my friend hired me but isn’t paying what we agreed, we get free food as “appreciation” but I can’t eat any of it, and more by Alison Green on April 29, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My friend hired me but isn’t paying me what we agreed A friend of mine recently started a business, and I happened to be the perfect candidate for the job because it’s a very specific niche. I was working for someone else, and she asked me to work for her. I would be getting paid the same amount and working the same hours, so I agreed to work for her. Unfortunately, she hasn’t been holding up her end of the deal with pay, and the hours are way different than we initially discussed. The first few months I was understanding because business started slow, but months later I’m finding that nothing is changing. I also am finding I’m helping her in many ways that take up my time and are basically free for her because I’m a friend. I want to know how to approach this situation and bring it up to her without ruining the friendship entirely and burning a bridge. I can’t keep going like this because not only am I not making nearly what I thought I would as we discussed, but I also am putting a lot of time into helping grow her business, which I was happy to help with but I’m starting to feel like I’m being taken advantage of. My previous job was an established place and usually very busy. I was paid the same amount every day even if it wasn’t fully booked. My friend said she would pay me the same per day, but somewhere along the way she changed that without discussing it with me. In the beginning I understood that with only a booking or two in a day, she couldn’t pay me the full amount per day. But recently it’s gotten very busy and even on days we worked all day, she would pay me half or a fraction of what we said. I’m there sometimes 8-9 hours and getting paid nearly nothing, plus doing extra tasks. I want to tell her that if she doesn’t have the ability to pay me the full amount if she’s struggling that I just show up and do individual bookings for a fee each. But I don’t know if that’s out of line. I hate to make it about money, but I’m getting so tired. I work two jobs and it’s starting to interfere with my other job and this one I do on the weekends, so if I’m going to trade my time to work I want to make it worth it for me. You say you’d hate to make it about money, but it is about money. She lured you away from another job with an agreement about money that she has failed to uphold. It’s okay to be honest that the money matters! Friend or not, the agreement was never that you’d work for free; the agreement was that you’d leave another job to help her in exchange for an agreed-upon amount of money. Say this to her: “I tried to be flexible when you were just starting out, but I was only able to leave my other job because we agreed that I’d be paid $X. With that not happening, I can’t make this work financially and need to find other work, so I’m not going to be able to keep coming in.” If you’re truly wiling to just do individual bookings (and aren’t just looking for something to placate her), you could add, “I’d be able to just come in for individual bookings if we stuck to a per-booking fee, but that’s the most I can do with our current set-up.” (But also, are you really willing to do that? It sounds like it would prevent you from finding another weekend job. It’s okay to just stop completely.) As for the worry about the relationship: right now it sounds like you’re worried a lot more about the relationship than she is. She hired a friend away from a paying job and then immediately broke (and is still breaking) her promises about pay. Let her worry about keeping your friendship under those circumstances, particularly if she gives you any guilt about leaving. 2. We get free food as “appreciation” — and I can’t eat any of it This is a low-stakes question, but it is bothering me a bit. I have been a teacher at my current school for seven years. There are approximately 60 teachers and a similar number of support staff. Our required monthly faculty meeting takes place at lunch, but lunch is provided to “compensate” for losing a duty-free lunch (which is part of our contract). Required professional development is flooded with candy to make it more palatable. During parent/teacher conferences, dinner is provided since we have to be at school so late on those days. Every spring, we have teacher appreciation week, where the parent-teacher organization provides food for us every day. The issue is that I have type 2 diabetes. I take no medication or insulin; I manage it strictly with what I eat. It is incredibly frustrating to me that during all of these events, I cannot have any of the perks. I can’t eat donuts, sandwiches, pizza, candy, sweet drinks, pasta, cookies, etc. I have never seen a single low-carb option. I bring my own lunch to faculty meetings and conferences. I actively avoid the faculty lounge during teacher appreciation week to avoid the temptation and awkward questions about why I’m not eating whatever is provided. I have excellent will power, and I would certainly never try to dictate what other people eat or don’t eat, but I feel a little overlooked. I know I can’t be the only person on our staff who has this issue or other dietary restrictions, but it seems like no one else has a problem with the constant barrage of carb-loaded snacks and meals. Is this worth mentioning? Am I being too sensitive? Is it reasonable to ask to occasionally have something to show appreciation that isn’t food-related, or do I just need to let it go? Free food is an easy go-to because so many people love it, and a lot of them love it passionately. It can be hard to come up with another similarly priced perk that will please as many people as free food does. But it’s absolutely reasonable to ask for a wider variety of options! For example, with the required monthly meeting, talk to whoever organizes lunch, explain you can’t eat what’s being provided, and ask how to ensure there’s something there you can eat. If this is a required lunch, they really, really should ensure they’re accounting for your needs (but they can’t if you don’t tell them what you need). And can whoever liaises with the parent-teacher organization ask them to provide a wider range of options — not just sweets, but fruit/a veggie platter/whatever specific suggestions you can make that would work? You probably won’t be the only person who would appreciate having healthier options included. But someone has to speak up and request them! 3. My spouse’s company is suddenly competing with mine My husband and I have recently become competitors at work, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Our relationship started before either of our current careers and, for over a decade, we had no overlap whatsoever. Over the last few years, our roles have been slowly converging. Fast forward to this week, and I’ve been on calls at my job where my husband’s agency has been named as a direct competitor to a project my company is pitching to the client I work on. It’s not the team my husband works on, but he knows that team well and they even collaborate on some of his projects. Do you have any advice to handle this with work? I’m not worried about handling this with my husband; we just won’t discuss the project together. We occasionally vent about work together, but in a general way (“Jane is up to her shenanigans again” or “that contract I’m working on still hasn’t been signed”). Am I obligated to mention it to my boss? Should I try not to get involved in this new business pitch? It’s a good opportunity for me at my job, but the more I am involved, the more I feel weird about hearing about his agency as the main competitor. You should disclose it to your boss; it will be much weirder if it comes out later and it turns out you knew and didn’t say anything. You don’t need to frame it as a big deal. You can simply say, “I feel like I should let you know that my husband works for CompanyName, since they’re also pitching for the X project. It’s not his team and I’ll be scrupulous on my side about not discussing anything related to X, but I thought I should tell you that in case it poses any conflicts.” 4. Explaining I got bad news during a vacation I just went to visit my parents, and my coworkers know that was the reason for my recent time off. The visit ended with my dad in the hospital and he will likely either not recover at all or recover enough to be discharged into home hospice care. How should I best deal with the fact that my whole team is going to ask how my vacation went? Should I send out an email to my immediate team that basically says, “Before you ask, my trip ended with my dad in the hospital so please don’t bring it up”? Should I pretend it was good? Should I say it was rough every time someone asks? Should I grunt and change the topic? I imagine you won’t be able to respond to this before I need to figure out my own answer, but I’m asking in case it helps someone else. It depends on what you’re comfortable with. It’s fine to say, “It went differently than expected. My dad had a health crisis while I was there and that’s still ongoing, so we’re working on that currently.” If you don’t want to get into it, it’s also fine to reply with something bland and vaguer (anything from “it was OK, how were things here?” to “there’s some health stuff going on in my family, so it was a hard week”), immediately followed up by a subject change if you don’t want to discuss it more. I’m sorry about your dad! 5. How can I help my dyslexic and ADHD employee write better? I have a wonderful junior employee who is enthusiastic, a fast learner, helpful, has a excellent analytical mind and is an all-round delight to work with. However, her writing needs improvement. Some of the gaps I’d expect from any junior employee (know your audience, be concise, structure documents logically, check spelling and grammar before sending to your manager), but some are probably due to her dyslexia (words out of order, incorrect homophones, errant punctuation) or possibly ADHD (maybe some of these examples are really about attention to detail). She disclosed these diagnoses to me recently. How can I help her improve while accommodating her neurodiversity? Most of the dyslexia resources I can find give strategies to help with reading comprehension, but I don’t think she has any issues there. I’ve seen suggestions to use AI writing assistance tools but, due to legitimate reasons, our workplace is unlikely to have these anytime soon. Whenever you’re trying to figure out what accommodations might help someone, the Job Accommodation Network is a really good first stop. They offer an encyclopedia of potential accommodations for a wide range of disabilities, and a super helpful starting place for thinking about options. Their page on accommodations for learning disabilities might be exactly what you need. (Scroll down to “accommodation ideas.”) They also have something called “Situations and Solutions Finder,” where you can enter keywords based on disability, limitation, and/or occupation, and they’ll pull up examples of real-life accommodations they’ve seen made. You may also like:boss keeps giving me food I can’t eat, employee gave lots of notice but we have a replacement already, and moremy boss makes me wear her clothes, eat her food, and say I'm grateful for my jobmy new boss treats me like his assistant ... which isn't what I was hired for { 122 comments }
Ask a Manager* Post authorApril 29, 2025 at 12:01 am A note: the reply function is not currently working (you can leave top-level comments but not replies to other comments). I’m aware of the issue and it should be fixed at some point on Tuesday.
SamiLou* April 29, 2025 at 12:23 am For OP 2: During Teacher Appreciation Week, while the PTA supplied lunch every day, our administrators arranged for (two days, I think) to have massage therapy students come over at lunch time. They would bring their massage chairs – where you kneel a bit and put your face in an open cushion. Everyone who wanted one could have one – each session was about ten minutes or so. No removing of any clothing, nor any use of oils or lotion. Glorious!
