my friend hired me but isn’t paying what we agreed, we get free food as “appreciation” but I can’t eat any of it, and more

by Alison Green on April 29, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My friend hired me but isn’t paying me what we agreed

A friend of mine recently started a business, and I happened to be the perfect candidate for the job because it’s a very specific niche. I was working for someone else, and she asked me to work for her. I would be getting paid the same amount and working the same hours, so I agreed to work for her. Unfortunately, she hasn’t been holding up her end of the deal with pay, and the hours are way different than we initially discussed. The first few months I was understanding because business started slow, but months later I’m finding that nothing is changing. I also am finding I’m helping her in many ways that take up my time and are basically free for her because I’m a friend.

I want to know how to approach this situation and bring it up to her without ruining the friendship entirely and burning a bridge. I can’t keep going like this because not only am I not making nearly what I thought I would as we discussed, but I also am putting a lot of time into helping grow her business, which I was happy to help with but I’m starting to feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

My previous job was an established place and usually very busy. I was paid the same amount every day even if it wasn’t fully booked. My friend said she would pay me the same per day, but somewhere along the way she changed that without discussing it with me. In the beginning I understood that with only a booking or two in a day, she couldn’t pay me the full amount per day. But recently it’s gotten very busy and even on days we worked all day, she would pay me half or a fraction of what we said. I’m there sometimes 8-9 hours and getting paid nearly nothing, plus doing extra tasks.

I want to tell her that if she doesn’t have the ability to pay me the full amount if she’s struggling that I just show up and do individual bookings for a fee each. But I don’t know if that’s out of line. I hate to make it about money, but I’m getting so tired. I work two jobs and it’s starting to interfere with my other job and this one I do on the weekends, so if I’m going to trade my time to work I want to make it worth it for me.

You say you’d hate to make it about money, but it is about money. She lured you away from another job with an agreement about money that she has failed to uphold. It’s okay to be honest that the money matters! Friend or not, the agreement was never that you’d work for free; the agreement was that you’d leave another job to help her in exchange for an agreed-upon amount of money.

Say this to her: “I tried to be flexible when you were just starting out, but I was only able to leave my other job because we agreed that I’d be paid $X. With that not happening, I can’t make this work financially and need to find other work, so I’m not going to be able to keep coming in.” If you’re truly wiling to just do individual bookings (and aren’t just looking for something to placate her), you could add, “I’d be able to just come in for individual bookings if we stuck to a per-booking fee, but that’s the most I can do with our current set-up.” (But also, are you really willing to do that? It sounds like it would prevent you from finding another weekend job. It’s okay to just stop completely.)

As for the worry about the relationship: right now it sounds like you’re worried a lot more about the relationship than she is. She hired a friend away from a paying job and then immediately broke (and is still breaking) her promises about pay. Let her worry about keeping your friendship under those circumstances, particularly if she gives you any guilt about leaving.

2. We get free food as “appreciation” — and I can’t eat any of it

This is a low-stakes question, but it is bothering me a bit. I have been a teacher at my current school for seven years. There are approximately 60 teachers and a similar number of support staff. Our required monthly faculty meeting takes place at lunch, but lunch is provided to “compensate” for losing a duty-free lunch (which is part of our contract). Required professional development is flooded with candy to make it more palatable. During parent/teacher conferences, dinner is provided since we have to be at school so late on those days. Every spring, we have teacher appreciation week, where the parent-teacher organization provides food for us every day.

The issue is that I have type 2 diabetes. I take no medication or insulin; I manage it strictly with what I eat. It is incredibly frustrating to me that during all of these events, I cannot have any of the perks. I can’t eat donuts, sandwiches, pizza, candy, sweet drinks, pasta, cookies, etc. I have never seen a single low-carb option. I bring my own lunch to faculty meetings and conferences. I actively avoid the faculty lounge during teacher appreciation week to avoid the temptation and awkward questions about why I’m not eating whatever is provided. I have excellent will power, and I would certainly never try to dictate what other people eat or don’t eat, but I feel a little overlooked.

I know I can’t be the only person on our staff who has this issue or other dietary restrictions, but it seems like no one else has a problem with the constant barrage of carb-loaded snacks and meals. Is this worth mentioning? Am I being too sensitive? Is it reasonable to ask to occasionally have something to show appreciation that isn’t food-related, or do I just need to let it go?

Free food is an easy go-to because so many people love it, and a lot of them love it passionately. It can be hard to come up with another similarly priced perk that will please as many people as free food does. But it’s absolutely reasonable to ask for a wider variety of options!

For example, with the required monthly meeting, talk to whoever organizes lunch, explain you can’t eat what’s being provided, and ask how to ensure there’s something there you can eat. If this is a required lunch, they really, really should ensure they’re accounting for your needs (but they can’t if you don’t tell them what you need). And can whoever liaises with the parent-teacher organization ask them to provide a wider range of options — not just sweets, but fruit/a veggie platter/whatever specific suggestions you can make that would work? You probably won’t be the only person who would appreciate having healthier options included. But someone has to speak up and request them!

3. My spouse’s company is suddenly competing with mine

My husband and I have recently become competitors at work, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Our relationship started before either of our current careers and, for over a decade, we had no overlap whatsoever. Over the last few years, our roles have been slowly converging.

Fast forward to this week, and I’ve been on calls at my job where my husband’s agency has been named as a direct competitor to a project my company is pitching to the client I work on. It’s not the team my husband works on, but he knows that team well and they even collaborate on some of his projects.

