weekend open thread – January 11-12, 2025

by Alison Green on January 10, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Long Bright River, by Liz Moore. It’s SO GOOD! It’s the story of two sisters, close as children but estranged as adults. When one becomes a police officer while the other struggles with addiction. When the younger sister goes missing, the other tries to find her. I thought this would be a gritty police procedural, which isn’t normally my thing, but it’s a beautifully layered literary exploration of family bonds and addiction that will get you right in the gut. The best book I’ve read in months. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      The flying spaghetti monster is a real thing, the name given to a bathyphysa conifera. A carnivorous colonial creature that hangs out at great depth. (In a colonial organism a whole bunch of zooids are like “Hey, how about if we all hang out together and act like different parts of the same animal? Like Bob can be a tentacle.”)

    2. theinone*

      I’m in a very small organic chemistry lab this term (8 people per lab session, I think 48 students overall in the class) and I am inordinately happy to have my own drawer of glassware in the lab for the term. It’s MY glassware, it has MY name on the drawer, nobody else can contaminate it by not washing it properly!

      I also turned 20 today, so that’s exciting. I never have to be a teenager again!

    3. chocolate muffins*

      I had a lovely lunch with a friend, which was its own joy, but also I showed up early and was exploring the area a bit and discovered a new-to-me cupcake shop. Yum! They were very patient with me while I figured out a somewhat reasonable number of things to buy (unfortunately I decided against buying everything in the store, which was my first impulse) and I am excited to try all of these treats.

    5. Aphrodite*

      A half-hour ago I donated $100 to the Pasadena Humane Society for the 400+ cats, dogs, bunnies they are selflessly treating. It has made me feel so good after yesterday being one of the worst days of my entire life. Now I have done good. I love it.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        On behalf of Australia, I’m pouring you and everyone else impacted by the LA fires a very large virtual drink of your choice – “most bushfire-prone landscape” isn’t a club anyone wants to join…

      3. tenor eleven*

        I’m sorry you had an awful day yesterday. I love that your response to it is helping animals.

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        So sorry you had an awful day — I hope things keep getting better!

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m finally getting over this damn cold that I managed to catch for the new year. I also got my hair cut after over two months and no longer look like I’m auditioning for the tomboy girl who wants to join the softball team in a seventies kid’s movie.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      On Globle, I always start by guessing Mali. Approximately twice a year I get the thrill of getting the correct country on the first guess, which I experience all out of proportion to any skill involved: I completed the pattern with maximum efficiency, and that hits some sort of feedback loop.

      Today was one of those days.

      1. KateM*

        In Flagle, I always start by guessing Greece because then the direction gives me a hint to which continent to continue. Why do you always start by guessing Mali? I hadn’t known about Globle but I will check it out now!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I start with Mali for two reasons: When the globe first appears it’s roughly centered on Mali, and I have been to Mali so it’s got lots of positive association for me.

          My least favorite countries in this context are tiny dots in the Pacific.

          1. KateM*

            I don’t know if I played a wrong Globle but I didn’t get a globe at all, only directions and distances. :(

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Mine is globle-game dot com, and it doesn’t have direction.

              I guess Mali, and the globe spins to Mali, highlights it, and turns it a shade between white (way off) and dark red (adjacent), and it gives me a distance. I then guess a country I think is roughly that distance away, and it highlights that country and gives the distance to the target from my closest guess so far.

          2. KateM*

            Yeah, when I play Worldle, either those tiny dots in Pacific are not really recognizable, or they actually show only one island of the many and so then go figure what it is.

            But I have learnt a lot fascinating stuff thanks to those games, especially about the tiny dots in Pacific! Still can’t imagine what it would be like to live on a tiny dot in Pacific where the widest spot of island is under a kilometre and the highest spot is about two meters from ocean level.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          And even though it’s more impressive to get the Wordle in 3, with my first guesses giving me some limited information which I then work off of, it does not feed into that dopamine reward nearly as hard as getting it in one. (I start with “water.”)

    8. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Got back into my end-of-the-work week routine of going to the pool tonight. We still have our Christmas tree up, so I followed up my swim with reading while drinking my favourite gluten-free beer with all the twinkly lights and that wonderful balsam fir smell!

    9. Jenesis*

      I discord voicecalled with an old friend and we rewatched Gladiator together (and made my husband sit through it as well) in preparation to see Gladiator II before it leaves theaters.

      I then went wikidiving and found some hilarious facts about the background of the production. Did you know that queer giraffes are actually a thing?

    10. velveteen rabbit*

      1. I successfully beat back a cold before it really got a foothold by taking to my bed like a Regency heroine for a full day. Alas that I was not able to do it at the seaside, but one cannot have everything.

      2. After completely forgetting about it for 2+ years I dug out the San Francisco Giants fleece and made a very warm and snuggly throw blanket for a dear friend’s birthday. It was my first time making anything in a very long time and it turned out so well!

      3. Lemon curd exists and when made with Kerrygold butter it’s extra luscious.

    11. CTT*

      It snowed the exact right amount! I’m in the southeast US and snow either (1) is gone after six hours or (2) disastrous. We got an amount that (fingers crossed) looked pretty and was great for snowmen today and will stop being a problem by Sunday.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Also in the southeast US, and yes! This snow has been just the right amount of “take a snow break” without “wreak havoc on your life for a week.” It started very early yesterday morning just as I was coming back from walking the dog and I got to stare at the entire thing as it got underway.

      3. Dog momma*

        CTT, what state? I’m in SC, originally from WNY, and we got a dusting. then the ice storm. Pretty, but I went through the ice storm in Rochester NY in 93. So very uneasy til it was over. Plus we are all still cleaning up from Helene & there are still trees that are leading heavily that haven’t fallen over yet.
        Will be getting our live oak moderately trimmed, so branches away from the fence, and a downed tree+ another stump taken out of the back of our lot. apparently this is a 10 year thing ( for those of you who don’t live here), & we’ll be too old to care or not around for the next one.

    12. RagingADHD*

      We got several inches of snow this morning, which is pretty unusual here. My daughter made a snowman and dressed him up in a hat, scarf, buttons, the works.

      His name is Samuel.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      After a month and a half with a broken heater, my landlord got the back-ordered new one installed. While winter temperatures in the SF Bay Area aren’t subfreezing, it’s in the 40s at night and when it was cloudy or rainy my apartment never fully warmed up. No more sitting next to my space heater while the indoor temperature was in the 50s.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yay! Yeah, the Bay Area can be so chilly, especially since the buildings there are sometimes not that well insulated. One of my buddies there quoted someone saying that the coldest winter they ever spent was a summer in California.

        2. FanciestCat*

          That quote is attributed to Mark Twain I believe: “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco” I used live on the coast there and there is something about the damp combined with cold that makes it so difficult to warm up. I called it bone cold when I lived there because it felt like the cold got into your bones. Dry cold is a lot easier to deal with.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Yeah, that cold damp is the worst! I lived in the East Bay for a bit, where it wasn’t that bad, but going into the city was often a chilly business.

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      Today it was realizing, at the end of the day around 8pm when I was sitting on the sofa feeling out of juice, that it’s Friday and not Thursday. Apparently I’d been feeling very Thursday-ish even though I’d done several Friday things.

      A long walk in the nearby wooded park a couple of days ago. So many shades and shapes and textures of green!

      Listening to Robin Wall Kimmerer read her essay about serviceberries from Emergence Magazine’s podcast, the piece that led to the book she later wrote.

    15. o_gal*

      Snow! Snow! Lots and lots of snow! We got slightly over 9 inches and it is so pretty out there. Then last night we got another 3! Woo hoo! More than enough to go cross country skiing later this morning (going to turn a foot orienteering white course into a ski-o white course). We haven’t had a decent enough amount to go skiing for years. Then tomorrow we’ll have breakfast at a historic grist mill that is next to a gorge. We like to do the breakfast and then hike through the gorge whenever there is snow on the ground.

    16. The Prettiest Curse*

      No snow in my bit of the UK, but lots of frost. The pond in our local park was frozen this morning, too. Everything looks so much prettier with the frost!

    17. BellStell*

      Setting boundaries for a few things and today motivating for doing my recycling and getting there and back without slipping on the ice.

    18. Nona Selah*

      My husband and daughter gave me the Lego Botanical Garden kit for Christmas, and I finally started it last weekend. It’s been a while since I had a big Lego project and I’m getting such a kick out of it. This build has a little cafe in it, so I just put together a small espresso bar in Lego and it’s the cutest!
      Also – my birthday is Monday, so tonight they are taking me out to dinner to celebrate, which includes a visit to a bookshop we all love and don’t often get to visit. Squeee!

      1. Autumnleaf*

        You might enjoy adding lights to your lego from gameofbricks dot eu
        There is a set for the botanical garden. Mentioning the option because I was so thrilled someone once told me about this store.

    20. Tea & Sympathy*

      Covid hit my family hard, and we’re still dealing with the effects of it. So I haven’t felt any true little sparks of joy since before the pandemic. But last week I was in the grocery store and a song that I liked from my university days came on. I started singing along under my breath and realized that I was feeling happy. My big joy this week was to find that I’m can feel little episodes of joy again.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s lovely that you’re getting some of your groove back!

    21. bay scamp*

      Went to a cumbia residency in a really small town that’s nearby, had a lot of fun even though my significant other didn’t want to dance.

    22. Mitchell Hundred*

      Went to a local indie pro wrestling show yesterday evening. It was great fun. I was unfortunately seated near some guys who thought they were funny but definitely weren’t, but that’s just an occupational hazard at those things.

    23. I take tea*

      A hike in a particularly beautiful part of the woods in perfect winter weather. I notice that most of my real deep joys have to do with being out in the nature, preferably wild nature. I’m thankful that my health permits it.

    24. Reluctant Mezzo*

      My ankle is better after having turned it badly two weeks before Christmas. A friend of mine had the same problem, so he’s going to send me a printout of his ankle exercises (it’s always the left ankle, she whines).

    25. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I rode a bike for the first time in 20 years. I only fell once, but I got back on and kept going, and the bruise confers bragging rights without a lot of pain.

    26. More Than a Typist*

      We had our company holiday party this weekend. We have a new coworker and I was seated by him and his wife, and we had such a deep conversation that I thought, “Did we just become best friends???!” Was a great night overall…a cozy atmosphere with amazing food by a local chef.

  3. Employee of the Bearimy*

    I’ve come up empty everywhere else, so I might as well ask here: Where can I buy men’s sweatpants/joggers with an extra long inseam? My oldest kid has a 33″-34″ inseam and most sweatpants seem to top out around 31″ and I have no idea why. And he’s a men’s M so “big and tall” cuts don’t really work. Thanks!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      REI women’s, which is where we got them for my tall thin husband. Women’s legs tend to be longer than mens, apparently.

    2. literary mathematician*

      Lululemon has a variety of inseams… for men, anywhere from 27-37, although options are limited on the higher end. My 6’4″ husband (tall but not super big) has been happy with the options.

    3. beetlecat*

      American Tall! This 6’ gal finally found pants with 35” (and even 37”!) inseams. They also have men’s clothing on the site too but I can’t speak to exact inseam lengths there.

        1. Ulla*

          I third the vote for American Tall! I’m 6’3″ with a 34-inch inseam and wearing a pair of their joggers now. They cover my ankles!

      2. small town*

        American Tall is great! My husband has a 36″ inseam, children are 34″, not big around the middle. Works very well.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Amazon has a bunch of hits for “extra long mens sweatpants.” I see a medium with choices of inseam from 30″ to 40″ in 2″ increments.

  4. Tradd*

    The California fires are a good reminder to have your important documents, photos, etc., backed up. Some people do physical copies spread out multiple places. I’m a digital gal. I use iCloud (Apple), Google Photos/Drive, and OneDrive (MS). I know some folks who don’t even backup the photos on their smartphone. When phone breaks, they’re in a bad way. So many people have a MS Office 365 subscription at home. You get 1TB (that’s a lot!) of storage space with the 365 subscription. The OneDrive app can easily back up your phones/documents on your phone, as well as on computer. The MS OneDrive/OneNotes for iOS are really nice. Redundancy is good, whatever your methods? How do you backup what’s important to you?

    1. Aphrodite*

      Paper, iCloud and two external hard drives for my Mac laptop. I don’t take photos with my basic phone so I have nothing on it that isn’t easily replaceable.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      In a related topic–have at least some hard cash on hand for immediate needs. ATMs and the like often are not accessible during a disaster.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I keep cash hidden in my car and routinely have a third of a tank of gas for a quick getaway.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          In snow season, I don’t let the tank go below half. I remember friends being stranded during a regional power outage 10-15 years ago. The gas pumps couldn’t work without power. I’m sure some stations have backup generators, but find them in an unfamiliar area? And they would likely have lines not seen since the oil embargo.

          Most of my important documents are in a safe deposit box. Criteria: how difficult to replace, how often needed, how urgent when they are needed. For example, the title to the car would be a pain to replace, and when I decide to trade the car, a day or two of advance planning won’t be a problem; that’s in the box. When someone dies, it’s almost impossible to get into their safe deposit box without the will to establish executor-ship (BTDT), so that does NOT go in the box.

        2. Tradd*

          I don’t let my car get below 1/2. I’m in the US, thousands of miles from any coast. I live in an area where winter/summer storms that take out the power are the greatest danger. No earthquakes and it would take a lot for a fire to get going. Actually, keeping car at 3/4 is my favorite comfort level.

          1. CubeFarmer*

            I don’t own a car anymore (NYer for the past 18 years…) but when I did, I also followed this rule. I think at some point it was bad to let your car get below a certain level because of…reasons, but those reasons are no longer relevant.

            A couple of years ago I temporarily left NYC and lived in a place where I needed a car. During that time, I kept to the half-tank rule. Hey, I didn’t want to be in a spot where I needed to drive a long distance by needed to find a gas station first.

          2. Dog momma*

            I’m from WNY, so snow country. Now in the south, kinda rural but not too bad. About 10 miles from town. . Still don’t go below half a tank. After Helene, we had no gas or the lines were very long & you had to drive a long way to find some, so wasted what you have.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have two back-up systems in the cloud for my PC and another for my phone. I live alone so I also have a paper document with every imaginable bit of info–bank accounts, social security number, employer, family contacts, computer password, location of extra key, etc. I update it a couple times a year and give it to my friend in a nearby town in case there’s a fire or earthquake so it’s not destroyed.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      The classic rule for backups is 3-2-1. At least three copies of your data, in two different formats, at least one offsite (ideally geographically remote). That way if one of the backups fails, you’ve got a second option. The offsite means that in the case of a widespread natural disaster, or even something like a house fire or robbery, you don’t lose all your backups at once.

      1. CubeFarmer*

        This was my rule during grad school. I saved everything on my computer, then on a flash drive, then in a DropBox account. I had to be disciplined to do this, but I also didn’t want to lose work because of a computer mishap.

        I’m back at work now, and I’m not nearly as diligent. LOL!

    5. Pam Adams*

      My sister and I got the evacuation message in error yesterday. Even though we were 99% sure it wasn’t for us, it was a push to make sure of all the physical things we would need to grab. (example- put all our extra insulin in one refrigerator bag to make it fast to take) We will spend this weekend working on the documents.

    6. Tradd*

      From articles I’ve read the past couple of days: an elderly woman kept most of her savings in crypto. The recovery key or whatever you call it was written on a piece of paper. That burned in the fire and she has NO access to her savings.

      Another woman thought paying in cash helped her budget so she kept $17K in cash at home. She was already living paycheck to paycheck. She didn’t take the cash when evacuating as she was worried about theft. Her home burned and with it the cash.

      What someone else told me: a friend lived in canyon on a dead end road a few years ago. He got a pre evacuation order and was loading up stuff to leave. Deputy came by and told him to leave NOW. Fire had changed direction quickly. He and his neighbors only got out with the clothes on their backs and the few things they were able to grab.

    7. Zippity Doodah*

      Dropbox, plus once a year set it to sync to an external hard drive that goes in the fire safe. I might lose the account or the drive, but not both at once.

    8. old curmudgeon*

      I keep all my data backed up on an external hard drive because I have exactly zero trust in “the cloud” as a safe place to store private information. All my photos are on both my laptop and the external drive, both of them password-protected, and critical data is also kept in hardcopy form in either a fireproof safe or my safety deposit box. I don’t have (or want) a cell phone, so nothing to worry about there.

  5. chocolate muffins*

    What is a life lesson that you learned in 2024? How, if at all, are you wanting/hoping for that lesson to shape your upcoming year? I need to think more about my own answer to this question and would love to hear from all of you in the meantime!

    1. WellRed*

      I’ve learned to care less, particularly about these I can’t control, like certain work stuff but it applies in real life too. By caring less ( not about big things like the environment or society or whatever) I don’t ruminate or feel slights where none us intended.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Broad/societal: I can choose where I direct my attention. There is a lot of good around me, beauty, hope, people trying to improve one little local corner that is within their ability to affect: what if my view of the world was shaped by focusing on those things?

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Personal: I need to get better at stepping back and looking at the big picture. Like if I’m having trouble doing X, is X a thing I even want to be doing?

    4. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I know it’s sort of cliche to say ‘to be kinder/ gentler with myself’ but I think 2024 was the year I finally started being able to do that, especially for a more extended period. I’ve been better able to accept that I can’t always do it all and it’s not a failure to sometimes take the easier path.

    5. EA*

      Being busy with fulfilling activities makes me more productive at work and a better parent. A big thing for me was realizing that not all “me time” is equal; while scrolling for hours might give me a break, it is way less helpful for my overall wellbeing that making time to do the exercise-related hobby that I’m passionate about. Prioritize and fight for those hobbies even if they seem expendable with so many other priorities.

      1. :)*

        This! I’ve finally been learning/taking to heart this year how important it is for me to do my hobbies; reframing them as specifically necessary for the maintenance of my energy levels was revolutionary for me. Lately, when I’m exhausted and have tasks to do, instead of scrolling to “take a break” in order to muster up energy, I try to do something like read a book I’m excited about or crochet. It’s more “active” than the scrolling, but it is also more engaging in a good way that gives me more energy for what comes next. (Therapy has been really good for me haha)

    7. LemonDrops*

      I finally admitted that my elderly troubled parents are not the parents of my youth, nor are they the parents I want them to be now. I’m learning to let go of what I want them to be and I’m trying to find something good in them now so I can spend quality time with them and have less regret when they are gone.

      1. tenor eleven*

        I’m sorry LemonDrops. They’re lucky to have you as their kid, whether they realize it or not.

      3. Busy Middle Manager*

        I feel your pain. My mother is on the decline and she’s doing the bare minimum to get better, but doesn’t seem to care. She keeps talking about relatives who’ve passed and ignores her many (living) friends. I don’t think she’s old enough to be like this yet, which is why it’s been a struggle and fodder for arguments

    8. Jackalope*

      I’ve always had a good close group of friends, and during COVID a lot of my core friends came together as a pod and grew even closer. We had a lot of garbage we went through together (beyond COVID), and it’s been so good to have that close community. But I’m slowly remembering that I have other people I love, and that under non-pandemic circumstances it’s healthy to have a wider community. For example I can have friends that are activity friends or hang out every 6 weeks friends or what have you; not everyone has to be the closest of people anymore. Tonight in one of my recent attempts to work on this, I had dinner with some people from my church. I knew one of them reasonably well, a few of them enough to chat with for 5 min on Sundays, and a few of them not at all. It was good to spend time with a new group of people, and while I don’t know if any of these relationships will lead any further than maybe a 10 min chat on Sundays instead, it was a good experience. More of that in my life!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ha, I have this too, but I notice that my “pod” is a little jealous of “outsiders” and tries to create a little friction when I hang out with other people. This is how I know it’s probably tipped over a bit into an unhealthy dynamic. Like you said, it started in Covid so it makes sense it’s not necessarily a healthy thing.

    9. BellStell*

      This is a hard question. I took time for myself more often and got a really good therapist to help me avoid burnout. I made it a priority to call friends and family more as this helped me feel better. Walking is good for me too and helps stave off the bad habit of scrolling.

    10. Don’t make me come over there*

      It’s something I’ve been learning for a few years, but really hit home in 2024: actively nurture your friendships. I’m a 50-some thing single person, so maybe it’s more imperative for me than for partnered folks, but I have taken to setting up regular schedules with certain people (bi-weekly Zoom calls, monthly lunches, consistently showing up to weekly group activities). I lost a friend to a sudden heart attack this winter, and I’m so grateful for the dinners and museum visits and meteor shower meet ups we had. And when I had a health crisis alone at home, it was a friend from my dance group who met me at the hospital and stayed with me until I was stabilized. Pure gold.

    11. Busy Middle Manager*

      It hasn’t been a pretty year! I’ve unfortunately learned through trial and error, and losing opportunities and money, that I need to ignore outside help and the media/youtubers when it comes to my side gig. Counterintuitive, isn’t it?

      While I like the idea of seeking outside help and hearing peoples’ experience, too much conflicting experience and subliminal negative messages (such as the assumption that most businesses fail, or the assumption that you will definitely struggle) were side tracking me more than they help. Also the industry information people provide is random at best, ignoring real trends while fear mongering about things that barely are happening.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      To not jump in and fix things that aren’t my problem to fix. And, to not let anyone else tee me up to jump in and fix issues that aren’t mine.
      “Not my circus not my monkeys” is my mantra for 2025.

    13. Samwise*

      No one will take care of me but me.

      I’m trying to take better care of my health. Because otherwise I’m screwed.

    14. small town*

      That grief comes in waves. Some days it is pretty stable. Other very small things (cards at Target) make me want to curl up in a ball. My family member had a very long run but was such a daily part of my world that I can’t…
      I still talk to them.

    15. Bereavement Bear*

      If you want your car to go to someone when you pass away, and you’re still making payments on it, make sure this was taken into account when getting your car loan. Otherwise the person will not get your car when you pass away. The next time I get a car I am making sure that this is arranged for my spouse because I don’t want to put them in a bad position should this happen.

      1. Bereavement Bear*

        I should have said “will not be able to take over your car payments,” not “will not get your car.” Whether they get your car or not depends on various things, but the other person definitely will not be able to take over your car payments if they are not “on” the loan. Sorry!

    16. Rainy*

      Loyalty cuts both ways, and giving it to a person or institution you aren’t getting it back from just means you are being exploited. In 2025 I plan to invest appropriate amounts of energy and time in people and institutions based primarily on how I feel about them and whether I am getting something back from that investment. I feel like this is a lesson I’ve learned a few times over the course of my life, which is disappointing, but I do get a bit quicker every time, so there’s that.

      1. JobHunter*

        Everything Rainy wrote, and add: to continue to advocate for myself in a timely fashion. I knew I should have said something to the people who had the power to help me, but thought ‘This problem can’t be happening again. I will choose my battles and wait this person out.’

  6. Nicosloanicota*

    Question for those who were single for a significant period of time as an adult, and later entered a long-term committed relationship: how do you feel now about that single time, when you look back? Maybe if you had to use a word to describe how you feel about it, what would word would you pick and why?

    1. Nicosloanicota*

      Context: I am someone who has mostly been single, trying to think about getting back out there, but change is hard and I’ve been comfortable the way things are, and worry I’ve gotten too set in my ways.

      1. Pickles*

        I’ve been living with my husband for 20 years and have two teens. I was mostly single until I was 30 and lived alone for several years. I miss it so much. I think about how peaceful my life was and my alone time everyday. I’m sure I will look back fondly on these busy times later. But I really miss my tidy, easy life.

        1. Nicosloanicota*

          Uh oh haha *closes dating app.*

          … Well, I do think from talking to others that it’s probably children that take you to that 100-percent-tapped-out-place, moreso than a committed relationship … I know a lot of people that still managed an equitable household with equal leisure time until kids, at which point sometimes nobody got any leisure even if everybody was doing their best. I am past child bearing age at this point (thank God, given what’s going on in politics) so it will be single -> couple but probably not single -> mom. … Right?

      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        When I was unmarried, but getting into and out of relationships in my 20s and early 30s, I noticed a pattern. When I was first single, I missed being part of a couple and didn’t really enjoy being single. Then I would get to the point where I loved being single and couldn’t imagine wanting to be in a relationship. Then I would meet someone and love being together and couldn’t imagine wanting to be single again. Repeat.

        I think it’s just processing the transition phases. Dating doesn’t have to be forever. You could go on 1 date a night or week or month or year. Or you could stay single forever. If you’re happy there, that’s not a negative. Why does it cause you to worry?

    2. Begonia*

      I can’t pick one word. In some ways it was easier- I was responsible for fewer people, I could have lots of post-work activities. I lived a busy active life. I’m living a much less busy active life, logistics are more complicated (etc etc), but it’s also nice to have company, conversation etc. I try to grow where I’m planted, I guess.

    3. HannahS*

      Interesting question. I was single for about nine years before I started dating my husband. My word would “bittersweet.”

      I remember my single years pretty vividly–I’ve only been not-single for about six years. I was at times occupied with other things (work/education, health problems) and at times actively trying to find a partner and disappointed by the dating world. Throughout that when period, I was alone a lot. Not always lonely! But alone a lot.

      At one point, I remember having a firm conversation with myself about the need to grow as a person and enjoy myself and my life as a single person, knowing that it probably wouldn’t last forever, and that one day I would miss the positive things about being single. I’m glad I did, and my bittersweet feelings come from missing the freedom of owning my own time and energy and being the only person in my space. Though to be clear, I am happy with my choice to marry and have a child. But man, those weekends of doing what I wanted…

    4. RagingADHD*

      Productive.

      I didn’t always feel good about being single, but it was the result of a series of choices I knew were right for me at the time, and it turned out to be absolutely necessary for becoming the person I needed to be.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Wow, this is great, I think this is exactly the kind of energy I need to take into trying to date again. Thank you!

    5. SemiAnon*

      I look back on it fondly. I moved around for work, had interesting jobs, and an active social life. I’m happy with my married life, though, and don’t regret no longer being single. I do regret that by the time I met someone, got married, and tried to have kids it was too late. It was worth waiting for a right person, though.

      My husband and I both occasionally travel for work, so we each sometimes get a week of what we call bachelor life, which mostly involves idiosyncratic cooking. And when I was single, I lived with roommates, so going to living with a partner was a step up in comfort, and I wasn’t used to being able to control my entire space.

