open thread – August 25-26, 2017

by Alison Green on August 25, 2017

It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything work-related that you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

Also!  I’m still swamped with things outside of this site so I’ve been in the comments less and moderating less than usual in the last couple of weeks. I have pockets of time here and there, but it’s way less than it normally is. That will probably continue a week or two longer.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please don’t repost it here, as it may be in the to-be-answered queue :)

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  1. OG Anon*

    Am I crazy to be thinking about leaving my job after a year (for the second time in a row?)

    Some context: last year I was in my first job out of grad school and after I’d been there about 8 months, the organization announced layoffs, my boss went to part time and asked our team to take unpaid time off to save money. I started looking for a new job with more stability and accepted the first offer I received, doing the same work at a different organization. I thought it would be a good change, but I’ve been here a year and have huge concerns about the culture and team dynamic (I wrote in a few weeks ago about my boss being paranoid I’d get pregnant and leave…there are serious boundary issues, professionalism is non-existent, I could go on)

    I was referred to a job at another, well-respected organization by a former coworker and I have an interview next week. Does anyone have suggestions of questions I could ask both my former coworker and the hiring manager to avoid jumping ship just to find myself in another toxic situation?

    1. MuseumChick*

      I think in context this all sounds very reasonable. You can explain what happened at your first job easily enough, as for your current job you can go with something vague. Good luck in your interview!

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      Does the coworker you referred to actually work there? If so, I’d ask her as much as you can — I don’t have a lot of trust in what interviewers say when questioned about the culture, since they’re often trying to sell you on the job. (Have been burned badly by interviewers who were flat out told to sell me rather than answer my questions honestly, because they really needed someone to start working there ASAP.) It’s much more enlightening to talk to someone who works there and has no interest in the hiring decision.

      1. OG Anon*

        Yes, she does! She would be on my team at the new org, and she left my current org last December for a lot of the same reasons I’m looking to leave so I think I can talk openly and honestly with her about my concerns!

        1. Hmmmmm*

          Leaving a job after a year is only really a problem when trying to get past the first step. If you already have an in and an interview, particularly on the referral of someone who can vouch for you without needing to be explicitly told what your reasons are, you have already side stepped the biggest hurdle. I wouldn’t even talk about it unless you two get lunch or something and she asks.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      There was a thread a few weeks ago about ‘what signs of a toxic workplace did you see or not see’, you might hunt that up to get more details. IIRC, the basic suggestions were:
      1) Ask why this position is open – is it new, was there someone before, if yes, why did that person leave
      2) Ask about the manager’s style – hands off, hands on, etc. Neither is inherently bad, you’re looking for a match with your style.
      3) Try to talk to potential coworkers and walk around the workplace, looking at the people who work there. Do they seem unhappy? Tense?
      4) Ask about overtime / hours worked, especially with coworkers. Do they seem frustrated about their time?

      Alison’s general advice on switching jobs in less than a year is that you can do it once, even twice, but you have to spend at least three years in the next job or it looks bad to employers. If the former coworker is close enough, you could mention some unprofessional things that frustrate you and ask the coworker how the new job would handle it.

      But there’s no guarantees. The new job could get a new manager any time, and the new manager might not be good. Focus on developing your boundaries and your professionalism, that will be the most help in any workplace.

    4. Audiophile*

      Definitely ask about culture. Ask about the organization’s plans for the next few years, challenges they’re facing, etc.

      I have gone through the same thing. I took a job at a dysfunctional organization, that 6 months in laid me off. Moved to another organization that was even more dysfunctional, where I was for 7 months and then laid off. The only saving grace in both situations was it taught me what to look for. I learned some big lessons and the company I’m current with, while there are issues, it’s so much better than the last two. The role and organization are more structured and I can see myself staying put for a while.

    5. The IT Manager*

      I think this is an example of be sure of the new job because you will have trouble finding another job if you have or term/less than a year stints on your resume.

      1. Audiophile*

        Eh I don’t know, I had 2 short stints, at similar jobs.

        While I feel a certain amount of pressure to stay in my current role for least 2 years, I’m pretty confident I could find another role if need be.

        I will say prior to those short stints, I had a contract role that lasted for 4 years. That was harder to explain than the shorter stints.

      2. JN*

        It might depend on the field in question. Back when I was teaching, I left the first district because my grant-funded position couldn’t be retained when the funding levels were cut. Next school, I didn’t want to stay there a second year and I wasn’t the same religion as that private school (workable for a year but they understandably wanted someone of their faith beyond that time). Third place was the year from hell, and I quit teaching after that so it didn’t matter so much–but yes, I can easily see that schools I applied to that next summer might have looked at my paperwork and wondered why I wasn’t staying in one school/district more than a year. Fortunately, after a short-term job, my next position (in a new field) was 3 years and my current is 5 and counting.

        1. RS*

          I’m in a similar boat. I was at a job I liked but was laid off so the job lasted a year. I thought I asked all of the correct questions about a “toxic workplace” for my current position, but unfortunately within the first month the company got flipped upside down. My position is not what I interviewed for, I do not have any direction in the office and I am unhappy. Is it wrong of me to leave?

        2. Julianne*

          I agree that for teaching in particular, this is fairly common, although certainly not ideal, both because it’s a pain to be constantly job hunting all the time and because (like with most jobs) there’s a lot of merit, growth wise, to staying in the same or a similar role for several years. (What I’m saying is: new teachers, fear not if it takes a few years to find the right school, but don’t think you have to jump ship if you’re content and stable where you are.)

  2. Karen*

    I have a few questions. I’ve received feedback that I’m missing out on advancement opportunities due to my lack of experience leading teams (although I’ve been told my other leadership experience is good). So, I want to highlight the limited experience that I do have in this area.

    1. For the past 2 years, I worked on a team of about 5 people. I had one full time employee who reported to me. We also regularly had a co-op student. They would be there for 4 months at which time they’d be replaced by a new co-op student. The co-op student was sort of “shared” by everyone (depending on who had work for the person at the time). Even though the person officially reported to one of us, they ended up doing work for all of us at some point. But, for a fair chunk of the time I was there (probably 5 months or so), the student did work that related to things I was working on. Even though they didn’t “officially” report to me, am I able to say on my resume that “I led one full time employee and one co-op student”? Is there a better way to phrase it given the circumstances?

    2. I also volunteer for a local organization. My position has an assistant that handles some of the more mundane tasks. My position is on the board of directors and hers is not, and it feels clear that she assists me and I feel comfortable saying that “I lead her”. Here is what I’m less sure of: My position is “Membership Director”. When I joined the organization, I worked with the outgoing membership director to transfer the duties over. It quickly became clear that she was “just barely getting by” and that my technical skills were far stronger than hers. This is relevant because the organization was in the process of transferring their membership database from an excel spreadsheet to a more sophisticated online tool. While there was some time spent getting up to speed, the situation ended up being more that I ended up guiding her on how we should make the transition. And most of the work was done by me. I want to make reference to this on my resume about leading a team of two (outgoing membership director and the membership assistant), but I don’t know if this will seem odd or if it’s a reasonable thing to say (or, I guess, if there’s a better way to say it).

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      I would probably say, ‘lead small teams in professional and volunteer roles, completing projects x and y’, but my resume is very concise.

      1. Where's the Le-Toose?*

        I like this summary. Identifying the team as another employee and a co-op worker gives the impression it’s just really leading one person, and working with one other person is not really leading a team.

        Also, I agree with Susan’s point below that going to your manager and asking for more opportunities to lead is a great way to do it. I manage a team of 19 at my office and there are two people who work for me who want to promote and always ask me for opportunities. The rest wait to be asked. Guess who gets more opportunities to shine!

    2. Susan*

      It sounds like you have some good people skills and technical skills. Where I work, a team would be generally be 5 people or more; we wouldn’t describe coordinating with one other person, even if that person was clearly less senior (for even, an intern) as leading a team. That’s primarily because leading a group of people is an entirely different dynamic than coordinating with one other person. I wouldn’t try to portray the experience you have as leading any kind of team, but it does sound like you could call it taking the lead on specific work.

      Maybe you can talk to your management about wanting and feeling ready for opportunities to lead a small group for specific tasks? It might also be possible to seek out volunteer opportunities that would involve actually leading a small team – although again, I would recommend thinking of a small team as at least 3 people other than you. A big part of the challenge of leading a team is dealing with situations in which team members disagree not only with you but with each other – and with establishing an environment in which diverse people can and will work together – and that just isn’t experience you get by working with one other person, even when you are the lead.

      1. Karen*

        I will say that teams tend to be smaller in my area of work. It would be unusual for anyone at my company to lead more than 3 – 4 people.

  3. Pregnant Attorney*

    Does anyone have recommendations on where to find professional maternity clothes that won’t break the bank? I typically wear suit pants and a nice blouse for non-court work, but almost all of the maternity wear I’ve seen is too casual for my office. Dresses and a suit jacket won’t be practical when it’s 20 degrees out, and most pants seem to be leggings or material that’s not formal enough.

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      Not sure what your budget is but I’ve bought a few items from Motherhood Maternity and Gap online (not pregnant, just have a big stomach…oy). Old navy also has a few nice things, but there’s more variety online.

    3. HisGirlFriday*

      When I was PG, I bought a ton of stuff on ThredUp. You can get gently used (or new-with-tags!) clothes for pennies on the dollar, and they have a great selection of professional attire. I don’t have to wear suits in my job, but I do have to dress up routinely, and I found a lot of great deals there.

      1. Triplestep*

        I’ve written about this here before, but I tell anyone who is thinking about ordering from ThredUp to read the online reviews. (One of them is mine; wish I had read the reviews first) The giant dip in their scores after about the first year is telling. The number of women who now report sending bags of clothing only to recoup fractions of pennies on the dollar is staggering. I believe ThredUp started out dealing fairly, but then got too big, brought in some new people, and now you can be sure that if you are getting a great bargain, it’s because another woman has been taken advantage of. I wish more people would not support their unethical business practices.

    5. AMPG*

      I got a couple of pairs of professional-looking black pants from Motherhood Maternity and just wore those all the time. Blouses are easier to find, IME, and nobody really cares if you’re wearing the same pants all the time. I wouldn’t discount dresses with tights in the winter, since you’ll probably be much much warmer than you think. Also, I found that I could drop a notch in formality as my pregnancy went on and nobody minded. I don’t know how strict your dress code is, though.

      Other good sources are consignment shops, FB tag sale groups, or Freecycle.

    6. Dawn*

      I just learned this week that H&M has a maternity line- looking at their options it seems like you’d be able to put together a good suit pants and blouse wardrobe for not a ton of money!

    7. LeahElizabeth*

      Le Tote does a maternity rental service that I absolutely love. (If there is something in a tote that you love then you have the option to purchase that item at a reduced cost.) I’ve gotten most of my maternity work clothes from them. I ran into the same problem with casual clothing working in finance.

    8. RAKG*

      Ditto eBay, I got a lot of great used professional looking dresses, about $15 each including shipping.

    9. Dr. Johnny Fever*

      I bought my maternity wear at Target. I found a variety of nice tops and pants that were business appropriate and priced well considering how little I would wear it.

    10. attornaut*

      Loft/ann taylor online is typically where I bought maternity pants for my office; they are the same as their regular pants in maternity. You could also supplement with something like Le Tote or another subscription box–keep the clothes for when they fit, and you can return them when they don’t. You can also try H&M, which seems really weird, but about 10% of their maternity clothes would actually work in a professional setting and 100% are affordable so it’s worth clicking through the website.

    11. LSP*

      This thread just made me flash back to when I was pregnant and my belly had just popped and was no longer fitting into my work pants, so I slipped on a pair of maternity work pants for the first time.

      OMG! They were so comfortable! Me and my lingering baby belly long for the ability to wear those pants to work still.

      1. Alston*

        Never been pregnant, but I wore maternity pants for like a year because they were so comfortable. Started originally because I broke my wrists and couldn’t put on any of my pants (all had buttons or zippers). Soooooooo comfy. Why not wear them still?

    12. Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way!*

      You may also be able to just go up a size or two in regular pants and/or shirts. I did this for most of my pregnancy. Otherwise I picked up a few pieces from Target.

      1. Southern Ladybug*

        And I found that Target online has a MUCH better selection. Since you can return in store, I bought several items online, tried on at home, and then took back what didn’t work in store. It’s so hard to tell what will work and at least at my local Target(s) it was more t-shirts and jeans – not dresses and skirts etc – in store.

    13. Southern Ladybug*

      I echo the suggestions already made. You also can try facebook buy/sell groups. In my city we have a few for quality clothing and maternity clothes regularly are posted. I actually have a maternity suit posted on one right now.

    14. Anonarama*

      I really like Ann Taylor/Loft’s maternity pants. They actually look like professional clothing first rather than maternity clothing. I am furious at the impossibility of finding professional maternity wear though. I have found about a million more maternity jean short options than I have regular maternity black work dress pant options.

    15. JGray*

      Target has pretty good maternity clothes but in my case my local target didn’t carry much so I had to order everything online (& I’m rural so Target wouldn’t deliver to my house had to get everything sent to work- heck I still have this problem). It was actually the only place I could find a coat to wear in the winter once my stomach got so big that my regular coat didn’t fit. I think they have dress pants but don’t hold me to that because I was lucky enough that the place I worked when I was pregnant had a casual dress code so I could get away with that. I also ordered some turtleneck sweaters from target last fall that were really flowy. They could probably work while pregnant. So maybe for tops you could look at non maternity clothes and get something that would work in your workplace.

    16. Coffee*

      I use Le Tote for maternity clothes and love it. It’s really nice to not have to buy professional maternity clothes and have a lot of variety.

    17. Bobbin Ufgood*

      I feel you – I’m also professional but probably don’t need to look quite as nice as an attorney. Target and Ann Taylor (on line is best for selection, some physical locations don’t have maternity) both have some stuff. Don’t discount a good pair of black maternity tights for winter (I live in the UPPER midwest — I know from cold — also, remember — being pregnant keeps you warm from the inside). I also found the belly bands + flowy suit shell tops pretty useful for early/mid pregnancy so I could still wear my good suits.

      The maternity stores (motherhood) are depressingly informal/not work-appropriate for professionals for most of their items

    18. Bespectacled elephant*

      I got a ‘lot’ of professional maternity clothes on eBay. Just google those terms with the term ‘lot’. Also check your thrift stores in person

  4. anon today*

    I really hate my job. To the point that it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning, I’m so stressed that I’m stress eating and have gained 10 pounds, and my work quality has gone from over-performer to middling to the point that my boss has probably noticed.

    It’s a toxic environment, I’m overworked and under appreciated, and my boss micromanages and punishes me for being a good worker. There’s a constant threat of layoffs. My boss routinely gives me work other people slack off on. I’m so burnt out and unhappy. I can’t talk to my boss about being unhappy because he’ll lose it.

    I’ve been interviewing for a year and a half at this point with no luck. I recently had a job where it was between me and another candidate, and they went with the other candidate because they asked for less money.

    I don’t know what to do. I’d love to quit, but I can’t quit without a new job because I don’t have enough money to keep myself afloat and I’m drowning in medical debt I had to put on credit cards. I don’t have friends or family who could help me out. I’m miserable to the point where I’ve been considering any situation that would get me out of going to work, and I know that’s not healthy. I just really don’t know how much longer I can stand going to this job.

    1. atexit8*

      Don’t put pressure on yourself.
      I suggest reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
      Pick what is important and ignore the rest.
      It applies to work.

    2. anon for this*

      No advice, but I’m sorry. I’ve been there. I still have the scars from coming home from work and sitting down with a razor blade and using it on my arms because I was so miserable and treated so poorly I couldn’t think clearly anymore. My last job a combination of work stress and medical problems caused me to gain 20 pounds in my last month.

      I hope you can find another job soon! Don’t give up! Take good care of yourself in the meantime. Whatever you can do in your off time, walk in the woods, take a yoga class, get a new hair style or a manicure, whatever you are into. Be good to yourself!

      Good luck!

    3. Summerisle*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I’ve been in similar situations and I know how utterly terrible it can be.
      Sadly there’s not much advice on the job hunt front apart from to keep on trying, keep on applying and keep your focus on the fact that this is just a *temporary* part of your life as much as possible. Psychologically, it’s difficult but I found it helped to work out what I could and couldn’t control; for example, you can control your own performance but not the behaviour/professionalism levels of others. That helped with putting some psychological “distance” between me and the toxic situation. It might also be worth talking to a healthcare provider about your thoughts and feelings, if this is something you think might help.
      I hope you find something very soon and can leave this job in the dust!

    4. Hey Karma, Over here.*

      You need a hobby. No, I’m not being flippant. I’m serious. Your job situation is the center of your life and that’s not good. Hell, if you had the best job in the world and you couldn’t wait to get there in the morning and hated to leave at night, that would not be good, either. So think of something you want to do and MAKE IT A PROJECT. There are a million life hacks to get through things more easily. But getting through the tough times when all you can do is wait…yeah, there’s no app for that. You have to make your own.
      You can’t make your boss change; you can’t make someone hire you. What can you do, that you can control completely? There’s exercise* Make up a schedule for walking. Dig through your closet and see what clothes you could wear. Investigate those step apps for your phone. Geneology research. I don’t know if there’s any free sites, though. Start following your favorite sports team again. Hell, learn a language or learn how to change the oil and other stuff for your car.
      Doing something for you will put crappy job into perspective. It’s your job, not your life.

      (*Not my first choice. So no judgement about your weight concerns. My sanctuary is my artroom. Mine, all mine. But even there, I come up with a project so I feel like I accomplished something.).

      1. anon today*

        I have hobbies. I just can’t gather enough interest in them. I do exercise, but when I’m stressed I just gain weight for a variety of reasons (binge eating, restless sleep, etc)

        I’m miserable to the point that it’s affecting everything outside work because I can’t stop thinking about the next time I’ll have to go into the office. Everything I enjoyed just doesn’t help me anymore.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          It sucks that you’re where you are, and internet hugs if you want them. We spend so much time at work that it is overwhelming and can drive everything else out.

          I’m way better at advice than sympathy, so here’s advice:
          1) Google “Captain Awkward how to work while depressed” and read that advice
          2) Find some kind of ‘team you’ for emotional support; there are therapists that will work on sliding scales if no one else. Just because they can’t do money doesn’t mean family and friends can’t help.
          3) Maybe start writing things down in a ‘Kitchen Confidential’ or ‘Office Space’ sort of way?
          4) I don’t remember if it was here or Captain Awkward, but someone posted how to spend a day using movies as therapies. Watch something super sad, then something violent, then funny (again, Office Space sounds appropriate), repeat until you feel better.

          Remember, you have a plan, you will get out someday.

        2. RabbitRabbit*

          I know we’re not supposed to armchair diagnose, but loss of interest/motivation in otherwise enjoyable activities is not good. I’ll suggest you might find useful a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) self-guided workbook for depression; they have some inexpensive ones on Amazon, like the one by Knaus and Ellis.

          1. LBK*

            I think seeing a therapist during hard times is a solid idea for anyone, even people without a mental health diagnosis.

            1. RabbitRabbit*

              Very true. Normally I’d recommend it but since huge amounts of medical debt was cited, I figured I’d suggest one of the more feasible (and fairly reliable) self-help methods. CBT has some really good results generally, and it’s focused on eliminating the negative thought patterns and self-defeating things that people do, to enable them to react in a more healthy fashion.

        3. Hey Karma, Over here.*

          Oh wow. That is not good at all. I’m sorry you are going through this. If there is any way you can see a medical professional, even talking to your PCP, please try it.

        4. Moose and Squirrel*

          That sounds like full blown depression to me. I’ve been there. My last job made me mentally and physically ill, and I had no desire to do anything I used to love. Please talk to your primary care doc about depression screening and/or seeing a psychiatrist. Also ask for a referral to a therapist. Therapy helped me immensely when I was stuck in a toxic job and desperate to get out. It’ll make things a lot more tolerable until you can jump ship to a better situation. Good luck and please keep us updated.

      2. Beancounter Eric*

        +1

        Go for a walk, read a book, learn needlepoint , volunteer, bake brownies….or one of my favorites, go fly a kite!!

      3. Vicky*

        +1 to hobby idea. I also experienced this in my last job (very toxic) that I left 3 months about. My job satisfaction was zero and yeah, I was so miserable to the point where I was so pissed off every morning noon and night I was driving everyone around me nuts. So I started a film festival and every day after work I worked on my fest and staged an event this past June. it was the best and it really helped me out of my rut.

        Another thing I want to mention (and this is something I would not have considered possible while in the thick of toxic job) is that, like bad relationships, bad jobs teach us what we will and will not accept in life and work. In the words of captain awkward, that crap job taught me how to ride the nope-topus. It taught me that I must advocate for myself and that no one will do it for me, and that we never have to be okay with being treated like a lesser person.

        Hang in there! there is light at the end of the tunnel And you will come out a richer and more rounded person

    5. Airedale*

      I have been there. I’m now in a new job that I love. Please hang in there. You WILL get out, and it will feel better than you even imagine. Don’t give up hope.

    6. Not really a waitress*

      If I had the answer…. I would send it to you with a bouquet of flowers… I work in a terrible toxic environment. Example, I asked for whole day off today as I am flying out this afternoon to get my mom WHO IS MOVING IN WITH ME. And I still have a ton to do in my house to ready for her. No Boss he needed me to come in so we could meet… meeting was some stuff nothing urgent until the big reveal… writing me up for something so trivial and minor… it wasn’t worth the ink. Letting me know my place thats all. In next breath, asks me how to use my personal amazon prime account so they can order some stuff for office. (OLD accounts payable person and I would use it. ) REALLY? By the way this is minor compared to other stuff they have pulled.

      I have applied and interviewed for so many jobs. Finalists on jobs. One asked for references then ghosted me (and never called references) . I am paid well under market value while taking on more and more responsibility outside of scope. I was losing weight and doing good, then I just snapped and now all I want to do is cry and carb load.

      I have no advice for you other than you are not alone and that as I told my mom I need to keep fouling off the pitches till I get the right one.

    7. Argh!*

      Same boat. Micromanaging boss that criticizes every little thing but never acknowledges work well done, or even work done at all. Prevented from disciplinary action against insubordinate subordinate. No raise this year.

      My boss’s new name (in my mind): Dunning Kruger. Totally incompetent yet she thinks she’s great.

    8. Susan*

      I wonder if it would help to get some counseling. You say that you have hobbies but can’t get interested in them just now because you’re so miserable and have no energy – that sounds like you could be depressed. Although part of the advice that any social worker/therapist gives you is going to be to put more energy into something that isn’t work. Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. I would recommend signing up for a volunteer position – some kind of commitment that doesn’t take a great deal of interaction, but that requires you to show up at a regular time and do something specific. If you like animals, walking dogs at a local shelter is a great volunteer activity. You get some exercise, you get some unconditional love, you get out of your house and your head. You will feel better.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Not what you asked, but you may want to see what you can do about that debit on the credit card.

      Maybe the credit card company will lower their rate when they know it is mostly medical debt. Or maybe you can get the doctor to reduce his bill and perhaps credit your card.

      I see that you can’t ask friends and fam to help. How about acquaintances? Are there friendly folks around you who would be willing to keep an ear out for jobs in your field? You know, some of the most helpful people in my life are in that outer circle of acquaintances, friends and family can overthink things or they forget, whatever. For whatever reason, acquaintances have been the most supportive to me as far as jobs.

      What this means is thinking of people you used to work with, live near and so on, and whose relationship you enjoyed or they always seemed pleased to see you. Also think of people you come in contact with at work, but do not work at your company. Go carefully on this one, maybe you can just get ideas of where you might check for openings. Once in a while, you might be able to find out if there are openings.

      For the more immediate, do you have a friend/ally at work? Someone who you know will commiserate with you and cheer your successes? Perhaps there is someone trying to be friendly/supportive and you didn’t really notice? If you have at least one friendly face at work this can be enough to limp along sometimes.

    10. You Got This*

      I was at this point just a few weeks ago.

      1. If you can, take a few days off in a row. Do something fun or nothing at all. Getting a break from the office helped me regroup and be calm.
      2. Do something nice for yourself–whatever that means. I found a groupon for a massage and treated myself to one, but it doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. Just do something that will make you feel good.
      3. Find a counselor. Finding someone impartial and removed from my situation helped me work through my feelings of frustration / anxiety, etc.
      4. (This was a recommendation from my counselor) Get a short-term prescription for a sleeping aid. I only got a 1 month prescription for a more hardcore sleeping drug than I normally take, and wow, it’s made a huge difference. Just being able to sleep has helped SO much and really helped take the edge off.
      5. Is there anything you can do to improve your work environment? I found that moving spots, walking during lunch, or even adding a few cutesy décor items to my office helped me not hate the space I was working in.
      6. Action combats anxiety. Do something to move you towards a new job. Apply to more jobs, take a class that will help boost your resume, or volunteer.

      1. Fenchurch*

        +1 for taking a little time off. Nothing better than getting a mental break from a toxic environment.

        Really, great advice all around.

      2. RB*

        I second the taking days off thing. Make sure you are using all your vacation each year. They can’t stop you from using this if it’s in your benefits package. Take the days off when it’s best for you and don’t worry about leaving them in the lurch. They need to be prepared for when you leave and this will help them see all the stuff you’re doing that they don’t appreciate.
        I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    11. Lora*

      Oof. Been there. Internet hugs if you want them.

      Keep plugging away at the interviewing and brush up your LinkedIn if you haven’t already. All the usual stuff, networking etc etc.

      For me, personally, I told my primary care doc how miserable I was and she gave me SSRIs, which helped immensely. It definitely changes your give-a-rat’s-butt scale. And I took up hobbies that got me out of the house and around people who weren’t total jerks – I did the whole work-to-live thing, whereas normally I am very much defined by my job.

      Agree w/ what others have said regarding prioritizing and the work you’re given: if you’re going to be punished for being a good worker, it doesn’t make any difference if you’re a bad worker or a good worker, you get punished either way. If you turn in solid B work instead of your A game, that’s OK and it will relieve some of your stress.

      Also, find someone to vent to. Whether that’s a good friend, a group of similarly disgruntled colleagues, a relative, a therapist is up to you. But it definitely helps.

    12. BRR*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. My job was very similar until a few weeks ago when I got a new, competent manager. There are some great suggestions here already. Things I also tried were meditating with the head space app and basically making a pact with a non-toxic coworker to help each other stay sane.

    13. PunkRock PM*

      I’m in a similar situation with a toxic, hostile, workplace bullying, environment and there are no simple answers or quick fixes. The best you can do at this time is to mitigate the environment as best as you can until you exit. And yes, it IS exhausting.

      You are not alone.

      There ARE things that you can do if you aren’t doing them already:

      1. If you haven’t done so already, find yourself a good therapist and medical providers ASAP.
      2. DBT, combined with therapy and medication can help with the depression and anxiety.
      3. Look into FMLA ASAP. Yes, anxiety and depression are illnesses and getting out of the environment will help you gain a restful place to put things into perspective. These are also protected under ADA.
      4. Start creating your exit strategy – interviewing and looking for other jobs is perfect. Look at how you can buff up your emergency fund as well. If you have to stop paying on credit cards to buff this, so be it.
      5. Read as much as you can on Toxic workplaces, bullying, etc. A good place to start is: http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/definition/
      6. Practice self care, whatever that looks like to you. Reading, walking, long tub baths, yoga, etc.
      7. Makes sure you are getting your vitamins, up your vitamin D and B’s.
      8. Love the “Give no F****” book. Read “Knock ’em Dead” to help you with your job search. Make THAT your full-time job and I normally wouldn’t advocate using company time, but F*** them. Apply for ALL THE THINGS!
      9. Work on radical acceptance that you work for a bully. You are not going to change your environment. So what if your work suffers – lower your standards and just do what you can. You are on your way out and your boss is a bully. He will just find something else to bully you about.
      10. Being laid off is scary, but might be a blessing in disguise. Pad that emergency fund.

      You are NOT alone.

      1. Another Liz*

        Blessing in disguise-so much this. Currently fighting for unemployment benefits here, but even with the financial concerns I feel so much better being out of my toxic workplace. I’d rather take a seasonal job at the mall to make ends meet than go back there. The first week was emotionally exhausting, but I have a much clearer thought process now. Never getting that place out of my head was so much me, no matter how much I tried to focus on other things. I was taking extra medications to sleep at night, haven’t needed them once since being let go. And I feel like I will have a better interview presence now that I am not an anxious wreck. I hope you get out soon, hang in there.

    14. Anna*

      Make sure you’re doing some self-care. If that includes taking a day off here or there or possibly seeing a therapist to help you detox until you can get a new job, then do that. There’s a chance that being able to express your frustration and unhappiness to someone who won’t flip out on you will help you get through until you can move on. I think sometimes all the horrible stuff is so right in front of us, it’s hard to look at the big picture and figure out a way to get through it and get to something better.

    15. Zip Zap*

      What else could you do to earn income? Have you looked into gig economy stuff, remote work, making something that you could sell, and other stuff like that? Are you networking? Have you tried volunteering as a way to network and build up your resume? Could you take a few days off and really focus on stuff like that?

      I think you need to get out of there as soon as possible. Reach out to people and try to come up with a plan, even if it’s just a temporary way to pay the bills while job searching.

      Take care of yourself. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You can do better. Good luck!

    16. NDQ*

      Four and a half years ago, I could have written your post. I was in a job that was a bad fit and I was miserable. I hated going to work and I lived for the weekends. But then I couldn’t enjoy the weekends because Monday came too quickly. I applied for jobs and interviewed, but nothing came of it and there was no way I could just quit without the next full-time job lined up. I was anxious, I couldn’t sleep without a prescription pill, and I felt trapped.

      It was the trapped feeling that motivated me to change how I was living. Knowing that I couldn’t quit because I didn’t have any money saved started the thought process. I read every book on personal finance at the library, listened to podcasts and read websites on financial independence – all the free resources. I read books on tax planning, learned the ins and outs of school loan repayments, and then starting creating my game plan for my future. All the reading I did made me think not just about how I wanted to work, but how I wanted to live and what I wanted retirement to look like. I also looked at my family members for inspiration, especially the happily retired ones!

      My plan was to save up and buy a three or four unit rental property. I was living paycheck to paycheck, so I had to figure out how to save as much as I could every day. Again, I read books, read websites and listened to podcasts. There is a ton of information out there, and little by little, I set aside money. Not much at first, but every cent counted. Last year, I bought the first property, a four-plex. I live in one unit, rent out the others. I am nearly ready to buy property number two. I figure after I have three or four multi-family properties, I can retire from full-time employment. I did eventually get out of the bad job and into a great job, but taking control of my financial future gave me a much better outlook on life, increased my confidence and it’s a lot easier to not give a f*** when you have the financial security to fall back on.

      The upside is, if I were to lose my job now, I wouldn’t panic. I no longer feel trapped. I know I have lots of options and I know that I can manage money well, invest it well and creatively solve money problems. My advice for you is to dig into your own financial situation, learn what you can, get out of debt and start planning your future. You may want to consider taking on a part time job in the evenings or weekends to help knock out the loans faster.

      I wish you all the best!
      NDQ

  5. Fishasaurus*

    I need a better term than “data nerd” to describe my love of collecting, organizing, classifying, and playing around with data. I work in STEM, specifically natural resources management. I do support work, mainly in a lab setting, kind of mid-level stuff, I’m not a PI or postdoc or anything. I usually support those kinds of roles. Experimental design is not my forte, but once I am given the framework in which the data must be collected I am in my element. I am in no way, shape, or form, a “data scientist”, so I do not want to use that term. I just got back from a conference, which is what made me realize I needed more professional language to describe this particular interest/skill. I’ve had a lot of professional success being a data nerd on the past, since it has helped me get grant funding and then facilitate the creation of certain deliverables to meet the stipulations of the grant.

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      Is analyst anywhere near appropriate? Your field is so far from mine that I’m literally guessing based on what works for my field.

    2. SomeoneLikeAnon*

      I would agree with the other poster, data analyst is probably what you are looking for. Data analysts collect, process and perform statistical analyses of data. Their skills may not be as advanced as data scientists (e.g. they may not be able to create new algorithms), but their goals are the same – to discover how data can be used to answer questions and solve problems.

    3. Christy*

      This sounds like you love taxonomy! I would look towards library science for terms to use–it seems very related to that field (in which I have a graduate degree).

      1. fposte*

        Yes, it sounds a little like information management to me, but I don’t have the term in my bones enough to know if it would fit with the common use.

        1. Jerry Vandesic*

          I’ve seen these kinds of roles called data stewards. I always likened them to the curation of a librarian, but with data sets rather than books.

          If the role is focused on the collection and management of the data then data steward might be right. If it’s about the analysis of the data after it has been collected, then data analyst (or data scientist, if advanced techniques are used) might be better.

      2. Fishasaurus*

        Ha! Actually I HATE taxonomy. I am in biological sciences though, although I do a lot of chemistry as well. I work with a lot of spatial and temporal data, as well as presence/absence, but I’ve also done things like tracking student learning outcomes and some work on demographics.

    4. AndersonDarling*

      It makes me cringe a little, but the term Data Jedi has become popular, and I’ve also heard Data Guru, but neither are professional sounding. I’d just go by Data Analyst because that encompass a wide range of skills. I’ve known data analysts that do nothing more than download pre-scripted reports and dump the results into spreadsheets.

          1. Purple snowdrop*

            Massaging data, IME, is where you make it say what you want it to say, not what it actually says. *shudder*

    5. Fishasaurus*

      Yeah, I guess analyst is sort of appropriate. I once worked as a fisheries data analyst in a minor capacity. I feel a little weird describing being a data analyst as a professional strength/interest though. I was at the conference to suss out future job opportunities and I ended up randomly talking with someone from the private sector and was trying to convey the data stuff. I actually clicked quite well with that person and their company sounded unexpectedly interesting (I normally work in public sector or academia).

      1. Jiggs*

        You can make it a verb to avoid any weird title issues. Like “I love analyzing data, here is a recent example of a project I really liked!” and do it similarly on your resume as “analyzed (X amount) data in Y project to support research and recommendations”.

    6. LadyMountaineer*

      Data Analyst is most appropriate. If you have a ton of SQL skills and can design schemas (and can rattle off what types of tables work best for transactional data and analysis and why) then Data Architect is a good title.

      Data Scientist should be reserved for someone who writes and implements machine learning algorithms on a large scale. Data Engineers are the folks that design data pipelines and format data appropriately to be ran through those algorithms.

      I live for data (and coding) and I hope this helps.

      1. Fishasaurus*

        I do zero SQL stuff. I am on the bottom of the data analyst food web and more like the zooplankton of Excel & Access in the hierarchy. I agree that all the silly, non-professional titles need to go away, the above is merely for illustrative purposes.

        1. LadyMountaineer*

          Hahaha I actually wasn’t thinking about them (other than the misuse of Data Scientist) but yeah–“evangelical/evangelist” makes my skin crawl (among other silly tech titles.)

    8. LBK*

      Speaking as a data analyst-turned-business intelligence analyst, I’d agree with others who say this sounds like a data analyst.

    10. Not a data analyst*

      I’m a “Data Coordinator” and I think it encompasses all these things. “Analyst” and “scientist” feel a bit lofty for my current career level.

    11. Brett*

      Data engineer is the phrase I have seen. It implies a pretty strong knowledge of programming, but more directly sector specific knowledge on data handling including ETL, metadata, and basic analytic tasks.
      Data engineers are the people who wrangle data for data scientists.

    12. Marine Biologist*

      My department has both a Data Analyst and a Data Technician. The technician does more entry-level stuff while the analyst position is fairly senior.

  6. Kelly*

    My thesis is due next week, and that’s the last component of my Master’s degree. People keep saying ‘you’re on the home stretch now’, but what they don’t take into account is that this final part is practically Everest, and there’s still SO much to do! I’d rather I had another month or so before this ‘home stretch’!

    On top of being incredibly stressed, I also have this overwhelming feeling of…sadness, I guess, or maybe a strange form of nostalgia. I moved to the other side of the world to do this degree, so it’s been a somewhat surreal way of living, a complete departure of what it was before (I’d been working full-time for over five years before this, so that was my ‘norm’). I’m not going to pretend it was all fun and games (far from it!) and some parts (many parts) have been really hard…yet I’m not quite ready to let it go.

    When I started this degree last September, a year seemed like such a long time. I mean, in the back of mind I knew time would go by quickly, but I’ve been so busy that I hadn’t taken notice of just /how/ quickly it has! It was always just getting through the next assessment, and the next, and the next…and now it’s like all of a sudden I’m /here/.

    I don’t know how to describe how I feel really. It’s not that I want to continue doing this – I certainly don’t want to do full-time study for another year! It’s more like…I wish I could go back and do it all over again. It might sound weird but even though I knew for a /fact/ that there were times I was absolutely miserable and stressed (and will be next week!), there’s that funny ‘filter’ thing that the memory does that seem to hold on to the good things so much tighter.

    I’m also doing an internship that finishes shortly after my thesis is due, and TBH I didn’t exactly enjoy the experience here. I don’t think it’s the company itself in particular but more the type of work. I’ve learnt a lot here but I don’t think this is what I want to do in the long term. There are other types of jobs that require the same degree and skill set but I can’t help but feel like the three months I’ve spent here has been in the ‘wrong’ place, if that makes sense. Much like the 5 years of work experience I had before, which also used similar skills but in the ‘wrong’ field. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever find something that feels ‘right’.

    And on top of all that…I have to make the decision of whether I’ll stay in this city or return to my home country. Of course a big part of that depends on whether I can find a job here (there are Visa requirements), but…how much am I willing to compromise to stay? At this point it’s not really about the money, it’s about finding the right type of work, so that’s the point of compromise.

    It’s all wreaking havoc on my moods, and I randomly have the urge to cry at inconvenient moments. I just hope that once I get the thesis part completed that’ll lift /some/ of the stress and offer me clarity on top of the nostalgia (can I even call it that? It’s only a year and it’s not even over!) and whatever else it is that’s making me into such an emotional mess.

    1. Lab Nerd*

      I just finished my masters and graduated the first week of August. I felt rather sad and weird from right after my defense until recently. A few other people have told me this is pretty normal but not widely talked about. I’ve been weaning myself out of student mode by helping a friend edit her thesis, then a new random project fell into my lap, plus my regular job is now re-entering a busy season. I find having other things to focus on is distracting from the weird feelings plus makes me feel more happy about finally being done. You are not alone!

      1. Kelly*

        It’s interesting you mention your ‘regular job’. This is actually my second Masters and I did the last one because my job at the time offered to pay for it, so I was studying part-time while working full-time, and when I finished it, I felt…nothing really. It was more like a side project I did as a hobby (not that it didn’t get stressful at times).

        This time round though…it was full time and a much more demanding degree, plus the fact it was so far from home, so the people I was around at uni was a much bigger part of my world. It just feels so much more jarring.

    2. Emmie*

      Big hugs. It’s normal to feel nostalgic, and want a do-over when a degree is done. It’s an ending, and a new beginning. I had the same feelings when I finished my last degree. That last month is overwhelming – not only from workload, but decision making. I have no advice that will magically make you feel excited right away. If you find the sadness is a lot, I recommend working with a counselor. That actually helps some people tremendously.

      1. Kelly*

        Probably not at a point I’ll need a counsellor. Hopefully once the deadlines are met I’ll have the chance to catch up with some people. That’s the other thing about the heavy workload, I feel rather isolated and yet have no time to organise anything.

        1. Emmie*

          I am sorry, Kelly. That’s the worst feeling ever. When I was completing my terminal degree, I felt SUPER overwhelmed when I was in the thick of finals studying. That part of it got better. I’m sending virtual hugs your way.

    3. SomeoneLikeAnon*

      It sounds like you’re overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and all the changes that will soon impact your life. First I would recommend reminding yourself it is okay to feel a little frazzled with all the things going on at once. Second, I would try to find a way to chunk things together and get a plan of action together for each thing you need to tackle. Timelines, pro/cons, even just a checklist can be incredibly helpful at de-stressing because it shows the steps needed and the things already completed.

      Right now everything looks like a “BIG DEAL” because you’re having trouble separating the several forests from the trees. Forests being the big topics and the trees being the individual actions to complete. Just take it one step at a time.

      For a lot of folks, their job or situation doesn’t feel “right” and three months isn’t the longest time to be able to judge soundly if it’s the job or the environment or something else (like all the additional external stressors) that is making you feel that way. When I was going to school and in training, I told my friends that I bet I was going to hate my career and here I am 14 years later still doing it. Yeah some things are the best, but I find the things I do like and time has allowed me to have more experience to stay in the field but look for the right office or company or tasks. Try to find tasks you do enjoy at your job and take pleasure in them until your extra stresses are more manageable. Since staying where you are appears to be one concern right now, after you get other things in order, your work situation might just solve itself.

      It’s hard to get an accurate picture of your world when there’s a lot of stressors putting pressure on the situation. When you complete your thesis, things might look smaller rather than the big issues they appear to be now.

      1. Kelly*

        Yes, definitely feeling overwhelmed by things all happening at once. I know some day down the track I’ll look back on how I feel right now and laugh about it, but right now it’s hard to get beyond the anxiety.

        Making plans would be a big help (especially if spreadsheets are involved…I find them very soothing, I don’t know what that says about me), and I’ll be doing that once the thesis is over (after I a 24-hour nap), so I have a plan to make plans…heh. I’m grateful this forum is here for me to just…talk.

    4. medium of ballpoint*

      I understand feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. For the immediate work in front of you, perhaps a Pomodoro timer would help? When I was working on my dissertation, I had bad days when I’d set it up to work for five minutes and then take a break for five or ten minutes, but it helped to know that I was still making forward progress rather than giving up and getting nothing done for the entire hour. My page count added up a little slowly, but it added up until I had the momentum to work for longer periods.

      And usually by the time you reach this point in a program, your faculty wouldn’t let you continue if they didn’t have every confidence you would be successful. They’re invested in your success both for you and for them, and maybe that can be a little bit of support or encouragement for you.

      As for work, it might help to look at the value you gain even from experiences of poor fit. Each experience helps you figure out what you’re not looking for and what doesn’t work for you, and hopefully that helps you narrow down precisely the kind of work you want to be doing. Best of luck, and I’ll send good vibes in your direction!

      1. Kelly*

        Thanks for the good vibes. For me the trouble is always getting started – like I’d sit down to write a section and then get so anxious about it not being any good that I’d go do something else (non productive) instead…and obviously it’s not going to be good if I don’t do it at all!

        Yeah, even when I started I was pretty sure this line of work wasn’t really my thing, but figured three months isn’t that long so that wasn’t that big a deal. They’ve kept interns on in some past years but I wouldn’t expect that to happen to me since it’s a small company and probably won’t want to deal with Visa issues. And TBH I’m kind of hoping they won’t offer, because I just know I’ll accept it because of all my insecurities and wanting to be ‘settled’, and I already know this isn’t where I want to be.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      While I have not been in a similar setting with finishing up a master’s, I have had some stuff that really brought the emotions to the foreground.

      I don’t know if you listened to Seals and Crofts, “We may never pass this way again”. You can google the lyrics.

      But you are right, not too much in life will be the same as your experience here with schooling. And this happens in life where we are painfully aware that some unique thing is happening/ending never to be seen again. I think we are supposed to have this heightened awareness, to help us gear up for the next chapter of our lives. Of course, other things will come along that will also be meaningful to you.

      Feel the feelings.
      Treasure the now.
      Arrange to keep in contact with the folks most meaningful to you.

      And it might help you to think about your days of leaving the old place and coming to this place. Think about how you felt about that transition. Maybe do a little compare and contrast between your last transition and your upcoming shift in life.

      1. Kelly*

        Thinking back on that…leaving my last job (and old life) to do this degree was something that had been two or three years in the making, and once my decision was made it was actually quite easy to let go, because that was my choice. This time round I think things just happened too quickly…okay I know that sounds ridiculous since I’d always known upfront when the end date for the course is, but…I feel like I’ve only /just/ gotten accustomed to this city and this way of life, and it just feels like a cliff-edge at certain times.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. You had some say in moving here but it is finite and someone else (or the system) decides when it ends for you. You have no say on ending.

    6. Aero Engineer*

      I just graduated with my masters two weeks ago, and the urge to cry at random (mostly inconvenient) times was how my last month or two was. A lot it seems was stress, and being crushed under all the things which need to be completed. Focus on pushing through a finishing your thesis, things hopefully will look much better after that is done (it did for me at least). I found that I was so used to the stress and everything the thesis was putting me under that I had gotten accustomed to the stress and didn’t notice I was reaching somewhat of a breaking point.

      Take a breath, start tackling that seemingly large mountain step by step.

      Also, I have found that internships have mostly made me see the places I don’t really want to work (or at least the fields), though it doesn’t mean that they are any less valuable at all. It is important to know what you don’t want to do as well as what you would like to do as it will help shape your viewpoint.

      1. Kelly*

        Thank you, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who gets weepy over something like this. Most people I talk to seem to be more of the ‘can’t wait ’til it’s over!’ line of thinking, and TBH I was a bit like that back in June and trying to find the motivation to write my thesis. But now that the finish line is in sight I’m suddenly a mess.

        I suspect it’s more the thought of what’s going to come after – namely, having to go through the whole job-searching process again – that’s stressing me out, the thesis is really just a compounding factor. Guess I’ll know this time next week.

      2. Julia*

        Heck, when I first enrolled in a master’s programme some years ago, I ended up sobbing uncontrollably several times a day at the end of the first semester, to the point that I was scared of being alone because I kind of wanted to die to escape that pain. Unfortunately, I was also halfway across the world from my family and most of my friends were busy or I didn’t feel like I could bother them with my feelings, so I ended up relying mostly on my new (and first) boyfriend at the time, which made a lot of things even worse, and I ended up quitting and moved back home. (We are now happily married and circumstances took us back to the location the university was in and I re-enrolled to finish my remaining three semesters, but I would never have done that if these circumstances didn’t exist and I would have had to move back out alone.)

        Studying can be really isolating even for those who enjoy solitude, and it can bring up a lot of fears and anxieties that well-adjusted people never anticipate, so please be gentle to yourself. You’re almost there! And even if you end up randomly crying for a week until you finish, you can totally do it.

  7. lionelrichiesclayhead*

    I’m having issues with “Carla” who was my manager but has moved to a new internal position as the business owner on the project I am managing. Since Carla moved to her new position she is being weird. I’ve given her some time because maybe its new job jitters but things only seem to be getting worse. Examples: Asking “what is wrong with you” repeatedly even when I state nothing is wrong. Asking to review my meeting notes so she can correct them, which is generally very weird and not normal in my position. Asking why I’m having meetings and, if she deems that the meetings are appropriate, why she isn’t involved in them even if the meetings do not pertain to her (that’s hard though because as business owner I guess she can attend whatever she wants). She’s generally like this to everyone but it’s been worse in the past few weeks and seems overly directed at me. Yesterday Carla told me I was being mean to her. She also makes a big deal when I don’t “react” to her witty comments, usually because I’m in the middle of managing the meeting and can’t pay attention to her 100% in a room of 15 other people. She’s also IMing me even when I’m listed as “in a meeting” and continues to do so if I don’t answer, and then starts sending me emails when that doesn’t work (nothing we do is very time sensitive btw). I don’t personally feel that I am acting any differently and a few trusted colleagues have said that they haven’t noticed a change in my behavior other than just being busier. Basically Carla has turned into a micro managing, overly critical (of my work and apparently my personality) tornado of terror and I don’t know how to deal with it. The answer is probably to ask her directly but she’s not the type of person who takes that well either. I honestly feel like she thinks I’m not paying enough attention to her and it’s incredibly frustrating because the project is getting extremely busy as we get closer to deployment. Anyone have any advice on dealing with a needy business partner? Just writing this out I can see how I could respond to some of the individual items but just not sure how to handle the problem overall. My SR manager knows about the issue with Carla and has experienced this with her as well so I do have her support and help if needed; however, I feel like it would make things even worse if my Sr. Manager had a talk with Carla about all of this.

    1. JulieBulie*

      All I can offer is sympathy, because my instinctive reaction would be unprofessional. (Like responding to “what is wrong with you” with “perhaps something is the matter with YOU.” Or, “Why don’t you tell me what my problem is, since you seem to have an opinion?” Don’t say these things.)

      If she treats other people this way too, I’m surprised no one else has reacted yet.

      1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

        She’s very knowledgeable so I think she gets away with personality issues because she’s very helpful. I mean she’s very helpful to me! But it’s turned into her getting overly involved in everything I do even when I haven’t asked for help. I do think that some of these could be met with comments like the ones you suggested but worded in a different way more appropriate for work. Like asking what it is that I’m doing that is giving her the impression that something is wrong, in a genuinely curious way.

        1. fposte*

          I’m surprised Senior Manager isn’t more concerned about the middle-school behavior stuff. It sounds like Carla is flailing in the new position and is clinging to you, in her own dysfunctional way, like you’re a life preserver.

          If you don’t want to address it directly, the goal is to disengage and not spend your time on this foolishness. Never follow her down the middle-school rabbit hole. The answer to “What’s wrong with you?” is “I’m feeling great today! Hope you are too!” In both cases you turn immediately back to work–this is not the opening of a conversation about her feelings. Block or ignore her IMs, and answer her emails in a structured fashion; feel free to tell her that you’re limiting project emails to after 4, or whatever. A calm “It’s fine with my boss” is also a useful go-to refrain to remind her that she’s not the one judging your performance these days.

    2. esra*

      This is tough. Personally I’ve dealt with difficult coworkers in the past by calling out instances, because as you’ve said, they frequently don’t take a larger conversation well.

      So things like, “Nothing’s wrong, thanks!” and then for repetition, “It’s a bit odd you keep asking.” or “I’m fine and would appreciate you dropping it, thanks!” And “No, thank you.” to requests like reviewing your meeting notes.

      Basically my solution is bland-but-polite dismissals. You think I’m being mean? I’m sorry you feel that way. You imed me 80 times and sent ten emails about the same minor thing while I was in a meeting? I was in a meeting, what do you need? I didn’t react to your stunning bot mot in the middle of a group chat? Oh, we’re trying to keep things focused on the project, thanks. All accompanied by a WorkSmile™.

      1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

        Dying at WorkSmile™. And thank you for the helpful advice! Those are great actions I can start to use immediately.

        1. esra*

          The WorkSmile™ has saved me many times, I have no poker face.

          Basically the key is to not get on the defensive. People like this thrive by throwing others off their balance. If you need to slow things down + take a moment to respond, that’s okay and better than scrambling + sinking to her level.

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        I read a book in which the protagonist described her PIG smile for situations like this, but it’s now killing me that I can’t quite remember what it stands for. It is “polite, interested, . . .”

    3. Well OK Then*

      “My SR manager knows about the issue with Carla and has experienced this with her as well so I do have her support and help if needed; however, I feel like it would make things even worse”
      Well, that’s awful. Because, no, you really don’t have her support, you have an ear and a shoulder. SR Manager knows Carla is mismanaging you, but her help will make the situation worse. So while you have a sympathetic ear, you have no tangible relief.
      I wish I could offer you some.

      1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

        I think that’s fair. When I last talked to my Sr. Manager it was in a “i’m having this problem and I need you to know but I’m hoping I can handle it myself” type of way. I have a 1 on 1 with her today and I’ll definitely be letting her know that the situation is getting worse. She’s very aware of Carla’s issues and has even had to deal with them herself so I think she will be able to offer some help once she knows I need her to step in. Hopefully she has some specific action items so we can address it and put some boundries up with Carla.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Tag team her. I have used this technique when I feel I cannot let the boss step in for me. Basically what you do is synchronize your message. The you and the boss [or other cohort] decide how you will respond to a given question or scenario and you both give her the SAME response but you each give that same response independently.

        Doing an example here:
        She messages you during a meeting. You ignore it.
        She messages your boss during a meeting. Boss ignores it.
        She complains to you that you did not answer. You say, “I was in a meeting. I can’t answer messages in a meeting.” Period.
        She complains to the boss that you or the boss did not answer her. “I [or OP] was in a meeting. We can’t answer messages in a meeting.”

        Deliver the exact same statement each time Say it in a flat, matter of fact voice. Refuse to expand on the statement. This forms a figurative brick wall around the topic. She eventually learns that when you are in a meeting you cannot answer her.

        You say you are doing a project for her company. Unless I am misunderstanding this makes her your customer or client. I am guessing but you probably have rules/boundaries for your customers. Those rules and boundaries should apply to her also.

        If she is doing this to everyone, I think that it’s totally appropriate that the boss step in and tell her where the limits are FOR EVERYONE. For the amount of attention she is demanding I hope you are billing by the hour. (lol) Perhaps if you are billing by the hour you can remind her of this. If it’s a contractual agreement, perhaps you can up the price at renewal time because she is so labor-intensive.

        1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

          You have some great advice here. To clarify, we still work for the same company but i’m working on a project that will deliver a solution to her group so that is why she could definitely be categorized as my client or my customer in many ways. This definitely does bring up some boundary issues because clearly I want to have a good working relationship with her and will do anything, within reason, to deliver her a great product and give good customer service. But that being said yes, clients can often have unreasonable expectations from their business partners and I think we have that issue here, muddied by the fact that she managed me up until 3 weeks ago.

    4. Dr. Johnny Fever*

      I wish I had better advice. I think I’ve worked with Carla based on your description or someone like her. The best I could do was compartmentalize my personal feelings about the micromanagement to stay sane and find a mentor to help me navigate. I began to ask my Carla if there was something I was missing when she snapped at me.

      You say that your team is supportive and haven’t noticed a behavior change – this is good. My Carla developed a reputation that managed her out within a year; I hope for something similar to relieve you from the pressure.

      1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

        Thanks so much! The good news is that she isn’t my manager anymore so while she may be involved in my projects, at least I don’t report to her directly! I’m definitely going to start to push back on Carla when she makes comments. I’m so bad about doing that in the moment so I’ve failed at that so far but I’m going to focus on turning the question back around to her instead of getting defensive or trying to find the “right” answer.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I was really bad at pushing back also. I used my commute time to autopsy what was said and how I could better respond to it. You won’t need to plan your responses forever, you just need to train your brain to remember what you planned to say when she says X or Y. It gets easier after you have planned a few responses to recurring questions or scenarios.

  8. EA*

    OMG GUYS!!!

    I got a new job :)

    As I said in previous threads, it seemed likely I would be laid off. My boss is getting a promotion and an admin already is in that role. I was told by him I would support the next person (but got very defensive when I asked about my job security). My other boss said that they would have to wait and see what happens to me, and HR said my role would likely be eliminated.

    I started interviewing and got the first job I interviewed for. Plus, it isn’t an executive assistant position (which was my goal), so I finally feel like I am on the right track.

    Thanks everyone for the help and dealing with me over the years :)

    2. JanetM*

      Congratulations! If you don’t already, you might want to check out Joan Burge and Office Dynamics; she’s very focused on the EA level (although much of her material is good for all levels of admin professionals).

    4. Well OK Then*

      “Plus, it isn’t an executive assistant position (which was my goal), so I finally feel like I am on the right track.”
      I’m sorry, it is or it isn’t. I want to be properly psyched if you did get the job you want. That’s a great feeling. Good luck!

            1. EA*

              Yes. That is what I meant.

              The new job is not an administrative position. I can be dis proportionally difficult to move into another line of work after being an admin.

              2. KMB213*

                Do you feel comfortable sharing what line of work you’re moving into? I feel very stuck as an admin and am having a lot of difficult breaking into another line of work.

                1. EA*

                  I am moving into Research Administration at a university. My job will be doing applications and budgets for NIH grants. You basically wrangle the PI’s to submit everything, and help keep track of the money. It is more project management/finance than an admin position usually is.

                  I had done some of this as an EA. I helped submit my bosses CV to grants (he did some research), and I had contact with his research administrator, and did some budget tracking in an office manager kind of way. I just talked about what I have done, and my interests in the interview. I also had his research administrator help me and sort of tell me how to phrase things and what to concentrate on. It helps that orgs generally struggle to fill these types of roles. They require an introverted attention to detail, as well as, the ability to deal with difficult personalities. I felt that wouldn’t be a problem for me. Being an EA was way too extroverted for me, and I am already doing the difficult personalities stuff.

                  I think if you want to break free of being an admin, you have to think of what extra work you can be doing, or find a role that will give you extra work. It is hard to screen for this. In my situation the amount of projects and growth opportunities was GREATLY exaggerated in my interview. One you get extra work, when you interview you talk about how you expanded your role to XYZ and loved it and want to move into that. It also helps if you pick something to move into that isn’t over saturated or needs a high level of credentials.

                2. KMB213*

                  Thanks for the advice! I am actually the only non-attorney working at my small law firm, so I have definitely had the opportunity to get in to a lot of different kinds of work. I’ve recently worked on my resume with a friend who works in HR and two friends who are heavily involved in hiring for the types of roles I’m applying for, so hopefully the revamped resume will help me out!

                3. TheOriginalMags*

                  I went from an admin to project coordinator to project manager! A lot of the skill set was very transferable as far as connecting multiple departments, responsible for obtaining information and deliverables from people whom you don’t manage, budgeting, reporting and scheduling. Good luck!

  9. Nervous Accountant*

    Thanks everyone for the moral support last week. As with any crappy thing that happens, I reflected, swallowed it, but this time I made the decision to not be such a doormat anymore.

    Big Q on my mind this week–how do I spot the red flags fro a bad boss?

    Two major examples:

    1. A few years back, before this place, I was working at a very small CPA firm (owner, 2 employees, and various PT staff iuncluding me). I posted about it here back then, so I won’t repost all the details but here are the links.

    https://www.askamanager.org/2014/08/open-thread-august-8-2014.html
    https://www.askamanager.org/2014/08/open-thread-august-22-2014.html

    In a nutshell my boss at that place was a psycho. Would call us idiots, retarded, dumb. Took his anger out on us, smashed property for the hell of it, went ballistic over a staple, constantly insulted my bkgd, and wouldn’t pay.

    I didn’t spot any red flags at the interview or during the process.

    2. This job. My current boss (not my manager, who I’m closer to, but our boss who we both report to)–very soft spoken and “nice”. But she would get very nasty over emails (which I posted here in Aug LY). Over the last few weeks I’ve heard about lots of awful things she’s said to ppl, including to my mgr (who’s looking primarily bc of her). When I first got hired, she said my previous manager gave me such a bad reference that she can’t justify hiring me FT but she’s taking a huge chance on me (prev mngr insisted he did not give such a reference).

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but this pretty much set the tone that I’ll forever be at the bottom bc I m “ever so grateful” to even have a job. I hate myself for crying and accepting the write up over something that wasn’t entirely my fault, I regret grovelling so much in emails etc. I hate that my male coworkers could be straightforward and blunt w clients, but I was endlessly coached to be soft and sugary and fluffy bc I wasn’t “warm or friendly enough”. I hate that I’ll be doing well but 1 client review and BAM, it’s like I’ve always been a bad employee. and I hate that I set the standard that I can be crapped on by coworkers and managers etc.

    I think I’m in a better position now than I was with this job 3 years ago bc I HAVE the knowledge, experience, and desire to do better. good salary and good benefits are super imp to me, and aside from the crappy structure and few odd ppl here and there, I genuinely like most of my coworkers here.

    Most of all, I don’t want to find myself with either of these two bad bosses. I never saw red flags w the first and it took me 3 yrs to realize that my current boss isn’t so great.

    For the longest time, boss 1 was the standard so to speak, so it was like “well she sent me a really nasty email, but she doesn’t do what my last boss does, so she’s a good boss!”

    So how do I begin to even spot red flags? Despite the bad stuff I’ve written about here I’m patient and can see myself at least until one more tax season if nothing works out at the right time but I want to make sure the next place I go to is a good fit.

    1. NaoNao*

      I’ve had a few very unpleasant bosses, who seemed “okay” at first and looking back very carefully, here’s what the flags were:

      A feeling of “disturbed energy” around them. They were in high-energy, high-emotional moods a *lot*. So being around them, one felt this odd tension even if they weren’t saying or doing anything directly. It felt like “goosebumps”. They were slightly scattered, they talked fast, they had an intensity to them. They jumped from topic to topic. They were high-key excited about you, and made an offer or a next stage interview request right then and there. They seemed impulsive.

      I really, really needed a job. This is key. I was willing to overlook red flags or minimize them because I *really* needed work.

      They did small things that made me feel they didn’t really care about details. For example, not asking me questions, not remembering my key details, etc.

      They asked odd or personal questions. I had a nightmare boss for an internal job promotion ask me “Where’s [then-current supervisor, who she was friendly with]? I thought she was coming too!” Why my current boss would come with me to an internal interview was unclear, but this is a sign that someone’s thoughts are…on a different path, shall we say. (At the time I chalked it up to cultural differences, as I was overseas and they were a local.)

      They act like industry standards, including the law, are a pain, not important, or don’t apply to them. A website created for a single man (by him) that’s making the rounds on the internet has a bunch of annoying and problematic stuff in it, but to me, one of the major clues this guy is a jerk is how he complains about the FDA (he’s selling “nutritional supplements”) and how if ONLY they would get off his back he could REALLY make money!! Even if the person is delightful, friendly, and funny, acting like they’re above the law *in any way* is a flag.

      They have a small business that answers to no one. A boutique, a private residence (I was a nanny for a boss who was not terrible, but hired someone to replace me and just stopped scheduling me, among many other annoyances), a very small business of 1-2 employees. Power corrupts. Absolute power makes you think you can look at the eclipse without glasses ;)

      1. YuliaC*

        Oh this is so true for all of my former nightmare bosses! All of your points stand correct, the unusual energy, the weird questions, the surprising lack of attention to some details, the disregard for standards, everything. And the general vibe of a Roman Emperor about them… But I am only good at seeing all that in hindsight. At the time of interviews, my senses were numbed by a need for a job.

    2. KellyK*

      I think it’s really hard, because a lot of jerks know when to turn it on and off. They’re not going to be nasty to an interviewee, because they want you to work there. (If they are rude when you interview, run, because that’s their *best* behavior and it only gets worse once you work for them.) You might still catch some red flags (or at least yellow ones), like being really cavalier about your time (e.g., cancelling at the last minute, or scheduling a ton of interviews with no flexibility on time), but it’s hard to tell if that’s dysfunction or just that they have plenty of people to interview.

      I think the best way is probably to see if you can talk to people who work in the department—whether that’s officially through an interview or through finding out that you’re vaguely connected to them on LinkedIn and shooting them a friendly message.

    3. Former Retail Manager*

      As for red flags during the interview, it’s hard to say because most people are going to be on their best behavior at that time. I’d do all the online research you can (Linked In, Glassdoor, heck Facebook, if you can do it anonymously so you don’t pop up in their “people you may know” listing). I’d also see if you can get a read on the demeanor of the other employees if you have to walk through the bullpen on the way to the interview area. This may not be possible, but I’ve found that if no one is chatting at all and everyone looks like they’re miserable, it’s probably not the greatest place to work.

      And honestly, my best advice to you is, GO BIG! As in the size of the employer. Large employers certainly have their cons, but I believe the pros far outweigh the cons. Everything from pay, to benefits, to the ability to move between departments so you don’t end up with a hateful tyrant, to a decent HR department that will actually deal with hateful tyrants (most of the time anyway). I should say that by large, I don’t mean Big 4 public accounting. If I were you, I’d look to move into corporate accounting for as large a company as you can. Based on your previous posts, I believe you have at least 4 years of public accounting experience, which is desired by many corporate accounting departments and will certainly help you. Best of luck in your search! Time to put this boss behind you

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I second that! The larger the company the more, well, professional things tend to be.
        It’s s these small mom&pop shops and single owner-manager or startups that tend to have the whack-a-doodles in charge.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      I keep an eye out for small business owners who are jazzed about identifying as entrepreneurs/visionaries. They don’t know the ins and outs of running a functioning business. They keep it going as extensions of their egos.

    5. Jessi*

      well I think now that you are more willing to stand up for yourself this will set you in better standing to never have the problems that being a pushover comes with.
      You could ask in interviews what the office environment is ( I would be looking for professional but friendly)? You could ask potential co-workers how long they have been there and how they are enjoying it, maybe followed up by what is their favourite part of the office/ whats the best thing about working here? You could look on glass door?

      I know you haven’t asked for this but I would get a friend to pose as a new boss and do a ‘reference call’ to old manager and see if your current managers claim is true. No point handing out his contact info if he is saying terrible things about you!

  10. Sam Vega*

    Yesterday’s question about how many hours exempt staff work was timely since my position is about to be reclassified as exempt. It doesn’t really meet the requirements for that, but unfortunately, this is one of those things that many employers willfully violate without consequence.

