how long should it take for HR to tell me if my accommodation request will be granted?

by Alison Green on May 1, 2025

A reader writes:

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago, and this past January, my company decided that all “hybrid” employees (my whole team is considered hybrid) need to be in the office a minimum of three days per week.

I didn’t think I could do it, but I wanted to try before I said anything. I’ve tried for several weeks and found that I definitely can’t do three days in a row. But I’m also having a really hard time coming in for the third (non-consecutive) day, so I asked for the accommodation of coming in two days per week, which is a pretty typical accommodation for people with ADHD. My therapist wrote a letter about the situation, and I included it with my request.

About a week after I emailed the request (that’s the specified procedure), I meet with an HR person who asked me a lot of questions. She said they have to talk with Legal and some other people before they let me know if they’ll grant my request. I got the impression that this was a new thing for them, and they aren’t sure how to proceed. I could be wrong, but that’s how it seemed.

The HR person said at one point that they would do “rolling” confirmations to see if I still need the accommodation. I was surprised and said I wasn’t ever going to NOT have ADHD, so that didn’t make sense to me.

I made sure to tell her that I got the highest rating that you can get on my performance review in 2024 and that I wanted the accommodation to be able to continue working at that level. She asked if I would come in to the office more than two days if there was an urgent need, and I said I would.

It’s been almost four weeks since I sent the request to HR, and I really need to stop having to come in three days/week. The stress is making me want to cry right now.

I’m planning to send an email asking for an update. Is there any specific language I should use (or avoid)?

If they deny my request, what can I do? My boss is completely fine with any of us doing what we need, including WFH days, but he is under pressure to uphold the policy of three days in the office.

I’m in my late 50s and I need to keep working for at least 10 more years, so I’m afraid to rock the boat too much, but I can’t keep up this schedule for much longer without risking my physical and mental health. It’s so upsetting that it feels like the gains I’ve been able to make with the medication are being negated by this added stress.

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) doesn’t set a specific timeline for an employer to respond to an accommodation request. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) does state that an employer must respond “expeditiously” but doesn’t get specific about what that means. Instead, they say:

“An employer should respond expeditiously to a request for reasonable accommodation. If the employer and the individual with a disability need to engage in an interactive process, this too should proceed as quickly as possible. Similarly, the employer should act promptly to provide the reasonable accommodation. Unnecessary delays can result in a violation of the ADA.”

They also offer examples to illustrate what they mean. In one, an employee who uses a wheelchair asks his manager for an accessible parking space, because the existing spaces are too narrow to extend the ramp from his van. When his manager doesn’t act on the request, the employee raises it a second time, but two months after the initial request, nothing has been done. The EEOC says, “Although the supervisor never definitively denies the request, the lack of action under these circumstances amounts to a denial, and thus violates the ADA.” In another example, a blind employee requests adaptive equipment for her computer and the only company that sells what she needs takes three months for delivery. The EEOC explains the wait to implement the accommodation is not an ADA violation because the employer moved as quickly as it could to fulfill the request.

The EEOC also says:

“In determining whether there has been an unnecessary delay in responding to a request for reasonable accommodation, relevant factors would include: (1) the reason(s) for the delay; (2) the length of the delay; (3) how much the individual with a disability and the agency each contributed to the delay; (4) what the agency was doing during the delay; and (5) whether the required accommodation was simple or complex to provide.”

Basically, they use a “reasonableness” standard, and there’s some room for interpretation there, but your employer shouldn’t just be letting your request sit.

It’s been a month, so it’s reasonable to follow up. Send an email with the words “request for update on accommodation request under the Americans with Disabilities Act.” In the body of the email, say something like: “On (date) I requested a formal accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I have not heard back, and I am writing to formally request an update on the status of my request.”

If you still don’t hear back 10 days after that, email again. Subject line: “second request for update on accommodation request under the Americans with Disabilities Act.” Email body: “On (date) I requested a formal accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I followed up on (date) but have not heard back. As you know, the ADA requires employers to respond expeditiously to a request for accommodation and, if there is a need to engage in an interactive process, to proceed with that as quickly as possible. Could you let me know what timeline to expect?”

You asked what you can do if they deny your request. At that point — or earlier, if they continue to delay — you’d want to talk with an employment lawyer to help you navigate this. That doesn’t necessarily mean having them contact the employer on your behalf; it can just mean that they advise you from behind the scenes (or it might mean more, depending on what they advise). But you have legal rights here and a lawyer will help ensure they’re protected.

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{ 163 comments }

{ 163 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

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    1. Kevin Sours*

      Note that I also had to clear cookies to get things updated. Unfortunately browsers make clearing cookies for a specific site as annoying as possible but you can do it from the debug panel (For Chrome when on the site on hit f-12 -> “Applications” -> “Cookies on the left menu” -> Right click -> Clear)

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      1. PleaseNo*

        maybe my browser’s old on my phone, but I can clear cookies from it. Go under settings/privacy and security and find “clear cookies”

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        1. Kevin Sours*

          That’s going to clear cookies for everything, not just a specific site. Which is a pain if you have cookies on a bunch of sites that you would prefer to keep.

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      2. Dahlia*

        You don’t need to go into the debug panel.

        On Chrome/Chromium browsers, it’s in the thing next to the url bar (mine’s like a slider bar, I think it’s a lock on others). If you hover over it, it says “View site information”. Click “cookies and site data”, then “Manage on-devide site data”, then in that pop-up, you can delete the cookies from askamanger.

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        1. Kevin Sours*

          Fair enough. I’ve both searched for that myself and done searches for how to do it online and somehow managed to not find that.

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      1. Kevin Sours*

        She’s said elsewhere that this is something that broke in the transition and is being worked on.

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      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Not intentional, just taking a back seat to bigger priorities to fix. But it’ll get fixed. (In fact, it just worked for me for the first time this week, so they must be making progress on it!)

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  2. Junior Assistant Peon*

    Some people are too limp to have a difficult conversation. This is why you’re more likely to get ghosted than rejected.

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    3. S M G*

      Rejection sensitivity and procrastination are two common symptoms of ADHD. OP is not “limp”.

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  3. Clown Eradicator*

    OP, I just want to say good luck!!!

    I hope your employer is better than mine, I fought last year for accommodations for my Autism/ADHD and they provided “reasonable” accomm. (to them, not to me, and they don’t really work,) and have no appeal process. They are now retaliating against me and causing issues with other medical time I need to work remotely, when they aren’t finnicky like that with others. I’ve spoken to an attorney but not much I can do while I still work at the employer.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      I did think, reading OP’s letter, that she should probably be prepared for them to come back and discuss other reasonable accommodations that might address her needs, since they don’t sound enthusiastic about granting an exception to the three days a week policy. They have to engage with you, but they don’t have to provide you the exact thing you want. Good luck, OP!

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      1. T.N.H*

        Right this is key. They don’t actually have to give the 2 days in office but they do have to engage in the process or it’s tantamount to a denial. I do think OP should reach out to an employment lawyer if that’s feasible.

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      2. NursingaWound*

        This is key. Often people have a desired outcome that does not necessarily obligate the employer to pick *that* accommodation.

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        1. fhqwhgads*

          Right but it does obligate the employer to engage in the interactive process. Them just ignoring it as long as possible is still a violation.

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      3. allathian*

        What would be reasonable here other than 2 days a week at the office, if that’s fine but 3 days a week is too much?

        A private office maybe, even if everyone else on her level is in an open office?

        I strongly suspect that an office would cause more resentment among her coworkers than 3 days WFH would, but that’s just me.

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        1. Dahlia*

          LW has commented that the office is not the problem, and that would not be helpful. It’s the process of GETTING to the office and all that entails.

