weekend open thread – July 18-19, 2020

by Alison Green on July 18, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith. A very amusing but penniless family lives in a crumbling castle in 1930s England, but everything changes when two rich American brothers become their new landlords. It’s delightfully written. How had I never read this before? I now love it with all my heart.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    3. mystery bookworm*

      Yes, count me among the devotees. It’s a lovely read, I identifed so much with Cassandra when I was in high school.

      Dodie Smith’s other books are good too, although they can be tough to find (except for 101 Dalmatians, naturally)

    4. Doc in a Box*

      I love it too! The movie adaptation from the early 2000s (starring Romola Garai and Rose Byrne as the sisters, and Tara Fitzgerald as their stepmom/Bill Nighy (!!) as dad) is just wonderful.

      1. Jenny*

        It took me way too long to put together that the older brother was the kid from ET grown up.

    6. CTT*

      I need to reread it; it’s been too long! Although the first line and last few pages are permanently etched in my brain.

    7. CJM*

      I just read this book for the first time in my long life, and wow! How did I miss this treasure? I was smitten from page one.

      Not sure where I tripped over enthusiastic suggestions to read it, but I suspect it was here at AAM earlier this year.

    8. OyHiOh*

      I read this book decades ago after it appeared on a Writers Digest list of books with best first sentences.

      I write this sitting in the kitchen sink . . .

      And then because completely enchanted with her father’s writing process from nonsense to literacy. I couldn’t identity with Cassandra (pretty teenage girl coming of age just. . . rang false . . . I was an odd duck. . . ) but her father’s struggle felt true and painfully complex and facinating.

    9. raven_smiles*

      I just finished I Capture the Castle this morning! I don’t know how I made it this far in life without reading it, but I’m so glad I stumbled across it. I’m going to buy the book to keep in my permanent library. It is so good.

    10. Clisby*

      I was just thinking I should read it again! I read it at least twice when I was in high school/college.

    11. I edit everything*

      I love this book! If I have to come up with a single answer to “What’s your favorite book?” This is the one I name. It’s charming and funny and melancholy all at the same time.

      1. I edit everything*

        But the movie version is awful. Just did not capture the feel of the book at all.

    12. previous OP*

      A long time ago I wrote in to AAM about Rose, Cassandra and their manager Topaz, so count me as another fan (and it called out some love in the comments at the time). One of my favourite narrative voices.

    13. shyguy*

      “Hot baths and noble deeds are the best cures for depression”

      Love this book and especially the above quote. (with the caveat that now as an adult, of course, I recognize that also, medication can be very helpful with depression – quote not meant to be taken literally).

  2. Not A Manager*

    Don’t confuse it with We Have Always Lived In The Castle by Shirley Jackson, also an excellent book.

  3. RollyPolly*

    I just want to know how Alison got all the cats to stay put for the photo. So gorgeous.

    1. Big fan*

      I know! I am totally analyzing all their facial expressions, like a James Corden bit.

      #1–You woke me up for THIS?

      #2–I’m bored. Get me some kibble.

      #3 —You better not be taking my picture!

      #4–Alison who? I’m sorry, do I know you?

      #5–get off my blanket. I’m not sharing!

      #6–Screw you guys, I see a sunbeam over there!

    3. Lena Carabina*

      They’re absolutely beautiful cats! And it’s adorable that they all get on (or look like they do)!

      1. I take tea*

        Such a lovely picture. Lauries (right?) tail is especially fluffy. I’m so impressed that they are all in one place.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        They love each other! Well, Olive is still a bit wary of Hank because he likes to chase her, but other than that they are very harmonious. Laurie is particularly enamored of Wallace, follows him everywhere, wants to snuggle with him at all times.

        1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

          “Cat Meowmy Alison”! ~ This is purrfection. Would love to hear the stories of each of your kitties sometime! “The Floof Chronicles” – Sort of “This Is Your Life” feline version for each cat; each background, purrsonality, how each joined your family, favorite hobbies lol (“Laurie enjoys sunbeams, temptations treats, making biscuits, and grooming Wallace”). Because, ya know, you have so much free time lol! Seriously though, we would love it, and if you have already done something similar, please share again. Thank Mew!!

    8. Nervous Nellie*

      And I want to know when their album is coming out! It looks like the cover of one of those over the top 80s albums with the band members randomly posed, musing pensively. Alison & the Floofers. Yeah!

    9. Lena Carabina*

      I’ve JUST noticed the 6th cat at the end next to Laurie?!
      What is this cat’s name?

  4. Anon pregnant lady*

    What would be your book recommendations for a first time pregnancy?

    I would also love recommendations for other resources, websites, forums, subreddits etc. (I already know BabyBumps and AskParents on Reddit.) I got What To Expect When You’re Expecting from the library on a whim but it’s a 2008 edition so I wonder if some of the info may be outdated (I do doublecheck some info by googling).

    Also for those who raised bilingual kids, would *love* recs on how to do that in the best way? My partner & I have different native languages and we want our child to learn both.

    I’m in that weird period where I don’t feel comfortable telling anybody (4wk and I read you should tell outsiders after 12wk) besides my partner who knows but I am hungry for more info.

    1. Double A*

      I’d get Expecting Better by Emily Oster. I didn’t actually get it for my first pregnancy but I wish I did: she goes through all the research to suss out how strong it is about specific recommendations. I did buy her follow up, Crib Sheet, which is about babies, as a gift and read through it before I have it to my cousin, so I feel confident recommending the one about pregnancy.

      I got the Mayo Clinic books for my pregnancy. I wanted a just the facts resource.

      1. ellenm*

        I second this! She presented the science behind everything in a way that was interesting and easy to understand. The book really breaks down a lot of the things that we do/people tell us to do that don’t have great reasoning behind them. Cribsheet is great too, there’s a lot of information about the first few days that’s hard to find elsewhere

      2. Ann*

        Thirding this! It reduced my anxiety so much during pregnancy. Expecting Better and the Mayo Clinic pregnancy book were the only two I used.

    2. Enough*

      ‘re bilingual – I don’t think there is necessarily a best. Each of you should just talk to your child in your native language. They will figure it out. Just don’t be surprised when they use both languages at the same time.

      1. Anon pregnant lady*

        My friend who is a linguistics PhD student said the mixing up is normal even between couples who speak two languages and we’ve experienced it too. Like asking a question in language A and then following up with a reason for asking in language B.

      2. Asenath*

        But children often come to a point at which they tend to prefer one language over the other – particularly if that’s the dominant language where they are living and their friends use it, they hear it on TV etc. The parents need to find a way to get over this so that the children don’t end up with poor skills in that language. The parents also need to decide what level they want their children the learn in the language(s). Spoken fluency, OK, the usual each parent uses their own language all the time often works. Great written fluency and the associated history and culture, you might need to arrange some kind of formal instruction and/or supplementary resources like books and TV. Fortunately, you don’t need to go the extent of one family I know who spend a lot of time in a country where one of their languages is the native language, because not everyone can do that! Raising bilingual (or trilingual) children is giving them a great gift.

        And all is not lost if they don’t learn the language as children. We had neighbours growing up who decided to raise their children entirely in English, since they saw that as part of belonging to their new home. Of course, one of their daughters later decided she wanted to learn their language! They were a bit surprised she made such a choice, but helped her learn.

        1. Washi*

          Yeah, I think what I call “kitchen table language” is something most children will pick up naturally if the language is consistently used around them – able to understand conversations and chat casually. But in my experience, the language that you don’t go to school in tends to be way weaker/sometimes non-existent for reading and writing skills, unless a lot of effort is made to remedy that. Which can be fine! When I was first learning my second language, there were a couple heritage speakers in my class and they still had a leg up on the rest of us.

          There can be unexpected negatives to the no accent + poor grammar issue though, my mom is conversationally bilingual but never had formal training in the non-English language, and when she travels to her home country, people can be very rude because she sounds like a local illiterate hick. On the other hand, I’m pretty fluent but with a slight accent in my second language (a cousin of my mom’s language) and all people tell me is how talented I am to have learned their language!

        2. Anon pregnant lady*

          Yeah, I was wondering about written fluency. My boyfriend speaks my native language well but has never learned it in class, just life/work/association. So when it comes to writing it, he writes it according to the rules of his own language, which is often incorrect (thankfully his work involves almost no writing so it’s not a problem professionally). Similarly, I’m learning his language mostly by speaking so I am not learning the rules. I wonder if tutoring the kid down the line with the writing (once they learn to read/write in my native language at school) will be the way to go.

      3. Ginger Sheep*

        I was raised bilingual, but speaking my parent’s mother language at home and the country’s language at school and outside the house. Worked well for us (my parents were perfectly bilingual as well). I realise this is not your exact situation, but this is also the approach chosen by some friends of mine : both parents use the husband’s « foreign » language at home, and speak the wife’s « local » language outside ; the kid is still a toddler so a little early to say how it turned out, but he is happy in the local-language daycare he attends. I believe their thinking was that if they spoke both languages at home, the local one would quickly take over the foreign one.

      4. Nita*

        I know the most common approach is that each parent speaks different languages to the child. I can’t really understand how that works, though – do the adults talk to each other in different languages too? So we took a different tack. We spoke mostly our first language at home for the first few years, and left English for when the kids were starting pre-K. They’d picked up bits and pieces of English by then anyway, and caught up in a few months. Even the kid who didn’t talk at all till he was two! I do have to remind them (and myself) to try to speak only one language at a time lol.

        We also accidentally settled in a very immigrant community (thought we’d be here only a short time, but ended up sticking around). So the kids get lots of practice just on the playground/in the store/in afterschool classes, and it doesn’t feel like we’re forcing them to learn a useless second language they can only speak at home.

      5. The Original K.*

        I have a few different friends whose children are bi- or trilingual. Generally, each parent spoke to the child from birth in their native language and if they live in a country where a different language is spoken, they learn that language in school. As the kids get older they settle into a family language. For example, I know a family where one parent’s mother tongue is Farsi, the other’s is Italian, they live in the US, and they primarily speak Italian at home because the Farsi-speaking parent speaks better Italian than the Italian-speaking parent speaks Farsi. They were pretty adamant that the family language would not be English because they really want to make sure the child maintains fluency in the other languages (also, a lot of the family on the Italian side don’t speak English at all). I know another family that lives in Spain and one parent’s mother tongue is English and the other’s is Swedish and the family language is Spanish, although the kids speak all three languages.

    3. Kate*

      Check out the Raising Bilingual/Multilingual Children Group on Facebook. It is an amazing resource.

    4. KoreanMum*

      Converse with your kids in your non English language from when they are babies. Assuming you live in an English speaking country, they will pick it up super quickly as soon as they start day care or school so do not worry at all about their English fluency. I speak Korean and my husband doesn’t, so it was always convenient to just speak English to my kids even when they were babies. When they became toddlers they wouldn’t respond as quickly to Korean so as time passed it became harder and harder to incorporate Korean. Wish I spoke Korean to them since they were born so it became their native language too.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Congratulations! It’s such an exciting and emotional time. I don’t have book recommendations but what helped me personally were Facebook groups catered to pregnancy with those various issues. So for example, I was a high risk pregnancy due to multiple health issues and prior losses so I was in one general high risk pregnancy group, in addition to ones for those specific conditions. Sometimes I did get information that I hadn’t known before but mostly how it helped me was the moral support and seeing positive outcomes.

    6. Zooey*

      Seconding the rec of Expecting Better.

      I have several family members whose families are bi or trilingual – in the latter cases each parent has a different mother tongue and they live in a country where a third language is spoken. They’ve had the approach that each parent always speaks in their mother tongue when at home. In the bilingual families, they live in the home country of one parent, and in that case both parents speak the language of the other parent when at home, so the kids get as much exposure as possible. The kids were a little bit slower in starting to speak but now are fluent in both languages and switch easily between them (that’s typical – that there’s a slightly extended period of sorting out the other languages – and sometimes people panic and think that they’re hurting their kids by ‘confusing’ them, but it’s temporary).

    7. Np*

      Re bilingualism — I am bilingual but it was a bit different; my parents spoke one language to me, and I was educated from infancy in another language. I was effectively fluent in both by the age of 4. I don’t know if you have this option, but it worked really well for us.

      That said, someone I know brought her kids up bilingual (she and her husband have two different mother tongues and spoke English between them). I think it helped that the second language was both her husband’s language and the majority language of the country they were living in.

      Whatever you do, I think it’s important to be consistent. Someone else I know speaks a different language from his partner, and they speak English between them. They weren’t consistent in terms of who spoke which language to their child, and as a result (at least, I think it was a result of this) the child was very late in speaking and doesn’t speak either language fluently. He needed a speech therapist to
      Of course I appreciate that this is all anecdotal evidence, but the tl;dr of this is to be consistent. And thank you for considering bringing your child up bilingual — I consider it one of the greatest gifts my parents gave me.

      All the best for your pregnancy!

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      I’m doing this; the main thing is: don’t let people tell you you’re doing the wrong thing (assuming you are in the US)!

      Practically, speak your language to your child exclusively. If you communicate in a different language with your partner, then speak that language with your partner only. Your partner should speak their language to your child only.

      You will have to create rules for when other people are around: ours is that we still speak our languages when it’s just us speaking to the children, but we and the children always speak in the main language of the country we are in at the store, to people who come to visit our home, etc.

      Consistency is the key!

      Do not worry at all about fluency in the main language. Your child may well hate learning it at school (too many people minimize this because it seems children pick up language so easily. You will have to support the emotional “being different” aspect and prepare them for it, even if they will begin speaking with native fluency within months at school).

      Ensure that you have more resources than just your speaking style. When you read, read books in your language, sing songs, all entertainment should be in either of the two home languages.

      Good luck! How you begin, if you begin well, will carry you through :) And just keep in mind: you are doing a great thing! Your child will have so many advantages throughout their life because of the language foundations you are building now!

      Most of my sources are professional/academic, as this is what I did for many years (TEFL and TESOL), so my last rec is to make contact with your school district’s TESOL teacher and discuss further resources with them. They will be able to give you advice tailored to your situation, and you can start to evaluate if the school your child will be placed in is really a good fit for their situation.

      1. PX*

        This advice on language is solid. I used to babysit for a family who were raising bilingual kids for a few years, and the parents were extremely good about only talking to the kids in “their” designated language (never heard them slip once), regardless of how the child replied.

        Plus the point about adding resources as well is good. I grew up only hearing people speak my native language, and though I can understand and speak it to a certain extent, reading is pretty difficult and writing is impossible (so many funky accents!). So in addition to things like books and TV, consider more “formal” sources like having them watch the news or read newspapers once they are older. This also helps expand their vocabulary as they can hear words/concepts which may not be discussed in day to day living!

        1. Pensive Athena*

          In addition to speaking her native language at home, my neighbor took her kids for an extended visit to see her family each summer. She bought comic books and magazines for the kids to read and had them write weekly letters to family in her native country so that they learned to read and write in the 2nd language.

      2. Anon pregnant lady*

        Thank you for the encouragement! I just found a study about this via Google and also picked up a book on multilingual kids from the library. Me and partner speak my native language, as he is fluent in it, and we sometimes codeswitch to his native language, because I’ve been learning it ever since we began dating (I’m not fluent in it though I speak it conversationally). School language will be my native language as well, so basically the biggest worry is that the child won’t pick up partner’s language as well as mine. Guess we’ll have to load up on songs and books in that language.

        1. BethDH*

          Find a radio station in the language that is broadcast online and let it play — that will introduce more voices and colloquial speech. I think it’s easy to assume that the language that matters is what’s directed at the kids, but from what I’ve read a big part of the benefit of early languages is just getting the sounds in kids’ ears enough that they mimic them and don’t lose the ability to distinguish and produce the specific sounds and cadences.

    9. Mystery Bookworm*

      I’ve found the work of Alison Gopnik to be very grounding.

      I second the recommendations for Expecting Bettter (and her follow-up, Cribsheet). I also like Janet Lansbury in general for parenting stuff.

      Something we did in my pregnancy that I found very helpful was to bookmark the websites for the NHS, the AMA, and the website for the Australian guidelines (can’t remember it now). Whenever I ran into ambiguity, I would compare the site’s recommendations. If they were all consistent, then I took it as a good indicator that the research was pretty solid (for example, the guidelines on SIDS overlap pretty well) but if they were inconsistent (I seem to recall the advice on caffeine amounts varied a bit) then I would take it as a sign that there wasn’t a clear answer yet.

      Pregnancy/parenting can really bring out people’s anxieties, so they can get very zealous about things. It’s grounding to remember that there’s way more we don’t know than we do.

    10. Kage*

      You have a lot of good pregnancy recommendations already. I highly recommend “ Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five” by Penelope Leach for helping after baby arrives. Pregnancy is pretty short and, for most, not too complicated. Kids are long and super complex, lol. I found this really helpful for what was normal, milestones, etc. I actually inherited my mother’s old copy from the 1980s but it was still really useful. I would assume the updated version would be even more so. Congrats!

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I second this. As a general rule, I found that the books on child development and/or parenting I read while pregnant were more helpful to me than the books on pregnancy.

        Every pregnancy is so different that a lot of the general advice winds up being non-applicable anyways!

      2. Anon pregnant lady*

        I totally get this. It’s so early in my pregnancy I’m pretty much over-focused on the next 9 months and finding it so hard to see beyond that. But because it’s so early days and I’m a voracious reader I’m pretty sure by month four I’ll be done with all the pregnancy lit and ready to move onto something else. For that I’ll bookmark your recommendation, thank you so much!

    11. Ranon*

      For books- Mayo Clinic has a pregnancy book that’s a bunch more comprehensive than Expecting Better- expecting better is more of a goes with than a complete resource. My doctor actually told me not to read What to Expect because it’s so fear mongery, might be best to just ditch it. Google can be helpful but for late night anxiety you’re much better off with a doorstop reference book like Mayo Clinic’s.

      For books for child care, if you’re in the US the AAP has a Birth through 5 book that’s pretty handy (in a leave it on the shelf and look things up when it’s midnight and you shouldn’t be on Google scaring yourself kind of way), as is Baby 411 (very comprehensive guide to poop).

      I mostly listened to podcasts- Longest Shortest Time has some wonderful episodes, highlights include the interview with Ina May Gaskin and an episode called “A Childless Man Gets a C-section” which is absolutely the best resource for what actually happens during a c-section I’ve come across. For getting through the terribleness that is the first trimester I quite like listening to One Bad Mother from the beginning on (the hosts are now well past pregnancy but the episodes from their pregnancies made me feel so seen).

      You can tell people about the pregnancy whenever you want- many choose to wait until 12 weeks because the risk of miscarriage declines as the pregnancy continues, but if you want to tell people, go for it! It may be that should a poor outcome happen you’ll want those people to be part of your support network.

      1. Ranon*

        Oh- also The Birth Partner for whoever might be there for you during the actual birth. Although generally the not pregnant person seems to wait until 8.5 months or so to do any reading (their lives not being so profoundly impacted by the pregnancy part…)

    12. Annie Oakley*

      I can’t recommend sleep training enough! It has increased my sleep quality immensely and definitely makes me a better mama. I didn’t read any specific books (there are many) but I read a lot of articles on various methods and picked one I was comfortable with. The important thing is to start early (like 8 weeks). The older they are, the harder it will be to implement as they are used to rocking, bouncing, car rides, etc. to get to sleep. I started earlier with my second, and there was hardly any crying involved. It is so nice when you’re exhausted to be able to lay baby in bed and they go to sleep on their own. None of my friends have regretted sleep training!

      1. Jenny*

        I sleep trained too. Seriously life saving. I used the Sleep Easy Solution but also played it by war. Visits prolonged crying for my son so I ended up doing “full extinction” or the Weissbluth method.

        1. Carriem*

          Yes. a thousand times yes. There’s a great FB group called ‘Respectful Sleep Training/Learning that is all peer supported and it’s a tremendous resource. Parents and babies deserve sleep!!!

    13. WellRed*

      Since you like advice columns, I recommend Slate’s Care and Feeding parenting column. I don’t even have kids but I love it.

      1. Ann*

        Yes! I also enjoy their weekly parenting advice podcast, Mom & Dad Are Fighting. It tends to be more focused on older kids but they address some toddler things sometimes. Overall, pretty entertaining. I liked the previous set of hosts (Gabe, Carvell, and Rebecca) better than the current ones (Dan, Jamilah, and Elizabeth) but you can still check out the old episodes.

      2. Jenny*

        I’m think Care and Feeding is a really mixed bag. She advocates co sleeping, for instance, which really isn’t safe.

        1. hermit crab*

          They have a handful of different writers! I like a couple of the writers more than the others, but like WellRed I enjoy the column a lot despite not having kids.

        2. blackcat*

          So “cosleeping” means different things to different people. But for a full term, healthy newborn, sleeping on the same bed as a parent does not introduce large amounts of risk IF…
          1) the cosleeping parent uses no medications
          2) there are no pillows or blankets on the bed
          3) the mattress is firm
          4) the infant is a healthy, full term baby.

          If cosleeping dramatically increases the amount of sleep a parent can get, that can reduce the chance of accidental death. I went almost a month with 3 hours of sleep or less a day until my pediatrician coached us on the above. Her stance–and I’m sure it’s right–is that at a certain point, the risk to the infant from sleep deprived parents outweighs that of cosleeping under the above conditions. And sleep deprivation is linked with PPD, which is linked with negative health outcomes for the infant.

          That said, if a newborn *will* sleep in a bassinet/crib, DO IT. Mine 100% would not, no matter how hard we tried. He had to be held. Sleeping in shifts did not work for us. Cosleeping dramatically increased the amount of sleep I got, which made me a better, safer parent for my child.

          Lots of parenting decisions involve some risk. Unless something is wildly negligent (ex: cosleeping while drunk with a giant pile of blankets around the baby), I file it under mind my own business because I don’t know an individual’s circumstances.

          1. Jenny*

            The letter involved in bed sleeping.

            My Dad is a pediatrician and he’s very anti bedsharing because he’s seen the cases and it’s horrifying. He was very clear to us he doesn’t consider it safe at all.

            1. Carriem*

              All babies will sleep in cribs if the parent insists. Imagine a NICU Every single child in a bassinet. I’ve coslept a little but I never recommend it. Sleep train instead. Babies learn where to sleep from us.

              1. blackcat*

                Uniformly, however, the advice is to not sleep train until a minimum of 6 weeks, with lots of advice to wait to 12 or 16 weeks.
                And plenty of infants are like mine–when they’re in the really sleepy newborn time (<2 weeks old), they sleep fine in a bassinet. Mine Would. Not. Sleep. not on a human from weeks 2-12. I was not willing to do sleep training with extensive crying with an infant that young. I tried strategies like Pick Up, Put Down, and Hush-patting that are recommended for very young babies and they did. not work. We eventually did full on sleep training at about 18 weeks old, so I'm not one of those "I'd never let my baby cry." types. But it felt *profoundly* wrong not to hold my <8 week old baby when he cried to be held, and I don't think I'm alone in that.

                As long as people take steps to reduce risks (ex cosleeping but with no pillows/blankets) and people need to do what works for them/their family. I found a lot of advice that was completely black and white to be alienating and it contributed to my PPD. So anything that says "All babies will ____" or "All babies can ___" really raises my hackles. No. There are always outliers, and saying to a parent that it's their fault if their child doesn't sleep can be harmful.

                1. blackcat*

                  Now that I think of it, most of the pictures of babies in NICUs that I’ve seen have been on their sides. And, a fair bit of the time, they’re sedated to some degree, to prevent them from ripping off all of the tubes.

    14. Cambridge Comma*

      My kids are trilingual. Everyone these days seems to do OPOL (one person one language) and it’s worked fine for us. The only issue we had was with other family members who are bilingual and keep switching languages, although they are getting better, so if you have any candidates for that you might want to talk to them about it before the baby comes.
      You also need to work out what your family language will be, if you can speak each other’s languages.

    15. Green Mug*

      Highly recommend Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine. It is an easy read, full of humor, but also true.

    16. Jackalope*

      I had doula training a few years ago and really appreciated the references they gave us for that. My general go-to book for general information is Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley, Ann Keppler, Janelle Durham, & April Bolding. It’s a nice straight-forward compilation of information that is readable and non-alarmist (seconding what others have said about not recommending What to Expect When You’re Expecting since it’s so fear-mongering); for example, possible issues are in chapters called, “When pregnancy/childbirth/post-partum gets complicated” (those are 3 separate chapters, not 1 with all the issues slammed together). For me, reading the word “complicated” is much better than something like “goes wrong” in terms of not increasing my anxiety. The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin is also a great book both for your partner and for you to read about things a partner can do to support you.

      As an aside, I obviously have a bias here, but I strongly encourage you to get a doula if that’s at all an option for you. A doula is a support person for you and your partner during labor (someone that’s not a hospital worker or a member of your usual community), and it can make a big difference in how the birth goes. A study based on randomly assigning a certain percentage of women in labor with a first baby a doula vs. not (same location, etc., so trying to factor out characteristics of birth that might make someone choose a doula beforehand), found that having a doula made a big difference. The labor time was decreased on average by a few hours, the number of C-sections was greatly reduced (in one case it was 63% of women without a doula having caesareans vs. 20% of women with a doula having caesareans, which is a HUGE difference, although that was a small study so the numbers could be skewed by the specific participants. Another study with more women involved still had half as many women having unplanned caesareans with a doula as without, though in that study it was 8% vs. 18% so much smaller numbers). Continuing their studies out to 2 months after the baby was born, mothers who had a doula had statistically significant better outcomes – significantly less negative emotions such as anxiety & depression, better relationships with their partners, a more positive bond with their babies, more likely to still be breastfeeding, etc. (Anyone wanting to look up the numbers & studies, I’m getting this from The Doula Book by Marshall Klaus, John Kennell, and Phyllis Klaus.)

      Anyway, that’s probably more than you wanted to know about this topic, so I will get off my soap box and leave you be, but just wanted to put that out there.

      1. D3*

        I second the doula, and also a GOOD childbirth class that aligns with the kind of birth you want. Good classes can be found in or out of hospitals, online, etc. If you want unmedicated birth, choose one focused on that. If you want pain meds, find one that focuses on having a good experience with pain meds.
        Avoid the cheapest, quickest, tries to be all things to all people ones, though.

      2. Natalie*

        ITA on getting a doula, as a satisfied doula customer. Ours wasn’t even able to be there for the birth (pandemic restrictions) and I still found her to be invaluable.

        Interview a few and go with whomever you click the most with. We got our best options through recommendations from friends.

      3. Anon pregnant lady*

        Hey, I live outside of the US so we have a slightly different system here. I’ve read about doulas and have an American friend who is trained as one. Obviously she can’t come to the birth but I will ask her for tips down the line. I think the idea of a doula is amazing for the American system, but over here everybody has midwives – they are an institution and nobody questions having one. So that’s the route I will probably go but I’m open to new ideas so I will do some reading and talk to my friend (and pay for her professional consultation obviously!).

    17. Ann*

      Definitely:
      – “Expecting Better” by Emily Oster (as many others have said!)
      – “Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy” for the nuts & bolts
      – “The Longest Shortest Time” podcast that ran for many years (recently ended but old episodes are still great)

      Possibly, in the order I would recommend them:
      – “Alpha Mom” (website/blog) has really good parenting and advice columns mostly aimed at the pregnancy/baby set
      – “Lucies List” (website/blog) is super helpful for researching baby gear and registry items
      – “Mom & Dad Are Fighting” (parenting podcast) is fun, but aimed more at older kids in general
      – “The Double Shift” (podcast for working moms) is interesting if you’re in their demographic
      – “Pregnant Chicken” (website/blog) is lighter reading, but all pregnancy/birth focused
      – “Coffee & Crumbs” (website/blog & podcast) is kind of meh for me but I have friends who love it. I found the podcast kind of vapid and pretty Christianity-focused but the essays on the website can be good. More introspective than informative.
      – “Scary Mommy” (website/blog) can be funny, but in general I found their articles to be too click-baity and anxiety-inducing, so I don’t visit anymore.

      Congratulations on your pregnancy!

      1. Heather*

        Alpha Mom also has a weekly pregnancy calendar that I really loved during my pregnancy (although I read through the whole thing at five weeks and then just skimmed afterwards).

    18. blackcat*

      My midwife (w/ 35 years experience, attached to a teaching hospital, so experienced but not set in her ways) specifically *disrecommended* the what to expect books because they spend a lot of time on things that can go wrong, and she generally finds that increases anxiety more than helping. Googling can do that, too. Expecting Better is a very good book, in part because she is not at all black and white in her recommendations (unless the research is very clear).

      My general tips:
      1) If you are a major puker, please seek treatment, and do not fear the drugs for it. I didn’t get on meds until I had lost ~15lbs and dropped below 100lbs, and it was very, very difficult to recover from that weight loss. It was only when my child was 18 months old, with the help of physical therapy and a personal trainer, that I was able to rebuild the loss muscle mass. The weight loss added complications to my pregnancy. Had I been more effectively treated earlier (and not tried to tough it out), I would likely have lost less weight and had an easier pregnancy overall.
      2) Random stuff will hurt. 99% of the time, it is normal. Round ligament pain sucks, and can start very early, and it’s scary if you don’t know it’s coming.
      3) Do some prep for an unmedicated birth even if you intend to get an epidural or other pain relief. I had a precipitous labor (which can and does happen with a first!) and there was no time for any pain relief.
      4) Related to 3, try to budget for a doula. They may not be able to assist in person much in the age of COVID, but most doulas will do pre and post birth support via phone and text as well, and I found my doula tremendously helpful despite the fact that she barely made it to the birth (see #3, I do not blame her, I nearly birthed in the hospital hallway only 45 minutes after calling my doula, and I actually credit her for getting me into a room in time since the nurses were taking their sweet time).
      5) Research options for pelvic floor physical therapy. I waited too long to get it after birth, and OMG IT WAS LIFE CHANGING. It’s standard in many countries but not in the US. Lots of women just assume that peeing yourself when you cough post-childbearing is normal. It may be common, but it is fixable!

      1. blackcat*

        Oh, and
        6) There are things that you 100% believe right now that you will never do as a parent. You may do them. For me, sleep training was one of those things. I thought it was cruel pre-kid, and afterwards, it was far and away the best choice for me and baby. Also, I was very very against co-sleeping and had drank the Flat on Back On Separate Surface Is The Only Way Kool-Aid. Turns out, some infants WILL NOT SLEEP THAT WAY. I had a very understanding pediatrician who worked with us to develop safer cosleeping practices when my kid was a newborn. Her rational is that profoundly sleep deprived parents are a much greater risk of causing accidental death, and less then ideal sleep situations will full-term, healthy newborns are a lower degree of risk.

        So, in the words of my pediatrician: Listen to your own needs. It is okay to put your needs first. Often that is the only way to be a good parent–you got to take care of you.

        1. Petticoatsandpincushions*

          You know what’s awful, and I felt very betrayed by when I learned it? Babies don’t sleep that way (flat on the back, bare crib, etc.) and that’s ON PURPOSE. The guidelines are partially to eliminate potential breathing obstructions, but also to keep baby from falling into such a deep sleep that their body forgets to breathe. Shallower sleep=safer sleep. We always do the safe sleep guidelines, but I feel like if that had been part of the information from the beginning, I could have been more at peace with his awful sleep in the early days. Instead I just felt like a crappy mom :/ And now I understand why moms and grandmas talk about their kids sleeping through the night at like a week old- babies on their belly are comfy enough to do that!

          1. blackcat*

            Yeah, I mean it’s totally weird that we expect newborns to go from *being in the womb* to a cold, lonely crib. Clearly evolution didn’t develop that system. So it’s not surprising it doesn’t work!

            We had three GLORIOUS weeks of sleep between when my kid learned to roll to his belly (and therefore could sleep that way!) and when the 4 month sleep regression it. He was an early roller, and as soon as he could get to his belly, he’d sleep for 3+ hours stretches, rather than 60-90 minutes.

            The benefits of cosleeping for us was that I nursed him, so he’d wake me, I’d shove a boob in his face, then fall back asleep. It made a HUGE difference in my sleep, and it is also very clearly the way mammals are meant to do things…

      2. Natalie*

        I think labor skills are helpful for any kind of labor, really. Most people have some time laboring at home before they go to the hospital, and they like you to get to a certain point before the epidural if you’re going that way.

      3. Anon pregnant lady*

        Thanks for posting! Your midwife may be right. I just had some fresh strawberries with pancakes yesterday and started feeling guilty about not “eating healthy” according to the What To Expect advice. Then again .. it was fresh strawberries! What was I so worried about? Geez. The book seems very strict and while it does contain some good info, I will take some of it with a grain of salt and supplement with my own research (of approved sources).

        I have an American friend who is a doula. Over here we have a midwife system but I will look into the doula philosophy. And pelvic floor phys.therapy I will ask about.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, I’d actually ask your friend for advice for a book that has some advice particular to your country. I would not follow US advice. We have a maternal mortality rate 3-10x higher than that of many European countries. We do not do things right!

          Eat what you want, within reason. Like, sure, have some ice cream, but don’t have an entire container. Fruit is fine. I had weeks on end where fruit–mostly grapes–was the only thing I could keep down, and it was helpful because it kept me hydrated.

          Eat when you’re hungry. Stop when you’re full. Try to mostly eat plants. Nuts are great for pregnancy. If you do end up throwing up a lot (which you may still, 4weeks is before most symptoms set in), you may get the advice from medical professionals to eat *whatever* you can. Literally anything that stays down is considered “healthy” because some calories are better than *no calories at all*

        2. Carriem*

          That book is literally the worst. It’s more appropriate title is… How to feel terrible about yourself all the time. ‘Is this the best bite for my baby?’ I mean really. Yes eat healthy. But you are a person too. I would never recommend it. This will date me (oldest is 17) but my jam was ‘Girlfriend’s Guide to Preganancy’ after WTE…scared the bajeesus out of me.

    19. Mephlye*

      My advice as a kid who had one language inside the home and another outside:
      Once they start having a life in the outside world, they are very likely to stop wanting to talk in the home language that is not the outside language. Two big “don’ts” in my opinion: don’t cave in and start talking in the outside language, and don’t force them to speak in the home language.
      The first one should be obvious: they will stop learning the home language. The second one is because it will taint the relationship – making the kid speak the language when they don’t want to will introduce tension that will tend to negatively colour their feelings about the language and perhaps about the parent that speaks it. The parent who speaks that language should just keep speaking it even if the child’s half of the dialogue is in the outside language, but without any pressure for the child to answer in the same language. This is often harder to do than it seems, because one (the parent) tends to answer back in the language the kid has just spoken in.

    20. blackcat*

      I apparently keep thinking of advice, but there’s one more thing:
      The “wait 12 weeks to tell anyone” guidance is too strict.
      I think a better rule of thumb is “Don’t tell anyone before 12 weeks unless you feel like you could also tell them about a miscarriage.”
      I was very, very ill from 5-12 weeks of pregnancy. Everyone I worked with new by 7 weeks. There was no way to hide it.
      And it was fine! Totally fine! Folks were awesome and supportive, and they would have also been supportive if things had not turned out well.
      I do regret telling my parents early, but that’s because they told the entire world. I was PISSED. At the same time, when I was 8 weeks, I visited them (pre-planned) and there was no way to hide it. If there’s another, they’re not hearing about it until I’m 20+ weeks….

      1. Anon pregnant lady*

        Yep, a big reason besides miscarriage fears is the knowledge that my mom will tell everybody and my dad won’t be able to contain himself and will tell his own family (which is huge). I’m meeting dad in a few weeks but I doubt alcohol will be on offer and I’ve always been round in the tummy so perhaps I can keep a secret..

    21. Pennyworth*

      My grandchildren are bilingual (now teenagers). One parent is from a Spanish speaking country, but the the other is fluent and they decided that their at home language would be Spanish for maximum exposure in an English speaking community. It has worked really well, and the children were able to move easily into Spanish speaking schools when the family moved to Chile for a few years. The only downside I know of was a somewhat limited English vocabulary when they started school, but that didn’t last long.

    22. blackcat*

      I thought of yet another piece of advice:
      Breastfeeding is not always the right choice for a family. There can be a lot of “breast is best” pressure, but the reality is that a happy parent is best, and formula is great. Emily Oster has a great piece at fivethirtyeight of all places about this. I think it’s an excerpt from Crib Sheet, but maybe it’s from expecting better.
      The gist is: the evidence for breastfeeding being better than formula is relatively weak since it’s hard to control for other factors. It likely provides some benefit for young infants, and plenty of people enjoy it. But it’s a source of stress for many, and your child can be perfectly healthy if they’re never breastfed.

      1. Carriem*

        Yes, my goodness. The SHAME I felt when it didn’t work out with my first. He did great on formula, but I was SO disappointed with myself. But then I had my second, BFing worked out fine, and I realized, I was the same good parent to her that I was to her brother. There was no difference. I wasted so much time feeling bad for something that truly didn’t matter to my child.

    24. anon for this one*

      Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck raising your child to be bilingual.
      I’m in Finland, where the official languages are Finnish and Swedish. My husband grew up speaking only Finnish, whereas my mom speaks Finnish and my dad Swedish. I learned both from the cradle. Because Swedish is an official language, my school language was Swedish from kindergarten to university. My mom stayed at home until I started in first grade, so I never went to daycare. When I started school, my dominant language was probably Finnish. In second grade, we moved to a mainly Swedish-speaking area, and my Swedish quickly caught up. I spent a lot of time then interpreting between my Swedish-speaking friends who knew some Finnish and my Finnish-speaking friends who knew almost no Swedish. At that time, I could switch languages without being aware of it just by glancing at one parent or the other.

      So I’m bilingual to the point that I don’t know which language is dominant. We’re also raising our son to be bilingual. Because I speak Finnish with my husband, he hears more of that at home, when he learned to talk he’d answer in Finnish although I spoke Swedish. From daycare onwards, he’s always been in a Swedish educational environment. Now that he’s starting fifth grade in the fall, his dominant language has been Swedish. But he speaks and reads Finnish fluently and from third grade onwards, he’s had instruction in Finnish as a first language as well as Swedish.

      All this to say that raising kids to be bilingual can take a bit of work, but it’s definitely worth it. Learning two languages early on makes learning even more languages later easier. One of my former coursemates from university was bilingual with Swedish the dominant language. She married a Finnish-speaking IT engineer and they went to Silicon Valley because of his job. She’s also working full-time and they’re making good money, so when they had kids, they hired a live-in nanny. She happened to be Mexican and they preferred her to speak her native language to the kids rather than broken English. When the kids went to school, they’d hire Spanish-speaking au pairs to drive the kids to and from school and to extracurriculars, because both were working long hours. So the kids grew up speaking Finnish, Swedish, English and Spanish. They’re fluent in English and Spanish, less so in Finnish and Swedish, because they basically only speak those languages with their parents. Now the kids are in college and very American.

      I have a few coworkers whose parents made a different decision

      1. anon for this one*

        Ooops, I hit submit too early.

        I have a few coworkers whose parents made a different decision and didn’t raise their kids to be bilingual. Some regret it more than others, but most people do recognize that it’s an advantage to learn several languages when you’re a child and your brain is wired for picking up new languages.

        My son watches a lot of English-language gaming videos on YouTube and sometimes I’m amazed at how much English he’s learned just from that.

        1. Anon pregnant lady*

          Thanks for writing about your experience, it’s very helpful. I guess I will de-anon to say I’m also from Finland and my partner is Estonian, so our kid won’t be able to get schooling in Estonian over here. In that sense, Swedish-Finnish bilingual kids are amazingly lucky, in a lot of places there is Swedish schooling available (I actually live next door to a Swedish school in the capital area). But my partner has Estonian friends and even some family members over here so the child will be able to pick up Estonian from those connections. It also helps that our country is used to bilingual people, so that mode of raising kids is accepted and appreciated even. And obviously Estonia is just a ferry ride away so in that sense we are lucky, too.

          1. Traveling Teacher*

            Are you sure? From what I know, Finland provides some bilingual instruction for Estonian, at least in bigger cities–see the link below.

            It’s not 50/50, but it’s more than zero! Additionally, I remember reading about how Finland provides instruction in the child’s other language, by law, if there are 4 or more children who speak that language in the school, but I might be mistaken about that or things might have changed!

            https://www.hel.fi/helsinki/en/childhood-and-education/comprehensive/what-how/bilingual-education/extensive-bilingual-education/

    25. Meg*

      I heard about the book “Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy” on a podcast where the author was interviewed. I gifted it to my best friend, and she said it was one of her favorite pregnancy books. It does a deep dive into the science of what’s happening to your body, and a lot of the things we don’t talk about.

      My side feminist rant (which I think aligns with the book but I haven’t read it myself) is that WHY don’t we openly talk about the wild stuff that happens to your body when you’re growing another human?? On a zoom last night a friend casually mentioned how itchy skin can be a pregnancy symptom. Like…you’re just super itchy and there’s nothing to do about it. I had no idea that was a thing!

    26. AnotherSarah*

      Ahhhhh this is my favorite subject at the moment. Lots of folks recommended Emily Oster; I agree and also recommend her mailing list. What to Expect rubbed me the wrong way, for its scare-mongering as well as its tone. I also found it (and my husband found it) deeply obnoxious about men/future fathers (there’s a line in there, for example, about men needing to move their gym clothing out of the hallway as their wives need to get up more in the night to go to the bathroom). You don’t say your partners gender but that may be a big issue for you as well. I would really recommend, partly as an antidote but also on its own merits, The Birth Partner. It’s aimed at people supporting you in birth, but I found it to be the most straightforward guide to birth (and, to an extent, pregnancy).

      I’m nearing the end of my pandemic pregnancy and what I would NOT recommend reading are news articles about the pandemic’s effects on pregnancy/birth/the fetus/babies. Most of them are observational, not randomized, and deal with very small populations. I hope that’s helpful! I’ve really enjoyed reading a lot about pregnancy and birth, and I hope you will find resources that work for you!

  5. Mama*

    I second Expecting Better. I read most of What to Expect But found it anxiety inducing. The AAP has a good book on what to know for the first year.

    We are raising our son bilingual. My husband talks as much as possible in his native language, including a daily bedtime story. However, my son is only ten months so I can’t guarantee this has worked yet!

    1. Anon pregnant lady*

      Some of What to Expect is very US-specific and those bits of info I am disregarding it and relying on local advice from doctors and known healthcare sources. Birth practises can vary country to country and the US healthcare system is nothing like we have here (I won’t get into specifics but I’m in a Nordic welfare state so we get a ton of support and everything but the hospital stay is going to be free).

      Good luck with raising a baby bilingually! I have one friend who spoke their dad’s native tongue only with dad who learned it semi-fluently, later studied it, lived abroad in his native country etc, so it took some extra effort on her part but I think consistency is key. She lived with her mother only so time with dad was always limited, which I believe played a part.

      1. Mama*

        Good luck to you too! Wonderful to give birth in a Nordic country ❤️ I’m sure your hospital probably has classes or other support as well. I read so much on pregnancy
        And birth but in hindsight that part is over quickly. Probably would have read more on breastfeeding or sleeping. But I know it’s hard to take more than one step at a time when you’re pregnant and feeling overwhelmed.

        1. blackcat*

          “but in hindsight that part is over quickly.”

          I LOL-ed at this. I legit spent 4x as much total time *in birth class* as I did *in labor.*

          It definitely helped me feel less scared during a semi-traumatic delivery, but yeah, birth class was 4 weeks x 2 hr per class, and labor was <2 hr. This is an atypical experience, though!

    2. Caroline Bowman*

      It has worked! I have done a bit of work on a fascinating series about baby development from 0-1 and the section on language and learning is just remarkable. Babies learn language from day 1. Literally from day 1. Their neural pathways are 100% open to becoming Norwegian, Chinese, English or anything else from the moment of their birth. If you speak to them regularly in however-many languages you or the other parent knows, they will absolutely learn those languages naturally. One can of course learn any language at any age but the neural pathways for certain sounds and intonations close off somewhat as one gets older and you start becoming shaped by the life you live.

      Even if the child doesn’t really speak much of whichever language or speak it terribly well, when they do get older, they will be able to pick it up extremely rapidly and – amazingly – also other unrelated languages. Being raised bilingual is an absolute gift.

      1. Mama*

        Awesome! Thanks for that info! I have tried to learn my husbands language as an adult and it’s so so hard to make my mouth make those sounds. Hope for sure it comes more naturally to the little guy.

        It probably would be more ideal if my husband only spoke his non English language to the baby but he prefers to speak English mostly, so he does as much as he can.

      2. Nita*

        Probably even before Day 1! I’ve heard that newborns can recognize melodies and language they heard still in the womb, and recognize voices they heard before they were born.

    3. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I don’t have any book recommendations but everyone on my side of the family (including me) is raising bi- or trilingual kids. There’s lots of steller advice out there but to just pick a few:
      – Speak consistently to the baby in both languages long before the baby is due to start babbling and preferably before they’re born. Babies can recognize familiar languages from the moment they get out.
      – Having lots of different media on hand will help inspire you in the beginning and help keep them interested in the long run.
      – If you have any famiky or friends who speak said languages, try to Zoom or invite them over frequently (when it’s safe!), not to formally teach the child but just to keep the language in the atmosphere.
      – Don’t worry of your child’s speech is delayed, that’s very normal in multiple-language households.
      – Your child will eventually almost certainly prefer to speak one language over the other, so try to be okay with that from now.
      – The more songs you and your partner know in your respective languages, the better. Songs are wonderful for babies in general and even more helpful when there are multiple languages at play. This is often a great way to get grandparents involved when that’s an option.
      – The final and most important thing I would say is if only one of the languages is a minority language where you live, try not to create too much pressure around learning it or by the time they’re three they’ll be actively resisting it.

      Sorry for the essay, I hope it helps. Best of luck! You’re in for an amazing and wild ride.

      1. Anon pregnant lady*

        Thanks, this is cool info. By prefering to speak one language, do you mean later in life (say, age 7+?) or as a child? I just read a study about two siblings whose parents speak the same languages as me & my partner, and the author concluded they codeswitch between the parents and different situations (visiting dad’s family or dad’s friend’s – dad language is used but mom’s family or school – mom’s language is used). And the one language spoken in kindergarten, school and later at work will obviously dominate in that sense.

        I have bilingual friends who feel like one language is their “heart” language, the one they use to communicate their deepest thoughts and feelings while the other can be a sort of “brain” language, which they use more but feel less comfortable expressing intimate emotions with.

        1. TL -*

          In general, most people end up with only one native language – one they speak with native level fluency. (Even people who are raised bilingual.) This tends to be the predominant language of the culture they grew up in – for Americans, English.

          Several of my friends were raised bilingual and all of them ended up being native English speakers – English is just slightly easier for them to communicate in than the other language, the slang is easier, communicating complex or technical ideas is easier.

            1. anon for this one*

              And Finns who grew up speaking both Finnish and Swedish. For some things, I prefer one, for others, another, but I literally can’t say which is my dominant language. I’m also fluent in English. I speak English with an accent, but usually pass as a native speaker in writing.

              Even if one language becomes dominant, the other is still there to be tapped. So if someone moves to an area or a country where their weaker language is dominant, they’ll use it more and it may end up becoming the dominant language.

              1. blackcat*

                I do not personally know any Finns, but I somehow know a ton of Swiss people. :)

                I definitely hear you on languages being able to be tapped. Even though I haven’t regularly used French since I was in school, I pick it back up really fast when I need to. Spanish less so, but I attribute that to properly learning it at a much older age. I had some Spanish exposure my whole life growing up in California, but I didn’t *really* learn it until I spent a year in South America when I was 19. Whereas I spent a fair bit of time in France starting at age 12. Both are definitely “second languages” for me, and I’ve always been envious of folks who are bilingual.

        2. anon for this one*

          Growing up, Finnish was my “heart” language because it was my mom’s language and she was SAHM until I went to school, and Swedish, the language I used at school, was my “brain” language. As an adult, I’ve mostly worked with Finnish as my work language. When I got pregnant, I wanted my son to be bilingual, which meant talking to my bump in Swedish and thinking about my unborn baby in Swedish. With him, my “heart” language is definitely Swedish, although Finnish is my “heart” language with my husband.

          It is possible to switch your “heart” language with some effort, but only if you’re pretty much bilingual already.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I have quite a few friends raising kids multi-lingually (two to four languages). Sometimes the kid will understand one language, but not speak it until they hear people having conversations in it. So, for example, the Dad speaks to the kid in French, and the kid will understand, but not clue into the fact that French is conversational until they hear the Dad and grandparents speaking French together.

      The babbling stage is particularly interesting. One kid had Chinese daycare, but parents that spoke English at home (and no Chinese), and the baby’s babbling had tones in it, like Chinese.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      My father and his siblings were bilingual as children. Grandpa announced, “We are in America now. We will speak English.” Grandma replied, “Ja, Papa,” and spoke only Norwegian within the home. (She spoke English well enough in public.) We suspect coming here was not her idea.
      Sadly, both parents died when the eldest child was still a teenager. The orphanage spoke English exclusively, and they retained only a smattering of Norwegian.

  6. Anon-a-souras*

    Does anyone have a decent grind and brew coffee maker they like? We’ve had a capresso coffee team one since 2003! that needs to be replaced. I already know all the reasons why they’re not ideal – but I’m attached. The amazon reviews are interwoven with coffee grinder and reviews of bad sellers and I can’t make heads or tails of them. My favorite review sites all insist that ‘you must grind your own, from a special space capsule, moments before you brew….”

    The reality – I’m clumsy and will spill grounds at least once a week when dealing with them in the morning.

    1. An American(ish) Werewolf in London*

      I don’t have a grind a brew, but (unusually in the UK) I do have a drip coffee maker. I have the Melita, which I’m very happy with – they do a version that is a grind and brew – if it’s as good as the ‘normal’ drip maker, I would recommend it (though, sadly, can’t speak to the exact model).

    2. e271828*

      Looks like Capresso is still making a similar model! Have a look at Whole Latte Love’s website, there are lots of similar models and the reviews etc. are more helpful than Amazon. The small footprint on the Capresso Team is very attractive in a world of countertop-sprawling mini-coffee-shop all-in-ones.

  7. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Another question for parents:
    So my first foster placement will be a kid of between 9 mos and two yrs. I don’t own a car and use a car sharing service instead. I would like to be able to keep it that way as cars are so expensive and I don’t need it for my commute.
    However, the car sharing service doesn’t have car seats available.
    I know for very small kids (group 0 up to 12 mos. of age) there are walker/car seat combos. Is that the case for group 1’s? So for kids over a week old?
    It would be so convenient to just have the car seat be the walker in terms of getting everything (stuff, walker, kiddo, car seat to the sharing station.

    Help!

    1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Jikes, obviously I meant, over a year old.

      I want to clarify I am not in the US, but specific recs for brands might still be helpful! And then I would know for sure they exist.

    2. Perpetua*

      I’m not familiar with the term walker in this context, so I’m assuming you’re thinking of a car seat/pram combo, so a car seat that transforms into a pram/stroller, right? Like the Doona?

      If so, I don’t think I’ve seen that for older babies. I believe size is an issue, because by that point, you need a bigger stroller area for them to sit comfortably, and what will work to keep them safe in the car, design-wise, will not be the same as what works in a stroller. :/

      If putting both a car seat and a separate stroller in the car is not an option, have you maybe thought of using a carrier or a wrap to carry the kid when out and about? It’s a different setup than using the stroller to put everything in it, but it can work and it takes up way less space.

    3. Eeniemeenie*

      I bought a BubbleBum which is an inflatable travel booster seat. Check the laws in your area to see if this is allowed for kids that age. But it is compact and inflates quickly.

    4. Caroline Bowman*

      I don’t have useful advice but huge congratulations and best of luck! It’ll be a wild and thrilling (AND SOMETIMES PETRIFYING) journey and I hope it goes brilliantly!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thank you so much! I already feel thrilled and petrified and the call hasn’t even come in. They told me to look into day care already (without a start date) and that’s nerve-wracking although I am assured everyone always manages.

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thank you! Yes, I am doing it by myself – which is scary but the foster care people are fully on board, luckily.

    6. Jules the First*

      I will watch this one with interest, because I was also hoping someone had come up with something, but so far my research has come up empty. Pre-9 months there are options; post-2-years there are options, but that rear-facing-but-not-infant stage seems like a hole in the market. Can you store anything at the car share station?

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Ah, too bad! Let’s hope something comes up. Unfortunately, there is no storage there. Worst case I can always to with kid and car seat and drive by the house to get everything else. But it would be nice to be more comfortable.

    7. Kage*

      This is tough. They don’t really make full travel systems for beyond the infant stage. And how long you can use those vary widely as they are all based on the kid’s weight and height. My tiny 18-month old, for example, could still be in hers; my giant nephew outgrew his before 12-months.

      The bigger question I have is how your car sharing system works and do you need to worry about lugging the seat with you all day? For example, are you renting a car to drive to City X, spending the day touring, and then renting a different car to drive home (so you have to take the seat out/with you)? Or are you renting the car for the day such that you will drive the same car home and could leave it in the car?

      If you want to plan for worst-case that you need to haul it with you, I would look for the smallest, lightest, and simplest convertible seat I could find. We have one called Safety 1st Continuum 3-in-1 Convertible Car Seat (we’re in the USA) that will last for the kid’s whole car seat/booster life. It’s one piece, not too gigantic, and pretty easy to move between cars. I would then spend more time/money finding a stroller that could help cart the seat around (either one with more storage space or maybe even getting a double). Or a bag pack/bag setup to carry the seat while walking around. Even if you don’t need to haul the car seat with you regularly, I would probably still look for this more for easier storage at home (some seats are big – my friend’s car seat model weighs 60lbs by itself).

      Whatever you choose, I would practice a lot with putting it in/out of a car once you get it before kiddo arrives (both with latches and the belt). It can be tricky at first and you want to be comfortable putting it into any car you get. Once you can master that, it becomes much easier for switching vehicles and you don’t want to be struggling while kiddo runs around unsupervised.

      Congrats + Good luck!

    8. Kage*

      This is tough. They don’t really make full travel systems for beyond the infant stage. And how long you can use those vary widely as they are all based on the kid’s weight and height. My tiny 18-month old, for example, could still be in hers; my giant nephew outgrew his before 12-months.

      The bigger question I have is how your car sharing system works and do you need to worry about lugging the seat with you all day? For example, are you renting a car to drive to City X, spending the day touring, and then renting a different car to drive home (so you have to take the seat out/with you)? Or are you renting the car for the day such that you will drive the same car home and could leave it in the car?

      If you want to plan for worst-case that you need to haul it with you, I would look for the smallest, lightest, and simplest convertible seat I could find. We have one called Safety 1st Continuum 3-in-1 Convertible Car Seat (we’re in the USA) that will last for the kid’s whole car seat/booster life. It’s one piece, not too gigantic, and pretty easy to move between cars. I would then spend more time/money finding a stroller that could help cart the seat around (either one with more storage space or maybe even getting a double). Or a bag pack/bag setup to carry the seat while walking around. Even if you don’t need to haul the car seat with you regularly, I would probably still look for this more for easier storage at home (some seats are big – my friend’s car seat model weighs 60lbs by itself).

      Whatever you choose, I would practice a lot with putting it in/out of a car once you get it before kiddo arrives (both with latches and the belt). It can be tricky at first and you want to be comfortable putting it into any car you get. Once you can master that, it becomes much easier for switching vehicles and you don’t want to be struggling while kiddo runs around unsupervised.

      Congrats + Good luck!!!

    9. Akcipitrokulo*

      Bucket seats are good for upto a year and come with buggies.

      Do make sure the older one you get is rear-facing! They should rear-face as long as possible (usually til about 4 years).

      2. Traveling Teacher*

        Agreed about rear facing, if possible! If you speak French, Securange has great recommendations and advice about rear facing car seats, but do make sure that you first take into account the biggest risk situation in your country. Here, it is side impacts (lots of roundabouts!), So we got a seat specifically designed to keep kids very safe in that situation.

        Good luck–the fact you are thinking about this and already caring about this means you are off to a great start!

    10. Ranon*

      I don’t know of a product for that tricky spot- my suggestion would be the lightest car seat you can buy and a backpack diaper bag. You buckle the diaper bag into the car seat like a baby, straps out, and then the backpack straps can be used to carry the car seat. It takes a sturdy backpack and a light seat but it works really well!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Oooooh, that is really clever!! Thank you! At least now I have a plan B :D I already found one car seats that’s only a couple of kgs.

        1. Anon-a-souras*

          Congratulations, that’s fantastic. In what seems like a lifetime ago we did a lot of travel with my son from infancy – 4yo.

          Lightweight car seat in a car seat backpack bag could work. There is also a product in the US called a Lily Gold Sit ‘n Stroll. We used it a lot when flying – didn’t take it ‘off-road’ much but I did loan it to a friend who used it in Paris and she said it was great.

    11. CopperPenny*

      I haven’t tried this, but a carseat travel dolly or carseat cart might be a good option for you. I know people who love them for airport travel. You can strap a convertible carseat to the cart, and strap the kid the carseat and use it basically like a stroller. I’m not sure how it works outside of short term usage, but it sounds like it might work for your needs.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      Yes, you can get combo walkers (“strollers” in the US) and car seats for kids up to 35lbs (4 – 5 years old). The combo ones are often marketed as “travel systems”. My memory of them is that they come with padding that you can remove as the kids grow. Target has multiple options in the Graco and Evenflo brands.

      I don’t want to do links bcs they make Alison do moderation work, so Google “Mayo Clinic strollers” for a good rundown of options and what to look for in a stroller.

    13. BethDH*

      I haven’t seen them here for that age and we wanted one. The ones available might be very expensive.
      What has worked well for us is getting one of the bags made for putting car seats on planes. They are heavy and durable, and the one we got has backpack straps.
      They are often made to be larger than needed to fit things like bases too, so get the smallest one that fits your seat so it doesn’t hang too far down your back.
      I would also resist the urge to get an umbrella stroller or other super-light one. They aren’t that durable, and it is helpful to have one that you can hang something on or use the storage area underneath without the stroller tipping. Our regular stroller folds with one hand but our umbrella stroller takes a lot more work to fold up. The only exception I would make to that is if you’ll have stairs.

    14. Disco Janet*

      Congrats! That is a tricky situation though – car seat stroller combos only come with infant car seats. Those max out around 30/35 pounds, so they will likely work with a two year old, but there’s a chance it won’t depending on their weight. You are going to want a very easy to install car seat – many of them are quite a pain in the butt. The large majority of car seats are installed incorrectly, and this can lead to serious injuries/car seat failure if an accident were to happen, so you want something that is easy to do properly if you’re going to be re-installing it every day.

      We live in the suburbs, but friends who live in the city have raved about the Doona for public transport. The stroller is actually part of the car seat! Sounds very convenient.

    15. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      At the risk of being the Debbie Downer, I would avoid this option if possible.

      Yes, there exist systems which convert between both functions, BUT they do neither function well, and car seats in particular are worth having as good as possible. The systems in full use tend to be BIG and that’s a PITA for day to day.

      So I’d ponder how often you actually expect to use a car. If it’s infrequent, you may be better able to tolerate carting along a bigger seat (or to afford taking an Uber to the sharing station). If you’re mostly going to be walking or using public transit then you want to optimise your purchase for those options, eg a stroller that folds one-handed when you get on the bus, something that fits into the closet in your narrow hallway, etc, rather than for “car seat fits on it”.

      Another observation is that there is a huge size variation in 9-24m children, and going by manufacturer’s recommendations may not suit a particular child. For example, my youngest child has such a long body that he was too tall for the standard bucket seat by 3m let alone 9m (we got a fixed seat he could rear face in until he was more like 18m), but my neighbour struggled to find a seat suitable for her 30lb 5yo when she was ready to face forward. If you can get a seat that claims to be suitable for 6m to 3y, say, it would be more flexible. In the UK you’d look for a “0+/1” style but I don’t know if you guys use the same stage system.

      Oh and if parenthood has taught me anything, it’s that you must must must be able to drop the stroller to lie-flat with the child in situ, and still be able to get to your stuff in the basket at the same time …

    16. Toddler Parent*

      Welcome to the frustrating world of car seats! I’m in the US, but hopefully this is still helpful… The only car seat I know of (in the US) that clicks into a stroller that works for kids over 12 months is the Chicco Fit2. But even that one is only up to 24 months and a larger child could outgrow it before that. (Most kids outgrow carseats by height first so you can’t just go by weight.) So that’s probably not right for you. So what you should be looking at is what’s called a “convertible” seat. In your situation you want to balance lightweight and small size with easy installation since you’ll be putting it in and out of car share cars. Parents in the US like the Cosco scenera next as a travel seat because it’s really lightweight and fairly easy to install. We have a Britax clicktight seat for our toddler. It’s one of the easiest to install but it’s big and heavy – you can get a wheeled cart thing to use from Britax but it still may be unwieldy. The blog Lucie’s list has a ton of good baby gear recommendations and has a really good explanation of what car seats you need at what ages and some recommendations for various situations. The blog is US based but probably still really helpful.

    18. Thankful for AAM*

      In the US, you can often go to the local fire station to learn how to buckle in a safety seat. Apparently, many of us here do it wrong. Maybe there is an agency or similar there to show you how. That might help with your decision making and planning.

      Also, I am not sure what a walker is (here they are for people who have mobility issues) but I am guessing that it is one of those that goes from pushing like a pram and lifts out and can be buckled into a car without moving the baby. I think those are only for small infants, not for older babies and toddlers.

      Does the agency placing the children have suggestions for you?

    19. J.B.*

      I think that we had a stroller you could snap a little baby seat into and then when kiddo could sit up it was a regular stroller. I prefer the regular stroller for a mobile or soon to be mobile kid anyway.

      Unfortunately rear facing car seats are monstrous, I would keep one in the car during the middle of a trip then return to your home.

      Congratulations!

    20. blackcat*

      You should be able to research lightweight “convertible” carseats available in your country. You can get a medium-weight stroller, and then use a strap to attach the carseat to the back of the stroller. I generally do this for travel, and it works just fine. I have to carry my bag o kid stuff, but that’s because the Zoe is such a small stroller.
      I have a Cosco Apt carseat and Zoe stroller for this, but again I don’t know what’s available in your country. Trifold strollers (like the Zoe, you can google it and see) are often very easy to take in/out of cars.

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing. Also, feel free to ask questions to your fellow writers.
    Not much for me, I’m afraid, on account of starting my summer thing-that-shan’t-be-named-in-this-thread.

    1. hamsterpants*

      What opportunities are there for technical-type writing other than doing it professionally? I loved writing research papers when I was a student but I get basically zero chance to do it as part of my job. I’m not looking for a career change, or even shifting my job duties. I just love the meld of creativity and technical thinking. For background, I’m in STEM.

      1. JobHunter*

        A colleague told me that she was asked by her former boss to be an associate editor for a journal. She got a new perspective on how to design experiments and report results. Maybe you can talk to a colleague and find out how to get involved yourself?

        1. hamsterpants*

          Hi JobHunter, I’m confused by your comment about “colleagues.” I’m not looking to do this professionally.

          1. JobHunter*

            I am also in STEM, and write papers to report my research results. My colleague serves as a volunteer to the journal, and is not compensated for her contribution. I am not sure how many papers she assists with, but it sounds like a only few now and then.

    2. Gina here*

      Awaiting contest results for a flash fiction piece and short story piece I wrote. Celebrating the 30 kudos on AO3. Debating writing one last longfic about a main character couple’s daughter. Suffering from self-doubt as a first-time writer trying to get officially published re: a paranormal romance. Lots of publisher rejections these last 2 weeks (one said they liked my story but disliked my voice—ouch!) but one company asked for a full then second manuscript….no idea where that’s headed…

    3. OTGW*

      I’ve been writing about 200-500 words every now and then in fanfic, kinda as the idea strikes me. I miss the days in high school where I wrote a lot more consistently, but I keep telling myself that those days are not gonna happen over night. But damn, it’s really nice to be in other people’s heads in other worlds.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this thread is not limited to video games.
    For the people who have (or at least have used) both versions of the Nintendo Switch (standard and Lite): which one do you prefer and why? I’m probably going to get the standard one but still, some opinions can’t hurt.
    As for what I’ve been playing: not a whole lot due to summer thing-that-shan’t-be-named-in-this-thread (although technically I suppose I’m playing real-life Tetris?) but I’m planning on getting a bit further in Ys Origin this weekend.

    1. Hazy Days*

      A friend and I have been having a great time playing collaborative puzzle games as a way to hang out at a distance. We loved TickTock and now we’re playing We Were Here.

    2. Catherine*

      I bought a Switch Lite and love it but regret that I didn’t pay extra for the regular Switch so that I could stream from it.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      So Pokémon Go has become a thing in my house again after over a year. I just turned on the ability to weave Pokemon and have it still track my distance. (I’m reading this on a early am Pokewalk before it’s 90°!)
      I’ve seeing people here talking about trading account information so they could friend up and give gifts. My husband is all about computer security…. We have techies on this page…what’a been Niantic’a record for security in Pokemon? Can posting my account and friend info here let someone else hack into anything else in my system? Thanks.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Huh. System glitched and this sent when I was proofreading. My kingdom for an edit button.

    5. cleo*

      Wingspan! Half my extended family is obsessed with this board game and we’ve had fun playing it via zoom with my parents. We’ve also used tabletopia with my BIL and SIL.

    6. AnonymousNurse*

      Highly recommend paying the extra to get the standard switch. Not only can you multiplayer easier (if that’s your thing) but you can also play on the TV. Sometimes I think Stardew Valley deserves to be played on the big screen. Also I have a friend who had a switch lite and had some joystick problems which could have been fixed for cheaper had she had the standard switch with detachable joy-cons. She ended up having to replace the entire unit, instead of just one joy-con.

    7. Quake Johnson*

      I’m doing Spider-Man PS4…again. ;p

      I probably missed this in past weeks but how did everyone like The Last of Us 2?

      1. Chylleh*

        I finished it last night finally. It was probably the most brutal and depressing game I’ve ever played in terms of its content, and sort of felt like a torture simulator. It’s an absolutely beautiful game with some amazing touches, and am glad to have made it through once, but I don’t think I could play it through again.

    8. Almost Academic*

      My partner just bought Superliminal for the switch and we love it so far. Definitely recommend to fans of puzzle-based games (Portal fans will especially enjoy it / appreciate the multiple nods to them). We have a standard switch, which we definitely prefer since we frequently play collaboratively using our dock and projector combo. Much easier than staring at the tiny screen.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Still exploring text adventure/IF games.

      I really like Emily Short’s work (Bronze, Savoir Faire, Metamorphoses). I also enjoyed Curses! very much.

      So, fairly complex worldbuilding with lots of logic puzzles, but where the game mechanics themselves are not deliberately frustrating (guess-the-verb is a stupid waste of time). And where there is at least one obviously happy/positive possible ending.

      Now I’m a bit stuck for a good next game. I’ve tried a few that were darker or more high-concept like Photopia, Make It Good, and Slouching Toward Bedlam, but they just weren’t fun to me.

      Any recommendations?

    10. Batty Twerp*

      Hubby bought me an oculus quest as an early 40th birthday present about6 weeks into lockdown when it became apparent that I certainly wasn’t going to be able to go to dance class for the foreseeable. So i got Beat Sabre and VR table tennis and a game based on that game show where you have to make your body fit holes in a moving wall. So I’m getting my exercise!
      But I’ve also been playing more casual games – the one I’ve just finished is Down The Rabbit Hole which is wonderfully immersive (although the Cheshire Cat smile appear in the darkness when you turn round freaked me out a little!
      Any other VR-ers here?

    11. DarthVelma*

      Well, we never did quite make it to Magic last weekend…and it looks like we’re not doing it this weekend either. We got distracted. :-)

      Friday night was Gloomhaven again. I made it to level 5 and we finally got the city up to level 2. Go Team! We’re starting to fight bigger and tougher monsters and it’s starting to get much more mentally intense, but still really fun. And you feel like you really accomplished something when you win.

      Yesterday we switched over to video games. We played Killing Floor 2 with some of our old Fortnite squadmates. I’m a zombie killing robot who really likes fire. There’s a little bit of leveling and perks and stuff, but mostly you just drop in and kill Zeds. It’s really intense, but so ridiculous that you can’t get too upset when you die. There’s a Santa’s Workshop map you can select and it was hilarious. Don’t want to spoil much, but I’m still feeling bad about killing gingerbread zombies. *snort*

      Don’t know if we’ll play much today. I think we’re making hot sauce and homemade pickles.

    12. Laura H.*

      Re your Switch Question:

      I have the normal Switch but was considering the Lite before I bought. I’m glad I went with the regular Switch for 2 reasons:

      1. I got it immediately vs having to wait (was about this time last year so the Lite wasn’t out yet)

      2. I’ve found that I prefer it as a tv console rather than a handheld (but it’s nice to have that option should my tv go on the fritz or brother needs the one I’m using for some reason, or other scenarios)

      Consider what you want it for. Both are pretty travel friendly but the regular can do the tv thing and some games are better with multiple controllers with one system (Smash Bros, Mario Kart, and Mario Party come to mind.)

      Downside could be you have to charge your controllers, but the joy cons slide into the regular Switch as a set. My brother has 2 sets of joy cons that he alternates while I have a wireless single controller that uses 2 AA Batteries in addition to the initial set of joy cons.

