Ask a Manager

Last week we talked about coworkers cheating on coworkers, coworkers cheating with coworkers, and related drama. Here are 11 of the most bananapants stories you shared.

1. The poorly kept secret

At OldJob where I was an intern, there was a couple (Bob and Barbara) who were having an affair. They were in the same department but on different development teams and they didn’t think anyone knew, but in the gossip-heavy workplace, it took all of two seconds for the affair to be discovered. The couple’s preferred way of being discreet was to pretend they didn’t know each other. Whenever someone would mention Bob to Barbara, she’d say something like “Oh does he work on (wrong floor)? I don’t think we’re acquainted.” And then Bob would say “Barbara? Is she the (wrong title) in (wrong department)?”

Naturally, this led to everyone finding ways to mention Bob and Barbara as much as possible just to see what new way they’d pretend not to know the other. Then someone created a scavenger hunt list. Every week, a group of employees would compete with each other to get Bob or Barbara to pretend not to know the other in as many different parts of the building as possible. Elevators and bathrooms garnered the most points.

The game came to an end during the state association conference when the two of them wound up on the same certification panel and were forced to “introduce” themselves to a huge room full of their colleagues. Scuttlebutt was the department head got sick of the scavenger hunt shenanigans and assigned them both to the panel as a way to shut it down.

2. The cheating rumor

When I started dating my husband, I referred him by his proper name (let’s say John). But he had a nickname in the family, let’s say JJ, and he always went by JJ when we were with family and friends. So a couple times at work, I used JJ instead of John. One of my gossipy coworkers went to another and said, “Oh my gosh, John seemed like such a good fit for her. I can’t believe she went behind his back with this guy JJ!” Supposedly they decided not to “embarrass” me by asking about it, so for a few weeks, my office thought I was cheating on my boyfriend with … my boyfriend.

3. The head of HR

I’m a cheater whisperer, people feel the need to confess to me when they’re cheating, thinking about cheating or being cheated on all the time. I don’t know why either.

The weirdest confession at work came from the head of HR (!!), at the Christmas party, in the bathroom.

Jane, head of HR, hired Fergus, a sales manager. Who was engaged at the time, which everyone knew as it was part of his introduction to the company.

About three months after Jane hired Fergus comes the Christmas party, traditionally with an open bar. I’m drunk and in the bathroom, washing my hands. Jane comes in, presumably even drunker than I am, bursts into tears and sort of falls into my arms and confesses her affair with Fergus to me. There are tears. There is sobbing. I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t remember the whole episode that clearly (again: drunk as hell) but I remember awkwardly patting Jane’s back with my wet hands since I hadn’t gotten around to drying them yet; a couple of renditions of me going “he’s never going to break off the engagement” and her going “I know but I think I love him”; a colleague walking into the bathroom, seeing Jane and me and just turning around and walking back out again; and the same colleague later coming back to rescue me. I don’t know how long Jane and I were in the bathroom, but it felt like forever. It was at least long enough for my colleague to grow a conscience and return to help.

The whole thing was so surreal that the next morning I genuinely wasn’t sure if it was real or an alcohol induced hallucination, except the colleague who came to my rescue asked me the next day WTF that had been all about (I DON’T KNOW) and Jane didn’t look me in the eye for weeks (no great loss, she was shitty HR anyway).

4. The Love Shack

At my mom’s workplace years ago, they were all social workers for the state and had cleaning crew provided by the county. They were performing the cleaning as part of community service requirement. For the most part, this was fine. The workers treated the cleaning crew well and respected them. The work was mainly vacuuming halls, dumping trash, and groundskeeping.

One social worker who was married and had children struck up a “friendship” with one of the crew who was her age. My mom and her coworkers did think it was odd she was pouring so much attention on this guy. And she turned around saying she was helping him through her church. I mean, the guy met her husband and had been to her house during a party that other coworkers were at. Turns out they were having liaisons in the storage shed out the back during working hours. They got caught in the act one day by a worker going to get some equipment.

And the worker that caught them was legendary. They didn’t notice her. She walked back into the building, got on the phone intercom and called the office head to come out back to the “Love Shack.” The office head starts asking her what she means and she tells them as she walks them back to the shed where they both catch them. That worker got fired on the spot and to our knowledge, never told her husband why. My mother and her coworkers consistently called the storage shed the Love Shack after that point.

5. The hookup capital

I worked at this place that was known as “hookup capital.” Cheating is rampant — people would come married into this workplace and leave married to someone else — it’s nuts. There was this one guy who sat next to his girlfriend, and they worked on the same department. They were classic high school sweethearts who had been dating for years, until they got married while working there. Turns out, the girl was cheating on the guy for years with someone else who sat next to them in the same department. They divorced, while sitting next to each other, and the girl married the new guy. Later on, the girl left to a different place for a couple years, and then divorced the new guy. Then she came back TO THE SAME DEPARTMENT and sat next to her ex-husband and proceeded to date someone else while cheating on them with the original guy. I think they even got remarried or they were dating by the time I left — it was unclear.

That workplace is a mess. I miss the drama, it kept me entertained.

6. The revenge

Male manager (Bobby), divorced, has girlfriend (Cindy) who everyone knows because she runs a hotel/conference center and gives company great cost breaks. Bobby begins acting suspiciously with Jan, his employee, who is married. Bobby and Jan deny anything is going on. Jan gets divorced. Bobby claims he has broken up with Cindy so please don’t ask her for discounts. Bobby gets involved with Marcia, but it’s not romantic – she just needs his help so he goes over and makes her coffee every morning, but he definitely doesn’t sleep there!

Jan begins to smell a rat. She contacts Marcia, who says what do you mean? Bobby and I are engaged! Jan reveals she and Bobby and engaged! Jan calls Cindy and – you guessed it – she and Bobby are engaged!

The stage is set. Marcia and Bobby go out for dinner. They are seated at a table for four. After drinks are ordered, Jan and Cindy appear (IN THEIR WEDDING DRESSES!) and sit down.

Bobby married Carol six months later.

7. The obliviousness

I am oblivious to this type of thing and am always the last to know about any interoffice romances, cheating or not.

I once walked into my boss’s office to ask a question and a coworker was in there too. Asked my question, got the answer, and went back to my desk to continue working. I DID NOT SEE ANYTHING or SUSPECT ANYTHING untoward going on. Must have had my head down looking at paperwork or was just not paying attention.

Next day, both parties came to me separately so embarrassed asking me not to say anything/gossip about what I saw the prior day. I truly had no clue what they were talking about. I can only assume I did see something but my brain would not compute and just lost the memory completely.