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  4. Beth*

    Given that this accommodation request doesn’t require any equipment purchases, rearranging of office space, finding of parking spots, or anything else logistically from the employer–it’s hard to understand what might be taking a month+ to approve. It feels like HR is hoping OP will drop this rather than force them to either approve exceptions to the policy or reject the accommodation upfront.

    OP, Alison’s scripts will probably successfully signal that you’re not just going to go away. Hopefully that pushes your employer to approve this for you. They might be under pressure to minimize exceptions to the policy, but I hope they won’t want to risk legal problems by denying a reasonable accommodation for a documented medical issue.

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    1. Ellie Rose*

      likely executive push-back or, more optimistically, formal drafting of an exception. Someone (or several someones) really wanted 3 days in office, and those folks hate making exceptions, because then everyone will want one!!!

      I hate how reluctant employers are to grant accomodations. Making ANY accomodation always seems to take a lot of time and fuss, even when it’s literally free.

      I don’t have any sympathy for people worried that employees are “taking advantage of” companies given how the US job market and employee treatment is in general.

      I’m sure there are some people who legitimately do take advantage and lie, but on average employees are the ones paying the price/being harmed by companies, not the other way around.

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  5. Slow Gin Lizz*

    I need to start my response by saying that I definitely read all of this letter and the response, but then I went back to remind myself of what the response said and I realized that while I’d read it, I hadn’t been paying attention while reading it and had no idea what most of it said. #tellmeyouhaveadhdwithouttellingmeyouhaveadhd

    Anyway, I’m sure you’ve probably done this already, OP, but have you asked your boss yet what to do now? I know you don’t want to rock the boat too much but do you think that you could ask your boss if you can start doing just two days in the office now even though you don’t have your formal accommodations yet? Or is he in a position to nudge HR to get moving on this already? It seems like if your boss is okay with your WFH three days a week, could you ask him if you can start now since getting HR approval is just a formality? (And what a ridiculous formality too; why do they need to check with lawyers? It sounds like they want to say no but need to check if it’s legal for them to do that. If they were okay with saying yes then why would they need to get the lawyers involved?)

    Unlike the examples in AAM’s response above that both require definitive action on the company’s part (ordering equipment, providing accessible parking), this situation is different in that you’re only looking for approval and you don’t need the company to do anything concrete, so what if you just…do the thing you need to do? Is there any kind of formal office attendance-keeping where someone at the office is literally keeping track of who is and isn’t coming in the required number of days? (I honestly wonder about this for all hybrid offices.)

    Anyway, I don’t know how comfortable you’d be with any of this, but just figured I’d mention the possibility. Good luck, OP! I was only diagnosed in my mid-40s myself and I have no idea how I managed to make it through all the years before I knew what was the deal with my weird brain.

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    1. Bertha*

      My company is tracking our badge swipes to see how often we come in to the office, so some offices are definitely tracking this information.

      That being said, plenty of people that work here will simply badge in, spend a half day, and leave, which still counts per this badge swipe tracking. That being said.. I also have ADHD and I would be more annoyed to have to switch everything in the middle of the day and go back home if I’m already here, but other people with ADHD might enjoy the novelty so who knows!

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I don’t like having to switch everything in the middle of the day either! My team is entirely WFH with the option of going into the office if we want, but trying to get used to a new setup in the office makes me batty…and I’m always worried I’m going to forget something vital that I need. When I’m always in the same place working, I don’t have to worry about that. So I very rarely actually work from the office. I’m still not quite sure how I managed to survive the three years I worked FT in an office…kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies now, tbh. The commute, trying to make sure I looked presentable every day, having to plan ahead what I was going to do for lunch…never realizing what a toll this was taking on my executive-function challenged brain.

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    2. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

      “(And what a ridiculous formality too; why do they need to check with lawyers? It sounds like they want to say no but need to check if it’s legal for them to do that. If they were okay with saying yes then why would they need to get the lawyers involved?)”

      I very much suspect this is the case, that they want to say “no” but are trying to find a legal loophole that would let them do that, AND they’re hoping LW will give up if they drag their feet long enough.

      I hope LW will seek legal advice and act on it, because the company should not be allowed to get away with this!

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yeah, this! To quote another advice column (Captain Awkward, I think?): a non-answer is still an answer. In this case, they aren’t saying yes so in point of fact they’re saying no.

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        1. LookAtMeI'mTheManagerNow*

          Or there’s Rush’s take: when you choose not decide you still have made a choice.

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        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I might be being unfair here, but given the LW’s age, I wonder if they are thinking she might retire soon and they can drag it out and delay so they never have to go it. I know she is planning to work another 10 years but they might not know that.

          I mean this is just a guess (concern) and probably isn’t true but Inwpuld be concerned they might be trying to avoid acting on this.

          Which is ridiculously short-sighted of them. If she works better from home and was a high performer when doing so, it’s to the company’s advantafe as much as her own not to basically cause her performance to decline. if it were the other way around and she was a high performer when in the office full-time but struggled when working from home three days, I suspect they wouldn’t be dragging their heels on agreeing to her staying home only two days instead of three.

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      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Or that they don’t mind saying yes to LW but they want to pull up the ladder behind her with watertight paperwork.

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    3. MigraineMonth*

      I’m also sorry you’re going through this, LW. It sucks.

      I’m not sure I’d do what Slow Gin Lizz suggests, because you might be getting extra scrutiny at this time, but do you have any sick time saved up? They probably can’t stop you from taking one day a week off just while waiting to hear their response, and if that just so happens to always fall on an in-office day, *you already told them the reason for that*.

      I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to waste your sick days on that (especially when you’ve proved you’re a high performer when working from home), but spending a couple of sick days (or even vacation) might be a good trade for avoiding ADHD burnout.

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      1. OP*

        Hi, OP here. I think this isn’t a bad idea. Last week, for the first time since this all started, I just didn’t go in on one of the days and worked from home. I had an appointment, so there would have been a lot of running around, and I just couldn’t do it.

        I’m going to use Alison’s script and send an email tomorrow morning.

        To answer a couple of questions from above:

        (1) They audit our badge swipes at the end of the quarter, and I already won’t have an average of 3 days/week for the entire quarter because I had to take my car in one day for repairs and work remotely while I waited for it to be fixed.

        (2) I’m not supposed to talk to my boss or anyone else about my request “because it has to do with personal medical information.” I’m pretty sure I’m free to talk to anyone I want about my own medical information. I think they’re worried about other people wanting to come in fewer days/week. I’m not sure why they didn’t want me to tell my boss. I had already told him I might have to ask for an accommodation. I’ve been thinking about telling him so I probably will.

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        1. I don't like the pigs in Animal Farm*

          Regardless of what happens with your accommodation request, it seems really strange to me that HR (or whoever did) told you not to tell your boss about this. That just seems off

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          1. coffee*

            If the accommodation request is approved, wouldn’t OP’s boss notice them not being in the office? What’s OP supposed to say, “Oh I can’t explain but it’s fine”??

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          2. JSPA*

            Yeah … that’s not how privacy works.

            While I hope you’re right that they’re just trying to dot i’s and cross t’s, This additional information does not leave me comforted.

            They’re either more clueless than average about all things legal, or they’re messing with you.

            Worst case scenario (not to catastrophize, but it’s good to keep both best and worst in mind) is that they are ablist to the point that they assume that your good ratings must be a mistake, or that your boss is otherwise inappropriately colluding with you, and that’s part of why they’re quashing conversation. Some people are jerks to the point that they’ll manage out a high performer, rather than deal with square pegs. Even if they have a potentially endless supply of square holes for those square pegs.

