coworker whispers a daily affirmation to me, I don’t want my boss at my goodbye happy hour, and more

by Alison Green on October 2, 2024

I’m off for a few days. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker whispers a daily affirmation to me

I work in a fairly open plan corporate setting. A new colleague joined another team about a month ago, and passes my station daily on his way to see his boss. Every single morning he briefly stops, wait for me to make eye contact, whispers “You’re amazing” to me, and heads on his way.

It’s flattering but odd, and can take me out of my headspace. I am incredibly busy (which I don’t expect a new person on another team to appreciate), and he has probably been told that I will be a useful resource to him — which is true, if my workload allows. Some mornings I’ve turned it into a quick chat (“How are you settling in? “Plans for the weekend?”) — enough to learn he is happily married and some of his hobbies. This interaction comes across more as pleasant-but-awkward coworker rather than creepy person.

I am not aware of him doing it to others: he passes about a dozen workstations and another dozen offices on this route, and he definitely doesn’t do it to the ~one third that I can see/hear.

I’m generally cheerful and approachable, have a reputation for knowing the answer to whatever question people have, and always being busy (it’s true, and I’m addressing that with my bosses separately). I have a very prominent workstation on a corner, right outside our CEO’s office, so many infer I am somewhat important.

Am I doing any damage letting this daily affirmation continue? I think some mornings I likely haven’t looked up being buried in some task, and he hasn’t interrupted me so I appreciate that. My neighbor is utterly baffled by it, but I don’t think it’s affecting her work much. It is building an easy opportunity to talk about work but our paths won’t cross too frequently task-wise — and if they do it will be one way, generating some work for me rather than them.

This would creep me out — the whispering, ugh! — but I’m forcing myself to take you at your word that your vibe is that he’s being awkward rather than creepy. And I can actually picture this type — extremely cheerful, does things that would be smarmy from someone else but just seems … wholesomely weird from him?

I mean, who knows, maybe it’s a bizarre Machiavellian maneuver to set you up to feel a higher degree of obligation to his work requests, although it doesn’t sound like he’ll have many for you — but it could also be 100% a response to you seeming like a gatekeeper to the CEO. Either way, ew.

But I don’t think there’s any reason you have to put a stop to it. It doesn’t sound like it’s bugging you too much — it’s just a weird thing that can provide mild entertainment for you and your neighbor. That said, if you ever do want it to stop, you could always respond with cheerful briskness, “Okay, that’s enough of that!” or “You’re going to need to wait for me to actually earn that” … or begin your own whisper campaign of “you’re magnificent,” etc.

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2019

2. My annoying coworker lurks near every conversation

I work in a small office, nine employees total including my manager. One staff member has a hard time separating home and work life. She has a lot of personal phone calls, with complete disregard to everyone else in the room; sings or listens to music loudly; and brings in random objects from home, including a vegetable plant, which honestly has no place in the office. This is just a list of a few things that have happened in the past month alone.

But this doesn’t describe the actual issue I have with her. She has a huge fear of missing out, so much that it has made it completely uncomfortable or awkward to have both work-related or passing conversations with others. If she sees other coworkers talking, she will just stand there/linger in the back waiting to say something, even if it makes no sense to the conversation. Sometimes people just walk away, never finishing their conversation. Finally, the part that gets me the most, is when she interjects in the middle of when someone is talking to just add something, sometimes never allowing the person to finish their statement or story. It’s gotten to the point that when I see her coming, I just leave the room. How do I get her to stop, without it seeming like we are talking about her behind her back, which would be the only way to have a full conversation?

First, I think it’s awesome that she brought in a vegetable plant and I want to know what it is. I hope it’s something enormous like a corn stalk.

The other stuff … she does sound annoying, but I’m not sure that you’re focusing on the right stuff. The singing, loud music, personal calls, interruptions and general disregard for people around her are all legitimate issues to address, because she’s disrupting other people’s ability to focus and get work done. You get to say, “Could you please turn that down?” or even “Could you take that call in the hallway? It’s making it tough to focus.” And you get to raise it to her manager if that doesn’t work.

But the lurking around other people’s conversations isn’t as clear-cut. You can’t really exclude people from social conversations being held in common areas at work, even if they involve themselves in annoying ways. Sometimes having to deal with socially annoying people is just part of the deal at work. But work conversations are different; if you’re having a work-related conversation and she’s lurking, you can pause what you’re saying and say, “Did you need one of us?” or even “Can you give me and Jane a few minutes and then I’ll come find you if you need me?” And if she’s being disruptive, you can say, “Hey, could you leave this to me and Jane to hash through on our own, since we have all the context” or “Having more cooks in the kitchen will complicate this, so I want to keep this to me and Jane” or “We have an agenda to get through, so let’s talk later.”

If none of that works and she stays disruptive, you could speak with her manager about the work impacts it’s having. But try to really separate what annoys you about her as a person from what’s impacting your work.

– 2021

3. Can I ask my boss not to come to my goodbye happy hour?

I’m leaving a small company (50 people) after two years. When someone leaves, staff usually go to happy hour as a big group (maybe 10-20 people) on the person’s last day. I’ve made a lot of great relationships at this company and I look forward to this happy hour as one last fun social occasion with them.

The reason I’m leaving is my boss, Martha, is terrible. Working for her has exacerbated my anxiety and has led to more moments crying in the bathroom than should ever happen in a workplace. I’m sad to leave this company and great coworkers but I couldn’t stand working for Martha anymore. Since I’ve given my notice, she has become even more difficult to work for (which I didn’t think was possible) as she realizes that she doesn’t know how to run the projects I’ve been in charge of.

Martha has asked about my goodbye happy hour plans. I told her I didn’t want one, in the hopes of having a private gathering with a select few coworkers that she wouldn’t know about or attend. But she was pushy about it being “tradition” (in reality, a very loose/informal tradition) and for me to choose a date and location for her to coordinate. I stalled and asked for time to think about it.

