weekend open thread – April 19-20, 2025

by Alison Green on April 18, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Greta & Valdin, by Rebecca K. Reilly.  Greta and Valdin are siblings and roommates, one dealing with his break-up with a much older man, and one trying to figure out love and her career.  It’s also about their large Maori-Russian-Catalonian family, and about struggling to find your way, and it’s funny. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Ha, I am sorry to say it’s going to happen again next Friday (server upgrade, and migrating over nearly 5 million comments is a ridiculous process). But then hopefully it will be done.

        2. Calamity Janine*

          i’m just glad to see it is indeed a planned thing!

          a question brings out the Nazi-related trolls, then the site going down got me a bit twitchy, lol. i’m very glad it’s just a coincidence and not you having to wrangle pests!

          2. Irish Teacher.*

            Yeah, I was wondering if Alison was updating something to make it harder for trolls to get in, though I wasn’t sure how.

        3. Mimmy*

          Thanks for the heads up! I got concerned yesterday when it was “under maintenance” for a good portion of the day. I hadn’t seen your initial post alerting us to the downtime.

        4. Retired State Worker*

          Hey, Alison, is that new thing that keeps taking over the browser when a person is on the site something that you’ve added with the new server? I’ll be reading a column or comments on AAM when all of a sudden the screen goes white, then turns to something telling me that I’ve been browsing unsafe websites (not accurate) and to click a box to prove that I’m not a robot.

          If that’s intentional, I’d appreciate knowing. If it’s unintentional, you might ask your web gurus to check under the hood to see if scammers are hijacking your site again. It happens at least once, often multiple times, every time I visit here. And yes, I do have an active and up-to-date virus protection and firewall on my computer.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            No, absolutely not — those have been flooding a bunch of sites, mine included, over the last couple of weeks and we’re in a constant battle to block them.

          2. Sloanicota*

            Is anyone else finding that everything they post today goes to moderation? I’m used to it one some comments but this is everything (and I haven’t been posting anything controversial!). Perhaps the upgrade tightened up the moderation features too?

          4. Strive to Excel*

            I’m so glad to know this wasn’t me! I thought McAfee had managed to download itself again.

    3. Laura*

      My pink jasmine, freesias, and citrus trees are all STILL blooming just in time for my Cecile Bruner rose to put out its first flowers. My tiny scrap of a backyard smells amazing.

      1. allathian*

        My crocuses are blooming and my Easter lilies have large buds! For that to happen anywhere near the holiday at my latitude requires a late Easter and an early, warm spring.

        1. Hearts & Minds*

          The flower posts make me so happy! I live vicariously through you talented gardeners. Please post photos if you’re inclined. <3

      2. Pam Adams*

        Our blooming pomelo smells great. The harvest and giveaways will last for a few more weeks.

      3. Forrest Rhodes*

        The jasmine outside my windows is in full bloom. The fragrance fills my living room and almost knocks me over every time I step out the front door. It’ll soon disappear, but it makes me happy every year.

      4. RLC*

        Cecile Brunner roses are so precious! Childhood garden had a shrub sized one and the blooms are perfect size for dollhouse sized arrangements.

      5. Six Feldspar*

        Cecil Brunners have the most amazing scent right? Almost peppery but still recognisably a rose

    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      We’re having an election in Canada, and this week I got to ask a forum of the candidates in my riding about an issue near and dear to me (last question of the evening, in fact). I always get nervous speaking before crowds, but it’s nice to have a reminder that powering through it is possible.

    8. Teapot Translator*

      Four-day weekend! I don’t celebrate Easter, so I’m planning a really lazy day on Sunday.

      1. allathian*

        Same! Had coffee with my mom and sister yesterday, and then my husband got her new computer up and running. Her TV stopped working last week and we passed on a working but not much used one in the spare room to her. I’m so glad our son’s a strapping nearly 16, I just carried the cables and remote up two floors while the guys in the family dealt with the 65 in TV.

    9. Yikes Stripes*

      I got to attend the paint the ice session at the end of my hockey team’s season yesterday and it was so much fun! I’m not much of an artist, but there were some people there producing absolutely ridiculously good things with watery tempura paint on ice!

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        That sounds like a great event! I’d participate, happily, and I can barely draw a straight line!

    11. Knighthope*

      1. Reconnecting my wi-fi without assistance after a multi-day area outage.
      2. Making a Spring floral arrangement in a class that provided lots of flowers from a local flower farm.

    13. Six Feldspar*

      Making loaves of bread! I’ve been doing no knead recipes all summer ans I forgot how good a traditional recipe smells with the yeast, and how grounding it is to knead the dough

    14. Bibliovore*

      I joined the Y. Walked in the current pool 3 days out of seven. Bought a new bathing suit and water shoes!

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This might be a little tacky but I am super happy this morning that when someone on the local neighborhood social media page was complaining that her purse and handgun got stolen out of her car parked on the street in front of her house, the overwhelming majority of the responses were along the lines of “Why on god’s green earth would you leave your purse and handgun in your unattended car parked on the street?” Because while yes, stealing is unacceptable, that is also a borderline criminal level of irresponsibility on her part, and I am happy to see people calling it out.

    17. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I finally got off the fence and bought an item I’d been dithering over for a couple of weeks. The item won’t arrive for a while, but the joy was in having made a decision so I don’t have to expend any more brain cells on it. I felt a sense of satisfaction as I closed each of the browser tabs I had opened when I was trying to decide which model of this item to select. Hopefully I will be just as satisfied with this item when it does arrive!

      1. Who Plays Backgammon?*

        Good for you! I hope it’s exactly as presented when it arrives.

        Had a similar this week. I have a significant event/new life chapter coming up and bought myself a present. I’ve been wanting a certain item for quite a while but kept telling myself i didn’t actually *need* it, already had things that did the job, maybe even it would’ve been more suited to a previous chapter. But this was a little bit special, so I gave myself the go-ahead.

          1. Tradd*

            New purple iPad Mini for me. Total splurge, but I’m enjoying the smaller size so much. I have a full sized iPad I’ll keep, but each have different uses.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Congrats! I suffer from decision fatigue myself, and keep trying to remind myself how good it will feel if I just Make The Choice and Do The Thing, but sometimes it’s just so hard…

    18. An Australian in London*

      I had a tech issue that confounded me all day Thursday. By Friday lunchtime I understood the issue well enough to have the luxury of multiple approaches for dealing with it, with varying levels of technical debt. I have enough time over the four-day weekend in the UK to choose the zero-tech-debt option, and that right there is more joy than I’ve had in months.

    19. Clisby*

      The milkweed seeds my husband planted in the front yard have sprouted and are flowering! I have a couple of milkweed plants we scored at a native plant giveaway that I’m going to plant in the back yard. Maybe we can encourage the monarchs. Also, the clover we seeded in the front yard has exploded with blossoms and already honeybees are coming around. (I seeded with red and white clover; all of it seems to be thriving but only the red clover is flowering so far. Clover is good for the soil anyway.)

    21. Bethlam*

      Spent 3 days with my sister, which included a lot of time with her grandchildren as they’re on Easter break. So a lot of cookie baking, walks, and trying desperately to hold my own at Foosball with a 6 and 4 year old.

      Then on to the main reason for my visit: researching bike trails for training, with an eye for doing a 5 or 6 day trip at the end of summer.

    22. Pro Bonobo*

      We are doing a bit of home renovation and the contractor and his team are terrific. Plus, one of the tuff guyz asked me if there was anywhere he could “go potty” and then caught himself and said sheepishly that he has little kids. I’m still chuckling.

    23. RagingADHD*

      Discovered a recipe for keto cheesecake that is actually quite good. I’m still not 100 percent sure whether it’s good enough to share at Easter dinner with folks who are expecting sugar, but maybe we can do 2 things.

      Also, going tonight with family & a friend to see the 20th anniversary release of Pride & Prejudice.

    24. Elizabeth West*

      I finished my cabinet! And everything fit inside it, and there was even room to put some stuff on the top shelf that I didn’t have a home for! Shelf two is like a little mini-furniture warehouse, lol.

      I hate putting furniture together by myself, but even though the door on one side is wonky, I don’t care. It works for what I need. :)

      1. Subtle Tuba*

        Glad to hear it! I remember that cabinet was giving you trouble after you were so happy to find it on sale. May you get lots of good use out of it!

    25. chocolate muffins*

      Taking my toddler to a museum and then watching him run around in our yard afterwards. Toddlers are so much fun! At least this one is.

    26. Southern Violet*

      The protests. 4M+ out in the streets on a holiday weekend, in bad weather in a lot of places. No violence on our end, four MAGA arrested for assault. And the best part is we collected thousand and thousands of pounds of supplies and food for mutual aid. I was in Pittsburgh and saw the crowd begin to see neighbors where strangers had stood. It was downright magical.

    27. Voluptuousfire*

      Yesterday was the first really warm day. I sat outside for a little bit during the early evening and it was really lovely.

  2. Boston Bound*

    Any suggestions for someplace to spend a few days in June around the Boston area (but not IN the city)? We’ll be flying in/out of Boston (from CA) and would like to spend some family time together. We haven’t had this chance in a while and I’m not even sure what I’m looking for! Want our son to have some fun family time before heading off to college.

    * Not into crowds (cities/amusement parks) (so we will probably not be staying in Boston)
    * Not museums
    * No camping, or many full day activities (need some downtime)
    * No day full of walking (2 people with plantar fasciitis)
    * Taking lessons in a physical activity (like water skiing) could be good
    * Seafood allergies

    We’ll have a car and driving a few hours is fine. Not saying money is no object, but I’m ok with a splurge for this trip. (I’m also looking forward to NOT cooking). Open to a resort-type place, or a central location to get an airbnb and hang out (I do not want to be doing the hanging out time in a hotel room)
    Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. ruthling*

      Many towns have really cute downtown areas. I recommend Rockport or Newburyport. There’s a rope course thing in Canton, maybe others. You probably have to make reservations.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I don’t know if these are too museum-adjacent for OP, but the North Shore has some historic homes that make a good, easy day when combined with a meal and perhaps a walk around town. I’ve taken out-of-town guests (including guests with mobility limitations) to Hammond Castle in Gloucester, Crane Estate in Ipswich, and on the historic homes tour in Salem through the Peabody-Essex Museum. Essex Heritage Tours also does a fantastic Salem Witch Trials walking tour, which I believe is typically available in June.

        Sadly I have no restaurants to recommend because me and mine are all about the seafood, but I’m sure someone else will have suggestions!

      2. Shakti*

        Yes! Rockport is a beautiful place perfect for idyllic times by the sea and for all activity levels! Portsmouth New Hampshire is also an amazing small beautiful city and someone down there said Newport Rhode Island which is also lovely!! Those are all beautiful towns/small cities where you can have a great time at any pace and enjoy good food and views and fun shopping

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe Newport, RI? You could tour a Newport mansion or two, and it wouldn’t take all day. My personal favorite is the Elms, which has self-guided audio tours, so people can go at their own pace. It looks like they now have a film about the tensions between the Elms’s plutocrat owners and the labor force in their mines, so it could also be educational from a Labor Studies point of view. Near Newport in Middletown is Becky’s BBQ, which is very informal and has superb barbecue.

    4. sb51*

      Do you want beach? Mountains? River valleys? There’s a lot of New England within 3 hours drive of Logan airport. I’m more of a rivers and mountains than beach person.

      The White Mountains of NH are about 2.5 hours north, and there’s lots of resort-y type places (a lot are ski resorts that have found other things to offer in non-ski times — you don’t have to be into hiking to enjoy being up there, although there’s a lot of that too, including some very short, flat walks to waterfalls coming down the mountains/other scenic stuff that doesn’t require being able to walk a lot. There’s an old train that does scenic tours, there’s a cog railway up Mt Washington, etc. River tubing.

      Zoar Outdoor in western Mass (about 2.5-3 hours drive from Boston) has kayak lessons / white water rafting and ziplining — obviously you wouldn’t want to stay there as it’s camping, but it’s not that far to drive over to a bunch of adorable small towns that have airbnbs and bed and breakfasts etc. (Shelburne Falls, Greenfield, Turners Falls, etc.)

      Candlepin bowling is less common than it used to be but is fun to try once if you never have – the balls fit in your hand, and there’s alleys scattered across New England.

      1. Western Mass*

        Zoar Outdoor: Rafting the Fife Brook (class II with one class 3 rapid) section of the Deerfield River with Zoar is a blast. I wouldn’t recommend their Dryway section (class IV) for beginners, but Fife is an awesome family day trip.

        The village of Shelburne Falls, just down the road, has tons of cute places to stay like sb51 mentioned. The village has candlepin bowling, Salmon Falls, great places to eat, a small coop grocery store right downtown, bookshops, etc in a compact space that’s relatively gentle for walking (no long city blocks or spread-out suburb feel).

        Western MA skips the crowds and is easy to get around in by car (little traffic). And it’s even quieter in June when all the students are gone! It’s generally not fancy, and options might be more spread out than in other suggested places, but the vacation traffic is much, much more manageable in June than by the coast.

        1. Chronic*

          If anyone’s a sports fan, Western Mass has both the Basketball and Volleyball hall of fames (Springfield and Holyoke, respectively).

      1. WellRed*

        Or stay at one of the resorts. The Cape codder in Hyannis, maybe? Pool, food, nearby activities in mid Cape include biking, boat excursions, kayaking, paddle boarding. Just don’t drive on Friday evening or Saturday morning!

    6. Former Mainer*

      Depending on how far you’re willing to drive, I’d go for southern Maine. It’ll still be a little chilly for full beach days, but I’d look at smaller towns around either Old Orchard Beach, Kennebunkpot or, if you want a little more downtown but not as crowded as Boston, Portland. Portsmith NH is also super cute.

      1. dreamofwinter*

        +1 to this – Old Orchard in particular is likely to be quieter than usual this summer due to the political climate keeping Canadians away. It’s a true beach town complete with a boardwalk/pier. The other towns around there are a lot of fun as well.

      2. dreamofwinter*

        Apologies if this posts twice – my previous attempt seems to have been eaten (or maybe it’s in moderation?)
        I second the Southern Maine suggestion. Old Orchard Beach in particular is a fun place, a true beach town with a pier and lots of sand to lounge on – and yet very different from a California beach town. It’s likely to be less crowded this summer, or so the rumor goes, as many Canadians who visit each year are planning not to.
        The other towns nearby are fun as well – if you like theatre, Ogunquit Playhouse always has good shows in summer.

        I’m not sure how far from Boston it is, but the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens in Boothbay Harbor are fantastic. Butterfly garden, hiking trails, shady spots to sit, and huge wooden trolls.

        I also agree with the Western MA recommendations. Shelburne Falls is a sweet little town and there are lots of other cute towns in that area too. June is a nice time to visit.

      3. Bluebell Brenham*

        I think the Portsmouth idea is great. Excellent food scene, good scenery. I’ve never been but Wentworth by the Sea looks like a fantastic resort.

      4. EA*

        I like Ocean Park, a cute little Maine town near Old Orchard but a touch removed from the fray. There are lots of activities like kayaking, paddle boarding, etc that can be done near OOB in addition to the beach and boardwalk. You can easily go for the afternoon + dinner in Portland one night (great food scene – make reservations in the summer!)

    7. Working under my down comforter*

      We’re cooking a Cornish game hen tonight (can’t find turkey for Easter and we’re not big on ham). I bought only one and I can’t find a recipe for cooking a single hen. Need help!

    8. GoryDetails*

      If you venture into southern Maine, there are some lovely views that you can drive to, including the Nubble lighthouse in York. And the Cliff House on Cape Neddick (between York and Ogunquit) has some SPECTACULAR views, both from the outdoor decks and the tall windows in their restaurant. (The Cliff House is a luxury hotel/spa/resort, and I don’t know if it’d fit your budget, but if you’re up that way the view is worth a quick stop. I pop in whenever I’m up that way, to have a quick drink or a meal while soaking in the ocean view.)

    9. Seashell*

      You might want to look into Smuggler’s Notch in Vermont. (smugggs dot com is their website) It’s a family resort, and, while there is stuff for little kids, there are also things that appeal to teenagers. Things that my teenage son liked: segway tours, mountain biking, mini golf.

      They have multiple pools, which it may or may not be warm enough for in June, and they also have hot tubs near one of the pools. They have kitchens in their condos, which we found was helpful for eating breakfast without running around, but there are places to eat in the resort as well as nearby. Piecasso (a pizza place) in Stowe is one of our favorites. Stowe is a cute town with some shopping. You can take gondolas to the top of Stowe mountain, and, on top of the mountain, there are a restaurant and hiking trails.

      And it’s pretty easy to avoid seafood in Vermont!

    10. Alex*

      The great thing about New England is that there’s a little of everything and it’s not very big. I live in Boston and a day trip to (Southern) Maine is fine. There’s beaches, mountains, lakes, culture–you name it!

      I’d suggest going on a site like Groupon and looking at different activities and then planning where you’d like to stay from there. Get a nice air BNB with a pool somewhere that’s not in the city (could be anywhere) and have that as your home base, and just make day trips here and there. You could go horseback riding, whale watching, beachgoing, etc. There’s some fun breweries around to visit–I’ve heard Tree House Brewery is fun to visit. If your trip is in later June you could go strawberry picking at any number of places.

      Places to avoid if you don’t like crowds:
      Most of Boston–especially the North End, the Fenway Area, Beacon Hill and Back Bay, and downtown.
      Cambridge
      Hampton Beach
      The route to the Cape, on the weekends

    11. Chauncy Gardener*

      Try the Beauport Hotel in Gloucester. It has a nice restaurant and deck and its own beach. They also have a shuttle where they’ll take you anywhere within a few miles, which is nice if you want to go to dinner at say, Franklin Cape Ann in downtown Gloucester. If you’re there in the summer, you’ll have access to the roof deck/pool. Gloucester has whale watches which are awesome. You can get a ride on a big sailboat and tour the beautiful harbor. There are a lot of other beaches and conservation areas as well. I know you said no museums, but Hammond Castle is super cool.
      Gloucester is super close to Rockport and Magnolia as well.
      Hope you have a nice trip!

    12. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I suggest the towns of Plymouth, Lexington, Concord, and Salem that you read about in your history books in school. All of them have fun downtowns and activities. Less historical but still fun towns include Gloucester, Rockport, and Ipswich on the north shore and Cohasset and Scituate on the south shore.

    14. Guin*

      Go to Western Mass. Deerfield is wonderful. Fishing, cool history, museums. Deerfield In is the best. Or go farther to Stockbridge/Lenox, or visit North Adams and MassMOCA.

      1. Seashell*

        If you go to Deerfield, I recommend the Yankee Candle store (as long as no one is sensitive to fragrances). They sell lots of things besides candles, and it’s a humongous store with different themed rooms.

        I never stayed at the Deerfield Inn, but ate at the restaurant once and enjoyed it. The old homes in Deerfield Village were interesting to go through.

    15. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Not a Boston resident, but when I was there, my GF and I took a harbor dinner cruise.

  3. Cargo e-bikes for carrying a large dog?*

    I’m thinking that it’d be nice to get a cargo bike (maybe a cargo trike?) so I can stop using a car so often to take my dog places. He’s about 70 pounds and needs a ramp to get into or out of a car (he can do stairs, but not bigger jumps than that), so I’m looking for something with a low-to-the-ground cargo area, ideally with a flip-down side he can use as a ramp to get in and out. I’m looking for recommendations or alternate form factors to consider.

    I’m not completely sold on non-electric bike versus electric bike versus more of a cargo electric motorcycle/scooter situation. I definitely would like to stop having so many errands under 5 miles, including my daily commute, be in a gas-powered vehicle just because I have a dog along and am looking at options. (He is not an efficient walker, and it takes me two or three times longer to walk someplace with him than without him.) These trips would be on city streets with speed limits between 20mph and 30mph. I have a garage to store (and charge) the vehicle in at home.

    Honestly, I think what I really want is a golf cart, but those aren’t street legal here.

    1. sb51*

      A box bike/bakfiets sounds like a possibility, though might need some customization to make it easy for him to get in. Or a good trailer and any e-bike. If it’s a trike, trikes with the front wheels being the doubled wheel actually handle way nicer, because both wheels can turn

      You can always turn OFF the power on an e-bike, but it’s really nice to have it; I grocery shop by bike a lot more because I can turn it on, even when I end up never putting it on, and a heavily loaded bike is a lot more stable once it gets over 5mph, so having the power kick you up to cruising speed quickly (even if that cruising speed is 10mph) is really nice. Mid-drives (where the motor is built into the bike by the pedal) feel the nicest to ride, IMHO.

      Good ebikes are not cheap; expect to spend 5K or more to get something that is nice to ride, built to last, etc, but they’re much cheaper to maintain than a car. (And I have no idea what the tariffs are going to do to the bike market, if you’re in the US.)

      1. JSPA*

        Unless you’re in the flattest possible terrain (and likely even then), I think you’ll want electric, if you have a 70 lb dog plus whatever you need to pad his ride (and restrain him, as temptations to lurch will be much closer than in a car) plus a hefty bike plus yourself to move around.

        And yes to a low-slung bakfiets or a trailer. I know, people haul 2 or 3 kids on a cargo bike. But with kids, they are strapped on-center in a way you can’t do (so far as I know) with a dog, And by the time they are large enough for a lurch to be problematic, they generally have the sense, not to.

        I see others have suggested a trailer as well; that’s probably the option least likely to be dangerous for you. Don’t know how old the dog is / how much jarring is acceptable? But it’s def. something to consider.

        Essentially all bike battery fires have been a) after-market batteries that are cheaper and/or sold as “extended range” (by going well outside of the design specs) and/or b) sold on secondhand after invisible damage in a crash and/or c) used visibly damaged (cracked or corroded). Though some off-brand ebikes are bad news from the start (same’s true for regular bikes.)

        I find mid drive WELL worth the price (vs hub drive) and for a cargo bike or trike, good brakes and tires made for weight are not optional.

    2. PatM*

      I’ve never looked into this, but usually when I see someone transporting a dog by bike it’s with a trailer. I think the trailer had a mesh screen that zipped closed from the outside, so I think it was designed for pets. Did you already look into those and reject them?

      3. RC*

        Only thing that comes to mind is I’d definitely get a trailer that hooks up on both sides of your bike. We were at our local close-the-streets-for-bikes-and-peds event last weekend and saw someone’s dog carrier tip over behind his bike and the dog was *not* happy, but I think it was because it only attached to one side of his wheel, and maybe because the dog had his head out the top (the dog seemed fine after he was extricated, fortunately, but he was definitely scared since he’d been clipped in, poor guy). Not sure how common that is but in hindsight yeah, be sure it’s something stable especially with a bigger dog. I’m sure there are good options out there!

    3. allathian*

      I recommend a bike with a trailer, as the trailer has a much lower center of gravity than any cargo bike. The mesh trailers look ideal for transporting even large dogs, if your dog can manage stairs, a trailer should be fine.

    4. DistantAudacity*

      In my somewhat hilly city there are an increasing number of electric frontloaded trikes (danish/dutch-style) used to cart dogs, groceries and kids around. As mentioned, once you get up to a little speed they get very stable.

      If you can swing it, I really really recommend getting an ebike with a decent battery – it truly is game-changing (the difference between flying international in economy vs business/first class, referencing the discussion last weekend:))

    5. Citymouse*

      Unless you’re a really experienced biker, I’d definitely recommend an E Bike for a 70 pound dog. When I started doing the trailer my kid was maybe 30 pounds and getting around my (hilly) neighborhood needed some work.

      My relative in the Netherlands uses a battery assisted box bike for all shopping plus transporting kids and uses a box bike, but that will run about 5k new (maybe a little less used). That’s truly a car substitute however.

    6. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      You’ll love an e-bike or e-trike! I have an e-bike and want to get a trailer for hauling more stuff and things that are bulkier than my pannier capacity.

      I have a friend with a Riese & Müller front wheelbarrow-style e-bike bakfiets and she puts two small dogs in that. They love it–ears flapping, tongues hanging out. She got it a few years ago; looking at their site now, the Load is the model that looks closest to it.

      Take the dog to the bike shop with you and take some test rides.

    7. Upside down Question Mark*

      I looked into ALL the options because I live in the Alps and the factor people don’t consider is whether or not they have ANY hills (even one), because it can feel like it ruins a perfectly good trip, even if it’s a paved city street. With this in mind I started researching torque based on my slope grade etc etc and so few of the heavily marketed bikes have that measurement in the bigger description (measured in nm and a lot of people here could explain it better than I), so I opted for the biggest motor I could because I could turn it down in strength and then just turn it up to be sure me and my dog (in a trailer by the way) can get up. I don’t know in English but it’s a kind of compensatory motor based on how much effort you put in etc. I still wish I went bigger and my dog is only 25 pounds. But I’m also not fit and fairly lazy about things. But just my two cents! And last but not least, those trailers are mind bogglingly expensive, I got mine on our local classified ads for like 30 bucks and pretty sure it’s a repurposed one for kids. if you go that route make sure it does have mesh. have fun!