    My supervisor works an absurd number of hours. (Frankly, so do most of the people who responded to yesterday’s question.) She has said that she doesn’t expect me to work as much as she does, but won’t be specific as to what her expectations are. I’ve never been exempt before and find it absolutely astounding that anyone would willingly accept such a thing. All of the mental contortion I’ve seen people go through to convince themselves they’re ok with it simply doesn’t make sense. I already have all of the benefits that are often mentioned (things like flexibility in scheduling and the trust that I’ll do my job without being watched like a wayward schoolkid) and believe that people should be compensated fairly for their time.

    I’m not getting a pay increase and even if I were, there’s simply no (realistic) amount of money that I would accept for the massive decrease in my quality of life.

    All of that is bad enough, but it has become apparent to me that the two main reasons my supervisor works so much is that her work processes are grossly inefficient and there’s an unnecessary amount of bureaucratic process in getting anything done that involves people who don’t actually know much about the areas they’re overseeing. (You’ll just have to trust that I know what I’m talking about here and that it’s not a case of me not having enough information. These people really have no clue.)

    I’ve started planning for my exit, but that could be several months off and if my plans fall through, it could be indefinite. In the meantime, I’d appreciate any suggestions for setting reasonable boundaries on my working hours. I’m simply unwilling to work many additional hours for the same pay because other people don’t know what they’re doing, but recognize that I need to preserve the employment relationship as best as possible.

    1. AdAgencyChick*

      As to why someone would accept being exempt — I have been exempt for most of my career, and I recognize that although that sometimes means working weekends and nearly around the clock (oh hai advertising!), it also means that my employer won’t furlough me without pay when we’re slow.

      Anyway, in your shoes I’d decide how many hours I wanted to put in — and if you’re not getting any kind of raise to compensate for losing overtime, I’d say that number is 40 — and if your boss starts to assign you more work than you can get done in that amount of time, start saying, “If I do X, I need to put Y on the back burner.” Basically, force her to prioritize so that going exempt isn’t a penalty.

      1. Tabby Baltimore*

        Someone needs to remind me of what Alison’s response is when the boss responds to the question “What’s your priority order for these tasks?” with “Everything.” B/c I think it would be very helpful to you to have that memorized before you ask the question.

        1. esra*

          I’m not sure of Alison’s specific response, but mine in the past has been: “If everything is a priority, then nothing is.”

          I am very blunt.

    2. RabbitRabbit*

      Regarding the benefits that you have – you’re looking for a job, would you still have them at a new job that was non-exempt? Where I work, non-exempt workers definitely do not have the flexibility that the exempt do in terms of being allowed to come early or late, for instance.

    3. WG*

      I think the most important thing is to set boundaries and expectations early. It sounds like your job isn’t changing, just your classification from non-exempt to exempt. So theoretically you would put in the same number of hours each week that you’re doing now. If you’re working 40 hours and your supervisor has been satisfied with your work quality and output, that shouldn’t need to change.

      The first time I changed from non-exempt to exempt, due to a promotion, I felt the need to work long hours to learn the new job and prove myself (the supervisor took a chance on me as I wasn’t quite qualified for the job) . It spiraled into the expectation that I would continually work an asinine number of hours while more and more work was heaped on me.

      1. Ashley*

        This definitely happens. Evening commitments can also be helpful where you can stay a little late but you have to be somewhere by 6 say. Also wherever possible see if you can make the process more efficient.

    4. KellyK*

      If she can’t give you clear expectations on hours, she really needs to give you clear expectations on workflow. Does she need you to design 50 teapots a day? Handle all orders within 3 business days? Have all chocolate reimbursement forms processed by the end of each day? There’s got to be *something.* If your supervisor isn’t a really good supervisor, then she might not know what that something is, but there’s some amount of things accomplished that can reasonably define “a good day’s work” for your position.

      Since employers make people exempt in part so they don’t *have* a maximum number of hours and can deal with crunches without paying overtime, she might not want to commit to a limit. But maybe you can work with her to define it functionally. Because you’re used to being hourly, you worked eight hours and that was it, or you had specific things that were urgent enough to justify overtime. Now that you’re exempt, if you don’t have a good idea of what “done” (or at least, “done enough for today”) means, you’ll never leave.

      I think you can also come up with a max that you think is reasonable and present that to her. Again, it has to take into account that “all hands on deck” emergencies come up and that you might need to be flexible. But I think it’d be reasonable to say, “I think my limit is probably around X hours a week. Obviously, I’m not going to leave in the middle of [example of emergency or major crunch], but on a typical week, I’d really like my hours to stay under X. Does that seem workable to you?”

    5. Elizabeth H.*

      Why does it need to change at all? Sorry if I am misunderstanding what the norms are in jobs besides mine, or at your workplace, but I don’t see why becoming exempt would mean that you immediately begin having to work more hours. Is it like all the exempt people at your workplace are working many many more hours than the standard, and you have the impression that your boss wishes you could stay and do more work in more hours than you are already doing, and you only haven’t been because you were not exempt? Do you ever work overtime and get paid overtime? If your pay is not changing, I would not expect the number of hours you work to change more than a little. As others have mentioned, there are a number of non-financial benefits to being exempt that can be factored into your overall sense of fair compensation for the work you are doing, but I don’t really see how it would result in a dramatically different number of hours worked in the week.

    6. rj*

      In my field, often people work a lot of hours but stop doing anything useful after a while (ie they are inefficient/procrastinate). Or, they grossly overestimate how much they actually are working because they do low-level work throughout the day as well as other tasks. Find a way to streamline your job, and remind yourself (and supervisor) what you can actually do in 40 hours. Firm but kind + worksmile.

  11. Anon for this*

    What do you do when you worry you just plain aren’t smart enough to do something at work? Any tips for coping and powering through anyways?

    2. Christy*

      I remember that I can reach out to the smart folks if I need–that 10 minutes of their time might save me several hours, and it’ll be worth it to my employer to do that. Plus I remember that everyone struggles and I look at the ten thousand cartoons about developers who struggle for eons only to find the solution and how the emotional lows are really low and the highs are really high.

      Also, I remember that it’s not being “smart”, it’s having the skill to analyze or process something specific. Not knowing C#, for instance, doesn’t mean I’m not smart, it just means it’s outside of my skill set so of course it’ll take me a long time to figure out my problems. (I literally just dealt with this yesterday.)

      1. Christy*

        Oh, and interestingly, I have one coworker who is just legitimately very intelligent. And he’s quicker than I am, and he’s probably always going to be. And I remember that we can’t all be Wakeen, and that’s ok. Wakeen isn’t good at ______ like I am. Varying strengths. And if they wanted it done as quickly as Wakeen can do it, they would have assigned it to Wakeen.

    3. This is my Jam*

      If you can’t do something, that doesn’t mean you’re not smart enough. It means you need to ask someone for help. But, if you find you have a mental block for a particular task : practice, practice, practice.

    4. A Person*

      Research (google)
      Ask co-workers
      Break it down into smaller stages/try another approach
      Take a drink/snack break
      Do something else then come back to it

    5. Dr. Johnny Fever*

      You’re feeling fixed mindset, believing that your skills are finite. We have the capacity to learn more based on how we consume information. I’d encourage you to find videos, podcasts, articles, and forums for help. I echo the suggestion to seek out someone who can show you something when you get stuck.

      All else considered, don’t be afraid to go back to your boss and explain a current block and ask for input on how to proceed. She may have someone in her network or other resources that can help you, and it gives you more credibility in the long run to admit what you don’t know vs. putting in shoddy work.

    6. Jadelyn*

      Know your resources. Smart is overrated, and you can do without being brilliant if you know what resources to tap to get things done. Google is your friend. There are probably other people at your work with special knowledge in specific areas that you can reach out to – for example, I’ve gotten two calls in the past two weeks from managers I don’t work for or work directly with asking me to help them with Excel problems, because word has gotten around that I’m good with Excel. Maybe there’s someone like that at your company?

      Also, read up on imposter syndrome. It’s a very real thing and tends to strongly affect highly intelligent and competent people far more than it affects people who genuinely aren’t at that level.

      And, last thing, see if you have any hard data to give yourself a reality check on. Have you done similar things to the thing in the past? How did those go? Have you gotten feedback, either good or bad, from reasonable people whose perspectives you trust? You don’t want to base your entire self-esteem on what other people think of you, but it can be helpful to recalibrate your perspective sometimes.

    7. LCL*

      Try to figure out a general overview of the situation, then figure out what it is like that has been done in the past, then talk to anyone who is still around who has done the job previously. Believe that everyone is smarter than you IN THEIR PARTICULAR SPECIALTY ONLY, and ask them for help.

    8. MicroManagered*

      I can read your question two ways and my answer depends on which one you mean.

      If you mean that you would like to know how to complete a task when you have concerns about whether you understand it, for that I get feedback early and often. That way my manager can course-correct if needed. I also identify people who are more knowledgeable or experienced and ask them if I can lean on them for questions. I will also spend some time researching the thing I don’t understand. I will also try to be transparent about the parts that are over my head, because I find people who try to pretend they know things they very obviously don’t understand particularly frustrating.

      If you mean that you would like to know how to do something about worrying that you’re not smart enough (when you most likely are) aka “impostor syndrome,” then I think the remedy is all of the above, plus: looking into why you feel that way, knowing yourself so that you know when a task plays to your strengths or challenges your weaker areas, making a deliberate effort to recognize the things you do right/well as much, if not more than the things you don’t do well, and practicing patience with that feeling when it comes up. Sometimes I tell myself something like “I am intimidated because I don’t get this right now, but I know that I will in time.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        OMG, yes, self-talk. It’s super important to reassure yourself. It will decrease your learning curve if you talk nicely to you. Don’t skip this step. I have trained and/or supervised a lot of people. The ones telling themselves, “I dunno if I can do this. This is hard.” etc, have a more difficult time than ones who encourage themselves to keep moving forward. Tell yourself, “It’s okay, I will get this in a bit.” OR Remind yourself, “Last week I did not get X, this week I am okay with X. The same thing will happen here with Y.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      How to do X was not in anyone’s genes at birth. Everyone had to learn.
      This is where I start from in the process of talking myself down from being overwhelmed.

      I totally agree with the advice here and I’d like to add:

      Make lists every night before you go home. Write down what you need to do tomorrow on Thing. This way you know where to start when you come in. (I sleep better when I do this.)

      Have a place to keep info for contact information if necessary and notes to yourself. Take notes as you go, so you can remember what you have done and start to estimate what is next. Go one step at a time.

      Google is your friend. If you don’t understand something during the day, go home and Google at night. See if you can piece together some basics, so that you begin to have reference points.

      Finally, one little secret. You don’t have to be smart. You do have to be curious. Your curiosity can carry you though a lot of situations. Be curious. I have always gotten average grades through school. I felt I had to work hard if I wanted to excel in the workplace. I basically taught myself some stuff through asking myself, “Why is X the answer in this particular situation?” Then I would go back through until I understood why X was the answer.
      Other times I would unknot a problem by thinking of similar situations in my previous work experiences. “Current Situation looks like what other situations I have encountered?”
      Other times I found answers or figured things out by comparing the current situation to other things that I have encountered in my personal life.
      Thinking of EVERYTHING as a resource really helped to loosen up the flow of thoughts for me. Keep your mind limber.

    10. KarenT*

      Put together an action plan. Figure out what you’re trying to accomplish and what you need to do to get there, in small, actionable steps. You can tackle what you need to, and bring in help or additional resources where you need support. Is there anyone senior to you who might be able to help out? I find being really specific in requests to help with this. People are usually willing to help if they see you’ve made an effort first, and if you’re making it as easy for them to do so as possible. “Help! I’m doing our financials for next year and I don’t know what to do!” is going to get a lot less support than “Help! I’m working on the financials for next year and I’ve done the forecasting and market data analysis, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to account for expenses.”
      Also, I’m sure you are more than smart enough :) We all have imposter syndrome from time to time!

    11. AnonAcademic*

      I work in research. One of my mottos is “if I am not working at the edge of my competence, I’m not pushing myself enough.” I have a PhD and sometimes need to reread the same paragraph 10 times and google basic terms to understand things. It’s the nature of working across multiple disciplines. Every very smart person I know has some tasks that really tax their brains. Knowing this is normal even amongst PhDs, MD/PhDs etc. has been helpful for my confidence.

    12. jeff*

      I have had to do this exact thing at times. Get out of your comfort zone a little and ask for help with some peers who you know can help. Be grateful. Go out and google what you don’t know; read up voraciously; take training. Get yourself engaged to make yourself smart enough to do those somethings.

  12. Blah (formerly feeling)*

    I did a second interview for a position on August 2nd, and was told we’d move forward in 5-7 business days. I was out in the woods without service until 7 business days later (out of office voicemail and email setup) but also sent a brief email checking in and expressing my enthusiasm when I was back. No response. That was last Monday.

    I desperately want to email again to know what’s up, even if I was rejected… But I know it’s a bad idea. Right?

    1. Small but Fierce*

      For what it’s worth, sometimes the process never goes as quickly as planned. When I got a job offer a few months ago, I was told to expect news within the next week. I don’t think I heard back for another month, weeks after I had mentally written it off. And I’m currently waiting for a formal offer from a company that needs someone ASAP, but I have yet to receive their pre-offer background check prompt almost two weeks after they made the soft offer. It seems to me that things always take longer than expected.

      That said, I agree that you’re probably better off not checking in again if you sent the email when you got back from your time off the grid. If they’re interested, they’ll remember you.

      1. Blah (currently feeling)*

        Yeah, I know things always take longer than expected… I just really want the job. I’m a bit worried I scared them off somehow… I gave a higher number than they did (I went first), but said that I was sure we’d make it work when they said their number wasn’t very flexible. I want to email again and know, but I guess maybe I’ll check in another month if I don’t hear by then.

    2. Jerry Vandesic*

      The employer probably took your being on vacation as a chance to take a breath. They might also be on vacation. Probably nothing to be concerned with.

  13. Detective Amy Santiago*

    How do you know when it’s time to start looking for something new?

    I’ve been here for more than a year and I like the job, the industry, and my colleagues. The problem is that I’ve already hit the upper cap for salary in this position and there’s not really any room for upward advancement (it’s a small business).

    1. k.k*

      What I would do is start looking at job postings for the things you would be interested in moving onto, and look at how many years of experience they ask for. That’s what I did with my current position. Most listings for the next level up asked for 2-3 years of industry experience, so that’s how long I planned on waiting before looking seriously.

      1. Lily Rowan*

        I would also emphasize that looking at postings doesn’t mean you’re about to quit. You can spend quite a while just keeping your eyes open, looking for the right thing, when you have the luxury of looking while employed.

    2. SarahKay*

      I think it depends on your priorities. If you need more money then the time to look for something new is probably nearly here.
      If you have enough money, and you’re enjoying the job, and still being challenged by it, then I’d say the time to look for something new is when one of those things stops being true. And I would say that only you can assess how important each of those things is to you.

      1. Brett*

        I think you have to look past need.
        In last job, after 6 years I found out I was the single lowest paid person in the country for my title and experience (one of my friends ran the biggest salary survey in the industry). I had no need for money, but I had to realize that not getting raises or promotions was having effects beyond my need for money. One of the biggest was my own employer lowballing people with similar skills to mine who should have been paid more, and similar employers in the same region starting to base their pay practices on my large employer.

        After I quit, a few people with similar positions received nice one-time raises because of panic that they would leave too.

    3. Blue Anne*

      If you enjoy the job and it’s not putting you in a position of financial hardship, I’d wait another year and then start looking. A year might be the minimum, but 2+ years looks better on a CV, especially if you’re moving on for general career development reasons.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      If you like your work, coworkers, and higher-ups, don’t leave unless you get an offer you absolutely can’t refuse. Is advancement important to you or do you just feel like you ~should have a higher title? Or is it really just about needing a more livable salary? I would definitely stay in a lower-paying job that didn’t make me miserable, but I can’t make that call for you.

  14. Generic Administrator*

    My old job (which I left 3 months ago) is currently being advertised. I’m actually tempted to go back (great benefits and team) even though it offers no career growth and had a few other niggles. Hopefully I’ll get a response to the dozens of jobs I’ve applied for this month….

      1. Generic Administrator*

        Boredom/wanted a new challenge, office politics at HQ, commute could be pretty bad some days.

  15. Emmie*

    How does (or has) your company prepared for natural disasters?

    Harvey made me wonder what other companies do for / about impacted employees / locations.

    1. Ecaps*

      My city can hit with the occasional blizzard, so if it looks like one is company, they tell us to work from home on that day and not risk coming in.

      During Hurricane Sandy, the company I was working for at the time closed the office on Monday and Tuesday but then reopened on Wednesday, even though trains weren’t crossing the East River. It was absolutely ridiculous that they had us come in that week at all, given how hard it was for people to get in to Manhattan. Many of us couldn’t do our work from home (required special software and systems), so they said if we didn’t make it in, we’d have to use vacation or personal time. As I had just started and didn’t have any banked, I basically just had to leave for work three hours earlier than normal to deal with the transportation issues. My husband’s office was in lower Manhattan and didn’t get power restored until the following week, so his office jus closed and no one lost any time.

      1. DBG*

        I continue to be flabbergasted at how little thought went into reopening offices immediately after Sandy. I couldn’t get into NYC because there was a boat on the Metro-North tracks – I still have the image – and nobody believed me, even after I sent the photo in with the website.
        I guess as long as the C-Suite (who usually live in NYC) can get around, the rest of us magically can too, even when the MTA/Mayor are still reporting lines out of service and such.
        #SMH

    2. Florida Resident*

      My company actually has an emergency management department, which maintains very detailed plans for various scenarios, including hurricanes. There is pretty much a step-by-step checklist that each area follows, which includes precautionary measures, a list to be done during the storm (each department actually has a designated “ride out crew” who stays onsite during the storm, and are the first ones to start the cleanup process after), and the post-storm checklists.

      The company also works pretty closely with state and local government emergency management agencies as well.

      (This may seem like overplanning, but we operate theme parks, and we have our guest’s safety to think about too, not just employees)

      1. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

        If you don’t mind sharing: do you evaluate the rides after each storm? Are there certain safety procedures you follow? What happens if the rides sustain damage from the storm? I’m so curious about this!

        1. Florida Resident*

          Once we’ve been given the all clear, we’ll go through the normal daily startup checklists.

          First, the Engineering team does a complete walk through, and a systems check on all systems (brakes, motors, ride vehicles, safety bars, etc.)

          Once Engineering has completed their checks, they’ll turn it over to Operations, who will do another check that includes a walk through, and testing all the emergency stops, checking all the resets, and cycling each ride vehicle empty. Part of the checklist also includes drying off any guest accessible parts of the ride vehicles (mainly the seats)

          Once all those are complete, then they will do a test ride, and then finally open the ride.

          If any issues are found by Engineering during their checks, they won’t turn the ride over to Operations until it’s been fixed. If Operations finds any issues, they’ll call Engineering to come back, and will delay opening. If there’s any damage that takes longer to fix, then the ride will remain closed until the damage can be repaired.

    3. SarahKay*

      I’m in the south of the UK so natural disasters tend to be less disastrous. However, it’s a huge global company so we have a disaster recovery plan, which includes what to do when the disaster hits, and a dedicated Site information telephone line used in case of a (very rare) heavy snowfall or similar, which would advise employees if the site was open, etc.

    4. Liz2*

      Depends on the disaster. We’re a big corp so we have offsite offices ready and waiting if needed, tons of contingencies, and easy work at home systems. We have drills to find safe spaces in case a shooter comes on site. Basically emergency services is its own department.

      A previous place was in a metro city and we had occasional chemical deployment drills where we would have to find central floor spaces away from windows- which honestly felt like an empty gesture..

    5. KR*

      We have part of our team in San Antonio and another person that’s in my position but part of a different team recommended I buy them emergency supplies.. . Well Amazon couldn’t get then there fast enough and the local Walmart wasn’t answering their phone at all to set up a pickup so I couldn’t get them emergency supplies. Felt so bad – I’m definitely going to watch the weather from now on. They’re working from home though now so I don’t feel too bad now.

      1. paul*

        If you wait until within 48 hours, it’s too late. A family member in Pearland live streamed their trip to the HEB yesterday; shelves were stripped bare.

        You have to build a good, relevant, disaster kit *before SHTF*. They won’t look the same everywhere–where I’m at blizzards and ice storms are more likely than hurricanes so my kit at home reflects that (fire starter, I keep a half cord of wood in the shed in case power or gas is out, etc).

        I’m in the middle-or was, screw Harvey-of helping rewrite our COOP and emergency operations handbook.

        1. KR*

          Yeah, I’m familiar with the whole preparation thing because I grew up in an area with blizzards and ice storms. I dont watch the news though and honestly had no clue until yesterday that a storm was forecast since I’m in a different part of the country. Guess I know better now.

    6. Xarcady*

      The most likely natural disasters here are blizzards and hurricanes, and sometimes just really bad snowstorms. Fortunately, there’s usually plenty of advance notice of these.

      For the most part, people are encouraged to stay home if they think the weather poses a hazard to getting to the office. Everyone has laptops for just this reason, and managers often send out reminder emails to encourage people to take their laptops home if the weather looks dicey for the following day.

      If you can’t make it into the office and can’t work from home, you have to use your PTO bank to make up the hours, unless the office closes. If you were planning on working from home and lose power/internet, you have to use PTO.

      The office doesn’t close often, even when it seems everything else has. But they do have a lot of delayed openings, to give the snow crews time to clear the roads. A lot of the employees here have long commutes–over half the people in my department drive over an hour one way. So the company does take that into consideration. (I’m an oddity in that I live in the same town as the main office. People joke that I *have* to make it in; I have no excuse.)

      I believe the West Coast office has a plan for earthquakes, but I don’t have access to the details.

      All our sites have elaborate evacuation plans, with floor monitors to sweep the floors to make sure everyone’s out, and permanent signs in the parking lots to indicate where various groups of people are to assemble as they leave the buildings.

    7. T3k*

      I worked for small businesses, so we didn’t really have a plan set out so much as “play it by ear” and to call in if we couldn’t make it. However, I also live between several large universities, and they all have a detailed disaster plan set up to a tee, including who’s essential staff and who’s non-essential during such disasters.

      The unfortunate thing is where I live, if it’s a cold enough winter, we don’t get snow, we get ice, and I live on a hill that I swear the plow trucks half-ass on because while everyone else is pretty much able to get out and go to work again after 2-3 days, we can’t go anywhere for almost a week (after the sun has melted most of it away). I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to take a picture of this street to let my boss know I’m really not trying to skip work.

    8. Construction Safety*

      We have a site-specific hurricane plan for each of our potentially targeted sites. We do not have any other kind of business continuity plan, & I was ridiculed when I asked about it.

    9. RabbitRabbit*

      I work for a largeish hospital in a major city. We not only have natural disaster prep (both in terms of coping with them, and with an influx of patients and others due to them), but our institution also provides prep guides for home use to employees and observes the annual National Preparedness Month (September) with regular updates. Plus we have a triaging system to call in employees (even ‘non-medical’ ones) should we need all-hands for a major disaster of some kind.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Tornadoes are the biggest threat here, along with ice, but you can usually see winter storms coming days in advance. Supercells can bubble up out of nowhere. We have to consider earthquakes too, thanks to both the New Madrid fault zone and tons of fracking in Oklahoma, but they don’t do earthquake drills. They should. I don’t know about St. Louis. They definitely should; if that fault zone lets go, the entire city could be gone.

      Exjob had regular tornado drills along with fire drills. I personally am always prepared for them, because they freak me out. OldExjob was hit by a tornado during the 2009 Super Derecho (yep, this storm was so bad it has its own Wikipedia page). It was pretty scary, and one of our buildings sustained a great deal of damage, but fortunately no one was hurt. A furniture store that also got hit sheltered customers and employees alike in the back.

      The actual tornado that hit us, one of nineteen or twenty that day, was tiny. You simply cannot prepare for the level of destruction something like the 2011 Joplin EF5 tornado did. A third of the city was completely destroyed; part of the nine-story hospital building was rotated four inches on its foundation. It struck on a Sunday, so many people were not at work. Over 150 people died, some afterward. There is a harrowing story of people who took shelter in a beer cooler in a Fastrip gas station; the station was ripped apart around them, but they lived.

      The best place to be in a storm like that is underground, but you’d be surprised by how many homes and businesses here do NOT have tornado shelters or even basements/cellars, including mine. I’d rather move back to CA and have earthquakes. Most of them are small, but even a little tornado can do a LOT of damage. And it’s pretty easy to get out of a tsunami’s way.

    11. AdAgencyChick*

      I’m in NYC, so until Hurricane Sandy I’d never in my career had to deal with anything worse than a bad snowstorm (which some companies gave a snow day for and others would say you either had to come in or use PTO).

      When Sandy hit, my agency was downtown, so the office physically could not support work for a full week while the power was out. The agency closed for the whole week and no one was required to use PTO.

      I do think Sandy got a lot of agencies in our area to think about their backup plans in case of future disasters. Before Sandy, I don’t remember ever being told to take my laptop home the night before a snowstorm and be prepared to work from home if it’s not possible to come into the office; now that instruction goes out every time the weather forecast is bad.

    12. Blue Anne*

      We haven’t at all, as far as I know, beyond being understanding about people being late or working from home when there’s suddenly two feet of snow we didn’t have yesterday.

    13. Red Reader*

      My first job in a big city was on the 19th floor of a skyscraper in Seattle, where I had moved right after the Nisqually quake, so they had earthquake prep on the brain at the time. There was a flyer on the door into the stairwell that — I remember this vividly — said in big red letters, “Make sure you save yourself first. Some people are just going to have a bad day.”

    14. Anon for discussion of my undewear*

      We get regular typhoons, and are in an earthquake zone.

      For typhoons we get typhoon days; the night before the government announces it, and it means that all schools and government offices are closed (as well as a lot of private business), and that there may be transit shut-downs or reductions, depending on how the storm hits. In some situations, where there is excessive non-typhoon rain with risk of flood, we’re told to go home early. We informally pass on advice to people new to the area (make sure you’ve got extra water, some candles and enough food for a few days, and remember to pick up beer on the way home).

      The country is pretty well prepared for typhoons in general. I’ve never seen a grocery store stripped bare, although leafy vegetables are hard to get for a few weeks afterwards, and they’re pretty fast about getting essential services back on line, and major roads cleared. They do evacuate some landslide prone areas, and have the sense not to build right on the coast in the areas that regularly get hit by typhoons and are at risk for tsunami.

      For earthquakes, we have a yearly drill for exiting the building, and we have numerous designated safety people with shiny vests to direct things, who get extra training.

      There’s also a yearly air-raid drill, but that’s a city wide thing.

  16. This is my Jam*

    I need a new career, the one I have makes me sad, anxious, and irritated. It’s been over 10 years and I’ve lost any passion, interest or joy in my life. Sneaky little monster.

    1. JulieBulie*

      Do you really need a new career? Or just a new job?

      At one point in my career, I considered running away and joining the circus. No… I mean LITERALLY joining the circus. (I seriously looked into it, but quickly saw that it wouldn’t be for me.) Because my job sucked, I was being crushed by ennui, I couldn’t find another job in the same field, and could not envision things ever getting better. I concluded that office jobs in general were not for me.

      Soon afterwards, I lost that job. I was out of work for a YEAR and moved to another state and found another job (same industry, same line of work) in two weeks.

      That workplace was a little toxic in some ways, but it didn’t give me the same soul-crushing ennui that the previous place had. In fact, my next four jobs were dysfunctional, but only one of them was actually soul-crushing.

      So, in my case, it wasn’t the career/profession/industry. It was just that one company. (And that other one later.) Maybe that’s not the case for you. But do think about it. Maybe all you really need is a change of scenery.

      1. This is my Jam*

        It’s definitely the career. The job I have now, while it has it’s faults, is not the reason for my unhappiness. I don’t like what I do, it has always gone inherently against my personality (think an introvert working in sales), and it takes all my energy to deal with it every day.

    2. Hey Karma, Over here.*

      Scroll up to Anon Today. Same thing. Just crappy work situation that poisoned the rest of her life. You are not alone!

    3. anna green*

      I hear you! I’m in the same boat. It actually took me a long time to be able to accept that it was okay to want something new simply because it makes me sad, anxious, and irritated. I kept trying to convince myself I should be fine and happy because of x, y and z. And you know what, I’m not happy, and that’s okay. Time to move on. (easier said than done, but still, its a start)

    4. KellyK*

      Well, what would you like doing and be good at doing? Are there things that fit better with your interests that you have some transferable skills from your current job?

      Once you know what that is, you can take small steps to get there. Job-hunting is the obvious one, but if there are gaps in your experience, you can figure out things to bridge those gaps. Maybe a class, maybe volunteering, maybe other tasks you could pick up at work.

  17. Anonish*

    I feel like I might know the answer to this but I wanted to get some reassurance. Do I have any obligation to let my manager know about my pregnancy plans if I know going in that’s going to be medically complicated and time-consuming? My fiance and I met with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist this week for a pre-conception consultation due to my Type 1 diabetes. She was very optimistic but a future pregnancy is going to be far more medically supervised than I was aware of – like twice a week appointments type of thing. Do I need to give a heads-up, “Hey, this might be happening at some point in the near future”? My boss is aware of my Type 1 diabetes and super understanding/flexible about medical appointments and stuff, and we have an unlimited sick time policy, but I’m not sure people who haven’t dealt with this have a good understanding that a pregnancy for me is going to be very different from most people.

      1. Anonish*

        I like that strong “nooooo” since that’s what I was pretty sure I would see, just freaking out a little bit about this whole (still hypothetical!) thing.

    2. K*

      Nope. Your plans for when to have unprotected procreative sex are absolutely none of your manager’s business.

    3. Murphy*

      Nope, not at all. When you’re actually there, you can explain that you’ll need extra monitoring, but I wouldn’t tell them in advance. Good luck!

      1. Anonish*

        Yeah, for that reason I will probably end up disclosing earlier than most folks normally would (I am always paranoid that people will think I’m interviewing when I have multiple doctor’s appointments in a short space of time). I am SUCH a planner that it feels so weird to be in that situation of, “Well, this might happen soon and it might take a long time and we really have no way of knowing when it might be.”

        1. Rocketship*

          You know what? Let them worry a little. Unless you’re totally useless (I’m betting you are a pretty far cry from useless), a little worry over “Uh oh, is Anonish going to leave us?” can help remind folks just how not-useless you are.

          Then your announcement, when you’re ready to announce, will be met with “Oh thank goodness” instead of “Oh sh**”. :)

        2. attornaut*

          Think about it this way: what are you trying to accomplish by disclosing? If it’s helping your manager plan, well, there is zero help in letting her know something may or may not happen in the near or not so near future! So you’d have to wait until you were sure to even make disclosure helpful, and then they have the full gestational period of a human to plan. If you were quitting, you would not give 9+ months notice, so this shouldn’t require more.

    4. Turtlewings*

      No, you have no obligation to discuss your health or family plans with your boss unless and until it directly impacts work. I mean, what would you do if she tried to deny you permission to do it? Don’t put either of you in that position. It’s great that she’s been understanding and flexible so far. I’m sure she will continue to be, and it’s fine to express your appreciation for that, but don’t let blur the lines between professional and personal. There’s too many ways that can go wrong.

    5. k.k*

      I’ve learned from this site that in most situations, the best advice is “don’t tell your boss about your plan until it is a real thing”. Applies to pregnancies, job hunts, plans to move eventually, etc.

    6. Yorick*

      Once you are pregnant/having many appointments, you don’t have to tell your manager but could say something like “nothing to worry about, but I’m going to be having more frequent doctor’s appointments for issues related to my diabetes.”

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        This is a great suggestion. That way you don’t have to announce your pregnancy earlier than you’re ready to.

        1. Southern Ladybug*

          I like it as well. And I agree – no need to say anything at all until it’s a reality.

          I hope it all goes well for you!

      2. blackcat*

        I like this. It’s true! I would encourage this particularly if you don’t think you’d be comfortable discussing a pregnancy loss with your boss. It’s my understanding that diabetes (of either sort, but particularly type 1) can increase the risk of early loss.

    7. Friday*

      Nope nope nope – no obligation whatsoever to tell your boss! When you get pregnant and st art on those twice a week appointments, tell your boss you have a complication related to your diabetes that is being managed but you need to commit to more frequent doc visits for the time being (and plan with her on flex time, project management, etc. etc.). Don’t tell her the reason until you are ready to do so.

      Best of luck to you!! I hope everything goes smoothly!

    8. Government Worker*

      Don’t say anything in advance. You never know how long it will actually take to get pregnant, so it’s not even really actionable information for your manager – she will know that it’s likely that you’ll be out more than usual for a while at some point in the next months or years, followed by a maternity leave. The only thing she could do with the information is to preemptively keep you off of new projects or cut back on your responsibilities, and that’s probably not what you’re after.

    9. Jadelyn*

      You never, ever, ever, EVER have any obligation to share family planning information with anyone except your intended family planning partner.

    12. Zahra*

      No obligation, and, if you can, get a second/third advice (from a different hospital and/or clinic) on the frequency of appointments. You’ll find that some doctors are very (maybe too) cautious and would like you to come twice a week for 30-something weeks and others will be cool to go with the regular monthly appointments (with more frequent appointments during the home stretch) with a few specialist appointments thrown in.

      I won’t go over what other protocols can change between doctors, but suffice it to say that I find that obstetrics is one of the medical fields where informed consent is the least respected: everything is “mandatory” (i.e. they don’t tell you that you can decline), information on benefits, risks and alternatives is inexistent, incomplete or skewed towards the doctor’s point of view more often than not.

      Do yourself a favor and find a doctor that’ll respect informed consent. Being “nice” isn’t enough. I have coffee with nice people. I have confidence in my medical team if they treat me as a full member of the team deciding on treatments, procedures, etc.

      1. Government Worker*

        Yes, this is very true. I was heavily supervised for the last several months of my (twin) pregnancy, and I got very different advice even from different MFMs within the same group at the same hospital. Some had a “take it easy as much as possible but live your life” approach, while others would have had me on strict bed rest for months despite no evidence that it helps in the particular circumstances I had.

        1. Zahra*

          The only reason I recommend a different practice is that you don’t want the “authoritarian” type OB on call when you deliver or get close to your EDD. You’ll get pressure to obey and having to battle to have your rights respected is the last thing you want to handle while in labor.

    13. DBG*

      I would say something, just to make sure your boss is in the loop, esp. if it’s going to impact your availability to the team to the point of 2x a week. YMMV.

  18. Teapot Librarian*

    Well, after a few weeks of calm, I’ve hit another snag with my Hoarder Employee. My boss and I are negotiating a loan of some of our teapots to a teapot museum (the museum being in a much better position to care for them than my office is for the time being). I know that I should have told Hoarder Employee about this earlier, and I accept the blame for not doing that, but I told him today and you would have thought I told him that I agreed to kill his puppy. I was in the middle of hosting folks from the museum when this conversation happened, so I told him that we would argue about it when I was done. He then went to a meeting and I doubt I’ll see him before the weekend.

    I don’t need advice on this specific situation, but I wouldn’t mind feedback on the issue that led to this: I have been extremely reluctant to tell Hoarder Employee about decisions that would take teapots out of our facility (we have many many many teapots that do not align with our mission) because I know that he’ll disagree with my decisions. I don’t mind my employees disagreeing with me, but it’s his tone when he does it. So then I don’t tell him until the decision is close to final, and he (more or less rightfully) gets upset that he wasn’t kept in the loop. How do I get over my reluctance to deal with his snottiness when he disagrees with me?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      You’re his supervisor, right?

      Tell him that sometimes teapots will be going out of the facility for various reasons and he needs to accept that. If he can’t, it might be time for him to consider moving on.

    2. JulieBulie*

      Tell him that loaning out the teapots is the right thing for the business. “Right thing for the business” is everyone’s priority, including yours and his.

      1. JulieBulie*

        D’oh, it’s a library. Well, it’s still the right thing for the library, and that should be HE’s priority!

        Seriously, unless there’s a legitimate reason for him to participate in making the decision, his opinion doesn’t matter. I guess if he gives you attitude about it, ask if his strong feelings about teapot-hoarding are going to interfere with his ability to do his job, which includes respecting the decisions made by his managers.

        1. JulieBulie*

          D’oh-oh, it’s an archive, not a library… well, still the same, it’s the right thing for the archive.

      1. Teapot Librarian*

        Actually it is an archive. My office is a conglomerate of information organization types.

        2. Bibliovore*

          I am in an archive. I feel for you every time you post. I would have a meeting with him. I would go point by point how his behavior – attitude, hoarding, actions- be specific and put it in writing has/does/ affect the work of the department and does not re. That you have discussed this with your supervisor and you have her support for the decisions that you have made for the department. Because of his previous actions he will not be participating in the decision making processes until he demonstrates an understanding of the work. It might be time for a PIP.

          2. Teapot Librarian*

            Thanks for this feedback. You’re right about a PIP. I’ll have to look it up, but I think I now have to wait until performance evaluation season (October) and I might have to then wait some period into the next performance period. What I need to do now is practice my evaluation conversation with him so that I’m prepared for all of his pushback.

    4. Myrin*

      I agree with Amy. I might be missing something, but since you’re his boss, I don’t quite follow why you need to be afraid of or tiptpoe around his feelings. If I understand correctly, your main reason for wanting to avoid conversations like this is his tone but I feel like you just need to learn to deal with that.

      I can also imagine that this is one of those scenarios where your own stance when presenting information influences how the other person feels about it – we talked about this in a thread earlier this week and it’s like when you start out as “I know this might be weird and I hope you won’t be mad” you’re already setting yourself up to be attacked because the other person takes their clues from you and is now on the lookout for something to feel weird and mad about. If you can confidently say “these teapots will be transferred to teapot museum on [date]”, you’re not leaving much room for him to argue, rhetorics-wise.

      (I’m also not quite clear on the structure here – does he even have any say in how teapots are dealt with? Is this something he needs to be kept in the loop about because it’s his job or is it just because he’s a teapot hoarder that he Needs To Know about all the teapots’ whereabouts?)

      1. Teapot Librarian*

        I don’t have to be afraid of his feelings, but I am. I need to get over it, pronto!

    5. fposte*

      One possibility is to meet with him about this tendency when there isn’t a specific loan on the table and identify what objections you will hear and how, and what’s no longer discussable. “Hoarder, I know you struggle with loans and with weeding, but they’re an important part of our institution. I’m willing to talk to you about occasional specific objections to a particular case, but what I hear from you is just a general opposition to this key part of the mission, and I’m closing down discussion on that; we will expect from 100-500 teapots per year to leave the institution, and that’s non-negotiable. I’m willing to entertain reasons why specific teapots should be exempted if you email them to me within x days of my mentioning the plan, which I will try to do well in advance.”

    6. AnotherLibrarian*

      I think there’s two issues here. One is he’s a problem employee who has an attitude problem. The other is that you made a decision that impacts his collection (I’m assuming) without asking him. Most people react poorly when they feel like their “stuff” is being impacted. If I was trying to deal with him (and I know I would struggle), I would start with email and then face to face.

      So, maybe start with something like, “The International Teapot Museum has asked if we would loan our Dutch and French Teapots for their exhibit on unique spouts. This is such a great opportunity for our French Teapots to be seen by so many people.” And then, to forestall any logical concerns about transportation and storage by attaching all the specs, or specifically saying, “And they have proper museum quality facilities and correct storage for our teapots which is reassuring.”

      This takes away his argument that you didn’t tell him about the loan. Then I think you have to just be prepared to deal with him when he storms in or expresses upset. I would also be documenting, documenting and documenting.

      When he is upset, a way to defuse, maybe to ask why. “Why are you upset that the French Teapots are going on loan?” And when he says something like, “They won’t be safe.” You can say, “Well, here is the agreement we made…”

      But maybe you need to let this guy go. He sounds awful.

    7. MsM*

      “I understand you’re frustrated about not being notified these things are happening sooner, but since your stance on loans is invariably negative, I’m not really seeing the benefit in having the same argument over and over again. If you want to be part of these discussions, I’m going to need you to meet me and Boss halfway in accepting that sometimes we are not the best facility for every teapot.”

    8. NW Mossy*

      My former boss gave me amazing advice about how to handle this kind of situation, which she learned in her prior life as a litigator – keep your own words to a minimum. I tried it with a defensive employee and it worked amazingly well.

      The basic idea is that you’re presenting the decision (teapots are going away as of a specific date) and a brief explanation (museum X is an appropriate home for them). You are not obligated to explain the nuances of decision to him or debate its merits, and shouldn’t because he’s not going to influence the outcome at that point.

      Now, he’s going to get upset. He’s going to demand a discussion. He’s going to question your judgment six ways from Sunday. Each time he expects a response from you, you respond with an anodyne and calm “I hear what you’re saying, but my expectation is that you’re going to do X.” X is whatever you want from him in the future – facilitating/support the teapots’ transition, etc.

      All that said, I’d encourage you to think about his defensiveness as a performance problem and start managing it that way. I’m sure Alison has some letters in the archives about this topic, but his refusal to accept decisions and need to relitigate every point is making him less effective and eating into time you need to do your own job.

      Name this for him: “Hoarder, I’m seeing a pattern from you where you fight any decision that means we have fewer teapots here. We’ve talked many times about why those decisions are consistent with our mission, and we can’t spend any more time having the same argument. In the future, I need you to commit to carrying out these decisions even if you disagree, and I need you to present concerns you have in a more constructive way. Can you do that?”

      1. Hey Karma, Over here.*

        The theory is once you start to explain you’ve already lost the debate. I realize I am over simplifying, but the truth is the more reasons you offer, the more opportunities for push back. Here is what we are doing. Here is why we are doing it. But X, Y, Z. Those are not issues in this situation. We need this, so we are doing this.

    9. Madeleine Matilda*

      I think the key here is to hear him out. Listen to why he wants to keep everything in your archive and what his concerns are about loaning items. Then you can respond to his reasons for keeping things with items that you may agree with (for example, I agree with you that the teapots are of great interest to our researchers.) Then address his concerns (for example, how will we know that the teapots are properly cared for? Answer: The receiving museum will complete a facility report, provide a copy of their insurance that covers the item, our conservator will do a site inspection, etc.). Who knows, he may have a valid reason that will make you reconsider the loan or addressing his concerns may alleviate his worries. The point is to have a dialogue with him rather than just giving him information.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I have to disagree with Madeleine Matilda. This person is not a new hire. His behavior is unacceptable. His concerns are not in alignment with best practices. His supervisor does not owe him a discussion. He is most likely knows all the information about loan agreements, insurance, etc. Time to meet with HR and communicate with him that his behavior is jeopardizing his employment.

    10. Clever Name*

      Stop managing your employee’s emotions for him. If you tell him something totally normal in your line of work, and he flies off the handle, that’s on him. Not you.

  19. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

    I’m… becoming a first-time manager? In just over a month? This is amazing but I am flipping terrified, in no small part because I’ll be managing a current employee who has been here much longer than I have (who is not yet aware of the staff change). She may be resigning soon for unrelated reasons, in which case I would have the opportunity to hire someone new, which is exciting and nervewracking for an entirely different set of reasons. But like… wow. Increasing responsibility! Professional development! But then as soon as I have a direct report everyone will realize that I suck and they made a mistake in trusting me! (I know I’m being dramatic here but I can’t shut off that little voice… shudder.)

    Just had to get that out!

      1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        Thanks so much! I really appreciate it, I’ll get to reading asap.

        1. Rookie Manager*

          I read most of Alisons book between getting the offer and my first day. On my first day I got hit with x, y AND z big situations. On the way home I phoned my parents and said ‘I’ve not got this far in the book yet!’ While Alison didn’t have chapters on these exact scenarios I did have all the information I needed. Today I passed my probation with flying colours.

          You got this.

    2. This is my Jam*

      Also… don’t question mark your promotion. It’s not a question. “I’m becoming a first-time manager in just over a month!” Sometimes we need to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done!

    3. Meg*

      I’m in the exact same situation (except that we’re hiring someone new immediately) and equally terrified/excited!

      1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        Solidarity! I just keep telling myself that they know my work and their opinion of my capability is based on things I’ve already accomplished. So if I can do all that stuff, I can do this, and if I can do this, so can you. :)

      1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        Thanks! It was between Kalros and “Big Stupid Jellyfish.”

    6. Bess*

      It helps me a bit to know that even the mother of all thresher maws can experience imposter syndrome.

      1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        Fighting alien robots is not NEARLY as terrifying as responsibility and accountability, let me tell you.

    7. MegEmDub*

      I’m sitting on the other side of that 18 months out. I took over a team who had all been with the company anywhere from 5 to 35 years longer than I had. I started reading Ask A Manager religiously. I read Alison’s book. I sought out mentors (do this! your boss or someone else who’s managed people you can bounce ideas off of). I thought everyone would think or find out that I was a fraud.

      I can tell you that none of that happened. I have made mistakes, yes. Everyone does. I’ve also grown and blossomed and discovered this is really what I am supposed to be doing. You’ve got this.

    8. Young and Managing*

      I was in this position not too long ago and you should be supper excited. As someone who had to manage an employee that had been there since before I was born, I can honestly say it takes a while until some are comfortable with this type of change. As long as you set fair and honest standards, they should respect that or find a position that better suits their needs. If you do get the chance to hire, definitely take some time to understand the skills you are looking for and ask others for help when you need it. I kind of forgot the whole asking others for a hand when I was a first time manager. 99% people were happy to help!

      1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        Thanks very much! I’ll keep all of this in mind and just keep breathing.

  20. Loopy*

    I’ve never seen promotions announced before and it just happened in a team meeting. Is this common?

    Notably, I don’t think it’s done consistently which is an obvious problem but aside from that, reactions seemed… odd.

    Is this way off base to do?

    2. JulieBulie*

      I wish I could say that this varies from workplace to workplace, but it’s worse than that. Even within a given company, sometimes they might get announced and sometimes not.

      Overall, though, in most companies you usually do at least hear about promotions and other position changes that result in a change to the reporting structure (like when a manager moves up or sideways). But there was one time when I was transferred from one manager to another and didn’t even know about it until I filed an expense report and saw that the approval came from the new one. Some people do not communicate well!

      I’ve seldom heard about promotions for individual contributers, though. My own promotion was communicated to the other managers, some of whom told their direct reports (my peers) and some of whom did not. (It was communicated three months after the fact, so I was suddenly being congratulated when I hadn’t even realized there’d been an announcement.)

    3. D.W.*

      We always announce promotions at my org. They post them on the internal information email and then send out a blast email.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Promotions are announced to various degrees at my university but the size of the announcement is usually dependent on the position — someone being promoted from chair to assistant dean is a campus-wide email; someone promoted from manager to director means a department or college-wide email; someone promoted from administrative assistant level III to administrative assistant level II is probably a verbal mention in a team meeting or nothing at all.

    6. Ama*

      We generally announce all promotions here via staff wide emails, but it’s also considered the job of the promoted person’s manager which has occasionally caused delays or other problems. My first promotion here was completely overlooked because my original manager had just left after several months on medical leave, and simultaneously a large restructuring meant it wasn’t entirely clear if I was going to stay with my interim manager or report to someone else. (In retrospect I should have said something but I was relatively new to the organization at the time and didn’t realize that my now manager totally would have felt horrible if she’d realized I was forgotten.)

      But I could definitely see that if it is not a common thing at your workplace it might seem like the people who got announcements are being favored over people who got promoted and no one said anything.

  21. NP Admin*

    So I am currently job searching and I have a question for hiring managers. In my experience, I have always been asked to come onboard in new positions as soon as possible. I would really really love to take one or two weeks off between jobs, especially since I know I won’t be requesting vacation time for a while. How often do you allow new hires to take 1-2 weeks in addition to the courtesy 2 week notice at their previous job? And is there a way to best phrase the request so that I’m more likely to get it? My current org didn’t even want me to take the full 2 weeks as a courtesy to my previous employer!

    1. M*

      Just let them know you are available to start on x date, which is 3 weeks out. If they push, well it’s up to you to decide how firm you want to be

    3. blackcat*

      When my husband got an offer in mid-May, he said he was available to start after the July 4th holiday. They countered with July 15th so it would be the start at a good time for his now manager (she was taking the first two weeks of July off). No one seemed to think this was odd (they even said it would be fine if he wanted to wait even longer, but wanted him to start by Sept 1st). He was coming into a new role, though, which may be more flexible than replacing an existing person.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Just give a start date that accounts for your time off. It’s really common for people to take trips or even have their weddings in the gap between jobs so your new management will know the deal.

  22. Elmyra Duff*

    I start grad school on Monday. I have no idea how to tell my boss about it, and I’m going to need to eventually because I have to do field work. It’s not at all related to my current job, either. (Right now I write about teapots and I want to teach high school kids how to write about teapots!) Ugh. Any suggestions?

    1. fposte*

      What do you want from her? Will you have to quit to do the fieldwork?

      If your schedule remains the same, I don’t think there’s any obligation to tell her just because you’re doing it, and you can be nice and give her a few extra weeks before your departure. That being said, sometimes buy-in is really useful from an employer, so if you think that’s the case–especially if you might need some flexibility in scheduling–it can be useful to mention earlier rather than later.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      Tell you employer about things that affect your schedule, as far in advance as possible. Be matter-of-fact, because stuff happens all the time. Example:
      Hi Boss, I have a new commitment for my time. I’m in grad school! This will not affect my schedule or work here until x, when I’ll be doing field work. I’ll need to take (2 weeks / 2 days a week / ? ) for that. How would you like to handle that?

      Then give a few possible examples – vacation; sabbatical; reduced hours. I assume you’ll end up leaving this position, so you’ll also want to let her know you’re thinking about that:

      The program ends on Y date, and I’ll be looking for a (full-time / part-time / after hours) position. If we need to transition some of my work to other people, here’s what can be moved most easily, and I think Wakeen or Sally could do it. If they’re interested, I’ll start training them around Z.

    3. Fabulous*

      “Hi Boss! I have some exciting news – I was accepted into graduate school, and I actually start on Monday! It shouldn’t affect my availability until further down the road, but I wanted to let you know now for when the time comes.”
      BOSS: What are you going for?
      “Actually, I want to be able to teach people about what I do, so my degree will be a Master of Arts in Writing with an emphasis on Teapot Writing. It’s a pretty cool program and I’m really excited to be able to pass on the knowledge that I’ve acquired here too.”

  23. Anon 1*

    I’ve been at my current job for 4 months. To be honest, there’s very little feedback here. I believe I am doing a decent job and I’ve never heard anything negative from management concerning my work. However, yesterday I got a small reprimand. It wasn’t a huge deal. I wasn’t in trouble exactly, just told that I needed to not do something I had done again. However, now I’m very anxious about the whole situation. I’m only 21, so I don’t have all that much experience. Is getting a small reprimand something major that I need to worry about? Is there some way I can make up for this (I already apologized)? Is it bad that I made a mistake 4 months in?

    1. Generic Administrator*

      You’ll be fine- as long as you acknowledged and learned from the mistake, it really isn’t anything to worry about. I know it can seem a big thing (been there myself) but as long as your continuing to do a good job then there’s nothing to worry about. And four months is still newbie territory- to go four months without a mistake is good!!

    3. a Gen X manager*

      agreed, no worries! Just don’t do “it” again and don’t get lost in a stress cycle about it! Also, be grateful you were given the feedback and trust that they’ll continue giving you feedback as needed (a lot of managers / supervisors stink and don’t do this until things pile up so much that they feel that they have to take action and by then it is being (mentally) held against you!). It sounds like you’re in a great place – relax, do your best, and you’ll be fine :)

    4. Small but Fierce*

      Short answer: You’re absolutely fine.

      Long answer: I was you a few years ago and understand your anxiety. However, you should have nothing to worry about with any reasonable manager. Mistakes are expected early into any role (and 4 months is still very early). It’s likely you don’t even need to apologize if it’s a minor mistake, but if you do, coming up with a solution or plan for future instances may help quell your anxiety a bit. Just keep being eager to learn and improve.

    5. bluesboy*

      You really shouldn’t need to worry about this. Do you think that nobody ever makes mistakes at work, particularly that 21 year olds who’ve only been in a job for 4 months never make mistakes? You’re going to make mistakes, some will be because what you actually did was fine but not the ways it’s done in that specific office, and some of which will just be plain mistakes, whether technical, or errors of judgement.

      When they happen, you can tell a lot about a company (or manager) by how it/she/he handles them. In this case you were told not to do something again, you weren’t in trouble. That’s feedback that will help you to do better in future – something that too often you don’t receive (you just keep making the mistake because nobody tells you…bad management…and then when finally you get told off for it, it’s become a big, out of control issue).

      I’ve made SOOO many mistakes in my career. Honestly, if you only made one mistake in your first 4 months (as long as the mistake wasn’t something really serious) then you’re doing really well!

    6. fposte*

      I would classify that more as a correction than a reprimand. No, it’s not bad; with newish employees especially you’re kind of coloring without knowing where the lines are, so it’s pretty common to be told “Hey, that was outside our lines; our lines are here.”

    7. Madeleine Matilda*

      I agree with the other comments above. I would also more generally suggest you ask for feedback on your overall performance. You could ask your manager for a one on one meeting to ask how you are doing. Come prepared with information about your progress, areas in which you might want for training or development, etc.

    8. Work Wardrobe*

      You can apologize once without too much emotion, say you’ll be sure to stay aware of “that” and say “thanks for the feedback.”

      Really, taking feedback calmly and thoughtfully, and getting clarification in the moment if you need it, is perfectly professional.

      And you’d be perfectly in your right to ask your manager, “Can we plan a 15-minute discussion where I can get some feedback on my first few months here?” Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need!

      1. LizzyDragon*

        Ditto on asking for feedback! I do it with my boss every now and then. If you feel like you’re not getting enough feedback, I found it helps by asking for feedback in a specific area. For example, I’ve recently taken over the scheduling for my dept, which I haven’t done before. So after making a schedule, I’ve sent it over to my boss and ask her what she thinks of it (as she has done it many times before).

        You can also ask others for feedback. I’ve gotten feedback from colleagues and those I supervise- not just my boss. Again, I’ve gotten good responses by asking for specific feedback.

  24. Canadian J*

    Is it standard that workers in the food industry have to pay out-of-pocket for damaged equipment, spilled drinks, broken glasses, or dine-and-dash customers?

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/susur-lee-restaurant-staff-iou-1.4252959

    I used to work in the food industry (7 years), and I never had to pay out-of-pocket for damaged equipment, broken glasses/plates, or a messed up order. I never had to deal with any dine-and-dash situations, but I don’t think I would have been on the hook for those, either. It never even crossed my mind; I figured it was part of the deal of working in a restaurant.

    Does this happen in the U.S., or in other countries?

    1. Myrin*

      I’m working part-time in the kitchen of an inn/restaurant in Germany and I’ve never had to pay for any damaged equipment; like you say, it’s part of the deal. My boss did say once, though, that they used to have a part-timer who’d break at least one thing every. single. time she was on shift and he and his wife wondered about asking her to pay a small sum because she’d literally single-handedly ruined an entire set of cups. I don’t know about any rules/laws/legality surrounding that and this worker left shortly after that conversation anyway but yeah, I’ve broken one cup and two plates and messed up three or four orders in my two-and-a-half years there, so I’m not really sure how compensation would work with such a small amount of mistakes, anyway.

    2. Princess Carolyn*

      I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in the U.S. (someone wanna confirm or deny for me?), and it’s definitely not a standard practice here. Damaged equipment, broken glasses, etc., are part of the cost of doing business. It is something I’ve heard of — probably sometimes as an empty threat and sometimes as a very bad management tactic — but it’s certainly not standard.

      1. fposte*

        It varies from state to state. It can’t take the worker below minimum wage, and in most states they’d have to agree to it (which may just be a box-tick at hire, though).

        1. Charlotte Collins*

          I was under the impression that it was illegal under federal law. (But food service in the US is notoriously fond of breaking labor laws.)

    3. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

      I have never worked anywhere that required reimbursement for dropped/broken items but a few places I worked only gave you 1 “freebie” on dine-and-dash – after that it came out of your pocket (because they assumed you lied and were trying to pocket the money – lovely, I know. Makes me glad I am not in the industry any more)

    4. k8*

      i never had to pay for what i broke, but i definitely had to cover my dine-and-dashes. however, i worked at a crappy divebar; my bf who works at a more upscale place right now doesn’t have to cover people who walk out. so it definitely happens in the US, but not if you’re working for a nice/non-jerky boss.

      1. Charlotte Collins*

        Out of curiosity, do you notice more people who dine-and-dash in one versus the other type of place. (My food service experience was pay-at-the-counter. No one can skip the bill if they have to pay in advance.)

    5. Candy*

      Not the food industry, but I was working in a clothing store years ago and I messed up a buy-4-get-one-free promo and accidentally gave the customer four free socks for buying one and my (awful, awful, awful) manager made me pay her the difference IN CASH before I left that day.
      I was young and timid and didn’t know any better so I paid her the money but I was so upset about it that I quit a week later.
      BUT! Before my last day the owner of the store heard about what happened and was like, yeah that was illegal she can’t make you pay for till mistakes and paid me back!

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Someone with a legal background once told me that you can’t be charged for accidents that are predictable within company policy. For example, if the company allows you to have coffee near your computer, you can’t be charged for repairing spill damage. By extension, I would say that waitstaff couldn’t be charged for breaking glasses when it’s the company’s choice to use breakable glass.

      1. fposte*

        Nice logic, but it’s not true :-). There are definitely states where you can straight out deduct the breakages without even asking, and others where all you need is an employee consent that you get to do that.

  25. k8*

    next friday is the last summer friday at my company . . . im going to have to go back to working 8 hours on fridays and i dont wannnaaa

    1. Elmyra Duff*

      SAME. Why not have Summer Fridays all year? I don’t want to be here for eight hours in the winter, either.

      1. k8*

        i would argue that we need them MORE in winter– there are less hours of daylight! we should be leaving early so we can enjoy them!

    2. Clumsy Clara*

      You’ve probably left for the day already so you can’t hear all of us still stuck at work playing the worlds tiniest violin for you…

    3. Julianne*

      I feel you. My unofficial last day of summer break was Monday, and I don’t wanna go back to meetings and trainings and get up early and wear real pants every day.

  26. Kowalski! Options!*

    My co-worker brought her pet rabbit to the office today in a pet stroller.
    It is all I can do now not to sound like Yosemite Sam at his absolute worst.
    I knew I should have worked from home today.

      1. Kowalski! Options!*

        I still can’t believe that the security guards let the rabbit through. With the exception of seeing-eye dogs, they don’t even let support animals in. If we were some kind of hip tech start-up, or a place where animals were regularly invited in to visit, that’d be one thing, but this is a government office where animals are prohibited (as are scented products) because of the allergy factor.

        1. Random*

          OOHHH that makes more sense. We have a dog friendly building here. Love bringing my little bears up here every now and then (but definitely wouldn’t if someone was allergic)

    3. LadyMountaineer*

      Hahhahahahahha

      I go off the rails on the crazy train every time my coworker brings in her fake service dog. It is the worst!

      1. Kowalski! Options!*

        OMG, the thought of her getting that rabbit approved as a service animal just made my hair stand on end.

    4. Teapot Librarian*

      I 100% understand not being happy that your coworker brought her pet rabbit to work, but I do love the image of the rabbit in a stroller!

    5. Grumplepuss*

      I sympathize. I am EXTREMELY allergic to rabbits. I would have to leave if I couldn’t avoid the rabbit. I do like looking at rabbits though…from far away, like on the internet. There is a funny site called Disapproving Rabbits.
      Now if this were my coworker I would be Extremely Aggravated, but on the other hand maybe her A/C is out today or her house is being painted or fumigated? If it was the latter and the rabbit was confined to her office I wouldn’t hold it against her….for as long as normal.

      1. Kowalski! Options!*

        Not even! It was her first day of holidays, so she thought she’d bring him in to say hello.

        1. JaneB*

          She’s on HOLIDAY… from work… and decided to bring her pet to work??

          I’m baffled. Who does that??

    6. RabbitRabbit*

      … I kind of wish I could bring my two rabbits in to keep me company today. But they’d be bored and/or scared, I’m sure.

  27. ThatGirl*

    Question for the crowd:

    My new job is customer facing but primarily focused on expanding our digital outreach; as such I am trained on phones but it’s not a key part of my job. I’m salaried; the rest of my team (minus our lead) is hourly and they are all primarily focused on phone and email support. I also have a laptop; nobody else does right now.

    The company is trying to expand work from home capabilities. At this point there seem to be technical limitations that would prevent phones from being answered at home so the rest of my team is not eligible, but I would be.

    If you were my co-workers, would you resent me working from home occasionally? Regularly? I have no plans to do so regularly at this point, but it’d be nice to have the option — but I also don’t want to breed resentment.

    1. k.k*

      I wouldn’t resent that. I would see it as you’re providing phone support on the days you’re in the office and focusing on the other parts of your job on the home days. The key here is that your coworkers actually understand what your job is. Otherwise they might not realize that phones are not supposed to be your main focus, which would foster resentment.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I think they do; it’s a new position and I’m already causing small amounts of disruption, which was the plan – taking ownership of some new initiatives and changing some processes. Originally I was supposed to be lateral to the team lead, which would’ve made my separate-ness more clear, but they eliminated a manager shortly before I started and gave the team lead more responsibility instead. That doesn’t bother me, but I do want to be aware of perceptions.

    2. Not a Real Giraffe*

      I might be resentful, but my resentment wouldn’t be directed at you, but rather the powers that be for creating that kind of dynamic. Your job is different than your colleagues’ in terms of both structure and responsibility; that comes with perks like a laptop and the ability to WFH. So long as you aren’t flaunting it in my face (“lalala I am so excited to work from home, sucks you can’t!!!!”), then take advantage of the flexibility.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Right, and other departments already have more WFH days, I’m just trying to be aware of how it might look. I don’t actually expect to do it a ton anyway, since my commute is SO MUCH shorter, but I want to be able on occasion.

    3. CMDRBNA*

      Hey, ThatGirl – I was in a department that faced this issue and it did cause some problems, so maybe this will help? Basically, the organization I worked for had a specific WFM policy in their handbook that specified that you had to work at the org for X number of months and then negotiate a WFM arrangement with your manager.

      Easy, right? Well, my manager hired someone who was allowed to work from home immediately, which violated our handbook policy, and our manager lied about it (as in, the rest of our small team wasn’t told this person had been given this permission, we never knew when she was going to be in the office or working from home, and the manager would baldly lie when asked where the employee was).

      Secondly, this manager refused to let anyone else work from home, with pretty vague reasons (as in, not “do X and Y and you can work from home OR X and Y is why you can’t work from home”, more like “well, not yet”).

      So, while there was a little resentment of the new employee, MOST of the resentment was directed towards horrible manager and her handling of the situation.

      I firmly believe if horrible manager had just been upfront with the rest of the staff, as in, Soandso will be working from home a few times a month, NBD, I don’t think anyone would have really cared about it.

      A lot of this is going to depend on how your manager handles it. However, I do think you can head off some issues by being upfront with your coworkers about when you’ll be at home versus at work and treating it like it’s not a big deal. You may also want to look at the employee handbook and just make sure that your WFM agreement isn’t actually violating a pre-existing policy.

      In the end, it actually turned out to be a positive thing because our manager was forced to allow other employees to WFM, because she was basically not enforcing the existing policy, so she didn’t really have a leg to stand on for refusing to let longer-term employees WFM who actually met the WFM policy criteria.

    4. Rookie Manager*

      It can be helpful to put ‘WFH’ in your calendar so people know if you are working or off for the day. It’s also helpful to block out time for projects if you plan not to answer emails etc during that time so your team can have reasonable expectations about getting in touch with you.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I think you should consider trying to restructure your role a bit. Is there a way you can take on all of the emails on the days you work from home? Even if phones aren’t a big part of your job, your team is still losing that bit of phone backup when you’re at home.

      1. ThatGirl*

        You may not see this considering it’s three days later but the other 4 people have been handling phones for a long time all on their own; while having me be backup is handy, I wasn’t hired because of that. In fact we don’t get a ton of phone calls. But it’s the digital outreach nobody had time for before. So I’m happy to be a backup and I don’t intend to work from home very often, but I was more wondering if someone in my team-mates’ role would be resentful. I’d certainly be glad to take more emails or CRM cases on days I work from home to help balance out the phones.

  28. Undecided*

    I’ve been given an opportunity for a great job that I know I’ll love (it’s my current job, but even better), but first I’d have to work FOR someone with a very different style and pace for two years until she retires. It almost seems worth it, but I don’t know that I’m up for agreeing to two years’ worth of soul-sucking agony to do it.