            If it reaches the point where you feel you’re being forced out by delays in accommodation, I don’t know (but actual lawyer could probably tell you) if that’s constructive dismissal, as well as an ADA violation.

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        2. Tiger Snake*

          “because it has to do with personal medical information”

          …Er, no. That’s your personal medical information. That means you get to decide who its shared with.

          Your company has obligations about properly handling if information you share with them, but it’s a one-way obligation. They are custodian, you are the owner.

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          1. Melicious*

            Yeah that’s weird! THEY can’t share it with your boss on your behalf, but telling YOU that you can’t is absurd.

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        3. Nightengale*

          you are absolutely free to talk to anyone you want about your own medical information

          It may be helpful to have your boss say – this accommodation would be reasonable given our team structure, workload, etc.

          I’m getting flashbacks from when I was in medical school (about 20 years ago) and TOLD everyone I was disabled and the powers that be were so confused because their previous students with disabilities just quietly got test accommodations and for heavens sake didn’t ever tell anybody.

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  6. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

    While you follow up, don’t rule out the possibility that you could work somewhere else in an entirely remote role. Get some resumes out. Job-hunting is kind of a hellscape right now, but it never hurts to explore your options.

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    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Yeah, good point. Harder to do at OP’s age, of course, but it’s never a bad idea to at least skim the job listings to see if there are any that suit your fancy.

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      1. I Have RBF*

        Hard, but not impossible.

        I got my current job a few years ago at 60. Fully remote, and there are plenty of ages in the company, so they aren’t like Silicon Valley with ageism. The company is in pharma, gaming, software, etc, so it has a wide range of locations and divisions.

        One thing I did was start through a staffing agency.

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    2. OP*

      I actually don’t want to be fully remote. I like going into the office and being able to interact with everyone, just not >2 days/week.

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      1. CL*

        OP, my spouse went through an accommodations process with their HR to have a psychiatric service animal in a space that had no policy prohibiting pets and had many employees with pet dogs (including in her office previously.) One nearby office even had a policy expressly allowing dogs. There were no allergies and no dog phobias among her coworkers. Documentation was submitted by three separate providers and multiple follow up’s were conducted. Ultimately she had to go on a medical leave while it was being resolved. It took nearly ten months. It involved hostile comments, retaliation, and gaslighting. They did everything they could to prevent an accommodation and it was deeply traumatic. We did all we could through the process but did not seek an employment lawyer as this was a very wealthy institution with a team of 30+ lawyers and a reputation (we found out) of driving disabled employees to quit or pushing them out on leaves. We knew of folks that had lawyered up. None are still working there and we couldn’t afford to lose the case or for her to lose her job. This wasn’t a workplace that had an HR unfamiliar with the ADA. They process hundreds of accommodation requests a year and had staff dedicated expressly to disability accommodations. Ultimately, we were tenacious enough (and built enough of a paper trail) that they had to fold. I also work there and I talked informally to many people about the situation and collected many stories. When they understood how much research and digging we had done they got nervous. The main thing I would have done differently is lower my expectations far sooner, and mentally prepare to dig in my heels tremendously. I truly, truly hope they are far kinder to you there! When you have capacity for it, educating yourself as much as you can about your legal rights is a huge benefit because some employers expect to bully or isolate you and think you won’t research what you are entitled to.

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        1. Tiredanon*

          Since OP mentioned further up that HR told them not to tell their boss about the request, you might be onto something with the “isolate you”.
          I’m sorry your spouse had to deal with all of that. It’s frustrating how much ableism is thoroughly baked into everyday life, though this employer certainly went above and beyond (derogatory).

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  7. Anne of Green Gables*

    Many state’s bar associations have a lawyer matching service and a set fee for an initial consultation when the matching service is used.

    For example, the North Carolina form has you put in your zip code and the type of law, and they give you the names of lawyers in the area with that specialty. It is on the individual to contact the law office and say they used the matching service, but then there is a flat fee for an initial 30 minute consultation. (in NC it’s $50, this varies by state and I’ve seen as low as $30.)

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    1. badger*

      $20 through WI’s state bar service although at least some will offer an initial consult for free.

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  8. JustMy2Cents*

    If this is new territory for a company, they may need to have a policy written in case others may need this accommodation. The company could be acting on good faith for ALL employees and not just this one person. Depending on the company size, this could include lawyers, a board or CEO approving such a policy.

    I would definitely ask for an update. You might be surprised by the answer of ‘we are working on it’, rather than a definitive ‘yes’ at this moment.

    Yes, there are some really horrible companies out there, but there are also a lot of companies that want to do the right thing, but the right thing might take a little bit of time.

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    1. Kevin Sours*

      I’m sorry but it’s been four weeks of radio silence. That’s hard to see as a “good faith” effort to respond “expeditiously” to a request. And I wouldn’t be surprised by an answer of “we are working on it” because that’s the usual answer when companies are deliberately not doing something they have to do. OP shouldn’t take such a response at face value.

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      1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

        Hard agree. That’s why I think it’s time to get a lawyer involved if their response to LW following up is anything other than a clear “yes.”

        A pox on bosses who are making up unnecessary bto edicts, just because they don’t trust their employees to actually work unless boss can literally see their butt in a chair. Adult workers aren’t a bunch of kindergarteners who need constant surveillance to do their jobs!

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      2. JB (not in Houston)*

        I think it’s too soon to say for sure that they aren’t acting in good faith. As annoying as it is, some people won’t give you status updates and will only communicate when they have a definitive answer for you (for example, the contractor currently updating the flooring in my home), and some don’t seem to realize how much time has passed (see my contractor) or how urgent the situation might seem to the person waiting (again, see my contractor). That doesn’t make it excusable, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the company is deliberately avoiding doing what they’re supposed to be doing. Especially if there are multiple busy people who need to be involved in the decision.

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        1. not nice, don't care*

          My household just dealt with a slow/low/no-contact contractor. You bet the review (shared with local neighborhood social media) reflects their poor communication choices.
          It’s ok to have expectations of professionalism, from contractors and employers. The longer OP waits, the more likely the employer assumes OP is actually able to do 3 days, because they are.

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      3. Beth*

        A big organization’s idea of ‘expeditious’ and a normal person’s idea of ‘expeditious’ don’t always align. I like Alison’s scripts, which start from asking for an update and only escalate to reminding them of the law if there’s no reply.

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      4. Cmdrshprd*

        Idk between the likely layers of people and lawyers specifically that this needs to be checked with 4 weeks really is not that long.

        Hr receives the request it takes them a few days to review and figure how/who to send it to. they send it to their internal legal department they think about it before either doing research but they likely don’t have room to do it right away, they might outsource it to an external law firm for review and advice.

        They will need 2/3 weeks to review and get back to the company.

        Law/legal review is not like TV, 4-6 weeks for review is not that long.

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        1. not nice, don't care*

          I work for an agency with thousands of employees and an understaffed HR department. It took 5 days for a meeting and verbal approval. Another day for the formal letter. Four weeks is ridiculous.

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    2. MigraineMonth*

      Except that’s not how the ADA accommodation is supposed to work. It’s not supposed to be a one-size-fits-all policy that is approved company-wide, and it *definitely* shouldn’t involve disclosing an employee’s disability to the entire management/board/CEO for them to weigh in on what they think an appropriate accommodation should be.

      Disability accommodation doesn’t need approved corporate policy, because it’s the legally mandated *exceptions* to policy. The policy is a dress code including business shoes; the accommodation is sneakers for someone with a prosthetic limb. You don’t need to run that past the board. The policy is 3 days/week in the office; the accommodation is to allow an extra day WFH, which doesn’t need to be run past a lawyer to be approved (but probably does to be denied).

