my boss gives in to my coworker’s temper tantrums

This was originally published on November 16, 2010.

A reader writes:

I’m preparing for my January yearly evaluation with my boss… and I’m already worrying about some issues I want to bring up. Our department is small with only four positions. The budget person in our office is rather controlling and has made my life difficult these past few months in particular.

My boss is kind but this work colleague (she’s a peer, not a supervisor, and I’ll call her X) does sway her decisions quite a bit since they have worked together the past 10 years.

One of the worst things that has happened these past few months concerns my purchasing duties in the office. I was approached by my boss for a meeting to take away these duties due to X’s concerns. I was not doing the purchasing incorrectly, but X did not like my filing system (which I was never approached about). Since X was going through a death in the family at the time, my boss asked me to just let X take control of those duties instead of fighting her on this.

It’s just gotten worse since then, over the most minute of issues. Just last week, X threw a fit when I left for lunch and only confirmed it with the front desk person and not with her. X threw the fit in front of my boss, and now we have assigned lunch times.

I’ve been at this office over three years, and while I am looking for other jobs, the economy dictates that I’ll be here a bit longer. My question is… how do I bring up my issues with X appropriately during my evaluation? I know that my boss will ask me how I’m doing/feeling at the office… and even though I am uncomfortable speaking out against anyone (feels like tattle-telling for some reason), I would like an easier work environment and my job duties back.

You have assigned lunch times? Your office has bigger issues beyond X herself — you have a manager who gives in to the person who yells the loudest.

Okay, a few things. First, have you approached X yourself about this? It sounds like she’s continually getting the message that she can behave this way with impunity and no one will stand up to her. You don’t even need to take a particularly adversarial approach; you can just calmly express your own reasonable opinion in the face of her crazy one. For instance: “I didn’t let you know when I went to lunch because it would be highly unusual for me being away from the office for an hour to impact your ability to do your job. What are you seeing that I’m missing?” And also, “It seems to me that assigning lunch times is introducing a fairly high level of bureaucracy where none is needed. Let’s talk about the problem that needs to be addressed and figure out the most effective and direct way to fix it.” And, “Hey X, Beth told me that you have some concerns about my filing system. It’s actually been working really well, but tell me what you’re seeing that bothers you so I can figure out if we need to change something.”

Ideally, if you’re not already doing that, you’d start that before involving your boss. If I’m your boss and you tell me that you have a problem with how someone behaves toward you, the first thing I’m going to ask you is what you’ve tried in response. That doesn’t mean that I won’t intervene if you’ve done nothing and the situation is severe enough, but it does mean that I’m going to at a minimum wonder why you haven’t tried asserting yourself, and I might suggest that you try it before I step in. (That said, your boss in this situation is an obvious enabler of X’s bad behavior herself, so I’m not exempting her from blame here at all.)

In any case, you have a couple of options for how to raise this with your boss, depending on what kind of relationship you have with her:

1. You can be straightforward: “X is making it harder for me to do my job because she’s developed a pattern of loudly voicing her opinion about areas that don’t impact her own work, but do impact mine. And because she’s generally the most strident person on any issue that comes up, people seem to find it easier to give in to her. I don’t want to see us making decisions based on who yells the loudest, and I’m worried that we’re getting in a cycle of doing that.”

2. You can frame this as asking for your boss’s advice: “I want to have a good relationship with her but also preserve appropriate boundaries and ensure that we’re making decisions based on what will be most effective, not on who’s asserting themselves the most vigorously. Do you have any advice that will help?”

(This all assumes that you have a boss who is at least somewhat open to reason and who isn’t totally in X’s pocket.)

Also, you don’t have to wait for your evaluation in two months to bring this up. You can raise it in the same way the next time X throws a tantrum.

I’m also wondering about what other ways in which your boss’s willingness to take the easy way out might be playing out. Is this really the only one?

{ 66 comments… read them below }

  1. stellanor

    I once worked in an office with assigned lunch AND assigned breaks. Our work wasn’t customer-facing or time-sensitive, management was just wildly dysfunctional. Despite not speaking to us most days, my boss insisted he must know where all of his employees were at all times.

    1. Rebecca

      I still have this. Break time at 10 and 3; lunch from 12-12:30. And if I leave the building, and my PHB sees me, she wants to know where I’m going. I just say I have an errand.