Do you have any advice to handle this with work? I’m not worried about handling this with my husband; we just won’t discuss the project together. We occasionally vent about work together, but in a general way (“Jane is up to her shenanigans again” or “that contract I’m working on still hasn’t been signed”). Am I obligated to mention it to my boss? Should I try not to get involved in this new business pitch? It’s a good opportunity for me at my job, but the more I am involved, the more I feel weird about hearing about his agency as the main competitor.

You should disclose it to your boss; it will be much weirder if it comes out later and it turns out you knew and didn’t say anything. You don’t need to frame it as a big deal. You can simply say, “I feel like I should let you know that my husband works for CompanyName, since they’re also pitching for the X project. It’s not his team and I’ll be scrupulous on my side sides about not discussing anything related to X, but I thought I should tell you that in case it poses any conflicts.”

4. Explaining I got bad news during a vacation

I just went to visit my parents, and my coworkers know that was the reason for my recent time off. The visit ended with my dad in the hospital and he will likely either not recover at all or recover enough to be discharged into home hospice care. How should I best deal with the fact that my whole team is going to ask how my vacation went?

Should I send out an email to my immediate team that basically says, “Before you ask, my trip ended with my dad in the hospital so please don’t bring it up”? Should I pretend it was good? Should I say it was rough every time someone asks? Should I grunt and change the topic?

I imagine you won’t be able to respond to this before I need to figure out my own answer, but I’m asking in case it helps someone else.

It depends on what you’re comfortable with. It’s fine to say, “It went differently than expected. My dad had a health crisis while I was there and that’s still ongoing, so we’re working on that currently.” If you don’t want to get into it, it’s also fine to reply with something bland and vaguer (anything from “it was OK, how were things here?” to “there’s some health stuff going on in my family, so it was a hard week”), immediately followed up by a subject change if you don’t want to discuss it more.

I’m sorry about your dad!

5. How can I help my dyslexic and ADHD employee write better?

I have a wonderful junior employee who is enthusiastic, a fast learner, helpful, has a excellent analytical mind and is an all-round delight to work with. However, her writing needs improvement.

Some of the gaps I’d expect from any junior employee (know your audience, be concise, structure documents logically, check spelling and grammar before sending to your manager), but some are probably due to her dyslexia (words out of order, incorrect homophones, errant punctuation) or possibly ADHD (maybe some of these examples are really about attention to detail). She disclosed these diagnoses to me recently.

How can I help her improve while accommodating her neurodiversity? Most of the dyslexia resources I can find give strategies to help with reading comprehension, but I don’t think she has any issues there. I’ve seen suggestions to use AI writing assistance tools but, due to legitimate reasons, our workplace is unlikely to have these anytime soon.

Whenever you’re trying to figure out what accommodations might help someone, the Job Accommodation Network is a really good first stop. They offer an encyclopedia of potential accommodations for a wide range of disabilities, and a super helpful starting place for thinking about options. Their page on accommodations for learning disabilities might be exactly what you need. (Scroll down to “accommodation ideas.”) They also have something called “Situations and Solutions Finder,” where you can enter keywords based on disability, limitation, and/or occupation, and they’ll pull up examples of real-life accommodations they’ve seen made.

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{ 72 comments }

{ 72 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A note: the reply function is not currently working (you can leave top-level comments but not replies to other comments). I’m aware of the issue and it should be fixed at some point on Tuesday.

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  2. SamiLou*

    For OP 2: During Teacher Appreciation Week, while the PTA supplied lunch every day, our administrators arranged for (two days, I think) to have massage therapy students come over at lunch time.
    They would bring their massage chairs – where you kneel a bit and put your face in an open cushion. Everyone who wanted one could have one – each session was about ten minutes or so.
    No removing of any clothing, nor any use of oils or lotion.
    Glorious!

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  3. Viki*

    For OP2: when you bring it up, please bring suggestions for food.

    Especially when the default is pizza, what is something that is in that vein? It will make things easier to switch if you have suggestions.

    Alternately, is pizza with a cauliflower crust something you can have? That’s the low carb option at my local pizza place.

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  4. AcademiaNut*

    I agree, providing specific ideas that are as close to what is provided is a good idea.

    I find that batch ordered lunch options tend to lean high carb whether they be standard, vegetarian, gluten free, etc., because the starch component is the cheapest part of the meal. This transcends cultural borders; I’ve had the pizza, sandwich and wrap versions, and also the rice based version that’s the default in East Asia. So having ideas about food that will work can help a lot.

    For snacks; a veggie tray with dip is a nice change from pastries and fruit.

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  5. Cherry Sours*

    For the dyslexic employee, is it possible to provide access on her computer to Grammarly? I’m a college student with ADHD, and I actually have the paid version. It’s great for spellcheck and rewording awkward passages. There are likely other resources that will be helpful in addition to this, but I consider it a lifesaver.

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  6. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    #2 – I, too, am Type 2, but I have always found something – can you request something like a salad, or open-face sandwich? If you don’t say anything, they won’t accomodate you.

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  7. I didn't say banana*

    I’m sorry, LW#4. If people knew you were going to see family, can you say something like “It was good that I went” or “I’m glad I was able to spend some time with family” and then change the topic? That makes it clear it wasn’t fun for you without going into details.

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  8. BellStell*

    I really like the new site design and navigation!
    LW4, I think saying something along the lines of what is suggested by commenter I didn’t say banana is a good option. And I am sorry about your dad too.

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  9. Dahlia*

    This is a little random, but I really like this brand of protein shakes https://www.alaninu.com/en-ca/collections/all-products/products/30g-protein-shake-fruity-cereal

    You can get ’em at CostCo – I like the strawberry shortcake flavour ’cause it just tastes like chocolate milk. They’re pretty low in sugar, too. Might be something that could be added on since it seems like sweet drinks are already being bought?

