my friend hired me but isn’t paying what we agreed, we get free food as “appreciation” but I can’t eat any of it, and more

by Alison Green on April 29, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My friend hired me but isn’t paying me what we agreed

A friend of mine recently started a business, and I happened to be the perfect candidate for the job because it’s a very specific niche. I was working for someone else, and she asked me to work for her. I would be getting paid the same amount and working the same hours, so I agreed to work for her. Unfortunately, she hasn’t been holding up her end of the deal with pay, and the hours are way different than we initially discussed. The first few months I was understanding because business started slow, but months later I’m finding that nothing is changing. I also am finding I’m helping her in many ways that take up my time and are basically free for her because I’m a friend.

I want to know how to approach this situation and bring it up to her without ruining the friendship entirely and burning a bridge. I can’t keep going like this because not only am I not making nearly what I thought I would as we discussed, but I also am putting a lot of time into helping grow her business, which I was happy to help with but I’m starting to feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

My previous job was an established place and usually very busy. I was paid the same amount every day even if it wasn’t fully booked. My friend said she would pay me the same per day, but somewhere along the way she changed that without discussing it with me. In the beginning I understood that with only a booking or two in a day, she couldn’t pay me the full amount per day. But recently it’s gotten very busy and even on days we worked all day, she would pay me half or a fraction of what we said. I’m there sometimes 8-9 hours and getting paid nearly nothing, plus doing extra tasks. =

I want to tell her that if she doesn’t have the ability to pay me the full amount if she’s struggling that I just show up and do individual bookings for a fee each. But I don’t know if that’s out of line. I hate to make it about money, but I’m getting so tired. I work two jobs and it’s starting to interfere with my other job and this one I do on the weekends, so if I’m going to trade my time to work I want to make it worth it for me.

You say you’d hate to make it about money, but it is about money. She lured you away from another job with an agreement about money that she has failed to uphold. It’s okay to be honest that the money matters! Friend or not, the agreement was never that you’d work for free; the agreement was that you’d leave another job to help her in exchange for an agreed-upon amount of money.

Say this to her: “I tried to be flexible when you were just starting out, but I was only able to leave my other job because we agreed that I’d be paid $X. With that not happening, I can’t make this work financially and need to find other work, so I’m not going to be able to keep coming in.” If you’re truly wiling to just do individual bookings (and aren’t just looking for something to placate her), you could add, “I’d be able to just come in for individual bookings if we stuck to a per-booking fee, but that’s the most I can do with our current set-up.” (But also, are you really willing to do that? It sounds like it would prevent you from finding another weekend job. It’s okay to just stop completely.)

As for the worry about the relationship: right now it sounds like you’re worried a lot more about the relationship than she is. She hired a friend away from a paying job and then immediately broke (and is still breaking) her promises about pay. Let her worry about keeping your friendship under those circumstances, particularly if she gives you any guilt about leaving.

2. We get free food as “appreciation” — and I can’t eat any of it

This is a low-stakes question, but it is bothering me a bit. I have been a teacher at my current school for seven years. There are approximately 60 teachers and a similar number of support staff. Our required monthly faculty meeting takes place at lunch, but lunch is provided to “compensate” for losing a duty-free lunch (which is part of our contract). Required professional development is flooded with candy to make it more palatable. During parent/teacher conferences, dinner is provided since we have to be at school so late on those days. Every spring, we have teacher appreciation week, where the parent-teacher organization provides food for us every day.

The issue is that I have type 2 diabetes. I take no medication or insulin; I manage it strictly with what I eat. It is incredibly frustrating to me that during all of these events, I cannot have any of the perks. I can’t eat donuts, sandwiches, pizza, candy, sweet drinks, pasta, cookies, etc. I have never seen a single low-carb option. I bring my own lunch to faculty meetings and conferences. I actively avoid the faculty lounge during teacher appreciation week to avoid the temptation and awkward questions about why I’m not eating whatever is provided. I have excellent will power, and I would certainly never try to dictate what other people eat or don’t eat, but I feel a little overlooked.