Many of the staff know my boss is difficult to work for and know she’s the reason I’m leaving the company. I think Martha wants to plan the happy hour because it makes her look like a good boss. (It’s typical at my company for a coworker to plan the happy hour instead of the manager). A coworker who I’m close with, Jane, has already started to plan the happy hour for me.

Martha and I never had a great working relationship and it feels disingenuous for her to attend, let alone plan, this after work event. She even chastised me once for drinking at an outside networking event where alcohol was served (I’m 26). Can I ask my boss not to come to my goodbye happy hour?

Nope! Not really, anyway. Not if it’s your official goodbye happy hour, and not if you’re trying to avoid burning bridges/future references/your reputation there.

But what you can do if she asks about it again is to say, “Thanks for offering to plan something, but I actually prefer not to have a formal work thing.” You can then go ahead and have a small, informal happy hour with a handful of coworkers. But it needs to be small — if it’s 20 people, you can’t credibly argue it’s not a work thing, and you can’t politely keep her from coming. Keep it under 10 people and make sure that Jane doesn’t talk about it much at work, and you should be fine.

If you want something larger or more officially associated with your office, then you can’t really ask your boss not to attend. But you can mentally reframe her presence as the thing you’re celebrating never seeing again.

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2019

4. Can we leverage our coworkers’ marriage to get work done?

I have a weird one I’m not sure how to handle. I work as an admin/office manager in an office of about 15. Overall it’s one of the greatest jobs I’ve ever had but sometimes there are the typical small office conflicts. Two of my coworkers are married to each other. They are very professional and it would be easy to miss.

My question is if it’s appropriate to bring in the other partner to help with an issue you are having with their spouse. For example, the husband coworker is kind of the forgetful professor type, brilliant at what he does but once a week the wife coworker must bring a large bag to office to collect all the personal belongings he leaves everywhere (commuter mugs, lunch containers, coats and scarves, etc). Recently he needed to take some equipment home and now keeps forgetting to return it. This has caused a delay in a coworker and me getting some work done, but overall its very low stakes. Our manager checked in and when we told him the reason for the delay, he suggested that we email the wife coworker to help. She has been on a conference road trip and won’t be in the office for another two weeks. If she were here, she would have noticed independently and made sure he returned everything. I said that seemed awkward and several coworkers replied they’ve done it in the past.

I feel like this is getting close to a personal boundary that shouldn’t be crossed when coworkers are married. They should be treated as coworkers at the office, right?

Yes. It’s inappropriate to bring a coworker’s spouse in to solve a work issue with their partner. That doesn’t mean people never do — apparently they do in your office — but it’s a really bad idea. It’s blurring boundaries in a way that might not be a problem this time, but could become a problem in time, or could become a problem when the answer is “I have no idea where he put that folder; we’re not speaking.”

Moreover, it’s undermining to both of them in different ways — the husband is being infantilized by people going around him to his wife, and the wife is being asked to assume professional responsibilities that aren’t hers (and to kind of mother her husband at work, which is ick). If they want to privately have systems behind the scenes where she reminds him at home to bring in the folder he left in the living room, that’s between them. But to you, they should be independent colleagues, not a unit.

– 2019

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  1. soontoberetired*

    Letter 2 reminds me of a contract worker we had who would stop what they were doing to listen in on any conversation near them. Work or social. Literally turn their chair around to listen better. I did start asking if they had an issue they needed help with in part to put them on the spot to explain what they were doing. this person thankfully left on their own before they drove us all nuts. they did many a strange things besides eavesdropping.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I can only see doing this if they caught mention of a project they’re working on, or if the conversation were about, say, their favorite sports team or nerd thing, like *whips chair around* “Did somebody say Celtics/Star Wars/Agatha All Along????” But really, nobody needs to be in on every single conversation ever.

      If they like you, once fellow geeks know you inhabit their fandom, they often include you in those conversations.

      1. Overthinking It*

        Or maybe. . . you’re talking about something that doesn’t concern her now, but that she would like to be educated on for the future. It’s a positive thing, for someone new – or newish – to get an overview of what the department covers, what’s farmed out to contactor or another office. Or sge may be feeling out the company culture, trying to get a handle on corporate values, or if she’s young or recently returned to the workforce to absorb workplace norms. She probably makes remarks, fitting or less so, in order not to seem like a lurker or eavesdropping. Maybe it come across as awkward, but to have her listen for five minutes or more without saying anything would move it from awkward to creepy. I feel for the lady! LW doesn’t like her – and probably has legitimate complaints, but can they temper their irritation with a little sympathy? So.etimes the awkward newbie is later found to be indispensable, because of their deep institutional memory.

  2. ChattyDelle*

    LW4 : no. please please do not make the wife responsible for her husband. she is not his mother. this needs to be addressed to him and only him

  3. Emmy Noether*

    I have to say, the complaining about the “vegetable plant” in #2 makes me want to take the coworkers side. Who calls a plant a “vegetable plant”?! A small chili pepper plant is not going to be the same as a pumpkin plant (the latter may become a problem in an office, though it may also be epic). Being so non-specific makes me think it’s BEC and not an actual issue. It’s funny how that puts into question the other complaints (which sound legit on their own).

    2. KateM*

      What matters is how big/smelly/etc a plant it is. Whether it theoreticaly had edible fruit is indeed rather irrelevant.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Surely the descriptor in those cases would be “a highly scented” plant” or oversized. It’s strange to focus on it being a vegetable.

        1. Paint N Drip*

          It feels like an unspoken jab of ‘clearly a weirdo’
          (which is hilariously backfiring because many of us think that’s pretty cool)

    3. Vipsania Agrippina*

      As a non native english speaker, first I thought that “vegetable plant” refered to any non-carnivorous plant.

      It’s good to know OP was refering to a plant who makes fruits or vegetables!

      1. Arrietty*

        It’s an unusual way to express it – usually people specify what kind of vegetable. We do say fruit tree, but not fruit plant.