Viki* April 29, 2025 at 12:34 am For OP2: when you bring it up, please bring suggestions for food. Especially when the default is pizza, what is something that is in that vein? It will make things easier to switch if you have suggestions. Alternately, is pizza with a cauliflower crust something you can have? That’s the low carb option at my local pizza place.
o_gal* April 29, 2025 at 2:56 pm And make sure they put aside or hide your food. Or make sure you are first in line to get it. Because suddenly everyone will want to try your gluten free cauliflower crust pizza, leaving you once again with no food.
AcademiaNut* April 29, 2025 at 12:57 am I agree, providing specific ideas that are as close to what is provided is a good idea. I find that batch ordered lunch options tend to lean high carb whether they be standard, vegetarian, gluten free, etc., because the starch component is the cheapest part of the meal. This transcends cultural borders; I’ve had the pizza, sandwich and wrap versions, and also the rice based version that’s the default in East Asia. So having ideas about food that will work can help a lot. For snacks; a veggie tray with dip is a nice change from pastries and fruit.
Cherry Sours* April 29, 2025 at 1:06 am For the dyslexic employee, is it possible to provide access on her computer to Grammarly? I’m a college student with ADHD, and I actually have the paid version. It’s great for spellcheck and rewording awkward passages. There are likely other resources that will be helpful in addition to this, but I consider it a lifesaver.
The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2* April 29, 2025 at 1:17 am #2 – I, too, am Type 2, but I have always found something – can you request something like a salad, or open-face sandwich? If you don’t say anything, they won’t accomodate you.
I didn't say banana* April 29, 2025 at 1:25 am I’m sorry, LW#4. If people knew you were going to see family, can you say something like “It was good that I went” or “I’m glad I was able to spend some time with family” and then change the topic? That makes it clear it wasn’t fun for you without going into details.
BellStell* April 29, 2025 at 1:43 am I really like the new site design and navigation! LW4, I think saying something along the lines of what is suggested by commenter I didn’t say banana is a good option. And I am sorry about your dad too.
Dahlia* April 29, 2025 at 1:43 am This is a little random, but I really like this brand of protein shakes https://www.alaninu.com/en-ca/collections/all-products/products/30g-protein-shake-fruity-cereal You can get ’em at CostCo – I like the strawberry shortcake flavour ’cause it just tastes like chocolate milk. They’re pretty low in sugar, too. Might be something that could be added on since it seems like sweet drinks are already being bought? Maybe also sparkling waters? Lots of people like fun drinks that don’t have lots of sugar.
Venla* April 29, 2025 at 1:48 am #4: Im sorry this happened. The way one of my colleague handled similar situation is that she called her manager before returning from vacation and told her in general what had happened. She asked the manager to inform our team, (saying that they had a health crisis in family) and that she doesn’t really want to talk about the vacation or situation in general. The manager informed us before her returning and people did respect her wish. Hope everything went as smoothly as possible when you returned to work.
Been There, Done That* April 29, 2025 at 2:00 am LW1 – did you have a signed agreement with your friend when you started work with them? A document that sets out your role, duties, hours, hourly rate, PAYG tax and Superannuation, payment terms, all of that kind of thing? As a contractor it’s essential to have an agreement signed by both parties that covers you both. It’s the only way to work with friends or family and maintain the relationship, and also in instances such as yours you can point to the agreement as the basis for being paid in full. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.
GR* April 30, 2025 at 4:59 pm For context, I’m in Greece and things are a bit different here. I never signed any sort of agreement which is bad, I know. Another lesson there…But I did trust her word initially and stated all the things I was willing to leave the other job for. She promised to sign me on as a permanent employee because I told her if I left my other job I wanted benefits. That never happened of course. This was back in Nov/Dec. She keeps saying she is waiting on a gov subsidy but I don’t trust her word anymore.
Epsilon* April 29, 2025 at 2:08 am Along with what Cherry Sours said about the use of Grammarly, AI is really useful to help with managing writing. I use ChatGPT (free version) a lot. I ask it to summarise what I have written so I can check that what I am wanting to be said is what I am saying. I ask it to check my spelling, punctuation, grammar, flow and cohesiveness. I ask it all sorts of questions about how to do particular things with the computer. I have also asked it to help me craft emails or work out what to say to someone, using a particular tone but also setting clear limits. It has helped me with my writing for meaning hugely. The more I have used it, the more it appears to recognise my “tone” and when I ask it to put my ideas into order, it writes very similar to the way that I write. I argue with it, and it often backs down! It has produced some very humorous replies to friends’ questions or statements. I’ve got a friend who’s a high school teacher of English and history. Rather than banning AI in her students’ writing, she has embraced it and taught them how to use it ethically. She has seen an increase in the depth and breadth of her students’ writing and wouldn’t be without it. I’m not sure why you say that your organisation won’t or doesn’t have it. Maybe one of the accommodations for this employee is that she has access to an AI assisted writing program.
KateM* April 29, 2025 at 2:09 am LW#1 – you say you hate to make it about money. What would you prefer to make it about then – about your friend abusing your friendship? Seems to me that making it about money is by far the safest course – you just can’t live without enough money for food and place to live etc.
Me* April 29, 2025 at 10:04 pm I recommend she ask for the money she is owed. And not do any more work until her “friend” pays up.
Jeam* April 29, 2025 at 2:33 am for #5, there are special dyslexia-friendly fonts or fonts that are better for people with dyslexia, like the famous Comic Sans… from what I read this can help people with dyslexia read better. also a spell checker like a phone has, if that’s possible for a computer. I used to have a friend who had a lot of trouble with dyslexia, but then she got a phone with spell-check and suddenly she was a really good (and mostly correct) writer!
I'm the Phoebe in Any Group* April 29, 2025 at 2:41 am #5, start by talking to your employee. What you wrote in your letter to Alison is great: a lot about what the person does well and specific areas that need improvement. You’re kindness comes through clearly, and that will go over well. Have this conversation with your employee and ask them what accomodations will help or how you can best support them.
Agent Diane* April 29, 2025 at 2:56 am For OP5, please ask your employee if she has any preferred accommodations that would help! Be clear you might not be able to use some of them for data security or cost reasons. But she might say something that she knows helps and that is easy for you to do (like the dsylexia friendly fonts, or working in a separate office when she proofreads her work). She might not know exactly what will work for her in this environment but working on this with her will be better than presenting her a list you’ve researched alone. If she’s early career it demonstrates the power of asking for reasonable accommodations to her, and it makes it a constructive conversation.
duinath* April 29, 2025 at 3:00 am #1 i do in some ways feel like this is a good illustration of why i think it’s wise to keep professional relationships separate from personal ones. you can’t make your livelihood a favor for someone else. your job and paycheck is not something you can just let slide because a friend is having a hard time. this is your life. there are real consequences, and you can’t ever depend on other people to prioritize that like you need them to (sure would be nice though) and it’s easier to draw a line when you don’t feel like you’re betraying a friend when you do it. not to mention this kind of thing absolutely can blow up friendships (and families). i think a clean break between work and personal is easier to handle in the long run. work for your boss, hang with your friends, and do not make sacrifices for someone else’s business unless you are very clear on what that sacrifice will get you.
Julia* April 29, 2025 at 3:10 am Oooof, I feel for #4. I am recently back from one of those ‘trips of a lifetime’ holidays, and I got the news my father passed away while I was away. I let my boss and team know quickly as I wasn’t sure when the funeral would be and didn’t want them worrying if I didn’t come back when I was supposed to, but letting others at work know has been difficult, as they are wanting to hear about the fun I had while I was away. Luckily so far most people have just murmured condolences and moved on.
HiddenT* April 29, 2025 at 3:11 am #1, your friend is taking advantage of you. The way you speak about this situation is really heartbreaking because you’re so worried about not hurting her feelings, but she clearly doesn’t feel the same about yours. You need to ask yourself, would a good friend have put you in this position in the first place? She is taking care of the finances, presumably, and she knows she’s not paying you what she promised. I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you can save your friendship, because it’s likely that as soon as you tell her you can’t keep working for nothing, she’ll get angry at you. Just remember that it reflects badly on her, not you. You deserve better.
Nodramalama* April 29, 2025 at 3:20 am LW2 I am confused whether you’ve tried just telling the organiser you have a dietary requirement, and if so, why not? How can they overlook you if you haven’t told them you can’t eat the food? Presumably the other people don’t have an issue with the food because they don’t have any dietary requirements.
AngloNemi* April 29, 2025 at 3:24 am Thank you for the information about the Job Accommodation Network – my employer is not US based but we do have clients that are headquartered in the US and we were wondering how to navigate the recent anti-DEI clamour. While it’s great that the Disability Inclusion elements of the DoL’s work haven’t been defunded, it does make it apparent that DEI means something quite different in the eyes of the current administration. Trying not to accuse the US Gov of multiple “isms” but the evidence is right there.
ChurchOfDietCoke* April 29, 2025 at 4:21 am Another (vehement and enthusiastic) vote for Grammarly. One of my team has been using it recently and the quality of her work (she’s a learning designer) has improved enormously, and she’s happier and much more comfortable in what she does.