I know I can’t be the only person on our staff who has this issue or other dietary restrictions, but it seems like no one else has a problem with the constant barrage of carb-loaded snacks and meals. Is this worth mentioning? Am I being too sensitive? Is it reasonable to ask to occasionally have something to show appreciation that isn’t food-related, or do I just need to let it go?

Free food is an easy go-to because so many people love it, and a lot of them love it passionately. It can be hard to come up with another similarly priced perk that will please as many people as free food does. But it’s absolutely reasonable to ask for a wider variety of options!

For example, with the required monthly meeting, talk to whoever organizes lunch, explain you can’t eat what’s being provided, and ask how to ensure there’s something there you can eat. If this is a required lunch, they really, really should ensure they’re accounting for your needs (but they can’t if they don’t tell them what you need). And can whoever liaises with the parent-teacher organization ask them to provide a wider range of options — not just sweets, but fruit/a veggie platter/whatever specific suggestions you can make that would work? You probably won’t be the only person who would appreciate having healthier options included. But someone has to speak up and request them!

3. My spouse’s company is suddenly competing with mine

My husband and I have recently become competitors at work, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Our relationship started before either of our current careers and, for over a decade, we had no overlap whatsoever. Over the last few years, our roles have been slowly converging.

Fast forward to this week, and I’ve been on calls at my job where my husband’s agency has been named as a direct competitor to a project my company is pitching to the client I work on. It’s not the team my husband works on, but he knows that team well and they even collaborate on some of his projects.

Do you have any advice to handle this with work? I’m not worried about handling this with my husband; we just won’t discuss the project together. We occasionally vent about work together, but in a general way (“Jane is up to her shenanigans again” or “that contract I’m working on still hasn’t been signed”). Am I obligated to mention it to my boss? Should I try not to get involved in this new business pitch? It’s a good opportunity for me at my job, but the more I am involved, the more I feel weird about hearing about his agency as the main competitor.

You should disclose it to your boss; it will be much weirder if it comes out later and it turns out you knew and didn’t say anything. You don’t need to frame it as a big deal. You can simply say, “I feel like I should let you know that my husband works for CompanyName, since they’re also pitching for the X project. It’s not his team and I’ll be scrupulous on my side sides about not discussing anything related to project, but I thought I should tell you that in case it poses any conflicts.”

4. Explaining I got bad news during a vacation

I just went to visit my parents, and my coworkers know that was the reason for my recent time off. The visit ended with my dad in the hospital and he will likely either not recover at all or recover enough to be discharged into home hospice care. How should I best deal with the fact that my whole team is going to ask how my vacation went?

Should I send out an email to my immediate team that basically says, “Before you ask, my trip ended with my dad in the hospital so please don’t bring it up”? Should I pretend it was good? Should I say it was rough every time someone asks? Should I grunt and change the topic?

I imagine you won’t be able to respond to this before I need to figure out my own answer, but I’m asking in case it helps someone else.

It depends on what you’re comfortable with. It’s fine to say, “It went differently than expected. My dad had a health crisis while I was there and that’s still ongoing, so we’re working on that currently.” If you don’t want to get into it, it’s also fine to reply with something bland and vaguer (anything from “it was OK, how were things here?” to “there’s some health stuff going on in my family, so it was a hard week”), immediately followed up by a subject change if you don’t want to discuss it more.

I’m sorry about your dad!

5. How can I help my dyslexic and ADHD employee write better?

I have a wonderful junior employee who is enthusiastic, a fast learner, helpful, has a excellent analytical mind and is an all-round delight to work with. However, her writing needs improvement.

Some of the gaps I’d expect from any junior employee (know your audience, be concise, structure documents logically, check spelling and grammar before sending to your manager), but some are probably due to her dyslexia (words out of order, incorrect homophones, errant punctuation) or possibly ADHD (maybe some of these examples are really about attention to detail). She disclosed these diagnoses to me recently.