    Maybe also sparkling waters? Lots of people like fun drinks that don’t have lots of sugar.

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  10. Venla*

    #4: Im sorry this happened.

    The way one of my colleague handled similar situation is that she called her manager before returning from vacation and told her in general what had happened. She asked the manager to inform our team, (saying that they had a health crisis in family) and that she doesn’t really want to talk about the vacation or situation in general. The manager informed us before her returning and people did respect her wish.

    Hope everything went as smoothly as possible when you returned to work.

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  11. Been There, Done That*

    LW1 – did you have a signed agreement with your friend when you started work with them? A document that sets out your role, duties, hours, hourly rate, PAYG tax and Superannuation, payment terms, all of that kind of thing? As a contractor it’s essential to have an agreement signed by both parties that covers you both.
    It’s the only way to work with friends or family and maintain the relationship, and also in instances such as yours you can point to the agreement as the basis for being paid in full.
    I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

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  12. Epsilon*

    Along with what Cherry Sours said about the use of Grammarly, AI is really useful to help with managing writing. I use ChatGPT (free version) a lot. I ask it to summarise what I have written so I can check that what I am wanting to be said is what I am saying. I ask it to check my spelling, punctuation, grammar, flow and cohesiveness. I ask it all sorts of questions about how to do particular things with the computer. I have also asked it to help me craft emails or work out what to say to someone, using a particular tone but also setting clear limits. It has helped me with my writing for meaning hugely. The more I have used it, the more it appears to recognise my “tone” and when I ask it to put my ideas into order, it writes very similar to the way that I write. I argue with it, and it often backs down! It has produced some very humorous replies to friends’ questions or statements.
    I’ve got a friend who’s a high school teacher of English and history. Rather than banning AI in her students’ writing, she has embraced it and taught them how to use it ethically. She has seen an increase in the depth and breadth of her students’ writing and wouldn’t be without it.
    I’m not sure why you say that your organisation won’t or doesn’t have it. Maybe one of the accommodations for this employee is that she has access to an AI assisted writing program.

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  13. KateM*

    LW#1 – you say you hate to make it about money. What would you prefer to make it about then – about your friend abusing your friendship? Seems to me that making it about money is by far the safest course – you just can’t live without enough money for food and place to live etc.

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  14. Jeam*

    for #5, there are special dyslexia-friendly fonts or fonts that are better for people with dyslexia, like the famous Comic Sans… from what I read this can help people with dyslexia read better. also a spell checker like a phone has, if that’s possible for a computer. I used to have a friend who had a lot of trouble with dyslexia, but then she got a phone with spell-check and suddenly she was a really good (and mostly correct) writer!

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  15. I'm the Phoebe in Any Group*

    #5, start by talking to your employee. What you wrote in your letter to Alison is great: a lot about what the person does well and specific areas that need improvement. You’re kindness comes through clearly, and that will go over well. Have this conversation with your employee and ask them what accomodations will help or how you can best support them.

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  16. Agent Diane*

    For OP5, please ask your employee if she has any preferred accommodations that would help!

    Be clear you might not be able to use some of them for data security or cost reasons. But she might say something that she knows helps and that is easy for you to do (like the dsylexia friendly fonts, or working in a separate office when she proofreads her work).

    She might not know exactly what will work for her in this environment but working on this with her will be better than presenting her a list you’ve researched alone. If she’s early career it demonstrates the power of asking for reasonable accommodations to her, and it makes it a constructive conversation.

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  17. duinath*

    #1 i do in some ways feel like this is a good illustration of why i think it’s wise to keep professional relationships separate from personal ones.

    you can’t make your livelihood a favor for someone else. your job and paycheck is not something you can just let slide because a friend is having a hard time. this is your life. there are real consequences, and you can’t ever depend on other people to prioritize that like you need them to (sure would be nice though) and it’s easier to draw a line when you don’t feel like you’re betraying a friend when you do it.

    not to mention this kind of thing absolutely can blow up friendships (and families). i think a clean break between work and personal is easier to handle in the long run. work for your boss, hang with your friends, and do not make sacrifices for someone else’s business unless you are very clear on what that sacrifice will get you.

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  18. Julia*

    Oooof, I feel for #4. I am recently back from one of those ‘trips of a lifetime’ holidays, and I got the news my father passed away while I was away. I let my boss and team know quickly as I wasn’t sure when the funeral would be and didn’t want them worrying if I didn’t come back when I was supposed to, but letting others at work know has been difficult, as they are wanting to hear about the fun I had while I was away. Luckily so far most people have just murmured condolences and moved on.

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  19. HiddenT*

    #1, your friend is taking advantage of you. The way you speak about this situation is really heartbreaking because you’re so worried about not hurting her feelings, but she clearly doesn’t feel the same about yours. You need to ask yourself, would a good friend have put you in this position in the first place? She is taking care of the finances, presumably, and she knows she’s not paying you what she promised.

    I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you can save your friendship, because it’s likely that as soon as you tell her you can’t keep working for nothing, she’ll get angry at you. Just remember that it reflects badly on her, not you. You deserve better.

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  20. Nodramalama*

    LW2 I am confused whether you’ve tried just telling the organiser you have a dietary requirement, and if so, why not? How can they overlook you if you haven’t told them you can’t eat the food?

    Presumably the other people don’t have an issue with the food because they don’t have any dietary requirements.

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  21. AngloNemi*

    Thank you for the information about the Job Accommodation Network – my employer is not US based but we do have clients that are headquartered in the US and we were wondering how to navigate the recent anti-DEI clamour. While it’s great that the Disability Inclusion elements of the DoL’s work haven’t been defunded, it does make it apparent that DEI means something quite different in the eyes of the current administration. Trying not to accuse the US Gov of multiple “isms” but the evidence is right there.