      Consider how you’d use it. I’d also maybe ask around your friend group for that sort of info too.

      Ask if you can um test drive a friend’s Switch (if you’re both ok with it and if circumstances permit.)

  10. Eeniemeenie*

    If your child is invited to a birthday party, is it rude to ask to bring your other child?

    At my daughter’s birthday party last year her friend’s parents brought their non-invited younger child without notice. I ended up making an extra drive to buy another meal for this child I wasn’t expecting. At this year’s party the same parents asked if their younger child could come as well, without even offering to pay (it seems pretty standard to offer to pay for the non invited kid if bringing siblings). This year we’re hiring a small party room with some games and I don’t particularly want a +1 kid. I’m extra annoyed because of covid job loss where we’re carefully watching our budget every week.

    1. Hazy Days*

      Yes, you can tell them that either they have to pay for the extra or that they can’t bring uninvited children – whichever suits you.
      Obviously phrase it tactfully (‘so sorry we can’t have little Frieda this year, but we hope Flora can still come’) but stick to your guns.

    2. Jaxom of Ruth*

      You can say no, but you may lose the invited kid as well. I’ve only asked when my choices were two kids or no kids. There have been times where my partner was unable to watch the other child and I have no other options. My kids are young enough that drop off parties are not available.

      1. Senor Montoya*

        See, if that’s the case, then call up and ask, prefacing it with, “This is a huge favor and if you can’t do it, please say no!”

    3. MistOrMister*

      I think it’s incredibly rude. Same as if you went to a dinner party and just showed up with or asked go bring along another guest. However, if your only complaint is the extra cost, then I would simply tell the parents that you have budgeted for X kids and they would need to pay for the uninvited child (although I think this would have Miss Manners clutching her pearls).

      One thing to keep in mind, these parents could be the sort that don’t let the older child do things if the younger can’t go as well. Obviously this is not your problem, but it’s possible that the older child has invitations rescinded when people don’t want to also host their sibling, which would be hurtful. It might be doing a kindnes to just take the younger child as well, if possible. Of course, this is pure speculation and might not be the case at all!

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Kind of like the time I sent a wedding invite to a family of four, and they sent the RSVP card back with reservations for five? I am not mad about it, but I was a little taken aback. It wasn’t like it was someone’s longtime partner, either; it was my second cousin’s new boyfriend, and they were like 18 at the time, so it didn’t even last. I had to pay almost $60 extra for another meal!

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            I honestly don’t even remember. Everyone was incredibly generous, so I’m sure they did. And we had a good time. I was just a bit taken aback. I’m just a “hick from the sticks,” as they say, but I still wouldn’t presume that I could show up to an event with an extra person. Maybe a free outing in the park, but not something that would cost my host extra money.

        2. Sc@rlettNZ*

          At least they RSVP’d. At my friend’s wedding her cousins turned up with their two children who hadn’t been invited (nor had anyone elses as it was a child-free wedding). This was a formal, sit-down affair and squeezing in two extra guests wasn’t exactly easy to do.

      2. Senor Montoya*

        Those parents are terrible (I knew parents like that when my child was small), but I would NOT be responsible for watching an additional child, especially a younger child.

        We always did birthday parties at home so it wasn’t a cost issue — there was plenty of food, I always had a couple extra goody bags ready (5 year old boys will drop stuff in the toilet…) — my husband and I were managing the invited kids, taking care of food prep, etc. Especially since part of every party was, go outside with Mr Dad and run around in the yard while Ms. Mom starts cleaning up the inside disaster.

    4. valentine*

      It’s rude to ask if they’re using you as free child care. Are the kids young enough all the parents stay, too?

      I can see where you want to keep it to one age group, and invitees only! So, tell them you made an exception last time, but will be sticking to invitees. (You can always make a different exception down the road. You don’t need to treat everyone the same.) And, if some rudester tries to fob a kid off on you, smile away while telling them no, that won’t be possible. Hold your ground. Don’t give reasons. Say you’ll email them later about it.

      I hope this couple will let the older kid have their own experiences.

    5. Akcipitrokulo*

      I’m with not necessarily rude to ask as long as you make it very clear that “no” is ok, and offer to pay any extra. Like “Hi – I realise this may not be possible, and that’s absolutely ok, but would (sibling) be able to come?”

      I’ve had parents ask that of me and usually it’s been fine – when it was at swimming pool and couldn’t acomodate it, I just said sorry, we can’t.

      1. Eeniemeenie*

        If asked in that way I likely would have been fine with the sibling attending. But it was just “can Other Child come too”. I guess I’m more annoyed with the impolite way she made this request.

        1. Alice*

          From the first post I thought they didn’t ask, they just surprised you. But maybe I misunderstood and they did ask? Personally I don’t see what’s rude about asking in advance, even without the “you’re not obligated to say yes because it’s a huge imposition” persiflage. IMO the only thing that would make it rude would be to ask after the extra child had already been brought to the party.

      2. WellRed*

        And then hope that all 15 kids you have invited don’t also all have siblings that parents ask to have included.

    6. Doc in a Box*

      You might also check with the place you’re hiring from — many indoor businesses (at least in the US) have limitations on the number of people who can be present at any given time.

      1. Eeniemeenie*

        Ooh. I’m in a country where covid risk is low right now. But of course that would be a major factor if in the US. I don’t know you but hope you are safe!

    7. Eeniemeenie*

      I’ve thought about it and realise it’s not actually the presence of an extra kid that bugs me, but the parents’ lack of consideration. In the past I had parents bring younger kids along but paid for the sibling themselves; and generally to larger venues where they supervise the other child- ie having the other kid does not incur even the slightest additional responsibility or inconvenience on host parents.

      But in this case the parents gave no consideration to us incurring extra costs, ignored the fact it was a small party with close friends only, and didn’t mention if they would be staying or expecting me to supervise. I didn’t like that and did not feel particularly welcoming or hospitable to this other child afterwards. So I’ve said no (politely) and am glad the sibling isn’t coming.

      1. Alice*

        Honestly this sounds like a happy ending. They asked, you answered politely, the extra kid isn’t coming and the invited kid is coming. No problems here :) happy birthday!

    8. PhyllisB*

      If anyone finds a good answer to this question, please let me know!! I dealt with this with my kids and now my grand-kids.
      I had a skating party for my grandson and one of the mothers showed up with not only all of the sibs, but three children she was baby-sitting for!! Now she did offer to pay for the extras, but really?? Luckily, we had a number of kids not show up so the numbers were fine. But I thought that was awfully nervy. Especially when she asked if I had goodie bags for the teenage kids, too. There again, I did because I had invited three teenage girls close to our family who were not able to come, but it irritated me to give them these bags I had made up special for these girls.

      1. PhyllisB*

        The other side to this coin is: how do you know if it’s okay to bring extra child? Same grandson got invited to a swim party at a campground. Only his name on invite. My younger granddaughter begged to go because she was good friends with this child’s cousin, but I said no because she wasn’t invited. Now if we had been close friends, I just would have called the mother and asked and offered to pay the extra fee. But we were cordial to one another but not close. Anyway, we got there, and every single person asked me why I didn’t bring Granddaughter. I said well, her name wasn’t on the invitation.

        1. Venus*

          I think it’s always reasonable to ask, although don’t do it last minute and if there is a cost then offer to pay your part. If there are limited numbers, like a party room with a max of 10 kids, then you could tell them that they can give the answer later when everyone has RSVP’d. I think the most important is to be kind about it, and be willing to accept a refusal.

          In thinking about it, I might only ask if the sibling knows others at the party. In your case they knew Granddaughter, so it would be reasonable to ask, whereas if the sibling knows no one including the birthday child then that could be awkward for the hosts.

          I also acknowledge that these conventions depend on local culture.

          1. PhyllisB*

            Granddaughter is not a sibling of grandson; she’s a cousin. If she had been a sibling I probably would have asked if she could come.
            This was a family from our church and they know all the grands very well because they all lived with us at the time, but I still didn’t feel it was right to bring her along when she was not specifically invited. I understand limits and having to pay for extra kids, ect.

    9. Nita*

      It really depends. If we know the entire family, there’s pretty much an assumption that we invite all the siblings, and that if they invite us it’s all of ours. If it’s someone one of the kids knows from school, the assumption is that siblings are not invited. I’ve never heard of the invited family paying the difference – here, it’s more common that they’re told the party has limited room and they just can’t bring siblings, period.

    10. Senor Montoya*

      It’s rude to ask and it’s even ruder to bring the other child without letting you know.

      Put on the invite, “So sorry, but we don’t have room for siblings, just [Name]! Thank you for understanding!”

      And then cross your fingers. Someone is going to ignore it…

    11. Jessi*

      A someone who had hosted a bunch of kids parties I feel like the correct way to do this is to go
      “Sorry we don’t have any childcare for other sibling so we won’t be able to make it “ and then the host can go – oh we have sibling is welcome, or sorry we could only do invited kids this year hope to see invited kid another time

    12. MatKnifeNinja*

      It’s gross, and parents use it as free babysitting.

      We had one family dump off sib girl and 3 brothers, then came back late from a mani-ped, and going out to eat with boyfriend. The girl was the only one invited, and the three boys were uncontrollable monsters at the venue.

      After that, all invites were done outside of school, so I wasn’t required to invite everyone in the class.

      Sorry the girl (who my niece wasn’t that close with) wasn’t invited next year, but her brothers all had behavioral issues and the mom unit was grifting trash.

      You do the whole class invite one year, then you learn who to send invites outside of school the next.

      1. Old Woman in Purple*

        I was so glad my daughter had a late-summer birthday; no obligation to invite the whole class! The 3 or 4 kids she got together with regularly over the summer were invited to her party, along with a couple family friends & a couple local cousins.

    13. RagingADHD*

      It’s not rude to ask. You can say no.

      In our circle, it was sometimes assumed by the host that the other sibling was welcome, and sometimes not. So asking for clarification is just the normal thing to do.

    14. ...*

      If they ask politely, I don’t think that’s rude all. Also depends on how well behaved the child is.

    15. allathian*

      I’m just glad that my 11-year-old has grown out of birthday parties! He has a couple of good friends who are always welcome at our house. The biggest party we had was his 7th, when we invited all the boys in his class to our house. The class rule was invite everybody or less than half, but not everybody except one or two. Most kids only invited classmates of the same gender, some invited their best friends of the opposite gender as well. For his 8th and 9th birthday parties we went to an indoor amusement park and a 3D game arena respectively. For his 10th, he just wanted to invite one friend to go with him to the 3D gaming place and we went for a pizza afterwards, and for his 11th in May, we didn’t do anything because of COVID. He’s fine with that. For his 8th birthday one parent brought a sibling, but the party fee included a discount ticket for each guest to attend at another time, the sibling used the invited kid’s discount ticket and the parent stayed there to help supervise the kids, so it was a win-win! And there was enough party food for the sibling to get a share, too. No goodie bag, but that wasn’t a problem for the sibling or the parent.

    16. The Rat-Catcher*

      This is probably dependent on your area. I’m the US Midwest and it’s understood that if a child is invited, siblings will attend and hosts will often ask “Where is (other child)?” if they are missing. Parties at facilities also tend to be priced in tiers (0-25 kids, $x, then 25-50 kids, $y. etc) so it’s unlikely that one child affects the cost of the party at all.

  11. Anonymousness*

    It’s going to be 9,000° this weekend and coming week. I use my AC sparingly and am trying to cut way back on sugar intake, but clearly will need cold beverages. Suggestions for unsweetened beverages? I don’t like milk at all. I drink loads of water, or seltzer with some lemon or lime juice and will make some iced tea. There don’t seem to be a whole lot of sugar free beverage options though.

    1. Catherine*

      Not totally sugar free but I like to dilute a little bit of fruit vinegar in my water. Pomegranate is especially good.

      1. Anonymousness*

        Never heard of fruit vinegar, but I will look it up. I don’t mind a wee bit of sugar. Just trying to avoid it in big doses, but it seemed easier to say sugar free. Thank you!

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I made blackberry vinegar last year (look up “shrub” recipes) and it’s actually quite tasty though not at all sugar free. I also like to make fruit, green, or mint tea as iced tea and usually drink it unsweetened.

      3. CTT*

        There’s a restaurant near me that does drinking vinegars mixed with soda water. It’s not for me, but my nephews and BIL loooove it (also apparently mixes well with vodka, if you want to make a cocktail out of it!)

        1. I take tea*

          I like apple cider vinegar in my water (maybe a tsp / glass), but pomegranate is good too!

    2. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      Yuck, I sympathize, it’s the same where I am. Cold hibiscus tea is one of the best things in the world, and it can be sweetened or unsweetened as you like. And you definitely don’t drink it with milk! Just make it the night before and stick it in the fridge. The brands where you get the whole, dried petals rather than shredded are most delicious.
      I also have recently come around to cold infused water (I’m blankingon the actual word). Stick some mint leaves, lemon slices, and blueberries in some water and rest in the fridge overnight. It’s purple and refreshing.

      1. Trixie*

        Yes! I fell in love with hibiscus ice tea while living in AZ and now by loose leaf in bulk online. The tart flavor is refreshing enough I don’t need to sweeten.

        1. Auntie Social*

          I fell in love with it in Egypt. I was refreshed so quickly, faster than soda or plain water.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      Iced barley tea – it’s a Japanese drink. You buy what is basically toasted barley (sometimes in a teabag, sometimes loose) and and make tea with it. It’s calorie and caffeine free, and has a light, slightly nutty flavour.

      I also like a combination of mint and green tea for iced tea, and have a collection of cocktail bitters for my soda water. A few dashes of something like Fee’s Brothers grapefruit bitters give you a lightly flavoured sparkling water.

    4. PX*

      You could go down the route of heavily diluted fruit cordials for flavour; not fully sugar free but nowhere near as much as a soda or pre-packaged drink. I’ve also been known to do this with crappy wine. Dilute it way down so you get some flavour but essentially has very little alcohol or sugar content per portion.

      I’ve also seen tea infusions available (ie herbal tea in a tea bag that you can let brew/chill) so that might be an option. Personally I’ve been doing a lot of just throwing fruit/cucumber in my water for flavour as well. Watermelon is good for this.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      I already have a big pitcher of water with sliced cucumbers and mint chilling in the fridge, along with unsweetened iced tea. We don’t have air conditioning at all, so I’ll probably spend the next few days looking for a shady spot in the yard.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If artificial sweeteners are an option – I drink Crystal Light peach mango green tea by the gallon, it seems. They also have a raspberry green tea version. (You mentioned both sugar free and unsweetened, so I wasn’t sure.)

      Otherwise, you could try other types of green, white or red teas cold – they’re all lighter than the traditional iced tea, which I think is usually black tea. Arnold Palmers maybe – half tea half lemonade?

    7. 00ff00Claire*

      Spindrift brand drinks are similar to seltzer and lemon / lime juice. They only have fruit juice added, so they are definitely not sweet. They have just a little sugar, but it’s probably similar to what you would get squeezing lemon into a water. They have several different flavors, but I find the blackberry and cranberry lime especially good, I think because you expect those flavors to be tangy. I like them instead of La croix and it’s imitators, which just taste too artificial for me.

    8. fancy drinks*

      My new favorite drink is cucumber, lime, mint with seltzer. It’s super refreshing and feels fancy. The recipe was in the NYTimes. I’ve had it with plain water too and it’s still refreshing but less fancy.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We recently started putting drops of candy-maker flavor extracts into water. One brand you can find at Major craft stores is Lorann. Do be aware that extracta and emulsions behave very differently– most importantly, emotions settle out, so you must shake them every time.

    10. Recent Grad*

      I like to keep iced hibiscus tea in my fridge in the summer. It’s tart, refreshing and a beautiful red color. It looks and tastes a lot like juice but without any sugar.

    11. Watermelon slushies!*

      Watermelon chunks & ice in the blender. Sprig of mint in the glass with it. Just be sure to stop the blender while you still have some solid bits of melon, don’t purée it.

    12. Washi*

      You already mentioned iced tea, but I like to make my own iced chai soy milk lattes, heavily featuring fresh ginger. Cinnamon gives the illusion of some sweetness without actually adding sugar!

    13. Ali G*

      Agua fresca! Any melon will work. Just blend it with a bit of citrus, strain, and add water to your dilution preference.

    14. GoryDetails*

      I’ll second the recommendations for shrub and for agua fresca – lots of variations there. Switchel is another vinegar-based variant, one I’ve enjoyed: it’s derived from old haymakers’ recipes, with vinegar, molasses, and ginger as flavorings. You can vary the ratio of the switchel to water so that it’s just a hint or is quite strong, depending on your preference.

      On a trip to Quebec a couple of years ago (remember when we could cross borders safely? Sigh…), the hotel had a big cooler of cucumber-water in the lobby, something I’d never had before. It was marvelously refreshing, not sweet at all but so crisp and bright…

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      With iced teas, I like to think outside the box and make iced herbal teas. Rooibos tea with a twist of lemon is heavenly. The variety of unusual herbal teas has really bloomed in the last several years. I bet you can find one that delights you.

    16. lapgiraffe*

      I keep a variety of bitters to add to seltzer, favorites include yuzu and bergamot from miracle mile bitters co, urban moonshine organic bitters, anything from San Francisco butters collection, I tend to buy them from Vena’s Fizz Shop in Portland ME but I imagine the internet is our friend here. It’s just dashes of it so the alcohol is a non factor, but it’s refreshing without being sweet, and you can get more herbal flavors happening that differentiate from lemons and limes (though add them! Its more than the sum of its parts.

      With a touch more alcohol, hahaha, I’ve become a kombucha drinker. You’ll need to check the labels cause some are barely sweet and some are like sodas, I’ve become partial to Health-Ade brand.

      Lastly, look up switchel! Super easy to make, some people make a syrup that makes it even easier, but if you make your own your obviously are in control of the sugar.

      1. Bluebell*

        Yes- here to second adding bitters to plain seltzer. I have grapefruit, orange and angostura right now. I also like to add 1T of grapefruit or lime juice for flavor, and sometimes fresh mint.

    17. Me*

      I’ve really been into mint and cucumber water recently. I have a lot of mint growing so there’s that, but basically take a handful of mint leaves (rinsed) and a small peeled, thinly sliced cucumber and put them in a quart jar. Use a muddler to squish them down a bit then add some water and squish some more. Fill jar all the way and store in fridge overnight.

      Very refreshing taste.

    18. Trixie*

      This is a big reason why I like using a SodeStream. I can have carbonated water plain or with fresh fruit or fruit juices. I haven’t experimented much with recipes but I know there are a ton of options unexplored. That cold carbonation also helps wean me off too much soda.

    19. Jackalope*

      Oh my goodness, that was the wrong comment to post here! Forgive the childbirth-related comments (Alison, if you see this feel free to delete my other post on this thread since it was obviously meant for the above thread!).

      The comment I MEANT to include here: My favorite nonsweetened drink is made by brewing Tazo herbal tea varieties Sweet Cinnamon Spice and Refreshmint together. I’ll make my tea at 6:40 a.m. or so and then let it steep for an hour or more until I remember it and start drinking. You can let it steep for a long time rather than taking the bags out in 5 min like with most teas. By the time I finish it at around 9:00 or so it’s cold and I think it tastes better that way than warm; not sure how much of that is that the cold makes the flavors come out differently vs. that it’s been steeping for over 2 hours by that point, but you can try it! You could always make some up the night before you want to drink it, let it sit around steeping for a few hours while you do your thing, and then toss it in the fridge overnight.

      Also, one mixed drink that may not appeal to you because it has some sugar, but others in this thread may like it: ginger beer mixed with fruit juice (my favorites are apple juice/cider or cherry juice, but pineapple juice also worked).

    20. Merci Dee*

      I like to use the water flavoring drops (Crystal Light, Kool Aid, even store brands), or the flavoring packets to add some flavor to my water. Those typically have artificial sweeteners, so they’re zero calories per serving. I like the liquid drops better than the powder packets because I can more easily control the intensity of the flavor in my water. I always have several varieties on hand so that I can switch up the flavor.

    21. Elf*

      Celestial Seasonings raspberry zinger tea. Put 5 teabags in a pitcher of cold water in the fridge overnight. Done.

      I am a person who wants most of my beverages super sweet, but that one is always good for me, and has no sugar OR artificial sweeteners.

      Putting slices of cucumber in a pitcher of water in the fridge is also surprisingly amazing.

    22. RagingADHD*

      We love flavored fizzy water. Some of them are sweetened, many are not. Many chains now have their own house brands equivalent to LeCroix.

    23. Alex*

      I like the “stur” brand of water flavor drops. They are stevia-based and all natural. That is assuming the unsweetened preference is because of your wish to avoid sugar, not because you don’t like sweetness, as they are sweet.

    24. Observer*

      In general, there are a lot of really nice herbal teas that you can make that don’t need to be sweetened. Just be aware that a lot of them are actually tea with something else. Which is not a terrible thing, but if tea does not agree with you , or you need to keep your caffeine intake low, keep an eye on them.

  12. Fan account*

    How intrusive is Instagram?

    I’ve been thinking about creating an Instagram account strictly for fangirling stuff. I have an email account that I use only for fan stuff, completely separate and without any info connected to my personal account. This is the email I will use to sign up, but I only have one cellphone and have to use that.

    Even if I don’t allow Instagram to sync my contacts, will it still creep into my non fan account? For example, will Instagram recommend my fan account to my people in my personal contact list?

    Any stories? Tips to make the account as private and unconnected as possible to my real identity?

    1. PX*

      Instagram is pretty good about not connecting to your phone contacts from what I recall (actual Facebook and weirdly enough LinkedIn were the worst for this). I just checked the settings on mine, and I’ve set it so it doesnt have permission to access anything on my phone other than the storage (which it kind of needs to work) so you can have it pretty locked down with no issues.

      In the app itself, the algorithms seem heavily based on who you follow in the app itself. It will recommend connections based on who you end up following on Instagram, so as long as you dont follow/connect with anyone you know “in real life” its highly unlikely that other people will see you show up as a recommendation.

      Otherwise go through the privacy settings and adjust them fully when you first join, set your account to private and you should be good to go. Happy fangirling!

    2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Instagram is owned by Facebook, so don’t have any expectations about privacy.

    3. Ginger Sheep*

      I have a « hobby » account and a « life stuff » account on Instagram that I keep completely separated, with different email addresses etc, but connect to both from my iPad and phone. I have never seen any crossover in the content/recommandations/suggested contacts between the two accounts (I.e. my hobby account is exclusively cookie decorating stuff, and I follow over 800 cookies accounts. Not once has my « life » account suggested cookie-related content to me.) One caveat however: I am not on Facebook at all, so it might help keeping things separated.

    4. InstaFan*

      Don’t sync instagram to your contacts. You don’t need to and frankly, your contacts will probably just post things that annoy you. I love instagram but I only follow places/topics that interest me.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I have multiple accounts I manage for work, haven’t noticed any issues with crossover. Then again, I wouldn’t have any way of knowing if followers of one account had the other, apparently unrelated, business pop up in their suggestions.

      If your fangirl account isn’t readily identifiable as you, why would anyone care if they get it as a suggestion? They’d most likely ignore it as random, or some distant six-degrees connection, wouldn’t they?

    6. Unicornucopia*

      I was in a related situation, and you can set it so that your account won’t be recommended to anyone at all if that helps with your peace of mind. That may not be what you want but otherwise I think keeping the emails separate would be enough.

    7. Le Corbustier*

      Nope nope nope, wouldn’t do it. I have a personal account and a separate hobby account, one connected purely to my phone number and one connected purely to my email but I use both on my cell phone. No crossover in account info, followers or accounts I follow on them and hobby account is private. I haven’t noticed crossover in recommendations in my end BUT…I had my hobby account recommended to a friend on her Instagram even though it has no association with her account whatsoever, she is only connected to me through my personal account. Resulted in a phone call from her asking if the account that popped up on her recommended contacts was me or if I got hacked. If your hobby is private in any way I wouldn’t do it.

  13. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    I like to check out ebooks from my library and read them on my phone, but I find that I easily get distracted by the internet and don’t actually read the book! I’ve been pondering buying a dedicated ebook reader (probably used off eBay) that has more limited internet, so that I can install the appropriate library app to check out books but don’t then find myself on Twitter. I’d prefer to be able to transfer things via WiFi rather than having to plug it in to the computer.

    Any recommendations?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I have the Kobo forma which I really like. I find it much easier on the eyes than a backlit screen, but it also has a front lighting system for reading in low light situations. It’s the larger of the various models, but is still light enough to hold in one hand while reading on the bus, and the battery life is fantastic. It comes with Overdrive pre-installed, for library use. Wifi is pretty standard for any but the oldest eReaders.

      The two main players for dedicated readers are the Kobo and the Kindle. The Kindle is compatible with Amazon (mobi, azw), and the Kobo with the Kobo store (epubs). The Kobo is much more useful for libraries, as they usually deal with epubs. Both can handle the free books downloaded from project Gutenberg.

    2. Mystery Bookworm*

      Also like my Kobo. And I really love having a dedicated e-reader, I find it way more relaxing!

    3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I have a Kobo and am happy with it! I chose it because it was budget-friendly, but there isn’t really anything I “miss” about it. It has Wi-Fi and you can purchase books from the Kobo store; they upload directly.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How does your library, format wise? Mine does 99% kindle books, like they literally send me to Amazon to download it, so my dedicated reader is a kindle fire that I got from Amazon for $40.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        The library does both epub and Kindle formats. I also sometimes like to put PDF files to read on my phone, how would something like the kobo handle that?

      2. MysteryFan*

        It’s Kindle Paperwhite for me. In addition to the plethora of free/cheap books that are accessible thru Amazon
        Prime, most libraries have their Ebook library in Kindle format (as well as other formats such as EPub).

        The screen is backlit, but in a very diffuse and easy on the eyes light. Not to be confused with a Kindle Fire, which is more like an iPad/EReader combo. The screen on a Kindle Fire is backlit like a computer or phone.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I have the kindle paper white and love it! It’s a good size, and most if my local library books are kindle so it works. The battery is great, and I really do feel like I’m reading a paper back book.

    6. Valancy Snaith*

      I have a Kobo Clara that I really love. Lightweight even with a case, easy to manage, and very straightforward to navigate. I bought one for my 72-year-old dad for Christmas last year and he was able to download books from the library onto it in seconds and he was very impressed with how quick and easy it was for him to do so. I definitely read more using it!

    8. cleo*

      I have a Kindle Fire – it’s a tablet, not a dedicated ebook book reader – I prefer a backlit screen to the e-ink readers I’ve tried.

      Even though it’s a tablet, I find my kindle fire much less distracting than my phone. I deliberately didn’t install any social medial apps like Facebook and I only use it for reading. You can add apps but it’s limited to a sub set of Android apps. Of the apps my library system uses, Overdrive and Hoopla are available but Libby isn’t.

    9. Senor Montoya*

      I use LIBBY on my ipad. Works great.

      This app can also send the books to your kindle, or to a kindle app on another device.

      1. Uranus Wars*

        2nd Libby. I have used it thru the app and thru my Kindle Voyager. I also have access to a statewide network of ePubs thru Libby that I can’t get directly from my library.

        OP, my kindle is wifi and just refreshes my new borrows when I sent them to my device. There is nothing but books on it, not like the Kindle Fire tablet which you might find as distracting as what you are doing now.

    10. MsChanandlerBong*

      I absolutely love my Kindle Paperwhite. I paid extra for the backlit edition so that I can read in bed without disturbing my husband. It stores tons of books, it’s easy to read (it’s not like looking at a screen, so it doesn’t bother my eyes like staring at a computer or tablet does), and it only has an experimental browser, so there’s almost no way to get distracted by the internet. The main drawback of it is that sometimes I can’t buy books directly from it; I have to log in to Amazon on my computer or smartphone, buy a book, and then send it to the Paperwhite. I don’t know why that is–seems odd that they’d have it set up so that people can’t make impulse purchases right from the device. But it’s not such a big flaw that I am unhappy with my purchase. One other pet peeve is that when you search for books in a series, it shows you a list of books with the full titles, but it cuts them off after a certain number of characters. So if the series isn’t displayed in order, which I find is true a lot of the time, you have to click on each title until you find the most recent one (or the first one if you’re looking to start a series from the beginning) because the series number is cut off. Again, it’s annoying, but not a dealbreaker.

    11. Ronda*

      I think all the ebook readers are pretty much same…. some small differences, but not really big ones (also differences between models over the years as they added and removed a few features) If you get a really old model, transfering by wifi might be one of those missing features.

      I use kindle. It seems libraries are now offering multiple formats of the book, so you should be able to use any reader you like. originally they didnt offer kindle formats, but that changed many years ago. I am an amazon user, so kindle book system is the best choice for me.

      If you like to read any of the comicbook type of books, you might be happier with a tablet that will allow color.

      If you enjoy reading on your phone and that is the preferred size…. just get an old phone with no phone/ internet connection to use for reading and dont add other stuff to it.
      The kindles have also gotten lighter over the years, so older models will be heavier (probably true with other brands too)

    12. Jenny*

      I have an early generation Kindle (it’s seriously ten years old) and I love it. My husband has the paperwhite, which he loves, but I will say I prefer my old school one. If you can find a well treated one used, I would say go for it. Comboed with Libby it is amazing.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve had both a Kindle Paperwhite and the Kindle Fire and liked both. The Fire is more like a true tablet and it’s good to take on trips. The Paperwhite was more of a dedicated reader. I like a “book” feel and have a cover for it that opens like a book.

    14. Thankful for AAM*

      I help people with ebooks for a living (public library).

      Overall the ereaders and tablets are pretty similar, it is just a matter of personal preferences. Like you get distracted by other apps, others care most about the light or the weight.

      A couple of things people did not mention so far in this thread:
      -Battery life. I love the long battery life on a kindle paperwhite, I think it might have the longest of all devices but dont know much about the kobo.
      -Apps/getting free library books. Google a device and the name of the apps/ebook systems your library uses to make sure they will work together. They should all download online to most devices. But the apps your library uses might not work with a Kobo (overdrive recently did add kobo support). Kobo will not work with Libby, the newer version of the overdrive app. And to get books on a kindle paperwhite requires putting the app on your phone to borrow items but there is an extra step – it sends you to Amazon to get the kindle version of the item, then the app will send the item to your kindle.
      -Weight. The kindle paperlight is very light.

      I personally find the kindle fire hard to read on bc of the light and the way it looks and feels.

      I love my kindle paperwhite for its battery life, light, and light weight. I don’t bother with a cover bc that makes it bulkier and harder to carry. I’m pretty hard on it and it is fine.

      I work in an affluent area but have never had anyone come in with a Kobo so I don’t have anything to add about that.

      I hope this helps!

    15. Stephanie*

      I have a Kindle Paperwhite. I was resistant, but it’s been pretty good as a dedicated e-reader. It’s backlit, but in a diffuse way.

    16. PhyllisB*

      I’m old school and prefer real books. My kids have tried for years to get me an e-reader and I have resisted. Having said that, I noticed my phone has a Kindle app on it and I’ve been thinking about trying it out. Does anyone on here use the app on their phone and do you like it?
      On a related note, I’ve seen on Amazon all these e-books you can get for free. Are they really free? How can they afford to give all these books away?

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        @Phyllis B
        The free Amazon books on kindle are, in my experience, self published, not very good, and/or not popular books.

        The best free option to trying ebooks and eaudiobooks (excellent on a phone, by the way) is free items from your local library.

        It would be easier to read the books in the app your library uses, Libby, Hoopla, Cloud library, etc. You could do the extra step and have some of them moved to the kindle app, but that just adds a confusing step to the process.

        You should be able to call your public library and they can walk you through the process they give you free access to.

  14. Hotdog not dog*

    Well, I’m happy to report that my garden has nearly reached “jungle mode”! It’s never looked more lush or been this productive. I’ve also never had the kind of time to devote to tending it than I do thanks to the lockdown, so I suppose there’s the tiny bit of silver lining in that. I’m currently up to my eyebrows in zucchini, but tomatoes are coming next! Can’t wait!

    1. Venus*

      Nice! We finally had some rain this week so I am hopeful my tomato plants will grow bigger. The raspberries were delicious and my garlic will soon be ready for picking.

    2. Anonymath*

      We’re at the time of year where it’s too hot for much of anything to grow except okra and peppers. I’d be happy to trade you okra for your zucchini! Passion fruit have finally stopped dropping, we ended up with over 600 of them. The papaya trees are about 4 feet tall and taking over their side of the side yard from the volunteer tomatoes. The new orange tree we bought has settled in and retained some of its fruit. Everything else is waiting till it cools off to get back to being productive.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We will be having our first zucchini and yellow squash today. happily I picked up 2 heirloom tomato plants because of all the seeds I started, nothing is big enough to have flowers yet even. Next year if I start my own seeds, I will be using 2 grow lights per shelf, and I won’t use those stupid little peat pots. I think the roots got damaged when I moved them out of the peat pots.
      The tomatoes are the only thing that the rose papers have not been eating to shreds. My poor dahlias made it through the winter but have not thrived. I have 3 hanging on by a thread…only one big enough to have flowers. Two bug-eaten flowers. :( Similar results with the geraniums. Except for the huge one in the pot…that’s still fun.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m not a gardener, but I thought the point of the little peat pots is that you just plant them with the starting-plant still in, rather than taking the started plant out of them? or am I thinking of something else?

      2. Me*

        Don’t use the peat pots. Too hard to get good root development.

        I start seeds in trays on a rolling metal rack (like 7-shelf rack from Lowe’s). I use 2 LED shop fixtures per shelf.

        I up-pot into 32 oz cottage cheese and yogurt containers with slots cut out along the bottom (water from bottom). Tomatoes get up-potted again into gallon black nursery pots.

        Squash doesn’t get up-potted. Start seed, get a bit of growth and then plant in garden within two weeks of sprouting. Just take care to not jostle roots when planting. Plant on a cool morning, shade plant first day or two depending on heat. Only water squash in mornings to avoid disease.

    4. Lena Carabina starter gardener*

      I have made a start on the back yard. I am doing a bit at a time because the soil is really clay-ey, and the dandelions have super taken root. I’m not sure I’m going to completely eliminate them – they’re like mini trees. If you know how to get rid of dandelions, I’m all ears!

      One of the roses that I bought and planted in the front strip of garden a wek ago ended up looking half dead, so I took it back and planted a fuchsia in its place. The other rose has flowered one glorious pastel yellow rose, which looks stunning. And I managed to do a bit of weeding on the front too, to maintain it!
      I’ll post a picture of the rose in a reply.

      I’m pretty impressed with myself ;)
      Now I just have to get some quotes for the back yard and see what I can do there.
      Any recommendations for plants in clay-type soil?

    5. KaciHall*

      I didn’t weed my garden for a well and realized that all of the weeds/grass I’d been pulling up were actually corn! I did not plant corn. We just bought this house so I guess the previous owner had corn planted out there – or a squirrel feeder!

      My tomato plants are growing excellently, though. The peppers aren’t doing as well in my garden, though I have hot peppers in containers in the front yard that are doing excellently!

      1. Me*

        Have you hit the peppers with some fertilizer? My in ground peppers need a side-dressing of dry fertilizer every few weeks. And that’s with tons of compost and mulch on them. They’re fairly heavy feeders.

  15. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    A few days ago, I suddenly started getting spam calls, texts and voicemails intended for someone named “Lucretia.” Needless to say, I am not Lucretia, and the solicitations I’m getting are for everything from credit-score-boosting products to weight-loss pills to seedy chat rooms. I’m getting about 15 unwanted calls and texts per day, sometimes several per hour. Aaugh!

    I tried researching how to stop this, and I’m already doing everything suggested:

    (1) Blocking the calls — ineffective, as they just call and text from different numbers. Also, blocking the calls doesn’t stop the voicemails from coming through.

    (2) Adding my number to “Do Not Call” registry — already done years ago. But if this “Lucretia” person actually exists, and they signed up voluntarily for something malicious using my number, does “Do Not Call” even apply?

    (3) Investigating how my service provider can help — I haven’t found any help that my provider (Spectrum) offers on this issue.

    (4) Changing settings on my phone — I discovered that my “Caller ID and spam protection” (on my Samsung smartphone) was set to “Off,” and I turned it “On.” That did improve things, but just a little.

    What am I missing? This also happened to my wife, and she says there’s nothing I can do but if I reject and block all the calls, it should run its course in about a month. Is that the best answer? 

    Thanks for any help!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      We had a huge pocket of spammers here. I noticed that when I stopped answering the phone, the frequency dropped off a lot.
      Years ago, I heard that the word “Hello” triggers the bot/recording. Since then I have made sure my out going message on the answering machine/voice mail does not start with hello. Not sure how true this one is any more.

      I think that phone service vendors are going to have to do more and more to block spam because the phones are getting to be almost useless.

      I do google some numbers and I can see from the sites reporting spammers that sometimes certain numbers are targeting a particular area atm.

    2. CJM*

      I’m sorry. That sounds maddening.

      You’re taking all the steps I’ve taken to manage an increasing number of spam calls. I took an additional step that’s helping. For me it’s the alerts that annoy me the most. So I turned them on only for numbers in my contacts list. All other numbers — unknown numbers — are silent. I figure that anyone I want to hear from who’s not in my contacts list can leave a voicemail message.

      That doesn’t solve your problem of unwanted voicemail messages you have to check, but for me it’s been a big help. I have fewer annoying interruptions and a small sense of control. Spammers no longer bother me as I nap on the couch. My mother, unfortunately, still does.

      I don’t remember exactly how I set this up. I think I turned alerts off globally in my phone’s options, and then I turned them on for all of my contacts — something like that. Or maybe there was an option to set alerts for contacts only. I didn’t set up each contact’s alert individually, but I would have to get some relief. I remember using Google to help me figure out how to do it on my particular model.

      Another thing that’s helped is to not dismiss spam calls. When I see an unknown number ring through (I may see it, but now I don’t hear it!), I don’t touch my phone. Spammers seem less likely to leave voicemails if I don’t dismiss their calls. Or maybe that’s just coincidence.

      I hope that helps. Good luck to us all! With elections coming, I think this will worsen.

      1. CJM*

        I just checked, and it looks like I visited the settings for my phone app and set the ringtone to “none.” Then I visited each of my top dozen contacts to assign ringtones. If other contacts call and leave me messages, I can decide if I want to set them up to have ringtones too (or let them just continue to leave me voicemails).

    3. Generic Name*

      I have this same problem, but it’s only political campaigns. I’m not sure if she intentionally provided a fake number or if it was by mistake. She has a fairly unique first name, and I managed to find her address via voter info. I have half a mind to knock on her door and tell her to stop using my number. I won’t of course. I just nicely tell the person contacting me the number is incorrect And to remove it from their list. My husband gets calls for someone named Michelle Kopernickle, who apparently has money problems. He’s gotten calls for years.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        My husband has gotten calls for years for a man named Greg — Greg skips out on rent, doesn’t pay his child support, and also occasionally gives out the number to his one night stands. We haven’t had calls for Greg for about a year now though. Not sure why! (Our theory is prison lol)

    4. Not A Manager*

      My phone has a setting to ignore any calls that aren’t from known numbers. They’re not blocked and can leave a message, so if it’s legit someone can still reach me. That reduces the annoyance of spam calls quite a bit.

      Before the update that enabled that feature, I would literally ignore any call from an unknown number. That was more of a pain because I’d have to grab my phone and reject the alert to stop it from ringing, but it was a decent workaround to actually answering all those bot calls.

      My theory is if a stranger really wants to reach me, they can leave a message.

      1. CJM*

        I have an older cell phone and looked for that setting (“ignore any calls that aren’t from known numbers”), but unfortunately it isn’t available to me. (How I wish I had it! I’d consider a new cell phone just to get that.) For others who don’t have that option, the steps I mentioned above work pretty well.

        I totally agree with you: Anyone who wants to leave a message — even my aunt who calls once a decade — still can. But only my closest family members and friends are allowed my immediate attention.

        1. Wander*

          I don’t know how old your phone is, but if you can download apps, there’s ones that do that. My spouse (with an 8 year old phone) uses one that sends any calls from a non-contact directly to voicemail. The phone will still ring for anyone on the contact list, but otherwise it’s silent.

    5. Red Sky*

      I’ve heard that the NoMoRobo app is good for cutting down on those types of calls and texts, but haven’t tried it myself yet.

    6. Senor Montoya*

      I don’t listen to any voicemail that is from an unrecognized number, I just delete it. If it shows up more than once, I take the time to block it before deleting.

      You have to keep up w your contact list — I deleted some voicemail from my new PT til I added her in. Ooops!

      I;m annoyed that I have to spend the time deleting and blocking…

    7. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Thanks for the responses. It sounds like there’s nothing I can do to make the actual calls stop. I’m kind of upset (at the situation, not you folks commenting!) because the number I got when I switched providers years ago belonged to a woman that seemed to have 300 ex-boyfriends. After years of blocking calls, it finally, eventually, all rolled to a stop. And now this one person gives out the wrong number to the wrong party, and I’m back to square one. Frustrating.

      1. Auntie Social*

        I tell callers that they’ve reached the Chem Lab at Nearby University (we have several colleges in town). Now that school is not in session I may become a City Water Dept or something. The caller is anxious to get off since it’s not a good number.

        1. Stephanie*

          I get a decent amount of spam calls on my work phone. Usually saying it’s a business line gets them to hang up super quickly.

        2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          It’s funny, I was told in the past that answering the phone and engaging the caller validates that they have a real person and makes the spam many times worse. Is that not the case? Would I be better off answering the calls?

    8. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      I use Nomorobo for my house phone but do not want to spend the $$ for the cell phone. Since I use my cell phone for business, I can’t not pick up the phone. I answer, use the prompt to talk to the spammer and put the phone down. In the background, I hear, Hello, Hello, is anybody there and usually produce a smug smile while I continue with whatever I was doing.

    9. Thankful for AAM*

      There are lots of apps, many free, that block robocalls. They will even use AI to keep the caller talking, it can be pretty funny. A friend uses these apps and shares the recordings.

    10. lasslisa*

      The same thing started happening to me (but with a different name) around the same time. All texts, though. I thought someone had given a fake phone number and happened on mine, but then I realized they were all scams and not actual alerts.

      Just one after another of different “The state has unclaimed money for you! *Scam link*” and “your warranty is about to expire! Click here to renew it *scam link*”.

      I’ve been marking them spam as they come in, it’s not like the numbers are real so it doesn’t actually help to block them but I think maybe it’s helping the spam protection feature get better at diverting stuff with links from unknown numbers? The frequency is going down, anyway. I’ve made a point of not replying STOP since I figure that’s just a way for them to know it’s a live number.

    11. Wired Wolf*

      I was getting a similar pile of stuff like that, it started with an apparent errant text notifying someone named Darlene that her CBD order was on the way (complete with ‘delivery tracking’ link, thanks but no) and snowballed from there. My call-blocking caught most of it, but it still doesn’t recognize some numbers.

      If your number is on the Do Not Call list then you can report any robocalls/spam; doesn’t mater how they got your number.

  16. nep*

    I wouldn’t want to live without my oils:
    argan
    arnica
    black seed
    castor
    coconut
    peppermint
    What oils do you use regularly? What do you love about them?

    1. Lena Carabina*

      Weleda almond oil. I have oily skin with really dry eyes and this is the only oil I can use that doesn’t give me spots or wreck my skin. I love it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Peppermint. Don’t come between me and my peppermint. I love the consistent results in lowering pain levels. I love how I can use it in the middle of the night and sleep with low or no pain for the rest of the night.

      You know what I loved-loved was black currant seed oil for my dry skin. omg. It came in a capsule, so I ingested as opposed to using topically. With in days, I saw a difference in my skin. It’s spendy though, so I don’t indulge too often and I try to get other less expensive things to work.

      I use an arnica cream for when I go to work, because not everyone loves peppermint. The arnica works great also.

      1. nep*

        Yessss peppermint oil to take the edge off paint in an instant. I’ve got it with me in my bag at all times, another bottle at my desk at home. So grateful for it.
        Never tried black currant seed oil…Only read a bit about it. I should give it a go.

        1. nep*

          (Also love to put peppermint oil around my nose and eyes just to let it flow…blowing the nose and wiping tears for the following few minutes.)

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Wait, what? Peppermint oil relieves pain? You had me at “sleep with low or no pain”. How does that work? I am a chronic pain endurer (I hate the word ‘sufferer’), and would need it for my neck, one knee and my hands. Does it stain? Where do you get it? So many questions.

        1. nep*

          I get mine at the health food store. Make sure it’s 100% pure peppermint oil.
          Have you tried arnica or castor oil for your pain? I’ve also had great results with those two. But depending on the type of pain, there is something magical in the way peppermint oil instantly takes the edge off. I hope you’ll have good results with one of these.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            nep, thanks! I will investigate. I took arnica homepathic tablets back in the 80s but never found them to be that useful. I like the idea of ‘magical’ – I will play with the peppermint oil and see how it works. Thanks again! :)

            1. nep*

              I find that arnica is best when there is muscle soreness from exercise or some physical work your body’s not used to–that kind of sore muscles as opposed to chronic pain.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              It’s funny that you should mention that about arnica. I tried a topical years ago and I yawned. It seemed to do nothing. I tried again within the last 10 years and threw away the Bengay. It could be I found a different brand of arnica. It could be that I wasn’t assessing the source of my pain correctly. Not sure. But the topical works fine for me now. I think that is odd….

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I don’t know how it works, but it feels cold like Bengay feels cold. I just put a few drops on my index finger and rub it on my neck or back where ever it hurts.
          Some times the pain is pretty intense, so I never feel the coolness. However the pain goes down and I can sleep. Note that it does not loosen tight muscles, it just helps the pain to dial back. I do find that if I am less upset over pain the muscles in the pain area will relax a tad.

          Go to a health food store and ask, they will help you. It’s worth buying a well-known and trusted brand. Some of the cheaper brands may be inconsistent in their quality.

          I don’t care for peppermint oil on my hand because I tend to sleep with my hand under my pillow so this puts the peppermint near my eyes. Then I get uncomfortable. For my hands, wrists, elbows I would use arnica at night. You can get arnica cream at the health food store also.

          I don’t see either one staining anything and there have been nights where I almost did my whole back with the peppermint or the arnica. So no stains on the night clothes and no stains on the sheets.

          Peppermint oil is also nice for certain types of headaches. I put it on the back of my neck, again to be away from my eyes.

          If you are interested in other natural pain stuff, I have had great luck with turmeric specifically Gaia brand. I used that when I had 7 teeth pulled over 7 appointments. I did take OTC ibuprofen on the day of the removal but after that I just went with the turmeric. The doc said it was on a par with Motrin 800s. And he said he kept a bottle in the house to use as others would use ibuprofen. So that is what I do now.
          I also have a TENS unit that works well on pain. So if you have not looked into that you might find it interesting. My husband originally had it because his PT recommended it.

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        I hadn’t heard of black current seed oil, either… I just searched and it looks like external pops up first. How do you know you have a reliable vendor?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Price kind of telegraphs what might be going on.

          But usually practicioners (Chiros and other folks) know, but so do health food store employees. Basically what to look for a company with a reputation for consistency. It’s normal for plants to have growing seasons and it’s normal for some harvest times to be better nutritionally than other harvest times. So a good company makes sure that their quality remains the same no matter what.

          I quickly checked to see if Gaia Herbs has it, but I could not find that they did. I know the docs like this Gaia brand. I see Solaray makes it. I have used their willow bark and I have been satisfied with the willow bark, but I don’t know about their over all reputation.

          I bought mine directly from a practicioner and that brand is not available OTC. ugh.

    3. nep*

      I also love oil pulling with coconut oil. If I’ve got any kind of irritation with a tooth or in the mouth, this will calm it immediately. And the mouth just feels so clean and wonderful when I do it consistently.

      1. I take tea*

        Jojoba oil for my skin. When I tried it first I thought it would feel oily, but it just moisturizes properly. I can’t stand lotion on my face any more. I have tried coconut oil as well, but I have a problem with smelling like a candy bar :-) Coconut is good for dryness in the nether regions, though.

        Rapeseed/Canola oil for cooking. It’s quite versatile and doesn’t taste of anything much. Healthier than sunflower oil, as well.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Hiya nep! I read your question as culinary oils and was going to mention toasted walnut oil (great with lemons over an arugula salad, but anyway….), but once again you have introduced a mindblowing idea to me. Peppermint oil for pain? I had no idea. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

      1. nep*

        Both culinary and body…both. I use oils all day long.
        Yes–peppermint oil is amazing. I hope it works well for you. Arnica oil is miraculous for muscle aches also. Let us know how peppermint oil works for you.

      1. nep*

        I completely forgot tea tree oil in my list. Great stuff.
        (Also a great natural ant repellent.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Tea tree oil on burns. omg.

        So I had a tray of chicken in the oven. I went to pull the tray out and lost by grip but not entirely lost my grip. I followed the tray down to the hot oven door and slammed my bare arm into the hot oven door.
        oh crud.

        I got out my tea tree oil. I had never tried it on burns before. It stung, fortunately I had ice handy and I grabbed that ice. The stinging stopped in a few minutes, but I had to keep the ice on it. Later I realized that the stinging seemed necessary for the healing that followed.

        The burn was probably around 2 inches in diameter. It never blistered up, it never oozed and I never got a scar. After the initial treatment I treated the burn by wiping it with tea tree and icing it each day. Oddly it did not sting these times.
        I had to see a doc about something else, so I asked him to assess my burn and how it was healing up. He kept saying, “OMG, that is clean. Holy crap that is CLEAN.” He said to just stay the course.
        No scar ever formed. And I had read this over and over, people are less apt to get scars with tea tree.

        Yep. I am now a believer.

        2. blue wall*

          Tea tree essential oil? Did you put it directly on to the burn?
          I burnt my arm on the oven maybe 7 weeks ago now and the would is still healing.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, I used a little gauze pad to dab it on very gently. If I am feeling cautious I’d put the tea tree on a gauze pad then put the pad on the wound.

            I used just a little at first so I could see how things went. And I had that ice pack beside me. It did sting, so I grabbed the ice. I had something between the ice and the pad so the wound did not get wet.
            Later I did feel a drawing sensation, but I could not see anything. Oddly, I was not upset by the feeling, rather I felt relief, like knowing that it would heal in a bit.

            There are also books about using tea tree as first aid, if you’d like to see more.

          2. Batgirl*

            Although tea tree is an oil you can use undiluted, and I do; be wary if its your first time using it. While peppermint is mother’s milk to me it’s a horrible allergen to my friend which lands her in the hospital. Even in toothpaste format. Start slow with diluted amounts in base oils as patch tests.

        3. Batgirl*

          I’ve always used lavender over tea tree, though tea tree will do. I would use it after a dousing of cold water or ice on the skin.
          It was my mother’s method and we kept lavender and tea tree in the kitchen, so I didn’t know what it was like to *not* do that on burns.
          One time I burned both arms with a wide oven tray and decided to just try it on my left, using only water on the right. Wow the right burn itched and stung for ages.
          I’m more likely to go for an aloe leaf now though. They’re great frozen.

      3. Batgirl*

        I like to mix it with peppermint. Mustard powder on its own makes a good reviving footbath too.

    6. Batgirl*

      Coconut oil mixed with dead sea salt in the shower has pretty much eliminated my really painful psoriasis.
      I use argan oil on my hair after being amazed at what it did for my coarseness and frizz on a trip to the hammam in Morocco.
      I’ve always used sweet almond oil on my skin, my mother’s trick.
      I also never go anywhere without my trinity; peppermint, lavender and tea tree. Mix lavender and tea tree together for temple headaches, use peppermint for digestion soreness, tea tree on a cold sore or to inhale for the sniffles.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Can you elaborate on this psoriasis eliminating option? I have a patch on my leg that is really noticeable and the medicated creams don’t do much about it, but it’s a small enough patch and mild enough that my doc and I don’t want to get into the heavier-duty systemic treatments, so I’ve mostly been “treating” it with glares and extra-moisturizing lotion.

        1. Batgirl*

          I literally just mix plain dead sea salt (westlab) with some melted (grocery store) coconut oil and use it as a scrub. To whatver consistency you like. Some people dry scrub with just the salt (I assume you’ve heard about the psoriasis benefits of visiting the dead sea). Mine was super painful raw psoriasis so I went for the oiled option (Which was still painful but isn’t now it’s just the occasional patch. The salt feels like beneficial scritchy scratching!). This is daily in the shower and I could rave about my skin now. I mostly don’t need top up moisturiser but when I do, I rub on some coconut oil or pure aloe vera gel. The prescription creams were so useless. They usually had an irritant in the inci list – I can’t use SLS even when its a rinsible soap and it was in most creams. Why?!
          My psoriasis was super bad so I also did an exclusion diet and discovered gluten kicks it off . Some people find it’s nightshades.

  17. Coconut oil*

    For some unknown reason, I ordered 2 containers of coconut oil in my grocery shopping, which is something I was just kind of going to try. But now, I really want to use it up. It doesn’t seem that I could just use it in place of olive oil. Any tips on how or where to use it or any good recipes that use coconut oil?

    1. nep*

      I have one jar in the bathroom and another in the kitchen. It’s divine for the skin. In the kitchen, I use it when I roast potato wedges. I also mix some into store-bought lentil soup, along with pepper and turmeric. Coconut oil gives a nice flavor when used in place of other oils for cooking (if you like the flavor, anyway).

      1. Lena Carabina*

        And because it goes hard when it’s at room temp or cold, or liquid when it’s warm it’ll make a difference to the recipe you use it in, which is why you can’t substitute the usual oils for it which are liquid at room temp and heated.

        1. nep*

          Yes, it’s cool how the jar of coconut oil changes with the weather–clear liquid to white solid depending on temps.

    3. Catherine*

      It makes an excellent hair mask!

      I also like to melt a chunk in a bowl and add sugar to make a really nice sugar scrub for lips, knees, elbows, etc.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If the jar is crazy big even with all these ideas, and you’re flush just not wanting to be wasteful, consider a food bank. Cooking oils and non-European ingredients can both be rare.

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      Use it for some curries. Stella Parks has some great brand-recreation recipes that use coconut oil, like her Hostess cupcakes recipe, which is really good.

    7. Sunflower*

      I like to make Cauliflower Fried rice with lots of veggies and cococnut oil. Gives it a good flavor.

    8. HBJ*

      I use it interchangeably with olive oil, with the exception of not using it for savory foods. This depends on the type you got. If yours is fairly refined, it won’t taste coconuty, but if it’s less refined, it will. I use it in baked goods all the time, and it can add a nice very subtle additional flavor to breads and pancakes and such.

    10. Jackalope*

      I use it for quick-rise breads: apple bread, pumpkin bread, cranberry bread, etc. in place of the regular vegetable oil they tend to recommend. It gives it a coconut flavor and a slightly different texture that I like.

      1. San Juan Worm*

        I use coconut oil in homemade granola:
        Heat 1/3 c maple syrup, 1/3 c brown or coconut sugar; 4 tsp almond extract;
        ½ c coconut oil. Pour over 5c rolled oats, 1c sliced almonds and 1c sunflower seeds. Use a spatula to press onto cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake at 325 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes. Once cool, break up and add freeze-dried blueberries and chopped crystallized ginger. Serve with yogurt. (One batch gets me at least enough for 45 weekday breakfasts.)

    12. RagingADHD*

      Great for frying, or for brushing on things to oven-bake. You get a really crispy finish.

      Ive also used in baking to replace butter or shortening in pastry, greasing tins, etc. You have to work with it quickly because of the low melting point, but it’s tasty.

    13. Fellow Traveler*

      I use coconut oil as the oil for granola bars (Smitten Kitchen recipe) or for granola (Cookie and Kate recipe. I also use it for cooking in Indian food instead of ghee sometimes.

    16. Stephanie*

      Good for popcorn or as a hair deep conditioner (my hair gets dry and always needs moisture). Can also be good for vegan baking.

    17. Parenthetically*

      I use coconut oil for cooking almost everywhere I don’t want the flavor of olive oil!

    18. Duvie*

      I never cook with it (husband hates the flavour) but it’s great for dry skin and for removing makeup.

  18. Recent Grad*

    Coconut oil is very greasy and has a very distinct flavor so be careful cooking with it. I can always taste when coconut oil has been used which can honestly be pretty gross (I love coconut but not with all foods/flavors). If you are also able to strongly taste it be careful, there are some recipes out there that will just end up being an inedible waste of ingredients.

  19. Millicent*

    I bought a Subaru Impreza yesterday. I am having buyer’s remorse! Are there any Subaru owners out there who can encourage me? How are the maintenance costs, longevity, reliability? I did research and test drive a few different car makes, but the dealership didn’t have the color I wanted and that may be partially coloring (haha) my experience now.

    1. nep*

      Why do you have buyer’s remorse? I don’t own a Subaru, but I’ve never heard a Subaru owner say anything bad about them–only good. Reliable and durable as all get out, if maintained well. They are always highly recommended from what I hear.

      1. Millicent*

        I’m just not loving it. It’s kind of a boring looking car, I can’t get the seats adjusted right, and cars have come a long way since my last new car a decade ago! The operating manuals alone are three inches thick, and the dashboard displays are overwhelming.

        So I think it’s a combination of just change, which is hard, and not being able to get the color I wanted. And the money.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Aww, I hope you can take each thing and just go one step at a time to sort it all. Perhaps someone would help you orient to the car?

          I am not laughing here, I’m serious. My friend bought a high tech car and the dealership would not let her drive it until she had training from them. This is where cars are going, we need training to drive a vehicle. BTW, my friend is a techie. She is absolutely no stranger to technology at all, so this must have been SOP for the dealership.

          I got a new-to-me vehicle a while ago. Another friend became concerned when I did not just run and jump right into it and drive it all over. (I don’t like to waste gas.) He said, “Com’ on, we are going to take the dog for a ride.” And out we went. Years later, the same friend could not find the emergency flashers on it and could not figure out what the O/D light was and how to make it “go away”.

          It looks to me like this is where we are going with cars. We’ll need a doctorate in technology to drive one.

          I hope I can add my voice of encouragement that you probably have a good and safe car. Perhaps you can find YouTube videos that answer some of your concerns. Friends of mine that absolutely HAVE to get to work/meetings/etc have Subarus. I’d have one if there was a dealership near by to repair it. The car place I have used for decades does not work on Subs and I am not wanting to go elsewhere.

          I remember learning to use a computer decades ago. The teacher said to read the screen. But do it in an organized manner. start at the very top and go down, similar to reading a book or a newspaper.
          Perhaps you can just sit with the engine running and “read” your dashboard in an organized manner to see what everything is.

        2. Ranon*

          Subaru’s electronic dashboards are terrible, and I say this as someone who quite likes driving them. We got the lower trim with the plain knobs when we bought ours because the higher end one in the model year we bought was dreadful.

        3. Ellie Mayhem*

          I drove a Subaru Outback for a few days and really liked it; it was too small for my needs but they are great vehicles. That being said, don’t keep it if you don’t love it. Most dealerships give you a three-day window to return a purchase. Cars are too expensive to have to settle if you don’t need to, in my opinion.

          1. Isabel Archer*

            Just wanted to note for the OP that installment contracts are governed by the laws of the state in which you bought the vehicle. Any sort of return policy (such as the “three-day window” mentioned above, or what is sometimes called a “cooling off period”) comes from those laws, and is not up to the dealership. Whether your state allows returns should be printed somewhere on the contract. I live in NJ, and have worked for both a dealership and an auto lender, and our installment contracts clearly state that there is no cooling off period. Once you sign, you can’t back out. So check your contract to see if it’s even possible for you to return the car. All of that being said, the dealer *may* have some discretion to cancel the contract, as long as you switch to a different car, but that’s very different from being legally obligated to allow *you* to cancel the contract. Good luck!

            1. Ellie Mayhem*

              I had no idea it wasn’t at the dealer’s discretion. Thank you for the information!

              1. Isabel Archer*

                My pleasure! Lots of people believe this, so considered it a public service announcement. :-) And I didn’t want the OP to go back to the Subaru dealer thinking this was true without checking his/her contract first.

        4. nep*

          I hear you. Makes sense. Hope you’ll come to love it and be happy with your purchase. May you get a lot of good years out of it.

    2. Come On Eileen*

      I bought a Crosstrek a year ago (my first Subaru) and I loooove it. It’s a beautiful orange color and I just love the way it drives. I had never even thought about a Subaru before buying this car but now I’m so glad I got it. They have a ton of safety features, all wheel drive, hold their value and are fun to drive. So I think you made a great decision :)

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I’m going to switch to the Crosstrek when I have to retire my Outback. I borrowed one from my dealer last year and loved it.

      3. nep*

        I LOVE the look of the Crosstrek. Just love it. I stare whenever I see one. The orange Crosstrek is great. That is one car that looks great in that color.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m on my second Outback in 20 years, and my next car will be a Subaru too. The last couple of times I’ve had to use a dealer car it’s definitely been an adjustment. Things are so different in the new cars, and I didn’t feel entirely comfortable. It takes a while to get used to all the new bells and whistles. For the seat adjustment, it is tricky to get right, especially since you can adjust multiple ways – back/forward, up/down and tilt. I hope that a little more time getting used to your new car does the trick.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I’m a bit prejudiced, as I’m on my second Subaru now, but I like ’em. My first was a 2000 Impreza Outback Sport, the one with the rather racy side-panels; I loved the look, and found that the size, handling, and overall feel was perfect for me. Pretty much drove that car into the ground! Got a new Impreza in 2017, and wound up with technology shock: it took me a while to get used to the dashboard displays and all the other changes. But now I adore the backup camera (though I always look for myself as well), the wireless sound capabilities (audiobooks!), and other features. The car’s pretty high on the safety scale for vehicles of its size, and I’ve been happy with Subaru service and reliability over the years. (Got something like 170,000 miles on my old one before the side panels rusted out!)

      That said, I agree that the newer model is more boring to look at than the old Outback Sport, and I noticed that there’s less ground clearance, which is a bit of a headache on rough roads – not that I do a lot of unpaved-road driving these days, but it was nice to have the option to drive over snowplow ridges!

      I don’t know if that helps you, but I would suggest giving it a little time; once you’re used to the new features you may be more comfortable with the car.

    5. Lindsay*

      I loooove my Subaru. It’s a super reliable car – I have a Legacy and then I used to have another Legacy and then before that I drove a Legacy station wagon. I love how it can drive through almost anything and be fine. I live in Maine and drive to work early in the morning in icy conditions and I always pass people who are stuck/slid off the road and I’m still chugging along.

      1. Millicent*

        Haha, I actually moved to Maine three years ago! Maybe that’s part of my anxiety – now that I’ve bought a Subaru, I’m officially a Mainer, but I’m not sure I’m ready to be one.

        1. Lindsay*

          I’m not really a Mainer either – I lived in Connecticut my whole life up until two years ago! But I had the Subaru in Connecticut for years first.

    6. SpellingBee*

      We’re on our third Subaru in just over 21 years and we love them. First was a Legacy station wagon, then 2 Foresters in a row. Reliability has been great and I adore the Eyesight feature on our latest one (a 2016). It provides emergency braking and also adaptive cruise control, which if you do any highway driving is the best thing ever. I like the slightly larger cargo capacity of the Forester for carrying plants and gardening supplies, but we looked at the Impreza and the Crosstrek as well and considered them seriously when we bought our current Forester. Adjusting to a new car can be tough but I think you’ll really like it once you do.

      1. Belle*

        We also have a Forester and LOVE it. Have had no issues with it and it does amazing in the winter time. We also like how easy it was to install a baby car seat in the back. Bought ours in 2014 and still in great shape.

        1. Fish Microwaver*

          I have recently bought a Forester, having never owned a Subaru. It’s a great car, has good fuel economy, drives well, feels safe and has plenty of room. It’s true the owner manual is hefty and it takes a while to get used to the car, and for it to get used to you but I really enjoy it.

    7. Generic Name*

      I adore my crosstrek. I have one minor complaint about it, and it’s that it’s a bit underpowered. But that said, it doesn’t really bother me; I’m not a lead foot and I’m not willing to sacrifice gas mileage to be able to merge more quickly. I feel like I can go anywhere in that thing. It was important to me as a single woman (at the time) to not worry about getting stranded, and it always got me through. I’ve only had it for 3 years give or take, but I’ve only had oil changes and it’s never broken down or had repairs. (Unlike my ex husbands Pontiac G whatever that had the alternator replaced 3 times)

    8. LibbyG*

      I had a 2003 Impreza sedan that I LOVED. Good, solid car. Drove it for many years.

      I hear you about all of the new controls. We got a 2020 car that I don’t drive regularly, so I’m always perpetually annoyed that I don’t like all the various settings and don’t know how to quickly change them to my preferences. Maybe you need to set aside an hour or so to sit there with the owners manual and learn your car.

    9. Nicole76*

      I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling remorse. It took me 2-3 years of looking at vehicles (on and off) before replacing my VW Jetta with a Subaru Crosstrek, but I’m really happy with my decision.

      When I bought my Jetta, I wasn’t able to get the color I wanted (silver) without being willing to order a car and wait three months. It was May at the time and the A/C in my older vehicle was broken, so I settled for what was called Atlantic Blue instead. Luckily I grew to love the color, but decided I would not settle on my next car.

      Unfortunately for me, when I stumbled upon Subaru in early 2017, I wanted the Quartz Blue Pearl Crosstrek with black cloth, a combo that was only available with a manual transmission in the 2017 models that were still being sold at the time. There was no way I wanted an ivory interior, and I wasn’t sold on any of the other exterior colors, so I decided to put my search on hold. I’m glad I did because when the 2018 models came out later that year, not only were the body styles upgraded, and thus looked even better than the 2017 models, but the Quartz Blue Pearl was available with a grey cloth interior which was much more appealing to me (and would keep the interior cooler than black anyway). My Jetta had a black interior, and while I really like how black interiors look, it got awfully hot inside that car. Anyway, that’s all to say I completely understand the feeling of not getting the color you want, particularly if you’re like me and hold onto cars for 15-20 years. You definitely should get what you want, even if that doesn’t end up being a Subaru in the end.

      That being said, Subarus are great cars, and way more affordable than I thought before getting mine, so perhaps you would be much happier returning the vehicle and ordering one in the color you really wanted, even if that means waiting a few months to get it. That’s assuming you’ll be able to adjust to whatever other things about the vehicle you’re just not feeling at the moment. It took my quite awhile to get used to the way the Crosstrek drives, and I suspect that might be the same for the Impreza as well, due to the CVT (continuously variable transmission).

      Now that I think about it, maybe you would like a Crosstrek better based on your reply to nep. It’s the same frame as the Impreza, but it sits up a little higher and has a more attractive exterior, thus it’s a little less boring looking than the Impreza.

    10. Bluebell*

      We’ve had two Legacies- bought them both used, and kept them until over 100k miles. Now we have an Impreza. It’s been fairly trouble free, and we bought it new and splurged to get a moon roof. In a perfect world we’d want a little higher clearance, but overall we are quite happy with it. We ended up with our second choice color (white) because the indigo was a 4-6 week wait.

    11. Deanna Troi*

      They are amazing in the snow!! I am on my third one – they are the only cars I’ve purchased in my adult life. When I first started dating my husband, the snow plow had plowed a big ridge in front of my driveway. He was going to shovel it out, but I just drove through it like it wasn’t even there. He was shocked. He had a Jeep and they are 100 times better both in the snow and off-road than the Jeep was. Any time anyone tells that a Jeep is the best off road, I always tell them they’ve obviously never driven a Subaru.

    12. valentine*

      Call your sales rep (or someone you like there) and see if they can have someone work with you to get comfy with the tech.

      And ask what it would take to get the color you want. Do they have it anywhere in the country?

      What’s their return policy?

    13. Lonely Aussie*

      I’m a Subaru outback owner, absolutely love mine. It’s fun, responsive and an awesome car to drive. I need all wheel drive too. Sometimes they can be more expensive to repair (my 2002 outback has very little room under the hood, so tricky to get at parts) don’t skimp on the servicing, do it as often as Subaru recommends and find a mechanic who specialises in them, even if it’s not through the dealer. It might just be my small city in rural Australia but I did go through two mechanics before my current one because they weren’t used to working on them. Your miles may vary.
      They’ll look after you if you look after them and they seem to go forever.

    14. NACSACJACK*

      I have a Subaru Baja and have been looking at the Impreza and Crosstrek as a replacement. I cannot kill this car and I have tried. I am up to 205K miles. Basically the only reason I am looking is due to rust on the frame.

      That said, if you cant get the seat adjusted to the right position, it may not be the car for you. :(

  20. Anon for this*

    (Slight body TMI coming up.) I could use some advice for really oily facial skin, especially since I am clueless about skin care and am having a hard time making moisturizers work. I basically want to be able to put in minimal effort.

    I’m a cis woman in my thirties. I have PCOS, and used to have bad facial acne all the time, but that has finally faded in recent years, and my skin looks much better, thank heavens. However, it still pretty much drips oil, and I’m fed up with this. (I’ve never worn makeup, and – if it matters – I don’t know how to describe skin tone but I’m somewhere between my parents. One is super-white and the other’s a more olive-y mix of European and Middle Eastern.)

