and around the Arabian Sea 1000 years ago. Pirates! Treasure map! Sea monsters! Adventuring when you are older and have a trick knee! They get the old gang back together to pull one last job!

      Smaller scale: like Wizard’s Guide by T Kingfisher but a tad older, Nettle and Bone. In which a 30 year old nun realizes that no one else is going to rescue her sister the queen and so it’s on her. Nice balance of embracing and undermining tropes of the genre.

    6. carcinization*

      You mentioned Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking – have you read Summer in Orcus by the same author? For more of a weighty tome but standalone at least so far, there’s The Absolute Book (by Knox) that I just finished, highly recommended. For epic, I read a series of doorstop type books by Islington that start with The Shadow of What was Lost, they had their moments for sure.

    7. Decidedly Me*

      The Frugal Wizard’s Handbook for Surviving Medieval England by Brandon Sanderson is a fun, light read.

    8. Claire (Scotland)*

      Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree, and the prequel (published second) Bookshops and Bonedust, are two of my favourite cozy fantasies of recent years. I discovered them through a rec on Twitter by Seanan McGuire, who I also highly recommend (October Daye series for more classic urban fantasy, Incryptid series for cryptozoology and family/found family feels, Wayward Children for portal fantasy, also writes as Mira Grant for more horror-type stuff which I love even though I usually don’t enjoy horror – Rolling In The Deep and the follow-up Into The Drowning Deep are mermaid horror delights).

      T Kingfisher is wonderful always, but my absolute favourites are her paladin novels (The Saint of Steel series, begins with Paladin’s Grace).

      And because I am currently in the midst of my post-Worldcon reread, if sci-fi appeals at all, I adore the “punchcard punk” Lady Astronaut series by Mary Robinette Kowal – alternative space race in the wake of a meteorite strike on the US.

  52. Bike Walk Barb*

    Google Search is not getting me what I need so I’m asking you, actual humans. Have you found a brand of hexagonal glass jars with a mouth that fits a regular (or wide mouth) canning jar lid?

    I’ve been searching and have found plenty of hexagonal jars with their own screw-on lids. They aren’t the right dimensions for canning lids. I want to be able to do hot water bath canning in cute jars.

    Nominations of other cute jars that aren’t hexagonal are welcome too; I appreciate the space efficiency of hexagons but I’m not married to it. Just trying to mix it up a bit for gifts.

    1. Not A Manager*

      There’s a brand called Kamota that sells octagonal jars with “regular lids” on Amazon.

    2. Reba*

      Kilner has fruit shaped ones :) and if you can work with the rubber seals, I think the Weck shapes are charming.

  53. Toddler Mom*

    When my spouse and I took our toddler to the library where there’s a kids section and toys and used books, toddler got loud so my spouse took toddler outside within seconds but one (potentially neuroatypical-behaving possibly stimming) patron grumbled under his breath “***spoiled brat***”. Why does society hate toddlers so much? Why isn’t the US as nice to babies as Italy? Why does it feel everyone hates kids?

    1. Menu Help*

      I don’t know the answer to your question, but as a childless person, I would definitely not be annoyed or surprised by hearing child noises in the toddler section of the library. Or really, anywhere in my public library. Sorry you have to deal with this.

    2. sympathetic*

      That’s very rude of that other patron, and I am also sad that America is so kid-hostile :(

      But sorry, I want to clarify, are you saying that you, separately from the grumbling, saw the other patron possibly stimming, or are you saying that the grumbling WAS the stimming? Grumbling rude remarks is not stimming. Stimming is specifically repetitive, so a one-off, context-specific remark isn’t stimming.
      I know you’re trying to give grace, which is super kind, but someone could interpret it as implying that autistic people are rude because they are autistic, so it’s excusable. But that’s false and unhelpful to everyone involved.

      I give you permission to be peeved to the full extent you wish to be at this person for being so ungracious to you and your child. You don’t need to be gracious to anyone who wouldn’t return the sentiment, regardless of neurotype <3

      (Also they’re responsible for handling their own sensory needs? If they need earplugs/noise-cancelling headphones to be around the general public, including children, I hope they can realize that need and gain access to some soon)

    3. Double A*

      I’m not sure if more people hate kids and toddlers more than they generally just hate people, but 1) for some reason people feel they can say they hate kids in a way they would not feel they could say about any other group of people and 2) for us parents those comments are even more cutting than cruel comments directed at us personally feel.

      Generally the US is extremely individualistic and the lack of care for kids is a symptom of that. This being said, if you look, you’ll find far more people who are smiling at your toddler than who are glaring that them (although most people will have no reaction).

    4. Annie*

      I think it’s a few particularly bothered people such as the potentially neuroatypical-behaving possibly stimming patron that spoil the bunch combined with optics concerns of seeming like a criminal as for why strangers act like they don’t like young children.

      Why the hate on toddlers? The “haters” might originate from “children are seen and not heard” cultures. Also, because today’s families tend to be smaller and more concentrated within family-promoting communities than in years past, the average randomly selected childless adult these days is less likely to have recent memories of what it’s like to be around toddlers and realistic expectations of what it takes to correct challenging toddler behaviors, e.g. it’s possible that the grumbling patron thought the loud toddler should have had the “loud” part beaten out of them right then and there.

      Why is Italy different? If I had to guess, they have a tendency to congregate in extended family groups more so than Americans, so an Italian resident who scolded someone for taking their child out late at night, for example, was likely implicitly attacking a relative.

      1. Annie*

        Also, is there anything specific that you would like to see/hear strangers or public places say/do to indicate they are NOT contributing to a child-hostile culture, e.g. would you like to see signs posted examples of possibly annoying yet harmless childhood behaviors Public Place tolerates in the name of child-friendliness vs. actually problematic things that need Public Place or emergency personnel attention; strangers in the vicinity saying a positive short sentence or two in response to whatever interests your child in that moment?

      2. allathian*

        I haven’t been to Italy, but Spain has a similarly child-friendly culture. Dinner is late there, and it’s completely normal to see toddlers in restaurants past 10 pm on a weekday. Children learn appropriate behavior by being allowed to try and fail.

    5. Emmy Noether*

      Thoughts, in no particular order:
      -I have apreschooler and a baby
      -I’m in Switzerland, which is also very child-friendly (better child-focused infrastructure than Italy, although the people tend to be less enthousiastic about your child)

      – My local library had a patron commenting on google that children were loud in the children’s section. The library replied that the children’s section is not expected to be quiet (I appreciate that they said this). There are still people who expect all libraries to be temples of silence, but it’s not representative of library staff expectations, or indeed most people’s expectations.