      If I had gotten married earlier, I certainly wouldn’t have ended up where I am now, as that involved career decisions and moves that would be hard to do with a family in tow, particularly a husband.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Real question why do you think single people have a more active social life (as I do, which I worry about losing)? Is it just too difficult to go out for the night once you have a significant other, or is it just that much more awesome to sit at home all the time? Or, is it just because people are younger typically when they’re single and later would “settle down” whether partnered or not?

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          I enjoy spending time with my partner; she fills my social cup most of the way. If I had a partner who didn’t do that, or if I didn’t have a partner, I would need other people to fill that much more of my cup.

          In my opinion, a partner who makes it “difficult” to go out for the night is likely a problematic partner. But that’s different from a low expenditure of effort to get your cup filled at home vs. a higher expenditure going out, and also different from people learning about what they enjoy and filling more of their lives with that (rather than doing what they’re invited to) and/or giving more attention to maintaining their health and day-to-day wellbeing, which may involve fewer late night/alcohol involved activities, as they age. So maybe both/all, but it depends on the person and qualities of their relationship.

          1. Pocket Mouse*

            Also noting that you can have an active social life *with* a partner—and the activities that aren’t with friends aren’t necessarily at home!

            1. Jenesis*

              I have both a more active and a more restricted social life thanks to my partner. It’s more active in the sense that I’m going out and meeting people through him who I would never have the opportunity to hang out with on my own, but it’s also more restricted in the sense that sometimes he brings me along to things with people I would never have chosen to hang out with on my own, and the emotional/logistical labor in coming up with an excuse to not go is greater than just going and hoping I’ll have an okay time there.

              1. Nicosloanicota*

                This is good to hear, I like being out and social and would be sorry to lose that element of my life, maybe even if it’s for a “good reason” like being happy enough at home with a partner.

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  My husband has a fairly active social life, both in the leaving-the-house sense and the online-community sense, and he does most of that without me, because I am the introvertiest introvert and also don’t like most of his friends. Hah. (Some of that is them. A lot of it is me. I intentionally keep my social circle very small because people stress me out.)

                  We were actually friends and then housemates before we started dating (in our early 30s) – he crashed on my and my other roommate’s couch for a while and just never left – so we’ve never actually been in a relationship while we weren’t living together. But that also meant that a lot of aspects of our relationship, including our willingness to do stuff without each other (his day-to-day social life, my solo vacationing, etc), didn’t really change a whole lot from friends to housemates to dating to married. (In fact, he still has his own bedroom, though that’s because we’ve discovered that there’s about a thousand and twelve ways that our physical and mental sleeping needs are incompatible.)

                2. Jackalope*

                  My situation was significantly impacted by the fact that we got married less than a year before COVID lockdowns, and so my activities were seriously curtailed for that reason. I will say that I was going out more nights than not before we met, and now it’s less than that. But a lot of that is the way that COVID intersected with my arrival into middle age and less energy. I still see friends 2-3 days a week, although one of those is a Zoom meeting and another is someone coming to our place instead of me going out. But most weekends have me going out to be social once or twice. And it’s honestly nice to have a spouse at home to be social with and to just get to hang out.

              2. allathian*

                That would be a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. I love my husband but we aren’t joined at the hip and usually see our friends alone.

                Most of my closet friends are coupled and have kids. The oldest are about 5 years older than my son, so early 20s, the youngest about 5 years younger. The same age range applies to my husband’s friends’ kids. Before the pandemic, we’d usually hang out with either my husband’s friends with families, or mine.

                If we could get the grandparents to babysit, we usually went out for a date night. But even when our son was small, a few times a year I’d go for a girls’ night out with my friends. All of us have decent partners who are committed parents

                Now the kids are 5 years older and have either gone to college or are at least old enough to have their own friends and aren’t interested in hanging out with the kids of their parents’ friends. The youngest kids have siblings who are old enough to babysit them for a few hours for a bit of cash.

                My best friend’s husband and my husband have become friends, but my husband’s 5 years younger than I am and all his friends’ wives/SOs are younger than they are. I like them well enough and I enjoy hanging out with them for a few hours every now and then, but they aren’t really my friends.

                My best friend’s husband’ coworker is my husband’s friend. The coworkers introduced us when I was 33 and I’d been single for 8 years.

                When I was single I had a few FWBs. I was fine with casual sex when I was single, but I didn’t do casual dating. I can’t get emotionally interested in anyone who’s also seeing other people. My husband and I were exclusive from the moment we decided there’d be a second date.

        2. RagingADHD*

          My social life didn’t really slow down until we had kids, it just changed context because I wasn’t dating or hoping to meet dates.

        3. fallingleavesofnovember*

          From my experience it can just be that you have another person to consider and consult about your plans – it’s not that I can’t or won’t go out without my husband, but it’s a lot harder to spontaneously be like ‘hey, going out with a friend instead of coming home for the dinner you are making’ (if the friend really needed thr company, I could, but it would be kind of unkind to make it a habit). And like others said, I do enjoy hanging out with my husband so I don’t want to be out every night without him.

        4. HannahS*

          I see this a bit with a relative (Jacob) who got married a bit older than his peers. He and his wife (Abby) each had a very active and intentional social life prior to marriage. The big social change is that there are a lot more social obligations. When he was single, Jacob had to balance social-time and alone-time. Now he has to balance alone-time, Jacob-and-his-friends time, Jacob-and-Abby-couple-time, Jacob-and-Abby’s-couple-friends-time, Jacob-putting-in-an-appearance-with-Abby’s-friends, and then also sometimes Abby goes out with her own friends or needs time to herself. It’s a lot to juggle! I see how it’s easy to just disappear into couple-dom, but it really doesn’t have to be that way if you’re intentional.

        5. Falling Diphthong*

          Theory: When you cycle to a lower point in outside contact, you still have support and social contact from that primary partner, and so you don’t focus on rebuilding and strengthening those outside connections the way you would if you were now alone.

          The flip side might be when one person chooses to break up with their partner, and then after a month they’re like “Now there isn’t a person to hear about my bad day, or go with me to the new restaurant, and I really miss those things.” (Can be the catalyst for now building those other relationships, or for trying to get back together. For the dumpee, it’s a very unflattering reason to be wanted back.)

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Weirdly enough living with roommates is one of the things I miss the most from my single (or at least not cohabiting with a partner) years. Which I think it just about the value for me in terms of being a person who needs multiple relationships where we see each other often – not friendships where we see each other every three months, but ones where I can go ‘hey, good luck with that thing on Monday’ and then at least by the next weekend be like ‘so how did it go?’

        (I don’t not miss managing cleaning our shared spaces , even the best of my roommates! My husband and I are MUCH more aligned on that!)

    6. Jackalope*

      For the first several years I was fine with it; sometimes I wished I was dating someone or married, but I spent most of my twenties throwing myself with enthusiasm into trying to save the world. It was a good time period, and I had other people that I cared about who were also trying to help save the world along with me. Then I had a few years of in-between that were fine, and then about half a decade of being super frustrated that I was single. If I could have controlled things, I would have met someone and gotten married about 5-6 years earlier than I did (I ultimately met my now-husband in my late thirties and we got married – first marriage for both of us – in our early forties). But the years of saving the world were something I’m really glad I did, although if I had to make that choice over again I might choose a different path to that goal.

      1. Armchair Analyst*

        Yes. There are all different ways to save the world, which I definitely didn’t realize or value as much in my 20s

    7. Bookgarden*

      Regret.

      I wish I had spent more time traveling and doing activities that I really wanted to do by myself rather than wait until one of my friends wanted to go. My partner is amazing, and I love him dearly, but I feel like I could have experienced so much more in life if I took more chances during the significant time I was single.

      We both have time responsibilities to take care of our families now that they are aging, and our energy and time off is limited as we age in turn. Our opportunities to travel and experience new events are almost nonexistent. I wouldn’t change a thing about the life we have together now, and I’m so glad we can support our families. I just wish I did even more while younger.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Yeah, I feel like that could be a universal regret of aging, too … stuff like this gets conflated by the time of life you were in.

        1. Bookgarden*

          That’s true, I just see my closest friends, who are my age and single, having the flexibility to schedule solo trips nationally and internationally. They don’t know each other, so they are all currently doing these trips independently. I know that’s something I can’t do now due to having to share vacation time with my partner. While I’m extremely excited for my friends, I am also a little jealous that I hadn’t done that earlier.

    8. Spacewoman Spiff*

      It’s been really interesting reading the responses, thanks for posing the question! (Context: I’ve been mostly single my adult life, and especially recently have been thinking about this and my future…I think I’ve always framed it as my One Great Failing, to be dramatic, but when I look back—I’ve been happier when single than when I’m actively dating, so this is kind of throwing into question for me whether I want to focus on dating in the future.) Anyway, not an answer to your question, but I just finished the new book Party of One, which is all about life as a single person, and I really enjoyed it. It got into some things like what the social life of singles vs couples is like, intentionally building friendships as a single person, which I found really interesting and encouraging.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Yeah, I’m definitely not on team Everyone Must Be Partnered All the Time, for sure (having been single for about 20 years now). But I don’t want to tip too far into the other direction where it’s like, “oh no, that could never be me, I can’t even think about that, too scary” etc., when it certainly can be a blessing for many people.

    9. Cacofonix*

      Elongated. I would have preferred to have been partnered earlier in my thirties, but was glad I didn’t keep anyone seriously in my twenties. I would likely have chosen ill if I had. I’m not that social, but am very adventurous, so it’s delightful that I have someone whose company I truly enjoy, but who, like me, enjoys independence also.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This too. I was divorced twice by my 30th birthday. Did I learn and grow from both? Yes, absolutely, and my life would’ve been very different without either of them. (My second ex was the one who introduced me to the friend group that includes my current husband, for one thing.) But that doesn’t change the fact that both of them were really bad choices for me and I wasn’t old enough or comfortable enough with myself to see that yet.

    10. Llellayena*

      Background: single for at least 15 years, just got married at age 43 last Oct.

      The primary thing I miss about single life is the inner push to DO things. I haven’t done all that much with my main hobby (quilting) since becoming coupled again. Some of that is available time, some was Covid (my studio wfh set up ate my quilting space) and some is just enjoying his company in lieu of the hobby. Similar with reading. The biggest thing I found was different in jumping back in to being coupled is trusting my own feelings. It had been so long since my last relationship that I didn’t recognize what “falling in love” felt like for a long time. My age difference meant it was a quieter love than the college fireworks so it was hard for me to be sure. He was very patient with that. From an outside perspective, my mom keeps saying I’m definitely overall happier than when I was single.

    11. Angstrom*

      Adventurous, exploratory.
      Moving to a new city unattached was a great time for me. I was determined not to sit in my apartment watching TV and so got my butt out the door as much as possible. I went places and tried things with no constraints but my own. I could also travel on my own schedule. The downsides? Having a great experience and nobody really close to share it with.
      Now, in a good marriage, we still encourage each other to go out and have solo time and small adventures, but we both have more responsibilities and shared obligations as part of the price for the comforts of hearth and home.
      I think it’s common to want what you don’t have: If you have independence and adventure you desire security and stability, and vice versa.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We still encourage each other to go out and have solo time and small adventures, but we both have more responsibilities and shared obligations as part of the price for the comforts of hearth and home.
        I think this is a good summation of the balance.

    12. newly single*

      I don’t fit your criteria at all, but reading these responses has been interesting and I feel compelled to reply.

      I have been single for almost a year, following the death of my husband last February. We were married for just over 34 years and together for more than 36. I was 22 when I met him, so we were together for most of my adult life. I went from a three-year relationship right to him, so I have not been really been single. And I have never lived alone until now.

      My words looking forward are live and growth.

      Some of my family members and friends are already suggesting I should find another partner. I have no interest. For starters, my husband was amazing and I am seeing what a great marriage we had, as I explore my grief in therapy and support groups. We both became a little less social when we got together, mainly because we enjoyed each other’s company so much. But we also socialized with joint friends, he had his hobbies with his friends, I traveled “solo” with my friends. I think it was good balance and I miss him and our relationship.

      I have no interest in a new relationship. I still miss my husband terribly and I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship with anyone else right now. But perhaps more importantly, I need to make sure of who I am. Why I picked the word “growth”. Almost a year after his death, I think I am very much the same person I was when I was married. That makes me mostly happy, we were able to be ourselves and yet live together so well. But I want to make sure of who I am. And I want to be good with just myself before I even think about partnering with anyone, if I ever do.

      So not what you were asking, but some perspective from the opposite side of what you are seeking. Based on my own experience, I don’t think you need to lose yourself in a relationship. A good partner will accept you for who you are and not want you to completely change your life for them. In fact, because my marriage was so good, if any potential partner expected me to completely change my life, that would be a deal-breaker. I know what a great relationship is like and I won’t settle.

      1. allathian*

        I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry that some people are already suggesting that you should start dating again. My maternal grandma lost her husband when she was in her late 50s and they’d been married some 30 years. They had 10 children, one baby died in infancy, in a 20 year period, and the youngest 3 kids were still living at home (my mom was the oldest and she’d moved out by the time her youngest sibling was born). My grandma was never interested in marrying again.

        I do notice that you say you’re single, but technically you’re a widow. Maybe embracing that term would get your insensitive acquaintances to back off. Of the people I know who’ve lost long term life partners, those who aren’t interested in dating anyone else all call themselves widows/widowers and those who are interested in dating say they’re single. Some of them started out as widows but started saying they were single when they started dating again. Maybe something to think about?

        1. newly single*

          Thank you for your response. This is an interesting observation:

          “Of the people I know who’ve lost long term life partners, those who aren’t interested in dating anyone else all call themselves widows/widowers and those who are interested in dating say they’re single.”

          I will definitely keep this in mind!

          I generally do refer to myself as a widow. In talking with some friends the other day, I said in a joking-serious way, “The widow is not on the market.” I wanted to be clear I am not interested in anyone. I think I referred to myself as single in this thread because that was the nature of the topic- single versus partnered. And it’s sometimes hard to think of myself as a widow.

    13. Required Name*

      Lost. I was single until 28 and living on my own. There are some things I remember about that time positively – I always had big plans! But looking back, I realize how lost I was. I was trying out a lot of new selves trying to find who I was supposed to be. I was really kind of a mess (which I knew at the time, but I was sure better times were around the corner). So yeah, my single years weren’t a great time for me personally, but it was really that my 20s were pretty tough.

      It’s so interesting to read the responses here. I love hearing everyone’s story.

    14. Anon5775*

      I was lonely when I was single. I was single a long time but have now been in a relationship from age 39-49. I’m an introvert and not a partier, so didn’t go out much when I was in my 20s and 30s. Besides the general stuff a partner provides, I recently had a revelation. He’ll make comments that reflect his deep knowledge of my likes, dislikes, background, etc. I think it’s a lovely feeling having someone not related to me that truly knows me.

    15. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Hard to pick a word. I’ve been in that place twice. First when I was widowed, and for most of that time, I was — for lack of a better word — recovering. So I don’t think that applies.

      I then jumped into a relationship, and it did last for 5 years, but we broke up in January of 21.

      I then was single again for almost 2 years, and the word would be discovering. I was discovering myself as me, rather than as part of “us”.

    16. Rainy*

      Interesting question. I am almost 50, was widowed in my early 30s and my second husband and I have been together 10 years now, so I was single through my 3os. Some bits of it were annoying etc but for the most part it was really good and empowering. My first husband and I had been together since I was 21; being single in my 30s allowed me to cultivate friendships, live alone for the first time, do things on my own timetable, that sort of thing, in ways that were really positive for me.

  7. Msd*

    I watch a lot of HGTV especially House Hunters. Is anyone else annoyed by how many of the people are looking for houses “right on the beach”. It’s like they don’t even consider hurricanes. A recent episode was a family buying a house on the beach where the town was pretty much destroyed by a recent hurricane (the 3rd one in 10 years). I don’t get it. Well, I kind of do because the places are fabulous but still…..

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Not really something I consider worth being annoyed at. And you know those shows are fake, right? The one they “choose” is the one they owned all along. And beach houses are probably popular. May have chosen to do the show to help pay off hurricane repairs or something.

      1. Msd*

        I know it’s fake but still watch it. I also like how most episodes end with a scene of the family happily playing together in the back yard. Probably the only time they do. A friend of mine was always flabbergasted at how many people jump into the tub, make jokes about the man not getting any closet space and the overuse of “make it our own”

        1. LemonDrops*

          I got irritated of so many people complaining that house wasn’t livable when it really was! maybe it wasn’t to their taste or was outdated, but the plumbing and electricity worked, kitchen functioned, and there were no health hazards apparent

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            I couldn’t cope when some people bought a mid-century house with a beautifully preserved green and black tiled bathroom and immediately, with glee, laid into it with a sledgehammer and turned it into a bland white-and-beige affair. Admittedly I think that was Property Brothers but it ruined my enjoyment of most HGTV.

            1. Nicosloanicota*

              Yeah, there’s a decent chunk of those home shows that hate everything “dated” so they rip out allll the original features and create a very same-y “modern luxury” look that they think fits in every house – but to me looks out of place with the style and, moreover, even if I didn’t hate the look the first time, I wouldn’t want to buy the 10,000th place that looks that way (especially some of them are in the same random smallish town!).

            2. Goldfeesh*

              In addition to that- sledgehammering perfectly reusable cabinetry and such. Send everything to the dump- let’s not consider sending it to a salvage place. Oh, it’s 100-year-old cabinets made of real wood instead of OSB? Oh well.

          2. Nicosloanicota*

            Not house hunters but the other home shows are always like “it’s a complete gut job” and I’m like ?!? haha. But I get it, the shows are literally sponsored by Home Depot, and even though I *knew* it was all fake, when I bought my own house I realized it had still sort of crept into my mind (and most of my friend’s minds) that renos were fun, cheap and easy lol. Very untrue for the record!

          3. Saturday*

            I think those shows have really had an impact on how people view their homes, and the change hasn’t been healthy for us. Call me old fashioned (I am), but I feel like people were happier before so many started feeling like everything in their space had to be perfect and instagram-ready.

            As Jill says above, that usually means bland and beige (and I’d add lacking in warmth). I know someone who buys used books based on their spine color so they look good on her bookshelf. It’s so weird. Houses should be for living in, not photographing.

            1. Middle Aged Lady*

              Some people told us to get rid of the honey oak kitchen cabinets when we bought our house, or (shudders) paint them. No! They are solid wood, in good shape, and lovely. Guess what? Honey oak is now back in style.

            2. HGTV is the devil*

              When my friend listed her house, the realtor encouraged her to paint her custom cherry cabinets glossy white and rip out the slightly scuffed hardwood floors to put in some of that “nice new gray laminate.” She did neither and the house sold in 24 hours for over asking to a family who told their realtor that it was “sooooo nice to find a place where everything isn’t sterile like the inside of an operating room.”

      2. RC*

        It’s fake and I switch it around to try to figure out which house they’ve already purchased/live in. In that respect domestic HH is easier (any property they show as staged, isn’t theirs); international you’re looking for has furniture but not like books and whatnot. And sometimes they’ll complain extra loudly at some little thing in the place they end up taking, just for drama reasons.

        But to my mind that’s a different issue; none of that means they can’t or shouldn’t acknowledge natural hazards, especially those which are increasingly exacerbated by climate change and frankly we *should* be considering them. Life imitates art etc etc. Plus, I think I’ve read that they only get paid like $1k or something for appearing, which is in the noise of closing costs for most places.

      3. Nicosloanicota*

        It *is* fake, but I will say that when I was shopping for my own house, I felt just like I was starring in an episode of House Hunters, so something about the experience is weirdly realistic even though it’s fake!

      4. londonedit*

        I’ve not seen those programmes but I’m amazed to hear they’re fake – I don’t think that would be allowed here. That said, we have similar programmes like Location, Location, Location and Escape to the Country, and some of the people on those are equally ridiculous. They’re definitely not fake (sometimes the house-hunters will put in an offer, sometimes it’s accepted, but sometimes it all falls through and that’s also reported either within the show itself or as an update at the end – people are more likely to put in an offer on Location, as I believe the criteria for going on that include being in a realistic position to buy, whereas Escape is more like house-shopping than actual house-hunting, and often people haven’t yet sold their house or are really just looking to explore an area).

        Anyway, back to the ridiculous people – Escape to the Country is the worst for those, because half the time people say things like ‘Well, we really want to be in a rural location. But in a village, within walking distance to a pub and a shop. But not where we can hear cars, we don’t want to be near a road at all. And we want loads of land, but not too much. And we want a character cottage, but we don’t want exposed beams or low ceilings, and we want tons of light’. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I even saw one where they were showing the couple some lovely traditional country properties and eventually it came out that they’d never lived in anything other than a new build, and they weren’t sure how they felt about living in a house that other people had lived in! You also get the classics where they say they want to run a B&B or have holiday lets, but you can tell they have absolutely no idea what’s involved.

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          I always enjoy the backstories: “Michael is a hamster breeder who volunteers at Citizens’ Advice Bureau, while his partner Misty sells macramé jewellery on Etsy and needs a large room for her pole dancing costumes. Their budget is £1.3 million.”

    2. RC*

      Oh, it’s extremely a peeve of mine when they glibly demand houses right on the beach in hurricane alley, and/or ignore sea level rise, or don’t acknowledge the existence of earthquakes, wildfires, etc.

      There have been a very small handful of episodes where people do care about resiliency issues and they’re always played for laffs like “can you BELIEVE how DIFFICULT they’re being for wanting this!! *Climate* change, whaaaat, lolololz”

    3. A Book about Metals*

      Have you seen the (fictional) show The Curse with Emma Stone? A different take on house hunting shows

    4. Reba*

      There is an episode of Grand Designs I think about a lot, where people were building an ultra modernist home on a chunk of coastline that was like, known to be falling into the sea within a matter of decades.

      2. RC*

        Is that the one where they literally lost a piece of the lot by falling off the cliff, WHILE building was in process? Or are there >1 of these dinguses out there?

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I was looking at real estate listings near the coast near some family (somewhere we might realistically move when spouse retires), and one had a great price AND was oceanfront based on the map… and yeah, that was because the whole thing was falling into the ocean.

        And it wasn’t offered for free.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’m annoyed with HGTV because an awful lot of the houses shown for sale on their shows are awfully (and unrealistically) cheap. Then, I noticed in TV Guide that it lists the date of the episode and most of the ones being shown now were filmed in 2020 or 2021 before and during COVID and real estate has gone up an awful lot in price since then.

      I completely agree with Jill Swinburne’s and Nicosloanicota’s astute observations about much of the remodeling. So often the “before” looks better than the “after.” It is a shame when they rip out beautiful original period correct details and replace them with cheap and bland things from our time.

      1. Angstrom*

        Agreed. I understand wanting modern plumbing and wiring but there are ways to do that without destroying the original character. Why build a new bathroom with all the charm of a chain hotel?

        1. RLC*

          I’ve read numerous articles (US) on “how to stage your older home for quick sale” and most suggest making your home look like a neutral modern hotel, as impersonal as possible. Interestingly I’ve read articles from the UK suggesting more of a gentle update and playing up your home’s character/unique retro appeal.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            That’s interesting because when we were looking at houses for sale (’23) in the US, grey + greyish neutrals was an overwhelming thing. Usually boring in one space, and actively offputting in the fourteenth space. What I remember is the house with warm wood and natural light, or the house with deep red kitchen walls with white cabinetry–not what I would have come up with on my own, but in that space with that light it looked great.

            I think when people are looking for a home, they are picturing something that will have unique delightful details. This can go too far and be off-putting–but if you’re trying to elicit “Oh hey I really like this!” rather than “This does not offend me” then avoiding generic blandness is a better tactic.

          2. londonedit*

            People definitely do talk a lot about a ‘blank canvas’ here in the UK – i.e. if you have bold statement walls, or a lot of patterned wallpaper, you should think about toning that down if you want to sell. People also recommend getting rid of clutter and any furniture that’s too big or that’s cluttering up a room – the idea is that potential buyers should be able to see the space at its best, and should be able to imagine themselves living there, so if there’s a ton of furniture shoved in, or a load of personal knick-knacks, or you’ve got a bright pink wall, that all makes it much more difficult.

            If you have an older house then people definitely want to see the ‘character’, whether that’s traditional fireplaces or ceiling roses or exposed solid wood floorboards or whatever. Most people don’t want to have to do a ton of work, so they’ll want to see that any character features are in good order – basically people want character, but they also want a modern house with decent windows and a nice kitchen and bathroom.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        There’s always been a huge time gap on that show because people apply after they’ve bought a house, get selected to be on the show, then scheduling with them and their realtor and whoever owns the other properties, then go back to 2 other places and the place they bought and film it like they’re looking. Then editing. Then it airs whenever HGTV finds suitable. I don’t watch it anymore, but I don’t think I ever saw an episode that wasn’t at least two years old.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Not just hurricanes, but flooding from all the smaller coastal storms, and from king tides.

      After Hurricane Helene, I’m sure there are people thinking that if Asheville was that vulnerable to a hurricane, they might as well buy a house on the beach. That beach house is still more likely to be damaged or destroyed by a hurricane, but some people think “either something happens or it doesn’t,” and stop there.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My mom was born in the 20s in a fishing village. She said back then, the only people who lived near the beach were rich enough to replace everything and poor people who had nothing to lose. This in answer to why we didn’t move to her mother’s house 2 blocks from the bay.

  8. Jazz and Manhattans*

    I have two questions but will post them separately even though they are related.

    I love to crochet and cross-stitch but my neck is causing me big issues and I developed some nerve issues after a project that I did a lot in a short amount of time. I heard that there are glasses you can wear that allow you to keep your head straight but can see down – prism or belay glasses?? I would love some recommendations from people who have used them in a craft setting. (I’m in the U.S. for purchasing/shipping purposes)

    2. ronda*

      I got my nephew some for his birthday. the one I chose was called lazy readers.
      but I need glasses to see small stuff, so they didnt really work for me

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t know if this would work for your crafts but in case it’s useful, my sister found a lap thing for reading books. She had the same issue, getting neck pain from looking down at books. Perhaps there’s something like this that you could rest your arms on?