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  9. ghostlight*

    Can you loop in your manager and explain the delay? They may be willing to back you up on this/allow you to start working that third day from home. Also can you go above this HR person? This is such a simple accommodation on their end (especially given that you’re already WFH 2 days a week); there’s no reason this type of delay should be happening.

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    1. azvlr*

      I was thinking the same thing. Maybe OP should just continue working two days in office instead of three and OP and their manager can approach this as “this request is totally reasonable, so OF COURSE it’s going to be granted. The paperwork is just a formality.” I understand OPs reluctance to rock the boat, but maybe some gentle waves are just the ticket.

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    2. bamcheeks*

      I was thinking this. If the request is in and you have a supportive manager, I would speak to your manager and ask whether you can trial two days a week whilst you wait for a response. That’s not at all an unreasonable request or expectation.

      Whether their delay is down to reluctance to have a difficult conversation, bureaucratic inability to process the unexpected, genuine incompetence or whatever— make the delay work for you!

      Good luck!

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Ooh yes, the trial two days a week is a great idea! Ask if you can try it for three months and reevaluate at the end of the three months, unless HR gets back to you sooner, in which case just celebrate quietly at your home office and never speak of it again.

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        1. OP*

          I do, too! I’m not certain I can bring myself to do it on my own, but if my boss thought it was a good idea, I would do it. I’m leaning closer to talking to him about it. So instead of feeling anxious and crappy while trying to make myself do something that’s pretty difficult for me, I’d at least be able to prove to myself that what I want will really actually be helpful and let me just do my damn job.

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          1. Tiredanon*

            Please do, OP. You certainly have our support. Your company’s inflexibility is currently actively hampering you in your day-to-day work life. It’s completely fine to loop in your boss to get some executive function support while sorting this out.
            Since the approval process is dragging on for whatever reasons, it’s probably also wise to conserve your energy however you can.

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  10. Heidi*

    We don’t know a lot about OP’s office, but I wonder if there might be ways to make the in-office environment less stressful for those days they are there. Some places are under pressure not to let employees work from home, but perhaps they will grant accommodations in the office, like reductions in noise and other distractions, private office spaces, alternative start and stop times.

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      1. Heidi*

        Of course it would, especially since this is what the OP has been doing all this time. Unfortunately, a lot of employers are now mandating that employees be back in office, and efforts to push back on this (even as a medical accommodation) are not guaranteed to succeed. Plus, even if the OP’s accommodation request is granted, they would still be in the office twice a week. Might as well try to make it work as best as they can.

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    2. A Simple Narwhal*

      I know personally my commute is the most exhausting and stressful part for me. Hopefully OPs commute is better than mine but my commute is roughly 1.5 hours each way, meaning I have to factor in getting up much earlier than I normally would to WFH (especially for the extra time it takes to get office-ready), not to mention the less time decompressing at home/being with my family/taking care of myself, etc. Even when my commute was half that it’s still a non-zero amount of time lost out of my personal life, and even if they could somehow transform my office into the most perfect environment for me, it wouldn’t beat the lack of stress being at home affords me.

      However if the office itself is the problem then your idea has merit! I agree with FunkyMunky that it seems like it would be infinitely easier to grant the extra WFH day, but I know companies can unfortunately be really weird about WFH and they may be more willing to give OP an office or do a million other things to the office itself rather than simply allow them to be in it less.

      Which is dumb, but if there’s an alternative accommodation option it’s better than none at all.

      Reply ↓
    3. Tea Monk*

      I wish! I hate being in the office with the other people constantly talking and everyone not having to eat as much as me. ( I ate breakfast at 8, its 1 pm. You’re talking to me like I understand words. why?)

      Reply ↓
  11. TGIF*

    It may take forever, isn’t the EEOC basically gone? Any accommodations and ADA related stuff is now the bottom of the barrel, because they want disabled people GONE.

    Reply ↓
        1. Mimmy*

          Plus, complaints can also go through state civil rights agencies. In my state, it’s called the Division of Civil Rights.

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    2. metadata minion*

      This request doesn’t have to go through the EEOC itself — in theory the company might be trying to contact them for advice, but they really shouldn’t have to and everything they need to do is in-house processes.

      Reply ↓
  12. Adult ADHDer+NeuroCog Disorder*

    I think the reality LW has to address is the WHY WFH is essential. I know their letter was brief due to the formatting so I’m not saying they aren’t aware but just in case —-

    WFH may be a common ADHD accommodation but it is by no means the only one and is one of the more aggressive approaches. Simply attending three days in a row in office for several weeks alone does not address the bigger issue of why it didn’t work and what else has/hasn’t been tried. I think it might be useful for LW to start trying and specifically documenting other self-imposed accommodations to demonstrate why WFH is the only option if they haven’t been. If they don’t work.m, it gives them leverage. If they do work, that’s great.

    Is noise distractibility an issue? Perhaps noise cancelling headphones are a good attempt.

    Is impromptu collaboration/interruptions the root issue? Rigid calendar scheduling, clear expectations with coworkers, and notes on LW’a cubicle or office door might be worth trying.

    Is it the commute? Fair. But I think that needs to be spelled out for HR.

    Is it sensory overload from the lights, noises, etc.? Can LW try bringing in or using diffused lighting, frameless candles, etc?

    I’m not saying WFH is a bad option or that it wouldn’t be worthwhile, but I think clinicians, HR departments, and employees are good at flattening ADHD supports into a WFH or don’t binary. Adult ADHD is still relatively new to being openly addressed which makes identifying really good accommodations hard. We’re all wandering through the desert on this one together. Being able to articulate the specific why’s though is helpful in self advocating, learning your own needs, and not flattening down the experience. WFH FT may be required but I think it’s helpful to explore other options in the meantime.

    Reply ↓
    1. Kevin Sours*

      Honestly they don’t. The company can ask if they want to but the law requires that they “engage in an interactive process” as quickly as possible. They haven’t done so. OP has indicated a need for accommodation and proposed a specific accommodation that would meet there needs. It’s up to the employer to engage at this point.

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      1. Adult ADHDer+NueroCog Disorder*

        Legally? No—LW doesn’t have to justify beyond what they’ve submitted. But strategy and survival in an ableist system are a different story.

        At 50, LW may be facing limited mobility in the job market, especially if this role is a good fit otherwise. HR hasn’t responded in good faith so far, and while involving an attorney is an option in theory, in practice that’s often inaccessible without time, money, and documentation most employees don’t have on hand.

        The unfortunate reality is: the more clearly LW can articulate why WFH is essential and what else they’ve tried (or ruled out), the stronger their position becomes—not just with HR, but in terms of understanding and advocating for their own needs. That clarity can help preempt resistance, avoid being dismissed as inflexible, and preserve long-term viability in this role.

        Technically? Sure, they’ve met the baseline. But navigating systems like this rarely works on technicalities alone.

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        1. Smithy*

          Yeah – a friend of mine recently went through a process of requesting a wfh accommodation (for completely different medical needs. She was told the process would take about a month, but start to finish I think it was closer to 3 months.

          As part of all of this, it also resulted in her having a previous approved travel request denied. Because if she needed to work from home, clearly that also meant she couldn’t do any travel ever. At that point the approval process was still pending, so she really wasn’t in a position to push back, but it was just very eye opening that balance between what someone is required to do legally vs how best to navigate and survive the system.