How can I help her improve while accommodating her neurodiversity? Most of the dyslexia resources I can find give strategies to help with reading comprehension, but I don’t think she has any issues there. I’ve seen suggestions to use AI writing assistance tools but, due to legitimate reasons, our workplace is unlikely to have these anytime soon.

Whenever you’re trying to figure out what accommodations might help someone, the Job Accommodation Network is a really good first stop. They offer an encyclopedia of potential accommodations for a wide range of disabilities, and a super helpful starting place for thinking about options. Their page on accommodations for learning disabilities might be exactly what you need. (Scroll down to “accommodation ideas.”) They also have something called “Situations and Solutions Finder,” where you can enter keywords based on disability, limitation, and/or occupation, and they’ll pull up examples of real-life accommodations they’ve seen made.

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{ 24 comments }

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A note: the reply function is not currently working (you can leave top-level comments but not replies to other comments). I’m aware of the issue and it should be fixed at some point on Tuesday.

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  2. SamiLou*

    For OP 2: During Teacher Appreciation Week, while the PTA supplied lunch every day, our administrators arranged for (two days, I think) to have massage therapy students come over at lunch time.
    They would bring their massage chairs – where you kneel a bit and put your face in an open cushion. Everyone who wanted one could have one – each session was about ten minutes or so.
    No removing of any clothing, nor any use of oils or lotion.
    Glorious!

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  3. Viki*

    For OP2: when you bring it up, please bring suggestions for food.

    Especially when the default is pizza, what is something that is in that vein? It will make things easier to switch if you have suggestions.

    Alternately, is pizza with a cauliflower crust something you can have? That’s the low carb option at my local pizza place.

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  4. AcademiaNut*

    I agree, providing specific ideas that are as close to what is provided is a good idea.

    I find that batch ordered lunch options tend to lean high carb whether they be standard, vegetarian, gluten free, etc., because the starch component is the cheapest part of the meal. This transcends cultural borders; I’ve had the pizza, sandwich and wrap versions, and also the rice based version that’s the default in East Asia. So having ideas about food that will work can help a lot.

    For snacks; a veggie tray with dip is a nice change from pastries and fruit.

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  5. Cherry Sours*

    For the dyslexic employee, is it possible to provide access on her computer to Grammarly? I’m a college student with ADHD, and I actually have the paid version. It’s great for spellcheck and rewording awkward passages. There are likely other resources that will be helpful in addition to this, but I consider it a lifesaver.

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  6. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    #2 – I, too, am Type 2, but I have always found something – can you request something like a salad, or open-face sandwich? If you don’t say anything, they won’t accomodate you.

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  7. I didn't say banana*

    I’m sorry, LW#4. If people knew you were going to see family, can you say something like “It was good that I went” or “I’m glad I was able to spend some time with family” and then change the topic? That makes it clear it wasn’t fun for you without going into details.

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  8. BellStell*

    I really like the new site design and navigation!
    LW4, I think saying something along the lines of what is suggested by commenter I didn’t say banana is a good option. And I am sorry about your dad too.

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  9. Venla*

    #4: Im sorry this happened.

    The way one of my colleague handled similar situation is that she called her manager before returning from vacation and told her in general what had happened. She asked the manager to inform our team, (saying that they had a health crisis in family) and that she doesn’t really want to talk about the vacation or situation in general. The manager informed us before her returning and people did respect her wish.

    Hope everything went as smoothly as possible when you returned to work.