    I used to wash my face twice a day, but a dermatologist told me I was probably over-washing it and causing massive overproduction of oil, so I cut back to a couple of times a week. Unfortunately, that made me feel gross all the time and there was soon a huge buildup of dead skin everywhere. I’ve since compromised and now wash my face about twice every three days. There is still so much oil that my face itches in the middle of the night, every night, especially around my nose, and now every single one of my pillowcases gets badly stained within 6-8 months (in the spots where I put the sides of my face, not where I put my hair), which I’m finding a bit humiliating.

    I did recently buy a moisturizer that’s supposed to help with really oily skin, but unfortunately I also have a small number of weird and specific sensory sensitivity issues. One is that the feeling of gooey things like creams and ointments against my skin basically makes me want to throw up. This has been true as long as I can remember; I switched to spray-on/stick sunscreen as soon as I was old enough to make my own choices about that, and the memory of normal sunscreen still makes me shudder. (I can definitely deal with toners that are mostly water/alcohol and dry quickly, but the ones I’ve tried don’t seem to be helping.)

    Would appreciate some advice from people who know much more about this sort of thing than I do. Thanks!

    1. Lena Carabina*

      Fellow oily-skinned person here!
      Im 46 and it’s taken me years of trial and error to finally get what works for me.

      I wash every day using a mild face wash; full disclosure I’m vegan but I do use Holland and Barrett Manuka Honey wash and scrub because it’s the only thing that seems to help my skin.
      I don’t use anything designed for any particular skin type, especially oily skin, because I find it strips my skin out and makes it feel terrible.

      I use aloe vera gel someone’s with a drop of tea tree oil or sometimes without as a moisturiser in the day (and I stay out of the sun because tea tree oil can be like a bleach on the skin) and at night I use Weleda almond oil. Anything else is far far too greasy and gives me worse acne.

      When I have a bout of spots, salicylic acid products usually do the trick to clear it up pretty quickly.

    2. Lena Carabina*

      Oh and I know you’re asking about skin care products from the inside, but what I’ve found has helped me is looking at what I put into my body too, so lots of veg, a variety of grains, plenty of water, easy on the processed sugar, low salt, exercise, regular sleep, etc etc. That’s all helped my skin.

      2. Trixie*

        I was thinking about diet too. Certain dietary habits may help or worsen the situation. (Or it could be just genetics.) When I eat more greens and veggies plus Omega 3/6 foods, my skin looks and feels so much better. Otherwise, larger pores (can’t really change those) that secrete more oil. (Make up doesn’t help but can make it worse.)

        1. Lena Carabina*

          Yes to the Omega 3 & 6 . I take an algae-derived supplement of DHA/EPA (where the fish get their omega 3 from) and have noticed an improvement in my skin from it.

    3. CJM*

      I have semi-oily skin and don’t wear makeup either (never have — nor moisturizer). I’m a hippie when it comes to girly stuff: I do my own thing and aim for minimal effort. Especially now that I’m mostly home during the pandemic and not showering as often as I used to, I wash my face whenever it feels gross. That’s usually at bedtime and first thing in the morning, but I’ll also give it a light, quick wash midday if it’s bothering me.

      I hope it’s okay to chime in even though my skin isn’t super oily. But it sounds like you’ve traded one problem for another: over-washing or feeling gross. Washing once or twice a day with a gentle soap and water — and a washcloth to give a light but not vigorous scrub — sounds fine to me as a middle ground. It definitely works for me.

    4. Whiskey on the rocks*

      There are some very skilled aestheticians who can give you tailored advice, although I’d see if you can get recommendations locally as there are definitely those who just push products. For myself, I wash my face daily, but find a cleanser that doesn’t strip your skin. I use Neutrogena naturals with tara seed that I find comfortable. A light moisturizer will help keep your skin from overcompensating with oil production. I like derma-e. I exfoliate twice a week; if you do that choose something gentle and not too scrubby. You may also be interested in oil cleansing. It sounds counter intuitive but you use oil to remove oil. I did it for awhile and liked it a lot. The Crunchy Betty website has detailed info and oil suggestions.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Being literally uncomfortable in your skin is the worst.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I had very good lucky with Paula’s Choice products, and the advice on the website. I found their liquid exfoliants to be really helpful with clogged pores/dead skin buildup; they are thin liquids, not creamy. I found the moisturizer to be light as well, but it may be too heavy for your sensitivity. There is a whole line on paulaschoice dot com for oil control. I think they have starter kits and travel sizes so you aren’t committed to a big bottle, and their return policy is pretty good too.

      1. Anon for this*

        Paula’s Choice is excellent and customer service will absolutely help with creating you a routine. Plus you can return anything, used, that didn’t work for you.

    6. WellRed*

      I think you should wash everyday. I used to in the am and at bedtime, now just at bedtime. If nothing else, you want to wash away the day’s detritus. Also, seconding recommendations to use a light moisturizer. I love Neutrogena’s hydrogel lotion. It’s light and refreshing, but there are plenty of similar products.

      1. Syls*

        +1000 for the Neutrogena Hydro stuff!!! I just got the Hydro Boost and I love it so much! The skin on my face feels super soft and so far my random acne hasn’t been effected negatively at all.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Rinse your face without soap as often as you like. Use a soft facecloth, not anything too rough. This won’t be as drying as soap, but will help with dead skin and oil buildup. You can also blot the oil with tissue between washings.
      If following that doctor’s advice isn’t helping, maybe it was the wrong advice.

      1. CJM*

        “If following that doctor’s advice isn’t helping, maybe it was the wrong advice.”

        Love that! And I agree.

      2. Ethyl*

        “Use a soft facecloth, not anything too rough.”

        OP could also try out the “makeup eraser” cloth. No soap needed, does a gentle exfoliation and gets the ick off. It feels kinda funny to me but it works great and doesn’t dry out my skin. I only have a tiny one I got in my Play box (rip play), but a full size one would be much more convenient!

      3. Overeducated*

        This is what i do. I learned in my 20s that my skin liked water better than the various products I was using to try to balance it out. I don’t moisturize, just use a very light sunscreen when I remember. But I am also in my 30s and cannot guarantee that this approach will result in skin aging well.

      4. XYZ*

        This is going to sound weird, but for face blotting I’ve used the blue shop towels (sold like a roll of paper towels but thicker and more absorbent) found in auto shops and part stores. Way cheaper than the tiny cosmetic ones and worked better on my PMS induced oil factory face, too.

      5. Parenthetically*

        Was just going to say this. I find if I wash with a deep-cleansing charcoal soap at night, then just do water and a gentle scrub with a soft cloth in the morning, I have better luck.

    8. Qwerty*

      I’ve had decent luck with diluted apple cider vinegar as a face toner. I’m oily in the summer and dry in the winter, so it seems to be a helpful balancing act on both sides. I use it after I wash my face at night before going to bed.

    9. Aealias*

      I also have oily skin that gets angry about being washed. I’ve had success with a straight water or gentle cleanser wash every time I wash my hair (every 3 days or so), and I follow up with a gel moisturizer (Nivea and Garnier both make great light gel moisturizers) every time I wash my face. The moisturizer seems to keep my skin from freaking out and overproducing, but the gel doesn’t feel as heavy and yucky as a typical cream.
      I do occasionally do a washcloth and water “wash” when my face just feels gross, but it’s really key to follow up with the moisturizer immediately, so my skin doesn’t feel dry and have a freak out.

    10. Melody Pond*

      Another oily-skinned person here. Search for videos/instructions on “oil cleansing” – it made a huge difference for me. Instead of trying to continuously remove the excess oil, use a “healthy” oil for your skin to dissolve and remove some of the excess oil your own body is producing.

      I use jojoba oil (which I guess is technically a wax, not an oil?) to wash my face, and OMG my skin got so much happier after a couple weeks of doing this (especially when used after the occasional sugar scrub). I still tend towards oily skin, but it’s way less excessive.

      1. Sunset Maple*

        I second oil cleansing. I am an extreme combo skin person–cheeks so dry they flake and get ruddy, T-zone so oily it drips. I have delved into Korean skin care and absolutely love oil cleansing, particularly the Hada Labo Gokujyun Cleansing Oil. I use it as the first step in a double cleansing routine when I’m extra cruddy (or wearing strong SPF) but it also melts away easily in the shower and can be used alone.

    11. ...*

      Get a new dermatologist! Its completely normal to wash your face daily. You don’t want to wash 5x a day, but most people wash morning and night. Just wash 1 once a day. It sounds like a really problem, so I would go to a new derm.

    12. Batgirl*

      What?! There’s nothing wrong with washing your face daily. Yes, you can overstrip your face, encouraging oil production, but that’s usually down to using something that’s as super foamy as dishsoap or bathroom cleaner. Switch it to a nice low foam gel or moisturizing balm (body shop chamomile is good) and swipe it all off with a nice hot flannel (This is washcloth in American I think?). Toner water sprays will add some moisture, as will light facial oils like almond. Putting oil on your skin and not cleaning it till it squeaks will calm down the over production.
      Check out Caroline Hirons blog. This is a common issue for her clients.

    13. Johanna*

      I really like DHC deep cleansing oil. Surprisingly the oil makes my skin less oily and there’s no greasy feeling after washing. If I use products that are harsh I just get skin that’s oily and dry at the same time.

    14. Baked beans for breakfast*

      I have very oily skin too. I double cleanse every evening–my daily sunblock contains zinc and I find it builds up if I don’t wash. I also have acne, so use things that treat it, which might not be necessary for you. I think, however, washing every day is not a bad idea. I use a washcloth once a week to do a light exfoliation. And I still use a moisturizer–just the target daily stuff with no SPF for sensitive skin.

      Does your derm know your face is itching? I’m wondering if you have a fungal infection.

    15. Gamer Girl*

      Go to a different dermatologist! I finally got advice that worked for me from a dermatologist who suggested to only wash my face but not moisturize. Most other ones had suggested various types of moisturizer, but this one said, “If moisturizer doesn’t work for you, just stop using it for two months and see what happens. You probably just don’t need it! No product is one-size fits all.”

      There was an “extinction burst” of oil production for about 2-3 weeks, where it got worse and I almost gave up. But then, the oil production settled down, and my face has been far less oily ever since.

      If your skin is anything like mine, you produce so much oil naturally that moisturizing is completely unnecessary and is triggering problems.

      Be careful following advice about using oil on your face. A pharmacist recommended it to me last year–big mistake! (I only need moisturizer when I’m pregnant during the winter). If you have larger pores, you will get blocked pores if you use oil. It’s basically a recipe for disaster. I’m still trying to get rid of all the new blackheads that it caused me. Proceed with caution if you decide to try that out!

    16. Juneybug*

      OMG, if I didn’t wash my face twice a day, my skin would be a greasy mess!!
      Here is what I do for my oily skin (I am 55 cis female with fair skin and have had oily skin my whole life) –
      AM – Wash with Neutrogena Oil-Free Facial Cleanser using a light touch with a washcloth (About $7.00 on Amazon or Walmart). I let it sit on my skin for a few minutes while I brush my teeth before I rinse my face.
      Apply Mario Badescu Oil Free Moisturizer ($18.00 on Amazon and lasts me 3 – 4 months).
      For me, I use Loreal or Goldfaden MD Bright Eye eye cream. But when I was younger (and oilier), I didn’t bother.
      Apply Bare Minerals bare skin foundation (which seems to keep the oil down) ($30 on Amazon or BareMinerals and lasts 6 – 8 months).
      During the day, I lightly blot with paper. Or apply face powder with a brush (any brand will do). I rarely use pressed powder as it seems to sit heavy on my face.
      PM – Wash with Neutrogena Oil-Free Facial Cleanser using a light touch with a washcloth.
      Two to three times a week, I use a facial scrub (light touch). Any oil-free brand will do.
      Apply eye cream.
      I don’t apply face lotion or cream at night. At first my skin felt either dry/tight or oily but now it’s normal (took about two weeks to stabilize).
      Weekly – I use a clay mask to help clean out pores and reduce oil. I use Queen Helene Mint Julep clay mask ($7.00 on Amazon).
      Last thing – I wash my pillow case every few days. That also seems to help.
      I have had drs tell me not to wash my face in the morning, use cream cleaners, not wear makeup, so on… but honestly, my skin works best when I don’t listen to them and figured it out on my own.
      Hope this helps!

  21. anon4this1*

    How do you protect yourself from someone jn your personal life trying to get information about you?

    There’s a guy who I met through a friend that I seems to be low key keeping tabs on me. He said some sketchy things so I ended up blocking his email and his phone number. But then his wife texted me multiple times because he was worried about me. Now I found out yesterday from our mutual friend that he’s been asking here where I’m in the state I’m moving to (I’m moving in two weekz) and contacting colleges in the state asking if i attend there!

    I’m a lot younger than him. I’m 26 and he’s 38 and his wife is 40. I already changed my number again and didn’t give it to any mutual friends we have so that he can’t try to get them to give it to him. I blocked his email address but don’t feel up to changing my email address. I dont have any social media besides snapchat so I blocked him and our mutual friend on there and I may delete the whole account since I don’t know if its worth beung on the grid at all.

    I was going to contact my new college and apartment building to ask about security there, is that a good idea? Am I overreacting? I just feel really concerned about him and his wife asking about me so much. We were only casual friends for two months

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’d be a bit creeped out too. It can’t hurt to ask the new apartment about building security. They should have some policy in place for keeping out unwanted visitors, and if they don’t have one, your question might encourage them to start one.

    3. Lena Carabina*

      Nah you’ve got to do what you want to feel safe, and your instincts are telling you to steer clear of him. That isn’t overreacting at all.
      It’s up to you if you want to delete your Snapchat. I personally am not on anything because I hate social media, and I have an extremely unique name so I’m easily identifiable (to the extent that when I’m dating I use a different name online, for example).

      Tell your friend bit to give absolutely no info out about you.

      Keep a record of everything that’s going on, and if he tries to contact you directly, go to the police with that info for further advice.

    4. Washi*

      Just to clarify, at any point did you tell this guy that he is making you uncomfortable and not to contact you? And did you tell mutual friends not to give out your contact information or info to this guy?

      1. Washi*

        (This guy definitely sounds weird, just asking because I think The Gift of Fear recommends very clearly informing the person ONE time not to contact you.)

        1. Juneybug*

          The book Gift of Fear is one of the best books I have ever read! It really does empower you to listen to your alarm system instead of doubting your concerns.

      2. Venus*

        I agree with this comment. The guy is definitely creepy, but have you ever pushed back, preferably via your friend (so you can avoid him)?

        “Now I found out yesterday from our mutual friend that he’s been asking her where I’m in the state I’m moving to”
        The friend should have immediately responded to him that this is not an appropriate question to be asking of someone they only briefly met, and that they don’t want to provide more info or the creep should stop asking and leave you alone.

        I think it should be obvious to the creeper that he should stop, but he may have started a fucked-up feedback loop of “this person seems to be in distress, I should help them” without realizing that he’s the source of the distress. Be clear with him.

      3. anon4this1*

        Yes multiple times. Then his wife started texting me. One of our other friends asked him to leave me alone also.

        1. Morticia*

          I would call her out on this. That’s a very strange thing for her to do. It’s not normal to be your husband’s flying monkey when he’s stalking a much younger woman. Are you even sure it actually is his wife, and not him under an assumed phone number?

      4. anon4this1*

        Also i didnt answer your second question but our mutual friends aren’t giving out information about me except one girl who I think likes him more than me which is why i changed my number again last night and didn’t give it to any of our mutual friends. This is a friend group who im not super close to making it so i have less control over their actions if that makes sense.

        1. Generic Name*

          Well, you don’t have any control over others actions. This friend group who is siding with him over you and feeding him information about your life is putting you in danger and you need to cut off all contact with them and block them as well.

          1. anon4this1*

            Thank you, yes I did. None of them have my new number and all are blocked on snapchat. I dont have all of their emails but if i start getting email, I’ll block them too. I dont think the group will bug me though since they seemed low key baffled by the guys behavior w the exception of one girl.

    5. Millicent*

      You’re not overreacting. As a complete stranger to this situation, I was really alarmed at reading “he’s been…contacting colleges in the state asking if i attend there!” That is totally bizarre. Let me say it again: THAT IS BIZARRE and creepy. It is not within the range of normal “concerned about my friend” behavior, and that’s even if the friend had known you for years. This guy barely knows you.

      I wish I had suggestions for what to do. I don’t know if going to the police station in the town you live in now or the town you’re moving to is a possibility – if it is, you could broach it more as if you’re asking them for advice. There isn’t anything they can act on right now, but asking them for advice may be useful for you and it will also serve as them getting a record of it in case something does happen in the future.

      I do agree you should contact your college and apartment security. This is not an overreaction at all. You are right to be concerned.

      1. WellRed*

        Right? This is straight up stalking at this point. OP, if this is a friend group you aren’t super close to, might be time to cut ties with the rest of them too?

      2. Kathenus*

        I agree with talking to the police, either go to the station or call the non-emergency number and ask how you can talk to someone about the situation. They may have more advice, and at the least it’ll be a record so written trail of your concerns with this couple, which may be helpful in the future if it continues or escalates. Completely creepy and inappropriate, definitely continue to take your concerns seriously.

      3. MissGirl*

        This is such a horrible escalation it’s definitely beyond creepy. Is having a lawyer draw up cease and desist worthwhile or will that make things worse?

        1. anon4this1*

          I dont think that will help at this point. I could be wrong but im hoping since him and none of the group will have new information or contact w me from today on, then hopefully he will lose interest. I am moving 3 days away driving time in less than 2 weeks. So hopefully he will be busy with his life here and will leave me alone.

          1. ..Kat..*

            When I had a stalker, I rented a box at one of those mail box places, and used that as my address for all my mail. Then I moved, and only forwarded mail to the mail box place. I think that threw him off the scent.

            Also, if I had this as a current problem, I would get a couple of google phone numbers. One for good friends, one for work, one for close family, and one for when I have to give a number (such as to a repair person). Then link them to my phone. Then I could unlink as necessary.

            My stalker was able to get my new addresses from my university. I had already graduated, and the university (like many) paid some service to always get my new address (as if I were a happy alumnus who would donate to my alma mater who was keeping my stalker updated on my address!).

            Make sure you tell all family and friends not to give out your phone number or address to anyone.

            Good luck.

    6. CJM*

      Whoa. That would creep me out too. I’d trust my gut and not worry about overreacting. Carolyn Hax often recommends a book called The Gift of Fear. I haven’t read it, but I think the general message is to pay attention when someone creeps you out like this.

      I don’t have direct experience with this situation or much advice, but I’d consider contacting the police or a lawyer for an official warning to stop bothering you. Maybe a single direct message to him and his wife of “leave me alone and stop asking around about me, or I’ll contact authorities” would help, but I’m not sure.

      I support you and wish you well.

    7. Eeniemeenie*

      If you feel unsafe, do not question if you’re overreacting. Absolutely no one is entitled to anyone else’s company. Like, let’s say your name is Jan and your best friend of 20 years suddenly decided she won’t associate with anyone whose name starts with J. As ridiculous as this is, it would still be inappropriate for you to follow your friend around and insist they spend time with you when they don’t want to. ANY person who doesn’t respect your request to cease contact is a walking red flag.

      That said, what you are describing is absolutely not a normal situation and you have every reason to feel anxious. What he’s doing is creepy as hell. Please seek advice from local police or lawyer.

    8. sswj*

      A couple of thoughts –

      Are you positive he/they have contacted colleges? That sounds like it might be the rumor mill working overtime and if so I wouldn’t worry too much. In this day and age of privacy I can’t imagine a college saying whether or not a specific person is enrolled and/or staying there. But it certainly couldn’t hurt to let them know you have some stalker activity going on and not to divulge anything to anyone without contacting you first.

      Have you actually said to these people “Please stop contacting me and checking up on me. I am fine and would rather be left alone.” (Or words to that effect, and that blunt)? If not, do it. Don’t hint, don’t worry about hurting feelings. They have stepped way over the line and deserve to be told so.

      Creepy stuff, I hope your measures have squashed it all completely!

      1. anon4this1*

        He told our friend he contacted the colleges and he also started mentioning the names of the dean and professors of my department to her. Could he be lying? Absolutely. But its stll strange to me that he would even say that he’s contacting colleges in my new state to find me. Just the fact that he’s saying that is weird to me whether or not its true, if that makes sense.

        And i told him he was scaring me and to leave me alone about a month ago and then I stopped having contact w him which us when his wife started texting me.

        1. sswj*

          That is INCREDIBLY creepy, and yes you absolutely should have a serious chat with TPTB at your school.
          I would also document everything if you still have the texts, or make notes of dates and what was said as far as you remember. If they continue to follow you, keep records. I’m not sure at this point if it’s at a police level, but you could look up the stalking laws in your state(s) and get a feel for what you need to do.

          ICK! So sorry you have this to deal with.

        2. WellRed*

          I know it’s a pain, but I think it’s time to get a new number. And yes, even if he’s lying about contacting the colleges, what a bizarre thing to say he’s doing.

        4. blackcat*

          This is super creepy.
          Colleges should not be giving out information on you. There’s a law against that. Do contact student services at your college and explain you have a stalker and need to be fully “unlisted” in all directories. They should know how to deal with this. If they don’t help, ask for the Title IX coordinator.

        5. Clisby*

          It’s possible he’s contacting people at your department – usually it’s not hard to find email addresses for department heads/faculty members. I find it hard to believe that they’d give out information about you, though.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When I had an ex-friend who was being creepy and trying to worm his way back into my life after I cut him off, I was really trying not to discuss it with most people, but when he leaned on that and specifically tried to involve mutual friends in his nonsense (he tried to get a couple of different friends to bring him to my Thanksgiving party “as a surprise, because we hadn’t seen each other in a while” – luckily, they all knew me well enough to know that if they showed up with a surprise guest, none of them were being allowed in or probably ever invited back, so they contacted me first – he also tried to get my housemate to give him the admin username/pw to my router, claiming that I’d asked him to do some maintenance on it), I specifically told those mutual friends what was going on. Basically “I’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low so’s not to share personal business with the world or to slag him to people who still are his friends, but since he dragged you in, here’s the deal: I’ve cut him off for reasons I’d rather not disclose, and he’s not taking no-contact for an answer and being really kinda skeezy about it. I’m sorry you got pulled in, but please respect that I want no involvement with him ever again and I don’t want him knowing anything about me or my life anymore if I can help it.”

      In my case, the guy was a former roommate and we’d been very good friends for a long time, and I was ADAMANT about not making it a big public division or laying the personal issues out, so most of our mutual friends were really surprised to find that I’d cut him loose. (I did not ghost him; we’d discussed the issues a dozen times in many formats, mostly in saved writing such as emails, texts or Facebook messenger, but to this day he believes I never told him anything was wrong and swears up and down I ghosted him for no reason he can think of.) But in your case, I think there’s also room for “We only knew each other for a couple months, and it’s really kind of weirding me out that he’s going to this length to try to track me down, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep my info to yourself, not pass along messages from him or tell me how he’s doing, and basically just let me keep avoiding him as best I can.”

      1. anon4this1*

        I’m sorry that happened to you with yoyr past friend.

        Yes the people who we have mutual friends know – not because I originally told them but because he started saying weird things about me and some of them got concerned. Since I’m not super close to the group, honestly I plan on leaving them behind when I move. Most of them are fine and are respecting my wishes not to tell him things but he’s trying to pump them for info about me (according to them) and one girl is more on his side. As in she says he’s harmless and wouldn’t hurt a friend.

        The reason I got concerned about him in the beginning is because we all had a group chat on snapchat and about a month ago he posted this long rant about being disrespected by a dmv worker so he made a fake profile on Facebook and was trying to get information about her. Everyone in the group freaked out and thought that was creepy of him and we all told him so but he said he wouldn’t do anything unless she was a bad person. I thought that was weird enough that I told him i was concerned and not to individually contact me anymore. So then his wife started texting me on his behalf. Thats the first time I changed my number. Then yesterday I found out he told the group that he’s been trying to find out what college I’m attending so he can visit. I dont actually think he will visit as my new school and state is 3 days away by car. Also he thought the school i was going to was a similar name but it was a different state school. I changed my number for a 2nd time and didn’t give it to any of our mutual friends this time and i blocked them all on snapchat. Luckily I don’t have Facebook or anything so he can’t try to fake friend me or mine info off of my social media since I have none.

        I have no idea why hes so interested in me and why his wife is so supportive of tbe interest. But frankly I don’t care and plan on leaving the whole group behind since I’m moving out of state and its just not worth it to me w all this going on to keep in touch.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          OH YACK. NO. No no no, for sure, leave this group behind, that’s awful. Good thoughts :(

        2. WellRed*

          I posted further up about changing your number, but you already have twice. So sorry this guy (and his weirdo Patsy of a wife) is doing this.

            1. anon4this1*

              His wife called me and talked to me on the phone after I answered thinking it was someone else. So I believe the texts could have been her.

        3. tangerineRose*

          This whole thing is horrifying. Very creepy, very scary. I might consider talking to the police and asking for advice and including what he’s doing about the DMV person.

        4. Juneybug*

          Few thoughts –
          The “friend” who says he’s harmless – she doesn’t get to dictate your level of comfort and security.
          The “friend” does not get to decide who is a “bad person” based on being upset with someone who he meet once and then try to find out info to harm them.
          It’s up to you about calling DMV to report the stalking of a state employee.
          Please don’t doubt yourself and build a support team of experts to help you with this situation –
          Talk to law enforcement about possible steps to protect yourself, what do you need to build a document trail, etc.
          Reach out to stalking support groups and websites for more info on what to do next.
          Read or listen to books on stalking and ways to protect yourself.
          I wish you safe journey and protection!

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Ok, let’s call this what it is: he’s stalking you. Yes, its creepy and whatnot, but this guy is stalking you and his wife is helping. Recognizing what’s going on may help. Anyone who gives them information about you is not safe. So that loose friend group? Either they get on board, or drop them like hot rocks.

      You are not overreacting. You are not crazy. You are being stalked.

      1. anon4this1*

        Okay thank you to you and everyone else! I think I was second guessing myself because someone I like as a casual friend has been on the ‘hes a nice guy so don’t worry about it’ team.

        I already changed my number last night and none of that group have it. Basically only my parents, little brother, pastor and best friend have my number now. And I’m cutting off that group for good as I’ve blocked them all on snapchat and if they email me ill just ignore it and block them there too now.

        I sent an email to my college advisor and my apartmeny building about the situation and asked them not to give out information about me to anyone and explained the situation. I also asked if there’s any specific group on campus i need to speak to such as security. I dont have any proof because this all happened in snapchat and no one took screenshots because it tells the other person when you screenshot anything. If I start getting weird friend requests on there, I’ll delete my account. And I guess if my email starts getting weird message, I’ll create a new address.

        I’m hoping this guy just gets bored when I move since he won’t have new info about me since I stopped being friends with all of them and won’t be around in person.

        1. tangerineRose*

          He’s clearly shown from his actions he’s NOT a nice guy. He might be good at impersonating a nice guy though.

          For snapchat, if stuff happens in the future, could you use a camera to take photos of it?

        2. knead me seymour*

          Yes, this is very alarming. Unfortunately if you have a relatively unique name or are involved in any activities he knows about, you might need to take steps to minimize your online presence to make it harder for him to identify you and track you online. I’m sorry you have to do all of this, and hopefully he isn’t too persistent.

        3. Venus*

          It might be best to screenshot in snapchat, if it comes up again with you or a friend. You should have a record, and it might be helpful that he knows you are keeping a record of his creepiness.

        4. Batgirl*

          Your casual friend is being rather too casual. Very dismissive of your instincts.
          This would have me reaching for my copy of Gift of Fear to refresh my stalker how-tos.

    11. Generic Name*

      You are not overreacting. I’d be more specific than simply asking about security. I think you can tell your college and your apartment that you have a stalker and you need to know what provisions are in place to keep people safe in those circumstances. See if you can get photos of him/wife and their car(s) in case they ask.

      Universities often have free self defense classes for women that I recommend you take advantage of. They go over not only fending off an attacker, but they also cover situational awareness and hone security.

      I’d also call campus police and the local police department to see if they can give you any further tips. Call the non-emergency number, of course. Don’t be afraid to explain the whole situation. I’ve been having problems with my exhusband for years, and for a long time I stopped short of talking about all of the crazy things he did to various professionals because it was just so crazy and I hated thinking about it. But it didn’t help me and only served to protect him.

      1. anon4this1*

        oh okay ill look into all of that thank you! I already know self defense luckily from a class I took in my community center.

        Should i contact the police in my new town or the police in my current town? (Sorry if this is a dumb question) I already reached out to campus about talking to security there.

        I dont have photos but I have the guy and his wife’s name, address, email address, birthdays and phone numbers. (I attended a BBQ at his house a while back before we were friends and I had the address in my gps)

        1. Generic Name*

          I feel like it can’t hurt to contact both. Especially if you haven’t moved yet and feel unsafe.

          1. Granger Chase*

            Seconding this. I would contact the non-emergency lines for the police in your current town and where you’re moving to. And on-campus police for your college if they’re separate (I’ve found they don’t always communicate well with the local PD if they aren’t linked together).

            I don’t say this to scare you, but if this person and/or the mutual friends know what date you are supposed to be moving (and if any of them know your current address), I would strongly suggest moving on a different day than planned if possible. If you discussed any plans for places you are staying on the way to new state (if you’re driving), I would recommend trying to find different spots to stop and/or even slightly different routes to take if you believe this person would try to follow you on your way to college.

            Many colleges have centers or programs for those who have survived situations of domestic/relationship violence, and while this is a different situation, they might have a website with advice on how to handle stalking, as that is unfortunately a common side effect of someone escaping a threatening relationship. It would also not hurt to give them a call, as many of these centers have employees or volunteers trained to assist with recommendations for safety or how to document occurrences of stalking behavior in order to report to the police. They also can talk to you about how to lock down additional information through your college about your living situation, class schedule, work schedule, extracurriculars, etc.

            Good luck, and please keep us updated! Hopefully you can get rid of this creepy couple. It is not normal for people to behave this way, and you are not wrong to be protecting yourself from them.

        2. Rick Tq*

          If things continue consider purchasing a pistol and getting training, both basic shooting training and specialized self-defence training so you know the laws on self defense in your new state. If this guy is as persistent as he seems even a Protective Order won’t stop him or his wife from pursuing you.,

          I don’t say this lightly, but paper orders only work if he is willing to cooperate, and if he shows up at your door the police can’t get there in time.

          Good luck, protect yourself, and stay safe.

          1. TexasRose*

            I second this suggestion of: don’t get a gun unless you also get the training on how to use it and store it safely; training on how to use a gun for self defense; what the local laws are; and what it means emotionally and morally to get a weapon that literally allows you to choose to continue your own life, even at the cost of an attacker’s life.

            If you DO get a gun, do NOT advertise this fact.
            You may also want to get a cheap cell phone to keep in the gun safe. Be sure it’s charged up, and that the cell provider connects directly to the 911 center correctly in your local area.

            However, nothing I’ve read indicates any physical threat so far, just creepy behavior that has your shoulders up around your ears, and I hope that moving takes care of your problems. (Most stalkers, like most predators in general, are somewhat lazy.)

            Good luck!

    12. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I would bet that he was texting as if he were his wife, although I don’t know how you could confirm this without actually talking to her (which I would assume you don’t want to do).

      1. anon4this1*

        She called me so I think the texts were her like they said. Like I answered the phone and we had a convo where I asked them to leave me alone and she just said that he was worried about me and talking to him really helped his depression and I was such a good friend to them. That was a month ago and after that I changed my number for the first time.

        1. Batgirl*

          “talking to him really helped his depression and I was such a good friend to them”
          WHAT????!!!
          You’re not going to give him a pass on his stalking of others, and yourself ’cause he has depression. Fuck’s sake. The nerve.

          1. valentine*

            she just said that he was worried about me and talking to him really helped his depression and I was such a good friend to them.
            This is extremely weird. My original thought was he told her some wild story about you being mentally ill. It sounds like you weren’t even friends (Was she on the Snapchat with you?), so, the klaxon is blaring here.

            The document you sent your school: Add the texts and as close as you can get to a verbatim transcript of the phone call(s), including with your former friends. Screenshotting Snapchat will be an escalation. You can decide if you want to risk it. It would help to have the date/details of the DMV stuff because that can be verified. Stop using that Snapchat account. Leave it active as evidence. Give your advisor and* security his name, social media handles, contact info, and photos so they can ban him from the property.

            * Never leave this with just one person; the more you control and the less you have to trust someone else’s judgment, the better. There will be someone at your school who will violate security protocols because they fall for talk of emergency/surprise (especially around, say, a wedding proposal).

            Don’t assume he’ll stop. If what he said about the DMV worker is true, he thinks you’re a bad person deserving of stalking. He may think he’s on a Quest and, when he ambushes you at school, you’ll see the light and act out the screenplay he has running in his mind.

            Hire a lawyer (not sure what kind) to navigate this with you, someone who has investigators and will go to the station to report this with you and be a witness to the reaction (they don’t take you seriously, or care less because you’re moving). Maybe they can recommend/work with someone in your new state. Always have your lawyer present when interacting with law enforcement (who will resist and try to get you alone).

          2. TexasRose*

            TW (trigger warnings) for abuse details:

            Let me help you with a translation of the wife’s script: “I’m married to a serial abuser, and I’ve been groomed to be his helper, to entice other victims because I no longer have enough self-respect for him to get his jollies by destroying it.” Similarly, the friend has also been groomed to be a procurer – because, let’s face it, that what “friend” is attempting to do – bring another birdie home for the tomcat to play with.

            Good work that you have taken good steps to protect yourself, and you have done your due diligence of telling them clearly to leave you alone. (In most cases, it’s comforting when you’re doubting your own sanity, during those nights when it’s hard to sleep, that you can reassure yourself that yes, you were clear enough that any reasonable, boundary-abiding person would have heard you when you said “leave me alone.” [And, yes, that convoluted sentence is one I wrapped around myself decades ago, when I was stalked; at midnight; when I was doubting my sanity.]

            You did nothing wrong other than going about your life. The best revenge is to continue going about your life, and to live well.

            I second a suggestion to call the non-emergency line for the cops* where you are living at the moment, and ask if they want you to make a report: not that you want them to do anything, but because you want them to have creep on their radar / in their files as a creep. Also, ask if they have any suggestions for additional steps to protect yourself. If the cops don’t want to take a report, write something up with all creep’s details, and leave it with the obvious person (parents, pastor – you know your life best).

            *It has been my experience that cops in larger metropolitan areas, especially ones with a large sports, writing, music, or movie [any public celebrity] scene, are much more likely to help deal with stalkers; they’ve had more experience.

            Once you move, since you’re moving out of state (three days right? even Texas isn’t that big), be sure to talk with campus security about leaving an old stalker behind. They might be able to tell you what the local laws and resources are. Give a head’s up to your apartment complex or landlord, your utility companies to lock down your information, to your department head and department secretary, to your new job (owner and supervisor).

            Be sure to talk with the campus counselor’s office; they might have some resources to help with this type of situation, including support groups for stalking victims.

            In the short term, you might want to pop over to CaptainAwkward dot com and check out some of her old posts about stalkers; I found her good sense and good writing to be very helpful.

            Good luck, and may all your future excitement be academic!

            Good luck on your move, and may your

            1. Batgirl*

              That was my read too. He’s manipulated the friend with the same methods as the wife.

        2. Batgirl*

          That’s un.be.lie.vable she asked you to put up with the cold shivers he gives you from being stalked because… depression. She is out there.

    13. Wehaf*

      I strongly recommend reading “The Gift of Fear” – it was written by a security consultant with expertise in stalking, and lays out what actions are good to take in what situations, and what aren’t (sometimes things which seem to make sense actually put you at more risk).

    14. Ali*

      I think you are doing everything right! You are not overreacting, and all the steps you’ve taken to protect your privacy and let people know what’s going on seem right on to me. So sorry you have to deal with this creepy stalker, but you seem to be doing it very well.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      If you’d like expert advice (in the U.S.), I recommend calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Yeah, I know, it sounds extreme BUT these people have the expertise and experience on what steps work at the beginning of this kind of problem and what doesn’t. They can evaluate what you’re dealing with. It’s an 800 number and they could be a big help.
      I hope you consider calling.
      I’m sending my very best wishes to you.

    16. anon4this1*

      UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the advice. I very much appreciate it.

      Since I already changed my number last night and no one from the group or him have it, I decided the main action I could do today is write out a detailed email about the situation, dates, times, and what happened to my school. I sent it to my advisor, my transfer advisor who has been very helpful, and the title x people since it says that they deal with stalking. I also said in the email that I need to be unlisted in the school directory and also if there’s a dean’s list, I can’t have my name online like my last school did.

      I will consider talking to the police (non emergency line) and the domestic violence line. Thank you for the suggestion. I’m not really up for doing either of those things today tbh. I think I will wait until Monday and see what the school says. This school has been amazing in every other aspect of transferring, pandemic planning, and moving to their state so I think they will get back to me on Monday considering how serious the situation is and the fact that I put multiple people on the email.

      I have taken self defense classes and read the book the gift of fear a little while ago. I actually read the book at the end of last year because people on here mention it so much! I will consider rereading the book when I feel more up to it. I won’t be able to take screenshots on snapchat since none of them are friends with me on there since I blocked them all and him. But if I get weird friend requests (which I won’t accept of course) or strange emails, I will screenshot and save them. I also saved his full name, her full names, their numbers, his email address, and his house address (I was invited to a bbq at his house a while back before we were friends which is why I had his address in my gps). I will also not hesitant to delete my snapchat account or change my email address if need be. The only people I’m friends with on snapchat is my boyfriend, little brother, mom and my close friend now so I’m not too concerned about it however if I start getting strange friend requests on there, I will delete it. I am more concerned about him finding out which school I go to and messing with either my school or my college email address (since that seems like it would be hard to change.)

      Thank you all for the advice and I will talk to the police but just not today because I feel majorly burnt out after last night changing my number. (Also hopefully there is no spelling mistakes in this comment since I wrote it on my computer instead). Thank you all <3

      1. Generic Name*

        You’re doing awesome! Hugs if you want them. I’m sure you realize this, but what he’s doing is super shitty and unfair, and you don’t deserve it.

      2. Lisanthus*

        First off, major kudos to you for all that you’ve done so far. Moving and transferring schools during a pandemic is bad enough without having to cope with a stalker couple on top of it.

        One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is that if they continue this stalking, one or both of these creeps may specifically pose as your parent(s) to try and worm out information from your new college. Especially if the guy went so far as to look up faculty on school websites so he could mention their names to another friend. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that someone that creepy would try to get hold of an unsuspecting faculty member, department assistant, etc. and pretend they’re a worried parent. Or other administrative offices.

        Speaking of which, if you’re receiving financial aid be sure to tell your financial aid office what’s going on and give them all the details you have on the creeps. Back in the dinosaur age when I was a university administrator, there were specific financial aid office security protocols for situations like these. If they aren’t helpful, go to the Title IX coordinator and academic affairs staff to light a fire under them.

        When you talk to the campus police, I’d bring up the possibility of them posing as your parents in order to access your information or get onto campus and ask for advice about that scenario. Ditto for the local police.

        I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hang in there.

        1. anon4this1*

          Yes, that is why I reached out to the college to ask them not to give information to anyone asking about me even people who claim to know me or to be someone like my parents. I am 26 though and paying all the bills myself plus I was told that they can’t give out information because of that thing about education privacy. I will make sure to reiterate that point though when I talk to whomever on Monday as that’s a good point.

          About the financial aid though, what should I be telling them? I guess I just don’t understand what their office would have to do with this so if you have more information I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you.

          1. Lisanthus*

            You’re right, FERPA (the information privacy law governing both K-12 and postsecondary students) forbids most information being given out. If you fill out a FERPA directory opt-out form then you can opt out of having even your directory information published anywhere by the institution. It sounds like you’ve started to take that step already, which is great; your advisor should be able to tell you what specific form/process you need to go through to take care of that directory opt-out. Schools do things differently so I don’t want to say “Do X.”

            College employees are well aware of FERPA and the legal consequences of violating it. But it’s better to proactively cover your bases with someone this sketchy who sounds like they’re good at conning people. Telling your advisor and others “I’m worried these people might try to get around FERPA, like by posing as my parents, to find out information on me” will send all sorts of warning signals to them because FERPA is the magic acronym. :-)

            If you’re not receiving financial aid and paying all tuition and fees out of your own pocket, then talking to the financial aid office is more of a precaution. You’d want to say something like “Hey, here’s the situation. I don’t expect you all to do anything, but I’m alerting offices across campus just in case one of these people calls around campus claiming to be my parent to try and find information about me.” If you’re receiving financial aid, then they can advise you on how best to handle your dealings with them. (I had a case once where we had to arrange for the student to come in personally and only meet with certain administrators, along with taking other security measures.)

            Again, you’re doing everything right. It sucks that these creeps are inflicting this behavior on you and I’m so sorry.

            1. anon4this1*

              I’m getting a grant but no loans and paying everything else out of pocket.

              I will use the phrase “I’m worried these people might try to get around FERPA, like by posing as my parents, to find out information on me” because that’s really smart. I also will look for that form. Thank you very much.

              I started reading the gift of fear again tonight (forgot that book was so interesting) and I also set up 2 step log in thing on my email address and snapchat account so if anyone ever tried to log into my email or account, it will text me a code so you would need my phone to log in.

            2. anon4this1*

              I forwarded the email I originally wrote to the title x department and my advisor also to the head of the department and I added your line about FERPA. I think that should help hopefully because the head of the department will be aware now too. Thank you!

              1. Lisanthus*

                Quite welcome. Schools are legally required to make you aware of your rights under FERPA at least once a year, FYI. And since you’re getting a grant then the financial aid office can take additional precautions because they have information on file about you.

                Sadly, you won’t be the first student who’s had this sort of problem. I second the advice upthread about making as many campus offices aware of these people as possible while you’re making your transition as a proactive security measure.

                Best of luck with your move and your studies.

      3. Quandong*

        I can only imagine how draining this has been for you, on top of actually moving and the stress of that process.

        Congratulations on the steps you’ve taken so far. If you do want more detailed suggestions I remember some extremely good lists of steps in this thread:
        https://www.askamanager.org/2018/06/how-do-i-handle-changing-my-name-and-job-because-of-a-stalker.html

        I recall several very experienced posters giving advice. Best wishes for keeping yourself safe, and for the next phase of your studies.

        1. anon4this1*

          I will read all the comments on that thread tomorrow. Thank you very much. Much appreciated yours and everyone’s help and support.

  22. Dear liza dear liza*

    I got my first Subaru Impreza in 2001, ran it into the ground, and am on Subaru #2. If you live in a snowy area, the AWD is a big benefit. Otherwise, the reliability is a huge advantage. In both cars, things wore out, but nothing ever needed a repair! Well, actually, I had a transmission issue and
    I was super grumpy when I had to pay for that. About a year later, Subaru sent a letter about known transmission issues. I sent in my invoice and Subaru paid back every penny to me.

    I plan to get Subaru #3 when this one dies, but I’m just under 200K miles and it’s chugging along without any problems.

    Now I have to go knock on wood, lol.

    Enjoy your Impreza!

    1. Millicent*

      Thank you so much – I’m going to keep rereading your response when my doubts come up, lol.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I’m glad to read this! I’m looking to replace my lemon of a CR-V next year and I specifically wanted something with AWD because winters here are long and awful, and I’ve only ever heard good things about Subarus. They are for sure on my short list.

  23. Small Things Considered*

    weird question–

    when you’re feeding other people (in this case, an informal ‘meal train’ for friends and neighbors out of work because of covid), obv. you need to take their dietary requirements into account, but what do you do when that becomes prohibitively expensive?

    my group of friends/neighbors has been trying in our own small way to pull together, people who are still employed and have money and/or have time making food for those who either are having financial issues due to Covid or who aren’t but simply don’t have time to cook (because they’re working full time from home while wrangling children or other dependents or etc.). I’m not the organizer, but I help to coordinate both people in need of help and volunteers to make sure needs are met, and I also cook.

    since none of us are rolling in cash, the foodstuffs tends to be things like lasagna, quinoa pilaf, saag paneer and rice, brisket and potato salad, chicken noodle soup, etc. etc., things that are filling but relatively cheap, since we’re paying out of pocket for ingredients. (it’s also not an official nonprofit, so no tax write-offs for anything, tho the local foodbank does sometimes give us surpluses of things like potatoes/onions/rice.) we offer 4-5 meals (mostly dinners, some breakfasts and lunches) per household per week. we ask people about their allergies/dietary restrictions, though as this is a bunch of people making food in their own homes we make it clear that we can’t guarantee no cross-contamination and can’t guarantee things like ‘made in a Kosher kitchen.’ (again, think meal train, not food nonprofit)

    but one person recently signed up whose dietary restrictions are no grain, no legume, no dairy. at first we were like, ok, so, she gets the sweet potatoes and brisket, or the roasted acorn squash with chicken, or we’ll give her the salmon with spinach but since that’s not really enough calories for a meal, we’ll supplement by giving her a side of waldorf salad.

    didn’t work. by ‘no grain/legume’ she meant ‘no high-carb items’ including white potatoes, sweet potatoes, squashes, peas, corn, or fruit. “high-nutrient” vegetables, meats, and fats only. her example of her normal diet was a 12-oz portion of salmon, chicken, or steak plus a large portion of fresh salad or sauteed vegetables, plus a high-fat item like a nondairy high-fat sauce or a whole avocado or a bunch of nuts. she does eat eggs, but obv. sending her three dozen hard boiled eggs and a crate of broccoli would be a passive-aggressive asshole move.

    so, what to do? it also feels like an asshole move to say “sorry your diet is too hard” when for all I know it’s a medical necessity (I did not ask and am not going to since it seems needlessly invasive), but we can’t afford to supply 3-4 meals per week of (I assume?) keto. OTOH, I did the cost calculations and one meal for her would be three meals for people who eat lasagna or five meals for people who eat saag paneer and rice.

    1. Small Things Considered*

      if it matters, it’s a sizable friends/neighbors group. we have 35 families (ranging from 1 to 7 people per family) signed up as needing food (with that number going up every week, sadly), and around 15 people making meals. some of the people making meals are richer in time than money, hence the popularity of things like ‘lentils and rice.’ we have as yet had no difficulty handling general food concerns like vegetarian/vegan, no peanuts/tree nuts, tomato allergy, etc.

    2. Washi*

      It sounds like these are not allergies or religious food restrictions but preferences. And you’re not a restaurant and don’t have the resources to be a restaurant!

      I think perhaps when people are referred to your resource, that you make it clear that not only can you not ensure super strict cross contamination, but also that these are the type of meals you will be able to receive, and that there is no customized order option.

      To this lady, I might say that you are can accommodate her allergies, but that X and Y meals are what is available and you are not able to change that. I wouldn’t give too many reasons, just focus on “this is what is available, is that something that will work for you?”

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Well, it doesn’t sound like this is a formal organization, so I don’t think there would be anything wrong with saying (diplomatically) “I know you are in need, but we aren’t able to accommodate your dietary needs in the way you request without a severe impact to our budget, because our volunteers are paying for this almost entirely out of pocket. We could certainly provide you with one meal per week that fits your needs [or however many meals you can afford], or we could provide you with X number of meals that would include [whatever other vegetables or foods that would make sense], but I’m afraid that’s the best we can do for you.”

      It’s very, very, very kind of you and your friends and neighbours to be helping to feed people who have been severely impacted by all of this, but this woman may not be aware that her expensive diet is being funded by you guys directly. It isn’t fair to you guys or to other people you might be helping to feed. Maybe the organizer could be the one to speak up?

    4. sswj*

      I think I would tell her that your small outfit is not equipped for that level of restriction, but that you would be happy to help out by at least providing a portion of her meals. That way you could provide some veggies and brisket, and just leave out the starches. It would be up to her to fill in the gaps. This is still a superbly generous thing to do – the whole setup gives me the warm fuzzies! And I’ll send a giant Thank You on her behalf, since I suspect you may get a sniff and an eyeroll from that quarter, and not much more.

    5. Ali G*

      I would politely tell her that due to financial restrictions (make sure she knows that these are community members donating all the money/food – you get no outside assistance) you cannot fully accommodate her diet. She is welcome to the portions of the items she can eat, but you cannot give her full portions because you don’t have access to the quantity of food to accommodate everyone.
      For the other more reasonable accommodations, could you assign certain foods to certain houses? Like someone makes all the gluten free stuff, someone else does no accommodations, etc. Or would that be too complicated?

      1. Small Things Considered*

        thanks, this is very helpful!

        the other food considerations have actually not been a problem at all. we’re never going to guarantee a lack of cross-contamination or etc., for a whole variety of reasons, but everyone I’ve worked with has been conscientious of what ingredients are in what. <3

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her that you have allowed dollar amounts per person per week. Ask her if she would prefer veggies or protein and ask her if she has a preference as to which days she gets the servings. Just say “We want to provide something that is meaningful to you, but we cannot go over budget.”

      I am almost “as bad” as she is. However, I will eat a bit more than what you have listed here. I know my food costs money and I won’t let others buy my food for me because of this. Over the years I have worked into this so I can do it in a more cost effective manner. But, familiarity! I did not just wake up one morning and start doing this, it took me years to get to where I am now.

      As an aside: Twelve ounces of protein??!! Holy crap. If I ate 8 ounces in one sitting, I usually regretted it later on so I don’t do that. Five or six ounces is usually more than plenty. My dog, the bottomless pit, maxes out at 7 ounces. More than that is just to much food for him.

      You might want to consider giving her gift cards rather than trying to actually get the food. I cook like this so I do understand all the hoops you have jumped through to get as far as you have.

      1. Small Things Considered*

        So! everyone else has given me enormously useful advice (as have you) but I have to reply to yours first because now I feel less totally bonkers–because I love me some steak, and my husband has a big appetite, and yet when we make or order steak 12 oz or more is definitely at the point where we’re like ‘let’s share it.’ I was questioning myself re: whether 12 oz of steak/chicken/salmon was a lot, and am gratified that to at least someone else it’s a lot. :D

        (Husband and I split any piece of meat over about 10 oz, but it’s because I have a tiny appetite, so I’m a bad judge.)

        1. WellRed*

          Well, a serving of a protein is typically about 3 oz per dietary standards (adjust for individual needs and body size), so 12 oz is a lot. For me, it’s 4 meals worth (tiny appetite, also).

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I can remember in my 20s and 30s getting an 8 oz steak in a restaurant. Even back then it was just too much food. Now that much steak is impossible for me.

        3. Nacho*

          My dinners are usually ~6-8 ounces of meat and another half a cup of rice, so it’s not super out of line to think that somebody could eat 12 ounces of meat if that’s all they’re eating.

        4. Batgirl*

          When you’re not eating carbs you stop craving them for fullness and get hungrier for other things instead.

        5. Cedrus Libani*

          I’m on keto, and though I’m 6′ tall and also trying to stay at my current weight, 12 oz of meat is a lot. My normal dinner is 8 oz meat plus a reasonably heavy side (veggies sauteed in oil, salad with dressing, etc).

    7. Not A Manager*

      One complicating factor seems to be that this is a communal effort, so it might be hard for you to determine what other people are comfortable with cost-wise or effort-wise. If this is a “top down” group where someone is the clear organizer and rule-maker, then that person can tell her that there’s a limit of $x/week that can be budgeted to one person, and she can have one or two full meals for the week, or she can have five servings of protein but she’ll need to fill in the rest herself. (Or whatever makes sense.)

      If this is more of a group consensus thing, then I think you might raise hackles if you try to place limits on your own. In that case, I think sending an email to everyone saying, “we have a person with x requirements that are difficult for some of us to meet consistently, does anyone else cook this way, is any one person interested in committing to these particular meals” might be a good first step.

    8. Koala dreams*

      The kindest thing is to tell them that it’s out of your budget as soon as possible, so they can look after other solutions for getting food. As a omnivore, your idea of eggs and broccoli sounds good too, I might do that some day even though I’m not unemployed (I’ll sprinkle some nuts on top, and not eat a dozen of them obviously), and you can ask if they would be interested in supplements to meals like that, even though you can’t provide full meals.

      Your food train sounds great, and it makes my day brighter to know about it. Thanks for sharing!

    9. Amerdale*

      You say the meals are for people who have financial problems and/or not the time to cook. In which group does this woman fall? If she just can’t cook because of time restraints, I’d approach her and tell her that her restricitions are simply not doable given that you all pay for the meals yourself but if she were willing to pay for the ingredients, you and your group could cook her meals.
      Unfortunately that doesn’t work if she has financial problems. In that case I’d just tell her the truth. You are not a charity, you are just some people trying to help, but this is not doable for you.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, call me a cynic, but this sounds like a really high-class diet to me, and maybe her budget is more the beans and rice range right now but is expecting folks to just cover that for her? Like can she not eat canned tuna or tilapia? Did she say it has to be salmon in particular and no other (more affordable) fish? I’m giving this lady some serious side-eye. I mean, it’s really nice of folks to customize the offerings, but maybe it’s time to say, here’s this week’s menu, check yes or no.

    10. Coco*

      I’m in agreement with a lot of the commenters.

      I’d be inclined to tell her: We are a volunteer community with no outside funding. We budget $x per person per meal (or whatever the calculation is). We can provide you with $x worth of high protein low carb food.

      And stick with it. It may be very little food and not worth your or her time in preparing/ delivering/ picking it up so you may need to revisit. But you and your group are being kind, generous, and fair.

    11. Senor Montoya*

      You say, “I;m so sorry! We are just people cooking at home and we can only offer these dishes (include a list of ingredients for each). We hope you will be able to find something that works for you!”

      You’re not a restaurant (one of my mom’s favorite sayings) or a nutritional service. You offer what you can, and if it does not work for someone, they will have to find some other way to get their food.

    12. Nacho*

      The cheapest thing I can think of would be chicken breasts/Pork Chops/very low quality beef, all of which should be ~$4/pound. That might be a little bit more expensive than you’re used to, but not super unreasonable, and balanced out by being very easy/quick to cook. You might have to level with her and let her know that, because of her dietary needs, you can’t afford to make fancy meals for her and you’re going to have to stick to cheap, simple things, and probably not going to have a lot of variety.

      I definitely wouldn’t give her salmon or steak though, that’s not fair to you or to the other people you’re helping.

    13. ...*

      I would just start making a standard menu and people can pick from it what they want. Perhaps its medical, some people do keto for medical reasons, or perhaps that’s just what she chooses. But I think its wholly unreasonable to expect a free meal train thats done purely out of kindness to give you 12 oz portion of salmon (!?!??!) for 1 person. 12 ounces of salmon is enough for 3 people for a meal.

    14. HBJ*

      I agree with the others. I would say we can give you a partial meal 4-5 times a week or we can give you a full meal 1-2 times a week. Your restrictions unfortunately cost 3-5 times what we are spending on other meals, so we can’t afford to give you a full meal 4-5 times a week.

      When a person is requesting or if they are not requesting but are accepting meal train meals, they need to list as few restrictions as possible. It should be kept to allergies and serious sensitivities. And requesting expensive foods like steak, salmon and avocado is out of line. I’ve seen meal trains where people listed “no casseroles.” Casseroles are basically 90% of what people make for meal trains because they’re easy to transport and typically easy to make and inexpensive. That’s just rude, and she didn’t have a lot of people sign up. I wonder why?

    15. Touched by kindness*

      I mostly want to say this is such an incredibly kind thing your group is doing.

      Another option for the person’s request is to see if there is an established non-profit that would have more bandwidth to cover their needs. Where I am for example, there is a non-profit that will feed you if you are sick/can’t go out to get food for medical reasons. There are more traditional food bank/kitchens places. There is City Meals if the person is over 60. Religious groups might have groups that help feed others in similar ways as your group. Some involve more paperwork than others, but they are also perhaps more able to deal with more specific needs. The fact that your group is stepping up also allows these non-profits more room to accommodate other people (who presumably might have made use of the non-profits’ services otherwise) so I don’t think it’s a passing the buck. You are allowed to set a boundary on what you offer.

      1. Venus*

        I know of someone who has a lot of health restrictions to their diet, but they would also find a way to make it work if they were getting a very generous donation from someone else. Fish like salmon and tuna comes in cans, beef roasts with cheap cuts can be tender if done right, and chicken is relatively cheap if bought as an entire bird. I buy a full small chicken for $7 and it cooks in the InstantPot within an hour, then I put it in the oven for a quick browning. That’s 2-3 lbs of meat, so enough for 3-5 meals.

        It’s possible that this is a medical problem, but that’s different from being an entitled jerk. The OP did say that those items are what the person ate previously, so maybe there can be a conversation about how to change the meals to make them more manageable for volunteers. “her example of her normal diet was a 12-oz portion of salmon” doesn’t necessarily mean that she will now only eat a 12-oz portion of salmon. But if the OP has that convo and she only wants that steak or salmon… then it has nothing to do with health, and everything to do with not truly appreciating her neighbours.

    18. Lady Heather*

      To be honest, I don’t think hard-boiled eggs with broccoli is outlandish. It’s free food that meets their dietary requirements.

      As someone who can’t eat gluten, I’m well accustomed to meals consisting of less – like there being a nice buffet for the group and stale(ish) rice crackers for me.

      And seriously, she lost all my sympathy at salmon. SALMON?? It might be different where you are but here, 10 kg chicken is the same price as 1 kg salmon. !!!

      It is *free food for people in need*. Do not ask for, mention, expect, hint at or even *think* of salmon.

      1. Lady Heather*

        Add unsalted peanuts for fat.
        (At least, that’s the cheap ‘nut’ around here.)

  24. Not So NewReader*

    Medi-gap insurance.

    I know most people here probably don’t have/need medi-gap insurance yet, but I am willing to bet that some of you are very familiar because of the older folks in your family.

    My friend has a medi-gap plan that she is NOT happy with. Personally, I tend to think these plans are about the same. But she probably won’t be happy until she finds a new plan. I am not sure if the complaints are justifiable or not so I will avoid using the name of the company and just say that it is well known insurance name for seniors beginning with the letter H.

    My question is do you guys know of a medi-gap insurance that you/your family member ARE happy with? I’d also appreciate insight as to WHY you like it.

    Thanks in advance.

    1. LuisainDallas*

      I am 78 and have had a Medicare supplemental policy with Blue Cross Blue Shield for many, many years. I am very satisfied with it. Between it and Medicare I almost never have any out-of-pocket medical expenses. And, a few years ago I spent a week in the hospital (appendicitis). As you can image, the bill for that stay was hideous, but I paid nothing. So, I can recommend Blue Cross.

      2. Faith*

        My parents also have blue cross blue shield and it has worked really well so far for them.

    2. OtterB*

      Following this. My husband turns 65 in November and I have been ignoring all the mail but need to pay attention and figure this out. I would also appreciate any recommendations for information explaining medicare options from sources that are not trying to sell me a policy.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And won’t it be nice if they did not change things all the time…. that would really help with the learning curve.

      2. Le Sigh*

        My mom has a Mutual of Omaha Part G plan. It became incredibly useful when she had a several serious medical problems that landed her in the hospital for extended periods of time. Basically, whatever Medicare A/B didn’t cover, this plan did.

        For example: Medicare often goes from 100% coverage to 80% after X number of days in the hospital or a rehab facility. If they’re in the ICU, getting rehab, etc., that 20% can be incredibly costly. Part G covers it, for the most part.

        There are still gaps and huge problems with Medicare plans overall, but I’ve been glad my mom opted to get it. Her health has been up and down, so it was a good investment. It’s not cheap, but it’s saved us a lot of money.

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        OtterB, a friend of mine thought he had all month, i.e. by the end of the month of his 65th birthday, and apparently – there are some timing rules. Don’t ignore the mail too long!

    3. fposte*

      There’s a useful page on medicare dot gov called “How to compare Medigap policies” that’ll help identify what configurations are available (and it also notes that three states follow a different protocol).

      Not to complicate things, but she’s definitely looking for Medigap and not Medicare Advantage? My retirement package covers some of the costs for Medicare Advantage so most people here go for Medicare Advantage.

    4. Anon-a-souras*

      My parents use AARP’s plan and speak very highly of it. My mom spent time in the hospital after a fall last year and my dad said the coverage worked well.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      Is it the company or the coverage? There are different types of supplemental insurance plans under Medicare rules. Just as Medicare itself has part A and part B, there are supplements D through (maybe) H. Each one has different provisions, limits and costs. Some cover eye exams and others not, for one example.

      Unless she chooses an extraordinarily poorly managed insurer, the plan generally makes a lot more difference than the company.

      There are insurance specialists who help people navigate this, incidentally. They don’t cost anything to the individual. I found mine from a presentation at a local library, and I’m really glad I did.

      1. San Juan Worm*

        If you search for your community’s State Health Insurance Assistance Program (SHIP), you can get connected with a counselor to help you compare plans and determine what your needs are. They are trained professionals who are impartial because the program is federally funded and operates under federal guidelines — they don’t sell or promote any product or service. Their services are always free! They also can help investigate summary notice billing concerns or fraud.

      2. I edit everything*

        Seconding all of this. My mom just switched from a Medicare Advantage plan to Medicare + Supplement, so we’ve been through it recently.

        Medicare + supplement is better than Medicare Advantage, from our experience. Much less hassling from the insurance company, better coverage (depending on the plan, of course). You pay more for the plan, but less when you have big bills.

    6. Doctor is In*

      I just enrolled for Medicare and supplement, and part D. I did research on my own, then got a recommendation for an insurance agent from my pharmacist. The agents can look at your situation and recommend plans. Got all set up quickly and easily.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Thank you, all. I took a bunch of notes on what you guys said here and I am ready to look into this with her. I so appreciate your help!

    8. blaise zamboni*

      Most plans probably are the same. I will say that if your friend’s plan has a second word that starts with N in their name, I work with their parent company in my job (health plan compliance) and I…don’t like them. I’m not sure how their benefits compare, but from an administrative standpoint they are disorganized and sort of a nightmare to work with. That said, I only work with their Medicare Advantage plans, not the supplemental plans, so maybe that’s handled differently.

      I would specifically recommend against BC/BS if you can avoid them, because both branches have histories of trying to weasel out of actually paying the claims that are their responsibility. Blue Shield in particular is really shady IMO, but they’re owned by the same parent company so I trust both of them about as far as I can throw them. I know that’s not everyone’s experience of them but it makes me leery anyway.

      I helped my mom navigate moving into Medicare. She has UHC and likes them well enough, and I haven’t heard complaints or had any particularly negative experiences with them. Cigna and Aetna are both pretty solid too, in my experience. I can’t speak to the latter two, but I know my mom enjoys her UHC insurance because she gets a certain amount of free medicine/medical supplies that she can choose from a catalog every year.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If we’re naming names, Anthem is pretty shady and well-known for trying to weasel out of paying for things. (Example: Their policy is to only look at the first diagnosis listed when determining medical necessity, so if two line items have different medical necessity requirements, one will automatically be denied on the first go-round and the facility will have to spend the time and effort writing an appeal, even if the medical necessity code for both is actually already on the claim.)

        2. Old and Don’t Care*

          Is this relevant to Medigap claims? If Medicare approves a claim and pays as primary, Anthem can decline to pay the secondary portion? I didn’t know Medigap plans could do that.

    9. Auntie Social*

      I did my own research and went with Cigna, as there were far fewer negative news articles about them about policy, far less litigation, fewer complaints with state Insurance commissioners. I found an lovely, well informed agent who answered my questions for as long as I wanted and was the only one who didn’t try to “package” me. Jennifer Westover is her name, (737) 214-5087, she will answer your questions (and saved me money, too) til the cows come home. She reps many things, not just Cigna.

      1. fposte*

        FWIW, insurance agents are licensed by state. She can’t sell to any other state unless she’s licensed to, and it would be uncommon for her to be licensed in all 50.

  25. Grim*

    We have a big orange tree in our backyard and I’d like juicer recommendations.

    Seems like the juicer on Better Call Saul kicks butt, but I don’t know the make or model.

    Thanks!

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I have a cuisinart juicer. But for a tree full of lemons and/ or oranges, I got a juicer attachment for my actual big cuisinart food processor. (The motor on that thing will never die). I do not recommend the Braun (some years ago) – I burnt it out in short order.

  26. Virtual ball*

    Has anyone attended?

    A museum I bought a membership to is having a virtual ball. Their regular non-pandemic era in person balls were always too $$ for me to attend (about $150 per person / $300 for spouse and me for the cheapest ticket up to thousands )

    This year the cheapest ticket is $45 and I could attend alone (I could attend alone for the in person one too but spouse would prob want to come as well) so this is prob the most affordable this will ever be.

    Are these virtual events worth the money? Assuming you like the museum and want to support it I suppose it is for a good cause, but if the charitable aspect was taken out would you do it again?

    What have your experiences been for these types of events?

    Thanks

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think they have pros and cons. I like being able to get one ticket for two people. I like the option to be near my own bathroom. I like to have a cocktail and not worry about driving. Or parking! But… I also like mingling and I like dressing up and I like going out. However, I really just like supporting the cause if I can, so that’s worth it for me. You get a little extra content, a little behind the scenes. I wouldn’t pay for the “whole table” ticket if it’s virtual, but I would do it.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I think “worth” is going to be really tricky to define in this context. It’s almost certainly going to be underwhelming compared to the in-person events, but museums are having these things basically so they don’t go under and can try in whatever way they can to approximate the revenue they normally would’ve with the in-person event. So it might be better to frame it in your mind as “do I want to give them an extra $45 for a chance at a maybe entertaining thing?” than if the event itself is worth $45.

  27. Casey*

    Does anyone have one of those lamps that’s meant to mimic the sun? I’m moving back to my parent’s house in a month and my room only has one small-ish window for light. (I spent most of my time at you-know-what in the basement with no sunlight, so I don’t know why this room bothers me, but it does!)
    If you have/had one: did you like it? did you use it for just for short periods of time like the literature says? should I just get a bunch of lamps to make the space brighter in general?

    1. Ali G*

      I have SAD and use one in the winter when I can’t get sunlight during the day. It does help. A colleague of mine started using one because she lives in a basement with very little light and she said it helped. In my case I used it for 30 minutes mid-day. I’m not sure you would want to leave it on all day. It can mess with your sleep more if you over use it.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I have one. They’re ridiculously bright (like, hurt your eyes if you’re looking in their general direction bright), so I definitely only use it for short periods of time. I would also get a bunch of regular lamps just to make the space brighter.

    3. Koala dreams*

      We used to have one at the office. It’s very bright. I’d recommend use it for a limited time at a time, maybe an hour or two? It’s great for when you feel sleepy or when your eyes get tired. I’d also recommend you to get some more lights for the room so that you can have nice lightning depending on what you need. A ceiling lamp for general brightness, a reading lamp for reading, a floor lamp for watching tv/listening to music, maybe a decorative light (or a few for different seasons). A night lamp perhaps.

    4. mreasy*

      I have one and use it for about half the year. It helps a lot, but it’s definitely a therapeutic item, not for use as room lighting. In general I find a well-lit room helps with my SAD, so that’s something to think about as well.

    5. Wehaf*

      I have have several from Verilux; they have both therapy lights (very bright, intended to be used for up to hour or so per day) and regular lights. I have some of each, and I do recommend them.

      Whether you go for a full-spcctrum light or not, if the lighting in the room bothers you, you should do something about it. In general I recommend a combination of direct and indirect lighting, and suggest thinking about how warm you want the light to be at different times of day. Paint can make a huge difference, too; have you thought about painting the room and ceiling?

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Use regular lamps and position them for your needs. A big mirror on the wall opposite your window will make your space lighter and feel bigger. Try some fairy lights for fun!
      I have used a SAD light for years in accordance with its instructions. Now I have (admittedly minor) skin and eye damage from it. If you get a SAD light, use it for the minimum time and maximum distance. I no longer use mine.
      Basements bother me, too. I hope you can do some things to make it more pleasant for you!

    7. Miki*

      I use one in the winter and also when I’m working night shifts. It’s a REALLY bright light with a pretty harsh quality, and you’re not supposed to look directly at it—it should be a certain distance from your face and angled down above you in order to hit the right photoreceptors along the bottom of your retina.

      It definitely works on that sunlight-deprivation feeling and gives me more energy and wakefulness, as well as helping with regulate sleep. But I wouldn’t use it for room lighting! For that, I’d use normal lamps with whatever light bulbs make it feel sunny and cheery to me.

  28. Eeniemeenie*

    I got contacted by the police recently after a random driver claimed that I rear ended their vehicle and drove off. According to them this incident happened on my street so it seems like an accident occurred while I was driving by and the other driver wrongfully identified my number plate.

    I emailed explaining it wasn’t me but sitting here stressed out because how do I prove I *didn’t* do something? I am hopeful there is CCTV footage available but it’s not a busy area so there might not be.

    Anyone familiar in this area? What can I do here?

    1. Ali G*

      If you deny it and there is no proof there isn’t anything they can do to you. This is why most states in the US (if you are here) require you to have uninsured driver insurance in addition to liability insurance. My car was hit a run a few years ago and I had to file the claim under my uninsured driver policy for insurance (and report it to the police) to cover it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Actually, most states don’t require it. Last I knew, somewhere around 20 did, though it’s been a couple of years since my insurance class so that may be a skitch out of date. But I’ve never lived in a state that did, any rate.