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          1. Adult ADHDer+NueroCog Disorder*

            Exactly. Unfortunately this process is fraught and not really designed to benefit the disabled employee. Lots of folks are suggesting an attorney, but let’s be frank – LW will struggle to find a lawyer to take their case, even for a consultation without a lot of luck, planning, and skill. Consultations are not just a nicety provided to people struggling. They’re a business transaction, and if you’re initial outreach to an attorney doesn’t suggest they can feasibly earn part of their income through the case, you probably won’t be able to even get that consultation. Reaching out to an attorney with only three weeks of in-office attempts, presumably no other accommodation attempts (self-imposed or through HR) with a stigmatized and misunderstood diagnosis you didn’t have until 50 despite ADHD having to be symptomatic since childhood for a diagnosis doesn’t create strong narrative or evidentiary pull for an attorney. It’s unfair but they’ll argue if you were able to make it to 50 undiagnosed and without internally imposed or externally supported accommodations, your symptoms didn’t cause too great of a burden and there’s minimal evidence to suggest legal intervention is needed for a WFH RA.

            I am not trying to justify any of this, but it is the unfortunate reality. IMP LW should focus on gathering documentation of their own accommodation attempts and interactions with HR/other employees, work with medical providers to find alternatives, and potentially prepare to eventually look for new work it they can’t find a workable solution. Sure, consult an attorney. Keep moving forward but make sure there’s some CYA too.

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        2. Lenora Rose*

          I would still say that all of this is unnecessary in the initial request, and should be explained in the course of the employer engaging in good faith and the interactive process. If it was in the initial request, there’s likely no harm but now that the HR has gone silent I wouldn’t advise volunteering a single extra detail until they ask and indicate they’re interested in the answers, not looking for a reason to change or deny the accommodation.

          Sometimes giving more detail gives them reason to accept; sometimes they only let you do it because they think you’ll be giving enough rope to hang yourself and every item you mention is another thing to nitpick over.

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          1. OP*

            I tend to agree with you about not offering more details until I find out what’s going on.

            Regarding some of the ideas mentioned above for improving the office environment: the office isn’t the problem. I’m perfectly happy to go in 2 days/week. What’s difficult is everything I need to do in order to get there. Once I’m there, I’m usually fine. But – only for 2 days. Every time I get it together to go in on the third day, all day I can’t focus as well as I usually do, and it makes me feel bad that I’m not able to do my job as well as I know I can.

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            1. Adult ADHDer+NueroCog Disorder*

              Hi OP—what you said really resonated with me: that it’s not the office itself, but the process of getting there that’s overwhelming. That tracks deeply with how ADHD tends to show up. One of its core symptoms is the difficulty breaking down big tasks into smaller parts. And “getting to work” isn’t one task—it’s a cascade of micro-steps: waking up, showering, getting dressed, making lunch, packing your bag, planning the commute, adjusting to the mental shift, and more. If even one of those sub-tasks becomes a sticking point, the whole thing can feel impossible.

              This is where ADHD tricks us—we think we’re failing at “being functional,” when in reality, we’re often just missing one or two key building blocks. After years of working from home, those structures may have eroded, and re-learning them takes effort. But it’s doable—and worth doing.

              Three days in the office isn’t an extreme burden on paper—but if that third day is breaking you, you need to understand why, not just that it is. That’s key not only to self-advocacy, but also to long-term sustainability. Moving from extended WFH to regular in-office work would be a huge transition even for a neurotypical brain. So it makes complete sense that it’s hard now. But to argue for what you need, it helps to build out and trial your own system first.

              Above, I mentioned coping strategies for in-office settings. But if the real difficulty is the transition and prep, you can still approach it strategically. Imagine being able to tell HR:

              “Every night, I set my clothes out by 8 p.m. My bag is packed and ready. My coffee maker is on a timer. I’ve got large clocks in every room and smart speakers giving time cues. I’ve taped a checklist to the front door. I’ve built structure—and even with that in place, the third day still depletes me in a way that affects my performance.”

              That’s not just a request—that’s documentation. It shows good faith effort, personal insight, and resilience, which makes it harder for HR to dismiss your needs as inflexible or unexamined. Might they still? Absolutely, but it also gives you useful data regardless.

              It may also be worth looking into other flexible arrangements—non-consecutive in-office days, adjusted hours, or extended lunches. I once had a colleague with ADHD who started earlier so she could take a longer midday break to reset. Options like these can feel less “disruptive” to HR and can reduce red flags, even if they shouldn’t matter legally.

              I absolutely support your right to request accommodations. But if that third day is too much, the best path forward may not be just pushing for WFH—it may be chunking the process, trying supports, and documenting what works or doesn’t. That’s what builds a case—and often helps you function better, too. There is a good chance you are dealing with people who hold outdated views on ADHD and how it manifests so approaching it with data can be a strategy to minimize pushback. It doesn’t always work, but again, there’s no real loss to trying to chunk things if it gives you insight on your own process.

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            2. allathian*

              Is there anything you could do to make the prepping less stressful on the third morning? I’d consider skipping the shower for a start. If you shower the evening before, that should be plenty, and one thing less to worry about in the morning.

              Another option is to simply accept that you won’t be able to do the job as well as you know you can due to external circumstances. Talk to your manager about that. But it’s a last resort because as everyone knows lowering your own work standards can bite you in the butt later. When people are used to seeing you as someone who always exceeds expectations and you drop to meets expectations, there might be some reaction to that.

              Do you have any flexibility in your work hours at all? Could you work a shorter day on the third office day? Obviously you’d still have to deal with prep on the third day, but at least it should send the message that you’re serious about needing the WFH accommodation.

              Good luck, and I hope to see a good update where you get to WFH three days a week from you soon!

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    2. appo*

      I agree, they clearly want everyone in 3 days and if OP hasn’t already tried their own/other accommodations while being at work – they’re going to make that step one. Might as well get ahead of it and have documentation of how it’s not enough and they need to be remote.

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    3. MCMonkeyBean*

      They’re not even asking to be totally work from home though, they’re asking to be slightly less hybrid. If the company thinks people can work efficiently from their house two days a week, there is really not any reasonable argument they could make that three days a week is somehow a significant hardship for them!

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    4. Enai*

      What is a “frameless candle”, if you please? I tried googling it and got cute etsy tat and nothing else…

      Reply ↓
      2. Adult ADHDer+NueroCog Disorder*

        *Flameless

        lol sorry, my thumbs and my old iPhone don’t always get along well.

        Basically just any extra ambient lighting!

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    5. Nicole Maria*

      Right, I have ADHD and I wondered what the difference was for OP to be in-office 2 days vs 3 days. For me working in the office is preferable for a number of reasons, I’m a lot more productive there for one, and I know everyone’s ADHD is different, but I would be curious what the explanation is.

      Reply ↓
      1. indeed_so_then*

        Yeah, I think it would help out their request and also their workplace relationships. I also have ADHD. I prefer working from home, but I feel like it’s a preference that also a lot of non-ADHD people have, too. In my case, it doesn’t rise to the level of an accommodation I don’t think (hard to say?). So even though OP doesn’t HAVE to clarify, I feel like it would probably help them out with their team if they can clarify how their situation is different from everyone else who feels stressed out and tired from coming into the office.

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      2. I Have RBF*

        Not the LW, but the stress of being in an open plan noise pit for three days a week was too much, and I was useless on the third day. Headaches and unable to think level useless. It’s a frog boiling situation, IMO. First day in, great, it’s nice to see people. Second day in, ugh, not these people and their noise again, why can’t you jerks shut up and let me work. Third day? Can hardly get out of bed out of dread, but crawl in and try to work in overloaded mode. Weekend mostly resets because of no work required, but now have to catch up on all the stuff I was too stressed to do during the week, and fall behind on the smaller stuff.

        TL; DR: Stress makes ADHD worse, especially long term stress.