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  10. Been There, Done That*

    LW1 – did you have a signed agreement with your friend when you started work with them? A document that sets out your role, duties, hours, hourly rate, PAYG tax and Superannuation, payment terms, all of that kind of thing? As a contractor it’s essential to have an agreement signed by both parties that covers you both.
    It’s the only way to work with friends or family and maintain the relationship, and also in instances such as yours you can point to the agreement as the basis for being paid in full.
    I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

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  11. Epsilon*

    Along with what Cherry Sours said about the use of Grammarly, AI is really useful to help with managing writing. I use ChatGPT (free version) a lot. I ask it to summarise what I have written so I can check that what I am wanting to be said is what I am saying. I ask it to check my spelling, punctuation, grammar, flow and cohesiveness. I ask it all sorts of questions about how to do particular things with the computer. I have also asked it to help me craft emails or work out what to say to someone, using a particular tone but also setting clear limits. It has helped me with my writing for meaning hugely. The more I have used it, the more it appears to recognise my “tone” and when I ask it to put my ideas into order, it writes very similar to the way that I write. I argue with it, and it often backs down! It has produced some very humorous replies to friends’ questions or statements.
    I’ve got a friend who’s a high school teacher of English and history. Rather than banning AI in her students’ writing, she has embraced it and taught them how to use it ethically. She has seen an increase in the depth and breadth of her students’ writing and wouldn’t be without it.
    I’m not sure why you say that your organisation won’t or doesn’t have it. Maybe one of the accommodations for this employee is that she has access to an AI assisted writing program.

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  12. KateM*

    LW#1 – you say you hate to make it about money. What would you prefer to make it about then – about your friend abusing your friendship? Seems to me that making it about money is by far the safest course – you just can’t live without enough money for food and place to live etc.

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  13. Jeam*

    for #5, there are special dyslexia-friendly fonts or fonts that are better for people with dyslexia, like the famous Comic Sans… from what I read this can help people with dyslexia read better. also a spell checker like a phone has, if that’s possible for a computer. I used to have a friend who had a lot of trouble with dyslexia, but then she got a phone with spell-check and suddenly she was a really good (and mostly correct) writer!

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  14. Agent Diane*

    For OP5, please ask your employee if she has any preferred accommodations that would help!

    Be clear you might not be able to use some of them for data security or cost reasons. But she might say something that she knows helps and that is easy for you to do (like the dsylexia friendly fonts, or working in a separate office when she proofreads her work).

    She might not know exactly what will work for her in this environment but working on this with her will be better than presenting her a list you’ve researched alone. If she’s early career it demonstrates the power of asking for reasonable accommodations to her, and it makes it a constructive conversation.

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  15. duinath*

    #1 i do in some ways feel like this is a good illustration of why i think it’s wise to keep professional relationships separate from personal ones.

    you can’t make your livelihood a favor for someone else. your job and paycheck is not something you can just let slide because a friend is having a hard time. this is your life. there are real consequences, and you can’t ever depend on other people to prioritize that like you need them to (sure would be nice though) and it’s easier to draw a line when you don’t feel like you’re betraying a friend when you do it.

    not to mention this kind of thing absolutely can blow up friendships (and families). i think a clean break between work and personal is easier to handle in the long run. work for your boss, hang with your friends, and do not make sacrifices for someone else’s business unless you are very clear on what that sacrifice will get you.

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  16. Julia*

    Oooof, I feel for #4. I am recently back from one of those ‘trips of a lifetime’ holidays, and I got the news my father passed away while I was away. I let my boss and team know quickly as I wasn’t sure when the funeral would be and didn’t want them worrying if I didn’t come back when I was supposed to, but letting others at work know has been difficult, as they are wanting to hear about the fun I had while I was away. Luckily so far most people have just murmured condolences and moved on.

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  17. HiddenT*

    #1, your friend is taking advantage of you. The way you speak about this situation is really heartbreaking because you’re so worried about not hurting her feelings, but she clearly doesn’t feel the same about yours. You need to ask yourself, would a good friend have put you in this position in the first place? She is taking care of the finances, presumably, and she knows she’s not paying you what she promised.

    I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you can save your friendship, because it’s likely that as soon as you tell her you can’t keep working for nothing, she’ll get angry at you. Just remember that it reflects badly on her, not you. You deserve better.