      3. Veggie Fan*

        Look on the bright side – if it’s a non-carnivorous plant, at least they haven’t gone to the Little Shop of Horrors and brought Audrey II to the office!

    4. londonedit*

      I suppose maybe they were just trying to fudge the details a bit so as not to be too identifying, but ‘vegetable plant’ is a really odd turn of phrase. I’m also trying to imagine what sort of vegetable could be grown in the office – it would have to be something that can grow indoors in a pot, so you’re pretty much limited to things like peppers or chillies or maybe tomatoes. Unless she set up some sort of raised bed in the middle of the office and filled it with compost and planted a row of carrots, or something.

      1. UKDancer*

        I was thinking something like one of those small plants with chili peppers that people grow in pots indoors. You couldn’t really grow root vegetables and peas and beans aren’t very practical. So I had guessed chili peppers because they’re usually red and quite attractive (I’ve grown them on the balcony when I lived in a flat and they’re quite easy to manage).

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Chili peppers are sometimes even sold as decorative indoor plants! There are very pretty varieties that stay small.

          Which makes me think of the way that historically, potatoes (I think?) were grown as decorative plants when they were first brought to Europe.

        2. Freya*

          Or kale – there’s ornamental kale that has central leaves in various colours like white, pink, or purple. It’s a way to get something colourful and pretty that isn’t a flower. The one year I grew them in my yard, they were the only pretty thing that wasn’t dormant and didn’t suffer at all from the awful frosts we had that winter. You can eat them just like normal kale, but it’s not the point of the plant.

      2. Cat Tree*

        I think they were trying to say it wasn’t a standard flower or leafy plant, to make it sound odd, along with trying to keep some anonymity as you said. Probably would have been better to choose a specific but different vegetable though.

      3. Acl*

        That made me chuckle.

        I have a corner in my office that could handle a raised bed or a large pot, and now I’m so tempted. I can plant seeds from my garden.

        But then I’d have to bring in a plant light, and some bees for pollination. My coworkers probably wouldn’t like that too much.

        1. Wilbur*

          Do it and wait to see how long it takes for a coworker to write in.

          “Allison, my coworker has installed a small grow operation in his office and the lights are giving me migraines. We work in accounting.”

      4. Chas*

        I once had pretty good luck growing a dwarf French green bean plant in a pot on my balcony (you don’t get as many beans as with a non-dwarf variety, of course, but I did get a few portions of veg out of it!) so perhaps something like that? Either way, it doesn’t seem like something to get annoyed by, unless it’s started attracting insects or she’s letting the vegetables rot or something.

      5. Tippy*

        I think that’s why it’s odd, because of the likelihood that the plant won’t do well indoors.

      7. Jeanine*

        Now that would be fun. A hydroponic garden in the office! Go pick your own snack! Frankly I would love it.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I worked top floor of an office with a “green roof” so we could look out and see the plants, but unfortunately we weren’t allowed to go out there. Or maybe fortunately; I don’t think there were any safety railings.

          (Considering that my company once thought that letting employees go spelunking on their own in the cave underneath one of the buildings would be cool, I’m assuming that our insurer was the only reason we had *any* safety policies.)

      9. RagingADHD*

        Some herbs and green leafy veggies don’t require as much direct sun as fruiting plants. So it could be mint, chives, microgreens, spinach…

        1. Former Admin Turned PM*

          Our organization gave each of us seeds for a thyme plant in a planter with our logo on it when we hit our bicentennial. I think herbs at the office could be cool.

      10. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        Eggplant plants are gorgeous as they grow! Purple flowers and then the fruit. (Unless you get the kind with white fruit, of course.)

    5. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      I have to assume it was an ornamental pepper plant – they’ll stay small, grow in pots, and often have multicolored peppers – but like you I’m really entertained by the idea of a squash plant.

    6. JP*

      I was also trying to imagine an obnoxious vegetable plant, and some sort of sprawling pumpkin vine was the only thing that seemed worth complaining about. Or maybe a whole tomato plant complete with trellis? That little detail in the letter was odd.

      1. Olive*

        The tomato plant smell makes me feel sick. I can handle working with them outside where there’s plenty of fresh air, but in an office would be a no go for me.

        1. Butterfly Counter*

          Oh no! I’m obsessed with tomato plant smell. I’d love to smell it all day. But you can’t really grow tomatoes inside unless you cross pollinate the blossoms yourself.

            1. Dahlia*

              You know what the funny thing is? There’s two ways to do it. You can either take a paintbrush and individually pollinate the flowers… or just shake the crap out of them. It’s one of the reasons tomatoes grow pretty good where I live, it’s super windy.

              So either very delicate work or violence!

    7. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      Yeah, this one has me wondering why, say, a well-maintained cherry tomato plant wouldn’t be office-appropriate. Decorative and delicious!

      1. amoeba*

        I’m thinking tomato or chili! Although tomato plants can indeed grow quite tall (like 1 m or so?), so might be less appropriate for an office than an ornamental plant.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Tomatoes that aren’t dwarf/”balcony” varieties grow to 2-3 m or more easily! And they need some kind of support system, because their stem is not strong enough for that height.

      2. JustaTech*

        I think the “well maintained” is probably the trick. My cherry tomatoes in a raised bed have gone bonkers this year; they’re pushing 6 feet tall and they make so many tomatoes that many, many tomatoes have fallen off before I’ve gotten to them. Those rotting tomatoes are fine outside (until they all sprout in spring and I have to pull them up), but inside they’d be a mess.
        On the other hand, if it was inside I’d be much more likely to pick them all before they fall!

    8. Rebekah*

      I’m hoping for zucchini for some reason. It would just be so hilariously ridiculous, and zucchinis are known as the vegetable that produces enough for the whole office.

      More reasonably I can’t think of much other than peppers, herbs, or at a stretch a mini bush tomato. I think they sell the nes small enough for indoors. Ooohhh, Maybe lettuce? Does she grow her lunch salad?

      1. Bear Expert*

        I cosign zucchini as the obvious choice – you wouldn’t even have to cart the results around to leave them in the office in the hopes people would take them.