      – A lot of European countries, such as Italy, have the children be in the public sphere much more than the US. It’s mostly due to how housing and transportation are set up. I live in the city in an apartment, we don’t have a yard or a car. My children spend a LOT of time in parks, in public transport, walking along the street… This has two effects: the children get used to the public (how to be respectful), and the public is used to children (that complete silence and holding still can’t be expected).

      – Europe is also less individualistic. There’s more of a spirit of children belonging to everyone, not just their parents. As a consequence, society feels more empowered to get involved in the raising (reflected for example in getting a say in what it can be named, and seriously restricting home schooling, which always shocks Americans so much that they can’t do whatever they want with their children). The flip side of this is that your child is everyone’s child a little bit, so people also feel a bit responsible, and a bit more tolerant.

      -Italy specifically is in a weird place with precipitously dropping birth rates but a cultural ideal of large and close-knit family, so children get treated as the most precious thing.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        Just wanted to add, because my comment could be taken the wrong way: Italy, or Europe, is not some magical toddler paradise. Plenty of people like that library patron exist everywhere. The vast majority of Americans is perfectly nice to children. Also, if you were in Italy as a tourist, that will skew your experience.

        But you asked about it specifically, so I gave my theories.

        1. Venus*

          Agreed with your points about Italy. If it is so wonderful for children then why is the birth rate so low?
          I lived there for a time and the government wasn’t very supportive of families so many people felt they couldn’t afford to have children.

          1. osmoglossom*

            The point that Toddler Mom made about Italy being great for children is that, in general, they’re treated well in public spaces.

            The unemployment rate in Italy is high — currently hovering between 8-10%. People of child-bearing age who don’t have jobs can’t afford to live, much less have children. Hence, a low birth rate. Also, since the unemployment rate is so high, a lot of those Italians of child-bearing age emigrate to other countries where they can get good-paying jobs, and then they settle down and have families there.

      2. MissCoco*

        This is really helpful insight! I’m an American who really adores children and toddlers, and I was trying to express why I don’t feel comfortable with actively approaching children the way I have seen and heard happens in Italy (no personal experience with this on my part).
        Your comment about less individualism gets at it in some ways. It’s not so much that I don’t see other people’s children as my responsibility, but that we live in a society with such low trust in strangers, that I would not approach a child I do not know because I wouldn’t want to make a parent uncomfortable.

        1. Clisby*

          Really? I live in the US and that hasn’t been my experience at all. I wouldn’t hesitate to talk to a child I didn’t know. Not to chastise the child, of course, but just to say hello.

    6. Morning Reader*

      Maybe this is regional, or specific to where you live? I love seeing kids around town and my impression is that my local village tries to be “kid-friendly.” I haven’t seen this hate on toddlers here.
      I think you will find there is often some curmudgeon in the library. Libraries are for everyone, so it’s impossible to keep them out. And, it’s a place where some feel entitled to react to noisy children especially if they are old enough to have been raised with the stereotypical shushing. Not everyone got the memo that libraries don’t have to be quiet anymore.
      I don’t think everyone hates kids. Anyone who would call a toddler a “spoiled brat” is probably so unused to kids that they don’t recognize developmentally normal behavior. If I saw, say a 10-year-old throwing a tantrum in the library, I might think “spoiled brat” but wouldn’t say it out loud. A toddler being loud? I might grimace as they passed me, being carried out of the library, but I wouldn’t judge. You might see the grimace and think, child hater, but it’s not hate, just sympathy and reminiscence.

    7. ecnaseener*

      Try to remember that one rude person does not a society make. This was one (very) rude person out of how many in the library? I’m willing to bet that if you had polled every patron, most of them would have smiled at your cute kid and not minded a bit of noise in the kids’ section.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      I didn’t know about in general, but I would be annoyed about a loud toddler in a library. Wouldn’t call names or anything, but would be annoyed.y today’s controversial opinion: young children, the ones that do not have the grip on their own behavior yet (not their fault obviously), do not belong in some places that parents take them.
      As for Europe, not Italy, but Spain, for example: I just recently made reservations for a two very nice restaurants for October, o r in Barcelona and another one in Madrid, and neither allow children.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Not in the kids section of the library, obviously, and that person was rude.
        But seriously, in the last two weeks, literally two Fridays in a row, I ran into a situation in which parents let their kid to use a tablet with volume on in a restaurant. This is just as rude as the person who commented on your kid.

      2. HannahS*

        You know, when someone says that they took their kids to child-friendly space and someone was hostile to them, it’s not the right space for you to center your feelings about how some kids and their parents really are annoying. It doesn’t add anything to say, “But some parents are rude!” Whom does that help? Toddler Mom wasn’t being rude.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          The issue is, because I do have run ins with rude parents, I do not particularly enjoy seeing young kids around, unless it’s a place like say, a playground or a park. And no, I don’t care that the children are our future.
          And yes, I have young children in my life (partner’s granddaughters, which is super weird, because we are fairly young), they are lovely, but they can’t behave yet, due to age. I understand that, but that means that we don’t take them to places except playgrounds or a specifically child-designated place likes a children’s discovery center.

          1. HannahS*

            My point is that, when you see a mother who is in distress over someone being hostile to her for daring to have a child in a child-focused space, it is not the time to air your grievances about children or parents, or to redirect the conversation to your feelings about how you don’t like seeing children in any space that isn’t explicitly focused to them. Which is bizarre, by the way, as much as it would be to say that some people don’t like seeing elderly people outside of seniors’ homes and early-bird brunches.

            It’s nice that you bring your partner’s grandchilden to child-focused spaces; I’m not sure what your point was, but it’s lovely that you’re part of someone’s village. I hope that no one comes is ever hostile to them or to you while you’re there.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              In fairness, my partner takes them usually. I personally, do not babysit (the oldest child of 5, here), and neither of us babysit kids that are not potty trained.
              As I said above, I don’t say anything, I just get annoyed quietly.

            2. RussianInTexas*

              But my point is, many of us witnessed/been around kids that are not getting controlled or even attempted to be controlled by parents, and you kind of expect this a lot now.

          2. Double A*

            Your comments on this thread are rude and unhelpful. I personally find it sad that you believe in segregation for children and if we lived by your wishes you’d find a lot more socially inept adults coming down the pipeline. I suspect that a decent amount of mental health issues and social dysfunction were seeing in teens and young adults now is because kids are being more segregated from the rest of society and aren’t allowed to learn how to function in shared spaces.

            I get so sad when I’m in a space that’s perfectly fine for kids and you’ve got parents hovering trying to corral every moment of their kid’s behavior. I was in the kid’s section of IKEA with my 3 year old the other day, and he was playing with another 3 year old, and the other kid’s mom kept trying to get her kid to be quieter and more still. They were being totally normal for 3 year olds. I let her know it was fine and if someone was bothered by it, then they shouldn’t be in the kid’s section. I kept an eye on my kid but I wasn’t about to stifle his play if it wasn’t destructive, and we’d clean up any messes once he was done.