  4. Angstrom*

    Remember that states are much smaller in the northeast — a few hours driving from Boston covers most of New England. You have a *lot* of options.
    What would your son enjoy?

    1. Boston Bound*

      That’s the issue – he doesn’t know either (for myself, I like museums, walking and seafood, but we’re trying to find things for him). And I think the fact that there are so many options is also making it harder!

    2. Masked Bandit*

      I was going to say the same thing: a few hours’ drive gets you to many New England seaside towns (Narragansett, RI; Wickford, RI; Mystic, CT) and many cute not-seaside destinations (Burlington, VT; Essex, CT; even the Connecticut casinos, if that’s your thing).

  5. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I finished the book If You Can’t Take the Heat by Geraldine DeRuiter. It’s a sort of free association memoir about food writing, feminism, and family experiences. I mostly enjoyed it although I wish it had been a bit less free-wheeling.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Starting Jessica Hagedorn’s *Gangster of Love*, about a family immigrating to America from the Philippines. I’m just at the beginning but liking it so far.

    2. Science KK*

      I finally listened to Pachinko by Min Jin Lee. Believe the hype. It was incredible. I didn’t cry but I know a lot of folks who have so use discretion if listening at work!

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Listening to The Secret History on audiobook. I wasn’t super excited going in (it’s for book club) and I’m still not sure how I feel about it almost at the halfway point. It’s very long and pretentious? There were a few parts where I zoned out for awhile and I don’t feel like I missed out, lol. But the characters are interesting and I think the author does a good job narrating even though I was a little put off at first having a female voice for a male narrator.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      About halfway through Three Bags Full–so existential with such deep thinking sheep!

      Next–not so sure. I have a few left on my TBR pile, but may switch off to something else just for a break. I also have a 70s YA novel arriving that I ordered because of the kids book discussion last week, Lizard Music!

    5. Teapot Translator*

      I read How to Steal a Galaxy by Beth Revis. As much fun as the first one, Full Speed to a Crash Landing. Hopefully, the library will get the last in the trilogy soon.
      I also read We Solve Murders by Richard Osman. I’m over Osman’s books. I disliked the jumping from character to character. I also feel like his human relationships lack friction (I don’t know how to explain it otherwise).

      1. Still*

        I was utterly charmed by the Thursday Murder Club series, and then I DNFed We Solve Murders. It just didn’t hold my interest at all. Beth Revis’ books sound fun, I’ll check them out!

        1. Tea and Sympathy*

          It took me a long time to get into We Solve Murders, but by the time I finished, I liked the characters and was happy that there was going to be a next book. I think maybe it’s the kind of book where there is as much, or more, thought than action, and that takes some time to adjust to. Or you have to be in the right mood for that.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      My book club book: The Woman They Could Not Silence. Harrowing true story of a woman in the 1800s who was committed to an insane asylum (the term used then) by her husband – but she was completely sane. I haven’t finished it yet…but she is one heroic woman. The same author wrote The Radium Girls.

      2. Fickle Pickle*

        44 Years in Darkness by Sylvia Shultz legit gave me nightmares. A woman who did have issues but they made her worse. Same time frame. So sad, but proceed with caution, not for the faint of heart.

    7. Six Feldspar*

      I’ve been reading My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix, Shroud by Adrian Tchaikovsky, and Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams … Horror stories all around this week!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My Best Friend’s Exorcism gets pretty heavy, be warned! Love the cover, though.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I’ve read most of the other Grady Hendrix books and didn’t find it as striking as the rest tbh… Great story but in the other books I’ve read there’s general creepiness/horror and then One Scene that is absolute nightmare fuel and always sticks with me (e.g. in We Sold Our Souls, the chapter with the journey through the drain)

    8. Teacher Lady*

      I read a ton of good stuff this week! My favorite from the week was Huda Fahmy’s graphic memoir That Can Be Arranged: A Muslim Love Story, which is about how she navigated the dating and courtship customs of her community and met her husband. It was really funny and so introspective. I am really, really loving her work. I also finished Zeyn Joukhadar’s Thirty Names of Night, which I’d DNFed a couple years ago, and I’m so glad I did because it was great! I found, both then and now, that the first 2-3 chapters were a little hard to grasp – they’re very much inside characters’ heads as those characters are established, and there’s a lot of abstraction – but there’s actually a lot of plot once the plot launches, so the beautiful language does have something to stick to.

      In addition to these, I read: Huda F Cares? by Huda Fahmy; I Was Their American Dream by Malaka Gharib; and The River Has Roots by Amal al-Mohtar. I enjoyed all of them! I have historically not been a huge graphic novel person, but I’m finding they’re great on busy weeknights when I want to read but my mental battery is drained.

    9. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Finished my deep dive into the Dungeon Crawler Carl series. It’s like Guardians of the Galaxy, in that it’s fun, and very good at both the relationships and explaining what’s going on in the action. Plus the cat is definitely written by someone who knows cats.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Newest book: At the Bottom of the Garden by Camilla Bruce, which unfolds in three viewpoints – an older woman who’s just become guardian to her two orphaned nieces, and who has an overwhelming passion for collecting diamonds – and is pretty ruthless in, um, dealing with people who get in her way; her older niece Lily, who can see people’s auras and thus can tell when her aunt is lying (hint: often); and her younger niece Violet, who can see ghosts. Including those of her aunt’s victims (!).

      Audiobook: A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking by T. Kingfisher – I’ve read it before, but am enjoying the re-visit. This is one of Kingfisher’s YA books, with its 14-year-old protagonist living in a vaguely-medieval fantasy world where magic exists but isn’t always trusted – and which manifests in oddly-specific powers. Our heroine’s powers have to do with dough – she can encourage it to rise faster or to correct itself if over-proved, and she can also animate gingerbread men. Oh, and she did manage to pour more magic than she realized into some sourdough starter, and now it’s not only extremely lively but also mobile – and sentient. (She calls it Bob. Bob is *awesome*.)

      Latest carrying-around book: Symbiote by Michael Nayak, a horror story about a bizarre plague afflicting the staff at the South Pole research station. It’s already very grisly indeed – and a bit unnerving, depicting the emotional strains of spending a season in the Antarctic night, even without a rage-plague {wry grin}.

    11. A*

      I just finished Death of the Author by Nnedi Okorafor.

      The best book I’ve read in the past year and not by a little.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I really enjoyed this one! It was my first Nnedi Okorafor and now I definitely want to read more of her work (even if it’s not terribly similar to this one).

    12. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished Murder in the Holy City by Simon Beaufort. A murder mystery set in Jerusalem in the year 1100. It was fine for about 95% and then someone used the word “virtually” in time dialogue.
      Now reading Heaven, My Home by Attica Locke.

    13. Citymouse*

      I finished The Tainted Cup which, I liked okay but didn’t quite land for me. I started but couldn’t get into Someone Your Can Build a Nest In.

    14. PhyllisB*

      I’ve been reading The Change by Kirsten Miller. It’s…different. Well, it is to me because I’ve never read much magical realism before. I’m really am not crazy about all the language, but I can appreciate context and strong emotion so I can pretty much overlook it. It’s a very good book. Last week I read her book Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books and I think I like this one better.
      I can only say I wouldn’t want to get on these ladies’ bad side.

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      My Penguin this week is a reread from 6th Grade reading comprehension class – The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle. My marvelous ratty used copy has as its cover image a still from the 1939 film with Basil Rathbone as the man himself. I was gripped by this book in grade school, gulping it down and carrying it with me everywhere. For a kid raised on Enid Blyton and the Moomins, this was some pretty heavy gothic horror and to my surprise (and everyone else’s) I was into it!

      I was curious now after these many decades to see if it holds up as a ripping yarn for an adult. Hoowhee – does it! Who is menacing and murdering a family of rich landowners out on their property? And in light of the evident risk, why do the owners keep going for strolls at night? Great stuff. It’s one of Doyle’s four full-length books, and is both a detective yarn and a mild gothic horror tale, with Holmes at his most brilliant and condescending. It’s not a long book, so I had time to watch the Rathbone film too. Rathbone brought a sparkle of warmth to Holmes’ snotty superiority. A very enjoyable immersion during a dreadful work week for me.

      1. Tea and Sympathy*

        I read The Dark Labyrinth on your recommendation. I enjoyed it, so thanks for that.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Connan Doyle may have gotten utterly frustrated with Holmes, but his fans adore him, and for good reason!

        If you want to see some fun takedowns of the Rathbone films, Bridget and Mary Jo have riffed several in the series! Available on Rifftrax (some should also be on Amazon Prime if you have that.)

      3. allx*

        Aww, I love the Moomins. There is a shop on Chicago’s northside called the Sweden Shop that sells lots of Moomin book related things, as well as beautiful textiles, housewares, and delicious Scandinavian foodstuffs (yea, lingonberry preserves). I always try to go by there when I’m in town because I love their dish towels. They also have a companion restaurant on the corner call Tre Kronor.

        I was a childhood Doyle fan too, starting from about the same age as you. I found the complete works on my parents’ bookshelf. I don’t recall our schools assigning anything so interesting to read.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Kindred spirits! I have a very sassy Little My tote bag I bought from there.

          I’m sorry you didn’t get to read Doyle in school. We read Baskervilles and Arthur C. Clarke’s Childhood’s End and even the first half of Wuthering Heights at the end of 6th grade. I had a very cool 6th grade teacher, and the curriculum gave her a lot of leeway.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Me too. I have another Penguin of Doyle for later in year, and it will never compare to the first and best read of them all.

      5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Oh, funny, I’m watching the Sherlock series with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman and am just now on the Baskerville episode. I read and reread the Holmes books as a kid–may need to reread.

    16. Broken scones*

      I finished reading THE BONE SPINDLE by Leslie Vedder for a book discussion and really enjoyed it. I was the only one in my group that actually liked the book and will continue the series, lol. I understand why others in the group didn’t enjoy the book, but I read it in one sitting and it’s been a while since that’s happened. The book is perfect if you love fairy tale mashups with a big cast of characters and plot lines. Check the author’s website for content warnings if you’re interested!

    17. allx*

      I have been reading (slowly) The Dead are More Visible by Steven Heighton, a wonderful collection of eleven short stories. Beautifully crafted, exquisitely human.

      Also slogging through Empire of Pain. It is not holding my interest. Fifty pages in I both hate and am bored by Arthur Sackler, his tag-along brothers, and the whole chicanery of backroom deal-making of American industry. This seems like a book designed to frustrate and upset me, and I’m still two generations away from the current-day Sacklers. It is headed to the DNF pile.

      Also on its way to DNF is Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. An old book (early 2000s) that investigates the FLDS/Warren Jeffs brand of extreme Mormonism, whose main tenet seems to be the strong belief of male entitlement to multiple obedient wives. It is tedious and irritating, and isn’t giving me the insight I was looking for.

      What I really want is to understand the role of Mormonism plays in current-day women behaving badly based on their extreme (LDS) religious beliefs. I realize I am late to the party, having just found out about Ruby Franke/Jodi Hildebrand (both pleaded guilty to abusing Ruby’s youngest two children) and Lori Vallow Daybell (on trial now in Arizona for conspiring in the murder of her husband, Charles, and serving consecutive life sentences in Idaho for her part in murdering her two youngest children and her boyfriend’s wife). In both cases, the women purported to believe that the victims were possessed by demons.

      A few weeks back I read In the House of My Mother by Shari Franke, Ruby Franke’s oldest daughter, on the evils of (Mormon) mommy-vloggers. It was engaging, not a tell-all but more a personal journey story of Shari, but didn’t give any of the insight I am chasing.

      1. Jack Mormon*

        Now I’m curious about this too.

        Actual Mormonism doesn’t do demons (i mean – they think there are angels and fallen angels and a war in heaven – but they tempt you, not possess you. And I did a stint as an evangelical after being raised Mormon, so I know the difference).

        So that’s an interesting question – where did that come from? Is that part of the Jeffs cult or some standalone excuse by those women individually? Interesting.

        1. Pandas*

          As I mentioned below, in my Alyssa Grenfell recommendation, she talks a bit about that. There is a subset of mainline Mormanism that has expanded the temptation aspect of demons to possession. There’s a book that the church used to promote (I forget the name), that got pretty influential and both Franke and Vallow read it that covers demon possession. Jodi Hildebrant, who was a church recommended therapist, would also regularly “get possessed” and there’s footage of her doing so. She really influenced Ruby Franke, is charged as co-abuser in the abuse case.

      2. Pandas*

        Not a book, but you should check out Alyssa Grenfell’s YouTube channel if you’re interested in this topic. She’s an ex-Morman who covers a lot of topics related to the church, and she did an episode on Ruby Franke that covers exactly what your looking for I think, on how Morman doctrine likely shaped Franke’s views on motherhood, her relationship with Jodi, and the history of demon possession and the LDS church.

        1. allx*

          This comment is late and you likely won’t see it but thanks for the recommendation. The book you reference is Visions of Glory and seems to be common to both Ruby’s and Lori’s move away from mainstream LDS to end-times/prepping extremism. The trials of Lori and of Chad provided a lot of evidence that their motives were personal though, basically money and sex/love and wanting to start a new life together unencumbered by telestial burdens (i.e., her kids). I think that if they had not been dragged back from Hawaii, they would have lived out their lives quite happily never thinking again about leading the 144,000 chosen people.

          I have been sampling the Mormon Stories podcast, some of Megan Conner’s posts (Lori’s cousin), and watching the actual trial of Lori for Charles’ murder. I will check out Grenfell’s channel and see if it fills in the big gap of how does someone get to this point. I think Lori’s beliefs are obviously outside probably 95% of the regular Mormon experience, but I don’t think she is mentally incompetent. Instead, I think she is smart, ambitious, self-centered, but also diabolical. She used extreme religious belief justifications to get what she wanted when she wanted it.

    18. KatCardigans*

      I started Everything Is Tuberculosis by John Green in the hospital last Saturday after my baby was born, and finished it up last night! I knew I’d like it and I did; it was the right mixture of interesting and easy to pick up/put down to read while nursing a newborn this week.

      DNF The Art of Frugal Hedonism. I hated the writing style and I felt like the authors were more committed to evangelizing about being weird hippies than they were to sharing anything actually useful. It’s due back to the library and I will enthusiastically chuck it in the return bin.

      Trying to get through Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin Kobes Du Mez, which is also due back to the library. The content is mostly stuff I already know, but I like how it’s laid out. It makes me feel kind of despondent, though, so it’s a little hard to read in big chunks.

      Gonna get back to Greenteeth soon, but just haven’t been feeling like fiction lately.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        I absolutely loved John Green’s Everything is TB too. He comes across as such a nice human in this book. I will definitely seek out his other non-fiction essay book.

        And his YA books come highly recommended, but I have no desire to read them.

    19. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I read really fast so I can get through multiple books in a good week, and this was a good week for reading.

      The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal: I’ve loved her other books and this one is fun. Every chapter opens with a cocktail recipe and it’s like an old-time detective romp, but in space.

      Ink Blood Sister Scribe by Emma Törzs, which I think was a recommendation in this space. Fantastic fantasy and I can’t wait for her next book.

      Just finished the Family Fang by Kevin Wilson, following up on reading Nothing to See Here. He has a way with weird, that’s for sure. I’ll be reading the sequel Perfect Little World.

      Before that, I’m going back to fantasy with House of Salt and Sorrows by Erin A. Craig and its sequel, House of Roots and Ruin.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      I’m reading Robert J. Sawyer’s Starplex. I like all his stuff, even this — it’s hard sci-fi, which I don’t normally read, but it’s good. I think it would make a good movie.

  6. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working my way through Spiritfarer. I’m getting frustrated with not being able to advance to the next bit; I feel like I’ve gone everywhere and don’t know what I have left to do to get my charges safely to the afterlife. But otherwise it’s mostly been fun.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      Slooooooowly working through OoT – took two nights to get the 3P controller to work, but am working on maxing upgrades before heading to the Mountain.

    2. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      I’ve been playing My Time at Sandrock in preparation for the next game.

      I picked up Potion Permit during the last Steam sale so that’s my next.

      1. Golden*

        I just beat Sandrock a few weeks ago and haven’t stopped thinking about it since! I’m sad about Evershine’s departure from the art style used in Portia/Sandrock though. The former two had such a distinctive style that seemed to fit well with the feeling of the game, and I lose that a bit when I look at Evershine promotional materials.

        Aa far as what I’m working on now, I’m splitting my time between Prey on PC and Zelda: Breath of the Wild on Switch.

    3. Yikes Stripes*

      A friend and I have started playing Spirit Island long distance and I must say that it’s been a delight. It started as a board game and then they made a Steam version of it – the idea is that you play as various Spirits of the Island who are trying to rid their island of settlers.

      Idk, there’s something that’s just incredibly satisfying about murderizing little white plastic dudes if you’re doing it irl or making them go poof on the computer version. Plus, the artwork is incredible.

        1. Yikes Stripes*

          There’s kind of a steep learning curve at first as you figure out which spirits do what and how they play off each other, but if you do try it out please know that River Surges in Sunlight is an excellent first spirit to play!

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Playing Lego Hobbit finally. I am slow and not good a video games, but its fun. And when I decide I’m stuck and want help, I have help readily available!

    6. Blueberry Poptart*

      Going really old-school here and have been playing Uno with my family. We have a new version called Uno Flip. There’s a light deck on one side of the cards and a dark deck on the other side. There’s also flip cards. When you play a flip card everyone has to flip their hands over to the other side.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      I started playing a phone game called Car Jam. I’m not sure if it’s meant to be impossible to make you pay for upgrades or if I’m just that bad at it. Regardless, I’m having a lot of fun replaying the same levels over and over again. It’s very soothing!

    9. Shiara*

      Not everyone could make it to this month’s DND session, so we did a one shot and let everyone play different characters + invited some people who were interested. It was fun! But I do miss the campaign, and I’m worried we won’t get to play next month either. I wish we could play more often, but everyone’s just got to much going on.

  7. HannahS*

    Can anyone recommend a good sofa bed, or have experience with the IKEA ones? Whatever we get will be used mostly as a couch, and infrequently slept on. We are moving and will finally have enough room to host people (yay!) but we’re probably looking at a couch-in-the-office-nook rather than a full-on guest bedroom.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Might not be quite what you’re after, but Ikea’s Hemnes daybed worked for my brother as a bed for a really long time. He never bothered to put it back into couch format, but loved it as a bed.

      1. HannahS*

        I actually love the Hemnes daybed–one of my friends had one in university. I read some mixed reviews, so it’s helpful to hear that about your brother.

      2. Gnomes (UK)*

        We also have a Hemnes day bed – I really like it as a piece of furniture and the drawers are really useful for storing bedding in when it’s in use as a sofa. It’s pretty comfy too, although in order to make it into a proper sofa I think you’d have to put quite a few cushions in the back as it is like sitting on a single bed – if I lean against the back, my legs are straight out in front of me with no chance of touching the floor. I do find that the tall sides make it feel as if it’s taking up more space than an ordinary single bed would though. I’ve always intended to paint ours with folk art motifs do make it more of a feature/embrace its largeness but I haven’t got round to it yet.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My husband has a sofa-style futon that he occasionally sleeps on, and his brother, I think it folds out to a full size but they don’t usually bother to unfold it from couch mode. More couch-friendly than the Hemnes, probably less bed-comfy.

    4. Me*

      We just spent a long time looking at all those. All the sofas that turned into beds were uncomfortable as beds. We ended up getting the Hemnes daybed but it didn’t seem like it would work well as a couch.

      If your visitors will be not too old, I’d actually recommend an air mattress instead. They pack up small and are remarkably comfortable. The only thing is older people may have trouble getting up from it from the floor.

      1. talos*

        You can get air mattresses that are up to 18 inches thick! That’s not “bed with a box spring” height, but it sure right on the floor either.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The only thing I’d say there is that the more surface area an air mattress has, the more places it can develop a puncture. I’ve personally never slept on one of the tall ones that lasted a full night without deflating from somewhere.

          1. Hostess*

            I have an air mattress from Frontgate that we have had for about 10 years, using it for 2-5 nights a year. Ours is queen sized. It plugs in to inflate and deflate, and stands on legs so it is at regular bed height. It unfolds and folds itself, which is somewhat entertaining to watch. With a fluffy mattress cover on top, I’m told it is quite comfortable.

        2. Unnamed at 71*

          I’ve slept on one of those really thick air mattresses. Fine for sleeping; excruciatingly painful getting up and down. It’s too low simply to sit on the edge and stand up.
          When I was young, I had little trouble rising from kneeling on the floor, but that was a long time ago. (Yoga and physical therapy can only do so much.)
          Futons can be comfortable, if you get a good quality mattress. Or put an air mattress on top of it.

      2. HannahS*

        Hm, that’s a good point. I imagine it’ll mostly be 1-2 adults in their 30s/40s with maybe a kid in the pack-and-play, which we already have.

        As much as a I like the idea of a folding sofa, the reality is that we have guests so infrequently that an air mattress could be really good. Do you have brand recs?

        1. Alex*

          I’m not sure if this would fit your style, but a friend has one of those Cordaroy “bean” bags that unstuffs to be a big poofy thing you can sleep on. I find it sooo comfortable to sleep on, much better than an air mattress. But you do still have the problem of it being very low to the ground for those who have trouble getting up.

        2. Me*

          The one I have is from 2010, so not sure what new technology has come along, but it’s an Aerobed that came with a pump and has a sort of quilted top. It never sprang a leak or deflated, but I haven’t used it recently. I did also put a mattress pad on top of it for added comfort but not sure it was needed – I just happened to have one so used it.

          Deflated, it’s basically a large sack about the size of a lumpy backpack stuffed full – it sits on the floor of my closet. If I lived closer to you, I would just give you mine to try!

        3. ThatGirl*

          We have a Serta that’s nice and thick so not as hard to get up from. I’ve been told it’s very comfortable for a night or two. The only real downside is it’s lightweight so shifts around a bit,

        4. All Monkeys are French*

          We are in a similar situation with infrequent guests, but I have not had good experiences with air mattresses. Our solution was a folding metal frame and tri-fold foam mattress. We have a queen, so the frame is in two pieces and can be stored under a bed (we keep it in the garage). The mattress lives in a closet, folded and zipped into a cover. It’s quite firm, but I find it really comfortable.

    5. CTT*

      A few friends have recommended the Koala sofa beds and I’m definitely going to get one of the single chair/beds for my office as an alternative to a full guest bedroom

    6. Laggy Lu*

      We have one that is a loveseat, with storage underneath. I am not seeing it on the website, though. It just folds flat. I’m told that the side you sit on is comfy, but the back side is a bit hard. It’s fine for a night or two, but it’s not as good as a bed or air mattress.

    7. adorkable*

      We have an IKEA Friheten and love it. it’s pretty firm as a couch and there are no springs so it’s also pretty firm as a bed. Plus it has storage for bedding.

      We have slept on it more often than guests have (usually when one of us is ill) so can be confident that it’s comfy!

      1. crookedglasses*

        I have this one as well and it is great. Pretty compact if you don’t have a massive space and ridiculously easy to switch between couch mode and bed mode. Highly recommend!

      2. Alex*

        My friend used to have this and I slept on it many times. She thought it was great as a couch–I personally thought it made a really uncomfortable couch, but a fine bed!

      3. amoeba*

        That one’s great! Sitting on one right now that’s been holding up for daily use as my boyfriend’s living room couch for 10 years or so and is still fine and comfy enough. Have also slept on one many times and it’s good! If you want to make it even better, think about getting a topper, but it’s fine without one as well.

      4. The Body Is Round*

        We got the Friheten and it’s lovely. It’s pretty flat and comfortable as a bed, and it’s my favourite lounging spot as a sofa.

    8. Second best time to plant a tree*

      We have the IKEA Alvdalen. It makes for a very hard bed so we put a mattress topper on it when using it as a bed and then it’s very comfortable.
      It’s very quick and easy to convert (as long as you have somewhere convenient to store the topper when it’s not set up as a bed). There’s enough storage under it for its bedding (but not for the topper, or at least not our topper).
      It’s also compact relative to the sleeping space it offers, which was important to us as it’s in a small room.
      It’s not amazing but was the right balance of cost/size/comfort for us.

    9. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      We had this thought and ended up getting a high end futon. Most pull out sofa beds don’t support that much weight and end up bending. Ours is a solid wood futon that’s pretty comfortable as a bed. It’s a local company but they may ship called Bedworks – their website is bedworks dot net.

    10. Lady Danbury*

      Highly recommend Rowe Furniture. Not the cheapest, but high quality, looks and feels great as a couch, but also the most comfortable pull out I’ve ever slept on. I had the dorset model in particular but I’d assume that it applies to their entire catalogue.