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        1. Tiredanon*

          That certainly sounds familiar. I already knew thanks to repeat burnout that something wasn’t working. Being able to WFH or at least hybrid showed me for the first time how much I was overextending myself constantly. On the one hand it helped reset my normal and allowed me to recover at least somewhat, on the other hand it truly demonstrated to me how baseline hostile most workplaces are in ways they don’t need to be.
          Problem is that many working disabled folks don’t have severe enough conditions* to be able to permanently stop working and nowhere near abled-seeming enough to satisfy the gatekeepers at work and elsewhere.

          *highly subjective and bound by outdated ideas of disability

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  13. Alexis Moira Rose*

    Same shit, different day: I had a similar situation requesting a single day per week to work remotely and my employer was an a-hole about it. I also think employers don’t take non-apparent neurological conditions like ADHD or “low support needs” autism spectrum seriously.

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    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Oh, definitely. Most allistic folks don’t understand the executive function issues at all.

      Reply ↓
      1. I Have RBF*

        Seriously. My ADD diagnosis was as a kid, but unmedicated, and then I thought I’d “grown out of it”. Nope. So many of my issues with being on time, managing my workload, dealing with people, etc, in my working life are easily explained by my ADHD that I pretty much forgot I had, but it was still there. Additional cognitive injuries, like a stroke, made it worse. When I grew up they didn’t teach ADHD kids coping strategies, and because I was “bright”, I guess they expected me to miraculously think my way around it.

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    2. Tiredanon*

      Yeah, it seems they don’t take us seriously no matter the severity. With the milder issues, they’d rather we shut up and try to pretend we are completey abled so they don’t have to accommodate us. With more severe issues you then have sheltered workplaces and sub-minimum wage. Someone using a wheelchair might be more clearcut to some of the gatekeepers, but looking at all the issues around flying with them or just accessing businesses without additional hassle, it seems we all loose out at some point or another thanks to prevailing prejudices.

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  14. LemonDrops*

    I waited 5 months for an accommodation request to move forward on an “internship” position with the US Air Force several years ago. I was very patient, and I was in pain with trying to work without them. In speaking with my “home” office’s accommodations team, they told me that 30days is the max, this is way over that, and I have their support to WFH until the office accommodations were made. Within 4 days I was good to go.

    I think you are your best advocate and if it’s making it difficult to do your core functions without an accommodation, then it’s “reasonable” to ask for urgency. I hope you get your boss and your HR/accommodation support as well.

    Good luck.

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  15. Sympathetic but not optimistic*

    This person is 50 years old. What did they do before WFH was a common thing? Presumably, they worked a job in a location like most people did. That suggests that some coping skills that were in place might have atrophied. People don’t just develop ADHD in your 50s – while I have sympathy for anybody who doesn’t want to go back to an office (I have been WFH for almost 20 years), I would not hang all my hopes on the company coming back with the answer that the LW wants. I would start talking to my therapist about developing better coping skills, exploring medications, and potentially looking for a different job that still considers full-time remote work viable.

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    1. FunkyMunky*

      you’d be surprised how many companies have rolled back WFH stuff further back than it was before 2020

      Reply ↓
    2. Hroethvitnir*

      People don’t just develop ADHD at 50, which means a long, long time of really struggling, most likely. “You survived” is not a great bar. Also, WFH has been around far longer than the pandemic in plenty of industries.

      Note: I’m not saying that this is necessarily going to work out well irl, but there’s nothing at all unreasonable about not wanting to hang on by your fingernails to functionality for another decade.

      I am curious about their experiences, but the attitude that if you’ve ever done it you should be able to do it forever is definitely a reason people are likely not to feel comfortable being that vulnerable.

      POV: adult-diagnosed ADHD, wfh is terrible for me, haha.

      Reply ↓
      1. anon adhder*

        Also ADHD and menopause can have nasty interactions if that’s a relevant topic for the LW and thus things could be worse now.

        Plus we don’t know the LWs entire history; this job, now, they need accommodation to do effectively and not burn out. That’s enough information to make things clear to us and the employer. (That’s not to say that the employer has to grant this accommodation request, but it sounds like the LW has done everything they need to request it.)

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        1. OP*

          Exactly! As I’ve thought back about all of the (glaringly obvious) things I struggled with as a kid and then as an adult, it’s clear I’ve had ADHD most of my life. And I know there has to be some sort of connection between menopause and ADHD getting worse because that’s what happened. (BTW, I’m not 50, I’m in my late 50s, so menopause has been going on for a while.)

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          1. Magc*

            Same here — things got SO. MUCH. HARDER. when I hit my 40s with all the hormonal changes of perimenopause, and it seems that this is pretty common. Menopause just made things even worse. Sleep has also gotten more difficult since hitting 60, mostly due to arthritis affecting large joints with old injuries, and not having enough sleep compounds everything.

            I was not diagnosed until I was 50, when I was under a heck of a lot of stress on top of the hormonal changes and the level of dysfunction got bad enough. All of my siblings also have it, but the only one diagnosed as a kid is the only one with the hyperactive version. Fortunately, the same parent who passed along the ADHD genes also passed along an amazing memory and a pretty good IQ. That helped us cope, although I’m pretty sure that all of our spouses / partners have suffered because of our executive function problems.

            I WFH full-time, have since 2015, and from 2000-2015 was either full-time or part-time WFH. I would absolutely NOT be able to handle the extra 2+ hours it would take to prep for / get into the office every day, and the drop in productivity from being interrupted when I’m in hyper-focus mode would be incredibly frustrating. Fortunately, WFH is pretty common, and no one I work with regularly is in the building I would be in — a number also WFH, and the others are in other locations for the most part.

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    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Respectfully, no. OP doesn’t need to get into their life history for us commenters to accept that they really do need this accommodation. I have been WFH for ~10 of my 20+ years of professional work and I can say with certainty that the jobs I had that were not WFH were way harder than the WFH jobs have been. Is that because the jobs themselves were harder? Partly, yes, but partly also because I am far more comfortable in my home than in an office (or in a music teaching studio) and can work better in an environment that I have carefully tailored for my own needs. I work in an office on rare occasion for my current job and I am so easily distracted with all the people walking around and conversations being had that I get a lot less done and it’s very difficult on my ADHD brain. And I was diagnosed less than two years ago. Yes, I’ve always had ADHD but I didn’t realize how hard I was working to mask the symptoms until I got my diagnosis.

      Should OP talk to a therapist about possible coping strategies? Sure, but maybe OP has already done that and they’re not helping. Should OP look for a new job? Sure, can’t hurt to look, but if OP has been at this workplace for awhile and wants to stay there, then this is a more nuclear option that OP might not want to take. I’d argue that since OP does great work, it’d be extremely short-sighted on the company’s part to deny this request, which might force OP to look elsewhere. If the company is at all decent, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that the request will be approved.

      Now, I do agree that maybe OP *would* be better off in a job that is fully remote, but we all know that job searches can be long and difficult and the jobs available might not be what OP’s looking for anyway. I said it in another comment too, that OP can certainly look to see what’s out there, but if they really like their job other than this one issue, I don’t think it’s worth quitting over just yet.

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        1. OP*

          Thank you, @Slow Gin Lizz and @Enai. Some of these comments are making me feel pretty crappy, and I appreciate your understanding.

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      2. Lay off the sauce*

        OP doesn’t need to get into their life history for us commenters to accept that they really do need this accommodation.

        I am not required to, and do not, “accept” any such thing.

        The ADA only requires employers to grant “reasonable” accommodations — not any accommodation, and not every accommodation that the person making the request deems reasonable. There are likely other, lesser-means ways of granting this accommodation while keeping the requirement that the employee come to the office three days per week.

        If the issue is that she needs her own office, as opposed to sitting in an open office, that is one possible accommodation. If the issue is that she needs more time to complete tasks, that is another possible accommodation.