8. The mess

I have a good one because of the absolute audacity! This background is necessary for how this happened and caused no one to get in trouble. The first place I worked after college was very “high school” in terms of gossip and everyone making horrible relationship choices since 95% of the people hired in that department were hired straight out of college and most higher ups had come up through the ranks with almost no outside hires. The job involved a lot of lab work where people were scheduled to work with the same people throughout the whole day. The tasks were pretty mindless, so gossip was the easiest way to pass the time.

There was a girl (Sherri) on one of the teams. She was secretly dating Casey, Zane, and Jess. She’d told each of them that she wanted to keep it a secret because she didn’t want their relationship to become workplace gossip. She also told each of them that she HATED the other two guys due to them treating her poorly. Thus, all three guys would only talk to her one-on-one at work and tried their best to avoid each other.

This worked really well until she went on vacation with her family. One of the schedulers who had an idea of what was going on chose violence that week and scheduled all three guys in the same task every single day that week. The first day all three worked in silence. The second day Casey started talking about how he was sad because his girlfriend was on vacation that week. Zane and Jess thought that was a coincidence because their girlfriends were also on vacation. One of the three of them said something about it being hard to have a secret girlfriend at work. Then the floodgates opened and they all realized they were all dating Sherri and she was cheating on all three of them. Picture the Spiderman meme where they’re all pointing at each other if you want an accurate picture.

At the end of the week, Casey and Jess were assigned to lead a project together for the next three rooms, even though they hated each other so much that they couldn’t speak to each other and none of the three were allowed to be scheduled with each other because it would devolve to screaming.

Sherri came back to a nightmare. Casey, who had been dating Sherri the longest, ended things with her because he also blamed her for the issues. Jess would talk crap about Sherri to anyone who would listen. Zane thought Sherri was out of his league and that he couldn’t do any better, so he continued to date her and they made the relationship public. However, Sherri continued to cheat on Zane with Jess.

Jess would talk about it with other coworkers while riding the bus home, so everyone, including Zane, knew about it. It was the talk of the department for months.

9. The car dealership

During my time at a car/recreational vehicle dealership, Phil was our top salesman, for reasons no one could define. His jokes weren’t funny, his belt buckle was the size of his head, he wore his shirt unbuttoned nearly to the waist, he referred to himself in the third person – he probably even hated puppies, not sure. Phil never met an elderly customer he couldn’t or wouldn’t screw over.

Phil was married – as cads often are – to a wonderful woman we all loved, who was unaware of his penchant for picking up strippers, bringing them back to the dealership, and “christening” the new RVs. None of us could stand him but since he had the highest sales, he was untouchable.

One morning, a few salesmen were standing around, snickering about the night before. They had all gone to a strip club, where Phil met a stripper – “Berry” – whom he brought back to the dealership for the RV portion of his evening. Typically, he would just shoo them out when they were done, and go home to his wife, but Berry was impressed with his new “digs” and resisted leaving. Phil told the salesmen that she delayed him getting home so much, his wife was suspicious.

I asked the salesmen if they wanted to assist ruining Phil’s morning; they couldn’t agree fast enough.

Our dealership was huge, covered three buildings and four large parking lots. This pre-dated cell phones/pagers, so to get a hold of someone, you had to use the PA system. Both the buildings’ and the lots’ speakers were insanely loud; the people buried in the cemetery down the road probably never got a moment’s piece during business hours.

I knew Phil was in the RV lot, tidying up from the night before. Over the PA, I announced, “Phil, please call Reception.” When he did, I said a friend of his was waiting in the lobby, she said her name was Berry. I am fairly certain he dropped the phone. He told me to say he wasn’t available, and ordered me to get rid of her. I hung up. Minutes later, I paged Phil again; when he called, I reported Berry was interested in buying a car, and would not work with any other salesman, given that Phil had promised her a big discount. Phil was irate (cheating on his wife with strippers was one thing, giving a customer a discount was intolerable) and again, told me to get rid of her.

I hung up and paged him again after another imaginary conversation with Berry. This went on for a ridiculous amount of time; Phil giving me increasingly panicky demands to get her to leave, “Berry” becoming more insistent on getting that discount she was promised. I was just about to let Phil off the hook when the owner of the dealership arrived, perfect timing! I to page Phil twice to get him to come to the main building.

When he finally stormed over, he noticed the owner’s car and really panicked. He said, “Where’s Berry?” and one of the salesmen said she was waiting in the customer lounge. When Phil couldn’t find her, another salesman said he saw her walk out to the new car lot. Still no Berry. Yet another salesman said, “That chick wearing the blue dress? I saw her walking over to the RVs.” Phil sprinted out the door just seconds before we all broke down laughing. We kept that up for an hour, making Phil jog all over, looking for Berry. Cruel, but highly entertaining. Finally, Phil had sweated through his clothes, and we had gotten bored. The salesmen told Phil they tracked her down and asked her to wait in the conference room. Phil burst through that door, only to find our way-past-retirement (and in on the joke) comptroller sorting files. She looked up at him and said, “Hello, big boy!” and winked.

Phil didn’t talk to anyone for over a week. It was glorious.

10. The calculations

My spouse works as an independent contractor for a larger company, where each person/team is paid for jobs completed and difficulty, not hourly. Those able to complete the greatest number of jobs and/or who have expertise in the most challenging specialties make the most money.

There was a woman who worked in sales who realized she could calculate which of the subcontractors were making the most with the data she had … and then she proceeded to date ALL of the top earners (this is a very physically demanding, male-dominated industry). At once. The company is spread out across the country, and most subcontractors travel frequently, so it was actually pretty easy to keep them secret from each other for several years.

However … when it got out, the whole company kind of exploded. She’d been in “exclusive” relationships with at least 12 men, some of them with wives and children, and almost all of whom she’d convinced to spend extravagant amounts of money on her in gifts and vacations. There were several divorces and at least one physical altercation. One employee literally disappeared into the desert for several weeks and then just … went back to work and nobody said anything about it. The saleswoman was let go, but almost all of the men stayed with the company, so … now all the top performers just hate each other’s guts. No one with any of the key specialties can teach the whole system, and they absolutely refuse to work together on anything ever, including teaching the same person in sequence, so the company is now slowly crumbling because one woman was the world’s most manipulative player.

11. The all-staff email

I used to work at a small agency owned by two partners. One afternoon, a coworker looked over at me across the open-plan working space and whispered “Have you checked your email?” When I did I found an email from the wife of one of the partners addressed to the entire company with the subject line “Big News!” and the text:

Hey Everybody!

[Partner] and [Designer] are sleeping together! She can have him!