      1. JulieBulie*

        I’m guessing it has something to do with the “different style and pace.” If that really sounds like soul-sucking agony, two years is probably going to be too long.

        And sometimes people end up not retiring when they say they will… that’s come up on this site a few times.

        Personally, I would not count on ANY deal remaining viable for two years. Something unexpected is likely to happen during that time. But Undecided knows more about the situation than I do.

        1. Undecided*

          Right! Great points. Something unexpected would almost certainly happen in the course of two years. hmm.

    3. Gina Linetti*

      Remember, things might change. In a year, she could decide it’s time to retire now! But she could decide that there’s no way she’s retiring in two years, and extend it out even further.

      But, I mean, I wouldn’t sign up for two years of agony, even if I had a written guarantee it would only be two years.

      1. Undecided*

        This really helps too, thanks! I am being offered a contract and it is being described as a “firm retirement date”, but there is absolutely no way to unravel things once this is a “go”, so there is really no way to hold people accountable (I’m much more interested in job security than a contractual severance payout).

        It feels like it has to be a no, but convincing the other involved parties will be really difficult.

  29. anycat*

    i just wanted to give a quick shout out to those who encouraged me last week to accept the chocolate teapot analyst position on my team. i did.. and was rewarded with a 16% raise! i was told by many of our high level managers in my department that i earned and have worked hard for it. things with my current manager are a little strange.. but we will get through it.

    again – thank you all!

  30. Geillis D.*

    It’s my last full week in a job I’ve held for the last four years and have been actively trying to leave for the last two. I was offered my goal job at what looks like a fantastic new place, and today we’re having my farewell lunch.
    After all my kvetching, bitching and moaning, being underpaid, under-appreciated and at my lowest point being excluded from the office clique, it’s still been my first job in my new career, I’ve met some truly lovely people along the way, and saying goodbye is bittersweet. I can’t wait to start the new job in September, though (although reading here has made me slightly paranoid about being a Good Morning Purist, that person with the annoying food habits, or anything else that may rub my new coworkers the wrong way).

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      “After all my kvetching, bitching and moaning, being underpaid, under-appreciated and at my lowest point being excluded from the office clique, it’s still been my first job in my new career, I’ve met some truly lovely people along the way, and saying goodbye is bittersweet.”

      My exact same sentiment.
      Congrats. And cheers!!!

      1. Geillis D.*

        Thank you, fellow accountant!
        I’ve read your post above and I’m shaking my head. It’s been a rough road changing careers and earning my CPA in my 40’s, exhausting and humbling.. I finally feel like I’m about to reap a few rewards after all the frustrations.

        Keeping you in the light, and please find the time for some quiet reflection and self-care.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          I hear you on exhausting and humbling although it’s sad to see that other companies are like this too (underpaid, cliquey etc).

          1. Geillis D.*

            Sadly, many employers see employees as disposable – minions who should thank their lucky stars they have a paying job.
            Once I got past the point of “newbie who has to be coached and is at the mercy of anyone who deigns to teach her”, and realized that I am valuable, my skills are actually ones that employers make an effort to acquire, and work shouldn’t feel like purgatory, things got better. From my (non-accountant) husband’s experience, his first job was soul-sucking to the point of actual damage to his health, the next job was much better, and the job after that was (and still is) wonderful.

  31. i2c2*

    Minor venting, but also looking for a script:

    I help with a biweekly lunch and my role involves setting up food for a meeting and then standing in the elevator lobby on the same floor as the meeting room and swiping in people who don’t have badge access to the floor.

    EVERYBODY who works on the floor has something to say when they see me standing by the badge access. Usually it’s a well-meaning “oh, do you need to be let in?” Which is frustrating to hear over and over, but I just cheerfully respond, “Nope, just letting people in from [OtherDepartment].”

    But. There is one gentleman who must have seen me there a few times who one day says, “Wow, you really like standing in that corner!”

    …? As it happens, I don’t particularly like standing in that corner, mostly because of comments like that one, but it is my job, which is why I am there. I gave him my best smile, said, “Well, I’m here to let people in from OtherDepartment for a meeting. The badge access is here, so I’m here!”

    Now every time dude sees me, he acts like we have a private joke about how much I love that corner. He saw me on the elevator headed home and was like, “Wow, you’re not in the corner!”

    Indeed, a great perk of my job is that at the end of the day, I am allowed to go home.

    Recently he came in as I was setting up the meeting and acted like it was astounding that I was in the meeting room and had brought *food*. He even offered “constructive criticism” on the sandwich presentation. (Yes, that sandwich probably will get dry without a wrapper. No, I don’t know why the caterer wrapped the other sandwiches but not that one.)

    I think he means well and thinks he is being friendly, but it is frustrating that this person is so astounded and amused by my job. Has he never met an admin before?

    What would you say to this person?

    1. Murphy*

      Nothing. I’d probably let it go. I wouldn’t ignore him, but I’d probably be less friendly in my responses to his repeated comments.

      1. Shayland*

        If this was me I don’t think I could let it go. At least with the corner comments. I think I’d just say something like, “Hey, standing in the corner to let people in from [OtherDeparement] is a really small part of my job and it makes me feel weird that you keep mentioning it. I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop bringing it up.”

        It’s really hard to come up with a script that doesn’t seem mean. But it’s such a weird, unhappy thing. I can see why OP is bothered by it.

        1. Murphy*

          Oh I totally get why they’re bothered. I would be too. I’m personally pretty nonconfrontational, so I’d just start giving one word or non-verbal responses like “Yeah” “Mmhm” and hope that they get the hint.

          1. Shayland*

            I’m just totally the person to not pick up on hints. I’m also working really hard to not feel confronted when people stop hinting.

    2. Random*

      You’re overreacting and making things up in your head. Doubtful he’s thinking “what a weird admin!! I didn’t know they stood in corners. I MUST point this out every time I see this person!!!”

      1. Junior Dev*

        That’s rude. It’s possible to disagree with someone’s interpretation of events without invalidating them.

      2. Morning Glory*

        It’s not about whether he thinks she is weird though – it’s about how to handle an annoying colleague making constant comments about your job when he is most likely senior to you.

    3. Not a Real Giraffe*

      There’s a guy in my office who once joked with me about our supply of bubble wrap, and now it’s like the only thing he can talk to me about is bubble wrap. Some people are just awkward small-talk-makers. It’s not a slight against you; it’s just the only thing they know they have in common with you is that one time that they made a joke and you responded to it. I’d let it go, respond with a smile, and continue about your business. The less you react to it, the less he’ll continue to bring it up.

      1. The Queen of Cans & Jars*

        +1 I immediately thought that he’s the kind of person who feels obligated to make conversation when there’s no real need and ends up grabbing for something awkward.

    4. Junior Dev*

      Are you a younger woman by chance? This guy reminds me of every annoying older dude who is overly friendly with younger ladies, not necessarily in a sexual way but in a way that implies he feels entitled to your time and attention.

      2. Go Away*

        …he feels entitled to your time and attention. I think you hit the nail on the head here! I’m a young, female admin and have experienced this many times.

    5. Liz2*

      The wry smile and a quick nod is enough of a brush off at this point. I love people who have opinions on table and event set up which is my job. (And by love I mean get annoyed by cause they just waste my time in their need to feel useful).

      1. zora*

        Yeah, the nod and zero reaction. This guy just sounds like one of those awkward people who think they are super funny when they tell the same joke over and over. I just nod, half-smile and ignore, or maybe a non-committal “uh huh” and then move on, so try to keep the interaction as short as possible. And try to cultivate my inner sympathetic person (which is not my default), just to feel sorry for this person for having such a stunted sense of humor. In the case that it’s someone who is even a little more mean-spirited about it, I crank up the pity in my head with a “wow, Person must be unhappy with their life to focus on the negative all the time”. But this guy sounds more clueless, so I just try to do an inner eye roll and focus on something else.

        I totally get it, though!! I know it’s easy to be super annoyed, but the only person that’s hurting is you, because he doesn’t get it! So, just think of it as being nice to yourself by moving on and letting it go. With practice it gets easier, I promise!!

    6. Joielle*

      Oh god, that sounds so irritating. I have a sort-of-similar thing happening with a guy who works at the little hardware store right by my house. I walk past it every day since it’s right by my bus stop, and go in there all the time to get stuff for our ongoing renovations, and this guy is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS has to interrupt whatever I’m doing to say hi and comment on how often he sees me. I feel rude blowing him off because ultimately, what’s the harm in spending 30 seconds talking to him? But it just bothers me that he feels entitled to take up my time with this inane conversation day after day. Fairly often I’ll be on the phone or wearing headphones as I walk in, and he’ll still say hi louder and louder until I pay attention to him. I’m sure he’s just trying to be friendly but it drives me up a wall.

      ANYWAYS, sorry about this only-tangentially-related rant, but I 100% commiserate with you. I try to go with the bare minimum of politeness but as you can tell, it’s not really working. Some people just won’t take a hint.

    7. A.N.O.N.*

      Any chance you can shorten your responses to him? For example, if he says “you’re not standing in the corner?!” you could give him a quick smile and nod, then go back to what you’re doing. The shorter the interaction, the more he might get the hint that you’d rather be left alone.

    8. Lurker who knits*

      Ugh, so annoying. I think you’re in a bit of a bind because it sounds like this person is senior to you. I agree with other posters- the less interaction the better. Don’t leave room in your responses for a dialogue.

      When I’ve encountered this, I use toddler-conversation-mode (no slam on toddlers because they are still learning to talk) and repeat back what they just said (“Yes, that sandwich is going to dry out”). Thinking about toddlers helps me keep a cheerful tone of voice. It seems to work well.

  32. CatCat*

    This week was my one year anniversary at my current job. I’ve been overall quite happy at this job. I had a very positive annual performance review and will be receiving a merit raise. Life is good.

  33. TSG*

    I think I got a bit of a bait and switch at my new job and not sure how to proceed…

    The company covers all the premium insurance costs for employees, which was a huge deal for me when I got my offer. I ended up settling for the low end of my range because I wouldn’t be paying for health care each month and it almost evened out.

    I worked with a recruiter and told her that the 90-day waiting period for getting signed on to the healthcare plan here, however, would be an issue for me and wondered if there was anyway around it. She came back and said that I could sign on as part of the company’s management company and get insured in 30 days instead and then switch to the actual company at 90 days, which I said would work.

    Offer letter was vague, which is where I think I screwed myself. It just says that I follow all the standards of the employee handbook except I get 30-day wait for insurance under XX company instead.

    So I go to fill out the paperwork for my insurance when I start and it turns out that there’s $250+ costs a month for their health coverage. I then asked my new boss if I was still switching to the actual company for health care at 90 days and he claimed that wasn’t what was happening, that they chose on their own to have me sign up as an employee of the managing company for budgetary reasons and that I’m actually just an employee of Company X, but do all my work and follow all the other rules of company Y. This was never presented to me before and Company X was never even mentioned until I said I had a problem going three months without health insurance

    I’m really upset, it’s going to cost me more than $3,000 a year in health costs I was told originally would be covered when I accepted the lower end of my salary request. They knew I was interviewing at other companies that would offer more and really jumped through hoops to get me to accept, so I didn’t even think to ask if the other company insurance coverage would be the same, and I feel really foolish now.

    My recruiter agreed to talk to me to help me work out what happened, but I honestly feel a bit tricked. No one told me this would be happening this way, and in many ways I know that’s my fault because I didn’t ask, but I feel very mislead that I was repeatedly told about them covering all health premiums, even after I was told about the 30-day switch. But all I have in writing is my offer letter saying I was signing up under company X insurance, I’ve already turned down my other job interviews, left my old company and started here this week.

    Is there any tactful way to approach this with my boss? I don’t want to start things off on a bad foot here, and they did raise the salary they wanted to offer in order to meet my minimum, but that few thousand dollars is actually going to make a big difference to me and I would not have accepted this role at this salary if I knew that was coming.

    1. lisalee*

      I would act like this is all a misunderstanding (even though I agree that it seems pretty deliberate) and approach it that way to start with. Maybe something like “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but during the hiring process I was told I would be on X insurance plan that the company covered. It was a big part of me taking this job. I was not told I would be hired as an employee of Company Y, and that effectively reduces my pay by $X. How can we work this out?”

      If that doesn’t get you a good response I think this is something you could approach HR about. FWIW, the whole “working for one company but really for another” thing seems super fishy to me.

    2. CatCat*

      I’d just frame it as a misunderstanding. Frame it that way in your mind, rather than getting upset, because that may be what it actually is. Misunderstandings can hopefully be corrected.

      “I think there’s been a mix-up on the insurance benefits the company and I agreed on. When Recruiter and I talked, we agreed I could get insurance X after 30 days and then after 90 days, switch to insurance Y with the company covering all the premiums. How can we get this mix-up corrected?”

      If he digs in and says there’s nothing he can do…

      “Hmmm… I negotiated to be able to get insurance Y after 90 days with insurance X being a stopgap between days 30 and 90. Should we loop in Recruiter and discuss? I’d like to get this cleared up because insurance Y was a deciding factor for me in accepting this position.”

      If they say no, I’d just start looking for a new position and leave this one off your resume. It sounds like you had prospects before you accepted.

      But give the company a chance to correct. It seems like the recruiter should be able to clear this up!

      1. Academic Librarian*

        I had something similar. I received my job offer. The University said they would cover my moving expenses. They said that they move people from all over the world and have a whole department that just works with transplants. No problem. Here is your contact and her number. Except she was NEVER available in the time frame. I got the paperwork. Used their mover. The move exceeded what they considered reasonable. I was going to have to eat $6,000. When I arrived, I expressed my dismay to my supervisor that I would have negotiated for more salary if I knew there was going to be an issue with the expense. The next day it was all taken care of and a check was cut to the moving company.

  34. EddieSherbert*

    I just want to throw out a good vibe story with my very accommodating workplace:

    Long story short, I have two close relatives battling different forms on cancer, and now the spouse of one of the cancer patients needs a pacemaker and we’re figuring how when/how to get that done…

    So we basically have three people in the family that need individual “helpers” daily to drive them to appts and general help because they’re all constantly exhausted. Ad it’s beyond a struggle to coordinate schedules and for everyone taking off of work.

    And my office very very generously agreed to let me work from home a couple days next week as a “trial run” for staying with the cancer/pacemaker couple and helping when someone else takes the one relative to chemo. And if it goes well, they’ll let me do that a couple days a week as needed.

    And that’s just so darn nice because we all know I likely won’t be working as efficiently as normal in that situation – I’ll try my hardest but realistically, I probably won’t be at my normal level.

    I’m just so grateful!

    1. Vancouver Reader*

      That’s awesome! I love hearing stories about companies that value their workers. Thanks for sharing!

  35. Nan*

    Minor annoyances – say something or let it go? and how do you feel about these items?

    Email stationary. Looks unprofessional to me. This one I had to tell my employee to turn it off, because corporate doesn’t want us to use it. But I personally can’t stand it.

    Time – We work across multiple time zones, so when leaving messages we’ll typically indicate where we are. “I’ll be here today until 3 Central” One of my employees always says Central Standard Time. Except right now, it’s summer, so we’re in Daylight Time. Do people notice this? Do I need to correct him? Or is it just a personal issue for me? I can’t always remember if we’re Daylight or Standard, so I just go with Central Time.

    1. Yorick*

      Don’t correct him, unless he’s an hour off. He just doesn’t realize that it changes from CST to CDT.

    2. Teapot Librarian*

      I assume that you would know this if it were the case, but in a few states where they don’t do daylight savings time, specifying “standard” in the time zone is a meaningful distinction.

    3. i2c2*

      People saying Standard Time when it should be Daylight Time drives me absolutely bonkers, but it seems to be pretty common. The one time it presents a practical issue is if you are scheduling things internationally right around the time change, as some countries don’t change clocks or change them a couple weeks earlier or later than the US. Otherwise I personally cringe and ignore it.

      I know some people find it harder to read text on email stationery, myself included, so there’s an accessibility argument for asking people not to use it.

      1. Not a Real Giraffe*

        It drives me bonkers, too, but I think a surprising number of people don’t know the difference between CST and CDT.

        If Nan feels so inclined, I think sending the CST/CDT offender a quick separate note that says, “fyi, we’re observing Central Daylight Time right now, just in case it confuses people!” would be fine.

    4. TSG*

      Actually, I probably would correct him – some states don’t follow Daylight Saving Time so depending on where you are/where other employees/clients/etc are, some people may be paying attention to that. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, just saying “Oh, I noticed you put CST but reminder we’re in CDT until Nov. 5.”

      Idk I know I had a client in Arizona once who was really picky about exactly what times we meant when we planned things because they were an hour “off” from the rest of their time zone so they were really cognizant of it, but if you don’t think other people are getting confused it can probably be left alone. But if there’s a chance it could cause a problem with time confusion, I’d say something.

      1. Nan*

        yes! AZ confuses me. Now and again, I need to schedule a call between me, NC, and AZ. And I truly have no idea what the heck time it is in AZ. I just ask Google :)

    5. Spoliokus*

      Ooh, I am definitely guilty of this. Honestly, I didn’t even think about the fact that there was a difference. I live in Europe, but I coordinate my schedule with people on the east coast of the US, and I always says EST. I always learn something new when I come here!

    7. Princess Carolyn*

      The CST/CDT thing drives me up the wall! In most cases, I would leave it alone. The only exceptions I can think of would be if this were being communicated somewhere very officially and publicly, like on marketing collateral or if you were entering it into some kind of system/program that would interpret it literally. Basically, correct him if you think there’s a reasonable chance that it will be confusing and cause a problem.

    8. Phoenix Programmer*

      One of mine would be radios in open office plan. For the love of sanity have you heard of this new fangled contraption called head phones? Of course I don’t say anything because no one wants to be the office curmudgeon.

    9. Misteroid*

      I work with clients across the US and in states that don’t observe daylight savings time, and I didn’t even realize that there was a distinction between CST and CDT! (I just note them as “Arizona time”, etc.) Your employee probably doesn’t either!

      1. Kage*

        I can never remember which one is which. Nor do I really feel that I need to/that it’s worth the brain-space. So I always just say the zone (i.e. “I’m free at 11am Pacific” or “Let’s discuss at 3pm Eastern”). While more letters, at least it saves me the time of having to look up/providing the wrong abbreviation. But I also don’t work with folks in AZ and have no idea how I’d handle it then for them (maybe “call me at 10am Arizona”?)…

  36. Fabulous*

    Finally transitioned back under my previous manager, after spending the last 6ish months in another department covering a maternity leave. After talking with her yesterday, I’m excited to be back. I’ve been severely lacking structure in my day-to-day activities and have been SO bored most days (and spending far too much time on here!) so we’re going to try and get me back up and running with goals and daily/weekly tasks, like we had been hoping to establish before I transitioned into coverage. When I was hired last October, a brand new role was created for me (I started as a coverage temp in May ’16) and she said she’s FINALLY going to make me a job description too!

    This change really couldn’t have come soon enough… I’ve been getting antsy to move on already because of all the inaction. I hadn’t gotten ANY feedback from my interim manager, hadn’t had a mid-year review or my annual review either, and the fiscal year ended July 1st. At least my COL raise apparently took into effect this paycheck. It’s only $0.28 more per hour, but at least it’s something.

    This has been a tough year so far… But at least the LASIK went alright, as an update to last week’s post. My eyesight is still incredibly blurry when I look with only one eye at a time, but I supposedly am seeing 20/20 together. Which is saying a lot, since before I could barely see the alarm clock time when it was a foot from my face!

  37. Red*

    So here’s a thing. I went back to my old coping mechanism of self harm a few days ago. I have some mental health appointments set up, so it’s whatever. My problem is that my work uniform is short sleeved. I have everything bandaged, of course, but I don’t know what to say when people ask about the bandages. What would you prefer, if you were my colleague?

    1. T*

      Sorry you are going through this! I was in a similar position a few years ago and am glad you’re seeking treatment.

      When I had to explain bandages and didn’t want to say what it actually was, my default was to say I bumped my arms taking a tray out of the oven and got some minor burns I wanted to keep covered while they healed. In my experience, being too vague allowed people to come to the actual conclusion, but an accidental burn was easy enough to believe and removed enough from the actual situation that people didn’t seem as quick to make other assumptions.

      1. Not a Real Giraffe*

        Or reference a vague rash.

        Sorry you’re going through this, Red, but glad to hear you’re seeking help!

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          A rash is a good excuse. No one wants to hear about your rash, so they most likely won’t question it. And a rash can last a good long time.

      2. Red*

        Oh, definitely not. I do not intend to be honest with that this is, I’m mostly just looking for a way to shut down questions politely, I think

    3. Friday*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this and very glad to hear you have some doctor appointments coming up to help you out. For the uniform, are long sleeve undershirts allowed?

      1. Red*

        Probably, but it would raise just as many eyebrows because nobody does that. Idk though, maybe that could be the solution… All of this is made really difficult by the fact that I suck at lying.

    4. Nan*

      I’m sorry things slid backwards for you, but am glad you’re getting some help.

      I guess it depends on the question and how well you know the coworker and what info you want to give up.

      If someone just says “oh, are you ok? that looks painful” or something along those lines, you can say “yeah, I’m ok” or “Yeah, I’ll be ok, thanks” and kind of leave it there.

      If someone says “ow! what happened?’ it would depend on the coworker who asked me. Anything from “it’s personal, but I’ll be ok” to “you know I was having troubles, and things slid backwards a bit”

      1. JaneB*

        Sorry you’re going through this, glad you have access to help.

        As an alternative to burns (depending on extent/placement of bandages that might not be a convincing explanation) what about an encounter with a rose plant/brambles/briars? I often end up with a lot of plasters/bandages on my arms from helping out with gardening or tripping into a plant…

        1. who?*

          That’s what I was going to suggest – say you did some yardwork and had a run-in with a prickly bush.

    5. Rat in the Sugar*

      “Cat scratches” or “walked through thorny bushes” or “burned myself in the kitchen” will all work; saying it with a smile and adding something like “it’s already starting to heal up” or “it doesn’t hurt at all now” will get the message across that it’s not a big deal and you don’t need people fussing over it. This will work for small scars too, if you have those as well–“That? Cat scratches, I think. They’re super old, though, I can barely remember now”.

      Good luck with your appointments.

    6. MsM*

      “Minor incident. I’m fine. Kinda wish I had a cool story, though. Got any ideas?”

      Distraction is your friend sometimes. (Plus, if someone gives you a good answer, you can use that on the next person.)

      2. zora*

        Alternatively, you can think up some general questions to ask people.
        Then when they ask, you can just say “Oh, that, it’s nothing. So, any updates on the TPS Reports?” Or “How was your weekend?” Or whatever. Just distractions to get them talking about themselves and change the subject. I have trouble thinking of questions in the moment, so I would literally sit down and make a list so I could think of one when I need it.

    7. The Queen of Cans & Jars*

      Poison ivy is also a good excuse to use since it’s summer! Or is it possible to wear a long-sleeved shirt under your uniform shirt & avoid it entirely? Not sure what’s allowed at your job.

    8. NaoNao*

      Maybe focus on their concern and skip to the “Oh, it’s healing up nicely, thanks!” or “Oh, I’ll be fine. You know how it goes.” and then topic change or warm smile/quickly get busy.

      Lots of times if you address the underlying concern or emotion (which I assume is care/concern) than the person will be satisfied.

      If it’s curiosity, that’s harder. Maybe something ultra-vague like “Oh, I hurt myself the other day. Happens to us all!” I mean, it’s 100% true! But sneaky you, you didn’t answer the question and no one is the wiser :)

    10. boris*

      Can you wear a thin long-sleeve shirt underneath and say you’ve had an eczema flare-up or something?

    12. oranges & lemons*

      I think I would just say that it’s a skin condition if anyone asks–not so vague that it’s going to make people curious, but most people won’t ask any questions. If they do, you could just say “you don’t want to know!” Plus it has the benefit of an indefinite timeline.

      For what it’s worth, I scraped up my legs while doing yardwork recently and had a bunch of prominent bandages and the only people who asked about it were close friends.

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m so sorry. Can you wear an ace bandage? Say you fell off your bike. No one questions that.

  38. AnonToday*

    I am at bitch eating crackers mode with someone at work. It’s a whole combination of issues which are social rather than work. I’m already avoiding being one on one with them. I walk away when they start to annoy me but they have a habit of standing next to my desk and talking to me/my desk mate. I ignore whenever possible but I fear I’m starting to come across as rude. They appear hurt when I behave this way.

    1. Random*

      Oh I feel you right now. I have an annoying as piss coworker. Every email and question she asks annoys me. I just have to remember that she is a person and I have to be nice.

  39. Zephyrine*

    I need advice/sympathetic horror/head pats, y’all. I’m presenting at a medical conference in September and the trip is paid for by my medical school. Great! HOWEVER. I will be sharing a hotel room with three complete strangers. Even worse, since I’ve never seen a hotel room with more than two beds, I will most likely be SHARING A BED with a complete stranger. Gahhhhhhhhhh. I’m very introverted and this is basically my idea of sheer hell.

    Survival tips, anyone? I guess I could pay out of pocket for my own room if any are available, but I really don’t want to come off as high-maintenance or snotty (also, I’m a poor med student).

    1. K*

      Sharing a bed with a stranger is weird. Get your own room, or if you really can’t afford it, I guess you could build a pillow fort down the middle of the bed?

      1. Zephyrine*

        I’ve been in hotels that will bring a cot in, but two cots? I don’t know about that. Maybe if there’s a pullout couch and a cot…I sure hope so.

    3. k.k*

      Some hotel rooms have pullout couches, or can provide you with a rollaway bed. Find out ahead of time if these are available. I want to assume that this is what was planned. Sharing a hotel room with a strange is bad enough, but it happens. Being expected to share a BED?! That’s beyond unreasonable.

    4. Ihmmy*

      a lot of the rooms that are made to fit 3 separate adults have a pullout couch, or you can request a cot after you check in if there’s no pullout couch

    5. CatCat*

      Nooooooooooope.

      Make arrangements for a rollaway bed with the hotel. If none is available, order a cheap air mattress online and have it shipped to the hotel and pick it up when you get there.

    6. Spoliokus*

      Rent a room on airbnb. It will be cheaper than a hotel and you’ll have your own space. My employer would only reimburse for the price of half of a hotel room when we went to conferences, but that’s usually more than enough to cover a private room in an airbnb.

    7. Menacia*

      Can you get any more information about the accommodations? I don’t see it as high maintenance wanting a room by yourself at all, and in fact, would absolutely insist on it as I would need my own space to decompress after a full day.

    8. Book Lover*

      You can also see if there are any alumni in the area willing to host you, though that would mean needing transport to and from meeting.

    9. Rusty Shackelford*

      If you already know what hotel you’re staying at, investigate the rooms. As others have said, there’s often a sofabed that would bring the total number of beds to three, and/or you can ask for a rollaway bed. Tell anyone who asks that you kick in your sleep and wouldn’t want to subject anyone else to that.

    10. who?*

      Most hotels offer a roll-away bed of some kind. Definitely call them ahead of time to make arrangements. If they don’t provide anything like that personally I would go to my manager about it. It’s 100% unreasonable to expect strangers to share a bed.

    12. Canuck*

      Sharing a room is oddly common for medical students when they get sent to conferences. Not really sure why that is…. but typically, they won’t expect you to share a bed. If there are 3 in the room, the hotel is usually able to put you in a room with 2 beds + a cot. If you can, just contact the hotel now and request it.

      Once you are through medical school and residency, this will definitely not be a problem for you anymore :)

    13. Anon for discussion of my undewear*

      Based on academic experience, your chances of getting your school to pay for it are very low – if you make a fuss, and don’t have a really strong medical need, the response will be that you don’t have to go to the conference if you don’t want to. I don’t think it would be demanding to be ask to pay to upgrade to a single room, because the four-a-room concept is almost always based on money. If it won’t cost them extra, they likely won’t care. Just do it fast, before the hotel fills up.

      Options – upgrade at your own cost, offer to take care of your own accommodation and stay at a cheaper place (conference hotels are often pretty pricey), try for a cot (keeping in mind that the hotel will have a limited number, so they’re likely to run out fast, as you won’t be the only four-a-room situation), bring a sleeping bag and inflatable mattress and sleep on the floor.

      I’ve personally slept on the floor in similar circumstances. I’m more comfortable on the floor with a sleeping bag and thermarest than I am with sharing a bed with anyone but my husband.

      Other coping techniques – take long baths in the evening (after warning your roommates, so they can use the toilet first if needed). Check out nearby parks, or cafes, or public libraries, so you have somewhere you can retreat to if you need a bit of quiet. Make sure to bring earplugs and a face mask, and remember to pack pyjamas that cover you even when sleeping (I use shorts and a long tank top).

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Sometimes it can be one bed with 2 separate duvets, but this may only be a European thing. Not that it makes it any better.

  40. Looking for short term work*

    Does anyone have any tips on finding a temporary part time job? I”m looking at going back to school (full time) in about 6 months, but I currently have a part time (20 hours/week, evenings) job that I really enjoy, and would prefer to work around. I also don’t really want to work retail/food service, or anything that would require me to be on my feet most of the time. Would it make sense to apply to part time, non temporary jobs that don’t seem to require much getting up to speed? Most of the temp jobs I’m finding are full time. I probably wouldn’t list this on my resume, if that helps.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Your student employment office might be able to place you somewhere. I used to do two-hour shifts at the school bookstore in between classes.

  41. Academic Librarian*

    Team building that doesn’t involve food?
    My state agency historically has done its office socialization through potlucks, but in recent years, people’s food allergies and personal issues related to food/eating have made the potlucks not as popular. As a result, people don’t know each other across units and I’m noting an increase in trust issues. As a state agency, we can’t spend company money on events. I’m seeking other informal ways to get people together.

    1. Lindsey*

      I like doing “power hours” (sometimes called “guilt hours”) where the team books a conference room to co-work on the annoying stuff that you keep putting off (this only works if you have laptops). It’s still work-related but feels more social.

      Otherwise, I like having scheduled walk breaks with co-workers – taking 30 minutes once a month or so to get out of the office and take a walk. Discussion can be work-related or not!

    2. Not a Real Giraffe*

      My old job had a sort of social committee that created events like this. Most did involve food (potlucks, cookie baking competitions around the holidays, etc.) but we also organized a lot of non-food events that utilized our conference room: trivia nights (either at the end of the work day or during the general lunch hour) in which one staff member would serve as the Trivia Master while other staff formed teams of 3-4 to answer questions, group viewings of the World Cup or other major sporting events on our conference room screen, and memorably, Office Olympics around the time of the 2014 winter games in Sochi.

    5. Nanc*

      What about brown bag lunches with guest speakers? Employees could speak about a hobby (as volunteers, not voluntolds) or maybe find local folks to come in and give talks about items of interest. If the guest speaks for 20-30 minutes and the rest is discussion/Q&A it at lease gives folks a chance to interact.

    6. Passing Through*

      We recently had a staff event with a football tailgating theme. Like you, we can’t spend agency funds on food, but our board members all contributed funds to bring in lunch. You could make the lunch part a brown bag and ask people to bring their lunch to a common area to eat with co-workers. We encouraged people to wear their team colors and not to sit with their departments so they would talk with people they didn’t know well. After lunch we had some trivia games and someone brought a cornhole game. I didn’t think anyone would play, but they did and had a lot of fun. We also had a few door prizes as an incentive to attend and stick around. The door prizes were donated things like logo merchandise from a local bank, skincare samples from local salespeople, and our boss donated a few restaurant gift cards. The sports theme went over well with our group, but you could do something similar with a picnic or holiday theme.

    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      Brown-bag lunches with some kind of entertainment – board games, trivia contests, movies, etc.

    8. Candy*

      My company has a Brown Bag meeting once a month from noon -1pm. The format is a sort of “lightning talk” style — each speaker has five minutes to present plus time for questions and discussion. Staff can talk about anything that’s loosely work-related — professional travels, something they’ve presented recently, projects, events, successes, failures, etc. You bring your own lunch and it’s 100% optional to show up and to present, but lately the speakers have been really going out of their way to be funny and interesting so a lot of people have been going.

  42. Lindsey*

    I have an admin who is being phased out of their position, because it has grown into more of an analyst position. She was given two months to wrap up her work and find another position. She was notified about two weeks ago. We meet about 3x a week (I’m not her boss) and EVERY single call, she makes a comment that says “Oh, I don’t even need to be here, I don’t care what’s happening since I won’t be around.”

    How would you respond to this?

    1. K*

      Given that you no longer care about your work here, it doesn’t make sense to keep you here for another six weeks. Let’s make Friday your last day.

      1. Lindsey*

        I’m not her boss, unfortunately! I’m a cow-worker at the receiving end (we work remotely). I can’t figure out how to not-awkwardly respond to it.

        (I want to say something, but I know it’s not my place to say how unprofessional it is).

    4. JulieBulie*

      Does she actually need to be on this call, and/or do you need her to be on the call? If so, remind her why, and let her boss know if she continues to complain.

      If there really is no need for her to be on the call, ask her boss if it makes sense for her to continue attending.

      1. MsM*

        +1. Or maybe see about scheduling a transition-specific call so you can officially offload whatever she’s still on the calls for, and take her out of the loop once that’s done?

    5. fposte*

      “Jane, why do you keep telling me this?” Asked with gentle, polite curiosity like you’re sure there’s an actionable reason you just haven’t grasped yet.

    6. Jbean*

      Ignore it. Unless there is information in these calls that directly relates to her wrapping up her work, she is probably right and just commenting on the situation.

    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      How would you respond to this?

      Sympathetically, because what’s happening to her really sucks.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      Well she’s right. Even though the role itself has shifted, she was given the message that she’s not good/talented/skilled enough for the fancy analyst part of the job she already has. Perhaps she could be a little less vocal about it, but she’s right to be upset.

  43. T3k*

    If it’s not me sucking at interviews, then it’s trying to even get one pinned down that’s even worse.

    To my surprise, I got moved ahead to the next phone interview where I’d be talking with the person who’d be my boss if I got this position. I was asked to give days I was available for this week, but I didn’t hear back by the middle of it so I politely messaged the recruiter if they needed times next week, but they came back with a time the next day that could work for the team lead. Great! Well, that time comes and goes with no call and as I have no phone number to reach either one (privacy reasons, these types of companies are known to keep a tight hold on communications to prevent unsolicited calls) I email the recruiter to let her know I didn’t hear from the team lead and if we could reschedule.

    So now I have take #2 set up early next week, but I’m starting to feel this is a lost cause. The one other time this happened to me where an interview got re-scheduled, I ended up not getting a chance because they decided to hire internally before my re-scheduled date.

  44. Teapot Librarian*

    Second question for the day: is it expected in your workplace that people will say hello in the morning or goodbye when they’re leaving? Not the aggressive way from a post earlier in the week, but more of a courtesy “hey, I’m heading out, see you tomorrow” or “good morning, just wanted to let you know that I’m here [so you’re not the only one in the building anymore] [since I’m a bit late]”? Two of my employees stop by my desk when they’re leaving, and if I’m leaving before anyone, I make a point to stop by their desks. My other employees don’t. Even to the person at the front desk. Is that normal?

    1. Kodak*

      Yes, it is common many people may just be in their own routine. Others may of been instructed to let others know when they leave the office. It may also depend on what type of roles they hold. If it is client focused, it makes sense to let the receptionist or others know you are leaving.

    2. k.k*

      Depends on the job. At my current position everyone works pretty independently, so it’s not really vital to know who else is there. Polite greetings are given if you happen to pass someone on your way, but don’t go out of your way for it. My last job was in customer service, and it was important to know who else was there and available to help customers. In that case you made sure to let everyone know when you arrived and left.

    3. LizB*

      People here generally say good morning to whoever they see on their way to their desk, but don’t go around finding other folks to say good morning to. On the leaving end, though, the last person out of our building has to lock up and set the alarm, so anyone who suspects they’re one of the last few people will make the rounds and let any other stragglers know they’re leaving.

    4. memyselfandi*

      The physical layout of where I work would make it seem awkward, but when it happens it makes me feel good.

    5. RabbitRabbit*

      Sometimes. People in my general ‘wing’ of the office will say hi/buy to whoever they’re passing, generally, but not necessarily make any effort to go out of their way. Some people don’t like to do the “hello hi hi good morning hi morning” routine and would rather settle in/leave, though.

    6. Menacia*

      I would not expect a hello or goodbye from my coworkers and they don’t expect one from me. If it’s convenient to do so, I do a general good morning/evening, but certainly don’t go out of my way to do so. I would not stress about what’s “normal” or not, we are all individuals so normal is very subjective.

    7. Teapot Librarian*

      Thanks all. Left out of my question was that Hoarder Employee and I are almost always the last people to leave the office. When I leave before him, I go (out of my way) to his office to let him know I’m leaving. When he leaves before me, he just leaves (my office is 10 feet from the front desk). I was mostly wondering if I was annoyed because of the dynamic between us in general (that is, that it’s normal not to say goodbye to coworkers) or because my office’s culture is out of whack with norms in this regard. It sounds like it’s the former.

      1. Sadsack*

        I wouldn’t go out of my way. I say goodbye and hello to whoever I see in my way through. I think you can just start doing that and no one will notice or be bothered by it.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      You say it to people you pass on your way out but not to everyone. I like it when the managers remember to tell me they’re going.

    9. Rusty Shackelford*

      Only if they need to know. For example, my admin or boss might need to know I’m leaving early. But we work independently, so Jane and Fergus have no reason to know or care whether I’m in the office.

    10. Julianne*

      During the school year, definitely not. However, we’re in back to school mode right now (people are in and out of the building on different schedules for meetings, PD, last minute interviews, classroom set up, etc.) and I’ve taken to texting or stopping in to check and see if my (very new) team members need anything before I leave each day.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Unless directed by the boss or told it’s an SOP, I don’t check in when leaving. I have seen places where you had to check in for fire safety reasons. However, if I know someone is depending on me to be there (because of the nature of our work OR because I said I would be there until x time) then I check in with that person before leaving.

      I do think it’s a nice courtesy if you know that very few people are left in the building, to just say “good night” to indicate you are leaving.

      With Hoarder you may have to tell him what your expectations are.

    12. Anon for discussion of my undewear*

      If my office mate looks up as I enter or leave for the day, I say hello/good-bye. If they don’t, I don’t disturb them. If I need to know if they’ve left for the day (and I should turn the A/C of as I leave), I can tell because their laptop is gone.

    13. only acting normal*

      Not expected.
      But I’m in an open plan office of several hundred people (yes it is as awful as it sounds) who all work flexible hours, if everyone said good morning and good evening to everyone literally no work would get done.

      So “the rules” seem to be:
      Say hi/bye to the people on your bank of desks (~6 people), and maybe to the rest of your team (~12 people) if you pass them on the way in/out.
      If you pass a known colleague walking along the corridor obviously arriving/leaving say hi/bye.
      If you pass a vaguely familiar face nod+smile.
      If you make accidental eye-contact with someone at a corridor-side desk pretend you’re on public tranport – *do not engage* – the poor buggers would never get any work done otherwise.
      People sat at desks dying for a distraction may engage someone walking past, but not the other way around.

  45. Dr. Johnny Fever*

    Had two interviews in the last two weeks with a pending callback for one. Rewrote the resume and reviewed by severance package. I get career coaching on interviews and resumes; I’m curious to use it and may have some interesting nuggets to share based on what they say vs. what Alison says.

    I’m grieving, pure and simple, yet trying to stay positive. I talked to my therapist and identified all the good things – I get paid for as long as a year, and can pursue some hobbies, volunteer, focus on what my career needs to be to fulfill me, take a class – lots of things.

    One thing that hurts: I’m turning over half my work to vendors, and it’s a little tough to manage that under our culture where usually vendors are released and FTEs are kept. I’ll get over it, but I’ve been a bit sensitive this week.

    1. Book Lover*

      I’m very sorry. I hope you will land on your feet. It sounds as though you have a good start with severance at least. And two interviews and a callback sound really positive.

  46. Manager*

    What do you think is going on with this:

    I applied for a position about a month ago and came in for an interview which seemed to go very well. I got a call from one of my references that they had called her. They didn’t call any others. A few days later the employer called me and said I didn’t get the job. I was polite and thanked them.

    Fast forward a week and a half later now and another one of my reference told me they called her yesterday for a reference check. Is it possible the first candidate backed out and I’m back in the running?

    1. Small but Fierce*

      That would be my guess. Maybe the first candidate got a counteroffer and decided to stay in her job at the last minute. Good luck!

    2. Student*

      Just keep applying to places until you actually get a job offer in hand. It’s really tempting and natural to look at this and take it as an encouraging sign. It may very well be a good sign. But it shouldn’t dictate what you’re doing; it’s not a direct communication with you. They turned you down once already. It’s not a job offer. It’s a vague hint; exactly the kind of thing you should ignore.

      If you find out later it’s good news, then that’s great and you’ll get clarification on what’s happening that you can act on. If nothing comes of it, you won’t have sat on your hands, gotten emotionally re-invested for nothing, or wasted more time fussing about them.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Don’t read anything into it. Keep searching.
      It’s possible they might have you in mind for something else… or not. Keep searching.

  47. Sugar of lead*

    So I got the axe, yet again, from a job I actually cared about. This bites. Side note: if you’re in your twenties and the longest you’ve ever kept a job is three months and eights, is there something wrong with you?
    I’m planning on getting some additional training before I apply to another professional job, and I’d also like to get an “interim” job, both so I don’t have a gap in my resume and to help pay the bills. Does anyone know of jobs that will hire immediately and don’t mind terribly if you leave after two months?

    2. Lindsey*

      Call centers or customer service are generally the two things that would be fine with.

      Are you getting let go because of performance or downsizing?

      1. Sugar of lead*

        Performance, or else I wouldn’t be sweating it. There’s a typo in the original post; it’s supposed to say three months and eight days, which is up from three months and three days at my last job.

        I’ll check out customer service in my area, thanks.

    3. PittsburghPA*

      Retail/ Sales or other jobs with high turnover often overlook job history. What field are you wanting to enter?

    4. Amber Rose*

      I once got an interim job with a company that does inventory counting for other companies. The interview was basically just a quick test of whether I could figure out their little scanning gun and count to 100, in a group with 50 other people. No references were called and my awful job history never came up.

        1. Amber Rose*

          WIS International. They don’t pay much, but as I recall it was more than minimum wage and the work wasn’t that difficult.

    5. zora*

      Try temp agencies!! I’ve often gotten 1-2 day coverage assignments within days of signing up with a temp agency. Also, the good agency recruiters will spend a little time talking with you about what you want to do and can give you advice on what trainings or skills would be most useful for you to get.

      You can sign up for multiple temp agencies at a time and increase your chances of getting work soon.

      Another option for quick work is catering. They often are looking for bodies, and are more interested in just starting people out and seeing how people do rather than trying to determine from an interview. And usually pay weekly.

    6. boris*

      I’m sorry to hear that. Why were you let go? Pure performance issue, bad fit in the job? I’d say if you’re regularly let go after a short period of time, something’s wrong but it doesn’t mean it’s with you: might just mean you’re struggling to get a job that you can excel at.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      Sorry to hear this. What’s the performance problem? Has it been the same each time?

      1. Sugar of lead*

        I’ll update you guys next Friday and tell the saga of why SOL can’t keep a job if you’re still curious.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      May I ask what the performance issue was?

      I’m in my 30s and recently hit 2 years at a job for the first time ever…and of course I was laid off soon after that. It’s just really really hard to get longevity anywhere, especially if you’re limited to small or new businesses for whatever reason.

  48. Hazel's Mom*

    Last week I landed my dream job! If it wasn’t for the advice/help from Alison and commenters here I would of been lost. Thanks everyone! :) I commonly refer other friends/family/Coworkers to this site. LIFESAVER!

  49. Junior Dev*

    There’s a creepy guy who owns the restaurant down the street from my office and every time I passed him on the sidewalk he tries to get me to talk to him or acknowledge him in a really patronizing, irritating way (telling me to smile etc). I am going to avoid walking on that particular corner for a while and hope be forgets about it but my work often goes to coffee together and walks right past his restaurant. I’m the only woman on my team except for the PM who often does not walk with us.

    It hasn’t been a problem when I walk with other people but I’m concerned he might escalate and my co-workers might not get why it bothers me, think I’m being mean by not being friendly to him, etc. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this?

    1. Not a Real Giraffe*

      Yes, all the time. This behavior is quite pervasive. I would continue to avoid him, or ignore him if you walk by him and he engages you in a way you do not like. If your coworkers comment on it, explain that he has made you uncomfortable in the past and you choose not to engage with him anymore.

    2. Small but Fierce*

      This happened with me and a barber shop, but it wasn’t the owner that did that. When my friend found out, she called pretending to be me (since I refused to) and filed a complaint. It never happened again. There’s obviously a different dynamic with him being the owner, but he might stop if he felt that he’d lose customers over it.

    3. MsM*

      I’m a fan of the exaggerated, super-creepy smile, complete with uncomfortable stare. They don’t tend to ask so much after that. Practice it in the mirror. It’s fun!

      As for your coworkers, I suspect they either won’t notice or will understand where you’re coming from (especially if they’re female). If they give you pushback, though, just say you’re not interested in interacting with the guy on a closer level, he’s not respecting that, and that’s all you want to say on the subject. Repeat the last bit as necessary.

      1. Junior Dev*

        None of them are female. That’s the problem, and why I’m concerned.

        Maybe I’m overly worried based on coming from a family where putting up with harassment was seen as some sort of moral imperative….

        1. Not a Real Giraffe*

          I honestly think none of your coworkers will notice, especially if you all are engaged in conversation as you are walking past the restaurant.

    4. R2D2*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! I’m guessing he will leave you alone if you’re walking with a group of your coworkers.

  50. Shrunken Hippo*

    I’ve been filling out lots of applications recently and many of them want the phone number of my previous workplaces. I’m hesitant to add them on because I have had instances before where they called those places without me telling them that they were references. I much prefer to leave phone numbers off until I’m at the stage of giving them references. Am I being too paranoid and unreasonable?
    I just really hare it when they call a place that I haven’t given a heads up to because I wasn’t planning on using them a reference (I prefer to check with my references and use a personal number as many of them are not near phones during work, and you know so they can be expecting a call). There’s also the added fact that my references are in a time zone that’s over 4 hours ahead so I like to confirm with interviewers that they noted the time difference before they call so it’s not a constant game of phone tag (and yes sadly this has happened before though I took it as a good sign that I would not want to work for someone who was that unorganized).

    1. JulieBulie*

      They should easily be able to find the phone number for most workplaces even if you don’t give it, unless it’s an unlisted private employer in a different field than the ones you’re applying to. So I don’t think leaving the numbers off is going to do you any good, but some employers might be annoyed with you for not providing requested information that’s pretty standard.

  51. a nonny moose*

    Are yearly salary adjustments (even if it’s just cost-of-living) normal for American office jobs, or was my old boss just generous? I’ve been under new management for about a year and there’s been dead silence on whether there’s any kind of plan in place for this, and I want to ask but I don’t want to ask if it’s going to make me look like an entitled whiner.

    I feel like this is the sort of thing I should know, but even though I’ve been here a while it was my first job and I think my perceptions are skewed.

    1. AMPG*

      I ask those things in interviews, honestly. I want to know a company understands that not giving at least a COLA yearly results in asking employees to take an effective pay cut. Since you’re there already, I’d start with your employee handbook, and if it doesn’t mention anything then just ask your supervisor in a very neutral way what the normal procedure is.

      1. a nonny moose*

        That’s part of the problem, sadly- no handbook, I’m nervous about asking my supervisor since they haven’t mentioned anything about eventual reviews, our HR is outsourced and in essence the company I interviewed with is not the company I am working for. Old procedure was that I would be told on the anniversary of my start date what to expect, but that’s not the case now and no one has mentioned a new normal.

        I don’t want to look whiny, and I’m lucky that my last raise was relatively close to the change so it hasn’t been too much more than a year. I love where I work but if I never have any possibility of a raise or advancement ever again, that’s not really ideal.

    2. Nan*

      It’s not for us. Ours are performance based, but we are reviewed yearly, and it goes with the review. So you if you haven’t been doing so great, you aren’t getting one, regardless of any COL changes.

      1. Nan*

        Adding in, it’s been that way in all 3 places I’ve worked since being an adult. No guaranteed raise/COL increase.

    3. Princess Carolyn*

      Well, my perception is that your boss was more generous than most. It’s going to vary a lot by industry and function, though. I know some people who’ve come to expect annual cost-of-living adjustments — and many companies even have written policies for them. Meanwhile, I’ve never received any kind of raise in the seven years I’ve been working, nor have I witnessed a co-worker getting a raise. My income has only increased through taking new jobs.

      So, yeah, I’d say normal but not necessarily standard.

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      My last company did not do COLAs and were very explicit about that policy. I didn’t stay there long enough to care!

  52. Hillia*

    My husband was recently promoted to supervisor of a production group in a small (<50 employees) company. This group was struggling mightily with both quality and production standards. He's already raised quality considerably, so now it's time to start looking at productivity. The group is currently at about 60% of desired production. I suggested a pizza party if they met production goals while maintaining quality, then raise the bar to 10% above the goal (or some similar idea). Apparently the former supervisor tried that, and was blasted by the manager for 'rewarding these *** for doing their jobs'. (quality of management is a whole other problem here).

    I'm having a hard time verbalizing why this is ridiculous, that rewarding employees for meeting a goal that is, yes, technically their job is not always a bad idea, especially in an area that has historically bad morale. Any suggestions?

    1. Not a Real Giraffe*

      I mean, they’re not motivated to do their jobs now, so he’s gotta do SOMETHING to motivate them to increase their production. Look if I’m the kind of worker that is happy to do the bare minimum to not get fired while taking home a paycheck every week, why would I put in more effort than necessary? I’m not sure a pizza party is the answer, but if I’d like to know how the manager expects your husband to increase production when the employees have no incentive to do so.

    2. Joielle*

      I think the idea of a reward for meeting goals is a good one, but I’m not sure about a pizza party in particular. It seems patronizing to suggest that a group of adults would be motivated enough to increase production by 40% for the promise of eating delivery pizza with their coworkers. In my experience, the only rewards that work are more money or more time off. Maybe additional development opportunities or something like that, but that might be hard to implement for a whole team.

      For the conversation with the manager, though, your husband could point out that when it comes down to it, you want them to do something they’re not doing. Clearly this team doesn’t have internal motivation to do it or it would be getting done… so you need to either find people who do have the internal motivation, or apply external motivation. It’s probably a lot cheaper to offer a reward for performance than fire a whole team and hire new people, so you might as well try that first.

      2. a nony mouse*

        Yeah, I am an adult and would happily do anything (within reason) to avoid eating delivery pizza with my coworkers. It’s something you reward your middle school class with.

    3. krysb*

      Here’s what we did to help raise production rates and lower error rates. We created a system where all employees have to set quarterly priorities. We heavily leaned on quality management and continuous improvement principles. I gathered the info regarding the rates using statistical analysis and displayed it to them, then we set goal rates that had to be achieved within that quarter (following quarters would have new rates). We mapped our processes to determine what could be removed or improved. We determined what employees utilized the best processes using data instead of intuition, and had them train the others on their processes. We also instituted check sheets so we could monitor the process and be able to see what errors were most common and figure out how to fix them.

      In the end, one year in, our production has increased 15% (and will probably stay where it is now, as there are very few ways to increase the current average due to client and machine parameters) and our errors have decreased from 4% to 0.59%.

      However, we didn’t really reward people. We made this a part of their jobs that had to be performed.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      1) These are people NOT ***.
      2) You are not rewarding them, you are thanking them for meeting a goal that management set for the company.
      3) A machine will work and work and work and still stay with the company, people, oth not so much. You can work them hard and then they leave if they feel unappreciated.
      4) Employers earn employee’s loyalty every day. Other employers who do say thanks will attract people away from this company.
      5) If management does not respect the people doing the work, chances are pretty high that the employees will not respect management either. When this happens, productivity tanks. Respect from management is not optional.

  53. Totally lost*

    For anyone who knows a program coding language, I am curious, how much of an expert do you have to be in coding for it to be useful? I would like to learn one as a supplemental skill, but I don’t ever see myself becoming a programmer.
    I know a little markup coding through html and css already, and that has been immediately useful to me, editing a web site – no need to be an expert before using. I do some amount of work with data and am considering learning SQL, but am not sure if it would be better for me to learn to use Tableau instead, which does not require any coding at all. Does anyone know how long you need to learn SQL before you can create anything worthwhile with it?

    1. Junior Dev*

      It really depends on the circumstances–i know my project manager will sometimes do SQL queries to look at data from our website. My friend who works as a manager for a tech support team taught herself some Python to create reports. Both of those are good languages to learn if you work with data; R is another good one. Do you have any specific things you’re trying to do?

      1. Junior Dev*

        Also, do you have access to a relational database? Do you know what the database engine is (PostGres, MySQL, SQL Server, Oracle, etc)?

      2. Totally lost*

        Thanks for your reply!
        I started thinking about this because my grandboss wanted me to create a web-based database from a bunch of qualitative data on a certain subject, that would be openly accessible to the public. I looked at a bunch of options online and got proposals from a vendor for customized work, but none of it was exactly what grandboss was looking for. I ended up creating something mediocre using Tableau Public, but I know that it could have been better if I had more knowledge. So now I am torn between trying to get more experience in Tableau (which is really best for quant data, from what I have heard), or in learning SQL. I do not currently have access to SQL Server, but if I could confidently say I could build something good in that, the price for a standard license would have been within budget. So I was thinking of trying to learn by downloading SQL Express which is free, and then maybe also online courses.

          1. Totally lost*

            For this specific project, it was a stored in a big excel doc. What they proposed was okay, but grandboss wanted this to be an attractive, searchable database, and what they proposed was more like a filter function. It could still do the job, but was less polished than he wanted.

            The vendor’s proposal would have been better than I what ended up doing, but they gave us a several month wait time and quoted us $14K. Budget would have been fine if it did what we wanted, but the wait time was not so fine.

            1. Junior Dev*

              Honestly, building a user-friendly web application is hard–especially with search and data analysis capacities–and I think that price sounds reasonable for what you’re describing.

              If it’s not in a relational database and you don’t have plans to put it in one for an application, I wouldn’t bother with SQL–use R or Python to parse the Excel files and create reports. You can probably find good tutorials online for this. A good free intro Python resource is “Learn Python the Hard Way”–though it can be dense at times, if you get confused by a section try looking up other tutorials and articles on that concept instead of assuming it’s something wrong with you. Codingbat and Project Euler are good reources to practice.

              I don’t know much about R so I won’t comment on how to learn it but I’m sure other commenters can suggest something.

            3. Troutwaxer*

              What you’re describing is entirely typical. You start with a site that’s a little primitive and then you tweak it until it does everything you need it to do. You can learn more SQL, or learn a programming language (I like Ruby for beginners) or dig deeper into Tableau, but the point here is that you make a continuous effort to improve the site and that gets you the important stuff.

              The big issue here is whether you want to more into some kind of programming/data job? If so, go with some SQL and a programming language – that will take you much further into the field. If you’re not interested in programming/data, just build your site with Tableau.

        2. Quirk*

          Trying some online courses and maybe getting a book and messing round seeing what you can create sounds like an excellent idea to me. I think if you can throw some time and effort at this you can probably produce something useful and learn a lot.

          And having enough SQL to be able to set up a small SQL database from scratch is definitely a useful skill. In smaller places it’ll mean you get pushed toward a bit of an IT role, but in bigger places you’ll possibly have a shot at those technical bridging roles where business meets IT. It depends on your field, but those can be very lucrative.

        3. Brett*

          For your specific use case, look at Socrata. They often times provide free or very cheap options for publicly accessible datasets.

        4. Troutwaxer*

          If money is an issue, you might consider an Open Source SQL database like Postgres, MariaDB, or Sqlite. Probably the easiest (not necessarily the best) way to get data from an Excel spreadsheet to a database is to turn the database into a set of Comma Separated Values, then import this into the database, turning strings back into numbers as appropriate.

    2. AndersonDarling*

      Not to put a downer on your plans, but you’ll need to learn to goofy Tableau calc field language to do anything complex. And I’m now learning SQL just so I can do some complex joins and unions for geocoding. I work in Tableau all day and I spend 50% of the time writing scripts.
      With all the languages, you pretty much learn the basics and as you are challenged, you learn more. I’d definitely suggest learning some basic SQL. It will serve as a base for anything else you learn.

      1. Totally lost*

        Not at all a damper, that is really useful information! I am at a point right now where I don’t know what I don’t know (this was something I was thrown into, not my main job) so this is helpful – thank you!

        1. AndersonDarling*

          I was having an “I don’t know what I need to know to get to the next level” issue. And the next week I got an email from my online university advertising an MS in Data Analytics. And I realized it was all the stuff I needed to know wrapped up in a bow! I know the feeling. Analytics is vast, but once you get on a path, it can become a narrow road. Good luck!

      2. Qestia*

        I also work in tableau most of the day and found knowing some SQL to be very helpful – and yes you will need to know some codespeak to make calculated fields. But to answer your questions – I know only the very little SQL I learned from google and it’s going just fine- based on what you write I’m sure you will be fine.

      3. Phoenix Programmer*

        I don’t know that I agree – sql and other relational database languages are structured very differently from other languages I know. I programmed in R, SAS, Matlab, and VBA before picking up SQL. I recently learned automation using CMD and BAT files and SQL was very different from all of those languages and took me the longest to learn. Unless you plan to work as an analyst or system administrator I do not see much point in learning SQL. Also if you do try learning SQL be sure to determine what SQL server software you are using first. Another challenging aspect of learning SQL is that the syntax changes significantly based on if you are using MySQL, Oracle, interactive, or some other tool.

        1. Zahra*

          Really, significantly? In the last 2 years, I’ve worked with BigQuery, MySQL, Access, and SQL Server. I haven’t found that syntax differs all that much. Wildcards are the most common difference (% or * are the usual options). Otherwise, pretty much anything you can do in a SQL flavor can be done in another one, maybe with a different function, but still. There are lots of resources online, so if you find that “LEFT” isn’t working for you, it’s easy to find out that “SUBSTR” is the substitute (and so on and so forth).

          Maybe other programming languages are more regimented and that’s why my expectations of “significant” is different from a programmer’s. Although… Regular Expressions (which I use frequently to analyze web data) are much more of a pain than SQL: syntax is wildly different from one flavor to another, changing with each programming/data querying language.

    3. Government Worker*

      SQL can be pretty useful with relatively little time investment, but only if the data you work with is already stored in a database (or if you have large/complex enough data sets that it would be worth setting up a database on your own). In my large organization people tend to start learning SQL when they get tired of asking IT or other departments to generate data sets for them out of the database, or when they find the standard drag-and-drop type reporting and business intelligence tools to be inadequate for the kinds of things they want to know. In a prior job SQL wouldn’t have been that useful because we were a small nonprofit with small data sets that were all in manually-maintained spreadsheets, and even when I set up an Access database for something I was able to use the built-in no-coding query options.

      SQL can do a lot of really powerful things as you learn more (my life got way better when I learned about lead and lag functions), but you can grasp the basics relatively quickly.

    4. Brett*

      Learn skills, not software. This is the problem with being too reliant on Tableau.
      The hard part with SQL is getting experience with real problems with it. It is not difficult, but you have to understand real world situations and problems so you understand when to use techniques like views, materialized views, indexes, foreign data wrappers, etc. and to learn key ways to optimize queries and database structure for specific use cases.

      Realistically, most scripting languages you can be up and running at a pretty high productivity level with 20 hours experience.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yeah, most of my real learning of programming and scripting has been about solving problems. “Learning” to write “hello, world” or what a variable or an array is in the abstract doesn’t really help. And for SQL, you won’t really care about or fully understand what UNION and INNER JOIN mean until you have to use them.

    5. Borgette*

      Tableau actually pairs really nicely with some SQL and Python knowledge!

      The SQL I learned really helps me when I join/merge datasources. Tableau joins can get confusing, so being able to state my goal in SQL helps me communicate when asking for help/Googling and checking the results.

      Basic programming (logical stuff, data types, troubleshooting, everything but loops) really helps when you’re working with calcs and parameters. Tableau also has the option to use custom R, Python, and SQL code, so there’s always that too!

      1. Zahra*

        Yup, I use Tableau and my raw data is stored in SQL tables. I often create tables with only the data I need before going into Tableau. And even then, some manipulations happen in Tableau (mostly because I’m too lazy to do them in SQL or because it’s much simpler in Tableau).

  54. Liz2*

    I’ve been waiting for this today! The local Philadelphia radio station 95.1 mentioned AskAManager around 8:15 this morning and talked about the guy who abandoned his gf and she’s now his boss! They exaggerated for effect of course but it was super cool hearing it!

    1. Friday*

      This one totally went viral. The day it posted, that night I saw it on Buzzfeed. I so hope for an update from the OP.

        1. Purple snowdrop*

          I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for that, although in my head she’s going to email Alison but say not to publish it :(

      4. Ask a Manager* Post author

        To my surprise, the OP actually wrote to me and said he’ll send in an update after it plays out! (I didn’t expect that after the viral thing happened.)

        1. Friday*

          Oh yay! Can’t wait to hear how it goes down. I’m hoping that since the OP dump and run, Sylvia has been building this amazing, fulfilling life for herself, and the pain that OP caused her is so distant that she’s now nothing more than amused at how much he squirms and feels all guilty in her presence.

    2. Perpetua*

      I had the same reaction of “ooh, I know this, wow!” when I stumbled upon the story…in Croatian media. :D

  55. Nervous Accountant*

    Funny of the week:

    I was shown an email chain between my boss and a now-former coworker. She emailed asking why he was out of his desk for so long after clocking in, and he sent a pretty blunt response saying “I was doing #2 in the bathroom, that’s why I was gone for so long.”

    Another funny is someone has quit every day this week. * shrugs with half smile *

    1. Dr. Johnny Fever*

      I love it. ‘I was taking a crap.’

      I wish I’d had the fortitude to use this when I punched a clock. “I was changing a pad.”

      As for someone quitting every day, do they get harassed about bodily functions?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        No, this just recently started (asking about time clocks and stuff). 3 out of the 4 quitting have been here for under a year and are bailing now.

      2. Kelly L.*

        So there was this one time I was working in retail and made the mistake of taking a bunch of cough drops with sorbitol. Cue 20-minute visit to the bathroom. When I finally got back to the register area, someone started yelling at me and demanding to know where I’d been (I had told them where I was going, but they’d all forgotten by that point!). I just said “I was in the bathroom,” and there must have been something telling in my expression when I said it, because they went “Oh God! I’m sorry.”

  56. AMPG*

    Any recommendations for some information sources that will help me get up to speed on basic IT stuff? I recently started managing our IT Director, whose performance has been lacking for some time now, and as a result he’s going to be transitioned out. We’re not sure whether we’re going to hire an individual or a contractor to handle things moving forward, but it looks like I’ll continue to be the person who manages whatever our new solution is. The problem is that I know nothing about IT, and so it’s hard for me to properly evaluate the information I’m getting from my staff. I’d love to pick up a better understanding at least of the terminology involved. Is there a blog, or website, or book that can get me started?

      1. AMPG*

        No, I want to learn about basic terminology for my own information. For example, our website is currently down because of a problem with our Name Server, but I don’t know what that means. I can Google things on an as-needed basis, but I’d rather find some sort of primer laying out the basics about how computer networks are set up, how websites are hosted/published, how cloud-based email works, etc. I don’t need to fix anything myself; I just want to be able to follow along when the problem and solution are explained to me.

        1. Consultant*

          It’s still impossible to recommend anything without more specific info about what you need.

          IT is huge. A friend of mine studied computer science. When I asked him some very general questions about some software (big data, analytics), he didn’t know anything about that, never even heard those names, couldn’t even imagine what it was used for.

          Believe me, your question is too general.

          1. AMPG*

            But I don’t want to know about software or specific solutions. I want to know things like what a firewall is (except I do know what a firewall is) or what a name server is (which I have now looked up, but I didn’t know what it was when our website went down) without having to Google every term, every time.

            I’ve now found the How Stuff Works website, which might give me what I want.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              But that might not help because it depends so much on the individual solutions – operating systems, software etc.

        2. A Non E. Mouse*

          Just in this one paragraph there are 4 different specialties listed. Like, one person might have only a vague understanding of one, but be an actual all-I’m-paid-to-do expert in one of the others.

          I mean…do you mean the website is down because of a problem with your domain name? The host? Or routing internal to your business? “Website down because of the Name Server” is so vague I would literally have to back all the way up and start troubleshooting from scratch, and *I kinda know what I’m doing*. If it took me any longer than 30 minutes, I’d punt to an expert at the firm we (an in-house IT staff) has on speed dial.