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  18. Nodramalama*

    LW2 I am confused whether you’ve tried just telling the organiser you have a dietary requirement, and if so, why not? How can they overlook you if you haven’t told them you can’t eat the food?

    Presumably the other people don’t have an issue with the food because they don’t have any dietary requirements.

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  19. AngloNemi*

    Thank you for the information about the Job Accommodation Network – my employer is not US based but we do have clients that are headquartered in the US and we were wondering how to navigate the recent anti-DEI clamour. While it’s great that the Disability Inclusion elements of the DoL’s work haven’t been defunded, it does make it apparent that DEI means something quite different in the eyes of the current administration. Trying not to accuse the US Gov of multiple “isms” but the evidence is right there.

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  20. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    Another (vehement and enthusiastic) vote for Grammarly. One of my team has been using it recently and the quality of her work (she’s a learning designer) has improved enormously, and she’s happier and much more comfortable in what she does.

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  21. Nebula*

    LW2, you can’t expect people to magically know that you need other types of food, especially since it seems you’re pretty discreet about your dietary requirements. In an ideal world, yes, there would be a plethora of options covering a range of diets, but in practice, it’s assumed that you will let organisers know if your diet is different to most people’s. I’m vegetarian, which is fairly common, and I’d always expect there to be something without meat at an event, but I still let the organisers know so they can order appropriate amounts of veggie food.

    You could also definitely ask for something non-food related! I’m sure lots of other people would appreciate that as well. You seem really tentative about the possibility of asking for anything – what do you think will happen? That someone will get mad at you? The worst that will likely happen is they say no or ignore you, which wouldn’t be great, but would only leave you in the same situation as before.

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  22. JSPA*

    #5, even if workplace practice / privacy issues ban AI and “help you write” programs,

    1. does that ban extend to (say) the grammar check function in your software? It tends to be rudimentary (if not AI-driven) and thus often flags longer and more complex sentences. But for “wrong word” problems, it works reasonably.

    2. Is your report self aware enough about the problem that she could take instances of known homophones, and run an equivalent but non-sensitive sentence through her phone, speaking it in?

    Say she has to write, “the bimonthly nuclear widget production lines are consistently missing (their/they’re/ there) targets.” Could she say, “the arrows are missing their targets” into her phone, and let google supply the right answer?

    “What would you use if you didn’t have access restrictions, and what partial equivalents might be achievable within our privacy limits” is how I’d think about this.

    3. If this writing is for internal communication, and the meaning is clear, discuss with her how much she cares, how much you care, and what she’s willing to disclose, to avoid the presumption of sloppiness? There are occasional high-profile people who are open about dyslexia, and just… make it known… that their excellent ideas will be presented in non-standard writing. Most people can’t pull that off (for reasons more cultural than personal). But with the rise of voice-to-text, I get the sense that many people (even sticklers) are becoming more willing to give a pass to a section of text that has multiple uncorrected errors.

    4. Any chance that the problem is that she is already using voice-to-text, but without a grammar recognition feature? More generally, “Show me how you write and check your writing, in case that suggests a fix we can use here” might be illuminating…and should let you gauge if she’s already spending a disproportionate amount of time and effort.

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  23. Media Monkey*

    op3 – i work in an agency (as do lots of my friends). my husband isn’t in the same industry but there are plenty of couples who are. generally couples don’t work on pitches for the same client – one of them will excuse themselves (and would either take it in turns or whoever can be most easily replaced by another team member). and agree never to talk about how the pitch is going.

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  24. JSPA*

    LW 2, Given this is an educational job with a contract, is there a union? If so and if bringing up the issue does not lead either to a stipend for you to cover your own food, or an ample supply of food you can eat… You could find out how the union feels about contractual time requirements being breached, by offering free food (as opposed to, say, time-and-a-half, plus free food? Meetings DURING contracted hours?). My guess would be, they’re not a fan.

    Reply ↓

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