      1. Qwerty*

        Getting a frame stand for my cross stitching was a huge game changer for me. I do large one (12×14 in) and use a scroll frame. The stand brought the cross stitch to me, plus I usually prop the chart on one side of the frame so I only have to turn my head slightly to see (bonus that it means my neck gets some side-to-side motion)

        On yarn days, I usually time box how long I do crochet before switching to knitting. When doing simple stuff (row is all knit or purl), I find I barely have to look at the needles so I’m able to keep my head up and delay getting neck pain.

  9. Jazz and Manhattans*

    I’ve had an issue with my neck for some time that was exacerbated by a short-term intense craft project that kept me looking down. I’m seeing a physical therapist and she suggested a posture shirt. She can’t recommend a brand herself so I’m seeking recommendations from people who have used one to help their posture. Of particular interest is if the size is true to other shirts you have worn. (I’m in the U.S. for purchasing/shipping purposes)

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      Interesting, I went to a workshop by my myofascial release therapist (who is an occupational therapist) and she DOES NOT LIKE THEM. She prefers exercises and and stretches to improve your posture. Posture shirts might be good for short term use but you need to train your muscles and a posture shirt does all the work so you don’t have to, and could eventually get weaker muscles.

        1. My Brain is Exploding*

          Apologies, what I answered is not what you asked. I figured there was a good reason but got interrupted in my reply…anyway, I hope you find a good one, I know that if you are a bra-wearing person there are posture bras!

    2. Clara Bowe*

      Intelliskin. It shocked the heck out of me the first time I put one on. It was a great support for the early parts of my posture therapies and they regularly have sales/a coupon.

      Also, their fit guide is pretty accurate. I have a couple shorts and they are meant to be tight to do what they need to.

  10. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Missing You on Netflix, 5 episode thriller that opens with a police detective in the missing persons unit matches on a dating app with the fiancé who ghosted her 10 years ago. Various cases old and new percolate up. Stars Louisa from Slow Horses. I liked that the coincidences and small mistakes happened early in the timeline–that it was what set off events and caused someone to look over here.

    Squid Game Season 1. It’s really interesting to me that the two big hits to come out of South Korea recently–this and Parasite–are scathing indictments of capitalism.

    1. Jenesis*

      My Adventures with Superman, on Amazon Prime. I give it a recommendation if you like old (’90s/early aughts) superhero cartoons. The animation definitely feels older/more choppy than it ought to in 2023 and the plots are fairly simplistic, but 5 episodes in the characters are growing on me enough that I’m looking forward to seeing what happens to them. Also love that there are SO MANY POC and they’re not stereotyped either!

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Football, and as usual I am disappointed with it. Although my D3 football team did win the national championship, that’s it. Also The Irrational is back and I love it and I CAN’T WAIT for All Creatures Great and Small!

    3. Six Feldspar*

      The first series of the Brother Cadfael mysteries with Derek Jacobi – definitely recommend if you like British detective series and/or historical dramas and/or spotting baby actors.

      I’ve picked up Elementary again from the library – I loved the first series when it was showing for the first time but got distracted from the rest over the years, and it’s great to watch again and remember how much I enjoyed it. Added bonus: Johnny Lee Miller appears in the Cadfael series as a very young actor.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Loved Cadfael! I developed a major crush on Sean Pertwee back in the day – he played Cadfael’s friend the sheriff in the first season.

      3. Ali*

        I saw a lot of Elementary, but never the whole thing start to finish. You’re right, it was great – I should go back and watch the whole thing!

    4. CTT*

      Finally watched Challengers and I liked it but did not love it. I look forward to its deserved Best Score Oscar win and am browsing camel-colored cashmere sweaters.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      We’ve totally gotten into Bob’s Burgers! It’s amazing how long it’s been on. Love how the kids are so distinct: Louise is a chaos agent, Gene this cheerful sunsuit/hedonist, and Tina seems to be a rules following good girl but filled with lust and cold as a snake when occasion warrants.

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          A cheerful sunsuit feels like something I could buy online, likely advertised in a pop-up ad for a nonexistent company. Thanks for the chuckle!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Facebook reels all over the place. (Also I’m pretty sure I wore cheerful sunsuits when I was like, 7 or 8. :) )

    6. ThatGirl*

      We just finished season 2 of Shrinking on Apple TV+ and it’s so good. It’s funny, it’s sweet, it’s honest. The cast is fantastic.

      1. RC*

        We have a free trial of Apple TV and have been loving Acapulco. I’m not sure why it’s not been advertised more, we really just stumbled upon it. It’s greatly enjoyable.

        That and The Afterparty are the two best things we’ve seen there. Loot was fine, Shrinking was generally okay (although I’ve found myself annoyed with Bill Lawrence for some reason lately). Only watched the first seasons of those two though (so far).

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          On Apple: We loved Slow Horses and Severance. Also For All Mankind if you’re into sci fi.

          1. RC*

            I really wanted to like For All Mankind, and thematically I suppose I should have (see also: Lessons in Chemistry?), but I gave it like 3 episodes and could not find a single character I actually liked so I gave up on it.

            1. epicdemiologist*

              This is a problem I frequently have with media (including books). I remember being about 1/3 of the way through a giant doorstop of a historical novel and thinking “I really don’t care if they all die on the next page,” so I put it down and found something else to read!

              Mind you, I needn’t APPROVE of them, I just have to CARE about them. Like some horrible foster dogs I’ve had.

            2. Falling Diphthong*

              I get that–I need a character to root for, especially in any ongoing show. (Wolf of Wall Street stood out to me on a rewatch because I didn’t like or root for anyone, and that’s usually a death knell–but I don’t think I would tune in for 12 episodes of unlikable people doing bad things and getting away with it.)

              Slow Horses: Spy show about the spies sent to the division of screw ups to keep them out of the way. I am so used to spy shows about the uber competent that it feels completely fresh to have spies who screw up. Like they do three smart things and then a dumb one, which is very human.

              Severance on paper shouldn’t be appealing–people work for a mysterious company that has solved work-life separation by dividing your brain that way, and you can’t even tell what they do–but it was compelling and I loved it. Same with Only Murders, when I care not at all about true crime podcasts.

      2. CityMouse*

        I’m excited for the return of Severance and Mythic Quest this month, if you have Apple.

        Harrison Ford is doing some of his best work ever in Shrinking.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I’m medium on Shrinking overall but love Ford’s character. The scene where he decides to give up driving so that he’s the one in control of when that happens: Really hits as I’ve had to dial things back due to health. He also stands out for being the therapist who can recognize that he is stuck in a negative pattern, and so do something different.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Yes, it was a revelation to see Harrison Ford so funny, and having a great time, and he gets more vulnerable.

          We’re excited for Severance next, gonna rewatch S1.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I decided to rewatch LOST and was surprised by how good the early seasons still are vs how bad it gets by the end. There are some early twists and reveals in season one and two that were still really fun to watch, but the last season was such a slog.

      1. CityMouse*

        I remember how obsessed we all got. I was in high school when it started and we used to talk about it at school. I think its decline happened right as I went to college and so I never watched past season 2.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        That’s one that suffered from me having a really compelling idea about where it was going (the gods crash humans onto their island as lab rats; the humans will stop cooperating and fight back, with the flash sideways showing what happened in a world where the island didn’t mess with their paths) and boy was that not what was happening.

        This also affected S3 of Nikita (a show I otherwise really liked), when I theorized that getting the entire team killed on every mission must be that they were sneaking all the operatives out of the org by faking their deaths. Nope.

    8. Bike Walk Barb*

      The Equalizer with Queen Latifah in the lead role. We like things that fit into a genre we labeled “women who kick a$$” and she’s great in this. I especially appreciate that they pay attention to her role as mom and what her mysterious work is doing to her relationship with her daughter and Aunt Vi who lives with them.

      Also just rewatched Wakanda Forever (another one full of women kicking patooties) and cried yet again at the tribute to Chadwick Boseman.

      1. Ali*

        Oo, The Equalizer is a great reminder. I was so excited to see the previews for that, but I only watch things online so I forgot to check for when it hit Netflix/Hulu. Adding this to my list!

    9. Nonny*

      We devoured Nobody Wants This (Netflix) which is hilarious and yet too close to home for some in the family. Cannot wait for season 2!

      I love Parasite and Squid Game, despised capitalism even more when I learned Hwang Dong-hyuk (Squid Game creator) made so little money on it.

    10. David*

      Last weekend my friend told me about a web series called Dimension 20; it’s basically a bunch of professional comedians playing Dungeons and Dragons, and it is absolutely hilarious. I have been absolutely hooked on it this whole week and I would definitely recommend it, even to people who have never played or even heard of D&D – it’s really just interactive storytelling. They have their whole first campaign free to watch on YouTube, which is probably 30+ hours of content, and if you like it there’s a lot more available to paid subscribers on their website.

      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        A related recommendation: a podcast called Nerd Poker, which is also professional comedians playing D&D.

        1. RC*

          A related-related one: DesiQuest (it’s on YouTube). I think Glen Weldon on PCHH recommended it awhile back and I am just now remembering I need to finish the last episode (I had some health stuff suddenly come up when I started/before I finished it). They had a panel at Comic Con this past year and I was glad (*and* some of them were even masking, in that giant petri dish of humanity)

    11. Balanceofthemis*

      I am watching Classic Doctor Who, currently in the Fourth Doctor era. Yay for BBC+ that lets me get it here in the States.

      I have also started my annual Grimm rewatch. Really excited for the recently announced movie and the possible relaunch of the series.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I started watching Doctor Who rebroadcasts on my local PBS station as a teen back in the 1970s. They say you never forget your first doctor.

    12. o_gal*

      We just finished watching “Cells At Work” and “Cells At Work: Code Black”. To watch it, you have access to a service that has Japanese anime, like Crunchyroll, but it’s really, really worth it if you do. The original is very family friendly, while Code Black is… not. The basic premise is that a city/world with apartment buildings, streets, shops, etc. is actually a human body. The “people” there are different cells. The main characters are a red blood cell and a white blood cell, who is constantly getting the red blood cell out of trouble. They also have macrophages, killer T cells, dendritic cells, gastric cells, hair cells, etc. etc. All drawn in different ways to represent what they are. For example, the gastric chief cell is a giant loud and angry man dressed like a line cook. Different episodes show the characters fighting off different bacteria and health situations. And throughout the episodes, there are voice overs explaining what the different cells do and what the bacteria are and so forth. I think the original would be great to show in a health or biology class. However, be aware that Code Black has more “adult” episodes (achieving an erection and having sex LOL!)

      1. GoryDetails*

        I adore Cells at Work, both the original and Code Black. Read the manga and watched all the anime episodes I could find. (Netflix has some seasons of Cells at Work, btw.)

        It’s true that Code Black gets pretty grim, as that poor person has terrible habits and suffers major illnesses from all of them – and the cells themselves have to work so hard and feel so unappreciated that it’s pretty depressing for them as well. (Does begin to look up a bit at the end, but still!)

        The original series also features lots of scary ailments – for one person to get that many seems seriously unlucky, but there you go. But in general it is more upbeat, and the cells themselves enjoy their work and are great fun.

        The whole thing is very much based in actual biology, with lots of info about how our various blood cells and immune-system factors work. I’ve seen some YouTube videos of doctors’ reactions to the show, generally a mix of awe and delight!

      2. Nonny*

        I loved Cells at Work! Seriously reminded me of the upgraded/Japanese version of the show I grew up on, Il était une fois… La Vie.

    13. allathian*

      Solo Leveling. An interesting anime we stated watching because our son wanted to watch it.

      Still enjoying Skeleton Crew. Jude Law plays a wonderfully morally ambiguous, at least for Star Wars, character.

      The Sopranos. I like it, even if I don’t really like any of the characters.

    14. Busy Middle Manager*

      The new Matlock with Kathy Bates. I can’t explain how, but it feels real to me! When I watch other legal shows it feels like you’re following a formulaic script and know it’s a show, but there have been a couple of times watching the new Matlock where I’ve been ready to burst into tears or my heart has been pounding, and I have to remind myself it’s just a show. Maybe Kathy Bates is just that good of an actress? Or maybe it’s the background story on top of the story of each episode

        1. Busy Middle Manager*

          I highly recommend it, I know there are many legal drama shows, this one feels different. There is more of a sense of urgency and less of an awareness you’re watching fiction. I think Kathy Bates just has a way of making things seem real, and she keeps you engaged because she flips between personalities in a way few actors do and the subplot of the opoid epidemic and some of her fights with her husband feel a little too real

          There is also the strong subplot of having infiltrated the law firm to avenge her daughters death, so there is a theme between episodes.

          I impatiently await new episodes

    15. Teapot Translator*

      I finished Ted Lasso. Loved it. Then I had a rewatch of all three seasons of Sister Boniface and two seasons of Inspector Alleyn. I’m trying to find a new mystery series to watch, but I’m having no luck. I tried Quirke, too dark and gloomy; Inspector Lynley, got annoyed at the romantic subplot; Wallander, too depressing and I just can’t see Branagh in the role of a tormented cop. YMMV

      1. Dear Liza dear liza*

        Have you watched FATHER BROWN? Sister Boniface was a spin-off so the vibe is very similar.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Love Sister Boniface! I really miss Ruth–she and the inspector had such great chemistry.

      3. Goldfeesh*

        Have you watched Psych? It’s not UK, but it’s a mystery comedy centered around two friends who solve mysteries. I also liked Death in Paradise, but I have only seen two or three seasons/series. It looks like I started with 10.

    16. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      The Traitors is back. It’s absolutely a guilty pleasure show, but that’s exactly what I need right now.

    17. Chaordic One*

      CBS started broadcasting previous seasons of “Only Murders in the Building” on their regular channel and I’m surprised that I like it. Right now they’ve started broadcasting the second season. TBH, I didn’t particularly care for the first season and was ready to stop watching. (IRL it is unlikely that Mabel Mora would hang out with two old geezers like Charles-Haden Savage and Oliver Putnam.) But it is well-written and I like how they build on things from the first season and incorporate them into the plot of the second. (Loved the guest appearance by Shirley MacLaine.)

      I’ve also been enjoying Matlock, High Potential and Elsbeth.

    18. Honoria Lucasta*

      I just finished PERFECT COUPLE on Netflix. Murder mystery miniseries starring Nicole Kidman and Liev Schreiber. My parents loved it, I found the writing weak (and some of the performances) but it’s an interestingly constructed mystery whose solution I wasn’t able to guess.

      I’m also listening to the new series of REVOLUTIONS by Mike Duncan, which is a delight even though I have some quibbles with his version of events.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Weird little detail I loved on Perfect Couple, which is told nonlinearly with a lot of flashbacks: On the fateful day one character is wearing a dress that tries very hard, and each time she appears it looks less sexy and more sad and desperate. Wardrobe really nailed it.

    19. Willow*

      La Maison on Apple. French language series about a family-owned fashion house. One of those stories about terrible rich people fighting over a family business, but also engages with more serious issues.

    20. Mitchell Hundred*

      I recently finished the first season of Delicious in Dungeon on Netflix. It’s sort of partly about cooking and eating the fantasy monsters, and partly about how they fit into the dungeon’s ecosystem. Very intricate worldbuilding, and it has a very keen awareness of fantasy tropes and how to tinker with them. Highly recommended.

      Incidentally, if you want to see South Korean media that hates capitalism, check out Train to Busan. It’s a zombie movie set on a bullet train.

  11. fallingleavesofnovember*

    Anyone done a European River cruise and have any tips? I (mid 30s) am planning to go with my (early 70s) Mum. I’ve travelled quite a bit, including in Europe, and so has she, but she is a lot less mobile than before. we are mostly looking at Danube River cruises. There are so many companies, my head is spinning!

    1. Aphrodite*

      You might want to check out “Tips for Travelers.” He is a constant cruiser, and he has done river cruises.

    2. Manders*

      My parents have done a number of Viking River Cruises, and my mid-30’s friend did one as well for her honeymoon. Both pairs really, really loved them. Lots to do, small ship, interesting cities, cultural info onboard, etc.

    3. Msd*

      I’ve taken several Viking river cruises. They are pretty good. One thing to be aware of is the problem with water levels. If it rains a lot in the soring then water levels are too high for the boats to go under bridges. If the summer is hot and dry then the water levels are too low for the boats to go at all. What happens is you’ll get bused from port to port and stay on a different boat each night. This isn’t just Viking it’s all the different companies. I’d recommend going in the fall when water levels tend to be “normal”. Viking has a minimum age of 18 for their cruises so there’s lots of folks your mom’s age.

      1. RedinSC*

        ^^ this. My MIL was on the Water Too Low cruise and it was really sad. They also missed a few stops they wanted to go to because of this.

      2. Don’t make me come over there*

        Yeah, a friend of mine took her parents on a Rhine cruise last fall and it turned into a bus tour because the water levels were so high. Get travel insurance and read the fine print!

    4. Kay*

      Think about how much time you want to spend in places. On a river cruise there often isn’t very much time to actually enjoy the places you are visiting, if that is important to you, and many of them travel at night so you don’t actually get to see the countryside. I would decide what you want to accomplish and plan from there.

    5. Saltysalty*

      I did one with my grandmother on the Danube and loved it! My grandparents loved the company Grand Circle and went on many of their european river boat tours…but this was 20-30 years ago, so I cannot say anything about them as a company now. It was specifically designed for older folks–it was a white hair parade–with a few folks like me and my aunt who were there because of a white-hair-aged relative or friend. Because of that, they did a great job accommodating old age stuff, like mobility issues. We had traveling days, so got to see the beautiful countryside, but also port days, where we got off the boat. Usually there were activities set up, but we could also always do our own thing or stay on the boat if we wanted. I have great memories of that trip!

    6. Cordelia*

      I’ve done two – one along the Danube, and one along the Douro in Portugal, that one was with my early 80’s not very mobile mother.
      They were very different – she’s done others too, and says they all vary.
      The main difference was in when we did the cruising, and when we got off the boat. The Danube one stopped in lots of big cities (Budapest, Vienna, Bratislava, etc) and towns, and we mostly travelled at night and were moored in the day. The Douro goes through much more of a rural area and there aren’t many places to see, so it was mostly cruising during the day. That was lovely, and I know my mother prefers that – I am not so good at doing nothing for too long, and got a little stir crazy by the end. So look carefully at the itineraries.
      Also be aware that you are very likely to tie up next to another boat when you dock, so although you might originally have a beautiful view from your cabin, you will probably end up having to keep your blinds closed or you are looking directly into the cabin on the neighbouring boat. This is disappointing if you are not expecting it.
      They are definitely good options for people with limited mobility, so long as she can get up the steps onto the deck. They are also good if you are travelling with someone with different needs and preferences to you, as you can choose whether to go on excursions or relax on the boat.
      The level of service on both trips was amazing, I’ve not been to luxury hotels but this is how I imagine them to be

      1. Travel for Life*

        We’ve always gone with Scenic and had a really first class experience. Love that absolutely everything, including tips was included with the fare. Any wine they had (and it was a big wine list) was also included along with all other beverages. We’ve done European river cruises in late June. Great weather, spring rains finished, not yet hot enough to drop water levels too low… next up will be a Mekong river cruise and we were so happy with Scenic for Europe, they are who we will be using again.

    7. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I did the Viking Danube from Nuremberg to Budapest.

      Biggest piece of advice, if it’s offered, stay in Prague before (or after), and similarly with Budapest!!! There is so much to do in those cities, and Prague is an amazingly beautiful city.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I’m so glad you asked this fallingleavesofnovember. The commercials one sees on PBS make it look and sound so wonderful and most of the time it probably it is. A European river cruise is something that I have been seriously considering for myself. The replies have been extremely informative and not something that I’ve ever heard from Rick Steves or Samantha Brown.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Glad it was helpful to you too! I’ll be sure to let you know what we end up doing and how it goes. I do love being able to ask real people here, this community is always so wonderful!

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Thank you for all the feedback and advice! some very useful tips and considerations, especially in terms of expectations. I’ll let you all know how it goes!

  12. anontoday*

    Not looking for medical advice, just emotional support around a medical issue. I’ve had gynecological problems ever since I began menstruating, and recently they’ve become somewhat debilitating for me because they’re exacerbating another chronic illness I have. I went to my gynecologist on Thursday and asked about doing a hysterectomy and she said we could do that and recommended taking the uterus, cervix, tubes, and one ovary. She noted that if I want to have a child with my egg through surrogacy, we would need to leave both ovaries. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t ever want to carry a pregnancy, and honestly I hadn’t thought that I would want to use my eggs before this conversation. I think getting one ovary removed is still right for me as ovulation is the most painful and symptomatic part of the menstrual cycle for me, so I don’t think I could tolerate the process of egg retrieval anyway, and before this conversation I had always felt that having a child that is biologically related to me is not important for me. I’m queer and nonbinary, so the idea of birthing a child myself already felt unnecessary and kind of gave me the ick. But I was a bit taken aback when I walked out of the doctor’s office with the orders for a hysterectomy. As a childless 25-year-old, I thought I would have to fight for it more. It felt like pushing hard against a door and all of a sudden it opens and you fall over.

    I think having the surgery could only change my life for the better – it will potentially help with symptoms, and it effectively doesn’t change my family planning. But I think I felt better about not having children that are biologically mine when it was because of how I am choosing to build a family, whereas eliminating the possibility medically feels like there’s something broken about me.

    I also just want to note that I won’t have the surgery until this summer, so there’s plenty of time for me to think it over.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Does it help that you are still choosing to take this step (to eliminate the possibility medically) instead of other possible options? They won’t do the surgery unless you want them to, after all. It’s a more final choice than others, but it is still your choice.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Choices always feel different when we could change our minds anytime. It’s healthy to need a pause before making an irrevocable decision. You aren’t broken, but it’s a big step. You just need time to sit with it, and fortunately you have that.

      I hope everything works out great and you feel immensely better as a result.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      The possible becoming the actual, even when it’s positive and something we want, is hard to absorb at first, especially when it’s an issue that’s been pretty fundamental to how we’ve lived for so long. I’m not at all surprised that it’s kind of a “wow….wow” moment.

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      To have your choices removed from you is different than you making choices yourself! Most people would be upset about that. It makes sense to me. IDK but if you continue to feel broken (and I’m so sorry you feel that way), then maybe discuss that with a therapist. I hope everything works out for you.

    5. Pickles*

      It’s hard to close a door when you are young and you don’t know what could come your way in life (even if you never would have used that door).
      I’m glad your doctor listened to you. Hugs and I hope the surgery helps. I also had a chronic condition from my period and hormones in general. Everyone complains about menopause but I love it! My life is better than ever.

    6. RC*

      I went through a very similar thing last year (always knew I never wanted bio/kids, planned to run out the clock, medical issue forced my hand and hysterectomy it was). It was kind of weird fully getting rid of my uterus as opposed to just a series of endless IUDs, even though the outcome is the same. I have no regrets, especially since the hysterectomy allowed me to avoid a bigger abdominal incision.

      Turns out it’s a very common surgery, and there are a lot of us out there; weirdly around the same time Alie Ward (Ologies podcast) also had a hysterectomy, and it did help me to hear others’ stories like that. And the very thin silver lining to the absolute catastrophic shitshow of the year’s end is I’ve never been more confident in my decision to not have babies (and I was already pretty confident before). I’m fully leaning into other ways to build family and community, especially in these times.

      Hopefully you trust your doc? It also helped that she answered all the questions I had as I thought it over. And really, not having periods anymore is AMAZING. I wasted so much of my life worrying about bleeding through my underwear! But you have time to think about it.

      1. anontoday*

        Thank you for the podcast recommendation! I just listened and it made it feel a lot more normal, I think. She also brought up some points that helped me think of more questions to ask my doctor.

        1. RC*

          Glad to be able to help!

          Another rec I was glad I got: if you go through with it, and especially if they have to cut through your abs, I cannot recommend highly enough a c-shaped body pillow. Hilariously (not) they seem to always be sold in the pregnancy/baby department rather than the bedding/linens department (??), but I slept, sat, laid, ate, everything with mine in various configurations for probably at least the 6 week prescribed recovery time. It helped so much especially during that initial post-surgery period when you just can’t move positions once you find one, and maybe still have extra CO2 in your abdominal cavity.

    7. CityMouse*

      It is different to have a choice taken off the table. Your doctor isn’t performing a major surgery like that lightly. Given the extent of the surgery you might want to get a second opinion, just because any time you’re getting a major procedure it’s something to think about. But I realize the difficulty of getting that appointment is a factor.

      You have time so maybe there’s a therapist specializing in these issues you could speak to?

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I think it’s really normal to have complicated feelings about a path that is being shut off for you, even when up until now you didn’t plan to go down that path.

    9. Girasol*

      It’s so permanent, isn’t it? But my friend who had this done 15 years ago recently said that she was delighted with the results as soon as it was done – no more pain! – and she never regretted it.

    10. Morning Reader*

      I’m very confused about the biology involved here, but, won’t you still ovulate with one ovary? So if your other condition is exacerbated by ovulation, don’t you need them both out? Assuming you are keeping an ovary to keep from going into menopause early (which iirc is what happens if you don’t have replacement hormones), why not keep both?
      I’m not sure if your reaction is to hysterectomy, because you will not be able to get pregnant the regular way, or to the lack of medical possibility of using your own eggs someday. If the former, take some time to come to acceptance on the loss of your womb. That’s a biggie even if you didn’t think you’d use it. Hopefully will be easier if you never planned to become pregnant. If the latter, just keep two ovaries, if it won’t make a difference in your treatment plan. (I’m not clear on whether your options are to remove one or both or none, and how any of the choices would affect your outcomes.)

      And btw there is nothing broken about you. In fact, if you were a cat, we’d call that “fixed,” not broken.