        Though a row of potatoes along the top of the cube walls would also be great.

    9. EarlGrey*

      This seems nit-picky. It’s reasonable that someone could’ve chosen a different word for anonymity. That’s a silly reason to throw out the rest of the LW’s problem.

    10. learnedthehardway*

      I’m trying to figure out what kind of “vegetable plant” would work in an office. Most wouldn’t get enough sunlight. The person would have to have a grow light to make it work, and even then, the plant may not thrive.

      I’m envisioning a small bed of lettuce or other greens. But I’m hoping for peas – they climb and are okay with just morning sun.

    12. Scholarly Publisher*

      We’ve had occasional rodent problems in our building, so I can see not wanting people to bring in a plant that will produce food. (That said, my office is big enough that a zucchini plant *would* fit, and I get plenty of sun….)

      1. Spicy Tuna*

        I’ve worked in offices where no one is allowed to have plants because of issues with flies and such.

        Also, I had a tenant once who asked if he could plant some veggies. I said yes. He turned the entire backyard into a vegetable garden, then broke the lease and moved out without telling me OR harvesting the veg. WHAT.A.NIGHTMARE!

          1. Spicy Tuna*

            Actually, some veg were still intact and I harvested them. The experience made me really appreciate the nation’s farmers because what was salvageable (watermelon and some tomatoes) were NOTHING like what you get in the supermarket. Not sweet, very small and not all that palatable.

            He also left food in the fridge and shut the power off, so that cleanup was fun. NOT!

            1. Gumby*

              That is on him. I’ve had many a backyard garden where the produce was delightful and it didn’t take any extraordinary measures to get it so. If his crops were small and bland – he did something wrong. Which… I mean, being a terrible gardener sounds like it was the least of his faults.

              1. Spicy Tuna*

                LOL, this is true, although we later found out that there was a cult renting the house next door, so that may have had something to do with his rapid exit!

    13. Overthinking It*

      Definitely got BEC vibe from this! So many complaints, but the behavior that really gets LW goat is annoying, but not really inappropriate. (If the matter is personal or confidential, discuss it in private. If not. . ..) I was thinking of a miniature pepper plant or maybe grape tomatoes. Both decorative, as well as tasty!

  4. Still*

    I agree with the advice that the co-workers should absolutely not treat the wife as her husband’s work mommy but, boy, does she not do herself any favours by coming around once a week to pick up his toys.

    2. DJ Abbott*

      So many men looking for a babysitter is the reason I’m single.
      Trust me, there are plenty of men who seek out women to be their mothers.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        To expand on this thought, the husband might be such a man. He clearly doesn’t mind his wife picking up after him. It might be the only way to get the equipment back is to have the wife get it for them.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          If he were not married, I flat out guarantee that the office would come up with a way to retrieve the equipment other than “So to get that projector, we will first need to find Bob a wife.”

          What I’m finding really off-putting this time around is “It’s so awful that she is doing these little things for him… can I take advantage of that dynamic to get her to do little things for me?”

          1. ecnaseener*

            In fairness to LW, their question isn’t “I want to; can I?” it’s “I was instructed to; but I shouldn’t, right?”

          2. DJ Abbott*

            That way might be reminding Bob every day for weeks, then calling him at home to remind him, then a coworker having to go home with him to get the equipment.
            Who knows how far they’d hace to go down this road without his wife.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      She found a way to have enough scarves and travel mugs that works for her. Some people would do this while seething with rage, and some people would view it as taking 2 minutes each Thursday so they don’t have to think about this stuff the rest of the week.

      The problem is other people wondering if they can take advantage of this dynamic to get her to do work stuff for them, to which the answer is No You May Not.

      1. MK*

        Yes and no. I agree that their marriage only has to work for them, it may even be equitable in other ways and in any case it’s their own business. But she has chosen to bring this dynamic in the workplace by picking up after him at work; I doubt people are twirling their mustaches thinking they can exploit her.

        1. Lady Danbury*

          This. Picking up after him at home? That’s between the two of them and totally their business. Picking up after him in the workplace? Now you’ve involved the whole office and it’s not a good look for either spouse. Can you imagine if she didn’t work at the same place and was coming in every week to clean up after him? If it wouldn’t be acceptable if she didn’t work there, it’s probably not acceptable just bc she does.*

          * Obviously there are some exceptions.

  5. coffee*

    The manager should be going to absent professor guy and putting the problem back on him. There’s no reason that absent dude can’t email his wife for help or use this as a trigger to put some other kind of system in place. Or ask for formal accommodations rather than exporting that work to his coworkers.

    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      He’s been trained he doesn’t have to. Wife covers for him by collecting his stuff. Then everyone else treats him as oh well that’s just how Fergus is, go ask Thomasina to remind him. Guy has learned helplessnes down to an art form.

    2. Commenter 505*

      I hate the “brilliant, absent-minded professor” archetype. Their brilliance is often overstated. I’ve worked as support & assistant to these people for years. I move on when I feel my codependent streak kicking in or when boundaries blur.

      An example: the AMP just f&cks off on a canoe trip for three day — without checking the calendar, or notifying anyone — and returns with a 2nd degree sunburn. Concern about the sunburn lives rent-free in your head for a few days, until you go to the store and buy sunscreen and aloe for the AMP. But AMPs gotta AMP, so obviously these items become unused, permanent fixtures in their office.

      When the 3 day decampment is no big deal because you already have a protocol for that, but the AMP’s skin cancer risk drives you to distraction outside of work, it’s time to move on.

  6. Thomas*

    #4, if the wife wasn’t currently away I think it would be reasonable to ask her to grab the equipment her husband keeps leaving at home, not because they’re married but because they’re in the same house (if they are!)

    But when she’s away she can’t do anything herself about it.