    11. Oui oui oui all the way home*

      I hope it’s okay to tag along on this post to ask if anyone can recommend super soft pillows that aren’t made of animal down. I just ordered “soft pillows” from a home store retailer and they are basically a lump of foam which I will be donating to someone who likes that kind of pillow. I’m neurodivergent and like to have my head sink into the pillow so the sides come up and cover my ears. Advice is greatly appreciated, thanks!

    12. Songbird121*

      Something to consider whether you get a sofa bed or an air mattress is to also get a 3 inch foam topper and a vacuum bag to store it in. Either an air mattress or a sofa bed are not the most comfortable, but the addition of the memory foam topper can be a huge difference.

      I have a 2 foot tall air mattress that I originally got for campground camping, that I now mostly use for guests that I have had for many years. The super tall ones are easier to get off and on and even if they loose some air you don’t end up on the floor. The downside to an air mattress is that they transfer movement more than a sofa bed, so if there are two people on it, that can be challenging. But whether the sofa bed or the air mattress, the memory foam topper changes everything. I ended up in the guest room of my parents one summer helping them with some house stuff. Went for a week, and ended up there for two months. An air mattress with two 2 inch memory foam toppers was comfortable enough to sleep for that full two months.

      In both my apartment and my parent’s house, which are small and don’t have room for a guest bed, the memory foam topper gets stored in the vacuum bad which shrinks it down and makes it relatively easy to store in between uses in a smaller space. If you get a sofa bed you may be able to slide the vacuum sealed memory foam topper underneath for storage.

    13. Moths*

      I’m late to this thread, so I don’t know if you’ll see it, but I had the Ikea Hemnes daybed for several years and used that in my guest room/office and it worked great. What I liked about it most is that a single person could sleep on it as a twin without it being pulled out and if a couple was visiting, I could pull it out into the king-sized bed. It was super functional for all of the guests that I had and was fine as a “couch” when no one was visiting. It even travelled through a couple of cross-town moves with no issues. I ended up selling it after several years for about 1/3 of what I paid for it, which I thought was a good investment for the use I got out of it! Once I had to convert that room into a nursery, the bed had to go and I didn’t have another spot for it, so I got the Ikea Finnala pull-out sofa. I love that too! Its cushions are pretty firm, but I nap on it when it’s in sofa form at least weekly and have slept on it frequently all night and it’s comfortable enough. Once pulled out, the mattress is pretty thin, so I got a fold-out board that goes under the mattress so that you can’t feel the slats and that works well too. I’ve slept on it pulled out and several visitors have slept there too and it is pretty comfortable. A mattress topper will probably be my next investment, but it’s been comfortable enough even for extended visits that I haven’t jumped yet. The sofa itself is super solid as well. My kids put it through its paces and it doesn’t show any wear. I like that the covers are all machine washable, though the arms/base covers are impossible to get off without disassembling the couch itself. The cushion covers wash fine though. Also, the couch itself with the sleeper unit weighs a ton. It’s also a big couch, so I can’t sit all the way back without my legs sticking straight out, but it’s the main piece of furniture in my living room, so it works for that, but may be too big for an office.

    14. Mathemagic*

      We got a convertible sofa from Room and Board. So far, we love the couch and guests say the bed is comfortable. It was definitely expensive, though. Our last couch didn’t hold up at all and my parents visit a lot especially now that we have a baby (who took the guest room as a nursery), so we were willing (and able) to splurge if it would last a long time.

  8. Just a name*

    Luggage recommendations please: I am looking for a personal item/carry on that is easy on the hands. I have a spinner bag that I can check but the underseat spinners seen so hard to use. Something that rolls (as my personal item/ carryon can be heavy). I have arthritis in my hands and neck so I’m trying to avoid putting too much stress there. Anyway we are headed to Croatia and in addition to the usual aches I seen to now have a shoulder injury. I seem to be on a constant search for a solution. Help?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m not sure why the carry-on spinner bags are harder to use than the one that you check through? But you do want a roller bag?

      I’ve been using Delsey brand for years. Currently I have a 21 inch roller bag (carry-on for most airlines) and a smaller 19 inch one as well. I can’t carry both on, since neither fits under the seat, but I can choose between them. If I’m trying to only use carry-on, I bring the 21″ plus a backpack that fits under the seat. If I’m checking luggage, I’ll send the larger bags through and carry the 19″ with my essentials.

      I am capable of loading my luggage into the bin, but if I need help I find that most people are quite willing to assist.

    2. Squidhead*

      Your best bet might be a pair: a spinner that can go in the overhead (make sure it’s the right size for European flights) and a “personal item” that can slide over the extended handles of the spinner. This way when you’re walking around you just push/pull the spinner unit. The personal item can be a cross-body (long strap) or small hand duffle…I’ve seen both. They might make them with shoulder straps (backpack style) but the key point is a slot or strap for securing it to the extended handles. When you board, remove it and put it in your seat while you put the spinner in the overhead (as another person commented, often other travelers will help if it looks like you’re struggling). Then tuck the smaller item beneath the seat as you get into your seat.

      No specific brand recommendations; there’s a wide range of prices for pairs like this depending on where you’re willing to shop (on-line or in person) and whether you prefer a hard or soft-sided bag.

      The main challenge might be a trend I’ve noticed on recent small flights which is that the later boarding groups don’t have space in the overhead and they’ll check your roller bag for free to your destination. Which would normally be nice but if you’re counting on it for moving your other bag I’m not sure what to advise.

    3. Llellayena*

      By “spinner” do you mean a 4-wheeled bag? I have a personal item sized bag that’s a 2-wheeler similar to the 2-wheel regular sized luggage but small enough for under the seat. It’s super easy to slide under the seat because of the wheels and it’s got all the functionality of regular luggage. It is a pull behind you motion rather than a roll next to you so I don’t know if that would aggravate your arthritis.

      1. Just a name*

        It did when it was my checked bag. I have a checked bag and a small carry on spinner, but I rarely use the carry on because it doesn’t hold enough for the length of trips we take. I have a small travel pillow that goes everywhere with me (for sleeping at night) so even tho I can compress it, it takes up room. So when I check my spinner (which is huge) I do have an underseat spinner. Maybe I just need a third bag for a personal item that contains all the stuff I don’t want to pull out of the underseat spinner. TBH I don’t travel light, but I guess my main concern is that I’ll have to drag all that through Croatia next month – airports, taxis, ferries, etc. especially the hilly places. I think I really need a Sherpa. :)

  9. Manders*

    My parents, brother and I are planning to spend one day/night in Asheville, NC in June as we drive through. I’m curious about what might be open and good to visit then. My parents are super excited to visit again, but I don’t think they realize the damage that the hurricane caused, and I’ve never been so I’m not really sure what to advise. My very cursory searches have only come up with pre-Helene lists. Any suggestions would be useful. Thanks!

    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Spouse was there for business a month or so back and it was pretty recovered. I would double check the website of anything you want to go to (which would make sense regardless), but the pre-Helene lists should work.

    2. Blue wall*

      I was there last week, things are open and they are hungry for tourists. If you like to hike now is a great time for hiking.

    4. Not That Kind of French Broad*

      Seconding double-checking websites for specific activities, but a lot of stuff is open again. I live in that area and go into Asheville about once a month. As far as I know the two major things that are still rebuilding are the Blueridge Parkway and the River Arts District. I’m going that way tomorrow if there’s something specific you’d like me to check

    5. KatCardigans*

      Asheville proper reopened pretty quickly; I was there in late November and while there was a lot of devastation in the broader area, most businesses in the city were open even that early. It sounds like your parents have visited before, so if there’s anything they remember enjoying that they might want to do again, you might want to check on those specific things online (especially if anything was in the River Arts District).

      If you’re thinking about doing outdoor activities and there are any asthma sufferers in your group, it might be worth knowing that Western NC has struggled with wildfires this spring because of all the dried-out downed trees from the storm, so it’s possible (but certainly not definite!) that there could be some smokiness.

    6. Corgisandcats*

      I live in Asheville and yes, echoing the other replies that there will be plenty open for your visit and tourism dollars are very appreciated! There are few exceptions, mainly some hiking trails and some of the artist studios in the River Arts district but during the summer there is so many fun events you’ll be fine. The Biltmore is doing a Tutankhamun exhibit currently (haven’t been yet but I have heard good things) plus the gardens and house are gorgeous so that’s always a fun option. I’m happy to answer any questions if I can, enjoy your visit!

    7. Happily Retired*

      Hey, we have running water again and everything!

      Do they like outdoors-y things? They might want to try Asheville Botanical Gardens and the NC Arboretum.

      Biltmore is fascinating (I really enjoy the part of the tour that goes “downstairs” – the kitchens etc where all the real work gets done.) The ticket for the house is really pricey, but I think admission to the grounds is free after (?)5 pm. Nice drive, and the winery is fun. They have special exhibits separately from the House tour.

    8. Manders*

      Thanks everyone for your suggestions and for confirming that it is almost pre-Helene. Giving our tourism dollars was a large reason why I suggested that we stop there for a day on our drive – I drive through a few times a year but have never spent time there and I know it’s awesome. I’m sure we’ll find lots to do in a day!

  10. Not your typical admin*

    Happy Good Friday, Silent Saturday, and Resurrection Sunday to those who celebrate!

  11. Anon57*

    hi! I am looking for a product recommendation. It is currently hard to purchase Avon Moisture Therapy Intensive Healing & Repair Lip Treatment Stick. it’s essentially a very plain, no color or smell, chapstick. I tried Chapstick brand and even the Classic has a smell I didn’t enjoy. Any suggestions for a really basic lip balm that is in stick form? I do not want to dip a finger into a pot of something goopy and need something to smooth and protect chapped lips. Thanks in advance!

    1. KayDee*

      Have you tried Dr Bronner’s Naked Organic Lip Balm? It has zero fragrance that I can detect

      3. TakingNotes*

        Thirding! Recently discovered the Dr Bronner’s Naked and find it hydrates better, lasts longer, and feels less waxy than my old favorite Burt’s Bees.

    2. Silent E*

      I like the Blistex Deep Renewal and Labello brand for exactly those reasons (neutral scent, stick form, no color).

    4. phira*

      Nivea’s moisturizing lip balm is really good. It’s basically the equivalent to Labello and I’ve been using it for years. No big smell, no taste, no color.

      1. Hanani*

        Another vote for Nivea – I like the “smoothness” one because it has SPF but there are several types to choose from.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        Another vote for Nivea. It’s been my go to for years, purchased in both North America and Europe. My lips are super sensitive and it’s never caused any issues for me.

    5. Generic Name*

      I love Burt’s bees lip balm. Has a very subtle mint smell. As someone who is sensitive to scents, it’s not at all overpowering.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        On me, it’s a very strong mint that burns my lips. Just a warning that some people , apparently including me, are very sensitive to it.

    8. The Prettiest Curse*

      It’s a little expensive, but Institut Karite Shea Lip Balm Fragrance Free is great for sensitive skin.

    9. Hyaline*

      Burt’s bees has a wide variety of flavors—I’ve found that the pomegranate barely smells like anything and the vanilla is just generically pleasant.

    10. aceowl*

      I find that the Chaptstick with SPF – it’s blue – has virtually no scent. I don’t like the way the classic smells either.

    11. HamlindigoBlue*

      I was using Aquaphor or Vaseline sticks until I found Blistex Simple and Sensitive. I have only been able to find it online, so I buy 4 sticks at a time.

  12. RMNPgirl*

    Best floss?
    I have to get better at flossing every day because I’m teetering on the edge of periodontal disease and I know I don’t want that.
    My current floss is just the basic kind you can get at Target or similar stores and it doesn’t seem to grab food particles very well. Sometimes I have to go back and forth multiple times to get it to grab the particle and move it out enough for me to get it.
    Does anyone have a recommendation for a really good floss?

    1. captain5xa*

      I use “Dr. Tung’s Smart Floss.” It’s available from Amazon. It is unwaxed and heavy, but it goes in between tight teeth really well. My dentist recommended it and now I won’t use anything else.

      1. A313*

        I second Dr. Tung’s! I really like the cardamom flavor and I feel like it really removes plaque between the teeth. I switched from CocoFloss, which I also liked the flavors of, but Dr. Tung’s feels like it does a better job.

    3. Silent E*

      I like Glide. It comes in different types with varying textures and doesn’t snag on dental work.
      Have you also considered trying a water flosser, like WaterPik, perhaps? That also massages the gums and is very thorough, though not a replacement for regular flossing.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband uses a WaterPik on our dentist’s instructions and it makes a huge difference.

      4. sagewhiz*

        Came here to recommend Glide, too.

        And agree the Waterpik is an excellent addition. Just don’t use the highest flow force, which I did until my dds told me it’s too hard on the gums, especially with any periodontic issues

      5. Citymouse*

        I also like glide because I have some tight teeth.

        A water flosser can help too. I also like to follow up with a mouthwash that contains fluoride (Listerine has one).

      6. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I’m also a Glide fan and prefer tape to the skinny string floss. The wider surface might help.

      7. Almost Academic*

        My dentist doesn’t recommend glide, since it’s coated with teflon to be smoother it does a worse job of actually getting plaque off of teeth/gums.

        I use cocofloss, and as someone with similar concerns to the OP, that has worked really well for me!

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      I really like Reach dental tape–slightly wider than floss proper and much easier to use.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I reallylike this product. I used to buy it all the time at WalMart, but it has become difficult to find in any of the stores in my area. I used to blame COVID, but it doesn’t seem to be regularly stocked any more.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I like Reach brand waxed floss. I also like a Reach brand proxabrushes. They are like tiny bottle brushes that you stick between your teeth to get at the gums. They come in different widths depending on how wide the space is between your teeth.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I use something similar. I have retainer wires behind my front teeth following orthodontic treatment about 10 years ago, so traditional floss is out of the question.

    8. MSD*

      Use a WaterPik then floss with Dr Tung’s Smart Floss and then brush with an electric toothbrush. I found that just flossing wasn’t sufficient. Additional use of WaterPik and electric toothbrush did the trick

    9. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Glide.

      I thought the commercials about the floss not shredding were bizarre, something I had never noticed or been bothered by, and then they sent out little samples. It just makes it that jump easier, more effective, and more pleasant that makes it easy to stick to.

      1. ReallyBadPerson*

        I never knew floss could shredded until I borrowed some Cocofloss from my daughter. I’m sticking with Glide.

    10. Mia*

      My dental hygienist recently recommended Burst floss after I was having similar issues. I was using Glide which she said was too slippery and Burst is more grippy? I haven’t been using it too long yet but so far it seems good

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I get the plastic handle one, similar to what dentists use, just the store brand.
      Also got myself the electric water pick, because I have very tight back teeth and just flossing does not get all the food out.

    12. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I use Glide. I have very tight teeth and it’s the only one that doesn’t fray for me.

    14. Shiny Penny*

      It came out recently that many brands of dental floss are now known to be coated in PFAS chemicals. So that might be a point to research.
      Consumer Reports did a thing on it.

    15. ronda*

      try interdental brushes. TePe has a package of 8 different sizes, so you can test which fit your teeth.

      they also have an implant and bridges floss that is kind of fluffy. you pull it thru rather than sliding down between the teeth and is for bigger spaces.

    16. Lady Danbury*

      Oral B Essential Floss is my hg. Some of my back molars are pretty tight and I’ve had issues with other flosses either not being able to get in there or getting shredded. OBEF does the job right but is still gentle on the gums. Depending on your teeth/gums, an interdental cleaner may also be helpful. I use Dentek Advanced Clean interdental cleaners between the tighter teeth before flossing and they make a huge difference with those stubborn food particles.

    17. Guin*

      Glide is what I use but there are other brands. You want wider, sometimes called Tape, and the synthetic/goretex (?) variety.

    18. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      I also recommend a water pik. It’s completely different from brushing or flossing. Your mouth feels incredible, and the soreness in my gums felt went away after a week or so of using it.

      (I use Oral-B essential floss).

  13. amago*

    I recommend cocofloss! It is more expensive than the usual, but so satisfying and easy to use. They sell refills too!

  14. goddessoftransitory*

    Here’s Light Question of the week: What’s the most impulsive thing or favor you’ve volunteered to do?

    My downstairs neighbor is going out of town for ten days next month to see his family in Peru, and asked me to walk and feed his doggie, Oslo. I love Oslo so of course said I would, but am realizing this is going to basically be my whole exercise routine for those ten days (two walks a day) and that it’s a commitment. I’m totally going to it, of course! But I haven’t actually taken care of a dog since I was a kid and am going to be picking up poops and all that and man, what did I get myself into?

    What did you merrily agree to only to realize later it might be More Than You Thought?

    1. Yikes Stripes*

      I had a dear friend moving from Wisconsin to Ohio with one of *her* dear friends (who I’d never met) and I jokingly told her that if they needed someone to drive the U-Haul to let me know.

      Three months later I got a phone call asking if I was serious and a month after that I drove a 26 foot U-Haul across four states. The largest thing I’d ever driven up to that point was a 14 foot U-Haul and I have to say that driving the 26 footer through construction outside of Chicago at 10:30 at night in the rain was possibly the most terrifying thing I’ve done to date, but hey! I did the thing! And now I have two dear friends and a place to stay in Columbus. :)

      1. Yikes Stripes*

        EDIT: sorry, I just checked and in fact the largest thing I’d driven at that point was a *ten* foot U-Haul, not a fourteen foot one.

        1. juneybug*

          OMG, you made me stress sweat just thinking about driving that big rig in the dark and stormy weather! What an awesome friend you are!!

          1. Yikes Stripes*

            Thank you! I’m still very proud of myself for not freaking out during that part of the drive, even if my whole body did ache from tension and white knuckling for that bit.

            Weirdly, it’s the second time I’ve helped move someone across several states to Columbus, but the first time was nowhere near the level of “holy shit I’m gonna die in a traffic accident in the outskirts of Chicago.”

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Catsitting for 10 days for someone who lived in Lower Manhattan when I lived in the middle of Queens. Reader, at that period of slow subways, it sometimes took 4 hours a day — an hour and a half there on the subway, an hour and a half back on the subway, and an hour cuddling with and taking care of the cat. I am so stupid that I agreed to this more than once. Loved the cat, but dude, get a catsitter who lives close by!

      1. juneybug*

        Years ago, I was babysitting a (former) friend’s two school age kids for few hours. First it was few hours in the afternoon one day a week after her kids got off the bus, then two days, then it became three days with her wanting to stop by the store for a few items on her way home. I went from 2 hours to 10 hours each week. She had one month left for her college classes so I hung in there. And being an older, kids out of the house, full-time college student, I understood how daycare is so important.
        Then she starts hinting about needing all day care (two days a week) for her kids so she could attend summer college classes. Plus, she recently had added to the mix with two not-litter box trained cats and an unruly dog. Her hubby was super lazy so he had not fixed the fence so the dog had to be on a leash whenever he went out.
        At the last minute, she moved 25 minutes away which allowed me to slowly fade the relationship (or should I call free day-care?) out of the picture. I learned so much from that one-sided relationship (I am a school of hard knocks graduate).
        I found out later for the reason of the quick move to the next town over because her landlord kicked her out after her dog attacked the neighbor’s dog (both dogs were ok but they required stitches). Former friend refused to pay the vet bill for the other dog. Which normally landlords might not get involved but it was the landlord’s adult daughter living next door to the rental!
        Moral of the story – Now I ask so many questions before I say yes to anything. And if I say no, I don’t feel guilty.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Good for you for permitting yourself to say NO, and also, I hope you could now back out of a commitment that turned out to be way more than you thought you were agreeing to, which is just as important, because as you experienced, a manageable commitment can morph into something you never would have agreed to.

    3. Potato Potato*

      That’s a good question! I’m so bad with impulsive favors.

      The biggest one might be the time I flew several hours to help my sister move. She hadn’t even started packing when I got there!

      The most recent one was dogsitting a 60lb puppy for a week when I don’t even know what to do with a calm dog. She was well-behaved, but it was a *lot*. My cats weren’t too happy about that one either. Towards the end of her stay, one cat realized that he could bully the dog and that was a whole other problem.

      And one favor that I’m so glad my friend canceled on- I volunteered to wingman my socially awkward friend at a nerdy dating event recently. I don’t know my Star Trek from my Star Wars, and I wasn’t looking forward to being a flamboyant queer man in a setting with all that male nerd posturing for women’s attention.

    4. Banana Pyjamas*

      We agreed to move in a day-and-a half with less than a week’s notice. We’re only about halfway organized, but it was worth it.

    5. allathian*

      When my husband and I started dating, he lived in another city for work, although he’d travel to see his family and most of his friends almost every weekend even before we met.

      One weekend he persuaded me to help one of his friends move his girlfriend into his apartment. I accepted because at least I’d get to see him. I barely knew my husband’s friend, it was the second or third time that I’d met the girlfriend who continuously fought with her mom who insisted on “halping” and was horrible to everyone including me, a total stranger.

      The girlfriend was very beautiful but her relationships didn’t last because nobody with any sense would want to deal with her horrible mom. And when they broke up a few months later, I told my now-husband he was welcome to help her move out but I wouldn’t. My husband’s friend told her ex that he’d help carry her stuff out of his apartment just to get rid of it but that she was on her own after that.

  15. Educational Anonymous*

    Has anyone loaned money through KIVA? If so, how is or was your experience?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have. It was fine, everyone I loaned to paid back on time. I used to do it monthly but fell out of the habit a while ago for no particular reason.

    2. Elephant raccoon*

      I used to loan through them and had good experiences BUT please read up on the current controversy surrounding their new model which appears to be more profit-focused and less about actually helping people who need it. You might still decide to loan through them, but they are trading off the reputation they built years ago which is no longer their actual business model. (And much as they play up your “choice” of loans, it was never actually the case that your money went directly to the borrowers you chose; that was just a gimmick to make it feel more personal.)

      1. Bonkers*

        I loan through Kiva every month, and have for a long time! I’m so sad to hear about this! Can you point me to any good sources to read up about this?

    3. Hyaline*

      If you google for kiva loan controversy, an early link should be for an article from the MIT tech review. It explains the situation pretty well.

      1. Educational Anonymous*

        Thank you for that article. It was enlightening. I won’t be dealing with Kiva.

    4. Pam Adams*

      Have done it for years. I no longer donate monthly, but keep the money that’s there circulating.

      I didn’t like the US loans- being able to give $25 to someone asking for $750 felt better to me than giving $25 to someone asking for $10,000.

      I currently donate regularly to DonorsChoose, and it gives me the same feeling of a small dollar amount making a big difference.

      1. Retailnomore*

        I also give to donors shoes – I’ve supported several classrooms over the years with necessary items and it’s a lot more helpful. IMHO

    5. Dontbeadork*

      I’ve been a lender since September of 2007. Not monthly, but steadily. My experience has been mostly positive, but the controversy is making me think that I should be pulling my money back out as it gets repaid.

      I did have some defaults, but of the nearly $3500 I’ve lent through the years, I’ve only lost under $150. Not bad, when you consider I’ve made around 135 loans of $25 (on average; I know I did lend more a couple of times). Most of that was defaults, but I did take a couple of tiny hits on currency loss.

  16. Just a Pile of Oranges*

    Well, we got Kidney Disease Kitty to drink more water by putting cereal bowls of water in various parts of the living room. He won’t go near his original bowl at all no matter what, for whatever reason.

    He also won’t eat wet food period. He won’t eat the prescription stuff, he won’t eat regular stuff, he won’t eat it at any temperature or with or without Fortiflora. He’s just flat out refusing anything that isn’t kibble. He does seem to like the prescription kibble at least.

    So obviously I’m worried about his dehydration and stuff, but he seems OK? He’s bright eyed and energetic. I think his joints are a bit stiff but he is 15 already.

    I just don’t know what to do to make his old age more comfortable.

    1. Educational Anonymous*

      Warmth, I would think; older bones seem to benefit from warmth. A heated cat bed? It ight be a crazy (and unworkable) idea, but can you heat up his kibble in the microwave?

      1. Seamyst*

        Seconding the warmth recommendation. My elderly male cat is fading away fast, but he loves curling up in a cozy little plush cave I got him. Bonus points for putting it in the path of a sunbeam!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Definitely warmth. During Peanut’s last months he spent all his time on a reflecting heat mat I bought him.

    2. Yikes Stripes*

      Oh gosh, okay, so I lost my 15 year old girl to CKD last year and these are the things I did for her for the last 6 months:

      1. water bowls everywhere, just like you.
      2. she fortunately liked wet food, but refused to eat the prescription stuff. I made the executive decision at four months in that I wanted her to have quality of life over quantity of life, and she got fish food every single day.
      3. I basically made her fish broth and she loved it. you could probably do this with any kind of meat if your boy will take it.
      4. she had arthritis and we started her on Solensia, which was a goddamn miracle and well worth the $102 a month. she was clearly in a lot less pain and was able to jump up on the bed again.
      5. as time went on, we started her on gabapentin and then upped the dose as she started feeling a little more pain.
      6. we got her a squishmallow bed and she loved it so damn much – it’s soft and plushy and she curled up in it and would snooze in the sun happy as a clam.