    2. Neeta(RO)

      Hm interesting. I work in IT and have worked for 3 different companies. All three had set lunch breaks (eg: from 1 – 2 pm), but you could take your lunch break in a different interval provided you let people know and/or no other meetings were scheduled during that time period.

      Am I misunderstanding something here, or why is this such a big deal? I mean just as some companies tell you that you absolutely HAVE to work from 8 till 4pm, I don’t see why having a set lunch time is so horrifying.

  2. EngineerGirl

    I really like Townsend and Cloud’s book “Boundaries”. But be prepared for this: When you start enforcing boundaries it will get worse. The manipulator will whine / scream / hissy fit even more. Don’t ever give in, as that will teach them that louder works. Be calm and very unemotional. That drives them crazy as they are trying to get you to engage so they can trap/get you.

    1. Ann Furthermore

      When I took our dogs to obedience school when they were puppies, the instructor told us that this same thing would happen when we were trying to break a dog’s bad habit. It’s known as the “extinction burst.”

    2. Mallory

      That is so true. We went through a period where our then receptionist had the dean around her little finger and, through whining and deploying feminine wiles, was pretty much calling the shots in our office.

      When everyone else in the office started enforcing boundaries with her, she went into high gear trying to charm the rest of the faculty and recruit them as allies to her “side”.

      My then-new boss (and this is one of the reasons I love him) called me up pretty soon after the receptionist had started this ploy, and asked, “Why is Receptionist being super nice to me all of a sudden?” I told him, “She’s having some sort of conflict with me and is trying to recruit allies.” My boss immediately responded, “Well, that’s not going to happen” and I felt so relieved, because up until then, I had actually been wondering if her tactics would work on him like they were working on the dean.

    3. Anon

      I don’t know much about this, but I’ve seen that happen over and over. The good side is that most people can’t keep throwing the same fit day after day, and they’ll ragequit or get it together.

  3. LBK

    I wish there were an update to this post. I’ve had these kind of “squeaky wheel gets the grease” coworkers/managers before and unfortunately I’ve never had it end in a satisfying way where the whiner stops getting what they want.

    1. LBK

      Well, except for one employee where I was the manager that refused to give in to her and she quit on the spot, so that was pretty satisfying. But I’ve never had it happen when I was the person’s peer.

      1. Ruffingit

        Same here. The boss has already shown she doesn’t want to effectively manage this woman and she is not likely to start. In my experience, the boss will sometimes agree that the person is a problem, but still won’t do anything about it.

        1. LBK

          Yup. They feel like the only way to avoid this person blowing up and causing drama is by just acquiescing as quickly as possible in order to shut them up. It’s resetting the clock on a time bomb rather than just disarming the bomb completely.

      2. Mallory

        We recently had one of our squeaky wheels do a “rage quit” because she was so incensed that people above her were finally putting a stop to her behavior. I was astonished at how quickly it took effect once they decided to draw a hard line with her. Pretty much the very first time she didn’t get her way, and pushed back . . . and still didn’t get her way and pushed back harder . . . and still didn’t get her way, she stormed out of the building all in a huff.

        That was on a Friday. Somewhere between the fit-throwing and storming out of the office, she threatened to quit and the interim dean retorted that she would accept her letter of resignation.

        On Monday, we all waited to see if she would come back or not. She came back on Monday, gave her letter of resignation to the interim dean, and worked the rest of the week.

        Everyone was giddy that week with the knowledge that she was resigning, and I was sorely tempted to bring in a cake with a picture of a door hitting an ass on it.

    2. James M

      I think the correct metaphor is “squeaky wheel gets grease all over everyone else”. I wonder if there is an easy way to tell if a prospective employer is susceptible to manipulation in ways like this.

      1. Anonymous

        I think one way you can find out is to ask about tenure of people in the department (if it’s on the smaller side). Glassdoor reviews and former employees might be a good place to do research as well. I work in an organization that does not put a stop to this kind of behavior (1 person in particular) and it has destroyed the company culture. This persons makes pretty much every interaction with him unpleasant and he is head of the department. He has been there 10 years, the person with the next longest tenure 3 years. After that 1.5 years… People aren’t staying because the work environment is so bad, and so turnover is very high. I’d encourage asking indirect questions prior to joining the organization to find out if turnover is a problem in order to save yourself a great deal of stress in having to deal with a dysfunctional workplace.