      1. Jules the First*

        I’m not the OP and can’t speak to her situation specifically, but often in these kinds of cases there is a problematic ovary that is the predominant source of the ovary-related problems. A doctor might then choose to take the problematic one out to minimise ovary-related pain but leave the other one in to minimise hormonal issues. Both ovaries are necessary for IVF conception to be practical (it’s why I’m not a candidate for IVF – one of my ovaries produces only dodgy eggs)

    11. anonogyn*

      I am a gyn. If your doctor is thinking about a hysterectomy at a young age, that is something. There is definitely a place for second (or third) opinions. You may want to consider having a fresh set of eyes looking in.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Please don’t do this, anonogyn. OP is the one who asked about a hysterectomy; so many doctors would refuse to consider it solely due to youth and “you might change your mind”—which is super paternalistic, disrupts patients’ ability to decide for themselves, and may mean people are subjected to pain, health problems, and health risks much longer than is necessary. Kudos to OP’s doctor for taking the question seriously and providing what they believe to be a realistic course of action based on full knowledge of OP’s health situation, past treatment attempts, and wishes.

    12. Harlowe*

      Only asking because I don’t see it mentioned: is removing both ovaries and freezing eggs something that you might want, if it’s medically and financially feasible? Just to leave yourself the option?

  13. Six Feldspar*

    What are we cooking lately?

    I made the Poor Man’s Icecream from Dylan B Hollis last week and it’s delicious but I’m glad I cut down the sugar.

    1. Evvy*

      I tried a new tuna salad recipe that includes chopped hard boiled eggs and it makes very yummy sandwiches!

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      This week it was creamy chicken chili and spaghetti! Oldies but goodies. Husband is supposed to be making cookies today while I’m at work.

    3. Anono-me*

      I made crockpot rice pudding last weekend. Turned out well and I am liking warm comfort food in this cold weather.
      I’m going to try the broiled cabbage slices this weekend. I have a couple of pintrest recipes to choose from, but if anyone has a favorite or some advice, I would welcome it.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I haven’t felt up to it since cooking myself a big Christmas dinner, but it’s been pretty cold lately so I’m thinking of making some tomato soup on Sunday.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      A vegan version of Helen Rosner’s Roberto soup that I froze in Souper cubes. I purchased those thanks to someone recommending them here and yes they’re awesome for freezer storage! The funny moment was going to the freezer with part of this big batch of soup and realizing I *already* had a batch of frozen Roberto, neatly hidden away because the frozen cubes don’t take up nearly as much room as my stacks of things frozen in various glass containers that remind me they’re there. Feeling truly souper these days.

    7. LBD*

      I’ve made salmon chowder, and roasted squash soup with a medley of squash bought in the fall from a farm that I pass every few weeks or so (I buy a winter’s worth at once). I have also made a lentil good shepherd’s pie, and braised red cabbage with cider vinegar, apples, onions, and cloves. All very satisfying at this time of year! I shop for what is in season locally, with a few exceptions such as bananas and avocados.
      I have been experimenting with gluten free cooking to be inclusive of a family member. Recently I made some apple muffins with a streusal topping from a recipe that I got from a friend, but substituted a blend of gluten free flours for regular flour. They turned out well and were really yummy, just like my friend’s version!

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        As a celiac, I can recommend Bob’s Red Mill 1 to 1 flour (sold in a light blue bag). I substitute it in normal recipes for all my baking and have great results. It already has the xanthum gum in as well. I prefer that to having to have a bunch of different flours on hand to make my own blends.

      2. Begonia*

        If you want a nice GF cake, I highly recommend Tarta de Santiago. It uses almond flour, eggs and sugar. It never had wheat flour.

        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          My godmother made it for my last birthday and yes, it was fabulous! I’m a big fan of anything nutty regardless of my gluten issues!

      3. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Seconding BRM 1:1 flour blend, but I also want to say, for anyone who sometimes kindly bakes a GF dessert or dish for a friend/family member but usually uses regular flour: Please make sure you aren’t accidentally allowing non-GF flour to get on/stay on the surfaces or tools or ingredients that you’ll use for the GF item. Flour kind of floats around, so if you’re going to cook/bake GF and also non-GF, do the GF first and put it safely away before you take out the gluten-y ingredients. Thank you!

    8. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We’ve had a very cheesy week after making lasagne last weekend and eating leftover all week!
      Planning to make a tomato-chicken soup this weekend with turkey stock I’ve had frozen since (Canadian) Thanksgiving and some cute star-shaped pasta I bought at a new gluten free store we discovered recently. Also a chickpea tagine.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          SLOW COOKER CHICKEN TAGINE WITH APRICOTS AND CHICKPEAS

          INGREDIENTS
          The chicken and aromatic vegetables:
          1 1/2 tablespoons canola oil
          8 bone-in chicken thighs with the skin removed
          1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, divided
          1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
          2 1/2 cups chopped yellow onion (2 1/2 medium onions)
          1/4 cup finely chopped garlic (10–12 med cloves)

          The Spices:
          1 1/4 teaspoons ground cumin
          1 teaspoon ground coriander
          1 teaspoon paprika
          3/4 teaspoon ground turmeric
          1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
          1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

          Remaining Ingredients:
          1 1/2 cups low salt chicken broth
          2 teaspoons honey
          2 (3-inch) cinnamon sticks
          2/3 cup chopped dried apricots
          2 (15-ounce) cans organic chickpeas, drained and rinsed

          Garnishes:
          3 tablespoons oil (to cook almonds)
          3/4 cup whole blanced almonds
          1/4 cup cilantro leaves, roughly chopped
          2 lemons, cut into wedges

          INSTRUCTIONS
          Season the tops of the chicken thighs with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper.

          1.Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil to the pan and swirl to coat. Add chicken to pan, top/seasoned side down. Cook for 5 minutes, until nicely browned on the top side only. Transfer to a plate.
          2.Add onion and garlic to pan and sauté 4 minutes, stirring occasionally, until softened. Add spices: cumin, coriander, paprika, turmeric, ginger, red pepper and 1 teaspoon salt. Cook, stirring constantly, for 1 minute. Add broth and honey, scraping pan to loosen browned bits. Bring to a simmer.
          3. Carefully pour hot mixture into a 6-quart electric slow cooker. Stir in apricots, chickpeas and cinnamon sticks. Arrange chicken on top, browned side facing up.
          4.Cover and cook on LOW for 6 hours. Discard cinnamon sticks.
          5.Brown the Almonds: Heat olive oil in a small skillet over medium heat. Cook the almonds, tossing constantly, until lightly browned. Drain on paper towels.

          I’m going to make it without the chicken though, which also means you can cook it for less time (basically until everything else is cooked and thickened. I usually add in some chopped up preserved lemon and sometimes some veg (chopped butternut squash, carrots, even kale towards the end)

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband gave me Saladology for Christmas, and I’ve been cooking through that. (The review that convinced him this would vibe with me was “Like Ottolenghi for salads.”) So far lots of really good things–two nights ago was a Korean bowl with chicken, and I’m about to reprise the tofu in miso sauce with roast eggplant. I cook with a lot of vegetables, but it can be easy to get into a rut of the same side vegetables in the same way.

    10. sagewhiz*

      Would you share the recipe, please? Can’t find it without having to sit through a video, and I have no interest in doing that

    11. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I am making Tuscan Chicken and adding angel hair to the recipe. It’s delicious and makes for yummy leftovers (saying this as a someone who doesn’t typically like leftovers)!

    13. Llellayena*

      We’re attempting Apricot Roast Duck tomorrow. We found that Shop Rite sells whole roast duck and decided “why not?” It’s still defrosting in the fridge so we’ll see…

    14. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I made Thai Red Curry with Chicken from RecipeTinEats (Oz blog) last night. Had leftovers for lunch today and now I’m sad it’s gone. Really delicious and her recommendation for canned curry paste is going to be my new go to.

    15. Bethlam*

      We are eating through the pantry to get rid of the old before I do a major restocking and I found 3 cans of navy beans. No clue why I have those, as I’ve never made anything with canned navy beans.

      Also happened to cook a ham this week, so did a search for recipes NOT soup, so I’m making a dish for supper with beans, ham, tomatoes, and sauteed happenedsalad veggies.

    16. carcinization*

      I surprisingly found a copy of Half-baked Harvests’s Quick and Cozy cookbook at TJ Maxx (I think it’s called TK Maxx in other countries… I shop there often but not for books!) and am currently making the Creamy Coconut Chicken Curry w/Broccoli in my slow cooker. In a couple of days I’m making a layered eggplant and tomato dish from Melissa Clark’s Dinner cookbook from which I’ve liked most of the recipes I’ve tried. I bought the ingredients to make Sticky Toffee Pudding from the Smitten Kitchen website (I’ve made this before and loved it) over the recent holiday, but there were so many other sweets around that I didn’t, so I’ll probably do that next weekend… I planned to make a full version and wouldn’t have even had room for the completed dish in my fridge a couple of weeks back!

    17. Rosyglasses*

      I just made the Broccoli, Chickpea, and Halloumi bake from One Pot, One Planet cookbook. It has ingredients I haven’t really cooked with or combined before – but it is SO good! This combines roasted chickpeas with a combination of spices, orange zest, orange juice, olive oil – then you add in purple broccoli (similar to broccolini), pumpkin seeds, and a block of halloumi cheese to broil for 10 minutes. When done, drizzle the halloumi with some honey, and sprinkle pomegranate seeds and a tahini/zest/orange juice/olive oil dressing. I’m having a hard time leaving some for my husband to eat when he gets home!

  14. Forensic13*

    Can anyone recommend any shorter nonfiction articles/videos that are about somebody investigating a seemingly trivial piece of information, mostly for the joy of figuring things out?

    Things along the lines of Reply All’s “The Case of the Missing Hit,” hhbomberguy’s look at the Roblox “Oof” noise (though hopefully shorter,) etc.

    Thanks!

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t have a specific article or video but look up Steve Feltham, Loch Ness monster expert :)

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      Patrick Radden Keefe, who wrote “Say Nothing” and “Empire of Pain”, has an excellent podcast called Wind of Change, which investigates whether the CIA wrote the Scorpion’s song by the same name.

      Starlee Kine had the amazing “Mystery Show”, which was produced by Gimlet Media years ago and each week, she investigated a different question that was not google-able.

      In a similar vein, PJ Vogt (who previously worked at Gimlet Media) has “Search Engine”, which investigates different questions, like how can someone get into the most exclusive nightclub in Berlin or where did all the roaches go. (Also has more serious episodes)

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Wind of Change is great, I’m currently about halfway through it.

        In a similar vein, last year I listened to a great podcast called The Interruption, which is an investigation into who could have hijacked a TV broadcast in the 1970s to broadcast a message from someone claiming to be an alien.

    3. Angstrom*

      Maybe some of John McPhee’s collections? Uncommon Carriers, Irons in the Fire, Table of Contents, Silk Parachute, etc.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        In Tabula Rasa, McPhee takes one or a few pages each to discuss a large number of articles that he didn’t write, for one reason or another: a brief summary of the subject, an interesting fact or three, and why he didn’t write about it. He did a bit of research and there wasn’t enough there, or there was too much there and he never had the time to do the job right, or the editor he pitched it to said no.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Watching The Art of Design, reliably the most fascinating episodes were the ones where my reaction to the topic was not “Wow that sounds so fascinating” but “I don’t see how you can possibly get an episode out of that.” You could!

    4. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      I really enjoyed Tyler Vigen’s blog post about “The Mystery of the Bloomfield Bridge”, which simply asks why there’s a pedestrian footbridge in a certain location. Neither the location nor the bridge are in any way interesting, but the article itself is! Link: https://tylervigen.com/the-mystery-of-the-bloomfield-bridge

      Then there’s the annual list of things Tom Whitwell has learned in a year, which is a good source for links ranging from ordinary tidbits to more substantial findings: https://medium.com/@tomwhitwell

    5. Dear Liza dear liza*

      Podcasts:

      99% Invisible, particularly the “Who Let the Dogs Out” episode (tries to figure out who really wrote the song)

      Decoder Ring, esp the episode about the mullet and trying to find its etymology.

      Endless Thread. Dedicated to ‘solving mysteries of the Internet.’

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      There was a segment on This American Life a couple of years ago about someone going on a quest to find the hold music you get when you call a lot of doctors’ offices.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      Oh, and there are a lot of episodes of Slate’s Decoder Ring and One Year podcasts that fit this bill too!

    8. Don't make me come over there*

      Alex Goldman from Reply All has a new podcast called Hyperfixed that might be interesting to you.

    9. Rocky*

      “Ulterior Motives: Everyone Knows That” is a five part podcast on Spotify and other platforms, about the search for a song. Not the same one you mentioned. It’s totally fascinating.

    10. RumbleSticks*

      A podcast, but “Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding” is HILARIOUS and a deep investigation into who pooped on the floor at a couple’s wedding. The wedding was on a boat, so it is a closed cast of characters.

  15. Anono-me*

    Remember to check your spam. I just found my $14.xx Verizon Class Action Settlement check in my spam folder.

    3. Generic Name*

      I got approx $7 from a different class action lawsuit, except you had to sign up to get a gift card to only be used at a particular website that seemed to only exist for the class action lawsuit. Seemed scammy, so I didn’t bother to sign up.

    4. Harlowe*

      My professional certification renewal notice went to spam last month — despite me whitelisting the sender, who I only hear from once per year. If she hadn’t gone to the trouble of calling me to see why I hadn’t responded (way outside her job description and greatly appreciated!) my license would have lapsed.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Oddly The Spanish Inquisition, normally quite cagey, has decided she is into tummy rubs. She will chirp at my husband until he arranges himself properly on the couch to give the tummy rub.

      2. Lissa Landon*

        Same, when it is offered, I can rub it, but only for exactly the correct amount of time, which is different every time, and after which slashing ensues.

  17. Esprit de l'escalier*

    I have a question about my neti pot. It’s a NasoPure (a plastic tube with a spout), and I was fairly regular about using it until the spout stopped working properly after years of use. I dithered about what to get to replace it and finally ordered another NasoPure container, but there was a gap of a few months with no neti pot. Now, I experience a very unpleasant burning sensation in my nostril when I squirt the saline solution in, which was not a problem previously. Any suggestions for ameliorating this?

    1. Shiny Penny*

      For me the burning has always been caused by the salt being wrong— both too much salt, and too little. Could it be that for you?

      1. Saltysalty*

        I second this! Or the salt not being properly and completely dissolved, so the salt content is uneven. Maybe your new thing has a slightly different volume than your old thing?

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      If you can get that burn from either too much or too little salt … hmm. I’ll see what happens if I use half the salt.

    5. Maryn*

      I agree, there’s either too much or too little salt in your water.

      The salt-to-water ratio for neti pots is 1 tsp: 16 ounces. How much does the NasoPure hold? You can do the math, I’m sure.

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        This worked! My NasoPure holds 8 ounces of water so I used 1/2 tsp of the salt and NO BURN! Thank you for this very practical tip.

  18. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’re reading, and give or request recs.

    I just finished a book I learned about from this thread: The Teller of Small Fortunes by Iulie Leong. It was a delightful cozy fantasy read and I loved it. I wish I could go back and start it over again for the first time.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I just finished The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane for book club. It was fine. Parts of the story were really compelling and it was a great way to learn about a culture I’d never even heard of before, but it also feels like one of those historical fictions where the author doesn’t want any of their research to go to waste so they just info dump whether it helps the story or not. It was also themed around the idea of coincidences and while some of them made a lot of sense and added to the story, it got pretty eye-rolly by the end.

    2. Me And I*

      I also just finished The Teller of Small Fortunes! I adored the first half but felt the back half was a little rushed and too tidy. Still really enjoyed it.

      Also recently finished The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst – another nice comforting read.

      1. ferrina*

        I’m currently reading The Teller of Small Fortunes! I’m just under halfway through, and absolutely loving it.

          1. ferrina*

            Okay, I finished it, and I loved it! The pheonix adventure was a weird detour and really unnecessary, but I liked the Margrave part more than I thought I would.
            The whole thing ended up being very cozy, which I thought was the right vibe to go with. It definitely felt more like a middle-grade fantasy than an adult fantasy (reminiscent of Lloyd Alexander), but I’m not mad at that. I’m thinking I might read it to my kids.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      In the hot nights in the middle of summer I always want to read noir stories and nobody does it like Raymond Chandler… His prose is so dry and so talented. I’m currently reading The High Window and next up is The Big Sleep.

    5. Helvetica*

      Someone gifted me Hernan Diaz’ “Trust” and I see all the blurbs about how it is amazing and a masterpiece, and it won the Pulitzer Prize but I just…don’t connect to it. Maybe I need to continue reading but at least the first part seems so incredibly boring, especially the style of it is not captivating at all.
      Anyone else read it and enjoyed it and can tell me to keep going?

      1. Seashell*

        I started it and similarly found the beginning boring, so I did not finish it, so I am probably not the person you want to hear from.

      2. word nerd*

        I had mixed feelings about it, but in the end I’m glad I finished it because all the various layers/versions and how they come together is pretty cool. My ambivalence is from the fact that I never felt very emotionally connected to the characters, and my appreciation was mostly intellectual–my brain got some exercise putting all the pieces together and I appreciate that it was an impressive technical feat by the author, plus some of the themes are interesting (like what it says about women’s voices and how official and unofficial narratives differ). But if that doesn’t sound that fun to you, feel free to put it down. :)

        1. word nerd*

          I forgot to say, different parts of the book are narrated by different characters with their own voices, so just because you didn’t like the first part doesn’t mean you might not enjoy the later parts.

          1. Orange*

            I didn’t especially enjoy reading it, but I’m really glad I finished it and I love it in retrospect. I’m all for setting books aside, but this one may be worth it.

      3. RedinSC*

        We read this for my book club. It was mixed, several of us did not connect with it, the others really enjoyed it and the writing.

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I just finished The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields, which was chosen for my book club. It took me a while to warm up to it, I liked the middle best. It is basically the story of one woman’s life and checks in on her once a decade from birth to death, but it’s really querying how much we can even write a biography or know what’s happening in someone’s life, and it does this by going into lots of detail about the lives of other people around her, their emotions, and their thoughts about the main character and what they think she is thinking and feeling. It also uses both stone and gardens as motifs throughout. At the beginning I think I just didn’t like most of the characters, and while it picked up, I find I did miss more sustained interactions between the characters.

    7. Angstrom*

      Just finished The Lions of Winter, Ty Gagne’s latest book about a rescue on Mt. Washington. Good if you like that level of detail — I do, and read with a trail map open to try to understand and learn. His first book, Where You’ll Find Me, is highly recommended for anyone who likes solo hikes in the mountains.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m reading Circe by Madeline Miller, a Christmas present. So far really well done. I was struck that, as on Kaos, the Greek gods openly advocate tormenting the humans because then they give better sacrifices.

      3. Rara Avis*

        My kiddo just was told the choices for their Senior English electives, and one is Greek myth, with Circe as one of the readings.

    9. Evvy*

      Just finished Pets and the City by Dr Amy Attas after being on the waitlist on Libby for aaages. It was a fun read! I was surprised by how much of it was about celebrities—she met a LOT of celebs haha. Fictionwise I’ve been making my way through The King’s Peace by Jo Walton. I’ve loved everything she’s ever written and this is no exception, but it is definitely heavier and a bit slower going than some of her other work. Really interesting worldbuilding for an alternate-universe-type retelling of the King Arthur legend with a female knight protagonist POV

    10. Seashell*

      I am 3/4 of the way through I Will Do Better: A Father’s Memoir of Heartbreak, Parenting, and Love by Charles Bock. On the plus side, it’s a quick read. On the down side, the author seems like a jerk. I’m totally sympathetic to people having a hard time with parenting or being annoyed by others, and especially so in this case, since the book takes place after his wife dies from cancer. However, considering that his own description of his behavior/personality is enough for me to find him moderately unpleasant even under the circumstances, I would imagine he’s even less amiable in real life.

      1. Me And I*

        Have you read Leslie Jamison’s Splinters? Charles Bock married Jamison after his first wife died, and this is her memoir about their split/divorce. From what I remember, the book isn’t meant to be a catalogue of his faults, but what she does say about what he says to her makes him seem like a real jerk.

        1. IT Manager*

          Idea for a book club – “pair memoirs”, where both partners have written memoirs, so you could sort of fact check a little, or just get the lesson that whatever someone looks like from the outside is probably not the whole story.

          Now I kinda want to do this … anyone know any other pairs or overlapping memoirs? Parent/child maybe?

          1. Seashell*

            Cher’s autobiography might be too long for a book club, but Sonny also wrote a memoir many years ago.

            Priscilla Presley & Lisa Marie Presley both had memoirs.

            Ann Patchett wrote Truth & Beauty: A Friendship about her friend Lucy Grealy, who also wrote her own memoir called Autobiography of a Face. I read & liked them both.

          2. Higher-ed Jessica*

            Twin YA memoirs by a trans couple from 2014:
            Rethinking Normal: A Memoir in Transition, by Katie Rain Hill.
            Some Assembly Required: The Not-So-Secret Life of a Transgender Teen, by Arin Andrews.

        2. Seashell*

          I haven’t, but it sounds interesting. His book made it sound like he only agreed to have a child to appease his late wife, so I’m surprised he would opt to do that again.

    11. PhyllisB*

      I just finished The Treasure Hunter’s Clu by Tom Ryan. Stayed up until nearly 2am finishing it.
      If you ever liked Gothics, you will probably like this one.

    12. GoryDetails*

      The Great Air Race: Glory, Tragedy, and the Dawn of American Aviation by John Lancaster, about the Great Transcontinental Air Race of 1919 – a round-trip race across the US. Taking place just after the end of WWI, it challenged the pilots to deal with unfamiliar terrain and often-dangerous weather.

      The Green Man of Eshwood Hall by Jacob Kerr: I thought this was going to be “a child finds new interest in the wild places after her family uproots her and moves to a house by an ancient wood” – and, yes, that’s a little of it – but it’s also a very dark look at a well-meaning-but-dysfunctional family, with what might be supernatural elements. Overall I liked it, but it gets quite grim.

      Landlines: The Remarkable Story of a Thousand-Mile Journey Across Britain by Raynor Winn, a follow-on to her book The Salt Path; both deal with treks along the UK’s footpaths with her husband, whose degenerative brain disease symptoms seemed to improve dramatically while doing the hikes. Lovely prose about the rigors of the trails, the beauty of the country, and the challenges – and joys – of her relationship with her husband.

      Carrying-around book:

      The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry, a historical novel blending 19th-century paleontology, folk tales about a gigantic serpent, and a set of interpersonal relationships. So far I’m finding the language quite enticing. (2025 is the Year of the Snake in the Asian zodiac, so snake-themed books are on my list!)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Have you read Bill Bryson’s One Summer? He talks a lot about that air race and aviation in general.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Yes, I have! Bryson’s book focuses on 1927 but does include a lot of backstory, including on early aviation. Definitely worth a look – I love Bryson’s work.

          1. epicdemiologist*

            His “A Walk in the Woods” about hiking the Appalachian Trail made me laugh out loud often.

    13. PhyllisB*

      Also finished Now or Never by Janet Evonivich. Classic Stephanie, but I feel like the ending was just of rushed.

    14. word nerd*

      Thanks to whoever recommended The Clairvoyant Countess by Dorothy Gilman last week–I listened to it overnight while I was sick and had trouble sleeping, and it was the perfect thing to keep my mind off my sore muscles. I’ll probably listen to A Nun in the Closet next since it doesn’t look like Kaleidoscope is offered as an audiobook.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Love the Mrs. Pollifax series!! If you enjoy those, Simon Brett has a series of Mrs. Parmeter books. I may not have her name exactly right because it’s been years since I read them, but if you look it up you will see the correct name.

        1. ferrina*

          I also loved Mrs. Pollifax! When I read The Thursday Murder Club, Joyce reminded me a lot of Mrs. Pollifax. Absolutely delightful!
          The Clairvoyant Countess is fabulous- I reread that one every few years.
          Thanks for the recco on Mrs. Parmeter(?) I’ll look that up!

          1. Higher-ed Jessica*

            It’s Pargeter, and she’s delightful! She’s the widow of a career criminal (you never meet the guy, he’s dead when the series begins, but I could readily envision him as a character from any classic crime-caper novel) who was held in high esteem by his mates, and all the members of his old gang are always there for Mrs. P to call on in time of need. Not that she does so often, because she’s pretty capable of dealing with almost anything herself. She’s an older woman who has plenty of money but understands what it’s for, and is out to shamelessly enjoy life.

      2. Dontbeadork*

        I don’t remember — did you try Thale’s Folly? I liked it better than Kaleidoscope, although I did enjoy both.

        Gilman created delightful characters that were both quirky and relatable.

        If you haven’t tried them, I will also recommend Charlotte MacLeod/Alisa Craig, although they are rather fluffier than Gilman.

    15. allathian*

      Jakob, the third book in Satu Rämö’s Hildur series set in Iceland. The author’s Finnish and writes in Finnish, but she’s lived in Iceland for more than 20 years and she’s fluent in the language thanks to her Icelandic family.

      The book weaves several different threads into a seamless whole that felt natural rather than contrived.

      Jakob’s ex is a narcissist who’s making it impossible for him to see his son. In a custody trial in Finland he’s overheard saying he wishes she were dead, and when she turns up dead, guess who’s the prime suspect? He ends up calling Hildur, the only person he feels he can trust, and she agrees to help although she’s hampered by not knowing any Finnish and by being forced to work as an amateur. Meanwhile on Iceland someone’s bleeding pregnant mares for the hormones in their blood on a scale that’s harming them…

    16. cleo*

      I’ve read two books in 2025 – Make the Season Bright by Ashley Herring Blake and Everyone I Kissed Since You Got Famous by Mae Marvel.

      Both of them are relatively new, very buzzy sapphic romances that I wanted to like more than I actually did. They were both solid Bs for me, but I didn’t think either was *amazing*. Not completely sure if the problem was with the actual books or the ridiculously high expectations. Most likely, I’ve just read a lot (a lot!) of queer romance and I have really specific tastes and neither really hit me.

    17. Teapot Translator*

      I reread Thus Was Adonis Murdered by Sarah Caudwell. I’d forgotten how good and funny it was.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I *love* Caudwell’s works – and “Adonis” was my favorite. (Some of her short stories appear in anthologies – also good.)

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Still in the middle of *The Secret Adversary*, a Tommy and Tuppence adventure by Agatha Christie. It’s okay — I think I read it when I was younger. Not a heavy murder mystery but more of a “who’s the hidden villain” kind of mystery. But perfectly fine to read in the tub to take one’s mind off things.