Nebula* April 29, 2025 at 4:25 am LW2, you can’t expect people to magically know that you need other types of food, especially since it seems you’re pretty discreet about your dietary requirements. In an ideal world, yes, there would be a plethora of options covering a range of diets, but in practice, it’s assumed that you will let organisers know if your diet is different to most people’s. I’m vegetarian, which is fairly common, and I’d always expect there to be something without meat at an event, but I still let the organisers know so they can order appropriate amounts of veggie food. You could also definitely ask for something non-food related! I’m sure lots of other people would appreciate that as well. You seem really tentative about the possibility of asking for anything – what do you think will happen? That someone will get mad at you? The worst that will likely happen is they say no or ignore you, which wouldn’t be great, but would only leave you in the same situation as before.
JSPA* April 29, 2025 at 4:28 am #5, even if workplace practice / privacy issues ban AI and “help you write” programs, 1. does that ban extend to (say) the grammar check function in your software? It tends to be rudimentary (if not AI-driven) and thus often flags longer and more complex sentences. But for “wrong word” problems, it works reasonably. 2. Is your report self aware enough about the problem that she could take instances of known homophones, and run an equivalent but non-sensitive sentence through her phone, speaking it in? Say she has to write, “the bimonthly nuclear widget production lines are consistently missing (their/they’re/ there) targets.” Could she say, “the arrows are missing their targets” into her phone, and let google supply the right answer? “What would you use if you didn’t have access restrictions, and what partial equivalents might be achievable within our privacy limits” is how I’d think about this. 3. If this writing is for internal communication, and the meaning is clear, discuss with her how much she cares, how much you care, and what she’s willing to disclose, to avoid the presumption of sloppiness? There are occasional high-profile people who are open about dyslexia, and just… make it known… that their excellent ideas will be presented in non-standard writing. Most people can’t pull that off (for reasons more cultural than personal). But with the rise of voice-to-text, I get the sense that many people (even sticklers) are becoming more willing to give a pass to a section of text that has multiple uncorrected errors. 4. Any chance that the problem is that she is already using voice-to-text, but without a grammar recognition feature? More generally, “Show me how you write and check your writing, in case that suggests a fix we can use here” might be illuminating…and should let you gauge if she’s already spending a disproportionate amount of time and effort.
Media Monkey* April 29, 2025 at 4:29 am op3 – i work in an agency (as do lots of my friends). my husband isn’t in the same industry but there are plenty of couples who are. generally couples don’t work on pitches for the same client – one of them will excuse themselves (and would either take it in turns or whoever can be most easily replaced by another team member). and agree never to talk about how the pitch is going.
JSPA* April 29, 2025 at 4:34 am LW 2, Given this is an educational job with a contract, is there a union? If so and if bringing up the issue does not lead either to a stipend for you to cover your own food, or an ample supply of food you can eat… You could find out how the union feels about contractual time requirements being breached, by offering free food (as opposed to, say, time-and-a-half, plus free food? Meetings DURING contracted hours?). My guess would be, they’re not a fan.
Rainbow Brite* April 29, 2025 at 5:46 am 2. Use your words! When I saw your letter I assumed you’d asked for different food and been ignored. Bit stunned to realise you’ve just not said anything. You need to tell them!
UKDancer* April 29, 2025 at 5:55 am OP2 I’ve organised a lot of lunches and events in previous jobs and I’d much rather people said their dietary needs than suffered in silence. Some needs are easier to meet than others but if I know what they are I can do something about it.
Jen* April 30, 2025 at 5:53 am Yes! Likewise, before social potlucks I’ve asked on the facebook or whatever event page “does anyone have dietary restrictions?” I already know some of my friends’ restrictions, and if anyone’s going whose restriction I don’t already know, I want to know that too so I can bring food they can eat too.
bamcheeks* April 29, 2025 at 5:55 am LW5: strongly agree with JSPA’s advice: first and foremost, decide how much of an issue your report’s writing problems are. Is this a “I cringe when I see it but it doesn’t matter for internal communication”? “It’s fine in this role but it’ll hold you back when you want to go further”? “We need this to better and we don’t have capacity for a second person to proofread your work”? And find out as well how much of a problem she perceives it as: is she “I’ve done all the work I can do to improve this, this is as good as it gets”, or “I hate this and I’m anxious about it but I simply have no idea what will help”, or “I do what? I had no idea!” So identify and layout the type of problem that it is for your employee. Hopefully, you can find a place where you both agree that whilst it’s not the defining quality of her work, it’s an area to work on and something you can both afford to put a bit of energy and time into. And then ask what she’s already doing, what she’s tried in the past, and what she’d like to try if there was opportunity or budget. Let her know that this is a good time and space for experimentation: it’s not a case of “find One Weird Trick that corrects everything”, it’s a case of try different fonts, sizes and colours; try reading your work out loud or asking the screenreader to do so; try different spelling and grammar checkers; take extra time to set something aside and then review it with fresh eyes; research software options and work with IT to find out what is and isn’t included in your plug-in library / budget / AI policy. Hopefully she will find a solution or (more likely) a mixture of solutions that make a significant difference and become part of her normal working practices. Personally I would say that it’s not your job to give her the tools or the answers: your job is to motivate her to improve, make sure she knows that she is supported to take some work time (and potentially budget, if there are software options that can help) to try to find options that work for her, and to check in regularly to find out how she’s getting on and let her know when you are seeing improvement (or not.) Basically, provide the framework and support for her to take responsibility for her own improvement. Good luck!
Lady Lessa* April 29, 2025 at 6:15 am I like the idea of a veggie platter, and even a fruit one. I am a poll worker and now more in a vote center leadership. I always bring a large veggie platter for workers. (I haven’t seen too many voters ask about it, but we would NEVER say “no”.) Also, for left overs, I just turn them into soup. Just a seasoning package, protein and a crock pot.
Wednesday wishes* April 29, 2025 at 6:41 am Please approach your PTA (or whoever provides the appreciation food) and ask them to see if they can request healthier options! Then give them examples. Usually these appreciation lunches are sent in by volunteers and if they have some requests they would be happy to fill them. As parents we are usually on our own to think of things to make- or even when its catered we go for the fancy. I personally always baked because that is what I do best. If there were requests for healthier options (which I never even thought about!) I would have definitely thought of something better. If it is catered please ask them for a grilled or roasted chicken with veggies or steak dish or something else you can eat. If they are truly showing appreciation they will have no issue with some suggestions.
EngineeringFun* April 29, 2025 at 6:55 am #3 I go to Florida every month or so to be with my mother with Alzheimer’s. I help my father out alot during these trips. Most people think I’m at the beach most days because it’s Florida. When they ask how it went I focus on the positives: oh we went for some nice walks, I got to the pool most days. I took my mom shoe shopping. Then change the subject.
DJ Abbott* April 29, 2025 at 7:06 am @SamiLou’s idea for #2, great idea! I can’t eat anything ready-made, but would love a massage! I wonder if there are other physically soothing things that could be done. Maybe a short (10-minute) Zumba class?
I should really pick a name* April 29, 2025 at 7:12 am #2 Especially for provided dinners, explain the situation to the organizers and have them order a meal specifically for you (doesn’t even need to be from the same caterers). This can be a useful approach if they’re resistant to changing the overall menu.
Teaching teacher* April 29, 2025 at 7:23 am I am in a similar boat as #2. In addition, it’s my job to write the thank you letters for those things. So I’m always writing thank you letters to the board, PTA, etc , for meals I never tasted. That said, I’m in a small town and know that some of the places they are ordering from have no options for me. My town has two restaurants and neither of them have vegan options, I’m not going to ask them to leave town to get my food. When the school secretary is ordering individual foods from somewhere out of town, she will always accommodate me. But when an organization provides a buffet style meal I’ve never gotten anything.
Llellayena* April 29, 2025 at 7:29 am #5: I have a co-worker who plugs what he writes into ChatGPT to ask for improvements. Not sure if you’re allowed to access the online AI options and are only blocked on installed programs but that could be a good option. He’ll still occasionally have me read something through to make sure the message is right but it’s been a huge improvement in his writing overall.
Citymouse* April 29, 2025 at 7:52 am LW1 – this person is using you. Anyone else would have quit or reported them to DOL. Let’s not sugar coat this: refusing to pay you what was agreed and not paying you at all for days work is wage theft. This person is not a good friend to you and is using your friendship to mistreat you. Don’t be loyal to someone who’s using you.
Paulina* April 29, 2025 at 3:16 pm To build her business, too, at the expense of LW1’s own finances and career. LW1’s expertise is in just the specialized niche the “friend” needs, yet is being exploited.
Reply!* May 1, 2025 at 8:23 am Yes I feel a bit ashamed I fell into this because we were friends and shared the same interests. I thought it could work out but when I started working for her she showed her true colors. I saw behaviors in her I didn’t see outside of work. There was also lots of extra work like helping her set things up, coming in off hours to do tasks because “she needs me and can’t do it without me” and not to mention free advertising by making reels social media posts to promote her business. There’s many layers..but ultimately it’s affected my finances and livelihood and she lied about being able to pay me the same amount for sure just to grab me from my other job because I was already trained and have many years of experience. There are no other people in the area I live that offer what I can to her.