    1. Audrey Puffins*

      I don’t think I’d ask her as a resident of the same house to grab the equipment, because there might be something deeper going on that I don’t know about (is the husband purposefully holding onto the equipment for whistleblowing reasons but publicly blaming his absent-mindedness? is the equipment something that he was promised reimbursement for and it’s got to the point where he needs to hold it hostage to get his money back?). Given that they have blurred the lines themselves, I might ask her to remind him to bring it, but I wouldn’t ask her to bring it herself, I’d keep that particular boundary rigid.

    2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Would you ask a roommate to bring it back — after all they are in the same house.

      At work, they aren’t married, they are two co-workers. Also, he is a grown man, he can remember to bring stuff back or face the consequences.

      1. Silver Robin*

        I mean…yeah? If two coworkers live together and one keeps forgetting to bring the gadget back, I would totally see people turning to the roommate to get it back. It would definitely cross my mind as an option. Especially if it turns higher stakes (like the equipment is absolutely necessary for a task the next day).

        The thing is, if not having the equipment at work is a big enough problem for people to be going around the forgetful coworker, then what actually needs to happen is that the manager needs to put more pressure on him so he realizes that perpetually forgetting is not actually okay; so that he solves his problem. But OP says it is not actually a big deal that the equipment is still gone. It feels like it would just be more convenient to have that loop closed so the equipment is back in its spot and available. Nobody should be bothering the roommate/wife about that.

        1. Karo*

          Yeah, agreed. If it’s holding up work, I’d ask the roommate to help Professor Absentminded remember to bring it back in, whether that means bringing it in themselves or trying to put it in a more noticeable spot so the professor remembers it himself.

          I get that asking a grown adult to hold another grown adult’s hand is a ridiculous step to have to take, but if I’m at my wit’s end – and they’ve set the precedent themselves by having one pick up after the other – I don’t think it’s that egregious.

        2. Dahlia*

          The wife is on a ROAD TRIP and won’t be in the office for 2 more weeks.

          Would you really ask a roommate who was not home for 2 more weeks to call up their roommate and nag them to bring a piece of equipment in?

    3. perspex*

      I would not do this with roommates or with a married/romantic couple. I am thinking of the inverse of one of the examples Audrey Puffins gave in the first response on this thread. What if the equipment is damaged in some way—either before the roommate or sweetheart retrieves it or when they are in the process of retrieving and returning it? Who is liable? People being married doesn’t eliminate this problem (the possibility of separate finances, to name one reason why).

      And re: the situation in general: How is this reflected in feedback and performance evaluations? Does the low-performing partner receive accurate feedback regarding their failure to meet basic expectations? Is the over-performing partner told to make sure these extra tasks don’t interfere with their own work? Are their job description, workload, and pay adjusted to include these additional support staff responsibilities?

  7. Lexi Vipond*

    I work with two actual academics who are married, and I have very occasionally (at my wit’s end) asked A to remind B to do X. On the other hand, they blur the lines a bit themselves – B will turn up in the office with a bag full of A’s marked exam scripts, or something – so they started it. And it’s academia!

    1. Professional Staff*

      I work with a couple pairs of married (to each other) academics, and literally the only time it comes up (unless one of them brings it up) is when they’re each other’s +1s to the annual graduation dinner.

      This year I did have to really resist the urge to say to one of them, ‘I generally don’t work with X system; can you ask [spouse] to walk you through it?’–but resist I did, and gave them the answer I would have given to someone who wasn’t married to another faculty member.

      1. Jamal Ginsberg*

        But they are married. What’s wrong with recognizing that fact? Why should you and OP make life more difficult for yourselves by pretending that things are other than they really are?

        1. Carri Bean*

          It’s not that you pretend they aren’t married. It’s that their marriage has no bearing in the workplace, and should not come into professional matters. People should be treated as individuals.

        2. perspex*

          Providing technical support to peers is probably not in the spouse’s job description nor reflected in their pay or workload. And what if the information the spouse provides is incorrect or problematic in some way? What recourse does the institution have? Of course colleagues help each other out, but if a problem or query would not usually be referred to the spouse or a person in the spouse’s position, it’s not a good idea to do it.

          And if it’s making life significantly difficult, that should be addressed by the employer in some way other than a spouse’s unpaid labor.

      2. JustaTech*

        Once I asked a coworker to have his wife explain something to him (she did not work at our company). In my defense, this coworker was just Not Getting It about bloodborne pathogen safety, and his wife was a nurse anesthetists, so someone with deep professional understanding of blood safety.

        I also said it in extreme frustration after he decided to be funny and pretend to do something really dangerous just to rile me up.
        (To his credit he did shape up and figure it out; I don’t know if he talked to his wife about it.)

    2. WeirdChemist*

      I worked for the husband of a married couple in grad school. Their students all shared workspaces, collaborated often, and were very socially intertwined. And yet, they kept it professional enough at work that I didn’t realize they were married for a few months after I started working there!

      Definitely a few awkward moments though. During Covid, they made us play telephone between us students over coordinating shared spaces because they didn’t want to “blur the lines between work and home” but it was purely a work issue?? Also, I once had to go to his wife to report a sexism issue that my boss wouldn’t do anything about and I think she got mad at him over it behind the scenes…

      Also, they announced their first pregnancy to all of us by saying that there was an incoming “new joint student between our labs” lmao

    3. Rock Prof*

      I have known so many academic couples who are like this too. I think academia just blurs lots of work-life boundaries anyway, so a lot of people figure what’s one more?
      That said, it took me months to figure out that one of the people in my department was married to another professor in another department. I interacted with her almost everyday and it just never came up.

  8. Transatlantic*

    LW1 – I know in the update, LW1 says that the daily aspiration whisperer is a nice guy who means well, but it still bugs me. Does he only do that to other women? The update doesn’t specify. Did he ever say why he does this to some people and not others?

    Some people are just very positive and say such things, but the critical difference is that they say it openly to pretty much everyone, not just 1. women (if that’s the case here), or 2. in a whisper / private way. Instead they just say it when they chat with people, or openly to everyone. Or even to one particular friend after they get to know them. Not a few select people, relatively privately for no apparent reason.