I sat there for the next fifteen minutes or so as you could watch people go from quietly working to gazing around with the same shell-shocked expression that I and my coworker had. Eventually the designer in question read the email and left in understandable embarrassment. I left shortly thereafter, texting my wife with the location of a bar near her office and informing her that I would be waiting there with a stiff drink until she could get off work.

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Relatedly, if you want to read a very long email sent company-wide by the wife of an employee who was cheating on her with a coworker, you may do so here.

It’s the annual Ask a Manager speed round! Until 3:30 pm ET today, I’ll be answering questions live.

How to ask questions: Submit a question using the form here. (Don’t leave your question in the comment section; I won’t see it there.) If you submitted a question yesterday, there’s no need to submit it again; I’ve got it in my queue.

How to read answers live: Refresh the page to see new questions/answers. I’ll post new answers at the top as I go so you don’t have to scroll down to see the latest.

Other info: It’s a speed round so these are going to be quick answers. We’ll see how many I can get through.

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That’s it for today!

There were a ton of questions I didn’t get to (I received 599 total and answered 72 here) so please feel free to submit them to me for regular answers if you’d like to:
https://www.askamanager.org/ask-a-question

I may save some unused questions for future “short answer” posts (or maybe I’ll do a second speed round with the leftovers next month).

72. Passerby witness to employee conduct

I once witnessed two employees in a retail environment having a very contentious conversation, I was browsing and checking out, they were not in a private space. It sounded like a manager berating her employee well past the point of helpfulness. They were the only two employees around to keep things covered. I did not say anything at the time, was that the right action?

It’s hard to know without more details, but if you’d had any interaction with the employee who was being berated, one option was to go over to them and say to the target, “I just wanted to thank you for your help earlier. I really appreciated your assistance with X” (or something else similarly positive). It won’t change the fact that they work for a jerk, but it might make their day a little less crappy (and it might take the wind out of the manager’s sails too, who knows).

On the other hand, I can also imagine situations egregious enough where it would be reasonable to say, “No one deserves to be spoken to that way, and overhearing this makes me never want to come back here.”

71. Touchy boss

My boss always sits way too close to me when he’s trying to explain something or is so close next to me I can feel his breath. He touches the screen of my laptop and brushes against me. I need some space! I’ve asked him to give me a bit of space but it hasn’t worked. Help!

I wish I knew what he has said when you’ve asked him to give you space since that would help me refine the advice. But absent that, I’d just say, “Sorry, I have a big personal space bubble, can I move you over a little?” Or just physically move yourself away from him.

70. The clipper caper

I have a coworker who clips their fingernails every single day at their desk. We have a semi-open office plan and it really squicks me out to hear the fingernail clipping over the cubicle walls. Thoughts on fingernail clippage at work?

Clipping one hangnail at your desk: fine. Clipping all your nails at your desk: not okay. Do your grooming in private. (Also, how are they clipping their nails every day?! How fast do their nails grow?)

69. PTSD as a manager

I have PTSD that I have told no one outside of HR at my workplace about, and that’s how I’d like to keep it. I manage a small group. Currently I’m in a pretty bad flare up and I can’t hide that something is wrong. I’m distracted, unproductive, and out of the office more thanks to increased therapy sessions. I’m sure employees wonder what is going on but nobody has asked. My boss knows I’m out more due my FMLA accommodations. Do I owe it to anyone to say anything else?

You don’t have to, but as a manager it can be a kindness to your team to give them some context so they’re not worrying about what’s going on (and possibly filling in the blanks with things they’re not right about). You don’t need to give details, though; it would be enough to say, “I’m dealing with some stresses outside of work right now so if you notice me seeming distracted, that’s why. I’m working on it.” You could also replace “some stresses outside of work” with “a medical issue” if you want.

68. Boss asked staff to sign “no emotion” contract

My boss recently asked one of their subordinates (who is middle manager) to sign a contract that states that they “won’t have any strong emotions,” specifically “depression or disappointment,” while at work. Am I correct in thinking this is bananapants? First the person signing the contract is likely on the spectrum and can be locking into their thinking pattern but I feel that this would be the boss’s job to help teach them how to break out of this pattern at work. Second, if someone has disclosed that they battle depression, would there not be legal pitfalls to making them sign a contract stating they will not “show depression at work”?

WTF?! Yes, this is bananapants. And yes, it raises a bunch of legal issues since depression can be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If your company is big enough to have middle managers, I’m guessing you also have HR. Someone should tip them off that they have a rogue and incompetent manager who’s opening them to real legal liability.

67. Best response to “work family”

My boss really loves saying “we’re like a family” in internal meetings as well as when interviewing candidates. What’s the best response?

“I don’t know if you know, but there’s been a big backlash against that phrase in recent years. People often interpret it as meaning they’ll be expected to work long hours for low pay and accept bad behavior. I obviously know that’s not how you mean it, but you might be inadvertently giving candidates the wrong impression.”

66. Pronoun usage

I’m a fan of transparency with pronouns at work to signal that it’s an inclusive environment but how do you balance that with also respecting the fact that some people don’t want to come out in their email signatures and are forced to use pronouns they don’t associate with?

Say it’s welcomed but not required.

65. Reference phone numbers

Are we still including phone numbers with references, or is an email address good?

Still phone numbers.

64. Is it time to pull the plug on my mentorship?

I am a teapot engineer who, for 15 years, has been mentoring a person who wants to be a teapot engineer, but cannot obtain the necessary engineering degree. The mentee has gotten degrees in drafting and technical writing. They briefly were admitted to an engineering program, but flunked out in the first semester — after telling me they believed they had aced all their exams. Since then, no engineering school will admit them due to their poor prior performance.

Despite my encouragement, the mentee refuses to work as a draftsperson or technical writer in a teapot company. It’s teapot engineering or nothing. I’m feeling less than helpful. Should I pull the plug on this mentorship?

Probably. Cite increased demands on your schedule and wish them luck.

63. “Do you want anything” office etiquette

If a coworker is going to grab coffee, food, smoothies, etc. and they ask you if you want anything, what’s the proper etiquette? Are they offering to treat? Is the subtext “I’ll get it for you but you pay me back”? What’s the best way to navigate?

Generally they’re not offering to treat, only to obtain and transport. You should offer money before they go or ask how much you owe them when they get back. If it’s their treat, they’ll tell you at that point.

62. Cover letters

Is an “optional” cover letter in a job application really optional?

Yes. But in most industries, you’re generally better off including one for the same reasons they’re useful the rest of the time (assuming, at least, that you write one that adds something to your application rather than simply summarizing your resume).