Tea Monk* April 29, 2025 at 7:52 am Hm with all the AI answers I would still try to get the report to develop their own skills and abilities. maybe show them what a good report looks like, the expectations of writing one. If you never gained skills, you’re not going to be able to build on them.
Contracts Killer* April 29, 2025 at 8:15 am OP#2, parent here! We want to make EVERY teacher feel appreciated. Most of the parents I volunteer with on the PTO would feel awful to know that some teachers cannot participate due to dietary constraints. Please let someone on the PTO know and I’m confident you’ll see a change. And be specific if you can. Something like – “type 2 diabetic, cheese, meat sticks, anything high protein and low carb (not “diet”).” We had feedback recently about wishing there were healthier choices and savory snacks so our candy/cookie bar is now fruit, cheese, cookies, and chips. I’m taking your feedback to heart and letting our PTO know that we should ask the teachers to voluntarily submit to us any food allergies/dietary restrictions so we can try to ensure we have snacks for everyone.
Suzie and Elaine Problem* April 29, 2025 at 8:16 am #1: Friendship is a ship. And sometimes ships sink. This concludes my TED talk.
Ellis Bell* April 29, 2025 at 8:23 am OK OP1, these are the rules: 1) If a friend offers you a job (or even to hire you for something temporary), you use the phrase “Oh, definitely not; I wouldn’t want to risk our friendship by mixing it with business”. These words will save everyone a world of trouble. 2) If a friend does stiff you, or seems to forget that you need money to live, just bring it up as a simple reminder, with really aggressive cheerfulness: “I need to keep to our agreement/you owe me x/ I need to be paid for last month”. Don’t let them blame non payment on a friendship argument – keep it friendly, but explicitly say whatever it is they have forgotten to do. 3) If your anyone tries to change a pre-existing arrangement on how much to pay you, friend or not, say “I’m sorry but what we agreed to is as low as I can go, so I’m out. Good luck though!” 4) If you haven’t done 1, or 3, it is never too late to say it! “I know I said it was fine helping out temporarily but I need to go back to either earning my previous rate or getting my weekends back.” or “I think it is better for our friendship if we don’t mix it with business.” 4) You don’t owe friends free work, and they should know not to ask.
darsynia* April 29, 2025 at 8:27 am The new ‘sagas’ tag may have been so new that it didn’t get migrated with everything else, as it’s not working! It went down a few hours after announced when I was mid-saga and I keep hoping it’ll come back up, just wanted to note this, and thank you <3 LW#1: Alison's comment about letting your friend worry about keeping YOUR friendship is spot on. I read a lot of stuff here and on Reddit about situations like this, especially neighbors–you did not create the situation by being taken advantage OF! The other party is the one who created the conflict, not you by pointing to it. I'm sorry this happened.
Polaris* April 29, 2025 at 8:31 am Oooof, LW 3, a situation like this literally changed the course of my career. For the good, but d@mn was it frustrating. * I worked for contractor A. * Spouse was newly hired for newly created position that oversaw, reviewed, and verified all contracted construction work in our region. This was a NGO but they did “public work”. Important fact at this point – when spouse was hired, we weren’t even chasing this segment of the market. * Spouse (correctly) informed his bosses that I work for Contractor A and am not an admin, either but was in a directly affected department (i.e. I would be doing things that would fall under review of my spouse as the end user/customer). * Spouse’s company deemed that Contractor A either could not have me work on projects in our region with associated legalese and such, or that we could not work on projects in our region if excluding me from working on them was not tenable (it wasn’t). * My boss at Contractor A was livid because we were trying to get work with NGO completely out of the blue. We had to date done $0 for them in the history of our company. We didn’t have the staff or tools to do this work, either, but he wanted to expand our business model. (Great timing, eyeroll) * My boss’s suggestion is that either we sign a statement saying that I didn’t work on things (knowing darn well that that was a flat out lie) OR someone else could sign off on anything from us (i.e. my spouse could just pass along his actual job to someone else if we won a contract) * My spouse’s employer laughed at those suggestions, because to be clear, they held the cards, not my employer. It was not long after that due to restructuring, I was let go. It absolutely worked out in the long run, as there were definite bee hives in that company, and not ironically, Contractor A still has yet to work with NGO. My spouse was beyond horrified at the time that this was the end result, because it was absolutely not an issue at the time of hire!
mango chiffon* April 29, 2025 at 8:32 am LW5: would text-to-speech functionality work or help if it is read out loud to the employee before something is sent? It could possibly help to hear when something sounds wrong (words out of order) rather than reading for dyslexia. You could look into the native accessibility features of the operating system you use before committing to any purchases. My cellphone has these features by default by highlighting and selecting the “speak” option which I use with foreign languages to get general pronunciation help.
BigBaDaBoom* April 29, 2025 at 8:33 am Op3: At my company I think we have to do a yearly attestation about conflicts of interest, including spousal/family work at competitors. Clearly you must not have this sort of requirement but the point being – things change and your employer will want/need to know when they do, so everyone is aware of potential conflicts. Tell them…it may not impact what you do going forward in your job but having it on record could be important for all parties.
knitted feet* April 29, 2025 at 8:33 am LW2 – yes it’s reasonable, but you have to tell them! I eat much the same way you do, but most people don’t, and they won’t spontaneously realise it’s an issue if you don’t say anything. Catered meals are usually a carbfest because it’s a cheap crowd pleaser. Most people have never thought about what it would look like to seriously limit their carb intake – and why would they? It’s a very specific way of eating that few people follow, even with the advent of keto and so on. Anyone who doesn’t eat this way has probably never even wondered how many grams of carbohydrate are in a slice of pizza. It’s not on their radar. IME people will often think to order something vegetarian, and sometimes will spontaneousyl consider nut allergies, but anything else you really do have to make them aware of.
A* April 29, 2025 at 8:37 am 2: I would be prepared to have this conversation more than once. It sounds like this food is supplied by administration and, likely, the PTA. So you will need to inform the organizers of both about your dietary needs. I’ve been on the organizing side of this and I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, it is much easier when people tell us what they want instead of what they can’t have. It’s just a lot easier from an administrative standpoint.
LW5* April 29, 2025 at 8:41 am Thanks Alison and all the thoughtful commenters! I will check out the resources and try some of the suggestions. I actually did have a conversation with her shortly after writing in. Turns out she does struggle with reading, she’s just really good at masking! Now that I know I’ll find other ways of communicating. Regarding writing, she wishes for Grammarly but knows it’s improbable in the near term. We agreed that she would be sure to acquit all grammar and spell checks and get peers to proof read before sending to me. Why can’t we have AI assistants? we’re a really big, risk averse (legitimately), slow moving organisation. I’ve contacted the right people, including E&D, to add my voice to the chorus, and put in the right requests, but I won’t hold my breath. How big a deal is it? for some things it’s not a big deal (and so she doesn’t need to apply the tactic above), but others go quite broad or quite high (via me, and I don’t have time to do that level of correction). I think she can have a great career without needing to be a perfect writer just based on her other extraordinary talents, but it’ll hold her back if we don’t uplift a /little/.
Katrina* April 29, 2025 at 8:41 am OP5, I know you mean to help, and AI might be the quickest solution, but it’s not the best. Besides the fact that it steals from writers (many, many of whom have the same disabilities as your employee, myself included), it also won’t help improve your employee’s skills beyond a very basic level. If you want to look into assistive tools, look at ones that will highlight potential grammar issues that your employee can then fix for herself. Some other suggestions to help with the attention-to-detail issues: 1. Print the written piece out in a double-spaced, monospace font (like courier new) and read it on a physical piece of paper. Go over it line-by-line with a ruler or pencil so the wall of text isn’t overwhelming. I do this with any piece I publish, and I always find multiple mistakes, even if I was positive they weren’t there on the screen. 2. Have the computer read the piece aloud (assuming it’s a reasonable length to do that). This is great to identify issues with typos that are still valid words (the ones spellcheck misses because it doesn’t realize they’re wrong.) 3. Cheat sheet for the common homophone mix-ups. I don’t need it so much now, because the mnemonics finally stuck in my head, but there’s a few I had to look up every single time for a long while. (Also I still can’t spell “definitely” without saying aloud “De-FINITE-lee” as I type it.) Your employee will develop her own set of life hacks to make writing more manageable for herself. She’s at a perfect stage to do that. It’s going to be much harder down the line if she spends her early career feeding all her writing to an app that just spits stuff out with no good explanation as to what it changed or why. (AI is notoriously bad at explaining itself, even when prompted. It’s even worse when it makes a mistake and you try to correct it.)
kiki the bee* April 29, 2025 at 8:42 am On food requests for work events: as the person who was tasked with this in a job a while back, please speak up about your dietary needs! Specific requests or suggestions are really helpful too. I know sometimes folks want to seem flexible so they’ll say, “Oh, it can be anything low-carb or low-sugar!” but how low is low enough for your needs? Is a cauliflower crust pizza enough of a cut? Is candy with artificial sweetener a viable alternative for you? Is fruit too sugary? It’s easier to say, “I am on a diet for medical reasons that requires me to be low-carb and low sugar. Would it be possible to include a veggie tray and/or lettuce wraps from Local Sandwich Shop in future lunches?”