            The kids in your life are going to pick up on the contempt you have for them, by the way.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              But kids were segregated until say, 2000s. The current young adults and teens ARE the ones that grew up in a lot less segregation of kids and adult spaces.
              The inept adults existed always, and always will, regardless of the degree of inclusion of kids into the formerly adults only spaces. It’s on parents to teach the kids not to be inept, not me, somewhere out in the world.

              2. RagingADHD*

                Er, what? When were children segregated? Where were they segregated from?

                I was a child in the 1970s-80s, and my parents took us with them all kinds of places – the bank, the doctor’s office, the post office, the library (which had a section of children’s books but was not a play area), church, weddings, and occasionally hotels or restaurants. We didn’t go to my grandma’s funeral, but that’s because they thought it would be upsetting for us, not because they thought it was inappropriate.

                Pretty much the only places I’ve ever seen, before or after the 2000s, where children were not allowed are hospital visits, bars, and establishments devoted to “adult entertainment” of the X-rated variety.

                Oh, and contemporary weddings. Adult-only weddings weren’t much of a thing until relatively recently, IME.

        2. ronda*

          well the OP actually asked why people do this and I think one answer is that they dont enjoy children and would rather not have them around and have had prior experiences with parents not quieting them and are rather sensitive to it. (like russianintexas & me)

          And some take it further and are rude about it, even in spaces specifically for toddlers.

      3. Double A*

        Um, what? The children’s section of the library is literally for children. Your hint is the word “Children” in the title. If you don’t think children should be there you’re…well, you’re wrong.

        And when a toddler is throwing a tantrum it’s going to be loud for a minute while the parent is removing them, which this OP was doing and the patron was still rude. You sound like one of those people who think children shouldn’t have the behaviors in the first place which would make you part of the problem this poster is identifying.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Children have behaviors because they do. I prefer not to be around it.
          And yes, I grew up with the children and adult spheres being separate. Children had their own spaces that did not overlap with adults, children were not present everywhere, and I don’t particularly see an issue here. (I also grew up with Mom sending me to the bakery or the music school at the age of 7 by myself, so different times)
          Children section of the library is fine for children, which was my self-reply, if you didn’t notice.
          And before someone asks, yes, I vote for the people who propose all kinds of parental support and services, because just because I won’t use them, doesn’t mean they are not great for the society as a whole
          But just because I support public transit, for example, does not mean I’ll give up my car, supporting parental leave and affordable daycare does not mean I want to be around tantrums. Now, I won’t say anything except in a very rare (literally once) instance, does not mean I want to be present.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      One time at the airport waiting to board a plane I saw a man mutter something along those lines “under his breath” but loud enough for all to hear. An older woman in line next to him put a hand on his shoulder and said “You shouldn’t say such things about yourself, it makes things worse. Try positive self talk instead!” and the snickers and guffaws were just awesome.
      I wanna be that lady when I grow up.

    10. Rara Avis*

      I was at a large local library recently after school
      and there were herds of tweens/teens not only studying but also socializing, not particularly quietly. There are quiet rooms. I’m glad the library is well-used and a safe community space. Your grumpy adult should maybe not park himself near the toddler area.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Society (as in the collective, official will of your community) provided a public library with a toddler area full of books and toys. It didn’t spring fully formed from the earth by magic.

      Why do you think one random stranger muttering under his breath (or online spaces where people vent their antisocial impulses) represent “society” hating your child?

      There are random, muttering people and online haters in Italy, too.

    12. KidsAndParents*

      I am disabled and have run into all sorts of problems at a library where you gave to walk through part of the children’s room to get to the accessible restrooms. Kids block the path, parents park strollers blocking the door (used mainly to access the restrooms; the front door to the children’s section is on the other side), parents get upset when they see a childless adult entering the area, kids react to that and start screaming to get out, kids run up and push my walker then run away laughing, and more.

      I do not expect silence in the children’s room, but it should be possible to walk through the room without getting assaulted, yelled at, screamed at, called names, ignored by people who think their right to park anywhere in the space trumps your right to use the public restroom, or treated like a freak because I entered the children’s room without a child in tow.

      BTW, I should be able to just come in an browse for materials I want to read/watch/listen to without the need to justify my existence or deal with kids (and parents) who are not just going loud but violent, abusive, disrespectful, antagonistic, and more.

      This is the most extreme case, but I’ve experienced lesser levels of entitlement because kids! at other libraries and public spaces where people congregate. I’ve seen parents think it funny when their kids act up in ways that prevent others from enjoying a space. I’ve seen parents encourage their kids to break the rules of a space just because…and usually the powers that be don’t want to be “mean to kids” so they let them do whatever.

      So sorry, but my experience is that many kids are well behaved for the context they’re in (which includes being allowed to play and make some noise in spaces that allow it), but many are not, sometimes with the blessing of their parents who thing they’re the center of everyone’s universe.

    13. Samwise*

      It’s one person. Was everyone that cranky about your child? Was this crank in the children’s section, and if so, I give you permission to mutter “****dumbass, it’s the children’s section***”

  54. Anon food help*

    I am working on making some healthy lifestyle choices and I need some ideas for kid food on the road. Between activities and work and caring for a relative in need a couple towns over, we have been defaulting to McDonald’s (they have excellent marketing to children).
    It’s hard to run in places with the kids. Some grocery stores bring items to the car so I could do that.
    What are your go tos for fast healthy kid friendly food?
    Also kindness please.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      A little cup with berries and dry cereal
      Some form of nut butter on whole grain bread, cut into strips or little triangles which makes it much more exciting
      Apples or celery spread with nut butter–cutting up “in hand” fruit like apples makes kids way more likely to eat it. You can also put the nut butter in a little cup or smear for dipping.
      String cheese with cherry tomatoes or edamame

      Nom Nom Paleo has a reputation for making stuff to appeal to kids and might be worth a perusal.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Do you mean, rather than food you pack and take with you, what kids of establishments on the road are kid-friendly with healthy options that you can pop in and out of quickly? It’s been a lot of years since my kid was little but we would often pop into Chipotle or Panera in situations like this. It takes a little more time than McDonalds but not a lot. And they do have a pretty good selection of healthy-ish (or at least fresher) options.