          If I was in your shoes, I’d hire a firm (not one consultant, but a firm) that offers all these things. Need some help with the website? Call the firm and they assign their website guy to fix it. Email giving you the business this week? You call, their Email Gal dives in. Not sure what’s wrong but people are running around with their hair on fire? The Networking Guy that used to be an Exchange expert will be on site in 20, and knows who to call for help once he’s sussed it out.

          Find a firm you trust (ask around, call other business contacts in businesses about the size of yours and ask who they use, etc.) and then utilize the shit out of them having experts.

          1. AMPG*

            No, I’m not the one in charge of fixing this stuff. We have employees for that. I just want to understand the language he’s speaking without asking for a definition every other word. Like, for our website, it’s his job to troubleshoot and resolve the problem, but I’m stuck on “what’s a name server.”

            Maybe I do have to ask him to explain all the terminology to me as it comes, or just Google it myself every time, although How Stuff Works seems to be giving me a decent start so far.

            1. GreyNerdShark*

              Ask him to explain. Although it is a skill, translating the tech to non tech but it is one every IT person needs.

              So if they say “name server” you say “So explain to me in non tech language what happened” and you should get back something like “When you type the website address in, your PC looks at the first part of the address, the bit before the first /, which is the name of the computer running the site. But names are for people, computers use numbers, a thing called an IP address. So there’s a central lookup that matches names with numbers so people can do names and computers can do numbers. Your PC asks this lookup “what is the number for this name” and when it gets it, it knows how to find the website. But if the server that does names is down, or has the wrong info then the PC can’t find the website. Our name server was not giving out the right info, so PCs couldn’t find our website. We’ve fixed that now”

              I can’t help with a place to find this, as I learned it all years ago…. But your tech should know you don’t know and a good one will teach you because once you do know it is easier to get a decision about priorities or workflow or whether we can get rid of this piece of junk and get something made in this century. (yeah, bit of venting there)

              1. GreyNerdShark*

                Oh and your next thing is of course “so what can we do to make sure it doesn’t happen again? Was it human error, or programming error? A process failure? ” The answer might be something about “upstream” or some other 3rd party box, but in that case “Did we know about it quickly enough? What can we do to get notified faster? ”

                THe more you ask about this kind of thing, the more you learn and the more they learn to tell you in ways useful to you.

                1. AMPG*

                  This is very useful, thanks. I know enough to ask the second set of questions, and I’ve already made some headway in figuring out why we’re having certain recurring problems (obviously the biggest issue being that our IT Director wasn’t doing more than fixing the immediate situation, instead of addressing the circumstances that caused the problem to recur). I was hoping to skip having to ask the first set of questions and acquire that knowledge on my own, but it seems that may not really be possible.

            2. Zahra*

              Speaking of How Stuff Works… Check the TechStuff Podcast. Some subjects may not be relevant but some of them definitely are. I’d suggest starting by picking those episodes that’ll help the most first, and then listen to the backlog or subscribe to listen to them going forward if you like their style.

              iTunes only has the last 300 items, but podbay.fm and http://www.podbean.com have them all since 2008. Of course, older episodes might be outdated as to how stuff works now, but they’ll still give you a basis: some things didn’t change all that much.

              Here are a 5 (older) episodes that might help:
              How Cloud Computing Works: http://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-c78j9-1d7a8f4

              The Dark Side of Cloud Computing: http://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-2ggpi-1d7a8e0

              How Proxy Servers work: http://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-m97ra-1d7a8bb

              What is a denial of service attack (DDoS): http://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-egrcn-1657b4a

              Internet Architecture: http://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-w57n6-1657b2b

    2. Menacia*

      I agree with Consultant that there is no general blog, website or book that would give you an overview because each environment is unique, even in the terminology that is used. Ideally, someone in IT should be able to provide you with a high-level overview of the IT infrastructure and schematics, but it seems like that person might be the one on their way out (do you have any systems engineers or others who support the environment to whom you could direct questions)?

    3. Thegs*

      As others have said, IT is an enormous subject. I would recommend picking up some CompTIA books off of eBay or somewhere else cheap as they’re an okay way to learn about it. You don’t need to do the exam, just familiarize yourself with the books. The basic ones are A+ (hardware), Server+, Network+, and Security+. Whichever one you think is most pertinent to your situation I would start at. But also, this kind of is a thing where you have to accept that you don’t know what you don’t know, and address gaps in knowledge as they become known. I’ve been doing IT for five years as a generalist and I’m still learning new things every week.

    4. krysb*

      You could do the Saylor classes for beginner computer stuff, such as Info to Computer Science, etc. – but I have to note, these are like college classes, so it’s heavy on info.

    6. Serious Sam*

      Step 1: Read all the cartoons on Dilbert.com. Understand that you will be viewed as the Pointy-Haired-Boss.
      Step 2: Read all the articles on notalwaysright.com about the damage that a non-IT person can do in your position. As manager of the IT director, you will have to allocate budget for things like backup and power. There are many many options at many price points for all these things. How will you judge the correct amount of money to spend if you have no knowledge of this area?
      Step 3: Recruit someone internally who actually knows about this stuff. Why is there no knowledgeable person internally available to take the role?
      Step 3b: At least have the guts to press the big red button and fully test the disaster recovery plans.

  57. Manders*

    Has anyone here taught English abroad? What do you wish you’d known before you started the process of applying and planning for life overseas? It’s something I’ve been discussing with my husband–we don’t want to go immediately, but a few years down the line, job and family circumstances will be different and it might be the right fit for us.

    The country we were thinking of going to is one my husband focused on in college and graduate school. He’s very close to fluent in the language and even worked as a translator, but it’s going to be a tough language for me to learn since I’ll have to start at zero with a new character set and some sounds I can’t pronounce that well, so I should start soon if I want to be able to get around by myself in a few years. I’m also nervous about possibly having to teach high schoolers; I have tutored ESL students before, but that was at the college level and it was one on one instead of me leading a class. There’s a large expat community there so I won’t be alone, but culture shock is definitely going to be a problem.

    1. Kowalski! Options!*

      Two things, above anything else:
      a) Get up to date and stay up to date on labor law. Find out what your employers can and cannot do (e.g. is it against the law for them to prohibit you from accepting private students), especially in terms of the rights of part-time workers.
      b) Watch the tax implications, especially if no tax treaty exists between your home country and the country where you’ll be teaching.

      1. Manders*

        Thanks, these are great things I haven’t thought nearly enough about. Japan does have a tax treaty with the US, but there may be a weird tax situation because I’ll be working in Japan while also renting out my condo in the US, so I’ll be making money in both countries. Who would I speak to about that, a tax preparer or a lawyer?

        1. Kowalski! Options!*

          If you have access to a tax lawyer, preferably one with expat-relevant experience, that would probably be your best bet, especially if that person’s in Japan or has extensive experience working with expats living and working there. “Regular” tax lawyers often aren’t up-to-date on the latest foibles of the tax situation, so it helps to have someone who’s been in the trenches so to speak. (Some expats like to diss expat networks, but when it comes to finding good tax people, expat networks are good for that.)

        2. John*

          Actually, I did just that! It was a bit of a pain, but the only time I really wanted to have a lawyer was when I sold the condo, and had to declare the income in both countries. So, obligatory not a tax preparer statement here, filing from Japan is a hassle and time consuming, but not too bad. First off, after you have spent 330 or so days here, you can exempt up to $90,000 of your earned income using a 2555 (foreign earned income exclusion). You won’t be able to do that in your first year, but you can be exempt from some Japanese taxes that year by filing a tax residency form from the IRS. The condo income is filed for the same as if you were in the US, as it is not included in earned income. You must also remember the FATCA and FBAR, in which various ammounts of savings require you to declare your bank account details to the US treasury. The FBAR threshold is really low, $10,000, and has a weird due date, so keep an eye on that.

          One thing to remember is that by excluding your income (as I do), you can no longer get any tax credits you might use, like the Child Tax credit or the EITC. You can still use some deductions, but not all are applicable.

          The real tricky bit, tax-wise, is that if you are a resident in Japan, you must file your overseas income with the Japanese tax authority, which is quite difficult. I end up going to the local office to file it in the filing season, where their employees will walk you through it. It takes a lot of time, and outside of Tokyo you need to speak Japanese, but filing about overseas property and investments is something I find too difficult to do on my own, since they use different classifications of investments and different deductions. Depreciation, for example, is partly based on earthquake resistant construction, regardless of location worldwide. The other tricky thing is that the Japanese filing date is March 15, while the US one is June 15 for people overseas. Any tax you pay in the US can be credited in the Japan (not the other way around, for non-earned income), but you have to calculate it correctly by March 15th to get it in. You can get it corrected if you’re wrong (I did recently), but it is a massive pain.

        3. Julia*

          If you’re going to Japan, I live there right now and I know a bunch of expats who never learned the language, but get by through their spouses etc. It definitely helps if you speak Japanese, but you can see doctors who speak English etc. without any trouble if you’re in Tokyo. (Rural ares are another thing.)

    2. Morning Glory*

      So not me, but my sister taught English at an elementary school in East Asia, and a college in the Middle East.

      At the first school, she did not speak the language at all when she started, and realized quickly that she did not need to. The students were required to speak English, and all of the other teachers spoke English. Even though she took a class in the native language, she never really learned it, and had no issues the year she was there.

      At the college, she taught English and, professionally speaking, never needed to learn the local language. She ended up learning more in this country anyway because she made more of an effort to do so. But – it was not required. In both cases, most of the people she socialized with were either ex-pats or locals who could speak English.

      So it may really depend on the country, but I would not let not speaking the language dissuade you from teaching English in another country. You could start classes now to help, but imperfect speaking skills likely will not hurt you professionally.

      1. Manders*

        Thanks! My husband keeps reassuring me that it’s possible to get around in Japan while only speaking English. I don’t want to be one of Those Americans who never bothers to learn the local language, but kanji is just not clicking with my brain. Plus, there are so many different dialects that even if I spend years studying I might not be able to understand everything.

          1. John*

            Glad I could help! Speaking another language has been a great boon to me, and I like encourage everyone to give it a shot.

            While you can get around the cities without Japanese, if you live in the countryside (I do! I recommend it!) you really need to learn it. Here, for example, there are at most 10 people that can hold a conversation in English, and I know most of them. Plus side, though, is that speaking and listening skills go up really quickly. I read once that, inside Japan, the JLPT listening section is the considered the easiest part, while outside of Japan it is the hardest.

            Don’t stress the Kanji, if you can get the top 100 or so needed for general life, you’re doing pretty well. If you want to get fluent, you need it, but slowly and surely works well enough. Definitely don’t stress the dialects, they are not really that different, and most people will only speak dialect to a foreigner if they know the foreigner is fluent, or are trying to wind them up.

            ESL – most people who do it learn on the job, so while there is a learning curve, it’s not impossible. I would recommend being an ALT rather than an Eikaiwa teacher, for money, hours, and work-load reasons. The JET programme is great, but limited recently. Most ALTs now are for junior high rather than high school, with a few days in elementary. Tips and tricks : be cheerful, tolerant, and playful. Speak w-a-y slower than you think you need to. (if ALT) find time to talk to your JTE before each lesson, and get on the same page.

            It’s been a few years since I taught (I moved into IT), but let me know if you want anything else!

        2. ginkgo*

          Chiming in to say two somewhat contradictory things:

          1. I lived in Japan for two years and feel like I never did get particularly good at kanji, but I was decent at speaking the language. Of course I wished I was completely fluent and literate, but there’s a difference between not bothering to learn the language at all and just not knowing all the kanji. (There are like 2000 of them! It takes Japanese people their entire schooling to learn them! Give yourself a break!) I won’t lie, not being functionally literate day-to-day is HARD, but speaking is how you really are able to connect with people and so that was what I chose to focus on. No regrets!

          2. Since I’ve been back, I’ve actually been studying kanji with a method that really works for me in a way that the usual methods didn’t, so I’m just throwing it out there in case it’s helpful to you. The book is called Remembering the Kanji by James Heisig. A lot of people on the internet really hate it for various reasons, but people learning Japanese on the internet tend to be terrible anyways, so what I would recommend is finding it in a bookstore and reading through the introduction. If it makes sense to you, give it a go. A lot of people have said that they’ve been able to learn 2200 kanji in a few months with enough time to devote to it; I have a job and a life, but I’m on track to finish in a little over a year by doing 5-10 each day. (It takes me about 15-20 minutes in the morning.) Sorry for the unsolicited advice; I’m just a bit of an evangelist since I thought kanji didn’t “click with my brain” either and it turns out that it wasn’t me – the way they are taught just often tends to be really stupid!

          1. Manders*

            Thank you! I’ll definitely check that out, it does look like it would be a better fit for the way my brain makes associations. Having great communication skills is so important to the work I do now that it’s a little terrifying to be in countries where I can’t read a sign.

        3. Inspector Spacetime*

          I did a study abroad for four months in Japan. I knew the language a little bit before I went, but I definitely wasn’t fluent. My experience was that in tourist areas and academia people spoke English, but not always in daily life– at the bank, at the grocery store, asking for directions, etc. I had friends who knew absolutely zero Japanese, though, and they survived, so YMMV!

          What I did was completely scrap kanji, proper pronunciation, levels of formality, and even to some extent grammatical correctness. I just focused on nouns and verbs. You’d be surprised at how far that gets you in combination with body language and context!

          tl;dr
          I would study Japanese before you go but don’t worry too much about being fluent. You’ll be fine!

        4. Julia*

          You didn’t need to worry about the dialects if you won’t move cities/regions during your stay. Plus, even in Osaka, they can switch to standard Japanese if they see you don’t understand their dialect. Believe me, dialects are the last thing you have to worry about.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      People keep telling me I should do this. But even though I have an English degree and three years of education studies in grad school, I have no teaching experience whatsoever and don’t want to!

      1. Manders*

        Up until recently it was something I didn’t think I would ever consider, but various life things happened and now I’m getting excited about the chance to have some adventures + sock a lot of money away by renting out my condo.

        The thing I’m really scared of is trying to control a class of high schoolers because I’ve always had a hard time acting like an authority figure. Supposedly there are some options for teaching adults too, which I would strongly prefer.

        1. Jessi*

          Once you are actually in Japan you may be able to place your own adds for tutoring as well. Which could be one on one or two kids which you may find you like more and It probably pays better per hour :)

        2. Julia*

          My experience with Japan is that the high schoolers, at least in good schools, are pretty well-behaved and know that the exam will be super important.

  58. Teapot Fed*

    What’s the best way to handle a recruiter that either made a mistake or pulled a seeming bait and switch?

    I got contacted by Teapot Sellers Inc. recruiter about a potential hiring event that they were having, with a link to a posting for a Teapot Engineer. They asked for my resume and to answer a few standard questions (Would you be willing to relocate to HQ? Are you talking to any other teams in Teapot Sellers Inc.? etc.). I looked at the posting and my experience fit the qualifications so I responded with the resume and questions.

    Within a day the recruiter got back and said “Let me find something else with your skill set, the hiring event is actually for a Senior Teapot Engineer” Now I’m already confused because that did *not* match the posting or information that I was sent but then I decided to look at Teapot Sellers Inc’s open job postings. They listed several Senior Teapot Engineer openings and there were a few of those that I also would have qualified for, along with the Teapot Engineeer posting. So to me it’s a definite “What the heck happened?” moment.

    Now because I was trying to keep things as nice as possible, I sent back a “Well I’m sorry it didn’t match but I hope you can place me with a team that would be a better fit” message, but I’m not sure if that was the best one or if I should have said something else, like “So what didn’t match because it’s not clear in your job posting versus my resume?” or even “Why wasn’t this originally communicated as a Senior Teapot Engineer?”

    I pretty much opened with it but what’s the best way to deal with it other than hoping that maybe, just maybe the recruiter finds something else for me?

    1. MsM*

      I think you handled it well. There may be some miscommunication or back-and-forth between HR/the recruiter and the team(s) about what they actually need, especially if there are other internal or fast-track candidates. Just ask lots of questions about how things work if you do get an interview, and keep looking in the interim.

  59. Amber Rose*

    When I started this job, I thought my boss was pretty cool and reasonable and great. Now I think that the “reasonable” thing is a facade he puts on, and I feel a little disheartened. And worried.

    It started with lecturing me about taking too much time off because it makes other people think they should call in “sick” and go have fun. And now, well, he’s gone for a month to a very far off place, and for the two or three days before he left, there was a bunch of lectures about how we can’t take long lunches/go home early just because he’s not here, and how he’s got cameras watching us, and privately he asked me and the safety team to keep an eye on people to make sure they’re toeing the line, which is well over the point where I would have passed it all off as joking.

    I’m aware that what I need is a new job, but that feels hopeless also. I’m still well over a year from qualifying to even apply to take the (super expensive) test for a certification that it seems everyone requires to get work in this field. And I’m not sure I even want to do this anymore, which is terrible since I’m almost in my 30’s and what am I even doing with my life. None of my jobs are related to each other.

    I’m so burned out and I feel completely lost. How the heck do people well out of school figure out what they wanna be when they grow up?

    1. JulieBulie*

      LOL – he has cameras on people? Really? Perhaps you and your colleagues should put on a show for him.

      I’m so sorry you’re burnt out. Just keep thinking about that certification.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Yeah, we have a bunch of security cameras in the office that I guess he can remote into? I’m not worried about it because none of them focus on my desk. I can slack off all I want! (Not really.)

        The thing is, even once I qualify to apply for the certification, I have to come up with almost a thousand dollars to pay for it, when I frequently find myself choosing between paying bills and buying groceries. I don’t even know if it’s worth it. I don’t like my job that much. I don’t hate it. I’m just super ambivalent about it.

        I found my passion in life years after I left school and now I’m so hopelessly broke there’s no way for me to go back to school to fix it. :(

    2. Gloucesterina*

      Sorry to hear you’re in a tough spot. I’m in my late 30s and in a continual and ongoing process of figuring out what I want to do after completing my graduate training, since I’ve found that research isn’t quite my jam (or at least the particular ways I’m immersed in research right now). It’s easy for me to suggest to you that as a much younger person you shouldn’t feel like the clock is ticking on getting on a “real” career path, since I know that feeling all too well. What’s helping most is hearing from folks who did have a sinuous career path (e.g. a professor who used to work in another field; a person working in field X who used to have a faculty job). Being in an academic contexts, these are the types of stories I get exposed to. I don’t know how you can get to hear different types of stories?

      1. Amber Rose*

        My massage therapist used to be an engineer, haha. He says he finds giving massages more meaningful. And the car salesman I bought my car from also used to be an engineer in the industry I’m in now. We had some fun trading acronyms and shop talk while husband sat there looking increasingly baffled.

        The problem is, I only hear from people who went from very difficult to achieve careers to less education intensive ones. I have an idea what I wish I could be doing, but it would be like going from civil engineer to architect, you know? Requires just as much, if not more, education than I’ve got (I have a B.Sc.). And I have no way of paying for more school. It’s impossible. Unless I get in another car accident. Which, not worth it. :/

        1. Gloucesterina*

          :( on your car accident!!

          What you’re saying resonates with me–I never seriously considered doing a professional degree that would suit me for actual jobs that exist in the world, since I couldn’t pay for them. Many PhD programs, on the other hand, offer funding but then the problem is that (for me) you’re on this research train that never stops. And the train is very low-paying! On the plus side, free pizza is occasionally offered to passengers.

    3. Bryce*

      Keeping an eye on people, is that part of your actual job or is he creating a squad of secret police?

  60. HJ*

    I just had to share a crazy job ad. It was for a receptionist position for a small business. In the working conditions it listed that employees will not bring meat into the building and have to eat in designated groups, whatever that means. Don’t know what’s going on there, but it was a hard nope for me!

    1. Manders*

      Hah, that’s a weird one. There are a few religions that separate meat from other foods in a certain way or ban practitioners from eating all meat or certain kinds of meat, but I’ve never heard of one that forbids people from being in the same building as meat. Was the organization related at all to something like veganism or animal welfare, or was the anti-meat thing totally out of left field?

      1. Rat in the Sugar*

        Maybe the owners keep very strict kosher? I know that if they do it’s not enough for they themselves to keep kosher, the whole business would need to be. I still wouldn’t think that would require banning meat, but maybe they feel that that makes it easier to avoid non-kosher situations? Maybe there are even more banned foods not listed in the ad and meat is just the big one they mention up front??

        1. Bryce*

          I don’t recall any kosher laws about mandating the behavior of employees. Even for those of us who keep separate sets of plates and such, that’s a personal thing to manage rather than something to enforce in the breakroom.

      1. LAF*

        I used to be a barista, and I was training someone one day who did not understand what “three quarters” meant, as in “fill the cup three-quarters full of milk.” I quote, “I’m not really good with halves and quarters and things.” So depending on the job, I can see why they might specify this as a skill.

        1. Coalea*

          I once ordered 2/3 lb of turkey at the deli counter and was presented with two packages, each one containing 1/3 lb.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        That was actually a requirement for OldExjob production positions. It was a shop environment and you absolutely had to be able to read a ruler or tape measure. It was even on the little quiz we made candidates for those positions take.

    3. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

      I once saw an ad that devoted an entire paragraph to why no one at the company was above picking up litter in the lobby and how everyone was expected to pitch in to keep the place looking tidy. What happened at this place that they put that in a job ad?!

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      In the working conditions it listed that employees will not bring meat into the building and have to eat in designated groups, whatever that means.

      Maybe the vegans and the vegetarians don’t like to mingle…

    5. AliceBD*

      I worked a customer service job where we all had assigned lunch hours so we would have enough coverage on the phone. If you had something you could switch with someone — it was a small company and the coverage was managed among ourselves as the boss didn’t care how we handled it, just that we did — but you couldn’t just take lunch when you felt like it because then there wouldn’t be enough coverage. I would guess it is something like that.

    6. Kerr*

      Receptionist job ads seem to be where the loonier elements of businesses show up. (Source: looking at one too many receptionist/admin ads.)

      My “favorite” was one for a receptionist who would pick up phone calls AT ALL TIMES – I think they specifically included breaks and bathroom? In a demanding tone? It was a short ad, but a full line was devoted to this. Yeah, nope.

  61. Stefanie*

    I recently came back from my 6 months maternity leave and the person who was replacing me was my assistant. I know when you come back into your job stuff changes and that’s fine, but is it normal that my assistant is VERY reluctant to give me back my tasks, workload and job? Overall, on my first day back, she didn’t come in, didn’t prepare anything, updates or documents I had asked and she won’t return my agenda saying its troublesome…

    Right now, she handed me a few tasks to do and until those tasks ares done I don’t get my “job” back because right now it is “inconvenient for her since she had a routine down and now my arrival has disrupted her…”

    I feel not wanted despite the owner and GM saying they are happy I am back. I am torn between going above with this since there is no HR at my company and “breaking” the relationship with my assistant.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Whoa. You are her manager, right? You have authority here; you don’t need to go to HR because you can just manage her. Sit down with her and say, “I need X, Y, and Z by the end of the day.” If you get resistance, name it — “I’m getting the sense you’re not thrilled about handing this stuff back over to me. I really appreciate the work you did to cover some of this while I was away, but my return can’t be a ‘disruption’ to you. What’s going on?”

      1. Stefanie*

        yes I am (half her manager, she’s also assistant to the sale manager), but she’s has a type of personality which is is “in your face and very blunt”. I have already talked to her about it but she tends to shrug it off. Our last meeting I told her bluntly : in September I am back in place with ALL my tasks. It was somewhat shrugged off yet again. This is why I am so confused because the last thing I want to do is start a war (I have seen her in war mode, it ain’t pretty…)

        2. Isben Takes Tea*

          She’s the one “starting the war” here. Not that there has to be a war, but! you are not the problem! You have not asked anything unreasonable, unexpected, or unusual.

          If she continues to be insubordinate, do you have the authority to fire her? If not, bring it up post-haste to your manager. Being pushed out of jobs post-maternity-leave is a thing we have laws about. (I don’t know if this runs afoul of it, but it’s something your company will probably want to be very careful about.)

        3. Ask a Manager* Post author

          There’s no war when one person (you) has all the power. Calmly explain what you need from her and hold her to it. If she causes problems, address those. If they’re serious, let her go.

          There’s no war or battle here. You hold all the cards. It’s worth thinking about why you’re not acting like you do! (Candidly, that says to me that you’re not managing her / that you feel uncomfortable doing your job as a manager. It’s not really optional though. That’s your job.)

          1. Stefanie*

            I am her manager, however she also reports to the sales manager (so you could say I am half her manager) and she is adored by my sales manager… I am indeed uncomfortable when it comes to her because I never know which flip side she will be for her brashness and bluntness. I will try to talk thing directly one last time. However I have no control when it comes to firing someone it is really the GM that does this. I will however speak with the GM for her to intervene if on my end nothing happens.

            In this situation, firing her will probably not happen because she has just told me she is pregnant and in our Country’s laws, you can’t fire someone who is pregnant (to do this you need to mount a dossier against this employee, else she could sue us).

            Thank you for your advice I will hopefuly be able to make things clear.

        4. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

          Does she think she has protection from the other manager? Do you have a good working relationship with the sales manager? I would sit down with the sales manager and lay it out “Assistant is being increasingly insubordinate and it needs to be addressed. Not only is this an issue purely from a performance standpoint – she is not conducting herself properly and her behavior is in no way acceptable – if it stems from a desire/intent to push me out – after returning from maternity leave – it opens up the company to liability, especially if anyone has given her the idea that it is supported. I need to know that I have your support in correcting this egregious behavior, and you will be ok with terminating her should she not be able to readjust.”

          1. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

            You also need to sit down with her again and VERY VERY clearly and VERY firmly lay down the law. “X will be completed by this date, Y will be completed by this date, future requests for Z will be brought to me immediately, your tone/behavior/conduct/attitude, which has been poor in these ways, will be corrected to these ways immediately. If you fail to meet any of these requirements, you will be put on a PIP. If you fail the PIP, you will be terminated. No second chances. This is how it is going to be – if you cannot accept that, you need to leave.”

    2. swingbattabatta*

      This feels like a power play. I think you are going to need to assert yourself here, otherwise its just going to get worse.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        Agree, I bet she found that she enjoyed doing your job and wants to keep it. Assert yourself!

      2. LizB*

        +1000. Your assistant is trying to take a ton of power that she doesn’t rightfully have. You wouldn’t be “breaking” the relationship by reasserting your authority — she’s breaking it already by trying to freeze out her boss.

    3. Bend & Snap*

      Uh WTF. Does she report to you?

      You need to insist she bring you up to speed immediately and I’d think really hard about whether or not you should keep her on. That’s not acceptable behavior.

    4. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

      This is definitely a power play. She is bitter that she did your job while you were gone and is now having to go back to being an assistant. She is most definitely trying to push you out. You are her manager, Sit her down and calmly, but firmly, lay down the law. You are her boss, she works for you, and she needs to begin behaving as such.

      1. Stefanie*

        thank you I will try one last time and believe more in myself and be less afraid of her. I am hopeful things work out, otherwise I am going to my GM and it will be out of my hands.

        1. Sadsack*

          I think you need to re-read all of the comments here. I am worried for you–there is no reason you should be afraid of telling her how you intend to handle your job or telling the GM that she is not cooperating. It doesn’t matter what the sales manager thinks of her.

        3. Bagpuss*

          If you haven’t already, then confirm the instructions in an e-mail. It can be a ‘just to confirm our conversation earlier today, I need you to do x, y & z by [date]. As directed, you need to make this a priority. ”

          That way, if she doesn’t do it, you have concrete evidence that she has ignored / failed to follow direct instructions and it is much harder for her to argue that the instructions were unclear, or that she didn’t know it was urgent.
          (I don’t know which country you are in. I know that here (in the UK) a lot of people think you can’t sack someone when they are pregnant, but the reality is that you can, provided that the reason for the sacking is not related to the pregnancy, so someone can be sacked for misconduct, but of course it’s important to follow the correct process so you have evidence that that was the reason – if your country is similar, then documenting your instructions and her insubordination is doubly important, if things don’t improve and you do need to talk to your GM about disciplinary action of any kind)

  62. paul*

    We’re in full sit and wait mode re: our response to this damn storm. We’re not in the impacted area but our organization may be called up to provide support to the impacted areas. So much hurry up and wait right now I’m going crazy after 2 very busy previous days. My pre-SHTF jitters are so bad I’ve got no appetite (hey, yay for easy weight loss though). I’ve got friends, family and colleagues in the impacted areas we’re all worried about too.

    Harvey go home.

      1. paul*

        This one’s got strong shades of Ike–bleeeech. Wind’s bad but the flooding’s worse. Someone on the last conference call mentioned Joaquin and I about threw up; we weren’t at all involved in that one but I heard about it and holy crap.

        I think right now the concern is predominantly the damp. Depending on what predictions you believe, the area from Corpus to west Houston is looking at anything from 20-40″ of rain between now and Tuesday. Estimated trillions of gallons of rain is double what happened in Alison.

        and someone just mentioned an ERW on this call.

        I need some damn Xanax or something. I’ll be fine once it hits but this waiting game is driving me bonkers. I need to be busy not worrying.

          2. paul*

            been living here for years :) Tornado, blizzards, grass fires. It’s awesome.

            We’ve just got MOU’s with colleagues down south that may get activated. Gotta be mutually reinforcing in case you’re knocked out/overwhelmed by an event ya know?

    2. LCL*

      Thinking good thoughts for the affected people. The dark morbid side of me that won’t shut up today keeps whispering ‘Katrina’ in my ear, I had to turn off the news.

  63. gingerbird*

    Question for you guys, how much of a pay bump would it take for you to leave a job you actually liked?

    Im at a job I enjoy and a feel appreciated, but I’m afraid I might stagnate. I work in an industry where its not uncommon for people to jump ship after even less that 2 years. But I like my job?

    1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      It would have to be significant, but if I really loved my current job, I don’t think I would even be looking around to get that offer.

      I had a similar position previously. I enjoyed my job and loved the people I worked with, but financial constraints and exceptionally poor leadership and management at the highest level prevented any sort of pay raises. I was approached by another department on campus with a position that was technically a promotion, higher salary, improved benefits, and most importantly – 32 hours as opposed to 40. In addition, the benefits at my department were going to be less valuable as ObamaCare was causing our premiums to double and that would be an out of pocket expense. When I was deciding whether to take the other position, I really had to evaluate what my bottom line would be for salary to make it worth the move.

      1. gingerbird*

        I’m not actively recruiting, but I get messages from company recruiters and I keep an eye on the job market.

        This is my first job since I switched careers, and I’m really just curious how much I’d be worth. There’s also an element of peer pressue as a lot of my (non coworker) peers are incredulous that I’m not actively looking. They all state that they’ll be switching jobs at least once every 5 years.

    2. CatCat*

      I liked my last job a lot, but found out I was making way less than pretty much identical peers. So I looked elsewhere and got a 30% (!) pay bump. That, coupled with being underpaid, was enough to make me leave a job I liked.

    3. Never Nicky*

      It would probably be in the region of 30% … half of which would cover my commuting costs (I work from home) and the extra time lost, and then the rest because I do really like my job and am doing well at it, after most of a working career being in ill fitting roles.

    4. Gee Gee*

      Caveat: I work in a field in which it’s normal to stay put for anywhere for 2-30 years.

      It would depend on why I liked the job. If it’s for reasons that are rare (amazing boss, unheard-of flexibility) then I would need a very large bump to make it worth leaving. Say, at least 25% higher, and that’s assuming all other things (PTO, health care, et cetera) are comparable or better.

    1. fposte*

      If they don’t work for you, you shrug it off. Especially if you just referred them, not recommended them, you’re not claiming they’re bulletproof.

      If you did make claims that don’t seem to have proven true, you recalibrate your internal meter; if you recommended them and they’re a freaking disaster, there might be a little blowback, but it depends on the nature of the disaster.

  65. swingbattabatta*

    I want to ask for a promotion, but I’m having trouble figuring out what exactly I want to ask for. My firm is very anti-hierarchy within titles (i.e. we’ll have “Developers”, but they don’t want “Jr. Developer” and “Sr. Developer”). We have 2 different levels of seniority (i.e. “Developer” and “Development Manager”), and I am definitely not qualified to move up to Development Manager, but I need some upward movement. I am more senior then any of the other developers on my team (in terms of years of work in this industry, and years with this Company), I am frequently asked to manage teams and peers, and I am given much more independence and autonomy than the other developers. I want to push for Sr. Developer, but I don’t know if I should say “I think you should create this title”, or if I should just say “I want a promotion for x and y reason, and I deserve it for A, B, and C reasons” and then let them come up with a solution.

    Their response is that they want salaries to speak for themselves in terms of seniority, but that doesn’t work for me. I’ve been with this company for 5 years, I need to see progress in my career, and on a practical level, it is very problematic to ask me to manage peers without distinguishing me from the group.

    Also, I’m so bad at this. I always feel like I’m at a disadvantage.

    1. MsM*

      I’d argue for the promotion, and keep the title bump in your back pocket as an alternative proposal if they don’t go for that but agree you’re doing good work. Ultimately, though, it may just be that this place isn’t structured the way you need it to be to advance your career the way you want to. (Although if you’re otherwise happy, you might also want to ask yourself just how much the title matters, or whether your work speaks for itself on your resume.)

  66. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    You guys… my coworker just pulled a chair up to the side of my desk, dragged over a small waste can, and started clipping her freaking fingernails while meeting about the issues that came up this week.

    I let my face react naturally and asked her what the heck she was doing. She was completely stumped at why I was upset. I told her to take it to her own office.

    But seriously… ewwwwww.

    2. stuff*

      The bulk of years working, I have had to listen to co-workers clip their nails. The sound – and very concept of doing it at work as routine rather than emergency – makes my blood boil. I have, thankfully, managed to never say anything because my words would be wildly unkind.

  67. Negotiating adjunct*

    I am wondering if there is any way for me to salvage a side gig that I used to enjoy but that has become unfulfilling. For about six years, I’ve been moonlighting as an adjunct instructor in an online program related to my day job. Usually adjuncts have little room to negotiate but I teach something pretty obscure and I think I would be hard to replace. Also, while I like earning the money to put towards home improvement projects, the amount I earn from this for this year will be about 3% of my gross income. I’m prepared to walk away from doing this, which is a strong negotiating position.

    But what do I want? What I originally, genuinely liked about teaching was interacting with bright students and sharing stuff about our profession in addition to the concrete skills we do in the class. The problems that have emerged related to both the students and the material.

    The material is technology-related so I end up having to do a lot of syllabus upkeep that I think the full-time professors should probably do, but they don’t. I pretty much own the syllabus at this point and have to go through the whole thing every time to check for resources that are broken or wrong, then decide how to replace them. Recently I’ve only taught once per year instead of twice, so the unpaid upkeep work is spread across fewer paid classes. I’ve tried pitching a project to modernize and update the entire course, but they won’t pay me to do it. (Once they paid me for a partial refresh because I said the assignments were bordering on unuseable.)

    Also, I feel the students they’ve recruited are weaker than when I’ve started. (Enrollment is down so I suspect they’re admitting more marginal candidates.) All of my course edits have been in the direction of making it easier, but I had to flunk students from my last two groups, which I hated. I feel like they possibly shouldn’t have been admitted, but the school took a lot of tuition money from them and then they failed. The students used to march through the material pretty much on schedule, but lately I’ve had more of them who are falling behind and turning everything in late, so that I’m always in the middle of grading everything at the same time. It’s harder for me to stay organized. And, I don’t have as much time to spend on the stronger students, so I’m pretty sure I’m generally *worse*at*teaching* than I used to be. Instead of having thought-provoking discussions with students, I’m spending my time on extra-help and dickering over late assignments.

    Gosh, now that I’ve gone to the trouble of writing this out, it sounds hopeless. Is there anything I can ask for to improve this and get it back to the way it used to be?

    1. fposte*

      Ugh, Safari can’t cope with longer comments. Shorter version: overall, I don’t think you can make it the way it used to be no matter what the situation; the students aren’t going to change, and that seems like the biggest factor. Additionally, if they have professors teaching this same course and they’ve already dropped you to one course, that doesn’t sound like a ton of leverage.

      You can of course ask to teach more (I’m guessing you’ve done that already, though); the other thing I think you could ask for that might be granted is getting some support on the resource logistics for the syllabus. That sounds like something a student employee could handle in a few hours a week, so maybe you could get a piece of somebody’s GA to do that.

      But mostly it sounds like this just isn’t going to be as nice a sideline as it used to be; sorry.

      1. Negotiating adjunct*

        I didn’t explain very well–I’m actually the only person who teaches this course anymore, and this is the only course I’ve ever taught. I used to do it some of the time and a full-time professor did it sometimes, but with the lower enrollment, they’re offering it less often even though it’s a required course. It would be a hassle if I didn’t do it anymore. I like the idea of trying to get a GA to help with the upkeep. Just having someone locate all the materials that need update/replacement would save a lot of time. Thanks for weighing in!

    2. TeacherNerd*

      First, I think the mindset should change a little. It’s seemingly minor, but it can affect your mindset. You didn’t flunk any students; they failed on their own volition. Second, whether students should be admitted is immaterial since they’ve already been admitted. (And this is perhaps better addressed as a separate issue, because one can make the often-true argument that there will always be a segment of the student population who is unprepared or underprepared.)

      One thing I’ve noticed with colleagues who have taught the same class for a long period of time is that they become convinced the students are becoming denser about the same subject matter. They may or may not but sometimes our expectations don’t reflect the ways (both good and bad) in which education evolves. And if we’re teaching the same thing in the same order, it gets boring.

      That said, it might be time to completely overhaul your class. This will take time, and might not be feasible to do this particular semester (since there’s a good chance it’s already started, or will start imminently). If I notice students aren’t getting the material “they used to get,” I interpret that as a reflection of my teaching style and materials and possible stagnation. And I also understand there are financial restraints that you might face, but it might be time to make a strong argument and work with your department chair (or whomever it is to whom you report) to work on getting better funding. They may not understand what you need.

      1. Negotiating adjunct*

        You’re completely right on the “who failed” question and I’ve gotten some pep talks from teachers in the extended family on this. The students who failed did so not because they valiantly tried to understand the material and couldn’t, but because they sort of “petered out” of doing the work. I was a real school-nerd, the kind who did all the available extra work, so I find this very hard to understand. Also, they tend to freak out at the last second and barrage me with reasons, which makes me feel bad even though I can’t do anything at that point.

        I think you’ve really hit on something about getting bored/stale/feeling like the students are getting denser. Over time, I feel like I’ve really honed my presentation and gotten better at explaining the material. But, of course it’s a fresh batch of students every time! Maybe what I need is not a break from teaching altogether, but teaching this exact class.

        (P.S. These are all good comments but I have some meetings this afternoon so I’m answering one at a time!)

        1. TeacherNerd*

          I will say that sometimes one can really attack a class and just not pass or otherwise do well – this certainly happened to me a number of times. Sometimes I just didn’t do the work, but once or twice I really threw my mind at it and just didn’t grasp the material the first time. And of course there are also students to whom something catastrophic happens (fortunately a rarity).

      2. Gloucesterina*

        Good suggestions if you decide you want to continue with this gig or make space for yourself to grow within its confines. For most instructors (even including many tenured faculty in my institutional context) the ask isn’t “teach well-prepared and intrinsically motivated students” but “teach the students in your class today.”

        1. Negotiating adjunct*

          That is well put and I think helps me frame part of the problem: I’m trying to teach today’s students with yesterday’s syllabus. It is definitely unrealistic for me to only want well-prepared/motivated students but there are more concrete aspects of this too. At one point, the program made a course that was previously required for everyone in the program optional, but I didn’t know about it until the students started messing up part of an assignment that relied on background knowledge from that course. I had to change the assignment to match up with what I could now expect them to know. But this has never been addressed in a systematic way; the syllabus feels like bandaids on top of bandaids. I sort of feel like they want me to do two jobs (curriculum and teaching) and only pay me for one (teaching) and I’m not enough of a pushover to fully take on both but then I feel guilty about the student experience not being what I want it to be.

          1. TeacherNerd*

            Curriculum development is so intrinsically tied to teaching, though, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to separate them. Every time you develop your own class, even if others in your department teach it, you’re developing a curriculum. Sometimes it’s from the ground up, but sometimes, as you’ve noticed, it’s small changes over time, vs. a massive change. Sometimes, too, a curriculum is handed down from On High ™, but even then, one is explaining or clarifying or adapting the material.

            I’m not sure if you’ve ever attended a teaching methods course, but we focus on scaffolding, which is what you realized when students came in with no prior knowledge; you had to adapt the material to provide a background before jumping in to the material. Do you do any kind of pre-assessment at the start of the semester?

            2. Negotiating adjunct*

              I think the course really needs a total reboot, but they have already declined to pay me to take time outside the teaching semester to do that. The fact that the subject matter is technology makes me feel reasonable in seeking to do this–things change FAST–but it seems like they just have no process for dealing with course updates. Most of the classes wouldn’t need it.

              This program used to do some teaching seminars and stuff but not anymore. I suppose they want my professional experience/subject area knowledge more. This is supposed to be one of the final classes in a graduate program, which is why I’m grumbly about some things they don’t know (I chalk this up to the program and its changing requirements, not them, though). I changed one week of my material to be sort of like “background stuff I wish students knew but I don’t want to assume: the technology version.” That has helped. I like the idea of a pre-assessment. That would help me reach the students in each individual group, on the fly, instead of changing my syllabus in general.

          2. Gloucesterina*

            Oof, yes, it’s all a lot to take on! If you do experiment with making changes to the course, one thing that can be motivating for students is to explain what changes you made and why you believe that the changes will help them learn. (We know that one thing that affects student motivation is knowing that the instructor is committed to helping them learn, and that can be expressed in lots of ways other than individual help/answering individual questions.)

            One question I always find clarifying when planning or revamping a class is not so much what do I want students to produce (a paper or exam or project or whatever that looks like in your context) but what skills do I want them to practice?

            Seconding TeacherNerd’s suggestion of doing a some kind of pre-assessment. This look like a simple in-class or Google Forms survey asking about their previous coursework or preparation. You can also use the survey to ask one thing they’re excited about and one thing they’re nervous or unsure about, so that you can begin to anticipate concerns before they’re inundating you with emails before a due date!

            1. Gloucesterina*

              Oops, meant to say a pre-assessment _can_ look like a simple survey. Or maybe you could do an ungraded quiz/assignment or a combination of both an assignment and a survey.

    3. Yorick*

      My initial suggestion is to stop accepting late assignments. I’ve found that they really pull focus away from teaching the current material.

      You can’t negotiate a way to get stronger students. But if you’re finding that the weaker students cause you to put more work into the class, that is a reason to ask for a pay raise.

      1. Negotiating adjunct*

        I’d have to check how much leeway I have about changing policies, but not allowing late assignments would really help, that’s a great idea. I could even allow them up to a week late with the existing 10% penalty but not allow them later than that, because that would still keep me on a schedule of what I’m grading when. (Everything’s due at least a week apart.) This policy would also make the students who are not doing well aware of their situation, as opposed to what happens now, which is that they’re convinced they’ll catch up, even when I try to warn them about the withdrawal deadline.

        1. Zahra*

          College policy was 5-10% off your assignment per day, depending on the department. As in, you got 75% but you submitted your work 3 days late, your actual grade is 45%. That is a powerful motivator to hand your assignment on time.

        2. Yorick*

          I either do no late assignments at all, or 10% off per day. That way you don’t have to accept them more than 10 days late, and sometimes can just tell them not to bother after a few days.

    4. LazyGirl*

      I’m thinking about ways you could limit the class to students who would be more likely to succeed. could you accept fewer students into the class? Or define a prequisite or even GPA requirement?

      I don’t like to use the word hopeless, but I do wonder if maybe the season for this is just over for you. Stopping might leave you open to other types of opportunities that come along.

      2. Negotiating adjunct*

        This makes a lot of sense, but I’m not sure that anything that reduces the size of the class would be workable. They already only have enough students to run it once a year; I’ve had it cancelled once due to low enrollment.

        “Just stopping” is definitely an option. I had this realization a while back that “Hey, you don’t *have* to do this” which was very freeing.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Are you into the online part of it? If you’re teaching something obscure, you could probably teach weekend classes at any local college/uni. There are a lot of ways to teach if you’re not trying to make a full-time career of it.

      I think there’s a small problem with your mindset: teaching isn’t about only interacting with your favorite students. That’s not something you should have as a goal if you intend to keep teaching. It’ll get you in trouble.

  68. Shayland*

    So my mom has been on my forever and ever to do this assignment in the book, “What Color is your Parachute?” Well, I finished it. I’d really like to share the results I got and see where you lovely commenters think I might fit into the working world. I’ve also really struggled with working so far. Two years ago I was fired three days into my first job for being disabled, and the legal process around that still isn’t wrapped up. I also canvassed for a while, and while I was okay at it, I found that it was pushing me toward becoming a person I didn’t like. I also had a seizure about six months into the job and I had to stop working for two months because I was so impaired from it. I just choice not to come back.

    So… yeah. Being an adult is scary. Jobs are scary. I feel like I don’t really know what’s out there. I’d really like it if you could read through these transferable skills that the Parachute activity matched to me and see what roll in this capitalist hellscape might suite me.

    I have experience with public speaking (disability and anti-bigotry education) but I don’t really know how to make a living doing that. I also am in school studying glass blowing. I really think I’d like to be a studio attendant or glass working assistant. And finally, I’ve been training my service dog for a year now and I love it, the education I do everyday while out shopping with him, and the working and learning about animals.

    So, without further adue:

    ★ C2 Performing Skills ★
    Addressing Groups, Speaking ability and articulateness, Public speaking
    Stimulating people

    C3 Leadership Skills
    Keen perceptions of things as they could be, rather than passively accepting them as they are
    Sees and seizes opportunities
    Showing courage

    ★ D1 Language, Reading, Writing, Speaking, Communication Skills ★
    Communicating effectively
    Expresses self very well
    Outstanding writing skills
    Thinking quickly on one’s feet

    ★ D2 Instructing / Interpreting / Guiding / Educational Skills ★
    Having commitment to learning as a life-long process
    Teaching
    Conveys tremendous enthusiasm

    D3 Serving / Helping / Human Relations Skills
    Rendering support services

    ★ E1 Institutional and Innovating Ideas ★
    Highly imaginative
    Demonstrating continual originality
    Love of exercising the mind muscle
    Adapting
    Reflection

    ★ E2 Artistic Skills ★
    Expressive
    Creative imagining
    Artistic talent
    Making

    F1 Observational / Learning Skills
    Delighted in knew knowledge

    F2 Research / Investigating /Analyzing / Systematizing / Evaluating Skills
    Problem solving
    Re-evaluating
    Analyzing

      1. N.J.*

        We don’t typically correct grammar, typos, spelling of the commenters on this site, even if done relatively kindly. It’s in the commenting guidelines.

          1. N.J.*

            No problem. The misspelling didn’t affect my understanding of your post and it shouldn’t have been pointed out in the first place. You are doing fine, don’t pay any attention.

    2. MsM*

      “I have experience with public speaking (disability and anti-bigotry education) but I don’t really know how to make a living doing that.”

      Program/outreach roles with nonprofits? The pay may not be great, and they might want specific academic qualifications, but being a member of the community you serve and having a passion for the work are definite pluses.

      1. Bloop*

        I was actually told about such a program by a stranger at the train station a year ago. But I lost the card he gave me and now can not find the organization. My google fu sucks.

        I’ll try asking around at the speaking events relating to disability I’ve been invited to recently. They might know. I’m finding it’s really easy to do for free. Which would be fine except it takes so much work before I even step on the stage that I just don’t think it will be viable after I leave school.

        Thanks for the reminder!

    3. N.J.*

      There are typically disability advocate and education/outreach positions at universities. I see those types of positions posted every once in awhile st the bug state university where I live, maybr that could be a fulfilling role?

    4. Geillis D.*

      All clues point to teaching, whether at a conventional school or an informal setting.
      Is this something you have considered doing?

      1. Shayland*

        Hmm. I don’t think I could ever teach in the American public school system, as that would likely kill me. But I’ve always really wanted to be a mentor like my own teachers and camp counselors have been for me. Maybe I could look into other countries school systems.

        Some informal settings I’ve considered have been starting a YouTube channel about disability and service dogs. But I know the chances of hitting it big there are slim. And there’s lots of work not relating to teaching involved. Although, that being said I do like editing video. Do you have other ideas for specific informal settings or avenues?

        Thanks so much for input!

        1. Lurker who knits*

          My thoughts:

          1) Make the educational videos you want to make without the expectation of hitting it big on YouTube. The process of making them will help you clarify your ideas and teach you tech skills. This could end up being a portfolio if you look for a job (i.e. video editing) that requires a portfolio. Consider not publicly sharing all/some of your work to protect it.
          2) What about teaching within the setting of a program designed to help people with disabilities? There are many government and non-profit programs covering a variety of areas (adult day care, job training programs for ‘soft’ skills). Higher ed institutions also often have community outreach programs/centers to serve a specific population or need.
          4) Volunteer with an organization to gain experience and network. Once you have established relationships with people, ask for advice on how to get into a field.

          A relative of mine has a medical disability and, as a teen, volunteered at a non-profit which runs summer camps for people with disabilities (all types). Relative got a degree in digital media (and continued volunteering at the org) and now works there doing administrative work and fund raising. Public speaking engagements are part of the job. Pay is not great (like most non-profits), but relative really enjoys the work.

  69. Jillociraptor*

    My new boss is circling the wagons among our leadership to actually try to performance manage our difficult coworker! I’m not super hopeful that this guy can change, but I am heartened that someone is actually going to try to manage him rather than let him continue to derail our office’s work (and foist more work on me).

    I’ve never worked with a low performer before. I’ve worked with people who are struggling in their roles, or still learning their position, but never with someone who willfully refuses to do the work they’re asked to do and grouses endlessly about others expecting that he’ll do his job. I anticipate lots of push-back and continued grousing from him. Our desks are right next to each other. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? How have you approached working with someone who’s pushing back against being held to reasonable expectations?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Since the boss is involved, I just support whatever the boss says.

      “Yes, Bob, it’s fair to ask you to have your report done by Thursday. All of us have to have our reports done by Thursday also. It’s a requirement of the job.”
      I use a flat almost distracted tone of voice and I just restate what the boss has told Slacker.
      Here the goal is not to react to what Slacker is saying. Slacker will have to go talk to someone else to get sympathy.

      Sometimes it got tricky because I was not even sure what Slacker was telling me or why Slacker had to do a certain thing. In those cases, I would simply say, “I don’t know much about that. You’ll have to talk to the boss. ” Again, using that flat, detached tone of voice.

      If Slacker keeps babbling on and on about the problems with the boss, you can say a few things:
      “Sorry to hear that. I hope you get everything worked out.”
      “Sorry to hear that, but I really need to focus on my work right now.”
      “Yep. We talked about this before. I don’t really have anything helpful to say.”

  70. Blue Anne*

    A question related to something that came up with a client…

    The manager of a health care facility hired a new health aide. Her hiring date worked out so that she started with just a few hours of work in her first pay period. As a result, her paycheck would have been under $100 and per company policy it should have been rolled forward onto the next pay period. (I don’t like this policy very much, but I see why they do it, and they do make it clear to staffers.)

    However, the employee really needed the cash. So the manager of the facility went out and got her a Walmart gift card for the amount she should have been paid. This wasn’t a bonus and wasn’t in addition to the wages she was eventually paid – it was in lieu of cash payment.

    Setting aside the payroll tax implications (which I’m working through now) and the WTF morale factor (the employee did not stay working there very long!) I’m just not sure that’s legal. I know you can give a gift card as a bonus, and I know that some employers use payroll debit card things, but this was a gift card to one store being used to pay the employee for her base wages.

    Has anyone come across anything like this before? I’ve brought it up with the CPA who oversees this client and I’m sure he’ll do what he needs to do, but it’s such a weird thing, I’m kind of interested.

    1. RabbitRabbit*

      That’s really weird. I had that happen at a job where we were paid monthly but I wasn’t in the position for long enough to get anything after working for about 2 weeks (due to the delay at the time, I hope their systems have improved by now) and would have had to wait 4 more for my paycheck. When I spoke to my manager, she had me go to Payroll where they actually paid me out in cash for two weeks’ worth of work and deducted that from my next check. I can’t imagine doing a gift card, for tax reasons alone!

      1. Blue Anne*

        See, that would be reasonable! We function as this client’s payroll department and it wouldn’t have been a problem to send out a small check for the employee… but there’s a payroll charge for that and the owner of the health care chain wants to cut down on those.

        The whole situation is nutso. Since they’ve already left, it’s hard to work it out, and this person’s W2 is just going to be wrong. Not by enough that any authority will care, but… still…

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Most places I have worked there are rules in place for what managers can and cannot spend money on.
      Definitely managers should not be messing around with payroll unless authorized and trained.
      I hope that manager had a sit-down discussion with a big boss. She was way out of bounds with taking payroll into her own hands. Some places I have worked at, a misstep like this is an automatic dismissal for that manager.

  71. hgpataki*

    Wondering, do commenters put company awards on your resume? Not like 5-year service or whatever, but Outstanding Employee or Team MVP or something else that theoretically implies actual merit?

    1. Teapot Fed*

      I did put mine in with my job experience and wrote a summary of what I had done to receive that award.

    2. Fabulous*

      For short temp job I held after college, I only had one bullet, “Awarded XYZ Company Top Performer” because really, it was just data entry which was already in my title. I literally couldn’t write any more about it.
      I think if you can quantify your achievement, it would be better than just making the statement. “Awarded Outstanding Employee due to leasing a 20% increase in sales” or something like that would read as more impressive to me.

    3. Bend & Snap*

      Yes. I won our CMO award out of a 700-person marketing organization. You can bet your sweet bippy that’s on my resume.

  72. My mood is as black as a midnight eclipse*

    Employee survey this week; all questions are phrased in a ‘your manager’ style, with nothing referencing higher than grand boss. All my teams negative issues come from executive level; travel restrictions, hiring freeze, promotion and pay increase freeze, outsourced jobs with a dearth of training, etc. while executive compensation has gone up 420% in past 5 years and 93% in last reportable year.

    I know the surveys are meaningless, but sheesh!! At least pretend it means something.

    1. Teapot Fed*

      Is there a “What else would you like us to know that we haven’t asked already?” where you could leave commentary about how some of the decisions from higher levels of management are affecting your team?

    2. Consultant*

      I once had to participate in a survey in which the answers were formulated like this:

      How did you like training?
      a) It was wonderful! I enjoyed it so much!
      b) I loved it! But the food would have been better.
      c) I definitely think I’ve profited from it and will use the knowledge to provide more value to our clients.
      d) I enjoyed meeting so many people from different countries
      e) I especially enjoyed team work

      Someone asked where the negative answers were and became my hero.

    3. AndersonDarling*

      We had a survey committee that wanted to add “Do you have trust in executive leadership?” to our survey. Guess what? The executive leadership decided not to ask that question.

    4. JulieBulie*

      I feel your pain.

      Our company survey doesn’t specify which level of management they are referring to when they ask about “management.” But any time the survey results are negative, it is the local managers who have to come up with “solutions” and “initiatives.”

  73. Consultant*

    I’m asking myself how important the brand of the company you work for is when it comes to career progression.

    I currently work for a huge, global consulting company. I’ve been here for 2 years and work internationally (I travel abroad every week). I have an opportunity to go over to a small, local, specialised, unknown consultancy. It would be abroad and even factoring in living costs I would earn about twice as much as I earn now. Also, I would travel less and mainly regionally, which would be great – I’ve had no private live for the last 2 years and feel quite burned-out and totally demotivated. Not to mention I have no specialisation. And I won’t get promoted this year, since it goes strongly according to the length of stay with the company and 2 years is too short.

    But currently I work for a market leader, this new company would be a no-name. What will it look like when I want to switch in 2-3 years?

    1. MsM*

      Depends what you want to switch to. If the organizations you see yourself targeting in 2-3 years only seem to hire from places like the one you’re considering leaving, then you may either want to stay put or focus your job search on major competitors. If their top people come from everywhere, or you’re open to just seeing where this opportunity takes you, then go ahead and make the leap.

      1. Consultant*

        The problem is I can’t find anything with major competitors. I had two interviews with super prestigious companies, which are more prestigious than the one I am at. The recruitment there is super competitive, with several tests, 5-7 interviews, etc. I didn’t get the jobs. The second time it was close, but unfortunately not enough. I’ve lost the hope I could get something there. You normally can’t apply more often than once a year so I’m out for a year now.

        There are also huge companies slightly worse than the one I work for. They normally pay worse than small competitors and I am too old to believe I should suffer for a few years to profit from that later, I want to live a good life now.

        I feel super unhappy in my current position and the fact that I’m underpaid, that I won’t get promoted and won’t get a pay rise this year is driving me nuts. I’m stagnating. Also, the constant travelling makes me so tired I spend whole weekends just sleeping. Not to mention how complicated it is to arrange job interviews living like that. The average time anybody stays at my company is about 1.5 year, this tells something about how happy people are.

        I have this offer and another interview at a small, specialised but more prestigious company in 3 weeks. But they already told be during the telephone interview that they have doubts whether I have enough experience in field x, their specialisation and I agree with them – I would have to prepare like crazy, since it has been never been my focus. They also told me that they don’t pay much at the beginning.

        1. MsM*

          Okay, but again, what does your idea of a “good life” look like? Do you want to be pushing for the biggest, most prestigious assignments? Or are you willing to make tradeoffs in favor of a better work-life balance, even if you’re less sure how to get there? It sounds like you’re leaning toward the latter, so in the absence of compelling evidence that the road to your ultimate dream job leads directly through current company, I’d be inclined to take the risk.

          1. Consultant*

            The thing is I’ve been applying for 6 months now and had problems finding something, especially given how difficult it was to organize interviews. But I’ve already mentioned this point before.

            Concerning “good life”: I definitely want to earn much more, since now my salary stands in no relation to my effort.

            I also want to develop professionally, which means learning new things, taking over new responsibilities. I don’t learn anything in my current position. I’m not sure if I would in the future position.

            I know I’m very good in (business) strategy and analytical thinking, these are the fields I always got excellent reviews for and people telling me they admire the way I think. The problem is I currently don’t have much opportunities to show that, since what we do is more operational. However, this wouldn’t improve in this next position I think. But then, strategy and analytics are the fields of the few best companies which rejected me.

            I also want to have a private life again, which means I don’t want to travel abroad every week – that’s just too tiring.

      2. Chocolate Teapot*

        Also, think about who is behind the no-name. For example, there are a lot of little boutique accounting companies which were started by former managers from Big Four accounting companies.

        1. Consultant*

          I would describe my current company as comparable to Big Four.

          I’m not sure about the US, but in my country Big Four actually pays significantly worse than most specialised small consultancies.

          Still, in job adverts many companies want someone with Big Four experience!

    2. miyeritari*

      What are the benefits to working with your market leader vs a no-name company? Is this because you really enjoy saying ‘I work for Super Teapots’ and everyone goes “Wow, Super Teapots!” or are there other noticeable business advantages?

      Do you have any people in your networking community who work for smaller companies? Maybe you could compare with them specific experiences and see if they’ve struggled because of smaller brands.

      1. Consultant*

        Sometimes when I read job adverts I do see passages like “3 years of experience from a leading consulting company”. So I’m wondering whether a switch to a small company nobody has ever heard of won’t decrease my career prospects in the long run.

        To put it in a nutshell, I don’t enjoy my current work and I’m dying to switch but I know the name of the company does open a few doors.

        1. miyeritari*

          Given the intensity that it sounds like you want to switch, I think you should just go for it, company name be damned. If the additional opportunities don’t make you any happier (more successful?) because you’re still stuck with your miserable job, it doesn’t really feel that much of a benefit to me.

          This might sound condescending (if so i apologize), but have you considered any of the upsides of working with a less known company? For example, you’ll less likely to be stuck with one of these global company scandals (a friend of mine who works for a recently-scandaled bank bemoaned this). Or you could think of it as an opportunity to grow yourself and shape the new company brand, etc.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed. And adding, sometimes when switching to a smaller pond part of the decision to switch is to commit to grabbing all the opportunities available in that smaller pond.
            I have often thought I would rather be a medium fish in a small pond than be a small fish in a big pond. I like to pick small ponds.
            Part of that consideration for you might be, do you want to work with superstars or do you want to be a superstar among your peer group. Figure out where you will feel content, or where you can decide that you will feel content.

            1. Consultant*

              The thing is I don’t really see the difference between the people working for huge and small consultancies. I definitely wouldn’t describe those from big ones as “superstars”.

              Smaller consultancies are normally set up by former senior managers/ partners from big ones.

              It’s only the worse image of the smaller ones that I find a problem.

  74. Camellia*

    The six elevators in my office building are grouped in the center of the building and open into a ‘room’ on each floor. The security doors on either end of these ‘rooms’ require badge access to open, and if your badge has not been granted access to that particular floor, or if you don’t have a badge, you can’t leave the ‘room’ – your only recourse is to take an elevator to another floor or to the lobby.

    It doesn’t require a badge scan to open the doors to get INTO this elevator ‘room’, just to get back out again. My habit is to pat my badge as I open the door and go in, just to make sure I have it.

    One day after lunch I began experiencing the warning twinges of, as we in IT call it, a System Dump. I was working intently on something and wanted to finish it before I…went, so to speak. So I continued working, and the twinges continued to escalate, until my body finally screamed SYSTEM DUMP!! NOW!!!

    Since my restroom is on the other side of the building, I make my way to the door of the elevator ‘room’, open it, walk through, pat my badge, and IT IS NOT THERE! The door has shut and I am two steps into the room before my brain finally processes this.

    In one horrifying flash I realize I am about to become One Of Those People Who Poop In The Elevator.

    Okay. Relax. Take a breath. My badge was just caught on the edge of my sweater and no elevators were harmed in the process of making this story. My heart rate may never recover, though.

    But I have to ask – is it weird that my FIRST THOUGHT was of AAM??????

    1. KR*

      True story, once I walked out of the office without my door badge and locked my dog in the office. . With all my co-workers away in another state and my cell phone & wallet in the office ….. And on a Friday. I almost called the fire department to break the door down for my dog but thankfully they had a trusted locksmith they referred me to who was willing to get me into my office and check IDs later. (ID was in office).

    2. Manders*

      Argh, why must office designers create layouts where the bathroom and your office are on different sides of a door that requires a card? Are they at all familiar with what it feels like to have a human body?

      1. Camellia*

        I think these are the same designers that set up our rows of cubes with the backs to the windows. Really? You can’t at least set up cube-land with the fronts facing what natural light there is? It’s not like we can actually see out the windows unless we stand up, but at least we would be facing it.

    3. AndersonDarling*

      ha! I had a bad customer experience and I had to tell a manager about it and my first thought was “What would AAM do?” I wondered what I would do as a manager if I was told the information, and then I wondered if it would match Alison’s suggestion!
      …And thank you for the fabulous story!

    4. Snark*

      I am so, so glad that it was, because I will treasure that “In one horrifying flash…” line until the dusk of all my days.

      1. Camellia*

        Yes, we have stairs accessible from our work areas, but the same function applies – you can get into the stairwell without scanning but you can’t get in to any floor without a successful badge scan.

        1. Camellia*

          I should add that, if the alarm does go off (which it has several times, all false thank goodness), we have designated ‘safety people’ on each floor who hold open the doors, make sure people get out, etc.,

  75. memyselfandi*

    Would you expect someone you manage o check in with you after being off for three days? It isn’t such a long time, but it seems like the normal thing to do. I have a staff member who doesn’t like to be accountable to anyone. I keep trying to find a balance between allowing her the autonomy she needs and being on top of what is going on in my own program. A friendly hello and inquiry as whether or not anything happened while away seems like such a normal thing, but she doesn’t do it. It seems strange to call her on it. The petty part of me wants to start excluding her from a possible collaboration that started while she was out, since she doesn’t seem interested in what I was up to. I don’t like feeling petty.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You can’t be petty as a manager. What’s more, there’s no reason to be since you have actual power and authority to have her make the changes you want. That’s a big part of the point of your job. (Same thing with managers who yell; why are they doing that when they have actual power in the situation?)

      Just tell her, “When you come back from being out three or more days, please check in with me in the morning in case anything has happened while you’re away that will impact your work.”

    2. AndersonDarling*

      When I’m out for a while, I will check with my co-workers to see if anything happened. I don’t usually bother my manager because he is very busy and I trust he will meet with me if necessary.