    2. Coco*

      Oh this sucks. Sorry to hear

      Is there damage to your vehicle? The other vehicle? If the other vehicle sustained damage there should be some trace evidence From the vehicle that did the hitting? Like paint from bumper , plastic from lights, etc

      Hope there are traffic cams that will prove you innocent.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Doorbell cams?

      There should be some damage on your car if their car has any amount of damage. Take pics of your car?

      You say it seems like you were driving by…. can you firm this statement up some how? Were you indeed driving by is that possible? I am wondering why there is doubt in that statement and it’s not a firm statement. Did you loan your car to someone who drove by at that time?

      Cell phone pings are an interesting animal. Did you have your cell on you? They don’t need your cell phone itself to find the pings, just the number.

    4. Anon for this*

      This happened to my parents… and the caller wasn’t the police. Hope you confirmed the officers were legit? Start there if you haven’t.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Nice catch! Bingo.

        It seems that their insurance company should be contacting OP’s insurance company.

    5. Choggy*

      Something here does not seem right. Did the police email you about this? What did they say you needed to do? I would think if you were not involved, there would be no damage to your vehicle so that would be the proof. Was the vehicle make/model described or only the license plate number provided?

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Call your insurance agent and tell them you’re being falsely accused of causing an accident. Your agent should have experience and advice in handling such false claims.
      Photo the front of your car as proof you didn’t hit anything.
      If “the police” call again, ask for their name and number for verification. Ask for the file number of the complaint.
      Sorry. I hope this goes away soon.

    7. Miki*

      Be careful! There are scams like this. They will give you a name, a badge number, a case number, all kinds of things to make it seem legit. They can be very convincing. They might even use a real officer’s identity! If anyone starts to pressure you to meet, to pay a “fine,” that’s a big red flag.

      Don’t call the potential scammers back at the number they call you on or any numbers they provide. Confirm that this is real first – look up the phone number for the police department they are claiming to be from, ask for that officer, or if they’re real but unavailable, ask to confirm that someone really has filed this complaint against you.

    1. fposte*

      I saw last night that he died. When Elijah Cummings died last fall I thought about how hard it was going to be when we lost John Lewis, and it was.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for this reminder to consider what positive things can be done in his memory. And in memory of Elijah Cummings.

      We have lost two great public servants. Hopefully among us are other developing public servants who have not yet attained the same well-deserved level of public recognition. Things are horrible in many places but the current generation of young people gives me hope.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      We have lost giants in the civil rights movement this week – in addition to John Lewis, C.T. Vivian also passed away on Friday. May they both rest in power.

  30. Dipstick's Mother*

    The short version: I feel complicit in my son’s stringing along of his girlfriend. I know some people who post here are women in their twenties – how would you feel if your BF’s mother had been easing off the the communication with you? Can I just decline seeing them when she’s in town? I don’t want to hurt her – If she were my daughter or niece I would tell her she’s ignoring some important red flags in her relationship. But as HIS mother, she’ll probably just think I don’t like her. I think she’s great – for someone else.

    The longer version: My son is 31 and has said he would be happy with or without marriage and family. If he does get married and become a father, he wants one child. GF is 25 and wants marriage and and three children. They have been together two years, and he does not want to commit to marriage because he is waiting for some maturation around things like her attachment to her family and her money handling skills. There are also minor things he just kind of tolerates about her, such as her excessive interest and use of social media, and certain things he finds shallow. In my view she has some fine qualities (she is bright, thoughtful and family-oriented) and he certainly is not perfect, but they are wholly mismatched in some very important ways. (Money and children are huge)

    My son and I talk about every two weeks – we’ve never been the talk everyday types. He lives in NYC and I live about four hours north. So it’s not like we talk about his relationship all the time, but when we do, invariably he will say something uncomplimentary about her. Sometimes it is said in a tolerant way (just stating a fact about something I know he dislikes) and other times it is framed as a complaint. I tell him to break up with her since they’ll never get married; He says “how do you know?” and my response is that a 31 year-old man who has been with someone for two years should not be looking for changes in her to determine marriageability. When he says “Not all dating needs to lead to marriage” I say “No, it does not – unless you’re dating someone who has made it clear they want marriage and family, and they want it with you.” Apparently she’s already said things like “I’m not going to wait around forever.” Deep down I do not believe my son will want to marry her and her debt; he has lived very frugally in order to manage his school debt, and I don’t think that ultimately he will want to take hers on since she has not done the same.

    This all used to simply annoy me and make me sad that I’d raised such a dipstick, but the pandemic has added another level. My son’s roommate left town and my son could have had GF move in with him and ride this out together, but he didn’t want to. Then when NYC shut down, he took an hour subway ride to go see her. (He later told me he knew he’d get “yelled at” so he just went). Since then they spend weekends together at his place, and she goes back to her family’s home afterwards. Stupid. This week my son is in my town staying at his father’s home because his father is paying him to do work on the house. (Both son and GF lost jobs in the pandemic.) He took a bus here (more stupid) and will be staying for three weeks. Then yesterday he tells me that GF is coming for the weekend, and is taking a train. (Stupid again.) They normally stay at my house when in town, but due to my vulnerabilities, they are staying with his father.

    I really let into my son for letting her come here (“she wanted to!”). She is risking her health and more spread just because she is too insecure to be apart from him for three weeks. I am mad at him for not being more self aware and stringing her along, and doing things like letting her travel here when their relationship does not have legs. And I am mad at her for being so dense that she does not see the writing on the wall. When your 31 year-old BF would rather live alone than have you ride out the pandemic with him, and when you’ve been together two years and there are things he wants to change about you, move on! You deserve better! I have asked him straight out if he’d be devastated the way she would if they broke up, and he said no. It’s probably worth mentioning that my son broke up with his first serious GF seven years ago because he knew they would not get married for some reasons that are true about this relationship as well. (Money, lack of independence from family, etc.) I find myself asking WTF happened to that very mature 24 year-old.

    I have felt the last few times they visited that I was allowing her to get comfortable making inroads into his family, which makes me complicit in his dipstick-i-ness, but now I am feeling that even more. I am not sure what to do when she inevitably reaches out to me while here this weekend to have some kind of socially distanced meal together outdoors. I really just don’t want to be in touch with her at all anymore – partly because I am kind of disgusted with both of them, but also because I don’t want to contribute to her feeling she’s close to his family. My son is stringing her along, but that doesn’t mean I have to. Wouldn’t it be kinder for me not to?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If the relationship was making either of them unhappy enough to get out of it, they would. Trust me, I’ve been telling my brother (who lives with me) for five months that this is the perfect time to break up with the girlfriend he doesn’t actually seem to even like, because he hasn’t seen her since February, but I keep getting things like “I don’t mind dating her when I only have to see her once every six months!” Which I don’t get from his end, and one of my (many) issues with her is that she’s dumb enough that she doesn’t see the writing on the wall either, but whatever, it’s not my relationship and not my problem.

      So whether your son and his girlfriend want to stay in a relationship that isn’t going to work out long-term is not even a little bit your business – make like Elsa and let it go. But for your end — no, you certainly don’t have to make any effort to stay in contact with her or make arrangements to see her or whatever. If she reaches out to you with an invitation, you can respond that no, that’s not working with your current safety plan, or you can ignore it for a couple hours and “Oh, sorry, just got this – other things going on this afternoon, but you guys have fun.” I mean, I only MET my mother-in-law once during the entire time my husband and I were dating, cohabitating, engaged, so there’s certainly no obligation that you should be good buddies with anyone he dates if you don’t want to. (She passed away right after our wedding.)

    2. Come On Eileen*

      I guess my best advice is – enjoy your moments with her if you enjoy her as a person, knowing full well she might not be around forever. Don’t try to predict the future too much or base your actions on what if. I split up with my boyfriend last August after 2.5 years together. We got along great, I really loved his family, but we had big life picture items where we knew we weren’t compatible in a forever sort of way. When we did finally split up, it was hard – both because I missed him and because I really loved his family members. But that’s just life. It’s hard and messy and you form attachments that don’t always last. I miss them still, they’re great people. But I’m glad they didn’t treat me any differently or disengage with me. That would have hurt quite a bit.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        I’m sorry about your break-up; that sounds so hard. Thank you for weighing in, and being hurtful to her is what I’m worried about so I appreciate your response.

    3. The German Chick*

      You sound too invested in this relationship. Do the right thing and be friendly, warm and polite while keeping pandemic-appropriate social distance. Anything else may just drive them further apart from you, not from each other.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am answering as someone’s kid, because that is my life experience. I don’t have parenting experience.

      Please step back. Seriously. Take a deep breath and step back from all this. They are adults leading adult lives. My heart broke each time I saw the word “stupid” written here. I have been on the receiving end of this and I know how much it hurts. You are saying he does not respect himself, but it looks like you don’t really respect him either. And it seems that you might not respect his GF either.

      Please find ways to put distance between yourself and the problems you mention here. As it stands now you are actually pushing him toward her, not away from her. I suspect if you want the relationship to end, you should go neutral or bland on the whole discussion. Become disinterested.

      FWIW, I think your only obligation to her is to treat her with the same level of respect that you treat everyone. That is all you owe her. I feel really bad for your son where you say she can do better than him and should move on. Daughters have their first learning experiences about men from their fathers. Likewise with sons and mothers. Your son is having some learning experiences about women from watching you here. Are you showing him what you actually want him to learn? Are you sure that he is not having unintended learning experiences?

      Please start by deciding not to call your son names anymore and see where that takes you.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        I’m sorry someone called you names. I am not a name-caller, and I’m not sure where you got that impression. I can refer to a choice my son made as “stupid” here, or say here that he’s being a dipstick without saying those things to his face. I think your whole response is colored by the fact that someone called you names. Sorry that was done to you.

        1. Ramona Q*

          You also called his girlfriend “dense.” Name-calling doesn’t burst into being only when you are saying it to someone’s face. You are absolutely calling two people names in this space, when, as other folks have written, you should disentangle yourself from your over-investment in their adult choices.

          1. Dipstick's Mother*

            I’m sorry, but someone who is of the opinion that my posting GF is “being dense” is the same as my calling her dense to her face, does not hold a lot of sway with me.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            Wait, that’s not name-calling. That’s just using an adjective. I do think this poster should be disentangled from the son’s relationships but from this comment it sounds like your definition of name-calling may actually just be “describing anyone with terms that have negative connotations” and that’s not the same thing. It kind of undermines what would be a valid point about actual name-calling.

            1. Dipstick's Mother*

              For me, it undermines any point about my needing to “disentangle” from my son’s relationship. I am far from tangled (which has been spelled out in a lot of other responses here so I won’t do that here) but I really can’t see myself having a conversation about it with someone who classifies any negative statement as “name-calling”. We’re just coming from places that are too far apart, so why would I try?

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      So, as someone who’s not too far in age from your son – you are WAYYY to into this. Please find something else to occupy your time and attention. Your role is to be warm and pleasant and inviting to each and every single one of your son’s partners, regardless if you like them (exception for abuse). That’s it. Your son is an adult, your job is done. If you screwed up raising him, it’s too late to do anything about it.

      1. Aza*

        Yeah. This was my reaction too. The OP knows probably too much info about this relationship and is seeking too much involvement. Time to step back and be pleasant to the girlfriend but not worry about signals- the signals, the relationship, all of it are the son and girlfriend’s purview.

      2. Uranus Wars*

        I see this issue with my brother and mom too, my brother is 29. He is married and she is way involved…but it sounds like this son and my brother both share too much as well!

        I do think, tho, as someone who lived with someone for 7 years (and didn’t get the commitment I wanted) you should treat her as if she were any other girlfriend as long as they are together. I loved my partner’s family, but losing them is part of any relationship. And, honestly, if they have been traveling on public transportation as much as you say that in itself is a reason to not see them.

        I would also add that by not having her move in your son IS showing some maturity. Depending on how long this lasts, and again as someone who lived with someone for 7 years, moving in is a BIG STEP (reasons don’t matter) and it may really lead the GF to think things are moving and marriage is around the corner when it is really not.

    6. I Say This Respectfully*

      I can understand your frustration from seeing a potential trainwreck a mile a way and you wish you had every power to stop it from hurting two people you know. I get it.

      I’m trying to figure out how to say this nicely. I have written several versions because your post hit a nerve but I don’t want Alison to flag my post.

      Please stop what you are doing. This is none of your business, and please don’t say it has become your business because your son has called you and complained about her. Unless there is abuse going on between them, you should let these two adults handle their relationship. And yes, they may want to visit you, and I believe you should treat his girlfriend as best as you can. Don’t ice her out. Don’t be rude. As for outdoor meals in this pandemic, you can use excuses like you’re uncomfortable with the pandemic or that it is too hot out right now. But do not be rude. If your attitude has changed towards her since the last time she has seen you, guaranteed she’ll sense it. She might ask your son about your changed attitude and he’ll make an excuse for you. She might overlook it for the time being, but then if other things start to go south and you’re involved with any of it, she’ll believe you to be in cahoots with him about the break up for however long it would have taken.

      And then that’s where the “Mama’s Boy” label will come about for him. Actually, with your post here, I already have him there. He might be financially and physically independent from you, but he isn’t emotionally (and yet you seem to criticize her for not being independent from her family). I’m not saying he shouldn’t love you as a parent, but if he is running to you and you’re becoming too invested in his relationships, then you’re becoming the third wheel. If he gives you the power now – if he hasn’t already with the first one – to interfere one way or another, then you’ll feel more comfortable with the next one too. Let’s say though she marries your son, how invested into their marriage will you be? Will you be judging them? Will you criticize their parenting skills if they do have a child?

      I unfortunately dated a “Mama’s Boy” and that didn’t go down well. The mother very heavily influenced her son, and they both admitted as to how she drove other women he dated away, including a former fiance. Don’t let him give you that power, and try to be Switzerland.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        Thanks, and for what it’s worth I was not planning to ice her out. Yes, I am miffed at the two of them now for being irresponsible Covid-wise, but I would never be rude to her. I truly like her and I feel bad for her in all of this.

        I know you took a long time to type this out, and I blame myself here since I must have miscommunication about my son, but my son is the antithesis of a Mama’s Boy! He is aloof to a fault (that is among the “not perfect” things I mentioned in my OP. And did you see where he said he would not be devastated if the relationship ended? That’s part of his aloofness.) I have often joked that raising him was more like having a cat than raising a kid, and people laugh but it’s true. From the time he was a toddler, he was fiercely independent – did not even want to be hugged or comforted if he hurt himself. His coming to me with his relationship complaints is a new thing, as he really never came to me with any problems in life at all. Honestly, maybe that’s part of my latching on to this as a thing to be concerned about.

        Before I got to your last paragraph, I could tell you’d been involved with a Mama’s Boy. I must have made it seem like my son has been coming to me his whole life, and about every woman he’s dated. Far from it. But your post did make me think that part of my investment here is that he’s talking to me NOW.

    7. Koala dreams*

      As a woman somewhat older than your son’s girlfriend: I don’t think parents should tell their children what to do in their relationships (to break up, to get married, to move in together). You need to back up and let them decide. If they want a long distance relationship, that’s their choice, and they’ll find out if they like it or not eventually. It seems like your son has got stuck in a bad habit of complaining every time he speaks to you, and I think it’s fine for you to say that you can’t be a listening ear for his venting about his girlfriend anymore, and that you don’t have the emotional bandwith for that. In my experience it’s a common problem with people who like to complain about their partner/spouse. They don’t realize that their constant venting makes it look like they are unhappy with the relationship. Weird, but it is what it is.

      As for the meal, it sounds like both the son and the girlfriend is doing more trips than you are comfortable with considering the pandemic. My advice would be to stick to short skype/zoom coffee meetings, and not meet up in person.

    8. Aza*

      I would also stop having such in depth conversations with your son about his relationship. It’s hard if he brings it up, but I’d change the topic and offer non-committal comments. Be politely uninteresting about it.

    9. Washi*

      “This all used to simply annoy me and make me sad that I’d raised such a dipstick.”

      I’m wondering if this is the real issue – that you feel like you’ve failed as a parent for your kid to act like this. Are you maybe getting emotionally overinvolved because it feels like his choices are a reflection on you and if you fix his behavior, you can feel like a good parent again? You seem to feel a lot of responsibility to fix what seems like a fairly common relationship issue, and I would do some reflection on why that is, and whether it’s more about your feelings than about your son and his GF.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        Oh, I make no bones about the fact that I am invested because it’s hard to see him being “a bad person”. But I don’t think of it as a reflection on me, or I want to fix it so I can be a good parent again. I just want him to behave better!

        1. Alex*

          I don’t think he is being a “bad person.” He is in a relationship that he’s not ready to get out of, for whatever reason. If she wanted to get married to him right now, she could tell him, and they could work that out together–by breaking up, by getting married, or by deciding that they are going to continue on together while not being on the same page about that. It’s not your role to decide that they should pee or get off the pot. They will pee or get off the pot when they are ready.

          Now, it is just your job to be kind to guests of your son. Your kindness speaks for itself, regardless of where their relationship ends up. You aren’t helping leading anyone on by being kind to this girl.

          1. Washi*

            Yes, this is part of what I mean – I don’t see anything so bad happening! Half my friends at this point have been in a relationship where one person wants more of a commitment than the other, often for way longer than two years. I’m sure it’s frustrating to watch, but the language used is just really…intense.

            Just be a normal amount of nice to the GF and don’t say things like “can’t wait for you two to have kids” and you’ll be fine.

          2. Dipstick's Mother*

            Of course it’s not my role to decide. Parents remain invested in the choices their adult children make that impact their long term happiness, whether they let on that they’re invested or not. But not because it’s their role to decide – it’s clearly not!

            On the question of whether or not he’s a “bad person”, I understand what you’re saying, but if he knows deep down he’ll never marry her, and she’s made it clear that’s what she wants (she has) then he kind of sucks. He’s not just a person who doesn’t want to end the relationship for whatever reason.

    10. Generic Name*

      To put it bluntly, you need to butt out of your adult son’s life. If you don’t like him complaining about her to you, please say so. You are well within your rights to say, “Son, I love you, and I want you to be happy. I’ve already given you my thoughts on this, so I’d like you to stop bringing up your relationship to me”. Or whatever. But you can’t make your grown son and his adult girlfriend end their relationship. It’s their life, and they get to make their own mistakes.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        Telling him to stop talking about it is a good idea. I actually had a similar convo with my mother who could not stop complaining about her building’s management, but wouldn’t do anything about it. I finally said “I am not the audience for this if you won’t do anything about it. Don’t talk to me about this anymore.” Well, I said it more nicely that that, but it it worked!

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, I think you can tell him that you just don’t want to hear about his relationship anymore unless he genuinely wants advice. You can say you’re frustrated by his complaining and it’s coloring your opinion of him (true!). You want to have good opinions about your son! It’ll be 100% better if you just don’t hear about it.

    11. Anon for this*

      Whoa, everyone piling on here! LW, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you are being intrusive and I appreciate you thinking about this girl’s feelings-though I don’t think ‘freezing her out’ would be the right way to handle it at all.

      Regarding the ‘butt out of your son’s life’ comments – I get the impression that most of what you say here is your private thoughts, only some of which are shared with your son. Moreover, he talks to you about his relationship, which means that some back and forth on the subject is both allowed and expected. If he made it clear to you that he didn’t want to discuss it, it would be a different story.

      And, frankly, you have a point. He is sort of stringing her along. I’m glad you’ve pointed this out to him!

      BUT – relationships are about timing as much as they are about values, needs and compatibility. Your son is 31 and the gf is only 26! She is very, very young and has plenty of time to meet someone else and have kids, if that’s what she decides she wants. I very much doubt that she would let your son string her along until age 45 and she’s missed her window for bio children. Who knows, if they make it to the point where your son is 35 and she’s 30, maybe your son will feel ready, she’ll have resolved some issues, whatever, and maybe they will get married. But I really think this is a situation where time will tell.

      In the meantime, I think you be totally normal around this who girl you like, tell your son what you think without harping on it, and be vigilant you don’t catch Covid from these careless people!

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        Yes, most of what I laid out here are my private thoughts. Thanks for picking up on this. I also think that it’s just a general pitfall of describing a situation in one long post that actually has been thought about and/or discussed in real time over a period of months. Things can seem more intense and concentrated than they are. And I also solicited opinions from an age bracket that may not see this kind of investment from their own parents, but in my view (see my last post below) most just hide it better! There is no switch to turn off to stop being invested in choices your kids make that will impact their happiness. Just ask my 88 year-old mother!

        Your point about timing is well-taken, and it could all work out as you say a few years from now. I will try to remind myself of this when I worry that if they do not become more compatible they likely to consider staying together the path of least resistance!

    12. The outtakes*

      Speaking as a 28 year old woman – you are way too invested here. If I was her, I’d find your level of involvement creepy and unhealthy, and it would be a major red flag. Literally none of this is any of your business, besides whether you have a meal with them. If you want to go to lunch/dinner, go. Other than that, please find yourself sonething else to fixate on. This isn’t helpful, healthy or normal.

      1. Dipstick's Mother*

        Please read my last comment below. My level of investment is not what you seem to think it is, but even the level it’s at is more “normal” than you probably realize.

    13. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m your son’s age, I speak to my mom a lot more often and still she doesn’t have as clear an insight into my relationship as you think you have into your son’s. I hope you’re considering you might be projecting and assuming a bit.
      Either way, you being distant with her won’t change anything – beyond how highly your son and his GF think of you, that is. If my BF’s mother acted coldly toward me, I’d just think how rude, and certainly not see it as kind.
      Hold your hand ready for her to take if needed, don’t grab her arm. And please don’t operate under the assumption you know better than them. That’ll push them away from you, not from each other.

    14. Dipstick's Mother*

      I appreciate the responses, thanks everyone.

      One thing I forgot before I posted is that adults and young adults who have relationships with their parents often don’t realize that their parents have opinions about their life choices that they don’t share with them. To those of you in this category, know that your parents very much have opinions and are invested in your choices. Often those opinions are not shared because parents of adults know opinions might be unwelcome, or that you’d rather hear from your friends than from us, or that our simply having opinions unintentionally sends the message we still think of you as children. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have those opinions, don’t share our concerns with each other, our peers, or as in this case, strangers on the internet! You don’t stop being invested as a parent because your child grows up – you just learn to temper your remarks if you want to have an adult relationship with your adult child. Today I wrote a concentrated amount about opinions shared with my son a handful of times over a period of months when he’s raised the topic. But – probably just like many of your parents – I think about this stuff more than that. This is normal for parents of adults, trust me.

      All that said, the real irony here is that my son’s GF thinks it’s strange and potentially problematic that he and I can go weeks without talking (she talks to her mother between 1 and 3 times a day when she’s NOT living at home) but the commentariat seems to skew that I’m overly involved!

      1. Ethyl*

        I mean, I think it’s worth examining why just about everyone who responded thinks you are overinvested in your adult son’s adult relationship with another adult. I don’t think you will, though, because you seem really resistant to what everyone is saying.

        1. Dipstick's Mother*

          I mean, have you read all the responses? Mine and those of others? I mean, it seems not.

          1. Ethyl*

            So you don’t actually want advice then, just a bunch of people telling you you’re right? This may be the wrong place for that.

            1. Dipstick's Mother*

              Again, read the other comments and my replies to them. I can’t see engaging with someone who clearly has not done that. Or who starts a post, sentence or paragraph with “I mean …” You are begging not to be taken seriously. Thankfully most people were more thoughtful than this, both positive and negative.

              Not that I was looking for a bunch of people telling me I’m right, but “this may be the wrong place for that”?! Come on, you can find that here every day of the week, multiple posts a day!

              1. Quandong*

                Wow. I agree with Ethyl and she has made valid points which I recommend you reflect on in future.

                It’s regrettable that you are pushing back about advice or comments you don’t like, to the point you make judgemental statements about people based on their use of grammar. I think you will find many thoughtful posters opt out after seeing how you are reacting.

                Good luck with this approach.

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I start sentences with “I mean” all the time. So do plenty of thoughtful people. It’s not a reason not to take someone seriously.

                Please do not ask for advice here and then be combative when people offer it to you. I am closing this subthread.

      2. ...*

        You’re maybe mentally over involved in thinking about it perhaps. It sounds like they aren’t a match. When it reaches a breaking point their relationship will end and they’ll both probably move on. Just sounds like it doesn’t really jive for them. Many of us have been there.

      3. I Say This Respectfully*

        Thank you for your reply.

        Yes I understand that parents have opinions about their children, no matter the age or the issue at hand. My father, for example, is keeping quiet yet is uneasy about me living with my boyfriend. I semi-moved in with him during this pandemic, and my father was always of the mindset that people don’t move in with each other until they are married (that was a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude from him). I can appreciate where you are coming from.

        However, from your answer here, I sense a little bit of defensiveness. And that’s okay. We can understand that you have your own private thoughts, but I think those private thoughts will bubble to the surface through your words and actions. They kind of already are since you took the time and energy to write this. For whatever reason, I believe you have something against this girlfriend, and no matter what she does, it won’t be good enough for your son. You keep attacking how she is with her family. So what? There can be a valid reason or maybe she does have an unhealthy relationship with her own family. And just like you judging her and her family, she is judging yours with the whole “well she says it is strange and potentially problematic that he and I can go weeks without talking.” Are you in a contest for who has the more “normal” relationship with family communication? That reminds me of how my ex’s mother tried to “compete” with my father via me as to who had the worse case of cancer!!

        It is very clear you are coming on here to see who will validate your concerns. I’m in agreement that this relationship isn’t going to last, and I hate to say that about two people I do not know. I would never want someone to say it about me. But my reasons for it are not the same as yours. I think their relationship is quickly growing a third wheel – you. I hope I’m wrong.

        And really, I would be upset if you were my mother. You can’t even give your son a fake name on here. You have to call him Dipstick?

        1. Dipstick's Mother*

          OK, your last line made me laugh but you are right. I am concerned that he is being a crappy boyfriend and partner which is where that came from, but I could have seen how it would come across. I appreciate your pointing that out.

          Some of what you have written has merit, but maybe not for the reasons you think. For example, when I point out how frequently she talks to her mother it’s because I know her dependence on her family is a problem for HIM – one that he has brought up to me, and one that contributed to the end of another relationship. So it’s not a matter of her not being good enough in my eyes, but it’s hard to hear this from him and know that she’s not doing anything wrong and it just points to an incompatibility. Me? I’d gladly talk to my son more often, but that’s not who he is. Quality over quantity.

          There’s no reason to be concerned about me being a third wheel; as I told you, he’s aloof to fault. You’ve made some valid points, but your I think your previous experience with an interfering mother is coloring your view here. I know it’s easy to read a whole wall of words in my OP and think that I go to bed at night having talked to him about this, and wake up in the morning and start texting him about it, but it really is just what I said: We talk every few weeks and it comes up on occasional calls. So a handful of times. It’s on my mind now due to their visit.

          Your point about validation is well-taken, though. I guess it would have been nice to hear from women her age that she really won’t wait around much longer. Do I want better for her? Yes – I like her. But I definitely don’t want my son to be a person who is callously keeping someone from pursuing the life she says she wants. (And let me just preemptively say for others who might be reading this, I know I have no role and I don’t get to decide!)

          1. Epsilon Delta*

            I am your son’s age. When I was in my mid-twenties I had been dating a guy for several years. I very much wanted to get married, he was not so sure even though he wanted a long term/lifelong relationship. I ended up telling him that if he did not propose by such-and-such date, I would propose to him (implication being, either we are getting married or we are breaking up). He proposed, and we have been married for three years now.

            So yes, I do think that younger women are able to be assertive about this, or at least clear on the trade off they are making. I have watched my friends go through similar situations with their boyfriends, but I don’t think any were as direct as me. One ended up married to the guy, the other is not but decided she would rather continue dating him even if marriage is not in their future.

            To your initial question, I have always had a warm relationship with my boyfriends’ mothers and really appreciated that relationship, even when the relationship was clearly coming to an end. I still miss one mom in particular, but she was not a factor in my deciding to break up or not with her son! :)

      4. Koala dreams*

        If you don’t speak that often, it’s even weirder that you think you know better than your son what he and his girlfriend should do. It’s not about the amount of conversations, it’s about the content. Most people are unhappy if they get told that they should break up, even if those people are in the middle of a divorce, let alone if they aren’t. You also seem weirdly judgemental about the distance relationship. I can understand that you are sad that your son doesn’t aspire to marriage, setting up a home and having children, but you can’t put that grief on your son’s shoulders. It’s not bad to want different things in life.

      5. alex b*

        I’m not sure why everybody’s piled on with this “over invested” narrative. Your concerns are legitimate and private, and it sounds like you’re not butting in but rather ruminating.

        I agree with the advice from the commenter “Anon for this” at 12:00pm: I would tell your son clearly what you think but don’t harp on it or tolerate his complaining, and be safe regarding the virus because they’ve been really selfish and, yes, stupid to travel to, from, and around NYC unnecessarily in the past months. I live in NYC; every single day there were advisories not to do that.

        How to treat the girlfriend, which appeared to be the focus of your question… I think I’d go for distancing yourself. If she attaches to you as a kind of maternal figure, it’s going to hurt her even more when this relationship goes south. It seems like you realize that. I would definitely not ostracize her or say anything to her about the State of the Relationship, but I might just be distant and unavailable for bonding. Friendly but not overly so.

        IMO you are coming across like a normal parent with healthy boundaries. You love your adult son but are disappointed, as an observer, with some of his poor behavior. You want both parties in the relationship to fare well. Hopefully Dipstick will shape up his act in whatever way he feels is right. He’s lucky he has a mom who cares but lets him live his own life.

        1. Dipstick's Mother*

          Honestly, I think the “over-invested” comments are coming from people who just don’t realize how common it is for parents to have opinions on their adult children’s relationships and other life choices. Perhaps they have parents who are keeping those opinions to themselves (which I do, too, unless I’m engaged in conversation about it) so they erroneously believe that no one is “over-invested” in their choices. I am trying to speak in general terms here because not everyone has living parents and not everyone has a relationship with their parents, but it’s quite normal for parents to continue to have strong opinions long after their kids are adults. It doesn’t mean we disclose them or think we have a role or get to decide things for our kids, but wanting to see them make good choices and be good citizens of the world is only natural. So yes – I wasn’t expecting the “over-invested” narrative, but I think I get where it comes from.

          I agree with you, and with others who said I should stop providing an audience for my son to air these complaints. As for the GF, she is so close with her mother I don’t think she’d attach to me as maternal, but I don’t want to be regarded as mother-in-law either. I think no overtures is the way to go and just be polite when attention comes my way. Ostracizing her was not on my mind, and I cannot imagine any State of the Relationship conversations either.

          Thanks for weighing in and for the gut check!

          1. Ethyl*

            I don’t think it’s normal to be spending so much time and energy thinking about your adult son and his adult relationship with another adult. Full stop.

            And that’s without getting into all the nastiness in your OP.

            1. Dipstick's Mother*

              Ethyl, how much time and energy am I spending on this? You may need to use your thumb to scroll.

      6. anon for this*

        During my last relationship (ages 24 through 27) I knew my parents had opinions, because they’re my parents and they watched me grow up; I’ve seen them talk about their adult kids’ lives, and I expect them to be discussing it constantly. I had to plead with them for upfront honesty before they shared their views on my relationship, though; they said they were reluctant to meddle. I think all this was appropriate.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Seriously. There are three people in this world that my mother doesn’t like, and I married two of them – but I didn’t know that until after I also divorced them, because I was a grownup and capable of making my own choices without her input. (I did tell her from now on to tell me if she doesn’t like someone I’m involved with, but she desperately adores my current husband, so I think we’re safe.)

    15. RagingADHD*

      I’m closer to your age than your son’s (though I had my kids late, so they’re still young).

      There is an art to listening to someone’s troubles or feelings, without doing damage to your own relationship. You can have opinions, but don’t get too set in them. You have to allow the other person to change and breathe.

      I think you have a very fixed idea of your son, and you’re predicting his future based on this idea.

      But you already have evidence those ideas don’t match up with who your son is – like you said, “what happened to that 24 year old?”

      He got older. He changed. His priorities and plans changed.

      You have to let that happen. He obviously uses his talks with you to process his feelings. You have to let that stuff blow away in the wind – he seems to forget about it immediately, because when you bring it up, he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

      Just be nice and courteous to this woman. That’s all. He might wind up marrying her, or he might not. He might propose and get turned down. You can’t possibly know, so don’t base your actions on hypotheticals.

      Let go of who your son was in the past, and what you think he might do in the future, and be gracious to both of these young folks right now.

    16. Venus*

      If he’s honest with her about what he wants then he’s not stringing her along. They are enjoying each others’ company for a while. I have known some couples who had serious differences and eventually broke up, while others made it work (including kids – those couples tend to decide that they would rather be childless and together). None regret their time together, because they were honest from the start.

    17. Analyst Editor*

      Your son should man up and break up with her, rather than waiting another two years for her to do it, just because he feels comfortable and hates drama.
      You are absolutely right that he is stringing her along; if he loved her and brought her into the family, you would need to butt out on your issues with her; but he doesn’t, and is wasting her own valuable time to get married and have children, even if he doesn’t value good own time in this respect.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        And I’m that respect, yeah don’t nag your son, but he is being a dipstick.

    18. Batgirl*

      I think it’s too frustrating for you to hear about your son’s relationship because you’re more far sighted than him. I agree with you that a lukewarm and distant relationship is going nowhere promising.
      But he’s not a bad guy because he doesn’t have your experience and insight. She’s not desperate because she lacks experience. They both think adding time may help. They’re not done with the wait and see. Only this experience will get them to the answer. You can’t tell them or say you’ve already been there. I would decide to be nice to her while she is experiencing this and I would stop having fruitless, annoying conversations about it with him.

    19. Ronda*

      I have a friend who is having a similar situation with her son.

      She asked him to stop telling her complaints about his girlfriend because it leads to her having bad feelings about his girlfriend. (my friend is one of the nicest people I know, but she doesnt like it when her son is unhappy)

      I suggest that you ask him to do that for you.

      If you can’t get him to stop….. maybe start doing the thing where you ask him what he thinks he should do to help resolve that complaint.

      And try to treat her as if his complaints have no merit. She doesnt sound like the issue here… his complaining sounds like the issue.

    20. eeniemeenie*

      If this was my kid I can see myself similarly venting with my friends the way you have done. We *all* have experienced frustration about a family member’s life choices, even decisions that don’t directly affect us. Simply having that judgment doesn’t make you “over invested.”

      That said, it’s better for your own peace of mind to accept your son’s relationship choices. Based on your post I can see there are glaring red flags in this relationship. You say she’s already warned him she won’t wait around forever- she’s already picked up on his reluctance about marrying her. I guarantee she’s picked up on his dislike of certain aspects of her character. But she has chosen to stay; and so has he. Even if this is a mistake on their part, it’s still their mistake to make.

      What you are describing is not egregious behaviour requiring your active disapproval or distancing from the relationship (e.g., if he were already secretly married with five kids). This fits more under the category of “immature decision making that’s not particularly considerate or kind” on his part. Equally, she is also demonstrating immaturity by staying with a lukewarm boyfriend who won’t commit. You’re not responsible for changing their minds or getting either of them to make better adult decisions – although of course it’s frustrating for you to sit and watch as someone with more life experience. So I don’t see you are being “complicit” with your son’s poor relationship choices by maintaining contact with her or welcoming her into your home.

      This doesn’t mean you *have* to keep in regular contact with your son’s girlfriend, of course – all you should be doing is treat her respectfully when she’s in your presence. If you don’t want to invest your emotional energy in a relationship you predict will end at some point; that’s valid.

    21. sswj*

      You mention somewhere in this thread that your son is aloof. As an aloof and pretty private person myself I would be driven to absolute silence if I though my mother was analyzing my relationship, and her role in it, to this extent.

      My suggestion is you treat the GF as you would if anyone introduced their friend to you. Be polite, be kind. If you really do connect then open up and be friendly. But treat her as her own person and not as Son’s Girlfriend. Their relationship and where it goes is between them until and unless they directly ask for your input or opinions.

      Their relationship is their own work, not yours.

    22. Anon for this*

      I recommend reading up on setting boundaries and letting adults make their own decisions. The best parents of adult children only give their opinion even directly asked.

  31. Ali G*

    What’s cooking everyone?
    I’m cooking up a storm this weekend since we are going out of town in 11 days, so no more grocery shopping until we get back, and I want to use up all our fresh stuff before we go.
    Breakfast today is leftover salmon and veggie frittata. This should feed us breakfast/lunch during the week too.
    Dinner tonight will be ranch steak with salad and potatoes.
    Tomorrow night will be roast chicken and some sort of veg.
    Nothing too exciting but easy and createdsleftovers for quick fill ins during the week.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am going to make butter this afternoon, and probably then soda bread with the resulting buttermilk. :)

    2. GoryDetails*

      It’s going to be hot today, so I have a sesame cucumber salad on the menu for later. (Also a watermelon, for dessert.)

    3. Trixie*

      I have a brand new Ninja grill/air fryer I will be using. I was looking at air fryers (Phillips) but liked this model which my mom purchased. The grilled items taste great and air fryer function is super powerful. Thinking of some marinades for grilled chicken and veggies for salads, grilled corn, and some frozen fish.

      I’m also using my Vitamix for smoothies. May try some frozen spinach instead of fresh which is hard to use before it wilts. Another recipe was sweetened with one or dates plus rich from cashews, thinking I would like that with cardamom.

    4. KristinaL*

      Does baking count? I’m thinking about making brownies, adding oatmeal and maybe chocolate chips.

      1. Amity*

        Yes it does. Those sound delicious!

        I’m going to put a turkey tenderloin in the slow cooker, and baste it with herbed butter (garlic, paprika, maybe some thyme, salt, and pepper). It’s excellent as a main dish or sliced up for sandwiches.

    5. Square Root of Minus One*

      Jarred tomato sauce for this winter. I ordered earlier this week about 10 pounds of 2nd-choice tomatoes (you know, the weirdly shaped or damaged ones that don’t retail) and now I’m peeling the second round (I don’t have a pot big enough to cook it all at once)
      I think it will be all this weekend because my back is starting to hurt ^^

      1. Ali G*

        Do you mind sharing where you got those tomatoes? I would love to do something like that!

        1. saf*

          I get tomatoes like that from my local farm market. Almost all the farmers who have tomatoes offer deals like that.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband has mastered fried dough. I will not be losing weight any time soon.

    7. Nacho*

      I am a very lazy cook, so I pretty much always toss some meat and a simmer sauce in my slow cooker and let it sit for 8 hours. That usually lasts me 6-7 days or so with rice.

    8. I edit everything*

      I have a quart of blueberries to do something with. But I don’t really want to turn on the oven for cobbler or cake. It’s ridiculously hot, and we don’t have AC.

      1. Ali G*

        Maybe ice cream? The Kitchn had a post recently about all the ways to make ice cream without a machine.

      2. Batgirl*

        I love blueberries on overnight oats with Greek yohurt; its a cool ready made breakfast. If I have nice blueberries I’ll freeze them for future breakfasts as they defrost nicely overnight.

    9. Jaid*

      I got some chicken breasts and ground pork, so I’m hoping to at least make Soy Glazed Chicken Breast from the Woks of Life site. I definitely plan on making my multi-grain/pulses breakfast dish and have the grains soaking right now.

      The things I made last weekend worked out wonderfully for freezing and reheating for meals at work, so I hope to keep on doing that.

      1. Parenthetically*

        LOVE a savory dutch baby! We did one with caramelized onions, shards of very sharp aged cheddar, and little nests of thinly sliced ham. So good!

    11. NRG*

      It’s way too hot here to cook. I’m having chilled things from the refrigerator, such as a chicken sandwich from chicken cooked a few days ago. Also frozen yogurt which is regular store bought yogurt put in the freezer.

    12. Chylleh*

      Making chicken enchilada soup Sunday. I found an amazing recipe online that only takes 30 minutes or so to make. You just dump everything into the pot until the chicken is cooked through. Add some cheddar and cream cheese, stir until it is blended through, and you’re done. We have made some alterations to the original recipe, like adding sour cream and less cream cheese with the dairy at the end. We also cook rice with it to make it last even longer. So good.

    13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Its rainy and cool here today so I wanted to take care of a few things on the stove.
      – Cooking up the dried chickpeas soaking from yesterday, to freeze and have on hand
      – Lentil cottage pie for dinner
      – Making up granola with all the odds and ends of nuts and seeds I have laying around in the cupboard so that gets tidied up

      I may also bake up a batch of donuts, we will see.

    14. Ali G*

      Fun Fact: If you have your airfryer on the wrong setting and accidentally blacken the skin of a russet potato when you cook it, it tastes like coffee! Dinner was interesting last night…

    15. Slinky*

      I’ve got (yet another) loaf of sourdough started to bake tomorrow. Later, I’m going to make celery-potato soup. We’re going to toast some leftover rolls and melt brie on them for a side. Later this week, I’m making slow-cooker lamb chili and braised chicken with olive and salami. We’re on day 2 of a 14 day quarantine, so all meals are planned in advance to avoid leaving the house.

    16. Parenthetically*

      I made creamed chicken and biscuits yesterday — pure comfort food.

      This week we’re doing chicken and black bean burritos, a big crunchy salad and midwest goulash (no relation to the actual goulash), a thai-esque noodle salad with peanut sauce, a pumpkin/caramelized onion/whatever greens from the garden/goat cheese pasta thing, and fish and chips.

      But the coup of the weekend prep has been these glorious cookies, which I highly recommend seeking out mixed nut butter for (I got ours at Costco — it’s almond, cashew, pumpkin seed, flaxseed, and chia seed):

      200g brown sugar
      115 g unsalted butter, softened
      125 g mixed nut butter
      1 large egg
      ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
      180 g all-purpose flour
      ½ teaspoon baking soda
      ½ teaspoon salt
      2 tablespoons sugar, or more as needed for coating the cookies

      1. Beat the brown sugar, butter, and nut butter until light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla and beat to combine. Add the flour, baking soda, and salt, and stir just until combined. Cover and refrigerate until firm.

      2. Heat the oven to 350F/175c. Roll the dough into 1-inch balls, coat each ball in sugar, and transfer to a baking sheet, leaving 2 inches between cookies. Press flat in an x with a fork. Bake until the cookies are almost firm and their edges are just golden brown, about 10 minutes.

  32. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Thank you to everyone who gave me special need kitten advice last week. You will probably be happy to know that I still have the kit and she is doing fine. Her trouble with walking was do to injury, not wobbly kitten syndrome, and she is healing nicely. She is still stiff and a bit wobbly, but it doesn’t seem to slow her down much. She is playing, eating and using the litter box well.

    3. nep*

      Oh, that is wonderful news. So happy for you and for kitty. Thanks for loving her and for the update.

      3. Deanna Troi*

        She’s adorable and I love it when dogs and cats are so sweet with each other! Your pupper is the best!

  33. Come On Eileen*

    There was a letter earlier this week from a person whose employer asked them to go to a drug screening. Several of the replies came from people who said things like “I’m petrified and haven’t left my house since March/April except to … check mail, take a walk, etc.” I found this so interesting and wanted to ask about it in the weekend open thread, since “petrified” and “not leaving the house” sound so extreme to me. I understand that COVID is very real, I wear a mask, I do my best to limit my exposure to strangers, I’m not going to bars or big parties or anything like that. I’m being thoughtful and careful. But I’m still living my life, because I have to and because I want to. Which means I do my grocery shopping. I go to my gym, which is holding classes outside. I visit my parents. I will spend time safely with friends who have the same risk tolerance as me. I go to the laundromat and Target and the bakery and get take out. My office is closed so I work from home, and maybe that’s part of what drives my approach to this — I really need and crave connection with other people, and am OK with measuring the risk involved. I’m curious to know what your mindset and approach to the pandemic is right now, as we are months into it — are you still really scared and staying home? Are you venturing out? Are you back to living life the same way? There’s obviously no right or wrong answer, I’m curious how your risk tolerance is driving how much you are out and about in the world right now.

    1. anon4this1*

      I’m concerned but not petrified. I stayed home literally 24/7 just doing online classes from March 14th up until the beginning of May. Then I stayed home except for walking the dog from the beginning of May up until the beginning of June. I likely would have stayed home longer but im moving so I had to go to a different state to find an apartment. When I was at the other state, I only ordered take out and I didnt spend time with anyone. I isolated for two weeks since coming back. Now since I’m moving in less than two weeks, I have been seeing friends to say goodbye. We go for walks outdoors and wear masks when we do.

      I have not been visiting my relatives (parents and brother are out of state for me) or going to the gym or out to eat. I basically only grocery shop, walk the dog, plan my move and stay outdoors when with people. However im actually fine with this. Its super beautiful where I’m currently living so I’m trying to soak in the summer before the move.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Most of my excursions are to pick up takeout. I alternate weeks between grocery delivery and going in myself. I’m not hanging out with friends in person, outside of my husband and brother (both of whom live with me). My husband is going to go next weekend to a gathering of some friends that, based on their Facebook pictures, have not been socially distancing in a manner that I’m comfortable with, so he’ll be living closed in his home office for a couple weeks after that, because I fully expect that he’ll be too close to people, in a small enclosed space, probably none of them with masks on, and probably all of them doing some drinking which will further reduce safe behaviors, but he’s decided that seeing friends he hasn’t seen in six months is worth the self-quarantine, and he’s an adult so that’s his decision. (I’m not bothered by this, I sleep better when he sleeps in his office anyway because he snores and steals the covers :) )

      On the other hand, I worked from home and am generally a super homebody even before this, so I didn’t particularly go out and socialize before. For me the big big issue is that I’ve lost three vacations and a convention due to closures, and that’s driving me bonkers – usually I need a good touristy vacation every 3 months or so to clear my brain, and my last one was at the end of January. I have one scheduled for October, but who knows whether that will be a viable option at that point even.

    3. Lindsay*

      Where I live is not a hotspot, but I am going out with a mask. I have to go to work 5 days a week where I’m exposed to a lot of people, so going to Target isn’t going to make much of a difference either way. I mostly get takeout and have not hung out with any friends or anything. I have not eaten in a restaurant in five months. I keep my distance from others as best I can.

    4. Ranon*

      Well, my area is at “barely not running out of ICU beds” levels of cases so… not feeling great about the risk reward math on extra exposure right now! Groceries every two weeks, curbside takeout once a week, curbside library every few weeks, and daily walks outside in my neighborhood where everyone takes the 6 foot rec and rounds up to “across the street” is working fine for us right now.

    5. Ali G*

      I’m similar to you. I’m in an area that I think handled/is handling it pretty well. Although, as things are opening up we are learning that there are clearly unsafe things to do. I will not dine in or go to a bar, even though I “can”. We have been doing grocery pickup, food delivery, etc. the whole time and will continue to do so. We’ve gone to the liquor store (obvs) and Home Depot. We wear masks when we go out. We are working from home at least until September, but my husband has to go in to his office from time to time, but they are taking precautions so I am not worried.
      We see friends, like you, who are doing it “right” in our mind and are comfortable seeing (typically outdoors, socially distant).
      We are actually going to my parents beach house for a week to see family. Parents will have been there a month, and my sister and her kids will have been there about 10 days by the time we get there. We will stay home and only go to the beach where we can keep our distance from other beach goers. We will probably stay home and not seek anyone out for 2 weeks when we get back to be sure (I’ll do a contactless grocery pickup with a mask).
      The only thing that I have been really bothered by is the stress of going out now. Things I used to enjoy, like grocery shopping or going to the farmer’s market is now stressful to me, and I miss that. As cooking is one of my hobbies, it’s stymied my creativity, which is sad to me. But I’ll survive :)

    6. WellRed*

      I’m living my life, too, masked when I go to the grocery store or what have you. Working from home, not visiting friends though I have eaten a few times in restaurants now they have re-opened with cautions in place. We are in a very low COVID area or I wouldn’t. I think being afraid to literally take a walk outside is extreme and unhealthy but maybe I’d feel differently if I lived in a hotspot.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m probably similar to you, but I also adjust based on what COVID numbers are in my area.

      For the people who say they’re petrified and not leaving the house, etc, I think there’s various situations. One possibility is that they’re exaggerating how restrictive they’re being, intentionally or not. They could be exaggerating the emotional side but are taking not-unreasonable precautions based on the case load, risk factors, etc. Or they could have actually been tipped over into mental illness or worsened mental illness. As well as the spectrum between and around all of these.

      1. Esme*

        One situation you didn’t mention is those of us at higher risk due to physical health problems.

      2. Ramona Q*

        You also didn’t mention the amount of risk and/or death happening in their community. Living in a hotspot is very different than living in a non-hotspot.

      3. WS*

        Or they could be my mum who is in her 70s and has asthma all her life which has tipped over into bronchiectasis. If she catches COVID she is unlikely to survive. She and my dad have been completely isolated and there’s not a huge number of cases in their city compared to most countries. They’re not petrified, but they’re very careful.

    8. cat socks*

      I’ve been grocery shopping and volunteering once a week at the animal shelter, always masked. Masks are now required in most cities in my area. I’ve stopped by my parent’s house to drop off groceries for them and I’ve had a meal in their home a couple of times. Thankfully I’m not high risk so I feel okay going out and doing these activities.

      I’ve gotten carryout food, but I don’t feel comfortable dining out in a restaurant yet.

      My brother-in-law has stopped by our house a few times, but he just walks around back to the deck.

      I’ve found that my life post-covid isn’t that much different than before other than working from home full time. I’ve definitely been feeling more alone and isolated.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I live alone and do not have endless resources to just order things and have them shipped to me. I have my own home and a dog that I am responsible for also. Additionally there are several people I have been checking on. They are telling me that they are glad that I do.

      I can’t tell you what I would do in a hot spot or how differently I would act. I can tell you that I kept working and I kept going to the grocery store and gas station. Now that we are more open, I am still limiting my activities in the same way I have been. So this is kind of surreal because I went out when it was not a thing and now I am still avoiding groups although others around me have no issue. On the surface I appear not to be going with the flow that well even though I have a bunch of masks and sanitizer.

      I guess I would call it cautious practicality and even as the situation loosens up I am still being cautious and still being practical. I have to do some things. But I do not take unnecessary trips or put myself in concentrated groups. For example, I grocery shop early, after the senior hour, but before everyone else gets there.

      I think my biggest upset is thinking of what others are going through and my heart aches for people. We are not a hot spot here. And because we are so rural if we ever became a hot spot that would be because there were even bigger problems going on.

    10. Esme*

      I’m clinically vulnerable. I get food shopping delivered. There isn’t anything I want to do that’s worth it right now.

    11. OtterB*

      I’m 62 and diabetic, so I’m cautious but not petrified. I’m also pretty much of a homebody anyway. I am 100% wfh now, with no end in sight, and I’m mostly okay with that. My husband has an essential job and is now a mix of wfh and going in when he needs to get his hands on equipment or supervise a contractor doing something. My daughter with intellectual disabilities lives with us. Her job is on a cleaning crew at the public library and she was off from mid-March to mid-June. When the library staff went back to work a few weeks ago so did she; our libraries are still doing only curbside pickup so not many people are in the building. My main concession there is that I am driving her to and from work instead of her taking public transit, and I don’t see changing that soon. Her work group used to have social activities after work (bowling, a walking club, out to lunch, etc.) but those are canceled for the forseeable future.

      All of us wear masks whenever we’re out of the house and not in our car, except my husband doesn’t wear one while he’s running. We wash hands thoroughly when we come back.

      Since mid-March I haven’t been inside anywhere but the grocery store, the drugstore, one doctor visit for me (needed blood drawn; the followup was a telehealth visit), one for my daughter, and a dentist and two endodontist visits for my daughter, who needed a root canal. I have loosened up a little; the first month or so I tried really hard not to make more than one grocery trip a week. I’m more flexible now about, darn, we’re out of yogurt, I’m going to run in and get some. I’m also getting carryout food several times a week, probably more days a week than I did originally.

      Our church has reopened with limitations, but I’m still watching livestream mass and not ready to return in person, though I miss it.

      The outside connection I miss most is my women’s chorus, but since group singing is a high-risk activity we don’t know when we’ll get together again.

      A few weeks ago my husband started meeting some running friends again on Saturday mornings for a run, then picking up coffee and a bagel and chatting afterward. They are wearing masks into the coffee shop and eating outside, and social distancing.

      1. OtterB*

        Forgot, someone below mentioned a haircut. I did take my daughter for a haircut before she went back to work; she and the stylist were masked the whole time. And I have an appointment for a haircut for myself tomorrow. I have a big virtual work event next week. Probably I’ll just be hanging around in the background on zoom and no one will see me anyway but I don’t feel right being so scruffy for it. If cases were still rising in my area I’d skip it but they are dropping or at worst stabilizing.

    12. Nicole76*

      I’m currently unemployed so I spend the majority of my time inside other than walking the dog. Husband works from home half the week and has to go into an office the other half, but there aren’t a lot of people in the building and they stay distanced. He and one other person wears a mask, but a few do not (his company isn’t requiring it and they don’t work with the public).

      We go out at non-peak time for groceries and home improvement items and get take out 1-2 times a week, usually on the weekends. Neither of us feel comfortable eating inside a restaurant, and sitting outside in the heat is not appealing.

      We always wear our masks, wash our hands, and sanitize items purchased from the store. We haven’t socialized in person since this all began and have no plans to do so in the immediate future.

    13. MissGirl*

      I’m at your level. I’m still living my life with added protections. My friends and I go hiking but drive separately. One thing I haven’t done is travel. That just doesn’t sound fun right now.

    14. Nita*

      We were petrified in March. I wore a mask to go into the hallway to take out the garbage. It was really, really bad here and we had good reason to be scared. I can see that level of fear making sense in areas that are seeing rising cases now, especially in big cities where you cannot stay away from people no matter where you go.

      1. Suburbanite in Blue State*

        So many of the tenants in my building refuse to wear masks that I definitely believe in masks and hand sanitizer for going to the trash chute or laundry room. I have more than once refused to get in the elevator with someone not wearing a mask.

        I had to go to doctors twice (blood work, shots, eye tests) and the lawyer and village hall (selling property). Everyone was being very careful: village hall actually had someone on door duty, checking masks.

        At 67, with high blood pressure and breathing issues, I am simply not going inside grocery stores, though I miss browsing. I’ve been to a few small shops, everyone masked and social distancing — actually, only once was there another shopper at the same time. I felt very nervous the one time I went to Costco; otherwise I’ve been strictly curbside pickup for Target, Mariano’s, Meijer’s and the library. The Post Office was a nightmare, but when was it not? I really want a “Back the F@ck Off” shirt.

        I don’t mind driving places, getting curbside pickup or drive-through food, but we won’t be eating in a restaurant yet awhile. I definitely miss my monthly brunch bunch and quilting bees, but I’d miss breathing more.

    15. Can I get a Wahoo?*

      Today I had my first non grocery store outing in 5 months–a haircut where I was the first person in the salon and they took my temperature first thing. Otherwise, I’ve only been grocery shopping every 1.5 weeks and seeing friends I trust at the local park. I don’t go anywhere without a mask, even taking a walk outside. I am not high risk, but I don’t trust that others are being as responsible as I am to risk even a Target run (lord do I miss Target though!)

    16. tangerineRose*

      Some people are in high risk groups, so I get why they’d be scared.

      I rarely go into stores; when I do, I bring hand sanitizer and wear a mask and change clothes when I get home. I usually get curbside takeout. I’ve seem my family, but we met outside and socially distanced. I social distance with neighbors. There’s a LOT of stuff I’m not doing now that I used to do.

    17. Morag*

      I go out, wearing a mask, to get groceries or to take a socially distanced walk with a friend once a week. That’s it. I’m in Scotland, where we’re on day ten of no CoVid related deaths, but I’m still being super careful. So are my friends and family.

      If I was in the US I’d be petrified. Here I’m merely anxious. But either way, I wouldn’t consider going out any more than I am.

    18. Senor Montoya*

      I’ve been in the house and out for doctor and PT appts (and a brief stint in the hospital) for the last two months. That’s an injury issue…

      Before that, I had not been inside a store since the end of March. Groceries: order online, curbside pickup. Hardware store, same. I went to the farmers market weekly but I went right when they opened (very early) and it is set up for maximum social distancing, vendors wear gloves and masks,etc. I took walks around the neighborhood. I stopped in at my office every so often and chatted with coworkers out on the street, a couple carlengths apart. I picked up takeout if the restaurant offered curbside. I did not attend any outside-socially-distanced parties. Basically, until I had to go the hospital my risk was near zero. Every place I have to go now is scrupulous about masks. PT is not distant so my risk is up with that activity.

      My spouse plays tennis and does outside socializing with friends, proper distancing etc. So he’s pretty low risk too.

      If I were able bodied right now, I’d be doing what I did before. Much as I would love to get my hair cut, go to the gym, hang with friends — I love not being sick, permanently disabled, or dead so much more.

      I feel very fortunate that I *can* keep myself safe, and that (when I am once again able to get out and about) I live in a safe and pleasant neighborhood I can walk and bike in.

    19. Pippa K*

      I’m in an area where the cases are still relatively few but starting to rise quickly. We run errands like grocery shopping and Target, masked, but we don’t eat in restaurants and you wouldn’t get me into a gym at gunpoint. That’s where our risk tolerance has settled for now, but circumstances could shift it, of course. God, I miss normal life – especially travel.

    20. Aurora Leigh*

      We’re low risk so we have done in store grocery shopping every 2-3 weeks. We felt we should have the pickup timeslots for people that really need them. We went to Home Depot for gardening stuff. We get pizza from the local place. I had to go back to work June 1st and he has had to go to work throughout (makes sense for his job. Not so much for mine.) We wear masks at work and in stores. We’ve been more cautious than most of our coworkers as we’re in a rural area and there have not been a lot of cases. Numbers are headed back up though. We have seen some local family outdoors, but no hugging and staying 6ft apart. In outdoor areas we have been more lax with masks.

      That said, we’re quarantined this weekend as we’re waiting for my husband’s COVID test results to come back. Not sure he has it, but he has something with flu like symptoms. It sucks because so many people around us refuse to mask even though our state requires it.

    21. lazy intellectual*

      The only thing I really started doing was visiting a couple of friends one-on-one – mostly outdoors and every two weeks. We are all pretty isolated otherwise – WFH, grocery deliveries, only working out at home, etc. and plan on continuing to do so. None of us are going to restaurants, salons, or beaches or anything like that. And of course, we take mask-wearing protocol very seriously. Unfortunately in the US, I think COVID is here to stay until 2021 at the very least, and 100% isolation for single people not living with partners is not super sustainable.

    22. Teacher’s Wife*

      I live in a hotspot. I ate in two sit-down restaurants before our governor opened everything too soon, and the numbers shot up. It’s super hot here, so I try to limit my trips to Target and Costco (I try to hit both in the same day). I mask up even though it wears me out. We cook a lot and get takeout on occasion. I am high risk about three times over so I’ve been pretty cautious. Our son, daughter-in-law, and their kids are part of our extended bubble, along with DIL parents and my brother-in-law. My husband resigned from his teaching position yesterday, as he will be 65 next month. I don’t think he will be the last to do so.

    23. Koala dreams*

      I couldn’t manage not leaving the house for months, considering how I live. (Living situation, finances, health problems and so on.) It’s great if people manage, I guess, but I’m not going to stress out about not being able to. Life is stressful enough anyway. I did manage to order some stuff from places that deliver directly from their warehouses without a store in between, so I feel that’s a win.

      It’s sad to hear about people being petrified to venture outside. I mean, there’s a difference between avoiding public transport because you know it’s the right thing to do, and avoiding it because you are petrified. Life is not back to as it were, and might not get there for a long way, but there’s a big difference between “before times” and “being petrified all the time”. I try to not give after for the fear, because I have a history of mental health issues and I know how bad it is for me.

    24. Square Root of Minus One*

      I live in a foreign country that is nowhere close to the US’ situation, but I’m mostly staying in now because I hate wearing masks.
      Really, I do. I don’t want single-use (zero waste), washable ones are hard to come by, expensive, and uncomfortable. Single-use is even more expensive…
      Also, I don’t like the atmosphere outside. People are either tense or openly not-caring, you have to think about disinfecting all the time… It’s electric, it eats at me. Only at home can I truly forget Covid is there.

    25. Alex*

      I’m the same as you. I wear a mask, I wash my hands, I go to the grocery store and any other store that I want to buy something from. I’ve done some other activities where I have worn a mask and mostly stayed 6 feet from people. I don’t attend keggers. But then again, I didn’t ever attend keggers.

      I live alone, and frequently spend time with my closest local friend, in my house, not socially distanced from each other. She has one or two other people in her life from whom she is not socially distanced. When our area was in a surge of cases, we didn’t do this, but as stuff has opened up a little, we felt that it was OK to see one or two people.

      And even during the surge, I didn’t really feel scared, more like, I wanted to do the right thing and follow the recommendations for the good of the community. That said, my parents want me to come visit them, and they are elderly with numerous health problems that put them at extremely high risk. I don’t think my current level of tolerance is appropriate for their needs, and have refused to see them. (They are extremely angry about that. Oh well.)

    26. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      It’s interesting reading everyone’s perspectives. We are in a state that’s done well with reducing cases and a phased re-opening, so I’m definitely much less panicky than back in March/April/May. I’m still wfh, husband is on a leave to help with our daughter, who is high-risk and disabled. In the last month or so, we’ve started shopping for groceries at stores that follow strict protocol, gotten one haircut each at a friend’s salon, ordered out for pizza, and done outdoor socially distanced visits with our adult children and parents. We’ve also had several dr’s appointments that were necessary to be in person. We have vacation planned at the beach next month in another low-cases state but plan to stay mostly in our cottage and do early morning/late afternoon walks on the beach and no dining out. My husband cancelled a long-awaited cross-country trip to a National Park.
      Things we still won’t do now or in the foreseeable future: restaurant dining of any kind, outdoor activities where there might be large groups (even if socially distanced), having people in our home or going into the homes of others, any non-essential shopping (but boy do I miss my Saturday Target strolls!), going to the gym, traveling anywhere we might need public restrooms (I bought a portable camp toilet in March. Everyone laughed at me. Now they all think I’m a genius lol!). We haven’t made any decisions about school programs for our daughter this fall, although we did let her do a socially distanced walk with a friend for the first time.
      We also watch the data pretty closely and would go back to more strict quarantining if they go up.

    27. ...*

      I think I’m doing similar to you.

      Things I do: Outdoor workouts, outdoor gatherings with friends (smaller groups/distancing), outdoor bbq with small group of friends and family (6 people was last time) dog walks to the park, take out meals, haircut/color (salon fully masked and temp checks), have eaten at 1 patio dinner (masks required inside, temp checks to enter), will be doing a nail salon in 2 weeks (limited capacity, masks required), target/walgreens/grocery shopping, pet store (all of these are masks required)

      Things I am not doing: Indoor dining, indoor bars, hanging at friends houses inside, indoor yoga classes (my studio is doing classes with limited sizes and masks required I am on the fence here, yoga is extremely important to me), traveling with people outside my household beyond a short car ride, facials (and I’m so sad about this but I dont feel comfortable breathing unmasked onto the facialist

      Hope that helps provide you with some insight!

      1. ...*

        I guess I should reference that im in a state that does not have low cases nor a spike. We’ve had a slow burn of steady cases. Also that while we were shelter in place for 2.5 months, we totally followed the rules, and I wasn’t doing any of the above stuff, at all, and we didn’t even grocery shop together (me and my fiancé) to try to limit people in stores

    28. knead me seymour*

      I think it’s really hard to make comparisons because the situation varies a lot depending on where you live, your health, your job, and other variables. I’m very fortunate to live in an area with excellent public health leadership, so I’m pretty comfortable basing my decisions on the official recommendations, although I am more cautious than the average person in my area, I think. I have a couple of friends who I see (while keeping our distance) and I go for walks and bike rides, but I don’t have any interest in going to restaurants or to the movies, even those are open for us now.

    29. fhqwhgads*

      So until about two weeks ago, locally a lot of the stuff you describe doing would be against local regulations. We were asked to literally only go out for necessities like food or healthcare. No gyms, not even outside. Local authorities begging people not to visit with those outside their households unless everyone is masked and at a distance and outside, but really they were beginning people not to try to gather in distanced ways anyway, since there have been repeated outbreaks from at-someone’s-house gatherings that the participants intended to be distanced and masked, but really weren’t, because eating and people being bad at guesstimating distances.
      Anyway, point is, whether I’m “petrified” or not (and I’ll admit I kind of am because I am multiple kinds of high-risk), I don’t need to go out more than every three weeks. Things I would’ve gone to Target for in the past I can have delivered, or do a contactless curbside pickup. Ditto groceries. I’ve gotten takeout twice in four months. I really am trying to limit my contact points as much as possible. It’s the only thing I can do, not only for me, but for others.
      It also sounds like my tolerance for not going out is a lot higher than yours. I’ve worked from home for a decade so that’s not a reduction in my human contact. I’ve also found that on the rare occasions I do go out, even if I felt pretty secure in the risk level when I started, every time I’ve ended up seeing so many people so clearly not taking this at all seriously that by the time I’m done with whatever errand my anxiety about being out is WAY higher than when I left the house, which then makes it easier for me to not go out again soon because at that point I genuinely don’t want to.

    30. Gatomon*

      I’m lowering my outside contact again since cases are spiking horribly locally. I’m not super concerned for my own health but I am worried about spreading the virus myself and what is to come in August and onward.

      Work refuses to rollback to full WFH, and coworkers are making bad decisions, so I’m pretty upset about that since that’s my biggest risk right now since I live alone. Otherwise, I’m starting to use grocery pickup and ordering online whenever I can now that capacity seems to have increased – I wanted to leave that option open for those at higher risk before. I never started going back to bars or restaurants, mostly all I’ve done is meet a friend in the park for walks.

      I’m introverted and have a lot of indoor hobbies for health reasons, so this isn’t super hard for me. I really feel for anyone struggling through this right now though. There was a point in March where I was barely functioning with the anxiety until I was able to get a grip on it. Now I just move between sadness and numbness.

      1. CJM*

        “Now I just move between sadness and numbness.”

        Well said, and I’m sorry. I struggle with that too. It’s been the most challenging state of the world for me to grapple with in all of my 60+ years.

    31. hermit crab*

      We have been staying home except: taking a lot of walks (very occasionally with a friend), making quick trips to the grocery store/pharmacy/hardware store/farmers market, getting takeout or similar curbside pickup type stuff, and going to medical appointments. We’re also both pollworkers and worked the polls in person during our two recent state/local elections (we got tested after that). And we foster dogs, so sometimes we need to go out or see people for that. Everything outside the house is with masks, except I don’t always wear a mask when I take a walk alone since I’m confident I can always stay 10+ ft away from other people.

      But, my wife is going back to work in person at the end of the month, and I’m not sure how/if I will change my behavior because of that. My main concern is accidentally exposing other people rather than my own safety.

    32. Mags*

      I am pretty cautious. I walk the dog, I get ‘click and collect’ groceries, and make the occasional visit to the butchers over the road when I want to top up the freezer. I’ve also cancelled a number of events that I was hoping to go to for work, or had them cancelled for me. In my case I’m in ‘at risk’ group because I have asthma. I also have family members in the same category.

      Plus, I know people who’ve had the coronavirus (luckily none of them were hospitalized) and I had SARS years ago. So I’ve good examples to base my strong desire not to get this disease on. I spent over a YEAR with a brutal cough after SARS, got pneumonia, and the damage to my lungs is why I am asthmatic now. My friends have said that being sick with coronavirus was awful.

      So I try and live my life, but I’ve had to curtail it because the risk just isn’t worth it for me right now.

    33. KittyCardigans*

      I work at a school, so I’m usually home in the summers. Because of that, even though my state’s cases are rising, I feel a lot more normal since the school year ended. The biggest change for me has been a reduction in errands and in lingering—I go to the grocery store and the post office and Ace Hardware, etc., but I bundle errands together, get in and out quickly, and go a lot less frequently overall. My husband and I have seen some friends for socially-distanced backyard gatherings, and we’re in a bubble with my youngest brother (he’s furloughed and has been helping us with home renovations). My risk tolerance is actually a little higher than my husband’s, but I’m okay following his lead on this. Plus, I want to be seen as being appropriately responsible by other people in my social group.

      By far the riskiest thing we’ve done is visit my parents to attend a relative’s funeral. We wore masks but half the attendees did not, and there was not much social distancing. I don’t regret going, but we decided we had to quarantine afterward—the 2 weeks are up this Tuesday. I’m grateful we had that ability. My mother had to go right back to work in retail the next day.

      I dread the start of the school year. I know it will completely destroy my current “life’s a little off but mostly we’re living it” vibe, and I expect to feel like I have to lower my risk tolerance outside school to balance out the inherent risks of working around so many other people.

    34. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’m pretty much like you, I think. I’ve avoided some shopping I need to do, and I haven’t figured out how to limit my grocery shopping but I try to. I meet friends for exercise and coffee outside. I don’t like crowds anyway.

      Even considering all the things I do, I’m still at home alone most of the time. It only takes an hour or two a day, generally, to maintain my physical and mental health. It would be a rare day that I’m not in my apartment 20 hours.