    1. bamcheeks*

      I think this is fascinating, because there are two possible (and mutually exclusive!) standards for this:

      a) this is only OK if you do it to everyone
      b) this is only OK if you do it to the people who obviously enjoy it and aren’t freaked out by it

      To me, it sounds very much like LW finds it a funny and weird quirk the same way lots of poeple enjoyed the “stay gold!” intern. It sounds to me like he’s sufficiently socially aware to do it to the people who he has a good rapport with, and hwere he’s confident that they are hearing it as “weird in a charming and friendly” way, not a “weird in a creepy and inappropriate way”. I mean, I think that’s a good line to have in the workplace! And I do think it’s OK to have a few weird in-jokes and odd intimacies with some colleagues as long as you’re still professional and friendly to everyone else.

      1. flora_poste*

        OMG this just reminded me of an intern who worked with a colleague a year or so back for a few months (we’re in different organisations, but work closely together, so I worked with them both quite a lot): his answer to any request/question/comment was ‘slay’. Could you take notes at this meeting? ‘Slay’. How were the negotiations on this resolution? ‘Very slay’. This unfortunate thing has happened – ‘Oh that’s not very slay.’

        I LOVED it

    2. Ellis Bell*

      I think this is one of those things where “you had to be there” to understand the vibe. I think it sounds phenomenally creepy in the abstract, but I always respected OP’s instinct that it was not creeping them out: I’ve had too many experiences myself where something objectively fine creeped the crap out of me, and something I usually wouldn’t like was fine because I was inexplicably comfortable with the person. Also, OP was right! They didn’t feel singled out and it turned out he was actually doing it to others. I think though that generally ‘whispering affirmations’ are not the right thing to do though if you don’t want to be viewed as creepy.

      1. Sneaky Squirrel*

        Yes, I think that’s it. I can see this being one of those things that might have started as something different, maybe something silly, and evolved into one of his quirks. If LW isn’t bugged or creeped out, then I’m not.

      2. Dawn*

        Yeah it sounded creepy to me on first read for sure, but then I remembered several (this may or may not be a coincidence) rather flamboyantly gay colleagues in the past who would 1000% have been exactly this extra and nobody would have batted an eye – one of them used to sing to one of my coworkers every day! And it really changes if you see it through that lens of that sort of person, haha.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          The flipside of trusting our instincts when something seemingly innocuous seems creepy or threatening is that sometimes things that seem creepy when described–like an odd whispered compliment–don’t ping our threat radars at all.

          It sounds like the fact that the man hasn’t singled LW out and is respectful of LW’s space (he whispers from 3 feet away, which while *weird* isn’t as creepy) means that it doesn’t really bother LW.

      3. Daisy-dog*

        Yeah, I can 100% picture several men that I’ve worked with (and women too, but we’re talking about a man/woman work friendship) doing this without creeping me out. I may actually be creating false memories of something like this happening, but it feels familiar (though likely not with whispering).

  9. ReachForTheStars*

    #1’s update was really lovely as well – so nice to find out that someone who *could* have been being creepy just turns out to be a pleasantly harmless oddball :)

  10. Catherine*

    Re: #4, I also don’t think it’s appropriate to ask the wife, and in her shoes I’d sort of resent being asked. Sure, she goes around picking up after him–but at least for me, there is a difference between something I choose to do for my partner as an act of love vs a third party dropping my partner’s responsibility in my lap. I’m not my partner’s keeper and if my coworkers asked me to be I would feel imposed upon, if not taken for granted.

    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      This right here. My partner and I have a relationship that works for us. I might pick up after my partner and in exchange, they make dinners around the house because I hate cooking – something of that nature. I’m not my partner’s keeper and my partner’s boss isn’t paying me to do things for them. Don’t make me responsible for my partner’s job on top of my own.

      1. pespex*

        Yes, this. I replied to another comment with a similar sentiment. Is the low-performing partner receiving the feedback and performance evaluations in line with not meeting expectations? Is the over-performing partner receiving feedback regarding managing their time or having their job description or compensation modified due to the additional support staff responsibilities they have decided to perform?

  11. Turingtested*

    For situations like LW 2, I can never tell if the offender is mildly annoying but should be tolerated or if it’s an actual problem.

    I had a coworker who sang, hummed, always had something to say about everything and loved 70s prog rock. (My least favorite genre.) But she worked efficiently and was kind. She pissed a lot of people off but imo she wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, just things others didn’t like.

    1. UKDancer*

      I think things are a problem when they are offensive (rather than annoying) or massively affect productivity / stop work being done.

      People having annoying personal habits are just a thing that happens (I mean I went on a tour of a ruined pre-dissolution monastery a while back and some of the disputes the abbot recorded in his journal between members of the community were hilarious – Brother Mark objecting to Brother Jerome farting in the scriptorium, Brother Matthew complaining that someone was out of tune at evensong and could someone say something etc). People have always found their colleagues annoying probably since the dawn of time.

      If it starts affecting work outputs or is offensive (racist, sexist etc) then that’s a different matter. Otherwise part of what we get paid for at work is putting up with our colleagues. I had someone cracking their knuckles in the office a lot earlier this week and it was very irritating because I hate the way it sounds, but there’s nothing I can do.

      1. Freya*

        This – one of my coworkers occasionally absent-mindedly sings along to the radio we have playing as background noise in the office, and it drives me up the wall. But a) I can only hear them when they’re in the office, not when they’re WFH, b) I’m pretty sure their singing is also background noise for the rest of the office, and c) I have earbuds I can use. So I use the earbuds and play my own music through them because it’s a me problem how much it annoys me, and not an office productivity problem.

        1. Freya*

          I’ll also add that we changed the radio station purely because one radio presenter / DJ in the afternoon had a laugh that annoyed half the office, so if it WAS a productivity problem, I have no doubt that it would be addressed.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      People don’t have to be objectively wrong to be asked to change how they go about things though. A kind and efficient person would probably have been really receptive to someone saying “That’s actually distracting” or “I love the thought but I really can’t do any more prog rock this week!” If she ignored the requests, then she is in ‘wrong’ territory.