        1. James M

          Some good points there. Abnormal turnover certainly suggests inept management, though without specifics. But I suppose specifics aren’t particularly relevant from an applicant’s point of view.

  4. aebhel

    It seems to me that it matters in this situation whether X is pitching the fits at the boss or at the OP. If a coworker is having a tantrum at the boss and the boss decides to acquiesce to it, I’d feel really uncomfortable going around behind them to try to resolve it even if it does involve me. At least in the first case, it sounds like X complained to the boss, not the OP, and going to her after the boss has implemented a solution (however stupid I think that solution might be) would feel like I was undermining the boss’s authority.

    1. Emma the Strange

      I think the same thing also applies for the lunch issue. The OP says that the co-worker “threw the fit in front of my boss, and now we have assigned lunch times.” In other words, the OP didn’t know about the lunch issue until X was already complaining in front of the boss, so there was no opportunity to talk to X about it in private before the boss caved.

      I think any conversation between X and the OP should be more along the lines of “I’d appreciate if you brought these issues up me first, so we could try resolving them without involving the boss.”

      1. Not So NewReader

        My concern here is that at this late point, it would seem like she is trying to circumnavigate the boss. (The screamer will say that to the boss.) So OP should let her boss know that she is aiming for a more peaceful work environment, good will and all that.

  5. Angora998

    I have a question … is this a small business or a division within a larger corporation. That can dediciate how it can addressed. I had a peer like this; I took her place and nothing I could do would make her happy. To top it off I was better liked and easier to work with than her.

    I approached it with her first; than her supervisor. Nothing was done. So I went to HR and asked for a formal mediation. Be sure to document what is taking place. There was one major point that I was able to make … when she was busy she was less apt to focus on what I was doing. She was between contracts … the one she had been on ended and they had yet to assign her to a new one; and she was refusing to work on the main client in our office. The mediation team turned around and informed her that she couldn’t pick and choose her assignments and put her on the current client’s team. Her boss viewed her as a mother figure and wasn ‘t willing to call her on her poor behavior. Side note … he turned around and watched me like a hawk looking for something to get on me. He was such a disappointed, vindictive man … there was nothing … he would look to see when I walked in the door & out. When he got laid off she quit.

    1. Anon.

      Unfortunately, this is a risk when going to HR with a valid issue–the messenger gets shot. Luckily you were able to ride out the storm.

      1. Angora998

        Some individuals have to do the “pay back” even if the complaint is justified. I tried to talking to her and him both and all I got was ugliness. I could have filed a grievance considering what took place against both of them but I asked for mediation instead. My boss quit a few weeks after this; and I got the VP that headed up the mediation team as my manager. When they assigned me to her, I knew our office was on the chopping box. We had gone through 24 people down to 7 in six months (people quitting or choosing to work from home; and they were not filling positions). I loved working for her. She was a psycharist by trade, we did a weekly phone call (she was in another state). Caught up on what was taking place, etc … and I got everything I asked for. But I wasn’t a complainer, and what I needed was justified. He hated it because I got things I wanted. He was a whiner about everything little thing … like how my desk looked. He jumped on me about my mess (he’s OCD .. everything has it’s place) and she talked to him. He tried to retaliate, and got burnt every time.

        I think his unwillingness to manage his own employee and being vindictive played a role in his being in one of the first groups of managers laid off. During the first round of layoffs, he was so happy to see someone else go. I was laid off not long after he was, they let go all of the admins in one big swoop.

        I’m back home now.

  6. Lily in NYC

    Ugh, I worked with one of these types and it was awful. My boss was nonconfrontational and let her get away with screaming at VPs (she was an admin), throwing things at me (she despised me), and coming in 45 minutes late every day (not good for an admin). I complained once to my boss because her behavior was affecting my work – her boss came to me more and more because he didn’t want to deal with her or because she was late.
    I finally took a risk and started documenting the time she came in every day and then stopped doing her work when her boss came to me (he was not my boss in any way). Her boss complained to my boss, which finally got her attention. I then went to my boss with my list of the late arrivals and said that I was getting fed up and was thinking about starting a job search (I was only semi-bluffing). A couple of days later she stormed out of the office after a fit and her boss was furious and they finally got rid of her. It was the only time I’ve ever worried about a disgruntled coworker coming back to murder me.