      I also wonder if you could get into the habit of ordering online a few minutes ahead from your place of choice, then either do curbside or just pickup. Almost every one of these chains (and almost every local place too) has an app and you could put them on your phone. They’ll save your previous orders so it can just be a few clicks when you’re short on time. My teen has a favorite local bagel place and will sometimes decides when we’re already late for school that he’d really like a breakfast bagel sandwich. A couple clicks and one quick stop on the way add less than 5 minutes to the morning drop!

    3. Menu Help*

      I make up a double batch of almond flour crackers every other weekend and use them for snacks. I freeze half the batch, and you can eat them straight from the freezer. They have (if I’m remembering correctly), protein, fiber, and fat, so they are nice and filling, and they go great with sliced cheese. They’re more crumbly than regular crackers, so if possible try to keep them in a small hard sided container, though I’ve had success keeping them in a ziplock bag in my lunchbox too, just putting them on top and not swinging it around.

      1. Menu Help*

        Meant to say: I got the recipe from wholesomeyum.com website. I add a tablespoon of butter per batch.

    4. HannahS*

      Things that can be packed in advance with an ice pack:
      -Peanut butter sandwich, apple slices
      -hard-boiled egg, sliced cucumbers, crackers
      -cheese, nuts, fruit

  55. Brunching with Penguins*

    ha -you mean “the cartoon closet”? As in, it’s absolutely stuffed, and when you open the door the most random things fall out? I swear mine has bowling balls and birdcages (and I’ve never owned a bird…). Just shut the door again. It’ll all go away. :-)

  56. Menu Help*

    Hoping I’m not too late posting this:
    I want to have some people over for dinner, and I want to serve a rich chocolate cake with ganache. Any ideas for a vegetarian main that would pair well with chocolate cake?

    1. heckofabecca*

      Hmm, I’d suggest something veg-heavy since the cake will be rich! I really like wellplated’s Stuffed Butternut Squash recipe, and there are similar recipes all over using other squashes (i.e. acorn) or fillings (i.e. rice). If you leave out the cheese (or put it on the side), it’s vegan too!

        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          Vegetarians can and do eat cheese. It’s vegans who won’t eat cheese. Since she’s asking about vegetarian and not vegan, cheese is fine.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Many cheeses are not in fact, vegetarian, they are made with the animal rennet. Maybe hard cheeses, especially Parmesan, Pecorino Romano, Manchego, use it.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            I think the point being made is that cheese with rennet – which real parmigiano reggiano definitely has – is not vegetarian.

  57. Mitchell Hundred*

    I just came across this and thought the people on here would appreciate it:
    https://theshitpostcalligrapher.tumblr.com/post/760347331923263488/reqd-by-snazzy-hats-and-adhd-eoughhgh-no-text

    For anyone who doesn’t know, s***posting is a slang term for saying inane things on social media. There’s something about the elegance of the format contrasted with the ridiculousness of what’s actually being said that really tickles me whenever I see this gimmick.

  58. CC baby*

    I just got my first credit card! I’m in my early 30s and never had one up until now because I was terrified of getting into crippling debt. Now I want to try to build up my credit.
    So: what are your tips, tricks, and recommendations for using the credit card wisely? I feel comfortable with the one I have so I don’t need recommendations on what to get, just how to use it most effectively. Thanks!

    1. Kay*

      Use it consistently (every month), only use a fraction of the credit available to you, and pay it off every month. Obviously don’t ever be late – rinse and repeat!

      1. Clisby*

        Absolutely. We got both our kids a credit card when they went to college (a very low limit card – maybe $500). We encouraged them to use it a couple of times a month for something relatively minor, and pay it off as soon as the bill came due.

    2. Penny Wise*

      I only recently learned that the most common date that most monthly credit card payments are due is the 28th of the month. (Dates like this always seemed random to me, and it was like I was always late making the payments.) Supposedly this date was chosen because it is the last date of the shortest month of the year (February).

      Once I knew this something just clicked in my mind and I seemed to know when to make my monthly credit card payments. Of course, you might want to make the payment a day or two before that because, even with electronic payments, sometimes it takes a day or two for the payment transaction to process and post.

      Every once in a while you might find a credit card company that will let you pick you own payment date. I think that picking maybe the first of the month might work better than the 28th.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        Wait, you have to do the payments manually? Mine just always auto-debit from the linked checking account. You obviously have to make sure there’s enough money on there, I’m not even sure what happens otherwise (if the credit stays on the card or the account goes into overdraft).

        1. acmx*

          I don’t know about Penny Wise’s reason but I do not let any company except 1 auto-debit from my checking account. I have an account linked (unfortunately) but I prefer to manually pay (and I pay in full). The exception is my credit union can auto-deduct to pay its mortgage loan on my house.

          As far as due date, not one of my credit cards (or any bill) is due on the 28th lol Mine are scattered throughout the month.

        2. RussianInTexas*

          I pay my credit cards manually. I don’t want them to be auto linked to my checking account.
          The moment I get the statement in the email, I schedule a payment. I haven’t missed a payment in 20+ years.
          And yes, at least my Discover let’s me pick the standard payment due date. But the beauty of the manual payment is that you can pick whatever date you want as long as it’s before the due date.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Absolutely pay it off in full every single month. Set a reminder, set up autopay, just make sure it happens. Check your balance once or twice a week so you remember what it is and don’t go overboard.

    4. WS*

      Put a bill on it that you pay monthly. Set up “pay off in full” to a linked bank account and check it the first few times. When you’ve checked this is going well, add more bills and other regular payments.

      1. Observer*

        Set up “pay off in full” to a linked bank account and check it the first few times.

        Disagree with that. I totally agree with the others on NOT having it auto-draw from any account. It’s safer, and kind of forces you to pay attention to what you are putting on the CC. There needs to be SOME friction in the process, or it becomes too easy to spend money that you don’t have.

    5. Emma*

      Set it so it pays the balance completely, automatically each month. I find that’s the easiest way to stay out of debt.

    6. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      Pay it off completely every month. To ensure that you can afford to, only use it to pay for things that you need to buy anyway. For example, food.

      Some utilities let you pay them with a credit card without adding a processing charge. Read the fine print. Good luck!

      1. Observer*

        To ensure that you can afford to, only use it to pay for things that you need to buy anyway

        This is excellent advice.

    7. Llellayena*

      I’m going to go against the crowd here and say do NOT auto-pay your card. Set a reminder to pay but it’s very important to look at the statement every month. Fraud happens FAST and you can catch it by seeing a charge you don’t recognize on your statement. If you auto-pay you might end up missing a fraudulent charge and either not having the money to cover it or not being able to get the money back.

      Also, put a regular monthly subscription charge on there to keep it active. When you pay it off each month you build up a history of payments without having to load the card down with things you prefer to track by paying cash.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I split the difference – I set an auto-pay for the minimum required payment just in case I have a brain slip, but generally do the “paying it off in full” manually so I know what’s going on. (I also have an appointment with myself on my calendar every other weekend, alternating with payday weekend, where I do the review of my statements for both my personal card and my household card and pay them off in full.)