      1. Jackalope*

        This is where I land. It doesn’t make you a bad person to like singing or humming along to music, for example. But it is inconsiderate in an office environment to be listening to music loudly, especially when headphones are so easy! It’s distracting as heck to have someone playing their loud music while you’re trying to do thinking work. And as someone who had a coworker once spend a long morning singing out loud to the music on his headphones, it was hard for the rest of us to get stuff done. (He was prickly which is probably why no one said anything, and thankfully it was just that one day so we could move on after that, but everyone in the area commented on it.)

  12. Can’t think of anything clever*

    LW4…I can’t imagine expecting a spouse to clean up after their spouse at work. If the husband were on a lengthy business trip and had something at home that was needed in the office I suppose it’s ok to ask the wife if she could bring it in but the rest of this is really extreme. Intentionally bringing in a tote bag once a week to go around and pick up what he’s left at work? Stop!

    1. Hyaline*

      I mean, that’s their relationship and their business, I guess–she’s not being asked by work to do that from what I can tell, she’s choosing to do so on her own. She should maybe be more aware of the message and expectations it sends, but on some level, I’m like “whatever works for you people, your business.”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        That’s their relationship and their business.
        This. (And it’s very normal in a long relationship to specialize, so that A eventually does all of chore A and B all of chore B.)

        What’s inappropriate is the people observing this dynamic and wondering if they can use it to get her to also do chore B for them, since she’s already doing it for her spouse.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        Imo, the line btwn “that’s their relationship and their business” stops when they bring it into the workplace. Alison has addressed it in multiple contexts (the dom/sub couple!), but something may be perfectly ok within the context of a relationship but still not ok within a workplace. Obviously cleaning up after him isn’t a firing offense but it’s not a good look on either of them, from a professional standpoint. If nothing else, it’s a problem that his (presumably dirty) mugs and lunch containers are sitting around all week until his wife cleans them up.

        1. Space Needlepoint*

          I was wondering if there might not be a dom/sub thing going on in that relationship, which wouldn’t be anyone’s business except they brought it into the workplace.

          Something about it gives me the creeps.

  13. Hyaline*

    The really, really weird part on #4 was that the wife wasn’t even home. Honestly, if I knew two people were living together (married, roommates, adult child living with parent, whatever) and the one was *not able* to return the equipment because *they* were traveling, I’d have no issue leveraging the knowledge that the other had access to the items that needed to be returned. It gets a little stranger to ask if they’re both home, but ok…sure, maybe you know Pat will remember and Jan will forget for a week, so you mention it. But to call someone who’s away and…what, ask them to nag their spouse? No, that’s weird.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      This! I assume they mean her to call him up and nag him to put it in the car before bed or something, but that is something they could easily do themselves or he could set his own reminders. Or something like, “It’s really needed for x -day, if we don’t have it in the morning we will need you to go get it”.

  14. Czhorat*

    1 and 2 are interesting together because they’re two sides of the same coin – co-workers who are a bit strange and might not fit in everywhere.

    The affirmations sound uncmfortable to me, but he’s apparently a charming but slightly strange individual who is genuinely likeable even if quirky. The other one clearly doesn’t fit in, but her weird quirks (bringing in a vegetable plant!) are seen as offputting. That she lurks into conversations that evaporate when she shows up could feel like boundaries and could feel like an unpopular colleague being frozen out depending on ones perspective.

    I’ve always embraced weirdness, but this could also serve as a reminder of how in some cultures one can find oneself an office pariah if they don’t work harder to fit in.

    1. UKDancer*

      I think weirdness is fine up to the point it makes other people’s life actually harder. I remember there was one office where they had an “empath” who needed a lot of managing around including a plan to make sure she didn’t see a dead bird which involved the rest of the team. When you need that many work arounds it can be an interference in work so I’d call that unacceptable.

      On the other hand I’ve a member of staff who is weird and loves his (not very successful) football team. When they win he comes in wearing his football scarf (and sometimes other parts of the strip) and often brings biscuits. This is accepted by everyone as “the way Fred is” and nobody minds because it doesn’t interfere with work as a whole and doesn’t require anyone else to do anything beyond eat the biscuits if they want.

      I’d say having a plant is not something that should be problematic but the loud music is. Lurking into conversations is more arguable. If they’re social conversations then it’s probably hard to dismiss her whereas if it’s work conversations that’s easier.

      2. Czhorat*

        I’m the guy who runs out into the park to juggle during my lunchbreak, so I know where I land on this scale. I also have a higher tolerance for quirkiness than some; when someone posted here about the guy who played ukulele at his desk I thought an impromotu ukulele concert sounded fun, but I understand that I’m in the minority (and don’t worry – I leave all of my ukuleles home)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          one of the minor reasons I’m glad to WFH is that I can get out my spinner (like spinning yarn) on my lunch break and knock out a few dozen yards without having to navigate the “is someone going to look at me weird if I get out a tiny electric spinning wheel in the break room” debate. (Realistically, it would not stop me, nor would it probably be the strangest thing my coworkers have heard about me doing, but still.)

          1. Jeanine*

            WFH is the greatest. I can decorate how I want and play music as loud as I want and have a great time and no one can do anything cause they don’t even know!

  15. Absentminded Professor's Loving Wife*

    LW4: ” Our manager checked in and when we told him the reason for the delay, he suggested that we email the wife coworker to help. She has been on a conference road trip and won’t be in the office for another two weeks.”

    The manager is seriously suggesting contacting the wife WHILE SHE’S ON A ROAD TRIP to ask her to somehow gather up the company equipment and return it to the office?! Aside from this being wildly inappropriate, how on earth would she be ABLE to do that if she isn’t even at home?

    Even a primary school knows better than to contact Mommy when she’s out of town to ask her to bring in Junior’s lunch. This is a professional situation, the husband is a grown man and the company should be dealing with him and him alone to get their equipment back. Just because she collects what he’s left at the office and takes it home does NOT mean that she should be treated as if she’s the mother and he’s a young child!