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  22. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    Another (vehement and enthusiastic) vote for Grammarly. One of my team has been using it recently and the quality of her work (she’s a learning designer) has improved enormously, and she’s happier and much more comfortable in what she does.

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  23. Nebula*

    LW2, you can’t expect people to magically know that you need other types of food, especially since it seems you’re pretty discreet about your dietary requirements. In an ideal world, yes, there would be a plethora of options covering a range of diets, but in practice, it’s assumed that you will let organisers know if your diet is different to most people’s. I’m vegetarian, which is fairly common, and I’d always expect there to be something without meat at an event, but I still let the organisers know so they can order appropriate amounts of veggie food.

    You could also definitely ask for something non-food related! I’m sure lots of other people would appreciate that as well. You seem really tentative about the possibility of asking for anything – what do you think will happen? That someone will get mad at you? The worst that will likely happen is they say no or ignore you, which wouldn’t be great, but would only leave you in the same situation as before.

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  24. JSPA*

    #5, even if workplace practice / privacy issues ban AI and “help you write” programs,

    1. does that ban extend to (say) the grammar check function in your software? It tends to be rudimentary (if not AI-driven) and thus often flags longer and more complex sentences. But for “wrong word” problems, it works reasonably.

    2. Is your report self aware enough about the problem that she could take instances of known homophones, and run an equivalent but non-sensitive sentence through her phone, speaking it in?

    Say she has to write, “the bimonthly nuclear widget production lines are consistently missing (their/they’re/ there) targets.” Could she say, “the arrows are missing their targets” into her phone, and let google supply the right answer?

    “What would you use if you didn’t have access restrictions, and what partial equivalents might be achievable within our privacy limits” is how I’d think about this.

    3. If this writing is for internal communication, and the meaning is clear, discuss with her how much she cares, how much you care, and what she’s willing to disclose, to avoid the presumption of sloppiness? There are occasional high-profile people who are open about dyslexia, and just… make it known… that their excellent ideas will be presented in non-standard writing. Most people can’t pull that off (for reasons more cultural than personal). But with the rise of voice-to-text, I get the sense that many people (even sticklers) are becoming more willing to give a pass to a section of text that has multiple uncorrected errors.

    4. Any chance that the problem is that she is already using voice-to-text, but without a grammar recognition feature? More generally, “Show me how you write and check your writing, in case that suggests a fix we can use here” might be illuminating…and should let you gauge if she’s already spending a disproportionate amount of time and effort.

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  25. Media Monkey*

    op3 – i work in an agency (as do lots of my friends). my husband isn’t in the same industry but there are plenty of couples who are. generally couples don’t work on pitches for the same client – one of them will excuse themselves (and would either take it in turns or whoever can be most easily replaced by another team member). and agree never to talk about how the pitch is going.

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  26. JSPA*

    LW 2, Given this is an educational job with a contract, is there a union? If so and if bringing up the issue does not lead either to a stipend for you to cover your own food, or an ample supply of food you can eat… You could find out how the union feels about contractual time requirements being breached, by offering free food (as opposed to, say, time-and-a-half, plus free food? Meetings DURING contracted hours?). My guess would be, they’re not a fan.

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  27. Rainbow Brite*

    2. Use your words! When I saw your letter I assumed you’d asked for different food and been ignored. Bit stunned to realise you’ve just not said anything. You need to tell them!

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  28. UKDancer*

    OP2 I’ve organised a lot of lunches and events in previous jobs and I’d much rather people said their dietary needs than suffered in silence. Some needs are easier to meet than others but if I know what they are I can do something about it.

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  29. bamcheeks*

    LW5: strongly agree with JSPA’s advice: first and foremost, decide how much of an issue your report’s writing problems are. Is this a “I cringe when I see it but it doesn’t matter for internal communication”? “It’s fine in this role but it’ll hold you back when you want to go further”? “We need this to better and we don’t have capacity for a second person to proofread your work”? And find out as well how much of a problem she perceives it as: is she “I’ve done all the work I can do to improve this, this is as good as it gets”, or “I hate this and I’m anxious about it but I simply have no idea what will help”, or “I do what? I had no idea!”

    So identify and layout the type of problem that it is for your employee. Hopefully, you can find a place where you both agree that whilst it’s not the defining quality of her work, it’s an area to work on and something you can both afford to put a bit of energy and time into. And then ask what she’s already doing, what she’s tried in the past, and what she’d like to try if there was opportunity or budget. Let her know that this is a good time and space for experimentation: it’s not a case of “find One Weird Trick that corrects everything”, it’s a case of try different fonts, sizes and colours; try reading your work out loud or asking the screenreader to do so; try different spelling and grammar checkers; take extra time to set something aside and then review it with fresh eyes; research software options and work with IT to find out what is and isn’t included in your plug-in library / budget / AI policy. Hopefully she will find a solution or (more likely) a mixture of solutions that make a significant difference and become part of her normal working practices.

    Personally I would say that it’s not your job to give her the tools or the answers: your job is to motivate her to improve, make sure she knows that she is supported to take some work time (and potentially budget, if there are software options that can help) to try to find options that work for her, and to check in regularly to find out how she’s getting on and let her know when you are seeing improvement (or not.) Basically, provide the framework and support for her to take responsibility for her own improvement.

    Good luck!

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  30. Lady Lessa*

    I like the idea of a veggie platter, and even a fruit one. I am a poll worker and now more in a vote center leadership. I always bring a large veggie platter for workers. (I haven’t seen too many voters ask about it, but we would NEVER say “no”.)