      Up next might be Dominique Dunne’s roman a clef *The Two Mrs. Grenvilles*, which I have always meant to read.

      Alternately, I just bought what I think is the first Discworld book. I’ve never read any Terry Pratchett before, and science fiction and fantasy are not genres that I normally reach much, but the commenters on this thread have been so enthusiastic that I thought I should give the Discworld books a go!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, AND I finished Fredrik Backman’s *Anxious People*, which I strongly recommend! It’s set in Sweden where a failed bank robbery leads the bank robber to flee into what turns into a genial hostage-taking situation. There is a little mild mystery about how the bank robber disappeared after letting the hostages go. I feel like it’s kind of a reworking of *Bel Canto*, like what if *Bel Canto* had had more of a happy ending. It’s maybe just a tad TOO feel-good and tied up neatly with a bow, but overall, I really liked it.

        1. SSC*

          I loved that book, mostly the relationships that developed and endured afterward. I found that book after A Man Called Ove.

      2. Lady Alys*

        Please persevere wrt Terry Pratchett – it took a few books for him to find the style that worked. I’d recommend starting with “Guards! Guards!” and going from there. SO worth it.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Yeah, Guards! Guards! was my gateway to the Discworld, and is still a favorite.

          For those who enjoy fairytale-reimaginings, Witches Abroad would make a good starting point.

        2. Angstrom*

          Agree. “The Colour of Magic” and “The Light Fantastic” are obvious parodies of common fantasy tropes. Those and the other Rincewind books are not my favorites. It took a while for him to find his own style and voice.
          But when he did find his voice…the dread portal scene at the start of “Guards! Guards! makes me smile just thinking about it.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Okay, however this book goes for me, I’ll make sure I read *Guards! Guards!* as well to give him a good shot!

            1. Autumn*

              I love the Tiffany Aching subseries. It was published as teen fic, but that’s just marketing. It’s as complex as any of the other sequences, and arguably darker. He was nearing the end, and knew it. Also, Tiffany is just badass.

          2. allathian*

            Interesting, because I really like all the Rincewind/Unseen University books, but I can take or leave the witch books. I’ve been halfway through Lords & Ladies for about two years, although I really enjoyed Witches Abroad….

          3. carcinization*

            Yeah, I couldn’t get through The Colour of Magic at all, after trying very hard for at least 1/3 of its length, so I gave up (I’d say this was a decade or so ago). And I read some heavy/ponderous stuff for fun for sure (i.e., Gene Wolfe’s New Sun and such are faves… but I like other stuff with a sense of humour at times such as Swanwick). Maybe I’ll get around to trying the other ones someday. Yes, even at the time I remember hearing it was not the right place to start.

    19. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished Matt Haig’s The Life Impossible this week. It was fine, with some beautiful passages and an interesting idea, but I had issues with the plot wrap up and motives of the villain. I read a few stories in the collection A Sunny place for shady people, by Argentinian author Mariana Enriquez, but there was a lot of body horror.

    20. Lemonwhirl*

      I just finished “The Winner” by Teddy Wayne. It’s set in the summer of 2020 and is about a 25-year old working class kid who just finished law school 144k in debt and he takes a job for the summer giving tennis lessons in a very old money gated community in New England. He becomes involved with a middle aged heiress and also a woman closer to his age – and then things get veerrrry twisty. It’s got a mid-century noir vibe, in spite of the present day setting, but I mean that in the best possible way. Highly recommend it.

      And now I’m about 1/3 of the way into a book called “Havoc” by Christopher Bollen. It’s about an octogenarian who is living in a hotel in Luxor during Covid times, having fled a hotel in the Swiss Alps. She’s a bit of a meddler and apparently, she’s about to meet her match in a new guest, an 8 year old boy. The plot hasn’t taken off yet, but the writing and characters are really holding my interest.

    21. LynnP*

      The kingdom, the power, and the glory by Tim Alberta
      A well trained wife by Tia Levings
      Clap when you land by Elizabeth Acevedo
      I am not your perfect Mexican daughter by Erika Sanchez
      A good family by AH Kim
      First lie wins by Ashley Elston

    22. goddessoftransitory*

      Just started about a million books:

      Black Ghosts: A Journey Into the Lives of Africans in China, by Noo Saro-Wiwa. It’s a fascinating nonfiction account of Nigerians living and working in China’s EDZ, by a Black British woman. Enthralling!

      Nathaniel Hawthorne’s collection: Twice Told Tales, The Scarlet Letter and House of the Seven Gables. Hawthorne is definitely an author I had to learn to appreciate, simply because his style is so Early American, but once you get the swing of his voice he’s very funny and entertaining.

      My Best Friend’s Exorcism and How to Sell a Haunted House, both by Grady Hendrix. He’s really a riot and captures that essence of the 1980s so well, but can get very intense and even though his stuff isn’t designed to be “heavy” I sometimes have to take a break.

    23. chocolate muffins*

      The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal. A Jewish person incarcerated in a concentration camp during World War II is taken to see a dying Nazi that he’s never met before who asks for forgiveness. The second half of the book is eassays by various people about whether or not the author had an obligation to forgive. Very thought-provoking and I’m curious what people here think, if you all have thoughts on this topic. One perspective represented in this book is that you can’t forgive something that didn’t happen to you, so this one Jewish person could not forgive a harm that the Nazi committed against other Jewish people – that comes closest to my own view, I think, but I wonder what others think.

      1. Jackalope*

        One of the things that struck me when reading that book was the difference in what forgiveness meant to the Jewish vs Christian authors. For Christians the idea was that you’d let go of your anger and bitterness against someone, regardless of what they did afterward. For Jewish people, the offending party had to do everything in their power to undo what they’d done and make amends before you could forgive them. If I remember correctly there were two things that couldn’t be forgiven: destroying someone’s reputation and murder.

        I was definitely raised with the Christian understanding, and I don’t like the idea that no one can forgive those two things, not even God (which is what I understood the Jewish authors to be saying, although this was many years ago). On the other hand, the Christian idea of forgiveness lets offenders off the hook in a way that’s not always good or healthy, so I can’t get 100% behind it either. And from today’s way of looking at things, it was not really okay to make this one Jewish person have to take on the representation of their whole society just to make the dying person (not using the name of the group he was in so I don’t trigger the moderation recs) feel better about himself. One thing about seeking forgiveness and reconciliation is that sometimes you have to let your new, changed life and new community be the reward rather than restoration with the people you harmed.

        1. IT Manager*

          I’ve come around to “reparations first, and then we can talk about forgiveness” – though to your point, sometimes reparation can’t/shouldn’t be directly to the person/group you’ve harmed. But it should be *something*.

          Talk Show Culture wants to get to an easy reconciliation, but forgiveness has to be based on enough time to show you’ve changed and aren’t going to do it again IMO.

          What an interesting thought exercise for a book!

          1. Jackalope*

            One of the things that helps me a bit is that there are two definitions I’ve seen of forgiveness depending on the circumstances. One is the letting go of that person’s actions living rent-free in your mind, for lack of a better term, and not feeling the poison of bitterness. The other is the more usual reconciliation and restored relationship that we tend to think of. You can go for the first one by yourself to give yourself more peace, and that’s fine. The second one involves some level of reparations, a true understanding on the part of the person who offended of what they did, and also an understanding that there will possibly be consequences for what they did that will be ongoing (for example, the person who was hurt may not trust them for awhile, or may not ever fully trust them again in that one area, and they can’t force it and say, “But I said I’m sorry!” and expect that that will magically fix it). The toxic thing with forgiveness in current Christian circles is that they often expect that an offender will say sorry and now the slate is wiped clean and the hurt person can no longer have any negative feelings about it in any way, even if they keep repeating the same (kind of) action.

            (I’m less familiar with the Jewish ideas around forgiveness other than from this particular book so won’t comment on them.)

        2. Jay (no, the other one)*

          It’s been a while since I read that book (a long while) and I see forgiveness and reconciliation as completely different. I’m Jewish, and my understanding is that in our tradition, Gd only forgives sins against Gd. If I harm someone else, they have to forgive me – except that if I ask sincerely three times and they do not forgive me, then I can ask Gd for forgiveness. It’s true that Jewish tradition does not teach us to turn the other cheek.

          I thought it was that book that taught me that forgiveness is something I give to myself – it’s a version of not allowing someone to live rent-free in my head. I let go of my anger and resentment and stop wishing for a different past. That doesn’t mean I forget and it doesn’t mean that I am required to remain in relationship with the person who harmed me. Reconciliation requires forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          That’s an interesting distinction because I remember reading that in Islam, you had to do good works to atone for past sins–late-arriving intentions to do good works were not sufficient. The former resonated with me a lot more–or as IT Manager says, atone first, and then we can talk about forgiveness.

    24. Rara Avis*

      I’ve been reading Liz Moore — loved The God of the Woods, enjoyed Long Bright River, loved The Unseen World, which manages to combine coming of age, AI, McCarthyism and the House Unamerican Activities Committee.

    25. Blooper*

      I finished Kindred by Octavia Butler and it was excellent. Might be the best book I’ve read this year (even though 2025 just started!). I can see why Octavia Butler comes highly recommended. Amusingly, one user’s review from my library’s database is “Black slave time travel”.

      I’m currently on The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides and I’m really into it. I truly feel the ‘thriller’ genre. I’m especially enjoying the psychotherapy tidbits. For me, the hype is real.

      I have a feeling AskAManager peeps will like A Good Day to Pie by Mischa Popp because it feels like watching The Great British Bake Off with cozy murder mystery baked in.

    26. carcinization*

      I’ve been wanting to read Wiswell’s Someone You Can Build a Nest In since before it came out, didn’t get it for Christmas so bought a copy for myself, just started it today. Yesterday I finished Morton’s The Clockmaker’s Daughter, since we’ll be talking about it at book club on Thursday… not my usual kind of book, but I liked it decently/found it fairly interesting… the writing was of better quality than I expected, I guess.

  19. Be the Change*

    I have a dilemma. I am intensely introverted. My husband is quite extroverted and wants all the time and attention, he talks *a lot* and loves attention and active company. In the past I was happy to have a little time apart when he or I would travel or something!

    But now with everything going on in the world (gestures sadly around), I cannot stand to be apart. I canceled a conference talk this weekend because I didn’t want to leave him (admittedly we are rather near to the LA fires, too).

    Two mutually exclusive needs. How to balance?

    1. Double A*

      I actually don’t understand what needs are conflicting here. It sounds like he’s happy to have attention all the time? And you want to be around him all the time? Is it that he wants to also be around other people and you don’t?

        1. Nicosloanicota*

          So you want space and quiet (like, you are in another room / she shed) but not to be physically separated from the husband over a distance that would create difficulties in emergencies. I don’t think that seems unreasonable for periods of upheaval, which I would call this current period at least where I live, with the change in administration, and is also true for anyone in SoCal, or in places affected by Helene. But if it was an ongoing thing forever, it’s something I would work on for my own benefit – but it depends on you whether having clearer emergency planning or like personal mindfulness practice would be more helpful. IMO.

      2. Be the Change*

        And I should clarify, this is MY problem and dilemma, not my husband’s. He is always happy to be together, and is also entirely kind.

    2. WS*

      My partner and I are both introverted, but I am much more introverted than her. Sometimes I like to be in the same place as her when she’s doing something with company but I’m not interacting – like, she’ll be playing boardgames with friends and I’ll be in the same house but not playing boardgames.

    3. KathyG*

      Does it work to be in the same place, but not necessarily interacting? Each of you doing your own thing, perhaps just in different rooms?

      Or perhaps you could try viewing these needs as things that ebb & flow. This too will pass.

      1. Jenesis*

        Parallel play FTW! My husband and I will sometimes do this, where we’ll sit next to each other on a couch or the bed while separately playing games/reading on our phones.

        (Ironically, him wearing headphones or a closed door between us tends to spike my anxiety. Go figure.)

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes! It sounds like you are feeling a bit like a typical cat — it’s soothing to be together in the same place, but you want not to be having his attention focused on you (and not have him expect that your attention will be focused on him) all the time.

    4. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Can he do some activities outside of the house that give you evenings or weekend times at home? I’m the extrovert and sometimes I feel bad leaving my husband when I go to church, yoga class, the pool, book club, getting a drink with a friend, even just going to a coffeeshop on my own to read or journal with that ‘buzz’ around me, but we’ve figured out I REALLY need that ‘out’ time, while he really needs those times I am away to putter and relax at home.

      We’ve also gotten better at doing separate activities at home and thankfully we’re both big readers so we have easy quiet together time

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        One of the reasons I’ve been married as long as I have is that Husband’s and my work schedules leave us both chunks of alone time at home during the week–we both NEED that zone of “no one to make loud remarks about the show I’m watching” and similar.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Yeah as the extroverted one it’s only recently I’ve been realizing that I also need home and alone time and almost never get any!

    5. strawberry lemonade*

      I’m not sure there’s like, a balancing here: it sounds like anxiety! Two vitally important needs battling it out, and…people outside your head don’t quite understand why they’re so important.

      The needs are real, but (if I’m characterizing this okay) needing the comfort of your partner to the extent that you’re cancelling stuff and changing your habits, is an indication that something is amiss.

      Anxiety is a familiar friend to me and I think I see her standing by you as well. Sorry for poking my nose in if that’s not the case!!

      1. WellRed*

        I agree with this. It may just be the fact if the fires but beyond that, if it continues, you might need to try therapy or something.

      3. Be the Change*

        Oh my, you have put this so well. I had not considered actual anxiety as a factor. Thank you for the thought!

        1. Nicosloanicota*

          It can be informative to gently explore these things a little. Where does the anxiety kick in. A night apart where he drives across town and comes home late? Both being out in separate cities? An overnight apart, but not so far apart that you couldn’t easily drive? A flight apart?

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        I found really compelling the depiction of anxiety in Inside Out 2. (It’s one of the emotions that shows up for puberty.)

        At a workable level, anxiety helps you with long-range planning. You consider complicated long-range scenarios, and the steps that would need to happen to bring them about. You consider how to avoid problems that are rare but fatal, like sabretooths on the path to the nearest water. (Fear handles “Ack sabretooth! Run!” but not the long-range planning around “Sure it’s unlikely, but what if a sabretooth…”)

        At a nonworkable level, you spin and spin inside a tornado of your own making, helpfully free of outside inputs as to whether any of this is rational.

    6. Not A Manager*

      How long has this been going on? There’s been a lot of ~ waves hands ~ in the past few years and there’s going to be more. If this is a temporary crisis, I’d say just try to get some time and space in your own place of comfort. Stay home with your husband, but take a long hot bath, or read in bed with your headphones on, etc. Maybe go for a solitary walk if you can tolerate that, or get coffee on your own.

      If this has been going on for a while, or if you can’t stand to be out of emotional contact with your husband even to the extent that I suggested, or if you can’t truly relax even in his company, then I think you need to find some outside support for yourself. Your anxiety isn’t misplaced, but you might benefit from some additional coping mechanisms.

    7. EA*

      Ideally the extrovert could have regular activities that get him out of the house and socializing with others would help (but locally, not travel). There are tons of options out there… monthly book club, sports or exercise, really whatever interests him. I would also encourage him to look at volunteering. That way, you know you’ll get a couple hours of alone time each week.

  20. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Also, a question for you: are there any stock game motifs or rules or whatever that you personally really enjoy or dislike? For example, I don’t like the one person in charge of making a popularity vote which is what Apples to Apples feels like, and many other similarly styled games. But I do enjoy games like Pandemic where you’re racing against the clock with your fellow gamers to achieve a goal. Or in video games, I really enjoy the characterization of the characters in RPGs, but am less fond of games that don’t let you grind a bit and force you to be clever instead. Things like that.

    This week I spent a lot of time playing Fell Seal: Arbiter’s Mark. It’s a fun game in the style of Final Fantasy Tactics, and I’m enjoying working my way through it.

    1. Amber Rose*

      I developed an obsession with My Time at Sandrock and have not been able to stop.

      I haven’t got the ability to focus on more intensive games these days, and although I enjoyed Metaphor Refantazio I ultimately didn’t finish it, so I’ve been focusing on cozy games. Once I manage to let go of Sandrock I plan to start Potion Permit.

    2. FrontlinER*

      Went back to Spiritfarer after blazing through grinding perfection in Stardew 1.6. It’s been years since I’ve touched Spiritfarer but I forgot how pleasant of a game that is. I’ve been happily enjoying my time there.

    3. Jenesis*

      Getting really close to the end of Metaphor: ReFantazio, and looking for additional JRPG (or similar) recommendations!

      My husband and I don’t play a lot of the same video games (he likes shooters and high APM gameplay, I very much do not), so generally our collaborative gaming time consists of him holding the controller while I give input on any strategic or story-based decisions.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I don’t like game where you can’t win, you can only lose. Of the only way to win is for everyone else to lose. Like Jenga.

  21. Esprit de l'escalier*

    I have finally used up my stash of No. 10 self-sealing security envelopes (for my personal use at home). I bought a box of Mead envelopes via amazon but I don’t like them at all. Compared to my old envelopes, the paper is very thin and lightweight, and they feel awfully cheap and flimsy. I’m kind of a stationery nerd and I want more substantial No. 10s than these Mead envelopes, but I can’t confidently evaluate what’s available online.

    Can anyone recommend a good-quality brand of these envelopes or a more specialized source that would carry better quality envelopes? I am not hunting for the lowest possible price since a box of 100 will last for years. (They don’t seem to come in fewer than 100.)

    1. Not A Manager*

      Any chance you can get to a bricks and mortar store like Office Depot or similar? It’s easy to open the box and just feel the product without harming it if you don’t make a purchase. I think an employee will even open one for you if you ask.

        1. LBD*

          A local print shop would be able to show you envelopes of different paper weight. That could help you order online if the manufacturer includes that information. If they don’t, it probably isn’t a particularly sturdy paper!

    2. Enough*

      I have a Staples that seem pretty good and I believe they come in smaller quantities if you can go to a store. Also you could consider getting Kraft (‘manilla’ color) ones. They come in 50 ct on Staples. Also try the JAM Paper variety. I have some Kraft from them and regular white that I like.

  22. WoodswomanWrites*

    For all affected by the Los Angeles fires, whether personally or supporting loved ones, I don’t have any magic words but this internet stranger is thinking of you.

    6. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Thank you. I live just a mile from the flashpoint of the “Kenneth” fire. Fortunately, by that time, they had air support, and diverted enough of it to stomp on it so it wouldn’t get out of control like Eaton and Palisades.

      My ex fortunately moved a couple of years ago — fortunate because her former house, that I spent much time in, is now ashes. I also have a good friend from Altadena whose home is leveled as well. My niece's synagogue was also leveled. All three by the Eaton fire.

      So knowing that someone is thinking of us is helpful.

    7. ElastiGirl*

      Thank you. We had to evacuate for the Eaton Fire, but are back home and safe now. But I have many friends who have lost everything. And my kids’ hometown burned to the ground.

      Some people online have been unbelievably nasty (California should all burn down! This is all on purpose to make a statement about climate change, which isn’t real! Who cares if celebrities lose everything they own! All those rich woke Californians deserve this!)…. So a kind word is appreciated.

      I think people don’t realize how utterly huge LA is. The scale of this catastrophe is hard to fathom. The Great Chicago Fire was 3 square miles. The island of Manhattan is about 23 square miles. The two major fires in LA are a total of 57 square miles — so far.

      It will take many years for the destroyed communities to recover. Many people’s lives will be crippled for many, many years. Hundreds of thousands of people are all a bit PTSD right now. I love my city deeply, and this will change its face forever….

  23. Mutually supportive*

    Fraud and scamming and identity theft :(

    The password that I used to use for many things has been in a data breach (yes, I know that’s not good practice, I haven’t used that password for new accounts for ages but never got around to changing it for older accounts).

    I found out a few days ago because I had an email from netflix to reactivate my account, which I haven’t used for at least a year. That was quickly followed by “we’ve changed your email address” and “we’ve changed your mobile number” and when I checked, the subscription fee had just left my account.
    I got on to the bank ASAP and they were helpful, blocked the transaction and cancelled that card so although they now have my netflix account, they can’t do anything with it (or can they, am I missing something here)?

    I spent the rest of that evening going through and changing all the passwords for accounts that might have used that original password.

    This morning I’ve had an email that they got into my Instagram account. I’ve been able to go in and change that password now too (insta doesn’t let a new device make changes for the first 48 hours), but it took a few attempts to be confident that I’d changed it with Insta themselves (rather than on a scammer phishing link) and now I’m full of adrenaline and a bit worried about what else they might come after and how long before they give up on *me* and move on.

    So,
    – Is there anything else I should be doing now to protect myself? (not what I should/shouldn’t have done in the past, it’s too late for that), and
    – How to I keep my adrenaline calm so I can relax this weekend!?
    – How do people manage to use different passwords on each account across multiple devices, and actually keep track of what they all are?

    1. David*

      Well the answer to your last question is easy: use a password manager. A password manager is a program that stores passwords for you, along with the associated usernames, the websites they go into, and any other information you want to add (security questions and answers, expiration dates, whatever). They have mobile phone apps, browser plugins, and desktop apps, which makes it fairly convenient to access any password whenever and wherever you need it. 1password and Bitwarden are a couple of the most trusted ones these days, but there are many good options. (Not LastPass. They used to be quite popular but it turned out they were using some atrocious security practices and hiding it. The ones I mentioned earlier are more transparent about how they work and have a better reputation because of it.)

      Alternatively, you could write your passwords in a book, on paper, but if someone steals the book (or you lose it) you’re out of luck. Still, that works for some people.

      I don’t think I can offer much help on how to relax (maybe do something to take your mind off it, I guess?), but as far as other things you can do: definitely enable two-factor authentication on any service that offers it, especially important stuff like your email account. If you have a choice, use one of the apps that will generate six-digit codes for you (in fact many password managers can actually do this as well); it’s much better than the thing where they text or email you a code.

      In any service that got hacked or might have gotten hacked, if you didn’t already do this, find the option to log out of your account everywhere and use it. Check for things like connected apps – some services (like Google/Gmail) let you access them with apps in a way that can bypass your normal login procedure, which could sometimes be an opportunity for a hacker to keep partial access to your account even after you changed the password.

      Aside from securing your digital resources, it’d be prudent to make sure there is a freeze on your credit report with each of the three credit bureaus (if you’re in the US). At least I think it’s a freeze you want – there are freezes and locks, and one of them should prevent any new credit accounts from being opened in your name while the other kind of doesn’t. Do some research and make sure you get the right one.

      If you have a credit card that lets you generate virtual card numbers, that would be a really good feature to use any time you pay for something over the internet.

      And honestly, you can think of this as a learning experience. You’re now probably much more aware of the signs and consequences of getting your accounts taken over than most people are, so you’ve kind of “leveled up” your computer security proficiency! Hopefully it never happens again, and if not, it may be because you’re better prepared now.

      1. IT Manager*

        I 100% endorse a credit freeze. We’ve all been hacked so many times that it’s worth it.

        I did this a couple years ago, was only able to do this online for 2 of the 3 companies, and then forgot about it.

        This December I went to go lease a car and they were like “um, your credit is frozen”? Took a phone call and an incredibly easy “temporary pause” online to the credit freeze, and then the lease went through. Exactly as it should have worked.

        Note that I needed the recovery PIN I’d set 2 years ago – personally I write these into a paper book I keep with my fire-safe documents (lastpsss revelations soured me on password managers)

        This will not prevent misuse of your existing accounts/banks, but will prevent new accounts being opened in your name.

      2. Observer*

        All excellent advice.

        it’d be prudent to make sure there is a freeze on your credit report with each of the three credit bureaus (if you’re in the US

        Freeze is what you want. They can’t provide credit reports to anyone so no one is going to issue a loan to “you” (ie the scammer who stole your credentials.)

    2. Roland*

      For that last one, the answer is a password manager. I use 1paaword. You do need to commit to a strong master password – I like to use diceware (can google, but essentially, think of the xkcd comic about Correct Horse Battery Staple being a better password to remember than tr0ubad0r). While I was getting used to my long master password, I kept a copy in my wallet with no hint as to ehat it was for.

      Then all your actual passwords can be random 20 character strings of gibberish because you don’t ever need to remember or type them.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        Thank you. I’ve been a bit wary of password managers because of the risk of THAT password being breached but perhaps it’s less risky than the alternative! I’ve just had a look at Diceware and the logic seems sense so perhaps this is the way forward.

      3. Professor Plum*

        Also use and like 1Password. Just spent some time with its list of places where I had used the same password years prior. Found accounts where the company was no longer active or had changed hands or still had an email I no longer have access too. Still have more clean up to do with all of that.

    3. WS*

      If your credit card information might be out there, put a temporary hold on your credit card. If you get emails like the Instagram one, go to the site rather than click on any links in the email. Then at worst they’ll be logging into your accounts and not getting your money. If any social media accounts (like Facebook) that you communicate with older family members are involved, warn them, because scammers love older people on FB.

      Password managers are the way to go to limit this kind of multiple-account damage, because no matter how secure your password might be, some idiot company might be saving their passwords in plain text!

    4. guerilla agile*

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. To manage passwords the new advice is to have a password manager. I’m using 1password and I know quite a few folks who like BitLocker, Apple and Android will also manage passwords if you don’t need them across many devices. The step after that is to upgrade your two factor authentications from sms/text to an authenticator app that gives you a code to confirm your login. I’m also slowly moving over to passcodes where possible, 1password is also able to manage these as well. congratulations on catching this early, and knowing to not trust links sent in emails or texts.

    5. strawberry lemonade*

      Put a credit freeze in place immediately, if you don’t have one. Make sure to use good passwords for them (and put those in a password manager!).

      1. YNWA*

        I had to do this because I was exposed in the recent government breach. Be careful with password managers I used to use Last Pass and it was breached about two years ago.

    6. Nicosloanicota*

      I have a trick for that last question. It’s not fool proof, but I have the same “base” password and then I vary the First/Last letter based on the account. It’s the first letter in the name on the webpage, if there’s any confusion. So it would be “F_Nico1eRocks” for Facebook and “N_Nico1eRocks” for Netflix. This is not uncrackable obviously but it would mean a real human would have to be looking and thinking about it, otherwise having one password doesn’t help them get into anything else. And I can always remember it.