61. Sick day trading

At my (union, non-US) job, we are allowed to give away sick days. As a result, there’s a real market in swapping sick days for favors. One of my coworkers once financed an 18-month parental leave by trading home cooked meals for extra days.

My spouse thinks this is ridiculous, that sick days shouldn’t be transferable. Is this normal in the world of collective agreements? Or is my work a crazy outlier?

I can’t speak to other cultures, but for the U.S.: not normal, highly problematic. Some companies do let people donate sick days, but it’s generally (a) for people in unusually difficult situations, not something as routine as looking to extend parental leave and (b) an actual donation, not a swap for home-cooked meals or other bribery.

60. Resume dates for freelance work

How do you suggest handling dates on a resume for very sporadic freelance work?

I worked as a graphic designer for several years but quit my last full-time job in late 2019 to go to grad school. That ended up getting pushed out because of COVID, and I just finished my MFA this spring. Since 2019, I’ve had a few part-time jobs (retail and similar), as well as a few freelance design and illustration projects (those just over the last couple years). I’m updating my resume to apply for full-time graphic design jobs now, with a single “freelance graphic designer” entry to cover that small amount of work I’ve done. How should I indicate the dates of that work? I’m thinking something like “[month/year of first freelance gig] to present,” but I’m unsure whether that’s appropriate because my freelance work has been so sporadic.

Yep, that’s exactly right. One umbrella listing to cover all the freelance work, with the dates done the way you proposed.

59. “I wish I wasn’t at work” decor

How do you feel about people decorating their work space with decor that clearly states that they wish they weren’t here? Things like “I’m only here because I haven’t won the lottery,” or very large retirement countdown clocks (with thousands of days to count down). Our office staff support staff working in direct care, if that matters.

In general: Eh. We’d all generally rather being doing something other than working, but you don’t make a point of announcing it to everyone who walks by. Still, though, there are some offices where this wouldn’t be out of place. But in direct care? It’s pretty crappy. Think it if you want, but it doesn’t need to be on a sign.

58. Produce giveaways

It’s produce season in the Midwest. Is it appropriate to bring some in to the office to give away? How much is too much? Especially for something that grows a ton like zucchini.

Yes! Bring in your extra produce!

How much is too much: if it risks becoming a burden for your office, like the kitchen is so full of zucchini that no one can sit in there, or it’s left rotting because it was too much for people to take home.

57. Giving notice

You recommend giving 2 weeks notice when leaving. Does that advice change if you’re managing a team or department?

Nope!

56. Boss complains about money, a lot

I work in a HR team of three. My boss is our director and earns SIGNIFICANTLY more than the two of us. I’m talking at least 45% more, not including her bonus. She’s been saying repeatedly that she’s living paycheck to paycheck. It’s getting annoying. I try to just move on with the convo and not engage with that info but it is irritating me. What’s your advice?

“Imagine what it’s like on our salaries.” Possibly followed by, “Can you get all of us raises?”

Or just internally roll your eyes and feel sorry for her for being so oblivious to her audience.

55. Desk decor

What is your favorite personal item on *your* desk?

Ridiculously overpriced Ember mug. It keeps your drink hot for a few hours and you can control its precise temperature from an app on your phone and I paid too much for it and I love it.

54. How much research should recruiters do?

An in-house recruiter messaged me about a role he thought I was a great fit for. After a phone screening, they asked me to submit the application (which was a bit time-intensive, requiring a few short answer questions). However, a few weeks later, he got back to me and said unfortunately the hiring manager was looking for someone with a higher level of experience and they wouldn’t be bringing me in for an interview.

Is this expected when applying via a recruiter? I would’ve thought he might’ve checked if I had the experience the hiring manager wanted before asking me to put time into the application and phone screening.

It’s not uncommon. Sometimes it’s because recruiters didn’t ask the right questions before screening candidates, but sometimes it’s just that the hiring manager necessarily has a more nuanced knowledge of who will be right for the role, and even a good recruiter can slightly miss the mark.

53. Re-applying after a layoff

I briefly worked for a company in late 2019/early 2020 before I was laid off with several others due to Covid. They are hiring for a position in the same department with a different function than what I was doing previously, but I think it could be a good fit with the experience I’ve gained in the last few years. Would it be weird to re-apply to a company after being laid off?

Not weird at all! Go for it.

52. Egg on head

What should be done about a coworker (Bob) who dropped an egg on his coworker (Mary’s) head while she was in the lobby and he was on the second floor in an area overlooking the lobby, but Bob claims it was an accident and we can’t prove otherwise but suspect?

The lack of context here is almost as interesting as the question itself!

What do you know about Bob aside from this? There are some people where you’d easily think, “I can’t imagine Bob intentionally dropping an egg on someone’s head, so of course it’s believable that it was an accident” … and there are other people where you’d think, “Dropping an egg on someone’s head is exactly something Bob would do.” I’m guessing from your question that this is the latter. If that’s the case, you have a very serious conversation with Bob where you tell him he’s on a short leash, you’re watching him carefully, and if he messes up again, he’s out. And then you do watch him carefully — because there’s clearly a judgment issue here and it’s likely another egg shoe is going to drop. Usually in cases like that, if you go looking, you’ll find plenty.

51. Interesting jobs

Sometimes you interview someone who has an interesting job. I have always wondered about the person who picks out music for TV shoes like “This Is Us.” How do they find the perfect songs? How does someone end up with that job? Can that be your next interview?

Yes, please. If anyone has this job or knows someone who does, please get in touch immediately.

50. Elaborate musical number about coworker

What would happen in real life if a bunch of employees wrote and performed an elaborate musical number about how incompetent their coworker is, like “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” Would that be considered a hostile work environment?

“Hostile work environment” is a legal term that means the harassment or discrimination is linked to a protected characteristic of the target — race, sex, age (if 40 or over), religion, disability, etc. If they just didn’t like the coworker and none of those things were in play, it wouldn’t be a hostile workplace in the legal sense, but it would certainly be one in the colloquial sense.

People should not perform musical numbers about not liking their coworkers. Or at least they should save it for the privacy of their own homes.

49. Moderation

How do we flag a problematic comment for moderation?

Reply to the comment with a quick note about your concern (even just writing “flag” is fine) and include a link. All links go through moderation so I’ll see it and can take a look. If you ever forget this, it’s included on the “how to comment” page.

48. Rescheduling meetings

Twice in the past two weeks, fellow managers (at my same level) have had to cancel meetings that involve most of my team. In both cases they have given me a day or two in notice, then noted that their calendars were up to date so that I could find a new meeting time.

My feeling about this is that it’s not up to me to go into their calendars and find a new meeting time, but that the onus in on them to reschedule. Whose responsibility is it? We don’t have any support staff to manage our calendars for us.