      The second biggest thing I can recommend is constantly evaluating his quality of life. I did a weekly check in with my mom about Cassie’s behavior and mood over the last 7 days and then made notes about it, and it was hard and heartbreaking to document her deterioration like that, but it really helped me realize when it was time to let her go.

      And the single biggest thing I can recommend is finding a vet to come to your home at the end. I’m sorry, I know, it’s not something you want to think about at all, but it made such a world of difference for us and for her to not have to get her into a crate and take her to the vet.

      Also, if you haven’t found Tanya’s comprehensive guide to feline chronic kidney disease, it’s a very helpful if occasionally very stressful website that covers literally everything you can possibly think of on the topic.

    3. MSD*

      Some suggestions based on what my weird cat likes. He prefers to drink out of a quarter measuring cup. Ignores his large bowl for the tiny cup. He also likes a couple of drops of coconut milk in his water. Try using wide flat shallow bowls. Some cats don’t like their whiskers to be pressed against the sides of a bowl. It’s actually a thing – whisker fatigue.

    4. mreasy*

      My kidney cat thrived on a supplement called Aminavast that my vet recommended. It isn’t cheap, but when on it her kidney values stabilized and even improved, when generally they would be expected to decline.

      I’ve had luck adding water to kibble, as counterintuitive as that seems!

    5. Hypatia*

      Do you have cat fountain for water? My aged cat started drinking more water when I got her the one. Many cats prefer moving water. And,I think it was easier for her to drink – she didn’t need to lean down to get to the surface.

      1. Songbird121*

        Our kidney cat also was much happier with a cat fountain. I couldn’t find the exact one that we got but it was similar to the PetSafe Creekside Ceramic Pet Fountain. He would sometimes drink from the top, and sometimes from the basin at the bottom. We picked this one because it didn’t have an actual fountain spout, it just kept the water moving. One thing we did figure out is that we needed to take the entire thing apart and scrub it about every two weeks. But it was just like washing any other dish so it wasn’t that much of a thing.

    6. an academic librarian*

      I used a product called Hydra Care for my last cat when he got very sick and wouldn’t drink water – it’s thicker than water but still hydrating, and I think has extra nutrients and flavor too. I think the thickness makes it easier for cats to drink than water. I was really surprised how much he had when he wasn’t eating or drinking much else. Good luck!

    7. sb51*

      Heated cat bed, and if he does end up needing subcutaneous fluids it’s really not that hard; cats aren’t thrilled with it but usually will freeze rather than fight, even if they’re fight-y for nail clippings etc. And it does make them feel better.

      1. Yikes Stripes*

        Yeah, we only did SQ fluids for a week or so, but it did get easier for us every time. I wish we’d started earlier because it definitely did help.

        ALSO: we had to put our girlie on a low dose of Miralax to help her poop – apparently constipation is really common with CKD kitties.

    9. A313*

      Does your cat like the Churu treats? I squeeze it into a bowl and add water, and both cats love it. And if it comes to needing to give subq fluids, as sb51 said, it becomes a routine after a bit. One of my friend’s cats would even remind her when it was time for her fluids.

    10. Charley*

      Will he still eat the kibble if you moisten it with a little water? I did that for my cat to up his hydration when he was having bladder issues, and he didn’t seem to mind.

      1. skadhu*

        We have a cat with urinary tract issues who LOVES what is effectively kibble soup—kibble and quite a lot of water.

    11. Not A Manager*

      Have you tried different temperature hydration techniques? I’d see if the cat responds to ice cream or chilled jellied chicken broth. If he does, then you can rig up something similar that omits unhealthy ingredients such as salt and sugar. You can easily make your own jellied chicken or fish broth, for example, by using cuts that contain bones and connective tissue.

      Seconding the heated cat bed and the cat fountain.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Would you consider making him food? We feed our best kitty homemade. I simmer skinless salmon in a bit of water and when it’s almost done, I add scrambled eggs and simmer until done and chop it up a bit. Then I also simmer boneless skinless chicken thighs and 80% ground beef in about 1/2″ of water and roughly shop that up too. So she gets about half a kitty dish of each twice a day.
      Yes! She’s very very spoiled…..

    13. Flower*

      Brother’s very old cat has arthritis and a prescription from the vet has been a game changer. She’s now jumping up on the bed again, and even climbed the cat condo, which she hasn’t done in years.

    14. Dontbeadork*

      My old fellow (soon to be 18) is inordinately fond of the heated beds we have scattered through the house. A couple of the other cats like ONE of the beds, but not all. I have no idea why.

      Does your old guy like the tubes of treat like churus or squeeze-ups? Maybe you could mix that in with his kibble to add just a bit more moisture.

      It sounds like all your water bowls are still water. You might try a kitty fountain. You can get ones that just gently flow or you can get actual falling water fountain types. Again, we have a lot of those of various types. (Also some bowls of still water — one of ours likes to stand in it and splash a bit before drinking, no I have no clue why.)

    15. Retailnomore*

      Agree with heating up his food, but also trying Meat-based baby food mixed in with a little bit of wet food. That worked for our kidney kitty for a long time.

  18. Raia*

    Hydroponics! Trying to figure out how to grow my own food, probably tomatoes or lettuce completely indoors and there is so much information on different methods but yet feels like not enough on what the concentrations of plant food to water should be. Do y’all have any experience with this, have good resources, and/or opinions on the easiest way to start?

    1. GoryDetails*

      What quantities are you talking about? For relatively small quantities of fresh greens, I’d recommend starting with a self-contained unit – I’ve used Aerogarden for years, very happily. Their seed kits for varities of greens are good, and you can get kits that will take your own seeds if you have preferred varieties. Small footprint, built-in lighting and water-aeration – a very easy way to start out.

      If you want larger quantities – and if you want full-sized tomatoes rather than the dwarf varieties provided for Aerogarden and the like – this might not meet your needs. Good luck!

    2. Professor Plum*

      I’ve become an indoor gardener with aerogardens over the last 12-18 months. All kinds of greens and herbs—ready to try tomatoes—just haven’t done it yet. I’ve found helpful info from a Facebook groups called “Aerogarden, Kratky and Gardening Fanatics.”

      I’ve gotten almost all of my aerogardens used—thrift stores and marketplace—with the best price on one today of $5.99. I’d say the average I’ve paid is about $20 for an aerogarden Harvest (6 pods). They need a good cleaning but it’s relatively easy with vinegar or citric acid.

      I now have a set of shelves in my kitchen with about a dozen gardens—I’m still working out the timing so that I’ll always have plants ready to harvest. Love cutting fresh greens and herbs every day for my eggs and salads.

      The number of pod spaces does not mean you can always grow that many plants at once. The rules of thumb for flowering plants like tomatoes us one plant per every 3 holes, lettuce and herbs can often be planted in every pod.

  19. Six Feldspar*

    Thanks to everyone who chimed in on my question about real estate agents vs valuers last week, I got caught up in the weekend and didn’t get to comment.

    This week, does anyone feel like a virtual chore swap? I’d be happy to do dishes for everyone if it means somebody else cleans the shower…

    1. Maryn*

      I’m so weird: I’d rather clean the shower than the kitchen. But let’s negotiate. Our vacuum weighs a ton–would you do the family room if I get the shower?

      1. Yikes Stripes*

        I’ll get your family room if you’ll come do the mirrors in our bathrooms – I’m so short I have to climb up on the counter to do it and I hate it enough that our mirrors are always spotty.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I just spent hours over the last 3 days scrubbing 40 years of soap scum off of a bathtub. I will also trade other chores to never, ever have to scrub another tub.

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      Just in case you do end up getting stuck cleaning the shower, I recommend getting a power scrubber. I bought one of those for my shower and it’s a game changer. I no longer have to bend over to scrub and that’s so much easier on my back. I can clean it on a more regular basis versus cleaning it when I really need to because I don’t want to have a backache.

  20. Working under my down comforter*

    We’re cooking a Cornish game hen tonight (can’t find turkey for Easter and we’re not big on ham). I bought only one and I can’t find a recipe for cooking a single hen. Need help!

    1. Laggy Lu*

      I did hens last year! Serious Eats has a good method – let me see if I can find what I did.

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      For any fowl that isn’t stuffed: 45 minutes + 7 minutes a pound. Don’t baste it or anything else. I usually stick some rosemary and citrus in the cavity of the bird.

    3. Upside down Question Mark*

      you might be the first person I ever heard search for a turkey for Easter???

  21. Bonkers*

    Someone please tell me that parenting gets better. I have a 5, 3, and 1 y/o. The 5 y/o is gifted and has the biggest feelings and is just A Lot All The Time. On days like today, where I’ve already dealt with a bad dream at 2am and a tantrum a 6:30am, I’m just super over it. I’m jealous of the parents with (relatively) compliant, easy-going kids. But I feel so guilty about those feelings.

    1. Mia*

      No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed – sounds like a rough start to the weekend. I have 3 as well, and a big feeling oldest but with a 7 year gap between 1 and 3. The things that help me most are 1. not expecting kids to always be behaving and 2. making sure I’m also doing things I enjoy both with and without my kids. I get most unhappy when it just feels like I’m trying to get my kids to do something instead of having time to just enjoy spending time with them. But also, sometimes I feel just the same as you do, and it feels crappy and then it goes away, so I try to remember it’s temporary.

      Also, your kids are young! My youngest is not quite 3 and just not having to watch him all the time makes things easier. And once kids are older, they’ll be out at sleepovers and playdates and having only 1 or 2 kids around feels so breezy.

    2. Seashell*

      A lot of problems come in phases, and the phases will end. Your kid may always be a lot, but eventually they’ll be mature enough not to tantrum or will be complaining to friends.

      This too shall pass.

    3. Pickles*

      It will slowly get a little better until tween years and then you will miss when the tough part was simple and low stakes. Sorry

      1. Hyaline*

        Or, you know….not. I feel like the tween/early teen years are a breeze compared to the toddler and infant years. I think this is part of the thing–every kid is different, but every PARENT is also different. We’re all equipped differently to deal with challenges; some of us deal better with the little kid challenges and some of us have more natural or acquired tools for the older kid challenges. We talk about not comparing our kids to other KIDS a lot, but it’s also IMO important to remember that every parent has their strengths and their challenges.

      2. Emma*

        Eh, my dental hygienist, who has a 17 and 14 year old, told me that the teen years have been her favorite.

      3. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I absolutely loved having a teen – it was my favorite part of parenting a kid at home (I also adore the relationship I have with my now 25-yo, but she doesn’t live here).

        For me it got steadily better. I was not a great toddler parent especially for my physically active kid who didn’t really want to play pretend anything. She slept well, for which I will always be grateful – but she slept well only if she went to bed at the right time in a dark room and she needed nap on the weekends until she was six, so weekend outings and travel were not a thing. The older and more verbal she got, the happier I was. She also got more flexible about sleep and food.

        I’d got back in a minute to her HS years. Not preschool. Not even a little bit.

    4. Generic Name*

      My son is 18, and I promise you, it gets better. He was a very high needs baby and was very challenging in his preschool years and into elementary school. I won’t go into details of what changed, because they are unique to our family, but he is currently a delightful young man, and I love spending time with him. I totally get the jealousy. I marveled at children who just….did what adults asked. I chaperoned every single field trip because of my son’s behavior. First grade, I was chaperoning a group of 3 kids at the zoo, including my son. I remember saying, “Ok kids, let’s walk over to the next exhibit” and I remember being shocked when the other 2 kids said “ok!” And walked with me. My own child screamed “no!!!” And I had to coax him to follow. It was exhausting. And I only had one. You have 3! No wonder you’re over it. It does get better. Hang in there!

      1. Bonkers*

        Thank you for this comment. I appreciate all of them, but yours hit closest to home. It’s nice to say that “all kids are hard in their own way”, but this kid is just Hard All The Time In All The Ways. Your zoo story summarizes my kid well. And I do believe that one day she will be a fun and interesting young adult. If she doesn’t kill me first.

        But we spent a ton for time outside today, socialized with our neighbors, and it all actually turned out pretty well. Thank you (all) for the encouragement.

        1. I heart Paul Buchman*

          I have 4 kids and remember the early years as the hardest by far. Sleep deprivation just finishes me. My youngest was like this. Every single thing was just hard with him. He didn’t sleep, eat, or leave the house easily. Around age 8, we saw a big shift, and now (11) he’s my ‘easiest’ child. He’s still a homebody, and his food and sleep routines are fragile, but he manages these things really well for himself. We’ve settled into each other and I can see he’s going to be ok in life. When I read your question I just wanted to tell you that you will all be OK and every stage passes. xx

      2. allathian*

        The vast majority of kids show their worst behavior to their parents because they can trust that their parents won’t abandon them no matter what (if they can’t trust that, the parents are doing something wrong). Those two kids who said Ok to you might not have done so to their own parents, even if they were more easygoing than your kid was.

        I got along well with my parents and I never had a rebellious phase as a teen, unless you count the 4 months or so when I didn’t want to be seen with my parents in public when I was 14.

        My son who’s nearly 16 is similarly easygoing and we haven’t had any huge fights yet.

        He’s a great kid doing well in school, fairly self-motivated and easygoing. He has friends he likes to hang out with but he also seems to enjoy our company again. When he was 14 there was a period when he’d only respond in monosyllables, but that only lasted a few months. If that was his sulky teen phase, we got off easy.

        I’ve loved my kid at every age, but I find parenting my teenager much more rewarding than it was when he was younger.

        Kids are different and parents are different, but it makes me unhappy when parents with younger kids say something about how difficult it is to parent young kids, and parents with teenagers or empty-nesters reply with something like “just wait until they’re teens…” Parenting a teen doesn’t have to be awful.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I was a huge pain at times to my parents — some violent temper tantrums, destroying their property — to the point where they got me in therapy (which didn’t do much, but since I got to play games, I enjoyed it). They were pretty patient, all things considered, and I eventually just kind of grew out of it. Why was I such a pain? I matured early, which meant that I had my big dramatic teen hormones at a younger age, and my parents were also trying not to squelch my spirit as their parents had squelched theirs, which meant that they did have to face a certain amount of bad behavior from me. But they kept loving me and trying to explain things to me calmly, and I am happy to say that I became a pretty awesome teenager and adult!

      I know it’s a long time to when your kids are teens, but hang in there! The love and patience you give them now, along with the good behavior that you model for them, will, knock wood, be repaid by your having well-adjusted, secure, and kind teenagers who feel comfortable coming to you when they have a problem.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        P.S. I agree with Mia about taking time for yourself. My parents did not make parenting me their entire identity; they focused a lot on their own lives as well, and they were wise about picking their battles. If I wasn’t hurting myself or others by doing something, they just let me do it for the most part. If something I did was problematic, instead of yelling at me, they explained why it was a bad idea. They also let me experience the natural consequences of my actions instead of nagging me all the time. Don’t want to practice piano? Okay, we’re not going to make you. Screwing up my recital before a large audience was a great lesson to learn.

      2. Generic Name*

        I always appreciate hearing adult’s perspectives on why they were difficult children. My 18 year old recently said that he was an angry, angry child. He was referring to the meltdowns he used to have in elementary school where he’d get suspended after throwing chairs. Yeah…. As I said, he’s delightful now (going to college in the fall), but those years were rough.

        1. Yikes Stripes*

          Yeah, therapy helped me recognize that the reason I was occasionally an incredibly difficult kid was I was an isolated and lonely child of alcoholic introverts and did a shit ton of caregiving for my parents at way to young an age. The only way I could reliably get attention and caregiving for myself was by having an occasional meltdown.

          It was incredibly rough at the time, but I do think I’ve grown into a much more compassionate adult thank I might otherwise be because of it.

        2. Nightengale*

          a lot of why I was “difficult” can now be summed up by “autism”- and some other also unrecognized disabilities. Ironically I actually brought a medical encyclopedia entry about autism to my mother when I was about 10 and said that it sounded just like me except for the language part. But that was the 1980s

          refusing to wear jeans and other clothing – sensory issues (autism)
          refusing to go to movies – anxiety/autism
          never wanting to go on vacation or anywhere else, just read – autism
          didn’t do schoolwork – neurological problems affecting handwriting plus bored (arguably also autism)
          social problems – autism
          selective eating – autism

    6. Rogue Slime Mold*

      The compliant, easy-going kids are just lulling their parents into a false sense of security before hitting a new phase.

      Also will say: My kids are in their 20s, child A called me to chat Thursday (usually calls while walking the dog on her work from home day), child B called me to chat last night (usually calls while walking home from work), and it is just awesome to have launched these great people who want to have a relationship with me. So it gets better! They eventually become much more reasonable, with skills to cope with feeling mad at the cereal at 6:30 am.

    7. Hypatia*

      Oh, gosh, some days are so hard. You are in the trenches with a bunch if little ones – the physical demands and emotional labor can be overwhelming at times. You could have 5 yr old take their big feelings to another room until they’re able to express them without so much drama ( or until they get over it and start playing with their Legos).
      Also get the kids physically active outside ( even if its just messing around with balls or stacking stones) – helps where them out and improves their moods.
      M ake sure you find time for yourself, whether its a hobby or club, or exercise. I worked part-time when my kids were little, and it was a great way for me to get out of the house and do something I enjoy.
      And some things really do get easier when they kids are more independent and able to manage more of their daily living on their own. ( I taught my kids to take showers at a young age- I got so tired of giving baths!!) Figure out what the 5 yr old and 3 yr old might like to take on and turn over to them. Kids at those ages love doing chores and being helpers.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree that it’s a great idea to give kids more responsibilities when they are able to handle them. My folks let me shower on my own from about the time I was 4 or 5 too (though I guess you have to make sure the water temperature isn’t suddenly going to go too hot in your house when you do that.)

        And my mom had me doing my own laundry from the time I was 7 or so. Sure, I shrunk some stuff and accidentally dyed some stuff pink at first, but I got the hang of it eventually, and it was one less thing she had to worry about.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I did my own laundry from about fourth grade on, and had my own checking account (allowance went in there.) Those skills, plus being forced to learn to type (on manual typewriters!) were invaluable once I hit college. I saw so many young adults there who had literally never used a washer/dryer or handled money in any meaningful way get into some messes that could have been avoided.

          1. Songbird121*

            I had similar expereinces. In our house we started being completely responsible for our own laundry at 13. Had an assigned night each week we were responsible for dinner. Could ask for help, but in a “I need help with this particular stain” or “I don’t know how to do this cooking technique yet” rather than “help me do everything involved in this task.” I’m sure my parents ate some quistionable meals over the years. And likely the same things over and over. I definitely went to practice in a dirty uniform more than once. But I’m glad I learned those skills. I taught so many people how to cook and do laundry in college.

        2. Rogue Slime Mold*

          “Taller than a Grandma Martha” was our standard for handling your own laundry. (Martha was 5′.)

    8. A*

      I sympathize greatly. My kids are slightly older (10 & 7) and the age gap you have right now sounds difficult. I have two main thoughts:

      (1) the impulse to be jealous of other parents is really high. This is a very human thought. I would really work on lancing this to the extent possible because as kids get older parenting can get more competitive if you let it. This is because the benchmarks used for kids are stricter and public. All star teams, high ability classes, there are a lot of occasions where kids are sorted and that is a breeding ground for jealously. In my personal experience, things got real in 3rd grade.

      (2) I’ve found the younger years to be physically exhausting and the older years to be emotionally exhausting. I get more 8 hour consecutive nights of sleep now than I did 3 years ago. But the emotional aspect of parenting is higher. So there is always a trade off, I’ve found.

      To get to bedtime today, though: get outside. Do anything outside. Anything at all. Outside, fresh air, activity, it will help everybody even if you don’t want to fight over shoes before you leave.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And those things you’re jealous of? Dollars to doughnuts says those parents spend time worrying about exactly those “issues” with their kids!

        I was a dream kid in many ways growing up–quiet bookworm who didn’t roughhouse much (oh, my sister and I got in some fights, don’t get me wrong) while my sister was much more social and outgoing. I was astounded to learn as an adult that my parents were worried about how I wasn’t “enjoying my youth.” I rolled my eyes and thought you really wanted TWO kids out there partying?

    9. Irish Teacher.*

      Not sure if this will help or not, but just wanted to say that while it is true that some kids are more challenging than others, I also think all children (heck, all people come with their own challenges) and you never see all of what is going on in anybody’s life.

      My nephew is a very compliant easy-going child. He’s now almost seven and I think only once did I see him get upset at being told no and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him angry. (It’s hilarious in a way because his mother was just the opposite; she seemed to spend the first 30 years of her life permanently dissatisfied and most of the photos of our early childhood show her sulking and pouting.) But he is also very high-energy and while he’s a great kid, he is exhausting to be around. He’s on the go 24/7. Always good-naturedly, always smiling and friendly and polite but constantly wanting to play and not at all the type of child to just sit with a book or watching TV.

      And then there are some quiet, well-behaved, compliant children who are so because they are very anxious or who become targets for bullies, sometimes because they seem like easy targets, sometimes because the other kids fear they’ll be tell-tales or sometimes just because the other kids are jealous of how they seem to do everything right.

      That’s not to say your feelings are in any way unreasonable or invalid because they are not and they are definitely not anything to feel guilty about. Those are very natural feelings.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Yes, it gets easier!

      Or, rather, the hard parts get more abstract. They sleep. They can do more for themselves. They can self-regulate better.

      And this may just be me, but it always seemed like even numbered ages (2, 4, 6) are calmer than odd years. Even 15 & 17 were more chaotic than 16 & 18.

      1. Hypatia*

        I read somewhere that for little kids, every six months there’s a shift. 6 hard months, as they learn new skills and awareness, then 6 easy months, and that is really how my kids were.

        1. Silent E*

          There’s a chart like that in the book series _Your [Child’s Age]_ by Ames and Ilg. (So, _Your Three-Year-Old_, for example.) That chart really helped me both put into perspective what I was seeing in my own child, and to help me prepare for what was most likely to come in the immediate future. I highly recommend the series, if only for an overview of what various ages could possibly entail, development-wise. My child’s pediatrician had recommended it.

    11. Silent E*

      I can relate so much to what you wrote and most of the replies so far! (My child is now nearing 20 y.o.) I was also so jealous of parents whose children seemed so much more easy-going than mine, and especially of the ones whose children actually slept for even a bit of the night. Now that mine is mostly grown (and sleeping well), I can tell you from experience that those other parents also had – and have still – their own challenges with their kids. But please do not beat yourself up for feeling jealous, especially when you are in the thick of it with your own kids – it’s human nature! Everyone else’s life looks so much easier/charmed/ideal, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.
      Would you consider getting a “mother’s helper” for a couple of days? That’s often a neighbor tween who plays with the kids while you are home, often for a lower rate than a babysitter (since you’re still home). It can take some of the pressure off of you and give you a few minutes to breathe, it gives your kids a fresh person for a change, and gives your neighbor child some babysitting experience with guidance. If it goes well, you have a babysitter in the wings!
      Yes, get outside when you can, if even for 20 minutes, even if all your kids do is examine some blades of grass, pick up some sticks or stones, or jump in a puddle. Do you have access to a sandbox? For some reason, that was really soothing to my kiddo when dealing with Big Feelings. If you’re stuck inside, some water play in a sink or the bathtub, or kinetic sand for the older ones can be calming.
      It does get easier – and harder – as they get older. I agree completely with the commenter who says it gets more emotionally challenging and less physically exhausting. But you will also have more parenting experience by then, which definitely helps!

    12. My Brain is Exploding*

      It IS A Lot All The Time. I remember telling myself things like “It’s just a phase,” and “this, too, shall pass,” and being terribly jealous of my friend who lived by her parents and they watched the kids every Saturday night!! Your feelings are…what they are! Please do not feel guilty about your FEELINGS.

    13. Emma*

      I have a sensitive kid, and 6 seemed so much better than 5. Fewer tantrums, more emotional stability, just overall calmer. I hope it’s the same for you!

    14. Black Horse*

      Oh my goodness yes it gets easier–you’re right in the thick of it! I personally found they just got easier as they got older. Yes, there were big things to handle in middle school, and some crap to deal with as teens, but at least by then they slept through the night, and could feed themselves and do their own darn laundry. And mine at least were wonderful as teens, even my youngest who was also gifted and A Lot All The Time (turns out she’s got ADHD, which explains a lot, and was also just prone to expressing every single thing in her head/heart). Please don’t feel bad about wishing things were easier. Parenting littles is HARD.

    15. Little Miss Helpful*

      It IS a lot. I think I cried every day of my 30’s. I remember a book about parenting young children (never read the book itself) called All Joy and No Fun.

  22. WellRed*

    I have new terms on my student loan, reducing payments by about $50 a month(otherwise they were going to increase by $400). Would you use that measly $50 each month to apply to the principal of that loan or add it to a monthly credit card payment. I’m tired of debt would like to knock it down a bit faster. The SL has a much lower interest rate but I don’t see an end in sight whereas the credit cards I do.