        1. Mutually supportive*

          This is my approach too – it pays off the minimum itself so I can’t get too tripped up if I forget to go and pay the rest of the balance. I usually pay all in full, the exception is if I know I’m about to get a refund on something returned and don’t want to be holding credit (anti-credit!?) on the card. Definitely recommend this approach.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        To catch fraud, sign up for fraud alerts. They all let you do it now. Literally, I get an email about every single charge that happens on all my credit cards. They make it really easy now to stop the cards as well, you don’t need to even call.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Set up every single safety alert your card allows, like:
      Limit exceed (not the card actual limit, you can set your own, say $500).
      Online purchase.
      International purchase.
      Gas station.
      Literally, every single one your credit institution allows.
      Pay off every month.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        if you are truly worried about getting yourself into vetoing debt, i agree that setting an artificially low limit for yourself in the beginning ould be a good idea. When I got my first card my dad told me “if you don’t have the money this month, you’re not going to have it next month either.”

    9. ecnaseener*

      For your first one, I would just put a monthly bill or two on it and otherwise never use it. (You want around 10% of the maximum in order to build credit.)

      Once you’re used to it / if you want to start getting the “rewards,” you basically treat it like a debit card: only spend money that you actually currently have and can afford to spend. Subtract your credit balance from your checking balance and pretend that result is your checking balance. That way you’ll be able to pay your balance in full every month and won’t have any debt or interest. (If you want to pay off the balance more than once a month to help you track it better, you can!)

      I see people are disagreeing about autopay because it might make you less likely to actually check the statement? You sound very conscientious so I don’t think you’ll forget to check it. You should receive the statement well before the payment due date whether or not you have it set to autopay.

      If you *do* want to use autopay, check to make sure it actually goes through the first month. Sometimes it doesn’t kick in until the following month.

    10. Fit Farmer*

      I also got my first credit card in my 30, in order to establish credit. For anyone in the same situation of needing credit to get credit, PetalCard is built for people who don’t have a traditional credit history.

      My impression is that the elements that matter for building credit with a credit card are:
      -Length of time since opening the line of credit (longer is better, of course)
      -Credit limit (high is good; means the credit issuer trusts you with more of their money)
      -History of on-time payments (I pay mine off in full each month, so I’m not sure what effect if any it has to carry a balance forward.)
      -Percentage of credit limit actually utilized: this is the one that confused me. You’re supposed to stay below 30% — yeah credit issuers want to see that others trust you with money via a big credit limit, but also you’re supposed to not USE the entire limit to prove your financial restraint & responsibility, I guess. It’s not clear to me whether you’re supposed to keep it AT around 30%, to show you’re using the card (but not too much!) or whether lowest is best and definitely don’t exceed 30%. This credit utilization is NOT tracked over time the way you might expect; it refreshes every month — nobody looks at the history of how you’ve used your credit card (so long as you’ve paid the bill!). All that matters is what your credit utilization is when your credit report is pulled in the process of applying for new credit (or a bankloan, etc). However, there’s some lag time in when monthly credit utilization is reported by your credit card company to the 3 credit bureaus, and some other lag time in when the bureaus update your credit report — basically, your credit utilization from this month will affect your credit score a month or two from now, and it’ll only affect it for a month until it’s refreshed with next month’s data. (Although each month’s utilization stays on your report for a month before being refreshed, it’s not like it’s the 1st to the 30th; as far as I can tell all these month-long periods can start or end on any particular date in the month.) That’s all to say, current credit utilization only matters if you’ll be applying for new credit within the next few months.

      1. Observer*

        Percentage of credit limit actually utilized: this is the one that confused me. You’re supposed to stay below 30% — yeah credit issuers want to see that others trust you with money via a big credit limit, but also you’re supposed to not USE the entire limit to prove your financial restraint & responsibility

        They are also looking to see that you are not maxxed out in your ability to pay. What they worry about is if you wind up with an emergency that costs money. If your cards are already close to the limit is that going to mean that you won’t be able to pay off your debts? Also, if you are already maxxed out, does that mean that the additional line you are asking for is above you current carrying ability?

        These are not unreasonable questions. In fact, we know that a huge percentage of personal bankruptcies are triggered by an emergency expense that got paid for with a CC that the person was then not able to keep on top of (even though they did not exceed their limit.)

      2. Nicosloanica*

        I think you have to stay below 30% and the closer you get the more nervous they get, based on a sudden dip my credit limit took during a remodel project. I was a bit offended since I was good for it.

      3. Kay*

        They want to see that you don’t have tons of available credit that you either couldn’t pay off or could suddenly use. So wild example is that you make 30k per year, but have 500k of credit available to you.

    11. Llama face!*

      I always pay mine off twice a month- on the 15th and monthend- which helps me keep an eye on my spending and notice any suspicious transactions. I also refuse any credit limit increases that the company likes to push (I think they’re trying to encourage overspending so they can make interest off me, but nope).

      Just fyi, I’ve heard that you don’t actually build much of a (if any) credit rating with this kind of credit card use.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        You do! The bulk of my credit (rate of 820), is built on the credit card used. In the last 20 years I’ve had two car loans, and credit cards. No mortgage, I have not paid interest on a card in years. The credit score does not care if you pay your card monthly. But it does care if you do not, aka carry high balance, if you close your old accounts, if you utilize too much of your available credit, and if you miss payments.

    12. Rick Tq*

      Review your cash flow during a typical month and see if you can get your payment due date moved to something more convenient for you, then set up automatic payments to pay the balance due every month.

      I track my finances in Quicken and review my wife and my credit card activity at least weekly so there are no surprises in the monthly statement.

    13. ReallyBadPerson*

      A very easy way to build up credit is to use your card to auto-pay a bill every month. My son has his set up to pay his electric bill, which is manageable. If you do this, you will know for certain that it is being used on a regular basis, and you can build credit quickly without having to think about it.

    14. office hobbit*

      I have a best-of-both-worlds advice. Once almost ten years ago I missed a payment because I simply forgot. After that, I set up a SMALL monthly autopayment to cover the minimum monthly payment. So I know that at least is covered. Then I check my statement manually each month and pay off the rest of the balance then. I’ve never missed a payment since that first time, but having the small autopayment set up has given me peace of mind several times.

  59. AvonLady Barksdale*

    First, thanks to everyone who shared their stories about moving last week! It definitely helped to know I’m not alone. I’m doing a bit better, and that’s partly because I found a therapist, plus I found a very sympathetic and kind doctor at a local primary care practice who prescribed some meds. I also invited some friends over– now I know why people throw housewarming parties. Taking steps.