      Rather than “hotspot or not” what influences me is crowds. Things have gotten worse in my county, and I don’t like it, but I still feel safe because I can find outdoor places that are not crowded, at all. And grocery stores (with the exception of Fresh Market where they seem to set up the aisles so people bump into each other as much as possible) are not too bad. Going to Walgreens in New York City is stressful even pre-pandemic. Going to Walgreens in, say, Kentucky is much different.

    35. Tris Prior*

      I live in a big crowded city that isn’t doing HORRIBLY compared to say FL, TX, etc., but cases are rising and it’s just generally really, really hard to keep 6′ away from people even taking a walk. I’m pretty scared, I admit. I’ve seen too many people who were young(er than me) and healthy really have bad outcomes. I’m lucky that I can WFH, partner got laid off so he’s home too.

      Things I have done: Grocery shopping in person once, at Aldi, it was miserable as it’s a small store and there’s nowhere to line up for checkout except down the aisles so if you need something you either wait in the line or squeeeeeze past someone not even close to 6′ apart. We get takeout a couple times a month. I have a community garden plot and have been walking there and back as often as it needs watering. I’ve been to the liquor store a couple times but no one was masked or distancing so now I go to a wine shop that has no-contact pickup. I’ve been in Walgreens a couple times since March for essentials. Went to the garden center once for absolute needs and only after my delivery was cancelled last minute. Our farmer’s market does online ordering and in person pickup so I’ve done that a couple times. Pickup orders at Starbucks, at the one that’s just a walkup window with no need to be indoors. I went to the dentist twice for important but not emergency work (debated that a LOT but I have a history of minor dental issues suddenly getting really bad and did not want another surgery), and the cat had to go to the vet for an injury, for which we had to rent a zipcar and sanitized the hell out of it first as we don’t have a car.

      Things I won’t do: get on public transport or in a rideshare (this SUCKS, see above, no car, I walk a lot now), pretty much all stores, gym, in person dining indoors or out, visit friends or family, bars, volunteering at the cat shelter I volunteered at (which, they haven’t reopened to volunteers but may soon). I think I’m done trying to grocery shop in person; mask compliance is poor and our city stores are just too small. None of this is worth it to me.

      Thing I would be willing to take the risk to do, if it were allowed: Go to the beach. We have a very short beach-weather season and the lake is pretty essential to my mental health. Our beach is large and outdoors, bars are small and indoors, yet the latter is allowed and the former is not, which I don’t really get, but, whatever.

      1. Alex*

        re: beach vs. bars. I suspect business owners lobbied hard to be open, whereas people don’t make money off of people walking on the beach.

    36. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I never have been all that frightened, but I am concerned, particularly since my government seems to be doing a terrible job of handling the problem. Since I’m not working at the moment and my husband is working from home we have the luxury of staying in most of the time. Since March I go to the grocery store once a week, occasionally to other shops in my neighbourhood. The only time I’ve been further afield was to drive down to our former second home to move out of it.

      In truth I don’t have a lot of friends and spend a lot of time by myself anyway, so this experience hasn’t changed my life all that much. Normally I would go out to the pub or socialize with colleagues at work much more frequently but I often have gaps between contracts where I don’t do much with others anyway.

    37. Stephanie*

      Concerned, but not petrified. I was in a hot spot toward the beginning of lockdown, so I pretty much just limited myself to essential errands. Grocery delivery sort of wasn’t an option since there are very few large grocery stores nearby. I can work remotely and am not in a high risk group.

      My state started easing restrictions last month, so I do limited outdoor interactions with friends I trust (where we all drive separately). I wear masks when I go out (my state also mandates them). I live alone, so the amount of alone time was starting to get to me. I look at it as measured risk at this point.

      Definitely not comfortable flying or going to a gym.

    38. NRG*

      I’m staying in for the most part because everyone is on edge, which puts me on edge. I have a fair amount of risk tolerance for the virus itself, but am wary of tense people, and conflict over mask wearing. I wear a mask and have little issue with it. I feel pretty safe handling objects in stores. I am staying at home as much as possible because I have fairly pronounced hermit tendencies. Also it is very hot outside. The one daily issue for me is that I don’t live alone, and the people in my house are starting to really get to me (see hermit tendencies).

    39. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I’m not petrified, but I’m limiting in-person interactions with anyone except my husband and girlfriend, because I can. That’s both practical–I can afford to have my groceries delivered, and my work was freelancing from home even pre-pandemic–and psychological: I miss busy streets and interesting neighborhoods, but as long as I can get outside regularly I’m okay.

      The incremental benefit of me postponing a haircut is small, but it might be greater than zero, so I’m doing it. (The salon is safe, I think, but that’s one less person riding the buses to get there.) There’s so little I can contribute right now, and this is at least something.

    40. Diahann Carroll*

      Since you quoted me, I’ll respond. Yes, I am in fact petrified of this virus because I have various chronic illnesses that could leave me open to catching this virus very easily and not recovering from it. I’m also the daughter of a diabetic and if I get sick, my mother would not be able to come and help me (I live alone) because she too will most likely not recover from this virus if she catches it and it would devastate her to watch me fighting for my life without her being able to do a thing about it.

      I’m also black, and this virus has hit my people in my city much harder than anyone else. And since the medical establishment is notoriously racist and lax about providing proper medical care to people who look like me, if I become infected with this virus and end up hospitalized, I already know I’m not going to get good care and will be one of the ones left to die on a vent.

      So no, I have not left my apartment other than to get my mail and packages from my building’s lobby. People in my city don’t give a f*^# about this virus and most still are not wearing masks outside even though it’s required now by our mayor’s recent order. The one place I left the house to go to recently was my new dentist, and on my way back, someone unmasked decided he was going to try to walk very quickly up behind me and cough without said mask on like we’re not in the middle of an effing pandemic! Luckily, I didn’t turn around because of how the wind was blowing and I was walking way too fast for him to keep up (and I only saw him after I crossed the street and looked back), but seriously, this is the ignorant, disgusting, selfish ass behavior I’m trying to avoid.

      And just as an FYI, the tone of your questions were snarky to the point that I don’t believe you were just genuinely curious about people’s individual risk management decisions (emphasis on the word “individual” here) in the wake of a pandemic. The fact that you even felt the need to ask this question at all leads me to believe you did so with the intention of getting a bunch of people together to low-key mock people who are being very conservative about their movements in these new and crazy times. If that wasn’t your intention, then you can go and read the thousands of articles online from people that detail their battles with COVID-19 to get insight as to why certain people don’t feel safe leaving their homes, accept that many people are unwell and would likely be apart of the death count should they catch the virus in the first place and so are avoiding being in situations that could lead to that ending, and mind the business that pays you.

    41. Clisby*

      I’m not petrified and also, generally, not leaving the house. This might sound odd to people who live in more temperate climates, but I’m in Charleston, SC. I wouldn’t be leaving the house unless absolutely necessary anyway during June-September, because it’s so unbearably hot here. In a way, this makes it a little less stressful, because it’s my normal way of dealing with summer.

      I cannot remember the last time I went out to a store except for grocery shopping. I’m not visiting with anybody except my husband and son, who live here (this is not a complaint – I love having them here, except that they use way too many paper towels.) If my parents were still alive and nearby, I would visit with them if they wanted, but that’s not the case. I haven’t seen my grad-school daughter since Christmas, and I’ll be lucky if I can see her by this Christmas.

      I’m just crossing my fingers that the hurricanes can pass us by this year.

    42. Sylvan*

      I’m pretty similar to you. I’m not going to the gym (it’s closed) or seeing friends; I’ve seen relatives once this spring and once this summer. I’ll be thrilled to go back to the office the moment it’s safe to do that.

      Honestly, I had a bad time mental health wise in March and April. I was terrified then, both because of COVID and because that is literally what my mental illness does. I had my medication adjusted. I’m feeling much more in control of how I react to what’s going on.

    43. Lora*

      I have worked with the nasty pathogens in the past, and am bitterly amused that the same people who will lose their s**t over, say, anthrax or plague (for which we have effective vaccines and treatment) are “hey it’s just a bad flu!” about Covid. I live in a state that was slow to shut down but is currently holding steady around 200 new cases and 20 deaths per day.

      I wear mask, outer layer of clothes I can toss in the wash, shoes that never go further than the foyer until they’ve been cleaned when I go out. Clothes are washed with detergent and dried outside on the clothesline where they get plenty of sanitizing UV light. I have anti-viral detergent based wipes in addition to sanitizer that I use when I get home from wherever.

      I work from home, and started working from home a few weeks sooner than everyone else as most of my current job is actually at an overseas site – which I cannot physically get to now, and will not see for at least another year or two. Normally I’d have made at least three trips to the site this year.

      I can afford to get nearly everything delivered and mostly do unless it’s pretty urgent (e.g. broken plumbing needs a hardware store part). I have several masks, different weight washable jackets. There are only a few stores I feel comfortable going to at all, and that’s because they started insisting on masks and gloves very early in the pandemic, have zero problem refusing service or kicking out anyone who doesn’t comply, and made an extra effort to find sources for toilet paper and disinfectant even if that wasn’t their usual inventory. I still only go out about once a week and arrange as much as possible for curbside pickup.

      I have to go to medical treatments and was in a hospital for a while, but the hospital was exquisitely careful about infection control. My medical providers have been comparatively careful (though not *objectively* careful) about screening and PPE for entering their facilities. So it wasn’t as bad as I feared, but I think they also had a lot of work to do in March and April getting set up properly – the hospital still doesn’t really have their personnel flows set up properly to be unidirectional and it’s easy to walk in a side entrance and skip the screening.

      I have a couple of friends with whom I sit socially distant on a patio or deck outdoors about every other week for drinks, and also have a big backyard and pool myself – I think this makes a huge difference, being able to go play outside with the dogs or garden in the privacy of my own yard. Plenty of sunshine and nature, and it’s not like I have zero options for socializing in a safe way. I keep in touch with people online and a good portion of my work week is Zoom meetings, so I don’t feel very isolated. The big thing seems to be having a yard, though – my friends in the city seem to be feeling the stress of being cooped up more.

      I will not be returning to the gym, art museums, nightclubs etc until there is an effective vaccine. I do not believe the first vaccines to hit the market will be the most effective or safest (that is my opinion as a professional vaccine manufacturer). There are two I think may be good quality and I will be volunteering for the Phase 3 studies if possible. That means I am not going to the usual places or going out of the house without PPE and social distancing for the next few years. Anyone who thinks we can have a good quality vaccine faster than 2-3 years is just flat out lying through their teeth, sorry. It sucks for me too, I used to love dance and hot yoga, but I am not risking my health for it when I can go swimming, biking and do youtube workouts at home.

    44. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m in Florida and have stayed home except the grocery store, work, and emergency dental visits. I’m not petrified or scared, I just know that masks reduce your risk, and not by enough for me.

      I’m also very salty that I have to work at work when 100% of my job can be done from home but my employer will not allow it.

    45. Emily*

      I would say I’m being fairly cautious.

      My partner and I have both been working from home since sometime in March. (Thankfully, we can both do that.) We shop for groceries once every two weeks. We’ve seen a few friends, but only in fairly low-risk ways (6 or fewer people total, outdoors, 6+ feet apart, face coverings used when not eating or drinking). I’ve had a few not-strictly-necessary outings, but they’re generally either very short store visits during off hours (the post office, the craft store to pick up an online order) or outdoors and masked (the farmer’s market, berry picking). I do run outside pretty regularly (~5 times a week), unmasked but with a buff that I can pull up if needed. Aside from when I’m running, I wear a mask whenever I venture out of my apartment and into public.

      There are a lot of things – going to the gym, eating at a restaurant, spending time with others indoors – that I probably won’t be comfortable with for a while.

    46. Cautious in Chicago*

      I have some health conditions that would make catching the virus likely to be fatal to me, I am in my late 50s, and I live in a major city in the US that has been hard-hit by the pandemic. I do not have a car, and I have not taken public transportation; I have only used ride-share services. And I have been working from home since March 13, and I will be doing so through the end of the year at the very least, and perhaps even longer.

      Since that day, I have only left my home four or five times for groceries, and twice to meet friends in a park (where we wore masks and maintained proper social distance). I get many of my meals delivered, in part because I am working so much I have little time to cook, but also because I am glad to be able to support local restaurants (of which there are very many needing support).

      I would not characterize myself as “petrified,” because who can live in constant terror? But I am deeply concerned, and I am extremely careful about the choices I make.

    47. allathian*

      I’m fortunate in that we’re having very few cases. In a country of 5.5 million people, we currently have one person in ICU with COVID. The number of new cases per day has been rising since restaurants reopened in July, but slowly, between 5 and 20 new cases per day.

      We went to the movies last week, the theater was only about 20 percent full and we were the only people on our row, there were at least 5 empty rows in front of us and another couple empty rows behind us. We’ve been to sit-down restaurants with limited seating and eaten takeout, but no buffets yet. We’ve visited with my parents and in-laws. Mainly outdoors, but last week we met indoors for the first time. We have a big dining-room table so social distancing was possible.

      Masks aren’t mandatory and most people aren’t using them. For exercise, I’ve been either walking or riding my bike almost every day since WFH started.

      The biggest precaution I’ve taken is that I haven’t used public transit since early March, when I swiched to WFH.

      Tomorrow I’m going to an in-person job interview, but I feel confident that we’re going to take the appropriate precautions, as in no handshakes and social distancing and plenty of opportunities for washing hands.

  34. WellRed*

    Any car people have any advice? My check engine light has been on for, oh, at least a year. The car (a 2010 dodge caliber) runs fine, so I’m not overly concerned. I had some other work done this week. If I had wanted them to investigate the check engine line, it would have cost $125. That seems high to me? Any idea why the light might be on? I’m having to do other expensive work on my 10-year-old car in order to get it stickered. I’d actually like a new car rather than shelling out for a bunch of pricy repairs but pandemic. Also, can’t easily trade it in without sticker. Sigh.

    1. Come On Eileen*

      I’d call a few places and see if you can find out why the indicator light is on for free or at least for a lower cost. There are definitely places that will investigate and only charge you if they perform the repair.

      1. Clisby*

        Asolutely! The check engine light can come on for all kinds of reasons, ranging from “this could not possibly be more trivial” to “get that car in for repairs right now.”

        The last time it happened with my Kia Soul, I twice took it to my regular mechanic, who reset it (I don’t know how to do this, but they did, and they didn’t charge me for it). The next time, they said, “You know, sometimes this particular code for the check engine light is because there’s a faulty seal on the gas cap – we can get a new one and replace it for about $25. That might not be the reason, but it’s pretty cheap.” I’m pretty cheap, so I bet on the $25 new gas cap and haven’t had the problem since.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      My library actually has one those tools (the name is escaping me right now) that you blog into your car and will give you the code for why a warning light is on. Then you can Google the code and get an idea of what is going on before you go to the mechanic.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You can also borrow a tool at some of these automotive chain places. I think Napa did it for me the last time.

        I had a small evap leak. Yeah, try finding a pin hole, good luck. But I could not pass inspection without getting that check engine light turned off. I got an extension on my inspection due date and eventually they found it. It was around the gas tank filler thing.

        1. WellRed*

          “I could not pass inspection without getting that check engine light turned off.”
          This is what I’m worried about, though it passed last year and I’m pretty sure the light was on then.

    3. No fan of Chaos*

      When my engine light came on I went to my local car parts store and they put their detector on it for free. They gave me a printout also. It turns out that my rear tail light was defective and I replaced it for $125.00.

      1. WellRed*

        I actually have a defective tail light! It burns out all the time and needs to be replaced!

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      If you are in the US, check out the websites of any of your local automotive supply stores (like Schuck’s, O’Reillys, etc). Some of those shops offer free check engine diagnostic visits. I have done that with my ancient VW. I have never paid for check engine exams.

    5. university minion*

      Go to Advanced Auto, ask them to read the codes. Write down what they say, go home and google it. It’s usually no big deal.

    6. Trixie*

      My Subaru Outback had chronic issues with this. Eventually, I usually found a local mechanic wherever I lived to help me pass emissions. Inevitably, the CEL returned just after passing. The diagnostic although kicked out the same generic, non-specific code. The car itself was perfect but the system kept flagging in error.

    7. Anono-me*

      Most of the big car chain stores will run diagnostics fo you for free and fine you the code to look up yourself. (Be aware that sometimes this will turn off the light until the triggering event occurs again.) You can write down the codes, but I have found it easier to just snap pictures with my phone.

      Also, for the repeatedly burning out tail light, your light assembly might be letting in dust or water. Anything on the glass of your lightbulb will cause it to burn out super fast. (That is why you have to wear gloves when changing tail and head lights.) It could also be a problem with your wiring harness, maybe the wire is broken inside the insulation or something.

      When I had a taillight problem, I looked at the car repair book to see what replacing the entire taillight would take and decided that it was within my skill set. I was able find a listing service for salvage auto parts from yards all over the country. I found a place that had a pair of matching taillights for my vehicle that still had the entire wiring harness (Sometimes the wires are cut by whoever is doing the partout.) Parts, shipping and my labor ment that I had a new set of taillights for about $50 and an hour of my time. It was just a matter of unscrewing the screws holding the taillight assembly in place, unplugging the old harness, plugging the new one and screwing everything back together.

      I bought a pair of taillights because, my car came with expensive aftermarket taillights and while I was willing to spend a little money buy a second factory taillight to have everything match, I was not willing to shell out way more for one aftermarket. Also, I put in all new lightbulbs when I did this, because lightbulbs are cheap and I am lazy.

    8. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      There are many reasons why a check engine light might come on, but if your mechanic is asking $125 just to read the codes, unfortunately that’s the sign of an unscrupulous mechanic. It costs literally nothing except the cost of three minutes of a technician’s time for a shop to read a code, except the one-time cost of their code reader (and those things can now be bought on Amazon for far less than $125).

      Most of the time, for me, the check engine light was triggered by a failed oxygen sensor. The car will run well enough — you might eventually get a rough idle and/or a small loss of power or gas mileage — but you might not pass your state emissions test. Once it came on because I failed to screw the gas cap back on fully. Good luck. But don’t pay the $125.

    9. Stephanie*

      Yeah, $125 to run a diagnostic scan is extortion. Any of the chain auto parts stores will lend you an on-board diagnostic (OBD) scanner for free that will generate a code as to why your check engine light is on. There’s a plug (usually under the steering wheel) for the scanner. You can Google the code — it just be something general like “emissions”, but that can at least get you in the right direction. The check engine light can be on for…almost anything. Could be minor like loose gas cap or something more serious like misfiring cylinders. Usually if it’s steady (or not bright red instead of yellow/orange), it’s not something major, but you may have worse performance or poor fuel economy.

      I work at a car company, so somewhat biased (as people buying cars keeps me employed), but if you have the money and are in the market, all OEMs are trying to sell cars right now with somewhat more generous loan terms, social distancing, online sales, etc. But fixing the car could be totally cost effective depending on the issue.

  35. Lena Carabina*

    What are you doing this weekend to self-care?
    How arw ypu looking after yourself physically as well as mentally?
    Got any tips for exercising after a sprain?

    I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. I badly sprained my ankle and damaged my knee this week, undoing all the good work I’d been making with my physio.
    I think I got covid-19 again (although I tested negative actually and I’m feeling ok, just tired and a bit breathless), and this morning I just sliced the top of my finger on a veg peeler (not as bad as Alison’s injury though – how is that going Alison?)

    So I’m basically just going to stay in bed and drink lots of water, watch Goliath and Absentia, read a bit, and then try to do some physio exercises later.

    I’m isolating and I managed to get a grocery delivery for tomorrow so I’m doing ok. Now that the test was negative I’m not panicking so much.

    1. Lena Carabina*

      No matter how many times I check what I’ve written, I always notice typos AFTER hitting ‘submit’. :(

    2. Koala dreams*

      I’m watching nature programs on youtube, stitching, cooking some food and doing light household chores. I have a cold so I can’t do a lot of things but I can’t stay in bed either, then I can’t sleep at night which is worse. If I feel up to it I’ll bake something.

      1. Lena Carabina*

        What are you going to bake? I am kind of obsessed at the moment with Meera Sodha’s miso brownies which taste like salted caramel chocolate, and I just bought Isa Does It by Isa Chandra-Moskowitz so I am looking forward to baking from there.
        Oh and I made the pandan waffles from Sasha Gill’s Jackfruit and Blue Ginger, except I used rapeseed oil and vanilla essence instead of coconut oil and pandan essence, and I topped them with lemon juice and agave syrup instead of nut butter. But still really good – I like the addition of whisked aquafaba, it makes them crispier.

        1. Koala dreams*

          Buns with jam and butter filling. I haven’t done it before so it’ll be interesting!

      2. Lena Carabina*

        I wrote a reply but I think it got stuck in moderation. Anyway, I asked what you’re baking.
        And I hope you feel better soon!

    3. Trixie*

      That sounds frustrating, after your physio. Give yourself time to heal and you’ll be back at it before long.

      My self-care will include small projects as I putter around home. Fixing up a couple frames pieces with new or replacement Plexiglas, instilling bamboo blinds on my small porch for privacy, maybe sort through some junk drawers/boxes. I find this relaxing when there’s no pressure or urgency to get it done.

      Physically, I plan to resume my semi-daily evening walks with my podcasts. (Phoebe Reads a Mystery, NPR Lifekit, Planet Money). I was thrilled to see a neighborhood park was landscaped and now includes some stairs so I can add some stair climbing movements to my walks. It’s the small wins!

      2. Lena Carabina*

        Thanks! I had a nap this afternoon instead of doing all the things I planned – eh never mind :-) Outdoor stairs sound good! It is the small wins indeed.

    4. ...*

      I sliced my finger with a serrated knife this week but it seemed to heal quickly. It sounds like you need rest!

    5. allathian*

      On Saturday we went for a bike ride with the family (30 minutes) and on Sunday, we took a walk in a recreational park. They’re “wilder” than municipal parks, but have trails maintained specifically for exercise. The trail we walked is used for ski tracks in winter. During the walk, we only saw a couple of people, but lots of insects… We also saw lots of baby frogs just out of the tadpole stage, some of them had the remnants of a tail. There were so many that you had to watch your step to avoid stepping on them. I also saw a slowworm (legless lizard) for the second time in my life.

  36. Damn it, Hardison!*

    I’m looking for advice about dealing with an annuity and tax issues – who should I talk to?

    My father has not been withdrawing the minimum require from his annuity since he turned 70. He really needs to get it straightened out, as he’s going to be paying some pretty stiff penalties. I know he needs to talk whoever administers his annuity. He’s very concerned about the impact will have on his taxes, since he’s going to have to take a large withdrawal to get caught up. Should he consult a CPA, a tax attorney, or someone else? Thanks for any advice!

    1. Auntie Social*

      I’d contact a good CPA. Bite the bullet on the penalties. Your CPA can make you a withdrawal schedule so there are no more mistakes.

    2. fposte*

      Sounds like this product might be held in an IRA. While it depends on how long this has been going on, the IRS is often pretty forgiving on RMD failures; you submit the relevant form and an explanation along with all the money owed. It’s common enough that a CPA who prepares taxes should be familiar with the process.

      If you can convince him to automate RMDs and have a percentage withheld for taxes when they come out in future, that’s likely to be the simplest plan.

      1. No I won’t do your taxes*

        This year, they’re not penalizing, as I understand it. (Noticed while researching another matter.) Prior years, yeah, bite the bullet and get it straightened out once and for all.
        An Enrolled Agent is another possibility. Not all CPAs are tax experts. (I *am* a CPA, and I loathe doing taxes.) You really don’t need a tax lawyer for something like this, unless you want to combine some estate planning in the same visit.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, good point on the not penalizing; for that matter, they’re not requiring the RMD in the first place this year, so that’ll mean less for him to have to remove to catch up.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Thank you, everyone! Glad to know I was in the ballpark of what to do. My father definitely needs to get this taken care of, and now I can research CPAs in the area (Bristol, TN if anyone has a recommendation).

    3. AppleStan*

      Damn it, Hardison! – I am only here to comment on and compliment your user name. It warms my cockles that you love that show enough to use it. Almost makes me want to drink “Thief Juice…tastes like bad guys.”

  37. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I require a gut check, please! Emotions of parties involved are running high, and more neutral opinions would be appreciated. This is long, and I apologize, but basically: if you were in my partner’s situation, would you ask for some of your payment to be returned in this situation?

    We just returned early from a week away at the beach with my partner’s extended family. We always rent two houses. The house our “group” rented three years ago, which we had reserved for this trip, was torn down and we had to find another option. This was left to my partner’s father (FIL), who arranged for the replacement. His only criterion was that we were on the same street as the other house. (This turned out to be really, really stupid.) We asked several times for details about the house and got them only two weeks ago.

    The configuration was very different this time and not really appropriate for the intended residents. In this house, there was a room with a king bed, one with a queen, a small room with a pyramid bunk bed and a room with two twins. There was also an open loft, no door, with a small double bed. This was the intended arrangement for three adult couples (me and partner, FIL and his new girlfriend, partner’s aunt and uncle). The new gf brought her young granddaughter (I should add that when the initial plans were made, the new gf was not officially in the picture– both of them were still married to other people– so the kid was essentially a last-minute addition). Each couple paid an equal amount of money for the house, and that included absorbing costs for a couple that decided not to come (and if they had, there would have been nowhere appropriate for them to sleep, more on that in a bit).

    When we arrived at the house, everyone else got there first (we were told not to come before 5pm, we rolled up at 4:45 to find everyone in the pool) and chose their rooms. FIL took the king bed and put the granddaughter in the room with two twins, leaving me and partner with the small pyramid bunk bed room. Aunt and Uncle took the queen room. I wasn’t thrilled with the bunk bed option but figured it would be fine, as my partner and I have stayed in similar houses with really nice bunk beds.

    It wasn’t. The bed I slept in that first night was actually painful on my hips (I’m in my 40s and not small). My partner woke me up at 1:30am to get into the top bunk (I was splayed with the dog on the bottom) and five minutes later realized he was too tall and the bed was too rickety. We got up and put some sheets on the double bed in the loft, partner gets in and realizes the mattress is old and dips into the middle of the bed. Not to mention that the loft had no door, so the granddaughter started wandering up the stairs before partner was up. In the morning, he was furious and uncomfortable. He hadn’t slept. Neither had I, in a bed designed for a small child.

    Partner spoke to his father and asked to switch the rooms around. The answer we got was, basically, “Nope, too bad, this is what it is, suck it up. Sorry you’re uncomfortable, I have a bad back too.” It was completely unsympathetic and uncaring. It ended up being a huge fight. I mean, HUGE. FIL has always been a thoughtless jackass, but turns out his new girlfriend (whom we had met twice before this, never met the kid she brought– the last time we went to the beach it was with his latest ex-wife) is a mean, spiteful, passive aggressive, petty woman who has no interest in being pleasant or kind. There was absolutely no reason for this to be a fight– all we asked was to switch rooms with a 5-year-old so we could sleep in beds more appropriate for adults. But they hurled insults, made excuses (which made absolutely no sense– she even tried with the, “But what about the SHEETS?” and I said, “Uh, we have a washing machine, I will be happy to wash the sheets”), attacked my partner’s credibility, insulted his age (called him a “millennial, I know what they’re like” and when I objected to her being so reductive, she laughed in my face), and even insulted my sweet, quiet, old, wonderful-with-kids dog. All because we insisted that we have the opportunity to sleep more comfortably on a vacation that we paid for. They eventually conceded 10 hours later (!) after FIL sent the gf in to argue with me and my partner and she realized I had a point (you think???). Then she asked that we not switch bathrooms, which meant that FIL and gf had their own bathroom and we couldn’t use it even though it was attached to our bedroom. I allowed the bathroom thing because all I wanted was a better freaking bed.

    We ended up leaving a few days early. Even in the better beds, we had trouble sleeping. My partner wants to get some of his money back from his dad. His main argument– the one I think is most solid– is that the kid, who didn’t pay, had her own room and we are all essentially absorbing that cost. (In the other house, two of the kids had their own room, paid for by their parents.) He’s also angry because his father chose a house that wouldn’t work out in the first place. To add to this, his father never apologized (nor did the gf), and they kind of ignored the entire extended family so they could be only with each other. Personally I feel like we subsidized their romantic getaway, but whatever. I’m also pissed that they left their stuff all over the house, I couldn’t sit down at a table without removing a towel or a wet bathing suit from one of the chairs, and I do not appreciate that a child’s bathing suit bottoms were hanging out where I eat my food. I mentioned that any toys left out might end up in the dog’s mouth but they didn’t pick them up at all. But that’s kind of besides the point.

    So what would you do? Let it slide? Or ask for something back? We paid a significant amount of money for us, and if this had been a trip we had taken alone, we would have complained to the company and insisted on being made comfortable and whole.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Things to consider: If you ask for money back, are you asking it from FIL/gf, aunt/uncle, both pairs? Is it likely to get you anywhere, or are they going to laugh in your face? Is the resulting drama going to be worth the money, even if you do get it?

      Personally, I think I would chalk it up as a lesson not to go on vacation with these people anymore (or at least, not without doing my own rental arrangements, which I recognize wasn’t really an option in this case) and just draw a line under it, lest the next umpteen years of family gatherings turn into “remember the time that AvonLady pitched a fit and demanded that we pay for their vacation??” (But if you do decide the risk is worth the reward, know that you have a shoulder Adulting Fairy cheering you on with fairy dust and pompoms! :) )

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also, on re-reading, I see that it’s your partner who wants to get the money back — if he wants to take point on that with his dad, more power to him! And then in any ensuing drama, you can put your hands up and back out, “That’s entirely between John and Dick. Isn’t this pie lovely?”

        1. Ali G*

          I agree with you 100%. It’s not likely to get the desired result, and if they do, the drama and baggage that will come with it isn’t worth it.
          I would basically never socialize with these people again, unless it was a situation that I could easily leave once I had enough and didn’t cost me anything.

          1. Ali G*

            Also I want to add, that don’t come before 5 pm thing was entirely intentional to get themselves the best rooms. FIL knew the set up and in my opinion specifically told you to come late so you wouldn’t be there for the discussion on rooms. He’s a jerk.

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              You are much less charitable than I am and you are probably right. GRR. Here I am, trying to think the best of people, expecting adults to be reasonable… yup, “jerk” is kind.

            2. tangerineRose*

              I agree with Ali G, asking for a refund will cause drama, I wouldn’t socialize with them except in places where you can easily leave, and the don’t come before 5pm was to get themselves the best rooms. They sound awful. Sorry.

      2. Blue Eagle*

        Agree with Red Reader. Question for you – if you ask FIL for refund of money, do you think there is any possibility that he will actually give it to you? I’m thinking – not likely.
        What I would do is just not go on vacation with FIL again – or if you do, make sure that you are the ones to rent the house so that it meets your requirements and get there first and take the best bedroom.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Yup, not bloody likely. I think my partner is looking for some acknowledgement from his dad that his dad actually feels bad, but… we’re not going to get it. I am so done. We love the extended family (and they were so wonderful to be with, especially the kids who absolutely adore our dog) but if there’s a next time FIL will not be allowed to pick the house. AT ALL. Aunt and Uncle are on board with this (the Uncle can’t stand FIL).

          About the picking bedrooms… I have always believed that in a communal situation, you have to a) assign rooms beforehand and b) be open to changes and different needs. My girlfriends and I go away and it’s all fine. I once ended up on a sofa bed and I was asked 1000 times if I was ok, plus they cleared out of the living room when I got super tired and needed to sleep. One friend really needed a room to herself for a night or two, we were happy to shift and accommodate. She asked, we love her, we made it work.

          1. Venus*

            Sounds like you need to book a trip next year for the extended family and forget to invite FIL…

          2. Batgirl*

            It sounds like this is not the first clue your partner has been given that his dad does not feel bad about stuff. He should maybe believe what his dad is pretty bluntly showing and telling him.
            “They kind of ignored the entire extended family so they could be only with each other”.
            I mean they were actually married to other people at the start of the vacation planning process so that should not be a huge shock.
            I would take the uncle’s cue on your FiL and spend your precious time with more considerate people.

            1. valentine*

              He should maybe believe what his dad is pretty bluntly showing and telling him.
              Here is the beating heart of all things FIL.

              I vaguely recall a different story about him and I think the theme was the same: He seems to enjoy the power and y’all’s discomfort. The 5pm thing: They didn’t set anything up for you (except a doubling down on hubs’ disappointment in his father) to warrant the wait. I mean, even if they wore their bathing suits over there, took their stuff in to establish squatter’s rights in the rooms, used the bathroom, and got into the pool. They did not arrive at 4:30.

              FIL is a nightmare and I would’ve cut off contact with him ages ago. Were I willing to be with someone who maintained contact, I would be willing to interact with FIL two to three times a year, no fed or church hols, in a public place, twice requiring no money, and only once with money (always separate checks).

    3. CatCat*

      I’d let it slide, but it’s up to Partner if he wants to do it. My line in the sand would be refusing to stay in the same accommodations as FIL again. Also would not pay him money again toward any sort of vacation because he can’t be trusted. If he’s the organizer then it’s a pass.

    4. Come On Eileen*

      You have my sympathies – this sounds like a no-win situation. It doesn’t sound like your FIL is super reasonable so I suspect any request from your partner for some of your money back won’t go over too well. Because of that, if I were your partner I’d have to weigh how important it is to ask for money back vs my overall relationship with my dad. If the request will color things negatively in the long run, I’d let it go, consider it a lesson learned, and not go in on a house with them again in the future. (If I had it to do over again, I’d probably calmly say “hey, we’re going to take the room with the twin beds tonight and let kiddo sleep in the loft.” I realize that’s Monday morning quarterbacking but sheesh — seems obvious to this outsider that of course they’d let you try a different bedroom and tell the kiddo she has to move.)

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh, we did! “Why can’t we switch rooms with the kid?” was met with all kinds of arguments as to why we couldn’t. “But she has to be across from me! She has to be on the same floor! She can’t handle stairs!” It was… really strange and unkind. If I were a kid, I’d be all about the bunk bed room.

        Coloring all of this is that we had never met this child and barely knew her grandmother. I would be happy if I never saw either of them again. The kid is fine, she’s a perfectly normal child (as in, she’s alternately delightful and seriously annoying), but her grandmother is a piece of work.

        1. Budgie Buddy*

          I think part of the nuance of Come on Eileen’s suggestion was not phrasing reasonable accommodations as a question but instead as a matter of course.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, let them win this battle but you win the war by never going with them again.

        This is a family that would choke on the words, “So happy to see you! Gosh, I missed you!”

        Yeah. I’d be done here.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Just tell BF you don’t think it’ll do any good but that it’s his Dad and his choice, but as for you, you will not agree to split a house with the Dad or his GF again.

      3. Bluebell*

        I agree with all the comments suggesting this. My two sisters and I did vacations at beach houses for about 5 years and it was so complicated! I’ve been married 20+ years and both of them are divorced. One sister has 2 kids, the other doesn’t have any, so she likes to bring a boyfriend. We’ve unofficially traded off who got the master suite over the years, but someone always is a little annoyed. We did a winter trip two years ago without kids or boyfriends and I took the room w the twin bed. It was pretty roomy without a husband or dog!

    6. BRR*

      If you can absorb the cost somewhat easily, I’d probably let that part go. I’m going to assume it will be a huge fight and at least from the outside, it doesn’t seem to be about the money.

      I would personally be holding on to my anger about the house choice and everything else. I know if was me, my desired solution would be for FIL to apologize/ feel bad about the house and his subsequent behavior. Is that likely to happen? Doesn’t sound like it. If this happened to me I would likely end up laying out my grievances without mentioning the money (unless the money is really what you’re upset about) and then ending the conversation. FIL can figure it out or he’s a jerk and adjust interactions with that Fact guiding your behavior.

      1. BRR*

        And I agree with come on Eileen that this sounds like a no win situation. This would be difficult for me to let go but I think if you don’t let it go you won’t get anything that resolves this.

    7. Choggy*

      Every part of this, including and up to taking a vacation with in-laws, sounds like a nightmare to me. Sorry you had to deal with this situation and hopefully decide next year to take yourselves on a wonderful vacation *by* yourselves! :)

    8. Jen Erik*

      I wouldn’t ask. I think they should have paid for the kids room, but unless that was agreed beforehand I think it’s too late to bring it up now. On our family holidays we don’t split the cost exactly, and I think everyone would be taken aback if someone complained retrospectively. And I don’t get the sense that that is the problem: that is, if your bedroom had been comfortable, and you’d had a pleasant time, would your partner still want reimbursed for the kids room?
      If so, he’s entitled to ask, but they don’t sound like they would pay you back. You ask what people would do: I’d not ask, and never, under any circumstances, go on holiday with them again.

    9. ...*

      I would let this one slide because its not worth the fight, but I’d definitely not repeat any of these trips in the future!!

    10. Thankful for AAM*

      I feel like your partner really just wants some love from his dad. He is probably not going to ever get what he needs from his dad. Asking for money back is a substitute for getting what he needs. I’m sorry for him.

      I think he has to make peace with the fact that his dad does not show love that way your partner needs.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s exactly it and it breaks my heart. I haven’t seen my father in 30 years and I know how hard it is to break ties with a parent, even for the most sound reasons. I haven’t liked FIL for a while, but I’ve tried to stay out of it. Listening to my partner say things like, “wow, he’s not a good guy” is really, really hard even if it’s somewhat validating.

    11. eeniemeenie*

      I’m sorry. This trip sounds like a nightmare.

      Unfortunately asking for money is only going to result in more drama and headache for you guys. They aren’t sorry for what they did, they feel entitled to having their romantic getaway subsidised, and any attempts to make them see your POV are only going to turn into an ugly debate. You don’t need that.

      For your own mental health I suggest you let it go and take note to never vacation with your FIL and stay in the same home.

      It’s tough to accept the people we love are jerks.

  38. I take tea*

    Hi, I have a request for jokes. Last week there was a thread about which comedies from the 80’s and 90’s that still are watchable and this week there was a sub-thread in the train-wreck of “I am HR and I flirt with an 18 year old student” that came up with examples of jokes that would be appropriate for work (not sexual innuendo about toner, for sure!)

    These two threads got me thinking about humor and what we find funny and how it has changed. A lot of things that I used to find funny I now find unkind or straight up horrible. This is not a “political correctness has gone too far”-lament, I have absolutely no wish to go back to those times. But I do find it harder to find things that are genuinely funny, without being sexist, homophobic, ableist and so on. So this is a plea. You seem to be mostly a nice crowd, and pretty funny. Would you like to share a good joke or two? And if you would explain why you find it funny, it would be quite interesting too, because humor is so individual.

    I’ll start in a reply, so this doesn’t get too long.

    1. I take tea*

      In the sub-thread that I mentioned above, this was a favourite from LuckyPurpleSocks:

      “Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.”
      – I adore language jokes, and this has an added bonus of starting out as a classic.

      This is another that I like:
      “Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”
      – This is funny, because of a twist on a classic quote, which gives the additional glow of being in on something special

      Then there are the jokes that are funny because you keep piling on:
      “What does a vegetarian zombie say? -Graaaains, graaains!”
      “What does a conductor zombie say? – Traaaains, traaains”
      “What about a BD-zombie? -Chaaains, chaaains”
      “And a plumber zombie? – Draaains, draaaains”…

      You get the picture. The first and second gives a groan, the third a involuntary chuckle, the fourth usually get people thinking up their own version.

      Your turn!

      1. Amity*

        What does a driving zombie say? Stay in your laaaaaanes, laaaaaaanes.

        What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese.

      2. hermit crab*

        Haha ok now in my house were are just going through the alphabet to find more types of zombies…
        -IRS zombie: capital gaaaaaaaains
        -Podiatrist zombie: chillblaaaaaaaains
        -Spanish American war zombie: remember the Maaaaaaaaine
        -Phlebotomist zombie: veeeeeeeeins

    2. No Tribble At All*

      What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
      A carrot

      Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? Stayed up all night wondering if there was really a dog.

    3. OtterB*

      I’m a fan of language jokes including bad puns. I recently forwarded this one to my lawyer daughter.

      Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.
      Judge: What?
      Lawyer: He’s in a cent
      Judge: You’re going to jail with him.

      1. KeinName*

        I don‘t understand, please explain! I get ‚innocent‘, but nothing else (I‘m not American)

        1. fhqwhgads*

          A penny is a coin valued at one cent. It’s 1/100th of a dollar. trapped in a penny = in a cent, which is punning on “innocent”.

    4. OtterB*

      And another one: Since hockey has been canceled no one has seen the Zamboni driver. But I’m sure he’ll resurface eventually.

    5. Can I get a Wahoo?*

      A woman visiting Boston locks her keys in her car and waves down a passing man for help. He takes a look at the car, takes off his pants, and begins rubbing them on the car door. To the woman’s astonishment, the car opens!

      Woman: I can’t believe that worked!
      Man: Of course it worked, these are khakis. (In a Bostonian accent, “kah keys”)

    6. Aealias*

      My kids’ favourite:

      Knock-knock.

      Who’s there?

      Interrupting cow.

      Interrupt…

      (Interrupting) Moo!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you! That’s my favorite also!

        Groans of appreciation for all other comments above yours at present.

      2. Everdene*

        This my favourite too, and can be built on. My family and I have had tears of laughter streaming down our faces as we get to ‘interrupting rabbit’.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Interrupting starfish (hand on the face)
          Interrupting sloth (misses the cue for the punchline, because, you know… sloth; says “heeeeeeyyyy” really slowly)

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      I have a stable of jokes I call “eight-year-old humor” (either from our son’s experience of being eight, or my own, ahem, many years earlier). No offensive statements or subtexts in these jump out at me, but I am open to hearing other opinions.

      What does a ghost put on its bagel? Scream cheese.
      *** ***
      Thanks to a senior moment, all other such jokes have just fled my brain, so we will go on to the chicken jokes, starting with the basic classic: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

      Variations:
      – Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off.
      – Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t been invented yet.
      There must be others, but I don’t know them.

      Then you can tweak the basic version with references to the topic du jour, be it at The Place We Don’t Discuss on Weekends or your regular family setting / social circle / volunteer activity / current events, topics in the headlines, or whatever. Thus, Why did the chicken cross the road?
      – to practice social distancing.
      – to pick up its restaurant takeout order.
      – to get out of the sun.
      – because it was old enough to remember to look both ways before stepping off the curb.
      – to find its glasses / house keys / false teeth (whatever always gets lost in your home).

      There’s also the genre of knock-knock jokes, but I will spare y’all for the moment and show myself out.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        A seven-year-old told me a string of knock-knock jokes that didn’t really make sense, then startled an enormous laugh out of me with:

        Q. What do you call a bear with no ears?
        A. “Buh”

        (I also enjoy “What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eyed deer.” and “What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsssh.”)

        1. blaise zamboni*

          The “no-eye deer” joke is a family favorite and we all still laugh even hearing it a million times. We add a second part to it, so it becomes:

          What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.
          What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Why did the turtle cross the road?

        To get to the Shell station!

        (I’ll show myself out.)

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Q: How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky, Louie-ville or Lewis-ville?
      A: Frankfort.

      (I’ve loved this one since I was six. No shame.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I would accept that answer also, but have never gotten it before. ;)

      2. I edit everything*

        I’m from Kentucky, and someone tried to pull this one on me. I had “Frankfort” out before he even finished asking the question. I think he was a little disappointed.

      3. Jackalope*

        I apologize since this will only work for someone who speaks French, but it’s similar.

        Un éléphant femelle qui sort de l’eau – est-il sec ou est-elle sèche?

        Ni l’un ni l’autre; il est mouillé.

        (Doesn’t translate well, but it’s a play on the French linguistic gender. A female elephant getting out of the water, is it dry/sèche (feminine version because of the female) or dry/sec (masculine version bcs elephant is a masculine noun in French.)

        Answer: neither; it’s wet.)

    9. Dinoweeds*

      One of my favorites is:

      Q: “How do you find Will Smith in the snow?”
      A: “You look for the Fresh Prince!”

      I love it because it is a stupid pun and because Will Smith is great in any context lol.

    10. Granger Chase*

      A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
      The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
      ***
      Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
      Because they make up everything.
      ****
      What do you call a fake noodle?
      An impasta!
      ****
      Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
      There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.
      (bonus points if you say this to someone who deserves a heaping plate of it)
      ****
      This one is related to religion, but it’s tongue in cheek and I don’t think it would necessarily be found to be offensive (as everyone I’ve heard it from learned it in some sort of religious setting!):

      Jesus was in Heaven and looking for his father, Joseph, but he had no idea what he looked like.
      Then, along came an old man who looked rather familiar. Not wanting to get his hopes up too much, Jesus approached the man and asked, “Old man, what job did you have when you were alive?”
      The old man said, “I was a carpenter.”
      Jesus was now getting very curious. He asked the old man, “Did you have a son?”
      And the old man said, “Yes, I did, and a miraculous one too! He was created out of divine intervention.”
      Jesus could no longer contain his excitement and shouted, “DAD?!”
      And the old man stared hard and replied, “Pinocchio?!”

      1. Lexicat*

        I’ve heard a variation on the first one that has the priest, minister and rabbit walking in to a blood bank.

    11. RosenGilMom*

      i agree, i thought it was only my sense of humor changing. But fewer things are funny to me now.

      Said the triangle to the circle: I don’t see your point ?

      Said the green grape to the purple grape: “Breathe! Breathe!”

    12. Red Sky*

      This is the only joke I can ever remember.

      Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other “does this meat taste funny to you?”

      Ok, maybe that’s too dark for what you’re looking for, but it gets me every dang time!

    13. hermit crab*

      My mom’s favorite joke is
      Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
      A: In his sleevies.
      It doesn’t make a ton of sense (does anyone really “keep” an army somewhere??) but it’s still funny somehow.

      A couple that I like are
      Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
      A: A roamin’ Catholic.
      and
      Q: What was the first thing the werewolf ate after getting his teeth cleaned?
      A: The dentist.
      I think I originally got those from Laffy Taffy wrappers!

      1. I take tea*

        Thank you all! I especially like that my point with the zombie jokes was proved immediately :-)

    15. PhyllisB*

      I read this in a newspaper several years ago and has always cracked me up.
      The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar….it was tense.

    16. Grandma Mazur*

      How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
      Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers

      What’s the difference between a gnu and a wildebeest?
      You can’t paddle a wildebeest

      What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
      You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo

      How should you drive in Wales?
      Caerphilly

      What cheese should you use to get a bear down from a tree?
      Camembert

      What cheese should you use to hide a horse?
      Mascarpone

      1. Washi*

        I had to google the bison joke lol. For anyone else who got confused it’s a bison/basin pun! Side note, what accent does this joke work best for?

    17. allathian*

      Thanks for the laughs! These are from a book of jokes for kids, so should be inoffensive.

      Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Doctor.
      Doctor who?
      How did you guess?

      What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
      Great big holes all over Australia.

      How do you get two whales in a Mini?
      Drive down the motorway.

      What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?
      One is against the law and the other is a sick bird.

      What’s the difference between a doormat and a bottle of medicine?
      One is taken up and shaken and the other is shaken up and taken.

      What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
      Edward.
      What do you call a man with three planks on his head?
      Edward Woodward.
      (said in a posh British accent this sounds like “edwood woodwood”)

      I like puns. I also like dirty NSFW jokes as long as they aren’t obviously sexist.

  39. Morning reader*

    I would let the money go and never vacation with these people again. Or at least not with the FIL’s GF, and never leaving arrangements to FIL.

    In my family vacation experience, kids sleep on a couch or bunk bed type rooms or in the same room with their adults. So this is weird that extra uninvited kid gets a room to herself. In your situation, I might have bought an air mattress the second day. But that’s all hindsight. Your corrective action is going forward. Call it an expensive lesson.

    1. valentine*

      So this is weird that extra uninvited kid
      I would argue that she was invited because FIL/GF ruled the roost. They simply never told son/AvonLady Barksdale/anyone.

      gets a room to herself.
      There’s no good reason she shouldn’t (I think FIL intended the loft bed for the couple that called off), and no place, bed-wise, for FIL/GF/granddaughter to be together, not that he was going to have a kid in his room during his beach getaway! The best thing about the room switch is it wasn’t a downgrade for the kid: She still got both her own room and two beds!

  40. Ali*

    Last week I asked if anyone had had cortisone shots for plantar fasciitis. Well, I had them on Wednesday! It went very well. Some people said it was painful – I didn’t find it painful b/c of the cold spray numbing agent they put on my foot, though it was very uncomfortable, partly b/c the tugging of the needle and the feeling of something coming into my foot was just conceptually gross. I iced off and on for the entire day, and have trying to stay off my feet since. At no point did I even need ibuprofin, so if anyone is worried about pain after the actual shot, that was not my experience at all.

    I can’t tell how much it’s working yet – certainly today I had no pain getting out of bed, but for me the real test will be staying on my feet for a couple of hours, and I’m not at the point where I’m trying that yet. But if anyone is as anxious about it as I was, I would say anxiety is not necessary!

  41. Sunflower*

    I’m stuck in a conundrum about moving/living in 3 diff places due to this pandemic and am wondering what you would do if you were in my situation. For reference, I’m 31, single and seems I will be WFH until it’s safe to return to 100% in the office. I have an apt in NYC until Fall but have been living with my parents in Philly since March (While I’m always welcome at my parents, 4 months has been more than enough time with them!)

    NYC- been living here for 2 years in a reasonably priced apartment(for NYC) with 2 roommates. It’s been really tough to make friends here but pre-pandemic, I was ready to give it another 2 years. My roommates have also been living at their parents and we simply can not all work and live in our tiny apartment 24/7. Getting a studio or 1 bedroom in NYC seems to be a complete waste of money if there is nowhere to go.
    Charleston- I’ve always wanted to give Charleston a try when I’d tired of the NYC grind and think having the access to outdoor space and activities would be an extra plus during this time. I don’t know anyone in Charleston though.
    Philly- I have a strong support network here but am hesitant to move back as I was too comfortable in my ways and in desperate need of a change- I fear I might not leave again. I realize with everything going on, a strong network may be the best thing.

    I am heavily leaning towards Charleston but am nervous about being in a new place with no friends and not many outlets to meet them. I’ve always been someone who likes to try different places and people so the pandemic has been tough for me- I realize no matter where I live, I’m not going to be able to get the full experience of living there.

    What would you guys do?

    1. Dear liza dear liza*

      Charleston is a Covid hotspot and SC has been pretty awful about mitigating. If this were normal times I would 100% advocate trying out a new city. But I’d hesitate to move now to a troublesome spot. :(

    2. BRR*

      First, I’d look at my job. Will I be able to work remote anywhere or will I possibly have to be in the office let’s say March 2021.

      Second, have you been to Charleston? I would definitely not pick now to move to a place I’ve never been or only visited once or twice.

      But overall I think now is just not the time to try to experience a new place and it will be really hard to meet new people. I’d probably stay in nyc or go to Philly until Covid has settled down.

      1. Auntie Social*

        I’d go to Philly but a totally diff part of Philly. It will feel like a new city.

        1. acmx*

          I agree. I’d move closer to your network but a different area as a compromise. Why move to a new city that you can’t experience? I’d wait til the pandemic recedes before moving to Charleston.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Personal network could become even more important in the near future. Charleston is a pretty nifty city, but would definitely wait for that situation to even out before attempting a move. In the meantime, move to where you have networks in case you need help in some form or the sense of community can help bolster mental health too.

  42. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Hi. Has Anyone had this type of back pain?

    It’s on my mid-upper back, right around the bra strap area. It’s centered there and does not radiate. It feels like a knife digging in to it.

    It came on in the last month or so so all the doctors I saw said it was pregnancy related. However I didn’t gain much in weight or inches but the pain was so severe that towards the end I couldn’t sit, sleep well, or walk very much. I spent most of the days lying in bed with a heat pack.

    I’m 7d post partum now and while everything else is 90% back to “normal” the back pain persists.

    I was going to go to my orthopedist surgeon for help, a full evaluation and possible X days, unfortunately he doesn’t accept my new insurance so I have to find someone new (sobbing because I loved him).

    Until I can get a new dr I was wondering if anyone had this issue (pregnant or not), if there’s something specific I could google and manage at home.

    1. WellRed*

      “all the doctors I saw said it was pregnancy related.” Typical dismissive BS of womens’ pain.

      Could you have pulled a muscle or something like that?

    2. OtterB*

      My problem was rare but probably worth mentioning. I had a similar mid-upper back pain, around one shoulder blade, not as severe as yours. I got a new desk chair. I got a new mattress. None of it helped. It took a while tracking it down because there were other, more urgent medical things going on, mine and my husband’s, and it was annoying but hey, back pain happens. Eventually I also began having some lower body tingling and numbness and mild balance issues and saw a neurologist. Turns out I had a benign tumor pressing on my spinal cord, which I needed surgery for. I still have some lingering numbness, but the back pain was gone immediately after surgery and the balance issues resolved quickly.

    3. Whiskey on the rocks*

      Is it constant? I’ve had a knife stabby pain that would be consistent but would eventually go away. I’m told it was gas pockets. If that’s not likely, a chiropractor may be able to help.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It is constant and stabby. I’m not sure if it’s gas, I’ve not had any issues with passing that. When I was at the hospital they did ask about other symptoms to rule out gas, intestinal, lung, kidney issues etc.

    4. Cat*

      So this didn’t happen to me but I wouldn’t assume it’s not pregnancy related just because you didn’t gain weight. I only gained five lbs but still had all sorts of weird stuff going on. Your center of gravity had changed, your internal organs are all squished, you have higher blood volume, etc. I also wouldn’t assume it won’t go away at 7d postpartum. I had pregnancy stuff linger for three months.

      It’s not bad to talk to a specialist but don’t discount the pregnancy as relevant.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s true as well. I just assumed it was the pregnancy… it did disappear for about 4 days during and right after the C section but I assume it was due to the epidural and later IV pain meds. As soon as those dropped the back pain came back. I was given oxy and dilauded and neither helped me at all.

        I’m the hospital I did ask if a physical therapist could come by and just show me a few quick stretches but I was told they can’t do that.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s true as well. I just assumed it was the pregnancy… it did disappear for about 4 days during and right after the C section but I assume it was due to the epidural and later IV pain meds. As soon as those dropped the back pain came back. I was given oxy and dilauded and neither helped me at all.

        My first thought was ortho since I go to him for my usual pain issues. But maybe a different. Specialist.

    5. Natalie*

      It could be referred pain from something or other – I know heartburn can refer to places around the rib cage, and when I was monitoring my blood pressure postpartum they told me to be aware of referred pain in the shoulder area. And as mentioned, just because you’re a week postpartum doesn’t mean it can’t be pregnancy related, especially if you’re breastfeeding. My blood pressure didn’t go down to my pre-hypertensive level for 6-8 weeks.

      (Plus, just because something is pregnancy related doesn’t mean you just have to ignore it. Symptom management is totally possible in pregnancy, particularly is something is preventing you from sleeping. It’s worth pushing a bit more for actual treatments.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        When I was in the hospital, they did ask a lot of questions. Main concern were kidney and lung issues since that’s where the pain is centered on my back, but based on my symptoms those were ruled out. So I figured it’s a nerve or tendon or muscle issue that may or may not be pregnancy relared.

    6. Generic Name*

      Sounds like a muscle knot or “trigger point”. You can try to work it out yourself with a thera cane, or a good massage therapist or physical therapist should be able to help. Yeah, it could be pregnancy relayed, but that is a cause and not a treatment.

    8. Ranon*

      It could be pregnancy related- 7 days postpartum is not very far into the un-pregnancy process at all!

      One thought- pregnancy, to not put too for a point on it, obliterates core muscles. Lack of core strength can absolutely cause back pain. Caring for an infant is also profoundly non-ergonomic, particularly if you have chosen to breastfeed or pump. It’s probably still a bit early to get into serious PT/ core rehab (although not too early to try to get some set up) but in the meantime, alternate ice and heat to help with inflammation (heat alone can aggravate inflammation) and every time you move/ sit/ whatever start to think about bracing with your core and how you move your body. Make infant care as ergonomic as you can- pillow mountains for positioning yourself as needed, and care and attention in how you hold your body.

      If it feels like it’s knot related, a Theracane or similar trigger point massager can help, and for that particular point a stretch I use is to grab the arch of my same side foot (e.g. right & right) with my fingers, thumb pointing towards my heel, and pull. And you can take ibuprofen now!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes you’re right! I was in very bad physical shape pre pregnancy, struggling to lose the weight I had gained 2 years prior.

        Not sure how the stretch would work since I have a C section and trying to avoid bending. Ill google other ideas though thanks!

    9. Amity*

      No advice or experience but CONGRATS on the new baby! I wish you and your family all the best

    10. Dancing Otter*

      I assume your OB/gym was keeping an eye on your heart while you were pregnant? Because otherwise, that sounds uncomfortably close to one of the symptoms of heart disease in women.
      Then again, it could be a pulled muscle, a disc misalignment, or a spot of early arthritis.

    11. TPS reporter*

      I’ve dealt with back pain, not in that location. I found that the best solution for me was the chiropractor and learning some stretches from a physical therapist. You don’t need many appointments. With the PT you can learn and just do it at home. Also find an avcupressure massage ball and just roll around on it with the ball between your pain spot and the floor.

      The doctors just wanted to give me pain killers or think about surgery which turned out not to be necessary at all!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I made an appointment with a chiro. I did PT in May? and the therapist insisted that I come in 3 days a week, which didn’t work for me and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. That really put me off, I did try to find another therapist but then my prenatal appts increased to 2x a week and didn’t leave much time for other appts. Im open to PT again but hopefully someone that can work with my schedule and limitations.

    12. Annie Oakley*

      I had something almost exactly like you describe…it came up during my second pregnancy. Chiropractor gave me some immediate relief and felt back to normal after a few days. It recently came back and took 2 trips to my new chiropractor (moved away from previous one) to completely resolve. Definitely recommend trying a chiropractor. Not all chiropractors are equal, so if you don’t get relief, try a second one.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Wait: “7 days post partum”!?
      It sounds like there’s big news wrapped up in that sentence, being so very respectful of Alison’s new guidelines. So let’s make this MY question: how are you & yours doing?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Haha thank you! Had a last minute c section last Saturday due to preeclampsia. The c section stuff was ok but I was on a lot of meds/IVs that had weird side effects (the worst being swelling which made blood drawing impossible so I got stuck with needles about 20x unsuccessfully). It got better day by day. I’m able to walk without any issues and climb stairs slowly, just taking it easy

        Baby potato (spud? Tater tot?) is doing well as can be, i was 36 weeks so she was just a bit premature but growing and gaining well according to the peds. Just trying to get used to the routine so far. Still can’t believe she’s here and mine. <3

        2. valentine*

          Congratulations on Tater!

          I would try to get an MRI, X-ray, or physical, in order of usefulness.

      2. Disco Janet*

        Check last weekend’s thread – announcement was posted there! (Although I didn’t realize it was like THE day baby was born!)

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Heh not so much an announcement as much as a ? of what to get for a doctor who’s been great so far.

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I feel like I gotta address this again now that i’m actually awake (lol) – that wasn’t an announcement, it was a genuine question I had — not trying to be sneaky and circumvent any of the new rules.

    14. RagingADHD*

      Pregnancy screwed my back up all kinds of ways. When I get pain in the area you describe, it’s always because of sitting or lying propped in a position that feels comfortable at the time but is long-term bad news.

      There are some very good books & videos out there for postpartum pilates- the one I used was called “Pilates for New Mums,” IIRC.

      It starts out with just standing, alignment, and breathing, so it’s very safe. Not strenuous at all, but very helpful to start loosening the knots out.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you for the suggestion! I’ll see what I can do, once the doctor clears me for exercise I’ll try that. Right now walking is easy (oh My GOD I ACTUALLY FEEL SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT!). I weigh about 6 lbs less than I did pre pregnancy, I’m looking forward to getting back into exercising when it’s safe to do so.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Another alignment thing that is not exercise (seriously, it’s standing still and slightly tilting your head/shoulders) would be Alexander technique.

          I think there’s a book called either “Teach Yourself Alexander Technique” or “Learning AT at Home,” something like that.

          It fixed a recurring issue I was having with my hips, that my orthopedist just scratched his head over. Months and years of pain, and it was all a posture problem.

    15. The New Wanderer*

      Congratulations on the baby!

      When I was pregnant with my second, I managed to pull a rib out of joint. I finally saw a physical therapist who specialized in pregnant women and he was able to locate and fix the issue in minutes, plus recommended various stretches in case the issue recurred. I had pulled a muscle with my first and that pain lingered for a while because the muscle just kept getting more and more stretched as I got bigger. The rib issue was much more painful but more easily fixed.

      I will say that since then, I have issues with that part of my back/ shoulder once in a while, but rarely for more than a few hours.

      1. blackcat*

        Yeah, a physical therapist who specializes in pregnant women may be helpful. Sometimes their specialty is pelvic floor PT but they often have broader training as well.

        If the pain persists another 4 weeks or so, I’d push for an MRI or other scan. It *may* be pregnancy related, or it may be some other issue and an MRI may help reveal that.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Also, I remember I pulled a rib cage muscle a few years ago (not at all pregnancy related) and OUCH! that was super painful. Right now I’d say my back pain is more painful than the actual C-section pain. Glad it got better for you adn you feel better. <3

    16. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I sometimes get this awful pain in that area and up into the back of my throat that’s hard to describe. Less like stabbing, more like someone is trying to break my spine by twisting it. For me it seems to happen when I’ve been slouching or slumping over my keyboard a lot. It usually goes away if I lie down flat for a while and stretch out.

    18. allathian*

      Congrats!
      It’ll take a while for your ligaments to return to normal and for your C-section to heal, so core muscle exercise is not yet possible, but you could try some things to improve your posture. There are some gentle exercises you can do right after a vaginal birth or C-section. Google is your friend.

  43. Lusara*

    Is it a good idea to take money from your home equity to pay for college? Kid 1 is starting college next month and kid 2 is just a year behind. We don’t have a ton saved, maybe a year and a half to 2 years for each of them. With mortgage rates so low, we are looking innto refinancing. We have about $300k in equity. We’re thinking we could do a cash back refi and get $50-75k to help pay for college. We have 22 years left on the current mortgage and we could go do a 30 year with the cash out with essentially the same monthly payment. Is this a good idea?

    1. WellRed*

      I think if the college costs $50 to $75K you are spending too much on college, especially given all the uncertainty right now with COVID.

      I can’t speak to whether your plan is a good idea, but in general, I don’t think it’s a good idea to add to your debt burden. How old are you? Will you still be making mortgage payments in retirement?

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Actually that seems like a really reasonable amount for college to cost in the US — I graduated in 2013 and my college was about $20k/yr for tuition only. I had a merit scholarship that brought the cost down to about 5k/yr and lived at home and worked part time, but most kids are not that lucky.

        That said, I would not take on debt for kids to go to college. Have them go to community college for the first 2 years if possible for their degree. Are there local schools so you don’t have to pay the $$$ for a dorm room/meal plan. Are they working to chip in what they can on tution?

        1. Senor Montoya*

          I’m a fulltime professional advisor at a large state university:

          Be aware that two years at the comm college often does NOT mean you’re only paying for two years at the four year college/university. It depends on the school and it depends on the major. For instance, we have students come in with an associates degree, all their gen eds done, accepted into engineering major here at Large State University. It will take most of them three years to finish, usually with some summer school in there, because they did not take foundational engineering courses at the comm college (because they are not offered at the comm college). They can’t go into most junior year classes without those courses. They don’t have anything else to take because they’ve already finished all their gen eds.

          Check to see if the comm college has a detailed “critical path” for each major at the the university it is the feeder for. Check as well with the college/university your child wants to attend: what courses should they be taking their first two years? How many free electives are available in the major (those will give your kid wiggle room in registering once they get to the U)? are there courses in first or second year for the major that are not offered at the comm college and is it possible for non-degree students (that’s what your kid is until they enroll at the U) to take these courses? (sometimes those courses aren’t available in the regular school year but are open to non-degree students in the summer –ask about that). You may be able to see the degree requirements = all courses required for the major, look also for a semester-by-semester layout as that will show sequencing, which the list of degree requirements may not make clear.

          Unless your kid is for sure not going in a STEM direction, they need to be taking math “until it hurts” as a prof friend of mine would say. Calculus is often a key course and if your kind is thinking engineering or a physical science, make sure it’s the right calculus course (talk to an advisor in the major to get correct info).

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            True! That’s why I said if it fits their degree path.

            But so many people don’t know what they want to major in or change majors and end up taking 5+ yrs to graduate anyway. And IME it is the room and board $$$ that really make the college bill go up.

            1. Senor Montoya*

              AGreed. I just know from experience working w transfer students that they don’t know what “degree path”means. Especially first gen and under-resourced students and their families.

        2. Nacho*

          My college was $10k/year for tuition. As long as you’re going to an instate public college, there’s no reason why it should be too much more than that, much less double.

          1. Lusara*

            In-state cost of attendance at our state schools is $20k to $30k per year, depending on the school. Our higher ed funding sucks. And there’s two kids so it’s double.

          2. Aza*

            When did you graduate? Our in state school is $15k per year for tuition and they estimate about $15k per year in living expenses.

      2. Enough*

        Actually for 4 years that is not a bad amount. And whether or not it’s a bad idea is very subjective. We actually took out a home equity loan when our daughter was starting high school (had no mortgage) and put away the amount we would have saved over the first 4 years of the loan for college (that we were now using to pay the loan) and then used the rest.

      3. Lusara*

        The college doesn’t cost that much per year. That would be to pay for several years.

    2. university minion*

      You can borrow for college. You can’t borrow for retirement.
      How are your retirement savings coming along? If you are behind on that, get on it, even if it means paying less towards higher ed for the kids. Your financial independence in old age is a greater gift to your kids.

      1. Can I get a Wahoo?*

        Agreed!

        I would be very reluctant to pay full price for college right now with many schools going online only and not offering any discount. Not the question you were asking, but is there a way for kid 1 to take classes at a local community college where credits would transfer while deferring their college admissions for a year?

    3. OtterB*

      We did this, though not quite so much, and I don’t regret it. But it does depend on whether you have other retirement savings – we had 401Ks that we had built up in the years when we were DINKs (double income no kids) and could let coast for a while.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I don’t think so. Help if you have cash on hand to the extent you can. They can go to community college, get jobs, etc. Or even borrow on their own if needed. But don’t put yourself in more debt. Especially if you would feel bad if they never graduated (higher percentage than you would think).

    5. Belle*

      Withdrawing could impact financial aid too. It would be included in income calcs and could make you less likely to qualify based on income.

      2. Enough*

        Most financial aid is loans too. My first (out of state public) was not eligible for anything. The second (in state public) was eligible for work study only. Third was not eligible for work study but the school did give income based grants that varied each year that were small. She had a merit scholarship which was the only way we could make it work. I declined all loans.

    6. Sparrow*

      My parents did this. I can’t speak to whether or not it’s a good idea from their perspective because I don’t know the full picture of their finances. But their logic is that the interest rate on the home equity loan is lower than the interest rate on federal student loans. We will pay them back with interest once we are working full time, but with flexibility in case of job loss/unexpected other expenses. My siblings and I have graduated/are on track to graduate on time with good grades and work experience, and we are financially responsible, so I forsee this being a win-win for everyone. But it depends on your overall financial picture and what you know of your daughters.

    7. Me*

      I wouldn’t personally do a cash out refi. I would do pretty much everything I could to avoid it.

      You have a year and a half to two years saved for each. Each child can borrow $5500 their first year, $6500 their second and $7500 for their last two years. They should take these loans each year, allowing you to extend every bit of your nearly 2 years of college money.

      And then you should consider looking at your own budget and seeing where you can cut to provide more money. You should consider having them work (if it’s feasible in this pandemic) now and when they are in college and during the summers.

      But don’t literally mortgage your own retirement to give them college for free. If you haven’t saved enough then you haven’t saved enough.

      You didn’t mention in your OP much in the way of specifics like whether your oldest is dorming next month or attending a local college and commuting or going way across the country. It’s too late for that child to find one that fits your budget, but consider that idea with both of them.

    8. Johanna*

      No. Do not do this. If your kids want to go to college for free, they can work hard and get a scholarship/tuition waiver. Tell them this beforehand.

    9. Aza*

      When are you looking to retire? Would this mean you’d be paying a mortgage in retirement?

      One option is to have them take out loans for the amount you can’t cover. And later if you get more financially secure you can help pay off their loans. It seems like a lot of equity to sacrifice of you pull out your money right now, especially with an unstable job market.

    10. Anon for this*

      It depends on these factors: what is your age? What is your amount you save in retirement? How much debt overall do you carry? How secure is your income? Why not refi to a 15 year (or less)? It’s not an awful plan if you have a high income and you don’t have any other debt.

  44. lapgiraffe*

    I share a yard with some downstairs neighbors and need to have a sit down with them about their two dogs and the destruction of the yard, am curious what is reasonable to ask of them.

    In short, a year after moving in they got one and then a year later a second rescue dog, both are relatively well behaved and they’ve had some formal training, but the owners don’t make them live a very structured “trained” life. They are free to roam our fenced in yard and trample any and every plant they desire. Before the dogs we worked together on a beautiful back yard and I’m trying to garden, but the letting the dogs roam free is wearing on my patience. Not to mention the dog poop…

    Is it reasonable to train dogs to not go certain places, like stay out of the beds and lower raised beds that they’re able to get into? To stay on the grass and that’s it. What are my options here?