Nancy* April 29, 2025 at 8:42 am LW2: No one knows your dietary requirements unless you tell them. So say you are unable to eat what’s offered and make a few suggestions so organizers know what to get. LW4: Just say it was fine. No need to go into details unless you really want to tell them.
SunnyShine* April 29, 2025 at 8:46 am LW5 – I have dyslexia and ADHD. I use Pro Writing Aid. I think it’s better than Grammarly. It helps me a lot. My work encourages use to use AI so I use it too. Right now, it’s about getting accomodations. Even if you keep pointing out the mistakes, it won’t help much. Dyslexia makes me blind to mistakes until later. Yeah, it’s weird. Yeah I read it three times and didn’t see the misspelling. That’s why it’s a disability.
Hyaline* April 29, 2025 at 9:08 am LW5–First–what Katrina said. AI won’t actually help the employee WRITE better (that is, develop the skill), and it’s debatable whether it will even make their WRITING (that is, their product) better, so it’s ok that it’s not an option the table. I teach writing, and though often students who self-identify as having dyslexia or ADHD have particular challenges in writing, what you’re describing is often really common for my undergrads in general. Most have never been formally taught grammar or been drilled in spelling the way earlier generations were–it’s just not part of the educational curricula in most places anymore–so they’re missing some basics that can be hard to fill in later. Depending on how they’ve been taught and what kind of writing they’ve done, they may or may not have a lot of practice proofing their own work and learning strategies for spotting errors. So that said–though I’m not saying accommodations might not be warranted here!–you might also want to think about what you would do to help ANYONE improve writing. Here, the employee might benefit from very clear expectations from you, proofreading practice (and extra time to proofread), proofreading checklists, developing strategies (like those Katrina mentions–I’d add changing fonts which is bizarrely helpful for a lot of people!), and maybe working with some peers to support each other’s practice (often we learn to proofread by getting outside our own head and proofing for others–then we translate those skills back to our own work).
Bumblebee* April 29, 2025 at 9:09 am LW4, you’ve gotten some great suggestions here. I will add that for my team, a number of us are in this stage of life, where visits to family are sometimes about fun and sometimes about checking on people or dealing with crises of aging parents, and we are nothing but sympathetic for each other! It’s nice to have colleagues in the same boat and you may also find that your team understands, and can be a soft place to land after a vacation that is actually a trip to deal with things.
NothingIsLittle* April 29, 2025 at 9:13 am LW5: I have ADHD but not dyslexia, so YMMV. I use a grammar checking application that can flag those types of issues. Mine is LanguageTool, but different people will have success with different programs depending on the type of writing they do and the types of mistakes they usually make. One thing I will flag, Grammarly has gotten significantly worse in the past few years! When I used it in college, it could pretty reliably flag problems and rarely falsely flagged grammatically correct phrases. I tried it again earlier this year before switching, and less than half of the suggestions were grammatically accurate (I went to school for publishing: the “corrections” were wrong in both Chicago and AP style). Plus, the Pro upsell recommendations were wildly intrusive in a way that comparable apps’ upgrade offers are not.
Aww, coffee, no* April 29, 2025 at 9:16 am OP#3, disclose NOW! And I’d suggest that your husband should do the same. It *may* be that everything goes fine and it never comes up / comes out that your company is in competition with your husband’s company but if it does, and you haven’t disclosed, people are likely to put the worst possible interpretation on it. Seriously, this sounds like a situation tailor-made for inclusion in the annual ‘Conflicts of Interest’ training I have to do; just reading your question I was thinking ‘oh, this one is easy, got to disclose’.
AnnaMaria Alberghetti Spaghetti* April 29, 2025 at 9:36 am LW#1: This is why I keep a stock non perishable items at my desk that are suited to my dietary needs. I think a lot of food ordering workers are really kind of clueless. Last week I asked the HR admin at my new job about if anyone has any dietary restrictions in response to a Potluck email and I got the feeling that I asked a really weird question, which is a shame.
Sarah Quenaud* April 29, 2025 at 9:42 am LW #2 – PTO Vice President here, definitely let your PTO know about your dietary needs, we can absolutely accommodate and want to! If your PTO does not have a teacher representative on it, let your Principle or Vice Principle know what you can/can’t eat or drink and ask they communicate that for the next round of conference dinners and appreciation week. We have a few gluten free and vegetarians at our school and we always make sure to have options for them so they can participate in the goodies!
Irish Teacher.* April 29, 2025 at 9:59 am LW2, as others have said, have you tried mentioning this to whoever is organising the food. From what you describe, it sounds like there is a good variety of foods; it just so happens that none of them fit your needs. It is quite likely that whoever is organising thinks that because there is a good variety – from candy to pasta to sandwiches – there will be something that will suit all or most people. I think it’s very likely they just don’t realise that the options won’t work for everybody and may well be happy to change things up if you let them know. I don’t think you are being too sensitive at all, by the way. You should be able to participate in at least some of what is offered and it is quite possible that they would want to accommodate you if they knew the situation.
Food is fun...and hard sometimes* April 29, 2025 at 10:02 am with the food, I’d just be careful…you don’t want to be the person who means we can’t have the good stuff anymore (we’ve discussed at my workplace before that as much as more health conscious options are appreciated that the majority of people would be as happy or happier with pizza…I also find it important to recognize someone is spending their time and money providing this food regardless of whether you will eat it and it is important to respect that by approaching any desired changes respectfully and keeping in mind no one is obligated to feed you…I do get how hard it is to walk into a party atmosphere and realize you can’t partake in any of the options though…been there done that. You get to choose what to put in your body, but making choices right for you sometimes means you’ll miss out).
Kesnit* April 29, 2025 at 3:25 pm I also have T2 diabetes, but am lucky enough to have some flexibility in what I can eat. But it is still discouraging to see food sitting out that everyone around me is eating, but I cannot. Especially when it is food I would love to eat. (I have a horrible sweet tooth for pastries and other baked goods…) Not only is OP2 having to sit there and watch others eat, they have the additional hassle of having to bring their own food – and then stick out more because they are eating something different than everyone else. Telling someone to suck it up and deal because others might be inconvenienced is doing no one any good.
metadata minion* April 30, 2025 at 9:10 am “You get to choose what to put in your body, but making choices right for you sometimes means you’ll miss out” This seems like an odd way to phrase something that’s an actual health need. I choose not to eat meat most of the time for ethical reasons, but if someone can’t safely eat a food, that’s not really a meaningful choice. And it doesn’t sound like the LW wants their workplace to get rid of all carb-heavy food, just include a few choices they can eat. That’s completely reasonable.
Food is fun...and hard sometimes* April 30, 2025 at 1:43 pm I think you’re missing the point. As someone with allergies, I’ve walked into a very thoughtful elaborate (and no doubt expensive) display of drinks and snacks and realized the only thing I can have without a reaction is the whipped cream. In those situations I have three choices. I can politely express gratitude and make an excuse for not immediately partaking, I can feel sorry for myself and in complaining make the person offering feel bad, or I can partake in what looks and smells absolutely incredible and then head to the emergency room. I know I have allergies and never count on anyone providing my food or drinks. Is it fun when I do get to participate, yes, but I need to protect my health and find out incredibly rude to complain to someone who just spent significant time and effort. If someone asked in advance what I could have that’s awesome, but otherwise, I see this as an issue of personal responsibility on my part, not that I am entitled to other people catering to my needs. And I would never ask everyone to eat the way I have to…I went to an event once where they were going to make it so everyone could have everything. The result was an array of options no one liked. (And still included things I couldn’t have)
Lenora Rose* May 1, 2025 at 4:22 pm There has to be balance, though. “Every single option available must accommodate as many people as possible” gets silly (and, you’re right, runs into taste issues), but “Have AN option somewhere that isn’t pizza” isn’t an egregious ask, especially as Diabetes II is not an especially unusual diagnosis. And you should be asking in advance where possible — that’s not rude, especially if it means everyone else gets a benefit you don’t. The options aren’t “nicely wait until someone asks me about diet and if they don’t, oh well” or “complain after the fact”. Maybe there’s nothing they can do because some less common allergies or particularly broad spectrums of limitations can’t be accommodated, but you should ask. And if the OP’s work orders pizza for every single event, it’s not rude to ask for a change or a side, especially if the only alternative is to brown bag it.
Dawn* April 29, 2025 at 10:09 am Speaking as both a diabetic and as a vegan, I can tell you that “diet-only sugar control” is the much more difficult of the two to accommodate, and you’ve got to be really specific about your needs here. I don’t know precisely what your typical diet is but I can make some guesses, and something like “a plain steak with steamed vegetables” isn’t going to be on the menu unless you’re pretty explicit how “no-carb/low-carb” works. And even then it sounds like there might be some challenges.
I interned at Devlin McGregor* April 29, 2025 at 10:19 am For #2 I don’t think you’re being sensitive, but if you haven’t said anything about it you can’t expect them to be mind readers.. So speak up!