    3. Murphy*

      I don’t know how normal this is. I always assume my boss will keep me in the loop, and I don’t have to make a special point of asking what I missed. I wouldn’t do this unless he asked me to. (I would definitely do it if asked.) If you want them to do that, definitely let them know. Otherwise, when they’re back you can just say “Hey, there’s been some updates on the Blue Project I need to tell you about.”

    4. Yorick*

      As the manager, you should be informing her of any developments that impact her job, whether she has been out of the office or not.

    5. fposte*

      In addition to what other people have said, I wouldn’t think of this as “calling her on it.” Asking for what you want from your reports isn’t calling anybody out–it’s the basics of managing.

    6. memyselfandi*

      Thanks. I never act petty, I just feel it and I don’t like it. This woman is very passive-aggressive. I’ve read a book (which really helped – Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Murphy and Oberlin) and get a tremendous amount of support from my supervisor in managing her. We’ve made it work. I work for a government agency so although I think she is looking to move on, it is not entirely in my control. Somedays, though, I just wish we could have an easy, natural relationship.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        P/A is not acceptable for workplaces. Either she wants the job or not. I would suggest to her that this is the job she has for now and it in her best interest to put her best foot forward every day.

        Your expectations are not up for discussion and ignoring your expectations means a write up. Let her know that ignoring a boss is not acceptable.

        I don’t do well with head games and I have seen so. many. head games. Don’t tiptoe around her, if you things will only get worse as she will come up with more and more antics.
        Since you and your boss have an on-going conversation let him know what you are doing before you do it. Loop him in. Then do it.

    7. NaoNao*

      You know, *my* boss comes to check in with *me* after a few days off. I usually pop my head in for a “hi, I’m back” but she’s super, super busy. We have regular SCRUM, staff, and one on one’s, as well so things usually don’t slip through the cracks. Maybe you can a) set up weekly one on one’s or staff meetings, and b) check in with *her*.

    8. PB*

      I imagine this varies by job, but I wouldn’t do that kind of check-in with my manager after only three days. That’s really not that long to be out, and things change really slowly. Why not just tell her that you need her to check in? It may not have occurred to her.

      Ditto the other comments on being petty. As a manager, you shouldn’t be petty, and it really doesn’t seem fair.

      1. Sadsack*

        Or, if you have something you think she should be aware of, make her aware of it. It seems like memyselfandi is standing on ceremony a bit, thinking the employee should be deferring to her when she could just as easily start the conversation.

  76. KR*

    Keeping track of notes – how do you all do it? I like to keep written notes of what I’m doing either when people ask me to do things or tell me how to do something or I’m writing out what I’m doing to help me think/figure it out. It’s helpful to go back on later but I keep losing what I’m writing. When I started this job this spring I bought a spiral bound notebook to write my training notes in and all the new information I was absorbing but it’s not working for me anymore. Since the notebook is almost full I want to try a new system. I need something that information won’t get as lost in so I can find it when I need it – even if it’s just a better way of keeping track of my notes in a notebook. I’m not opposed to a giant binder with different tabs for the 10 + different sites I service but it seems pretty bulky and I think I’d like to see what others have done before buying a binder and setting up a system.

    1. Consultant*

      I write emails to myself.

      I have 2 folders in Outlook:
      Important
      and
      Not Important

      After an email comes in I move it to Not Important or Important (things I will need some day in future). If I still have to work on it I leave it visible, out of the two folders. If I get a task “offline” I write myself an email and leave it out of the 2 folders.

      I’ve tried different things but using several tools normally complicates everything and is counterproductive.

    3. Bored IT Guy*

      Do you have access to OneNote? It’s basically a digital version of the “giant binder with different tabs”. It’s also searchable, and you can draw or add pictures/graphs/etc. Another neat feature is that there’s an add-on app called OfficeLens, which you can use on your phone, take a picture (for example, the notes on a whiteboard in a meeting), and it’ll automatically be uploaded into OneNote.

      1. lionelrichiesclayhead*

        I use OneNote as well and love it. My latest system, which seems to be working amazing for me, is to keep notes and documents in OneNote and use Trello (another online tracking tool) for specific to-do/action items/tasks.

    4. Murphy*

      I kind of do a bullet journal (except I’m not journaling) for work. I have a list of to-do and waiting for items, I typically have one page per week. I’ll fill in the bullets when they’re completed. I have a table of contents with page numbers for things like meeting or training notes, and I make marks on the edges of the paper for things in different categories. I’ll leave a link below to explain that last bit so it makes sense.

      I also have a dry erase board on my desk with important upcoming dates for projects and the status of a few important ongoing things.

    5. LawBee*

      BulletJournal for life. I keep EVERYTHING in it, and I carry it with me everywhere. It’s work, it’s personal, it’s that list of books I want to read, it’s everything I need. You number each page and put an index in the front so you can flip to exactly what you want. Even if you don’t want to go the Bullet Journal route, indexing your spiral notebook is a pretty good and easy organization trick.

      (If you do decide to Bullet Journal, I’d advise avoiding Pinterest for the first few months. Super creative craft people make gorgeous journals, but that is not even remotely necessary. Fun! but not necessary. Go there once you’ve gotten the hang of it.)

      1. mreasy*

        I love Evernote for note taking and organization in general. I’m sure OneNote & others do this too – it syncs up between devices so if I think of something on the go, I can enter a note from my phone, which I do all the time. Its folder & stack based system for organizing notes makes sense to me, and it’s easy to search.

  77. Stupid Sexy Flanders*

    I am applying at a company where I once did a very short, 3-month long unpaid internship back in like 2010. I have had a lot of more important experiences since then so I am no longer listing the internship on my resume, but I want the company to know I did the internship there once before. Should I just mention it in the cover letter or does it need to go back on my resume just for this job?
    Thanks!!!

    3. zora*

      I would do both. It’s relevant to this job, so I would put it back on my resume, and take off something else that is less relevant. AND I would mention it in the cover letter.

  78. SurpriseScarf*

    I’m applying for new jobs in the data analyst vein, but an Auditor position popped up that seemed interesting? Are the data analytics and auditing tracks close enough that I should go for it?

  79. Tableau Wizard*

    How do I know when I’m ready for a leadership position?

    A leadership vacuum has opened up in an area that was being created based on my skillset. I think I could lead it, but I also feel like I’m really early in my career to do so. How did you know that you were ready to be a manager?

    1. Jillociraptor*

      I think that people are rarely ready to lead until they have to do it!

      But to actually answer your question in a helpful way, I’d think about things like: Can you set a vision for the area, and know what it matters to your department/company/field that you achieve it? Can you take criticism (including unjustified, unfair criticism) from the people you work with and decide responsibly how to use it? Are you ready to give critical feedback to people you work with? Do you feel on the hook for the department’s success, or can you imagine yourself saying “We didn’t get it done because Wakeen didn’t do X.”?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think you do know for sure if you are ready to be a manager.

      I think it is helpful to ask yourself do you like helping people succeed? I am more introverted than extroverted but I enjoy working with people and I enjoy watching people grow.

      Another good question to ask yourself is can you deliver a message that is necessary but might be difficult for the recipient to hear?

      I will say in supervising people I gave up parts of myself but gained whole new larger parts of myself.

  80. Dinosaur*

    Do you feel that there is a culture difference between different kinds of minimum wage jobs? I’m a college student and I just quit my food service job after two years. The job was making me miserable; there was no effective communication about policy and procedure, little to no training, and no real way to be seen as a good worker unless you gleefully take the blame for things that aren’t your fault and let customers and management treat you however they please. My anxiety was through the roof and I felt so bad about myself as an worker, but everyone around me with food service experience acted like this was normal.

    I’ve only worked retail prior to this job. Retail is awful in its own way, but I felt like the level of training and communication was very different from my experience working in my most recent job. Did I just work in a messed up place, or is this normal for food service?

    1. Dinosaur*

      I should add that I’ve spent about 8 years in retail in 4 different companies and now two years in one food service position. I have a limited sample size so I’d love to know other folks’ experience!

    2. AndersonDarling*

      It absolutely depends on where you work! I’ve been at retail shops where the employees are valued and respected, and there are a few restaurants where the same is true. But a lot of min wage jobs are under valued and poorly managed.

    3. KR*

      I think there is and I also think it really depends what company you are working for. I worked in fast food and it was miserable, but I began working for a grocery store and I found it to be a really good environment for what it was. I think it’s a matter of finding the right company/managers which in retail or fast food is super hard. I’m sorry you’ve had such bad luck.

    4. miyeritari*

      I imagine it’s super varied both from company to company and store to store. I’ve definitely had really good retail job experiences and really awful retail job experiences.

      Several years ago, I worked at Jamba Juice, and I actually found that generally a pretty tolerable job all things considered. (No frier!)

      Another food job I’ve heard good things about is working at Trader Joe’s. I know several people that really enjoy working there. (Disclaimer: If I could only shop at one grocery store for the rest of my life, it would probably be Trader Joes.)

      1. KR*

        My step mom works for trader Joe’s and she absolutely loves it. She has worked all sorts of professional and minimum wage type jobs in her life and she wants to stay with trader Joe’s as long as she can.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Entire articles have been written about how soul crushing food service can be. One article I read the author’s belief was the key problem is the job is never done. You serve someone lunch one day and then next day that same person wants lunch again. Every day you start over with little sense of accomplishment. The author felt that it was that lack of feeling of accomplishment that did in most people. And the clean up is incredible. Regular retail does not have this much labor involved and regular retail does not deal with extreme heat (stove) or extreme cold (walk-in freezer/fridge).

      Most places, retail or food service, do not do a very good job training. I think food service has even less time to train because of the labor-intensiveness of the work. I am appalled at the number of inspectors in food service, the staggering amount of conflicting information and the uselessness of the tools that are okayed for use here in my state.

  81. Bored IT Guy*

    How do you deal with boredom at work, and how long should you try to stick it out before trying to find something else?

    I’m in the IT field. In January, I was in a high-stress role doing production system triage and support. The team was completely dysfunctional — 3 or 4 high achievers basically did 90% of the work of a 20 person team, with no repercussions for the bottom dwellers, Our senior manager (or “grand-boss” to use a term I see frequently on AAM) was prone to angry outbursts in meetings or in our slack channel, we had been combined from 3 separate teams into 1 team (over 2 years ago), but some people still refused to learn the new (to them) systems, and would only support the applications they were familiar with, 24 hour on-call where you were pretty much guaranteed to get at least one major issue outside of normal hours, etc. I woke up every morning saying “I don’t want to go to work” and “I hate my job”.

    In February, I transferred internally within our company to a different team in a completely different department. Now, most of my job is planning for outages and releases to our vendor-provided software. I’m technically “On Call”, but I haven’t had any after-hours issues to deal with. I also do a very minimal amount of incident triage – mostly “Look at which system this incident is for, and assign the incident to the SME” type work, not actually investigating the issue.

    Most weeks, my responsibilities typically add up to about 30-35 hours worth of work. I’ve spoken with my manager and said that I feel like I have more bandwidth to take on more responsibilities, and she’s been able to come up with some things, but those are usually one-off type items or short term projects.

    Our department is going through a bit of a reorg, and we’re splitting the work so that we’ll have a “New functionalities and projects” team, and we’ll have a “Day to day sustainment” team. I’m on the sustainment team. We should be getting more responsibility for the actual incident investigation and fixes, as well as granting/removing access, so I should have more to do, but I’m still not sure the volume will be enough to keep me feeling occupied.

    Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated

    1. AndersonDarling*

      My job has big volume times, and then it goes almost dead. I have tuition reimbursement, so I do online classes during slow times. That has helped tremendously. And I read AAM.

      1. Bored IT Guy*

        Our tuition reimbursement is based on “being enrolled in a degree granting program”, and each class needs to be individually approved by a director or higher. I’m not opposed to the idea of online courses, but I’m also not terribly interested in starting a Master’s program at the moment (Deciding what to get a Masters in is a bit of an issue)

    2. A Non E. Mouse*

      Can you take training – like actual off-site training classes? Those can eat up a week at a time.

      What about local networking/IT conference type-lunches? I’m in a Midwest metro area (so: not huge) and there are pretty frequent “tech shows” for all sorts of devices, network equipment, software suites, etc. – free food, work sanctioned and I’ve actually come away from some of these with project ideas we then implemented.

      Plus there is usually swag. I haven’t bought a thumb drive or a water bottle in YEARS.

      1. Bored IT Guy*

        I don’t think we have any budget for off-site training classes, but some of the local networking lunches may be an option. Thanks, I’ll look into that.

    3. GreyNerdShark*

      Look at the things that break. Are there patterns? Are there things that need maintenance work so they don’t break in future? Do you have monitoring of things like disk space and CPU if not can you learn a suitable programming language and make one? If you do can you get data from it and find things that might break? What sort of questions get asked, can you write an FAQ? What processes and methods need documenting? What documentation needs updating? What things do users do that annoy the hell out of you, can you come up with a way to stop them doing it such as a webpage with info?

      A lot depends on your situation but I’ve never met an IT shop where the documentation was up to date and relevant and that didn’t need more automation of some kind.

      1. Bored IT Guy*

        Good advice. Unfortunately, the applications that I support are 100% vendor apps – their app, their code, their servers, so building monitoring isn’t feasible.

        Documentation is always a possibility, although right now we’re trying to find a standardized way (and tool) to document stuff, so anything I start is likely going to have to be re-done to fit whatever new standards we come up with. (I guess I could start writing stuff in plain word docs, at least that’s relatively easy to copy/paste into whatever we end up with).

  82. Adam*

    How do you handle it when you’re intimidated by job postings? I’ll go in with the mindset of knowing a lot of them are wishlists more than hard requirements, but I’ll be reading these and get bombarded by abbreviations and terms and programs I’ve never heard of and think “Well I’ve got no shot at this.”
    (I’m trying to break into a new field: Technical Writing which I recently completed a certification for through an accredited and respected university)

    1. Friday*

      Look to be ~60-75% qualified based on what they are asking, and know that there are a lot of unicorn searches out there. I saw a couple laughable ones yesterday that my husband forwarded me – looking for my level of work, asking for qualifications that I’ve never seen asked before at my level, and underpaying to boot. It takes time and experience in your field to really be able to spot those but you’ll get there.

    2. Gee Gee*

      It really depends on the kind of technical writing you want to do.

      Medical writing–you’re probably going up against people with pharma backgrounds. If you don’t have that, it’s hard to beat.
      Defense writing–you’re going to need security clearance for the higher-level jobs, which is very hard to get unless you’re already military (or know someone who is).
      Industrial writing–you’re often going to work with proprietary products, with which NO applicant has prior experience. Prior experience in this field is less about product and more about process.

      Learning the abbreviations and terms is important, though, even if you don’t have the experience. Teach yourself the language you don’t know, even if you choose not to apply for the position. Also, join the STC. I’ll leave it to you to look up what that is. ;)

    3. Blue Anne*

      I think of the most overconfident, blowhard, medicore dude I know, and if he would apply for the job, I make myself apply for it.

    1. LCL*

      Seniority at its simplest refers to how long an employee has been at a job. If Random was hired Jan 1 2017 and Brand was hired Jan 2 2017 Random has seniority over Brand. This matters if the company uses seniority to decide on assignments and other goodies.
      a. Some private sector companies care about seniority, some don’t. The employees care very much. Especially if everyone is doing essentially the same job, and new guy gets the promotion older guy may believe because he has seniority he should have got the promotion. This used to be an unspoken part of manufacturing job culture, except when it wasn’t. That’s where many of the discrimination issues started in private industry.

      b. union or public sector
      Seniority is the same idea, but because job descriptions are strict there is company seniority, which is the date you were hired, and there is seniority in a particular classification and a particular workgroup. As in the example above, Random has company seniority, but if Brand has been in the workgroup longer he has seniority in the unit. When the unit uses seniority for a tiebreaker in assigning goodies like OT or vacation requests, unit seniority matters more. Which is why I have begged my managers to never start two employees on the same day, and they frequently ignore me. (All of our positions are filled by internal transfer, we can’t hire from the outside.)

      1. Lily Rowan*

        I know this wasn’t the question, but just to note that there’s a difference between seniority and being senior — ie, I described myself to someone (outside of work) as “Senior staff,” and she was like, “How can you be senior?? You just started working there!” But I was hired into a senior role.

        For what that’s worth.

  84. afiendishthingy*

    I got put on a PIP for “neglect of duties” yesterday. One of my bosses asked in our meeting if I felt like this job was a good fit, and I said NO. I was out on medical leave for most of April getting intensive treatment for anxiety/depression, and I knew by the time I got back that I needed to find something else… but didn’t actually get around to applying for anything due to… anxiety and difficulty completing tasks. The irony!

    Basically, we agreed I am going to look in earnest and we will all working on a plan to transition my projects. My boss’ first suggestion on alternatives was that I look at openings in other departments within our agency. Honestly, we’re all pretty much on the same page — but it still doesn’t feel great to hear “You need to make a plan to leave so that we don’t have to fire you.”

    1. AndersonDarling*

      On the bright side, they are still supporting an internal transition. That means that they don’t have issues with you personally, they truly think you can succeed in another role.

      1. T3k*

        This. If they honestly didn’t think you were a good fit for the company, your boss wouldn’t be suggesting other internal positions. Good luck!

    2. D.W.*

      Yea…it doesn’t feel great, but it’s really encouraging to know that your boss’ first suggestion was an internal (lateral?) move. If you like the company, but just not your specific role this should be a fairly smooth transition if it all works out.

      All the best as you figure out what will be the best decision, and keep us updated!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I also agree that it’s not great to hear, “please leave”. But you are doing something right to inspire your boss to support you to this degree. The boss sees something salvageable here, even though you don’t right now. You will salvage this one, hang tough.

    3. Afiendishthingy*

      Thanks all for the support. It was definitely an amicable conversation, they said they hated to have to write me up, I’m intelligent and and know my subject area well and easy to get along with– but I turn everything in late, have been for awhile.

      Basically a huge part of my role is ongoing long term projects, with a lot of associated paperwork and written progress reports. This is basically my nightmare. I have inattentive ADD, diagnosed in my 20s. In school I was always good on tests, great at answering questions in class, good at doing in class activities. The word “project” gave me hives.

      I am really good at some aspects of my job. I have an in-demand license in human services and special education. I’m creative and knowledgeable and bilingual– but time management, prioritizing, and sustaining attention on repetitive written tasks are not my strengths. So I’m nervous but hopeful
      I can find something that will be a bit better for me.

  85. Shellesbelles*

    Good update on the brain fog issue. I told my boss that I was dealing with some memory issues as a result of some medical issues and she has been super supportive. We had a workflow strategy meeting, where she went over how she manages her own schedule and gave me some templates to try out. She also said that she’ll be sure to tighten up the staff meetings, so that we record all actionable items in a google doc as they come up (for everyone, not just for my tasks). She also checks in with me regularly now and has told me to come to her if I’m having any issues or need anymore help/resources. I’ve been encouraged to take time off if I need it, as well. This job has been really rough for me, but I’m really happy about how this went.

  86. London Engineer*

    Ok here goes,

    I currently work in a field which does not require me to have any serious coding ability or computer knowledge beyond reasonable Office skills and a couple of specialist programs. However I have been picking up some work from a team that does a lot of data analysis and management and I really enjoy it – I think I’m fairly decent at the stuff I’ve been asked to do and have received good feedback but it is all pretty low level – either standard excel stuff (not involving macros) or just following instructions in SQL.

    Any advice on how to move into this kind of work more permanently? I am trying a few online tutorials so that I can at least try to understand what I am doing with the SQL and have been looking at MOOCs (coursera etc) but I don’t really know how to evaluate how useful those are. My coding knowledge is limited to basic C++ and Matlab that I learned in Uni and haven’t touched since – playing Human Resource Machine probably doesn’t count.

    1. miyeritari*

      I’d recommend seeing if you can find interesting related skill groups in your area (typing in ‘SQL’ into Meetup.com is an easy way to start) and seeing what’s around you. Not only will this start you with some beginning networking and mentoring, but it might give you a broader idea of the ways people use these skills, what you like, what you don’t like, how you can explore new ground, places other people started, and so on.

    2. Stacy*

      I’d check your local library to see whether it has a subscription to Lynda.com–many libraries do, and you can access it for free using your library card.

      Also, free coding programs like Codecademy and FreeCodeCamp are wonderful places to learn tech stuff. Not sure about SQL specifically, but they’re worth checking out. Their forums are great places to find other resources.

    3. Quirk*

      SQL works very differently from most general-purpose languages and only really gives you database access. This may be enough, but if you’re looking for something that gives you a bit more by the way of calculation power or the ability to provide some kind of interface you’ll want something to pair with it.

      You’ll probably be glad to know that practically any other language is easier than C++.

      If you find C-style syntax comforting familiar, Java and C# are powerful and widely used. If you’re not fussy about completely starting over, though, probably the simplest and easiest choice for data analysis is Python. There are lots of online tutorials – like this one – https://www.learnpython.org/ – and online documentation, though having the added structure of a book may help. Coding is a field where for the most part you learn by doing and most of the work goes into writing something both logically and syntactically correct. Your compiler or interpreter will keep you straight on the latter, the former is on you. You’ll want to begin with small projects and work your way up, building your capability to understand how increasingly large numbers of lines of code interact with each other. You’ll be able to do things like simple statistical calculations very early on, which may or may not be useful, depending on your role.

    4. Borgette*

      SQL is in pretty high demand right now (at least in my area). A team close to mine has been trying to find an experienced SQL developer for almost a year now, and I’ve been contacted by a few recruiters looking for SQL devs. Most hiring managers want some real-life/production SQL experience, but given the demand, are willing to compromise if you can prove your abilities!

    6. stej*

      I made this switch, also from engineer to analytics, and MOOCs are your friend. Khan Academy has a great intro to SQL and you could consider learning Excel VBA for some very quickly usable skills. (There is a lot of data in engineering that gets stuck in random excel sheets. God data management where I was was a travesty.)

      Depending on what part of data stuff you actually like, you can try to move in that direction. One of the best things you can do is go find a public data set and try to do stuff with it. Join it to something else, count distinct numbers of key fields, etc. This initiative and project work looks really good, esp if you can fashion a bigger analysis out of it.

  87. Bye Academia*

    This week I found out that a coworker who was hired a year before me in a comparable position makes over $10k more than I do. I am a woman and he is a man. There is one other man with my title whose experience was closer to mine at time of hire, but I don’t know what his salary is.

    When I was hired, I negotiated for a 10% increase and got it. I found the new number acceptable, obviously, or I wouldn’t have taken the job. My field is small so it’s hard to get a good sense of market rates. Did I get lowballed with the original offer? Did I not negotiate hard enough?

    Not really sure what to do about it, if anything. Because the field is small with very few openings, I plan to stay in this job for a long time and don’t want to make waves. But at the same time, another $10k a year would make a huge difference to me. I feel like I don’t have enough data to make a fair wage complaint to HR, especially since the sample size is so small and they can point to his extra few years of experience.

    I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice or commiseration.

    1. NaoNao*

      Hmm. Well if it helps, 10K is less than 1000 a month before taxes. That’s probably 200 a week or so. I know the difference between 50 and 60k seems like a ton, but sometimes when you break it down, it winds up being just enough to bump you into a new tax bracket or just enough to have one small splurge, etc.

      However, leaving that aside, can you make a case for a raise outside of the disparity? It seems like a few extra years does equal a smallish difference like 10K. If it was like, 20K or above I’d be investigating, but 10K could be explained by 1-3 years more experience.

      1. Alston*

        It also depends how much she currently makes. If she makes 30k and he 40k, sure that’s only 10k, but % wise that is a big difference. Also 200 a week makes a big difference to a lot of people.

        How long have you been there?

        And how did you find out he makes 10k more? If he mentioned his salary to you I imagine you could ask I he negotiated, or if they tried to base it on his previous salary?

        1. Bye Academia*

          I’ve been here a year. I only found out his salary because the paperwork for his contract renewal was out on the HR person’s desk when I went to sign my own renewal.

          We both make in the upper five figure. So the percentage isn’t totally crazy. But it’s a high cost of living area, and $200/week would give me a lot more breathing room.

      2. Bye Academia*

        I’ve only been here a year and haven’t met the criteria to negotiate a merit raise yet. I will definitely be aiming for that in the next year or two. (Everyone gets an annual COL raise.)

        But your perspective does help. $10k sounded like a lot to me, but if that’s a reasonable amount for a few extra years of experience I feel better about it. Thank you!

        1. Ann O.*

          I don’t want to make you feel worse, but do you think you’ll be making 10K more than you currently make in a few years? If not, I would disagree that 10K is a reasonable amount of the extra experience.

  88. PC*

    So, I work at a family-owned company where the CEO and other c-suite folks are constantly giving specific, unilateral direction to departments and functions they don’t know much about. Lately I’m getting a lot of “urgent” requests for random stuff. I rearrange my workload to get it done, then I never hear another word about it. Earlier this week, I got a directive to change the way I do something, and I think it’s a bad idea — in fact, I find it bizarre. I told my direct manager that I didn’t think it was the right way to go, but she reiterated that she got a specific direction from the CEO to do it this way. I can tell this was one of those times the CEO barked at her for not already doing it this way, which he must have read somewhere was the only way to do it.

    It’s becoming clear that this is just how the company operates, so I’m trying to be cool and just do it. This particular change isn’t significantly more work for me, and it’s not dangerous or unethical — but it’s dumb, and overtime it could erode our relationships with certain useful people outside the company, which isn’t helpful. How can I be more zen about this and just do the stupid work?

    1. RVA Cat*

      Make the change, but keep track of any friction from the outside folks – and be sure to pass it along to your manager. All the better if it’s something you can represent numerically. But more than that, just see the decision as above your pay grade (because it is).

      Meanwhile, direct the energy you’d put fighting the change towards Getting Out of There. Unfortunately it seems that family businesses are hotbeds of crazy.

  89. Eric*

    I had a weird interaction with a recruiter (well, a CTO trying to find people for his very early stage startup) early this week. I’d appreciate advice on how I can handle it better in the future.

    His email: “Hi Eric, I’m Jim, the CTO of NewStartup. We are looking to make our first full time hire and your skillset looks extremely impressive. When do you have time to talk?”

    Me: “Hey Jim, thanks for reaching out, but I don’t think an early-stage startup is in line with my career goals. Good luck, though!”

    Him: “Eric, I don’t think you understand. This company is different from most startups, because we have funding and have built much of our product already. This is a great opportunity, when do you have time to talk?”

    Me: “Hey Jim, your last email said NewCompany is looking for it’s first full time hire — this isn’t what I’m looking to do. Again, I wish you the best of luck, but I have absolutely no interest in this.”

    I feel like I took an overly terse and formal tone with the guy because he tried to argue with me after I politely declined. Do you think that was the case and if so how can I handle this more gracefully in the future?

    1. Manders*

      I think you were fine on this one. It’s possible the CTO misunderstood when you said “early-stage” and wanted to clarify that they have funding and a product, which might feel late in the game to someone who’s been working inside the company but still early stage to someone outside it. He was definitely too pushy with assuming you’d want to talk and trying to get something scheduled, though.

      1. Eric*

        There seems to be a “true punk rock” type thing in the startup world. I’ve had recruiters argue with me that once a company’s received funding, they’re no longer a startup. Which sounds wrong to me!

        But that just might be them trying to sell me on their client.

    2. LCL*

      I think your response was a perfect response to someone who is trying to recruit you for a sales job. The clue is all the jargony things he said in his second email. Company is different, this is a great opportunity, when do you have time to talk are all code for sales. The fact he is looking for his FIRST full time hire would be enough to make me run away screaming. Also the fact he didn’t talk about what he actually wanted you to do, just your skillset looked impressive.

        1. Eric*

          That didn’t surprise me, because it hardly ever happens. 90% of recruiter interactions are “I’m trying to find someone for a position doing X in location Y. When can you talk?”. I don’t know if it’s because all programmers are supposed to be socially awkward nerds or what. One guy told me he was disappointed in me because I wasn’t interested in an out of state job!

    3. Spoliokus*

      I think that your response was appropriate. He was giving you the hard sell and didn’t back off when you said you weren’t interested, so it’s entirely appropriate to be a bit more blunt with your second message. Someone’s who’s trying to close the sale like he did (“when do you have time to talk?”) is not going to be fazed by that.

    4. Friday*

      Eh, he had such an excellent opportunity to “sell” you on the position and he blew it. After (or ideally, before) your first response, he should have emailed details like: salary they want to pay, hours you’d be expected to work, opportunities for advancement and equity within the company, 1-year/5-year company plan for growth, timeline on company profitability, etc. etc.

    6. MsM*

      Personally, I wouldn’t have replied to the second message, or been even more direct: “That’s great, but I’m still not interested. Please don’t contact me about this position again.” Anyone who thinks a hard sell is a good recruiting strategy is throwing up way too many red flags to make it worth worrying about whether they can handle a firm rejection.

  90. Foreign Octopus*

    Does anyone know of a good and reliable freelance website for writers that’s no Elance/Up Work?

    I need to diversify my income and get more income in order to pay off a loan but I can’t find reliable websites for freelancing. I applied to Up Work but they are saturated with writers and so rejected my application.

    Any ideas?

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’ve been a full-time freelancer for more than 10 years. If you just want to make some quick cash, pay off the loan, and be done with it, then you can try OneSpace or Textbroker (most assignments pay crap, but there are some occasional $40+ per task gems). Otherwise, I recommend marketing your services and trying to get your own clients. You’ll make more money and spend less time fighting off scammers and cheapskates.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Quick cash and be done with it is what I’m looking for.

        This was a loan from my parents and they’re not chasing up on it (in fact they keep forgetting about it until I remind them) but I’d like to get rid of it as soon as possible.

        I might try marketing myself as well though.

        Thanks for the help!

        (And I love your username btw)

  91. Marillenbaum*

    How do you improve initiative? I’m finishing my internship, and in my written evaluation, my boss listed it as an area where I can improve. My past work experience has mostly been in environments where it either wasn’t required, or was discouraged (lots of micromanaging). I want to improve on this going forward. Any suggestions about building a more proactive mindset?

    1. JulieBulie*

      Which is most accurate:
      – You have an idea to do something, so you start doing it. (This may or may not qualify as initiative, depending on what “something” is and what the culture/manager is like.)
      – You have an idea to do something, so you ask if it’s okay to do it. (This is initiative, though some bosses will be annoyed with you for telling them about it instead of just doing it… you can’t please everyone.)
      – You have an idea to do something, but you keep it to yourself. (This is not initiative, but I think you can see where I’m going with this.)
      – You can’t think of anything to do without someone telling you to do it. (This is exactly the same as what it looks like when you do have an idea, but don’t do anything about it.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Initiative is anticipating a need.

      We show initiative at home and don’t think twice about it. We write grocery lists, prep a wardrobe for the week, set up appointments for preventative health care and we buy new products for our homes to make life easier.

      You can:
      Find ways to make a process or task easier.
      Anticipate and line up supplies/information/forms/etc for a project or task.
      Research a problem that is causing a stumbling block for cohorts.
      Organize your own information so that it is readily available.
      Support someone else’s excellent idea if the idea is being ignored. Help bring attention to that good idea.

      1. NoHose*

        No and that’s a pet peeve of mine: you have to dress nice and make that good first impression. If the office has casual Fridays, the interviewers can dress anyway they like (per the dress code). I personally still don’t think that’s fair but /shrug.

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          I was on an interview team once where an interview fell on one of the few days a year when we’re allowed to wear jeans. We told the applicant that we’d be wearing jeans and invited them to dress down. They chose not to, but we wouldn’t have held it against them if they had.

    4. Anon for this thread*

      Even if you know ahead of time that the company has casual Fridays, don’t assume you are part of the group until you have a job offer in writing and have signed off on it. My second interview with the university I have worked for these past 25 years was on a Friday. I wore a suit. when I got to campus, everyone who talked to me that day was in shorts and t-shirts because they had just come from a lunchtime soccer game and pitch-in. Even the director was wearing sweats and athletic shoes. After a good chuckle over our respective states of dress, we got on with the interview. That said, today is Friday, and I am wearing jeans and a v-neck shirt with a scarf and Anne Klein flats that are actually sport shoes (in the vein of how Easy Spirit does their shoes, only more affordable).

    5. periwinkle*

      Casual Fridays are for employees; you are not yet an employee. True, it’s a bit of a double standard, but so it goes.

      I’ve always felt sorry for the nice young woman who interviewed at a tech company I used to work at. Her interview was on Halloween; she had to provide answers while being questioned by a giant pink bunny.

      2. London Calling*

        ‘she had to provide answers while being questioned by a giant pink bunny.’

        Now there’s a mental image I’ll cherish for ever.

  93. D.W.*

    I was just promoted (Yay!). I didn’t receive a new job description, but I feel like I need one. Is it okay for me to ask my manager for an updated job description outlining my new role and responsibilities?

      1. AndersonDarling*

        Yep, they will probably ask you to write it. If you type it up then your manager will likely accept it right away.

  94. Back in the saddle*

    I’m applying for a position in the same system where I resigned a position last year. Do I explain in the cover letter what happened or do I hope they want to interview me and then discuss it? Considering I was only there for 3 months before resigning, I’d love to leave it off my resume. The system is close knit and I’m afraid they would know.

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      Yes, they’ll know, and it will look really weird if you don’t mention it. I’d explain it in the cover letter.

  95. Technophobe*

    I’m looking for some guidance in starting a conversation with my manager about giving up ownership over a certain task/area that I strongly dislike.

    A little over a year ago, I was delegated a new responsibility which I will refer to as Teapot Technology. I’m not a tech person and don’t have a tech background, I’m actually an office manager. However, I work in a small organization with 12-ish people and we don’t have a designated tech expert. Since I took over Teapot Technology, I feel like I haven’t gotten very good at it. It’s pretty frustrating to me and I still find it difficult to understand. Other staff members come to me with their Teapot Technology issues with the hope that I can fix them. Fortunately we outsource a lot of our Teapot Technology to another company, but for whatever reason employees prefer to come to me for troubleshooting first, even though 9/10 times I tell them that they need to submit a ticket to this other company. I’ve addressed the issue with my manager and our staff time and time again and it doesn’t look like this is something that will improve.

    We recently hired a new employee who actually has a background in Teapot Technology. The role he was hired to fill is something completely different, but in his short time here he has already helped me tackle a couple of Teapot Technology related conundrums. I have mentioned to my manager “Hey, new employee actually KNOWS this stuff, maybe he can take the lead on Teapot Technology?” and she kind of laughed off my suggestion. I don’t know what new employee’s workload will be like, and I don’t want to overwhelm him, but I feel like it doesn’t make sense for me to be struggling so much with this stuff when someone who is quite knowledgeable about Teapot Tech is now on staff.

    I really, really hate Teapot Technology. In general I’m a perfectionist, and I don’t like that I have struggled with something for over a year and I still suck at it. I would really like to transfer ownership of this area to new employee, but I don’t know how to seriously suggest this to my boss. Part of the problem is my manager is not new employee’s manager, so this would require several moving parts, but I think it’s a conversation at least worth having. Anyone have any advice for me?

    1. MsM*

      I think your focus needs to be less on transferring Teapot Technology to new employee (who may well have left their last job because they wanted to do more of what they’re doing now, and less troubleshooting), and concentrate on just making it clear you need Teapot Technology off your plate: it’s not a skill you want to develop, it’s not a skill you’re actually developing in practice since everything gets referred to the vendor anyway, and it’s starting to actively interfere with the rest of your work, including your morale. Then see what your boss has to say and go from there.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think you need to stay away from how much you hate it, that probably is not going to be a strong, persuasive talking point.

      I think your best bet is to point everyone to the Outsourced Company. Tell your boss that you would like to start directing everyone to the Outsource and you would like to stop answering their questions. Unless she gives you a firm NO, then go ahead and start refusing to answer questions of this nature.

      It will probably have to come from you. Once you fully stop answering their questions then they will stop asking you.

  96. Underpaid Bookkeeper*

    So last week I posted about how I asked for a raise and wasn’t really sure how it was going to go. I was making $11/hour and asked for $15/hour as that is the industry standard based on my research.

    My boss talked to her boss and they said they’d give me $13/hour. And then she went on about how she knows I have a lot of experience and blah blah blah but basically they don’t need someone with such high quality. (Meanwhile the last 3 people in this position got fired for doing a crappy job). And if I needed to find something else they understood.

    I was talking to a friend and she’s like it’s sad in this day and age the only way to get a significant pay raise is to get a new job and it shouldn’t be that way. Companies should want employees to stay at their company for a long time.

    I have been looking and there really isn’t much out there. I don’t want to leave this job for a temp job that could end after a month that just doesn’t seem smart. And the jobs like an hour away only pay an extra few dollars an hour so most of my raise would go to gas/commuting costs. So that doesn’t seem smart.

    So I don’t even know what I’m going to do. The frustrating part is I’ve become so efficient in my job that I can do my job in like 25-28 hours a week so in the end, I end up losing money. My mom thinks instead of working 5-6 hours a day mon-fri i should work like 3 days a week for 8 hours each day. Probably a good idea. B/c then I have 2 other days for a 2nd job or to work on my freelance work.

    I just get frustrated in my area. Rent is $1500 a month yet all the jobs are paying like $10-$12/hour. Like how are people surviving? It just doesn’t add up. Meh. I’m so frustrated. I went to college. I went back to college for a bookkeeping certificate. I can’t afford to get my CPA b/c I have student loans from undergrad that I can’t even afford to pay back b/c of all these low paying jobs. :(

    1. medium of ballpoint*

      I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot. It’s really ridiculous and frustrating how the cost of housing has outpaced earning. I’ve lived in a couple of places where that was rampant and it’s so disheartening to see that the people who work in a particular area can’t really afford to live there. I don’t necessary have any good advice, but I’ll send good vibes in your direction.

    2. La Revancha*

      Oh man. I’d definitely look for a job job in a different field (not sure if your comment about there not being much out there is book keeping related or jobs in general). There are so many jobs out there that you don’t necessarily need specific experience for that pay way more than 13 an hour.

      Also, a lot of staffing agencies have full time positions. If I had to pay 1500 in rent I wouldn’t want to make less than 60k per year.

    3. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

      Ugh, I’m so sorry! You could look into working 3 days a week for 8 hours like your mom suggested. I think that’s a good way to go. Do something fun on one of your days off. You definitely deserve it!

    4. Manders*

      Ugh, that sucks. I think your friend is right–I’m in an area with similar rent prices, and everybody has to move around or have a side hustle just to keep up with the cost of living.

      Is there anything you can do reduce expenses? Does your area have government programs that help with expenses like utilities and rent? My low income friends have to lean pretty heavily on the services that are available to them to get by. There’s no shame in that, those services are there for you to make use of.

    6. Bend & Snap*

      My company is like this. You have to quit and come back to get a decent raise.

      I think the 3 days a week/2 days off idea is brilliant if you can swing it.

    7. Blue Anne - also a bookkeeper*

      The freelance work seems like a good idea to me. You could find another job where someone only needs a bookkeeper to come in one or two days a week – I live in a city in the Midwest and there are always tons of people advertising those gigs on Craigslist. Or you could pick up work on Upwork. You might even find yourself in a position to be a freelance bookkeeper and set your own rates after a while of doing that.

      It’s ridiculous that they’re paying you only $13/hr in a place where your rent is $1500. Is that high for your area? My rent (when I was renting last year) was $750 and I’m getting paid $17/hr, which I still feel is a little low – I ought to be getting $19-$20.

      1. Underpaid Bookkeeper*

        Right?!!? Everything I read says bookkeepers really should make more like $20-$25/hr as an employee but I can’t seem to find anyone that wants to pay it. It’s so weird.

        I’m probably headed towards the self-employment route. Because really I don’t have much to lose since I’m not getting benefits or PTO right now anyway. I have 1 additional client from my full time job and if I add a few more I probably can just go full time freelance.

        1. Blue Anne*

          I would totally go for self-employment in your position. $13 an hour and they’re not giving you benefits or PTO?! WTF?!

          It sounds like you really enjoy the work. (So do I!) Put out your shingle, lady, tons of people need your skills and you should be able to get a way better deal than this.

    8. Underpaid Bookkeeper*

      I currently live with family so I don’t have to worry about rent I was just saying in general. I just hate that it’s so hard to be independent nowadays.

      I really LOVE my job and love doing bookkeeping I just hate that the pay tends to be low. Like I’m the happiest at work I’ve ever been. I love going to work and doing what I do. I’ve tried several different things and this is the first thing I’ve done that I’ve really enjoyed so I’d love to stay in the field.

      1. anyone out there but me*

        $15.00 is low for an experienced bookkeeper, if you ask me!

        I’ve been a full-charge bookkeeper for nearly 2 decades and about a year ago I made the switch to 100% freelancing. I left a toxic employer and decided that I just didn’t want to work “for” someone else again. Plus, I consider myself semi-retired at this point. I work about 30 hours a week, most of it for one particular small business client, but I have three others that help me fill in my time and boost my income. For my larger client, my rate is $25.00 per hour.

        If you could keep your current job at 3 days per week, using those additional 2 days to start up freelance work would be great, if you ask me. Upwork is a good start (but be careful, I got a lot of scam invitations for work there). Target small business owners in your area – specifically, ones who have been trying to do their own books and have made a mess of things. I have found that small business owners, with just a few employees, are the ones that need the most help because they typically do not understand payroll law and procedures, they fail to meet tax deadlines, they fail to reconcile their accounts regularly and they end up having no idea what their true profit/loss is.

        It does take time to build up to 100% freelancing, but if I were you I’d certainly give it a shot! I love being my own boss and I’m making more $$ now than I ever did as an employee, with even greater potential for earnings if I want to work more hours per week (which I do not! haha)

        :)

  97. MegaMoose, Esq.*

    Yesterday, literally only a couple of hours apart, I got two pieces of mutually exclusive work news: I have an interview with a firm I clerked for in law school, and I was asked if I’d be interested in moving to project management at my current job. Kind of a big day! I’m really, really excited about the first opportunity. The firm is a non-profit and was one of my first jobs in the legal industry. I genuinely believe in their primary mission and will be interviewing with the two attorneys I worked directly with six years ago. Fingers all sorts of crossed.

    I’m more interested in the second opportunity than I’d expected – I’ve had some issues with how things are run here in the past, but at this point some of that seems to have sorted out, and it would be an interesting change of pace. I’m not sure how I feel about managing people, but I have dipped my toe into the work flow and client communication side of project management and found that I really enjoyed it. I feel a little bad agreeing to be considered for this as I would 100% take the first opportunity if offered, but I’ve more than learned by now that there are no sure things.

    1. Anna Kay*

      Congratulations!!! This is all wonderful news for you, and I’m sure well-deserved recognition of your hard work.

      No harm in comparing the two against the other. People do it all the time, as I’m sure you know. Seems like you’re in the information-gathering stage at this point; I’d be interested to hear an update after your interview and as this managerial position process gets started.

      Question: if you have an interview with that firm, you must have applied there, yes? Or is this a “hey, we have a position open and we remember you being a stellar employee, would you be interested in applying?” kind of deal? Because, if it’s the former, one could be curious about your reasons for renewing the job search at your current job. Was it due to those dysfunctional factors you cited, or because you wanted to move up in your position and didn’t see that happening, or both, or neither, or something else?

      1. MegaMoose, Esq.*

        Thank you – fingers crossed! I did apply to the law firm job – I’m significantly underemployed in my current job and have been applying and interviewing for other jobs since before I started here. This job has never been anything more than a paycheck and a way to get out of the house. Not to mention that I’m currently working in an area of law I am neither interested in or especially well-suited for. I’m very good at it, but that circles back around to the “underemployed” issue.

        1. Anna Kay*

          Hmm, it seems to me like you’re pretty unhappy at your current job! No wonder you went job-searching. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out and I wish you the best of luck!

    2. CatCat*

      Awesome developments! :-)

      There’s nothing wrong with learning more about the second opportunity. You’re not committing to it (and neither is the employer) by just agreeing to discuss it!

    3. Overeducated*

      Congrats! I hope you get your first choice but having a promotion type option as a second choice is not too shabby either!

  98. Anna Kay*

    How does one politely (but firmly) shut down subtle jabs by coworkers at the kind of degree you have? I was recently hired and during my orientation one of my grand-managers, making conversation, asked me what I had majored in. When I replied “Literary translation,” he said in a kind of smirking way, “oh, what do you do with *that*?”

    I’ve had lots of experience with people asking me this question, and I’ve found it all comes down to their tone whether people are actually interested in learning about what one can do with a translation degree, or whether they’re kind of jabbing at you for getting a humanities degree. I don’t think it’s intentional most of the time, but I get really uncomfortable/annoyed when it happens. It’s somehow considered acceptable social behavior to constantly remind young artists and lovers of humanities that, “Oh, cool, your degree is worthless and you’ll never make any money! Waste of tuition, eh?”

    I usually end up floundering around with my answer (“you could work for a publisher, or become a specialized interpreter for hospitals or a technical translator for manufacturing companies, or you could freelance…) until I eventually, in the face of their smirking, admit, “but it doesn’t really pay that well.” It’s the truth, and translation is grossly UNDERpayed and undervalued, but that’s a discussion for another time. The point is, I want to shut these conversations down in a way that is pointed but still professional and appropriate for work, and I don’t want to go into my manifesto about how the fact that I got my bachelor’s degree in translation does NOT mean that I’ll starve the rest of my life; it has taught me really good critical thinking skills and has made me an amazing writer; I now speak another language fluently, etc. etc. etc. It’ll just make me upset and also it’s obviously not appropriate for work!

    TL;DR: How does this translation graduate translate “I’m perfectly happy with my major choice even if it never directly makes me a dime, kindly shut the f*** up” to something…. better???

    1. CatCat*

      I got my undergrad degree in Classics. So I used to get that question.

      My stock answer, “Whatever I want.” End of discussion.

    2. Manders*

      I have a self-deprecating style of humor and a major in Medieval Studies, and my go-to response when people ask why I chose it is, “Because I like to make the big bucks!” That usually gets a laugh and prevents people from commenting on the practicality of the degree, and then I can follow up with an explanation of why I went with that major that suits the situation (because I fell in love with the literature, because I liked the combination of historical research and literary analysis, because I think the time period is often misunderstood, because I took so many classes just because I enjoyed them that I pretty much majored in it by accident, because the regular English teachers wouldn’t talk about all the best literary fart jokes).

      I’m surprised your manager isn’t thrilled to have a translator around, though. It’s pretty freaking obvious how those skills can come in handy in any workplace.

      1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        “because I took so many classes just because I enjoyed them that I pretty much majored in it by accident,”

        This is exactly how I got a minor in Art History. I took the classes, then realized I had everything I needed for a minor except approval to retroactively declare it a minor and I actually I ended up with a double minor because I had already declared a minor in business administration.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Haha, me too–I started as a criminal justice major but switched to English. But I still took enough crim classes to graduate with an associate degree in it. About all it’s good for is writing crime novels nobody wants to publish and opining on the internet. I can’t even get an admin job in a law enforcement agency. :P

        3. SAHM*

          Me too! Minored in Kinesiology, if anyone had told me in high school I’d have minored in PE I’d have laughed and laughed and laughed. But it was like, oh swimming that looks like fun, oh tennis! I love tennis! Oh, I want to try Judo, why not? Until I just needed to take two classes on the history of PE and one other one to get a minor.

      2. Anna Held*

        Sigh. I replied, but it somehow got buried. Look for my comment, though! It’s witty and brilliant! Honest!

    3. Gina*

      I get a lot of snide remarks about being a liberal arts major in a company of engineers and scientists. My response is always this:

      “A liberal arts degree teaches you how to think. I highly recommend it.” *Mona Lisa smile*

      The ones smart enough to realize it’s an insult tend to stop talking. The ones who don’t…they’re just proving my point.

      2. Anna Kay*

        Hahaha, I love this. I’m currently rereading Pride and Prejudice and I can hear Lizzy Bennet say this exact thing! I should absolutely channel her (and you) and say this when someone makes this comment particularly cruelly.

    4. Murphy*

      “Well, you can do [your job title] at [your organization].” (Though I probably wouldn’t be snarky with my grandboss)

      1. Kelly L.*

        OMG, this! The question from the grandboss is so obviously snark, because he of course knows exactly where Anna Kay works and what she does!

      2. Anna Kay*

        Oooh, very nice! I may say this to any particularly snotty coworker at some point. FWIW, this is a part-time job in an industry that has high-turnover and doesn’t require skilled labor for most of the positions offered, so my degree didn’t have much to do with my getting the job, unfortunately!

      3. The New Wanderer*

        Reminds me of the time I was on a date with a guy who found out I had an advanced degree. I guess it intimidated him since he then asked me how I found guys to date.

        My response was “…”

    5. Betty (the other Betty)*

      In cases like this, I find it helps to answer the words of the question and not try to answer the perceived intent. In other words, I aim to be oblivious to the undertones of the conversation.

      Then: So, you majored in literary translation, what do you do with that?

      You: (Big smile, because you liked your major and it’s cool that someone is interested.) Lots of interesting jobs! Of course working for a publisher, or being a specialized translator. Lots of people run their own companies doing translation. It also taught me really good critical thinking skills and has made me an amazing writer and I now speak another language fluently, so the skills I learned can be applied to just about any career I’d like to pursue.

      Them: (Unlikely they’d be rude enough to actually say this, but if they do:) Doesn’t sound like you’d get paid well.

      You: Huh. I feel like it’s worked out well for me so far! (You can switch the focus to them, if you’d like: And what about you? What did you major in? What were your favorite courses?)

    6. LizB*

      Ugh, this kind of thing is so frustrating. With the benefit of hindsight, I think you could have said to your grandboss, “Well I just got hired as a [title], so, that!” in an upbeat, cheerful way. It’s much harder to come up with things like that on the spot, though. As a general script, maybe, “It’s actually a really flexible degree, but unfortunately many of the jobs it leads to most directly are undervalued. I’m enjoying working in [your current field/role], though, and the writing skills I learned really come in handy!” Again, in an upbeat, friendly tone of voice, and change the subject afterwards if you want. Basically, pretend like even the jerkface you-wasted-your-degree people are nice want-to-learn-more people, in a way that points out you’re employed after all so jerkface can’t continue ribbing you without acting like even more of a jerk.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      No advice but a related experience. This reminds me of a conversation I once had years ago, during a period in my previous career in journalism when I had a very specific specialism.

      This was with a friend of a friend who I’d only just met. I can’t remember why it came up, but I mentioned my regret at not taking a class on Hollywood and youth culture that was offered at my uni.

      Them: “Right, as if THAT would have helped you get a job.”

      Me, after a suitably long pause: “I’m a film critic.”

      2. Anna Kay*

        I squealed when I read this. That must have been simultaneously so delicious and so second-hand embarrassing!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Oh yes.

          And actually most of the people I know who studied film (at my uni or elsewhere) have done well out of it. Some are pretty high up at places like Amazon, Apple and the British Film Institute.

    9. Zip Zap*

      People do love to complain about artists, humanities majors, and anyone else who’s doing something interesting with their life. Most of them are jealous. Try not to listen to them. It’s hard to tune out if you hear it all the time, but keep in mind that they are saying more about themselves and their satisfaction with their own lives than anything else. Misery loves company.

      This is what I do. Imagine you’re their therapist. Be analytical and concerned at the same time. If you have to talk to them, probe them to open up about their own lives, and give them positive encouragement. “What did you major in? Why did you choose it? Do you have other interests that you chose not to pursue a career in? Why not? You know you still could, right? I would read your book,” etc. I find that sort of thing can help with nice people who act like that. Grumpier or meaner ones will react negatively to it, but then you have a reasonable excuse to end the conversation and kind of avoid them.

      If it’s a really short conversation, like in a meeting, try to say something funny in response. Or something else that will shut them down. “Why do you ask?” is always good. Maintain the higher ground. Most of them are just giving you a hard time because they wish they were still young and got to study something interesting.

      1. Troutwaxer*

        “You poor dear! It’s not too late for you to learn something that isn’t work related. You know it’s really important to be a creator and participant in our culture rather than a highly-paid drone in a dead-end job. I can help you with this!”

    10. Anna Kay*

      Thanks for the great responses and advice, all! I’m sure I will use a variation of all of them at some point in my life :) You are all great and super affirming!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        There are also a lot of misconceptions about what is and isn’t a useful degree.

        Example: people who want to study video games design are often told to just do computer science instead, but games design graduates have a better shot in some fields (e.g. the military hires some over here).

        Another example: Microsoft funds PhDs in philosophy. For example they have people studying trust in the current age and trying to work out why people trust strangers on Reddit more than they trust bankers.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      If grandboss asks again, “oh what do you do with that?”, pause first, then say, “uh, work for YOU”.

  99. Frustrated Wife*

    Looking for some advice for my husband. He was fired again this week. It makes the third time in 4 years. Of course he’s still having a hard time accepting that he’s to blame for any of it, but we’re working on that part. My question is more about what resources are available, if any, to help him better himself. His issue is hard to describe, but can be really frustrating for a manager. I know because it’s frustrating for me as I manage the household, but I love him, so I can let it slide a little easier or try harder to work with him. He has a difficult time following directions, especially if there are multiple steps. He forgets parts of the process easily or if you ask him to do more than one thing at a time, he’ll forget all but one or two. He also does things in a way that I want to describe as “half-assed”, but I know he does try most of the time to do it right. We all have times when we’re more lazy, but his actions can come across that way because he doesn’t think things through all the way. But I don’t know how to help with either of those things. We’ve tried having him repeat directions when I give them, and that helps a lot, but hasn’t solved the overall issue. Is he right that this is just the way he is and he can’t change at this point in life? I don’t want to believe that.

    1. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Has he been screened for ADD/ADHD? I am in no way a professional, but among my acquaintances, several have had similar problems and then gotten screened and some found that was part of the mix. Once they knew that, there were strategies they learned and, in some cases, medication that helped. I’m not sure how to go about choosing someone to do the screening. Maybe there is information on the Mayo Clinic’s website if this seems like an appropriate thing to investigate?

    2. afiendishthingy*

      I’m not diagnosing, but I recommend he get a neuropsych eval to check for things like ADHD, language processing disorders, learning disorders, etc – if there is a diagnosible disorder that will give him a starting point for looking for support.

      But also, if he doesn’t think it’s possible for him to change and doesn’t want to try, you cannot change him.

      1. RVA Cat*

        Not diagnosing either, but he could have some ingrained negative thinking if he has ADHD, etc. and was never diagnosed. Therapy may not only help diagnose him, but help undo some damage to his self-worth that may have been inflicted by his employers, teachers, parents/siblings, etc.

      2. Manders*

        Yes, an eval is definitely a good idea. I’m not an expert in this, but it’s my understanding that the way we diagnose executive function disorders has changed a lot in recent years, so someone who was written off as scatterbrained or lazy as a child might be able to get an actual diagnosis now. I’ve also heard that many disorders can have the same apparent symptoms but require different treatment; someone with anxiety might have a similar issue staying on task as someone with ADHD, but for different reasons.

        The fact that he doesn’t think he’s to blame does make me wonder, though. He really hasn’t noticed the problem himself?

        1. Frustrated Wife*

          It’s more that he has a reason for everything that happened and thinks his boss didn’t like him. They said “You should have been making sure all the teapots were in the box.” He said, “I was at the computer looking for where the last teapot was.” I’m sure there’s some truth in what he’s saying, but at the same time, 3rd firing in 4 years is a pattern.

          1. LawBee*

            That could just be his way of explaining-away his errors, whether he consciously realizes it or not. I agree with the suggestions to have him evaluated – I’ve heard it’s a relief when people learn that there’s a reason why they struggle, and that it’s not because they’re a poor worker.

    3. Anna Kay*

      Hi there! I can understand your handle–this problem certainly seems frustrating.

      Without knowing your husband, it’s hard to say if that’s “just the way he is–” but for the sake of your question I’m going to be as optimistic and you and assume he can learn. Have you ever tried writing down a list for him? (Or better yet, as a grown adult, has he ever tried writing down a list of the things he needs to do when someone tells him?) I have a terrible memory for things I hear, but I’m great with lists, and I feel very fulfilled when I check things off. Perhaps your husband will have a similar reaction.

    4. Temperance*

      It’s kind of hard to give advice not knowing what sort of work he does. I do think it’s something he needs to work on, and needs to WANT to work on, rather than deciding it’s not a problem.

    5. Snark*

      As someone who exhibits many of these behaviors, I have to say that lists are pretty critical for me. Your husband may not be an auditory learner. I’m not, because I’m hearing impaired. Hearing requests and then verbally repeating them might not engage the circuit that really plants stuff in his long-term memory. He may need to physically write things down or see them written to retain and understand them, which is called read-write learning, or he may need to be physically moving, in which case he’s kinesthetic. But if he’s not retaining things the way people are communicating with him now, you need to change how you communicate with him.

      The forgetting or neglecting steps is harder to work around, because it shows he’s not really engaging deeply with the tasks he’s given and thinking about how they need to be done. How do you teach someone to think things through? You can give him a detailed list and instructions, but how much emotional and intellectual labor should the people around him be expected to do just to get him to get stuff done right? I have to be blunt – this may be kind of who and what he is. This reminds me of like an open thread question from a few weeks ago, where someone asked if an employee who struggled with non-routine tasks and critical thinking could be intensively coached or not. My answer to her was, no, this employee probably doesn’t have much of a future where she’s at.

      1. Temperance*

        “Learning styles” have largely been debunked, but your advice is otherwise solid. It’s clear that he’s not retaining information.

        I write everything down. EVERYTHING. It works for me and I’m good at my job.

        1. Snark*

          As hard and fast categories, yes, but as general rules of thumb useful to discuss the best way to hammer some knowledge into someone’s skill, learning styles still have utility as a shortand. Whether I’m a categorized Visual Learner or not, it’s gonna be a bad time trying to get me to remember stuff I’m told and much easier for me to learn stuff I’m shown, and so.

    6. AndersonDarling*

      My husband was fired/quit-before-firing a bunch of jobs. I think he really had some issues with authority and some confidence issues and he was working in jerky places and there wasn’t a chance for him to succeed. We agreed that he would take some time and work on his issues while taking care of the house. The first therapist sucked, and the second, and the third..but then (GLORY!) the last therapist clicked and he has been making big steps to understanding himself, how to control frustration, and how to let things go. The last therapist specialized in child psychology, and ironically, I think a lot of hubby’s issues were the same as frustrated children and it was a great match.
      He started a new job last Monday and it has been going well. After years of short term jobs and lots of stress, things are going better. But he had to acknowledge that he was the problem and that it was up to him to sort out his issues so he could get a good job.

      1. RVA Cat*

        I’m so glad that helped him. It does sound like a lot of his issues would be similar to what you find in adolescents, and that he needed to do the work that he didn’t finish in his youth.

    7. My Cat Posted This For Me*

      Agreed with everyone about the ADHD and other evaluations. I have ADHD and don’t have the same problems with holding onto a job, but following directions can be hard for me, probably because it’s hard to fully focus my attention. Also, my son was diagnosed with Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, which touches on the inability to understand directions. He has poor comprehension of spoken instructions. That particular diagnosis is actually not that useful for our needs, but it’s an example of a neurological reason for the same kind of issue as your husband has. Try listening to the ADHD Experts podcasts. There are several episodes that go over ADHD symptoms and you/your husband can see if it’s a match.

      One thing that’s hard is that the person has to want to change. I don’t mean your husband can just try harder and magically understand instructions. But I know my own deficits pretty well at this point, and I manage them. I use lists, set alarms, highlight numbers on pages because I get confused comparing two numbers out of a bunch of numbers, etc. It’s my responsibility to do that, just like my short legs mean I need to leave more time to walk a mile to an appointment than my long-legged husband does. I see many people who just can’t seem to take that step into working on their own problems. Hell, my husband does it! He complained for weeks about a problem in our house that kept him from sleeping until I finally came up with a pretty simple solution out of exasperation. Was so tired of hearing him complain and be grouchy from lack of sleep and then say nah, it’s okay. OMG. Thank goodness he’s pretty functional in general.

      1. Ron McDon*

        My son has a ‘working memory’ deficiency.

        The way it was described to me is that people without this problem have a whiteboard/post-it note in their brain, where they temporarily hold information they need for a period of time; e.g. numbers to be added together on a bill, instructions to follow, how to get to a destination.

        My son doesn’t have this whiteboard/post-it note. So he can remember one or two things max, but any more than that and he forgets some of them. E.g. if I ask him to go to his room, get some socks, make his bed, open his curtains and get his school bag, he would remember his socks (first thing) or his bag (last thing) but nothing in the middle.

        He struggles with remembering patterns or lists – he is 12 and cannot tell you which month comes next without starting at January and reciting each month in turn.

        So, if your husband similarly seems to struggle following instructions/remembering things it is worth speaking to a doctor.

        My son cannot follow verbal instructions, and has to be reminded to write lists constantly. His teachers have to be reminded that he isn’t ‘easily distracted and not listening to instructions’, but has a medical condition which means the teachers must leave written instructions on the board for him to keep referring back to.

        He will have to find his own ways of coping with/overcoming this so that he can fulfil his potential at school and keep a job – I do worry that employers won’t be very patient with someone who needs reminding of everything all the time. I’m his Mum and I find it terribly frustrating sometimes!

        1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

          It just shows you how complicated this is because my son probably presents very similarly to yours but his working memory tests fine.

    8. Underpaid Bookkeeper*

      I feel you. My husband struggles with change and getting things done just around the house I have to ask him a million times and it gets annoying but like you I love him so I let it go but if I was his boss it would probably drive me crazy.

      You have a lot of good advice here. I’d definitely talk to him about even having an aptitude test done. Maybe he doesn’t really like his jobs that much so he just does mediocre work. Find jobs that he actually likes to do might be a better fit.

  100. OlympiasEpiriot*

    It seems that most posting here are really stressed. I am, too, and I just want to send out a blanket BEST WISHES and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

    We all can do it. (Yes, I have doubts about myself, but, I’m telling all of us WE CAN DO IT.)

    Here ends my affirmation for the day.

    2. Competent Commenter*

      That was super nice! It made me feel like I’m part of a community of stressed people, instead of stressed out here on my own…and like maybe things really will improve. :)

  101. NaoNao*

    Slight update for the 4 people who might care :)

    I wrote in on the open thread about motivation and feeling like I’m slipping at work.

    My boss and I have bi-weekly one on one’s and she did mention that she felt like attendance was getting to be a bit of an issue–early out’s with late in’s, a few days off here and there, working from home a lot. She was super nice about it—was the work not challenging, was there something more going on, was I happy with the job, etc.

    I apologized sincerely and explained I’ve been in a funk and let things slip a bit and just got into bad habits. I did bring up that our office, which used to be a hub, is now a graveyard since we (our company) was acquired two years ago. It’s been two years of people leaving, being RIF’d, being transferred, suddenly working from home every day, and so on.

    I directly said “I hate coming here now. It used to be a vibrant, fun, inclusive, hopping place to be full of networking opportunities and energy. Now it’s an empty, totally dead quiet place where I wonder why I’m even there if all my colleagues are out/working from home/relocated.”

    She agreed totally and mentioned that it would be nice if we could have some leadership here in the building and she’s brought it up many times, to no avail.

    My question or ask is:

    For those that found themselves in a slowly-emptying building or very slow/quiet/deserted office, (and you didn’t like it) any tips?

    Thanks all :)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I can’t fully explain this but like you are saying the building that I am in emptied out.
      So far all I have come up with is to make my own buzz, build a sense of busy-ness around me for myself.

      I usually have a bunch of calls to make and emails to send. I do that first thing in the morning so the rest of the day is people randomly answering me. Kind of superficial but it works, it helps me to feel like things are going on.

  102. anonnynerd*

    So this week has been really, really difficult to get through.
    Our “sales department” is made up of 4 people; 1 who complains about not having any work to do then complains when I give her some of my overflow(Robbin), 1 manager who is only in 4 days a week and doesn’t know how to use the search function in her email, 1 who actually does a lot of work(jenny), and myself, the “high performer”.
    The other sales person who actually does a lot of work and is productive has been out on vacation all week. Also, one of the backroom guys has been out with no coverage (in a 10 person office it a Big Deal to have more than one person out).
    So for me, it has been really hectic because I seem to be the only person able to perform any actual job functions so I have to cover for both people who are out. This is on top of the 60hr weekly workload I already have (that I am expected to finish in 40hrs).
    I know I need to let this go, but something happened with the office manager that has just really put me in a terrible mood. We have a very specific way that we alert all departments that certain orders have been placed. Jenny typically handles sending out these notifications because she has a system that is very efficient, but when she is out the normal process is for whoever took the call or got the email to send out the notification (with the exception of anyone higher than the sales people, they just hand it off to one of us). Well, every time I have sent out the alert and isn’t EXCATLY to the “T” the same as the way jenny does it I get REAMED. it doesn’t matter that mine contains the same info, it’s just formatted a little different because I don’t have the presaved template and didn’t want to spend 30 minutes figuring it out.
    So Robbin sends out an alert and I note to my office manager that “Hey, just an FYI, we are supposed to format them this way and they need to have this certain information” to which his response was “Does it even really matter?!” said in an exasperated tone.
    I. JUST. CANT. EVEN.
    I just kind of gaped, like jaw hit the floor. He finally got around to talking to Robbin about it but because he sensed some attitude (which is normal for her) he sent her to me instead. I wanted to scream!
    But yeah, just wanted to vent because that was at the START of this week and it just got worse from there.
    I’m to the point where I’m having a hard time caring at all about my quality of work and I just need to find a new job.