    2. Gyne*

      I’d pay off the higher interest debts as aggressively as I can, then move on to the lower interest debts.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes. As you pay off each one, move the money you used for that debt over to paying the next one down even faster. You can exponentially wipe out debts that way, while getting used to a budget. Then, when you’re paid off, you have a lot more money available to save and use!

    3. A*

      A consideration is that credit cards are dischargeable in bankruptcy and student loans are not.

      I would probably put the $50 to create or pad an emergency fund so you don’t use the credit cards in a pinch and create less principle.

    4. Qwerty*

      I’d apply it to the credit card since it is the highest interest rate AND sounds faster to pay it off completely. Do a happy dance and celebrate when that milestone is achieved! Once the credit card debt is removed, you’ll be able to redirect your monthly loan repayment on the credit card towards your student loan principal, continuing the snowball effect.

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      I would pay the smallest debt first. This will help you see the progress. As you pay off each of the smaller loans, apply what the minimum payment was to the next one, and so on. So by the time you get to the student loans you will have more money to put toward them. (This is sometimes called the snowball method. You may have heard of this from Dave Ramsey but he is not the only one who advocates it.) Good luck!

      1. SolarPowered*

        I agree with this one, smallest debt with highest interest, then move on to the others.

    6. Alex*

      Credit card for sure, unless, as someone said, there’s a possibility in the near future of declaring bankruptcy.

    7. Llellayena*

      Are the student loans income based and will be forgiven at the end of a term or are they full payoff? There’s no point in overpaying if they’ll eventually be forgiven, but otherwise it’s good to throw the extra money at the student loans. If there’s a way to clear those early it’s one less payment to worry about.

  23. Bibliovore*

    Travel recommendations.
    I am being brave and signed up for a writing/ meditation retreat at the end of August in Normandy.
    My tentative plans are to fly into Paris (there is a direct flight) Stay in Paris three nights at least then take the train to Normandy.
    My hopes and dreams are that I acclimate to the time change and the body damage from travel in Paris- not go crazy, maybe book a massage so as to be ready for the retreat.
    Anyone have a hotel or recommendations of where to stay in Paris?
    Restaurants cafes etc for the solo diner?
    Spa?
    What to watch out for?
    Anxious but excited.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Sounds marvelous!

      It’s many years since I visited Paris – spent a solo week there and loved it. My hotel was the Hôtel Aiglon on the Boulevard Raspail, which was a very good fit for me: my room (very tiny) overlooked Montparnasse Cemetery, the hotel’s not far from a Metro station, and the catacombs were pretty close as well. (My visit was largely cemetery-based {wry grin}.) I found plenty of cafes that were fine for solo dining, and did splurge on one lunch at the Tour d’Argent, which had a lovely view of Notre Dame.

      I loved the museums, and walking around – and I did take one boat tour on the Seine, a nice way to see the city while getting a little rest.

      Enjoy your trip!

    2. Alan*

      My wife and I like the Hotel Moliere. It’s very nicely located, close to the metro, within easy walking distance of Louvre and Musee D’Orsay and other stuff. There’s a great Italian restaurant right next door which we discovered only on our last day (so we ate there twice in one day). We had no problems, locals were nice, and it felt safe in metro stations and walking on the street. I can’t think of anything to watch out for other than the normal precautions to defeat pickpockets (although we didn’t see any). Have fun! We also went to Normandy (we drove) and had a lovely time. It was my wife’s and my first time in France together and we can’t wait to go back.

    3. tab*

      I love this little hotel on Île Saint-Louis. You’re in the middle of Paris, but it’s so quiet on the island. Hotel de Lutece – Notre Dame.

    4. Hyaline*

      Have fun! We went as a family, so we did an AirBNB–FWIW if you want to go that route it ws super affordable and very nice. I like staying in neighborhoods where people actually live–it feels nice and restful.

      I found that Paris was a great city for being able to just *be*, not always to need to have something to *do* if that makes sense. It’s also super walkable, so you can start at, say, the Arc de Triomphe and just wander down the Champs Elysees and see a ton of highlights–or no highlights at all, just enjoy the city. Similarly, you can certainly research the most amazing restaurants and splurge on amazing meals…or you can drop into bakeries and even grocery stores and end up with the most delicious sandwich ever and just eat it in the park.

      The Metro is easy to use. Don’t be afraid of the Metro :D

      I second a boat tour–it’s a nice way to see a lot of the city at once, and many are in English or are bilingual. We did this as our first-day-activity and it was a great choice for that.

      If you want to hit a museum, I loved the Musee des Beaux Arts–it’s in the Petit Palais from the 1900 Worlds Fair, it’s lovely, it’s free, it’s not crowded. We skipped the major museums because a) I don’t love fighting crowds and b) we had our kids with us and justifying a more expensive ticket purchase like the Louvre or d’Orsay when we might all have Had It a couple hours in seemed unwise. But Beaux Arts was an excellent little dip into art!

      I recommend Sainte-Chapelle to everyone because it was my favorite thing we did–I’d choose it over Notre Dame and the Sacre Coeur every time for church locations to visit (though mass at the Sacre-Coeur was pretty awesome if that’s your thing at all).

      1. Alan*

        Re “most delicious sandwich ever”… I remember being hungry in the Nice airport many years ago and seeing someone selling baguettes. I was starving so I figured it would be good enough to keep me going. It was delicious! Since then I’ve found that even little side salads, the things that are space fillers with American entrees, are wonderful in France. Somehow the most mundane things are transformed by care and fresh ingredients into something you don’t forget. And they care that you really enjoy the food. I was in some place just needing some calories and when I expressed happiness at the unexpectedly good food, the waiter broke into a smile and became chatty. You could tell that he had wanted me to enjoy it. I’m not even a foodie but I really loved eating in France.

      2. allathian*

        Notre Dame might be worth a visit if only because they recently reopened it after the 2019 fire and rebuilding.

        Last year I saw a really cool documentary about the rebuilding and how they had to rediscover old construction processes to get it right.

    5. Alan*

      Paris is not one of those places (in my experience) where some restaurants are bad and some are good. Even the dumpiest of places seems to take (justifiable) pride in their food. I’ve eaten a lot of good food all sorts of places in Europe, but the best overall has been in France, and we’re not talking fine dining, Michelin restaurants, but just average places. If there’s a downside it’s that lots of people don’t speak English, and some menus come only in French. Google Translate in camera mode is a lifesaver.

    6. UKDancer*

      Paris is a lot of fun. Accommodation is quite pricy.

      I like the Hotel Parc St Severin in the Latin Quarter because it’s very nice and comfortable and has a good breakfast.

      I love the Musee D’Orsay for art, and just wandering around the Pere Lachaise cemetery to see the famous graves.

      I don’t know any particular eating places for French food but there’s a lovely Georgian restaurant on Boulevard St Michel that I always like called Tamada which does amazing khinkali (dumplings) so I usually eat there. Not French I know but a cuisine I’m fond of.

      While finding a really good meal can be challenging, it’s hard to eat badly as long as you avoid very touristy places. As well as French food it’s worth trying North African food in some places as there’s some wonderful dishes especially things like tagine. Also there are a number of good Vietnamese places.

      Paris is fairly safe, but there are pickpockets. Keep your belongings safe, make your your rucksack is in front of you and fastened on the metro. If you wander around Montmartre there are a lot of people asking you to sign petitions, play 3 card monty or trying to tie bracelets on. Avoid them all, say “non” loudly and walk away.

      I know a lot of Americans smile at people a lot. Try and avoid doing this, it’s not the done thing in Paris. You don’t really acknowledge people or speak to them on public transport and you don’t smile at strange men unless you’re wanting them to pick you up. Cultivate resting bitch face. Don’t get me wrong, if you ask for help, people will be helpful, but walking around with a big grin on is considered weird.

      Get used to the metro early on, it’s easy enough once you’re used to it. They tend to mark the destination on the signs when you’re at the metro stations (meaning the final destination of the train). So you need to know that before you get on to be going the correct way.

      Can’t help with a spa. What I usually do is look for the best hotel in town in my area and book there. Or just google for nice spas in Paris and look for something with good reviews. I think I had one at a Sofitel that was quite good but I’m struggling to remember where.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The RATP (Paris public transport system) is very good, but some stations don’t have lifts or escalators, so it isn’t great if you have luggage.

        I have never had problems with dining alone and there are lots of different restaurants to choose from. Bouillon Chartier is very traditional and cheap (starters from 1 euro) and the traditional bar-restaurants which are always located on the corners of streets usually have excellent menus which change every day.

        UKDancer above mentions the Sofitel. Sofitel, Novotel, Mercure and Ibis hotels all belong to the same (French founded) group, Accor.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes, sorry should have explained that. I forgot you may not have them in the US. Sofitel is the most expensive and upmarket in the chain and usually has more amenities. I love the one in Marseille and the one in Warsaw.

          Novotel and Mercure are mid ranking and Ibis is the budget end. The Ibis is usually ok but it’s basic. If you want a clean, comfortable and cheap stay in a French city, they’re pretty decent. I don’t use them in the UK because Premier Inn is usually better in my view.

          Do not stay in the Mercure by Gare du Nord, it’s a very poor example. In fact don’t stay in Gare du Nord area. It’s not dangerous but it’s not very pretty or charming either.

          1. amoeba*

            Hm, depends where exactly and what you like, I’ve stayed in the 10th multiple times, including directly at the metro stop “Chateau d’Eau”, which apparently has quite a bad reputation especially among American tourist? I really liked it there, but sure, it’s certainly not quiet. Loads of bars and nightlife and people in the street, including people trying to gain customers for all the afro hair salons thereabouts – which does lead to them taking to pedestrians and apparently scaring some tourists. But for me it was a really cool area in general (not very touristy) and very convenient location, as I actually needed to leave from gare du Nord early in the morning.
            I’ve also stayed in other places in the 10th/near gare du Nord that were much quieter, but still really close to loads of nice restaurants etc.

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      This sounds like it will be lovely. If you are up for a relaxing adventure, you could visit the Grand Mosque of Paris. Not only does it have gorgeous gardens, they have a hammam with very reasonably priced massage, and a tea room. I made it to the gardens two years ago but not the hammam. My other advice for Paris is to make sure you spend some time doing nothing. Sitting with a cup of coffee and a glass of wine watching the world go by is really worthwhile!

    8. BellStell*

      For a cafe on a rooftop with an amazing full city view tour the Institute of the Arab World and go to the cafe! The Institut du Monde Arabe is an organisation founded in Paris in 1980 by France with 18 Arab countries to research and disseminate information about the Arab world and its cultural and spiritual values. The Institute was established as a result of a perceived lack of representation for the Arab world in France, and seeks to provide a secular location for the promotion of Arab civilization, art, knowledge and culture.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Yes! Beautiful view, and about a 15 min walk from the Mosque. It’s interesting architecture as well.

    10. allathian*

      August is the main vacation month in France and everyone who can will get out of the big cities like Paris. Places catering to foreign tourists will be open, but some of the smaller, quirkier museums etc. may be closed.

      It’s also usually the hottest month of the year, although depending on the climate you’re used to that may not be so bad. Hotels with at least 4 stars will have aircon, the 3 star ones may or may not, the really cheap ones won’t.

      I second the suggestions of river tours and the metro. Paris at night seen from the river looks amazing.

      Trains in France are usually very good and run on time unless there’s a strike. Tickets are also IMO reasonably priced.

      There’s so much to see in Paris that in three days you’ll barely have the time to scratch the surface.

      I hope that you enjoy both the city and the retreat!

    11. Silmaril*

      This sounds like a fantastic plan! Definitely smart to have a few days to get over the jet lag before your retreat.

      On arrival (if anything other than the evening), do your utmost to go outside for a bit – boat tour can be good here, or a pre-planned walk (maybe along the Seine) so that the deadly inertia of jet lag and travel fatigue doesn’t hold you in thrall.

      I do a fair amount of work travel (with rigid timetables for meetings etc) across time zones – if you have a rough timetable for the retreat (particularly what time activities will start), try to align with this on your Paris days. So if the retreat will need you up and doing at, say, 08:30, try to be leaving your hotel around then. This helps a lot, I find.

      I am particularly fond of the Jardin des Tuileries – very iconic, pretty, and relatively peaceful compared to other major tourist attractions. Perfect on a dry day, but there’s also a nice cafe if it’s raining. Could be a good first day activity if you’re jet lagged and not feeling up to battling the crowds of the Louvre etc.

      Been a while since I was there so can’t recommend specific restaurants, but concur with the advice already given that in general the food there is excellent, and I’ve never had any issues with being a solo diner. Bring a book if you like, but actually the people watching is fun and savouring one’s food is encouraged, so I feel the need for this less in France than in the UK or USA.

      If you have any dietary restrictions, translate these into French in advance to make life easier for yourself. (For instance, I’m coeliac/celiac – I have little cards that says “I have coeliac disease, I cannot eat gluten (found in wheat, barley, rye and oats) without becoming unwell” in major European languages – it’s helpful even if I speak the language, because the waiter can take it to the chef if there’s doubt about a dish.)

      Hope you have a fabulous time!

    12. Bluebell Brenham*

      Two more quick tips-
      If you want to connect with a Parisian, you can arrange for a free tour through Paris Greeters. The tour guides are Paris residents and they focus on their areas of interest (you can go to the website and you choose what you’d be interested in). My husband and I had an amazing 2 hour architecture tour in the area around Parc Monceau, and we learned so much!
      Second tip- if you have the time, poking your head into random churches is fantastic. We saw so many beautiful stained glass windows and gorgeous spaces.

  24. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    I don’t know what I want to listen to, so I’m just relistening to You’re Dead to Me, a comedy history podcast.

    1. Seashell*

      I’ve been listening to Pop Culture Happy Hour, a podcast through NPR. Sometimes they talk about a specific current movie/TV show/album, but I like the ones with more general topics, like Best One-Hit Wonders or Actor who has never been nominated for an Oscar but should have won.

    2. bassclefchick*

      Podcasts: Not Just the Tudors and Betwixt the Sheets from History Hit. Renaissance history that does include the Tudors and the history of sex. CLEARLY the second one is NOT suitable for children OR work, but I really like it. I’ve learned many new things and really like the host.

      Talking Pictures hosted by Ben Mankiewicz from TCM. Really good. I used to listen to You Must Remember This, which was OK for awhile, but she tends to do imitations when she reads quotes and she’s not very good at it. Kinda bothered me.

      Food podcasts: Ina Garten’s Be My Guest. She has guests come to the Barn in the Hamptons. Your Mama’s Kitchen with Michele Norris. Her guests talk about the kitchens they grew up in and how it shaped them as a person.

      1. Goldfeesh*

        I loves Betwixt’s Fair Do’s warnings. “You have been warned!”

        I’ve been listening to An Old Timey Podcast. They do both fun history (like baseball’s Cleveland Indian’s 10 cent beer night chaos in the 1970s) to more fun, yet serious history like Robert Smalls.

    3. curly sue*

      I’ve been really enjoying some of the podcasts on Ranged Touch. The main hosts are a couple of young PhDs + friends who read and discuss a wide range of literature, and there’s a different monthly podcast for each topic.

      I subscribe to Just King Things (literary and cultural analysis of the works of Stephen King, in publication order) and Game Studies Study Buddies (reading major academic works in the field of game studies), and I occasionally listen to Shelved by Genre (genre fiction of all sorts) when they’re discussing a book series I’ve read. Their Last Herald Mage series was a lot of fun, and they’re reading through William Gibson now. The hosts are occasionally academic, often irreverent and tangential, but always interesting.

    4. curly sue*

      I made some recommendations, but the comment got sent to moderation. The short form is ‘Ranged Touch’ – a channel with a number of good book podcasts.

    5. RLC*

      The Australian Broadcasting Corporation’s “What the Duck?”. Interviews with scientists about the most obscure, unknown facts of animal behavior, done in the most entertaining way.

    6. Fickle Pickle*

      If Books Could Kill podcast, two hosts discuss books touted as serious self help that are just fluff.

    7. I take tea*

      I think I have mentioned “Eleanor & Alistair Read That” before. They read and discuss classic British children’s classics. I just listened to their take on Roald Dahl’s The Witches and enjoyed it very much. They’re funny, but they also talk about problems with the books or the authors.

    8. Fluff*

      Disastrous History – Hosted by Anthony. He works as a fire investigator and is my kind of nerd. He dives into the details and patterns. Plus he has a quirky sense of humor. For example, he has THREE episodes on Katrina and his episode on the Deepwater Horizon is over 2 hours.

  25. Hiker*

    Recommendations on lightweight options for carrying phone + car keys that isn’t a purse? I like to feel unencumbered when being active outdoors. I’m doing a lot of solo easy hikes (1-2hrs) or meeting up with my friends to play with their kids at parks. Belted options like my fanny pack or running belt restricted the movement of my shirt and made me extremely sweaty. What else is out there?

    1. Citymouse*

      Can you do a small backpack? I hike with my kid so I always carry water and my mini first aid kit that way.

    2. Generic Name*

      Buy pants with large pockets? Incredibly hard if you wear women’s clothing. You could also take all the other keys off your key ring and just put the car key in your pocket or pin it to your clothing and get an armband holder for your phone. Or you could go in the completely opposite direction and get a small daypack backpack to carry stuff and have water and snacks with you as well. I don’t find them too sweaty I guess.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have no idea how to describe this, heh. I have a flat doohickey in my phone case that sticks a clip loop out through where the charging port is, and a crossbody strap that clips to the loop, as well as having an extra clip attached for my keys. I use it all the time if I’m just running to the store or whatnot and don’t want to take a purse, and it’s great, but I’ve never tried it for anything particularly active. I think it comes up if you search “phone lanyard”?

      There’s also phone holders that strap onto your wrist or forearm, but those might be bothersome similar to a fanny pack.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Depending on your clothing preference for these activities, I also have workout leggings with thigh pockets that fit my giant iPhone, and I’ve never had it at risk of falling out while walking or jogging.

        1. I can’t spell annonymouse*

          I have skorts with the same function on the shorts part—and they have zippered side and back pockets. That’s what I used for climbing Diamondhead

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            Another vote for leggings with thigh pockets; my favorite pair has a tiny waistband pocket where I like to keep my credit card. If the fabric is too light-weight, the pants won’t stay up well with heavy items in the pockets. I like to pair them with a jacket with zip pockets.

            My second choice pants are joggers with zip pockets; I like the Target brand ones I stole from my husband. Really you just need secure pockets whether that’s tight pockets or pockets that zip/snap/button.

    4. CARABINER TIME!*

      Do you have beltloops on your outdoorsy clothes? If so, carabiner time! Or could be :)

    5. A nonny mouse*

      I do a fanny pack but wear it like a cross-body bag. Significantly improves airflow (and I already owned the fanny pack)

    6. Hyaline*

      I do a little crossbody bag for hikes and city exploring kinds of stuff—one of the kinds that sling across your chest (you can usually wear them on your back too). I’ve seen them called sling cross body bags and sling backpacks.

    7. Fluffy*

      fishing (or photo) vest? the majority are described as men’s, so I would want to try on at REI, Cabela’s or similar store. vest with pockets have made me very happy

    8. Yikes Stripes*

      They’re not the most fashionable things in the world, but I love my cargo pants and shorts for this

    9. SH*

      bondiband armband

      Holds phone keys in an armband that you wear on your bicep. Have a friend that uses hers for running.

    10. Pocket Mouse*

      Sports bra with a pocket in back for the phone, shorts/leggings/what have you with a pocket (usually in the waistband, sometimes hidden) for keys. Or just sportsy shorts/pants – the classic Adidas soccer pants have pretty deep pockets, and styles (from Adidas or other brands) have standard front pockets that zip closed. Depending on your size, teen boys styles may work well where the women’s styles have been rendered nonfunctional by the patriarchy.

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      If that’s all you need to carry, you need a Nuu Muu! These are lightweight exercise dresses with pockets in the back like a bike jersey. Fun designs with new fabrics out every spring and fall, great to sweat in, quick-dry fabrics. They have two different cuts, one with a higher neck, one with a scoop neck. Made by a woman-owned company based in Bellingham, WA. Sizes from XS to 3XL.

      If you don’t want to get them new, there’s an active buy/sell/trade group on Facebook. In my corner of the world (in WA state) I’ve had women come up to my when I’m wearing one to talk about whether they own the same design. I may actually have a drawer-full. We love them!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I don’t have one myself, but I have seen quite a few people have a phone case with a long cord which you can wear around your neck.

      2. Mary Lynne*

        Oh my goodness I don’t have one yet, but I just looked at the website and I’m in love! We are getting ready to take a two week jaunt from San Francisco up the coast, with lots of hiking and all different activities, and I’ve been looking at woolx dresses, but these look amazing! The patterns are great. And I absolutely love that on the sizing chart they show all different size models in different size dresses so you can see how they really look. Thank you for the recommendation!

    12. Girasol*

      Jansport Fifth Avenue pack. I keep buying the same one when the old one wears out because it’s the perfect size. I can buckle it behind me or in front or sling it over the shoulder or wear it like a cross body bag. They’re less expensive than they used to be and usually have lots of color choices.

  26. RussianInTexas*

    Looking for a lightweight/summer comforter (not a duvet). The current one I have, from IKEA, is just too hot.

    1. DistantAudacity*

      …a summer lightweight version from IKEA?

      I just usually use a woollen blanket on top of my empty duvet cover, or even just the duvet cover itself!

    2. Double A*

      I just bought a linen one from Quince and I like it a lot. It’s got some weight but is cool.

    3. Guin*

      Get a lightweight down comforter, not synthetic. Down breathes and doesn’t make you sweat. Try Company Store.

  27. adorkable*

    Anyone have favorite work pants?

    I don’t particularly care what gender the pants are marketed for but I don’t want those hip pockets that seem to be on every pair of pants and gap weirdly! Extra points for matching blazer so I could have a decent looking suit.

    (I am pretty short — 28″ inseam usually works — much wider in the hips than waist, and have pretty skinny legs.)

    1. Lady Danbury*

      No suggestions for favs (I also struggle with pants), but one suggestion to combat the weird pocket gap is to just sew them shut.

    2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Betabrand makes great stretch pants with pockets and matching blazers. They have some cropped pants too.

  28. Far away from home*

    Does anyone have any ideas for feeling connected to a community while very far away? I grew up secularly Jewish in the US and now live in a foreign country. What jews there are here are Very Religious, which makes me … a bit uncomfortable? Sometimes it is because there is such a huge difference in our beliefs, for example about gender stuff with the orthodox jews. (Each their own! Just not for me.) But not everyone is orthodox, so that’s not always the hurdle. Another example: I miss partaking of the usual holiday celebrations, but taking part in their rituals feels a bit … disingenuous I guess? Because I don’t believe in the religion part. And throwing my own celebration feels really hard because I’d basically be the only jew at the table (and would spend the whole time being the one explaining and deciding and driving everything which feels like a lot but might just be what I have to do–but I’m also worried that I would miss the casual “together” feeling, that comfort of familiarity, that just happens without effort at home). Maybe I’m over thinking this? Are there resources or places to go online maybe? I’m open to hearing your thoughts, if you have any! Thank you.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Is there a robust ex pat community? That’s usually where you’ll find other culturally/secularly Jewish folks.

      My relative was in a similar situation for a few years. Even within the ex pat community he still had some mismatch of experience and expectations. He and his spouse had to adapt in both directions – learn to participate in more ritual than they had grown up with when celebrating with others, and be willing to explain to/fold in people who had less of a Jewish background when they were hosting.

      I will say that having to really think through how to include others has made me more aware of what matters to me personally in certain celebrations. You lose some of the familiarity of “we always do it this way,” but you gain the insight of asking “but why?”

      1. Far away from home*

        Yes, very good idea about the ex pat community. To a degree, I am already doing that, but I’m a bit hampered by some outside circumstances at the moment. Hopefully that will change and I can think about how to use those opportunities best. Thank you for the reminder!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      A lot depends on the particular country (which you don’t have to share, just saying). I’m not a big fan of Chabad in a religious sense (I am Conservative, but obviously not super observant because I’m replying to this now, and I prefer a much more egalitarian POV), but when it comes to finding community in a place where there aren’t a lot of us around, I appreciate them so much. Have you tried reaching out there? It may feel intimidating because Chabad rabbis are Hasidic, but their primary goal is to provide resources and community for Jews in places where there aren’t many Jews, so they are very used to people being pretty secular. I’m thinking Shabbat dinners here, not services. This varies by Chabad, of course, but it might be worth a try.

      Don’t feel disingenuous about not believing in the religion piece. I don’t know any Jew who has not struggled with that at some point. Synagogues are, for many of us, a community center as much as they are a place to pray. For me… I don’t go to services out of a desire to connect with G-d– if I want to do that, I can do it anywhere. I go to services to connect with my community.