    1. Hlao-roo*

      The letter is very short on details about what the “help” from the wife would look like. My assumption is that the manager wanted the wife to “nag” her husband to return the equipment via phone/email/text, not that the manager expected the wife to physically return home to bring the equipment to the office. Not that my interpretation is OK either! The manager really needs to talk to the husband directly.

  16. Czhorat*

    One thing that irks me about #4 is that I hate the “absent minded professor” schtick; he can conceivably remember all kinds of academic, technical, or otherwise interesting to his field information.

    If he doesn’t naturally remember stuff he is perfectly capable of learning habits or using tools to navigate the admistrative side of life. He can set reminders on his phone. Write notes to himself. Use a calendar app. Get in the habit of putting his scarf in a coat pocket when takes it off. Etc.

    There’s a special place in the underworld for people who shirk the responsibility for tasks they see as beneath themselves, and they’ll be joined there by their enablers.

  17. EarlGrey*

    I sympathize wholeheartedly with LW2. Work-related grievances aside (which are 100% valid and relatable), even the qualms with social conversations are valid and ought to be treated as such. It is absolutely important to make space for quirks and different personalities but this behaviour can come across as steamrolling.

    Detracting other people’s stories with your own or fully interrupting their sentence reads as unkind and inconsiderate for many people; there is no way around that. For context, I am neurodivergent and have struggled immensely with social skills in the workplace over my career, so much so that it has impacted my performance before. I have definitely been the steamroller.

    It is NOT easy to navigate social cues. Nobody should be unjustly excluded. But everyone deserves to feel heard – and that goes for people like the LW who are trying to share their voice, too.

  18. Cinn*

    For LW4, I agree with everyone above who says don’t use the wife to remind a grown man about his work stuff. However, personally I don’t see the equivalency the coworkers made between her collecting personal items once a week to get her to help with with his work stuff. She’s grabbing personal stuff because presumably it’s the most efficient way for her to get them back to be used again.

  19. Caramel & Cheddar*

    Taking LW1 at their word that the Affirmation Whisperer isn’t creepy, in the last twenty years I’ve worked with a surprisingly large number of people for whom these kinds of affirmations are part of their day-to-day workplace culture. (A lot of these folks worked with kids, so that may be relevant.) Stuff like “You’re the best!” or “I appreciate you!” after you help them with one minor thing, etc. It makes me uncomfortable because I don’t like receiving undue praise for minor things, but I wouldn’t necessarily think it was odd. Essentially, even if it wasn’t being whispered at me, it would still annoy me a bit.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I’ll add that I know that when people say this stuff, it’s just an alternate way of saying thank you vs expressing actual praise, but I still dislike it. Just say thank you, it’s fine.

    2. Seashell*

      Sometimes people do go overboard with praise (I think this may be common when it’s done by text/email so it doesn’t come across as too serious), but I’d be more comfortable with this kind of praise in response to something I actually did rather than a random coworker telling me I’m awesome for no reason.

  21. Boss Scaggs*

    I agree in general with #4 that the guy should be responsible for his own stuff, but if the equipment is really needed to do the job, I’d still ask the wife, or ask him to ask her, especially if it’s client related

    1. Workerbee*

      Nah, the manager should be stepping up, enforcing consequences, etc. ‘Cause are they also having to constantly remind the husband to go to work, get his work done, meet deadlines? I’m leaning toward not – so husband can use whatever tools he uses to keep himself on track at work to do these “other” tasks as well.

  22. Workerbee*

    #3 – the link to the original set had “My intern thinks he’s good at things that he’s terrible at” for the first slot, and I couldn’t help but read it. I was struck by how, even after all the documentable terrible stuff, the OP’s wording was still: “We convinced him to leave his internship 3 weeks early” instead of “We TOLD him to leave his internship 3 weeks early.”

  23. CubeFarmer*

    LW#1 reminded me of a recent meeting I had where one of the participants make a very awkward adjustment that involved grabbing his pants legs every single time he sat down (we were frequently moving around because we were looking at a facility and then talking about plans.) It was really blatant, to the point where the other participant (a man) looked at him and asked if everything was okay. I could only guess that his undergarment situation that day wasn’t working for him.

  24. Pizza Rat*

    While getting things done on projects often means leveraging relationships, those are professional relationships, not personal ones.

    I find the picking up after the spouse disturbing.

  25. MCMonkeybean*

    I’m surprising myself by not feeling very strongly about the situation in letter 4. If they’re talking to the spouses about each other’s actual work I’d be strongly against–but all the examples here seem to just be about bringing things between their home and the office. She seems to have made herself responsible for collecting all her husband’s stuff around the office, and if there are things that they need that are currently at his house… well those things are also in her house! So I guess I don’t feel like it’s outrageous to ask if she can bring them in if he keeps forgetting to.

  26. Pi314*

    We’re experiencing a weird version of #4 in my office right now. There is a husband -and-wife pair who both work out of our office, but don’t work closely together and don’t report to the same manager. Husband was out sick for a few days recently, and relied on Wife to notify the rest of the team. Another coworker, who seems to have ongoing beef with the Wife, was complaining to her about having to cover some of the Husband’s tasks without notice. Weirdly, Wife was being cagey about why he was out of the office when talking to this coworker; instead of just telling them he was sick and needed a few days off (very normal and not a issue in our office culture) she just repeatedly told them that it was “unplanned PTO which became necessary late last night,” hoping that the coworker would correctly infer that he was sick and offer synpathy, I guess? Wife continued to sort of manage Husband’s absence by reminding people to pass certain work info along to him when he returns, etc, but also drawing boundaries about not communicating with managers about him but ALSO talking loudly throughout the office about his specific symptoms with coworkers she is friendly with.

  27. Angel S.*

    To me #1 subject seems a bit patronizing, especially if he is a peer. He meant well and probably didn’t realize it.

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