  7. Alex

    This situation really sucks, I feel for anyone in a similar circumstance. I had a coworker like this as well – the hardest part was that 90% of the time, her and I got along really well, and I genuinely like her as a person. But the other 10% was enough to kill any good feelings I had – it is the only job I’ve had where I actually was so frustrated, after having talked to our boss several times with no change, I quit without notice. I couldn’t stomach being there another day.

    Apparently the two people that held my position prior had stormed out due to this woman’s behavior as well. Nobody seemed to want to deal with her. *Cue Gretchen Wiener’s Caeser speech*

  8. Anon Overseas

    The part with regards to assigned lunch breaks is particularly shocking to me. I graduated about a couple of years ago and all of the post grad full-time positions I have ever worked have assigned lunch breaks. I actually thought this was the norm (or maybe it’s only a norm in the accounting industry??).

    1. Laura

      I’ve never heard of assigned lunch breaks except for scheduled positions where coverage is always required. (Cashiers / salespeople at a store, for example; staff in a restaurant or a hotel; personnel answering phones in a support center.)

      But I’m a software engineer, I work with software engineers, QA personnel, managers, trainers…except trainers when actually training, where there’s a set schedule for the day, none of us have scheduled lunch breaks or even scheduled arrival/departure times. We have to be in during our company’s “core hours” of 9-3 (so you could arrive at 6 and leave at 3 if you really wanted to) other than when we choose to take our lunch, and we have to get our job done, but we don’t have a particular schedule for lunch or breaks.

    2. Joline

      I’m in accounting and we don’t have assigned lunch hours. We have office hours from 8 until 4:30 and you’re supposed to be there approximately. But if you’d rather work 7:30 to 4 or 8:30 to 5 it’s not a big deal as long as you aren’t missing meetings and are getting your work done.

      Where are you? (I’m assuming that with “Anon Overseas” you’re not working in North America) Maybe it’s a locational thing?

      1. Anon Overseas

        Okay, this is shocking to me. Btw, I work in Canada. Just currently overseas on a vacation. =P

        Although, I have coworkers complained about bad management. Maybe assigned lunch break is a red flag.

        1. Joline

          Oh. Ha. I’m in Canada as well. :P

          I don’t think it always has to be. But like people say…it really tends to make more sense in a place where coverage is necessary. I think our reception has pretty-well set lunch hours because there needs to be coverage. The rest of us it’s considered that we’re professionals and should be capable of scheduling our own time. As long as we’re basically around during office hours in order to be accessible.

    3. LBK

      If coverage is not a concern (ie you’re not retail, a restaurant or a call center), assigning lunch break times is straight up bananas. I would be really annoyed if my boss told me when I was allowed to take lunch – I’m perfectly capable of judging my daily workload and taking it at an appropriate time, thanks.

    4. Davey1983

      I work as an accountant/auditor for the US federal government. We don’t have assigned lunch breaks. All my boss has ever said on the issue was as long as I was getting my work done, she didn’t care when I took my lunch break.

    5. Reader

      Spouse works for a state agency. The jobs descriptions actual have the lunch break listed. Most people go then because it’s usual right in the middle of the normal work hours. Always figured this was done because of the number of union positions in state government and it’s just easier to give everyone set hours and lunch. The reality is spouse (non-union) has lunch whenever it suits.

  9. Anonymous

    I also work somewhere with assigned lunch times. Because someone in my department literally CRIED to the boss’s boss because someone else kept taking late lunches and she felt like she could not go at the time she wanted. We’re also only a four person department and can function fine with one or two people for an hour or two. (It’s not really a department where we interact much with customers at all).

    But now we all have assigned lunches and they aren’t even staggered (like 11:30, 12:00, 12:30) but are 11,12,1 and 2. All because one person threw a tantrum about it. This same person also has a fit if more than one person is ever out of work at a time, even though literally no one else cares and it affects her job in no way.