  103. Gina*

    For this edition of “WTF of the Week”…

    Mr. Gina recently ended a formal mentorship with a temporary employee. Most mentees are fresh grads, so early twenties. This was a women in her late forties, starting over in a new career. She was what Mr. Gina called “willfully incompetent”. She would nod enthusiastically to all his input, then completely ignore it. She bounced around, struggling at the job, then asked for tips to improve, but continued to ignore all advice given.

    During her last week, she mentioned she was moving to another state at the end of the mentorship, and Mr. Gina sagged in relief that she wasn’t applying FT to his company. When he inquired about her plans, she stated that she was moving to be closer to family, since she needed more support due to a TBI suffered during a catastrophic car accident the previous year. She stated that she was having cognition and memory problems as a result, and she’d had to leave her previous career because it was too detail-oriented and she was no longer capable of that level of work.

    Not once during her interview or during the three-month mentorship had this come up. She’s gone now, but Mr. Gina is driving himself crazy second-guessing everything.

    1. Snark*

      I mean, you can’t know what you don’t know, so there’s that. I do think he really needed to communicate his overall issues to her – not just his feedback, but “hey, I tell you things I need you to improve and it seems like you nod enthusiastically and ignore everything I say, what’s the deal” instead of being driven quietly bonkers by her, so yeah, he needs to second-guess that. But on balance, if someone doesn’t tell you that they’re suffering from TBI and major cognitive deficits as a result, I don’t think you’re responsible for failing to factor that in.

    2. MsM*

      Poor Mr. Gina. He can only work with the information he’s given, though, and it sounds like he did his best. If nothing else, maybe this experience has taught her this field isn’t the best fit, either.

    3. LizB*

      Oof. I don’t think Mr. Gina did anything wrong, or that the mentee did, for that matter — it’s just a difficult situation. TBIs aren’t well understood by most of the population, so I can see her not wanting to bring it up in an interview in case of stigma. And it doesn’t sound like they were working together long enough or closely enough for him to say, “I’ve noticed you like my suggestions, but don’t often implement them — is there some way I can support you better?” I hope the mentee got something out of the relationship, at least, and gets the help she needs in her new location.

    4. Stacy*

      I don’t know. I can kind of see why she didn’t bring it up, either. She may not have realized it was impacting her work to the extent it was until late in the game. Or she may have feared his reaction in telling him–like, “How can he think I can even do the job?” I have a significant hearing loss, and while I know most people would never discriminate against me for it, it only takes one to make you paranoid.

      Still, Mr. Gina shouldn’t be second-guessing or blaming himself for information he didn’t have.

    5. Student*

      I had a similar situation. We never found out exactly what our employee’s specific issue was, but it was very obvious to anyone who worked with him significantly and had similar issues as what you’ve said here.

      The bottom line was that he couldn’t do the job we’d hired him for. We tried, hard, to find ways to help him do his job, just like Mr. Gina tried giving advice. Nothing helped. It wasn’t clear to us that he understood how badly his performance was impacted, even when we had very blunt discussions that his performance was not sufficient. He seemed to promptly forget or mentally re-write such encounters – a frank discussion on not meeting expectations would turn into a “supportive discussion about how much we liked him and wanted to help him succeed” when he recounted it later.

      Some impairments are too significant for the person to do the job you’ve hired them for. While the employee isn’t at “fault” for something like that in the same way that a job candidate who is dishonest about credentials is, the bottom line is that they’re unqualified. It’s ultimately better for everyone to get that person in a job where their impairment isn’t going to hobble them completely. Being a failure at work just compounds the employee’s issues. It’s crueler, long term, to let them drift in a job they can’t do, where everyone looks down at them, than to cut them loose so they can find something that fits better.

  104. anoncmntr*

    I just wrote out this massive long post and decided it was too much. The short of it is: my husband’s job is transferring to an area where we’ll need about a 25% raise just to break even (income tax, higher home prices). The company is only offering 5%. Today he’s trying to compose his thoughts and ask for more money, which he’ll have to do in email (all bosses are away for a meeting, offer letter has to be signed by Monday). Any tips? We’ve broken down the specifics of income tax and mortgage/property tax payments so we’re thinking he should list those concrete, specific numbers and indicate that he loves working for his company and wants to continue doing so, but that this move would be an effective 25% pay cut.

    Any tips? Thoughts? Support?

    1. NaoNao*

      Oooh, hmm. I might stay away from your specific numbers because those are controllable, and one might be able to come back with “well, sell and move to a cheaper house” or whatever. Instead I might note the average or standards for the new higher cost area, show the cost of relocating, show the costs of applications for new loans or whatever.
      You might also ask for a relo package, sometimes companies are more open to that for some reason than a straight up raise.

      1. anoncmntr*

        Ah, thank you! I should have mentioned that they’re offering a very generous relo package (I’m not corporate and have never seen anything so fancy, ha!) so many/most of the moving costs will be absorbed by them. But it just seems so unfair that we’ll end up taking an effective pay cut in order to keep the same job just because they’re moving… Seriously, the comparable houses out there are literally twice as expensive as our current house.

        But I suppose life isn’t fair! Thank you for the advice!

        1. Pineapple Incident*

          Well life might not be fair, and maybe the cost-of-living thing isn’t either. BUT that being said, the company has room to be fair to their employees here. I wonder if they’re moving to a new area because something about that new state/region/locality benefits their bottom line- maybe corporate taxes are less there, or space is cheaper. In some way, they are benefitting- they should absolutely spread that around and your husband should not be made to feel guilty for asking that he at least breaks even (really he should benefit in some concrete way from this- the company should be considering that locality pay is appropriate for their relocating employees).

        2. neverjaunty*

          This isn’t LIFE being unfair. This is your husband’s company being unfair – effectively giving him a 25% pay cut.

          What do they pay people who already live there? What is market? I am betting they haven’t thought about whether the salaries there are similar to what they pay now.

  105. JT*

    Can any recommend a book or resource for communication at work? I find myself drowning in tasks, and overlook sending out status email. I have to unlearn the habit of staying silent.

  106. JC Denton*

    I work with a couple H1-B coworkers who are supposed to provide support for our product. I’m the informal lead for these folks and they’re driving me woefully batty. They lack critical thinking skills in a very major way. While they’re polite, they just can’t cut the mustard and it’s cost us some production uptime. To give an analogy, let’s say we’re in an auto shop and a customer brings in a car on a tow truck that’s simply out of gas. The customer even says it’s out of gas. They’ll change the oil…

    At first I was “annoyed” with these mistakes. Now I find myself starting to boil over a bit, because it’s making me look bad. (I get some passive aggressive responses and indications that it’s somehow my fault.) I think the situation would be salvageable if they could learn better, but they insist on a lot of spoon feeding for the basics. I think my bosses see the issues but are choosing to ignore them because they don’t want to jeopardize their visas (one just brought family over). Anyone ever contend with this type of thing? I could probably bring them up to the skill level we need, but it’d take easily a year. That’s how bad the situation is. I could make a harder pusher for replacements, but then I think I’d be vilified as the jerk who had them sent back to their respective countries.

    Not trying to spark a debate on H1-B, though I know several qualified locals who could easily fill them roles with ease. I simply mention it because it’s a management hesitation on taking any kind of action that might endanger the visa status.

    1. Snark*

      Yeah, I dunno. I mean, yeah, you’d be sending them back home, with their families, and that sucks for them. But, honestly, does that serve your business needs? No.

      I think you need to present very clear examples of what’s going on to your bosses, and I think you need to not only tell them it’d take them a year to get trained up but also give a specific outline of what you’d have to cover with them before they were fully capable in the job. But stop there. Don’t start arguing about their visa status or even bring it up. I’d frame it as a performance issue, whether they’re from your hometown or from Hyderabad.

    2. NicoleK*

      It may be a comprehension issue if English is not their first language. My colleague and I will sit in the same meeting and walk away with very different interpretations. English is not her first language and she often struggles with understanding what was said. That said, despite her challenges, she has been successful in her role, because we have a supportive supervisor who has taken the time to work with her, answer follow up questions, and clarify things for her.

      1. Snark*

        It may be a lost in translation issue, at least partially. And I think your suggestion is good. But I also notice that there’s a very wide range of quality, especially as far as non-rote critical thinking and reasoning goes, in a lot of countries’ universities. There are world-class universities everywhere, and I’ve worked with world-class professionals and researchers from everywhere, but there’s also a lot of rote-learning diploma mills that couldn’t even stay accredited in the US, that will graduate you with any degree you want as long as you pay tuition. That’s also a real possibility here.

    3. Champagne_Dreams*

      H1-B visas can be transferred to a new employer. It’s not like the workers would be immediately deported. There are multiple avenues to terminating a H1-B worker and not messing up their life. Your management should consult with their immigration attorneys instead of assuming things.

  107. Snickerdoodle*

    On Monday, I asked for a significant pay rise since my role has changed a lot due to staffing changes. More responsibility, more coordinating of things, and I’ve made nontrivial contributions to multiple projects. My boss was super supportive, so here’s hoping! I was shaking like a leaf afterwards, but I used Allison’s advice about using market value and framing the conversation around my contributions so I’m confident in what I did. Thank you, AAM!!

  108. anon for this*

    How common are mandatory retirement contributions? I recently started a new job and was surprised to find that it’s mandatory to contribute 5 – 7.5% of my annual salary to a retirement plan. Contributions haven’t been mandatory at any of my other jobs and I didn’t figure losing 7.5% of my salary into my budget when I signed on to this job.

    I know saving for retirement is important and I probably haven’t been doing enough in that regard, but I’m also in one of those fields that requires a lot of education for little pay, so Lost Generation, student loans, not a lot of breathing room my budget, etc. And I’ll definitely take responsibility for not looking as closely as I should have at the benefits package and won’t make that mistake again. But I am wondering if this is an odd practice or just my inexperience at not seeing this coming. Thanks, all!

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think it’s the norm but it’s not hugely uncommon. It’s based on the pension model, which involves a mandatory contribution from the employee as well; they just shifted it to a 403b/401k/457 instead.

    2. CatCat*

      I think it’s common if there is a defined benefit (traditional pension) plan. I’m not sure how common it is for other plans though.

      If the deductions are pre-tax, they should lower your adjusted gross income, which may help you with some budget breathing room if you are on an income driven student loan repayment plan.

    3. Anlyn*

      Are you sure it’s actually mandatory? Lots of companies use an opt-out version; they start you on the retirement plan but you can actually opt-out if you need to. It’s often used by people who already have other retirement plans in place, but certainly not limited to that reason only. You might check and see if it’s possible.

    4. NW Mossy*

      I’m a retirement plan professional, and I see this almost exclusively from state/local governments and closely affiliated enterprises (school districts, higher ed, etc.) – it’s very rare in the private sector to see truly mandatory contributions with no opt-out available.

      In the private sector, you’re a lot more likely to see what’s called an automatic contribution arrangement, where you’ll contribute a percentage (static or increasing year-over-year) if you don’t tell your employer that you want to opt out. However, these schemes are required to have an opt-out.

  109. Annie*

    Hi everyone! I’m returning to PR and Marketing after some time off. I’m in Los Angeles and I’m finding a lot of the jobs I’m looking for are going to Social Media influencers. I’ve been a nanny for a couple of years while doing freelance. I have LOT of difference jobs on my resume including administrative assistant work and behind the scenes work on film and television.

    I would love some advice on how to focus my resume. I’m afraid I look flighty. I have my MBA so I’m not looking for entry level jobs but my experience seems so all over the place I’m not sure the best way to turn all of my experience into a positive thing.

    1. JulieBulie*

      I’m not sure how best to focus your resume, but it might be a good idea to mention “versatility” in your cover letter!

  110. Purple snowdrop*

    Oh God I am not a good member of staff these last few months.

    I am struggling to
    -work my hours
    -get things done in good time
    -sit at my desk without sloping off to cry in the toilets every so often

    My work understand my circumstances and are being great but I’m usually much better at my job than this.

    I have also lost all sense of proportion about this and probably think I’m doing worse than I am.

    I just need to calm down really.

    1. Kat*

      I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I am sure you’re not doing as badly as you think, and it’s probably just the way you are feeling contributing to make it seem even ‘bigger’ than it is. It is important to give yourself a break and ease up on being harsh to yourself – work is important, yes, but you come first!

    3. Purple snowdrop*

      Thank you both. It helps to hear other people say that…. even internet strangers :)

    4. Sylvan*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. If a friend were in your position, what would you do to help them? Be a good friend for yourself.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      It will be like this for a bit then it will get better. And your boss knows that.

      Of the three struggles you mention I’d focus on getting things done in good time. If you focus on that one the other two struggles may fall into place behind it. This is because you can use your deadlines as your focus to fill up your work day. You will need to work your hours to meet the deadline. And because you are focusing on meeting your deadlines you might be a little preoccupied and “forget” to slope off the bathroom and cry once in a while. One thing I did that was really helpful for me was I told myself that work was a time out from life stuff. It was a natural excuse (“I can’t do x I have to work”) and a refuge from the storms in life.

      So just focus on how your deadlines are doing and see how that goes with targeting just one concern.

  111. Teapot_analyst*

    I have a question that’s kind of related to one of the letters this week, about whether to reach out to someone to apologize. The brief version of the story is that I had an affair with a married coworker and his wife, Jane, works in the same field as me, so there’s a real possibility that I could run into her again professionally. I’m not trying to justify what I did – I know I did something very wrong and even though there were mitigating circumstances (domestic abuse, Jane was the abuser), that really means nothing at this point. I knew Jane personally for a few months but cut off contact when I realized what she was doing. I also cut off contact with the coworker when I ended the affair and I have a new job now (at a large company where Jane used to work). Jane has about 7 more years of experience in the field. It isn’t a niche field though, and we work in a large city, so maybe I’m overestimating the chances of trouble down the road. This all happened about a year ago, and while I’m 99% sure she knows about the affair, that’s not the same as 100%. So my question is, would it be a good idea to reach out to tell her I’m sorry, or should I just leave things alone?

    2. Toph*

      Leave it alone. Unless she runs into you and literally says something like “what do you have to say for yourself!” or in some other way is confronting you about it, do not contact her and do not bring it up. If she does confront you, apologize then, but otherwise stay out of it.

        1. WellRed*

          There was an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie felt she needed to apologize to Mr. Big’s wife for their affair. (She ran into her having lunch in a restaurant). The wife’s response: “First you ruined my marriage, and now you have ruined my lunch!” It put things into perspective.

          2. Purple snowdrop*

            She didn’t run into her, she stalked her there. The apology was all about Carrie.

            Also, that’s the second SATC reference on AAM in like three days.

            Anyway, yes, I agree. Absolutely leave it alone.

  112. claire*

    Just started a new job and in the “welcome meeting” a coworker asked why I was there, how I would be helping, etc. My boss was nice about it and in private said that that coworker was upright, but it made me uncomfortable. It can be cliquey at times and some of the others don’t talk to me. I’m not married and don’t have kids. I’m trying to be nice and like my bosses, but I’m worried it’s a bad fit.

    1. NaoNao*

      If it makes you feel better, I had an interview with someone who was super harsh and strict and asked similar questions, and I called my mom after and was like “I’m not getting this job.” Well, I got it and guess what? He’s my cube-mate!
      It took 6 months, but I warmed up to him and saw the good in him (he was an extremely hard worker and a perfectionist, but a good person) and when he moved, I found I really missed him!

      So, first impressions can sometimes change.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The coworker just may be candid.
      The actual problem here is how come the boss did not tell the coworker why you are there and what you would be doing. That should have been laid out before you started.
      This is not really a pot shot at you, it’s a pot shot at the boss.

      Starting jobs is usually a little rough. Hang tough. It will probably get better. Talk with the people who speak to you and say “good morning” to the people who do not speak to you. Absolutely IGNORE the fact they are not speaking to you.

      I started a job where one woman would not talk to me. I have no clue why. I ignored it and I would say good morning, then ignore the fact that she did not answer me. As part of my job I had to ask her questions. Sometimes she’d help and sometimes she would toss her hands up. When she tossed her hands up, I would ask someone else. After a bit, she chilled out and became a friendly face. It took a while for her to come around and I never learned what was up with all that stuff. But at least we got along okay.

  113. Kat*

    Can anyone advise me how to get better at delivering feedback, or how to not mind doing it? I am not a manager but I am the only senior person on my team apart from my manager, so often some tasks relating to people and training fall to me. Part of this is sometimes I have to give feedback to newer members of staff on tasks they are just getting to grips with. Our feedback takes the form of an email to the person with the points listed, so it isn’t even one to one or anything, but for some reason I find that I really don’t like sending that email. I realise how valuable feedback is – after all, it helped me get to where I am now in the company! But even with that knowledge, my own feelings about it are just that I feel I am not really ‘good enough’ to do it. Obviously, I must be to be given the responsibility. But I second-guess myself a lot, and sometimes I will hold off sending the email for a few days until I feel ‘OK’ about it. If it was time sensitive I wouldn’t do this, of course, but it usually isn’t.

    Actually, worse is the fact I now have to give feedback sometimes to a colleague who was my superior when I started (and she used to give *me* feedback!). A combination of leave and jobs changing… but I hate doing that. I always hope she doesn’t think ‘who does she think she is?’

    I guess I just wondered if this is ever a problem for anyone else and how to dig myself out of this silly mindset?

    1. Troutwaxer*

      Remember that feedback is about the behavior, not the person. I write this both prescriptively, as in “make sure the feedback is about the behavior, not the person,” and with a mind towards the idea that if you have a problem with The Person, then we’re into the subject of “discipline” rather than feedback, (and maybe you should loop your manager in.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you let someone fail at their job that is a much worse offense. So start by considering feedback as the lesser of two evils. It would be oh-so-wrong to allow someone to fail, lose their job and then they’d have no food on their table. (Okay, hopefully it would not be that dire. But I tell myself this dire example to help motivate myself.)

      You say that you feel you aren’t good enough to give feedback. Use this to help you. Take an approach of “we are always learning more, heck, I am still learning more”. If you present as a person who can always learn more, then that makes you more approachable. It makes you someone who is receptive to questions and someone who is not threatening if a mistake has happened.

      Allow those you teach to turn and teach you. They will teach you how to present concepts in crystal clear wording. And they do this by asking questions OR by making mistakes that could stem from a statement you made that was ambiguous.

      Watch for common pitfalls. Some mistakes are made by more than one person and come up often. You can craft explanations to help avoid these common errors.

      As far as the former superior, I would take an attitude of service. “I am here to serve. How can I help you now?” It’s just a helpful mindset that I use to get through things that are a little awkward. When she was your supervisor you had to do a good job to support her as a supervisor. Now you have to do a good job to support her in her current job. It’s just a different kind of support that is all. If you combine the service attitude with the always learning things attitude you probably can make a path through this.

  114. Toph*

    I have a colleague who is painfully vague, and it is very frustrating for me because part of her job is to write SOW. Her habit is to basically pick one keyword from the work we’re going to do and use that as the description. For example, let’s say someone requested an elaborate, custom paint design on their teapots. Magenta base with specific tesselated images in alternating blue and green in a specific pattern on the lids, and a different design on the teapot itself, using a non-standard glazing technique. She itemizes this as “Custom Pattern Lids” in the SOW. This bugs me because it’s a scope of work that doesn’t actually indicate the scope of what we’re agreeing to do, and I feel, sets up unnecessary risk should the client later request changes we consider outside the scope of the original agreement. We could use emails to back up our not-in-scope claims but the signed document defining scope is not specific.
    So my questions are: am I overreacting and this vagueness isn’t as bad as I think it is? How do I communicate to her the need to change, politely but directly, making it clear it’s not optional? I am not her supervisor and she is very defensive, but I’m hesistant to bring this to her supervisor mainly because I have a reason to see this issue but the supervisor does not, so if the supervisor were to say “stop doing A and do B instead” it would have had to have been because someone else brought it up. Or is it pointless to be concerned about seeming “tattley” because it is a problem I think the supervisor would care about?

    1. Anna Held*

      Bring it up with your supervisor without mentioning your coworker. Just “Hey, how much detail should we put in? Could we get some guidelines? I’m concerned that we’ll be in trouble if the client does X.” Work out a few templates if given the option. That way, it’s a change, not “Hey colleague! You’re doing it wrong because you’re a lazy slacker!”

      I’d request the guidelines in an email. That way if a client does pull something hinky you’re covered even if your supervisor disagres and thinks something vague about custom patterns is sufficient. Then it’s not your problem any more.

  115. Rena*

    I’ve recently interviewed in my field and three weeks later-nothing. I know this is pretty common and on the other side, three weeks is not a long time. However, the person interviewing me worked at both of my last jobs. The first job-I had been going through an abusive marriage and subsequent divorce(in my very early 20’s) and while I was a pretty good employee, my boss (whom the interviewer knows) I probably wasn’t a stellar one. I still hit the marks but my boss in that job decided not to continue mine (or the other assistants) roles past the school year. The second job-I left on some shaky terms.I was working 70 hours a week and towards the end, things slipped through the cracks and it was a mutual decision for me to leave. I learned how to better communicate with my supervisor to prevent this from happening and for the past three years, I’ve been working in a separate field and have amazing references. I’m leaving of my own choice here due to the salary being low. However, I can’t help that she talked to people in these two jobs who painted a bad picture of me. I have my evaluations to back up my work but I know in this field-people talk. I’ve gone through a really hard road and nobody owes me any breaks, but I cant help but feel I get so far in interviews in this field only to never hear back from them. I feel so disheartened. I’ve been interviewing for a year and I keep hitting the same wall. Any advice, AAM readers?

  116. Aardvark*

    What are the ethics of working after having a (small) amount of alcohol? I work from home and am salaried, so sometimes I’ll do some work in the evenings after dinner. I also occasionally like to have a glass of wine or beer with dinner. Is it unethical to do that if I’m going to be working later that evening? I don’t drink during the workday and it would feel wrong to do so, but if I’m working outside of business hours it seems different somehow? And does it change the balance if it’s flexed time vs extra time?

    1. Snark*

      I wrote half my PhD thesis with a beer next to the mousepad, so maybe I’m a bad person to ask, but unless it’s making you work in irresponsible ways, I don’t see the problem. Like, if you’re hammered and it’s affecting the quality of your work, maybe not, but if you’re just feeling that little warm tickle, I see no problem.

    2. Anlyn*

      Depends on your alcohol tolerance; I have friends who get drunk after one glass of wine, and others who can drink a whole bottle and only feel slightly tipsy.

      I don’t drink while I’m on-call, because I don’t want to jump on a crisis bridge and slur even a little bit. Otherwise, I might have a drink or two after dinner and catch up on some work. As long as I don’t get shit-faced drunk and try to reset a Unix password for a machine ID (heh), think I don’t think it matters.

    3. Bored IT Guy*

      I think, particularly, if you’re working remotely, outside of business hours, and it’s not enough that you’d be drunk or tipsy, I don’t think there’s any harm in that.

    4. FisharenotFriends*

      There are ethics involved if you work in the health care field or in any field where your decisions effect other people, because alcohol effects your judgement.

      If this is is not the case–go for it! Yesterday my entire staff had a goodbye lunch for a retiring co-worker, and the company paid for all of our alcohol. Not only that, we all went back to work afterwords. We work in health care academia, and would NEVER do this during the term, but during term break we are all just doing administrative work.

    5. Zip Zap*

      Look over the work you did after having some alcohol when you’re sober. If you notice a difference, adjust accordingly. I think it’s a “use your judgment” sort of thing.

    7. AdAgencyChick*

      In my industry, this is not even a question. But that’s because at ad agencies the drinking starts IN the office, sometimes at 2 PM on Fridays.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My rule of thumb is if I question it then the answer is probably don’t do it. And this is more to satisfy myself than it is to resolve some greater ethical question. I know that if I do x, I question the ethics of it. So, my answer is that I can’t do x. I have to live with myself.

    9. Observer*

      The only question is how much alcohol and how it affects you. If you are safe to drive then you are safe to work. If you don’t know if you are safe to drive, or you don’t drive even after one drink just to be safe (a good idea!), then you need to know yourself. For most people one beer or one glass of most wines won’t make a difference to work product. In which case, I see nothing unethical about it. If you know that even a sip of alcohol affects you, that’s different, but otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

  117. Virtual job question*

    I’m an assistant to a very important individual in a specific industry, let’s say teapot maker. My boss and I work very closely with teapot designers at a different company on a daily basis (some very high up people ). One of my goals within the next year or so is to find a 100% virtual position so I can travel more and have a more flexible scheduling (this is an option for me and won’t be in my current position). I’ve been looking around at a lot of virtual positions and most of the ones I find I would have to take a good 30-50% pay cut which I would want to avoid. I just discovered today that the teapot designer company has virtual positions which is very exciting because they are a kick ass company and offer competitive salaries and good benefits. My question is, how would I go about applying for a job like this in a year or 2 without totally trampling on my boss? He works very very closely with this company and is VERY well known in the industry.

  118. LQ*

    I got to move! WEEE! (Not actually to a better place by any means, but I think it is good long term.) But the move apparently is causing a whole lot of stir, a lot of people are whispering and talking about what happened. This is the least interesting (though most visible) change in my job duties. I’m not changing who I report to, there isn’t a new job open because I’m leaving, I’m not changing what I’m working on. I’m just physically moving to be nearer the people I am working more closely with (and have been working with for the last 4 months or so). But so many people (who work very closely with me every day) are shocked that my duties have changed, even though I’ve unloaded all my work onto them! It’s strange. I did tell a coworker that she should start spreading outrageous rumors to see what sticks.

    But I’m getting all set up in the new space.

    What do you do to counter act change stress at work (for yourself, or I suppose others)?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Self care is huge, because usually that is the first thing we neglect. Rest, hydrate, eat good full meals and exercise if possible.

      Next I would be very clear to those around me what is happening and how it’s being handled. Send emails if possible.

  119. Charlotte*

    I’ve received two job offers–one formal, one “you are our top choice and we will tell you for sure on Wednesday”. Both of them are through agents. The formal offer people want to know ASAP but it’s a bank holiday weekend here so I’ve told the agent I will think about it.

    Both agents know I have another option, but I just checked my phone a few minutes before work ended and saw I had a call from the formal offer company directly. They didn’t leave a message. Is this normal?

  120. Sadie Doyle*

    I saw a job listing today that requires a master’s degree but has an hourly pay rate that’s several dollars below what my company pays our just-out-of-high-school interns.

    I understand that leaving my current position for one in my field will necessitate a pay cut, but that’s just depressing.

    2. Snark*

      Employers are still only just now getting the memo that in a tight employment market, you can’t offer crappy pay and still reel in the applicants.

      1. krysb*

        This. And they’re going to cry about how they can’t find candidates for positions until they man up and pay up. I feel like some organizations willfully ignore the market when it goes against their interests. They’re also the companies that will avoid paying market rates for current employees, as well.

    3. SQL Coder Cat*

      That’s why I changed fields the first time- I got a 20% raise taking a job requiring only a high school diploma from my job that required a master’s degree in a biological science. I liked doing medical research, but I like being able to pay my bills more.

    4. Overeducated*

      That’s why I am thinking of leaving a field I love. The nonprofit sector pays worse for people with MAs than Costco, there’s a hiring freeze in federal government, and good luck getting one of the 2 state or academic jobs that open up every year. It makes me sad but you gotta pay the bills.

  121. arg*

    Hi all,

    I know Allison has written about bossy co-workers in the past, and I’ve used some of the boundary-setting statements I saw in that post (“I’ve got it covered; thanks!) with a co-worker on my team. This person, Chris, is socially pleasant (meaning she’s pleasant when not talking about work), intelligent, and does good work that is valued. However, Chris lacks soft skills such as tact, flexibility, respect towards others, a kind tone, and emotional control, and has caused conflict with several people on my team, myself included. I’ve been with this team for one year; my other co-workers have been here for several years, as has the problem person. My manager warned me in my first week that Chris is prickly.

    Chris has a habit of being teacherly, overly instructive, and micro-managey to other team members who are doing the same job. After a year of this, I said something about it to her this week. I mentioned an email that she sent to me that had this tone, and I said, “I just wanted to tell you that I don’t need this level of instruction, but thank you.” She smirked at me while I was saying this, and I felt like I was not being taken seriously.

    However, my manager has told me that she’s had several talks with Chris lately about her tone and about respecting others. (This has resulted in sharp uptick in smiley faces and exclamation points in emails from this Chris.) I think that caused Chris to reconsider this interaction, and she stopped by my desk later to apologize if I took her bossy email “the wrong way.” She said she didn’t mean to be condescending. I appreciated that. However. She kept talking, and said, “That’s just the way we do it here. We help each other out because we care about each other and look out for each other.” I mentioned that I would not have given others this level of instruction, and then I said, “I’m not really getting that level of instruction from others.” (Also, the thing she told me to do is something I’ve been doing for a year without errors.)

    She responded by going back to her desk, packing up her stuff, and leaving the building (after being at work for about 2 hours). She logged in from home and continued to work. (I know this wasn’t scheduled because my manager told me Chris told her she was leaving without an explanation and seemed upset.)

    I’m completely at a loss here. I like this job, and I love my team, manager, and director, but this person is seriously bringing me down and making work difficult. I feel shocked that she actually left work because of this interaction. My manager has told me that my co-workers used to have “serious” problems with this person (to the point that my manager told me this co-worker treated others in “shocking” ways over multiple years), but they’ve learned how to interact with her, and she’s trying to remember how that happened. (My other co-workers actively complain about her to me, but they are friendly to her in person.) My manager told me that they are trying to strip away duties from Chris’ job so she interacts with others less, and she asked me to give her a few weeks to make things better. (She mentioned team building activities.)

    The thing is, Chris has been here for several years. I feel like if she was going to be let go, it would have happened already? My manager is very sweet and is talented at being extremely patient and developing people, and I think she is trying to support Chris. She told me she doesn’t want to lose me. I said I’m happy here, but it’s hard to imagine dealing with this for years.

    I don’t want to leave, but I fear this person will never be let go, and I’m wary that she can change much. One of my other co-workers told me “They have a talk with her, and she gets better for awhile, and then things go back to how they were.”

    Earlier I mentioned that I said “I’ve got it covered; thanks!” to Chris once. She responded by becoming angry with me, went to my manager, and told her I seem overloaded and stressed out. (!) Neither was true, and I had to explain that to my manager. I haven’t trusted this co-worker since, and things are not good between us.

    I’m the first new hire in several years. My manager said she is concerned that we’re hiring two more new people, and that they might also have conflicts with this person. Is this an example of a superstar holding a team hostage? Or management that is too nice? Or maybe someone with a mental health challenge that she’s disclosed and is protected because of it?

    I told my manager that I’d be up for meeting with Chris 1-on-1 to make it right, but I dread that, and I’m not sure she’s really capable of change. Arg.

    1. fposte*

      It’s an example of a manager not managing. Chris sulked so hard she literally packed up and went home, for heaven’s sake, and the manager is baring her soul and gossiping and worrying about new people to you rather than actually handling Chris.

      I mean, I can see the value in telling you to shrug it off–that’s what I as a manager would tell you to do with emails that feel overly instructy as long as they don’t ask you to do anything. I’d also suggest you to discourage the bitching about Chris from your co-workers, because that makes the situation worse, not better. However, I would also let yourself firmly off the hook for Chris’ overreaction now and in the future. You don’t have to pander to the trouble child to be a decent co-worker.

      Since your manager won’t manage this, I’d say ignore the teacherly crap generally, and cut it off conversationally if it’s taking time that should be spent on actual work; stop talking about “how Chris is” with your co-workers. This is about you reclaiming real estate, not changing Chris, so there’s no need to have conversations about this with her; just shrink her role in your life and your brain.

      1. NW Mossy*

        Yup, your boss needs to start managing this behavior from Chris. It sounds like your boss’s hope is that the team will adapt to Chris rather than the other way around, and that’s entirely backwards. fposte’s advice is solid about what you should do, but I do kind of want to give your boss a kick in the shin. As someone who’s inherited brilliant jerks and had to be the one to finally call out the behavior, it’s become abundantly clear to me that passive “solutions” are a disservice to the manager, the team, and the employee.

      2. arg*

        >>You don’t have to pander to the trouble child to be a decent co-worker.
        I think I’ve been doing this. I the one who suggested meeting with Chris 1-on-1 to try to fix things, but probably this is not fixable (beyond me taking your advice about ignoring some comments and shrinking her role in my life (great way to put it).

        Thanks.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Don’t meet one-on-one with Chris.

          She’s one of that special breed of blunty people who is all about ‘honest communication’ and being straight with people, right up until the exact second she’s on the receiving end. The problem here isn’t that she lacks social skills. It’s that she doesn’t care to have them, but expects others to have them when dealing with her.

          And yes, this is an example of spineless management. Since your manager apparently doesn’t do pushback, maybe it’s worth having the one on one with her? “My understanding is that Chris isn’t going to change and has no reason to, since there have never been any consequences for her behavior. I fully expect that the new people are going to have similar problems, and it may contribute to turnover.”

          No need to mention ‘turnover’ may well include you finding a better job.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          You can’t fix this.
          She does not see a problem, so in her mind there is nothing to fix.

        3. Observer*

          If you can rescind that suggestion, please do.

          There is nothing for you to “make right”. fposte is right. Beyond that, even if you had been rude, her response is so over the top that it just makes it impossible to “make right.” That kind of reaction to what you actually said? This is absolutely about her flexing her muscle. Don’t give in to that if you can help it.

          I totally agree with fposte on the rest of her comment as well.

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      I don’t think you can change her. You can only change how you react to her, and possibly induce your boss to manage her, although my hopes are not high for a manager who has allowed someone who stomps out of the office when she’s mad and runs to her complaining about colleagues, to stay.

      I think the best you can do for yourself is continue to politely shut her down with “I’ve got this covered, thank you,” and given that she had a flip out the last time you did that, combine that with going to your boss and presenting it as an “I need help getting my work done” problem. “I’m frustrated because I’m capable of doing this work as long as I’m not interrupted, but I keep getting interrupted by Chris and then I have to spend time managing the situation instead of getting my work done.”

      If you take the emotion out of it and make it into an “I message” that might help your boss see what you need to happen in order to get things done, rather than think of it as blaming Chris.

      It also doesn’t matter what’s causing your boss to keep her around, really. Does it make your life any different if Chris is still there because she’s covered by the ADA or because your boss is a wuss at managing?

      1. arg*

        Yeah, it doesn’t matter why, you’re right. I guess I’m trying to figure out what might happen, but probably what’s going to happen is what is happening–not much.

        “I have to spend time managing the situation instead of getting my work done” — I like this.

    3. INeedANap*

      Honestly, I think you just need to let go of any feelings of responsibility for Chris or Chris’s feelings.

      If Chris flounced out of work because you politely set reasonable boundaries with her – that’s not your problem. I think you should just let her behave like that without wasting time or energy thinking about her reaction. In other words, after your interactions with her – just put her out of your mind.

      Be an emotionless, broken record when it comes to Chris. If she’s micromanaging, just respond: “Thanks, I’ve got it covered” and move on. Feel free to turn away from her and back to your work if she’s trying to extend the interaction with micromanaging. Additionally, if you know it would be okay with your boss, just feel free to ignore whatever she’s including in e-mails to you that you don’t need. If she sends you an e-mail telling you the teapot should be red, and here’s ten pages of instructions on how to paint it – just ignore the instructions and respond, “Okay, red teapot. Thanks!”

      I wouldn’t suggest meeting with Chris. With a personality like that, there’s nothing you can do to make it right.

      1. Snark*

        Yeah. This is a Chris problem. Establish boundaries. They’re reasonable ones. Nobody wants or needs to be lectured like a slow child by a work peer. You’re totally allowed to draw a reasonable line. If she needs to take her ball and play somewhere else to cope with that, that is 100% her row to hoe. And everybody recognizes that.

      2. arg*

        >>here’s ten pages of instructions on how to paint it – just ignore the instructions and respond, “Okay, red teapot. Thanks!”

        I like the short, upbeat reply, and the emotionless broken record tactics–thanks.

    4. Snark*

      Funny, I have a Chris in my professional past, too – almost a carbon copy. There’s really no way to deal with this type in a constructive fashion, because they’ve got a lot wrapped up in being The Competent One Who Teaches and they get angry and sulk (as you’ve seen) when they’re not permitted to treat someone that way. Which is good news, because there’s no way to shut them down with offending them, so might as well just head it off at the pass. I suggest something like the following:

      “Chris, I realize this is coming from a good place, but I really don’t need this level of instruction, ever. I’ll let you know if I need something.”

      “Chris, I know you’re coming from a helpful place, but the tone you’re adopting makes it sound like you’re giving me a lecture. I’ve got it handled, and if I need anything, I’ll let you know.”

      “Chris, I realize you’re coming from a helpful place here, but I’m finding your tone a bit condescending and I’m familiar with [task] already, so I’ll let you know if I’ve got specific questions.”

      And honestly? I think you can say, “Chris, got it covered, don’t need the lecture.” If she goes and complains, you can tell your boss, “Hey, Chris seems to think that brushing her off when she tries to lecture me means I’m stressed out, and I just want you to know, that’s not it, I just don’t really need or want the micromanagement in that moment. Just so you know going forward.”

      1. arg*

        Thanks for the scripts. I think prefacing these statements with “I realize this is coming from a good place” is a good tip. Although for now, I’m going to lie low and just ignore the micromanagement (and yep, lectures. We all get those in spades.)

        >>The Competent One Who Teaches

        Such a great description! Sorry you had to deal with this in the past.

    5. MicroManagered*

      Some personality types literally can’t hear anything remotely critical without it feeling like an actual attack. I think that’s where Chris’s “leave for the day” response came from.

      You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds like you were very calm and diplomatic.

      If you like the job, I’d wait and see what Chris does after this. Sometimes when people like this learn their games don’t work on someone, they knock it off–or tone it back somewhat.

      1. arg*

        >>If you like the job, I’d wait and see what Chris does after this. Sometimes when people like this learn their games don’t work on someone, they knock it off–or tone it back somewhat.

        I hope you’re right. I feel tired and done with this situation, so I’m going to go into ignore mode no matter what happens.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      That’s just the way we do it here. We help each other out because we care about each other and look out for each other.”

      “Chris you are the only one doing it to this degree.”
      “Chris, I do not want this level of help. If I need something specific I will ask.”
      “Chris, people who care about each other chose their wording carefully.”

      Honestly, if she is going to fly home every time you say something, then I would just keep saying something. But that is me.

      Your manager can’t manage. She does not know how. She is using her workplace to rehab or teach remedial skills to ONE individual at the expense of everyone else there.

      What Boss does not realize is that it’s not within a boss’ right to volunteer their subordinates to work on a remedial level with someone to help that person. Your boss gave away something that she has no right to give away. (She gave away her subordinate’s say/autonomy in deciding that they are willing to take on the additional work of special training for this individual.) Additionally, remedial training is not a service your company offers.

      Do not worry about the new hires. They are adults. Just like you they have to find a path through this. And truly speaking this is the boss’ worry not yours. So don’t absorb other people’s worry for them. Just figure out what you will do and how you want to handle your own situation.

      FWIW, I think your boss is spineless. Chris basically abandoned her job when she walked out like that. And the boss just let her. noooooo.

  122. FisharenotFriends*

    I’m interviewing for tech jobs, with a relevant degree pending and administrative experience. Anyone have any tips for me?

    1. Christina at Resume Renovations*

      Focus on the “tech” part of your job, and minimize the administrative experience, if you put it on there at all. Add a skills section. Tweak the resume for each job to highlight the skills they need/want. Good luck!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      It’s okay to admit what you don’t know. And they’ll likely care more about how you can handle things than what certifications you have. Just be honest.

  123. Lalaith*

    I submitted this question to Alison about a month ago, so I’m guessing it’s not still in the queue? If it is, I’m sorry! Anyway, here goes:

    I was in the same tech position for 6 years. About 3 years ago, my company was acquired by another company which, honestly, was never a great fit for me. They just don’t really do the sort of work that I do. So since then I’ve been staying afloat with work from the clients that we brought with us, but not getting any new projects. One by one our old clients have been leaving, until there just isn’t enough work that it makes sense to keep me on, and I’ve basically been laid off. I know, I should have left a long time ago, and I don’t really have a good reason why I didn’t. My skills have been stagnating for about half the time I’ve been in this position, and I don’t have experience with a lot of the new and interesting tech in my field.

    Now that I’m really actively job-searching, I’m afraid that the length of time I’ve been doing this job is making me look like I have more experience than I do. I’m going to apply for more junior-level positions, but how can I convey in my cover letter and interviews that what looks like 6 years of experience is really more like 3? Is there even a way I can do that without looking bad? (I am going to be learning whatever I can in my time off, but that doesn’t equate to real-world experience).

    1. Anna Held*

      You DO have 6 years’ experience, though. Don’t oversell your skills. If you get an interview, craft some questions that can probe exactly what level the company is interested in. After all, lots of job ads are written by HR or are recycled or something and aren’t an exact match anyway. Apply to the jobs you want, be honest, and let the company decide if your skill level matches their needs.

      You’ll probably see lots of “3-5 years” anyway — that’s pretty standard, and it’s understandable why someone with a bit more would still apply. If it’s at 2-3 years and you really want that job, address why you’d be a great fit in the cover letter.

    2. JulieBulie*

      You have six years of experience in your position. Not three, not four, not five. Don’t sell yourself short based on the fact that some of those years were not challenging. If we had to discount every moment that wasn’t challenging, most of us would look be considered novices.

      Apply to jobs that you’re qualified for, based on the skills they ask for. There is no need to apply to junior level positions if you meet the criteria for a higher level job. Not unless you enjoy working below your capacity and earning less pay.

      (On the other hand, if you don’t have the required skills, then applying for junior level jobs probably won’t help you.)

  124. Good Eats*

    Hey, all! Happy Friday. <3 Please note that my comment (and subsequent ones) will touch briefly on disordered eating. Feel free to skip.

    I'm in the running for my dream job (yay!) and I was just informed that the next and final phase of the interview process will be a lunch with potential colleagues. As someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, this is HUGELY stressful to hear. I don't feel comfortable going into too much detail, but any information on what I should expect would be helpful! Is my food order going to be judged? Can I get away with ordering something very light/not a full meal, or do I have to conform to what everyone else is eating?

    1. Manders*

      Oof, what a stressful situation to be in during an interview. I highly doubt anyone’s going to notice and judge your food choices–and if anyone does say something negative, that’s a sign that you don’t want to be working with these people. Try to think of it as you interviewing them and take note of their lunch behavior. Can they get through a meal without feeling the need to remark on what other people are eating, to say that certain foods are virtuous or sinful, etc.?

    2. Lily Rowan*

      Unless the people interviewing you are terrible people (always a slight possibility), your food order will not be judged. And as the person being interviewed, it should make sense to them if you order something light and easy to eat while talking, since you will likely be doing a lot of the talking. I would recommend just ordering what you want without comment — odds are good no one else will notice.

      Good luck!!

    3. CheeryO*

      Ugh, my sympathies! I have somewhat of a history with anxiety and disordered eating, and I had a lunch interview as part of a day-long interview process a few years ago. I ordered a normal-sized dish and picked at it the best that I could, but I still ended up with a very full plate at the end and was really embarrassed by it. If I had to do it again, I would try to go with something smaller. Luckily the two women who were interviewing me were very understanding when I said that I had a nervous stomach. I ended up getting an offer (although I turned it down for other reasons), so it couldn’t have made too much of an impact!

    4. Jaguar*

      I doubt what you order or don’t order will be noted. Without knowing more about the specific industry and contexts surrounding it, this is a thing where any level of thinking is overthinking it.

    5. Fenchurch*

      Hooray for you on the interview!
      One thing I think everyone should know: people pay way less attention to you than you might expect. They will not read into you eating light, or if they do a simple “eh, wasn’t too hungry” should satisfy any concern/curiosity.

      Don’t worry about feeling the pressure to eat what everyone else is eating, they don’t care.

    6. H.C.*

      I think it’s fine if you order a lighter-than-usual meal, but you should probably pace your eating to your colleagues/interviewers (i.e. not finish super early and thumb-twiddling while your potential colleagues are still halfway through their lunch.)

      And unless you order something really out of the norm (e.g. lots of customizations, the most expensive thing on the menu) – I don’t think anyone will pay attention to your lunch order.

    7. Murphy*

      Unless you’re with some really weird people, I don’t think anyone would pay too much attention to what you ordered.

      If you order something light, and anyone has any thought about it at all, I think they would probably assume a) you’re nervous and you don’t want to eat too much or b) that since (presumably) they’re paying, you’re trying to order something small. But I still don’t think anyone will pay that much attention. Good luck!

    8. Bye Academia*

      I wanted to chime to say it’s pretty normal for candidates not to eat much during an interview. When I was interviewing for the job I have now, I only ordered a chicken caesar salad and was so nervous I barely had an appetite. Plus I was answering questions the whole time, so I didn’t want to be constantly shoveling food into my mouth. Even though what you are eating looms in your mind, I doubt your interviewers will take much notice. They’ll have seen all eating styles before. Just order what you will feel the most comfortable eating, and eat as much or as little as you want.

      If they ask something like “are you sure you don’t want anything else?”, it is mostly likely because they want to make sure you’re taken care of and because the meal is getting expensed. Not because they are judging you. If you brush it off with a breezy “I’m all set, I usually have light lunches!” or something they won’t think anything of it.

    9. Good Eats OP*

      Thank you SO much for the responses!! This really makes me feel leagues better about the situation. I realize I was getting too caught up in my own thoughts/anxieties, so this helped. Much appreciated!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I found really good articles on the net about what not to order when eating while interviewing. The one I remember is don’t order spaghetti. It’s too easy to end up with it down the front of you and this is not the time or place you want to have that happen.

        I’d order something simple to eat. Nothing with onions or garlic. I’d also let them order first so I could get an idea of how I could order and fit in a little bit. Usually, I pick something smaller than what they have picked.

        If you know ahead of time where you are going maybe you can find the menu online and pick a couple of likely choices before you go to the interview.

  125. CitiGirl*

    Sorry to change the subject so abruptly, but is anyone here facing the threat of Hurricane Harvey? I’m here in San Antonio, and we are definitely bracing for flooding rains. My heart goes out to those further south and on the coastal regions of Texas and Louisiana. It’s going to be a rough weekend. Please everyone, stay safe!!!

    1. Sylvan*

      There will just be rain where I live, but I wanted to comment here to say – stay safe! I’ll be thinking of all of you close to the hurricane.

    2. Future Analyst*

      I’m in Houston, and will probably escape to Dallas for the weekend. We just moved here from Dallas a month ago, so we have no idea how to prepare/how much to freak out. :|

  126. Fenchurch*

    Finally getting some traction on my work. I have an interview on Monday for an internal position that is two steps up from where I am currently! AH!

    Regardless of if I get it, I was also just told that I have been approved for a promotion in my current area!

    Everything’s coming up great for me this week, and I’m so grateful.

    1. Augusta Sugarbean*

      Hurrah! Good luck with your interview. I’m sure it will help to know you have the promotion in your back pocket.

  127. My Cat Posted This For Me*

    Anyone experienced with dealing with difficult faculty members?

    I’m in communications at a unit in a large public university. I’ve got one faculty member who is a professional victim-bully. No matter what you do for her, it’s not enough—and we have gone so far above and beyond for her it’s ridiculous and beyond what any other faculty member gets. And yet she complains frequently that her team is always excluded and that the unit does nothing for her. She once actually said that in a meeting I was attending as a favor to her that “Unit A does nothing for me!” and I said in surprise “But I’m sitting right here!” One staff member got sucked into being her friend and the faculty member will relentlessly text her about work, complaining bitterly about not being treated well enough. Her most recent request to me was 1) ridiculous 2) something that would be most easily solved by her with zero effort and 3) not in my job area even if 1 and 2 were not the case. My poor coworker got a lot of texts about that.

    The other faculty member is newer and recently asked for a particular service we wouldn’t normally provide, something she should have handled for herself and out of her own budget. She’s doing hot new research and we do need to promote her work, so we’re willing to go the extra mile for her. But when either my supervisor or I asked for details before committing to doing it (what do you need and when do you need it by?), she immediately said she’d couldn’t deal with this delay and would pay an outside vendor to do it. At that point I would have said, “Okay!” and let it go. But my supervisor was nervous about offending her and said we’d pay for the vendor if it was in our budget, so just let us know the cost. The faculty member never followed up, then complained later in a hallway conversation with my supervisor about how she’d had to pay for it. Then she told my supervisor that other faculty members had complained about the level of service they receive from me specifically. That is ridiculous. Not only have I been extremely responsive and helpful to this person, but I actually have a great track record with our faculty in general anyway.

    With both of these faculty members there is pretty much no additional level of service or responsiveness that I can offer, and I don’t say that lightly. I feel like both have moved into the area of ridiculousness, asking for things that are just inappropriate, not possible, and kind of weird, like it’s more about power than an actual need.

    In this kind of situation back when I was working with clients as a freelancer, or working with coworkers who were bordering on bullying behavior, my instinct is to say that actually they’ve gotten TOO MUCH service, and we need to back off. Their expectations have become unrealistic and we should slow down the responses, do a little less, and adjust things back to a reasonable level. After all, it doesn’t matter what we do, it’s not enough for them and never will be, and it’s more than we can reasonably provide and still do our other work. And I think that too much kowtowing to people like this just encourages them. To be clear, this is a subtle shift, not something overt or stated and it’s all done politely. “Glad to help, you can have it Tuesday,” “Sorry you can’t wait on that, hope it goes well and we can help you next time,” “I don’t handle that, let me connect you with the business office,” “There’s no budget for that unfortunately but we’ll let you know if that changes,” etc. No obsequiousness, no cringing, no handwringing, no big apologies when you have nothing to apologize for. Just calm limit setting.

    But the power dynamic here means that my boss is unwilling to take this approach, and even I can’t say it’s the right thing to do.

    Anybody got any experience they can share?

    1. A Non E. Mouse*

      But the power dynamic here means that my boss is unwilling to take this approach, and even I can’t say it’s the right thing to do.

      What approach is your boss advocating for? I don’t see one (I see yours, which is actually what I’d suggest – if I can’t make someone happy, I’ll quit trying and just do my job as it relates to them).

      If your boss has no preferred approach, can you two at least agree on *an* approach? My guess would be that any active attempt at managing the situation is better than allowing it to perpetuate itself. I’ve seen these type situations become nearly sentient, they get so thick!

      1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

        My boss has been interesting on this. She’s not very experienced so I do a lot of managing up. Because we’re understaffed (I’m actually the only comms person) we’ve had a lot of talks about how to manage my unmanageable workload. For weeks whenever I’d bring up workload problems, she’d essentially say I needed to say no to faculty, which isn’t reasonable as I need to maintain good relationships with them and except for these two people, no one else gives me anything but quick and easy requests. So when faculty member #2 was really unreasonable recently, I expected her to set firm limits, maybe even more than I would have. But instead she completely rolled over and even agreed to pay for this vendor without confirming the amount first! I guess it was easy for her to say that I should just say no…until she had to do it once. So, not much guidance there. Even in her follow-ups I feel like she’s responding to faculty member #2 with explanations for our “poor service” instead of clarifying that actually, we have provided excellent service. It’s weird. And I’ve been hesitant to push my approach too hard because I’m new to academia and maybe it’s not a good idea.

    2. Murphy*

      This is so common. I definitely deal with similar issues.

      With both, I’d document all of your interactions. Copy your supervisor on emails if necessary. Have very clear written policies that you can point them to so that you can be really clear about what you can and cannot do…and know that they’re still probably going to be unreasonable. I work with a lot of faculty. There are a lot of great ones, and there are a lot of squeaky wheels.

      An ultimately, you and your boss need to discuss what to do. He may want you to bend over backwards for someone, and you may just have to do it when possible. (Obviously you can’t create budget where there is none.)

      1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

        I’m a documenter, so yes, I’m covering that and may consider upping my game where possible. But we don’t have clear written policies and don’t have much explicit support from our dean about how to approach this. I’m hoping the most recent interaction will trigger some dean support.

    3. College Admin*

      I work at a university but fortunately, most of my experiences with faculty members have been positive. Can you talk to other faculty? Like get advice from another faculty member that you have a good relationship with? Maybe they can help you understand the context where this person might be coming from, or they can tell that yes, she’s being ridiculous and all of the other professors know it too. I don’t know if this is actually a good idea, but maybe your boss could have a general meeting with the department chair, where they lay out what services your office provides and get clarity on what the expectations are?

      1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

        I do worry a bit about talking to other faculty as it’s such a gossipy place. I did get some context from a faculty member in an unrelated conversation, however, where she indicated in general that our faculty expects levels of staff support that were unheard of at her past university. I passed that along to my supervisor as I found it really useful context. So yeah, you’re right, that kind of thing is really helpful. I know it was a relief for me to hear that we’re actually doing pretty well despite how it may feel from my perspective.

        We have a dean, not department chair, but yes, I agree it would be good for my supervisor to meet with her on it. Maybe I can get myself into that meeting as well because supervisor isn’t a great advocate. She’s approaching things very apologetically when we haven’t done anything wrong. I think a strategic apology can work wonders even when you have nothing to apologize for, but that’s not what she’s doing.

    4. Fishcakes*

      I worked at a law school with a number of extremely demanding faculty members. You have to set up firm boundaries immediately and enforce them consistently (just like when you were freelancing), because they will push and push and push. Unfortunately, if your boss doesn’t have your back, there’s not much you can do because they will go around you and push your boss to get what they want.

      1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

        Good context, thanks. Like I said, I’ve done a lot of managing up. So if I feel confident that my approach makes sense, I’ll start working on that. And you make me feel more confident. :)

        It helps that we have a newish dean who is a lot more dynamic than our old one and who values my work area (and me, so far). I feel like she’ll back us up if supervisor asks for it. And then setting boundaries will be more effective.

  128. LawBee*

    Just wanted to drop in a THANK YOU to everyone on this site, commenters and Alison herself. Thanks to the archives and excellent commentariat, I was prepared and ready to ask my boss for a raise – which I then got! And more than I expected!

    Advocate for yourselves! (especially you women!)

    3. Competent Commenter*

      That’s great! Wow, it’s so hard to do that. Good for you! AAM is the reason I asked for and got more money when I started my current job. I absolutely wouldn’t have tried otherwise. Alison and the commenters are so great.

    1. Beancounter Eric*

      From NOAA:
      Key Messages:

      1. Harvey is expected to be a major hurricane when it makes landfall
      tonight, bringing life-threatening storm surge, rainfall, and wind
      hazards to portions of the Texas coast. Preparations should be
      rushed to completion in the warning areas as tropical-storm-force
      winds are arriving on the coast, and conditions will continue to
      deteriorate through the rest of today and tonight.

      2. A Storm Surge Warning is in effect for much of the Texas coast.
      Life-threatening storm surge flooding could reach heights of 6 to 12
      feet above ground level at the coast between the north entrance of
      the Padre Island National Seashore and Sargent. For a depiction of
      areas at risk, see the Storm Surge Watch/Warning Graphic at
      hurricanes.gov. Due to the slow motion of Harvey and a prolonged
      period of onshore flow, water levels will remain elevated for
      several days.

      3. Catastrophic and life-threatening flooding is expected across the
      middle and upper Texas coast from heavy rainfall of 15 to 25 inches,
      with isolated amounts as high as 35 inches, through Wednesday.
      Please refer to products from your local National Weather Service
      office and the NOAA Weather Prediction Center for more information
      on the flooding hazard.
      -end-

  130. Willow Suns*

    I finally got a new position. I accepted a lateral transfer to a different work division, but it’s with a raise, and I can walk to work (at least, when it’s not 20 below with ice on the ground). No more having to deal with the well-meaning but incompetent coworker, and also no more having to deal with the crabby lady. Hopefully also, this means no more rude people making comments on food as well. I’ll be getting about 50 minutes of exercise daily in my commute.

    1. Willow Sunstar*

      Hmm, not sure why it’s cutting off my name. Is it just using the iPad, or do we suddenly have to come up with a shorter name?

  131. Lily Rowan*

    I went to HR to report a colleague, and it went well!

    There’s a senior person here (let’s say Barb) who I believe is well-meaning, but has no filter and says the most inappropriate things. So this week she said one of them to my direct report, who came to me fuming. I have been feeling bad for months about not saying anything about classic microaggression I overheard from Barb once, so this gave me the impetus to do something. I wasn’t sure what to do, because talking to her directly seemed scary and reaching out to her supervisor felt more aggressive than I wanted to be, given the levels of people involved. So I went to HR! The HR person was GREAT, totally validated everything I was saying, and offered to talk to Barb’s supervisor herself. I believe the supervisor has since spoken with Barb, but I haven’t heard anything back (they kept my name out of it, but I was willing to be public if need be).

    I doubt anything will really change with Barb, but I have hope that she may start to at least think twice once in a while!

  132. BadPlanning*

    At lunch time yesterday, I saw a man and woman leaving one of our common areas holding hands. I work at a large enough company, that it isn’t uncommon for SOs to both work here and sometimes meet for a walk/lunch/etc. But the only ones I’ve seen holding hands is when 1 person was vision impaired.

    Hey, I thought, maybe one of them came in for a visit (doesn’t happen a lot as we’re access controlled, so you have to get a pass). Somehow if your SO doesn’t work there, it seems less odd hold hands at work.

    Today, they were eating lunch at a booth and they were sitting smushed together, so close that it almost looked like she was sitting on his lap.

    I don’t know them, so I don’t have anyway to say, “Um, yeah, that’s fine for outside of work, but not so great inside of work.”

    1. H.C.*

      I’d just avert my gaze and leave it alone; some couples are just more into PDAs than others. Holding hands and sitting close to one another during downtimes generally don’t rise to the level of calling them out on it, unless clients are present or it’s a particularly conservative workplace/industry.

  133. Burner for the day*

    I ignored a bunch of red flags and took a really bad job without realizing it. The salary was good and my dad said he was proud of me when I showed him the offer letter. I had been stuck in a dead end job for 6 years before this. My dad said he was “worried” about me for the past few years, but getting this job showed him that I am going to be okay. Yeah, a woman in her 30s shouldn’t crave approval, but who wouldn’t want their parents to be proud of them? So I ignored that the job had been posted in various forms for a few years. I ignored bad reviews on Glassdoor. I ignored the low PTO and bad work-life balance. I thought I could be okay with all of that for a good salary. The main issue? My boss hates me. Moreover, she has hated everyone in this position and every temp they had fill it. There’s also a re-occurring “paint the roses red” problem where I keep finding huge deviations between what she says is happening, what is happening, and what she wants. I keep getting pulled into impossible projects and blamed for not being able to transform poop into gold. I have only been here 2 months and have no PTO, so job searching is a no go. Does anyone have any advice?

    1. Red lines with wine*

      Quit. 2 months is a small gap to leave on your resume. A toxic boss will wreak havoc on your mental health. No pay is worth that.

      1. Burner for the day*

        Unfortunately, I live in a very expensive city and would not be able to miss even one paycheck. I would love to quit and find a new position, but I’m not sure how to pull something like that off without resigning from my current job first.

        Does anyone have advice for working with a boss who is famous for hating their team?

        1. neverjaunty*

          There is no way to work for a boss like this.

          Apply for other jobs. If you get an interview, fake a sick day.

    2. miyeritari*

      If you can afford it, quit. You could even leave this off your resume entirely and just say you’ve been job searching the whole time to any new potential employers.

    4. Observer*

      Start applying. If something looks good and they can’t accommodate your schedule, take unpaid time.

  134. Anon For This - Do over needed*

    Did you ever end up interviewing someone and they bring up some information that makes you feel icky because it’s discrimination territory?

    Like their marital status? Parental status? Religion? And then you engage in that information but realize you maybe shouldn’t have because it could appear as if it influenced your hiring decision even if it didn’t? Even if it was the interviewee who started down that path?

    Forget feeling like a failed manager, sometimes I feel like a failed interviewer.

    1. Lily Rowan*

      It happens all the time, so just be conscious of it next time, and try to engage less. Also be conscious of your notes and how the reflect the things that are actually relevant in the decision-making process. So literally don’t write down “1 yr old, wife works long hours” because you can’t use that to decide! If you can refocus the conversation on job requirements, you could write, “said he can’t work at our monthly evening events.”

      But really, don’t feel like a failure! You are human.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      No advice, just sharing a story.

      My manager was interviewing a candidate and we decided we would hire the guy. Background check came back and he had really horrible credit (he was applying for a bank position working with cash). My manager called him back in to talk about it because he really wanted to hire him. I attended the meeting. I really wanted to hide under the table because he asked the candidate what church he attends, as well as some other personal questions about marriage, his debts, etc., as a way to get more comfort in hiring him. The candidate physically cringed. I guess my manager was satisfied he would be OK, so we hired him. He turned out to be a disaster: lots of complaints from the tellers (he was hired as the teller manager) and customers, some really weird incidents, and eventually theft. Obviously, we fired him within about 8 months.

    3. Zip Zap*

      I’ve never interviewed anyone, but this would be a small red flag for me. I’ve worked with people who constantly talk about their marriage, their kids, stuff like that. Not in a friendly, conversational way. More like, “Look at me! I’m so special! I’m married and have kids! Let me tell you about my partner’s great job and how amazing our kids are!” It is absolutely obnoxious and inconsiderate. I’d worry they were going to be this type of co-worker.

      1. Anna Held*

        Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s actually ok to ask about marriage, etc. You just can’t hire based on it. So anyone with an ounce of sense avoids the verboten personal topics because you don’t want to be accused of discrimination — better to avoid it altogether. DEFINITELY avoid it in your notes and paper trail. But if it comes up organically that someone is married or whatever it may be, it’s not actually a problem.

        I can see a newbie not knowing the rules, or someone who grew up in a small community or only worked for small family firms where they didn’t have a proper HR being used to discussing such issues, because they don’t know how things are done. If they can’t make it through a job interview without showing pics of the kids or mentioning how Jesus is their Lord and Savior, I’d listen to Zip Zap. Unless of course you work at a church!

    4. Student*

      In my field, men tend to get a “marriage bonus” while women get a “marriage penalty” in salary. Some of the men know this. They talk about their families in job interviews and promotion discussions because they know the information will either give them favorable consideration, or it won’t factor in at all. They have nothing to lose. I’ve seen it work for them.

      Some of the folks also know there are certain religions more popular here than others, and will include tidbits that indicate their religious affiliation on their resume in the hopes of getting some hiring bonus consideration. I’ve seen that work, too.

      I’m sure there are some people who bring it up less because they want the favoritism their status brings and more out of trying to break the ice. I know there are plenty of applicants who don’t play this kind of game at all. I wish none of them did it, and I wish more that our interviewers were more wise to these simple tactics.

  135. Lunchy*

    I have a dilemma I’d like some opinions on.
    I’m temping at Teapot Taxes, and have been since April. The work is sort of interesting, but there are fun activities, I’ve made a close friend there, and the pay is pretty good. My contract is up in September, but my supervisor has requested to have it renewed, because even though I still make mistakes, she says it really takes 6mos to a year to “get it”, and she thinks I have a lot of potential. Nothing has been said about it being approved.

    Today I get a voicemail from a recruiter I’ve worked with before (though not gotten a job through), who said that her college spoke highly of me and she wanted to talk to me about a direct hire position as a legal secretary at a real estate law firm.

    I’m conflicted. I love my job and the company, and I want to stay there. They have a history of hiring their temps, so it’s not out of the question. But I still need to take care of myself and make sure I have money coming in (my partner makes the big bucks, so I’m not so much worried about bills). I’ve worked at a foreclosure firm before, and I was miserable. That’s why I’m hesitant. The pay is the same.

    1. Yorick*

      You should talk to the recruiter. You don’t have to decide whether to take the position right away!