    Also, for left overs, I just turn them into soup. Just a seasoning package, protein and a crock pot.

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  31. Wednesday wishes*

    Please approach your PTA (or whoever provides the appreciation food) and ask them to see if they can request healthier options! Then give them examples. Usually these appreciation lunches are sent in by volunteers and if they have some requests they would be happy to fill them. As parents we are usually on our own to think of things to make- or even when its catered we go for the fancy. I personally always baked because that is what I do best. If there were requests for healthier options (which I never even thought about!) I would have definitely thought of something better. If it is catered please ask them for a grilled or roasted chicken with veggies or steak dish or something else you can eat. If they are truly showing appreciation they will have no issue with some suggestions.

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  32. EngineeringFun*

    #3 I go to Florida every month or so to be with my mother with Alzheimer’s. I help my father out alot during these trips. Most people think I’m at the beach most days because it’s Florida. When they ask how it went I focus on the positives: oh we went for some nice walks, I got to the pool most days. I took my mom shoe shopping. Then change the subject.

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  33. DJ Abbott*

    @SamiLou’s idea for #2, great idea! I can’t eat anything ready-made, but would love a massage! I wonder if there are other physically soothing things that could be done. Maybe a short (10-minute) Zumba class?

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  34. I should really pick a name*

    #2
    Especially for provided dinners, explain the situation to the organizers and have them order a meal specifically for you (doesn’t even need to be from the same caterers). This can be a useful approach if they’re resistant to changing the overall menu.

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  35. Teaching teacher*

    I am in a similar boat as #2. In addition, it’s my job to write the thank you letters for those things. So I’m always writing thank you letters to the board, PTA, etc , for meals I never tasted.

    That said, I’m in a small town and know that some of the places they are ordering from have no options for me. My town has two restaurants and neither of them have vegan options, I’m not going to ask them to leave town to get my food. When the school secretary is ordering individual foods from somewhere out of town, she will always accommodate me. But when an organization provides a buffet style meal I’ve never gotten anything.

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  36. Llellayena*

    #5: I have a co-worker who plugs what he writes into ChatGPT to ask for improvements. Not sure if you’re allowed to access the online AI options and are only blocked on installed programs but that could be a good option. He’ll still occasionally have me read something through to make sure the message is right but it’s been a huge improvement in his writing overall.

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  37. Citymouse*

    LW1 – this person is using you. Anyone else would have quit or reported them to DOL. Let’s not sugar coat this: refusing to pay you what was agreed and not paying you at all for days work is wage theft. This person is not a good friend to you and is using your friendship to mistreat you. Don’t be loyal to someone who’s using you.

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  38. Tea Monk*

    Hm with all the AI answers I would still try to get the report to develop their own skills and abilities. maybe show them what a good report looks like, the expectations of writing one. If you never gained skills, you’re not going to be able to build on them.

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  39. Contracts Killer*

    OP#2, parent here! We want to make EVERY teacher feel appreciated. Most of the parents I volunteer with on the PTO would feel awful to know that some teachers cannot participate due to dietary constraints. Please let someone on the PTO know and I’m confident you’ll see a change. And be specific if you can. Something like – “type 2 diabetic, cheese, meat sticks, anything high protein and low carb (not “diet”).”

    We had feedback recently about wishing there were healthier choices and savory snacks so our candy/cookie bar is now fruit, cheese, cookies, and chips.

    I’m taking your feedback to heart and letting our PTO know that we should ask the teachers to voluntarily submit to us any food allergies/dietary restrictions so we can try to ensure we have snacks for everyone.

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  41. Ellis Bell*

    OK OP1, these are the rules:
    1) If a friend offers you a job (or even to hire you for something temporary), you use the phrase “Oh, definitely not; I wouldn’t want to risk our friendship by mixing it with business”. These words will save everyone a world of trouble.
    2) If a friend does stiff you, or seems to forget that you need money to live, just bring it up as a simple reminder, with really aggressive cheerfulness: “I need to keep to our agreement/you owe me x/ I need to be paid for last month”. Don’t let them blame non payment on a friendship argument – keep it friendly, but explicitly say whatever it is they have forgotten to do.
    3) If your anyone tries to change a pre-existing arrangement on how much to pay you, friend or not, say “I’m sorry but what we agreed to is as low as I can go, so I’m out. Good luck though!”
    4) If you haven’t done 1, or 3, it is never too late to say it! “I know I said it was fine helping out temporarily but I need to go back to either earning my previous rate or getting my weekends back.” or “I think it is better for our friendship if we don’t mix it with business.”
    4) You don’t owe friends free work, and they should know not to ask.

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  42. darsynia*

    The new ‘sagas’ tag may have been so new that it didn’t get migrated with everything else, as it’s not working! It went down a few hours after announced when I was mid-saga and I keep hoping it’ll come back up, just wanted to note this, and thank you <3

    LW#1: Alison's comment about letting your friend worry about keeping YOUR friendship is spot on. I read a lot of stuff here and on Reddit about situations like this, especially neighbors–you did not create the situation by being taken advantage OF! The other party is the one who created the conflict, not you by pointing to it. I'm sorry this happened.

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  43. Polaris*

    Oooof, LW 3, a situation like this literally changed the course of my career. For the good, but d@mn was it frustrating.