    So now I need some decor help! We are renting, so that’s a factor here. My office is in a small-ish room (originally a bedroom), and the best configuration for me is one where the window is behind me. There are a few reasons for this, primarily because of where the door is located. Besides, I need natural light. But there is a glare at the top of my face on my laptop monitor and I need to fix that– I work from home and spend quite a bit of time on video calls. The window has horizontal white wooden blinds which are very good and, again, part of our rental. Should I put up a valance of some sort? Are there solutions that are more temporary and don’t involve drilling? (I don’t mind drilling but I’d rather avoid it if I can.) The last time I put up curtains it was for blackout purposes, and I definitely want to keep the light in while getting rid of the glare. Maybe window film? Help!

    1. Reba*

      The thing you want is a sheer curtain panel to diffuse the light. Depending on how the blinds are mounted, you might be able to use a tension rod to hang the curtain inside the window opening. Or, our window openings have drywall returns with metal corners so I was able to hang a simple curtain with strong magnets, which is inelegant but pleasing to me.

      Glad you are finding some equilibrium.

      1. Anono-me*

        Command Stips might work to hold a light weight curtain rod up ( be careful of damage to the wall/trim finish) .

    2. Aphrodite*

      If you like the look on the blinds you have now, consider looking at a glare filter or anti-glare screen for your monitor instead.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        The glare isn’t an issue when I work, it’s when people see me on video. A glare screen won’t help with that.

        1. allathian*

          The light coming from behind you is a problem, regardless of glare, because it’ll make you look like a dark silhouette on camera unless you have a good light, preferably a ring light, to counteract it. This has nothing to do with glare, it’s all about the total amount of light behind you. Having the main source of light coming from behind won’t look good on camera under any circumstances. That said, I totally understand that you don’t want to sit with your back to the door, I wouldn’t either.

          For video meetings I’d close the blinds and use a good ring light.

  60. Might Be Spam*

    What do you say to someone who might be making a mistake, but I’m pretty sure she won’t listen? After her hustand died, she got scammed out of around ten thousand dollars, even though her bank tried to talk her out of it. I offered to go to the police with her, but she refused and just let it go.

    Now, she got engaged to a man she met online and only knew in person for a WEEK. They are getting married as soon as they can get a date at the church, before the end of the year.

    She grew up in poverty, so I understand that financial security is important to her. Her husband left her enough in savings to be OK, but not rich. She and the new man are both in their seventies and she feels that they don’t want to waste any time. They both lost spouses in the last 18 months.

    All she talks about is how rich this new man is and all the stuff he has. He is retired and drives an Uber to pay off an equity loan. He plans to use her newish 8 passenger SUV to make more money because it can carry more passengers. Would a rich person do this?

    She will be moving a hour away to his house and says he will build her a greenhouse but hasn’t started it yet. I don’t see him actually doing anything to welcome her into his home. She is cleaning out a hoarding situation to make space for herself, while he is going on a previously planned trip with a church group.

    Maybe I’m projecting because my grandmother was in a similar situation and greatly regretted it. She ended up caregiving a man who lied about his health and wanted a caregiver and housekeeper. My parents tried to talk her out of it and she didn’t listen either.

    Should I say anything or not? I’m willing to risk our friendship if it will help her, but is it my business or not? If it is, what should I say?

    1. Rick Tq*

      It isn’t your business, and you probably need to end the friendship too. Hold your tongue, close your wallet, and distance yourself from the crash. You can’t change her mind and she is still an independent adult.

      1. Maggie*

        Her friend doesn’t seem to be asking for money. I find it really strange to pre-emptively end a friendship with someone OP seemingly cares a great deal about because they might be making a bad choice? That’s not what friends do.

    2. sunflower*

      Is she friend or family? Is she religious? If she’s a friend, I would have one conversation, ask her religious leader to have a conversation, and back away. If she’s family, I’d try a little harder, then back away.

    3. AGD*

      A friend of mine broke up with an abusive partner, but then found a new abusive partner and rushed to move in with him. I was heartbroken, but what could I do? I ended up saying, “Let me know if you ever suddenly need help or a place to stay.” We had lunch together two more times, and then she announced that the new partner was moving to a new city and she was going with him.

      Unfortunately, I don’t think I had any better choices. I reached out a bunch of times after her move but never heard from her again.

    4. Maggie*

      I would say something personally. And I’d say that even if she’s mad now or doesn’t want to talk to you, that she should always keep in the back of her mind that you’re there for her and willing to listen judgement free if it goes belly up. Very confused by the other commenter saying that you should pre-emptively end your friendship with her!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is what I would do also. I would hope that my own friends would do the same if they saw me doing something they were concerned about. I agree with Maggie’s perspective that you bring it up once–and just once–with the commitment that you’re there for your friend later if needed.

        It was a different context, but I had a comparable conversation with a friend of many years, expressing my concern and telling him I wouldn’t bring it up again. It ultimately helped him when in fact he shifted his life in a better direction, and he knows I’m supporting him through his life journey.

      2. anon widow*

        This is what I would do.

        As a recent widow, I know personally how easy it is to be “swept away” by the attention of a man. She is probably very lonely for her husband and is likely mistaking the sensations she’s feeling for love. Frankly, it feels really good to get that attention when you are alone at home missing your husband, but it’s important to be aware of what the feeling is and is not. This man sounds like he is definitely taking advantage of her vulnerability.

        At the end of the day, though, all you can do is mention your concerns. It’s up to her to decide whether to proceed as planned or slow down to make sure she’s making a good decision.

    5. Seabottle*

      I agree that it isn’t really your business. But I think there is an argument for and room in a friendship for making one statement, if nothing else for your own piece of mind, to know you did everything you could. Whether or not it is worth the risk to the friendship is really only something you can decide.

      If you do want to say something, I would get really clear in your mind ahead of time what you actually want to say. It has to be a statement that includes the utmost respect for the person’s autonomy and right to choose, though, and you have to truly mean it. Maybe something like “Friend, I respect your decision and I will stand by you as a friend no matter what, but I can’t sit on this, so I will say it once and then keep my mouth shut: I am worried about this relationship, it is sending up red flags for me [fill in one to three things here]. Because of that I am worried for you. I hope I am very wrong and that you will never need my help to get out of a bad situation, but if you do, I want you to know that I am here for you, as much as I can be.”

      But I also think it would be OK to not say anything, if that feels like the right choice for you.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I’d ask her questions and listen more than making statements.

      Like, has she really had time to
      get to know him? What is his family like? Does he have kids? Are they ok with her? Have they discussed inheritance issues?