Ostrich Herder* April 29, 2025 at 10:30 am Seconding Venla here, #4! If you’re comfortable, please deputize either your manager or a co-worker to let people know ahead of time. My situation wasn’t exactly like yours, but I had a similar instance and emailed my manager while I was still out. My wording was “I wanted to let you know that [thing happened]. Would you be able to tell [coworkers] before I get back? It would be a big help – I wouldn’t have explain it while it’s still fresh, and I can’t imagine they’ll be expecting that when they ask how my trip went.”
roann* April 29, 2025 at 3:29 pm This is exactly what I would do as well. We’ve had similar things come up in my office over the years, including very some specific “She does not want people to offer her condolences over and over on this, please just act normal” instructions, and it was fine.
Ex manager* April 29, 2025 at 10:33 am The union steward inside the building is clearly ignoring the faculty meeting in violation of the union contract – probably because they personally prefer the lunchtime meeting over an after-school faculty meeting, which is allowed by contract. (Our local teacher contract has a duty free lunch, which allows teachers to accept an extra PAY (not food) assignment in lieu, and also has a clause saying that “It is recognized that every teacher’s professional day, whether classroom or support staff, extends beyond student-contact hours to include time for such responsibilities as additional planning and evaluation, faculty and committee meetings…”) Clearly this union steward – and probably the majority of the teachers – prefer giving up a lunch to staying late once a month, and is ignoring their responsibility to enforce the contract accordingly. If LW wants to go to the union on this, they’ll need to go outside the building to do it, and it won’t be popular. As for healthy food, that is pricy, and I can’t imagine where the budget even for the pizza is coming from – probably some form of misappropriation of funds from the supplies budget. Very few government entities like schools budget for paying for employee meals on any sort of regular basis.
Binge Crosby* April 29, 2025 at 10:51 am #1: Somewhere around the top of the list of ironclad rules of being human is this one: Money makes people funny. Hate to say it, but you should probably be ready to kiss this friendship goodbye. I hope you don’t have to, and you can still definitely have a business relationship without being BFFs. But once somebody shows you that they’re funny about money, you’re usually stuck with two choices: the money or the friend. It’s awful, but it’s true. Good luck!
Somewhere in Texas* April 29, 2025 at 11:01 am Since flavored waters are all the rage, I am dropping this idea for anyone who needs it: Water Bar! Bring in a mix of sugar free and regular water mix-ins- powder packs or liquids. The good nugget ice. Filtered water or sparkling water options. A nice cup (even just a clear plastic, throw-away cup with a “teacher appreciation” sticker). Colorful straws. List of some popular recipes with creative names. Keep the nutritional labels handy so those who want to refer to them can. Leave any lefotver flavor packs in the lounge for future use.
Shedubba* April 29, 2025 at 11:02 am LW2, I’m on the PTA for our school. We have several teachers and staff with special dietary needs, and we’re happy to accommodate them if we know what their needs are and what alternatives work for them. Like, when we buy dinner for Parent/Teacher conferences, we get a couple gluten-free pizzas, several vegetarian pizzas, and salads, in addition to the regular selection of pizza. When we bring around a snack cart for a treat for the teachers, we have a selection of sodas, diet sodas, flavored water, chips, cookies, candy, etc., as well as bottled water if that’s all someone would want, and we’re happy to take suggestions if there’s something they’d like that we don’t have. It’s okay for you to ask for this. They want to show they appreciate you! It will probably go over better if you approach it as a collaborative problem solving opportunity, and come prepared with ideas of small changes they can make to accommodate you (like if they can order you a salad with dressing on the side, or provide a veggie tray, or whatever makes sense given what they’re providing and where it’s from). I use a low-carb diet to manage my pre-diabetes, so while my needs aren’t as strict as yours, I do know the struggle. Good luck!
Lynn* April 29, 2025 at 11:05 am For letter number 2 it might be a good idea to show the organizers the glycemic index and which categories they can choose from for meals
HR Ninja* April 29, 2025 at 11:11 am OP#1: Try thinking about it this way. You’re not asking for a loan/borrowing money. You’re asking for your wages. She’s the one holding the match to burn a bridge by not paying you what you both agreed on
Consultant* April 29, 2025 at 11:15 am OP 3, my husband and I have worked at competing firms for much of our careers. It’s been largely a non-issue, but I agree it’s best to mention it proactively.
anononon* April 29, 2025 at 11:18 am LW#2: I just really want to emphasize that when you have the conversation about including food items you can eat, you need to be SPECIFIC about the type of food. Maybe suggest a few different specific dishes. If what works for you is low-sugar and low-carb, it’s likely many people will grasp that, but you may be dealing with someone whose train of thought is “ahh, low sugar and low-carb” –> “dietary restrictions, for health!” –> “there’s that nearby clean eating place nearby that does granola parfaits and brown rice bowls, maybe we could try that.” You would think it would be obvious, but I don’t know how many times I’ve had the “yeah, I can’t have too much acid, especially in the mornings” conversation and then had to explain why I’m not having any orange juice. I think the health aspect just short-circuits some people’s thinking into offering whatever they personally think of as healthy.
TQB* April 29, 2025 at 11:24 am LW #4, I am so sad to hear that there’s another person who returned to work yesterday carrying the exact same burden. I also spent last week with my father, only to have him end up in the hospital less than 18 hours after I left. I spent yesterday responding to the vacation questions with a blend of something reasonable like Alison suggests and just being a mess. I have one friend who seemed to know better than to ask, and all i wanted was a hug.
Chriama* April 29, 2025 at 11:27 am OP 4 – communicate based on whatever makes you comfortable. I recently had a family crisis where the situation was being handled but I didn’t live with the family members in question so I couldn’t do anything except try not to worry. I didn’t tell my coworkers about it because it wasn’t something I needed time off for, they couldn’t offer me any actual help, and I didn’t want the emotional management of having people tell me “I’m sorry” and “it will be ok” when I was just trying to take my mind off things. I’m sure I was distracted at times but I just played it off as not having gotten enough sleep. On the other hand, if this is going to affect your work life, it might be easier to pre-emptively mention things. If you’re going to be managing your dad’s affairs and need to make a lot of phone calls or take time off, it’s worth letting people know so they default to empathy if they happen to be inconvenienced. If it’s not going to visibly affect your work life, it’s still worth considering what choice is best for your emotional well-being. Because people tend to make conversation about things like vacations, it might feel weird for you to talk about only the fun parts, pretend everything was fine, and ignore this huge elephant in your mind. Sometimes sharing stressors in our lives can help them feel a bit lighter, even if people can’t do much for us. I’ve shared some minor stresses (e.g. my landlord wanting to hold on to my security deposit) in the past with coworkers because, even if we’re not super close, talking about it helps me process it emotionally and sometimes they might have useful advice or resources. On the other hand, if your coworkers can’t do much for you (practically or emotionally) and they’re not likely to notice something is up because someone else is taking the lead on making arrangements for your dad, then it might feel better to have one space in your life that’s free from the stress and worry of your dad’s situation. That was the case for the family emergency I mentioned earlier, where it was deeply personal, I was already processing it through phone conversations with family members and close friends, and I didn’t feel close enough to my coworkers to be vulnerable in a situation where they couldn’t provide any real help or advice. Ok, that’s a long post but let me try to sum it up: 1 – if your coworkers are likely to know that something’s up (because you’re suddenly making an unusual number of personal calls or taking time off), I’d err on the side of saying something. 2 – if your coworkers aren’t likely to notice anything but you don’t want to have to pretend that everything is normal, or you feel like not saying anything would be like holding onto a big secret, I’d also err on the side of saying something. 3 – if your coworkers aren’t likely to notice anything and you want to maintain a sense of normalcy at work by compartmentalizing, don’t feel the need to say anything. Not everyone needs to know all the details. I’m so sorry about your dad!
Grumpy Elder Millennial* April 29, 2025 at 11:31 am OP1, if you calmly and respectfully express your needs and it goes poorly, that’s your friend burning the bridge, not you. She has choices in how she reacts and behaves. As long as you’re being a reasonable person, her reaction isn’t something you caused.
foodisneutral* April 29, 2025 at 11:50 am In regards to letter 2, as someone with an eating disorder, I would appreciate if we could not label things “healthy.” Just because something is lower in carbs and/or sugar does not automatically make it more healthy. Obviously if you have diabetes, you are going to have restrictions, I am talking generally. I will step down from my soapbox now.
MigraineMonth* April 29, 2025 at 11:57 am LW 5, I’m just going to add that coming up with disability accommodations is a collaborative process, so make sure you’re pointing her towards the resource Alison recommended and discussing the options with your employee rather than just choosing one for her. (That’s how you end up with an ADHD person who needs audio stimulation to focus stuck in the quietest corner of the building, or the one who can’t focus if there’s noise put in the office’s equivalent of grand central station.) You have a better sense of what will work for the company (e.g. intellectual property protections meaning no AI tools), but she’s an expert in her own needs and she’s almost certainly tried a number of strategies already. Also, just because an accommodation helped someone else with dyslexia and ADHD does not mean it will work for her, so don’t get hung up on the first suggested accommodation if it’s not working.