  10. Waiting Patiently

    We did have the lunch break issue, which I’m glad it got resolved. One person complained that we weren’t providing them coverage for their breaks. Our only rule is that as long as you have minimum coverage, you can take your lunch break. It was a control thing, she wanted her team to start breaks after x,y and z was done. Their breaks wasnt starting until 1:30 (they have 4 people). She also wanted to have more than the minimum amount of staff needed. So they would start interrupting our day, asking us to provide coverage. First, our supervisor agreed and ask us to provide coverage after she complained that we didn’t help them enough with lunch break coverage. Luckily my supervisor eventually saw it for what it was…control issues.

    1. EvilQueenRegina

      At my previous job, we had an issue over it – we did have to provide coverage for phones and my one coworker (Mary Margaret) used to insist on a set time so her partner could pick her up and drive her home for a lunch break, always had to be agreed way in advance. At one point, she was insisting that she have the 1pm slot so it broke up her day. Problem was, the other person covering the office (Ruby) was part of a team that had historically closed in the 1pm slot, but that didn’t stop the phones, so for a while it was me having to go early and Mary Margaret and Ruby covering their phones, then the two of them going and leaving me with all three. When I asked if we could change things and take turns rather than me always being the one alone, our manager was fine about it and agreed that, but Mary Margaret accused me of “having a little blow up” at her, which wasn’t the case. Months later, she brought this up again when she’d somehow accidentally been left alone with 4 phones (after someone else joined the team) and made a big fuss over one day.

      Ages afterwards, when she and her partner had split up and he wasn’t driving her home any more, she then felt she wasn’t getting a lunch break and spent ages moaning about it in a team meeting to our supervisor that she was getting a raw deal with lunches, yet turned down every suggestion offered to make it easy for her.

      1. Waiting Patiently

        just wanted to add the coverage we were asked to provide is for ratio, which is does get tricky at times however their team never provide coverage for us…

        I don’t mind stepping in to provide coverage to keep ratios in check for emergency situation but not every single day so their team member can take a 1:30 break. Some days I would find myself covering 2 breaks back to back. That time is a busy time for us. I’m not a floater or relief person.

  11. Elizabeth

    With some minor tweaks, this could have been written by me. A boss who gives in to one particular co-worker who has taken it upon herself to micromanage me (despite not being my manager). Said co-worker does not, and has never, worked in my area, but constantly tells me what I’m going to do (that is, what she wants to do) and in what format (the format that makes the most sense to her) even though we work in completely separate spheres and what I do in no way impacts her ability to do her job. Any task I do takes almost twice as long as it would if I could just complete it independently.

    For complicated reasons, it’s clear this co-worker is not going anywhere, so I been looking to remove myself from the situation. Luckily, I was contacted this afternoon by a colleague at a similar but larger organization who wants to recruit me into his department. We’ve already had an interview a few weeks ago, but he wanted to see if I was still interested, reiterated his own interest in having me, and wanted to find out my salary range. Said he’d be in contact early next week, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

  12. Sunflower

    My office has two bad eggs that are in our customer service rotation. Three years and it’s still drama every time they have to cover. The games start – back and forth so they are not at the desk, they don’t pick up the calls and let the phone ring and ring until someone else picks it up. All the managers are scared of them because they are so volatile and confrontational.

  13. S. Marie

    Did you ever get an update from the Letter Writer? I’m just curious since I was in a similar situation and things reach critical mass and something has to change. I wonder how/what the aftermath was.

  14. StudentA

    I apologize if this was previously explained. But why are we revisiting old posts? Doesn’t that just cause clutter and discourage folks from using the search tool? I can see if Alison changed her mind about an answer, but otherwise, I am baffled. Is that the case here and in the other reposts?

    1. tina

      If I remember correctly, it’s partly so newer readers can see some of the older posts, and so Alison can take an afternoon off :)

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        That’s correct. There are lots of older posts buried in the archives that newer readers don’t otherwise see. It also allows me to have a break at the end of the week (alternately, we could have no third post on Fridays, but people seem to prefer this).

        1. Mephyle

          “…that newer readers don’t otherwise see.”
          Raise your hand if you also read the entire AAM archives.

          1. vox de causa

            I totally devoured the archives when a friend turned me on to Ask a Manager. However, I still see a few come up on Fridays that I don’t remember reading.

            1. Phyllis

              For what it’s worth; I really like the reposts. I only discovered AAM about a year ago. I read the archives some, but there’s a lot of them I haven’t read yet.