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        2. Walk on the Left Side*

          The site guidelines here on Ask A Manager do in fact ask us to assume that the letter-writer is writing in good faith and to take them at their word. The OP has been pretty clear particularly in some follow-up comments above that it isn’t about the office environment or the work tasks, as your alternatives suggest, but rather about the challenges of getting themselves and all the necessary stuff physically to the office more frequently than twice a week.

          You don’t need to agree with the OP, of course…but to engage in good faith in these comments, you should be ready to accept that this is the accommodation the OP believes they need.

          OP also doesn’t owe the company their life history to justify why they need an accommodation, and the company is absolutely responsible for an actual dialogue with the OP. While the company isn’t required to grant whatever the requestor asks for, they also are not allowed to decide unilaterally what will actually accommodate the requestor’s need. If they have some other accommodation they’re considering, they need to actually TALK to OP about it.

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      3. Tiny Soprano*

        Exactly! I struggled so hard with full-time in-person work that I used to fall asleep on the table on my lunch break every single day. I got sick all the time. I couldn’t cope with cooking after work because I was so wiped, so I basically didn’t eat. Did I manage to do that work? Sure. But am I doing better work now that I’m in a job that works with how my brain works, and do I actually now have the energy to also have a normal life? Absolutely. Should I have to do full-time in-office because I (just barely) managed it for a few years? Heck no.

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        1. Tiredanon*

          Unfortunately also relatable. Did I manage to work before WFH and hybrid became more common? Yeah sure, but that view requires also that it’s the only slice you look at.
          I did get nowhere near enough sleep and that sleep was of even worse quality than usual. I developed numerous additional health-issues, had truly zero life outside work and was glad to simply manage getting groceries now and again. Disabled people are in fact allowed to expect such things as enough energy left over 1. to meet friends sometimes 2. to stay on top of obligations outside of work with only reasonable delays and 3. not having to perform our rock-bottom for nosy bystanders, since we already have to do that repeatedly for all and sundry medical professionals just to get the bare minimum, if that.

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    4. Beth*

      I don’t see anything in the letter that suggests OP worked in-office for most of their career. WFH got more common during the pandemic but wasn’t unheard of before that. It’s just as likely that OP self-selected into roles that could WFH as a coping strategy for their undiagnosed ADHD, or that they worked in person but consistently struggled and were less of a strong performer than they are now, as it is that they worked in person using coping skills that have since atrophied.

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    5. mreasy*

      If OP is a cis-woman/AFAB, it’s possible they have started perimenopause or menopause, which – fun fact! – can make conditions like ADHD worse because it turns out your hormones were helping that whole time. So it is possible that OP’s ADHD has worsened with time. Our brains keep changing as we age regardless of our specific hormones, too. I was diagnosed 25 years ago and can confirm that my sensitivity to noise and other distractions has increased in the past 5 years.

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    6. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      People don’t just develop ADHD in your 50s

      Fun fact: you can suddenly develop a neurological disorder at any age, or have an existing one get a lot worse when middle age hits.

      The whole ‘you’ve coped for years, why is it a problem now?’ thing being asked negates years of suffering.

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      1. Tiredanon*

        Also studies unfortunately seem to show a much higher rate of job-losses* for ADHD-folks, which to me seems to show that on average, it in fact doesn’t work after all. Do some folks with milder versions, a more understanding medical team or better social support have less struggles? Probably. But that is only a subset and the others do in fact require additional support without a truly bonkers amount of hoops (which I’m convinced even most non-ADHD folks would struggle with) to jump through.
        *Link in follow-up comment.

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    7. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Wow this is insensitive. yes people don’t just develop ADHD. But the OP probably struggled alot and was not a high achiever. They want the accommodations so they can keep being a high acheiver.

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    8. State worker*

      WFH and hybrid schedules have allowed people with disabilities to enter the workforce. In my state, the governor’s RTO orders have eliminated flexibility for telework in departments where it existed before the pandemic. It has already meant people have had to leave state service or the workforce entirely. It is an equity issue for people with disabilities, especially because accommodation requests are know to take several months and they are cracking down on telework as an accomodation. People with disabilities shouldn’t have to “cope” with the office or take medication unnecessarily when telework a cheap and effective accomodation.

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    9. MigraineMonth*

      I listen to the Autistic Culture podcast, and the hosts call this the “Have you tried just suffering?” question.

      Yes, many neuro-diverse people who aren’t given the supports they need will develop coping skills. Many people who use crutches are still able to crawl if you take them away. That doesn’t mean that crawling is painless, easy, or long-term sustainable. A lot of neurodiverse people who “learn to cope” burn out so hard they not only lose their jobs, they lose the ability to work for a period of time.

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    10. Ash*

      Can you ask HR for an interim accommodation while they process your request? I’d request the previous wfh, 2 days a week or an every other day schedule. If they say no I’d ask for additional breaks during the day and/or flexible start and leave time.

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    11. I Have RBF*

      That’s really unkind.

      In case you didn’t know, ADHD is made worse by stress.

      Also, 20 years ago most places has real offices or cubicles, not the crowded, noisy, infuriating open plan with no inner walls. About 2012 everyone converted to open plan because they were cargo-culting Facebook. They realized they could reduce their office spending by blowing smoke up people’s butts with nonsense about “collaboration”, “togetherness”, and “culture” to mask the fact that they didn’t give a damn if people were uncomfortable and stressed by being crammed cheek to jowl in an open plan. Ironically, they don’t make the leap that WFH is even cheaper, because they are blinded by their paternalistic need for the control of “butts in seats in an open plan so we can watch our minions work.”

      When you get older, your ability to cope with certain kinds of crap goes down, not up. Your suggestion that the LW “start talking to (their) therapist about developing better coping skills, exploring medications, and potentially looking for a different job that still considers full-time remote work viable.” seems an awful lot like victim blaming in my book.

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      1. OP*

        Thank you, @I Have RBF! Talking to my therapist is how we figured out that I needed to get tested/evaluated for ADHD.

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    12. Off Plumb*

      I’m just a few years younger than OP, and I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago, after 30+ years of thinking it was “just” anxiety and depression. Remote work may turn out to be a necessary accommodation as my sector switches back to more in-office work. How did I manage until now? Very, very badly. This is the first job I’ve had, ever, where my attendance is not an issue. I’m able to take vacations now, where I used to use all my vacation time to supplement my sick leave, and still ended up taking a lot of leave without pay. I’ve taken FMLA/short-term disability at previous jobs. I was on SSDI for a couple of years.

      It might not be “you managed fine before, you just need to build back your coping skills.” It might be “you were miserable and hanging on by your fingernails for a very long time, and now you know what it’s like to thrive and you don’t want to go back.”

      Reply ↓
      1. OP*

        Yes, this. I wasn’t quite hanging on by my fingernails, but I was working really hard to try to make my atypical brain work like “everyone else’s.” And now that I know what works for me, I want to keep doing that – especially since I tried what they want, and it had/is having a big negative impact on me.

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      2. Tiredanon*

        Ouch, totally forgot about the vacation time issue even though I’ve done it myself.
        Getting SSDI at all is no joke either. I hope you can get the continued support you need!

        Reply ↓
    13. Anonnn*

      You seem to be confusing developed with diagnosed. Those two words have very different meanings.

      Reply ↓
    14. Dahlia*

      The answer to “what did a disabled person do before this accomodation” isn’t “they weren’t disabled” it’s usually “they suffered a lot and had much worse quality of life, up to and including a shortened lifespan”.

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    15. Hexiv*

      What do YOU think people who could not work in the office without painful and disabling symptoms did before WFH was common? Do you think they just didn’t work? Not an option for most people. They suffered instead. The LW is telling us they will suffer, and both the rules and common decency require we take them at their word – you can’t reduce this to “doesn’t want to go back to an office”.