      How much does she know about his health? What makes her think he’s rich if she knows he’s in debt? Why doesn’t he buy a bigger car instead of using hers? Isn’t using her car for rideshares going to void her insurance?

      What does her church think about this? Have they done any premarital counseling?

      Does she know anybody who lives in the same area? Has he gotten any help for the hoarding to make sure it doesn’t happen again? Does she understand that hoarding disorder is a serious condition that doesn’t just go away? Is she physically able to schlep his stuff out of the house without getting hurt? Who is going to help her if he’s off on his trip?

      Does she have PPE for dealing with hoarding conditions to avoid getting sick?

      Obviously don’t just pepper her with questions one after the other, but if you can get her to talk about different practical aspects of the situation out loud, maybe she will hear herself.

    7. WellRed*

      Rich men in their 70s do not drive Uber, period, let alone to pay an equity loan (nor do they have equity loans). If she’s looking for financial security, she should keep looking!

    8. Anono-me*

      Rather than a direct confrontation type of conversation, what about suggesting your friend meet with your financial planner first and then they both meet with the same planner to make sure that they maximize benefits and minimize taxes and risks? Everything should come out then and your friend can make an informed decision. (Bonus if you can fund the appointments as a wedding gift.) One genuine reason to give for this review is that some pensions and other benefits go away if people remarry.

      I know some older people who have spiritual only marriages to avoid losing a pension from their first spouse. Another person didn’t remarry to avoid losing the house because his partner had a severe slow life ending condition that was very expensive. By not marrying or combining assets, they were able to live out their time together in his little house on his little pension while all of hers went to medical care until she qualified for government assistance.

      Also, your friend should make sure her vehicle is covered by insurance for rideshare with him driving.

    9. Toupeee*

      “ He is retired and drives an Uber to pay off an equity loan. He plans to use her newish 8 passenger SUV to make more money because it can carry more passengers. Would a rich person do this?”

      No, an actual rich person would not do this, especially one in their 70s. They wouldn’t have an equity loan either.

      There is some good advice elsewhere in this thread but be prepared for the fact that your friend may plug her ears and go “la la laaaa I make great decisions, what are you talking about, this man is totally legit!!” :-(

    10. Irish Teacher.*

      I agree with the person who said they’d ask questions rather than telling her this isn’t a good idea. You don’t want to drive her closer to him and make her feel that she can’t admit it if (when?) things don’t work out because she feels that leaving him would be admitting you were right and she was wrong.

      But you could say stuff like “oh, is he having difficulty paying off his loans?”

      And then just be there to support her and ensure she has a way out if things go wrong.

  61. Rainy Sunday*

    This may be the last post of the weekend. I am not aiming to start the great pantyhose wars here, so please, just answers to the question and no comments. about the “whys.” I occasionally wear pantyhose. I like Hanes Perfect Nudes…in SHEER. They don’t make these anymore (you can see them if you google but the different sites say they are no longer available). I want to find SHEER, not NUDE, pantyhose. Can’t find sheer pantyhose in local stores and you don’t know what they really look like if you order online. I don’t care if they are control top or not, or reinforced toe or not. Any ideas of a brand to try? Thank you.

    1. Observer*

      Interesting. Target says that they have Hanes Sheer compression tights in stock.

      I do know that they carry some other brands which have a range of thickness. Do you have a target nearby? If not, look for the “sheer” ones or ones that have a very low denier rating (like 20D) and try getting ONE pair to start with.

      I have found that so many stockings are in closed packages where you really cannot see how they are going to look until you break the seal anyway, so this might be an alternative.

      Personally, I like the Merona but I’ve never used their sheer stockings. Also if you need larger sizes, they don’t have them. I also like A New Day, which has the larger sizes that I need.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Thanks….if you look, you will see that the Hanes Sheer line only comes in nude and black. But they used to have something where the color was actually sheer – about as close to no color as you can get.

        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          I guess I’m confused since your original question was about nudes in sheer. And now you’re unhappy the sheer line only comes in nude and black? Isn’t the nude sheer what you want?

          1. My Brain is Exploding*

            There used to be a line called “Hanes Perfect Nudes,” and one of the “colors” was sheer, like almost NO COLOR. They had colors called bare and nude and some others but they were definitely COLORS that didn’t look good on my very light legs. Sorry about the confusion…but it IS confusing!!

    3. carcinization*

      I know I have seen the website Sock Dreams advertising sheer hose before. Unfortunately, I feel like whenever I really like something there, it’s out of stock in my size and sometimes never comes back, but maybe it’s worth a try at least? I know it is online, but they tend to have good pictures of the item actually being worn, and are usually a fairly helpful company.

      1. Maryn*

        Snag has sheer 30-denier hose in both “neutral” (skin tones) and colors. I have them in black and find them fully comfortable, like all Snag tights. (I don’t know how they do it!) While they specialize in plus sizes, their tights cover a full size range that should suit anyone.

    4. California Dreamin’*

      I wear Spanx hosiery. Their pantyhose are very, very sheer. They are pretty much invisible, which is the look I’m after.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Yes, me, too…I’m very light-skinned. Nude pantyhose have a color to them that is yukky on me.

        1. California Dreamin’*

          I’m also pale skinned, and Spanx has a shade that too pale even for me, so you might try their very palest sheer. I use the next one up and you can’t really tell the color apart from my bare legs.

          1. My Brain is Exploding*

            If you get a chance would you tell me what is is? Also what kind of spanx, there are different kinds and wowza, a little pricey!

            1. California Dreamin’*

              I’m wondering if the ones I have are discontinued or they’ve just changed the name. The ones I have right now are called Spanx Firm Believer Sheers. I have them in S2 color. I swear there used to be an S1 that was just really super pale, but I don’t see that option now. The S2 is still pretty light and like I said, invisible on the leg.

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      OK…sheer as a color…nude is a color that looks awful on my legs. Sheer as a color is ok on my very light skin.

    6. Emma*

      I haven’t tried these, but Sheertex makes some sheer tights that are supposedly pretty much indestructible. They’re expensive ($50), but I read a review saying they were sheer, and they appear to be sheer, from their website pictures. They have various colors.

  62. Aerin*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread.

    Regulars who know this is the rule: Please do not reply to work questions on the non-work thread. It makes more work for me to clean up.

    Alison

  63. Jen*

    If a family member is coming over for a visit, and you’ve talked to them for an hour, but would like to get on with what you’ve planned for the day, and they are busy talking to your partner, would it be okay to drift away, or is that bad, and you should excuse yourself when there’s a break in the conversation by saying that you need to go take care of X.