    For what it’s worth we are both owners, they are nice people if young and not always the brightest (for starters he’s been focused on growing a grassy yard and yet can’t understand how his dogs doing their dog thing – wrestling and running and stop and going, and again not to mention the effect of this being their bathroom – is the reason the grass is patchy and the new growth won’t stay, even though I’ve explained this to him. He just puts down new seed and gets mad at the ground).

    They know it’s a problem in some way because they’ll try to get them out of the plant beds when I’m around (but not when I’m not outside with them, I can see from my kitchen window that when I’m not present they just let them trample away) and also by moving certain furniture to block off the dogs access to some growing veggies (in low boxes but still, not just on the ground they have to actually get jump to get into them) but that both looks terrible and blocks the sun.

    I *feel* like it’s an issue of they just don’t want to deal at the end of the day, they’re too tired to police their dogs and just want them to do their business and get some air with as little active work from them as possible (they do not take them on walks, either, so double down on lazy owner and pent up dog energy) but when I talk to them (soon!!!) I want to bring as many reasonable solutions as possible.

    1. Enough*

      The 2 immediate things I thought of were some garden fencing around the plants and they have to pick up after the dogs. A little extreme would be to divide the area in half, if possible and large enough, with some fencing.

      1. WellRed*

        Yep, what you want is reasonable, but it might be easier to take on the work of this yourself, such as fencing or some sort of stinky flowers that will turn the dogs away. It is absolutely 100% reasonable that they pick up the dog poop daily. Yes, they sound lazy.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        Definitely not a splittable yard unfortunately, and the problem with garden fencing is the dogs are big enough that they’d just look like Godzilla stomping on the garden city below. They currently enjoying jumping into a planter box that is about 2 feet tall. To physically stop them without adult intervention would require it to be at least 2 feet high, and I’ve considered making and fencing in a veggie growing area for next year but for general landscaping (the bulk of the problem) it would not work.

        1. university minion*

          You may just have to modify your expectations a bit then.
          Expecting the owners to be on top of picking up poop – 1000% reasonable and this would be my hill to die on.
          Expecting dogs to resist cool, soft, diggable dirt in an elevated perch once they’ve already gotten a taste of how amazing it is? Not gonna happen.
          An inexpensive experiment for next year would be to see if they can be dissuaded by soft “fencing” over a bed, like bird netting. Many dogs are lazy at heart, and even a minimal barrier is enough. No way to know unless you try.

        2. BRR*

          Since it seems like you’re on friendly terms and they’re at least mildly considerate, I’d probably approach them with the problem itself instead of approaching it as a solution. Try to think of a workable solution as a group. I’d also mention that you appreciate their effort so far in keeping the dogs out of certain areas. But I think one party can’t do this on their own. They want to be able to let their dogs out unsupervised and you want your plants to be undisturbed. The poop to me is non negotiable and a separate issue.

          And you can in theory train a dog to not walk in a certain area but it would be difficult to do outside and wouldn’t be the avenue I would pursue.

    2. fposte*

      This isn’t a common thing in my region, so I don’t know how it works: are there terms in your deed about ownership of/access to the yard, and what specifically do they say? It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, in that each owner seems likely to feel the yard is theirs. And both of you are doing normal yard things; it’s just your normal yard things are mutually exclusive.

      I’m a big believer in training dogs, but I gotta say it is *super* hard to train dogs to stay out of certain areas of the yard. If this is genuinely a yard with shared ownership, I think you have to accept there’s been a change in the status quo and that you’ll want to figure out some changes you can make to protect your beds better. Then I’d focus on the dog poop–that’s something dog owners have full control over picking up, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        Yes, a recipe for disaster indeed. Usually only one unit (our region has many two and three unit houses) is deeded the yard, but for some reason ours is a common space. I think I’m more concerned about doing things to the yard that everyone agrees with, while they like to do what they please and then ask me if it’s ok after it’s done….I’m just waiting on some awful above ground pool to appear and then I will not be so nice…

        1. fposte*

          It sounds like a conversation on “how we share the yard” is way overdue. I’d really encourage you to drop the preconception of “lazy,” though; it’s going to make agreement harder, and by them,, they’re letting their dogs run in their yard, which is a pretty common dog owner thing to do.

          1. lapgiraffe*

            Oh 100% will not call them lazy to their face, and also I understand completely why they want to let the dogs out instead of taking a walk at the end of a long day. I know it’s not malicious on their part but many of the issues at play definitely stem from a slacker “someone else will take care of it” mindset. And ya know, I’ve encouraged that in other ways, I’m the house mom who arranges any work and keeps the budget and functions as the “adult,” I swear I use tactics from this website more for them than I do for work sometimes!

            But you’re right, time is right for a check in, the new dog has been here for maybe two months now so enough time to have our “how’s it going” chat. Pre-dogs we seemed much more on the same page with the shared spaces and have worked well together, and I think also it’s a good time related to covid – we’re all home all the time, we both like to host friends in the back yard since our social options are so limited, I think approaching it from “life has changed a lot let’s make sure we’re all on the same page” will be a good talk.

            1. fposte*

              Sounds like a plan, and it sounds also like you’ve done some good ground-laying before this.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My pup was digging holes in the back yard. He dug so many holes that even HE was upset when trying to navigate his run. It was winter and it was icy. I could see that I was going to break an ankle if I tried to physically pull him in.

      I got the holes filled in when spring came. When he started to dig again, I bought some cheap mild cayenne pepper in a big bottle. Yeah, cheap stuff.
      Important part: I sprinkled some on my hand to make sure it would not burn. Some cayenne can burn. It was fine. I sprinkled cayenne in the new holes, filled the holes and sprinkled some on top. End of problem. The dog walked out and around the pepper. And after several times doing this, the dog gave up on digging.

      Even a big jar of cheap black pepper should work well enough. Sprinkle it around the edges of your garden. Give it a chance, they have to figure out they don’t want this stuff on their paws. So it might be a day or two.
      You will have to reapply after rain storms.

    5. MechanicalPencil*

      I’d expect your neighbors to be on top of keeping the dog waste cleaned up. Keeping large dogs out of flower beds is a definite challenge. However, it’s worth trying to determine if the dogs are just wanting easy dig spots or are sniffing your nice herbs. Or sampling your strawberries (just ask my dogs).

      If it’s for digging purposes, you can create designated dig spots, like a sandbox for dogs. There’s some websites with suggestions on how to make it work, though your neighbors will have to train their dogs appropriately. And the cayenne trick totally works without damaging your own garden.

    6. Black Horse Dancing*

      I would look into cattle panels. Two large dogs should respect those. Fence the yard areas because training a dog to stay out of part A and only play in Part B is not easy. Someone suggested invisible fencing–I wouldn’t. It’s expensive, you have to train the dogs to respect it and thee are numerous issues with it. (You’re electroshocking a helpless animal, some breeds are prone to run through it, these are not your dogs, etc.)

  45. PseudoMona*

    Has anyone had success disputing a credit card closure for non-activity? This is a card I’ve had for 20 years and the bank closed it without any notice. I’m concerned how this may affect my credit score.

    1. Enough*

      Most will close accounts that are not used for a long time. And apparently more credit card companies are doing this as well as lowering the limits now. Apparently there is some fear that people will run up the cards with no way to pay because of the pandemic. The effect of the closing is usually small and short lived. And the history of this card will stay on your report for years. They credit companies don’t just drop it because it’s been closed. The biggest effect would be if it makes a big difference in your utilization rate. Or because this is an old card and your other cards are much newer. But unless you are in the market for a new loan very soon I wouldn’t worry about it.

    2. Generic Name*

      I had my credit limit lowered on a card I barely used. I was a bit insulted (I know, I’m silly) so I called and asked them to go ahead and cancel it. I’m sure it did affect my credit score, but it was minor.

    3. BRR*

      Have you had other credit for a long time? The other thing I’d consider is do I need a good credit score anytime soon?

    4. Alex*

      Ugh, this just happened to me, too! I think they are going through accounts and cancelling due to the economy.

      I quick made sure my other cards were active. Fortunately, for me, the card wasn’t my oldest card, just my biggest credit limit, and it only affected my credit score about 10 points. But still, it REALLY pissed me off. I just lost a huge amount of credit.

      No advice, just commiseration. I feel like I’ve been punished for not needing my credit line!

    5. Lcsa99*

      If it helps, I had a card canceled for non use a year or so ago and it didn’t affect my score. It might actually be a little better now but that might be from other factors.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Having an unused card sitting open isn’t helping your credit score anyway. It’s not going to hurt anything to have it closed.

      Using credit & paying it off raises your score. Sitting there unused does nothing.

      1. That'll happen*

        Credit utilization is 30% of your credit score. If a card is closed, your utilization % increases, which can lower your credit score.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I don’t understand how credit scores work, so my experience might not be relevant, but a few years ago I paid off my credit card then didn’t use it for a while so the bank closed it. As I obviously wasn’t using it I didn’t worry about it for a while, but then a year or so later decided to get one again. The bank approved it no problem, and now I use it for all my online purchases (set up to pay the full balance automatically every month).

  46. Anonymous Educator*

    I’m fairly good at suspending disbelief and getting into a movie or TV show, but every now and then I get hyper aware of the process of filming stuff. For what it’s worth, I’m not a filmmaker, and I’ve never been involved in any kind of film or TV production. But if I see a scene in a which a character knocks down a bookshelf full of books and throws all the food out of the fridge on to the floor, my immediate thought is “What poor production assistant has to pick all of that stuff up?” Or if a character has to vomit (I’m assuming it’s fake vomit they put in their mouth), I always think “God, I hope they didn’t have to do 20 takes of that scene.” Or if there’s a scene that involves 20-30 cars from the 1980s, I always wonder “How did they get all those old cars? Does someone seriously just store those in a warehouse?”

    I didn’t use to do this when I was younger. I think the extent to which my mind did this decades ago was “Oh, that’s a stunt double for sure” or “Those are such terrible special effects.”

    Am I the only one who thinks this way when watching TV shows and movies?

    1. Enough*

      I do occasionally. Apparently they had an unending supply of Buick centuries for crash scenes. Mostly it’s about the stupidity of things like how the bad guys with automatic weapons with an endless supply of bullets never hit the good guys but the good guys with a pistol get them every time.

    2. A313*

      Oh, yes! One for me is when you have two characters in the front seat of the car driving somewhere and the driver keeps turning to look at the passenger — I’m always thinking “keep your eyes on the road!” Or when a character gets home and the camera follows them into the house, there is never a scene where they close the door behind them, and I think about the supposedly open door. Sometimes I wonder about the food they are eating or drinking — some of it can’t really be what it looks to be, especially alcohol or ice cream, can it? And I have similar thoughts about the books and the old cars, too.

      1. Enough*

        Yes for the driving. For drinks it gets me on NCIS when it is so obvious that there is nothing in the coffee cups. Alcohol is usually tea for the whiskeys.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I HATE when they have cups with nothing in them! Just put water in it, FFS! Everyone can tell you’re drinking nothing!

      2. Koala dreams*

        I’m the same way with the driving. Look at the road! And if someone does look at the road on tv, I nod to myself. That’s the way to do it.

      3. knead me seymour*

        I think on-screen ice cream is usually mashed potatoes. I really enjoyed the “Good Place” podcast for a lot of behind-the-scenes details like this. Since frozen yogurt is a bit of a fixture on the show, the cast had to eat a lot of mashed potatoes over the years.

      5. hermit crab*

        The driving thing always makes me nervous, especially because there are plenty of tv/movie scenes where characters are doing that and then they crash or get T-boned by a bus or something. I’m always like: is this going to be a THING or are they really just driving somewhere??

    3. Chocolate Teapot*

      There are some episodes of a BBC programme “Spendaholics” on Youtube in which a finance coach and a psychiatrist sort out somebody’s financial and personal problems (since there is often a connection).

      Each episode starts with “Shock Tactics” showing how much money somebody is spending on meals or cocktails/drinks, by cramming a room with plates of food or glasses of drink. I can’t help thinking it’s a waste!

    4. Shell*

      Yes, absolutely. I’ve been watching “The Americans” (which is a great show!) and wondering “where do you get 1980s acid-wash jeans that look brand new?” and “Who kept the styrofoam clamshells that fast-food burgers used to come in?”

        1. Batgirl*

          I want to know who got the props for the 70s prequel of prime suspect. My mother kept squeeling in recognition of vintage objects “I had one of them!” and they looked so new.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I’m not familiar with that production but most likely either they were eBay finds and were new, or they were reproductions and the props dept literally made them. Or possibly they were eBay finds that were old and the props folks made them look new.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        On Big Bang Theory, I get distracted by contemplating Howard’s costuming and wondering where they get that stuff. It seems like all his clothing are either masculine cut/feminine material or feminine cut/masculine material. Or he dresses like a hipster Beatle. I have trouble putting my finger on what exactly it is about his clothes, and it takes up room in my head while I’m watching.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      I don’t know about cars from the 80s, but for period pieces set before 1960 or so, classic car collectors are usually very happy to let their babies be filmed (for compensation, of course!), but they can be squeamish about letting the cars get dirtied-up. If you watch O Brother Where Art Thou, in a couple of scenes you can see that the cars they’re in were dirtied up on one side, but you can catch a glimpse of the side that wasn’t intended to be filmed, and it’s gleaming chrome, perfect condition, gorgeously clean! It makes me laugh every time I see it.

    6. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I gather the “vomit” is usually canned soup.

      It does put me off the relevant types of soup, tbf.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >It does put me off the relevant types of soup, tbf.
        No kidding. Yucko. Barf (pardon the word choice).

    7. OperaArt*

      This isn’t the bigger question you’re asking, but I can answer the cars question. I do background/extra work on occasion for TV and films.
      The cars are most likely owned by the people driving them. A casting notice will go out for people who own cars of a certain age and condition. There are certain colors that are generally avoided. The car owner and the car are hired for the day or days.
      My car was used once in a TV show where I actually had lines. My character drove my car. The logos were obfuscated with tape, and a fake license plate was attached.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Fascinating! Thank you for your answer! I love learning about super-specialized subject matter.

    8. Square Root of Minus One*

      More the process of writing than filming, but yes.
      I went to see Lucky Strike (a Korean movie) earlier this week and I was picking up on a lot of writing tricks. Suffice to say the director likes echoes a LOT.

    9. Magdalena*

      I recently watched a film on Netflix that threw me a little bit because there are a number of scenes that looked very realistic. I’d get distracted thinking about the logistics of how they managed the shots. At least I’m in good company; the fandom has a whole thing about what was real/not real.

      I’m also usually pretty good about shutting the nitpicky part of my brain down when I’m trying to enjoy something but I do tend to notice casting quirks. I prefer certain genres like sci-fi & period dramas that are typically produced in either Canada or England, meaning that the same actors tend to pop up fairly frequently. One of the funniest moments for me was watching one of the Sally Lockhart films with Billie Piper & realising that, oh, I didn’t know that the Doctor (#11) was in this too.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        My kids and I still like watching Murder, She Wrote and looking for actors who have played different parts in other episodes.

    10. Aphrodite*

      What really bothers me is the cooking shows focused on contests, things like Cutthroat Kitchen, Masterchef (all the countries’ versions), Hell’s Kitchen and more. The apparent waste of food is, well, phenomenal, and it makes me sick. I remember one HK show where they were giving previously eliminated contestants a chance to return and the first test was how many perfectly sauteed eggs each contestant could turn out. The judges showed terrible contempt and threw most of the dishes into trash cans, throwing out not only the cooked eggs but breaking the dishes as well.

      It is just unbelievable, and it makes me very, very angry to see all that food go to waste. Even though I am sure staff gets to eat it if they want that still leaves a massive amount of waste–and serious contempt at the food itself.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I remember reading that the numbers of people involved in producing The Great British Bake Off mean that even when each contestant is making say 48 sausage rolls and 36 profiteroles, there’s still not enough for everyone to try.

        But there is something really distasteful about binning food on programmes. It seems most jarring when it’s eg seafood or meat and they just discard a whole creature. I’m absolutely not vegan but that’s kind of crass.

        1. WS*

          Yes, the baking shows are notorious for not wasting their food, and having crew members eager to work on the shows for this reason!

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            I still remember one programme where a celebrity chef secretly helped somebody with their dinner party, but the guests didn’t know. The dessert was a tart, and the pastry should have contained sugar. On being told the non-sugar pastry she had made would not work (it was chilling in the fridge, as you should do with pastry), the woman threw the pastry in the bin!

    11. RagingADHD*

      I used to work in entertainment, and yeah -I think this way all the time.

      If the movie is bad, I’m hyperaware and it’s another layer of stuff that bugs me. But if it’s good, I appreciate the artistry and choices that went into it.

      1. I take tea*

        I’m really annoying to watch action or historical movies with, because I always pick on things like the perfect make up in the djungle on the third day or the girl with long hair flowing in the wind (especially on a sailing ship – hello PotC, where the girl sneaking in dressed as a man kept the clothes when discovered, but let loose the hair!). Those things make me sufficiently annoyed to be thrown out of the story.

        But give me a well made historical drama and then a Behind the scenes, and I’m happy! The BBC Pride and Prejudice did that, and it still is one of my favourites.

    12. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Sometimes I wonder about things like who does the cleaning on the Enterprise.

    13. The Rat-Catcher*

      I do this too. I always notice “aside scenes” when two characters face away from the group to have a “private” conversation but don’t moderate their tone at all, so that of course everyone can still hear them. Generally the show at least does us the favor of not showing the other characters, so we can pretend, but I always think that it must take a special kind of chops to not even subconsciously acknowledge the conversation.

    14. allathian*

      1980s cars are common, but I get thrown by period shows like Boardwalk Empire, with streets full of 1920s and earlier cars. I always wonder how many of them are real and how many are CGI. Whenever I watch period dramas set in the late 19th or early 20th century I’m always grateful that I don’t have to wear such hideously uncomfortable-looking corsets.

  47. another cat question*

    Has anyone managed to successfully leash-train their cat … without the cat spending the day whining/scratching/meowing at the door whenever it wants to go out? I can do the leash-training … I just don’t know how to get the cat to *not* ask to go out all day long. That becomes annoying quickly.

    1. sswj*

      Never, ever give in when they are being obnoxious. Always pick a moment when they are doing something else, (wake them from a nap, for instance) even if you have to create that moment with treats in another room or a spritz of water at them when they are being too whiny at the door. It’s really easy to inadvertently train them to yell for as long as it takes to get what they want!

      You can also teach them that complaining at the door gets them a time-out in the bathroom/bedroom/laundry, but again this needs to be done Every. Single. Time. The more you can be rigid about the rules at the outset, the better it will get. You might get an extinction burst – that is, it gets worse for a bit before it gets better, but after that they assimilate the new rules/routines and things get much better very quickly.

      1. I take tea*

        You can try with a certain routine: the cat gets to go out after breakfast, or after dinner or something like that, and never other times. And, as sswj says: never give in to the whining!

        And to go out with a cat is quite different from walking a dog. It’s more of long stretches of looking at things, a lot of grazing and occasional spurts of energy.

    2. Qwerty*

      Are you able to crack a window in a spot where the cat likes to sit? We used to partially open our sliding door or open a window which greatly reduces the meowing to go outside, because the cat had fresh air as a consolation prize.

      For the pawing at the door – we had a stick leaned up against the screen door to prevent the cat from pawing at the screen until it opened (he ripped a hole this way). Pawing would knock over the stick and he’d go running, so he learned pretty quickly to leave it alone. (Not a fancy stick – just a simple dowel that we used as an extra way of securing the sliding door at night, which had to be removed from the door track anyway to open it)

      1. another cat question*

        The cat has access to a balcony, but really wants to expand territory. Fresh air is not enough. We got the cat as an older cat (8 yrs), and it was clearly used to much bigger territory than it has now. We live in a high-rise, so can’t just let it outside.

  48. Anonyomiss*

    For those who finally initiated a divorce, how did you make the final decision. I’m not happy, but I’m not miserable, and I keep circling. My therapist said only I can decide when/if it’s worth ending things after 25(!) years. But I have no models. Growing up, all I saw were people sucking it up OR moving back in with family, and that’s so not my reality.

    1. university minion*

      If nothing about your relationship changed, how long would you be okay with that? A month? A year? 10 years? If the answer isn’t, “I’d be fine if nothing changes.”, there’s your answer.

    2. fposte*

      To put together what you’re saying and what university minion said. You’re very focused on the “after 25 years.” What about the next 25 years? What do you want them to look like?

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Wait… 25 years? I mean, unless you’re on year 24 and 6 months now, that sounds like horsepucky.

      1. fposte*

        I think that’s what she’s saying–they’ve been married 25 years and she’s thinking about ending it.

    4. Might be Spam*

      Here’s my two cents. I was in denial for many years even though it was obvious that he was never going to act in good faith. He knew what to say to string me along but never actually followed through. I tried to avoid thinking about divorce and kept finding excuses to stay married.

      I finally realized that I wanted to be a good example to my daughter. If I wanted her to feel able to stand up for herself and believe that she deserved to be treated well, then I needed to show her that I could do it.

      I was married for 36 years and I am so glad that I finally took action and stopped letting life pass me by. The things I feared so much about being single, turned out to be easier BECAUSE I am single. I deeply appreciate not feeling responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, reputation and happiness. Now I realize that I never really was responsible, he just wanted me to be responsible. Also, my age (60) didn’t mean that it was too late and I might as well just wait for eventual death. I didn’t know how bad my marriage was until I got out.

      My stress level is so much lower now. I feel at least 10 years younger and I’m healthier. Living alone, even with being isolated because of the pandemic, is so much better than most of my marriage.

      I am finally learning to be myself. I am proud of the progress I am making. I’m open to new experiences and found out that I am good at things that I used to be afraid to try. My life is far from perfect, but it is my life and I am more than content. I am happy.

      You are the only one who decides what is right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

      1. sswj*

        ” I deeply appreciate not feeling responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, reputation and happiness. ”

        OMG, so much yes to this. Mine was more of a mental divorce from that, as I wrote below, but still an enormous load off. I can only do so much to make someone else happy, I can’t and now will NOT take responsibility for it all. That one rearrangement was pretty well a life-changer for me.

    5. sswj*

      This is not quite the answer you’re looking for, but I’ve been (maybe am still?) where you are now. And I’m still here, but with changes.

      We’ve been married 29 years, together for almost 40. I have been very, VERY close to ending it a few times but life circumstances always seemed to intervene so I’m still here. Some good things that make it easier for me to stay:
      -I know I’m loved and valued, and that’s no small thing in this world.
      -There has never, ever been any breath of anger or abuse AT me. There absolutely are anger management issues but I am simply the sounding board or audience, never the direct target.
      -Though we are married I have control over my life and my choices. I can pretty much do whatever I want now.

      This last point is really why I’ve chosen to stay, but on my own terms rather than ‘sucking it up’. In the last few years I have gotten very good at advocating for my own happiness. My spouse has kind of been floundering and adrift for a while, always feeling put-upon (not by me but by management and coworkers), misunderstood, and having a hard time getting along at work. It makes Spouse miserable and hard to live with. I can’t really fix that, but what I could (and did) do was to make MY end of our life what I needed it to be. I went so far as to sell our house and move us an hour south to be closer to my own support system and my job. Spouse was rudderless, someone had to steer the ship. My waiting around for them to get their feet on the ground was doing nothing good for either of us. They agreed to the move, or rather were too apathetic to say anything one way or another, so I went full steam ahead. Best thing I’ve ever done.

      What makes me sad is that I have grown so very much in this relationship, *and because of this relationship*, and I have grown almost too confident, if that makes sense. I don’t actually want to live with anyone anymore, but I can’t afford to live on my own without an enormous, expensive, and difficult restructuring. I also cannot bear to hurt my spouse and will do almost anything to avoid it. So I put up with the temper tantrums, the endless TV noise, the collecting of stuff and the mess. (And that collection of stuff and lack of organizational skills means that there is no removing Spouse from this place. I would have to leave and I very much don’t want to do that!)

      I now also use my words to say what I need, what I am feeling, and, when asked, give an honest opinion about how Spouse had handled something. No more hiding my thoughts, stewing in private. I’m not mean or shrewish, but I’m not sugarcoating much either. I won’t fight, but I will hold firm. That has really helped us both, actually. Spouse is now very aware of how their moods affect me, and how they need to listen to what I say and mean to play a part in my happiness, just as I need to do the same for them.

      If Spouse got whisked away by aliens I would happily live alone** and enjoy my freedom. But for now the happiness I have moved heaven and earth to find here in our new place outweighs the marital issues and occasional job loss bombshells. With my own new job I have security now, and shortly our finances should be better. Oddly enough, now that I *could* go I don’t want to as much, that safety net has made the rest of the nonsense bearable. So I’m neither sucking it up nor moving in with family, but I am divorcing myself from our previous relationship and am working my ass off to build a new version, bolstered by my own confidence and contentment.

      **(Spouse is away on a job for 3 months and I am having the time of my life living alone, especially after 2 months of Covid-togetherness!)

      I think this probably wasn’t all that helpful to you, So I hope others chime in too. Feeling stuck is awful, I hope you can find your own path, whatever that may be.

    6. Ktelzbeth*

      I was with my now ex for a much shorter time than you, but I wavered for a while and then made my decision pretty much in an instant when one Saturday I started crying when I finished my errands and had to turn for home. I hadn’t really thought I was that miserable, but I guess I was.

    8. Batgirl*

      I initiated a divorce before I was really ready to get divorced on the advice of a great marriage counsellor who basically said that my complaints needed to be addressed to make the marriage successful and if he didn’t see I was serious upon initiating divorce proceedings, he never would.
      My ex tried everything to get me back to the status quo without doing any of the changes and like Status Quo said it was time to “stand up for herself and believe that she deserved to be treated well”.
      Like you, I was initially stuck on the sunk cost fallacy of how many years I’d already invested, instead of focusing on trying not to waste any more.
      By the time it was finalised I was ecstatic to be free and so excited about all the things I would do with that freedom. I didn’t know the half of the love and the adventures that were waiting for me!
      It was not until I was free that I realised how heavy an extra person in your boat can be; unless they make you very, very happy and lend a hand with the oars.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Not sure if this applies to you, but I’ve been surprised to find that divorcing late in life is a lot better than I expected. I really expected to be sad and lonely and pathetic. Instead it feels like freedom and hope.
        At first, I felt guilty about not being sad because that’s what people expected to see. Now I just let my serenity flow.

    9. tangerineRose*

      I think you need to decide what you want. It seems like most couples go through some unhappy times, but it sounds like this has been a very long time, and that he’s doing (or not doing) things that make you unhappy. At that point, you need to take care of yourself. You don’t want to go through the rest of your life unhappy.

  49. scarletPanda*

    Favorite tips for dealing with COVID-19?

    I’ve really been appreciating curbside takeout.
    I’ve got a few shelves in my house that I use to quarantine purchases (mostly food) for a week. (I know they say transmission this way isn’t that likely, but I’d rather be careful.)
    I put the date on a small piece of paper to show when I brought in the item.
    I have a couple of sections in the fridge that I call the Covid sections – when I bring in groceries, I put cold stuff in those sections – when I take stuff from those sections, I wash them first.
    I’ve kind of given up on the freezer and just consider all of it possible Covid.
    I’ve made several masks so that it’s easier to have one on hand.
    I have a section on the table where I open mail and look at bills.I’ll open the mail, spread out the bills so I can see the amounts and date due, etc., wash my hands, write down the amounts, company names, due dates, pay them, put the bills in a “file later” section, wash my hands again.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Carrying just one mask is not enough and I have no idea why. So I just cut to the solution side of the problem, I carry two masks. I cannot believe how often I grab that second mask.

      So my older friend was keeping one mask in her purse at all times. Annnnd when she went for it, some how it just was not there. I laughed and told her about having to carry two masks. She agreed and she now carries two masks.

    2. nep*

      I wipe down shared surfaces in the house with a bleach solution several times a day. I also wipe down anything I bring in from outside–groceries and delivered packages. Wash hands with soap countless times a day. Spray hand sanitiser with me at all times. Mask, of course.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      I’ve been doing this too, but slightly less organized. I have a designated spot for opening letters and always wash my hands after. If something doesn’t need to be opened urgently, I just unceremoniously dump them in a corner of my apartment, disinfect it, and leave it there for 2-3 (sometimes a whole month!) weeks.

    4. Laura H.*

      Get some outside time! I have a porch and I make a point to get outside on it semi-regularly. Helps my mood greatly. Plus I get to wave at the cute families on their walks thru the neighborhood.

    5. Gertie*

      One thing I don’t see frequently listed is to keep your nails as short as comfortable-makes it easier to wash your hands effectively. Doesn’t sound like you’re going out much, but to remember that the amount of time you spend in a place is a factor. I also wouldn’t go in a public restroom after reading how toilet flushing can aerosolize droplets.

    6. voluptuousfire*

      Oh, all my groceries/deliveries get wiped down with soapy water and left out to air dry on my porch. ONce they’re dry I spray them with homemade bleach spray and let it air dry, then I’ll bring in. Boxes are usually left out for a day or two before I open them. Any frozen stuff gets wiped down with a Lysol wipe.

      Kitchen gets wiped down once a week, bathroom the same.

  50. lazy intellectual*

    Maybe COVID/quarantining is making me cranky, but am I the only one who gets annoyed when people ask me what my “weekend plans” are? I’m not talking about coworkers trying to make polite small talk – I mean some friends and my parents who speak to me regularly and know what my lifestyle has been like throughout lockdown. It’s like…what do you think I’m doing? I will be what I’m always doing nowadays doing: sewing masks, cooking, cooking, cooking, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, taking my daily walks, and Zoom. It’s annoying because it reminds me of the fact that I’m missing out on my usual fun summer activities.

    Although, I might as well ask, what are some activities you have been able to do this summer despite COVID and that kind of breaks up the monotony? Unfortunately, traveling too far/going hiking is not accessible to me at the moment.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been doing some geocaching – though depending on your location and travel limits, you may not have many possible caches within your accessible area. (It’s a kind of treasure hunt game based on GPS coordinates, with the containers ranging from tiny ones with room for a little strip of paper to sign all the way to huge ones that can contain books, toys, and other loot.) Many caches are “park and grab” types or other urban variations – magnetic boxes under benches, containers tucked into guardrails, that kind of thing. It can make a nice little expedition on its own, or can be combined with trips to the supermarket or local parks. Basic membership is free, and you can browse the geocaching site to see if it interests you. [You would need some kind of GPS device; most smartphones have that capability. Some of the park-and-grab versions could be findable without a GPS, just by using Google maps.]

      I also visit a lot of Little Free Libraries to swap books, and sometimes there will be a geocache/LFL combination – those are fun to find!

    2. Ice Bear*

      I dunno, coming from the perspective that hardly anyone in my family/friend circle cares enough to ask me how I’m doing or what I’m up to, I would be thrilled to be asked, even if the answer is rather mundane right now.

        1. Ice Bear*

          I’m sorry to hear that. I thought with everyone being stuck at home I’d hear from people more, not less. It’s very strange. I’m pretty mentally exhausted from always being the one to reach out so I’ve only been talking to one friend who actually cares enough to keep in touch.

    3. fposte*

      It sounds like you’re keenly feeling the difference between the summer weekends of 2019 and 2020, and I can get behind that. I’m not sure the question has to mean “What are you doing that you’d have done last summer?”, though; it’s just conversation that could be answered by “Going to watch old Full House episodes” or “It’s a big soup weekend around here.” Maybe the underlying frustration is how keenly aware that makes you of what you’d like to be doing and aren’t going to be; if so, I absolutely think you can put that down to corona and say to family et al. “You know, that question makes me sad these days because it just makes me miss my usual summer weekends. I’d love to retire that question for a while if possible and just stick to asking me what I’m cooking or what I saw on my walk.”

      1. lazy intellectual*

        You’re right – I think my frustration is more with circumstances than with the question itself.

    4. Might be Spam*

      Frankly, if you were going to sort socks this weekend, it would be exciting to me. People are starved for connections and running out of conversation.

      What are you doing on Zoom? So far, I’ve done Tai Chi, singalongs, and folk dancing. My downstairs neighbor is deaf so she doesn’t mind the singing. Time lag means we have to mute ourselves, so nobody else minds my singing either.

      I don’t know when this will be over, but I amuse myself by making plans to visit people all over the world that I meet on Zoom. Yesterday I was in Nebraska, California, Washington DC, Italy and Canada.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        You’re right – I think I’m just more frustrated with quarantine and shouldn’t be too judgmental at people’s questions lol.

        I’m just using Zoom for casual chats with friends. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we watch a movie or play games on Steam. Curious, how have you been meeting people on Zoom? I’m thinking of looking for some virtual events but don’t even know what I would be interested in.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          (If anybody has some interesting links, let me know, please. Any type of event.
          Also, all of the groups I’ve found, encourage, but don’t require you to use your camera. So it’s ok if your house is messy.)

          I started out by googling ZOOM FOLK DANCE and found some links. Somebody else emailed me a link to a one-time event and their website referenced a calendar that someone else is keeping updated. Like ripples in a pond, each meeting leads to people and links which lead to more and more opportunities. I often ask people what they do on zoom and get more links that way. I’m starting to recognize people who attend different different events. Yesterday at a dance event someone recognized me from a social justice event.

          So far, I’ve found opportunities for all kinds of different folk dance (beginner to advanced), Tai Chi, yoga, book discussions, race relations discussions, support groups, social justice music and sing-a-long, other sing-a-longs, American history events, and others I don’t recall right now. I even went to a sci-fi convention and filk music convention. You name it, somebody probably has a meeting for it.

          You can also search for “live” on FaceBook and YouTube to find other events. Not everything has to be on Zoom.

          I put everything that looks interesting on my calendar. That way when I feel down, I know that something fun will be starting soon, even if I choose not to attend. I actually get overwhelmed and have to take a few days off. Sometimes it’s nice to have live people on in the background so I don’t feel alone in my apartment.

          Here are a few links to get started:
          https://www.cdss.org/community/events-calendar/eventsbyday
          https://fsgw.org/calendar
          https://daleadamson.com/events-calendar/
          https://cope-a-cabana.com/calendars/

        2. Might be Spam*

          I started out by googling ZOOM FOLK DANCE and found some links. Somebody else emailed me a link to a one-time event and their website referenced a calendar that someone else is keeping updated. Like ripples in a pond, each meeting leads to people and links which lead to more and more opportunities. I often ask people what they do on zoom and get more links that way. I’m starting to recognize people who attend different different events. Yesterday at a dance event someone recognized me from a social justice event.

          So far, I’ve found opportunities for all kinds of different folk dance (beginner to advanced), Tai Chi, yoga, book discussions, race relations discussions, support groups, social justice music and sing-a-long, other sing-a-longs, American history events, and others I don’t recall right now. I even went to a sci-fi convention and filk music convention. You name it, somebody probably has a meeting for it.

          You can also search for “live” on FaceBook and YouTube to find other events. Not everything has to be on Zoom.

          I put everything that looks interesting on my calendar. That way when I feel down, I know that something fun will be starting soon, even if I choose not to attend. I actually get overwhelmed and have to take a few days off. Sometimes it’s nice to have live people on in the background so I don’t feel alone in my apartment.

      2. saf*

        “People are starved for connections and running out of conversation.”

        Yes. My friends are getting tired of zoom dinners, because they have nothing new to discuss. This makes me sad, because I NEED the social engagement!

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      *shrug* I dunno, I usually make an effort to do something I like enough to talk about, so I don’t mind.

    6. Ranon*

      My family was typically pretty isolated in the summers growing up, so I’m reliving my childhood on the weekends- lots of laying outside reading with a snack in easy reach, lounging in the inflatable pool, messing around with plants. It’s pretty great!

    7. C Average*

      Personally, I’d dust off my improv skills and make up something patently ridiculous involving a yacht or the world’s largest ball of string or BASE jumping.

      My partner and I just finished making pickles, which was fun. Now we’re replacing a rotted section of siding on the house. We’re working to ingratiate ourselves with a shy but very cute stray cat who recently showed up in our yard. (Yesterday was a big day: petting achievement unlocked!) Tonight I am going to make dolmas from scratch, because we have access to the neighbor’s grape arbor and what else are we gonna do with those great big leaves? And puzzles. So many puzzles.

    8. Tris Prior*

      Snort, my dentist asked me this last week when I was there getting work done. I was like “…..uh, I might get some takeout?” Seriously? Is SHE partying it up on weekends?

      At least she asked before she shot me up with Novocain leaving me unable to talk clearly.

    9. Miki*

      Funny, I’ve been getting frustrated with the question too, but that’s not about the people asking, it’s just about the fact that it’s drawing attention to the fact that I don’t have anything to really look forward to on the weekends right now besides not working.

      Life is just pretty circumscribed by covid right now (and circumstances like friends being very far away). It’s hard to even do small talk, because the day to day life is pretty monotonous right now and so much of what’s going on in the world is big talk material. I think it’s just a symptom of the times.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yeah that’s exactly where I was coming from. Nothing wrong with the people themselves, but it’s like…too normal of a question for now.

      2. Filosofickle*

        One reason I’ve observed friends asking is actually that they know we have nothing to look forward to and are suggesting we create it — what is something I can do that would make me feel good instead of just miserably drifting? As a form of self-care. Personally I find that a little annoying and feel pressured to have something to say. (Which is not so different from Before Times when my hermit self rarely had any interesting plans to report.) On the flip side I also recently had a friend clarify — after we balked at being put on the spot — that she wasn’t trying to pressure us, she was actually looking for ideas for herself!

        I have found myself avoiding calling friends because there isn’t much new or uplifting to talk about.

        1. Miki*

          Same here. There are limits to what self-care can achieve, especially when there are major world events dramatically impacting one’s life that are outside of one’s control. And sometimes the pursuit of happiness isn’t worth the effort.

          I also have a hard time knowing what to talk to friends about these days – I don’t want to suck us into a negativity feedback loop, but it feels frankly delusional not to acknowledge the state of the world right now. I don’t think we come out of the conversations feeling any worse, but also no better.

          If anyone’s reading this, what do you talk to your friends about these days?

          1. Jackalope*

            Honestly, I talk to my dad almost every day right now and we have never been so up on each other’s small daily rituals (like for example he knows when I take my daily work breaks and knows that I call him every day during my morning break and go for a walk with housemates for the afternoon break).

            I have started playing D&D via Zoom with two other friend households and so I’m talking about D&D All. The. Time. It’s new and interesting to me, it’s not related to COVID, and I feel more of a sense of power there rather than despair and hopelessness. You will be unsurprised to learn that my dad has learned more about D&D in the last few months than in the entire rest of his life.

          2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            Other than the sad state of the world, you mean?

            My garden, food, and random interesting-to-me news articles. Things like, “did you see about the ultra-black fish?” With one group, we talk about about what people have been reading, which might be anything from the new Murderbot novel to what translations of Beowulf or Stanislaw Lem are good.

          3. lazy intellectual*

            I will state the obvious: books, TV shows, podcasts, and whatever form of entertainment we’ve been consuming. Also, cooking/baking related stuff.

    10. leukothea@gmail.com*

      I’m doing a lot of work ripping out ivy and other insane foliage from my yard. I cleared 100 square feet, planted some ground cover that I hope will eventually fill in the bare ground, and put up a hammock! It’s pretty sweet to lie out there in my hammock reading a book. :)

      I’ve also joined Habitica to try to “gamify’ my chores. I got points for sweeping the kitchen floor!

  51. Mediumlow*

    Inviting input/comment/advice from others who may have real life experience with this (am I the only one?)

    I was raised in a dysfunctional/abusive home (minimum to maximum). Having had decades of therapy as an adult, on and off, with the aim of modifying undesirable behaviour (normalizing socialization, anger management, etc.), I find I am STILL, as I approach my sixties, dealing with the fallout. Some recurring issues include:

    I am continually shocked and surprised to (re)discover that *most* parents actually *like* and *want* to be with their children.

    Persistent anger towards my mother, my only surviving parent, who is now elderly who wants/demands attention from me. I intellectually understand that now that she is lonely and old, she is wanting connection, after ignoring me and being emotionally absent for my entire childhood.

    At this stage of my life, I am still finding out there are things I should have been taught in childhood (ie most other functioning adults consider norms), like how to properly wash my hands. Thanks to COVID for bringing that one to light!

    I don’t have children, which is probably just as well, as I am sure I would have passed these issues on.

    I guess I get discouraged, after putting in so much emotional and intellectual work over the past 40-odd years, to find there are so many unresolved issues.

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I remember hearing a playgroup mom with a brand new baby girl talk about how close they were going to be and how much fun they were going to have together and it just sounded so foreign. It was eye opening to realize I could have that kind of relationship with my daughter and was not doomed to repeat the pattern of abuse and alienation that had been passed down from generation to generation in my family.

      I can’t name any specifics, but I’ve often felt like I’ve had to figure out so much for myself. Both social norms and life skills. Although, I think Covid has taught us all how to wash our hands better.

    2. Alex*

      I’m quite a bit younger than you are, but can still relate a lot. Both of my parents are mentally ill (in different ways) and the list of things that I lacked in childhood that I didn’t know I lacked grows every year. Things that other people take for granted–like your parents are supposed to make you feel safe and take care of you–didn’t even occur to me when I was a kid.

      For me, my mom does want to see me, but she definitely doesn’t like me. She only wants to see me because she wants to write the story of herself as a fantastic mom adored by her child. She uses her time with me to berate me about what an awful person I am (because I don’t adore her) and tell me I’m a failure in 100 different ways. She has no interest in my happiness or wellbeing if it doesn’t have anything to do with her. This recently hit home in a new way, when a friend’s mom sent me a very thoughtful gift, no strings attached, no gratefulness dance expected. It even came with a note that said she wished me happiness. It made me cry because at that moment I realized my own mother had never ever wished for or cared about such a thing.

      I guess what I’ve learned is that I don’t ever expect these issues to “resolve”. The fact that I was not nurtured and loved as a child the way children need to be will never change. It will always hurt, every day, always, forever. I just need to focus on what I can do today to have love and nurturing and support in my life, both incoming and outgoing. Having the expectation that the pain of a broken relationship with your parents will go away one day will perpetuate disappointment.

      1. Incessant Owlbears*

        Oh, I hear this so much. I grew up in a weird neglectful / zero boundaries families; very dysfunctional. Recently I have discovered a framework called Adult Children of Alcoholics. At first I thought I didn’t qualify to attend because neither of my parents was actually an alcoholic. But it turns out that anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional home is welcome — whether that dysfunction was caused by substance abuse, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or whatever else.

        There are free meetings, on Zoom right now due to quarantine, and free materials to download. I have been attending some meetings and I’m just starting to work my way through their steps. I am hopeful that the framework can give me the tools I need to finally move forward with my life in peace.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      You sound like someone I know.
      Sometimes you realize a mother is never going to change and you grieve for the childhood you didn’t get. You might realize you’re just narcissistic supply to her, no matter how old she gets. You feel bad not keeping in touch but keeping in touch is toxic to you – and you have to put you first. You’re mystified at certain aspects of people who have a good relationship with their parents.
      You didn’t choose this path. It is tough but you’ve made great strides. You’ve done better than the generation before you and that’s huge. I send you my respect and admiration.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      Yup. The pandemic sort of made me realize some of this, although I’m a bit younger than you. Specifically when I heard from coworkers who have kids – not infants or tsuper young kids but older kids, talking about trading off working vs “kid duty” during the day, not just during “remote learning” but even when school would’ve been long out. And it puzzled me. I literally couldn’t think of what that meant, not that you’d leave a 9 year old home alone or anything, but I literally can’t think of doing anything at home as a kid involving my parent. I made my own meals. I did my own laundry. I played/read/hung out in my room. If I were going to play outside I’d tell the parent that, but I was most definitely not actively supervised if I were in the backyard. Unless one needed to ask/tell the other something specific, we were almost never in the same room. It’s been a very odd experience because I’m not trying to be unsympathetic to what working parents are dealing with right now, but I was also genuinely perplexed because they didn’t really explain what they were doing (which is not really my business so of course they didn’t). So I was stuck sitting there wondering what “kid duty” meant because I genuinely don’t know. Plus I had the weird realization that I knew I was physically abused as a kid, but suddenly I’m thinking “wait a minute, was I neglected too?” Like, aw crap I have no idea what normal is.

      1. Mediumlow*

        Yes, that is it exactly! It is so firmly ingrained in me that I am not wanted and a terrible nuisance (that is also expensive and irritating), that it shocks and paralyses me when I suddenly realize that other people *like* their children and want to be with them. Every time!

        And my general go to is “ oh, they are pretending they feel like that, because that is how we are ‘supposed’ to act”. But no! This is actually how a lot of people really feel. It is like I breathe water while everyone else breathes air.

        Thank you for understanding me!

        1. tangerineRose*

          “It is so firmly ingrained in me that I am not wanted and a terrible nuisance (that is also expensive and irritating)” Your parents were abusive.

          1. Mediumlow*

            Yes, and they thought I was a worse monster when I started to react to being treated like that.

      2. Mediumlow*

        Oh, and, what is this about not leaving 9 year olds alone? Is that Not A Good Thing? Another surprise.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Well, for me at least, when I say “play outside” I might mean our backyard, or I might mean walking to a friend’s house within a 2 mile radius, getting some other kid to come out with me and then who knows where we wandered off to for five hours. But, in my case, I wasn’t left alone overnight in the house without a babysitter until 11. Still have no idea if these ages are totally reasonable in those contexts or way too young or could go either way depending on the maturity of the kid. No frickin’ clue.

          1. Cat*

            Well 11 seems shockingly young to be left overnight alone to me if that helps conceptualize things. 16 would be a normal age where I am. I think in general playing outside alone is fine but it sounds like you were trained not to expect any parental attention which is different.

          2. Parenthetically*

            Well, for what it’s worth, leaving an 11-year-old alone in the house overnight is illegal in many places.

            My folks went out of town for their 20th for a couple nights when I was 16 and my brother 14 and we stayed with friends — they would not even have considered leaving us alone.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              My understanding is the limit in that location was 10 at the time. It’s 12 there now.

              1. Parenthetically*

                For overnight? I’ve not heard of that — in my city a child has to be 10 to be left alone AT ALL. And apparently Child/Family Services in most states have guidelines for investigating families who regularly leave a child alone unattended, and age 10 is right on the cusp between “1-2 hours maximum, during daylight hours” and “3 hours maximum, during the day or evening only” for the states I just randomly selected. Consensus from that search is that a 16 or 17 year old might be left alone overnight for one or two nights.

      3. Alex*

        A really strange thing occurred to me once I was already grown–it wasn’t normal for parents to berate their kids for needing to go to the bathroom. I always hated going anywhere for more than like an hour with my mom, because if I happened to need to go to the bathroom, she got extremely angry, as though needing to pee was something I did specifically to aggravate her. Even hours long road trips would be torture because she would get so mad if I told her I needed to go when she didn’t feel like stopping. All my childhood memories of road trips involve me squirming in the back seat trying to put off telling my mom I needed to pee until the last minute, because I knew she would scream at me.

        When I got old enough that I was out and about in public on my own, I relished the fact that I could just use the bathroom if I needed to, without anyone getting angry, because I was a grown up and she wasn’t around to stop me!

        It wasn’t until many years later I observed that most parents don’t berate their children for having basic biological needs, and it wasn’t until then that it occurred to me that wanting to go to the bathroom didn’t make me a bad kid.

        It seems so basic now but it was a REVELATION the first time I thought it.

        1. Mediumlow*

          Yes! Exactly like that, except for me it was simply *existing*. I remember being suicidal at about age eight, holding aspirins in my hand and not knowing if they would do the job or just get me in more trouble.

      4. Gatomon*

        Oof, I relate to this. I was basically left to my own devices to grow up too. The only time we were in the same room all together were dinner, and just afterward. My parents felt eating dinner together was important, but anytime before and afterwards they’d be together in their bedroom doing their own thing. The thing that’s really weird to me is that we have no family photos of all 3 of us, except for one right after I was born. I was never physically abused, but I recently stumbled across “childhood emotional neglect,” and it really resonated with me.

        1. Mediumlow*

          Same here. My default assumption is that parents actively avoid their children at all costs and at all times. It is so weird to me, still, to see parents who prefer to be with their children and actually play with them. I have absolutely no memories whatsoever of either parents voluntarily spending any time with me whatsoever. Although to be fair, I also have no memories of them ever saying a civil word to each other, either.

          1. Gatomon*

            Whatever kind words my parents said to each other were never said in my presence, that’s for sure! At best they’d just complain at each other about various things.

      5. Frankie Bergstein*

        I could have written this. Thanks for articulating it so well and letting me know I’m not alone.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I have been most fortunate in terms of the limits of what happened to me, as others have had far worse.
      But I am 60 this year and I still “feel” it.
      There is a doc in California on YouTube (TED? I think) talking about how child abuse correlates with COPD later in life. She is advocating for counseling as well as COPD treatment for patients.
      I hope we see more of this, as I firmly believe strong emotions can cause internal physical damage.

      I read some mother-daughter books looking and looking for I am not sure what. I did find some common threads. One thing that was said was it’s not our fault they didn’t teach us. But we need to sit down and teach ourselves. We can be good parents to our own selves. I thought that was an empowering way of thinking about things. (“Com’ on, Little Me, Big Me will take care of you!”)

      I was probably about 49 y/o. I was with a group of women friends and a couple were talking about taking their moms out to lunch. I caught myself. I almost said, “Why on God’s green earth would you EVER do that?” Good thing, I stopped before I started. Talk about letting a bunch of myself go all at once.
      I went home and cried. Like you are saying, I had hoped the gaps would fill in by then. I had hoped that everything would settle out.
      I settled on the fact that gaps will always appear at bad times.
      To counter balance some of this I had to remind myself how much teaching is reasonable? There are some things that absolutely should be conveyed. But it would be impossible to convey every. single. thing. And I do see that in people around me, people who had so called normal lives (if that is possible). Everyone does indeed have gaps. (Hey, it keeps Alison employed! If you think about it, many people have work writing and advising others, i.e. filling in their gaps.)

      Fortunately, I have gone through periods of time where older women took an interest in me. I have to remember those times. Such as the time I was 12 and I cut my head open. I was a mess. It was the two retired nurses next door who helped me. I can choose to be like those two retired nurses. Instead of wondering why I am helping someone with something, I can just go ahead and help them. (Later, I figure out they probably knew they had to help me, no one else was helping.)

      I do marvel at this process where older people just take an interest for no apparent reason. My older neighbor (male) took an interest in my guardian angel friend (also male). I watched my friend light up when my older neighbor walked over to chat with him at random times. I can kind of see that this will be my role, if I live a long life.

      I didn’t have kids, either. But it just makes sense that not everyone will have kids anyway for many reasons. I have met so many childless people. But I think we serve a different, yet important function as child-free adults. It’s subtle but it’s there.

      As far as my mother, I was 23 when she died. I had to redefine the word “success”. In that story success was when I prevented further problems form occurring. Damage control was all that was left to do. I’d prevent three problems from getting huge but EIGHT more problems would pop up in that process. There was no winning and no feeling of accomplishment at all. It sounds like if you can keep her safe by whatever means then you have done the best you can do there. I commend the fact that you are even trying at this point. It’s hard when there is not much to work with, as you are saying here. Honestly, just my opinion, I find that very little in life is as hard as what you are going through with her.
      Do the things for yourself that you would want an attentive mother to help you with, take care of you. It’s worth putting energy into our own selves.

      1. Mediumlow*

        I had not heard about the COPD link, that is very interesting, thank you.

        Your experiences resonate with me, it seems to be an ongoing process, as much as I would like to put it to rest and simply relax without these troubling memories and still having emotionally damaging reactions.

    6. Perstephanie*

      Oh my. Mediumlow, you could be me. Reading what is almost my own story told by an internet stranger…. I feel you so hard. Wish I had a better response but I’m sort of vibrating with the thought there’s someone out there whose life looks like mine.

      Thank you for your words and for being vulnerable. You’re so not-alone. *flails good thoughts your way*

    7. Perstephanie*

      More. One of the reasons I read AAM is sort of sociological: I feel like such an alien in the world, I come here to find out how people live. I watch reality TV for the same reason: What do people say? What do they do? “Conversation”: What is this thing? “Feelings”: How do I have them? How do I people?

      I’m sixty, lifetime of therapy, and like you my childhood (abuse, neglect) is still the central experience of my life. A thing that has helped me: reading about complex-PTSD (aka relational trauma) has filled me with the same sort of “OMG you mean I’m not alone?” feeling your letter did.

      I have built myself, at this point, a life that looks very weird to other people (huge gulps of solitude, for one thing) but it’s a life I *love.* And still my past is what shapes me.

      *moar hugs*

      1. Mediumlow*

        You are not alone in being alone! My life is similar. I need a lot of time away from people. A normal day at work is an assault course, all those people who want to ……..Chat (!) ……… with me. So draining. Why do they want to tell me these things? And what do I say back, cause clearly I can’t say “gosh, I really have no opinion on whether your hair color should be a shade lighter or a shade darker. Do you mind moving it along because I would rather read this recently published legislation on pension benefits than struggle through any more of this conversation”.

        So here I am having another “AHA” moment! I have long known that my severe introspection is somewhat of an outlier, and just now, hearing from you that your life incorporates solitude, as does mine, makes me think that some of mine is linked to being unsocialized as a child and not having been normalized to a certain amount of external stimulation. Maybe I can stop blaming myself for not ‘making more of an effort’. I have long known that this alone time is what keeps me balanced, but knowing (or suspecting) the origin is somehow liberating.

        Reading your post also moves me to share these two experiences with you, for no other reason than that this is an area of my life that is roiling about currently, and you seem to understand!

        1. Before she gave up on giving me ‘gifts’ (birthday, xmas) in my teens, my mother made a practice of giving me suitcases as gifts. She invariably would comment, ‘so now you can run away’. This is to me as a preteen. Even at the time I found that to be viciously mean spirited.

        2. A couple of years ago in a phone conversation (before I cut those off), my mom was telling me about someone who wanted furniture moved, called their sons and sons moved furniture, no issues. Her comment was that these people were so lucky to have boys as girls were “useless”. I am female. As is my only sibling. This is after I have driven six hours one way to visit her, changed washers in leaky taps, replaced light fixtures (not just light bulbs). I said I was sorry she thought her children were useless, as I had been trying to be helpful. Her response? Oh, she didn’t mean it *that* way. All better then. Clearly.

        Thanks for the hugs and solidarity. It is such a relief to encounter someone who gets it. Regular people don’t understand it, clearly can’t *quite* believe the parental antics I describe, nor understand my desperate need to be ALONE so much.

        1. Perstephanie*

          Alone is safe. Alone is the only place I don’t have to be ashamed. Alone I don’t have to be hypervigilant. Alone I don’t have to figure out what I’m doing wrong this time.

          Alone I just, like, *do stuff.* It doesn’t have to be analyzed for evidence of my failure as a person.

          I hear you so HARD about “what do I say back,” and “maybe I should make more of an effort,” and “just ask the person questions! Then the conversation flows from there.” One thing I learned reading about complex-PTSD that when I’m under stress (in my case, any time a person enters the room), a part of my brain called the Broca’s area shuts down. It’s the part responsible for translating raw emotion and experience into words.

          So anytime I “make an effort”….in fact my brain freezes like a deer in headlights. It feels like walls slamming shut in my mind. There are words on the inside, trapped, and they won’t come out.

          Alone, though, I have full access to my brain. The world is like a minefield and anywhere I step could blow up in my face. Alone…I’m kinda dorky and funny and laugh a lot and have Opinions, dammit! There’s like this whole entire person there that no one ever sees.

          I am *so glad* you cut off the phone calls! I was able to cut mine down from daily to weekly, but it’s still like a regular weekly scheduled panic attack. I’m a little in awe of you. Your mother sounds like — Yikes. Whoa. I hear you. I am so so sorry.

          The thing is, it sounds like you came out a better person than your parents were. More thoughtful, more self-aware, more substantial. You raised yourself and you did it well. It’s certainly what I hope for myself.

          I wonder if the internet has allowed folks like us to find each other for the first time ever.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            For all/anyone, please check out books under the subject of motherless-daughters. They are not talking about orphaned children. They are talking about daughters whose mothers epically failed them. There are personal stories and the reader gets to see what people tried to do and what they had some success with. It also shows the wide range of how people respond to these problems.

            I had to read several but I could feel parts of me changing as I just kept reading. Initially, it was, “I found people similar to me….”

            1. Mediumlow*

              I will look for those! Do you have any specific title recommendations?

              I read a book many years ago about toxic parents which validated my feelings, but it seems it is time for a booster shot!

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Sorry, I don’t remember what I read. At that time, this was such a radical idea for me that even selecting a book off the shelf was totally daunting. My best advice is to read the cover and inside flap. It should sound like the author knows your setting, the writing should resonate that well. That would be your book. I was looking for an author who found patterns and was able to find conclusions- such as the solution of saying “com’on Little Me, Big me will take care of you”.
                Yeah, there are plenty of known patterns in toxic mother-daughter relationships.

                I’d also recommend looking at grief books. Grief isn’t just for funerals. We grieve lots of things. Learn the symptoms and manifestations of grief (hey, can’t hold on to a thought for more than 3 minutes? Grief will do that.), learn all the life events that can trigger grief, and learn the various stages of grief (yes anger can be a stage of grief).

                You have plenty to grieve here. Learn about the importance of crying. Crying causes a physical reaction in our brains that helps to keep our brains healthy. I usually feel better the next day after I let some tears flow.

                Again, you are looking for an author who seems to be talking to YOU. That would be your book.

                Be patient with you. It takes time to incubate what is in the books. Let yourself just kick the ideas around. Keep the good ideas, ditch the ones that don’t work for you.

          2. Mediumlow*

            Daily phone calls? I am in awe that you were able to manage that! I would be doing something drastic if that was expected, yikes. I have been much easier in myself since I cut off the phone calls/skype. Like you, it was something I dreaded all week, even though, for the most part, my mom now knows she can’t abuse me verbally any longer.

            Interesting that you mention the ‘freeze’ thing. This is something I struggle with at work. I do a lot of detailed client specific background work in an area that must be rigorously documented and requires a certain degree of transparency from the client (ie providing all the relevant documents, information) and work closely with a credentialed team member. I spend a lot of time gathering information and cross checking that we have requested everything, confirming what we have and haven’t received, and following up on missing pieces. For multiple clients.

            I often experience the freeze reaction with the credentialed team member, particularly if I am asked casual questions (ie. an off the cuff “oh btw, did ClientA email that doc yet”) regarding one of these intricate projects, when I have not specifically reviewed the status of the project in anticipation of giving an update. I freeze and experience that feeling of made-a-mistake-shame because I don’t know the answer and there will be dreadful consequences. Even though, of course there won’t be, because I work with reasonable people who do not yell, slam doors, throw things, give me the silent treatment or beat me if I have to say, “oh, I don’t recall off the top of my head, and I have been buried in ClientB project all day. Would it be ok if I have a look at the file and get back to you?” But everytime I get that feeling like, — oh boy this is my fault and it is very very bad, and I am going to be made to suffer for it.

            I have that reaction in MY OWN HOME, if anything goes wrong; the dishwasher needs repair, or my car is making a funny noise. I have to talk myself off the ledge each time. Things break and wear out. It can be fixed, i have the money to fix it, no one will be berating or beating me because of this.

            I read somewhere, fairly recently, that childhood abuse can be associated with permanent brain chemistry changes that make the person more easily startled and I definitely have a very sensitive startle reflex. My personal feeling is that the internal brain “freeze” (and i think your description of “walls slamming shut in my mind” is spot on!) is either related to the startle sensitivity, or a separate reaction associated with the same root cause.

            It has been cathartic to have this discussion, thank you to all the respondents, it is good to know I am not alone (not that I would wish this on anyone, and I am sorry that any of us was treated this way, no one deserves it and it is unfair) in trying to grow myself up and heal.

            Good luck to us all!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              My wise friend said I was on the fight or flee side of my brain. My response to many things was to say “do I fight or do I flee?”. He did say that many, many people live on this side of their brain.

              That was a super empathy building remark for me to hear. I can be way more sympathetic toward people’s struggles because of my own version. I was so sad to learn that many people have this issue.
              And I learned to think in terms of house fire. You might try to fight the fire for a moment, then you decide to flee. It’s those huge events in life where fight or flee discussions are actually necessary and appropriate. Baby/bathwater- some decisions are under the heading of self-preservation and we do have to decide to fight or to flee. So we don’t want to lose this entirely, we just want a balance of knowing when we have to go into fight or flee mode and when we don’t have to go into fight or flee mode.

              I totally get the dishwasher example. Mine is my car. I kept waiting for the mechanic to yell at me.
              Hey, you know what? If a mechanic yells at me, I can go get a new mechanic! And that’s a fact. This is called taking back our power.
              And yeah, I make mistakes and I cost myself money. So the best that can happen is that I learn how NOT to make that same mistake. Very proud of me, last year I broke the belt on my tractor 3 times. I got advice, sorted out what to do differently and this year so far (knock wood) I have not broken the belt once. Tractor operation was not in me at birth. Inch by inch. The first time I ever broke a belt involved crying and shaking. After a few times I got ticked. Then I decided to look for patterns that might be causing the problem to repeat and repeat.

              And this is it. It’s all inch by inch. Hang in there. With each year we have more and more autonomy.

  52. lazy intellectual*

    What habits have you developed in response to COVID that you don’t even think about anymore (besides wearing a mask)? Mine is after coming home from a walk, taking off my shoes *outside* my apartment and immediately taking off my clothes and putting them in the wash, and then hopping into the shower. I don’t do ANYTHING until after I shower. Before getting into the shower, I disinfect my keys, glasses, phone, doorknobs, and faucet handles. I also disinfect anything I get in delivery or mail. It has gotten to the point where I forget that I’m doing it because of the DEADLY PANDEMIC going on, and I will probably continue doing so even after COVID is over.

    1. Girasol*

      Here and I thought I was the only one spraying glasses and car keys! Also shoe soles before I get into the car. For us, shopping has gone to monthly instead of weekly. I’m actually getting used to that and will probably shop less often when this is over. There’s a whole drill on grocery day, quarantining this and bleaching that, stripping mask, clothes, and grocery bags into the washer and streaking for the shower. I have developed an internal six-foot sensor and I’m constantly backing away from people – especially maskless people – who don’t keep distancing in mind, and I don’t even think about it until they give me that “idiot liberal!” look. But as you said, DEADLY PANDEMIC, and it’s not just deadly. I read that for every one person who dies, nineteen survivors have heart, lung, kidney, neural, or other damage that may be permanent. Some of the tales of that sound so awful that the extra sanitation steps and putting up with dirty looks seem pretty easy to get used to.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Mostly just washing my hands well every time I come home.

      I’ll be honest, unless you work at a hospital or in a similar high risk environment, stripping and showering every time you come home seems excessive. Ditto all the disinfecting. Surfaces have not shown to be a significant source of transmission.

      1. Barb*

        Agreed, I personally worry about creating OCD-like rituals due to having had OCD behaviors in the past. I stick to habits recommended by scientists, like masks and
        proper hand washing. I’m not used to masks and probably will never be, but I’ll keep using them nonetheless to do my part.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Yes.

        In the early days, I was hyperaware of things like keys, doorhandles in my car & home, etc.

        But now that we know more, I just do my 20 second wash and make sure I have my mask.

        Learning not to touch my face was very challenging, though, because I wear glasses & often have itchy eyes & nose from allergies. I developed a new habit of pushing my glasses up with my wrist.

        Wearing the mask does seem to help filter out some allergens, which is nice!

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Same here. Just wash my hands, and keep a mini hand sanitizer and some masks in the car. That’s pretty much it. And I still forget to bring my mask sometimes, even though I’m in a state with a mandate (I really wish more states would mandate this, but it is what it is).

      4. Anon for this*

        I agree; it’s pretty well-established now that surfaces are not our greatest threat for getting sick, it’s respiratory droplets. Disinfecting everything isn’t the healthiest choice (mentally speaking).

      5. Parenthetically*

        Yep, this. Going for a walk leading to fully undressing and showering and washing all clothes? Nope, not when outdoor transmission was rare even in the days before masks.

        I wash my hands (and ensure Little Brackets #1 washes his hands) thoroughly every time we come home, and sanitize door handles in common areas of our building. That’s something we’ll definitely keep up. Masks during flu season seems sensible.

      6. allathian*

        Agreed. Washing hands is my thing, it’s so automatic that I find myself washing my hands when I get home even though I desperately need to pee right afterwards. I’m not changing clothes, wiping down stuff, keeping mail or groceries in quarantine, etc.

    3. Auntie Social*

      I take extra masks with me and size L latex gloves when I go out. I offer them nicely to people with no masks, I see people who are using their clothes or paper towels to push their carts so I offer gloves. So far people are appreciative and don’t treat me like “oh poor sad Lib!”. One woman with kids screamed at me because I didn’t have enough masks and gloves for her whole family. . . sigh.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        One amazing tip I saw somewhere else was to save the paper towel cardboard cores. Make a cut down one side and then use it around the grocery cart handle, then toss at the end of the trip. You could do that too with two toilet roll holders. I don’t shop enough in a trip to use a cart (prefer to use my own vinyl sided bag so I don’t have to touch a basket) but I thought that was pretty darn smart.

    4. Frapperia*

      I am sure I will develop more stuff once I eventually have to commute back to work on the train and may well start doing , but for now, I take my shoes off outside, I wash my hands properly after I’ve been ‘out out’ and after I’ve done things like put out the bins etc (I live in a block of flats with communal entryways etc and a neighbour who has All The People around in non-social distancing so have to be careful). If I touch things while out, I use hand sanitiser (which I’d started doing anyway because I got noro AGAIN in January and gave it to my mother and it was just awful).

      I wipe down any shopping I’m likely to use soon or want to put straight into my cupboards, and I wash fruit and veg ASAP for the same reason. I don’t do that 100% religiously but maybe 95% of the time. I don’t change out of my clothes at the moment, but I’m not going into communal spaces bar going into shops, I’m mainly outside or at my parents’ house. I initially was quarantining post etc but don’t do that any more and have seen no ill-effects!

      I keep 2m distance where possible, sometimes 1m when on distanced walks as it’s not always possible. I stay away from other people where possible (god knows if I’ll ever date again!) and try to cycle or walk (I only get the bus to go to the vets at the moment, we’ll have to wait and see what happens with work in the longer run).

      I’m very cautious generally but I also have a healthy sense of not going too far with things – it’s been going on since March and these habits have not given me COVID just yet.

  53. Roja*

    I finally had to do my first unfriend and block on facebook today. It was a acquaintance-ship (pity that’s not a word) I wanted to keep but they kept sending me conspiracy theory covid articles (and long, highly insulting religious rants) and wouldn’t listen to requests to stop. I finally sent a firmly worded message last night and woke up to another article on how wearing a mask covers the image of God in humanity and infringes on civil liberties… sigh. Unfriend. Block.

    I know it was necessary, but I really hate it and I’m sad it had to end this way. I keep second-guessing myself. Maybe I could have done more or responded differently, even though I know that would almost certainly not have changed the outcome. For those of you who have also made decisions like this, when did you know it was time? How do you handle the emotions afterward?

      1. StellaBella*

        Same. It is ok to not want to be friends with people who are rude and into conspiracy theories. etc etc.

      2. Roja*

        I’m sure I’ll feel lighter as I go along, and certainly as I get used to less drama in my life. ;)

    2. Not A Manager*

      So, when you tell someone “please don’t send me conspiracy theories and religious rants” and the VERY NEXT MORNING they send you a conspiracy theory religious rant, that person is not your friend. There is nothing you could have done differently. It’s not like you weren’t clear or they didn’t hear you properly. They chose to do the exact thing you asked them not to do. Blocking them isn’t something you did TO them, it’s something you did to protect yourself.

      1. Roja*

        Thank you. I know that in my heart of hearts, and it’s really a relationships that’s better lost. Still, I’m sobered by it.

    3. Johanna*

      There’s not anything you could do. Arguing just makes them more defensive. You can provide them with mountains of facts and they won’t believe it. Unfortunately with me it’s my parents. Last time it was how the “media” was responsible for so many deaths because it was somehow keeping doctors for using hydroxycholorquine and saving people’s lives. I just have to end the conversation and it is upsetting. It’s hard to let go of and I think I just have to live with it at the back of my head all the time.

    4. LGC*

      Usually it’s a build-up. I’m fortunate that the people I know – although they vary in beliefs – don’t directly engage me through Messenger. I’ve only pulled this maneuver a couple of times, most recently last month when an old friend posted complaining about the inconvenience the Floyd protests were causing. (I wrote an extremely strongly worded comment and immediately unfriended him. I’d already unfollowed him because his Facebook behavior is annoying in general, so it was building for a LONG time.)

      Usually, I’ve just unfollowed. Most recently, one of my former coworkers (and a former direct report, I think) has been posting things I strongly disagree with about COVID and the BLM movement. (More about BLM, really.) I had to unfollow for my own sake because I caught myself nearly giving her a piece of my mind until I realized that she still works at a different job site for my company. In a position where – while I’m not currently her supervisor – I could easily end up as her supervisor.