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  16. BeenThere*

    My situation is eerily similar to the OPs (different disability, same accommodation request). But I, too, was a top performer with the highest performance score possible when working full time from home for 2 years before RTO.
    RTO was not OK for me. I had to educate our clueless “HR” department about the ADA. (I relied heavily on the ASKJAN.ORG website.) I spent months waiting for a similar accommodation to be approved. Months of complying with the stupid policy while trying other “accommodations” suggested by my employer (which I knew would not work). It took me having a panic attack in front of my boss for them to go “WOW, this is real!” Still took a month after that to get approval.
    I was also told I’d have to have the status of my accommodation reviewed every 6 months. So I dutifully jump through their hoops. Each time I submit my evidence (from doctors) for review, it takes them 2-3 months to approve it. However, in that time, I keep operating as if my accommodation is in place.
    What a shit show. Good luck, OP.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hroethvitnir*

      So much sympathy. Having a panic attack in front of my boss would probably ruin me for that workplace, honestly. Actual hell.

      Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      Thank you, and good luck to you, too. It helps to hear about your experience, especially if they make me prove that I still have ADHD and need the accommodation every six months.

      Reply ↓
  17. I can't think of anything creative or witty*

    Saying this only from the standpoint of if they say no- there are other things you can request. I’ve been pretty open about my ADHD (diagnosed at 5 and still 99th percentile for symptoms when rescreened as a middle age woman!). When we returned 5 days a week, I asked for a number of things that i just want to mention in case it is helpful.

    I have a private office. I hung sheer curtains over the window to the hallway so that i don’t see the people walking by but they can tell I’m in the office. If I have the door open, i use noise cancelling headphones with an app of white noise or classical music or a podcast I just have on for background noise, otherwise I keep the door closed.

    i now have a convertible sit/stand desk so i can rock back and forth if needed and take copious notes by hand for something to do during meetings if I need to fidget. If virtual meeting, I crochet off camera so i don’t get distracted by checking email or teams. They also know that I may stand and/or walk around the room. I get up at least once an hour to walk around the building. My staff(about 20 people) and my leadership have been great now that they know why I’m doing it.

    I’m very lucky to have an accommodating workplace, but ironically can say that i feel like I’ve done a lot of good being upfront about it because I’m over the office that handles accommodations and some of the things I have struggled with have been eye opening for others to know can be an issue. I actually have an easier time with in person meetings because I’m not as focused on not fidgeting, but had to explain why I don’t want to spend all day on camera now that people are back!

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    1. I can't think of anything creative or witty*

      Should have added- when on video meetings, I also warned them I will randomly turn off the camera when I need to stand up and move around and turn it back on when I sit down so I don’t distract everyone else.

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      1. OP*

        I’ve had a mini slinky for years that I fidget with while I’m working and in meetings, both in person and remote. It never occurred to me that anyone would think that was weird, and they usually don’t. But it was pretty funny when I was being evaluated by the ADHD doctor over Zoom, and he asked me if I used any sort of fidgeting gadget, and I held up the skinny so he could see it and said, “You mean like this?” We both laughed.

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    2. I can't think of anything creative or witty*

      And while I completely get WFH would be the easiest most cost effective solution, a lot of us work in places where that’s really not what is driving the RTO push.

      Reply ↓
  18. FunkyMunky*

    I’d go ahead and get your managers approval and WFH that 3rd day until it’s finalized with HR

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  19. Cabbagepants*

    If your boss is ok with you doing 2 days from home, then you might try enlisting their support to allow you to conditionally go back to that schedule, with the understanding that you will go back to 3 days in office if your formal request is denied. You say they are under pressure but this would basically be a compromise and could let the company take the burden of their delays, instead of you.

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    1. Cabbagepants*

      oops typo

      If your boss is ok with you doing *3* days from home, then you might try enlisting their support to allow you to conditionally go back to that schedule, with the understanding that you will go back to 3 days in office if your formal request is denied. You say they are under pressure but this would basically be a compromise and could let the company take the burden of their delays, instead of you.

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      2. Former Boss*

        I am hard seconding this advice. Sounds like the LW has a good relationship with their immediate supervisor. Cannot stress enough that enlisting their support, and even simply making certain they are aware that HR has not yet acted on the request might be enough to get the process moving along. I know in my former life I would have assumed that HR was handling things and one of my employees would loop me in if I needed to get myself involved in “persuading’ HR to move faster

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  20. i like hound dogs*

    Last year when I was waiting for my accommodation to be approved, the HR rep said I could just WFH in the meantime. Maybe you could ask if that’s a possibility?

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  21. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    It’s been my experience (here in the UK) that companies move a lot faster for accommodations when it’s a physical disability as opposed to a mental one. There’s still a prevailing attitude of ‘well if she just concentrated/smiled more often/relaxed a bit more she’d be fine’ that they can’t use when faced with a broken back or arthritic hips.

    I’ve had very little luck getting any accommodations for my various brain wiring kefuffles – the ones I’m prepared to admit to having anyway (I am not disclosing schizophrenia to anyone at work ever) – and had HR basically say ‘well, just take some pills then, it’s not our business’

    I’d definitely chase them up, but also look into just doing the WFH anyway with your boss saying it’s a trial run or something. If you can show figures detailing how much better that makes you it’s a lot harder for HR to push back.

    I wish you all the luck mate.

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    1. OP*

      Thank you! I’m going to talk to my boss tomorrow. BTW, I always look forward to reading your comments.

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    2. LBD*

      I suppose one answer to ‘well, just take some pills then,’ could be, ‘as soon as you get me the prescription to fill’.
      I would have a hard time not being sarcastically rude with that one.

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  22. HalesBopp*

    Lots of folks offered great advice but I just wanted to note – It is pretty normal for there to be a check-in schedule for accommodations. In good companies, this is really an opportunity for HR to check with staff if their accommodations are working, or if something else is needed. I believe ours is on a 6 month cycle, so at least that part is not atypical.

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  23. K*

    I’m an AuDHDer who’s had a similar issue recently. I went to HR with my supportive boss to request accommodation around mandated office days, with a letter from my psych etc. They wouldn’t give me a straight answer and just kept saying they expect all employees to aim for 2 days a week but understand if “on occasion” I am unable to do this, and shunted it back onto my boss saying it was up to manager discretion.

    I was quite upset at first by what I perceived as their lack of answer or help. But on reflection it seems what they’re saying is that they will allow my manager to handle it as he sees fit and they will not interfere. But it still left a bad taste in my mouth. Why can’t people just communicate clearly!

    (I’m not in the US)

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  24. Ash*

    Can you ask HR for an interim accommodation while they process your request? I’d request the previous wfh, 2 days a week or an every other day schedule. If they say no I’d ask for additional breaks during the day and/or flexible start and leave time.

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  25. Raida*

    I would ask my manager “Can I start working from home 3 days a week, as an act of good faith that the company *of course will not deny ADA accommodations*? I’m falling off a cliff here.”

    A ‘good manager’ isn’t one who says “Yeah I won’t say boo until red tape is finished” it’s one who says “This is stupid, you need to go home, I’ll put it in an email that we are pre-empting the clear conclusion.”

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  26. EA*

    I imagine that it’s delayed because this particular accommodation request happens to also be a very desireable arrangement for lots of people who don’t have disabilities (people usually, but not always, want more WFH days when hybrid and told to do more days in office). Not to defend them, but I can see how it will be tricky to not disclose the OP’s disability when the inevitable “why can OP just do two days and the rest of us have to do three?” comes. I agree with a previous poster who recommended having a good reason prepared for why other accommodations won’t work for you and it has to be an extra day at home.

    Reply ↓

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