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        My scheme is similar. Multiple characters to represent a site, and not the first N, but also the “a human could maybe guess the patterns, but automatic tries will fail” approach. High-security sites like financial and email use an entirely different base generation scheme.

      2. strawberry lemonade*

        A scheme is no good! If a password gets leaked, then it’s really easy for a computer or person to try several variations on a password. Schemes like this are pretty common, so it’s an easy first thing to try. The advantage of a password manager is that your passwords are all good passwords and all independent from each other.

        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          A person, yes, but I’m not concerned with that attack vector, nor am I concerned with someone specifically targeting me and trying “replace X arbitrary characters at an arbitrary place in this existing password”. It’s not “FApassword” and “NEpassword”, more like “2dhatdAshetC” and “2dhatdEshetI”.

          1. IT Manager*

            ^ this

            If someone (smart) is targeting you, you can’t stop them. You’re calling the FBI at that point.

            You’re looking to prevent a script from simply trying the same password at multiple sites – once a site is hacked, the stolen passwords are usually posted for sale and people buy then and then just load them into a script. They aren’t targeting you.

            So the value you get from individual, long, complex passwords at Every. Single. Site. is not worth the likelihood of forgetting these passwords.

            1. Change the password at each site enough to remember but not copy/paste.
            2. Use a more complex “base” password for various high risk areas like banks vs social media
            3. Enable multi factor authentication wherever you can
            4. Make sure you never respond to those MFA prompts unless you KNOW you are the one logging in real time. Do not click on those text links or pop up windows unless you are logging in to that site. This is a current common response by hackers to MFA.
            5. MFA-enable whatever email you are using for password recovery/reset. If your email provider doesn’t offer MFA – get a new email provider!!!! This is really important.

            1. Sloanicota*

              ugh I know you’re right but I haate MFA. I don’t mind having to answer a “challenge question” but I feel like a) a lot of sites are eager to have me add a phone number because that is valuable info for them to add to their repository of data about me/sell b) I hate having to log into a whole other thing to log into the first thing. MFA killed me when I lost my phone because I couldn’t log into a bunch of other things I needed to deal with losing my phone. I wish there was a better solution.

              1. Mutually supportive*

                This is something I’m really realising as I’m going through the process of updating passwords and MFA!

              2. fhqwhgads*

                MFA that just texts or calls you, btw, is the weakest mfa. They don’t need your phone number for MFA. You want mfa that uses an app like authy.
                There are also things you can do when you set it up on your phone so you have what you need if you lost or replace your phone to ensure continuity with the mfa. You keep that elsewhere, like taking a photo and saving it to your computer, or even printing it. But you have to do all that at the beginning.

              3. Observer*

                a lot of sites are eager to have me add a phone number because that is valuable info for them to add to their repository of data about me/sell

                Don’t use SMS / Voice call for your 2FA. It’s stupid simple to breach. Use either an app or a physical key.

                I hate having to log into a whole other thing to log into the first thing

                I’m trying to figure out how you are using 2FA that you actually have to log into a whole other thing.

                MFA killed me when I lost my phone because I couldn’t log into a bunch of other things I needed to deal with losing my phone.

                Yes, it’s a pain. Which is why I often recommend that people either have 2 2FA keys (yes, you can use that) or enable the backup codes that many services provide.

                1. Sloanicota*

                  I realize nobody’s checking the weekend thread at this point, but when I say “logging into a whole other thing” I’m interested that this doesn’t resonate. Lots of accounts send an email with a special code in order to log in. So then I have to log into my email. I guess other people are always logged into email on their phone or something.

                2. Observer*

                  Lots of accounts send an email with a special code in order to log in.

                  Those are annoying. But most 2FA systems allow you to use an app or key, which mostly mean that you don’t have to log in to anything.

                  The systems that use a key are actually generally the most secure – more so than email.

    7. o_gal*

      You can always do what it not recommended – write them down. But put them in something, like a notebook, that is well hidden (so the only possible compromise situation is an evil maid scenario). If you choose strong passwords for each different place, then they are less likely to be compromised online. If you have a hidden notebook of them, you can at least access them when you are where the notebook is located. It won’t help you when you are trying to access the account while you are not where the notebook is, but your own personal circumstances will dictate whether this is a viable solution or not. The other advantage of this is that if something happens to you, other people can unearth the notebook and be able to take care of things either for you if you are incapacitated, or after your death. Also, right now run a credit check and put a freeze on your credit.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        Thank you. I’ve already cancelled that card and made the bank aware, is there something more than that you’re meaning by “credit freeze”? Are you meaning people trying to get credit cards and other stuff in my name?

        I’m glad I asked, there’s always something else to consider!

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          In the US, a “credit freeze” means you go to the three major credit bureaus – Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax – and put a “freeze” on your account at all three places. This prevents anyone, including you, from opening up any new account connected to your name and SS number. It can be a bit of a hassle to remember to “unfreeze” your account if you do need to take out new credit for something like a mortgage or car purchase, and then go back in and freeze it again, but other than that it’s a set-and-forget safety measure. My husband and I leave our accounts frozen all the time, except when we plan to do something like buy a car or open a new credit card. We actually did both of those over the last couple of years, and I won’t lie, there was some rending of garments and gnashing of teeth involved in getting the right things unlocked at the right time, but that was mostly our fault for not doing it pre-emptively from home and winding up having to do it at the dealership on a phone…

          Anyhow, a credit freeze is global; what you’ve done with that one card and issuer only applies to that one account and that one issuer.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            All three credit bureaus let you do a “thaw” on frozen credit, when you un-freeze, where you can set a date for the freeze to automatically reactivate if you choose.

        2. Observer*

          Are you meaning people trying to get credit cards and other stuff in my name?

          Yes. Each of the major credit reporting companies is legally required to “freeze” your credit for free whenever you ask them to (they used to charge you unless you could “prove” that you have a specific reason to worry about an account compromise.)

          The reason this is important is that every CC card company, loan issuer, or company that wants to sell stuff to you on credit will run a quick credit check on you before they set that up. And if they can’t run the check for any reason, including a freeze on your account, they will not issue the loan, set up a CC, or sell that merchandise.

      2. Southern Violet*

        Yes there is way less actual risk of written passwords vs constantly reusing a version of the same one. Just make sure your notebook with your passwords is safe either in your possession or locked up somewhere.

    8. Just a different redhead*

      I would suggest that if there are any other things, especially “household name”-level things like Netflix or Instagram, that you think you signed up for in the past and aren’t sure you changed your password for, use a search engine to find their real websites. Go about recovering your account and/or changing your password, *log out*, then bookmark/favorite the official main/login page into a folder that affirms you have updated said password.

      Personally I think I have an “above average” memory for this sort of thing, but I’ll use something like one of several patterns for passwords – like maybe there are 5 sentences I base the pattern on, and I’ll use a custom number or special character and custom words in one of the sentences that *I* think pertain to the thing. For example if one of my sentence patterns were “Thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog” and it were a fast food website, maybe I’d put “Thequickbrownburgerjumps~1lazydog” and then for a department store website, I’d put “Thequickbrownshoesjump_8lazydishes” (yes, some sites only allow 16 characters, but the point is to have it as long as possible). I do keep a hint document that cryptically references something I associate with the sentence so I know which pattern, and maybe has the first letter of each “custom word” I used, along with another thing I personally associate with the number I used…. (If I wait long enough, I can’t decipher my own passwords from the hint anymore, there’s no way anyone else could get a password out of it)

      But yeah other than that, I do recommend a password manager, preferably an offline one like KeePass. It is definitely easier for most people than my personal-complicated method XD

      Other than that, if you’ve made sure anything critical like financial, major impact or identity stuff is updated with good separate passwords and 2 factor authentication, there’s little need to worry anymore.

    9. Reba*

      I would like to suggest that if the fraudulent charge was on a credit card, go to your bank website or call them again and ask about “virtual cards” and “tokens”. I recently had an experience where a fraudulent charge was allowed to go through multiple times, despite my reporting it. Nowadays when websites save your cc for recurring charges, it’s often with a token that can persist even when your actual card number changes. (So in a lot of cases, my auto paid bills and such continued without interruption — but so then did the fraudulent subscription charge!) I hope that makes sense! It’s not really obvious which sites/businesses have these tokens for your account so you may need help to dig into this.
      Sorry that happened!

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Oh interesting, I actually wondered why getting a new replacement card recently didn’t make as much hassle as it used to, and payments seemed to still be going through, even though the numbers changed.

    10. YNWA*

      Put a freeze on your credit through all 3 credit bureaus. It’s easy to do and it’s a good piece of mind. It wouldn’t have stopped the Netflix situation but it will prevent someone from opening new accounts in your name.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I have to write down my passwords–there are so many that I simply cannot keep track any other way.

    12. fhqwhgads*

      In addition to the other suggestions, enable multifactor authentication on EVERYTHING that will let you do so.

    13. Mutually supportive*

      Thank you to everyone who has posted so far. I’ve been changing passwords, setting up 2FA and various other things so hopefully I’m in a good place now. It’s a bit disconcerting how connected everything is (various apps and profiles), there are some things that I hadn’t even realised are linked.

      I’ve also registered on CIFAS (info for anyone who may be looking at this in the future). In the UK it’s a place to flag that you think you may be at higher-than-standard risk of fraud, so companies will then do more robust identity checks if credit is applied for in your name. It will slow down any genuine credit applications too, but I’m not currently anticipating any and it’ll be worth it for some peace of mind.

    14. Qwerty*

      I treat accounts differently depending on whether they have personal data. If there is no address or credit info saved, then I use the same boring password because a hacker can’t really do anything with it. And if one of those sites gets hacked, all they find is the same password that is already on the internet. I also delete my credit card info and address after making purchases on sites (such as Dominos) to minimize how much personal data companies have.

      The security person at my company strongly advocates for using Google/Apple login integrations whenever possible. Personally I don’t do that yet because I’m not sure how I feel about having so much tied to my Gmail account, but it would significantly cut down on the number of unique passwords I have to maintain.

      I also keep a spreadsheet of all of my passwords, in a password protected file that is only on my local computer (not on the cloud). Occassionally I use a USB to transfer a backup copy to parent’s computer in case mine dies (or if something happens to me).

      Google offers password managers to securely handle remembering your passwords and log you in. I’ve started using this for some sites, but not for the really important ones like banking.

    15. Observer*

      Is there anything else I should be doing now to protect myself?

      2 Factor Authentication on *EVERY* account that you have. And do *not* use SMS. Use either an app (Authy, MS Authenticator, Google Authenticator are all good ones) or a hardware key if you don’t have a smart phone, or there is some other reason you can’t use an app.

      How do people manage to use different passwords on each account across multiple devices, and actually keep track of what they all are?

      The hardish way is to keep a document with all of your accounts and passwords. That’s a bit dangerous – you want to keep that document very, very safe and encrypted. One person I know who did this also used a cypher, so if anyone managed to crack the doc would still not have the information. Which, I don’t really recommend.

      The better way is to use a password manager. I used recommend LastPass, but they had a breach a couple of years ago, and the way it happened and how they handled the situation really really soured me on them.

      Some good products are BitWarden, Dashlane, 1Password, and BitDefender. They are not the only ones on the market, but they are the ones I know enough about to be comfortable recommending.

  24. ghost_cat*

    I need a new playlist. Those songs that make you smile, change yourself out of a bad mood, or make you dance like no one is watching. Suggestions please. To start, mine are Tegan and Sara ‘Fix you Up’ and Scissors Sisters ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’

    2. KathyG*

      Are oldies OK?
      The Archies: Sugar Sugar
      Beatles: Octopus’ Garden
      Lighthouse: Hats Off to the Stranger
      Eagles: The Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks
      Katrina & the Waves: Walkin’ on Sunshine
      Men Without Hats: Pop Goes the World
      And, of course,
      Pharrell Williams: Happy

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      EMF’s Unbelievable.
      Nina Simone’s I’m Feeling Good.
      The parade scene from Ferris Bueller.

    4. Angstrom*

      The responses to these questions are always interesting because so much of what makes us smile is not the song itself but the context: when we first heard it, who we were with, who or what it reminds us of…
      I recently tried listening to a collection of songs from my youth and realized that no, they really were not that great, but the opening bars of every one of them triggered a memory that made me smile.
      One of the things that makes me smile to 50’s rock & roll is knowing how “shocking” it was at the time, and how innocent it seems now. So old Elvis, upbeat doo-wop, stuff like “Palisades Park”, “Runaround Sue”, “Do You Love Me”, etc. Stuff that makes you want to swing dance. :-)
      There’s also the “so sad they make you smile” genre of country songs, like “Two Doors Down”, or “sad songs with happy arrangements” like the Don Gibson version of “Sea of Heartbreak”.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        “Start Me Up” by the Rolling Stones always makes me grin like an idiot because it’s attached to a happy memory (dancing with a boy I really liked, ha.)

        1. allathian*

          Heaven by Bryan Adams does the same thing for me. I danced my first ever slow dance with a boy (both of us were 13) at a school disco to that song.

          Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper makes me want to dance.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      Huey Lewis and the News’ “Do You Believe in Love” has always felt like a breezy, happy song on the radio while you’re in the car on a sunny day.

      “HOT TO GO!” by Chappell Roan

      “Cantaloop/Flip Fantasia” by Us3

    7. Evvy*

      Galileo (Indigo Girls)
      You & Me on the Rock (Brandi Carlile)
      Rock It (I like the Vance Joy cover because I heard it first)
      Bad Blood (Trousdale)
      Alice (Elle Cordova/Reina del Cid)

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Cha Cha Slide.
      Also “I Like To Move It (Move It)” by Will.i.am (or from the Madagascar soundtrack, there’s a couple versions and I like them all).
      A million years ago I had a walking app that you could set a “power song” and if you needed a boost you could push the button for your power song, and I believe mine alternated at points between The Devil Came Down to Georgia and Smooth (Santana).
      Taio Cruz’s Dynamite also.
      Big & Rich “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy”.

    9. Just a different redhead*

      Man, It’s So Loud In Here / They Might Be Giants
      Streamside / SoundTeMP (no words, it’s from Ragnarok Online, filename “12”)
      I’m sure there are more, but they are completely not coming to mind at all right now!

    10. Whale I Never*

      “I Don’t Wanna Be In Love” by Good Charlotte, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf (totally random but I canNOT sit still when it’s playing), “Stopped or Gone” by Derina Harvey Band.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Short Skirt/Long Jacket (CAKE)
      Raise Your Glass (Pink)
      Two Princes (Spin Doctors)
      Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
      Aint No Man (Avett Brothers)
      I’m on My Way (Proclaimers)
      Why’d You Come In Here Looking Like That (Dolly Parton)
      Country Life (The Watersons)
      The End of the World as We Know It (REM)
      also Stand (REM)

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Cardigans: Love Fool
      Toni Basil: Hey Mickey
      Village People: YMCA, In the Navy, Macho Man
      Taylor Swift: Shake It Off
      Pitbull: I Know You Want Me

    13. Tiny Clay Insects*

      “Hang With Me” by Robyn. I love the two songs you referenced and feel like this would be a great fit.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m an old so my list is pretty eighties/nineties. Off the top of my head:

      Groove is in the Heart: Dee-Light
      Pop Goes the World/Safety Dance: Men Without Hats
      Call Me Al/Graceland: Paul Simon
      Friday I’m in Love: The Cure

    16. ferrina*

      Good Thing by Kehlani (feat Zedd)
      Mayores by Becky G (feat Bad Bunny)
      Apocalyptic by Halestorm
      Funky Friday by Dave (feat Fredo)

      And of course, Not Like Us.

    18. FACS*

      Still the One by Orleans
      Be like That by Kane Brown
      Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede
      Saltwater Gospel by Eli Young band
      Take a Chance on Me by ABBA

    19. *daha**

      Witchi-Tai-To by Brewer and Shipley
      59th Street Bridge Song by Simon and Garfunkel
      Squeeze Box by The Who
      Apeman by The Kinks
      You Look Like Rain by Morphine
      Apple Cider Reconstitution by Al Stewart

    20. Blooper*

      I listened to your title drops (Tegan and Sara and Scissor Sisters) and based on these, I suggest the following:

      • Kim Stockwood – Jerk
      • Chromeo – Over Your Shoulder

      If you’re still seeking more for your playlist, you might like artists’: Gatlin as well as HAIM

      If you don’t mind Japanese songs, I have lots to suggest! :)

    22. Songs*

      -Dancing in the Daylight by Scouting for Girls is a bop and the music video of the couple dancing is cute.
      -Green Green Grass by George Ezra is also a bop
      -Bright Lights by The Killers has been making me smile every time it comes on.
      -Free by Florence + the Machine makes me want to dance, and be free, as the lyrics go.
      -Bright by Echosmith is such a sweet song, makes me feel lovey dovey.

  25. BellStell*

    What is your word for the year ahead? Mine is Emerge. I am doing self care today with a walk in the snow and taking pics to focus on this word. I have a new role, and want a better year than last year.

    1. Turtle Dove*

      Two words as suggested by a yoga pal: Core up! I interpret it spiritually. I want to stay strong and positive through challenges.

      I like your word too! The sense of forward momentum is powerful.

    2. Bethlam*

      My word is ‘mindfulness.’ Being mindful of what I’m doing in the present, mindful of how I’m taking care of my body, mindful of following through on things. The biggest one however, since going through cancer is mindful of not squandering my health, my time, my energy. I also revised my personal mantra to complement my nudge word.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I sort of touched on this above, but I have a phrase this year “Not my circus, not my monkeys” to remind me not to jump in and fix other people’s issues

    4. Almost Academic*

      dilettante! I’m throwing myself casually into a different hobby each month that I’ve wanted to try for a while. Explicitly taking the pressure off of being good or committed. I know it’s usually a pretty negative word but I like so here we are haha.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      I am taking an idea from the series Ted Lasso, and have chosen the word, ‘believe.’ It speaks to being curious and optimistic and actively turning down the cynicism – a real challenge in this era.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Hope.

      Personal context: Okay, what can I affect? Let’s work on that thing that I can actually affect. Am I falling down into a lowest-energy-level rut that, long-term, isn’t going to feel worth all the time I’m spending in it right now? If so, what can I do to break back out? Do I have a low-but-not-lowest energy thing I can sub in easily? If not, how would I make sure there’s a good option on hand?

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Present. With all the chaos and darkness in the world, we also have a lot of good stuff coming this year, and I want to really be present for it rather than looking over my shoulder or worrying about what’s ahead.

  26. The Prettiest Curse*

    Is there something you’re glad that you quit? (This could be anything – an idea, a task, a TV show, a hobby, a relationship.)

    One day, I was cleaning my fridge and thought “this is such a giant hassle, I never want to do it again.” So my husband is now solely responsible for fridge cleaning. My fridge is slightly less clean than it used to be, but the distribution of cleaning tasks is a bit more equal.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I had to dial back work due to health, and realized that the two projects I was dropping were things I would not have agreed to had they been clearly presented up front–lots of mission creep adding ever-less-appealing layers, and both had a strong “we can design and build this plane in the air” aspect when actually it would be good to pause and get much of that plane constructed on the ground.

      Upthread, my personal realization from last year was that I need to be better at stepping back and looking at the big picture. It’s easy to slide into familiar ruts.

    2. Nicosloanicota*

      This is lesson I learned early on lol. In highschool I did a lot of sports because that’s what we do in my family. Varsity soccer was a big deal in terms of year-round time commitment and very competitive. I guess somewhere along the way I had stopped noticing that … I hated it? Or it didn’t seem important that I hated it, I guess. I got depressed and was mentally in a bad way. After my junior year, I told my parents I wasn’t going back to the team. I was going to do debate instead. Oh, the outrage! The wailing! The coach was furious (why? I was terrible! I rode the bench most of the year!). But it just Wasn’t Done. I was supposed to be beating myself up to get *off* the bench, not just being a Giant Quitter!!! But I was resolute. Lord knows where the strength came from since I’d been a doormat my whole life. Let me tell you, it was night and day difference in terms of my daily happiness. Never looked back. Have been quitting things ever since lol.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You go! That was so brave and awesome to do, especially at a young age!

    3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I’m glad I quit doing a decades long hobby of mine. At least for now.
      I was doing it with a somewhat-friend and they put expectations and pressure on me that I was *able* to meet but not *willing* to, anymore. The mental load that has been lifted off me is bigger than I had expected and opened up energy for a new hobby that I greatly enjoy :)

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      I quit doing Wordle and similar daily puzzles. I can’t let go of streaks as a goal, once I see them tracked, and it became much more of a chore than I wanted it to be.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        I *always* have to avoid streaks etc. I used to click into Wordle from a private browser so it wouldn’t connect one game with the next because I don’t want to feel like I “have” to do something every day unless I want to.

    6. Rosyglasses*

      I deleted my Facebook account three years ago and have not missed it even once. Very close to deleting IG as well.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        I’d like to do this but some of my clubs and organisations still use Facebook as their primary place to make arrangements, so staying involved would be much more difficult without it :(

      2. SnowFall*

        I just deleted Instagram and left Facebook years ago. I will not be manipulated by big tech to benefit the billionaires.

    7. BellStell*

      Whatsapp Chats and a phone! This week I quit using one phone for all contacts. I got a second number and a second phone and migrated by hand almost all of my friends and family to the new number. Still updating it. My old number and old phone are now for the place during the week, those people only. I also quit a whatsapp chat that was causing me severe anxiety as it was made up of the people from my former ‘place during the week’ group, and wow I am so glad I quit it! Left with a short message, “Happy holidays and thanks all, bye!!” in mid December about 3 minutes after logging off the last meeting of that group that I will ever have to sit in. I told my therapist this yesterday and she was so happy for me!!! Progress.

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        I canNOT understand how all my friends love to be part of these endless group chats (across multiple platforms, too!). They stress me out so much! Even when I mute notifications, it still means a thread has literally 20 messages since I last put my phone down – and none of them are at all important!

        1. BellStell*

          I agree it is stressful. Add to the whole chaos of using whatsapp (against policy even) for the place we go to in the week and a former ‘leader’ whose habit of 2am texts was a nightmare for me. So glad am done with that.

    8. cleo*

      Piano lessons! I took piano lessons starting at the age of 7. At 14 I realized that I no longer enjoyed it and I hated practicing and avoided doing it. So I asked to stop. My parents treated it as a grown up decision and but other adults in my life were like “nooo, don’t give up the piano, you’ll regret it when you get older.”

      41 years later, I’m still do not regret quitting piano lessons. (And I also know if that changes, I can sign up for more lessons).

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        I wish I had hung in there until I became fluent in reading music and had an understanding of musical theory (I don’t / didn’t) but I’m not really sorry I quit. I was going to quit one way or another anyway, because I wasn’t going to keep playing when I headed off to college, and I didn’t show much promise.

      2. :)*

        Me too! Very similar story, right down to the ages (started at 7ish, quit at 14ish). At the time I was sure I’d regret it, to be honest, but I’m in my early twenties and have never looked back. I am grateful for the opportunity, but it was stressful and unpleasant. My high school life would have been so much worse if I hadn’t quit!

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        Same! My teacher would have all ages recitals a couple times a year and a special “invite only” recital for just her older students. I remember realizing I had the simplest piece at the special recital and didn’t even play it as well as the other performers with harder pieces and was just like… oh, I am not putting in the work to be good at this, and I don’t want to. I do now want to relearn just so I can enjoy casual, easy playing for myself, but I don’t regret stopping.

      4. Nightengale*

        I quit violin around the same age. I wasn’t getting good at it. I was never going to realize my dream of learning Beethoven’s violin concerto. I wasn’t even going to get to first violin parts (which ironically might have been easier for me because I could play them by ear and second violin meant more sight reading skills than I had at the time.)

        I couldn’t hold the bow right and I couldn’t put my fingers in the right positions on the strings no matter how many times I was reminded. They just kept bending the wrong way. My first violin teacher, around age 6, had tried to “remind” me with a thumbtack.

        I switched to voice where I said double jointed vocal cords would not be a problem.

        Over a decade later, I finally got a diagnosis for the neurological condition affecting my hands and that I also have joint hypermobility. . .

      5. Falling Diphthong*

        I once commented to a musician friend that I wished my parents had pushed me to keep with piano, and she was like “Meh, if the motivation wasn’t coming from you, then it wasn’t going to work out.” Advice I considered when each of my kids wanted to quit something.

        My son did what you did, stopping around 10. And then in his 20s a roommate had a piano, and son got into playing it, and when he moved he got a keyboard for his new place, and he is surprisingly good.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Two of the happiest days of my life were the days in college when I withdrew from my Physics class and when I withdrew from my Differential Geometry class.

      I was an overachiever in other subjects who thought if I just kept working harder, I could make it through those classes, but I just wasn’t getting the material. (Had I been savvier, I would have tried to get a tutor, but oh well.)

      The relief of realizing I didn’t have to keep trying at something that wasn’t working for me was delicious!

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Acting. I miss it but the older I get the gladder I am I’m not still scrambling after bit parts and juggling terrible jobs and eight roommates. This world really doesn’t want to treat its creatives well, no matter how much it craves their output.

    11. AnonAnon*

      I quit the place we go during the week. I was just all out of hoots! I’m not sure if I’m retired or not, but it’s nice to be taking the first break from w–k I’ve had since I was 12….

    12. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I was taking an advanced math course at a boarding school in another country and it was hard / the teacher wasn’t very helpful so I was spending all my free time doing math homework. I decided I didn’t want to spend all my time in this new country sitting inside staring at the page.

    13. Blooper*

      Giving up on finishing books, TV shows, or video games that I’m just not into anymore. For a long time, I self-identified as a ‘completionist’. This includes getting ALL THE ACHIEVEMENTS in video games. Now, I just stop when it feels like a chore. Life is so much better now.

      Similarly, I’m a lot more open to re-reading, re-watching, or re-playing favorites. My brain would sometimes say: “Why go back to that? There’s plenty of new things to try.” but I think it’s perfectly okay to deeply enjoy whatever as long as you like. Even though the media doesn’t change, you do (change), and so it’s a different experience every time.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I love your last sentence here — that’s such a great point!