    * I worked for contractor A.
    * Spouse was newly hired for newly created position that oversaw, reviewed, and verified all contracted construction work in our region. This was a NGO but they did “public work”. Important fact at this point – when spouse was hired, we weren’t even chasing this segment of the market.
    * Spouse (correctly) informed his bosses that I work for Contractor A and am not an admin, either but was in a directly affected department (i.e. I would be doing things that would fall under review of my spouse as the end user/customer).
    * Spouse’s company deemed that Contractor A either could not have me work on projects in our region with associated legalese and such, or that we could not work on projects in our region if excluding me from working on them was not tenable (it wasn’t).
    * My boss at Contractor A was livid because we were trying to get work with NGO completely out of the blue. We had to date done $0 for them in the history of our company. We didn’t have the staff or tools to do this work, either, but he wanted to expand our business model. (Great timing, eyeroll)
    * My boss’s suggestion is that either we sign a statement saying that I didn’t work on things (knowing darn well that that was a flat out lie) OR someone else could sign off on anything from us (i.e. my spouse could just pass along his actual job to someone else if we won a contract)
    * My spouse’s employer laughed at those suggestions, because to be clear, they held the cards, not my employer.

    It was not long after that due to restructuring, I was let go. It absolutely worked out in the long run, as there were definite bee hives in that company, and not ironically, Contractor A still has yet to work with NGO. My spouse was beyond horrified at the time that this was the end result, because it was absolutely not an issue at the time of hire!

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  44. mango chiffon*

    LW5: would text-to-speech functionality work or help if it is read out loud to the employee before something is sent? It could possibly help to hear when something sounds wrong (words out of order) rather than reading for dyslexia. You could look into the native accessibility features of the operating system you use before committing to any purchases. My cellphone has these features by default by highlighting and selecting the “speak” option which I use with foreign languages to get general pronunciation help.

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  45. BigBaDaBoom*

    Op3: At my company I think we have to do a yearly attestation about conflicts of interest, including spousal/family work at competitors. Clearly you must not have this sort of requirement but the point being – things change and your employer will want/need to know when they do, so everyone is aware of potential conflicts. Tell them…it may not impact what you do going forward in your job but having it on record could be important for all parties.

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  46. knitted feet*

    LW2 – yes it’s reasonable, but you have to tell them! I eat much the same way you do, but most people don’t, and they won’t spontaneously realise it’s an issue if you don’t say anything. Catered meals are usually a carbfest because it’s a cheap crowd pleaser. Most people have never thought about what it would look like to seriously limit their carb intake – and why would they? It’s a very specific way of eating that few people follow, even with the advent of keto and so on. Anyone who doesn’t eat this way has probably never even wondered how many grams of carbohydrate are in a slice of pizza. It’s not on their radar.

    IME people will often think to order something vegetarian, and sometimes will spontaneousyl consider nut allergies, but anything else you really do have to make them aware of.

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  47. A*

    2: I would be prepared to have this conversation more than once. It sounds like this food is supplied by administration and, likely, the PTA. So you will need to inform the organizers of both about your dietary needs.

    I’ve been on the organizing side of this and I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, it is much easier when people tell us what they want instead of what they can’t have. It’s just a lot easier from an administrative standpoint.

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  48. LW5*

    Thanks Alison and all the thoughtful commenters! I will check out the resources and try some of the suggestions.

    I actually did have a conversation with her shortly after writing in. Turns out she does struggle with reading, she’s just really good at masking! Now that I know I’ll find other ways of communicating.

    Regarding writing, she wishes for Grammarly but knows it’s improbable in the near term. We agreed that she would be sure to acquit all grammar and spell checks and get peers to proof read before sending to me.

    Why can’t we have AI assistants? we’re a really big, risk averse (legitimately), slow moving organisation. I’ve contacted the right people, including E&D, to add my voice to the chorus, and put in the right requests, but I won’t hold my breath.

    How big a deal is it? for some things it’s not a big deal (and so she doesn’t need to apply the tactic above), but others go quite broad or quite high (via me, and I don’t have time to do that level of correction). I think she can have a great career without needing to be a perfect writer just based on her other extraordinary talents, but it’ll hold her back if we don’t uplift a /little/.

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  49. Katrina*

    OP5, I know you mean to help, and AI might be the quickest solution, but it’s not the best. Besides the fact that it steals from writers (many, many of whom have the same disabilities as your employee, myself included), it also won’t help improve your employee’s skills beyond a very basic level. If you want to look into assistive tools, look at ones that will highlight potential grammar issues that your employee can then fix for herself. 

    Some other suggestions to help with the attention-to-detail issues: 
    1. Print the written piece out in a double-spaced, monospace font (like courier new) and read it on a physical piece of paper. Go over it line-by-line with a ruler or pencil so the wall of text isn’t overwhelming. I do this with any piece I publish, and I always find multiple mistakes, even if I was positive they weren’t there on the screen. 

    2. Have the computer read the piece aloud (assuming it’s a reasonable length to do that). This is great to identify issues with typos that are still valid words (the ones spellcheck misses because it doesn’t realize they’re wrong.) 

    3. Cheat sheet for the common homophone mix-ups. I don’t need it so much now, because the mnemonics finally stuck in my head, but there’s a few I had to look up every single time for a long while. (Also I still can’t spell “definitely” without saying aloud “De-FINITE-lee” as I type it.)

    Your employee will develop her own set of life hacks to make writing more manageable for herself. She’s at a perfect stage to do that. It’s going to be much harder down the line if she spends her early career feeding all her writing to an app that just spits stuff out with no good explanation as to what it changed or why. (AI is notoriously bad at explaining itself, even when prompted. It’s even worse when it makes a mistake and you try to correct it.)