    1. Jen*

      Assuming this is just a drop by visit that was announced by a call a half hour before they came, not a long-planned event of some kind. Also assuming that it is the norm to let family members hang out at each others houses for a while.

    2. Filosofickle*

      As a guest, I prefer when someone acknowledges they are leaving rather than simply disappear. Just a breezy “So glad we could have this chat, if you’ll excuse me I need to pop off — I’ll leave you two to it!”

    3. Rara Avis*

      lol because yesterday my brother-in-law was over. After inviting him (twice) to have dinner with us, and him saying no, my husband said, “Hey, you need to leave, because we need to have dinner.” So I’m team drift away.

  64. Chili crisps*

    I have a bag of chili crisps and no idea how to use them. I’ve never eaten chili crisps and haven’t opened the bag yet to check them out. Do you snack on them like potato chips, add to tossed salads, or what?

    1. Chili crisps*

      I’m replying to myself after googling my question and seeing a long reddit thread. The top answers were: with fried eggs; mac n cheese; vanilla ice cream; peanut-sauce dishes; I put it on everything. Sounds very promising if it doesn’t turn out to be too hot for me (I am a heat weenie).

    2. California Dreamin’*

      I’m not sure I’m thinking of the same product you are… the chili crisp I know of is a condiment that comes in a jar. It’s like crunchy stuff in spicy oil. You definitely wouldn’t snack on it (eat it with a spoon? No.) But it’s a great all purpose condiment that can be put on lots of foods… eggs, stir fry, I make a pasta dish that has chili crisp stirred into cream. It is spicy, so use with care.

  65. ecnaseener*

    Pour one out for me, sewists. I just cut through a skirt panel while trimming the seam allowance. Two big gashes. On a tiered, gathered skirt, so to replace the panel would mean another 100 inches of gathering to redo.

    It’s fine. It’s fine. It was always going to be a casual, quick-and-dirty skirt. I’ll patch it or something. But not right now :(

    Anyway! Crafting thread if anyone else wants to share how your crafty projects are going!

    1. Maryn*

      Oh, who among us hasn’t made a similar mistake! At least you have the materials to redo it if you choose to. (But that’s a whole lot of gathering!)

      I once cut out the sleeves from the back I’d already cut out rather than the unused fabric. Not the best decision…

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      oh noooooooo.

      I am currently getting ready to spin the last bit of a four-ounce wad of undyed merino, and then will have to decide what I want to put on the wheel next.
      I just this past week finished the scarf I was knitting, which was very simple but was my first knitting project using my own handspun yarn, which was neat. (I am debating between whether I want to jump right into swatching for a sweater next, or something a mite smaller first, socks or something.)
      As of yesterday, I am done crocheting half the hexagons for a queen-sized “granny hexagons” blanket, and they’re even stitched together in strips. (Still need to stitch the strips together, crochet and assemble the other half, and whack a border on the whole thing. This is what happens when my husband refuses to believe that blue and green can go together. :P )
      I got my floor loom assembled (though I still need to adjust the hanging height of the harnesses) and am signed up for a multi shaft weaving workshop here in a couple weeks so I can learn how to use it!

    3. HannahS*

      Oh noooo!!! I’ve made similar mistakes so many times. Happens to the best of us.

      I’m between projects right now, because one of my tried-and-true patterns (Kielo Dress) has disappeared, so I have to reprint the PDF. Sigh. Planning to make one in black cotton/spandex and one in a beautiful slate-y blue merino knit. That’s for Rosh Hashanah.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        I haven’t sewn clothes for many years, but that is a really cute pattern! (Oh, when did patterns get so expensive? Yikes!)Also…where did you buy fabric? I thought about making a blouse for a trip about a year ago and I could find fleece and cotton quilting fabric but actually very little in nice garment fabric.

        1. HannahS*

          I know, patterns have really jumped in cost over the last ten years, and even more so in the last five.

          I buy a lot of fabric online, though my local Fabricland does still often have some good options. I’m Canadian and try to shop Canadian stores to avoid paying duties. My most-frequent sources are Riverside Fabrics and Core Fabrics, though L’Oiseau fabric has excellent knits. For cotton knits I can still find prices under ten bucks (Canadian) per meter. Last time I was in a Joanne’s I was pretty impressed with their knit selection, but that was in 2019.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Oh no, solidarity!

      A couple of weeks ago I started making a top and all was going well, I’d sewn the front bits together… And then I realised I’d cut the front piece twice instead of the front and back! I’ll be able to maguyver it together but lucky it’s a practice project and I’ll just be using it for pyjamas!

    5. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Oh, that sucks. FWIW, I find the machine stitching never works for me for gathering, so I just do a sloppy running stitch by hand using a heavy slippery thread like buttonhole thread or machine embroidery thread or whatever lovely string thread it is that they use to hold ties together (if you are the kind of person who disassembles thrifted neckties for Reasons). For me, it makes gathering so much quicker and easier and I genuinely don’t dread doing it.
      Either way, my deep sympathies! I have a dress I messed up over a year ago that had been in time-out since then and I literally just last week was able to take it out and look at it again to see if I could do something to salvage it.

      1. ecnaseener*

        Oh yes, I hand-gathered it all in the first place. It was not quick haha.

        It’s not the basting itself that’s time-consuming, it’s the arranging and pinning and zhuzhing (sp? ʒʊʒ ing). Not doing all that over again!

    6. Dancing Otter*

      My sewing machine, the fancy expensive modern one, has started skipping stitches. Again. It won’t even do a 4” patchwork seam, let alone free motion machine quilting. I’m pretty sure it’s the timing, as rethreading several times and replacing the needle didn’t help. I even changed brands of thread, although I’ve used the original brand for hundreds of hours without problems. Besides, last time I had it repaired for the same issue, they said it was the timing.

      So I called my favorite repair shop to arrange a pickup ($30 and worth every penny), only to get a lecture on what needles I should be using. I use the size and type recommended by Schmetz (IYKYK) and several big-name master quilters. The woman on the phone said she teaches quilting, as if someone offering beginner classes at a local shop knows better than people who win prizes in national competitions.

      I can sew on my Featherweight instead, but there’s no way I can force an entire quilt through that tiny harp – and I have six quilts ready to quilt! It really says something when a 70 year old machine is more reliable than one that cost 15-20 times as much seven years ago.

      1. allathian*

        Old tech is simpler. The first sewing machine I ever used was an ancient mechanical Singer that my great-grandmother got as a wedding present in 1911. Sure, it only did a straight seam and maybe zigzag, and the only bit of maintenance it needed was some oil now and then. AFAIK it was still going strong when my aunt inherited it in 1987, although getting new needles for it became difficult, so now it stands in a corner, unused. Along with the spinning wheel my aunt also inherited from her mom.

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