Chriama* April 29, 2025 at 12:01 pm Op 1 — just to be clear: did your friend lure you away from a full-time job to come work for her? Or is this a part-time thing / for fun money? The only reason I ask is because it sounds like she’s trying to build a business and she hired you for your expertise with only the promise that you’d get the same hours and pay as your current job. Knowing that she didn’t even have a stable client list yet, and that she’d be leaning on you as more of a junior partner rather than just a rank and file employee, that offer was outrageously unfair in her favour. I can’t imagine asking a friend to take a risk on their livelihood for my benefit,, and then only offering them the same conditions as their current job. Also, did you get any of these terms in writing or have any sort of objective record of what was agreed-upon between the two of you? The fact that she’s paying you less than what she promised implies “no”, but if the answer is “yes” than that raises even more concerned about her overall integrity. Memory is a funny thing, so it shouldn’t be relied on in matters of money or business — and if one or both people feel uncomfortable about formalizing something in writing, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be mixing business into your personal relationships. To be honest, the terms of the original offer are so unreasonable that I’m not surprised that she’s now going back on them. Her reasoning is probably that, even if there are days where you’re fully booked out, she has a lot of start up costs, and her cash flow is still unstable so she can’t “afford” to give you more money. Of course, that reasoning ignores the fact that you are an employee and she is an employer, so she has an ethical obligation to meet the terms of employment that she promised you **because that is her role in this relationship**. This is a very common trap for small business owners. They expect you to care about their business as much as they do, be willing to put in the same amount of work, and even bear the same financial risk of a business owner. Meanwhile, you have no ownership stake so even if things take off, you only get compensated like an employee. Risk and reward are supposed to go hand in hand for a reason. To be fair, there are plenty of large corporations that insist they can’t “afford” to pay people a fair or living wage but are still upset that people don’t want to work for them. It’s just that bigger organizations are more likely to have systems in place that force them to comply with the law regardless of personal feelings. If both of you had been comfortable getting the original terms in writing, or if she had made you a fair offer that actually took into account the work you’d been doing for her above to *build her business* rather than just *work* for her, or if she’d even been upfront with you about the missing pay and proactively provided a schedule for when she planned to make up your back pay, I could imagine a situation where talking to her leads to a positive outcome. But based on how things stand right now you should probably just go back to your old job or try to find a new one working for someone you’re not friends with. Yes, there is the risk that if you quit, then you lose your friendship as well. But considering that the employment relationship was flawed from the start, I think your friendship actually has a much better chance surviving if you focus on needing to separate your personal finances and livelihood from your shared relationship. And if that does kill your friendship, then it was doomed anyway, but at least this way you’ll be getting paid fairly.
MigraineMonth* April 29, 2025 at 12:10 pm LW2 – If you can think of an inexpensive non-food teacher appreciation gift that would be, well, appreciated, let people know! Pens? Lip balm? Obviously I’m terrible of thinking of things, so maybe give people a nudge.
Oregon Girl* April 29, 2025 at 12:35 pm I have dyslexia (why is that word so hard to spell?). I want to second the suggestion of Grammarly, or similar software. I have been using so variety of spellchecker/Grammar checker for decades. Also make sure that you are being flexible about what has to be perfect and when some minor typos can be over looked. Finally watch what you say to her, the ableism around dyslexia is extremely common. One good example is assuming that someone with typos in their writing is just lazy.
NutellaNutterson* April 29, 2025 at 12:44 pm For #4 I’d suggest figuring out a specific phrasing you’re comfortable with using, but not using a generality like “in the hospital” because people often follow up with something like “oh no, what happened?” which extends the conversation, and as someone in the “sandwich generation” parents being in the hospital has become ordinary, and is not synonymous with terminal illness. I’m sorry that you’re having to handle this. It’s a lousy club to be in.
NeurodivergentEducator* April 29, 2025 at 12:46 pm OP #5 I’m dyslexic and ADHD. As others have said, Grammerly is amazing. However, if that is not possible since it uses AI, I have a few suggestions below for your staff member. Often with ADHD and Dyslexia, we are so sensitive to mistakes because we’re often told we’re capable of more. One of the ways this presents is over-explaining our decision making to prove we are thinking things through/are smart. She could need permission to write in bullet points, or some direct guidance about written communication structure required in your workplace. Also, please make sure she knows all the ways she’s succeeding. Other suggestions: (also, I’m former teacher, so these are things I did with my students, but may not be options you want to consider as a supervisor) 1. Use text to speech tools to read aloud what was written 2. Take a break before sending something written and do a very different task. Then come back and edit 3. Read a text backward 4. Always have high stakes materials (presentation, memo sent beyond department) proofread by a colleague 5. If AI/grammerly isn’t allowed, are there other word prediction options? Gmail and other google tools have this as an option. There is Assistive Technology tools that can be purchased. Before I worked at an organization that used google tools, I would open my personal gmail to write something and have access to word prediction, then send it to myself. 6. Spell check! Google Chrome has a spell check option, make sure it is turned on. I, occasionally, misspell something so badly that spell check doesn’t have any suggestions or they are wrong. I’ll google what I’m trying to spell and that often gets me the right result. It has the added bonus of also providing a definition so I can confirm that is the word I’m trying to spell. 7. Chrome Extensions: Open Dyslexic (changes digital fonts to OpenDyslexic), BeeLine Reader (gradates font color to help with reading attention/speed) 8. Keep a log of your common mistakes to help with future editing
Gatomon* April 29, 2025 at 10:22 pm > 3. Read a text backward This is a really powerful tactic. My mom was dyslexic and taught me this. You start with the last sentence and read back through your text. I have ADHD and tend to leap right from one thought to another without making the connection explicit in my writing. For longer works, printing it out is really important.
spcepickle* April 29, 2025 at 12:49 pm Word will read your document out loud to you, it is one of my big editing steps – because I can hear when I used the wrong tense or made an editing mistake, or randomly forgot to finish a sentence.
PTA mom* April 29, 2025 at 12:53 pm Re: #2 As an active PTA mom for many years, we can’t accommodate your dietary restrictions if we don’t know them!! Oftentimes the PTA gets food donated by local restaurants, so we can’t be choosy. But we will buy gluten free / vegan / non pork options separately for those who can’t eat the donated meals! And when we order catering from our own budget, it’s even easier, we’ve been ordering a lot from Fresh Kitchen since there are so many options for all kinds of dietary needs. So anyways, speak up! I’m sure your school maintains a list of dietary restrictions (I know mine does, I have an anonymized list that just has quantities).
Coco* April 29, 2025 at 12:54 pm LW2: I suspect you haven’t spoken up yet because you are afraid that you are going to be told no. Sure, it’s possible that they will say that can’t accommodate you, but you will never know unless you try.
Parakeet* April 29, 2025 at 1:01 pm I’m on the other end of the type of situation described in #5 – I’m autistic, and while I am a reasonably experienced public speaker and do fine presenting webinars (a big piece of my job), my evals for in-person speaking (a smaller piece of my job, but not trivial) have not been good, and it’s very clear from the specifics of the evals that it’s about prosody/affect/body language things that are more obvious in-person than during a webinar. I found a related course to take, and my boss found a couple of other opportunities. LW5, in addition to the Job Accommodation Network, perhaps there’s an online course or something out there specifically aimed at improving professional writing for people with dyslexia?
commensally* April 29, 2025 at 1:04 pm LW #4, as someone who has had to take way too much bereavement leave recently, it will definitely depend on your relationship with your team. But if it’s the kind of group where you talk about what you did on leave, it it’s likely you will be going back on bereavement leave in the next few months (and it sounds like you will be) there’s not really any point in being vague about what’s going on. It’ll be a downer to mention what happened but it’s a sad situation, let your work friends share in that, and you can tell them how you need them to respond. (“Not great, unfortunately – my father’s in the hospital and it’s not looking good, [but I want to concentrate on work instead of dwelling on it]/[so I’d appreciate your support if I’m a little distracted]/[whatever else.] “)
Observer* April 29, 2025 at 1:39 pm #4 – Ill father. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I agree with Alison that there is no one right way to deal with this. It really does depend on your situation and how you are dealing with it overall. The only thing I would *not* do is to “grunt” at people. It’s an unduly rude response to a reasonable question. Allison’s suggestions are good. Another possibility is to let one / a few people know in advance and ask them to spread the word. Also, prepare a response in advance. It doesn’t matter what it is – vague and pivot, some level of information, “I don’t really want to discuss it”, or whatever. But having it prepared will make it easier to handle these kinds of interactions.
Calamity Janine* April 29, 2025 at 1:43 pm LW1, i would really key in on Alison’s last paragraph there. one of the downsides of working for a friend is that you can receive very disappointing evidence of how much they actually value your friendship. you’re worried about still being friends, but… you can’t do all of the friendship work to make up for the other person not caring about you. that’s just not how it works. is the friendship likely to be broken? yeah. i won’t try to give you a rosier picture of that than i believe exists. but you shouldn’t worry about being the one to break it. you didn’t break it. you won’t break it for asking to be paid as agreed. the person who broke it here is the one who decided that friendship was worth shattering if it meant giving you light paychecks. they’re the one deciding that the friendship can be sold for the price of pressuring you to do additional tasks. they’re not even properly valuing you as a resource, as a member of the workforce with certain skills. they made that choice. not you. please don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty about it.
el l* April 29, 2025 at 1:55 pm OP1: Sadly, it’s too late to observe the firewall, “Friends and money don’t mix.” But that’s a lesson I generally practice. But the next best thing here is to have a conversation – and it has to end in signing a contract stipulating what you will be paid, what expectations are on you for time and availability, and so on. You can tell her it’s to be on the right side of the law on taxes if you like. And if they aren’t willing to develop a contract and sign it, you need to be willing to walk away from the job, even if it risks the friendship. But this is too important to let slide.