      1. Far away from home*

        Thank you! I’m in Germany. I was in contact with the Chabad in my old city here and didn’t have a great experience. Everyone was nice and very respectful! But the hasidic part was really rough for me, especially when I went to events. It is hard to describe because they weren’t pushing religion, as such, but just a very very narrow world view. They were nice enough, but not my people. The other people there were all eastern European with significant differences in how they practiced so that the “familiar” part just wasn’t there. And then also several young men got visibly Very Interested, with an immediate reversal as soon as they learned I am married. It was just…a lot.

        I am in a different city now, though, and more clear about what I’m looking for, so maybe it would be a good idea to give it another go. Thanks for the suggestion! And the thoughts in general, I’ll sit with them and see what comes out. Thank you!

    3. SofiaDeo*

      IMO while the religion and heritage ceremonies are intertwined, participating isn’t “disingenuous”. I was raised Catholic, of an eastern European heritage that is predominately Catholic, and while I no longer participate in things as I did when younger, I still enjoy a number of them. Just because my belief is not as fervent as others, or if I think some of the “meanings” are more symbolic than literal, I don’t think I’m being hypocritical to participate in something.

  29. Gronk*

    Suggestions on things to do in London with kids aged 2 and 4? Will be day trips from swindon so not able to do super early starts. my partner keen to take them to Buckingham palace and Hamleys. I’d love to do museum type stuff but not sure what will not be too dry for little kids

    1. Buni*

      The Science musuem has a space especially for kids to go nuts running around, pressing buttons, pulling levers, SPACE! etc. Not sure about the 2yr old but the 4yr old can go bananas. Likewise the Natural History if they like a dinosaur, lots of stuff specifically for kids. They’re both free but check if you need to book a slot. If you’re coming from Swindon you’ll come to Paddington which isn’t a hard trip to Kensington.

      Buck House is right next to Green Park which is my fave London park, take a picnic.

    3. Alan*

      I just noticed the same question on Reddit in the uktravel sub. Maybe go over there and search for “Suggestions please! Traveling with a toddler”. It was yesterday. The comments section mentioned the Natural History Museum as a great spot but also had links to previous discussions on the same topic.

    4. Alan*

      This question was just on Reddit yesterday in the uktravel sub. “Suggestions please! Traveling with a toddler”. Maybe check that out.

      1. UKDancer*

        Natural history and science museum are both a lot of fun. Also they’re free so you can go for as long as you like and pop in and out.

        I think a 2 year old would find Buckingham Palace really boring to be honest.

    6. Alan*

      R3ddit just had a post with this same question in the uktravel sub yesterday. Lots of links to discussions. Search for “toddler” maybe.

    7. Pickles*

      So I took my kids when the were a bit older, but I remember the parks and playgrounds there are awesome! There is one near buckingham palace.
      London eye is fun-but a long line.

    8. California Dreamin’*

      My kids were a bit older when we went, but we really enjoyed the Royal Mews right next to Buckhingham Palace. It’s where they keep all the royal carriages, and I think there were some horses there, too.

  30. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Does everyone’s cat sleep on their chest every single night?

    We’ve had to have a few chats because I cannot sleep when she’s on my chest, she understands but it’s also her fav spot. The compromise is that I made her a nest next to my side of the bed so she can still feel included.

    1. Double A*

      No, because I would be crushed to death (he’s a big boy) but I sleep on my side cradling a pillow so that is his cat bed most nights.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut cat loved doing that when he was a kitten–would lie on Husband’s chest and lick his nose! Adorable until the inevitable nibbling started.

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Destructobot will often do the following:
      As it lightens, arrange herself atop me and my fortress of pillows. When my husband’s alarm makes its first gentle chimes, she will dramatically leap off me and land atop him, waking him, so he can pay attention to her rather than to the little glowy box.

      Fortunately there’s a schedule for her talking to the ghosts, so she doesn’t spend all night atop us.

    4. SolarPowered*

      No, my cat sleeps around my knees and has never in the 5 years I’ve had her tried to sit or sleep on my chest.

    5. Pam Adams*

      I had one that slept on my hip- I’m a side sleeper. We negotiated the ‘mom is turning over now’ part.

    7. Generic Name*

      No, because I sleep on my side. I toss and turn a lot, and fortunately she normally takes it in stride.

    8. Samwise*

      My little cat used to do that. I got her trained to instead tuck in by my side when I went to bed. Of course, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with her on my chest and her head under my chin.

      I sure miss her. Wish she was still here to sleep on my chest.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I have three, and sometimes they all sleep with me – usually one tucked up beside me, one perched on top of whichever side of me is up, and the other half-on/half-off. But some nights I sit there reading, wondering aloud where all my cats are. And sometimes one will turn up and settle happily down, while the others nap in very different parts of the house. (I think they do it just to mess with me.)

    10. AnonymousOctopus*

      Nope! I’m wayyy too tossing-turning for that so I don’t take it personally. She sleeps in her cat tree hammock that’s perfect for watching me sleep.

      She does snuggle in the crook of my arm while we’re winding down for bed. I very much look forward to that every night.

    11. Figgie*

      Ours sleeps on my pillow. And he takes up 90% of the pillow, leaving me a small spot to put my head.

      I could live with that, but if I have a cold and cough, he hits me. And he packs a wallop as he is a big guy. The other night my spouse asked me why I was in the bathroom coughing and I said it was to avoid being hit. He said I sounded like I was in an abusive relationship with the cat!

      Occasionally, I will fight the cat for the pillow, but he is sneaky. It is a satin pillowcase and he has learned that if he puts all four of his feet against the headboard and his back against my head, he can wait until I fall asleep and then shove me completely off of the pillow.

      He is an asshole, but I love him dearly!

  31. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Dark Winds (1970s mysteries set on the Navajo reservation in New Mexico) was really excellent, including a demon sheep.

    Started The Residence (on Netflix) and it’s highly entertaining. The editing just makes it feel very zippy.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      I’ve started watching and really enjoying Being Erica, a Canadian series (4 seasons long, streaming free on Tubi) about a 30-something Toronto woman whose life is in a shambles – lost job/boyfriend/family conflict- who is visited by a ‘therapist’ (is he an angel? spirit? He won’t say….) who appears suddenly in each episode to discuss her current issues in a kind of therapy session, but then sends her back in time to relive similar moments from her past that she regrets to see them differently or see the consequence that would have come from a different outcome. It’s not preachy or heavily sci-fi-ish, and the lessons she learns in each episode change her as she matures. You could almost pluck one great life aphorism from each episode and make a poster of ‘life advice.’ The lead actress is lovely, and there are many Canadian TV actors in the show as well – including the hunky boyfriend from Wonderfalls. The shout outs to Toronto haunts (Casa Loma!) and great location shots are a nice bonus. Highly recommended!

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I watched the whole series during covid and really enjoyed it. I really like watching Canadian shows and seeing the same actors in different roles- the same actor (Amanda Brugel) as a high ranking police officer in Pretty Hard Cases is the pastor in Kim’s Convenience.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Agreed! She is also in lots of TV movies that are kind of Hallmark-ish or Christmasy. She’s marvelous. Canadian shows are great!

    2. Teapot Translator*

      All episodes of Ludwig are at last available in Canada on Britbox, so I bingwatched it. So satisfying.
      I’m also watching Mr. and Mrs. Murder, an Australian TV show about crime scene cleaners who solve crimes. There’s only one season. It’s very enjoyable.

    3. WellRed*

      Just finished Bosch Legacy, the series. Bummed it’s over. At some point soon, plan to sign up for Peacock to watch the new Bridget Jones movie and Long Bright River. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with what’s playing where.

    4. Morning Dew*

      Hacks on HBO! When it first came out, I watched the first five episodes and I was meh about it. Then I ran out of things to watch and I decided to give it another shot. I’m loving it now (just finished season 2). I especially love the scenes with Jimmy and Kayla!

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Just started Dark Winds, Ludwig, and The Chelsea Detective! Liking all three so far.

      Blew through Kevin Bacon’s new show, The Bondsman. He plays a bail bondsman who’s killed trying to bring someone in, and is sent back from Hell by the Devil to hunt and capture escaped demons. It’s very funny and the episodes are only half an hour–literally finished it in one day. I like the music a lot, too.

      I did DESPISE the retconning of Lilith, though. I get having to have a Big Bad but it was utterly ridiculous.

    6. Middle Aged Lady*

      Wolf Hall! Great costumes, great acting, filmed on location in historic buildings. Moral and emotional conflicts, and largely historically accurate.

    7. allathian*

      Watched Starship Troopers recently. Thought-provoking and quite enjoyable if you manage to keep your dark humor/satire filters on while you’re watching, otherwise it’s quite grim in spots. In some ways very reminiscent of the original Total Recall, maybe not so surprising as both were directed by Paul Verhoeven.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Watched that a couple of years back, and on checking the reviews they clearly fell along the lines “Did the reviewer understand this was satire?”

        The movie is definitely satire, with the makers alive to spell that out; whether the source material is satire apparently has debate. I had assumed sincere but the proposal that Heinlein knew exactly what he was portraying was an interesting take.

        1. The Person from the Resume*

          The movie is satire.

          I don’t think the book is, but the book is very different from the movie. Lots of internal thoughts and not as many battles as you’d expect. With military training heavily influenced by WWII that the author had just recently lived through.

    8. Retiredandlovesit*

      I was talking to a friend of mine who is an ER doc and she strongly recommended The Pitt. She said it was the only realistic doctor show she’s ever seen, and it actually reflects her life in the ER pretty accurately.

      I worked in a psych ER for a long time so although I’m really squeamish about blood, I was curious about the show.
      She was right. Although I don’t have the same medical background, we had a lot of of the same issues when I worked in psych with the kinds of people that came in and the problems they had and the limited resources in the lack of time and Even some of the medical issues seen in a medical ER.

      I do have to fast forward through some of the super realistic Scenes that involve severe bleeding or surgery, but I’m getting good at clipping them off just when those scenes end.

      It’s not for everyone, but it’s Incredibly well written and active, and holds your attention in a way that most shows don’t.

    9. Strive to Excel*

      I recently binged High Potential and found myself enjoying it a lot more than I expected. The plots are fairly boilerplate and the detecting/use of rules and tools is predictably unrealistic, but what I found surprisingly refreshing was the portrayal of interpersonal relationships. I saw some good boundary setting, apologizing for screwups, and a single mother-teen daughter relationship that actually got across “I love you even though you drive me crazy sometimes”. I feel like that’s not super common in dramas and it was a pleasant add.

    10. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I’ve started bingeing on Star Trek Lower Decks.
      If you’re a Trek fan, and haven’t seen this, please watch it. It’s animated, but it’s both serious and funny, with lots of fanservice (there are tons of references to the other series, and even to fandom).

      Basic idea, it’s about the lower decks guys on a B-Team ship. You know, the Enterprise and friends are the A-Team, going in, doing first contact, etc., etc. This ship is for things like Second Contact, and dealing with the dirty work after the big names leave. It’s very well done.

  32. Hearts & Minds*

    I’m looking to change up my summer wardrobe and start incorporating knit dresses (knee or mid-calf length) and leggings. Does anyone have any recommendations? Ideally it would be a store that has color coordinated choices since I’d be shopping online.

    TIA!

    1. SansaStark*

      I’ve had some really good luck with Old Navy dresses lately. They’re not going to last you forever, so you might want to consider delicate washing and hanging up to dry, but they’re super cute and a very reasonable price. I don’t really wear leggings, but I feel like Old Navy is definitely a place to get leggings?

      1. Chaordic One*

        Old Navy has some very nice things, but they are purveyors of “fast fashion,” and their clothes are not always the most durable. They are reasonably priced, though, and should certainly last through this summer and maybe even next summer, too, before they start showing wear.

        For things with a bit more quality you might try Lands’ End. They are a bit spendy, but it seems to me like they always have discount coupons for 40% or 50% off.

    3. Generic Name*

      Honestly, I buy a lot of clothing on Amazon. I’ve gotten lots of knit dresses there, and they are great for summer.

      1. Flower*

        Me too. I got very inexpensive knit dresses in a million colors. There are a lot of different brands selling them, I don’t remember which one I purchased from. They were about $35 each. Comfortable, washable.

        1. Flower*

          Sometimes they are $29 each. I got red, black, purple…they come in something like 15 colors.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        +1 for the Amazon knits. Depending on the item, they may have several different versions across multiple brands that look identical online but are NOT. If you run across this issue, I would recommend buying one from each brand to try them out, then return the ones that don’t work. I ran into that issue this week, where 2 of the 3 seemingly identical dresses were a completely different fabric from what I was expecting, while the third was perfect.

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I like Betabrand for stretchy, comfortable clothing. Universal Standard is a good brand with a wide size range.

      You might try looking on resale sites like Poshmark and ThredUp once you find a brand you like, to cut down on waste and save some money.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        Svaha has really cute dresses that are STEM themed, but the cuts can make a curvier woman look very matronly. I’ve mostly hourglass figure but am a little fuller on the bottom than top and the skater dress and midi skirt I bought are adorable but make my bottom look a mile wide. I hate to use the term unflattering, but I’d say that is the. Rst way to put it.

        The skater skirt is shorter than expected, especially on my 5’4 frame.

  34. Anxious kitty*

    I am fostering a kitty that came from a bad home situation, and is now an anxious mess. Thankfully he eats and drinks just fine, but he runs away in fear as soon as I come near him. This makes it impossible to get him to the vet for a check-up and vaccinations.
    Does anyone have any tips to calm him down? I’ve already had a Feliway going for a couple of weeks.

    1. Cat savvy*

      Gabapentin. Give him a dose the night before and try to keep him in a smaller room, then another dose in the morning.

      In general, leave the carrier out so he sees it as a safe space. Get him used to approaching you for treats (e.g. Churu). Slow blinks and being very still while you hold your finger out for him to sniff. It takes a long time. I have a “house feral” I can’t approach but she will approach me and even occasionally sit with me (especially in the winter when I have the heated blanket).

      1. Flower*

        Gabapentin *is* good for this, but be cautious about dose. We were “allowed” to give our full grown, very large cat a full dose but it turned out it knocked her pretty much out for three days. Next time I think I would start smaller and if it didn’t work then try a larger dose up to the “allowed” dose, since all cats vary.

        Also, I agree with folks who said just sit in the same room without interacting. But you can also sit in the same room and read aloud in a calm, low voice. I used to read my anxious kitty children’s books. She would come nest by me.

        Also! Yes, lots of time. Our new adopted beastie who had been in the shelter 6 months and on the street before that came to us anxious, skittish, and flinching and biting if we tried to pet him. It’s taken four months, but he now feels safe here and comes over to be petted and purrs.

    2. *daha**

      Apply liberal doses of the passage of time. Also, leave an open-doored carrier sitting out with a comfy towel and perhaps he will camp out in it voluntarily.

    3. Zephy*

      Time and patience. If he’s got the run of the house, you may want to corral him back into a single room and keep him confined for a while longer – the smaller his world is, the less overwhelming it will be for him.

      Sit in the room with him and ignore him. Bring a book or something. Your job is to just be present – don’t try to interact with him, just be there and let him come to the realization that you are not a threat by not being threatening. (If you’re thinking, “I’m not being threatening!”, consider how it would feel to be in the home of a giant who periodically comes right up to you, gets in your face making loud squealing noises, and tries to pick you up off the ground – especially if your previous experience with similar creatures was traumatic in some way. Your intentions may be good but this boy does not understand that your home is a safe place yet, and unfortunately he doesn’t speak English, so you can’t just explain it to him.)

      If he’s due for shots soon, any chance the foster org can send a vet out to you? Or, if their vet can’t come to you, would they help you offset the cost of calling in another vet who will do home visits, if there’s one in your area?

    4. Shiny Penny*

      You might enjoy watching some of Lori Torrini’s you-tube videos on Choice Base Handing. Her videos are about taming and handling pet snakes, but I find it’s helpful to see how things play out in handling a species that’s not the one I’m currently dealing with! Every baby snake is born a wild animal and needs to be carefully and kindly tamed— and a lot do not get that courtesy. So I love watching Torrini’s approach to fixing the resulting problems that ensue.
      I think dealing with feral cats and terrified dogs has more in common with dealing with an actual wild animal than a lot of people assume.
      At the very least, recalibrating expectations is super helpful!
      But for me, learning to be aware of the ways humans (me!) inadvertently add aversive “pressure” so easily when interacting with an animal— without noticing or intending!— has been especially useful in the last decade with my extremely fearful dog. Well-socialized, neurologically standard domestic animals are calibrated to our thoughtless actions (by which I mean humans “acting without thinking” not “acting unkindly”) But each tiny degree of increased pressure is hugely noticed by a wild/feral creature.

    6. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Can you foster another kitten as well, or an older one for a while? This would be company for him and the other cat would also be role modelling that you are ok to interact with. A cat to copy so he can learn what to do. Does he have a mum/sibling substitute toy to cuddle? Can you give him a piece of sheepskin to suckle/cuddle? Or a woolly jumper that you have worn.
      Kittens are astonishingly brave, aren’t they – coming from a bad home situation, he is alive now because he has learned to stay away from people, that’s a lot to overcome.
      Jackson Galaxy no doubt has good tips on his YouTube stuff. Getting him used to your voice by reading to him is an excellent idea. Something calm and gentle… could you do relaxation exercises or meditation in the room so that he can see you being very calm? I used to do qi gong exercises and my cat would always come and sit on my foot, never did that at any other time, I think she sensed a beneficial change in the force, haha. My best wishes to you both!

    7. skadhu*

      Every cat is different, but… A few years ago we socialized two 7 month old ferals. How we did it: we kept them in one room and we spent a lot of time there. It was my partner’s office and also had a comfy chair so we could both be there reading or doing quiet work. The cats had lots of hiding places, but none that we couldn’t extricate them from. They would hide under the comfy chair at lot as it had low skirts. Apart from just spending a lot of time with them, on two or three occasions every day we would pull them out from under the chair, pick them up and pat them, and put them down again so they could scoot back under the chair. I should emphasize that the whole process was VERY fast, there was no forcible snuggling, just one quick caress, they didn’t really have time to even squirm/panic before being put down. (I think they often panic at being restrained.) The idea was that it would teach them that being touched was not harmful and also that when it happened they wouldn’t be pinned/trapped. They started coming out of hiding amazingly quickly, and then began hopping up on the chair with us to get patted. Eleven years later they are still a bit spooky if we both are up and moving, and others rarely see them, but with us for the most part they are total love-sponges.

  35. An Australian in London*

    My MIL (woman, female-presenting, late 60s, in Texas) is having medical issues blown off by her specialist. Because of privilege this is outside my own lived experience, and I’m aware that moves available to me without consequences will have consequences for her, or aren’t available at all.

    Her GP is on side and great, but admits they’re out of their depth and a specialist (ortho) is needed. The current ortho is not covered in glory, have missed important things, has swept complications under the rug, called for causes of action other doctors outside the specialty raise their eyebrows at (like advising MIL to walk on a broken hip for months with no other intervention, supposedly so the pieces would be compressed together. It sounds bananas to me too.).

    Were it me, the obvious move would be to find another specialist for a second opinion. USAmericans will know it’s not so simple in terms of finding someone still in-network, etc.

    MIL’s chief fear is retaliation. When she changed oncologists a few years ago the original oncologist was (somehow?) still in the picture, and did unusual things like refuse to prescribe even local anaesthetic when a post-surgical port was installed. MIL is certain this was retaliation; whether that’s true or not is not what’s important here; what’s important is that she is certain and cannot be convinced otherwise.

    When we have suggested second opinions her responses constantly go back to not wanting to be a bother, being worried about hurting their feelings, and when pressed on these, always ends up at being afraid of retaliation.

    Suggestions and moves that have worked in the US’s South?

    1. WellRed*

      “What’s important is that she is certain and cannot be convinced otherwise.” This, to me, sounds like the bigger problem, but you’re focused more on the geography. Admittedly I’m not a southerner so could be missing some context. People get scared, stubborn and frankly a little strange as they age. I’ve seen this with my own mom. Is MIL a reliable narrator?

      1. Anono-me*

        Regardless of the root of her concerns,
        Can you convince your MIL to throw you under the bus?
        For example “My sweet but pushy S/DIL is from Australia and does not understand how the American medical system works, and is always always pushing for a second opinion. It is so unpleasant. I just need to have (next major holiday) in peace. So I am going to get a second opinion to hush them up.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Specialists can be as petty or spiteful or incompetent or dismissive as anyone else, of course. Your MIL’s wish to protect herself is pretty sensible from the sound of it. That orthopaedist sounds as if he should be struck off, frankly. If the GP is in fact a good one (and not ‘just’ one who has been kind to your MIL), then they could arrange a referral to someone else, surely (am in Australia though so some health insurance things are different). In any case, it sounds as if your MIL needs a competent companion/advocate to attend her appointments with her, to take notes and essentially be a witness/support. Is there anyone who can do that, perhaps through her church or a determined neighbour with a steely eye, etc.
      At the moment, the GP is the one with the most influence in the system. You could consider writing to the GP to say you are concerned about your MIL, that you would support the GP arranging a second opinion for her if they believed that would be helpful etc, that you are worried your MIL is downplaying her pain/disability and you want to do what you can, from a distance, to help her. Although the doctor will not reply without your MIL’s consent, you have still provided information to them and let them know things are not okay, AND that there is an outside observer who wants to get things sorted.
      Walking on a broken hip, FFS! And other practitioners knowing about this practitioner… anyway I don’t think you can sort out the medical system, but you can put some pressure on the GP and you may be able to push for someone to attend appointments with your MIL.
      As someone who has in the past attended medical appointments with clients who have been inadequately treated by their medical practitioners – having an advocate who can be clear, calm, stick to the point, ask the relevant questions etc is hugely valuable. Thank you for seeing what you can do to help despite the distance – many people are simply not able to sort things like this out alone, especially when they are in pain and fearful of consequences..

    5. Silent E*

      Perhaps a patient advocate would be helpful for your MIL, especially since you and your spouse are so far away and not familiar with the US medical system. Her GP or insurance company may be able to recommend someone. You or your MIL could also try the Health and Human Services website for Texas – look for the Aging section. I’ll post a link in a reply. Or a Local Agency on Aging for her area of Texas. Patient advocates help with care coordination and communication between the patient and doctors and family. If this isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, I hope it at least gives you a lead to something that does!

    6. AnonRN*

      Thoughts from someone who is not in the South and does work in healthcare (but not this type of outpatient care):

      1) If it’s been a while since the hip injury and she doesn’t think she’s making progress, can she ask for a physical therapy referral? To be clear, there *are* types of fractures in the hip/pelvic bones that don’t need surgery, and surgery isn’t a small undertaking, so the orthopedist *may* not be wrong about this. But if she’s not making progress or is having more pain or her mobility is declining, PT would be a place to start.
      I personally had a much more thorough workup by a PT than by the orthopedist who referred me there. Typically (in order for insurance to cover it) this would need to be referred by the orthopedist or her GP, but some PTs might take private pay clients.

      2) I don’t know how to convince her out of her fears of retaliation but there *are* sometimes barriers between providers. Probably, again, because of insurance issues more than any personal feelings on the provider’s part. If the old oncologist was no longer ordering her treatments, they may have felt they couldn’t order topical pain meds for her port since they weren’t ordering treatments through her port. (I don’t know if the provider is *correct* about this, but I could see it being their rationale.)

      3) There’s not a good way to put this, but does she *want* help solving this stuff? I understand your concern and your desire to help her be more comfortable, but when she calls you to talk about it is she just venting or is she asking for problem-solving ideas? It’s so challenging to be physically remote from her, unfamiliar with the system, and also (honestly) a little uncertain about her insight/understanding of the situation. If she definitely is looking for help, I do like the ideas of “blame the kid, I’m not trying to be needy but I gotta set their mind at ease” and also working with a patient navigator either from her healthcare system or her council on aging.

      1. Retiredandlovesit*

        If she has Medicare advantage or supplement, they often have patient navigators who will help with a referral to another specialist or second opinion. If she doesn’t wanna get a second opinion, you’re kind of stuck, but maybe if she talk to a patient navigator she could Discussed getting another different orthopedist.

    7. An Australian in London*

      Many great answers, thank you all!

      Re. getting a new referral – that is covered by “fears retaliation”. Anything that ends up with a new ortho and previous ortho being bypassed is what she is specifically scared of.

      For now we are treating “fear of retaliation” as its own thing which is related to but ultimately not part of her current medical woes. Her feelings are real even if they are perhaps about outcomes that aren’t realistic – and I wasn’t there for the port issue.

      She’s currently in PT. She has an unrelated condition that greatly decreases bone density, discovered only after her hip replacement, and it will be surgically resolved soon. We all expect this will improve her bone healing journey. And her GP at least took her pain seriously and she’s mobile again while waiting for the new surgery.

  36. I Live a Sheltered Life*

    We have been having very high pollen counts this spring and my seasonal allergies have been kicking in very strongly. Until I see my allergist again I’ve been controlling the symptoms with over-the-counter medicines and they’ve worked well. Recently, at my local grocery store, I’ve noticed OTC eye drops labeled as being antihistamines. I’ve never seen or heard of this before. Antihistamine eye drops. Who knew? Has anyone every used these products? Did they help with symptoms? Itching? Swelling? Would you recommend them?