    2. LizB*

      I think it would be reasonable to ask your supervisor about your contract renewal approval (and make sure she knows how much you’re enjoying your time at Teapot Taxes). From there, you have three possible outcomes: you’re not getting renewed, you are getting renewed, or they don’t have an answer for you yet.

      If you’re not getting renewed, then definitely check out this possibility, but figure out what made the foreclosure firm so miserable for you and ask some good questions about those factors.

      If you are getting renewed, I think I’d stay at Teapot Taxes if I were in your shoes. A good work environment + reasonable pay beats an uncertain work environment + the same pay, in my book, and six more months of building skills in your current role will look good on your resume.

      If they don’t have an answer, it couldn’t hurt to check out the legal secretary job, right? But again, ask really good questions to figure out if you’d hate it as much as you hated the foreclosure firm. You’re not committing to anything by talking to the recruiter, and even if you got all the way through the process and they offered you the job, you could turn it down if you wanted to.

  137. Gala apple*

    Reading the comments on the “how many hours do you work” post made me realize how lucky I am to be in a place with solid 8-hour days. Granted, we have mandatory OT a couple times a year, but are paid time and a half on that.

    How do you feel about jobs that require more than 40 hours?

    3. Bend & Snap*

      I’m salaried and my job is “do what it takes” as far as hours, but in reality I average 40-hour weeks and have amazing work/life balance. There are spikes where I hit 60 hours but they’re predictable and temporary.

      WAY better than when I worked 60 hours regularly and felt burned out all the time.

      1. Gala apple*

        I would love that even more! Been hearing a lot lately about Denmark and their shorter working days…

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          It’s just 9-5 (or 8-4 or 10-6 or a total variety, whatever works) with an hour for lunch. No extra short days required!

    5. Government worker*

      I’m not particularly interested in them. I’m salaried/exempt and I rarely have to work more than 40. I’m willing to do it when necessary, but I don’t want a position where that’s a regular thing. However, I do have to accept that anything *below* 40 is never going to happen either. Ever. (Taxpayer dollars, yo!)

    6. Tau*

      Honestly? I’ve just transferred from a 37.5 hour job to an average-40-hour job and I’m already struggling with that transition! I really don’t think I could cope with any more hours, and I’m considering seeing if I can go part-time (30-35 hours) with my next job.

  138. Death Rides a Pale Volvo*

    Ok question: so husband had a job interview yesterday. However, the recruiter sent him the wrong address–he put the unit number first. So instead of 200 SW Main Street, Suite 1100, recruiter sent 1100 200 SW Main Street. (I should also say, at 10 pm the night before.) So husband punches that in to Google Maps, gets to the interview…and finds that he’s 9 blocks from where he’s supposed to be.

    Husband tries to call recruiter, leaves a voice mail message; tries to call the office, only gets the receptionist; and hustles to get to the right place, but is late and misses the interview. The recruiter calls husband back…and blames husband.

    Husband: “You gave me the wrong address.”
    Recruiter: “You’re trying to put this ON ME?!?!?!”

    So I think husband should write to his main contact at the recruiting firm, explaining what happened, since this particular recruiter only reached out for this position; do you think that would be worthy of husband’s time or do we just call it a wash?

    1. MsM*

      If husband works with recruiting firm frequently enough to have a main contact, I think it’s worth sending a quick note.

    2. CMDRBNA*

      That’s terrible – I once had someone give me the office’s old address (they had moved recently) but they still interviewed me and acknowledged it was their fault.

      If I supervised that recruiter, I would want to know that this happened, and especially that the recruiter reacted that way! If your husband isn’t worried about burning any bridges with that recruiter, I think he should let his contact know. The recruiter is screwing up a really basic part of his job (getting people to the right place for an interview) and I were his boss I’d want to know.

    3. Death Rides a Pale Volvo*

      OMG you guys–the recruiter just sent a nasty email to my husband! REITERATING THE WRONG ADDRESS, but saying that “no one else” had a problem with it, and that it’s still all my husband’s fault!!!!

      THE WORLD GOES RED FROM RAAAAAAAAAAGE…

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yeah, take this over her head, and then cut her out of your life. What an incompetent tool.

    4. Al Lo*

      “200 SW Main Street, Suite 1100, recruiter sent 1100 200 SW Main Street.”

      The second one is how addresses with unit numbers are done here. “101, 123 Main Street” is how it’s written, instead of “123 Main Street, Apt 101”. Maybe it’s a regional thing? I mean, the doubling down on it is obnoxious and not cool, but I would read those two addresses as exactly the same thing.

  139. Conflicted in NW*

    I just recently left one year of working part-time for two friends’ small startup as their CFO (the part time was a financial limitation on their side). I have my own startup business and it’s finally taking off enough that I was able to use its success as a reason to leave.

    But I really left because this husband-and-wife small business has massive boundary issues. They’ve hired a friend as nanny on company payroll (and then one of them ended up in a romantic relationship with her.)

    As company CFO I was regularly asked to pay their personal student loans, log into their personal bank accounts, make sure their family rent & utilities got paid, check their credit scores – often at the expense of P&L’s, business analytics and other company finances. They’ve used their 8-year-old son’s very small trust fund to invest in another friend’s venture-backed startup (not technically illegal, but very stupid). They hired their mother against my advice (we didn’t need what she can provide) and are paying her partially off the books in equity without updating the cap table legally.

    I value my friendship with them quite a lot, but finding a way to enforce boundaries after ending my employment is something I’m struggling with.

    They’re regularly texting me asking where to find documents (part of this problem is they insist on using a company chat system/file system that they refuse to pay for the search history on) and asking for advice about things like other company acquisitions. How can I say “I love you two, but my consulting fee is $150/hr and I’m booked through forever” without burning bridges?

    1. MsM*

      Are you sure you can’t just say that?

      Okay, okay. Did you write them a transition memo? If so, just refer them to that, and tell them your business needs your full-time attention, so they’re going to have to get by without your assistance/advice going forward. If not, and you want to be nice, maybe offer to type up something super-quick, but you can just skip to “Guys, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to figure this out on your own.”

      1. Conflicted in NW*

        Because my job was so varied in duties (marketing, finance, their own family finances), I wrote many transition memos and organized them all linking to one another with an index. I included step-by-step instructions for everything I could think of in my job duties, but many things they’re requested are things that preceded me (like their incorporation paperwork or their login to their own bank). Often what they’re asking for is stuff I emailed to them in the past so I am just forwarding my original email back.

        I am worried that they would be personally hurt if I told them that because they don’t have any personal/professional boundaries to speak of.

        1. MsM*

          That is also their problem to manage, not yours. Protect your boundaries, and protect yourself from people who consistently stomp all over them, whatever other good qualities they might have.

    2. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Personally, that kind of experience would make me want to cut off the friendship, too.

      :-(

    3. Anono-me*

      Take longer and longer to get back to them each time they ask. Included florid apologies and verbose explanations of being super busy. But make asking you a last resort rather than a quick shortcut.

    4. neverjaunty*

      Why aren’t they worried about burning bridges?

      Why aren’t they worried that saying something thoughtless to you is going to personally upset you?

      Why aren’t they concerned about your boundaries?

      Sounds like you might be their friend, but they sure as heck aren’t your friends.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        OH, I sooo agree.
        Hopefully you get something out of the friendship but I am not seeing what that would be from what you have written here.
        To me, it looks like they are using you the way they use everyone else in their lives.

    5. Observer*

      I’m going to agree with the others who question the value of this friendship (if you can really call it that.) It’s not “just” the illegal shenanigans, or the fact the they seem like garden variety users. The fact that they used their child’s limited trust fund to make such a risky investment is just beyond the pale. If they can do this to their CHILD, you can be sure that they will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if it suits them.

      I’m also going to say that you really, really need to cut ties with the business end of this relationship, at minimum. You have direct knowledge of some of the illegal things they have done, and may even be implicated in them. The further away you are from this whole mess when the garbage hits the fan, the better off you will be. In fact, I would seriously consider talking to a lawyer about what your current exposure is and how to limit it.

  140. Anony*

    Is it a good sign to have an interview scheduled right away? I just sent in my application this morning and they contacted me right away to schedule an interview on Monday. Should I assume that they are just efficient?

    1. Jana*

      I once submitted an application at 9AM, got called for an interview the same morning, and was interviewed that afternoon (and offered the job). I took the job then later realized they were desperate for anyone they could get because they had a terrible turnover rate and employees were overworked, exhausted, and quitting as soon as they could. This is a horror story though. They could be efficient or just really interested in you, so I would go to the interview and keep an eye open for red flags.

    2. Conflicted in NW*

      How did you find the job? It’s a bad sign if it’s the kind of job where there’s high staff turnover and they’re filling based on Craiglist/Monster/etc.

        1. mreasy*

          I got an email the morning after the evening I applied, set up an interview for the following day, and got the job offer a week later! Some companies just move quickly, particularly when it looks like a good fit.

  141. Who Gets Free Stuff?*

    What do you think about who should be eligible to get/win random free stuff at work?

    Background: Every year, my organization receives 20 free tickets to a large local event. The tickets have a value of ~$15 each. They are distributed through a random lottery — you send an email saying you’re interested, names are drawn, and the winners get the tickets.

    What I’ve wondered about is whether organizations should limit who can receive the tickets? It feels strange to me that well-paid senior-level folks sometimes get free tickets over folks who make much less than them. $15 is affordable for many (most?) people here, but could be a real luxury for some of our junior or part-time colleagues.

    What do you think?

    1. miyeritari*

      Presuming everyone in the company can get a fair shot, I think it’s best to include all colleagues.

      The real problem is extenuating circumstances – for example, getting to the event could be unaffordable even if you win the tickets (event parking in my city starts a $30/event and goes up to $100), or you don’t have a childcare option because you can’t afford a babysitter, it overlaps with hours you need to work, etc. Ideally, it would be the most fair that everyone got the ticket AND whatever additional assistance they needed.

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        What, you think the company should pitch in for parking and a babysitter when they give away free tickets?

        1. miyeritari*

          I’m saying that getting free tickets to an event doesn’t guarantee you can go to the event, because of extenuating circumstances, and these circumstances are more likely to occur to employees with lower wages.

          I don’t know what the solution to that is.

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            Why would someone enter a drawing to win tickets to an event they can’t afford to attend?

            1. miyeritari*

              I read the story as ‘this is opt-out,’ ie – you’re in unless you say you’re not. The issue appears to be I can’t read. Derp.

    2. Zip Zap*

      At places where I’ve worked, the more considerate higher level people would decline to participate in these kinds of things. When they did, there were awkward stories. “I was drunk at the ball game, making out with my boyfriend, and the director showed up! She and her mother had seats next to ours! It was so awkward!” Ha.

      1. Construction Safety*

        Yeah we had a vendor win the grand prize at a company function a few years ago. Kinda awkward.

    3. Anony*

      I don’t think they should limit it just because senior people are more likely to be able to afford it. Telling people that they are too well paid to truly appreciate it gives a weird vibe. If they don’t want it, they won’t sign up for the raffle.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      I would hope that people at the top of the payscale would leave freebies like this for others. But I think that should be their decision, and they shouldn’t be forbidden to enter the drawing. You shouldn’t make assumptions about the state of someone else’s bank account.

  142. NewBoss5000*

    I would love some advice on dealing with a “problem child” employee.

    I work at a university in a public service department of 8: 2 faculty (my boss and me) and 6 staff (1 day supervisor, 1 evening supervisor, and 4 others). Each supervisor had 1 direct report, while the 2 remaining staff reported to my boss. So the org chart was basically “my boss” –> me, staff 1, staff 2, day supervisor, evening supervisor –> staff 3 (reporting to day supervisor), staff 4 (reporting to evening supervisor). I took over directly supervising all staff in January, and I moved both staff 3 and 4 under me directly to improve the consistency of the management process in the department. So now, the org chart is “my boss”–>me–>6 staff. The evening supervisor, “George,” still “supervises” staff 4, “Fred,” because they work a different shift than my boss and I do. But George does so with my approval, and I handle all HR-related issues and performance reviews.

    Fred is my “problem child” (well, I have a couple, but he’s the topic today).

    Fred is 67 (I’m a 40-year-old woman, for reference). He has worked in this department, with my boss, for 30 years. Aside from his job in our department, he has a second, “adjunct”-type job in another department. These two departments are related, but distinct (under different deans).

    He’s been working for both departments for quite a while, at least since the early 1990s. He basically created the role he has there, volunteering for a while, until the other dean decided (correctly) that Fred was doing an awful lot of work and should be paid. They struggled to figure out a way to pay him appropriately, because his primary job (with us) is a non-exempt, hourly position, while the other job is more of a creative role that doesn’t really work well with a time-clock. In the past, they’ve had to come up with creative ways to get his hours logged so he would get paid correctly.

    This whole scenario has led to a host of issues:

    1. Fred often does work for the other job while on the clock for us. My boss is afraid of confrontation and hasn’t ever really dealt with this.
    2. Fred’s flexible schedule with the other job meant that he had to add his hours into the time-clock system manually. This has resulted in errors (and even him having to pay back some money that the other department paid him).
    3. Fred refers to himself as “faculty” even though he isn’t; while this doesn’t really matter to me, he seems to think he shouldn’t have to listen to George because George is “staff,” even though George is in charge of the department in the evenings.
    4. Finally, and most importantly, I think Fred believes that because his work at the other job is so interesting and so involving, it “counts” toward his work here. This has led to him basically doing little-to-nothing while working for us.

    When I took over, I decided that I needed to work to remedy this situation. I took several steps:

    1. I talked to HR about clearing up how he clocks in and out for each job. They created a separate “job” in the system for his work at the other department and then I met with his time-keeper at the other department to create a clear schedule of when he works for us and when he works for them.
    2. I started enforcing our rules about the use of personal devices like laptops and cell phones at the customer service desk, because he would sit with his own laptop and do his work for the other job, instead of paying attention to the people who came to the desk for help.
    3. I drafted a document listing my expectations for how staff are to behave at the front desk, and had every staff person read it and sign it.
    4. Whenever he brings up issues about his other job to me, I emphasize that I can’t do anything about the other job, and that when he is at work for us he needs to focus on his job here.

    At this point, I think he’s beginning to understand that these are two separate roles in two separate departments, and that they cannot overlap. But while some things have improved slightly, I’m still struggling to make him understand that things have changed. I know part of this is the whole “I’ve been here 30 years!” thing. I firmly believe that pretty much everyone working here (at least, all of the long-time employees) are suffering from the inertia that settles in after being in the same role for a long time. I’m having similar issues with other staff, but none of them have been here as long as he has (except my boss).

    Essentially, Fred’s pretty useless at his job here. Most of the tasks can be (and are) done by student workers. I want to give him more responsibility, but he has demonstrated a pattern of being sloppy and making lots of mistakes with tasks. Sometimes I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose to avoid having to do the tasks again. But he *thinks* he’s doing a great job. He has consistently rated himself as “exceeds expectations” on past performance reviews.

    He doesn’t explicitly ignore people who approach the customer service desk. But he keeps his head down and gives off a vibe of “don’t talk to me” to anyone he doesn’t already know. Other staff at the desk will leap up to help, which also frees Fred from having to interact with people when he doesn’t want to. To his buddies from the other department, he’s friendly and chatty (though not necessarily helpful).

    He complains that he isn’t given more interesting things to do that fit his knowledge and experience (by this he is mainly referring to the knowledge and experience he uses in his other role). But because he can’t do even the most basic tasks correctly, I’m hesitant to give him more responsibility. At the same time, I’ve discussed with my boss and the evening supervisor that we need to give him *something* to do that we can track, if only to help document his poor performance.

    Because of his attitude toward George, George is really frustrated with him. And it shows. They’ve had interactions (that I haven’t witnessed) that have led to each man coming to me to complain about the other.

    Fred injured his back in April, and his doctor’s instructions have limited what he can do here (until at least January). He doesn’t qualify for ADA accommodations, but our HR rep and I agreed that we could accommodate these restrictions temporarily, until he is reassessed by the doctor. However, this has led to him using his back pain as an excuse to avoid doing things that don’t have anything to do with the restrictions his doctor gave.

    Finally, Fred frequently forgets things that have been discussed with him and then claims no one told him! He claimed to have forgotten about a change to our schedule for the new school year even though 1) the schedule was correct on our website (where he had already looked), 2) we had a meeting about it two days before and I explained it to him, and 3) this change happens at the same time every year, and has happened for at least the last 7 years (as long as I’ve been here). Fred also claimed to have no idea how to do a task that I had led an hour-long training session on two days before (in addition to giving everyone step-by-step instructions).

    I don’t know how much of his issues are caused by his age (67), by his inertia in being in the same role for three decades, or by some sort of genius-level plot to do the least amount possible, thinking that if he doesn’t really do *anything,* he can’t get in trouble for doing things wrong. But like at a lot of places, it’s extremely difficult to fire someone here. It takes a long time, and I don’t even know how to start documenting some of these vague things like “forgets stuff a lot” or “can’t do X task without being really sloppy at it.” I keep hoping he’ll retire. I have even said outright (in response to his complaints about being forced to clock in and out at the other job) that if it weren’t for his job here, the other department could give him a salaried job, and that would solve his problem. But I think he likes being able to earn SSI while working full-time, and he doesn’t want to retire yet.

    Sorry for the long, rambling, saga. I’d appreciate any advice, folks!

    1. Willow Sunstar*

      Ugh, this sounds at least partly like my current coworker, except current coworker is in his early 20’s. I can understand age-related issues, but not younger people making lots of mistakes on easy tasks when they’ve been in the same role for several years.

      Is there a reason why Fred can’t just transfer full-time to the other department, since he seems to like doing that job better? Perhaps they would have enough work to justify having him there on a full-time basis.

      1. NewBoss5000*

        He only really does most of the work during the spring semester. The rest of the year he can get his work done for them in about 4-6 hours a week.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1

        It doesn’t sound like he is actually doing his job, or like he is engaging in your attempts to help him get there.

        1. Sylvan*

          Commenting again to say that I was promoted into the position of somebody like this at an old job. In an average full-time week, I had roughly 10 hours of actual work to do. I believe the position has been eliminated since I left. You might want to consider whether his role is even necessary, and if not, what to do from there.

          2. NewBoss5000*

            I don’t think his role is necessary, though we’re already probably losing one role (the person is retiring and there are rumors they’re going to take the money for her role and use it in a different department) and I’m afraid to say that I don’t need another one. What I need is a different *kind* of role, that I am almost certain he won’t be able to do. But you’re right, it’s tough.

      2. NewBoss5000*

        It is… sort of. Our institution is famous for making it excruciatingly difficult to fire someone. My boss’s boss has been supportive of me investigating a reorganization, but lately she hasn’t been really available to help.

    3. Anony*

      It seems like you need to meet with him to let him know that he is not actually doing a good job. List out the specifics and possibly put him on a PIP. Your post does not say that you have actually told him that he is not doing a good job. I think he needs to hear it.

      1. RabbitRabbit*

        Yup. Consistently document all the crap – or George has to – with emotion removed from it. Specify that since it’s customer service, eagerness to help customers must be part of it. Document all work-related discussions so you have notes to fall back on.

        1. NewBoss5000*

          George and I have been doing the documenting, but I do need to buckle down and get more rigorous about it.

    4. Student*

      Sometimes you can downsize somebody without the full rigamarole of a “firing”. It sounds like you long ago stopped needing him in the role he has for your department. Can you eliminate that role, either now or soon? Possibly as part of a response to budget issues, or an upcoming re-org? It doesn’t sound like you need a new person in his role, and it’s already a “special” role.

      1. NewBoss5000*

        Perhaps. I’m hoping my boss’s boss (who already is planning to take another person’s role away and use the money elsewhere) can at the very least help me to frame what my department needs so that we can justify restructuring of the 5 staff positions.

    5. neverjaunty*

      Document everything. NOT just with Fred, but with everyone. If there’s a schedule, make people accept an Outlook invite or initial a memo saying they’re aware of the schedule. If there are step-by-step instructions, have them initial a memo stating ‘I have reviewed and understand these instructions’ and then return the memo to you. Whenever someone ‘forgets’, document it.

      Basically you need to 1) make it very difficult for him to ‘forget’ or misremember things, and 2) build a file so you can fire him.

      1. NewBoss5000*

        Yes! That’s exactly the kind of process I’m trying to set up. One issue I’m facing is that 4 of the 6 current staff have been there a long time under my boss, who was (and is) very lax about enforcing things (her previously-mentioned fear of confrontation). Plus there are some minor language barrier issues which make it difficult for me to be certain some staff people really understand what I’m asking them to do and why. But I have been trying to enforce the work schedule and have just created checklists that they are supposed to complete. We’ll see how that works.

    6. Slytherin librarian*

      This happens WAY too frequently in academic libraries. This sounds horrible, but the only thing I’ve seen work is to make his work life so uncomfortable, he’ll decide retirement is better. Assign him the least desirable projects and desk hours. Give up on the idea that he can be made to be useful, and instead strategize how to protect George and any other workers/students from him.

      1. NewBoss5000*

        I am in fact in a library! You must be psychic (or the story is as old as time). And you’re right about it being common: one of my colleagues at a different library on campus has two “problem children” similar to mine — long-timers who know they’ve got it good and won’t retire. I’ve been hoping that the restructuring of his other job–and the resultant rigid enforcement of his work hours/pay there–would lead him to realize that his job here is causing more trouble than it’s worth. But I’m thinking I need to just give him tasks that 1) he doesn’t like (which is pretty much anything he thinks is “beneath” him), 2) he *should* be able to do correctly but most likely won’t, and 3) that I can track easily in order to have more documented evidence.

    7. NewBoss5000*

      As a follow-up to my issue above, does anyone have advice/suggestions for a good and easy-to-manage method of documenting and tracking incidents with staff? I keep shuffling from paper notebooks to Evernote to Excel spreadsheets and can’t seem to settle on a way I can keep up with.

      1. Observer*

        Outlook can be made to work, but it’s a bit of a pain. Both Evernote and OneNote are good ideas, if you set yourself up right.

        OneNote has an advantage in that it’s more tied to outlook, so it becomes almost mindlessly easy to keep copies of all of your interactions – calendar invites, email and free hand notes in one place. You can do much the same with Evernote with a touch more effort. The key, in both cases, is the right set up.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Break this into parts and build a plan.
      Some ideas:
      1) Tell Fred that George is indeed his supervisor and failure to listen to George is insubordination.
      2) Work into conversation, that he is a staff person. “Well you and the three other staff people….”
      3) His refusal to do various tasks because of his back. Tell him that you did not see that stipulated on the doctor’s note and if that is true, then it’s fine but he will need to get the doc to rewrite the note first. Say this to each task he refuses to do.
      4)Tell him heads down is not acceptable at the front desk. Each person who approaches must be greeted, no exceptions. Failure to greet, failure to lift his head will be deemed as failure to do his job.
      5) Tell him that “I forgot” is not an excuse. He will need to develop a system so he remembers. It is part of the job. If he cannot remember instructions then that is a failure to complete job responsibilities.
      6)Shoddy work. Where possible have him initial what he has done. Review his mistakes with him.
      7) Tell him new projects/tasks are off the table until these problems are permanently cured.

      Lots of head games going on here and lots of 5 year old behavior. Good luck with this. Develop go-to statements such as, “The same is expected of everyone here. You need to do what everyone else is doing.”

    9. Observer*

      Actually, what you are describing is not vague at all. Start documenting specific instances with specific descriptions. eg

      On 9/12 Fred missed work. He said that he was never told about the correct schedule even though we had a meeting about it on 9/9, this schedule was the same as it had been for the last 7 years and the correct schedule was on our web site.

      On 8/15 Fred said that he had no idea of how to do Task X even though I had given him step by step instructions the prior week and had an hour long meeting about it as well.

      On 8/24 Fred completed 5 help desk tickets. Only one of them was properly recorded. The other four were missing information such as the resolution of the problem or the contact information of the person with the problem.

      Also, you need to absolutely treat his refusal to listen to George as though he is refusing to listen to you.

      Never mention his age or retirement – it’s not relevant and it could set you up for age discrimination issues. And, you REALLY need to deal with George. Yes, Fred needs to listen to him and you need to be supportive of George, but you need to make it clear to him that he needs to keep it professional and appropriate while you go through the process of dealing with Fred.

      1. NewBoss5000*

        You’re right, it’s not really vague. I’m so used to his pattern of non-behavior that it’s hard to see it as an actual pattern of behavior. Thank you!

  143. College Admin*

    Does anyone have advice for working in a very unstructured role with a very hands-off boss? Previously, I’ve always worked in “individual contributor” roles where there was plenty of work to do and everyone knew what to do. I’ve recently started a role where I’m working on more big-picture ideas. I thought it was what I wanted to do (because I had so little time to step back and look at the big picture in my previous roles) but I find that I’m struggling to keep busy. I am used to having work come to me all the time and needing to react quickly; in this role, nothing comes to me unless I seek it out. My boss is super busy and very important in our organization so I don’t want to bug him, and he seems happy to let me do what I want without weighing in much. He also seems impressed with how much work I’ve produced already but I feel like I’m barely doing anything!

    1. T3k*

      My last job was like this, so one way I found to keep myself busy was to do personal projects that would help the business, like organized files, created a go-to chart, etc. Perhaps you can look for what needs improvement and run it by your boss to see if you could work on that when things are slow?

  144. Addie*

    In the process of earning my degree in accounting, I’ve had to take a number of courses in management and leadership (mandatory for anyone earning a degree from the business school at my university). These courses have confirmed something I’ve long suspected about myself: not only am I completely unsuited to management work, I would be absolutely miserable in any kind of position that required it. I didn’t really think it was a very big deal, though – after all, managers need someone to manage, right?

    However, I recently participated in a mock interview event put on by my university’s career services center. During the course of the interview (which, per the form I filled out before beginning, was for a generic entry-level accounting job), my lack of interest in management positions came up, and after the interview, one of the comments I received was that my lack of ambition reflected poorly on me. I was a little confused by this and asked for clarification…to which the interviewer repeated himself in a VERY exasperated tone – I might have asked him to clarify his statement that the sky was blue!

    When I brought it up with one of my professors, she laughed and told me that the career services center was notorious for bad advice (which begs the question of why we even have one, if you ask me!) and that I shouldn’t worry about it. However, I AM worried – how am I supposed to separate the good advice from the bad? What if this is something I should worry about? Maybe it’s a small thing, but I haven’t had any relevant work experience in accounting and, due to my personal/family situation, haven’t been able to seek an internship, either, so I know I’m entering the workforce at a slight disadvantage. Every bit of advice helps!

    I guess what I want to know is, IS this something to adjust for? Should I be going into interviews for entry-level and/or internship positions trying to project an ambition for a career track that I don’t even want? Is this something really really obvious I should already know? Or am I connecting two unconnected things? Did he really mean I should’ve disclosed my lifelong secret ambition to build a crimefighting robot?

    Any help would be appreciated!

    1. MsM*

      Knowing yourself > trying to position yourself for a role you don’t want because you get the feeling the interviewer expects you to. I’m not saying you’re not going to encounter people who don’t understand “no, really, I don’t want to be CEO/director/department head/etc.,” but a company where you’re constantly supposed to be planning for the next promotion is not going to be a good fit for you, so that lack of comprehension can be valuable information.
      And bear in mind you can use career goal questions to talk about skills you want to develop or ways you think the role you’re interviewing for might potentially evolve, so it doesn’t sound like you’re just going to take the position and stagnate.

      1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

        Yeah, I think the best way to go is to show a level of ambition that doesn’t involve managing people. Which seems fine for accounting, since I feel like there’s always demand for accountants at the producer level.

        As far as bad advice goes… idk. Well, first, AAM is better than other people. :) Second, trust the opinions of people in your own industry before you trust people who haven’t worked in it (like, I suspect, your career counselors). Third, assume people are acting in good faith… don’t approach your job search and career as games to be won. There’s not “gotchas” hidden around every corner; companies are looking for accountants and you want to be an accountant, and you presumably have areas of accounting you’d like to specialize in or explore, and potential employers are interested in those details in order to find the best possible match for their open position.

        Most anything beyond that is just quirks!

        1. Anony*

          It’s definitely a good idea to be able to articulate your long term career goals. That does not have to include a role in management. I would suggest getting a good understanding of your field and what the career track options are. Then you will be able to answer those types of questions with what you DO want instead of what you don’t want to do.

    2. Troutwaxer*

      Also, keep in mind that there are two kinds of ambition. One is within your field, and the other is within your company. I don’t know how it works for accountants, but in IT it might go:

      Developer
      Designer
      Architect
      Senior Architect

      VERSUS:

      Developer
      Team Lead
      Manager
      Director

      So it is very possible to be ambitious without wanting to go into management.

  145. Promotion Shenanigans*

    Uuuuuuuuuughhhhhhh.

    I’ve posted about this on and off over the past year, and I really just want to vent (and maybe a gut check on whether I’m being unreasonable?). The short version: A year ago I was offered and accepted an internal promotion, but while I did shift to the new role I never received the title and salary adjustment. My manager has since left and my division is being reorganized. I finally found out what my new title and salary will be, and it is substantially less than what I was offered a year ago.

    I don’t actually object to how they’re positioning the role and reorganizing the division — I think it makes sense. But the result is that a raise that was promised to be ~30% is instead around ~10%. Plus, of course, I should have been paid the higher rate for the past year and was not. Folks who are currently in the level that my promotion should have made me last year are grandfathered in at their salary and title; had my promotion gone through when it was supposed to I would be at that level too.

    … how upset should I be?

    2. CatCat*

      Have you raised the issue with your employer?

      If so, I’d be pretty upset (and would have been upset quite a while ago). I’d start looking for a new job immediately.

      1. Promotion Shenanigans*

        Oh yes. I left out pages of details. I’ve met with my former manager, the VP who offered me the promotion (and became my manager when I accepted it), our HR business partner, and the CEO (who my manager reports directly to; that meeting was in the content of meeting with my manager’s manager). I have been given multiple dates by which it would be corrected (beginning last fall), and been told that I would receive back pay (which I’m 99% sure is now off the table).

        I’ve been, as LCL said, nuclear-level upset for the past year. But my preferred outcome is/was that I stay with my organization at the level I was promised, so while I’ve kept my eyes open for external opportunities I haven’t been actively searching. I’m now thinking about what to do now that the resolution isn’t what I had hoped for.

        1. CatCat*

          You’ve got nothing to lose by actively searching at this point. My trust in the employer would be gone by now. You have been operating in good faith, but they have completely failed to reciprocate. I would stop bringing it up and refocus on external opportunities. I mean… it’s been a year. They are stringing you along. They are, at best, dysfunctional. You’ve been more than patient.

          If they get their crap together and make everything right (promised pay, promised title, and promised back pay) in the interim, great. That could restore trust (but only if all the fixes happened before I had a real offer in hand.) Otherwise, leave when you get a real opportunity rather than this pseudo opportunity they’ve been dangling in front of you for a year.

    4. Troutwaxer*

      I have no idea whether you can legally sue, but you should threaten a suit at the minimum.

  146. Questioning*

    I’m looking for a reality check here, it at all possible, about a change in job title/description.
    Background: I work for a company that’s been growing – we’re at about 25 people at the moment. As part of this growth, we now have someone who has been working on official job descriptions across all three departments. The department I’m in is a different than the other two in many ways. This new job description is less than what I do – for example, “provide administrative assistance for coffee sales”, when I’m doing analysis based on very detailed product knowledge, that’s not shared by the people who are more client-facing sales. I’ve been told I’m very valuable to them, and that my expertise is essential. I have a designation in providing planning and advice, and this is in an industry that’s trying to move from a more sales-focused industry to one that’s more advice focused. My job has been changing, as I’m more working with the other advisors to do more of the analysis part, while they focus more on the sales part. There are also people in the department who do the processing of orders, and I’ve been covering the work of one person who left, and providing backup to another one. As discussed in the meeting when I was presented with this, I’m the only one in our department who can do everybody’s job, and there’s a number of things that I can do that other people can’t (which is not optimal!). I will note that in this company, there has been a perceived history of valuing the people who bring in sales more than the people who do the work associated with the client, to keep them as a client. That was mentioned, as well as how they are no longer going to be calling anyone an assistant.
    In reviewing the job description itself, there’s other issues that would need to be addressed – the description itself is perfect for a brand new assistant position we’re bringing on, but not so much for me.
    OK, so the question – the title itself is changing from “Teapot Advisor” to “Teapot Administrator”, and I’m finding myself very taken aback by that. In my industry, it was traditional to have two person teams – the (typically male) advisor, and the (typically female) administrative assistant. I was searching online, and “Teapot Administrator” is not one that I can find that’s associated with our industry.
    I could see Analyst, or Specialist possibly – but Administrator is definitely bothering me, which is why I wanted to bring this to the lovely commentators on this site. What connotations does Administrator have to people?

    1. MsM*

      Yeah, I’d fight for Analyst or Specialist, too; Administrator might suggest you’re mostly focused on basic office tasks as opposed to specific teapot work (and the fact it seems written for a lower-level assistant backs up that they probably had that in mind when selecting it).

    2. Rincat*

      Definitely go for Analyst or Specialist. If you are doing any sort of data analysis, then you are an Analyst. I’ve also seen your type of job described as a “Customer Care Manager” or “Solutions Specialist.”

  147. Oh so anon*

    Say you have a health issue that’s gone undiagnosed for years. It’s something that has gotten worse and worse over the years but at its worst is a major annoyance, not debilitating or life threatening.

    You could have surgery to help treat the symptoms (unfortunately, only a major, very drastic surgery will completely cure it), but after discussion with your doctor you decide that it makes sense to wait a bit longer since the treatment you’re currently on, although it didn’t seem to do anything at first, now seems like it might maybe be working?

    If you wait a couple of months, though, and you decide to have the surgery (which you will do if the problem goes back from where it is now — minor annoyance — to its worst of “major annoyance”), you’ll be doing so in a crazy all-hands-on-deck period at work.

    Is that a horrible thing to do? I mean, it would be even more horrible if I let my employer’s needs push me into having surgery before I need it (so I’m NOT going to do that). But if things get worse again, should I just wait out another couple of months before having the surgery?

    Complicating all of this: It’s a gynecological issue, and my boss is a man.

    1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      No. Your health comes first. Get the surgery when it makes sense for you. The company will survive.

      If possible, it could make sense to give your boss a heads up (without details). “Boss, I wanted to let you know about something that may be coming down the pike. I’m dealing with a health issue right now which may require surgery down the road. If it does, the surgery would need to take place during Busy Season — it’s unavoidable — and I would need to be out for X weeks in recovery. I’m hoping that my doctors and I can resolve it before it gets to that point, but let’s put a plan in place now.”

      1. em2mb*

        Victoria’s advice is spot-on. I ended up in the hospital last year during one of the absolute worst weeks of the year for us. I never in a million years would’ve been voluntarily out at that time. And you know what? My work stepped up and handled it. Maybe things were a little messier/sloppier than they would’ve been if I’d been able to be there, but overall, it was fine. Do what’s right for you — and I hope you feel better soon!

        1. Corky's wife Bonnie*

          Exactly. Chips will fall where they may and stuff will get done. I just had this done (had to have the non-laparoscopic kind, bummer) and was out for six weeks. I just finished my second week back to work and my energy level is still not back, I bottom out after lunch. This is normal apparently, so keep that in mind if your job is in any way physical. It’s also possible you may have to come back at half days (several of my friends had to do this). Your doctor will help you with any notes you need for your boss so utilize him/her for that. Good luck with everything!

    2. Anony*

      If it is laproscopic surgery, chances are recovery will be fast (it was for me, also for gynecological issue). I would say that you shouldn’t borrow trouble. If it gets worse and you want the surgery, you can decide then when it makes the most sense to have it done. It may be that your doctor can’t even get you in for a few months since elective surgery sometimes is hard to schedule. But I think it is reasonable to put your health first, even if it is what you would classify as a “major annoyance” rather than “debilitating”. You also probably don’t need to give details about the procedure. You can just say that you are having a minor surgical procedure done and would rather not discuss the details. Or you could say it is a gynecological issue and leave it at that if you actually want to give more information. I found that my male bosses were actually more understanding about it than female ones. Or rather they panicked at the mention of a gynecological issue and told me to “do what you have to do” and really really did not want more information.

    3. Joielle*

      That is not a horrible thing to do! Your health comes first and any halfway decent manager should understand that, or at least put up with it.

      If you do say something now, I’d be careful to frame it in a way that doesn’t sound like the surgery timing is your choice. Make it sound like it’s completely out of your control. Something like “I wanted to give you a heads up about something that may affect me during the upcoming busy season. I have a health problem that’s been getting worse. I just started a new treatment plan that I’m hoping will resolve it, but if it doesn’t work I’ll need to have surgery in [month] and be out for X weeks of recovery. I’m doing fine for now but I’ll keep you in the loop if I do need to schedule the surgery. I just thought I’d let you know now in case you think it would make sense for us to plan for the possibility.”

    4. Observer*

      The fact that’s a gyn issue is UTTERLY irrelevant. It’s something that has been affecting your life in a negative way and needs surgery are really the only important facts to bring to the table.

      Whether or not to wait to a “better” time is a matter of HOW major the “major inconvenience” is, and what the ripple effects will be for you if you have the surgery then as opposed to a few months later.

  148. Youhide*

    So… I need to look for ways to compare myself less to others. I started a job recently with a group of others, and we’ve all been doing fairly well, but there’s a couple people that are obviously better than everyone else. For instance, our job doesn’t involve programming per se, but they programmed macros to make their work faster, and I didn’t realize just how much faster until one of them managed to do more than a third of a pile of work the group was given on his own in the time that it took most of us to do the original bundles we had picked up (about 1/1o of the pile).

    Anyway, he was bragging about it yesterday and I know it’s his right to feel good about himself and that it’s okay to be average blah blah (my supervisor himself has told me that I’m doing well! He just tells me all the time to “trust my judgment” and “have more confidence” and etc. Like that’s literally the only real problem he ever has with me), but I kinda feel like crap. I know not everyone can be a star performer but suddenly I feel like there’s some competitiveness (and to some degree there is, but right now there isn’t), and due to my general lack of confidence whenever even a tiny bit of competition is introduced my ability to concentrate and properly do my work drops like a stone. Like, not an hour after this conversation I ended up making a mistake that will be able to be fixed, but it’s still embarrassing because I had to go to my supervisor and ask him for his input. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Argh. And I know I’m not the only one worrying.

    So, how?? Is this impostor syndrome? Do I basically just need to work on my confidence and does this kind of worry go away over time?

    1. Emily*

      Why doesn’t the person who programmed the macro write documentation on how to do this for the rest of you all? I can’t imagine coming up with that kind of thing and not sharing. And then he gets to put that he improved this business process on his resume, and you can learn how this works, and if you’re interested, come up with this for yourself in the future. And if he won’t share, there are tons of resources out there where you can teach yourself.

    2. Camellia*

      Well, first, let’s talk about ‘star performer’ vs. ‘average’. Just because someone came in with a skill that you don’t have, and it was not a required skill for the job, doesn’t make that person a star performer and you average. Most skills can be learned over time.

      Also, in my experience, a star performer doesn’t come up with a way to improve the process and then just brag about it. They share it with others who do that job so they can be better at their jobs too. Did your coworker share these macros with everyone else? If not, ask for them! And if he isn’t forthcoming, tell your manager that “Wakeen has invented this great new way to improve everyone’s job! Yay, Wakeen! Now how do we go about sharing that?”

      By doing this you have rightfully praised Wakeen for his accomplishment, which is fair and always a good thing to do, and let your manager know what a great ‘team player’ Wakeen is because he is going to share that with everyone!

      So if you can reframe these situations as ‘process improvements for the team’ instead of oh no, it’s a competition and he’s making me look bad, maybe that will help. And work on believing your boss’s words, too, that you are doing well.

      One thing I have noticed over the years – men make just as many mistakes as women make, they are just less likely to advertise them. In other words, women tend to talk about their mistakes in a comradely sort of way, and sometimes almost bond over them. Men don’t seem to do that as much. If your boss is saying telling you to trust your judgement and have more confidence, what are you doing or saying that brings this to his attention? It’s okay to be unsure of yourself because you are learning something new. But maybe just don’t ‘advertise’ it?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The problem with dwelling on the braggart is that it is not instructive. You have not figured out what TO DO and managed to thoroughly beat yourself up.

      Take what worries you and DEMAND that you build yourself something to do to go up against that worry. Demand this of yourself.
      See, we can sit and worry, worry, worry and this does nothing to resolve the worry.
      It’s fine to have a worry or concern. That is normal. What is not fine is to leave the worry unaddressed. So in this case why not decide to learn something about macros? Teach yourself or ask a friend to help.

      Do this in all aspects of your life. If you are worried about your car, then go get it checked. If you have clothing that causes you worry, then stop using it, get something else that you feel comfortable with. Address worries when the first pop up. It’s a good life habit.

      As you do this decide to allow yourself to be consoled. Deliberately decide to allow your boss’ words to ease your concern. Speaking as a supervisor, I could offer people advice or console them in some ways. I could not MAKE them take the advice nor could I MAKE them feel consoled. They had to chose to take the advice and they had to chose to feel consoled. This meant that they had to decide that they could trust me and take me at my word. Decide you trust your boss and decide to invest sometime in yourself learning new things.

  149. AnonToday*

    I think this is more of a question for Alison, but I don’t know if this is a situation I should elevate to her level, so to speak.

    I was on a PIP for a bit, and I thought I was improving (and my manager said I was). Then last week on August 17th, she extended it with an end date of September 30th. I was brought into a meeting with HR and my manager. “After these 50 days, we will evaluate if you’re really a fit for the company.” I sort of half-nodded because I had been blindsided, and asked to see the paperwork.

    My manager had backdated the paperwork to August 10th, and submitted it to HR the same day she told me, August 17th. I didn’t think that was fair (after all, telling me a week after it and essentially leaving me with 40 days to find a new job), so I contacted HR with my documentation. Since both HR and my supervisor were out of town on August 10th, there was no way I could have been made aware that day.

    I am still waiting on the update on the situation, but I’m asking you, the helpful community of AAM:
    – Is there anything else I could have done?
    – Is there some legal ramification (I am in a state that has at-will employment)? It was still crappy to backdate paperwork, regardless of at-will status.
    – Any tips to stay motivated at work, knowing that I’ll probably be let go? (I will still do my work, but they’ve come to expect me to go above and beyond, stay 55+ hours a week, not take lunches, etc. and I worry that suddenly not doing all the extra will get me kicked out faster)
    – How can I spin this in my job search (because I will be searching longer than I have left at this company) to explain the gap/why I’m no longer there? (Although, my manager is pretty toxic so that could be used)

    Thank you for any advice!

    1. AnonToday*

      Another note: My manager came to me after everyone else had left for the day and said that her words may have come out harsher than intended. She stated that she has every belief in me that I will pass this test.

      But honestly, she deliberately chose the words (she paused and thought about how to say them in the meeting; I’ve been here 2 years and I’ve come to understand her). She made a not-subtle threat against my job, in front of HR no less, and it shook my confidence like you would not believe. (And of course my depression was just starting to come back a day before this, so the situation got compounded to the point of panic attacks over the weekend she told me)

      I’m just not sure what to do here. I know I need to job search (revamped my resume and have applied seriously to a few things), but I was not prepared for this to happen.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry; that sounds tough. When you say “backdated the paperwork” do you mean that the documentation says she spoke to you on the 10th even though it was the 17th? Or just that the paperwork has August 10th on it?

      I don’t think the law would care much in either case; it might violate company policy, but even there the only question is whether you could ask for another week due to the error. I think it sounds like you did improve but not as much as they were hoping (whether anybody could meet that standard is another question), and I think you’re right to start your job search.

      I would advise against “my manager was toxic”; that’s breaking conventions in a way that will make people worry. Not sure how long you were at the job, but it sounds like it wasn’t a good fit and you worked on ways to transition out. Be prepared to answer questions about why it wasn’t a good fit.

      1. AnonToday*

        My manager spoke with me on Aug. 17, but dated the paperwork as if she had the conversation with me on Aug. 10. So even if that’s not illegal, it’s still pretty scummy.

        I’ve been here about 2 years, so it’s kind of painful to have this happen so quickly. I’ve been thinking about changing jobs, but since this is the first long-term “real adult” job I’ve had out of college I know I need to stay for a bit and really build my resume.

        Good point about the manager, thank you, I will remember that.

        1. Anony*

          Legally they don’t have to give you any notice. Look up your company policy to see if they guarantee 50 days. Either way, you can push for the paperwork to be corrected to reflect that the conversation occurred on the 17th but they may or may not extend it to 50 days.

        2. fposte*

          I agree that it’s scummy. I actually think moving on after two years isn’t going to be that big a deal for a first after-college job; it’s not alarmingly short-term.

    3. NW Mossy*

      My first thought on the date issue is that if August 10th is the date the original PIP expired, it would make sense for any extension of it to begin that day – perhaps nothing untoward there if that’s the case.

      My second is that it feels like you’re focused on the wrong things here. The date of the PIP matters somewhat less than the bigger picture that you’re on a PIP, presumably because you’re not meeting performance standards. In healthy workplaces, the PIP is intended to do two things – clarify the expectations and give you the opportunity to bring your performance up to those expectations. It isn’t meant to just give you a specific amount of advance warning that you’re going to get fired; it’s meant to say “If you can do these things, you can avoid being fired.” And ultimately, a reasonable boss would much prefer to see someone complete a PIP with flying colors than the alternative of yanking someone’s source of income away from them.

      The PIP extension and the feedback that you’re improving says to me that your manager thinks you’re moving in the right direction but you’re still not where you need to be. The demonstration of forward progress is likely why it’s a PIP extension rather than an outright firing at the original end of the PIP, so in that sense this is good news. Bosses generally don’t extend PIPs when their goal is to fire someone ASAP.

      The real question for you to answer here is if you’re capable of reaching the standards laid out in your PIP and if you want to. It kind of feels like you don’t based on the fact that you seem not-thrilled about your workplace/manager, but only you can decide this. If you do decide to move on, it’s worth it to be introspective about why this role didn’t fit you. Wrong sort of work? Wrong environment? External personal factors? The answer to that question will likely point the way to how best to talk about it with a prospective employer.

  150. Big Hair No Heart*

    Looking to make a career change, and I’d love some feedback!

    My main job is at a non-profit and the culture/hours are starting to get to me. I want to do something else, but I don’t know what. In my spare time, I coach an academic team at my local high school. I love it! Teaching isn’t for me (too much disciplining troublemakers in my experience, which is frustrating), but coaching students who are willing to be coached is very fulfilling. If I could do this full time, I would.

    So I’m looking for a career that has some of the same elements as coaching. I like to teach people who are eager to learn, help people grow and improve in a subject they like, enjoy putting together lesson plans/materials, and like both one-on-one sessions as well as presenting to groups. I was thinking maybe corporate training could be a good path for me to investigate, but I have no idea how to get into this field. How can I find entry-level work training people in a professional environment? Should I look at HR type roles that have training in the description? Thanks!

    1. Big Hair No Heart*

      *That should read: “I enjoy putting together lesson plans/materials, and like one-on-one sessions as well as presenting to groups.”

    2. Rincat*

      I think your instincts are right on this one – definitely sounds like corporate trainer. You could go for HR type training, but also many companies like software vendors need trainers as well, and have huge training programs. Sometimes their trainers are gleaned from former developers/techs, but often they are not.

      “Instructional Designer” and similar type titles are something to look into, but be aware that if those positions are for colleges, they often want a master’s degree in that field and you’d be doing a lot of curriculum design.

  151. Long time lurker*

    So there was a letter (I think from earlier this week?) about wearing the same trousers within the same work week. I’m kind of paranoid about looking weird by wearing clothes so often so the comments were insightful as to what is socially acceptable. xP
    But now I have a question. How often do you were the same shirt? A few days a week? Once every week? Every two weeks? Less?

    1. Cordelia Vorkosigan*

      Once a week. I have no problem wearing the same pair of pants several days a week, but I try not to re-wear a shirt within the same week. I just think shirts are more noticeable than pants.

      However, if one of my co-workers re-wore a shirt in the same week, I doubt I would either notice or care, so I don’t think it’s a big deal if you want to.

    2. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      I have basically a uniform, which is a black tunic dress (with or without dark grey leggings), often with an open cardigan over it. So, I think you can wear whatever you want whenever you want. :) I have def worn the same shirt multiple times in a week, every day would be stretching it for something really distinctive, but honestly, people probably don’t notice.

    3. Joielle*

      I try to stick to once a week, but I have a lot of outfits that look similar. I pretty much wear grey/black pencil skirts and grey/black/striped v-neck shirts with a cardigan or blazer every day. I try to mix it up with a scarf or something if I’m wearing basically the same thing twice in a week. But, I don’t think anyone would notice either way unless it was something really bright or with an unusual pattern.

    4. Rincat*

      I typically wear the same shirt only once a week, but that’s because I sweat profusely, even in cold environments – it’s an anxiety thing. I don’t feel like my shirts are fresh enough for the office after one wear.

      I have worn a casual shirt at home more than once during the week, but that’s usually because I’ve only been wearing it an hour or two and it still smells fine. But 8+ hours…nope.

      However most of my shirts look the same because I do the “uniform” thing – most of them are tunic-type shirts in either black or gray, so they probably all look the same to everyone else!

    5. Tobeornot*

      It’s so hard because it’s not like I have limited clothing, but I get favorites pairs that I wear out!

      1. Rincat*

        That’s me, too! I go through cycles with my favorites – I only want to wear a specific pair of shoes, or type of pants, etc. I also do this with music I listen to and TV shows. It’s like I’m binging on one item of clothing and then when I’m done, I move on to the next clothing binge…

    6. Willow Sunstar*

      It depends on the shirt. Usually, I do only two loads of laundry on the weekends and wait on the rest, since I have to pay for my laundry. So it winds up being alternating tops every other week. If it’s during the cold season and I have to wear a cardigan, I change the layering top and alternate. I might change accessories so it doesn’t look identical to the other week’s outfit. Different accessories can help so others don’t notice as much.

    7. anonnynerd*

      The same exact shirt? Once a week.
      Sometimes I get weird looks because I also volunteer for a shelter and the t-shirts they sell are soooooooooo comfy but only come in one color and I bought like… 6.
      I literally had to explain to my CEO that, no, I didn’t wear the same shirt everyday, I just have 6 of the same shirt.
      Talk about awkward.

    8. Halls of Montezuma*

      Not more than once a week, usually more like a couple times a month. I tend to go with pretty boring slacks and patterned or colorful tops, so it’d be pretty obvious (at least to me) if I were wearing the same shirt. I do laundry on weekends, and have to remind myself not to immediately wear my favorite shirt on Monday so that the people I only see at the weekly Monday meeting don’t think Montezuma only wears one shirt.

      At my last job, we had a guy who very obviously had a ‘uniform’ that he wore every day. It was definitely noticed and mocked, mostly good naturedly.

  152. Another bureaucrat*

    Last week I asked the commenters about how to ask about work/life balance (in relation to working with young kids) in an interview — this week I met with a former colleague who works as part of the same org I’m applying to (higher ed fundraising), but in a different office within that org. … and I’m not feeling great about it.

    We talked specifically about working with young kids and she said that she’s heard of people getting questions for leaving at 5 for daycare pick up. And that it’s a pretty straight 8-5 place and most people don’t have kids and may not understand the pressures. Ugh. She also talked around the office I’m applying to being a little chaotic and late on deadlines. This position would be a decent pay jump and a nice title, but…. I’m just not feeling great about that convo. I’m applying to a few other positions now, including one that specifically advertises being “family-friendly.” I know we talked about trade-offs in a thread a couple weeks back. May be time to start considering mine.

    1. beanie beans*

      Bummer! Although at least you’re getting this info ahead of time and not the day you started!

  153. strawberries and raspberries*

    Is anyone else’s office chair literally destroying their body?
    Is anyone’s office chair actually helping their body?
    Can the second group please chime in?
    I am in so much pain.

    1. beanie beans*

      Our office has the option of sit/stand desks, which I love. I switch about every 20 minutes since I hate to do either for too long.

      I think it’s totally reasonable to look for and request a better chair! Or to figure out if it might be something else – the height of the desk, positioning of the monitor/keyboard, etc, that’s making the chair so painful. Good luck!

    2. Fake old Converse shoes*

      The chairs here are ideal for tall people… and I’m short. I have such a bad posture that last month my lumbago hurt so much I couldn’t sit on my bed, let alone go to work. My abs hurt, my back hurts and my dangling feet make my legs hurt. Sometimes I use my jacket as a pillow but it helps very little. I miss my home office chairs, cheap but comfy.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I wish we could trade. Everything in my office is designed for little people. I’m turning into a hunchback.

    3. Voice from the wilderness*

      I had terrible back problems because of a bad chair.

      I bought a knee chair, or kneeling chair, and since then, no more problems.

      In order not to promote any particular manufacturer, here’s a link to a Wikipedia description of what I’m talking about. It’s not good for people with knee problems, but is very good for people with back problems.

      I have one in the office and two at home.

      Several of my colleagues have also gotten them and are very satisfied.

      Good luck. Good health!

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kneeling_chair

  154. Kimberlee, Esq.*

    Would love thoughts: my new manager is a pretty good one (yay!) but there’s one downside: I’m planning to leave the company next year to start my own business. So, I’m slightly at a loss when she asks me questions around retention. Like, how do you see your job developing over time?

    For long-range ones (where do you want to go in your career?) I am comfortable saying that I plan to be a founder or CEO, as I have in the past, without adding “… and I plan to do that 6 months from now.” I just don’t really know what to say to short-range questions, since my job as it is now is pretty straightforward and I’m not really looking to add additional facets (especially since I’m mid level, and when I leave I plan to give them the documentation I’m working on and tell them that they can replace me at the entry or near-entry level and save themselves about $10K.)

    1. Anony*

      Would saying that you are happy with your job as it is now be an appropriate answer? In general that runs the risk of looking unmotivated, but if you are leaving in six months, do you care about giving that impression? Something like “I’m really happy with my job the way it is now. I’ve been working on tasks A and B and right now I’m focusing on making task C more efficient.”

    2. MsM*

      Is she the kind of manager where you can just say you’re leaving in six months, and the two of you can work together to make the transition as smooth as possible? If not, or you’re not 100% sure your timeline will pan out the way you want it to, then I think you either do what you would be doing if you were planning to stick around, or focus on streamlining and documentation as goals to whatever extent you feel that’s not going to send up red flags.

      1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

        I’ll probably let her know when we’re closer to 3 months out; then I can probably spend time hiring my replacement and whatnot as well. This far out is just a bit too iffy; I don’t think I would get pushed out but it seems like a needless risk right now (though I would definitely prefer to just tell them, there’s no reason why my timeline wouldn’t work unless something really unexpected happened).

    3. Chaordic One*

      I would think that for now it would be O.K. to answer with how you would like things to fold out as if, in an alternate reality, you were to stay with the company. Or answer with how you think your successor would like things to unfold.

  155. Fake old Converse shoes*

    I arrived on Monday morning to find out that the PM had committed to a delivery date without consulting us. So this week was full of drama – we overtimed, the frontend devs threatened to quit without notice, one got ill and I ate little or nothing at all. Worst of all it was all for nothing because the servers broke hours before the person in charge deployed the changes.
    On the bright side, yesterday a recruiter at an important company invited me to their recruiting event for their European offices. It sounds pretty impressive (the company offers to cover all the relocation costs and housing), but at the moment my academic life is more important than leaving my country. Besides, the company has a reputation of burning their employees and glorifying workaholics, which is a big red flag for me. I haven’t answer the invite yet though.

  156. Bea*

    We just had a vacant slot open up when our lovely csr gave notice a couple weeks ago. Has anyone had a time when everyone that scheduled an interview no showed?! We had 5 out of 6 just not show up, my mind is blown. My boss is also shocked. Thankfully the one who did show up is a seemingly good fit so I’m staying positive but still shocked at the no shows.

    1. k.k*

      I can see this happening with a very entry level job, as in one where the applicants have little to no work experience and don’t know what a big deal this is. With more seasoned professionals, this is pretty shocking.

      1. Bea*

        Yeah, judging from their resumes they weren’t all greenhorns.

        I was wondering if it’s because many had mostly experience in organizations that do really big cattle call kind of employment opportunity “hiring”. So I was like “Yeah they want to break out of that rat race!!! Yes come to meeeee, I will release you into the wild!” and then nope, no show. Ick.

        I think where we went wrong is that the listing wasn’t detailed enough to stand out from those other ones with the “basic skills” you’re looking for but something to pop to say that this isn’t a call center. This is our one and only customer service position with backup from the other couple of office folks we have, including the “management” aka myself >_<

    2. Halls of Montezuma*

      Not at the scheduling stage, but I’ve had cases where everyone whose resumes made it through an HR cert failed to respond… probably because they were clearly the sort who threw their resumes in for everything and rated themselves as experts in everything to make it through USAJOBS, but knew nothing about the position!

  157. Mallory Janis Ian*

    I just found out that my former direct report lied about his degree on his application and for a year while he worked with me. He was always referring to his master’s degree, too: “I can’t believe I have a master’s degree and Mallory’s making me wash the dishes!”; “I can’t believe I have a master’s degree and Mallory’s making me put paper in the copy machine!”

    Now he’s moved on to another unit on campus, and I’ve moved on to another, different unit. However, he works now in the unit where I had previously worked for eight years and still have strong ties, and my boss and his boss are domestic partners. I hear through mutual former coworkers that he’s freaking out that I’ll find out and tell his current job about him, but I’m not going to do that unless directly asked. I told the HR rep at our previous workplace, and he will not be eligible for rehire there, but he’s on his own luck for whether or not his current workplace finds out.

    1. Rincat*

      Ugh, that is really obnoxious. Who the hell cares if you have a masters, if the copier needs paper???? Just fill the machine!!!

      1. WillowSunstar*

        I have a master’s and I have not only refilled paper, but also fixed paper jams. Hey, done paper jams require a master’s degree to fix!

    2. k.k*

      What’s even worse is that after lying about it on his application he had the nerve to constantly reference it! I can have a little sympathy for someone that lies on a resume out of pure desperation, but any trace of that goes out the window when they double down on it.

    3. Mallory Janis Ian*

      My one former coworker said that when she confronted him about it, he defended why he had lied by saying that he is single and us married people don’t know what it’s like to live on only one income. He has no remorse about it; he seems to think that any means justifies whatever end is good for him.

      1. fposte*

        Holy crap. Sounds like he’s just going to go through life getting passed around until he wears out his welcome.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I gave his current supervisor an honest evaluation of him (with what I knew at the time) and he decided to give him a chance anyway. Which I think means his hiring pool must have been pretty slim, because if he’d had a close second, I think the reference I gave would have caused him to turn to the second-choice candidate. At least I can say I was honest and they can’t say they weren’t warned, if he should happen to exhibit the same behavior there that he did with me.

      4. Ann O.*

        Why don’t you plan to report this? It sounds like well earned karma, plus that is a pretty big deal.

        I will never understand people who do stuff like this.

    4. neverjaunty*

      Serious question, why not tell the current workplace? This isn’t a ‘he’s a jerk’ issue; this is a serious integrity issue.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        My first reaction was not to tell at all, since he’s moved on and I’ve moved on. Then I couldn’t stand feeling like I was complicit in covering for him, so I called up our old HR guy and told him, and I was going to leave it at that. But it’s still weighing on me, and I have drinks next week with a couple of my former coworkers who were on his hiring committee, so I think I’ll tell them then. It’s not my job to carry his lie for him, and he has been so dishonest and lacking integrity that I think they should know. My initial reaction is always to exercise discretion until I think the situation through, and I think I’m done thinking through this one.

        1. Observer*

          Yeah. There are a LOT of things that I would keep my mouth shut about. But these are people you worked with, and with whom you still have ties with. More, this is your employer, which makes your obligation to report much higher.

          As for the “You guys have no idea what it means to live on one income” What is the guy smoking, anyway? He really thinks he’s the only applicant who lives on one income? This says that he’s not only a liar, but he’s a bad liar, and he’ll make up new excuses any time he gets caught out. Seriously.

  158. Cats of Katie Elder*

    I’m going to throw my boss’s radio out the window if I have to listen to Justin Beiber or “alyouhavetodois brayay just brayay” one more time. These songs play every hour! I hate pop music, and no, I can’t wear earbuds. :(

    2. Master Bean Counter*

      No, the appropriate response it to play “Henry the Eight” by Herman’s Hermits over and over.

  159. Me--Blargh!*

    *sigh*

    Almost nothing to apply to that didn’t have accounting/budget/expense reports/payroll.

    No response from any jobs I’ve applied for.

    No response from that proofreading job to my follow-up either; I suspect it’s gone. Moving on.

    Yet another book rejection and I can’t think how to revise to mitigate “I didn’t connect”, and I don’t want to chuck it but maybe I should.

    I submitted a story to a paying market but I doubt I’ll hear anything but No from that too.

    I also applied to a content writer job at a marketing firm here, and I included a required writing sample on a topic they specified and I was all “This is good,” but after I submitted the application I thought, “That’s probably not even close to what they’re looking for.” I don’t suppose they’ll pay even half the national average in THIS market even if they get back to me.

    At least the total eclipse was cool. :\

    1. N.J.*

      All I can say is that you are awesome. You always have insightful, intelligent and thoughtful commentary here and someone will see all you have to offer and respond sooner or later. Hang in there!

    2. LCL*

      I keep hoping you will find something. I would love to read more of your writing, do you have a patreon? I would subscribe.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        No, I don’t but maybe I should. I’m not much of a short story writer; I prefer the longer narrative arcs in books. But that’s something to consider.

    3. Kiwi*

      I wouldn’t try to revise to correct “I didn’t connect”. I’d just take that as meaning that’s not the agent for you and keep trying other agents. You don’t need to connect with every agent. Although, have you read Queryshark? Brilliant stuff about how to write queries. And good luck! I keep hoping you’ll get a job too.

  160. Reorg, New Titles*

    My division is reorganizing. Some titles are changing, including some from Manager to Coordinator. It is intended to reflect a lower level of responsibility (i.e., some folks had titles that were overinflated), but is also positioned above “associates” and “senior associates.”

    Does that sound right to you? To me, a “coordinator” is junior or equivalent to an “associate.”

    1. self-flavoring bergamot teapot*

      I’m used to ‘associate’ being the entry-level position; I’ve been a sales associate a bunch of times. This might be a retail thing, though.

    2. Whosit*

      Honestly, it depends on the organization and sector. When I was working in the private sector coordinator was below manager, but shifting to non-profit humanitarian work a coordinator role is much more senior than a manager one.

    3. Reorg, New Titles*

      This is the social services/nonprofit sector.

      The current hierarchy (in program work; other departments have different title structures) is: Assistant –> Associate –> Manager –> Director –> Senior Director –> Vice President.

      The new hierarchy is: Assistant –> Associate –> Senior Associate –> Coordinator –> Director –> Senior Director –> Vice President

      1. k.k*

        I’m in the nonprofit sector and that seems right to me. For perspective, I’m in an associate role and am now job hunting for something higher, so I’ve been looking at a lot of listings for titles like coordinator and manager for their required experience and duties. Coordinator roles tend to be equal to or slightly below Manager roles, but still well above Associate.

  161. Rilara*

    How do you handle getting your last paycheck from a small company that is disorganized?

    I finished a paid internship at a really small engineering firm (about 6 employees in a family owned firm) two weeks ago. A couple days ago I was supposed to get my last paycheck, but when I called to pick it up, I was told that my last day needed to be confirmed with my boss before I could pick it up. I’m moving across the country for grad school next week so I really need the money to handle moving costs. The move is understandably causing me a lot of stress, so am I wrong for feeling frustrated about this? The person in charge of payroll and my boss are both incredibly forgetful, so I don’t want to irritate them by calling too much about it, but I also want my paycheck!

    I left on a high note and otherwise really loved the internship, so I really would hate to ruin my experience with the company because of this. Anyone in a similar situation have any advice for when I should try calling again about it? All of my previous jobs were at huge companies with automatic direct deposit so I’ve never faced this issue before.

    By the way, the person in charge of payroll is semi retired and also my boss’s mom, so it makes me even more anxious about handling the situation poorly.

    Thanks in advance for any advice!

    1. MsM*

      I think it’s okay to be direct: “I’m moving next week, and I’d really like to get this squared away before I leave. Can you get it to me by [reasonable time before whatever the drop-dead deadline is]?”

      1. Rilara*

        Thanks MsM. I think what makes me more nervous about it is that when I called about my paycheck, it seemed like they weren’t even sure if I was still owed one. I hate to have to feel like I’m arguing with people I had a great relationship with throughout the summer just to get my own money :(.