      (We friended each other well before I got promoted and we were kind of work friends a few years back. Alison is probably melting the servers telling me to defriend this woman post-haste, and while I see her point, I’ve mostly made it work.)

      Anyway…you’re allowed to grieve the end of your friendship over this! Even though this was mostly her own actions that caused this. Like, she’s 1) extremely reckless and 2) unwilling to respect your boundaries, but I don’t think that means she has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and knowing her wasn’t enjoyable until she showed this side of her.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I snooze, mute or unfollow people who are just posting annoying things on their own page.

      I only block them if they are intrusive or obnoxious on my page or in DMs.

      I’ve had to block a couple of people who I actually like IRL, because they found my opinions (like, vaccinate your kids!) so upsetting that they did stuff like demand I take the post down.

      It’s a shame. I figure, if seeing my opinion is going to set them off to the point they forget themselves and act that way, then I’m doing them a favor by shielding them from it.

      If it’s someone I never had much connection with anyway, or they are the ones provoking me, I figure that a social media block doesn’t actually harm anyone or deprive them of anything but the opportunity to behave badly.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I had a very close friend from college that I finally had to cut out of my life. She could be very charming and had an interesting sense of curiosity about things, but was also a bit of a pot head. She grew up in a small rural farm town and her parents belonged to a fundamentalist religion and she had some weird ideas wrapped up in a veneer of new age religion. I would repeatedly get annoyed with her and try to set her straight when she would ignorantly make comments that were racist or homophobic and I remember arguing with about some truly bizarre ideas that she had about Roman Catholicism. (As a recovering ex-Catholic, I’m not big on it, or organized religion in general.)

      The last straw was when she asked for my help with setting up a website where she was going to disprove the theory of evolution. I just felt like that was too stupid and I just couldn’t deal with her any more. I just couldn’t. I never responded back to her. It’s been several years now and I’ve moved to a different state. I sort of miss her and hope she’s doing O.K. But I’m glad I don’t have to deal with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution.

    7. Bluesboy*

      I get that you are second guessing yourself, because you’re human. But honestly, I think you did everything you could.

      For me, I like having Facebook friends who have different opinions/ideas from me, I find it stimulating, even if I think the ideas themselves are nuts. But they have to be respectful, of me, and of other human beings.

      You like a different political party, you think differently than me on vaccines etc, we’re good. But you have to be respectful.

      In your case, you say they wouldn’t listen to requests to stop. Then a firmly worded message. And it still doesn’t stop? Time to press the button.

  54. nep*

    Oh my goodness, eBay! I bought one thing on eBay a month or two ago. Emails upon emails upon emails ever since. (With no option within to unsubscribe.) Requested stop to promotional emails to no avail. Just closed the account. I sure hope that will work. What a horrible business practice.

    2. KiwiApple*

      Are you asking me nep (to suggest help to you) or telling me (which doesn’t follow the rules)?

    3. Roja*

      Ugh, I hate emails like that. There might not be an option to unsubscribe as such but I’ve found sometimes in the account preferences there’s a place for “email preferences” where you can click what emails you want to receive (aka, uncheck all the boxes since you don’t want any). Hopefully closing the account will do the trick this time, but if you ever run into the problem again…

  55. Skirt Help!*

    Skirt/clothing help!

    https://imgur.com/gallery/G5vZF3u

    I love the skirt pictured in the link. I basically live in it in the summer.

    Can anyone help me find equivalents or know where else on the internet I could get help with this? Is there a Reddit where fashion/clothes shopping people oriented people help people who aren’t super into clothes?

    Key features
    – wise elastic waist band
    – cotton/very comfy and breathable fabric
    – “A” shape that gets wider as you go down
    – I really like the varied length. I don’t know the term for it. It hits at about my knees in front and lower calf in back.

    It’s a Charlotte Russe skirt that I picked up somewhere years ago and I just love it. I’ve looked thru Charlotte Russ skirts on poshmark before to try to fine something similar, but had no luck.

    1. nep*

      Might be worth trying thredUP as well. They have sooooo many listings–you might hit on something you like. You can filter for item, size…

    2. Washi*

      I think the key words that you want are elastic waist, a-line, and high-low (hem being longer in back than in front.)

      If you really really love this specific skirt, you could also consider taking it to a tailor and having them make you more, and then you would have a lot of control over the fabric.

      1. Skirt Help!*

        Thank you for the search terms. I’m glad to learn the term high-low for skirts. :-)

        1. valentine*

          In addition to hi(gh)-lo(w), try prairie or handkerchief (you can raise the front to your desired length).

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Agree with Washi about the search terms!

      Not what you’re looking for but I’ve fallen in love with wrap skirts this summer!

    4. C Average*

      Find a seamstress or seamster in your area and see if they will help you create a knockoff. If you’re not sure where to find such a person, try local fabric stores or design schools; they’ll probably be able to refer you to someone. Sometimes dry cleaners who offer alterations are also willing to do this kind of work. Some will be able to work from pictures alone, and some will prefer to get their hands on the actual garment.

      (I’ve done this type of work for people, and it can be really fun. It can take some patience and some trial and error to get the fit right; I usually make a muslin first, a prototype made from cheap fabric, and then develop a pattern from that. The great part is that once the pattern has been perfected, it’s relatively easy to crank out several copies of the same garment. Make sure you agree on a fair price for the project first. Some people charge by the hour, others by the project. If you work with someone who charges by the hour, get the best estimate you can of how long it will take.)

      1. Skirt Help!*

        C Average – thank you for the idea! This hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s not a complicated pattern. If I can’t find something on posh mark or thread up I might go ahead and do this. I appreciate the suggestion !

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a suggestion for you, and hear me out: look up LuLaRoe’s Azure skirt on Poshmark. It’s not quite as high-low as yours, from your description, but it has a small high-low, A-line, it has a super comfy fold over elastic yoga-style waistband, came in a couple of fabrics both slinky and cotton-y (I actually prefer the slinky, it’s lighter weight and doesn’t wrinkle), and there’s a lot of cheap options on Posh from the people who realized too late that selling LLR was a bad idea and now just want to get SOMETHING for their inventory and be done with it. I pretty much live in the LLR maxi during the summer, which is the full length version of the Azure, and they hold up really well for me, at least.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (Note: I would not suggest buying from anyone who is still actively involved with LLR or selling it at full price. )

      2. Skirt Help!*

        Thank you so much for the rec and advice about LLR! I appreciate it, will go look up the azure :-)

  56. Cousin Problems*

    How do you tell a family member that basically what she wants for her kid will never come true? I would just keep silent, but this family member asks me over and over again.

    The long version: One of my cousins has five kids and a very low income (her husband doesn’t work because he says “I’m waiting for God to call me” and my cousin hasn’t worked in a while). Her oldest daughter has fairly severe psychological problems, including being expelled from school multiple times for things like breaking other kids’ arms. But my cousin is convinced that her daughter doesn’t need treatment, she just needs the world to recognize her artistic genius. The daughter has drawn one picture, a self-portrait, over and over and over again for years, just varying the background and what colors she uses on it. My cousin keeps insisting that her artwork is so advanced for the age she is now- early 20’s- that she just needs one gallery showing and she would be set up for life with people paying her to draw the same self-portrait.

    My cousin keeps asking me to contact gallery owners, people who are interested in art, my friends who work in theater or publishing, everyone in the world, to arrange a gallery showing. I keep telling her I can’t do it, and now she’s defaulted to accusing me of not caring about her daughter’s mental health.

    Is there something that can make her stop asking or accept that her daughter is not going to be account an artistic genius? If it’s silence, is there anything I can say to other people who might start thinking I’m indifferent to my family members’ mental health?

    1. sswj*

      That’s so sad.

      What would happen if you could prevail upon someone to give an honest assessment? I’m sure you’ve laid out just how hard it is to get a gallery showing and it’s gone in one ear and out the other.

      If it weren’t 20covid20, I’d suggest maybe trying a county fair showing to start. Ours has a huge art section, and there are even sections where people have their own mini gallery. And from time to time there are art fairs in local cities and towns (but again … Covid, sigh …)

      Sorry, this sounds like a sucky situation. Someone needs to talk some sense into them but it sounds like that can’t be you. Is there anyone in the family, or near to the family, whose opinion they respect?

    2. Alex*

      It sounds like your cousin has some serious mental health issues as well. I’m not sure there’s something you can do to fix it–you can’t just tell mentally ill people to stop acting mentally ill.

      That’s really sad, but I’m not sure there is anything you can do.

    3. Choggy*

      Wow, way to play the manipulation card Mom. You might be better off distancing yourself from her, I don’t think you need to say anything to anyone because you think they will think you are indifferent to a family member’s mental health. That is not what is happening here at all. Your cousin is putting you in an awful position by putting pressure on you to do something you don’t want to do. You can care about someone without putting them on the same pedestal as their parent. Mom sounds a little unbalanced herself here, so need to take what she says with a huge grain of salt.

    4. Touched by kindness*

      Are you in the art business? Do you know any gallery owners? It doesn’t sound that way. Can you say once clearly, that you don’t know anyone who could help and you won’t discuss it again? I think at this point, you have to just stop engaging when she brings it up, and for sure she’s going to be unhappy, but you can leave/hang up. I think I would not have the conversation over the merits or not about the artwork itself, but focus on the fact that you don’t have contacts. If she brings it up, you can say yes, it’s nice or something bland and neutral. You can’t convince her of what she has already decided.

    5. C Average*

      One of my side hustles is writing artist profiles for an arts magazine, so I spend a lot of time talking to artists. One thing I’ve learned is that being good at art is just one component of being a successful artists. Successful artists also have to network and promote themselves, just like anyone else.

      Fortunately, the internet has made it way easier for artists to have a venue for displaying their work, and from there it’s possible to make people aware of it and possible even attract the interest of a gallery. Honestly, most artists have a decent website, even if it’s one they built themself on a platform like Squarespace, well before they have gallery representation. They should build a site to display the artist’s work and get business cards printed up with the URL. Then if they happen to come across someone from the art world, they can hand them a card.

      (It doesn’t sound like this dream is realistic or that the daughter is Deeply And Importantly Talented, so they should definitely have plans B – Z.)

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        I agree. To have any degree of success in the art world you don’t just need talent, you need passion and drive. If the daughter isn’t pounding the pavement to promote her art, and it isn’t your job to promote artists, then you’re not going to be able to help her. And no amount of talking is going to convince your cousin that you can’t create an art career and that you care for your family if you don’t. Your best bet for your cousin is just to say “sorry I can’t do that” and change the subject every time she asks. Repeat if she pushes and disconnect if she gets angry. For your family, you can say that you love cousin’s daughter and wish her well but you can’t create an art career for her and then change the subject.

      2. fposte*

        Yeah, I’m not even hearing that the daughter is all that focused on this, just her mom.

        And even if CP could hook Daughter up with a gallery and she did sell paintings, that’s really not going to cure her. Will that then be CP’s fault too?

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Consider limiting or blocking communication with your cousin. She’s not taking no for an answer. Are there other topics you discuss with her or are you having this same conversation over and over again?
      A career in art is not a substitute for mental health treatment. There’s no connection there. Your cousin is thinking her daughter’s art is a winning lottery ticket. This is “magical thinking”.
      You can’t change your cousin’s behavior or beliefs. It’s far simpler to refuse further conversations on this topic.
      Hopeful thoughts.

    7. HannahS*

      I suspect that the answer is going to be silence, but you can try to say, one last time, “I love Jennifer’s self-portraits, but I don’t have the type of connections to make a career happen for her.” Honestly, I think that’s more for you than for her–it doesn’t sound like your cousin is very realistic, and will probably not accept this as an answer. I think in terms of things to say to others, I think you can say something like, “I think that Jennifer makes beautiful self-portraits. Unfortunately, I don’t really have the types of connections that would help her into the professional art world.” And repeat, rephrasing ad nauseum.
      “Yes, I have some friends in the arts, but I don’t have links to anyone who could be helpful to Jennifer.”

    8. Batgirl*

      I see parents like this occasionally as a teacher and it makes me so mad. Some parents think it’s their job to cheerlead everything their kid does positive and negative but it’s neglectful to communicate expectations this low. Kids know it means they can’t be bothered to teach and they don’t believe them capable of growth. To withold medical treatment is disgraceful. I’d steer clear.

    9. RagingADHD*

      The daughter is not the only one in that household with unaddressed mental health needs.

      She’s just the “designated patient” because she acted out in ways that attracted official attention.

      Why do you need to explain yourself to anyone? In the unlikely event that some other family member takes your cousin’s complaints seriously (for real, why is this your “job”?), you can say that your cousin’s mental health is outside your ability to help with.

    10. Not A Manager*

      “How do you tell a family member that basically what she wants for her kid will never come true?”

      In this case, I don’t think that would be fruitful. I think the best you can do is pick one phrase and stick to it. “I’m sorry, I can’t help you arrange a showing/meet an artist/etc.” – “Why?” – “Because my contacts don’t extend that far.” – “You don’t care about my daughter’s mental health.” – “I do care about her health, but I can’t arrange a showing.”

      After that you’ll need to take whatever steps feel best to you to end the conversation. If this is someone you otherwise like and want to maintain a relationship with, you can redirect, ask a different question, etc. If this is someone you’d just as soon not talk to but you don’t want to cut them out entirely, then that’s plenty of conversation and you can excuse yourself.

      Also remember that you don’t have to respond to every text, email and phone call, even if you don’t want to cut this person out of your life entirely. Once a week or once a month is plenty of response to the same question.

      In terms of what other people will think, my guess is that people you’re close to probably already have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. You can’t really control what acquaintances and outsiders think. I don’t know why anyone would jump from “Cousin Problems has gone silent” to “Cousin Problems doesn’t care about her family’s mental health,” but if someone asks you, you could tell them the truth. “I care about my family’s health, but I can’t help her get a showing for her daughter. Unfortunately, Cousin isn’t able to hear that right now.”

    11. allathian*

      Does your cousin have minor children? Sounds like a call to CPS might be in order. Withholding medical treatment from a child who needs it should be a crime.
      With the kid in her twenties, it’s pretty much impossible to intervene, unfortunately. The husband is also a piece of work.

  57. Pickle Jar*

    Does anyone who reads here have a mentally ill sibling or other family member where the mental illness leads them to be hostile or verbally abusive? How do you deal with the hurtful words and judgment? My sibling is mentally ill but don’t receive treatment because they think they are “fine”. The illness manifests in them being hostile all the time. Since my sibling is an adult and has never expressed to or harmed themselves or someone else we can do nothing to get them treatment. My sibling is passive aggressive, insulting, rude and judges everyone for every single thing (what they eat, where they work, what music they like etc.). They have no hobbies, don’t enjoy anything and have no friends. The family is as no/low contact as possible. I try to let the hurt roll off my back because standing up to my sibling does nothing. But it is exhausting for me and my family to be judged every second and told off because of it. Even when I’m away from my sibling which is most of the time it is in the back of my mind constantly. What are your coping strategies for dealing with someone in your life that has untreated mental illness?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t. Even treated mental illness isn’t an excuse to be nasty to people, and I’m definitely not interested in continuing to put up with someone in my life who is continually nasty to me.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. You don’t have to completely cut ties, but if someone’s being a jerk I leave.

    2. Choggy*

      Maybe you could seek out therapy for yourself how to better deal with your mentally ill sibling? You may be able to learn strategies or coping skills you had not thought of previously to deal with how they make you feel. Honestly, they sound so completely and utterly miserable they can only lash out to ease some of their pain. It’s awful to think they can’t get out of their own way long enough to get the help they need which may actually make them feel better. You mention the family is as low/no contact as possible, so how can your sibling continue to make you feel miserable? One idea would be, if you are exposed to them and they are being judgmental, would be to remove yourself from the situation. No reason why you have to stay there and take it.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I agree with Pickle Jar getting therapy themselves for this difficult issue.
        I have a relative with borderline personality disorder. It’s VERY difficult. I’m on low contact. My neighbor has a similar, serious problem relative and has gone no-contact for her own peace of mind.
        Being abusive is not therapy. Being the target of abuse helps no one. It IS exhausting. Please get professional advice on this. You can call SAMHSA in the U.S., a free national mental health hotline or ask your medical doctor for a referral.
        Internet Hugs.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      Well, I told my brother that I’d be making our parents meat pies with his hyoid attachments if he spoke to me like that again. Your mileage is definitely going to vary on this tactic.

    4. anon for this one*

      I’m in the clinical mental health field, and one of the very first things my mentor told me was “as a psychotherapist, you have to decide early on how much psychopathology you’re willing to allow in your life.” I think the same holds true for people who aren’t in the profession, as un-PC as that may be. This may be beyond the threshold for you. Going to therapy yourself might help, but it won’t change their behavior. I fully advocate for cutting people loose when their behavior is consistently hurtful and they’re unreasonable, even when those people are family members. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “You know what? I’m not willing to continue investing in this relationship anymore.” I know there are a lot of complexities within family relationships that can make it difficult, which is one way therapy for yourself could be quite helpful.

    5. Jaid*

      Who’s judging you and telling you off? Him or some other family members?

      You don’t deserve this treatment and if he doesn’t have anything nice to say, you don’t have to listen.

    7. Aza*

      Distance. My husband’s mom has schizophrenia and when she’s in one of her episodes I don’t respond to texts, etc. Reasoning with her doesn’t help. Meds are what helps.

      When she’s normalized by meds we have a pretty superficial relationship. I’m pleasant to her but I never really want to be close to her because of how nasty she has been in some of her downswings. I know it’s just her illness but I kinda prefer to fly under the radar and not draw her ire when she inevitably goes off her meds and downswings again.

      1. team .010*

        ^^^ My sister has not been diagnosed, but I finally decided after 30 years to model a superficial façade too.
        My joy has increased 1000 fold.

    9. Bluebell*

      Check out NAMI- their webpage at nami.org has very good resources for dealing with mentally ill family members.

    10. allathian*

      Limit contact as much as possible and go completely no contact if that’s what it takes. Your sibling sounds profoundly unhappy, but frankly, that’s not your problem. I would suggest going to therapy yourself to get ideas on how to allow yourself to be guilt free in going completely no contact. Perhaps a support group as well, with people in a similar situation, might give you some perspective. You are allowed to cut hostile and abusive people out of your life.

  58. Disappointing Friend*

    Help

    I need some outside opinions here. So this weekend (on Friday) I decide to go on a camping and backpacking trip with a friend who is about to have a birthday on Sunday. I took off work, drove about 6 hours to their house, and we camped and backpacked. I was up front that I have never backpacked before and may get tired or sick from the altitude we hiked in at, but he said that is fine, just go as far as you can. Well I did end up getting sick from the altitude today. And generally I am so pooped. Literally. We got water from a river and I guess the filter that was lent to me wasn’t working well, so I’ve had diarrhea on and off. I just want to go home and rest, especially with the long ya drive and work on Monday. We made it to the top and camped a night, but today my body is feeling it.

    Sunday being his actual bday, I said last week that I’d stay for brunch. However, I’m feeling so tired and exhausted today that I want to leave early tomorrow morning instead of go to brunch. I let my friend know and he’s really disappointed in me. He said that’s his actual bday, he was planning on celebrating it with me, he hasn’t had people over for months, and now the weekend is ruined and I can’t keep my word. I am at a loss. I know that I said I’d stay for his bday but I didn’t predict this! I considered us celebrating this whole Friday/Saturday trip. What should I do? Should I push through and stay? Or risk disappointing him?

    1. Ice Bear*

      Your friend should put himself in your shoes and not guilt trip you for falling ill and wanting to go home. I get that he’s disappointed, as most people would be, but it’s pretty selfish to want someone to stick around when they are unwell just to celebrate a birthday. He’s not five.

      The only caveat to the above is if you’ve bailed on him on the past with the same reasoning. In that case, he may have a point about not keeping your word. But only you know whether or not this is true.

      1. Disappointing Friend*

        I think that’s fair! But this is the first and only trip we’ve taken together. We aren’t super close, I met him later last year and with COVID this is the first time we’ve met up since then. I think he is just really bummed to not celebrate the day of and I’m thinking of compromising by leaving at 12 instead.

        1. tangerineRose*

          If your friend knows you’re exhausted and dealing with diarrhea, he’s being a total jerk.

        2. Batgirl*

          Just tell him you’re too ill to be impressed by the pouting and you’re going home. You can’t appease this. He’s going to continue pouting and if you’re less than jubilant and lively he’s going to pout harder.

      2. Batgirl*

        ” He’s not five”
        That’s what I was going to say! If I go out two days on my bday weekend (or the prior weekend or following) that’s a solid celebration. If I spend the actual day of my birth watching Netflix, then that’s actually a perk of it falling on the weekend and not a work day. He needs to grow up and develop some compassion for his friends when they feel ill.

    2. Alex*

      What kind of friend would demand that their friend be uncomfortable and sick so that they can have a fun birthday? I can’t imagine saying that to someone I loved (or, I mean, anyone at all…but especially someone I love). It’s one thing to be disappointed, and another to try to lay a guilt trip on someone for wanting to take care of their health and physical wellbeing.

      I was once on a camping trip with a friend who came down with the stomach flu in the wee hours of the morning. I boiled her a cup of tea, cleaned up her vomit, packed up our campsite, and drove us to the nearest hotel. Not once did it occur to me to tell her to power through so as not to ruin my vacation.

      I would leave and reconsider how you view this friendship. Your friend is being really selfish.

      1. Disappointing Friend*

        Thanks for your input and you sound like such a sweet friend! We aren’t the closest of friends, as our friendship is relatively new. But I know that they don’t have any other friends out here and also they’ve been diligently social distancing, so I guess this is out of the ordinary, I hope. This was our trip to really get to know each other and I’m sort of surprised by their reaction. I think I’m going to hang in there and make it to 12 tomorrow.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I have a guess as to why they don’t have any other friends here. I think a lot of us will have the same guess.

    3. Roja*

      Oooh. My sympathies on the not feeling well and camping exhaustion. So I’m going to proceed as if your friend is normally a thoughtful, considerate person. He probably built this up to be The Thing that was the end-all be-all of birthday socialization, especially with everything else being cancelled from covid, and really is disappointed–I’m guessing that because I too get irrationally disappointed when people cancel plans (I don’t act like he does, but still). But you haven’t done anything wrong and are handling everything well. He’s behaving really immaturely and selfishly and if he’s a good friend normally, he’s probably going to get over it and look back in a few days and be super ashamed of himself. Go home tomorrow morning like you want to. Tell him you can reschedule the brunch (and offer some dates, that helps) and then follow through on that.

      Of course, if he’s not normally a kind and thoughtful person, scrap all that advice. And honestly? Probably not a friendship worth keeping, at least not keeping close.

    4. Amtelope*

      You should definitely feel free to go home if you don’t feel well. But, also — is this “go to brunch” as in go out somewhere for brunch? Around other people? While you’re having illness symptoms, of any kind? You can’t do that right now.

      1. Disappointing Friend*

        It wasn’t brunch with people (thank God. I’d have to really put my foot down there.) But it was a go get takeout and brunch at his house. I guess an update (thank you to you all) was that I was able to make it to 12 and then left to drive home. Just made it back. But during the drive I was thinking about what was responded on my post and… I don’t know how close of a friend this will be for me. I think this weekend made me realize that I was more relieved and relaxed in my car on the way home than the whole trip with him :/

        1. allathian*

          Oh dear. Maybe just let this friendship peter out? Don’t contact him and if he contacts you, say no to whatever he plans. He’ll get the message eventually. I just wonder why you stuck around and didn’t leave when you were feeling so sick. Frankly he sounds like a jerk who doesn’t deserve any friends, because he’s incapable of being a considerate friend himself. You deserve better.

      1. valentine*

        You are a saint.
        You have gone above and beyond (including your comfort level!). But even if the details were different, it’s okay to be done, to say so, and to go home sans guilt. Even in my 20s, I would plan to leave early Sunday so I could rest properly before resuming the work week. This guy is way entitled. Sheesh!

        I hope you went home!

    6. Jaid*

      It’s late to say this, but your friend needs to suck it up. You’re sick and in no shape to be around people. It’s a shame, but stuff happens.

      1. Auntie Social*

        This. Give him a brunch rain check for when your tummy is better and you will feel like eating.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Sorry, your so-called “friend” is a petulant, self-centered jerk.

      A good friend would be more concerned about you being exhausted and ill than about his exact birthday. Is he five years old?

      Do not stay. He obviously wasn’t worth the trip in the first place. He certainly isn’t worth gutting it out tomorrow.

      I hope you can find some actual grownup friends, because this guy is neither. And I hope you are well enough to have a safe & peaceful drive home tomorrow.

  59. Choggy*

    My husband continuously struggles with feeling like people are always going to screw him, so he is constantly playing the defensive and hard-ball with in any kind of business transaction. It could be the grocery store, a delivery order (I am trying to do more of these because the people you don’t want to piss off are those making your food!), the car repair shop, whatever. Conversely, I am always in customer service mode when dealing with anyone, because I truly think you get further if you are nice in most interactions (especially now with all the Karen memes, I can’t even imagine being that way!). I really do understand his logic that he does not want to be viewed as someone who will just take anything given, but I feel there should be a better way to be assertive without acting like an asshat. I’ve discussed this him numerous times and will be fine right after, but then he falls right back into his jerk ways. I am really concerned he may take things too far, as he’s also a bit OCD when it comes to ensuring he got everything he “deserved” out of an interaction. I make him sound like a complete jerk, and he can be, though he’s also caring and nice, and a nurse! It definitely stems from being taken advantage of as far as working for his family, and having to work really hard to get to where he is now (less than 2 years from a nice retirement). I try to gently remind him of how fortunate we are, and to be grateful for our first world problems. I still have hope for him and think retirement will be a godsend. Anyone have suggestions what to do in the meantime?

    1. WellRed*

      I actually don’t have hope your husband will improve in retirement. I suspect it will get worse.

      If you get up in the morning and meet an asshole, you’ve met an asshole. If everyone you meet that day is an asshole, YOU’RE the asshole.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d stop “gently” reminding him, and flatly tell him that it’s not right for him to take out his family resentments on others – especially service workers. That, and every time he’s a jerk, simply say “you’re being rude to that person and you need to stop.”

      1. KR*

        Yes. If you guys are anything like my husband and I, the people who’s opinion we really care about is each others. To your husband, what does it matter if he is short with the check-out clerk at the store – he probably won’t ever be around him for an extended period of time. But if he knows that you don’t like it, he is maybe more likely to be aware of it. I would focus on how it makes you feel – “I feel embarrassed when you give the cashier a hard time at the pizza place.” “I felt bad for the clerk at the store we were just at and it made me sad to see you be a jerk to her!” I’m sorry, that stinks. I have had family that can be not nice in customer service situations where I am just like you – always trying to be nice because it’s more productive and because I like to see people happy.

    3. fposte*

      Does he realize he’s become the person trying to take advantage of others who have less power than he does? Or, for short, a bully? He mistakenly believes that feeling in the right puts him in the right. How does he feel when people who feel that way bully him (or you, or, if you have them, kids)? Does he really want to be like those people?

      1. A313*

        Yes, it seems there’s some insecurity at work maybe? At any rate, retirement might not be the fix you’re hoping for. Therapy could help him see his impact on others and the consequence of the cost of getting what he wants and hopefully some suggestions for other perspectives or approaches that might work better for him and everyone.

    4. Washi*

      Since it doesn’t seem to work to talk about the impact it has on other people, maybe talk about the impact it has on you? Being very blunt about not only now having to take on more people-facing chores because you can’t trust him not to lose his sh!t but also how it affects how you see him. (I assume?)

    5. Not So NewReader*

      So the rule of thumb is that when faced with an accusation that the recipient knows is false, usually the accusation is made because the sender is doing the very thing that they are accusing the recipient of.
      Does he realize that people read HIM as a ripping THEM off?

      Remember Bette Midler?
      “It’s the one who won’t be taken, that cannot seem to give.”
      Interestingly the next line might be appropriate also:
      “It’s the soul afraid of dying that has never learned to live.”

      I think third party intervention is the route to go here. He can’t listen to you or cannot retain what the two of you have spoken about.
      You could try asking him, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be free of this constant worry that people are ripping you off? Wouldn’t it be nice to be confident in your interactions with people? Do you want something different from what you have always had?”
      If he can’t get there on his own then maybe some counseling sessions are necessary.

    6. tangerineRose*

      One sad thing about this is that the way he treats people is likely to make them want to be less helpful. He is ironically making his life harder while being a thorn in the side of people who have to deal with him.

      Is there some kind of signal you can give him to let him know he’s out of line?

    7. Choggy*

      Thanks all for your replies. He’s actually been worse in the past and I put my foot down, and still do now when necessary. I call him out when he speaks to someone in a less than pleasant way. He’s just so quick to anger over a perceived slight, when I just let things roll off my back. Funny as it seems, we are good for each other because we react so differently to the same situation. I am and will continue to be honest with him when he overreacts. And need to get him off caffeine as well!

        1. valentine*

          And need to get him off caffeine as well!
          If this isn’t a joke: No, you don’t. You shouldn’t be managing this or policing him at all. You’re mothering him and, not that it’s ever an apropriate role for you, he’s well past that.

          I make him sound like a complete jerk, and he can be, though he’s also caring and nice, and a nurse!
          This is progressively worse. There is just no way he’s not mistreating patients. No one can seamlessly live a double/triple life because they are who they are and they’re going to act like it. You seem to think his behavior is temporary and not indicative of who he is, as well as tolerable because it’s not directed at you, but it’s very much who he is because he chooses to be unkind or downright horrid, even if he hasn’t yet directed it at you.

          Retirement isn’t going to turn off this valve. Why would it? Do you mean isolation or fewer interactions, or do you think he’ll mellow? (Though there’s not only zero evidence, but evidence to the contrary.)

          1. Choggy*

            Whoa, he does NOT mistreat his patients. I think everyone here has taken this way beyond what it is. I do not mother my husband, he knows that he should reduce his caffeine intake, but I don’t harp on him to do so. Sorry if what I wrote seemed more than it is, yes, he has some issues with his temper, but he’s also a highly professional nurse, and does not, and I must emphasize this, DOES NOT, in any way, shape or form, mistreat his patients. He is not a bully, nor are people afraid of him (including me!), I just wanted some pointers how to react when he flies off the handle because he’s stressed or frustrated about something. Yikes.

      2. Ronda*

        When I hear about people getting upset over perceived slights from strangers it always reminds me of the song from the musical Gigi…… She’s Not Thinking of Me

      3. Batgirl*

        Why don’t you take the lead in the easy transactions and save him for when you are being stiffed and need to unleash the kraken? If nothing else it gives you lots of chances to model your method.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Because that ends with her being “Mother” who’s constantly handling all his basic issues because he refuses to behave with adult courtesy.

          1. Batgirl*

            I think that’s a more extreme read than what I saw here! Of course there’s a danger of that happening *somewhat* when someone is bad at something, unless you distribute things equitably like… She does more quantity, he does most frustrating and time consuming. I wouldn’t suggest doing everything, as its seriously disrespectful if anyone even thinks of “constantly handling all his basic issues”. I would leave a relationship where I was that babied. I really doubt someone with Choggys emotional intelligence would do that.

        2. Choggy*

          Hi Batgirl, yes, I am going to focus on taking on more tasks as he does do a great deal so I should be helping more. Appreciate the insight!

  60. PB&J*

    Hi Alison. Sorry if this isn’t the right place to ask this. I found my way over here after reading you on Vice. I want to buy your book. Do you get a better deal if I buy a physical copy over an electronic one? I have no preference so whatever is most beneficial to you. Thank you. This site is great.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      That’s so kind of you to ask! Buy whichever version is better for you — it’s roughly the same for me either way. Thanks for asking (and for reading).

  61. Almost Academic*

    I know the forum is mostly US-Centric, but are there any Canadians here?

    My partner and I are considering moving to Canada in the next month or so, and are looking for more local information regarding COVID-19 in the area. We’re currently looking at either Ottawa or Halifax. Our main concerns are how seriously people are taking physical distancing, mask wearing, etc. In our current location, about half of the population is ignoring these measures, and as a result we’re having local spikes despite attempts at local ordinances. Does anyone have insights regarding these locations, or Canada’s governmental responses to COVID more generally?

    1. Your Local Cdn*

      I currently live in Ottawa and my best friend is from Halifax and has a lot of family there. Due to very low case numbers (low double digits) in both, restrictions are fairly relaxed but Halifax particularly (as part of the province of NS) has taken very strong stances on public health measures. Ottawa has mandatory indoor mask policies, which are followed by over 90% of people based on anecdotal evidence. Overall, I feel the Canadian government has taken the crisis more seriously than the US albeit an initial slowness to respond.

      1. Almost Academic*

        Thank you, this is very helpful to hear. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer, especially with your perspective on mask use.

      2. Colette*

        Also in Ottawa. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone in stores not wearing a mask since the order – but I rarely go to stores, so … Most people I know are taking it seriously, although some have different comfort levels than I do. Everywhere I’ve gone has markers on the floor for distancing, and people take them seriously.

    2. Mediumlow*

      Yes, I am Canadian, although I am in western Canada, so cannot advise you on conditions in the east. I am curious though if you are Canadian citizens and if not, if you have looked into Canada’s immigration requirements and policies? I will post a couple of links in a reply that may be helpful to anyone looking to immigrate to Canada as a non-Canadian citizen.

      1. Mediumlow*

        This is general information on immigrating to Canada

        https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada.html

        And an evaluation type questionaire to determine if one qualifies as a skilled worker for entry

        https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/come-canada-tool-immigration-express-entry.html

        And the documents required as a skilled worker applicant

        https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/express-entry/documents.html

        It seems the process is that one creates a profile of interest as a skilled worker, and waits for Canada to issue an application to apply for permanent resident status, although they are other ways to apply for entry to Canada (see the first link for other immigration categories).

        Apologies if you already have all this info, perhaps others may be interested though.

      2. Almost Academic*

        My partner is a Canadian citizen, and the border just opened up a few weeks back to allow me to accompany him through. We’re currently living in the states for my PhD program, which will be online for the fall. We were considering settling long-term in Canada after I graduate anyways, depending on the job market for my work, so figured going up this fall might be a good trial run (plus his parents would be very relieved to have us back out of the states given how everything is being handled down here!)

    3. WellRed*

      Last I knew, Americans weren’t welcome in Canada, due to our botched handling of COVID.

      1. Mediumlow*

        There is that! I believe the border is now closed for discretionary travel from the US until at least Aug 21.

          1. Mediumlow*

            I support that, even though I am missing trips to the border town mail depot to pick up online shopping that is crazy expensive to get shipped to Canada.

      2. Almost Academic*

        That’s generally true – my partner is a Canadian citizen and they’ve recently relaxed rules on admitting American partners, hence us now considering moving up.

    4. Haligottawan*

      I have lived in both places. They are both doing well with the pandemic. There is a strong sense of communal support.

      The maritimes can be quite insular (you would be CFA and despite the musical’s popularity it’s not a positive expression). I much preferred Ottawa. The multicultural aisle at the big supermarket in Halifax was just ramen noodles for a while. It didn’t get much better while I lived there.

      1. Almost Academic*

        That sense of communal support is really what we’re missing most here, I think. In our current local area it’s so individualistic that we’re seeing very low compliance with mask ordinances. Combined with some pre-existing health issues, it means that we’re almost entirely confined to our house at this point since we can’t trust others to do what is healthy for the population overall.

        Thanks for the help and opinion! I think Ottawa is our leading contender at the moment, given all of the reasons you mention. Someplace insular sounds nice for the first month, but I think we would miss the diversity quickly thereafter.

    5. Aly_b*

      Either way, a reminder that you’ll need to have a solid plan to 100% quarantine yourself for 14 days when you arrive, no popping by the grocery store on the way, no running out for takeout, no taking an evening walk around the park.

      I’m in BC. Not everyone is wearing masks indoors here. It feels like people have sort of relaxed, maybe a little too much so. However, new cases provincially have hovered around 10-20 new cases a day for several weeks, so while I’m definitely masking indoors and wish everyone else would too, it’s perhaps not as alarming here as it would be elsewhere.

      1. Almost Academic*

        Yep! It’s on our list of things to sort out – we are taking quarantine and COVID-19 very seriously. We didn’t leave our house for the first month of quarantine down here, so thankfully have lists already made of the things we need to arrange for and consider to help us stay in full-time. Bringing COVID over and exposing others would be our worst nightmare.

        Helpful to hear about BC area! I wish that we could move that far out west as it looks so gorgeous. Unfortunately it’s impossible with our current work situation but I’m keeping my fingers crossed to be able to make it out there eventually.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Oh thanks for asking this–we were given a 2ndhand queen bed when friends moved out of state, and it’s giving us problems so we need to replace it. The middle supports keep slipping left or right on our hardwood floor so the bed sags and creaks scarily.
      I’m thinking of getting just a frame tall enough to give us under-bed storage space, and add a headboard to that.
      So I’m following!

      1. Enough*

        Had this issue with a frame years ago. Used cinder blocks to support the middle. Also I now make extra supports. Three is not enough. I think my current bed has 5 or 6.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have an old bed that was given to me from family in my guest room. One day I realized that the board in the middle had fallen away entirely. My husband screwed it in place and now it does not budge. This works if you have a wooden frame, but would be more effort with metal.

    2. Ranon*

      We already have a foundation, so just bought the super basic metal kind with wheels frame from the closest mattress store with zero research. Added an upholstered headboard from Wayfair to it a while later- happy with the combo!

    3. HannahS*

      My current and last bed were both Ikea frames, which I wouldn’t recommend. I never had a problem when living alone, but with two people, they’re a bit squeaky. I’d upgrade to something more solid next time. I like the wooden slats for supports, though. I had a boxspring growing up, but I don’t think it’s better than the flexible-ish slats.

    6. Colette*

      I’ve built three bed frames. They’re surprising easy if you have basic tools and a little woodworking knowledge.

    7. Senor Montoya*

      Last year we went to a platform with a hybrid mattress (inner springs + memory foam in one mattress), platform raises at head. Love it!

  63. C Average*

    Have any of you flown recently? If so, what was your experience like, and do you have any recommendations or suggestions for navigating airports and airplanes in covid time?

    I’m making a truly necessary trip (trust me on this) and want to take every possible precaution not to get or spread the virus. I’m fairly confident I’m not carrying the virus; I live in an area with relatively few cases and have taken isolation extremely seriously. I’m flying into an area with a much higher rate of infection, and I have a layover in one of the worst hot spots in the country on my return flight.

    I’m not particularly superstitious, but I dug out my mom’s old St. Christopher medal. I’m also bringing a small vat of hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, and fresh mask for each day of my trip.

    1. A313*

      A friend just flew and sent me a photo of himself on the plane, masked and wearing one of those face shields. I think those could be very helpful. One doctor, who felt he took very good precautions (mask, gloves, handwashing, sanitizer, etc.), believes he may have gotten COVID from the virus entering his body through his eyes (he didn’t have a face shield), and the face shield is supposed to help prevent that. Something to maybe look into.

      1. C Average*

        Thanks! I’m fairly nearsighted and wear glasses, so I already have some eye protection. I may look into one of those shields for my return flight. Probably not enough time to order one before I go.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband has had to fly for work trips, two round trips in the last six weeks. Our home area is fairly middle-of-the-pack, I think, as far as COVID goes, and both trips were to the Dallas area of Texas. He masked, of course, carried hand sanitizer with him, and touched as little as possible, but otherwise just generally kept himself to himself, and he seems to have come out fine. (He tested clear after he returned from the first trip, and just tested Friday, six days after his return from the second one.) While he was there, he went pretty much nowhere other than the hotel and the work site – so he was kinda stir crazy at the end of the two week trip, but that was better than the alternative. (He also took his playstation with him, which helped.)

    3. it happens*

      There was a WSJ article this week about how safe the air on planes is. So your precautions sound just about right. The biggest risk is being close to people as they are putting up/taking down their overhead luggage. Wear your mask and look away. Glasses also good.
      Have a safe trip

    4. BRR*

      I’d plan on quarantining when you get to your destination and when you get back. I’d also plan your transport to and from the airport very carefully.

    5. nep*

      I see that many (most? all?) airlines are blocking middle seats / spacing people out…some better than others? Do you know how your airline is handling seating?

    6. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’d google something about TSA procedures during COVID. I saw something but can’t remember where about different things they’re asking to avoid hand checks of luggage. I specifically remember following all the rules about liquids and new procedures about snacks carried on.

    7. acmx*

      I fly consistently. Many airports require face coverings. If you’re flying say PDX to PHX both requires a face cover at the airport and in public. I’d say all airlines require face covering in flight and most have a self acknowledgement of health (you don’t have a fever or experiencing symptoms, feel ill).

      In general, security lines have signage marking 6 feet of spacing, you will typically hand your ID to TSA, scan your boarding pass and step back to pull down your mask. If you have pre-check, I recommend a paper pass because some airports have reduced privileges (shoes on but electronics out) and sometimes one is needed.

      There’s sanitizer all around the airport. You can avoid the food areas if you want since people are allowed to remove their masks when eating/drinking (obviously). Seating has been reduced to allow for separation.

      Southwest and Delta are keeping middle seats open until Sep 30.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m following this – I am going to have to fly unexpectedly very soon. I had set expectations that I was not traveling to (name of location) until a vaccine or herd immunity, but ….non-covid death in the family, and I too read the WSJ this week. I’ll be flying one of the airlines with the empty middle seat. And…. keeping social distancing on embark/ deplane, even if I have to pay to board early and wait until everyone is off. I agree that’s a danger zone. I’ve been SIP since the end of February, 2x a month out for essentials I can’t get delivered, and ….now this. But, I will do my best. And heading off to order a face shield to go over my mask and glasses.

  64. Red Sky*

    Recommendations for a compact wireless printer/copier combo that will last a while, wont cost $$$ for ink, and wont break the bank (<$200 if that's realistic)?

    In order to keep them home rather than braving the plague and venturing out to Best Buy or Target, I've volunteered to order a replacement printer for my in-laws' 10 yr old printer that finally bit the dust. I haven't used a home printer in years so seeking recs from the commentariat. They're not at all technologically savvy (only have a flip cell phone in the glovebox for emergencies type people) so we'll be setting it up for them, but they need to be able to use it; basic buttons rather than apps or touch screens would probably be best, unless the touch screen is super self-explanatory.
    My father-in-law mostly uses it to print out and copy his genealogy research. so black and white is fine and they wouldn't know how to use a scanner, but I guess that's standard now on combo printers?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a Brother DCP L2540DW – I think there’s a slightly updated version now though. It’s about as compact as the combos can get, it’s laser so they won’t have to worry about ink cartridges going dry, it has real buttons and not a lot of crazy setting options, and I’m still on the original cartridge that came with it after… four years, I think? And the replacement cartridge I have waiting for when that first one finally gives up the ghost was about $15.

      1. Red Sky*

        Thank you, it looks like it’s within budget and the not having to worry about ink going dry is definitely a benefit.

      2. T. Boone Pickens*

        I’m on team Brother as well. I’ve got a L2390DW model that ran me ~$150 at Best Buy. It’s a perfect home/home office printer for me and it’s very user friendly. As Red Reader mentioned, the laser printer aspect means you’re not going to be shelling out money for ink all the time and you don’t have to worry about the cartridges drying out (which is infuriating.)

      3. hermit crab*

        Seconding the recommendation for Brother laser printers. Inkjets are way more trouble than they’re worth and the ink is so expensive!

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      My part of town has a semi prevalent homeless population with people standing at intersections panhandling. I am on a limited budget, but I do want to help in a meaningful way. I’ve never been in the situation where homelessness was a real possibility, so I don’t really know where to start.

      I do see a lot of the same people at the various intersections I pass. I live in the South. It’s hot. Very. Hot. Covid is flourishing. I know shelf stable foods are good (tuna, crackers, fruit in a cup…). But what else?

      1. Red Sky*

        I know, right?! But unfortunately they are pretty technologically adverse and unwilling to learn new things. Not that I blame them, they’re both in their late 70’s with health issues. Adding one more thing to learn on top of the already challenging things they’re dealing with day to day sometimes just isn’t worth it. Seems like we have to get the scanner option if we want printer and copier, so who knows, Father-in-law might just surprise us, he has before.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Basically, the copier just takes the scanner input and prints it directly rather than exporting it to a computer :)

          1. Red Sky*

            I just know they’re going to be like, ‘why’d you get one with a scanner, we don’t need a scanner, I hope it wasn’t too much extra’. Explaining a scanner is required to make copies is probably not going to be a productive conversation to have with them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

            1. fhqwhgads*

              I have a couple suggestions that I think might help obviate the scenario you just described.
              Option 1: If he says ‘why’d you get one with a scanner, we don’t need a scanner, I hope it wasn’t too much extra’ say “that’s not a scanner it’s a copier.” Ever so slight difference than explaining one is required for the other and *might* work.
              Option 2: If he says that, reply with “I actually got a great deal and this one was less!”
              Option 2: If he says that tell him they don’t make them one without the other. It’s a blame the manufacturer scenario. It might not work if he prone to continuing to complain even when you say something doesn’t exist, but it’d at least get the blame off you personally for buying it.

              1. Red Sky*

                Thanks! I probably made it sound worse than it is. They’ll be appreciative of us taking care of this for them, but there’ll be one or two little comments most likely stemming from their anxiety about things not in their control.

    4. Lady Heather*

      We have a Xerox, which is a laser printer. Laser printers are more expensive upfront (compared to inkjet) but the toner is way more affordable.

      But laser printers are so underrepresented for consumers that they don’t even show up on most consumer comparison compilations.

      I have good experiences with Xerox, though I can’t recommend a model because ours doesn’t have an integrated scanner.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      When I last got a printer, Brother seemed to be the best. Recommend a laserjet. I haven’t had much luck with wireless printers in general, so have just used the wire.

    6. Red Sky*

      Thanks y’all I’ve ordered the Brother DCP L2540DW off Amazon, arriving next week!

  65. KoiFeeder*

    Once again dropping in to get some advice from adultier adults.

    You all may or may not be familiar with the sleep study woes, I can give more detail if needed. Basically, after the second sleep study where I came back with some pretty concerning results, the center wanted a laundry list of things to do. My insurance denied everything, and in the “we are denying this because of these reasons:” section it was literally blank. I got this letter a month after they deadline they said I had to protest this- I learned that my insurance had denied things from the sleep center weeks before I got the letter!

    My primary is furious. She actually thinks I need to get a lawyer involved at this point, since my phone number seems to be blocked by the insurance company. This… feels a little extreme. But I have no idea what I’m doing or what I should be doing. So, adultier adults of the commentariat, any advice?

    1. BRR*

      Typically the first step is for your doctor to appeal the denial. Also see if your state has a government entity to file a complaint with. My state has an official avenue for insurance complaints. But often times I’ve had luck with the first appeal because a claim was denied based on missing information that the insurance company never asked for in the first place. An hr coworker has also suggested I let them know if am having issues with the insurance company and they put me in touch with a patient advocate who turned out to be zero help for me (assuming you have employer provided insurance)

      If you have the envelope the denial came in, save it for the postmark date.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, your provider should appeal the denial. (I work in medical billing.)

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I mean, my primary is appealing, she’s just also completely furious that they sent me the letter a month late and have apparently blocked my number.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yeah, that’s definitely wonky. You didn’t specify – what’s making you/her think that they’ve blocked your number? That’s something that … while big corporate call-in lines *can* do it, it’s not something they do on the regular, because it’s enough hoops to jump through that they save it for, like, the guy who’s calling up every female operator in the place and recreating his favorite p0rn scene dialogues. (And a lot of them won’t even do it for HIM.)

            1. KoiFeeder*

              Well, I dial in, and I just get the dial tone until I hang up. It used to be that I’d call in, I’d get the voice menu, and after about three tries of me trying to use the menu the robot would hang up on me. If other people dial in, they get the voice menu right away, without even having to say anything. I haven’t tried dialing in from another number, but other people have dialed in from my number with the same result.

              To be clear, I think what happened is that the voice menu robot flagged me as spam or something. I sound pretty robotic on the phone, so voice menus and voice recognition systems have a terrible time with me. It’s not really surprising that the insurance robot couldn’t manage me either- I just wish they had a number menu so I didn’t have to say anything.

              1. I'm A Little Teapot*

                That’s not acceptable.

                Assuming you’re in the USA – you may want to file a complaint with your state’s Department of Insurance. If you do that, definitely include in there that you’ve apparently been blocked/flagged as a bot/something when you call in. Insurance companies have requirements that they respond to every complaint that comes in, and if it comes through the DOI they’re answerable to the state on it as well.

              2. BRR*

                I would file a complaint with the state, but I’d also try to reach out via email, if they have a messaging system, or social media to try and get through on the phone.

    2. Red Sky*

      Ugh, that’s complete and utter h@rsesh!t. I’d start by checking with your state’s Insurance Commissioner or equivalent about what your rights are and how to file a complaint if necessary, then proceed accordingly. I’d also see what I needed to do to restart the appeal process, but since you can’t directly call your insurer I’d send them an email (establishes paper trail) documenting everything you’ve told us here and inquiring about what the heck is going on. If you can get an email address to cc someone from the Insurance Commissioner’s office on that might be helpful too.

      1. blaise zamboni*

        Yes, check with your state’s insurance regulatory body. You may be able to appeal directly with the state’s oversight group, even without appealing to your health plan first. (Confirm that based on your state, of course.) Hang on to the letter and any medical records you have that support the work you need to have done. second the suggestion to save the postmarked envelope if that’s possible. I’m glad your primary is on your side; in my state, her support would automatically grant you an expedited appeal.

        I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and process concerning medical results at the same time! I hope you get the care you need soon.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Honestly, I’m glad they found something. A lot of my medical issues are all symptom and no solution, so even though “you did not once enter REM sleep over eight hours and also all of our other readings are a nightmare” is not good news it’s at least something actionable.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, please don’t pay for help from an attorney. You can probably get free help here.

    3. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Agree with insurance commissioner, sometimes it it an ombudsman. Very your coverage to make sure the recommended services are covered and that the diagnosis your doctor is submitting is specifically covered, close but not the same can result in denial. For example, your physician might note you have sleep apnea, but the only diagnosis insurance will cover is Obstructive sleep apnea. Hunt around on your insurances web site for more detailed coverage information specific to the items planned. If you are in or retired from a union, get them involved. Good luck.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Oops, I should probably clarify- I’m a grad student on my parents’ insurance. That doesn’t really change your advice, I just realized that I probably should clarify.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      And my insurance just sent me a bill for the sleep study which they said they’d cover. Thankfully I have that paperwork on me, too, so I can prove that they promised to pay for it.

      I am… going to write swear words until I feel better. And try not to scream.

      1. Mimmy*

        So your insurance will pay for the sleep study but not the subsequent testing or procedures they want you to have done? Just making sure I’m understanding.

        The whole thing sounds bizarre though, especially the number blocking (which doesn’t sound intentional from your reply earlier but still…)

        1. KoiFeeder*

          For context, my primary had to fight to get me an in-home sleep study, which produced some really weird results that basically mandated a lab sleep study. After fighting some more with the insurance, they authorized it and said they’d pay… and now I’m getting a bill from them for it.

          What my insurance actually seems to want is for me to die and stop costing them so much money. I live near a right-to-die state and I’ve known other disabled people in my college who have gotten informational packets basically on the level of “Have You Considered Dying To Save (Our) Money” from their insurances. One of them is collecting them from the rest of us and planning on making a blackout poetry installation from them, so I’m half-excited to see if the insurance sends me one so I can pay my metaphorical dues to art.

          1. WellRed*

            So lots of times an insurer will pay for one diagnostic test, not two. I’m doing a home colon cancer screening, but if I then needed an actual colonoscopy, they won’t pay for it until it’s time for the next allowed one (10 years).

            1. KoiFeeder*

              I mean, I had the lab sleep study because the first diagnostic test was… Not invalid, but the results were so buckwild that it was more likely that there had been a failure of the in-home test than that they were the correct result. So, if I have a diagnostic test, and it’s just completely messed up (whether by my error or an error of the machinery), the insurance still won’t pay for the recheck?

              1. WellRed*

                It may not. It’s insurance, they go by codes and algorithms or whatever, not logic or common sense. If this is the issue, though, hopefully appealing with help. I may be off-base here, too, but it’s something to seriously consider as you try to sort this.

                Literally a convo I had with my doctor this week.

                1. KoiFeeder*

                  That’s irritating! Thanks for the heads-up, though. This is why I’m grateful to be able to consult adultier adults here. :)

                2. Observer*

                  Actually, I’m pretty sure they are required to pay for retesting when results are problematic.

                3. KoiFeeder*

                  @Observer The results were “corpse” and I am still breathing, so I’d call that problematic.

                  (Well, it wasn’t that bad, but it was definitely at the level of “you probably would have severe brain damage if you had sustained periods of blood oxygen at this percentage” bad.)

          2. RagingADHD*

            I’m really curious about those information packets. Were they about advance directives and healthcare proxies?

            Because if they were being sent to college students/new adults with a lot of medical needs, those would actually be really important papers to get done. And *especially* if your biological next of kin are NOT the people you would want to have access to you and make decisions for you if you were temporarily or permanently incapacitated.

            Because without those forms in place, if you got run over by a bus (or the equivalent), biological next of kin is who they ask, and nobody else gets a say.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              I know there was information on what the right-to-die laws of the neighboring state did and did not cover, benefits of humane euthanasia, and a list of doctors from that state in their network that were able to prescribe humane euthanasia. There might have been some other stuff, since I’ve never physically held a copy and read it end to end. But none of us really hold any confidence in pamphlets titled “The Benefits of Right-To-Die” sent only to the disabled folks.

              To the best of my knowledge and ability, these weren’t necessarily adults with a lot of medical needs. They were also sent to people who, again to the best of my knowledge and ability, primarily just need one or two prescriptions (not necessarily of medicine, mobility devices and service animals are also included). Our best guess is that it was sent based on either diagnoses or types of prescriptions, not true likelihood of being in a situation where humane euthanasia would be necessary. I think I’m the only one who’s likely to die early from my disorders (by virtue of what they are, rather than inappropriate medical care or social factors), and I still haven’t gotten one.

              And, to be honest, I’m pretty sure it would be considered bad if a doctor prescribed humane euthanasia to someone who had down’s syndrome and needed a service dog, even on the minuscule chance that that person wanted euthanasia in the first place!

              1. RagingADHD*

                Well, it would be completely illegal. There’s no such thing as “elective” euthanasia in the US, you’d have to be terminally ill with only a very short time left anyway.

                That’s so bizarre.

      2. blackcat*

        So unfortunately, in most states, them saying it would be covered does not actually mean it would be. If you have an actual preauthorization, that should be binding, but just a statement, even a written statement doesn’t mean anything, unfortunately.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              I’m going to appeal, for sure.

              If I lose, what’s the policy on posting gofundme links on AAM? (this is a joke.)

  66. Rent vs. buy*

    Being stuck at home has made me realize I don’t like renting from a large company. So, I’ve got a year to ponder renting from a small landlord or buying my own home. I’ve put off buying because I hate the thought of being responsible for everything, but at the same time I also like having full dominion over where I live. What was your tipping point to get you into buying and how did you get over the fear of all the things that can go wrong/break in a home?

    1. I edit everything*

      When we were relocating, we discovered that we could get much more home/land for a smaller monthly payment (which includes our homeowners insurance) by buying. Home-ownership definitely has its frustrations, but I’m really happy not to be renting.

    2. Colette*

      I found apartment living restrictive after a while. I do a lot of camping, and that takes stuff, which I had to store and cart down 7 stories through 4 sets of doors. I was able to buy and too young/foolish to worry about all the things that can go wrong.

      If you’re thinking about buying, I’d consider:
      – would you stay for 5+ years?
      – would you able to afford mortgage + condo fees if applicable + taxes + significant repairs (don’t just compare the mortgage with your rent)
      – are you able to make minor repairs or pay someone else to do them?
      – are you able to afford moving + closing costs
      – do you want the lifestyle you’d have in the place you’re going to buy?

      If all the answers are yes, go for it!

    3. Gatomon*

      I decided to buy because I wanted more space, and there were issues with neighbors and the neighborhood that were becoming untenable. I ended up purchasing a condo because I have little interest in yard work, and the lack of that is what I loved about renting apartments. (I’m allergic to green things so I don’t really spend time outside anyway.) Plus I never have to fork out for a new roof!

      My dad was in home construction and remodel so I felt pretty comfortable with what to expect from homeownership before purchase. We always lived in fixer uppers, and that’s what I bought. My home is 18 years old and was completely untouched when I bought it, so I knew I was going to be spending a lot on repairs and deferred maintenance. But I get to pick out my own appliances and choose higher-quality products because I’m buying for myself. This was a rental and I’d rather deal with all the break-fixes myself than purchase something that had the cheapest repairs done on it. (The landlord-owners were not good, and their tenant was trash.) I’ll be hiring out for most of the work; I just don’t have time by myself. If my dad was still alive, I’m sure it’d be a different story.

      The biggest thing is being able to afford to deal with issues. If you have the money, you can always outsource to an expert if you feel overwhelmed by the number of tasks or if you don’t feel like you have the skills or want to invest in gaining them. There are some areas where you will most likely want to hire out though. For example, I spent $1800 this week on a new high-quality hot water tank that will be more efficient than the old, and everything is now up to the new codes. The plumber did it much faster than I could’ve (literally 1 hour 15 minutes from getting eyes on the job to pulling out of my driveway with his check) and I know it’s done right. You could go to the big box stores and buy a new tank yourself for much less, but I recall my dad doing this a lot growing up. Every two years like clockwork our basement would be flooded and he’d be out buying a new tank! Pay now or pay later. :)

      1. A313*

        I know people in condos say they don’t have to pay for yard care or new roofs, but that technically isn’t true; if your building has outdoor space that needs care, it’s included in your monthly assessment and ditto with the new roof. And it will be other people’s choices/decisions on whether, when, and who to hire unless you’re on the condo board, and still it’s not only your decision. Of course, this isn’t a problem probably a large part of the time, but you have to make sure the condo association has healthy finances. (If a lot of owners start having financial difficulties, it impacts all of the owners moreso than financial difficulties in your village or county.). And there can be special assessments, as well (a friend had an emergency assessment that she had to take a loan out for).

        This is just my personal, biased set of concerns, obviously. If you at all lean towards a single family home, I’d look into that before you decide. You can choose to mow your own lawn if you want or you don’t want to budget for it, and your cousin who has a roofing company can hopefully give you a family discount on the roof. The first property I bought was a smaller house, and I loved it!

        1. Dan*

          Why do you think you’re biased? Everything you’ve written is true. I’ve seen condo fees in the area where I live that can approach the monthly rent on my apartment. For the crowd who thinks renting is throwing money down the drain, I’d like to know what they think of condo fees.

          Where I live, a condo is a reasonable first home purchase. But the cynic in me says that condos are the combination of the worst of renting with the worst of ownership. The truly sucky thing about condos is that if your building isn’t managed well, it’s either going to be tough to sell your unit, or you have to sell it at a loss.

          1. A313*

            I know condo living works for some people, but they are generally clear on how everything works and how much it all costs. Don’t want to offend anyone!
            Still, hard to sell your unit if the practically identical unit down the hall is being sold at a fire-sale price out of dire need.
            And assessments go up periodically, and if that doesn’t fit your budget, you can’t change that and decide to put off certain maintenance until it makes sense for your budget the way you can with your own house.
            I had one apartment that had roaches in the building. Getting everyone to keep their units appropriately clean and food put away was not possible — I left before my lease was up and decided when I could swing it, I’d buy a freestanding house. In my area, prices of houses increase faster than condos, so if you ever plan to sell, a house is a better bet.

      2. Dan*

        Where I live, there are lots of single family houses packed tightly into subdivisions. In some ways, I think that “neighbor problems” in an apartment are easier to deal with than “neighbor problems” in those types of houses. In an apartment, you can *always* complain to your property manager, as most leases have clauses that say you won’t annoy your neighbors. I’m not saying that the PM will put the kabosh on every nuisance, but they’ll keep a lot of it under control. Contrast that to a house. *Maybe* you can complain to the HOA (if you have one) but if not, the cops are your only bet, and the reality is that most things your neighbors do that annoy you don’t run afoul of local ordinances.

        And if you don’t like your neighbors where you’ve bought a place, you’re probably all screwed until someone sells and moves.

    4. Dan*

      Heh. I’ve rented from large companies and mom-and-pop operations, and I prefer the large corporation. It’s not the size that matters per se, but with the big ones, you know what you’re getting (hopefully). With the mom-and-pops, there needs to be a very clear understanding of who is responsible for what. This lady my friend and rented from expected us to take care of minor repairs, without telling us that up front. Me and my friend? We expected to pick up the phone, report a problem, and have the land lady deal with getting it fixed.

      As for your broader question about the tipping point buying a place… financial readiness. I live in an HCOL area, and if you can’t afford a house, you can’t afford it. I’m in no hurry to move out of my place, but now that the finances are in order, it’s a matter of the right dwelling in the right location. Buying the wrong thing is far worse than renting IMHO.

  67. MsChanandlerBong*

    Has anyone had any luck with a restrictive diet to reduce GI symptoms? I posted a while back, and somebody recommended the FODMAP diet. I tried it, and I definitely identified a few FODMAP foods that trigger my symptoms (onions are a HUGE no-no for example). But, some of the “safe” foods are foods that give me problems, and a lot of the FODMAP foods you’re supposed to avoid give me no trouble at all. I am to the point that I can eat about six things without having symptoms: eggs, chicken, Olive Garden chicken Alfredo (of all things!), beef (sirloin, filet mignon, etc.), cantaloupe, and bacon. I cannot eat corn, onions, watermelon, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, any kind of seed (poppy, mustard, sunflower, etc.), walnuts, cashews, macadamia nuts, almonds anymore, peanuts, peanut butter, anything cooked in peanut oil, wine, grapes, sugary beverages (like a frappuccino from Starbucks or a non-diet soft drink, bell peppers, eggplant, beans (kidney, black, etc.), fried foods, and venison/game meats. To add insult to injury, I have heart and kidney disease, so my doctors are constantly on my case about losing weight and limiting animal products, but the problem is that I can’t tolerate most fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. Other than the game meat, I have no trouble with high-protein foods/animal products like cheddar cheese, red meat, poultry, and eggs. But I’m not supposed to be eating them.

    Any more ideas? I have been tested for celiac disease, a variety of parasites, and so forth–all negative. I am seeing another GI specialist next week, but I’m trying to get an idea of what I should ask her/see if anyone else has a similar problem.

    1. NRG*

      This sounds frustrating. How do you do with vegetables if they are very well cooked? This is the only way I can have carrots, though I “just” get heartburn. How about sweet potatoes or squash? Have your doctors considered a sensitivity to fructose?
      I also have trouble with corn, all members of the onion family, all types of cabbage, fried foods and grapes. I can have broccoli if it is boiled. I have a cross-reaction allergy between certain pollens and sets of fruits. This fabulously weird but apparently not unusual thing means I can’t eat melons if I’ve been exposed to grass pollen. Maybe ask about allergies? Grape or corn allergy can be difficult to immediately identify. Cabbage can be just a whole separate issue. Meanwhile, it sounds like you could eat lots of chicken…

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        The vegetables that bother me raw also bother me cooked. I had eggplant a couple months ago, and I won’t tell you what happened afterward, but just know that I thought I was dying. I’m hit or miss with carrots. Sometimes I can eat them cooked, but sometimes I can’t.

    2. Chaordic One*

      Well, I’ve certainly had good luck on a restricted diet now that I know what to avoid. There should be some fruits and vegetables that you can tolerate. Squash? Green beans? Peas? Tomatoes? Cauliflower? Asparagus?

      I would high recommend seeing an allergist to confirm that you have food allergies, and then perhaps a visit with a nutritionist who should be able to guide you to the foods that you can eat. With my health insurance, if you get a referral from your doctor, several visits to a nutritionist are covered, but that might not be the same for you.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I seem to be okay with asparagus, cauliflower, and squash. Green beans and peas are a no-no. Tomatoes are hit or miss, but they give me heartburn, so I try to avoid them anyway. The nutritionist is a good idea–I didn’t think to check if one would be covered by my insurance.

        1. Chaordic One*

          The nutritionist was able to recommend some very good cookbooks and make recommendations about ingredients to use as substitutes for the things I am allergic to. They were a life-saver when it came to menu planning and helping me to read food labels and figure out what to look for when grocery shopping. Even if the insurance hadn’t covered it, it would have been worth paying for it out-of-pocket. hope I don’t make it sound more complicated than it is. It does require some effort but it gets easier over time and it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort.

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      I think it depends on what your symptoms are. If you are having bloating, gas, and either diarrhea or constipation, I would ask about SIBO – small intestinal bacteria overgrowth. Diet alone won’t correct the problem. Also If you have a really bad case of IBS you might have to eliminate foods for a longer time before trying to add ones back. I hope the new GI will be able to help!

    4. Batgirl*

      I dont know what your doctors would say as its very animal-y, but when I was researching stuff with my sister we came across lots of recommendations for bone broth diets for IBS. If memory serves it was aimed at getting you some nutrition while you were struggling to eat stuff, identify triggers…
      I did an elimination diet that was a life saver; I had to strip my diet right back to see what was affecting me (and my gut healed in the interim) but my nutrition source wouldn’t be appropriate for you by the sounds: juices, smoothies and veggie soups it was very vegan. However I think some things are supposed to be more digestible in juice/liquid form.

    5. WellRed*

      I’m assuming you’ve ruled out the usual suspects like diverticulitis, IBS or some sort of intestinal infection? What about a pancreatic problem? Pancreatic enzymes are what enable you to digest food.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, when I saw all the seeds on your list, I thought diverticulitis.

        Seconding the other comments about testing raw and cooked versions separately. A family member could eat raw tomato but got very sick from cooked tomato.

        Good luck!

    6. nep*

      Same–thought of diverticulosis when I read the list of things that bother you. Not sure, though, with the cruciferous vegetables issues.
      (What kind of symptoms do the ‘no-no’ foods trigger? And do all the troublesome foods produce the same symptoms? Not that I would know what this would mean–I’m curious is all.)
      Wishing you all the best. May you find some relief soon.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        My belly gets distended to the point that I look like I am about seven months along in a pregnancy. I get abdominal pain/discomfort and very bad diarrhea. TMI alert ahead: In really bad cases, my belly will swell up for two to four days, and then finally everything comes to a head and I have diarrhea between 20 and 25 times in one day. It’s so bad that I have to keep Gatorade on hand at all times because I feel faint/dehydrated afterward. I’ve even ended up in the ER because the abdominal swelling makes it difficult for my diaphragm to move, so I end up short of breath.

        This is my second time seeing a GI specialist. The first time, we had to put a pin in it because I’d have to stop my blood thinners to have any kind of endoscopy done, but at the time, I was only a few months post-MI, so my doctors didn’t want me stopping my meds at that point.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      From a friend’s experience I’ll suggest an allergist. My friend is allergic to corn and intolerant of rice & hard wheat. So anything with corn syrup or corn starch can trigger her. That includes confectioner’s sugar and most cheap American peanut butters.
      That high-fructose corn syrup hides everywhere it seems!

    8. Qwerty*

      I wonder if the underlying problem has spawned other nutritional issues and now your whole system is out of whack? Given the limited diet you can handle, it sounds like you probably aren’t getting all the nutrition/vitamins that you need and having deficiencies in those can each spawn their own set of issues.

      These suggestions won’t fix your core issue, but maybe some out of the box thinking will help reduce the symptoms from the limited diet to help you and specialist narrow down what is going on.

      – Have you tried probiotics? Not sure if yogurt or dairy products are do-able for you, but you can also get them as liquids or pills
      – Vitamin drinks and/or powders? Or even protein shakes (though you are probably getting enough protein) Something to give you all the vitamins that you’d normally get from fruit/veggies.
      – What about fiber? Only 1/6 of your safe foods has that. Maybe try a fiber powder like Metamucil? If you try this, start with half or less of the recommended dose and work your way to a regular dose since your diet currently has so little fiber. Adding too much fiber too quickly has its own brand of side effects.
      – A lot of my family/friends have had luck with regulating major GI issues by drinking 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar diluted with at least 8oz of water before meals. I don’t remember all the research, but there was stuff about being the right acid level for your stomach (which helps with reflux and GERD), aiding in digestion, and being antifungal/antibacterial. I have some GI issues and I’ve found it helpful in treating them when I screw up my diet and need to get it under control
      – Pay attention to if any of these foods cause reactions only with each other. I’ve run into a lot of stuff where A is fine and B is fine but if I have A and B in the same day I am very not fine

  68. Aphrodite*

    I am fortunate enough to be working from home (since mid-March) for a California community college that takes COVID seriously so no one other than Security and Grounds is on any of the three campuses. Our salaries and fabulous benefits are intact. In addition, we have a strong union. I am highly valued by my supervisor so I do not anticipate being laid off at any time in the future but, still, one never really knows. I am not wealthy or even close to it. I am, however, stable and secure having paid off the last of my debt a couple of months ago and now saving most of my money.