    1. A313*

      I don’t know about over-the-counter antihistamine eye drops, but my allergy doctor prescribed azelastine eye drops (an antihistamine), and they work well for itchy, puffy eyes due to allergies.

    2. Lore*

      There are different formulations; for me personally olopatadine works far better than the other drugs but it’s pretty great at taking down the itchy eyes. I also use a nasal spray; if you take antihistamine tablets you might not also need the drops.

      1. I Live a Sheltered Life*

        Thank you. Olopatadine is what the eye drops were. I have had good luck with fluticasone propionate (the generic version of Flonase) nose drops. Costco has a great deal on the nose drops with their store brand that is labeled as Kirkland Aller-Flo.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      My mom’s eye doctor told her to use Zatador and Extra Strength Pataday daily/as needed for spring eye allergies. They are both OTC, and Mom finds them helpful for her itchy dry eyes. Her eye doc pointed out the prices for both are more reasonable at Costco than elsewhere. Worth researching, at least, and checking with your eye doc!

    5. Lady Danbury*

      I’ve used OTC allergy eye drops specifically for eye related allergies. I went through a period where my eyes would randomly swell after applying makeup, sometimes but not always. I could never pinpoint exactly what was causing it but it eventually resolved itself (after switching certain products) and hasn’t happened in years. During that period, they were highly effective at calming my allergic reaction, definitely more than oral medication. I’ve never used them for seasonal allergies though.

    6. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      See if you can get Olisir. It isn’t common in the states, but I find it far more effective than most antihistamines available in states.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Yes, those eye drops are amazing! There is also non steroid nasal spray that is great (maybe prescription?). Xyxal and Zyrtec have worked really well for me too.

  37. Dark Macadamia*

    What’s your favorite line from a book or show that sticks with you not because it’s super profound or meaningful but just … a nice combination of words?

    For me, every time I’m doing yard work (very lazily and minimally) I think of Lady Catherine asking Elizabeth to walk with her in the “prettyish kind of a little wilderness” at Longbourn. I just think it sounds so lovely and how I would want to be able to describe my own landscape/garden.

      2. allathian*

        That reminds me of a possibly apocryphal sentence in a high school English essay, “John Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost,’ and after his wife died he wrote ‘Paradise Regained’.”

        1. Zephy*

          I’d believe that a high schooler would phrase it like that without even intending the implied joke, but those three things did happen in that order. One of his wives, he had like three of them, did indeed pass away between the writing of Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained.

    2. Flower*

      Whenever we’re in the car and a pedestrian decides to enter the crosswalk at the last possible moment when the light is turning red for them, my husband or I will spout out, “You better run!” from Firefly. IFKYK, I can’t explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone who hasn’t seen it, I think.

      Also from Firefly, and often used when our cat has the zoomies: “Sorry to interrupt your CRAZY TIME…”

      What a fun thread!

      1. Flower*

        That was *supposed* to be IYKYK. Don’t know where the IFKYK came from! Wonder what it means! :-)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Speaking of whom — “Hold onto your butts,” which SLJ says in both Jurassic Park and whichever of the Godzilla/Kong movies he was in.

            And also, on repeated quotable lines, “Must go faster,” which Jeff Goldblum says in both Jurassic Park and Independence Day.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Mine from Firefly is immortalized in a meme: “This is what madness feels like.”

    3. Yaris Goldhorn*

      Super niche, from the VLDL DnD channel’s “Adventures in Azerim” campaign series.

      The party went to the house of a wizard, Yaris Goldhorn, and found that the way into his home was for the wizard to yell “Yaris Goldhorn, open up!” which would make one of the outer walls open. One of the party members had taken the actor trait and learned to imitate it, so the episode featured that character yelling that repeatedly.

      Every day when I give my cat his daily pill I kiss him on the nose, say “Yaris Goldhorn, open up!”, pop his mouth open, drop the pill in, and then give him another kiss while I wait for him to swallow it. It’s our weird little routine.

    4. Double A*

      I don’t know if this is a nice combination of words exactly, but Peewee Herman saying, “I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel” pops into my head at least once a week.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Also his read of the line “Good for you and your father.” Get the giggles every time.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Especially in gaming when I’m the GM (because it’s Vin Diesel in Pitch Black and he’d appreciate it), but really just anytime –

      Someone: “How’s it look?”
      Me: “Looks clear.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I also regularly quote (or paraphrase) from West Wing – “You can just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.”

    6. UKDancer*

      Most of Pride and Prejudice but possibly the 1995 miniseries as much as the book because I forget sometimes which bits come from the book and which from the series.

      My mother and I often say to each other “take every opportunity to enjoy yourself” when one or other of us is going out.

      Also when I was decorating and sorting my wardrobe, my mother said to me “shelves in the closet” and I responded “happy thought indeed.”

      We both love that series a lot. I am not entirely thrilled that they’re doing another version of P&P especially if they mess it up like that awful version of Persuasion that came out.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah it just makes me laugh so much.

          I also randomly quote Lord of the Rings sometimes especially when I’m going for a walk, and start singing “the road goes ever on and on” This sometimes surprises other people on the footpath.

          I have also been known to sing the song about “water hot” when I am running my bath because it’s just so evocative. I often wonder if Tolkien thought that one up during the second world war when there was a strong limit on how deep you could run your bath to save water and he was craving a better bath experience. I know he wrote Lord of the Rings over a long period of time and am not sure when he wrote that bit but I do wonder.

        2. Sloanicota*

          That’s funny, my whole family quotes that line specifically. We also tell each other “Lady Catherine will *never know*” when we’re daringly doing … ultimately not very daring things. That miniseries was the best. I know younger people mostly know the Keira Knightly version but it’s the BBC one for me.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      The last lines of an old Sufi poem: “It is very contagious…so kiss me.”

    9. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      From Spaceman, an Adam Sandler movie in which he plays a dark, depressed, lone astronaut regretting his relationship mistakes as he interacts with a giant spiderlike alien. The alien brings him a beverage pouch, saying solemnly, “The hot bean water. It is a ritual.”

      This is now the morning coffee phrase at our house.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      This one is completely stupid, but every time I make popcorn I think of Oscar on Arrested Development going “I was going to share my Pop Secret with you!” and that’s what makes Buster think Oscar is his dad

    11. Geriatric Rocker*

      Mine is from the movie Clue – whenever anybody, real or tv/movie, says, “To cut a long story short…” my response is always, “Too late!”

      And from The Princess Bride, on someone saying goodbye, the response is, “Have fun storming the castle!”.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Also: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

    12. allathian*

      The ending line of one of Arthur C Clarke’s short stories “…and if any of you are still white, we can cure you.” I don’t remember the name of the story or any other details, but every time I hear about a racist incident, I wonder if the world would be a better place without white people in it (probably not much, non-whites are just as capable of being racist as we are). Although TBH I’m not really comfortable reading Clarke anymore given the nasty rumors about his personal life that I’ve read about.

    13. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      From The Divine Invasion by Philip K Dick – one character says “You must put your slippers on, to walk towards the dawn”.
      There is something about it that I find very emotionally moving!

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      I finally thought of some!

      From Blues Brothers: “I’ve always loved you.” Sounds sweet on its own, but with the context it’s a fun joke for me and Husband.

      And of course the immortal: “As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.” Great for any FUBARed situation.

  38. Lurker*

    I am visiting Australia later this year in the first 2 weeks of October. One of the places I really wanna visit is the Koala Park Sanctuary Sydney. Assuming my whole group comes along, it would be 6 adults and one child under 4. How far in advance should I buy the tickets? I know October is many months away but I want to be prepared and plan ahead.

    1. Le lemon lemon*

      Koala Park in Pennant Hills, NSW? Slightly north west of Sydney CBD?
      I think you’d be fine waiting a few weeks out. It’s mostly tourist groups, otherwise the carpark looks empty every time I drive by. (Do google “nsw school holidays 2025” and see if the dates overlap).

      Featherdale Wildlife park & Australian Reptile Park are 2 others that are popular/within an hour of Sydney.

      1. Manders*

        Seconding Featherdale – I went there and it was great (and much cheaper than the zoo).

      2. Lurker*

        Yes, that one! I’ve also been on google maps trying to judge distances and travel times, so I really appreciate the other suggestions! Also-great tip about the school holidays. It looks like the holidays will overlap with my trip a bit, but I’m there for 2 weeks so I could book the tickets for my second week there so they don’t overlap. Thank You!

  39. Who Plays Backgammon?*

    Boy, have I got a problem :) :) :), huh?

    I’m not a shopaholic but sometimes a little retail therapy is fun and lifts my spirits (like a multipack of colorful socks or a cool coffee mug). The sock drawer and the dish cupboard are well-stocked now. Any suggestions for useful, fun, low-cost items that won’t end up just being clutter?

    I anticipate moving to another state in about a year and a half so I’m not spending on anything I’d have to lug along or rehome.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Does your retail therapy have to be non-consumables? You could try fancy teas or coffees, different styles of mustard/hot sauce/other condiments, prowl the food aisles at World Market or some other sort of international grocery store for flavors of chips, crackers, candies.

      1. Who Plays Backgammon?*

        Thanks! I’m 3 miles from our World Market, and we’ve been fast friends since it was Cost Plus. My last trip, I got a british cracker assortment, small jars of different jams, and german soup mix.

        That reminds me, when I move i need to scope out to location of the nearest World Market. Can’t leave a good friend behind!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We specifically don’t go often so it stays a rare treat, but we always always go a couple weeks before Christmas for stocking stuffers :)

        2. Pam Adams*

          Food there is always great retail therapy. I am also a sucker for their Christmas ornaments, which take up very little space.

          1. Who Plays Backgammon?*

            now that i think of it, they’ll have the easter goodies now, maybe marked down already…

    3. Shiny Penny*

      A dear friend taught me the trick of trying to get the ‘retail therapy’ mood boost from hunting for items I will eventually need to buy anyway. My go-to is dog food, because I feed by the “lots of variety” method. There’s lots of research and comparison to do when choosing a new brand to try.
      Waiting in the wings for me is also the next hypoallergenic shampoo and conditioner to switch to, because I need to switch frequently to stay ahead of developing a reaction over time.
      Of course, craft supplies and small hand tools are always “needed” as well!

      1. Who Plays Backgammon?*

        great idea! I also “shop” for off-the-wall movies there and on streaming services.

      2. Clara Bowe*

        +1 Also, order a bunch of stuff through the website for that online shopping hit. I love getting emails when stuff is available and LOVE getting stuff from all over the state.

    5. Yikes Stripes*

      This is perhaps not going to quite fit your need, but if I’m having a bad day and need a bit of a boost I’ll go find the Amazon or Chewy wishlist for one of the cat rescues I follow on Instagram and buy something for them off of it. I save all the points I get from my Amazon card for it, so it doesn’t even really cost me very much to do and it makes me feel incredibly good about helping.

      If you need recommendations for rescues I like that are doing invaluable work I recommend Thrifted Kittens in Milwaukee, Whiskers N Wishes Sanctuary in Tucson, and Poet Square Cats also in Tucson – or, for something related but not cat focused, the Gold Country Wildlife Rescue in Placer County California does amazing amazing work with wild animals in need (frequently including victims of wildfire) and they always need donations.

      1. Who Plays Backgammon?*

        that’s a good idea. i follow a couple of horse rescues but haven’t donated before.

    6. Generic Name*

      Get a dog who loves stuffed toys so much they rip them to shreds within hours or days. Then buy them a stuffed toy when you get the urge to shop, and enjoy watching them play with the toy until it’s destroyed. :)

    7. Lady Danbury*

      Sheet masks, hand creams and lip balms are my cheap little indulgences. I use them all the time, so they don’t become clutter. They’re fun to buy and fun to use, so it’s a double pick me up. I keep hand cream and lip balm everywhere (by the bed, in my purse, in my car, at work, etc), because I use them so often (dry skin problems).

    8. Anono-me*

      Cards and stationary. Find the perfect birthday card for your best friend from third grade or your brother’s 7th wedding etc. anniversary and then send it.

    9. HannahS*

      Food! Go to a specialty store and assemble a fun lil cheeseboard or charcuterie platter or try some exotic fruit. Or go to a bulk store and assemble some fun trail mix.

      Other consumables: small skincare (like sheet masks or trial-sized pots of moisturizer, lipbalms) mini perfume rollers, scented soaps.

    10. Oui oui oui all the way home*

      I like pretty pens and collectible coins from the Canadian mint. The latter I’ve chosen keep their value (or even increase) and they take up only about a cubic inch and a bit if I keep them in the box, or less if I take them out. Plus they have so many options, from flowers to Batman, and more.

    11. Higher-ed Jessica*

      Office supplies! Buy a bunch of fancy shapes and sizes of sticky notes, or whatever else you’ll naturally use up.

    13. amoeba*

      If you ever decide to take up knitting (or similar crafts, I’m sure!), shopping for wool etc is a lot of fun!

    15. And thanks for the coffee*

      My sister used to collect tiny souvenir spoons. They don’t take much space and likely are under $10 US.
      I like to collect the iron on patches (that don’t really iron on). I’m a quilter and imagine putting them on a quilt someday. I have put multiples on jackets.

  40. DJ Abbott*

    I finally found time to read the field manual that was posted some time ago. I don’t know if this is more appropriate for the Friday open thread? If necessary, I’ll move it there. I’ll post the link in a reply. It’s a PDF from World War II, so it’s difficult to read on the phone. Works better on the computer.
    I was struck by the section that begins on page 28. So often we’ve seen letters and comments about people doing these things in our modern workplaces. My manager especially does Number 11.a.2 all the time. I have never seen her answer a question in less than 15 minutes, and her quick meetings are more than an hour because she loves to talk and entertain herself.
    I always assumed these things were happening because the people doing them had personal or work issues, not deliberate sabotage. What do you all think?

    2. Sloanicota*

      I would guess the saboteurs tried to look for natural and yet inefficient things that already exist, because “put dynamite in the break room” is something you can’t get away with repeatedly forever while staying under the radar. So I would guess your boss is naturally inefficient, not that she’s attempting deliberate sabotage.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        And since I read it, I’m wondering how many clueless upper managers, flaky coworkers, etc. are actually cases of sabotage. For whatever their issues or personal or busybody reasons are.
        Especially when I see management that is apparently trying to make a business fail. For a tax break? I’ve seen that a couple of times – one is currently in a business adjacent to ours – and that’s the only reason I could think of.
        In the other case ~20 years ago, The branch of the business that had been brought down by managers was sold to another company.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I’ve certainly seen it it in real estate, where the property managers want to drive out all the tenants so they can sell the building for more money. And I guess there’s “The Producers” and similar stories in the arts. But in general we don’t need to attribute incompetence to malice.

          1. DJ Abbott*

            Oh, so that’s why! We’ve all been wondering what this building’s management is doing, driving out tenants. I did not know a building is more valuable without tenants. Thanks!

    3. fhqwhgads*

      It’s both. It wouldn’t work as subtle sabotage if there weren’t some people who just do it because that’s their personality. I have no idea which your manager is though.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I thought about it after I read this and I don’t think she’s sabotaging. The main part of our work is helping people and I think she is honestly trying to do that.
        But she always thinks she knows best, and doesn’t check the facts to see if she actually does. Sometimes in complex cases, this causes her to make it harder for our clients. I would not be surprised if she gets in trouble for this one day.

    4. Maryn*

      I think it’s fairly common for people to speechify at length without it being an attempt to sabotage. My husband does a volunteer gig and like you, he says a meeting that could have been ten minutes runs an hour while the boss goes all over the place. Because it’s volunteers, this causes some people to quit.

      Still, it’s a valuable document to have on hand. I read the whole thing and saw lots of techniques that people I know could put to good use if they were of a mind to. Appearing incompetent when you’re not is almost an art, no?

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Yes, definitely! And the parts about acting stupid. Or, since everyone knows I’m not stupid, I would have to act like I had a momentary lapse, or was distracted, or misunderstood.. :)

    5. RagingADHD*

      Is your job even related to something that would make a difference if it were sabotaged? Not all jobs are, by any means.

      Just generally contributing to the enshittification of everything isn’t a blow against fascism.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Yeah, my work contributes net good. I’m trying to be extra good at anything that involves contacting federal staff right now because it’s not their fault, and I thank them for their service in a way I didn’t bother to do before it all went to hell.

      2. DJ Abbott*

        Hmm. It’s a local government financial office where we help people with their long-term finances.
        So sabotage would definitely hurt our clients, affecting the money they live on. Would sabotage make a difference in the national situation or war? Unless there were some unusual details, probably the only difference it would make is bringing the general population further down and making more people desperate and homeless.
        Since that does seem to be one of the goals of the ruling party, it might be pertinent. Hmm.

    6. DJ Abbott*

      I’m sorry if my replies are a little late. I thought the page was refreshing but it was not, so I didn’t see replies until now.

  41. Pro Bonobo*

    There are two kinds of people, and they hang out together: Those who _____, and those who opposite _____.

    Complete the sentence in the comments. (Low stakes and amusing, please.)

    For example, those who say, “Ready to go?” and walk out the door, and those who say “Ready to go!” and it’s another 30 minutes.

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      Those who finish their meal in 10 minutes, and those who take…much longer. These people live together in our household! :)

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        We had both kinds in our family, too, until the kids grew up and moved out. But we had a jackrabbit kid who would scarf down a meal and be off to more exciting stuff, and a foodie who loved to savor the food and enjoy conversation.
        Life got better when we as parents stopped trying to get mealtimes where we all stopped and finished at the same time and switched to just starting together and letting people move on when they were done.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Those who say in a conversation “well, I’ll let you go” and then they hang up (or otherwise end the conversation), and those who say “well, I’ll let you go” and then remember seven more things they meant to ask or tell you.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Those who think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don’t.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Those who go to the grocery store with a solid idea of what to buy, and those who wing it. And they live together.

      1. allathian*

        Ha, I’m both. I need to make a list because if it’s not on the list, I’ll probably forget to buy it. But I’ll also buy off the list if I see something tempting. To be fair, we’re comfortable enough financially that we don’t need to watch the pennies when we shop.

    5. Hello, it's me*

      Those who love the heat, and those who want the windows open all winter. Anything below 70° makes my teeth chatter. Dated someone who was sure I’d love ice fishing if I’d just give it a try. No, no, I really won’t.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Right here. I am not happy under 70 degrees F, husband is not happy over 65. He never joins me in Florida for my dad’s July birthday. :)

    6. Hypatia*

      Those who like to be 15 minutes early, and those who breeze in 5 minutes late. ( I am the former, married to the latter!)

      1. allathian*

        How do you stay married to him? I’m an on time is late kind of person and I’ve ended friendships because the frustration of dealing with the friend’s constant lateness killed all the joy I got out of hanging out with them.

        1. Sloanicota*

          5 minutes is okay; I can mentally adjust. But I have some friends who are pretty frequently 30-minutes-plus late, and they have a sort of “take it or leave it” attitude, and I generally prefer to leave it. I have a limited number of things I’m willing to do with them and they’re all “I’ll be here, drop in or don’t” style.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, this. Five or even ten minutes is still okay, but not 30. I’m rather sorry that the one friend I broke up with only wanted to hang out with me solo. She wasn’t interested in group settings with my other friends. I have another friend who’s also often late, but I’ve solved that by only hanging out with her in group settings.

    9. Angstrom*

      Big-breakfast people and “just coffee” people.

      There are also the people who like a breakfast that wakes them up(Green chile breakfast burritos! Yay! Where’s the hot sauce?)and the ones who want their breakfast to just lie there quietly(Toast is fine, thanks).

    10. dapfloodle*

      I used to think it was people who see the (non-analog) clock change times, and people who don’t.

  42. Geriatric Rocker*

    Not mine, amuses me.

    There Are Two Types Of People in this world: those who can extrapolate incomplete data.

  43. Chauncy Gardener*

    There are woven cotton blankets that are lovely in the summer. Some weight, but not a lot of heat.

  44. Bike Walk Bake Books*

    Recommendations for a decent drugstore-priced light moisturizer with sunscreen for mature skin? I used to use Lubriderm’s light daily moisturizer that had SPF 15, I think, but they stopped the SPF. I liked it because my skin felt soft but not like it had an oily product sitting on top of it. I don’t like really greasy stuff after years of teenage oily skin. Right now I’m using some Olay product or other but it doesn’t have sunscreen and it leaves me feeling a bit gunky.

    1. Just a name*

      I like Neutrogena Hydro Boost Hyaluronic Acid Moisturizer SPF 50. Have been using it for a few years now.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I hate the feeling of product on my face and use CeraVe Ultra Light Moisturizing Lotion (there’s a very similar one that’s NOT the same and feels much thicker, it’s specifically the one called Ultra Light). It’s SPF 30 and the only facial moisturizer I’ve found that I actually like

    3. Sunflower*

      I used to use Aveeno Positively Radiant but they recently changed all their formulas and they are so watery now. Walmart/Equate has a generic that i pretty darn close to the OG Aveeno formula- it’s called Naturally Beaming lol. i also second the Neurogena Hydroboost recommended above.

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Neutrogena is my reliable “doesn’t feel so sticky I don’t want to bother” sunscreen.

    6. Double A*

      You’ll have to order it, but Drmtlgy’s universal tint moisturizing SPF 46. I don’t love many products but I love this. The tint is super light but does just blur some imperfections. Goes on light and moisturizes. The regular formula has a little bit of a sheen that I like but they have a matte formula that I haven’t tried. Doesn’t feel greasy at all. In fact it’s a pleasure to put on every day. It’s about $23 with a discount which is pretty much always available.

  45. Elizabeth West*

    It’s tornado season in the Midwest, and Missouri is particularly getting slammed this year with severe weather. I’m really glad to be living somewhere tornadoes are very infrequent and, when they do happen, tiny. We don’t even have sirens here that I’m aware of. I also don’t have to worry about severe weather in the middle of December — I literally have a video I took of an inflatable Christmas bear across the street from my old house blowing back and forth during a tornado warning. You can hear the siren in the background.

    I love storms, when they’re not full of tornadoes and don’t drop those loud sudden cracks of thunder on you. I sort of miss them, but not enough to move back, lol. The rumbly thunder and the sound of heavy rain on the roof is very comforting. It gets all dark and cozy and cool. It’s perfect weather to lie down and relax (assuming you’re not at work) and just listen, or even have a nap.

    What is your favorite kind of weather, and what do you like to do in it?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I enjoy somewhat-extreme weather – good, noisy thunderstorms can be a lot of fun, but the hurricanes and tornados just get scary.

      For the thunderstorms, I like to sit where I can see the flashes while sipping some nice hot tea. For rainstorms, it’s comforting just to listen to the sound of the falling rain… and sometimes to nod off to it, especially if the cats are cozying up to me.

      A good snowstorm can also be enjoyable, though for me that often turns into a major sleep-fest: something about the change in pressure that brings the storm front through, plus the quiet as the snow muffles everything, just puts me right to sleep.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Ooh, I agree…I like a good rain storm with lots of deep rumbles but no GIGANTIC SCARY BOOMS THAT SHAKE THE HOUSE and a nice, steady, rain. I don’t mind the occasional blizzard (one per year suits me fine) – it was always fun when the kids had a day off due to a blizzard (we lived in North Dakota then), and we made cookies and cocoa and enjoyed our day off!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I hate those booms!
        I don’t mind winter storms as long as there is no ice and I don’t have to worry about the power going out.

    4. allathian*

      There’s nothing quite like the relief of a thunderstorm after a heatwave.

      The summer I was 16, my last summer not working, my sister and I spent a month at my grandma’s with some cousins. There was a heatwave, and when it finally broke, we put on our bikinis and swimming trunks and danced barefoot in the rain even while we could hear the thunder in the distance. I’ve never felt such simple, pure joie de vivre since then.

      Now my favorite weather, as long as I can sit in the shade and sip sparkling flavored water or iced coffee, is sunny, with a light breeze and about 27 C/80.6 F. Any hotter than that and I wilt. If I need to do anything more strenuous outside than take out the trash, I prefer no hotter than 22 C/71.6 F.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Thunderstorms are my favourite part of summer! Watching those purple clouds roll in and then getting soaked in the warm, heavy rain and the absolute relief after a gasping hot day is just amazing, for me and all the local birds and frogs

      2. Teacher Lady*

        I also enjoy a rainstorm or thunderstorm that breaks the heat. (Conversely, there is maybe nothing more heart-breaking, weather-wise, than stepping outside after a summer rainstorm to find that it is *still* unbearably hot *and* that the humidity is now 98%.)

      3. Elizabeth West*

        My mom would let us play in the rain as long as there was no thunder. We loved that. It’s a very treasured memory from my childhood. :3

        It was super nice today. Right now it’s 18 C/ 64 F, and a little windy (there’s a fire weather watch), but it’s PERFECT. Not too hot, and not cold either. I’m glad to be on the top floor for the light, but the heat — gah! Yesterday it got up to around 80 and my apartment was boiling, ugh. I haven’t turned the AC on yet and I don’t want to unless I have to. So today I opened windows and let the cool breeze blow through. Ahhhh, so much better.