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  50. kiki the bee*

    On food requests for work events: as the person who was tasked with this in a job a while back, please speak up about your dietary needs! Specific requests or suggestions are really helpful too. I know sometimes folks want to seem flexible so they’ll say, “Oh, it can be anything low-carb or low-sugar!” but how low is low enough for your needs? Is a cauliflower crust pizza enough of a cut? Is candy with artificial sweetener a viable alternative for you? Is fruit too sugary?

    It’s easier to say, “I am on a diet for medical reasons that requires me to be low-carb and low sugar. Would it be possible to include a veggie tray and/or lettuce wraps from Local Sandwich Shop in future lunches?”

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  51. Nancy*

    LW2: No one knows your dietary requirements unless you tell them. So say you are unable to eat what’s offered and make a few suggestions so organizers know what to get.

    LW4: Just say it was fine. No need to go into details unless you really want to tell them.

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  52. SunnyShine*

    LW5 – I have dyslexia and ADHD. I use Pro Writing Aid. I think it’s better than Grammarly. It helps me a lot. My work encourages use to use AI so I use it too.

    Right now, it’s about getting accomodations. Even if you keep pointing out the mistakes, it won’t help much. Dyslexia makes me blind to mistakes until later. Yeah, it’s weird. Yeah I read it three times and didn’t see the misspelling. That’s why it’s a disability.

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  53. Hyaline*

    LW5–First–what Katrina said. AI won’t actually help the employee WRITE better (that is, develop the skill), and it’s debatable whether it will even make their WRITING (that is, their product) better, so it’s ok that it’s not an option the table.

    I teach writing, and though often students who self-identify as having dyslexia or ADHD have particular challenges in writing, what you’re describing is often really common for my undergrads in general. Most have never been formally taught grammar or been drilled in spelling the way earlier generations were–it’s just not part of the educational curricula in most places anymore–so they’re missing some basics that can be hard to fill in later. Depending on how they’ve been taught and what kind of writing they’ve done, they may or may not have a lot of practice proofing their own work and learning strategies for spotting errors.

    So that said–though I’m not saying accommodations might not be warranted here!–you might also want to think about what you would do to help ANYONE improve writing. Here, the employee might benefit from very clear expectations from you, proofreading practice (and extra time to proofread), proofreading checklists, developing strategies (like those Katrina mentions–I’d add changing fonts which is bizarrely helpful for a lot of people!), and maybe working with some peers to support each other’s practice (often we learn to proofread by getting outside our own head and proofing for others–then we translate those skills back to our own work).

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  54. Bumblebee*

    LW4, you’ve gotten some great suggestions here. I will add that for my team, a number of us are in this stage of life, where visits to family are sometimes about fun and sometimes about checking on people or dealing with crises of aging parents, and we are nothing but sympathetic for each other! It’s nice to have colleagues in the same boat and you may also find that your team understands, and can be a soft place to land after a vacation that is actually a trip to deal with things.

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  55. NothingIsLittle*

    LW5: I have ADHD but not dyslexia, so YMMV. I use a grammar checking application that can flag those types of issues. Mine is LanguageTool, but different people will have success with different programs depending on the type of writing they do and the types of mistakes they usually make.

    One thing I will flag, Grammarly has gotten significantly worse in the past few years! When I used it in college, it could pretty reliably flag problems and rarely falsely flagged grammatically correct phrases. I tried it again earlier this year before switching, and less than half of the suggestions were grammatically accurate (I went to school for publishing: the “corrections” were wrong in both Chicago and AP style). Plus, the Pro upsell recommendations were wildly intrusive in a way that comparable apps’ upgrade offers are not.

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  56. Aww, coffee, no*

    OP#3, disclose NOW! And I’d suggest that your husband should do the same.

    It *may* be that everything goes fine and it never comes up / comes out that your company is in competition with your husband’s company but if it does, and you haven’t disclosed, people are likely to put the worst possible interpretation on it.

    Seriously, this sounds like a situation tailor-made for inclusion in the annual ‘Conflicts of Interest’ training I have to do; just reading your question I was thinking ‘oh, this one is easy, got to disclose’.

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  57. AnnaMaria Alberghetti Spaghetti*

    LW#1: This is why I keep a stock non perishable items at my desk that are suited to my dietary needs. I think a lot of food ordering workers are really kind of clueless.

    Last week I asked the HR admin at my new job about if anyone has any dietary restrictions in response to a Potluck email and I got the feeling that I asked a really weird question, which is a shame.

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  59. Sarah Quenaud*

    LW #2 – PTO Vice President here, definitely let your PTO know about your dietary needs, we can absolutely accommodate and want to! If your PTO does not have a teacher representative on it, let your Principle or Vice Principle know what you can/can’t eat or drink and ask they communicate that for the next round of conference dinners and appreciation week. We have a few gluten free and vegetarians at our school and we always make sure to have options for them so they can participate in the goodies!

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  60. Irish Teacher.*

    LW2, as others have said, have you tried mentioning this to whoever is organising the food. From what you describe, it sounds like there is a good variety of foods; it just so happens that none of them fit your needs. It is quite likely that whoever is organising thinks that because there is a good variety – from candy to pasta to sandwiches – there will be something that will suit all or most people.

    I think it’s very likely they just don’t realise that the options won’t work for everybody and may well be happy to change things up if you let them know.

    I don’t think you are being too sensitive at all, by the way. You should be able to participate in at least some of what is offered and it is quite possible that they would want to accommodate you if they knew the situation.

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  61. Food is fun...and hard sometimes*

    with the food, I’d just be careful…you don’t want to be the person who means we can’t have the good stuff anymore (we’ve discussed at my workplace before that as much as more health conscious options are appreciated that the majority of people would be as happy or happier with pizza…I also find it important to recognize someone is spending their time and money providing this food regardless of whether you will eat it and it is important to respect that by approaching any desired changes respectfully and keeping in mind no one is obligated to feed you…I do get how hard it is to walk into a party atmosphere and realize you can’t partake in any of the options though…been there done that. You get to choose what to put in your body, but making choices right for you sometimes means you’ll miss out).