    I helped my sister out in June by paying most of her subsidized rent of $175. Then a few days ago, an hourly/temp worker at the college, who was getting some hours by working on a special project, was told by my boss that no more work could be done, that she needed to apply for unemployment. This sent her into a major depression. I ended up giving her $100. I hope it helps her break or at least crack that downward spiral she was in so she could apply to some jobs I told her about.

    And then it occurred to me that maybe one of the ways I can continue to show gratitude for what I have is to set aside a monthly amount of $50 and give it to someone I see who is hurting. Maybe a family in a grocery store having to pick and choose rather than get what they used to. Maybe someone who mentions their TP Is about to run out and they won’t get their unemployment for another week. In other words, when I am out and about to listen and then to surprise them.

    It wouldn’t change bad circumstances on a huge basis but it might provide just that bit of hopefulness that might keep them going. What do you think of this idea? I am in a higher-risk group so driving people, being out more often than I need to be, helping distribute food, and other risky activities is not an option I want to explore right now. This, while it won’t change the world will be able to impact the world for one person or family. (And I really don’t want to donate that money each month to a charity; I would rather do a totally unexpected surprise for an individual I don’t know so they are startled out of their day.)

    Do you think this is a good idea?

    1. ...*

      I think its a good idea and it might not change the entire world but it could change someone’s world for a week or two and that can be absolutely HUGE. Totally random but once someone just gave me their old iPhone when mine broke and I was completely broke and it was just absolutely awesome.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      My opinion is: no, I wouldn’t do this.
      Giving $50 to strangers on a split-second assumption has pitfalls. Mostly, I worry about your safety in that moment.
      If you don’t want to give to a legit charity, then use the money to strengthen your own finances so you don’t become a financial casualty yourself. Especially now when no one knows how long this pandemic will last.
      Stay safe. Stay healthy.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I can see this, there could be some safety risk here.

        My suggestion then would be to find an intermediary to help you. This could be the local police, they often know who is struggling. A pastor/minister would also be aware of who needs help.

        Some times small towns or municipality have heat/utility funds that they hand out. Maybe you could find a fund to donate to along these lines.

        Local food banks- however, call them and ASK them what in particular they need if you choose to give non-cash items.

        You could check to see how your local library is doing financially, maybe they’d need a bit help.

    3. fposte*

      I give through the subreddit r/assistance sometimes. They have some strict rules and strongly prefer that you buy people needed items off Amazon wishlists or similar rather than giving money directly. I think probably giving to the food bank, which I also do, is probably a better and fairer charitable value, but sometimes I just feel like doing a “frivolity offset” when I’ve enjoyed something that it’s a privilege to enjoy.

    4. Pamela Adams*

      I think it’s an excellent idea. I work fr the CSU, so am in agreement that we are in a pretty stable position.

    5. Purt's Peas*

      Yes and no! I think that giving money directly to people who are without is an effective method of charity. And of course I think that giving to charity is a fundamental duty.

      Here’s the but for me. You really have to be sure that you’re not creating a relationship where the recipient is subservient to you. Do you think that it will embarrass the person? Are you absolutely sure that this would be welcome? With strangers, these questions are so crucial but so difficult to predict that I think giving anonymously is better in this case. Like: you are planning to give this money with a string attached, and that is that it will make the other person feel good and make you feel good. That’s the most pleasant possible string, but it is a string! Will you feel bad if the other person isn’t particularly grateful? Do you think that the other person will need to perform some kind of gratitude?

      In the context of a relationship where you know some of the parameters this is mitigated. You and your sister, you & your coworker, know each other well enough to navigate this. If you give money to a homeless person who’s asking for it, you know this relationship and you can navigate it.

      So–I’d really recommend: give to someone you have a relationship with, give to a charity, or give as anonymously as you can. It is truly good to do this, though–I don’t want to rain on you here!

    6. Ali*

      Does your city have a Mutual Aid group? Our city has one that sprang up in the wake of Covid, and it’s a casually organized way to do exactly what you’re describing.

    7. valentine*

      I only give to strangers online. No resentment, awkwardness, or impact on my work.

      Unless your savings are more than you could possibly ever need, save that money. Don’t give just because you can on paper.

      1. Colette*

        I’m not sure I’d ever give directly to random strangers, but it’s ok to give if you can, even if you’re not financially set for life.

        1. valentine*

          it’s ok to give if you can, even if you’re not financially set for life.
          It depends, and no one knows right now that they won’t need a shedload for medical bills or due to loss of income, etc. Just because you have $x in the bank or to hand doesn’t mean you should give it away.

    8. lazy intellectual*

      Donating money is a good idea, but I would NOT recommend randomly giving someone money in-person when they haven’t asked for it. Giving money to a random family in a grocery based on assumptions isn’t a great idea for a variety of reasons.

      Some things you do are donate to individuals on platforms already set up to accept donations, like GoFundMe (I think you can search for people who are local), and like someone suggested above, a Reddit subthread (though I’m not familiar with this.) If you want to help someone directly, do so though favors like offering to refer them to jobs if that is something you can do, forward the job ads, provide some supplies like TP if they’re running low.

      Something you need to keep in mind is that people who are financially struggling are people, too. They have a sense of dignity, and you randomly deciding to give them cash based on assumptions about their situation can be potentially embarassing and make them feel ashamed. It’s not just as simple as, these people need money so you hand it to them. I hope that makes sense.

    9. Asenath*

      I wouldn’t do it randomly. I had a relative with an obvious disability which included being unable to speak clearly, and more than once a random stranger gave him money in a public place – one actually said he was glad to give it to someone who clearly needed it. But he didn’t, and he (and the family) all knew the difference between someone who had a lot of family support and someone who had the same disabilities and nothing except what the government provides. When you need specialized medical help, you meet a LOT of people from all backgrounds with similar disabilities. It wasn’t possible to respond in the moment, but it wasn’t welcomed and was a reminder of being seen as a disability and not as an individual.

      I’d either go through a registered charity, or give to someone I knew well enough to be sure they were in need and were willing to accept money. Or someone who was identified as being in need and willing by someone whose judgement and honesty I trust.

    10. Aphrodite*

      Thank you to everyone who responded! You really gave me food for thought.

      I wasn’t worried about the safety factor though I hadn’t even thought about that. Still, it was worth considering. The strings wasn’t an issue either because with my sister and the co-worker I gave it freely and walked away from any choices they made. I have no idea what the co-worker has done, if she took the suggestions I had added about good local businesses with openings or not. And in truth, I don’t care what she does. I merely wanted to give her something to help pull her out of her downward spiral, maybe cause a leak in that self-pity lake so she could at least lift her head and see that there really were other options if she wanted.

      The final point here about my assumptions was excellent and truly it made me do some hard thinking. I realize how important that point is, that I am not the only one involved. So thank you so much for that. I am leaning towards saving it myself, or maybe directing it to my local cat rescue organization, rather than my original idea.

    11. RagingADHD*

      If you can afford it, I think it’s a lovely idea. And IME, generosity does much more to foster your own sense of abundance and contentment than anything that money could buy.

  69. Pet Burnout*

    I’m sorry you’re struggling. Unfortunately I think this is beyond the scope of this forum, and I’ve been hearing from readers who are disturbed by it. I’m removing it but I encourage you to talk with local animal charities for help figuring out what to do. – Alison

  70. Nita*

    Ugh. I may need to look for a new car. Mine is 14 years old and just broke down, and the shop thinks it might be an expensive repair. So – any recommendations? Ideally something that seats more than five people. Fuel efficiency would be a big plus.

    1. Ellie Mayhem*

      I have friends who love their Honda PilotS and I test-drove a Nissan Armada and liked it. I’ve driven Suburbans for pretty much my whole life so that vehicle always gets my vote.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      Seats more than five and fuel efficiency are to a certain extent mutually exclusive. That said, sounds like you’re in the market for a hybrid minivan or SUV.

    3. Rick Tq*

      We have a 2020 Explorer Hybrid with the Captain’s Chair 2nd row, so it seats 4 adults comfortably and 2 more smaller people in the 3rd row. I understand there is a bench 2nd row option to fit 2+3+2 but I haven’t seen it.

      Ford claims 500 mile range and we just came back from a 5000 mile road trip and saw 500 mile estimated range more than a few times and once over 600 miles when we were cruising around Yellowstone.

    4. Ryan Howard’s White Suit*

      We’re a Subaru loving family and recently got an Ascent as our loaner while our Outback was being repaired (windshield). I really loved it and would like to trade in my 18 Outback for one if a job opportunity works out. You can get it in a 7 seater with two captains chairs and a third row bench or an 8 seater with two benches. The fuel efficiency isn’t amazing—22/27 in some and 21/26 in others—but it’s not awful. I’d definitely give it a look.

    5. Nita*

      Thank you everyone. I still hope I can keep my old Prius – she’s like a member of the family – but the shop still hasn’t quite figured out how bad the problem is… And I’m not a fan of driving big cars, but I’d probably get used to it if I had to. We’ve been batting around the idea of getting a new car anyway, because my family fits perfectly but we can’t give anyone else a lift. There’s just no room.

      1. university minion*

        Wait until they’ve defined the problem. My experience with Toyota is that they like to suggest a new car as a remedy for almost any repair.
        If you want to buy a new car, buy one, but it’s almost always cheaper to repair the old one, even on a long term basis (ie in terms of $x/month in repairs vs $y/month in a car payment).

        1. Nita*

          I know, they’ve been trying to buy out my car for years now! I’m sure they can fix it up and sell it for a good price. But this time I might be looking at a $2,000 repair. For a car that I love, but we’ve kind of outgrown. I hate having to make this decision.

    6. Stephanie*

      If you want fuel efficiency (30+ mpg) and 5+ person seating, sounds like a hybrid SUV or wagon.

    7. ..Kat..*

      14 years seems young, unless you have a lot of miles on it.

      I tend to estimate how much longer the car will last for the money I spend on repairs. For example, repairs are going to cost about $2400 and I think the car will last another year (12 months). So, $2400 divided by 12 = $200 per month. If I would pay more than this per month for a new car, then I keep my old car and repair it.

      Of course, there are no guarantees. And things like newer safety features can make a difference in my decision.

      Do you trust your mechanic? If so, can you ask what they would recommend?

      1. Nita*

        I don’t trust the dealership at all. They want my car :) Or failing that, way too much of my money. I do have a trusted mechanic, but I don’t think they’d be very helpful here – they don’t have Toyota-specific parts readily available, and may not even be able to figure out the issue if it’s something very Toyota-specific. I’ve run into that before.

        I’m very torn. It’s always been a very safe and reliable car. If only I knew that this is a one-off, and not the start of all kinds of old-car trouble!

        1. acmx*

          $2000 isn’t too expensive IMO. Depending on what it is, it may not have to be Genuine Toyota parts but your mechanic can order it. The dealer already did the diagnostic so your mechanic would just need to have the correct tools (there can be Toyota specific tools).

          Check out the Toyota forums for your issue.

  71. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Curious to hear experiences of those who gave birth in a hospital outside the US. This isn’t intended to be a debate about the health care system but I’m just curious to know how it is in other countries.

    1. Analyst Editor*

      A friend and parent of a now-12-year-old and now-17-year-old went to an expensive private Russian hospital for her first birth, but opted for an ordinary big city hospital for her second after that experience.

    2. Ranon*

      There’s a podcast called The Birth Hour that has loads of birth stories, including a bunch of international ones, if listening instead of reading is of interest.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I don’t normally listen to podcasts or anything, love to read personal anecdotes, but i’ll look into that too. Thank you for the suggestion!

    3. Toronto parent*

      Is there a topic or question in particular you had in mind? I’ve given birth once in a hospital in Toronto, Canada. Other than two days of labour, three hours of pushing and ultimately a vacuum delivery, it was fine. I don’t think any of those things are because of my country though, just because my body and my baby were a little stubborn ha!

      From what I understand about US deliveries, the major difference here is that I didn’t get charged any money for my or my baby’s care. I also have heard that some US hospitals can be quite luxurious. My labour and delivery room was quite nice but the postpartum room was shared and quite cramped. But I was only in there for a day and a half and I’ll take a less than ideal room over paying thousands of dollars.

      1. Melon*

        I’ve given birth once in a Canadian hospital and once in a US hospital and I agree that the only major difference is how it’s paid for. I wouldn’t call my US birth experience luxurious, but I did find the US hospital more comfortable and if I had to do it again, I’d rather do it in the US than Canada, but there was nothing wrong with my Canadian experience.

    4. allathian*

      I’m in Finland and I live a half-hour drive from the nearest maternity hospital. Low-risk births are normally handled from beginning to end by a midwife rather than a doctor. Mine was high-risk due to my age (37) and weight, so I was seen by a doctor as well as an anesthesiologist for the epidural.

      My son was born hypoglycemic so he spent two days in the NICU with a glucose drip and a stomach tube for feeding. I was exhausted by a prolonged birth and blood loss, so I spent a total of five nights and four days in hospital. Postpartum I spent two days in a ward with two other women, but when our son was released from NICU, my husband took paternity leave and we had two days in a family room. My son’s birth weight was so low that he needed supplemental mother’s milk because his birth weight wasn’t allowed to drop at all. So from the bottom of my heart, I thank all new moms who donate/sell their surplus milk to maternity hospitals.

  72. Sunset Maple*

    People with aging parents, I could use some ideas.

    My mom and dad are struggling more and more with everyday life not because they are ill or mentally deteriorating, but because they simply refuse to get with the times. Then they come to me for solutions that don’t exist.

    Example 1: They refuse to pay for anything online or by mail. My mom needed an x-ray, but will only go to a specific hospital because they let her bring a money order to the hospital’s billing department. Her specialist sent her charts to a third party for assessment, so my dad threw a fit when they got a bill in the mail that only accepts payment to a PO box in Texas.

    Example 2: They bought a laptop, because they retired and no longer had work computers. They’re angry that they have to “register online” to set up the laptop, so they keep returning laptops and buying a different model, expecting it to be different. I explained that they can just create burner e-mail accounts and generate Google voice numbers to use as throwaway information, but they aren’t having it. They still pay a premium to have their landline be unlisted, and they refuse to own an answering machine (don’t even get them started on cell phones).

    Every time they call me and complain, my answer is basically “This is how the world works now” and I can’t fix it. They’re constantly agitated and make life ten times harder than it has to be, just because they’re mad that it isn’t the fifties anymore. It’s so stressful because I resent them inventing problems that don’t need to exist.

    Other than “take deep breaths and let them vent” is there anything I can do here?

    1. Auntie Social*

      They seem a bit security mad/paranoid. Has someone tried to steal their identities or is there a $200,000 judgment against them? All that sounds exhausting. What are they worried about?

    2. OyHiOh*

      I have a parent like this. In his case, he’s *always* been a bit of a neo-Luddite (part of the back to the land movement on to the present).

      He “doesn’t understand” and is deeply mistrustful of things he doesn’t understand. It is frustrating. I have taken the Captain Awkward approach of using one of a handful of stock phrases, followed by a radical change of subject. “It must be very frustrating not being able to see money change hands. Didn’t Grandchild do a nice job decorating the cake?”

    3. WellRed*

      This seems a bit more than it not being the 50s. I mean, the postal service isn’t exactly a new concept and your fathers reaction to a post office box is bizarre. As to the computer, can you register it for them?

      1. WellRed*

        But to answer your question, aging parents are often quite stubborn. Not much you can do about that if they don’t want help.

      2. Enough*

        It could be fall out from the depression. Even if they wouldn’t remember anything first hand their families might have suffered and it carried over to them. Many people wouldn’t trust banks after that.
        Second the computer registration. And maybe a credit card that they are authorized users on that comes to your house and they pay you and you pay the bill?

    4. Laura H.*

      What about their peers? Anyone you might be able to tap for assistance/ that mom and dad would listen to?

      1. tangerineRose*

        That’s a great idea. Their peers or someone else they respect and pay attention to.

    5. Pennyworth*

      Can you become an intermediary in their introduction to the modern way of doing things? For example, ask them to give you the money for some service then show them how you use your laptop to do an online payment, print them a copy of the transaction etc. Would they agree to having a joint account with you so you could make payments for them? If their paranoia is at a pathological level, you can always ring their doctor and report your concerns. Doctors can’t discuss their patients, but they can listen to you.

    6. Morning reader*

      Refusal to own an answering machine? Do those even exist? (If so, clue me in, I really miss being able to hear who was calling and decide whether or not to answer the phone.) I’m having difficulty grasping the problem. They worked with computers in their jobs but now don’t understand how they work? (I have a retired friend, my age, who didn’t use computers at work and now she’s very frustrated because she doesn’t type well, doesn’t always follow when you say things like “click on the link” etc. I usually offer to type for her for things like filling out govt forms.)
      I would suggest they take classes at their local senior center, or get help from their local librarian when they need to do something online. But now Covid so… not that. You could hire them an assistant to come help them with paying bills and other online stuff,or do it yourself.
      If they are open to learning, I suggest teaching them yourself… it’s a bit fraught, like teaching your teenager to drive. But you need to stop with the “easy” suggestions of things they could do like get a new google number. It might be easy for you but it would be way over their abilities now. (I did that once a few years ago, got a new number, promptly forgot it, only just remembered now that I did that… unless you use something frequently, it does not become habit.)

      1. WellRed*

        I was struck by those easy options too. If they hate everything else, suggesting burners and Google probably isn’t helpful. Stick with low tech language.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I found a phone/answering machine at WalMart not too long ago. I still like my landline (i’ve got a smartphone too).

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Have they always been so stubborn?
      Have they always been so stubborn on these exact points?

      Look for opportunities to change what you are doing which would, in turn, will make them change what they are doing. My FIL liked to pay bills in person. It was probably most of the socialization he got in his older years. A wrinkle in this plan kicked in when he stopped driving and he kept asking me to drive him to pay the bills. After a bit, I realized he was not going to change yet I could not keep driving him around to pay his bills. So I explained that while I would take him and MIL to the store for groceries etc, I would no longer be able to drive him to pay bills. He would have to put them in the mail like the rest of us. (No computers in those days.) He was a little sad over that, but over all he took the news well.

      At some time there will be a turning point in the storyline with your folks. Something will come up that they absolutely have to pay for and they will have to change what they are doing. The answer could be to let nature run its course here.
      You can also let them know that when they are ready for help with these “problems” you will help, but you are not able to listen to endless complaints about these matters.

      My personal opinion is when I see stubbornness and lack of logic like this I think that it’s time for a check up at the doc’s. No, I am not focusing on dementia. Other problems such as chronic constipation can be a factor. Or they maybe taking a med that is not working well for them. It’s kind of hard to figure out if one is having the issue and the other is just echoing what the first one said. It could be that just one of them is driving this whole convoluted process. So this is a bit of a needle in the haystack.

      We can’t help people who won’t let us. I think the hardest thing to watch is when our own parents won’t let us help them.

    8. Batgirl*

      “What do you think you’ll do then?”
      “What did the laptop vendor suggest you do?”
      “Well, never mind I’m sure you’ll figure it out”.
      Stop engaging with them on the topic. Never suggest solutions or opinions any more than you would about the weather. Make it really boring and unsatisfying for them to come to you. You know they aren’t looking for critical thinking and to help understand new ways to solve the problem.
      If they specifically ask if you know how or where they could access old-timey methods: shrug. “I have no idea where you’d catch a stagecoach. Don’t use ’em. I’m sure you’ll figure it out!”
      Cut them off at the pass. It sounds like they have some navigating to do and they should be doing it alone.
      If they specifically and positively ask for help with something, like…”OK we want to email this, we can’t find another way”. Then and only then should you consider wading in.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        Yes to all of this. As long as they think of you as their tech guru, they will keep asking for impossible solutions.

    9. Koala dreams*

      They might need to vent, but you don’t need to listen to their venting. If they call you, it’s easy to say good bye and hang up when they get stuck venting, maybe with an invented excuse if that feels better.

      I do feel sorry for them, where I live there are businesses that exists to solve these kinds of problems. Companies where you pay in cash and they pay your bills for you for a fee (some banks do this too for a even higher fee), companies that set up your laptop for you and install programs, companies that make and sell simple cell phones with limited functions that are easy for people unused to cell phones to use.

    10. Not A Manager*

      Well, I have a different suggestion to the ones above. How old are your parents? Do you have other family members who will eventually help you in caring for them if they are unable to care for themselves? Do your parents trust you?

      This is coming from my own perspective. I’m an only child, and my mother was widowed many years ago. She was very competent and managed her own life until her memory started to fail. At that point, she was less and less able to manage her own affairs, but completely unwilling to acknowledge any memory or performance issues at all. I’ve posted on other weekend threads about some of the shenanigans I had to pull in order to change her phone number (she kept responding to scam callers) or pay her bills.

      If you’re going to be the responsible person eventually, I’d say just do it now. If your folks will agree, tell them to forward any bills to you and you’ll pay them yourself. They can reimburse you however they like to pay for stuff – with a check that they hand you? With wads of cash? Whatever. Same with their laptops. If they really need a laptop and they can’t manage setting it up (and they can’t, whether it’s a functional issue or stubbornness), then you should set it up for them.

      I’d only do this for things that are necessary, like paying bills or making doctor’s appointments online.

      It sounds to me like this isn’t going to get better. I am not a medical professional and I don’t know what the “usual” course of aging is, but with my mother, her personality didn’t just change overnight. Her usual quirks and eccentricities became exacerbated until they affected her interactions with other people and the world. I would be concerned, for example, that your parents’ current stubbornness about bills would eventually turn into them just not paying any bills that they can’t figure out a workaround for. Or that if your mother can’t go to her preferred doctor she will just stop going.

      If you have a relationship with your parents that would both warrant your intervention and also allow it, then I’d start now.

  73. Medicalqanon*

    I wrote in the last month for advice about treating mulluscum contagiosum. Thought I would update and see if anyone has questions for me!

    I decided to pursue the cryo therapy (freezing) option and have had two rounds over the last 3 weeks. Ask me anything about this if you want to know about my experience.

    For those that have had cryo -does the scarring fade eventually?

    1. last night*

      Why did you get it treated? I thought molluscum was a thing that went away on its own. My daughter had an unusual reaction when her body decided to get rid of it, but before that they were benign blistery bumps.

      1. medicalQanon*

        It is benign, and does go away on its own. However, it is highly infectious, and given the location of mine (groin and butt), they were spreading rapidly (likely from friction, the infectious part of the bump spreads through touching/rubbing other skin). I had about 6 bumps to begin with that multiplied into 40 bumps in aprox 2 months when I followed the advice for no treatment. I also can’t do certain activities while I have bumps, as it can cause more spread (baths, and things with partner. We really don’t want to pass it back and forth forth to each other for years – which can happen between adult partners when it’s on the groin).

        The doctors I spoke with told me if left alone healing would take 6 months to two years (or longer, some said up to four years). With treatment the time frame doesn’t necessarily improve, but often does. From my understanding treatment prompts the immune system to realize that something is happening and kick-starts the healing.

        I decided on cryo since that’s the only treatment offered in my region at the moment. Also I’ve been told by doctor that you aren’t immune to mulluscum once you heal – so partner and I could keep spreading back and forth which made me want to end the cycle as quickly as possible. While there are no long term effects from mulluscum, the bumps (in my experience) are very large and very unsightly (even before treatment).

  74. fhqwhgads*

    I posted this waaaay too late last week, so reposting again since my attempts in the meantime have failed.

    Looking for help with troubleshooting a bluetooth issue. My googling attempts have failed.
    I have bluetooth headphones. They’re not super high end but not super cheapo either. When I pair them with my phone, the sound quality is great. I can walk throughout the house, leaving the phone wherever, without the signal dropping or quality decreasing.
    When I pair them with my laptop or TV, the connection is crap. It’ll drop at least once every few minutes.Sometimes there’s static too. With the laptop I’m never even 1 meter away, let alone the 10 the signal should last. With TV I am maybe 2 meters away. Distance doesn’t seem to make a difference. I don’t think it’s interference because using the same headphones in the same spot, but with my phone instead is fine.
    Anyone have any ideas for either what the root cause might be or what I could do to try to rule things out? Hopefully that don’t involve buying more headphones…

    1. AP*

      The interference may not be on the headphone side of things, it may be on the laptop/TV side. One common culprit is interference between your bluetooth and wifi connections. You can test it out by turning off your router and seeing if you still have connection issues. (This will only work if you’re not streaming but playing music or movies locally on your device.)

      If that’s the reason for the drops then you can try to switch to a different wifi channel. If your router supports it, try to move from 2.4Ghz to 5Ghz. (Bluetooth uses the 2.4Ghz spectrum.)

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I think I may have solved it…but it’s a bad solution. When I have the audio on the TV set to Variable so I can adjust the volume, that’s when the intermittent drops happen. Like if the audio itself gets too quiet, instead of me hearing the ambient noise through the headphones, it sounds like they’ve turned off. And then I miss a word or two when it comes back because the soundtrack is loud enough trigger it to come back on (or something, I’m guessing). When I set the audio to Fixed, the sound is constant and great – but loud enough to damage my hearing. Since my headphones don’t have their own volume controls, and the whole point of setting it to Fixed is the volume setting on the TV is ignored….I seem to be stuck either with the drops or I donno…holding the earbuds 4 inches away from my ears.
          Any new ideas to work around that welcome.

    2. LGC*

      I’ve noticed that sometimes! It’s often because it’ll pair for voice calls instead of music. You might have to go into the settings to change it.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Thanks but I think you misread. The sound over bluetooth is always fine from from phone, everywhere. It’s when I pair to my TV or laptop (with bluetooth turned off on any other devices I’m not trying to pair with), that it goes in and out.

        1. Rick Tq*

          Is the headset a lot newer than your TV or laptop? You may need to update drivers/firmware on both platforms. Your phone probably gets updates automatically so it has the newest code, your laptop wouldn’t update bluetooth drivers if you don’t normally have a device paired.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            Not a lot. TV is 3ish years old. Headset is 1. Laptop is indicating there’s nothing newer to install.

            1. Rick Tq*

              You might see if the headset or laptop vendors have drivers to update. Windows isn’t exactly a reliable source for drivers,

    3. Ranon*

      Bluetooth is a tenuous pile of code held together with masking tape and generally phones use a higher grade of masking tape in their drivers so they do tend to work better. I’d see if you can update or edit your computer bluetooth drivers. You might also try turning off any microphone function associated with the TV or computer- bluetooth is not good at two way and again the phone folks have generally done more work to make it better than the TV folks have so turning it off if you’re not using it might help.

  75. Katoya*

    So my very sweet friends surprised me with a tiny turtle for my birthday and I’ve discovered the tank they were sold is unsuitable for the turtles growth. I have got a new tank, filter heater, UV lamp and turtle dock on its way so that’s sorted but am looking for anything else you can recommend? Do turtles need shelters? Or things to swim in and out of? He is a short neck Murray River turtle and is still very small. His name is Gilbert Turtleton and he swims over to the side when I talk to him which is super cool! But any help is greatly appreciated I want him to be happy and healthy. TIA

    1. Generic Name*

      Fun! Be prayed to have decades of enjoyment with your new friend. :) My sister got a turtle, had him for about 10 years and then gave it to some kids she babysat when she went to college, who later gave it to the elementary school as a classroom pet. If you google the type of turtle, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of info on how to care for him. One of the fun parts about having an exotic pet is that other owners can be very enthusiastic, so there’s often online forums where people chat about their pets.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I’m absolutely not an expert, but I understand that they need dry places as well as wet places. I think they might do well with a tank where there are different temperatures (maybe heat lamp in 1 section) so they can go to different parts of the tank to be warmer or colder as they want.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The only thing I know about turtles is that they stopped being commonly sold as pets for kids in the US because they can carry salmonella. Solution is to wash your hands after touching pet or cage, and keep the equipment out of your food-prep areas.
      Well, that and I desperately wanted a turtle after visiting a baby sea turtle rescue center.

  76. Amy*

    Thoughts on baby “sprinkles” or alternatives?

    I am five months pregnant with our second child. Our first is four years old and a different sex than the baby we are expecting. We are now living in a different community than we did the first time around, and I am in a different workplace with new friends who very much want to throw a baby “sprinkle” (mini-shower for a second child) since they weren’t around for my first pregnancy and none of them have kids of their own yet, so it’s all very new and exciting to them. My sister also contacted me today about wanting to help with a sprinkle. The thing is, though… we honestly don’t need much. We saved everything from our first child and have been lucky enough to score a ton of free secondhand baby clothes for this new baby. We will need to get a new car seat, but we are very fortunate to be financially stable and will have no trouble affording what we need, and I don’t feel good about asking for big ticket items as gifts. So really the only purpose of the sprinkle would be to celebrate the new baby with the people in our lives who are excited to do it.

    It feels kind of icky to accept gifts when we don’t need them, but otherwise, how does this go? I think people will want to give something, so I guess we could say something along the lines of “gifts optional” with suggestions like handmade gifts, cute clothes, or consumables like diapers. This would all be taking place via Zoom which rather restricts the activities one might ordinarily do at a shower.

    Any thoughts or suggestions welcome!

    1. Amy*

      I want to add: we are very grateful to have people in our lives who care about us enough to want to do this for us! I just want to do it right and respectfully. I think we would probably skip inviting family (outside of our own parents and siblings) since they all gave us gifts for our first baby’s shower and I don’t know that a “sprinkle” would go over very well with some of them.

      1. valentine*

        “In lieu of gifts, donations to x in family name welcome.”

        I would say, “Gifts optional. Will be donated to x,” but I don’t know how that’s going, these days, and you don’t want the work. (Although the host could handle it?)

    2. Morning reader*

      I feel a little like Miss Manners pointing this out, but you shouldn’t throw yourself a shower of any kind, if that’s what you mean by “we.” You mention new work friends, and if this is a shower that they are having for you at work, one thing I have seen done is coworkers gathering donations and buying you a single big ticket item like a stroller. The party is at break or lunch time and other than the one item, there’s just cake and a card and so on. If you’re not even physically at work, that doesn’t make sense tho. Maybe skip the whole thing and then have a zoom party after the baby is born to show them off to everyone. Or, a small gift party with a theme, like books, or bibs, or diapers.

      1. Amy*

        Sorry if I wasn’t clear, but the people who want to throw the sprinkle are my friends from work and my sister. I certainly wouldn’t throw one for myself! Everyone is working remotely right now.

    4. Overeducated*

      Just call it a “celebration” and tell your friends the best gift is their love and support. You can separate excitement about a new baby from gift collection – we did in a similar circumstance.

    5. ..Kat..*

      They can bring gifts to be donated to a food bank or homeless shelter! Diapers, bibs, ask the shelter or bank what items would be most appreciated.

      1. Venus*

        I thought the same. There will be charities that would be incredibly appreciative of donations of diapers. I know baby showers here often focus on consumables, specifically diapers, and if you don’t need them donate! I’m sure those same places would appreciate clothing and toys.

    6. Batgirl*

      A friend of mine asked for baby books instead of cards with a message for the baby on the inside cover.

      1. Lizzie*

        I really like the idea of books for the baby; you could personalise it more for the giver by suggesting they might choose a copy of a book that they loved as a child.

    8. Disco Janet*

      I passed on having a sprinkle with my second. It was a sensitive subject – my mother in law REALLY wanted to throw one for me and my also pregnant sister in law, I didn’t like the idea, she tried to pressure me into it anyway because she thought it would look bad to have one for just sister in law when our due dates were so close together, etc. But I just couldn’t get over the idea of an event based around buying me presents when everyone has already been so generous when I had my first child.

      Sounds like your situation is a bit different since this is a different social group. But honestly, with the fact that it would need to be over Zoom and the fact that you feel icky accepting gifts you don’t need leads me to the same conclusion I came to, and I would politely decline but tell them that you would love to have a Zoom get together for everyone to see baby and celebrate once they’re here. Some of them might decide to send a gift anyways once baby is born, but they won’t feel pressured to the way they would upon receiving a sprinkle invite.

    9. D3*

      I went to a shower for someone having their 5th baby once, and we made a bunch of freezer meals and filled their freezer instead of bringing gifts. I thought it was a great way to support a family having a new baby!

    10. Koala dreams*

      If you don’t want gifts, you can suggest a voluntary donation to a charity (for example a child related charity) instead. Some people will probably give gifts to you anyway, be prepared for that. (Some people just like to buy cute baby things, it’s not necessarily about thinking you can’t afford things.) Maybe you can give unwanted clothes and toys to a local charity that can pass them on to people who need them?

      A nice thing I have read about is to ask people to bring photos from when they were children, if they want to. It could be fun to share!

    11. Anono-me*

      Congratulations on the baby!

      I really hope you will consider doing a Sprinkle and later a welcome baby celebration.

      I would love to have things like this on my calendar to celebrate right now.

      I very much understand your desire not to take when you don’t need. I think it’s commendable. If you talk to the people
      who want to host; the sprinkle could all be about celebrating the baby and only either no cost or very low cost gifts suggested. (You will need to make it very clear though that you already have everything you need from your previous baby. Otherwise people worried that you’re just being considerate.)

      The suggestion of gifts for a another baby or a crisis nursery is a wonderful idea. Another option is a diaper drive for a crisis nursery.

      If people want to give something to you and yours you could ask that the gifts be very small.

      In addition to the books suggestion, one very common theme I’ve seen at sprinkles is decorated onesie. Everybody gets a onesie and decorates it and then gives it at the party. I’ve never known a parent who didn’t need more onesies and a 3-pack of a decent brand is usually between $5 and $10. ( This also lends itself well to shower sprinkle activities. Because you have to show off each onesie and then you can play a guessing game as to who decorated each one.)

      I’ve also seen Shutterfly type books with life advice or baby advice or even just funny stories about babies in toddlers.

    12. Anon for this*

      I like the idea of a diaper shower or a gift card shower or something consumable like that. What about food delivery cards since you likely won’t have people dropping by with casseroles?

    13. g*

      We had a similar situation with our third child. Husband coached a high school girls’ sport and had changed schools since our first 2 were born; parents and players REALLY wanted to throw us a shower. An added wrinkle was that another coach in the program was expecting her first and they wanted to have a group shower for both of us. Husband was resistant, for reasons similar to yours (we already had a boy AND a girl). The parents felt awkward showering the other coach and not us.

      We compromised on “really, all we need is diapers” and it all went very well, I think. (Some players and parents still got us gifts that weren’t diapers, but they were all either useful, extremely cute, or very appropriate to his specific team.)

    14. Fellow Traveler*

      Two thoughts:
      1) as many have suggested above, you could use the occasion to collect supplies for a charity. we collected donations to the local Diaper bank when we had a shower for our second. (We didn’t actually have a shower for our first because kiddo came eight weeks early…)
      2) would you consider postponing until baby is actually here and having a celebration then? Especially if it is to be over Zoom? I always thought that I would rather have visits and good wishes after the baby was here rather than before. Before is fun, but after is when I really wanted the support and connection.

  78. Anono-me*

    Please suggest any no sodium or very very low sodium similar tasting alternatives to red Gatorade that you might have found?

    I have a family member who has been told to significantly reduced their sodium intake and no caffeine. Most of the transition has gone very well. However giving up red Gatorade is a huge problem. They normally drank several large glasses a day.

    Most of what I thought would work as a mo sodium but tastes the same substitute, has 2-4% rda per 8 oz serving. So 2-4 16 oz glasses could be anywhere between 8-32% rda which is way too high for someone who is supposed to keep their sodium intake way below the normal rda.

    Thank you.

      1. Generic Name*

        But thinking on this some more, they may really just like the salty taste of Gatorade. Can they have salt alternatives? I think some sea salt is calcium chloride rather than sodium chloride (normal table salt), so if it’s the sodium that’s the problem, then that might work. They should check with their doctor though.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          Since I struggle to get enough potassium, I buy “no salt” at the grocery store. It’s a salt substitute made of potassium. I put a pinch of that in my drinks to get a salt taste and a potassium boost.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not snark, I promise.
      My suggestion is water. I always had something- diet Coke, Crystal Light, etc, that I would keep around the house.
      I successfully avoided drinking just plain water. Water is such a huge player in having good health.
      I started slowly. I swapped out one serving of [whatever] and made myself drink a glass of water instead. I usually did it in the morning, because, honestly this felt like punishment. I wanted my [whatever], so do the swap at the beginning of the day and then it’s done.
      After a bit I moved to two servings of water, I swapped out my drink for water instead twice a day.
      When I got down to just one serving a day of my fav drink, I started realizing how crappy I felt after I drank it. Surprisingly, it became real easy just to let go entirely.

      Going in a different direction, maybe they could cut the glass of Gatorade in half by filling it half way with water and this would help them walk back from it.

      Sometimes I like to take herbal teas and make iced teas. You can find a lot of different flavored teas and you might find a flavor they like.

      1. tangerineRose*

        One thing I’ve done with Gatorade is to fill most of a glass with water and just ad a little Gatorade to kind of flavor it. I’ve done this long enough that unwatered Gatorade seems intense!

    4. Not A Girl Boss*

      Ultima. You can get it on Amazon or at whole foods.
      Double bonus, it doesn’t have sugar (it’s sweetened with stevia). Speaking from experience, they are probably addicted to the sugar boost they’re getting all day long with Gatorade – which does mean that it’s going to take a painful ween off period. Gatorade is horrible for you, it might as well be soda.
      Plus, there’s new science out showing that fructose spikes raises blood pressure just as much sodium. The Peter Attia Drive podcast episode 87 with Rick Johnson gives a really good overview of the topic.

    5. Recent Grad*

      MIO water enhancer drops are sodium free and come in a fruit punch flavor(I thinks that’s the red Gatorade flavor).

    6. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I know people who have had some luck with things like that by diluting it… Starting with just a little diluting (with water) and increasing the dilution every couple of weeks.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You could try something totally different, there’s a medieval Middle Eastern drink syrup called sekanjabin that helps balance electrolytes. It’s basically a simple syrup with mint and vinegar. Use 2:1 sugar proportions to make it shelf-stable. Same concept can be done with other herbs & spices, but mint is the traditional.

    8. Chaordic One*

      A lot times drinking plain water just doesn’t seem to quench my thirst. I’ve heard that it is because often plain water is not alkaline (or something like that) and that adding something, like a bit of lemon to make lemon water makes it alkaline enough to quench your thirst. Brushing your teeth will usually leave a bit of residual something behind that makes it easier to drink plain water, so you might try doing that.

      Besides lemon water you might try some iced herbal teas. My favorite caffeine-free herbal tea is “Tazo” brand “Wild Sweet Orange.” Excellent hot and excellent iced.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        It’s actually because you need electrolytes to “push” the water into your cell. It creates a positive/negative sitch. So adding a sprinkle of salt can help create that electrical potential. Obviously way oversimplifying but Google has some better details.
        Luckily if you’re getting plenty of sodium/magnesium/potassium (you need all 3 in balance) from your diet, it’s a non issue.

  79. Anono-me*

    For those of you who like science fiction fantasy with strong female protagonist two of my favorite authors are doing free semi weekly serials on their blogs. Ilona Andrews and Grace Draven.

  80. AnonNow*

    Alison, I don’t know why stuff like this (and this commenter’s previous comments about mutilating her own body) are ok but my comment to Dipstick’s Mother about the irony of her being concerned about his son’s gf’s lack of independence from her family are not. The moderating here is so uneven. I guess I’m not one of the favourites who can post whatever random stuff they want.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      1. Yes, moderation here is inconsistent! It says that right at the top of the commenting rules. I am one person who is not online 24/7. I’ve told you (specifically you) in the past that I don’t read, see, or approve every comment here and I’ve linked you to this from the commenting rules:

      I do not read and approve every single comment. The volume is far too high. So if you see a comment that seems problematic, please don’t do this: “I can’t believe this comment is allowed! Why has Alison approved this?!” Instead, assume I haven’t seen it and feel free to flag it and I’ll take a look (if you include a link in your comment, it’ll go to moderation so I’ll see it).

      So I’m not sure why you continue to do this.

      2. Your comment didn’t go through because I closed comments on that entire subthread.

      3. I’ve looked for this comment about body mutilation when you brought it up in the past and couldn’t find it. I’d be grateful for a link to it so I can take a look.

      2. Kage*

        For clarity: The one time I wanted to flag something for your review, my approach was to write a comment directed to you as a “reply” to the offending post and included a random link. Is there an easier way to just flag a comment directly? I’m currently on mobile and can’t see an easy way to flag something. I’ve seen you direct people to flag something before and wasn’t sure if I was just missing something or if that reply+link process was what you meant by “flag it for me.” Thanks for all you do!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          That’s the best way to do it! It’s not ideal, but I’ve been using it as a workaround because the plugins that let people officially flag a post all do things like automatically remove a comment after a certain number of flags (which seems ripe for abuse). So yes, please keep doing what you did!

  81. Parent Trap*

    Maybe we are bad people, but I’m getting stressed and exhausted by husband and I’s parents. They are all divorced, and 3/4 of them just *assume* that they will move in with us and have us care for them once they retire. Its getting to the point where I dread socializing because they all work in a “once we live in your basement” joke every hour. (Side note – we don’t have a basement. Or a garage. Or an attic. Or a spare bedroom.)

    Since they didn’t pay for our student loans or cars as teenagers or wedding (we ended up pulling one off for $500) or down payment on a house or anything else (I’m not mad about it, it’s their money) we just have $0 to spend on caring for them, even if we wanted to. Which, for the record, we don’t – 3 sets of parents living on my property sounds like actual hell, and the emotional blackmail if we “pick one” even worse.
    We are positively buried in student loan debt – 15 years left on them. We have a very small home we were extremely fortunate to buy with no down payment, so that’s not getting upgraded anytime soon. Even if we wanted kids, there’s basically no way we could afford them before we turned 40. Which, again, not bitter, but also not in a position to be generous with our money.

    Our parents are all in their early 60s, have no money saved for retirement, and have mounting health costs related to their poor lifestyle choices (which they are not interested in getting advice on even though I work in nutrition).

    Is there a way to just say “you need to stop using us as your fallback plan” when the reality is that there might be no Plan B for them? How do I get over the guilt of letting my parents and in-laws live out there retirement in virtual poverty? I feel like I’ll never be able to spend money on myself guilt-free knowing they’re having a hard time.
    But also, they absolutely have made this bed for themselves. They were never going to be rich, but they also have not spent their money wisely.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You can tell them that! You can say, “I’m not sure if you’re seriously relying on us to take you in at some point as you age, but I want to make sure you know that we’re not in a position where we’d be able to do that. And looking at our finances, I don’t expect that will ever change. I want to make sure you know that so you’re not counting on us, and are making different plans.”

      You also might want to talk with your husband about what you’ll do if/when they do start needing help, which sounds like it’s going to happen at some point. I don’t mean to imply you need to give them more help than you want to, but at some point you’re likely to be the ones who are called and ideally you’ll have already thought through how you’ll handle it when that happens.

      (But also, is it possible they’re joking? My mom makes jokes like that sometimes, but she’s definitely not serious. Although given what you say about their circumstances, they might be quite serious.)

      1. Parent Trap*

        Thank you. I think, even if they’re half joking, they’re half serious… And at this point it’s not funny anymore.

        Husband and I have talked before about how much support we are (not) going to give them. But I think it’s one thing to make a plan for one day in the distant future, and another when its more in your face and you’re feeling the emotional toll.

    2. Former Retail Manager*

      I feel for you. I really do. To be quite honest, I think you have a couple of options, and option 2 may not even be viable, but here we go.

      1) The next time they bring this topic up, ideally, you and your spouse would tell them, sternly and seriously, that they’ve been bringing it up a lot, you’ve both been thinking about your future a lot, and you both feel that it’s time to put the joking aside and really discuss the issue, because let’s face it, no one is getting any younger. I’d let whichever spouse lead the discussion depending on whose parent it is. I’d tell them point blank, that you do not have the space or the funds to help them, even if you wanted to, and that it is really time to stop daydreaming about these “one day” scenarios and get their finances in order, to the extent they can. I’d be prepared for a range of reactions. I’d personally come prepared to be as transparent as you’re comfortable with and outline for them what your income and expenses are, if you are okay with that.

      2) Could you ever be comfortable with the parents if you all lived in a VERY LARGE home? This may not be an option depending on home prices and the cost of living where you are, not to mention trying to get a mortgage with so many people on it. I have a co-worker who makes six figures and has about 5-10 years left until retirement. She and her husband pooled their funds with their two adult children and their spouses, and all the grandkids and live in what I’d call an almost-mansion in a beautiful neighborhood. In her scenario, by pooling their money, everyone benefitted financially and the kids all get to grow up together, which was important to them. They all seem to get along well and the home is so large that everyone kind of has their own space. I know this is NOT for everyone, but if you could make it work, maybe it would benefit everyone. (Oh, they also drew up legal documents to prevent anyone from bailing and leaving the others holding the bag.)

      1. Parent Trap*

        Thanks. I think theres a few things keeping even a (very large) house from being an option:
        1) The divorced couple hate each other. They couldn’t even be civil for a 2 hour wedding, so living together is straight out.
        2) They have no credit or money to contribute to the house. They’ve all paid off their houses, only to mortgage them and have the money disappear several times. 2 of them are currently calling us several times a week to complain that no one will give them any more home equity loans – to which I seriously want to call up whoever denied them and thank them profusely.
        3) I just don’t… Like them…. Enough? I know I’m a bad person for saying that. But even weekend visits exhaust me. They are all textbook boomers (nothing against boomers, it’s just that the stereotype fits: know-it-all, selfish, constantly telling us that every single thing we do is dangerous (walking the dogs alone in our suburban neighborhood, lifting weights, riding bikes, camping, swimming in the lake, having a house that’s on a sewer, having a bike hitch on our car, wearing sunscreen, not wearing sunscreen, pouring concrete for the patio, using our credit card to pay for the restaurant online… And these are just things I’ve heard in the last 24 hours), and completely unwilling to believe that the world has or should change since 1980s).

        1. Red Sky*

          You are absolutely not a bad person for not liking your parents or in-laws ‘enough’. You don’t get to choose your family, but you do get to choose how much of yourself you’re willing to give to them both, mentally and physically, and it sounds like they’re really making that an easy, if somewhat guilt-laden, decision.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Geez, boomers sound like their parents. You know, those people that we rebelled so hard against. And then we became them it sounds? I am chuckling, it always comes back around somehow. sigh.

          I totally agree with the idea that NONE of these people should move in with you. EVER. You have done very well by NOT telling them to all move in with each other and shut up.

          If you have to you can meet with a lawyer and she will explain the 99 reasons this is a bad plan. So there is a card you can keep up your sleeve.

          I agree with others who have said that this is no longer funny and needs to be a serious conversation ending in the word NO.

        4. Former Retail Manager*

          You’re definitely not a bad person at all. They sound annoying, at best. My mother is a Boomer, who lives with me….I totally get it! I think you just have to lay out the hard truth for them and whatever happens, happens, It’s their own fault, something their generation loves to extoll…..the virtues of personal responsibility and living with the consequences of your actions. Sorry, couldn’t help myself! I believe in personal responsibility, for sure, but it sounds like they haven’t lived by their own virtues.

    3. D3*

      I am in a similar position. My parents (who I am 100% estranged from) keep telling my siblings that they are going to use my state’s filial responsibility laws to *force* me to either let them move in with me or pay their bills because they see me as “the rich one”. (Far from it, though I am the only one in the family who can ever afford vacations. Takes 2 years of saving up, and we’re talking “camp at a national park roadtrip” kind of vacations, but I guess in their eyes that makes me rich?) My siblings have warned me. I need to start saving up for a consult with a lawyer and see if there’s anything I can do to stop it, or at least not have it 100% fall on me.

        1. university minion*

          Depends on the state, but yes. Pennsylvania, I believe, has the most extensive record of enforcing them.

      2. Rick Tq*

        A short consultation with a lawyer shouldn’t be that expensive, and your state may not be as aggressive now that Medicare and Medicaid are in the picture.

        Much better to get an expert opinion than rely on wishful thinking.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Most filial responsibility laws do not force adult children to “pay the bills” in general, no.

        They do require adult children with the means to do so, to contribute to the costs of a nursing home (for example) before it can be billed to Medicare.

        It doesn’t allow parents to indiscriminately spend their kids’ money on whatever they want, or obligate kids to take on their parent’s unpaid mortgage or credit cards. Especially if the kids don’t have any money themselves.

        The intention is to keep wealthy adults from dumping their indigent parents in a home to be cared for as wards of the state.

        But certainly, consult a lawyer to find out the requirements and thresholds in your state.

    4. Might be Spam*

      I would point out that the basement is going to be pretty crowded with all of them sharing it. Especially considering the divorces (and no actual basement.) Then tell them to work out the details with each other.
      Seriously, they need to understand that you can’t be their backup plan. Your finances will not magically change just because they wish for it.

      1. Generic Name*

        I laughed at the comment about having no actual basement. For real. Whoever brings up living in your basement next, ask them when they plan to start digging.

        1. Parent Trap*

          Thanks for the laugh, guys.

          We have no basement because our house is on a big old granite ledge, so if nothing else, the mental image of them with pick axes and mining caps will help me muddle through.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Magical thinking – that’s the throughline here. It certainly is consistent with a history of running up debt and overspending.

    5. BRR*

      I’m not sure how direct you’ve been, and we’re talking using the language Alison wrote, but is helping them figure out a plan within the scope of what you’re husband would take on? My line of thinking is that if he’s willing, it might help cement “living with us is not an option.”

      1. Parent Trap*

        I just had this conversation with my husband. He said “well, what if we pay for a financial planner for them?” But the bottom line is that they are in the position they’re in because they have zero interest in taking advice from anyone, least of all their children (“I changed your diapers, don’t tell me what to do” is a common line).

        But I do kind of like it as a technique to cement the idea that we aren’t their solution.

    6. eeniemeenie*

      The kindest thing you can do here is tell them explicitly that you will not live with them or support them in any way. Don’t use hints or laugh nervously when they talk about living in your basement. Spell it out clearly that you can’t support them and they will not live with you. I also suggest phrasing it as “we won’t be helping you” rather than “we can’t” just in case there’s anything in the future (e.g., promotion, new job) that makes them assume your situation has changed and you can support them now.

  82. Former Retail Manager*

    Any ex-military folks here, perhaps recruiters? My daughter is 20. Has diagnosed anxiety and depression and has been on and off antidepressants to treat it for years. The “on and off” part is due to her own irresponsibility and failure to stay on it consistently like she should. She is a part-time college student, making good grades, and living with her boyfriend (another topic for another day). She was working full time prior to COVID. Now that she is unemployed (her job won’t be reopening, at all, as in the business is closing permanently) she is stressed about the soon to be reduced unemployment, and about paying her bills, so she has moved forward with enlisting in the military. Army, specifically. (Note: We have the means and have offered to assist her financially to get her income back to pre-COVID levels, because we realize that finding a job is going to likely be challenging right now. She has declined the offer.)

    The recruiter flat out told her to lie on her paperwork about her past history of anxiety and depression and to not mention her meds. The issue is that she REALLY needs her meds. When she’s not on them, it’s a night and day difference. She doesn’t handle stress well, has very emotional, disproportionate reactions to situations that don’t warrant it, and just generally has a hard time coping with things that are not that serious.

    I’m aware of the consequences should the military find out that she fraudulently enlisted and I’ve passed these one to her. At this point, I’m really desperate to be honest. The military is just not a good fit for her and anything you might suggest to dissuade her would be appreciated. Also, do you know anyone that has lied, and then been unable to make it through basic? What happened? Also, she can’t join immediately because she has to lose 5 pounds, so I have a couple of weeks. Is there a physical test before you actually enlist or is that up to the branch/recruiter? Thus far, she’s done no PT of any sort. (P.S. She can’t even do a single push-up…like not 1!)

    Any insight is greatly appreciated.

    1. Nacho*

      Tell her to talk to some current and former soldiers. This probably isn’t a great place to find them, but I’m sure if you google a little bit you’ll be able to find a few or some forums dedicated to them. What little I know about the military says that she probably won’t even pass basic training if she has anxiety and depression that serious. A large point of BT is to weed out the people who are going to panic under pressure, because it’s really dangerous to rely on them in the middle of a firefight.

      1. university minion*

        One of two things will most likely happen. Either she will slip up at some point and disclose, or her mental health will deteriorate to the point that she can’t continue with training and she’ll be discharged for a failure to adapt. At that point, she will be unemployed and with untreated mental health issues exacerbated by the stress of training. That’s not a good place to need to come back from.

        Her recruiter is a shitbird who is trying to pad his numbers at her expense.
        Source: am a veteran.

        1. Rick Tq*

          +1000! That recruiter needs to be reported to his chain of command and punished.

          Boot camp is intentionally made stressful to help determine if someone has the mental toughness to not try and just walk away when the going gets too tough. Soldiers have to be willing to run *towards* the battle, not run away.

          I’m a Navy veteran so our boot camp wasn’t as physical as the Army but there was still lots of yelling, marching, and PT.

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      Honesltly, I would call up and report the recruiter. That’s just such a wildly unethical, not to mention stupid, thing to suggest. A certain degree of mental toughness is needed to serve, and it’s the soldiers who pay the price for the rest of their lives if they don’t possess it. That recruiter deserves a dishonorable discharge.
      Also, if she doesn’t disclose her medication, she won’t have access to it during boot camp.

      Also, and probably most persuasively, is that there is no way she’s going to get away with this lie. Almost all positions require a security clearance, which has really thorough investigation. My brother and I both had to have our doctors fill out paperwork saying we have no history of mental illness. My brother had a 3 hour lie detector test. I had federal agents show up and interview everyone in my family, neighbors, etc. They will find out, and she will be in huge trouble.
      The worst part is, often the security clearance doesn’t happen until after basic. So she might go through all of that hell and then get kicked out.

      I had a friend with no “documented” history of mental health issues who just did not make it through basic. They sent her home a sobbing mess halfway through, and she still hasn’t fully recovered from “the trauma” of the bootcamp experience.

      There isn’t necessarily a physical requirement to join, but there is one to graduate. Women need to be able to do 11-13 pushups depending on age. Also there’s a timed 2 mile run and a bunch of situps. The chances of her going from 0 to 11-13 pushups in 10 weeks is… Not fantastic but not impossible.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! Fk’s sake, report the recruiter. What a truly not-okay thing to suggest to your daughter.

        1. Former Retail Manager*

          I did not suggest it….in any way, shape or form. Since learning of these plans, after she had already been working with a recruiter, I have adamantly told her she should not move forward for all the reasons that other commenters have mentioned. I am aware of the epic meltdown that is likely on the horizon and both the short-term and long-term toll that are possible.

          I will consider reporting the recruiter, but to be honest, I know quite a few former military folks, including one recruiter, and they’ve told me that it likely won’t go anywhere. At the end of the day, it’s the recruiter’s word against a 20 year old kid. The recruiters are smart and know not to incriminate themselves. Nothing is in writing. It’s all verbal.

          1. WoodswomanWrites*

            I think Parenthetically was referring to the recruiter in the comment about the not-okay suggestion to your daughter. And your daughter is lucky to have you as a parent.

          2. Parenthetically*

            You misunderstood me. I obviously did not think YOU were suggesting such a thing. My ire is entirely reserved for the horrible, predatory recruiter.

    3. acmx*

      I wasn’t in the army and it’s been decades but there isn’t an exercise test before joining. There is a medical physical she will go through.
      If she fails, then she’d be separated out. If she lies and fails, she may just be separated out or she may be dishonorably discharged.

    4. Sungold*

      I used to work in US military mental health though it was many years ago and some details may be different. Recruiters telling enlistees to lie about their mental health history and go off their meds was disturbingly common in my day. That’s because the recruiters were anxious to meet their quotas which were tied to bonuses and promotions. Doesn’t sound like that part has changed any.

      So yes, we would regularly have enlistees transferred to our hospital who had been unable to cope with Basic Training due to relapses of mania, depression, or schizophrenia after they had stopped their meds. I imagine recruits with milder cases who were nevertheless unable to cope were seen as outpatients at their bases’ clinics and the same procedure initiated. In those days, most medical conditions occurring in the first six months of service were considered “pre-existing” and we prepared the paperwork for a rapid “medical separation” which did not come with any benefits. None of the young people I worked with who had been told to hide their diagnoses got into legal trouble. It was understood that the recruiters had taken advantage of them. I don’t know how it is handled now.

      I would hope that your daughter would receive compassionate, ethical mental health care from military providers if she goes to Basic and relapses, but cannot say that this always occurs, or that all commanders support it. I saw a wide range of behaviors in the military hierarchy, ranging from admirable to abusive. For what it’s worth, I found the Air Force to be kinder to its members, and the Army to be extremely tough.

      In terms of the big picture, this recruiter is defrauding the military and US taxpayers by placing recruits who are likely to flunk out due to relapse of mental illness, and is potentially putting recruits’ lives at risk. This is clearly a recruiter without scruples. In an ideal world someone should care. Intervening in the life of a young adult is always a delicate matter but in this case I would seriously consider making your member of congress aware of what is going on for the sake of society at large. It’s surprising how quickly the military will respond to a “congressional inquiry”. These inquiries can only be initiated by civilians, such as family members, whereas service members must go through their military chain of command. Similarly, keep the possibility of a “congressional” in your back pocket in case your daughter enters the military and gets stuck in a bad or abusive situation that she is unable to resolve through her chain.

      Having said all this, if your daughter insists on proceeding, and does okay in Basic, she may be able to find a military provider to put her back on her antidepressant. She should start with her primary care doc. We had many active duty members who took antidepressants for various reasons and were able to continue on with their careers – as long as they were able to perform to standards. Hope this helps. Good luck to both of you!

      1. Former Retail Manager*

        Thanks so much Sungold! Yes, they’ve told her that after basic is complete, she can go back on her meds. My concern is her ability to make it through basic without mentally unravelling. I am aware that it is indeed both dangerous for her and for other recruits. While I don’t think she would ever intentionally harm herself or others, I certainly worry that she won’t react/respond accordingly in a stressful combat training exercise and may injure herself or someone else accidentally. She doesn’t do well when people are yelling at her, especially not in rapid succession, which I know there is a lot of in basic. Based on the responses here, I will certainly look into reporting the recruiter, but as I said above, a former recruiter told me that my complaint likely won’t go anywhere, if it’s made via Army channels. Perhaps the congressional is the way to go. Thanks again!

    5. KR*

      I am not in the military but very familiar. I don’t think she’s a good fit if she has to rely on a daily medication. The Army screens for that stuff because there may be situations where she can’t access her daily medications and still need to function well. She may have better luck in other branches but any recruiter who encourages their recruits to lie about big stuff like that isn’t worth their salt.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        You know, thinking on it, a better path might be to encourage her to talk to other recruiters from a variety of branches and “weigh her options.”

        For whatever reason kids (myself included) often take a stranger’s word over their parents. Especially when the parents “don’t believe in them” and they feel they are in a desperate situation.

        Worst case, she gets a “maybe rethink this” from a few recruiters (I hope). Best case, maybe she is well suited to a slightly lower stress military support career that another branch can offer.

        1. Former Retail Manager*

          Late responding. Thanks for much for the comment. She indeed did talk to all of the other branches and they could see that she’d already been working with the Army (due to the database they all use I guess) and inquired as to why she was now speaking with them. She told them about the recruiter’s directive to lie as well as another situation that occurred at MEPS. They all said politely but professionally that that the Army recruiters actions were unacceptable & they (the other branches) do not operate that way and do not want her to lie in any way. All of the branches have varying times that she has to be off her meds, with documentation, before she can enlist. Army & Marines are the shortest. The other branches all encouraged her to speak with her doctor and coordinate a transition off. As I write this on Monday, she is claiming that she intends to do that, but I cannot be sure that she will.

    6. Morning reader*

      Late to this but I want to mention a couple of aspects that haven’t been touched on so far.

      When you join the military, you sign away some of your rights as a citizen. You are not allowed to participate in politics other than to vote. You are subject to the military code of justice which means that some things that are not criminal for civilians might be crimes for you.

      We honor veterans because they make these (and more) sacrifices to serve. Is she willing to make these sacrifices? Even if she’s never in combat, the military can be more dangerous than most civilian occupations. People have been known to die in basic training and other accidents. An old friend was a navy musician for instance and lost several band mates who went down in a helicopter accident traveling between island gigs. For combat veterans, we’ve been having fewer deaths than in previous wars but more permanent injuries. Is she willing to sacrifice her life, her legs, her brain, or her mental health, for her country? Can you take her to a VA hospital to visit wounded soldiers to get a sense of this?

      And then on the nature of that sacrifice… is she at all politically aware? Does she notice that our current commander in chief seems to have little grasp of the role of the military? Perhaps she should wait until after the election to see if we get someone else. As is, she could be asked to make a tough decision whether or not to follow an illegal order. Fire on American protestors? Get sent to another country to help Russia conquer it? Be told to torture prisoners of war? I realize the military is supposed to be outside of politics. However the way things are going, this doesn’t look like a good time to decide to devote your life to serving our country in that way.

      If none of this makes a dent, war movies, movies that feature basic training, realistically or humorously.

      1. Former Retail Manager*

        Thanks so much for the comment. I have indeed raised the issue of the “ultimate sacrifice” with her as well as the possibility of permanent loss of limbs, senses, etc. and sent her links to a multitude of information. Her own grandfather is a Vietnam vet with 100% disability due to his service. That has had zero effect. I’ve also raised the political issue. To all of the this, I can only say that she is 20, clueless, and believes she may be invincible or at least doesn’t yet seem to have that same fear of death that you have when you’re older and have stuff to live for. Her response is “I know…I know” but you and I both know that she really doesn’t know.

        At this point, she is claiming that she intends to wait 6 mos to enlist, spend that time getting into good physical shape and having documented time off her meds (has to be at least 6 mos for Army). We’ll see if she can cope with the next 6 mos or not. Perhaps she won’t cope well, realize it, and this will all be a moot point. I can’t say. I do intend to “blow the whistle” on this recruiter because this is both unethical and dangerous for my own daughter and so many others that I’m sure are encouraged to lie so the recruiter can make their numbers.

  83. Not A Manager*

    I have a family member who wants to take reasonable precautions to avoid COVID exposure, but who just doesn’t read the news or keep up with it. He’s put together his own “best practices” based on whatever his social circle is doing.

    What would you recommend as a primer on current thinking regarding avoiding exposure? Ideally it would be short, include a simple summary of the evidence for each claim, and be geared toward someone who is willing to take some risk in order to work and socialize, but who also wants to be prudent.

    Tbh, the advice that I’m finding on, say, the Mayo Clinic site or even The WHO seems incomplete to me. I remember seeing some articles in The New York Times and some other publications a few months ago that summarized the thinking from numerous public health authorities into one bullet point list, but I’m not immediately finding those currently.

    Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

    1. Laura H.*

      Honestly,

      CDC general info re COVID and basic hygiene practices (washing hands regularly, proper social distancing, and mask-wearing as needed and required) are a good start.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I’m wondering if a list with supporting research would be too much for somebody who’s come through all these months without choosing to engage with more detailed info. The CDC has a page “How to Protect Yourself and Others” that puts those key things together clearly and accessibly; I’ll link in followup.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Thank you. I’ve looked at the CDC and at The WHO. He understands the stuff that’s on there, such as

      “The virus is thought to spread mainly from person-to-person.
      Between people who are in close contact with one another (within about 6 feet).
      Through respiratory droplets produced when an infected person coughs, sneezes or talks.
      These droplets can land in the mouths or noses of people who are nearby or possibly be inhaled into the lungs.
      Some recent studies have suggested that COVID-19 may be spread by people who are not showing symptoms.”

      But that doesn’t cover, for example, why being 6 feet away inside with no airflow is different from being 6 feet away outside with airflow.

      “Avoid close contact
      Inside your home: Avoid close contact with people who are sick.
      If possible, maintain 6 feet between the person who is sick and other household members.
      Outside your home: Put 6 feet of distance between yourself and people who don’t live in your household.
      Remember that some people without symptoms may be able to spread virus.
      Stay at least 6 feet (about 2 arms’ length) from other people.
      Keeping distance from others is especially important for people who are at higher risk of getting very sick.”

      I think most of us, if a family member were ACTUALLY SICK WITH COVID would do more than keep 6 feet away from them.

      That’s why I said that the CDC and the WHO sites are incomplete.

      What I am looking for is more like, “why dining in restaurants is risky even if your governor said it’s okay and the tables are six feet apart.” “Why it’s better to sit farther apart inside with the windows open than with the windows closed.” “Why wearing a mask isn’t only to protect others but also protects you.”

        2. 653-CXK*

          I read this and you’re absolutely right! It’s so much easier to read, and the tone is more conversational and informative.

      2. YesImTheAskewPolice*

        It seems to me like since research is still on-going, most mass publications stick with general primers, while many of your questions are quite specific and dealt with in scientific articles – and trying to keep up with them leads down to a time consuming rabbit hole.

        Still, Vox has some nice primers with additional links, even if the articles are terribly named:
        https://www.vox.com/2020/3/5/21162138/vox-guide-to-covid-19-coronavirus

        A bit older but quite nice, probably the closet to what you had in mind (I think):
        https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them

        The WHO has many current publications, the most recent overview is from July 9, but might already be written quite technically:
        https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/modes-of-transmission-of-virus-causing-covid-19-implications-for-ipc-precaution-recommendations

        After that all I know of are actual scientific collections of articles, like at LitCovid, but that probably goes too far:
        https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/research/coronavirus/docsum?filters=topics.General Info

        Hope this helps!

  84. Rick Tq*

    A short consultation with a lawyer shouldn’t be that expensive, and your state may not be as aggressive now that Medicare and Medicaid are in the picture.

    Much better to get an expert opinion than rely on wishful thinking.

  85. Seeking Second Childhood*

    If you want to stay anonymous, you could try the “pay it forward” tactic. Get in the checkout line of a cashier you know and give them an extra bill for the next person in line behind you. Just have the message be “someone did it for me once and said to pay forward someday. No reason, just giving someone a nice surprise.”

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Nesting fail. I really do need to make up my mind about a new phone. It is getting weird!

    2. valentine*

      Get in the checkout line of a cashier you know and give them an extra bill for the next person in line behind you.
      I wouldn’t do this. It not only merely pays forward the awkwardness, but the cashier will be in trouble if they end up with an overage and possibly both can’t say no and can’t explain that to OP. OP can’t vouch for them on the day and people might be suspicious.

  86. StudentA*

    Has anyone else been having problems with loading AAM pages? I can barely scroll up and down without experiencing issues.

    2. Mac*

      I’ve been having a lot of problems with AAM on my iPhone, but it’s been ok on my MacBook.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      I haven’t had problems recently, but there’s a report a tech issue link right above the comment box. Alison could probably look into it directly if you use that form.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I can only read it with my ad blocker on desktop, or on a non-chrome mobile browser with tight ad blocking.

      Otherwise it’s impossible to navigate from all the pop-overs, animation, and whatever that just makes it freeze up.

  87. Boba Tea*

    Agh. Anyone else struggle with the wanting to be liked? I feel like many might also struggle with this. I’ve been working on it in therapy, but have been really struggling with it with my neighbors.

    I just don’t like them and they don’t like me, so it’s mutual. So why am I obsessing over being liked? Sigh.

    There were some moments at neighbor get togethers where’d something a few of them would say just felt so…off and uncomfortable. After multiple times of saying, “Hmm… this makes me feel uncomfortable.” And it didn’t stop, I stopped trying. So I just distanced myself, didn’t go to invited parties until the invites stopped, and would still say hello and do friendly chit chat if I ran into them.

    Unfortunately, I think because we mutually don’t like each other at this point (I’m sure saying no to invites so many times paints a bad picture) they won’t invite my partner to their parties even though he is a very friendly person. In the time of COVID, they have been having pretty large parties with other neighbors as we can hear them, so I don’t think my partner wants to go anyways, but I just feel so bad because he probably isn’t getting invited because of my discomfort with them. (In some ways I’m bothered that he isn’t bothered too by this, but he’s just a very happy go lucky person. And it didn’t happen to him and he sees it as no ill intent.)

    Anyways, has anyone been in a situation like this? Your partner gets uninvited to things because you’re not liked by a group?

    1. Generic Name*

      I think you’re putting way too much thought into this. You don’t like your neighbors, you suspect they may not like you. Partner is cool either way. I’m not seeing the real issue here other than your need to be like by everyone, even people who make you feel uncomfortable and actively dislike. Maybe bring this one up in therapy

    2. RagingADHD*

      Well, generally speaking it’s considered rude to invite someone and tell them they can’t bring their partner, if it’s otherwise a couples event. I’m not sure what they’re doing that makes you uncomfortable, but in that respect they are just observing ordinary social customs.

      It would also be pretty icky for someone to socialize with people who snubbed their partner. So if he did go, he’d be kindof a jerk.

    3. Batgirl*

      If I were your partner, I couldn’t imagine wanting to hang out with people who are making you uncomfortable. Listen to your instincts. Im sure there’re much cooler people for you and your partner to hang out with.

  88. Serafina*

    Look at all those floofs! Alison, how many cats have you got!? (I say this as a multi-cat owner myself – I want to flop on that bed and have them crawl all over me.)

  89. Mad, mad me*

    Forgive me if this was already mentioned, but if you liked I Capture the Castle, please try Man at the Helm by Nina Stibbe.

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