If we were going to make a rule about it, it should be their responsibility (since they’re not senior to you and they’re the ones canceling). On a practical level, though, I wouldn’t get too hung up on who does it. Or at least, as long as there’s not additional context that makes it annoying (like that they only do this to women or they’re condescending generally). If you do want to push it back to them, it would be fine to say, “I’m running between appointments today so could you handle the rescheduling? My calendar is up to date. Thanks!”

47. Job offer timing

Spouse thinks if, after final round of interviews, a week goes by without contact it means they’re not interested and are going to offer to another candidate. Do you think that’s true specifically for job offers?

Nope, it definitely is not.

46. Coworker said my office should be searched because I tried out for the Olympics

I work on an academic campus with a very strict no weapons policy, which I’m totally okay with and would never dream of violating. I also tried out for the Olympic shooting team, but didn’t make the cut. I didn’t really think much of mentioning that I had tried out to my coworkers, or that I hadn’t qualified when the Games were happening.

Those conversations must have concerned someone, because one of my coworkers (I don’t know who) asked campus security to search my office, since they believed I probably had firearms on campus with me. I didn’t, but now I’m not sure what I should do? Having my office searched was incredibly invasive, disruptive, and embarrassing. My dean thinks I should just shrug and consider it normal, but I’m hurt that one of my coworkers would think that I’d violate our policies like this (or even carry in a public space), and upset by the idea of my office being searched again.

WTF? I don’t agree that you should consider that normal, but your dean is right that there’s not much to be done. Is there any way you can tell yourself it could have been a legitimate misunderstanding on the anonymous coworker’s part? It might be good for your peace of mind if you can … but either way, there’s nothing really actionable here. (If it started happening all the time, that would be different. But so far it’s just been one weird incident.)

45. Moderation assistants

Are you the only one approving comments or do you have community volunteers / outside employees helping you?

It’s just me!

44. Breaks

My son-in-law refuses to take a lunch break at his work (he’s over shipping for a small mail order business). He’s salaried, a hard worker, and well-liked by his boss but he also struggles with anxiety and I suspect he feels (irrationally) that it would look like he’s loafing on company time. As a result, he’s starving and exhausted when he gets home and it’s playing havoc with his health. His wife has tried to reason with him, his mother has tried, and I have tried. I don’t know what his employer has said about it (if anything )but the atmosphere is casual and while I’m positive he would be fine with him taking a lunch break, he’s going to let my son-in-law do what he wants. If this was your relative, what might you say to him?

Maybe this: “If I were your manager, I’d be so upset to learn someone working for me felt this way. I’d feel responsible for you being hungry and exhausted every day, and I’d feel I’d failed at being a good manager if you worried about taking lunch.” Or maybe just: “Why don’t you run this by your boss and see how they feel about it?”

But I also think you’ve already tried and it’s not your place to keep pushing.

43. Hybrid etiquette

I am a hybrid employee who needs to come into the office 2 days a week. My work is done using a computer and I am unable to work without logging onto the system. I am located 20 minutes from the office. There was an outage with the VPN one day last week while I was working from home. Only associates who were physically in the office were able to log into the system. Around 11am, management asked for those of us working from home to come into the office. Is it an expectation to have to come in on a planned work from home day due to system issues outside my control?

It can be, yes. If you literally can’t do the work from home, it’s not outrageous to ask you to move to a location where you can.

42. Shoeless and sockless in meetings

Our former CEO would often go barefoot in the office, which was fine I guess, but in meetings, she would sit with her feet up on her chair and be touching her bare feet. Like, massaging her foot and rubbing her toes during debrief meetings and discussions about the company’s future. This is a professional organization and not a small mom-and-pop, to be clear. Thoughts on barefooted meetings?

Eeeww. I’m pro bare feet if they’re under your desk, but you don’t massage your nude feet in business meetings.

41. Managers don’t communicate

My manager rarely talks to me outside of our weekly departmental meeting. Whenever I need his advice or help, my other colleagues are in his office talking to him. They treat him like a big brother and frequently stop in his office throughout the day to talk shop and/or sports. I’ve jokingly mentioned to him that it’s really hard to actually talk to him. He admits that it’s a problem but says I should stop in his office anytime. But there’s always someone else in his office! Any advice?

Why not just schedule time with him? Say, “It’s hard to find time with you since you’re often talking with someone else when I pop by — could I get 30 minutes on your calendar every other week?” (Or whatever frequency seems reasonable for your context.)

40. Do you ever want to run a company?

You’ve got so much cumulative knowledge on what’s good and bad for employees. If you could start a company (you know, money aside) would you?

Good lord, no. I want less work and responsibility, not more.

39. Employee got angry at someone who told her to have a good weekend

I’m a first time manager. One of my employees, “Meghan,” got angry at someone who said, “I hope you have a good weekend.” It was a harmless comment, and the person who said it was using it to close a conversation. Meghan complained to me and said that her weekend is none of the other person’s business and by her own account she was rude to the person who said it. Meghan has also previously complained about someone who said “hi” and “morning!” to her as they were arriving at our office. Meghan says people need to leave her alone and stay out of her business. I think people are just being friendly but Meghan says they aren’t her friends and takes it as an affront. How do I address this with Meghan? I’m not saying she has to be friends with her colleagues but I also want to respect her boundaries.

Meghan is a loon. Explain to her that part of working in an office with other people is maintaining at least minimally pleasant/civil relationships, that the phrases she’s objecting to are utterly routine social niceties, and that she needs to be polite in return. That doesn’t mean she needs to divulge anything about her personal life, but she does need to maintain reasonably pleasant relationships with people. I don’t have enough time writing this on the fly to decide for sure if I want to recommend this or not, but if I had more time I’d also be thinking about whether to suggest she seek some outside-of-work coaching on relationships if this isn’t intuitive to her.

There are going to be other problems with Meghan.

38. Too much dog time?

My boss loves to start remote meetings by putting their cat on camera. I don’t want to be a party pooper, but we have work to do! The five minutes of baby talk about how good their cat is, is starting to drive me crazy. Is there anything I can do about this?

Can you feasibly say at the start of the meeting, “I’ve got a hard stop at 2:00, so can we jump right in?”

37. Habits of a bookworm

Do you read paper books, e-books, or both?

I never expected this, but I’m 100% ebooks now.

36. Younger queer coworker keeps outing older queer me

I’m queer and 50, out to my close colleagues and absolutely everyone in my non-work life. I have a younger colleague who is also queer and I’ve noticed they keep bringing up our mutual queerness in front of coworkers who I wouldn’t have mentioned it to because they aren’t a “work friend.” What’s a good script I can use to tell my colleague that I’m not ashamed, exactly, but past experience with homophobic coworkers means I want to come out on my own terms when I do?