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  62. Dawn*

    Speaking as both a diabetic and as a vegan, I can tell you that “diet-only sugar control” is the much more difficult of the two to accommodate, and you’ve got to be really specific about your needs here.

    I don’t know precisely what your typical diet is but I can make some guesses, and something like “a plain steak with steamed vegetables” isn’t going to be on the menu unless you’re pretty explicit how “no-carb/low-carb” works. And even then it sounds like there might be some challenges.

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  63. I interned at Devlin McGregor*

    For #2 I don’t think you’re being sensitive, but if you haven’t said anything about it you can’t expect them to be mind readers.. So speak up!

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  64. Ostrich Herder*

    Seconding Venla here, #4! If you’re comfortable, please deputize either your manager or a co-worker to let people know ahead of time. My situation wasn’t exactly like yours, but I had a similar instance and emailed my manager while I was still out. My wording was “I wanted to let you know that [thing happened]. Would you be able to tell [coworkers] before I get back? It would be a big help – I wouldn’t have explain it while it’s still fresh, and I can’t imagine they’ll be expecting that when they ask how my trip went.”

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  65. Ex manager*

    The union steward inside the building is clearly ignoring the faculty meeting in violation of the union contract – probably because they personally prefer the lunchtime meeting over an after-school faculty meeting, which is allowed by contract. (Our local teacher contract has a duty free lunch, which allows teachers to accept an extra PAY (not food) assignment in lieu, and also has a clause saying that “It is recognized that every teacher’s professional day, whether classroom or support staff, extends beyond student-contact hours to include time for such responsibilities as additional planning and evaluation, faculty and committee meetings…”) Clearly this union steward – and probably the majority of the teachers – prefer giving up a lunch to staying late once a month, and is ignoring their responsibility to enforce the contract accordingly. If LW wants to go to the union on this, they’ll need to go outside the building to do it, and it won’t be popular. As for healthy food, that is pricy, and I can’t imagine where the budget even for the pizza is coming from – probably some form of misappropriation of funds from the supplies budget. Very few government entities like schools budget for paying for employee meals on any sort of regular basis.

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  66. Binge Crosby*

    #1: Somewhere around the top of the list of ironclad rules of being human is this one: Money makes people funny. Hate to say it, but you should probably be ready to kiss this friendship goodbye. I hope you don’t have to, and you can still definitely have a business relationship without being BFFs. But once somebody shows you that they’re funny about money, you’re usually stuck with two choices: the money or the friend. It’s awful, but it’s true. Good luck!

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  67. Somewhere in Texas*

    Since flavored waters are all the rage, I am dropping this idea for anyone who needs it:

    Water Bar! Bring in a mix of sugar free and regular water mix-ins- powder packs or liquids. The good nugget ice. Filtered water or sparkling water options. A nice cup (even just a clear plastic, throw-away cup with a “teacher appreciation” sticker). Colorful straws. List of some popular recipes with creative names.

    Keep the nutritional labels handy so those who want to refer to them can. Leave any lefotver flavor packs in the lounge for future use.

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  68. Shedubba*

    LW2, I’m on the PTA for our school. We have several teachers and staff with special dietary needs, and we’re happy to accommodate them if we know what their needs are and what alternatives work for them. Like, when we buy dinner for Parent/Teacher conferences, we get a couple gluten-free pizzas, several vegetarian pizzas, and salads, in addition to the regular selection of pizza. When we bring around a snack cart for a treat for the teachers, we have a selection of sodas, diet sodas, flavored water, chips, cookies, candy, etc., as well as bottled water if that’s all someone would want, and we’re happy to take suggestions if there’s something they’d like that we don’t have.

    It’s okay for you to ask for this. They want to show they appreciate you! It will probably go over better if you approach it as a collaborative problem solving opportunity, and come prepared with ideas of small changes they can make to accommodate you (like if they can order you a salad with dressing on the side, or provide a veggie tray, or whatever makes sense given what they’re providing and where it’s from). I use a low-carb diet to manage my pre-diabetes, so while my needs aren’t as strict as yours, I do know the struggle.

    Good luck!

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  69. Lynn*

    For letter number 2 it might be a good idea to show the organizers the glycemic index and which categories they can choose from for meals

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  70. HR Ninja*

    OP#1:

    Try thinking about it this way. You’re not asking for a loan/borrowing money. You’re asking for your wages. She’s the one holding the match to burn a bridge by not paying you what you both agreed on

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  71. Consultant*

    OP 3, my husband and I have worked at competing firms for much of our careers. It’s been largely a non-issue, but I agree it’s best to mention it proactively.

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  72. anononon*

    LW#2:
    I just really want to emphasize that when you have the conversation about including food items you can eat, you need to be SPECIFIC about the type of food. Maybe suggest a few different specific dishes. If what works for you is low-sugar and low-carb, it’s likely many people will grasp that, but you may be dealing with someone whose train of thought is “ahh, low sugar and low-carb” –> “dietary restrictions, for health!” –> “there’s that nearby clean eating place nearby that does granola parfaits and brown rice bowls, maybe we could try that.” You would think it would be obvious, but I don’t know how many times I’ve had the “yeah, I can’t have too much acid, especially in the mornings” conversation and then had to explain why I’m not having any orange juice. I think the health aspect just short-circuits some people’s thinking into offering whatever they personally think of as healthy.

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