          2. Ask a Manager Post author

            I absolutely love the feeling when you discover a new site that you love and there are archives for you to spend hours/days in. It’s cool to know that people feel like that about this one!

            1. Not So NewReader

              I think that it gives newcomers an opportunity to lurk and just acquaint themselves with this site and the advice/comments on this site. I read for a while before I started posting and I see others saying things such as “long time lurker, first time poster”.

              I think the archives do a lot to bring in new readers. What got me was the long term consistency- Alison stands by what she says, and she backs it up with examples/reasons. Over and over we see the same consistent train of thought. And the comments are just awesome.

            2. Windchime

              It took me weeks to go through the archives. After I discovered this site, I went clear back to the beginning and read everything. It was awesome.

              The nice thing is, that there is so much content that these “blast from the past” posts still sometimes feel new to me. So either I didn’t really read all the archives like I thought, or there is just so much there that I can’t possibly remember it all.

            3. Muriel Heslop

              My husband doesn’t have time to read regularly, but he loves to cruise through the archives when he has a chunk of time. The archives are great!

        2. Anon

          I’ve really the reposts, since I’ve been reading AAM for about a year. The responses to a few have really helped me with things happening at work now. And they’re still interesting to talk about, especially some of the weirder ones.

        3. Gwen Soul

          I also like seeing how comments and attitudes may change. We are all in a different midset then in 2009-2012, so advice can change also I think.

  15. Hummingbird

    All my coworker has to do is become “extremely upset” and the managers give her exactly what she wants.

    I’m doing my damnedest to find gainful employment elsewhere. But I’m real tempted to tell them that her behavior and their succumbing to it is what is making me leave!

  16. bullyfree

    When allowed, the temper tantruming co-workers rule the office. In my experience, these bullies use situations like a death in the family to push their agenda. For some reason, managers cave again and again and excuse the behavior, don’t address it, because bully is going through something their personal life.

    One bully co-worker who was obsessed with my comings and goings complained frequently that I didn’t put when I’d be out of the office to the point it was made mandatory for the whole office of about 12 people. Note, my going to doctor appointments in no way affected her work load or did anyone need to cover for me. Once the calendar was made mandatory, Bully co-worker refused to put her time out of the office on the calendar!

      1. sunflower

        What is that about? They do that in my office too. Don’t put their time in our group calendar so phone coverage can be monitored but are the lowest paid secretaries. You would think they would want to be part of the team, but this one person in particular always acts as she can.

    1. Darcy Pennell

      I don’t think it’s a good idea to diagnose people based on a description in an advice column. There’s plenty to say about the coworker’s terrible behavior without speculating that she has a personality disorder.

  17. Not So NewReader

    Well, OP, it looks like if you pitch a fit then you will get the things you want, too.

    Not intended to be actual advice.

    But it could be something useful later on: “Boss, if we all came in here and pitched a fit when we wanted something this place would become an absolute nightmare to work for. It’s not good now. Can you imagine everyone behaving this way?”

  18. GenericGen

    I just had this experience with my last job. Management was lax and those who screamed the loudest were given special treatment. I was hired to help out with several coworker’s workloads. All of them complied except one who would not train me. I was to take over about a quarter of her workload and be backup on the rest. (I think the fact that she spent every hour, on the hour, on long smoke breaks explains why she was not able to get her job done.)

    I was minimally trained on a small portion of what was to be my duties from “Jane” and when I asked for her help, she would refuse to give me an answer or provide training. The emails my manager sent her asking her to train me were ignored. Only when I got the manager directly involved would she answer my questions and then she was nasty and short with us. He put up with it and did nothing, telling me “We can’t upset Jane” while rolling his eyes and sighing. I guess he feared a ragequit too. She was aware of this and would not allow anyone to learn her job, which was essential to business but certainly not anything unique and anyone with average intelligence could learn it.

    Oh, did I mention that, when I was hired, rumors went around that the hiring manager was my friend? And that the hiring manager wasn’t well liked? I was not friends with the manager; I was referred to the position by an acquaintance and did not meet the manager until the interview. And, as a result of the rumors, I was poorly treated by about half of the staff – the half that didn’t like the manager.

    I am just relieved to be out of there. I suspect that this business will fold in the not too distant future.

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