“Hey, I’m selective about who I’m out to at work, so please let me choose who I share that with.”

35. When the LW’s coworkers see their question

AAM is anonymous, but often if enough details are given (which is often a necessity to getting help), it might not be that hard for a coworker to identify the writer. What would you say to someone who wants help but is afraid to write in because their coworkers might see it?

Sometimes letter-writers ask me for help ensuring they’ll stay anonymous and we’ll sometimes do things like add some details that won’t change the answer but will make it sound less like them (for example, including an industry that isn’t theirs, a team size that’s clearly not theirs, a job title that isn’t theirs, etc.). It’s useful for people to tell me when they’re doing that so that I don’t inadvertently edit it out because it seems extraneous, and also in case those details might change the answer in some way (in which case I can suggest different options).

34. First question

When did you get your first question ever?

June 2007!

When I started the site, I didn’t know if I would get any questions at all, so my early posts were just me writing advice in a non-Q&A format (perhaps that’s called a rant?). But letters started coming in by month two, and that’s mostly been the format ever since.

33. Can I be excused?

Is there a polite way to excuse myself from a zoom meeting when the other person is trying to problem solve something on their own but it relates to a project I’m responsible for? I have a coworker, who I like and would like to keep up a good relationship with, but they have a quirk that drives me batty. Sometimes when we’re meeting virtually, we’ll come across a roadblock/hurdle for our joint project. My working style preference is for us to hop off the zoom, figure out what we need to do, then hop back on.

Colleague seems to prefer for us to stay on zoom as they slowly talk to themselves as they try to figure out the issue. This has gone on for over an hour before, and when I’ve said I need to get off they have seemed a bit offended. I feel like it’s not productive for me to sit there as they mumble, “Hmm maybe….(typing multiple seconds) hmmm… no (typing + long pause) mmm… maybe…” repeat.

This can go on and on and it just drives me crazy. It’s always for projects that are assigned to us both, so it’s not like I’m expecting them to do everything, I just really don’t enjoy sitting on a zoom while someone is working like that.

“It’s going to be easier for me to hop off and figure this out so I’m going to jump off and will message you once I’ve got it.”

If you’re just waiting them and don’t need to do anything yourself: “I’m swamped today so I’m going to jump off and give you some time to do this. Message me if you want to pick it back up afterwards!”

32. “Please advise”

I get irrationally annoyed when folks use the phrase “please advise” in emails to me. I don’t entirely know why I feel this way — maybe it’s because it’s a directive instead of a question? It feels too formal?

I am the only one, or are there other “please advise” haters out in the world too?

I don’t like it either! Not to the point that I’d suggest someone working for me not use it in their emails (maybe if there was a bigger issue of them coming across as overly formal/chilly emails) but I do not enjoy it. I think it’s because most people who write that don’t talk that way in person, and emails are generally more effectively written if they sound like an actual human talking.

31. I hate getting feedback

I get physically ill when getting feedback and even good feedback feels like a dagger if it isn’t perfect. It is so bad that my partner has to read emails from my boss first and then tell me it is safe to read. I apparently do my job well and get good reviews but it hurts to even get “meets expectations” or even mild constructive criticism, even when I KNOW it is something I need to work on.

Therapy. This reaction is rooted in something; it’s not happening randomly. For example: any chance you grew up in a household where you were expected to be perfect and/or even minor mistakes generated outsized/scary reactions? Or had a perfectionist parent who themselves reacted to feedback the way you are, thus wiring you to do it too?

I’m guessing the issue isn’t confined to work and is popping up in other areas of your life, but even if it isn’t, this is a terrible way to go through life and you deserve to sort it out so that you’re not living with this constant dread. A therapist can help you figure out where it came from and help you see that whatever your brain is reacting to is something other than your current circumstances (which is the first step to draining it of its power).

30. Volunteer positions on a resume

I’m currently a stay at home mom but will be re-entering the workforce soon. I was previously a teacher and will probably go back to something in the education world. I am currently the VP of the PTA and was previously President of the local chapter of a national organization for parents. Both of these positions were elected by the members in the organization. Obviously, these aren’t “work experiences,” but is there a place for them on a resume?

Yes, definitely! Put them in a Community Involvement or Volunteer section.

29. Politely dodging lunch invitations

I used to attend monthly lunches with a group of coworkers in similar roles, which were helpful for getting to know each other, sharing tips, etc. I’ve now been promoted to a different role. The organizer has shifted the lunches to a more social format and keeps including me on the invitations. When people decline the invitations, she insists on finding a time that works for all. Is it rude for me to continue to ignore or decline the calendar invitations, or is there a better way for me to opt out of these social lunches without seeing cold?

“Thanks so much for trying to find a time that would work for me! My calendar has gotten really packed and it’s tough to fit in anything optional right now. If I can start attending again at some point in the future, I’ll let you know.”

28. Commenters

Does it annoy you when commenters give the exact same advice to the letter writer that you did, without acknowledging they’re saying the same thing you said? It drives me batty and I don’t know if I should continue being annoyed on your behalf!

It doesn’t bother me! The nature of comment sections is that people give their own thoughts, usually without regard to whether something similar has already been said. And sometimes it’s just a way of saying “I agree with this” but in their own words.

Feel feel not to be annoyed on my behalf!

27. Would you rather…

Would you rather have a crappy boss and 10 great coworkers or a great boss and 10 crappy coworkers? Why?

I dispute the premise! If you truly have a great boss, you won’t have 10 crappy coworkers, by definition.

26. Shushing coworkers

This just happened 5 minutes ago and I need an attitude check. In our building, I work adjacent to the lobby and have to cross the lobby and pass the meeting room off of the lobby every time I use the restroom. Inevitably, a coworker stops to chat about work which is fine with me because otherwise I work in a windowless room by myself (completely different issue). There is a meeting happening in this space today — which I would have no way of knowing until I passed a door with a small window and I looked in and noticed people meeting.

Today, a coworker stopped me and started talking, normal inside voices, but in a lobby of tile, glass and a waterfall, apparently they could hear our voices in the meeting room and a gentlemen stepped out and “shushed” us. No words, just “shush, shush, shhhhhhhhhh” and stared at us and pointed to a sign that said a meeting was in progress. This sign was not on the door of the meeting room, but on the white wall across from it on a white piece of paper — which I admittedly did not notice. In the long run this is a non-issue, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously I’m going to let this go, but should people shush others at work?

The way he did it was rude. It’s fine to say, “We’re having trouble hearing in the meeting — could you keep your voices down?” but just a literal “shush” is rude.