        I still haven’t heard from them today so I think I’ll give them a call on Tuesday and explain that I’ll be leaving the state in a couple of days and want to get this dealt with.

  162. Nancy*

    So, I start a new job in a week and a half! This blog certainly helped me on my way. I’m super excited, but kinda scared too. I guess it is expected. I’m closing out things at my current job and leaving on a good note (if things change in the future, I may come back). At my job, things have been dysfunctional for quite a while. Not enough people, a lot of transition and disruption, bad leadership, low pay, micro-management etc. My SIL is in HR and I talked to her about my fear (one Allison talks about) about taking some of this dysfunction with me. She says, that be aware that this might be an issues is a good indicator that I will be vigilant in not letting that happen. However, some things become second nature after 8 years and I might not realize I’m doing it. She suggested, when it feels right, to approach my new manager with this information. Saying that things were a little dysfunctional in my department and that I may have picked up some bad habits from it and don’t wish to carry those over to my new position and leadership. I’m ready and willing to change and I would appreciate, as my manager, if he notices anything that I can work on to please let me know. What do you guys think? Anyone have better wording?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes I could remind myself that micromanagement is actually excessive worry. It’s fear. Perhaps take a consoling tone? “Yes, boss, I know you worry about that, I got it.”

      But if a person loaded up with worry/fear does not want to be consoled there is not a lot you can do, except maybe move on.

      2. words mean things*

        You need to stop enabling that guy, he didn’t ‘ghost’ his GF he ABANDONED her.

  165. Tmarie*

    My job is changing in the next month or so. I am going to be in charge of inventorying a HUGE amount of fixed assets. The last full physical inventory was seven years ago. And the data in that file is not very helpful.

    Does anyone have any training tips for conducting physical inventories for thousands of assets? I’m feeling overwhelmed and could use some advice. Is there a good bar code system? How much do I push out to departments? I’m freaking out!

    1. Master Bean Counter*

      Do you have a tagging system? with asset numbers or bar codes? or will you basically be building everything from scratch?

      If the assets don’t have tags, tag them. Write down serial numbers, manufacturer names, and the location where you found them. With this information you can build a database and hopefully tie it back to the existing list.

      May the odd be ever in your favor!

      1. Tmarie*

        No tags, not many serial numbers. A database that was set up using generic descriptions from invoices, with no asset disposal forms turned in, ever. Is there a good generic tagging system I can look up? We have computers, and medical equipment and road maintenance equipment and freaking furniture over 20 offices. It’s so much.

        Also, the company would send me to related training if I knew what exactly to google that didn’t involve buying someone else’s services!

        1. Master Bean Counter*

          Google asset tags. Skip the bar codes. Chances are your company isn’t ready for that kind of investment. I like the metallic tags that have the company name on them.

  166. Need that money, honey*

    Is it reasonable to ask what to expect raise-wise at job interviews?
    I am in my second professional position, at my first job we got cost of living raises every year with no merit raises or real upward mobility. At my current job we do not get cost of living raises, no merit raises and no bonuses. The only way to earn more money is to get a promotion.
    I am about to start interviewing for a new job and want to know about my financial future if I take on any of the new positions but am unsure how to phrase it without sounding too motivated by money. That said, I’m a college graduate with tons of debt and my financial future is a big part of selecting a new position.

    1. k.k*

      You can phrase it as asking what types of opportunities for advancement there are. That will clue you into knowing about promotions. When answering, they might even mention something about cost of living raises. Otherwise, you really have to wait until an offer is made or salary is being discusses.

    2. Rincat*

      You can phrase it like asking about professional growth (for the merit raises and promotions) and then asking about benefits offered for everyone, and you can throw in “like health insurance, cost of living increases, employee services, etc”.

      I get your feelings on this as well. My last department only promoted people when there was a vacancy – they rarely created new positions, and those were usually only entry level. They never did actual merit raises (we got COL raises sometimes). I would ask what the manager’s thoughts on professional development are; maybe ask for some specific examples and questions like, what would you do for a star performer who seems to have grown out of the role?

      1. Need that money, honey*

        That’s excellent phrasing and advice. I’m just trying to marry my expectations to reality. I see friends working at awesome companies that give bonuses and raises like its nothing. I just don’t understand how I’m expected to make the same amount of money forever – especially when expectations and responsibilities increase.

        1. Rincat*

          I think a lot of it comes down to the bosses. I made an internal move earlier this year and I’ve already had a promotion that came with a great raise – it was a very fair salary for my skills and the market rate – and then my new boss and I have worked out a solid career development plan with real milestones. I’ve never had this before. In my former department, I only got promoted because of vacancies. It’s the same school, same budgets, etc. – but two vastly different bosses. My former boss would never have even given me the promotions because he just hated doing paperwork and really drug his feet on it. My new boss promoted me because I was already doing the work and he said I deserved the salary and title – and this was after doing the work for just a few months, not years and years like some people have to endure. It’s amazing!

          So all that to say, I’d dig into the hiring manager and try to elicit really concrete examples. Ask her to describe an employee she had developed. Pay attention to how vague or concrete she is when describing this kind of stuff. I mean I know the money is important, but this kind of discussion can also reveal the priorities of the hiring manager. Sometimes they are truly hampered by things like bureaucracy or budgets, but if they don’t specifically mention that, I think it would clue you into the type of manager this person is.

  167. Computer says no*

    Hello, I just got my first proper career related job in an office. I haven’t been given a dress code so I have just been going for basic skirt with different coloured tops. I haven’t started yet so slightly nervous. What are the best tips you guys have? This is my first non-retail job so you can tell my anxiety is bit like ‘What am I doing?’

    Also the position is as a Sales Administrator, is there anything I should know or read up on beforehand? I don’t want to fall short on my first week when I am already racked with nerves and I haven’t allowed myself to be excited yet. I just can’t because I feel like nothing is certain. I think I am suffering from imposter syndrome a bit and doubting myself. Thank you for any replies.

    1. Rincat*

      Clothing: basic skirt is good, I would also get some basic slacks. You can email your new manager and ask what the dress code typically is if you feel comfortable doing that.

      I don’t think you need to worry about falling short on your first week – few jobs expect you to grasp everything in one week! Usually the first week is just to get acclimated to your new environment, learn the processes of the department, etc. Use that time to ask a lot of questions about how things work around there. You will probably feel overwhelmed but really, it takes at least a few weeks to really get into it. Good luck!

    2. NicoleK*

      Here are my tips:
      1. Bring your lunch on the first day just in case lunch isn’t provided
      2. If you’re not sure of the dress code, business casual is your best bet
      3. carry a notebook with you to take notes
      4. give yourself plenty of time in the morning

      1. k.k*

        On the lunch thing – I usually bring something that can be easily stashed in a bag like a granola bar, crackers, water bottle, etc. Something that doesn’t require knowing if the office has a refrigerator or microwave, and won’t go bad if you end up not eating it.

        During the first week, spend a lot of effort observing others. This will help you to suss out the dress code, as well as office norms.

        1. k.k*

          Oh and feel free to ask a ton of silly questions! Now is the time to do it. Everyone expects the new person to ask how things work. Much better to ask now that to realize months into the job that you don’t know where all the bathrooms are. And good luck!

    3. Fabulous*

      Basic skirts are good, just be sure that they’re long enough that you don’t have to tug at them while you’re sitting. Agree with the slacks. Take note of what other people are wearing on your first day and you can generally emulate them too. No logos is a good general rule to follow.

      Regarding your follow up post below… They’ve already hired you, you shouldn’t need your references anymore. As for office etiquette:
      -Don’t eat at your desk unless they tell you it’s ok
      -Ask lots of questions and bring a note pad everywhere to write down notes
      -Take LOTS of notes! Especially when you’re learning new things, so you can reference them later
      -Make friends with the receptionist and/or office manager if there is one, they’re a good person to know
      -Might be worth bringing a pen and pad of paper with you if you’re not sure if one will be available for you there

      Sales Administrator could mean a lot of things. I work in sales admin and do reporting in Excel, PowerPoint presentations, data entry, database updates, etc. but your job could be completely different. If you’re not sure about how to use some computer programs (I’m not sure how prevalent they are used in retail environments) Google can be your best friend! I’ve been working in Excel for 10+ years and I still need to Google answers sometimes :) You can also ask if they have eLearning courses available you can utilize for your position.

      Good luck!

    4. beanie beans*

      Definitely worth asking whoever you’ve been communicating what the dress code is ahead of time so you don’t have to worry about under or over-dressing! It can seem like a silly thing to ask, but totally normal! “Hi, [person who offered me the job], I’m looking forward to my first day next week and just had a quick question – what is the typical dress code for the office? Thanks, and see you next week, [computersaysno].”

      And other people already offered great advice, just wanted to reiterate not to stress too much about what you should know – you’ll likely spend the first several weeks learning everything you need to know! They hired you because they saw skills and strengths that they like – not because you already know how to do the job. Good luck!

  168. Whosit*

    I’m a little late to the party, but I would appreciate some help regarding a problem colleague (or maybe it’s me?). I’m in my first supervisory role and I am technically managing two people. One does off-site work and is a hard worker; it’s helpful his objectives are very clear, but he gets things done. The other works with me in the same office and we are basically looking at each other all day long so I see what he is doing (or not doing) all day.

    The second employee has issues getting work done, but it’s intermittent and I can’t understand why. He is assigned work by both my manager and me and from what I can tell there is no sense of urgency for him to complete it. After asking around for some advice I’ve tried both giving him space and micro managing him, but neither seems to work.

    Without going into too much detail, he doesn’t seem to have a sense of urgency and actually spends a lot of time reading the news and I am pretty sure he watched a movie one day while at work. I’ve tried to outline his work for him so the steps are obvious and follow-up on them, but I can’t seem to get him to work faster/more efficiently. When I have pushed him about getting things done (calling people, setting up meetings) he gets defensive and has told me before that I can do it myself.

    Oddly enough, last week he seemed to turn it around and scheduled a bunch of meetings we’d been waiting on and started moving some work. It would be lovely if this were a permanent change, but I’m not hopeful.

    Can anyone give general tips on how to get better results? I’ve tried weekly check-in meetings to discuss priorities and regularly following, along with asking him if he sees any obstacles to completing his work and he generally doesn’t have any.

    I can give more specific examples by reply if needed.

    1. MsM*

      Have you spelled out for him that it’s one thing to work at his own pace as long as stuff gets done in a timely fashion, but when meetings are being held up because he’s too busy surfing the internet – and you know that’s what’s happening, because you can see him – that’s unacceptable? If so, and he’s still telling you to do it yourself, it might be time to talk to your manager or HR about formal improvement plans and what happens if he still isn’t consistently committed after that.

      1. Whosit*

        Beyond inquiring about where things stand and why they haven’t moved forward faster, no. I feel a little apprehensive to demand things I guess? (He’s at least 15 years older than me.)

        I know that I take breaks from my work during the day to check news, so I feel guilty getting on his case about it. I also have the feeling that mine is 5 minutes out of an hour, whereas his is probably 20-30 minutes. My way of compensating so far is when I see it I stop my work and check in with him about his.

        A note, we have no HR presence or HR policies to speak of. It’s three of us in the office and we’re pretty withdrawn from HQ. I’ve been looking to put an HR policy in place, but haven’t had the time to implement it yet. We’re planning on bringing the other employee on as a full-time employee and not a volunteer so I’m hoping to use that time to roll out HR guidelines and performance expectations.

    2. CatCat*

      Well, hopefully he actually is turning things around. Do you know if the other manager has said anything to him?

      If he does go back to his old ways, you’ve got a couple problems. It sounds like he (1) isn’t doing his job in a timely fashion, and (2) is insubordinate (“When I have pushed him about getting things done… he gets defensive and has told me before that I can do it myself.” I mean, he’s telling you, his manager, to do his job. What?)

      As to (1), have firm deadlines for his work. (It’s not clear to me that there are any time frames here, so could be be waffling because of that? He literally just does not know when things need to be done by?). As to (2), the steps with (1) may help stop this, but if he says anything like that again, I’d probably let it get awkward for some silent moments. A quiet stare can communicate quite a lot. And then tell him, “It is not acceptable for you to assign tasks to me or to tell me to do your job. Can you agree to refrain from doing that?”

      If he doesn’t improve after you have been crystal clear about the expectations for his work and his communication, it’s time to put him on a PIP and make it clear that his job is on the line if he does not improve.

      1. Whosit*

        I sincerely hope he is turning it around too! It’s been so nice seeing us make progress on things these past 2 weeks.
        A lot of our work doesn’t have hard deadlines associated with it; it just needs to get done and right now isn’t. I’ve tried conveying priority by saying “We need to do this. This is important. [Our boss] wants this to be done”. For some things it doesn’t make a difference.

        Thank you for the advice about staring in silence. I’ve used it before in other situations and it works. Right now when things get awkward I’ve been letting the subject drop, but I need to be more pointed about them.

        Also, we have no HR system in place right now; and honestly, I get anxious even thinking about proposing a PIP. I recognize this is an issue with me that I need to get over [quickly].

    3. NW Mossy*

      Give him deadlines and hold him to them. There’s very little ambiguity around “I gave you a deadline of Tuesday and it’s now Friday and it’s not done.” From there, it gets even less ambiguous to say, “You’ve missed X deadlines in the last month and that’s not acceptable. You need to hit your deadlines consistently to be successful in this position. Can you commit to doing that going forward?” And if that doesn’t produce the results you need, then it’s time to manage him out.

      He may argue about the deadlines you set, but you don’t need to entertain stuff like “Oh, they can’t possibly need that by Wednesday; Friday’s totally cool.” It’s enough that you’re the boss and you have the expectation that it’ll be done by X date, and you don’t strike me as the kind of person that’s going to ask turnaround times that are unreasonable even for a maximally productive person.

      It’s OK to make him own his behavior. He’s a professional adult, and it’s reasonable to expect him to work in a largely self-directed way without intensive hand-holding from you. If you have to stand over him with a stick to get him to do the work, you need to replace him with someone who’ll perform for you without that. Lots of people can and do work that way, and you’re within your rights to employ people like that preferentially over those who won’t act without a shove.

      1. Fabulous*

        I was just about to say this too – if I’m not given deadlines or have a specific timeline of when things are expected, I put them off too. I really suck at procrastination!!

        1. Whosit*

          Right? Me too. But here I have enough planning skills and experience (and people depending on me) that I’m trying not to put stuff off.

      2. Whosit*

        Thanks, some of the work has been a little bit ambiguous for us, but yeah, I do need to put hard deadlines in place. It just means I need to take more time away from my work to monitor him for a bit and I have work hanging over me too atm.

        Before I arrived (and my position didn’t exist before me), his level of completing work was such a concern that he’d been close to being let go, but the big bosses ended up changing their mind, so people are aware that there have and still are issues with his work. Unfortunately, now it’s directly affecting my work and how my boss views it.

  169. self-flavoring bergamot teapot*

    So, this is an issue I’ve had at a couple of jobs in the past and almost wrote in about it, but every time I started drafting a letter I realized I didn’t have standing to push back on my own and I’d already decided to quit a few months in the future, so my only actual question was ‘this is SOME CRAP, right?’ And I could ask that in an open thread!

    So: retail jobs where you are not allowed to call in sick unless you can arrange your own shift coverage. We had sick time because the state legally required it (not that you were encouraged to know you had it or use it), but you were not permitted to use any of it unless you, while sick, personally called or contacted other coworkers and asked them to come in on your day off, and found someone who was willing to do it. We weren’t managerial staff or anything, just basic minimum-wage floor workers. Management did nothing to help you with this except maybe tell you who wasn’t already working that day*.

    *Except one manager who got suddenly a lot more helpful when I showed up to our shared shift looking EXTREMELY infectious and miserable.

    This may or may not be common, but it’s a crappy policy and a crappy way to treat your employees, right? Or am I way off-base here? And do things like this generally happen outside of retail & other low-paid customer service jobs?

    1. Rincat*

      I think that’s pretty crappy. It’s been years since I worked retail/food service, but shouldn’t that be the manager’s responsibility?

    3. Courtney*

      This is super crappy. I worked at a retail chain for a long time and this was one of those things that seemed to depend on the manager – I had one amazing one who said our health came first. Unfortunately, he was the minority and too many retail bosses have the mindset that it doesn’t matter if you’re sick, the customers need assistance and so you had better figure it out. It definitely affects employee morale! My department once passed around a bad cold for like a month – imagine how that must have gone for any customers coming in with health problems!

  170. Computer says no*

    Also sorry to add but is there any office etiquette I should remember? And I was wondering about if I should bring references with me on my first week as I haven’t been asked for them?

    1. fposte*

      Dunno about the first because it got detached from your earlier post, but a “no” on the second.

  171. Anonnonnon*

    Any tips for job searching in a small tight knit professional community when you’re worried your boss will find out and fire you?

    1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      I’ve had luck in the past with just noting (either in my cover letter or, if you have connections with the hiring managers, in an email inquiring about the job) that I need to keep my inquiry confidential for the time being. I don’t know that it will especially help you, since most people assume that they should keep applications confidential, but that might at least cut out the number of people asking their acquaintances about you on the DL, which is probably how it would likely get to your boss).

  172. Startup Hell Lisa*

    I have modified my commenting name in accordance with this week’s revelation that Parent Company KNOWS they are violating US law on a massive scale, they just don’t CARE.

    I have a phone interview this afternoon and had an in-person interview Weds, pray for me. Tips on protecting yourself while getting out of a company where the CEO is personally endorsing a complete disregard for IP law welcome.

      2. The Voice of Reason*

        That was completely uncalled for. If you know anything about the ICT industry, you know that it’s virtually impossible to design a product without infringing on someone’s patent. The name of the game is patent licensing. There’s a strong incentive to cross-license, because the licensor is often better off with a new revenue stream from the startup.

        1. Startup Hell Lisa*

          I’m not sure who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about, but the issue at my company has nothing to do with patents. Maybe you meant to reply to a different comment?

    2. neverjaunty*

      Talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Not necessarily that you want to sue anyone – but you don’t want to be the scapegoat when this blows up, and when it does blow up, at a minimum you are very likely to get dragged into it.

  173. Master Bean Counter*

    What would you do?
    Your manager is basically MIA. He’s promised a deliverable for today. One that you are supposed to send out. The CEO really wants this out.
    You could do the work and get it ready to go. But your manager is not performing on many levels and this might be a good time to let the balls drop. He also gets paid almost twice your salary.
    Your pretty sure your boss has already mentally checked out of the job. You are also 90% positive he’s at an interview today.
    You can let the balls drop because this deliverable is above your pay grade and not your responsibility. It will reflect badly upon your boss and not you, to the point his job might be in danger.
    You can start juggling the balls yourself, get the deliverable done and look really good to youe CEO.
    Would you juggle the balls or let them drop?

      1. Snark*

        Also, I’d let your CEO know that you haven’t received the deliverable yet. At, say, 2-3 hours before COB.

    2. Toph*

      If it’s not assigned to you, and you’d just be doing it to cover because you think it’s not happening, I’d say don’t do it. If you think your manager forgot, you could remind/ask about it but then they might reassign it to you and you’re covering anyway. If there’s any reasonable expectation that you would pick up this slack, then you should just proactively do it. But if no one would have expected you to, and it’s not a promise you made, and not something you’re generally directly involved in, there’s no reason for you to do it. I’d also think of it this way: if you’re wrong and they are doing it unbeknownst to you, you might be doubling work. So you don’t do it and if it drops, it drops.

    3. Rincat*

      I’d let the balls drop. I would also let the CEO know about manager not delivering – not in a passive aggressive way, but just “I’m waiting on Manager for these items and haven’t received them yet, what do you suggest I do?” Treat it like the fact that it is and see how the CEO wants to handle it.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      If the CEO is aware that you’ll be the one sending it, it will make you look bad to not at least give a heads-up that it’s not coming. Would something like “I haven’t received the TPS report from Bob, and I just wanted to check and see if he’d sent it directly to you” fit in this scenario? Or was it supposed to be sent to someone other than the CEO?

    5. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      If you are certain the boss isn’t going to deliver by the time they need to, and it’s well within your abilities to knock out of the park, I would create it, send to CEO and your manager, with something like “I know MANAGER is really busy today, and this needs to go out, so I whipped something up.”

      The consequences will not be as satisfying as letting the ball drop, but I think they will be better, overall, and better for you.

      If it would mean you’d have to stay 4 hours late at work today to get everything done, though, then I’d let it drop. You don’t need to move heaven and earth to make it happen. But if you have capacity for it, I’d do it.

      1. Master Bean Counter*

        Love this!
        Actually I received further instructions on when and how to deliver it. The CEO is not impressed with how it went out. I told him, I followed the instructions of my boss. And now I’m in the middle of the mess again.
        Good thing I have a weekend getaway planned.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I also vote for letting them drop. In my humble experience, the people you’re catching the balls for won’t appreciate it (and that includes your CEO) and you’re only setting yourself up for more to be expected from you down the road (without any increase in compensation, let alone gratitude).

      1. only acting normal*

        +1 billion
        I used to catch and juggle all the balls – I got zero recognition (actually it was counted against me because I “wasn’t positive enough” about it) to the point I was actively blocked from promotion for *3 years* by the ball-droppers, and eventually I had a major burnout episode; 6 weeks signed off sick + several years of recovery. Ironically I got promoted later that year despite dialling way back on my work – all it took was a change of line management.

  174. Liz Lemon*

    Anyone here ever sue/threaten to sue their current employer?

    My company was acquired a year and a half ago, and among many issues, they kowe our sales team commission from 2016 sales. (Basically: 2017 terms are different because of new parent company, but they aren’t honoring our 2016 employment letter/the terms of our commission from last year.)

    I’ve been politely and consistently following up for a while now, and today my boss referred to it as a ‘fairness’ issue. I pointed out that fact, it’s a legal issue! And now I’m thinking that might be my only avenue to getting paid.

    I am searching for a new job, but I would prefer to get paid before leaving as it’s in the thousands! I just want to get this issue resolved!

    1. Amber Rose*

      Talk to an employment lawyer. Maybe a sternly worded letter from a lawyer is what is needed. If not, they can help you move forward in the process. But you might as well get what you’re owed.

  175. Rincat aka the Higher Ed Database Dork*

    I just want some commiseration with dealing with SSL certs…it’s a nightmare…literally a nightmare, I’ve been having stress dreams this week about an SSL cert problem on a WebLogic server. Just work, dammit!!!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Anything to do with networking gives me a headache. Fortunately, for outward-facing servers, Let’s Encrypt and certbot make my life easier, but for the self-signed internal stuff… annoying as hell.

      1. Rincat*

        That sounds like a dream! Part of what’s making this a nightmare is that I have ZERO networking experience – I’m a database developer. But we’re implementing a business intelligence stack and this is part of the installation, so we’re responsible for it.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          No, same here… I know very little about networking and have learned just enough to do other parts of my job.

  176. Anna Held*

    It’s a liberal arts degree — the artes liberales, skills necessary for a free man, i.e. citizen. It’s not about a certain skill set (that’s a tech degree), it’s about being able to research and think critically and have a broad base of knowledge, plus be able to do things like read and write well. How many people still use that math or poly sci degree? Most people change fields.

    If they’re being a jerk, though, it’s not about the degree, it’s about their tiny little egos getting a boost from putting you down. It’d be something else if it wasn’t this. I’d just smile and say that it got you here, didn’t it? Or that you’ve always found it very useful.

    They can suck it. Translation is HARD.

    2. Anna Kay*

      Thank you, Anna Held! And thanks for recognizing that translation is demanding work :) It certainly is but I love it!

  177. Mallows*

    Advice please!! I have 1 definite job offer, 1 potential job offer, and I have the option to keep doing what I’m doing.

    Potential job offer – is work I enjoy much more than that of the definite job offer. However, it is a corporate position and it is political and fraught and the job itself may be merged with an existing position once the C-suite reviews the structure it will be part of. I am doubtful that if the two were merged, that I would end up in the merged position.

    Definite job offer – is work I am pretty meh about. However, I’m afraid to turn it down & find that potential job offer is no longer a thing. I fear the potential travel and/or long daily commute to site offices with this one, too.

    I think both positions offer opportunities for advancement. I have just moved to a new city and the definite job would cement me into the structure of this office, maybe a good thing, maybe not. The potential job keeps me here but puts me under the corporate umbrella.

    I am afraid I am going to have to make a decision on the definite job before I know about the potential job. I cannot get either one to talk about salary and that is a big consideration. I don’t know that I would accept either one without a substantial raise (like 15-20%)

    What would you skilled negotiators do? I would be fine continuing to do what I’m doing, really, except I deserve more money, even without either promotion. I am SO FRUSTRATED – this has been going on for a month now.

    1. Small but Fierce*

      Any chance you could mention definite job offer to potential job offer so they could expedite the offer if they intended to give it to you?

      Also, how do you have a definitely job offer without salary details? A definite offer (in writing) should have that information.

      1. Mallows*

        Potential knows about definite and is pushing as hard as they can, but…corporate bureaucratic mumbo jumbo

        By definite I mean that the job is mine if I want it -it is being created and someone needs to fill it and it was offered to me first with no competition. It isn’t formalized, true. What I don’t know is whether I will want it when the salary is revealed.

    2. Mr Obvious*

      I’ll not comment on the timing issue, but as between the two: absolutely take potential job offer. Talk with them about what will happen to the position after the merger. However, you’ll have your foot in the door in the new industry, new contacts, and can parlay your experience even if the position is merged out.

  178. Jareth*

    Hi! I have a work/personal crossover question so lmk if I need to go ask Prudence instead of the commenteriat.
    I’ve been working one to three jobs continuously since graduating college two years ago. All my bosses have praised me for my professionalism, my organization, and my hard work. Due to working , on average, 60 hours a week with no overtime (multiple jobs) or PTO, I am now burnt out. One of my current two jobs ends in five weeks. Cool. My current main job I’ve committed to until April; it’s a small company (I’m one of five people, and the only person who regularly does what I do). and me leaving would completely rock their growth trajectory. Come April, I plan on quitting then finding a part time job or a paid internship in my desired field so I can actually use my degree and my love for said field.

    So far, so good.
    My partner of two years thinks I’m not moving fast enough. He says I should demand fewer hours in the job ending in five weeks (I already asked for fewer and they gave me half-days rather than give me days off entirely), and that my main job is too labor-intensive and that he doesn’t want to live with “a cripple by age 35.” The job is hard on my body in small ways like chronic carpal tunnel and trigger finger, but what my partner is getting at is he wants me to prioritize me (and him) and some vague “happiness” over work commitments.

    How do I get it through my partner’s head that I am doing the best I can to reduce work load, and that radical career changes and time commitments don’t happen overnight?

    *PS my partner has never help a full time job for more than a year, whereas I’ve been working full time since I was 17, for 2-3 years per place as college allowed.

    1. Blue Anne*

      Your partner actually said he “doesn’t want to live with a cripple by age 35”?

      Good lord. What a thing to say.

      Don’t get me wrong, your career sounds really intense and I can understand why you’re burnt out. But it sounds like you’re reducing it to a healthy level over a reasonable time frame. To me, it’s your partner’s attitude that seems like the problem here.

    2. fposte*

      Have you two talked about the future together, and how you see it individually and jointly? It sounds like he may think of work as something you do just enough of to pay for the hours outside of it, while you find value in the achievements and the contribution and see a long-term trajectory. Neither of those are inherently great or inherently bad, but they tend to lead people in different ways. If you two want to buy a house in 10 years or pay off loans or retire before 70, how is that going to be achieved together? Are the sacrifices each of you have to make for those goals, whether it be spending less time together, working more hours, living under restrictions on discretionary spending, things you’re both clear on? (IOW, does he get that not only do you want to do this work but that if you dial back there’s less money in the house?)

      1. Jareth*

        I’ve tried to talk future with him. He vaguely wants to move to California but has no plan or steps to get there. This would be a good time to talk about it again, though, so thank you for the reminder!

        We’ve talked about how we benefit differently from work (I do appreciate the achievements, whereas he feels he has to work too hard and get too stressed to do base-level work well — my understanding is that he feels this way due to a string of bad employers (don’t be a stock broker when you hate selling stocks, btw)). The only reason I’m able to think about an internship or part time work in a half year is because my partner has moved in with me and is helping with rent so less money in the house has been addressed. So it’s all the more weird to me that he doesn’t think I’m moving fast enough since I’ve thanked him many times for moving in and helping with rent while he’s still job-hunting.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Sounds like the fact that you have your life together is starting to make him feel insecure, and he’s asserting control of his life by trying to drag you down and issue you orders.

          You can’t get anything through his head that he doesn’t want to hear.

          You also don’t have to take orders from him. Assure him that you’ve got everything under control and keep on as you are.

  179. Competent Commenter*

    How do you manage your conflicting areas of responsibility when you’re essentially your own admin? I feel like my inbox runs my work life.

    As a one-person department, I handle all the emailed requests related to our teapot decorations, design and apply the decorations, manage all the teapot decorating projects like hiring vendors for glazing and arranging for them to be shipped on time, and direct the big-picture of our teapot decorating program. There are also lots of meetings to talk about teapot decorating that often involve me walking out with more work. It’s like a three-person job, and a lot of the work is fairly public.

    I get a lot of blow-back from colleagues/customers/senior teapot makers if I’m not responsive to the email requests, but also a lot of blow-back when the teapots aren’t designed and decorated on time. Clearly it’s an untenable position and I actually am making progress on getting more help, have documented the issues so my reviews are still good, etc. But it’s going to be a few months at best until I get more help so I need to have a better strategy now for at least feeling more sane.

    I’ve considered asking my supervisor if I could have 1-2 days/week of “no” email, where I have some sort of outgoing message indicating that I’m not responding by email today except for emergencies, but that does mean it will stack up. I’ve also considered 1 hour on/1 hour off email throughout the day, trying the “only answer email 3 times/day” etc. But it all makes me really anxious. I feel so virtuous when I get my inbox cleared out, then freak out about the teapots awaiting decoration, and vice versa.

    1. Passing Through*

      Could you try organizing the day into blocks of time where you tune out other things to work on teapot decorating for X amount of time and then spend Y amount of time reading/answering emails?

    2. MsM*

      Having designated response periods during the day and an out-of-office note that in an effort to balance incoming communications with hands-on project work that may take you away from your desk, these are the times you’re available and here’s an emergency contact works well for the people I know who’ve implemented it.

    3. Fabulous*

      +100 on the auto reply, it could help set expectations of when you’ll be able to respond to them.

      Also… Have you tried creating “rules” for your emails? I get 50+ emails daily, yet only see maybe 5-10 in my inbox. For example, you could set a rule saying “Any email received from fergus@teapots.com filter to the Decorations folder” or ” Any email with DESIGN in the subject filter to the Design folder” and so on. Create folders based on projects, vendors, etc. whatever would be the best way to categorize your tasks. That way, you can get to them on your own time and do not have the constant interruptions of new emails.

    4. KR*

      Hi! I think k you’re really going to have to set specific times on your calendar that is time to handle emails (maybe in the morning when you first get in and in the early afternoon so you have time to address things before to go home) and deal with the blowback if your email responses are delayed. Can you ask your supervisor to support you if you get blowback at least until you get some help? After a while these impatient people might get their expectations reset. I’m sorry you’re so overworked. This sounds like a great use of your outlook/Gmail calendar and blocking off time to so specific things. Feel free to put your status as busy while you’re doing work – people aren’t going to leave you alone but you can sign language via your calendar when you’re going to be responsive or not (assuming your calendar is visible to other employees). I think using your calendar night also signal to others just how busy you are. For instance, I don’t get mad when certain people take forever to answer emails or I have to bug them because I know they are super duper busy.

      1. KR*

        Oops I see two other people suggested the same thing I did while I was composing this long text block. Oops

      2. zora*

        I’m going to highlight what KR said about your supervisor here, though. The biggest part of this problem is not something you can fix, you need your supervisor on board. If she was a good boss, she would support you and have your back in telling people they need to be patient waiting for email responses. You need to go to her and explain what is happening, exactly what the ‘blowback’ looks like and ask her what she wants you to do. Ideally, you woudl do what others have said, and limit your email answering time, but that will result in a longer response time.

        Again, Ideally, your boss would be proactive and tell the other departments: we are understaffed. Until that is resolved, you will see a longer response time to emails from our department. You will receive an answer to your emails within [48 hours/72 hours, whatever]. You’ll just have to deal with it, this is our capacity until we add staff, and there’s no possible way to speed this up. If you need something urgently in less than the stated response time, you need to email me [Boss] and explain the circumstances. If I agree that a faster response is needed, I will get it moved ahead in the queue.”

        You really need backup here, this isn’t your fault and you can’t resolve it by yourself.

        1. Competent Commenter*

          Oh so true. Thanks for the words of support. I’m advocating for all you suggest and do see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    5. Competent Commenter*

      Great feedback and suggestions! Thank you all. I struggle to do things like set specific times to check email, so it helps to know that people really do this and it works for them. It will make it easier to propose things to my supervisor and easier to try it. :)

      1. zora*

        sometimes there’s a little trial and error to get just the right reminder for you. I have to set phone alarms, or have something with a noise. I find it too easy to ignore my computer calendar. But just keep trying until you find something that works for you!!

  180. Snark*

    So my client just walked into my office while I was headbanging to some really aggressive punk rock. 60 year old guy, beard, kindly. He just watches me for a second, then throws the horns, headbangs a few times, and walks out.

    4. Fabulous*

      Reminds me of the time a high $$ investment client commented that he thought my nose ring was badass :)

  181. ElectricKatyland*

    Asking the hive for advice on how to best mentor a new manager remotely. Here’s the scenario: I hired two employees to work at one site, and I have been managing them remotely for 2.5 years. Logistics in a project have changed, and my supervisor has suggested that another team member at that site should take over day-to-day management and supervision of my two employees, since all three of them are in the same city. That’s fine by me. This employee is very capable and we all get along well, but she has no management experience. My supervisor has asked me to serve as a mentor and resource for her as she transitions into this management role. I’m stumped when it comes to ways that I could actually help this colleague grow as a manager from afar. Any experience or suggestions for what I might be able to do to will be welcome!

    1. Chaordic One*

      A lot of this can be handled over the phone or over Skype. If you’re doing it over the phone, for goodness sake have a decent landline for both yourself and your mentee. Also, have your mentee get a decent speaker phone so her hands are free. I don’t know how often you feel the need to keep in touch, but I would guess 2 or 3 phone meetings of between 20 to 30 minutes every week. Then it would be helpful if you could meet with her in person for an hour or two every couple of weeks or so. Depending on logistics, try to trade off, you visit her at her site, she visit you at your site.

      Then taper off after a couple of months as she gets more experience and confidence. You’ll still need to keep in touch but it might taper off to a phone call once a week and meeting in person only every month or 2, with the understanding that you’re to be consulted for any emergency or thing that is weird.

  182. Microbiology Job Idea Seeker*

    Hello! Asking for my younger brother, who is graduating in the spring with a bachelor’s degree in Microbiology. He’s not entirely sure what he wants to do with his degree after school, so I was hoping some folks with Microbiology degrees (or who know someone with a Microbiology degree) could chime in about their field/industry and/or some industry specific job boards that are useful. I was idly wondering if he would be able to go into industrial hygiene with that degree, but haven’t come up with much concrete information from a few (admittedly quick) google searches.

    1. Simone R*

      Does he have lab work experience? That’s where most of my peers with bio/chem degrees ended up after graduation. I found it hard to find jobs for people with only a bachelor’s in industry (I didn’t try too hard so others may have better advice on this!), but many academic labs hire people to be lab technicians with the expectation that they are getting people right out of undergrad who will stay for a few years and then go on to grad school, med school, industry etc. I looked at the careers page for big hospitals in the city I lived in and applied through that. People usually hire for summer start dates as early January/February knowing that they’re getting people still in school.

      1. Microbiology Job Idea Seeker*

        Thanks so much! He doesn’t have any lab work experience but I will point him this way. I really appreciate your thoughts!

  183. Anon for Now*

    Sooo this week was my first time heading up a disciplinary action. New information I uncovered turned a feedback session (already unlikely to be super pleasant because the feedback was not good) into a BFD, and there will be a big meeting next week where it’s very possible Employee will either be fired or quit. This part is really hard, I see why so many managers are avoidant. Advice for having a productive disciplinary meeting with a blame-thrower? (Both my meeting with Employee and the follow up e-mail sent to complain about said meeting to my boss smacked of “not my fault, I didn’t do anything wrong, Anon doesn’t know what they’re talking about.” I do think Employee believes this, but it’s not helpful in getting the issues corrected.)

    2. NW Mossy*

      Here’s some call-and response scripts, delivered in the calm, patient tone of a psychologist:

      “It’s not my fault!” -> “You have ownership over this task/project/process/thing, and you are accountable for the results.”
      “I didn’t do anything wrong!” -> “That said, the outcome was not what’s expected/not to standard.”
      “Anon doesn’t know what they’re talking about!” -> “I don’t see it that way.”

      All of the above can be followed up with “What I need from you now is a commitment that you will do/not do X in the future. Can you do that?” You do not need to justify why you need him to do/not do X; I’m assuming here that whatever you need from his is within normal professional bounds and appropriate to his job.

      Also, it’s perfectly fine to call out the blame-throwing itself as a problem behavior because it is! Sample script: “When I gave you feedback, you responded by blaming others and refusing to own your part of the outcome. That can’t happen. Everyone who works here needs to be able to take feedback on their performance and use it to improve their future performance. If you continue to do this, your job is at risk.”

  184. Jessen*

    Question on the whole job-hopping thing: how much does it weigh in on non-professional versus more professional jobs? Right now I’m working in a call center, and simply put I’m having an issue where what they’re paying me isn’t sufficient to meet my expenses (mostly because their insurance is crap). I could probably make the jump to another call center that pays a bit better and has much better benefits. I don’t really care what I do on that end as long as it pays enough for income to be greater than expenses on my own.

    At the same time, I’m trying to make the jump from call center work into a classical school teaching position. I know looking for a new job right after changing jobs is frowned upon, but I’m wondering if it would be so bad in this case? I don’t have a lot of post-education job history, just a year of retail and then a year of call center, which I’d normally consider pretty job-hoppy. But I’m wondering if it’s different because of the type of jobs?

    I’m worried because I really need a better job now, but I also want to try to get out of call center work.

    1. Fabulous*

      I can’t speak for everyone, but I think being a couple years out of school and having a couple jobs isn’t going to look job-hoppy to me. When I graduated, it was right at the start of the recession in 2007 so I had 3-4 jobs within a couple years bc I was laid off, then had a series of short-term temp or seasonal positions. I even ended up leaving the longer term job I got (ironically in a call center too) for the same reason you are; the pay is shit. I feel your pain.

      A good place to start getting into the professional world could be to look at receptionist positions (possibly in a school) which would build on your call center experience. Good luck on your search!

      1. Julianne*

        If the goal is to get into teaching (which I think it is), I wouldn’t suggest seeking an administrative assistant or receptionist position in a school as a way of getting in the door. I’m a teacher and I sit on interview committees, and I would think it was kind of bizarre for a receptionist candidate to state that their long-term goal is to become a teacher, since being a receptionist – even at a school – isn’t going to move them towards that goal. (The same would go for any other non-instructional position; working in a school building in a non-instructional capacity will not convince most school hiring committees that a candidate belongs in a classroom.)

        Jessen, is there a reason that you couldn’t apply for a job as a paraprofessional or teacher’s aide, or perhaps as a teacher or group leader at an after school program? (You mention low pay in call center work, which I recognize could be a concern in entry-level jobs in education.) If the school year has just started or is about to start near you, fear not – lots of districts hire for instructional support positions (paras, substitutes, etc.) throughout the year. I would not worry about schools looking askance at short stints in call centers at all, at least not for positions in traditional school settings, so I think you could comfortably move to a higher-paying call center in the interim, if necessary. (I can’t speak for how an after school program might look at that, however, as I’ve never been involved in hiring in that setting.)

        1. Jessen*

          The kind of school I’m looking at doesn’t really do those sorts of positions. I’m looking specifically at classical schools, which don’t generally require a teaching degree but do require an advanced degree in a specific subject. I almost certainly don’t have the credentials for a more mainstream school.

          I’m also looking at potentially getting some computer skills for another backup plan. But right now I just need to be somewhere stable enough to put more energy into it. I’m living at home right now and just so much of my spare energy is going to bullshit family drama…

          1. Julianne*

            Ah, okay. I’m not familiar with classical schools, so I misunderstood the term. I would guess that the point about school hiring committees not caring too much about short stints in other fields still stands, but that’s only a guess.

            Good luck with your next steps!

    2. MommaTRex*

      I think it IS different because of the type of jobs. It seems more understandable to have short stints with retail and call center jobs.

  185. Dzhymm, BfD*

    So: what do you do when a former employee, who was let go for performance reasons, comes back and asks you for a reference?

    I own a small business, and until five years ago I had only one employee, “Jane”. While Jane was helpful to the business at first she became increasingly difficult as time went on… sometimes regressing into fullblown teenagerhood. We had developed a number of bad habits over the years, and when I tried to correct these she would resist tooth and nail (e.g. Me: “We have to write All The Things down when we take an order” Jane: “But I’m dyslexic! Writing Is Hard!”). One time I said something like this and I swear she regressed to age 14 and stormed off into the next room.

    Five years ago I’d had enough, and not only did I let her go I closed the business for a reboot. Now she’s coming back to me asking for a reference. I haven’t responded yet but the responses I’m thinking of range from “Are you kidding?” to “Have you grown up since you were working for me?”

    Thing is, she has done a number of things since I let her go (gone back to school, gone for a webmasters certificate, worked for other places) and she may very well have filed off the rough edges, but I don’t know this for sure.

    How would you approach this?

    1. NW Mossy*

      Since it’s your business, you can decide what you do/don’t want to say. Many big companies (my own is one) won’t allow us to give a reference for a termination-for-cause and will limit our response to dates of employment and confirmation of title, but that’s a pretty conservative approach. That said, it might be a good one if you just don’t want to engage on this at all.

      If you feel like being kind towards her and honest with reference checkers, you can say “Jane, when you worked for me you demonstrated some weaknesses in X, Y, and Z, and we talked about those things when I let you go. If you ask me to be a reference for you, I’ll tell those who call about what I saw from you. That may or may not be who you are now, but I can only comment on the work you did for me then.”

    2. neverjaunty*

      You answered your own question: you don’t know for sure. Therefore you can’t give her a reference. The point of a reference is to share information about what you know, meaning how this person performed as an employee when she worked for you.

      Also, the fact that it didn’t occur to her that you wouldn’t be a good reference is pretty indicative that she hasn’t learned much.

    3. Voice from the wilderness*

      You could say that your policy is only to confirm dates of employment. This allows you to avoid any emotional issues.

  186. Sylvan*

    I might hate sending invoices, but I love when people pay them.

    Got a few hundred dollars coming to me just before rent is due. \o/

  187. Free Meerkats*

    Thought I had nothing to say today.

    But our new guy (started in June) just turned in his notice. He basically accepted a counteroffer from his previous place after they reclassified the position and gave it a raise.

    I sure hope the other guy who was essentially tied with this one is still available…

    1. fposte*

      The new guy that you finally managed to hire after two years? Oh, boy. Good luck on the runner-up.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Yeppers.

        The guy we didn’t hire was my and my manager’s choice of the two, though they really were tied. His manager settled on the one we hired for two reasons, he was local – the good reason; and he has an engineering degree – the not-so-good reason.

        There were three people on the Civil Service list, these two and one we don’t want, though he’s qualified. So if the other guy isn’t available, we wait until the list expires to start again (it’s a 12 month list.)

        While I mostly like the way the Civil Service system levels the playing field, there are times when it’s a royal pain.

  188. Anon here*

    I just started a job- just finished my third week- and it’s a different environment. It’s more outgoing than my last job. The people are very social and like to tease one another- I’m more introverted and quiet. I still try my best to say “good morning” and “good night”, compliment others, but some either ignore me or pass by me. I have “resting b!tch face” so I look upset or something, but I can’t help it. I try and smile more but that can look creepy.

    I used to go to lunch with a group of people, but they go out now and seem to avoid me. One lady complains about how quiet people scare her.

    I really want to fit in because my last job was horrible and toxic. Do you think it’s a bad fit or should I give it more time?

    1. fposte*

      I think you should give it more time and figure out some ways to connect more. Maybe find somebody who seems on the sympathetic side and ask them to be your culture guide and mouthpiece. Make sure that quiet doesn’t come across as uninterested in other people–you don’t have to talk about your own life, but it’ll likely really help you if you show interest in other people’s.

      But you’re there only three weeks, and because you’re quiet you haven’t given them much to go on, so they’re not sure of you yet. Give them a little more to go on and a little more time–this isn’t enough to jump ship after three weeks.

  189. Wanna have it all*

    How would you time having a baby and searching for and starting a new job?

    The challenge: my spouse and I have one kid and both need new jobs within the next year (he teaches and will be done his contract in May, I have an office job and my contract ends a year from next week). Neither of our current jobs will be turning permanent, though if we had known that for sure when we started, we probably would have made different decisions.

    But I also want another kid, and timing matters both because of my age and thinking about age gaps between kids (I think 2-3 years is ideal but kid 1 is almost 3 already). If we try to do it this year, I might be able to avoid an employment gap, but I would also potentially be interviewing while visibly pregnant, hurting my chances for getting hired. (And of course there’s the outside chance we would both wind up unemployed, which is why my husband is hesitant.) On the other hand, if we wait and I start a new job next year, I might have to wait yet another year to be eligible for FMLA, or more if I’m in another non-permanent position, at which point the gap between kids would be much larger than I’d like and I’d be getting older.

    What would you do? Wait and deal or take the risk now?

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      Start trying now and deal with the pregnancy effects on work as they come. You’ll have a small window of being covered by FMLA throughout your pregnancy, but make plans for what happens with insurance if you’re not.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Er, I mixed up the two things I wanted to say there. So 1)If you get pregnant right away, you may still be employed at your current job when you give birth and will be eligible for whatever benefits they offer new parents. Hopefully that includes health insurance. FMLA would be different… I’m not sure how protected leave works if it would extend after your contract is up. The issue you bring up of having to wait a year in a new job before you’ll be protected during parental leave is real and awful. But people do have babies during that first year, all the time, and you can get through it even if it’s not ideal.

        2) It’s quite possible that you will have employer-sponsored health insurance for some but not all of your entire pregnancy and delivery, so look into your options. Again, there are better outcomes than others, but you can manage. So that’s why I say start trying now and get the best chance at the best combination (you get pregnant right away and have your insurance and leave covered, and your kids are closer together in age).

        1. wanna have it all*

          Thanks for the comment. We actually have exchange health insurance now, so we wouldn’t lose it, but if we were both unemployed we wouldn’t be able to afford premiums (and the copay and coinsurance for birth)! The greater concern is making sure we have continuous income high enough to pay our bills. I don’t have any formal leave provision in my current job but think something could probably be negotiated. The only problem would be if it were unpaid at the same time my spouse is between jobs. We do have an emergency fund but it’s best not to create your own emergency….

          I think you’re right to remind me it can take time. I don’t know if we’re ready to start trying just yet but i brought up the issue to my spouse, who didn’t know FMLA took a year to kick in, and I’ll let it marinate and revisit in a month or two.

  190. I prefer quiet*

    What’s a good way to deal with it when senior people stand in your office doorway talking loudly? They aren’t talking to me, they’re having a conversation that I’m not involved in. It’s very disruptive, drives me crazy, and has been happening a lot lately! If they were peers I would have no issue with asking them to move the conversation elsewhere, but these are very senior people.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Considering you don’t feel comfortable saying “Hey! I’m working here!”… Headphones? Moving somewhere else?

    2. Jillociraptor*

      First, is it possible to close the door?

      Second, I’m wondering if there are any environmental reasons that they might be picking that spot. Is it near a trash can, copier, water cooler, “the line” to see the big boss, etc? Or a bottle neck in the traffic? I wonder if you could do a little clever maneuvering to make it a less desirable spot to congregate, like maybe a plant or something that slightly obstructs standing right there.

      Also, I think you could try something like, “Excuse me: You might not realize, but the sound really carries from this spot!” You don’t even really need to tell them to move. This obviously depends on the culture in your office and how deferential you’re expected to be with senior people.

    3. Troutwaxer*

      Do they discuss the same subject all the time? Are they trying to drop a hint?

      Otherwise, “Please excuse me gentlemen, but I’m rather busy at the moment” as you quietly and gently close the door.

  191. Anon a Mousse*

    On the theme of personal life and professional–I know a guy who is an “independent contractor” for an MLM (He’s a “Lulabro”) He’s made a big selling point of how family friendly he is. Right now he’s having a sale so next week he can take his 4 year old son to Disneyland for his birthday. Awwwww cute, right? Unless, like me, you know he blew of his 8 year old daughter’s birthday last month, hasn’t paid any child support in about a year, and claimed this week that he couldn’t do anything toward her back to school expenses. But he’s going to take his son to Disney (from UT) for his 4th birthday next week…

    Where he’s the one who made his personal life a selling feature, would it be wrong to go to those posts on his Lularoe selling page and reveal the additional information that he is a scumbag of a deadbeat dad and not so cute and heart warming?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think it would be morally wrong, but I think it’s a bad idea and won’t have the effect you intend.

      1. AMT*

        Yeah, even if it’s 100% true, there is no way to say it without coming off like a crazy person. You don’t want to be embroiled in whatever drama results.

        1. Anon a Mousse*

          Its just so hard to watch him sell himself as family friendly and a loving father and watch his buyers eat that up and comment on it when knowing he’s full of crap…

    2. neverjaunty*

      There’s always the passive-aggressive way.

      “So cool! Wish I could make this week’s sale but I’ll sure to make the next one so you can help with Jane’s school expenses!”

      “Heartwarming to see everyone helping Fergus out. I know he’s having a hard time supporting both his kids and the extra money can sure come in handy!”

  192. Victoria, Please*

    Super late here but maybe someone will see this! I’ve just had a lovely, lovely 10 days off of work during which we went to see the total eclipse — magnificent — and am actually rather looking forward to starting back to work on Monday. Although, I have sh*tloads of work and have put several large important projects on hold, so it’s kind of intimidating as well to think about lifting those weights again.

    What are your re-entry routines after a vacation?

    1. Anna Held*

      1) Make coffee
      2) Go through email and inbox
      3) Prioritize work
      4) Touch base with boss and coworkers, both socially and about work
      5) Don’t plan to get any big tasks done — ease back in. There’s no point in overwhelming yourself or you’ll just undo all the good of your vacation. Start fresh the next day with a clean inbox and a plan for getting it all done.

      1. only acting normal*

        Exactly this.
        Clearing the inbox can easily take the best part of a day after a week or so on leave, but doing it first will also refresh your mind on where you were on different tasks/projects.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Oh man, seeing totality was SO COOL.

      The first day back from any time off, I take a nice lunch to work so if my morning is hectic, I have something to anticipate. If you prefer to go out, that works, though it stresses me out because I’ve always been hourly and I hate worrying about getting back late.

      After a long vacation, I try to build in some downtime before I have to go back–either come back on a weekend day or take an extra day or half-day off after I return from traveling. If it’s a staycation, this doesn’t really apply, haha.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Watching that shadow bearing down was — and then you turn and look and the corona is — wow. Yes, it was all that and then some! April 8, 2024, see you then!

        We got home today, so I do have a nice weekend to get my head together.

      2. Al Lo*

        My next actual vacation is in February and involves an overseas flight. We’ll get back on a Wednesday, so I’ve already planned to work from home (likely half-days) on Thursday and Friday that week, and made that part of my vacation booking. That way, I can work with my jetlag, get through email and get back on track at a leisurely pace, and be ready to go the next week.

        The Monday after I get back is an off-site event, so I’ll actually have to pop into the office either on the Friday or over the weekend to grab supplies for that, but I already know I’m taking the pressure off for that first day or two back.

  193. Overeducated*

    My last two job prospects did not work out. I had my in person interview (post – phone screen and Skype interview) canceled for one when they had to make an immediate offer to someone else, and for another, the only day they are willing to do interviews is on the one day I have to be in an all day, mandatory, out of town work event. I guess they have enough good candidates that it’s just not worth finding an hour on another day. I basically said I could try to find Internet to Skype before it starts at 9 am, or during the lunch break, but this just might not happen. It’s disappointing because it’s a Plan A job with the leading employer in my field in a city we want to move to.

    So that’s all for plan A. Plan B is under a hiring freeze, and even when there are jobs you can’t get in without some kind of noncompetitive hiring preference. Plan C is a sector i left for current job, and once you get out you can’t get back in. So i will be having half a dozen informational interviews in the next few weeks to consider plans D, E, and F. But I’m afraid all my alternatives are going to involve aspects I don’t want, like being 100% desk based or requiring lots of overtime, which will make me sad for the next 30-40 years until I retire or drop. My problem is that I still like and want to follow in plan A, but the jobs are few and often pay too little to move my family for; they’re made for 24 year old single people (women, usually) or people with well off families or partners. What should I even do with my life?! There has to be something out there, right? Right?

    1. GRACELESS*

      Stay in touch with Plan a. Keep expressing your interest. ALSO, follow your passions outside of work.

  194. Todd Brown*

    to the blogger, i just found this blog after seeing the articles about the math teacher, y u close comments to that article?

    1. Student*

      That post was referenced on some major other websites. At that point, once it went viral, she has to close the comments to keep things civil, because this site doesn’t require users to register to comment. We like that she keeps things civil instead of the un-moderated brawl that most comments sections turn into.

      1. Briony*

        There definitely seems to be an uptick in newbie/mean posters, though. I know Alison does her best to stop them but it seems like some get through. Maybe AAM should require users to register?

  195. Anon for this one*

    New job. Love the work. Commute is exhausting. Many good things about job- some bad things. But so, so tired. Stay or leave?

    1. GRACELESS*

      1) Start job-hunting closer to home
      2) Talk to your manager
      2a) Would coming in earlier or later improve the commute?
      2b) Can you work remotely on alternate days?
      2c) Can you work remotely once a week?
      2d) Can you work fewer, but longer days?

    2. fposte*

      How new? Is there some reason the commute isn’t what you expected when you took the job? What’s your other job history like?

      Leaving a job after a month or two because of a commute you already knew about when you took the job is going to be a hard sell to new employers, especially if you don’t have longer-term jobs to offset it. Might therefore be worth leaving the job off the resume if you decide to search now, but also think about why you overlooked this problem in your last search and what you can do to be more thoughtful in the future so you don’t replicate the problem (not just with the commute).

      But other possibilities could include work from home time, flexing the schedule so you’re traveling at lighter times or so that you’re doing 4 10s instead of 5 8s, etc. If you like your manager, it might be worth a candid conversation about how hard you’re finding the commute and what a surprise it is (hopefully at no time during the hiring process did you assure them it would be fine) and whether there are some approaches that might help.

  196. Anono-me*

    The most important consideration is “When is best for your health?”. The other questions are: How will waiting until next year impact your money: health insurance deductions, flex spending and paid leave? Who will help you after surgery and what is their schedule like? Do you have to be worry about mobility issues and ice (I know it is gyno not knee, but any major surgery can make getting around harder .)? What is the availability of your preferred surgeon?

    Once you take all of these things into consideration, then you consider the impact on work. (Unless your job would be in jeopardy. )

    Wishing you good health.

  197. GRACELESS*

    Responsibilities have shifted, and I’m going to be traveling to a satellite office about once a month. Neither office is in a “hub” city, so it’s about 5-6 hours of flight time each way, plus layovers. I’m looking for a bag that can carry my laptop, Bose headphones, and a few other travel niceties (lightweight blanket, water bottle, iPad Mini…). Ideally, it’s a soft bag that I can stow under a seat, and that could hook to a roller bag that I’m stowing overhead or checking. Also, it should look professional enough for going directly into a client meeting or conference (think Coach, not Vera Bradley).

    1. mreasy*

      I have a roomy soft leather Everlane tote that I love for carrying on with laptop, notebooks, etc. I recommend checking out their line.

    2. TotesMaGoats*

      I have a leather Coach tote bag that I got at an outlet years ago. It’s soft but the sides are sturdy and nice pockets and dividers inside. I’ve used it so much. Very professional. It’s my go to plane bag. Check a local Coach outlet. I got a great deal on mine.

  198. Nardole*

    I’ve got a job interview this week for a promotion within my organisation. I’m super excited about the opportunity, but am a little worried about one thing. I’m currently working part time (4 days a week), and studying part time (which work is very supportive of as my study is in the same field as my job. The new job is full time, and if I’m successful in the interview, I’m planning on trying to negotiate down to 4 days a week until I graduate in 13 months or so. One of my bosses has told me that if the interview panel ask me about working full time then I should pretend to be super enthusiastic about working full time and say that it won’t be any problem, but it seems like if I do this and then try and negotiate down to 4 days a week it’s going to look really disingenuous. Is it ok to say something like ‘I’ve given it a lot of thought and it does make me a bit nervous, but I’m good at asking for help when I need it (which is true and which they have evidence of)’ so that I’m not lying to them. In my mind it makes it look like I’ve at least considered that it will be a change, and will make my life a little bit more difficult, which I hope at the least makes it look like I’ve thought about how it might impact on my life.

    1. fposte*

      I’m really dubious about your boss’s advice here. If the job doesn’t go down to 4 days a week, will you still want it? Because it seems likely to me that the job is 5 days a week because that’s what they want. Would a possible compromise be to work full-time but 4 days a week (4 10s)? (Your spelling suggests you’re not in the U.S., so laws may factor into this as well.)

      I think your impulse is good–you can’t say full-time is great and excellent and then try to get something else. I think either that’s the moment of negotiation, or else you go with something like your answer (I don’t know if I’d say that it makes you nervous but just acknowledge it will be a change), and you wait for a month or two of doing the work before you propose part-time, with a plan in hand of how that will work and a willingness to accept “no” for an answer.

    2. Apollo Warbucks*

      That sounds like terrible advice from your boss, I’m at a loss to think why they would think that lying to interview panel would be a good idea.

      If you really don’t want to work full time, then have a script prepared to explain that, and stress that it’s only for the next year then you’ll be on board to work full time.

      You never know they might be happy to save 20% of your salary costs for the year if the work load for the new job allows for part time work, but I’m certain no one likes being lied to.

  199. Annie Mouse*

    Very late I know but I have some good news and a bit of a weird reaction to it. I’ve found out this week that an opportunity has opened up to continue on to the next stage of my career 6 months earlier than I expected. Of course, I’ve jumped at it and can’t wait to start!!
    But weirdly, I’m also feeling a little bereft. I’ll still be within the same organisation, and bump into the same people, but I’m at the most comfortable at work I’ve been in years and work with a really lovely group of people. And I won’t be able to continue exactly where I currently am. Feeling a little like I’m losing out on the 6 months I was anticipating having here. But it’s too good an opportunity to pass up and now that it’s sunk in, I’m getting excited, and scared!!

  200. Arwen*

    We have an individual on the team who is a performance headache. I’ve been told by a manager that I trust that they’re working on the problem, but it’s SOOOOOO frustrating in the meantime. Whatever they end up doing, I hope they do it fast!

  201. Triplestep*

    Late to the show here, but here’s a work-related question I don’t want to save for next week: If you were a candidate for a job where you had a contact – a contact who wanted to put you in touch with the hiring manager with whom he works – but you both agreed to go through the in-house recruiter, would you re-visit that decision?

    The recruiter has been *awful*. She contacted me about two different roles on the same team, and then only acknowledged one as if her first e-mail never happened. During my phone screen, her responses were often unrelated to the last thing I said (perfunctory?) and I could hear her walking around the entire time. She ended by saying that the hiring manager might contact me himself (I guess she’s used to having end runs done around her) then I heard nothing for two weeks. When I checked back in with her, she said the hiring team is flying in for interviews, and gave me a date and time I can’t make. (I am working full time). I contacted her to try to reschedule, and only then did let me know the interviews are happening off-site, which might have been good to mention in the first place.

    I would love to just reach out to my contact and tell him all of this. This recruiter is doing them no favors – if I only had her behavior to go by, I would not be interested in this company at all. Also, I told her that I had next week off from work and could be very flexible, which she ignored when she wrote back about the face-to-face interviews the following week. I get that people are travelling in for those, but I feel like I might be able to sit down just with the hiring manager (who is local) next week if I go around the recruiter.

    Thoughts?

  202. Optimistic Prime*

    I’ve been at my job for two years, and I’ve been working my butt off if I do say so myself. It’s been acknowledged even by senior leadership that I am swamped; yet people keep asking me to do more and more stuff because they like the quality of my work.

    Well, I got a promotion :) It comes with a significant raise (10%!) and the biggest year-end bonus I am eligible for at my stage, which is incredibly gratifying! It’s nice to feel appropriately rewarded :)

  203. Hershele Ostropoler*

    Any advice for interviewing for a job in the office of a local elected official?

    Same party. Not my current district, but (as I noted in the cover letter) the district where I grew up, though he didn’t represent the district when I lived there. I’ll be talking to the chief of staff (which is not the position I’m interviewing for). The official is up for re-election in November but he’s a shoo-in. I haven’t done exactly this kind of work before (and my resume doesn’t assert that I have) but I am interested in local politics.

  204. DDES*

    hi,

    this may be judgmental to say, but i don’t get how or why my co-worker eats so much. he has a large plate, and then a large dessert, and then he’s still thin.

    it may not be my business, but then we take lunch at the same time and it’s offputting to see him eat two large plate loads.

    1. fposte*

      Can you think about why it’s offputting to you? He’s just eating food, and there’s no indication it’s in an inappropriate manner; he’s not hurting you.

    2. Hamster Cheeks*

      It sounds like you might need to do some work on your own relationship with food, possibly with a therapist’s help. What someone else eats and how much/why really really is not your business, and the fact that you are finding it “offputting” suggests that you have some expectations about what it is OK to eat and how much that do not sound very reasonable. Eating a two course meal at lunch is not a bad thing and it doesn’t sound like his food choices are affecting you in any real way (beyond you being put off, which is totally on you to deal with).

      Your comment about him still being thin sounded a little bitter and makes me wonder if that’s what this is really about. If so, please get some help to think about your relationship with food, weight and your body. This isn’t a good way to be looking at the world around you. You deserve to be able to go through your day without these thoughts affecting you. I wish you a happier relationship with food going forward.

    3. JN*

      Some people just have really high metabolisms and can eat anything and everything and never gain an ounce. I used to be one, but now having an indulgent meal or two over the weekend will usually be reflected in the number on the scale at the gym on Monday. My choice, my consequence.

      If you’re just bothered by how much or what he’s eating, that is (as Hamster Cheeks said) on you to determine why. If you have the option to adjust when/where you eat so that you aren’t watching your coworker’s large meal, that might be a good solution. Now, if he’s eating in such a way that you can see him chewing, that requires a significant cleanup afterward, or he is choosing foods that are nauseating to smell (like to a pregnant woman or a cancer patient) or that are an airborne allergen (such as peanuts), then yes, that would give you some grounds to say something politely. But if those factors aren’t the case, then making adjustments yourself seems like the way to go.

  205. Toxic coworker*

    There is one other woman at my job who is my primary coworker (we are part-time instructors–our functions are generally the same). She’s nice, good with the students, and appreciates my contributions. However, our relationship is starting to feel a little toxic. She is very protective of one aspect of our unit and often complains about various aspects of our employer. While many of her concerns are valid, it’s affecting my morale.

    What do I do? At this rate, I don’t think I can handle this situation long-term. I tend to feed off of other people’s emotions–positive or negative. I’m only with her one day a week, but we have been talking by phone & text on days I’m there and she’s not (she just returned from an 8-week leave of absence). Plus, her comments are making me hyper-aware of what I don’t like about my employer, even on days when it’s just me there.

    My supervisor has been out for 2 weeks and is scheduled to return tomorrow. She has been very supportive and is aware that I’m struggling, so I’m hoping I can get some time with her this week to discuss things.

  206. Email Tracker*

    I recently applied for a job that seems like it would be a perfect fit. I emailed my resume and cover letter to the careers@company.com email that was listed in the job description over three weeks ago, and they have relisted the job since then. I use Streak, an app for Gmail that tracks whether emails have been opened. My email still hasn’t been opened by anyone and I’m not sure what (if anything) to do! I briefly thought about submitting my resume through the job board it’s listed on, hoping that they would see that one, but that feels like a bad idea. I also thought about finding the HR Director’s email and reaching out to follow up (usually a bad idea, I know) but it’s not listed anywhere.

    I do know someone at the company who I would be managing if I got the job, but I feel awkward about reaching out and don’t know what to say.

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