      2. Anonymous cat*

        If I keep going back to something, I think there’s usually a reason! My mind/heart is getting something out of this so I try to figure out what it is. Like a sitcom episode about going through a big life change is probably related to how I really feel about something in my life.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I founded and managed an outdoor-oriented Meetup for about five years. I created it to be an alternative to the many groups that hike fast, with a stated goal of being leisurely. Other people graciously volunteered to lead hikes. When they had to stop, the new people who volunteered wanted to go quickly. The group was evolving in a different direction. As the group grew to about 1,500 people, I was done with the admin stuff and responding to lots of questions. I met some great people who are still friends and the group is doing just fine without me.

    15. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Non-profit leadership. I have had significant volunteer leadership roles in three different organizations over the last 30 years. I did it for complex reasons many of which were not healthy for me and that unhealthy stuff colored the work and relationships because of course it did. I left the last position a year ago and I still feel an intense sense of relief when I think about it.

    16. carcinization*

      I was mystified by this for a few seconds, and then I realized — wearing makeup! I used to wear a tinted correction thing for spots, plus powder, plus concealer, every day to Place that Must Not be Named. I quit during the early COVID times since I was wearing a mask for most of the day, and never started up again even though I no longer mask. I do occasionally wear eye makeup (like a few times a year), and even less often will do the aforememtioned full-face stuff along with it (so maybe once or twice a year at most), but now it’s relatively fun instead of a chore.

  27. Shiny Penny*

    What are your recent wildlife encounters?

    I found my first ever owl pellet! It was on the ground right next to the goat fence. And I never would have noticed it, except my dog pointed it out— good boy! The rain had already cleaned it enough that the tiny teeth and bone shards were bright white. Such a thrill.

    A few hours later that night, the dog again pointed out something in the underbrush, in the same area: the back half of a rat.
    Yikes. MUCH less thrilled about that, lol. Glad the owls are on patrol!

    1. Angstrom*

      Neat! I remember carefully teasing apart an owl pellet and laying out all the bits. The number of small bones was amazing!

    2. cowtools*

      Owl pellets are so cool! My wildlife encounter this week is probably my least favorite I’ve ever had- my kitty caught a rabid bat in the apartment. I’ve done everything I need to do in terms of vaccines and reporting, and the vaccine +booster is very, very effective. Still I’m nervous for my cat, and I need to monitor him for about two months. Reminder to get y’all’s pets vaccinated, I guess! Rabies is serious and scary.

      For a palette cleanser, I have been seeing a lot of lovely woodpeckers recently!

      1. Goldfeesh*

        Oh, this reminds me a couple of weeks ago there was a bat in the restaurant I work at. Thankfully no customers in there at the time. Poor thing swooped into the counter area/entryway. It landed by the door and I was able to get a box and a flat cardboard and scoop it up without touching it. A coworker opened the door and I was able to release it outside where it flew off. Worked there for 8 years and this was the first bat I’ve seen.

      2. Shiny Penny*

        Your poor kitty! The rabies thing is concerning, even though they have such great meds to prevent it now! Does she need to have multiple follow up injections like a human would?
        A friend of mine woke up one morning to find her cat playing with a dead bat on the bedroom floor! The cat was already vaccinated, but my friend had to get the whole series because there was enough risk that the bat might have gotten saliva on her while she slept. Apparently now, that’s the recommended action if you were near the bat, but not able to reliably report what happened (drunk, asleep, really young).
        Then last year, a friend got smacked hard in the neck *by something he never saw* while walking up the stairs from his basement. The only reasonable thing they could do was assume it had been a flying bat! So he had to get all the shots. Not a good time, but not the nightmare it was in the old days (only about seven shots, now?).
        It’s the best argument for getting “indoor only” cats fully vaccinated against rabies, because weird things do happen.
        Luckily you witnessed enough to know you needed to take action, and you got her the right care, and we’ll all be sending good thoughts her way!

        1. cowtools*

          Thank you! Just the one booster needed for the cat, since he had his normal vaccination up-to-date. And luckily in our situation the humans in the house didn’t need to get vaccinations. They still have a series of shots, I believe, but just normal injections now – they don’t have to do it in the stomach anymore. And yes, I’m so grateful my cats had their vaccinations and that we are able to get their boosters promptly – otherwise could have ended in tragedy. Rabies is so rare where I live, I was shocked by the test result. I guess in that way I’m glad my kitty got it so it wasn’t flapping around for days biting us in our sleep. Poor bat.

          1. Shiny Penny*

            Oh, I wondered if the bat was actually tested, or its “off behavior” was enough to just assume.
            Somehow spookier to know it was positive for sure. Poor critter. Your cat did do some good work there, even for the bat.

    3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      There’s a fox in the neighborhood! We see them every few years but this one is especially active and visible, especially with the fresh snow we have this week.

      1. BellStell*

        I have seen fox tracks in the snow here and also chamois tracks too. Lots of grey herons and hawks. And tiny birds who come for the seeds on my balcony.

      2. IT Manager*

        “Our” fox was limping across the snow this week, and I couldn’t stop worrying about it but yesterday s/he was back to themselves again, chasing something across the snow. Whew.

    4. Rural*

      We are on a migration pattern for trumpeter swans and often they do not leave until real cold weather. A couple years ago there was a flock of hundreds in the nearby field. Last week there were 50 but this week maybe 10. They are LOUD

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        How cool! Wintering tundra swans are lovely to see, but trumpeter swans don’t typically come through where I live so I’ve never seen one.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I saw the tail feathers of what I think was a mourning dove (didn’t want to get too close and disturb it) sticking up right next to my slightly open window on a very cold day. I was tickled at the idea that it was warming its butt with the warm air from my apartment.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m reading What an Owl Knows by Jennifer Ackerman and owl pellets are the rubies of the owling world!

    7. ThursdaysGeek*

      We went to Birds of Prey south of Boise, Idaho a couple of days ago, and in addition to seeing California Condors, there were Lesser Goldfinch at their outdoor feeder, and their presentation was a Barn Owl flying around us.

    8. AnonAustralian*

      While bushwalking:
      An echidna (spiny anteater) – cute
      Tiger snake – luckily going away from the path at speed

    9. Bibliovore*

      I live in a city. I have had almost daily coyote sightings. About the size of a German Shepherd.

  28. Tote bag for iPad*

    I got an iPad a few months ago and I love it! I’m looking for a smallish tote that would be big enough to carry it in! Bonus points if it’s stylish and/or under $100! I’ve been looking at the boxy tote bag and quilted grid tote bag from lululemon, but I’m not sure they’re worth the price.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Do you have a TJMaxx near you? The one near me has an incredible selection of all sorts of bags.

    2. Anonymous Cat*

      If you’re looking for something unique, you might try the Society6 website. Lots of artists!

    3. mreasy*

      Portland Leather has high quality totes and other bags in all sizes and has a major sale on right now. I have been using one of their bags for years for my laptop and as my travel “personal item” and it is both rugged and beautiful!

  29. Nononon*

    SOUP-A-PALOOZA
    I’m hosting a soup party and I need a soup that will wow. Please add your suggestions.

    I did one last year and we just tried individual soups but this year I want to do the muffin tin holder (seen on social media) to hold multiple cups at once. Any tips or recs to make this a fun success?

    1. sagewhiz*

      The Hungarian Mushroom Soup from allrecipes dot com is awesome good! You can make it up a day in advance, then gently reheat. But don’t freeze it—learned the hard way it makes the mushrooms as chewable as erasers

    2. Rural*

      Chowder with clams oysters and shrimp. – oh maybe too alergy prone. It’s pretty though with veggies chopped in. It’s our Christmas Eve tradition

    3. Reba*

      One time we did a similar party and my spouse made bread bowls!! Minds were blown.

      My fave soup is probably the white bean soup from 101 cookbooks. It has dumplings which you would need to make small for the muffin tray presentation.

      Persian lentil and tomato soup (adasi) is divine.

    4. ronda*

      I enjoyed Alfredo lasagna soup. I liked the cheesy broth and the lasagna as noodles.

      my sister made cheeseburger soup with Cavatappi pasta. I really liked that pasta for a noodle in that soup.

      I apparently like a substantial noodle in my soup.

    7. HannahS*

      Posole Verde is pretty great, and quite different from other soups I make. I use a modified version of the recipe on Serious Eats.

    8. Yum!!*

      Chickpea Lamb Shawarma Soup by RecipeTinEats is one of our recent favorites. Super yummy and you can substitute with ground beef if you don’t like (or have) ground lamb.

      Chili is also always a favorite.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Creamy white chicken chili! So delish and easy to make. There’s tons of variations online; be sure to find one that uses cream cheese as an ingredient.

    10. Ali + Nino*

      I love making asparagus soup: peel, chop, and sautee a potato; add two bunches chopped asparagus and sautee ; add enough water just to cover the vegetables and simmer until soft. Use an immersion blender to puree. Can add a squirt of lemon juice, I let my guests season with salt to their preference, and I like serving with crumbled (mock) crab. so good!

    11. carcinization*

      I make Epicurious’ Hominy Tomato, and Chile (but they spell it “Chili”) soup every winter and just realized I haven’t made it yet, so thanks! I just googled and it’s still there online!

      I also really like Post Punk Kitchen’s “Smoky Tomato Lentil Soup with Spinach and Olives” though I’m (obviously from the last recipe, I guess), not vegan. Again, easily available online.

    12. cat in cardboard box*

      Zuppa toscana (as in the American Olive Garden copycat recipe). I can’t wait to make it again!

  30. Slinky*

    I’m excited to see the Bookshop affiliate link! Thank you, Alison! I will make good use of this option.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      Ditto! I closed my Amazon account late last year so I really appreciate having an alternative source for books!

  31. Cat Referee*

    I would love some advice on helping my two cats get along.

    For seven years my 8-year-old resident cat (RC) has been the only pet in a quiet household. I’ve always said that RC is such a good cat because she’s too lazy to cause trouble. She’s very mellow and before K came into the picture, she never hissed, growled, or swatted.

    A few months ago someone let me know about a stray/abandoned kitten (K), and I just couldn’t say no. K is, at this point, about five months old and she’s been with us for about four months. She has kitten energy and more of an alpha personality than RC.

    I followed the Jackson Galaxy method of slow introductions, base camps, etc. At first RC was curious, but that soon turned to not wanting K anywhere near her. K frequently pounces on, dive bombs, or tries to initiate play with RC, and RC wants no part of it. RC will hiss, growl, swat, and scream if K touches her or gets near her. Neither has any desire to hurt the other, RC just wants K to get away. K is momentarily put off by RC’s reaction, but she’s not good at respecting RC’s boundaries. As K gets more bold, the tussles are starting to last a bit longer. 

    I feel bad that K doesn’t have the playmate that she so desperately wants, but I also feel terrible that RC’s quality of life has decreased. RC’s eating and litter box habits are fine, so she hasn’t shown any extreme signs of distress. I have a Feliway diffuser and RC has been wearing a calming collar – though I can’t say that either has had a noticeable effect. I’d say maybe 70% of the time the cats do their own thing or nap in the same room or on the same piece of furniture. We’ve even gotten to where they both sleep on my bed at night. RC still frequently does her flop and rolls in K’s presence and will lay on her back, until K approaches.

    On the other hand, RC is also much more on edge. She used to frequently sit on my lap and make biscuits or be comfortable with me picking her up. Now she prefers to be in a space where she can keep her eye on K. I work away from home, and when I’m home both cats want to be near me, which causes friction. Often RC will just leave the room and spend the evening in another part of the house. I try to give both cats individual attention and 1:1 time, but I do feel bad shutting one away in a bedroom, since I’m already away from home for so much of the day. K is delightful and I love her, but I miss how cuddly and mellow RC used to be.

    I’m not expecting the cats to love each other or cuddle up with one another, but I would like to see RC more at ease. I imagine some will suggest anxiety medication. I’m not sure she’s unduly anxious though, she just doesn’t like having a rambunctious kitten around. It’s also possible I’m projecting feelings onto RC, but she really does seem more on edge than before.

    Do I just need to give it time? Wait for K to get older and calm down a bit? Even success stories of cats that hated one another and mellowed out in time would help!

    1. Nicosloanicota*

      Oh, this is a tough combo, a sedate older cat and a bouncy young kitten. I went through kitten stage with my girl and ages 2 months to 6 months was the highest energy period – constant playing, on and off biting/scratching. You have to play hard with kittens, particularly to spare the other cat. They say 15 minutes of intensive play until the cat is visibly tired, and then potentially a second 15 minute session (I had to set an alarm or I would start slacking). I would try to make sure each cat gets alone time and space and one-on-one time with you. Get RC in a new snuggle routine that is just for them. Try to ensure their food and litterbox is private and give them space. I’ve had cats that loved each other quickly, cats that were neutral forever, and cats that never got along. I assume you’ve tried felloway?

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        To clarify I mean two sessions, spaced out in the day, like a 15 minute AM and a 15 minute PM session, not 30 minutes combined. Wrote that very poorly.

    2. Morning Reader*

      I think it’s just a matter of time and it all sounds pretty normal to me. You say they sometimes sleep or hang out in the same room? It’s an indication that while RC doesn’t love K, she tolerates her well when she’s not being a pest.
      My experience is more with male cats so I don’t know if it will be different, but, at some point when K has grown to about RC’s size, they will likely Have It Out. Right now RC is just discouraging K. Eventually they will have a real tussle and establish a different pattern. Possibly K will become alpha cat. It’s unlikely they will hurt each other but check them both over after, if/when they get into a more serious fight.
      So, make sure RC gets enough cuddle time, even if you have to go hang out with her in the other room for a while. Make sure K gets enough play time to wear her out more. You probably have another 2-3 years of kitten/young cat energy before she settles down.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We had two older cats and my husband got a new kitten who was pestering the older ones and getting into trouble. He convinced me that the only solution was to get the new kitten a friend. :-P it has worked, at least.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          There’s definitely complications, but it has 100% helped with the relationship with the older cats and also with the original kitten’s tendency to destroy things when she got bored. (In our case, we got the first kitten from a stray litter husband’s brother took in when their mom didn’t make it, and brother still had one kitten unspoken for from the litter, so now each age pair is also literal sisters, I have no idea if that helped extra.) Now that the younger two are entertaining themselves more, the more outgoing of the older two is much more willing to hang out with them sometimes, and even the cranky “I hate you all” one will let them share the heat pad with her sometimes. And while original kitten ate four sets of headphones in six weeks, I don’t think any headphones have been consumed since extra kitten arrived.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, we did that, too. Grandma Cat loved the youngsters when they were sleepy/calm, but she just didn’t want to play. Sometimes they would sleep in a big kitty pile; she washed ears and foreheads for them; but “Take your rough-housing somewhere ELSE!” And Taffy and Cleo bonded at first sight: he tried to wash her ears clean for her – she was Siamese, so you can imagine how long he worked on that.

        Our more recent pair had each been only (adult) cats before we moved in together. He wanted to be her friend in the worst way. She clearly considered that he was a big oafish interloper. They would sometimes sleep on different levels of the cat tree simultaneously, or opposite sides of a sleeping human; there were never any knock-down-drag-out fights, but frequent “I was here first” or “This is MY mommy” hissing and glaring episodes. We were satisfied with armed neutrality in the end.

      3. Jenesis*

        This is definitely something I’d like to do with my new kitten. I imagine she’d be less lonely if she had another kitten to play with when Mommy just wants to get some work done. However, I only live in an 800 sqft condo and she mostly has the run of the place, so trying to erect a physical barrier to create two separate spaces during the initial introduction phase seems untenable.

        Would it be disastrous if I just brought in another cat and tried to keep a close eye on them?

        1. Generic Name*

          If they’re both kittens, I think it will be fine. (Maybe an unpopular opinion) that’s how I introduced my two kittens; roughly the same age, but different litters. They got along fine.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I agree. I’ve never done any particular long-term introduction with kittens and never had any issues.

            1. Nicosloanicota*

              There are stages of kittens that factor here I think – it’s like, will any two baby humans get along? Yes, almost certainly; babies don’t have the wherewithall to have preferences. Two human toddlers? Probably, more or less, if they have compatible temperaments. Two school age children? Likely they’ll play, but not certain and they may need some time to sort it out / revert to fighting at times. Two teens/adults, it’s like 50/50 but they can probably (maybe) learn to be civil if you don’t push it and they have space. Also, a fair number of cats get along as kittens but then grow out of it and want more separation.

      4. old curmudgeon*

        I’d recommend the same thing. When our older cat’s companion cat died and the survivor was clearly lonely and bereft, our vet recommended getting a pair of youngsters rather than another adult. The kits were rambunctious and rowdy with each other, but they quickly learned to respect the elder statescat, who appreciated their company as long as they were respectful of his boundaries.

        I’d suggest contacting a local rescue org to see if they can recommend a young cat about the same age as K who has been shown to get along well with other cats. A good rescue org will have insights about their animals’ personalities, especially if the animals are fostered rather than kept in cages.

        Good luck, and thank you for taking in a kitty who needed a home!

    4. Cat Referee*

      Thanks for the suggestions! I need to be better about playing with K to wear her out. I did buy a clicker to start clicker training as a way to occupy her, I just need to get started with that..

    5. carcinization*

      Is there anything preventing you from having solo time with each cat? My two cats each have their own rooms, so I’ll shut one up in his room and hang out with the other one for awhile, then do the opposite, and then also have time when both cats are out. Sometimes I do this when one cat is closed up so that he can eat. I definitely think the cats have a better relationship with each other and with me due to this.

  32. Seashell*

    Any recipe suggestions for a high protein/low carbohydrate soup that tastes good? Meat is fine, but I don’t want just a hunk of meat in broth. Maybe something like chicken + vegetables?

    1. Abigail*

      Thai chicken soup is really good. Coconut milk, bone broth, and curry paste mixed together for the base are high fat, low carb. From there you can add shredded chicken, vegetables, ginger, garlic, etc etc

    2. Not A Manager*

      I make veggie soup all the time, then add shredded chicken, tofu or meatballs in each portion.

      My soups usually have carrots, onion, celery, parsley, zucchini, green beans, canned white beans, shiitakes, bitter greens such as escarole or arugula, and frozen corn, limas, and green peas.

      Season up individual portions with your choice of kimchi, ginger, hot sauce, Parmesan cheese, etc and whatever protein you like.

    3. ronda*

      I didnt make it myself but a food service I was on had a keto Zuppa Tuscana soup that was very good

    7. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Smitten Kitchen’s Braised Ginger Meatballs in Coconut Broth is amazing. She recommends it with rice, but you can obviously skip that if you want. She also has a short rib french onion soup that’s popular but I haven’t tried it.

      Classic beef stew, but with turnip instead of potatoes?

    8. Generic Name*

      1 lb hamburger
      1 tsp garlic salt
      1/2 tsp garlic powder
      1/2 tsp pepper
      2 cans kidney beans, undrained
      4-5 beef bullion cubes
      2 16 oz. cans chopped tomatoes
      2 cup water
      1/2 head cabbage chopped

      Brown hamburger. Add rest of ingredients and simmer for 1 hour.

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We make a zucchini sausage soup that is delicious. Sliced zucchini, canned tomatoes, Italian sausage, onions.

      1. threecatsandcounting*

        This one from Recipe Tin Eats is delicious and different:

        https://www.recipetineats.com/lamb-shawarma-chickpea-soup/

        You could leave out the chickpeas for lower carbs though they’re a nice part of it. I’ve made it vegetarian before by subbing the lamb with TVP granules and extra butter, and my sister who doesn’t eat lamb made it with beef mince and says it was still delicious.

  33. desperateforfood*

    Food ideas, please!

    Morning sickness (the sort that’s lasting all day) is kicking my ass, but I don’t know how many more pieces of toast with marmite I can stomach. Anyone got some snack ideas I can try? I don’t think I’m at the HG stage but the last few days have certainly been trying!

    1. sagewhiz*

      No food suggestions, but ask your ob/gyn if you should up Vit B—that often helps with “normal” morning sickness

    2. JustEm*

      I had really bad nausea and vomiting of pregnancy (hyperemesis) and ended up needing prescription meds. That said, weirdly one of the better tolerated foods was very very simple bean and cheese burritos – a tortilla with some plain canned refried beans and cheese, cooked briefly in the microwave.

    3. CityMouse*

      Everyone is different. Eating small meals helped me a lot. For the nausea salt and vinegar lays chips helped me. For me it would hit worst at certain times of the day, like 10:30 AM and 4 PM.

      Don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor if you feel like it’s interfering with your ability to go through your day.

    4. Nicosloanicota*

      My mom always swore by gingerbread biscuits, the hard snappy kind like Nyakers, for any type of nausea (mostly carsickness but I believe also my sister’s morning sickness). I think real ginger is okay for pregnant people but would obviously check first.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        Ginger People’s ginger chews made a huge difference for my pregnancy-related nausea. I stuck them to the roof of my mouth for a longer-lasting exposure. During the time I carried them everywhere with me, someone showed up to our sports game super nauseous from a hangover. I gave her a ginger chew and it cleared her nausea right up.

    5. Llellayena*

      I’m not sure if morning sickness responds similar to non-pregnancy related nausea but I use the following for nausea:
      Mint tea
      Flat coca-cola
      Rice with thyme, if you can cook the rice in chicken broth, there’s some extra benefits
      Lemon flavored water ice
      Spearmint gummy candies (the ones that look like leaves)

      Haven’t tried this because my nausea doesn’t tend to be long term, but maybe roasted cauliflower? If you find you can handle cheese a bit, ricotta with some light flavoring (lemon, honey) makes a good snack and is smooth going down.

    6. Generic Name*

      When I was pregnant, I ate foods considering the experience if it came back up. So Froot Loops were better than Raisin Bran, if you catch my drift. Then, I had a chocolate flavored boost or almond milk to get some calories back in me. Chai lattes also settled my stomach. As did lemon head candies

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Plain soda crackers, especially if you can leave them by the bed and eat a few before getting up in the morning.
      Flat ginger ale for any kind of nausea, though I don’t recall how well it worked on morning sickness.
      There was a brand of antacid called Titralac that my OB/gyne recommended. No idea if it’s still available or recommended. He said even if it didn’t help, some extra calcium was generally a good thing.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Crackers and grapes. It helped to keep these by the bed and eat them before I even got up in the morning.

    9. Double A*

      When I was pregnant I craved sushi. I know that’s supposed to be off limits for pregnancy, but actually it’s just the raw fish that’s risky. Veggie sushi is just fine, and I found it was a really good balance of neutral but filling. Or even just rice with butter and salt.

      Also taking half a unisom before bed helped a ton; talk to your doctor about over the counter options. They’ll recommend those first before going to prescriptions, likely.

    10. Amey*

      Seconding crackers which I nibbled all day, but one of my main all day morning sickness meals was boiling some chopped potatoes (I left skin on). I added some frozen peas and sweetcorn a few minutes before the end, drained, smashed the potatoes slightly and added butter, salt and pepper. This was just about all I could handle both nausea and effort-wise because I felt so rubbish, but it was very comforting to me! Not very balanced but better than eating nothing which was the alternative!

    11. chocolate muffins*

      When I was pregnant a midwife told me that protein helps with nausea and carbs can make the nausea worse longterm. I ate a lot of cheese in various forms, like babybels or taking some sturdy crackers and melting some cheese over them (melted cheese seems gentler on my stomach than regular cheese).

    12. AnonAnon*

      Candied ginger helped me a bit with that. I also realized I could eat pretty funky things in the two hour window between noon and 2pm and keep them down. Chicken massaman curry, for one, believe it or not!
      Ginger tea. Cream of wheat. Baked custard. Sweet/tart things like crabapple jelly as well.
      Good luck!!

    13. Coffee*

      crackers, apple sauce, cereal but with both of my kids I was often surprised by certain things like could eat – apples and peanut butter was really satisfying and didn’t make me feel worse. so if something sounds good, just try it!

      also keeping my stomach from getting empty. I had snacks everywhere even by the bed so I could nibble if I woke up in the middle of the night and eat first thing in the morning
      for most people it does subside by the end of the first trimester so crossing my fingers for you!

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Also, try sea bands. The nausea of morning sickness is very similar to that of motion sickness. (e.g. Unlike flu or food poisoning, throwing up doesn’t relieve the nausea.)

      I wasn’t sure if the bands did anything until the day we were out on choppy water and I figured they were pointless and took them off–and immediately my nausea went way up. After a few minutes I was like “Guess I was wrong about that” and put them back on, and it dialed down again. I now view them as a way to turn down any sea sickness by two notches–mild to none, moderate to mild, severe I really just want to get off this boat.

      1. desperateforfood*

        My husband ran out to get me a pair last night and I just had the first night in a month where I didn’t wake up three times gagging! Took them off this morning for my shower and the nausea came back so fast. Thanks for the recommendation — works a TREAT.

    15. Reader*

      The things that helped me during the peak of my pregnancy nausea were high-fat carbs without a ton of spice/flavor – like shortbread, thickly buttered toast, buttery crackers, etc.

    16. Qwerty*

      I find the chocolate protein shakes by Slimfast (original recipe, not the new super-protein one) really great when I’m dealing with awful nausea both in making me feel better and ensuring I’m still getting the vitamins/nutrients I need despite not eating. Mine comes from migraines and a lot of food intolerances, not pregnancy. I suspect one of the ingredients neutralizes something in the stomach because I usually get similar relief to taking nausea medication.

    17. Observer*

      A lot depends on what is setting you off.

      In addition to what’s been suggested, a few things that I found helpful in different situations

      Almonds – preferably raw
      Nuts in general – I found that lightly salted and roasted worked better for me.
      Anything really lemony.
      Crispy broiled chicken. I found that trimming most of the fat but leaving the skin got me the best results.

    18. desperateforfood*

      Thank you, everyone!! Definitely going to give some of these a go. The ginger thing — I normally hate ginger but out of desperation I tried some ginger beer and I had half an hour of feeling human! Might be this + seasickness bands for me!

      (Unfortunately, can’t use the two main meds my doctor would prescribe so unless we find a nice little miracle I’m on natural things for a while!)