25. Resumes

Do you prefer resumes with periods at the end of each statement or no periods?

Doesn’t matter, just be consistent throughout with whichever way you pick.

24. Freelance clients who don’t pay well

I’ve seen a few LinkedIn “influencers” imply that if you take a freelance gig that doesn’t pay well, it’s OK to do a half-assed job. I tend to think if you accepted the assignment, your work should be as good as it would be for higher-paying clients. You always have the option not to accept the job, after all. What do you think?

That’s terrible advice, and a good way to build a crappy reputation. The way you get better and better positioned as a freelancer (and thus usually better and better paid, and better able to pick and choose what clients and projects you take) is by doing good work and building a good reputation.

If you don’t think the money is worth the work, don’t accept the job. If you accept it, don’t half-ass it (unless you explicitly arrange that with the client ahead of time, like “for $X, I could do X and Y but not Z”).

23. Best general interview questions

I’m doing first round interviews for a position next week. Got any suggestions to freshen up those general questions we typically ask? You know, tell us about yourself, what about this position excites you, etc.

Don’t look at it as needing to freshen up your questions. Look at it as needing questions that really hone in on the specific, concrete things that will make someone successful in the role. So draw up a list of the must-have qualities and experiences and then ask questions that get people talking about times they’ve done those things/demonstrated those qualities in the past. That will tell you so much more than any generic internet list of questions.

22. Upset when work drinks cancelled

My team have a regularly-scheduled work drinks that is quite often called off last-minute because people aren’t feeling it. I really enjoy these drinks, particularly as it’s a chance to catch up with colleagues outside of those I directly work with, and them being called off always makes me feel down. Can I bring this up to my colleagues without sounding like a friendless weirdo?

Eh, I think you’ve got to let it go. If people aren’t feeling it — they’re tired, have stuff outside of work they need to deal with, or just don’t feel up to after-work socializing at the moment — you shouldn’t pressure them into doing it anyway. Instead, can you build this likelihood into your expectations from the start and just always know that the drinks event is always somewhat tentative and subject to change, so you’re not seeing as a such a concrete Will Happen when in reality it’s more of a Might Happen?

21. Salaried non-exempt

How is overtime calculated for salaried non-exempt employees?

Same way as always for non-exempt employees: for all hours over 40 that you work in a week, you must be paid time and a half.

20. Are cropped shirts always inappropriate for work?

While contemplating an outfit for an indoor/outdoor work event (usually a remote and very casual office), I thought about wearing a high-necked black crop top that I have with a pair of palazzo pants that is so high waisted the crop top is actually longer than them, with a lightweight oversized cardigan over it, but chickened out under the assumption that crop tops are never appropriate. What do you think?

Crop tops that reveal your midriff aren’t appropriate for most workplaces. But you’re saying no midriff skin shows with this outfit because of how high-waisted the pants are, so the rule doesn’t apply (as long as that’s true the whole time you’re wearing it and doesn’t change if you, for example, bend over or stretch).

19. Boredom

If I’m bored at work constantly, is it just not the job for me?

Maybe. Are you willing to trade boredom for money? Some people are. Is it important to you to build a career where you advance, do work that you’re intellectually engaged by, and/or find meaning in what you’re doing? If so, then it might not be for you. Our culture tells us that we’re supposed to find meaning and joy in our work (well, it tells a certain socioeconomic portion of us, anyway, because it definitely doesn’t tell all of us) but not everyone looks at work that way and you’re not required to. All of which is to say, you’ve got to look internally on this one.

18. Coworker retiring after tragedy

I have a coworker who recently announced their upcoming retirement. Normally I’d congratulate them and generally treat this as something to celebrate, but this coworker recently experienced a personal tragedy and it seems likely that this event at least partially prompted their decision to retire. The office is having a retirement party for this coworker soon — what tone should I take when both “congratulations” and “my condolences” feel inappropriate?

I think neither of those. Just: “It’s been great working with you, and I’m going to miss you.”

17. Cats!

Can we get an update on (and preferably photos of) your resident kitties?

A surprisingly high number of cat-related questions have been submitted, so I think I’ll need to do a cat info post soon. The last time I included it in a list of other questions it drowned out everything else. (Entirely reasonably.)

16. Field-specific conferences

I’ve shifted from academia to business and find myself perplexed by the purpose of field-specific business conferences. I can’t tell what they’re for! What are you supposed to do at, say, the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference?

Lots of it is networking. LOTS. But you’ll also normally find sessions on things like relevant to the field — so the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference might have sessions on recent developments in spout technology, the legislative landscape for teapot makers, how new regulations in Vermont are playing out on the ground, attracting non-traditional candidates to the field, building a social media program for your teapots, and so forth.

15. QTMFJA

Another advice columnist I read occasionally has an acronym for when he wants to make it clear to a letter writer that they have stayed in a relationship for too long in the face of unreasonable behavior and need to dump their partner.

What would your acronym be? Something along the lines of: TTBYR (Time To Brush Up Your Resume), TJINRFY (This Job Is No Longer Right For You), DTEES (Deploy The Emergency Exit Slide), SYJH (Start Your Job Hunt)?

YBSAIGTC

Your boss sucks and isn’t going to change.

It’s not very catchy.

14. Being glutened at work

I have a severe intolerance to gluten — think similar reaction that celiac people have. At work I avoid pretty much everything that I haven’t brought in myself due to “hidden gluten” or fear of cross contamination. I have very pushy coworkers who won’t accept a “no” for an answer. What’s a more polite way to say “I know you said you read all the labels, but if you made a mistake I will be pooping blood in an hour, and I can’t risk that”?

“Thank you, but I’m under strict orders from my doctor not to make exceptions.”
“Thank you, but no.”
“It’s a medical restriction and it’s not flexible.”

If someone keeps pushing after one of those, they’re being rude — but you don’t need to convince them or even engage at all. Change the subject, find a reason you need to leave the room, etc.

13. Paid leave

A former employer offered paid days off for jury duty. A condition to receive the paid time off was that we had to pay them the money the court gave us for serving on a jury.

It’s a pretty common policy. The idea is that you’re not supposed to profit off of jury duty.

12. Apologizing vs. thanking

I had a mentor advise that, if I’m responding later than anticipated, I should use “thank you for your patience” rather that “sorry for the delay.” Do you have any thoughts or feelings on the distinction?

A lot of people recommend this. I don’t always love it! It makes sense in situations where you really don’t need to apologize (and it can be a particularly useful switch for people who over-apologize), but I’d be mildly annoyed if someone made me wait for them (not for an email, but for a call or in-person appointment) and then said “thank you for your patience” rather than just apologizing — I’d prefer they take responsibility for the delay.