LW5* April 29, 2025 at 2:03 pm Thanks again to all the new commenters- some great advice. Just want to reassure everyone that my discussion with her was of the form “how can I support you?”, and that she has a bright future based on her considerable talents, and that we just needed to find a work around for this, and that we arrived at the solution together. She actually had already been circulating things for feedback (implementing her own strategies, as some of you predicted). I suggested that maybe people needed clarity on what they were checking for as they could be focusing on facts and logic rather than language, and that’s why errors were getting through. I also said I’d arrange with their bosses for the time to proof read, which will be fine- we can be slow to roll out tech, but we’re pretty culturally progressive
Andromeda Carr* April 29, 2025 at 2:42 pm #1 : the same thing was done to me, and I unfortunately can’t tell you it ended happily. I quit, she told all our mutual friends, ahem, her side of the story, and it took awhile for the dust to settle. Unless this is a bosom friend in other areas I’d advise you to cut your losses. Right now you’re giving her a loan and Polonius was right that “loan oft loses both itself and friend”. Concerning #2 — there’s a rule around here that “not everyone can eat sandwiches”, i.e., if someone gives you a suggestion that fits 98% of people you’re not allowed to complain or reject it even if you’re not in the 2% it doesn’t fit. Doesn’t #2’s situation disprove that rule? Anyway, #2, as someone who did the food ordering for work events for many years, I learned to anticipate this kind of situation in part because people came to me and said, “I need something to eat beside the standard food you’re ordering” and I would order for them, label the food with their name, and set it aside. You shouldn’t *have* to go to such efforts but I do think they are your best plan.
Lenora Rose* May 1, 2025 at 4:06 pm That’s not what “not everyone can eat sandwiches!” is about. It’s not about *actual accommodations*, it’s about sidetracking the commentariat’s discussion of suggested solutions with stories about why maybe the letter writer can’t use that solution that aren’t based on the actual facts in the letter itself. IE, LW writes about a situation. Commenter A suggests something that might work. Commenter B completely shoots down the suggestion based on “not everyone can eat sandwiches!”-style reasoning, before and without knowing whether LW can use the suggestion. This is different from just making an alternate suggestion yourself, or even making a useful critique of a suggestion based on known facts.
Carbs are the enemy* April 29, 2025 at 3:00 pm The situation in letter 2 is terrible not only for diabetics, but also people doing keto, internment fasting (including not only for weight loss but also mental clarity and focus, both of which benefit the organization), and avoiding seed oils. There will be many people who will speak up if you tell them to cut the carbs.
Raida* April 29, 2025 at 4:48 pm 1. My friend hired me but isn’t paying me what we agreed Cool, so that’s wage theft. Sit down with her, with your records of hours worked in designated tasks, and separately “helping out” tasks. Show her the maths on what the agreed-upon payment was for designated tasks, versus actual. Tell her this is not what was agreed, and we need to get clear payment terms and stick to them – does she want help with setting up the bookkeeping of all of this? (this is the gentlest way to say “you will do this thing and I will not accept ‘didn’t know how oopsie’ as a reason”) If she rages out lashes out with personal attacks or some such, say “You seem to be very upset, I’ll give you some space” and go contact your old employer to ask for your job back. Most likely is she’s not fully aware how much cumulatively she’s ripped you off for – and the business *owes you*. So making it clear it is seen and needs to be fixed and you are of value outside of all of that with these hours of friend-work, should be a clear enough threat to the success of the business if you leave – she literally didn’t succeed without you, and it sounds like she still needs your friend-help to keep it afloat.
Hroethvitnir* April 29, 2025 at 4:50 pm Concerning #2 — there’s a rule around here that “not everyone can eat sandwiches”, i.e., if someone gives you a suggestion that fits 98% of people you’re not allowed to complain or reject it even if you’re not in the 2% it doesn’t fit. Doesn’t #2’s situation disprove that rule? Re: Andromeda, the “not everyone can have sandwiches” is referring to perfect as the enemy of good. Ie: trying to think of the most blanket inclusive menu/activity etc and literally nothing being good enough because there’s always a hypothetical someone. It has never meant not accommodating specific dietary requirements.
AAM fan* April 29, 2025 at 6:00 pm OP 4: I once took some time off to visit a terminally ill relative. They ended up passing during my time out of the office. Before I came back I wrote a message to my team that was along the lines of, “Hi. I deeply appreciated everyone’s support during this difficult time for myself and my family. My relative did end up passing away during my time out of the office. I would prefer not to discuss the details of this in the office as I’m still processing this loss. Thank you, and again, I am grateful for your support and partnership.”
Jess* April 29, 2025 at 6:02 pm LW#1 you need to be able to pay your living expenses and left your job due to promises of having your salary matched. And you certainly shouldn’t be working for free. If it works for you yes agree to work on a fee for work done basis but don’t let this get in the way of securing new paid work and your existing other paid work.
DJ* April 29, 2025 at 6:13 pm LW#2 it’s more than reasonable to request suitable food. I’m surprised that caterers (in Australia) don’t routinely offer diabetic as an option when they offer nut free, gluten free etc. It sounds like your employer is going for finger foods. But they can supply vegie, cheese and anti pasto platters which are all technically finger foods. Also great for those on gluten free diets if crackers and dips are placed elsewhere. And salads as plates surely would be supplied so staff can load their plates at the beginning and aren’t constantly jumping up to grab food. And avoid cross contamination for those with gluten/other allergies. I’m not sure whether you need to follow a keto diet which is extremely low carb. But if it’s low carb rice rolls wraps with purely vegies/protien with no noodles may also suit. If you’re uncomfortable disclosing advise you eat low carb for optimal health and productivity, and advise others who are trying to eat low carb for health or weight control would also appreciate it.
DJ* April 29, 2025 at 6:17 pm LW#5 Alison JAN resource is great and can be adapted for international use. Surprised to hear process workers have to work 8 hours with a break. Even if no disability or needing to eat regularly requirements very taxing. And hard in their who get hungry or woozy if don’t eat for a long time!
DJ* April 29, 2025 at 6:30 pm With #2 I’m wondering whether it’s stigma is why they aren’t disclosing as type 2 diabetes can be viewed as a lifestyle disease! I’ve been shamed for having type 2 even for taking tablets when out for dinner. Or being discriminated against. Or not having their request take seriously.
Final destination* April 29, 2025 at 6:59 pm Wait….has the free lunch LW ever asked the food organizer about ordering stuff they could eat??? (And I won’t lie, I’m getting shades of, “my diet is so awesome!” Off that letter. I know the LW didn’t mean it that way but Like, here we are)
Jeanne* April 29, 2025 at 8:01 pm Thank you for sharing the Job Accommodation Network link! Looks like a great site.
Kimberly* April 29, 2025 at 10:41 pm LW 5 – Dyslexic here. Look into whether your company provides Grammarly or a similar writing assistant. When used thoughtfully, they can aid in improving writing skills. For me, WordPerfect’s spell check during my university days was key to finally mastering many sight words. The non-judgmental visual cues were much better than feeling embarrassed about basic spelling being spotted in a friend’s proofread. Now, I use grammar underlines to catch tone issues and grammar mistakes. I’ve found that rewriting a few times before checking the suggestions helps me learn more effectively. Perhaps your coworker could try something similar.
Gatomon* April 29, 2025 at 11:12 pm LW#2 – I have all the food intolerances, so in a way, I feel your frustration. I’ve learned there are two kinds of people when it comes to food accommodations: people who get it, and people who just don’t. I have no idea how to get through to the latter, whether it’s deliberate obtuseness or ignorance doesn’t matter. You can literally hand them an exhaustive list of exactly what you can eat from which restaurants sorted by price, and it will find its way to the round file one way or another. Frankly I don’t think this burden should fall solely on the person with dietary needs. It’s not always clear who is actually planning the meal and when input is needed for accommodations. Ideally whoever is planning things could at least solicit input, especially for large events where catering is arranged well in advance of notifying employees of the event. But again, the people who don’t get it, don’t get it. I’ve come to the conclusion that if someone feels uncomfortable watching me not eat the provided meal, that’s on them to resolve, not me to feel uncomfortable. They are free to ask me why I’m not eating. That they choose not to reflects on them, not me.
Dogmomma* April 30, 2025 at 10:51 am vitamin water comes in a variety of flavors and sugar free, so do Ice drinks which are also carbonated, and LaCroix sparkling water, no chemicals either. was also going to suggest cauliflower crust pizza, fruit/ berries, veggie platter.
Been There, Done That* April 30, 2025 at 9:08 pm LW1/GR I’m in Australia so things are a bit different here to the US. This really sucks for you in so many ways – financially, professionally, and relationally. I’ve been in this situation as well, and now I will refuse to work with someone if we don’t have a signed agreement. Personally, I’d start with having a very blunt discussion with your friend/employer and lay everything out for her. And also start looking for new opportunities to move on to. Best of luck with it all (((hugs)))