  34. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Does anyone have recommendations for a website or app for cocktail recipes? I’d like one that lets me add which ingredients/liquors I currently have, and provide only recipes I can make (or suggest things I can make with one more ingredient).
    One big issue I’ve been running into, is that the apps are super limited unless I pay a subscription. I would be perfectly happy to use a website rather than a standalone app. I don’t mind ads, I just don’t want to subscribe to what is basically a fancy cookbook.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      The Cocktail Virgin blog has been going since about 2007, and has a huge variety of recipes, from basics up to really unusual stuff. It’s officially by four people, but there’s one writer who does the bulk of things and I really like his writing.

    3. BellStell*

      The Guardian website has a section called The Good Mixer Cocktail of the Week. Some great recipes!

    4. chatgptfoodie*

      I haven’t tried this for cocktails, but I’ve been usining ai to generate recipes with the ingrediants I have. It’s by far my fav new cooking tool.

  35. Forensic13*

    My husband and I are planning a trip to Portugal this year with our four-year-old. We plan to stay in Lisbon for about five days and then we want to move to a second location for 3-4 days. Any recommendations? We’re pondering something near the coast so our daughter can play on the beach, but that’s not mandatory. We’d prefer to avoid the SUPER touristy areas if possible. Especially if there’s anywhere that’s experiencing over-tourism and is pushing back (which: fair). We’re open to getting there by train or rental car.

    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Porto is the obvious city option, and it is beautiful (I think I liked it more than Lisbon).

      We did a hike along the coast in the Alentejo region, which is beautiful and less busy than the Algarve, although generally a bit cooler and rougher water since it’s on the Atlantic coast. We really liked the village of Carrapateira and it had two different and beautiful beaches nearby (Amado and Bordeira). We didn’t go, but Odeceixe beach looks really cool!

      We took buses for the start and end of our hike and to Porto, but you probably will want a rental car to get to smaller places, especially if you’re not right on the beach.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Also, you can do Sintra as a day trip from Lisbon, I wouldn’t say you need to go there as a whole separate stop.

    2. Bulu Babi*

      Alentejo is great, here are closer alternatives, depending on the weather and month.
      Just south of Lisbon you have the beach town of Sesimbra. And from Setúbal you can take a ferry to the peninsula if Tróia, which is paradise on earth if you don’t go in August, when it might be too full of people. There’s beaches, Roman ruins, and nice bike and walk paths. You can do dolphin watching in the wild with thoughtful biologists from either place.

      If you go in the oak of summer, then to avoid the masses and the heat waves, drive a bit North from Lisbon. There are beautiful beaches in Costa Oeste (name of the region), and the DinoPark Lourinhã was an absolute hit with my then 4yo. There are cities full of history and culture there, too: Tomar, Mafra, etc.

      I’d recommend renting a car for the days outside Lisbon, especially with a kid. Rentals at the airport are the simplest (but they take a while, so it might be best if only one of the adults fits to pick up the car). In Lisbon you’ll be fine with public transport.

      My dad reported that Sintra turned into a tourist hell last year.

    3. Forensic13*

      Thanks for all the tips! I forgot to say that we are going in May, which should hopefully help with avoiding the most extreme crowds (and temperatures).

    4. londonedit*

      As long as you avoid Albufeira and the golf resorts, there are plenty of non-touristy places on the Algarve. Even the most ‘touristy’ places are less touristy than their equivalents in Spain, really. It’s a straightforward drive down from Lisbon, or there’s also a train that goes through some lovely countryside (though I’d recommend having a car if you want to explore the Algarve).

      If you’re not from the UK just bear in mind that the last week of May is the school holiday here and a lot of people will head to Portugal on holiday for that week – as long as you avoid that week, there shouldn’t be vast numbers of people around. There are some gorgeous beaches – particularly Praia Grande which is near Armacao de Pera (which is one of the larger towns along the coast) and which stretches along past Salgados, with a lovely nature reserve and a huge beach that can be practically deserted out of season. I’d also recommend a visit to Silves which has a beautiful cathedral, a Moorish castle and lots of winding streets to explore.

  36. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun low stakes question of the week: design your ideal New York style pizza!

    I’m working on an imaginary one for work: a southwest style with poblano peppers, chorizo, corn, fire roasted tomatoes and either smoked cheddar or queso sauce (with the base being mozzarella and regular red sauce.)

    What would you like on your ideal pie?

      1. David*

        Oh that’s not boring, that’s knowing your pizza! Doing New York style pizza right means putting only one or two toppings on it, if any. :-p (I kid, sort of, but the crust is so thin that if you load it down with too many toppings, it’ll fall apart.) Pepperoni is a classic and is also my go-to choice.

        1. WestsideStory*

          Total agree, you always have to consider the thin crust of a New York style pie. My favorite combo is anchovies and sliced artichoke hearts.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, my favorite style of pizza is a thin and crispy crust, which works well with a minimalist pizza. My husband likes all the toppings and Chicago-style deep dish pizza casserole. :)

    3. Grilledcheeser*

      Pepperoni (the cupping kind!) and sliced green olives, extra sauce, light mozz cheese. Yummmmmmmmm.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Love this question!

      My fave is pineapple, onion, and garlic.

      In NY, they don’t give me any attitude when I get it, but in California, this one deep dish place used to say, “Are you SURE?” when I ordered those toppings.

    5. Samwise*

      I had a spectacular Neapolitan style pizza at Spacca Napoli in Chicago: fior di latte, Gorgonzola dolce, mascarpone, prosciutto, fig. Holy moly, best pizza ever.

    6. Morning Reader*

      What is New York style pizza? What you describe doesn’t sound like pizza to me at all. Lately I’ve noticed restaurants with “flatbreads” on their menus, which appear to me to be quite pizza like. Could that be what you’re aiming for?

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Yeah this is going to get soggy and fall apart real quick, if this is an actual NY-style pizza. Sorry to be a downer!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Thinly sliced pears, roquefort (possibly with a fruit element), herbs. Maybe a little red onion.

    8. carcinization*

      My husband and I always used to order spinach, bacon, chicken, pineapple from a certain pizza place.

    9. Sara K*

      On a bianca base I like grilled zucchini, ricotta, chilli flakes, and caramelized onion with fresh mint added once it’s out of the oven.

  37. Looking for bins*

    I wish I had bins to store my falling-over stacks of various sorts of underwear, socks, etc, on a shelf in my closet. Is there an online source that sells a good variety of bins that might work for this? The bins I’ve seen on ye olde amazon are the wrong size/shape or are wire mesh (which might snag).

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Wayfair has some terrific stacking bins with magnetic doors that we use in our bedroom and hallway closets. You can put them on wheels or just on the floor. Link follows for one set but they have several styles.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I use clear plastic Sterilite bins for this, and it’s a giant win for me! Zero pretense of folding underwear, or socks, or washcloths, or handtowels. Just a big separate bin for each.
      I actually have a bin for sheets as well, but I know I’m an oddball there. It’s just too painful to try to fold sheets, so I smush each one into a wad and shove em in the sheets bin. (Clearly I do not care about wrinkles.)
      I have successfully ordered them off Amazon. The only caveat is there’s 2 versions of the lids— the good version, where the edge wraps pretty far around the upper rim of the box wall, and therefore “clicks” and stays on well, and the crappier but cheaper version I got off Amazon once that has a really shallow lid that doesn’t stay on well. Which didn’t impair my use here because I want good lids for *storing* clothes but don’t use any lids for “active” clothes bins.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Seconding the Container Store.
      And also, think about folding things the way Marie Kondo does. It’s an incredibly efficient use of space. There are easy to follow videos on the Tube of You

    5. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      You could also just buy shelf dividers. If your shelf is one long horizontal ledge, the separators are enough contain the stacks and to keep things from falling over. They make different kinds for wire shelves vs solid.

    8. bins*

      In addition to these suggestions, Ikea has some decent bins and boxes! You can also, in a pinch, use paper shopping bags trimmed or folded to height.

  38. Rosey*

    Hope this isn’t too work-related, I don’t really think it applies only to workplaces at all. Latest news about tampon machines being removed from Facebook’s men’s rooms and it occurred to me, why only tampons? Is it likely that it is genuinely only tampons and not also pads? I mean, are tampons that popular in the US, such that machines or free menstrual products don’t also include pads? I’m not American, maybe this is a cultural difference? I’ve been menstruating for 30 years and never found tampons worked for me, and I doubt I’m alone. Surely providing pads would reach a broader range of people? Or is this a Coke-means-all-sodas situation, and tampons is shorthand for menstrual products? Or is it just because the people doing the reporting are cismen and they don’t know wtf they’re talking about?

    (Also I know the tampons in the men’s room topic might attract trolls, that is not my intention. Genuinely interested if anyone has any insight into why they’re only talking about tampons and felt I needed to give context for my question, so please don’t engage with the trolls and make more work for Alison)

    1. RagingADHD*

      I think it’s a “Coke means soda” situation, because “pads” has multiple meanings and tampon does not.

      1. Rosey*

        I suppose, although ‘menstrual products’ would be both specific enough to not be misunderstood and cover both pads and tampons. Or is it possible that the average reader might not know the meaning of ‘menstrual products’?

        If it is a Coke means soda situation that is really fascinating to me. A new one for the dialectical maps!

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Dunno, but my work has one (out of dozens) of bathroom with free (or any) period supplies, and it’s definitely both tampons and pads.

        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          All bathrooms need menstrual supplies, that’s the point, and that’s the deliberate cruelty here. It’s not about the particular supplies that were previously available – nobody is going to say “well pads are okay in men’s rooms but tampons have to go”.

    3. TPS reporter*

      In the US, I have seen many places that will only offer tampons, my guess is that tampons are seen as more discrete. don’t you know periods are shameful?

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Yes my instinct is that in the US, there are tampon machines specifically for tampons, and they would not also have pads. I suppose people who only use pads would have to fold up toilet paper for an emergency stopgap. I suspect tampons may be cheaper per unit, specifically the kind in vending machines – just a cotton piece and some string in a cardboard wrapper. But you certainly *could* make napkins just as cheap, and I feel like I used to see them more often, like in school. Just not the fancier kind I buy. I do know some people who can’t use tampons at all as adults, and I think it’s not uncommon for young girls to use only pads at first.

        1. Rosey*

          Interesting, your comment brings up partly what I was getting at. Forgive me if I’m getting it wrong, but the last sentence of your comment makes it seem that you view tampons as the default for grown-ups, and pads for children or adults who can’t hack it. This is an attitude I have only seen online, I think mostly or entirely from Americans. It is one of the potential cultural differences I was referencing in my OP.

          1. bay scamp*

            This person actually says they use “fancier” pads themselves, so I don’t parse this as them passing judgment on those who use them.

          2. Seashell*

            I think it depends on the person. My mom was a tampon user 100% of the time. She had no pads the first time I got my period, so she had ask a friend to bring some over.

            I didn’t try tampons until I was about 14, despite having gotten my period a few years earlier. After that, I used one or the other, depending on the circumstances. Pads were less prone to leaking through and I generally found them less aggravating due to no issues with peeing with them. However, there were some outfits where they might show, and I swam occasionally, so tampons were useful then.

        2. RagingADHD*

          I often see machines with both pads (delivered in a little box) and tampons (in a little tube). They are both awful.

    4. CTT*

      I’m guessing it’s because the machines can fit a lot more tampons than pads and therefore need to be refilled less often.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think the relevant thing is that tampons are inserted. So if you’re going to shriek, flap your hands, and collapse in terror at the prospect of using one–or even seeing one, and having its power overwhelm you–it’s always about tampons and not pads.

      1. Rosey*

        Oh, that is an interesting take. You mean that the thought of a trans man (or anyone, I guess) using a tampon is more disturbing for people on that side of the culture wars, due to the fact that tampons are inserted (thus implying…idk, vaginas, penises, penetration… I’m not even sure…)?

        1. Catherine*

          Probably! You would be appalled by how many men I’ve met who think that inserting a tampon is sexually pleasurable and/or that inserting a tampon can make someone no longer a virgin.

          1. Rosey*

            Yep, that is pretty appalling, god! I’d not heard or imagined the sexual pleasure part before.

            I do remember a childhood friend’s mother not wanting her to use tampons as a teenager, even though as a dancer they would have been better for her.

    6. StudentA*

      Plenty of those bathroom machines hold pads only, not tampons. It’s a coin toss. Actually, I would say pads are more prevalent.

      1. Rosey*

        I have not spent much time in the US but I have lived in several other Western countries and I think I’ve generally noticed that those machines, when present, tend to have both. However, I have only found myself needing to use them a handful of times in my life, so it’s not like I have noticed them a lot.

        My current university (UK) has free pads available in some women’s rooms. I have not noticed tampons but I am not a tampon user so I might just be blind to them.

    7. Kt*

      I have a related question, since I’m from Minnesota with a kid in school and so know for a fact that the story about Tim Walz and tampons was false (they’re not in boy’s restrooms, they’re in some shared ones, girls’ ones, or with the nurse — schools don’t have enough money to stock them everywhere). While I believe it’s true that Zuckerberg banned them…. were they ever there in the first place?

      2. ThatGirl*

        Yes, Meta had menstrual products in its men’s rooms because they employ trans men and nonbinary people. I’m not sure why that’s hard to believe.

        1. Rosey*

          In fairness to Kt, I read that as them wondering if Facebook had ever done as they’d promised and put the menstrual products in the men’s room in the first place.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          I think the insinuation is it’s hard to believe Meta would be that considerate in the first place, but easy to believe they’d be jerks.

    8. Roland*

      I don’t think “tampons” is a shorthand for “menstural products” per se, but I do suspect that in this case, machines probably had tampons or pads or both and it wasn’t something article writers cared to distinguish.

    9. Is it Friday yet?*

      tampons are definitely more common in the US versus some other countries I’ve been to, to the point where I’ve advised colleagues on work travel to bring tampons with them, if that’s what they use. I’ve been places that have no idea what a tampon is!

      1. Rosey*

        For sure! I’ve been travelling with tampon-using friends in some countries where it’s hard to find tampons. But I’ve lived in several western countries, including Canada, which is probably the most culturally similar country to the US. Tampons are not at all hard to find, but I wonder if there’s still a difference in popularity of different products or attitudes to use of different products.

  39. Similar to PDX?*

    I love Portland, OR for its temperate weather, beauty, walkability, access to nature, and availability of interesting activities. What other mid-size (or large) U.S. cities would be a similar option? You could realistically live in PDX without a car (I’ve done it), so that’s a plus, too.

    1. Grits McGee*

      Washington, DC hits all of your criteria other than maybe temperate weather. (I grew up in the deep south, so my idea of temperate weather is probably different from yours.)

      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Yes, moving to DC my biggest surprise was how close it is to nature (granted, a car makes that easier – but Rock Creek park is also surprisingly large and varied with metro/bike accessibility). My previous “big city” experiences were Chicago and New York, both of which have nice parks but also endless sprawling dense suburbs. DC feels much more compact to me.

    3. Almost Academic*

      Lived in PDX for 6+ years, and in various locations around the US. I haven’t found anything exactly the same, but closest are –

      1. Bay area, CA (especially Berkeley, SF) but it will cost you
      2. DC area, as another commenter stated
      3. Triangle Area, NC (especially Durham) – harder but not impossible without a car
      4. Boston, MA – be willing to give up temperate weather, and car will make getting to nature easier
      5. Richmond, VA – again, harder without a car.

    4. Camelid coordinator*

      Except for the temperate weather (it gets pretty cold), I’d say Providence, Rhode Island meets your criteria. It has a lot going on for a smallish city, and there is a ton of nature nearby and nice walking paths along the river in the city itself.

      1. Similar to PDX?*

        I’ve heard great things about Providence before! If you were to rent an apartment in the heart of the city, is there an ideal neighborhood or area for accessing those aforementioned (including car-free) factors? I can look at a map, but it’s not always easy to get a feel for things besides rent, airport access, grocery access, etc). I appreciate your opinion and insight! Thanks!!

        1. Camelid coordinator*

          I am pretty new to Providence so former PVD-er below might have more basis for their opinion. I think the Wayland Square neighborhood and the area near Brown are both very walkable.

          1. former pvd-er*

            Yeah, the East Side (name of neighborhood Camelid coordinator describes) is walkable and nice. Having no car and no need to leave the East Side is doable. Elmhurst is also nice, and also walkable if you don’t plan to leave the neighborhood. Providence in general lacks what I consider beauty and varied, interesting things to do.
            Downtown does have Trinity Rep, which is world class. And there’s minor league hockey.
            Also since airport was mentioned, FYI the PVD airport isn’t actually in PVD. It’s in another city – although it’s something like 12 miles away. 45 minutes by bus according to google but I’ve never attempted to get there that way so I have no idea if the route is reliable or runs convenient hours for actually catching flights.

            If you throw out the not needing a car, it’s close enough to Boston to include interesting things to do there as interesting, but the transit in Boston significantly better, and Providence is no longer a significantly lower cost of living than Boston. Not that I’m saying move to Boston instead, but it used to be one of the upsides of PVD was close-enough-to-Boston but less expensive but that gap is a lot smaller now.

      2. former pvd-er*

        I very disagree. The vibe is the two cities is nothing alike. There is nature nearby, but you can’t get to it by public transit. I also don’t think the public transit is all that good. All that and it’s not temperate at all.

      1. Donottry*

        We thought about moving to Portland and have thought about it for a long time, but whenever we visit, we talk to natives who say the rains are really hard to deal with.

  40. Reader*

    I’ve tracked my reading over the past several months (I’ve read 70 books since May) and these books were my favorite! Have you read and liked any of them? Any recommendations for me?
    – Tom Lake, Ann Patchett
    – There is No Ethan (NF)
    – You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey
    – Just for the Summer, by Jiminez
    – The Ministry of Time
    – The Sentence, by Erdrich
    – A Walk in the Park (NF)
    – Sandwich
    – The God of the Woods
    – Birnam Wood
    – The Goldfinch
    – Crazy Rich Asians
    – Cassandra in Reverse
    – All Fours
    – Whalefall
    – Come and Get It, Kiley Reid
    – The Hunter, Tana French
    – The Rachel Incident
    – Romantic Comedy
    – The Happy Couple, by Dolan
    – Marple (collection of short stories)

    1. WellRed*

      I just picked up the hunter today at my local independent. Sandwich is also on my to-read list. I know I’ll like the hunter, I’ve liked all her stuff.

    2. Bonne chance*

      I listened to the audiobooks of Sandwich and Tom Lake (read by Meryl Streep!) and liked both! Several other of your favorites are on my list of to-reads.

      If you liked Tom Lake, I’d recommend The Dutch House, which is also by Ann Patchett. (The audio book is read by Tom Hanks, if that’s of interest!). If you like both of those Patchett books, then three other books jumped for their similar attention to family dynamics, belonging, and identity: A Place for Us (Fatima Mirza), God Spare the Girls (Kelsey McKinney), and Pineapple Street (Jenny Jackson).

    4. Pentapus*

      I really liked The Wych Elm by Tana French. beautiful story about privilege, and how you don’t know you have it, combined with a detective story.

    5. IT Manager*

      I found Tana French due to this group/site and eagerly devour everything I can find. What a writer!

      I also enjoyed many of the books ok your list so I’ll add some of my favorites this year –

      Latest of the Thursday Murder Club series – osmond
      Latest of the Louise Penny Gamache series
      Project Hail Mary – weir
      Latest of the Scholomance series – Novak
      Longhorn – baker (I haven’t found any other alternate-Austen that I liked, but this was good. The Other Bennet Sister was also interesting)
      Scythe – shuster
      Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone – Stevenson
      Anything by T Kingfisher

    6. mreasy*

      If you like Ann Patchett, she has a tremendous oeuvre and I love all of it. The Dutch House may be my favorite of hers.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I feel like we have similar tastes and some of my favorite reads recently:
      – The Monsters We Defy
      – Fencing with the King
      – Landslide
      -Adventures of Amira el- Sirafi
      -Thank You For Listening
      -Admission by Jean Hanff Korelitz

  41. Insulindian Phasmid*

    I’m hoping someone can lead me to some research I’ve been interested in. For a long while I’ve been curious about the cultural evolution of Kosher rules among Jews who keep (Disclosure: I was raised Jewish but am not now, and we never kept Kosher anyway). All I ever seem to be able to find are WHAT the rules are, but I’m interested in how they’ve changed over the centuries.

    How did we get from “don’t cook a calf in the milk of its mother” (which in literal terms could be sidestepped by having two cows) to “you have separate dishes for meat and it’s a big deal if a guest accidentally uses one of the cheese dishes for their turkey sandwich”? What were the steps like along the way? What methods of keeping Kosher used to exist and fell out of favor?

    I’d appreciate any help!

    1. Esprit de l'escalier*

      The Wikipedia entry for Kashrut might be a good starting place. It’s very thorough, although it just touches on the history. The basic laws come from the Torah, but the elaboration of those minimal laws into a way of life is in the Talmud and later rabbinic writings, and it’s still evolving around the fringes (as it were). Some things are in flux or unclear or vary by community, so people ask their local Orthodox rabbi when they want an authoritative answer to a kashrut dilemma. It’s my impression that change over time has been that the rules keep getting more strict.

      1. Insulindian Phasmid*

        Interesting…I mean, to some degree I’m just assuming there’s been cultural change over the last multiple millennia because there’d HAVE to be. I’m really interested in the things that vary and change. But maybe that’s a very Reform-raised perspective and staying largely the same is part of the point in other communities.

        When you say “later Rabbinic writings” how late do you mean? I’m seeing around 500 CE give or take for the Talmud so I’m definitely looking for later than that! I had the weird thought that there must have been questions of how to store different foods when refrigeration came into the average house.

        Thank you!

        1. kashrut*

          There’s some of what you’re looking for in the chapter on kashrut in How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household by Blu Greenberg (for example, differing views on dishwashers, how people handle travel, etc.). Also, check out The Sacred Table, edited by Mary Zamore, which is a collection of essays on the evolution of thought and practice related to kashrut in Reform Judaism. It has some historical details (and plenty of citations for further reading), but I also just found it very interesting as a Reform Jew who doesn’t keep kosher but prefers ethical eating.

          2. Insulindian Phasmid*

            I also found a book in the Kashrut sources called Jewish Eating and Identity Through the Ages which looks like exactly what I wanted!

    2. HannahS*

      I’m curious as to why you’re interested, if you no longer consider yourself Jewish.

      In general, Jews follow a framework that’s kind of like common law; it evolves with the rulings of judges–in our case rabbis. The laws of kashrut are set out in a few places in the Torah, then later interpreted in the Talmud, and then later by local rabbis as the diaspora expanded. That’s how we wind up with the dietary laws set out in the Torah being followed by all observant communities (not eating pork is a good example; pork is excluded in the Torah,) while laws that were determined later (like whether or not it’s ok to eat rice on Passover) are different depending on where in the diaspora you’re from. And then another intersecting layer is denominational differences, where rabbis from different religious traditions in the same geographic area disagree (for example, regarding glass cookware, which did not exist in ancient times.)

      I assume you’re being facetious with the idea that you could avoid the issue of milk/meat by having two cows but it’s not likely that this was the case, anymore than coveting the missus two doors down would solve the problem of “do not covet your neighbours wife.” I often hear Jews say things like that, “Oh [law] came from [verse] which literally just means [literal meaning]” but that’s a really reductive and dismissive way of engaging with any text–whether holy or literary. Ancient Hebrew is a vague and poetic language; a lot of the Torah is quite clearly metaphorical and considered so even in Orthodox Jewish spaces. With respect to that particular law and many like it, historians often have a good guess of what a law was getting at by comparing the customs of ancient Israelites with the practices of their neighbours.

      1. HannahS*

        I realise my answer sounds super-serious. I actually think it’s a really interesting and fun question! Judaism is very much a living and evolving practice. I don’t have specific resources on kosher laws–after the Talmud, the Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) and the Shulchan Aruch (Caro) were instrumental in spreading and standardizing Jewish law in the diaspora.

        You also might really enjoy two modern books: The Grammar of G-d by Aviya Kushner and If All the Seas Were Ink by Ilana Kurshan. They are both written by modern Jewish women who decided to engage with ancient texts in non-traditional ways.

        1. Insulindian Phasmid*

          Thanks for the recommendations! I’m being facetious but also a little just…literal? It’s really fascinating to me how the very specific literal meaning became this entire sprawling set of rules to live by. I’m autistic and I can’t help feeling like if I lived in pre-Kosher times and heard that rule, I’d probably think it was okay to set up a milk-share with a neighbor. (I’m aware that it’s not the point – iirc the calf-in-mother’s-milk was probably a ritual from a different tribe that the Jews were supposed to not partake in? But my brain just works that way sometimes)

          As for my story, I began interacting with the gods I have now (mostly Hermes and a few other Olympians) when I was about 11. At the time I decided that breaking the first commandment meant I wasn’t Jewish anymore. The adults around me refused to let me explore that identity, which really hammered home to me that I didn’t want it… they also made fun of me when they found out what I WAS believing in, and I became a hardcore atheist/areligious-ist for a large portion of my teen years. I’ll never know whether I’d be comfortable going back to a secular Jewish identity now if they’d behaved differently then, but I’m not comfortable with ritual or services or holidays. My family wasn’t very involved in being Jewish outside of the religious aspects. I don’t feel a connection to Judaism even in a secular sense just because we sometimes had bagels for dinner.

          I also believe fervently that no group has the right to claim me as theirs without my consent. Someone else’s opinion that my heritage means I have no right to leave them just…makes me angry.

        2. Insulindian Phasmid*

          Re: the way my brain works (once that comment’s approved) I had a genuine conversation with my (kosher-keeping) Sister in law about why a cookie that doesn’t have any baking powder shouldn’t count as “unleavened bread”. That’s another place where I’m genuinely kind of confused – how do we get from “unleavened” to “no rice or grains of any kind” and why? Why are you allowed to eat chicken in an omelet if you can’t have beef with cow’s milk? (also saw a fascinating argument between conservative Jews about that one, only semi serious)

          And again, I understand that a lot of the point is the ritual, I’m not trying to find loopholes. Or by any means to tell anyone they shouldn’t follow their rules.

          1. Insulindian Phasmid*

            Oh shoot, I did misread you. I’m just interested because it’s interesting. Because I don’t understand and it’d be fun to understand. Because I know my literal autistic brain isn’t getting the full picture.