11. Is naming a baby Donald a political statement?

Donald was the name of a beloved and favorite uncle of mine. He died before 2016. If I had kids, I always wanted to name one of my children after him. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m wondering if my coworkers will think negatively of me for naming my baby Donald. Is the name tainted? Or I am just overthinking things? (My last name is not Trump.)

Donald is not a tainted name (so far, anyway). It’s not like naming your baby Adolph. Go ahead and use it. LET’S ALL RECLAIM DONALD.

10. Book recommendations

If you read quite often, and I think you do, do you just recommend the book that you finished reading that week in your weekly book recommendations? Have you ever not finished reading a book because you just couldn’t get through it?

I give up on books ALL THE TIME. I won’t stick with a book if I’m not liking it (and I’m currently in a slump where I’m not finishing a ton of books I start) and I won’t recommend it here if I didn’t like it. A lot of my book recommendations here are things I read recently, but I also have a long list of previous stuff that I liked but haven’t recommended here yet that I can always pull from if needed. (In fact, a couple of weeks ago I recommended Fleishman Is In Trouble and my husband saw it and was like, “Oh are you in a reading slump?” because he knows it’s been a couple of years since I read it and I felt very known in that moment.)

9. One piece of advice for new managers

You have a lot of great advice on your blog for new managers, but if you were to have to pick ONE top tip for new managers, what would it be?

Say what’s in your head. This applies to everything from laying out expectations for what a particular piece of work should look like and how someone should approach it to addressing problems. If you have thoughts that are going to affect how successful you think someone is in their role, they need to hear those thoughts, explicitly, from you. Don’t expect people to read your mind.

8. Things to know before you start

What would be good things to ask before your first day of work, and when should I ask? The number of times I’ve been awkwardly waiting at the front door of the business until someone let me in isn’t a lot, but enough to be embarrassing.

Ask about dress code (if it wasn’t already quite clear from your interview) and what time you should arrive. Nothing beyond that is universally essential, although if you want to you can also ask if you there’s anything in particular you should prepare ahead of time. (There shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t be asked to do work before you start. But saying that will sometimes elicit useful info about had to expect on your first day.)

7. Surprise Me button

Your Surprise Me button is probably my favorite thing on the Internet but I’m always sad when I want to comment on an oldie because you close the comments so quickly after a new column goes up. Why is that? I comment occasionally on current posts during the window but I often find old posts I’d love to ask for an update on!

A few reasons: Moderation takes time and energy and there’s a much lower return on investment after the first couple of days a post is up (since the conversation has mostly moved on after that point— and for some reason late-arriving comments are much more likely to be odd or off-topic). Also, older posts attract more spam.

6. Etiquette around gifted baked goods

Not exactly high-stakes, but what is the etiquette around receiving baked goods? When I was first starting out in my career, I had an acquaintance from another department bake me a birthday cake. Less than half of it was eaten by the end of the day and I didn’t know what else to do with it, so I decided to take it home (we didn’t have access to tupperware and I didn’t want it to attract critters). The baker caught me walking out with it and did NOT like that I was taking it home. It seemed like she didn’t want me to take her plate home and heavily implied that I was robbing others from being able to enjoy the cake. I ended up still bring it home, but did I commit some major faux pas?

No! Typically if someone brings food in for you, you get the leftovers unless other arrangements are explicitly requested. You presumably weren’t intending to steal her plate and were using it for necessary transport, then would have washed it and returned it. This is normal. Your coworker was being weird.

5. Badgers in the office

If there’s a family of badgers living in a supply closet in our office and the company refuses to do anything about it since they insist it’s the exterminator’s job and the exterminator says they don’t handle badgers, what should we as employees do? We are scared of the badgers.

This is super out of my wheelhouse, but can someone call a wildlife relocator instead? Why are we exterminating these badgers rather than moving them to a more suitable habitat?

4. Gossip or fair game?

If another coworker leaves something in the copier/printer that indicates they will be leaving your employer (think copy of a driver’s license or passport) that you discover by accident, is that knowledge gossip or privileged? Or is it fair game to share with other colleagues?

It’s not fair game to share. If it was meant to be private, treat it as private. (But also, I wouldn’t assume copying a license or passport indicates they’re applying for a job, particularly since those documents generally need to be examined in person anyway.)

3. Weird offboarding experience

I’m leaving my job at a startup (~30 people) this Friday and they have just been so strange with the offboarding. It started with no acknowledgement from leadership when I handed my notice in 2 months ago (they work with me almost daily – never brought it up and only mentioned re-hiring in a wider team meeting once).

Now I’m two days away and there’s been no company announcement beyond my small, immediate team, no exit interviews scheduled, no arranging to collect my devices, no equity info. This doesn’t read petty to me fyi, just lazy.

I don’t want to have to remind a (very experienced) HR person to have to do their job but I’m also pretty angry at this all and not quite sure what to do. Beyond the equity buyout which I will be following up on for obvious reasons, I feel quite conflicted about how much I should act here and how much I should just ride this out and run as far away as possible.

Figure out which stuff will be more of a hassle for you if it doesn’t get addressed before you leave (probably just equity info and device return) and address that stuff yourself. If they don’t want to do the rest of the normal departure things, so be it. (For what it’s worth, it’s not necessarily that weird that they’re not doing an exit interview — not everywhere does — but they’re definitely being weird about not telling people, not talking to you about transition items, etc.)

2. Who pays?

When doing networking coffee dates, I know it’s typical that the person asking is the person who pays. How does it work if I’m asking a more senior person (such as a person who isn’t my direct supervisor but on that same level and in a supervisory role over others in my role) — do I pay since I’m the person asking to learn more from her? Or would it be weird if I paid since she is more senior in my company?

If you did the inviting, you should plan to pay. The more senior person is likely to offer to pay and if they do you can let them — but go in assuming you’re paying as the invitation-issuer.

1. Debt relief versus a bad job

I’m in a job-based student loan repayment program. If I stick it out, the equivalent of half my loans will be paid off, which is huge for me. Problem is my job sucks. The culture is cliquey and toxic, the boss is volatile and codependent, and the work is unfulfilling. I have less than two years I have to stay, and leaving early would mean paying back the program. But it’s hard to put up with this place and feel myself die a little bit each day.

New to the workplace, is this an adulting thing you just put up with?

Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you, but half your loans paid off and less than two years to go? I’d stick it out unless it’s unsafe, you’re being harassed, or something else truly intolerable. (That said, if you could move to another job that would still qualify you for the repayment program, look into that!)