        My skinny tower fan died and I need another one so I can blow the AC air into the bedroom at night. I got one at Job Lot, but it was trash and I had to take it back. I might splash out for a better brand.

    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Fall, after it’s gotten cold enough to kill off a bunch of the bugs. Then I like hiking in the woods (New England).

      Much less pleasant when you have to do the hikers’ salute of constantly waving your arm in front of your face to try to avoid breathing midges.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I wanna hike in New England *cries in another bad knee* I was looking forward to trying new winter sports, but nooooooooo. D’:

        I want to go leaf peeping this year too. I missed out the last two! I need someone to go with; it’s no fun doing stuff like that by yourself.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      Nice crisp and sunny fall day (here that means in the 60s). Just like to go somewhere outside.
      Also, not quite weather, but I love the early dark in the winter. Feels seasonal.
      I’ve been through numerous hurricanes, derecho, floods, torrential downpour, etc, with various unpleasant consequences, and thunderstorms and strong rain set me on edge.

      1. allathian*

        Interesting that you notice the longer nights at your latitude. I’m at 60 N and here the difference’s huge, 5 hours between sunrise and sunset around winter solstice, and 5 hours between sunset and sunrise around summer solstice when it never gets completely dark.

    7. dreamofwinter*

      I also enjoy a good thunderstorm, preferably with minimal wind.

      Living in Maine as I do, though, I think my absolute favorite is heavy snow, the kind where you give up on all outside activities and accept that the best plan is to sit on the couch with a hot drink, wrapped in a blanket in front of the fire, and just watch it fall. Again, this is best with little to no wind!

      3. One Foot in Sea*

        Only thing better is being at Saddleback or Sugarloaf in these conditions. Even if the drive home is… hairy.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I love chilly autumn days, whether it they are sunny or cloudy. I love it when it snows, especially at night when clouds are low and everything takes on a milky white fluorescent glow. The snow and the clouds seem to reflect the light. I enjoy going for walks in the show when everything is lit up by the snow and the clouds. I love rainy days. Where I live right now, it does rain frequently, but they are short little downpours. I like it when it might rain steadily for several days in a row and I miss those kinds of “rained all week” storms. I love to walk with my umbrella in the rain. When I’m home, I like to sit by the window with a cup of tea and look out at the rain or the snow, sometimes in the night.

    9. Girasol*

      I love a good thunderstorm but my favorite is the first good snowfall of winter. By February I’m heartily tired of snow but that first snow fall is magic.

    10. And thanks for the coffee*

      I love storms too-rain, lightning, and thunder. When I’m safe inside. I have been in some thunderstorms while camping (in a tent), and they can be scary. Rain is fine.

  46. WoodswomanWrites, camping/hiking food suggestions*

    I referenced a three-week road trip to the US southwest recently, and I’m leaving this week. Folks who camp and hike, I’m in a food rut and I’d love your suggestions for snacks/lunches I can put in my pack for hiking when out for hours at a time.

    A few things. Protein is good. I’m a pescatarian (or as my mother calls me, a vegaquarian). I enjoy peanut butter and jelly on bread, but I can’t stomach peanut butter with anything else and peanuts themselves have to be well camouflaged. I love apples but need to minimize amounts to avoid triggering a sensitivity.

    I’m not backpacking so weight isn’t an issue and I can keep things in a cooler with ice for a few days. The weather will be in the 60-70ish F range with nights in the 30s-40s.

    Help me out here please so I can walk into a grocery store and stock up on food that I’ll actually find appealing.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Wraps made on tortillas – lunch meat and cheese.

      Hard boiled eggs.

      Mozzarella sticks or just chunks of cheese.

      Fish in a pouch (tuna, salmon) and some crackers.

      Dried fruit.

      Homemade trail mix with ingredients you enjoy.

    2. Little Miss Helpful*

      -Hard-boiled eggs
      -string cheese
      -edamame
      -hummus & veggies
      -tuna comes in various types of packaging like foil pouches etc that might suit your needs
      -apparently tinned fish is having a moment

    3. Still*

      Others have great suggestions but I just wanted to say: consider how much time is likely to pass between eating lunch and being able to brush your teeth. Canned fish and boiled eggs are great, but they have a song aftertaste that you might or might not be okay with for a longer stretch of time.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I carry a toddler size toothbrush and a tiny tube of toothpaste (from hotel room convenience packs) for that very reason :)

        Mint chewing gum is an acceptable alternative in an emergency.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Can you tolerate other kinds of nut butters? I’ve seen little packets of almond butter at supermarkets, a good size for a snack.

      I’ve also seen various types of fish jerky out there – haven’t tried it myself but it might work for your situation. (I do like smoked fish – mackerel, trout… maybe make up some little sliders?)

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      This suggestion involves an oven so it may not work while on a trip, but I love baked chickpeas with various spices. Minimalist Baker has a recipe for Actually Crispy Roasted Chickpeas and there are plenty of versions online. When I travel I like to get spice mixes as a souvenir and in the Southwest you’ll have tons of flavorful options.

      Commercial versions of popped/dried edamame and other legumes and grains also come to mind as a good option with some staying power.

      Smoked salmon with some kind of cheese and crackers would be good, although salty. Or instead of the cheese, a savory jam like tomato jam.

      I found a mushroom jerky that’s delicious and now make it at home. Portabello or shiitake mushrooms make nice chewy strips but you can do it with smaller mushrooms too. Again, maybe on the salty side depending on how you make it. Not a ton of staying power in terms of calories to fuel the hike, but crunchy and a change of pace.

      Field Roast or Tofurkey Italian sausages (or another of their flavors), on their own or rolled up in a wrap with other things like bell pepper strips, spinach, other veggies. I’ve cooked them and eaten them like hot dogs in a bun. You could also slice crossways and fry/saute, carry in a pouch, eat a few slices when you feel like it.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      Scrambled eggs with vegetables and cheese wrapped in tortillas and the foil. These can easily be heated on a grill.
      Hope you have a super trip!

    7. Girasol*

      Do you eat cheese? One of my favorite hiking lunches is cheese, raw veggies, an apple, and some nuts. All that will do pretty well if lunch gets too warm in your day pack.

    8. Manders*

      Many of these suggestions are great, but I’m just here to say that I will be using “vegaquarian” from now on :). Have fun!

    9. hummingbird*

      Pizza lol I did that once when I wasn’t sure what to pack that would last outside for hours and that I wouldn’t have to touch with bare hands. Everyone laughed. Just made me more determined to use that for my light lunch (except I haven’t been a longer hike like that since).

      Sunflower seed butter instead of PB?

      PB with celery, bananas, dried fruit, veggie wraps with hummus and pre-cut peppers, mushrooms, spinach etc, egg bites (scrambled eggs made in muffin tins with veggies), mason jar salads, gazpacho, soba noodles, onigri (rice balls),couscous salad, baked sweet potato (I think this would taste ok room temp), mozzarella and pesto grilled sandwich, energy bites by Minimalist Baker, chickpea + dressing sandwich.

    11. And thanks for the coffee*

      I like the tuna salad in small foil packs. There are a variety of versions, but an easy way to carry protein. I do bicycle tours. Sometimes I’m too tired to go out to dinner. I try to keep these things on my bike so I can always have a meal: Tuna packets, Cheezits (I often need a salty snack), dried apricots or trail mix of some kind, bagel from the hotel morning breakfast, powdered Gatorade packets (to mix with water), a sturdy plastic fork and knife.

  47. Chronic*

    Hi! I’m chronically ill and I’m wondering if folks here have advice on just like… coping with the never-ending nature of it? I have some close friends who provide support but it feels different to rely on them all the time versus if it was just every once in a while. Trying to work with my doctors to find some better solutions for managing it but I don’t know how long that’s going to take and I’m just emotionally exhausted.

    (No religious advice, please.)

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
      I have a couple of friends who have various permanent issues. They all go to different support groups- pain management, cancer, etc
      Can you ask your doctor or hospital if they have these types of groups? Or maybe start one via Meetup or something?
      Good luck!

      1. Chronic*

        I like that idea. I’m not sure how workable it would be because I don’t have a specific diagnosis but I guess I can ask my doctor?

        1. Strive to Excel*

          Chances are there’s a group in your area for “chronic illness, nonspecific”. If you’ve got a therapist that’s a good person to ask too. I’d recommend looking for something that’s at least partially moderated. Sometimes groups can doom-spiral in ways that are very hard for everyone involved, and having someone with therapist training or moderator training involved can be a big help.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Both my partner and I have illnesses that are forever, but his is significantly more serious and the over was quite sudden, unexpected, and dramatic. He just can be stable, never better. Mine was coming, and I can maintain it with effort. You need to let yourself grieve. For things you cannot do anymore, for the things you now have to do for the rest of your life, etc. It’s ok to not be ok and always fighting.

      1. Chronic*

        Thank you. Maybe I’ve focused too much on trying to make myself okay with it. I appreciate the reminder that I can feel bad and that’s not necessarily a problem to be fixed but just something natural.

    3. LGP*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m also chronically ill (as yet undiagnosed), and yeah it just sucks.
      Something that helps me is watching content from other chronically ill people. My favorite is Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on YouTube. She has lots of videos about the various aspects of being chronically ill and disabled, such as the difficulty of living without a diagnosis, why it’s okay to not love your body, and what not to say to a chronically ill person. One of her videos is called “Chronic illness doesn’t get better…and that’s ok,” which might be of interest to you. I’ll leave a link to it in a separate comment.
      Good luck. I hope your doctors can help you find some answers!

    4. Mephyle*

      There are therapists who specialize in exactly helping with this. Although I don’t know how you find one.

  48. Struggling*

    How do you handle temptation when you’re married?

    Overall, I am happily married woman. I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband is a wonderful man. We are best friends. The only problem is that our physical relationship is really lacking.

    I have never strayed (or even been tempted really) by other men. However, I have found myself super tempted by a man that I met. He makes me laugh, he’s sweet, we have a lot in common and he’s my type physically. He’s constantly trying to impress me. He knows I’m married, because I talk about my husband constantly. He’s 10+ years younger than me and single. We definitely hit it off and had a spark.

    We met in a professional setting and worked together on a short-term project. It is highly unlikely that we will see each other again unless we intentionally meet up.

    To be clear, I have no plans on acting on these feelings. I am trying my best to figure out the root of my issues. He’s on my mind constantly. I have dreams about him (not physical type of dreams), but dreams where he is in my life, if that makes sense.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I picked up two sayings from older friends in happy, successful marriages that have been very good for my own:

      1) it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat dinner at home.

      2) you can’t stop the birds from flying around your head, but you don’t have to let them make nests in your hair.

      They are both about where you choose to invest your energy, because that’s what matters. It is perfectly normal and very common to feel attraction or even get crushes on others. That in itself isn’t necessarily a sign that there’s anything wrong in your marriage.

      But sometimes crushes can reveal what we feel we’re missing – whether that be attention, or good conversations, or a physical spark. Usually in these situations, we’re projecting onto the blank slate of an imaginary relationship. The crush-ee becomes an avatar of the thing we want in our marriage. And you mentioned you do feel a lack in your physical relationship.

      Is there anything you can do to invest that emotional energy back into your marriage and work on the physical connection? Being intentional about intimacy and discussing what you might need to change always feels kind of cringey and forced at first, but when the emotional connection is sound, the effort tends to pay off really well.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I totally agree that a crush can be a sign of what’s missing and that if you get comfortable working on the physical side of your relationship (if that’s possible) so that your needs and desires get met with your sweetie, the crush may just die a natural death.

        Or, maybe your sweetie cannot/will not work on those issues with you and it turns out to be a dealbreaker for you?

        But in either case, it is certainly worth trying to communicate and get your needs met in your relationship first. And maybe it will lead to you two feeling even closer?

    2. Sloanicota*

      So, in my experience, these things need a lot of sunlight. The shame and secrecy is part of what makes it sexy. First, I would find a way to openly talk about this guy with your husband, including your feelings, and see if you can use it to get deeper in love with him (your husband) by seeking out whatever it is you feel you’re missing that this guy gives you. Second, make sure you don’t put yourself in situations where anything might “just happen” with this guy. No one on ones etc, always groups. There are also mental tricks for falling out of love, I think it’s about picturing this person doing unsexy everyday things and being as irritating as anyone else would if you saw more of them. Picture him pouting about doing the dishes and dragging his feet until you do them for him; picture him smacking his teeth or whatever body things gross you out.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I was mooning over an old coworker once upon a time (he was really, REALLY cute; I would have risked it all to run my fingers through his gorgeous hair and do bad things in the supply closet), but then I overheard him say he never washed out his water bottle.

        BLUUUUUUUGGGGCHHHHHHHH

        That did it.

        1. Life Resets At 65*

          There was a guy I really liked until he told me how much he liked Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal.” Can’t unring that bell and I can barely even look at him now.

      2. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I disagree about telling your husband. You haven’t acted on your feelings for the other man, and telling him will just make him jealous. I’m sort of in the same situation now: I’m happily married and I recently developed feelings for another man. He was one of my cast members in a recent community theater production, and I haven’t seen him or heard from him since the final performance Still, I can’t stop thinking about him!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I dunno about jealous per se, but if my husband came to me and started telling me about this other person he’d been hanging out with and the feelings he had for them, I would definitely be hurt and angry. My inner David Attenborough would quietly note that it was probably a positive sign that he was comfortable telling me that and in the long term I might even agree, but it would not be a conversation that would go anywhere positive in the short term.

          1. allathian*

            I definitely don’t want to know about any crushes that my husband may have, and I don’t want to take the risk of hurting his feelings by telling him about mine.

        2. ThatGirl*

          It really depends on the spouse, my husband would not mind at all, but some definitely would.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I like the suggestion about using cognitive tricks to undo the obsessive thoughts. There’s literally a book about how to train yourself to not have a crush on someone anymore — Deborah Phillips’s *How to Fall Out of Love*

    3. supply closet badger*

      Sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t have much direct experience but I wanted to reply because your question made me think of Esther Perel’s podcast ‘Where should we begin?’, where she (a therapist) counsels many different people, mainly on relationship issues (romantic, family, friend, work). I find the sessions usually really insightful and illuminating to listen to. I wonder if there is a story similar to yours in the back catalogue?

      Her book called ‘Mating in Captivity’ might also help you with thinking through the issues you’re having with the physical side of your marriage? Good luck!

      1. Angstrom*

        I think there’s a lot of truth in her theory that “Most affairs are not about wanting to be with someone else. Thay are about wanting to be someone else.” So who are you when you’re with this guy — or when you imagine yourself with him? How can you be that person in your marriage?

        On a different note, something that’s helped me deal with crushes is the infinite parallel universe idea. Somewhere my crush and I are having a fine time together, but it’s not here and now. I think that takes some of the “forbidden” allure away — it’s ok to think about if it’s in another dimension.

    4. Joey*

      I just read about a guy who broke up with his partner for his coworker. When he approached his coworker, he found out she was not interested in him at all. Now imagine your crush thinks you’re an old lady and he’s just trying to network with you for business purposes. Don’t be a fool.

    6. ScottW*

      Without getting into personal details, can I suggest that he might be into you because he knows you’re not really available? Or that he knows you’re not super happy in your marriage and he likes the attention? Sorry to be so cynical but I’ve seen it. His behavior doesn’t mean that he really wants you, just that he’s enjoying the interplay. Take the mental/emotional energy you’re using on this guy and use it with your husband. The payoff is likely to be much better. I know three people who have left spouses specifically for someone they had a crush on, and the new relationship blew up for every single one, at which point they tried to go back to their spouse and the spouse was long gone. This other relationship is just an illusion. Figure out how to fix what you’ve got.

  49. Songbird121*

    Any advice for surviving long haul flights in economy (totally cannot afford business class)? I have only even done one 8 hour red eye. This trip is 13 hours the first leg, a 9 hour layover in a place I know people and can use their apartment or do an activity, then a 9 hour leg. The return is 9 hours, 3 hour layover, then the 13 hours.

    Any suggestions for gadgets, preparations or in flight actions (stretching, or whatever), things to request, etc that might make this less miserable. I am hoping to sleep through at least some of the flights. I also have restless leg syndrome (which I didn’t have for the one previous long flight) so sitting for long periods can get dicey.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      My personal longest record is 12 + 4.
      If you can, pick/pay for the seat you want beforehand, with your legs issues – the Isle. Probably wear the compression socks. Get a change of socks! Maybe even a change of a T-shirt, because you’ll feel gross. Don’t drink alcohol. Eye mask, ear plugs. Toothpaste and toothbrush, because see: feeling gross.
      Preload movies on your devices, although I think most airlines now post online their programming, so you might find what to watch.

      1. Manders*

        I second the compression socks. And wash your face/brush your teeth before each leg. Walk around a bit when you can.

      2. Just a name*

        Download the airline’s app. Some require it to watch the entertainment since the seats don’t have screens. For sleeping I have noise cancelling headphones that I use with a white noise app. Sleep mask. I like the Turtle (brand trtl ) neck support instead of a pillow. Snacks. A refillable water bottle that you fill after security. NyQuil if you are going to sleep. Something warm to wrap up in or wear because it can get chilly at altitude. Any meds you might need. I have a very handy pouch that you can slide over the tray table that has a lot more room than the backseat pocket. It’s called airplane pocket on Amazon. I get ear pain, so I use Flents Ear Plugs, Flite Mate Pressure-Reducing Earplugs. They really work. Good luck! My last 13 hour flight was overnight, so I slept for a lot of it. We departed at 2 am so the hard part was staying awake until then.

    2. Reba*

      Noise canceling over-ear headphones. Neck pillow that you can tolerate, I usually use the provided pillow as a lumbar/back cushion. On some (not all) airlines, if you request a special meal you get served it first before the rest of the cabin. If the flight is taking off in the evening, I try to eat and the get to sleep, or at least into “rest mode” as quickly as possible. Bring water and snacks, and know that you can often get additional water or drinks and snacks in the galleys when you get up and walk around, which you should do frequently. Periodically doing seated stretches (chair yoga) is *really* helpful to me. If you like to roll your muscles bring a ball to use on your layover.
      I load up books on my e reader and often read rather than watch movies. I try to only use the screen if sleep feels totally hopeless. With the 13 hrs you can watch a whole series though :)
      If possible book your hotel for the night before or however it works out so that you can check in right when you arrive.

      1. Just a name*

        We booked our hotel for the previous night for Iceland. Arrived early morning and got to the hotel in time for the included breakfast then rested a bit before exploring. Life changing.

    3. Blue wall*

      I had these flights a few months ago. Wish I could have paid for business, alas. But I did pay for extra leg room, which was def needed bc I’m tall. I played a lot of bejeweled blitz on the flight entertainment system. Bc of motion sickness, even with heavy dosing of Dramamine I can’t read much. I slept on and off on the flights. I think your plan to leave the airport during your long layover is a good one; I ended up sleeping on some chairs in a terminal and paying too much for water in my nine hour layover. Wash your face body teeth etc as much as you can to feel fresh. Drink the planes bottled water bc it’s free.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Compression socks
      Extra leg room if you can afford it, then select a window seat to lean against and sleep
      OR aisle seat if you can’t get the extra legroom
      Brush teeth, put on sweats/jammies, remove shoes at the start of the flight
      Sleep meds if you’re willing to take them
      Good headphones
      Sleep mask if you like that. I throw a lightweight shawl over my head instead
      If you get chilly easily, thick socks to wear over the compression socks, coat or jacket to use as a blanket
      Easy snacks, water
      Quiet entertainment
      If you get cramped easily, bring an elastic exercise band and do some gentle stretches near the galley if you need to
      I don’t bring a pillow and many airlines provide a small one, but bring something you can roll up and rest your head on or bring a pillow

    5. WS*

      Look up DVT prevention flight exercises. I also have restless legs but they were not so bad on a flight as they are at night, plus the exercises helped.

    6. hummingbird*

      I think I’d go for the aisle seat so you can get up and stand/stretch when needed. My sister uses the turtl (sp) neck wrap for sleeping.

      Melatonin or something stronger to help you sleep.

      Find a comfy outfit. I used to wear a maxi skirt but switch to wide leg pants (I just gather the legs up when headed to the lav). Also head toward the premium economy lav if you can, it’s typically larger, On that note, can you afford to upgrade to PE? I do not find leggings to be comfortable for hours but if you do maybe invest in compression ones? I also wear layers on top. Whatever top and a long sleeve T-shirt. Maybe something warmer though. I usually fly business on long hauls because I am traveling for work. If you’re female, I have used a panty liners and then changed them to help feel a little fresher.

      Possibly a powder electrolyte to add to water, even Pedialyte. I usually bring snacks.

      Download some phone games. I play World Wow and 1010 (like tetris), lots of music. Maybe pen and paper to write down lists or journal or a note taking app or even draft email. Actually, I bring a pen for the countries that have paper custom forms.

      have a great flight/trip!

      I usually bring wet wipes.

    7. Anono-me*

      You cannot assume that everything will
      work perfectly. Please bring printouts all of your flight information, all of your emergency contacts, jacket/sweater and a big book (I love to bring an old Readers Digest condensed 4 novels. ).

      Wear shoes that are easy to discreetly slip off and on so you can do foot exercises. Then do little foot exercises like write the alphabet with your big toe.

      I find high potassium foods like bananas help with tight muscles.

      Also it would be good to bring mouthwash tabs, anti-motionsickness pills, a granola bar (or similar), ear plugs, hand sanitizer wipes, tissues and a scarf.

      Here are the reasons behind my suggestions:
      I’ve seen people whose phone malfunctioned and couldn’t access their flight information or call someone for help. I’ve been on a plane with the AC stuck on super cold at full blast and more than once with a malfunctioning entertainment center.
      I find the air in planes give me drymouth, but don’t like to bring extra liquid if I don’t have to. If there is turbulence, I do like having something for motion sickness in case it gets bad. But if the turbulence doesn’t get bad, food service still might get stopped . I always wipe down the high touch areas around my seat and occasionally wipe down my hands. The earplugs and scarf can help you block out noise to sleep.

      If you are flying in the USA in May or June, please consider allowing additional time for delays due to the new ID requirements.

      I hope you have an easy journey and that your visit goes better than expected.

    8. Bay*

      I fly 10-14 hour flights fairly often, always in economy. Tall and usually can’t pay to choose seats. My tips:

      US culture around melatonin is way higher doses than what makes sense. I find 1.5-2mg to be great, same effects as 5mg but less groggy. Take it at the bedtime of the new place regardless of whether you think you can sleep on the plane or not, it helps the internal clock figure things out faster.

      Do youtube yoga at home every day or at least 15 minutes of stretching for the week or more before your flight. You will be infinitely more comfortable and much more likely to sleep well without so many aches.

      Look at maps and read about the layover airport before you get there. Most airports have treasures of some kind, whether it’s out-of-the way food courts, gardens, showers, drinking fountains, etc, but only if you know where to look. a paper map can help with smooth connections. some airports are just hell, though (Frankfurt).

      I only play games on flights, and not in my normal life, so I can get utterly submerged in sudoku or puzzle games for hours.

      Choose very fun books that don’t require thinking, it’s impossible (for me) to think on planes. If you can, stock up on downloaded audiobooks and podcasts. Knitting or embroidery are also great. Nail clippers work to snip threads/yarn.

      My jetlag is infinitely better if I manage not to get dehydrated, but unfortunately this requires a ton of liquids. I usually carry 3-5 liters of various things on long-haul flights if I can– the tiny cups from the flight attendants will never do it. Masking also helps mitigate the dry dry air, I use a silk one to reduce irritation on my skin.

      Try not to think about how long it is. We’re so helpless on planes: the more I surrender to the process the more I relax, and the long hours blur together and it never seems so bad in retrospect.

      Put a little bag of the essentials in the top of your carry-on so you can easily pull it out when you get to your seat, before stowing the main bag in the bin. Only keep the things you’ll want during the flight with you, foot space is precious.

      If I actually manage to stay hydrated in that dry air and need to go to the restroom more than once, I know the jetlag will be less and I get chances to stretch extra while standing = winning!

    9. And thanks for the coffee*

      I’m very short so my feet don’t reach the floor in many seats. My sister always has a collapsible footrest that she takes with her on trips. I got one and it helps. You could use it just to change leg and foot positions through your flight. When open looks something like this, but turned upside down: |___|. Two short legs and the top to put your feet on.

  50. Just a name*

    Late question re: volunteering at a small local educational institution. It is part of a larger university system. There are volunteer opportunities in a visitor center and a research library. I’ve never worked or volunteered in an academic setting but I do have a lot of experience working with government PhD researchers (in the patent field). I’d likely not want to work greeting visitors, but was wondering if there are a potential pitfalls I might not be anticipating.

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